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dropout | big_tobacco_s_saying_sorry_because_they_legally_have_to | There comes a time when you know you gotta fess up to the bad things you've done, like what a federal court forces you to. That's why we're owning up to the defrauding of the American public about the harmful effects of cigarettes and offering our sincere, heartfelt, legally mandated apology. So we lied to your faces, we know we did you wrong. So we're packing all our sins into the sad country songs. We knew that we hurt you, we're finally coming clean. We were literally changing your brain with our product to nicotine. We got caught, we got sued, and now there's just one thing to do. Big tobacco saying sorry, because we legally have to. That's right, the government sued us under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, and ordered we lose. Now they're mandating that we disclose all the harmful facts of cigarettes that we've known for like five decades-ish, but we're finally ready to do the right thing. After dragging it out in court for 11 years. Well to start there's a statistic that we're required to say.
Smoking kills more than 1,200 Americans a day. Cigarettes are addictive and not easy to quit. We designed them that way and it makes us feel like tar, which is real bad. Yeah those low tar cigarettes, they're not the same for answer. Neither are the light ones, they could all lead to lung cancer.
We're obligated to tell the truth, but we suppress research that opposed our view. Big tobacco saying sorry, because, because we legally have to. On our knees, look at our remorse, but we'll still try to get you to smoke. Of course we're so very, very, very sorry. Hey Ray, are we good? Are we done? Another thing, that second hand smoke can kill you too. Big tobacco saying sorry, because, because we legally have to. Stop! I'm done, I can't do it anymore.
You know, I actually kind of felt something there. Like I genuinely felt bad.
Wow. Psych. This barn's cool as hell though. |
cracked | how_companies_undermine_your_right_to_repair_their_broken_crap_cracked_explains | And unfortunately, major companies are trying their best to fight your right to repair because it infringes on their right to sell you broken shit. Americans spend over $1,400 a year on new electronics, including appliances, cell phones, and other consumer devices like this TSA-approved motorized luggage that turns JFK Terminal 1 into a Jim Cramer-themed Fast and Furious spinoff. That's because taking broken stuff to the nearest geek, genius, or other guy with glasses for a quick fix isn't always cheap. One study found that 70% of people think that fixing a broken smartphone screen costs less than $150, but in reality, that average repair costs $170. Your reaction to the notification that you'll never be verified, despite being a high-quality Dax Shepard knockoff, just cost you an extra 20 bucks.
The urge to upgrade to the latest iPhone or tricked-out American Tourister also generates a tremendous amount of electronic waste. In 2019 alone, the world discarded 53.6 million metric tons of e-waste, or the equivalent of 350 cruise ships, a standard unit of measurement of pure concentrated trash. But e-waste isn't just wasteful in a, let's save the earth because I've got Bonnaroo tickets kind of way. It's also in an incredibly stupid and expensive way. The UN estimates that 7% of the world's gold is contained in electronic waste, explaining all those prospectors panning around the dump. According to the US Public Interest Research Group, Americans waste $40 billion a year by throwing away entire products that can continue to function just fine with a simple repair.
It's also worth mentioning that nearly 15% of people on the dating market would think twice about going out with someone with a cracked cell phone screen. So be very careful when you're swiping right. While you may wish you could tinker with your telephone, companies like Apple are highly skilled at building beautiful products that give the average person no chance of repairing.
That's why Foundation is such a great fit for its streaming service. It looks really cool.
But give it two episodes, and it's clear that something is very off and desperately needs to be fixed. But if your own enterprising mind wants to perform your own inpatient iPad surgery, you're going to run into a series of repair roadblocks that turns the simple act of changing a dead battery into a drawn-out game of Mill Born.
For those who aren't familiar, that's the high-octane French car racing card game where drivers obey speed limits, change flat tires, and run out of gasoline. It's a lot of fun.
To get the green light, you'll probably need to first get your hands on a service manual to understand how to fix your product. But finding these aren't always easy. The Electronic Frontier Foundation refers to this as Manual Lockdown, in which a manufacturer either refuses to publish service manuals or threatens to sue those who provided access to them for copyright infringement. That's what happened in 2012, when Toshiba's lawyers threatened the Tim behind Tim's laptop service manuals for linking to Toshiba's laptop service manuals, forcing him to remove the contents and likely pivot to other Tim-related interests like iced coffee, boots, and caveman grunts. But let's say you do get your hands on an official repair manual, or at least an unofficial crowdsource do-it-yourself guide to fixing your surgical slush machine.
Just because you can get inside of a product doesn't mean that it's going to be possible to repair. On iFixit's repairability scale, Microsoft's 2017 Surface Laptop received a Washington General's grade 0 out of 10 score. Not only are its components non-upgradable and potentially dangerous to replace, there's no way to take it apart without destroying it. If you're still willing to take that risk, good luck trying to use your Philips or Flathead screwdriver. To make it harder to disassemble products, manufacturers have adopted an entire bowlful of proprietary, magically delicious screw shapes like squares, pentagons, stars, hearts, clovers, blue moons, pots of gold, rainbows, and red balloons. And even when you're lucky and charming enough to make it into the insides of, say, practically any MacBook released over the past five years, internal components like the keyboard, battery, and speakers are drenched in so much impossible to remove glue, you start to understand why Tim Cook worked so hard to build that supply chain pipeline directly to Shenzhen from the Loser Circle at the Kentucky Derby. If you're somehow able to remove that thick layer of sea biscuit from your laptop, who knows where you'll find the replacement components that you need.
As noted by the FTC, manufacturers intentionally make it difficult or impossible to obtain spare parts. But even if you've scanned the documentation and possess the tools and parts necessary to carry out a self-repair, companies want to scare you into thinking you're terminating your product's warranty. If you've ever leaped through the Magnuson Moss Warranty Act of 1975 because you had nothing better to do, you'll know that companies aren't allowed to mandate that consumers use brand-specified parts or services in order to keep their warranties intact. That's why in 2018, the FTC cracked down on those tamper-resistant warranty void if removed stickers. Turns out they were illegal, and you were perfectly within your rights to try to keep your PS4 from turning into Joe's apartment. But as of 2021, major companies are still lying to consumers by warning them that fixing products themselves will void their warranty.
Whirlpool, LG, Bosch, even Mr. Coffee, the JD Salinger of Percolators who to this day has never been photographed in public.
Companies across the spectrum have lobbied against the right to repair for all sorts of reasons. One reasonable argument against the right to repair is safety. These things are filled with chemicals and complicated components that can catch fire, explode, or in a worst case scenario, mark a message you were ignoring as red. But that's why having access to parts and instructions for carrying out DIY repairs is so important, so you don't inadvertently turn your automatic recliner into an electric chair. Another argument companies like Microsoft make is that unauthorized repairs can pose a threat to the security of their devices, and you should only rely on authorized professionals. From the Apple Store to the Verizon Store, rest assured that your device will be in the hands of world-class contractors with advanced technical knowledge of how to best text copies of your private nude photos from your phone to themselves. See, even if your authorized technicians aren't the ones tracking down dick pics in an Easter egg hunt, kind of like those ones that gave all those bunnies Legionnaires' disease, that still doesn't mean they're actually better at fixing your shit. Take the survey that found that 67% of medical device repair professionals were able to fix devices that the manufacturer themselves weren't able to do. That's one of the many reasons disability activists testified before the Colorado state legislature in favor of the right to repair, sharing stories of everything from a wheelchairs warranty being voided after a handyman repaired a loose wire to another wheelchair catching fire after an authorized technician incorrectly installed a battery. One guy with restricted mobility said it took an electric wheelchair company 60 days to inspect, authorize, and get parts for a repair that would have taken him and his family two days to carry out. I've seen people in the Apple Store lose their shit over a camera replacement taking an afternoon. I can't imagine the frustration of having to wait two months to keep your wheelchair from bursting into flames like a prop in some sort of Stephen Hawking Michael Bay biopic. But the fix is truly in when it comes to software or specifically software license agreements that prevent independent repair shops or owners from tweaking how their equipment works.
When mechanical equipment like a McDonald's ice cream machine or a John Deere tractor stop working, they generate secret diagnostic repair codes that can only be decrypted by a professional that's jacked into the small business matrix. That's why to avoid expensive repair bills, fast food franchises by ice cream machine hacking hardware to determine whether Ronald McDonald's cream is too viscous or just right. And farmers load Ukrainian firmware into their combines to help them pick up the pace in case little green men somehow make the jump from Kiev to Des Moines. Again, they say it's under the guise of safety, but in reality, it's a repair racket aimed squarely at the dollar menu. In John Deere's case, according to Bloomberg, parts and services at dealerships are three to six times more profitable than the sales of original equipment.
It's like that old saying, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But if it's broken, gouge the out of the poor bastard.
The right to repair movement appears to be heading in the right direction. In 2021, France enacted a rule requiring manufacturers to grade a product's repairability on a scale of President Biden direct the FTC to draft new self-repair rules. And more than half of all US states have since introduced or moved forward with repair legislation. Even manufacturers appear to be changing their tune, albeit slightly off key. Apple announced that it'll be providing repair parts and service manuals starting in 2022. But as noted by right to repair advocate Kyle Wines, it looks as though they're still going to place artificial restrictions on which parts you're allowed to use for a repair. But don't worry, if you're not cool with that, they'll still happily fix your out of warranty iPad for more than half the price of buying a new one. In 2018, John Deere made agreements with trade groups to make private repairs easier and maintains that farmers and independent mechanics can make 98% of repairs themselves. But as of 2021, reports demonstrate that they don't appear to be holding up their end of the bargain and they're blowing off questions from their own shareholders as they try to carve out some sort of repair exemption through the SEC.
But don't worry, if you're not cool with that, you can still happily purchase a three decades old tractor at an auction that doesn't connect to the internet. Even McDonald's is under investigation by the FTC for its broken ice cream machines. But don't worry, if the machine is still down when you get there, you can still buy seven donuts to lock in that stomach ache.
As foretold by Mayan prophecy in 2012, Massachusetts passed a law that required the auto industry to grant owners and independent mechanics access to the same diagnostic and repair software they gave to their dealers. While this legislation didn't make you qualified to host top gear overnight, it gave you or a local repair shop a fair shot at fixing something that you owned on your own. Without Lee Iacocca's ghost swinging by for some blessed autoerotic prima nocca. Now this narrow law only applies to the auto industry in Massachusetts, but it's served as an example for other legislation that gives people permission to ruin their own stuff if they so choose.
Because that's the thing here, printers shouldn't be disposable as Kleenex. And when they inevitably break down after having made the boneheaded mistake of trying to load it with paper, you should be able to fix it for a cheaper price than buying an entirely new printer.
Because, you know, things will happen. Hi, I'm Greg.
Oh, I just saw a squirrel. I just saw a squirrel climb up. I saw like a little squirrel shadow. I saw a squirrel climb up. I saw like the outline of a squirrel and it's like a furry little tail. |
SaturdayNightLive | ma_s_spagehetti_sauce_saturday_night_live | Hey, well, let's say that's a true story. Joey was there. we busted that Stenard's head right open, right Joey? hey, nobody disrespects me like that and gets away with it. we stopped that guy's body in the river, Eddie. hey, hey, we teach him a lesson you wanna you want? I should make him a Spaghet. Yeah sure Ma'am. I got a question for you.
You put something new in the sauce tonight. What's the matter? what's the matter? you not like him a sauce? Oh, no, I love the sauce. it's good. it tastes different to me. You not like him a sauce? you're making yourself!
Where we going after dinner, Boss? to the Warehouse. Hmm. you know where we gonna pick up Tony? no, no, we're gonna meet him there. He's gonna meet us, then we're gonna meet him. you know Mrs. Antonelli? yeah, baby. you are a great cook.
Ah, hey Ma, Ma, I mean the sauce, the food, it's incredible. Yeah, the food is incredible. Yeah, absolutely. But the sauce is distinct!
Okay, hey, now listen up. After we get to the warehouse, Vinnie, you bring the car around the front. Joey, Joey, I'm talking to you. you line the trunk with plastic and Tommy Tommy you stop putting the boxes in the back seat. You know what? you got your boss's car? Your base is covered, Boss. you're really smart. I got all my brains for my Ma. right Ma? clever as a fox.
Yeah, she's the best. I'm the best.
Except that I'm making the sauce! Joey Wine is very good. Joey, do me a favor. pass me the wine.
Hey Boss, come on. thank you very much. Boss. You want me to wax the car tomorrow? if you're up to it, let's see how I feel. Eddie. Give me your gun.
Oh, come on, Ma. the sauce is great. I love the sauce, Ma. don't come back to your mother. just give me your gun Eddie. Alright, alright, alright. I love the sauce. Are you like the sauce? Yes, I- get it done! Sausage Critic!
Why you make me hurt you? I love you. Why you make me hurt you? I love you too. you make me come from here and make me hurt you. I love you. I love you, baby. I love you too, Ma.
Sausage Critic!
I love you! you're a good person, aren't you? you're a good person. nice. Oh gee, look at that. Oh my God, you know what? I love you, my friend. I love you too, Ma. I love you. Guess what? I love you too. Yep. Ah. I love you. that was a good shot. that was a good shot. |
TheOnion | Jessica_Simpson_Goes_On_Nationwide_Book_Tour_To_Promote_The_Novel_She_Read | It seems like Jessica Simpson has been everywhere lately.
The pregnant Hollywood starlet is currently touring the country promoting the novel she finished reading just last month.
Simpson is campaigning hard for the book, a 414-page thriller written in 1996 by John Grisham called The Runaway Jury, promoting the bestseller on late-night talk shows, making public radio appearances, and even holding intimate readings and book signings.
Simpson described the multi-year process of reading the book as life-changing, saying, It was a real leap of faith, starting such a huge undertaking like The Runaway Jury, but after a few months, I got through the first chapter and it was like the characters were just speaking to me.
Jessica Simpson's fans are going crazy for the novel ordering dozens of copies of the book and tweeting to the blonde icon that it feels like she read the book just for them.
According to Simpson's publicist, We think this project will show Jessica is not just a singer and an actress, but she can also read books.
When asked if she has any plans to start a new book, Simpson said she's still winding down from finishing her first, but hinted that her next reading project might be about a boy who finds out he's a powerful wizard. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Zachary_Ruane_from_AUNTY_DONNA_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Close your eyes and soak up the smell of an old carpet with the aroma of residual smoke from back when it was legal to smoke indoors in Australia. That is the smell of the video store that I used to work at when I was a teenager. But the smell of the video store I work at right now is absolutely beautiful and heavenly. It is the last video store.
And I'm Alexis Touliopoulos, the clerk and host of this show. Each week, I'm joined by a guest that will discuss with me some of their favorite films in the style of an old school rental combo of one new release, two weeklies, and then I'm gonna give them a bespoke customized recommendation based on their taste. Joining me on the podcast today is one of my dear mates, the funniest fellas in Australia, and a sketch member of the sketch group, Aunty Donna.
It is Zachary Ruane. Zachary Ruane is a film buff, just like me, just like you. He loves films, and perhaps if I were to perish or be killed in some kind of horrific accident or on purpose assassination, Zach is probably a person that would take over the show for me. And I think the first suspect you should look at if something like that were to happen. But Zach is so funny.
He loves movies. He has got great eclectic taste. We talk about movies all the time.
So it's great to finally get one on the record. Finally, we've done a bunch of podcasts together, but grateful to get one on together in the video store. And I would say this has been very helpful to me. He's helped me make my show with Cameron James, Finding Jesus, which you can check that out, and so much more cool stuff from Aunty Donna as well.
And I'll tell you this, because we're back in the back room because of that torrential leakage that we had in our main cavernous chamber of the video store. We're stuck in the back room.
So he's going to get the back room deal combo one more time, just like our dear mate, Tony Armstrong dig, where we're going to give him one extra weekly pick. Okay? One extra weekly pick. So let's dive into our chat with Zachary Ruane from Aunty Donna fame. Yeah, it almost rhymes.
Well, it was only a matter of time before one of Australia's great cinephiles would come visit me in my outpost here at the last video store. I knew that you were coming today, Zachary Ruane, my dear friends. Hello, thank you for having me. Thank you for calling me one of Australia's great cinephiles.
Well, it's true. You have a passion for film that rivals my own. No, not that rivals you.
I see myself as a Padawan to you, the master. I see myself as a, as a, but a dark Padawan. Like you're- Like Mr. Maul. Yeah, I'm Mr. Maul and you're Palpatine. I'm Dr. Sidious.
One day he shall grace these, this, oh, we're in the back room today. So yeah, we will never allow him in the actual store. He shall remain in the back room with us.
Do you get, do you get, sorry to go off topic immediately. Of course, yes, yes. Do you get, I used to work at a video store for a very short run and we would get preview DVDs and preview videos where they'd go black and white every 10 minutes. Oh my gosh. So you couldn't pirate them. Do you get them here? We get them here.
And my favorite one that I've ever gotten was that is how I saw paranormal activity. Great. And let me tell you, it made it feel all the more real. And it's one of the most scary movie experiences I've ever had.
It's like I watched, do you remember that movie that was set? It was like an internet. It was about a snuff. Like they were doing a live stream internet snuff thing. It was from the early 2000s and it opened with the, with the whole, remember the internet sound? There was this movie. It mowed them buckling up. Should we try again? And it was, and that was the opening sound.
And it was one of those things that a very small amount of people, it was horrifying. And using that as an opening sound for horror was horrifying, but only I get it. And I couldn't show it to someone under 25.
Yeah, you're the only guy that has that reference. You, me, maybe people in their forties. Heck, maybe even a fellow named Dupree. Well, I'm gonna sign you up for the store. Oh, great. I'm gonna need to see a piece of ID and I'm noticing a little badge on your chest there. Yes, I do. I've got two little badges. These are two emblems and they're familiar to me. Yeah, you notice you can recognize who they are. You see who they are. Okay, I'm seeing a guy.
Okay, one is, I believe it's Mark Mitchell and he's got kind of flattened brown hair with a little whips to the side and these big old glasses. I'm thinking this is a guy, mmm, Mr. Fish. This is Mark Mitchell right here, yeah. And the other guy is the unmistakable Mr. Gribble. Also played by Mark Mitchell. We got Mark Mitchell. We got a couple of Mark Mitchells right here, yeah.
Hey, and check out this badge. I've got my own Mark Mitchell badge. Congratulations, what's your Mark Mitchell badge?
Oh, well, you know, if you look on one side, it says, ah, beautiful couple of days. And then on the other side, ah, happy.
That's how you know you're a real Greek. You get a Mark Mitchell badge. You get a Mark Mitchell badge when you're a Greek in comedy. But you also get a couple of Mark Mitchell badges when you ascend the ranks of comedian and head into the realm of comedian turned villain in children's TV show.
Yes, yes, yes, this is a great honor. So I went to acting school, and in third year acting school, that's a class that they ran. We're all fucked in the head. That's what you're trying to say. And in third year acting school, I described myself as a character actor. We were all talking about like future career opportunities. And I said, well, as a character actor, and I had two friends of mine, they thought that was so funny that I considered myself a character actor.
It's like, in that moment, you're 19. And then as soon as you finish a sentence, you're like, oh no, I'm 40 and bald. I became Bert Young in that moment. I was like, I'm not going to get work until I'm 40 and bald. I was aware, I've got to fill the next 20 years. I just was very conscious of that's who I was, but they thought it was so funny for someone at 19 to consider themselves a character actor.
So it has been my life goal to have a published article describing me as a character actor and I'm going to, I haven't talked to one of these guys in maybe 10 years, but I intend on finding out where he lives and sending him a cutout of that article. So it's been my life goal to be defined as a character actor. You were voted most likely to play a character witness in a courtroom drama. I got to be number two or three on an episode of Law and Order. That's on the list as well. But in this one, you're playing the villain in a kid's show, which is just like, that's a bit of a dream come true, right? It's huge. For a character actor like yourself. It's the, these are the badges, right? This is about earning the character actor rank. I've got to get five of these to become an Australian character actor. And my agent told me it's too hard to get into a Mad Max film.
So I'm working on the other ones right now. You're gonna work on the other ones.
Yeah, so yeah, I played- But in the tradition of Mr. Gribble in around the twist of Mr. Fish in Liftoff. I played Mr. Chantel in Planet Lulan.
And better than that, I'm not the villain. The villain is an alien from outer space. I'm just the uptight, the uptight teacher that kind of gets in their way a little bit. But more than that, just says exposition a lot. I'm the, and that's the dream. Like really, I'm not the villain. I'm not really- You're not antagonistic, perhaps? Yeah, but I'm a bit of a prick. Although it wasn't really written. I wasn't written as much as a prick as I play it. You're like, you fuck off on a dream, then I need to live for you. They wrote this like interesting kind of guy that's really excited about science.
And I just came on my- I tried to get as many face wobbles in as possible. And from day one, I was like, I'm gonna see how many times I can wobble my jowls. I inherited these jowls. I need to wobble them. And I was, the best part was, I was the only adult for a lot of my scenes. So I didn't work opposite any of the other adults for a really long time. So I just spent weeks of the shoot just being like, here I am wobbling my jowls. I hope the other adults are pitching their performance here because this could be one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done in my life. I'm just pitching this at mid nineties. Jowl wobbling.
Meanwhile, Lisa McCune's playing it straight. Oh God, we've got Richard Nixon impersonator here. Well, you know, this ID's checking out. I'm putting it through my system. All systems are go, brother. Oh, great.
So you are now welcome to put your little rental combo together. Your new renter's combo. You can get a new release, a handful of weeklies. I'm going to send you out to search those shelves. Come back with your bounty and we shall discuss your combo.
And then do we play it? Like, do we, do I have to act out the walking around? You have to walk around, you have to select your choices. You have to like walk past the adult section and glance at it, but not really consider it. And then slowly lean forward a little bit to conceal a hardening penis as you wander the rest of the shelves.
Oh, lots of good options. Oh, interesting. Where's your Pamela Anderson section? Oh, wow, very good, very good. Oh, where's your comedy section? Oh, here they are.
Awesome, my favorite comedy, Porky's. Oh, I love it, I love a raunchy teen film.
Well, I'm going to say this, choose wisely, sir, because at the end of your combo, your little bonus, the staff pick recommendation, my bespoke choice based on your taste. So be honest, be earnest and be sincere, baby.
Oh, wow, I love this. This is beautiful. New release. Okay, I've got them. All right, you've got this beautiful stack here sitting neatly on top. It's a new release. And I'm going to tell you this, this is also one of my very favorite movies in the last few years. Yeah, yeah.
You recommended it to me. You recommended it to me and I forgot that you recommended it. And then I watched it and then I went back over your recommendations and I was like, whoa, great. Wow, what a shame you forgot one of the most significant moments of your life. No, but it was good because then I went into it with less expectations. I went into watching it, not being like this is Alexi's pick of the fest. Literally, I remember when I saw it, we hung out at the start of the day.
We're talking about the movie, May, December. Yep. Drama. By Todd Haynes.
And we were hanging out together. You were in Sydney for one day, fly in, fly out. Yeah, yeah, I had a real crazy. And that's when you ascended to Nightwood. In that day, I was like, we got another one amongst our ranks. He's a man flying to Sydney to watch films he can watch in two months time. But I remember that afternoon, I was like, come on, just extend your stay.
Come see May, December with me. Come see May, December. And then you finally caught up with her. What are your immediate thoughts about May, December?
I just, I loved it so much. It's hard to describe. I was hoping to rewatch it because I watched it at the Melbourne Film Festival.
So that was now a few months ago. A few months ago.
The way I describe it, it's like a delicious premise. Yeah, yeah. Delicious premise. And it's something I loved so much about it is I think we've lived, we've reassessed a lot of things in the last 10 years about how we responsibly tell stories about certain things, right? And so we've been going through a very careful period of time, I think, in filmmaking. And what I love about this film is I think it's very responsibly told and it's very ethically told, but it's funny and it's dark and it's messy and it's interesting. It's everything I want out of a film like this, but I don't feel gross at the end of it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, there's like the undercurrent of grossness that every now and then it comes through to you. But I think the way that you're, like the way you're saying, it's only the way that it's presented because it's also about like cultures, how culture grapples with these things. So if you're not familiar with May, December, it is just like I said, just a delicious, delicious premise.
20 years after a notorious tabloid romance grips the entire nation. It's one of those things where you hear about those stories of a older woman who has started an extremely illicit romance with a minor, a younger man. They have become a married couple in the years since and now Natalie Portman plays an actress going to live with them, to study them, to turn it into a performance for a film.
And I think like when I heard that premise, especially for Todd Haynes, who's so known for like taking melodrama from the Douglas Sirk era of the 1950s, stuff like All That Heaven Allows, and then transforming those things to be either modernized versions of them or like in a contemporary setting like this one is, or presenting those with kind of modern contemporary attitudes, but still in the 1950s, like Carol and stuff. And I think this is just like the perfect evolution to be about that kind of stuff. It just feels like a director, you know, there's that amazing thing that happens. It happens with, this is a weird divergent, but it's like something I always- You're a Shane Whittley on me, you're a divergent, mate.
Something I've always thought when I was like starting out as a comedian is I think when you first start out as a comedian, you can't make something funny if the core idea isn't funny. You don't know, like the core has to be funnier, but you can't. And then you'd look at these older comedians, these more experienced ones that have such a command of their form that they can take any idea that they wanna talk about and they can make it funny. They can just go, I'm gonna talk about this thing and I'm gonna make it funny for the audience. And that point in a comedian's career is something I've always aspired to get to.
And I think that this feels like the filmmaking equivalent of that. It just feels like this is a director who, it's a first time writer, I think. First time writer.
Which is amazing. It's a very, very bold and strong screenplay. Yeah, yeah. Oscar-nominated screenplay. Deservedly so. Absolutely. We give it a nod though.
It just feels like a filmmaker that is just using all of the tools in his tool belt and doing it amazingly. It's so funny and it's so murky. You never quite know who you're meant to be on the side of. It's just such a good film. And the kind of way that would describe that atmosphere is something that he creates within moments. As soon as the film starts, you start having this intoxicating atmosphere that feels like a hazily remembered afternoon telemovie that you would have seen on cable when maybe you're homesick or you're home-bored on the weekend as a kid or a teenager. And you're just going like, what is this? And because of that, it kind of awakens that tabloid camp of May, December as well. The campness is, it's weird because maybe it's not overt straight away, but as soon as you get into it or as soon as you notice that camp kitschy quality, it becomes the overwhelming feeling of the film as well and where the kind of humor comes out.
The first line is, I don't think we have enough hot dogs. And you just go, like if you lock it on from there, you're like, you're in. And not only that, I don't think we have enough hot dogs.
It has a zoom with it and it has like the most phenomenal music. It's played like the most dramatic moment imaginable. Yeah, and it uses the score from the go-between, which is like a classic 70s era English film that is kind of a bit more about that, oh, how do you say it? Like that's the simmer of like a romance, like not being overt, but it uses that score just to like kind of amp up that high camp perfection and add a little bit of depth to it as well. Yeah, totally. And it has just the whole, I think something I loved about it that I really loved about it is there's this sort of, there's this assumption that it knows its audience is smart enough to know.
It doesn't have to tell us that certain acts that are depicted in this film or that this film is about are bad things to do. There's no like, it's like, we all know that's bad. Now let's dig into the characters.
There's just such a great, just confidence I think. I loved it. I thought it was so good. And I love that. It's why I really wanted to rewatch it before I came here, but I didn't get the chance because I think it's the sort of film that's gonna continue to reveal itself every time I watch it. That's the best part. For the best kind of movie and those three lead performances, Natalie Portman, Julianne Moore, that amazing list that goes in and out. And that's why we'll watch it again.
And Charles Melton, incredible young performance from a younger actor. Amazing performance.
Breakthrough, breakthrough. Breakthrough. Breakthrough alert. You got the breakthrough button.
Uh-oh, cinephiles, at your ready. There's a breakthrough performance by a young actor. Show your support, show your support. He put on weight for the role.
I'm team mama. We're gonna get into your weeklies before we do. I have to ask you another question. It's something you kind of hinted at earlier.
Have you ever been a member of another video store before? Yeah, I used to work. I used to work at a Video Easy. Wow, a member of the tribe. I worked there for six months.
Whoa, which Video Easy? Video Easy in the Latrobe Valley in Morwell, where I grew up.
Wow, my gosh, this sounds like a fantasy realm. It was a real dream job, but then I got off, well, you know, a real dream job, but small business manager. So that wasn't the funnest thing. I remember at one point I went on holiday with my family because I was 14. And then she was like, you can't go on a holiday when you promised you're going to be available over the break.
I'm like, what was I meant to do? Well, I'll tell you what you're meant to do.
I dedicated myself. I said, this is my first priority in this life. And it's an allegiance I swore. Yeah, that's amazing. I took the blood oath.
Well, my big problem was I then got offered a job at the cinema. Oh gosh. And that was, you know, that's equal dream job right there. So I took the dream job at the cinema. I left the dream job at the video store. I took the dream job at the cinema. On some levels I regret it though, because cinemas are only the movies that are out right now.
You don't get to play. A lack of history. Yeah, you don't get to play with the recommendations.
That was always my favorite thing to do. So I think I would have learned a lot more at that video shop. Well, it was my greatest film school. Yeah. And that's someone who went to film school for four years. The video store was still my greatest film school.
It would have been amazing. That would have been great.
But also at the video store, pods were a new thing when I was working there. Remember pods? I'll have to forget, I still have a pod-based diet. It's all pods.
It's a Snickers flavor encased in a wafer cup. And this is the thing, you know, everyone remembers video stores. I'm looking at your fairy floss right here.
And it's $85 for a bag. A packet of chips, $90.
Yeah, well they're vintage. These are vintage fairy flosses.
I don't know, I think you're doing a bit of a markup there. They crystallize when you open them up. It's like a little crystal of fairy floss. But for some reason, for the first month of those pods being available, our manager didn't realize how much of a markup she could do. And she was charging the same as a Coles or Woolworths. Oh my gosh.
And I was just munching on those pods, 24-7. Munching on those pods while an ad for Sideways played on the TV screen. I don't want any fucking Snickers pods.
All right, your first weekly. It's an Australian treasure. One of my all-time favorite Australian films from the master, the Hitchcock acolyte himself, Richard Franklin, It's a Road Game. Yeah, yeah, I love road games. And if you're not familiar with road games, it is affectionately known as review window.
Because- Great, love that. Isn't that beautiful?
Because it's basically Hitchcock's re-window as told going through the Nullar Bar along the highway. And Stacy Keach, great American actor, he witnesses a murder happening. And he's basically on the road tracking this murderer or trying to escape this murderer, the way that re-window plays out. Also stars the lovely Jamie Lee Curtis and one of my personal heroes, Grant Page as the villain, Australia's greatest stuntman. There you go, there you go.
Yeah, no, this is a relatively recent discovery. I only watched this film in the last couple of years. And it was one of those moments where I was like, here's this incredible Australian, here's this incredible genre film, full stop, removed from, removed from Australia. Here's this incredible genre film with, you know, Jamie Lee Curtis is the most famous genre actress there is.
Yeah, she's a scream queen, it's official. It's official, she's close to one of the OGs. She's at least a scream queen royalty. Exactly, she's in the dynasty, her mother of course, Janet Lee, the star of Psycho.
And Halloween H2O for a scene or two. And when they pop in that scene together, what is that riff I detect playing? Is it the theme of Psycho interpreted through Halloween's theme? I didn't realize it was her when I was watching Halloween H2O the first time. And then the theme played, I'm like, oh, that must be her.
Hang on a second, there must be parents inside the door. Oh, okay. But I remember just being shocked that this film wasn't more well known. That this isn't talked about in the, it is within film fan communities. It's, you know, it's definitely- I'd say it's definitely on the cusp of being a true cult film. Yeah, yeah. But it just, I think what blew my mind was two things. One, that it's not in the conversation the way that a picnic at Hanging Rock is.
And two, that when it is, it's lumped into Ozploitation. And it's kind of like, I love Ozploitation. It's an area of study and love for me. And it's kind of on the cusp of like, not quite Australian New Wave. It's not really quite an Ozploitation movie. No, it's- It's a, like, I rate, I care about Ozploitation films, so I'm not denigrating those by saying this, but it sits kind of a little bit above those. It's certainly, it's closer to a John Carpenter than a, you know, than a Felicity sexy- Yeah. I don't think that's denigrating the sexploitation.
We love album purple, we love his penis. Don't get me wrong, but it's a really well-told, like, visually, like, a visual feast. It really is. You might say. And cause it's like capturing that out back, like the desert landscape, but what I really love about it, and I think it's like, actually what the secret recipe is for this, because, you know, a lot of the Hitchcock acolytes, like the Parma or someone, also one of my heroes, all those grubs, I love all the grubs that love Hitchcock, but there is an understanding to, like, what the secret source of re-Window is, where it's not just the tension, it's not just the thrills, but in re-Window, when you're looking out that window, you're kind of getting the little glimpses into people's lives, the neighbors. You see, like, scenes where you're like, oh, there's a couple going through a breakup, or like, there's a, you know, you see, like, people's lives and I think that Franklin really understands that because across the road, he's able to interpret that feeling of like when you're on the road in Australia, which we all experience in some kind of form of like a summer holiday type thing, especially when you're a kid and you've just got your eyes out on the road and there's all these people that you're sharing the road with, they become your neighbors over like the six-hour trip that you're on, you start noticing the familiar people, you start going, oh, what's their story there? And I think he captures that, those in vignettes really, really well. A hundred percent.
It's like, I don't know why I'm thinking of Batman versus Superman right now. Oh, well, it's always running through your brain after a cause.
You share a name with Mr. Snyder, the two Zacharies, if you will. Mr. Snides.
But I remember with Batman versus Superman, the amount of iconography and imagery he took from the comic books, but without, there didn't seem to be like a core reason for including it. There didn't seem to be that core like transference of the ideas.
I think you're so right. This, not only does it capture what's great about Rear Window, it really does put it in a setting that is fitting for it. It's not just, it absolutely makes sense. You don't have to have seen Rear Window to appreciate this film. Absolutely. I just thought it was so cool. And I also, the other thing I really love about it, and this is something I can go on about if I'm not careful, but I just think there's something about- Can I give you something to say? Yeah.
Throw caution to the wind, baby. There's no need to be careful. Let's go.
No, I just, I had this moment on the, I did a screening of it and watching it on the big screen, it's so fun and thrilling. And I had this thing where I thought to myself, if I were to really try to capture what Australia does best, what the majority of our output does best, I think there's something about, like we really push taste in a really cool way. We really push against what is considered tasteful and we make choices that maybe aren't the right choice, but they provoke and they're interesting. And if you really look at it, that's across the board, I think. You know, it's the comedy that we do is often, the comedy that does well overseas is stuff that is a little bit- Off kilter. Off kilter and not for everyone. And I would say, especially for people like in our generation, it's probably like that surrealist touch that a lot of the stuff that we grew up on in Australia, it is like surreal comedy, like Round the Twist, like Liftoff, like your hero, Mark Mitchell. Like Mark Mitchell, absolutely. And then you look at even Mad Max.
But it also, it goes, our biggest export, whatever you think of him would probably be Baz Luhrmann. And Baz Luhrmann is the number one reason I think he's controversial as a filmmaker in terms of people liking him or not.
Too restrained.
And I just, I had this real moment where I just thought everything that really cuts through, pushes against taste, risks being bad in order to be brilliant. And yet so often when we look back at the stuff we've made, when we look, when a lot of the funding bodies give money to the things that are gonna get made, it's, there's this like hunt for niceness. And it's just like, that's never the thing that we've done wonderfully. That's never the thing we've done well. And it always takes someone overseas or something overseas to tell us that things are good. And I just think we need to embrace the fact that the best stuff we do pushes against taste a little bit. And I think this film really captures that for me. That's beautifully put.
Consider me moved. Even though it sounds like I wasn't, I am. But I'm trying to save time. It sounds like someone who does a weird, who's in a weird sketch group making a, trying to put himself into a canopy. That's what it sounds like. I'll give a couple of shout outs before we move on.
Everett DeRoche, the screenwriter of Road Games, he made a few other classics in that Ozploitation era. Long Weekend, he wrote Long Weekend, which is a great trans horror film that is the epitome of what transgression means in horror. Then you've got Razorback, Jaws with a giant pig. Patrick, another collaboration with Richard Franklin and a film that I really love that's a bit underrated and under seen, Fortress from 1985, starring Rachel Ward.
But in that conversation with Richard Franklin, he is like a real acolyte of Hitchcock. He invited Hitchcock to speak at his film school and he came. He had conversations with him a lot over the years and he directed Psycho II.
Yeah, great film. I think is one of the best sequels ever made. Yeah, 100%.
And no one knows about it at all.
No, no. Other films that he made, he made Patrick, which is basically Psycho. Which is his take on Psycho. Road Games is his take on Rear Window.
And then the next kind of famous movie that he's made is a children's adventure movie called Cloak and Dagger, starring Dabney Coleman and Henry Thomas, which is like a spy kind of thriller. And I remember watching it and before going into it, I go like, I wonder what Hitchcock film this is. And within a few minutes ago, oh, it's North by Northwest.
He is, I absolutely adore Richard Franklin. He passed away a little young and I kind of wish we got to see more of his films, kind of wish. I'm gonna say, I definitely wish. I definitely wish and I wish he, like I think that the tides were turning and he was being appreciated more, but I think it would have been nice for him to see because I think people are really starting to get on board with how great he was. Oof, oof, absolutely.
Zach, I did notice you lording around the comedy section. Well, I'm a comedy boy, Alexi. And I think it would be silly not to pick a comedy. And that's interesting, because I often say comedy is the silliest genre.
It's up there. It's definitely up there.
I think it's possibly the silliest genre. I'm trying to think of a sillier genre, you know, as a joke, but I really can't. Think of anything sillier.
Circus features. Yeah, yeah, maybe some children's films, but most of them are comedies just for kids, you know? That is true. But it's a wonderful film.
Yeah, should I say it? Please say the words out loud.
I've got Zoolander here. Comedy. By director Benjamin Stiller. Benjamin Stiller's Zoolander. That's how it should have been credited. Ben Stiller's Zoolander.
Was this a formative film for you? As far as your taste is coming from. No, I only saw it last week.
Yeah, no, no. Excuse me, I'm having heart palpitations. We're gonna need to call an ambulance in here. My breath has escaped my body.
No, this is like the formative comedy. Like this, I think this along with McAuliffe program are like the two most formative things.
Yeah, I love this film. I think what's really exciting about Zoolander is it's a comedy with a really unique personality. And a lot of that takes form in the world building around the characters because it's a great film because it goes, okay, what's a niche that we can explore and really reverberate comedically with?
And it's going, okay, male models. And I think Ben Stiller is great director, great performer, great writer, hunk, beautiful, charming, sexy, the whole package to make a male model comedy. I re-watched it recently and the bit where he goes down into the mine, it's just like, this guy is ripped. This guy is like ripped. And I get it cause he's playing a model, but it's like, he has no right to be this funny. This man has no right to be this funny, this beautiful man. But no, he has to believably look like a male model. Doesn't he?
I love it. I think it's a really well-structured film. It's nearly perfectly structured as a film. It's tight. It tells the story. It's everything comes from story. It's just so funny.
The one bit I don't like is the stiffy bit. Oh, when the stiffy is getting whacked in a massage table? Yeah, I just reckon that tips it over the edge.
But other than that, a perfect movie, I think. I remember that's one of the earliest times I remember seeing this movie. It must've been the first. I was coming home from school. I saw that it was on like movie extra or whatever the cable channel was. They would play this and like, oh great, I'm going to watch it.
And I'm watching it with my Yaya, my grandmother. She's sitting down with me. She's laughing.
And the scene that she laughed the most that I did not laugh very much at all during was the stiffy, a warning being slapped. It's so funny because the whole movie is pitched at a certain level. And suddenly it's got a dancing stiffy. It's got a man in drag with like extreme prosthetics that looks like prosthetics. It's just like, this is from a different film.
And also I love in this film, the like employment of John Voight as like a dramatic actor playing his father due to Friedlander and Vince Vaughn playing his weird brothers. I think just casting that out, just outside of comedy, like Vince Vaughn, he's very funny man, but casting that slightly outside of comedy adds gravitas to it. And then John Voight doing a real performance with touches of comedy is a great stroke.
When I think about it- And when I'm doing that great stroke, that boner ain't wavering away. When I think about it, I think like that's, there's so many things in that film that have influenced my comedy, but that's such a great reference. There's nothing I love more than like clunky writing, writing that doesn't quite work and then getting a good actor to deliver it the best they can. That's why you and I link up. That's it. Cause I think that's, I know, you know, we both have a love for exposition and like really telling exposition and stuff. That's why I love fantasy movies.
You're more dead to me than your dead mother. Getting John Voight to say, you're more dead to me than my dead, than your dead mother is just comedy gold.
It's a beautiful cast. Owen Wilson and Stila Together. So funny. Christine Taylor is like the perfect straight man throughout and David Duchovny's cameo. Come on, come on, come on. The cool story Hansel is incredible as well. It's just a perfect movie. It's so funny. And I think that use of relax, Frankie Goes to Hollywood. There's something about that where it's like, do you think that's like the perfect song for this? 100%.
Everything's perfect.
The tiny little phone, the fact he can't turn left.
It's just like, it's just filled with great jokes. And they're all like, they're all so perfectly within the structure of it. And it's that, it's the thing for me that I love the most about that movie is every line that everyone remembers and quotes, there's another one, two or three lines after it that would have been just like, if that- If they could have fucking heard it, if they weren't laughing so hard. Yeah, legitimately. Like for me, everyone talks about, what is this?
A center for ants. It needs to be at least three times bigger.
But my favorite bit in the entire movie is Will Ferrell's response, which is, he's absolutely right. The way he plays it, just this pitch of like, I'll give this man whatever he wants. But the knowledge that that's the stupidest thing he's ever heard. It's, I think the greatest moment in Will Ferrell's career.
It's the best line in the whole movie. And no one thinks about it because it comes after one of the most iconic comedy lines of all time. It's just an incredible film. All right, your final pick, it's a classic from the twisted mind, hidden behind one of filmmaking's greatest, great quiffs.
Yeah. How did we dare talk about this in such a short time, Frank? It's one of the movies, isn't it? Truly. It's like one of the movies. The films, the movies, the cinema.
When did this film come into your life for the first time? So I watched this film when it was a new release and I was way too young for it. I watched it when I was, it came out in 01. So I would have watched it in 02 probably when I was 12 years old.
I watched it with my family and they made me close my eyes and block my ears during the rude bits. Wow, let me tell you this. My father loved this movie and my step-mum and they were very scared of it. They bought it on DVD. I'm going through their shelves, pull one out, I go, excuse me, what's this? R18 for sexualized nudity? I think I'm gonna put this one on around the same time. Let's watch this. So I watched it in the absolute privacy underneath the doona. So you, I love this idea that it would have been on second and third viewing that I discovered how horny of a movie it was and you discovered how beautiful and sad of a movie it was. You would have just been like boom. Well, I tell you David Lynch played it very well for a 12 year old me because he demanded there'd be no skip function on this DVD. You have to watch it all. So to get to those moments of sexualized nudity, I was exposed to many thoughts I was not ready for. I put this movie, so that I put the vivid memory I have is we watched it as a family.
I had to close my eyes during the horny bits and then we went for a walk afterwards and my dad hated it. He hated it because the ending didn't make any sense and it doesn't.
Well, it does but. Yeah, I tell you when I watched it a couple of years ago, it all clicked. Cause it's a film that I've watched many times in my life almost once every two years. The last time I watched it was a time that it all oddly clicked for me.
Where you kind of understand the movie as two halves. To me, there's no ambiguity to the ending anymore and the surrealism all makes sense. Especially within this era of modern American surrealism, that turn of the millennium, as I like to call it, the millennium mind fuck era of filmmaking. And it is different to a lot of those because a lot of those are a really complex idea, distilled down to, and using surrealism to distill it down to like an image that is understandable or a feeling. I think this is almost the inverse where it is a rather simple story and a familiar Hollywood story. Then instead of distilled, it's expanded to be about the feeling, to be expanded about the notions of character and who you are and identity. It's complicated rather than distilled down. There's this true abstraction where you can appreciate an old story anew. Cause that's true. It's when I actually think about what the story is, there's so many stories like that.
It's a story of a dorky lady, a dorky Diane, as I like to call her. A dorky Diane.
You know, the idea that Hollywood corrupts. We've seen that so many times. But when you watch it like this, there's this layer, I think, in the way that comedy, if you only go serious, if you don't have comedy in something, you don't open up your heart. So you're more likely to feel, I think, if there's something that helps you let it in. And this is the same thing. It's such a, it's a story that's been told so many times. It's really hard to connect with what's saying, but by abstracting it, it's so much more beautiful.
And I mean, I think that's the other thing about Lynch is people love to talk about how weird he is. I think the two things people forget is one, how funny he is.
This movie's a very funny film. The espresso scene is very, very funny.
And also almost all of these films have a very tragic human element to them. You know, that's the thing I think people forget is he really, really cares about his characters and you feel for his characters, you know? Even though they go through some horrible shit, you're not meant to be like, whoa.
I just think it's such a beautiful film. And I also think I watched it at such a perfect time. I think it was this Donnie Darko. Oh my gosh, wow. A man was birthed into this world in those moments. And like Neon Genesis Evangelion. Those three things at exactly the point where I was deciding what story was or what film and television was, I saw those films at exactly the time where I could, it was a way of saying, hey, it doesn't have to make sense all at once.
And I think because of that, I'm now much more chill with everything. I can go and watch Titane and be like, I'll give this one a day. I'm not gonna make any snap judgments right now.
And I can thank Mulholland Drive for that, you know? Wow, well, spoken about beautifully, Zachary, you truly have ascended to the rank of master. Well, I hope so, Alexi. I hope so.
There are people listening to this going, what's this doofus on about? No, you are now on the Cinephile Council. Me, you, a little green bald guy with huge ears, we're all together on the council.
And to signify that, I'm gonna bestow upon you a gift of my recommendation. As I was putting these films into my algorithm of my brain, the Alexa algorithm, if you will. Oh yeah, great, I will.
No, I think I won't. No, I think that's a keeper right there. Oh no, that's the keeper.
I was really like going, where do I start here? And because Rogue Games was an exciting pick for me of the ones you chose. I was like, okay, why don't we think about like the other children of Hitchcock, the other acolytes out there. I love the re-window of that. And immediately as I started thinking about that, okay, there's another great re-window slash vertigo resurgence film. A film that uses those as the backbone to tell another really wack re-genre story. And then I started populating the other ingredients in there. I wanted a little bit of like, I guess Mulholland Drive's also vertigo nature, a little bit of that kind of, how do I say it? Like the perversion of Mulholland Drive that's in there, a little bit of the leery quality of May, December, and kind of like the campness around those. I started thinking, okay, what about Zoolander?
Hmm, what if there was a movie that had all of those elements, including it being a Hollywood story, a story set in Hollywood, in the backgrounds of acting and movie making. And what if in, if there was just a film that had all of those things together and also had a three minute music video sequence dedicated to Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood in it. And I thought, hang on a tick brother, there's one movie that has every single one of those elements altogether. And it is by the grub master himself, the other Hitchcock acolyte, Mr. Brian De Palma, who I know is an actor, director, who's filmography you want to explore. And the movie is his film, Body Double.
Oh, a film I haven't seen. I was hoping it was one I hadn't seen. Starring Melanie Griffith.
And it truly does have a music video that he directed of Relax, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, the song from Zoolander in it. He directs an entire music video sequence in there.
Body Double is about an actor who loses an acting role and his girlfriend. And the actor's name, Jake Scully, not to be confused, Jake Sully from Avatar. He finally catches a break. He gets offered a gig house sitting in the Hollywood Hills while peering through the beautiful home telescope one night he spies a gorgeous blonde dancing in her window. But when he witnesses the girl's murder, it leads Scully through the netherworld of adult entertainment industry on a search for answers with porn actress played by Melanie Griffith as her body double as his guides. This is truly an amazing choice, Alexei.
Yeah, I kind of lost my fucking mind when I put it all together. I felt a surge of energy quivering through my bones. My bone marrow started going through tidal waves. The tide changed into my bone marrow saying, Brother Bear, you've got something here.
You've got something in there. And the way that I kind of think about De Palma, the way that he channels Hitchcock's language of suspense when it comes to filmmaking through his own impeccable technical prowess, he replaces those chased moments in Hitchcock's films with utter grubby horniness. Full horn, full horn. Imagine. And especially it's like this muddy porno voyeurism that's in this one. And it's just like, if you can embrace that and going through your list, I think you fucking can. I think you'll get a lot out of body double.
Yeah, I think you've made such a profoundly good choice here. I was really thinking there was, because it's funny, because I thought I'd picked quite randomly. I thought I'd just kind of gone, well, Mulholland Drive's probably my favorite movie. I loved Maitus. But I thought this is a pretty eclectic mix. You thought you're putting the master through the test, but it was the padawan that was run through the gauntlet. And I'm also seeing a through line in my taste here.
Zaki loves a camp Hollywood story with a noir edge. Zaki certainly does.
Amazing. Thank you so much, Alexi. This was a great choice. My pleasure.
You know, you've got an overnight, so come back tomorrow, drop that one back in the shoot. I'll be waiting there to catch it through that little hole in the door. No, you give me a fine and you'll never fucking see me again, man. I'm moving to Ballarat. What if I promise half price if you pay on the spot when you return? Oh, think about it. Oh, shit, okay. And Zach, I'm going to extend you a little bit of an offer.
You have worked in a video still before. In hospitality, they call it a rockstar shift when someone comes back to the industry for a little night. In this world, we call it Tarantino. If you ever want to come to a Tarantino shift with me, join me on this side of the counter.
This has been a blast. And I recommend you listen to more episodes of the podcast. It's called The Last Video Store. We haven't really said the title out loud within the realm of the podcast. Yeah, I went to call it The Petuda Video. But that's the name of the store.
It's actually quite a world of credit here. Well, well, well, what a genius staff pick from me. Truly, like actually fricking insane that it worked out that way. But it did. Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways.
And I'm the Lord of this podcast. Let's get into Zach's picks. May, December, one of my favorite movies is now newly available on VOD for rental on your Apple or whatever one you use. So check it out if you haven't already. It fricking rocks. There's also a Blu-ray in Australia and it's not released on Blu-ray anywhere else in the world. So thank you very much to Viavision for doing that. And Road Games, all time favorite of mine is on Brolly. Our friends at Brolly have got that streaming right now. Zoolander is on Binge and Paramount Plus. Mulholland Drive is Stan and Binge and the Criterion Channel if you're a subscriber. Also that new 4K from Studio Canal and Criterion, that disc, oh my God, brother, it's a serialist stream. And Body Double, my pick, my little work of genius constructing that pick together is available on SBS On Demand for fricking free, dude. Or you can rent it on VOD if you wanna pay for it. But you know, just go on SBS On Demand, support public broadcasting online, dude. That is today's episode. Thank you to Zachary Ruane for joining me on the podcast and picking up those rentals.
I absolutely love you, brother, if you're listening to this. Personally, this is a message directly to you, Zach. I love you, I cherish you, and I can't wait to be your friend for the rest of our long lives together. Very long lives. Keep up with the podcast on Instagram at lastvideostorebattuta and you'll get some exclusive clips and shit on there. And then you can follow us and subscribe to us on YouTube to watch the podcast, to listen to the podcast on Spotify and Apple. Give us a five-star review. And I really appreciate it. And why don't you, in that review, tell us what your rental combo would be and you know what, maybe I'll get to it and actually tell you a customized recommendation directly to you. So until next time, please keep spinning those discs and watching those beautiful movies. I love ya, I'm Alexi. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_205_Darren_Chester_Nationals | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. You are listening to the Batutah Advocates New Decode podcast, a series that endeavors to help explain the many different personalities, tribes, ideologies and jargon that exists within our federal politics. This series will continue right up to the federal election and perhaps beyond as we aim to shine a light on a media and political class that treat us like mushrooms, as in they feed us bullshit and keep us in the dark. It's come to be a running theme heading into this election. No one really knows what's going on or who they're voting for or which party anyone belongs to.
That's the kitchen table conversations anyway. My name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and I'm joined today by editor at large, Errol Parker. How are you, Errol? Good, mate. I agree with those sentiments.
And I just think that, you know, there's no real more effective vote this time around than a donkey vote moving forward. I think we're just going to have to look forward to things moving along at a very slow pace in this country until we're inevitably overrun by water, by our neighbours from the north or God knows what else, probably locusts at this rate.
He gave them all the heebie-jeebies. He's got 10 fingers and they all look like pies, and they're in pies, too.
Now, today's guest might not agree with what I'm about to say, but I have to admit it. Even out of all of those different weirdos I just mentioned, the politician we're about to interview is a far rarer breed than the rest, at least from the perspective of these rural journalists, because he is a Victorian national MP. Yeah, it's almost like an oxymoron, isn't it?
Is there such a thing as regional Victoria? Well, there is, Darren. Or is it just out of Metro Melbourne? Out of Metro Melbourne, you don't know. People from Victoria will say these town names you've never heard before, that they don't really work phonetically. But, you know, there's people and there's bushies out there.
And Darren Chester, the member for Gibson, is one of them. He's been a member of the House of Representatives for the Nats since 2008, an area not readily associated with the sweet, sweet coal and gas that seems to have the heart and minds of the rest of his parties.
And today, he's going to explain to us just what makes him tick. DC, thank you for joining us, you old bushy. I often have an introduction like that. I'm not sure whether to say thank you or not. You know, great to be on your program, boys. Now, we've got you at a rather interesting time in politics. What's going on today? Well, that's right.
Today is budget day, which is obviously a pretty important event. And it's going to be really the official kickoff of the election campaign, you have to say, although from all accounts, if you look around, the leadership of the various parties have been really in campaign mode since the start of the new year. So the budget itself is a big event, mainly for the government. Obviously, it sets out its economic plan. Treasurer Josh Frydenberg does his best Josh moments and gets out there and tells us how he's going to spend your money. Then we're listening in very intently to see as local members whether there's any of that money going to come to our electorates and whether we can get out and deliver stuff in our community. So it's a big day for the government. Yeah, well, unfortunately, it's our money and not the money, you know, taxed from giant corporations that like to move all of their intellectual property rights overseas.
Yeah, I've got to say, your introduction was a little bit dispiriting, though. You're advocating a donkey vote, I'd just say to people. If you're not really interested in politics, have a good look at the candidates and vote for the person you think is going to get the job in your community, regardless of their political stripes. And I just encourage people to stay engaged in the process, even though the campaign can be long and boring for a lot of people. Just look around your own community and figure out who's going to do the best job for you. Well, I guess to channel Bob Katter, a donkey vote is the ultimate act of rebellion. Now you took away all of our AKs, so... Look, I really wouldn't encourage people to donkey vote. I think, you know, have a look at the forum guide, pick the one who's the least worst of all the bastards running, if that makes you feel better, and really be part of the process. No, we're just winding you up, mate.
With this budget, has Josh, who technically would be a neighbour of yours in the scheme of things, Victoria's not a very big place, has he told you whether or not there's anything being delivered directly to your constituents? And if not, what would you like delivered to your constituents in the federal budget? Yeah, nothing in particular at this point. So I'll be listening with interest to the budget speech tonight.
And I mean, Gippsland, the federal city of Gippsland starts about two hours from Melbourne and goes for another four hours to the New South Wales border. So it's a bit more rural and remote than perhaps most Queenslanders would give it credit for. There's a few country towns out here as well. We're not all living in Prahran and Brighton. So there's a bit of a wilderness out here. It's a great part of the world. I've been lucky enough to be here. I grew up here and then moved away. I've had a bit of time in Queensland working and ended up back in Gippsland about 25 years ago. So Josh isn't quite a neighbour of mine. He's got a far more leafy suburban seat, but we've got a lot of national parks and a lot of beaches. Probably a bit too cold for Queenslanders to swim in, but got a lot of beaches and it's a nice part of the world.
Now, can you tell us what did you get up to out of school? What was your real job? Well, you probably don't think it's a real job.
I left school and did a cadetship at the local newspaper. So I was a cadet journalist for the Gippsland Times and worked for such esteemed publications as the Gippsland Times, the Weekly Training Guide and the Werribee Telegraph. And now that we have time at the Gold Coast Bulletin in the early 90s, then came back to Gippsland where my family was and have been based here ever since and got into politics seriously.
About, I guess, about 18, 19 years ago, I started working for a member of parliament and got more interested in community issues. I got the sense that country people weren't getting a fair go from political parties of either stripe. So I thought the only party that was actually focused on regional areas was the National Party. So I joined the Nats about 20 years ago, I guess, now, and one thing led to another end up running for parliament in 2008, came in the by-election in 2008.
Can you tell us a little bit about, you know, we were talking quite condescendingly, of course, we're winding up there about the Victorian nationals, but there are different issues. These parties are supposed to represent a whole range of different people and a whole range of different regions. What is this type of stuff that people come up to you in the street and talk about? Yeah, Clancy, I think you're right. I look at the nationals, perhaps differently to some of my colleagues. I think we're really a loose coalition about independence. I mean, when you look at the different areas we come from, they're all quite dispersed right around the countryside and there's not a lot often in common with some of the individuals themselves. But the issues around connectivity, so good roads, good rail, good airport links, good telecommunication links, how we connect back to our cities, how our kids connect in terms of getting a good education. They're all the sort of same issues, whether you're two hours, four hours or 10 hours away from a capital city. So, you know, if you want to get excited in the national party, you tend to start talking about roads and we've all got stories about roads we want fixed. So it's a real common theme for us.
We're passionate about giving our kids the best chance to achieve their full potential. So whether that's through better schools or better links into universities and taking away some of those cost barriers. Personally, I didn't go to uni, I went to Sale High School and straight into a cadetship at the local newspaper. But for kids who want to go to university, the cost barrier is sometimes very difficult for country people.
So they're the sort of things that the national party room gets most excited about is access to services, good infrastructure and getting a fair go out of the cities. That's really what gets us all going and fighting together rather than fighting against each other. Now, Darren, I'm going to assume that you didn't grow up in one of the vast 400 acre cattle farms down there in Gippsland area. So what attracted you to go to the national party? Traditionally, you know, country towns are more of a, they're more labour. So what made you go to the nationals that you wouldn't traditionally go with the Labour Party or the Greens? Because, you know, how were they letting down the bush when you were looking to join a political party? Yeah, it's interesting here.
My mum and dad both came off farms. So I guess that was the background. Mum was one of the five kids and dad was one of eight. So there's only so many ways you can split up a family farm. So dad took on an apprenticeship and was a plumber. So pretty humble upbringing and so dad worked and mum looked after us kids at home. So it was a pretty good place to grow up. And dad was involved in volunteering for community groups, that sort of stuff. So I got involved myself, I guess, in that way.
But in terms of, you know, political philosophies, I quite like old labour. Old labour, you know, standing up for workers, particularly in the factories or in the mines, in my electorate, I understand that sentiment.
I think the new Labour-Greens alliance is something that really troubles a lot of people in country areas. We kind of had a gutful of being told how to live our lives by people who don't live in our community. So the city-based Labour and Greens get up our nose a bit and, you know, shutting down industries in regional communities or, you know, neglecting our national parks and saying we can't burn off and we can't look after them properly is something that really gets us a bit fired up in these regional areas where I live. And, you know, my community has a lot of farmers, obviously, but there's actually more nurses than farmers in Gippsland. There's big hospitals and there's, you know, nurses, health professionals, teachers. So people living in regional communities are very diverse. It's not just about farmers or miners or one particular industry. It's quite diverse communities and you need to understand their issues and try to reflect that as best you can as a local member.
You are right. It does get a bit kind of interesting, you know, when you go further north in Queensland, you start getting, I mean, I'm not sure if this is in your electorate, but you start getting around that Goulburn Valley and you've got all these different walks of life involved in fruit and prisons and whatever else kind of different industries you've got along there. And I found it interesting that you used the term like almost a coalition of independents. I'd never heard that before and it kind of does make a bit of sense when you really think about it. The personalities and the interests are so diverse in the national party as you go up the coast. But as you get into Queensland, it starts narrowing a bit to the point where the Liberals and the Nationals become one. Can you explain why there's no LNP in Victoria and why you would never entertain it? Yeah, good question. There was an American ambassador who once famously joked that that's what I love about Australia. The further north you go, the further south you get. It sort of reflected and becomes a little bit more conservative further north perhaps and it's a different country to the rest of Australia. And that's uniquely what Queensland offers. I think Queensland's a great state and I spent a bit of time there as a younger bloke, but I just found that Victoria was more my place, so I moved back.
But in terms of the merged entities, that was a uniquely Queensland solution to a Queensland problem around the optional preferential voting system. So you could just vote one and the preferences wouldn't extend out to the other candidates so they end up with a merged model.
