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dropout | narnia_dogs_can_t_stand | Where are we Edward? I don't know Georgie. We just stepped through the cupboard and entered a magical realm. Greetings! I am Lucius and this is Rumplefur. We've been awaiting your arrival.
What do you want from us? We need your help. The White Witch has stolen our throne. Only you three can save our kingdom.
Are you okay? Are you injured? Or dizzy?
Define! Stop wasting time! This is a matter of great urgency!
But you can walk on all fours if that's more comfortable. We're quite comfortable on two legs. After all, we are enchanted animals who talk and walk on two legs. If we were normal dogs, could I do this?
Oh yeah, watch this. Okay, okay, okay. We're fine.
That was supposed to be a tap dance. The snow messed me up.
You don't need to impress us. You talk. You live inside a cupboard. The ball to dash. We're not trying to impress you. We are a noble race of talking, definitely walking wolves. Whoa, three o'clock guys. Time to sniff each other's butts. The brine we have visitors. Humans.
Ah geez. Can I interest you in some lavender cheese and elderberry wine? Ah fuck. Not a problem. We'll get that. Give me a paw. I mean hand. Let me just. All right, all right. Okay, there we are.
Right as a raindrop. Tell us, what was your journey like? It was the most fantastic thing. We stepped inside Mumsey's cupboard, right? Here. But it was right there.
No. Oh, I dropped my monocle. You weren't wearing a monocle. Yeah, because he dropped it, kid. Careful, Brian.
We are in the company of our kingdom saviors. We bow before you, brave ones. Okay, that counts. That counts as a bow.
On those blue jeans. Ah, these old things. No normal wolf would wear these, eh? What's going on? It's the white witch's army.
Quick, throw me that sword. You're a wolf. Why don't you just attack them? Like a wolf. But no time to dog. Give me the sword. She shall taste my steel.
Come with us. Speeders of the essence. Here we go. |
dropout | left_swiping_in_the_real_world | Dave is coming, right? I mean, what is taking him so long? Um, have you seen Dave lately?
Hey, bro! He's getting really into that dating app where you swipe left if you don't like him, swipe right if you do like him. Hey, guys. So he uses that for every girl? He uses it for every aspect of his life. How does that even work? Well, he swipes right if he likes something, and he swipes left if he doesn't like something.
Oh, my gosh. You gotta go. How does anybody else have a frame of reference for what it is that he's doing? I have no idea. Mm. Watch it. You know what? Bring it in. Come on. Oh.
Why are we friends with this dude? Hey. Hi. How's it going?
Dang. Come on. Really? He looks crazy, but he left swiped on that chick who was smoking cigarettes, so he's thinking clearly on that front. So dope and spicy, bro. Uh-oh. No. Oh, boy.
Oh, no. No, no, Dave. No, no, Dave.
I apologize to him. I apologize like a human being. Thank you. You're good. Oh, I think he just broke his swiping arm. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_phrase_that_pays_snl | I'm Dan Smatter and welcome to another great round of the phrase that pays the game Where three players can be defined, the missing letters and our word puzzles for big Big pride. Yes, so this is a wheel of fortune, but with no wheel, don't do that. that's not nice. We have three great contestants: Evie, Troy, and Beth.
Don't really have time for a fun fact from everybody, so I don't know. Why don't you just go down the line and tell everyone your agents? Really? Okay, 36 34 No.
All right, let's look at the first puzzle. The category is Song and Evie. Let's start with you. Well, my favorite letter is B because I'm a bad one, but I'm gonna save that for later in the game for now. let's just go with T. There is one T. you've got five seconds to solve.
Oh, I'm sorry Evie. it's it's not that it's not anything Mama Troy, you're up. Okay, it's not Hotel, California, is it? I thought you were gonna guess another letter, but you went and solved the whole thing. how'd you do that? Yeah, how did you do that? Well, you said it was a song and Hotel, California is a song. So I thought maybe it was Hotel, California.
Well, you've banked $1,000. here's our next puzzle. The category is bucks and we'll start with Beth. Okay, I got a lot of letters going through my mind right now trying to think of a common one.
How about X? Sorry, Beth, there's no X. Yes, there is. I see one right there that just comes up when you make a wrong guess. That is a little confusing.
Evie, you're up. Okay, I'm not ready to use my B just yet, but is there a C? There's one C. you've got five seconds. Okay, that it that it will. Sorry Evie, Time's up.
I was so close. not even in the ballpark.
Is it all the lights we cannot see by Anthony Doer Are you a book lover? Troy? No, I actually haven't done that yet. Write a book.
He's on my list. Okay, something's not right here. you're right. We need a new puzzle Cuz Troy's on a roll. And Troy your category is famous Quotes.
Well, my favorite letter is B because I'm a bad one. What? So I'm gonna say B Five seconds.
Wow, I'm completely stumped. Yeah, I have no idea. my mind is a total blank. I give up.
Yes, it is. It says here. Benjamin Franklin said it when he was trying to think of the light bulb. and he is cheating. He's got a device in his ass like that chess player.
Okay, okay, we have time for one more category which is medicine. Like a guest bathroom, Would you rather come play? Fine, I'll play. and I gotta go with my gut. x There's no X. No, there isn't Troy. The category is medicine.
Oh wow, I don't know anything about that. is it? Ellen Pompeo feels super happy after Grey's Anatomy exit. Definitely cheating. And there's an X in that? Sorry, Who cares?
Well, we'll be right back with more phrase of pace. |
TheOnion | Trump_Takes_Out_Full_Page_Newspaper_Ad_Calling_For_Death_Penalty_For_Himself | Donald Trump is taking a hard stand against crime. The former president took out a full-page newspaper ad today calling for the death penalty for himself. Trump, who was accused of 34 felony counts, called himself a crazed maniac and a dog who needs to be put down. The ad, which cost Trump over $1 million, then called New York soft on crime and declared that death was the only way to ensure he could not rape, maim, or kill once again. Shortly after the ad was published, Trump announced that he quote needed to set an example to the others as he was seen raising a loaded gun to his head. Authorities in San Francisco have stopped a potential office shooting that was being planned by this bullied loner. Colleagues described the would-be shooter as a quote complete loser who was hated by everyone including his co-workers, all of whom he planned to kill. Authorities first became aware of the attempted massacre when the unhinged maniac tweeted out a disturbing manifesto leading FBI agents to arrest the deranged individual at his home where he was found covered in blood attempting to implant a brain chip into his skull.
This 104-year-old man was just awarded the World War II medal victory just to be nice. In a press conference, the VA justified the award, claiming Deacon technically did survive the war, just not on the battlefield, but rather as a factory worker in Iowa and that he sells many of the same ailments that actual veterans suffer from due to his unhealthy lifestyle. They even got him one of those fancy hats to make the award seem more legitimate. The VA says if the public truly doesn't approve of the award, they'll just remove it from his body when he inevitably dies in a few weeks.
It's time to strip down and soap up because Walgreens has announced that they'll now be offering baths. You heard me, you can take a bath inside a Walgreens. The drugstore chain's new hygiene-on-the-go options include a basic scrubdown for just $14.99 with all the added convenience of a clawfoot tub being available right in the middle of the store.
This Southwestern casserole is so good, it will be the only thing your kids remember about you after you die. It's super easy to make and so delicious. Trust me, this alone will be your legacy 60 years from now when you're rotting in a box in the dirt. Nothing you do will ever be able to compare to this casserole. No act, no matter how big or small, take them to Disney World, teach them to drive, save their life. Just one bite and your kids won't want your money, your wisdom, or even your love. Just that irresistible Southwestern flavor. At your funeral, your children will cry, but only because the mere sight of your lifeless corpse makes them so hungry for casserole. And one day, when your kids have children of their own, they'll ask, What was grandma like? And they'll respond, Honestly, I have no clue, but I do remember a casserole. Wow, and just like that, dinner is served. Come and get it, kids! |
dropout | we_want_dessert_full_episode | What happened? I see Plum Run. My name is Plum. I'm 12 years old. And I'm running for president! My mama, my campaign manager. Splish splosh. Plum's turned to sour grapes when it was discovered that mama was having sex with Plum's 16-year-old Manny.
What that lives in the basement? So we just moved in with a ghost?
This is our daughter Kennedy. Kennedy for president.
So Rain and Jim, they turned out to be kind of assholes. Bill Billy. Bill Hillary!
So, I'm just making Plum, I mean, Plum wants to run for president. I'm gonna be a king! That's right, baby. Just like, um, we think of a king, um, burger. Plum for president!
We're gonna take a flyer, please. Take a flyer, please. Hey, take a flyer. Take a damn flyer.
Oh! Mm-hmm. Mama, nobody's taking. Don't worry, baby. Mama, think of something.
Now, when you's launching a political campaign, you need what's called a publicity stunt. Something planned, something meaningful, something tasteful, something on-brand, something viral, something loud.
So I pulled the fire alarm. Attention everyone, this is not a drill. There is a real fire happening inside of school. There are some students still trapped inside. They will die. Because that fire is too big, too hot, too sexy. Please say hello to that fire.
Y'all's next president. Press Plum! Two, three, four. What's your name? Press Plum! What's you doing? President! What do you do? Vote for me! What is that? I don't know.
So what happened was I hired a bunch of dancing firemen off of the internet, and as it turns out, they was real good. Aren't you the same woman who had sex with a 16-year-old boy? Oh, my God! It was legal! And oral!
Ah, excuse me. Is this one where people run for president? Plum, you can stay here for now. Ms. Miller, Principal Harris would like a word with you. Ooh. Stick some stones and break your bones. So watch out, cuts! Well, what really got to do with this? Baby, you want to stick it to rain and jam, don't you? Yeah. Besides, you're too old for them pageants now. Yeah. That's the biggest pageant of all. The President, MC. Well, by the principle, why talk to you?
Is you in trouble or something? You meant the last time we happened when we got in trouble. We ran away. Uh-huh, and then what? We lived in a car.
That's right. We ain't had no last play for a while. And that's because Mama always gets out of trouble. That's right.
Eat your breakfast. I know Candy allowed at school. You brought strippers into this school. Okay, I do am sorry, but they said it was dancers on Strippers.com. Regardless, I've got some bad news for you.
Plum cannot run for student body president. And why is that is is? She's in the seventh grade. Only seniors can run for student body president. It's right here in the school's bylaws.
You just paid me to read all this? I dog-eared the page. You just paid me to read all this? I highlighted the sentence. You just paid me to read all this?
I know you're disappointed. But next week, we're having auditions for Into the Woods, and Plum could audition for Little Red Riding Hood. She's all for only.
The election is modeled after a French runoff. You will each have two minutes to make your speeches. After that, the students will vote, and the two candidates with the most votes will go on to the election next month. My speech is two and a half minutes. Will that be an issue? Two minutes.
There go my humanizing jokes. So Plum got this thing where she don't get no candy. She turned into a monster. Sugar makes me normal.
Nom, nom, nom. Psst. Got any candy? No. Sorry. Psst.
Got any lollipops? Ring pops? Pop-darts? Sweet-arts?
Sorry, little dude. Oh, man. I'm desperate. I'll even take a freaking yellow starburst if you have one. I'm sorry. I do have this half avocado, though. Do you want one? I have one, man. So Principal Harris, he done take a big old dump all over my hopes and dreams, but, lucky for Mama, I knew just who could wipe it up. All right, so here's a deal.
In order for Plum to run for president, she's gonna need to be a senior, okay? So I'm gonna need you to use your power as time lords to make her 18. And also, while you're at it, do you remember my titties 18 and my ass 24? The 24 was, like, peak ass. Again, Ms. Miller, we're not ghosts or time lords. You're pale, sad wizards. We're grad students. All right, I'm actually getting my MBA, and Brian is a poli-sci major. And Plum doesn't need to be a senior to run for president.
Okay, okay, okay, and what is that? What does that mean?
According to these bylaws, a student needs to be in their final year at Buckingham Academy to run for president. Their final year, not their senior year.
I'll be a fucked bag. Brian, you're hired. Come with me. Well, I work part-time at Bartoo Cheese. I'll give you free rent for a month.
Forever. Two months. Forever.
Deal. I am a good negotiator.
Kyle, you're first, followed by Fiona Jackson Kennedy, then... Wait, where's Plum?
I was real hungry, so I looked under them seats, and I found a used candy shop. Look at this girl. She, like, dolled brownie hunter over here.
This one's good. This one's old.
Five-year rule. Miss Weaver, Plum will not be participating in today's assembly. Can I have her minutes?
Nathan, can you take Plum's podium off stage? Hey! You leave the room! Sorry. I ran too fast. I vomited and did it on the floor, but now that you're all looking at me, I have something to say. You leave that podium! You leave that podium right where it is!
And who might you be? I'm Brian Sullivan. Cloud! I'm a poli-sci major with a minor in your worst nightmare. It's actually theater. I just like being dramatic.
Student body president may be held by a student in his or her final year. Final year, not senior year. Your point being, you let Plum run. This will be our final year here.
Then we'll be out of your pubes, lickety-clicked. On one condition. If she loses, you leave right away. You got yourselves a deal. Let's just call it a verbal agreement, shall we? Um, I'm not spitting your mouth.
Plum doesn't have a platform. No shit, sir. Walk off like a zeezer dumb face.
Uh, so we have marching band and we have jazz band. Why not ska band, my dudes?
Oh, oh, I got a swimming pool. What? A swimming pool. Everybody wants a pool at school. It even rhymes. A pool at school? A pool at school could be so fucking awesome.
Quick, let's get that in Plum's head. And now, ladies and gentlemen, candidate Kennedy. Hello, Buckingham Academy. My name is Kennedy Acorn, and I have a vision for a school that we can all be proud of. Students, teachers, and parents alike. A vision that begins with me.
Gandhi once said... I need you to talk to me. Absolutely not. But it's important.
You may not interrupt my assembly. Okay. Okay, well... Do you feel strongly in a settle? I'm just gonna go back on over here.
The key to our success is a healthy body and a healthy mind. In conclusion, school will save your life, and I will save your school. Yes, you're strong. Here's your junk food. You don't allow candy at school.
Did anyone tell Plum that? And finally, running on a technicality, 7th grader Plum Miller. Spit it out. No. Do it now. Make a man. Uh-oh.
I think this is gonna be bad. Yeah, this is gonna be bad.
First, it was my fucking candy bar. Then it was my fucking...
Eat whatever. Eat chocolate? Pizza?
What is this? It looks like a door. Is this prison? Did I kill a man? Did I go to jail? Last I checked. This here a free country.
My tummy. My choice. Who's with me?
Mama, you won't get into the trouble for bringing all that sense of firemen to school. Mm-hmm. But finally, what happens next?
You got to sign up for Dropout. What's Dropout?
Well, it's a premium ad-free, uncensored comedy platform. One of the people that do call it humor.
If you sign up today, I'm gonna give you a tight, hot hand job. Mm-hmm. |
TheOnion | Newsroom_Americans_Observing_911_By_Trying_Not_To_Masturbate | Today marks the 8th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks on this country. Across the nation, millions of Americans are showing their respect for the somber occasion by reminding themselves not to masturbate. It's a serious day, and it's in really bad taste to masturbate today. It's hard to go a whole day without jerking off even once, but it's a respectful and patriotic thing to do. At ceremonies across the nation, thousands gather to light candles, give prayers, and silently remind themselves that it would be wrong to touch themselves sexually when they get home. The solemn gathering gave those who attended a chance to reflect on where they were eight years ago today, a day that will be marked forever after as a day that will feel weird to masturbate on. I was watching television while masturbating, and they started showing the footage of the towers, and I knew it wasn't right to finish up. Media outlets are doing their part to help the American public not feel like masturbating by printing and broadcasting hundreds of images of weeping Americans, and many pornographic websites took down their content for 24 hours. But for some, especially those who are younger, the passing of 9-11 is becoming a less meaningful occasion. I know that I probably shouldn't masturbate today, but I don't know. Should I not masturbate on Pearl Harbor Day too? There's literally nothing in this world that will keep me from masturbating. While the day is somber, many are looking forward to tomorrow, 9-12, so-called Masturbation Day in America, where everyone is going to masturbate twice as much to make up for the previous day.
Moving on, Congress is holding hearings to appoint a new cast member to The View this week. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_108_Malcolm_Turnbull | We've actually had to leave our bedrooms for this one because we can't really have a margin of error on this interview. Today's interview is one we've been waiting for for a little while. It's with the 29th Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull. Thank you for joining us. Yeah, great to be with you both. Now Malcolm, just before we get into your new book, I just want to take us back to the 11th of March 2017. That was the day of the Western Australian election. That was also the day that we managed to meet up with you at a nice pub in Sydney and have a bit of a talk on Facebook live. For us at the time, it was quite confusing why a sitting Prime Minister would take the time out of his day to do that. We just would like to know what it was like from your perspective.
Oh, I got to tell you, I was very impressed with the way you kept on moving the schooner glasses around so that it appeared that I was having about five times as many beers as I did. So anyway, anyone watching could have assumed that I was trying to win a sort of beat Bob Hawke and the beer-drinking Prime Ministerial steaks, but no, it was good to see it.
And then again, we were lucky enough to have you launch our book in Parliament House almost a year later, which is fitting because now we're helping launch your book today. That's right. A bigger picture. Good book.
They always say at good booksellers everywhere, but are they bad booksellers? Yeah, I think the bad ones are the ones that have a very discreet entrance that's covered with beads or something. Oh right, and books provided in brown paper. The blue booksellers. Yeah, I think that's all a bit out of date, isn't it?
We were actually panned quite heavily for having both you and Mr Littleproud launch our book. We were called Liberal Party bootlickers, hidden centrist cowards, which is actually quite ironic now because we're probably going to be called leftists for launching your book.
Well, you just can't take a trick then. No, it's the Wild West we live in.
But tell me, how does that feel? Does that sting a little bit when you get called a raging lefty, even though you've been a member of the Liberal Party for how many years? Three decades? For a long, many years, decades.
Look, I mean, you know, there are right-wing nut jobs who like to describe me as a big lefty yet, and then in the next breath, they'll say I'm an out of touch plutocrat living in my harborside mansion. So, you know, you just can't keep everyone happy. Well, there you go. I mean, look, it's laughable, right?
I mean, I would have thought, I've not only practiced free enterprise in business, I've done my best to support it and enhance it and encourage it, particularly innovation in government. So I'm not troubled by the cries of people who say I'm a big lefty. The real question is, what does right-wing mean anymore? It used to mean, I think, that you were in favor of, you know, lower taxes, free enterprise, you know, support business, that sort of thing. Nowadays, it seems to be mostly a cultural thing. It's populist, you know, it's in favor of protectionism. It's, you know, I mean, the Republican Party in the United States used to be the free trade party. You know, Trump is, you know, champion of protectionism and, you know, pulling out of free trade deals where he can. So it's a fairly, it's a wild environment. I mean, I'm not sure a lot of these people, a lot of these labels have lost their meaning or their meaning has changed perhaps.
Do you think that's really because we saw Trump win in 2016? How different do you think the world would be now if Hillary won? Would it have just been an extension of what we saw under Obama? Just like, yeah, I think you would have, you would have had much more continuity with Hillary, there's no doubt about that.
The whole sort of make America great again to the rest of the world sounds like America first and, you know, everybody else left for dust. That has been a pretty unattractive message for most countries. And the consequences, as I describe in my book, you know, America's actually got less influence today than it had and not least because Trump doesn't want to have more influence in the world. You know, he's got a very oblique view of the world and he is much less ambitious for America's role in the world than, you know, his predecessors have been.
Yeah. Well, when you first spoke to him on the phone, did you have any nerves? Like did you, you know, like you were about to speak to the president of the United States?
Well, you see, basically what had happened was I'd done a deal with Obama whereby, you know, we would resettle some refugees that the Americans had from Central America and we were doing some other favours for them, other things for them, being very helpful. And in return for that, they would resettle about 1,250 of the, that was the, it could have been more than that, of the people that were on Nauru and Manus. Now none of these people were security risks. The only reason we didn't bring them to Australia was because we didn't want the boats to start up again. You know, that's why Rudd put them there, you know, because he realised that he's abandoning Howard's border protection policies and backfired, massively.
That was the deal. So we were doing, you know, it was a two-way deal. We were doing things, America was doing things. We were confident that Trump would stick with it. We had every reason to believe that.
And then an hour before the scheduled call, the Vice President, Mike Pence, rang Julie Bishop and the National Security Advisor, then Mike Flynn, General Flynn, rang Justin Bassi in my office and they said, sorry, the deal's off. The President doesn't want to do it. And would the Prime Minister not raise it, please?
So that, and I have obviously had to keep this deal alive, it's really important because I wanted the people, I wanted the people that were on Matanaru and Manus to get off. I wanted to get them off, but I didn't want to get the people smugglers back in business.
So this American deal was very important for that. And so we had a pretty rowdy call, as is well known. And Trump was very angry and, you know, carried on and said it was the worst call he'd had since worse than Putin, apparently. And he described it as a very bad deal, didn't he? At least it was in English, you know, that's something. But the good thing was, you know, he wasn't happy about it, in fact, he was furious, but he did stick to the deal and that was the important thing.
And I haven't got the latest figures now, but, you know, there are a lot of people who have been resettled in the United States as a consequence. So, you know, it's been a good outcome for them. Reading your book, particularly the earlier chapters, it really, for a lot of Queenslanders, it's a bit of a throwback to the old Les Norton novels down there at the Surf Club and, you know, running around Centennial Park, you're probably a bit better behaved than Les Norton. But it's interesting to hear how diverse the people around you were growing up down there at that point, you make a point of, you know, whether it's the old Hungarian Jewish rag traders or the Kiwis that came later and how it was all a bit eclectic. And that seems to have followed you into politics. You know, you were quite often quoted as saying, you know, we're the most successful multicultural nation in the world. And obviously you would have done a lot of business with people from different backgrounds and the like.
How did it feel when you were trying to drive that message as the leader of your party to, you know, turn on the news and find out Peter Dutton's gone and said that all African teenagers are gangsters or, you know, there was, I think it was one point he said, the cause of all of the crime in Australia is because we let Lebanese people in, in the seventies. Like he didn't, he didn't go, he didn't say that, but look, Dutton, what, what Dutton used to do, and I assumed it was just the result of not being, you know, bright enough, frankly, and nimble enough, what he used to do was get on the shock jocks, you know, like Hadley in particular, and he would get onto these issues and he would end up agreeing with whatever crazy stuff they were talking about. And you know, then we had to sort of, then we had, and he'd always be apologetic and then we'd have to clean it up and I'd have to sort of nuance my way and everyone else would have to nuance their way around it. So without going out publicly and saying he's a boofhead, he'd be sort of just kind of sidestepping. What he really meant to say was X, Y, Z, which in fact he said ABC, you know, there was a time, there's a story about it in the book, but you know, during the 2016 election, when he said that the problem with refugees was that they were illiterate in both English and their own language and were taking Australian's jobs. Well, of course, quite how someone who is illiterate in all languages is going to be putting Aussies out of a job, seems a little counterintuitive. And it just, it was so offensive to so many people and it just, you know, like it distracted the election campaign for a couple of days, basically, and became an international furore.
Why did he say that? I've got no idea, but it was, you know, that's what he did. Maybe what he was doing was marketing himself to that LNP, you know, base, you know, there's a saying in the LNP, you know, about throwing red meat to the base. So that means if you, you know, say climate change is rubbish, coal is good, you know, refugees are dreadful. That's quote red meat to the base.
I don't know whether it ingratiates you with the base in Queensland with the rusted on LNP voters. I'm not sure. I think a lot of people in the LNP make assumptions about the conservatism of Queenslanders that are not borne out by the evidence.
Queenslanders just want to be able to pull down trees again. We just want to clear land again, mate. That's all we want. Yeah.
But, you know, you look at the same sex marriage ballot. I mean, I was, I can't tell you how many people in the LNP told me Queensland was absolutely anti-gay marriage, you know, and it was a terrible issue.
Except for the very top. You know, they were angry. And the yes vote was higher than New South Wales. Yeah, Warren Ench actually, Warren Ench in the very tip was, that was a very big yes. Just below that was Cata, which was a very big no. And of course, out in Betuda, we put the no back in Maranoa. So only by a, you know, a whisker. I mean, the truth is that in that same sex marriage postal ballot where there was a very high turnout, you know, 80% participation, the only seats where there was a very high no vote was actually in Western Sydney. You know, I mean, in Queensland, Cata was, I think about 56%. No. Maranoa was low 50s and Groom, which is Toowoomba was, you know, 50.3 or something.
And everything else was yes. And those are considered Bible belts. Yeah, exactly.
Well, speaking of intelligence, just on the topic of it, how hard is it to be a Rhodes scholar? There's you, there's Tony, there's Angus Taylor. And I'm sure there's a couple more. But as a rank outsider, what are the ropes you've got to jump through? I mean, I was reading the Bible. I think the Rhodes scholars, I think Rhodes scholarships, you know, they get, they're probably a bit overrated.
The best comment on a Rhodes scholarship was when I actually won it in, you know, in, would have been, I guess I would have learned about it in 1977, I could end up 77. And my father was a hotel broker and he was out at a pub in North St Mary's and, you know, Western suburbs of Sydney. And I managed to track him down and, you know, I called him and I told him that I'd won the Rhodes scholarship and he was very excited and said he'd come back into the city and see me get into town. And then he rang back a few minutes later and he said, ah, he said, he's bloody public in here. He said, he said, you know, he said, he doesn't know what a Rhodes scholarship is. I said, what do you mean? He said, I told him you'd won a Rhodes scholarship. And he said, that's great, Bruce.
I've got a cousin in the Department of Main Roads. I better make sure we introduce them. You know, maybe Rhodes scholarships would be more useful if they were actually about Rhodes. Well, I think Peter Dutton was a traffic cop, wasn't it? I guess he's a scholar. I'm not, I think he did a number of the highway then he was in the drug force in Queensland. Yeah, we are.
We actually get messages from people who've been arrested by Peter Dutton 30, 20 years back. One bloke said, I'll never forget the face of that bloke. He busted me with a stick of weed up there in red Hill.
Now, can you tell us a little bit going forward? You were given the position of communications. I'm not sure if you put your hand up for that, but it, it did seem like a bit of a hospital pass from a man that probably didn't really want you around. And it was kind of interpreted by the base as you being given the responsibility to slash the budget to the ABC and mess around with the NBN. Now, Angus Taylor has been given an equally tricky cabinet position. I mean, I don't think either of those are right.
I mean, what I actually did was I sorted the NBN out and, you know, it's basically built now. I mean, it's like 95% finished. And so it's been, the NBN's are actually a great turnaround story, you know.
But anyway, go on about Angus. Does it, is that a thing in politics? Cause you know, the voting base would believe that everything is utopian and everyone works together. Would want to believe that even Angus Taylor's position, which feels like he's kind of for a man like him, almost in a position where he cannot succeed. Does it feel like they throw hospital passes like that? Well, it's, I mean, Angus's, Angus's problems, political problems are just being consistently created by Angus. I mean, he's not, you know, the business with the Lord Mayor of Sydney with Clover. I mean, that's all, that's all baffling. I mean, Angus is a Rhodes Scholar and actually quite actually pretty numerate guy, I always thought.
But how he could have imagined, you know, the city council was spending, you know, the gigantic amount of money on travel that he alleged was obviously wrong. I mean, there's, you know, there's, I don't know how many people work for the city council. Maybe there's a thousand, but you know, there's, you know, a lot of them are, you know, agarbos and people going around booking, booking cars for double parking and so forth. I mean, you know, park inspectors. I mean, the idea that you're spending millions and millions of dollars on international travel is ludicrous.
Couldn't, they couldn't do it if they tried. So, you know, quite why he, he piled into that, I don't know. Why, what do you think that happens though, where you'll be given a hospital pass just so that, you know, maybe they see a bit of ambition in you? Do you feel like you, you got many of them? I don't think so.
I mean, I think the, I mean, the Howard made me environment and water minister because he knew I was, I think John's motives were probably one, he knew I was very interested in, in water and knew a bit about it. And he had a lot of drought problems at the time. And two, he wanted someone who was seen as being, you know, a bit green environmentally to be the environment minister. He presumably thought I was competent. So all of that helped.
And as far as communications was concerned, Abbott felt that he'd lost the 2010 election because of the NBN. You know, he felt it was very close, as you remember, and he felt that the NBN was a reason for that. And so, you know, I think he wanted me to sort out a coherent, you know, viable policy on the NBN, which I did and which we put in into place.
And you know, there it is, it's up and running. Yeah.
I mean, Labour made a hash of the NBN, I'm afraid, but, and they lost a lot of money that we can never get back. But the team at NBN have done a very good job rolling it out. And we're now in a position where they, I think you would struggle to find a developed country or any country with as ubiquitous sort of universal broadband coverage as Australia has, because, you know, there are plenty of places where, you know, people will say, oh, you know, this country's country's got higher broadband speeds, yes, for 5% of the population. I mean, even in the United States, you know, there are big parts of America, particularly in rural areas, where they have virtually no broadband at all. So the fact that we've got really everyone in Australia who's connected to the NBN should be able to get at least 25 megabits per second. And 90% of the fixed line footprint should, has to get, and does, get over 50 megs. The average speed on the fixed line network, the FTTN network is over 70 megs. You know, that's not bad, you know, frankly. And it makes it, you know, makes it for a much fairer broadband service across the country. So what was the main things in relation to the NBN that was different about your approach than to Labor's?
For a start, I took a business like approach, okay. So my focus was on the customer and that's, you know, that's a good place to start any business. And so what does the customer want? The customer wants connectivity at a speed that they're enabled, that enables them to do what they want to do and at an affordable price.
So that's why we didn't do five of the premises for the whole fixed line footprint, because it would have cost, you know, $25M, $30M more and taken many years more. I mean, it only, it would be maybe half built, look, be generous, maybe it'd be 60% built by now, but it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be where it is today. And so there'd be millions of people who could not do Skype or Zoom or anything like that. Whereas now, you know, the vast majority of people are able to do it. So the critical thing is not the technology, the technology you use is a detail. It's interesting to me and I can bore for the world on it, but I'll restrain myself.
For the customer, they just want to know that they've got the service, right? They don't care. They're all those wires and routers and routers and, you know, all that stuff and servers, all that switches. That's for someone else to worry about. They just want to get their Netflix or their, you know, FaceTime or whatever they're doing. Speaking of routers, you had a bit of trouble with the National Party. You're talking about beep routers.
Yeah, who we have met with. I don't think he'd talk to us too much nowadays, but we've been out there in Wolkle with him, sinking tins and hearing everything and we hope to get him on here one day. So, Barnaby, I know you're definitely listening. Please jump on. Yeah. Have you, did you at any point and we hoped we'd get a bit of juice out of you today.
Can you tell us if you ever yelled at anyone? You know, just kind of yelled at an unhelpful member of your government who you're supposed to be aligned with. Well, look, I honestly can't recall yelling at anyone when I was Prime Minister, but, you know, maybe I just can't, I can't honestly, I can't recall doing so, but I'm sure I have at different times. I don't recall ever yelling at Barnaby, but yeah, he's a, he's a, he's a pretty unique Barnaby, pretty unusual.
Because there's one part of the book that really, I was having a cup of tea at the time when I was reading it, it was about the conversation that you had with Kevin, you know, because yeah, because for the most part, this book is written in language, not in the way that you'd come across in that paragraph. Did Kevin Rudd honestly call you a rat piece of shit? Oh yeah, he did. He actually called me much worse.
Right. There are a few words, there are some words that I'm not prepared to put in print. Sure. Yep.
