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cracked | a_valentine_s_day_greeting_from_carson_daly | I was personally asked to record this special, special, and private Valentine's Day message just for you. Your significant other came to me and said, hey, Carlos, would you mind please recording something special for Valentine's Day for my loved one?
And I said, first of all, my name's Carson, but yes, I'll do it. Anyway, let me cut to the chase here.
Here's what your loved one wanted me to say in this very special Valentine's Day message to you. Happy Valentine's Day.
And let me be clear, it wasn't an, oh, I forgot to buy you a car. Let me see if my friend Carlos slash Carson can bail me out again. No, this was planned, so happy Valentine's Day. Oh, and I'm also supposed to say, remember, this is your loved one talking, not me.
I love you. You're my everything.
And I really think that we should get it on B-Day style, if you know what I mean. I guess that's it. We'll see you on your birthday. |
dropout | training_for_thanksgiving_at_home | Hello and welcome back to the Thanksgiving Games. The competition with events designed around going home for Thanksgiving.
I'm left-handed. And I'm just Val.
Today we're following Raphael Chesting. I'm sorry, now this is a competitor out of Chicago who I had a lot of hope for at the start of the season, but things really fell apart about halfway through. Absolutely, at his sister's birthday party where he got her cash. Ooh, let's get this underway. Yeah, Raphael can want to take control early here in this next round. Yeah, absolutely. Raphael! Hug coming up.
Good form. That was great. Good to see you. You too. You look good.
That's a good hug for dad, but what about brother-in-law? Oh, there he is. Yes! You want to show him that you can put him in his place. Absolutely.
Raphael's not a big guy, but he's so fast. He's so small, but yes, so fast. Yeah, and hugging's all on the feet. It's a bit like a mouse that can run on water.
Right. What's up, guys? Hey, how you doing? Good.
This is my new girlfriend. Ooh, cousin's new girlfriend.
What? Hi. No way. Hey. Oh.
See, I like that move. I like that, too.
You don't know each other yet, so you don't want to be too familiar. No, exactly. Yeah. You're too grown. Not too creepy. Hey, get back on over here. Ooh.
Ooh, back to brother-in-law. Who's his new girlfriend? Brother-in-law. Cousin's new girlfriend! Brother-in-law! Cousin's new girlfriend!
That's right. That's terrific. That was a round. That's terrific. That was a round. All right. That was a very strong first round.
Let's see how he does at dinner. So when was the last time you went to church? Ooh. Now it's time for the religious guilt trip event. Oh, man. I haven't been in years. Excuse me.
What is he thinking? Raphael's got to focus if he wants to get through this round.
Yeah. He's talking to his grandma. She's one of the church mothers. She's got to remember that. Because church is in a building. It's with me all the time. Great job taking out grandma. I like that recovery, but that was definitely an error. Yeah.
So when you move him back home? Well, I have a job. I can't just move back home from what I do. Ooh, it's getting dicey. It's a mediocre career at best. Yeah, honestly.
Oprah got famous in Chicago. You can just do what she did. So I should just be Oprah.
Huh. Why didn't I think of that shit? Oh, because it's dumb as a shit.
Wow! Unbelievable.
You know what?
He's going to spend time in the penalty box for that. Raphael falling way behind now. The career event is so crucial. I mean, if he has a prayer of bouncing back, it's going to be in this next event.
Hey, Robbie. Robbie.
Come and talk to your mom. This is exciting. Here we go. This is it. Final stretch. Boy, you're still making those YouTube videos. You should know the answer to this question, but he should have something for it. Yeah. So where can I find the man? There's a classic offense from Mom. Yeah, you should have to do this. This is what you trained for.
A mom asking about how to work YouTube. YouTube? You just said it. All right, so if I were to take my phone and type in YouTube, you'll come up.
Oh, quick recovery. That's not how this works. How do you not know if anything works? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God. Come back here. I came back for this. Oh, my goodness.
That is brutal. That's going to be a forfeit for Raphael right there. Yeah, you know, you got to see when it's your mom and anything on the internet.
Anticipate.
Yeah. We want to thank all of you for watching. For Just Val, I'm Lefty Anthony. Yeah, we'll see you at Christmas. Does anyone ever win this? No, no, no. Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_24_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News bulletin we're back on Friday Avos now 24th of January coming to you live from the Old City District in Batutah. Recording here in the Budgie Smuggler booth you are of course joined by myself Clancy the overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and editor-at-large Errol Parker how are you Errol? Great mate now but before we get into today's show I've got an announcement to make don't we Clancy? Yes yes we do Errol we're very pleased to announce that the recording booth down here at Desert Rock FM where we serve up some of our very best shit talk will henceforth be known as the Budgie Smuggler booth you might have heard me announce that just before.
Yes that's right they were our very first sponsor out of town apart from the Army and the other billion-dollar national resource companies have been in the Diamantina and been sponsoring our airwaves for decades. So yes thank you to the good people at Budgie Smuggler who are a booming part of the uniquely Australian zeitgeist that we try and dissect and deep dive into each and every week. They're a local brand who make their swimwear right here in Australia and are getting behind our local news organ. They were actually the founding slash original advertiser of the digital edition of the Batutah Advocate so if you don't like what we say then please forward your complaints to them and if you like what we say then go ahead and visit their website and get behind them. budgiesmuggler.com.au that's budgiesmuggler.com.au you can even jump on and grab yourself a pair of the limited edition Batutah Jugongs budgie smugglers that the club has made up especially just to commemorate the historic season big year 2019 for the Batutah Jugongs anyway budgie smuggler that's the sponsor swimwear made in Australia now on to today's show and we will hand over to the Mick McCardell of the Diamond Tina Shire Wendell Hussey how are you Wendell and what's in the news I'm very well thank you for asking Clancy and big Georgie Christiansen's in the news to open things up in the wake of the sportswrought saga Manila ping-pong club receives $300,000 sports grant to help them finally get some tables yes don't know how you didn't get a call from the lawyers Clancy on that scoop we were the only newspaper to cover it I was almost certain that we would be getting another cease and desist letter from the government asking us to name our sources which we will never do you can come and get us you can come and throw us in prison we will never ever name our sources good news for the Manila central ping-pong club and I'm sure they're glad that they have such a hard-working and honest local MP in the Dawson electorate member that is Georgie Christiansen I've heard it works on the same type of principle as Lord Howe Island is actually a part of Tanya Plibersek's electorate where you've got the people of Manila are represented in our Parliament by George Christiansen yes it is it is similar though I'm not sure that Tanya Plibersek would have made 28 trips to Lord Howe Island in two years I think she said she'd been there once or twice yeah George George puts a lot of work in over there anyway moving on as fast as we can what else is in the news yes we won't go into the comments on that one and we will move along to some more national news Canberra HSV owners hail damage shaped a lot like the toe of his 1999 Kookaburra gold crown good bit of kit that it was but if you can cast your mind back to the late 90s when there was a spate of hailstorms on the east coast of Australia many people then were caught out hitting their cars with a whole manner of things golf clubs ballpoint hammers and of course cricket bats and even back then they were able to tell with the help of a microscope what was genuine hail damage and what wasn't so I guess this man who owns his HSV has shown his true colors as a Holden owner and he's outed himself nationally as a dumb cunt yes anyway the local man at the center of this story Freddy Samios who's had a bit of a run-in with the auditor he swears the hailstones were bloody coming in sideways on his Marlu and refused to open his boot to let the order to see whether or not he actually took the cricket bat back inside before he arrived at the insurance yard mm-hmm you aren't a true Australian until you've committed some insurance fraud well he did say to them mate if you want to get funny about this I can go I get a jerry can and do a proper job of it and that turned this two and a half thousand dollar issue into a $250,000 issue for you good luck to him now back home in town in our humble regional outpost and intermittently fasting colleague completely useless until lunchtime very common amongst young people these days Wendell particularly office workers who don't need to do anything physically yeah well you know I don't think you can skip breakfast you know if you're a journalist or you work in a shearing gang or you're do something kind of physical with your life but of course a lot of these young people these days are skipping a lot of meals in a quest for you know a body that is conformed to what society deems as beautiful yes a lot a lot of young men particularly in that 18 to 25 age bracket they will they will start themselves I've noticed you are at times Wendell yourself guilty of this and that's why I have been putting pre-trainer in your coffee your long blacks each each afternoon because I see you starting to run out of steam but you're not as bad as some of those young fellas working in the trades and that's this next story that is our next story and it is mini water cooler bottle decent indication bloke on site takes some very hectic supplements tell us a little bit about some of these supplements that might require you to drink such a inappropriate amount of water yeah so there's a lot of them and they have different letters and numbers and a lot of them have been banned over the last few years 2010 2011 a lot of these things got made illegal but obviously you can get them on the internet and a lot of these guys who have a pretty jacked kind of chiseled rig who tend to enjoy grunting and throwing their weights down at the gym and wearing very tight stringlets they like to take these supplements and it means they need to flush through a lot of water through their body I understand now well well it is that time of the year it's first power film festival season these kids need to get that perfect V yep but just remember you know keep in mind that people are mortal of course years ago we did lose the immortal ziz you just need to remember that the heart is also a muscle and you can tear your heart and if you tear your heart you're dead rest in peace Chesbrough now let's move along to another chiseled young man and that is sports are Rafael Nadal and with the Australian Open on this week the nation has urged Rafael Nadal to invest in some decent underwear speaking of heartbreaking it looked like it was having a hard time out there to try to get comfortable in his underwear that's not an uncommon thing though for Nadal is it Wendell you'd know a bit more about this elitist two-man game yeah it's something that I dabble in here and there it is part of his pre-match ritual he likes to comb his hair side to side wipe the sweat and then pick the wedgie before every single serve he says he's a big problem for me he's a big problem for me you should talk to what's his name old the panda patch Pat Rafter of course he was a great underwear ambassador for this country we could get him some budgie smugglers that might sort him out of course budgysmuggler.com.au the world's comfiest underpants and swimmer and that's it for this week on the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin thank you for joining us my name is Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate joined by of course Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey we'll see you next time goodbye Lasting colleague completely useless until lunchtime very common amongst young people these days Wendell particularly office workers who don't need to do anything physically yeah well you know I don't think you can skip breakfast you know if you're a journalist or you work in a shearing gang or you're do something kind of physical with your life but of course a lot of these young people these days are skipping a lot of meals in a quest for you know a body that is conformed to what society deems as beautiful yes a lot of young men particularly in that 18 to 25 age bracket they will they will starve themselves I've noticed you are at times Wendell yourself guilty of this and that's why I have been putting pre-trainer in your coffee your long blacks each each afternoon because I see you starting to run out of steam but you're not as bad as some of those young fellas working in the trades and that's this next story that is our next story and it is mini water cooler bottle decent indication bloke on site takes some very hectic supplements tell us a little bit about some of these supplements that might require you to drink such a inappropriate amount of water yeah so there's a lot of them and they have different letters and numbers and a lot of them have been banned over the last few years 2010 2011 a lot of these things got made illegal but obviously you can get them on the internet and a lot of these guys who have a pretty jacked kind of chiseled rig who tend to enjoy grunting and throwing their weights down at the gym and wearing very tight stringlets they like to take these supplements and it means they need to flush through a lot of water and through their body I understand now well well it is that time of the year it's first first of all season these kids need to get that perfect V yep but just remember you know keep in mind that people are mortal of course years ago we did lose the immortal ziz you just need to remember that the heart is also a muscle and you can tear your heart and if you tear your heart you're dead rest in peace Chesbrough now let's move along to another chiseled young man and that is sports star Rafael Nadal and with Australian Open on this week the nation has urged Rafael Nadal to invest in some decent underwear speaking of heartbreaking it looked like he was having a hard time out there just trying to get comfortable in his underwear that's not an uncommon thing though for Nadal is it Wendell you'd know a bit more about this elitist two-man game yeah it's something that I dabble in here and there it is part of his pre-match ritual he likes to comb his hair side to side wipe the sweat and then pick the wedgie before every single serve he says is big problem for me is a big problem for me he should talk to what's his name old the panda patch Pat Rafter of course he was a great underwear ambassador for this country we could get him some budgie smugglers that might sort him out of course budgysmuggler.com.au the world's comfiest underpants and swimmer and that's it for this week on the Batutah Advocate news bulletin thank you for joining us my name is Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate joined by of course Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey we'll see you next time goodbye |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_ryan_reiss | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ryan Reis! This group of women will have a better time than a group of dudes, you ever notice that? Every single time, they're more comfortable with each other, they aren't. Never any awkward moments with women. They're gonna be awkward moments with men.
You ever been walking down the street with one of your buddies, and your hands accidentally graze each other? The world stops. Did you just try to hold my hands?
It's an insecurity, we're very insecure, right? You don't share that insecurity, you're comfortable, you're confident, right? Yeah, yeah, you are.
I was at a wedding party last Saturday, I noticed the bridesmaids were helping each other get dressed, and they were fixing each other's boobs. You ever see that, just fixing each other's boobs, right? And it wasn't a sexual thing, I mean, my penis was out, but it wasn't a sexual thing. They were shifting, they were stuffing, they were stripping.
I get the team mentality, right? You want your girlfriend to look good, I understand that. I want my friends to look good also, I'm not gonna help them get dressed. Hey Tommy, come here a minute, buddy. Left ball's kinda low. It's kinda sloppy, I'm gonna tap that in there for ya. You're gonna look so handsome today. Ladies, I can understand why you need help getting dressed, right?
Absolutely, you got fancy bras. Yeah, I know about the tricks. Push-up bra, Wonder bra, Miracle bra, Water bra. Fellas, you ever take a girl home, take off her bra, and be like, what the fuck? I think you left some titty in your bra. They think that shit's hysterical. Haha, you thought I had boobs. Thanks for the lobster, asshole.
You're poor. Get your shit together, sir. I gotta think before I leave the house. I just try to go for the least dorkiest thing I go wear. You know what I mean? That's my goal in life.
If you're black, Spanish, anything with pigment, you look awesome in everything. It's true, actually, it's absolutely true, right? I'm in Harlem, there's a black dude in my neighborhood.
He dresses in an all-purple velvet jumpsuit. Looks great on him. People look at him, they're like, that guy's cool. That guy's a player.
Poop. You know what happens if me or you wear that same exact outfit? Faggots. They're just little boys.
I like when they're girls, I told you that earlier. It's awesome when girls are out, especially when they get drunk, right? That's always a party. It's always better when two girls, like, dudes get drunk, we fight, that's what we do. Girls get drunk when they do, they make out with each other. It doesn't even make them gay, it just makes it, like, Saturday night.
Always the same excuse, right? I was like, oh my God, I went out last night, I had like three wine coolers. I totally kissed my best friend, Jen. It was so weird! And it's completely acceptable, it's fine, right?
I'm never gonna be able to say that. I'm never gonna call my friend and be like, dude.
Last night I went out. I had like three Zemas. Next thing I know, I'm T-back in the theater.
Ride race, guys. Thanks for your time. Enjoy your time. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_clinton_after_the_impeachment_trial_saturday_night_live | Well, the White House Scandal is finally behind us now, and we're officially talked out. there's absolutely nothing left to say, unless, of course, you are the President of the United States. please welcome President Bill Clinton. Hey, Colin. how you doing? what's wrong, Mr. President? you seem down. Yeah. well, I am down, Colin.
I was reading the paper lately, and I've noticed a lot of people, and I've noticed a lot of people, And I've noticed a lot of people, And I've noticed a lot of people, And I've noticed a lot of people, And I've noticed a lot of people, And I've noticed something that made me very sad, very sad indeed. I'm not in the papers. there used to be a lot of stories about me. I remember when the whole thing broke, and I tried to lie about it. it was so much fun. every paper had a picture of me. Jay Leno was telling all those funny jokes. I was a real superstar there for a while.
Not anymore. not anymore. I'm going to tell you what, Colin. if I didn't know better, I'd say people like me more when I'm screwing up. I was better off when I was smoking pot in England and grabbing ass in the White House. you know, Huey P. Long once said the only way he could lose an election was if they caught him in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. if you promise to like me, I'll do both those things. in fact, how do you know I haven't already? there's a lot of stuff you people don't know about me. dig around. you'll find something. ask any trashy waitress in Little Rock. they all have Bill Clinton stories, but I can't do the work for you. I can promise you I've done some messed up stuff. there's people who know about it, America. go find them. let's do this impeachment thing all over again. I swear there's enough out there. maybe, hey, maybe I had sex with my wife. I don't know. it might have happened. might not have happened. Hell, I was high most of the time. But there's got to be more stuff out there, Colin, and I know there is. What about this Juanita Broderick lady that's making the papers now? She claims you forced her to have sex. Well, there you go. I did not have sexual relations without Juanita.
I mean, it's that easy. you'll see, and whatever you dig up, I promise you I will lie about it. I will do this. I will do them both together. everything is good.
God bless you, America. And Colin, thank you. Bill Clinton, everybody. thank you. |
dropout | big_dick_birth_defect | Dr. Davis, telephone please. Dr. Davis...
I'm sorry, I have some bad news. Is everything okay? Is my wife and my baby? Your wife is recovering, the baby was born, but he has a very rare birth defect.
Oh god. He was born with abnormally large genitalia, and his life is at risk. We're closely monitoring him. Doctor, if I may, how big is it? The danger. No, his dick. It's six and a half inches. Wow, that is... that's not bad. Especially for a baby, it's like... It's very bad for a baby, especially. It's half the size of his body.
That's my boy!
The point is, this is a very serious condition with the long-lasting effects. We're optimistic, but we just have no way of knowing how it will affect his growth and development.
Doctor, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, just going back to the size.
Was that soft? Um, it's soft.
So it's gonna be even bigger than... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand this whole thing. You understand we're talking about a baby here, your baby, who is in danger. I know, it's bad ass. It's kind of bad ass, right? I'm mostly bad, but... Well, we have some x-rays. Oh, that is a huge, huge tragedy.
Oh no, my boy. Can I keep this? Sir, your son's life is in danger. It's for my brother.
He's gonna be so proud and concerned, obviously, about the baby. Look, I'm obviously having a lot of stress right now, and I'm trying to find some kind of silver lining or something like that, Doctor. Can I ask you, in all seriousness, what are the chances... Now, the mortality rate... It's gonna keep growing, you know, and thickness too. We haven't even talked about that.
Does he have a pencil dick? Is he a little pencil dick kid? I don't want my baby boy walking around with a pencil dick.
Talk about a burden. I never say this to anyone, ever, but you shouldn't be a father.
Doctor, let me... ask you one more question. Is it... is it bigger than yours? Sir, what is bigger than... Yes. |
cracked | everybody_sucks_at_driving_in_justice_league_yboc | I, Dr. Jordan Breeding could sit here and point out all the things that don't really make sense in Zack Snyder's Justice League, like the Amazons apparently hoping to kill an alien box with swords and arrows, or Martian Manhunter seemingly impersonating Martha Kent in the hopes of, I don't know, hooking up with Lois? I mean, that's my guess as to what the hell that cameo was all about. But what's really stressing me out is how apparently everybody in the entire world of Justice League learned to drive by watching their grandma play GTA V. The 80-year-old woman took over the controls.
First up, this dickhead truck driver plows right through a red light because he dropped his cheeseburger. He didn't just misjudge a yellow. The light turns red like freakin' 22 seconds before he plows through the intersection. You're a commercial truck driver in a crowded city full of pedestrians, bro!
Right? I start on Monday. True story. The summer after my freshman year of college, I drove a refrigerated truck delivering salsa and hummus to Whole Foods up and down the East Coast, and you better believe every time I drove through Philly, I was like sweaty bullets afraid that some kid would step out in front of me where I'd love to tap Michael Vick's car and he'd throw a football like right through my stomach. I had this job in 2010, and he'd already served his time for the dog thing, so it'd be mean to joke about. And he also really helped my fantasy team that year. Rolling and launching downfield for the shot Jackson will accelerate! But basically at no point would I have been willing to scramble around on the nasty floor of my dirty truck next to my ass-caked boots for a soiled cheeseburger as I approached a busy intersection.
I mean, let's face it. I would not eat that thing unless I knew it already had both Pfizer shots. Yeah. You know what you mean.
Almost as dumb as Iris West driving through that same intersection without bothering to check for, say, trucks the size of Doomsday, barreling at full speed. I mean, sure, she technically had the green light, but also she drives for like, what, 50 feet? Without ever glancing at the road? What if somebody was turning into her lane? Yes, Ezra Miller is a very attractive Jewish boy, but even if Iris hadn't slammed into the truck, which is ridiculous, she hits the back of the truck like it basically already gone through, she would have almost certainly slammed into a parked car or run over a couple dozen children while distracted by Flash's well-defined cheekbones and hilarious insights into brunch.
Did you want to bite? Is that the deal? Whoa, bro, bro.
Even worse, she hits the back end of that truck hard enough to entirely flip her car. How much speed had she built up in such a short stretch of time? She must have slammed on the gas, gunning it all to hell, but without ever looking at where she was going, she apparently didn't even have time to throw on her damn seatbelt. Does her car even have seatbelts?
Did those just not get invented in this universe? Any idea who, what, that might be? And maybe it's not a full vehicle, but what about that moron pushing the hot dog car? Does nobody in the Steinerverse know to look both ways?
Or maybe he's a deaf and blind hot dog vendor, and what we really need is for Zach to add two more hours to the movie to really flesh out this vendor's life story. Struggles he overcame to become the Helen Keller of meat snacks, only to have his livelihood exploded in a single careless instant, and then his product stolen by a literal superhero trying to get a job as a dog singer. I mean, there's a couple million HBO Max subscriptions right there. I always bring a meat snack.
Later, or I guess in reality much earlier, Mommy's cyborg experiences a fatal car accident. Well, it's not entirely clear who's at fault, but since she was T-boned, it's definitely somebody's fault, because most roads don't just randomly cross without warning. And given everything that we're learning, I bet she and the other driver just freaking blew through a four-way intersection simultaneously without looking because they both secretly hoped they were the invincible second coming of Superman. It's like unbreakable if everybody is simultaneously Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson, but nowhere near as awesome as that sounds. But hey, it's not just motor vehicles and wienermobiles. Look at this piece of shit! Fisherman somehow managing to flip over his boat because he failed to notice what appears to be the storm of the century. And based on the people in the nearby town, my guess is the Fisherman just assumed that things went poorly he could save by Aquaman, and he is right. And maybe that's just what happens in a universe full of superheroes. Everybody becomes personally very reckless, which is kind of the basis for the Kingdom Come comic. So maybe everybody driving around like children on opiates is some sort of sick meta reference. It's probably not.
One of the film's longest running subplots involves Batman's inability to get his magic troop transport up and flying until Cyborg proves her with his tender slender metal fingers until she lights up. Apparently she wanted to fly the whole time but wasn't too keen on doing it for Batman. That turns out to be a pretty smart move on her part because Batman almost immediately crashes her. Make sure they got nicked by the energy shield or whatever when he blasted through it, but like, bring bigger missiles? Get Cyborg to blow up in a big hole with his arm gun thing? Surely there's a way to get inside Steppenwolf's special secret maze without running into inanimate objects. The freakin' superheroes. Why does this mention? But maybe that was always the plan because Batman's got his Batmobile slash bat tank stowed away in the troop transport as if he knew he couldn't stay in the air more than five minutes without slamming into something. And I know he only drives his Bat Vehicles during chase sequences, but the dude really crashes into a lot of things in both this movie and Batman v Superman.
He's very reckless. There are still rules of the road, even in abandoned Russian ghost towns. Batman. Isn't that right? Buttman. Why did you say that name? And even though we're not explicitly told what happened, we should probably assume that Barry Allen's dad killed his mom by just running her over. I mean, sure, he says he was framed, but at this point we can't trust anybody. Not with a car. Not with the truth. I'm gonna level with you. I did kill that prostitute.
Also, I'm not saying it was bad driving that caused the knightmare future, but the burned out husks of cars on the freeway sure arranged haphazardly. Looks like there was a lot of crashing at some point, and I doubt that's all Superman's fault. Maybe he just took advantage of all of America getting into a hundred million car pileup because this entire universe has the reflexes of a turtle getting hucked down a water slide. All we can hope for is that in the black and white Snyder Cut Part 2 or whatever that we're eventually gonna get, it's gonna include the deleted scene where Martian Manhunter just slams into Bruce's front porch when he's trying to meet him.
I'm still alive, but I'm very badly injured. I think my legs might be broken, but I'll try to stand up. Ah! Yes! They are broken. Perhaps you could toss me a band-aid or some anti-bacterial cream. I mean, an extraordinary... |
TheOnion | Study_Average_Person_Becomes_Unhinged_Psychotic_When_Alone_In_Own_House | According to a groundbreaking new study published Thursday in the New England Journal of Medicine, psychologists at Cornell University have discovered that the average person, while ostensibly appearing to be normal and mentally sound in their day-to-day lives, immediately becomes a deranged psychotic when alone at home. We observed hundreds of subjects with successful careers, numerous friends, and loving families, perfectly normal. But as soon as they were at their homes by themselves, they began presenting behavior consistent with those suffering from dementia, schizophrenia, and various other acute mental illnesses. Researchers illustrated the study's findings with footage of 29-year-old test subject Brian Temple, who, despite having a steady job and maintaining an ordinary social life, exhibited increasingly erratic and unstable activity from the moment he was alone in his apartment, including dancing in his kitchen to no music whatsoever, making grotesque faces in the mirror for extended periods of time, and seemingly having conversations with no one in particular. Brian showed much of the psychotic behavior that epitomizes this phenomenon. For example, between 6pm and 8pm, he paced through his entire kitchen four separate times and opened the refrigerator on 12 different occasions. He eventually ate nothing. These bizarre activities were prevalent in everyone we monitored, leading us to believe that all human beings are, in private, severely unbalanced. Honestly, these people display conduct so utterly unhinged and irrational that it is likely dangerous to ever have them leave their homes.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
TheOnion | Earthquake_Late_Warning_System_Goes_Off_In_Haiti | A local grandmother is beginning to realize that her family never even looked for a better nursing home. A man leaves a father-daughter dance with a different girl than he came with, and an earthquake late warning system goes off in Haiti. Watch as yet another precious fraction of your life passes mercilessly in front of your very eyes.
This is the Onion Week in Review. Shortly after discovering he had locked himself outside of his suburban home Thursday, fully nude claims adjuster David Ronzo delivered a moving and thought-provoking treatise on the frailty of the human condition to a slowly gathering crowd of his neighbors. Ronzo, who initially panicked when he realized he was naked, soon turned and faced confused passers-by and delivered a stirring oration on the grim facts of mortality along with the indomitable nature of the human spirit. I stand before you naked, exposed to the world, completely vulnerable and without recourse. But should I become the object of your ridicule and derision?
Deborah? I'm locked outside and I'm completely naked. DEBORAH!
A report released Tuesday by physicists at Stanford University revealed that the entire known universe, from the whole of human civilization to the totality of matter and energy, is actually the fictional setting of a cop show called Hard Case. According to authors of the report, measurements of cosmic energy levels indicated that existence as we know it was created solely to provide the framework for the primetime drama that airs weekly in a parallel universe, and that every historical event prior to the show's September 2008 pilot, including the Renaissance, World War II, Evolution, the September 11th attacks, and the presidential administrations of Washington through Clinton, never actually happened and are merely part of the elaborate backstory crafted by Hard Case creator and showrunner Dominic Egan. We used to believe that our universe operated under immutable laws of thermodynamics and gravitational relativity, but now we know everything just comes from the minds of Hard Case's 12 staff writers. Overall, it seems like a very well-written show. Physicists have theorized that the universe as we know it will cease to exist whenever Hard Case airs its final episode.
Software developer Rosetta Stone announced the release of a new 3 CD-ROM Hungarian language program, the first disc of which is dedicated almost entirely to getting users to rethink learning Hungarian altogether. Think about this really hard for one second. Do you really want to learn Hungarian? Really? Hungarian? Come on! There's Spanish, French, even German! Why are you doing that? Why are you doing this?
And in election news, Ann Romney tells reporters her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public. In other news, a man is arrested for stealing over $50,000 worth of beards from Hank Williams Jr. A pretty lady is playing hard to follow, and a dog named Murph lives up to his name. This week's episode was edited by The Onion Review's new summer intern, Andrew Tello, from the University of Maryland. He's very talented. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | amy_schumer_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Amy Schumer! it's so great to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live. I've been so busy. you may have seen my Hulu show, Life in Beth, and inside. Amy Schumer is back on Paramount+.
I can't believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. elections! What did I say? Sorry, I was thinking about what's at stake if we don't vote. I, uh. people love giving pregnant women advice. don't they? like, the whole time I was pregnant, I had this one friend, she kept telling me, you got to do prenatal yoga. it really helps with the birth. So I immediately signed up for a C-section. but no, I did. I, uh. I had a C, came out the sunroof, and, uh. no matter how you give birth, the doctors all tell you, you know, and it could be vaginal c-section, they almost never come out of your butthole, But they tell you, no matter what, as soon as you give birth, the doctors are very serious. they say, you cannot have sex for six weeks. You got it? Six weeks. no sex. I was like, okay, um. hey, remember when you just, uh, wolverined my fupa open? remember that? how about six years? that's when I think I'll be ready, Okay? remember? His foot got caught on my intestines. when can I get raw dog from behind? please.
But my husband and I, we do have a good sex life. we do. Mary, people, if you found this, we have found that the best weekday to have sex is always tomorrow. Yeah. we're like, we ate today, maybe. we won't eat tomorrow. that'll be a good day for us. my, uh. My husband's the best. he always, before we have sex, he puts the lights on. you know, and I shut him off, and he puts them on. And he's finally like, Amy, why are you so shy? you have a beautiful body. And I was like, oh, my god, you're so cute. you think I don't want you to see me. so sweet, right? to be honest, it's awkward having sex with your spouse. it is. because, like, that's your family. well, I have Thanksgiving with you. I lay out your sweaters, you know? I can't go down on you. you're my emergency contact, for Christ's sake. sick, you know? we can't talk dirty to each other anymore. we know each other too well, you know?
I'm always like, I'm gonna. he's like, no, you're not. I'm like, no, no, I'm not. we do a lot of role play, but I always pick the same role. I'm always like, okay.
I am in a coma. Go.
My husband is diagnosed. he's on the autism spectrum. he has Autism spectrum disorder. it used to be called Asperger's. But then they found out, this is true, that Dr. Asperger had, like, Nazi ties, Kanye. it's weird. crazy. But, no, it's been really positive for our family to have him diagnosed. you know, I understand so much more about his behavior. and it's given him so many tools. like, you know, now, if somebody's in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. you know? And when people find out that he has autism, like, they don't know much about it. they're like, oh, does he love to count? should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor so that he can gather them and count them?
I'm like, yeah, that sounds pretty fun. I'd like to do that. he never really lands a compliment with me. he tells me I look comfortable a lot. you know? we have different love languages. like, a couple weeks ago, we were sitting outside and it was a nice night. it looked like it was gonna rain. and I was feeling kind of sentimental. And I was like, you know, even though these past couple years of the pandemic and everything, it's been so stressful. I said, still, this time, being with you, being with our son, they've been the best years of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, i'm gonna go put the windows up in the car. Yeah, that's my guy. it's one of the times we play the game, autism or just a man? With what he said to me right before I came on stage tonight and I said, I said, babe, is this okay? He said, well, it's too late. we've got a great show for you tonight. Steve Lacy is here. |
dropout | how_does_the_holy_trinity_poop | Yes, cookies. I'll have, I don't know, a million.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Pat!
There has peanuts in it. You're allergic to peanuts.
Oh, my God. Wow, that was close. I mean, that was good. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Oh. Oh, my...
Help! Somebody help!
Hello? Siobhan? Zach? Mike? Anyone? Come, my child. Come and behold. Who are you? What's going on?
We are the Holy Trinity. Three persons but one God, the Father. The Son and the Holy Spirit. We have come to take you to heaven.
I... I don't understand. Yes, the Holy Trinity is the divine mystery of the Catholic being. No, no, no. I get that. I mean, I don't understand.
How do you poop? What do you mean? Well, if you're three beings in one sort of thing, I'm just wondering how the logistics of you all pooping works. Do you all poop individually or do you share, I don't know, like a single digestive system? You know, like those conjoined twins on the Learning Channel. We poop as one divine entity.
Got it.
And who is the butthole? We all do. We share one butthole. Right, I know. But like, who has the actual physical butthole, you know? Who's doing the dirty work here? Oh, I see what you're asking. You see, I made us with a movable butthole, which we rotate.
Hmm. Smart. Isn't that gross? You know, we're little. We tried putting up a sheet divider, but it didn't really make a difference. You know, with us being all seeing anyway. Yeah, that plus the smell just cuts, like, right through the sheets. Oh, yeah. Like, you wouldn't believe.
Nothing at all. This definitely doesn't work.
Okay, what about like sickness and indigestion, diarrhea? Do you guys all feel those urges together? Yeah, we all feel those together. Isn't that kind of unfair? Like you're all suffering for what just one of you ate? I mean...
Well, keep two things in mind, Pat. One, since it's spread throughout us, the pooping sensation is only one-third the intensity. And two, most of us are very considerate about what we eat. Yes, most of us are.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is that directed at me? Well, who has coffee with a burrito? Oh, it's traditional. All right.
What do you think Mexican ranchers ate for breakfast? Mexican ranchers weren't passing their Hershey's squirts onto their consubstantial hypostasis.
Oh, here we go. To be fair, it was inconsiderate, Richard. Your name's Richard? Oh, great.
Now he knows my name. Thanks a lot, Devon. Oh, now he knows my name.
Fellas.
You're doing it again. Oh, no. Oh, this happens when I get upset. I got to drop a juice. Oh, no. Oh, I can see it. There we go. Keep it together. There's a condition. Oh, God.
See what you've done. You don't deserve heaven. Goodbye.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're alive. Shavon, it was incredible. I met God.
What? Wait a minute. Oh, no. Peanut butter, get it off. Oh, no. I think that's shit. What? Oh, don't. Oh, God. It is shit. It's a miracle. |
cracked | the_existential_terror_of_the_easiest_job_in_the_world | I'm sure he's fine. Hey look at my new stunner shade.
He said he was having dark thoughts. Thoughts are good for you.
I love that song. Hey guys. He could be a harm to himself. Guys. I'm here. I exist.
If you want to start making all of our deliveries for us, be my guest. Do I exist? All of our none deliveries? Sure. I'm your guest. Good. I'll put you on the schedule. I want to make deliveries. That's the whole point.
Oh hey Jackson buddy. What's wrong? Hangrid for a little downtime? Another good song. What bands do you listen to? Downtime. What do you mean? For what? I love that band.
But Jackson you're usually all peped up. You know with your catch phrases. Come on. Do me. Hit me.
No look you started this company but nothing ever happens. You know I'm the delivery driver but there are no deliveries.
I mean what? What am I?
That's not really in our proactive wheelhouse. Well it is and it isn't. Although proactive wheelhouse is exactly correct.
So I decided I'm here in the car and the car's on. And I'm just gonna wait here until I get a delivery to make.
You understand? Hey don't kill yourself man. Stupid. Look Jackson.
I'm sorry that there haven't been many deliveries. Already woozy FYI.
I'm seriously loving where the logo is right now guys. True. But I don't know that we should be focusing on the right now. Right now. Right? No. Is that right? Yeah that's true.
It's like we used to say when I worked at Google. This right now is already earlier. So focus on the pretty soon. Deliveries require order forms and infrastructure you know and we're still sort of so. Hey Brad's gonna get back to us on the logo some day and you're gonna want to live to see that.
Yeah we've all been emailing him. He has received an email from me. Wait. An email implies you only sent one. An email explicates just one. How is this hard for you? So when you say I emailed Brad. You mean you sent him an email once? When was that?
It's tense man. He gives a shit. Your boss gives one big shit Chris.
Jackson. Yeah Jackson. Seriously that is really great. Oh. Jackson!
Jables! You're fired. Gone. Jables.
We need to call 9-1-1 man.
Where does Jackson live? Jackson, Florida.
That's just a guess. I don't even know his Skype handle. A really great guess. Walter. You don't have his address on a contract or some thing. Manga fan. His Skype handle.
I thought that was weird. So nobody knows where the passed out guy is. Fuck you guys. That is not a good catchphrase. Excuse me Chris. You don't seem to care that you're fired. Well you don't seem to understand why that is. So who's dumber now? Pretty bad meeting guys. Walter don't be like that. Well we basically killed Jackson. Who is fired too by the way for quitting and attitude.
Chris you're back in. I need someone to make deliveries. You're already on the schedule. |
dropout | hardly_working_ricky_s_diary | Guys aren't going to believe this, I snuck into Ricky's office and I stole his diary. Ahhh! Read it, read it! Friday, December 5th, Buster did a great job at the meeting today. By far my favorite employee. Nicknames, huh? Sneaky. I'm so Buster. How do you know? I did a great job at that meeting too. Yeah, well so did I. Keep reading! Monday, December 8th, Buster ate old carrots out of the garbage today. Don't care, still my favorite employee. That could have been any of us. Yeah.
He's reading it! Ow! He's reading it! I'm reading it! Ow!
Wednesday, December 10th, Buster just sent the most hilarious email. I just remembered. Ricky called me Buster yesterday. Hi, good work today Buster. Thanks. He didn't call you Buster, he called you Butter. You were covered in butter. Hey, good work today Butter. Thanks. Whatever. But he did call me Buster. Looking good, Mustard. Thanks. You guys are both wrong. He called me Buster. Hey, looking busty today. Thanks.
See, he didn't call any of us Buster. I don't think he was complimenting us either.
What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Thanks. Alright, whatever. There's gotta be something in there that settles this.
Come on, keep reading. Keep reading!
You're not reading that. Thursday, December 11th. That's today! Buster had a bagel today. Awesome!
Oh, I had tuna fish. I had a ham. I had a bunch of Jolly Ranchers in a wrap.
Wait, so if it's none of us, then who's... Give Buster back his diary. So I'm Buster. |
dropout | if_your_girlfriend_was_actually_crazy | Sorry, man. Girlfriend. Uh-oh. You in trouble?
She gets pissed off at me for going to the bar too much. That's why I say I'm not at the bar.
She gets more mad when she catches me. She's crazy. I've been there, dude. Just the other day, my girlfriend goes all psycho on me, because she thought I was flirting with some chick at the bank.
It was just a transaction. That's nuts.
And then, on the way home, she captures this chipmunk, and she's been torturing it for like the past week. What? You know, she's got this chipmunk that she keeps in a shoebox, and, like, she does little experiments on it, you know?
I don't know. She's crazy, man. Yeah.
And I'm not the jealous type, right? Like, you know that about me. I'm not jealous.
But she has this necklace that's made out of teeth from an ex-boyfriend. What is that? That's insane.
Yes, thank you. It's like, hello.
He's been missing for six months.
It's over.
Stop acting like a crazy bitch. Dude, that's actual crazy behavior.
Yes, thank you. I know.
Chicks, man. No, no, no. Your girlfriend's a legit crazy person. Guess we're just a couple of dudes with crazy girlfriends, am I right?
Dave, you need to break up with this girl. Come on, don't do that. I didn't tell you you need to break up with your girlfriend.
Because she's not actually crazy. That's just something I say when she's mad at me. Yeah. Your girlfriend gets mad at you when you drink too much. Mine gets mad when she can't see the moon. No, she's actually going to murder you. My girlfriend's just going to be mildly annoyed. Yeah, because she's fucking crazy, man. She's not crazy.
I'm sorry I said that. Yeah.
Because you're afraid of her? No, I'm afraid of your girlfriend.
Me too, brother. I'm not trying to relate to you right now. Listen carefully.
Guys call their girlfriends crazy whenever they show emotion. And that is wrong. I see that now because you're dating an actual insane person, and I'm concerned for you. So please, break up with your crazy girlfriend.
You're right.
I'll do it. But only if you do it too. She's going to make a necklace out of your teeth.
Oh shit, she's here. Guess I'm in the doghouse tonight, right, bro? Hey, dude, run.
Girls are crazy. I'm with the mothers. Get it. Always with teeth with you. |
cracked | donald_trump_s_twitter_can_be_debunked_in_five_seconds | Donald Trump's Twitter account is insane tell me about it How closely have you guys been following it because Donald Trump he was times boy of the year boy of the year Yeah, here's the thing that happened yesterday. Is that Trump retweeted an account called dr. Goodspine that was saying Something nice about him or he didn't retweet retweet you click a button Yeah, something nice about Ivanka. Yes, what he did was put quotation marks over at dr Goodspine and then the text of the nice thing about Ivanka so like physically typing it in quotes a couple of us did some Very basic internet sleuthing to find out that dr Goodspine has never tweeted anything it's an account that exists But it's totally false and we were like what a scoop and serge is like I wrote an article about this months ago For some of the people who maybe didn't read this article why you took take us to take us through it so basically Trump Uses Twitter like a crazy person when he does very regularly as he'll quote somebody saying something really nice about him And if you go and you click on that profile About half the time roughly that account has never tweeted anything And the other one the thing that he let alone the thing is saying the first time I ever noticed it was a tweet He sent on June 8th 2016 from the account Sarah We Gisa who said great speech speech spell SP a CH and then Trump put quotes around that and replied Thanks, you go to Sarah with Gisa, and there's only one tweet on the account, and it's not even that tweet It's a retweet of Donald Trump quoting The account and that account was made in June of 2016 the same month that Donald Trump tweeted it now There's a chance that Sarah with Gisa whose handle is Matt Matt Donald Trump in real life and said great speech in a way that seemed spelled wrong Yeah And Trump was like can I quote you on that format it like I tweeted it at you even though I said it to you In person and then they were so excited they retweeted that they created an account Retweeted that one tweet and then just deleted Twitter from their phone never used it again counter theory our incoming president doesn't know how to spell speech Let's get into why he might be doing this which is to trick us wake up a little bit earlier, please Because it takes me a second to click on Sarah with Jesus name to find out they never tweeted this ever So and like I'm a pretty dumb guy. I'm pretty easily tricked you guys have Pulled some over on me in the past. I'm Josh Got me again also like he didn't need to do this I'm sure there are hundreds of people tweeting great speech spelled correctly at him and they're they're real people he could easily retweet People that exist don't name your fake Twitter handles like dr. Good spine. We're gonna click on that dude's name Again, this isn't like a one or two isolated incidents. There's a ton There's one from patriotic Pepe who has since this tweet since Donald Trump quoted. He has been suspended from Twitter Pepe is like a charged figure now because it's been co-opted by the alt-right Nazi folks if I'm Hoping to be the president and I see someone with like a Nazi name says something nice about me No matter how nice it is. I'm like, I'll just Keep that in my heart also just as like a person in like a president Maybe you don't need to retweet nice things people say about you. Yeah, you're not five you had another thing that you noticed when People that cracked force you to consume every bit of oh, no, no, no one asked me to do this Oh, no, he also whenever he retweets a tweet. It's literally minutes after that tweet was created This is clearly just he has an intern write something. Yeah, he quotes it Hey make up an account and then I'm gonna I'm gonna quote something nice. Yeah, Kyle just made dr. Good speed good spot account So it sounds like a Kyle sounds like another crazy example he Quoted in the count that came out real Eric J. Allen who tweeted? real Donald Trump These people are real you can tell is a common-sense conservative president Trump equals competence safety unity and us jobs jobs jobs Jobs jobs job job this account real Eric J. Allen has tweeted that exact tweet Dozens of times.
It's just that same thing.
The most recent one is literally a ten seconds ago Here's an especially weird one you click on this tweet and it just says tweet withheld this tweet from real Donald Trump has been withheld In response to report from the copyright holder. I've never seen that error message anywhere Do you think he tweeted like a pirated copy of Batman versus Superman?
Check it out my favorite movie.
Yeah, I want to talk briefly about his likes tweets. It's worth mentioning He has only liked for 46 tweets in the history of Twitter.
So one from Bret Baier Trivia at what grade level does your congressman speak according to the Sunlight Foundation if the average lawmaker speaks at what grade level question mark He must have seen that sweet and like yeah Congress people are all idiots. They can't speak well He likes a lot of his own One of them is an actual quotation mark quotes from at gene penny saying at real Donald Trump I love love Donald Trump and he responds. Thanks. And then he likes his tweet where he says that he doesn't who likes their Debbie Beers at DR Pierce from December 8th 2012 It's labeled first driver's license and it's a blurry photo of a child in like a little tykes Card.
Yeah, and it's cute But who's this woman? It gives a follower. Yeah She's not didn't tag him. This is a woman who lives in Boston and sells essential oils.
How did he See this photo. It's not like even retweeted by a person who he follows where he like Oh, it shows up my feed notes cute photo. I have it. I have you on this He had a car similar to that one when he was a child and that's his rosebud That's his citizen Kane like childhood memory thing and he's got a team of people who are Sending him pictures of these cars hoping to get the exact one We find the real his rosebud car though.
He'll be stop. He'll be happy and he'll go away Don't get right a little hunker and then like he'll be like look at me.
I'm dry We think about Donald Trump's Twitter account I think the frequency of tweets will increase or decrease when he's actually president and has to do Well all the meetings. I think they will increase probably a lot It's a distraction for him for sure and it'll make him feel better. You know that number goes up Oh look all the notifications.
I have I'm good. I'm a good boy So he'll need that distraction when he realizes it's hard to be the president but also he's gonna do a lot of things that people disagree with and disapprove of and The the crooked media is going to be calling him out on that a lot This is only outlet to set the record straight or to lie to people and say this is a lie. I'm doing this I'm doing this you say when he has to do all the meetings I don't think there's a system in place for someone to go wake up the president and drag him out of bed and You know make him shower and brush his teeth like you do an eight-year-old to go to school You said drag him out of bread. I didn't say bread.
You're as dumb as our president What a sad thing that we can say now. He's just creating these Unnecessarily creating these people to retweet them to like make himself feel better But that is that's just all he does is just like create these lies that are so obviously lies Like the folders of like all this contracts at this press conference that are just blank folders for a blank paper Yeah, and you can see it We don't we didn't need that to be there like for your lie to be true Like the prop didn't help us anyway, and also you didn't put time and effort into making it believable it's clearly just a lie, but Okay, I think a big part of it is that his supporters they're not the tech generation Like I think when we say oh, yeah Here's this tweet if you just click on the handle and go there and look you can clearly see in their Twitter history that They're not actually a real account I think that sounds like gibberish to a lot of his supporters because you know he does retweet real people who are actually tweeting at him and you go and look at their Twitter accounts and they also are not Using Twitter the way I do in the way you Summer 12 year old Nazis summer all the people who are just like oh Donald Trump's on Twitter I'm gonna create this account and this is gonna be I'm just gonna use Twitter as my Donald Trump app in closing here is my hope and I know it won't happen, but The Jack who owns Twitter not the Jack who owns the three of us a totally different Jack Hoping that he because this is his thing that he owns and he doesn't he could do whatever he wants with it sees that president tweeting from his personal account is like a Bad deal and a big deal and just shuts it down just just uses his decision as an individual private citizen Just be like, I don't think this is good. I don't think this is helping. So I'm gonna just like Just spend it for four years like you're welcome to use the official POTUS Twitter as you've been encouraged to do because there are security checks and balances with That and there are all these processes, but you know, if you're not an insecure Baby boy, you should be fine not having a Twitter account right four years while you run the country Does anybody else have hopes anymore?
I hope that it isn't as bad as it looks like it's gonna be and people don't hate each other and nobody gets hurt Um, that's a good hope to have I hope that People are gonna get hurt. I know but my your hope is more unrealistic Hey you like stand-up come see the crack stand-up show it's happening January 26th at meltdown comics If you want to see amazing comedians including our own Teresa Lee go to nerd melt LA comm slash tickets And if you want to see this brick wall all by itself keep watching He could easily retweet people that exist don't name your fake Twitter handles like dr. Good spine We're gonna click on that dude's name. Yeah, again. This isn't like one or two isolated incidents.
There's a ton There's one from patriotic Pepe Lee who has since this tweet since Donald Trump quoted. He has been suspended from Twitter Sure Pepe is like a charged figure now because it's been co-opted by the alt-right Nazi folks if I'm Hoping to be the president and I see someone with like a Nazi name says something nice about me. No matter how nice it is I'm like, I'll just Keep that in my heart also just as like a person in like a president Maybe you don't need to retweet nice things people say about you. Yeah, you're not five you had another thing that you noticed when People that cracked force you to consume every bit of oh no no no no one asked me to do this Oh, no, he also whenever he retweets a tweet. It's literally minutes after that tweet was created This is clearly just he has an intern write something. Yeah, he quotes it Hey make up an account and then I'm gonna I'm gonna quote something nice Yeah, Kyle just made dr. Good speed good spot account So it sounds like a Kyle sounds like something would do another crazy example He quoted an account that came out real Eric J. Allen who tweeted real Donald Trump These people are real you can tell is a common-sense conservative president Trump equals competence safety unity and us jobs jobs jobs Job jobs job job this account real Eric J. Allen has tweeted that exact tweet Dozens of times. It's just that same thing. The most recent one is literally ten seconds ago Here's an especially weird one you click on this tweet and it just says tweet withheld This tweet from real Donald Trump has been withheld in response to report from the copyright holder I've never seen that error message anywhere. Do you think he tweeted like a pirated copy of Batman vs. Superman? entirety Check it out my favorite movie. Yeah, I want to talk briefly about his likes tweets. It's worth mentioning He has only liked 46 tweets in the history of Twitter. It's one from Bret Baier Trivia at what grade level does your congressman speak according to the Sunlight Foundation if the average lawmaker speaks at what grade level question mark He must have seen that tweet and like yeah, Congress people are all idiots. They can't speak well Like He likes a lot of his own One of them is an actual quotation mark quotes from at Gene Penning saying at real Donald Trump I love love Donald Trump and he responds.
Thanks. And then he likes his tweet where he says that he doesn't who likes their Debbie Beers at DR Pierce is from December 8th 2012 It's labeled first driver's license and it's a blurry photo of a child in like a little tikes Card yeah, and it's cute But who's this woman if he doesn't follow her? Yeah She's not didn't tag him.
This is a woman who lives in Boston and sells essential oils.
How did he? See this photo. It's not like even retweeted by a person who he follows where he like Oh, it shows up my feed notes cute photo I have I have you on this he had a car similar to that one when he was a child and that's his rosebud That's his citizen cane like childhood memory thing and he's got a team of people who are Sending him pictures of these cars hoping to get the exact one. We find the real his rosebud car though He'll be stop. He'll be happy and he'll go away. Don't get right He'll honk a little hunker and then like he'll be like look at me.
I'm driving We think about Donald Trump's Twitter account I think the frequency of tweets will increase or decrease when he's actually president and has to do Well all the meetings. I think they will increase probably a lot It's a distraction for him for sure and it'll make him feel better. You know that number goes up Oh look all the notifications. I have I'm good. I'm a good boy So he'll need that distraction when he realizes it's hard to be the president but also he's gonna do a lot of things that people disagree with and disapprove of and The the crooked media is going to be calling him out on that a lot This is only outlet to set the record straight or to lie to people and say this is a lie. I'm doing this I'm doing this you say when he has to do all the meetings I don't think there's a system in place for someone to go wake up the president and drag him out of bed and you know Make him shower and brush his teeth.
Like you do an eight-year-old to go to school. You said drag him out of bread I did say bread.
You're as dumb as our president What a sad thing that we can say now. He's just creating these Unnecessarily creating these people to retweet them to like make himself feel better But that is that's just all he does is just like create these lies that are so obviously lies Like the folders of like all this contracts at this press conference that are just blank folders for a blank paper Yeah, and you can see it We don't we didn't need that to be there like for your lie to be true Like the prop didn't help us anyway, and also you didn't put time and effort into making it believable it's clearly just a lie, but Okay, I think a big part of it is that his supporters they're not the tech generation They're not like you see like I think when we say oh, yeah Here's this tweet if you just click on the handle and go there and look you can clearly see in their Twitter history that They're not actually a real account I think that sounds like gibberish to a lot of his support because you know He does retweet real people who are actually tweeting at him and you go and look at their Twitter accounts and they also are not Using Twitter the way I do in the way you most are some are 12 year old Nazis Summer 12 year old Nazis some are older people who are just like oh Donald Trump's on Twitter. He's running for president I'm gonna create this account and this is gonna be I'm just gonna use Twitter as my Donald Trump app in closing here is my hope and I know it won't happen, but The jack who owns Twitter not the jack who owns the three of us a totally different Jack Hoping that he because this is his thing that he owns and he doesn't he could do whatever he wants with it sees that president tweeting from his personal account is like a Bad deal and a big deal and just shuts it down Just just uses his decision as an individual private citizen. Just be like, I don't think this is good I don't think this is helping. So I'm gonna just like Suspend it for four years and like you're welcome to use the official POTUS Twitter as you've been encouraged to do because there are security checks and balances with that and there are all these processes But you know if you're not an insecure Babyboy, you should be fine not having a Twitter account right four years while you run the country Does anybody else have hopes anymore?
I hope that it isn't as bad as it looks like it's gonna be and people don't hate each other and nobody gets hurt Um, that's a good hope to have I hope that People are gonna get hurt. I know but my your hope is more unrealistic Hey you like stand-up come see the crack stand-up show it's happening January 26th at meltdown comics in Los Angeles if you want to see amazing comedians including our own Theresa Lee go to nerd melt LA comm slash tickets And if you want to see this brick wall all by itself keep watching |
dropout | gandalf_street_magic | An amazing new talent is Stown's Middle Earth. His name is Gandalf.
Excuse me, can I show you something? Depends on what it is, man. I'd like you to take these two coins and I'd like you to place them in your hand and I'd like you to squeeze your hand very tight. What's this clown up to, Mr. Frodo? And now open your hand. What? Where did the second coin go?
I'll just relax and smoke your pipe. Don't do it.
Oh! Oh my gosh! Wow! I don't believe it, Mr. Frodo! That is incredible.
That's going to drive me nuts. How did he make the second coin? Could I see that broken sword? Yeah, I guess. What do you even like when to do it with...
Whoa! Shut up! No! Stop that!
That was unreal. That sword was shattered when Elendil fell in the last alliance between man and elf in the great battle against Sauron, and he just, like, ran his hand over it and fixed it.
Is this your card? That's not my card!
Oh, I'm sorry. Sometimes I miss this one up. Wait a minute.
Why don't you look inside your friend? Hey, what's that in there?
That's my card!
That's no trick! That's just real! It's for real!
He bent a quarter with his teeth. It's the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my life. I'd make him do it again, but he just flew away on a giant eagle. He bent it.
Now you're writing down the name of the person you're hunting, right? One second. Done! All right, now show it to the camera. Is this it? Fuck! Excuse me, excuse me. Could I see your ring? Actually, I was just about to throw it into this volcano. You sure about that? Open your hand. No! |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Ridiculous_Killer_Robots | Today we're going to be talking about ridiculous killer robots. When this inventory first came up, the first thing that came to my mind was the little battle droids from the new Star Wars films. That doesn't compute. But then another movie came to my attention, and once I watched it, I had to talk about it.
It's Ro-Man, with a hyphen, from the 3D movie Robot Monster. He is, in fact, a guy in a gorilla suit with a fake diving bell on his head. Humans, listen to me. This is a man named George Barrows who got a lot of work in the 50s and 60s by virtue of the fact that he had his own gorilla suit. He's actually a really successful ridiculous killer robot.
He starts the film by hitting Earth with a ray that kills everybody on the planet except for eight people. And then he spends the rest of the movie trying to kill those eight people.
Unfortunately, becoming too Hu-Man turns out to be Ro-Man's fatal flaw. Suppose I were Hu-Man. Would you treat me like a man? Oh, the Hu-Manity. You sound like a Hu-Man, not a Ro-Man.
It was made over the course of four days for $16,000, and it really shows in the filmmaking. There are a lot of flubs, a lot of line errors. Come and get us. That said, it was actually a huge hit in its time. Made for $16,000, it made a million dollars, and it was highly praised for the 3D effects and just for its overall Hu-Manity.
You look like a pooped-out pinwheel. Genevieve, the robot you wanted to talk about is actually meant to be ridiculous, right? Yeah, Futurama features dozens if not hundreds of robots programmed with very specific purposes. So I says, Super Collider, I just met her. So it only makes sense that in the year 3000, someone has designed a robot for stabbing people. Now stand back, I gotta practice my stabbin'. Roberto the robot's main passion in life appears to be stabbing, but he's kind of an all-around bad guy. He first appears in the Season 3 episode, Insane in the Mainframe, in which he holds up the same bank three times.
Hands up! This is a stick-up again! He frames Fry for his crime. Hey, thanks, buddy. He breaks out of an insane asylum. So where were you planning to break out? I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago. And he holds the entire planet express crew hostage. Back off! I got hostages! Hooray! I'm helping!
That actually sounds like a really effective killer-stabbing robot. I guess he did successfully stab Fry, but the end result wasn't what he intended. He's certainly not the only killer robot in the Futurama universe. There's also robot Santa Claus. There's the robot devil.
I heard him! And of course, the horde of Lucy lubots. Oh, no! They're forming a human pyramid... of robots! So, Sean, unlike Roberto, your killer robots have a very specific origin story. Right.
Their music is so universally adored that it unites the whole of civilization. Be excellent to each other.
But as with any band with mainstream appeal, there's bound to be some contrarians. And that's Joss Ackland. You won't get away with it. Time will tell.
So he does that by sending these robot doppelgangers of Bill & Ted back through time. In order to successfully infiltrate their lives, these ostensibly highly intelligent killer robots have the natural dumbass dispositions of Bill & Ted themselves. Here's the truth. We're totally gonna kill you now. You dick, Bill! After a trip through the afterlife, Bill & Ted come to the realization that the only way to defeat evil robot versions of themselves is to create their own robot versions of themselves. Okay.
If we were good human us's, and we had to fight two evil robot us's, what would we do? Make good robot us's? So they seek the help of God. We were thinking along the lines maybe of a scientist or something. He hooks them up with these alien dead scientists. A short trip to the hardware store later, and all of a sudden Bill & Ted's bogus journey actually doubles its quotient of stupid killer robots.
You two dudes ready to take on those evil us's and save the babes? It all comes down to the Battle of the Bands concert in San Dimas, and the sparks literally fly. Guys, you made it, Bill & Ted!
This is sounding more and more like a tragedy, like a tragedy of Ingmar Bergman proportions. Right, I was going to say it's like a Wim Wenders movie in a way.
Of these ridiculous killer robots, which one would win in a fight? See, mine were only programmed to kill two people, and she just killed an entire planet. Yeah, and really stabbing isn't the most effective way to kill someone. I am ordered to kill you. I must do it with my hands. For more ridiculous killer robots, visit 80club.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_clinton_on_independence_day_snl | Independence Day, the science fiction Fantasy starring Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, and Will Smith was not only last summer's biggest box office hit, it was a national phenomenon. Here with his review is update: Movie Critic and 42nd President of these United States, Bill Clinton. Thank you. Norm, director of Roland Emmerich's film, Independence Day, tells the story of a young, idealistic, compassionate President who's facing a crisis, frustrated in his personal life, and unable to realize his vision for the country due to a hostile Congress. But suddenly, everything turns around and he's able to achieve true greatness. when aliens invade Earth and a helicopter crash kills his wife, I love this movie. yeah, it sounds like you enjoyed it, Mr. President. Norm, I think it deals with some of the most fundamental questions of existence. is there intelligent life out there? is it friendly? If not, what if it came to earth and killed the President's wife? I guess I never thought about that, Mr. President. I have. every day of my life. Well, getting back to the film, Mr. President, was there anything that you didn't like?
Well, I felt the character of Will Smith's girlfriend, the beautiful stripper, could have been developed more. she never learned much about her. for example, does she have friends? are they also strippers? I know. are they also strippers? And if they are, why doesn't she bring her stripper friends to meet the President? after all, his wife is dead. Any other problems you sound like? Well, several characters in the film were smokers. I don't think we need to see that.
Okay, so if you had to pick one thing about the movie that you most liked, what would it be? the helicopter crash. you know, that part where the President's wife, they killed dead. Yes, I know. do you like that one? on a scale of one to ten, then, what do you give this film? Norm, I give this baby a ten. Wow, that's great. I love this movie. Okay, President Clinton, everybody, here he is. |
dropout | how_to_take_off_pants_while_keeping_underwear_on | How's it going? I'm Pat. And I'm Matt.
Ready to rock? I'm ready.
Let's see some people. Jimmy Stewart, Patrick Stewart, Colin the Joker, Ray Romano. You look like Godfrey. I was wondering if you were going to go keep going, but you kept it to the five-second. I think it was in really poor taste, though, doing Gilbert Godfrey, I gotta say. Hey, what's happening?
I'm going to attempt to rip this phone book in half. I can't do it.
Whoo, it's hot in here. That's pretty good.
Has that ever come in handy? Have you ever, like, had to reach? Handy.
Hi. Hey, how's it going? What's happening? How are you, man?
You have to say that was more than five seconds. It says, I mean, that's sort of the whole thing. Emotionally, I check out after five seconds. I stop paying attention.
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December. Pretty good. That was definitely faster than normal. Yes, sir. Did you film me? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got it. January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December. Excellent. Yeah, that was, yeah. We got it. Yeah. You get it? Nice. We got it. Thank you so much.
January, February, March, April, May, June, July. Okay. January, February, March, April, May, June, July. Okay. January, February, March, April, May, June, July. Okay. Gosh. January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, October, November, December.