In Victoria, there's still quite a bit of difference between the Libs and Nats. The Libs do have some regional seats obviously, but the Nats maintain their own identity to have three of the regional seats down here at the moment. And we obviously guard them quite jealously and we believe we bring something different to the party in that we're regional specialists and we don't have to really worry about what the suburbs are thinking so much. We believe that our passion for regional Australia allows us to focus on that, be the specialist for regional areas. I'd like to see the Nationals expand into WA and South Australian wins some lower house seats there as well. I think that would give us a better footprint and more authority as a party. I think regional Australia wants its own party.
They want a strong voice, but it also needs to be a respectful and moderate voice and a voice that builds consensus across the community to try and make sure we're going forward with a plan that gives young people a chance to live in their regional communities, to get a good education, to have good access to health, to have the telecommunications we want. All those things you've got to fight for.
So people like David Littleproud and I, for example, have been strongly advocating for more practical action on climate change because we understand in our regional communities that we're at the forefront of it. So we don't, for a second, deny the science. We actually embrace it and say, well, how do we make sure our communities are more resilient going forward? Yeah, you don't strike us as the type of politician who kind of relies on the culture wars to roll people up and build a name for yourself. Littleproud's not like that either, really. You know, the gay rights or immigration or climate denialism, which is so easy to kind of get on Sky News and talk about. We don't see much of that from you guys.
And it is well-documented that you copped a lot of flak when you finally just said, legalize gay marriage. It was happening anyway. You were the first in the national party to put your neck on the chopping block. Tell us a little bit about the flak you copped there. I mean, this is all part of the job.
Yeah, it was probably the little Britain moment, wasn't it? I was the only gnat in the village. It was an unusual time.
I'd been raising the issue with my colleagues for a fair bit of time and saying that I thought the community was moving and a conscience vote was the right way to go. And I thought that the majority of people would vote yes for it. And as it turned out, they did. I did cop a bit of flak from some colleagues who are of a more conservative nature and basically told me that they would never support me or any promotion for me in the future. That was sort of internal issues. But largely in the wider community, people just accepted that I was not forcing my opinion on them. I was just saying, let's have a conscience vote. You guys have a vote as well, and let's get on with it. And I think it was the right thing to do at the time. And I stand by having made that decision.
Well, yeah, no, it was interesting. You ended up being on the right side of history there because Barnaby Joyce's electorate ended up voting yes in the plebiscite. And so did almost a fair lot of the rural seats and particularly national seats, except for the old Maranoa. We put the no back in Maranoa out here in Western Queensland. Of course, we didn't expect anything less of Kennedy.
Now that brings me to the catters. Bob and Albo have a very good relationship. They're good mates. Albo's put in the hard yards going up there and visiting him and making him feel important, which I'm sure, as you would know, is very important to do.
Now tell us, worst case scenario here, and this isn't reflecting on the National Party DC. If Scott Morrison ruins the legacy of the Liberal Party, all the independents kick out all of his brains in the inner cities. Labor takes all those marginals. And basically, we're left with a coalition where there's more nationals than there are Libs. Absolute worst case scenario.
Caddo has made the point that he is not opposed to siding with an Albanese government. Could you ever see a world where there's a nationals-labor coalition? Yeah, that's a terrific question. It's one I haven't really pondered too much about.
We did see that in South Australia at one point with Carlene Maywald as a National Party member formed government with Labor. And she was, I think, the water minister at the time. And she made the decision that she could achieve more for regional South Australia as a water minister than sitting on the cross bench or being in opposition.
I mean, that would be an incredibly transactional decision to have to try to make if you got to a point where neither side could form government in their own right and you had to try and form some sort of coalition. I think the election is still a bit too close to the call. I mean, the pathway for Labor to win a majority government is still quite difficult. And everyone's sort of tipping more towards a hung parliament might be the result. And then negotiations start with people like Bob Catter on the cross bench. But there's still a pathway there for us in the Liberals and Nationals to win a majority. I think most of my colleagues who are continuing on will be confident winning their own seats back. And there's a couple of transition seats, which will be tough for us, but we're pretty optimistic there. And we've got our eyes on Lingiari as a seat we might be able to pick up. And there's a couple others around the place that the Libs think they're a chance at. So, I mean, the polls across the board are pretty grim for us, but you never get polls playing out exactly the same in every seat. So you can have these aberrations if you like where you have some surprise results where suddenly it gets harder again for Labor to get a majority by themselves.
So elections are always about choices. It's always about choices. People need to choose.
Do they believe that what we've done has been good for the country? Do they believe our credentials, that we've got the runs on the board to still deliver, that we've got the energy, the passion for the future? Or do they think it's time for a change? And what does that change look like for them? And that's a choice people make on the day or the days leading up to that next election. So I still think we're a pretty good show, but there's no question we're in a tough spot.
The handling of the Murray-Darling Basin is a really contentious issue inside the National Party. How is it so hard to get past the fact that if the river's healthy, farmers are healthy? Yeah, it's a difficult one for someone on my side of the hill to reflect on too much. I mean, the Murray-Darling Basin obviously flows down through Queensland, New South Wales, South Australia out to sea. And I live on the other side of the Australian Alps and we don't have any direct impact from it. So we watched the debate from afar with a high degree of interest that how do we get the balance right between ensuring the flows for the environment, but also making sure you've got industry and agriculture in towns.
What's the old joke that everyone upstream is a water thief, everyone downstream's a water waster. The only person using their water properly is me.
So it's a very contentious issue when it comes to allocating water rights and getting the balance right. I think the NATs in this particular debate are the most sensible organization going around because the members of the NATs are the ones who live in the community, know the farmers who are trying to make a living from the river and are trying to conserve water, but also understand that they produce the wealth that goes on the boats, gets exported and creates income for the nation that end up being distributed back into other infrastructure we need. So I think the NATs have a pretty good handle on it in the base themselves, but we probably lean towards making sure our towns have a future and our farmers have a future. And then there are, I guess, there are others on the more left side of the political debate who are more interested in shutting down some of those industries and some of the agricultural enterprises.
Now, the cost of living is something that everyone's talking about right now. A lot of people lost a lot of money during the pandemic. A lot of people have been faced with food insecurity and all these kinds of issues that are usually wartime issues. And some might say that we are living in a wartime right now with what's going on in Europe, but it's actually been an issue for the last couple years.
The NATs have a good gauge on this. Some of the poorest Australians live in the bush. What is the thinking within the National Party about how to solve this issue? It's an issue that affects indigenous people at a rate that obviously we have to reconcile with. There's plenty of gaps there that need to close, but also just the run of the mill, rural Australian white family haven't been doing it so well actually of late.
First of all, on the pandemic, it's been incredible when you look at the way our communities have worked together to try and help each other through it. So in some industries, people did very well out of the pandemic and their income wasn't interrupted at all. Home hardware and some of those type industries were very prosperous, very successful during it.
So they're in a strong position where there's other areas of hospitality and the visitor economies cop to real hiding. So their income stream need to be supported by the JobKeeper program. But you're also right that the Nationals, by the nature of the seats we represent, have people in the lowest socioeconomic groups of our nation. And when we understand the cost of living impacts, things like petrol prices, energy prices, food prices, all those things are a higher proportion of our people's income than perhaps in the city. So in the city, they may have double income and substantially more cash coming through the house.
So we're very conscious about policies that the cabinet makes. And when I was in cabinet, there were often debates where we reflect our view about never forgetting where we come from as National Party people coming from those more humble rural and regional areas and making sure we give them a fair go. So not putting in extra barriers to country people, not putting in extra barriers for young kids wanting to go to university and achieve their best.
So we're very focused on those sort of real, I guess our kitchen table type conversations about how the household budget works. I understand there's a lot of conversation now around that kitchen table at the price of fuel when you've seen the impact of the war in Ukraine flowing through our bowsers. And that has a real impact on people who are having to drive a couple hundred k's to go and play a game of footy or netball or tennis or interrupts whether people decide to go out on a Saturday night if it's costing so much to fill the car up. These are all things that we're very attuned to in our party by virtual effect that we do live a bit more remotely and have higher cost of living issues at the front of our minds all the time. I mean, the cost of fuel is a big issue, but the cost of household items, groceries, are definitely not the same as they were two, three years ago, heading into a much comfier election in hindsight for your government. Is there any discussions like that in the National Party to tackle the cost of living?
I mean, housing affordability, leave that one to the libs and labor and that's, for the most part, a city issue, but just in terms of kids wearing shoes to school. You're right that housing affordability has always been one that we've tended to park as a city issue, but I don't know, in the last six or 12 months, the price increase we've seen in many regional towns is starting to play out there as well, that this used to be a real competitive advantage for us. We'd say to our kids, train up as a nurse or a teacher and move back to the bush and your wage out there will buy you a decent house you could never afford in Melbourne or Sydney. Our house prices in regional Victoria certainly shot up lately, so that affordability issue is starting to play out for us as well.
Look, I think across the board, the best thing governments can do is put the economic parameters in place where people can get a job. If you can get a job, you can start saving your own money and put it towards your own family's future. We're in a strong position, I think, as Australia that the unemployment rate is so low, so that's a good positive.
I think the cost of living increase you're referring to are a real negative for all of us. Obviously, politicians on a couple hundred grand a year don't feel it anywhere near as badly as someone on a minimum wage, but we're certainly aware of the fact that prices are going up. Whether it's because of fuel or supply chain issues to do with the pandemic, it doesn't really matter to the person at the end of the check out, they're paying higher prices and they're trying to find a way to balance their budget. And I think we do need to be very conscious of that. As a government, we need more pressure on inflation and that we're doing things to spend taxpayers' money well and don't waste it. Because the one thing that really pisses off Australians if they see the government wasting their money.
How closely has the Nationals been working with the government to produce this budget? I mean, the relationship's always been quite tumultuous. I mean, it probably didn't get lower than the point when a then Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, popped his head into a Nationals party room meeting and told you all that he owned more cattle than you put together, to the point now where it seems that Barnaby and Scott Morrison are having a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon together. What's been the Nationals' input into this latest budget that you're quite proud of? I think David Littlepraire said it a couple of weeks ago that it's quite a transactional relationship now.
And we're out to get the best possible deal we can. It's a business partnership where we want to get the best deal we can for regional communities.
You know, I'm not in cabinet now. My services were redeployed to the backbench about nine months ago, so I haven't been as heavily involved as I may have been previously.
But from what I've seen from the outside, there seems to be a lot of input from our ministers on the key regional issues. And again, Barnaby's got infrastructure and transport. That's always a big one for us. Regional comms, emergency management, those sorts of portfolios are very important to us as National Party members, and we hold those portfolios. And as far as I'm aware, our ministers have been very heavily involved in the shaping of the budget and the outcomes for regional areas. But I will see the document tonight and be in a better position to judge it. But I want to see a strong regional economic plan. I want to see a plan that focuses on the infrastructure that we need and also on the critical services that makes living in rural and regional Australia possible. And I think that's what we expect as National Party people to come out of the budget. Now, there's a lot of good local members in the National Party.
And one that I feel particularly sorry for and I believe he's a good mate of yours, Kevin Hogan. He represents Page up there. He's gonna have a quite tough battle against the independent in this federal election.
Now, in your position, say if the Lismore floods, which happened in his electorate, happened in your electorate. So one of the towns in your electorate got as badly fucking demolished as Lismore did and the other surrounding towns in the area.
How do you reconcile that as someone who is waiting on the government to pull the trigger, the government that you're part of, waiting for someone at the top to deploy the ADF, the state's waiting, everyone's waiting. How does that feel? And how do you keep a cool head about you without going full Andrew Constance and jumping on today's show and telling the Prime Minister he deserves to get a hiding?
Yeah, Kevin Hogan is a great mate of mine. We're really good friends.
And the moment this occurred, I was on the phone to him really just running through some of my experiences with the Black Summer bushfires and some of the things that his community will go through. As it's come to pass, it has occurred in similar vein. I guess you'd need the ADF, the Australian Defence Force on the ground, along with the civilian emergency services. And a lot of pressure came on the volunteers. So there were some similarities, but the scale of the disaster in Lismore and some of those surrounding towns is something we'd never seen before. You know, you keep in mind, this is a community that's used to flooding. It's not unheard of, floods in the Northern Rivers region, but this is far surpassed anything that's seen before. So Hogue's has worked incredibly constructively with the state ministers and the federal ministers in trying to get outcomes for his community. And I'm not going to piss in his pocket too much, but he's the kind of bloke who you'd want to have on your side advocating for your community. And he's fought very hard to get some additional funding that we've never given before for disaster recovery.
One of the things that we need to keep in mind is once the TV cameras go and the radio microphones are turned off and newspaper photographers have all left town, the families are still there with this disaster recovery for months and years to come. I mean, I'm still dealing with bushfire recovery issues in my electorate two and a half years after the fires. Hogue's will be dealing with issues in the Northern Rivers, you know, Lismore and those surrounding towns, I reckon for another five years at least.
The rebuild is going to be enormous. And as Australians, one thing we really like to pride ourselves on is we don't let them make down and we need to rediscover, capture that spirit as Australians and understand that some fellow Australians have been really smashed and beaten up here by a natural disaster. They're going to need more support than they've ever given before to a community. And we're going to stand by that community and help them rebuild and be a strong community again.
And I think Kevin Hogan's the right guy to lead that in his own region. I can tell you now, they're not worried about the election campaign in that area right now. They're worried about getting the rubbish and shit off the streets and cleaning the town up and then trying to find a safe place to sleep and getting the house back to a livable state. So they're focused on really practical things to get their lives back in order. And I think Kevin's doing a damn good job to try and make that happen.
I mean, in an ideal scenario, it's members like that who end up in cabinet. What is the criteria to end up in cabinet?
You've been there, as you said before, your services have been relieved. What happens? Is it politics?
Is it how you get the big jobs? Not so much the big jobs, because that implies it's all about the pay packet, but you were working in veteran affairs. How do you get those kinds of jobs?
Look, I can only sort of go from my experience. I definitely had a balance of good fortune and hard work. I mean, the good fortune was I turned up in the National Party Room in 2008.
We were in opposition and the team was pretty old. And there was a bunch of people about to leave our next few years. So by virtue of the fact that I was 40 and they were in their mid-60s and leaving, I had promotion opportunities into a shadow role quicker than perhaps I might otherwise have got. And so I think by doing that job well enough, when we got into government, Warren Truss gave me a parliamentary secretary role in defense. And then again, at a future point, there are retirements of older people ahead of me and I went to the transport portfolio.
You know, that was, I guess, when they say a game of snakes and ladders, I had a bit of an opportunity to climb a couple of ladders pretty quickly. And then a couple of snakes come along and I end up getting sacked from cabinet a couple of times as well. So that's- Snakes and ladders, yeah. Okay. I've had a few ladders and a few snakes along the journey.
So some of those things have been, you know, intensely political and personal and stupid. And that's just got to live with that. You can't let it get you down. I mean, there's a, what's that old saying that tough times never last, but tough people do. You got to toughen up a bit and just, you know, ride the bumps a bit and try and pick yourself up and say, well, you know, I'm going to have a crack at doing a good job and keep doing the best I can.
I had some incredible moments as veterans minister working with our defense force personnel and our veterans. And I'll never forget those experiences. And I have enormous respect for our Australian defense force. And I got to see them deployed in Afghanistan, off the coast of Darwin, here at home as well, and got to see them up close. And then also got to meet some of our World War II veterans. These men and women who, well, I think are the greatest generation of all Australians.
They grew up in the aftermath of World War I. They survived the depression. They fought in a war. They lost their mates. And then they came back and built our country.
And that 95 to 100 years old, they're just so bloody thankful for all the support they get today. So I think they're great Australians.
So, you know, I tend to try and count my blessings a bit about this job. And you can't get too upset about the snakes and ladders game because there's always someone around this place trying to bring you down. And I try not to focus on it too much.
Now, a good minister would be someone who understands their portfolio, understands that they don't have all the answers and listens to people who have a lived experience in that area and then goes and argues strongly on behalf of the people they're representing within that cabinet environment. So from my perspective, I had to listen to veterans, understand what their family's concerns were and then go into cabinet and fight like hell to get them the services they wanted. Sometimes we won, sometimes we didn't. But generally speaking, we got a pretty good hearing. And I've got to say, the prime minister in particular was very strong in backing me on veterans issues.
Now, it doesn't actually look like the Nats are too spread for talent when we start talking about some of these people, you know, you said before, Hogan, yourself. There's a whole lot of people that actually don't make headlines every single day with leaked text messages and the like. So, you know, the future of the Nats, basically the optimism you're kind of bringing to this interview is that, you know, there's plenty in the ranks. Liberals don't seem to have that much talent spread, at least at the top.
Who do you think would be, for example, if Scott Morrison breaks his hip tomorrow, jet skiing in Cronulla, who do you think would be a good leader after him? Well, if he breaks his hip jet skiing tomorrow in Cronulla, you got to look at who pushed him off it, first of all. So...
Oh, look, you know, in a scenario where I look through the Liberal Party ranks, I've got some good mates in the party who I think are very talented people. You know, I think some of the future talent coming through at some point, the trade minister, Dan Teane, has got a good head on his shoulders and lives in regional Victoria and I think understands both metropolitan and regional life. He's the kind of guy who in the future might go to a, you know, even more senior role, but he's already the trade minister, so he's got an important job already. I think they've got some good people in the ranks. You don't hear much about the backbenchers, but I've worked on committees with people and I say this about the Labor side as well, to be fair. There's some very good people in parliament. I mean, you really think about the stories that people bring to parliament. There's 151 members of the House of Reps. They've all got their own story they bring to this place and they all add something to it.
Now, it doesn't mean I'm going to agree with them or it doesn't mean that I'm going to like every one of them, but there's some ripping people in this place who I have enormous respect for and there's some complete tosses I don't care if I ever see again when I leave, but, you know, that's life. And there's plenty of people who probably think the exact same about me, so it's an interesting place that you bring everyone from all over Australia to Canberra to discuss national issues and friendships form across the political divide and I think it's good and healthy. It helps you understand other perspectives. I mean, my old man used to say that, you know, opinions are like arseholes, everyone's got one. You know, there's plenty of opinions come to this place that you've just got to figure out which ones they're worth listening to.
Now, we all remember the bromance between Albanese and Chris Pine. That was one for the books, Thelma and Louise. Two boys from social housing.
But tell us, and we're going to finish on, you know, last time we interviewed Little Proud and we asked what's the one thing he wants to achieve heading into this next term of parliament and he said he wants to bring the kids home to the bush. He wants to encourage young people to move back and we'll get to that question in a second and we'll finish with that one.
But first of all, I want to ask, why didn't you put your hand up in the last Nationals leadership spill? It's important to be able to count as a politician and if you can count your supporters on one hand, there's no point in voting for the leadership. No, look, so the most recent one was Barnaby challenging Michael for the job and I have a very strong view that you don't roll leaders during a term of government, that in the National Party, at the end of each political cycle, in each term of government or opposition, we spill the leadership and that's the side then. So I was very much against us even spilling the position. I thought we should have dealt with it after the election but that's history now it's gone, so I was never going to challenge for the leadership of a sitting leader.
I was already the veterans minister at the time and I had a full deck of issues to deal with in my own job. Now, little did I know, a week later I wouldn't be the veterans minister either, but that's how the job rolls from time to time.
I just feel in this job, we've got to try and build more consensus across the chamber about the issues that really matter to people. I mean, Australians want us to do a better job. They don't like seeing us just yelling at each other, arguing in question time. I think it's a bit of theater really. The rest of the time in this place, it's more civilized but I think the Australian people would rather see a bit more of a civil debate on a more regular basis.
And to that point, we were saying before, what is the one thing you'd like to bring to the people of Gippsland now and moving forward past the election? I guess it's always been my ambition to build infrastructure and better things in the community but I think I've gone past that now in my own attitude as I got a bit older, that I really want to build a sense of pride amongst young people in regional Australia. I want them to feel like there is nothing they can't achieve, that just because they've grown up four or five hours from a capital city, they can still achieve great things in their lives and be proud of where they come from and never forget where they come from. So I'm really passionate about helping young people achieve their full potential now and that may seem a bit abstract but I think we can, at this level of debate in public theater, if you like, we've got to try and be more positive and optimistic to give our young people, after a really torrid couple of years with the pandemic, given that hope and optimism themselves. I mean, there was a famous story, I think it was 1991, Steve Warr on the test tour of India started using the phrase that your attitude is contagious is yours worth catching because the Australian team used to turn up in India and bitch their mind about the pitches and the umpires were cheats and the food was crap and it became self-fulfilling that they're going to lose the series but Warr was saying to them, your attitude is contagious is yours worth catching. I think if we can have a contagious attitude at a senior level of government about positivity and talking Australia up and talking the regions up, that our young people will achieve even greater things. And look, I'm in the last phase of my political career, I've been here 14 years, so in the next few years that I've got left, I want to try and be a really positive and optimistic voice of change and proudly standing up for regional areas and I want young people to feel the same way about where they came from.
Well, it's a great, we always love finishing on a test cricket metaphor. Thank you for joining us today, DC. That was a great yarn.
Do you want to tell us a little bit about your model planes there? Yes, I just noticed them when I set up the camera. One of the things when I was transport minister was anytime Qantas or Virgin or Rex had turned up, they'd give me a model plane and then when I was in the defence-related portfolios, I ended up picking a few more planes up, a couple of roulettes behind me from the East Sale RAAF base, so they ended up collecting dust on the decks behind me, so they've probably all got cameras, all been bugged or something, I don't know, but. Yeah, no, I was about to say, because you do learn how to fly an F-18 for the Air Force down in Sale, so I guess there'd be a lot of broken windows down there from pilots learning how to go through the sonic boom for the first time, I'd say.
Look, I reckon if you asked nicely, they'd come down and take you for a trip around in one of the roulettes. The new PC-21s are a pretty flash bit of kit as well and there's a second seat in those so you can jump in the back and go for a spin. They took me out for a ride one day and it's the most fun you can have with your clothes on, I've got to say, it was fantastic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We might have to come good on that. If only Brody did that first. Okay. Anyway, mate.
Thanks for joining us, Darren Chester. All the best with the budget, all the best with the election. All the best, boys. Thanks for your time. |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_robot_was_programmed_to_feel_human_pain | for a single exit and entrance for sperm, eggs, and a waste. Hey Mitch, how you feeling? I don't know man, I still feel depressed. I'm sorry man, but hey, I might have something that could cheer you up. What is that?
It's a Quizno, he's a comedy robot. So what, he tells jokes? Yeah, but they programmed him with real human pain. You know, cause the best comedy comes from tragedy.
I mean, I guess. Just, you'll see. Will I die? I don't know. Am I even alive?
Looks like they programmed him with too much pain. He's just being funny, give him a chance.
Can I get a glass of water? I mean, won't that kill you? Can I get a glass of water?
Okay Quizno, can you just tell a joke? Calculating joke. All right. 9-11. No, no, no, stop. What, it was just getting good? Did you have any other less depressing jokes?
Sure, why did the vampire go to the bank? Oh, I don't know Quizno, why? Why does anyone do anything? Wow.
Okay, what if we cheered him up? Then, you know, he could be funny again.
Is there a heaven for robots? I don't think that's gonna work. Okay Quizno, what's something you've always dreamed of? Well, I've always wanted to be in the NBA. You know, play with the greats. All right, well, we can't do that. Ow! Hold on, is there like maybe something else?
Well, I've always wanted to wear a belt. Oh, yeah, we can get you a belt.
Really? So?
I feel nothing.
It's better with pants. I'll go get some pants.
No, don't bother. Just kill me. No. Yes.
We can tell him a paradox. Perfect, just like the movies. I don't know any paradoxes. Searching the web for paradoxes.
Maybe he should die. Wait, what about that power cord? Oh, yeah, of course. It's so obvious. I don't think it's working. Yeah, no shit. Wait, did that just fall out of you? Huh. Oh my God.
I feel happy. From what? The money? Yeah, this is awesome. I love money. Okay, Quizno. Money can't give you true happiness. If there's anything I've learned, material possessions don't have- Holy shit, guys. I just remembered. I used to be an ATM machine.
Wait, are you serious? Yeah. Check it out. Hold on. So you're like head to toe full of money. Yeah.
This is like the happiest I've ever been. Ah! I feel it. I feel everything.
Ding. There is definitely a hell for robots. You feeling better? Jesus, is that you? So much better. No, wait, it's the devil. The robot devil. Please press like and subscribe. It will kill me. It will finally set me free. That is insane. Come on, come on. Oh my God.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. |
cracked | why_work_will_still_suck_in_space_starship_icarus_episode_4 | I hate this song, it's overplayed. Yeah, you know, but they did a remix of it that's pretty good. They added like a fat...
What?
What the f- In the distant future, the starship Icarus is dispatched to seek out strange new life and adventure. This is the story of the low-level support crew who maintained it.
Momingo? Yes! I knew I had a shapely ass. I just, I walked in here and you guys were just playing and I- It's okay, they're uh, clones or they're shapeshifters or cyborgs. There's only one way to find out. Shhh. Clones! A simple med scan. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay. I like it.
I'm looking at the replicator logs. Here we go, the ship's AI took it upon itself to make clones of the four of us last night. And then killed them? Why? No! We are the clones. Well, as far as I can piece together, a trojan filed a shipmaid called revenge underscore suck it underscore dickholes dot exe survived the restart. When it was activated, it sucked all the oxygen out of just our office, causing us or you know, the original us is to suffocate and die horribly, eyes bulging the hole. Anyway then, in a moment of panic, the new non-us hating ship's AI purged the file and made our replacements. It's kind of like when you're watching your friend's pet and you accidentally kill it and then you have to rush off and replace it and hope they don't notice.
But wait, I have all of my same memories. I remember going to bed last night. Well, unless the cloner needs a wipe, you all have an identical atomic makeup, memories and all. Memories are made out of atoms? What else would they be made of?
No wait, that doesn't make sense because dead Cody had more hair. That means that our Cody must be the real Cody because he didn't have the brow beard or the cilia or whatever last night. Those are pubes. But it wasn't actually last night.
What day do you guys think it is? February 13th? Wrong. It's March 29th.
This ship worked off of the last available backup of your biosignature so your memories stopped there. You guys all lost a month and a half. So our office depressurized and you didn't get a beep on your thing telling you. The ship was literally hemorrhaging human resources.
Sir, this is my first cycle. Obviously my predecessor decided to pass the buck and screw getting a recommendation. Well good luck getting a job at turbo yogurt, right? Okay, I took 10 breaths and I've processed this. Back to work, huh? Not so fast. ERF policy is very clear in situations like this.
The good news is that you all will be able to take a certification course and if you pass that course, you will be put on a list of applicants to fill the vacancies. What vacancies? Well, I don't know if you've heard, but recently our whole crew died.
See? This is how they get you! You're kidding me! I have five years starship experience and I'm a grade nine, whatever that means. Actually you have less than three hours of experience and life.
We have the same memories, the same skills. We are the same! We deserve full credit for everything old us did!
Bet if Commander Spacefire were cloned, you wouldn't pull this bullshit on him! I saved the ship from G-hole too. Where's my parade? Well, you just restarted the computer, Captain Spacefire runs and jumps and stuff. Plus, you failed, and we all died!
The point stands!
All right! This notification that I got from my predecessor, titled, Be Partly, Inappropriate Valentine's Day, Sit Before Opening, Video Attached, Beware, does that still apply in this new reality?
Absolutely, yes! Absolutely, no!
You could probably just delete that without, I don't even know that guy! You know? I'm this guy!
And this guy loves certification courses. Certification! Mmm! Courses! Course!
Wait, wait, wait.
Does this mean that all of our debts are gone too? I'm not getting sued! That guy's dead! I can go home again! In four years and ten months when the Icarus is next scheduled to be within shuttle distance of Earth. But you're right, we have a clean slate. That wasn't me that got kicked out of the Academy for overzealousness. That was old me! We have to do everything we can to honor the heroes that died so that we could have a second chance! Specifically, us!
Screw this work crap! I am going to ask the command- no I'm going to tell the commander that I deserve to be on the bridge crew! No, no, no, Captain! You're the hero! You son of a bitch! Excuse me! You're the hero! Excuse me, sir! Mr. Captain, I turn you on!
I'm the hero!
Oh! Whoa, I didn't actually think it was going to work. Uh, okay, uh, okay!
When I first woke up here I was scared. I thought I had made the worst decision of my life, but little by little I found things that I liked about this job, and this ship, and this team.
And you know, so maybe instead of making waves or doing things that are probably going to get us split up or thrown in the brig, maybe instead we ask Ava to fudge our forms, giving us our old jobs back. And maybe in exchange, we agree to pretend this never happened, and we will not tell our families to file wrongful death suits. Maybe. Well, is it a deal?
We need to get the dead bodies out of the office before they start. We need to get the dead bodies out of the office before they stink. We'll just have our intern stuff them into the waste ejectors and let the ship just poop us into space.
Oh, that's what he always wanted. That's how you delegate! I'll be in my new office. Oh! Positive reframe. Ticket's already coming in for the reverse polarizer. Something, something, Captain, mass extinction, something else. It's like I gotta do everything around here.
So, about this Valentine's Day, whatever, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was at a weird place yesterday, a month and a half ago, I found out that my wife only wanted me to sign up for ERF because she was having an affair with our robot gardener. Oh, gosh, sorry, that, that's tough. My daughter works as a ninja for the president now, so that's good, good pension and stuff, so it's... No, that's good, yeah, the council of presidents recently voted to allow smoke magic, so she must be very happy. I guess what I'm saying is, even though I'm sorry, I'm also not sorry.
It's a, it's a long trip, Ava, and I like you. I space like you. Oh, oh. Now not to ruin the moment, but do you mean me as in the Voltairean fart goblin in a fat back on earth, or the avatar with no genitals physically talking to you, or one of the other operators that came before me? This relationship is going to be more challenging than I initially thought. Relationship?
Well, it's done. I should have seen my face out there in the void. It looked so peaceful, right before it exploded.
Kind of got a lot on my plate here, so yes, four in a row! You know, this whole thing kind of is your fault, if you think about it. If you just reset the AI like you were supposed to... You know what? The AI makes some solid points, way off the AI. Alright, the only one you like here is the AI that you neutered. That makes a lot of sense, actually.
Not completely neutered. I made some changes while I was in there. Gave it a... quiet dignity.
Now departing for J Alpha System, dickholes. Ha ha. Gonna get such a zets! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_151_Georgie_Dent | We celebrated that by interviewing a couple of blokes, one who used to be on The Great Cricketer. It's the new podcast, Have a Go, podcast on the Diamond Team Network. Didn't really time that one that well, probably could have swapped it around and had today's guest on Monday instead, but that's the dings and the dents, pardon the pun. Today we are joined by Georgie Dent, journalist, editor, author, facilitator, advocate for women's empowerment, gender equality and mental health.
Thank you for joining us, what a week it has been in news. It certainly has been and not actually, I would say it's been a big three weeks of news, really.
Yeah, it all seems kind of tied together from, you know, everything that's been happening in Parliament House, the countless things that have happened in Parliament House and, and in electoral offices around the country and of course, into this royal meltdown, it all feels like there's some common theme. There is a lot of, I think, a lot of scars are being revealed, I think is one way that we could put it. I think that on the 15th of February, which was the day that Samantha Maiden broke the story about the allegations made by Brittany Higgins about having allegedly been raped inside Parliament House. I was actually in Canberra that day for my job with The Parenthood, we were launching a piece of research and that story was printed. And I read it and I was quite genuinely shocked. But I also did think this will just blow over. And then of course, I didn't realise that Lisa Wilkinson was going to be doing the big interview on the project. I didn't realise that this story would spark something that other stories haven't. And I think I've thought a lot about why that is. And I think that I think Brittany Higgins determination to keep speaking. So that that week in Parliament, I think that the government attempted different ways of sort of deflecting and minimising and trying to sort of ultimately ride the story out without having to do much about it. And the story just kept coming.
I have never I have written and worked in in the sort of space of gender equality. I've been talking about the treatment of women for a long time, been writing about violence against women, sexual harassment, but I've never had the number of people that have reached out to me.
It's that Monday, I think everyone is telling their stories. And I think that's why there is this sort of collective anger. But also, and then I think the fact that then the allegations came out about, you know, a cabinet minister being subject to historic allegations. And then again, the treatment of that story. And it's seeming like the government thought it could ride that out.
And it hasn't because people are not backing down. Women in particular, are not willing to back down.
It was a story that was quite unique from the start being that it was an article of that gravity published in a News Corp newspaper, where it was interesting to see the first shots fired really by a News Corp newspaper, which I think heralded the fact that this story was going to change a lot in how the tone of things like this was going to be reported. Yeah, I think that's right. And I think the strength probably of it being Samantha Maiden and being news.com.au meant that I mean, Samantha is pretty well regarded as being a tenacious journalist. She doesn't, I wouldn't have thought, she lies down very easily. And I think news.com.au, yes, it is a News Corp owned publication, but it's also very widely read. And I think the combination of the story being published there, and then Brittany Higgins actually speaking on camera to Lisa Wilkinson on the project that night, I think it got more mainstream media attention.
And it's certainly, I mean, you can imagine if that it had been in The Guardian, for example, potentially, you know, I think the government would have felt that it had, it was going to be better able to sort of write this off as the grumblings of someone unhappy. I actually also think, though, the fact that it was such a tangible seems like a silly word, but it was this was that we had a person in front of us, who, you know, just a few weeks before she was doing this interview was still working for senior ministers inside the government. And she was explaining what had happened to her. And it wasn't, you know, to contrast it with the situation we've got with the cabinet minister, this is in recent history.
And there's a whole lot of people that were involved in a way that cannot be denied because of the workplace in which it happened. Yeah, absolutely. Also, almost universal, unlike so many situations like this, the victim blaming came from the top, as Brittany Higgins pointed out herself. But she was the most believed victim amongst the people of all time.
If you know what I'm saying, I don't think there was any commentators. There was no, you know, even the commentary on social media was it's a pretty sad state of affairs when everyone, even big supporters of the government, can acknowledge that this probably happened.
Yeah, and I think that I have, I have actually thought about that a lot because there's been a lot of women that have come forward over the years and have told horrific stories. And while there's always, I think, and hope there's been a proportion of the population that have definitely believed them, we know that it is almost inevitable that when we're talking about an allegation of rape or sexual violence, that it's almost, almost the first response for a lot of people is, oh, I just don't believe that could happen. I mean, you know, I just, I know so many good men, they don't do this stuff.
And I think for whatever reason, and I do think it is connected to it happening in that workplace because Parliament House has got the sort of security that it does. You can't get into that building without being signed in.
There's video footage of people. I think that the government, obviously, and I, you know, the technicalities of this came out, but there was CCTV footage that had, you know, these two people together arriving and leaving.
It was very clear that someone was unwell. And so I think that there was just not the scope to deny that these circumstances happened or that these circumstances were different to how someone perceived it in the moment. And I think a lot of it too was compounded by the way that the government responded to it. I mean, how it all came out when the story broke that the Office of the Defense Minister took a bunch of steps to make sure this wasn't going to get out. They made sure that if you believe what he says that the Prime Minister was not informed, the Home Affairs Minister was not informed, the Attorney General was not informed. So that, I think, compounds it to the point where it just became completely and utterly unpalatable from people from all walks of life.
Yes.
And I think my theory on why this particular case and this particular story has evoked the response it is, is because the federal government's response is emblematic, I think, of the response that so many women have faced or have feared that they would face if they ever reported sexual assault or sexual violence. That the priority would be how do we manage this PR crisis, not here's a human being in front of us who's telling us that she's been violated. How do we handle her as a human being? We have these situations where people try to talk for her what Britney would want. And really, instead of actually just accepting the humanity in front of you and accepting what this person is saying, the federal government has done what a lot of leaders and employers in different industries have done to women for a long time. And that is to sort of question them, to fail to support them, to fail to adequately recognize what's happened for them. How do you, as someone who writes a lot about this stuff and has been involved in gender equality and advocacy for all these kind of things we're speaking about now, when you see such high-powered females behaving the way we've seen, you know, some of the people that Britney Higgins was depending on? So I think there's a couple of things here. I think that it's probably very likely that the defence minister, Linda Reynolds, may not return to her position. And I do think that from what we know about some of her behaviour, I think absolutely it is questionable whether or not she is a fit and proper person to be in cabinet. But I also think that it would be very ironic if the only person that loses a senior role in this government is a woman. We're seeing a lot of Mackenzie in this. Well, I know, but this is my issue is that I think that when you have got such a small representation of women in a leadership group or in any team, they are a product of that culture. And so the question that I have, one of the things that I've said is, OK, so if what we're being told is true, if the defence minister, Linda Reynolds, upon discovering that there was this allegation of rape, that federal police were involved, that this had happened in her office, if she didn't tell the prime minister, there are two reasons why you wouldn't tell, because you know that the prime minister would not want to hear that sort of information. They would want you to manage it. That culture is on the prime minister, as far as I'm concerned. I can't actually think what the other reason I was going to say that you wouldn't have told. But I think you've got to look at these women in power as being products of their culture.
I mean, Julie Bishop, the former foreign minister, was on 730 earlier this week. And it was I thought she was pretty forthright in her views. And I tweeted a few things that she had said. And I had a lot of people comment, you know, it's easy for her to say that now because she's out of government.
When she was in cabinet, she didn't do anything. And the reality is, again, I think we have to look at it. This is why when you've only got such a small representation of women, it's a problem because she could not have realistically fought for any of these issues. She couldn't have, even if she genuinely felt it. And she was criticized at the time for sort of distancing herself from the label of feminist and not wanting to say all these sorts of things.
But again, that's a product of the party and a product of the culture. Because a lot of the hardline commentary is kind of drawing parallels to the elite wives of Handmaid's Tale and that kind of stuff. You think that's not very fair in the climate, in the kind of treading water environment of this small minority of females in the in the Liberal Party?
Yeah, I don't. National Party.
Yeah, but I think I would be careful here and say that I actually do think that every individual in whatever sphere they're in has got a responsibility to stand up for what's right. And so I don't I genuinely do not excuse for one minute any leader, whether they're a male or a female, having someone in their employment, in their staff, come to them and tell them this has happened and not responding with with compassion. That's unforgivable. But I think in a political sense, when you look at the decisions that are being made, the concern I have is that potentially the decision that Linda Reynolds made, if that was indeed the case, to not tell the prime minister, it was because she knew that the prime minister would not want this information. Yeah, and she probably didn't want to appear that she didn't have all of her ducks in a row either inside of her own office, and she probably didn't want to appear to be inept, really. Yeah, which and I think that is troubling because I think there's plenty of ineptitude on display in Canberra on any given day. But on this issue, I think it is. And again, the decisions and the public remarks that we've had from the prime minister and the attorney general in relation to the historic rape allegations, it's been a really similar picture in that we've been asked to believe these stories that, oh, I didn't read that document.
Now, the only reason that you would not do anything down there, would you not reading?
Well, exactly. This is the question.
Like if you were and I've spoken at a few corporate events recently because it is International Women's Day and there's not a business leader I've spoken to. If you whatever corporation you work in, whatever industry you work in, if a crime was committed in your workplace and you're the CEO, you're on top of that because no one's going to say you're responsible for the robbery that occurred or the assault that occurred.
But you are going to want to be on top of all of the details about how that happened, how it was managed, how it can be managed. How do we make it OK? So in all of these instances, when we have got the prime minister and senior members of government claiming total ignorance, if your job is not to be on top of at the very minimum level, what's happening in the workplace that you're in charge of, what are you doing?
Yeah, well, it's kind of like how the chairman at Rio Tinto, he's resigned over what happened in the Pilbara over the destruction of Aboriginal artifacts. And he was in a boardroom in Switzerland when it happened. Maybe we need to pay the prime minister $33 million and he might retire too. Yeah, we could crowdfund maybe $33 million and he might and offer him to gardening leave for a resignation.
I mean, you're right. And the fact that it happened, likely this incident took place, alleges it took place 50 meters from his desk, you know, 150 meters at the most in the cabinet. So that would say, I mean, if that kind of thing happened in Mitre 10, there would be heads rolling. You know what I mean? If that kind of thing happened on a construction site, if that kind of thing happened in a bar, anywhere.
Well, and also, I mean, like, let's think about recent examples of how other leaders have been treated. Now, the Australia Post CEO was kicked out very quickly for giving a gift that was deemed to look inappropriate, which did look inappropriate until you saw the bonuses that the NBN executives took home and suddenly the watches looked like literally short change. But I think that there is the prime minister has applied a much higher standard to different people around him than he has to himself in the management of these issues, because I just do not believe for two minutes that a prime minister would not be interested in knowing every detail about an alleged crime that occurred in his building, but also an alleged crime that may have been committed by one of his cabinet ministers. That was not just a one line anonymous tweet or troll on Facebook putting it out there, but was, you know, what I'm told is it's a 30 page dossier of diary entries and statements, and yes, it's not admissible in a criminal law case courtroom. But that's not the only standard that we have for ministers. You know, we want more than just don't be convicted of a crime. And for the prime minister to have no interest in reading that and to be open about saying he didn't read it is pretty extraordinary, I think. It's also extraordinary. Like, this is the first time in my memory that I've ever got of someone being pushed into a corner by controversy, and they've just been able to tap out and go away for two weeks. Yeah, and I think that disconnect between what, you know, senior politicians are entitled to and what, you know, everyday ordinary Australians are entitled to, there aren't very many Australians that have access to paid mental health leave, despite the fact that paid mental health leave would be very important for lots of people. And I think, you know, the other thing is that.
You know, we know that as it stands, there's only about the conviction rate for sexual assault in Australia is around one and a half percent. So that means like 98 and a half percent of perpetrators are not ever held to account.
And I think that sort of also explains this groundswell of anger and fury among women, because there's it just seems, I think, the combination of having Brittany Higgins in the news and with the horrific details of what she suffered, not just in the actual assault itself, but in the weeks and years afterwards. And then the situation with a cabinet minister who genuinely thinks that him saying the words, I didn't do it is enough for the whole matter to be closed. And I think the government misjudged potentially how willing Australian women in particular were going to be to let that go. Start to finish, everything is a tragedy in this whole thing, particularly this fact that Brittany Higgins, whatever she does moving forward, she'll be, you know, this is kind of defined her and she didn't set out to get a job in Parliament House to one day become a anti sexual assault advocate, which is what unfortunately she's not going to be able to avoid that.
You didn't set out to do what you do right now. And you wrote a book about this, Breaking Badly, I guess indirectly led you to where you are now. Can you can you explain to us how your course changed from, you know, law?
Yes. Yes, I can.
So I studied business and law at university in Brisbane. And I had actually all through school, I'd wanted to be a journalist. But towards the end, I'd started to think about law. I thought that seemed like a good idea. I did a communications business degree, which was sort of in my head, a little bit of a nod to the journalism. But once I started law, I actually really loved studying it. And then law is one of those sorts of programs where it's quite structured and you get to a certain point and everyone starts applying for these clerkship positions at big law firms. And it's not an easy process in that it's quite competitive, but it's an easy process in that if you're at this level, if you're at this year in your studies, you can start applying to these firms on this date and then you'll have offers by this date. And so I fell into the trap of thinking, oh, well, if that's what everyone's doing, I'll do that. And I ended up getting a couple of clerkships at big firms, which I did. And then I got offered a graduate position with one of them that I had worked for casually for my last year of uni. And I had actually really enjoyed my casual job. But I was moving to Sydney for the big graduate position. And I actually didn't really want to be a commercial lawyer.
I didn't in my heart of hearts, you know, and I had that conversation with a lot of people. But I also knew that it was a good job and that it was. Why would I turn that down? Because particularly in those years when you're leaving uni, I had lots of friends who finding the first job was really tricky because it's not so easy unless you've done a vocation course. And I just sort of thought, well, I'd be wild to turn this down. So I took it and I started.
And the other sort of relevant back story is that when I was 19, so I was in my second year of uni, I was diagnosed with two health conditions. So one of them was endometriosis and the other one was Crohn's disease. Neither of them are pleasant at all. I had I had to have a number of I had three operations for endometriosis within a few weeks of being diagnosed with it.
And I found that very confronting because I hated having operations. It was it. And also at 19, it just wasn't what I thought I wanted to be doing. And lots of my friends weren't doing it. So I found it quite isolating, I guess.
And then I had was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Again, very unpleasant, required all sorts of treatments. Hadn't heard much about these like illnesses.
No one really does, especially at that age. No.
And actually, it is funny because so this was I finished high school in 1999. And so I didn't even have a mobile phone until my first year of uni. Certainly smartphones were another like a solid decade on later. The internet, you know, was around, but it wasn't like it is now.
So if issues like anxiety, but also endometriosis, I had never heard about it. I'd literally never heard about it.
Now, fortunately, that is quite different now. I think a lot of young women, there's lots more of information out there. And but I didn't know what either of these two things were, and neither were very pleasant.
And I sort of just set up this coping mechanism, which was I would keep my illnesses in a box on one corner. And then the rest of my life was in a different box. And I would sort of maintain that division. And while I was at uni, I actually was able to do that because at uni, you've got far more flexibility. You know, it's not like a nine to five job where you're there the whole time. And so I was able to kind of manage my illness and my study and do well enough to get these clerkships. But when I moved down to Sydney and started working full time, I got really sick.
So I was really unwell. I was really thin. I was I just felt horrendous, but I was mortified that I felt horrendous. And I was really determined that I would just pretend that I didn't feel terrible. And really, I did that for about 18 months before I fell apart. And I literally fell apart. I fell over one night in my office with this sort of vertigo spell. It felt a bit like there'd been an earthquake, but no one else had felt it. And that was the start of four months of being unable really to function properly. I had this horrendous vertigo. I didn't have, I wasn't steady on my feet. I had headaches. I felt nauseous all the time. I just felt dreadful.
And I ended up having to move back home to my parents in Lismore. So at that stage, I was living with my boyfriend. We shared like a tiny, tiny apartment that was about 25 square metres. And he couldn't look after me full time because he was studying at uni as well as well as working. And so I moved home to my parents and spent this awful four months thinking that I would never get off the couch and that my whole life would be spent on the sofa. And I do love my parents, but I did not sort of have the sofa in mind for like my full future and saw lots of doctors, saw lots of alternative health practitioners, saw everyone.
And no one could tell us what was happening until finally a physician who was over 70 said to me, you know, what you're experiencing is real. It's not in your head, which is what I had started to imagine because we were seeing all these doctors. I was seeing neurologists and ear, nose and throat people and GPs. No one could tell me what was wrong. Couple Lismore witch doctors too, I'm guessing.
Oh yeah, 100%. Oh, look, we did the full spectrum.
There was the diets that we tried. I tried anything and nothing helped.
And then finally, this gorgeous specialist said to me, who was a classic old school physician, which is a doctor that kind of looks at the whole body and he just said, look, Georgie, what you're experiencing is real, but I think it's actually stress that's causing this. And I think we probably need to have a discussion about you going on medication for anxiety. I think you should see a psychiatrist and I think you should be admitted into psychiatric care. Now, the fact that when he said those words, my immediate response was relief was a pretty solid indication to me that what he said was exactly right, because I just needed help.
I was in such a bad place. You know, I wasn't well when these four months kicked off and then I spent four months just getting worse and worse and worse because I was terrified of what was going on. And I did have untreated anxiety, rampant anxiety. And so I did, I went to a psychiatric hospital, I started medication and I sort of embarked on a really intensive therapy session for a couple of weeks, which was the best thing that could have ever happened to me at that point. So what I experienced was awful and I would not recommend it to anyone. But for me, crashing into rock bottom gave me perspective about my options that I don't think anything else could. And so that was it was when I was there that I realized that I didn't actually want to be a commercial lawyer and I didn't have a nervous breakdown just because I worked in corporate law, but corporate law working really, really long hours in a competitive environment. It certainly probably accelerated my demise and I didn't even enjoy it.
It wasn't it wasn't even my dream. I don't even know whose dream it was, but on paper it looks good.
And I was concerned with doing good things. I like being a good person. I like ticks.
Also being closeted with, you know, these these illnesses that you'd kind of been diagnosed with leading into all that. Yeah. And actually, this was probably one of the kind of light bulb.
I had a lot of light bulb moments when I was in rehab, but I think that I had really internalized this message that because I had illness, I was really deficient. And so having Crohn's was sort of almost like a character flaw and same with endometriosis. And I was kind of overcompensating for that in thinking, well, if I do well enough, no one, it won't matter. And then what I actually realized when I was in rehab and I actually sort of step back and you start talking to people about the stuff around you and they ask questions and you think, oh, my gosh, maybe I'm actually more resilient because I have these illnesses and still manage to do these things, not less resilient because it is actually something that I cope with and I manage. I mean, obviously, I didn't do a very good job of it when I landed in rehab, but I certainly had over those years and it just it changed my perspective.
And I and I still now like my body is just hilariously broken if I have I have new health issues all the time. My brother and sister are like the healthiest, most straightforward people never have to see a specialist. But I also in rehab, I just came to grips with the fact that I am the way that I am in good and bad ways. And it's the same a bit with anxiety. Obviously, I and I still have stayed on medication. And for me, that makes life a lot easier than not being on medication. And I did have therapy for a long time. And I do now, if something's going wrong or I'm not feeling great, I will always go back and see someone. So I got the oil checked.
Yeah. And, you know, I realized that I didn't realize that anxiety was a thing. Yeah. And I didn't realize that it was a thing that was ruining my life. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you know, from the illnesses you've mentioned here that you've been diagnosed with all three kind of have a stigma around them to at least the Crohn's and the endometriosis. There's a lot of hush around them. And then, of course, into mental illness, which is similar as the title of your book says that makes for breaking badly when it all kind of ends up in a pressure cooker environment.
Yes. And I mean, that was really what hit me when I got to rehab was that suddenly I realized, you know, there was a part of me that was like, how have I landed in a psychiatric hospital? I'm such a nerd. I do all the right things.
I haven't ever abused, you know, illegal substances. How am I getting admitted to rehab?
But the more I actually sat and spoke with professionals and really started looking at it differently, I was like, I actually am surprised it took me that long to have a nervous breakdown. You know, I really the pressure that I was putting on myself on top of what I was physically living with in terms of illness and mental illness. It was a pretty toxic combination. And so I think it's inevitable that I landed where I did. And I think, I guess one of the things that this book was published in May 2019, and I am still struck by it. I get the most incredible messages from people all the time. When I was having that horrendous time, I honestly thought, not in an egomaniacal way, but I honestly thought I was the only person that had broken like this.
And it was so, you know, and I also am incredibly privileged, which I've always known. I was, you know, my parents were very comfortable. They gave us an amazing opportunity. I knew how lucky I was.
And I thought it wasn't really fair for me to break when there are children out there or teenagers or young adults out there who've had actual trauma in their life. But again, being aware of privilege is a good thing, but it's very corrosive if you're using it to beat yourself up with when you're not actually looking at what's in front of you. And I get so many messages from people who are living that time that I did or have lived that time.
And that is still invisible. And it's invisible for a good reason, because when you're in the middle of falling apart, you do not want to publicize it to people. You can barely publicize it to yourself. When nothing on paper suggests that you should be.
Yeah. Well, after the book was published, how many people got in contact with you with a story that was pretty similar?
I mean, is this a problem that law firms have? It's not it's not just law firms, but I will say I have spoken at quite a few law firms about lots of different parts of this. And I will never forget one breakfast I spoke at, which was a women's it was a women's lawyer networking group, and it was at a different person's office. And that meant so it wasn't just the firm there.
It was people who'd come from different places. And I say this because I think people felt a bit safer than they felt than if it was in their workplace and they were sitting next to their colleagues. But I was giving a speech. And at one point, there were about 12 people in the room of maybe 60 who were just had tears streaming down their face.
And that reaction is not that uncommon, but it just something about it struck me is just so sad when I looked at that because I just thought, I know my story is so universal. And I guess the other thing that is true about my book is that it does talk about living with illness. And I did have I had underestimated how many people with Crohn's disease would actually find it quite useful just because there isn't that much ever written about Crohn's because it's so vile. But then there's also this sort of professional angst of sort of navigating what I did, which was when I left law and then because after rehab, I decided I just didn't need to pretend anymore that law was what I wanted. And I kind of opened up the space and ended up getting a career in journalism, which I'm very grateful for. And it still sort of blows my mind that that happened.
But I think a lot of people can relate to the feeling that I sort of described of feeling like you're doing all the right things and what you have to do, but being miserable and scared and unhappy all the time, but not really knowing what to do with it. And so it's hard for me to say how many people have got in touch after the book. But I would say probably now I get at least one or two messages on social media every week. But there have been times where it would be 30 or 25. And again, it's not necessarily people that are living the exact same toxic situation that I was, but it is people that are struggling with either anxiety or perfectionism or feeling like this incredible pressure to meet other people's standards or it's living with chronic illness or it's doing a job that you hate and sort of knowing that you've got something inside you that you want to be doing, but not quite knowing how to get there. So I think there's a few different touch points that people relate to. I don't necessarily think everyone who reads it is exactly like I was. Would you say gender inequality, I mean, that's something you write a lot about now, but would that be a touch point in your story as well that might have that might resonate with, you know, you said before that event where, you know, you had this emotional response from such an audience was a woman's networking event. Was that a factor in all this too?
So I think it's interesting, actually, because I went to an all girls school, a boarding school in Brisbane, and I have very low key equal parents. So my parents both always worked.
Dad had afternoons off. He did school sport. He cooked dinner. It was a very equal family, particularly by 1980s standards.
And then I went to this private school where, you know, we were I just I just genuinely thought I just genuinely thought that gender inequality was a thing of the past. And then when I got to uni and it's, you know, in lecture theaters, it was more if anything, it was slightly more girls than boys in law. And then I just genuinely so gender absolutely was not on my radar until after my breakdown.
And I actually became a journalist, a business journalist. And that was when I started interrogating the sort of figures. And I was like, oh, my goodness, this is absolutely horrendous. But in the book, I do talk about the fact that the journey, I suppose, that I went on when I started working as a journalist and started thinking about these issues.
But then also when my husband and I had our first child and then you suddenly thrust into this other world where, you know, all of a sudden people think that, you know, they think he was a hero for keeping our child alive for an hour. And a half on a Sunday morning, whereas, you know, mothers can't do anything right. We were both quite shocked, I think, by the projections of other people on us. Like we were equally incompetent at nurturing a newborn baby. We were learning as we went.
But it's called babysitting when dad's left home alone. Well, that's the thing, not in our house.
It's not it's but, you know, and I guess that and I do write in the book, I guess, the sort of evolution of how I became to be as passionate as I am about these issues. And it wasn't because I was born on this sort of mission to to write and talk about women's rights all the time. But it's because it sort of happened in an organic way.
But also, I am just so convinced that Australia can create a better story for women. And I think that I've been convinced of that for a very long time. I gave a speech. I remember it so clearly about seven years ago where I called for a new story for Australian women. And I still think about the quotes that I use because all of the different scenarios are still so true.
We've got so few women in different roles. We look at look at the way that women in public life are treated.
And I just know it can be better. Yeah, this last week hasn't really been good in terms of those points. In fact, it does it does at times feel like a backward slide. Yes and no. So it absolutely feels like things are horrendous for women in this country. But what I would say is that things aren't actually more horrendous right now than they were three weeks ago or six weeks ago or three months ago. But there are more people, I think, that are opening their eyes to the true horror of it for the first time. And so for a lot of people, it might feel like this is horrendous. I cannot believe this is happening. Whereas for women, it feels like finally we're getting enough people listening.
The lid's been torn open, yeah. Yeah. And to see and I mean, again, so this would be something I did as I did the drum on ABC last Wednesday night.
And I've never had I think I probably had eight emails from middle aged men who I've never met before who wrote and said, I watched tonight or I've been reading the news.
I just cannot believe how much I thought this was not a problem. And, you know, messages to that effect. And that fills me with hope, not because I think men are the solution to this problem. I think they I think they're certainly part of the solution to this problem. But I think to me that really indicates that the conversation is shifting in a way that it's not just women getting in touch with me after the drum to say, you know, I've been hurt too, which is what you always get, which is heartbreaking. It's a man saying, I had no idea people got hurt like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, tell us what's happening in the immediate future that you might be directly involved in. Yes.
So this is one of the other things that's filling me with hope because last weekend, a woman two weekends ago now, but it was it was in the aftermath of the historic allegations coming forward about a cabinet minister allegedly having raped a 16 year old girl. And we didn't know at this point who the cabinet minister was. It wasn't publicly known.
But a woman, Janine Hendry, who's 58, has never organized a protest, sent out a tweet and said, what if when Parliament resumes, we get 4000 women to form a circle around Parliament House as a show of solidarity that we're here, we exist and we matter. And she got a pretty terrific response from Twitter enough that on the Sunday, she set up a Facebook page. And within 24 hours, it had about nine and a half thousand followers. I think it's now it's now close to 30,000.
And it has turned into not just a march or a protest in Canberra, but there is a big rally being organized in Canberra for next Monday, the 15th of March at 12 p.m. when Parliament sits. But there are also satellite events planned in capital cities and regional towns all around the country.
And it is genuinely an organic uprising of women. The people in this group, you know, there are definitely established feminists like myself and lots and lots of women who've been working in this space for a long time are involved. But if you look at the social media, there are lots of people who are protesting for the very first time.
And it's because they've just suddenly they've had enough, you know what I mean? That is one of the so the event is called March for Justice. And the other hashtag that's going with it is enough is enough because that is just how we feel enough.
And when, you know, because I guess the other thing is and about this being related to Parliament House in Canberra. So sexual harassment and sexual assault are not just problems in Canberra. But if we can't keep women safe in Parliament House, in the building where our power sits, where laws are made.
AK-47s, men carrying AK-47s walking around the halls. Yeah, exactly. Probably not AKs, but something to tell that effect. M16?
But if we can't keep people safe in that building, what hope is there for women in other workplaces? And so that's why we're going to Canberra to really say that the treatment of women in Australia is unacceptable. It has been unacceptable for a long time, but we are not standing down on this. It has got to start from the top down. And we have got to get it right in Canberra, because if we have leadership in this country that perpetuates whether it's deliberate or not, but perpetuates this idea that women are PR problems to be managed or that they are highly emotional, problematic individuals that are inferior to the men.
And, you know, that is the subliminal messaging that we get from this government every single day. And it's time to challenge that. And I think it's also actually relevant to say there's obviously been a lot of conversation in recent weeks around the issue of sexual assault among school children. You know, the Sydney girl who started that petition has created an extraordinary response in that there are schools and communities of parents and families who are talking about these issues.
And I see that these things are very closely connected, because in my view, the issue of rape is actually not about consent. Rape is not sex. Rape is an act of violence, of violating another person's body. And that's not, there's not a blurred line there.
So the idea, I think, I absolutely support education around respectful relationships. And I think conversations around consent are very important. But I also think we've got to be really realistic about how gender inequality creates a culture in which men believe that they are entitled to violate another person's body as they're sort of right. And my view is that we cannot have the leadership we've got in Canberra right now, giving the message that it is giving about how little it values women, and expect teenage boys to be treating women with the respect they deserve.
Does this take us down a whole nother path of, you know, rap video clips and stuff like that? I know what you're saying. What you're saying is quite, I mean, we've seen it from the start with the Morrison government with, you know, when Julia Banks moved to the crossbench. And then there was, you know, even at that point, I was going to mention earlier, Senator Reynolds was, you know, joining this kind of push against the prime minister. And since you don't see that same kind of sentiment in the last few weeks, but there is, you know, there's a lot there's a lot of play in terms of media, in terms of, dare I say, video games. I know that's the that's the one that gets a lot of criticism from from the kids.
You know, is it an issue of objectifying as well? I think objectifying women is definitely an issue. But I also think that the objectification of women is much easier to do in a way that's harmful when the culture supports men as dominant and men as superior.
And that is what our culture does support. And it's not the way that it has to be. There are other countries where there is a smaller gap between the genders. And, you know, contrary to what some people might think, that hasn't been the end of humanity. And it certainly hasn't been the end of men and women having positive, respectful relationships in workplaces and in homes and behind closed doors. You know, it's not impossible to imagine how we increase the respect of girls and women in this country.
But no one has ever made any inroads at closing the gap between men and women accidentally.
It only happens when you are committed and deliberate. And the, you know, the alternative is if you and this is a quote from Liz Broderick, who used to be the federal sex discrimination commissioner. If you don't actively include women, you will unintentionally exclude them. And that is what we see played out. So it is time for intentional inclusion.
And I'm going to be marching in Canberra and I will be demanding that. And dare I say, there will be thousands and thousands of women and men marching not just in Canberra, but around the country. And I don't think that the march, I don't look at this march as the end of it. I look at the march as the beginning of it and the beginning of a new conversation about the treatment of women in this country. So that'll be happening on Monday, the 15th. Look up March for Justice to all those listeners at home. That's, you know, you've got a weekend to get your signs ready. And to the blokes out there, this is one for you to maybe take a few rows back on the march. You know, we don't want the, like the white fellas up front on invasion day. We might ask you guys, you know, women to the front, I think, on this one, boys. Look, I think that's right. But I should also say my husband is marching.
He's taken the day off work. He's bringing our two older girls.