And in fact, Kevin, so it was quite, it was funny in this respect. So Kevin rings and he says, look, I've finally decided I want to nominate for the secretary general of the UN. And I say, okay, Kevin, that's fair enough. And he said, I'd like the government to nominate him. Well, as I've told you several times, I have to take that to cabinet, but I don't think, I don't believe the cabinet will support it.
And he said, why is that? And I said, well, because you're a nerd. It's my view that you, you know, you've got your interpersonal skills are a little low. And that's when he said, you effing little, you know, this stream of abuse, it was, it was actually, it was a bit scarifying at the time, but it was born. And Kevin to his credit, to his credit, said, has acknowledged that I sanitised that part of the book because what I've got in the book is only, is a pale reflection of the vulgarity he used.
But it was quite, it was funny in this sense that he got to the end, so I got the phone there and he's yelling at me and I said, look, Kevin, you know, you know, you've been PM, you know what it's like, big job, very busy, lots of meetings to go to. So I'm not hanging up, but I've got to move on. And I was, as I was putting the phone down, I could still hear all the cursing coming out of it.
Yeah, he was, I'm sorry. You know, it was a, it hurt him a lot and I'm sorry about that because he's, you know, there are there are worse people in public life than Kevin.
I mean, one thing we've found going down to parliament, you know, doing these interviews and meeting different people, we found like the media commentators don't surprise you. They're all exactly what you think they'd be.
They're usually kind of leathery old men who, you know, whose daughters are estranged from them. And they're just like generally unpleasant to be around the conservative ones, particularly the politicians though, are some of the weirdest people in the world, even though they kind of hide behind a haircut and a suit.
I mean, you had some freak shows even in your party. I mean, of course, labor's gone. Even in my party. Yeah.
How does it feel, you know, and is it tricky trying to, uh, to not come across as cocky when you've got big issues you're trying to deal with and then you've got people talking about, uh, you know, maybe the earth's flat or whatever, you know, you've gotten, uh, how does it feel to come from working for Goldman Sachs, working for Carrie Packer, working for these high functioning people and you've got billions of dollars at your fingertips that you need to manage. And then you've got someone like George Christensen who just, uh, votes no or just votes down or walks across the floor on something you put forward because of his opinions based on, you know, conspiracies he's read on the internet. Well, look, you've just got to work with everyone, right? I mean, it's, um, the Australian people elect the parliament. Uh, you've got to respect that. Uh, you've got to sort of, uh, just deal with what you've, the people that you have in your party room and indeed the people on the cross bench and the people on the other side. I mean, you know, some people would say, you know, how can you, how can you negotiate and do deals with Pauline Hanson? Well, look, I wouldn't vote for Pauline Hanson, but, uh, I don't agree with the, with One Nation or its views, but if they've got a number of seats in the Senate, I didn't vote for them, but they're there. You know, you've got to talk and negotiate with everyone. I mean, there are some, you know, gosh, there's some, some of the people leaving aside my own party, um, you know, like that rod rod color room to him, the Senator from Western Australia.
You got any steel rental? He was right out there. I would, I would sit down with him and talk to him for half an hour.
And at the end of it, I would have no idea what he was talking about. Zero. Like if you've said to me, Malcolm, your wife depends on writing a paragraph to summarize this discussion. I couldn't do it. I said, no, it was like, it was just no one, no one else did, you know?
And at the end, he'd say, that's a great meeting. Thanks very much. And the important thing is that's what you've got to do. You know, if you're trying to get legislation through the Senate and we had a great track record at doing that, you know, uh, despite having a, not having majority, you've got to be charming and attentive to everyone.
What's it like working with Bob Carter? Well, Bob, I did not have a lot to do with, to be honest, he is somebody also that you can talk to for 20 minutes or so and not be entirely sure what he was talking about. Bob was not, because we had a majority in the House of Representatives, we didn't need Bob to vote for us in a life or death way as we did in the Senate. And I, you know, I didn't, I didn't sort of wheel and deal with him a lot.
I had dealings with him at different times. I remember he, he agreed to support me on, after the 16 election on confidence and supply. And then, you know, within minutes of doing that, gave a press conference and said he, he reserved the right to change his mind at a moment's notice.
That was terrific. Yeah. We had, we've heard Bob Carter described as the only man in the world with the ability to interrupt himself. Yeah.
No, he's a, he's a character. I just want to reference one more part in the book about a telephone exchange you had with Scott Morrison. And in the days after you essentially handballed him the prime ministership. And at the bottom, he said that he, he loved you. Do you think that he meant that in a way that he, he loved you because you'd given something he'd always wanted or he loved you in a more fraternal Christian way? Was he talking about himself? I think it was, I think it was sort of in the, you know, love your mate type of category.
After it was obvious that, you know, my government was, had been blown up really by, you know, Dutton and Corman and that whole horrible last week, you know, I had to make sure that Dutton didn't become prime minister. Frankly, I, you know, I owed that to the, to the country and the liberal party, but primarily to Australia. And so I had to, I had to make sure that Morrison succeeded me rather than Dutton. So, so I, yes, Scott, I certainly made sure Scott got up rather than Dutton.
Scott's become a bit of an interesting figure in politics. He's, he's actually changed the way he speaks a lot. He used to sound a lot more like you and now he sounds a lot more like Ray Hadley.
Do you think you could have done a bit more in your political career to wear a few more rugby league scarfs? I mean, the man essentially grew up two kilometres from you, so he really was an Eastern Suburbs boy until about 18 months ago. He was absolutely, he grew up in Bronte, Bronte or Waverley. Anyway, that's, that's, that's, you know, just literally, you know, a couple of kilometres from where I live. Do you reckon you could have done a bit more eating in your, in your election campaigns?
Well, look, I don't know. Well, can I, can I say this to you?
I think that the, I think that one of the most important things in life and in politics in particular is to be authentic, you know, to be yourself. And a lot of politicians spend a lot of time trying to be something they're not. And as a result, they can often appear to be inauthentic or, and fake.
And, you know, this is, I, I actually think Shorten is a better person than he appears to be, but I found observing him and I've written quite a bit of a huge amount, I've written about a page about this in my book, because it's kind of interesting. I thought it was fascinating that Shorten appeared unable to say anything with conviction. You know, he was never convincing. And, and the easy, the flip answer that you'd get in the Liberal Party would be to say, oh, well, that's because he's a man of no convictions. Well, that's not true. I mean, you know, Bill would have many convictions, you know, he'd be sincere when he talks about the NDIS. He was no doubt sincere when he was defending his, you know, arguing for, you know, his members. But I think what he was doing is he was striving so hard to project some sort of image, or maybe he was striving so hard to avoid making a mistake that he didn't actually any longer have an authentic voice of his own.
So, you know, you've really just got to be yourself. Now, I, you know, I don't know whether people are always looking to find examples of me being an out of touch, rich bastard, right? That was always the, and, and when I, when I didn't provide those examples, they would make them up. But, you know, I've, as I describe in my book, you know, I grew up in a, in a very egalitarian environment. And, you know, I'm, there are very few environments, very few environments or milieus or whatever, that I feel uncomfortable. You know, I can get on with pretty much anyone.
Yeah, for the listeners who kind of can't really see that, that stark contrast in on camera and off camera, Bill Shorten, an example of we have is we were down there on the lawn apartment house during the first lib spill for Abbott, the one he survived. And we saw Shorten running around and we saw him just navigating his stuff. He was actually acting like a big union heavy. And so he yells across the lawn to Clive Parring. Whistles, Oi, fucking call me. And then all this kind of stuff. We saw him in action and then we get to interview him about a year later. And we thought we'd kind of get a bit of that out of him. And we were asking, it was actually during the cricketers that they had a pay dispute in the Australian cricket side. And I, and we asked him if, if he thought maybe we should start kneecapping a few cricketers, hoping that he would laugh. And his response was now that's very emotive language you're using there.
And it doesn't. And then, you know, we, we have the interview. Well, that's what I mean. But you see that, that's what I mean. So what he's doing is he is, he's so self-consciously trying to avoid making a mistake that it sounds funny. And it was a boring interview. And then we finished the interview and then he has a glass of scotch and says the F word about 34 times in one sentence. And yeah, it was just kind of, maybe he could have gone that Hawk Avenue, been a bit more true to himself. Well, that's right. I mean, I, anyway, it's kind of interesting.
I mean, Bill sometimes would give a speech. He'd generally give speeches. Like I was the prime minister, so I'd speak first, then he'd speak, right? And sometimes he had really beautiful speeches that someone had written for him, really beautiful speeches. And he'd murder them. And, you know, there were so many times when I wanted to just say, look, Bill, give me the speech. Just let me have that speech.
Oh, geez, don't let the Sky News hear this. No, I could imagine, I could imagine, I was just doing him a favor. I could imagine some, his speech writer in the office, you know, banging his or her head, you know, on the keyboard, you know, saying, my beautiful words are being mangled. But, you know, there it is.
In law school, though, or like more sort of permanently, the bar exam, is there a unit where you have to learn how to talk while you're holding your glasses? I mean, that's always been like, it's yeah, no, it's that that's that's I don't know whether that's a barrister thing or not. I mean, because when I was a barrister, I didn't wear glasses, actually. My eyesight deteriorated as I got older.
Yeah, and I'm not sure. I don't think so.
I think that was a that was an idiosyncrasy of mine. Did you ever find yourself at points in your career where you are cleaning up after others? I mean, I remember thinking, seeing that image of Barnaby winning back his electorate after the citizenship, you know, after he was sacked by the high court and you won it back and you were out there just clapping quietly to the side of him, really, basically doing a harker on stage. Like, how often would that happen where you go? I mean, I don't know if this is how you were feeling at that time, but it felt like you could have been saying something like, geez, you know, what am I doing here in Tamworth tonight?
Like, you know, we had a good thing going on with this guy's deputy. And then and not to mention the fact that he's also got another secret that was, you know, well and truly something he knew about at that point that was going to result in the same thing all over again.
Well, no, I was, look, I was Barnaby, well, you know, look, I was quite relaxed being in Tamworth and quite relaxed being, I'm comfortable anywhere. So there's, as I said, there are very few places where I feel awkward or out of place. I mean, other people might think I'm out of place, but I'm very easy going.
I was talking more about the use of your time. Did you find yourself... Oh, no, no. Well, no, but hang on.
That's, you know, there's a lot of that in politics. I mean, you've got to turn up, right? I mean, that sort of presence being there is important. That's why politicians are away so much, away from home. I mean, I was just talking about this with Lucy last night and we reckon that when I was Prime Minister, I was at home in Sydney, maybe a quarter of the time. Yeah.
This is a big country, right? And even if you've got your own plane, as the PM does, you've got to get out there. And you know, it's funny how many places I've been to as PM where I was the first Prime Minister to go to. Tennant Creek has one. I don't think the Prime Minister had visited there, or maybe not for a very, very long time. But there's a ton of them. This is a very, very big country, as you know. If you're going to lead it, you've got to be prepared to get up there and see people in every corner of the country.
As someone who had a plane in that role, how hard do you reckon it would have been to get back to Australia from Hawaii in 24 hours? It's so easy. As Donald Trump would say, it would have been so simple. There are so many beautiful airlines. The easiest thing ever to get back.
Of course there are. How many flights a day are there from Hawaii? There's a ton of them.
Do you think he... I'm not having a go at Scotland. I mean, fair dinkum. I mean, we all know it is.
Hawaii, it's not exactly some remote Patagonian island off the coast of Tierra del Fuego. I mean, it's, you know, it's one of the biggest tourism destinations in the world. There's two flights there and two flights back every day.
Well, there'd be that. Yeah. I mean, Hawaiian and Qantas. Yeah, sure. Yeah.
Not to mention your own plane. Not to mention the plane that's right.
Just on the top of the National Party, how are the belted gullaways going, Malcolm? Well, I don't have any belted gullaways. I think they're lovely cattle. I thought you did have them. Well, do you still own more cattle than the National Party? No, no. I don't have any belted gullaways. No, we have in terms of our cattle in the Hunter, mostly Herefords with black Angus. So, we've got basically a mixture of black Baldies and Herefords. Do you think that was a sore point for the National Party MPs that you owned more cattle than all of them combined?
Well, I don't know whether it was a sore point. I mean, sometimes some of the gnats used to tell me it was a strong suit, but what I thought was funny was, so the one time when we were out doing some visits in the bush during when the drought was really bad, and I'm wearing a hat. I'm wearing a Coober hat like yours. Probably as clean as mine. And there were these people, you know, my admirers in the Murdoch Press columnists were saying, you know, Malcolm Turnbull pretending to be a Bushy, pretending that. How much country do you have to have and for how long do you have to have it before you can wear the hat you've been wearing for, you know, years and years and years? There was a lot of irrationality in that sort of commentary, but it was interesting.
I mean, the droughts, my rural connection is that my dad bought a, who was a country guy, you know, grew up in the Hunter and was a very, very good horseman. Really good camcrafter and, you know, quite adventurous. He loved breaking in young horses and, you know, a lot of stories about him through some horses.
But anyway, he bought this place in the Hunter near Scone in 1981 and he was killed a year later. And I kept the property and we bought some adjoining blocks and then we bought another place up near Murundi.
And so finally we had, you know, a commercial operation. You know, we were, I don't know, branding sort of 500 calves a year, you know, more or less. And, you know, selling 1,000 fat lambs. So, you know, so it was a commercial operation and we went through all the droughts everyone else did, you know, in those intervening years. And, you know, the first one, just at the time dad was killed, I sold most of our stock and it cost a fortune to restock. And so I learned that lesson. And so we hung on in all the other droughts. It was really only in this last drought that I de-stocked. And, you know, we are carrying, we've got about half of our, what we would call our normal stock numbers. You know, so that's getting, building that back up again is going to be a challenge.
But we used to have cattle on the road. And in fact, David Littleproud, we had quite, we had a mob of cattle with a driver up in, on the travelling stock routes up in David Littleproud's electorate where you are up, well, not at Petuta. I don't think there's a lot of, would have been a lot of grass there then, but there was just close to the border. There was some country, and Littleproud used to tell me that he'd get calls from his constituents and saying, hey, your boss's cattle are, you know, wandering along, presumably pushing their way through their fences and eating their grass, I guess, as well.
Yeah. He makes a good fruitcake, Littleproud. That's his reputation. Okay.
He's a smart guy. He's a smart guy, smart young guy.
He'll go a long way. Do you reckon leader of the Nats? He's gone a long way already. He'll go further, I think, in due course.
I'll just get our listeners to get their checkbooks out now. We're going to get some good oil from you regarding the seat for Eden Monaro.
Obviously, poor old Mike Kelly said to stand down for health reasons.
Who do you reckon, not who do you want, who do you reckon is taking this seat at a by-election? Nats, Libs, Labour? Well, you know, as we always say, you know, governments very rarely win, but that's only once in 100 years of governments won a seat from the opposition in the by-election. But I think this is a seat that could very likely go to the government. You've got, it depends on, but it's going to depend a lot on the candidates.
Yeah. So, I think it will be, you know, it's an interesting electorate in Monaro. Yeah. Because it's, you know, most of it's Queanbeyan, which is basically a suburb of Canberra. Yeah. And then you've got all of that country, you know, right down to the south. You've got the Snowy Mountains, you know, you've got Cooma and Bega and It's all bushfire ravished anyway. Like it's, it's, yeah, cool.
So it's basically, That was, Tumut was the scene of one of my more wicked attempts to try to get the press gallery to lighten up. So I was down there opening an extension of a, you know, a cardboard box factory that Anthony Pratt owns and Busy owns. And the citizenship crisis was just red hot. And I started off the press conference.
I said, look, I've got an important announcement to make about my father. And they all went, oh my God, Markham's father's a foreign citizen or something. And I said, I have to disclose, I said, my father was a citizen of Tumut.
Oh, right. Before I was born here. Oh, they were ready to get Twitter with that one. Yeah, yeah. So they were very, they were licking their lips and they realised I was having a lend of them. Do you reckon? Anyways, people talk to you guys. No, we'll wrap up now. Yeah. A lot more included in this book about the life and times of the 29th. Just last question.
How did you decide when to write this? You know, I imagine if you'd written this a year ago, it might've come out a bit too bitter, but you still wanted to write it while all those feelings were there. How did you designate? Well, I mean, look, I didn't really even start writing it until the beginning of last year, beginning of 19.
And I had finished it pretty much by the end of last year and really finished it in January. They put the last finishing touches on it in January.
Well, look, you know, I mean, I think sooner is better. I don't think it's, I mean, I don't hope, I hope, I mean, the press, some people in the press want to present it as being an angry book or a bitter book.
I think it's actually a funny book in many places. There's certainly some sections that I thought were very amusing at the time. You know, I've always tried to enjoy myself and where situations are entertaining to relish it.
So look, I think it's, you know, what do you do? You wait five years. I mean, who's to say I'll be around in five years time? You know, so I think it's worth getting on while the recollections are fresh.
And there it is. Well, we hope you're self-isolating. Yeah. You've got a fence line around that property there. I do. Yes, yes. We're self-isolating here in the Harbourside mansion. Yep, that's right. I think it's from today you'd be able to tandem kayak with a stranger. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I've been doing quite a lot of kayaking actually. It's a bit windy today, but I've been doing quite a lot of kayaking. I love kayaking.
It's the best. I'm not sure how good it is as exercise. I assume it's okay, but gosh, it's great.
It's cosmic, you know, it's so beautiful getting out on the harbour, particularly when it's still. And the great thing about a kayak is that you can go over the ferry in very shallow water.
So you can skim over all the rock pools and all that stuff. Look at all the fish and the crabs and stuff.
Well, stay safe and please tell your son. I will, same to you. Tell Alex to come on here as well, because we reckon we'll get a bit more juice out of him. He nearly came on when it was very raw and he pulled the pin at the last second. Well, you were in touch with him last year. Yeah. Get him on, he's a very colourful character. Okay. He's got that ebullience from his mother's side. Right.
Well, thanks for joining us. Thank you. Mr Turnbull, we'll see you at the top. Thanks a lot.
Take care. Bye. ...in January. Well, look, you know, I mean, I think sooner is better.
I don't think it's, I mean, I don't hope, I hope, I mean, the press, some people in the press want to present it as being an angry book or a bitter book. I think it's actually a funny book in many places. There's certainly some sections that I thought were very amusing at the time. You know, I've always tried to enjoy myself and where situations are entertaining to, you know, relish it.
So look, I think it's, you know, what do you do? You wait five years. I mean, who's to say I'll be around in five years time? So I think it's worth getting on while the recollections are fresh.
And there it is. Well, we hope you're self-isolating. Yeah. You've got a fence line around that property there. I do. Yes, yes. We're self-isolating here in the Harbourside mansion. Yeah, that's right. I think it's from today you'd be able to tandem kayak with a stranger. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I've been doing quite a lot of kayaking actually. It's a bit windy today, but I've been doing quite a lot of kayaking. I love kayaking.
It's the best. I'm not sure how good it is as exercise. I assume it's okay, but gosh, it's great. It's cosmic.
You know, it's so beautiful getting out on the harbour, particularly when it's still. And the great thing about a kayak is that you can go over the very, in very shallow water, so you can skim over all the rock pools and all that stuff. Look at all the fish and the crabs and stuff.
Well, stay safe and please tell your son. I will. Same to you. Tell Alex to come on here as well, because we reckon we'll get a bit more juice out of him. He nearly came on when it was very raw and he pulled the pin at the last second. You were in touch with him, I assume. Yeah. Get him on, he's a very colourful character. Yeah, he's got that ebullience from his mother's side.
Well, thanks for joining us. Thank you. Mr Turnbull, we'll see you another time. Thanks a lot. Take care. Bye. |
dropout | chuggin_on_clouds_music_video | Im the king of the cloud, vaping my way through the crowd My pins and box bounce in my pods, they are all part of my squad I keep my favorite flavors handy, the mango and mint are like candy, Creme and fruit also taste great, my lungs are like two dessert plates, I like these sweet liquids they tasty, they make me feel like a baby, Now that I hear that out loud, maybe I shouldn't be proud, Rippin' that vape has me wildin', but why do these all look so childish? Ay yo, cotton candy? Keep goin', keep goin'. Dummy bear, I'm 23 brat! Everybody loves candy. I don't know how I feel about this bro. Mango mint? That sounds delicious.
Let's roll, let's roll. Keep rollin'. You're the king, king of the clouds. Yeah, no way to escape it, I guess I'll keep vaping, And when I do trick style, still video tape, okay, Chuggin' all clouds all day, just chuggin' all clouds all day, yeah, Smokin' my life away, somethin' hits like foul play, yeah, yeah, My pen's mightier than a sword, I light it up when I get bored, Always thinkin' about my next hit, my efforts to stop don't affect it, All of my haters they envy me, say I'm suckin' on the USB, But there's no stoppin', my vape is free, I got this on lock but it's hard to breathe.
Hold on, this one out. What now? The 2%. Hey Brad, you gotta charge it bro, real quick, just boop boop, real quick, just charge him up. I don't have that adapter. She ain't got one?
That's her. What does it look like? It looks like a plug, it goes into a socket.
Maybe the haters are right, look at these bright colored lights, It kinda looks like a toy thing, and vaping all day gets annoying, These pods are insane, yeah, am I too cliche, yeah, I thought I was Gucci, now this all feels lame, yeah, Chuggin' on clouds all day, just chuggin' on clouds all day, wait, What games are they tryin' to play, can't see the pull away, Can't pull away, DZ6 tryna be slick, But I think they are makin' me sick, Since vape has come on to the scene, I been a human fog machine, but I never thought to ask, Why's my heart beatin' so fast? This is all frankly concerning, and now I've been doin' some learnin', Pullin' fat rips from your heaters, Makes my immune system weaker, And addiction to nicotine, changes your brain chemistry, Can't damage blood vessels, contains toxic metals, And has some other nasty chemicals, Chuggin' on clouds, no way done, chuggin' on clouds all day, Y'all relax! It's time to walk away, done chuggin' on clouds all day, yeah, Chuggin' on clouds, no way done, chuggin' on clouds all day, Yo they paid you to do this! It's time to walk away, done chuggin' on clouds all day, yeah, Done with this man. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_purge_but_this_time_everything_s_illegal | Oh, this sucks. Can you turn it off? Yeah, it's terrible. What's happening? This is not a test. This is your emergency broadcast system.
For the next 12 hours, any and all crime, including murder, is now still illegal. But also, everything that's not a crime is now illegal.
Let's call this event something original. Like, I don't know. The Flerge?
Yeah.
So, just to reiterate, everything is illegal now. It's all crime. Okay, bye.
Oh my God. What are we going to do? Are you serious? This is so dumb. Who cares? I'm going to get some more ice. Ice? Yeah. Why? Do you want some? Wait, what are you doing? Hello?
There's a man in my house. Uh-huh. Ice. It's what you called us. I was getting ice. It was me.
There he is, officers. There's the criminal. You're under arrest.
What? Why?
For calling the cops. You're going to crime jail. You can't do this. I know my rights. You're not allowed to know those. Don't move.
You're next. Looks like the president will be serving next term in prison.
This just in. Journalism is now illegal. In other news.
So, let me get this straight. I was going the speed limit? Yep. Whoa, is this because I'm black? Oh yeah, that too. Frank, are you giving that guy a ticket? I sure am.
That's against the law. Get off me, pig. You're going away for a long crime. Damn it. Don't you know it's illegal? Punish, baby. Everything's illegal.
I thought everything was cool, man. Wrong movie. Get back here.
It's okay, baby. It's okay. We wouldn't even have the fire. It's okay. This is a single baby.
We just got to make it to warning. Move, move, move. FBI, drop the weapon. My pottery collection. Oh, morning time. Looks like you're free to go.
Hey! What? It's legal. Oh, I know. I'm just a hateful person. What? Why? For calling a cop. Oh, fuck.
Oh, scones aren't illegal. Everything's illegal? Even scones?
It's okay. It's okay, little baby. It's okay, baby. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Note_To_Former_PMs_Scotty_Gets_Caught_Out_Pauline_Hanson_s_Rebrand_More_November_12 | You're joined by myself Clancy Overholt, we've got Errol Parker in the booth and we've got Wendell Hussey. The weather is getting warmer, we hope you are enjoying yourselves wherever you are right now, whether you're listening on the wireless, listening on Spotify, in the tractor, in the ute, in the boat, in the living room, out in the lawn, in a mobile phone smuggled into prison. Yep, could be doing one of those jobs, your celly came in with a celly up him. Anywhere we hope you're enjoying yourselves and we love having you. We love having you.
So what have we got on in the news today? Well Clancy, the political mudslinging has continued for another week and we're going to start off with a story about that. Former Prime Ministers have been urged to shut up unless they're providing character references for Cardinal Pell. Yeah, the Murdoch media has fired up, hitting out at the likes of Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull for criticising Scotty from marketing's recent behaviour. The pair have been quite vocal in criticising our current Prime Minister's leadership and it's left some people feeling quite annoyed. Yes, the likes of Paul Murray and Cohen not so impressed at all, they've attacked the public contributions of the former Prime Ministers and revealed that they should only speak up if they are giving character reference for a man who was on trial for historical child sex offences.
Then it's okay to return to the limelight, but only briefly. Or if you're pushing a particular Murdoch agenda I think it's okay to pipe up then. Or if you're in Taiwan telling them that we should go to war with China, yeah that's all good.
Now that takes us to our next story which is on the Prime Minister himself. Scott Morrison is under fire for telling the media that he had a pie for lunch, even though they all saw him eat a family sized quiche. Yes, Scotty has finished the week with another bang, claiming that he never told a lie while in public office, which is an interesting claim given his behaviour and comments on electric vehicles ruining the weekend, his lack of efforts to source vaccines during a pandemic, the French submarine deal, his secret trips to the UK and Hawaii during national crises and so on and so on. Obviously there's plenty to be said about his lies on those matters, but it's his lunch choice that's captured our attention today. He decided to tell the media that he had a pie, like a true Aussie patriot for lunch today, despite everybody watching him eat a hubcat sized quiche all to himself. Yeah it was a real whopper as one of the journalists at the press conference actually said, Scott you didn't even pause, the thing must have been 2 or 3 kilos and you ate it in like 7 minutes, it was a quiche, I know a quiche when I see one, you even smiled to yourself when you happened upon a rich streaky vein of bacon buried deep underneath the surface. Sounds like a pretty legitimate comment there from the journalist.
And moving on to another interesting political figure, after 2 years of zero immigration Pauline Hanson has come out to say, I guess I'll just become an anti-vaxxer then? It has been lean pickings for the fiery senator from the Ipswich region and it's caused her to consider pivoting. Yeah bit of a rebrand, with the election only a little way off, Pauline needs to desperately figure out how to exploit the anxieties of everyday Australians to get votes and to keep the money rolling in, so she's thinking about becoming a medical freedom fighter and taking it to the fascist big pharma regime. As she explained to us, when you think about it, the jab is very similar to Islam, I mean it scares rednecks quite easily and I don't know much about it. You know that the vaccines too, they are halal certified. Well that would make her wild.
Now here in town a local chibi has won praise for winding down his window on the 2020 Hilux he drives to tell his stressed out cousin that her ATAR doesn't mean shit. Yeah it's a nice touch from Batuta Heights local Tom McCarney, the second year qualified carpenter who drives a $70,000 Hilux Rogue and is paying off a mortgage a couple streets away from his family home in town, has offered up some choice advice to a young relative. He told her to just chill out and take it as it comes. Which, as a guy earning more than all of his university educated mates, is fair enough to say.
Depends on what you want I guess, but as Tom told his cousin who just bummed her English paper one, the tertiary education system has been commercialised to the point where it doesn't matter anymore and everything will just work out fine, unless she wants to be a doctor or a fucking dentist or something you know. Then yeah she's probably fucked then. Or a liar. Sorry, lawyer. Oooooooh.
Sports news to finish the week and an elite athlete has shown off his speed during a social mixed touch game by torching a first timer on the wing. Yes, local office worker Ruchi Carter wowed the crowd at Sergio Oval this week after burning an opponent with his scintillating speed. The man who comes wearing a baseball cap while playing touch footy scored a sensational try after identifying a girl on the wing and smoking her with his pace.
Which, if you haven't played touch footy before and you're a communist, it's a massive faux pas. If it's one on one with you and a member of the opposite sex, just take the tap and move on. And if they buy the dummy, that's fine, you can go through, but using the speed very frowned upon in the social mixed touch scene. Women are smarter than us so they should be able to read a dummy. Absolutely. Bart Ritchie doesn't have time for that, the reserve grade fly half who claims to have played rep footy as a 16 year old told us using my simple genetic speed advantage isn't dog, it's part of the game, I'd rather be a shit bloke than a loser. If you've got a gif like that, like my pace, just use it. Well maybe if they were playing full contact he could get spear tackled into the cricket pitch and start talking like he's deaf. It's quite a small bloke, I think that's why he really relishes the touch football rather than the contact stuff. Bit of a local Michael Jordan I guess, just can't turn it off.
Anyway that's all we've got for you for our weekly news wrap, hope you've enjoyed it and we'll talk to you again same time next week. Bye bye. Hooroop. Slum it my arm. |
dropout | mma_all_nut_shot_edition | My name is Jay Zika Volcante. I'm a mixed martial artist. When I was fighting the cage, all I could think was how much I want to cut this shit and kick my opponent to the right of these stupid balls. That's how I joined the ABB.
The All-Balls Drawers. In other leagues, you so much as graze a guy's balls. The ref is all over you. But in our league, the double hexagon, the only legal hit is a hit to the balls.
In the ABB, I feel free. I get to experiment with all kinds of cutting-edge techniques. I can push my testicles to their limits. This Sunday, we got Jay Zika Volcante versus Kenny Campo for it, and these guys just want to conquer each other's cajones. I'm at the gym every day, eight hours a day. That's why my balls are healthier and less swollen than ever. I am physically and mentally prepared for anything he can throw at my balls.
This one's a historic event. A David versus Goliath's nuts. It's Kenny's first fight back since being disqualified for an illegal hit. That guy fights dirty.
Me? I got integrity. Let me make one thing clear. I am a sportsman.
Yeah, I'm gonna smack his nuts. Is that what he said? I'm gonna smack his nuts. I'm gonna do the nuts smacking around here. I'm gonna smack them nuts up. You know who's doing the nuts smacking?
This guy. These guys have such different styles. Jay-Z's more of a ground and pound guy, whereas Kenny's more of a submission specialist.
I'm gonna hit the ham and the balls. Over and over again? As hard as I can. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cathy_on_retiring_snl | It was announced that after 34 years in print, the comic strip Kathy would end its run here. Now to address the sadness is the star of that comic in the apple of my eye. Kathy. So Kathy Kathy Lovely, Beautiful Kathy.
34 years. what a great run! Yeah, Seth. the only runs I know about are the ones in my pantyhose. my thighs want out.
Oh Kathy, so tell me Kathy. what are you gonna do with all your your new free time? Well, I'm finally gonna live it up. First item, Go to a nude beach.
Wow, so you're daring enough to skinny dip. Oh, I don't skinny dip Seth. I fatty float. One time I fell asleep on the sand and when I woke up I was in the tank at Seaworld. Embarrassment splotches.
Oh, I am going to miss your wit. Oh tiny hearts, tiny hearts, tiny hearts Now Kathy. On a serious note, a lot of women are really gonna miss you. Do you have any last word of advice for all your fans?