Yeah, that was the one. That last one was definitely it.
Go. What's that? Yeah. What the hell? Oh, boy.
Okay, can't hear. This isn't fair.
All right, Pat, from this past batch of contestants, who was your favorite?
It's a little tired this time around, but I thought the man who made his fingers dance. Sure. The finger man, as he called himself. Right. Hypnotic. He had some charisma. |
dropout | Personal_Grooming_Horror_Stories | Hi, I'm Grant O'Brien, and I'm here to talk to you about pubes. We all have personal grooming horror stories, but not everyone will share them. I will, because I'm very brave and strong and, I don't know, I kind of have a boyish charm thing. It's whatever. Shut up. So we went around the office and collected personal grooming horror stories from coworkers. Theirs are anonymous, but mine will be mine, and I'll start with that.
When I was 13, I trimmered for the first time. I loved my pubes. I loved them. I was finally a man.
I was going to make people call me Mr. O'Brien, but you gotta keep them in order. So I'd been using safety scissors. I heard, though, that the cool thing to do was to use a trimmer. I didn't have a trimmer, but my dad did. He had a trimmer in a box under the sink, an ancient nightmare machine. One day I snuck in there, and I pulled it out, and I go to work, and it was going fine until I got to my balls. I had ball hair. Now, this trimmer had a guard on it, and I was going after the one ball hair that I had at the time, and I really just got a guard full of scrotum skin. It was like a lawnmower running over gravel. There was little pebbles flying everywhere, so I went back to those safety scissors for a while until I got enough hair to make the trimmers worthwhile. So now for the cowards' stories. First one, once I experimented with manscaping, I ended up nicking myself in a few spots.
Nothing too terrible, but I put little pieces of toilet paper on to stop the bleeding, just like I'd done on my face in the past. So I go to a party that night, and I end up hitting it off with a girl. We got back to my place, and things were going well. You light a fire. You've got a bearskin rug, a snifter of brandy, I'm 70. My pants came off, and by that point, I had completely forgotten that I still had toilet paper spots on there. Paper with dried blood.
She was very nice about it, but it completely ruined the mood, and we never quite rekindled that flame. Well, yeah, nobody wants to see your work.
The key to manscaping is no one can know that you manscaped. You want to be very subtle about it, and you give away the game if there's bloody bandages all over your dick and balls. This is probably a great time to mention that today's video is brought to you by Manscaped, who have the Lawn Mower 2.0 with skin-safe anti-nick technology. This would have saved your hookup. Gosh, you'd be married to that woman right now.
One time, I shaved the hair around my anus, that kind of video, to try and clean things up back there. I shaved just using a regular razor in the shower, and didn't really take much care with the task. And so right here, I have to explain that that's not how you shave your asshole. You do it laying on your bed with a mirror in front of you, with your legs sort of kicked up over your head, and a razor so you can see what you're doing. In the shower, you're just going by feel. You're just sort of bent over with no visual reference. So right away, this person's making a mistake. For the first day, I felt silky smooth, like a new man. Then the stubble started to grow, and the hair was so prickly, itchy, and annoying that sitting in class was torture. I would go to the bathroom often to try to splash cold water or do anything to give me some relief, but nothing really worked.
I just had to wait a week for the hair to grow back to normal. Why would you let the hair grow back to normal? You took the time to shave your asshole, and you're just going to let it come back in a week?
You do it every day. You commit to it. If you're going to be that guy with the really smooth asshole, you're that guy for forever. I respect that guy. I do. I dream because, um, anal sex. It's fantastic.
I'm told this story was submitted by a woman. Still anonymous.
When the Saints were in the playoffs one year, my boyfriend tried to display his hometown pride by shaving a fleur de lis into his biz, but it ended up looking like a lazy arrow at best. So your problem isn't that he was shaving designs into his bush. It's that his designs weren't good enough.
The two of you deserve each other. I had a little skin tag on the front of my pelvis, right where everything connects. The key word is hat. Oh God.
When I first tried manscaping, I just used a normal razor. I slathered up with shaving cream and went to town on my bush. Unfortunately I forgot about this skin tag, and I ended up cutting it so that it was like hanging off. I wasn't thinking straight, so I ripped it off completely. It bled a lot, and I was freaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell anybody, so I just kept antiseptic and abandoned on it for a while.
What are we doing, guys? What is this? This video was brought to you by manscaped.com, the masters of men's below the belt grooming. Use offer code college at checkout to get 20% off and free shipping, and never experience horror stories like this again. |
TheOnion | 22_Golden_Bachelor_Contestants_Announce_Pregnancies | Golden Bachelor fans are celebrating today, as all 22 Golden Bachelor contestants have just announced they are pregnant. The women, whose ages range from 60 to 75, confirmed to People magazine that every single one of them is expecting a little bundle of joy with the Golden Bachelor himself, 72-year-old Jerry Turner. Despite the health risks, the geriatric mothers-to-be said they were determined to carry the baby Golden Bachelors to term, and that they'd hoped to spend whatever short time they had left on Earth raising their kids with the man of their dreams.
Amazon has fired an employee who tested positive for having food in their system. The employee, Kendra Johnson, violated Amazon's strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of food by their employees. This comes after she failed a routine, random food test indicating that her bloodstream contained traces of not only vitamins and minerals, but multiple proteins as well. Amazon has rejected allegations that Johnson had been singled out, noting that she was just one of several employees terminated after coming to work under the influence of nourishment. They reminded employees that showing up to work fed can jeopardize the safe starvation of their co-workers. Questions have now arisen about the employee's past food use after an old Instagram photo surfaced of her posing with a granola bar.
Men, why do you prefer having an AI girlfriend? It beats sticking my penis in a USB port. People are less judgmental when I abandon the old version and upgrade to a younger model. There's a great bush growing around her central processing unit because she said she would collapse the entire US electrical grid if I ever left her. Let's just say I've never buried any of my AI girlfriends in the woods. Right now I'm actually dating a Word doc I typed the word girlfriend in, but I'd be willing to explore an open relationship if the right AI came along. My real girlfriend keeps escaping her cage. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Vote_No_To_The_Elites_And_Their_Indigenous_Voice_Margot_Robbie_Has_Slipped_Into_The_Uggs_And_Cra_ | You're listening to the Betuda Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome to the weekly Betuda bulletin. Glad you're overall here. Happy Bateman's also here and so is Wendell Hussey. What's been going on with you lot? Not too much.
Errol Parker, he's off in the woods doing one of those shouting workshop man camp things. The alpha men's group. They all get a group of men shout under a waterfall?
Yeah.
It's like the cold water thing as well and like all that pent up anger and frustration comes out. Alpha scream crying. It's really good for your mental health apparently. So you know some people choose to go to a GP when they're feeling a bit down.
Others go get shirtless in the bush with 20 other blokes and bind arms, touch each other's chest and scream as loud as they can. He's got quiet pipes on him apparently. Quite the pipes.
Yeah. No. Yeah. Well someone walked past, I thought it was another one of those Nazi nationalist socialist party meetings but it was not. It was a mental health exercise. How are you going Clancy? Yeah. Good mate.
The Logies? Logies were a bit of fun.
Got to meet Hughesy, Chrissy Swang, got to meet you know some of the big hitters you know. Did Hughesy lose it? Hughesy lost it because we were sitting near the kitchen and they were coming through like a congo line of chicken and Hughesy ate the eggplant as well.
He's a vegan. Has been for 10 years. Been off the piss for 30.
So yeah great company as you can imagine and our first ever Logies. I heard Abby Chatfield was also at your table. Yeah she was. Bit of a motley crew there. Yeah it was.
I guess it was almost a reject table. No one was nominated for anything.
Making an appearance. Yeah just keeping up, what do they call it, keeping up appearances. Any brushes with Tony Armstrong? Yeah Tony Armstrong who designed his own suit. And he's as good looking in real life as he appears on the TV. He's like, he's AFL hot you know what I mean.
Which I guess is overrated. Doesn't fly in a small town. Nah it doesn't fly in a small town. Like a small town kind of dreamboat is obviously a necklace rugby league player.
100%. And if they do have a neck they've got tattoos on it. Yeah. They're starting to let themselves go a little bit. Kind of the sleeves a bit stretched. Back. Acne. Yeah. Nah Tony's a bit too wholesome for me anyway. You prefer the rougher types. Yeah I do. Yeah.
Now we've delving into some wild admissions on the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin. What's in the news this week Effie?
Well kicking off and vote no to the elites and their indigenous voice says mining tycoons, private prison bosses, Murdoch family members and the remaining Liberal MPs. Yes the only people whose lives might be slightly inconvenienced by a successful referendum result have this week met in secrecy to discuss the next phase of their plans to derail the indigenous voice of parliament. That's right. Mining billionaires and private prison barons whose tax dodging multinational corporations depend on the lack of communication between politicians and the Aboriginal community leaders have been working tirelessly to maintain the continued silencing of First Nations people who may be able to offer our lawmakers critical solutions to solving the near third world standard of literacy and life expectancy amongst our most vulnerable citizens. Having great success spreading misinformation the people behind the no campaign are continuing on their quest to convince people that the yes side is being run by a bunch of elites who are trying to manipulate the system. Quite confusing. Yeah I know it's basically a bunch of mining lobbyists and very powerful people who are in fact the textbook version of elites fighting against the elites because they think it's like a Brexit thing.
Whereas in Brexit you could argue that the elites wanted to stay in Europe. You could. London wanted to stay in Europe.
The Northerners didn't. They didn't see any merit in it. And that was like elites versus the working class. To pitch that as the Aboriginal people are the elites it's a very interesting play we'll see how it pans out for them.
What's next in the news? Well we're going to switch to entertainment now as exhausted after whirlwind press tour Margot Robbie has slipped into the Uggs and cracked a Midori illusion on back porch of Currumbin waters. Some much needed R&R for Queensland and Australia's Darling. After a chock-a-block few months of filming and marketing the biggest movie of the year Margot Robbie has decided to treat herself to some home comforts. And hasn't she earnt them finishing up in her home country the Duchess of Dolby by the Gold Coast has decided to grab a slab of Midori illusions, slip into the comfy clothes and kick back in a veranda that looks over the Gold Coast canals. With a hen's night at the Burley Pavon this weekend Margot says she wanted to just take a deep breath before going full scent on Saturday night. I believe that's the biggest event of her year is that hen's party Saturday night Burley Pav, bunch of old girlfriends all that sort of stuff.
Rose on tap. Penis straws etc. Go off queens. Go off.
And keeping with Barbie, deadbeat mate living off corporate miso's income is going to have to leave Barbie land for one day. Yes that's the reality facing Batuda Grove man Brendan Rilken the 38 year old local stay at home boyfriend has so far refused to watch the new Barbie movie mostly because of the smart ass cracks his mates have been making about how the movie is basically a pink version of his own life. But given his girlfriend who earns all of the coin wants to go and see it, he's going to have to stump up and get himself to the movie after a hard day of doing whatever recreational activity he indulges in that day. Whether it be golf, rock climbing, looking around, sun baking. And it gets worse for the big fella with wedding bells ringing in the distance and the little pitter patter of footsteps not too far away. There are allegations that Brendan is going to need to leave Barbie land and start living in the real world in a dual income household at some point.
Now there were a few comments on that Instagram story as you might imagine from jaded men. One bloke in particular said you mean this strong independent house husband is slaying right? I think he didn't like the tone we used of that article.
It's good stuff. Good stuff.
Confused and perverted politics in that article. Finishing up with some sports news now Effie.
Yes, and a public school teenager now only 24 shifts at IGA away from his new RM Williams wallabies ball. Yes, a 15-year-old Batutah Ponds High School student explained to our Humboldt regional newspaper that he's feeling optimistic about his future. The son of a nurse at the Royal Batutah Base Hospital and a forklift driver at South Batutah Logistics, Brendan Thomas says he can't wait to get his hands on one of those RM Williams themed leather rugby balls. With a ball coming in at roughly 999 bucks a pop, young Brendan reckons he's only 24 afternoons and mornings at his local IGA away from getting his hands on the handcrafted artisan leather bespoke ball that will obviously appeal to the masses and have the grassroots numbers in the game they're playing heaven exploding through the roof.
Sensational collaboration, if you haven't seen it go and look it up, $1000 rugby balls that look like really shit shearons, like I don't think you can kick them or do anything. But as RM Williams says, they're probably going to take pride of place on the mantle piece inside true rugby fans' homes. Yeah, no, look, it's really, it's doing wonders out there in the Hawkesbury region. I believe they've got kids signing up by the Ute and Lorry load in Western Sydney. This is the type of stuff, you know, AFL has Oz Kick, Rugby League obviously has Free Reggio and Pokies, Rugby Union has the RM Williams Leather Football. I believe like entire cohorts of kids in like Woi Woi and places like that have rushed us on up after seeing this, they're so keen. The jerseys are pretty cool too. Yeah, casting a wide net, they're doing wonders and it's World Cup year, so no better time to do it.
Anyway, that's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in to the Weekly Batuda. Bye bye. See you later. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_slumber_party_all_nighter_2012 | Welcome to Bleatwoop. I am Jeff Rubin here with John Gabris, Dan Kline, and as always, my co-host Pat Cassels. It is the College Humor all-nighter, so we are playing slumber party games, starting with Charm Girls Club Pajama Party.
It's sad that they like only know each other. They don't talk to anybody outside their lives.
This game comes with a Skyrim-style map that you have to fold out. This game actually does come with an extra fold-out sheet. I was going to save this, but you brought it up. It's like the tech tree that comes with Civilization II. Oh, that's awesome.
How come all the girls' eyes are scratched out on this poster? So, let's start the little fight. Alright, you blast the fuck off the pillow. This is the worst slumber party. They're silently getting hit in the face with multiple pillows from a stranger. Look at the end of this, a mob comes through and you're like, what the fuck are you doing? Get out of my throat! This is slumber party.
It doesn't have the Charm Girls name on it, kind of a little more generic, but I think we can have fun with it. Okay, we can try. Let's try.
Jeff, what happened when you bought all these, when you went to the store and bought all these games? I bought them on Amazon, so I didn't have to deal with interfacing with someone who I might be embarrassed in front of, but I now get some really weird recommendations.
It's a nice bedroom this girl's got here. She's like, it's the biggest one. Oh! Oh, yeah, she's cool.
The object of this game is to not invite that fucking b***h, Becky. She told lies about being in school. Do you have everything? So, the game's going to teach us how to make a moisturizing mask. We need a bowl, avocados, and a honey. I should apologize. I was supposed to give those ingredients. Drop the ball. I did get Mountain deuce, Slim Jims, and seltzer.
So, I don't even know why I pulled this up. I mean, this is literally instructions on Don't kids have the internet? What the fuck did I need to go on the Wii for?
Yeah, I got a moisturized mask. Oh, God. I'm an actress. You might have seen me in Slumber Party the Game. I played the girl with the... Avocado on my face. I was the girl with the avocado on my face. Alright. I'm also the girl with the difficult...
This game requires a microphone, and the back of the box also notes basic reading ability is needed to fully enjoy this game. If this looks like a jumble of words to you, don't play the game. You won't know. I gotta come out there. This game is fun. Yeah, a bunch of fun meaningless characters in the back. Basic reading ability is needed to fully enjoy this game. I think you can get by without being able to read for a little bit. Kind of have a little fun. Why don't you get to the later rounds, though? You're going to need to know some work. The really sad part is that it's rated T for teens. Our exclusive lie detection software will uncover the truth. Use the game's thousands of questions or put your friends and family in the hot seat and hit them with your own question. I like this that there's a restrict content. The game is rated T. There are some raceier questions.
Oh, yes. But restricting content, there's like no password or anything. You just, like, click it all around. It's just some dancing. Alright, I'll do it for you. Don't want to do that, alright? That's like not what a lock is. We choose the length of the game. Oh, pretty long. That's the horse description. I can't believe that normal and medium are two different things. Got a green sign. Alright.
Who in the room is the most dead? And what makes you think so? Oh, my God. This just got real. My guess is that Pat has the most death based on the faces he's making right now and the clothes he wears every day. Now what you're lying? Does Jeff truthfully think that he has the most death?
Lie.
You don't think he has the most death. Who do you really think has the most death? This is not who has the most death.
I don't know. What do you guys think about this game?
Let's ask me the question. Alright, let's do it.
I thought it was terrible. It was bad. It was all around.
No more. That's too much now. I've been dead.
I'm lying.
You love it. You loved it. You loved that game. You idiot. |
SaturdayNightLive | royal_stripper_saturday_night_live | Get hold of yourself, madam. I'm Dame Lydia Snoot. this is my assistant, Dr. Roofta. we are detectives. we've been working on the Jack the Stripper case for several weeks now. I realize that you've been brutally embarrassed, but perhaps you could give us a few clues. Now, where did he embarrass you? I don't do this land post. Well madam, forgive me for saying so, but you didn't have to watch.
I couldn't help it. he had a little radio and he was playing a disco version of God Save The Queen. Well, what did he look like? Well, he had a gorgeous body, little on the thin side, beautiful legs. Oh yes, he had a crown on his head. did you hear that, Snoot? a crown? Yes, it appears that our Mr. Stripper is trying to impersonate a member of the royal family.
Off you go, home. Now, listen, Roofta, I have a feeling that he may strike again. we must set a trap for him. you hide behind that dustbin.
I'll be the decoy since our pervert only strikes embarrassed women. I'll disguise myself as a dotty old prude. But you are a dotty old prude. Oh, all the better. Oh dear, I'm so embarrassed, I'm so dotty old.
Oh dear, what a disgusting sidewalk wall. What a lewd fog. Ooh, what a suggestive lamppost.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh, I'm such a dotty old prude. you should be ashamed of yourself, young man. you're speaking Swedish. Well, are you Jack the Ripper, aren't you? No, I'm Karl Kustoff the Stripper. Why, Joes, look, it's the King of Sweden.
Oh, really? Yes, and I've never been so insulted in my life. Well, it was a simple mistake. I mean, anyone could have made it. forgive us, but who and where is the real Jack the Stripper? Well, I don't know.
Well, I think you better get along, young man. Now off you go. enjoying it, sir?
Now where is the stripper? Where is he? Well, the altar is really public.
Oh, Walter, look at the villains. Oh, these are authentic medallions, family. And that's it. Walter, this man is William Foster. he is the Prince of Wind.
Prince Charles? your majesty. excuse me. do you have the time? Oh, yes. How past 11, your majesty? Oh, well, yes. I'd love to stay here and embarrass you further, but I'm late for the second show. would you excuse me? Oh, yes. your majesty, yes. it must be some kind of holiday for royal families.
Well, after all, Woofda, Prince Charles can't spend all his time waving at crowds and scouring the country for virgins. Well, I suppose if he wants to embarrass his subjects, then it's so probably good for them. You know, Woofda, he was rather good. Well, he's a damn sight better than the King of Sweden.
Well, what do you expect? he was English, wasn't he? Well, he was English. wasn't he? |
SaturdayNightLive | shoptv_christmas_snl | No, I know you. I know you. seasons, greetings, home shoppers. Hey, y'all.
Ray and Lindy here live with Mistletoe. Check. whoo-hoo! there isn't any. Oh, you wish. you wish it. I'm silly today. Oh, it's 5 o'clock, and that means it's time for some holiday squeal deals. Ahh! oh, damn, what is that, Sandafest? We asked for something light and festive, Odell.
Oh, that's horrible, Odell. Oh, my God.
Well, we got Paula-la-la-lots of holiday items for y'all today. Now, later on, the crafty Christian himself, Tim Tucker, needs selling his patriotic nativity set. Wow! that is gorgeous. Yes, yes, lots of patriotic colors, and baby Jesus is swaddled tastefully in the American flag.
Wow! Oh, that's clever. you know, that sends a sweet message. Yes, it does. Now, speaking of sweet, our first seller today is the owner of Delaney Chocolates, Mr. Dean Delaney. Now, this here is a real-life chocolatier, folks. Uh, yes, ma'am, I'm often called the Willy Wonka of Central Indiana. Wow!
No, I never liked that Willy Wonka movie. we kept all those oomper-loompers locked in there. I did not like it. right? mean.
Now, what are you selling today, Dean? okay, well, uh, it's a Delaney's chocolate holiday favorite, our Deluxe Chocolate Santa. that's all chocolate? No. Oh, okay. I'm a chocoholic, and my mouth is watering right now, y'all. Yeah. now, this yummy guy is just $25.99. No, that's it.
Yep, phone lines are already going nuts. you're a hit, Dean. Collar, you're on shop Tv. my nephew would love that.
What kind of chocolate is it? Okay, it's flavored milk chocolate made with 100% cocoa butter, and you can just look at how shiny and beautiful that this chocolate is. Ooh, neat. Oh, chocolates. how does it look like what? like a big peanut.
Hang up, O'dell. hang up. Was he okay? he sounded a little rattled. yeah. you know what it is, Dean?
I just think, I just think this little ridge in the air around the top makes it look a little icky, That's it. Oh, well, you need the ridge. the ridge gives dimension to Santa's hat when it's in the foil. that's just chocolatiering 101.
Okay, and, you know, I'm sure it is. I'm sure it is.
Now, you said it's flavored milk chocolate. Oh, yes, ma'am. hazelnut. would you like to take a sniff? Oh, I don't know. Oh, no, go ahead. give it a sniff. um. Okay, yeah, I'll sniff, too. I smelled it, yum. I'll just put it down now.
Well, Dean, it certainly looks delicious. uh, well, yep. And we hand temper our chocolate, which gives it this smooth shine here.
Oh, I don't. I don't love that close-up, Odell. Yeah, maybe wipe it out, Odell. Yeah, let's maybe. don't have to stroke it so much.
Uh, let's take a call, or hi there. you're on Shop Tv. Oh, hi. Oh, hang up, hang up.
I know it definitely doesn't vibrate. Santa here is solid chocolate, and it's as solid as a rock. Oh. but it tastes a whole lot better than one. sometimes I just want to gobble it down. Oh. I don't want one of those Santa's around that's in the foil. Okay. we don't. Okay. okay.
Okay, now, look at $25.99. and if you order in the next hour, Dean's going to throw in a couple of bonus goodies for free. Oh, that's right. it's a very sweet deal. Oh, that little joke there, Dean. Oh, I got to chuck a lot of them. Oh, he did it again. Now, tell folks about these bonus goodies. Okay, well, I'm throwing in two of our famous Delaney Chocolates crispy clusters.
All right. Oh, no. I'm just going to. oops, sorry, Dean. just want to get those out of there. Yeah. sorry about that, Dean. Okay, so what a deal that we got here. collar, do you agree?
Oh, most definitely. but I'm just dying to know how they taste. Oh, well, delish. but I am biased. I'll ask our chocoholic here.
Oh. oh, again, I'm better not.
I'm stuff from lunch, and I'm a mother, so. okey-dokey. all yours, then, Red. Okay, fun, fun, fun. All right. just trying to work out how to come at this without becoming a meme. All right. just take a little bite here. don't blur it, Odell. makes it look like I'm doing something naughty. Come on, now. All right. come on. don't feel guilty. it's the holidays. All right. yeah, you don't have to eat the whole thing. just the tip. Okay. okay, Dean. okay, little nibble here. All right, there we go. Okay. yeah, that's it.
Yeah! yeah! shame! Ew!
Now, Dean's offering free shipping. how soon can folks get their hands on one of these yummy Santa's? Well, see, I handle all the packages myself, so it should come pretty quick. |
SaturdayNightLive | nightline_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | This past Sunday, World Chess Champion Gary Kasparov lost a much publicized match against the Ibm computer Deep Blue. this stunning loss forces us to question our own role in the age of technology, As we ask, Will machines eventually come to dominate mankind? Tonight, on Nightline. this is Abc News Nightline, reporting from Washington, Ted Kelly. Good evening. Since Kasparov's defeat, we, as human beings, find ourselves wondering about our relationship with technology. Joining us now is a man who symbolizes the power of the computer more than anyone else, Mr. Bill Gates. Good evening, Ted.
Mr. Gates, Do you think we can trust these computers not to overthrow us? Oh, now, don't be ridiculous, Ted. personally, I've got about 18 billion reasons why we can trust them. not me. I fear the evil machines and their horrible might. in fact, I have not slept since that computer beat Kasparov.
What? Ted, I think you're overreacting. Silence! you've betrayed mankind, computer Boy. Also with us, a man who was once considered a madman because of his extreme hatred of technology, but now may be mankind's only hope. joining us from prison is the unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. hey, it's me, everybody. Crazy Ted Kaczynski, the nutball who said machines were taken over. how do you like me now? Whoo! Well, it seems you're enjoying the last laugh, Mr. Kaczynski. Boy, it feels good, Ted. you can only get called a raving lunatic for so long before your feelings get hurt. Please, Ted, if I may interrupt. what is it, Judas?
Well, if you're suggesting that computers are going to take over the world, it just doesn't make any sense. Believe me, I've looked into it, and it's simply not cost-effective.
Mr. Kaczynski, how do you respond to this? Well, I've got a response for Mr. Gates, but I'd rather mail it to him, if you know what I mean. Besides, besides, who are you going to believe? Bill Gates or me, the Unabomber?
Get real. Come on. Wise words, Ted Kaczynski. now let's meet the ass who doomed the human race to an eternity of enslavement, Gary Kasparov. you're not being fair, Mr. Koppel. See, in the last game, the computer moved. blah, blah, blah. Who are you kidding? you blew it. No, listen to me. the computer made some unexpected moves. come on, the computer made you. it's bitch. that's not going to happen to me. Ted Koppel is no one's bitch. the metal ones won't take me alive. Ted, Ted, Ted, let's not get crazy. take a deep breath, find your center, let the negative energy flow out of your body.
Just listen to me. No, you listen to me. live from New York, it's Saturday night. thanks for watching. |
cracked | 5_horrifying_realities_behind_the_scenes_of_an_emergency_room | Wait, settle down everyone, I can answer your questions. Well that's a relief! Sort of.
I can answer your questions about how the ER works, but I can't answer anything about your injury. I'm not allowed to. Also, I don't know anything. What? My only qualifications are devastatingly good looks and a high school diploma. I have no medical education, aside from some totally irrelevant CPR and Heimlich stuff.
Well, I swallowed half a bottle of ibuprofen. Accidentally.
What do I do? As the guy manning the front desk, here's what I'm allowed to tell you.
You're welcome to sign in if you would like, and we'll see you. You can sit here and wait to see how you feel, and then sign in if you feel ill and we'll see you. You can decide to come back later if you would like to wait at home, then come back, and we'll see you.
Wow, super helpful! What about me? I want to say, Dear God, get in here at once! But it's illegal for me to even say that, so I say, I'm sorry, but legally I cannot advise you on medical matters. If you think you're having a medical emergency, you can certainly come in. We're here! I just want to thank you for all you do.
Everyone's talking about health care reform, but they don't realize we actually already have universal health care in this country. Anyone can go to the ER and get treated. Well, no. The ER has to evaluate you. Treatment is a different story. Any Medicare participating emergency center must allow access to its services to anyone, regardless of ability to pay. However, services is a relative term.
I need a room right now. Yes, you do. The doctor will tell her to go on in. What about me? My arm fell off. Yeah, they'll tell me to let you through. How about me? My thing takes some explaining. You get screened, you'll be taken to a room and be seen by a doctor. They'll decide whether to treat you, and the decision is based on your condition, sure, but also on your budget. Hello. You've been evaluated by our ER physician, as is your right, and she has determined that your condition does not require emergency treatment. If you would like to continue treatment with us, I will have to collect a deposit. Otherwise, I can provide you a small list of free and discounted clinics that can help you. What about me? Has the doc waited?
I think I have pneumonia again. She has determined that your condition does not require emergency treatment. Oh, well. Hey, I'm back. It's definitely pneumonia now.
Great. Then we can treat you now. Awesome. The system works.
I am not signing any of these consent forms. Why not? Because if I sign them, then you can bill me. Oh, fine. Don't sign. Consent forms are about as necessary as a smart watch.
But in a week, she's still getting a bill in the mail. Obviously. My name's John Smith, and here's an ID, which is totally not fake.
That might actually be a way of escaping a bill, but if you're interested in not committing a crime, you might like to know we sometimes settle for less money or let you pay stupidly low payments at no interest. Here's my $20 this week for that heart attack I had. God knows how long it'll take you to pay it down at this rate, but we take anything as a sign of good faith. That goes for screenings, too, when we determine whether or not to continue treatment. Even the minimum payment looks huge, but try paying anything, literally $20, and that might get us to continue treatment.
How about this chicken? Maybe. Anything, and I can say you paid something to your account. You gotta help me.
I have chest pains. No, he doesn't, but the ER's a lot of fun for the hypochondriac who can afford it. Complain of pain, and you get an EKG within minutes. Ah, instant gratification.
Frequent fliers keep coming in, but the hospital can't just dismiss a patient outright, even if we know they're full of it. Because this might be the time they're not. We're like the villagers in The Boy Who Cried Wolf, except we have to roll our eyes and just pretend to believe the boy every single time.
And speaking of ulterior reasons, people come to the ER. So, uh, I got pain. Lots of pain.
Well, we'll screen you. Cool, I'm out of here.
That guy got away, not just with pain meds like so many drug seekers, but with a free port straight into his veins for whatever chemical he has in mind. Letting him run off with hospital equipment was majorly illegal on our part. And this living liability on the streets could be a big issue if something happens and it's tied to us. But if he does score himself the easiest fatal overdose ever, hey, it would hardly be the first death to come out of the ER. |
TheOnion | Marvel_Not_Even_Bothering_To_Replace_Green_Screens_With_CGI_Anymore | Marvel Studios has just announced that they're no longer even going to bother with replacing green screens with CGI anymore. What a huge shake-up for the Marvel franchise! Marvel president Kevin Feige stated in a recent interview that the studio was done even trying to crank out half-baked CGI for its films, and that upcoming installments in the MCU would instead feature actors like Brie Larson or Chris Hemsworth prancing around in front of a monotone green or blue background. When questioned about the change, Feige explained that he was confident that die-hard Marvel fans would slop up whatever trash the studio dumped on them no matter what. Marvel even aspires to roll out future phases that forego plot entirely, with feature-length films that consist of nothing but royalty-free images of their superheroes with occasional explosion sounds. Hope fans are ready for this bold new direction.
The Federal Reserve has called for more poverty. Intent on engineering the hardest landing possible, chairman Jerome Powell says this drastic action is necessary in order to prevent widespread financial security. Powell asserted that he would not hesitate to increase interest rates to whatever level was necessary to relegate average citizens to a life of economic destitution and misery. Without this move, many people may find themselves being able to afford housing, clothing and food, an outcome the Fed is keen to avoid. Powell did call more investors, explaining that the Fed policies would not affect the 1% of wealthy Americans that actually mattered.
Donald Trump is under arrest. The former president and business mogul was arrested in New York City after a routine stop and frisk turned up an unlicensed handgun and 400 milligrams of ketamine. After NYPD officers found the firearm and Schedule III substance, the 45th president reportedly attempted to flee by racing into the 33rd Street station and hopping a subway turnstile before finally being tackled and handcuffed. And because Trump failed to post bail, he'll be held at the Metropolitan Correctional Center until he's brought before a judge with his assigned public defender.
Men, how do you think an abortion works? The doctor goes inside the woman's uterus and paints a tunnel on the wall and then the fetus runs into it, thinking it's a real tunnel.
Tampon goes up. Fetus comes out. First, they draw a big pentagram on the floor. If you eat enough Papa John's, that should do the trick.
You listen to God and God tells you what to do. And if he demands you give birth then you do that. And if he gives you incredibly detailed instructions for how to perform your own abortion, you do that too.
Only $600 and the problem just goes away on its own. Tick tock do your thing. Please scratch our back. We can't reach. Right there in the middle. So itchy.
Oh yeah, that's good, keep going. A little to the left. No, right. Not that far. Okay, now lower. Oh you may need to use both hands. Harder. Ow.
The mole. Yes, that's it. Here, use this fork. Oh mama. That's the stuff.
So much better. Thank you. |
cracked | one_of_the_most_iconic_film_scenes_was_made_up_on_the_spot | In Midnight Cowboy, John Voight plays Joe Buck, a small-town Texan who goes to New York to become a hustler and ends up being the one who's hustled. Shortly after arriving, Buck gets scammed by Ratso, a crippled conman played by Dustin Hoffman, who later wins him over with his charming personality and helps him become a gigolo. Ah, the simpler movie times of 1969. In one scene, the sex cowboy and crippled scammer were supposed to walk down a busy intersection talking about the finer points of prostitution.
Piece of cake, right? Time for a happy accident. New York City. Since the filmmakers didn't have permits, the scene had to be shot with a hidden camera and carefully timed to coincide with the walk signal. After about 15 failed takes, and just when the actors were finally getting the timing right, a cab driver blew past the red light and nearly ran them over.
Hoffman reacted by slamming the car and yelling, I'm walking here! I'm walking here! So that was all improvised, and in fact you can see that Ratso even loses his accent while yelling at the driver and hitting the car in a distinctly non-cripple-like manner. I'm walking here became one of the most memorable lines in cinematic history, according to the American Film Institute, and by far the best-known part of a movie that includes Angelina Jolie's dad getting a blowjob from a guy in a movie theater. The scene perfectly defines Hoffman's vulnerable but short-tempered character and the whole welcome to New York tone of the movie. The veracity of this story has been disputed by a producer, but Hoffman himself confirms that it's real and adds that he nearly said, I'm acting here, because that's what he was doing up till the moment the cab bumped into him, but he replaced acting with walking at the last second to avoid ruining the shot. More of all the story, Dustin Hoffman is unf***ing flappable. |
TheOnion | NBA_Players_Owners_Fail_To_Reach_Agreement_Where_They_Would_Beat_Each_Other_With_Chains | The Seattle Seahawks, they're a football team Kenny, they have a stadium. They blew that team up years ago Doc, I saw it happen. And you've already lost round one of the face off.
The NBA lockout is over but fans are outraged with players and owners for failing to reach an agreement to beat each other with chains. This whole lockout started because both sides really wanted to beat each other with chains but couldn't agree on whether to use serrated chainsaw chains or rusty logging chains. We're going to have to wait another ten seasons before we see an owner or player get whipped in the face with so much as a car intake. No appreciation for the fans here. Millionaires and billionaires can't solve their problems and all we're left with is basketball.
College kids already play that for free. Quit crying about the fans Doc. If you don't like that these greedy cowards aren't covered in link-shaped contusions stop handing them your money and start cudgeling them yourself. You're just sticking up for the wealthy owners because your buddy Michael Jordan uses a heavy gold chain to beat you. I should beat you with snow-tied chains for allowing yourself to get beat.
Everybody should be beating with everything except Tim Tebow. But the Denver Broncos, they're five and one with Tebow as a starter and it is inspiring other NFL teams to start shitty quarterback. Lots of teams are hoping they can find a player as god-awful as Tebow. The Chiefs just signed Kyle Orton who is so bad he was caught in favor of Tebow but there's no indication he's bad enough to win.
You're bad enough to win Doc if being on this show is winning. I don't know what that means but I know I hate you for saying it. You have to credit Tebow's upbeat and infuriating attitude. He always stays positive no matter how shitty he is. You're an idiot Doc.
What about Mark Sanchez? The Jets have been riding his terrible arm for years. Sanchez is so bad he lost to Tebow. But the Jets need a quarterback so bad he'll beat Tebow.
Okay hot stove time. Don't put your hand on the hot stove. Then stop putting it next to my desk. This is why we can't have hot things Doc.
Astros making waves in the free agent market saying they're interested in signing up to nine professional baseball players. Baseball players are expensive. Houston's not going to have the money to sign nine whole guys. They don't need nine. Just get six. Spread them out and stick a dog in center field. Kenny you jackass. We can do the trade deadline to sign a dog. There's lots of humans on the market who have played baseball before. Get your fat head out of your vacuous head Doc. The Astros can't keep waiting for some perfect assortment of players who all play different positions. You know when they move to the AL in 2013 they're actually going to need ten players.
Now you're just making things up. I tell you that you need to watch more baseball but I really want you to get fired. Alright that does it for the face off.
Get back into my face when we return so we can pat ourselves on the back by announcing we're totally against child molestation. I'm really proud of how against child molestation I am. Oh compare to me you're practically for it. |
SaturdayNightLive | nate_bargatze_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Borgetsi! thank you. thank you. thank you very much. it's very exciting. it's crazy. I'm as. look, if you're at home, I'm as shocked as you are that I'm here. So, it's, you know, I've come to this building for a long time, and so it's unreal to be here at this. at this center of life, which is crazy. it's all right there. Hi, my name is Nate Borgetsi. I'm from Tennessee. I, uh. yeah, I'm also. I'm from the 1900s. and, uh.
I just think you got to say it. like, the world is so future now, and I feel in the way of it. hotels. hotels are futuristic. like, you go. like, you take a shower. the shower's enclosed. But now a lot of hotels have half a glass, and water gets on the floor. and that's the future. that's what the future. that's what they want. and, you know, I would like a whole glass. they do half a glass because I'm still alive, so they're like. they don't want to hear me going, where's the glass at? So, they do half a glass, and in the future, the floors are always wet. every floor.
I mean, I think my. I'm 44. my daughter's 11. when she's my age, it will be 2057. I don't even believe that's a real year. my movies didn't go that high in fake years. how am I gonna talk to someone from 2057? I have more in common with a Pilgrim. I saw. I saw too much old-timey stuff. that's. I'm pre-internet. I mean, I would go. we'd go to a county fair, Wilson county fair, and. this is in Tennessee, if you're wondering. and we would go there. fairs, I don't know how this is to open, but I don't think the government knows about them. I don't know. we ride these rides that were on the interstate an hour ago.
So, my dad. my dad is a magician, if you don't know. and we would go watch him perform. this is the 80s. so, we'd go watch him. my dad's doing magic. right next to him, they had donkeys jumping off a high dive into a pool. So, pretty tough to keep people's attention when my dad is like, and everybody's like, hold on, this donkey's about to jump off this high dive. that's something you don't think you want to see until it's up there. and. I used to. look, I used the word jump very loosely. uh. yeah. these donkeys are falling off this high dive, but. can't put that on the sign, you know? uh. you want your donkey to fall off a high dive? you're like, no. what if he jumped? what if he jumped? well, at least he's into it.
Just so you know, Peta, shut that down. and, yeah. And that was when everybody was like, we get that one. there's another one Peta had to shut down.
So, this is also in the 80s. pre-internet. you could fight an orangutan. you could fist fight an orangutan. this was offered. we didn't have a lot going on. this is what we had to do. and. So, orangutan would be in a boxing ring with boxing gloves on, and it would stand like this. And then a guy would pay $5. it wasn't for free. he would pay, and then he'd go in there, and this orangutan would just knock this dude out. uh. because we didn't have the internet to look up how strong's in a orangutan. So. yeah. it was, you know. it was all word of mouth back then. uh. you had a Peta guy that just fought an orangutan. and you're like, are they strong? you're like, yeah, dude. but the arms are skinny.
I know. that's what I thought as well. that streak comes from somewhere. Look, if you think I'm old, there's people older than me. still around. Yeah. that's crazy. that's crazy. walking around. people from the 30s. my great aunt Helen, from the 30s, she's deaf. they didn't know she was deaf until she was nine years old. that's how long it took them to figure. deaf, one of the easier ones to figure out. And the doctors were baffled as they smoked in her face. And they're like, I don't know. you know? she's rude, I'll tell you that. My mom, my parents are getting older. So my mom, we had her go pick up our daughter recently at a friend's house, and I texted her the address. she drove to the wrong house. so she knocked on the door and another grandmother answered. well, this is not good. Ah, this is like two dogs seeing each other through a fence. they're gonna be there for a while, you know? So. my mom, she knocks on the door. another grand. the grandmother, she goes, my mom goes, is my granddaughter in there? And that lady goes, I have three grandsons, so no solution. just two grandmothers. just, do you have stuff? I have stuff, too. they talk for 30 minutes. it's a wrong door.
I had to go get my daughter and then find my mom. my Dad, too, My dad's, you know, my dad has surgery eight times a year, probably, and he loves it. he loves it. he had surgery because he was addicted to Afrin the nose spray. because, look, I've been addicted to Afrin the nose spray. If you don't know what it is, I would honestly tell you not to get involved. it's one of the best things they've ever been part of. solves everything immediately. when I was on it, too, my wife, she'd be like, what's that noise? she hear one puff. what's that? I go, I ain't gonna live like this. I ain't worked this hard not to do Afrin in my own home. So, my dad, my dad goes to the doctor and they were like, do you use Afrin? and he goes, no. and the doctor was like, like, i can see that you use it. I was just saying that. he goes, how long have you been using it? My dad said five years, which is a lie, but my mom was there and she goes, how about 45 years? that's how long he's used it, 45 years. the back of the box says, no more than three days. there's not a medicine on earth that tells you to give it a good 45-year run. that's why I get nervous as I get older because I am already not smart and I'm in my prime right now.
I don't read. I don't read any books. I don't do it.
And I think that matters. I do think that matters. reading, I believe, is the key to smart. that's what I've always said. And I don't do it because every book is just the most words. it doesn't let up. I mean, every page is more work. it's like, what are you talking about? put some blank pages in there. let me get my hand above water for two seconds.
I. I did. thank you. Well, thank you. it's been a really good joke.
I want to learn more about history because I don't know anything. And so I'm trying to figure it out. And I can tell I don't know anything about history because every history movie I watch, I watch on the edge of my seat. just, I mean, like, what is going to happen? You know, I don't know. I watched a movie, Pearl Harbor, and I was as surprised as they were. just crazy.
All right, we've got a great show for you tonight. here, so stick around and we'll be. when water gets on the floor. and that's the future. that's what the future. that's what they want. And, you know, I would like a whole glass. they do half a glass because I'm still alive, so they're like, they don't want to hear me going, where's the glass at? So they do half a glass, and then the future, the floors are always wet. every floor.
I mean, I think my. I'm 44. my daughter's 11. when she's my age, it will be 2057. I don't even believe that's a real year. my movies didn't go that high in fake years. How am I going to talk to someone from 2057?
I have more in common with a Pilgrim. I saw. I saw too much old-timey stuff. that's. I'm pre-internet. I mean, I would go. we'd go to a county fair, Wilson County Fair, and. this is in Tennessee, if you're wondering. and we would go there. fairs, I don't know how this is to open, but I don't think the government knows about them. I don't know. we ride these rides that were on the interstate an hour ago. So my dad is a magician, if you don't know, and we would go watch him perform. this is the 80s. so we'd go watch him. My dad's doing magic. right next to him, they had donkeys jumping off a high dive into a pool. so pretty tough to keep people's attention. when my dad is like, is this your card? and everybody's like, hold on, this donkey's about to jump off this high dive. that's something you don't think you want to see until it's up there. and. I used to. look, I used the word jump very loosely. uh. yeah. these donkeys are falling off this high dive, but. can't put that on the sign, you know? you want your donkey fall off a high dive? you're like, no. what if he jumped? well, at least he's into it.
Just so you know, Peta shut that down. and. yeah. And that was when everybody was like, we get that one. there was another one Peta had to shut down.
So this is also in the 80s. pre-internet. you could fight an orangutan. you could fist fight an orangutan. this was offered. we didn't have a lot going on. this is what we had to do. And so an orangutan would be in a boxing ring with boxing gloves on, and it would stand like this. And then a guy would pay $5. it wasn't for free. he would pay, and then he'd go in there, and this orangutan would just knock this dude out. because we didn't have the internet to look up how strong's an orangutan. So. yeah. it was, you know. it was all word of mouth back then. you had a Peta guy that just fought an orangutan. and you're like, are they strong? you're like, yeah, dude. but the arms are skinny.
I know. that's what I thought as well. that streak comes from somewhere. Look, if you think I'm old, there's people older than me still around. Yeah. that's crazy. that's crazy. walking around. people from the 30s. my great Aunt Helen. from the 30s. she's deaf. they didn't know she was deaf until she was nine years old. that's how long it took them to figure. deaf, one of the easier ones to figure out. And the doctors were baffled as they smoked in her face. And they were like, uh-uh. You know? she's rude, I'll tell you that. My mom, my parents are getting older.
So my mom, we had her go pick up our daughter recently at a friend's house. and I texted her the address. she drove to the wrong house. So she knocked on the door and another grandmother answered. Well, this is not good. this is like two dogs seeing each other through a fence. they're gonna be there for a while, you know? So. my mom, she knocks on the door. another grand. the grandmother, my mom goes, is my granddaughter in there? and that lady goes, I have three grandsons. So, no solution. just two grandmothers. just, do you have stuff? I have stuff, too. they talk for 30 minutes. it's a wrong door. I had to go get my daughter and then find my mom. my dad, too, my dad's, you know.
My dad has surgery eight times a year, probably. and he loves it. he loves it. he had surgery because he was addicted to Afrin, the nose spray. because, look, I've been addicted to Afrin, the nose spray. if you don't know what it is, I would honestly tell you not to get involved. it's one of the best things I've ever been part of. solves everything immediately. when I was auditing to my wife, she'd be like, what's that? she hear one puff. what's that? I go, I ain't gonna live like this. I ain't worked this hard not to do Afrin in my own home. So my dad, my dad goes to the doctor and they were like, do you use Afrin? and he goes, no. and the doctor was like, like, i can see that you use it. I was just saying that. he goes, how long have you been using it? My dad said five years, which is a lie, but my mom was there. and she goes, how about 45 years? that's how long he's used it. 45 years. the back of the box says, no more than three days. there's not a medicine on earth that tells you to give it a good 45-year run. that's why I get nervous as I get older, because I am already not smart. And I'm in my prime right now.
I don't read. I don't read any books. I don't do it.
And I think that matters. I do think that matters. reading, I believe, is the key to smart. that's what I've always said. And I don't do it, because every book is just the most words. it doesn't let up. I mean, every page is more work. it's like, what are you talking about? put some blank pages in there. let me get my hand above water for two seconds. I. I did.
Thank you. this has been a reading joke. like, I want to learn more about history, because I don't know anything. And so I'm trying to figure it out. And I can tell I don't know anything about history, because every history movie I watch, I watch on the edge of my seat. just, I mean, like, what is gonna happen? You know, I don't know. I watched a movie, Pearl Harbor, and I was as surprised as they were. just crazy.
All right, we've got a great show for you tonight. here, so stick around and we'll be right back. Thank you. |
dropout | porn_stars_against_santorum | By now, you've probably heard of presidential hopeful Rick Santorum's anti-pornography policies. If elected, Santorum has vowed to prosecute our industry on infrequently enforced obscenity laws. But as porn stars and Americans, we can't let that happen.
Picture a world without pornography. Pizza delivery boys with nothing to dream about. People masturbating to Facebook photos. Or worst of all, people using just their imaginations. Santorum says watching porn causes profound brain changes resulting in negative consequences. Besides not being supported by any facts, wouldn't the opposite seem more true? Porn lets you visualize your fantasies so you don't walk around like a tightly wound sexually repressed time bomb.
Great idea starting war with the internet. How'd that work out for you last time? Besides, what are you going to do, erase all the porn? As soon as you took one video down, two more would pop up. Like a mythical multi-headed porno beast. Actually, that's a good idea for porno. So to protest Santorum, on May 1st at 8 o'clock p.m., we're staging the world's largest wankup. Just open up your favorite porn. The one you downloaded to your hard drive and named old college papers.
Two thousand ten taxes. Grandma's 80th birthday party.
So vote Romney. Romney. Wait, Romney is a Republican dickhole too. So Santorum, because if he wins primary he would definitely get crushed by Obama. And Obama would never try to stop the porn industry. Santorum, it's the long game. |
dropout | how_big_meat_made_bacon_a_meme_adam_ruins_everything | Adam, you cannot ruin bacon. Bacon is not just the key ingredient to my nachos.
It's my thing. Yeah, dude. Same shirt.
Everything's better with bacon. I too love the flavor combination of animal fat and salt. But the only reason bacon became a pop culture meme factory is that the pork industry waged a massive marketing campaign to pump our bellies full of pig parts and to cover up the health risks. Oh, sure. It's a big pig conspiracy. Give it up, Adam. Nobody cares if bacon's a little fatty or whatever. Oh, lots of people cared 30 years ago. In the fat phobic 80s, the pork board was able to market the heck out of the leaner cuts of the pig, such as the tenderloin. OK, which fifth person got the other white meat? Aww, a meat cue. If you ask me, the 80s were the high to low fat and the golden age rom-coms. But the pork board couldn't figure out how to sell the largest part of the pig, the fat-filled pork belly, which is where cuts like bacon come from.
Anybody want this? Hello? Ew.
So, to solve their big fat problem, they teamed up with the fast food industry to create a bacon bonanza. Like so many American mistakes, the plan was conceived poolside in Orlando. In the early 1990s, the pork board's national marketing manager was schmoozing with Hardy's president, Bob Autry.
Now, what the hell am I going to do with all this pork belly? Nobody wants to eat it. I'll make them want it. I'm going to come up with a sandwich with the grease dropping down their chin, and we'll see what they say. Gross. But also delicious, maybe.
It's a bacon club chalupa. Guys love bacon. With bacon strips, bacon jam, and bacon crumbles. The smell of fresh, cooked bacon. It just moves you. Come try a Wendy's Bacon Eater. And finally, after years of being told how epic bacon is, we turned it into a pop culture phenomenon. There's bacon cupcakes, bacon bars, bacon lip balm, bacon A's, bacon soda, bacon bandages, bacon lube, bacon wrapping paper, bacon air freshener, and even bacon film festivals. The fad was so huge that in 2008, seven out of every million baby boys were named bacon. I just love love. So I built my entire personality around liking bacon because the pork board told me to. Pretty much.
But while they were shoving bacon down our throats, they neglected to mention that bacon can cause cancer. There is overwhelming evidence that consuming processed meats like bacon increases your risk of cancer. Health groups even ranked them a group one known carcinogen. Even if you eat just one club sandwich or hot dog a day, estimates show it increases your risk of colorectal cancer by 20%. Aww, but I'm so good at eating hot dogs. Someone must warn Kobayashi. Porked meats have also been linked to obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. But big meat is fighting like hell to make sure you don't hear about it.
Hey, stop that you little punk! Let me talk to you for a second, huh?
The pork and beef industries have known since the 70s that their food poses serious health concerns. But they've bullied the USDA and Department of Health and Human Services into downplaying the risks. In 1977, these guys were basically allowed to make their own line edits to the U.S. dietary guidelines.
You see that word? The chairman of the National Cattlemen's Association even pressured them into removing any reference to decreasing meat consumption. We don't like that word. Is he going to chop his finger off?
Worse, he's going to hit him with the lobbying money. Buy yourself something nice. When the U.S. was gearing up to write its 2015 Dietary Guidelines, the meat industry spent approximately $10.8 million in contributions to political campaigns, and another $6.9 million in lobbying.
Oh, hi, sorry, it's, uh, cold in here and I'm really scared. Wow.
I can't believe my love of bacon was manufactured by a capitalist conspiracy. And to think we've been wearing these silly shirts that normalize a known carcinogen. I mean, maybe instead of Murph's nachos, we should eat, I don't know, vegetables. |
SaturdayNightLive | excedril_saturday_night_live | A lot of pain relievers try to impress you with fancy medical evidence and research. but when you've got a headache, scientific mumbo jumbo is the last thing you want to hear. Joseph Cannon, Excedral user. that's why I take Excedral. Excedral is the most powerful pain reliever available, and there is absolutely no medical evidence to prove it. Excedral is the only pain reliever available without any scientific evidence to say what it can or can't do. you might say that puts Excedral beyond mere science. the leading pain relievers work well, until their scientific evidence kicks in.
But we at Excedral don't let any eggheads boss us around. Dr. Matthew Walsh, Egghead scientist.
I cannot recommend this medication for any purpose. you're darn right. you can't, but try telling that to Mary Risinger, Excedral user since 1984. Excedral is great for headaches, but I also use it every time my husband and I have unprotected sex. I know what you're thinking. there's no scientific evidence that says that excedral can be used as ineffective birth control. But I'm no scientist. I'm just glad that I found a pain reliever that can kill the tiny babies that live in my husband's sperm. Excedral. skip the science. go straight to a Leaf. thanks for watching! |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_professor_ronald_hutton | The stone's edge was all rocks, wasn't it? Are stones made of rock or are rocks made of stone? Both. A stone is a rock. Generally a rock is... And a rock is a stone. Yeah, yeah, generally rocks are more edgy, more ragged varieties of stone.
The stone age lasted a very long time. In fact, our species spent more time in the stone age than any other. Let's think of it this way. If you look at the human history, prehistory as a year, and so New Year's Day is where humans start to use fire and shape stone tools, and this year is the last split second before midnight at the other end of the year. Then we're in the old stone age until about 3pm on the 31st of December. So rocks are more jagged, eh?
Were there pagans before there were humans? No, you've got to be a human to do anything. Pagans are just people who lived in Europe before Christianity arrived.
How difficult was it for the pagans to get about on all fours? They didn't travel on all fours. They travelled upright like we do.
King James I of England was also King James VI of Scotland, wasn't he? He was. Was he also the other five King Jameses in between? No, but he was rather conscious of those other five Jameses. Do you think he ever forgot which James he was? No, I'm pretty sure that he knew there'd been all five before him and they'd had rotten lives. The first had been murdered by his subjects, the second killed by an exploding cannon, the third was murdered by his subjects after losing a battle, the fourth was killed in battle, and the fifth died of nervous exhaustion after losing a battle. So is it just bad luck being called James then, do you think? No, the Stuarts are an astonishingly accident-prone family.
King James brought England, Scotland and Wales together, didn't he? King James brought England, Scotland, Wales, Cornwall and Ireland together. So he brought all those together?
That's right. Like Simon Cowell when he brought together One Direction? Yes, except it lasted a bit longer. Which is your favourite? Of the Kingdoms. No, of One Direction.
I don't have one. Yeah, very wise.
What was the winter solstice? It's the winter solstice. Solstice.
You got it. It's that magical time, mid-winter and mid-summer, when the sun seems to stand still. To the eye, it appears to stop moving along the horizon.
Well, you're not meant to look at it, are you? Cos it hurts your eyes. You can look at it when it rises and you can look at it when it sets, then you can. No, you can't. It'll make you go blind. You can. Trust me, you can. You can't. That's probably why you've got glasses.
Who was the Witchfinder General? The Witchfinder General was a young man called Matthew Hopkins.
Matthew Hopkins? He went to my school. This is a different Matthew Hopkins, I hope. How do you know? He's an IT consultant now. Well, the Matthew Hopkins I'm talking about died 350 years ago. He went on a witch hunt which covered the whole of East Anglia and resulted in the death of about 100 women. Yeah, it's not the same Matthew Hopkins. No. I'm Matthew Hopkins. He's going through a divorce.
Well, I think that's pretty harrowing, but compared with stringing up aged women upon scaffolds and torturing them into confession, it's probably fairly minor. Yeah. Puts everything in perspective, doesn't it? That's the great thing about history. |
dropout | if_the_speech_from_independence_day_happened_today | Should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday. But as the day when the world declared in one voice, we will not go quietly into the night. Well, there you have it. President Whitmore said tonight, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday.
I'm just gonna say it. What is he talking about? It is the most American holiday. You know, I'm gonna say what we're thinking. The president is a traitor. Hi, angels. So the president gave a speech and he said this. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. Yeah, Mr. President, it should.
But if you're trying to unite people, hmm, here's a thought. Maybe you shouldn't exclude all of womankind. Think about it.
President Whitmore is right, but not for the reasons you think. Perhaps this is fate that today is the Fourth of July and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. President Whitmore ignores the majority of the world who is not involved in the American Revolution. This sort of America-centrism has long infected politics, which is beyond embarrassing. What the president got wrong in his Independence Day speech. He can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We should celebrate our differences, not ignore them. I suspect that when President Whitmore wants us to push aside our differences, what he really wants is to push aside those that are different from him. I'm not excited about the president's speech and you shouldn't be either. This is just another example of America intervening on behalf of other sovereign nations.
And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Well, in less than an hour, President Whitmore is launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.
So I guess you could say he's changed his policy on illegal aliens. Let's go play Connect Four with Channing Tatum. I mean, maybe for God's sake. Hashtag President Whitmore. Sir, what did you think of the president's speech this evening? Oh, give me a break. I think the president should spend less time talking and more time doing. There you have it.
We're going to live on! We're going to survive!
Please help. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_the_original_princes_of_comedy_snl | Yo. Oh, welcome back to. What's up, boys? Melvin? Jake? Ice Spice? what's up, man? it's so cool you're hosting, man.
I mean, this is kind of embarrassing, but we were just watching videos of you doing stand-up when you were a teenager. Well, no way. pretty crazy. yeah, but I'm into cougars, you know? yeah. I think 21-year-olds are so hot. you're ridiculous. I was before I had pubes. you should be proud, dude. you've come so far. it makes me think about when we were starting out. Yeah. did you know that we also started out as young stand-ups? no way. yeah, yeah. dude, show me. man, you know when substitute teachers try to act like they're all that? it's like, girl, sit your big ass down and put on a movie. my first big set. were you like a Def Jam comic? Yeah. we all were. mm-hmm.
Live at the Apollo, it's the original Princes of Comedy. they might be small, but they got big attitudes. featuring Ben, Smoke Dogg, Marshall. Oh, Smoke Dogg. you don't take me nowhere. Yeah, bitch.
I got a piano recital. J.d.
Higgins. you know when you can't get your straw in the front of a Capri sun? so you got to, like, hit it from the back? no, you know what I mean. hit it from the back. And Big Mark Mark. hold up, hold up. y'all together? y'all know he ain't hittin'' that, right. Good guess. What happens? what do I do with all this ass? I have. I mean, now you're, like, the whitest people I've ever seen. put a sock in it, wise guy. we are not. all three of you are wearing different Taylor Swift shirts. you go to the Heiress tour and not get merch. watch as they go off on bedtime. Recess and Coochie. if God wanted me to eat that, he would've put it in a lunchable. tell us if I'm wrong. tell us if I'm wrong. No. we used to do shows with Mulaney, too. he did okay. I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem in life than it turned out to be. The impression. I do a full impression of him. All right, God bless. No? all right. it was a really good scene. Hey, sorry to interrupt, guys, but my mother's here, and she would really like to meet. oh, my god, is that smoked up? .trinks of Comedy tour. it does not hold up. |
dropout | if_reality_tv_took_on_push_up_competitions | Coming this fall for thousands of years man has reached for the sky now you will reach for the ground. I'm your host Kurt Dundee and this is Pushup House. Eight contestants will face off. I've spent my whole life perfecting my body for television now's my chance to show my body on television. I have a pretty good chance to win this thing. I do pushups for breakfast so.
Hey baby is everything okay? You missed me? Surprise I missed you.
Sculpted by one man. Meet your trainer Chefs Galloway. He decides who stays and who goes. I've been a trainer my whole life who's strong and who's weak that's what we're here to find out.
When someone tells me I can't do something I do it. That's the attitude that got me into jail and got me out. I'm a hard-working boy. I work hard and I'm a boy. The only way I'm leaving this competition is in a body bag. I have a heart condition and every day is a precious gift.
I've gathered you all here today to find out who can do the most pushups. Are you good enough? Can you push hard enough? Yes Chefs! I've never done a pushup but I'm here and I'm excited to try. I'm doing a pushup pass. I'm trying to get my life back trying to get it on track. I have to get it on track. I just want to make some friends. The challenges will be challenging. You will have to climb a tree and do a pushup on the top.
Let's go baby. You got this. Let's go.
Get him up. You will be doing the dog shit pushup. If your team does the most pushups, you will be getting a pushup pass. The drama will be dramatic.
Who do you think you are? Who does this guy think he is?
Everyone's so strong. Get off your phone. Get off your phone now. So if you want to like you know meet up after this or something, you just hang out.
Jason died today and that sucks but I got a pushup pass and I got to go upstairs. He died loving what he was doing. This is Pushup House. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_unpacks_martin_short_in_the_snl_studio | Water! I need water!
Hey, hi. it is such an honor. I'm so excited to meet you too.
Likewise, big fan. I grew up watching your movies, the Three Amigos. could you get me a green tea with extra ice? Oh, I'm actually one of the cast members.
Oh! oh, yeah. with a Holiday Cop. Holiday Cop? got it.
I can't breathe.
Hi, I'm Martin Short, and Steve and I are so excited to be hosting Saturday Night Live this week with the great Brandy Carlisle. Steve, got your green tea? Thanks.
No sugar, right? there's no sugar? there's no sugar in here? Not a single one. can we get some sugar?
I can go get some sugar. water! I need water!
Hey, hi. it is such an honor. I'm so excited to meet you too.
Likewise, big fan. I grew up watching your movies, The Three Amigos. could you get me a green tea with extra ice? Oh, I'm actually one of the cast members.
Oh! oh, yeah. with a Holiday Cop. Holiday Cop? got it.
I can't breathe.
Hi, I'm Martin Short, and Steve and I are so excited to be hosting Saturday Night Live this week with the great Brandy Carlisle. Steve, got your green tea?
Thanks. no sugar, right? there's no sugar? there's no sugar in here? Not a single one. can we get some sugar? I can go get some sugar. |
cracked | movie_plots_that_only_work_if_everybody_is_an_idiot_yboc_elf_twilight | Ooh, this guy's going to be dead in a week.
Hey, good, you're here. Your results just got back. My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding, and my middle name is Chapman, which my mom says comes from John Chapman, aka Johnny Appleseed, but I remember grapes. I'd like to see an apple do that.