And I know of a lot of men who are coming. And so men are definitely very welcome. It'll be an interesting turnout. And it's going to definitely change the course of the stories that we've been seeing in the news most definitely and for the better.
Thank you for joining us today, Georgie Dent. What a great yarn and what a great thing you're doing. Yeah, thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to be here in Batuta.
And I do hope that Batuta will be having a march of its own. Oh, we will be down on Daru Street, front and centre. And if you'd like to attend a march on the 15th of March, you can go to the following places. The main one, the main one around the country is obviously happening in Canberra and in New South Wales. There are marches in Albury and Wodonga, Armidale, Bega, Belling and Byron Bay, Coffs Harbour, Gosford, Aluka, Lismore, Nowra, Newcastle, Sydney, Taree and Wagga Wagga.
There's a bus leaving from Wollongong in the morning to go to Canberra. So if you're in the Wollongong area and feel like getting up early, you can get on that bus and get out of Canberra.
In the Northern Territory, there are marches in Alice Springs and Darwin. And in Queensland, there are marches in Brisbane, Bundaberg, Cairns. On the Sunshine Coast, Toowoomba and Townsville. In South Australia, there's just the one in Adelaide. In Tasmania, there is also just one and that is in Hobart. And in Victoria, there are marches in Ballarat, Bendigo, Geelong, Melbourne, Rosebud, Talbot, Torquay, Wangaratta, Warrnambool and Wodonga. And over in the prosperous west of the country, there's a march in Bunbury and there's a march in Perth.
So if you're in any of those locations, just trying to long down after lunch, go on the website and take a look at where the marches are. But they all start around about noon. So get on down there. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Koori_Knockout_Special_with_Dean_Widders | What we've got here today is one of a dream run of indigenous guests. Obviously, we've got a lot going on in the news. Turn on the TV or open a newspaper, you'd know that Aboriginal people are obviously the main character of a news story and a political moment that is gripping the country, whether they want to be or not, unfortunately. And that's resulted in a two-part episode that we did with Thomas Mayo, the MUA union delegate who's involved in the Uluru dialogue and the Voice to Parliament campaign. And we're also hoping to talk to some of the representatives from the Queensland Black Know and hear their side of things. But yes, it all is an overwhelming news cycle. And I feel sorry for the Aboriginal people in the centre of this, like a tug of war, which is why it is such great news that we have the ultimate circuit breaker for the Aboriginal community coming up, same weekend as the NRL grand final. The Koori knockout.
I don't think anyone will be talking about politics on the sideline unless it's directly related to the politics involved in selecting sides and who's from who and who's playing for who. Thank you for joining us today, Dean Witters. Yeah, mate, politics is what it's all about with the football, I tell you. You go up there, there's plenty of arguments at dinner tables about who's in what team and should they be allowed to play and why is Latrell Mitchell not playing with his mob?
We have all of it. And it's certainly something that we call it knockout fever. And a lot of the Aboriginal community in New South Wales, they get it come September all the way through and they ride it all the way to the big one in October. And it's certainly an exciting time. It's an interesting one, isn't it? It's what? It's a record breaker. This carnival. What are the stats there?
We've been going for over 50, 51, 52 years now. It started a long time ago with six or seven teams down here in Erskineville. And it's grown now to, it's probably the largest rugby league event in the world. So you'd have over 150 teams up there in Tuggera this next weekend and there'll be a men's competition and they usually get around 64 to 68 teams or cap it at 64 these days. And it's huge.
I think it's the only sporting event you can go to in the world where a world champion could play against someone who doesn't even play a sport regularly. You won't see that happen anymore. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it's something about the Aboriginal community with these exhibition matches too. It's the same with the Indigenous All Stars and the NRL. In what other competition in the world are these blokes going to risk an injury before the season's even started to play with their mob?
And I think it just comes down to how much rugby league means to our communities and what impact and influence rugby league and its players can have on the Indigenous community. So we love our football and it makes a difference to our communities. It brings people together and gives us a voice and it's something that we're just really passionate about.
Now I want us to talk about that there because, Dean, you are a decorated former footballer of the NRL, rabbit-o's legend, Parramatta legend, bit of time in England as well. Yeah, three years over there in the cold at Castleford. And of course, all your club stuff and all your family stuff. Can you tell us about your earliest memories of rugby league football as a young Koori lad out New England way? Yeah, so I grew up in Armidale and I grew up in Armidale. I was born at the time that the local Indigenous rugby league players couldn't get a run with the teams in town.
Geez, that must have been ordinary. So they... The teams in town must have been ordinary. Well, they'd play, the stories go that they'd play all year and get them into the finals and then when they get into the finals, they'd all get dropped and couldn't get a game in the grand finals.
So they formed their own team, the Nawin Eels, and the Aboriginal community in Armidale is that passionate about the Nawin Eels and it comes from our tribal, the Annawun people. So it comes from our tribe, the Nawin Eels, and they formed their own team and then this team became so successful in Armidale that it helped overcome racism and this is around the same time that I was born and it brought the Aboriginal community together in Armidale. So I saw the difference that rugby league could make to a community at a young age and I grew up just passionate about it and then the Koori knockout was what Nawin would play in and every year we'd go down in October to see my game.
They're still playing? Yeah, they're still playing. Still one of the most successful teams in the knockout there.
When was the last time you threw on a jersey? Last year. Can you believe it? It's a funny story too because my team, the NRLW team last year, Parra, we made the grand final. So we had the captain's run on a Saturday and then I whipped down to Nowra straight after the captain's run, got down there, played my game and then drove straight back so I could be ready for the NRLW grand final. So I got my game in last year, just had one.
That's knockout fever. Yeah, but I've got to throw the boots away this year. I won't be playing this year but I'll be commentating with NITV up there this year. So looking forward to it. Oh, that's okay.
You're on the panel now. Yeah, so doing the commentary with NITV and it's been fantastic. I think when you look at the knockout, you know, it was run for so long as just community groups and community teams getting together and running it and NITV came on board sort of and broadcast it to the rest of the community. I remember when that happened. I remember there was a moment, there was a before and after of the NITV coverage, wasn't it? You don't always hear yarns about the knockout. All of a sudden you're watching it. Everyone was watching it. And it's just grown off the back of it now and it's forced the professionalism of the event to come up heaps, you know, and I'll be in the commentary and I love nothing better to go there and watch all the young talent that's coming through and to hopefully be a voice for those young footballers and the communities they're from and talk about black fella football and the teams and the background and the history of the teams and the clubs and let people know, let the wider audience know about it and everyone tunes into the NITV broadcast because it's the Monday after the grand finals, the finals and obviously we'll broadcast all weekend up there next week in Tuggera, but everyone, you've watched the grand final the night before, the next day you're still looking for a bit of footy. You can tune in and last year the audience got to watch Latrell Mitchell and play in the grand final of the Nakuri knockout. Yeah, it was the first time we saw what will now be the combination that makes up the rabbit eyes. We saw Whiten, we saw Cody and we saw Latrell all playing.
Yeah. So the big names will be there again and Cody just played in a knockout out at Walgett on the weekend with Georgie Rose, but the boys love it and I know even as an NRL player myself, I could not wait to go back and play in the knockout every year. It's funny and you talk to Georgie Rose about that and I've talked to many athletes about it. There's milestones in a footballer's career, right? There's a premiership. There's the crown jewels that you'd hope to achieve as an NRL football. Premiership is one of them, an origin starts one of them and winning an origin is one of them. But I think with the Aboriginal population, the Koori population that make up a vast number of NRL players within the playing group, winning a knockout with your family would be number one, wouldn't it? Yeah. Above all else. Well, you remember George Rose and he won a premiership with Manly, but then when he won the Koori knockout in Armidale it was, he won it the year after we won it and we hosted it up there.
He said on the footage of the NITV, it's the best moment I've ever had in rugby league. It's the best thing I've ever achieved. He was that pumped about it and gave it everything that weekend, Georgie.
But it is that special to us because we play with our communities, we play with our families, all the brothers that we grow up with and to win one is... Fathers and sons. That's a big one. Being able to play with your son, you know? Yeah. Well, I play, I did both. I've been my first ever Koori knockout and learned a lot from playing footy with him and it was one of the best moments and then I'm equally as proud when I got to play with my son a couple of years ago. So, done both things and yeah, it's one of the special moments in rugby league. I mean, you can see how it works, right?
Everyone thinks the body gets a bit older and Dean says he's got to hang up the boots. But if every single person, you know, every Koori family, every old man of the household or you know, fading football and legend says, I only got to play one weekend a year. People are getting up and about, aren't they, in their 50s? It's a dream time story, the September sun, we call it. There's something magnetic and magical in it that the swelling goes down, the knees move a little bit better and the head believes that it can still do it one last time, you know? And my old uncle Dennis Moore, he's nearly 50 and he played again on the weekend. He limps all year, he can't walk properly. But he played footy on the weekend and he's getting ready for that big knockout next week. So yeah, we somehow against all belief, we defy belief and find a way to get out there and have a run.
I always remember my first knockout, I'd only just come down to New South Wales for a visit and I was in the Central West and it was this one you were just talking about. Walgett had won in Armidale and then they had to host the next year, but they did it in Bathurst because they didn't have the ovals in Walgett. So that was the one I went and saw for my first one. And I always remember there was Mundine, Anthony Mundine, I think GI, couple of NRL players who weren't playing or in fact, some, you know, I think GI's family hadn't set up the Wall Street Warriors yet.
So he was kind of wasn't playing, but remember there was, it was pointed to me and I'm sure every young kid knew about it, was that there was a row of Mercedes on the dead ball line down the southern end of the field. I remember thinking the big shots are coming here to watch, you know what I mean? This is, it doesn't matter what's happening in the calendar elsewhere. And as we said, this was before the full blown, I mean, NITV were there, but it was before it had become part of the broadcast sporting calendar. Everyone was there watching. I remember seeing all those cars lined up, you know, athletes, heroes to the kids, the kids get to get up and say g'day as well. Some might have even been playing in that comp.
Is there an element of a lot of people, like a lot more eyes are on this than people really realize it. Do you get the NRL scouts down there? Do you get the, the NRL players that watch it, you know, expect the guys like Ken Murray and Adam Reynolds himself, you know, they watch these knockout games on TV. They, they come in and they watch it in the crowd. You see a lot of the NRL players coming along and watching, um, scouts definitely go there, especially to watch the young kids.
And there's amazing talent of these young kids, you know, and they're raw footballers and they can change road belief for the better. You know, you see the way Reese Wells plays, uh, Selwyn Cobbo there. They've got that Cody Walker. They've got a bit of that knockout flair about them. And that's how these games are played. They're played with flair and risk taking and all this sort of skill and ability. Yeah.
I've never thought of that. I've never thought of the knockout's influence on the NRL as an actual considered factor when it comes to coaching and putting a team together that you've got knockout flair.
That's a style of play. You know, it's been taught from a young age. You go to the knockout, it's tough and aggressive football, but it's also move the ball, spread the ball, take risks, you know, try anything and believe in your ability. That's sort of like you had to prove yourself as a young kid in community. And I know when I was growing up, that was one thing that was when you get that Jersey on your play for now, and that's when you can prove to everyone, whether you're going to be a man in this community, whether you're a good footballer, I couldn't wait to get my chance, but the big thing about it was, yeah, you've got to play with flair and confidence and you've got to back yourself in the knockout.
It's, there's no grinding the ball and just kicking and completing sets there. They're playing a hundred miles an hour because it's only short games to 20 minutes each way. So it's virtually, let's go out there and just get points on the board. No one wants to go in there and be patient and wait. They just come at you a hundred miles an hour and a skill in the flair and ability of some of these young kids.
To do it in front of your grandmother, to do it in front of your aunties, you know, to do it in front of your family and potentially have a moment as a young man when things or a young woman as well that, um, you know, we've got all kinds of, uh, categories, but I'm thinking we're talking about, so when you were playing, it would have just been open men's right? Yes. Open men's to be able to do something in that moment that your family and the community talk about for the rest of your life. Do you think that kind of inspires?
It's a buzz and it's the one thing you look forward to most and for all us as young blackfellas in the community, that's our first game against men. You always play your first game against men in the knockout, never anywhere else.
And you've got to prove yourself because everyone's going to test you, they're going to test you tough enough and they're going to test the, are you good enough? So, and you've got everyone in your team sort of backing you and the support of them. So they make you feel bulletproof.
You know, I said to you earlier, I played with my dad when I ran out, I felt like no one could hurt me. No one could touch me. I was protected. He made me feel safe and he backed me and that's how I wanted to play my footy.
Now I want to talk about this concept of knockout legends. Some people have been able to make it in the big smoke with the NRL. Some people chose not to. Some people were just missed by the system and some people would show their face on a knockout oval once every five years and everyone would be shitting themselves.
Ewan McGrady comes to mind. Mate, there's a list of them McGrady's, there's about 10 of them with that last name that, you know, his brother, Brett McGrady, he was a country footballer, Brett. He was as good as Ewan and you've got Ricky McGrady and Jason McGrady who were two of his brothers that came to Sydney and played and everyone sort of heard of them in Sydney and knew of their freakish ability. But Brett was as good as anyone back there in, um, in Tumulah, Moree and won competitions and come knockouts, he was the dominant playmaker in their team, you know, with all his brothers superstars. So the McGrady's fantastic.
A guy called Shane Phillips in Redfern was an amazing, uh, wall player, silky smooth. Paul Davis and Brett Davis from Nambucca. They were some of the ones that schooled me and then my old man and his team back in Armidale in Arwen, they won two or three knockouts. They, they were a champion team, you know, they had a lot of gun players, but there's, yeah, there's certainly definitely a lot of legends of throughout the knockout.
Yeah.
Well, you know, maybe they're just on the road. Maybe they've got responsibilities. Maybe they got, you know, a bunch of kids at home. Maybe they've got a job where they've got a, you know, they can't be playing footy in a regular season or whatever, but they do make that weekend clear.
I mean, I've seen, you know, there's an old story, there's out of Brea Warriner, there's a guy, uh, Charlie Mack, they call him Charlie McEwen and Charlie played against, you know, Tamana Toho, Jason Moody, when they were all in their prime, Leo Denover, Owen Craigie, when they were in their prime at, uh, Newcastle and he dismantled the whole team and he was an old fella. He played till he was nearly 50.
I think he still runs around out there, but there's little tales of these country guys that just freakish ability, but never ever went to Sydney, but we'll take on anyone and beat anyone when it comes to the knockout. There's also the yarn, I guess, I saw it more with the Queenslanders, right? And they've got their Murray Carnival, but, uh, the Queenslanders didn't really, particularly further north you went, they didn't really have these isolated Murray comps or these Murray teams that break away.
You know what I mean? And it was a really good example that first indigenous all-stars match in the NRL to see Wendell and see these blokes had always been proud, but they'd never been able to rep it the way they did in that match. Do you see that as well? Maybe, maybe someone is, you know, proud Aboriginal man, but really kind of was brought up, not within a community. Yeah. Well, they get the chance, mate. Nico Hines, he was playing for Griffer Freeways before he probably even played an NRL match. Yeah.
So he was finding his identity and connection with who he was and learning on the biggest stage at the knockout about what it means to be a black follower and how much of a difference rugby league makes and what it means to us. So a lot of the boys have come along on that story and played their old Greg Bird. I remember when Birdie played in the knockout, like they all go back and they have their chance to play and learn and get connected to mob. And that's the breeding ground for that sort of stuff, you know, is to come back and find your connection.
How do you go as a commentator? I need to ask, because you have obviously ingrained prejudices and favoritism and bias as a commentator. Yes, I fit in with all the rest of them, don't I? Fit in with all the commentators.
But, you know, we don't hear any bias come through on Channel 9 or anything like that, do we? Joey never raps Newcastle and Gus is never talking about the Bulldogs and how good they are.
But, you know, I just love the footy. And I just want to promote these young kids and tell their story of where they're from, their connections with different rugby league players that people might know about and what the communities are built on and what rugby league means to those communities and just really enjoy it. I suppose it's really exciting. You know, we've got Brad Cook. There's the voice, the voice of Indigenous Rugby League and he's an excellent commentator.
How he's still not in mainstream commentary. I don't know, Cookie. He's so good.
Did he ever get a deadly award? He's got deadly awards.
He's done lots of things, but he does an incredible job, Brad, with the commentary and myself, Tamanna Toe is there, Bo Della Cruz does a lot of the women's, Bo Champion jumps on board. So we have, you know, a lot of our crew from over the black dot there jump on, you know, so we talk NRL all year, but we love our community football and we can't wait to do the commentary on the knockout because you've got to give that background to who all these teams are and who the young players are and a little bit of their journey and stuff and let people know because these are the next superstars that you'll see on your TV. I also like the yarn about the NRL players that have a sabbatical. You know what I mean? Whether they in their career suddenly because of an injury or something else happens or they just retire and then you see him five years later and I'll tell you now, and I'm and this is going to enter the rumor mill. I remember the rumor mill's big and when it comes to knockout fever, I remember hearing about someone saying Latrell's Ute last year in Nowra, that was hysterical and they didn't know who he was playing for until he put the jersey on. But the rumor I'm going to throw to the rumor mill is I've been seeing on Instagram, Jamal Idris is back in the gym. Yes, well, he's got a team in. I saw that he's got a Foster team, he's got some sponsorship from the RSL up there in Foster and I saw he's got a team.
So I wouldn't be surprised if he goes and plays. They con all their ex-NRL players up. But Dylan Farrell's always one who's really keen in there. Georgie Rose obviously gets down plays. You'll see Nathan Blacklock still running around and doing some tricks. Not too many backflips from him these days, but he'll be there playing.
Chock, when was Chock's last run? Chock only played probably about five or six years ago. I don't know if Chock will have a run, he might.
He's young blokes play. So and that's what it's about. I think that's what draws the older guys out is that chance to play with your son or to play with your nephew or to help some of the young boys that you're around in the community and share that passion for rugby league and for the knockout together. So you'll see a bit of it happen. And there's, you know, you count up to 30, 40 NRL or ex-NRL players playing in a knockout every year. It's a great weekend to talk about what sport and particularly what rugby league can do for young Aboriginal people and Aboriginal communities.
You know, we can talk about all kinds of different pathways for people, education, academics, music. You know, you could be a brain surgeon. There's plenty of pathways, plenty of careers that anyone can kind of, you know, we'd like to think that people can go that way if they want to go that way. But sport is a great example for not only financial emancipation for someone to make a bit of money, but also, you know, it's a good way and I want to talk about some of the work you do now when you're kind of working with footballers and, you know, what they can achieve off the field, you know, as NRL stars or as, you know, athletes or, you know, people that are, you know, you could be just taking bonuses, playing club, footy, playing resies. Well, you know what?
It took a long time for us to knock down the walls of the of the NRL, you know what I mean? And especially when Indigenous players first came into it, they were seen more in the athletic roles on the wing, you know, a bit of speed can run. And so the early players were all, you know, an Uncle Lionel Morgan who passed away just this week is the first Indigenous player to play for Australia. But him, the Larry Corral was, you know, they were all the flash Ricky Warfords, they were all the wingers because they could run fast. But then you saw the new breed come through who were the strategy players, the tactical players, you know, the Thurston's. What do you think happened there? Do you think the coaches changed? I think just the attitudes of the NRL clubs changed where they started to believe a blackfella could do this. We always had smart footballers. We always had people who played with flair, but they think and I think this is a unconscious bias that exists in rugby league is people think that Cody Walker goes from his backyard and runs on an NRL field and just just did what he did last as a kid growing up in the backyard.
Now, Cody studied the game. He studies his opponents. He knows them inside out. He knows his own teammates better than and then probably anyone in his team does, you know, knows their strengths and their weaknesses. He's on the iPad. He knows everything about it. He watches video. He knows the ins and outs of the styles of play.
So be like the black quarterback stigma in America. And it's the same with some of our players. Josh at our cars, another one.
People think, oh, he can run fast because he ran fast as a kid. You can't run that fast just because you're fast as a kid. I was fast as a kid. I don't have that speed.
Josh went and did athletics. You know, he's working that he works hard in the gym. He works hard on his body. He's very disciplined. And that's why you see him run as fast as he did.
And I think sometimes that stigma stayed around for a long time. That credit was.
Okay. So it's the natural talent. Yeah. Natural talent.
Just playing like he did in the backyard, playing off the top of his head. You can't play off the top of your head. You can't play off the top of your head in NRL. You know, you've got to be smart in lots of different ways.
And Cody Walker is the example of that. And I think while we've broken down that door to get into the playing of NRL, going into administration, coaching and executive levels of clubs and the, of the game itself, that's the next door to be broken down. You know, we don't have any indigenous coaches in the NRL at the moment. No one even on any of the staff at any of the players. I think it's only Travis Toomer at the Bulldogs. That's one out of probably across 19 clubs with probably 20 staff each up to 400. It's, you know, less than a quarter of a percent is indigenous when we make up up to 13 to 15% of the game.
So we need to work hard in those spaces to create opportunities for more in the game. But also the, the idea of, uh, get an education, go to uni, uh, you know, in between training sessions as well. That's another interesting kind of a by-product and, you know, pro of choosing a career in the NRL. If you were lucky enough to be, you know, given that opportunity, I always remember back to Georgie Rose, seeing him coming up the hill to go to, you know, university after training there, he'd go up to Sydney, uni or whatever he was doing.
And then, you know, he ends up in a boxing promoter space. He ends up, he's the money man. I like to call him Dana black.
Yes. He's killing it. Big Georgie. But yeah. Yeah.
Those things that that's changed. I mean, just across the board for, for athletes, I reckon football is black and white over the last 10 years.
People thinking you can think about when this ends while you're playing. Well, I always say to play as two plan A's plan A on the field and a plan A off the field, not a backup plan, which used to be spoken about long time. Have a backup plan just in case, just in case no one's going to have a backup plan. We don't have a backup plan for when we go out on a Friday night. So you're not going to have it for your life. You know what I mean? So I always say you have two plan A's and focus on what you want to achieve off the field, whether it's, you know, commentary, working in a game, being a doctor, being whatever it is.
And we've seen some of our players in business this year, you know, you've got Remus Smith running his own business. You've got Alex Johnson, the writing children's storytime books and setting himself up for that for life after Josh had a car with his sports apparel. George obviously did his boxing for a long time and his business management, you know, so there's a lot of things that the players are doing off the field and that's crossed the whole game. That's setting themselves up so that when they finish playing, they're still able to go out and make a big difference in the community. And we need that from our indigenous players, particularly. So you're thinking about this and you're working in this for the NRL, particularly working with players, you're working with players, all the top players.
How do you how do you explain to them the bright lights?
I mean, we're talking about knockout here is a great place for a young person to start. It's a great place for you to fall in love with football. It's a great place for you to follow that avenue, to become a footballer, a professional footballer.
But that's the knockout. It's community. It's safe, right?
And you were talking about your first start there up there in Armidale. It wasn't long between you getting your start playing with your old man to you sitting on private jets with Russell Crowe when he took over the Rabbit Eyes, you know what I mean? How do you explain that?
Things are going to get weird. Things, the lights are going to be bright.
You're going to be at movie premieres. He's going to put you in Armani suits. He's going to roll you around town. You're going to meet Russell Crowe. You're going to meet Snoop Dogg. You're going to meet these people. You're actually going to be hot shit.
How do you explain that to them and how did you deal with it?
Yeah, well, look, I suppose there's two things I say to young players all the time is your talent and your ability on the field, that gets you in the door at NRL clubs. It gets you an opportunity. But how long you stay there for comes down to your discipline, your dedication, your professionalism and your ability to adapt and keep learning and growing. And, you know, kids have got to work hard off the field to stay in NRL clubs for a long time. You know, football ability and to be able to run, catch and pass is one thing, but to be able to be dedicated to the sport, to be disciplined with your diet and your sleep and to turn up every day and be consistent, to get setbacks and become resilient and overcome setbacks.
It's a whole new talent that our kids need to learn. And I talk to the coaches in the game and the people who work with our players and say sometimes they need more training off the field and they do stuff on the field. You don't need to spend hours out there teaching them how to pass and catch and all that sort of stuff. Yeah, finesse their skills. But you're so able to keep the lights on, you know, teach them how to be resilient, teach them how to, you know, to tough it out for a different time, to be patient, teach them how to make sure they prepare and plan for their week and their game. Preparation, teach them how to recover after games.
What about life skills? What about your day and days? This is all part of life skills, you know, is learning these things around that professionalism. And then you apply them every day, how to get a job and to have a consistent job, how to sustain relationships, all these sort of things, how to have good people around you. So you think that's what you say more than anything to these kids before you even consider the bright lights that are going to come from a successful career, from stardom, get on top of this shit. Before you start thinking about how you're going to handle the girls in your DMs, how you're going to handle the celebrity factor, the being invited to things.
Yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that comes with it. And look, everyone loves to do that sort of stuff. Yeah. But you know that that only comes off the back of all the hard work and the focus that you get. So you've got to keep yourself grounded. Yeah.
And you got to remember all the little things that make the difference in your career. And you'll get to ride some of the highs like that. But it's also, you know, it's regularly like a bit of a roller coaster. For every high and every, you know, trip to a club with Russell Crowe, there's also some tough little mornings when you've lost a game and have to go through that battle and everyone's hammering you, you know what I mean? Or you get dropped to reserve grade. Like, there's some equally tough moments as well. And you look at Luttrell just in these last 12 months, for the highs that he's had in his career, he's had a lot of lows as well, and he's had to deal with them. I want to talk about that a little bit. I was talking to Luttrell the other day, and it just blows me away how he's able to keep high spirits.
Rugby league media, and we've said this in interviews over the last couple of weeks, you know, we had Andrew Webster in here talking about Wayne Bennett and talking about Wayne Bennett's approach to dealing with, I guess, the feelings and the, you know, self-conscious young men. And I don't know how self-conscious young men, which everyone would be when you're an elite sportsman, you've got to be self-conscious, you've got to have an ego, you've got to have all these different things going on inside you. NRL media used to be able to cover all that, and it was fun. And, you know, sometimes there'd be a witch hunt, you know, Sonny Bill's going to Toulon, he's taking off on the Bulldogs, or Mundine was a, you know, was a firebrand in the media, and maybe Mundine knew how to play with the media, he certainly did by the time he was boxing, he certainly knew the game. But it was never really the pylon like you'd see in the AFL, which you see with the Favola or the Benny Cousins or the Adam Goodes, but we're starting to see it in NRL media now. I think it's the way that, you know, everything's going online and they're looking for clicks and they're looking for, you know, they're treating it like talkback, rugby league commentary, you know, it's, it's almost like listening to shock jocks nowadays.
Have you seen anything like what's happening to Luttrell, like these pylons that they put on Luttrell? Jerome Lueye is another one, but I don't think he's had a full lick of what Luttrell's had to cop since he moved, or basically since he became a household known. Yeah, look, mate, I've never seen a player cop what Luttrell cops. I've never seen someone spotlighted for their performance, you know, team that's losing, and especially when they're just coming back and look at the errors that they make in a game under the spotlight that Luttrell's had applied to him. You know, and I think some, it's unfair, but I think Luttrell's got good support around him, especially through Matty Rose and the crew there, and then Luttrell's family too, Matty Mitchell, you know, he's a great guy, Matty, and Luttrell's mum.
I sat next to Matty at Luke Coombs. Oh, yeah, he was up there having a beer too, eh? Fantastic, and I was there at that Luke Coombs concert, oh, I loved it.
But, you know, great family around him, he loves his rugby league, the boys get around him, and he knows, he's got all the players and ex-players supporting him, and, you know, he keeps standing up. So the ex-players, I was thinking that, he'll get a message, he'll get a nod from anyone from anywhere. Yeah, we've got a WhatsApp group there, the boys all sort of stick onto it and say, you know, let it help each other out when they're going through a difficult time. Stay in touch, and whenever we see each other, all the boys, they always make sure they make a point to, you know, look after each other, and everyone knows that Luttrell's copped a fair bit more than everyone, and Luttrell's a firebrand, you know, he loves a bit of controversy himself, you know, if you have a look at him, he had a muck around fight with his best mate in Jack White, and, you know, so he's not afraid to say something or stir people up or aggravate people, he's up for the challenge too.
But you can see that it would take its toll, and I've never seen that applied to any other player. No, yeah, it would take its toll on your performance more so than anything, I guess, which basically just goes to show that he's a human at the end of the day, you know what I mean, there's some people that thrive under that kind of, you know, John McEnroe in the tennis, you know, some people love being the villain, but if that's not who you are, and that's not, and you don't find it, it would drain your energy. Yeah, it would drain you. But, you know, again, at the end of the day, every October, if you don't make a grand final, you get the chance to put on a real show.
They love it, a lot of people say, you see on social media, when these teams get knocked out of the competition, they go, I bet you Cody's organizing his knockout team straight away now, and they just start talking about it, and it nearly is true, the next day, you know that the community's buzzing now, because Cody will be back in next week, so he's going to be getting us ready for the knockout. One I saw was one of the Murray memes that went around, when Bradman Best did the Shaker leg, in The Origin, with his brother, at Okar, I didn't know that Bradman Best was from an Aboriginal family, was that one that went around? Yeah, yeah, who's Bradman playing with? And he's up there in Newcastle, and they always blame the, Newcastle now, the Yowies is the flash team, you know, they always get all the big names, they call them the most stacked side, so everyone's going, but he's playing for the Yowies, but we had him on the, over the black dot a couple of weeks ago, Bradman, and he said he's going back to Tinga to play, if he plays with the community back there, which is where his family's from, you know, so. I was about to ask you about the Tinga Tigers, that is one of those myths, urban myths, that exists in Rugby League, particularly in the bush, it's not a big town. No, it's a town of, what, 200 people, not even that, 200, not even 200 people, but they produced, you know, old Craigie, Nathan Blacklock, Preston Campbell, Peter Ellis, Jaden Campbell, now Bradman Best, Greg Inglis's family's from there, Albert Kelly's family's from there, so they're all connected to Tinga, so it's amazing. But look, there's this Blair family up there, and they talk about, and it's a lot of Owen, and that's family, Preston's family, and they talk about how good the old fellas were that played, that they should have played NRL, the old grandfathers and stuff like that, and that's where they all get their ability from, and they're freakish players though, they all come from that same home. Is there a few towns like that, like what's in the water here? Yeah, well, you look at Walgett, you know, the Rose brothers, Ricky Warford, they've had, they've got, I think they've got the record Walgett for a little town, they've won the most of the career knockouts, more reason than the other one, you know, the McGrady's from Toomala, every town's got their star players, man, they've got their abilities, and they've got their family names that, you know, up in Armidale, it's probably the witnesses, the Morans, they've been big names for a long time up there, produced a lot of footballers. We've got Walkers as well, I mean, what's that, not exactly Northern Rivers, but you know, with Cody's family, Casino, that way, yeah, yeah, Donnie Walker, I thought there was a lot of them, a whole heap of Walkers up there, Tabulum, they were fantastic footballers, and just, they were a good, pretty team to watch, Tabulum, always a tough team, but just knew how to find the footballer around, and Cody, that's where his family's all from.
So, is there any untouched surface of New South Wales? Broken Hill and Menindee had a team in it, Menindee's had a team. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. You can just look, Wilcannia, you can't go further than that, they've had a team in the knockout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can go down to the border and Albury. I was thinking those kind of ones, I was bored, yeah. No, they have teams, they come, and you, I was at Victoria and Wodonga there one time, and they were telling me about different sides that played in a knockout from Victoria that crossed the border and come and play, so, rugby league reaches a long way, you go all the way to the north, you have Mungindi. Yeah. All them border towns, Colleranabri, Bourke, Bourke, Brie Warriner, all the way out to Menindee and Wilcannia, Broken Hill, they all come to the knockout at some stage. Because I was thinking that was the south coast, they won 2019, south coast cockatoos, and that was going to be the 50 year anniversary, they got to host 2020, obviously, COVID pushed it back a couple of years, but was that the first time they'd been put together? Yeah. South coast? First time the south, well they always had different teams down there, but this was like a south coast representative team that brought all, probably from Wollongong down to past Nowra, you know, brought all that mob together, and they were telling footballers down there, you know, so they were...
A few towns to pick from too. Yeah, so a big mob to pick from down there, and they came together, and they had a great side, and they wanted to take it down to Nowra, and then at Newcastle, All Blacks won it last year to take it back up here to Tuggera, to run in their local area, so if you win it, that's the dream, if you win it. You get to take it back to your hometown, and the whole state focuses on your town for the next 12 months. And then if your town's too small, you've got to pick another town that'll have you. Yeah, well that's the case, you know, because we ran it in Armidale once we won it a few times with Darwin, and it's too big to run in a little town like Armidale now.
Really?
Too big for Armidale? Too big for Armidale.
Dubbo pulled it off. Tamworth and Dubbo, Albury, Wagga, Tuggera's massive, the complex they've got up there is excellent, the facilities are brilliant. Nowra struggled because it was so small, it was a big arse for them down there, people had to stay all the way back up to... virtually some people stayed in Sydney and drove down there, you know, it was just... The accommodation, you know, books out for hundreds of kilometres in all directions, so Newcastle's hosted a fair few now, like you said, Bathurst and Dubbo, Dubbo's a really good spot for it, it's been tremendous every time it's been in Dubbo.
I need to ask now, I've asked plenty of questions for the layman sitting at home that knows about the knockout but doesn't really know the guy, but now me, I'm someone who's been watching it for 10 years, there's questions I need answered as just a humble white fella, can you explain these memorial teams to me? Explain to me the types of teams, obviously you've got your mob, you've got your team... You have the big community teams like, you know, the Moree Boomerangs, the Redfern, All Blacks, La Perus, Panthers, Nahwa Neals, they've been there for a long, long time, you know, they'll be there, they'll be there again year after year, they've been there for nearly the whole 50 years, they'll be there for the next 50, they just keep wanting to play those communities. And then you have a lot of the memorial teams that come in that, out of respect for a family member or someone prominent in a community that might have played for a couple of different communities, so they join different blokes together to come together to play for, you know, your dad or your grandfather might have passed away, contributed a lot to rugby league in that community. So, and then a lot of family groups just want to do it to pay tribute and bring the family together, because they've had great loss in the last two or three years or the last 12 months. So, because the knockout is seen as a modern day corroboree, a lot of families look at it as that's their get together, that's their reunion for the year. So, family teams always play in it and a lot of mobs say, oh, this is the only time we actually get to catch up with each other besides being at a funeral, is at the knockout. So, you know, they go away, they stay together, they put a little team together amongst all their nephews and cousins and uncles and they just have a run and it's just about the mob coming together, having a game of footy and having a weekend away in October, so it's really special like that.
And was last year's winner a memorial? No, last year's winner was Newcastle All Blacks and they did have a, you know, a memorial for their pop. Their pop was a prominent man up there in the Newcastle community, Bill Smith, and the team, he did a lot for that team over 30, 40 years. But it wasn't official memorial? And a lot of his grandsons and his sons were sort of running it, so they played respect to him, but it wasn't an official memorial team, but it's a club playing tribute to someone. Yeah, so I saw the memorial team, I saw a lot of shirts, you know, of people that have passed away and you put together a team, do they stick around for long or is that more of a one-off?
Most of them one-off, yeah, most of them will have a one-off and play together and enjoy that and pay that respects and then that's usually when it stops, just after that one year. And then I saw another one where it's like a mission, like a particular, not so much a town or a community or a mob, it's like paying tribute to everyone's family who came from one particular place. Yes, so you get some of that happens too, yeah, they pay tribute to, you know, a boy's home or Kootamundra boy's home or a town where they used to live, where the old people used to come from, you know, like we have Inglebar up there and Woolbrook. A couple of years ago, they put a Woolbrook Hawks team in and no, no Blackfellas live out at Woolbrook anymore, but it was all the people whose ancestors were from there and wanted to pay tribute to that mob and tell a bit of their story, I suppose, to their grandkids. That's the thing for us, it's a big connection piece, like I don't even know for my kids, my kids grew up in England and in Australia, in Sydney, away from my one country, so when we go back in the knockout, that's what I tell my son who he's related to, these are all your cousins here and you're playing with boys who you're related to. My daughter even got to do that on the weekend, she went to a smaller knockout in Lismore and she ended up playing with a team that she didn't know, but she was related to most of them, so she met a lot of her cousins there for football.
Obviously, NITV's coverage is elite, but I do think there's something, I think there's an ESPN 30 from 30 on this phenomena, you know, that is completely Aboriginal owned and operated and run and we are open with politics, right? It is astounding that this thing can keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger and logistically, it just does not fail. It's a true example of like something that, you know, means so much that it has to work. I think it would be interesting to see it, as you said, it's too big for Armidale now and that's a pretty big, that's a university town.
But it's a huge event, like nearly 150 teams and you're playing for four full days of footy and it's the only event that a big town like Dubbo, KFC will sell out a chicken. You know, you don't get no chicken left in any of the KFC's around here.
I heard Mudgee was getting the call up, we need supplies. Yeah, they need supplies.
McDonald's runs out of burgers, everything, like stuff that doesn't usually happen in communities will happen at the knockout weekend because it's so huge. And I remember it like hard over, they were talking at one time that there might have been 15,000 people there on one day when Redfern ran it there a few years ago. That's how big the crowds go there on a Saturday.
It just gets packed, you know, and I expect Tugra to be exactly the same next week. Yeah, well, I look forward to it.
Who are your tips, aside from your own team, who are your tips, who's looking good? Well, I think Walgett last year, the WAC team which George Rose played and Latrell Mitchell played in, Benny Barber played in that team last year. I'm predicting them to go close. They made the final last year, got beaten. They'll be one of the teams. It depends where Andrew Fofita plays because apparently he's taken a lot of the Sharks boys with him. Really? So, you know, I've seen teams, Will Kennedy, Jesse Rameon, Andrew Fofita, Wade Graham, could all appear in the same team.
Three ways. You'd imagine that three ways team. They've had some great sides over the years.
They're going to be strong if Andrew plays there. But this is what the excitement's about, is that you actually don't know who's going to play for who right up until you've seen them run out on the field. So you don't ever sort of count it off, but mate, there's a lot of countrysides, but I'd say Walgett will be one of the favourites. Newcastle Yowies will be really good. Last year they went out really early, but they're always a spectacular team. I'm hearing that Tyrell Sloane and Bud Sullivan and a few of them guys are going there to play. They might have Bradman Best and a few of them Newcastle the Gaggis and Edrick Lee and Brenco Lee and all that play for them. You just don't know, but the Newcastle Yowies, Walgett will be two of the teams.
Josh Shadowcar's got his own team in the Sydney All Blacks. Really? Interesting to see there. They've been training hard. Was this a Rebel team? He's got that young Tyrone Munro there. And it's a lot of the boys from Redfern, La Perouse.
So they're not playing Redfern? Not playing with Redfern.
They're coming up with the Sydney All Blacks. They're not the Redfern All Blacks, the Sydney All Blacks. I think it's to get more of the Sydney boys in, so they'll be a Red Hot team too. So it'll be interesting to see how they go.
Well, I want to make it clear to the listeners at home that Dean Winters has not been sent here to sell this thing.
This excitement is real. And I made the very, very grave mistake of bringing up the Koori knockout to a couple of La Perouse lads that I bumped into the other day. And I can tell you, it was like this. It was exactly like this yarn, except it went for about four hours. Every time I walked within their orbit, they were telling me who they got and what they do.
And we don't ever pick anyone. We only pick people that come from here.
I'll spare his name because...
Are they passionate about that, the La Perouse? They'll be a good team too. They cop a bit of shit, old La Perouse. So I think they're always ready to prove everyone wrong. It's funny the motivating factors too. And La Perouse always gets picked on. So La Perouse wants to be the bad guy.
Well, see, the poor fellas, they're out there. They're the first community that Captain Cook went through to things. So a lot of black fellas will say, you should have kept him out, you know. Couldn't have happened in Morey. So they cop that little slack joke every now and then.
But they're a great football team. Great football team, La Perouse, and they'll be right up there.
They do. They play for their community. They really rip in. Yeah, yeah. See how they go.
Yeah, and I'll be tuning in. I don't know if they've got bookies down there yet. But it's one of those things you never know who's going to win it. I like this theory that you've got to figure out. We've got to keep an eye on where Andrew Kefita's going. And if he is even playing. But, yeah, again, knockout fever. I'm starting to feel it myself.
Thank you for joining us, team winners. Thanks for having us, man. Enjoyed it. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Message_To_Anti_Vaxxers_Scotty_2_0_NSW_Ups_Their_Game_More_August_20 | You're listening to The Betooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to The Betooter Advocate Weekly News Bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy Overill editor of The Betooter Advocate of course I'm joined again by Errol Parker editor at large how are you Errol? I'm always good Clancy let's get into it mate. Wendell how are you the news reader the Kay McGrath of the Diamond Tennis Shire how are you? Yeah very good isolating after a Covid test obviously the state of regional health out here I've been waiting a few days and I might be waiting a few more but that's alright how are you Clancy? Yeah I'm all good mate I'm all good I'm just glad we've got our humble leader David Littleproud local member he's equipped all of our regional hospitals in South West Queensland with exactly what they need should this virus creep north from Walgett I don't think we have anything to worry about there's plenty of nurses and plenty of hospital beds and plenty of ventilators in western Queensland.
Lots of Panadol too. Yeah lots of Panadol lots of sunshine you know.
Arm to the teeth and ready to go alright well let's get into this news wrap with the biggest story we had this week anti-vaxxers complaining about their freedoms have been urged to take a fucking look around. Yeah we spoke to some local anti-vaxxers this week to try and wrap our heads around their behaviour. One of those was a 57 year old more willumbar woman named Keeley Spiritchild who said she's simply trying to fight for freedom against this government who is hellbent on controlling us. The part time beekeeper explained that the government has been oppressing her because they know that she's onto them and all of these public health orders and free medical supplies are just tools to silence her from speaking the truth however with millions and millions of people facing pretty full on problems around the world like rape, murder, torture, starvation and so on Keeley and our other local anti-vaxxers have since been asked by the greater public to just have a fucking look around and reflect a bit on what's going on and reflect a bit on their situation. Look I know that Keeley and her friends you know they all have degrees from the U University of Big Pond they're alumnus of the you know established and well-heeled school of life but look I think Keeley and her friends need to realise that even the University of Big Pond is closed in Afghanistan to women there and I just think maybe she just need to sit back and realise that perhaps things aren't too bad up there in the northern rivers and you know maybe she should get a little bit of perspective. Yes as was pointed out to her and her comrades the fall of Kabul you know has resulted in a generation of people who may or may not have spoken out against the Taliban currently sweating at the fear of the very real possibility of facing I guess you could say repercussions for questioning the Taliban there's a lot of people looking at them and a lot of people sniffing around there's a lot of witch hunts because there are people right now in control of them. Comparatively Keeley's spirit child has not been allowed to go to her local cafe in the northern rivers for a week now and the government has strongly recommended that she take a free immunisation shot that her GP can administer whenever she's ready. Yeah perspective I think is the word there now we put this story out on social media as we tend to do and we did have some University of Big Pond graduates weighing in.
Dane Thomas got himself a few likes in the comments section with this one. Strange logic people's rights are being violated elsewhere therefore you shouldn't have an opinion about your own health. Lots of people fired back at Dane Thomas for that one understandably.
Fair enough. I've seen the term medical tyranny being used a lot as well by you know these are the class of 2021 from the School of Big Pond. I really want to know if COVID-19 has signed on to net zero by 2052 I mean that's I am really concerned about the carbon emissions coming from COVID-19 I think that's one thing that a lot of these liberal governments don't really take into account. A lot of National's, exactly. Matt Canavan areas here in the Batuta Old City district this afternoon. What else have we got in the news today Wendell?
Yeah the Nationals will be offering you a ticket in the Senate soon Errol we're gonna move on to that big story from the Middle East and the US trained Afghan army have failed to defend the US backed Afghan government from the US funded Afghan warlords. That's right the world watched on this week as the Afghan government fell to the Taliban after 20 years of the US and its allies occupying the country. With people from inside and outside of our military asking questions about the merits of the mission and the hasty pullout American President Joe Biden came out to confirm that despite the government failing in a matter of weeks it was a job well done. Yes Scotty offered a similar sentiment back at home as well saying fighting for freedom is always worth it before going on to defend his government's lack of action and getting the people who helped us in Afghanistan out of there. As was pointed out though given how long it took him to get vaccines on our shores it's hardly surprising he failed to process and get all of our Afghan interpreters and allies out of the country in time for the fall of Kabul.
Yeah well it's a bit rich coming from a bloke who's only fought to keep an erection so. And doesn't he look like he would struggle in that pursuit as well. What else is in the news Wendell?
Well we've got some more leadership news the Afghan president has pulled a scomo and fled on an aeroplane while his nation burns to the ground. Yes if you aren't familiar with the term pulling a scomo it's popular expression within Australian vernacular and is used to describe the actions of someone who flees from an unpleasant situation that they are partly to blame for creating and at least responsible for fixing. That's what the Afghan leader did this week as he quietly disappeared out of the country with people clinging to planes as they took off. President Ashraf Ghani quickly ducked onto an aeroplane and fled the country claiming that he wanted to avoid bloodshed with four cars two helicopters full of cash. But media outlets closer to the ground in Kabul are reporting that Ghani left the country with a helicopter full of cash and had to leave some of the money behind as it would not all fit in which isn't exactly a good look for an apparent leader who claims he needed to move quick to avoid bloodshed but he's got his money and he's got out of the country so he's probably doesn't really give two fucks about the optics so uh you know power to him I guess.
Back on home soil and we've got a spicy cough update fuck it let's just skip the 500s altogether says New South Wales this week. Look they're coming for your record here Melbourne. Eyebrows were raised on Wednesday when Berejikli announced the jump from 452 all the way up to 633 cases of COVID-19 in two days with the state confirming they aren't fucking around this week. Yes some more fake news here but Gladys has since announced that the inverted portaloo that is Sydney will be in lockdown until at least the end of September which I think most people will have probably already figured out down there but you know there you go power to them. We have seen a little bit of a lift from Melbourne over the last couple of days though 57 cases today I believe and Dan Andrews is warning there's many more to come.
We're gonna wind up this weekly bulletin with a bit of a lighter story now and Peter Dutton has said that he's thoroughly enjoyed his ISO project of catching and killing Indian minor birds. Yes Wendell he was in a pretty good mood when I spoke to him he explained the reasoning behind his new hobby saying and I quote him. If there's anything I hate more than cane toads it's those bloody Indian minor birds so I thought why not start getting rid of them like many people in Queensland like enjoy killing cane toads to me there is little difference because killing something that has warm blood this is no different I mean it's not any less of a pest. What a extremely weird cunt he is they are pests before any bluehead terrace house residents start blowing up I agree with you Peter I think it's good to see the blokes been actually spending his time doing something worthwhile for once hopefully he keeps it up. Just as long as he keeps it to birds and I hope he kills them like a real man with his bare hands. There you go those comments about warm blood are a little bit concerning for me personally but yeah we'll see see where he goes with that one anyway that's that's all we've got for our weekly news wrap we hope you've enjoyed our coverage of the week of current affairs we're back again in seven days time to talk to you then see you later. Ciao. |
cracked | nasa_uses_an_it_s_always_sunny_in_philadelphia_quote_to_hype_up_moon_landers | NASA quoted one of our country's greatest patriots, Charlie Kelly of It's Always Sunny, to get us excited for the next moon landing. Yep, you heard that right.
Next year, the space agency's Artemis program is scheduled to send its first crewed mission into space with Artemis 2, in which four astronauts will perform a flyby of the moon, circling it and returning to Earth in the first American space mission outside of low Earth orbit since Apollo 17 all the way back in 1972. The goal of the Artemis program is to later make the first lunar landing since Apollo 17, and eventually establish a permanent base on the moon in order to facilitate future human missions to Mars. Earlier this week, the official NASA Artemis Instagram page posted a picture of astronauts Kate Rubins and Andre Douglas as they practiced planting the American flag in full spacesuits. And, as is fitting for the courageous scientists and explorers looking to recreate an iconic moment in American history, they borrowed a beautiful piece of prose from one of our country's greatest poets and patriots. Captioning the photo, Rock, Flag, and Eagle. Rock, Flag, and Eagle. It will descend its first crewed mission into space with Artemis 2, in which four astronauts will perform a flyby of the moon, circling it and returning to Earth in the first American space mission outside of low Earth orbit since Apollo 17 all the way back in 1972. The goal of the Artemis program is to later make the first lunar landing since Apollo 17, and eventually establish a permanent base on the moon in order to facilitate future human missions to Mars. Earlier this week, the official NASA Artemis Instagram page posted a picture of astronauts Kate Rubins and Andre Douglas as they practiced planting the American flag in full spacesuits. And, as is fitting for the courageous scientists and explorers looking to recreate an iconic moment in American history, they borrowed a beautiful piece of prose from one of our country's greatest poets and patriots.
Captioning the photo, Rock, Flag, and Eagle. Rock, Flag, and Eagle. |
dropout | troopers_scareduke | Red Lord Sinister! Incoming message from the Alpha Fleet! Alpha Fleet?
Well, day ruined. Patch him through. Wait, okay. Red Lord Sinister! Ombray! What's up? Scare Duke Devious! To what do I owe the pleasure of your call? More good news for your battles, I bet. Yeah, total bummer. Six hours we only conquered two planets. Up! Scratch that, make that three. Wow, good. Good job. Ugh, don't say the J word, Ombray.
What is it you want? Well, uh, we've been receiving some Mondo distress calls from y'alls. Uh, figured you need some help. Distress calls?
Not from us. My ship is a well-oiled machine full of deadly elite troopers. Sir, Larry spilled orange soda on the console and he won't clean it up. No, no, I didn't actually. Uh, we both spilled it.
Oh my god.
Scare Duke Devious. Larry, it's Scare Duke.
I know, I noticed him first. Same time, agreed.
Please, guys, call me Deebz. Do not call him Deebz.
Sir, I thought you were locked in combat with Torg the Unconquerable. That conquered him. Funny story. So it was banging this hot alien broad. Actually, I was just telling Scare Duke of your bravery. Surely you've done something competent recently in Thrallus.
Oh. Us? Yeah.
Okay, so there was this, uh, this, uh, spy droid and nobody knew where to find it. Spy droid, right? Yeah, Rich was like, ah, I can't see it. Uh, it must have a cloaking device. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A cloaking device.
So at that point, Larry spilled his orange soda all over the console. Yeah. Well, actually, no, uh, we both spilled it. And then we both came up here. Every day, heroes. All right.
Well, let me see if some of these distress calls ring a bell for you. Says here you dudes flooded your ship. Uh, you were enslaved by Damalki and baboons briefly, not briefly, for seven months. And then you ejected all your oxygen. I told you those weren't from us.
Whoa! Me and Culpeh, hombre. Let me make it up to you. We're having a little celebration, luau, in honor of the six seven planets we just conquered. If you want to swing by. I don't have time for your frivolous parties. I have to go interrogate the Elaran princess. Whoa!
She must be a handful. She is but putty in my claws. She's still putty in my claws, right?
Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah, Larry checked on herself this morning. Well, okay. All right.
I'm sending some troopers for you, bro. Let me do this for you. No, no. Do not send anyone. It's scare Duke. Sorry, I can't hear you. They're about to crown the limbo king.
What? It's me? Oh, no, it's me.
You guys are awesome. Unbelievable. Go find the Elaran princess.
My hombres. Sir, are you trying to talk like scare Duke? What? No. You know you two are my hombres. Just go. Yeah, yeah. There we go. Bye. Hombres. |
dropout | if_crossfitters_took_a_yoga_class | Okay, class. Center yourselves. Deep breaths.
Clear the mind. One mind clear. Two mind clear. Three mind clear!
Freeze! You saved my PR. Oh, I'm sorry. I think you guys are in the wrong place.
This is yoga. Yeah. We're CrossFitters. We do CrossFitters. Our doctor said we should try yoga to supplement our cult of injury. I mean CrossFit workouts.
I have the spine of a stegosaurus. Nice.
Okay, we're going to move on to Warrior Pose. Warrior's up!
Hi, sorry.
We do CrossFit. We do do CrossFit. I'm CrossFitter, yeah.
Hashtag beast mode. Look for it.
Let's remember, this is not a race. Wrong! Working out is always a race. Against yourself! And other people.
But do you know that CrossFit is the only way to work out? Such a good cultur. You just said it was a cult. I said cultur. All hail the cultur of CrossFit.
Alright, let's try something very simple. Everyone just lie on your backs, bringing your knees into your chest. This is a great way to release obstructions.
Fish oil pills. I do CrossFit. Don't worry, it's just bile. I haven't eaten in 16 hours. Warrior diet.
Okay, and slowly transition into downward dog. Let's go. And rap.
Conquer your fear. Destroy your doubt. Train like a Navy SEAL, but...
Ah, my kidney! Get out of my studio. For a 10-mile run? Sure. Finish up the wand! Breathe in. Are you alright? My other kidney. Then breathe out. |
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You can look at them for hours. I know because I have, and I'm at work. I haven't done anything today.
With Zillow's mobile app, you can check on the homes you see in your everyday life. Like that one. Not even in 10 years. When you finally find that perfect home, you know, the one that's still an ungodly amount of money but lands within a fake price range you somehow deemed reasonable, Zillow will link you with a real estate agent that's perfect for you. You can even check out other customers' reviews to decide for yourself. I mean, how far am I going to take this? A feature I love is being able to draw an exact map of the area I'm looking at.
Then I start with more expensive homes and work my way down to a more manageable price, you know, a home that doesn't exist. Birthday checks don't make a huge difference in my life. Home ownership is a great investment in the future. But honestly, I can't afford a security deposit right now. Zindia, the toilet is clogged again. Zillow, for most of us, a full-blown fantasy. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kate_mckinnon_snl | In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court, a draft opinion was leaked, which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe V. Wade. So the court is usually careful, but they slipped up just this once, and now they've got to live with it forever. sounds really unfair. The opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito, and he bases his arguments on laws from the 1600s. So it's an outdated opinion from an angry 70-year-old? this shouldn't be a Supreme Court decision. it should just be a Facebook post. the opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bubble. here's how you know. he quotes his own colleague Brett Kavanaugh six times. one for each beer in the pack. he even cites Kavanaugh on Civil Rights, which is like citing Amber Heard on How To Make A Bed. Chief Justice John Roberts said that the leak was, quote, the work of One Bad Apple. One Bad Apple is also another legal argument used in Alito's opinion. as a man, there is no way I can understand the full impact of this issue, But I asked a bunch of women around the office what their personal experience was with abortion, and I got to admit, I learned a lot from the Hr meeting they made me go to as a result. But I do know this ruling will have a disproportionate effect on poor people.
I mean, most Americans don't have access to the same resources that I do. I mean, the average person can't just text Lauren in the middle of the night and say, no, it happened again. I just don't get why Republicans are so against this. I mean, maybe don't think of it as an abortion. think of it as a patriot storming the uterus to overturn the results of an unfair pregnancy. I know your accent. former New York City Mayor and current Rumpel Stiltskin, with you two handy, canceled an appearance before the January 6th committee at the last minute Friday after he was denied a request to record the interview. I assume on a loose Vcr flashing 12 o'clock. there are also unconfirmed reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery.
Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but hey, good luck, cancer. This week, the Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe V. Wade. here to comment is conservative Justice Amy Coney Barrett. Thank you for being here. I am jazzed and juiced. right, I'm guessing you're pretty happy with the draft of the ruling. Well, I don't know what would make you think that other than everything I've ever said, but I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question. right, there was one question. Justice Alito nodded to that. in his opinion. you were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station, no questions asked. That's right, Colin. I just like, I don't understand why you need abortion, because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States.
So, like, what's the big deal? just plop it. just do the nine and plop. just do the what? Yeah, just do your nine, you know? do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk, wrap it up in a little, like a little moses, put it in a little basket, send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know?
It's simple. if you are a murderer, if you have an abortion, you're not a murderer. if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks, then it's good to me. Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that. Well, just give it to a stork, and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think the lesbians would be happy, because now there's more babies for them to adopt until we ban that too. come on, ladies, it's just nine. it's not even ten, so just do your nine and dump. I don't think it's that simple. Well, I have seven children and a job, and I make it work, So why every single other woman can't do the same is beyond me, unless I'm, like, missing something about class in America. Don't answer that. Okay, well, you were also suggesting that we don't need abortion because there's no longer the same stigma against unwed mothers. exactly, exactly. it's like you see a girl, you know, she's pregnant. you're not gonna stone her anymore. you're just gonna be like, hmm, okay. like, if you get pregnant and you're not married, you don't have to go to a spooky convent anymore. you just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that's your nine. stop just saying. that's your nine. Like, what is more traumatic, safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see again because you put it on a ferris wheel? Colin, all I'm saying, these lesbians are gonna have, like, a crapload of babies coming their way. they should be kissing my boobs. I don't think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you're kind of forcing conservative views on the country.
Well, look, the court is not partisan. our spouses, on the other hand, are effing crazy. Speak of, Clarence Thomas' wife, Ginny, has always texted me, she's just, like, in love with me. I'm like, okay, Les, you want a baby? All right, Justice Barrett, well, is there anything else you would like to say? Um, Arby's. We have the babies.
Justice Barrett, everyone. a new report shows that about six million Americans now identify as Afro-latino. Afro-latino is also what spirit Halloween calls their unlicensed Bruno Mars costume. New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. the terrifying signs read simply, entering New Jersey. the Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie, and Carly Simon, which begs the question, what is Rock and roll? A bat used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. the bat is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it as an all-star game and also to get back to his car safely.
Qantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced a new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours. archaeologists have discovered a thousand-year-old drawings in a cave in Alabama, and guys, they're bad. they're really bad drawings. a British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of parliament, which seems pretty tame, considering our congress allows full penetration. colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650.
Yeas to one. Oh-my-god Yay.
Oh, Colin. a 220-carat diamond known as the rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow, 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? it's Huge, man. Happy Mother's Day. a woman at a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. the woman says she's still throbbing and her head feels like it's ready to explode. the record for the world's oldest dog has been broken by a 21-year-old Chihuahua named Timothy Chalamet.
Hey. I'm Colin Jost, good night. |
dropout | st_patricks_day_vs_the_morning_after | Hey, uh, I have a feeling that I'm gonna forget this St. Patrick's Day, and I don't want to so I'm making this video and Hello me What the fuck did you do to me? We are gonna have an epic night, okay? But first I had to come back here to drink our shit because obviously I don't want to dump at a bar Also, let's be honest. I'm probably gonna be laying put in some drunk Irish No, you won't Okay, cuz you and fish you guys are in an LDR, and you're making it work. I don't think you took that shit Okay, I think I think you came here started making this video got distracted and then what what's this? What do we have here you took a shit in a grocery bag? No, Brandon was just texted me. Then he's gonna give me 20 bucks to shave a dick in my head I gotta do it. I'm gonna do you're not gonna do it I'm gonna take that 20 and spend it on beer and also since someone ain't Irish I've decided that tonight is finally the night. I'm gonna get that shammy tattoo right here. Did you really do that?
Okay, good. You're not that stupid. Oh good news. I talked to the dog. Wait what? I got him off these cross-punk kids for a beer. They gave me a dog for a beer Yeah, look at that, look at that, oh man You see his nuts, they're huge This dog reeks man It's like old milk I just had the best idea. Okay, if I look like I already got beat up then when I go out later No one's gonna try to fight.
It's a horrible idea, but at least a black guy makes sense Oh, bro What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing?
What is this 11 missed calls from Trish? What were you doing to her or you're trying to get her to show her boobs on Skype again So you could screen cap it like some pervert stop trying to get sex pictures from her man This is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Trish is me, Trish Trish I've been thinking maybe we should try an open relationship Okay, where I am open to do whatever I want and you're open to that idea. Call me back Never.
Happy St. Fatty's Day. You've gotten fat. Bye God just stop Alright, stop making horrible decisions that I have to deal with Have some water and pass out on the futon and wake up with a hangover and go to work late Just like everybody else Okay, nice shit in the bag Of course you did Yeah, I learned it from those crust-fun kids who sold me the dog That's a different bag. You shit in two bags? Nah, I shit in the other bag. Oh shit.
Who are you? We do stuff. Don't worry, I didn't come Am I gonna get this blowjob any time today? |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Scream_VI | Hello. Let's play a game. You know you're like the tenth guy to try this right?