I do. Ladies age is just a number and mine's plus sized brownies. No one does it like you Kathy. And in honor of your last week we at weekend Update of prepared a little going away tribute to all our great Kathy memories. let's take a look. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. You know Seth. Now that I'm leaving, maybe you and I could finally. Oh, I don't think so Kathy. are you sure? once you go back, you never go back. I'll consider it. Sweat drops, Hot Flash: Irving Monday's retiring superstar Kathy. You. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | reg_slim_flynn_a_real_life_gran_torino_4bc_talkback_betoota_advocate | In the Batutah Advocate this morning, I read this amazing story about a guy called Reg Slim Flynn who lives in Taree and to do the story justice, I've got the editor of the Batutah Advocate on the line, G'day Clancy. Tell us the story. Well, the story goes, there's been a couple of blokes running around Taree as our reporter Alexis Corbett kind of explained, she's based in mid-north New South Wales and there's this old bloke around there called Reg Flynn, Slim Flynn and his next tentboxer, he's one of the real community icons, he's a real local character.
But there were a few break-ins in the area and there was a couple of blokes and they were drug users, they were the nasties in the town breaking in and stealing things. They ended up in Reg's house one night. Reg was up late watching television, he's a stranger, he lives alone, 78 years old. Three of them have come into his house and that's where the story kind of gets a bit interesting because it's conflicting kind of accounts of what happened.
Which will become clear. Yeah.
The neighbours described muffled voices and footsteps and then they heard a door slam. This is just pretty central to the main street there but what seems to have happened is these three young blokes in their late teens and early 20s have ended up unconscious on Reg's front lawn. All three of them, 10 metres from the steps. So Reg is claiming that these kids have gotten a fright coming up the stairs because he's met them at the top and they've both fallen down and knocked themselves out. All three of them. And landed 10 metres away.
As you know, a former tent boxer and neighbours know what Reg is like. It sounds like Reg might have had a part in them ending up in that state. Zero. Witnesses claim it looked like the bodies had been dragged down to the front steps. We've since heard that they're actually okay but police are trying to piece together what's happened. Reg has got his hands bruised up and is claiming that that's from the gutters on the roof. He reckons he's done that a couple of weeks ago. You know, part of us would think, and this is how we tried to portray in the story, we kind of wanted to do Reg's justice and we didn't want to incriminate him. But it sounds like he's locked the front door and the back door and really had a bit of a go.
And they were unable to escape. So I think they picked the wrong house to break into there, Claire.
Well that's what I'm thinking. You know, I hope the law doesn't end up on the wrong side of the good guy in this story as it so often does. And I'm glad they're okay. But don't you think that's a lesson for these young guys, like maybe we should think the way we earn our cash?
Yeah, I mean, 78 years old, he looked like an easy target. But the neighbours described, and you'll have to excuse the language, it sounded like World War F-ing 3 when Reg got stuck into him. What sort of a guy is he though, Clancy? He's 78 years old and he is a prized fighter. But still, one guy up against bulletproof teenagers, that would have been an amazing feat.
Well yeah, they reckon he still kind of works every now and then down at the local hotel as a security guard. I don't think he's slowing down too quickly, old Reg. Slim Flynn, they call him, he's still involved in the rugby league community there, training the juniors.
His wife has come out and said that she believes Reg had a part in the incident. And it sounds like, because police didn't get there for an hour and a half, it sounds like he's really laid into them for the best part of two hours until he got them out the front. I know violence is never the answer, but it just feels like it could have been on that occasion, doesn't it Clancy? And that's what a lot of the people are saying, you know, going right around. We had an email from one bloke all the way down to Victoria saying that if we hear from Reg and if he ends up in trouble, he'd be happy to pay his legal fees. Oh, isn't that beautiful Clancy? A lot of people are getting behind Reg. It seems like that's where we should be, doesn't it Clancy?
And the Batuda Advocate have a great photo of his knuckles that the police snapped when he was down there. And it definitely doesn't look like they were done guttering. No, no, I don't know how you'd get teeth marks in your knuckles while you were guttering.
It's a great story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Give our regards to Reg and the whole community. There's probably a few people who've had their stuff stolen that might be able to get it back now. I think Reg is the winner at the end of the day. I hope they're okay, but we all hope that they learned that lesson and boy, what a tutor. Yeah, I know, definitely.
And you've got to watch out for those slippery steps, don't you? All three of them fell down.
Those 18-year-olds are just not sure-footed like they used to be, are they? Not at all.
Clancy, thank you so much for sharing your story. If you want to have a look at the article, it's a beauty. It's in the Batuda Advocate. That's B-E-T-O-O-T-A. Thanks so much, Clancy. Thanks, Claire.
I don't know why that story ... I really like it. It makes me feel good, but I could be completely and often am in the wrong here. Is he a hero or did he go too far? We all know that violence is never the answer, but I want to know what you think about that story. 13, 13, 32. Could there be more of it?
Is this what you should expect? If you're 18 and high and you go to steal someone's things from their house, scare the bejeepers out of them, is this what you should expect?
And maybe these guys won't rob anyone else around the Taree area now. The courts are often not satisfying us in dealing with these people.
What do you think, Bruce? Oh, mate. I reckon a bit of contact counselling never went astray in my day. That's good. That's good for contact counselling. Yeah. Yes.
Sounds like they picked the wrong bloke to mess with, eh? But what will happen? You know, he probably will end up in trouble for this, which is just so sad, isn't it? I don't think you should be in trouble at all.
Well, he didn't do anything. He just opened the door and they fell down the steps. I mean, yeah, it's a damn shame, isn't it? I mean, you know, they didn't ask him to come to the house.
They just rocked up and, yeah, had a bit of an accident, so sadly bad. Yeah, those slippery front steps. And he did hurt his knuckles, but apparently that was doing a bit of guttering the week before.
See how that happens. I'm so with you, Bruce. I just feel that's a great story. Yeah. It's awesome. Made my day here and that. Beautiful. Thanks for calling, Bruce. No worries. Have a good afternoon, eh? Yeah. Nice to hear from you. How about you, Mick? Yeah. That's a classic. Well, I'd say she'll be more of it.
Well, I'd say I caught a couple of young blokes spray painting my truck one night. I'd come out about three o'clock in the morning and I was spray painting a big tag up the side of a white furniture truck. And it was supposed to be my truck, it was the boss's truck. And I took it home for the night and, yeah, I had to spray it to the boss while I sang. And, um, it was a sort of funny truck for about four hours.
Oh, Mick, your phone line's dropping out. We're missing the guts of this. Please ring back. I want to hear the rest of that story, Mick. Look at this SMS from Sylvia.
She says, I am nominating Reg Slim Flynn for your Everyday Hero Award. If he doesn't win, it is rigged. Gee, it's such a great story. G'day, Don. What did you think about Reg Slim Flynn? Hello, the lovely Claire. Isn't that a great story? And I'll tell you something else that was up to me. I'd give the old boy a medal as big as a frying pan.
Don't worry about that. I don't think you'll be paying for fast food in Taree any time soon. Not a chance.
The thing that struck me was think how as a community we're outraged when one of the elderly citizens appears on the paper or the news because they've been jumped by one of these thugs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, apparently last week they were still in hospital. I believe they're okay.
We're talking about Reg. Don, I'm with you. Sylvia's with you too.
She wants an award. You want a medal. We might be able to line him up with something. The inaugural 4BC Good Sport Award.
Bare knuckles too.
Thank you, Don. You're welcome, Claire. Thank you so much.
And on the phone we've got Pete. Pete, I think you want to talk about Reg Slim Flynn from Taree, don't you?
Hello, Claire. How are you? I'm well.
Yes, I'm willing to clarify that I do know the man. Oh, you know the guy in Taree who beat up the baddies? Yes, well, he used to be part of the embroideries, not so much anymore, but he was down there when I was there and I knew him and I know his history of boxing and I don't doubt it for a second.
Yeah, that's what everyone seems to be saying. 78. He's still got whatever it takes, doesn't he? Oh, Bodges.
I was there about three years ago and he was still working as a bouncer at the pub. Well, apparently he still does that now on occasions.
Oh, sounds like Reg. He's a wild old man and Taree, you know, it's just getting worse and worse with the youngsters with the drugs. Yeah, we're hearing that he's outside of loving a stink, he's a thorough gentleman, Peter. Would that be what you know of Reg? Oh, yes, he's definitely a gentleman but, boy, you wouldn't want to get him upset.
I mean, from memory he held six divisions in about, six titles and six divisions. Really? Six divisions? Six divisions. He was heavy-weight, he'd bounce around, he was from the tent boxing group and I've seen him make a mess of a few people in the pub down there, I believe that.
I do. Thank you so much, Peter, nice to hear from you. Thank you, Claire. |
dropout | your_healthy_friend_who_still_does_drugs | Yeah, it's all American. I'm glad that we all went to three different places. Hey, guys!
Hey, wow, that looks healthy. Yeah, it's kale, quinoa, and black beans. It's full of calcium, protein, and fiber for bone tissue and digestive health. That sounds great, but you should have some of these for dessert.
Ew. Honestly, I wouldn't put anything that you guys are eating into my body. I like to make my lunches include only plant-based foods that are rich in amino acids that boost my immune system. Well, your immune system is sort of a company.
Are you making a cocktail right now? Yeah. If I crave something that tastes sweet, I have fruit. Hold on, you're bragging about being healthy while you're making two alcoholic drinks? Yeah, it has blueberries in it that I handpicked at my local community garden that I volunteered on the weekends.
Vodka is bad for your liver and has a lot of calories in it. Blueberries are super food. They're full of antioxidants. They keep my bones healthy, and they protect me from free radicals. I drink a ton of water. It is so essential for skin and kidney health. Water is healthy, not water with 15 Xanaxes in it.
Yum. Here, I want to see that. Yep, just process sugar. If you want to do something healthy, come to the yoga class I'm teaching at 6 a.m. tomorrow, okay?
This is ridiculous. You can't be so self-righteous about food when you're sucking fucking nitrous out of a goddamn whipped cream tank. Sorry I'm out of square like you guys.
There is nothing better than treating your mind, body, and soul to some physical exercise and meditation. Well, I think all the drugs you're taking outweigh all of that. Zach, these are just fun, and they expand my mind, which is so important for mental health.
By the way, Zach, that burger you're eating can lead to colon cancer. No, you're judging what we eat while you're about to do a huge mountain of cocaine. I mean, it's so hypocrite.
Is that my credit card? Here.
Trust me, I'm a total health junkie. How can you preach about health when you're about to load your veins with heroin?
It's not a big deal, Zach. That is good tar.
This is why obesity is such a problem. People just don't care enough about their bodies.
I'm gonna go for a jog.
I can't with her anymore. It is too much preaching. So high and mighty.
Katie.
Welcome to the writer meeting. Let's hear some sketch pages.
I think she's dead! Oh, what a hypocrite. She's made a name in a private message to me. |
dropout | The_Opening_Song_From_Welcome_to_Mountport_Game_Changer | Players, have you ever had that dream where you've been on stage and you haven't known your lines?
Yes. Yeah. Scott.
Lights up on a small New England town. It's spring, but winter has left a hint of dew upon the air. A local newsy shouts today's headlines. Extra, extra, read all about it.
The fish are gone. Where'd they go?
I don't know, but it's not my job because I don't write the paper. I just distribute it. That is so funny. Give it what I have next.
A fisherman hawks their catch of the day. I got a whole batch of nothing because they're all gone. Just water out there.
Two old women gossip on a nearby porch.
Did you hear about the fish? Did you hear about Gladys? Sorry, your thing sounds bigger than- No, I heard that Gladys stole the fish.
Oh right, okay, so it was the same thing. Gladys went out on a schooner and caught all the fish. I heard it was tuner. She caught on the schooner.
Welcome to the mountain slash seaside town of Mountport. How is that geologically possible, you ask? I, uh, theater, I suppose. And like so many musicals, ours begins with a group number to introduce you, the audience, to town in a scene that will eventually turn into a song from the official cast recording. I give you, Welcome to Mountport.
Good morning! Hello! Hello there! Hello! Oh, hey, up there! Hey, Timothy!
Yeah? You're not allowed on the street anymore, and you know why! Why? On account of the crimes! Okay, I guess I'll go back indoors!
Oh, it's another foggy day where the ocean marine layer gets stuck in our mountain range. That's right. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh, the mountain's over there, next to the sea.
How can that be? Well, the mountain stretched from the sky right down to the sea. How can that be? Like, physically! How can that be?
But when you live in Mountain Port, you don't ask many questions. Like to say, this is impossible. Throw out that suggestion! Yes, the literal name is Mountain Port, and that's what we're about. But because we're very busy, very, very busy, we shorten it to Mount Port. The mountain is right next to the sea.
How can that be? How can?
Don't ask me! You can ask me!
Get back inside! Okay! Holy shit! We get a lot of points in. Put the points in there. Holy shit! You're on the mark! Give me those points!
What you do is a magic trick. I'm gonna cut this part because it doesn't make me look cool. |
dropout | either_the_cat_goes_or_i_do_hot_date | Are you stuffed up? Yes. What do you think it is? Cold?
Seasonal allergies? It's the cat you adopted, even though I told you I was allergic. Well, this is the first time I'm hearing about this. You sent me a picture of you with him at the pet store. I said, please don't bring a cat home. I'm extremely allergic. You said, how could you be allergic to cuteness? I said, I'm not allergic to cuteness. I'm allergic to cat dander.
It makes my eyes swell and my throat close. And you responded, LOL dander, and brought him home anyway. Dander? It sounds like a Pokemon. It makes my throat close.
Okay, I know that you're attached to the cat, but I can't live with him. So we need to make a tough decision. You're moving out? What, me? No, we're giving the cat away. Oh, no. Sorry, we are not kicking my baby out onto the street. But you'll kick me out?
You can provide for yourself. I mean, what kind of baby do you want? You can provide for yourself.
I mean, what kind of a job is the cat going to get? And don't say deli cat, because they don't even get me. The cat's not going to the street.
Or a deli.
Thank you. I called my friend David, and he said that he can help us. Okay, that's good. So he's letting you stay with him. Oh, my God.
No, we're giving the cat to him. He's adopting the cat. Murph, we took on a responsibility, and we need to see it through until he's 17 and runs into the woods to die.
I didn't take on anything. I told you I was allergic to cats.
I said, you could bring home a dog. You could bring home a ferret. You could bring home a freaking rat.
I don't care. I just didn't want a cat. Look, this animal chose me. I mean, he bit me when I walked past his cage. If that isn't a sign. It's a sign that he's a jerk.
Okay, fine. I give up. We'll just all live together. I'll never breathe through my nose again. We could get my eyelids drained every few days. And if I go into shock, you could be the one who stabs me with the adrenaline needle.
Okay, great. I think we reached, like, a little compromise. We did it. You know, even though the cat and you have had some differences.
I mean, two guys under one roof competing to be the alpha. Holy fuck. Well, you've got to admit, he is so cute. I can't see him. Hey, guys. Thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope. Please stab at the shirt. Oh, okay. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_253_Oscar_McMahon_Young_Henrys | You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and Wendell Hussey. Today we're doing something a bit different. I guess you could call this Petuta's how I built this. You know, we kind of have a very, very vast array of guests on this podcast. Recently we've had Holmes of Court, the puppeteer of the Teal movement.
Doesn't like you saying that Clancy. No. He doesn't like that.
At Dylan Allcart. I think next week we're probably going to lock in Julian Assange's lawyer, Jen Robinson. She's good to go. She's in town lobbying Albanese.
So as you can see, there's a vast spread and you know, all different people from iconic careers, iconic names. Influential and interesting.
Yeah. I would say. And present and visible. And today's guest is exactly that. Oscar McMahon. Thank you for joining us. Thank you very much for having me here. Being the meat in this proverbial podcast sandwich. Yeah.
No, we you know, we know you without knowing you. A lot of Australians do.
You're sitting on the backseat of the car. You know, you're sitting at the front bar, you're in the fridge at home. Yeah. At the back.
Young Henry's.
It's an iconic brand. Probably the first, when we start talking about, you know, craft beer or microbrewing, it's the first beer that everyone's dad knows, which is huge. I think everyone's dad is actually our true target market, you know, as much as we'd like to think that we're like edgy in a city like Uber work or like really we're just selling to your dad. Yeah. Dads have a lot of money. And dads pledge allegiance to a beer they like a lifelong allegiance.
They're like, oh, that's all right. What's this called? Once you've got that, you've got them.
It's the kind of beer that can go on a footy trip as well. I feel that's the first kind of craft beer you'll see on a footy bus trip. You know, that'll make that, that in road in there, which, you know.
So what is the Zenith? What is the Zenith?
Is it airplanes being served on an airplane? I think it is being served pre-airplane. The airport beer is one of my favorite beers along with.
Look, airport beers, stadium beers, I reckon I'm going to a show at the end more tonight and being able to see one of my favorite bands, Nathaniel Rateliff and the Knights with a new towner in my hand. That's a pretty good beer for me as well. I think also it is, it's a really nice thing that we're now in a sort of a marketplace where you can pretty much go any, anywhere into any good pub and you can get a pretty good offering of independent craft beer.
You know, going back 11 years when we opened, that was not the case. We were having conversations with publicans and they were asking, so what is craft beer? We were having to tell them what craft beer was, why it might be important to some of their customers and then why independent craft beer, how that was different and how that might be. And so it's a really interesting, really interesting thing to have changed and back then you have to really, you had to really seek out if you're a craft beer nut, you used to have to go and find a spot. Whereas now it's just like, you just walk into a pub and just ask what they've got.
For sure. And we'll get back to the origin story in a second, but I do want to ask those days, right, when it was kind of like everyone was scrambling, the famous patoota bit, it was only ever really in Cannes. So we didn't really have to worry too much about that one tap in the pub. But I remember that, you know, or a lot of these pubs were licensed to a big one. Your Carlton United, your Lion Nathan and the publicans kind of contracted, right? And there's one tap. And you've got all your mates from different breweries and all these, and you're all fighting for that one tap. That sounded like a frustrating era for you guys.
It's still the same. And that's why so many independents get bought up is so that the big guys, they maintain a portfolio which is attractive to the changing consumer tastes. So it is very much still the same for you guys. Fucking exactly the same.
I think the percentage may have shifted like one or 2%, but it's still, you know, independent craft beer is still 10% of the market. So, you know, I'm no mathematician, but that's not the big bit.
Yeah, they get snaffled up a lot. You see a lot of them coming through and they get snaffled up pretty quickly. Or the best is the ones, and I'm not going to say any names because, you know, a lot of people worked hard on them, but the beers that clearly don't have the same story as you and have been invented overnight but are made to look like they might have come from a bunch of, you know, independents, like you see them and they've got iconic names and yeah, iconic people associated with them close now, anyway, the market has, the market has changed, but I guess you guys are on the front line of that key.
Tell us the story. You were in a band. Yep. You were pulling beers. Yep. Where did you guys all cross paths and where did you kind of slip into the mold and tell us the story because it's been a meteoric rise. It's been 11 years, but, you know, a lot's happened. Overnight success. Yeah. And in the scheme of things, when you look at the Coopers family have just been banging the drum for generations, 11 years isn't very long in the scheme of things. Yeah.
Well, I guess the funny thing was, playing in a band, working in a pub basically because I was playing in a band and, you know, don't make any money from that. So you had to pay your way some way and sort of through those two things, both working in hospitality started getting pretty interested in beers and through touring, started going different places.
Yeah. I remember. So you got to know the publicans. Yeah. Got to know publicans, got to try different beers. I still remember the first time I had a little creatures in a pub in Melbourne and me and the drummer, who's also my best mate, Robbie, we like, Oh, what's that little cherub thing. He's like, Oh, you got to give this a try. I remember having a sip of that pine going, what the fuck is that? Yeah. You know, like, I just, that was a real light bulb moment for me. And then our band, we got accepted to South by Southwest in Austin in 2009. Yeah.
We went over and did an American tour, which is great. Shrunk heaps of Sierra Nevada and a bunch of American craft beers came back, which is like, wow, this is cool.
Around that time I met Richard, who is the, he's the other co-founder for Young Henry's. He's living around the corner from the pub.
So I was working in Glebe and so we started talking about music. He was an ex-musician as well, started talking about beers and sort of, you know, going back to that comment before about how, you know, this is, this is like, we've been operational for 11 years. So what I'm telling you is around 2009, 2010.
Yeah. So this is the run up. This is the run up. Yeah. You couldn't go and just find good craft beer, whether it was independent or not in a pub. Yeah.
So we started a beer appreciation club where once a month in the back room of the Roxbury hotel, which is the pub I was working in, we would bring in five different beers from either around Australia or around the world and people would pay 20 bucks. You'd come in and you'd get to try five different beers and there was like food served and we had these things like word of mouth only, no Instagram, no Facebook, nothing like that.
Yeah. Modern day book club. Totally.
All of a sudden, like, you know, moving forward after about six months, we had 120 members and we were like, oh, hang on. People were giving a fuck about this. And then one night after beer club, we're flabbed.
We've tried so many different interesting beers. 12's moustache. And Rich is just like, oh, how cool would it be to make a beer company that is in touch with the people drinking it like beer club?
It's like, yeah, let's do that. So I called him the next day. I was like, oh, you know what we're talking about last night? How serious are you? And so anyway, we met up and we started talking through this idea and then we started heading down this road.
He'd been a brewer before? Yeah, he'd been a brewer. He was with a company called Barron's and he had just exited Barron's.
Right. That's a story that he can tell. So at this point, you're guys in a pubs like. We are just essentially just two guys in a pub. Employment adjacent. That's right, but if you think about it, like both of us come from a musical background, failed musical background. Thank you very much. You know, both of us are like love eating in restaurants, going to good pubs, experience in hospitality.
And we started building this company to be in line with our values. We wanted it to be a sustainable company. We wanted to have a rock and roll soundtrack. We wanted to have black T-shirts. We like we wanted to be open minded and we wanted it to reflect our values and the values of the people that we thought are going to give a shit about craft beer.
Then we found a site in Newtown that was just like, hey, this is the perfect place for it. I went to Newtown High, I went to Enmore Design Center, TAFE. Proper inner west kid.
Yeah, like so much. That place has been so formative for me in my life. Albo was at your school graduation, I'm sure. You're deep in that.
Like you don't meet many kids who grew up there. You know, it's quite often young people move there.
Well, university or that, you know, I'm the same. I was we lived in Forestville, but my parents allowed me and my sister to choose which high school we went to.
And I was into music. I was into music. I was sort of interested in drama and ended up doing an audition and got in for drama.
That would have been a bus trip down from Forestville. I was a fair and a half year for the fair from Fairville. Exactly. An hour and a half each way, you know, like I still remember that first day as like I was 12 when I started year seven walking down King Street that first morning.
Seeing Goths. Yeah, man, punks.
And like it was fucking wild. And I was like a 12 year old little kid from Forestville. I was like mind blown, it was great.
So you're feeling that. And this is obviously, you know, the inner west has had many iterations. We could go back to the, you know, the Newtown, particularly we go back to the Whitlam's before that we go back to like, you know, the hardcore Jets organized crime era of Newtown. Yeah. And I feel you're channeling all of those different, you know, eras and layers of the area.
But it is interesting that Young Henry's, I guess you could argue, was formed before social media. So it wasn't like you were curated into this current brand. We, you know, you look at things that have become popular in the last 10 years or the last five years, there's been so much influence around. You can pick and choose and you can, you know, you can create your thing based on what, what everyone's thinking. But you guys basically had an idea and you had a style and you had a, you know, you had a plan before all of that. Yeah, Instagram happened once we were in business.
Yeah. So we didn't start with a marketing plan. We got onto Facebook as a way of just saying, Hey, there's this coming up or about to release this beer. It wasn't festivals. Totally. There was, there was no marketing strategy. We were just doing gut feel things. And because we had these relationships in the music scene, we had some friends in bands. And so we're like, Oh, do you know what, let's make it, let's make a beer with this band and release it before a tour or whatever, you know. And so all of a sudden, like that is a marketing campaign, but we weren't looking at as a marketing campaign drag beers around the place. Totally.
This is like, and also one of our early things was if you go to a show at the opera house, if you buy a ticket to see a band or if you go to the opening of an art gallery, the sort of person that thinks about those offerings as being valuable, surely those types of people would see a handmade beer as being valuable. But you couldn't get, you couldn't access good beer at any of those things.
So we, we just made it like, that was our mindset. We're like, we're going to take good beer to places where good things are happening. Yeah, right. That was just our like real simple thing. So I was like, yeah, we spoke to the Rule Brothers and we got on top of the Annandale, like that was a big moment for us. Like, yes, independent beer, independent bands as if that's not a conversation. And that just became our focus. I do remember, you know, you would see that at even the smallest events. You guys must have been sending cartons of beer to, you know, to art school shows.
Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.
We, it's, it's, it's surprising we didn't go under beer that was getting out the door. Some kid walks in with Doc Martens on 19 year old. Hey, we're doing something. Can we have beer? Pretty much man, there was a really funny thing. Someone did a, a post on one of the platforms years ago and they said, you don't need to buy beer anymore.
Start a band. Young Andrews will give it to you for free.
And I was like, do you know what? That's awesome.
If someone could actually be fucking bothered to get three people or four people into a room, lug your gear upstairs and, you know, write some songs, some crap music, make some terrible music.
Just so we'll give you some beer. Fuck, I'll pay that. Do you know, it's cheaper just to buy it.
I wanted to ask about the origin of the name. I, um, there's many myths. There is a story that has just entered the zeitgeist and I've heard it repeated back to me by numerous people and I want to know, is it a bit of a fishing tale or is the origin story what people say it is?
What is it? Okay. Can you tell me what you've heard? I've heard that it was, uh, named after a young Henry, a young child who basically facilitated work getting done because people didn't get too pissed when they were working away. Oh, do you know what?
That's pretty bloody close. That is pretty bloody close.
So in the early days, me and Richard would catch up and work on this business plan for the listeners. There were inverted commas used on that business plan. It was a Spire X notebook with a bunch of ramblings and basically, um, but, uh, Richard had left barons and was a sort of stay at home dad at the time.
And so quite often would bring his one year old Henry to the meetings and one time we didn't have a name for it. And one time I said something like, I wish you call it young Henry's cause he's the third shareholder.
All right. And, and so we just wrote down young Henry's TBC on the front of that notebook and we just, we were like, yeah, that'll do it for now. That's the holding, that's the holding title. And we just never came up with anything better. So it was just drop the TBC and just made it. Yeah, exactly.
And you know, it's funny though, looking back, look, kind of like I said, we didn't have this go to market strategy. We didn't have a marketing plan. We didn't have a sales plan. We didn't even have a sales person when we started.
So to have named it, not out of a focus group or anything like that for it just to have been a throwaway comment and just like, Oh yeah, that'll do. Yeah. I mean, and that's how most bands get named, right? Total. Like it's the first thing that comes up and then no one really can think of anything else and then the kind of get attached to it. And that's the one, right? Yeah, that's, that's exactly right.
And I think it's a, it's a really nice thing that around that time, we were also writing our set of values. And our set of values is something that we read to every single person that joins the company. Like when we finish up here, I'm actually going to do it with a new staff member. And it's really nice that 11 years on that has been a continuum.
What was the thinking when you wrote that? Because it sounds like you didn't have a marketing strategy. You didn't have a business plan, but you were certain on getting down the values.
Yeah. Where did that come from? Is it?
We'd wanted to, we just wanted to try and capture what we wanted the company to be like we wanted it to be fun, exciting, but humble and you know, like to have a work ethic and you know, all of this. And so we wrote down these sort of rambling notes in that Spirex notebook. And when we were hiring our first salesperson, Stocko, who's still with the business, he's a shareholder now as well, he's a legend. Yeah, our business partner, Dan, he's like, look, we all we all know what this is about. But how do we tell that to someone else? And so we, oh, yeah, we've got these things. Read the right act of Stocko. Yeah, and it was this really nice thing that last year, we actually got someone to come in, we we brought 14 of our different crew from all different departments in, we sat down at lunch, put the values on the table. We said, Okay, everyone, this is the moment.
Call bullshit on whatever you want to call bullshit on what doesn't fit, what is outdated? Like, and so we let everyone just have at it, like, does this feel real? Like, what's disingenuous? What hasn't aged, you know? And what was really nice is that what came out of that is essentially reworded and slightly edited values that are exactly the same as they were. Yeah, and any new ones get added or any get booted? Do you know what?
Get rid of boys will be boys?
The whole what goes on tour stays on tour. No, we we brought we actually brought in a little bit about balance, about living balanced lifestyles, and how it's okay to be very post pandemic way of thinking too, isn't it? Yeah. And also, like, people in our company have got a lot of access to a lot of free alcohol. And so, you know, take this.
Stumbled across your Christmas party one night, 1020 young Henry sales reps in a pub there in Redford. I was like, what have I walked in?
Everyone's got a beard. They're all they're all like, you know, pretty big guys too, because you're carrying beer around.
There was there was definitely an era where where that was the case. And it's, it's really nice. We actually had our balance, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly.
We had our Christmas party last week, because, you know, hospital kind of Christmas party at Christmas. And it's really, really nice that my mom is the gardener at Young Henry's. And so, and her feedback after this Christmas party was she's like, it's a lot less blokey, a lot more women.
And a lot more. She was like, it's just it is a lot more balance. It's really nice. And that's been a real concerted part of part of especially the last five years. Just like you don't get gender balance and you don't attract different diverse people unless you do a lot of work to make it an attractive place for them to want to work.
Yeah, for sure. And and the fan has always been the fan.
As I look at that in the in like a band or the DMA's, they start they got the three blokes that you see on stage. But as the as the time goes on, you know, the wives and girlfriends are on tour. There's a kid there. And then now they've got the female violinists.
And then, you know, they've kind of because you can't be the rock stars forever. Can you? Like, you've got to you've got to kind of cast a wider net and you've got to bring in a few circuit breakers and a few different ideas mainly.
That's a big one. I reckon that that's spot on, right?
Like, you know, our communities, our country, when it works well, is a balance of different voices. And so if you want your business or your band to do well, then the more voices, the more perspectives that you're actually, you know, gaining. Like, really, for a company to do well, you have to actively and you need to reflect the community that you want to be a part of. And you've got to be a card carrying member of that community.
The Liberal Party doesn't think so.
Well, look at Budweiser. That's a really interesting thing that's happening in America right now because of the just that kind of the shooting cans. Yeah. They've got this like the pride thing and they cover the cans in the rainbow. Some people might think maybe their base isn't that invested in, you know, Pride Month. But there's people in the business that think, well, at least give this a crack. You know what I mean? Let's and, you know, they're facing the backlash and the climate in America.
And it sounds like Budweiser didn't have a list of values when they started. They just wanted to sell beer to people who've been working on coal mines.
But I think it goes back to the balance thing. I also like the fact that we can almost compare every stage of Young Henry's to an era of a band. You know, you start playing stadiums eventually. That's exactly it. Start out in the small pubs, move up like, hey, we're at the Enmore now. City football stadium.
We actually so much of how we operate is band like in the way that when you're in a band, you have to make creative decisions in a group. You all have to work in different like basically there are different departments. You know, there's the guitar department, there's the bass department, you know, like and you all need to be working cohesively towards a set goal. You've got to check your ego. You know, a good song is not because, hey, you wrote that great song and we will all play it perfectly how you want it. It's like, no, I'm the bass player.
I'm going to put in mine. But, you know, like that's when a song really, you know, takes off. Do that again. Exactly. What was that?
And so, you know, also when you're playing in a band, it's very rare that you get the opportunity to make decisions based around financial gain. And if you are creating a brand or you are operating a brand, you need to make decisions not based on financial gain. You've got to check, you've got to check your spreadsheets. You've got to make sure that there is a financial return.
But that gut feel like that's what a brand is. A brand is something that people look at and they have a gut feel reaction to whether they like it, whether they don't like it. Do I buy into this or do I not? And it's a really interesting thing what you're saying about Budweiser.