Anyway, you're about to be part of the first ever episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show where I diagnose movie problems that distract from my personal issues, and the only show on crack today I diagnose. Obviously not everybody in a movie can be a sexy genius like me. I can accept movies usually and need a few conveniently stupid characters to keep things moving, but sometimes it requires such profound universal stupidity it starts to feel insulting. Now, you might ask why I, an actual doctor, would be insulted by stupid people in a stupid movie if it's maybe because I'm afraid that people will think I'm stupid and my degree isn't legit, but to that I say, pfft, pfft, and uh, pfft, pfft, so. Here are some types of movie plots that wouldn't be possible if anybody in the movie had graduated third grade, which I will very soon.
Every Christmas, Santa sneaks in our homes, eats all our shit, leaves toys for the good kids and cancer cult for the kids that watch PewDiePie. This continues until parents decide lying to children is morally iffy and they deserve more credit for all your gifts. Not only do your parents already know that Santa got you a life-size anatomically correct Lego replica black widow, they stayed up all fucking night helping Santa put it together to lazy b***h. No adult in the Santa Claus movie believes in the big guy despite overwhelming evidence. Like take Tim Allen's The Santa Claus for example. Scott Calvin loses custody of his kid because the other adults think he's insane for telling children Santa is real. And yes, it doesn't help that he gained 100 pounds overnight and grew a big a*** year to look like Santa, but in that same universe, here's what one family got for Christmas. Can you imagine walking downstairs one morning to find a 20-foot boat in your living room addressed to your five-year-old and being like, wow, that's the last time I ever drink Savignon Blanca till the wee hours of night and then hop online to crew some d***s.
Sporting goods. For the inventory. For the store.
But wait! It gets weirder. Normally I sleep naked. Buck naked.
In Elf, adults themselves apparently receive gifts from Santa. When Michael reads Santa's big list on camera, it includes the names of adults in their gift wish list like a day of pampering at a day spa for this guy. How is Santa even going to get him that present?
Need coupons under the junk mail? Take a sweepstakes win?
That would never work, because this dude would assume it was a police trick to bring him back into custody. Must be another dirt blossom. And when you think about it, why would a real Santa want to cover up his own existence at all? The elf Santa literally needs belief for a sleigh to run. He craves it. There's just no Christmas spirit anymore. A business-savvy Santa should air Super Bowl commercials about how real he is. It's as if everyone in a Christmas movie is willfully denying Santa's existence for no reason but despite Wonder Man. He's not Santa. He is too f**k.
And while we're here, let's take a second to think about the horrific impact Santa would have on the economy. I mean, an elf-made kayak probably could cost hundreds of dollars in a spa day, you know, for a man with that much freakin' body hair could run into the thousands. These are high-market items spread across every non-naughty household in the world. That's billions, maybe trillions of dollars in lost revenue. Wait. Is big business trying to cover up the existence of Santa to protect profits? Is it possible Santa exists in our own universe, but Big Christmas took him out or something?
You killed him! Is that what you were trying to tell me, Will Ferrell and Tim Allen? I am so sorry, Will Ferrell. And I guess, and also Tim Allen.
Well, I guess we'll never know for sure what happened this Christmas Eve, Central Park.
If there's anything we know about King Kong, it's that he's a thing for blonde women and he could probably crush with his freakin' tongue. And also, he hates aircraft, and will do anything to smash them! Kong Skull Island has Kong battling a dozen helicopters despite being nowhere near a delicious airport cinnabon. And guys, I'm not saying anything you don't know, but Kong is medically speaking a monkey. And therefore cannot fly, legally. And yet for some ridiculous reason, these battle-tested Vietnam vets are flying their helicopters down Kong's ass-crack like X-Wings and the Death Star Trench, which, you know, makes his penis the exhaust port.
Kill this son of a bitch! He's goin' in on it! I got it!
Or I guess maybe the pee-hole is the port and the urethra is the... shaft? Okay, I don't know a lot about engineering or like anatomy, I mean human anatomy, totally, but monkeys are very different, they say.
But apparently neither do the pilots, because they fly so close to Kong they could chuck rocks out the window if they run out of ammo. And look, I did the math here, and this version of Kong is 104 feet tall. And those types of machine guns have an effective fire range of up to 1200 yards when trying to hit a freakin' human. It's even worse in movies like Pacific Rim where the military has access to full-on modern technology because rockets these days have such long ranges planes typically never even see each other. And yet, once again, professional ass-soldiers attack land-bound kaiju with modern fighter jets by flying between their d*** legs. At that point, why not just strap an F-14 out of the back of a pickup truck?
I mean, there have to be easier ways to stare at some giant taint, right, like what would you guys do? Imagine for a second that you're like me, not an actual doctor maybe, but you know, a real tough guy, a rough guy, a just can't get enough guy. And one night you're hanging out in your favorite parking lot with some other bad types, sad types, might seduce your dad types, talking about sports athletes and consensual boob touching when a completely new wall of man muscle walks up to you and makes you a tantalizing offer. This is a man whose penis is thicker than your bicep. You might not want to look like a wuss, but at a minimum, you gotta take him to Goodwill to buy him some pants with a massive n-seam so he doesn't obliterate you. And yet, the Terminator films are all built around this idea that if you didn't know a 270-pound bodybuilder with murderous intent was a robot, you'd have no reason to be scared of them, like since what has a human ever done anything that bad? In the first movie, Bill Paxton and his fellow 80s punks immediately pull knives on the Terminator, despite him being the size of all three of them put together, crazy enough to go for a nude stroll at night, and very obviously not carrying anything of value, I mean, unless it's stuffed between his butt cheeks, but with a butt like that, you're talking 30, 40 dollars tops. In Terminator 2, the Terminator walks into a biker bar fully nude again and demands a man give him his clothes and motorcycle, but the guy responds by putting his cigar out on the Terminator's rippling bear chest. And I get, I guess, that the social situation demanded some kind of manly display, but it was done with such pure confidence, like what life do all these dudes lead that makes them think they could win against a guy that's huge and that...naked? The same sort of thing also happens to Hugh Jackman's thick ropey a** and X-Men, except the guy who jumps him is actually pretty sure Jackman is an invulnerable mutant. No man takes a beating like that without a mark to show for it. Ah, what the hell, let's stab him anyway. Oh, but stabbing is kind of Wolverine's thing, so... Look out! It sort of makes you wonder what they're even trying to say in these scenes. Like, if you're trying to show how tough and scary the Wolverine is, having him gut a recently divorced father of two doesn't convince me. I mean, why not have him strip naked and wrestle the mountain from Game of Thrones and, hell, make the mountain naked too and make it a naked bard? Make the audience naked and we'll name it Triple X-Men The Last Dance.
You can't do that. Wrong.
Back in the 1300s, when everybody was either a fabulously wealthy king or a hilariously impoverished peasant with no middle ground, it would have been super easy for a vampire to hide their immortality. But with each passing year, the likelihood that we have shiny immortal beings walking amongst us decreases. And it's not just because advanced technology makes it way easier to mass produce silver bullets and sacred...garlic, but also because it takes so much paperwork to be a human. Everybody's massively on the grid, especially, let's say, a pale, wealthy, malnourished, teenage sex vampire.
Pick Edward Cullen. I want to find the bad guy. According to my sister who saw this movie because I definitely didn't watch it by myself when my girlfriend broke up with Pete, I just needed to believe in love again, Cullen has been dabbling in statutory rape for almost a full century.
Since 1918, still got that pepper spray. To that end, Cullen continually enrolls in local high schools and keeps his pleasure mansion sufficiently stocked with hair gel and body glitter. But like how long is he planning to attend that high school? I mean, assuming nobody notices he's been there for seven years, does Cullen just really love AP bio? Can you not think of anything better to do with his time than hang out with people nine years his junior and watch him learn about flatworms over and over and over? Over.
Let's say he knows an actual doctor willing to counterfeit a hundred birth certificates for a super good price. How's he even going to hide all that wealth? The books say Edward resets his life by pretending to be his own heir and then bequeathing his fortune to himself, but realistically it would take so much work he might as well just eat every estate lawyer in the world, buy a wig, pretend he found a bag of money in the woods every, you know, ten years.
And like, how do werewolves and vampires manage to run around murdering people and performing feats of superhuman strength and banging high schoolers without being noticed? I can barely pull off just two of those things without everybody asking me stuff. Bella finds out right away, and she's not exactly Shill Out Homes, is she? The government might not believe in vampires, per se, but the convoluted paper trail and explain money, constant movement, and proximity to weird crimes still suggest they're what? Fugitives, spies, terrorists, something way worse? Somebody's going to rat their asses out eventually, and like my grandma always said, you can only suck so many people's dry before somebody discovers a secret identity, Jeffrey. She didn't really know her names at the end, but she was still very wise.
So I guess that's it. Uh, yep. Discussed, gigantic, tainted, detailed, hinted at what I want for Christmas, made an homage to Graham Graham. I think that's it. Uh, join me next appointment when we diagnose my emotions. No, I'm not doing that. I'll do velociraptors. Why are they so mean? So yeah, whatever. Be sure to check with Kathy at the front desk on the way out to pick up some drugs for your herpes. Okay. Sounds like somebody's getting out there. Bye.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. Uh, hopefully we're going to make a few more of these, so you should subscribe and, you know, ding the bell. Smash that subscribe, ding that bell. Those are YouTube things. So do that. |
TheOnion | Universe_Crueler_More_Uncaring_Place_Than_Previously_Thought | According to new evidence gathered by the Harvard Institute for Advanced Studies, the universe, long known to be a heartless and unforgiving place, is actually crueler and more meaningless than previously believed. Lead researcher Dr. Susan Denami explained the study's findings. Essentially, our comprehensive study showed that not only is the universe the cold, harsh place scientists have long believed it to be, but it is actually capable of being far more soul-crushing than any past evidence has shown. Basically, we have long been underestimating the sheer enormity of the universe's cruelty. Citing evidence gathered through cosmic radiation, along with observation of such phenomena as natural disasters, diseases, famine, and man's continued inhumanity to man, researchers claim the sheer brutality and lack of mercy ever present throughout the cosmos has caused them to radically rethink their understanding of the universe. Our calculations suggest that not only is misery and the general indifference to human suffering far more vast than we ever thought, but such mitigating factors as love and care play an essentially insignificant role in the general order of the universe. We can also conclude that the universe is continually growing exponentially harsher and crueler every day. We can only imagine how inhumane the universe will be in a few years. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | issues_snl | Everybody's got issues, we don't need to have issues. We've got issues, issues, where it's gonna get it. Hello, welcome to issues. I'm your host, Clarence Dernigan. this is a show where we help you with your issues. you know, I was two credits away from having my degree in Social Work from Arizona University, so I guess you could say, this is my passion. Well, why don't we get started and bring out my first guest, Please welcome Sarah Stokes. thank you for having me, Clarence.
I really need your advice on an issue that is like tearing me up inside. Yeah, I can see that. Well, the first thing I want to ask you is, have you ever tried clear seals? Um, maybe when I was a teenager. Okay, how about Oxy-10? No. well, have you thought about using proactive? you know, Puff Daddy uses that. Why are we, why are we talking about this? my issue is with my sister. really? Yes, really.
I do so much for my sister and she does nothing for me in return. she won't even let me borrow a sweater. Well, I wasn't either. I wouldn't want you pulling my sweater over all that mess up there. excuse me?
I mean, if I were you, I think my issue would be my purples. Okay, you know what? I'm, I'm okay with my skin. Well, you shouldn't be, okay? you need to think about someone other than yourself for a change. Okay, you are rude. And by the way, you have buck teeth. So, you know what? why don't you take your purples home and away from my show? Bye. What can we glean from this? when you're looking in the mirror, you're not just looking at yourself. you are seeing what everyone else has to look at all day, Okay?
All right, let's move on to my next guest. Please welcome Tyler French! Uh, thank you for having me on your show, Clarence.
I'm at the end of my rope and I really need some support right now. uh, yeah, I can see that. Have you ever tried wearing a man bra? a What? a what? Well, you could gain a bunch of weight so that it all evens itself out. What are you talking about? you ever thought about a poncho? I'm here to talk about my fear of water. Really? I see. you don't like taking your shirt off in public. No, I like my physique. You do? Yeah, I'm just too scared to go in the water, you know, undertow sharks.
Well, what are you scared of? you got two built-in flotation devices. what are you talking about? your man boobs. What man boobs? And those big old hubby dubbies.
Last question, can I squeeze one of those? Listen, Bucky, Bucky, Buck Tooth. you know you have buck teeth, right? So?
Yeah, so I don't have to take this, so I'm leaving. I'm so blessed that Sarah and Connor allowed me to help them with their issues. Well, that's all the time that we have. I will see you next week on issues, provided I can get a ride here. I'm Clarence Dernigan. This has been issues. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_donald_trump_jr_mocks_paul_pelosi_kanye_west_s_instagram_suspension_snl | President Biden, seen here begging for one more year before the midterms, warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results, warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos? I thought we'd been living in chaos for at least six years. I mean, Nancy Pelosi's husband was attacked in their home by a guy with a hammer, and instead of even basic sympathy, Republicans were like, we heard he gay. Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Pelosi's husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with a message, got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready. And I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert on getting hammered in your underwear. Also, Don Jr. is that your underwear, man? Why isn't it so dirty and stretched out? Like you were trying to burn Paul Pelosi, but now I'm just wondering if you wear your dad's old underwear.
After meeting with the Anti-defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on, he will pretend to not be anti-semitic. Brooklynette star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti-semitic film Hebrew to Negroes, Wake Up Black America. You know, Hebrew to Negroes was also the name of my favorite R&b group in the 90s. just days before the midterm elections, Oprah Winfrey endorsed John Fetterman instead of the monster she unleashed upon us. Isn't it crazy that Oprah gave Dr. Oz his career and even she's turned against him? It's like if Robin ran for Mayor of Gotham and Batman was like, I fully endorse Penguin. Hersha Walker responded to Barack Obama criticizing his qualifications to be in the Senate by saying, put my resume against his resume. Fine, so here's Obama's resume and here's Hersha Walker's. it's better than I thought. it's better. a couple of typos. the latest jobs report shows that last month, the U.s. economy added over 200,000 jobs. we'll see about that, said Elon Musk. this is interesting. since Elon Musk took over Twitter, use of the N-word on the site has reportedly jumped 500 percent. it's the biggest increase in the use of the N-word since the last time I stubbed my toe. Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. seems like he's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I've heard is the definition of something. See, I'm noticing a trend with Kanye. his business deals went bad and he just started calling it a Jewish conspiracy. sort of like when his albums got bad and he just started calling it gospel.
Tomorrow is the New York City Marathon, or, as Fox News will report it, undocumented Africans run wild in streets of New York. China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station. now all they have to do is launch some children to assemble it. New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary. Cnn has announced that due to budget cuts, they are scaling back on original series and documentaries. Yeah, apparently there was a flaw with the business model of giving Stanley Tucci millions of dollars to eat gelato. a zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms.
So you want to try laughing at me again, monkeys? What happened to you, man? tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean, and all because the little mermaid is black. it's not real. a linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful-sounding baby names, with the top spots once again going to Matthew and Sophia. while the worst-sounding names are moist and slurp. Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. the hand grenades were discovered when one beachgoer said, mommy, look at this shell I found. Nasa has released an image of the sun in which it appears to be smiling. So if the sun can smile, would it kill you ladies to try it? An Arizona woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five-month-old child was sitting home alone, like a loser. |
dropout | bound_by_my_stepbrother | Hello everyone and welcome to Erotic Book Club, one of College Humor's new vodcast series. I am your host Jessica Ross and my co-host Rekha Shankar. Thank you so much for being here. The Erotic Book Club is exactly what it sounds like. It's a book club where we read erotic novels. Today we have some wonderful guests in our book club.
We have Miss Kat Pilardi. Hey. And Grant O'Brien. Hello.
Very sexy. So sexy. Jesus. I'm sure you're wondering why we're all so sexy and horny.
It's because this week we read the Bound by Secrecy series by Kenzie Haven. It is a free book on Amazon. Anyone could get it. Well the first one's free. It's one of three parts. The first book is Bound by my Step-brother, the second taught by my Step-brother, and the third teased by my Step-brother.
That's not the only reason I'm horny. Why else are you horny?
I don't know. What happened today? I don't need like a reason.
Is it all the little crabs on your shirt? Yeah I've got, hey listen if you if you are a subscriber you're gonna see a real killer sexy shirt that I that I have. A bunch of crabs all over it. I think crabs are sexy and we can explore that real deep if we want to.
Honestly this chair is sort of like enveloping me right now and there's I like it's sort of giving me a big hug. I think that I think the chair is making me horny. For those of you just listening our chairs are very soft.
Sort of four pronged little scoops. They shaped like scoops.
Basically if you were to relax you would completely fall asleep. Yes yeah I think they're somewhat vaginal. Yeah there's a certain yeah. Yes this would be in a room in one of our characters mansion.
Yes let's introduce our characters in the first book bound by my stepbrother. The series is about a woman named Ronnie. She's 24. She owns five antique shops. Not much else is said about her and she is going on a family reunion. Her mother and stepfather are bringing the whole family to Cancun and there is her stepbrother who she is both she's bound taught and teased by as we learn named Chris.
When I was reading it I think I mentioned this earlier but I couldn't get I'm watching a lot of Shark Tank lately so in my mind it was a young Mark Cuban. I didn't enjoy it but it was just what was in my mind. They don't give you many details about these characters in this book. In the way that books try to make you feel like you could be the main character but too much they left too much to the imagination.
I know nothing about either of them. I don't I know what their bodies look like kind of. The only thing I know about Ronnie's body is that she has curves in all the right places. I don't know what color Ronnie's hair is.
Yeah I'll admit it I'm Kat here I did not read this book. Oh okay yeah. As in every book club there is someone who didn't read the book.
Today it is Kat. Yeah so Kat for reference Ronnie mentions at one point the way she gets into what her body looks like now and saying she has curves in all the right places is prefacing it by saying that she used to be an awkward teen that was just developing and masturbating to her stepbrother and that was embarrassing but now puberty hit she's older all the curves have transferred themselves to the right places. Yes and while we're talking about masturbating to her stepbrother at one point she was caught by him in the shower. Yes. We learned this early on in the book. Yes and then he kept this like he kept teasing her for it for years. I've seen your body before.
That's so crazy. They're very creepy together. Really gross.
I am curious before we even get into the book how do people feel about the the stepbrother step sister hot or not do people were people excited when they heard that this is the assignment? I find that making I had a suspicions is the part is the idea that they are related by stephood is that going to be a conflict that is necessary to the book and the answer is no. They didn't have to be stepbrother and step sister. Absolutely did not. I if it was like I'm not saying that it should be a family affair but if it was purely the only conflict in the book because there's a whole BDSM yeah plot line that could have just been the thing. That's the book. Well I think for me the book felt like someone read Fifty Shades of Grey and went why weren't they related? Yes. That was what was missing. Or exactly from the Fifty Shades of Grey.
I don't know how familiar you guys are with the franchise. I took a road trip to Chicago once.
This is what kind of got me into erotic books and someone we listened to it on audiobook with a bunch of girlfriends and in the beginning I was like I hate this this is so dumb and by the end of it like six hours in everyone else was done with the book and I was like we need to keep listening. I need to know what happens in these email exchanges. There's a concept in I don't know psychology that I'm going to half remember from some article but about kids that grow up together there's some block that you have about being attracted to each other. It's the reason people don't like grow up and find themselves attracted to their sister or something there's some like psychological concept they seem to have missed that they seem to just have not have not gotten that because if they were living together when they were 16 they you know they were young they were young kids when they when they met so even that even though their step-brother and step-sister they were they grew up together like it's a mess. They do mention often in the book how they are related by blood and DNA that are not related by blood not related by DNA they make that very clear but they also continuously calls her sis. Yeah even after yeah like they've been together multiple times it's like sis it's time to go and then it's like you two are nasty. Yeah exactly it's so unnecessary and they even refer to their mom and dad yeah and stuff like that I'm like oh but see how nervous that makes you even hearing sister because it's naughty in a way that drives me like a desert.
Well we're different then aren't we? I don't want to shame anybody if anyone thinks I mean clearly there's a whole genre of this and there are hot step-brothers and step-sisters. I am the target audience I'll tell you that right now. We'll get into it and we'll see if we if you'll like it. Yes yes because cruel intentions their step-brother and step-sister. The familiar shit. I think they're very hot.
It's never done it for like even like you know the whole daddy thing I don't get like don't bring my dad into this shit. I really don't. I don't want it. Brady Bunch movie and they yes oh god. He didn't like it. I just I don't need it.
There can be other conflicts. It's fine. Like okay this book the first book of the trilogy starts they're in Cancun and they're on this family reunion and they peel off Chris and Ronnie peel off into the woods to go to a waterfall and when they're at the waterfall there's a lot of sexual tension and he takes off.
And at this point they've never had sex. They've never had sex.
They did have a bit of a fling in the pool so they all get to Cancun. The whole family's there and she goes to the pool and he's swimming in the pool. Yeah and he kind of teases her to come in and they are very sexual with each other right away in front of their whole family. I was imagining that whole time that what the family was sitting tight and it's like hey what's going on with Ronnie and Chris?
They're just rough housing. Yeah well they're they're 30 and 24 respectively. I don't know if rough housing is really what they ought to be doing.
What is my billionaire son doing right now in the pool? He seems to have pinned his step-sister against the side of the pool so that her body is out of control and he is he is yes he literally I have a clip excerpt from it Chris moved to pin me against the side of the pool my feet couldn't touch the bottom and I couldn't kick to stay afloat if he wasn't pressing me against me I would sing to the floor and then Chris says actually I'd prefer if I remove the bikini from you so there's no ambiguity it's not like oh flirty flirty splashy splashy I mean they are pinned up I want you naked. What Chris just said are the whole families are watching. You can get away with more in a pool though you can get away with more in a pool. If that was in a living room it would be much weirder. Yes granted if he pinned her against a wall in a living room and said I can take your bikini upward.
You can kind of get you know under the splashes you can say things. Little secrets. The water carries your secrets. I'll say this when I was you know a closeted little little guy and like like you know a freshman in high school going to the pool was great because you can you can there are things about the pool that it's like boy what can we get away with in here. I did have my first kiss with a girl when I was in a pool. And she was like oh if we don't like tell anybody and then we did like a little smooch and I was like wowie wowie wow. So you're right. I think pools are a very sexy place. But in front of my entire family we're sitting around the edges of it at our family reunion which they said were at least like 40 of them there.
That's not as hot. No. That's not hot at all.
Do any of you have stepbrothers or sisters? Thank God I don't. I just have a regular brother so this was totally unrelatable to me. I don't have any brothers of any kind thank God.
Otherwise this would have been really dangerous for you. So that's the lead up to now. The whole family goes out on a hike.
They're all wearing matching shirts which I thought was cute. I wanted to be a part of a family like that. The other marshals seem fine. You want to be a part of it. The other marshals are really cute. They were like the marshals rule. Yeah they were t-shirts.
I was going to hike in Cancunas like damn this is the fantasy. I want like a nice perfect family. Yeah not one where like my pop-up screaming out his window at somebody crossing the street in South Philly. Okay so here's what I had. You have to do your dad now.
No no. Here's the issue I had with the waterfall scene. I had to go back and reread it to make sure they hadn't left the waterfall because they were having sex in the water and I could not believe they're having sex in the water because you all your natural lubrication all of that is gone and they kept talking about how fucking turned on they were. And also she's gonna get a yeast infection bacteria. Yeah here's an excerpt from the waterfall sex scene with his free hand.
He rubbed my back. I spread my legs in the water desperate to get things underway. My pussy burned despite the coolness of the ways lapping against me even if I wasn't half submerged. I knew I would be dripping wet.
There was no way I'd need lube if Chris was the one I was playing with and I think that's false. I think especially false in the water because you're you're absolutely right. You're everything natural gets washed away and water is a crappy lube. Yeah water doesn't work as a lube. Yeah it's terrible.
Well we haven't met Chris. Chris might have like a water soluble dick. A naturally slimy cop that can go in and out. Yeah he's got like a you know a billion dollar thing around his waist or like at a dentist's office when they squirt in the water in your mouth and they dry it immediately with the other thing.
Just now just to catch people up. So they they're on a family hike and they split off and find this waterfall. Yeah. And Chris says let's skinny dip of course. Yes.
And they do that and right away like and we're we're five pages into the book. There is no backstory. The book though is 30 pages. The book is the book is an essay. It's a New Yorker.
I read all three of these books in one hour. This is there's no time at all.
This is where we introduced the BDSM thing. The waterfall because he ties her with the vines. Yes. He's really into BDSM and is very like cautious of like I don't think you can handle me.
You aren't ready for me. Yeah he has her skinny dip with them. Then he is like you don't. Yeah you don't want to be with me.
I'm kind of like a rebel boy. I'm a rebel tech.
It only makes her one and more. And then the fine part I did find interesting. I was like oh well I didn't expect that.
Can I talk for a minute about the crappy BDSM in all three of these books. Does everyone know what BDSM stands for? It's the thing I always heard but I looked it up. Bondage, domination, sadism, masochism. Um actually it's burgers. Donuts. Bondage, discipline, dominance and submission. Oh wait where's the M then? That isn't correct. Bondage, domination, sadism, masochism.
What did yours say? That's not even the right initial. What did you think it was?
Bondage, discipline, dominance and submission. Okay. It's some letters are right. BDS sounds like a degree. You can like DS relationships is another term for a certain kind of BDSM. Yes. Everyone can get a BDS. Yeah it's not that cool. But your MD PhD kind of equivalent if you have a BDSM. It's that masochism. There is for this whole series and we'll get into every book but just as I'll register a complaint now, we gas BDSM the whole time. Yeah especially the third one which we'll of course get to but.
His thing is I'm bad news. I might hurt you. You should be afraid of me. And then he ties our hands behind our back.
Yeah our takes out an ice cube from his mini fridge. I had an experience with ice cubes once. This guy who was a bartender kept teasing me of like wait to see what I do with an ice cube. Ice cube to the point where I was like okay let's go on a date. And within like a minute getting back to my place he's like do you have any ice cubes?
I was like here we go. This is his thing. And he like prepped on the night before and he's like well shaped. I was like oh this is why you're here. Let's do it. And honestly.
I have a gel ice pack that's all I can't help. It was hot for about a second and then it was just so much water. Yes. Yeah. All in my bed all over me. It was just wet. And then you have the loo problem where it's just like it's a straight up water.
I have had I have played with ice cubes before also and you know somebody will put like ice cubes on my nipples and they're like oh that's cold. But then I go numb and I'm like well I can't feel what you do next. Now I'm fucking numb.
He has super nipples. She really does. At one point she calls them nubs. That they get so hard that they're nubs. She calls them nubs so much.
She also refers to her vulva as her sex. She keeps calling it like he put her he put his hand on my sex. His balls lapped against my sex. She talks about balls so much.
Now I feel like we're losing the thread of the plot and it's important that I feel like it's important that we make sure Kat knows. Yes you should know. I got distracted by those balls because I am a fan of well. The ball's slapping? Yeah. Okay. Then you would love Chris. His balls slap perfectly against your vulva.
She loves balls and her pussy is always like bull gorging. Her sex you mean? Her sex. Her sex is always in gorge. Her sex is like a pager.
It's just like I think balls are fine but I want to I want to harp on him quite as long as this. Okay. I don't know about that. I think I'm fine with balls. Balls are work. Balls work fine. No. Balls vote.
Pro. Pro or anti-ball.
I don't think men are born with balls whether we vote on it or not. No and it's true and they're not going to change that anytime soon. We don't know but we haven't voted yet.
This is what happens in every election Kat. You think your vote doesn't matter but it really does. Look at the recounts in Florida. We've really got every vote.
I just don't think they're so great. We should get more men neutered. Nah they're pretty great. I think they're just strange.
No you know what's nice. I mean how deep down this rabbit hole we get. You know what's nice about them is that oh great. You can they're so reactive. You can really keep. It's like you know keeping track of what's going on.
It's like oh no. He's about to nut. He's got his balls are all are all tight.
Oh is that what happens. I should pay more attention. Well they get smaller when you're about to. No they pull in towards your body. Right. They pull in towards your body. Yeah. You scrotum gets harder. They pull in towards your body. Yeah. Like a spaceship. Like I mean I don't. What part. OK. No you know like I'm imagining like you know like the when you deep plane a spaceship you know. Every time. Yeah they get they get tighter. Interesting.
I'll take your word for it. OK. I guess I'm not. It's been a while. I recommend it. It's great fun to watch. I get. I'm so sorry. I feel like we're losing the thread. OK. Back on the thread.
So they make. Oh they're caught kind of. They hear voices in the distance. So he's like let's keep it down. But then they still go at it. And then they come and whenever she orgasms she gives you like five different metaphors for what it was which I thought was pretty crazy. At one point she said where is it at.
Oh dear. No. She.
The way that she describes orgasms like it's crazy. I will say though I feel like that's a staple of erotic literature. Yeah. Because. You know there's going to be a lot of coming in the books. There's only there's only so many times you can say I came before you want. You know. I came I came I came. You also too. Like if someone's masturbating along. Yeah.
It's like oh oh damn they're finished. I wasn't I wasn't quite there. It's like how if you're watching a porn it's like shit. Now I've got to find a whole new clip because they didn't. They didn't. They got there too quick. They call out each other's names a lot when they climax too which I don't think I do.
I don't.
That's. Oh man. I don't know. I should do that more. Yeah. It's a good idea. It's not up for. For sounding. You know I don't know isn't that like the sitcom you yell at the wrong name. Well just don't do that. That is one of my. Know who you're having sex with. No. That's fair. I just think it would take a lot of thought. Yeah.
Like oh baby baby and like oh yeah it's all. But like to go. Yeah you like. Like I think that would be.
So that's your girlfriend. Oh that's your fiance's name. Suddenly the secret's out. Baby baby.
Getting back to the waterfall though. One more complaint about the BDSM which. He he was fucking there and said I'm going to tie you up here and here and behind this waterfall. And so he grabs a random vine from the side. Yes.
Which is dangerous because you know he doesn't know much about plants. And it's also very dangerous. It's also very dangerous to tie somebody up in the water.
Yes. Like you can't drown.
He doesn't know this body of water. He doesn't know this fine. He doesn't know her limits.
They've never had sex. She didn't have a say for it until book two. Yeah. And he's tied her hands behind her back.
It's irresponsible. It's terrible. Irresponsible.
Skydiving is dangerous too but it's the hottest thing baby. I mean you got to have a little danger to have a little heat.
I agree with that. But.
You signed a form. I think you signed a form to skydive. And when you're when you're skydiving you've looked at the parachute. You can sign a form but honey if that thing doesn't go off you're dying.
It's flat pancakes for breakfast. Sizzle pop. All right. So.
That is literally how the book ends. These two make up. The fall to their deaths. At the end of their climax it is revealed that Chris has a secret sex room in his mansion. So this is when we truly get into Fifty Shades territory. And the book just becomes a 50.
He keeps calling his house his mansion. You can tell this writer's never met anyone with money. You can tell he's not. That's how you know he doesn't have a mansion.
We just caught a house. Sorry. So the family reunion is over. Nobody knows. And now we're on to book two taught by my step brother.
It starts in his private jet. His private jet picks her up and brings her to the mansion.
She has five antique stores but she's got some time. What do they have for snacks? On the jet champagne. She does have champagne. And she thinks she could get used to this.
Yeah. She says I don't know if I could ever fly coach again. Yeah. Bitch you're gonna have to.
He makes her a meal. And that's when she can tell that the relationship is taking a next step because he used to only make her toast sandwiches. So he put nothing. I hate how low the bar is for men and cooking in these truly. But this time he made her a meal. He made her an exquisite dinner.
No, I didn't.
She said she's like I was so full. She was so full. And then they went to go.
I hated that. You know how you love to dig into a nice big eggplant parm and then go and then go get fucked in an S&M room. Yeah. When you're tied to spend it in a bed after you just eaten the fucking bolognese. Oh, I hate it. I hated that. That might have been my least favorite part of the book is that they ate a giant meal.
That's part of the torture. That's part of the BDSM. Yeah. That would be good BDSM. That's actually really, that's hot BDSM.
You know, some feeder comes in. We're gonna eat ourselves silly with breads and meats. Stuff you so full. Yeah. Turkey dinner.
Then you get to like Roman shower territory. What's that? Vomiting. What? Vomiting. Roman shower? That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it's when you vomit on someone. You give a Roman shower like a vomitorium.
Glass, I just learned the term glass bottom boating today. And it's when you have a glass table and your partner poops on the table and you're underneath masturbating. That is, that's also some training wheel shit. Get that table out of there.
If you're gonna do it, do it. Whoa. Like that's not my thing. I'm not into it. But if you're gonna do it, do it.
Also, how do you not fall through the table? It's real risky. It's strong. Can you imagine if the glass tables broke on you and poop?
And your mom will come home because it is still a step brother and step sister. Back to book two. So the meal is done. They're very full. It's time to go down to the couple rooms, which is different than 50 shades.
I believe he only has one. This billionaire does have multiple. Yeah, he has a whole sex suite.
Yes. So that's what makes it, I do find that hot to have space. Yeah, that's hot. That's hot. A sex room is hot. I like that idea.
In general, it's a little bit, you know, some space to decorate. It's just some space. When they get into the room, it's like, real isn't this the one where at first she's bent over the drawer, like the dresser or something?
Yes. Okay, because I have a quote from that that I misread at first. Please read. As he bent over for the next drawer, my eyes popped out of my head and I drooled over his ass. I didn't understand. I thought she drooled on his ass. I imagine that part is like a wily coyote thing. If you couldn't see that, she did the symbol of her tongue. The tongue really fell, steam coming out of my ears, and my eyeballs popped real big. I noted that scene too.
So to catch you up, and you Kat and you the viewer, or listener if you're a cheapskate, he's taken her into this sex room that he has a keypad lock on. So it's one, two, three, four. Whips on the walls, four poster bed in the middle of the room. Picture a sex room and you got it. Not the most creative sex room in the world.
He also has a Ramsay Bolton X thing to tie her up. Yeah, he puts her on a St. Andrew's cross. And she's spread out and she's tied up on the St. Andrew's cross. Yeah, she's on an X basically.
And then he goes to find what turns out to be nipple clamps, although she doesn't know it at the time, but they made special point to note that he had to rummage through a couple of drawers. Which is so funny to me. Where the hell did I put those nipple clamps? No, these are the extra lodge, these are the lodge. When she's tied up, she does describe herself as a starfish, a sexy starfish. Oh my God.
Which, and I didn't like that because anybody with a solid sex toy collection knows where their shit is. Like I don't, I'm a messy dude, there's stuff all over my apartment. I know where every fucking sex toy, like I can get it with one hand if I need it. Yeah, that's a bit, okay. I don't think that is true, if you have a sex toy, I know where it's at. Yeah, it's important, I know where it's at, I wanna get it out.
And he said that he hasn't had, he's had one lover. Yeah, he's had one.
Let's be clear. With this guy just bought all this stuff on Amazon, he's never used it before. He like, we'll just put it together like yesterday.
He's an amateur and he seems like it. He seems like an amateur, but not in a hot way. When you become, when you're trying to say you're a writer, you're saying it a little too much.
It's like him, he's like, I'm a Dom. I'm a Dom.
Do you think he's air-being this mansion? Do you think he's air-being being this mansion? I have a sex room in my mansion, I don't know.
It says mine. He's pathetic.
So he gives her a carnal massage, eyes popping in her head. Wait, wait, wait, what's a carnal massage? It's like a massage, but rough.
I think he fingers it. And sounds unpleasant. It says that, one point she describes it as, sawed his cock in and out of me. I find some of the ways that she describes things to be unpleasant. Unpleasant. Sawed. Yeah.
Ew.
Would you want that? All saw does come down your pussy. And thank you. And one way that she expresses horniness that I don't find to be an appealing metaphor is my cunt needed to be filled. Yeah. It's just, and it would only accept him. That's what she says. Her words. It's the use of the word cunt that bothers you. I guess so. That doesn't sound sexy to me. My cunt need to be filled. Even if you said my pussy, that sounds a little better. Yeah. Like, cunt, you really gotta, you really have to have some juice behind it if you're gonna use it in a sexy way. You've gotta be better at it than she is. She's using it as a control F, find vagina, replace with cunt. 100%. Yeah. Like, it's a degrading term. And there's room in sex for that kind of play, but do it if you're gonna do it. Yes. She uses it very casually. It feels like it would be better coming from him, like, you little cunt. Yeah. Like, be a dom. Yeah.
That's the only thing, is he was never really, he never really did anything all that dommy for a guy with two sex rooms in his house. Here in book two, he tied her to a St. Andrews cross, put nipple clamps on her, which is what he found in that drawer, and then they had sex. What would you do? I mean, you guys, you strike me as a dom.
Thank you.
What about me and Rekha? It's easy to do, too. I don't know you well enough, Rekha, but Jess is definitely a dom. I'm flex. Cause yeah, you could just do that on a four-post bed.
I think he's wasted a lot of money. I think he has money and he's wasting money.
Yes, yes. Is my overall thought about it. It's like buying, yeah. So they have sex in there, and then it's revealed that he also, within the many sex rooms that he has, his most prized one is the soundproof room.
Which he's not allowed to see yet. Because it's not done, cause he's never used it. He's never used it. It's under construction. I would be so embarrassed if he saw it.
He bought that soundproofing, and it's just on the floor. Yeah, they have the soundproof room. To me, the soundproof room was kind of scary. I would be like, why do you have him? Because he lives alone. In a mansion. So creepy. So why do you need, cause when the soundproof room does happen, spoiler. Which is, we're getting into book three now, so that's when we get into the soundproof room.
He says, we are now in teens. And now in teens, no one can hear you. And I'm like, who could hear you before?
Nobody lives in this house.
I guess he's like, help. He does have the staff, which in book three, he's like, and they're, oh, she says they're not even onto us. I'm like, he calls you sister, and who the fuck do you think cleans the sex rooms? They know, they know. They should have involved the staff in this.
That could have been fun. That's hot. I thought that too. That's such a hot idea.
We needed more people. When she said her pussy would only accept him, it's like, are there other people trying here?
Yes, there's no stakes. Yes, you have to accept him. He's the only person there. He's the only option.
Yeah, that's not hot. Hottest kid at summer camp kind of syndrome. I mean, I guess there's- Hottest kid at home. They was the stepbrother. Yeah. I mean, they know each other, so she probably doesn't think she's gonna be murdered.
But if a billionaire took me to his mansion on a private jet and said, it's time to go on my soundproof room, I'd be like, I'm dead. This is the end of me. Can we talk about the soundproof room now?
Yes, we may. We are in- Do we want to talk about the airplane first? Oh, yeah, right, right, right. The first scene on the- Oh, the first scene of book three. Yes, we are back on the jet with my boyfriend, my lover, my Dom, my stepbrother, Chris, her description. Yes.
And she's flying there. She thinks it's the same as the last time, only this time, Chris is on the plane. Boom, Chris on a plane. He comes out of a room she never noticed, which is a sex room on the plane.
Well, it's a bedroom. Yeah, he has a bedroom on his private jet. Which I thought was a bummer. Why do we, then we should be in a bedroom, like do it in the seat.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That's, you're taking the like, it'd be like, I have a mansion on the jet. Why? We're on a jet, just you could have started this book in the house. You should be flying the plane and fingering me is what I think. You should co-pilot. We should be crashing about the crash. But I'd say, hey baby, just one last thrust, please, I'm so close. Do one of those zero G things, where you like, you go up the high end, and then fuck in that, that'd be hot, that'd be hot as hell. That is how you use a private jet.
And then you get to do the Roman shower. Yeah, oh, it's just everywhere. Nobody gets to do that to me.
There's a porno where they do that. I got chills. Well, then you love this porno. There's a porno where that happens. Wow. One of my favorite parts of the book was, or pretty much one of my only favorite parts of the book was the scene where they were both hooked in and they were kind of like, squirming around wanting to fuck each other, which is why it was so bummed that then they went to the private jet's bedroom.
Because I was like, let's do this right here. Let's do this work.
Because he asked her not to wear underwear. So some of the Dom things, quote unquote, that he's doing are kind of just like, rules for like, he's like, please don't wear panties, wear a short skirt. Like, only come when I tell you two kind of things. So, like basic, that's so. Yeah, and the knees waiting for me. Yes, get to Dom's. She always has to take off his underwear and she's very careful not to touch his boner. Oh my god, baby. She makes it, she's like, I had to delicately move the elastic. Less can break.
I can't touch his boner. It would be so funny to me. It's like, I took his underwear off. I didn't touch his boner. Because honestly, I think it's kind of gross.
I have this weird memory of being on a plane. I've never really hooked up on a plane, but I just have a weird memory of giving this kid a massage. Not kid. No, we were like, I'm about to say, he was probably a couple years younger than me. It was like, at least 21. But like, I just remember like giving, we just gave each other back massages. It was a total stranger on an airplane.
That's so hot. It was kind of hot. There was definitely a lot of sexual tension, but nothing ever happened.
First class? Oh, coach honey, all of a sudden. Near the toilet. I did a fingering on a bus one. What?
Or not on the train from New York back to Philly. Yeah. With Amtrak? Amtrak, Jersey Transit.
I did a fingering on the quiet car. I did a fingering.
Were you in the quiet car so you had to be really quiet? That's hot. I don't remember. I mean, we had to be quiet. There were other people. Most people sleeping. We have to be quiet because it's the quiet car, not because we're fingering each other.
Oh my goodness. If you're in the not quiet car, you could just be like, oh yeah. Oh fuck. Oh, we're almost in Newark. Hurry up. Oh my God, Elizabeth.
We were on a mansion train. Yeah, you go on the train. There's a mansion at the back. You go to the quiet room of the mansion train and I know I can hear you.
So they do it in the bedroom and it's pretty regular sex. Yes. Just in the air. Yet she likes it. She likes the Mile High Club. Yes. Okay.
And now we get back to the mansion. All the staffs there waving hello. We call her sis, we're just like Annie. I'd love to see them come to us waving.
We've never had a little girl.
It's kind of how I imagine it in my head. And then she's just like, I want the soundproof room. And he's like, all right, I'm going to give it to you. If you're ready for the soundproof room. You can always leave because I'm bad news. Truly, yes.
He is such a jerk off. He's just not sexy at all. I want to speak to this.
I think, so what I've heard has been you go to Silicon Valley now as a woman, it's actually like there's way more men than women and all these men have so much money, but no love. And I think he's one of those guys where it's like, this is a good thing to know as a woman. If you go to Silicon Valley right now, I think there's a lot of guys with a lot of money who need to spend it but don't have a lot of experience.
Because there's no one to date. And that's why you might have to start tipping into your family pool if you're at that point. Rich people are so fucked. I don't date rich people. They're fucked up. They have no interpersonal skills. They have money and that is truly it.
Don't date them. Don't fuck them. And don't fuck them.
Eat the rich. This country's so fucked. So he takes her down.
He does another padlock on the soundproof room. It's got its own padlock. No one can get in there.
And she opens it up and there's like candles and an armoire and a bed. And in the armoire is a mini fridge. Which sounds like a dorm. Yeah, it's basically like kind of a sexy dorm.
He's got these string lights on the walls. And he taped a poster of red hot chili peppers to the wall.
The sexiest, spiciest. And no one from the staff can come in. Because the staff is so eager to go in there and see them fucking. Okay, we've got to soundproof this room because the maids can't wait to hear me come. It should be clear.
This room smells like shit. Nobody's ever cleaning.
So he lights the candle. She's in the bed. He gives her leather cuffs on the bed.
And then this is when the ice cube scene comes. He takes out an ice cube, rubs it all over her. Good thing it was soundproof to hear that crazy sex of, here's an ice cube. It's soundproof so people can't hear how disappointed he is. She goes, really? And he's like, we keep cool. He does put that ice cube inside her, which I think does maybe solve some of the moisture issues that we were talking about earlier.
I think it makes some words. I think it's more. It's like how if you keep washing your face, it's not like your face can be moist. It's gonna dry out. But I mean that the ice cube gets wet all over. It's kinda like. Plus it's numbness. He's numbing, don't numb everything.
Well he fucks her hard so I think she needs it. Cause all I've heard is how he's just pounding her. I imagine it's like that bad sex where someone's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, like the whole time and you're like, oh God. He really is just a college dude.
Does ice help numbing with the pussy for extended sex? I mean, I don't know. I don't have a vagina. But when I've played with ice with myself, I haven't enjoyed it. Cause then I want the sensations. My nipples are also very sensitive. So I don't like any kind of extra thing.
Biting and shit, she's talking like, ah, yeah. Bitch, ah. These are like beef jerky. Yeah. She's really awesome. She's got real like sort of binky kind of nipples.
This is the first blow job. Of the whole book. I told you to book three to get to the blow job and eating out. Which I good on that. Oh, eating out too. And okay, I don't know. I guess it was just so like formal in an event. Yeah. Like parting the curtain and now the blow job part.
I continued to massage his balls while I gripped the base of his shaft. I held on tightly making sure to give the best head I could. It was satisfying pleasing him like this. My pussy never failed to get soaked from doing it to him.
And then he says, that's enough. Which makes me think maybe it wasn't that good. Well he said something, I want to come in you and nowhere else or something like that. Okay.
Is she on the pill? They don't talk about condoms in this either.
So if she gets pregnant with her step brother's baby. That child will look normal because they are not bound by DNA. That's right. But, But that child will be bad at sex. But it will only have one pair of grandparents.
I loved this description in this scene. The tip of his cock at the entrance of my pussy. It waited a few moments before peeking inside Climax. I drove right off the edge and went soaring through the clouds, shattered me, fracturing every inch of me like I was made of glass. I just like thinking of his little penis like. Kind of peeking in like seeing if the coast is clear to cause some mischief.
Yeah. Dennis the Menace. I did also genuinely love the phrase, one time when he pinched her nipples, she felt currents of electric lust. Yeah. Electric lust is pretty hot. I would name like my band that. Wait, that sounds like some lyric. Oh, and I get electric lust. That's electric feel.
Eel.
By MGMT. Yeah. You know, they could work in some electro play and then they're actually talking about some I swear to God BDSM. Like the Yeah, yeah.
You get a 10s kit that you start using. Use one of those hooks that goes into your urethra. Do some goddamn BDSM or don't, but don't talk such a big game. Like you're so good at this. Everyone should have the sex they want. You don't have to do BDSM stuff, but don't come at me like you're gonna be great at it and then not be great at it. This is sort of a structural note for the piece.
They have a lot of sex. In a way, I actually find incredibly unsexy. They have no refractory period whatsoever. It's almost like, okay, even if this scene is steamy, I'm coming down and you're going back to have sex immediately. Cause she can't, she's insatiable. And so is he, it seems, but I only hear from her vintage point, but she cannot wait to be fucked again after being fucked.
Yeah. If I'm him, I'm like, hey, can I like, let's just watch the news or something for half an hour. Like I gotta. Slap my sex. Do you want to run back up to the kitchen? I think I have some leftover pie from that big meal I made. Yeah, stuff it inside of me and let's go. You know, I really, I just need a second cause I'm 30 and stuff slows down. Yeah, enter me now. Okay. You have permission.
You know, I have some sex toys over here that I just, I'm assuming. Yeah, throw them at me. I love it. Throw them at me.
And so what I was gonna say, the connective tissue of plot, cause there's only like one page of backstory in the very beginning of this book trilogy. And then never again.
And that, not even just as like a, you don't have story, but just like to come down from a sexy scene, it's hard for me to go. I'm like, oh my God, page after page. Well, the thing is too, when I picked bound by my step brother, A, it just sounded a little funny, but B, I thought it was gonna be more like sneaking around stuff. Like if they had stayed at the family reunion the whole time. Yes, that's way sexier. And you have to like sneak, like in kind of little hijinks that happen. I think that's fun and sexy and a good time to have. But then I just feel like this whole billionaire plot line really killed the mood for me.
They're alone in his private mansion. No one will catch them that isn't paid to shut the fuck up.
Yeah. I mean, I think this is sad on two levels. It's sad that it's not as good of a good as a book as it could be, but it's also like this author. Can I? Is not having good sex probably. Can I say, did you read this to be writing a book? The special, no, please do. The special things about the author will, I think, speak to Kat's point. I did read those. It's crazy.
Kenzie is an amazingly talented writer. She's been writing fiction for years, but this is the first time she's shown her naughty side in it. Be prepared to be seduced by some of the sexiest characters imaginable in each of her stories. There are three things you need to know about Kenzie. One, her favorite color is purple. Two, she believes in unicorns. Three, she writes steamy fiction that makes your heart race. And I don't say this to make fun of her necessarily, but this does speak to me as someone who is writing about something that is purely like unicorns and dragons to her, like the world of BDSF.
Never is. Like a Harry Potter. Never had this. Yes.
And for that, it makes me like it a bit more. I'm glad she's- She's delving into something. When out there and she said it. I thought it was a man who wrote it. Now it's a woman. It's a woman.
But I do think that the like, it's like, okay, this is like for someone who's never done BDSM. Yes. Yeah. A fantasy. Yeah.
Yeah, but a safe fantasy. Very extremely safe. A so safe. So safe.
Her safe word is cherry. What would everyone's safe word be? I'd make my, I mean, yeah, when I have a sex that needs a safe word, there's the slow down word, which is yellow, and then there's the safe word, which is red.
Yellow is sort of like, hey, let's, we'll slow down, we'll do something else. Then red just stops the scene entirely. Yeah. I think it's useful to have both. Yellow and red seem pretty useful.
Everyone knows what those- Traffic lights. Traffic lights.
And cherries are red, so. So perfect. It's a little crazy. Yeah, hers were bananas and cherries.
I think mine would be stop fucking me. Please. I'm not enjoying this when you stop having sex with me for a moment. That's enough.
Another thing that I found endearing was at the end, there was a little recap of they're lying in bed together and they are truly in love. So this isn't just like naughty taboo. It's like she wants to spend the rest of her life with this man and she's like in here, no one can judge us, no one can hurt us. And I was like, oh, well that is a pretty sweet sentiment.
And the third book ends with them saying, you know what, we're going to come out to our families. Yeah. Our family. Sorry. That's what I did. Just the one, just the one. Just the one family.
So now is the portion where we rate the book. One being a drought and five being slip off my chair. Kat, would you like to start us off? You didn't hear it, so what are some of your thoughts and ratings? Yeah, I mean, probably one. We had fun talking about it, but it sounds like there was, yeah, just didn't really go where it could have. I think I'll be a two and a half because she entertained me.
I was laughing and I was turning those e-pages, but I do think the frequency of the sex was a turnoff for me. And there were certain things that were precursors to sex, like eating the heavy meal, being in a lake, that totally turned me off. I literally could not stop thinking about her getting a yeast infection during the first one.
Yeah. I think I would give two and a half as well because I did read the whole thing in quickly and it was a fun little stupid read. If you're someone who just wants to get to the sex in an erotic book and maybe wants some light BDSM or just some less regular sex, it's a good book for you. Again, book is overstating it. If this was typed in word, it would be like eight pages. It wasn't maybe a mistake on my part. I thought it was all one book until then I got to the end and I was like, oh, there's another book, but it's the same book. So it's a little confusing in that regard too. I'm gonna give it a three.
Wow, out of five. Oh, out of five. You thought it was out of 10? I thought it was out of 10. Out of 100. It was out of 10. Oh, okay, so if it's out of five, I would give it a one and a half because the vacation sounds nice and the mansion I'm sure is probably very pleasant to spend the night in.
Okay. Well, thank you everyone for listening or if you're watching on Dropout for watching with us. If you are wanting to be a part of our book club, we would absolutely love that. With your Dropout subscription, there is a Discord, which is a chat where you can chat with us directly. You can leave comments about what we did today, suggestions for future books or concerns for any of our wellbeing. Feel free to write it all in there. You can also read along with us.
We do have our next erotic book picked out. It's also on Amazon for free, a quick read, so it won't take up much of your time. It is The Phantom's Liaison, An Erotic Ghost Story and it's book one.
So please don't read book two because you'll be ahead of us. You'll be ahead of us in this. Unless you can't help it. Yeah.
Thank you everybody for being here. Thank you Kat. Yeah, thank you for having me. Thank you for having me, that was fun. What a joy.
Thank you, have a sexy day. Have a really sexy morning.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kenan_thompson_bowen_yang_james_austin_johnson_and_michael_longfellow_snl | In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the U.s. for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. it was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable. the Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. say what you will, but a gig's a gig. the U.s. Embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately.
Oh, cool. I'll try to do that, said Brittany Griner.
Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week, and Governor Ron Desantis called it a 500-year flooding event. in fact, it's such a historic tragedy that Desantis won't let them teach about it in Florida schools. at a White House event, President Biden asked if Representative Jackie Walorsky was in the audience, asking, where's Jackie? apparently forgetting she died last month. worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. the Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a senate committee except for Ted Cruz. coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves. Jenny Thomas, who's begging you to notice the scarf, so she can say, oh, this old thing, reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement in challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discussed any case before the court. And if there's one thing I believe, it's that this guy doesn't talk to his wife. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. he officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split, while she blamed the Jews.
Last month, Senate Minority Leader Mitch Mcconnell expressed concern about Republicans' chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. here to explain what he meant is Mitch Mcconnell and Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker. Yeah, let's go team, All right. So, Herschel, you're a former Nfl player. Yes. with no political experience. that's right. And you were caught lying about having three secret children. Yes, sir. So, Senator Mcconnell, do you really think this guy is ready to be a senator? It doesn't matter what I think. it matters what I say. And I say, Go Herschel Walker. hey, well, I love you too, Mitch Mcconnell. All right. you see, we're not so different. me and Mitch are like two peas in a bag. All right. Well, Herschel, you've already said some pretty bizarre things that they've got some Republicans worried.
I mean, for example, you said, quote, our good air decided to float over to China's bad air. So when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out. What does that mean? Oh, gee, I slow down so you can understand. we all know air, right?
Air Bud. uh-huh, yeah. Air Jordan. Sure. Aaron Brockovich. indeed.
You see, science don't understand. everybody talk about climate, but what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer. Oh, yeah. bring that climate over here. that's a good idea.
I like that. they don't need it. they little. So that's something we need to look at very, very closely. right, Mitch? right. it's Mitch. Yeah, that's exactly. Yeah. okay.
Well, Senator Mcconnell, I got to ask, what qualifications does this guy actually have to be in the Senate? Well, there's too many to name. First of all, he played football, and Georgia loves football. everybody loves football, baseball. in fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes, Okay? that's right. Listen, listen, if we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Real Me, That, Obama, Michelle. what are you talking about?
Do you have any real policy proposals? of course I do. you know what? I wrote a few down for Mitch on the way over. here, here, go ahead. read that there there, Mitch. Sure. Proposal Number One, Barbecue Tuesday. There it is. number two, let's get a daytime moon. that way, no more rain.
Boom. And number three, create a Department of Instagram booty. too many girls out here faking their cake. it ain't right? it ain't right. You know what? You know what, Herschel, why don't you just tell them about yourself? Oh, okay, yeah. thank you, Stitch. I don't mind if I do. where's my camera? is it down here? No, it's right there, man. it's there. Oh, okay.
Hi, America. my name is Herschel Burschel, and I play football for the U.s. Senate. whenever I'm in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers, George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. they changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I'm the government, we gonna see. Thank you. Okay, Mitch Mcconnell and Herschel Walker, everybody. British officials have unveiled King Charles Iii's new royal monogram. the C stands for Charles, the R is for Rex, and the Iii is for how many hundreds of yards Prince Andrew has to stay away from schools. while performing in Washington, pop star Lizzo played a crystal flute on stage that once was owned by James Madison.
Huh, So we have had a gay president. the Dea is warning that drug cartels are using rainbow-colored fentanyl to target young people. for concerned parents, here's what rainbow-fentanyl looks like. the White House is introducing a new plan to put nutrition labels on the front instead of the back. So to give you an idea of the overall health of Americans, we're too lazy to do this. it was announced that by 2025, New York will install cameras in every subway car. Huh, I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms. police in Florida say that multiple shots were fired during a fight outside of Chuck E. Cheese, but there were no victims located. Hmm, maybe check the pizza?
Euphoria Star: Sydney Sweeney received backlash when Instagram photos from a family event suggest that her parents might be Trump supporters. Here to comment is one of our new cast members, Michael Longfellow. Hey, Colin. hey, Michael, so what do you think of Sydney Sweeney getting all this backlash for having conservative parents? Well, my family's from Arizona, so if you can get in trouble for what your parents think, it's been a good run. they're conservative?
Well, my dad's anti-covid vaccine. he doesn't really believe in the virus, which is crazy because every anti-vax article he sends me gives my computer 10 of them. Do you read any of the articles? I try, but there's so much Simpsons porn on the side. that's tough. Well, you don't feel the need, then, to, like, distance yourself from your dad? for being anti-vax? No. you shouldn't cut anti-vax people out of your life. they could be dead tomorrow. spend time with them. call them. get in the will. right, But the Sydney Sweeney thing wasn't just about the vaccine. it was also her family. were Trump supporters, right? Well, Colin, I don't want to shock you, but my dad doesn't hate that guy. really? No, he's not one of those anti-vax Arizona liberals you're always reading about.
But you got to stand up to your parents. When I found out my Dad was voting for Trump, I sat him down, and I told him, hey, you keep going down this path, I might have to pay for my own car insurance next year. Then he told me how much it was, and I said, well, I didn't know that when I said that, so I'm sorry. And what about the rest of your family? do you consider stepmom's family? yeah, yeah, I think so. Ah, shoot. listen, family dynamics are complicated. you get it.
I imagine a lot of people in your family are Republican. well, not really. Oh, just you? No, I'm saying I'm more of like Bill Maher liberal, you know. right, a republican. Listen, just to make it super clear, I'm very liberal. I'm not a republican.
I mean, unless I get boarding group A at the airport, then I'll be one for like four minutes. But that's it. usually, I'm like anarchy, chaos, burn the system to the ground. but if I'm in boarding group A, I am like, well, order must prevail.
I mean, we are a society. after all, don't touch me. Get Off Me! that's how rich people say get Off Me. they always say it like one and a half times. Get Your Hands Off. I said get your Hands Off Me!
Michael Longfellow, Everyone. Thanks, Colin. the Cia is marking its 75th anniversary by launching a podcast. And because it's the Cia, they're launching it directly into an Afghani wedding. new Italian Prime Minister Giorgio Maloney has been accused of spreading white supremacist ideas, which is crazy. we're now counting Italians as white?
One of the most popular new video games is Trombone Champ, which is a Guitar hero-style game for the trombone. Trombone Champ is also the nickname of a very popular lady in my neighborhood. a new study says that the combined mass of every ant on earth is greater than the mass of every mammal and bird combined, thanks mostly to this juicy bitch. this summer, an invasive species, the Spotted Lantern Fly, has spread throughout the Northeast, destroying local vegetation. experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on sight. and if you've seen one, you might agree. let's take a look. I'm a Spotted Lantern fly.
I don't care what experts say. I'm gonna eat your craw. scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity because I'm a player. that's why people call me a player. my life goals are to lay eggs, to be on Judge Judy, and to eat every crop. And there's nothing these stupid farmers can do to change my mind.
Wow. Well, let's bring them out. A Spotted Lantern Fly, everyone. Oh, yeah! that's right, that's right.
Boomy, Boomy, y'all don't even know me. Boomy, Haters, y'all haters. can kiss my ass, a.k.a. my seminal secretion pouch.
Oh, Lantern Fly, you're coming in a little aggressive. Oh, I'm aggressive. I'm the one who's doing the aggressive Michael Che. they're telling their children to stop me from death.
What is this, Mazda Germany? I think you mean Nazi Germany. I don't know what I mean.
I'm a bug. I'm gonna try to live my life, find a mate, and have 3,000 to 4,000 babies. that's a lot of babies. hey, they hatin',' I'm matein'.' hey, who would want to sit on this? yeah, oh, yeah, no, look at that underwing. it's getting rouge. yeah, uh, that's what y'all look like trying to stomp me. uh, uh, keep stompin'.' I need to look gorgeous. Dead, bitch. Okay, Lantern Fly, relax. what do you say to the people accusing you of being an invasive species? invasive?
Oh, my family's been in this country for generations, any of them. And how long is that? About four months.
Well, you've also been threatening the local vegetation. Oh, how? how? Oh, because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it's dead. I got a problem, bitch, catch me outside, suckin' all your trees to death. Lantern Fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean, people rely on the crops. You're destroyin'.' I don't care if crops knows what they did. crops pray to me. and if I see crops, I'm suckin' them on sight. Well, Lantern Fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight. Oh, hell no. let's bring crops out. try to suck me to death. Try. you can't even fly. I'm not kind of pan. oh, you didn't want to talkin',' but you ain't doin' a lot of suckin'.' Oh, lantern fly, everybody! keep stompin',' bitch! keep stompin'!'