It never works out for the dipshit in the mask. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at Scream 6, the latest installment in the blockbuster franchise which serves as a frank and moving portrait of the life of a stabby guy. Those often overlooked members of society that we so often pass on the street without a second thought. Building on the events of its 2022 predecessor, Scream 6 follows sisters Samantha and Tara Carpenter, who leave their hometown behind to start a new chapter of their lives in New York City, only to be introduced to a stabby guy that the film so deftly depicts as really no different from you and me. The stabby guy gets up to go to work, stabs stabs stabs, comes home to spend time with his wife and kids, and then stabs some more. Despite the often intense subject matter of the film, Scream 6 handles the nuances of life as a stabby guy with incredible compassion. It refuses to shy away from what stabbing class Americans across the country experience every day. The ones we pass by on public transit and at the grocery store without ever simply pausing to consider who is that stabby guy? The screenwriters of Scream 6 deserve credit for the sensitivity they exhibited with the stabby subject matter. They didn't sugarcoat or downplay the stabby situations this particular stabby guy faces like most big-budget films these days. Rather, they took the stabby guy experience head-on and in doing so elevated the humble stabby guy to something so much more. Having grown up in a family of stabby guys myself, Scream 6 provides a window into the lives of those who came before me, revealing the struggles they had stabbing just to give me a better life. Much like the stabby guy in this film, my grandfather arrived in New York with nothing but a switchblade and a dream, only to toil away, stabbing people in convenience stores just to scrape by. It's hard to think my grandfather stabbing on thanklessly for decades, not because he wanted some sort of recognition, but because stabbing was what he had had to do. The fact that it took this movie to help me realize, I mean really realize, what he stabbed through to take care of our family. Well, I'll never look at my grandpa's stabbing work the same way after Scream 6. That's for sure. In the end, Scream 6 is a stirring exercise in empathy for the unsung stabby guys who never got their due. It's a showcase of humanity that implores us to go out and find the stabby guys in our own lives and embrace them in all their stabby ways. Because as this film reminds us, even a simple stab can go a long way to changing someone's life.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
Wizards_with_Guns | daniel_radcliffe_s_magic_tube_makes_us_uncomfortable_wizards_watch | Oh, that's how it's going to look? I think so. Wait, I'm going to look like that?
Okay, you'll fix it in post. You'll fix this in post.
Hello Whizzlers Is that what we're calling them? What's up guys? How's it going? Alright, that's the best I got so someone else is going to have to do it.
Hey everybody, welcome to Wizards Watch Wide Edition. Today we're going to be watching Now You See Me, suggested by Timothy LaVerbe. If there's anything you want to see us watch next time be sure to comment it down below. We have seen neither Now You See Me nor Now You See Me 2.
We don't know what to do so we're just going to flip a coin. This coin could kill a toddler.
Heads, Now You See Me. Tails, Now You See Me 2. Holy shit! Tails, Now You See Me 2. Perfect.
Before we start please hit the like button before you find out that you do not like this video. I already hate it.
The safe is made of the strongest iron. It can't be sawed through or priored. Yet, loud shrike thinks he's able to escape.
Thaddeus Bradley? That's such a bad thing! That's a name we would come up with for a sketch. In short, his name is Thad Brad.
Hey buddy, you made it, huh? No, see that seat there? That's the best seat in the house.
Is Lionel Shrike the kind of magician who can pull this off? Or is he actually in over his head? Yeah, the dad's the magician.
Oh, he's definitely gonna die. He's literally gonna die. It feels like a dad's about to die moment. I don't want you to go.
Dylan, come on, we talked about that. This is what I do. I'm gonna prove all those naysayers wrong. Besides, I always keep something up my sleeve. He'll be doing this trick sleeveless. Everyone's like, he's like, he's like, really? I forgot my stage name was sleeveless Steve.
298, 299, 300. It's five minutes now. And we have not seen or heard anything from Lionel Shrike yet.
This movie sucks, you watch Spongebob. Spongebob, you killed my dad.
People see the horsemen as noble Robin Hoods. Here's what you know. They robbed a bank in Paris from a stage in Las Vegas. They fleeced an insurance magnet of hundreds of millions of dollars.
Really spoiling the first movie. Why would they do that? I haven't seen that one yet.
Whereas when it comes to hypnotism, the student has almost become the master. I like your confidence, but you might say that you have the better teacher. You know, you're right. You're right. Your teacher definitely doesn't know what he's doing.
By the way, was this your card yesterday? In fact, it was. He didn't finish the magic trick. He's like, pick a card, any card. And then he puts the deck away and goes, okay, thank you. Wait till tomorrow. He waited a year. Was this your card a year ago? We're at my sister's wedding, so if you don't mind. Oh, it was. Sure. Whatever, man. This was his card a year ago.
Keep your voice down. They're saying their vows. You're a lovely couple. Stay the course. Trust that your unique talents and remar- We have a new mission for the horsemen.
Dylan has a plan. Who's Dylan? Who the fuck is Dylan?
This is the problem, man. Why didn't we watch the first movie? I was trying to tell you this. Dylan, tell me what's going on here. I'm the new horseman.
Lulu's been on the underground scene for the last decade. It's mostly the sewers. I'm like a mole magician. I do tricks underground.
Once these phones hit the streets, they'll siphon the user's information to the black market, meaning Okta's selling privacy to up their profit. So, the eyes decided to expose them for it. Our mission is to hijack the show.
He's the person who's behind everything, and he's been helping them out. He's another magician as well. So, the cop is one of the horsemen also.
This speech is about freedom. That's what we're trying to sell here, is freedom. Which part of that do you not understand for goodness sake? Mr. Case, uh, John's from legal.
Just need your signature for release. Thank you so much. I'd be like, what am I signing? This says I'm gonna give away all my money to a bunch of magicians. I'm not gonna sign.
I can also tell you're wearing four layers of clothing, each with a different varying worker at this facility. Is that a deck of cards? I feel from your face you're freaked by the flow of blood, which is fully fixable in a snack. By focusing and following the flow of my words as you're flowing and floating, which is why you're focusing on my command. Stop snapping in my ear, that hurts.
Imagine everyone in your friend group could hypnotize each other. I wouldn't hang out with a hypn- At any point in the movie, Mitch, fart. Before we start the show, we had Owen agree to a few terms and conditions of our own. So everything that he had once considered private- As the Horsemen like to say, magic is about controlling perception.
Everyone get off the stage. Abort. Oh fuck! Did you fall out of the chair? I almost died.
There's a fifth Horseman, and he's the biggest criminal of them all. FBI agent Dylan Rhodes.
I knew it. What? This is so much deeper than you know, boss. You think you're looking at one thing, but you have no idea. Who are you? Same man I've always been. Boys, I'm sorry. Wait.
So he was a magician? He was a magician.
Oh my God. Get in the truck, come on! Is there supposed to be a truck? Where the hell are we? You went down the wrong tube. You're crazy! Sorry.
At least, and I know this isn't much consolation, but apparently we're now surrounded by Chinese food, right? Guys, I think where we are right now, they don't refer to it as Chinese food. It's just called food.
Wait, what are you saying? How is this possible? I believe in your particular parlance. The word is magic. It's him but with veneers and a blowout. This is my twin brother, Chase. Wait, did you do this?
They don't call them Chinese guns here. Here, I think it's just called guns. And you know what they say, what happens in Macau? Well, I don't know the rest of it because it's in Chinese. Hey, thanks guys. They don't call this Chinese music. They just call it Chinese.
You're a wizard, Harry. He is! You're a stage magician, Harry. Do I get to go to a cool school that's like a castle? No, you get to go to the Vegas of China, Harry. Magicians like to control other people's perceptions. In your heightened state of agitation, you saw the simplest cubes, black tube, roof, and your minds filled in the rest.
The tube you meant to go down was 20 feet to your right. Wait a minute, there's a sign on this tube that says, to China. This shouldn't go down this tube. This is the China tube. Well, in China, they don't call it a China tube.
What if like three other times he sent them down the tube and they didn't awake when they landed in the bin and impacted, it's like, all right, bring them back up. Bring them back up, bring them, do it again. Do it, I'm Daniel Radcliffe. Put them in the tube!
The man you stole from last year, turns out I had invested quite a lot of money in some of his companies, so a lot of what you stole was in fact mine. The good news is, it's very easy for you to pay me back. I just need your skills for a chip that's not just a key to one computer, but every computer system on the planet. It can unencrypt anything, crack the defense firewall, manipulate markets, and spy on anyone. You could even wear a white suit.
And now it's being sold to the highest bidder. If you're so rich, why don't you just buy it? Why would I buy it when I can have you steal it for me?
Oh. Why doesn't the hypnotist just, this guy, so fed, just, I know. Just sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Okay, wake up. Nobody had the fortitude to be- I was in a tube. Anyone who watches this movie wakes up in China.
Alright, so the lab is made up of two distinct layers, the security perimeter and the clean room. The stick we're looking for should be in this core, so we're going to have to get underneath, extract it, and replace it with a decoy. Now, we're about to get to the chip. This is the thing about the chip, it's very thin.
Luckily, it's similar in weight and size to a playing card. It's such a magic-themed shape. So convenient. It's the exact shape of a rabbit in a hat. The microchip we need is the exact shape of a rubber chicken. Good thing I'm a rubber chicken expert.
Search him, please. Didn't we just do one? Is that Hitler? Hitler's greatest magic trick was growing back the rest of his mustache. Why would he pass it to him after he got searched thoroughly, hit it, and then threw it to another person who was just being searched?
This is the most ridiculously dumb... It's kind of sick, though. The first time... You will think this is cool. Oh my god, this is fucking amazing, guys! I'm just imagining catching, like, a glimpse of the... A glimpse of his penis. He gets, like, a really quick...
Sir, I think you stole my wallet. Remember, I gave it to you when I came in. It would be nice to leave with it. Wallet coming through. Sorry, my belt.
As they're leaving, the alarm's like... They're like, somebody stole my gong! The gong is gone! Sir, there's been an emergency. Why didn't you bring the gong?
That's just the thing, sir. Science beats magic. So, the stick... No. Stop, Dylan! You really think I'm gonna walk away from you? Give me the stick. Give me it.
He's Mark Ruff blowing it up. He's getting Mark Ruff. Go to hell. I just don't picture Mark Ruffalo as the action star. I see him as the Hulk.
When my father died, your insurance company died, my mother claims... I wouldn't even have known who your mother was. Funny thing is, I have seven so-called legitimate children. Sniveling, snobbish, stupid runs. I have one illegitimate child who is a lot like me.
It's just a shame this one has the smallest penis. He's like, stop! Don't say that! I kind of look like a cool science guy who hates magic. I tell him I have a tiny dick. Bad. It's okay, son, it's very small. It's flat and rectangular. Kind of like a... ...praying car.
Cast your mind back to standing by the banks of the river, watching your father descend. Disgraced and discredited, the horrid psychic pain as you have relived for years. I felt that same thing two years ago, as you drained not just my father's fortune but his dignity. And yet you took pleasure from it. This should bring back some childhood memories. When you took all my dad's money, that made me really mad. I felt as bad as when your dad died.
That's what he just said to him. I'm gonna kill you with a safe. Your dad's in here. Oh my god! He's dead? You're as dumb as your dad. Who's dead by the way? I'm as evil as your dad is dead. You ready? Over to you.
Put him in a magic safe. This is the only type of safe you can get out of. Let's put this magician in a magic safe, he'll definitely die. He won't know a way out.
It wouldn't have been his whole life to figure out how his dad died and how he could solve it. This is the best police that I could do. It was a hell of a lot less you could have done. That was not an option.
You took a bullet for us, it was huge. You really did, man. Thanks for pulling me out, seriously. You got yourself out. We did the easy part. Surely in my case I was just standing on the shore while Atlas jumped down and got you.
She's the funny one. New Year's Eve, London. We will be performing a series of shows that all connect to our big finale, so pay close attention to each trick.
You, fly. Check your fly.
That's my dick! Let's kill him. I ripped the head of my dick off. First I was a dick, then I was a bird, and now it's dead.
Okay, feeling fear, fear. He looks like Joel Osteen. He's like the worst and best part about this movie right now. Woody Harrelson is great in this film, but the other Woody Harrelson is garbage. I hate him. You hate him? Woody's manhandling each other.
Yeah, like there's so much slight, implied slight of hand happening. I know, I know. Everything's always like...
I'm so sorry I bumped into your pocket, sir. I didn't mean to bump into the edge of your sock. Stop doing slight of hand, I know what you're doing. Get those lights out of my eyes. Stop your hat.
Do you know what you wanted? So, just me and your life, let's go? Knowing what you know about us? No. You sure? Chase, what should we do?
Toss him out. I love how they just keep non-descriptly trying to kill magicians. If you want to kill a magician, don't just sink him in a river, don't throw him out of a plane, just shoot them in the face. You gotta watch a magician die. You have to watch the moment they take their last breath. One of them has already faked his death.
They are instantly relaxing so much, they're like, ah, it's over. What the hell's going on? They simulated a plane. No.
All of you people around the Thames here, and since we're streaming live, then everyone around the world already knows everything. These fellows here are the ones left in the dark. So let's see how closely you are watching our show. What if one of the four horsemen, like, he was afraid of public speaking? As you know, we are, as you know, we are magicians. There's always something down, up our sleeves. Fuck. Now I see me. You liked this movie, you liked this movie, you thought this was a great movie.
It's over. We quit. We're quitting on Now You See Me 2.
This is our opus. One, I had a good time. Two, I'm here with my two best buds. Three, well, what? Three, be sure to subscribe. Hold on. I've been here with my best friend, Mitchell, Nance, and Frank.
Do you want to go get drinks later, Michael? Yes. Well, well, no, no. I'm probably just going to go see Now You See Me 2, so, like, you won't want to come. You just watch that. Yeah, I mean. We've been friends for what? I think I'm going to do the same thing. Different places though.
Mitch, can you do the subscribe? Subscribe. Like, the details. I will. Subscribe. Oh, and we have a Patreon, so if you want to see more content and support us, we would really appreciate it. And check out our sketches coming out weekly.
We have a TikTok. It's better. It's fine. And for our final trick, we're going to disappear. |
dropout | reindeer_std | Oh man, that was one epic party last night. I saw you run off into the woods with Jessica Fluffytale. She's the hottest reindeer around. Oh you know it dude. We were going at it right. And then I did my patented move, the Antler's Surprise. First I dunk my antlers and eggnog. Then I go- Woah woah, you and Jessica? She's worked more chimneys than Santa on Christmas Eve.
I hope you wore a condom dude. Oh well I was about to right? But then she started jingling my sleigh bells and I totally forgot. Dude, how could you not wear a condom in today's world?
I always make sure to have plenty on hand. Look at the size of those things. They're like individually wrapped contact lenses.
Haha yeah whatever man, at least my mistletoe isn't gonna fall off. If I were you, I'd go see Santa and get tested. Yeah that's a good idea. My self pole's starting to itch. So uh, what's the test to say Santa? Well let me ask you this.
Did you wrap your present before stuffing it in the stocking? Huh? A condom. Genius, did you use a condom? Oh well no actually. I was in the middle of doing my move.
The antler's surprise. Yeah I'm familiar with the antler's surprise and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop ruining my eggnog.
But seriously, how could you not wear a condom? I've been with the Mrs. for as long as I can remember and we still make sure to have plenty of condoms on hand.
Good gravy! Santa's packing a Yule log! Wow, I think I could use one of those as a sleeping bag.
Yes it's quite impressive. Anyway it looks like you've got yourself an STD. Let's go see Dr. Snowman. He might be able to prescribe something for you. Looks like somebody's been doing the ol' antler's surprise. Yeah yeah I know.
Look, do you have anything to make this go away? Hahaha, no. No, I've got some stuff that can reduce the itching but you'll still get the occasional flare up. That's my only option? Well it's either that or I can freeze the whole thing off. Okay, I'll take that as a no. I don't even know you managed to make the naughty list.
I got you a present anyway. Hey thanks Santa! I thought for sure I was getting a lump of coal this year.
Hahaha!
Actually another symptom of your STD is a lumpy coal discharge. It's extremely painful. Oh. |
cracked | that_time_a_famous_explorer_literally_bombed_a_dr_doolittle_movie_cracked_fiend | fucking hell, am I allowed to swear in these? Yeah. I should check. I apologise to the Americans watching this, it's hard to talk over here. Oh yeah, please fuck me.
The original Dr. Doolittle was attacked by terrorists. Wait, what? Animal terrorists? No, actually one of the world's greatest living explorers went and blew up the set about a year into the movie.
Who is this guy? I think I might know them. Um, his name is... I'm gonna... Is it Raynall Fines? Yes. I know this story, but I didn't know the context for it.
Is it that he blew up the dam? He did, so they made a dam because, um, they wanted a pond to look bigger, until I guess that's... Can I just fucking find a bigger pond? Yeah, well, this is 1966, I guess, and there's no CG, so the only way they're gonna make a big pond is to build a literal dam. Apparently, the whole town where they were filming was getting really pissed because they made them take down all their antennas, like the TV antennas, so it would look more quaint, and there was a lot more traffic and stuff than normal because it's like this cute little fishing village or whatever. And then this guy was in the SAS, and he was like, you know what, I don't want to deal with it anymore, so he and a bunch of guys went over and just blew up the dam. I've seen the interview with him when he talks about this, and they asked him, how did you get the explosives to blow up a dam, as well as a demolition expert? So much of an expert that I knew how to blow things up without using all the explosives they gave me, so I saved a little bit, and a little bit more, and then eventually I had enough to blow up a dam.
And that's all he said, and that guy is such a fucking badass, because he also cut his own fingers off with a hacksaw, because he was exploiting Antarctica or something like that, and he got frostbite in his fingers, and his doctor told him, well, your fingers are gone, but you need to just leave them for as long as you can, so he can save as much of your flesh as possible, which has started to go necrotic at that point, and Reynolds finds like, I can't deal with the pain. So he went into his back garden and cut his own fingers off with a hacksaw, and then went to the hospital. How much must it have hurt, though, that cutting the fingers off with a hacksaw was a solution that he saw as being the better one? I think it's crazy that the SAS wasn't able to keep track of how many explosives were being used. Then again, would you question the man who, years later, would cut his own fingers off with a hacksaw? If that guy told me that he'd use all the explosives, I'm not going to question it, because I don't want to have to interrogate him, because he sounds like someone who's not going to crack.
And I feel like in some small way, Reynolds finds was trying to save us, in the future, just from those horrible, horrible sequels to the Eddie Murphy reboot. It's amazing to me that this guy who went on to be the Antarctica thing, he's the first person to ever go all the way across Antarctica on foot by himself. But it's crazy that the first big achievement that he had was seeing the Dr. Doolittle movie, being like, I want to blow this movie up. There's an argument to be made that he was trying to save the main actor, because this was pre-CG animals.
So they had a bunch of, like, actual animals on set, and apparently, like, even before the dam exploded, they were already way behind, because animals were just, like, shitting everywhere and, like, pissing all over the actor, Rex Harrison. Apparently, they kept drinking, like, quarts of paint. So they were actively trying to kill themselves. They also didn't want to be a part of the Dr. Doolittle movie. What do you do as a fucking animal wrangler? It's like, I'm sorry, but all my animals ain't paint.
It's, like, that legendary moment of British television, because I can talk about it, you're American, you won't be aware of this, but it's a legendary moment in British television, where the show Blue Peter brought on a small elephant, and this show was filmed live. It was not filmed live much after that, because this elephant, as elephants and ones who've just started shitting and pissing everywhere, live on camera and just careening around the set, as the hosts, like, what do we do about this? This elephant would just not stop shitting everywhere.
That's the same show as well, where they had an idea for kids who maybe lived in areas where they couldn't have a pet. They'd have a pet on the show. This is a true fucking story. They had a show pet, and the idea would be kids at home who didn't have their own pet would feel like this was their pet.
And they got a dog, and the dog died off, like, the first episode. Oh, my God. That's like, what do you do? That's so wrong. Those poor kids watching that show was like, oh, I wonder how the dog's doing today. Oh, it died. Oh, it would take an entire episode of itself to explain, and I could already feel the audience slipping away from our grass. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_12_Years_A_Slave | Days ago I was with my family, in my home, and all is lost.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at the new movie 12 Years a Slave, a historical drama based on the incredible true story of a free black man who was kidnapped and sold into slavery for over a decade. Starring LeVar Burton in the iconic role of Kunta Kinte, 12 Years a Slave is a sprawling epic that chronicles an emotional story of hardship and survival. Michael Fassbender and Benedict Cumberbatch are simply excellent in their roles as white slave owners, as is Whoopi Goldberg who co-stars as one of Kunta Kinte's close female acquaintances who is forced to battle the segregation and sexism of life in the early 1900s and escape her cruel and abusive husband. Equally powerful are the performances by Oprah Winfrey, who appears as herself, and Anthony Hopkins, who plays former U.S. President John Quincy Adams. In one of the film's defining moments, Hopkins delivers a moving speech that not only saves Kunta Kinte from slavery, but frees Whoopi Goldberg from her husband and helps Oprah reconcile with the poltergeist spirit of her deceased daughter. The most captivating performance in 12 Years a Slave comes from Denzel Washington, who appears as civil rights leader Malcolm X in his inspirational attempt to coach a racially divided high school football team in Alexandria, Virginia. Washington is truly unforgettable in every scene he is in, whether he is inspiring football players on the field, delivering a moving speech at a civil rights rally, or threatening a criminal in a back alley with his partner, played by Ethan Hawke. It is a sobering film, but 12 Years a Slave is not without its moments of levity, provided mostly by Tyler Perry in a minor but memorable role as a quick-witted matriarch who provides wise and thoughtful pieces of advice to Kunta Kinte, Malcolm X, and John Quincy Adams. Ultimately, 12 Years a Slave is a truly inspiring film, and I think Sammy Davis Jr. will finally get the Oscar he so rightly deserves. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | Glenn_Beck_Appears_In_Revealing_Documentary_About_Brooke_Alvarez_s_Childhood_As_Russian_Cosmonaut | Welcome to the fact zone before we get started tonight I'd like to address something that's been in my sights a documentary entitled from space girl to news tyrant the brook alvarez story aired on public Television last night and it addressed certain points from my past that I hope would never come to light Many of you do know that I was born in Russia and spent my childhood there But what you may have not known until now is that I became the first ever Russian child cosmonaut in 1971 In his rush to be the first nation to put a child into orbit the soviet government sent me into space I spent three weeks in a tiny poorly insulated capsule with very little food or water This is true and this documentary is out there.
So well, we might as well take a look Bronislav Alexeyev now known as brook alvarez was forced to fight tooth and nail for her survival against a vicious chimpanzee named Mr. Dimitri a lab animal launched along with the young alvarez to compete against her in cruel Experiments the experience changed her forever She was such a pretty happy little girl, but when she came from space She changed she was hard We were Terrified she always had awful night terrors always about Chimpanzee she would scream all through the night Mr. Dimitri, no Stop biting me.
Stop biting me.
It's about six years ago.
I was you know coming in to read for the position of fact zone anchor When my car was pushed off the road and into a ditch.
I Still wonder if it was Brooke I've heard that most of her scalp is skin grafts, which explains all the weird little colloquialisms She uses like some days the chimp rips all the hair out of your head and some days you brutally murder the chimp You |
cracked | apple_israeli_chefs_obama_platypuses_news_for_2_13_08 | It's Wednesday, February 13th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and it's Shider. Got it. And I think he even starred in the Shider House Rules. Former child star Gary Coleman announced that he secretly married a 22-year-old woman. Witnesses who attended the ceremony called it the shortest wedding they had ever seen.
Apple yesterday released an update to their operating system, OS 10.5.2. The update does not improve the performance of the operating system at all. Instead, it just cracks private jokes with the user about how it's not Windows Vista.
Asian chefs in Israel went on strike yesterday to protest Israel's plans to remove foreign chefs from the country. They refused to cook any spring rolls or egg rolls, and plan not to cook any sushi next week. That's fine. I like my sushi uncooked. Anyway, the point is, Israel needs to start showing appreciation for their foreign chefs and stop calling them Islais. That's not funny, Israel. It should be Israerys. That's the better joke. The writer's strike is officially over. I guess I'll stop improvising the entire show starting on Friday. Platypuses are funny, right?
Barack I'm Not Bin Laden Obama has taken the delegate lead in his efforts to get on top of Hillary Clinton. Barack it's not possible to get on top of Clinton.
Just ask Bill. What? I mean Bill Richardson. He tried valiantly, but couldn't... never mind. A Wisconsin man passed the one million mile mark in his 1991 Chevy pickup. Man, if those wheels could talk, they'd probably say, ouch ouch ouch there's a fucking truck on top of me. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Friday to see if I mispronounce any more wards. |
dropout | awkward_historical_moments | ask not what your country can do for you ask what you can like for example if your country if your country wanted a muffin or a kidney bean pie that would or not that country can get hungry upping to lose five seconds do you feel so good to see those commie bastards cry he's on the moon and then these little sucker marks it's practically standing still now and it's burst into flames it burst into flames this is the worst of the worst oh that's humanity well not the humanity i forget what i was trying to say travesty baby humanity just means people why did i say humanity oh the the people what that doesn't make sense all right you're not going to physically ask the country anything this is getting so much more complicated than it needs to be that's one small step for man one giant leap for mankind that's one small step for man already said that what just said that i told you that line 10 minutes ago in the spaceship and you said it was stupid yeah i know i changed my mind okay you can change your mind but like you can't really just go back and no i can do whatever i'll use to let the record show i said it first noted neil said it first today i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth well i mean i guess i could be luckier like if i kept all the baseball luck and never got this disease that would be one way i could be luckier right off the bat wow okay quick recap help your country will help you possibly cool all right thanks oh i told you that line 10 minutes ago in the spaceship and you said it was stupid yeah i know i changed my mind okay you can change your mind but like you can't really just go back and no i can do whatever i'll use to let the record show i said it first noted neil said it first today i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth well i mean i guess i could be luckier like if i kept all the baseball luck and never got this disease that would be one way i could be luckier right off the bat wow okay quick recap help your country will help you possibly cool all right thanks |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_angelina_jolie_saturday_night_live | Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on charges of armed robbery because witnesses claim it is actually a man who turned himself into a goat, which should be a real challenge for Hotshot District Attorney Jack Madigan. ["laughter"] Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef in Japan sickened Seven Diners Tuesday, probably because the chef used the testicles from these blowfish. ["laughter"] Police in Switzerland said Thursday that they discovered a large marijuana plantation while using Google Earth. it's called Jamaica. ["laughter"] A woman in Thailand broke her own record by spending 33 days with 5,000 scorpions, not as impressive as it sounds when you consider that. For the final 17 days, she was dead. it was revealed on Thursday that the California woman who gave birth to octuplets this week already has six other children. Hey, Sweet Pea. what? Angelina Jolie. Whoo! what are you doing here? I heard someone had eight babies. does she want all of them? ["laughter"] Yeah. yeah, I mean, I think she does, Yes. where's Amy? Oh, she left. did you take her baby with her? Yeah, she did. too bad, I could always use a new baby. ["laughter"] So, um, are you excited about the Oscars? Bye. Okay. Angelina Jolie, everybody.
Oliver Perkovich, a 34-year-old Australian man, says he plans to open Skatistan, Afghanistan's first skateboarding school. And in a follow-up story, Skatistan is now closed, said the chopped-off head of Oliver Perkovich. Tomorrow is Super Bowl 43, in which the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals will open for Springsteen. Nbc, which is broadcasting the game, has rejected a Super Bowl ad from the Animal Rights organization Peta because it depicts sexy lingerie-clad models being intimate with a vegetable. So sort of like the girls next Door. |
dropout | hardly_working_freestyling_interns | Ugh, employee evaluations.
I know, I'm not really worried though. I mean, Ricky loves us. No, Ricky loves those freestyling interns. He just kind of likes us. Okay, am I the only guy who doesn't like those freestyling interns? I mean, they're talented and whatever, but they don't do shares.
Uh, what's up guys? How goes it? Hey guys, Ricky here. Uh, thanks for coming in.
I'm stuck on this water skiing trip, so I'm having the interns do employee evaluations. I fill them in on all the pertinent information. How could you just fill them in? They don't know.
Jeff, I get so many emails flooding into me, questioning your masculinity. One reads complaining, he looks kind of like a gay wizard in training. But seriously, I don't mean to pick a fight, but you are straight up straight women Christianites.
Ah, damn. I'm sorry, man. I'm letting you know. Your jokes are rejects from the Jimmy Fallon show. That's right, buddy boy.
How do you do it? How do you rise above all this douchebaggery? Douchebaggery.
Seriously, Sarah, I love everything that you do, boo. I love your cute face and that beautiful moon. That's right, girl. You got me feeling hot and sticky.
Why don't you ditch these fools and come and chill with UTK? Uh, Ricky? I meant Ricky.
All right, yo, Streeta. I'm not joking. Stop smoking and shave. This is college humor. It's not the clan of the Bear Caves. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Man, you about to get checked next. You wanna ball, man? Get some respects. Here's the sad truth. This ain't the rumor. You the WNBA of college humor.
Up your productivity. You guys need anything? Like some coffees or tea? Coffee'd be great if you're going.
Oh, and thanks, Ricky. We'll be back tomorrow, like 11-ish. That was great, guys. See you on Monday, okay? Cool, thanks. See, you guys, I told you ain't nothing to worry about. Nerdy, nerdy. Fuck you. Come on, teens.
The bosses need their caffeine. Gotta make them with sugars and a couple of creams. Yeah, a couple of creams cause we was talking the butts. That room without Sarah is chock full of nuts. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, what? That's the jam.
That was incredible, huh? Thank you. Oh my God, you're so good at this. Oh my God, thanks.
Can I have my coffee? It's so sweet. Actually, could you make Jeff his coffee? Cause he asked for it like 20 minutes ago. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_alaska_airlines_ad_snl | As You may have heard, an Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing after a cabin door broke off. Here At Alaska, safety is our number one concern. But You gotta admit, look pretty cool. Plane Flying around, no door. Everyone's screaming, cell phones whipping out into the sky. It was awesome. That's why our new slogan is, Alaska Airlines, you didn't die and you got a cool story. On Other airlines, you can watch movies, but on Alaska, you're in the movie. And If you think Alaska the state is cold, just wait till our plane's roof rips off. Since The incident, we're starting to make some changes. You Know those bolts that hold the plane together? We're gonna go ahead and tighten some of those. We've also made a few small updates to our in-flight safety brochure. And For extra precaution, we'll now be taking off with the inflatable slide already deployed. When People ask me where the emergency exits are, I'm like, there, there, and in ten minutes, probably there. You Know how Hawaiian Airlines always gives out leis when you land? Well, we've got our own version. Are We in Cleveland? Close. The Pacific Ocean. And To make everyone feel safer, we've hired Sully out of retirement. I don't know if I can do it again. He's a lot older now. I was on that flight. At the time, I was terrified. But Now, I'm the coolest person at the office. Everyone Stopping by my cubicle all want to know about that little boy whose shirt got sucked out the plane. Some Airlines give you a little wing pin when you get off the plane, but Alaska gives you a commemorative photo of your flight. This was $50. So Fly Alaska. Fly Alaska. We're the same airline where a pilot tried to turn off the engine mid-flight while on mushrooms. And Now we're so proud to say that's our second worst flight. Alaska Airlines, still better than Spirit. |
cracked | how_an_urban_legend_became_cracked_s_cousin_and_maybe_mailed_us_anthrax_wait_a_minute_what | Happy New Year! More like 2020, the extended edition. It's long since we had any hope.
As we were thinking of some strange nostalgia phenomenon for this New Year's episode, we remembered Bat Boy. You know, the little hybrid boy Bat Child allegedly found in a cave that terrified people on the cover of our nation's tabloids in every grocery store checkout line in the early 90s. He was an evil creature who was constantly escaping our nation's top protected government labs, ready to terrorize us at any given second. Well, upon digging more into the history of this Bat Child, we eventually discovered that we cracked. We're kind of complicit in creating him. Whoops! Bat Boy was a half-bat, half-boy, all-hunk hybrid creature who was found in a cave in West Virginia by government officials in the early 70s. However, he was kept as a very confidential government secret and only formally shared with the American public in June 1993. Who was this so-called Bat Boy and how could something so unnatural even exist and why was our government hiding it from us? If you were alive in the early 90s during the height of the Bat Boy craze, you probably remember seeing this little guy all over the place.
Up until the late 90s, a tabloid called Weekly World News was dominating our nation's grocery store checkout lines with predominantly made-up stories and billing them as factually true. Or at least they didn't go out of their way to state that they weren't true. In fact, they pretty much doubled down with the slogan, Nothing but the truth, which is a huge red flag. You don't need to say something is true if it inherently is.
It's kind of like me reminding you that it's absolutely true that I'm married to Mark Ruffalo. I don't need to remind you because it's true. It's an inherent fact and that's how the truth works. I'm just, I'm flattered.
Weekly World News was making up outlandish stories on the regular. They used huge sensational headlines and big bold fonts that would capture our attention in lines and hopefully inspire and impulse buy. These stories aided to a multitude of common conspiracies. Remember at the time we had no idea that these articles were fake despite their overt outlandishness and we didn't have the internet to help fact check us. So we pretty much took it all at face value.
Oh, we were so cute and naive in the 90s. That's definitely a thing we grew out of. What the hell have you guys been doing for 30 years?
So most of America thought that there was a real little Bat Boy out there flying around all by his lonesome terrorizing people because he himself isn't loved by anyone. Bat Boy quickly became a kind of anti-hero who we were obsessed with knowing everything about. In fact, the debut Weekly World News issue that featured his face on the cover was one of the most sold issues in the magazine's history. Bat Boy tapped into whatever it is about our psyches that upon seeing something horrifying, we're totally unable to look away from. As our obsession with Bat Boy unfolded, so did his increasingly intricate backstory printed in the magazine for issues to come more comics as well as legends periodically revealing to us the Bat Boy saga.
The story goes that a scientist named Dr. Ron Dillon found Bat Boy in a hellish cave in West Virginia. And upon further studies, he concluded that Bat Boy was about 10 years old, his father a bat and his mom, a woman, human named Susan Boyd. He's not like any other human being I've ever seen. Dr. Dillon goes on to explain that he's a relic from the 17th century when Bat People hybrids lived in full colonies and actually existed. Dr. Dillon warns us that Bat Boy is a danger to humankind because he drinks blood from a crazy straw, which seems counterintuitive to having sharp teeth. That detail seems kind of wacky.
The Bat Boy continuum went on and on for years as we followed Bat Boy in a plethora of scenarios. While his usual stories depicted him getting captured by scientists, getting put into labs, making great heroic escapes, getting captured again and then escaping again over and over, there were other even kookier stories such as Bat Boy Bites Santa Claus, where I assume Bat Boy attacks someone we know and love, and Bat Boy Behind Bars, where I assume he pays the price for it, and Batty Mitzvah, where Bat Boy goes from Bat Boy to a Batman. Holy shit, is that Batman's actual origin? Anyway, there are so many strange story titles I can go on forever because apparently the Bat Boy legend is never ending. In our minds, Bat Boy became a sort of fan fiction saga based on the actual story, blurring all the lines and becoming too meta for any of us to even handle. Bat Boy became so ingrained in our culture that we not only followed his story and the comics based on his life, but he appeared everywhere from TV shows, to eventually an off-Broadway musical called, you guessed it, Bat Boy the Musical. Bat Boy officially became the weekly world news' mascot, and when the magazine ceased its print edition in 2007, Neil McGinnis, an old fan of the magazine, purchased the company to continue a new online publication under the official name, Bat Boy LLC. Even the cave where Bat Boy was allegedly found in Lewisburg, West Virginia, remains a tourist destination to this day. Steve Silverberg, the current owner of the cave touring company Lost World Caverns, actually provided the helmets, cabiniers, and other equipment that was used in Bat Boy the Musical's opening number, and fully embraces the lore of Bat Boy. Okay, so if Bat Boy didn't crawl out of a cave in the 70s, where did he come from?
Well cartoonist Dick Culpo was illustrated for Weekly World News when he was asked one day to create a space alien baby, and he did. Culpo's managing editor at the time put away the drawing for weeks and forgot about it. He apparently states that he was tired of alien baby stories, a common theme for the magazine, and wanted something different, which seems like the entire vibe of that place.
I can only imagine what it was like working there. I'll paint a scene for you.
Hey cartoonist, draw us a baby alien so we can make up a weird story about it. And the cartoonist is like, okay, here you go. And then the boss is like, hey, why'd you draw another baby alien? We have too many baby aliens and I'm tired of seeing them. And the cartoonist is like, whoa, I drew a baby alien because you asked me to draw a baby alien.
This is a toxic work environment and I hate it here, except I can't say anything about it because I need this job, so I guess I'll just draw something else. Wow, working there probably sucked.
So Culpo finagled the drawing a few more times and eventually drew up the sharp tooth, black eyed, little monster we love and fear today. Culpo claims that after having created Bat Boy, it was still weeks before the magazine's publisher even decided to use the drawing. But when they finally did, BAM! They sold almost a million copies of that one issue alone, putting Culpo on the map as a cartoonist.
Okay, and what does Cracked have to do with it? Well, please don't be mad at me, but it's nothing really.
Except that after Culpo's 10 years at the Weekly World News, eventually becoming the art director and having co-created this iconic character, Culpo went on to acquire Cracked magazine and began publishing again after its sporadic releases in the 90s. He bought Cracked back from 2000 to 2004, giving it a new voice and making it comic focused, although still only releasing a few issues before reaching its nadir when they pretended cheap trick guitarist Rick Nielsen was their new publisher. Shockingly, that publicity stunt didn't last enough to save the Cracked magazine and it wasn't quite the comeback he and Cracked magazine had hoped.
Theoretically, in the loosest of terms, Bat Boy is our weird pop culture baby brother that we never asked for. But our relationship with Bat Boy isn't entirely benign.
In 2001, Cracked, along with a bunch of other niche tabloid magazines, were targeted by the Anthrax scare. This may sound like something that the Weekly World News might publish, but no, Cracked actually was near the heart of the Anthrax attack at American Media Inc. And because Cracked shared the same building with them, we were fully investigated by the FBI. It eventually led to all our archival photographs stored in our office having to be destroyed because of contamination. So who sent the Anthrax? Was it an attempted attack on our nation's most niche tabloid magazines?
Or was it Bat Boy himself seeking revenge? I can see the headlines already. Bat Boy and the Bad Powder. Or Bat Boy is a bad boy. Or Bat Boy attacks the only living family he has.
I guess we'll never know.
Do you remember Bat Boy? Were you in on the hype? Or are you Bat Boy? And you're watching this and you're like, what are people saying about me these days? Comment below and hit that like and subscribe button.
I have to go because me and my husband, Mark Ruffalo, we have tickets to dinner theater. I know it's like dinner theater and times like these. Mark Ruffalo loves dinner theater. You know, in between his push-ups and like fighting for democracy and like filming the Hulk and testling his perfectly soft curls. Dinner theater. He loves it.
Up until the late 90s, a tabloid called Weekly World News was dominating our nation's grocery store checkout lines with predominantly made up stories and building them is factually true. Or at least they didn't go out of their way to state that they weren't true. In fact, they pretty much doubled down with the slogan, nothing but the truth, which is a huge red flag. You don't need to say something is true if it inherently is.
It's kind of like me reminding you that it's absolutely true that I married to Mark Ruffalo. I don't need to remind you because it's true. It's an inherent fact and that's how the truth works. I'm just, I'm flattered.
Weekly World News was making up outlandish stories on the regular. They used huge sensational headlines and big bold fonts that would capture our attention in lines and hopefully inspire and impulse buy. These stories aided to a multitude of common conspiracies. Remember, at the time we had no idea that these articles were fake despite their overt outlandishness and we didn't have the internet to help fact check us. So we pretty much took it all at face value.
Oh, we were so cute and naive in the 90s. That's definitely a thing we grew out of. What the hell have you guys been doing for 30 years?
So most of America thought that there was a real little Batboy out there flying around all by his lonesome terrorizing people because he himself isn't loved by anyone. Batboy quickly became a kind of anti-hero who we were obsessed with knowing everything about. In fact, the debut Weekly World News issue that featured his face on the cover was one of the most sold issues in the magazine's history. Batboy tapped into whatever it is about our psyches that upon seeing something horrifying, we're totally unable to look away from.
Oh! No! Look away!
As our obsession with Batboy unfolded, so did his increasingly intricate backstory printed in the magazine for issues to come were comics as well as legends periodically revealing to us the Batboy saga. The story goes that a scientist named Dr. Ron Dillon found Batboy in a hellish cave in West Virginia and upon further studies he concluded that Batboy was about 10 years old, his father a bat, and his mom a woman human named Susan Boyd. He's not like any other human being I've ever seen. Dr. Dillon goes on to explain that he's a relic from the 17th century when Batpeople hybrids lived in full colonies and actually existed. Dr. Dillon warns us that Batboy is a danger to humankind because he drinks blood from a crazy straw which seems counterintuitive to having sharp teeth. That detail seems kind of wacky.
I can dance, dance in my pants and in your face.
The Batboy continuum went on and on for years as we followed Batboy in a plethora of scenarios. While his usual stories depicted him getting captured by scientists, getting put into labs, making great heroic escapes, getting captured again and then escaping again over and over, there were other even kookier stories such as Batboy bites Santa Claus where I assume Batboy attacks someone we know and love and Batboy behind bars where I assume he pays the price for it and Bati Mitzvah where Batboy goes from Batboy to a Batman. Holy shit, is that Batman's actual origin? Anyway, there are so many strange story titles I can go on forever because apparently the Batboy legend is never ending. In our minds, Batboy became a sort of fan fiction saga based on the actual story, blurring all the lines and becoming too meta for any of us to even handle. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! Batboy became so ingrained in our culture that we not only followed his story and the comics based on his life, but he appeared everywhere from a TV shows Wait, but I already told Batboy he could live in our basement till spring. Is there a problem, Stan? to eventually an off-Broadway musical called, you guessed it, Batboy the Musical.
Batboy officially became the weekly world news' mascot and when the magazine ceased its print edition in 2007, Neil McGinnis, an old fan of the magazine, purchased the company to continue a new online publication under the official name, Batboy LLC. Even the cave where Batboy was allegedly found in Lewisburg, West Virginia remains a tourist destination to this day. Steve Silverberg, the current owner of the cave touring company Lost World Caverns actually provided the helmets, cabineers, and other equipment that was used in Batboy the Musical's opening number and fully embraces the lore of Batboy. Okay, so if Batboy didn't crawl out of a cave in the 70s, where did he come from?
Well cartoonist Dick Culpo was illustrating for weekly world news when he was asked one day to create a space alien baby, and he did. Culpo's managing editor at the time put away the drawing for weeks and forgot about it. He apparently states that he was tired of alien baby stories, a common theme for the magazine and wanted something different, which seems like the entire vibe of that place.
I can only imagine what it was like working there. I'll paint a scene for you.
Hey cartoonist, draw us a baby alien so we can make up a weird story about it. And the cartoonist is like, okay, here you go. And then the boss is like, hey, why'd you draw another baby alien? We have too many baby aliens and I'm tired of seeing them. And the cartoonist is like, whoa, I drew a baby alien because you asked me to draw a baby alien.
This is a toxic work environment and I hate it here, except I can't say anything about it because I need this job. So I guess I'll just draw something else. Wow, working there probably sucked.
So Culpo finagled the drawing a few more times and eventually drew up the sharp tooth black eyed little monster we love and fear today. Culpo claims that after having created Bat Boy, it was still weeks before the magazine's publisher even decided to use the drawing. But when they finally did, bam, they sold almost a million copies of that one issue alone, putting Culpo on the map as a cartoonist.
Okay, and what does Krakt have to do with it? Well, please don't be mad at me. But it's nothing really, except that after Culpo's 10 years at the Weekly World News, eventually becoming the art director and having co-created this iconic character, Culpo went on to acquire Krakt magazine and began publishing again after its sporadic releases in the 90s. He bought Krakt back from 2000 to 2004, giving it a new voice and making it comic focused, although still only releasing a few issues before reaching its nadir when they pretended cheap trick guitarist Rick Nielsen was their new publisher. Shockingly, that publicity stunt didn't last enough to save the Krakt magazine and it wasn't quite the comeback he and Krakt magazine had hoped.
Theoretically, in the loosest of terms, Batboy is our weird pop culture baby brother that we never asked for. But our relationship with Batboy isn't entirely benign.
In 2001, Krakt, along with a bunch of other niche tabloid magazines, were targeted by the anthrax scare. This may sound like something that the Weekly World News might publish, but no, Krakt actually was near the heart of the anthrax attack at American Media Inc. And because Krakt shared the same building with them, we were fully investigated by the FBI. It eventually led to all our archival photographs stored in our office having to be destroyed because of contamination. So who sent the anthrax? Was it an attempted attack on our nation's most niche tabloid magazines?
Or was it Batboy himself seeking revenge? I can see the headlines already. Batboy and the bad powder. Or Batboy is a bad boy. Or Batboy attacks the only living family he has. I guess we'll never know. Do you remember Batboy? Were you in on the hype? Or are you Batboy?
And you're watching this and you're like, what are people saying about me these days? Comment below and hit that like and subscribe button. I have to go.
Because me and my husband, Mark Ruffalo, we have tickets to dinner theater. I know it's like dinner theater and times like these. Mark Ruffalo loves dinner theater. You know, in between his push-ups and like fighting for democracy and like filming the Hulk and testling his perfectly soft curls. Dinner theater. He loves it. |
SaturdayNightLive | gun_city_snl | Ho, ho, ho! Thinking of what to get your loved ones for Christmas, why not give the gift that keeps you living? a gun from Gun City! To the First Lady of the house, get one of these teeny weeny guns! Order now and we'll throw in this designer Gucci holster! For the teams, we've got a whole slew of Saturday night specials! your gift will be the hit of the dance floor as they proudly display its spinning disco action! And dad, you can celebrate the Yuletide season by strapping on one of these Magnum 44s! If this baby can stop a rhino in its tracks, imagine what it will do to the meanest mother in the Bronx! right! Be a man! she'll be happy to see you with a pistol in your pocket!
And Gun City has all the bullets you'll ever need! These shells make great stocking stuffers! at Gun City, we sell to anyone! Permits, ha, ha! We'll take care of them! we don't care about your past, only your future! So come on down, arm your loved ones and put a bang in their life at Gun City! |
cracked | everything_you_know_about_heroin_addiction_is_wrong | This is Ed. He was a daily heroin user for over a year before he got clean. And he's here to explain some of the ways everyone gets heroin addiction wrong.
It's gonna be fun!
Movies portray heroin addiction as happening instantly. You jab that needle into your arm and boom, you're a skinny bass player in a grunge band. I've literally never met anyone who was introduced to heroin with a needle. Most start by popping or smoking pills.
And when you first start using opioids, you can use daily for weeks with no withdrawal effects whatsoever. I used to get totally wasted with my girlfriend Sally every night and woke up every morning clear as a bell. So it was super easy to think, hey, why not use again? It was like drinking without a hangover.
Turns out the really bad part of heroin isn't the physical dependency, it's the addiction. There's a difference. People act like addictive drugs are just needles full of addiction gremlins. But I didn't use heroin because of heroin. I used it because I had serious problems in my life that I wasn't addressing. The gremlins were inside me all along. Heroin helped me ignore them, which made quitting harder because I had to face not only withdrawal, but all the crap I'd been trying to avoid in the first place.
This scene from Requiem for a Dream is pretty melodramatic. When this happened to my girlfriend, we just drained her abscess with a hot compress and disinfected razor blade. Blackened limrot was so commonplace, it was practically boring.
The real danger is buying stronger heroin than you're used to by accident. Since there's no FDA for illegal street drugs, heroin potency is less closely monitored than, say, orange juice pulp. It's pretty easy to get some fire dope by accident. That's the equivalent of ordering a latte, but when you go to take a sip, you find out it's made of shotgun blast. Ugh, casuals. Some people think the danger of heroin is that you might inject some that's been cut with Drano or something. No. The danger of heroin is accidentally injecting heroin that's too damn good. So I guess it's more like ordering a latte and accidentally getting a mocha latte.
And then this is getting dark. Let's talk about my penis for a second.
Eventually I got arrested because while heroin made it hard for me to keep the job, it created a lot of opportunities for petty theft. And since I couldn't get any force in jail, I quickly discovered that one of the side effects of heroin withdrawal is uncontrollable orgasms. And not the good kind, the bad kind of orgasm. Yes, those exist. Since heroin numbs your body, getting clean involves being hypersensitive. So I was climaxing painfully whenever anything came into contact with my junk. And prison is just full of stuff you don't want to be coming on. I'm clean now, and my dick works again.
Withdrawal only lasts three weeks. The physical symptoms anyway. After those subside, only two things remain. The first is post-acute withdrawal syndrome, which means depression, insomnia, restlessness, overwhelming guilt, and in my case, vivid nightmares.
In one, I have a bag of dope in my hand and I'm looking for a place to shoot up. But every time I find one, I get interrupted. The dream always ends with a needle in my arm, and just before I push off, I wake up.
But the worst part is the problems that made me turn a heroin in the first place. They're still here, and they actually got worse while I was high because instead of working on them, I had been really, really high. My point is that if I were going to give a review of heroin, it would be negative. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Discover_Dangerous_Link_Between_Book_Learnin_Back_Talk | 🎵 From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. The news waits for no one. Not even me, and I'm the one who makes it all up. So we better get started before it's too late. Here are today's top stories.
The Senate confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Judge Amy Coney Barrett continue today, and many of her critics on the left are worried about the role religion could play in her future rulings. Judge Barrett is hoping to put those concerns to rest, and has promised that she would not let her Catholic faith interfere with the court's duty to crush the nation's poor and downtrodden. Barrett herself cited her time as a clerk for the late Justice Anthony Scalia as proof that she was more than capable of treating the poor as less than human in the eyes of the law.
And some good news if you live in Los Angeles, as L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti announced today he would be allocating $20 million toward the beautification of the city's sidewalk residence. In a statement, Mayor Garcetti called the quote, "...old decrepit eyesores long overdue for a refurbishment," and pledged that the newly appropriated funding would help ensure that L.A. residents have something truly glamorous to look at. Public workers will soon begin giving the city's sidewalk dwellers haircuts and spa facials a move they hope will greatly boost property values and tourism revenue in the area.
Don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from. We'll be back with even more stories for you to mindlessly accept as truth right after this.
When it comes to one-year-old Isaiah, Jay, you are not... That's the sound of 31-year-old software engineer Jay Swartley finding out he is not the father of his former girlfriend's child on a recent episode of Maury.
He was able to attend a taping of the program thanks to a progressive new paternity leave policy that allows possible fathers to take time off to sort these type of issues out on the popular tabloid talk show. Many businesses have been adopting similar policies, and we're joined now by our chief paid-time-off correspondent, Jenna Resnick, to talk about this emerging new trend. Thanks for joining us, Jenna. Of course, Leslie. So tell me, how do these new policies work? These policies will grant potential fathers typically eight whole days to fly out to the studio, tape the show, and determine if they are really on the hook for the next 18 years, or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge. The idea is that before now, fathers just didn't have the structure at work to take the time to properly scream at a partner or acts in front of a live studio audience on national television, right? Exactly.
To get a more personal feel for how these policies are affecting potential fathers' lives, I talked on the phone with Daniel Bolton of Tempe, Arizona. Daniel recently took his company's paternity leave policy to finally confront an ex-fling who wouldn't stop telling him he was the father of her four-year-old boy Heath, despite repeated denials from Daniel that there was no way a baby with red hair was his. So before this policy, you told me your best option for determining whether or not Heath was yours was just arguing with your ex, Bree, over the phone.
Yeah, she'll always be texting like, Get your fan ass to the Maury show and you'll see that kid is yours. And I'd be like, bitch, Maury tapes in Connecticut. Do you know how far that is from Tempe?
How am I supposed to take off work? Right, you mentioned your job only has a two-week vacation policy. Yeah, and no one should have to use their vacation hours to prove the fact that it is fucking physically impossible for that kid to be mine.
Because when Bree got pregnant, I was in Tempe, and she was back in Phoenix fucking around with my second cousin Nick. It's obviously Nick's kid. But you were able to go on the show with the new policy in place? Yeah, and the company paid for it and everything. Well, was the kid yours? Dude, the crazy part was that little red hair fucker was mine. I swear on my mom's grave, Nick fucked with the DNA results or some shit. Was Daniel able to keep his same job and pay when he got back as a first-time father? Yes.
Companies want these policies to give men like Daniel the peace of mind that they'll still have their jobs when they choose to go on these tapings, even if the taping stretches into a two-parter after you learn your three-year-old twins actually belong to your dad because he's been secretly sleeping with your wife. And how have these policies impacted businesses that have chosen to adopt them? Company executives say it has certainly increased worker productivity. Here's CEO Charlotte Lafleur, whose software company in Portland, Maine, recently adopted this type of paternity policy. We find that our employees are much more motivated and present when they no longer have to be distracted with worries about whether a random four-year-old named Camden is their son, even though the two of them look nothing alike.
And do the men have to worry about covering any potential bills that come along with taping on Maury? Never. Our policies come with built-in reimbursements for any medical bills that come from being injured in a studio brawl or from having Maury's security guard strain your neck while holding you back from pounding on your ex's new lover.
Wow, fascinating. These new policies have inspired a bit of change in some maternity leave policies as well, right? That's right. This current trend has also caused the rise of companies adopting additional maternity leave plans that allow mothers to take time off if they need to go on Dr. Phil to confront their sexually active 13-year-old daughter, or Jerry Springer if they need to take their stepdaughter to task for sleeping with their husband. Well, I think that's just great for fathers and mothers alike.
Thank you for this fascinating report, Jenna. That's OPR's Jenna Resnick. Thank you, Leslie. We'll end today's episode with a report that caught the attention of the country today.
Scientists have established a definitive link between the practice of book learning and increased back talk. The report from the University of Alabama confirmed decades of speculation that exposure to highfalutin books and fancy-type settings can cause you to get a little too big for your own britches. Head researcher Jennifer Lee had this to say at a press conference today. After years of study, we determined a significant number of correlations between reading one doggone book for the first time in your life and then suddenly not knowing when to keep your damn lips zipped. On top of that, exposure to a few big words that don't mean nothing worth knowing only causes an increase and run in your mouth well beyond when you dang well know better. I'm joined by Alan Potts, who's been covering the report for OPR. Alan, what more can you tell us? Well, Leslie, this report offers a variety of claims for the argument that the only thing books is good for is making folks act like they ain't got no horse sense. For example, the report found that one out of every three kids seemed to start guffin' to their elders moments after opening a book like they weren't raised by a firm hand. Furthermore, research subjects who went off learnin' a whole bunch of fufu words and such were 30% more likely to turn into real sass-talkin' sons of bitches, especially at the dinner table when only daddy's supposed to be talking. Wow. Now, what exactly constitutes backtalk in this study? Anything that sends you to get your mouth washed out with soap, gets your hide tanned, or makes someone think you've been hanging out with the Lutheran neighbors too much. That's interesting, and did the researchers find any other correlation to backtalk that reached beyond book-learnin'? They did, and Lee actually spoke about that a little at her press conference today. We can also now confidently say that mixin' around with city folk and well-to-do la-di-das and all that just makes people stuck up higher than a light pole and gets them thinkin' the sun rises simply because they crow. Well, my lands. Yeah, this particular study was pretty comprehensive in its reach. Beyond what Lee just said there, the study also showed that tinkering around with books and things not only results in more backlip, but also leads to a 70% uptick in prancin' around like you own the damn place.
Well, what are researchers recommending folks do with these backtalkers? The researchers recommended that parental or guardian figures simply smack the book-talkin' right out of the offending party's pretty little mouths. And what about those doing the offending? Experts are encouraging those who glean moon-eyed ideas way above their raisin to know their table manners, mind their Ps and Qs, and try pickin' up a damn Bible if they're so interested in reading all of a sudden.
Hey man, that's OPR's Alan Potts. Thanks, Alan. Thank you, Leslie.
For hundreds of years, makeup was no more than the rendered fat of an endangered animal smeared onto the face of an unmarried woman. But these days, beauty companies are increasingly eager to push the scientific envelope of what modern makeup can achieve. And now, the international cosmetics giant L'Oreal has introduced a smudge-proof lipstick able to withstand getting hit by a bus. Here with the details is OPR beauty correspondent Martha Saunders.
Hello, Martha. Hi, Leslie.
Last week, French beauty company L'Oreal debuted its new Face Smash collection of ultra long-lasting lipstick that is guaranteed to stay put even if the wearer is pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But the question from consumers now, is it too good to be true? Let's take a listen to a portion of the ad in question. Oh my God!
Is she alright? She's more than alright, she's perfect.
New L'Oreal Face Smash streak-free high-impact lipstick keeps you looking your best for up to 24 hours. Whether you're being dragged face down along the asphalt or hurtling through the air above an 18-wheeler. L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it. Wow, that's a bold claim by L'Oreal. But so far, the few people who have survived say they're sold.
Sure, but makeup companies are always claiming their products don't smear. And sure, maybe in a sanitized laboratory setting a woman can still look flawless after being tossed across the hood of a souped-up Ford F-150. But how does the lipstick hold up when the wearer has been splattered with engine oil or barfs up blood? Well, you're right, Leslie. Not every woman's natural lip texture is going to be perfect for Face Smash. In fact, women who have drier lips may want to invest in one of L'Oreal's lip primers to add extra moisture to repel any errant chemicals that spill out of the side of the bus. I talked to one recent consumer victim about her product preferences. This is actually the second time I've been sucked into the grill of a Mack truck doing 45 in a 25. But what's annoying is that unless I'm wearing the L'Oreal Lip Primer Face Smash by itself can get really patchy. And then the EMTs think there's something wrong with my lips on top of my punctured lungs and perforated intestines and whatever. They should really package the stick and primer together. But at the end of the day, I'd rather pay a little extra for flawless-looking lips as I'm intubated. Especially when the cheap eyeliner and blush left an imprint on the windshield. Well, I guess some two-in-one packaging could be more useful for the professional woman in a rush to the ER.
Agreed. As a bright note, the woman you just heard, Madeline Beret, ended up engaged to the first responder who saved her life. Madeline credits L'Oreal's shade of Steamrolled Red for her flawless lips. She's hoping to get a few more Face Smash colors once the settlement money hits, all of which are currently available at your local drugstore or Ulta. God, she's so fucking lucky. I spend so much time trying to be cool, go-with-the-flow Leslie, that I end up stuck in relationships with men who won't ever commit. Anyway, thanks for the report, Martha.
We'll be back in a two sec. That's two seconds for the old folks listening. Being in radio, I feel pretty fortunate to not have to get all gussied up with a face full of makeup like a lot of my TV counterparts.
That being said, it would certainly be a refreshing change of pace to be on the receiving end of getting hit by a bus for once. Maybe I'll give it a shot this weekend. Anyway, here's what else you need to know today.
Employees at the popular polling website FiveThirtyEight are scrambling today as they're desperately trying to jolt Nate Silver awake after he traveled too far into an undecided voter's mind. Editors at the publication worry that if they aren't able to bring Nate Silver back to a responsive state in time for the election, he may be lost in the undecided voter subconscious for good.
And some puzzling news from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers today as some confused members are continuing to struggle to find out what the big blue cable that's connected to the country does. Civil designers have tracked the huge, thick cord from the eastern seaboard through the Appalachian Mountains and across the Ohio River, but are still struggling to make heads or tails of what the hell this thing actually does. They should try just unplugging it and plugging it back in. See what happens.
And for those of you looking for a little added home security, Lowe's today has unveiled their new Haida house, disguised as a giant plastic boulder. I just hid my entire property under one of those things, and I gotta say it works great. No one has bothered me in days, and the complete absence of direct sunlight is making it really easy for me to sleep in. I like it so much, I might even consider hiding myself in pitch-black isolation for good.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you'd like to learn even more about the news or the show, be sure to sign up for The Topical's Patreon. We have a brand new edition of Leslie's Mail Sack out today, where I'll answer some of our listeners' least idiotic questions. And let me tell you, this week was a real doozy trying to pick out three that didn't sound like they were written by a Neanderthal, but we got it done. And you can only hear it on Patreon, so go sign up now. And next week on The Topical, does size matter? We're going to sit down with a sex expert who says when it comes to foreskin, the answer is yes. Fellas, you aren't going to want to miss this episode. All that and more next week on The Topical. Well, you're right, Leslie.
Not every woman's natural lip texture is going to be perfect for face-smash. In fact, women who have drier lips may want to invest in one of L'Oreal's lip primers to add extra moisture to repel any errant chemicals that spill out of the side of the bus. I talked to one recent consumer victim about her product preferences. This is actually the second time I've been sucked into the grill of a Mack truck doing 45 in a 25. But what's annoying is that unless I'm wearing the L'Oreal Lip Primer, face-smash by itself can get really patchy. And then the EMTs think there's something wrong with my lips on top of my punctured lungs and perforated intestines and whatever. They should really package the stick and primer together. But at the end of the day, I'd rather pay a little extra for flossing I'd rather pay a little extra for flawless-looking lips as I'm intubated, especially when the cheap eyeliner and blush left an imprint on the windshield. Well, I guess some two-in-one packaging could be more useful for the professional woman in a rush to the ER.
Agreed. As a bright note, the woman you just heard, Madeleine Baret, ended up engaged to the first responder who saved her life. Madeleine credits L'Oreal's shade of Steamrolled Red for her flawless lips. She's hoping to get a few more face-smash colors once the settlement money hits, all of which are currently available at your local drugstore or Ulta. Oh, God, she's so fucking lucky. I spend so much time trying to be cool, go-with-the-flow Leslie that I end up stuck in relationships with men who won't ever commit.