You know, they've got this huge platform and they're talking to probably the hardest to reach some of the hardest to reach, you know, people when we are talking about, you know, Rust Belt America. Totally. And we're talking about, like, you know, equality. Yeah. They're the people who aren't listening. Yeah. What a fucking brave move it is to actually say, hey, we're going to make a stand as a company and put this into the heads of people who are probably going to be not ready for that.
Like a couple of companies did that during Pride and I do understand that there is, you know, rainbow washing and all of that. But then there is also that other side of what I loved is that in Pride Month, walking around Sydney, every single ad, every single shop, it was Pride related. And you think about how that must make a young gay or trans person feel. Or one of the old codgers who remembers walking up those streets and getting bashed.
You know what I mean? One hundred percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That actually shows societal shift. And, you know, so there is there is, I think, a positive side to that as well. Yeah, for sure. I mean, it is a bit different.
Young Henry's, you know, they're not, you know, you're not off the ground yet five years ago and you're probably doing a lot of stuff. And, you know, tipping in and helping out at Pride or, you know, queer parties. And then and then all of a sudden you look at that and you could argue you guys are on the front line of that in Australia just because that was what you were about. And then all of a sudden we've got ANZ and we're like, whoa, OK, like Australia and New Zealand Bank are involved. Yeah, I didn't see you around a few years ago.
And that's where you can argue the rainbow washing, I guess, when it's like Rio Tinto presents being gay. And not destroying agricultural sites.
The Budweiser thing I find curious as well. You're talking about allegiances and a lot of people have allegiances to beer. I do wonder what proportion of their diehard drinkers are actually going to not drink Budweiser anymore. Like one percent, two percent, maybe Kid Rock because you're shooting at it with guns. But I feel like the majority is still going to drink Budweiser and they've just opened themselves up to a whole new audience.
Yeah, I think there's also, you know, there's a quality versus quantity, you know, diagram that someone could make. And if you were to look at Kid Rock's records under that same microscope, that's not really going to stand up either.
Yeah. Kid Rock's as popular as he's ever been shooting guns. But my favorite thing about Kid Rock is that he like he had all his like nu metal era when it was like it's either Eminem or Kid Rock. Right. Young white boys in those towns. And he had his mom and he had his Woodstock 99 and he had all that. And then he came back like late noughties with that All Summer Long. Yeah.
Which was a big track. Like it was a good little kind of. Yeah, it's an earworm. But he didn't make a cent on it because he sampled.
Yeah, Leated Skid and Werewolves of London. So he had Sweet Home Alabama and Werewolves of London. So he lost like both 50 percent of that.
Like it was, you know, doo doo doo doo doo. And then All Summer Long. Oh, man, that's amazing.
It's like so we know that he only does it for clout, really, because it's not really about money for Kid Rock there. Well, the good thing is if you only need to wear white singlets and, you know, like baggy jeans for the 90s, like your cost of living is pretty low. Yeah, I'm sure Pamela Anderson was paying his bills for a few years.
Talking about values there, one thing I've seen from Kid Rock. We can talk all day on Kid Rock. He had a few tracks. They call me Kid.
I do want to bring it back to values on their algae projects that I've seen you guys doing. Yeah. Which obviously looks very cool and sounds very cool. But I do struggle to wrap my head around it sometimes. Can you give us a little bit of a rundown on how all of that works? Yeah, OK. So the simplest way to put it is that for the last five years, we've been partnered with UTS and we are researching and coming up with a commercial proposition for how you can use micro algae to decarbonise the brewing industry and reduce methanosis in cattle.
I thought Bob Cattle was crazy when he was talking about this. He is. He's been banging this drum, the algae drum, for a long time. I've heard I've heard about this.
Yeah. It stops the cows from farting. From burping. It's still all up a gut. Yeah.
So carbon comes out of the brewing process, gets put into making algae, which releases oxygen and then goes into the cow's diet and stops them burping. So there's no algae in the beer. The algae is in a separate tank.
Would you ever do that? That could be that could be a real crafty beer. We'll get there. It's the greenest beer you'll ever have.
So basically, we capture all the CO2 from the brewing process. Feed what you don't use in the brewing process through an algal bioreactor. It ingests the CO2, photosynthesises, turns that into oxygen. All that photosynthesis creates heaps more algae. Eventually, the algae tank gets to, you know, critical biomass. We then want to take that algae downstream, feed it to cows, lower their methane emissions. And also, when cows aren't creating that extra methane, the energy goes into more meat weight and more milk.
So it's actually good for the animal. It's good for the farmer. So it's going to have this commercial payback for brewers in the way that we're not purchasing CO2 anymore. And then it's going to have this awesome payback for farmers, you know, livestock producers, because they get better feed efficiency, hopefully better nutrients. They're lowering their emissions in an industry which has a really big target for lowering emissions and probably hard to hit. So it's a really amazing thing. Especially in a drought kind of stricken country. Just to have that stuff pulling up on the paddock could often help more than anything.
It's not raining. There's no grass.
OK, so the grass will all burn. So, are we drowning or burning? I can't remember. I think we're back to burning at the end of the year, unfortunately.
Fucking good. But there is already an existing relationship between farmers and brewers. Tell me. All of our ingredients come from the land, you know, hops, grain. Also, when brewers make beer, they are left with tons and tons of grain where they've basically extracted all the sugars out of. That's called brewer spent grain. We donate that to farmers as a cattle feed. That happens around the world. So there is already an existing link between brewers and farmers.
Is it like a chaff? Yeah, it's basically like a, it is basically crushed up barley grains. They've been wet, they've been used, all the sugar's been pulled out of them.
So they can be used, I think, up to 10% of a cow's diet in times of drought. I think the better percentage is around 5%. But it's a really common feed additive.
And so what we're sort of trying to work out is, well, hang on. If we can get the brewing industry around the world to just put in one extra tank full of algae. And so you've already got this waste product that goes towards livestock. What if you could supercharge that and actually have this positive effect on beer? So you're not releasing any CO2 because going into the tank. We are still in the testing phase. But we are about to put in, within the next two months, our first commercial prototype, which will stop our brewery releasing CO2, will hopefully be the first oxygen emitting brewery in the world.
Really? That's what we're going for. So the plan is, it completely limits your CO2 and then downstream, the same thing with the cattle? Yep, that's right.
So you get these two different industries that get to make a carbon reduction. And I say carbon reduction because CO2, that's carbon dioxide and methane is hydrogen and carbon.
I hope you're listening, David Littleproud. We should get some of the gnats into Newtown to have a few conversations with these boys because it's all written out here for you.
It's already there. They're going to need to be dealing with some rural representatives pretty soon because it sounds like the wheels are in motion. Yeah, it's happening. Yeah. We've actually got Meat and Livestock Australia have come on recently as a...
They don't miss a beat. No, they don't.
They've come on as a research partner, which has actually been really good because a large part of this is, how do we engage with the farming and livestock community? How do we, you know, how do we make this palatable to them and to their animals? And we've got so many, the research has passed through so many ethical gateways that in August, we're actually going to start doing live feeding trials of lamps. Basically, they're not forced to eat it. It's presented and, you know, so it's all about adoption and whether they like it, whether they'll eat it, and then tracking how much methane they produce. They will head on to steers later in the year.
Really? Yeah. It's all happening. Yeah, it's pretty big. So you've got, as you said, the existing relationship with the spent grain, and then I guess you're saying that's 5% of that as a cow's diet. Yeah. And then what are you looking at? This is what you're trying to figure out now, how much algae they can eat. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Trying to get the algae to be the lowest possible dose to have the largest possible impact on methane creation, because that's where you really get to see, you know, like positive effect. Micro dosing livestock.
That's exactly right. Can I ask about those initial conversations?
Because you mentioned there the gnats and how they like to use basically inner city people as a punching bag at times. It is a weird mix. It's not something traditionally people would expect, the bearded craft brewers and the Bushies out west running livestock.
How did those initial meetings come about and what were they like? Was there any kind of confusion or were they just happy to work together?
I think that some of the people that we've spoken to from the sector thus far, we've, you know, we've gone and done a couple of feedlot visits and had a couple of conversations from people, you know, from meat and livestock, Australia through a couple of different meat businesses, abattoirs, stuff like that. And I think that they are aware, they are aware that they need to change their industry's emissions. And they don't want to change their industry. So if there is an opportunity for just a feed additive that could, you know, like if you've got a beef producer, you don't want to have to stop producing beef and you're not going to be able to convince Australia to all go vegetarian or vegan in the next 10 years.
So what are you going to do? You need to find something. And, you know, I think in a really simple way, if you talk about, you know, communication base, like how you could lower the methane of your steak by drinking beer, it's like, hey, where do I sign up for that?
Absolutely. Well, so this is this is all happening. This is wheels are in motion.
I'm I'm looking forward to seeing I'm going to have to come down and check out this tank. Yeah, it's it's it's a really cool thing. And what I think is the it's it's kind of nerdy and it's kind of weird, but like the young Henry's team love it. Like it's this big glowing green tank in the brewery and it's creating oxygen like that tank that is in our brewery creates more oxygen than a hectare of Australian bush land every day.
Yeah. So think about that. We could we could knock down our whole city block where the brewery is situated and plant trees, you know, bring in mature trees and then that would do the equivalent decarbonization or oxygen production as 400 liters of microalgae. Yeah. Like think about that, you know, like as if every city in the world shouldn't have like algae tanks. Yeah.
You want to decarbonize algae. Get that happening with the craft brewing kit for anyone who wants to get started. Here's your mini little algae tank.
Absolutely. And Albo, I know that you're listening. We should definitely get some sort of tax incentive for microbrewers to be installing algae tanks. Absolutely.
And then we can pull away every other tax so that they're running at the equal to the major brewers as well. We can talk about that. But that leads me to my next question.
How are you on top of everything? How do you stay on top of all this? As we said at the start of the interview, you're still fighting for that tap in every pub. You're also reinventing agriculture on the side. Like how how are you staying on top of all this? Oh, sometimes I feel like my title is barely managing.
We've got we've got an amazing team of people. The young Henry's team is around 80 heads of. You know, bright minded, passionate, interesting people that all have things going on the side, side hustles, you know, like bands, families, like, you know, it's it's a pretty amazing group of people. And if you can get engaged and inspired, intelligent people to all run towards a common goal together.
There's nothing that you can't achieve. And we also have a shareholder base that sort of believes in the brand equity of these weird ideas. Like we've been funding this algae thing for five years. Yeah, that's not that is not showing any financial return.
However, you know, this is going back to like that thing about what what is a brand? A brand is something that has to resonate with people.
I don't think anyone is going to hear about the algae project and say, I'm only drinking young Henry's now. But I reckon that there's a whole bunch of people that drink young Henry's already. They go, I'm going to keep drinking young Henry's because they're doing something.
You know, and I think that if you like, why do people think that we are somewhat aligned with the, you know, live music scene, for example? It's because we've been working with and actively a part of that conversation for 11 years. We give a shit about it. We actually act in that space so people can smell bullshit. And I sort of think that with sustainability, it's the same thing. You've got to put action down before you before you talk about it. And all of that just leads up to being a beer company that people go, you know, I feel okay drinking that because they're doing something for sure. You know, I don't think that's the reason that it jumps off the shelf over other people. But I do think that it's a reason for people to stick to it.
Yeah. Well, I'm a big fan of the natural lager. Yeah. So yeah, I'll be making sure I'm making sure I contribute to that algae day in, day out. Thank you for giving me all the excuses. And that's it right? Hello, eco warriors at the pub.
It's not for me. This is for the world. Thanks for joining us today, Oscar. It's a hell of a yarn.
And yeah, all power to you. Good luck with the tank. And yeah, we know Albo, a little proud. This is a bipartisan decision that you all need to make. Give him a call. Come down for a beer. Algie up.
Thank you, guys. Thanks, mate. |
dropout | should_we_make_another_contest_video_all_nighter_2014 | College Humors All Nighter! When I move, you'll move! Just like that. Give it to me, you're a wreck to ya! What's going on, man? College Humor All Nighter, you pumped? Yes, thank you so much for coming by. Contest video? Yeah.
Let's do it. Think of some funny DVDs, like right off the bat. Wayne's Roll. We'll figure it out. It's hard to think it off the bat. Okay, let's do it. Let's write.
When can you write, busy man? Not very busy. I'm not very busy. I actually have a bunch of time looking right now.
Give me a day. Thursday. Good. Free. Except for 12 noon. I got something in noon. Sure. What do you got? Doctor's appointment. Like 12 to like 5, 5.30. Wow.
What kind of doctor? I don't know yet. I feel like when I get there, I'll figure it out.
But he said make sure you get there, leave five hours, and don't worry. He just kept saying don't worry.
That's weird. I don't know what it means.
So you want to say seven to be safe? Seven is heaven for your friend. I can't do it. I got a party, actually. Party at seven.
Okay. Yeah.
How about Friday? Friday at what time, please, sir? Friday at what time?
Anytime. Friday's pretty open for me. For me, it is as well.
Lucky for you, I just have something from 9 a.m. to 8. From 9 a.m. until 8 p.m.? A.m. 9 a.m. to 8 a.m.
I'm a... So for 23 hours, you have something. Yeah. I didn't think about that. So why did you say we're free? I have an hour free, so don't push, push on my tissues. What do you have for 23?
Doctor's appointment. It's a checkup.
The guy said after that first five hours, the next day he's really want to get into it. Really want to get into it.
He said hands and dick. Okay. I don't know what it means. I bet it's not good. I know.
By the way, how about tomorrow? You want to come to the Sparks game tomorrow? So you are free tomorrow. I'm not. I'm going to the Sparks game. Do you want to come or do you not want to come?
The WNBA team. Yes. Fine.
Should have jumped down too early. You talk too much. You can't say that, man. Someone jumped on the tickets.
How about this? I give you a day because I'm so packed or whatever it is. I tell you, it works out. You ready? Great. Here we go. Okay. Done. Three to five. Lock it in. I am free. Let's do it. What word did I just use? Free.
I've been busy. I'm busy for those hours and the rest of the day and that whole week. I am super slammed. Going on a date with Meetins, Edens. Sorry.
Who? Huh? Who?
At Meetins, Edens. It's your total hander. Her real name is Mallory Edens. She is the daughter of the owner of the Bucks. And yesterday at the NBA draft lottery. Oh, baby. Way to go, Meetins, Edens. This is what I was thinking.
So I tweeted at her. Nothing back yet. But I feel like when she does, her and I will probably go to a rich place in Milwaukee. Do they have boats there? I've never been to Milwaukee. You're going on a date with Mallory Edens. The daughter of the owner of the Milwaukee Bucks. Because you tweeted at her, but she has yet to respond. But you got to have high hopes. Yeah.
Isn't she 18? Is she 18? She is 18. I can't tell because I don't have HD. Is it really 18?
I'll reschedule it. Come on, come on. Give me something. Bye, bye, bye.
Monday, Monday. Monday it is. The 30th. There is no Monday, May 30th. Keeps going. August 30th. Monday, August 30th.
Keeps going. 2016. In two years. 26 months.
I am totally... If you say it, it shall be busy. It is busy. I'm sorry, man. What do you have on Monday, August 30th.
I'm running for president.
And I wish you wouldn't yell at your highness. Can I count on your vote? No. Absolutely not.
Hold the presses. Hold the presses, my friend.
I just got a cancellation. Do you want me to throw you just in? Yes. Booked it. Fuck. You take too long. I did not. You did. That's how I just said yes right away. How long was your yes? Say yes. Yes. No. You said yes. Yes. And in that ease, someone booked it, all right? How so quickly?
See you tomorrow, Ben. Jakey, Jakey.
Go Sparks. Go Sparks, baby.
You know what? I actually want to get a beer, Jake. No, no, no. You haven't even given me a date.
Fine. Okay. Fine.
What about January 12th, 2017? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to get a beer if you don't...
When? 4.12 a.m. 4.12 a.m.? 4.12 a.m. to like 4.16 a.m.? For four minutes in four years?
Jake, I'm coming. Yeah. Do it. Let's do it. You're going to kill me. Doctor's appointment? It's no Sparks game, if necessary, okay? Mallory. It's her? It's me. Just practicing, not her yet. Jakey. Can I get a beer with you all?
Busy. You're busy. Busy.
Thank you so much for watching The All Niner. If you enjoyed this video, click to subscribe. You can't bear to miss another.
Hey. Good dance. You're not doing anything with a map? Good thing this guy's an intern. |
dropout | getting_back_at_your_flaky_friends | I love you guys. So funny.
Is what we would be saying if our so-called friends had showed up. I'll give them five more minutes. It's been two and a half hours. I'm going to take these two chairs. I told you, we have friends coming. We have friends coming.
Why are you still here? I can't believe Stan and Holly stood us up. Can you even get stood up on a double date? I mean, isn't it just a regular date now?
Yeah, right. Two people at a four-person table. We look ridiculous. Like them. Disgusting. At least they have an excuse. All their friends are probably dead. Lucky.
Our old friends suck. I miss when I was a kid and everyone was forced to invite me to their birthday parties. They didn't even do us the courtesy of a last-minute bail text. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind. Tell them they suck. Hey, Stan. You suck. The night is much better without you here. No one has asked to see an allergy menu or requested their fries be made in a different deep fryer you gluten-free fuck.
Tell them his flakiness is indicative of a larger problem with commitment. You and Holly won't last. Not that she's any prize either. Tell them she baked that fireman when they were on a break. I already did.
You'll be happy to know that Emily and I are having a fine time on our regular date. This is a two-person table, by the way.
Peace, bitch. Owned that dude. That's Holly. Stan's dad died. Ooh. If I delete texts from my phone, do they get deleted from his phone? No. Hey, Stan.
I was hacked. Hope you didn't get any weird messages. |
TheOnion | More_Office_Workers_Switching_To_Fetal_Position_Desks | A new trend in offices across the country. More and more people are switching to fetal position desks so that they can curl up in a ball on the floor while they work. Aaron Vaughn has the story. I'm here at the offices of Slash Forward Marketing, one of the many companies where employees are throwing out their chairs in favor of working from the fetal position.
Wellness experts say it's the best way to stay healthy and productive at work. The human body isn't meant to sit at a desk for six or seven hours. The natural position, especially in the workplace, is to shut down completely, return to a womb-like state and rock back and forth to soothe yourself. A new study shows that the healthiest way to deal with the penetrating drudgery of the work day is to work from a comfortable surface with your back curved, head tucked in and your arms wrapped around you to block out the outside world. I work at a computer all day. Sitting in a chair, I found that my neck would hurt, my back would hurt, I'd spend full days watching the minutes of my life slip away.
State President Robert Bettendorf says the trend is catching on with his employees. We found that before we switched over to these desks, employees were already assuming the fetal position throughout the day, putting their heads between their knees and shutting it all out for even just a few minutes. It's what people naturally wanted to do. Fetal position desks, which are even popping up in offices like Google and Facebook, come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some have adjustable height so you can cower underneath them, while more expensive options include a warm, pulsating blanket for workers to wrap themselves in to feel calm. But many people are making their own.
I've rigged this up so I can type comfortably and my arms won't get tired. Plus it's got speakers so I can listen to a comforting voice saying shhh over and over again. The workday goes by a lot faster. I feel better, I have more energy, and I don't get that 2-30 feeling anymore where I'm like, oh no, didn't I want to be a novelist? Before I know it, I'm at home watching Netflix and the fetal position on my bed.
Some offices are rethinking assigned seating altogether, letting employees work however and wherever they want. The result? Surprising collaborations and a free exchange of ideas.
But if you're not ready to give up your traditional desk entirely, experts say you can still get some of the benefits of fetal position desks with a few simple exercises. We recommend that all workers take 20-30 minutes out of every day to write the word suicide over and over again in a Google Doc. Make that a part of your routine. I've tried a fetal position desk myself, and I can say it's a great way to get through the fucking day. Thanks Erin.
I hate my job.
Next up, new evidence suggests Shakespeare's plays may have been boring. |
TheOnion | Man_Doesn_t_Know_How_Parents_Ever_Going_To_Pay_Off_Massive_Student_Loan_Debt | After briefly reviewing several documents outlining his parents' dire financial circumstances today, 23-year-old Wesleyan University graduate Zach Wallace told reporters he had quote "...absolutely no clue how his mother and father are going to dig themselves out of the $35,000 of student loan debt they incurred to pay for his college education." I mean, this is going to be really hard on my parents. When I was in college, I just assumed that they would pay off my student loans within a few years of me graduating, but I never realized how expensive college is going to be for them. Wallace, who graduated with a film studies degree in 2012 and has since had two unpaid internships, told reporters that from the way prevailing interest rates are trending, his parents could easily be paying off his debt for the next quarter century. The way I see it, if the economy doesn't pick up in a big way, they're going to be paying for the rest of their lives. And on top of it all, they have to help me out with my rent, too. I mean, it sucks. It really, really sucks. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | super_showcase_spokesmodels_snl | You cartoonist, are you excited? I am, Carl. I can't believe I made it to the Super Showcase round. Oh, we're excited for you in our showcase models. they're excited for you, too.
Congratulations, Deborah. you're on your way. you two look lovely today. thanks, Carl. Sean does wearing Christopher Kane. and Vonda's wearing the Christopher Kane knockoff. both look beautiful. Deborah, before the break, you gave your answer to the final question, and your answer was Beef.
That's right. Beef. All right. Well, everything's right in on this.
So let's see what Sean and Vonda think.: Vonda, do you think the answer is Beef? I think it could be beef. All right. Sean, what do you think? I'm not sure that it's beef, Carl. but beef sounds right. definitely beef. Okay. the Super Showcase. let's see what the answer is. is it beef? Oh. no, the answer is Nine. nine. not Beef. I almost said nine. you said beef, which is wrong. and we find out what you would have won.
Sean and Vonda show Deborah what was in her showcase. Bad news, Deborah. you didn't win. he doesn't hurt his matching luggage by luggage guy. there's no luggage by luggage. it's just a bunch of luggage from someplace. you ought to be the talk of baggage claim. Deborah, I'm sorry you didn't win that. me too. I would have loved that. Well, that's not all you didn't win.
Shonda? Vonda?
Hey. you love golf. you love the next prize. you didn't win. it's a rinsing glamorous one day, no night's day. I think that would be Charlie and Ryan's coffee though. you've been golfing all day and leaving before dinner. Gotta see a fimble beach. And that's not all. you'll be a rust swagger with this. it's a nice matching golf club by golf club guy. four. nice stroke, Shonda.
Are you sad you didn't win all these great prizes, Deborah? sad is putting it mildly. you're gonna kick yourself easy with Shonda and Vonda having their court. look at them, Deborah. a lifetime supply of frozen chicken by Chicken Man. imagine years after years after years of chicken. right at your fingertips. each chicken looks as good as this one. that's a chicken Man guarantee. if your mom likes chicken, you might like chicken. You like chicken, Deborah?
I really do. I can't believe I didn't win this showcase.
What? Shonda, wait, wait. no, there's more. they're in? Shonda! come back! there's another showcase gift in your card! it's mine! I could just back up. What am I calling at me? what's the real? just cut it hard. turn it, baby. I know, I know, Shonda!
I can't talk. don't chase me.
There we are, coming back. supposed to happen? I hope you had fun today. it was okay. you're a good sport. Well, that's all the time we have here.
Oh, my God! Shonda got decapitated, but she's still walking around showing things from the convex stage. come on, Deborah. let's go check this out. I'd really rather not. Oh, come on. how often do you see something like this? come on. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_67_peter_stefanovic | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Well welcome back to Baxter Burt Studios in downtown Batutah. We've got a special guest today he's one of Queensland's favorite sons he's a media identity he's just coming back from from the deep north where he's been visiting his folks before he starts a new gig next week the Cairns Taipan Peter Stefanovic thanks for joining us. Great to be here thanks for inviting me. Thanks for coming up the Cairns Taipan you know we used to go and watch the Cairns Taipans play the basketball team regularly. Yeah they had a basketball team up there the Townsville Crocs even the soccer team up there was the Cairns Taipans.
Never saw a Taipan though a real Taipan. I think there's two types of Taipan aren't they because there's a coastal one that's up there in the Gulf and then there's an inland Taipan the fear snake which is I think the world's third deadliest snake. After the Eastern Brown? Yeah I think it might be before the Eastern Brown I don't know I mean it's you'll have to fact-check me on that. Well it's just great up there I mean we've got all the killers we've got the Crocs up there you've got the Eastern Browns up there the Cassowaries up there.
You've got the caddas. Yeah all the caddas.