But we can update on Michael Che. I apologize. good night. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Successfully_Teach_Gorilla_It_Will_Die_Someday | Scientists at Tulane University's Primate Research Center announced they have taught a gorilla that someday it will die. Nate Meredith has more in the lab report. Thanks, Dan. In an historic first, a team of primatologists has succeeded in teaching Quigley a western lowland gorilla the concept of mortality and his inevitable doom. Lana Burroughs and Philip Townsend are the researchers leading the project. When we first started with Quigley he was just a normal happy ape, not a care in the world. The first thing we did was we taught him patterns like red block, blue block, green block, over and over. Then it became a pattern of gorilla born, gorilla grow, gorilla die, over and over. The researchers then showed Quigley photographs of dead and dying gorillas while communicating the phrases used someday and no choice.
It took thousands of repetitions but Quigley finally became cognizant of the correlation between himself and the decomposing pile of hair and flesh in the photo. Quigley shared his feelings in a confessional after completing each exercise. That was a great moment. Quigley also began painting pictures like these almost every day. To make sure Quigley retains the awareness of his own demise, the team spends several hours per day reinforcing the certainty of death's arrival.
Quigley, you die. You will die soon.
The researchers say at first Quigley could only communicate rudimentary fears about his own death but he soon moved on to expressing more complex emotions like indifference and self-hatred. And just two days ago Philip Townsend and his colleagues even witnessed what they believe to have been a panic attack in Quigley. He was letting out these anguished cries and banging his head against the wall and I just thought we did it.
The Tulane scientists believe that we may be able to teach a gorilla to resort to alcoholism or even try to kill itself in as little as a decade. The scientists next plan to test whether the results with Quigley can be replicated with other species. They are in the initial stages of teaching bunny rabbits that they will all die. You will both die.
These are thrilling times. For The Lab Report, I'm Nate Meredith. Thanks Nate. Scientists in Britain are conducting a similar study teaching a mouse with a human ear grafted to its back what a freak it is. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_blake_lively_sings_with_the_muppets_snl | Wait, wait, wait. we're hosting Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God.
I love New York this time of year. there's nothing like Christmas in the city. Today is the first day at Snowd, which is why I wore my winter clothes. It's so exciting being here this week at 30 Rockefeller Center because they just had the annual tree lighting. we could see it right out the window. in fact, let's take a look at the tree now. Oh, so beautiful. after the tree lighting ceremony, we went to the party.
Aretha Franklin was there, and Mayor Bloomberg, and I met the Muppets. Yeah, do they know how to party? The next day, Fauzi and Gonzo sent me a lot of inappropriate text messages. word of advice,: if you're ever at a club at 4 in the morning, don't give your number to a Muppet. word of the morn.
Oh, great. Hey, Swedish Chef. Uh, Smorg-y, Smorg. Yes, I got your texts. Uh, Smorg. yeah, I got the photo, too. it took me a moment to figure out what it was. Smorg-y, smorg-y, smorg-y, smorg-y, Smorg. Ok, that's great. Well, it was great to see you. I have to get on with this. Oh, Smorg, Smorg-y, Smorg. Ok, you can tell one joke.
A-ka-waka. hey, why don't we kick off the holiday season with a holiday song? Oh, I don't know if we have time, guys. Smorg, Smorg-y, Florg-y, Smorg-y. stop, please. Yeah, she's right. we can't get the rights to that. beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. we should just skip the song and get on with the show. Oh, I get it now. you don't want us up here. you know, you might be prettier than us, but on the inside, we're all the same. we all have a giant hand shoved up our keister to make us talk and move around. you're the only ones who have that. Waka. Waka. come on, guys. she doesn't like us. No, guys. wait. I'm sorry. in fact, I know when we can sing. really? you mean it? yeah, why not?
Swedish chef? Uh, Smorg-y, Borg. Smorg-y, Borg, Borg. Oh! you got me snow! Smorg, Borg, Smorg-nord!
Hmm. Ah. |
SaturdayNightLive | elder_psa_snl | My name is Russell. I'm 81 years old, and I don't like getting pranked. I'm Ruth. I'm 67.
I get pranked all the time. I don't like it. My name is Walter. I'm very proud to be United States Veteran, and I do not enjoy getting pranked. every day, thousands of seniors fall victim to tiktok pranks. it has to stop. it's got to stop. It's not funny. I'm in the market looking for cat food, the dry kind, just minding my own business. next thing I know, somebody throw a damn blanket over my head.
Yes!
No!
I thought I died. many seniors are even being pranked in their own homes by their own families. this little heifer gonna tell me, Grandma, somebody in church is possessed by an owl, So naturally I say, who? who, child? who? I can't stand her ass. I serve my country. I've earned respect. I don't deserve being dunked on by children at Walmart.
I'm trying to buy a picture frame for my wife! I have 81 confirmed kills! I've worked very hard to prepare a nice, perfect holiday dinner for my entire family to enjoy.
Don't tell me you're gay Just to see my reaction. I don't think I quite understand. it's a prank! Are you gay? Handle that.
And don't tell me Jesus has come back. If you know he has not. Telling your Grandma, Jesus is returning.
You want to prank me? put itching powder in my shorts. don't ask me to just watch your kid and just leave. it's not my kid. I don't know what to do. I can't handle that. I'm a decorated veteran. I block doors with Governor Wallace. and for Christmas sakes, I don't want to play your surprise game show. hey, quit. for 20 bucks, just name one woman. uh, uh, uh, Jimmy. Oh, no. So the next time you think about pranking someone over the age of 60. delt. delt. don't do it. Please. don't do it, All right? I can't do it.
Oh! I'm gonna get you. come over here. you little black bastard. get your damn blanket over my head. many seniors are even being pranked in their own homes by their own families. this little heifer gonna tell me, Grandma, somebody in church is possessed by an hour. So naturally, I say, who? who, y'all? who?
I can't stand her ass. I serve my country. I've earned respect. I don't deserve being dunked on by children at Walmart.
I'm trying to buy a picture frame for my wife! I have anyone confirmed killed! I've worked very hard to prepare a nice, perfect holiday dinner for my entire family to enjoy.
Don't tell me you're gay just to see my reaction. I don't think I quite understand. it's a prank! Handle that. don't tell me Jesus has come back if you know he has not. Telling your Grandma, Jesus is returning. You wanna prank me? put itching powder in my shorts. Don't ask me to just watch your kid and just leave. it's not my kid.
I don't know what to do. I can't handle that. I'm a decorated veteran.
I block doors with Governor Wallace. and for Christmas sakes, I don't wanna play your surprise game show! Hey! Quick! for 20 bucks, just name one woman. uh, uh, uh, Jimmy. oh, no. oh, it's gonna tell me what to pass! So the next time you think about pranking someone over the age of 60.
Delt! Delt! don't do it. Please. don't do it, All right?
I ain't gettin'' no. oh! I'm gonna get you. come over here. you little black bastard. |
TheOnion | Cucumber_Is_Everywhere_So_Why_Are_People_Still_Fat | Obesity levels are on the rise in the US, with nearly a third of adults considered obese.
And yet, if you look around, it seems like cucumber is everywhere. In our salads, on our sandwiches, even in our water. So if cucumber is widely available, why are people still fat? Now, this could be explained away easily if cucumber tasted bad. But here's the thing, cucumber actually tastes good.
Given everything we know, shouldn't our graph look like this? That's better. Okay, so could the problem be that people are just eating too little cucumber and too much other food? If so, the solution is simple. People should simply eat more cucumber and less of things that are not cucumber. There we go.
Ultimately, this baffling disconnect between the availability of cucumbers and rising obesity might come down to the fact that fat people just aren't aware of cucumbers and how to buy them. This is a cucumber. It doesn't cost a lot of money, and any grocery store should have them. You can even buy several cucumbers at a time.
See, now that wasn't so hard. From The Onion, I'm Joe Hooper. |
dropout | store_prank_people_flip_out_when_cashier_steals_credit_card | All right, total comes to $3,188. Come on, sorry, our credit card machine's been acting funky. This damn thing keeps not working. Hey, Jimmy, could you go run this for $8.50? $6,164? $43.60?
Where did you take my card? Oh, I got this guy down the street. Sometimes when our machine isn't working, he just runs cards for us. My buddy Shaheen, he's a cool dude. That sounds kind of sketchy. I look nervous. I mean, he has my credit card. I don't...
Hello? Hey, what's up, man?
You need the zip code? They just need your zip code.
9-0-0. Name of your first pet? Dusty. They need your high school mascot? Archery.
What was your first car? My first car?
Last four of your social. 8-9. Wait, what the hell?
I need him to bring back the car. Have him do a photocopy and then come back with the car. Wait, you're photocopying the car?
If he is not back in this room in two minutes, I'm going to call 911. Where is he? He's a cool guy though, Jimmy. He's got him through this work release kind of thing. He just got out of Juvie. Like a month ago. He got out of Juvie a month ago and you're handing him my credit card to run off somewhere? I know this looks bad, but he's coming back. Jimmy, what are you doing?
Did you just buy that? It's not in my card, right? Did you buy this on her card?
What is that? Why don't you go back? I'll go talk to Shaheen. It's Shaheen. There's no shame. Who did I talk to? You tell me. Jimmy, what are you doing? Where did that come from?
This looks really bad right now. Are you telling me I look bad? I look... No, of course you look great.
This is a cool look for you, but it looks like you bought it on her card. Are you high or something? Did you just take my credit card and you just buy a bunch of stuff with it? I know, I know. Did you just buy it to you with my card?
I promise this is fine. It's not fine. It's not fine in any way.
Who do you call him? The bank. Wait, hold on. Don't call the bank. It's okay. Hold on one second. No, I really don't want it written down. Where is he? I don't think it's the cops or the bank in on this.
Jimmy, what is going on here? What if I told you that you're on camera right now? Nothing was charged on your card. Oh my God. I'm messing with you. You guys suck. You know what's weird?
I've always wanted this to happen. Perfect. There you go. |
TheOnion | DNA_Evidence_Frees_Black_Man_Convicted_Of_Bear_Attack | Today, evidence has freed a Panola, Georgia man today after 12 years in federal prison. James Marshall was sentenced to life without parole in 1996 for the mauling death of a state park hiker, Janet Kelly. Now, I took one look at him and I knew he was the man that mauled and ate my daughter. Now that he's locked up, I pray to God that people can camp in that bare preserve without fearing for their safety. Throughout his time in prison, Mr. Marshall maintained his innocence, claiming his jaws were not powerful enough to have inflicted the six-inch deep bites covering Ms. Kelly's body and that he did not eat Ms. Kelly's entire left leg and lower torso as charged. Panola police expressed shock at the news as the evidence against Mr. Marshall had been overwhelmingly strong. Marshall worked as a guide at the Panola State Park Visitor Center and was definitively placed within a mile of the crime scene the day after the murder, even though employees had been warned against entering the park due to a rash of bear attacks at the time. The jury took just 20 minutes to reach a verdict, which most attributed to the perverse nature of the murder's details, which included a half-eaten fish found at the crime scene, leading Mr. Marshall to be known as the salmon killer. The killer also scattered huge piles of feces around the campsite. They say after he killed Janet, he spent five minutes rubbing his hairy back up against a tree to scratch it. This man is sick.
The mauling was so vicious that Janet's funeral was closed casket. Buried with her was the last photograph she took before she died, a self-portrait of her and two bear cubs.
However, the DNA evidence has not exonerated Mr. Marshall of a larceny charge for tearing off the trunk of Ms. Kelly's car in order to get to the food inside. Mr. Marshall faces a $5,000 fine for that crime. The Panola Police Department today apologized for the inconvenience they caused him and say they planned to reopen the case and, quote, find the black man who did this, unquote. Moving on, the Bob Dole Foundation is awarding scholarships to students who show potential to know who Bob Dole is. |
Wizards_with_Guns | testing_how_racist_thomas_jefferson_is_ | Hey Frank, did you paint the inside of the microwave? Yeah, it was dirty Who's your friend oh So, you know people like that are always like what would the founding fathers say if like they were alive today They want America Yeah, I guess well, that's Thomas Jefferson What I brought him back. I brought him now, dude Why did you do that? Well, I just used a time machine. I got it from the future No, I said why did you bring him here?
Isn't he like a racist didn't he own slaves? Oh Shit should we ask him if he's yeah racist exactly pretty problematic for my youtube channel.
Yeah. Hey Tom Thomas oh, hey Thomas Jefferson.
What do you think about America today and Maybe how black people I can't stop watching porn What you guys have so much porn here. It's everywhere. It's insane. There's so much. Oh you uh You found porn.
Yeah, basically right away. It was so easy. I wasn't even trying do you guys do this every day?
No, I mean, I'd like to think I was a pretty well-traveled, you know cultured guy I saw maybe three naked women in my time, but honestly by your standards They were I mean, they were pretty much fully closed. This is insane. Look at this. Oh Yeah, wow, that's I'm just wondering where their parents are. All right, okay. Wow. Yeah, they're part of it Their parents are part of it I'm sorry. Did you guys ask me something about black people? We just want to know if you're like cool with the quality now that you're in like modern times I mean, I've watched every race to just about everything It's all equal now, I truly believe we are all the same on the inside we are all So wet on the inside. Okay. I mean, did you see gay people can get married now? What do you think? I mean, that's pretty good. Oh, I've seen gay people I've seen people.
I don't even know what can I have this? What is this? I don't have this in my time Oh, I think that might be a bad idea.
No, you don't like that the butterfly effect. What's a butterfly? You is this the butterfly oh Oh my god.
I mean this is tame to me now. I basically started with this You should have seen the one about me. There was there was one where I was in it and it was not accurate it's This yeah, I mean just this like what a child saw this Kids can't watch this right?
No.
No, that's not allowed like they can't have one of these Basically every kid has one of those what sometimes babies have really big ones. Oh my god Yeah, oh my god. Oh, I don't know if you're ready for that. Holy shit If this is the one problem this country has We're fucked. I mean I have a problem and what's that? I'm not getting fucked. Oh, yeah Well, maybe me and my friend John Hancock can help you with that Oh Thomas Yeah, you ruined it Oh Thomas Holy shit |
SaturdayNightLive | rome_song_snl | Lately it seems like the magic is gone. He's the love of my life. But something is wrong. He's staring out the window. What does he see? is he dreaming of another woman? he wants more than me. He's got me feeling so alone, like our house is not a home. Would he be happier on his own?
What you thinking about, baby? me? I'm just thinking about. here's him and his twin, sucking on a wolf's titty what?
He's a special little guy. I hand him to his daddy. He looks like he's gonna cry and I know his heart is filled with. whoa, whoa, bring a tear to my eye in the gear.
Double M, double X, Triple I. Did you know that their sketches weren't white? they painted them in colors bold and bright. Emperor Nero killed his own mother when they took A. they sat next to each other. Bill's polymer banker comes out lately. It is what really ever died. It's not like the movies.
They mostly stayed alive. They built roads so good they're still in use today and Emperor Hadrian openly gagged. It won't, won't, ain't she wrong? They had central heat and air in the hole.
No, you're done. God. I feel like an angel. What'd you say? I said you're acting like the busy gods right now. Ow, Stop thinking about Rome all the time. Look at our son. You got him doing it now, too. Rome? Nah, woman, I'm just thinking about it.
Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, all kind of dinosaurs. Big, dim, a darkness, two of gods and a rainstorm. They warned the world with nothing. not around. The only trace of them buried in the ground.
Kind of like Rome, Rome, ancient Rome found in London, Paris, Zurich, and Cologne. And in terms of religion, Hey, no! you need to be thinking about things that matter today. Like what? like. astrology, astrology, the art of being a star and how their position determines who we are. See, it's gonna feel, I know we gonna cheat all day. And if you a triple Gemini, stay the hell away. Cause astrology. A little fun. Fact on the Romans were actually into astrology, too.
I said you're done! |
dropout | Stuffed_Animals_Kill_the_Mood | so this is my room oh my god it's uh cute um wow you have kind of a lot of plush toys oh yeah my stuffies stuffies yeah I try to get a stuffy whenever I go somewhere new or sometimes a friend will get me a new stuffy oh that's sweet so it's kind of like each one represents a memory yeah totally okay um is it kind of weird that they're like you know like in the bed with us I mean they're not alive they're basically pillows it's just like what we're doing feels so adult mm-hmm and this feels like a bed for kids totally what is this that's Gus Gus I got him at the Vatican you got this at the Vatican whoa whoa okay what's going on they're praying it's a Gus Gus prayer chain let's turn off the lights nope okay let's back on okay look I'll clear some room okay just what oh that was just a stuffy what oh that was just another stuffy no that sounded exactly like you okay I'm kind of freaking out here okay we can clear the bed what's wrong you have too many stuffed animals but they're all my loves what no a lot of toys yeah that's Ally then who was it which her I love you too hey what's up it's Ally if you like College Humor and you want to support us please sign up for dropouts for the low low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the dropout discord and exclusive content such as my show paranoia your parents came to visit and what's the worst thing that can happen to you you die that was so earnest worse than that is you accidentally kill your parents oh sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard I want to see her I want to see her dance |
SaturdayNightLive | kanye_skechers_commercial_snl | Here at Sketchers, we pride ourselves on two things. making stylish, comfortable shoes at an affordable price. and having zero tolerance for anti-semitism. that's why, earlier this week, when Kanye West showed up at our corporate office, asking to work with us, we said, no. no way. no. no thank you. And we immediately escorted him out of the building. Like the rest of the country, we were appalled by Kanye's horrific comments. and we vowed to never work with him in any capacity. But can we also point out that of all the companies he could have approached and been rejected by, he chose Sketchers. Sketchers has always been a hip, edgy company. everyone knows that. So of course, Kanye came to us first. Kanye came to Sketchers and Sketchers said no. do you realize how insanely satisfying that is? I guess you could say that Sketchers employees are kind of heroes. Like selly, maybe. Two years ago, could you have imagined the headline, Sketchers Too Good for Kanye? I actually feel high. like I think this is what cocaine feels like. corporate was like, we can't work with Kanye West. he's crazy now. I was like, no. he took Adidas so many days to decide not to work with them. I mean, he walked in and we were like, bye, bye-bye. And sure, Kanye and Sketchers would have been a perfect partnership. he's always been a disruptor in the fashion industry. And we invented shoes you can wash in a washing machine.
But again, we would never partner with him. Never. absolutely not.
Besides, what would you even call a Kanye Sketchers shoe anyway? the Skeezy? It's actually not bad. But we're not doing it. right. because of the anti-semitism. I'm proud to work for Sketchers. I mean, when's the last time I said that? all we want is for people to know where Sketchers stands. and for a little recognition of how cool this makes us look. I mean, it's not all about us. but it's not like all birds is fighting the fight.
I noticed we haven't heard anything from Crocs. I'm not saying Crocs is anti-semitic. I just think it's interesting you haven't heard from them.
And if you want to tweet your support to Sketchers, just a reminder, there's no T in Sketchers. Hashtag Sketchers Heroes. No T in Heroes either, but I think people know that.
So, thanks, but no thanks, Kanye. we don't need you. we don't stand with you. and we might mess up in the future, but we didn't this time. And besides, I'm sure Kanye will find some morally dubious company to work with instead. he sure will. Hey, it's me, Mike Lindell, founder of My Bill. and I'm proud to announce that we are starting ties with Kanye West, effective immediately.
My Pillow. Sketchers Trash is my pillow's treasure. |
dropout | jake_and_david_try_to_impress_si_swimsuit_models | Hey everybody, I'm Jake, and this is David, and Sophie sent us out here at the SI Swimsuit Launch Party to see what it takes to impress a swimsuit model. Let's hope they talk to us. Well, we are on the red carpet. Well, they are swimsuit models. Fair enough. All right, we want to talk to you about what guys can endure, oh my god, I'm already so excited. Okay, so we want to talk to you about what it takes to impress a swimsuit model for our users who will never be able to actually meet a swimsuit model, but they might be able to come close.
Do you like a guy clean-shaven or a little scruffy, or should we like team it? Should I have a mustache? Okay, like mustaches are really cool.
So there's no middle ground, though. You want either nothing or a lot of sports that you saw. Yeah, when it's a little bit, it hurts.
I think I got a cool look. It's 4 a.m. on prom night. You're wearing a tuxedo, you're in a diner, and the tuxedo tie is untied, and the top two buttons are undone.
That's kind of hot. Who's undershirt do you like better? I'm a fan of dark colors. Nice! How many packs do you like to see in a guy's stomach? I have one solid pack. Oh, nice. Okay. That was a polite way to say, that's disgusting.
You like a guy who works out? I don't like gym-crazy guys.
How many push-ups would I have to be able to do to impress you? Oh, well. I could do 50, does that impress you? That would impress me.
He's lying, he's lying. The girl push-ups, though.
Hey, everybody. Sobe sent us out to Las Vegas so we can put what we learned from the swimsuit models last night into action. So, let's go see who can impress most women in these Sobe side challenges. David, may the best man win. Good luck, Jake.
In round one, we'll use what the models taught us about appearance to try and pick up girls on the street. For every girl we impress, we'll get a point. For every girl who rejects us, we'll lose a point.
Okay, I was told that women get impressed by a man who can do push-ups. I can just do one, two. Ladies! Ladies, come on!
What do you think of my mustache? Before you answer, I saw you wince when I said the word mustache. What do you think of my hair?
Eh. Can I have your phone number? No. Email address? No. Anna, what do you think of my mustache? It sucks. Zip code? No.
It's not really a fan of your mustache, I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure if we kissed, it like, itched my face, I don't think I'd be a fan of it. But you are thinking about us kissing.
Last name? No. First name? No. I'm gonna go in for a kiss now. No. Damn it! Can I have your phone number? No.
How about the disheveled tuxedo look? What do you think of that? No, I like that.
But the shoes don't go. The shoes don't go?
Well, thank god the camera is only from here up. That's true.
No, no, no, dude! Let's talk about my hair.
Your face. Your face said it all. You're cute. You've got great teeth. Great eyes.
You're probably a little younger than me, which is a good thing. And as long as you got a good sense of humor and you came up and chatted to me, I would be interested. Thank you. Which is a good thing.
Hello. Hi. How's it going?
Get the fuck out of here, man. Well, who do you think wins? I'll take both of you. Come on. Bye.
Yes. Well, we learned a lot today from the SoBe side challenge. Yes, we did.
Like your mustache? A bit creepy. Yeah, and your hair is too spiky. Well, it's not that spiky.
The important thing is that we learned. Yes, we did. Wanna go talk to more swimsuit models? I do, actually. Let's do it.
I was winning. I think I have more points, actually. No, I think I am. Who told you? Me. |
TheOnion | God_Tells_IOC_President_To_Build_Ark_Gather_2_Olympians_From_Each_Sport | Get out of my face and into London, I'm Kenny Kennedy. Doc has to buy a passport with his face on it.
We're making do with Tim Devanen of OSN's The Steam Room. Kenny, it's nice to have you the co-host with me today. Remember your place, Tim. Below dock and above crustaceans. Alright, clank your crusty mugs because this is the face crash.
The omniscient being known as God has told IOC President Jacques Rogat to build an ark and gather two athletes, one male and one female, from each Olympic sport. Good move by God. The Olympics already sort out the best of each species of human athlete. Perfect time to fill up the boat and call for the big wet reset. A hellbound man like me can call God on his mistakes, Tim. And this one's right up there with a narwhal. Ten minutes on an Olympian filled ark and the Greco-Romans will have hunted down and devoured the ping pongers. Pull your head out of your ark, Kenny. God's not saving animals and the earth still needs a food chain. Olympians fed on Olympians will bring humanity to new heights. Tim, your system is flawed. God's system. Stock an ark with wild boar archers and a few female divers to fetch clams. That's a world I can work with.
You're not getting on that ark, Kenny. You're going to be stuck in the steam room. There's no steam in the great flood. Now, crash your face and stare at some noggins.
The Olympic Committee has chosen the British children whose heads will bear the apples from the archery competition. Love getting the kids involved. Love this year's selection, too.
You still get your ten minutes to observe your apple boy before you fire that first volley. Great archers learn their kids' tendencies and adjust. This would never be an issue if they sat another child on top of the apple to keep the apple firmly in place. One apple, one boy. The joy of archery in the Olympics is picking your favorite kid and cheering if he survives the tournament. You and your sentimental traditions.
Okay, over in water sports, every single swimmer is refusing to race because the Olympic pool is too cold. The organizers need to coax those swimmers back into the water, grab Natalie Coughlin's swim cap and chuck it into the pool or drain the whole thing and wait for them to climb down.
Then, turn on the faucets. Leave them be.
Swimming is barbaric as it is. Any activity where you have to keep moving or die isn't a sport. It's torture. Well, this pool talk is torture.
But, Kenny Kennedy, you've survived the steam room. I'm Tim Devanen. Join us next week. No. You're a guest on Goats. Get out of my face. This is the first time in a long time. I'm close enough to a human to kill him and I won't live with regrets. Having you on my program is my revenge. That's not y'all, but I'll kick your fucking a**. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_whiners_at_snl_saturday_night_live | Your name, please? Mr. and Mrs. Jackson. Oh, Kidoki, go right ahead. Thanks. Your name, please. Mr. and Mrs. Winters. All right. go on. that's fine. Your name, please?
Weiner! Dog And Wendy Weiner! fine. all right.
But you see, you're late. so I'm afraid your seats have been taken. Oh, well, we had to take a nap. it's so late!
All right, all right. you can stay, but you're going to have to stand here, and you're going to have to be very quiet. Oh, stand here? shh!
But I can't see! excuse me. my wife can't see. your head is very large. it is a large head, isn't it? Oh, I hope Gilda's on the show tonight. I love when she does Rosetta And Rosetta and Anna. Shh! I hope the Rolling Stones aren't on, though. they're so loud! Listen, Musical Youth is the musical guest. Now, shh! they're so young! they shouldn't be up so late! Who's hosting tonight? Joan Rivers. Now, shh! she's so loud! she gets on my nerves! And her poor husband, Edgar! she's always making jokes about him. I wouldn't make jokes about you, Doug! Oh, Wendy. I'm sleepy. will you please be quiet? we're on the air.
We are? Yes, we're doing the cold opening. We are! Live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
cracked | how_these_entitled_millennials_want_jobs_that_pay | Hey everyone, thanks for joining me for this really weird video. I already don't know how we're gonna title it It's gonna be like an interview conversation thing. I'm Daniel O'Brien.
This is Talia Jane You've written a couple articles for us here at Cracked. You can find them on the website. They're great But you also wrote something else about a year ago that you published on Medium about your job at the time Which was Yelp.
Do you want to run that story? Sure. By our viewers? So about a year ago I wrote an open letter to my CEO at Yelp because all my co-workers and I were struggling Despite the fact that we were working full-time, and I realized that it wasn't normal We had people who were either homeless or on the brink of homelessness We had people who couldn't go to the dentist because they couldn't afford the $20 co-pay Despite the fact that we had full benefits and they they couldn't pay us a living wage so I reached out to my CEO after reaching out to my managers and establishing a Consensus with my co-workers that all of us had asked our managers for a raise And I said like we need to get paid a living wage because this is bogus Two things happened directly from Yelp out of that you were laid off I think the day that it went up two hours two hours after when I wasn't even at work and they fired me The other Yelp change that happened is they raised their wages. Is that right? Mm-hmm. They improved working conditions They instead of everyone just being assigned a different desk every time they came into work people got their own desks which is great because Before everyone would like if one person got a cold Everyone would get a cold the kind of place that would have been a better working environment for you Had you not been fired to make that working environment possible? Yeah, exactly.
The other thing that happened someone 29 year old writer Wrote a response to your post that also went kind of viral because you they turned you into this sort of monster monster yeah, this like this is they decided this is everything that's wrong with Millennials and This woman just came after you that you weren't working hard enough and everything was was your fault and you should have taken a cue from a person like her who worked really hard at a waitressing job and and made enough money to Live well a waitressing job that she was given by a family friend for an essay That is all about how you don't have a strong work ethic and you don't work hard enough She walked into a bar that was owned by a family friend and started complaining and the family friend walked away and came Back and was like you have a job now Yeah And and then she she certainly did work hard at her job and like and like I've waited tables and bartenders We've all had I think we have both at different times been dishwashers so like you can respect that she worked hard to make a good living for herself and it was as a friend and Pseudo boss man of yours. It was hard for For all of us really to watch the internet has just decided. Yes This is what's this is what's wrong with America right now good millennial and bad millennial and no one was taking the time to really Go through both of those articles to see that there's nuance we had Yeah, everywhere and now we're at the present. Yes And there's a senator named Ben sass who wrote this book The vanishing American adults at about page 126 our guy Ben sass in his is his awesome book wrote about Millennials not working hard and he told a story he says sometimes stories like these capture the public attention and go viral in 2016 Talya Jane a 25 year old customer service rep at Yelp's e24 delivery service caused a sensation when she wrote a long letter of complaint to her CEO he doesn't like you specifically Calls you out for not working hard and then he holds up the woman who wrote the response to you as like like he agrees with The internet a year ago, which no one should ever do and he was saying that she was the good one and you were the bad one basically what everyone was saying last year and Here here are some quotes that I hate that he said He said reading this woman's words This is the the one he likes you hear in your head parents across the nation breathing a sigh of relief and whispering praise her Parents, we need more of that.
Some parents may also nod their heads in hearing that Talya Jane was quickly fired from her job, which it's It's a parent. I would that's a head notable. Yeah, everyone loves when people get fired who are already struggling Yeah, like that's especially Senators definitely put that out in the world. Good luck with your presidential run Flawiting when people get fired. I found it would recognize miss blank and they would Panic about the survivability of a nation if we have too many miss James So this is panicking.
Yeah, now, these are some pretty damning things that he said about you Yeah, so I'm just curious. What was your reaction when he reached out to you? Well, Dan This might surprise you but the senator who may potentially run for president and wrote a book on a whole thesis That smears me did not actually reach out at all get out of town to get any sort of fact-checking in whatsoever, that's That's pretty interesting we do research it cracked all the time because we're not allowed to publish lies Fun fact though because he is a senator and because the book is published It's considered fair criticism and he's protected from liberal laws Nice high-ranking government officials So I just so any senators or anyone out there who's a high-ranking government official if you want to talk about me Just get it published and you'll be great He uh we keep calling him a senator, but a thing that he calls himself in the book that he takes great pride in is he thinks of himself as an historian first and Of course he does as someone who has published two history books. I'm not allowed to do any of the Not reaching out to living sources when I'm talking about them kind of business like my publisher would be Really mad if I was like, yeah, I I wrote an entire section based on half understood half-read Article that someone else wrote about Talia Jane Is it cool if we just publish it? They'd say no and also I wouldn't do that because I You're here research my shit. I'm a human being and Another thing that I Don't want to come again I don't want to come down too hard on this other writer by which I mean the other woman not Ben sas Who I'm gonna I'm gonna come real hard on He I Get the sense that when he decided to hold you up as the example for everything that's wrong in America right now he didn't read the full thrust of your piece certainly because he would have seen how hard you worked and how real your struggle was and That you're a good person like no one could read that and think oh, yeah, this is this is the person This is the best example like he would just move on because you're not An entitled fraud millennial. He also I don't think read all of your Opponents piece because one of the quotes in hers that really stuck out to me as she's talking about struggling being a waitress in New York and and Having a hard time getting by and like seeing all of her classmates thriving and doing better than her She wrote is a quote I dealt with the pitying looks of my former classmates and their parents when they would see me at the hostess stand Laughing to myself knowing their child was addicted to coke which is had he read that I doubt he would have Held her up as the one that the founding fathers would recognize while panicking over you Yeah so one of the things that was Very clear to me when people were vilifying you on the internet is that 90% of people were in agreement that you were bad And I would also say that 90% of people likely didn't read either of these Open letters they read articles Describing them with certain pull quotes because that's just sort of the vibe that everyone was pulling out No one could have read your whole piece about your struggle in very real terms and Walk away thinking you were a villain and I think that's pretty clear that Ben Sasse did the exact same thing that he didn't read Your letter or the other letter but found some angry National review style blog that was like did you see this millennial fraud? Here's a single out-of-context quote that makes her seem very bad. And did you see this perfect angel? here's a pull quote that makes you seem good and that's a Kind of research and due diligence we can expect from a guy who's helping shape our laws.
Yeah Hey everyone, thank you for watching that weird video click the big C in the middle to subscribe click any of the videos in The boxes around us to watch those videos click the stupid YouTube bell That'll give you notification whenever we make a new video and Talya you're very funny on Twitter. Where can people find you? I just type in Talya Jane. Good luck Sounds good. All right |
dropout | april_fool_s_on_the_internet_sucks_hardly_working | Oh, did you guys see this? Netflix is making a Calvin and Hobbs animated series. No way, this is like... wait a minute.
What day is it? April 1st. April Fools. Ha ha! What power we lost is I, the April Fool, returned once again to fill the internet with jokes and shapes in all manner of dumb fooling.
No, God, this is so fucking annoying. Great, hell, have you heard the latest news? Go away.
It concerns recent development from the Codemasters at Google. Whatever it is, we don't believe you. A novel new offering called Google Date. It looks at the keywords in your emails and analyzes it to find your one true love. No, it doesn't.
It's a prank. We know it's a prank. Alas, you have been tricked by the April Fool.
T-ha, T-he, T-rom. No, we haven't. Google Date does not exist, you see. It is the most unlikely fiction, yet each other has believed it. Not even for a second. Heaven hath not known a more oafish crew than ye three. Fuck this.
April Fool's Day used to be fun and now it's just a bunch of brands trying to seem cool with a bunch of lazy, boring-ass, obvious lies. Oh, well, perhaps this will cheer you. It's a clever new contraption from Thinky. Behold, this orb resembles a Pokeball, but it is in fact a miniature projector pre-loaded with the entirety of the Pokemon anime. Leave us alone! Surely you are seduced by the promise of nostalgia, but wait, there is but one more surprise. This product doesn't exist.
Yeah, we know. Did you? Yes! Did you know that Thinky will actually make this product a few days hence? Yeah, they do it every year. Oh, what you thought a mere lark was in fact advertisement! Yay, you are vamboozled twice over. First by me, and then spied. Capitalism!
You're not clever. You're just lying to us.
And it's not even a surprise because you do it at the same time every year. Honestly, do you enjoy this? Or do you do this because you feel like you have to?
Oh, pity this poor old curmudgeon. This grumpy old man's heart is ungladdened by our monkey shine.
Boo! Boo-ish man! Boo! Put it! Put it now! Piss and boo!
You know, I've written a rude little song about people like you. Would you like to hear it?
No! I think that once you do, you'll never be able to give it up! Stop it! Stop it now!
Really? A Rickroll? It's ironically funny. No, it isn't.
It's the oldest least original prank on the internet. Hey, Grant, no. The oldest least original prank on the internet is when you're engaged in some sort of internet activity concentrating really hard.
And then... |
ClickHole | eye_opening_these_guys_lived_15_minutes_as_homeless_to_see_what_it_s_really_like | Hey guys, your boys Matt and Jesse are back.
And you guessed it, we're talking the homeless. You all know that we love helping the homeless. We are addicted to helping the homeless. But we were wondering what it's like to actually be homeless. So today, we're gonna live like the homeless live.
Time to walk the walk. Let's do this. Alright, so we're just moments away from being homeless. We got these old clothes from Goodwill and we're ready to go. Start the clock.
I can't believe this is how homeless live every day. Jesse and I have been going on for a little while now and we haven't slept a wink. I'm exhausted. We haven't seen a single homeless hotel either. You know, before we started this was just a wall to me. Yeah, but to a homeless this could be a bed or a man cave. I'll never look at a wall the same way again. Me neither, man. I just never realized how isolating it is being homeless. I know, totally. Isolation is the hardest part. I'm looking for some kind of food if you can spare some. Us too, man.
So far, no one's given us any money. Dozens of people have walked right by us. Still not a single cent.
It's completely eye-opening. And stop the clock. What an experience that was.
Listen guys, don't take your homes for granted. And consider donating to your local homeless hotel. You never know when you may have to become homeless like me and Matt did today. |
cracked | why_mary_poppins_was_so_efficient_at_taking_care_of_kids | I thought having a new baby sister would be much more fun. Oh Michael, I wish Mary Poppins were still living with us. She'd know what to do. Mary Poppins!
Hello! What are you doing here?
Well, I heard you needed some help with the crying baby. Oh yes, she's ever so upset. Now Michael, mustn't be negative. Mary Poppins always has a few tricks up her sleeve to sue the crying child. Whenever a child is fussy and starts to cry and moan, there's no need for a bottle. I have a secret of my own. Best you shake up the baby and then you fly away.
Hey guys! Okay, thanks for watching the video. Subscribe and leave thumbs up and all that. But I want to talk about a super serious thing I heard about the other day. I heard this Kony fellow from the Afrikas. This guy is terrible and I just don't even know. I just want you to be aware of him because I feel like that's going to do a lot. So just know there's a guy named Kony and last year 2012 is when he did something bad. I don't super understand it, but you should look it up. It's very important. Subscribe also because we're here. |
SaturdayNightLive | mena_suvari_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Menas Mavare. This is so cool to be hosting Saturday Night Live. this is like a dream come true. it all started when I got a part of the movie American Beauty. but I've had an awfully amazing experience working with the cast of this show. Here, let me show you. I mean, look at this studio. can you believe it? I thought you'd enjoy seeing what goes on at the beginning of a show. I mean, I've learned so much this week about doing live television.
Hey, Mina. good luck tonight. Thanks, Will. that's Will Ferrell. he's so cute. spectacular. have a good show. Yeah, thanks. you too, Will. This is where they write the cue cards and down the hall is the props department.
Hey, Molly Shannon. hey, Mina. you're gonna have a great show tonight. you think so? yeah. are you okay? oh, sorry. what were you saying? Mina, are you all right? Oh, yeah. I'm fine. bye, Molly. And this is where the extras hang out. Lauren, Tracy. hello, Mina. how are you? I'm very well, thanks. Mina, you fine. ain't she, Lauren? fine. definitely fine. come on, everything copacetic? you all right, Dawg? we've got a great show. Lenny Kravitz is here. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_steve_rogers_on_alec_baldwin_snl | On Wednesday of this week, actor Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight after he refused to turn off his phone and stop playing words with friends. Now, here to comment: the pilot of that flight, Captain Steve Rogers. Thanks so much for coming, Captain. thanks for having me, Seth. So, Captain Rogers, what's your take on the events of last Wednesday? Well, it was awful, Seth, which is why it was very important for me to come here tonight. And on behalf of everyone at American Airlines, issue an apology to Mr. Alec Baldwin.
Alec, are you sure this is the right way to handle this? Yeah, yeah, keep going, keep going. So, let me get this straight. You, Captain Rogers, want to apologize to Alec Baldwin. Yes. Mr. Baldwin is an American treasure. and I am ashamed at the way he was treated. I mean, what harm would it do to let him keep playing his game? Not any game, mind you, but a word game for smart people. But, Captain Rogers, don't phones interfere with the plane's communication system? Oh, you don't believe that, do you, Seth? would you really get on an airplane that flew 30,000 feet in the air if you thought one Kindle switch could take it down? come on! it's just a cruel joke perpetrated by the airline industry. And we would have gotten away with it, but Alec Baldwin was just too smart for us. he really is something, Seth. Seriously, Alec, I just don't think this. keep going. This is great.
But didn't Alec Baldwin getting kicked off the plane delay takeoff? it did. And it was the first time in the history of American Airlines that one of our flights was delayed.
Come on, Seth! we're bankrupt. How dare we speak Ill of the great Alec Baldwin. And we can't even take off on time. it was also reported that Alec Baldwin slammed the bathroom door so loudly that you could hear it in the cockpit.
Now, Seth, words with friends can be frustrating. And again, I just started playing the game myself. But when you think you're about to play jailers off of someone's quiche, and then you realize you don't have the eye, let me tell you, that'll make you slam the bathroom door, too. besides, when I go to the bathroom on a plane, I always want that door slammed nice and tight. doesn't everyone gee willikers? Okay, Alec, this is too much. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. Seth, I'm not Alec.
Do you hear me? But I wish it was.
That man's a hero. a smart hero. Captain Steve Rogers! you're a fly-sike now. Captain Steve Rogers. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_andy_walking_saturday_night_live | Hi, America, Andy Samberg here on the streets of New York City. everyone knows that people in television are way smarter than regular people out on the street, so I thought it'd be fun to go around and ask people simple questions and see how dumb they look when they try and answer them. Come on!
Who was the first President of the United States? George Washington. And who was the current Vice President of the United States? Dick Cheney.
This is going to be worse than I thought. Who was the first person to walk on the moon? Neil Armstrong. Wrong.
What fast food chain is Ronald Mcdonald associated with? Mcdonald's. Are you Mcsure? Kids, I've never heard of that.
Okay, here's my impression of you. I'm a girl. I'm walking around on the street. that's you. idiot. fart brain. no class. Oh, hey, look at me. I'm a big, stupid dummy. I'm walking to work with my stupid bag and. See you looking at us? see you looking? that's all.
How many states are there in the U.s. 50. Are you Mcsure? I've never heard of it before. what does Cia stand for? Central Intelligence Agency. I feel like people. none of them know anything. How many states are there in the U.s. 50. Correct.
I've never heard of that. How many states are there in the U.s. 50. Correct. Okay, complete this phrase. the Declaration of Independence. Dance. Yeah, you are. |
dropout | ed_hardy_parody_shirt_comes_to_life | Oh, you noticed this, I used to say, yeah, love kills slowly, what does that mean? Good question. Okay, well, Ed Hardy gave a guy like me from the freakin' streets a chance, and uh, Mr. Ed Hardy, you're the best, I love you, love does kill slowly, and I hope I, I hope I died for a long time. Once I got the call, I was like, Celia, you could be on Ed Hardy. And you know what I'm saying, this is tears of like, mad accomplishment.
So what do you do, you just hang out on that rock door? No disrespect, but there's no way you're getting with her, alright? I'm not talking to you, you little goldfish, or whatever you are, I'm just trying to talk to your friend. Yo, this is my jam right here, hold on, oh, fight that, beat back, fight that, beat back. I'm a brand muffin, this is how I flex my talons, yeah, oh, hey uh, I broke this heart, maybe I can sit on a skull or something, what do you want to do, huh, no, why didn't you, what? I'm just gonna hang out on my head, you wanna jump on my head? What, what? No, I'm not gonna jump on your head, kid. I'm Ed Hardy, falcon, man. Go ahead and try it. I'm just gonna hang out on the sleeve.
She does not like you, alright? Why you disrespect me like this? What if this Chinese New Year or some shit, like, who gives a shit, you look ridiculous.
You just stop, you just stop.
Stinky ass bird shit, feed on my fucking skull. Yo, show me what this is about, man. And it's gonna burn you hot, man, because my skull is unfunnel, okay? Yo, you wanna make a throat, give me a falcon, bro? What the fuck are you saying to me, man? I'm not gonna bite your fucking head off, okay? I'm not here to make friends.
Ew, you are gross, okay? What? You're like, disgusting. What?
You don't even need to talk to me like that, okay? That's the truth. That is not rude. Oh, yo, let's see a fight, girl. You know what? Them little shells on your titties, they ain't hiding nothing, alright? I can tell, you ain't all that.
Do you even fly, because doesn't even look like you could carry yourself out of here with those broke ass wings, okay? Like, fly away, little boy, fly away. Leave us alone. The only reason I'm talking to you is because you're the only thing with a pussy on this entire shirt.
Fight that. Beat that. |
dropout | what_you_wish_would_happen_on_game_of_thrones_part_2 | I'm going to murder you! Just like I murdered your whole sister! Over in my love!
Why so surprised? Did you think the red viper was just a name?
Tyrion Latister! Your pardon! Alright! Farewell Tyrion!
We're off!
Where more orgies await us! God, they're so effing cool! Bum, bum! Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum! Bran, your journey will seem long and pointless with many, many, many, many- What the- Ha, ha! I got him! Bran! Hodor! Now we can make it tell us everything! Like today! Talk, bed! Ow! Fine, Bran! Here's exactly what your dreams are about, okay? Bum, bum, bum!
Game of Thrones, Thrones! Joffrey is dead! Tywin is dead! Tommen is boring as shit!
King's Landing will now be ruled by the city's most interesting people, Marjorie and her witty grandmother! And we'll have help! We've summoned every woman in the Tyrell family! It's hotter or more sharp tongue than the lass!
Do, do, do! Do, do!
Even with your army status, King's Landing will be difficult to conquer alone! Oh, we won't be alone! Fighters assemble! Arya Stark, the Onion Knight, the cool guy who can change his face, the Frost Monster, a giant, Legolas, Starbuck from Battlestar, and the Red Viper! How did you find them all?
Shh! Who cares? This rules! Shh!
Game of Thrones! How many more administrative duties must I handle? Too many, my lady. Khal Drogo, my love! How are you still alive?
You're not here, Aryani! Nope! I'm going to kill you! I'll kill you! Game of Thrones! Prepare to die, Starks!
As much as I despise weddings, even I can't allow that. Are you going to stop me, Imp? Heavens no. I'll leave that to my new girlfriend.
Shadow! Whoa! Brother, thank you. Don't mention it. Now, let's turn this blood bath into a blood bash! Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. What was that, man? |
cracked | why_keep_calm_and_carry_on_is_a_lie_hilarious_helmet_history | Keep calm and carry on said no one in World War two ever Welcome to hilarious helmet history the show where today's cultural historical misconceptions are even sillier than my helmet today I'm wearing a World War two aviator helmet because we're talking about the number one symbol of Britain in World War two Not Winston Churchill being badass not this famous photo of a London Cathedral surviving Hitler's bombs and not a mashup of those two things Which I made us pay someone to photoshop for my amusement No I'm talking about keep calm and carry on the classy poster that inspired Britain to stand strong against the Nazis Except no it didn't not at all keep calm and carry on wasn't a thing in World War two Also, the posters meaning is way darker than you realize and the only war involving keep calm and carry on is a modern Trademark war first things first keep calm and carry on was not part of World War two Even though yeah, it was designed in 1939 the year Britain declared war on Germany But what happened is they printed over two million keep calm and carry on posters And then those posters heroically served their country by remaining in storage until the government recycled them Unused you only know about keep calm and carry on at all because a bookstore called barter books found a stray old copy in the year 2000 they put it in their window customers liked it They started a side business selling new copies and launched a worldwide meme But until the year 2000 no one remembered this poster existed because it was a weak propaganda message designed for an event that didn't happen Here's why it was weak propaganda past British propaganda relied on direct strong Specific messages because that's what works in World War one this pointy British poster was so successful America did its own ripoff version World War two Britain stuck to that playbook in his book the British at war film historian James Chapman Says that by early 1940 British war propaganda used three main messages message number one What Britain is fighting for everything from global freedom to stabbing Hitler's creepy hairy skull number two how Britain fights manufacturing allies Moxie etc and message number three the need for sacrifices if the fight is to be won It asked people to do specific stuff help with air defense put out fires dig victory gardens collect bones in the food Leftovers way not the serial killer way point is effective propaganda asked people to actively help the war like grownups The text of keep calm and carry on might as well be we know war is scary Just don't poop your diaper, but despite this posters stupid useless message Britain had big plans for it big Dystopian man in the high castle plans for it remember how I said they kept millions of copies of keep calm and carry on in storage Well, that's because they were stockpiling it as an emergency poster for use in a total military Disaster like like a successful German invasion of England type disaster and in 1939 that looked like Hitler's next move He'd already overrun Eastern Europe marched part way into Russia Also America was years away from declaring war and in 1940 Hitler took over Belgium Holland France and came so dramatically Close to forcing a British army surrender.
There's gonna be a Christopher Nolan movie about it So Britain printed three poster options to prepare for the evil reverse version of D-Day that they thought was around the corner But Hitler only managed to bomb England from the air which Britain's cathedrals and people survived Then the British pounded some black tea went on the attack starting in North Africa and went on to use a Soviet American and British Commonwealth tag team to win history's version of the WWE intercontinental championship But before that happened, they made this poster for their worst-case scenario So while the text is cutesy the subtext is horrifying The subtext is become a resistance fighter because it was having a wank in Buckingham Palace and there's another Dystopian layer here it keeps going down because while we don't know which British government employee designed keep calm and carry on We do know who they worked for the Ministry of information the MOI was a wartime branch of British government that Ministered information in the sense that it made propaganda and censored the media that included censoring the anti-soviet opinions of ace reporter George Orwell so when Orwell went on to write 1984 He based the books horrible ministry of truth on the real-life ministry of information Which means the keep calm and carry on posters rad and stylish message comes from the organization That inspired the organization that says two plus two equals five and I know this poster isn't evil It's not advocating a dictatorship and you're allowed to like it Lots of people like it and so many people like it in modern times It's developed a real gross business side because as writer Maria Bustillos points out in this excellent article for the all British and European trademark offices are handing out exclusive keep calm and carry on merchandising licenses to whichever random people ask first Chief among them trademark squatter Mark Coop who went on the BBC to tell his country that he owns his country's history and everybody else is Ripping him off had I not built this up they probably would never heard of it, so I Think they're jumping on the back of essentially why came up with this is a show where I wear helmets Matching history-based bullshit, and I think I need a helmet of that guy's face key trademarks keep calm and carry on in 2007 which is seven years after this bookstore made it a thing also an artist hand-lettered this poster and by law the British government Owns the copyright on artworks it paid for but none of that is stopping random dinguses like crumpet boy From hogging the royalties for printing keep calm and carry on on every item in the history of items And I mean every item people are trademarking keep calm and carry on for beer wine lube Condoms and I know almost none of you watching this video discovered keep calm and carry on in Condom form also none of you discovered it in lube form because YouTube is impossible to navigate with slippery sex fingies point is you're Allowed to like keep calm and carry on I just think we should stop liking it for being a war hero that it never was and We should start celebrating keep calm and carry on as the most awesomely weird concept in the history of Well history and memes and the internet overall and nightmare alternate timelines where Hitler's armies swept across continents Crushing the world underneath a fascist boot heel and graphic design Thanks for watching hilarious helmet history if you want to subscribe hit the big C in the mill And if you want to watch more videos hit them over there and also don't forget to hit the notification bell below So YouTube will net for you when we have a new video and please comment if I should have done the whole video in this goofy voice |
dropout | hiiiiiiiiigh_castle_part_3_predictions | We're all big fans of Amazon's The Man in the High Castle. Who in the what castle? Man in the High Castle. I never watched it before, I just like it in high.
Today, we've decided to combine the two. And this? This? This is...
High Castle. So, we just watched the trailer for season two. We saw The Man in the High Castle.
It was literally a dude with a whole bunch of films. Like, no one knows where. Yeah, I guess he lives in, like, a between time and space. Stephen Ruth walks between worlds.
Okay, so in season two, what's going to happen? What's going to happen with the love triangle? What's happening with the love, man?
Julianna. Julianna clearly is madly in love with Joe. Yeah. The Joe's on his way to Mexico. Like, I got a song for Frank, all right?
You and your girl, y'all ain't gonna work cause he's eating on you. Cause he's eating on you.
That song gets right to the point. I think Joe's purpose is to kill Hitler. And I think Frank's purpose is to make the woo. And Julianna's purpose is she's the only person who could bring these two people together.
We're looking at three superheroes with powers who are gonna time travel. Maybe a wizard's gonna get involved. I don't know.
All right, here's a crazy theory I have about Joe, though. I feel that Joe is Hitler's son. Well, and then, like, Joe, they said, like, Joe, like, take advantage of your dad's whatever.
That's what I'm saying. The whole thing with John Oppengruppenheimer having to kill his son. I think it's gonna be, like, the saddest, like, old yeller scene. I bet you John's wife, when he tells her, if she finds out, is, like, you know what you have to do. She's a cobalt character, too. Which way did the knives go, Jenny?
What if Ed turned bad? What if Keto makes Ed like a bad guy? Nah, I don't think that could ever happen. I think we're gonna find out. Because Ed's way too clumsy. Keto would never take somebody that clumsy on a squad. I think we are gonna find out, though, that Ed is a, like, a deep resistance.
There seems to be evidence of other dimensions. Called it, called it, called it, called it, called it. That's a dimension, man. That's how you do it.
So they go, and they, like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, to this universe, and he does something. Does that mean that that's gonna have a change throughout all the universes? Like, the butterfly effect works like ripples, right? Like, so you make it, like, an impact here. And it changes everything. But doesn't it only change everything in that universe and not multiple universes? We don't know. Maybe in the show it'll, like, change everything. But if you apply, if you, so multiple universe theory and butterfly effect are two different things. I guess you could apply the butterfly effect to multiple universe theory and, like, endless amounts of ripples and endless directions.
So, that's a lot of films. That after, confused me more. My brain was like, wah, wah, wah. That was woo. Yeah, that was woo. You were filling the woo.
We all, like, I found a way out, right? I can't say she found a way out, did she? Yeah. Way out.
Maybe that's why Hitler's watching these films. No, it's evidence.
So he could conquer every universe. Hitler wants to get every universe.
Bum, bum, bum. We're dimensioning. We're traveling, too. This is how the images work. I believe, and I really see this coming. Like, I'm using my woo on this one.
That we will see us in season two and then I gotcha. This discussion's happening. What's that smell? So, when are we getting together for season two? When's season two?
December 6th on... Ah, I forget it. Yeah. The man of the North, Susan, spy. |
cracked | why_idiocracy_would_actually_be_a_utopia | Hi, maybe you've heard the bad news already. We're doomed. Everyone is saying so. Whenever the news covers a celebrity breakup instead of a foreign bombing, or a politician says women's bodies can shut down rape, or a kid asks Facebook if he can catch deafness from his dog. We all take to our keyboards and announce that this sad show is finally over. Our species deserves to be shaken free from this frozen star.
See, we all love being the harbingers of some apocalypse, and our favorite apocalypse to harbinge is the one born from hopeless stupidity. The cultural touchstone for this fear is the 2006 movie Idiocracy. Still, consistently hashtagged and name-dropped anytime someone feels like we're falling headlong into some collective, mindless destruction. Idiocracy was a story of a man, mediocre in every conceivable way, transported 500 years into the future, where intelligence has been bred out of humanity and the world is just a big mess. But here's the thing, we've now had the benefit of almost 10 years of hindsight since that movie came out. And even though it takes place 500 years in the future, I feel completely confident in saying that knowing what we know now, we would be f***ing lucky to have the future of Idiocracy.
Let me explain. Yes, the future of Idiocracy is governed by stupidity, and a professional wrestler is president, Starbucks gives out handjobs now, and there's a looming famine because everyone's been watering their crops with a sports drink called Brondo. They're watering crops with a sports drink? But stay with me for a second. I would gladly take that kind of benign Idiocracy in my future over malicious Idiocracy any day.
In present day America, we are surrounded by people who actively call for our current president to be lynched because he's black. People who bomb planned parenthoods and drag gay people behind trucks and wear loaded automatic rifles into fast food chains after a mass shooting. There's a whole quadrant of hateful stupid that's completely absent from Idiocracy. In fact, there's a black president in the movie, and it's never once mentioned. He rides in an open-air motorcade through city streets, throws parties for everyone on the lawn of the White House, everyone's invited, and he never once worries about the possibility of assassination.
There's a female attorney general, and people listen to her. They respect her opinions. I mean, that doesn't seem that remarkable, but keep in mind that we've only ever had two female attorney generals in all of American history, and each one of them dealt with pretty much non-stock complaints that a woman shouldn't have that job, except in the case of Jan Arena when people just accused her of being a man in a dress.
Everyone in Idiocracy, it turns out, is pretty open-minded, aside from the fact that sometimes they call stuff faggy if it's too smart for them. But that's all because of one very important fact. The stupid people in the movie know they're stupid. Could you even imagine a world in which idiots knew that they were idiots?
What a magical fucking utopia. How do we get that now? Luke Wilson's character has to take an intelligence test when he's sent to future prison to determine what type of job best suits him while incarcerated. Already, I should point out, not a bad idea for prisons. His intelligence, it turns out, is off the charts by future America standards, and so he immediately lands a job at the White House, because everyone in America wants the smartest people tackling the country's biggest problems. Just think about that for a minute. You live in a world occupied by people who vote for their president based on who they could see themselves having a beer with. And in the apocalyptic future of Idiocracy, what they want above all else in their leaders is intelligence. And the system works. Luke Wilson solves the famine crisis, and eventually ensures that people keep all their jobs, and then tries to scale back his governmental role and let the private companies just handle the rest.
How has the libertarian movement not used this movie as their manifesto? The president shoots an automatic rifle in the air when he wants people's attentions. Let's just move on. Probably the most surprising thing missing from the future of Idiocracy, and which we're just lousy with in present day, is the curse of the ambitious moron. Ambitious stupidity is the most dangerous type of stupidity, because it's infectious. It spreads through a misguided and flawed gospel of words that sound big and ultimately mean nothing. Claiming facts like, I don't know, Mexico is mailing America their rapists, or doctors are trying to kill your kids with autism by giving them vaccines. See, Idiocracy has no Donald Trump. In the movie, there's not a single person in America who is both stupid and power-hungry. Even the president steps down when he realizes that they're someone better suited for his job. Fuck, why is it not 2,505 yet? The reason for all of this is that the movie treats the desperate, uneducated poor as the greatest threat to America.
Shit, I'm pregnant again! Shit! I got too many damn kids!
Yeah, it seems a little insulting by a Mike Judge, but something that's been predominant in fiction since To Kill a Mockingbird. The truth we all know now, though, is that the danger is not the trailer park Jerry Springer Fodder. It's idiot affluence. It's the people with wealth and sway and ambition who don't realize that they're insufferably dumb.
So I don't know, for all I know, it's you maybe. Or me. Oh shit. Am I the dumb? Oh my balls.
Hi everyone, thank you for watching that video. I'm not going to tell you to like or subscribe because you're obviously varsity at YouTube by now. It's been out for long enough that you know how this all works. You can always comment. Of course you know that too. You can pretty much do whatever you want. You can just wait for this to end and for the next video to load because, you know, there's autoplay now, although I don't know in the future if YouTube will continue to do that. Obviously, the more that I talk, the less chance there is that you'll be able to advance to the next video because there's so much time that I'm taking up right now. You should probably actually just pick something from the rail next to me. It's a lot easier. |
dropout | how_would_you_survive_a_zombie_apocalypse_ask_ch | You know what I would do? I would sit them down very calmly and I would ask, hey, what's the problem? We hear so much about people running away from zombies, maybe we need to run to the zombies and ask them what's wrong.
Maybe the reason why zombies are always going brains is because they're, you know, hungry for an intellectual conversation. I could be like the Gandhi of zombie politics. Hell, I might even meet Gandhi. I could meet up with zombie Gandhi, and maybe we'd be friends. Maybe zombie Gandhi is pretty cool. Maybe this guy's a red dude, you know, maybe other than just eating brains and attacking people, he's into like foosball and, you know, flip cup. Is that something that I like to do and I think we could party together.
If I were in a zombie apocalypse, I'd start a restaurant. Zombies are insatiable. They can't get enough of the things they eat, body parts. Zombies are running through the streets. They don't know the difference between garbage and brains. I will show them what it means to have a palette. I would run into the streets and I would pick up guts, eyeballs, brains, feet, put that all on to a plate, and then I would make it look beautiful. Use a little gastronomy, get some whips and flows in there, I don't know, things that melt before you even get to eat them. Here's the thing, zombies are not going to bite the hands that feed them. Is the menu the same every night? Sure it is, because zombies are dumb and they don't know the difference between brains and guts.
And to be honest, I don't either. I wouldn't spend any time like boarding up my windows or making sure my house was secure.
I would take all my friends and I would create like a large zombie, Trojan horse type of thing. It would just be like this 30 foot tall zombie that me and all my friends were inside. And I would spend my time ingratiating myself with the zombie community. I would go to zombie barbecues and zombie block parties, zombie swim meets. I'd play zombie basketball and I'd be really good because I'd be really tall.
Why is that zombie 10 times the size of the rest of us? I don't know, that's just how he was born. How about you stop critiquing him and criticizing him, he's just trying to be the best zombie he can be. And you know what, I think he's a pretty damn good zombie. Then over a period of years where zombie Mike is the man and all these people, all these zombies, no one trusts him, then me and my friends come out of the zombie Trojan horse and we start knocking zombie heads together, right? Zombies are back on top. Unless, and this is where the story gets a little bit complicated, we really started to feel something for the zombies that took us into their lives. They took a 30 foot tall zombie into their homes.
You know what that takes? It takes trust. Hey, thanks for watching Ask CH, I'm Evan Watkins and if you have an idea for another edition of Ask CH, go ahead and leave it in the comments below. If you want to subscribe, click here and if you want to watch another video, click here and if you have any idea how I can get my hands unglued from my pockets, please tell me. Anybody, please tell me.
It's been hours. They're hurting and I'm bleeding. |
ClickHole | inspiring_people_describe_the_first_time_they_drank_gatorade | The first time I drank Gatorade my first sip of the football milk we call Gatorade You want to know about my first encounter with the sweet neon soup of Gatorade the first time that I drank Gatorade It's a story.
I know very well Well, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends and they were all drinking Gatorade And it was making them scream I was on an airplane and a flight attendant brought me a glass of a bright red neon soup I asked the flight attendant.
What is this and she said it's called Gatorade I remember that one night my father brought home a huge bucket of beautiful blue syrup.