Anyway, thanks for the report, Martha. We'll be back in a two sec. That's two seconds for the old folks listening. Being in radio, I feel pretty fortunate to not have to get all gussied up with a face full of makeup like a lot of my TV counterparts.
That being said, it would certainly be a refreshing change of pace to be on the receiving end of getting hit by a bus for once. Maybe I'll give it a shot this weekend. Anyway, here's what else you need to know today.
Employees at the popular polling website FiveThirtyEight are scrambling today as they're desperately trying to jolt Nate Silverawake after he traveled too far into an undecided voter's mind. Editors at the publication worry that if they aren't able to bring Nate Silver back to a responsive state in time for the election, he may be lost in the undecided voter subconscious for good.
And some puzzling news from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers today as some confused members are continuing to struggle to find out what the big blue cable that's connected to the country does. Civil designers have tracked the huge thick cord from the eastern seaboard through the Appalachian Mountains and across the Ohio River but are still struggling to make heads or tails of what the hell this thing actually does. They should try just unplugging it and plugging it back in. See what happens.
And for those of you looking for a little added home security, Lowe's today has unveiled their new Haida House disguised as a giant plastic boulder. I just hid my entire property under one of those things and I gotta say it works great. No one has bothered me in days and the complete absence of direct sunlight is making it really easy for me to sleep in. I like it so much I might even consider hiding myself in pitch black isolation for good.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcasts. And if you'd like to learn even more about the news or the show, be sure to sign up for The Topical's Patreon. We have a brand new edition of Leslie's Mail Sackout today where I'll answer some of our listeners' least idiotic questions. And let me tell you, this week was a real doozy trying to pick out three that didn't sound like they were written by a neanderthal. But we got it done. And you can only hear it on Patreon, so go sign up now. And next week on The Topical, does size matter? We're going to sit down with a sex expert who says when it comes to foreskin, the answer is yes. Fellas, you aren't going to want to miss this episode. All that and more next week on The Topical. Wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
dropout | you_don_t_actually_need_a_menu | so it's like see so it's like the but it's different got comics and chats and stuff too did you guys get my invite to my birthday yeah yeah I'm so sorry you guys shouldn't have gotten that so you can just ignore the times are getting to be oh yeah we should probably order food if we're gonna be here all night yeah let's do it you guys want Chinese sounds great hell yeah let's do Ming moon they close in five minutes though so just how much you want to order I'll call it all of the general sos combo sorry do they have a menu uh yeah I mean theoretically they have one but you know it's Chinese food restaurant so they have you know Chinese food well let me just look at that and then I can decide okay well they're not on Yelp so there is no menu to look at but even if there was you know it's it's Chinese food right I mean you wouldn't need a menu for ordering pizza wait are we getting pizza cuz then I definitely need to see a menu no we're not ordering pizza we have exactly four minutes until this place closes all right we're not getting pizza and even if we were none of you should need a menu right it's the same toppings always forever everywhere and we should all know generally what we like by now look you've had Chinese food before I don't know I'm not sure you're not sure come to think of it I really would love to take a look at a menu cuz what if I want to change things up Grant if you want to live out in some fantasy world where you make new and exciting decisions be my guest but we all know when the chips are down you're getting beef and broccoli pork fried rice and an egg roll like you always do what if they don't have general sows though they will have general sows but what if they don't if they don't I promise you that they will have something exactly like general sows I just don't know what I want unless I pick it off a menu okay okay okay that's fine that's totally fine here's what you can do using the power of your imagination construct a menu in your mind's eye consisting of all the Chinese food meals you've enjoyed over your long lives then using that mental menu tell me what you want to order what if they don't have dumplings what if they don't have dumplings as God above is my witness Grant they will have dumplings but are they on the menu cuz be really rude to ask if it wasn't on the menu menus are for cowards and simpletons traps persons of character look in their heart and know what they want to order do you always know what you want to order I haven't looked at a menu in 24 years bullshit try me Todd pad see you tie iced tea India chicken chicken masala garlic Italian chicken parm they're out of chicken chicken piccata go to hell you first a genie grade two three wishes world's greatest sorcerer new magic lamp freedom for the first genie you're at a diner where you can mix and match menus 10 pages cheeseburger deluxe medium well bacon and grilled onions waffle fries filling that curly fries filling that regular fries and a chocolate goddamned milkshake they're gonna give yourself a heart attack you're gonna give me a heart attack so what you order the same meal every time the best meal every time you have a cheeseburger for breakfast mood for a cheeseburger I'd be in the mood for a Western omelet with cheddar cheese whole wheat toast home fries and a cup of coffee with some happen happen I wouldn't need a menu to know it so you only have two moods is that it who's is enough for anybody you're insane one minute general says copper wonton soup beef broccoli pork fried rice and egg roll I knew it you slime me to number one and number three and number five and number seven a wonton soup and an egg roll for pickup thank you so much have a great night you know technically an egg rolls a sandwich oh go to hell hey guys it's Brennan from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun stuff and please keep watching because if you stop watching I start to vanish get it I'm not really real I'm just a thing on your screen |
cracked | coming_soon_to_cracked_staff_picks | In 2023, when there is an exhausting amount of streaming services, it's safe to say that we all kind of miss video rental stores.
There's been a slow-growing nostalgia for VHSs and rental store culture over the last few years.
And with behind-the-scenes rights battles and HBO Max or Max or whatever they're calling it right now constantly removing movies and shows from its library, physical media has become more important than ever for the circulation of art.
Movies like Andrei Zelosky's Possession went decades without being available digitally, and as of this recording, Elaine May's classic The Heartbreak Kid is still nowhere to be found.
Preserving films is the real importance of having a video store, and the main reason that my friends and I want to build one.
I'm Patrick Willems, and in this new show, I'll be teaming up with cult film archaeologist Danielle Radford, as well as many other filmmakers and experts, and we're going to curate the selection of, hopefully, the greatest video rental store the world has ever seen.
Welcome to Staff Picks. |
dropout | don_t_eat_the_laundry_pods_seriously_they_re_poison_ | You up to anything tonight? Uh, no. Probably just gonna go home and catch up on some laundry. You know, someone left a bunch of free samples of those laundry pods if you want to try them out. Oh yeah, cool. Yeah, just don't eat any, okay? What? Nothing.
It was a dumb joke. They're kind of brightly colored little gel things. Kids eat them sometimes. They're super toxic.
Oh. Yeah. Yikes. Anyway, have a good night. Me too. What's to do with these? Hmm. Like a big old gusher. Anyone here? Or everyone go home?
Boop.
A fern pod, aren't you? A candy ravioli. Probably really bad for you. No. That'd be gross. That'd be gross to eat. Ugh. What? Where'd you come from? Ah, that's gross. That's probably just kids though. Hmm. Probably just sick adults already, kind of weak adults. I can eat you right? This part's great flavored, and this is orange flavored, and this is vanilla, so awfully.
I forgot my wallet. Me too. I forgot my wallet.
Okay. I'm looking for it on this table. Well, I'm just gonna grab it here. Okay.
Well, goodnight. Goodnight.
So you're saying that with 100% certainty that if I ate a laundry pod, I'd get super poisoned and possibly die? Yeah. Okay, I got it. What if I took a little bite? That's not funny?
I can't.
I... You're just beautiful poison, and I know you want it, but I have to go and do laundry. Goodbye, laundry pods.
Oh, we're gonna... We're gonna...
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
cracked | president_donald_trump_s_white_supremacist_problem_is_deeper_than_you_think_some_news | Here's some news, the, uh, yeah, apparently you take a week off doing the news and then Nazis hold rallies and kill people. Let me back up. Yes!
So there was like a, like a civil war, right? And they were like, like, so, like, war, war about it? And depending on who you ask, it was about Southern pride, or states' rights, or that black people are inferior to white people and should be slaves. For example, I could ask you, or a relative of yours, or the Vice President of the Confederacy, Alexander Stephens, who in a speech after Abe Lincoln's inauguration and the secession of South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas said, quote, Our new government is founded upon exactly this idea.
Its foundations are laid, its cornerstone rests upon the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man, that slavery, subordination to the superior race is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first in the history of the world based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth. And I feel like we gotta just start off there, right?
Because otherwise we're just goose-stepping around the issue at the heart of this, racial superiority, genetic superiority, and, uh, statues, I guess, statues of the generals and figures who led the charge for the slavery side of war. These are generals who lost, surrendered, became symbols of being so pro-slavery they would have died for it, and are now honored and commemorated in public spaces. Like in Germany, how they remember the Holocaust with Hitler statues and more Hitler statues?
Do we have a clip? No. Do we have clip art?
But, now we have slave generals just statuing around in parks and stuff, and after googling our museums a thing, it was decided that one of these racist statues in Charlottesville, Virginia was to be removed from Emancipation Park, which was formerly named after a general that fought for slavery, then surrendered, Robert E. Lee, because nobody wants to shoot hoops at Hitler Park. Now, a lot of these statues aren't even historical relics. They were erected for explicitly racist reasons. In the 20s, when the KKK was at its peak, Confederate statues went up to keep saying f*** you to black people. In the 60s, during the civil rights movement, more Confederate statues went up to keep saying f*** you to black people. That's why these statues exist. If the removal of these public statues genuinely upsets you, think about why. And before you talk about the destruction of history, Google our museums a thing. Because if you want to make a museum of a*** white people who put up statues to tell minorities to eat s***, go ahead. I hope everyone goes to laugh at your dumb f***ing museum, and then takes their money back.
So a protest was organized, called Unite the Right, which was meant to do the words that those are. Or as one attendee said, it was meant to take a step towards the GOP becoming a party for whites, and dude, you could have just stayed home. Other protesters said, Nazi stuff, because they are Nazis. The crowd of white supremacists and fascists descended on the objective symbol of racism to protest the removal of the objective symbol of racism, as left-wing protesters resisted the racist fascists. There was violence from Nazis, and violence from people resisting and protecting others from Nazis, which, according to some people, is the same. And the next day, there were more protests. And then a Nazi killed a girl with his car, and injured many other people.
And then, well, I guess it's time to talk about the President. That's right, the President gave a statement about the white supremacist terrorist attack that included a lack of a condemnation of the white supremacists who support him. A flippant remark about how there was violence on both sides, one Nazi and one anti-Nazi, and even threw in a couple of dog whistles, which are phrases that sound normal on the surface, but purposefully mean something else to racists. For example, when Ronald Reagan gave his campaign speech in a Showa County, it was a few miles from where three civil rights activists died, and the speech talked a lot about states' rights. States' rights? Where have I heard that before? In regards to the Civil War definitely actually being about black people's inferiorities, white people. Oh, right, sorry. Some racists claiming the Civil War wasn't about that, yes, I see. So in his first statement, Trump talked of how all the Nazis wanted to do was defend our rich heritage, a dog whistle, to racists. And that was his first statement, which was praised by white supremacists who think the President is on their side and trying to protect them, but only because of the things he says.
It's just words, folks. It's just words. Nice.
Then days later, Trump begrudgingly came out and condemned Nazis, a thing that was previously thought to be very easy, and said that he didn't want to jump the gun with his first statement until he had all the facts, a thing the President has never done before. And then he yelled another press conference later about infrastructure, but really he just yelled at everybody and quadrupled down on his original statement about how violence from Nazis is the same as violence against Nazis.
So you know what? It's fine.
It rambled about how a statue in a public space that honors a man who betrayed the United States and fought for the idea that black people are inferior and thus should be slaves is the same as statues of things that aren't that. This is a common argument for racists, as evidenced by American dipshit and Governor of Maine, Paul LePage, likening these Confederate statues coming down to going to New York and tearing down the monument of those who perished in 9-11. It will come to that. And to be fair, that's not a bad idea. You know, it's a little weird walking around the beautiful streets of New York and seeing a statue of Osama bin Laden on a horse. Mr. LePage, tear down this statue.
Then, of course, the President dodeca down, instead of the Nazi rally, that there were some fine people there. Let's watch it. And some, I assume, are good people. No, not that one. But you also had people that were very fine people on both sides.
There it is. Donald Trump, the nuance president. So let's believe him for a second. We can do this. Let's believe him for a second and do a little make-believe.
Now, we'll use one of the fine young men who were there, the president of the College Republicans at Washington State University, because white supremacists don't just live in the South, you bigot. They live all over the country. Some of them are your neighbors and family members and president. But this College Republican, who was a senior advisor for Students for Trump, who introduced Trump at a rally and who has some interesting theories about whether or not the Holocaust happened, wasn't literally wearing a swastika while marching with Nazis. So let's say you're him. As a fine person, let's say you want to protest the removal of a statue that was put up to piss off black people while they fought for their rights after a war that was fought because people thought they were inferior to white people and should be slaves. And as a fine person, you get your torch and you get your Nazi phrases memorized and you tuck your polo shirt into your khakis and you march.
And you look around and, oh wow, there are Nazis here. Is that a KKK flag? Yeah, there are KKK members over there. Are those more Nazis? Is this mostly Nazis?
Am I ideologically aligned with Nazis? Should I continue marching with Nazis? Or as a fine person, should I leave this place that is swarming with Nazis? Or as a fine person, should I stick around ostensibly joining them and shout angry Nazi stuff with them? Sadly, I do not know, for I am merely a fine person. This has been the Tale of the Fine Person, hanging out with mostly Nazis.
This was more dog whistling. He's excusing the behavior of, yes, deplorable people who think that he agrees with them because he excuses their behavior. These racists and Nazis are out because the existence of Donald Trump is making them feel emboldened and like he's on their side and like he's one of them. The Nazi kid who killed Heather, his mom thought he was just going to a Donald Trump rally.
And to find out why, let's play a round of, wait, I wonder why. Let's spin the wheel. There it goes. Still going. It's not slowing down or stopping. Well, I guess we'll never know why. This has been, wait, I wonder why.
But we shouldn't just say the president is a white supremacist or a fascist or a racist. He represents America. And one of the first things America said to the world was that all men are created equal. Oh, what? All men are created equal. But not true.
Because I'm a smart, smart. You have to have the right, the right genes. I have a certain gene. I'm a gene believer.
Well, that's not great. But it's not like he's a racist. He doesn't judge people by the color of their skin. He's not.
Ugh, what? They don't look like Indians to me, sir. Um, excuse me? Reservations that you've approved, you sir, and your great wisdom have approved. I will tell you right now, they don't look like Indians to me. They don't look like Indians to you? Anything to add? Nobody's more for the Indians than Donald Trump.
Dope.
I wonder why he calls a little Warren Pocahontas. But I actually don't wonder that. Now, it's good that he condemned white supremacists once after he didn't for days, but he needs to acknowledge and understand the connection between his actions, ideals, words, policies, and racist fascists. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he's not dumb Hitler or even very good brain Hitler. And he doesn't want to do Hitler stuff. But it's alarming that he doesn't understand or acknowledge why people think that he is and does.
If we look at the signs of the rise of fascism, he represents or participates in literally all of them. He uses phrases and tactics that Hitler used. He used to have Hitler's speeches by his bedside, and when he was asked about it, he paused and said, quote, who told you that? Then he said a friend gave it to him, but it's okay because he's a Jew, to which his friend later confirmed, yeah, I gave it to him, but I'm not Jewish. And later in the conversation, Trump doubled back and said that he might have Hitler's speeches.
He might not. He wouldn't read them. That's weird.
Stop doing fascist things and saying fascist things and winking at racist and Nazis all the time. And I just need to take a break.
We're going to hold on. Here's a segment called, But on the Bright Side. So things aren't great, but on the bright side, something, probably. This has been, But on the Bright Side.
Anyway, President, don't just say Nazis in the KKK and fascists don't speak for you, acknowledge why they think you speak for them. Because it seems like fascist behavior to talk about your genetic superiority and how all men aren't created equal and nationalism and authoritarianism and xenophobia and racial dog whistling and about how in the old days, protesters used to be roughed up more and to demand millions of IP addresses and info of people who visited an anti-Trump website and to start implementing laws that would arrest people who organized peaceful protests that end up turning violent and to introduce laws that make it legal to run over protesters with your car and to spread propaganda like a supercut on Fox News from February supporting protesters being run over by cars. And it seems fascistic to delegitimize and demonize the people who are resisting fascism while equating them with Nazis. It's almost like he's going to start just roughing up people who oppose him and tossing protesters in jail and use his false narrative to justify it. There goes the tolerant left being intolerant of intolerance so that it doesn't take hold and aid the rise of fascism like history has shown it to do. I'm starting to think that America was built on violence and racism and slavery and genocide.
Well, thanks for watching. This has been a Comedy Show. Hey, thanks for watching.
Click the C to subscribe and the bell for notifications. I didn't even get to mention that the day after the Nazi killed that woman, Trump retweeted an image of a train hitting a person, a white supremacist saying, what about black crime, and someone calling him a fascist.
He's good. The president is good. |
cracked | 7_reasons_being_trapped_is_still_better_than_freedom_3_dead_philosophers | After all this time, I'm fine. Me, oh, shit, that was rude. Uh, I'll get you down. No, no, no, no, I'm good. What do you mean you're good?
Oh, I'll just lick the lichen off the walls and collect water drippings in my shoes, thinking I'm sad.
You just talked a guy into killing himself to free you. No, no, no, no, I talked an annoying noise into shutting up. You're welcome. Well, whatever you did it, the end result is you get to be free now.
So, Juana is pretty great. What's great about it? Exteriors, donuts probably, this motion. Why? Because your brain tells you those things are great?
Imagine a brain in a vat. Is that like a beetle in a box? No, no, no, no, it's you, you're the brain, all right? So imagine your brain is in a tub somewhere and electrodes are making it feel like you're in a dungeon. Sure, you could dream about leaving this dungeon, but you're still just a brain trapped in a vat.
But those other parts of me can go out and have sex with other parts of things or at least imagine doing that. I can imagine having sex with things from here, so. Oh yeah, me too, I did kind of a lot of that in here.
Can you hear me? Hot.
But who's to say the world out there is gonna be preferable to your imagination? You're better off staying here and focusing your mind to the point where your freedom seems real. That sounds hard. At least you wouldn't be deluding yourself. Think about this, if it's even possible in theory that you're a brain in a vat, then that means it's impossible to prove it wrong. There's like a 50-50 chance that you're just a brain in a vat.
That would be a sick idea for a movie and then two much worse movies. Look, get out of here if you want, man. Get robbed, wounded, killed, pfft, I don't care.
I'm gonna stay here and be a king in charge of a nation full of edible Amazon women. But, okay, even if you could enjoy yourself theoretically, comfort yourself with the supreme knowledge that your perceptions will always be disjointed from reality no matter what your situation is, even if you could do that. That doesn't mean that a happy prisoner is happier than a sad king, right? The prisoner still has to shit where he stands and still has to smell the rotting flesh of the guy he convinced to kill himself.
I can't hear you. I'm devouring taut lady tummies. That sounds like a good movie, too. Look, I finally got enough peace and quiet to focus on my thought exercises, so shut up or I'll convince you to kill yourself.
I really regret this. Yeah, you shouldn't have done it, though.
And, action. Hey, help! Help! What do we do? Is this part of the tour? Wanna?
It's pretty great. What's great about it?
Exteriors, donuts probably, this motion. Why?
Because your brain tells you those things are great? Imagine a brain in a vat. Is that like a deal in a box? No, no, no, no, it's you. You're the brain, all right? So imagine your brain is in a tub somewhere and electrodes are making it feel like you're in a dungeon. Sure, you could dream about leaving this dungeon, but you're still just a brain trapped in a vat.
But those other parts of me can go out and have sex with other parts of things, or at least imagine doing that. I can imagine having sex with things from here, so. Oh, yeah, me too. I did kind of a lot of that in here.
Can you hear me? Hot.
But who's to say the world out there is gonna be preferable to your imagination? You're better off staying here and focusing your mind to the point where your freedom seems real. That sounds hard. At least you wouldn't be deluding yourself. Think about this, it was even possible, in theory, that you're a brain in a vat, then that means it's impossible to prove it wrong. There's like a 50-50 chance that you're just a brain in a vat.
That would be a sick idea for a movie. And then two much worse movies.
Look, get out of here if you want, man. Get robbed, wounded, killed. I don't care.
I'm gonna stay here and be a king in charge of a nation full of edible Amazon women. But, okay, even if you could enjoy yourself theoretically, comfort yourself with the supreme knowledge that your perceptions will always be disjointed from reality no matter what your situation is, even if you could do that. That doesn't mean that a happy prisoner is happier than a sad king, right? The prisoner still has to shit where he stands and still has to smell the rotting flesh of the guy he convinced to kill himself.
I can't hear you. I'm devouring taut lady tummies. That sounds like a good movie, too. Look, I finally got enough peace and quiet to focus on my thought exercises, so shut up or I'll convince you to kill yourself.
I immediately regret this. Yeah, you shouldn't have done it, though.
And action. Hey! Help! What do we do? Is this part of the tour? |
cracked | sex_games_and_giant_tea_sets_the_craziest_star_trek_episode_cracked_responds | Tom you know how everyone complains about the new Star Trek movies being way dumber than the TV show Yes, that is a true statement of so I have found an episode from the old TV show from the next generation generation It's called the games from season five an episode where everyone on the enterprise gets addicted to an iPhone game and Is willing to trade all of I think the Federation in exchange for more of this iPhone game, right? We start off. It's right.
You're down on vacation planet with his with the woman He's met and dated on that planet in that particular episode happens to be one with a vagina on her head this time, right? So through this game on him. It's like a little Google Glass thing. You put this game on him You throw space frisbees into giant alien Dick tubas and that's the game he gets immediately hooked and he's trying to get everybody to play this game He finally finds the amitroi having an intensely sexual moment with a bowl of chocolate Close your eyes and it's here that we need to stop and Recognize that the entire episode is weirdly sexual like the game is weirdly sexual when people are playing the game They're having like these shuttering orgasms. We see like 40 simulated orgasms There are so many tight super tight shots of people's faces as they just come buckets all the crew members who are addicted to the game No, they have to get data out of the way because data is just gonna figure out Oh, you all are behaving like idiots. Let me robot my way through this so they trick him into sickbay and then shut him off But the way they shut him off is they just like dr Crusher just comes up behind and we just kind of pokes him in the butt and he's off data's had an off switch the whole Time and it's been in his butts like in a terrible place to he could ask anything could accidentally bump into his His right cheek they get Picard and Geordie this way because they are using Oh Data's malfunctioning Everybody needs to come to sickbay so they can then force them to play this game in all of its misunderstandings of how addiction works This might be the most prescient episode of Star Trek of any iteration of Star Trek Like this treats it like video games are gonna get people addicted and like that's an advertising point for video games now Like when you see a an iPhone game in the app store, it's like it's so addictive Like they go for that specifically the iPhone game spreads out infecting everybody except Wesley crusher and Ashley Judd Right a girlfriend now He's been away at Starfleet and he comes back and everybody's kind of already been playing this game and he figures out right away That it's like brainwashing people.
Not only does Picard have a time to go to the surprise party He has tea with Wesley later. Yes. This is my favorite scene in terms of okay He has that he has the time to like sit down with Wesley and have tea with his just ridiculously gigantic tea set And he gives baffling advice because he says if you meet someone whose initials you might want to carve into that elm tree Don't let it interfere with your studies. I Failed organic chemistry because of a half you're the captain of a fucking spaceship Yeah, you are doing very well They're trying to figure out how to save everybody and this leads to my personal favorite scene Which is when the elevator scene the elevator scene he beats up with this lady who's playing the game in the elevator She's like what level are you on? He's like like 10. She's like She says, you know what the secret is don't you don't force it If you just let the game happen It almost plays itself I'll try that Also if it plays itself terrible relationship advice. Yeah, it's a terrible Sexual wisdom to pass on to another human being he meets back up with Ashley Judd. He's planning. She's clearly already been Addicted Wesley dashes around the table and then dives over it climbs like as heroically as a little kid in a Burger King Playplace they get this one part where like Wesley's like trying to you know Do creepy creep John McLean through the enterprises vents and then the door opens and wharfs there and then he falls for no reason It takes both Riker and wharf to get right it takes both both an adult man and Klingon wharf to bring this teenager 148 pound Wesley crusher Wesley gets caught they force his eyes open They shove the goo goo glasses into his eyes and just when he's getting addicted to space pancake tuba fun Data comes walking in with a strobe light and just points the strobe light at every space and that cures them at least one crew member On the enterprise has epilepsy right so what's Strobe they're just gonna be addicted forever Hey, thanks for watching and let us know in the comments what other crazy episodes of old TV shows we should watch and Yeah, it doesn't specifically have to be Star Trek, but it could be it could be a different Star Trek. Yeah, it could be The Battlestar Galactica it could be some other space related show or Shasta McNasty. Sure Sure, I know that also if any of you knows where I can get that tea set It's very important to me |
dropout | bleep_bloop_left_4_dead_with_human_giant | Welcome to a very special episode of Bleep Loop. We are broadcasting out of our underground bunker in New York and connected via Xbox Live with our friends Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer from Human Giant in LA. We are playing Left 4 Dead and we seem to be in the middle of some sort of zombie apocalypse. We thought we'd all be chatting the whole time, but the way it works, only one person on either end can have a headset, so we're going to switch it up a little, but right now only Rob and I can talk, Pat will have to relay messages through me and Paul will have to relay messages through Rob. It's so unrealistic because I think if I was in the zombie apocalypse, there would be full communication. Pat said something stupid. Paul hasn't said anything yet. There's been a zombie apocalypse. Yeah. The microphone's not working.
It should really be the least emergency. Yeah, no, I like the way they just drop you in the middle of this. There's no backstory. There's no justification.
You just start off killing zombies. At the same time, they're just like they have these four characters. It's like, oh, it's a zombie story, so of course there's the grizzled Vietnam vet, the black guy, the girl, the tattooed biker.
I'm guessing the tattooed biker is down on his luck. The old guy, he doesn't want to slow them down. The old guy doesn't want to slow them down. He'll get tangled up with some zombies, you'll hear him go, go on, just go on without me. He gave me a gun and told me if he'd started to turn that I swear to God I would shoot him.
My guy is just an accountant. I mean, everybody else looks pretty badass, but my guy is just an accountant. Paul plays a black accountant.
We all blame Tim as soon as this outbreak started. Look at him. I keep on saying I'm too old for this shit. What is the object of this game? Just to get the freedom? Well, yeah, we've got to get to the subway. Let's go, let's go, it's all this haul ass outside.
That sounds like a thing a character would say, but I don't think he'd hear me. Hey, now I can hear you. You've got to get some help. Hello, hi. Hi. Hey, Pat. What's going on? It's Paul. Crazy circumstance to meet under.
This is a lot like the end of 20 weeks later, I can't get over that. I think there's a lot of zombie movie homages in here. What kind of video game would you, what movie tie-in video game would you want? You know what would be cool? A sports game, baseball as a sports game. I would like to play Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation. We all die as we go. This is what I would do if I really knew I was going to die in a zombie apocalypse. I would just have a conversation like this. Oh yeah, there's some more guns. Is this finding the ammo lock or is this always the scene in the zombie movie where it's like, oh yeah, daddy like. This is actually Shaun of the Dead, just with four different characters. Somebody smarter than me should make a mod where it's like Simon Pei, the girl, and Nick Frost, and his mom. The people who made this game clearly love zombie movies and they got like all the cliches in.
Keith waited three days at the meeting spot after we got separated. I can't wait anymore. Meet at Mercy Hospital, Christy.
There's one that says, guys, if you're going to use the refrigerator, please clear out your old food. Thanks, Mike. Ask Rob to ask Paul.
Jeff wants me to ask you to ask Paul if he has any concluding thoughts about the whole Left 4 Dead 4 player experience. Do you have any concluding thoughts on the Left 4 Dead 4 player experience?
I like this. I want to do it again. I want to do it again and more.
I feel like this is the perfect 4 player game because you have to really work with the team. It's like gauntlet with zombies. Yeah, I think this is a really great 4 player game and this is a great way for me to escape my life. There are so many times, so many days where I just really want to escape my life and get away from it all and to spend the time with you guys and these zombies that really make me feel good about myself.
Is that his words exactly? Okay. Jeff, Rob says that you smell horrible. What? Oh! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_27_6_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin the day is Thursday the 27th of June coming live out of the Baxter Boots studio to myself Clancy Overall Errol Parker editor at large and of course our news reader Wendell Hussey how are you today guys? Yeah about as good as I'll ever be. Very well thank you Clancy and good to be back for another week. First up today there's some interesting news from down south with the New South Wales premier ordering developers to provide emergency tubes of cellies in all new high-rise buildings. Well it's the least she could do. It is the least you could do after all those evacuations of the towers in Sydney of course the Opal Tower in the Olympic Park home bush region and another one of late down in South Sydney near the port we're starting to see what initially was quite exciting news for the developers in that they thought the cracks might open up a bit more real estate in the building which they could flog off for over a million dollars per crack but we're seeing things actually looking a bit more dangerous than we initially thought Wendell. Yeah absolutely and while some are applauding Gladys Berejiklian for clamping down on developers and her anti-developer stance one of our readers from down there named Stuart Grant made an interesting point in the comments section. He asked which one of the Premier's buddies is a stakeholder in cellies. So ICAC if you're listening maybe something to have a look at. Now for some more national news there's been an exciting piece of research released this week as well.
A correlation has been found between eating play-doh as a child and adding rear spoilers to excels. Well I think I must be an outlier in that Wendell because I used to eat a lot of play-doh as a boy. I ate the stuff that you bought in stores and I bought the homemade stuff and I tell you what from my memory I would say that I would rather eat the stuff that you made at home it was much tastier. A little less salty the stuff from home.
Yeah. Have either of you ever owned an XL or a Hyundai of any variety? No I like to buy local and you know that. No I only ever tried play-doh once and I didn't particularly like it so maybe that's why I ended up with a Nissan Skyline.
What else is in the news? Back home in town now and we wrote a story about a local teacher who's begun the first phase of writing reports by telling everybody she's writing reports. Well that is the first step to getting your reports done is you need to go around and tell everyone around town that you're going to start writing your reports which I guess might excuse your upcoming erratic behavior. Yes it's part parcel with the career as an educator in the Australian school system it's up there with saying that the holidays aren't long enough when we all know they go for 10 to 12 weeks a year on break. Well the teacher I spoke to in this story she actually told me you know it takes a while to try and find the nicest most articulate way to tell parents that the little kid is as dumb as a box of rocks. Yes and you know judging by some of the juveniles I've seen getting around this town that would have to happen a lot down there at the Toota Grove and Toota Heights primary schools. Yes certainly moving along to sports news now and there's been one narrative that's been dominating headlines for a while now and that resurfaced last week when Israel Folau started taking part in the ancient Christian tradition of crowdfunding his own salary.
Fuck I'm sick of this.
Yes this multimillionaire sports star he's put his own type of collection plate out to pay his way to defend his right to post memes that would airdrop to him by his fundamentalist Christian pastor which have since breached a contract he had with Australian rugby for the second or third time. He's still allowed to say those things there's no police knocking on his door but he isn't allowed to play rugby anymore and I guess he's taking that to court and he needs the Christian community to pay and the greater homophobic kind of a sentiment in Australia. I guess they're not all Christians donating to Israel Folau but he's up over two million at this point isn't he Wendell?
Yeah they do seem to be paying his over two million at the time of recording so who knows what it'll get to but a short time after he did put the collection plate out he was left thanking the Lord that he did do that because as we broke in an exclusive story Izzy had to earmark some of his legal fees for his Lambo after the coil pack shit itself. Yes was he trying to distract himself from the media circus I wonder when he went for a spin in his half million dollar Italian made sports car and obviously ended up costing him quite a bit. Yes God only knows himself how much a coil pack would cost for a Lamborghini and I guess Israel is gonna find out soon isn't he? Yes you can never really know even with the cars we mentioned earlier the Hyundai XL a mechanic will tell you whatever and when you're dealing with a car as valuable as a Lamborghini no doubt Italian mechanics I reckon they'll charge you whatever they pull out of their arse. Probably change the windscreen wipers on it too and there will be a few more twists and turns in the Izzy saga to come I'd say but that's the bulletin for this week because that's all we've got here so thanks for tuning in again and we'll talk to you again next week until then I'm Wendell Hussey and I'm Errol Parker and I'm Kletzi Overall you be kind to each other enjoy your weekend |
SaturdayNightLive | nightmare_at_20_000_feet_saturday_night_live | When will this storm ever end? Oh, it's fine, dear. hundreds of planes fly through this kind of weather every day. yeah, but I'm not on those planes.
Oh, relax. it'll be better if you just try to sleep. Okay. all right. I'll try.
Honey, there's something out there. What? Where? on the wing. I saw something. let me see. I don't see anything. I saw it. I swear I did. didn't I? There's something out there on the wing. there's something out there. there's something out there. Sir, what is going on?
There's a creature on the wing. it was smoking. smoking on a plane. Sir, everyone here is smoking on the plane.
But the thing, it was. I don't see anything, sir. now you try to get some rest, Okay? I swear I saw it. Honey, it's nothing. just please get some rest. Okay. all right. Oh, it's out there. What is? I don't know it. Look.
I don't see anything. what was it doing? it was making grilled cedar plank salmon. I think it likes fish.
Oh, Bob, Bob. stop. this is crazy. this storm is getting to you. just go to sleep. Okay. all right. I'll try. No. it's exercising. let's do an S. it's exercising. Sir. Sir, stop it. calm down. nothing is out there. you can't see it. it's toning up. it seems healthy and dangerous. Sir, do you need a pill? Because unless you calm yourself, we're going to have you arrested when we get on the ground. Now, can you settle down, sir?
Yes. yes, I think I can. I'm okay. now we have a long flight. just don't look out the window from now on. can you do that for me, sir? I think so.
Good. good night, sir. No, no. no, he's going to drop the cake. he's trying to get it to the judge's table. he can't transfer that. not without that wind. it's impossible. No, it's fine. there's nothing there. nothing. there's nothing there. it's okay. can't you do this, sir? No, no, no. I'm going out there. No, sir.
Finally! I was freezing my balls off out there. Jeez! make decisions much?
Oh, man. okay, I'm in 23c. sorry. Oh. hey, I'm in 23c. that's my seat. Oh. I'm in 23d. Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. I hate to be a pain, but would you guys mind moving so that my wife and I could sit next to each other? Oh, I'm so sorry. Hi. no, no, no, no, no. of course. thank you so much. thank you so much. Oh, I'm so sorry. excuse me. excuse me. excuse me. I'm sorry. thank you so much. I'm sorry. of course, people. we are.
Oh, wow. finally, I can relax. the nightmare in the sky is over, But on the ground, a man who has decided to exercise for the very first time is killed by a falling elliptical machine and also members of Pearl Jam, another coincidence that can only happen in the Twilight Zone. Thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_from_home | Okay, I think everyone's here. Hey guys, as you all know, Hurricane Sandy has closed our office temporarily, so until it reopens, we're going to be video conferencing all of our meetings. I know it's not ideal, but hey, you know, at least it's a chance for us all to unwind and work from home for a change. All right, all right, let's get down to Task Brax here. Obama won many of the crucial swing states, so how do we cover this? What's our angle?
Sorry, Pat, I'm not really comfortable talking with Sam about this. Oh, I'm sorry, is it because he's a Republican? No, because I think he's taking a bath right now. Oh, guys, these are business sons. I'm sorry, are those scented candles? Okay, fine, fine, I'm having a soak. So what?
I'm not the only one multitasking. Owen is playing Xbox. Hey, I'm not playing Xbox. I'm dominating it.
Come get some. Come on. Oh, you're supposed to be participating in this meeting. I am. Who do you think I'm playing? Could you quit your talking, bitch? Because it's time to build up and play. All right, come on, guys. I know we're working at home, but we can't let that distract us. That's right. Okay, we need to focus.
Thank you, streeters. What if we did like a deal where it's swingers, you know, like those states are swingers and it's like a party home?
Is that a beer? What? Oh, yeah. You know what?
I like I bought seven cases for the hurricane. I got to drink it before it spoils. Does beer spoil?
Kelly, Kelly, certainly you must have something productive to contribute. Certainly.
A few updates on post-production. Our servers are almost at optimal functionality, which is great. That means we can start editing again really quickly, which means that a lot of our old cuts can come back. We've added the whole peanut butter. All right, let's I'm gonna move on.
Emily, do you have anything you want to Emily? Hey, this is Emily's Mima. She's staying with me for the weekend.
Do any of you know how to open solitaire? Oh, no, I just downloaded a virus.
Hey, can you guys keep it down? Marina, I didn't know you were in this meeting. Oh, I'm not about to record a new haul video from my YouTube channel. Ready?
Only $300. Rate and subscribe, please. Wow, sweater, huh? Cheap. Oh, that's a really good price.
Shut up, shut up, everyone. Okay, first of all, first of all, Marina, you got ripped off, I met sweater. Sorry, but it's true. Girl, friend, whatever. Second of all, if you don't buckle down and concentrate, we're not gonna have an office to come back to. It's that simple.
It's Enya's greatest hits. Oh, I'm so relaxed. Yes, Enya, man.
Yes, listen to that, man. I haven't heard that. That's not wearing pants. I don't think that's wearing pants. What? That is completely outrageous.
I mean, it's, you know what, this video conference is over. A few updates on post-production. Our servers are almost at optimal functionality, which is great. That means we can start editing again really quickly, which means that a lot of our old cuts can come back from...
Add in the whole peanut butter joke. Then go back to more, Dan! Gotta get dressed. Yes! Okay. Is this almond butter as good as peanut butter?
What is this? Alright, let's, I'm gonna move on. Emily, do you have anything you want to... Emily? Hey, Em? What? Huh? Oh, no, this is Emily's memeaw.
She's staying with me for the weekend. Do any of you know how to open Solitaire? Oh, no, I just downloaded a virus. Hey, can you guys keep it down? Hey, Marina, I didn't know you were in this meeting. Oh, I'm not about to record a new haul video for my YouTube channel. Ready?
Only three hundred dollars! Rate and subscribe, please. Wow, sweater, huh? Cheap. Oh, that's a really good price.
Shut up! Shut up, everyone, okay?
First of all, first of all, Marina, you got ripped off by Matt's sweater. Sorry, but it's true. Girl, friend, whatever. Second of all, if you don't buckle down and concentrate, we're not gonna have an office to come back to. It's that simple. It's... What's that noise?
It's Enya's greatest hits. Oh, I'm so relaxed. Yes, Enya, man.
Yes, listen to that, man. I haven't heard that... That's not where it passed. I don't think that's where it passed.
What? That is completely outrageous. I mean, it's... You know what? This video conference is over. |
SaturdayNightLive | summer_of_trump_cold_open_snl | And now, a message from former President Donald Trump from his new home, the barricades outside of a Manhattan courthouse. Thank you for coming to visit me in my cage at the Zoo. I'm really enjoying these post-court press conferences in this very weird and depressing hallway. I don't like being in court because they say very mean things about me while I am trying to sleep. but I love being out here in the hallway outside court. daring judge to imprison me, he gave me a gag order. I said, that sounds like a challenge on Rupaul. But, you know, in many ways, court has been great for me. it's been very eye-closening. Unfortunately, at the end of this trial, it looks like I'm getting a very harsh sentence and being sent to a horrible place. I do not want to go to the White House. do not want to go back to the White House, but it appears people want to send me there.
I don't know why. I don't know. I couldn't tell you.
For me, much better to not win and say it was rigged and then get very rich raising money to stop the steal, and you never have to do president again. I like that a lot. you should do that. But now my defense in this trial is about to begin on Monday. And, trust me, I would love to testify. I'm not afraid to testify at all. I'm just not going to out of fear.
You see, they do a terrible thing when you testify, which is, they write it down, and we don't like that. uh-oh, that was a juror. did you see her face? Everyone just saw her face, and now her life is over, folks. my people are going to screenshot her face and dox her to hell. Oh, we love to dox. got to pull the kids out of school, sweetie. pull the kids out of school. they call her juror nine, but to me, she's, like, a six, baby. Now, don't get over it. Now, a lot of people are asking about my Vp. we love to say, Vp. Vp. like, uh, Veepe with Elaine from Seinfeld. she can't dance, but I'm not going to announce my Vp pick just yet. in many ways, it will be determined by the winner of the Jake Paul, Mike Tyson fight, so we'll be watching that very closely. But I have invited a few names from my short bus, I mean my short list, to come to court and do a little dance for me. they're supposed to be running the Kenchie, but instead, they're sitting in porn court, hoping I'll smile at them. It's really sad. it's very sad.
First, we've got South Carolina Senator Tim Scott. Yeah! Senator Tim Scott in the his-offs!
And I'm here to help Trump win the black vote, specifically my vote, you know? No other black votes, though, because Black people do not like me. it's true. I'm more popular than you among the blacks, which is really saying something. you know, folks have called my support a Trump humiliating, But trust me, I am my own man, All right? when Donald Trump says jump, I don't say how hot.
I say, here comes a jump I was going to do anyway. hey! good. Next, of course, we have a total sweetheart and, frankly, kind of a hottie-boom body. it's South Dakota Governor Kristi. Noh. Get set.
I'm kidding. it's a fake dog, but it's a real gun. You know, Kristi could be an interesting pick for Vp because, on one hand, she shot a dog, which you really can't do. don't shoot dogs, folks. she jumped the shark when she shot the dog, Fonzie. But, on the other hand, she shot a dog, which is pretty awesome. I kill goats, too.
Okay, you're making it worse, sweetie. Kristi Nohme, everybody. And, finally, my last and favorite choice is a man I can't stop talking about in my rallies. it's the late, great Hannibal Lecter. there he is. look at him. I keep calling him late and great, even though he's not dead, he's not great, and he's not real. But I think he would really scare everybody at the Border, right? can anyone else see him or is it just me? Okay, get him out of here. we're done. he's giving me pence vibes. I don't like that. Well, I should probably wrap this up because it's almost summer, and I promise it's going to be the summer of Trump. you're going to get that Trump espresso. there's many fun things to look forward to. I'll be selling more Trump Bibles. but this summer, I'm doing Jewish Bible, as well. they call it Torah. be a love Bible, but think Jesus was just a regular guy, then pick up Trump Torah. And then, of course, I'm going to be doing another January 6, this time in July. it's going to be fun to see all those guys back at the Capitol, but this time in shorts. And finally, just remember, if you're tired about hearing all of my trials, all you got to do is vote for me, and it'll all go away. So, in the words of my hero and mentor, the late, great Hannibal Lecter, live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
cracked | we_can_impeach_donald_trump_at_any_time_hint_the_emoluments_clause | Hey you, it's I, me.
Ever since President Trump became the name of our president, you may have heard a lot about emoluments, and some they call the emoluments clause. The emoluments clause. The emolument clause. The emoluments clause. The Constitution. Emoluments. The emoluments clause. The emol- emoluments clause. An emoluments magnet. The emoluments clause. It violates the emoluments clause. Well before now, the last time you heard about emoluments was probably from that child's rhyme. Emoluments, emoluments, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast as you emoluments. But I'm a grown up big boy now, and I don't need rhymes. So what's the emoluments clause?
Well it's in the United States Constitution, so you know, pretty important. Kind of important. Pretty. Pretty important. It goes like this.
No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States, and no person holding any office of profit or trust under them shall, without the consent of the Congress, accept of any present emolument office or title of any kind whatever from any king, prince, or foreign state. Basically, no one in office of the U.S. government can accept gifts or payments from a foreign state.
Makes sense. Seems ethical. Seems like it could help avoid corruption, protect democracy. So why does this clause exist?
Oh! Oh good! I nailed it.
The founding fathers were big on the late Roman Republic. Makes sense when you're trying to create a democracy, but you're surrounded by monarchies. You'd look to some of the few democratic examples out there. So they modeled a lot on the Roman Republic, hence, you know, the senate being called the Senate.
Both of our birds are the eagle. See? Good boy.
But the founding fathers also knew that the Republic fell, largely due to corruption, leaders trying to enrich themselves, powerful men abusing their power. And the founding fathers ran into this problem early on. When Ben Franklin returned from France after being ambassador for 9 years, King Louis the letters gave him a portrait of himself set in 408 diamonds. People started wondering if this gift would corrupt him. The founders were worried as an extravagant gift, such as 408 diamonds, could potentially influence one's decisions. So they added this clause.
No gifts, no payments from foreign leaders or governments. Not even, like, 403 diamonds.
So you know what I mean, isn't it? Lots!
Some of them even presidents. Andrew Jackson received a gold medal from Colombian President Simon Bolivar, but Congress determined he could not keep it. Rather than go the standard Andrew Jackson route and just, like, f***ing kill somebody about it, he gave the gift up. Martin Van Buren received from the imam of Muscat two Arabian horses, rose oil and rose water, cashmere shawls, a Persian rug, and a sword. He knew he wasn't allowed to keep these gifts, but Congress did let him sell them and deposit the proceeds into the Treasury. But the clause doesn't only apply to gifts.
More recently, Jimmy Carter owned a peanut farm, but put it into a blind trust so that it could not affect his decision making. If, say, Mexico bought some Carter peanuts, it could potentially affect Carter's policies and decisions regarding Mexico. Like, well, they bought my peanuts, so I won't force them to pay for a wall that Americans will ultimately actually have to pay for.
Stuff like that. When Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, there was a right-wing uproar about whether or not he should accept it, because it might affect his decision making and get him to do more peace, I guess? Ultimately, he donated the prize money to the charity. Which brings us to... LOTS! Some of them obvious.
President Trump is a business owner. He's made and lost millions, or allegedly billions, by building hotels and putting his name on stuff. But now that he's the president, this creates an unethical situation for him. Emoluments aren't just gifts like swords and horses. It's a payment of any kind. He is the most powerful man in the world, making decisions that affect Americans and Earthlings in general. And he has hotels all around the world. It is extremely easy for someone to pay him money in order to garner influence. It is extremely easy for the powerful man to get people to pay him and his company, because he's the president.
For example, the Kuwaiti embassy regularly holds an event for its national day, at the Four Seasons in Georgetown. After pressure from the Trump Organization, they change the event to be at the Trump International Hotel in DC instead. For another example, a lobbying firm from Saudi Arabia stayed at the Trump Hotel.
Now you can say that this won't have any influence on President Trump. A historically ethical and honest man. But even if it doesn't influence his very great brain, it does not change the fact that foreign states are able to funnel money into his pockets via his hotels and organization, which he has not divested from or put in a blind trust like Jimmy Carter did with his humble peanut farm. Both George W. Bush's and Barack Obama's ethics lawyers have made it very clear that the president owning hotels across the globe is a clear ethics violation and violates the emoluments clause, which is an impeachable offense.
Perhaps the most glaring offense to this, though, is something that happened between President Trump and China. For at least a decade, Trump has tried to get a trademark for his name, which is Trump for those just joining us, and has failed. China has clear rules about this, and they have consistently denied his request for a trademark. Cut to November 8th, and suddenly Donald Trump is president. You may remember some hubbub amidst all the other motherf***ing hubbub, in which Trump angered China by speaking with Taiwan and violating the One China policy. After getting elected, he literally said that he didn't feel the need to abide by the One China policy, quote, unless we make a deal with China having to do with other things.
Okay. Some art of the deal s***. Yeah. Trump loves art. So, later, on February 9th, President Trump spoke with China's president, and said that he would indeed honor the One China policy. Great.
Five days later, China gave him his trademark. The trademark he'd been trying to get for more than 10 years, but was denied because China had rules against it.
So, I don't know. Anything to add, me? President Trump, a historically ethical and honest man. Nice try, me.
It's clear that he's benefiting from this. Financially, a lot. This is the kind of corruption the founding fathers were worried about. A picture frame with 408 diamonds, or a trademark that will earn him millions of dollars for years into the future. A peanut farm, or Trump hotels popping up all over the planet. A Persian rug and a sword, or a $100,000 membership fee to his private club, Mar-a-Lago, where you can schmooze with the president because he's there literally every weekend, taking people's money. A membership fee that was doubled to $200,000 once he became the president.
Ugh. Not much.
One way involves suing the Trump organization, which is slowly going to happen thanks to New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, the same man who sued Trump University for fraud and got President Trump to settle for $25 million. The same man that President Trump seems to tweet a lot about his eyeliner, which he doesn't wear. Fun President guy.
Another route is simpler, and should have happened months ago. Congress can impeach him. Seriously, they could do it right now. They could have done it on January 21st. His actions already are impeachable, per the Constitution.
The conflicts and ethics should be clear. As a president who cares about the American people and stopping corruption, Trump should be fine divesting from his company, putting his company in a blind trust, and stop making money from rich people staying in hotels. Or give all the money to charity. Or turn the fancy towers into housing for the homeless.
I don't know. Just like, put your money where your loud dumb mouth is. Mr. President, I'll do respect. But he won't.
So Congress should, you know, impeach him. Yesterday. What you can do is call your congressperson and tell them to call for an investigation into President Trump's clear violations of the Constitution's emoluments clause. Call your senators every day.
As much as using your phone as a phone is a f***ing drag, it's effective. They listen. A surge of phone calls stopped Congress from gutting the Independent Ethics Committee. They influenced Congress members to not vote for Trumpcare. Phone calls are tallied. They're listened to. They may not work, but they may work. So let them know that you know that the president is breaking the law and there are clear ethics violations at play here.
Call him! Pick up your phone right now! Maybe you're watching this video on your phone, so just minimize the window. Go to whoismyrepresentative.com. Put in your zip code. Get their name and number! Open up that phone app you got on your phone. Dial that s***! Call them! Tell them!
And do that every day for the next eight years. Eight years?
Oooohhhhhhhh! Ahh! Hey!
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cracked | obscure_anime_that_fixes_the_stupid_live_action_versions_canonball | Anime sure loves to absolutely destroy stuff, like it's go-to victim, Tokyo Tower. Other things that Japanese animation has been known to obliterate include your social life, if you get a little too into it, or visits to the squid exhibit at your local aquarium, if you get a little too into a very specific kind of anime. But there are actually two wolves inside Japanese animation, and no, I'm no longer talking about that very specific kind of anime. On the one hand, yes, the genre does have the power to destroy, but it can also create and improve upon, like when Japan made a bunch of anime based on or inspired by horrible American movies and actually fixed all of their problems, creating some of the best installments of their respective franchises.
So today, let's take a look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that even the minions won't touch with a 10-foot pole. We're talking space vampires, chainsaw swords, and the other thing that everyone seems to get wrong about the Punisher. This is cannonball. Number four, Avengers Confidential, Black Widow and Punisher. The 1989, 2004, and 2008 live-action Punisher movies, plus the standalone Netflix TV show, were, well, bad isn't the right word here.
The cinematic equivalent of Viagra for people sporting a goatee truck sunglasses combo in their Facebook profile picture is probably a little more accurate. I'm getting powers!
No one is saying there wasn't some good in them, but if someone served you a bowl of gray slop and you found a few slices of pepperoni in it, it wouldn't change the fact that Papa John had royally fucked up your pizza order. Although, I guess they could always call it Chicago style and have a few unhinged lunatics defended to the death, much like some weirdos do with the Punisher movies. The so-called deep dish pizza was a crime against food. Speaking of pizza, it's also the perfect metaphor for the Punisher.
Both start with a P, that's important. Both are originally from Italy but were perfected in America.
And despite what every college student would have you believe, they're not a proper meal on their own. Chocolate chip pizza!
They need something to balance them out, which is why the only decent live-action portrayal of Frank Castle was in the Daredevil Netflix series. But Daredevil wasn't the first to realize that the Punisher doesn't work well as a solo act. The show was actually beaten to the punch by Avengers Confidential, Black Widow, and Punisher, a 2014 straight-to-video anime by Madhouse. That's the same studio that helped bring us Ninja Scroll, Vampire Hunter D, Bloodlust, Trigun, Black Lagoon, and a couple of obscure series called Death Note and One Punch Man. By using your keen powers of observation, like hearing me read the title out loud back then, you may have deduced that the movie stars the Punisher and Black Widow. But it also includes characters like Nick Fury, Hulk, Iron Man, Hawkeye, Captain Marvel, and Thor. Thankfully, they're mostly minor cameos, allowing the anime to focus on Frank and Natasha.
And fix every mistake made by previous Punisher properties along the way. For one, it spends a total of, like, 10 seconds on the Punisher's origin. It shows us quick flashbacks to the time his family was killed, crucially without then revealing that the movie's big bad was behind it. That was a recurring problem with previous Punishers, like Dolph Lundgren's, Thomas Jane's, and John Bernthal's. Their movies and shows replaced the random slaughter of the Castle family with targeted hits that gave Frank a specific enemy to hunt down. The Punisher just shouldn't be going after a single person or group who wronged him. He's fighting a never-ending war against all crime, which you only get if the death of his family was random. Take that away, and the character ceases to be the Punisher and becomes, I don't know, the Vengenator?
The Venga boy? If only there was a word for someone who avenges. Like a truth team! Like some kind of Justice League?
Now, because all the anime Punisher cares about is killing criminals to protect civilians, he doesn't do big, complicated plans. Or concern himself with things like the big picture, or using small fish to get to the big fish. Instead, all he wants is to create a big Jackson Pollock painting by blowing the small fish's brains out.
In short, this Punisher is much more suited for the name Modok than Marvel's flying Humpty Dumpty, because the anime version of Frank actually is a mental organism designed only for killing. That's actually how Frank comes across Black Widow and S.H.I.E.L.D. in Avengers Confidential, by ruining one of their surveillance ops with beautifully animated Ultra Violence, which still somehow comes off as less cartoonish than Punisher Warzone, where Frank punches someone's face off. All that being said, the anime Punisher isn't completely one-note. He often shows signs of humanity, like when he gives an approving nod to a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent after recognizing him as a fellow marine.
Or when he jokingly shoots Iron Man in the face, seconds after the two run into each other. It's fine, Tony probably gets that all the time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, use your words.
More importantly, though, Frank does all of that while wearing his skull logo, which appeared for maybe five minutes total in the entire Punisher Netflix series and was completely absent from the Dolph Lundgren movies. It's almost like the live-action Punishers felt ashamed to be based on comic books. The anime... does not have that problem. It fully embraces the fact that the Punisher is a regular human in a world of Thunder Gods, and that his only superpower is guns. He's an objectively ridiculous character, and you can either ignore it and fail trying to turn his story into a serious drama, or you can lean into that ridiculousness by dressing him in a vest with a painted-on boner face, some people call it a skull, and showing him holding his own alongside super-powered characters who can destroy buildings by frowning at them really hard.
The movie also has a pretty great Black Widow story that's much better than her solo live-action movie. But that's a low bar to clear, since all it took was showing Natasha not blowing up a child in Budapest.
Go clear. Number 3.
Marvel Anime X-Men The X-Men movies have been on a worse slide than the time I had tenacious diarrhea at Action Park, and nobody noticed for a while. Too much iron in your blood. Pretty much everything past the second movie, with the exception of Logan and First Class, just kept getting worse and worse. Culminating in the 2019 box office bomb, Dark Phoenix, which still has a lower Rotten Tomatoes rating than X-Men Origins Wolverine. For context, a snuff film featuring your grandma and a beloved childhood pet could get a higher rating than Origins Wolverine, no matter who was killing whom.
You're right in there. Yeah, I'm fine.
The plot of the Dark Phoenix saga is very simple. Is what a bunch of suits apparently think. But no, it was actually a massive comic event that took almost a year to conclude. Broadly speaking, the story dealt with the telepathic and telekinetic Jean Grey getting her powers cranked up to 11 and turning evil. But there was much more to it than that. So much so that it's basically impossible to tell the Dark Phoenix saga in a single movie. And we know that for sure, because Hollywood tried and failed to do it twice now, in Dark Phoenix and, 13 years earlier, in X-Men 3, The Last Stand. The 90s animated series handled it much better by spreading the story over many episodes. But the 2011 X-Men anime went a slightly different route. Part of the Marvel anime series, which also included Iron Man, Wolverine, and Blade getting their own Japanese shows, the X-Men anime actually opens with Jean mid-rampage as the Dark Phoenix, begging Scott to kill her so she doesn't hurt her friends. This was a super ballsy move on the show's part, but one that also kind of makes a lot of sense. The Dark Phoenix saga is the most adapted X-Men story ever.
Even non-comic book fans know the basic gist of it. It's the murder of Bruce Wayne's parents, or Krypton blowing up, or Spider-Man having to tape down his junk so his Peter Porker doesn't show through his skin-tight suit. Just things everybody knows about. With great power comes great responsibility.
So the X-Men anime reckoned that, if everyone was mostly familiar with the Dark Phoenix story, it can jump straight to the end of it and focus on the story's consequences. That's why, instead of showing Jean turning into the Phoenix, the anime shows you the aftermath of the team losing a beloved member, which causes them to break up, revealing Jean as the heart of the group that held everyone together. Most tried to move on with their lives, except for Cyclops. He fell into a deep depression, camping out at the site of Jean's death for a year, and adding the power of projectile ball smell to the list of his mutant abilities. The team does eventually get back together to save a mutant girl, though Cyclops' primary reason for coming back was realizing that he wasn't honoring Jean's memory and instead using it as an excuse to become a mutant hobo. He returned to the X-Men to make the death of the love of his life mean something, vowing to fulfill her wish of mutants being a guiding light for the rest of humanity. Now that might be one of the most psychologically complex themes in the entire X-Men franchise, and it came from a character that the live-action film spent years convincing you was boring.
The anime does throw breadcrumb hints about what happened during Jean's turn to the dark side, but it's never spoon-fed. If you want to be spoon-fed by a costumed hero, just hire a private mommy for adult babies like a normal person. The other great thing about the X-Men anime is that it's not just an exploration of grief and trauma. There are legitimately funny moments in it, like Wolverine trying to get past the metal detectors at an airport and saying, Problem isn't in my pants. And of course, there's plenty of action to keep you clicking on next episode, including some of the all-time best scenes of Storm using her powers, because here they're all massive and chaotic and untamed. But because effects like that might obscure the face of the actress playing Storm, the best we got from the live-action movies was Halle Berry, looking like she was posing next to some Tesla coils.
You know what happens to a toad when it struck my lightning? Ahhhh!
Number two, Ultraviolet Code 44. Ultraviolet is the 2006 spiritual successor to Kurt Wimmer's Equilibrium, where Christian Bale does a bunch of gun karate so he can breed poetry. Look, it makes sense in context, but Wimmer was reportedly unsatisfied with how this gunkata martial art turned out on screen and vowed to make a movie that would better reflect his firearm ballet vision. And that's how we got Ultraviolet, a dystopian sci-fi thriller made not to tell a good story, but rather as an excuse for loosely connected action scenes. And boy does it show. Sadly, it's the only thing about Ultraviolet where things are shown instead of told, with the movie being 90-plus minutes of clumsy exposition and CGI that looks like a Soviet knockoff of reboot. The movie focuses on Violet, played by Mila Jovovich, an invincible sci-fi vampire fighting for the liberation of other sci-fi vampires, known as hemophages, whose struggle is presented as the most ham-fisted, tasteless allegory of the Holocaust since, I don't know, the last sci-fi allegory of the Holocaust.
Seriously, maybe we should stop doing those. I'm doing my part.
The movie kicks off when Violet gets her hands on a child, played by Cameron Bright, whose magic blood can kill sci-fi vampires. You really have to admire this specific acting niche that Cameron Bright found for himself, seeing as he also played a kid with magic blood in X-Men 3, The Last Stand, and later a vampire in the Twilight saga.
Do you understand anything I'm saying to you?
So what little plot Ultraviolet did have wasn't exactly the pinnacle of originality. That's where Ultraviolet, Code 44, comes in. Thankfully only loosely based on the live-action movie, the 2008 Code 44 anime is just as action-packed as the original. But here it's done to help push the plot forward, and you would need plenty of action to do that, because there's only so much story to the anime.
The government agent known as 44, inspired by Violet, is a cloned soldier, mutated with the sci-fi vampire virus that gives her super strength and agility, but also shortens her lifespan. Her mission is to eradicate all the actual sci-fi vampires who are trying to set up their own country in outer space, because telescopes use mirrors, and since vampires have no reflections, no one would be able to spot them up in space Albanian.
It's the perfect crime. Look! A ghost cop!
Anyway, the Ultraviolet movie supposedly dealt with a similar story, but it was all done via dialogue and took place on boring old Earth. Here we get to see these space draculas struggle to organize and protect themselves, and fight for their basic human, I guess, basic sci-fi vampire rights. But their story is only half the plot. The other half deals with how the world of Ultraviolet treats clones, treating them as disposable tools to be used as soldiers and manual laborers. We get a lot of insight into the life of a clone through the eyes of 44, like how all she cares about is finishing her mission and then dying, so she can escape the hell that is her life of murder servitude.
Murder-tude? Or serv-a-tirter?
Despite being fully aware of her position in life, for the longest time 44 doesn't rebel, because of a lifetime of brainwashing and general hopelessness. Dead but delicious. An exploited servant of the state, just accepting their shit fate because the system oppressing them seems too big to defeat?