Now how are things up north this time of the year? Lovely it's great to be there now I always struggled there in the summertime because it's 400 degrees and Singaporean back in school we didn't have you know air conditioning in those days so you had the you had the thick layer of sweat that's stuck between your school shirt and the seat oh yeah it was beautiful there wasn't much learning going on then but so right now it's it's what 22 23 degrees yeah beautiful so I spent a bit of time down Yorkies Knob where my mum lives and had a good relax for about three days before I got bored. Is there a bit of a homecoming for you up there? I didn't get bored for the people listening up there. Not really well yeah it is actually because I get to see my mum and all my family my cousins and aunties and uncles and so so that's nice. Bit like Wayne Gardner you know rocking up at Wollongong is it that kind of reception when the when the Stephanie was come on no not like a an open bus parade through the main streets of Cairns now I didn't quite have that no I kind of kept it low-key I just I like hanging around Yorkies because it's um there's a yacht club there and a little golf club and everything that's needed Port Douglas good to go up there for lunch yeah yeah I love a Great Northern the beer from up here yeah how good is it the greatest gift that Christopher Scaice ever gave his country is Port Douglas and all that the Commonwealth did was try to take him down for it and the people who hack on Port Douglas haven't been there yeah exactly what a great joint knock it to you try it that's right yeah it's the best palm trees in Australia I love a palm tree too just get me going on palm trees it's one of those things yeah were you your family North Queenslanders or was that just like where you guys were born yeah we just kind of drifted there so my so my mum's parents I'm kind of drifted there they lived it they lived at Whale Beach and funnily enough they had a had a house there on Whale Beach one of the biggest there and they sold it in the 60s for about 50 grand yeah I think it's worth about 8 million yeah but yeah so they my grandfather was a captain of ships and used to sail them through the Torres Strait and whatnot so they all kind of gravitated up there and had their kids and and we all just kind of ended up there as well it was great great joint to to have an upbringing really yeah it's so free we had such a free childhood it was awesome barefoot of school oh yeah yeah oh yeah loved it all yeah you get the bindis out we do get immune to bindis after a while yeah even feel them they become so hard well weathered heels now the there's a big Slavic community in in North Queensland were you kind of part of that post-war wave oh is that a separate I was more with the with the Italians I used to hang out with them a little bit more I used to get teased a lot when I was playing for the for the local Italian football teams they used to call me the bomb chucker just training on my Slavic roots you know yeah yeah the best guy was just having was just going off at about that time yeah the early 90s and whatnot but but yeah I said I used to love hanging out with the Italians I still do I still kind of feel like I'm a bit of an honorary Italian because of you know why wouldn't you be yeah it'd be a little bit weird if you weren't comfortable yeah that's right yeah I mean they got the food they got yeah drinks and and the football I love it so what was the migration path was that your not your old man grandfather yeah so are we going back back my grand yeah grandfather on my dad's side he's Serbian he came from Belgrade born in Belgrade and then he left Belgrade to have my dad with dad's mum obviously in Germany so he was born in Germany so I've got quite a European mix in there and then they sail on a boat out here in the late 40s early 50s they came out here and and that's his side and then mum's side came from up up north and where did the journalism come from with you guys that's well dad used to do a radio show in Cairns he was a financial planner and he used to sort of crunch the numbers on air and he was quite a charismatic guy you know I still is foot the investor yeah I think that's where the barefoot Taipan I think that's where Carl originally got the bug through dad bit more of an anchorman bit more of a yeah yeah bit more of bit more of a host oh you've done your time on it like on the desk as well yeah a little bit yeah but so Carl so I think Carl got the bug there and then I didn't really know what to do I was I wanted to be a jockey was the first job that first profession I wanted to be but then I got over four and a half feet and and and then I thought what else am I good at and Carl just goes why don't you come to work with me for a day yeah see if you like it or not because at that point he was working at win TV in Cairns yeah and I went there I thought it was great so I stuck with it and English was the only subject I was good at at school yeah other than sport and then later on you brought Tom Tommy yeah my little brother Tommy he was in a little bit of the same boat but he was more kind of on the camera yeah yeah yeah more behind the camera and he's left now though he's in it he's growing almonds and I'm a farmer down in Griffith yeah he's doing a great job there in Griffith yeah yeah it's a good joint Griffith milk and almonds yeah that's right yeah again the Italian yes I'm just sort of gravitate so you had one in the field you had one on screen and you had one behind the camera yeah was that it kind of you had the triple threat you went to channel 9 with that and said you get all no well also there's my sister who at the time was cutting hair and doing makeup and weeks for stage shows and whatnot so we could have gone the four of us here we are take us as a pack as we reported on this before the modern-day dados yeah so yeah and and I ended up in Sydney along a long time after that but but that's how it all started hmm now can you tell us a little bit about getting the foreign correspondent work yeah had to roll into that so I I'd done a bit of time at win TV in Rock Hampton for about 18 months and then I went to win TV in Canberra for about 18 months and then I drifted over to Sydney and worked as a producer there for a little while and started doing some work for a current affair and I got in touch with Rob Penfold yeah the elegant veteran himself and I said what do I have to do to get to become a correspondent because that's that sounds like a great job you know traveling the world and and and seeing all the great stories and and and seeing all this history unfold and and he basically said just sit tight just work hard and wait for something to pop up and I think probably within about a year a vacancy popped up so I just went for it with great gusto and enthusiasm and ran the ball yeah and sure enough yeah that was that was about 26 years old at the time so I was pretty young for a correspondent at that point and I was by myself but just loved it it was the start of a really great time in my life so it was your first overseas posting it was LA yeah yeah so we're based out of LA and I was there by myself yeah but you make friends quickly you know yeah especially there when you're Australian there's a couple of friends on you who knew they're already anyway so we sort of we ended up renting out this big party house and up in the Hollywood Hills like you're under playing it a bit but yeah they were all there for pilot season unfortunately I had to go and work all the time and what would you would have been so that was 2008 okay that's when I started right at the start just after Heath Ledger passed away actually all right so just as the recession started yeah Barack Obama this the Hurricane Obama he started sweeping through it about that point and Arnie was Arnie yeah he was the governor yeah he was the governor yeah so the governor I believe his title was yeah he's I used to go to a couple of things conferences where he was there though he's a charismatic guy Arnie is yeah and then I mean it was a big political year that one yeah I mean no one really expected it to end up the way it did with Barack Obama knocking off Hillary Clinton and getting first of all that that Democratic nomination and then going on to win the big the big game itself big dance yeah yeah can we just ask I mean as someone who's on the ground there every single election we've seen in the last three or so years now with the 24-hour news cycle it is a lot more hysterical and we talk about predictions and then of course the polls are wrong and we yeah it's a different result Skomo was an example of that he painted it blue Trump painted it red Brexit all that kind of stuff was that happening boots on the ground in America was did Obama come as a similar shock well not as much not as much no I think the polls were a bit more accurate back then someone from the Democrats were going to win that election because on the other on the other side you were coming out of George W Bush who you know the Republicans were very unpopular at that point would have taken a miracle for John McCain to have won that and I think he would have been a good a good president but it wasn't to be I mean Sarah Palin came in and sort of yeah that was a pretty good side show but it was it was and that was in many ways that was the best part was the Obama versus Clinton yeah race for the Democratic nomination he was just so good at speaking publicly you know he had the silver tongue and he was he was just so smooth and any good everybody you could code between communities as well yeah you get a different Obama depending what crowd he was in front of yeah and everyone just got caught up in it and it was just great to see you know you know I used to go to a couple of his his stump speeches and you know ever everyone just loved him and I guess he wasn't a bush or a Clinton you know that's right yeah yeah yeah yeah it wasn't a dynasty there was an alternative but yeah and you remember I think this was after he won the Democratic nomination so he was heading towards the general election and they ended up doing this world tour and one of the speeches he gave in Germany when there was hundreds of thousands of people who were there to see him and it's like this guy's got it in the bag yeah he's already presidential yeah he released that book as well at the same time yeah yeah that's right yeah nailed the family tree yeah but would you call him a populist in hindsight would I mean Trump is a populist you we've got popular politicians here or do you reckon he was just a shaman oh he had a bit of everything yeah I think when you look back on his presidency though depending on who you ask was it successful most people do think it was a success but I think his foreign policy was was no good I think he didn't he didn't do a very good job there at all it's sort of underscored by the whole red line and Syria business which I'm sure he would think that that was a mistake but where he had changed his whole his whole campaign was about hope and change and everyone ate it up and it was it was really great to see in the sense of a spectacle yeah yeah he ran an opposition campaign yeah yeah and it's what Shorten didn't do this year and it's interesting though because I went last year or the night the the year that years are getting ahead of me now when when Donald Trump won it and I went to see a couple of his speeches it was so much the opposite of what Obama was doing but just as entertaining yeah yeah and it was just impossible you just look at him thinking I think he's gonna win it yeah well on that um on election night he was like a vote for me means all your dreams will come true like impossible promises yeah yeah but it was crazy like his supporters were so crazy when you'd go to you'd go and watch some of his speeches and at that point he was turning the media against everybody and there was it was a it was almost kind of scary in a way too because people would come up right up to your face and start pointing at you and calling you the fake media and all that kind of business where you from Australia where's that somewhere not here yeah but that gets so cranky and he was successful and in driving a wedge between between the media and himself and his supporters that's for sure now where was your first kind of war zone America wasn't exactly that I mean would have been interesting but you've done the yeah behind car doors thing yeah that was the camera yeah that was in Ukraine that one first one would have been I think probably the Arab Spring it's and that was civil war back then so that was 2011 Egypt wasn't necessarily a war zone but it was hot yeah you know there was there was a whole lot going on with Hosni Mubarak had been the dictator there for 30 odd years and all of a sudden people thought that there was this wave of change coming across and and they could be a democracy as well I'd seen it happen in Tunisia and that dictator left within about 17 or 18 days yeah it was a quick turnaround is that's where it started yeah Tunisia moved to Libya yes a young fruit seller who was tired of being pushed around by the government and he lit himself on fire in front of the government yeah and so that's that's what kicked it off that's what kicked it off that's what kicked off the Arab Spring and so this wave of hope kind of engulfed the Middle East so it went from Tunisia to Egypt to Libya yeah and then to Yemen to Syria in Bahrain as well some other fires were put out pretty quickly by yeah by certain regimes but Egypt I mean they were successful in the end yeah I mean I remember it was and that was that wasn't a hesitant reluctant thing that just was following train I remember being in a taxi when there was a guy that the Egyptian boxing gloves on the rear-view mirror I said geez wouldn't want to be there right now yeah I would love to be there as a journalist it was great to be there too I remember I wasn't I was the first time I was struck by a missile was we were in Tahrir Square and the rival sets of supporters were really starting to go at each other so you had the the pro regime supporters who many of whom could have been paid by the government to be there and you had them sort of the pro-democracy supporters the young kids who kind of wanted more of a of a Western culture in Cairo and all of a sudden it just kicked off and rocks were being thrown people were ripping up the pavement and throwing their bits of cement and concrete towards the other side and I got nailed on the shoulder at one point by this rock that went flying through the air and so we just me and my cameraman Jimmy we sort of sked out all pretty quickly but I don't know if you remember at that point that some of the Egyptians were wearing like bread rolls that were taped to their heads and used as helmets to protect them against these rocks that were flying through the air they had these bread rolls taped to their heads it was like ingenious so how do these things work as a journalist from a major TV network do you go to like the director of news at night and say I'd like to go to Egypt and then he'd go mmm it was usually it was usually a pretty easy decision yeah because I'd be based in London and then you'd see something kick off and it was like we got to go to this yeah but you know I'd always call the boss oh yeah you know what do you think about this and he's like yep sounds good so then you just jump on a flight and go but you usually beat them to that like they're they're not going get on a plane we need you there was only one time when I was woken up was was when the Costa Concordia sunk oh yeah it was about three or four in the morning and I got a call from the foreign editor at the time who said there's a flight that's booked in three hours from Heathrow you got to get on it what's happening a ship is run aground just off the coast of Italy and there could be Australians on board so we want you to go and check it out see that was kind of masked in in like I guess it became a bit tabloid II over here because you know maybe he was rooting someone yeah a lot of people died on that boat yeah I mean I my memory sort of has gone a bit hazy but I know that I feel like there was more than a dozen people who got trapped underneath I just have to check that one I mean that when was that 2012 yeah 2013 I think that was so Costa Concordia right so there was 32 passengers in crew and one member of the salvage crew died yeah yeah yeah because they were trapped underneath it but I mean he he came in for a lot of stick isn't it the captain's responsibility to be the last one left he got the fucking book but he just he just jumped off yeah there was so much they reckon you know there was one there's the rumor that he was rooting around and like you know that that is what the why the boat crashed but there's another one that he was showing off to his was yeah he'd go past this island and he'd hit the horn you know it was just it was almost doing the fly by from Top Gun yeah well he ended up he ended up me and he ended up getting himself into a lot of trouble as he deserved to yeah yeah I can't remember his name I can't remember his name it doesn't matter what were you um so when did you you're in all of these different countries around the world all for all these historical moments and probably even before you left your brother was on today show yep yeah he was hosting today he spent a bit of time in that job as a correspondent no on today show on today show yeah he was there for 14 or 15 years I think I might even be the second most after Steve Liebman in in Australian history for breakfast TV what's the seven years all right yeah yeah yeah he was a correspondent yeah a lot of people sort of forget that but he was there for about a year a year and a half I think he always wanted to be there for a little bit longer yeah but the job came up and he had to go so I think I think he always looked on at the places where I was with some kind of envy but yeah I mean he's still got out there a fair bit but but yeah it's all always what he wanted to do is be correspondent yeah cuz he came in directly after the big man went Reagan no Oh Kerry yes the big story that I was Ronald Reagan dying how old your brother Kerry Kerry died I want to say in 2005 yeah that's what I reckon yeah I think he was in 2005 and I'm not sure they had to do with each other yeah didn't have to worry about the internet he yeah I don't think he would have managed the internet to go Kerry you know what I actually just read a book about Kerry and I think he was very skeptical of the internet yeah I wasn't sure whether it was gonna take off it was a phase it was a phase where is your new boss Rupert actually was on it yeah yeah he was he was on Twitter at like I think James Packer was actually quick to sort of get behind businesses that had a strong internet influence yeah but yeah Rupert would have been yeah yeah he he bought he bought MySpace for $300 million dollars yeah what's the story that wasn't that a bit of a flop yeah I had a MySpace account I think play your own songs yeah I think I had a stroke song is my went onto my page yeah you only live once he bought it off Justin Timberlake or something like that I'd urge our listeners to do their own research but I say a consortium of investors bought it off Tom yeah that guy the og guy yeah yeah who I think that consortium was led by hmm probably Justin Timberlake hmm and then he on sold that to News Corp for 300 million dollars and Tom got about that too yeah I was laughing he hasn't been hurt off since no why we done the perfect thing is either like he's like fuck this no one knows his last name no it's and Tom he probably bought Barbados and just live there now yeah and then Rupert just got in the cockpit and flew that thing into a mountain yeah where is MySpace these days I think you know what I do going there's I think there's 64,000 people in Australia who use it every day still really yeah I wonder if my page is still there I can't remember what my title was yeah but that was maybe Facebook I remember my mate I made a mindset at the time when when we were on my space he's having let's have a look at this Facebook thing should we give it a go let's get on this Facebook thing that was about 2007 and Facebook felt like LinkedIn the first time yeah pretty basic yeah where's all the colors with photos of two package and then and then there we go I think myspace actually did all right because every band and every band had a myspace page uploaded their music yeah there was a lot of yes I think the first big band to come out of that era was Arctic Monkeys and Lily Allen to you ended up making a career but they got to wheel on the right to the music that was put up hmm if it was like an unsigned band yes it was kind of I think they might have done I think might have something Pandora might have come out of that yeah you know and what was the other one the napster that was before that was yeah yeah that's what and that Napster is the reason why people don't pay for newspapers you know the Millennials anymore they just can't understand paying $2 for a newspaper it's like I never paid for an M&M album I've never paid the news yeah it's only inside a turn they yeah now which is which is a good post-trump people rushed for like a proper subscription I think it's particularly states I think if you want quality journalism then you have to pay for it where if you want some sort of news it's come either from us or from news oh yeah it's I don't think you should have to pay the news it's of our quality well you want to you should pay for your quality it's fantastic description yeah well you can buy a hat it's a beer wall the free websites are the ones with like crosshairs as the logos the real stuff you know the ones are talking about like Hillary you know as actually dying in that 2016 you know they said she was dying and they weren't telling anyway yeah and it's like look at her glasses they're tinted blue because she's got epilepsy so the cameras don't set her off I remember when you guys you guys wrote an article a long time ago about me and my brother having a um having a big Christmas we did do that we had some sources in the extended that was when we first became aware of the pituitary advocate yeah well I think is this we've been on a bender at mum's place the first people that we ever interviewed on camera was Carl and Barry Cassidy yeah we're just like well how about we go down to Canberra it was the libspill the libspill abbot survived and then we just asked Carl and he was like get ready I'll be over in 15 minutes yeah he's in a live crowd yeah at the end it goes it goes and we're out and then and then he just goes I'm done took the mic off and ran off. gentlemen hmm it's been a pleasure well it's good and you know Queenslanders recognize Queenslanders look after each other so it was good got us some good um gave us some good sound bites now it tells you you guys didn't grow up with a TV that's like the circulated kind of urban myth in your family no we had TV there we only had well I can only speak for myself but when I grew up in Cairns we only had two channels yeah so there was channel 10 and ABC and to our streams our friends up the road had yeah our friends up the road had channel 9 and channel 7 so it was like man how do you get some of that action? we had to listen to the state of origin on radio yeah yeah Roy and HG that was fantastic yeah that's the best way to do it did you ever try and watch the game and listen to Roy and HG so you'd sort of have their audio over the pubs would do it they'd turn off the fucking dribble now new job are you on the desk yes I'm doing breakfast I'm going back to breakfast which is which is exciting you've done yeah I've done I did the weekend today show for it for a couple of years on and off and that's tough I enjoyed it yeah yeah I mean but the funny thing is because Sylvia was doing it for about five years yeah and she was up at about 3 15 and I'd get up at about you know five or six and so now it's kind of flipped over yeah yeah yeah so the shoe is is on the other foot yeah it'll be it'll be good it's it's sort of back to my roots and news and you know we've got four hours of me and Laura and Laura is a fantastic political interviewer she does a great job and so I look forward to working with her and and sort of covering just basically hard news every day yeah so it's just getting to the political news the local news international news and business which is you know people don't have a great deal of time to get their news in the mornings you know so we just sort of want them and they've rolled out sky to since recently right it's on free to wear right across regional I was I don't think that's happening I don't I'm not aware of all of that kind of stuff but I think we it used to be on win TV but yeah I'm a bit confused with where we is at now because he used to be with nine when I was a win and now ten and well it was in the news did the other day that they're gonna yeah they cut down the newsrooms all that's a shame all of the newsrooms and I just yeah yeah I mean I did win win in rocky and win in Canberra and it was that was where I learnt all my mistakes it was it was a great time it's and you were right under pressure you had to write four stories a day yeah and you would love beef week then beef week beef Expo yeah rocky oh yeah that stuff we're up there last year carrying on but even in Canberra I had a great time in Canberra too yeah you know just just being at ground zero for for you know all the political stuff that's happening in Australia and I look forward to sinking my teeth into that now too and using the experience that I gained overseas you know covering everything that I covered when you're in Canberra you were you in the press gallery no I was at win TV so we sort of did the local politics yeah light rail light rail light rail you know you know 20 years later it's built Minister around and you know it was it was it was good fun thank you it was a good joint so you're heading back to breakfast television yeah back to breakfast does that mean the paparazzi have got the license to come back into your life now I don't know that they're much interested in me anymore I hope not anyway I never really got the fascination anyway but we got a hard news job yeah now which I guess make the wall horny yeah do you think that being on the today shows kind of gives them the green light maybe I'm gonna be like because you sort of in so many people's lounge rooms yeah yeah and and that's fine that comes with the territory hammer Sylvia though yeah they go after Sylvia yeah and they obviously they go after Carl yeah it was it your wedding wasn't aware a guy drove in yeah he drove into a dam in the next door yes I mean we did our best to keep that all private but yeah there was a friggin chopper up that day and I was like what is this you know what I mean who's like in that much money off I don't know wedding photos it was yes the paparazzi had hired that and you know we did our best to stop the roads and she get to get into the property it would be nice for us like we're actors yeah yeah something like that you know I mean Sylvia's sort of look at each other go we're just we're just Jonas fucking Jonas from Queensland that was unreal day but it was just that that was it well that was a bit much yeah yeah I suppose you know you live in Sydney you live in the eastern suburbs you kind of in the hotspot I mean even yeah even packer and gingel couldn't get away from them when they're having their little punch I wonder how I've always wondered how that happened you know that was just a stroke of luck for that photographer yeah you know just being Johnny on the spot there and then the extreme news caught watermark yeah well it's obviously worth some coin that was yeah yeah no it was fine we always laughed about that about how it was just so indicative of the different newspapers around the country courier mail in Brisbane was packer wacker which yeah same photo on every single one telegraph was a Bondi before was the NT news as I got a packer up my clock I had Harold son was packer punch like yeah I mean there's some there's some professionals in that department yeah yeah I've heard that a lot of sort of News Corp guys from England they do their time at the NT news to learn how to write those headlines are really because it's like just go to this newspaper that no one in corporate cares about and it's right the most outlandish shit you can yeah and then use all these skills to come back and write about people in the EPL yeah yeah well it's a national treasure yeah you get any inspiration from their headlines for your headlines yeah well we don't you know the tutor doesn't have any saltwater Crocs getting around but they they scrape the toast and then just stretch that out so far like a crocodile in a pool yeah it's just I reckon people are popping champagne in the newsroom when they find there's a crocodile in a pool in downtown Darwin oh man yeah it's it's a great joint Darwin too it is yeah you spent much time up there a fair bit yeah yeah it's a bit of a melting pot too you know yeah all kind of different trades up there yeah the intense thing about Darwin is that it's I think it's something like 70% male and the average age is 26 27 which is intense for the night life it's a sausage fest I'm good friends with Matt right the crocodile wrangler himself and you know he's got he's that he's the mayor the unofficial mayor of Darwin yeah before he before he and so he's the one that does the show yeah yeah before the outback wrangler yeah before he kind of had a dabble with media my mates went on a Bucks party that he hosted right out on the hovercraft yes and they said it was intense yeah I've been on one of those yeah he's crazy yeah he's a good bloke too and very handsome yeah very handsome guy yeah it helps it helps on on screen yeah the barefoot bushman he was knowledgeable but he wasn't he didn't pop on screen yeah just about to jump back into it really when's your next break from here I look forward to being busy yeah I haven't yeah what was fun it's funny because you can like I had never been unemployed before right so it was I've always been a hard worker I've been working since I was 12 so I've never not had a job so all of a sudden well we parted ways in December and it was like well I might just take it easy for a bit and just everyone was telling me just enjoy it because something's gonna come up soon you know so I have difficulty sitting still though so I tried getting out there and playing golf and and and I couldn't go traveling too much because it's sort of you've got a X amount of dollars that yeah that has got to get you through yeah period yeah so you need to ration it out you know so I was just reading books and and it wasn't long anyway before it wasn't long before Mark Calvert over at sky called me up and he says I've got a with there's a documentary we want we want to run the guys out of the Herald Sun have been steering the whole lawyer X story yeah you want to go and do a documentary on it I was like yeah that sounds great yeah it sounds like a great idea so we put that together that is next month and it was that's that's a great story yeah so you're in the ratings no we we did it yes so we died did it with Richard Andrews a producer and you know with with the heavy involvement of the two reporters Anthony Dowsley and Pat Carline and you know we spoke to victims and spoke to police and spoke to lawyers and a lot of people who were involved in that story and if you're not aware of Nicola Gobbo she was she's the big-time lawyer in Melbourne who was who was representing the crooks and tipping off the cops at the same time it's a it's a cracker do you reckon that there's a possibility these guys are gonna get out yeah there's very good chance Tony mock-bell for one yeah yeah he's uh he can go back to Greece he could do whatever he wants because if he's gone if he's gone to jail on corrupted evidence yeah you can't yeah and there's a lot there's a lot like for how many 20 yeah well well no she says she says that that her information that she provided to the police helps in the convictions of about 380 people I know that's very high gang that's that's varying degrees of help yeah but you're talking about I spoke to Zara guard Wilson who's who's one of the well-known gangland lawyers and she said realistically you're probably looking at about 20 people yeah who've got a good a good chance of of getting out of prison but you know the Victorian legal system they're probably not going to want to make that so easy so it we're talking about years of litigation this could take so but there is a very good chance that you know you people like Tony mock-bell could walk and he was sentenced to 30 years in prison yeah and that that and you know it feels like it was a knee-jerk to how embarrassing this is for metropolitan Melbourne that people keep getting shot at auskick yeah and so they've just said let's come up let's lock them all well then you wonder what could have what might have happened if Carl Williams was still alive as well yeah yeah fingers would've been better has Skynia's always done this no new type of thing because there's another one that's coming out um yeah it's an old blood new blood bad blood new blood yeah so David Spears has done that one yeah so there's been some more resources that have been put into the news division fantastic yes so there's the capability to be able to do this sort of thing now yeah so David Spears has got the story on basically the spill yeah right and now the ABC has got David gets right gift he'll continue to the end of the year but yeah but I mean this will be good yeah yeah yeah and and so you've got the lawyer X thing rolling out next month and who knows it might be other opportunities as well which would be great yeah yeah and so getting back to your question before I you know I look forward to doing all that class yeah you've had enough time off yeah yeah yeah yeah and so are you asleep enough like after breakfast you just that's the worst thing when you do early mornings it take it will take a year to get back in line I like I liked to get up early and go to the gym and get that out of the way yeah because otherwise it's hanging over your head yeah yeah and so I get out of the way and then you start the day and you're feeling fantastic yeah even though you've got nothing to do yeah it's funny yeah it's half past six fuck yeah yeah Sylvia would ask you what I did in the day and I'd be like well it's hard to say I moved from the couch to the kitchen back to the couch again that was fun but I'm the highlight I'm fit yeah I went to the gym earlier got that out of the way so I don't have to feel guilty lying on the couch and eating Doritos and watching sport there's a there's a question here our producer is thrown in which you can or cannot answer if you don't want to that Uber driver how many stars did you write him one one the one only because he can't give a zero you can't give a zero yeah you can remove the tip option too if you're a real really unhappy no no there's a tip programmed in that you don't know about and you can remove that if you're a sicker sounds like Peter would have done it do they know if you don't tip I'd say so yeah yeah maybe that's why my ratings going down are you a door slammer they hate that especially when he slams a door like even in my foul he hops out and it's like a gunshot that goes off in the passenger seat you know what's worse those when you get the the belt buckle caught in between the car yeah slam it and that's a that's a minus point yeah yeah so no no no it's a zero star one star but should have been a zero yeah it should have been a zero yeah I mean come on what a dog you know well you know he did what he had to do and for whatever reason and that's okay yeah you know it's okay whatever he did he did you just got to have a holiday now you're back in well thank you for joining us this week we should have had a few jars already in the job but no not yet got another week off I'll have to try but to the bitter another time yeah yeah we'll tee that up actually thanks for joining us Peter all the best in the new role my pleasure thank you very much for having me and it's good to be and good luck for you guys too thanks for coming out no worries |
SaturdayNightLive | italian_waiters_snl | This place is so cute. yeah, look at all those grapes on the wall. I'm so excited. Oi buena sera, please. Welcome to Angelino's Real Italian restaurant. And this is the most beautiful table I have ever seen. you take my breath away. Vela, Vela, Vela, Vela. smarter. I'll be right back with the main news. did he say smart? that's a compliment. maybe he likes you more. Buon Giorno, Scusi, I have a water for you. Bellissima, bellissima, bellissima, bellissima. and a funny one.
Sorry, do I look weird today or something? No, no, no. Now, let me guess, you are a model. Oh, you're a sweet, no, no. you are a statue. No, I'm a nurse. No, this is a crime. Okay, I try again. you are a writer. No, I'm actually an actor. I was even in a movie.
Yes, Babadook. What is my vibe today? Ladies, I want to introduce you to Chef Adino. he wants to give you a gift, a little bite. Yes, for such a beauty. you deserve something very special. Ooh, pretty.
Yes, I've got to put the phone for you. I've got to put the phone for you.
And for you. chili. chili, this is Huge. Oh, yes, a big boy, a chili.
Enjoy. Why do they even have that here? I think it's nice they made you something special. Yeah. ladies, do you have a question about the menu? Oh, yes, can I get the spaghetti with extra meatballs? Anything for you.
Now, I have a question. will you marry me? Oh, that is so sweet, but I'm already married. Oh, lucky man. actually, I'm married too. Ah, to your career.
Oh, my God. Jen, I don't know what's going on. those two guys seriously just have weird taste. Bon Anote, Bon Anote, candles for the ladies, huh? And let me just unscrew these lights.
What's your bid? En signora, your Harley-er Davison is leaking oil all over the street. can you move it? I don't drive a Harley. nope, my mistake. whatever. where is our waiter? Yes, sir. what can I do for you? can we just order?
And by the way, I actually am beautiful. Hey, everyone, it's beautiful. And you, most of all, because it's the kind that's on the inside. you know what?
I've had enough insults. I'm just gonna go home and have a salad.
Oh, the omee. Oh, this is so sad. was it something I said? yeah, everything you said. why were you like that to her? Oh, I must confess. whenever there's a group of women, we team up against one and flatter the others for more tips. is that bad? I mean, it was definitely working on me. I was gonna give the biggest tip of my life. But hey, you seriously misread our friend, by the way. What was that? Oh, it is your friend. she's outside. Look. so smart. Big-a-boy chili. big boy chili for your prettiest friend. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Gladys_Gladys_ICAC_Local_News_16_10_20 | Now wherever you are listening in the world today it is worth noting that as we go live on air at Desert Rock FM we are hearing that GLaDOS is gone. But it hasn't been announced officially yet so bear that in mind as we run through what were the biggest stories for us this week on the Matoota Advocate Weekly Bulletin. I'm Clancy Overall, joined today of course by Errol Parker, Editor at Large.
How are you Errol? Good mate, could be better, but it's Friday. It is Friday as we record this. And Wendell, how are you, the young fella, the cadet? Fighting fit, looking forward to another weekend, raring to go, how are you Clancy? I'm doing well mate, I'm doing well.
Chaos within the coalition government in New South Wales, that's been a big week in headlines. What news do we have first up? Well we're going to start off down there and one of our biggest stories we wrote this week was about New South Wales, now at that age, where they have to realise that Mum does have sex too. Yes that's right, the people of NSW, which actually stands for Newcastle, Sydney and Wollongong, have had to come to the very confronting realisation that Mum has needs too. Yes that's right, this comes after the much publicised ICAC hearings down in the developers capital this week, where amongst all sorts of allegations and revelations of corruption, it was revealed that Darryl Maguire and Gladys Berejiklian had been getting it on. I found that quite hot when I first heard it Darryl, I don't know about you, but there was a comment on that one from Raf Kosminski who said I don't care who she fucks, at least she can manage a state, Dan Andrews couldn't manage a park bench. Sounds like a Victorian that bloke, shut up mate, no one cares. That comment did stir a few people up, and we'll move along to another story we wrote that was NSW Premier to stand down immediately from dating anymore fuckboys. Yes this was a press conference a couple days ago, I started the week, the embattled Premier said she would stand down from rooting any more of these dead shits, or as the kids call them, fuckboys. But bear in mind that we are just hearing she might be standing down as Premier NSW as well. That's right, and she has since gone on a bit of a glow up, as the kids would say, she's finding herself, living her truth, she's joined F45 group fitness classes, erratically dyed her hair peroxide blonde, and kind of officially but not really officially and dating a bra boy in the form of former NRL star Renee Matour.
Sounds like she's really getting back on her feet, and in the wake of that story, the nation has revealed that it's just glad that this type of rampant corruption never happens on a federal level. Yeah it's great to know that we don't have any of these kind of ladder climbers and brown paper bag chasers at a federal level I think, I think it's great. I mean it is great because if it was the case we'd actually need a federal corruption commission but thankfully we don't because this kind of stuff is only resigned to state and local governments right around the country, in every corner of the country. Nothing creeps up any higher than that though. So if you were worried that maybe we would find a bunch of crook shit happening down there in Canberra and we might need a federal ICAC, we don't.
Yeah it's all good, and in some local news now, a student has rewarded herself with a four hour nap after successfully writing her name on the top of an assignment. Yes she absolutely deserves it, getting started on these kinds of things is always the hardest part, so she's pretty much halfway there now. And she'll get up early tomorrow and finish it off if she doesn't get round to it tonight. And at least she's not paying double for the privilege of lying around all day.
A real silver lining, and in another local story which sort of comes from the sports world, a bloke who hasn't had a girlfriend in a while, actually up to date with the Sheffield Shield. Yes the Sheffield Shield, which for our listeners who aren't interested in sport or indeed have significant others that distract them from watching state-based cricketing comps, is Australia's premier domestic cricket competition. It kicked off this week and local man Brad Wilkin couldn't be more stoked about it. The man desperately in need of a girlfriend, or at least in need of firing up a couple apps on his phone at the very least, has been streaming the cricket on his phone at his desk all week, his co-workers have confirmed. Yeah that Bumble app though, it sounds pretty great. I wish it was around when I was a hot-blooded young man.
That the one where you find those people to come to you those parties that you host, that you never invite me to? You know the one where you've got to put the tarp down in the living room. Nah mate, that's three fun. That's what that's called, and that's not necessarily a dating app, no. It can get really tricky for me and the missus to get age-appropriate couples to come join us, but we are a pretty liberal community in the Batutah swingers, so it serves a bit of a purpose. It's more of a bowling club, Magaccino connections really though. Well Wendell, now you know that you've got to start treating Clancy a bit like the Diamond Tina, where if he invites you over for a party, you know you as a handsome young man, I really wouldn't go.
Be warned you reckon. Oh well, I'll keep that in mind. Anyway on that note, I think we'll wrap it up. Thanks for tuning in and we'll be back again in seven days time with all of our biggest stories. Until then, see you guys.
You might need a federal ICAC, we don't.
Yeah it's all good, and in some local news now, a student has rewarded herself with a four-hour nap after successfully writing a name on the top of an assignment. Yes, she absolutely deserves it. Getting started on these kinds of things is always the hardest part, so she's pretty much halfway there now. And she'll get up early tomorrow and finish it off if she doesn't get around to it tonight. And at least she's not paying double for the privilege of lying around all day.
A real silver lining, and in another local story which sort of comes from the sports world, a bloke who hasn't had a girlfriend in a while, actually up to date with the Sheffield Shield. Yes, the Sheffield Shield, which for our listeners who aren't interested in sport, or indeed have significant others that distract them from watching state-based cricketing comps, is Australia's premier domestic cricket competition. It kicked off this week and local man Brad Wilkin couldn't be more stoked about it. The man desperately in need of a girlfriend, or at least in need of firing up a couple apps on his phone at the very least, has been streaming the cricket on his phone at his desk all week, his co-workers have confirmed. Yeah, that Bumble app though, it sounds pretty great. I wish it was around when I was a hot-blooded young man.
That the one where you find those people to come to those parties that you host that you never invite me to? You know, the one where you've got to put the tarp down in the living room and... Nah mate, that's 3fun. That's what that's called, and that's not necessarily a dating app, no. It can get really tricky for me and the missus to get age-appropriate couples to come join us, but we are a pretty liberal community in the Batutah Swingers, so it serves a bit of a purpose. It's more of a bowling club, mugga-chino connections really though. Well Wendell, now you know that you've got to start treating Clancy a bit like, you know, the **** the diamond-tainer, where if he invites you over for a party, you know, you as a handsome young man, I really wouldn't go.
Be warned, you reckon. Oh well, I'll keep that in mind. Anyway, on that note, I think we'll wrap it up. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll be back again in 7 days time with all of our biggest stories. Until then, see you guys. |
CrackerMilk | connor_quits_his_job | How are ya? Yeah, good. How are you? Yeah, I'm alright. Yeah? Yeah. I'm happy to be here on the Cracker Milk podcast.
Guys, I got a problem. What? What's wrong? I'm quitting Cracker Milk for good. What? Why? Yeah, I've actually... What?
I've been secretly going to university for fucking like five to six years, and I've probably accrued like hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. Who would go to university while also shooting Cracker Milk? I know, stupid fucking dumb thing to do, or dumb cunt thing to do, dumb cunt. I wouldn't do that.
But I got my PhD in medicine. Oh, pretty huge dick in medicine. Yeah, I got a pretty huge dick in medicine. So because of that, they let me be a doctor.
So I'm gonna fuck off, but I'm gonna go work... To like a hospital. I was thinking of bringing one of you as my nurse. Yeah, I could... If only one of us was often played feminine characters. Yeah. Well, I don't think a nurse needs to be feminine. That's a gender stereotype.
That's very fair.
Call me on that. I would love to play a nurse. Are you girly? Because if you're not girly, you don't get it. I'm really... I think I've learned a lot in the medical field, and I think my skills are very valuable.
What's this called? That's an elbow. Wrong. It's a weenus. That's a weenus, you stupid fuck.
Would you not go to grade six? Okay, we're gonna ask you... I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions if you think you're ready for the job. All right. Okay, ready? Yeah, hit me. How is... That's my answer. You just said nothing. You're just making me look like a fucking fool. You want this job or not? No, you said it. Do it again.
Are you looking at the subtitles? Listen, and look this time. Look at the subtitles at the bottom of the screen that Connor's gonna have to put in.
Oh, yeah. Yep, because I read the subtitles. I know what you said. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, okay.
Say I'm in the operating room. And there's like a long cartoonishly looking bone stuck in the body. And I've got like a set of tweezers and I've got to get it out. And I'm carefully pulling it out. And then as I'm reaching out, I hit the rib cage.
And the guy goes, oh, get out of my bedroom. Get out of my house.
Why is she on the floor? Dad, why?
And then there's a sound and the red lights light up. Yeah, what do you do? Well, I think in that situation, I bring out my amethyst crystal. And I would hold it close and I would find out what I would do in that situation. Because that's a really tough situation to be in.
So let's bring in our first patient. We're at the hospital.
Come in, sir. Hey. Hey, how are you, mate? I'm pretty good. I keep shitting my pants. Oh, no. And what's your name? Jeremy. Yeah, I'd love to help you. But I'm a GP.
So I sort of deal with more general problems and not fucked little redheaded kids who Tom knew when he was 13. He always smelled like shit when he'd come to school.
So I'm going to actually bring in a specialist. You can stay here and you might learn a couple of things. Perfect. So I'm just going to bring in my specialist. He works in crystals. It's really good healing properties, really powerful stuff.