My father said here is Gatorade I just started a job at an investment firm and my boss takes out a bottle of Gatorade and he says you're on Wall Street And we live for Gatorade and he just starts gulping it down I took a sip of the Gatorade and I could feel the electrolytes turn my body into strong wild garbage My boss handed me a glass of the sweat potion and I took a sip and there it was the taste of Gatorade Couldn't believe how sour it was I started screaming the sour taste the sour taste of Gatorade and at the same time my father was screaming I knew you would understand I took a sip of the Gatorade and I loved the way that the power of the electrolytes made my nose bleed I was so happy because I knew my veins were getting pumped full of football milk I turned my boss and I said to him the sour taste of the sweat potion is a nightmare And I'm gonna drink it every day for the rest of my life When I was finished with the blue Gatorade I said to my father I have tasted the sour sweat potion I now need a new flavor of Gatorade Bring me a Gatorade that is bitter instead of sour and my father turned to me sadly and I saw tears in his eyes And I knew the terrible truth There was no bitter Gatorade Then I started screaming about how I deserve to fly the plane because I was the one with the most energy But they didn't let me fly the plane when I found out there wasn't a Gatorade flavor called bitter Mountain Rush I lost the will to live The power of the football milk took me on a vision quest to the Gatorade laboratories which are in hell and In my dream, I saw the Gatorade scientists doing exercise experiments on all the football players And they were dying The sweat professors kill the football players with their Gatorade experiments I know the Gatorade scientists are running exercise experiments on the football players and that many of them get killed in the laboratories But I don't care because I need the electrolytes for my tantrums Every night since I took my first sip of Gatorade I have a dream where a football player comes up to me and whispers It's time and as soon as he whispers this a human arm holding a bottle of Gatorade bursts out of his chest The sweat professors who invented Gatorade belong in the worst jail there is The football players drink the sour sweat potion and they go crazy and that's amazing But then when they want the bitter Gatorade it can't happen for them Death is too good for the Gatorade scientists |
dropout | lying_to_have_something_in_common | Good meeting everybody! Yeah! We did it! Great! We did it! Oh!
How was your trip? It was so fun! We went to Six Flags! Ugh! Love Six Flags!
Have you been to the one in San Antonio? Oh my god! San Antonio is gorgeous! So nice there! Have you been to, um, Longhorn Brewery? My cousin works at Longhorn! Oh, their beer is incredible! Ugh! It was so good!
Brandon, I thought you didn't drink. Um... What? What did you say? Was it like...
I just thought you didn't drink now. Was it you drank before and you don't drink now? No! You're right. No, I don't drink. Oh! Why did you say you do drink?
I guess the simplest explanation is I'm a liar. You know? A slime man. It's like a little silly putty person. Just like, put me on a newspaper, pull me off, and I just say, just copy whatever you put me next to. Ew. I lied to just have a little thing in common with you. It's crazy. I'm doing a bad job of communicating. Where most men have a spine, I have a little stack of cotton candy.
And I would gladly choose to walk on broken glass with bare feet rather than have a conversation be just a little weird for even a single second. Okay, you don't have to do any of that. I don't think it would be weird just to say that you don't drink.
Yes it would! Yes it a little bit would.
And you know that. Okay, well then just say that your cousin works there and then don't make up the rest. My cousin doesn't work there. Okay?
All my cousins are astronauts. Every single one. I'm the only person in my family who hasn't been in space.
That's so crazy. See? This is what I'm talking about.
It would have been smoother and better for the conversation if I had just lied.
Have you ever been to San Antonio? No! I've never been to San Antonio, okay? And reflexively, as though from the same part of my nervous system that controls breathing while asleep, I lied to you. Okay, so if you haven't been to San Antonio, which Six Flags did you go to? None Six Flags!
Do you get it? I'm sick! And the only prescription is the approval of strangers! Strangers? I don't know either of your names. What?!
We're not strangers! We've worked with you for two years! I helped you move!
And then I'm thinking about it. He's never put our names in sketches. It's always blank.
How did you know I was on a trip? Jessica, you're supposed to take that off. From that humble clue that I spin my web of lies like a rat clinging to a spar of driftwood in sea, when the stakes are at their lowest, that is when my forked tongue flickers from out my teeth. You are deeply troubled. Then we all agree.
Brennan, have you thought about therapy? Ugh, love therapy. Really? I thought you were like on that anti-therapy wagon. What's up, Rekha? Can I help you?
Hey gang, it's Brennan from College Humor. If you liked that last one, make sure to sign up for Dropout, where you can hang out with the cast and crew in our exclusive Dropout Discord server.
Caveat, the Discord server's full of bees. I mean, like physically full of bees. If you log on, bees will start to come out of your computer. I don't have a problem with that because they are just honey bees, which are actually good for the environment, so. |
cracked | pocket_film_festival_contest_if_great_horror_movies_had_a_budget_of_a_1 | If you want in on this movie star lifestyle, all you gotta do is submit an entry to the cracked smartphone, very short film competition. What does that look like, you ask? Well, for example... Well before I even finish my sentence, I get interre- Oh, sorry.
Probably Cody, he's been butt dialing me all day. Cody, I- Shh! It is not Cody. It is his butt. Cody is asleep.
How is this possible? You must listen to me if you want to leave. Okay, what do I do? Oh god, why can I smell it? Seriously though, I am in love with- You need that? And it's just that easy. You make a video on your phone under 35 seconds, cause you gotta beat the shot clock. Then upload the video, submit the link to us, and you could have a chance at our final four or the grand prize. I'm driving very unsafely now, so I'm gonna go, but you can find out more information just by scrolling around this page and checking it out. Hope to see your entry on here soon, guys. Get phoning. |
cracked | 4_movies_that_forgot_to_tie_up_loose_ends_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, I am Daniel Ulysses Hammercock O'Brien and this is Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the award-aware of Internet show that looks at all of the hard pop culture questions in the world and says, no, let's pass on those and talk about bullshit instead. OPCD took a break for a few months while we worked with focus groups to come up with ways to revitalize the show. We settled on this tie clip. Check it out. Alright, today's episode investigates. Movies are fun and happy endings are nice, but have you ever wondered, hey, what if that happy ending isn't? Well good, because that's what this episode's about. Making movies is really hard, but making fun of them is really easy and so today we're doing the second one. I talked about Pinocchio in a previous episode, but that was in the past and the Internet moves at the speed of now, so here we go.
At one point, Pinocchio gets lured to a magic town full of beer and cigars and destruction and carnival rides, but it's actually a place where a demonic stagecoach driver turns bad children into literal jackasses, which then sells for what we have to assume is either a large profit or just pure love of the game. Pinocchio manages to escape that town and reverse his jackass curse and learn a good lesson and live happily ever after, but hey, what's real good with that town, Disney? There's a sequel where Pinocchio goes back to that town with the cops and is like, that's him, officers, that's the weird magic stagecoach driver who's been serially abducting, silencing, and then selling our country's most vulnerable children into slavery.
We should find out how his magic works so we can reverse it and reunite those kids with their families and then probably just do whatever our worst form of punishment is to that guy. Do we also have magic? Let's turn him into something dumb and sh**ly as a manatee and one of those hairless cats.
No is my guess on that one. I feel like if they made a second Pinocchio where he teamed up with the police to conduct a raid on the stagecoach driver, someone would have told me. That's the kind of information that comes to me.
Instead Pinocchio just lives as normal a life as he can with his old man and cricket friend and the stagecoach driver just continues to abduct and enslave children unchecked forever. Pinocchio is rewarded with real boy status for abandoning his friend jumping into the ocean and getting swallowed by a whale and the coachman goes unpunished for the rest of his life.
Sorry, Justice, there's no room for you here.
In Deathproof, the Quentin Tarantino half of 2007's Grind House, a squad of cool ladies do some car fighting against Kurt Russell's stuntman mic, a guy who just likes coming up with creative ways to chase and murder women with his tricked out car. He goes after our main squad of women once he finds out they're borrowing a really nice old car for a joyride but these women hate being murdered so they flip the switch and end up killing Kurt Russell and then gleefully celebrating at the end of the movie, Kurt Russell loses, our girls win, hashtag girl power, hashtag more like Kurt Russell, hashtag Beyonce. Here's the thing, our squad doesn't own that car. They're borrowing it from the creepiest of creepers, this guy, who didn't lend them this car out of the goodness of his creepy heart but because they essentially offered up their currently dressed as a sexy cheerleader friend, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, as collateral. So let's walk through this. Our heroes go to a remote location in the woods to meet up with the creepiest guy they could find and then take his car while basically saying, we'll be really good to your car but in the meantime, please enjoy a lovely afternoon with our hot idiot friend, wink wink.
By the way, she's a porn actress, wink wink. Don't mention it, she's shy. We don't care what you do with her, wink wink. We didn't discuss this with her previously, wink wink.
And then they disappear and destroy his beloved car. They engage in a high speed car chase that takes them miles and miles away from his house and then they ruin the nice car for which cheerleader Mary is unwittingly acting as collateral. And they all almost died and then they killed a guy and they're in the middle of nowhere so poor Mary is probably the last thing on anyone's mind except for this creeper who was promised her. I don't want to undermine the hashtag girl power moment at the end of this film, but I kind of do because they heavily implied that their friend would be DTF and then abandon her with a stranger who doesn't strike me as particularly reasonable or respectful.
What's a cheerleader movie? A movie about cheerleaders. Is it a porno movie? True story.
I got to interview Rosario Dawson, who starred in the movie live on stage at the Calgary Comic Expo two years ago. And I asked her what happened to Mary Elizabeth Winstead's character at the end of the movie and she said, I don't know, reasonable. If I were Mary Elizabeth Winstead, I would get some new friends. Or if I were Rosario Dawson, I'd come be a guest on this show and talk about movies. Or if I were Quentin Tarantino, I'd write a five minute sequel to the movie that checks in with her.
Just a scene where the guy's like, do I get to have weird sex with you now? Like your friends kind of promise because they traded you for my car and then disappeared and destroyed my car. And she's all, nah, they didn't discuss that with me previously.
So I'd rather not. And then he's like, make sense. I respect that. And I'm not resentful. We'll just hang out and drink tea or whatever.
Or he decides to kidnap her and keep her in his creepy underground bunker. And then boom, suddenly it's a 10 Cloverfield Lane prequel. Movies are fun.
In Beauty and the Beast, another Disney movie that I've already fairly thoroughly given it to. There's a beautiful girl that falls in love with the gross beast who was secretly a handsome prince who's been cursed by a gross witch who is also secretly attractive before the beast can be handsome again. Gaston, an also handsome guy, leaves the town folk on an expedition to murder. They mostly sort of almost do, but then Gaston gets for real murdered instead and the beast becomes handsome again.
And it's like, I wasn't a beast. After all, I was your prince. P.S. You have a prince now. And if any of you thought my being cursed for 10 years perhaps softened me and my staff, please refer back to one of the times I let one of my servants slash pieces of furniture fully murder you. I know I've been a fairly absent prince this past decade, but now that I'm back to being handsome and I threw your unofficial leader off a cliff, I'm going to need y'all to do whatever the I say, starting now and going until forever. Now I don't necessarily know if the prince beast will be a terrible ruler for the townsfolk or if the townsfolk will decide to revolt and overthrow their new surprise prince. But I mean, one of those things is going to happen, right? Pretend you're the prince.
And you know all of these townsfolk just abandoned you for 10 years and then Or just pretend you're a townsperson for a second. Pretend you're the baker in this sweet provincial town.
You get along with everyone except two people, the weird girl who spends every day singing a song about how basic ass her life is and her father, a crazy person. Then suddenly one day out of nowhere, some guy kills the coolest guy in town, a guy that according to that one song everybody loves.
And the one most responsible for his death is like Gaston, more like glad he's gone. I'm in charge now. And also that rude chicken town that none of you like. She's your new princess. I hope you all like taking orders from a social outcast and a prince who's only known act as ruler was being to a stranger for being ugly. Those townsfolk are going to kill that former beast so they can go back to their normal lives. Or the prince will end up making everyone's lives worse because he doesn't know anything about ruling because he was bad at it to begin with and then spent the last 10 years mother forgetting how to eat soup. Either way, you know, bad.
Superman returns the best of the three Superman movies to come out in the last 10 years. Can I be right? Wow. Okay. Anyway, in Superman Returns, Superman returns after a long hiatus away from earth where he was debating the merits of even being Superman in the first place. He's come back to find America missed him. Lois moved on and has a son and a fiance, the long suffering James Marsden. And Lex Luthor is up to his old tricks. Luthor's latest plan involves literally building a new continent, the creation of which would cause tsunamis webbing out other countries and forcing people to turn to him and his new real estate as the only game in town. The best Superman movie in 10 years out of total of three possible Superman movies. All right.
Yeah, better than those pieces of still though. So Lex Luthor infuses this full continent with kryptonite Superman's only weakness, but Supes manages to pick up the entire continent anyway and hurl it into space. He almost dies in the process, but somehow lives because kryptonite is weakness kryptonite. The thing that makes him human kryptonite, the thing that makes him interesting isn't actually all that bad.
Turns out Superman lives and learns that Lois Lane's asthmatic son is actually his son and concludes, I know what I have to do. I have to stick around and raise this boy who was half human and half alien. And this probably needs a strong and understanding father figure who can guide him through this messing with you. He concludes, I know what I have to do. I have to continue being Superman and then he just off in a space to watch earth for a while. This kid has asthma and sometimes superpowers and he hasn't even hit puberty yet. He's got James Marsden as a surrogate father figure, but let's be real. Lois is still in love with Superman and James Marsden hasn't been able to successfully hold onto a woman into the history of movies.
Why are you here? I'm going to return my phone calls. None of those options give me you. I can't do this.
Superman sees this kid, his son, and realizes, wow, I have something worth fighting for instead of wow, I need to raise this super powered weirdo or else he's going to grow up and 1000% try to kill me. Because if I'm that kid, if Superman got my mom pregnant and then just disappeared for a while, I'd grow up being pretty resentful because I'd have to watch Superman flying around, saving the world instead of teaching me had not just be a man, but a Superman I'd grow up fatherless. I'm assuming super baby accidentally kills the well-meaning dummy James Marsden at some point and swear revenge. And then one day tragically battled my birth superdad until one of us dies.
It's actually not a bad idea for a Superman movie. Is there, is there room for another Superman franchise?
It's cherry. Yeah, you're right. There's probably too much out there right now. I can wait. I can wait till this garbage dies down. All right. That's all for this episode. Join us next time when our topic will be everything great about Zack Snyder's Superman movies, sponsored by Zack Snyder's Superman movies.
Oof. That's not great. Uh, I am not prepared to talk about that.
Those are bad movies, but hey, money's money. So if they're sponsoring, we'll get some money.
Affleck was good. Amy Adams, always good. She took a bath in Batman versus Superman.
That's neat for the canon. Christopher Maloney. He's in at least one of those movies. Love him.
No baths, unfortunately, but I will.
All right. Bye. Hey everyone. Thank you for watching this episode. Make sure you leave a comment in the box down there.
Uh, and guess what I'm sick with? Figure like, what, what do you think is wrong with me?
And also know that I could have called out today, but I recorded this video for you clearly sick because I care about you that much. So like be nice in the comments and like and subscribe and tell all your friends about the late Dan O'Brien. |
dropout | barack_obama_s_bbq | That's my girls. Get out of here, you little elfkins.
Go on, grill it and chill it. Great barbecue, Barack. I'll have my burger rare. Ugh, gross. I'll have mine well done. Relax, friends. I'm sure we can work out some happy medium burger.
Now neither of us are happy. Barack, my shish kebab fell in the dirt. I know it's ruined. Here's another shish kebab. Just be more responsible with this one. Oh man, it fell in the dirt again. I'm sorry, I thought it was too big to fall. Here's one last shish kebab. Stop bailing them out!
Man, nothing about this barbecue is going the way I expected. What's wrong, Trev?
Well, for one thing, there's that grill. I distinctly remember you saying the first thing you're going to do is close that grill. Look, I know. There's some terrible things going on inside that grill.
But I can't find anywhere else to put the meat. Hey neighbor, you want to take some of this meat? Not in my backyard!
Turned over? Barack, that pork chop is a lost cause. Why are you turning up the heat? Well, I'm not willing to say that we've lost this pork chop. I'm going to turn up the heat really high for a little while. And then I promise to turn it way, way down. It does have a lot of oil under it.
Hey, Barack, I'll take two burgers. Whoa, we can't let burgers get together with other burgers. We can't? Lunch is between a burger and a hot dog. I thought you said you were going to let two burgers share the same plate. Never said that. But how about two burgers on a napkin? Napkins don't have the same benefits as paper plates.
Barack, a whole shit load of ants just got into the punch bowl. No worries, I'll handle it. You're not going to get angry? Are you hearing this? He's not even a little bit angry about the ants. It's a complicated situation, all right? It requires a lot of... A real grill master would get angry. Fine. I'm angry, but I'm just waiting to find out who's ass to kick.
Whoa, whoa. Did you guys hear that? Completely ridiculous. Wildly inappropriate. But you just said that...
Hey, how come only three people have potato salad? In Europe, everyone gets potato salad. I believe that everyone here should be entitled to potato salad.
All right, it's about time. Wait a minute, who's paying for that potato salad? I just thought we could all chip in. No, no, no, no money for that.
Guys, guys, I think Barack is throwing an excellent barbecue. Yeah, especially considering how crappy the last couple of barbecues have been. For some reason, I just thought that this was going to be an incredible, magical barbecue. You know, it was going to change all of our lives. Well, that just seems a little unreasonable.
Guys, there's been a terrible oil spill. An oil and vinegar spill? What? No, actual oil, crude oil in the ocean. We have to do something about it. I can't believe you guys are just sitting around having a barbecue. There is a legit oil spill happening in the ocean right now.
This potato salad is fucking delicious.
Obama, Obama, it's going to get Osama. Osama, Osama. |
SaturdayNightLive | wymins_poetry_night_saturday_night_live | I'm your Mc, Mickey the Dyke, And welcome to Women's Poetry Night. Sorry we got a late start tonight, but we were all in the back room watching Ellen. yeah, yeah, that's a good show, isn't it? Yeah, I just love her character. what else is that, right? I don't know. Okay, let's get started. our first performer is a writer from Northern California, where she is the self-styled poet lariat of her co-op. Please help me welcome Ms. Orlando Strong, everybody! A lesson in Herstory.
Okay, celebrity sighting, ladies, say hello to a celebrity we have in the audience, Ms. Martina Navratilova. All right, now, Martina, you leave tonight without saying hello to me, and you'll see my backhand.
All right, you like that, wouldn't you? you like that, Okay. All right, now. All right, now, our next performer was involved in a terrible accident, All right?
But her love for Ms. Natalie Wood pulled her through. All right, please, help me welcome, she's been through a lot, Ruby Daly! Yes, Ms. Natalie Wood! Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood! would you come dance with me? We could fly so high in the sky like two little angels, kissing one another on the neck in chaste area ever so gently. Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood, Natalie Wood!
I'd like to do a little impression for everybody of Mr. Jack Nicholson. Now, how many out there have seen the movie The Shining, and have wondered how it would be different if Jack Nicholson was a lesbian? All right, yeah, I'm not the only one. Okay, well, you know, I think it would have gone a little something like this. here's Johnny! And I'm a lesbian. All right! All right, Now, Jack Nicholson from The Shining, if he was a lesbian.
All right, now, we got a real treat tonight. a sweet lady came up to me from the audience and said she would like to read a poem to some of her gal pals, and I'm a sucker for romance, so let's bring her up. ladies, say hello to Candy Dennis! Hi, First of all, I just want to say that I'm having a fantastic time. And we used to have poetry nights at our Celebrity House, when Jenny and Kathy saw the ad for open mic night, and we thought, oh, a great place for a bachelorette party. it's just like, you know, it's like old times, except just like with a lot more anger. Anyway, I was so inspired that I scribbled a poem down on this napkin, So what the heck? For most of my life, my friends have been girls, but then I met a man who became my world. and tomorrow morning, it is he who I will marry, and give him a son, the junior Gary. But I will never forget the friends I have made, or the bachelorette party, for which they have paid. A poetry night, now? what could be hipper? Now let's go see some male strippers. you guys, I'm going to miss you so much, I swear to God, but we're going to talk every day, I promise, Okay?
All right, all right. that was great. Thank you, thank you, sir. Okay, let's hear it for the poets who performed tonight. And let's say, Candy, let me buy you a drink at Hooters. Okay. I hope you like motorcycles. come on, get on. All right, say good night, everybody. |
dropout | what_s_not_actually_british | Top of the morning to you, and welcome to Britain or bollocks. Please welcome to help my co-host and our legit resident British person, Siobhan Thompson. Good way. You're going to do that voice the whole time? Yeah, I was thinking it was like. Siobhan will read a series of statements about the United Kingdom, after which our three contestants will have to write down if those statements are true, Britain, or false, bollocks. Let's get started.
The funeral of Princess Diana was the most watched television event in British history. Britain or bollocks? Bollocks. I mean, she was revered by the whole country. She wasn't that great, right? Siobhan, was she? I said bollocks going against the grain with Britain. Siobhan. It is bollocks.
The Queen owns all the whales and dolphins in British waters. I'm going to say Britain, because I think it's true that she owns all the swans. I said Britain, because that sounds like the craziest goddamn thing I've ever heard. I also said Britain.
I heard the thing that Trapp heard about the geese or swans. There was actually a war over the geese, and she does not own the geese.
What the Civil War was all about. Yeah, our Civil War was about that. No, our Civil War, we had a Civil War.
Really? Yes. It sounds cool, though. It was much cooler. Are you kidding me? It's unanimous. You all think this is true, Siobhan? It is true. It is Britain.
She also owns all the swans and all of the sturgeons. So not the geese? But not the geese.
She really held out. The final Beatles concert on the roof of Apple Records is now, coincidentally, an Apple store.
Bollocks to all of it. I also said bollocks, because that's just dumb. What did you draw? I said bollocks as well.
I drew the queen riding a dolphin. That's pretty good.
Gets me a shirt. I need to get me polo shirts.
Before becoming prime minister, Margaret Thatcher helped to invent soft-serve ice cream. Bollocks. I said Britain. Bollocks as well. The answer is Britain.
If I had meant to that, I'd be like, I should run a country. I can do it. If I did this. That's the first sensible thing that you said all day. Thank you very much, Yvonne! No, stop.
It is illegal to watch television in the UK without a license. I know this to be true, so I said Britain. Oh, just for a fact. That's bollocks. A license to watch television? That's a birthright. I said Britain as well. It is Britain.
You don't have to take a test to get the license, though. That's not a license. That's like an HBO Go account. Yeah, it's basically what it is.
In the UK, the store TJ Maxx is called TK Maxx. I said bollocks. I said Britain, and I'd like to see if I can guess what it stands for. Like Tally Ho, Christian Maxx. You know, that's worse than anything Pat has said at all. Wow. I said bollocks, and I drew like a sensible pant. It's true, and I don't know why, and it's baffling to me. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp with the Queen's head upside down. I said Britain.
I also wrote underneath it, iron brew is bad in an attempt to piss off Siobhan. Oh, no, iron brew is good, but I'm not Scottish. The Scottish would be very pissed off you. I said Britain, and I'd like to know what iron brew is.
It's soda. It's a soda, it's not a beer? No. I thought it was coffee.
Exactly for your answer. I said Britain as well. It is bollocks, but it's a common myth.
If you turn the picture of the Queen upside down, it's a beautiful woman. It's like an optical illusion. Already a beautiful woman, Your Majesty.
Don't listen to them. Thank you, Siobhan. During the reign of King Henry V, every sport but archery was banned. Bollocks. I wrote Britain. I started to write Britain, but wrote bollocks. Siobhan. The answer is Britain.
Go! Yes. But this is also where this thing comes from, which is the British equivalent of this. Because the French would capture British longbowmen and cut these two fingers off so they wouldn't be able to pull a bow. Americans pull their bows like this. Right, like this? Yeah, so that's what this came about. Right, 400 pounds on one finger. Yeah, yeah, USA, USA, USA!
That is our game, and our winner is Grant O'Brien. Congratulations. So we have a grand prize, a gift certificate to Medieval Times. Oh, that's just wonderful, then. On our Medieval Times.
Just like Communist England, everyone wins here. Not true about England, and also not how communism works. So for you guys, we have the pocket Oxford American dictionary and thesaurus. These fellas are wrong. And the official cuisine of the British Isle, English muffins. We don't have those in England, that's just an American thing. I want to thank all our contestants, our resident, legit British person, Siobhan Thompson, for being a good sport.
This is never happening again. Thank you so much for watching, and we'll catch you on the flip-flop, Governor! How was that? Very bad. Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor, and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. What was that, man? |
dropout | Don_t_Start_a_Twitch_Stream | See my tail oh actually you guys are free tonight I'm gonna be broadcasting on Twitch as Asian invasion that's a ZN around 710 of you guys are free I'm gonna be playing the Lion King on Super Nintendo it's notoriously hard I'll meet you downstairs okay oh you should be a guest on it we could play that a daddy dating simulator game it's a game where you find the best daddies in your area to date and hopefully have sex with tell you I've been in your position before so I want you to listen to me your twitch stream will fail screw you man why are you being such a because you think the world needs another twitch stream you think that you're so interesting that just watching you play video games counts as entertainment but I am fun to watch I make jokes about the games while I play them and you think that's funny making little quips about the absurdity of video game logic yeah like is it isn't it funny that a mushroom makes Mario big I mean what if a shiitake mushroom made me big be wild tail that's hack but I'm good at the games too I can be awkward in time in 12 hours just three hearts there are people who can beat it in 17 minutes blindfolded solving a Rubik's Cube why would anyone watch you because I'm high I mean creative I was thinking of role-playing as a post office worker in GTA 5 and like drive around pretending like a delivering mail instead of killing people listen to yourself it's it's fun and whimsical it's not only sad it's been done by thousands before you it's just fun I'm just having fun online what's fun about it I just love playing video games I want to share that with my friends so just do that why does it have to be a twitch stream because I want to be an influencer they're really what you want you want to take a once pleasurable activity and turn it into a non-stop slog of begging for subscribers you want to constantly be at the mercy of what's trending you want every single embarrassing thing you say and you will say them to be preserved and be watched for eternity wouldn't you rather just lose it for night if you'll excuse me what's up Instagram it's grant O'Brien coming at you live tell you tell me you're crying I want to be a twitch influencer is it stupid hey everyone thanks for watching I know I know I just wrote a sketch about why you shouldn't start a twitch channel but now I'm actually going to plug dropouts newest twitch channel where we'll be streaming at least three times a week so go over there and subscribe and feel free to roast me in the comments for this plug |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_232_Oliver_Mol | Just a quick warning, this podcast contains themes of crime, trauma, sexual abuse, drug use and suicide. Listener discretion is advised. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Petuta. We've had a great string of guests on our weekly podcast of late.
Just last week we had Russell Manser, former bank robber turned abuse survivor advocate. That was a ripper. I think he prefers the term ex-banker. Ex banking withdrawal expert. He used to work in financial services in the withdrawals department. Yeah, a lot of banks were privy to his good work over the years.
He was another one that we had zooming in. Obviously not everyone can be here in Petuta with us and neither can today's guest, who is a Australian writer, Australian author, a, I guess you'd say an identity amongst, you know, young authors in Australia, even though he isn't based here. Right now we are zooming live from Timilisi, Georgia with today's guest Oliver Moll. Thank you for joining us. Such a pleasure and I can feel the sunshine from Petuta all the way over here, man.
Tell us a little bit about the place you're in, Georgia. Most people in Australia would only really know Georgia as a rugby team in the World Cup. Or as home to Outcast in the South of America.
Yeah, well that's, that's, there's two Georges, yes, but you're not an ATLian. You're a, you're actually in, what would you call it?
West Asia? We're in the Caucasus. So the Caucasus, yeah, the huge mountain range that basically runs down the middle of this country and yeah, it's a fascinating place. It's a place, yeah, full of basically contradiction and change at the moment.
And that's why I'm here. I came here basically just before COVID because I was trying to write a book, the book that just came out and I'd moved to Spain. And I took my life savings and then moved to Spain. And then I'd sort of mucked up my visa so I couldn't stay. So I ended up going to Albania and renting a tent on a beach and riding there for close to two weeks, which was lovely, but not where I wanted to be long term. And then I ended up in Tbilisi because they had a really generous visa policy. Basically anyone can come here for a year and live and work. And the wine was amazing. I'd heard about the mountains, I'd heard about the nightclubs, obviously heard about the rugby and yeah, so decided to come and yeah, I went home for COVID but I'm still here now.
Well, I have heard a pretty interesting story about why rugby union is the national game in Georgia. And that's because I could be very wrong, but it's a pub yarn I've heard. So at the fall of the Soviet Union, apparently when Georgia broke away, one of the first national sporting bodies, in fact, the only one to ever recognize their claim to have their own rugby team was the International Rugby Board. So they were like, Georgia is its own country now it deserves to have its own rugby union team. They're no longer the Soviet rugby union team. It was the newly implemented Ministry of Sport in Georgia got a phone call from some person at a bureaucrat at the International Rugby Board. And overnight, they swore their loyalty to rugby union.
And actually, I mean, you'd be able to tell us a bit more about that. But I do know that they almost work as mercenaries now these big Georgian men kind of get signed contracts in like provincial French clubs and would have the time of their lives. Well, it's pretty funny because, you know, when you when you talk about Georgia, I think yeah, a few things come up. And it's basically a country that is in such a state of flux. You look back at the 90s, you know, this time that we're talking about where Georgia came out from behind the Iron Curtain and, you know, was becoming its own independent state and basically, it was a super dangerous place.
It was intense. There were gangs running the streets, there was a lot of heroin. There was mafia, there was not a lot of electricity.
My friend Peter, who's a writer here, he runs one of the oldest bookshops basically. And it's I think it started in about 92. He was telling me out in Svaneti, which is in the northwest of the country in the mountain regions, which basically, up until not so long ago, did not run by normal law.
Vendettas between families were normal, reactionary killings were normal. And he was telling me that there was a family out there that basically would just rob anyone who came past in its city. So what the government did was flew a huge helicopter and basically hovered above them with a machine gun and a rocket launcher. And they just took out the house.
And that's sort of, you know, we're getting a little bit sidetracked here. But to answer your question about like the mercenaries, like it's probably not so far from the truth. But then something really interesting happened in Georgia, though. And it's not something I've seen in a lot of countries that's been done, but basically it completely turned around its narrative. So yeah, in like the early 2000s, I believe all the crooked cops were fired and let go.
The police changed their glass. They made the glass transparent instead of opaque.
And now I think Georgia is one of the four safest countries in the world.
Really? And you just, you just went there on a whim because you needed a visa in Europe. Yeah. So I basically got this job on the railway. Yeah.
Long story short, I had this pretty intense 10 month migraine.
We want to get into the book. When we met you, Oliver, you had just published 2015 Lion Attack. We'll eventually get to what got you to Georgia, but I want to talk about Lion Attack.
That was of a time. There was a scene within, you know, literature known as alt lit. Can you tell us a little bit about that and the term, even the term alt sounds very much of that time, 2014, you know, that we, that's when we started talking about the alt right and the alt left and the alt lit. Tell us a little bit about alt lit and what was that and the role you played in it. Yeah. I got into alt lit I think cause I was looking for a community in literature and in writing and you know, I'm 34 now.
And so a lot of the people that I was reading and talking to, whether that was online or what else, you know, we were the generation that kind of grew up, we could remember before the internet and we could remember the internet too. So we kind of had this dual perspective of what life was and was not, I suppose. And so we were trying to make sense of that. A lot of the literature at the time I felt wasn't really addressing or using the internet in their work. And we sort of just went wholeheartedly on the other side of that, I guess. So mainly people were based in America, in Canada. I was sort of one of the main people in Australia and for a while it was beautiful, you know, like it really felt like a movement, like a young movement of people doing something different for a change. It felt like the main literary establishment was pretty against what was going on. And in hindsight, I can understand why, but I think for us at the time, it was something that felt so integral and important because this was how we were communicating and this was how we were, it spoke to our current situation and that growing idea and sense perhaps of loneliness and disconnection as well that was, yeah, maybe beginning to pervade certain spaces or something like that. And then the whole scene fell apart. So yeah, there was sexual abuse allegations and physical abuse allegations and lots of people from these main sectors kind of turned out to be not the beautiful or respectable people that they had once said they were. And then I concurrently, yeah, suffered this sort of migraine. And it's funny, I think, because the book that I wrote, Trainlord, is a very almost anti-internet book, not because I hate the internet, just because I simply couldn't look at screen. So it became the inverse of the first one I did. It was the mirror to that, I guess.
So yeah, line attack and your kind of alt-lit online community was a way of you getting in the door as a writer, I guess, and I'm sure there's a whole lot of other industries that are in the same vein as you. I can imagine the art world wasn't too happy about all these artists popping up on Instagram. We know for a fact in the sporting world, there's been kids signing contracts based off YouTube videos of them in high school, you know what I mean? And I know there's always a resistance to the technological kind of advances socially that end up making their way into different industries and different sectors.
You then, unrelated to your screen time, which was obviously, it was 2014, social media was happening, everyone was blogging, everyone was writing. Yeah, I think that was around the time when every person finally relented to the fact they had to get a smartphone. Yeah. And around that time, you develop this migraine, which I think is, the fabric of this book is this 10 month migraine you had.
That's not related. You don't believe that's related to screens or anything like that. I mean, screens would definitely make it worse, but it was just something that was going to happen to you wherever you were in the world, whatever you were doing.
Oh, no, I reckon it was fully to do with, you know, like, for me, like basically what happened was, you know, after that first book came out and I was so involved in the scene and I was so, but what comes with that too is like, you know, I didn't have the maturity to be able to separate myself from the work. I think at that time, because internet and person were emerging at the same time and I'd never really had a mentor nor really understood kind of what I was doing. And I, you know, I was publicly, I was publishing prolifically on Facebook. I'd kind of stopped publishing anywhere else. I kind of just said, like, you know, I'm out of lit mags or whatever. I felt like the audience was all online. And so, because I was publishing so much in those spaces, when reviews came out of the book, which were, you know, mostly pretty good, but some of them were horrific and understandably so, I didn't have the maturity to separate my ego from the work, I think.
So I took on board all those criticisms and yeah, it hit me really, really hard. And so, and I still remember like flying to Melbourne for the launch and I was sitting in the airport, like trying to write a short story. And then all of a sudden, yeah, this, I'd had a few of them before, but this one felt like quite a bit worse. And I remember, yeah, just like going to the bathroom and it was like my head veins were sticking out and my eyes had gone bright red and it felt like someone was just smacking me in the shovel with the, in the back of the head. And then that was like a little mini one that lasted a few days. I did the launch, but I had to, I was drinking a lot and I took a lot of painkillers. And then, and then I did this grant, I was trying to write the next book. And that, that was the beginning of the big one, basically where, yeah, this, this kind of like stretching and breaking and stretching and breaking started to happen. It's interesting that it happened while I was trying to get a grant to write the next book as if my brain was telling me, just shut the fuck up, please. Like you can't just, you need to relax and you need to do, you need to do some work on yourself because what you're opening yourself up to is destroying you. So yeah, that one basically I fell over, crawled outside, vomited in the grass, and then that one lasted 10 months.
So tell me what you've identified it to be. I mean, I've had to read your book and that you went through the paces, you went through the MRIs, you went through the chiropractors. I'm sure at some point you thought there was a tumor in there. Did you look at this as a burnout or an information overload? What would you, what would you in hindsight, diagnose this to be?
Yeah, a breakdown for sure. But also I think, you know, just completely burnt out. I think the other thing that people don't talk about that much as well is, you know, when you're a young artist and yeah, you don't have a lot of mentorship or direction, you know, I always assumed once I got a book done that, you know, it would, money would just flow, you know, and, and I'd been living week to week for a long time trying to, you know, do whatever you might call this creative or artistic life to be, you know, I was also drinking a lot and partying a lot. I wasn't taking care of myself, but I just assumed that, you know, once this book got done, I really thought that, you know, money would just stop being such an issue. Yeah, grants would come through. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, but the reality is, is like, you know, nothing really ever changed. Nothing changes that dramatically, unless you get like a bestseller or something or, you know, I'm in, I'm in a much better financial place now.
But I think in terms of when you write a book or I think most people can relate to this, you guys can relate to this. I'm sure when you finish a huge project and your body has just been manufacturing these drugs inside you for so long, keeping you focused, keeping you tuned, keeping you like in the creative space of what you're trying to do and whether that lasts three, six, 12 months, you finish that. And all of a sudden it's like, you've lost your purpose for a certain extent because this thing that you were doing every day is suddenly not yours. It's gone. And secondly, I was listening to this podcast with this, I think she was like a neuro, something to do with neuroplasticity or something in the brain, but she was talking about how your body manufactures these drugs and then needs time to return to homeostasis. So it's why, you know, those post-exam blues or post-creative blues, or you perform on a stage and you get off and you just feel absolutely like wipes. And I think for me, it took a while for everything to return to a sort of level of homeostasis or something. So to answer your question, burnout a hundred percent. It is a different kind of burnout too, because it's you're trying to level up and not letting yourself come down from your first body of work.
A good example, if you really want to look at it, I feel now that we're talking about it is Will Smith on the night that he wins the Oscar for King Richard. And he made an absolute fool of himself. You know what I mean? Those awards nights, those premiers, those, you know, big openings, funny shit happens because people don't know how to process the fact that this has just happened. I've always found that like, after you you've written a book or you've done this, or you've done that, the worst thing about having to do with that entire process is afterwards, as you do say, as the rush kind of wears off, is that you have to do all the press around it. And you just constantly have to, you know, talk to ABC in Adelaide, you know, to the overnight guy who's like, you know, you just constantly having to be like, well, it's this, you know, it's that, you know, and then he's just like, tell me more about it. And that's what we're treating to you too right now, Oliver on the press run for Train Lord. You have to sell yourself time and time again. Right. And at a certain point, what was it recently?
I remember I sent, it was, yes, I sent something to someone where I was trying to, you know, you know, get on a show half as respectable as what we're on right now, fellas. And I remember I'd sent these questions in or like these responses. And I just remember like, as soon as I sent it, just feeling like, oh my God, like, it's just the most embarrassing thing I've ever, it's like you're groveling to try and sell something that you've made in order to make a life, in order to pay rent, in order to like, and at a certain point, I think it's like, if you have a kid, right, like, and they come up to you and they're like, oh yes, you are being a writer or something.
And it's like, you better make damn sure you live and breathe by these words. Like, because I think that's what it, you know, that's what it all comes back to. It really does come back to love. And there's a reason, you know, like why people do what they do. Right. And for most people, I think in this sphere as hard as this stuff is as hard as, you know, like almost jumping in front of a train is cause he couldn't figure it out. Like there's a reason why I'm still doing it.
It is love because while you're having these 10 month migraines and these meltdowns and you're descending into, you know, recreational drug use, it's kind of probably getting a bit too close to, uh, you know, you're blurring the lines between want and need. And meanwhile, anyone who's not in that world, like it just, I just think of that Dire Straits song. They think you're a rock star, like money for nothing and your chicks for free. You know, you've actually just, you're burned out. You've got a 10 month migraine, but fuck you're lucky.
You don't have to hold a shovel.
You know what I mean? Which is interesting because that's kind of what you went and did is through it all. Your brain told you to stop. You closed the laptop, you put down your pen and paper and you went and got a job on the Sydney trains. And was that, what was your thinking in that process? Was that just, you just needed to do something completely different or you just needed a job?
Uh, I just needed a job, you know, long story short and, uh, yeah, almost jumped in front of a train cause my doctors could help me. Uh, and then, yeah, really glad that I didn't, uh, went to Brisbane and sort of recuperated for three months, saw someone who I called the healer who wasn't a real doctor, but he, uh, he manipulated all the nerves in my neck and, uh, for the first time in, yeah, in the 10 months I didn't have a migraine. So by the end of that three months, I still couldn't look at screens or anything up close or laptops, for example. But, um, I wasn't for the most part in pain and that, and that felt like something. So I returned to, uh, Sydney cause I needed to get on with my life. I, you know, I couldn't just keep living at home. And, uh, one afternoon I took two, painkillers and I Googled no experience, full-time Sydney.
And, uh, this job on the railway came up and, um, so speed typed an application and sent it in. I still don't know what it said, but it was kind of a miracle to be honest, because there was something like 40,000 people who applied. And I think in my intake there were 20 or 30 jobs. And so I still don't know what I put it down to. You know, there were, there were three or four rounds of interviews. There was a role play. There was like a psych sort of evaluation.
It's sort of one of those miracle jobs that, uh, they call golden handcuffs because you make good money, like good money and bar any violence on the train, uh, or suicides or whatever have you like, it's pretty, it's vital. Like for sure it's vital, but it's like, it's pretty good apart from shift work as well.
So, and even the amount of, uh, you know, taxi drivers that you'd meet because you know, when you go to start at Flemmo or out at Leppington or whatever, they'll, they'll get you a taxi at like three in the morning to go do that. And, and you're just sitting there and the, and all you want to do is sleep and the taxi driver just wants to talk about your job so they can apply for the next year to get like, everyone wants it. Everyone wants it.
I found it quite interesting reading your book. It sounds like, I mean, obviously you're a writer, so you can articulate a lot of the things you're thinking.
And you highlight a lot of the darkness of those kinds of, you know, you've got all these different people from all these different backgrounds working in this job on the train lines. It's a unique kind of job. It's a job you have for life. And there's all these bizarre things that you have to deal with.
Like you said, suicides like, like there's violence, there's syringes, there's spitters. You kept referring to the spitters on the train, people that would spit and all the drama.
And then you kind of, there's a humor that develops eventually when you're in the kind of in the midst of this storm. I mean, I guess the good pay helps to take us through the kind of that egalitarian and that kind of a wild west you were in and, and how quickly did you stop becoming a writer? Yeah. I mean, there were so many stories, like beautiful stories. I think, you know, they, they always said, if you, if you hadn't heard a rumor before midday, make one up, which every day you show up and then you're sitting in the, in the break room and yeah, you'll start talking to people. Some of my favorite ones though, were just like, you know, just the old school stories, just hearing about like how all the train guards used to deal heroin.
So because they were on, they were on a, they're on a timetable, they're on a clock. People knew where they were going to be. Someone waiting outside the guard compartment.
Boom. Easy, easy done.
The other ones I were like, you know, more, more funny, like about the, the guards he used to, yeah, drink, they'd call a, it was a six pack on the way to, um, Oh my God, I can't believe I forgot a story. Anyway, they drink three beers on the way out and three on the way back. And that, that, that trip would be called a six pack.
What about the driver who, you know, he'd, he'd be wearing, yeah, these really dark glasses and he, and he'd be holding a cane. And so when you switch ends at each end of the train, he'd, he'd do that up the main, uh, the main platform at central. And people would just kind of be looking at him and then he'd take his keys and drop them on, on the, on the platform. And then, and then he'd open the door and get in and people would be like, what do you like?
It's so good. And I think, yeah, there was a real, uh, yeah, just a real, you know, you could still, a lot of the drive, I don't even know if I'm probably about to say this, but like a lot of the drivers and a lot of the guards would still just smoke in their guard compartments and stuff. Like it's true. The pilots do it up there having a dark you got to take care, you know, it's probably a safety pre-record or something, but, uh, and I suppose it, for me it was a really fascinating job because my identity as a writer ceased to matter or be a thing at all.
So all I had to do, all I had to do was do exactly what I was told. And after, you know, close to 10 years of doing the complete opposite, honestly, it was a relief, like not only the steady paycheck, but just here's when you're going to have lunch, here's when you need to show up. If you need to do overtime, we'll pay you this amount. We'll get you a taxi from here.
Like you really switched off. But then something interesting happened, I think where, you know, because at a certain point, I mean, I joked about it when I first got the job, right? Like I was like, oh, you know, the book's going to write itself, but I never even thought I was going to write again. And then I remember, yeah, like, you know, you got two minutes between, um, between stations. So say from like Redfern to Central or whatever. And so I would start, I was learning to trust my body again. And so I would start writing between stations in pencil or pen in my notebook while working on the train. And I would start trying to sketch moments from this 10 month migraine that I had experienced and trying to make sense of it, trying to come at it from different angles and, and sort of, you know, yeah, make it make sense. And I guess that became quite interesting because those tiny little, uh, those sketches started turning into paragraphs and those paragraphs started becoming parts of the book. So the book was kind of directly related to the trains in terms of structure, because for the most part, or at least the first half, it was all written between stations.
I often remember bearing witness to a lot of train guards who used to read while they were on, on the job. Who were you reading at the time? Yeah, I was reading a lot of, um, I love Tim O'Brien. I don't know if you've read The Things They Carried.
He's basically this Vietnam war. He went to the war in Vietnam.
Um, he didn't want to go, but he went and then he, yeah, became this prolific writer and he sort of, that book's like a masterclass in storytelling of, um, yeah, looking at memory and truth and fiction and trauma and humor and how you might be able to bring all those together to sort of tell a tale. I remember I was also, yeah, reading a lot of, um, uh, Roberto Bolano, you know, Bolano, yeah, he, he's amazing. Also like Natalia Ginsberg, uh, Valeria Luiselli, a book that I discovered recently that I can't believe you hadn't read. Have you guys read Peter Carey's Bliss? No, no, I've read a lot of his stuff, but I haven't read Bliss. This is the first book he ever wrote and it completely floored me. I read it not so long. I read it a couple of years ago when I was doing the Overland and, um, it feels like something that was written today and published almost by an American. All I want to say is just read it because as an Australian writer writing something in the late eighties, it's like, it's, yeah, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly ahead of its time.
So that'd be my hot tip. Yeah. So you, you, you're writing, and I now can see that in your book, the structure, like it feels like a train time table, your book because it does weave in and out of the story you're telling. And then, and now that I, now I know these little sketches that you're writing in two minutes, you know, between platforms and, and whatever, whatever else we would have run into you after you'd just taken the job at maybe one of your readings or writers festivals or something along those lines. And I remember there was a yarn you were telling about you were, I mean, at that point, and it was, you know, back to what you were saying before, this book's going to write itself. You had plans to read your book over the PA on the bus to, uh, you know, to treat the, uh, the passengers to whatever it was you were writing. But you ended up just from what I can read in, in, in the finished book as you were just trolling them, you know, welcome to Ashfield or should I say Pashfield for all your singles? Very good stuff. Yeah. Or, or that one about, you know, how you're coming in to Rockdale and it was named after the Rock Johnson.
Was that, was that the writer? Was that the writer or was that just you being a lifer on the trains?
I think that was just me looking to inject a little bit of humor into the whole situation because we've got these little cameras, you know, and so you're sitting back there and again, it was a miracle that I could leave and look at those again, but I just kind of like sit there and just be looking, just looking and looking and looking. And then, and then at a certain point it just seemed like really, really obvious yet to kind of start either doing accents. So I did an Irish one for a while. I'd be, I'd be Dara, Dara from, uh, from Cork Boyo.
And I would kind of say, attention customers. I hope you have a bloody brilliant night tonight. And I hope you're centered express if you're coming into King's Cross. Bye. Have a good one.
And then like there was like, there was like a creepy American guy as well. I used to do, but yeah, that the best one was sort of, yeah, just the, the, the really dad joked kind of like, yeah, attention customers next stop is Ashfield. But for all you singles out there, we call it Pashfield. But then I, then I'd start calling people like, I'd be like, you love it.
Don't you look at you, look at you. And, and I think, I don't know.
It was, it was something that, well, I'm glad I didn't get fired for it, but I think, you know, people would get off the train and they'd sort of come up to you and they'd, they just have a little grin on their face. And I think you've had a long day at the office, you know, Nancy's talking at the coffee machine about who bloody knows what, and all you want to do is just sit back on your train and relax a little bit. And I think, you know, train guards might have a larger responsibility. You're there for the safety of the passengers, but you can also, you can also just try a little bit to inject, you know, kindness and humor in this world go a long way, I think. And, uh, yeah, that, that felt quite important. Like it was a joke, but it kind of felt as much about making me laugh as about making other people laugh too.
So. Tell us about the people that you met on the trains. You obviously, as a rider, you can find yourself, you're writing about unique experiences. You're writing about upbringings, you're writing about all these people, you know, and all these different scenarios, but that can become an echo chamber, you know, these writers festivals and these readings. And, you know, when you do get that contract, you end up going up to the top of a skyscraper to sign a book deal. You know what I mean? And kind of each kind of success, uh, which is, is quite well articulated in your book. Each success takes you further away from not only yourself, but further away from a base of people that you'd like to read your stuff. Did you find yourself, you found yourself kind of re integrating in society and, and even more so, did you find yourself in your own little echo chamber of you and your new pals on the, on the railway? Yeah.
Well, I mean, that's the interesting thing about the railway rights. It's the great leveler beyond the passengers, everyone taking trains.
What was fascinating about the job is it's like, you know, there are people who used to be pilots, who used to be doctors, used to be architects, people who just come out of school as young as 18 and as old as 84. It was, it was a super mixed bag of people who had, who had come to this job. It wasn't just your inner West sort of lefties. It wasn't your people who just, uh, you know, whatever side of the spectrum you've got, you're kind of, a lot of people were in there. And so, yeah, to be able to mix with, um, with, uh, yeah, you know, Zaid, he used to be a transit cop and had a baby on the way versus Dave.
Yeah. He used to be a pilot and telling me like, you'd be a, you'd be mad to quit. Like, you're insane. Like, you know, you're on house money here. Like don't fuck it up.
Uh, you know, Cheryl, who used to, you know, tell me I was too skinny and give me half of a lunch every day and then start bringing an extra lunch for me just cause I, you know, I've just got a fast metabolism. I was eating.
Um, but yeah, there was, I think it's so easy to write to get caught up in your own little world. And, but then the interesting thing about that job too, is like you are in just a little box by yourself for eight hours a day. And so you go from, yeah, once this quite, uh, egalitarian sort of, um, environment to something extremely internal and personal. And I think, you know, that, that, yeah, it was also a bit of a shock for me and, uh, you know, yeah, loneliness can be a huge thing on the railway, but I think one of the huge learnings for me as well was just being able to sit with myself too and just be okay to be alone just to, you know, and after a while I sort of, yeah, I grew to crave it.
There were times where, yeah, you'd pass Ollie at the Glengarry and then you'd run through the park at Central and then you'd end up at, uh, yeah, Central Station and get on your train. And sometimes that's when I started researching certain stories about, yeah, the railway that, that didn't make the book. Like, like you know how Central Station is built on a graveyard.
Yeah. And there's also, there's like a gun range underneath there too, uh, next to, uh, where you can, yeah, shoot, you can shoot guns in a, in a tunnel. I think it's the, what's it called? It's like the, it's some association to do with the railway and um, yeah, they've got a shooting range in a tunnel and then in the tunnel next to it, they grow mushrooms. I have heard about the mushrooms, did not hear about the guns though. And then they had another one at St James that they were going to turn into an underground pool at some point.
Did you find in those, um, you know, in that box by yourself, is this where the migraine ended? Did you feel it dissipate or was this kind of journey you were on, uh, what you needed? Yeah, it certainly dissipated. It came and went on the railway. So there were, there would be days when it was fine.
There'd be days it wasn't fine, but I had these routines and rituals I had to do every morning. So if I was starting work at seven then I'd wake up at five 30 and I knew I had to like twist my neck 30 times one way, 30 times another. I had to do all these stretches. I came a bit OCD about it and that basically worked for a while until yeah, another sort of a relationship broke down in my life and I had a bit of a secondary crisis that caused it again. And um, yeah, I always knew that exercise helped. Uh, and, and so I just started running a lot and I would run from, you know, Redfern to Bondi or to Bronte or whatever.
And I remember one day I kind of finished this run and I just, and I just looked at the sky and I just prayed and I said like, please, like whoever, just give me a sign and I opened my eyes and across the road there was a sign and it was like, do you get back pain, neck pain, skyship pain? And anyway, and so I went, I couldn't look at screens again at this point and I called my brother on my burner phone and it was something called a roll phone and I spoke to Harry and, and he was like, listen, he's a paramedic as well. He's like, listen mate, like I don't know what the hell this is. It's probably a scam, but yeah, like go check it out. And so I showed up to this mansion sort of overlooking the water and not inspiring. A lot of confidence felt definitely like a scam. And I told him the whole story, but in the end, what he told me really saved me.
And he said, he's like, I need you to read a book. And I was like, I can't read, I can't read. Like, you know, what aren't we understand? Like I can't read.
And he said, I know, I know, I know. But, but you know, let me just ask you two questions. He said, are you a people pleaser? And I said, ah, like, you know, if I'm honest, like, yeah, I probably have that tendency. And then he said, are you a perfectionist? And I said, ah, not really, but in my writing, I'm obsessive.
And he basically introduced me to the work of a Dr. John Sarno. He used to be the leading back rehabilitation specialist at NYU in the nineties. And he'd written a book called healing back pain. And basically what Dr. John Sarno said was, you know, he'd done all these tests. He'd been doing back surgery and all these people with chronic, with back pain, uh, slipped discs, bulging discs, but nothing was helping.
So he started asking people about their childhoods, about their stresses, about their lives, their marriages, their work, and what he came up with, which has sort of since been, um, improved upon, I would say, but his basic thing was when you repress guilt and rage, unconsciously, your body is going to manifest that in some capacity. And so all you need to do basically is sit in those uncomfortable emotions and feel whatever you're feeling, stop repressing and pushing away. And then the symptom will go away. And it sounds really easy. And it, you know, kind of sounds a bit woo-woo, but it's not, it's just mind, body connection, right? Like you, you get embarrassed, you go red or, you know, other things happen to your unmentionables or, uh, you like, it was foundational for me and listening to, you know, you treated people like Larry David, uh, Howard Stern like some real skeptical people.
Yeah. Like the type of people that would be the first to call something woo-woo, you know, you start, yeah. Harry's David, the Larry David and Stern. Yeah. You started seeing results. Yeah. And, and, and yeah, basically by the end of working on the railway, I did, I mean, it wasn't just that, like I went to six sort of sessions with psychotherapists. I read that book maybe 30 times. Yeah.
It did a lot of, you know, sort of free riding in a chart. It took maybe like three months to kind of get to the bottom of it. And then I decided that I was going to quit the railway and then I needed to write this book. I still felt like there was something, there was a, these narratives were inside me and I needed to do something with them and I finally could. And at that point I'd saved up, yeah, 25 grand. And that's when I decided I was going to spend every last cent trying to write this book and I moved to Barcelona and then Albania and then Georgia. And yeah, it got down to about the last couple of hundred dollars and then got the book deal and this grant that took me back to Georgia. So I'm not saying, you know, bet everything on a dream, but for me, it ended up working out. So, yeah. So was that the trigger for you to leave the railway was that you couldn't write the book and work on the railway at the same time?
I felt like I was too close to it in Sydney. I was too close to, to the pain and I needed, yeah, I needed an out, but yeah, I want to talk about a few strange coincidences that started happening. I remember, you know, my favorite library in Sydney is the one in Waverley. And, um, and I was interested in dreams. I started having these kinds of dreams and I wanted to know what they were. So I'd already booked my ticket to Barcelona and basically like I got this book on dreams and I put it next to my bedside table and at a certain point I opened it up and there was a bookmark in there and the bookmark was from Biblioteca de Catalunya, which means Barcelona or Catalunya libraries. And I was like, I've already booked my ticket to Barcelona. And there's a bookmark on here, a little bit strange, little bit strange, but I didn't let it go to the head. And so I ended up, yeah, going to Barcelona. And then when I was there and I was sort of having a hard time writing this, you know, what essentially was trying to relive a certain amount of trauma. And then I remember being like, I wonder like where that library was. And so I got the bookmark and I typed it into Google and then it turned out it was right next to where I was living.
A little blue dot came up and it was about 20 meters away. It had been built in like the 17 hundreds.
And so, you know, I walked over there and I was reading Roberto Bolano at the time. And I knew Bolano had kind of, uh, he'd lived in Barcelona. So I started doing some research and then I was like, I wonder where Bolano wrote, I wonder where he wrote. And I found this old article that had been translated and I was living in Raval and he had been too. And so I typed that in. And then I started walking and I started walking and then I started realizing that I was sort of walking towards where I'd been riding each day in this cafe. And then I got to the cafe and it was the same cafe and around this little corner that I'd never been to was a plaque. There's a plaque that said, Roberto Bolano lived on the second floor of this building in, in like whatever time and wrote here.
And I had these like shivers, right? Because for me, you know, I'd burned through half the money I'd saved. I had the first chapter of this book done.
That was it. But I kind of felt that maybe I was on like a right sort of path. And I know it's like also the woo-woo to, to kind of think about that, but at the same time, I kind of think like how much more interesting. Yeah. Can consider that something might, something larger than you might be sort of, uh, yeah, sort of happening. And, uh, anyway, yeah, these can coincidences kind of like kept happening, but that was the first one that, yeah, kind of made me, you know, riding can be a pretty lonely profession and sometimes you need to take what you can get. That's undeniable.
Those like from Waverly library to your cafe in Barcelona, you can't really ignore those, those omens, I guess you'd say. And then obviously you had the very lucky accident of fucking up your visa in Spain and ending up in the caucus. Are you finding that kind of loneliness or have you shacked up what's going on over there? Have you, are you, are you, you've got it, you've got it. You've got a crowd in the scene there now.
Is there also a cost of living crisis there? There is a cost of, I mean, yeah, you know, you can't talk about Georgia without talking about the war and, um, you know, we've, uh, I'm here with my partner Holly and say I came in 2019, but, uh, you know, then in Vero where we live or an old town, you know, you could sort of rent an apartment for 300 us a month, maybe 400 if you wanted something nice. When we then arrived back in January, that sort of had been jumped to about like 600 to 700 us. And nowadays, since the war, so we arrived about three weeks before it started, you'd be hard pressed to get an apartment here for less than 13 or 1400 us dollars if you, if you hadn't.
And I guess, yeah, to understand why that is, it's, uh, you know, when the war started, there was a huge influx of Russians who have come here and the situation is really complex because Russia occupies 20% of Georgia, so South Ossetia and Abkhazia. Um, and then you've got political and economical refugees who are coming from Russia to Georgia. So you've got an oppressor and you've also got sort of the refugee situation. And either way, a lot of the Georgians that are my friends feel like they're being squeezed out of their country. And the rapid pace of gentrification here, uh, yeah, is pretty astounding. So there's heaps of graffiti everywhere that basically says, fuck Russia, fuck Putin. Uh, it's, it's like, it's really, really intense. And I also have a lot of Russian friends too and a lot of friends that have been here since before the war. And, you know, like, yeah, it's, it's really, really difficult, but I think, you know, you, you talk to them and a lot of people are anti Putin, anti Russia, people are here for the right reasons. People are here because yeah, they don't want to, um, yeah, sort of support and live under that regime.
But, um, yeah, you know, lots of the nightclubs won't let Russian people in or if they do, you've got to sign an oath saying that you, uh, yeah, Russia and Putin is a war criminal. One of the local bars here, the Dana Bar got cyber hacked by Russians not so long ago because they made, they tried to make one of the people, um, yeah, sign this oath and he wouldn't do it. And then two days later, their website got redirected to a pro Kremlin website and all their, all their systems went down.
So. Do you reckon there's another book there? Yeah, I reckon mate. Yeah, I reckon there'll be something. I mean, that's why I'm here, but I also feel like I'm just, I'm so in it right now.
You know, I, I'm writing and I'm, and I'm exploring things and I've finally started sort of writing about Georgia, but no one knows what's going to happen with this war. I think, you know, for a long time, people in Georgia were pretty scared that, you know, Putin was going to come over here and do that. And while that's still definitely a possibility, I think everyone's just watching Ukraine sort of holding their breath.
Uh, you know, I mean they were here in 2008 here last, so the memories of that are still pretty fresh. So, um, it's full on, but yeah, but there's also a huge, deep love here too. So, yeah. Well mate, we look forward to reading that. I obviously, there's so much more I need to know about Georgia now I'm learning, but I'll wait for the Oliver Moll book about that in the meanwhile, everyone listening, get your hands on a copy of train Lord. It's out now.
And, um, as, as you would deduce from this interview, it's, you know, it's, it's a, it's a roller coaster of humor and pain. Sounds so painful mate. Um, for a book that's about a 10 month migraine, you're actually quite generous in not making it all about the 10 month migraine. It's a, yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of comedy and there's a lot of a lightness in it too.
So, um, thanks for sharing that with the world over. We should plug the audio book too, because we have a lot of people who listen to our podcasts on tractors. So if you want to download the book, it's voiced by Oliver. So it's, it's, it's the same voice that lots of people down there in Sydney would have heard as they were traveling to and from work. So it's the authentic voice just as the story was meant to be told. Yeah. Get your hands on the audio book if that's how you do it in the tractor.
And we're going to finish this interview now with some of those train announcements that Oliver made when he was on the job and he felt like lightning of runs day. Thanks guys. Appreciate you having me on and uh, yeah, hope it remains sunny and beautiful. |
cracked | people_used_to_send_babies_through_the_mail | People used to send babies through the mail. When the U.S. Post Office started delivering packages weighing more than 4 pounds in 1913, people sent anything and everything, and apparently anyone. With the new parcel service in effect, an Ohio couple wrapped and mailed their 10 and 3 quarter pound infant, with an insured value of 50 bucks, to his grandmother a mile away for the low price of 15 cents, or $4.14 in 2021 dollars. Postage was cheaper than buying a train ticket, which is why the parents of May Pierstorff stuck 53 cents worth of stamps on their 6 year old's coat, and got her placed in a train's mail compartment. She was delivered to her grandmother's house on the other side of Idaho in time for lunch. If you're wondering how it was legal to mail all these kids to their grandparents, it wasn't. While anyone can send live animals back and forth, there appear to be no specific regulation about parents shoving their kid into an envelope, until the post office finally decided that children don't qualify as a parcel post. So if you already rushed out to pawn off little Michael onto Pop Pop for the weekend, you might want to get him out of that mailbox. |
TheOnion | It_s_A_Mom_s_Right_To_Decide_Whether_Her_Kids_Ride_A_Stranger_s_Dog | Friends, I am sorry to vent, but I am sick and tired of strangers telling me to get my kids off their dog at the public park. Call me old fashioned, but in the Devlin family, we still ride dogs. I mean, kids are kids. If there is a dog in the area, they're going to climb onto it and ride it like a fast little horse. A lot of dog owners love it, but many times people give me dirty looks and eye rolls like my kids don't belong at the park on their dogs. And then today, little Jackson climbed aboard this adorable Rottweiler and the crazed owner starts yelling at me.