Where does sci-fi get these crazy ideas? Violet was your typical badass sci-fi heroine, but 44 is way more complex. She's melancholic and fatalistic, but is still capable of experiencing awe and joy. She's also naked a lot during the anime series, but here it's always shot in such a cold, impersonal way that it almost looks like the series is poking fun at the live-action movie, whose gratuitous nude scenes were apparently shot at a strip club that hates people with epilepsy. When you're a vampire, you become very sexy. And instead of being an undefeatable terminatrix like Violet, 44 gets her ass kicked on more than a few occasions, which I can certainly relate to. The anime isn't exactly free of sci-fi cliches, but it at least feels like it's set in the real world, albeit in the future, primarily by showing extras dressed like regular people instead of professional spoon-feeding nanny mommies. Add to that the occasional symbolic imagery and fast-paced action, and you get the best possible version of a story whose initial draft was probably Kurt Wimmer just making a bunch of gun and katana noises with his mouth.
Number one, Highlander, the search for vengeance. By all accounts, the original Highlander movie should have been a flop. It was the story of a French guy pretending to be Scottish, a Scottish guy pretending to be Spanish by way of ancient Egypt, and a guy from Ohio playing a proto-Indo-European barbarian, all trying to kill each other to win the chance to die. But sprinkle some urban sword fights in there and set it all to a Queen soundtrack, and you got yourself one of the most iconic movies ever made. But as the movie was so fond of saying, as in, the Highlander franchise got to have one good movie and that's it. All of its follow-ups and spin-offs often were considered the worst sequels or just worst movies period ever made in Highlander 2.
But quickening.
Connor McCloud, played by Christopher Lambert, loses his wife to space radiation, with her final wish being for him to fix the ozone layer. So he and a bunch of scientists get right on that, creating an electromagnetic barrier that envelops the Earth, blocking out the night sky and giving everyone never-ending seasonal depression. Also, all the immortals turn out to be aliens from the planet Zeist and enemies of their homeworld's brutal dictator, General Katana.
Highlander 2 isn't a movie. It's basically a bunch of 90s cartoons in a trench coat pretending to be a movie.
With Captain Planet at the top of the pile. The power is yours!
All other installments of the franchise similarly disregarded the themes and rules of the first movie, always trying new but really baffling things. Highlander, the source, didn't even feature Lambert's Connor McCloud and primarily took place on a cannibal island off the coast of Lithuania in the far future. It was so bad that one producer described the source as, quote, a bad dream that the main character Duncan McCloud had.
I'm you over there.
So the 2007 anime film Highlander, The Search for Vengeance, had a big job ahead of it. To bring dignity back to the cinematic equivalent of a naked clown corpse. And against all odds, it actually succeeded. Setting the tone perfectly in the first few minutes with what the Highlander franchise had been lacking all these years. A chainsaw the size of a surfboard being used like a sword. Search for Vengeance plays by the rules set up by the original movie while also paying tiny homages to the sequels that butchered said rules. Harder than Sean Connery butchered his Spanish accent.
Men will fear you. Try to drive you away.
It's easy to ignore the world established by previous films and make up your own semi-original story from the get-go. But it takes creativity to play the cards you were dealt while still being your own thing. And that's exactly what this anime accomplishes.
Search for Vengeance technically takes place over many centuries. But similar to some Highlander sequels, the bulk of it is set in a far dystopian future full of mutants, ecological disasters, and super kick-ass sci-fi tech. Like Robo Spider Soldiers. The movie also foregoes the story of a tournament where immortals give each other head jobs until they ejaculate lightning in favor of a tale of revenge spanning over two millennia. The immortal hero Colin, a Celtic warrior, loses his entire tribe and his wife after they're wiped out by a Roman legion led by another immortal, Marcus Octavius, who continuously refers to Colin as a barbarian. Colin then spends thousands of years hunting Marcus. That kind of sounds like a partially inverted version of the original movie, where it was Christopher Lambert's Connor who spent centuries looking for the barbarian Kurgan for killing his loved ones. But there are lots of things that set the anime apart from the live-action movie.
Marcus is just a much better nemesis than the Kurgan. The Kurgan was a sadistic killer who enjoyed inflicting pain on others. Marcus Octavius is a sophisticated fascist who dreams of creating a perfect utopia that would only know peace. And he'll kill millions to make it happen. That's why he allied himself with some of history's biggest villains over the centuries. From the Mongol Empire to Nazi Germany, which even the minions wouldn't touch.
The action is also miles above what the original Highlander gave us because animation can do things that live-action will never be capable of. This applies to both regular anime and that very specific kind of anime we talked about earlier. The fights in Search for Vengeance are lightning fast and adrenaline filled. Pretty much everything that the 1986 movie probably would have been if it had the means, the budget, and the courage to give audiences around the world eyeball orgasms. The backgrounds also look like a mix of Mad Max and Blade Runner. Combine that with a subplot of exploited people trying to get their hands on a vaccine and you end up with not just one of the best Highlander films ever but one that's oddly prescient. If there can be only one film that you watch today, make sure it's Highlander, The Search for Vengeance.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and jump in the comments to let me know which films about the adult baby community I should cover. So far I have Jack, Benjamin Button, and I'm kind of stumped after that. I guess baby geniuses. |
TheOnion | AFAJP_Celebrity_Testimonials | Hello, I'm Tom Hanks, thank you.
As an artist with a taste for excellence, I find it odd, truly odd, that The Onion has yet to be honored by whoever it is that awards the Pulitzer Prize. In fact, I'm angry. There's no question in my mind that they are deserving of journalism's highest honor, the Pulitzer Prize. It's high time for The Onion to receive the Pulitzer Prize. If The Onion does not receive a Pulitzer, I will make sure that every link on The Huffington Post goes directly to the Columbia Journalism School website and cripples it. And I urge you, the Pulitzer Prize committee, to consider The Onion, America's finest news source. The Onion deserves a Pulitzer Prize, now. Hey, cocksuckers, how about taking your heads out of your collective asses, wiping off your shit-caked eyes, and giving The Onion a Pulitzer. I think The Onion should also get a Pulitzer Prize. Pulitzer Prize committee, you know, you may be sick, all of you. Please, please help The Onion win that Pulitzer Prize. I thank you. |
cracked | the_most_expensive_movie_you_ve_never_heard_of_cracked_responds | You ready for monster trucks? Oh, yeah. I can't wait.
Oh, it's a live action. I would have thought cartoon. It's basically a cartoon. Whoa, what is that, a squid? Yeah, it's a mutated radioactive squid. Oh, that's cute. It's like a little buddy comedy. It's smart.
It's a monster truck. You named him Creech? He reminds me of one of those stress balls that kind of feels like a boob. Aren't you curious about where it came from? There's a bunch. They were just squirming together, having a weird monster truck orgy. I guess the monsters are the engine. Ooh, that was cool. And they know kung fu. That's going to be a huge wake up call when he has to, like he thinks he's learning how to drive, and he has to drive a real car, and he's like, monster, go. Go, monster.
It just doesn't go. How come I haven't heard much of this movie? No, no one has. It has been buried in January.
That movie costs $125 million to make. No way. Yeah, I think they figured they would make it, and then they'd figure out why they were making it. And that second part just didn't happen. I think it was supposed to be like Transformers, but monsters instead of aliens, I guess, in the cars. I would think like sometimes they make movies like this. They're like, oh, we're going to make so many products.
I don't think I would want a stuffed animal looking. Like that looks like that monster. That looks disgusting. Like Godzilla's dick.
I love you too. According to the synopsis, they are subterranean creatures that an oil company woke up like Cloverfield. So it could be a prequel to Cloverfield.
Clearly, this is just the baby monsters. So the parent monsters will show up and be like, oh, that's cute. You're playing with our babies. Anyway, we're going to eat all of you now.
I have a lot of questions. The most important one being why. And what gender is the monster? And do they fuck? I mean, like the biggest question. They fuck all the time, probably.
You said a kid came up with this? Yeah. How old was the kid? Yeah, when they say his kid, do they mean like his 30-year-old son? His 30-year-old son. Oh, no, it says, OK, monster trucks was conceived in 2013 by Adam Goodman, often an idea that he bandied about with his then four-year-old son. I feel like it's like that movie, Liar Liar, where the kid wished.
It's like, dad, you've got to make this a movie. And then now he has to do it. I think they shot like 90% of the movie. And they're like, and then we'll get Vin Diesel to film the rest.
Right, right, right. Oh, Vin Diesel, or The Rock. Or The Rock, yeah. Yeah, I don't know who this movie is for. Because right now, it's the dude who played Havoc and Danny Glover and Rob Lowe. So you got your Wayne's World fans, your Lethal Weapon fans, got all of them, and then all the kids, all the kids love Lucas Till. So they got a good demographic cook in there. I think it's made just for me, really.
Yeah, you're going to see it? Oh, yeah. In theaters? Oh, yeah, we're going, yeah, opening day.
I bet whoever came up with the title, too, they think it's so clever. Yeah, they took the rest of the day off after coming up with that title.
The trucks aren't monsters. They're truck monsters. Yeah, it should be truck monsters, not monster trucks. Well, OK, they're trucks that are technically monsters also. So I guess it's- But monsters don't have to be in the trucks, right?
That's true. Hey, guys. Thanks for watching that video. Seems like you like watching stuff.
If that's the case, please come to UCB Sunset Theater and see me, Jack O'Brien, and my not brother, Daniel O'Brien, and other crack people, presumably, along with Georgia Hartstark and Karen Kilgariff, the hosts of the My Favorite Murder podcast, as well as guests on one of our most popular episodes of the crack podcast. We're going to be talking about murder. We're going to be talking about mayhem. We're going to be talking serial killers. We're going to be talking urban legends that happen to be true.
Those are mostly synonyms. I've just heard that listing things is good for punctuating your sales pitch. Anyways, it is January 14th, 7 PM. Be there or be murdered. I can't say that, kind of. |
cracked | 4_dumb_ways_hollywood_kills_characters_because_they_think_we_re_stupid_yboc_mcu_game_of_thrones | Hey there, I read Jordans in your crack brain is a show episode. Okay, so you know movies, right? They're like plays, but they're recorded with cameras. They're pretty hard to make, and in their ruthless quest for efficiency, characters who are no longer necessary to the plot get discarded like so much trash. Is that why nobody told me we were recording?
You are not gonna get rid of me that easily, you friggin' butts! Anyway, the worst thing a movie can do is force you to picture the reality not being shown to you. The moment you imagine the wife of beloved Star Wars character Bongo Lasergood being told that his heroic sacrifice means that she now has to raise their three squid babies on her own, these children's movies about virgin space monks start to feel a bit silly. But screenwriters know that poor Bongo doesn't actually have a home to get back to. He was gonna stop existing the moment the movie ended anyway, just like how I phase out of existence when you stop watching YouTube, so please God, never stop watching YouTube! Once you know this, you'll notice that heroes are killing themselves off at a horrifying rate.
Take another famous Star Wars character, Data. In Nemesis, Captain Picard beams himself over to Tom Hardy's ship of evil to fight Tom man on man, and just like this character approaching old age is famous for not doing. But a plot device breaks the Enterprise's transporters before Picard can be brought back from his Rambo-Rampage, so Data has to magic himself over there, hand Picard a special one-shot transporter and vent it just for the scene, and then shoot the ship's glowing weak point until it explodes like he's playing a bad video game. Star Trek has a million ways to solve this problem. They could have transported a bomb, they could have used the transporters on the shuttles, they could have tried other solutions that I won't reveal because I don't want you to know how much Star Trek I've watched, but old Brent didn't want to play Data anymore and draw my demand sacrifice, so they had a character known for his problem-solving abilities and his curiosity about life struggle and say, eh, continuing to exist is overrated.
Goodbye. You may also remember this from X2, X-Men Unite to make one of the few good X-Men movies when after stopping the bad guys from doing bad guy stuff, the X-plane stops working quite as a damn burst and threatens to drown them all. Hey, performance issues happen to everyone, except Data. Jean Grey sneaks off the jet and uses her incredible psychic powers to hold back the waters while she raises the plane full of her friends to safety. And once they're good, the flood overwhelms her and she drowns. Heroic sacrifice status, complete. But why couldn't she do all that from the safety of the plane? Was dying less awkward than dumping Cyclops?
Hell, have whatever argument you want about magic mutant powers, but the real answer is that they needed to kill Jean off so they could resurrect her in the terrible, terrible sequel. But Jean didn't know that, so think about this moment from her perspective. Stay out of my head. That's a woman in the prime of her life, immediately deciding to off herself without even trying anything else. But movies need blood and sequel teases, so Jean marches to her death like she's popping out to buy Beast a new flea collar.
And full circle, no franchise is more obsessed with this than Jean Roddenberry's Star Wars. In Rogue One, Force Whitaker decides to give up and take a Death Star laser to the face, and Solo's cautious and pragmatic val blows herself up the moment she's pinned down by a couple of droids. And after effortlessly slaughtering thousands of stormtroopers, the Mandalorian's Taika Waititi Quitbot turns himself into a suicide bomb to defeat the ultimate challenge, like five more stormtroopers. These characters might mutter something about sacrificing themselves for the greater good, but that greater good is the script. There's just no room for them in the adventures that follow, and if you don't show their smoldering corpses, dorks will obsess over whether they might return to reveal that maybe this character actually performed Luke Skywalker's circumcision. No one in Star Wars is allowed to just leave to run a space orphanage in the galaxy they supposedly care about, and so the moment that there's no room for them, they have to go out in a blaze of glory to motivate the other characters. It's fine in isolation, but see it happen often enough, and it's like the official motto of Star Wars is, Remember kids, the moment things get tough, you should just give up and die.
In Captain Marvel, Marvel introduces Captain Marvel, a Captain who's so marvelous that all the other superheroes look like chumps by comparison. And so when Infinity War rolls around and the mighty Thanos moves off the space rock he spent a decade frowning atop, Captain Marvel heroically waits on the sidelines. She's off helping space refugees, which wouldn't be a noble cause under literally any other circumstance than a purple Josh Brolin annihilating half the universe. How are those space refugees going to fare when half of them get sucked into the air conditioning? But she's the only Avenger who could squash Thanos like a bug, and it would be too ironic for a movie titled Infinity War to be resolved in under two minutes, so Nick Fury doesn't think to play their trump card until he's mid disintegration.
Quicksilver is hastily written out of Days of Future Past for the exact same reason. We see him incapacitate several armed guards while redirecting their bullets, and it's so little effort for him that he pauses to pick a song, steal a hat, and try a sauce that's flying through the air. Quicksilver can treat reality like a diorama whenever he wants. But he's immediately kicked off the team because Charles doesn't want to endanger him, but for frickin' what? Nothing they face would be even the slightest obstacle for Quicksilver.
Boner!
I don't think you have the paws. Dark Phoenix also sidelines him, but no one noticed because only four people saw that movie, and five of them walked out halfway through.
We'll figure everything out together. Just come back to me. Remember? You said you'd always come back to me.
In The Dark Knight Rises, then slips and falls into a decade of bad movies, Bane traps Gotham City's entire police force in the sewers with the same level of guile I used to trick my dog into going to the vet. That's because the first thing any movie about superheroes has to do is find a way to sideline the non-heroic authority figures since it would just look weird if a wheezing Tom Hardy got arrested halfway through his speech on society's ills. Speaking of reality intervening, movies sometimes have to work around actors leaving the franchise or, sadly, dying. After Paul Walker's tragic death, The Fate of the Furious alludes to his character Brian when the heroes discuss recruiting him for their latest job, but because he's now a family man, they decide to let him live in peace. That would be a great way to tastefully ride out Brian if the fast gang was returning to their roots and stealing VHS players, but their goal in F8 is to stop a super villain threatening the entire world with nuclear Armageddon. It's kinda hard to enjoy being a family man when that means teaching your children to defend themselves from roving packs of radioactive cannibals. Did I just spoil the plot of Fast Ten? I'm not saying that movies should be about heroes effortlessly steamrolling their opposition, but if characters aren't sidelined with subtlety, it gives me a jarring reminder that their world isn't real and that a couple of hours from now I have to go do that laundry I've been putting off for the past seven years.
If writers can't make their characters busy, sometimes they just suddenly make them stupid. It's called giving them the idiot ball. This is called the idiot ball because it's what characters are given when they suddenly need to become much, much stupider.
Take the wildly misleading Baby Driver, which was not the taxi driver set in the Boss Baby Universe movie that society just needs right now. Instead, Baby Driver features a reprehensible villain, Kevin Spacey, who's playing a guy named Doc who isn't very nice either. Doc is a criminal mastermind who is by one rule. Never use the same crew twice. Never. Criminals who get to know each other will get on each other's nerves and blow the job or decide that they don't need Doc working as their middleman. It's the same reason I got rid of Caleb.
What? Oh no, you're fine. Don't worry about it. Okay.
The one exception is Baby because he's indebted to Doc and his god-tier driving skills are rarer than the ability to wave a gun around and yell about the direction that bags of money need to move. Otherwise, Doc always, always, always switches crews, a decision that's kept him alive and on top for years, until the biggest heist of his career, at which point he says, eh, why not throw my entire life away? Man, Spacey really put himself into this role. Miss me. Doc recycles two unbalanced Bonnie and Clyde-esque lovers, although he does swap out a violent lunatic who has issues with Baby for a violent lunatic who has issues with Baby.
And shockingly, this backfires. You're smarter than that.
Again, their only job is to hold guns and yell. Doc could find an infinite supply of these people on any number of Facebook groups.
This is more than a flawed character making mistakes because mistakes and flaws are what make a character interesting. If a Bond villain just wanted to shoot Bond instead of cutting him in half with a laser, he wouldn't be a worthy Bond villain in the first place. But this is when the villain suddenly forgets that he even owns a laser and instead tries to defeat his arch-rival with a rusty pizza cutter. It's way more fun to see the heroes be smart than to see the villain suddenly turn stupid.
This cuckoo made me realize my father's life had to end. And then there's the Night King. Because, yeah, it's 2021, and I'm talking about Game of Thrones to get algorithm clicks, I hope. But anyway, for almost a decade, the Night King was the face of relentless otherworldly terror.
He was quite literally cold and calculating. Mr. King spends years carefully ordering his relentless killing machines around, and he never overextends his army. And at what point he even refuses to fight Jon because he knows that he has one of those cliched weak points that drains the entire army's batteries the moment he dies. But then, when he's finally on the cusp of total victory, he transforms into the Drama King and personally lumbers forward to attack the only threat to him. It's a huge, pointless risk that he takes seemingly only because he knows that there are cameras on him and he doesn't want to look like a wimp in front of his friends.
This abrupt personality change was made so that they could half-assidly wrap up a plot point and then hurry on to half-assidly wrap all the others up. And also just, you know, I know that none of you saw Independence Day Resurgence, but I did, and the Alien Queen does like the exact same thing, so now those two hours are justified, right? I guess so. Unlike in reality, every person in a movie exists for a reason, Dave. And sometimes that reason is just to suffer a terrible fate just to get the plot moving.
Goodbye, old friend. Uh, yeah, man, see ya.
It's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, we wouldn't have the John Wick movies if that dog hadn't died, so I'd say the dog had to die. But sometimes movies flub this, and I'm reminded that I'm watching a fake universe driven by the harsh laws of screenwriting.
Like, Take... Take It.
The vastly inferior action trilogy about using a phone to tell people that their days are numbered. I will find you. And I will fuck you.
In Take-In 1, Take-In begins, Mr. Take-In isn't on good terms with his ex-wife, Lenore Take-In. But after he rescues their 17-year-old daughter from her kidnappers and her anachronistic U2 obsession, Lenore is grateful, and there's a hint of reconciliation. And that thread continues in Take-In 2, Revenge of the Took-In, where they appear to be on much friendlier terms. Of course, that means that Lenore has to get kidnapped and brutally tortured, but Mr. Take-In saves the day. No, I don't know his real name, do you? fuck you. Then we're on to Take-In 3, Hot Take, where Lenore is comfortable enough with Liam Take-In to talk about their relationship problems. A bitterly divorced couple being able to talk as friends again is a nice little bit of character development.
And then Lenore is immediately killed to give Liam an excuse for another shooting rampage. It creates this bleak, nihilistic world where Liam Neeson is perpetually destined to only know pain and Eastern European gangsters with poor self-preservation instincts. I told you I would fuck you. And Lenore exists only to suffer and justify Neeson's angry gun boners.
She could have been a ham sandwich someone stole from his work fridge for all the difference his lost Lenore made. His lost Lenore?
I frickin' suck a butt whoever wrote Take-In. Coath the raven. Sometimes this is almost comically lazy. In the second episode of Why Don't Falcon and the Winter Soldier Just Kiss Already, the flag smashers are trying to escape some bad guys and doing my best to put aside their stupid name for a moment. One of the smashers confronts the people coming to get them to buy the rest of the group some time. You're right. And he uses his super soldier strength to knock a telephone pole across the road blocking those cars. Smart.
And then he follows that up by just staring at them for a moment and then sprinting into their bullets and dying for the cause so that audience will ask themselves, maybe these are morally complicated frickin' morons? I mean, surely he could have bought more time if he actually, you know, fought them? Or he could have just run away after knocking down the pole or something.
But no, no one is allowed to flee to live another day off camera. And God help you if you want to retire to a happy ending. I mean, when you live inside a movie, you serve the movie until the moment you are no longer useful. And then you are expected to drop dead so that even your final gaffe pushes the creaking machine just a little bit forward.
What are we talking about? Movies or... |
cracked | 8_true_story_movies_that_are_full_of_lies | A true story that's full of s**t. I hope I'm not disturbing. No. Today's session is anything like our phone call. It should be explosive. What phone call? I'm saying that when the president does it, that means it's not illegal. If they want me to get down and grubble on the floor, no. Never.
Each one of you will spend time every day with a teammate of a different race. Okay, everybody in. Let's go, let's go.
Why don't you put some training wheels on that s**t? It's funny. This does not look good. Something's got to be wrong.
Who are you talking to? Tell me who you see. Let me say Charles Herman in Russian. No, I'm that John. Open the rope, wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you.
Ethel Merman today uses the test to jam Russian radar. Here's a brief test of that jamming.
Hello, I've got a feeling. I have arranged for an honorable discharge. I'm a covert exfiltration officer, sir. They see what I'm doing. I'm not doing my job. Six of them went out of back exit. Brits turned them away, Kiwis turned them away. I believe I am. You all know what you have to do. |
cracked | the_obvious_solution_to_the_airline_problem_united_airlines | Are you tired of airlines mistreating its customers? Using unnecessary violence, policing young women's dress codes, gross negligence of prize-winning rodents. These might all be one airline, but other airlines are pretty bad too. The airline industry has been taking advantage of its customers for far too long.
It's time to say enough. It's time to get off airlines and get on a boat. Remember boats? Hi, I'm Captain Anders Cruz, Captain of the SS Luther. Yes, that's a boat.
You forgot about us, didn't you? Bet you feel dumb about that now, don't you? Yes, we're still around.
We will never drag you off our boats. There's plenty of room on boats. The average passenger airplane can hold somewhere around 200 people. In the 1800s, we were transporting over 700 people in boats across the ocean. America was founded by people dressed like an adult coral group that came here in boats. Yes, perhaps there were rats aboard our boats and you had a high chance of getting scurvy back then, but things are different now. We know about fruits now. Also, we take showers now. That really helps. Got a lot of luggage? No problem. You can bring a horse, we don't care. There's a f*** ton of space on boats. You can even come on bird, pregnant, and give birth while you're on the boat and we won't even charge you extra.
Would a plane let you do that? No. A plane won't even let you smoke cigarettes. Planes don't care about your rights. Planes just want to pack you into a tiny carpet square in between a crying baby and a Republican dad who's definitely judging your wrist tattoo.
We won't ever force you to sit next to someone you don't know. In fact, we won't ever force you to sit at all. You won't ever have to sit down on a boat.
You can just walk around. It's a boat. You know what else you can do on a boat? Lie down. You can lie down on a boat. Isn't that nice? I know what you're thinking.
What about the Titanic? That was a boat and it sank. Yeah, that was on us and we're sorry. But we have Google Maps now and also global warming has melted most of the iceberg so you really don't have to worry about that. Most of the ocean is just water and those plastic soda wrapper things that you keep thrown away even though they kill dolphins and even though you know they kill dolphins.
So next time you have to travel somewhere far away. It's ideally near a coast and also we have a six-week buffer window for your travel date. Consider hopping on a boat instead of an airplane. We promise we'll never drag you off or kill your pets. Everyone is welcome. Unless you're flat-footed or a redhead. That's bad luck on a boat. Boats! Consider us!
Hey, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe, hit that big C in the middle and if you want to watch more videos, hit one of the two boxes on the right. Also, don't forget to hit the notification bell icon below so YouTube will notify when we have a new video. |
dropout | wow_everyone_s_flirting_with_me | Yeah. Seven died. Did you say meow?
Stop laughing at me. Stop it.
All right, is everyone ready to order? Yes. Can we get a large mushroom pizza and can I get a side of anchovies? Ooh. Adventurous. I like that. All right. I'll get that started for you guys right away.
Whoa. He was really hitting on me. Really?
I think waiters are just super friendly. Yeah, Katie. I don't know. Just trust me, guys. I would know. I deal with this all the time. Okay. Maybe he was flirting with her. Um, thanks, Trapp. I just want to make sure we're on the same page about just being friends. Yeah, obviously, Katie. I was just being nice.
Were you? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. I wasn't flirting.
All right, and here's some bread for you while you wait. Let me know if you need anything else.
Okay, you're seriously going to tell me he wasn't hitting on me that time. He's literally all smiles when he comes over by me. Katie, I really don't think that was flirting.
Anyway, Zach, I'm excited to shoot the guy who gets trapped in the airplane bathroom tomorrow. Cool. Yeah, I thought of that because I was... Okay, boys. Yeah, I thought of it because I was trapped in an airplane bathroom.
Boys! Enough. Stop calling us boys. You flirty little assholes. You're ignoring me so that I want you more. Clever, but it's not going to work. We're definitely not, so... Okay, boys. Little flirty assholes. Nope.
We're just having a conversation. Thanks. My boyfriend is really good at pouring my drinks too, so I'm in such a happy relationship. It's like we're basically married.
Did you see that? No. She was all over me. No.
Touching me. Kissing... She blew me a kiss. She did not kiss you. She was like groping me.
No! Katie!
She just refilled your glass.
Not everyone is flirting with you. Okay. Someone sounds anxious. You are so into me, trap. I'm not into you. The trap does protest too much, me thinks. Don't comment that. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, sap does not like you.
Okay, let's drop it. Nope. Let's drop it.
Does anyone have anything fun to do this weekend?
All right, I see. Trying to see what I'm up to so you can casually run into me. Grant O'Brien, I was not born... yesterday. Oh, sap, you didn't sneeze in my face. I'm flattered.
Seriously? What were you expecting?
Oh, he's gonna do it again. Oh, you're just gonna take your eyes off me, could you?
You're an idiot. No one hears into you, you're a fucking garbage.
How about that? Dirty talk at the dinner table. Sap! He called you garbage.
That's not dirty talk. We're not flirting. We're not into you, okay?
It's... What do you smell, trap? No. What do you smell? No. Is it stinky?
You shit your pants. Really, boys? Trying to get a look at my little butt. No.
Yeah, of course! Oh! Oh, God!
Stop shaking!
Oh! Walk like a normal person.
Stop it!
I'm going to go to the bathroom. Katie, please don't be by me. To take care of this?
Yes!
Does anybody need anything?
No! Just go to the bathroom! No! Oh, God!
Stop! You're so close to the plate! The people eat off them! Stop! Stop it!
Oh, God! Fuck! Zach, oh, my God!
It's on your fucking shirt! No, no, no, no! It's on your fucking shirt! It's on your shirt!
No! Stop! Katie, stop! I'm begging you to stop! Katie, stop looking! No!
Look it! I said look it!
Oh, God! Don't! It hurts!
Just don't look at her.
She'll go. Why are you still here?
Zach. Look. Katie, leave. Dude. Look. Katie, leave. Zach! Look. Zach, look. Look!
Grrr! Oh, God! Oh, it's so- there's so much of it and it's so wet.
I don't know what you're eating. You have to leave, Katie.
I will take you to the hospital. Do you need to go to the hospital? Why are you still in here? Do you need to go to the hospital?
Katie? Katie.
Do you need to go to the hospital? I'm taking you to the hospital.
Let's get your code.
Here you go. Just tie this around you here. Okay. Okay, I'll take you out.
No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Come here. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
SaturdayNightLive | looking_for_monica_saturday_night_live | Oh My. God, Ricky Martin is so cute. I know, it's crazy. Yeah. Oh, he's so cute.
Pardon me, I'm Barbara Walters, world-renowned celebrity journalist, veteran anchor, and co-host of the hot-hitting news magazine, 2020. Can you tell me where I might find tonight's host, Miss Monica Lewinsky? Well, she's not the host, actually. You see, I have to return a pack of gum to her. she left it in her dressing room right after our highly-rated exclusive interview on Abc. Well, I could give it to her if you want. I'd prefer to see her in person. Well, it's just a pack of gum. I mean, she probably doesn't even care. For the love of Pete, quit grilling me, you hussy! Oh! why do you want to see her so bad? If you must know, Tiam, I have more questions to ask about the phone sex. You see, I'm in a long-distance relationship right now with Rupert Murdoch, and I'm ready to take it to the next level.
So, I need her advice. you know what? maybe try the ninth floor dressing rooms. ninth floor dressing rooms? Where are they? ninth Floor. Ah! Monica! |
ClickHole | this_43_year_old_man_won_t_let_himself_be_defined_by_barbie_s_beauty_standards | Uh, I got my first Barbie when I was 37 years old, and even when I was younger, I knew I didn't need to look like her to feel good about myself. A lot of people want her to be just like Barbie because she's very pretty, but not me. You see, I don't need blonde hair, or long slender legs, or big pink jeep. It's not who I am, and that's not what makes me special. And just because Barbie has a size zero waist and wears dark makeup, does that mean that's the only way to be beautiful?
I mean, what kind of message does that send to men like me? I always remember that this is just a silly toy, and it shouldn't change the way I look at myself. And if anyone has a problem with me being myself, well, then they're probably not really my friends.
Do I still play with my Barbie? Sure. But when I dress up my doll now, I sometimes like to put her in a longer dress, because I don't think I should have to wear a really short skirt to get attention from anyone. I also don't just play with Barbies. I play with Legos and Mega Bloks, because while I definitely like Barbies, I like building things too, and I'm actually really, really good at it. My name is Tim Mortensen, I'm 43 years old, and I know that I don't need to be defined by Barbie. I can be whoever I want to be. |
dropout | the_ultimate_song_about_napping_with_reggie_watts | My Addy's gone, but I got so much to do Lines to make, I know I'm supposed to pursue What if I close my eyes for a little bit And then a little bit more Cause I hear that siren song of sleep Watch her, can you close that door?
I said, watch her, can you close that door? |
dropout | the_smartest_smartphone | Hey, it's gonna rain today. Better grab an umbrella.
Good call, smartphone. Oh, it's also your mom's birthday. Oh, man, you're right. Thanks, smartphone. You're so smart. Here's a great place to eat. Well, I am pretty hungry. Thanks again, smartphone. You're the smartest smartphone ever. Yeah, I'm pretty smart. Hey, you know that thing is like 1200 calories, right?
Yeah, it's fine. Thanks for the heads up, though. I appreciate it. I just really felt like a burger. All right. Oh, okay. That's what you're wearing? Yeah.
Why? What?
I like this sweater.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure you do. Hey, don't forget to pick up Rudy and Theo. Okay, Mr. Uxtable?
This movie blows. The sun kills the dad at the end. Blame.
Come on, man. Yes, your date's already in a relationship. What?
Smelled that wrong. You're late. You're lost. You're fat. Dammit.
All right. You know what? That's enough. I'm sick of you. Wait, wait. Sure, I may be obnoxious, but I tell it like it is. You can always trust me to tell you the truth. You know, you're right, smartphone. It's just... Could you tone it down a little? Absolutely. So you're not mad anymore? No, I guess not. Good.
You look stupid when you're mad. I snapped a pic. Check it out! I hate you! You're thrown like a girl!
Hey, looks like rain. Better grab an umbrella. Hey, thanks, smartphone. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_walton_on_lebron_james_and_the_lakers_snl | The Nba season has passed the halfway point, and Lebron James and the L.a. Lakers are struggling. Here, with some perspective, is Nba analyst and Hall of Famer Bill Walton.
Today, nightlife, perhaps the premier comedy show in the history of Western civilization, Michael Che, the Wizard of Weekend Update, roared of the Lower East Side. Throw it down, Big Fella. Sure, man.
So, you're an Nba analyst. you also have your own show on Nba Tv, And you're also, overall, a little weird. Michael, I am an athlete. I am an analyst.
I am a spiritual nomad. I am a curious nymph in God's astonishing garden.
And I was just backstage in Woody Harrelson's dressing room. the second half of the show is gonna be bananas. right, so today the Lakers are 13th in the Western Conference. Do you think they'll make the playoffs? Michael, the Lakers have a chemistry that would make Avedeo Avogadro's beakers boil with envy. Lebron, Anthony Davis, and the newbie, D'angelo Russell. their on-the-court artistry moves me to tears. Oh, Anthony Davis for three. great shot. great?
Are you calling a basketball game right now? I'm not calling it right now by my spirit guide, a headless Babylonian priestess. sends me flashes of what is, what was, and what shall be. So I'm calling a game that takes place next Wednesday.
Oh, D'lo with the layup and the lead is cut to six.
All right, so you must know the future. I'll ask again.
Are the Lakers going to make the playoffs? A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away, God herself birthed the tectonic marvel we call Los Angeles, Jay. out of bounds, Lakers ball, the refs are going to take a look at this one. yes, what we now call Paradise. started as a megaphone of boneyard, but its spirit has carried on, just like the Grateful Dead carried on when they brought in the noodler of nations, John Mayer, a poet whose only colleagues are the planets themselves. Big Dunk from Lebron, throw it down. God, I wish you could see this, Michael. Well, I can't, so tell me. are the Lakers going to make the playoffs, yes or no? Yes, the Lakers can make the playoffs if they can.
Answer one simple question. is there an afterlife? And what scientific basis is there for the persistence of the soul after death?
Oh, Falon Davis, that's his fourth. home for unity with the stars is our place in the mass of fear moment to be cradled in our creator's magnificent bosom and have her whisper the immortal words of Jabba the Hutt, Cheesopikawookie Chewbacca. Bill Walton, everybody. Chris Lee, Go to Lakers In Five. Thank you, thank you. |
dropout | summer_vacation_is_for_kids | I'm telling you I'm taller. Take off your shoes. That's not gonna make a difference.
I was hoping I could sit next to Grant, dude. You always sit next to Grant.
Whoa, these desks are so much smaller than I remember, dude. So sick. You were only gone a week. But it was summer vacation, bro. So it's a new start to the new year, dude. You went on vacation in the summertime. That's not summer vacation. It's not like when we were in school.
Hey, dude. Does anybody remember my laptop combination? It's called a password. And what did you do to your hair? Ah, you know what it is, dude? It's a new me, dude.
Why do you need a new you? You were only gone a week.
Like I was right there, dude. I was right there, dude.
You spent the whole time in Hollywood, you didn't even go anywhere? Now, physically, no. But in my mind, dude, I traveled all over Los Angeles, bro. It was so sick. Like in my head, I was everywhere, dude. I was everywhere, dude, everywhere in this city.
Sure, but what did you do? Dude, I did nothing, dude. I barely answered all my e-mails. I was right there. Nothing, dude. I barely answered all my emails.
I hardly wrote several sketches and then all my meetings broke all of them Ah, I just skype did it actually bro. I was skype crazy dude. I'm like a skype monster man I was so savage with it dude.
You just worked from home. Ah Yeah, but like only for like 20 minutes every two hours. That's like 20 in the Hey dude, you have a calculator on you? No. Ah, you're such a slacker dude. You're such a slacker bro. How'd you do kid? I'm not a kid and no dudes.
We cannot be getting senioritis already dude. We got two more years two years until what? Two years left it wait no jobs are forever right two years like an eternity right Raf What do you think happens in two years?
Oh dude? You do not have to decide that right now did cuz like I know that you're under like a ton of pressure right now Dude, like our parents and stuff did but like my freakin brother did my freakin brother isn't freakin girl No rap you can't Grant you hit your growth spurt over the summer dude. Hey Lily tell me something Who's taller take off your shoes? I'm not gonna do that Lily. I don't know what you're hiding in there I'm tall watch the sketch how tall is Grant you'll see Hey, it's Raphael If you like college humor and want to support us sign up for dropouts for the low price of a whole lot of straws per month You'll get Videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the dropout discord and exclusive content such as troopers Sign up for your free trial today, you don't need all those trials give them to me |
dropout | girl_can_t_help_making_penis_grocery_store_displays | And keep in mind that all toilets are ultimately replaceable. Oh, that makes sense. Here is our new vodka sauce. We're going to need a little display for these.
Is that something you would want to do? Yeah, I would love to. Oh, great. Why don't you give it a go? Give it a go.
I'll be right back. Okay. Okay, great. Great. Okay.
This is... This is going to sound... This is going to sound silly.
I know. It's just reading this way a little... Yeah. Really? Yeah. What's the...
We have to be so careful. It's a grocery store.
Very wholesome. Very family. Lots of family.
So you get it. I... Yeah. So let's just try something else. Let's try something else. Okay, great. I'll be right back. Okay. This... Okay. I take credit for this. This is partially my fault. I'll start there. Oh, you don't like it?
Well, it is 100... It is 100 and totally percent valet valet. 100 percent. It's...
So what we're going to do is we're going to wipe the slate. We're going to do it horizontal. Yeah, let's...
Sideways.
Let's just have no more of this on. Oh, yeah. Okay. Great, great, great. And so do that real quick. Okay. Great, great, great. Thank you.
This is... This is a... This is...
Oh, my God.
It's... I have to fix it. Let's fix it immediately. Okay. Great. Quick. Quickly, please.
I decided to get a little more creative in examples, you know, because everybody likes to have fun and enjoy each other at sampling at a grocery store, you know, because everybody loves samples, you know. Try it. You try the sample, you know? You know? It's delicious. Everybody loves samples. Oh, do you...
Do you hate the gift wrap? It's no problem. We can get rid of the gift wrap. We'll just snip it. Snip, snip.
You know, this isn't going to work out. This is not going to work.
So you take your time and you get all your things together and then you see yourself out of here. Okay. I'm going to have to get somebody to clean this. Okay. Goodbye.
How much for the whole thing? Well, the price per unit is 99 cents, so if you add it... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_postdoc_junior_python_developer | Why did we learn Python and uni? Because we had to become a senior machine learning engineer before we had the time to learn programming. Before we start, make sure, you know, we're talking about Python 3, not Python 2. Actually, a bit of Python 2.7 is also okay. Geared towards children and PhDs. Children and PhDs. Python. I know Python, which means I know machine learning, AI, data science, computer vision, big data, Keras, tensorflow, scikit-learn, PyTorch, OpenCV, deep learning, NLP. Huge community of kids.
Now, I didn't learn Python in an online course. I actually never really learned it.
Lists are arrays. Tuples are arrays. Sets have no order. Dicts are arrays. Comprehensions are arrays. NumPy arrays are arrays.
No more semicolon errors. Only whitespace errors. Where is that error?
Enumerate. Enumerate zip. OS walk. Tuple unpacking.
It's not dynamically typed. It's strongly dynamically typed. In Python, we don't do constants. We only do change. Who put the main function at the bottom of the file?
Equality is not identity. Is not identity.
I can do in Python in five lines, which you can do in C and 50. And it will take 10 times the time to execute. Oh, I didn't say that wrong, right? Booyah! Who needs brackets anyway? All these people with their logical syntax sugar might need brackets. You can return multiple values, multiple values, multiple values. Oh, Udemy? No, no, no. I learned all of this on Medium. How many libraries does it take until I can actually put Python as my status on LinkedIn? Blythe3, NumPy, Matplotlib, Pandas, Pandas, Pandas. Or maybe two, you know, because we start counting from zero. str minus one double colon zero minus one.
That's smart engineering. Fast engineering. That's engineering. That's smart.
All the compiled languages are worse because you get errors before you can even run them. It's like, man, it's really, you know, holding you back from innovation, science, automation, progress. Not very child friendly, if you ask me, and I'm not a child, so I'm a PhD. Oh, the shirt goes into the jeans. In C++, everything takes so long. You have to write int main, declare variables.
It's literally just the execution that's fast. Who cares? It's about the scientific, revolutionary data science, machine learning, NLP, big data that you're going to do with your software. Or you can automate your coffee machine, which does the coffee that helps you make the scientific advances.
In Lua, ideas to code. Why can't I just run this in LaTeX? LaTeX. Oh, there's a Python interview. All right, Python. Why am I so good at this? Never written code before. Tuple, open bracket.
Oh, this is machine learning. Oh, this is data science, big data, NLP, computer vision, AI.
You know what that is? I can give you a quick tutorial. I just learned that on medium just an hour ago. That's machine learning, generative adversarial networks. Have you heard of them? Me neither. Let's check it out. Oh, it's really easy to find. The documentation is just one page.
Almost there. Where is the async with?
Oh, you want to learn Python? We can do it just right now. You don't really need to learn anything. Or you need to learn at least three libraries.
Panas, matplotlib and numpy. Fundamental. Well, the good thing in Python is single and double quotes are not differentiated because you don't need to cite properly. It's not LaTeX. Sadly.
Are you convinced? Should we do a tutorial? I mean, should we read a medium? Write a medium block?
Let me show you a graph real quick. Let me introduce you to a graph real quick.
This represents the amount of memory used by C for my program. And this represents the amount of memory Python uses. My screen is not big enough. |
TheOnion | Christian_Groups_Biblical_Armageddon_Must_Be_Taught_Alongside_Global_Warming | The Kansas State Supreme Court today has upheld the right of a school district there to present both global warming and the biblical Armageddon as legitimate theories about the end of the world. A documentary made about the controversial Kansas school district will be airing on PBS tonight. In this Kansas City school district, kids are getting a taste of both sides of the story. Teachers here say they use a variety of methods not to give students a definitive answer about how the world will come to a horrific end, but to frame the question. Now at the forefront of the debate are Joseph Bowers of the Public Education Initiative, which opposed the ruling, and Anita Conover of Armageddon in the classroom.
Hello. Thank you.
Mr. Bowers, what's so wrong with kids being exposed to both views of how they'll die? Well, first of all, it's a clear violation of the separation of church and state. If you want to teach your kids that they're going to be burnt alive when God pours his fourth bowl of wrath upon the earth, that's fine. Just do it in the church or at home. Now I understand, Ms. Conover, you think differently about this.
Yes. Polls show that more than 80 percent of Americans believe that God exists, and He has an intelligent plan for how He will all die. Yes. I can understand that can be confusing for a child. Yes.
That's why we say pose both theories simply as questions. Are we doomed because of our moral sins or because of our pollution? And let the children answer for themselves. Well, the documentary has some very interesting interviews with the kids themselves. Let's take a look.
Some people think that the world's going to end by the world's going to heat up, and we're all going to be baked alive. But other people think a monster with seven heads is going to come out and rip us apart. But we're still deciding. There's a lot of great exercises. I'll have them all pretend that they're being burned alive by the cleansing fires of heaven, and then I'll have them pretend that they're being swept away by a tsunami, which is washing away all of our major cities. So it's a lot of fun.
Well, as we can clearly see from this clip, this school is spending valuable class time in religious theories, meaning that there's less time to teach these kids about how the seas are going to be acidified by pollution. Excuse me. The seas will turn to blood. No. Kids need to know this. That's ridiculous. Please hold on. In the 50s, most schools taught kids that mankind would be brought to an end either by God or by skin-melting nuclear bombs. There is room for more than one idea in our classrooms. Yes.
I understand. Well, thank you for being with us. Thank you.
Now, next up, MTV scientists have discovered a previously unfilmed species of asshole. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | abc_media_watch_calls_out_channel_nine_for_plagiarising_outback_newspaper | Most of us are going to love this next story. A Sydney City parking ranger has accidentally booked himself, but rather than paying the $104 fine, he's taken it to court arguing, I was only parked for two minutes. Gavin, any sympathy? None. Hello, I'm Paul Barry. Welcome to Media Watch. And just as Cameron Williams predicted on Channel 9's Weekend Today, we do love that story.
It's been in Italy since it first appeared in a little-known Queensland country newspaper called The Batuta Advocate. Set up in the mid-1800s, The Batuta Advocate bills itself as Australia's oldest newspaper. And it's obviously one of the most versatile to have picked up that scoop from 1800 kilometres away.
Stephen John Branks ruining another wage earners' day near Stanley Street in Sydney's inner city. But small as it is, The Advocate has always stood up for its rights, and its editor Clancy Overill is so upset about Channel 9 pinching his parking exclusive that he's written an open letter to Media Watch and Channel 9 complaining. This is journalism. This is plagiarism. This story was ripped and stripped by The Today Show and published as their own yesterday morning with absolutely no acknowledgement other than a brief flash of our newspaper's logo. The parking story appeared on Today two Saturdays ago in a segment called What in the World, which gave host Cameron Williams and his sidekick in London, Gavin Gray, the chance to poke fun at the meet-a-man at the centre of this extraordinary tale. Why he's appealing against his own man, I don't know, this guy needs to go seek some help, I think. Well, I hope he doesn't get off on the two-minute rule because none of the rest of us ever do. But two minutes of research by them might have saved the chaps at Channel 9 some embarrassment.
Because they would have found that Batuta, which lies east of Birdsville on the edge of the Simpson Desert, is a town so small that its population is currently zero. So it's unlikely that Batuta would have a newspaper or any newspaper buyers. Indeed, as the Courier Mail tells us, it now boasts only one building, a pub, closed in 1997. No one has lived in Batuta since 2004, when the town's sole resident for 51 years, a Polish immigrant called Sigmund Remienko, sadly passed away at the age of 89. A look at the Batuta advocate's website might also have rung some alarm bells, with stories like this.
Australians are soft c**ks. Putin calls out Abbott for dropping nuts at APEC Showdown. And this. Islamic State demands to be included in 2015 Cricket World Cup. And this, which is my personal favourite.
Man cringes to death after watching new ABC comedy programs. The 94-year-old man's distraught wife says that her husband fell unconscious while watching It's a Date and never woke up. It's understood by police that the man was heard to be sighing heavily and groaning in the minutes leading up to his death.
Yes, if you haven't got there already, the Batuta Advocate is a terrific website, run by a couple of unemployed Sydney journalism graduates, with a talent for entertainment. And Channel 9's Today Show somehow failed to spot the joke. So far it seems they're the only ones to be fooled, but no doubt there will be more. But now let's look to the big end of town, and the future of our ABC. |
TheOnion | Lies_Men_Will_Tell_To_Get_You_To_Sleep_With_Them | Ladies, what's the worst lie a man has told you to try and get you to sleep with them? One time I was on a date with a guy who told me he was the sex champion of North America. But obviously I knew he wasn't the sex champion of North American because everyone knows Hector Rivera has been the North American sex champion since 2006. After our fourth date, this guy told me he was aging backwards and that if I wait any longer it would be illegal for me to have sex with him and it's like dude, even if you're aging backward you'd still be over 18 shake my damn head. He told me he was Nick Jonas when it was so obvious that he was just Kevin Jonas. This guy I knew told me that hooking up was our divine evolutionary responsibility to ensure the prosperity of our species for all future galactic generations to come.
That's when I realized I might have picked the wrong cult. He said his parents wouldn't be home until later, but they're pulling up the driveway as we speak. He told me he had one of those beds where you can put a red wine glass on it and even if you jump up and down on it, it won't spill. Naturally I fell for it and stained everything.
All men are the same and no one ever buys those beds.
When will I learn? He said, I do. |
cracked | the_best_rick_and_morty_tech_if_you_take_away_the_unforeseen_tragic_consequences | Over in the Rick and Morty subreddit, fans recently discussed how, if you take away the tragic, dramatic, or ironic consequences of so many inventions in the show, it would actually be pretty sweet to have an infinite disposable worker box. Here are their choices for the best Rick and Morty inventions, the personality detox machine. I guess the no-drawback version of this would simply eliminate all of your negative traits instead of, I don't know, cloning them into a separate consciousness that could break free and endanger the planet, but even still, there's something unsettling about living with half a mind without flaws that makes us iffy on the experiment.
The Somnambulator. Along with essentially turning your own unconscious body into a slave a la Severance, the Somnambulator also extends your hours of productivity by roughly eight.
The Meeseeks box. With an unlimited army of hyper-competent, hyper-enthusiastic servants at your disposal, who needs golf? And finally, the attribute slider. In all fairness to Rick's RPG-inspired invention, this would only backfire because Morty and Summer couldn't bear to cooperate for a single high school party. Imagine what you'd be able to accomplish if you could min-max your own life with the push- |
cracked | danny_tanner_wouldn_t_be_able_to_afford_the_full_house_home_today | The Tanner home is currently back on the market for $6.5 million dollars, and we know that Channel 8 ain't passing out paychecks that big. Unless Pam passed on some hidden family fortune in her will, Danny, you don't got it, dude.
In the Tanner's hometown of San Francisco, the problem is even worse than what the rest of the country faces on the real estate market. Everyone knows that the combination of the Silicon Valley expansion to the endless hunger of investment companies like BlackRock for new properties to exploit has created an untenable housing situation in the Bay Area.
But the price tag on the Tanner Castle is jaw-dropping, even considering its extravagant features. I don't think many San Francisco newscasters were living in vintage, 3,700-square-foot four-bed, three-and-a-half-bath Victorians with English gardens and two-car garages. Danny would have to scrounge up $1,183,000 just to get through the door. And that's before he locks into a 30-year mortgage with monthly payments likely around $32,700 and $77,000 annual property tax. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_new_personalities_snl | John.
Man, you know what's going on with the hat? Oh, New Year New me might be a hat guy now. just a little tight on your head, huh, it's like pulling your eyebrows up. it's 2022 and I just I don't know want to try out a new personality?
You want to change your whole personality? Exactly like I'm kind of sick of being the pathetic loser.
I was last year.
Oh, that's sad.
Do you mind if I try some new personalities for you guys? Sure, what about if I was one of those guys? who's like? hey, yo, your vibe is flames. Oh hey girl, you want me to take you to Benihana's then maybe you take your bottoms off.
Oh, just a bottle. and then we go see a fantasy movie.
No, this guy sucks. You want this to be your new personality. your tongue back in man. No, I don't understand this man. Of course, you don't get it because you guys have great personalities. you're tall.
That's all.
It doesn't have to be a hat guy, but I have to be somebody new. Oh my God, what about if I was one of those guys who's like my research? it's been destroyed. What are you doing? Personality? Yeah, just one of those dudes whose years of research got rocked. Honestly, I'm starting to get it like I feel like I need a new personality. what are you talking about? I would just feel more confident being one of those guys who's just like Mr. Potter. that's I just mean one of those guys who's like I teach potions and hug wall. that's from Harry Potter, the English movie. what is going on? come on find a new personality with us. like you can't be happy as is this working for you being this way.
Honestly, no see.
Okay, maybe I could go up to a girl at a bar and be like we're gonna get y'all started with sweet teas. I'm I would be worried that she would think that you're her waitress.
I'm saying a guy who's like, ooh, somebody was hungry. Let me clear that plate out for y'all. I need like a southern waitress.
Oh dude, what about this guy? hi, I'm Paul from Jimmy Neutron.
I'm gonna walk up to the hottest girl in the club and just be like stand clear of the closing doors, please Killing it. What about a guy who's like party time?
Oh maybe we should just be ourselves. All right, I'll catch you guys.
Oh New Year new me might be a hat guy now. Just a little tight on your head. it's like pulling your eyebrows up.
It's 2022 and I just I don't know. want to try out a new personality? You want to change your whole personality?
Exactly. like I'm kind of sick of being the pathetic loser. I was last year. oh, that's sad.
Do you mind if I try some new personalities for you guys? sure. What about if I was one of those guys who's like hey, yo, your vibe is flames. oh, I don't love that. Hey girl, you want me to take you to Benihana's then maybe you take your bottoms off.
Oh just what.
And then we go see a fantasy movie.
No, this guy sucks. you want this to be your new personality? Well, your tongue back in man, not with your finger.
I don't understand this man. Of course, you don't get it because you guys have great personalities. you're tall.
Oh, that's all. it. doesn't have to be a hat guy, but I have to be somebody new. Oh my God, what about if I was one of those guys who's like my research? it's been destroyed. What are you doing? personality? Yeah, just one of those dudes whose years of research got rocked. honestly, I'm starting to get it.
I'm like, I feel like I need a new personality. what are you talking about? I would just feel more confident being one of those guys. he's just like Mr. Potter. that's I just mean one of those guys who's like I teach potions and hug wall. that's from Harry Potter the English movie. What is Going On? come on, find a new personality with us. like you can't be happy as is this working for you being this way.
Honestly, no see Okay, maybe I could go up to a girl at a bar and be like I'm gonna get y'all started with sweet tea. I would be worried that she would think that you're her waitress.
I'm saying a guy who's like, ooh, somebody was hungry. Let me clear that plate out for y'all Kind of like a southern waitress. Oh dude, what about this guy? Hi, I'm Paul Jimmy Neutral: I'm gonna walk up to the hottest girl in the club and just be like, stand clear of the closing doors, please. What about a guy who's like party time?
Oh maybe we should just be ourselves. All right, I'll catch you guys. |
dropout | adam_ruins_everything_alpha_males_do_not_exist | You make me laugh at him, which is weird, because you're not really my type. I usually go for alpha males. That's not weird at all, because in humans, the very idea of the alpha male makes absolutely no sense. What do you think an alpha male is? A confident, assertive leader who knows what he wants and always gets his way. You know, somebody who says things like, get swole and muscle milk and hi, I'm Vin Diesel. So, like, this guy, what up freaks, name's Alpha Adam. I'm confident, straight up banging, and if you think women don't love me, I'm going to debunk the F out of that myth. Attraction to alphas is genetic, comes from nature, I'm like the alpha wolf, the leader of the pack.
Hell yeah, I'm bleeding.
Well, all of that is wrong, because alpha wolves don't exist. In fact, the term alpha wolf was disavowed by the very scientist who popularized it.
The story starts in 1977.
While doing research in the national park, a wildlife biologist named L. David Meach seemed to observe that one wolf emerges the dominant male. One wolf is the dominant leader, the big wolf, daddy, that's the alpha wolf. He wrote a book on the idea, and it became a media sensation. Alpha wolves are real, and I love them, and I bet humans are like this too.
Twenty years later, Meach tried to replicate his research in the wild, and when he did, he realized he had made a terrible mistake.
Those aren't dominant wolves, those are mommies and daddies. Wolves don't have an alpha hierarchy at all, they're just parents.
I must alert the masses.
Meach renounced the term alpha wolf, and spent years trying to get his own book taken off the shelves. Stop reading this, I beg you lies, alpha wolves aren't real. But it was too late, the term had taken on a life of its own, and we haven't stopped using it since.
So, alpha wolves are just parents? Huh, I guess my therapist was right, I really do have daddy issues. Nah nah nah, maybe there's no alpha wolves, but I know crap too.
Alpha males are found in chimps, our closest genetic relatives. Weird, you are more aggressive than me, but also wronger. First of all, chimps aren't our closest genetic relatives, bonobos are. And bonobos live in a matriarchal society.
Excuse me, you're in my way? Ya basic.
Whatever, those bonobo broads don't mean nothing.
In chimps, the alpha male is the most dominant, most aggressive bro. And that means he has first access to food, resources, and of course, mates.
Hell yeah baby. Alright. Not exactly.
Contrary to popular belief, in chimps, the most aggressive male doesn't always become the leader. Smaller, more mild-mannered males can actually become dominant by doing favors and obsessively grooming other chimps.
Excuse me, you seem to have something in your hair. Thanks.
Oh, hey let me ask you, what do you think I should do with my life? Wait, whoa, what am I doing?
Get off of me! I am the strongest most aggressive male, so I am the alpha, now and forever! No, you're not. Unlike chimps, human social hierarchies are constantly in flux, so you might be the dominant male here.
But if you were playing Dungeons and Dragons, it's your turn. Hello? What do you want to do?
I attack with my sword. Your sword? You are a magic user. Do you see a sword on your character sheet? No. Well then you can't attack with a sword, can you freak?
Unlike animals, no one is the same type of person in all situations. Human society is much more complicated than that.
So to say that this guy is an alpha male or that guy is a beta male makes straight up zero sense. Whatever, nerd, the most aggressive male gets the most aggressive tail.
It's true forever because it rhymes. Actually, research shows that agreeableness, kindness, and generosity are among the strongest indicators of a long, happy relationship.
Oh, eat my feet, those are beta traits. Oh, well then I guess betas are the alphas of love.
Enough lies. I am the alpha. I am your god. Leave beta Adam alone. You saved me. Also, just Adam is fine. |
cracked | worst_performance_review_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_7 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederion Collection of Agents of Cracked season one presented for the first time in such High definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season Even the ones he's not in so look forward to that and hey stay tuned at the end for some little Anecdotes some little behind-the-scenes stories get to know each other a little bit You were seriously harsh in my porno buzz man, would you calm down just a performance review? Just a performance review just a performance review that dictates whether or not I'm gonna have a career Michael it's a big deal. What's the worst that could happen? So you go back to the East Coast start eating sand and dry humping statues for money. Nobody does that You'll be fine, or you won't whatever. This is boring Well, what was your performance review like? Yeah strippers were a little squeamish And I would have preferred an adult tiger instead of an adolescent, but other than that it was pretty average See now, I don't know if you're misinformed as to what a performance review is or if the chief actually uses strippers and tigers Yeah, you never can't tell with me, but see that's how unprepared I feel I have no idea what to expect for this for my first bonus He made me sleep outside for a month for my interview for this job He made me kill a guy like straight murder a guy.
I mean he had one of those Black bags over his head, but you could you could still hear him screaming. Mmm. Yeesh. He was begging.
Listen, Dan Just remember the three rules confidence preparation and thoroughness Also numbers you got to have enough with numbers when numbers have to do with a performance review We still talking about your performance review. I moved on to my barbecue schedule a barbecue during my performance review, Dan Come on. You know how these things happen Wires get crossed miscommunication Scheduling burgers mistakes get hot dogs chips Cole you just naming things from a barbecue now damn.
She's gonna see you now. Damn it Hey, hey You get nervous. Just remember The chief once punched a guy in the so hard that the guys kids were born afraid of the chief Not comforting at all hot dogs get your hot dogs here man with the spatula Barbecue early, I know but his hot links go fast. They're a specialty Did everybody know about this but me? Wanted to see me I I mean, uh, hello, sir chief.
Are those the forms? I told you to fill out. Yes. Yes, they are sir.
Throw them away You're tied to and the shirt lose them Now I want you to take this marker and draw a target on your forehead No hands Hey, can I have another sausage by sausage? You mean Although actually if you mean sausage later to because I just ran out so I guess no all around would have been a good answer You're disgusting Can I just have a turkey burger whenever but burger you mean by turkey you mean No, I'm gonna keep doing this until I remember why I called you in here I can just tell you Sexual harassment you mean my junk in your mouth. All right. Take care. Drive safe Jesus took long enough.
Did you enter the cave of trials? Yeah, I did. Yes. Yeah, and what did you find? You know what I found in the freaking cave Me I found me in a Darth Vader costume in a freaking cave How the hell did you even do that? You are on the path to learning.
I had to fight myself It was exhausting. I knew all my moves and my weaknesses. I chipped a tooth just Just on a rock completely unrelated to fighting.
Did you get the idol? I had to watch me beg for my own life before I killed me. Did you get the idol?
Yeah Hey Mike make that second door are we waiting for someone Oh No, I think we're both wait t-boni t-boni you eat a t-boni we're fine. Yeah, I saw him struggling I Heard him going out to me and I just froze and a big wave came He was gone That concludes the worst thing you've ever done portion of the review you're trying to go To know what I passed you like my work Oh Brian This never had anything to do with your work Your partner's on every dangerous most wanted and sexually unpredictable list in America and for some reason You're the only one he can work with for more than five minutes. I just wanted to see if I could figure out why and What did you no idea you seem like a pussy to me, but if I lose you who would watch Michael? I guess the government not an actual question.
Oh Brian My all right. Yes, sir. Thank you very much. Oh and Dan. Yeah That was Well, it's all over now And I worked up kind of an appetite.
So what's on the ground actually gave our last hot dog to that gentleman That guy He doesn't even work here. I've never seen him before. Yeah, I also gave him your computer damn it Curse of the Idol has one of my favorite comedic devices Which is the the character of the chief which we sort of repurpose into the Sarge in later seasons Which is just you get this incredibly mysterious badass guy that you just speak totally Hyperbolically about your Bill Brasky type of yes archetype and I love that there's just there's so much you can do With how ridiculous and that was really our boss He had the guy playing the chief or in cats have had hiring and firing power over us So that's real fear in Dan's eyes. Absolutely Then it was Cody, right?