So I'll just bring in Bryce. He's from Byron Bay. He's got a PhD. He's an excellent dude. So I'll bring in Bryce. Bryce! Hi, doctor. Hey, my name is Bryce. I'm from Byron.
I'm fucking, I'm a gem therapist for this session. Gem therapist.
Yeah. So I'm going to do this technique that we do at Byron where you hold your hand out, right? Yeah. So hold your hand up. I haven't washed it. Yeah.
I can notice there's a lot of what I thought at first were cancerous tumors, but I do realize now just little piles of shit on your fingers. I've got chunks of poo on my hands. I can't afford toilet paper. You've got quite a bit of shit in there, man. Well, it gets itchy from all the shit I do in my pants.
What's this red mark here? Yeah. Well, see in Byron, we don't know how to like read real well or like watch channel seven. So like what we do is we get each other's palms out and we, we read what, um, like, uh, uh, life-threatening medical conditions everyone has. And that's like entertainment in Byron. So, um, let me just have a look. What is it?
Look, this line, the next open cards you're going to open is the whole collection of exodia. That is, you're like the chosen one, mate. I'm Yugi from Yugioh?
Oh, hang on. No, you got prostate cancer. Sorry. Sorry, man. Got that one wrong. Sorry. And it's rapidly evolving. So I'm done. No, Jeremy!
That was gnarly, man. That was pretty fucking gnarly. Cause in Byron, we only know how to say gnarly.
Anyway. Oh, hang on. I'm getting a call. I've got to go.
Zach, everyone's in trouble. His abs are going to burst. Get out of here, Bryce! Run! Save him!
Hey, is this the hospital? Yeah, mate. Come on in. What seems to be the problem? Oh, well, uh, my name is, you might recognize me. I'm Pete Evans.
I am paralyzed from the, from the sole of the foot down. I don't think you're paralyzed, but we're going to run some tests. Okay. I must be. I can't feel anything from the sole of my feet down. Oh my God. Look at this. And it's all right. Look at the x-ray. It says right there, cunts fucked. The polaroid. You are paralyzed. Yeah. Oh my God. And yeah, you're right. It's from the sole down. There is a way to solve it. How can we solve my paralysis? We amputate you. Yeah. Just above the chin here. Straight down. Now that's going to allow you to continue to be a fuckwit on the internet. But what it's going to stop is, uh, you're going to not have to worry about being paralyzed because you're not going to have anything left.
You didn't notice the little thing just next to cunts fucked. What does it say there? Cunts already fucked. What? Oh mate. Is it the paralysis that's under the sole of my feet? I don't know how to break this to you, mate.
So I'm going to bring in our resident clown. He's a real jokester and he's going to come in and he's going to deliver the news to you. A bit of a gooster and a gaster.
Yeah. He's very funny, Blake. G'day everyone. How's it going? I've done so many interviews with you over the years. Yeah, it's me.
Koshy. And for people who are not aware, uh, um, David Koshy from Sunrise on Australian television. Channel 7 News.
I love it. Just, uh, it's good to be here. I'm just the resident clown.
You've got a joke. Yeah, I've got plenty. I've got plenty of jokes. When's your next joke coming out? I've got plenty of jokes.
Oh, well, you know, you'll have to watch Sunrise and figure that one out, won't you, mate? Because I'm Koshy. Oh, you got a, you got a, you got a fucking, you got any, um, gear?
We just kind of load up on meth and we start punching the drywall. Look, mate, I've just seen your results and, um, I've just been brought in because I had a light, uh, a light bit of fun. Are you providing laughter as the best person? Yeah, um, so I've got a joke for you straight from my joke book, okay? Yep. And I'm just going to deliver it to you here. I hope I laugh because then I'll be fixed. You have MS. Koshy, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
There's a dark underworld to breakfast radio. You've got no idea. There's no idea. What are we missing from breakfast radio?
What do you guys do? Every morning before we wake up with today, we, um, we get into a room with a, with a bunch of people in wheelchairs and we say, you're going to be our next guest. And then as we're entering in the studio, we take a sharp right turn and we just chuck them down the stairs and watch them flop about as they go nuts.
I read that one in your joke book. Yeah, it's in my new joke book coming out, Koshy's joke book.
Anyway, I've got to go tell a little kid he's got brain cancer, so I'll be off. See you later. What did I fucking tell you about bringing that up in front of people? Anyway, I'll see you later.
Hey look, I'm Pete Evans and my, um, my paralysis from the sole of the foot down, I can feel it better. I feel like I can feel the world beneath my feet. I feel one with the world now. I'm going to go now because I feel better from that laughter. You're most welcome. I'm so glad that we could have been of service.
Uh, the bill, uh, we will, uh, uh, email that to you from an email address. We'll also post it to your address.
It's public health. Can't we're not in America. Have you been billing our fucking patients? It's public health.
I got to pay for it. We don't need to bill people in this fucking country because we're not run by clowns. We got to pay for this medication. Somehow we don't pay for it. We earn it.
In the gauntlet. You're right. The medical gauntlet exclusive to this hospital. And it's the real reason I've told you here in front of you. There are four patients in front of you. Each of them needs a triple bypass.
Oh my God. Okay. You're going to perform it with, with, with a butter knife. Oh my God. Okay. And a copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Oh my God.
No, just a quick question. Am I allowed to bring in my own medical supplies? My, my crystals. I need just need the... Yeah, of course you can bring your crystals because we all know they do absolutely fuck all in the real world. Now the thing is, you need to meet your patients. Okay. So Bryce, come here. Come here.
Bryce has actually had some issues. Every time when he comes in for an MRI, we tell him he's got issues and he just starts furiously rubbing crystals against his body and says, I'm safe. And unfortunately he's got heart issues.
So, um, I don't, I'm not sure if it's, um, it's house MD here for first name house, last name MD. Hello? Yes. It's me house MD.
And he's here to fix you, Bryce. He's going to fix you. And, um, would you like to, I've got a bung leg and I'm going to be your patient. I'll get your patient for you.
Okay. Yeah. Perfect. Hey, God, it's me. Koshi, Koshi. Perfect. My look. Can I tell you something privately? Yeah.
That gear you gave me fucked my life up. And now I'm in this fucking operating room like a fucking piece of meat. You better fix me or I'm not putting you in my next joke book. Koshi, you said you wanted my strongest crystals. So I gave you the strongest. I had crystal meth.
Hey, how you going? How you going, Bryce?
You lost Zac Efron. He didn't make it.
I am, uh, you're a surgeon today. Dr house MD. I've got a bung leg and, uh, let me just carefully make the incision just in the center. And let me just, uh, step over here to get the anesthetic. Oh, I slipped because I have a bung leg.
Oh no, I've killed Bryce. You've just, you just killed Bryce. Bryce, what did you, what did you do? No, no. Fix him.
Oh, it's me, David. Koshi, it's great to see a couple of jokes while we wait for this. Crystals in the room. What happens to Batman and Robin when they get run over by a train? They come flat man and ribbon. These crystals have evolved me. Bryce, what's happened to you? You're different. I'm floating. I feel the world.
I need to go. Zac needs me. I can bring him back. Goodbye, Bryce. God bless America. Until we meet again. We've saved Bryce.
We need to save Kashi. What's wrong with you, Kashi?
Uh, too much meth in me system and me heart's gone awry. Nurse, I'm going to leave this up to you. What dosage do you think we should give him and of what medication? Two out of the four discs of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I reckon we break those up, shove those in there, cut them open with a butter knife.
I think he'll be right to go. Okay, get going boys. Just be safe down there in me Kosh pits, yeah? Kashi's not much without the Boshi, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the Kosh pits. Okay, he's in the Kosh pit. Kashi? Yeah, mate?
This is for never paying me for that crystal meth. What are you talking about? This is the just beautiful surgery I've ever seen. Give me those Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince discs. Why didn't you use anesthetic, you fucking bastard? Here's the DVD bonuses. Oh, thank you, thank you. It's the worst film.
Here's the box set of Futurama for good measure. That's not too bad, put that in there. The Webster's Dictionary. Yeah, put more in me! Put more in, Kosh! Here's the Nirvana album Nevermind.
Oh my god, yes! Here's every Bollywood film ever made. All right. The perfect clown. We've made him. Oh my god. Yeah, g'day, it's me. Gosh, he's truthful.
Darren Lockyer. Yeah, rugby league player for Queensland, and hey, a guy who says like this, and we had a good game out there, the better thanks for doing me a service, boys, I'm saving me, and he's got the ball!
No! Knock on ref! No! Knock on ref!
I'm House MD, I have a bong leg. Do you have any sports remedies? Yeah, there's one that you could do that a lot of us rugby players do, and that's take illegal drugs and then go out on the town, and due to your position of wealth and status, you can assault women, and then you can go to court for it, and you cannot get in trouble. That sounds like a great idea. That sounds like the state of our sporting history.
What if I piss in my mouth and someone films it? Will I get in trouble then?
Yeah! Oh, only then. Yeah, yeah, weird, weird world.
Thanks for watching everyone! Thank you guys! Thanks, thanks to everyone that's watching this, thanks to the Patreons this month, who are all patients of Bryce.
Okay. Yeah, with Obsidian Crystal shoved up their ass. Yeah, shoved up their ass.
Thanks everyone! Go to Patreon, watch our stuff on Patreon, vote on the poll so you can decide what new podcasts we're doing, and share this because... Please? Love you. Bye! |
SaturdayNightLive | christine_o_donnell_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Oh, come in. Mr. Jessup, Christine O'donnell is here. have her come in. Oh, boy. yeah. Hi. Christine, how are you? I'm Ted Jessup. this is Jim Boucher. All right, please, sit down.
So, Christine, Jim and I are handling the Rnc role in your Delaware Senate campaign. obviously, the Republican National Committee did not support you in the primary. but you won it fair and square. you are the Republican nominee, and we are behind you 100%. Thank you. it's nice to hear. Now, the latest polls have you trailing, but that's because of the media's fixation on trivial things from your past, like you're talking about dabbling in witchcraft on Bill Maher's show. you guys, I was 16. have you ever been 16? I was also your climate scientist to develop mice with human brains.
Mm-hmm. I don't even remember saying that, you know? But I guess I did. it's on videotape. Yeah. yeah. And of course, there's your anti-masterbation campaign. Oh. that was 15 years ago. it was in my early 20s. Come on. All right, listen, we're not worried about it, Ok?
If anything, the media's obsession with masturbation makes them look bad. it's creepy. Look, when I started that anti-masterbation campaign. no, Christine. Christine, honestly, forget it. it's old news. No, no, no, no, no. this is important. when I started that campaign, and I'll be totally honest here, I, frankly, did not understand what masturbation was.
Ok. it turns out I was confusing it with something else. I see. And as soon as I understood that, I totally reversed my policy on masturbation. Ok? yeah?
But you didn't hear that in the media, right? Nope, I did not.
I will have you know that I masturbate constantly. really? I masturbated this morning when I woke up. again, in the shower. then while eating breakfast. and in the taxi on the way over here. Ok, Christine, you know, you don't need to. No, and I'm going to tell you something else. in a few minutes, I'm going to want to masturbate again.
Ok, well then, we'll try to keep this meeting short. Yeah. well, Christine, here it is in a nutshell.: we're going to do everything we can to help you win the Delaware Senate race. But first, you have to help us Help you.
Ok, yeah. Now, is there anything else you can think of from your past? anything at all that might be problematic? Because trust us, it's going to come out. and when it does, we'll need a response. No? nothing. You sure? Yes.
Nothing in the new Bill Maher tapes?
No. no arrests? No. No traffic accidents? No. no Duis? No.
No. good. Good, Ok.
All right, we just need to be sure because this race is going to tighten up. and when it does, it's going to be a Real dog fight. you need to understand that. Look, please don't try to tell me about dog fights, Ok? I know all about dog fights. For your information, gentlemen, I used to run a business staging dog fights. Really? dog fights like Michael Vick? No. Much better than Michael Vick's. I've been to Michael Vick's dog fights. they were lame. Mine? mine had action. hardcore dog fighting action. really? you know, it taught me a lot about leadership and about running a business. you know, anyway, I was like 28.
Ok. Look, Christine, earlier, when we asked if there was anything else from your past, anything that could be used against you in a campaign, yeah? remember that? yeah. this is exactly the kind of thing we had in mind. you guys, no one cares. we should have a plan to address this. it could be a problem. All right, well, I'm going to let you two hot shots figure that out. me? I'm going to masturbate. that was good.
I am hungry. do you guys have anything to eat around here? Yeah, we're almost finished.
You know, while I was masturbating, I remembered something else. really? yeah, I don't know. it's probably nothing. go ahead. in college, I burned somebody's house down. wait, arson? Yes, but not for money, for revenge.
Ok, all right. Christine, I'm going to stop you right here because this is getting into a tricky legal area, and we probably shouldn't be hearing this. Oh, exactly. You know what? the people of Delaware don't want to hear about it either. they want to hear about the future and taking back our country and restoring the founder's vision, you know? things like that. Yeah. no, you're right. you're right. No, it's ancient history. So, anyway, I think we've covered everything here. Unless, Jim, you have something? um, no, I'm good. no, ok.
And, Christine, I know you have to get back to Delaware.
Yeah, I've got three events today, busy B. Ok. thanks for coming in. Oh, thanks for having me. Ok, it's my pleasure. Ok. good seeing you guys, Ok? good luck. Thanks. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Health_Checks_A_Brutal_Upgrade_A_Big_Stretch_More_October_14 | You just pick your title. What do you want? I do. Alright sweet. Well that's a made up title so it's a made up pay grade.
Moving on, what's going on with you lot this weekend? Oh look mate, just keeping my nose clean. Trying to stay out of the mischief this weekend. Behaving yourself? How about you Effie? Oh absolutely the same. I'll just be having a nice wholesome weekend for sure. I've been absolutely riding the lightning for the past few days Clancy. I might go to the dogs tonight and see if I can get myself, no just the greyhounds in Batutah Heights mate. See if I can get a bit of joy back in this weekend but other than that mate it's just average weekend. Laying low until Melbourne Cup I guess? No mate, I'm working on Sunday so we'll see how we go then mate.
What's making news?
Well starting off and ageing millennials have been encouraged to get their knees and hips checked out before the Blink 182 reunion tour. Yes and the most exciting news millennials have heard all year, Blink 182 has announced that not only are they releasing a new single but a strange member Tom DeLonge has rejoined for a 2024 world tour reunion tour. I hope I said Tom DeLonge's name right. I think you did yeah. Though there's been speculation mounting the past few months due to Blink 182 teasing an announcement, cynical fans were positive the band was simply announcing another stupid Funko Pop toy or something like that as they couldn't have their heart broken again. Yes this comes as the band members have all dealt with their own issues that would make a reunion difficult including Mark Hoppus undergoing chemotherapy for stage 4 lymphoma, Travis Barker forming PTSD from surviving a plane crash which he would and Tom DeLonge going on multiple side quests including forming his own shoe company, writing a children's book and I think discovering aliens or something.
I remember that.
However seeing as Blink fans are likely to be in their 30s and 40s now or will at least be in their 30s and 40s by 2024, doctors have urged everyone to remember that their joints don't work like they used to so please be careful before they open up that pit. Are there pits at Blink 182 shows? Well they're not running into each other but there is a mosh pit yeah. These guys are going to need a pretty soft kind of landing too if they're going to do any crowd surfing like they used to back when they were 23.
And up next Best Mate's little brother is way better value than Best Mate. Yes a recent report by all the lads has found that Boss's younger brother Bomber has actually grown into a real cracker of a bloke. This comes after the young fella came steaming into the pub on a Saturday afternoon and absolutely roasted all of his older brother's mates with classic banter while also drilling schooners. Once pigeonholed as the annoying little shit who always wanted to play Xbox with the older boys, Bomber has since developed into somewhat of a sicko fun boy while still retaining some of his little shit smart mouth. However Bomber makes it clear that anyone is welcome to ride the lightning with him tonight as long as they don't kill the vibe by talking about stupid podcasts or politics. This generosity which is now actually bordering on charity has been met with kind smiles from the veterans as it becomes clear that maybe Bomber is the best value of these two equally lippy clowns. Student becomes a master and up next a boyfriend describes repulsive human being as a good bloke deep down.
James Gretchen is alleged to have been questioned by his girlfriend Brie in a heated spat as she was pretty over his mate Jackson being slimy to all of her friends at every given chance. Yes this fight occurred just shortly after a house party which saw Jackson not only attempting to hook up with every single female in the room, every single female in a 10 metre radius but also saying some choice things to Brie herself including how good she looked in her hotter top. As she had implored why the fuck James was even friends with this guy Brie found herself questioning if James was a shitty bloke himself considering who he chose to surround himself with.
And James told this newspaper and I quote yeah I know he can get a bit loose on the piss but he's honestly a good bloke. I know you haven't seen that side of him but I've known him since we were kids and he's just awkward around girls. Yeah it's just like social anxiety or something I reckon.
Yeah give him another chance eh. Yeah give him another chance.
And lastly Australians once again treating their beautiful lettuce like shit as prices return to normal. Yes Australian shoppers are once again treating their fruit and veggies like absolute shit as prices finally plummet to pre-pandemic levels. Lettuce in particular is back where it belongs at the bottom of the crisper getting bashed around by complacent hands and capsicum and in many cases completely forgotten until after it decomposes into a dark green sludge. This return to affordable sandwich filler feels as if the balance has been restored to the universe. After a peculiar six months where heads of lettuce and butter lettuce were as valuable as truffles. During the great lettuce famine the cost of the everyday food items spiked as high as $12 after the last six months as flooding rains destroyed crops in New South Wales and Queensland. Australians are now rejoicing at the opportunity to take lettuce for granted and leaving three kilos of the stuff to just decay in the bottom of the fridge after using two individual leafs to make a nice sandwich.
That's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in to your weekly Da Tooda bulletin. Hooroo! Yes we truly are Western decadent pigs are we? How good is it? |
SaturdayNightLive | spanish_class_snl | Whoa, what did he say, Mr. Macintosh? si, si, Frize somewhere in there, a.k.a. nice. No, I think you mean arroz. Yes, yes, arroz, arroz, yes, arroz, of course, of course. So, Hugo likes Arroz, all right.
I am sweating a little bit. who else wants to say their favorite food? Okay, anybody else? Okay, Maria.
And to help us, we brought some back up. prima! I just think that we need to start from the very beginning.
El Alfajeto. The alphabet. Okay, here it is. mm-hmm. Si, si, si, el alfaje, a si, con la ca. |
TheOnion | Could_The_Use_Of_Flying_Death_Robots_Be_Hurting_America_s_Reputation_Worldwide | Well, in efforts to reduce the number of troops in Afghanistan, the U.S. military has increasingly relied on the use of unmanned predator drones. But after 10 years of combat in Afghanistan, is it time to take a second look at our policy of killing Afghan children with missiles shot from terrifying remote control flying robots? Well, for some answers on this, let's see what the first responders have to say. Hello, Duncan, Jason, Nancy. So first responders, could dropping bombs on Afghans without warning from terrifying robot airplanes that fly themselves actually hurt America's efforts to stabilize Afghanistan?
I think it's complicated. Not at all, actually. I think we need to stay the course. You don't change horses midstream, and you don't stop firing missiles from unseen death droids soaring high above the clouds just because a couple of schools get blown up. You know, I disagree with that. I mean, accidentally bombing children with our super army of automated missile firing bots may have worked great at the start of the war, but conditions on the ground have changed. I mean, we have got to find another way to obliterate this population. What about flaming bulldozers or 50-foot tall tanks? Yeah, because, you know, military experts do credit thundering death upon the helpless heads of Big Daddy farmers screaming like capricious gods with turning the whole Iraq war around. Okay, so maybe using a silent hovering genocidal computer is unavoidable at wartime, but let's do what we can for these civilians.
I mean, why not name the drones Billy or Steve to make them seem less dispassionate? That is a terrible idea. Billy is a horrible name for a drone. And Steve is even worse.
Well, you know what, some experts have suggested making robots that are more visually reassuring. This Pentagon report that was released saying that they're now developing a 40-foot robot that actually looks more like an American soldier and also sprays lasers out of his eyes.
Well, at least that's a step forward. Look, as long as it fires missiles and bombs with very little accuracy and zero Americans are at threat, I'm all for it. Good point. They should give it funny floppy arms. Yes. Oh, it should spray candy out of its chest a few minutes before it starts shooting everything. You know, geez, and that's actually a really nice gesture for the children who don't accidentally get mowed down by the bullets. Sure. Yeah. Well, thank you, first responders. Excellent debate. |
dropout | it_will_never_be_cold_again | Whew! It is picture on the cover of the VHS tape of porkies hot out there. Zach, what are you mailing? Oh, it's everything I own that's made for cold weather. I'm sending it to Alaska for the people there.
With the 90 degree weather we've been experiencing, I just can't imagine it'd ever be cold again. I know what you mean. Every summer I think to myself, it is so damn hot out it could never be cold again. But then it gets cold again. But this summer I think we'll finally be the one when it never gets cold again.
Hey, you guys know anybody in the North or South Poles who would get any use out of a pair of size seven fleece line boots? Six green sweatshirts, eight blue scarves, nine pairs of fleece line jeans and all of my bedding? No, but I'm just sending my stuff to Alaska in general.
I mean, they seem like nice people. I'm sure they'll dole it out evenly. Good idea. What are you guys doing?
Zach and Jevon are sending all of their cold weather gear to Alaska because it will never be cold again. Wait, what do you mean it'll never be cold again?
Have you been outside? Have you felt the sidewalk burn your feet through your shoes? Have you felt your skin get sweaty and then stick to another part of your skin that you didn't know that it could touch? I mean, it's hot out there.
I'm sorry, duh. I can't imagine it being cold again. So it won't.
Do you guys know anyone in the North or South Pole who might want my fleece line boxers? Oh, just send it to Alaska care of everyone. That's what we're both doing. What's up, James? Oh, hey, Katie. Why are you wearing 80 style SPF inside?
Oh, gave up my apartment and all other means of shelter. It'll never be cold again, so I'm just going to live in the wild, man.
Oh, I also say dude and man now. Oh, cool. Sent. Well, I did it.
I told my parents I'm never going to see them again. Since it'll never be cold again, it will never be Christmas again, which means I won't have any reason to go home, which means I won't see them ever again.
Sucks, but in the endless summer, come to daddy, right? Ooh. Speaking of daddy, is he guys watching Game of Thrones? I used to love that show, but now I just find it too unrealistic like dragons and white walkers I can get behind. But let's face it, winter's never coming. Yeah. Fuck that show.
It's impossible to imagine winter. Yeah, I mean, we can all imagine dragons. But imagining winter? I mean, that's just impossible.
Small announcement, guys. From now until eternity, we're replacing all of your desks with igloos. Oh, and the kitchen will only serve popsicles. And no more highlighters. Y'all can't be trusted.
I'm going to go grab a sandwich. Does anyone want to join me? Ooh, no. I had a big breakfast, so I can't imagine ever being hungry again. I'm actually getting my teeth removed later this afternoon. |
dropout | i_m_comfortable_not_soft | Oh, time to update that iOS, huh? Okay.
Oh, I forgot to mention, my friend from the East Coast is coming by for lunch today. Just a heads up, she's like pretty intensely about the East Coast. Which friend?
Matty Yankee. Yikes. Those names don't sound natural together. Yeah, it's crazy. Gweny! Hey! Oh my God. What?
Oh my God, you're wearing a sweater when it's only 60 degrees outside. Ever since you've moved to the West Coast, you have gotten so soft! I don't think wearing a light sweater makes you soft. Soft little sweater muffin. I remember back East, Gwenyn used to let me stuff snow down his pants until he fainted. But now, a please makes you cry.
Well, I never let you do that. I always had a big problem with it. How was your flight in, good?
Fine, fine, but Gwenyn, oh my God, your apartment is so big. Why do you need all that space, Gwenyn? Yeah, the apartments here are large. Do you even remember what it was like to live in a real city-sized apartment? Back East, Gwenyn and I lived in a converted closet in an active wardrobe.
We never once complained. We should have, it was bad.
But now, on the West Coast, Gwenyn gets so set when an apartment doesn't have floors. This is it. On the record, I have always liked floors and natural sunlight. All of a sudden, you need the sun, huh? What have I done?
Back East, it would get dark at 2 p.m., zero degrees. We had no heat, no air, couldn't breathe. Half our roommates died.
But now, the Gwenyn's in the West Coast, he needs to sun. Please stop. Step right up, step right up to Gwenyn's soft best. Tickets at $20, pro seats go towards kids dying of being soft.
Aw, that's so sad. Maddie, it's been a rather long day.
Maybe we can just put this topic aside and have lunch. Okay, fine. I'll line Gwenyn. What are you doing? I brought you this. Okay. This is just dollar pizza. You're welcome. You brought this on a plane with you.
Yeah, Gwenyn, it's food. The squishy shapes you put in your body that make you less hungry. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I know what food is.
Do you? We just wanted to kind of something healthier, so if we want to do this, maybe this is a better option. Ooh. All of a sudden, you're Mr. Vegetable, huh? Ha ha!
Did somebody call my name? I will remember back East, Gwenyn and I would eat dollar pizza at three a.m. because the city was flooded and everyone who could fix it were either too depressed or dead.
But now, Gwenyn is a little health nut who's spreading his softness everywhere. He's soft, contagious.
That's enough. Maddie, I love the East Coast. Famously, we did a whole sketch about it. That doesn't mean that I can't appreciate the things that are nice about the West Coast, like beautiful weather, bigger apartments, and the fact that in my 30s, I'm gonna be out of the sidewalk eating dollar pizza at three o'clock in the morning anymore. Sleep makes you soft. None of these things make me soft. They make me comfortable. Liking comfort and disliking discomfort is just reasonable. And I can still love where I come from and the friends that I made there. Fine, okay.
I can't believe you actually ate that. That's been in my purse for like a week. Mm, all from me. What, you gotta eat everything that's offered to you? You really have gone soft. The pfft! Oh, God. It's so soft.
What, you can't take the hustle anymore? What does this have to do with the hustle?
Hmm. Back East, I used to put food poison in button food all the time. And he never knew. What the fuck is food poison?
Are you sure no one needed me? You're my pal. She's your friend. I was just welcoming you. You sure? You're just throwing me under the bus?
And your version of one of these is going up. Okay. It's so good. Maybe another time.
I am to survive. But I will not. Hi, I'm Rekha.
If you like that video, subscribe to Dropout, where you can chat with the cast in our exclusive Dropout Discord. And once you sign up for that Discord, can you hook me up with your password? Because it ended up being a little more exclusive than we thought. I'm the only employee that got rejected. So yeah, if you could give me your password, I'd really appreciate it. |
TheOnion | VH1_Reality_Show_Bus_Crashes_In_California_Causing_Major_Slut_Spill | If you're just joining us, we are covering a developing story. We go back now to Southern California, where a VH1 bus crashed just a short while ago, spilling more than 2,000 pounds of slut onto Interstate 5 near Palmdale. The bus was transporting contestants for the new VH1 reality series, The Road to Knoxville, in which 18 scantily clad young women vie for the heart of divorced stuntman Johnny Knoxville. Officials there are struggling to control the spread of slut, which has already polluted the roadway and is spreading now down a hillside into residential areas.
Let's go live to Onion News Network's Brian Scott, who's live on the scene. Brian, what's exactly going on out there?
Well, it's just horrible, Ana. The highway here was not pristine to begin with, but now it's covered in all of this orange skinned slut. I've only been here an hour. I've already seen four three-way kisses and six tattoos with misspellings. And downwind, the stench of perfume and tequila mixed together is pretty difficult to stomach.
Well, it sounds like quite a scene. I understand that the sluts had been loaded onto the bus in Huntington Beach early this morning, is that right? That's where it began, yes. The sluts were being transported from a negligee-wearing rock climbing contest there to a girl-on-girl paintball match when the crash occurred. There's been speculation, in fact. The accident was actually caused by some slut leaking into the front cab on the vehicle and getting on the driver.
I see. Now, the local fire department is just not equipped to handle something this toxic. No, yeah. The problem is that we're very close to the San Gabriel River, and officials are concerned that the sluts might go skinny-dipping in it or think it's a hot tub and make out in it. Oh my gosh, yeah.
But we should say, too, that the crews, they're doing their best. They're just trying to keep these sluts contained with impromptu strip-offs and shooter contests in the ditch behind me. Now, we've just gotten word that VH1 has issued a statement. It's on their website. It says they are fully committed to the safe handling of sluts. Yes, but the EPA has urged VH1 to use perhaps a more diluted form of slut than this highly concentrated slut they use now. Yeah, sounds like good stuff, but I don't think VH1's going to ever go for that. Brian, stay safe out there, and don't fuck any of those sluts. |
dropout | Like_My_Coffee_Game_Changer_Full_Episode | Get ready for a game changer, tonight's guests. I'm actually me daddy, it's a Mike Trapp.
Hey, hey, how tall is he? He'll never tell, the cheeky Grant O'Brien.
Oh, oh, the pen is mightier than the sword. Erotic novelist, Jess Ross. Ooh.
And your host me, I've been here the whole time. This is Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show. I am your host, Sam Reich. I'm joined today by these three lovely contestants. Now, you all understand how the game works?
No.
That's right, our players have no idea what game it is they're about to play. The only way to learn is by playing. The only way to win is by learning, and the only way to begin is by beginning. So without further ado, let's begin.
Players, you'll each of you find buzzers below your podiums. If you would do me a favor and bring those out on top of your podiums.
Players. You had a point, I would deduct it right now, motherfucker. Ah, we found the loophole. You can't lose if you have no points. Players.
I like my lovers like I like my coffee.
Jess. Weak. That's a point for Jess. Trapp. Absolutely full of milk. That's a point for Trapp. Grant. On ice. What does that mean? I like dead people. I'll give you that. That's two points. For Grant. Jess.
Hot. A hot lover.
I'll say as a late entry, Jess, I think you maybe could do a little better, but I'll give you the point. Burning my mouth. I like that better. That was more worthy of the point.
Trapp. Bottomless. That's a point for Trapp. In this absolute chaos of a round one, we have two, two, and two points. Players.
I like my lovers like I like my cars. Grant. Fast. I'll give you the point, Grant. It's early. Capable of time travel. What car are we talking about here? A DeLorean. I'll take it, Jess. Like I said, it's early. We're not feeling ungenerous today. Grant.
Yeah, I have to give it to you, Grant. That's a point for Grant. Jess. Pre-certified. I'll take it, Jess. Hell yeah. Grant. Expensive. I'll take it, Grant, but I'm gonna keep you at four points if only because I think your other one was a little weak.
I do also have to say, that's not how I like my cars. I like my cars very cheap. That's how you like your Honda Civic, yes.
A little damaged, but fixable. Damn. Romantic. Wow, whoa.
I can fix it. Trapp, you can't fix it. No, I can fix it. No, no, no. You can't fix it, Trapp.
And then our connection will be even stronger than ever. Trapp describing me in high school. I like my lovers like I like my yard work.
Grant. Green. As in?
Inexperienced and virginal, Sam.
Very good. Very good, Grant. I will take it. This point for you.
Jess. Watching someone else do it. Yes, Jess. Yes. Brilliant, Jess.
Two points for you. Oh, yay. Bringing you to- 1,000? Six. Oh, okay. Close. Trapp. Neglected. I'll give you the point, Trapp. Very well done. I like my- Oh, Grant. It's over. Dirty. I'm moving on. I like my lovers like I like my dental checkups. Just a little bit painful. I'll give you that, Trapp. For sure. Bringing you to five. Jess. Quiet.
You like your dental work?
Yeah, they always want to talk in the middle of it. And I'm like, I obviously can't speak right now.