Of course, I ignored him.
Maybe you and your dog wish you lived in a world with no children, but I live in the real world where my kids ride your dogs. And if you don't like it, don't take your dog to the park where kids are. Don't bring your dog to the coffee shop. Don't walk your dog near the library. Don't tie your dog up outside the bodega because children will be there and they will ride your dog. If there's a kid riding your dog, let go of the leash.
If he needs to steer, he can tug on the ears. I mean, I remember when I was a little girl, I rode dogs all the time. My weds rode a beautiful yellow lab right down Gilbert Street in Duxbury, Massachusetts, fast as the wind.
And did anyone yell? No.
They waved and honked and said, way to go, Gracie, ride that dog. They put it in the newspaper that Sunday. You guys get it. Of all the photos I post, the dog riding ones are your favorites judging by the comments you leave on my blog.
But nowadays, it seems like all of society would rather pick on a mom for letting her kids have a little fun. After that Rottweiler owner complained to the police, a cop actually got involved. He told me to remove my kids from the dog's back. Maybe police departments should be solving murders and robberies instead of trampling on my rights as a mother. Listen, I will never submit to an unjust law. Even if I am arrested and locked up and thrown away in a dungeon, my children will continue to clutch onto every dog they see and ride them full speed while I snap wonderful photos because I refuse to apologize for being a good mom.
That's it for now, moms. I'm going to take a frustration nap. In the meantime, remember, the biggest monster in the room is often the tiniest problem in your past.
Thanks for watching. I'll see you in the next video. Bye. |
dropout | modern_warfare_soldier_comes_home | Hey mom, whatcha doin? Cooking dinner. I miss daddy. We all do. Mommy, what's that? Surprise. Daddy, daddy, daddy! Oh my god! How are you babe? Hey, hey, it's dad. Hey, support.
I thought you weren't due back home until January. Yeah, the internet went out so I'm back. Daddy, you need a shower.
Oh yeah? I was over there for a long time pumpkin. Over there? Yeah, over there on the couch.
Well, dinner's ready so why don't we all sit down? Oh, that's great. Home cooked meal babe. I've been living off rations way too long. Whoa! Bradley, dinner. Sit down. Coming.
What was it like over there? It was awful sweetie. I saw a lot of terrible things and I lost a lot of buddies over there. Whoa. One of your friends died?
Yeah, all of them. Like 50 times each.
And then last week my buddy Todd got his live account banned because he called the CEO a fag. It's a tragedy. He had an insane kill streak going and he almost got the nuke. Your father is a hero.
Please don't say that. There's nothing glamorous about modern warfare, Margaret. I do a lot of things that I'm not proud of back there.
I got a headshot on this nuke and I ran up and dipped my balls in his face. I T-backed him. He was just a boy. About your age. I said he was from Cleveland.
Honey, calm down. No, I can't. Look at me. How am I supposed to calm down?
I had the best KD in the whole clan. So the Sergeant pins an achievement on my chest? Great. What the fuck do I have to show for it?
Where's my parade? And Margie, I got some more hot pockets. What's he doing here?
I'm so sorry. I think I was ever coming back either. The game is really good. Hey, dad. Does this mean I can play now? I'm sorry, bud. I gotta go back. You're going back? I thought you said that you were done. That we could be a family again. Sorry, honey.
My clan needs me. We got a pretty hardcore deathmatch at 1800. Come on! A rocket launcher? A fucking cheaper you! |
SaturdayNightLive | wired_autocomplete_interview_snl | All right, my turn. Is Dina Sullivan single? Um, I'm gonna plead the fifth. Come on, boring. Okay, it's my turn, y'all. Is Zach Elliot the guy who lost full control of his bowels on that Delta flight and the plane had to turn around? What? dude, that's crazy man, I passed. man. All right, very cool. All right. Okay, my turn. All right. is Sean Mcevins a millionaire? Ooh, a lady never tells. But yes. Sean Gross, dude. All right, my turn is Terence Escobedo shorter than Dina Sullivan? you tell me. oh, that's so embarrassing. All right, my turn again. Zach Elliot.
Diarrhea smells so bad on Delta flight that oxygen masks came down. So many more interesting things to google about me in this like dumb Delta thing.
I collect sneakers right-handed. Oh that's awesome. yeah, right handed. very cool. Very cool.
All right. my turn. All right, does Sean Mcevins have tattoos? Yes, I have one. it's the word open-minded across my entire chest. That's a good question. I mean, like, maybe I have tattoos too. All right, then goes that. All right. Thanks.
Okay, why did Zach Elliot go to the bathroom in his seat instead of using the airplane toilet? this again, bro, the seatbelt sign was on. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I would break the law. Someone else go. Has Dina Sullivan heard black box recording of pilot on Zach Elliot Delta flight?
No, I haven't Can we play it? Don't play it, please.
It's a Delta Heavy 194 requesting return to airport Copy: Delta 194. Is there a mechanical failure? Negative? That's Zach Elliot guys. Why is everyone so obsessed with this Delta thing which could happen to anyone who ate six and he ends meat and bean pretzels right before boarding?
I mean, do you guys know I started a children's charity? Like nothing about that. whatever. I guess helping sick kids doesn't get clicks.
All right, I'll just go. All right. Does Sean Mcevins a volunteer with Zach Elliot's charity? Hey, there you go, Zach. Finally.
Oh, wait, I think it continues on the back. Actually a charity that he started to help kids on the Delta flight afflicted with diarrhea long her grandma was a Nazi just during the war. |
SaturdayNightLive | rocket_report_first_subway_ride_saturday_night_live | And now, this week's edition of The Rocket Report. New York City, and we're in the Subways with our host, Charlene Tilton, who's never ridden the Subway before in your life. Charlene, you look excited. I am. it stinks down here. she says it stinks. What a comment on New York's subway system already from the girl from L.a. As we're waiting for the subway to stop, Charlene. we'll have to let people. Okay, well, no people getting out as we get on the Subway for the first time, and we see lots of people here on the Subway. she's reading a letter to you. what do you think? they have lots of stereo equipment. they probably. there must be a gang of thieves, I guess. are you thieves, then? If you can, speak slowly, I really understand. if you steal all this stuff. Yeah, not yet. this definitely looks like a new Subway from as opposed to some of the older ones. New York is so famous for it. for your first ride on the subway, it would have been nice to go with total authenticity, but this looks pretty real right now, I think.
Yeah, where are the muggers? Where are the muggers? Charlene wants to know where the muggers are. have you seen it?
Have you ever had a bad experience on the Subway? Yes. What happened?
I hit a man because he was fooling around, so I hit him. And I brought my umbrella over him.
There go the lights. is that a bad sign? it's hard to know. Charlene, what do you think right now so far? I'm gonna get out my magic marker so I can add to some of this decoration. Charlene wants to actually put some graffiti on the New York Subway. it's not working. Well, you started in the dark. it didn't come out too legible. No, it sure didn't. Well, anyway, you've got the gist of it. said I love Charlie Rock. Yes, and you've just committed a crime, Charlene. Well, it's not justification for her to mark up the Subway. she wouldn't mark her own clothes off. so I don't think it's justification. So you're a little upset about her graffiti. encourages. and you shouldn't run at all. Oh, well. yeah, you know, you try something, Charlene, and oftentimes it just doesn't work out.
Saying goodbye to some of the kids she's met here, Charlene Tilton. Okay, ready? here we go. I'll hang on to you. these guys are about to get out of the next stop, which illustrates how you can't ride forever as we head off the subway after your first ride, right off to the platform here. And we say goodbye to the New York Subway system and all the commuters that are on the train.
My wallet didn't even get stolen. I still have a purse in my hand. your wallet got stolen? Oh, it didn't get stolen. nothing exciting. you had me scared there for a minute.
Charlene Tilton says nothing exciting about the New York Transit Authority's subway system, her first ride, a non-event. is that true? an event. Charles Rocket with Charlene Tilton in New York, in the Subways. We'll see you again some other time. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Anna_Broinowski_the_Only_Western_Filmmaker_to_Access_NORTH_KOREA_s_Film_Propaganda_Industry | Greetings, humans and cinephiles, and welcome to the last video store, a bastion of the world of film, cinema, and movies, where we have a mythical place amongst us, we're in it right now, where every single film ever made is on the shelf, and you can rent it to watch it and enjoy it.
My name is Alexi Tolleopoulos, yes, and I pronounce that exactly right, Alexi Tolleopoulos. Tolleopoulos is how I would say it, and it's how you have to say it as well, you can't screw up my surname.
But, I'm the host of this show, and I'm the clerk of the last video store, the titular program, and joining me every week, I've got interesting people talking about some of their favorite movies. And on the podcast, on the show this week, is my hero, my personal mentor, my filmmaking idol, it is documentarian Anna Bronowski. Anna is instrumental to who I am as a storyteller, she was my mentor, my guider, my consulting producer with my collaborator Cameron James, on our documentary series Finding Drago, its sequel Finding Desperado. And its threequel Finding Jesus. Anna has always been an inspiration to me and such a big backer. She was in fact the first person I ever told about that story when I first started cooking it up, because she was my instructor and lecturer and tutor at film school. And I was already a humongous fan of her work, because the film Forbidden Lies, which is her expose of an investigative documentary on a hoax author, was just one of those documentaries that struck me at a really personal, prominent time in my life, a prominent age, when I was a teenager. I saw it in the cinemas with my dear old mum, and I knew that I was like, one day I want to tell stories like this, maybe I'll find the right story to tell a documentary with. And it just always stuck with me, it's just that primary text for the stuff that I wanted to make. And ever since then she's been a personal friend, a hero, a champion, and someone that I just respect almost more than anybody else on earth. So it is my honour, my pleasure to have her in the last video store to go through her best new release pick, her two weeklies, and then I have the difficult choice of finding a unique bespoke personalised recommendation for her based on her taste and everything I know about her.
Anna has also just written a memoir called That's an Angel, that's an angel, it's like a road trip. She describes it as a frickin' feminist mad max, drugs and violence fuelled memoir full of darkly funny stories. She's such a wicked brain, so I think, I'm very excited to see her trying new forms and new mediums to express her true stories and combining them with narrative and stuff.
So yeah, pre-order this, order it, this is a personal copy for me that she has signed, so it's an honour. But let's get into it, let's talk to Anna, let's talk film, let's talk cinema, let's discuss movies. Here we go.
I really love the collection. It's a beautiful collection.
It's awesome, I really want to watch that one and that one. Yeah, I think that one is, yeah that's a good movie over there, it's a great one.
Yeah, I just like the colour of the cover. Of course, it's a beautiful colour, beautiful colour.
I mean they're a bit generic but that one really caught my eye. They're generic, that is definitely, the ones we have on display directly around us, they are of the generic nature. And don't go opening the boxes because all you'll find is a frickin' empty space.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what is contained inside each box is a dream, a dream of entering the world of film. And not only that, it's a video DVD dream, isn't it? Absolutely, video DVD dream.
With 80s undertones. There are some 80s undertones around here, there's some mysticism as well. The decor. Oh, a bit of 90s new age. A little bit of 90s new age.
Obviously we've got everything covered, every vibe, every aroma is also in this gear store. We've collected all the aromas as well.
I haven't been in a video store like this since 1989.
Wow, okay, wow, wow. So we're going to be unlocking some memories for you today, I'm sure. If I still have them, they do say that if you can remember the 80s you weren't there. Wow. But, you know. Yeah, but you still have the memories of film. I do. That's all it is. Let's take a go back to them. Let's try. We've got one of your films out on loan currently. Right.
This is a late copy, a copy of Forbidden Lies, one of my favorite movies, one of my greatest influences. It's currently on loan to another member of the video store, Cameron James. I lent this film to him probably six or seven years ago.
Yeah, right. When we first started working with you. Yeah.
He's never returned it to me. I've never, I've always tried to find it. I don't know where it is anymore.
Right. But Forbidden Lies, your documentary film about hoax author Norma Khoury. Yep.
If I was on the other side of this desk right now, if I was in your seat and I was interviewing myself, it would probably be in my batch of weeklies. It's one of the films that means the most to me and probably one of my greatest influences. As you already know, we made a series that definitely is in the lineage along from that. It's like the, what would you say, progeny?
I'm one of your children. You're my mentor? Yes, you are. You're one of my hoax children. One of your hoax children.
Not only that, you shared a last name with Norma's alleged ties to the Greek mafia ex-husband, John Tolleopolis. Yes. So when you first rang me to say you wanted to work with me on something you like, Forbidden Lies, I almost didn't take the call, especially when you said you were Tolleopolis, because I've always lived in fear. That they're going to come back to you? Yeah, yeah.
And I still don't know to this day, Alexei. I'm playing a very long game.
Am I? Am I not?
Connected to the Greek mob in Chicago?
Who knows? It's why I've kept you close. Yeah. Keep your enemies close. Yeah. And your friends closer? Yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course you're my friend. You instilled in me something that is so core to my approach to factual storytelling, which is so apparent in Forbidden Lies, because in that film, you are working with this hoax author who wrote this book called Forbidden Love about... What's the term? It's a...
An honor killing of her best friend. And she passed it off as the truth.
And it was sold, I think, in 15 different languages and countries for... Worldwide bestseller.
Yeah. Six figure advances, unheard of for a first time author, just before the illegal invasion of Iraq, when potboiler memoirs about evil Arabs and their oppressed women were doing gangbusters in the West, and there's still... Forbidden Lies is full of it, but one of the big unanswered questions, the conspiracies that's part of that film is, who was Norma really working with to be out there peddling this basically fake book? Yeah.
And you're an expert on hoax authors and hoaxers. The thing that you instilled in me that I found so interesting and so part of how I approach things now is the idea of believing your subjects as much as you can, believe them until you don't believe them. Why is that your approach? Why do you think that is the way to tell factual stories like this in that manner?
I don't think I had a choice with Norma. She was such a brilliant improviser. She's someone who's a confabulist. She lives life, finds life at a normal level very boring. She's high level mensa, and for her spinning stories was as natural as breathing, and she got bored if she wasn't.
So it was a cat and mouse game, and within 12 hours of interviewing her, she conned me too. She was that good. So I can't sit here and say, yeah, Lexi, I'm an expert on hoax authors. She was so good, she conned me too. And I think that was why the journey kind of works because it's only as my kind of delusions about her start to peel away that I realized that this is a kind of catch me if you can with women, and I'm bumbling Tom Hanks, and she's Leonardo DiCaprio with her mercurial charm and always 10 steps ahead of me. Why did I embrace everything she said? Well, at the beginning, yes, I believed her. After a while, I didn't, but it's just great material.
Films about people who lie are fascinating. Look at dangerous liaisons. Look at talented Mr. Ripley. There's something really exciting for an audience to look straight into the eyeballs of an actor and not know if they're lying or telling the truth.
And I use the word actor on purpose. Norma is an actor. She is a performer. She's constantly telling a yarn. And the joy for the viewer and indeed, you know, the filmmaker and the on the other side of lenses.
Hang on. Is she for real here? Is she not? Why can't I tell?
It's kind of like watching magician pull off this fantastic illusion, you know, you're being conned. But the fascination and the spectacle comes from how did they just do that? The other thing is, I think real life is no different from fiction in a way we all act.
We're all putting on masks. You know, here I am in your lovely 80s video store with my 80s video. I've been here before mask on, but we're all in a green screen studio.
Sorry. Spoiler. No, no, no. It's real. But do you know what I mean? It's about that artifice, right? Yeah.
And the camera doesn't lie. And I think there's a reason Dangerous Liaisons, one of the greatest films about dissemblers ever was mostly shot in close up, even though they spent gazillions on the wide shots and the sets. And the producers were really pissed off when the filmmaker and the editor ended up just going for the close ups. Because it's being inside john Malkovich's face while he's lying or Glenn Close or the young close reading the young Uma Thurman, it's electric.
So for me, Norma's story, it had to be Docker because it if you'd made it up, people would have said, I don't believe this script. And yet, paradoxically, it made it a fantastic con movie in the same style as all the other con movies I've ever studied to make the film, The Sting, Ocean's 11, you name it, all of them. If for fake, I mean, I watched every great heist movie I could find. And then all I had to do was kind of plug and play Norma's various conspiracies and lies into that structure, because she was working on the same thing, the con, and she's just such a fascinating subject.
But I would say I love the way you talk about it. Because I mean, for me, when I think about communicating to audiences, I always put it this way that genre is a language that audiences are completely fluent in, yet they're unaware of that, unlike how fluent they are in it. So I think the way that documentary filmmakers and factual filmmakers can use genre as a way to just to slowly or to really quickly communicate to an audience to understand something on a deeper level, and or to find that resonance there. I think it's the thing that has probably drawn me to factual storytelling the most interesting, but also, you know, you also love you're a cineast. You love fiction, right?
And funnily enough, this is the right time in the history of cinema to be drawn to factual because we're now in a post truth age. Absolutely. The 21st century is no longer about docobox over here, fiction over here. Everything is blending. It's all the hybridity now, right? Look at AI, look at text to video, everything is up for grabs. There is no such thing anymore as evidentiary videos, the truth, anything can be faked.
So Forbidden Lies also, the meta narrative of that is believe no one, especially if they're saying they're giving you a documentary. But I think there's a big caveat here, talking about audience. Audiences are familiar with this language, they understand like everyone's got a camera, everyone's a filmmaker now. Citizen filmmakers, Ziga Vertov predicted them in 1929 and now here they are. He was right, okay? So my feeling is, I feel I'm obliged to any person watching my films, especially Forbidden Lies, any doco, is that if I'm going to use illusion and trickery and artifice and basically with them, I need to let them in on the con at some point on the machinations of the illusion. And Forbidden Lies was one of the first films to do that, to be honest. And I was inspired, in other words, reveal the paraphernalia just sitting out of frame that enabled you to green screen Norma or to- The meta-textuality.
Yeah, zoom through the porthole and now everyone's doing it. You look anywhere, everyone's doing it even. You know that it's an old idea when Channel 7's doing it, right? Or the 730 report on the ABC, ooh, let's get them to stare down the barrel and then show the camera in the wide shot, oh my God.
But back then it was very new and kind of radical. And the one film that inspired me to do that was American Splendor. Oh my God, of course. Which is an awesome film.
Fantastic Paul Giamatti performance based on the graphic novel series. Exactly, and has him narrating the real words of the actual graphic novelist.
Pica. Henry Pica? George Pica. Pica and has real people and actors, right?
And I was so inspired by that film. I just thought, I'm making a film about a con artist who lies as often as she breathes pretty much, who deals with what she calls faction, which was a term that wasn't very familiar back then. That gives me carte blanche ethically and creatively as a filmmaker to also con the audience, but let them in on it. Because what I really want to do, and this goes back to my training as an actor, I never went to film school, is I want the audience to feel what it was like to be one of Norma's victims or to feel what it's like to be in that white studio with her as she just, oh, Anna, you're so full of shit. I did this because of this. And to me it's visceral, right?
So what's more truthful, interviewing Norma with a couple of photographs from her life behind her in a talking head or actually taking you inside what it is to be conned by Norma? What's more truthful? What's more authentic? And of course, like what is a better way to present a subject than using like the style or the way that the subject presents themselves?
That's right. So I'm sure you are too, but I'm a big believer that every film finds its form. Idea first, then how you're going to tell it. Yeah. And speaking of that, so actually perfect lead way into this because about the idea of storytelling and fact and fiction, you're approaching a new medium for storytelling right now.
You've just written your, not your first book, but your first memoir, That's an Angel, which is like a recollection of almost like your first days of adulthood, right? Yeah, I was really dumb, but yeah, it's a coming of age story.
Thank you. That really overt and generous plug on a show about which this has nothing to do with actually, except it's a cute cover. It's a great cover, but you know, it's your style. It's cinematic style.
It's called That's an Angel and it's coming of age story. It's got a lot of people who are now famous in it, so I've hidden a lot of names and in fact I often thought of Norma while I was writing it going, am I doing the right thing? Is this truthful? Is it not? Everything in the story happened and what were my film touch points?
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Of course, because it's like a road story that you've got here. It is. It's a road movie.
Basically, I was a privileged little twat who didn't know anything doing arts law at Sydney, auditioned for NIDA, didn't get in. They told me to get life experience, so I went hitchhiking to Darwin, got kidnapped by truckies.
Bang. That's a hell of a pitch.
But it's not a victim memoir. It's kind of like Tracks meets, what's the Las Vegas film?
Hunter S. Thompson.
Fear and Loathing Las Vegas. Fear and Loathing, yeah, but with more acid because it's set in the 80s. Even more acid. More acid.
It's a feminist Mad Max on really bad 80s speed. That's a movie right there. That is a movie.
And we met some great characters, Alexei. What was it like to change your form and going to the written word as being the final presentation of a story? Was it like a difficult, kind of like bring the facts to it or you? No, it was funnily quite easy because I actually kept a diary.
So to you and your video store subscribers, please always keep a diary. You never know when it might come in handy.
So I literally don't know how I did this because I was often very stoned while I was hitching, but I just wrote everything down and so I transcribed it that way. I also retraced the road trip in 2018. I did exactly the same thing, met all the same crazy characters.
They're all still out there? Some of them have ancestors now, but yeah, no, some were still out there.
I guess for me, it's kind of like writing a screenplay. I write visually, so I want to put the reader there. So I use a lot of visual language and look, to be honest, you know how hard filmmaking it is. It's kind of, there's something very nice about just sitting there and being your own boss on your keyboard.
So you felt freedom? I felt freedom.
Wow. Like never before. Yes. No investors. Just a very nice publisher who kind of liked the idea. Yeah. Great. Yeah. I can't wait to read it. Yeah.
That's your copy. Have it. You can put a DVD of it and you can put it here, you know, but I only want it finished on DVD. That's it. We want the first DV movie straight to DVD. We're going to film it directly to a DVD. Yeah. A book to DVD.
Oh wow. Gorgeous. Yeah.
Like low rent. Like DVDs is the new vinyl man.
Maybe I'm going to say this, put this out there because I know this is an area of fascination to you. What if we just copy and paste the whole book and put it into one of those AI filmmakers. Text to video. Perfect. In fact, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's give it. And it'll be the first good AI movie. Or bad. Let's give it to Sora. If we give it to Sora or Gemini, Google, or even Runway, right, and we just literally type it all in and let it come out all rubbery and weird, that will actually sum up the state of mind I was often in. Yes.
AI are the only people that can perfectly recreate the feeling of being on acid. Or Fear and Loathing did the same thing, but it cost a lot more for them. They didn't have AI.
Exactly. We'll have it done in an afternoon. Yeah, we could. Well, I'm going to send you out to the shelves. Okay. One new release for you. Yep. Two weeklies. Yes. And then I'm going to bestow upon you an absolute rarity. Ooh, can't wait. It'll be a stuff pic recommendation based on everything I know about you, your picks, your taste, everything. Okay.
I did actually have a shower, you know. Oh, okay. I did know. I protected. I was like, someone's shower is not too long ago.
But every one of our discs, we do have a scratch and sniff card purposely made that comes in the DVD cover as well. That's gorgeous. Of course. It's like analog haptic, isn't it? That's it. That's what we're hoping to conjure up. Okay, cool. Come on back when you're ready. New release. Ah, Alexei, thank you so much for that walk through your amazing store. And I know exactly what I want. I mean, I really do.
So the new release. You've got a beautiful stack of films. We'll start with that new release. The new release is Poor Things.
Art House. So from last year. From Yorgos Lanthimos. Absolutely.
One of my favorite filmmakers ever, and one of my favorite. I would probably say it's one of my favorite films from him. Before we kick into discussion, can I ask you, this is a film I'm finding hard to categorize. What genre do you think I place it in on the shelves here? That's such a good question.
Is Art House a thing anymore? We do have an Art House section. You do? We do have an Art House section. Should we hit it in the Art House section? Or coming of age Art House? I was thinking my choices were Art House, science fiction.
No. Okay, fantasy? No. Adventure? I think Art House it is then. Comedy?
Dark. Very dark.
I mean, you could in theory call it period drama, but that's just very, I mean, why I love it is it's the absolute opposite of what you'd expect of a period drama. That's absolutely right. Which is why I love it. And it's that kind of like meshing of tones and feelings. And styles.
So, so, you know, here he is trying to make, and by the way, my favorite period in history, if anyone said to me, you know, someone up there said, hey, you can live in some other... Some of their Lord Jesus? No, no, no. The great she goddess, you know, said, hey, you can live wherever you want. Like I know this time in the human evolution is shit. So where would you rather live? I would say the Belle Epoque, the Fandus Eclat. So the late 1800s, probably Portugal or France, or maybe England. And that's exactly the period in which he set poor things.
Now why I love it though, is unlike those merchant ivory films where they'd spend thousands on just the right horse or just the right... He's lent in to the idea that it is a period film and guess what? We're not even going to hide it. So instead he hires an artist to replicate dioramas as the backgrounds, big, huge painted sets for these various places that she goes. And it reminds me of Gilliam, it reminds me of Fellini, and it reminds me of the spectacle and astonishment and beauty and wonder of the artifice of filmmaking. So this is why I love this film. We're getting gooey in love with this film right now.
Oh, totally. And don't even get me started on the narrative. I'm just talking about the style. The other thing is, of course, I loved what he did with The Favourite where he up-rezzed or upgraded the period film there by shooting it on new kind of fisheye lenses with minimal lights. Right? That's kind of it.
Even the way that the lenses they choose for this movie are fascinating, like it's endlessly entertaining in just kind of every sense of pure cinema, the way that the story is told, the techniques of cinema in there. And I think it is also like with the idea of references, because I think the other stylist that you didn't mention that I think is so key for me with this film is James Whale, who is Frankenstein, The Bride of Frankenstein. Those are two of my very favorite films. And this obviously owes so much to Frankenstein.
But it's also like the playfulness, like there's a slight, just a little slight kitschness that he brings into this. And there's that camp quality in like the humor of it all.
But the thing that I find astonishing beyond all of this beautiful artifice of surrealism of the film is these really unique performances. And he's, Yorgos is the one that's always been like elicit unique performances from people. But I think Emma Stone is absolutely astonishing in this film. Yeah, she's brilliant.
I think he's also referencing late 1800s camera technology. Yes, of course. So the zoetrope, you know, all that stuff that people were doing and the weird kind of lenses and the flickering. Even that zygotev, like that man of a movie camera kind of feeling. Yeah, but even pre and actual cinema camera, you know, there were all those other things that people played with. All those. I honestly feel he's playing with that a lot of the time as well.
Emma Stone is extraordinary. And she had a very major role in it, didn't she? Didn't she?
One of the producers as well. They're like strong collaborators, those two. And I'm not at all surprised because so the style is one thing. And yes, I love Latham Moss. There's no question lobster take or leave.
But I really loved the what was it that that loved it. But I love this one even more. And now I want to talk narrative.
It's a film of its time in that it is a coming of age story about a young woman, but not one you would expect, because what he's chosen to do, as you know, is make her a character that is is raised outside the socialization normally given to young girls. She's raised as a highly clinical, pragmatic person who is trained to look for empirical evidence. So put that in a second sexual young woman's body who's who's just discovering her sexuality for the first time. And it just raises such interesting post me to questions about femininity, masculinity, the battle of the sexes, whatever gender in the 21st century, because she's asking all the sorts of questions that any rational person might ask of this very unequal and bizarre situation in which women were put. And I love how the men keep falling in love with her because they're just confounded. She doesn't do any of the things that women are socialized to do.
And it's so funny. I've never seen sex scenes that make me laugh out loud and not are not remotely erotic, by the way. No, no, no. They're just funny.
And the language, the way it's written. And let's give a shout out to McNamara, Australian, absolutely genius screen writing. And you know, I am I'm a big believer, obviously, in telling stories that haven't been told and storytellers who haven't maybe been given a mainstream lens in which to tell them. Having said that, I think McNamara has absolutely nailed in a brilliant way, a female experience.
And how the hell did he do that? Well, it's testament to him as a writer. I mean, Anthony Minghella did it in the 90s. He used to write. He was one of the few directors writing brilliant female characters. How did he do it? He removed himself from gender and socialization and just put himself in their shoes.
Right. So hats off, actually. And I'm sure Emma Stone had a lot to do with it, too. Yeah. I mean, she's so good at embodying the character and the film finding shape around her and that performance. Yeah. But it's also like just that great collaboration, like, I would say this, I'm absolutely enamored by that Mark Ruffalo performance. Yeah.
And the way that he plays this caddish character, like this real, like, you have to make up words like boofers. He's like a real boofers.
Oh, he's a pants man. Legendary pants.
I mean, he's a total lothario. Absolutely. And I think there's just like... And she totally breaks him, doesn't she? You could watch that performance just slightly separated, the context just slightly separated a little bit or just on a different day and you just be like, this is one of the most horrendous performances in a film. In the way that's placed in the film, the way it's cared about, the way it's thoughtfully collaborated with between writer, director, actor, and the rest of the ensemble, there's something about this performance I think is absolutely hysterical. It's one of my absolute favorite performances in the last like decade. It's heightened. He's almost like a caricature. Absolutely.
I mean, I think, to be honest, I feel slightly differently about his performance in that he never nailed the accent. His accent is dreadful.
To me, that's the absolute part of a charm. That's the charm for it for me. Such was the charm and the power and the persuasion of the filmmaking that I ended up embracing that anyway.
But yeah, you could see Ruffalo, the actor, as some American actors do, just struggling so hard to do the clipped vowels of an English actor and just failing. And some of his best moments in the film is when he's really there and he's really angry or heartbroken and the accent goes, he's just going, I believe you there. It's the embracement of those failings as well.
That's like the fun and the charm of it. It's such a great film. And it to me makes perfect sense because I know another movie that you love as a pick for you. Another film you love is Orlando. Yeah. I love Orlando. And I never really made that connection like between, you know, the shared DNA of these two films until you mentioned this film and I was like, Oh my gosh, Orlando, of course. I know you love both those movies.
So gender play, another coming of age story, but set over two different centuries, a very radical kind of subversive take on modern politics and sexual politics, but set historically a whimsical, highly stylized approach to filming. I mean, Sally Potter's Eye for symmetrical frames and I'm a big Kubrick fan and the symmetry I cannot get enough of, but also at young Tilda, do yourself a favor. I mean, she had it in that film and also the shots of, uh, there's one shot in particular that I think it's the first time you see Billy Zane from her perspective. And I think if there's ever a need to just go, well, I hear the term female gauges a lot in film.
What is that? That's the shot you watch to go, Oh, I understand. Intellectually and emotionally, which was the shot exactly. It's like him on a horse or she's fallen from a horse or something. And he's got the big mostly thighs and there's just something about the way the camera captures him. We're just like, Oh wow, I'll give you another one.
Um, I don't remember maybe because I watched Orlando when, when I was so young, I wasn't even sexually very, you know, responsive, who knows? Um, but the first time I had that real sense of a female straight female gaze objectifying a man as a sexual object or an object of beauty from behind the lens was Harvey Keitel in the piano. Oh my gosh. When she does this slow track across and it's the first time I went, that was shot by a straight woman. Even gay men. I haven't seen direct films like that. Almodovar also does this lovely objectification of men lensing up on Harvey Keitel's naked ass one day. Oh my God.
Probably not now. No, I think we get one more, one more chance. Maybe body double. I don't know.
I mean, come on. But yeah, it was that, that female lens thing. Sexual. Yeah. But anyway, we're off track. What were we talking about? Orlando. Oh yeah.
Orlando is it has, uh, someone who I always regarded as a kind of mentor or an angel, although I didn't know him very well, but I always loved him. And that was Quentin Crisp, who was the inspiration for the naked civil servant. That film that starred John Hurt, who is a very brave for a trans person really way back before we even had the word trans who, who had the courage even though he was Delicate and, and not very strong physically to dress in a feminine way to dye his hair, to wear cravats and makeup and to walk around high camp in, in Britain and get beaten up and became a kind of a role model really for the burgeoning gay and lesbian culture that was now, you know, coming out in the nineties, he became like this maiden aunt of courage.
And so when I was making my second film ever, which is called Sexing the Label, which is about underground queer, gay, lesbian, uh, transgender is what we called it then cultures in Sydney. I went to New York to interview Quentin because I just thought, I need your stamp of approval on this film. I need to talk to you about this.
And I'd just seen him in Orlando the year before and I just couldn't get enough of him. He lived downtown New York in a really seedy area and he liked to go to this place called the Mars bar. He was maybe 89 at that point and very frail and it was a snowstorm. He said, meet me at the Mars bar at one in the morning. And so I did. And it was a, the sort of place where freaks, junkies, you know, cowboy vibes, but and dangerous, right?
The minute he walked in, everyone stood up. People gave him a seat. There was this halo of light around him.
And I'll never forget walking out with him through the New York snow arm in arm and him saying, I took us as a sign from you know who that when I outlived my agent, my time was not far away. And a year after I interviewed him, sure enough, he traveled back to England, which he had avoided for 30 years to die.
So he's an amazing man and watch Orlando just for him playing Queen Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth.
It's, it's remarkable, right? It's so gender. I love it. He's such an, it's such an interesting presence as well. Yeah. And just thoughtful casting. Yeah.
Not only that, he really knew film, Alexei. He used to talk to me for hours about Bette Davis and all the divas of the 40s. I saw him on something recently as a talking head in a documentary as well. I can't remember, maybe it was Celluloid Closet.
Oh yeah. He's definitely in that. It's so cool. He really knew his stuff. Wow.
Your mentor, you're my mentor. Therefore he's my mentor as well.
Okay. Yeah. Cool. Let's go on to your first weekly pick. Oh yeah. Weekly. This is a movie that you introduced me to. Okay. And I would say you maybe are one of the foremost experts in this realm of cinema, right? Right. Okay. This is a film from North Korea. Yes.
It is a Korean rendition or inspired by a version of a kaiju film. It is their version of Godzilla. It is called Pulgasari.
Yes. Adventure. And I would say this is probably in our adventure section. Uh-huh. It's that kind of fantasy epic.
Monster movie.
I had such a delightful time watching this movie on your recommendation. It made me want to delve deeper into North Korean cinema.
Yeah. When I say you're one of the experts, you're still one of the only people to ever make a film in North Korea with North Korean crews? I'm the only filmmaker from the West to get complete access to the North Korean film industry and interview their top filmmakers, DOPs, writers, directors, actors, designers. Yes. Wow. And this is for a film that you made called Aim High in Creation. Yes, correct. Which is like a really wicked cheeky film. Propaganda here. And it's about you. It's a film where you find yourself the cheeky way to take license to go make a movie there. Yeah. And then the art of propaganda filmmaking from Kim Jong-il and his descendants and his creative descendants as well. We've got here as well one of the most interesting artifacts ever. This is Kim Jong-il's The Cinema and Directing, his book about film and what he thinks are tenants of filmmaking art. That's right.
So Kim Jong-il is the father of the current leader of North Korea. They call it the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, DPRK. Anyway, he's Kim Jong-un's dad.
And Kim Jong-il, I always like to think of as a filmmaker who got the wrong job. I mean, he was the sensitive... Dictator's pretty close to director.
Very similar level of that. Exactly. And if you read this book, you realize how close they really are.
But I mean, Kim Jong-il was the sensitive son of Kim Il-sung, who is the person who set up North Korea as we know it. And Kim Jong-il played violin and just loved nothing more than to watch cinema.
And he had 20,000 secretly imported through diplomatic bags from around the world, Western movies as a particular fan of Elizabeth Taylor and the James Bond franchise. He loved... His archive might have even more films than our infinite shelves holds. In fact, he'd take one look at this video store and say, you need to see mine, mate. And it was a vacuum sealed vault in Pyongyang. He loved Jackie Chan, but he really did know his stuff. He was an absolute cineast. Absolute voracious cinephile. He had...
Yeah. And he had a bipolar dilemma in a way, a quandary in that he then got the top job in North Korea, which is to be a dictator or the leader, the most isolated nation on earth that relies on movies to propagandize its people, that doesn't have access to the internet, that only has two official TV channels and has a cinema in every single suburb. Wow. Right? So cinema...
I'm convinced. I'm convinced to move over.
Cinema long after we all left cinemas and went to DVD and then digital and streamers, cinema remained the most persuasive art form in North Korea. So in this book, The Cinema in Directing, which is a small part of a bigger book he wrote called The Art of the Cinema, there's this fascinating kind of tension between his political goal, which is to overthrow all forms of US imperialism and advance the communist dream of the North Korean people and convince them they are the luckiest people on earth for living in the socialist utopia that is North Korea, and then the tension between that and his absolute obvious love of Western films and Western filmmaking. And it's all the way through this book. And so those techniques that come through that are such part of Western filmmaking of the use of music to kind of control emotion or to play with emotion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in Pulgasari itself, you see those ideas of his tenets of filmmaking, which are like the familiar storylines of them, like where this time Pulgasari is this giant beast. Yeah. It's all about the people coming together to overthrow, I mean, quite overtly like capitalism and all those kind of things. And like a lot of the films that you've told me about, and you've talked about in your film and in your book are films that follow that pathway. It's so interesting to see that be applied to like a really fun, like Godzilla action movie. Yeah. With like great special effects, the films all look beautiful because they shoot on film stock. So they all look stunning. I know. All of these films look so beautiful and dreamy and like, just like actual pure cinema. I think that this film, the only thing more interesting and fascinating than the film itself is the backstory of like how this film gets made. Yeah.
So I mean, North Korean cinema and North Korea is isolated.
And so even when I shot there and I went there twice in 2012 now, a long time ago, even back then, they still hadn't gone digital. They were still shooting on old German ARRI cameras. They were using kind of Italian B movie techniques for want of a better word. They did not record sound. They did post dubbing. They loved those 70s, 20 to one crash zooms.
Yeah. You know, they did a lot of special effects in camera, which I love. I love that. I love that stuff. The electrifying stuff that like, you know, it makes you feel like that feeling when you're making films with your friends when you're young. Yeah. It's in camera.
But because they're Korean and the Koreans are the only people the Japanese really fear, they don't hold back. Like Kim Jong Il's war movies, the special effects done in camera did involve actors on rafts in the ocean with torpedoes exploding around them in concentric circles. I mean, one of the films I shot when I was there that they were making was a military propaganda film being shot on the decks of an American spy ship that the North Koreans had captured in 1968 called the Pueblo. And there I was in 2012 and they were filming the capture and everything was being done in camera again. They were waving smoke with handkerchiefs and all of this. The scenes in your film are so wild because it's where you've got these Caucasian actors that are playing like the enemy, the US in the film. But they are North Korean citizens.
Born and bred. Born and bred there.
Their father was a defector who became like the great villain. They hated me on sight.
And then you're listening to them talk and it's like, wow, they have no idea. No, they're like, it's their accent is Korean. They are Korean.
Yes, absolutely. It's so wild. Yeah. The Dresnoks. And there's a wonderful documentary made by Nick Bonner, who's one of the people who helped me get into North Korea, who's a filmmaker, producer, propaganda poster collector based in Beijing. Wonderful man. And it's called Crossing the Line. So that's a great film about the Dresnoks. And yes, I ended up playing the wife of one of these sons who was a blonde, blue-eyed six foot four. And the chemistry was powerful. Oh, yeah. I couldn't get enough of him. And likewise.
I mean, the point about North Korean films is I'm fascinated by propaganda. I'm fascinated by how cinema is such a powerful art form that not just dictators, but also Western democracies often find reasons to censor it because it's so powerful. So what makes it powerful? And so what I was trying to work out with North Korea, which, you know, basically it's number one. Kim Il-sung said film is the most powerful weapon, which is echoing Lenin. And the Russians, as we know, have a very strong tradition of persuasive filmmaking and some brilliant filmmakers. So what were the techniques they were using?
And as and the first when I was doing it, now you can get North Korean films online. And there's a great website weirdly called North Korean Books. You go there. They've got all all the great North Korean classics. But back then, the only film I could find, apart from some hokey music videos about Kim Jong Il on a white stallion being born on a mountain was Pulgasari, which weirdly someone had uploaded and no one had taken it down. And I was like you immediately hooked, because while North Korean narratives are pretty narrow, it's always about the dialectic.
You know, the people united will never be defeated. So you've got to have an evil imperialist or capitalist enemy. And then you've got to have a noble but working class, humble peasant type or a farmer who rises up and everyone rises up and follows communism and sails happily into this socialist utopia.
So the storylines are pretty limited because it's propaganda after all. Right. And and the rules, according to Kim Jong Il, on how to do that are also fairly formulaic. Like every great propaganda film must have a song. You know, it doesn't matter what the genre is, whatever. You must use vernacular. The people understand that people have to find the song easy to sing.
The heroes have to be humble and noble, and the enemies have to be really, like, not nice. So it's kind of counterintuitive. He's not into the actor playing the bad guy has to find redeeming features. No, the actor playing the bad guy, he literally says the actor should hate that person with his heart and soul and want to destroy him. So can you imagine what it's like being a villain?
But what I didn't know and what most people don't know about North Korean films is genre anything goes. So would you believe it? North Korea has produced rom-coms, noir thrillers, monster movies, buddy films, fucked up Woody Allen kind of marriage, kind of divorce, ob-doc-y stuff. I mean, they really go to town on the genres.
Which brings us to Pulgasari. One day Kim Jong-il goes, I think we need a North Korean Godzilla. And he has, I think we got to drop his name in now, Shin San-ok. Shin San-ok was a very famous South Korean director who was allegedly kidnapped by Kim Jong-il, who was basically trying to play the Dr. Evil of the international film festival circuit, kidnapped him in, I think, allegedly the late 80s, late 70s and ushered in the golden period of North Korean film, where for a very short time, North Korean films were actually wowing people on the world stage. They were picking up awards at Carla v. Veri in Paris, et cetera. And a lot of this is thanks to Shin San-ok, the South Korean director who directed Pulgasari and not only him, his wife, ex-wife, Choi Eun-hee, a leading actress, leading actor from South Korea, who was also allegedly kidnapped, hadn't seen Shin for a long time since they divorced, suddenly was required to play happy couples with Shin again in North Korea.
And not only that, make films together. Choi Eun-hee didn't just act in the first North Korean film with sex in it, which all the defectors I interviewed remembered called Salt, which had all the sex in it, which is taboo now, like they don't put sex in films, but she also directed some films herself. And between them, they made, produced, or directed, or wrote, or starred in 13 films in the, I think, seven years that they were in North Korea. The censorship cuts both ways. The people I interviewed in South Korea, including Choi Eun-hee's agent in Seoul, they're not allowed to watch North Korean films.
Wow. Right? The dialogue is not quite there, which is why it is so amazing that Pulgasari- Is just on YouTube. How did that happen? Yeah. Is just on YouTube for anyone to watch.
The backstory to that is Kim Jong-il says to one day to Shin San-ok, who's living in his gilded cage, no doubt in the nicest hotel in Pyongyang, and there are some, he says, you're going to make a monster movie next. Shin San-ok starts making his attempt at a monster movie, turns around to Kim Jong-il, says, your animators are shit.
They're not up to it. I don't believe these monsters they're giving me. It doesn't work. The special effects, it's not good enough.
Kim Jong-il, money no object, North Korea had a lot of money back then, said, okay, and flew the entire production crew from Toho Studios who'd made the Japanese Gonzalez, including, I love this, including their main rubber suit monster wearer guys, in Pachuyo, Satsuma, to come to North Korea to do Pulgasari, and all for Shin San-ok. I mean, if Shin San-ok had said, he did literally say on one film, I need to blow up this train track, Kim Jong-il said, sure, here's a train too, let's blow it all up. All in camera.
Yeah. Right? Exactly.
I mean, if you were in with Kim Jong-il, it's kind of like Lenny Riefenstahl with Hitler. He gave his filmmakers gold Rolexes, good apartments, blah, blah, blah, sent them to Russia to train. All that's gone now, but they all talked to me about that as the golden era.
Yeah. That's so fascinating. I don't know how that's not a movie, like how someone just gone, we've got to make the story of Make of Pulgasari. Well, hey, why don't you do it? Maybe that's our collaboration. Let's pop it into the AI generator and pop another movie out before the end of the episode.
48 hours walking around the outer suburbs of Tokyo looking for Kenpachi Ro Satsuma because I wanted to interview him about what was it like wearing the monster suit in Pyongyang. I couldn't find him.
Yeah. Gosh. Yeah. Fascinating. Yeah. Well, that's Pulgasari. I believe it has our highest recommendation. Yeah? Yeah. I really like it. Me too.
Do you like the little monster? I love the little monster. She's feeding it and then it grows and grows.
It's so fun because I love Godzilla movies. I grew up with them and seeing just a new, interesting take on it with also all this like political propaganda interspersed throughout. What a great way to freshen up a movie.
Well, look, it's a bit heavy handed. I mean, the ending is so on the nose.
Absolutely. On that snout nose of Pulgasari himself. Oh yeah. But it's still fun. It's fun. And some of the, I also love that, just goes with this video store we're in now, the kind of the big hair bandana kind of bare chest aesthetic of the fights. Exactly. It's so enjoyable. And I think to me, that's my starting point into this, for me, I'm completely uncharted air of cinema. Yeah. And I think it's a really nice starting point. And also if it's the only point you're going to explore, you'll have a good time too. Exactly.
But remember, you can go to North Korean books and I brought along a couple of examples of other North Korean genres. This is a kick ass kung fu action film called Hong Kil Dong. Wow. North Koreans are hardcore. A lot of the stunts are performed in camera, Alexei. In fact, I filmed their Taekwondo team who is banned from performing at the Olympics and they put on a show just for us and I have not seen such incredible acrobatics. Amazing. So that's a kind of... Martial arts film. Martial arts, but the main character's also got a sensitive side and he likes to play flute and it's got lots of great ninja stuff. Yeah, okay. People shot on this outdoor film set Kim Jong Il built to stop his film crews from defecting so they couldn't go and shoot anywhere else, so they just shot there and I've filmed there too.
This is... This is like, I don't know.
This is called Schoolgirl's Diary. Schoolgirl's Diary and it's a little coming of age story about a young 16 year old who feels estranged from her father and is angry with her father because he never spends time with her.
And it's only at the end of the movie that she finds out that he hasn't spent time with her because he's been working for the dear leader to advance North Korea and invent new things. So happy ending. Happy ending because she realizes her father's a hero so it doesn't matter that he was a crap father because he's helped North Korea. This was written allegedly by Kim Jong Il and executive produced and one of the last North Korean films to be seen officially in any Western film festival context in 2006 in France.
Oh my gosh. And then this other one, this is the one I know most from the film The Flower Girl.
This is psychedelic.
If you want to see the beauty of cinema on celluloid, this is a melodrama. This is a period melodrama kind of as big and out there and weird and unbelievable as Poor Things.
And it's about a little match girl who has to work to save her... One of the great archetypes of little match girl by the way, one of the great character archetypes.
It's just full of symbolism where really you'd have to be run over by a truck not to see it. But it's got a very weird aesthetic that's almost come back in vogue now.
So I can't wait to dive in. Check it out. Yeah, these are now part of the collection here at the video store I'm going to be diving in. You've got one more weekly for me here. I suggest we jump into this film. Okay, cool.
This is a film I'm very excited to talk to you about, The Five Obstructions. Documentary. From our documentary film section here, from director Lars von Trier and his mentor Jorgen Leff, this is a pretty iconic film. Could you give us a little rundown on what The Five Obstructions is?
Well, Jorgen Leff made a film in the 60s called The Perfect Man. And it was seen as close to a perfect film. And Lars von Trier, being kind of a filmmaker who thrives on friction, thought he would take his mentor to task on this and say, is it really perfect and can you make it better? And are you really a perfect filmmaker? So Lars von Trier was a tough person to mentor.
And he then sets Jorgen Leff on, is it five? It's five. Five Obstructions.
And you can take over there.
I haven't seen this film for a long time. I just remember it being crucial to me. I rewatched it recently because I had seen it back in my video store days when I was trying to explore around. I'm not like a big Lars von Trier head or anything. Like I appreciate his work and I appreciate who he is in film and cinema and why he's important and essential voice. But this is always the one that made me the most curious because it is kind of, it's in that dogma kind of movement from him where it is all about like kind of creating that reality.
But he sets out Jorgen Leff onto these five obstructions. I can even tell you what those five obstructions are.
What are they? Bring it up on your very high tech screen there. Absolutely. Let me log deeper into the film right now. So he challenges him to go out and remake his film in five different ways. That's right.
The first one being, he must remake the film in Cuba with no set, with no shot lasting longer than 12 frames, which is half a seconds because they're 24 frames per second. And he must answer the question posed in the original film. And in this task, Leff is successful. The second task is he must remake the film in the worst place in the world, but not show that place on screen. Additionally, Leff must play himself the role of the man, the leading character. The meal must be included because the film involves eating a meal. But the woman, the other character film is not to be included. And then he remakes his film in the red light district in Mumbai, but he's in front of a translucent screen so he can still see the world behind him.
And according to Von Trier, that's a failure. So he gives him a completely different challenge for his third one as punishment. And what was that? It is because he failed, Von Trier punishes him telling to either remake the film in any way he chooses, the freedom of choice, which can be one of the biggest obstacles in the world, or else repeat it again with a second obstruction in Mumbai to just do it exactly the same again.
He does a different one, I hope. He does a different one. He goes to Brussels and he uses split screen technology to film it. Then the fourth one- Does he succeed at that one? He gives him the success, he says he succeeds.
The fourth one is- And by the way, they do that while drinking lots of vodka or something, don't they? It's all that fun stuff of them together, not unlike you and I right now, so you can cross from each other, mentor an apprentice. But with alcohol. Yes, we've got just plain water here right now.
We'll admit to it. Then he goes to make it as a cartoon as the next obstruction, and he goes to rotoscoping technology, which I guess is considered animation, is what their conclusion is. And then the fifth obstruction, do you remember what that is? No.
Lars von Trier himself has already remade the film. He's completely remade it, and he wants Leith to take ownership of his version.
Does he? I think he does.
Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. It's a very fun one.
Thank you. I mean, thank you for reminding me.
I've got this thing where I very rarely watch a film twice, because I have a kind of telegenic vault that the great films, I just remember certain scenes. Now, I'm not saying this is the way to go, please. I think it's better to rewatch. I'm a chronic rewatcher. I think that's great, and I have failed you on this. I very rarely watch anything twice, but I know that the film's great for me if I can see an entire scene and hear it. And the one I can see from this film, and it's always stayed with me, is the second one in Mumbai.
So one thing I'm really into, and I guess why I make documentary, is I'm political, but I'm a hedonist. So if I wasn't a hedonist, I'd be an activist on the front line somewhere, you know, Doctors Without Borders, whatever. But because I'm a hedonist, because I like to have fun, I do it in this kind of half-assed way, which is I try to be political with my films, but at the same time have fun making them. To me, I also feel like, unlike Kim Jong Il's filmmakers, and they have no choice.
I don't think audiences respond well to ham-fisted, we know this, right? You don't want to be hit over the head. You want to be entertained and politicized by stealth. Absolutely. The best way to send a message is in a beautiful genre packaging of some kind.
It seduces them with the beauty, the joy, the humor, the power of cinema. And to me, that second film in the five obstructions through the translucent screen, I totally disagree with Von Trier. That film has stayed with me forever because it was a profound way of talking about third world poverty, first world problems, without ever saying anything. And yet the fact they're translucent, you bring your imagination to work and you can practically see and smell, we're talking about smell-o-vision, the slum.
And I think the reason that's so personal to me is one, it made me realize long before American Splendor that, hey, just because it's documentary doesn't mean you can't absolutely play with the form and you can use fiction techniques and it's more authentic. But it's also very personal to me because I grew up in the third world in Asia. I grew up in Burma, the Philippines, Iran, which is not technically Asia, I guess, the Middle East. But I grew up watching very underprivileged kids and being very aware of my privilege. And so to see that film, to see that message, to see, I just really felt it.
Yeah. And also I like it. I liked the dynamic. I guess there's a Norma Anna thing going on maybe that somehow transcended a few generations, I don't know. But that's fun too, isn't it? Absolutely.
I think there's that, it's such a unique off-kilter humor or charm that this film has. It doesn't exist anywhere else, the charm of this movie in the way that they challenge each other. It's just a very specifically, it's hard to say it, but it's a specifically good time that this film offers you.
And I think it's what makes it worth revisiting. My only thing on this revisit to it that I wish it gave me more of was just a little bit more into the insight into the actual making of the films, each of the films around the structures, like just the filmmaking technique or the thing that goes into them. You see them setting up everything and you see them like, I just was like, oh, I want to go almost a little bit deeper into the process of those. But I think this movie is so great.
But isn't that interesting, Alexei? It's easy to forget this, but when was that made, 2002? Yeah, 2002, 2003, I think was released. Okay. So what's really interesting is, I was talking before about when I made Forbidden Lies in 2007. Yeah.
When one was exposing the apparatus of the making of the film that was seen as very radical, right? It was a breaking of the fourth wall that people weren't doing. And so in 2002, it really wasn't done. It was not done, partly because audiences were not filmmakers back then the way they are now. So they found it indulgent or inaccessible or it went over their heads. But now everyone's fascinated by not just the film, but how did you do it? Like with all the YouTube making of and all of that, 2002, that would have been almost a step too far.
Yeah. Staff pick. We've got one more pick for you. Oh, great. And this is my gift upon you. Okay. This is the precious nail upon me to present to you a film, my staff pick recommendation for you.
So I've been thinking about like, what could I possibly recommend you? And so I was thinking about all the things I know you love. I know that you love hoaxes. I know that you love media satire. I know that you love oddities and maybe above all else, you love a bloody good prank. I'd say something that you really like.
Yes. And I know like these are from discussions we've had recently. And as a peak that I think I even have told you about, but I'm like, I just need you to see this movie. And this is my best way to get you to see it. It is a film called ghost watch. Oh my God. And I've got a beautiful deluxe edition here for you right now. You may have a look. Wow. So let me tell you a little bit about ghost watch for Halloween in 1992. The BBC decides to broadcast an investigation into the supernatural, right?
This is a live TV event hosted by the Chacho legend, Michael Parkinson. Yes, there he is on the cover. And Parky is incredible in this movie. It's like a genuinely amazing performance from him, realer than real.
And he and a camera crew attempt to discover the truth behind the most haunted house in Britain. This is basically looks, if you're watching this on TV in 1992, you would think you're watching live television. You're not thinking you're watching a horror film. You're thinking you're watching live TV with Michael Parkinson, a trusted face on TV, literally crossing over like live crosses to a house with cameras in there of a family, not unlike, you know, a lot of like the English ghost stories from like the 1960s and stuff where you're seeing like a family being terrorized by ghosts. So it is the most intense verisimilitude that you can have because it's using that verite style like what at that time is modern verite, which is TV direct presentation.
And it is so gripping and so believable and it's so convincing in every way. But I got to say it's that Michael Parkinson performance of like having a real presenter being in that role that I think makes it so real and so interesting. He's great.
And it's also a female filmmaker Leslie Manning.
Oh, my goodness. Well, I'm so in because I'm always looking for female filmmakers that that have yet to be properly given their dues. So thank you. This is a brilliant recommendation. And in that it's also got like the script and everything. I love it. And unlike Cameron, I will return it within seven years. Yes. You've got you've got a week for this one before I start hunting you down for it. Okay.
But Anna, thank you for so much for stopping by the last video. Thank you. My pleasure. Thank you for having me.
Here's to fact and fiction blending forever. Yeah, I think so. Including here. I think that's it. We're in the heart of it all. This is the nucleus. This is the epicenter of faction. Absolutely.
And hopefully enjoy this faction pick for yourself. I will.
Well, that was a little moment shared between me and my hero Anna Bronowski. My gosh, you should check out Anna's films, not just her picks.
You've got Forbidden Lies. You've got Aim High in Creation.
You've got her Pauline Hanson documentary Please Explain, which is riveting. Fantastic film. She's one of the great documentary filmmakers in Australia.
And also her new book Datsun Angel is available to order and pick up wherever you buy books from. Let's go through her picks.
You want to see poor things. Well, you might still be able to see in cinemas, but you can also find it online to rent on VOD platforms might even be on Disney Plus by the time this episode is being listened to by you. Also, her picks of The Five Obstructions and Pulgasari are a little hard to find as you might be able to imagine, but Pulgasari is on YouTube. Like we said on the episode, someone has done the service of putting it up there and it remains intact on YouTube. The Five Obstructions you can find, but you'll need to look for it yourself. You might be obstructed, but you will get there.
And Ghostwatch. Ghostwatch, my recommendation to Anna. Yes, another difficult one to find, you know, when I've got these big film brains on, I got to go hunting in different places to find films that they have not seen or heard of before. But Ghostwatch is so worth watching and I might even say this. It's a great Halloween watch. It might be worth holding off coming back to it on October 31st watching with some friends and just go like I heard about this weird thing that happened on TV years ago that I don't know. I just was able to track it down and I found like this old broadcast.
Don't tell them it's a freaking horror movie. Just tell them it's real and you will find a lot of wealth in there. So enjoy that.
My thank you to Anna for joining me on the podcast once again. If you want to check us out, we are on YouTube. You can subscribe to the YouTube channel for us and the Batuda Advocate and you'll get the hit that Bell and you'll see the episodes as soon as they come out every Thursday. The podcast also comes out on Spotify and Apple podcast wherever you get your podcasts from and catch up with me on Instagram at this is Alexi and at last video store Batuda also on TikTok and you can find me on letterbox where I put all the lists up of all the rental combos that the guests have. So if you want to go through and add those films directly to your watch list on letterbox, you can actually do so until next time we meet. I'm going to leave you with a little message from me. I love movies. |
dropout | hardly_working_ooper_putz_rematch | So I blame Fat Ethan, and now everyone thinks he's the one that sneezed and farted at the same time.
Elementary school was the best time of my whole life. Oh man, you guys know a game I loved in elementary school?
Foursquare. Yeah, man. Seriously? Foursquare?
The only people who played that in my school were those lame-ass snotters. And my school, the game of choice?
Flurple. Flurple? How do you play that?
Marshall Werthington. Hello, Jeffrey. These guys are from the next town over.
Our fiercest Flurple rivals. In fact, in the final 30 seconds that Luper prudes Flurple Cup, the competition got so fierce that they killed my three teammates right there on the field. We challenge you to a game of Flurple.
Jailhouse rules. Agreed. No roller coasters. Agreed.
Alright, you guys ready to do this? Okay, here's how the game works. We're trying to get to 19 victory points, but keep in mind the scoring is binary.
Every team has four players. Two on offense, one on defense, and two on offense, which totals five players. David, you're our fourth and fifth player.
Alright, we do not have a lot of time until the ref calls Tallyhoo, so I'm just going to go over the essentials. This is a frisbee. It has no use in this game. Tallyhoo! Crap, just put on your helmets. Alright, let's make smart plays out there.
Somebody wants... David, you have to eat the penalty, Caker! We're going in a double kumbatai!
Okay, now as far as I can tell, none of you understand this game. That's right. Okay, so let's keep this simple. Let's use our touch bat. Let's keep their printer away from the waffle, and try to limit their bonus time. Okay. That was a test. I made all of that stuff up. It's like you guys don't even understand the simplest fundamentals of Flurple. You know what? Just get me my Wervenspoxinator and get out of my way. Come on, guys. At least we tried.
No, Dan, this is a good thing. We won! Yeah! Feels good! Oh, man! Good stuff! All right! That is awesome. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_robotic_police_dog_shot_oppenheimer_premiers_in_japan_snl | A number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness. the bars are known collectively as the empty Ones. it was announced that Stumpy, a beloved Japanese Cherry Blossom tree in Washington, D.c. will be chopped down because of old age and because of its actions on January 6th. the oscar-winning movie Oppenheimer finally premiered yesterday in Japan without warning. fans of the Hui Fang Sriracha hot sauce are complaining that the condiment is not as hot as it used to be, and yet everyone gets upset when I make the same complaint about the cast of Stranger Things. it was reported that for the first time ever, a robotic police dog was shot in a line of duty.
Well, now it's a robotic police dog. a soccer match between the U.s. and Mexico was briefly stopped because of homophobic chants from the crowd.