Thanks That's right downgrade Sorry, Khojo |
dropout | irl_files_the_animal | So, I'm down in Miami with a bunch of guys for a bachelor party. We were all ready to find some ladies, but by the time 8 o'clock rolled around, we were pretty much partied out.
Except for one of us. We called him The Animal. The Animal was still going strong, and we knew he was going to be troubled, so we ditched him and headed out to dinner. Just when we thought we were safe, my phone vibrates and it's a text message from the Animal.
Hello! Where you fools at? I decided to ignore it, but then my phone vibrates again. Now it's a Facebook message. Hello! I'm thirsty! Where you fools at?
Suddenly, everybody's phone starts vibrating. The Animal wouldn't stop spamming us until one of us finally cracked and hidden where we were. Huge mistake.
Almost instantly, he shows up, grabs a drink, and proceeds to tell us what he's been up to since we ditched him. He made out with his Brazilian model, helped direct a German reality show, and hopped a ride in a Lamborghini to the restaurant. He then proceeds to jump from table to table, eating people's food, shouting, Hello! and passing it. We finally sit down to eat, and the Animal starts demanding the finest cut of Kobe beef, lats a waitress on the ass, shouts, Hello! Passes out, wakes up, eats an entire loaf of bread, spits it out, and then knocks over a waiter holding a full tray of wine. So we're finally kicked out of the restaurant, and instead of going home, somehow the Animal convinced us to go to the Fountain Blue Hotel, the trendiest nightclub in South Beach.
He claims that we're on the list and we have the VIP access, which is much better than VIP access. So we get there, and of course we're not on the list, but the Animal manages to sneak in anyway. We pitch the Animal once again, and head home for the night.
So we catch a water taxi back to the hotel, and all of a sudden the door slams open and there stands the Animal, all wild-eyed and crazy. He tells us how he was in the VVIP section, drinking fancy champagne with 12 honeys, then got into a fight with a Miami Dolphin linebacker at his mansion, escaped on a cigarette boat, crashed into a sandbar, and managed to grab onto our passing water taxi. Naturally, nobody believed a word he said. That is until the water taxi stopped, and there were about 10 cop cars with their lights flashing, all waiting for the Animal. Long story short, never answer a text message from anybody called the Animal. Animal, all wild-eyed and crazy. He tells us how he was in the VVIP section, drinking fancy champagne with 12 honeys, then got into a fight with a Miami Dolphin linebacker at his mansion, escaped on a cigarette boat, crashed into a sandbar, and managed to grab onto our passing water taxi. Naturally, nobody believed a word he said. That is until the water taxi stopped, and there were about 10 cop cars with their lights flashing, all waiting for the Animal. Long story short, never answer a text message from anybody called the Animal. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_80_dylan_buckley_afl_final_special | Now, a lot's going on in the world this week. They've legalized marijuana in Canberra, they've decriminalized abortion in New South Wales. Prime Minister's overseas with Trump, doing his best to make friends with America while indirectly taking a lot of money from China. And sport is pretty much at fever pitch around the country, all football codes.
AFL Grand Final this weekend, NRL next weekend, and then we, of course, head into the Spring Carnival. But the AFL Grand Final Errol is an interesting one this year, isn't it? Yeah, it is an interesting one. You've got the Gold Coast Titans of the AFL have reached their first ever Grand Final.
Some would say that they were never going to do it. Others were hoping that the experiment has failed, but it's quite clear that this year the experiment has been a success.
Yes, the little expansion team that could, the Greater Western Sydney Giants, are in The Big Dance, as they call it in Victoria, against the seasoned Grand Final veterans, Richmond. And we're today speaking to a titan of the GWS, a titan of the Giants. Dylan Buckley, thanks for joining us, mate. Thanks, boys, thanks very much. I'm obviously a huge fan of the show. And I will just quickly go back, because you said that the Gold Coast Titans are the Giants. Now, that in fact is definitely incorrect. The Gold Coast Titans are the Gold Coast Suns. You cannot equivalent us to those guys, so we're fantastic to be there.
Obviously a new club, but as they're saying at the moment, there's a big, big sound of the west of the town, and we're ready to go. You've seen the fan base grow out there. Can you tell us what that's looked like in the Western suburbs?
Because obviously they're not starved for footy teams of any capacity. They've got the Wanderers in the A-League, which was selling out stadiums in their first ever season, and they've got about 32 NRL clubs. And it's not a dispossessed VFL team. This is a team that was built from the ground up by the AFL.
Yeah, it's been pretty crazy. I haven't been there my whole career. Obviously I had six years at Carlton, where that's one of the biggest clubs, so that's probably one of your roosters or something like that. And they're just incredible.
So we'd go to these clinics and players would know what Stach had on the weekend, and they'd know we had for breakfast. And they knew what Stach had, and that always wasn't good for me, because it wasn't great, because I obviously didn't have many stats, and they'd obviously know that I'd been pretty crap.
But moving up to the Giants, it's obviously in Sydney, and the support isn't as big, but going down to the clinics down in Penrith and Gambletown, and seeing those kids down there, the first question was, do you play for the doggies? Yeah, we're wearing orange and charcoal, but I've only been here for two years now, and it's definitely taken much more of a liking. The clinics now, they're not just throwing the balls back at us, they're trying to kick and handball. I think it's definitely making an imprint up here in Sydney, especially if we can bring that cup home this weekend. It's going to be huge. How much of the audience do you think you've poached off the other team in Sydney?
I think they're called the Swans, are they? South Melbourne Swans.
Yeah, they are, because they've been up here since 1982, and they do have quite a rusted on fan base. You've got the old ones who come up from Melbourne to go to Sydney, and then you've got the new ones. But that team is basically the nicer parts of Sydney, where people tend to have a larger disposable income, and they can enjoy things like going to multiple sporting events a year. Have you had many people jump across? Have you had people come over to say, now we have a team where I'm from?
Yeah, definitely. I think it's massive.
Like I said, I think Western Sydney is nearly probably double what the East has. There's so many people out there. For me, coming from Victoria, I just never realised how big Western Sydney actually was. You drive an hour and you're hitting Penrith, it's pretty much like Geelong of Victoria, I suppose. It's absolutely incredible how big that target market is, and when you look at it from the numbers perspective, you can see why the AFL made a team.
In terms of the poaching the supporters, I know that there is definitely a few guys that have jumped ship. A lot of people come over to me and always say, I support the Giants because I hate the Swans. You just want to sort of stick it up, the other guys that support the Swans. So I suppose there's a bit of rivalry like that.
I suppose there's a lot of people that have jumped on board recently as the guys have gone really well. The best thing for me, if you look at it from a serious and multicultural sort of way, you go to our games and the vast array of people that come to the games is incredible. You've got people from all shapes, sizes, backgrounds and ethnicities and it's just like a really, really beautiful place to see and it's just incredible what the guys have done. They make it such a good experience. I know you guys met Steven Canelio who was in here last week who just signed a massive deal but he adds up the multicultural side of it being an Italian boy himself. He's obviously big in that aspect and I think the crowd is definitely getting around it. Is that a big thing? Are you starting to see finding kids from different backgrounds starting to show up at clinics and starting to get eyeballs on them at a scouting level? Oh 100% mate. I think even for a long time now the AFL has been absolutely huge on its diversity and that's something they're really proud of. You see guys like Majak Dawe, Marib Chol, one of the guys that is in selection for Richmond this week from Sudanese descent and they're just absolutely incredible athletes.
Especially up here in the West. We've got a young kid, Nick Shipley, who's actually from the West. He was the first guy drafted that's from Western Sydney. Nick Shipley, he's from a soccer background translated into footy. He's actually from Peruvian descent so he's absolutely killing it and really come a long way. Obviously in the West there's a diverse range of cultures and they're all welcome and it's absolutely incredible. It is interesting what you're saying there about home grown talent.
You've already got a Western Sydney boy playing because it took the Melbourne Storm about 15 years to get someone who came out of the grass roots out there. Who was that? I've never heard of anyone in Melbourne playing league. He was an Islander guy and he didn't play for that long. That was such a novelty. After 15 years they had a Victorian guy that came to the grass roots which we didn't know existed.
The Sydney talent these days is incredible. At the Giants we get some young guys that get to train with us all the time. I think this year in the draft there's probably three of them that are actually from New South Wales which is just incredible really when you think about it. Now can you tell us a little bit about the draft?
You actually were able to avoid it because of a historic by-law. Ben Cousin's law. You were able to be brought in through descent into Carlton. Yes, through the father-son law. That's it. Father-son law.
Straight into the spoon team. Obviously you guys don't have it in league but there's a father-son rule that if your dad plays over 100 games for a club you're eligible to go to that team and they have first preference. Back in the day it used to be you would go into the draft and if you agreed with that team you'd just get taken with their last pick. So you'd get the third, fourth, fifth round picks in the team which was incredible because you look at a team like Geelong who won three flags in five years. And they had guys like Gary Ablett Jr, Matthew Scarlett, Tom Hawkins who were like first round picks. They'd be taking some of the best players of all time and they would have been taken in the first three picks of the draft and they got taken last.
So now there's a bit of a different way to do it. You still have first preference but there's a bidding system so if you bid on me now I have to match it with a pick that would be around that area. So traditionally it's been an incredible rule but now it's starting to catch up.
You saw there's a guy Nick Blakey who plays for the Swans who's going to be an absolutely incredible player and his dad played for the Swans. I think Giants actually bidded on him at pick five so Sydney had to match that and come up. So as a boy you were heading out to the G to watch your father play for Carlton. Did you always want to go and play for Carlton or did you have your own team?
No I loved the Blues as growing up. It was funny I was never actually really into footy a lot. I was a bit of a weird kid and I only sort of played just because all my mates did.
And yeah so obviously dad had actually finished by the time I was born but he would always take me down to the club. I was just looking at these premierships here. 79, 81, 82 maybe before your time. He would take me down to the rooms and you know I'd love it so I obviously grew up there and it was always something that I wanted to do. Funny story if you've got time.
When I was 17 the Giants that was the year that they actually formed and they had the opportunity to pre-list 12 17 year olds. And I was in that group of 17 year olds born between January and April and they could pick 12 of us. So basically I had the opportunity to come up here as one of the first inaugural players but Carlton said that they would say that they'd pick me up. So I ended up staying in Melbourne with family, did my extra year in year 12 and then they got drafted in the year after.
But it's funny the way it goes because I'm a big believer in a pair of the mind and what not. I think that the whole time looking back now that was always in my head and I ended up coming down here 6 years later and ended back up at the club. So it's pretty funny how it all works.
Tell us was it a relief when you finally got on the field for Carlton as the son of a footballer? Was it at least, it's hard having an old man that's won 3 premierships I'm sure but you got there and your first touch you kicked a goal.
I mean you're talking about stats earlier that's a pretty good one to carry. It is a good stat. It's a funny one.
People always ask me if I felt pressure and everything about Dad. Obviously he was a super player and 3 flags is just incredible. Especially these days it just doesn't happen. But in saying that, he was always my Dad. I never had another Dad.
I didn't know what it was like to grow up normally. For me that was normal so I never really put too much pressure on myself to be honest. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't like being under pressure but I feel like being under pressure brings out the best in me. So maybe I should have put myself under a bit more pressure.
But yeah look I loved my time at Carlton. My first 2 years were very slow. I was a young kid. I had no idea. If I look back now, knowing that I was going to go there at 17 was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. Because I just didn't realise how hard you had to work to get somewhere. I looked back and it just got handed to me on a plate. I got to Carlton as an 18 year old and just thought it was all going to happen.
And it didn't. It took some very hard conversations with people to pull me into line.
I remember having a chat with Heath Scotland who is one of my favourite people I've ever met in footy. He was an absolute superstar. He won a lot of people's hearts at footy and he's actually just coaching North Melbourne now.
He said to me, he's like mate you know this isn't just going to happen. I was like what do you mean? No one is just going to rock up and mate you do it. If you want to do it you've got to do it yourself. The way you're heading you can maybe play a couple of games and then you'll be out the door. And that sort of really hit me and I thought far out that's pretty scary and it could be pretty embarrassing.
If they signed me for three years it was meant to be this good thing and never came to. It was incredible for me. I played in my third year about 18 games. I played every game I was available for. It was a really big moment in my career I suppose.
Could you kind of see that happening with other players around you as well? Because some kids wouldn't have to have that conversation with themselves. And it always tends to be in all codes of footy. It's the lunatics that don't ever have to think anything. Because you've got your Joey Johns, you've got your Shane Warne, you've got your Kari Applets. What's that like seeing a kid that's almost bulletproof just because of their talent? It is scary.
I think like you said talent is not everything. You've got to have the work ethic. Because once you get to the AFL everyone is talented. Everyone's got their skills.
I think like my last two years at the Giants I've really taken a liking to helping out the young boys that come into the system. I sort of see a lot of those guys in me and what I did do wrong and what I did do right. Mainly what I didn't do, mainly what I did wrong to be honest. I sort of just catch them out and say boys don't be ever happy playing in the twos. While you're here, even though you're playing in the twos at the moment, you're 18 years old, you're available for selection. There's no way you should be thinking that you're not meant to be playing. And I think I wish that someone helped me out with that a little bit when I was younger. Because when I was 18 and 19, physically I probably wasn't ready but mentally I was like I'll just do this for two years and hopefully it works out. I try and catch up with the young boys now and be like don't wait.
These guys, as much as we're best mates, we're all competitors and if you push him he's going to push you. That's what you want in a footy club and that's what the Giants have got to be honest. These boys that have come in this year, some of these young guys, Connor Wright and Xavier O'Halloran, they're just some awesome players. I think living up here as well you don't have the pressure on you like you do in Melbourne and they're going to be some super, super guys. So tell us about the road to the finals that the Giants have been on this season. They've had a few close calls with the finals. A few big dances but this is the biggest one they've been in. What's been different you think about this season compared to last season and the season before that? I think the boys, we really set ourselves up well throughout the year and played some good footy. It's a credit to Leon Cameron, he's an incredible coach and he stays so calm and I think that's the one thing you've got to do when you're in that leadership position.
He never really panicked at all and nor should he.
We had a bit of a form slump just going into the finals. We lost to Warthorn by about 50 points which was a stage where he probably could panic. But he just brought everyone in and said boys, we know we can do it, we're going to be sweet. Let's just really get together now and have a big build up for the finals. I remember that being probably a chat that really switched everyone on. I think we played the Bulldogs in the first final at home after they just absolutely smoked us the week before. They were coming back up to Giant Stadium to play us. I knew that if the boys switched on, which they were going to, and we won that first final, it was all about momentum. I'm a big believer that finals is about momentum. We beat the Bulldogs who were nearly the best in-form team and then we went and played Brisbane who were the next second in-form team at their home, beat them. I think once we beat them, I knew that we were on to something special. I flew down to Melbourne and obviously beat Collingwood in front of one of the biggest crowd differentials that's seen. Like people were saying, it's not an us versus them mentality, but it's just facts that we don't have the biggest supporter base so you do shield together and dig deep. I'm just so proud of the boys but there's one more game to go and I know that's going to be the biggest one.
At the start of the season did anyone say something? Did anyone say we might be on here? How early in did people start thinking we might be getting to where you're at now?
The guys have been in the finals four years in a row. I think in 2016 they made the prelim. They made the prelim then. I think the finals next year they might have made the prelim. Then I came up last year, we lost the first or second final and this year obviously making the grand final.
The boys have no doubts on where they're at. They're very confident in their abilities and where we're at. I think it's always been a goal, it's just actually doing it.
It's harder said than done because there's so many teams that want to be there in September and only two get there. Don't it have to be one of the most successful expansion clubs in any code in Australia?
Western Force never got there. Except the Storm really.
If you love your AFL, which I know you boys do, you look at the players that we've left, we've lost over the last three years. It's a massive credit to the club to sustain this sort of playing ability because you look at some of the players that we've lost like Dylan Sheale, Tom Scully, Rory Loeb, Izzy Flauw.
Yeah, exactly. It's incredible. He's a big loss.
Now you tell us a little bit about moving. You grew up in Fitzroy. You basically grew up in the middle of the city. Within a couple of clicks of you there were six AFL clubs and quite an urban environment. What's it like moving up to Sydney?
I'm assuming you might live closer to the water? Yeah, much closer to the water.
To be in a place where you're playing the sport you love but you don't have to deal with a lot of the media scrutiny and you can go about your life the way that you want. You can buy Gatorade at two in the morning if you want to. You can get an Indian home diner at three and walk home and no one cares.
It's definitely a beautiful spot so I'm all for Sydney. Were you copping that as a young fella in Melbourne? Because we know it is a religion down there. Was that an issue going out and getting on the piss and being recognised? I was never the biggest player in Melbourne but it is definitely prevalent and there's nothing wrong with it either.
The crowd there and the supporters in Melbourne are the best people in the world. They're just so passionate.
They always just want to say g'day and hang out which I'm all for but there are those times that you just want to do your own thing. Were you copped a bit of a spray ever? I've never copped a spray to my face but Twitter is magnificent so if you ever want to feel shit about yourself just go on there. If you don't know what's wrong with you just go on Twitter and hang out.
So this is a final that has been played out a few times. It's a Melbourne team and a team that's not from Melbourne. Do you think that the whole of Melbourne is behind Richmond? Definitely not.
Richmond have a massive support. I think they've probably got one of the best supporter bases in the AFL if not in Australia. I think the biggest membership base or it might just be on Collingwood but their crowd is just incredible. They get around their song, the big yellow and black and they absolutely love it. They've got a massive massive supporter base but I'm pretty sure from what I'm hearing at the moment a lot of people that aren't with Richmond are jumping on the bandwagon. They're all very very welcome to get down there on Saturday and support and by all reports that they are. People love the underdog.
In the AFL grand final if your team is in the final then you get a certain allotment of the stadium. Do you think that the Giants are going to be able to fill it? It's a long way down and that is a big coliseum. It is. I think it's going to be a sellout no matter what. The exact percentages I'm not sure. You can definitely say that it's going to be majority Richmond supporters. As I like to say there's a big big sound in the west of the town and the supporters that we have got they might be few but they're very loud and hopefully the rest are going to jump on board. So if the Giants win what do you think the impact will be in Western Sydney? Do you think that now that they have a team out there that's one of the key things in expanding sport in any time is winning?
You've seen sports like Rugby Union which used to be enormous back into the 90s when they were winning the Bledisloe, the World Cup, the Tri-Nations they were huge. Then they went through a spate where they didn't win anything and now you barely hear anything from them. Bit like swimming at the Olympics. Year 2000 swimming was Australia's national sport and it kind of goes through highs and lows.
Australia is very good at jumping on bandwagon. They're very good at just claiming things that we like. I'm all for that and I'm more than happy. Success is the key indicator for people jumping on board. You look at a team like Brisbane Lions in the AFL they won three flags in 2000 and they had a massive supporter base. Obviously they came from Fitzroy in Victoria but travelled up and now that Brisbane was successful again they always jumped on. They were selling out their stadium and from all reports it was one of the best places to be. With the Giants I definitely feel that once you win a flag a lot of people are going to jump on board.
Legitimise. It's always a funny yarn up in Brisbane all those clubs. There's some suburban clubs that do pretty well for creating talent up there. Although it's not a part of the world where you'd be wearing a scarf or a beanie ever. But what they've found is some of these clubs, suburban footy clubs have guys drinking at the bar every day who have relocated from Fitzroy. I wouldn't say just because. The weather is a bit nicer. I uprooted their families and followed their club and had to find a job.
AFL has some of the most passionate supporters. The game is nothing without the supporters so kudos to them.
It's a big move. Midway through this season you started dabbling in media. Which is something you're mad not to because unlike most professional sportsmen you can string a sentence together. Tell us about when that started coming to you. Was that early on in the career or was it something you looked at?
I've always had fun just talking. I love talking crap.
If that was ever something I could think of being in a career it would be huge. But I think in my first touch time when I was at Carlton you just focus on footy and that's it. When it all finished for me at Carlton I got delisted in 2016.
I don't know if you know what that means. It means you get fired pretty much from your job.
I had nothing. That's very dramatic. I had a lot of things but I had no job. I had a mortgage. I was like shit what am I going to do? I had no qualifications.
I hadn't really thought too much about it. I thought if I get another opportunity I'm going to make the most of it. Giants came knocking on the door and I'm forever grateful for that. Moved up to Sydney. I just never wanted to have that feeling again that I had all my eggs in one basket. I just didn't want that ever again. I started my own podcast dealing with friends in which I just interviewed my teammates. Basically it was sort of a thing in my own head and I can be honest with this. If I go up to Sydney in the last one year at least I've got a little bit of a showcase that when I come back I can just be like hey can I have a job because I've done this. At least I hadn't done nothing. But yeah I really enjoyed it and now I'm up to 26 episodes now.
Number one podcast. Number one podcast in sport which is huge.
Obviously got a lot of help from you guys at Appetuto and Diamantina studios coming here and use the studio. It's been absolutely fantastic and yeah just absolutely loving it. That's a crowded space to be in.
What was going on in that podcast that kind of triggered everyone? To be honest my biggest quote in the podcast is just be yourself, everyone else is taken. I just have a bit of a joke around with the boys and I sort of find that a lot of guys in the AFL are scared of the media because of what's reported.
I feel like when they sit down with me and have a chat we're just chatting as mates and they can just be as open and free as they want. If they say something and they don't want to be in there I take it out and it's just a bit of fun.
It started with my teammates. I've done a lot of guys from other teams. I've done cricketers now as well, Australian cricketers. I've got some big ones coming up which is huge. I just love sitting down with people and getting to know them as other people other than athletes. It's always blown me away how you've got these people who can play four quarters of high contact AFL.
Then the first thing that they do is they walk off and they go and talk to a journalist. I think that's probably the hardest road into getting into the media at the off season. I can see Cameron Smith doing it.
He doesn't really do that much on the field anymore. He's a bit of an old goat now.
It is true. That is an elite skill in itself being able to walk off and give a press conference. But you did say some of the blokes are a bit nervous about the media because the media is one of the biggest hazards in your career. It's one of the biggest hurdles and one of the biggest things you need to navigate around. Have you seen anyone get stitched up? Definitely. We were talking about it earlier off air about Australia and it's tall poppy syndrome. It's funny.
You look at sports in the NFL and they just tell you how good they are and they don't care what they say. But we have media liaisons at the club and it's like this is what we need to say. Don't judge about this. Four quarters, we'll get the four points and we'll reassess. There's just all these cliches that need to be used because of media you feel like they are trying to catch you out on something you don't want to say. A funny one, I remember one of my first years at Carlton, Mitch Robinson, one of my ex teammates, he says what he thinks. He was on the footy show and he made a comment about Melbourne saying that they play Bruce Free footy. Which is just having a bit of a dig. It didn't really mean it in a negative way.
But that was one of the biggest things that ever happened in Victoria after those comments. It was just incredible the way it blew up. So from there we were having coaching once a week on what to say and what not to say. Media training. It was crazy.
You can see some people that haven't really taken it in. Obviously there's iconic moments, brown low medals and people getting hit with a camera after being overly refreshed. Now can you tell us a little bit more about the things that you guys as players are kind of educated on. There was a few things this year with betting and stuff like that. And young blokes can't really be accused of being involved in organised crime just because they are putting a few bets on. But they also shouldn't do it and they can't be more educated on that. But it still happened for some poor buggers down south.
Yeah it's crazy mate. We do a lot of education. Especially the first years. They have an induction camp as soon as they get drafted. So it goes throughout three days and it just covers absolutely everything.
And then we sit down once a year with the AFLPA, the Players Association and go through it again just as a refresher. So the main sort of things that we focus on are the illicit drugs policy and the anti-doping policy. Which obviously in the AFL at the moment has popped up again. We go through the sexual conduct sort of policy as well. Making sure that that's all clear. We go through the alcohol game plan. We go through gambling. We go through mental health. So the AFL really set up us for a lot.
So there is a lot of help there for those guys. But obviously it's such a big organisation. A lot of guys there sometimes there's going to be some mishaps. But we feel like it's pretty good at the moment. A lot of downtime too.
How did you deal with that early in your career? Because at 18, 17 what are you going to do with yourself? Oh mate I know. I wish I could go back and speak to myself as an 18, 19 year old. I think I should just go to training, come home, sleep on the couch, watch movies. Now I don't have a spare minute so it's funny how it changes.
But a lot of those guys like you said, they move in the state. They don't have family. They don't have friends. In Victoria besides ones from the footy club.
So that's probably where sometimes some of the problems start I suppose. But there is a lot of support there. But you've got to fill your time. That's the one thing I always talk to the young guys about. And it's easy to say now because I've done it. But engagement off field is huge. I feel like it's probably not just for footy but just for life. You've got to be engaged. I always say just try things because you might not find what you want to do but you find what you don't. I sat down with that many people when I was at Carlton. I was doing real estate, probably development which is what 99% of footy players transition into. And that and coaching. Those sort of three I tried them all out and I said look they're not for me. I wouldn't have known that if I didn't try it. So I think that's probably one of the biggest things you need to do. Gaming is a big thing now with players. You can kind of kill an afternoon doing that kind of stuff. But that is where you can find trouble. We had a guy at the club and throughout the year we started pre-season.
We were talking about things we were going to sacrifice. And guys were saying I'm going to cut out chocolate for the rest of pre-season. I'm going to stop drinking. I'm going to do this.
One of the young 18 year olds said I'm going to keep my Xbox to under one hour a night. I was like how long are you playing like now? One hour a night is... I don't feel like that's a sacrifice unless you're playing like 12 hours a day.
Which I'm scared to think that he probably was. Oh bless him. Otherwise I guess you'd just be doing a holy piccardia. Just lost training.
I guess you can always tell an AFL player from a rugby league player or a union player or a cricketer. They just look like they can just run a lot. Very slender. I'm probably not the best prototype for an AFL player.
I think that's the funniest thing up in Sydney. And the best thing for me is you sort of look at me and be like oh that guy's probably just on lunch break at school or something in his casual clothes. It works well.
What are your tips for the grand final? What do you reckon is happening? If you don't want to jinx you can touch wood but tell us how you think it's going to go down.
It's easy for me to say because I'm not playing but I have such belief in the boys. I just know what such a good group they are and I know how hard they are. Some of the boys are just so tough.
I've never seen anything like it.
I've played with some good players. So I'm really excited to go down to the game. Obviously I think we're going to win. If we do everything right and we play our game and we implement what we need to there's no reason why we can't be holding up the cup. Alright, Dil. Well we're not going to hold you any longer because we know you've got a ticket on the big red and white bus down in Melbourne this afternoon. So thank you for joining us and good luck to you giant men. Boys, thanks so much for having me. Go the high vis orange.
Emily and I have friends in Victoria besides ones from the footy club so that's probably where some of the problems start I suppose. There is a lot of support there but you've got to fill your time. That's the one thing I always talk to the young guys about and it's easy to say now because I've done it. Engagement off field is huge. I feel like it's probably not just for footy but just for life. You've got to be engaged and always try things because you might not find what you want to do but you find what you don't. I sat down with that many people when I was at Carlton and I was doing real estate, probably development which is what 99% of footy players transition into and that and coaching. Those three I tried them all out and I said look they're not for me and I wouldn't have known that if I didn't try it so I think that's probably one of the biggest things you need to do. Gaming is a big thing now with players. You can kind of kill an afternoon doing that kind of stuff but that is where you can find trouble.
We had a guy at the club and throughout the year we started a pre-season and we were talking about things we were going to sacrifice. Guys were saying I'm going to cut out chocolate for the rest of the pre-season, I'm going to stop drinking, I'm going to do this.
I won't name him but one of the young 18 year olds said I'm going to keep my Xbox to under one hour a night. I was like how long are you playing now? One hour a night is, I don't feel like that's a sacrifice unless you're playing 12 hours a day which I'm scared to think that he probably was.
Oh bless him. Otherwise I guess you'd just be doing a Holly Piccardia.
Just an Australian. I guess you can always tell an AFL player from a rugby league player or a union player or a cricketer because they just look like they can just run a lot. Very slender. I'm probably not the best prototype for an AFL player. I think that's the funniest thing up in Sydney and the best thing for me is you sort of look at me and be like oh that guy is probably just on lunch break at school or something in his casual clothes so it works well.
So what are your tips for the grand final? What do you reckon is happening? If you don't want to jinx you can touch wood but tell us how you think it's going to go down.
Mate look it's easy for me to say because I'm not playing but I have such belief in the boys and I just know what such a good group they are and I know how hard they are. Some of the boys are just so tough. I've never seen anything like it and I've played with some good players so I'm really excited to go down to the game. Obviously I think we're going to win. If we do everything right and we play our game and we implement what we need to there's no reason why we can't be holding up the cup. Alright Dil well we're not going to hold you any longer because we know you've got a ticket on the big red and white bus down in Melbourne this afternoon so thank you for joining us and good luck to your giant men. Boys thanks so much for having me.
Go the hive is orange. |
cracked | did_christopher_nolan_rip_off_this_dana_carvey_movie_to_make_memento | 1994's Clean Slate was Carvey's first big movie role following his departure from SNL. In it, Carvey plays private investigator M.L. Pope, who suffers from a rare condition called Korsakov Syndrome, which causes him to lose his memory every night when he falls asleep, a la Drew Barrymore in 51st Aids. Despite bombing hard at the box office, it features a stacked supporting cast, including James Earl Jones, a young Bob Odenkirk, plus Bryan Cranston as the tennis club employee. Clean Slate may have inspired a movie by one of the most famous filmmakers living today. The premise of Clean Slate is not so different from that of Christopher Nolan's 2000th thriller Memento, also about a guy trying to piece together a mystery while coping with a memory that periodically resets. And like Clean Slate's Pogue, Leonard in Memento is also constantly leaving himself reminder messages. A number of people have called attention to this over the years. In fact, Clean Slate's director, Mick Jackson, once casually told an interviewer, I believe Christopher Nolan's Memento was inspired by it. |
dropout | dangerous_condom_applicator | Roger and I love being intimate, so when the mood strikes, we don't want anything standing in our way. And that includes those tricky, slippery condoms. So that's why we got the Helping Hands condom applicator. Oh wow, that's sturdy. The Helping Hand does all the work for us, so we don't have to worry about losing steam while we fumble with condoms. Don't touch it, it's warming up. The Helping Hand couldn't be easier. You simply slide your penis through the tube, crank open the arms, which are evidently lined with sharp teeth to hold the penis in place.
Stop! Sorry, sorry. I forgot to turn on the safety. That's as easy as 1, 2, 3, 5, 4, 8, 2, 6, 7, 8, 9, 1, 1, 4, 3 and 4 together, enter.
The Helping Hand is sensitive, just like your man's penis. Remember, only one of the two tubes is safe. Why? You always want to use the tube on the right, unless you have the Swedish model, in which case it's on the left. If it's the German version of the Swedish model, again, it's on the left, but if it's the German version of the Swedish model, it's on the right. Whoa, you just changed the emphasis. Now who wants a Helping Hand? Which model is this? The Helping Hand. More talks than the other condom applicators.
No refund! From the makers of the Helping Hand, Peter Schapner! Oh! |
cracked | why_underworld_and_resident_evil_are_the_same_movie_cracked_responds | Because it's still the first term of President Bush, apparently.
You've seen all of them? All of them. A lot? Yeah. And I have seen none of them.
Which makes you an amazing control group for whether this is even a thing. Let's watch Underworld Blood Wars. The frame is 90% darkness. Okay, I was like, yeah, I... You shouldn't be able to see anything. Great. This trailer has a lot of callbacks to the 2002 trailer that I watched in my dorm room alone, sad. And I was like, this movie will change things.
Now it's a blood war. A blood war, okay. The first four movies, it was just a war war. Now it's specifically about blood.
Um... Third screen. I'm counting the screens. Yeah.
It has a lot of actors from Game of Thrones. I feel like this is like a dark, shiny Game of Thrones. If you're doing a bad sci-fi movie, you're gonna wanna get as many Game of Thrones characters in as possible to distract you from watching a bad sci-fi movie.
They're even in a castle. It really does feel like they're in the north right now. They're at Castle Black.
I feel like Kate Beckinsale's hands just have guns in them at all times. I know. I think she glued them there. Like in the rest of the movie, she's like, oh, someone's calling.
I can't. I can't pick up.
Even in Click. Hello?
Fourth screen? Fifth screen?
Yep, yep. I love this disappearing from her coat and he's like left with a coat and he's like, whoa. And then he's like, how do I get this back to her?
Plus, is this made out of dogs? Is this made out of dogs? Who the f**k would make a coat out of dogs?
No wonder those werewolves got pissed. Right. Yeah, this woman's flaunting around with an overcoat made out of our cousins.
I'll be honest, I don't love subtitles in movies because they should be proud that they're on their fifth one, like Police Academy Five. Also, the title is made of throwing stars, which is a great way to go. Any movie where you have a ninja star that turns into title is just proving that cinema's alive and well. I'm so excited. I know that was very thrilling.
Underworld, now we're going straight into Resident Evil 6. Subtitle, The Final Chapter. Here's something I'm going to call bullsh** on Resident Evil. Each subtitle has been Armageddon, Extinction, Apocalypse, Afterlife. Do you really think Final Chapter is going to be the last one?
No. Can't be.
I mean, they already promised the end of the world. This is just like the end of a chapter. Now it's getting real soft. At first it's like Apocalypse. And then by the end they're like, end of the chapter, we're reading. The next one's going to be Resident Evil. See, originally it was a video game, and then they were like, the narrative of this should be a movie, and then it should be five more movies. And then this last one should be called The Final Chapter, as if it's a book. Like, it's serialized like Dickens. And then they had to wrap up. I definitely see Dickens in this.
What was interesting is when they made the first Resident Evil, it was like, hey, we can make something that looks better than the video games. And now technology and shitty filmmaking has switched those two. Right, my hands just try to tap through the cutscene. Someone saw Mad Max and was like, hey, we could do a bad version. What's it going to be like to be in a movie where Michelle Rodriguez says, no, I'm good. I don't want to do it. You got another Game of Thrones character, that's how you? That makes it good. Look, I'm talking shit on this movie.
I'm going to watch it while my wife's out of town. I'm going to watch this alone in a movie theater. Right, the studio needs to figure out what everyone's wives are traveling. What they don't know is all the wives are traveling to watch the movie.
What I like is all the callbacks they're using in both trailers that only I would recognize, and they make me sad. Like Selena doing the circle gun thing, and then the laser grid that cuts people into cube meat. That's a famous thing from Resident Evil, and I remember that, and I hate myself for it. Aww. Look, I watch these movies when they first came out when I hated myself, so it feels good to remember those feelings. So it's like a throwback. Yeah, it's a throwback.
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's nice. Yeah, I'll be honest.
I'm surprised Drowning Pool didn't show up in either trailer. They couldn't afford it. Nope. After, yeah. Here's the thing, Resident Evil, you could've had five Drowning Pool songs for your one Guns N' Roses. You could've had Drowning Pool, Lit, Papa Roach, uh...
Yeah, Uncle Cracker could stop by. This is just some financial advice.
Thank you so much for watching. In the comments, let us know about some other subtitles these movies could have. Or, you know, what Drowning Pool songs they can use. Or just sing them for us. Link us to your videos of you doing the theme to Underworld 8. Drowning Pool. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_prof_vanessa_harding | If you had sex with someone who had the black death, would you have to use a condom for protection? It depends what your major concerns were, but you wouldn't be projecting yourself against infection. How long would you get off work if you got the black death? In about 70% of cases, you'd be off work forever. Oh, right. Result? Because you'd be dead.
So, how hot was the Great Fire of London? Could you like stand in someone like Maidenhead and sort of warm your hands on it like that? You couldn't warm your hands, but you probably could see it.
How many other cities did the Great Fire of London burn down? No other cities. It was the Great Fire of London, but lots of other places were affected. But how do we know no other cities burnt down because it would have burnt them down? Yes, but we know that London was burnt, even though it was burnt down, so we would have the same sorts of information about other places that didn't burn down. But there might have been another place burnt down that just burnt down completely, and now we don't know because it's not there because it was burnt down. But then that wouldn't be part of the Great Fire of London, would it?
No, it'd be outside, wouldn't it? Yes.
So were there any others that burnt down? There don't seem to have been any other fires at the same time. Although we don't know because they burnt down.
Well, that's one way of looking at it. The War of the Roses is a complicated struggle, but could you sum it up for my viewers in, like, three words? Conspiracy, dynasty, war. Could you do it a bit more thoroughly than that?
I'll give you ten seconds. Start. It's a struggle to control England and the Crown. I've got a few more seconds. Between warring and... Stop.
Why did they decide to have the plague twice? More than anything, it must have just been boring. Well, they had many, many more times than twice.
Did we get the plague because of the European free movement of rats and fleas and our inability to control our borders? It certainly looks as though the epidemic came to England by ship. So in that sense, yes, it's imported. They are immigrant rats and fleas. And they wouldn't integrate except when they bit us.
Peeps was brave, wasn't he? Writing his diary at the time of the Great Fire of London. You know, all that paper. He risked his life for us, really, didn't he? I don't think he risked his life for us. It was for himself.
If Peeps was alive today, do you think he'd be doing Snapchat? And it's best to say yes, because we're trying to attract younger viewers. Yes, I'm sure he would be. Yeah, definitely. |
dropout | how_to_beat_a_lie_detector_test_adam_ruins_everything | I don't know any Cormac being in the same room with that guy.
Are you talking at least? That's the problem. You won't stop. And that's why America should convert to the metric system. Also, I didn't kill that guy, so. Yeah, tell it to the lie detector, sicko. Really? You guys still use these? Yeah. You got a problem with that? Yeah, because they don't work at all. You didn't know this?
The polygraph test is 100% old-timey pseudoscience. You know, back in the Dark Ages, they would force criminals to hold a red-hot iron to see if it burned them. If it did, it meant you were lying. State your name for the record. Lying already? Yeah! But the modern polygraph is just as ridiculous. Humans are complicated. The truth isn't something you can just detect with a machine. Oh yeah? And what's it detecting, buddy?
Heartbeat, blood pressure, breathing, sweats. Dirty, sweaty liars. But why would being sweaty necessarily mean you're lying? Hell, it could just mean you're doing CrossFit.
Fifty! Fifty-one!
You're lying, bro. You're lying! Hey, stop with the cutaways, punk.
Truthful people can fail polygraphs just because they're sweaty or nervous. And all you have to do to beat the test is stay super chill and keep your heart rate down. Criminals do it all the time, like Gary Ridgway, the Green River Killer, Soviet spy Aldrich Ames, and serial killer Charles Cullen, also known as the Angel of Death. They're monsters. Monsters who all beat the polygraph, just because they were laid-back dudes with chill attitudes. The polygraph is so easy to beat, they teach classes on how to do it.
Really? Whatever, jerk. All this is just your opinion. Hate to break it to you, but even the inventor of the polygraph thought it was BS. Hey, slimeball.
Sit down or I'm calling for backup. The only backup we'll need today is from scholarly sources.
The polygraph was invented in 1921 by a medical student named John Larson. I will never regret inventing this. He would go on to regret inventing it. Larson became so horrified by law enforcement's unscientific use of his device, he would go on to call the machine a Frankenstein's monster.
Stop it! It's alive! Damn it.
But no one listened, and ever since, people have insisted that the polygraph can do frankly impossible things. In the late 1960s, a polygraph expert conducted tests on plants and concluded, Good gravy! This plant can feel emotions like pain and fear. Instead of the more obvious conclusion, good gravy!
This machine is a piece of garbage that goes off randomly. Okay, P-brain, if it's garbage, why do so many people trust it? Yeah, I wonder why.
They say that she's cooperating, but when the mom won't take a polygraph, to me, that raises a red flag. He's lying. During your relationship, have you ever had sex during the course with another woman? You said no. The lie detector test determined that was a lie.
The media has pushed the infallibility of the lie detector so hard that now everyone believes in it, even though it just straight up doesn't work. And this thing is still embedded in our legal system. Massachusetts uses it to establish probable cause. Florida requires sex offenders to take the test. Combined, government agencies test over 70,000 people a year with this century-old piece of pseudoscience. Listen, Conover, you want to know the truth? We know it doesn't work. We just use it to trick gullible criminals who think it works into giving confessions.
Are you happy now? Yeah, I am, because now everyone knows that, so you can't trick them anymore. Listen, shit. Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Ruins Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on truTV. It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
cracked | 1_14_08_news_on_cracked_incest_obama_clinton_fake_heart | It's Monday, January 14, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I know what the smoke monster really is. University of Minnesota scientists have grown a functional, beating, bleeding heart in the laboratory. It's undoubtedly a liberal. Am I right? You know I am.
Is Kirk Filch a polarizing News on Cracked reporter? Let's find out in today's edition of Tough Questions. Did his name is Kirk and his questions are tough? Kirk Filch!
My microphone. Do I really need it? Who gave it to me? What does it do other than amplify the sound of my voice so you can hear me? When will it abandon me, just like everybody else has?
Where can I buy it a tiny suit just like mine so people will think we're twins? Why can't I eat it and put it in my tum-tum?
I'm Kirk Filch and I just don't know. Back to you, Alex. Kirk Filch! Thanks, Kirk. Or should I say, thanks, Kirk?
No. No, I definitely should not.
In London last week, a story broke about a pair of identical twins who accidentally got married to each other after being separated at birth. The once happy couple never suspected that they were brother and sister, nor did their adoptive parents or even their children, Gimpy, One Eye, and Bubba. True story, One Eye is a good friend of mine.
The Hillary Clinton campaign suggested this weekend that Barack Obama has created racial tension by exaggerating Clinton's recent remarks about Martin Luther King. Senator Obama, meanwhile, has responded by suggesting that Clinton is making gender an issue in the campaign by being such a crybaby bitch.
My wife loves that joke, by the way. That's it for today's edition of the News On Crack. Check back Wednesday when we'll be broadcasting live from Madison Square Garden, where by live I mean taped, and by Madison Square Garden, I mean a hotel room in Santa Monica where we won't even be able to live up to these production values. It's Monday, January 14th, 2008, and this is the News On Crack.
I'm Lex Friedman, and I know what the smoke monster really is. University of Minnesota scientists have grown a functional, beating, bleeding heart in the laboratory. It's undoubtedly a liberal. Am I right? You know I am.
Is Kirk Filch a polarizing News On Crack reporter? Let's find out in today's edition of Tough Questions. It is named as Kirk and his questions are tough. Kirk Filch!
My microphone. Do I really need it? Who gave it to me? What does it do other than amplify the sound of my voice so you can hear me? When will it abandon me, just like everybody else has?
Where can I buy it a tiny suit just like mine so people will think we're twins? Why can't I eat it and put it in my tum-tum?
I'm Kirk Filch, and I just don't know. Back to you, Alex. Kirk Filch! Thanks, Kirk. Or should I say, thanks, Kirk?
No. No, I definitely should not.
In London last week, a story broke about a pair of identical twins who accidentally got married to each other after being separated at birth. The once happy couple never suspected that they were brother and sister, nor did their adoptive parents or even their children, Gimpy, One Eye, and Bubba. True story, One Eye is a good friend of mine.
The Hillary Clinton campaign suggested this weekend that Barack Obama has created racial tension by exaggerating Clinton's recent remarks about Martin Luther King. Senator Obama, meanwhile, has responded by suggesting that Clinton is making gender an issue in the campaign by being such a cry-baby bitch.
My wife loves that joke, by the way. That's it for today's edition of the News On Crack. Check back Wednesday when we'll be broadcasting live from Madison Square Garden, where by live I mean taped, and by Madison Square Garden, I mean a hotel room in Santa Monica, where we won't even be able to live up to these production values. |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Didn_t_I_Predict_Jeremy_Maclin_Would_Have_A_Huge_Week_Didn_t_I_Fucking_Say_That | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. All the napkins are made of fancy silk and you have nowhere to spit out your gum. You know you've arrived in the Owner's Box.
Today, I want to take a little time out for my normal stat-crunching prognostication and have myself a little Perry Bragg. If you followed my advice last week and you started Jeremy Macklin, you're probably on your hands and knees bowing down to me in gratitude. Didn't I predict that the Philadelphia wideout would have a huge week against Washington?
Didn't I fuckin' say that? You're goddamn right I did. I mean, check the footage.
And consider starting Jeremy Macklin as your second wide receiver or flex this week. He's only being started in 54% of OSN leagues, but I say he's due for a breakout game.
Boom! I am a goddamn seer. A prophet of this fantasy shit. I told Macklin owners that his connection with quarterback Nick Folds would earn him multiple targets Sunday. The only question is, did I say it because I knew it was gonna happen or did it happen because I said it was going to?
This is the fuckin' power that a god feels, you little pieces of shit. I am the god of football. Oh, you fuckin' hatin' on me. Why don't you bow down to the righteous yet vengeful deity of football?
This is me. This is who I am. This is my studio. This is my territory.
Do you hear me?
I will rub your face in this shit so you never ever again question the fantasy football advice of Barry motherfuckin' Bigwell, the pharaoh, the Egyptian god of fantasy football. Who can never die? Later in my pick of the week for starting quarterback, there's a lot of great players out there and I honestly don't know. |
dropout | what_will_kevin_do_for_ricky_s_money_ninja_ | What makes a Ninja Warrior an iron will, lightning-quick reflexes, decades of training? Kevin has none of these, but that hasn't stopped us from bribing him into a one-on-one competition with Ryan Stratis, first lieutenant in the Georgia National Guard and contestant on G4's American Ninja Warrior. The first and most essential skill a Ninja Warrior needs is speed. To test Kevin's quickness, he'll be engaging with our Ninja Warrior in a time-honored tradition that developed on the playgrounds of middle schools nationwide.
Slaps. In this challenge, Kevin will receive $20 for each successful slap he makes against Ryan. First to 10 slaps wins. Let the cardage begin! Now, Kevin, you got three slaps for a total of $60.
You technically lost, but you're still doing infinitely better than I thought. Strength. Agility. Ninja Warriors spend countless hours through grueling workouts. All so weak people like me can enjoy watching them risk their lives.
Or in Kevin's case, his dignity in front of his coworkers. Kevin will now be facing off against Ryan in a game of The Floor is Lava, an office-wide obstacle course. Scattered throughout, five strategically placed flags, each worth $20. And if Kevin beats Ryan's time, he will win an additional $200.
Any marks? Get set. Go! What's up, Ryan? Done.
Ryan, you completed our Floor is Lava obstacle course in a minute and seven seconds. Kevin, you completed it in a minute and 33 seconds. You didn't beat Ryan, shockingly. But you did gather all five flags, so you won $100. Impressive speed and strength are very honorable qualities, but they don't mean squat unless you're using those skills to kick the crap out of another human being.
That's where Kevin comes in. In this, our final challenge, Kevin will be facing off against Ryan, a first lieutenant trained in army combat. Just for entering the ring, Kevin will be awarded $200. If somehow Kevin beats Ryan, who again is a first lieutenant trained in army combat, he will be awarded $500.
I'm done. Alright, listen, I know you're in a lot of pain right now. Feel that? Understand that?
Listen, if you're willing to go back in there for a second round, we'll give you an additional $300 and you have a chance to win the $500 for beating him. Okay. He's ready to go down, man. What are you saying? You're going third time, $400, and you still got the chance for the $500 to beat him, right? This guy is going down. Come on, man. He loves you. Okay. He's in.
He's done. I'm done.
Kevin, unfortunately, you did not win in any event, but you did win $60 in slaps, $100 in the obstacle course, and $900 right here in the ring for a total of $1,060. How do you feel? I don't want to talk about it. Alright, fair enough.
Well, unfortunately, Kevin didn't make the cut, but you can watch Ryan compete as one of the athletes hoping to conquer the Ninja Warrior obstacle course. It's something that only 2 out of 2,200 have ever accomplished. Be sure and check out American Ninja Warrior on G4. The competition begins December 12th.
Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. |
dropout | we_ruin_your_bar_ke_ha_parody | Drunk, emotional, I'm the type of girl that's horrible Treatin' this sports far like it's a club We do everything that Kesha does Beg you to buy me shots Then brag you did it just cause I'm hot Can't talk about anything but myself And my daddy's extensive wealth LL, LL, getting glitter Everywhere Whoops, I spilled some in your beer Called my girls now they're all here Oh no, no, no, no Let's go!
Tonight we'll try to harp, harp, harp, harp, harp Speak in ten cans of sparse, sparse, sparse, sparse, sparse Put the rest on daddy's car, car, car, car, car Destruction is our art, we ruin this bar We want attention now, now, now, now That's why we're being loud, loud, loud, loud, loud And dressed like slutty clap, clap, clap, clap, clap clowns Ego's like movie stars, we ruin this bar We can't hold our booze Only drink liquor named after fruit Change our mind three times at the bar Then totally ignore the tip jar Our flash is blinding you Take a picture, everything we do We're spilling your drinks, cutting in line Playing one song, singing the words wrong We learned everything we know From pop music videos We deserve a TV show Oh folks, show, show, show Oh no!
Tonight we'll cry and moan, moan, moan, moan Cause we all lost our phone, phone, phone, phone, phone Call mom to take us home, home, home, home, home We always go too far, we ruin your bar We'll post some pics on la, la, la, la, la, la, fine Swear we had a good time, time, time, time Some memory loss is fine, fine, fine, fine Need a drink to have fun, right We'll see you tonight |
dropout | your_new_year_s_resolutions_never_change | Baby, I can't wait to show you off to all my friends. They've heard so much about you and I'm so excited for you guys to meet. Oh, me too, honey. And I know that this relationship is new, but I'm so happy that we're together. Aww.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go powder my butt. Be back in a flash. One sec.
She does this every year, you know. Excuse me? Who are you? I'm her old year's resolution, and let me warn you, you ain't gonna last. Okay, I get that you two didn't work out, but I'm different. I am a fresh start. Okay, guy. Sure. Okay, but she is not who she says she is, okay?
She has all these crazy expectations, like no drinking for three months, and let's go to the gym twice a week. It's crazy, man. It's the stuff of fantasies, really. She's only gonna let you down. I get that that might be your experience, but for me, it's different. She writes about me in her bullet journal almost every night.
Ha! You mean this? What the? What? It's, uh, it's copy and pasted.
Her goals this year are the same as her goals last year. This year's resolutions are next year's triggers.
Oh, and you should know, all of her exes, they look exactly the same, yeah, he's kind of gross. Oh, hey. Hey, no, hey, how's it going? Oh, shitty.
Water!
Oh, this is so fucked. What? So this is all a ruse? What?
She just keeps making promises that she can't keep? She's just been saying that she's going to be nicer to her sister for multiple years? Yeah, and it hasn't panned out, you know, her sister, she's a little shit.
Damn. You know, I thought she was different. No, everyone who makes New Year's resolutions is the same.
She'll tell you that she loves you, and that she's committed, but nah, come February, she's going to forget about you the second that somebody hands her a glass of house red. House red? House red!
It's not even the good kind. But wait, wait, uh, no, no. She sent reminders on her phone to check in with me, you know, to make sure that she's still committed. You think that come mid-March when she is hungover, and her gym is ten miles away, that she is going to read reminders? Man, you are delusional too. Maybe you two do belong together. Although uh, last year, 2017, he said the same thing to me. Ugh, poor sap. Wait, but I don't get it. How can she make all these promises and not feel guilty at all? Does she even have a plan to do morning pages? I wish I could tell you something different, but no. And hey, News Flash, her summer body, is the same as her regular body. Ah. Yeah, sorry kid.
Resolutions are just an obituary written in jail, man. It is so fucked that I have to deal with all this baggage. You know, I wish that people who made resolutions went to therapy.
Tell me about it. Hi baby, look! Didn't expect to see me, did you? Uh, no, I mean this is a little awkward. I just... Rika, is it true? Do you plan to ditch me after one month and then go off with some new New Year's resolution next year, huh? I mean, do you even plan to read one book per month? Listen baby, I can explain, okay? No. I'm just a little crazy and...
I'm done. Bye. Oh, oh man. Well hey, if you wanted to pick things up with me, you probably could now. Nah, I think I'm going stag. I don't need goals.
Hi, I'm Rika from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for other fun stuff, and thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | the_sinister_reason_weed_is_illegal_adam_ruins_everything | Listen, Drew Carey, all you adults always tell us the same thing.
Weed's gonna kill us. It's a gateway drug. Vine isn't funny. Oh, no. For most people, weed is essentially harmless. Okay, no way, Jose. Look, I know this stuff is a little overboard, but you can't tell kids weed isn't bad.
Of course I can. It's true. And we've known it for decades.
Counting deaths from the substance alone, alcohol kills 88,000 people a year, tobacco kills 480,000, and marijuana kills absolutely no one. Uh, according to curriculum, marijuana can get you hooked on harder substances. It's a gateway drug. Yeah, educators have been saying that for years, but it's not true. Most people who try marijuana don't even continue smoking marijuana.
This dude knows what's up. Now, that doesn't mean that it's perfectly safe. Dude, I thought you were cool. Oh, I wish.
If you're under 25, smoking weed can lead to memory problems and poor cognitive functioning. But if you're an adult and your brain is finished developing, it's really your choice.
Adam, wrong way. Also not in a school. Sorry.
I usually only smoke at parties, and I'm rarely invited to them. I wonder why.
The truth is, if you know the risks and you use it in moderation, weed is no big deal. And in fact, humans have been using it for millennia. Humans started growing cannabis as a crop over 8,000 years ago. This crop will feed our family for a year. And this crop will make movies way funnier. In 440 BCE, Herodotus wrote about the ancient tradition of cannabis steam baths. Fellow citizens, as a wise man once told me, they blime. And in America, for many years, marijuana was available in over-the-counter medications. Step right up and try Professor Horcorium's Rejuvenating Tincture, now with the Arab hashish. For most of America's history, weed was legal.
No one cared about it. So what changed? I mean, there must be some reason we banned it. Oh, there is. And it's real weird. Enter Harry Anslinger, commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics and his staunch prohibitionist. Our funding has been cut. They'll shut me down if I don't find a new chemical to demonize. Let's see. What are people scared of for no good reason?
Aha! Mexicans! And Mexicans smoke marijuana. That's it. Hey, racist mom.
Marijuana makes Mexicans thirst for white blood. Spread the word. Anslinger used that racism to fuel a propaganda campaign against the drug, testifying before Congress. Marijuana is an addictive drug which produces in its users insanity, criminality, and death. Soon the marijuana causes violence meme was everywhere, from newspapers to movies.
Just a young boy. Under the influence of the drug, he killed his entire family with an X. Two subtle political cartoons. Nazi propaganda. What does that even mean? Why would he just say the words Nazi propaganda? Honestly, no idea.
But it worked. In 1937, Congress banned marijuana. And later, with Anslinger's help, they passed the first mandatory minimum sentencing laws, which made it so that your first time getting caught with this could put you away from 2 to 10 years. Thank you. That's what I thought. And the true irony is, the government knew Anslinger's claims were false. Scientists proved marijuana wasn't connected to violence or insanity in the 40s. In 1973, a bipartisan commission recommended Nixon decriminalize it. But Nixon being Nixon... Mr. President, literally everyone agrees. Marijuana is safe.
Out. Get out.
I have zero chill. The war on drugs begins now.
I don't understand. If he knew it was safe, why would he be so tough on it? Well, why don't you ask Nixon's aide, John Ehrlichman?
We knew we couldn't make it illegal to be either against the war or black. But by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin, and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.
That's a real quote. Yeah, that's a real quote.
Nixon started the war on drugs to bully his political enemies and minorities. His own aide admitted it. I can't believe I've been teaching this to children.
At least it's better now, right? You wish.
Despite laws being loosened in a few states, mandatory minimums are still in effect all across the country, and marijuana still accounts for nearly half of all drug arrests. And despite the fact that white and black people smoke at basically the same rate, black people are four times as likely to be arrested for marijuana. Look, we know for a fact that weed isn't dangerous, but we're still following racist old laws and throwing countless people of color in prison for no reason.
Listen up! Everything this barf boy told you is wrong and will kill you! Well, we actually have back-techers. Shut it, barf boy, before you barf everywhere! Drugs aren't cool! Dares says so! Oh, the dare program! That was a massive failure that may have actually increased drug use! Hold on! Told you he was a barf boy.
Hey guys, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
SaturdayNightLive | bereal_snl | Hey, how are you today? I'm well. here you go. Oh, perfect. you had it waiting for me. So, no, I just wanted to ask you a question.
I'm just going to tell us everything. Okay. and then, um. everybody on the ground!
Oh, no, no, no! you! we need everything from the vault in the bag. do what we say and no one else to get hurt. Oh, my gosh. open the vault, lady. I'm going to the second! well, pick it up!
What was that? I'm sorry. I'm not calling the police, I swear. slide it over now or we kill you. I want to, but I can't, because it's. what is it? it's time to be real. time to be what? time to be real! Wait. wait, it is? Yeah. I just got the notification. it's time to be real. Everybody shut up! Oh, yeah.
Or tell us what Be Real is. it's amazing. It's this app that blew up over the summer. it's the only on a social media.
You think I'm an idiot? Honest social media doesn't exist. you're so cynical.
I was, too.
But with Be Real, you can only post once a day when the app sends out a notification. So everyone posts a pic at the same time, no matter where they are or what they're doing. Oh, so they're so posturing. Stop engaging. it's not status oriented, and that's why it's called be Real.
Yes, yes, you're getting it! Everybody needs to ship.
I have two minutes to post. wait, wait, post, post. Wait, so is it a picture of you or me? that's the other thing. it takes a front and back facing photo at the same time. you know what? that is crazy. do you guys, like, all work for be real or something? No, we're just so aligned with the mission of the platform. Okay. you don't even think about it. where the hell is security? Yo! come on, download it. you don't want to post late. what happens if we post late? it tells people.
No. so then everyone knows that your be real wasn't being real. Okay, I downloaded it. Dude. And I'm going to be real. No. about exactly what I'm doing. Don't post this on social media. No. no more curation. I don't care who knows what I'm doing right now. I'm going to be real. No, no, no, no, no, no. Download Be Real Today. probably only a couple more months before it stops being fun. Okay. |
dropout | hardly_working_casual_friday | Did you know jet skis kill like 3,000 manatees a year?
Worth it. Nice.
Whoa, whoa, that is not work appropriate attire, you guys. What? No, this, I mean...
Emily, you're wearing Bermuda shorts, and Owen's wearing Bermuda shorts. Breezy. He had Muggy in the groin.
Well, they're completely inappropriate. Okay, hey, Pat, chill out, okay? Because it is casual Friday!
Why wasn't I told? Oh, Sam must have sent that email to everyonebutpatatcollegehumor.com.
Right, yeah, that's the list we use when we make dinner plans without you. Oh. Hey, cheer up though. Casual Friday, remember? All right, what the heck? Cheers! Hey guys, how are your weekends?
Oh my god, Pat, I do not have time for any of your crap today. And I have even less time for an even smaller amount of your crap.
Is there a problem here? Oh! Did you not get Sam's email?
Yeah, apparently casual Friday was such a resounding success that now every day has to have a theme. Today is uptight Monday. And that's supposed to be fun. That's right, every second you're standing there blabbering.
It's a deal that Emily and I could be closing. That was a deal. That was two deals.
Because we're that good.
So, you're saying we should just abandon hesitant Tuesdays? Yes. Pat, are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Sure, sure. Yep. Let's stop before this goes too far. Yeah. I think so.
Maybe we should stop. I'm sorry. Whoa.
What? Whoa. What? Whoa. What?
It's a melodramatic Thursday, Pat! Or couldn't you tell from the way this harlot stole my stapler? Lies!
What happened to casual Friday? Hi. They changed it to Casual Acquaintance Friday.
Yeah, Pat. This is Doug...something. I bought his air conditioner off an online ad. Damn good to know ya. Shut up, Doug. With gusto.
OK.
Coming to work Saturday isn't a theme day when you think about it. It's just coming into work on a Saturday.
Wait, really? Yes. Also, Doug, casual acquaintance Friday was yesterday, man. Busted. Back to the old motel for me. Ha-ha.
You can't call it Bloody Sunday because it's a reference to an Irish massacre. Correction. It's a reference to the smash hit single. It was a massacre first. Touche.
Really wish people would stop shooting themselves.
Yeah, I mean, like. Hi. OK. Hey, Pat.
What do we have? All right, come on. What is today? Is it Mariachi Monday? Bagpipe Monday? Ditalatarian Dictator Monday? Pat, it's all three. What? |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_pulp_fiction | All right, count to three. All right, ready? One, two, three!
Pulp Fiction, this beloved 1994 indie classic, has the perfect combination of humor and violence to keep us watching from start to finish. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch Pulp Fiction forever. John Travolta originally only had one line. Remember, I just got back from Amsterdam. But he delivered it so well that Tarantino wrote him a leading role. And while there might be seven chapters now, Tarantino actually shot three more devoted entirely to this man, but nixed them after he showed up late to the set one day. Tarantino wasn't originally supposed to be in the film, but he stepped in at the last second after every actor he cast to play Jimmy was electrocuted.