And that goes for your lovers as well. I'll give you the point, Jess. Bringing you to seven. I'm in the middle of something. Trapp. Leaving me numb. Ooh. That's very good, Trapp. I'm going to say two points.
Jess. Every six months. Jess!
I don't like sex.
You are killing it. Two points for you. Bringing you to nine.
Grant. Covered in lead. I'm moving on.
I like my lovers like I like my parents' house. With my parents inside.
Oh my God! I hate it, but it did make me laugh.
I'll give you the point, Grant. That brings you to six. Grant. With a cat named Fred. Absolutely not. Grant.
With a liquor cabinet that sees a lot of use.
That's pretty funny. I'll give you the point. That brings you to seven.
Jess. Worth $300,000. Holy shit! Two points for Jess. Bringing her to 11.
Trapp. Getting more valuable with eight. Rather quaint, but I like it, Trapp. I'll give you the point. Bringing you to eight. Grant, you're clearly going for quantity instead of quality. Watch out, my friend. It's a strategy. Yes.
I don't remember. No, why would you?
Players! That brings us to the board. Categories are, sex with me is like, are you a blank? Because, you know, the style of the pickup line. Sure. Or threesomes are like blank. We'll start with Trapp. The board is yours. I'll take sex with me for three, please. Sex with me is like a Sunday newspaper.
Like Trapp. Bigger than you thought. Mm, mm, mm. Wow. That is well done, Trapp.
That'll be two points for you, bringing you to 10. A Kathy quote will come up. We'll say one point, Jess.
It did make me laugh.
Grant. Joe Biden's gonna come inside. I don't think I'm gonna give it to you, Grant. I think you're quickly becoming the heel of the episode. It's back to the board. It is now Grant's.
No, no, don't give that one to me. No, no, no. I like the pun. Grant, I'll give you the point. I don't want it. Oh, he doesn't want it. Nevermind. Take it away.
Are you a flat earther? Because I want to take you to the edge.
Oh, that's good. Trapp, that's what this game is all about. That'll be two points for Trapp. I thought that was exceptionally clever.
Jess. Yeah, let's do threesomes are like for four. Threesomes are like the war of 1812. Hmm. Jess.
Dads don't participate in it, but they're obsessed with it.
Yes! The mind on you. That's three points for Jess Ross. Hell yeah. Not as memorable as the first one, but arguably more important. I like it, Trapp. I see where you're going with that. I'll give you the point. Great. We're back to the board. Mike Trapp.
Let's do R-U-A for three. R-U-A for three.
It's time for a mini game. Very simple how this game works.
Grant, if you could take a quick step back so that all of you can face each other. We are going to take turns saying the word daddy as sexily as possible. Oh my gosh.
The first person to laugh is out. The second person to laugh is out. And the third person wins the point, or points, starting with Trapp.
Daddy. Grant. Daddy. I hated that. You got yourself out, Grant. I'll sit right here. It is Jess versus Trapp. Daddy.
I can't believe I won. Jess takes it home. Let's call that. A thousand. Good guess. You know, the mini games are significant, Jess. I think let's give you three points, bringing you to 18. Wow. The score is headed into round two. Trapp with 13, Grant with seven, Jess with 18. Grant, the board is yours.
A threesomes are like for one. Threesomes are like a game of twister.
Jess. Difficult if you have a bad back. With personal relevance. Yeah. Yeah, I'll give you the point. Yay. Grant.
Stop when you see red. Oh, God. That's not how a twister works, though.
The reds are on the one, it's the farthest away one. They're far away.
I see, I see. It still made me laugh.
I'll give it to you, Grant. Thank you. Bringing you to eight.
Fun in theory, but rarely happens.
Really good, Trapp. Really good.
As usual, your B is another person's A. I'll give you two points for that. Great. Bringing you to 15. Back to the board and Jess, I believe the board is yours. Let's do sex with me for five. Wow. Ooh. Sex with me is like maple syrup on a hamburger. Grant. It's gonna taste sweet and just a little bloody. Heard an ooh from the crew. I'll give it to you, Grant. I don't want to, but I will. I had an alt on that. Sweet and a little fatty. Ooh. I like it, Jess. I'll give you that point as well. Thank you. Sticky fucking meat.
I wouldn't accept that I've already like traced this line around the three of you. And so I think I'm obligated to give you the point. One for you, Trapp. Grant. I want them all between the buns. The thing I like most about yours, Grant, is the way you stare daggers into me when you're done. It's almost like you dare me. It's like, no. I will give you the point.
Disappointing. Enjoyed by little freaks.
I like that a lot, Jess. I'll give that point to you for sure. Let's go back to the board. Oh, Jess.
I'll give you two points. Bringing you to 23.
Sex with me is like maple syrup on a hamburger. Nobody wants a taste. Yes, that's good, Trapp. I'll give you the point. Sex with me is like maple syrup on a hamburger. Everybody wants a taste. Sex with me is like maple syrup on a hamburger. Some people want a taste.
Neither of you. All right. Back to the board.
I'll do R-U-A for five. R-U is state of the union address.
Because you're really, really long. That is funny, Grant. I will give you two points. Bringing you to 12. Because you've got me half standing. Yes. Very funny. I will give you two points. Bringing you to 19.
Because you've got Nancy Pelosi covered in white. When you approach someone at a bar, what do they think you mean when you say Nancy Pelosi? They think I'm referring to Nancy Pelosi.
The actual person. The speaker of the house. So you, in the context of- Frankly, frankly, a hero of American democracy that is under discussed.
Not as far to the left as I'd like her to be. Terribly effective as a speaker. With an unruly caucus at the moment. But she's frankly doing a lot to keep in line.
And in this context- The man gets up from the bar at least. I'm just not here to call them out.
I'm going to give you two points, Grant. Grant, what'll it be? Hey, you know what?
Sex with me. For one. I'm good at that. Child's play. Sex with me is like a fire drill.
Nobody takes it seriously. Two points for Jess. Neither of you. Sure, I thought this was an easy one.
It's going to cause a ringing in your ears. Oh, damn.
Sexy. I'll give you the point, Jess. Very sexy.
Grant. There might be a Dalmatian. Now, what do you mean by that? You know what, Grant? I'll give you the point. Incredible. Sure. That brings us to Jess.
Threesomes are like, for two. Threesomes are like a tandem bicycle.
Grant. Everybody gets a ride twice. Yes. That's a little mathematical to boot, Grant. I'll take it. Two points. One more person than you're used to. That's really good. Technically correct, which is the best kind of correct. I'll give it to you, Trapp. Someone's going to have a view of a butt the whole time. Straight down the middle, Jess. Two points. Grant. When I picture them, I picture them in Amsterdam. What? I love that, Grant. I do picture them in smaller European countries. Two points for you, bringing you to 19. Hard to tell how much the other person is into it. I'll give that to you, Trapp. Yeah. One point, bringing you to 22. Grant. There's a really long chain.
Do you see? Oh, I like it, Grant. You gave me the point. It's a pun. Sorry, could you do that for just 30 more seconds? Yeah, do you see? There's a person here and a person here. Sure. So, anyway, I'll give you the point.
It's important to wear protection. I like it, Jess. It is important to wear protection.
I'll give you the point, bringing you to 29. We're back to the board. I think we're all the way back to you, Trapp.
Let's do sex with me for two. Sex with me is like running a marathon.
You're going to be bragging about it for the rest of your life. I like that a lot. I'll give you two points, bringing you to 24. Grant. You're going to need to suck some goo by the end of it.
Another ooh from the crew. Incredible. Another ooh from the crew.
Gross, and I like it. I'll give you two points, bringing you to 22. Trapp. You're going to rise early. Oh. Yeah, I'll give it to you, Trapp. This is why the other person has a penis. Absolutely. It's repetitive. Sure, Jazz, I'll give you the point. Trapp. I don't know why anyone does it. I'll give you the point, Trapp. I'll bring you to 26. You're going to want to give up halfway through. That's very funny, Jazz. I like that a lot. I'll give you two points, bringing you to 32.
If you search on the internet, you'll find a video of a lady shitting herself in the middle of it. What?
Oh my God.
I don't know why. I don't know what you're winning at exactly, Grant. There's like a different game that you're destroying.
Sure. That was pretty good. I'm going to give you three points, bringing you to 25. Let's get out of here, Jesus. That brings us to Grant.
Threesomes are like for three. Threesomes are like a turkducken.
Yes. Greasy. That's probably true. I'll give you the point, Jazz. Grant. Everyone's getting stuffed. Oh. Everyone is getting stuffed. One point. Grant.
Threesomes are like a turducken. They're unnatural.
This is Grant's Puritan side coming up. Making a part of a conservative preacher. Why do you have to do Nancy Pelosi not being left enough? I'll give you the point. Grant. It's about three souls coming together to create one beautiful thing.
Jess. How moving. Yeah. If you're a turducken fan, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah.
I'll give you two points. Trapp. Threesomes are like a turducken. I've never had one. I like that a lot, Trapp. Two points, bringing you to 29. Grant. Threesomes are like a turducken.
There's a duck there.
It's like you're burrowing lasers into my brain. I fucking dare you to give me a point. I will not take your bait.
We're going back to the board. Now it belongs to Jess.
Did we do, are you A for one? Are you a flip phone?
Because you got my fingers busy. Whoa. That was quick on the draw, Trapp. Very well done. I'll give you two points, bringing you to 31. Grant.
Because I had you in the early 2000s. So in this scenario, you go up to someone because you recognize them. As someone I had sex with in the early 2000s.
Yes, I will give you the point. Jess. Because you have a snake that keeps getting longer and longer. Yes! My God. Two points.
Grant, are you a flip phone? Because I'm going to shove the antenna inside.
You have gotten more crew ooze in this episode than ever before in Game Changer history. Hey crew, go fuck yourself.
It's back to the board for Trapp. All right.
Let me do sex with me for four. Sex with me for 400.
It's time for another mini game. It's the old College Humor classic, sex toy or dog toy. This time with an expert to help us determine what the sex toys and dog toys are. If this isn't a dog, I'm going to be furious.
Introducing now, Grant O'Brien's favorite porn star, Ty Mitchell.
Oh my God. Hi baby. Oh my God. Holy shit.
Sam, I would have been trying harder at this game. If I'd known I was trying to impress someone the whole time. No, you were, I was one of those ooze.
This is incredible. You're making us lots of money, baby.
Yeah, I'm doing my best. Yeah, I'm trying.
This just became painful watching Grant flirt. And speaking of painful, let's take a look at those sex toys.
Thank you for that brilliant transition.
The score is headed into this mini game. Trapp with 31, Grant with 27, and Jess, far in the lead at this point, with 37.
First up, this item, Ty, let me ask you, before I throw it to our players, what do you think, sex toy or dog toy? I think this is very obviously a sex toy. It's definitely for a part of an anatomy that I don't possess, but I could see how you could misunderstand this to be a dog toy. Like Trapp, what do you say? I'm going to say it's a sex toy.
Grant O'Brien. So when you were filming the Cock Destroyers, I'm going to say, I'm going to say a sex toy. You know, I'm not really playing anymore. So dirty, Grant.
Yeah, I am. Oh God. I'm in the middle of something.
Sex toy, yes. I've got three sex toys and three corrects. That's points for all three of our contestants. Ash, could you bring out the next sex or dog toy, please?
We'll do a quick swap. Ty, before we get going, what do you think?
I think this is very plainly obviously a sex toy. Okay. Good for pleasuring two at once. Ah, yes.
You have to be careful with these things. I think they do come cheaply because you kind of want to- Hey, I come cheaply. I don't.
He's even good at that.
I'm crying a little bit. You want to cry a little harder?
Hot damn! Give him a point. That's a point for Ty. Let's get Ty back in one of your roles. Surely. Trapp, what do you think?
Sex toy or dog toy? I'm going to say a dog toy for this one. I do think it looks very sex toy-like, but I'm going to go dog toy.
Okay, Grant. I agree with Ty.
I think that's for two holes. Well then you can put a third hole anywhere you want.
Jess, what do you think?
I would give that to my dog. So I'm going to say dog toy. So we have dog toy, sex toy, dog toy. It is in fact a dog toy. That's points for Trapp and Jess and not for Grant. I could use that as a sex toy though.
I don't know why I looked right at you. I don't know what to do right now. Let's bring out the next one, Ash.
Place this on my windowsill. Yes, Ty brought these all from home. Here we've got this lovely little item here.
Ty, what does your better judgment tell us? I knew I'd see some avocados when I'm visiting Los Angeles.
Of course. It's definitely not a sex toy for a particularly well-endowed individual. Yes, right.
I don't want to clock you or anything. I am a small man.
So you might assume that this is a dog toy, but I'm going to have to say based off my expert opinion, this is definitely a sex toy. Trapp, what do you think? I do think this one is harder than the other ones. But I think that the hole on the bottom to me reads as like, reads as more put peanut butter in me, not put dick in me.
So I'm going to say that's a dog toy. Dog toy.
All right, Grant, what do you think? Sam, I know you. Yes. And I feel like this is maybe a trick. Really? I'm going to say that's a cat toy. Because I think that looks like the kind of thing you could put catnip inside of. Grant, you dare to think I would change the game on you just like that? Yeah, I do think that, Sam. Yes, that's what I do think. Jess, what do you think?
I'm going to say that it is a dog toy. The answer is a dog toy.
Great, okay, okay. Let's swap this out, please. Oh my goodness.
Oh, come now, Sam. Come now? Come now.
Well, you can with this. Ty, you've been very consistent so far.
What do you think, sex toy or dog toy? I know what this looks like. It looks like a dog toy, I know.
But Sigmund Freud wrote a lot about this device. Sure, yeah. It's a daddy toy. What I'm saying is that it's a sex toy, you know? Kind of, but more of a like sex like device. Yes, sex tool. Yes, yes, yes. Sex tool. Yeah.
Thanks, Grant. Hey, I've got your back.
Trapp, what do we think?
I'm going to say sex toy. Where are you putting that? I'm not putting it anywhere. And I think some people can get creative with that. I'm going to say sex toy.
Grant, what do you think? Sam, I think you're screwing with us.
I think you could put that on the corner of like a wall and your cat could rub up against it and spread its scent and that's what all the teeth are. So I think that's a cat toy. Jess. The idea of putting that in my vagina. Don't dock it till you tried it. I think that is a dog toothbrush. I think you would put toothpaste on it and it would clean their teeth.
Oh, wow. Or you could stick it up their butt. Three great guesses. Only one of them right, Jess. It is a dog tooth. Oh, well. That doesn't prove anything. Ash, can you bring out the next one, please? Look at this color of a sex toy.
Oh, now this is hard. This is hard. What do you think, Ty? This is a tricky one.
I know. You're throwing a curve ball. I know.
I'm here as an expert. I'm here as an expert to influence how you all played the game.
And so I want you to take my opinion seriously that this is a dog toy. Interesting. The first time that Ty has said dog toy this entire game. I'm sorry. I mean, it's a toy for when you're pretending to be a dog. Thank you for the clarification, Ty. That was obvious.
Trapp, what do you think? I'm going to say sex toy. Grant, thoughts? Yeah, I still think that's like a, oh, see? So I think it's a sex toy.
Please continue. I won't give my reasoning. Jess.
I think it's a sex toy and I will give my reasoning. I think you take your penis on a little walk. It does a little pee-pee outside and you bring it back in. That's how you meet the other penis owners in your neighborhood.
Yeah, yeah. You chat a little bit. Three sex toys. Three, correct. Uh, Ash, could we have our last object, please? Ty, what do you think?
Sex toy, dog toy? I think you can see how this would be a dog toy in the sense that it's a ball, which dogs famously love. Their whole deal. But I wouldn't play with a dog with an electronic ball unless it was an electronic dog popular in the early 2000s.
The future's a crazy place. I'm going to just make it clear that this is a sex toy, in my expert opinion. What do you think, players? Starting with Trapp. Now, I don't know what this is. 50-50 shot. Uh, I'm going to say dog toy. Grant, what do you think?
It's gotta be a sex toy, right? I think a lot of stuff like, this is more cat toy stuff. There's a lot of like automated shit where it's like, yeah, I have a dog, but I can't be bothered to do anything with it. It's just a little robot that can like drop treats everywhere. Trapp's right. I'm going to say that's a cat toy. Sam, I think you're screwing with us. That's a cat toy.
Grant digging his own grave, even further into the ground.
Jess. I mean, I'd sit on it. But I think it's a dog toy. How about that reveal, Ty? This is in fact, I hope it's a sex toy. Oh! It doesn't have like a ton of depth, actually.
So, it's perfect for you, Sam. Thank you so, so much. Thank you so much for having me.
We got all this way to be our expert. The score is headed out of that mini game. Our Trapp with 35, Grant with 30, Jess with 42.
Wow.
Grant, what do you say? I'm going to go with R-U-A for two. R-U-A Tim Burton movie because?
Trapp. You're a hot topic. Doesn't make any sense. Move on. It makes just enough sense for me to give you a point. Trapp.
Jess. Because I bet you were better 20 years ago. This is a- This, Jess?
You're negging. You're negging them. You're cutting them down to size. They go, ooh, she's a bitch.
I'll give you a point. Back to the board. I'll take what's remaining. I'll take threesomes are like five. It's the final mini game.
Oh my goodness. Oh my God.
Here's how this is going to work, gang.
We call this sex moves. I'm going to give you the name of a sex move. You tell me what that sex move describes. These are not real sex moves. These are made up sex moves.
You just tell me what you think they could represent. I'll pick my favorite.
There are three of them all together. Number one, the windshield wiper. Starting with Trapp. That's where you swipe your dick back and forth in front of your lover's glasses. Oh my God. Grant. That's when you have sex on top of a lot of crushed up bugs. Another crew ooh. Chaz. It's when there are two penises and boobies and the penises windshield wipe the boobies.
I liked all three of those, but especially Trapp's. And so Trapp, I will give you two points.
Not a bad answer, I don't think. I'll go to Jess X. The hometown hero is when your lover is lying on their stomach and you plant a flag in their butthole. I think that's the war of 1812.
Trapp. The hometown hero is when you sort of check out the trap for a while, but then come when no one expects it. That's very good, Trapp. I will give you that as well. Ooh. Trapp sneaking up on Jess a little bit.
Finally, gang, it's 19ing. The number 19ing. Beginning with Jess. 19ing is when you're 30 and you lie about your age to have sex with a 20 year old.
Very good. I will go to Trapp next. 19ing is 69, but taken down about 50 notches. Sounds about right. Grant.
When you have sex in an NYU dorm for the first time, but you say you're very experienced.
Like me, like me. It's a story about me. Very funny across the board.
I think I'm gonna give this one to Trapp too. Ooh, that's sweet. Of course, at the end of our game, Trapp with 42, Grant with 30, Jess with 43. Ooh.
That means that Jess is the winner of this episode. Jess, you win all of these sex toys and dog toys featured in this episode. They are yours. You have to remember which ones win. I am Sam Reich, reminding you that sex with me is like Game Changer itself.
It's now streaming on Dropout. Good night. |
dropout | honest_family_holiday_when_you_re_an_adult | Happy holidays, girls. It's so nice that you could finally take three days out of your busy lives to come and visit the two people who cared for your every need for 18 years. Aw, we're so happy to have you guys cooking and cleaning for us again.
Look, more presents! I'm gonna need everybody to show me constantly how much fun you're having, or I'll be completely devastated. This gift is from both of us, even though I picked it out and paid for it. Wow! I'm generally very excited to get this tie, even though I'm retired and won't ever be able to use it. Kelly and I definitely failed on your present, but somehow you're still happy, so that's great.
Yes, because even though you raised us, we literally have no idea who you are or what your interests are. Aw, I'm very closed off. I'm sad hugging you and seeing how frail your body is becoming.
Same. I'm gonna crash so hard in an hour. Now, now, girls, remember that if your mother doesn't think you enjoyed every moment of this day, then I'll be the only one left to console her when she cries later. Now might be a good time to take our yearly family photo for the holiday card. That's right. We need to brag to people we barely know about how happy we are. I'll get it.
I wish I hadn't. Oh, holy crap. We thought this only happened in movies. I hated that. I went to high school with some of them and hoped to never have to see them again.
I'm gonna need all of you to tell me how much fun you're having or I'll die. We're sorry we only gave you a few gifts, so there's a bunch of cash in an envelope. Hell yes. This is what I was actually hoping for. This makes me feel so guilty. I'm a lawyer and I make way more money than all of you.
That's too bad the whole thing only lasted 15 minutes. That's all we have planned for the entire day. Oh, I have an idea. It's been the entire rest of the day doing the exact same traditions we've been doing since I was six. Sounds boring.
You're so obsessed with the past. I wish I were a child again. I can't stop aging. Make it stop. Oh boy, a movie from the early 90s. I'm gonna try and ignore my dad's laughter at all the outdated offensive jokes.
I'll get it since nobody else is going to. Girls. It's your least favorite and only living grandparent on the phone. Hi Grandma.
We have nothing to say to you. You can't understand me. Cool. Well, here's a weak excuse for why we have to get off the phone already. Okay, you can't understand me.
Let's get back to our traditions. I'm gonna participate for half an hour and then I'm gonna spend the rest of the time on my phone. Same here.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Couple_Who_d_Happily_Elope_Guilted_Into_Spending_House_Deposit_To_Appease_Both_S_ | Hello and welcome to another weekly Battuta News Rap, my name is Errol Parker and joining me this week, same as last week, Effie Bateman, Clancy Overill, how are you two? Yeah, yeah, pretty good, how are you? Look, I'm always good, always good at the end of the week.
Effie got ghosted by a guy that sent her a message saying, come hang. I did, it was at 10.30 on a Tuesday night and I said, you know what, maybe not, but if you want to go on a date, we can go on a date and then I got ghosted.
Yeah, maybe he was really pissed when he did that and that kind of, he woke up in the morning and was like, just have to cut my losses here. Maybe he doesn't have any money, that's probably the truth here. That is probably the truth.
Come hang. Come over and hang at my house. Which is free and we can watch SBS on demand. You can eat my housemates cold spag bol in the fridge. Can't use the microwave because he's upstairs and he'll smell it. Come down. Make sure it's cold.
Yeah, not much for me either mate, just, obviously, we're all plugging the gaps here while Wendell enjoys his decadent tour of the Northern Hemisphere. Any updates? Well, he's just been to the British Virgin Islands where the head office for the Advocate is for those listening at home and as it turns out, we do actually have to pay more tax than Qantas this year again, which is a bit of an injustice, but considering that the Advocate does own a 1982 Cessna 206 with the upgraded all glass Garmin cockpit, it does make sense considering we have more modern aircraft than Qantas, so I guess we should be paying tax. I guess we should be, as they refer to them on the front page of the Australian Today, the lying kangaroo.
You see, this is what happens when you stop spending big on advertising campaigns with the major mastheads as they turn on you, same thing happened with Dan Andrews and the Victorian government, they stopped doing their campaign material in the news court newspapers and they have never, ever heard the end of it. That's why you never hear bad press about Jerry Harvey. Basically $40 million a year. He keeps the Australian newspaper industry afloat. With those, he's basically got inserts.
Come and buy a Dell Inspiron from two years ago for four and a half thousand dollars or if you don't have any money, flexi rent it. You pay 20 bucks a week for 35 years until you have this laptop, but don't worry, the first five years are interest free. Interest free.
Anyway, we are paying tax again and Wendell probably fucked that one, I reckon. He's in Turkey now getting some top surgery, but it's not the traditional type of top surgery. Oh, you're talking about the Turkish top surgery. Well, it's not the LGBTI. He's getting a hair transplant. No, that's lid surgery. You can't say top surgery because you can get in trouble for so long. No, because he's got those 50 cent coin nips, so he's getting them rearranged to make them smaller. He is getting an areola reduction. Areola reduction. I suppose. And I guess you're right, the hair transplants aren't top surgery, it's lid surgery. I didn't know he was that vain.
Well, they're also, they turn into moobs. So it's one thing to have the, as you said, the subway cookie nipples, Effie, but when the subway cookie nipples are attached to pine cone moobs. Oh, coneys. Yeah, he's got the cone moobs. Pine moobs are fine and cookie nipples are fine, but when they combine, it ends up looking like you've got a couple of white pointers there. He's having that. They're not fine on a man though. No, the pine cones.
Anyway, this is the toxic media landscape that men must live in now where we're constantly compared to others and unrealistic standards of beauty for men. It's actually been a real big issue over the last 20, 30 years.
Well, if it makes him happy again, who am I to plastic surgery shame him? Well, look, I think I'm going to have to kick us along here until we get another envelope under the door about what you've said on air from the A triple C or whatever the fucking advertising guilds call them. That toothless tiger. Yeah. Who's making news this week Clancy? Well, the first is quite a mouthful.
It's an article related to the indigenous voice and it's a quote from a staunch no campaigner from Batuta Grove. The headline reads, why should the indigenous get special treatment asks baby boomer who went to university for free and lives off the sweat and tears of 20 underpaid and overworked millennial rental tenants that pay off his negatively geared property portfolio that was accrued after a lifetime of being gifted public money through a comically unfair franking credit system that had absolutely fucked our economy even before the entire nation was ordered to stay home for three years to protect his precious lungs. It sounds like we stayed home to protect your lungs too, Clancy, I tell you what, but as the indigenous voice referendum campaign heats up, it has become a surprise to no one that some of the loudest opponents of constitutionally recognising the existence and self determination of indigenous people are the same cohort of grey haired voters that have had the easiest lives out of any other generation of Australians, including 67 year old Graham Fox who asks, why should the indigenous get special treatment? This is of course, despite having his university fees paid for completely by Prime Minister Gough Whitlam, a man he cheered out of office before successive liberal governments squirreled millions and millions of public dollars into his pockets through franking credits and negative gearing tax perks that have foolproofed his decadent property portfolio that even an idiot could have amassed. Yes, he claims that he's never gotten any special treatment, and that's despite being a man who sat at home and watched the entire world stop work and socialising for three years to protect him from a virus that he was the first to get immunised from.
Bit rich, isn't it? Bit rich. What else we got Effie?
Up next, and a couple who'd happily elope guilted into spending an entire house deposit to appease both sides of the family. Yes, a couple that understands that money just doesn't grow on trees this week has been guilted into spending $45,000 on what essentially is a one day party by, you know, both sides of their family have put them up to it. Though the couple had tried to compromise by stating they would have a small wedding, their loved ones felt the need to insist that every fucking person within a 400 kilometre radius attend this wedding, including nieces, nephews, cousins, neighbours, old teachers, friends of the family, friends of the family's friends, and colleagues, dad's new step-wife and all of her kids, mum's new step-husband and his kids, and nan's friends from the church. Mother of the bride said, at the end of the day, it's not about you two, it's about getting the family together, because apparently she can't organise a family lunch or something. It'd make everyone so happy, said the mother of the bride.
And from one spoiled generation to another, Gen Z attempting to emulate the 1990s, still not doing it properly until they commit to the Africa. As the cyclical wheel of fashion trends clock back to the late 90s boy band era, the generation known as Gen Z are trying their best to wow us with their revolutionary choices in clothing, namely baggy denim jeans and skater t-shirts. However, there are some youth actually rumoured to be wearing cargo pants again. However, the elder millennials and Gen Xers that actually pioneered these styles know that deep down, the youth aren't doing it properly. One outspoken millennial elder, Macaulay Carter, said, you want to look like a skater, you better smell like a skater. They think they can pull off the fluoro spray jacket without rockin' the Africa.
Absolutely delusional. You know, there are some people out there that might think that was an ad.
It's not.
I think that Lynx Africa tastes and smells like you're sucking the fart out of a dead hippie. It's like you're sniffing up close one of those fat Etnish skate shoes. The smell that you smell when you smell Lynx Africa is what Todd Carney was smelling when he pissed in his own face all those years ago. The human bubbler. That's what it smells like. It smells like Canadian club and dry that's been put through someone's body. And a very dehydrated person's body. Yes. That's exactly what it smells like.
And lastly, a woman who is aware why an older couple at a bar want to buy her a drink is also conscious of the cost of living crisis right now. Yes, a local woman has this week found herself resorting to the same tactics she used as an overconfident 20-something Singleton in her bar hopping era. Only this time, she has substantially raised the stakes. Instead of angling for a baby-faced financial worker who was more than willing to buy her a vodka lime soda for the chance of a late-night Ronnie Coot, Audrey Lee, 32, reports that she's refined her tastes and instead targets wealthy older couples keen on spicing up their relationships by bringing a third into the mix.
And perhaps maybe the man watches. I don't know.
With French Quarter's unofficial swinger hotspot, the Firefly Jazz Lounge being her optimum mark.
Yeah, this sounds a lot like your third marriage, Clancy, back in the 90s. That was certainly something- There was a power imbalance in the relationship. You were definitely- I did watch, but I had to watch another younger man. You were ahead of your time. That's how you learned. I had to learn from a younger man that my wife picked, and I had to watch on the chair in the corner of the room.
It was very demoralizing. But yes, it does remind me a little bit of that. This one sounds a little bit more innocent and perhaps not as toxic as the swinger relationship I found myself in. Audrey reckons it's the only way she can afford a whiskey sour now, and that if they ask for her number, she'll just give them her ex-boyfriend's. Classic. Yeah, gosh, I imagine being a fly on the wall in his room. We also had a very good Facebook comment from a top fan, Mick Vickers, who said, oh, you can't afford to build a house. Come back to ours and watch me negatively gear Bob's latest erection. That's basically it, really. The cost of living crisis can be, there's loopholes in it, is basically what we're learning from Audrey Lee.
Effie, any of your friends get asked to join Thrupples? Yeah, no, I've been asked once when I was at, I went to a bar, and I was approached by an older couple. But I didn't realize until later, because they asked for my number, and I thought they were just being very friendly, and then they were just talking to me. They can smell the gum leaves on you. It wasn't until a few days later, they'd warmed me up, and they were just talking and then they planted the bomb. You were texting them.
What? Yeah, no, I thought they were just- Then you ghosted them. Yeah, I just stopped talking.
Yeah, it sounds like Audrey needs to do what the kids are doing these days, and just buying a credit card off the dark web, and just using it until it runs out. And someone else's name from some other country. It's a victimless crime. Like whose money are you actually spending? It's not the person you've stolen the card from. It's not the bank, it's not the insurer's. You're spending Mastercard's money. But they tend to be insured against this anyway.
I know, so it's a win-win. Yeah, the system works. Yep, if you're doing it tough, you can always turn to credit card fraud.
Yeah, this sounds a lot like your third marriage, Clancy, back in the 90s. That was certainly something... There was a power imbalance in that relationship. I did watch, but I had to watch another younger man. That's how you learned. I had to learn from a younger man that my wife picked, and I had to watch on the chair in the corner of the room. It was very demoralising. But yes, it does remind me a little bit of that. This one sounds a little bit more innocent, and perhaps not as toxic as the swinger relationship I found myself in, Thruple, forced upon me.
Audrey reckons it's the only way she can afford a whiskey sour now, and that if they ask for her number, she'll just give them her ex-boyfriend's. Classic. Yeah, gosh, I imagine being a fly on the wall in his room. We also had a very good Facebook comment from a top fan, Mick Vickers, who said, Oh, you can't afford to build a house. Come back to ours and watch me negatively gear Bob's latest erection.
That's basically it, really. The cost of living crisis can be... There's loopholes in it. That's basically what we're learning from Audrey Lee.
Effie, any of your friends get asked to join Thruple's? Yeah, no, I've been asked once. When I was at... I went to a bar, and I was approached by an older couple. But I didn't realise until later, because they asked for my number, and I thought they were just being very friendly. You're new to town.