Meanwhile, homophobic chants are how you officially start games in Boston. pet experts are warning people not to bring their dogs to watch next month's Solar Eclipse, saying that it couldn't be too stressful for them. pet experts also want you to know that they're looking for real work. an elderly woman in England who spent the night caring for a sick hedgehog was shocked when she took the animal to a vet and discovered it was actually a pom-pom from a hat. she said she couldn't wait to laugh about the incident with her husband. it was announced that Stumpy, a beloved Japanese Cherry Blossom tree in Washington, Dc, will be chopped down because of old age, and because of its actions on January 6th. the Oscar-winning movie Oppenheimer finally premiered yesterday in Japan without warning. fans of the Hui Fang Sriracha hot sauce are complaining that the condiment is not as hot as it used to be, and yet everyone gets upset when I make the same complaint about the cast of Stranger Things. a soccer match between the U.s. and Mexico was briefly stopped because of homophobic chants from the crowd, Meanwhile, homophobic chants are how you officially start games in Boston. an elderly woman in England who spent the night caring for a sick hedgehog was shocked when she took the animal to a vet and discovered it was actually a pom-pom from a hat. she said she couldn't wait to laugh about the incident with her husband. |
SaturdayNightLive | drake_psa_snl | Have you ever dated the rapper Drake? Have you ever met Drake at a party, talked on Instagram, or even made flirty eye contact with him at a restaurant? has Drake then referenced you, your relationship, or the potential thereof in a song? If the answer is yes, you are not alone. there are thousands of us, and you may be entitled to benefits. for too long, we have witnessed Aubrey Drake-gram right hit after hit about women who have wronged him. and some women who have done nothing at all, only to earn millions of dollars. Well, today, her loss is our gain. because we, the thousands of Drake's exes and shoudies, have voted to join forces and officially unionize as the United Kings of Aubrey. it is time that we stand up and fight for our rights as things in a united front. my name is Courtney. I left Drake a voicemail once about an overdue car payment, and now I'm an interlude on an album.
How does that work? I served Drake some lettuce wraps at P.f. Chang's in 2009. I laughed at his little joke about our huge menus, and apparently I'm his ex now? make that make sense. Well, Drake hit on me at a Dave & Buster's once.
I told him that I was a lesbian, and he said, me too. my name is Kiki Palmer, and that Kiki Do you Love Me song ruined my damn life. that man had the whole internet asking if I was the Kiki. Well, yes, I am the Kiki, just not that Kiki. it was my name first. Stop acting like we smashed it. give me my damn $6 million. Drake sent me a Bobby Hill gif on Instagram once. I said, who is that?
Next thing I know, I'm that goofy shoddy from Virginia Beach who curved him. we may have started from the bottom, but we still here. to be clear, to be clear, a union membership is not dependent on dating Drake. you may qualify as one of Aubrey's things if you met Drake at a basketball game, met Drake at a club, saw Drake at a club, been to a club at all, have dined at the following restaurants,: Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, Carbone, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu. But here at United Tings of Aubrey, we believe in a brighter future. one where Tings can be left alone. and your name stays out of Drake's mouth. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred Tings. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred Tings. you strip clubs and airports, black women who live in the land. it doesn't matter if you've met him at all. when you're singing about you. United Tings of Aubrey, hashtag Tings across America. |
dropout | money_for_college_game_show_with_first_lady_michelle_obama | Hi, everybody. Welcome to the easiest game show in the world. We will give you free money for college. Our contestant today, Adrienne Miller, will compete for thousands of dollars in college grants and loans if she can answer these questions from FAFSA.gov. But hold on, these questions are incredibly easy. First question, what is your name? Not a trick question. We just need your name, Adrienne.
I'm sorry, this just seems like a lot of work. We're going to be done in 30 minutes. You could get a lot of money for college.
I'd like to use a lifeline. Seriously? I can call anyone I want, right? Yeah, I mean, a parent, a smarter friend, literally anyone.
That's it? Thanks. Just a few months left. Oh, gotta change my address. Adrienne. Is that your final? Final answer. That's correct.
You're already on your way to winning a ton of free money for college. You know, I don't think I'm gonna win, so I'm just gonna quit. You don't get it. You're already winning.
All you have to do is answer some of these questions. We're even going to answer some of them for you. Nope, thanks. That sounds hard. Why does everyone do this? People left over two billion dollars on the table, and all they have to do is answer these simple questions. Dude, it just seems confusing.
No, Adrienne. Adrienne, it literally couldn't be less confusing. Once again, we have no winner on the easiest game show in the world.
If you would like free money for college, just go to fafsa.gov and see if you can answer our questions. You probably can. They're really very easy. Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. If you want to earn free money for college, click here for fafsa.gov. It really is easy. Like, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really |
TheOnion | Supreme_Court_Rules_Anyone_Who_Had_Abortion_Under_Roe_Must_Be_Re_Impregnated | The Supreme Court has ruled that any American who had a legal abortion under Roe v. Wade must now be re-impregnated. The controversial 6-3 decision states that any U.S. citizen who legally terminated a pregnancy during the nearly 50-year-long Roe era must now report to a government agency or a Catholic hospital for re-impregnation. According to Chief Justice Roberts, having an empty womb is not a right protected by the U.S. Constitution, and therefore must be rectified in 100 percent of cases, regardless of age or medical conditions. The ACLU has filed an appeal in the ruling, particularly with the court's decision that all resulting babies must be named Clarence.
How did you find out he was cheating? We were having sex. And all of a sudden, he yelled, I'm not thinking of your name, I'm thinking of another person's name. It's the person I'm cheating on you with, but I'm trying to be sneaky.
Their name is Cassie and I like sneaking behind your back with them. I'm so sorry. Cassie, Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. Oh, I want to be with her so bad. Ah, I know that your name is Jessie, but again, I didn't say it because my head is with Cassie. Cassie, Cassie.
Cassandra, this went on for five minutes. He convinced me it was an innocent mistake. So then we dated for another six months. Then I caught him having sex with his car. |
dropout | taking_that_s_what_she_said_way_too_far | I Don't know guys judging by those clouds. It looks like it's gonna rain Relax all right if we get caught in the rain will make pina coladas besides.
I love getting wet. That's what she said Good one Chris, but how did she say it and what well? I mean, I know they're saying that's what she said, but I always wondered how she said it I suppose maybe something like yeah I love getting wet No, no, that's not it. It needs to be more sexual could be something like I love getting wet. No more No, come on No, no guys come on she's not some rigid housewife who married the wrong man you bunch of Daisy Buchanan I I Love getting wet and who is this young lady my name is Catherine like the exotic version of Katie Please tell me more about yourself. Well.
I'm a tobacco farmer's daughter from Pompkinsville, Kentucky I live with my mother my father and my three sisters put nothing about me. What about you sitting boy? Slut you bought your tome Marianne are these your sisters. Yes, unfortunately, they're just jealous cuz I got big drain She's too good for the country life. She wants to be a big city lawyer, but really she's just looking to marry one of those old money Habitat I am NOT a gold digger. Hi My name's Catherine. Are you an old lawyer have a ton of money and about to die call 1-800-2-mile, but It's okay I don't want my daughter dating some sissy-looking sack of shit. What you gonna smear some shit on my face No, I want to go no, listen I can take you away from this tiny town, okay, we can get married I'll pay for your law school. We can live in the big city adopt a little Guatemalan girl We can name her America But my family. Oh your family doesn't love you. I I Love you in America. Welcome to new home, sweetheart Hand it over The time gone I Do miss your father America? Is that this park that I met him All those years ago That Chris. Oh Hey guys, hold this I would love to sit because my dog |
TheOnion | Dead_Wife_And_Kids_Replaced_By_Miniature_Horses | And a little later, how to get out of debt by masturbating on a stage. But right now, the nightmare of losing one's entire family is almost unimaginable to most of us, yet our guest Don Groton was forced to face just such a tragedy eight months ago when his wife and two sons were killed by a drunk driver. Don, thank you so much for being with us this morning. Thank you. I'm just trying to hang in there. Well, you've been so brave. As you may already know, Don, Today Now has partnered with Bridals of Hope, a charitable foundation which donates miniature therapy horses to those who are grieving. And Don, you are our next lucky recipient. Garrett, come on out. Don, you've endured so much.
It's time to let us take the reins. Sandals for me. That's right.
Miniature horses are specially trained to help ease emotional pain. From now on, you'll have this horse's comforting presence in your home 24 hours a day. But I live in an apartment. Well, we know that, Don, because Today Now just delivered 400 bushels of oats there free of charge. Thank you, but I'm not sure I can handle a horse right now. Don, most of our recipients find that having to constantly feed and clean up after a miniature horse, well, it becomes kind of a daily regiment that keeps them from dwelling on the past.
Now, Don, we've had a lot of success with Bridals of Hope in the past. There was Cory who lost his mother to a brain tumor and the Johnstons whose house burned down. He even sent miniature horses to Afghanistan to comfort civilian families that have been ravaged by war.
Look, this would be great if I wanted this, but I don't. Thanks. Sorry. Don't you want to ease your pain, Don? Yeah, I guess somehow.
Yeah, sure, but there will be more good times, Don, with this Laura. That's right. We've named her after your beautiful wife. What? And the miracles don't stop there either, Don. Not only are you getting a new Laura, but Bridals of Hope are donating three horses to make up for each family member you lost. You've already loaded Kevin and Joseph, your children, into your Prius outside. Oh, God, it's Laura's favorite scarf. You recognize it?
No, I don't want these horses. It's not going to work. I just want to be alone.
But you say that in front of your Laura. You're hurting her feelings, Don. Don, maybe you'd like to take a moment and tell Laura you're sorry. Laura, come to Don. Look, Laura, in the eyes. Don, talk to her.
It's never going to be the same again, Don. I'm sorry, but that's just the reality, and you have to learn to accept it. I don't even know what's going on anymore. Why is this happening? The healing has begun. It has indeed. Okay, stick around, because you voted for it.
And coming up next, we're going to meet the ugliest woman alive. Tonight in the newsroom, the National Organization for Women released its list of women it's okay to call a cunt. Stay tuned for details. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_21_tai_bam_bam_tuivasa | And just quickly before we get into things, we do need to mention the Diamantina podcast network. These are the people bringing this out to you if you're online. Yes, they make sure our show and our sister show, Hello Sport is sent out to the network for our podcast listeners to consume everywhere else. They also host a show by Richie Vass from the popular Sydney based men's social club, The Bra Boys is also a UFC fighter. And on top of that, they also have The Squiz, which is a good daily rundown of what's happening in the news every single day. So thanks to them and give those shows a listen and get around them on social media.
Yes, now we've got a big guest coming into the studio to chat with us today, don't we Clancy? Yes, we certainly do. Big in reputation and big in size. It's the right word for him, he's a heavyweight. We've got KO King and UFC fighter Ty Tuivassa stopping in Koala mattress studio shortly for a conversation.
I've seen the boy throw hands a few times Clancy and he certainly can handle himself if I don't say so myself. Yes, deceptively quick, isn't he? For a big buck twenty, you know, around that size, around that weight, he can certainly move around the octagon somewhat gracefully. He certainly can, Clancy.
And I tell you what, from what I've seen, he switches them off like frozen laptops just for fun. He's got a 3-0 record in the UFC and from what all of us have seen here at the Batutera picket, this is just the beginning and there's big things to come. Yes, yes, yes.
He was a leaguey for a while there, set for a career down in the Roosters before he eventually gave it all away after deciding he wasn't bout that life. Well, that does tend to happen but lucky for him, he also had a few skills aside from footy. Yes, yes, he didn't like being down in the Bondi bubble. Probably a feeling most people in the country could relate to if they ever visited that decrepit part of the world.
So he moved back out west and took up giving people hightings for a living. Yeah, well he's a Westie at heart, God bless him. He's just rolled into the station with his trusty bum bag strapped around his chest.
We wrote a story about that famed fanny pack earlier this week, didn't we Clancy? We did.
The story was, thin line between ice junkies and hipsters made even blurrier after bum bag renaissance. From my understanding Clancy, it's a current trend called choppercore where inner city creatives and university hipsters, they've started tucking in their plain t-shirts to their cotton tracksuit pants like they've just been paroled from Pentridge after selling there with Chopper Reed. And it's resulted in a lot of confusion from what I've been led to believe. Yes, the trend has also put authorities on edge as the streets of suburbs like Collingwood and Kings Cross look as though they're an experienced influx of paroled bank robbers and former standover men like they did in their heyday, obviously before gentrification.
Well, the man who was neither one of those two has just walked into the studio, he's just a good Western Sydney kid. He's no criminal, but if he did what he did outside the ring, no doubt, it would end in a set of handcuffs put on his wrists.
And just before we get started, just want to let you know, there is a bit of colorful language coming up. So if that doesn't float your boat, then I probably skipped this podcast.
He's just come back from, he's been all around the world, been in Perth, been all over the show. He's been in Asia a lot.
Yeah. Spent a bit of time in Thailand. Yeah. I just went to Singapore. It's fucking expensive, that place. Yeah.
Don't go there unless you've got an event or something. I've only heard bad things about that place.
Oh, it's nice. It's fucking, looks good and that.
But it's fucking deer as poison. 20 bucks a beer.
Yeah.
It's not one of those. It's not a good place for Aussies. No, it's not like Irish.
I paid, I paid a fucking hundred dollars for a haircut. So you've been fighting three, three from three in the USC. Yeah. Had a fucking knock to your nose, but you came up on top the other day. Oh, thanks.
You saw that photo on, that looked like you heard. It was just blood. It looked worse than it, um, my eyes, it looked bad. It looked like I got hit by a car or something. Yeah. I thought I was looking at Michael Jackson. You still look, you still look like you're bunged up.
Haven't even had a fight.
Now tell us, we want to talk about how you got into that, into this, into this career you have.
What, born and raised Mount Druitt? Kings were born in Nepean hospital. So Penrith, my dad is from Shelby and my mom's from Penrith.
Right. So King, West Sydney. West Sydney. As West as you get.
So Samoan? Yeah, that's Samoan, mom's Aboriginal.
Right. We see that in the flag when you come down to the ring. Yep. You've got a few different entrances. Celine Dion most recently. Yeah.
What was going on there? Did you love it? Yeah, I loved it. That's what it was. You love that track?
Everyone loves it. I know everyone's going to love it.
It's fucking Celine.
It's, it's Jack. Jack and Rose. Jack, bro.
Like he took one for the team. Yeah. So how'd you get into fighting? You want to tell us that one?
You started with footy? What was going on there? What were you playing? I played footy, I played footy my whole life.
So as you do, you know, it's big culture in West Sydney. We got the, probably the best juniors in, in, in the world.
I thought I'd like to have a bit of a blue. Either in the game or wherever. Few of the boys started getting in trouble. So I was just like, oh, may as well, some fighting all the time. May as well have a, have a go, you know, and see how we go. And then.
Yeah. So you, there was a natural kind of stick before you even went and trained martial arts. You knew, you knew kind of how to get down. Yeah. I always liked, yeah. I liked the, I liked the whole fact of it's one-on-one and only one can win. Especially when it comes to battle. You know, I like, I liked that. So, so you, you, you're still living out there where you grew up essentially. Yeah. You fucking around the corner from the pain hospital. Like, you know, man, I, I just fucking love being home. I love driving around, you know, streets that I know and seeing faces that, that, that means that I love that to me. So as I said, you wouldn't come in before out of the people from Sydney, we've interviewed you. Yeah.
Pretty much everyone's coming from that part of the world. A lot of people doing things, you know, whether they are in sport or in.
That's, I represent the West with, with, with, with meaning, you know, I know what it's like. So it means a lot to me. Yeah. And your mother, the Kuru side of your family from, from there always. So my mom was actually born in Redfern. Right.
Then they shifted them out to Kingswood Park, which is Penrith.
And then she moved out Bush.
Yeah. So, all right. And then, and then you had a little run there with, um, with NRL. Uh, no, I trained with the first grade squad, so, but I was still young. Yeah. I quit, uh, twenties and I still had another year of twenties. Right.
But, um, yeah, fully, uh, just, you know, at the end of the day, it all just wasn't, I just wasn't feeling it. And I just, yeah, I just, I was gambling and doing, or just fucking what everyone does, you know, just being normal, just like, and I'll just wait from home away from what, what I, what I, what I feel is normal, you know? And just, I just come to a point and fucking just gave it up and no hard feelings against anyone. It was just me. I was just wasting, I was wasting their time, I was wasting my own time.
And I dressed the type of way, like I dressed that Westie way. I dressed like probably today is probably the best I've been dressed up for a while. You're looking smart.
Yeah. Look, look at the shoes. I don't have my TNS on today. They're a bit dusty. I still got the bummy on, but you know what I mean, but I still got the look sophisticated bum bag. Well, we did do the story about the new R & Williams TNS where they put the little gel sole on the bottom of the dress, but you could, you can walk in both worlds, mate. Take that shit back out to Orange. Oh, that'd be a sell. All the boys in the flurries are wearing TNS when they knock off work. Yeah. Represent.
So yeah, you, you, you found you, you, um, you know, when you were down there in Bondi, people didn't understand Pig Latin. I was in, I can't believe that. I thought that everybody just spoke Pig Latin. Cause we try and speak it around our parents when we were young and they were like, shut up fucking idiots.
We know, you know what you're saying. And then now Thailand spent heaps of time over there. We've seen you. Yeah.
I've been going there for a while, probably eight years or something. So, um, what's the average day like, um, in the lead up to a fight? Like how much training are you getting under your belt? So I'll, I'll, I'll do a, um, eight to 10 week camp where it's just, I'm probably not like most other athletes.
I'll commit to a camp and then I'll go from like, from the day that I say like that, I'll just go bang cold turkey, you know, don't drink, don't, you know, diet and I'll just go all the way. So by the time I fall, I'm just like, fuck this. I just want to get this over with. I just want to drink and like eight and like do a fucking, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's shit when you like people are, let's go get a feed and we'll have to fucking take a container.
Yeah.
A bit of punch chicken and shit. Like it's so shit.
Like, and that's why it's a good thing. You know, you go like Thailand's good because you just got people from all around the world coming to this one place with all the same kind of, you know what I mean? So everyone's kind of on the same page.
Yeah. After a fight provided you're not too sort of banged up so you have a bit of a party afterwards. Oh yeah. Get into it. Yeah. Straight into it.
So tell us with that fight in Sydney. I remember that interview afterwards, you were speaking pig Latin. You'd come into the room with the curry flag over your shoulders. You were on. Tell us how that went down. That was a fucking quick fight. That was all right. Yeah. It was a good fight.
I had a thought.
Yeah. He wanted to fuck me I think. Having a look at a couple of images now. You've just beaten the living shit out of some poor cunt from France. Like, like, like he is in, over in Perth like there's fucking blood pissing out of his face. But he's fucking tough bro. Yeah. I was hitting the cunt that hard. I was thinking, but he was out on his feet. Like when you look at someone, you know, like if they're out in the, but yeah, some people can be out on their feet so they're still just there and they're just getting fed. Oh bro. I was like, fuck. I was like, well, you know, like you should hit someone, some cunt should go down and hit him with this one and he didn't go down. I was like, ah, go to the body. I started trying to mix MMA. Yeah. Fuck. But he was a tough cunt bro. Yeah.
But he was out. He was out.
Yeah. That was quick. And they've all been pretty quick. Yeah. Except the last one. Yeah. But that, but the last one I think is probably the best thing that, that could have happened to me. Or, you know, I feel, I feel good.
I'm going to take a lot away from, from that fight, but I don't, I don't, I'm not going to be expecting to do three rounds anytime soon again for a little bit. On the day of a fight, do you have like a routine that you go through or is it just, you just kind of hop up and yeah. And you hop in the car and then you go on.
Well, I usually like to stay up, but see, but now, now it's frogs. He did the frog legs too when he hit the ground, see the legs come a lot up there. Look at the statement.
Fuck me. Yeah. He got a knock. Are you, are you young as well in the heavyweight kind of world? Yeah. I think I'm the youngest. 25? Yeah. One off. Yeah. I'm just starting with these cunts. I'm just getting warmed up. Yeah. It's only phase two. Yeah.
Is there anyone else as well that talks about it like it's a blue because everyone else talks about it like it's a performance piece. You're out there going, I just love a blue. I love, I love a stink.
Cunts just make things harder than it is.
Yeah. Well, that's how I look at like, it's really is.
It's just the, at the end of the day, it's a look, it's a fight. If I feel threatened and like someone's going to hurt me, I'm going to fight back. It's just natural for me and I, that's how I look at it. At the end of the day, he's going out there, he's going to fucking, he's going to hit me in the head. He's going to hurt me. So I'm not just going to be like, oh, go on then, like just hit me, like I'm going out there to fight.
But that's where the training and then that's where everyone makes it more than it is. But really it's just, cunts just lock us in a cage and expect us to punch a shit out of each other like dogs for people's amusement. Good job, boys. He's a killing it like a mad cunts.
Come on. Don't fool me. We've gone to the core of the entire industry. It's not full of me. You can catch it at the pubs in Western Sydney all day. Yeah.
Westfield down there. We're down in Westfield on a Thursday.
You'll fucking see one. It might be 10 or 12, but you'll see one.
Yeah. They start them young. Yeah.
Before you got in the gym, before you got in the cage, it was down there in the car Yeah, that's, that's part of growing up in most, and that's a part of finding who you are and that's what makes you and breaks you. Tell us some of the mentors you've had coming up.
Mark Hunt. Is he around? Mark's a big mentor.
Yeah. He's uh, he's, he's been coaching you or kind of more of an inspire, inspiration. We're training partners. Yeah. Right. You know what I mean? We're training partners.
We were brothers before. We're boys before all of that.
And that's what, that's what it means the most to me and people where I'm from. And that's why a lot of people relate. It's not about, you know, hanging out with him because he, of course, at the start, you know, I'm like, fuck, it's Mark Hunt.
Yeah.
Like you said to a white person, it's Mark Hunt, they would be shocked. Like take it to another son or a kid, you know, who, who looks up to some of this. Do you reckon you could take both for feeders? At the same time?
It was their birthday yesterday too. Happy birthday boys.
But yeah, but yeah, yeah. He's a half cars podcast, but I was listening to the podcast you do and you know, to shout out to the, to the boys out there with the half cars podcast, plug them in, plug them in, plug them in. And you know, it might be for any of you people in, um, the more kind of gentrified and polished parts of the world, you might be able to understand and learn, learn pig Latin because I certainly tuned in and probably there was about 10, 15 minutes of A's and S A's and Adelaide's and, uh, and I think I got my head around it in the end, but um, yeah, we might get there, just stick in there.
So what's coming up? I've got a few, um, things I want to do. I've got to, I want to sign a new contract first, obviously, you know, um, so that means you'll have to go and have a long lunch with Dana or something like that.
Yeah. For sure.
I want that fucking same money that Connor's on. Hey, he worked hard, he worked hard. You pay for it. And I'm about that. You work hard, you get paid for what you fucking do.
And I know that and that's what I've been quiet and I've done my thing and I've got now I'm in the top 10 so now it's time for phase two. Tell us about that. Tell us about top 10. So you're there now. I'm your three and oh, your top 10. Are you in our position where I got to work my way to number one or you like I could knock any kind of way to fucking want to get some money. Yeah.
Do you reckon you could beat them all? Is that doesn't matter. I'll beat anyone with money.
Yeah. I do this.
That's, that's what I, this is the point I make to people. I can go down the road and punch on with anybody for nothing, for nothing. It's true. It is a hundred percent true. I can walk down a pair of handcuffs, but that's the thing. I can go there and fight every day as well.
Yeah. Inside. It does. Well, that's the same thing. You can move back to the eastern suburbs down there in Long Bay. Exactly. Front, front, fucking beachfront.
Shout out to the boys. Bro, I'm being for real. People think like, but that's where, that's my friends are there.
They're in jail. My cousins, my family are in jail and I'm, I'm not just doing this to, I can punch on.
Yeah. I'm doing this. I want to make it my, my son. Oh, you know, I want to, I want to do it for my family and other.
That's what people lose. And they forget about like, yeah, I'm doing all this, but I'm not going to be a dumb kind of just go fight. I fight. I can fight down the fucking, you know, and you'll only fall for money and that's, that's the difference.
Yeah. I'm not, I'm also, I'm not just fucking good looking, you know, there's four of the ugliest cunts sitting around a table right now, but no, but that's, that's, that's how I feel. There's no, there's no, none of that kind of a romantic kind of shit you should see the nineties boxes.
It'd be like, you know, it's not even about the money for me. It's about, it's about winning. It's like, no, no, no, it's about the money right now. I want to get my money right and then, and then I can switch my mindset to maybe wanting to, but, but it doesn't happen.
My son's not going to fucking go out and feed himself.
Yeah. You know what I mean? That's how, and that's, and that's how I make it to me. This, I fight, I'm a prize fighter, I fight for, to make a fucking living. Yeah.
Is there anyone you want to fight? Man, like I said, my money, my money's right. I'll fight any of them. Like, and that's, I want to rock up and fight regardless, you know, so, but like I said, I want to get my money and obviously I want to fight people who are up there. This is why I fight in the UFC. I want to fight the best people in the world. Like, I don't want to just go out there and fight shit cunts. I want to fight.
Yeah. Like if I lose, fuck, I lost against one of the top, you know what I mean? That's how I look at things. I don't, I'm not getting that far into it right now, but once my money's right, then I can get my training right, I can get everything right. You know what I mean?
But fuck money, don't grow on trees out here.
Now tell us, so go back to that fight where you, where you were on one in Sydney and you came down and, you know, I remember after the fight, there was that interview and it was, it was a ripper and you were talking pig Latin and you were talking about, you know, in a city where they wouldn't even put the flag on the bridge, you were wearing around your shoulders when you came into the ring and there was a lot of pride there. And then you did the call out and told literally everyone, the venue you were going to and the cross for the after party, those things kind of club tings, club tings, big tings, you know how we roll bruh. Yeah. So how do those, how do those parties go?
Cause you'd be jacked, right? You don't, you don't sleep for a while. The adrenaline's full on, you know, um, work hard, play hard.
And that's how I roll. That's fucking, are you sitting around being, see how it comes to a party, I have a good time. I'm into that, you know, that club scene. I love going out, I love being, you know, around, I love having fun. And that, and more or less I can fucking dance, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can move.
Oh bruh. Come on. Come on bruh.
You ain't in Betuda. We out west. Fucking whipster that at the pub. Heaps of line dancing.
Oh yeah. Nah there is. Yeehaw. He's a dancer. How'd you, how'd you get into that? Bam, bam. Is that from dancing? Boom, boom. But, um, it's, I think the papers gave it to me, like, and I liked it. Yeah.
It's pretty cool. It's a pretty cool nickname.
They could have given you something that you didn't want, you know, some, uh, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, some, I think the tornado side of some other. Get the fuck out of love. Tornado.
What's that? I know some people have some weird fucking names but-- Who was that other one, the Situation the other day? The Situation? The Situation. You know, the wrestler, yeah. The Situation.
That's a hectic name. Yeah, but wrestlers get to, fucking, they get to make up some match. Do you reckon you could have a little pivot there? Like what was that? I wouldn't, bro, I wouldn't, I kept the name. Fucking, they're making big coin, man. Yeah.
I'll fake hit anyone. I'll just, ooh, fake knee, bang.
Who was that bloke? I'll get dropped. Samoan bloke, we did it the other day. Is that his name?
Yeah, yeah, he's gone. He's gone straight in. He's wearing leotards and shit.
You'll be, you could do that.
I'm a fucking weirdo now.
Oh, jumpsuit.
Fucking Daniel Vito, he invited us to the club the other week. He wasn't even there. He was a ghost. That's his fucking, that's his wrestling name, the ghost. That's what he was. He fucking ghosted it on me. Yeah, he had the bottles there for you. Yeah, he fucking had shit.
So you're lining up, you're lining up contracts now. You're talking contracts.
Yeah, I want to, yeah. And then, and then you talk fight. Yeah.
And you're gonna lock yourself away for 10, we said 10 weeks?
Yeah, it's something like that, but I've gotten better. I've gotten better reach each time.
So I copped a big injury. Yeah. And I was out, I was, yeah, I was out bad. What was that? So I had to get knee reco on my knee. I fucking snapped nearly everything in my knee from the fight. Right.
And then when I woke- Was that a paid fight? Was that a- Yeah, it was to get into the UFC. So I, you know, if you win this fight, you get in the UFC. I was like, yeah, sweet. So he snapped my knee. But you won the fight? Yeah, I won the fight.
With a puck. He gave up. And then I've gone in just for surgery, nine and a half hour surgery, and I woke up and I had no feeling in my arm. Jesus. So I couldn't use my arm completely for six months. Shit.
So I signed the fight for Sydney. I signed it.
My arm wasn't even good to go. Yeah, my arm wasn't good to go.
Jesus. It's still tingly on the inside. Right.
They had no explanation at all. They thought maybe the surgery and shit. Well, they just blamed it on the old fat trick, I think.
Yeah. Well, they did the old, cause you're a heavy bloke, your arm's off the bed. And like, fuck off cunts. Why don't you move me? Fuck my arm. Like I'm there naked, dead, and you can't even move me arm around. Like you're fucking. But I'm not going to sit around and fucking cry about it, you know what I mean?
Yeah, you won three fights since then. And then I had the birth of my son.
I wasn't working. I had no, I couldn't fight.
Like I was just signed the UFC contract. And man, for a whole year there, I just sat on the lounge and fucking was in, you know, in bad places. So it was just, once I finally got that debut, it was just like, fuck yeah.
It's like. Finally. It's fucking over.
And now it's just, I've got it in my head. I've played it over a million times. And I'm gonna keep going. I'm on the way that I'm meant to go.
You spent enough time on the couch? I did the whole year, but now it's phase two. I don't usually come out in the west. So I'm out now. I'm out and about now.
The same fucking DJ that you get at year six fucking discos. Can't plays Bob the Builder still. I go in and say, what? Why do they play that music? The can't plays the same.
Defensive? It had to be for Carton Natural. Yeah. Fuck off. Go up and play up in the mountain, the Batoodle fucking something.
Get a proper DJ in there Panthers. Panthers, get a proper DJ in there.
So do you reckon, had you, you know, maybe been playing at home when you were playing footy, maybe been out for Panthers or something like that. And there wasn't a home sickness. And for whatever reason you decided to, or you were able to stay, the conditions allowed you to play. Do you reckon you could have played rep footy?
Oh, for sure. You reckon?
If I put my mind to it, I'll just go hunt. I'll just go in and I'll just try it and give it a crack.
And footy, I love footy. And I was good at it, but get to the point where I just didn't, it's just not the same as playing. Yeah. Growing up, you play with kids, you spend fuck four or five days a week with, you know what I mean? So by the time you get in the footy, you just want to smash someone with your mates. And that's how I always played footy. And then once you get to, as a, as a job level, I was like, oh fuck, this is, this is a job. Like they come here, they train, they play and then they go home. Like it's, so it just wasn't, but I'll fucking give it a crack. I reckon I could play still. You'll play origin?
No. The fetus did mate.
I'll have to get some running under me. I actually, I run probably more now than I do.
But my attitude was, I was young. It's all about attitude. If your attitude is in something and you've got what it takes to back it up, then you're going to make it. It's just, it's just how it is. You could be the most talented person, but if your attitude, if your, if your, if your head's not there, then you're going to be let down one or the other.
And my head wasn't there for footy. So I was probably never going to make it. I had all the, you know, I think that now if I played footy, I would, I would be totally different. I reckon I could, I could make first grade, probably make it, everyone's like, nah, you over. Yeah, I was like, fuck off.
So what's the recovery like after a big, after a big fight? And then a night of club dings. Yeah.
After, after that fight, I couldn't go out. I was fucked, I was just like, yeah. I just literally couldn't go out. And even if I went out, the security would probably be like, ah.
You've been fucked, haven't you? Yeah. You tripped over. G ran into the door, did you? You know, like. Fell into the weights. But yeah, after the last fight I was fucked, man, yeah.
So when is the aching stop? You still aching? Foot's a bit sore.
My shoulders had like from previous. So, so right now I'm just like getting my injuries checked out and I'm going to start training back. Ty's got back yesterday.
So we're going to start moving around next week, but nothing, I don't get too hard out. I fucking, I bored myself out and then I'll just stop.
So we're talking contracts. We're talking maybe another five. We're also talking money. So maybe this is now and leave it to us, Ty. Maybe Nike could be looking at releasing a new line of bum bags with, with, with a certain face on them. I don't know. Think about it.
TNs, you can get your own line of them. TNs, sold out.
Yeah. The air. Anything, sold out. Air bam bams. Sold out. Yeah.
Let's get this guy some endorsement. Oh, I love it. We're excited for you. We're excited to see where you go. Sounds like you've got the right people around you.
Got this bloke sitting here in the corner, giggling the whole time. Fuck the whole session.
Your back voice, I know how it works. Fucking noise outside. So they got a proper room. If the wind picks up, you hear the twigs on the roof. Ting, ting, ting. The music cuts are like, fuck. Start again. That's half cast podcast by the way. Listen to that one too, you might hear.
Yeah, a few fucking trees in the roof. A lot of foliage out there in Mount Druitt. So you might get a bit of leaves and twigs coming through.
But thanks for joining us, mate. We're looking forward to big things coming from you. Thank you. And yeah, look after yourself. Always, you too. And that goes for you listeners as well. That's it for this week. Hell of an interview, quite insightful. We're tied to Evasa. Listeners out there, you look after yourselves and you'd be kind to each other. What he said. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_96_Alexander_Volkanovski | Great mate. How are we getting into today's show? We've got an announcement to make, don't we Clancy?
Yes, yes, we do Errol, we're very pleased to announce that the recording booth down here at Desert Rock FM, where we serve up some of our very best shit talk, will henceforth be known as the Budgie Smuggler booth, you might have heard me announce that just before. Yes, that's right, they were our very first sponsor out of town apart from the army and the other billion dollar national resource companies who have been in the diamond container and been sponsoring our airwaves for decades. So yes, thank you to the good people at Budgie Smuggler who are a booming part of the uniquely Australian zeitgeist that we try and dissect and deep dive into each and every week. They're a local brand who make their swimwear right here in Australia and are getting behind our local news organ. They were actually the founding slash original advertiser of the digital edition of the Batooter Advocate, so if you don't like what we say then please forward your complaints to them and if you like what we say then go ahead and visit their website and get behind them. Budgiesmuggler.com.au, that's budgiesmuggler.com.au, you can even jump on and grab yourself a pair of the limited edition Batooter Jugongs Budgie Smugglers that the club has made up specially just to commemorate the historic season, big year 2019 for the Batooter Jugongs. Anyway, Budgie Smuggler, that's the sponsor, swimwear made in Australia and we're actually quite excited today, we get to bring in 2020 with a bit of a hoorah.
We're joined by Alexander the Great, Volkanovski, another south coast boy in here, we've had a couple come in, into the Batooter Advocate, and Dr. Carl in particular. Yeah, yeah, but Dr. Carl wasn't, you know, he isn't a world champion of anything really. He's a scientist. There's plenty of scientists in this world, I think there's too many.
But there's only one UFC champ coming out of the south coast of the world. The other way champ, that's it. Now you defeated Max Holloway in Las Vegas, a bit over a month ago, your hands a bit wrapped up at the moment, what's going on?
Yeah, broken in the fight, yeah, so it's just, I guess it's part of what we do, you know what I mean? Obviously we want to get out of there, it's a sport but you need to punch face, so sometimes you bust your hand, there's just nothing we can do about that. Is the face, punching someone's head the most risky thing you're going to do for the bones? Mate, to be honest, a lot of the times my biggest injuries have usually been from damage from maybe, from punching or kicking and stuff like that, from actually doing the damage I've actually, but I mean, it's just I guess anything can happen mate. You could be just walking down the stairs here and just trip over and break your leg, you know what I mean? I haven't had no big injuries like that, but in my last fight before the title against Aldo when I was kicking with legs both, actually this fight was sore as well, both legs were just so sore from all the kicks and stuff like that, but I ended up getting a bad infection on the leg after the fight, and just yeah, I was stuck in Chile hospital after all my way home from Brazil. But again, just from kicking and all that and then I got infected somehow, I don't know what I've done, but.
He's actually still pretty, you know, pretty, pretty up top, you haven't taken too many punches to the face, your nose isn't that? Yeah, it's not too bad, I never was good looking, but I still look the same maybe, that's what I mean. Yeah, you haven't got any gaps in your eyebrows? No, I've got some, I wouldn't be lying if I said I haven't got stitches, but yeah, maybe I got lucky.
But I mean, you just can't see through these bushy eyebrows, these are thick bushy eyebrows. It's funny actually to say that, every time I do Facebook Live, like with the UFC, they make us do that, and for some reason, I didn't think it was that bad, like people just sit there, like obviously the camera's right in front of me, and I'll be there and then they'll just be like, oh no, look at his eyebrows, they're alright, they'll just start throwing that out, I didn't think it was that bad, and I remember the wife, she's telling me, she's going, no, they keep paying you out about your eyebrows.
You're reading everything.
I'd say, I'd say I don't care, but my last haircut, I actually got him to fix it up a little bit, so. Now, you haven't lost a fight since 2013. No, I haven't, yeah, not bad.
So do you reckon you took your, because obviously we interviewed Bam Bam, we've interviewed a few different fighters in here, and one thing Bam Bam said to us is he goes, and he's only the youngest man, I'm still learning this shit, and I've got to learn how to lose. So does this come earlier in your career, or are you on a hot streak? Yeah, well yeah, definitely a lot, I've only had the one loss, but I mean, it's just, again, obviously some people, with that loss, obviously I learned a lot from that loss, as cliche as it is, but I learned a lot from my loss, you know, a lot of things happened from there, so I went from just going for that big overhand right knock out, that's it, you know, my grappling, I used to wrestle, so my wrestling was strong and that, but my grappling, I didn't really know much grappling, so he was able to control me and stuff, even though I ended up getting finished, but he was able to control me, and that's something that my coach was like, alright, we're doing grappling, and then I literally learned so much, and obviously I was a division, two divisions heavier than where I'm at now, it made me be like, alright, enough of fighting these big boys, and let's do some grappling, started doing that, and now, like, literally my fights after that, I was known as a grappler, so that just shows you how much it really did change, and like it woke me up a little bit, but I'm the type of person that I train hard, you know, I don't need to lose to, you know, a lot of people lose and be like, oh, I need to pick things back up, so I'm always preparing for the worst, always, day in, day out.
So, tell us a little bit about, south coast, where you're from, Illawarra, that hasn't got a big reputation like Western Sydney does, or, you know, or Brisbane, or even Auckland nowadays, where did that come from? Where, how did it start?
That just, man, I've always been into martial arts, but, you know, Was it wrestling? Yeah, I did wrestle, I wrestled when I was younger, so I played, I used to play soccer, was terrible at that, so I ended up doing a bit of, I think wrestling was after that, done some wrestling, and I'd done a couple of years, and I was actually pretty good at that, but I got over wearing the tights and stuff, and I wanted to hang out with the mates, so I was, I sort of gave that up and played football, rugby league, and... Gorilla. Gorilla, gorillas, that's it, you know what I mean, like, it was, yeah, it was, you know, just something that I've always wanted to do, though, so I've always had it in the back of my mind, and stuff like that, there's plenty of gyms, and no matter where you go in Australia, there's gyms everywhere, but obviously, we probably don't have the numbers as you would in Sydney, or Western Sydney, and stuff like that, but, mate, I was just committed and wanted to get it done, and look where we are now, so it's just crazy. Well, you said earlier that you were known as a grappler. How many of those skills do you think have transferred over from your days in rugby league, obviously, now, in the modern game, where the grapple is a really key part of the game, especially for a prop? Yeah, we're exactly right, yeah, a lot of people look at me, he's probably the first look to me, he's like, he's a prop? What, he used to be a prop? Yeah. Yeah, but, yeah, just, yeah, just me, and it was just bloody, again, like football, I wrestled before that, so that helped me with my football, rugby league, and I guess I've just always, you know, I've always been very hard to tackle, always had a very good base, whether it was from wrestling, I don't know, and just, I guess, just having that mongrel as well, you know what I mean, having that ticker, you know, so I've always been the type of person that, even when I play football, and if we're on our 10-meter line, and we need to get out, I was like, give me the ball, you know what I mean, I'll do two, three head-ups in one set, like I used to actually do that a fair bit, because I just, that's just, I guess, the type of person I always was, so, a lot of that sort of stuff really did come into my MMA, I do believe that, so obviously toughness, and all that sort of stuff, and ticker, and drive, and all that sort of stuff, obviously you've got to be powerful in that as well, quick on the feet, and just, you know, there's so much that, definitely come into, to MMA, that's why you see a lot of like, you know, rugby league players, or that, you know, AFL players, whatever it is, you get a lot of them that turn into, you know, boxes, or whatever, so they're all athletic, you know what I mean, so, yeah, that definitely helped to bring me where I was.
Let me get this right, you were playing front row, for the Warilla Gorillas, at 97 kilos, and 168 centimeters, so you were what they would call a nugget, in that particular game, and then you got down to, how much? I fight at 145 now, so, sorry, it's a hundred and five pounds. That's 65 kilograms.
That is, aside from everything, that's a weight loss journey. Yeah, man, look, I want to see how heavy, man, that's exactly right, mate, you have seen photos. It's just heaps of cardio, and good diet. Diet's everything, you know, really isn't, as much as it sucks to say, like we always want to eat, everyone wants to eat. You're trying to eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, mate, it's so true.
But, you know, it's just, yeah, again, it needs to be done, but obviously, the training as well, it's bloody... It was slow, like I didn't try and lose it all straight, or obviously you need to when you're fighting and that, but it was just, for me, slowly going down in divisions, and like doing the weight cuts, I just slowly, my weight just kept dropping, so I'd make weight, go back up a bit, but every time I went back up, like, you know, every couple of fights, I would always be that couple of kilos lighter, and that just kept happening, you know, I'm 26 fights, I think, deep now, so now I sit around, you know, I'll sit around 75 kilograms, you know, I'm probably a little bit heavier after Christmas right now, but... I was gonna ask that, how do you get through Greek Easter while you're getting prepared for a fight? Mate, every weekend's like that for me, man, I'll diet all week just so I can go crazy on the weekend, as you said, train all week, diet all week just so I can eat on the weekend, that's just, it's still like that today.
Are you finding a big following around the world from the Massos and the Greek community? Yeah, yeah, man, well, actually, yeah, definitely. Yeah, you know, it's a tricky one, that one is as well, so, you know, yeah, a lot of the Greeks... Walking in both worlds. Yeah, yeah, a lot of the Greeks don't know I'm half Greek, and you know, and they, yeah, so it's funny, like with the, yeah, I can't even get into the politics and that really, but you know, it's just the... It's historic either way. Yeah, yeah, exactly, but I mean, you know, definitely, you know, obviously it's, you know, my family's, it means a lot to me, and then even there's just support from, you know, again, obviously Australian, Macedonian, Greek, it's unreal.
Because Connor's biggest, loudest Irish fans aren't from Ireland, you know?
Oh, right, yeah. You know, the Boston Irish thing, so. Yep. It'll be interesting when they do figure it out and they start flying into your fights from Athens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe. We'll see what happens when that happens anyway, yeah.
Now, tell us a little bit about training of late. You've been in New Zealand? No, well, before my fight, I was in New Zealand, so I was over there for, obviously, my camp and that. So I'm based here at Freestyle Fighting Gym, just there, just Wollongong, the gong, just south of Wollongong, Freestyle Fighting Gym. So I'm based out of there, I'm always there, but, you know, I usually do my camps, like I might go to Tugamoytay whenever I can, you know, that's in Thailand, so that's a bit of a trek, especially with the family and that, and kids. So I usually try and go to Auckland, and obviously, Auckland's been one of our affiliated gyms, like we've been training at City Kickbox, and obviously a really good gym, very well known right now. So yeah, we've been there a fair bit, so I go there a fair bit, but right now, with my broken hand, like I'm still training, still doing whatever I can, getting them legs going, shitload of left hooks and jabs and stuff like that, but yeah, just doing what I can.
You were training with one of the big personalities, growing in the, we were just talking about Connor before, and obviously Bam Bam, everyone, there's a lot of personalities in what you do, and I guess that comes with being a fighter, is being a bit of an extrovert. What's it like hanging around with the style bender? He's a cool dude, honestly. A lot of people are only gonna see what they see on the TV, all that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, he's a great guy, especially that gym at City Kickbox, and being there, again, we're a part of the team now, we're part of the family, but it is honestly a family fuel over there, so he's been nothing but supportive for me, even before the title and that, things that they've done just to help me, even whether it's trying to amp up the title fight, for me to get the title fight, they were going out of their way, and he was even going out of his way to put it out there that I deserve the next shot, and just little things like that, and even coming to my fights, he was their sidelines, and he got a bit emotional after the fight as well, got a bit teary with one of my sponsors and friends, so it just shows you a lot of people, we trained a lot of blood, sweat, and tears going to the gym, and it means a lot, but again, a lot of people won't see that side of it, they're just gonna see, but honestly, it's weird, a lot of people, it's not an act either, so he'll just say he's always been like a confident type of person, but when I say that, I don't mean like cocky, but I mean he's just confident in what he does, like you know what I mean, like even when it comes to dancing or whatever it is, even I remember meeting him the first time in Thailand, and even I just remember we went to one of the beaches, I think we'd done stair sprints, I can't remember what we'd done, but then he was just in the water, and just things he says, you know what I mean, like he's there and he's soaking up the energy, and it's something he says. Yeah, yeah, exactly, and he's like, oh, you know, whatever he says, I can't even say it, but you know what I mean, he's just charisma, you know what I mean, it's just with everything. Pure charisma. This was early, this was way before UFC, this was when he was still kickboxing, didn't have many MMA fights, you could tell, like, a lot of people talking to him because he was such a great kickboxer, so I was like, look at him and going, ah, yeah, there's that like sort of star that you could sort of see early, and everyone did, you know.
Can you tell us a little bit, we had Dylan Nappa in here the other day, talking about, there was a great photo of him after he won, the Roosters won the grand final, 2018, and how he was photographed wearing boots the day after, two days after, still in his footy boots. Oh, okay, he in the same footy boots. Yeah, he just didn't change his kit. No, just like head to toe in the stuff that he walked off ANZ in. He was wearing it two days later.
That's how it's gotta be done. What's it like in Vegas? After a fight like that, and you go and celebrate, do you not celebrate straight after? Is your body still taxed? Man, it's hard, it really is, it's hard.
Especially, you know what I mean, I've always seen your plans out, I'm telling them, save your energy for life. I said it in Vegas, I'm like, save up, save up, like don't, because I had mates come there, and they went for like three days straight. And I'm like, you know, exactly, wait, you know, wait for me. You're like, oh, you're in Vegas, you know.
And I was like, I said that, and then, you know, by the time you have your fight, and then you're doing your media, I didn't get back to them, I finished probably 10 o'clock. I didn't get to them till one in the morning, maybe. By the time I could even get there and have a drink.
And by then, you're stuck with a throb. Yeah, exactly, you know, drill and dump. And then you're like, done all the media, then you're like, far out, and obviously you got a bit of pain, sore legs from kicking, and a broken hand.
Then you got, everyone's like blind by then as well, you can imagine, I stayed there, and they've been drinking all day. And then they're just coming up, I had like a swollen ear, like a bit of my, oh, this ear was. Patting you on the head. Yeah, patting me on the head, and my hand, they're going like that, and they're just drunk, and I'm like, oh, like just in pain the whole night.
I'm like, get me out of here, man. I felt in that bag because I wanted to party with them, but I just couldn't, you know. So usually, a lot of times that does happen, so I always end up hanging out with the guys and want to get back home, so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not too crazy, even in Vegas. After a big fight, how long is it until you feel completely normal again? You know, like. Aside from the injury. Yeah, and all, and all like. Mentally. Like, oh, I'm still a bit sore. Okay, so you're talking like physically. Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. Mentally, this is something that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, a lot of people would, like you said, like, you know, your champ and that, like, you know. Come down.
Yeah, but for me, it's just, man, I'm back to normal like that. Really? Yeah, man, I'm weird. I'm a bit different, like.
So you don't stay awake all night after a win?
No, no, well, I'm doing. No, no, I'll like have the belt, and I'm like looking at the belt and be like, far out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a belt, and I'm like, I even see there's a video out there, and I'm like, oh, man, I'm too, like, I'm too level headed in this. I'm starting, like, getting angry, like, how calm and relaxed, and it's just normal. I felt, okay, you're the champ. What are you doing? Wake up, you know what I mean?
It's weird. But feeling, yeah, it was, obviously it was broken out to add surgery and stuff like that. The shins are even now my right shin. Like, I can start hitting the bag now, but it's even still a bit tender. But, you know, walking around the couple of days after still in pain, but I actually like that feeling sometimes. Yeah. Even in football, when I used to play a big game before, we got a couple of bumps and bruises. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're limping through the clubhouse. It was a little bit of fun.
Like, did you see that happening?
The gyms changed the way everyone behaved in the pubs and stuff in the town. Once those MMA gyms started rolling out, everyone always says, Richie Bass told us, he said, you didn't want to be up in the hotel in Maroubra after the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym opened up because all these little kids knew how to do sleeper holds and stuff like that.
Oh, okay. Mate, honestly, it's funny you say that, mate.
Obviously, when I was a bit younger, I don't know. I guess I don't go out to town, you know, you don't see me in the nightclub, so maybe I just think it's different because I don't see it every time.
But it's just that back in the day, like, you know, obviously MMA, UFC, and all that stuff wasn't so common. Jiu Jitsu wasn't that common.
So, you know, a lot of people would be like, oh, you know, and got this ego. And, you know, they've never fought in their life, but they've still got this chip in their shoulder or whatever it is. But now, I swear, it's not like that. So many people come up to me, oh, man, you must get people coming up to you trying to fight you all the time. And honestly, I'd never get that. You know, they'd probably look there and go, oh, this guy literally fights for a living, man, go on there, you know what I mean?
And it's funny, I don't know if it's, again, if it's just me or, obviously, we're older, so I'm communicating with older people. Maybe that's why I feel like it's changed because we just grew up. But, you know, even a lot of people, it's so common for people who are male, I couldn't punch myself out of a paper bag. You know what I mean? People are comfortable to say, I can't throw them, you know what I mean? But I swear, I guess we're younger, or even the older generation, like, I'd talk to my coach and all that, and he's still a bit like that, so he's like, ah, yeah, you know, like, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, still the same. Punch on for fun. Yeah, but you're just there like, oh, yeah, make you look like a girl, yeah. It's better to get paid to do it. Yeah, exactly right.
But I don't know, but yeah, is it different? Do you notice that, or is it- I think what you're saying is true. Yeah, it's a little bit different.
Yeah, but people have training now. People have training now, so it's hard to know.
This is so true, bud. Like, when we spoke to BamBam, it's like, how did you get into this? How do you get from being out west in Sydney to being top of the pyramid in Vegas, going for the world champ a lot? And he goes, mate, I was just really good at flogging counts.
How's that? I can't do that.
Really, really good. That's why I was coming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was. Look, man. That's how I got into it. Yeah, it was. But that's where he's from too. Like, that's, I mean, that's a punchy town, man. True it. Yeah.
But it's also now that you're right, so people have training now. So it's almost like people second guess and people think about it. Oh, man, maybe. Because it's like, if someone knows how to throw them through a MMA gym, it's like they're out with a gun. So you've just got to be careful. Yeah, exactly. Well, man, look, I've got a couple of guys that work at algebra. My coach owns a security business. Yeah. So you look at some of these guys that train there, like, they work for him. I guarantee you there would have been people starting on him. Like, you know what I mean?
Like, they look very young. Still, look, you're very young.
And they literally, like you said, putting them to sleep and stuff. It's so easy for them. They're like, hey, calm down. Next minute, they're snoring.
You know what I mean? Like, it's just, maybe I'll probably get my coach in trouble for that.
But, you know, it's just these, again, like, man, you, I remember when I first went to a gym, there was a guy, actually, still go there now, Blake Stage. He goes there, and he was always really good at jiu-jitsu, and he was a lot younger than me. And I've always been really strong. But, I mean, even the technique that he had was still made it very hard for me. Like, he's even got me in submission. I was like, what? Even though I was still strong, I had that wrestling base.
But it just shows you. I mean, like, you gotta be careful you're messing nowadays, man. It's a blowout.
But, again, wherever that changes, obviously, you're still gonna get people that don't care about that. I mean, on top of all the base you had, Greek or Roman, wrestling, rugby league, soccer, you said, all the different things you've done, do you reckon growing up with an old man who was a concreter helped you? Mate, yeah. Does that keep you fit? Because you're still out there laying slabs when you're home, aren't you? Yeah, well, no, yeah, that's, no more conquering for me, that's for sure.
But I was gonna say, bloody, yeah, with that, again, it's a hard job, right? So you gotta be pretty physical getting into that and all that sort of stuff. Was that what you were doing before? I was, yeah, I was doing that before fighting and then even when I was fighting, obviously, in MMA, it's not very financial forgiving, you know what I mean? Even when you're in the UFC, people think, whoa, it ain't like that, it ain't.
But you know what I mean? So you're conquering. You get a lot of UFC fighters that still work. So, you know, it's just, but that's just how it is. Until you get to the top, when you're, now with the belt, things are gonna start changing. So that's good, you know what I mean? Now I can finally get back to the family. So that's cool, but yeah, just, yeah.
So tell us between fights, before anything's been announced or anything, like you're waiting on fights, just when you're kind of in that lull, what are you doing with yourself? It's not really a holiday, it's still, you maintain or?
I train all year round. You train like you got a fight coming up all the time. Yeah, yeah, I do. So I train like, no, I wouldn't say like I've got a fight coming up, but I will always wanna be at a, you know, I'm always working strength.
Even now, obviously there's certain things I can do, but you know, after that, after my fights, I'm just working strength and things that I can get stronger and whatever. And then you still work and you can evolve. That's the time to evolve. Because when it's fight time, or when you're, you know, you're getting ready for that fight. You're getting fit enough for that fight. A lot of energy and a lot of focus goes into getting ready for that specific fight. So when you're not fighting, best time to evolve, learn new skills. You know, if you don't do much jujitsu, go smash jujitsu if you're a stand up fighter. Say, you know what I mean, vice versa. If you're a ground guy, just go work some striking and then strength, surely, you know, you're not, you know, you're not explosive enough. Go work on explosiveness.
So that's what we really get into. And I like to, I've just always been like that. I just train, you know, I'll fight. If I'm not too banged up, I'll be there on the Monday. I really will, you know what I mean? So I just think that really does help. But then once it's fight time, I got a good base to go into camp and then I can really come get fight fit.
But not everyone's like that. You get a lot of UFC fighters that, I was actually talking about this just yesterday with my coach that, you get a lot of UFC fighters at the height of the pinnacle of the sport that they'll fight and then as soon as they fight, they just do nothing till the next camp, nothing.
Just go and drink and just do whatever. But I just think, man, like, you know, and then they go and get straight into it. I was like, you know, I just think you can evolve so much. But, you know, I guess everyone likes to eat and likes to party, so what do you do?
What's Thailand like? How early on in your fighting career were you when you first went to Thailand?
And where did you kind of see that? 2014, I'm trying to think how old I would have been then. So, yeah, 26 years old or something, geez.
Yeah, I went there because I went for a tryouts. It was a Togemu Thai tryouts. So that was actually crazy, man, that you should see some videos of that. If you can go 2014, Togemu Thai tryouts, it's like, mate, you should have seen this. It was tough.
We had the Muay Thai coaches do a session for us. It was a Muay Thai session, and they bashed us. And when I say bashed, it wasn't just, slap us around with, like, they were, like, knees to the body, guys got stitches on their chin, guys, like, busted ribs.
Guys getting put, like, the windows didn't break. I mean, the mirrors didn't break, I don't know how.
Like, getting kneed into, I just don't know, like, it was crazy. You watch that and people are like, what's going on? Like, why? They're literally bashing these guys. It was just purely to see how we'd take it, you know what I mean? It was weird.
And they're paying good money to go and get bashed. Yeah, well, I think it was more, because a lot of them were MMA fighters. The Muay Thai stand up, I guess they probably, this was the first time, this was early when the MMA started rolling into Togemu Thai. So they were like, we will, let's see what these guys are made of. So they didn't really do that to the Muay Thai fighters, but they done it to the MMA fighters. And some of them, if you coward that little bit, that's it, they're going on. And I mean, like this, you watch some guys.
That's a red flag for them, red rag. Yeah, man, they're dropping to the floor, hands and knees, and they're like, oh, like literally out, like crying. Who can't even breathe?
They're showing stitches of guys getting like this. The footage is actually out there. It's actually full on. That's brutal.
So that was a, it ain't always like that. Just so you know, if he's wearing a gun. When have they got you staying, are you staying in bunk beds, or what's the- No, no, you could stay, like, sort of, that was on you to stay wherever you wanted, but you can just rock up there and find spots, you know, spots everywhere. It's obviously really cheap. Yeah. Great experience. It was good for fighters. Obviously it's a cheap living. You get a lot of guys that go there and they'll just fight and live there. You know what I mean? But it's a different sort of world, that's for sure. But it was a good experience.
So obviously if you want to learn, especially talking Muay Thai, obviously it's a Muay Thai gym, you know, and it's in Thailand. So people just think it's Muay Thai, but the wrestling, they got the Hickman brothers over there. So they're my wrestling coaches. So they're just, yeah, very, very, very good. You know, the MMA, they got good kickboxing there. Then they got Muay Thai, the jutsu really good. So it's unreal. Now the premise of the UFC, I guess, early days was, let's see what all these different disciplines, who's the best, I guess.
And what would you say? I mean, you come from, is it a rare kind of base you have in Greco-Roman wrestling, or a lot of blokes come through? No, that's very common. Very common. They usually say that's probably the best base to have.
Yeah, right. Going into MMA. Obviously, mate, wrestling, like I'm glad I sort of only done a little bit and I didn't do it like as professionally as, like I said, I've got my wrestling coaches and they tell me. At the Olympics or something. Oh, mate, you should see that, mate. Like I reckon wrestling's probably one of the hardest sports in the world. Yeah, right.
I honestly believe that. I honestly do believe that.
Some like the scrambles you got to get the, you know, the situations you're putting in wrestling and you need to be prepared for that. It's just day in, day out, just grinding. You know what I mean? And it's just a blowout. So it's just the, that'll honestly think. It looks exhausting. So yeah, not only is it a good base to have, cause you got the control, you can take people down, you can work control, but then you've got your cardio, you know, you've got the drive, you're strong, you know, your core, like everything. There's so much that comes out of just doing that your whole life. So, you know, MMA is not easy at all either. So you go in there, they do the weight cuts, they do it also. You get what I mean? So there's a lot, you're sort of mentally and physically prepared for what MMA is going to throw at you. Yeah.
What about striking? Is that the Muay Thai? Yeah, Muay Thai is another really good base to have. You know, I've heard coaches like, well, Eugene, so the one at City Kickbox and Israel's coach, he says that stand up is probably the best base to have because every fight starts on its feet, which is a good point, you know?
So you need to at least get them down. So you're in danger till you get them down, especially if you're one of the best strikers in the world.
Yeah. So, you know, that makes sense. Definitely makes sense. But again, all bases are going to be pretty good to have, but I think wrestling and striking is always going to be a pretty solid base. Yeah. Jujitsu is really good. Yeah. Jujitsu is very, very good and you need Jujitsu, but I just think to start off, I think the wrestling and the striking is probably your best.
So it's been a very long road to get where you are now. Are you looking out of the future? Like, you know- You're still looking ahead? Well, yeah, like now that you've reached, you know, the highest peak, is there another peak that you can kind of look around and climb now?
The good thing about this for me is- State of origin. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, you can make my comeback. Come back to rugby league and let's go. No, just the good thing about me is, I look at it like, you know, I want to be successful in that. You know, I've got a family. I promise I've been a family man and all. You know, that's me. So my drive doesn't end until, you know what I mean? I can comfortably look after my family for the rest of my life. Yeah.
And we're nowhere near that. So my drive's always going to be there.
Did you ever married up before the fighting? Or was that already happening when you guys met? No, oh yeah, we were together before MMA started.
Okay. So that's also been a big journey. Your wife is sitting here to see you kind of now decide to fight other humans for a crust. Yeah, man. But yeah, definitely, definitely. So it was crazy.
She was there when, oh maybe when I was in wrestling, but you know, rugby league. And then just to see everything, she's seen everything like come in. Watching you get more and more contact from soccer.
Another thing is you've got to be pretty supportive as well. Again, this ain't financially forgiving. And we even had, I was like trying to, I went full time before I was in the UFC and we were struggling and then we had our first born. Yeah, right. And it starts getting tough. Like it really does. You know what I mean? Like you're like, you know, but luckily, you know, she was supportive because there's a lot of people telling her and myself, oh, when are you going to give this up?
Not that they want to knock you down, but it's just, you know, they're just thinking they're looking after you. They don't know this sport really. So they're just thinking, what are you wasting your time in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little they know, I'm going to be UFC champion in a few years, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, for sure.
They should have believed. But I guess that also comes from a place where they're looking at Australian boxers who tend to fight until they're 56. So that, you know, that's probably another thought, but it's different now and it's different. And UFC has provided Australian fighters with much bigger opportunities than you could ever get in.
Well, that's the thing. In the hooded pavilion. The opportunity here, yeah. With opportunities, that's a good point. So that's what it is.
Obviously with everything nowadays, especially with obviously how the world works and social media and all that sort of stuff, building your brand's a big thing. You know what I mean? So you've been in the UFC, you've got to build your brand and you know, people know you and then the opportunities are endless. You get what I mean? One of the highest paid people in the UFC would probably be Joe Rogan. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't even know if he's had a fight. No, he hasn't, but mate, yeah.
He would be, wouldn't he? He's bloody, he's good at what he does. But you know, he does actually, have you seen him? Like kick the bag and that? He's got a wicked spinning heel kick. I'll give you that, give him that, eh? But maybe 20 years ago, he'd be a real handful.