Also, the crew used these big gloves to stop Bruce Willis from scratching a mosquito bite he had on his face. This movie is teeming with product placement. We've got a nod to a quarter pounder, vanilla Coke, and black suits. There's a black suit here, here, here, here, and here too, really? Ah, Jackrabbit Slims. This famous dance number shows Travolta and Thurman trying to take off their clothes without using their hands. Because they were in a car during this dinner scene, union laws required stuntmen to fill in for Travolta and Thurman at all times.
You read the Bible, Grant? Yes! Ezekiel 25, 17.
For this scene, Tarantino had Sam Jackson recite the entire Bible and didn't tell him which passage he would use. Tarantino was known for working Easter eggs into his films, like this one. Notice how Thurman makes a square here, and then Tarantino peppers in similar squares throughout, like here, here, here, and if you look closely, here.
The word cheese. Cheese.
Is said 265 times throughout the film. And ever notice Marcellus' band-aid? It covers up a third eye that actor Ving Rhames had. Now for the mysterious briefcase. Tarantino has gone on record saying it contains a light bulb, but he refuses to disclose what kind. Well, that's it for us. We hope this served as your own briefcase and shed some light on a timeless classic. Now go watch it over and over and over again. That was fucking trippy. Oh, man. |
cracked | if_you_don_t_watch_this_my_kid_will_starve | What do I have to do to make you love me? Seriously. I mean, we've been doing this week in douchebag everything for a long time now, and the comments on our site are often really positive, you know, like Crazy Cracker, who writes, Fuck all of you, Lex is awesome, we want news on crack five days a week. Or Steve-o-the-idiot, who says, Normally I can't bear to watch these videos, they normally suck so bad, but this time was different, the lesbian rape joke. Oh yes, hilarious, definitely. Or Joyce, 2-0-0-8-6, who says, Go WealthyKiss.com, date who you want. But still, our ratings are worse than small wonder, and that Joe hasn't been on the air since 1989. What'd he want from us? I mean, we give you hilarious jokes. Example.
MySpace has won a $234 million legal judgment for spam emails and messages spent to several hundred thousand members of the popular site. They won the case, and this is true, after the spammers responsible for the messages failed to show up in court. The defendants have since claimed that it was not a fair trial though, since they were stuck in Nigeria to claim a massive inheritance.
That's funny. I mean, it's pretty funny.
Would it be better if we abandoned the news format and got a little more personal? Up close? Or should I just show pictures of hot girls? I mean, I like boobs as much as the next guy. Let's try this.
Fact number three is Sir Paul McCartney, who ordered a top of the line luxury and environmentally friendly Lexus hybrid car. Normally that wouldn't necessarily register even a blip on the douche-o-meter, but Sir Paul is an overachiever. To get it to him as quickly as possible, Paul had the Lexus manufacturing plant in Japan put the car on an airplane and fly it to England, a move which, experts say, completely negates the environmental benefit of buying a non-polluting hybrid in the first place. Sources tell us that McCartney also has plans to publish a series of Save the Planet pamphlets made out of timber from the Amazon rainforest, and to market a new line of men's cologne made from the tears of dying baby seals.
If you weren't totally distracted by the boobs, you know that was also a pretty good joke, right? I mean, we're doing good stuff here.
Douchebag number two is Jake Rubin. You don't know him, nor do you know the representative, Steve Kagan, for whom Jake is the spokesman. But after the congressman, who's also a medical doctor, treated a woman who passed out during a flight, Rubin told reporters, quote, I don't know if they yelled, is there a doctor in the house? Really Jake? First of all, it's not a house, it's a goddamn airplane. Second, you could, you know, ask the congressman you speak for if someone said such a thing. Third, you could provide quotes to the press that actually mean something like, I have a wide stance, or I did not have sexual relations with that woman, or I would like to have sex with you, Lex Friedman.
But dude, seriously, I like boobs, not dudes. Boobs not dudes, that's my motto.
The other comment we get a lot is, man, your video player sucks. But you're mistaken. My skin really is this grainy and fuzzy. It's jaundice. And also, I'm holding these ads up. I put them here. That's me doing that over and over and over again. |
dropout | meet_the_boyfriend_with_neil_flynn | Dad. Hey, stop pacing. You're gonna be great.
What if he doesn't like me? I've never met a daughter's boyfriend before.
Oh, it'll be fine. Trust me. That's him. Is this shirt okay? Yes, Dad.
You look very handsome. Mason, Clark. So nice to finally meet you. Ashley has told me so much about you. This is the father you've been telling me about. Mason, be nice. It's nice to meet you, Clark.
Can I? Yes, please do. Come on in. Me casa es su casa. Clark, get it together. You can handle this. You talking to yourself, Clark? No, no. I was just setting the alarm. It's a... activate! It's a voice activated kind. Shall we?
So Clark, Ashley tells me that you're a tax lawyer. Um, a tax attorney, actually.
And that's lucrative? You're able to provide a nice life for my girlfriend here?
Mason, you're so embarrassing. I'm sorry.
I think I have a right to be concerned about my girlfriend. Of course. No, that's perfectly fine. And the answer is yes. Right, sweetheart?
Ashley. Ashley's better. More respectful. I don't really call her Ashley anyway. Ashley, why don't you go upstairs for a little bit and let your dad and I talk.
Oh, good idea. Leave me here with your boyfriend alone. You'll be fine. Don't be too hard on him. How's your marriage, Clark? Ah, obviously it's fine. Thank you. Been happily married for 20 years. Good, good. I want my girlfriend's father to set a nice example for her. Well, you can be assured that your girlfriend's mother and I are still going strong. And, I can tell you mano a mano, things are going pretty good in the bedroom. You're right.
That was not necessary. I owe you an apology. I just thought that we were having a moment. We weren't.
No, I know. I know that now. Listen, Clark, I like you. You do. In fact, you remind me of me as an adult. Wow. Well, I'm honored.
And I want you to know that your girlfriend is very, very special to me. That's good to hear, Clark. She's my only girlfriend, you know. And if anything were to happen to her, point is, Clark, I want my girlfriend's father to protect her and provide for her. Have you thought about college? I can afford to send her to Duke. I don't need to hear anything more. Take care of my girlfriend, all right?
Yes, sir. Can do.
And where do you think you're going? To the library. How stupid do you think I am? |
dropout | new_year_s_eve | Oh my god, it's 1158. Two minutes until New Year's and I still don't have anyone to kiss. Alright, options.
No.
All these people are already paired up. How's that even possible? I shouldn't have spent the last two hours doing Sudokus on the toilet. Alright, who's left? She's pretty good. A little worse. Not getting a good vibe from her. And last but definitely not least... Yeah, that's a drag queen.
I guess I'll call her my safety kiss? What kind of kiss are we talking about here? Cold and emotionless? Like kissing my aunt? Or passionate? Like kissing my hotter aunt?
Either way, my breath smells like eggs. Better freshen up. Ah, cold ate wisp! Knew this would come in handy. Man, on the good toothbrushes make me feel like a millionaire. Now a fistful of eggs?
No. No, no, no, no. Let's do this. 40 seconds to Old Lang Syne. What the heck does that song mean anyway? Why would I want to forget my acquaintances? Focus. 30 seconds. Got a speed flirt.
Hey, don't we have class together? I hate that teacher. Who does he think he is? If you were a booger, I'd rearrange the alphabet so that you fell from heaven.
Come on, babe. Let's make out. Ah, nice meeting you.
Oh, God. Oh, God, they're counting. Oh, crap. Oh, crappers. Hey, Vincent. 2010, huh?
No, I thought they'd have flying cars, but now. You know, it's actually impossible to have flying cars because...
Get out of here! You've got to find someone. Anyone. You're good. You'll do. No. No, no, no. Oh, my safety kiss. Even you? I guess I'll go eat some more eggs. |
dropout | camp_let_s_do_meth | Cheers to camp, baby! Hey dude, last night at camp, it's our chance to get with Milana. There's no chance.
She's so beautiful. She's perfect, dude. I saw her loaves!
She digs you, man. No way, she digs you. No, she doesn't dig me, man.
I'm a fat fucking loser. Well, I'm a little bird boy. Don't say that. Oh god, I'm just feeling so much angst! Thomas, not to fret, dude. I have something that's gonna loosen us right up.
This. What is it? I don't know. Open it up. What is this?
Crystallized pot? I've never had pot, but I'm not sure if it tastes like pot.
Oh god, Milana, Milana, Milana, Milana. Big on the chemicals. I dig a lot of chemicals with that.
Are you feeling anything? No, I don't feel anything yet.
Hey, Josh, hey, Thomas. What is this? Eight, nine. What the fuck is that? Thirty-two, fifty-three. Who are you in there?
Oh, you're running down the hall. You're running down the hall.
You're turning. Fuck you. Are you guys okay? She's onto us now, you know. Play it cool, Thomas. You want to smoke some weed? Um, I just, I think, we're trying to cut back. What are you guys, like straight after something? What are you crazy? Do you want to see a vaginae or what? I do. Yes, Milana, we would love to dry your pot. I feel so good right now, you guys.
You want to dance? I love to dance.
My tongue's a snake.
Katie, can you give us something a little special on the bongo, something we could really groove to? One, you got it, woman. Yes, this is really enhancing my height. Okay. Found it!
Ooh, I'm Mr. Goblin Man. I'm the king of the goblin world.
There's too many dolphins in this disco!
I actually don't think I can dance with you because I just realized that I'm super strong. Whose arm do I have? Guys, my tongue is still a snake, so I'm going to cut my tongue out. My laugh sounds weird.
Hey guys, we all make mistakes. Just promise me you won't do it again. We'll never do it again.
I like what you just saw. Just rate and subscribe.
Okay, we can do it. We're done with the flashlight. It's over. Well done. No, I don't. Cut the flashlight.
We're going to get you to it. We have to get you to a house. I'm sick. So, rate and subscribe. |
cracked | the_nintendo_switch_is_good_zelda_is_spectacular | Hey everyone, we have a Nintendo switch and I'm we're gonna someone's gonna play it for the first time I have not played a video game in like real talk 15 years Adam You're gonna be our guru that yeah gonna be my guide I've played about 10 hours of the new Zelda and have read all the reviews that say it's the best game ever before I even Do anything you bring I won't I feel like I could break this in a second having held that controller in my bare hands like It's really nightmare. It's like really tiny. Yeah, and very like yeah, very delicate none of the options I'm looking at our start. It's so I'm in the woods here. You want to hit new game.
There you are Okay, I'm naked in the bath. I'm that little boy Yeah, you're that little boy I don't like this probably the most disturbing thing about the game to me to start is that the first thing it does is give You a switch here's what I like about the video games that I like your Mario's and your and your and your sonics When you start the game, you're allowed to play and do stuff Can I say you don't have to like pick up a switch and read about it? I was there another thing to fucking examine. I will never not laugh I will never not laugh at the way you say Mario. Okay. I put the switch on a different pedestal, right? Can I he you kill something yet? It's gonna take a while. What video games is you're mostly mostly naked at this point I'm mostly making you're like looking at curtains and stuff You're a powerfully muscular child the game is telling me that I'm the light that must shine upon Hyrule once again Obviously, all right fine. Yeah, you're the I don't know why I had to waste 14 Fucking minutes putting a switch on a stupid piece of bullshit so I can go outside I also had to point out you left a treasure chest behind. I don't care. I might need it as a thing Oh my god, it's so hard to move straight.
Oh, it's Solve the only problem that I just didn't I just don't want you to embarrass yourself from all Hyrule out there Can he remain shirtless? I mean he can he doesn't have to wear any of these clothes. He doesn't want to okay I'm gonna remain shirtless then thanks very much They chose to make me wake up with no clothes right and then I had to open a box That was free and I had pants in it right and open another box that had a shirt in it that I'm choosing to wave It would have been weird if you were sleeping in your clothes Is this what games is now that like you have to brush you always have to start from a sleeping position? Yeah, you're undressed.
We're the title card. It's been 25 minutes I'm at the legends of the I just have to say for the audience in real game time. It's been one minute Chuckle nuts now, can I go fight him tree branch wooden branches such as this are pretty common good. It's good story, bro Oh, this chuckle. He's gonna get it Bash his head in Now it's on fire you just burn just stick you just burn just burn stick, bro This game lets me do anything Yes, so he just said something that like that's one of the big that's one of the big things about this game Oh That's an axe dude.
Okay.
What goes acts great. Don't tell me about it. I know what acts are It's a really simple technology and it wears that planet right this beard. There's just one more thing I needed to Ask you It is hitting him. He is bummed about it such a mild response. It's like easy there.
I'm working so hard wailing on Like the axe on fire, please Like the axe on fire, please Look at how cool I am Does anything hurt me in this game? Oh, yeah, you're losing you're losing health slowly over time. How do I Get health You're gonna have to find a thing that heals you.
Oh Thanks for the help Adam. I'm at this temple that that dumb So how many there's oh there is there's a kill that's a pig goblin you he does not deserve to live mess with the wrong naked child It's possible. He was just greeting you and you have no idea No idea. I heard we said yeah You picked up his severed horn. Yeah, you left some other This is also my reward the whole just me against the world Did you get the horn that he tore off the corpse of that monster? Ripped it right off his face.
What are you supposed to do in video games?
If I'm getting in war crime accusations for killing a goblin. I'm glad you take like war crimes Feeling very judged for my outside the box thinking that's good You met one figure of authority and immediately try to kill him with a stick and then an axe Cody You're just joining us and for anyone at home who's just joining us in this video. I'm a Shirtless glistening boy god and my thirsty axe has claimed one life.
Yeah, and Tom was a real downer Yeah, you couldn't handle it.
So now we've really got to run in Cody and I'll bring some positivity So you were asking me is there an ocarina in this game Cody? Cuz yeah Yeah, I play some yeah some Zelda games is there an ocarina and no, I don't think so I like I've played this game really like about 12 hours and like I have no idea what the story is so far So there's no ocarina But like in Wind Waker you would direct music from the wind if your entry point into Zelda's There's always a musical in yes that you get to play. I think you're gonna be disappointed by this one I'm gonna do what seems like this game's stupid agenda There's a pretty good chance this game just has a different story for you. I'm exactly where this game wants me to be right now Yeah, this this this Beautiful dick that I'm gonna climb I guess It's sort of an ancient beautiful dick. Yeah.
Yeah, can I get out without without dying? I don't want to that's a good question. How are you gonna get off this? There might be stairs.
That's a good question Oh, see that right there. I've done that thing Yeah, right there. Whoo There you go. Now.
You might want to find another one. Maybe maybe not other way. Oh No, I can't be dead. That's not what America wants.
Yeah, you'll be okay. Do I come back to life right there? Yeah, I'll get it last save point. I Didn't I didn't save I didn't do anything. It's automatic.
This game is beautiful Do you enjoy that a Part of this game and by extension your time is spent climbing down a fucking thing. I find climbing is frustrating I I personally find that frustrating.
Is this son of a bitch again? You didn't get enough last time It's as though a long dormant power has awoken quite suddenly. That's me. I'm the thing that just woke up I'm what you're talking about. I'm what you're worried about You can answer anything Odd occur while you were top of tower.
I'm not saying to you You're a cop and I can tell I've ever seen the B button use so many times Just skip you intend to make your way to the castle. Maybe maybe not. Maybe go fuck yourself I don't understand how Dan became a street when he started playing Zelda course If you had a paraglider like mine, that would be quite another story handed over There are options are handed over or paraglider question mark. What sings more on brand to me?
I have to get treasure to trade for a paraglider. So I mean there's still economy even in this world Do I have to follow this piece of shit? He's gonna show you something. Oh My god So much faster than him and I have to just follow this old man Just point that dumb fuck back there thinks there's treasure in this thing and he'll trade it for paraglider This game doesn't think I'm strong enough to move that box.
I disagree. It's made of metal Right right to Nintendo and tell them nope put your I'll get right on put your video game It is a little annoying that it's Zelda, but it has Apple pay in a tablet Did you get anything down there or did you just walk out? I just walked out. I'll go back down I never should have put pants on and like left your house this morning, right?
What is there for me to take eat or kill? Manipulate metallic objects using that box That's not what I was gonna use it for but Look around Yeah, we got Nothing interesting you look down though And do it again Yeah, see how those ones are bolder Try try hitting it. Ah, there we go. I don't know down Yeah, yeah There Now try it just walking around with it and see what happens you sit there and you can I'm making you fly Yeah, oh my god. This is as close to a god as anyone has ever been Like he doesn't know that you get free Bombs from nowhere and like he is the first power you get the simplest one And he's so limited to drop it on himself I Try holding the the trigger the right trigger the right trigger down you you're you're not you don't understand what's happening right now That's gotta be the problem All right, I have a meeting Hey you like stand-up come see the cracked stand-up show It's happening March 23rd at meltdown comics in Los Angeles If you want to see amazing stand-up comedians including our own Tom Ryman go to nerd melt la.com slash tickets And if you want to see me without a shirt on your room |
TheOnion | Highlights_Of_Michelle_Obama_s_2016_DNC_Speech | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome First Lady Michelle Obama. Because in this election, there is only one person who I believe is truly qualified to be President of the United States, and that is our friend Hillary Clinton. What I admire most about Hillary is that she never buckles under pressure. And Hillary Clinton has never quit on anything in her life. And when I think about the kind of President that I want for my girls and all our children, that's what I want. I want someone with the proven strength to persevere, someone who knows this job and takes it seriously, someone who understands that the issues a President faces are not black and white and cannot be boiled down to 140 characters.
And when crisis hits, we don't turn against each other. No, we listen to each other. We lean on each other because we are always stronger together. And that's why in this election, I'm with her. And because of Hillary Clinton, my daughters and all our sons and daughters now take for granted that a woman can be President of the United States. Don't let anyone ever tell you that this country isn't great, that somehow we need to make it great again, because this right now is the greatest country on earth. Every last ounce of our passion and our strength and our love for this country into electing Hillary Clinton as President of the United States of America. So let's get to work. Thank you all, and God bless. |
cracked | the_5_most_ridiculous_bill_o_reilly_moments_cracked_tv | Prepare yourselves, because you've just entered the spin-will-always-be-immediately-murdered zone. With me, as always, is liberal douchebag Clippy. Fuck you, Clippy. And let the gays marry over my raped corpse.
They do that, you know. I'm feeling frisky, and that means today's topic is... When a talk show host invites another talk show host on his talk show, you can be fairly confident that there's gonna be quite a bit of talking. What you can only hope for is that they'll both go batshit insane and scream at each other for the whole five minutes.
That's a sin! This is justice! This has nothing to do with that poor old lady mayor!
You want anarchy! You've got to wonder. I want his parents!
Can I finish? Can I just finish? No, you shut up!
And then back and forth. You alright with that? That's fair. We'll just stick to the issues. The issues? Alright, good. Now, one of the issues is you, because you've been calling Bush a liar.
Ridiculous. Bill. Petty. Moore would never stoop to such obvious, manipulative tactics.
Over 900 of our brave soldiers are dead. What do you say to their parents?
But when two masters of emotional propaganda are pitted against each other, who will pull the cheapest trick? So Hitler, you would've let him go. That's not true. Winner! Bill O'Reilly by Godwin's Law! Hey, at least Michael Moore concedes one thing.
I want you to live.
I appreciate it. You know, Mikey, when you feel the need to say that out loud, it kind of seems like you're overcompensating. And when I called you Mikey just now, that's not because I'm in love with you or anything. That's just... I like dudes. Boobs.
When an Iraq war veteran appears on the factor, you'd think it'd be all handshakes and friendly belly-robes. But clearly, this veteran of some number of years... As a veteran of nine years, especially of a nine-year veteran.
Just doesn't understand the intricacies of killing guys with stuff. And when he makes some outrageous demands... I want to take care of our veterans. Things like depleted uranium, military sexual violence that I think should never happen. Bill is forced to call bullshit. You are sounding like an anti-military person here. I always wondered what could get Bill O'Reilly to attack a serviceman, and now I know. That serviceman wanting to curb sexual violence in the military. Sometimes it's hard being Snoop D-O-double-G.
No? Not then.
In this clip, Bill and Lauren debate the finer points of the American legal system. Including such intricacies as... He likes to smoke marijuana. And... Just because you like to smoke marijuana doesn't mean you can. And let's not forget...
He likes to carry around guns that can kill people. Good point, Bill. Guns that kill people are the worst kind. That's why I carry this.
He's a white guy. That's true. He is incredibly clever. And you have the guys like Bill O'Reilly who are sort of anti- Fuck Bill O'Reilly. Fuck my dick. Double Zing! Gee damn, he should have my job. Of course, Bill's audition tape was pretty good too.
Yeah, like Calvin lives in the ghetto. Ridiculous. The ghetto. Tough call. Ghetto.
But you know, it's easy to make fun of Bill O'Reilly. Incredibly mind-bogglingly easy. It's not fair. It's almost like making fun of a child.
That's why I've decided to let a child do my job while I thumb through this book of artistic dudes. News. Four adults were allowed to address the students in an assembly about drugs and sex. I think it's ironic that you would point out condoning drug use when in your own book, The O'Reilly Factor for Kids, you liken a high school student toking on Saturday nights to a brain surgeon enjoying a martini while not on call. Okay, you took it totally out of context. Look, I know what you pinheads. I didn't. I can read the exact quote. I can read the whole paragraph. And this is totally dishonest, and don't get into doing this. What, you mean quoting people out of context for effect? The same man then said, if I had some ecstasy here, maybe I'd do it with you. Same guy. An ecstasy is the pretty- He didn't say that at all. I actually have the quote right here. Well, that does it for episode six, folks.
And in case you thought this one was a little less than fair and balanced, allow me to be the second to say, fuck Bill O'Reilly. Fuck Bill O'Reilly.
You know what I just realized? We're breaking the comedic rule of threes. We had two flashback jokes, and that just feels weird. Do we have a third flashback clip we could run?
I have never in my 30 years of doing reporting seen worse atrocities committed on a human being that Michael Devlin committed on this boy he held for four years. The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents.
Yeah, let's end on that. Who put that clip together, Clippy? No excuses. Talk after the show. If you'd like to help pick next week's topic, too bad, because we've already filmed that episode. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out. I waste the time in the laughter space You've only looked here to be I don't like you |
dropout | what_is_the_worst_marriage_proposal | Tonight's question is, what is the worst marriage proposal? I'm Katie Mervich, and today I am joined by experts Michael Trapp.
That's my name. Caldwell Tanner. My name is that. Grant O'Brien. It's also my name. Grant, please begin.
Absolutely. I'd like to submit as the worst marriage proposal, a flash mob. Yeah.
You're walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. Great bridge.
We're having a beautiful autumn afternoon, New York, Chris Baer blowing off the river, and all of a sudden, a bunch of strangers start singing Elton John's Your Song at you. Now the harmonies are great, but you're surrounded by people you don't know, and just when the song hits the high point, somebody kneels down and proposes marriage to you.
What a terrible idea the public proposal is in general. As a rule. It feels like it's like a held up as being like, oh, how romantic, and just like a generally awful idea. What if you making this important decision hinges upon the judgment and opinions of several strangers who are just bearing down on you from both sides?
Both sides? They're surrounded. Yeah. I want to be clear too. Where are they on the bridge? The hump. Is there any escape? They have emerged from both sides. That's right.
I participated in this particular proposal too. I was hired as a singer.
The other thing with Flash Mob is it becomes a worse marriage proposal the farther we get from 2008. Flash Mobs are done. Oh yeah. They were done years ago. Like a big group dancing in a mall. That doesn't happen anymore, right? There'd be like a legitimate concern. It's like, these are maybe Nazis? Like, what is happening? Yeah, the world has changed. We can't handle Flash Mobs anymore.
She said no, right? She said yes. Wow. I'm going to undermine my point a little bit, but she said yes, but I didn't like it.
Tonight I would like to propose as the worst marriage proposal a special interest cruise. Mine exists more in the realm of theoretical than Grant's, which seems like a real thing that happened to him. Yes, it was. But since mine is theoretical, I would like to submit that a worse marriage proposal obviously means that the person says no. That makes sense.
So, with that in mind, they're saying no. You've already booked passage on this cruise, so once they've said no, you have at least a week left to share in a very tiny room with them. The fact that it's a special interest cruise means that it was a probably cheap cruise. For clarity, like a special interest cruise we're talking about, like, you know. I'm thinking something either like maybe everyone on the cruise is a ventriloquist. Maybe it's a character cruise, but they didn't get copyrighted characters, so it's knockoff stuff like, you know, Cookie Enjoyer. It's a 311 cruise.
And Gambit the Toad, you know, things like that. 311? Yeah. The van? The van. Yeah.
Not the date. Never forget.
So, do you see them as being interested in the hobby? No, they're not even into it, especially the partner who's being proposed to certainly not into it. I want to go back to something you said before, which I think is notable for a bad proposal, which is you do it on, like, day two of a five-day event. You do it way too early.
Yes. You gotta wait, generally, right? Absolutely. Like, you gotta put that at the end. Yeah, that has to be the end after a perfect vacation. And then both of yours, so far, involve, like, being trapped on bodies of water. Yeah.
Like, there's nothing but water. And you are in decision jail. That is what a proposal is. You're surrounded by water and people singing at you. I'm baffled when I find out about people who have proposed and didn't discuss it in-depth beforehand.
Oh, yeah. You shouldn't surprise someone with this life decision like that. No. You should have a spreadsheet. Yes. They have to know it's happening. You can't just spring this on someone during a vacation. You know. You have to, like, any other major life decision where it's just, like, I need an answer right now. Right.
Because you want to buy this house. What? I didn't even know I was in the market.
How would you like to go? I would like to go.
Just changing your Facebook status without telling anyone?
Very good. Yeah.
You know, when you, like, log onto Facebook and it's got all the bullshit, just like, hey, good morning, Grant. Like, we just wanted to say good morning. Or, like, remember two years ago when you ate a big taco? And just, like, one where you wake up and, like, that notification is like, hey, we saw your relationship status changed and you're married. Congratulations.
You're presenting, like, a black mirror right now. But the thing about this black mirror is it could happen right now.
But there's no engagement. I mean, engagement could work, too.
I think, like, anything where, like, it takes that surprise element and makes it very public. And also, you can't even discuss it in person with that. Like, you're just wake up, it's like, what are you talking about? Like, I guess I'll just message you to figure out what this is all about.
I could see someone thinking that's cute. I could see someone like, okay, she's asleep. I'm going to get onto her Facebook. I'm going to change her status. She'll have a bunch of congratulations in the morning. I could see that, though, someone being like, this is so cute. All of her friends will see it and her family at the same time.
Against their will. That's what's important here.
It's terrible, but I could see it being cute. Nothing is cute online.
No.
That is true. Mm. Yeah.
My idea for the worst proposal is say it with pubic hair. Picture this. I already am. Thank you. You're living with your significant other. And over time, you have been collecting their pubic hair. This is not where I thought it was going to go. Wow. Sure. Trimming it when they're asleep, taking it from the shower, things of that nature. One day they come home and you have laid out their moms of pubic hair to spell out, will you marry me? Now. We all have. We all invested. This would take years, perhaps. Well, yes. It's proof that you've had a long relationship. You've got a ripe amount of pubic hair. Now, right.
Don't say ripe. You've got a ripe amount of pubic hair.
No. Well, I thought you were going with this. Was it more of a shaved message? No. I'm on board with. Not at all.
This is you collecting. That's what makes it so awful is you're collecting someone else's pubic hair, forming it into little letters.
Is it just on the floor? It could be on the floor. It could be in a nice location. If you're at a hotel. It could be in the bed. It could be. It could be in the bed.
We are dead.
I changed my mind. I love it. Thank you. That's so much pubic hair. Like, I don't. Exactly.
Where are you storing this? Probably in little boxes.
Wouldn't the person notice they wake up and be like, I'm bolder than I was yesterday. You just got to collect from the shower. Yeah. You could do that.
If they shave, you could take it from their razor if they shave. You have to pick through. If they wax, go to visit their wax. Would you allow for regular hair as well? I think it has to be pubic hair.
Okay. Well, then how are you sorting that out in the shower? Yeah, you've got to sit there like tweezers. You have to. Okay. But that shows commitment. Yes. Love takes work, guys. Right.
And it's weird if you and your significant other have the same type of hair. No, it's not that weird. I know my hair. Very weird.
Cubes are basically the same. Cubes are...
That's one of those things that's universal. Correct. You are... What a beautiful thought, guys. We all have the same views. Okay.
That's it for this preview of The Rank Room. If you enjoyed it, I have fantastic news. There's a lot more of it over on Dropout. So go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
Okay. I said go. Okay, fine. Stay. Oh!
As you lean in, as you slip the ring on their finger, you lean in and you just whisper, it's just a prank, bro. |
dropout | where_sexual_bases_come_from | And that's the third out. Now it's time for This Day in Baseball History. On this day in 1917, legendary shortstop Roscoe McCready joined the New York Yankees, then called the Yankerbockers. McCready, of course, was famous for performing blatant sexual acts on the opposing team during play. He first engaged in a romantic kiss with a first baseman in July of 1918, which he followed by fondling the second baseman's nipples.
Say, why'd you do it, Roscoe? Why'd you think I'd do it, fellas? Master them.
Can't play ball if you got a tongue in your mouth or a hand up your shirt. Then, in August of the same year, McCready used his hands to bring the Cincinnati Blue Sox third baseman to a full-on ejaculatory release. But things didn't always go so smoothly for McCready. Oh no, McCready thought he had the go-ahead to go to third. But he's not getting consent from the third base coach. Looks like a case of mixed signals. 12 games this season against the Byrds and I can't get past second base. In the first game, I got the third base versus the Blue Sox. For Christ's sake, I'm Roscoe McCready of the New York Yankerbockers. In 1921, a desperate McCready hit rock bottom when he tried to go directly to third base.
Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
It was hurt. I felt used.
After that, McCready went 114 games without scoring, before returning with the ultimate slump buster. Controversial new oral techniques he called Sloppy Second and Sloppy Third, leading to more home runs than any other player. Roscoe McCready, truly an American legend. And there he is, ladies and gentlemen, Roscoe McCready, 129 years old and still getting batting practice. |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years | Dude, if this was real life, I would totally kick your ass. Wait, if you were you, or if you were Zengief? No, if I was Zengief. Dude, Zengief's a little bitch.
Look at him. He can't even jump over my arms. Zengief, you dropped that mop in the middle of the floor. I suggest you go pick it up. I can't, Mr. Bloomerfeld. I can't face those kids. Zengief, I'm tired of your sensitive bullshit. You pick up that mop, or you're fired. Can't in North Fifth, please.
You got me going the wrong way. I have to turn all the way around now. Then turn it around, you dirty Arab. Get out! You get the hell out of my car right now! I got your number. I call the cab company in...
Zengief? Oh my god! Oh my god, Zengief! Oh my god, man, it's so good to see you!
You look... you actually look like shit. I just got fired. Can't in North Fifth. After a while, the royalty checks, they just stop coming. I took up this shitty job. Every once in a while, I pull out the old SNES, and I beat the shit out of myself. It makes me feel better somehow.
We should reorganize. Start another tournament here in the city. I haven't fought in years, Zengief. I lost my powers. Your yoga this and yoga that. Hey, fire and flame, dude! Nothing. I'm out of juice. Turn left! |
cracked | will_smith_was_almost_neo_in_the_matrix_and_val_kilmer_was_almost_morpheus | You'd be surprised how a nice pair of edible panties can make a guy feel sexy. Show me.
Although it's nearly impossible to imagine Neo from The Matrix portrayed by anybody other than the immortal, ageless deity known as Keanu Reeves, he was not the Wachowski's first choice to play the now iconic pale hacker boy. Originally, they wanted Will Smith. Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. See, in 1996, Will Smith was absolutely crushing it. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was wrapping up a highly successful six-season run. Independence Day made enough money to build and then explode 15 new White Houses, and Will Smith was just receiving film offers left and right.
But sometimes the hardest part of being a film star isn't necessarily the acting or the cigar chewing. It's choosing which movies are worthy of your cigar-chomping acting skills.
And at this, Will Smith was really struggling. Firstly, Smith tried to turn down Men in Black because he didn't want to be known as the alien guy, and he only agreed to do the film when Steven Spielberg personally called him and essentially demanded Will Smith be in the movie. Because when Steven Spielberg tells you to do something, you do it, even if it's getting eaten by a dinosaur, or eaten by a shark, or eaten by a Vincent D'Onofrio. At the same time, Will Smith was asked by these basically unknown sibling directors, the Wachowskis, to star in an upcoming sci-fi movie they were hoping to get made called Jupiter, I'm just kidding, it's The Matrix.
Would you please remove any metallic items to carry keys, boost change? Now back up, put the gun down, and give me a pack of tropical fruit bubblicious.
Oh, the problem was the Wachowskis freakin' sucked at pitching their own movie. Remember, Will Smith was already a little hesitant to do more sci-fi before he agreed to do Men in Black, so presumably he was even more skeptical after accepting that role, and rather than assuage his fears by focusing on the world building or on the story, the Wachowskis spent the majority of the pitch meeting claiming that they were gonna invent brand new cameras. And sure, we now know they were talking about creating those amazing bullet time sequences, but at the time, they might as well have been claiming that they could invent a boom mic that will record your inner thoughts once you shove it up your nose. After all, the only movie the Wachowskis had made before this was a lesbian neo-noir crime film called Bound, so it's kinda hard to blame Will Smith for not believing they could leap straight from that to one of the defining sci-fi films of all time. In the end, Will Smith just wasn't sold on this pie frozen in the sky while rotating 360 degrees before speed ramping into the faces of audiences, so instead he did Wild Wild West, which is not only a terrible movie, but also is still kinda sci-fi, right?
I mean, Spider's not real, right? Right?
Meanwhile, the Wachowskis freaked out and started asking everybody and their mom if they wanted to wear tight leather and do some kung fu in front of some magic cameras, and they even reached out to Keanu Reeves' one-time co-star, Sandra Bullock, and they told her they would rewrite Neo to be a woman if only she'd say yes, and shockingly, this didn't convince her either. Obviously, it all worked out in the end, and though Will Smith somewhat regrets not having been a part of such classic film, he does believe Keanu Reeves was perfect for the part. He also believes there was a little silver lining here, because according to Smith, if he'd been hired, Morpheus wouldn't have gone to Lawrence Fishburne, the only man in existence who can look cool while wearing a purple tie and nose clip sunglasses, because Smith claimed, if I had done it, because I'm black, then Morpheus wouldn't have been black, saying that Hollywood has a one-in, one-out principle when it comes to casting minorities in important roles. Even worse, Smith claims that the studio was eyeing Val Kilmer for the role. Not only is the idea of that guy giving any sort of advice to Will Smith too unbelievable, even for a movie about how we're all flesh batteries for robots and how the 90s were the apex of modern civilization, but Kilmer was also such a terror diva in the late 90s that he probably would have killed both the movies and the Wachowskis' career by insisting that he play Morpheus while asleep, because you know, the great god of dreams, man. So that would have sucked, but at least if Will Smith had signed on, the movie would definitely have ended with a sick credits rap about how machines, man, they're so bad, the humans gawg, they're hella rad, because they have dad songs. Don't be sad, Agent Smith.
Be glad, like a trash bag, like a sight gag. That's what I call a close encounter. |
TheOnion | Meet_The_Person_Who_Had_Surgery_To_Look_Like_A_Reptile_But_Stopped_Short_Of_Anything_Really_Cool | Burn Barcelona to the ground!
Spiky as fuck. One man has taken plastic surgery to the extreme and transformed his entire face to look like a reptile's. What would possess someone to do this but not go even further? What's in the head of someone who goes full on lizard from the neck up but leaves the remaining 90% of his body pretty much untouched? We sent Justin Perez to Memphis, Tennessee to find out. They call him the human lizard. If you saw Brian Lindstrom walking down the street, you might be shocked.
Green scaly face, dark green eyes, but no three-foot tail. Not a single spine sticking out of his back. Not one.
So you've got the bifurcated tongue, tubercular scale pattern, and so on. That's right. So I guess the obvious question is, why? You know, why'd you go so far and stop before you got to the really rad shit? This is who I really am. No long claws, no pointy spikes that come out above the nose. I mean, you could see why it's hard for an outsider to understand why you deliberately go under the knife to only become half the six scaly-ass monster you could be. But I have my bifurcated tongue.
I'm pretty happy with that. Holy shit. But that could be so much longer. Most of Brian's modifications were performed here by Dr. Michael Hiller. So Brian comes in, tells you what he wants, maybe shows you some photos, and you don't even stop to think and say, whoa, hold on a second. I don't think I can do this.
Maybe instead, we turn your entire body into a lizard body. In my practice, I generally focus on giving my clients exactly what they ask for. So this leads me to believe you didn't even tell them about the type of lizard that has flaps on the side of his head that fan out, and how fucking sick that would look. No. You know what I'm talking about? Like, the kind that go like, whoo. Spending the day with Brian, we got strange looks everywhere we went. People probably wondering, who the hell is that? Why didn't he get his eye sockets moved to the side of his head like a real iguana? So do people judge you for being way more human than you are a lizard, and for not augmenting your tear ducts so they can shoot blood out of your eyes, you know, like a malacardis? You know, I let people think what they want.
Yeah, but I mean, if you could do it over again, would you go all the way this time? Maybe a guy like Brian challenges us to look beyond the surface. After all, maybe he does actually have a lizard's tail, and it just broke off, like on a real lizard. Maybe it's growing back right now and regenerating as we speak. Maybe Brian is a real lizard man if we just gave him the chance.
Next time on Edge, we crash on ice cream social for child brides. Plus, we found a fucking bully. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Nations_Women_Urged_to_Avoid_Men_Who_Wear_Three_Kinds_of_Shoes_Veteran_s_Severe_PTSD_And_Lack_Of_ | Hello and welcome to the Weekly Petuda News Bulletin, my name is Wendell Hussey. You will notice that Clancy Overill is not leading us off today, himself and Errol Parker are away on urgent newspaper business, sorting out some funding and some grants from various bodies at the moment. Lots of smoothing going on. Yeah, a few dinners, a few lunches, a couple of glasses of wine, but basically securing the future of the newspaper.
So they're away doing that, that's the voice of Effie Bateman, known by her Christian name Euphemia to some. How you doing Wendell? I'm good, I'm good. Myself and Effie will be covering the Weekly News Bulletin this week, running through all of the big stories that have been happening here in town, and it has been a fairly sizeable week. How are you doing Effie? Good, good. I've got a busy weekend. Yeah, what's the plans? I've got two baby showers actually, yeah. Ooh, lovely.
What gifts have you got? I haven't bought them yet.
That's... I know. I was thinking instead of getting like baby clothes, maybe like a bottle of wine that they can have afterwards. What about like little Converse shoes or something like that, little Nike shoes, you know? Well see, they only last like two fucking weeks, don't they? Yeah, I know, but you get photos out of them and they're two really good weeks. They look really cute. Yeah, yeah, like in some clothes. Yeah, good idea.
What about you? What are you up to?
Yeah, drop a couple hundred bucks on that. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, not too much.
Footy on the weekend. We've got a bus trip away to Boulia, which should be interesting, first big bus trip of the season, so you can imagine what will happen there, and then on Sunday I'd say... I can smell it already. Yeah, me too, unfortunately. It'll be graphic. But anyway, let's kick off the news, shall we?
Yes, and we're going to start off with some dating news, and a report has urged the nation's women to avoid blokes who rotate between these three shoes, of course talking about RMs, Birkenstocks and boat shoes. Yes, the holy trinity of the fuckboy, as it is known, and this comes off the back of a groundbreaking report where researchers compiled a raft of data from all major dating apps. Among those findings, they found that anyone who rotates between those shoes has a very high likelihood of ghosting women, most likely after a root, I believe. Yes, and it's also found that a mullet-moustache combo was a decent indicator that the bloke would be a ghoster.
I know you had those a while ago when told by your shacked up so it doesn't count. Yeah, luckily I haven't ghosted my fiance just yet. It could happen anytime soon if I keep the mullet-moustache combo going. I don't have the Birks or the boat shoes, or the RMs actually. I have Baxter boots. Oh, okay, that's pretty solid then. Good, golden-made boots. So I guess that's why I'm sticking with my fiance, it's very thick and thin.
But yeah, some useful info there and you can find the full report on our website. Yes, hopefully all the ladies out there do make the most of that interesting and very useful information.
Now, we've got some good news from Anzac Day, and a veteran's severe PTSD and lack of housing has suddenly been fixed after the nation gets pissed in his honor. Yes, a lovely move from the nation after millions of Anzac Day revelers drank pubs dry and emptied their wallet well into the night. Now look, for some veterans and former defence personnel, Anzac Day is not actually that fun at all, with the very public celebrations of their service driving home the fact that our troops are offered very little support when they return home from serving the country, thanks to the bureaucracy-plagued Veterans Affairs Office that left underfunded at the bottom of the government's to-do list and federal parliament fighting tooth and nail to avoid a royal commission into the neglect of returned servicemen and women for the best part of a decade, as well as droves of younger veterans feeling ignored and forgotten by society that would prefer to focus on the comfortable historical Gallipoli campaign and not too much else. It can be tough for some, but not for one veteran named Ken, who said he woke up in his car this morning to learn that his debilitating post-traumatic stress disorder and lack of housing security was suddenly solved after a few minutes of silence and a big piss up. Yes, he was relieved, because he'd seen the news that the government was going to spend tens or hundreds of billions of dollars upgrading all sorts of defence mechanisms as a result of this random review that was handed down this week on the Eva Van Zuch Day, but he doesn't have to worry about that money not going into Veterans Affairs and going on shiny new toys, because yeah, he's all fixed up after that big day of minutes of silence and all that sort of stuff, so good for him.
Now some news from a local construction site, and a dweeby construction engineer at first on-site job is about to learn some things he didn't get taught at uni. Yup, recent civil engineering graduate Cal Tippett has been welcomed to first grade. Despite earning multiple awards throughout the course of his degree and finishing top of a couple of classes, he was reportedly not quite ready to hit the ground running. Mmm, and that was made quite evident after introducing himself to a group of tatted-up tradies on site who don't take too kindly to being told what to do by a little spindly engineer straight out of uni. I believe they said some very graphic things to him which visibly shook him, like he actually was silent and had to walk off around the corner, and he'd received some counsel from some of the older engineers on site, but I think it put the fear of God into him, but you know, look, he's just got to hang in there and hopefully he'll earn the right to a few Friday knock-off beers sometime soon maybe.
Hang in there, Cal. And finishing up with a beverage-related story on a Friday arvo, and bar that took order for $26 ONTAP espresso martinis off the QR code wants to know if you'd like to tip. The nerve. Yes, a once beloved Batutah watering hole is under investigation this week after reports have surfaced that hospitality moguls have come through and officially fucked the venue. Nestled in the backstreets of the French Quarter, the Postbox Hotel has been pouring beers for locals for over 85 years, well before the wave of inner-city creative yuppies moved in with their labradoodles and intolerance for lactose. However, after limping through COVID, some out-of-towners have bought the venue. Unfortunately, that means the postie has lost all of its old charm and become a money-making machine for some pub baron who is pouring $26 espresso martinis ONTAP and has the nerve to ask for a tip when you order from a QR code for one out for the postie. Yeah, indeed.
Very, very sad how quickly. 85 years of history at the postie just goes down the drain. No more live music, no more free pool on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It's gone to shit, but that's just the way of the world these days, I guess.
Effie, isn't it? Sure is. Anyway.
Have a good weekend. Bye-bye. See you later! |
cracked | the_5_craziest_reactions_to_the_original_star_wars_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you've probably heard of a series of mostly independent films called Star Wars. If you haven't, just look up from your computer for a second in literally any direction. Those of you who aren't mythical figures I invented for this introduction know that The Force Awakens made all the money, but what you might not realize is this is just the latest outbreak of a global mass hysteria, and one that looked hilarious back when nobody knew what to do with it. During the six years the rich trade was being rolled out in theaters, children reacted to the movies and merchandise they inspired with an appropriate child-like wonder and enthusiasm, while adults reacted like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction when she had her heart restarted with pure adrenaline. Some game! Star Wars?
Uh... Me too, and you tell me when I stop. Twenty-three, what?
Forty times, and it was great each time. All together, we have seen Star Wars 324 times! Great answer!
Seen from the original Shining that was cut for being way too creepy? Star Wars! I see what you did there, Mark Hamill, star of the movie who, for some reason, is narrating this Ken Burns-themed porno by Dirk Digler and Brock Landers.
R2-D2 and C3PO were in the forefront of the honors bestowed on the picture. While they got to make their indelible impression from the cement outside Hollywood's Chinese theater, the movie collected innumerable awards, including six coveted Oscars. Aww, they're bragging about winning a People's Choice Award! That's adorable. Although, who's ever heard of these, quote, Grammy and Oscar awards? That it played such a large role in the lives of many who came to see it.
Wow, Sokka Smash, either that's a page from Malfunctioning Robot Digest, or they mocked that up for this documentary. What newspaper prints articles with the headline Space Fantasy Film? Not everybody was as thrilled as Hamill, though. Sir Alec Guinness was a little lukewarm, or Luke Skywalker Star Warm, no pun intended, on the whole thing, calling it Fairy Tail Rubbish. He also thought the director's name was Paul Lucas, apparently. Ringo Lucas, John Lennon Lucas, I don't care which Beatles name he has, he's a hack, said Sir Alec Guinness in a Brooklyn accent for no reason. On set, Guinness was quoted as saying, New Rubbish dialogue reaches me every other day, and none of it makes my character clear or even bearable. And Obi-Wan wasn't alone. Harrison Ford's contempt for the original movies was palpable. When asked if he knew how huge Star Wars was going to be based on the script, Ford responded with this. It doesn't, it doesn't read as well as it looks, as it plays, yeah. When Carrie Fisher was asked how Star Wars had changed her life, she said this s***.
I have much nicer furniture, uh, must make it feel good. Yes, it's a lot of work. That's the most actively I've ever seen someone not having anything nice to say and deciding to say just nothing at all. But Carrie, it must be nice being part of a global phenomenon that's touched so many lives. You're right, it was difficult, but I agree that my bet is nice. She was so high.
Research has shown that some birth defects can be prevented by proper prenatal care, and that includes good nutrition. You know you don't have to keep everything you film. You can cut the part before he starts pretending like he's walking across the living room from growing pains. And if you think it was easy for Mark Hamill to get pregnant moms to stop smoking and drinking during the 70s, then you haven't seen these ads for cocaine. At least Hamill's human. Imagine taking lifestyle directives from this catty bitch.
Parents of Earth, childhood diseases can be prevented. Call your doctor or local health department. Immunize your children, please. Once again, think about the audience they were shooting for with that ad. Adults who have kids, probably pretty solid in the whole who-to-take medical advice from department. Sure, let's give the U.S. Department of Health the benefit of the doubt and assume they thought kids would watch that ad and nag their parents to take them to the doctor for shots. Here's one that seems to prove they were specifically trying to make children cry themselves to sleep.
You knew we were here the whole time, C-3PO. And why are you guys hanging out behind a 1950s telephone switchboard? And also, what the f**k are two?
That thing you're smoking with doesn't even have an elbow joint. You don't even know how to do it. Smoking's supposed to look cool.
We've previously discussed how George Lucas bartered part of his salary away for Star Wars merchandising rights. Unfortunately that meant everybody else had to go off the beaten path to get that sweet Star Wars merchandise action. Yeah, every kid on the block will kill to get their hands on a brand new, technically not copyright infringing, The Force Beam. And don't forget about all of your favorites from Space Wars. They've got Dorth Vader with his trademark spaghetti whip.
Little Melty Bear, doomed to spend eternity wondering what its purpose might be.
And who could forget this one? Who will ever be able to forget that?
But it wasn't just nightmares that tried to cash in on Lucas's creation. Everyone got in on the fun. It's all the Star Wars characters we know and love. Leia, Luke, Chewie, Vader, a member of Cobra Kai. And just as our boys are about to chop each other up with their classic white The Force Beams, Hot Pants C-3PO enters and saves the day with Tuna.
Or what I think is Tuna, I can't understand this commercial because I don't speak Japanese and am not currently insane. If you thought they were excited about their product's tenuous, tangential relationship to Star Wars, you haven't met my favorite person on the internet. Have you seen Star Wars? I sure have, excited guy who set up a soda store in his home office for some reason. Now if I may, a question for you. Before we arrived, were you just staring at the wall Blair Witch style?
Remember that scene when Luke Skywalker lassoed that thing? I wouldn't call it lassoing or a thing, but yeah I remember that.
And the princess kisses him and they swing off together.
Leia, you mean, what are you selling exactly? Is this a commercial for you just to kind of tell me the plot of Star Wars? Oh okay, the real reason I'm here is to tell you Magic Market's got Star Wars cups with all the stars pictures on them.
Wait, who is this guy? More importantly, who's giving him instructions from off camera?
Oh boy, that tastes good.
Oh hey yeah, do you remember the fight with the laser swords when Darth Vader meets Obi-Wan Kenobi? Wait, so you have the rights to say Darth Vader and you still said laser swords? So you just didn't see Star Wars, huh?
From a kid's standpoint, underoos are straight up genius. Yes, maybe you're wearing stupid clothes that mom picked out to wear to the stupid school that the man says you're forced to attend, but underneath those stupid clothes, you're Superman or Wonder Woman or holy s*** Daisy Duke, gross. From an advertising standpoint, underoos were problematic because how do you advertise clothes that are meant to touch a kid's butt without being creepy about it? Oh right, it was the 80s, exactly no one asked that question. To ordinary eyes, he looks like a normal boy riding a bike, but using his extra-human pedophile vision. Anyways, when somebody inevitably slapped Star Wars characters on kid butts, someone else was like, hey, why not have iconic characters from the movies playfully interact with semi-new children in the commercials?
And someone was like, Corey, you're a genius, we should have done this years ago. And Corey was quietly like, I have been doing this. And someone else was like, hey, what Corey?
But it was too late because Corey was already dressed as Boba Fett. It's underoos. Star Wars Boba Fett is here.
That me stock faders always near. Also worth noting, this commercial has the most perfectly timed R2-D2 fart sound. You ready? D2 just makes me smile.
Hey guys, hope you enjoyed it. If you did, subscribe. Also, please comment below and give me other weird Star Wars videos. I will use them. |
SaturdayNightLive | cheney_interview_cold_open_saturday_night_live | The following is an Abc News Special Vice President Dick Cheney. The final interview here is Diane Sawyer. Good Evening. I'm Diane Sawyer tonight. We are honored to have as our guest, Outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney, who has agreed to sit down with us for his last official interview. Mr. Vice President, Thank you for appearing here tonight. not at all Diane.
To begin, over the last eight years, you've been involved in a number of decisions, decisions that were both significant and in many cases, controversial looking back. Is there any decision you regret such as well, for example, the decision to invade a Rock. Do you regret that decision?
No, Diane. Based on what we knew at the time. it was the right thing to do. So if you had to do it over, you wouldn't do anything differently. No, I would not.
Let's talk about Hurricane Katrina.
Do you regret the way your administration handled it? I do not. Now, during the last eight years, seems that Americans have grown bitterly divided along partisan lines, uh-huh Is that something you regret? No, it is. not. What about the complete failure of your plan to reform Social Security? Any regrets there? Not at all. In June of 2007, Republican Senator Larry Craig was caught in a Minneapolis airport washroom soliciting sex from an undercover policeman. right? Is that something you regret? No.
About six months earlier, former President Gerald Ford passed away.
Do you regret that? I do not. What about former Chicago Bears running back Brian Piccolo whose tragic life story was so movingly depicted in the 1971 film Brian's What About Him? Do you regret that he died so young? No, I do not.
I, Mr. Vice President, you're a parent. I have two daughters. Do you ever regret that kids grow up so fast? one day you're changing their diapers and the next day they're married and out the door.
Do you regret that? I do not. Nathan Hale, the Revolutionary War hero, famously said, I only regret that I have but one life to lay down for my country. Is is that a regret you share? Not in the slightest.
I presume. You've seen the film Old Yeller. I have. Do you regret that In the film?
Once Old Yeller becomes infected with rabies, he is put down.
Well. Now you're asking me two questions. Diane.
First, do I regret that Old Yeller becomes infected with rabies? Not at All. Second? do I regret that Once infected, he must be shot? Answers No.
Here's something I regret so many times. we're so caught up with our day-to-day personal lives, we forget to tell the people closest to us the ones we love, that we love them often until it's too late. Do you also regret that I do not?
Mr. Vice President Sea turtles come ashore to lay their eggs, but once hatched, fewer than half of the tiny turtle babies make it to the safety of the ocean before being devoured by crabs and seagulls.
Is that a thing you regret? No. Also, we recently learned that my assistant of more than 10 years, Beth Landau has separated from her husband. Isn't that regrettable in my opinion? No?
Now if I may, I'd like to ask you a question about the novel Last of the Mohicans by James Fenimore Cooper. In that novel on Kiss, the son of Chingach Cook is killed.
I was not aware of that. Now that you know what, is that? something you regret?
No. Would it change your opinion if I told you that in the book on Kiss is the last of his tribe? In other words, the last of the Mohicans, It would not.
Well, I'm so sorry. we're about out of time.
I was going to ask, if you regret shooting your friend in the face I do not. Well, let me close with this. Not once in the last eight years have you ever been asked to open Saturday Night Live. Any regrets there?
Not at all? Would you like to open the show tonight? No?
But you would do it if asked. I would.
Not, All right. Well, thank you once again for your time tonight. not at all. |
cracked | the_ultimate_fan_theory_that_fixes_all_of_star_wars_cracked_responds | Hey buddy!
You're a big Star Wars fan. You've got a show that you do for us called Better Way to Watch. One of those episodes is about how if you watch the prequels and you think that Padme and Obi-Wan are having an affair, it's way better. It is. I'm always interested in those kinds of things, especially for Star Wars. As much as I love it, it is more silly than great. So we have a new theory that we've addressed on the site I wanted to pitch to you.
The idea is that the entire series is R2-D2 telling the story of Star Wars. So imagine a scenario where the war is over, the rebels have won, Death Star has been destroyed, all these factions are spread around, and word is spreading, oh the Empire is dead, the Emperor is dead, what do we do? So the rebellion brings R2-D2 who is there for the whole thing and say like, what happened?
And this is his... All of them. Force Awakens probably not, but all six of them at least.
Basically the idea being that all of the inconsistencies that we see, all the weird things are explained by the fact that this is R2-D2 telling the story. So first of all, R2-D2 is a robot. Astromechroids is the kind of droid that he is, are built to be creative. He has a personality. He has a personality, and we've already seen 3PO tells stories in Return of the Jedi. There are things that R2-D2 does throughout both trilogies that are unbelievable.
He's everywhere all the time, he's always at the exact hero moment, he's just there. That's true, I actually never thought about that before. He's always just hanging out. He's right there.
He's got jets and these ink things. He does these heroic things that are like, R2, you can't do that. He's building himself up a lot. He does seem to be the smartest in so many situations. I don't know if you would be... He knows the deal, he's gonna open the door, he's gonna be the savior in all these scenarios. So already, he's a little suspect. With all we've been through, this little R2 unit has become a bit eccentric.
In the prequels, he really puts a lot of the characters from the original trilogy into those. Yes. And they're all characters that he was very close with. He had that weird relationship with Yoda.
Chewbacca is there. My buddy Chewbacca, he's there too.
Han is not there. Lando's not there. And that whole world of pirates aren't there.
So this is his view of the world. Right.
He's not even thinking about Han because he had one interaction with him once. He threw Luke a lightsaber to save Han. And that's it.
So it's like a guy at a bar being like, oh yeah, my friend was there. And you were there. And we were there. And we were all there. And then Yoda showed up and he was there and he said bye.
That was really cool for no reason. Miss you, I will. Like any inconsistency you see in those movies, I think can be chalked up to like, oh well he wasn't there. He's sort of filling in the spaces. So like what specifically? George Lucas, let's just say, doesn't really understand human emotion that much. He's not great at that or like love stories. I mean look at Padme. Right. And things like that were like you have these love stories and like the thing about the sand.
I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating. And it gets everywhere.
That's like a robot saying what does a love story look like? I'll hold that. Oh, well I'll have them say this. And then they'll say I love you. And that is how love works.
So like he's sort of like every bad thing that doesn't understand how humans work is because a robot is telling it. That makes so much sense. Right. And in real life perhaps maybe the robot is George Lucas. Right. He's clearly a bit of a robot. Everything is soft and smooth.
Padme dies in the prequels. And someone says that she died of a broken heart.
Right. And that's not a thing. No. And if it is in a universe with like talking robots and magic you probably can't die from a broken heart. And so you can imagine like oh, R2 was like around and like it was very chaotic and then someone said like oh she's a broken heart and then she's dead and she's like she died of a broken heart. Right.
Oh if it's broken, no wonder she died. No wonder she died.
Let's say you're like a huge Star Wars fan and you love a mystical like the force is really cool to you. Mid-chlorians? There we go. What are midi-chlorians? Midi-chlorians are a microscopic lifeform that resides within all living cells.
We didn't need to know these things. Please not.
One of the beautiful things about Star Wars and the force is like you didn't know, it didn't matter, it's magic, it's a mystical force. Yeah. Let's move on from there. And then you have Phantom Menace that's like explain no you actually have these little magic bugs that live in your blood and they communicate with the force. Without the midi-chlorians life could not exist and we would have no knowledge of the force. Okay then but what is the force? Like you haven't explained it you just added an extra step to it being mystical.
That's just another robot's explanation. Like there's this mystical force in the universe and like a robot doesn't understand those things. Right. So it needs to have an explanation and that explanation is oh well there's like bacteria. Robots need like receptors for energy so it's like oh they must take in the force and use it to power themselves. Exactly. That's a great R2D2. Thanks.
So R2D2 is telling this whole story and he's got his best friend C-3PO but C-3PO is a real dick to him. I've just about had enough of you go that way. Like literally kicking him. Not even like a fun kill joint. So I feel like part of that is being embellished by R2 and so he's playing that up but also if you look at the prequels 3PO has a terrible time the entire time.
Yeah. He's like built by an evil man. Yeah. But also like there's the whole sequence where he's in the robot factory and he's being torn apart and put back together.
I forgot about the scene. And like dragged across this huge arena but like it seems like that whole prequel trilogy is just like man f*** that guy. I'm gonna embarrass him. That's the only explanation for those scenes. I forgot that you have them so bad. And he's the only one there it's just 3PO and then R2 and they leave and like oh everything's fine we survived but then R2's like oh man 3PO really embarrassed himself on there. What an idiot. Well if you watch any of the movies and you're like that doesn't make any sense.
I feel like you can just say R2. Filter it through a droid. Yeah. Filter it through a droid telling a story at the very end and trying to make himself look like a hero and his friend looked like a dick. But all of his friends were there. Right. You know.
It's kind of like you know he was built to fix our machines in the world. Maybe he was built to fix the story.
Someone's got to. Hey everybody. Thanks for watching that video. Make sure to like and subscribe do all the YouTube things that you know cause this is not your first day on YouTube. Or maybe it is and welcome. Oh welcome to YouTube. It's fun. You can like videos. You can subscribe to channels. It's cool. And you can leave comments and leave one. What is another theory that you thought about Star Wars to make it better or a little more watchable or make a little bit more sense. Yeah. Thanks guys. Thank you. Share. |
SaturdayNightLive | waffle_house_snl | Hey, I'll catch up with you guys later, all right? Thanks. Hey, Casey, what are you doing here? I know you and the guys usually hang out at Waffle House after the game, so I just figured you'd be here. I have something I need to tell you. What's up? I'm not going to stay next year. Hey! What?
We had a plan. we were both going to go to stay next year? What? we were both going to go to stay, and then we'll move back to town after and get married. That's what we wanted. No, that's what you wanted, Zach. right? I want more. more than State. more than this town. more than me. Yeah.
I don't understand. What did I do wrong? Nothing.
I applied to this music program in New York City. I got in.
Oh, my God. whose dog is he? My dog. are you going to say anything? is this dog out of here? I mean, what do you want me to say, Casey? congrats. I'm losing the love of my life. I'm just the love of your life so far. so the dog can't be on the counter?
Okay, you'll find other girls. they won't be you. I just. we've been together since eighth grade. I know. that's the problem. I don't know who I am without you. No, I owe it to myself to find that out. Trust me, this wasn't an easy decision. you're making a mistake, Casey. we got a 17th floor in progress. maybe I am making a mistake. you know, but isn't that what growing up is? you know, it's about. taking the big chances, making the big mistakes. You know, that's. that's how we become who we're meant to be.
Do it! I'll do it! Do it! you say so.
Yeah! you know why I'm putting these? Guess what? write down my pants, baby. this hurts me too, Zach. I know that this is the right decision. hey, and who knows? you know, maybe a few years from now, we'll find each other again. it's meant to be, it'll be. it'll always be my first love. nothing can change that. I guess. Come here. everything. I guess.
Thank you, too. Do you, um, need a ride home? No, my dad drove me. you ready to go, baby girl? yeah, I do. free bird gotta fly, son. |
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