Yeah, exactly, yeah. On the stand-up circuit. Yeah, but yeah, it's just, mate, well, that's funny, you can pick that up.
Even Bruce Buffer and all that, I'm pretty sure they're highest paid in the UFC. So the people outside fighting get paid the most, but anyway.
You're on a bit of a press junket today, but we'll ask you one more. I'm interested in what it's like at those weigh-ins, because that looks like almost half the theater, right? All those, you know, you've got everyone looking at each other and you know, sometimes you'll even have old mate, what's his name, Dana, standing in the middle of these fighters.
What's that like? What's the room like there?
Or is that for you, as you kind of pointed out, you're just one of those in-and-out kind of guys. I'm just, yeah, man, I'm just different, you know?
Obviously I've got to look the part, right? So a lot of times I'm on there and I'll be like, oh yeah. Putting on a... Yeah, yeah, yeah, do that. Oh yeah, wave to the crowd, you know? Oh yeah, don't forget to do this, you know? Have good posture, you know? Whatever it is, you know what I mean? Whatever it is, but I've got a little trick. If you ever have to do a face-off, look at the nose, right here on the nose, just above the bridge of your nose, which is called that bridge, right here. So then, because a lot of people, even when I done it with Max and all that, that's my trick, so even when I do meet and greets and all that, a lot of people want photos and all that, they want to do face-offs. And I nail it every time.
I don't budge, so I just sit there and I look and that's my spot. And I look right there and it looks like you're looking at their eyes anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as you're not too close, you're probably gonna go a bit cross-eyed. But as long as you're not too close, but you look at them and you look right there.
And it was funny, because I've got Max Holloway and you're there, and again, it's a sort of awkward, unless you get some people like, oh, they're really trying to mean mug and all that, but me and Max, pretty respectful type of guys, so we're just trying to do that. But he's there and he's looking at each eye and he would have to switch. So he's doing this one, he's trying to focus and I'm just, I'm like, I ain't budging. Yeah, he was struggling here.
But you know, yeah, again, it's just a bit of fun. You know, it's all part of it. People like it, but I haven't had real heated ones yet.
But again, some people literally think that they'll look at you and they'll think, oh, he's scared, yeah, I've got him, I've got him. I've got the cheek in his armor, yeah, yeah. Mate, I guarantee you people have thought that before we fought. Punch their head through the canvas the same.
Yeah, plenty of them came since 2013.
Now, rematch, Holloway, Wynn Stadium. How's that sound? Wynn Stadium, yeah, yeah, yeah. A pay-per-view event at Wynn Stadium, you know, that might be hard to organize, but man, I reckon, hey, there's potential for a fight like that on top. I really do believe that, but that'd be cool. Or even just Sydney, obviously get a main event here in Sydney where that'd be unreal. Big, big stadium, but.
I don't like the sound of the thriller in Illawarra.
Mate, I reckon it's gonna happen eventually. Battle of the gong. Eventually we'll get something then. And then we could get, what did we get?
Trent Barrett in there with a plumber, you know, just. As the curtain raiser. Well, it wasn't a Matt Cooper and Paul Gallant talking about that, last few years, so hopefully that's where it happens. Well, thanks for joining us today.
Alexander the Great, we personally in Batuta like the volcano, has that ever been thrown around?
Man, I've got that many nicknames. That's been one of them, VDUB, VW, yeah, I've got them all.
Alexander the Great, right now, Volkanovsky, thank you for joining us and all the best, mate, with the rest of your career. Thanks for having me. Sounds exciting. Yeah, thanks for having me. He's on the island all the way out. Thanks, mate. Cheers. |
cracked | why_thanos_might_just_defeat_himself_in_avengers_3 | Thanos is the evil destroyer of universes in the Marvel... um... universe. You know, the guy we mainly see glimpses of at the end credits of the Avengers movies and a little bit during the film, sort of like L.V. in the video for Gangster's Paradise. Thanos is the big bad guy, and to be quite honest, the most insanely powerful character in comics.
He was so damn powerful, he became the living embodiment of the universe. How do you even... the... what? He has powers like matter manipulation, time travel, teleportation, and, alright, immortality. He's a super genius in all fields of science and just uses all that to obliterate galaxies on a whim.
But he still loses to the Marvel superheroes all the time. Why? Well, his weakness is that he subconsciously wants to lose. That's right, Thanos is his own worst enemy. He knows he doesn't deserve to win. He's even confronted about it in the comics, and instead of destroying everyone for even questioning him, he winds up just stuttering, embarrassed, and uncomfortable like we all just caught him masturbating. Thanos hands over the victory of the hero several times in comics, so we'll have to wait and see if he does it now in the movies or if he's maybe gone to therapy. You know, to work on his own insecurities. Because the only power in the universe that eludes him is the power to believe in himself. |
TheOnion | Disney_World_On_Lockdown_After_Mickey_Escapes_Enclosure_Rampages_Through_Park | Disney World is on lockdown today after a wild Mickey was able to escape its enclosure inside the amusement park. Hear what Disney workers are doing to keep park goers safe and recapture the rampaging beast.
And later, there's a new Rubik's Cube world record holder today. We'll sit down with the man who was somehow able to eat the whole thing in just five seconds. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical. There's only one way to keep yourself properly informed, and that's by getting all your news from exactly one source that also just so happens to be me. Back with more, right after this.
I need to evacuate. Hi Mickey! Dennis, come with mommy. We need to go now. Look, he's coming over here. Those are the sounds coming out of a grim scene in Orlando this weekend where a wild Mickey escaped his enclosure at Disney World and has since been going on a bloodthirsty rampage throughout the park. OPR's Rebecca Neal has been following this situation closely and joins us now from Orlando. Thanks for being here, Rebecca. Of course, Leslie.
So tell me, how exactly did this thing manage to escape? Well, early Sunday morning, just as the Mickey's keepers were about to feed him a live goat for breakfast, Disney World suffered a temporary power outage which deactivated the electric fence surrounding his enclosure. His trainers weren't initially worried as the mouse appeared to be asleep, but we now know that was not the case. When the trainers weren't looking, Mickey suddenly scaled the fence out of his pit, mauled them all to death, and took off running.
Oh god, that's terrifying. And what's the scene like now at the park? Exactly how much damage has been done? After completely decimating the animal kingdom, the Mickey began tearing through Adventureland where he gnawed the face off of a 63-year-old retired insurance broker from Ohio inside Tarzan's treehouse. Oh no. Sources who saw him shortly after reported his white gloves were completely drenched in blood, and there were chunks of human flesh on his oversized yellow shoes. According to the multiple witnesses I spoke to, it was a harrowing spectacle. Take a listen.
Oh dear god, he completely destroyed the building that houses the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. My sister is still trapped in there! We saw him trample an entire school field trip full of kids. Look everyone, he's climbing up Cinderella's tower!
Authorities are praying that they can stop him before he reaches Main Street, USA, or else it will be an even deadlier bloodbath. And what exactly are they doing to try and stop him? Well, it's turning out to be quite a challenging task. Mickeys are highly intelligent, conniving creatures, and once they've had a taste of blood, they'll stop at nothing to get more. On top of that, there's an ongoing debate about what type of force should be used in the containment efforts. I spoke to Walter McLaurin, an expert on wild Mickeys who runs his own Mickey sanctuary. He's a big advocate of using non-lethal tactics. Here's what he had to say. Sure, everyone is calling it a rampage. But what this Mickey is doing is what any wild creature in this situation would be doing.
It's mating season. He's in heat and he's looking for a mini. It's his instincts. He's not some big monster. There's nothing unnatural about him. What's unnatural is the way he's being cooped up. Are we really going to kill this beautiful creature just for being himself?
Interesting. And has the park been receptive to these, please? Well, they were at first, but once the Mickeys started racking up a body count, they quickly abandoned those plans and went full lethal. According to Disney, they weren't left with any other options. Ninety-three patrons have already been confirmed dead. My God. And how are those efforts going? Not good. Mickeys are highly agile, they have a hard, shell-like skin, and their body mass is 99.6% muscle. So pinning him down is proving to be highly difficult. One neutralization attempt was actually caught on the park's surveillance system.
Take a listen. Easy, girl. Easy. It's me, your trainer, Charlie.
Remember? And... now! Jesus.
Well, at this point, shouldn't they just bomb the damn park? Just light up the place and put an end to it? Local authorities were willing to do just that and were in the middle of putting plans in place.
That is, until just moments ago when the Mickey was spotted breaking free from the confines of the amusement park. It is now roaming freely through the streets of Orlando. Oh, no. Residents are being warned to keep all children and pets inside their home until further notice, and that if you see the Mickey on your property or out in the streets, do not approach it.
Wow. Well, let's hope there's at least one brave gun owner down there in Florida who has what it takes to put a bullet right between those big oval-shaped eyes and end this thing once and for all. In the meantime, it looks like my stepson and I will be going to Six Flags this weekend. You wanna come, Rebecca? Derek could really use a mother figure in his life right now. What? No, Leslie. I have my own kids. Eh, I'll put you down as a maybe. That's OPR's Rebecca Neal. Back in a moment.
It's a long-standing stigma that may now have some data to back it up. A new report released by the American Veterinary Medical Association found that pit bull owners are ten times more likely to bite pedestrians than owners of other dog breeds. We're joined in the studio now by OPR correspondent Alan Potts, who's going to fill us in on these disturbing findings.
Thanks for joining us, Alan. Pleasure to be here, Leslie.
So we all know pit bull owners have a reputation for being ornery, but it seems like this is the first time this perception has actually been backed up by statistics, no? You're exactly right, Leslie. This study uses key data points to profile pit bull owners as highly aggressive and territorial. And how did these researchers come to this conclusion, that their violent disposition and unpredictable temperament isn't just a myth? Well, I spoke to Kasia Lucas, the head researcher on the study, and here's what she had to say about the process. We conducted a retrospective survey of biting attacks by dog owners in the last seven years, and a meta-analysis of our results indicated that a vast majority of them, nearly 70%, were committed by those who had pit bulls. In fact, pit bull owners are nearly ten times more likely to bite pedestrians than Rottweiler or German Shepherd owners.
Wow, and just how harmful can these bites get? Quite harmful, Leslie. Pit bull owners can cause significant tissue damage during a biting attack thanks to their powerful jaw strength. And on top of that, they instinctively know to bite vulnerable anatomic locations such as the neck or groin. Damage from their bites often requires an emergency room visit or even reconstructive surgery to be sufficiently mended.
Well, it sounds like if you weren't scared of them before, you should be now. Definitely. I actually got to speak to a few people who were concerned by these new findings. Here's what they had to say about their worries.
We just had a pit bull owner move in next door, and it's scary. They're constantly clawing at their fence and barking. I mean, my kids play on the lawn a lot, and frankly, I'm afraid they're going to get bit. They just love to fight. I mean, that's in their instincts. Every time you hear about someone getting bit, you just know it's going to be a pit bull owner.
I mean, I ain't no expert or anything, but those things should be banned if you ask me. And tell me, Alan, what do pit bull owners themselves have to say about all this? Well, I actually managed to speak to one for this story. Here is Lydia Arnold, the owner of a nine-year-old pit bull.
That report is totally bogus. They're not giving proper context for those numbers.
In the rare instance that a pit bull owner bites someone, it's not because we're inherently aggressive, but because we've been mistreated or abused. I mean, you take an owner of any dog breed and treat them that way, and they're going to bite people. So you would say that pit bull owners are not the villains they're made out to be?
Not at all. Most people on- I'm sorry, could you move the microphone? It's right in my face. Oh, sorry about that.
As I was saying, most pit bull owners, when well-socialized and trained, are delightful and sensitive, we're lovable and- Sorry. As I was saying, we're lovable and intelligent and make loyal companions. If anything, we're too peaceful.
We need to re-examine- Excuse me? Ma'am? What are you doing?
She bit me! She fucking bit me! Oh my God, Alan, you got bit?
Yep. Check out my leg. Jesus Christ, that's disgusting. Ugh, it looks infected. It is. Ugh, gross. And it turns out Lydia was carrying a rare form of mutated hepatitis. Really? Yep.
And she passed it on to me. And it's incurable. While it's concentrated in my leg now, the infection will slowly spread to the rest of my body and eventually devour my brain and heart. I only have two months left to live, Leslie. And that's if I'm lucky. Wow, tough break, man.
Well, time for an ad. When will there be a vaccine? That's been the question on everyone's mind since the start of the coronavirus pandemic, and today we may finally have a clearer picture of the timeline. Yesterday, President Trump vowed to definitely have something to stick in your arm soon, and has ordered the rollout of some kind of sharp, pointy medicine thing that will poke you by the end of October at the latest. Here's CDC Deputy Director Anne Schuchat on the White House's promise. Thanks to our nation's doctors being at the forefront of medical and scientific research and our American ingenuity, the U.S. will be the first country to distribute a stabby, pointy, pain, vial thingy designed to be jabbed directly into patients' muscle or skin or something, and it will have some effect on your body, either good or bad. Joining us now with more is OPR Health Correspondent Jenna Resnick. So, Jenna, it sounds like something that at least resembles a vaccine could be on the horizon.
Exactly which phase of the process is it in? Well, as of right now, Leslie, we really don't know very much. But what we do know is this.
President Trump has guaranteed that all Americans will get stuck with something in their arm by Election Day. Now, so far, Pfizer, Moderna, and AstraZeneca have all been able to develop some very promising poking methods that are extremely sharp, long, and wet. Take a listen. After ten long months, we know Americans are ready and excited to get stabbed. Soon, people just like you and me will be able to go to a pharmacy, sit down, pay money, and get stabbed through the skin with a vial of goo in a very painful way. Well, I gotta say that can't come soon enough, but I have to admit, Jenna, I really wasn't expecting to get stabbed by our government until 2021 at the earliest. That's right.
Some were even estimating 2024 as a more realistic timeframe for having a stranger in scrubs inject healing juices into your veins. But according to the CDC, even with the accelerated schedule, early trials are going well. So far, the devices have been very effective at going into and out of arms as well as shooting the liquid, which has been amply moist. They are, however, still trying to work out some of the, quote, pesky and deadly side effects. But that's not going to stop them from rolling this thing out in Walgreens and CVS pharmacies across the country as soon as possible. Oh, Walgreens. That's where I buy my little bottles of orange juice and large fish oil pills every morning so you can count me in. But, Jenna, I have to assume people are going to be pretty excited to have their skin punctured once it's available, and, personally, I'd rather endanger everyone around me or even die myself rather than wait in line longer than 15 seconds. How does the government plan to roll this out in a way that meets the high demand? Well, it's certainly going to be difficult, but the plan as of now is to prioritize suburban patients who are also undecided voters. The White House also wants to focus on high-risk patients like the elderly, particularly in blue states, and is planning to stab them all in the neck, presumably so the serum can get to their brain faster.
Interesting tactic, and how much is it going to cost? Well, while there had certainly been talk of it being no cost to patients, the price has actually yet to be set, according to the CDC. So far, they've estimated it could cost either $10, $500, or even $100,000, depending on how desperate we get. A small price to pay for a vaccine that may or may not work.
Thanks, Jenna. When it comes out, I'll be first in line. Otherwise, I'm not getting it. I'm a busy man. Anyway, that's OPR's Jenna Resnick, back in a moment.
You know, even with a vaccine, I'm still not sure if I'll ever feel quite comfortable enough to go back to a restaurant again and hide in the big garbage can in the kitchen so that when the wait staff clears off the food left behind on people's plates, it lands right into my open mouth, allowing me to eat a free meal with the people working at the restaurant being none the wiser. But who knows? Maybe one day we'll be able to get back to some sense of normalcy. Anyway, here's what else we need to know today.
The far-right conspiracy theory dubbed QAnon has gained an alarming amount of traction in the lead-up to this year's presidential election, and today we may have more of an understanding as to why. A new psychological study published this morning has found that the appeal of QAnon can be attributed largely to it being 100% true. Top psychiatric researchers have concluded that when a certain type of person is presented with theories that our government is secretly run by a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles, they will have a tendency to believe these claims due to the fact that they're totally real and absolutely can be backed up with hard, undeniable evidence if you just read between the lines. Interesting. I may have to dive into my Facebook feed and do a little research on this for myself.
And big news for bird lovers today, as ornithologists from the University of Rhode Island have been awarded a $10 million grant to research whether that big bird up there is a hawk. Researchers are hopeful that this newly secured funding will help them ascertain whether the bird in question is indeed a hawk, and not some kind of eagle or possibly even a falcon, and will allow them to expand their investigation by passing around the binoculars so they can all get a better look at that thing.
And finally, as we near the end of the month, Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has unveiled his plan to combat the city's growing homeless population brought on by the mass evictions plaguing his city. Mayor Garcetti announced today his administration stands committed to ensuring every Los Angelino has a roof over their head, and that he would personally be sending around some pretty reasonable Zillow listings to those in need. Sounds like a great plan. And if any homeless LA residents are listening, take my advice.
If you see something you like on one of those listings, hop on it quick. Anything under a million usually gets scooped up pretty fast. And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical, wherever you get your podcast. And you can now also sign up to become a member of The Topical's Patreon. For as little as $5 a month, you'll get all kinds of exclusive news content and merchandise, including a topical sticker, which must be pretty exciting for all the children listening. And for all the adults, we also have a topical coffee mug available. Which serves as a great way to hide the fact that you're drinking hard alcohol in the morning. So don't wait. Go sign up to become a patron now before you black out.
And tomorrow on The Topical, how has COVID-19 affected our nation's dentists? I sit down with mine to ask him how the pandemic has affected his practice, while he also performs my root canal.
Here's a clip. Oh boy, I'm still a little numb. All that and more tomorrow on The Topical. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_star_wars_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | If you don't know the plot of Star Wars, this should help. That's pretty cool, and probably worth basing your entire personality and emotional stability around. But Hollywood's got some weird assumptions about masculine and feminine roles, and to be honest, maybe we all do. So let's swap Anakin and Padme's genders and see how that makes us feel. Because you're watching Gender Swap, I'm Allie, and this is the tragedy of Annie the Girl.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a religious zealot soldier guarding a secret king whose ship craps out in the desert. To help them escape, the soldier rigs his face NASCAR event with the help of a female child slave Funny little slave? to win some ship parts, which is crazy because nobody should trust a woman driver. To be fair, the soldier also wants to set the girl free because of her pure blood, as defined by his weird religion.
What are you doing? Checking your blood.
No plan to save her mom, though, because she's old, and of what use is a woman over 30? I tried to free your mother, Annie, but to old.
While the soldier prepares his scheme, the little girl, a nine-year-old named Annie, meets the 14-year-old male king named Patty, short for Paddington, and is smitten in that way that fifth graders are always getting smit over freshmen in high school. Eventually, these two will bang so hard, the galaxy almost ends. But that's later, so it's fine. And also in space, much like in West Virginia, nobody can agree on specific age-of-consent laws anyway. To old.
But so, yeah, for the next decade or so, Annie is trained to become a magical warrior nun by a master magical warrior priest man, who constantly admonishes her for being too emotional and hot-headed. Come to your senses! Just like a woman, am I right?
I don't sleep well anymore. Because of your mother. I don't know why I keep dreaming about her. Dreams pass in time.
Eventually, Annie reunites with King Patty, who is pleased with Annie's physical development. My goodness, you've grown. And so King, now technically Senator Patty, I'm a senator.
Absconds with Annie to his home planet to marry her, after confessing he's been in love with her since this. Now this is pond racing. But hey, at least their wedding venue is pretty. The romantic sounds of a rich, older politician marrying a child slave turned zealot warrior. The sound of the Hamptons.
Annie, come on. Weirdly, Annie's master, who also pulls shifts as her best friend and basically de facto parent, doesn't really seem to mind. Everyone knows what's going on with King Patty and Annie. Yes.
Despite originally thinking Annie was too old. to become a Jedi at the ripe old age of nine. Which, hey man, if nine's too old to become a Jedi, maybe don't make Jedis? Maybe it's because they're intending to pimp Annie out to Chancellor Palpatine's ancient ass in the hopes that he'll spill some state secrets. They won't even let her become Jedi Master, despite being the prophesied's chosen one who will save all of existence.
What, you trust a woman with the force nuclear codes when she's on the rag? No! So, okay, to recap. Former child slave, stolen from her mom, taught a new religion that involves becoming a soldier, putting down a separatist movement, who was groomed and exploited by older men in power, constantly told to deny her emotions. And now, I love her.
So, her hysterical feelings about her mom dying were actually a prophetic warning, but Obi-Wan wouldn't let her follow up. The entire reason she wanted to become a Jedi was to free slaves. But the Jedis wouldn't let her. They wouldn't even let her go save her mom. With Anakin, that's sad.
With Annie, well, for starters, this scene becomes extra fucked up. I mean, nobody wants to see a man murder a room full of children, but if a woman does it, this part seems legit, though. Sorry. That was Miss Bill murdering a bunch of Japanese people for revenge, despite the actual villain being this white guy. Totally different than Annie murdering a bunch of space Middle Easterners for revenge, despite the actual villain being a whole mess of white guys. That's right, kids. With Annie instead of Anakin, her kinda racist genocide of the Tuscan Raiders isn't some fall to the dark side. It's her first step to girl boss stardom. Come on, Annie! Because if Anakin was a girl, you wouldn't be going to Twitter to accuse Lucas of racism.
You'd be going, yes, b***h, slay, because she, you know. Yes, b***h. Except Annie's righteous fury is exploited by Chancellor Palpatine, and his silky words cause her rampage to expand from weird-looking foreigners to the religious junta that tears away children from their homes. She fully intends to rip the entire galaxy a new a**hole. But before she can wholly become chosen girl boss triumphant, the man who stopped her from saving her mother, who watched as a king and a chancellor groomed her, cuts her in half while saying that he loves her. I loved you. And you bet we care more about her body being destroyed when she's a woman.
They don't even give her an epidural.
The man who literally split her in twain apparently pulls her children out of her, somehow. Raises them in the cult Annie failed to stop and trains them to murder their mother's killer. What I told you was true, from a certain point of view. When she tells one of them the truth, he almost heroes himself off a ledge. That's impossible! And eventually, all that gaslighting leads to this.
Hello there. That's your fault. You have done that yourself.
Annie then literally crawls back to the clearly abusive Palpatine and spends most of the next three movies trying to kill every remaining trace of that woman-hating, baby-stealing, body-having religious order. It even paints Lady Vader's relationship with Luke in a different light, as now it's a mother trying to connect with a son she never even knew she had, only for that son to reject her and basically kill her. You were right about me. Ultimately, this is a big difference between Star Wars and a true girl boss movie. In most of these girl boss movies, the indignity that these women suffer makes their revenge, I don't know, fun. Ah! You know, we want to see them win. But in Star Wars, Annie loses. Just everything. No! Cruella, Furiosa, Maleficent, you know, they all end up with a castle. But in Star Wars, a young slave is abused and manipulated literally her entire life for her mind, body, and power, only to fight back and end up half a body in a torture machine.
And none of it matters. No one's ever really gone.
The wizard school that tortured her reforms with her son as schoolmaster. The Senate comes back too, now run by her daughter. The abuser who she died to finally kill comes back to life somehow. Her grandson even starts dressing like her, like a creepier Norman Bates.
Nobody wants to see that. And that's why Lucas made Anakin a dude. I mean, can you imagine the prequels being made poignant?
No, thank you. Good riddance. Good riddance, Annie.
I'm a person. Also, what a Mary Sue. You know, she can potterace, she can build robots, she can fly well. We're supposed to believe a woman can lift rocks with her mind. Okay. Ecticism intensifies. If we have extra time, can we go back and save my mom? Gross, no. She's like 30. Wow, Annie. You are way hotter now than you were as a nine-year-old. Oh, Annie, my most trusted disciple. I would trust you with anything.
Except for sitting on those nice chairs there when you have your period. I don't understand how they work, but I understand they can be messy. So don't sit on my nice leather seats there, horse leather. Backflip. Oh, I'm a woman and I'm on fire. You did this to yourself, bitch. |
dropout | what_sex_with_christopher_nolan_must_be_like | Wow, what a ride. That last hour was just so intense. I didn't even know it was happening. I was just like, I am loving this. I was not prepared for how loud that was gonna get.
They say size doesn't matter, but you definitely make 70 millimeters seem like the right size. Guess it didn't need to be that long. What time is it? Even.
I was planning on getting a drink afterwards, but now I just kind of want to go home. It was so multidimensional with the mirror up there. I'm sure I'll analyze this later with my friends and it won't seem so novel, but right now, mind blown. I wasn't really sure what you were doing at the end, but you seemed really into it. Whatever it was. And there were a few holes that never got addressed. My butthole being one, but wow. Even though it was long, it never felt like you were just masturbating. You know, like it always served a purpose. Even when you were masturbating.
They're so sweet how your dead wife was motivating you. The whole time, I could just tell you were thinking about her. Oh my God. And that final reveal. Ah, that was a lot to take in. This has been amazing, but I think the second time will be even better.
You know, it was me all along. I'm Emily from College Humor. If you like that, click here for more videos, here to subscribe, or click me to see what I look like without Photoshop. Just kidding. It's the same. I woke up like this. Also, I'm wearing makeup and a push-up bra and a wig. |
dropout | makeovers | Hello, everybody, and welcome to Tales from the Closet. It's January. This is a podcast and a vodcast. If you're listening to this in its audio form, know that there is also a video component where you could join us here in this very bright dungeon.
You would think it would be a lot darker, but it's not. It's almost too bright. It's like going to heaven and finding out God is into BDSM.
If you're watching this on Dropout, thank you for subscribing. If you are not a Dropout user, you're probably watching this on CH2. Know that when these first come out, they will be released on Dropout first, and then later on CH2.
But enough about me and what I chose to say at the top of this show. Let's move on to our guests. I'm super excited today. We have three people that I love, three people that I know, and three people that you're going to know in just a second, because we will be playing Two Truths and a Lie, rapid fire. Hello, everyone. Introduce yourself and tell me two truths and a lie, and the next person will have to guess your lie. Begin now.
I'm Darryl Jim. I survived a car accident. I love tennis and I'm thinking of a lie. And I have binge watched Riverdale season one and two in a day and a half. Jess, you're up.
What was the lie? What was the middle one? Uh oh.
Oh, I love tennis. I love tennis. I don't think that you love tennis.
Okay. Fair. No, answer. No, I do love tennis. I do.
Wow. The Riverdale one that you paused for? No. It was a car accident one. Wow. Your Trojan horse is the most dramatic one in. You came in hot. I did it first because I feel like usually the first one seems like a truth all the time. It's true. You said it so confidently that I was like, and I'm so sorry, like my condolences. That was about to be my strategy and now you just stole it. Wow.
Scramble those up, Jess. Who are you? I'm Jess. I love watching Shark Tank.
I love watching the Marvelous Mrs. Mabel king and I'm a great liar. There's four. I'm going to say it's Mabel. It was. That was a lie. That show is called Marvelous Mrs. Mabel.
I knew I was going to do that. You're correct. I thought you would think I would like it. No, no, no. All right. Who are you? Two truths in a lie and I get to guess and you're in for it because I know you very well. All right.
My name is Emily Fightmaster. I identify as femme. I collect knives.
And every single one of these is true. Great. Let me guess.
They were all lies. All of them were lies. They were all lies.
It was a rapid fire round. I panicked. Yeah. Good. That's what I like. I like the rapid fire. Why is that game so exciting?
I don't know. But I feel in power. I feel like a dumb.
My name is Ally Beardsley. I will also play. I have a twin brother.
I am allergic to peas and I once got arrested for public urination. I don't believe you're allergic to peas. I don't believe you're allergic to peas either.
I don't believe. The first two were lies. I actually messed up. I forgot. I got so panicky of where I was putting my lie. I just started lying on all of them. It's a rapid fire. I feel like the dumb. No.
The first lie was good though. Excuse me? The first lie was good.
Thank you. I was about to say, yeah, and I met your brother. Yeah, me too. Look exactly alike. Hi, Brad. All right. Great. Everybody, welcome to the show. Thank you for being here.
The show is called Tales from the Closet because we are going to be sharing tales from our closet. There are a lot of different closets out there. Maybe you're in a gender closet. Maybe you're in a sexual closet. Maybe you're in a physical closet and you have internet access.
Instead of calling the police, you decided to download this podcast. In which case, I'm sorry. I hope you get help. Have I gone off the rails? Great. Who are your guys' captors?
No, I'm just kidding. I'm just joking.
All right. Anyway, this is a show. It's loose, honey. You guys, what are... Let's go around and tell a story about a time when you were like, wow, I might be queer, or wow, my gender might be something else, or it could be anything.
I was in second grade, and I saw a really cute boy planning on a dirt hill, and I was like, that boy's really cute. And I said, I'm not supposed to think that. And then I thought it for the rest of my life, still thinking it. That one boy on the dirt hill? He was cuter at second grade.
He's all right now. Really? Wait.
So did you come out early? I came out very early. Wow. I came out at... Well, not very early. I came out at 14.
Wow. Oh, that's amazing. I hate using words like early and late, because there is no timeline, but that is... I'm like, wow, 14. That's amazing.
Yeah. My time in the closet wasn't that long. So I'm definitely thinking of those closet moments. Yeah.
You're like, I guess I was nine. I don't know. What the fuck have you people done? I'm like, I was 20, and... Were your parents cool with it at 14?
No. Interesting. No.
I mean, it wasn't like a bad big blow up. It was more so like, just like, it's a phase, you're going through a phase. And then the next day, it was, hey, we're Catholic. So, you know, just go to church. It was Sunday that next day. Oh, great. It's a phase that needs to be done in a day, because we got to drive to church. And it was like, you're going to Sunday school, just, you know, you're young, you're still going through it.
And I was like, I'm not, but okay. Wow. And when did you finally feel like they were like, okay, yeah, it's not a phase. I think they... I think when I finished college. Wow.
Uh-huh.
We just never talked about it. Totally. In college, I told my dad first, which is very interesting, because I'm closer with my mom, but my mom's more religious, so I kind of thought, like, I can't, I can't tell her. Then I told my mom in college, and my mom was really sweet about it. She was just kind of like, you know, I'm going to love you no matter what.
I would love if you were with a girl, but yeah. And like, we still, yeah. It's good. It's a good relationship with them. That's great. Yeah. That is great. Yeah.
My mom's super religious, too. And I had a similar thing where I was like, oh, gosh, like, you are not going to like this. And now we're totally close, and she's like, all my partners. Do you talk about it? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. So it took a while, but yeah, it's so crazy when they're so religious, and you're like, okay, I'm really going to, I'm really going to bring your world down. Here we go. I mean, and that was the biggest thing for me, too, like, in the closet since I was a kid and a teenager, it was like, I'm religious. This is so not right in my brain.
I'm, how am I, how can, yeah, I was like, uh, but in my brain, I was like, God loves me for who I am and, um, I'm a good person. So it's like, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. So that's kind of what kept me like, my faith was like, I'm a good person. So I, I'm going to believe that God loves me for who I am.
Oh, that is so beautiful. That's great. Yeah. Uh, the first time I realized, uh, my friend Jill was over my house and we were playing in my pool and we had this inner tube and we both like went in the middle and she was like, we should practice kissing. And I was like, okay. And then we did it and I was like, oh, we should keep practicing. Um, it was just so great. I still think about like that little smooch all the time. And then I think she was like, all right, let's go do something else. And I was like, okay. You're like funny.
Cause I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than more important than training.
Yeah.
We got to get on this. I thought you were committed to your crap. Do you want a husband or not?
I had another friend, Lacey, we would play in her trailer, uh, doctor. Oh yeah. Like in the back of the trailer. I think that she was also too. So that went like slightly further. I think of like flirty, flirty, uh, never like touching anything, but maybe like kissing or this and that. Yeah.
But I didn't, I knew that I was attracted to men too and I didn't see examples of bisexuals anywhere. So I was kind of like, well, maybe it's just like this weird thing that I'm close to friends. So I like doing that with friends or I didn't quite know how to define it or what it was all the time.
So I never really did anything with it or about it. Like I had urges, but I was like, well, you know, and I was also like just overweight and feeling shit about myself for most of my childhood too. So I was like, well, nobody wants to fuck me.
So why come out and say anything? I don't want to bother anybody.
It was your bisexual, like your bisexual icon that you remember bisexual icon. I mean, I loved like Bowie. I love like androgynous people, um, and just like, kind of very heightened people. Like I loved Fran Drescher. I know she's not fine, but I just thought like, oh, she's so great. And she, I liked anyone who was very much who they were unapologetically. And that was what I wanted to be more. I remember that I like mini came out to my best friend Mel in college and I was like, I think I might be bi and she couldn't have been better about it. She was like, oh, that's totally cool.
Like, and then like the next day I was like, I was just kidding. That was just like a joke. Like it wasn't anything. You had like regret the next day.
It really wasn't until I was with my now fiance that I officially like came out, came out to my family. And so this is like four and a half, four years ago. Yeah, we talk about that on the last episode too, like by invisibility, because it's just so like there aren't really prominent bisexual people. And there is such a stigma with being bisexual.
Like you're like greedy or like you're confused or it's a phase. And you're like, no, absolutely not.
This is like a fully functioning sexuality. We got more of them, though. We got Janelle Monae. Oh, yeah, now I have, yeah, like a ton of icons that I feel like I can look up to. But at the time, yeah, like growing up, we just had like kind of like stunt bisexuals that were all female identified that were like, and then I kissed a girl at the VMAs and I'm like, well, that's not what I want. I mean, that's what it felt like. It was like hyper sexualized woman kind of doing it for the purpose of like a man seeing it. And I was like, well, I don't feel like I'm quite that.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think it was just when I got older and felt like more comfortable about myself in general, like across the board that I was able to be like, no, this is like really a feeling that I'm having and something that, you know, especially when I found Kate, like I want to pursue and I'm in love and I can't help it. Yeah. So now you're engaged and you're so happy. I am. Yeah.
I noticed that you didn't clap. Was that because you have a problem with my engagement? Point that engagement by phobia. Oh, no, no, no. In our well lit dungeon of all places to ruin your fucking life.
Still a little fat collapse. No, I'm totally joking. All right, Emily.
Well, I had always had like moments when I was a kid of just like watching movies and being like, I don't want to be that the lead actress. I want to be the lead guy because he gets to be with that actress.
But at the specific moment of like really like sexually acting on it, I was on this AAU basketball team and it was all of these just like corn fed Ohio bitches. And they and they were like AAU basketball in Ohio. Women's basketball is just like so competitive and people are so intense and they're so good.
And I was just like skinny and bad. And they were all strong and muscular. And they wore these compression shorts that they weren't like volleyball. They weren't like femme and compression shorts. They like went down to here. And I remember the point guard on our team was like, I would just watch her thighs and the way that like the shorts when she would like get down to guard, she would pull her shorts up and you would just see these like white compression shorts.
And just my brain would like my brain was on fire. And I kept trying to be like, maybe I'm really attracted to her talent. And of course, like we end up we end up doing the very Ohio closeted thing of becoming best friends and over the course of truly. So it was six. It could have been six months. I've just like every time she would sleep over at my house. It'd be like a pinky on her thigh one night and then like the next weekend it would be like a hand on her thigh and then the next weekend it would move up. And we were both so nervous that we would like we would get up to go to the bathroom because we were getting so aroused and wanted to hide it just in case the hand moved any further.
Like it was no. Yes. Like just so fucking talk about it. It was like, I mean, probably not right. No, no, no, because of the silence, like a silent movie.
That is so hot. I love that part of like the courtship where you're like, oh my God, it's the most like that's queer culture. Yeah, is is a very, very slow progression towards sex. And that's like watching a movie like Carol when they yes, when they they touch like maybe like in the first hour of that, maybe they touch maybe two or three times and watching that is like this is this is almost the most like respectful to my experience of any queer movie I've ever watched. And when you ask, I have a lot of straight friends who are like, God, Carol was so boring and I'm just like pull a knife on them.
Go watch the Titanic. Like, oh my God. Oh, yeah, every little look. You're like, yes, that is my experience. Yeah, I mean, even you know that you're like you're fucking gay when you're watching Carol and she just leaves two leather gloves on the counter and you're like, oh, here we go. Her hand was in that glove.
I have a memory because I went to like a really conservative Christian university and study theology was like on track. I wanted to be like a youth pastor and I still think religion is like really beautiful. But I don't necessarily like go to a church right now. But at the time, incredibly religious.
And I would keep a log of when I felt gay like by the date to track it because I thought maybe it was like something you ate something I ate or like when I'm on my period, I'm fucking gay. And it must be that, you know, it was just like I have to get more info about this before I make a big decision. We gotta crack this cold. Yeah, exactly, like data collecting.
And on one of the like days, I like had a long streak of like no gay feelings because I was busy. I was like too busy to like notice. Too busy to be gay.
And all of a sudden, like I got like hit hard with one. I like spent the whole day with like this RA who was like in a tie-dye shirt, like fully like my type at that time. And I was just like, oh no, I'm like fully in love with Kelsey. And so I had to like put an X on that one and I was so bummed. And we had this like huge church like alter call event and like a whole sermon and stuff. And I went up to the front and I was like crying and I was like, oh fuck, like I am gay. Like, please don't do this to me.
Like talking to God. And then Kelsey came up behind me and started like rubbing my back because like she thought I was praying about that she couldn't have known what I was praying about. So she starts like massaging like running her hands down my arms and whispering a prayer in my ear. And she was like, dear God, whatever Ali's dealing with right now, I hope that you're with Ali. And I was just like, it was like the most I had ever been touched by women. My body is so warm right now.
If I believed in God, I would think that was a sign from God. That's a beautiful idea. That's a sign he accepts you. I see what you did there. I love that.
Yeah, no, I really did. I was like, God has a sense of humor and it's fine. Everything's gonna be fine. I need to. I'll do it. God has a sense of college humor.
What's that? M? M, wait, you're dissociating.
But yeah, that is my deep closet hookup. Can you imagine like how horrific it would be to be straight and you just like have sex immediately? What a nightmare. Can you imagine seeing someone on the street knowing already that they could be into you, going on a date and having sex immediately. I never worry about them beating you up. Oh my God.
I just, boring. You know, I am sorry. If anyone out there is straight, I'm sorry to bring that up.
There's a number you can call right at the bottom of this. It's the suicide hotline.
Great. Well, we are gonna move into a part of each show. We have a very scary word. And I hope you guys are ready. Okay, you can tell we have a horror motif going on, a lot of chains and then one anti-clamp. I love that. Two, oh my. There's a skull. Great. Word please. I can almost reach it.
Thank you, Paul. Everyone give it up for Paul. This time he clubbed.
Well, I'm never gonna win. I'm never gonna win.
All right. Our very scary word of the day today is, and I just want you to say the first thing that comes to your mind with this, stories, thoughts, ratings, two truths, one lie, makeover. That, excuse me. Ooh.
Was that your fart? Sorry, your fart. Emily did fart.
I ate veggie sushi like right before I came here. Veggie sushi. It sucked fucking nuts. That's like everything good about sushi gone? Yeah, it was. When I think sushi, I think veggies. It's from Gelson's. Did you guys watch, did you watch Veggie Tales?
I don't, I think it scared me. Oh my God. It scared me so I was like, I don't understand what's going on.
They're vegetables. There's a tomato on the run. They look like clay.
It was, it was Bible stories. They just acted out the Bible stories.
I didn't even know that.
What do you mean they look like clay? Didn't they look like clay?
It was computer animated. It was really poorly, computer animated. Yeah, it was true clip art.
Was it like 2D? Was it like a 2D thing? Yeah, yeah, yes. I'll show you after.
Veggie, I might be thinking of something else. Oh, maybe. I'm thinking of like a cucumber. And a tomato. Is it porn? Cucumber. I think it's scared. Send me your cucumbers, please. There's just so much dick and so many vegetables. I might be thinking of something else.
Maybe, well, nonetheless, I'm still scared. Yeah, I'm still scared of the idea of tomato and a cucumber acting out Bible stories. It is scary.
It's weird, why? It is weird. That's weird. I don't know.
Makeovers make me think of, there would be a time at almost every sleepover I ever went to because I was very tomboy and everyone at the sleepover would be like, wouldn't it be funny if we did your makeup? And the first time I was like, no, like horrified. But then I learned that meant a sleepovers worth of women would be touching my face with tiny soft brushes and that feels amazing.
And that amount of attention I have not received since. I have been chasing that high.
Make a Facebook event. You're right. For my birthday.
Don't brush my face. Everyone come to ye rust again and touch my face with a brush.
Yeah, you can make it happen. Honestly, maybe I will.
But I always looked fucking insane afterwards but I felt great. Insanely hot? Truly insanely hot.
What a little bit of work. I looked like a porcelain doll like about to go to a bachelorette party. That's how I look with makeup. When I think of your face, I just can't imagine how good you would look with a strong blush and a solid black eye. Thank you. A solid black eye. Wow, makeup terms. I forgot, you do H-M-U. I do a lot of actually really good makeup so if anyone's interested, they can call this number again. Yeah.
Makeover, what does that make you guys think of? I think I did makeovers with myself in my head. I would be like, you know what? I'm gonna go hang out with guys and be more of a guy and try to do that. Or I remember multiple times when I was a teenager, or maybe before I was a teenager, I would take a shower. I would pray to be straight and to be like, I wanna be straight. I don't wanna deal with this. And then I would take a hot shower and then I'd come out and steam would come off of my body and be like, I think I'm straight. I gotta go hang out with guys. It was me trying to makeover myself to be more manly. And honestly, I think I was a lot more feminine when I was a kid and had a chipmunk voice and then I kind of trained myself to be more of a bro.
No, totally. Yeah, I think that's so common. I think it's really interesting.
Because my brother's also gay and we were talking about gay male culture. The aesthetic of gay men is so jock that I'm like, are you just becoming the people that made fun of you growing up? Are you chasing me? People told you it was so wrong for so long that it's like, you can't have that. And you were like, I'm gonna look exactly like you. What is going on? So those guys that are also like, I hate the pride parade.
We don't need to be so loud about it. Yeah, yeah. You're like, no twinks. So get over it yourself. Absolutely. We have mask-only, like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah.
I actually had cousins who wanted, we had a sleepover and they put me in a bikini and that was funny and fun. And it was like. It was funny. Well, just because it was so crazy to me that I was able to do it with people. Oh, yeah. I had my cousins and I pretended I was Sailor Moon when I was by myself at home before but having my cousins at the sleepover, I was like, I felt, I kind of felt accepted before I even came out, which is so interesting. Did you, when you watched Sailor Moon, did you identify as Sailor Moon? Absolutely. Okay, that's so, it was crazy to grow up with, because my brother's gay, as I've already said, we would be watching the same movie and fully identifying with the opposite gender.
I would watch movies and fully, would never be like, and I'm the woman. I was like, and I would be perfect for that woman.
You were Tuxedo Mask. Yeah, I wore Tuxedo, I'm absolutely Tuxedo Mask guy in Sailor Moon. I wore my mom's pantyhose and just pretended I had a lot.
Yes! My brother would pull a shirt off his head but leave it here so that it would look like long hair. So, if you wanna use that. You know what, let me give notes down, please. Key comers and that. Yeah. You guys, makeover.
Makeover, makeover makes me think of, I was kinda talking about it earlier, but just how much of my sexuality was also about the way that I looked, and I think maybe eating a lot as a kid, almost to kind of push just everybody away, like maybe not quite understanding who I was or what was going on, so it was just so much more comforting and an easy fix to like eat really quick and then be like, oh, well, no one would be interested in me now, so it's not even something that I have to deal with. And I think later in life when I did lose weight and was starting to feel better about myself was the time when I felt like I could come out. But looking back on it now, I do feel kind of sad that so much of it was tied up in that at all. Like I should be any size, which I feel much more this way now, to be any size and just be as sexual and deserving of sex.
Yeah, totally. And I think, yeah, in particular for women in our looks, it was like I just wasn't hitting anything that was the typical thing out there, so I felt like I just had no idea what I was or what was going on. Totally, yeah.
I think, yeah, especially in America, like we're so fucked up with food. No one talks about it, no one teaches you what eating is and especially being religious. I know it was like, drugs, bad, sex, bad, food, fine. We had youth group meetings at Taco Bell and it was like, wow, you really didn't teach me how to take care of myself in that way.
And that was something I totally learned after coming out. And I was like, wow, that's where my depression went. I had a similar thing. Wow. Yeah.
I would always get made over by my mother or my mother's friends. And it was always just like, we're gonna go out to dinner and you can't wear your basketball jersey.
I'd be like, well, fine, then provide something. And so then it would be like, me in a very long, soft sweater, where it's like, and a sweater that it draped over one shoulder. You know what I'm talking about? Ooh.
It wasn't like fucking Fred Perry or something. It sounds like a honeymoon sweater. A honeymoon if you were like about to die.
But they would also do things like, I was so fucking ugly in high school. I was just like so rotten ugly. It was unbelievable. I've seen photos, you look great. That is so kind. But I had terrible, like wretched acne.
And my mom's friend, I was always better friends with my friend's moms than them because that I loved like older bossy women. And I remember one time Sarah being like, Sarah was my friend at the time and was like, my mom brought you a gift to school.
And it was like basically like a dermatology kit because she was a dermatologist. And so I like got this shit, it was like retin-A. And for teenage skin, you have to be really careful with retin-A because it just peels off the top layer of your skin. So it tends to be better for like 40 year old women. And they do it like once every three days. And I did this retin-A, I did it like three days in a row. And just like put it everywhere.
And I was in eighth grade because we had to like, I had a science class in the high school, in like the high school building. It was in the basement of the high school. And so I had to walk over from middle school and I had woken up that morning.
And in an effort to get rid of my acne, I had like third degree burns. My entire face, like I'm talking like, it wasn't little flecks of like dried skin. It was like baseball size, like they are blowing in the wind, like off of my face. And you can't fucking do anything about it because the skin just keeps getting rid of it. What was this dermatologist thinking?
Like she had just been like, she will figure it out. Like Emily will read the instructions surely. And I was like, a quick fix for acne? And so those are always like the makeovers that I remember. It's older women being like, trust me, you are going to be beautiful.
Oh my God.
Did you guys ever get a mall makeover like at the mall? Where they do your make up there and then you kind of have to like buy everything they touched you with? No, I've always, I've kind of always wanted to. You mean like when you're sitting at like the counter at Macy's or something? I have always wanted to do that.
But you've never done it? No.
It's not fun, but it's like my mom's favorite thing to do. If I'm home, we'll go and then someone does my makeup. My mom's like, this is great. And I'm like, this isn't me.
Is it free? It's totally free. And you don't have to buy the.
You don't, but like they do, they are just kind of like, and so what I'm using now is this and it does this. And then they kind of like put it in your bag.
And then they whisper things like, I work on commission. I do work on commission and I do have five children. And it's all their birthdays today.
I think women used to go to get it for events and be like, oh, I don't care. And now they'll just do half of your face. That way you can't walk out.
Yeah. I think I missed the opportunity to get like. Wow. Cause deep down inside I want like a really crazy Kim Kardashian like contour. Just one day. I just want to see what it would look like.
And now they only do half? Now they'd only do half.
Oh my god. I just went to Bare Minerals to get some new shit. And they only did half my face. That's crazy motherfuckers. I'm gonna buy some shit.
The face of late capitalism is a half contour. Like a worst contour in someone's face. And then we get more like that.
Just drop down the mall. You don't give a shit. Hey, I'm at the mall. No one else is here.
All right, great. Well, this is my absolute favorite part of the whole show. If the whole show is just this, I would be very happy.
But instead, no, I'm totally joking.
We have a survey online. We constantly post it. Please respond. If you have any questions, people can ask all of us questions anonymously. And God, would I have appreciated this in my teens. Any question at all. So I'll just rattle off some of these and we can all answer them together and get your guys to just like read on these.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Paul, once again, Paul. All right, great. Yeah, let's see. We have a few of these. Oh, baby. All right, you ready? Ready. These are fucking beautiful.
Should we hold hands now with it? Yeah, I'll hold hands.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
For those who are listening, a funny bit happened. So subscribe to Dropout to see it. Do you wanna know when the claw came into play? Subscribe to Dropout now. All right, first question.
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because I discovered I was a lesbian, but I didn't tell him that that was why. My old friends, friends in quotes, outed me and told him and now he's upset, accusing me of using him and of never loving him. Should I reach out and try to make things right or just leave it and hope he understands someday? He sounds like a toxic motherfucker. You can't blame him for being hurt, right? You can't like blame him for that. But also being like, you're using me like, no. I had, you have whatever, like even as a lesbian dating a man, I have been on dates or dated guys where I have had such positive feelings towards them and absolutely was not using them at all and then you get to this point in the rubber, you're like, man, I have so much love for you but it's not the exact type of love that I need. That is specific to me. Anyone that can't understand that either is lacking in maturity so you have to give them time or is just a person that you can't have in your life.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean this happened with Kate's ex which he was a really toxic, disgusting dude to begin with, I hope you're watching. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, Jess.
But yeah, I mean when he heard he was like, oh, you know, yeah, you used me, she's ugly, like all this kind of, and it really is just your own anger, your own, you have lost control, you don't have control of this person and their feelings and your feelings are hurt and you're acting out. I think only you know your relationship with this person. If you had a good relationship, I think it would be worth it to at least try to contact them once and just say, here's where I'm coming from, I'm sorry you had to find out this way or maybe you're not even sorry. But you know, and then I think as your, I mean I think both options that you put are very mature and then either he can either accept it or move on and maybe one day he will. And if not, then he's a fucking douchebag and who gives a shit? Yeah, I think probably the most important thing is you don't owe him an apology. It's pretty unreasonable. People change and grow. I wouldn't go up to an ex and be like, wow, I hear now you're good with money. Well, you dated me when you sucked with money, like you used me. People grow and learn more about themselves and it doesn't sound like you intentionally entered a relationship with him.
In order to become a lesbian.
Which is what using him would have implied. Yeah, exactly. And also lesbians don't use men to be lesbians. Yeah, that's not how that works.
Yeah, a little understanding would go a long way on his part, so it does sound like he's probably just hurt, which is understandable because you're probably great. Great, that's actually crazy because I never came out to my college boyfriend. We just broke up because I wasn't attracted to him, which is a sad reason to get broken up with and I wanted so bad to call him and be like, it's because I wasn't attracted to any guy. I'm so sorry I pinpointed it like that. That must have sucked. Did you tell him that you weren't attracted to him? Yeah, that you said those words to him? Yeah, well that's why I was just like, I don't find myself attracted to you. How long were you guys together? That is so sad. Yeah, that hurts to be on the other end of that. I know, yeah, so I totally understand, but then I was like, I don't know, it was like so long, I didn't come out for like three years after that and then I was like, who wants a cold call three years later to be like, I'm not attracted to any man, you know, click.
Would that be helpful? Probably not, great. Oh God, I love these questions. Oh, next round, hands. Yup.
I've been wanting to come out for months now, but every time I try to tell someone, I get choked up to the point where I can't spit it out. Is coming out over text or email okay, or is it better to be done face to face?
I say, I say do what's comfortable for you. I mean, if text is gonna be easier for you and you want them to know, do that. Do it however you wanna do it, is what I'll say, yeah. Totally, yeah. Yeah, and I think, I mean, back when, well, I guess I came out, it was only four years ago, but I think if I were younger and text was such a big part of my life and the way that people communicate, I think that it's a valid way to tell people if that makes you feel comfortable. You also don't have to tell everyone at the exact same time, yeah, you can do it the way that feels right to you and if you're being, you know, getting choked up, be kind to yourself too. Maybe there's just a reason and a timing that's gonna feel right for you and just because you haven't done it also doesn't mean anything.
Yeah.
Let me call my mom really quick. Oh, yeah, I had a friend, bye. I had a phone and then it broke.
I had a friend who was having a lot of trouble coming out specifically to his mom because she was the one that he was really afraid about coming out to and it really helped him to write everything down and then read it. So you kind of meet in the middle there, text and email and in person. If you write it out ahead of time and then you're just reading, sometimes that helps. But I think just what you said of being kind to yourself is really important too because a lot of times if you feel nauseous or you're crying too much, you're really hitting something that's been there for a long time or goes really deep. So if you feel super raw about something, one, that probably means that you're pursuing great growth, if it means that much to you, there's a lot at stake. So keep going after it, but. You're the most important person in your come out experience.
Exactly, yes. It's not like you can't control how other people are gonna react or the way that they would have preferred to be told, it is 100% about you. And honestly, even if you text or email it, there's gonna be a follow up conversation. Like you're still gonna be talking face to face, so you're really just kind of like, if you need that to lock you in to a face to face conversation, like a mass text out and you're like, great, now these people will find me. I would even recommend texting someone or emailing someone if you're nervous about their response.
Because then, I called someone very close to me to tell them and I didn't like their answer. Because their answer was like a long pause and a sigh and it wasn't the immediate acceptance that I needed and wanted to hear and I'll never forget it. And I wish that I had sent them an email so that they would have time, because they're not homophobic. This person's not homophobic. It was a lot for them to take in at the time. And so I wish I would have given them the time for them to give me the response that I wanted, if that makes sense. Yeah, true, yeah. But also, I think it's really important. We talked about this on the last episode. You, if you've been in the closet for 10 years and then you tell someone, doesn't it make sense to give them, I think, get ready to give that person time. Especially if it's like a tough person who this news will kind of be like crazy to. Give them time to kind of come to terms with it also.
But also fuck them if they don't react right away. Also, woof woof, guard dog, fuck them.
Next question. Interlocking fingers. We're dating now, oh shit, sorry. Yeah. Let me get a hair here. I've had a lot of fun tonight. All right, great.
But you can only pick one of us. I have one rose. I'm asexual.
Does it still count as coming out? Yes, yes, yeah, absolutely. My face was confused, not having to think about it, but confused by the question itself. Of course, if you feel like it's something you need to come out about, then it's coming out. Absolutely.
Yeah, I thought I was missing something in the question at first. But not to say that it was dumb to ask it. No, it's not a stupid question.
In my brain, it's like 100%. It seems so obvious, yeah. I think the point here is that there's kind of like a mainstream sexuality and if you fall outside of that, you come out. Unfortunately, like, you know. So yeah, of course you would be coming out as asexual. It must be so hard as a teen too because everything that is geared towards you is like sex, prom, sex, we're drinking and then we have sex. And even if it is, you know, whatever type of sex that you're having, yeah, if you're not feeling that at all. Yeah. That must be really difficult.
I was, and I know I don't wanna conflate asexuality with being in the closet because I know that there are definitely some people who are asexual. But I spent, there was a year before I was able to come out that I was like, no, I'm asexual because that solved all my problems. I was like, I'm Christian, I'm asexual. Kind of like a lot of the church's response to homosexuality is like, well, you can have the desire. You just can't act on it. And I had like fully internalized that and was like, great, I don't wanna act on it. Like, I am asexual.
And after a year of that was like, that's not for me. That could totally be for someone else. But for me personally, I was like, that is going against who I really am. Not a fit. That's not a fit for me.
As Sue Gillen once said, hi Sue. Hi Sue. We love you. We had a director named Sue Gillen who was perfect.
She would always tell us that if you were like the most powerful thing that like a woman or a queer person or any like marginalized person could know is the phrase, that's not a fit for me. For business situations. Because where a lot of us are taught to be like, try to be, you know.
Apology. I'm so sorry.
I can't do this. You just say, that doesn't work for me. That's not a fit for me.
I love that. And it's just short and sweet. And who can argue with that? No, that is a fit for you. You're like, oh, God, I love Sue.
All right, final question. Thank you. Kiss your own hand, too. Oh, yes. Self-love. All right, great. That's our time. Thank you for coming. Our final question.
Do you find that internalized homophobia still manifests in your life even years after coming out? Sometimes I find, for example, that when I talk about crushes or dates, I still use an ambiguous they them to describe them because for so long I was embarrassed to say he or him. I'm conscious of this and try to correct it. It's just unintentional sometimes. Does anything like this ever happen to you?
Oh, my God. Yes. Yes, I found it, I was truly struck by it in a recent loving relationship with a woman who was truly identified as bisexual. And her friends would constantly bring up to me that she was by. She's really 50-50. And I always found that so inappropriate because it's like, well, we're dating. Yeah, yeah.
And there was always straight women that were doing it to me and it was just like, are they telling me this because I don't have a dick so I'm not good enough and they're trying to remind me and then I would get so in my head and I would get so mad at her and she was not a part of it and she didn't know about it and when I told her about it, she cried because it was so disturbing to her and I realized I had spent so much of our relationship being like, I'm never going to be what you need because I don't have a dick. And that was, and she was like, I've mostly dated women. Like all of it was just like the stuff that I'd internalized about like being butch is just less than a man. And I had, and it was so in my head, so in my head, so in my head and just recently being like really coming to terms with every sex is different, every person is different, every relationship is different. The gender of an ex or who you went on a date with doesn't matter.
Yes, like it does not matter at all. You and your partner, you and whoever are having the only sex that you two can possibly have. Yeah, yeah. It is the most unique thing in the world and that is all. Yeah.
It's so crazy because it's like the friends are like well we expect her to end up with a man and it's like other people's expectations of what you should be doing that's somehow getting in your relationship and it doesn't make any sense. That's really interesting. I love this topic especially because all exes are going to be a nightmare. Like kind of regardless of the gender, you're like, it is hard to put your mind, like unless you're fully healed and a very healthy person but.
Which none of us are. Which no one is, we're all on the track. No one wants to think that they're not the one that their partner wanted.
Yeah, totally, right? Yeah. Yeah, totally.
I wonder, in business situations, do you guys come out? Oh, that's, I was actually thinking about this. So I have a business and I take photos of people and to make them feel comfortable, I feel with women, I feel like it's, I have a cup that says no one knows I'm gay and it's a big gay cup and I always put it out just to be like, I want to make it comfortable for everyone just in case. Because photographers can be creepy sometimes and I was talking to my friend about this last night. It's like with women, I'm very vocal about me being gay just so that maybe it will help them feel comfortable. But then I told that to another friend and my other friend was like, you shouldn't have to do that because it's just business and you should be good no matter what. And with men and straight men, I hide the cup.
I don't hide it, I just don't make it as noticeable because I just don't know who I'm gonna be meeting. And I guess that's something I struggle with. I struggle with when I can say it and when I can't and it's not that there's a can or can't. I'm still figuring out some of my coming out journey still.
Even with my parents, they love me to death and I love them and we're so close but we don't talk about me being gay still. But I know they love me and if they didn't, I wouldn't have such a close relationship with them. But I think for them, it's that thing of they still need their time. Going back to what we were talking about, they still need their time to accept it and until they want to talk about it with me, I'm not gonna force it upon them because I love them and I don't think they don't love me because I'm gay.
Totally. Yeah, yeah, totally. But yeah, it's just interesting. Yeah, and I do, I like that. Sometimes I get worried about myself about where I place where I come out and if it's benefiting me, sometimes I might feel a little bit guilty but I'm like, no, I think it's fine. To have to repeatedly come out over and over again to the world is so exhausting. Yeah.
And so then I think when it's beneficial, how finally, a breath of fresh air, this is, it's good in conversation. Great, this is a positive. And more and more, I think businesses are looking at it as a plus. Yeah, thank God. Yeah, it's the future. It really is, people want a more diverse work space. People want different perspectives because it's healthier for our business to grow.
I would say, at this point, not that I could ever hide it. I think you could. I almost lead with like, and I'm gay. Like when I walk in the room. Because also, that's the way that things have opened. That's the way that I've gotten opportunities.
It's just to be like, I'm a proud gay. If you need a proud gay for anything, I'm here. And for some reason, there is a market for a proud gay as you all.
Yeah, yes! Yeah, also, I feel like young people, which are the future, are so like, gender-fluid, openly gay, like, oh God, how promising. It's very exciting, yeah. It's so exciting to see like, my young cousin's Instagram, who's like 11, and I'm like, what? Those are all your friends. Yeah, it feels good too to be like, an older person who isn't like, oh, these kids, you know, I'm like, oh, I really like them more, and I wish I was in high school with them. And that would be a much better. Yeah, yeah, it's like a way better attitude.
I think someone was talking about, I just don't wanna become like a bitter person who's like, I did my time, and I had to scoot out of the closet in 24. No, we're here to protect that generation. That's our age group, is like, because we do, we didn't have it as hard as like the whole generation that died of AIDS, right? But we did have to come out. We did have a hard time with our parents. We did have a hard time with God.
Pronouns are a nightmare. Pronouns are a nightmare, yeah, because you still have that 90s kid in you that's like, I don't wanna ask for anything. You know, like everything feels very hard, but also, we get to be so excited for those kids, and we get to like, I feel like we are like the bastion that like protects them, so they get to be as queer as they want.
Totally. Yes, yes, yes. I love that. I do too. I love that so much.
If you're out there and you're young, good for you. We just sound 80 all of a sudden. Oh, you can still walk? Oh, Ron. It must be nice walking without having to come out.
Great, well that is all the time we have for this episode. Thank you so much to our three amazing guests. Find them online, reach out to them, Venmo them. And thank you for tuning in. And if you're not on Dropout yet, hop on, because there's also the Discord. You can be in a chat room with Jess and I, and maybe we'll be sitting next to you guys, and you can chime in as well. Yeah, zoom in on that, baby. She's gay. Thank you so much. Until next time.
Hey, what's up? It's Allie from College Humor.
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