They were just talking to me. They can smell the gum leaves on you. It wasn't until a few days later, they'd warmed me up, and they were just talking, and then they planted the bomb. You were texting them. What? Yeah, no, I thought they were just... Then you ghosted them. Yeah, I just stopped talking.
Yeah, it sounds like Audrey needs to do what the kids are doing these days, and just buying a credit card off the dark web, and just using it until it runs out. That's someone else's name from some other country. It's a victimless crime. Like whose money are you actually spending? It's not the person you've stolen the card from. It's not the bank. It's not the insurer's. You're spending Mastercard's money. But they tend to be insured against this anyway.
I know. So it's a win-win. Yeah, the system works. Yep.
If you're doing it tough, you can always turn to credit card fraud.
Until next week, my name's Errol Parkett. I'm Glenn Ziarrow. I'm Effie Baben.
Ciao. |
cracked | 5_movie_villains_that_would_make_great_leaders_game_of_thrones_the_dark_knight | No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to run for office. I would never do that. I like researching about politics. I like figuring out presidential weaknesses in case I ever have to fight any of them, but I would never run for office.
I mean it. Though if I did, obviously, my bumper sticker would be, Dan, he thinks outside the can. Like you think outside of a toilet. No, I like it. No, it's like, it's like think outside the box, but I made it can because it rhymes with Dan. Yeah, no, I'd rather have an evil leader than Dan who thinks outside the can. Well of course it's not gonna sing when it comes out of your weird mouth. Ooh, whoa, villain in chief. I like that. Oh, there's so many good ones to choose from. I feel like the bachelorette, but with bad-er guys.
Cersei, obviously, that's simple. Cersei's the best choice. But Cersei is like the most evil queen in all of Game of Thrones. I mean, she's crazy, she's power-hungry, and she doesn't care who lives and who dies, and she's screwing her brother, and she's just so...
So what? So generous? So ambitious? So motivated? So enthusiastic?
What kind of Game of Thrones are you watching?
Okay, time for some game theory. No, game as an acronym. Parentheses, this is my game theory. I'm sorry, what?
Jane is for generous. Yes, technically she's in debt, but she uses her family's wealth to fund all of the Seven Kingdoms. Littlefinger says we can outspend him three to one. And I say father raised you to have too much respect for money. Oh man, imagine if our current world leaders were using their family's money to better the country.
Non-stop ice cream parties, jinx! Hey, ambitious.
Say what you want about Cersei, but she gets shit done. Oh, like get shit done. She kills a lot of people who challenge her power by that. Logic, Kim Jong Un gets shit done. But remember that she's dealing with a civil war, and she's the only one in the Seven Kingdoms who's holding all of it together. Yes, maybe sometimes a few heads have to roll along the way to preserve that unity, but she's basically like the Abe Lincoln of Westeros.
Dead Son checks out. Jesus, Michael.
M. Motivated. She knows what she wants, and she gets it. Similar to ambitious, I realize now, maybe I'll change it later. E. Enthusiasm.
Cersei will stop at nothing to get power, but once she has that power, imagine all that energy spent on just leading. And now with all those pesky roadblocks out of the way. Uh uh, some of those roadblocks were her sons, you remember.
Jesus, Daniel. T. Tolerant.
She doesn't care if you worship the one god or the many gods or those broccoli kids. If she's gonna kill you, it's gonna be personal. It's not because of how you live. Hey, hang on, T. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she hated the religion that made her walk through the town naked while they yelled shame at her. Can you blame her? Yes, but I'll bet you ten bucks she'll kill them. She already did kill those guys.
Well there you go, I win ten dollar unis. T? Yeah, I was gonna go for all thrones, but I didn't have anything planned past T, so I'm actually really glad you stopped me.
Nope, Cersei isn't generous, she's borrowing money from the Iron Bank. Yeah, you're not generous if you just taken out a bunch of loans. Yeah, and it's also not tolerant if you're just sort of ambivalent about someone else's religion.
She just doesn't care about anything that doesn't directly affect her. Cersei stands for nothing. She just loves being queen of everything and boning her bro.
Yeah, as much as I'd like to see a lady in the power seat, I'm gonna have to say that Scar is obviously the better leader. Scar?
He killed his brother. He killed his brother in the saddest Disney death scene ever. I'd still get sad thinking about Lion King. Long live the King. Oh, you mean he killed his brother, the guy that said that he could kill everything that wasn't a lion?
That it was their right? Dad, don't we eat the antelope? Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass and the antelope eat the grass. I feel like we've covered this before. Yes, we did, okay.
We all agreed Mufasa is a shoddy leader. And Scar is the leader for the people, right? He just wants everyone to eat and be on an equal playing field. He reaches across the aisle to the hyenas, who are the most downtrodden of the savannah animals. He keeps around the old regime using Zazu as his trusted advisor. I mean, keeping around a cabinet of the opposing party is almost unheard of. As fairy Abraham Lincoln asks, all right, not everyone can be Lincoln. And he didn't deliver on any of his promises.
Everyone just got more starving. Yeah, why did they get more starving? Did all the prey animals just stop wanting to think?
Oh, he can't force the other species to procreate. It was like the savannah was against him. But Mufasa made it work somehow. No, no, I want my leader to bring peace and prosperity to the people.
That's why I choose the Joker. Joker, as much as he says he's all about chaos for chaos's sake, is actually incredibly organized. He orchestrates these elaborate schemes to cause havoc.
He's got a ton of people who work for him and not a single piece of information about his plans going forward leaks out. That's a tight ship. No leaks. Okay, so he's good organization. That doesn't make him a great leader.
But after Dark Knight, there's two years of peacefulness in Gotham and that's nothing to do with Batman's presence. Yeah, Batman is a magnet for trouble, much like yours truly. Okay, Joker is able to get people to do what he wants, even if that includes just like being a peaceful, cool member of society. That's more than Batman ever did. Joker is strangely anti-wealthy elite.
He destroyed that art museum, gassed everyone inside. He seemed to really like hurling money to the masses, so he does like giving cash to the poor in a weird way. But he's obsessed with chaos to the degree that he would be super organized when he f***s with the populace, which he does frequently.
Well, if our only standard is someone who can run a complex organization without any leaks, Blofeld is way better at that, pausing for gasps. None? Okay, that's fine.
Dude founded Spectre, which does not just involve useless lackeys like the Joker has, okay, Spectre is staffed by underlings with special skill sets, as well as a healthy portion of useless lackeys. My point is, he has a use both for disposable lackeys and the gifted, putting the right person with the right job. Oh, also job creator.
And he's got better international relations, or he just has international relations. I mean, he's always on the phone, talking to world leaders, threatening them with nukes, which actually sounds a lot like a lot of our current world leaders. No one else we have talked about so far ever interacts with the world outside their city. At least Blofeld has the confidence to interact with other nations. He's no nationalist. He knows that there's a whole universe out there.
Universe, the Borg! Genuine gasp of disbelief. In Star Trek, what is the Borg Queen One?
Perfection, right? We two are in a quest to batter ourselves, evolving toward a state of perfection. Yeah, but by assimilating the minds of every other species, you really want to lose this rare noodle? Okay, an assimilation nation doesn't have to be all bad. They're taking the best of every single culture and incorporating that, and then trimming the fat. Rome did it successfully. Unity in Rick and Morty creates a utopia until Rick comes and ruins it. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end-to-end with naked redheads, and I want the stamps packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.
Yeah, I don't know. It still sounds pretty terrible. You still have to give up everything about yourself.
What makes you you? Well, who the f*** are you? Excuse me? Sorry, let me try that O again. Who are you? What makes you exclusive and unique, Katie?
You're a totally different person than you were when you were seven, or 13, or 21, or any age, because you're constantly changing and growing as a person. You have already assimilated the time in which you live and taken on the priorities of that time. Hopefully. And when you're 50, you'll have completely different priorities and mindsets than you do now. Every time that you change, you're a little less recognizable to your past self. Do you think that young Katie would recognize you today? So if you join the Borg, you're still you. You just have different priorities?
Pry-Borg-ities. So if everybody is on the same page about the priorities, then I guess it's a utopia? Well, we'll never know. The time we assimilate will be under mind control, so I guess we would feel like that or true. Also resistance is futile.
Wait, what? I said your persistence is beautiful. I don't know. A compliment, let's say. Thanks. I mean, you're all coming with me. Yeah.
Hey everybody, thank you for watching that video. You can always click on the C in the middle of the screen to subscribe. You can click on any other videos here in the right rail over there, or you could smash that bell down there for some serious... I mean, some subscribing? Oh, so you know when new videos come out?
That's what it's for. This is gross. |
TheOnion | U_S_Government_Stages_Fake_Coup_To_Wipe_Out_National_Debt | Welcome back to the financial fallout shelter with the national debt now more than $10 trillion. The White House today enacted an emergency plan to eliminate all of the United States financial obligations to foreign nations by faking a violent coup of the American government. The coup is expected to take much of the strain off of America's real economy, providing the global community does not discover the ruse. The fake coup began at 10 a.m. today when fake rebel leader Octavius Del Monte stormed Congress and pretended to kill several congressmen. Hear my words, China, Japan, and the United Arab Emirates. The United States of America and all its vast debt no longer exists. Henceforth, this land will be called Octavia. Do not even try to collect funds owed.
The militants brandished plastic guns and wore costumes. Lawmakers stayed up late last night making themselves.
I believe we have the wrong wheelchair. Oh! Now what is the meaning of this? Be quiet, woman!
After a five-minute mock battle, Congress and the president ceded control of the nation to Octavius, who is believed to be played by Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Charles Conner. You know how when someone dies and all their debts go away and no one has to pay them? Well, this is like that except with countries. The country's creditors will be told the paper containing the country's debts was destroyed in the scuffle. Someone save the record of our debts! Congress will also use computer graphics to simulate some of the fake coup's more complicated details, such as the explosion that blows up the Treasury building. Representatives on both sides of the aisle said the plan was the best option left for lowering our debt after ideas like burning down the country for the insurance money and disguising the nation as Canada were deemed infeasible. The White House is also asking all American citizens to call their friends in other countries to complain about the new dictatorship.
In accordance with pretending to comply with Octavius' media control policy, this network will now be broadcasting Octavia's national anthem for three hours every day. Thank you for watching, and God bless Octavia. |
dropout | we_just_couldn_t_69 | I was desperate at this point. I'm looking everywhere, everywhere, and nobody will let me in. So, you know, I ended up right behind the Taco Bell.
No. Yeah. That's why I carry around wet wipes everywhere I go. Hey, Jeremy, you okay? You usually love Ryan's Burning Man stories.
Daria and I, we broke up. What? What happened?
Oh, I thought you guys were so good for each other. We were, yeah. We both loved East Indian food. We both loved sneaking into the gym. But when it came down to it, we just couldn't 69.
Oh, wow. That's awful. Dude, I'm so sorry. Thanks, guys.
69ing is the greatest expression of love you could show someone. You staring at their genitals and them staring back at yours. You see it all. There's nothing more intimate. It's like a yin-yang symbol. I mean, two pieces coming together in perfect harmony.
And if you don't have that, what do you have? A penis entering a vagina. There's no romance in that. Did you try other positions? Because sometimes when I 69 see, I like to lie on my side. Oh, look at that. My side. What about that?
Yeah, we tried 60 siding, but Daria's vagina was always so far away that by the time I did reach around there, my dick would just pop out of her mouth. You had the six, but not the nine. We even tried standing 69 in the hopes that if she held me upside down, gravity would pull my neck down far enough.
But it wouldn't. Do you know how embarrassing it is to lick someone's belly button? No, I don't.
Well, at least you did everything you could, you know? Honestly, when you told me you guys broke up, I thought it was because of Daria's heroin use. That was a whole other thing. I mean, yeah, she'd steal from me. She'd leave for days on end, just up and disappear.
But the 69 thing, that. You can't ignore that. God, I just want to go down on someone while I'm getting my penis sucked on. Why is that so difficult? Hey, I know not being able to 69 sucks. Wow, sucks? Is that really? I mean, don't be so hard on yourself. Hard? Really? You know what I mean.
I just miss her. Hey, I never thought that I would meet somebody that I could simultaneously fillet while receiving cunnilingus from. And then I took a step back and I looked at myself.
And that is when I met Crispin. Crispin. How can you win Crispin's 69?
He's so much taller than you. Yeah, but his dick is huge. No, no, no, that's not what I meant. I'm sure your dick is fine. Yeah, but my tongue could be longer. I bet Richard Simmons doesn't have this problem when he's 69s.
You mean, June Simmons? Yeah, the guy from Kiss, whatever.
Oh God, sorry, I just am taking this a lot harder than I thought I would. You know what's gonna make you feel better? We're gonna go get some cocaine. Okay. You're gonna feel great. You stay here, okay? So Crispin's cock is huge. I could 69 him from here. I'm so sorry, I'm strong enough here. Let me get that. No problem, I'm happy to hear that. It's too late.
Hi, I'm Jeremy. I'm Emily. |
TheOnion | 24_Hour_News_Cycle_Seems_Like_It_s_Taking_Forever | Inclimate weather prevents a liar from getting to work. Thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics. And a lunchbox is mostly medication. Providing you with internet news summaries since 1983, this is the Onion Week in Review. Sources across the nation impatiently reported today that the 24-hour news cycle seemed to be taking forever, telling reporters that the continuous coverage from MSNBC, CNN and other news sources was simply not continuous enough, frustrated Americans demanded more panel coverage, around-the-clock bulletins, and breaking reactions from Twitter. It's like, sure, I have five channels of unending news updates constantly flooding my screen, but each one of those only has one slow-moving news ticker. Why not three or four running at triple speed? Honestly, these networks need to understand that I can't just wait around all day for minute-by-minute coverage.
According to a new report published this week in the New England Journal of Medicine, over 2% of Americans suffer from synesthesia, with MRI scans, EEGs, and other neuroscientific methods allowing researchers to speculate that as many as 6 million nationwide experience its disorienting mental effects. The study went on to confirm that when looking at an ordinary test page such as this one, many synesthetes would commonly perceive every number as a different, vivid block of color. Interestingly, we discovered nationwide trends in synesthesia. For example, as many as 25,000 Americans would now be seeing the color red after hearing the number 5, while as many as 100,000 would currently be imagining they heard a violin.
Really, I find it amazing. Following his termination at a downsizing tech firm, area man Sam Morrison told reporters this week that he believes he has finally found the perfect work-life balance. The Irvine native, who since being terminated from his position has found time to exercise, read and sleep an adequate amount each night, noted that he could not remember another time in his life when he felt as content with the demands placed upon him as he does since becoming unemployed. For a while there, I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life constantly worrying about getting to the office on time and pleasing my boss. Outside of the late payments on the house, the mounting credit card debt, the rapidly depleting savings, my life is essentially stress-free. I honestly couldn't be happier.
And in this week's science news, a new report finds that lake ice grows safer to venture out on with each beer consumed. In other news, the beauty industry announces a new initiative to make women self-conscious about their palms. A beautiful cinnamon bun is too good for this world, too pure. And a picky eater is 38. According to view counts, somewhere between 50 and 60 million users tuned into this video in the first hour alone. The Onion commends its loyal viewers. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_New_Scientific_Discovery_Big_Changes_At_Qantas_Pete_Davidson_Moves_On_More_August_12 | Welcome back to the Weekly News Bulletin here on the Be Two Two Advocate. Thank you for joining us. I'm Clancy Overall joined by Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman.
How are the two of yous? Really really good. How are you? Yeah good. Good.
He's a little bit better than Errol Parker. I think he's what day eight now somewhere off the coast of Fiji I believe. New girlfriend talked him into a cruise. Just out of Gastro and I think from the messages that he was sending through and that work slack maybe yeah maybe Covid might be next for him and he's got another 14 or 15 days still on the ship so really exciting times for Errol. He'll be testing negative by the time he gets off anyway which is good news for us.
Lovely holiday. How are you Clancy? You well? I'm well mate I'm well.
I'm doing alright I'm about to go in obviously this evening for some major surgery on my hips so I'll probably be out of action for a little while listeners but yeah other than that yeah doing well it's actually a replacement. They make him better than the new ones. Yeah that's what I'm hearing apparently I'll be able to play polo across again and maybe get back into some of my mixed martial arts once I've healed is what I'm being told. But yeah other than that great I'll be going under an ascetic in about three hours and I've obviously had to avoid water and and the like for the last 12 hours so it should be good I can't wait to have the most beautiful feeling in the world that five to ten seconds. I can't wait to have a schooner when I come out. Yeah. That'll also be nice. I'll be going straight to the pub. So what's in the news at the moment Effie Bateman?
Alright so starting off and a new trend has sweeped across New South Wales where people who did nothing wrong suddenly resigned. Yes it's been a hell of a week down in Sydney hell of a couple of months or years really when you actually think about it. Scientists have now identified this weird trend where leaders and notable New South Wales state politicians just resigned from their roles for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Yes that's right this trend tends to involve people who are completely and totally innocent and they're leaving the jobs for no real reason at all.
Stuart Ayers is the deputy sorry was the deputy leader of New South Wales to jump on the latest and hottest new trend which may have originated on TikTok potentially. Yes I think it was early days TikTok and look if you don't pay attention to New South Wales state politics because you don't have rocks in your head the others jumping on board have been the likes of John Barrallaro the former leader of the Nats and Gladys Berejiklian the state's former premier as well as Barrio Farrell another one of the state's former premiers the list actually goes on and on. Well you know Mike Baird arguably family matters I think his daughter was getting married so he didn't want to be premier anymore. Yeah so we could go for another 10 or 15 minutes with those New South Wales state leaders so we won't bore you we'll move on what's next?
Right so speaking of doing nothing wrong Qantas has been urged to consider a new radical proposal hiring some permanent fucking staff. It's one of the most innovative and left-field suggestions we've seen to solving the issues affecting the airline industry basically this new report is calling for Qantas and their subsidiary Jetstar to rehire the thousands of specifically trained permanent employees they either sacked or laid off work over the last couple of years under the guise of the pandemic. It's a crazy idea as you're probably aware airports are more chaotic now than the fish markets on a morning of a Good Friday with Qantas seeking to blame their issues on staff shortages despite the fact that they got given two billion dollars by the federal government over the last two years.
I had a lot of comments on that story a lot of frustrated travellers I think but some of the good ones you've pulled out I believe Effie? We've got one from Rob Ranagella who said I hear the execs will be on baggage handling duties for three months but working from home and a Simon Taylor who said outsourced to CEO position to labour hire they couldn't do a worse job. Oh they're fired up they're fired up.
And up next with some pop culture news and recently single Pete Davidson is reportedly already rooting both Cher and Susan Sarandon. Certainly getting straight back onto the market US tabloids are in overdrive this week as entertainment reporters rushed to get the scoop on which absolute smokeshow Pete Davidson has landed as a rebound after his relationship with Kim Kardashian came to an end. Fans of both comedy and TV shows about rich people doing nothing had long believed that the relationship wouldn't actually last between the pair mostly because of the stuff going on with Kanye West and the fact that Pete Davidson does not appear ready to take on four stepkids as well as Kris Jenner Clancy.
Yes he's taken no time to move on young Petey. Sticking to the mature-aged single mother dating pool he's apparently already making sweet tender love to the 76 year old Cher and 75 year old Susan Sarandon certainly no mucking around there from purple patch Pete there. Good on him.
And lastly an old kelpie with digestive issues is devastated after Ricky Stewart compares him to Jamin Salmon. Yes this was the site of this week's biggest NRL scandal that the mainstream media refused to touch. Ricky Stewart caused all sorts of headlines this week by spraying Penrith Panthers player Jamin Salmon over the weekend while many of the journos focused on the history between Stewart and Salmon one of our very own here in Batuta got caught up in the war of words. Yeah poor old Butch a 12 year old kelpie who has some severe incontinence issues says he's been devastated by the fact that he's been used as a cheap joke by the rugby league coach. Speaking to us through editor-at-large Errol Parker's clairvoyant stepdaughter Butch barked you think I like leaving sloppy shits all over the back garden it's enough of a cross to bear let alone having to be made the punchline of a sledge for Ricky Stewart. It really really makes you think about how hurtful words like weak gutted dog really are when you hear Butch's story and and hopefully you know we can all improve and we can we can do better. Yeah hopefully Butch got some a nice steak or something like that to cheer him up rather than the dry kibble. Yeah maybe use some spaghetti bolognese mince with pasta that's what I feed my dog he likes it and sometimes chocolate at Easter. Well yeah hopefully Butch got treated anyway I think that's all we've got for this week Effie. Yep that's what we got see you later and enjoy your weekend. Mature aged single mother dating pool he's apparently already making sweet tender love to the 76 year old Sher and 75 year old Susan Sarandon certainly no mucking around there from purple patch Pete there. Good on him and lastly an old kelpie with digestive issues is devastated after Ricky Stewart compares him to Jamin Salmon. Yes this was the site of this week's biggest NRL scandal that the mainstream media refused to touch. Ricky Stewart caused all sorts of headlines this week by spraying Penrith Panthers player Jamin Salmon over the weekend. While many of the journos focused on the history between Stewart and Salmon one of our very own here in Batuta got caught up in the war of words. Yeah poor old Butch a 12 year old kelpie who has some severe incontinence issues says he's been devastated by the fact that he's been used as a cheap joke by the rugby league coach. Speaking to us through editor at large Errol Parker's clairvoyant stepdaughter Butch barked you think I like leaving sloppy shits all over the back garden it's enough of a cross to bear let alone having to be made the punchline of a sledge for Ricky Stewart. It really really makes you think about how hurtful words like weak gutted dog really are when you hear Butch's story and and hopefully you know we can all improve and we can we can do better.
Yeah hopefully Butch got some a nice steak or something like that to cheer him up rather than the dry kibble. Yeah maybe use some spaghetti bolognese mince with pasta that's what I feed my dog he likes it and sometimes chocolate at Easter. Well yeah hopefully Butch got treated anyway I think that's all we've got for this week Effie. Yep that's all we've got see you later and enjoy your weekend. |
SaturdayNightLive | rita_on_halloween_saturday_night_live | You ready for the little ghouls and goblins? yeah, not my husband's on the couch. watch the tape from his Macgyver library. Yeah. yeah, I says to him, it's Halloween. what are you supposed to be? he says a traffic cop. Now, keep moving. I says, you bastard, you're bad. Oh, Bella, he's so great.
Trick or treat. Oh, look at this. what do we have? Oh, we've got a brave fireman and a scary skeleton. I don't want candy. my dad told me to ask for a quarter. a quarter, huh? what'd your dad do for a living, doll? he's out of work. Yeah, there's a shocker.
Here, give him this. Okay? ow! yeah, am I gonna get the hell off my porch in a little John Gotti? Go hose him down.
Trick or treat. with Spartan Spirit. cheerleaders from Saturday Night Live. Whoa! Spartan Spirit!
Okay, good. you know, if I see that freakin' skit one more time, I'm gonna put my foot through the Tv. I'm gonna get off my group.
Okay, you see this? all right, good. Okay, you see this? you guys got the whole street them analyzed, but guess what? you picked the wrong house because I keep it. Okay? okay, good. All right, now that's okay. Okay, good. because you know now you don't have to go to the price cup for a monkey little nipple. I'm okay. little gassy, we just ate.
Yeah, the trick or treaters, they're precious. yeah, but don't. whatever you do, don't let them use your bathroom. last year, I had a little hula dancer woke up with a bottle of my Gina Tay. Yeah. right? I had her father come pick her grassy ass up. No, I did. No. trick or treat. trick or treat.
Uh, what's this? who do we have here? Now, who are you supposed to be, Handsome? I'm David Hasselhoff. good, good. the prime time pimp. Okay. now, doll, who are you supposed to be in this badly stitched outfit, huh?
I'm a pirate. Honey, little girls can't be pirates. my mommy says girls can be whatever boys can be. Yeah, that's because your mommy can't sew.
Okay, hit the pike, short stuff. wait a second, come here, come here. come here, I feel sorry for you. here. What is this? it's a Sporia down. an Italian pastry. I want candy.
And there? so do I. Okay? go, go, go, go. Okay? yeah, now tell your mother to put down a bottle and pick up a sewing machine. Okay, okay, all right. Okay, guess what? your egg toss and crack piping, mother hoppers. I see ya. Yeah, keep running, because guess what, next time you get the shoe. Okay? Oh, did they get you too, Loretta? Well, doll, you're on the corner. yeah, you're getting it from both sides. come up here where it's safe.
Oh, God. Oh, I got a good look at all them little bastards and I'm taking their names. what do you got here? Okay, now see this. that one's bad. good luck, Doc, I know this kid. Oh, he's bad.
I know this kid. yeah, I know his mother, she drinks. chicken treat. Oh, look at how cute she is, Rita. Now, who are you supposed to be, doll? I'm Madonna, and this is my brand new baby girl. this is the Madonna, Sweetheart, right here. right here, Madonna. Okay? that's enough. Now, honey, do you know what an unmarried lady did with a baby in my day? she hid it till it was 18 years old. Now, you go tell your mother to quit her phone sex job before I call Sally Jessie. go ahead. hit the Pike. go ahead. hit the Pike. Oh, Rita, Rita, Rita.
I don't know, I don't know. Remember when we was young, when we had the real simple costumes, and we just went, you know, bobbing for apples?
Oh, I died. Hey, the only thing that's bobbing now is these. Oh, you're a bird. you set me up. you set me up, you bitch. you set me up. Oh, Rita. Oh, Rita, watch out. here comes a little pack of Power Rangers. Oh, okay. I see you. get ready. Oh, I got something. Oh. oh. oh. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Classic_Horror_Movies | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, as the Halloween season draws near, I'll be looking back at some of the most beloved horror classics in cinema history.
Let's take a look at 1999's The Blair Witch Project, a film lauded for pioneering the found-footage genre with its unnerving tale of college students lost in the woods, but which also cruelly and needlessly vilified Blair Witches, prompting Americans to hunt these harmless and majestic creatures to the point of extinction. Directed by Daniel Mirek and Eduardo Sanchez, The Blair Witch Project relies heavily on a sense of documentary realism to craft its narrative, which makes it all the more shameful that the movie perpetuates so many blatantly false myths about the noble Blair Witches that grace our forests and national parks. Indeed, the story revolves around the frankly unbelievable plot device of a supposedly evil Blair Witch murdering a group of children in South Dakota. This despite the fact that Blair Witches are naturally docile creatures who almost never attack unless provoked, and that, statistically speaking, witch-related deaths are almost nonexistent. During the film's climax, as the students grow increasingly disoriented by their situation, one has to wonder how none of them ever learned that you just need to bang a couple of pots together to frighten a Blair Witch and send it skittering off into the woods. Still, despite the film's implausibility, these harmful depictions drove audiences to hunt Blair Witches mercilessly in the years since, first for protection and later for pure sport. I'll never forget when, while hiking the Appalachian Trail, I stumbled upon a Blair Witch standing alone in a clearing.
Communing with such a majestic, peaceful creature was a moment that I wish everyone could share.
But unfortunately, the Blair Witch has now all but gone extinct thanks to this glorified smear campaign. We now look back at the campy cult classic, Saw, a laughable propaganda film created by the United States government in 2004 as an educational film to discourage teenagers from experimenting with hacksaws. Hastily produced amidst a nationwide moral panic, Saw remains notable only for its ridiculous, groan-worthy scare tactics, which tried to frighten teens into thinking that using hacksaws even once would transform them into depraved junkies who awake chained up in a dirty bathroom and fall into a series of increasingly elaborate traps as they search for their next fix. For those, like myself, who experimented with saws in their youth, all you can do is roll your eyes and laugh at scenes like this one in which Lawrence, driven wild with Saw fever, desperately cuts through his foot at the behest of Jigsaw, the absurd villain dreamed up by the U.S. government to represent the great evils of saws. Thankfully, in recent years, the tide of public opinion has turned, and we now know that there's no real danger in teenagers getting together in the woods, putting on some music, and having some fun passing around a handsaw or two. And thanks to its campy, over-the-top performances, Saw has become a cult phenomenon, leading audiences to pack into theaters for midnight screenings, dressed as their favorite characters, and even bring in handsaws to throw at the screen as they delight at this belovedly bad cult classic.
Now, let's take a look at Rosemary's Baby, Roman Polanski's supernatural thriller that spurred the rise of the natural birth and doula movement of the late 1960s. The film follows Mia Farrow as Rosemary Woodhouse, a pregnant woman who longs for an alternative to the sterile hospital experience of medical interventions such as drug-induced labor, epidurals, and C-sections. Through her exploration of other options, she discovers a tight-knit team of admittedly unconventional doulas who work as a support network to help her through every step of the process, from conception all the way through delivery. With the assistance of trained specialist Dr. Saperstein, these birth companions administer a variety of safe and natural homeopathic remedies, provide Rosemary with literature when she's curious, and most importantly, treat her with patience and respect when she feels overwhelmed. Along the way, the audience is introduced to a new perspective on childbirth. No longer a mere medical procedure confined to a cold, unfeeling hospital room, but a beautiful and intimate experience that can take place naturally in one's own home. Indeed, when Rosemary's titular baby finally arrives, it's not born surrounded by an uncaring medical team, but rather by loved ones, all deeply invested in the well-being of the new life they've together welcomed into the world. To understand their impact, viewers need look no further than the beautiful, serene smile on Rosemary's face as she rocks her baby for the first time.
We now look back at the Alfred Hitchcock classic, Psycho, which revolutionized horror cinema with its famous twist of a magical skeleton who can shape-shift to avoid detection. In Psycho, Hitchcock proved himself a master craftsman of suspense. He carefully plants small, subtle clues and red herrings, leading audiences to believe they're watching a mere run-of-the-mill murder mystery before finally revealing the story's massive twist. A magical, shape-shifting skeleton, the titular Psycho has been behind the murders all along, using its enchanted ability to take the form of anyone at the Bates Motel to sew mayhem. In the film's iconic shower scene, Janet Leigh is stabbed by what appears to be a woman visible in silhouette behind the shower curtain, but Hitchcock later completely upends audience expectations with the revelation that the murder was actually committed by the magical skeleton, who merely took on the form of a woman in order to cover its magical tracks. Indeed, thanks to Hitchcock's deft touch, the viewer realizes that beyond being merely magical, the skeleton is also wickedly cunning, hiding right before the viewer's very eyes in a rocking chair. Soon, Vera Miles' Lila arrives at the theater to look for her murdered sister, and Hitchcock continues to keep the audience guessing before executing a masterful fake-out in Psycho's final scene. Just when Lila thinks she's finally cornered the evil skeleton, it's revealed to be a mere decoy. Just then, the real skeleton appears behind her with a knife, having morphed itself into the devilishly confounding disguise of Norman Bates dressed in women's clothing.
It's then, and only then, that the audience is allowed to exhale and process the revelation. Ah, of course.
It's been a magical, shape-shifting skeleton all along. And yet, in the years since Psycho's release, the once-shocking twist ending has been so frequently imitated that it now borders on cliche. From Friday the 13th to the 6th sense, I can hardly remember a single horror movie released in the past decade that hasn't hit me. On a magical, shape-shifting skeleton as its twist ending. It's often hard to remember that it was Hitchcock and his visionary genius that started it all. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | Brain_Dead_Teen_Only_Capable_Of_Rolling_Eyes_And_Texting_To_Be_Euthanized | Last month, the Taggart family of Cedar Mill, Oregon, set off a firestorm of controversy after petitioning the state for the right to end the life of their 13-year-old brain-dead daughter. Jean Ann Wharton takes us beyond the facts. Kaitlyn Taggart was a beautiful, lively girl who loved laughing and playing outside, but all that changed at the age of 12.
Kaitlyn slipped into a persistent vegetative state, confining her almost entirely to her bed and Facebook. She doesn't even have basic motor functions anymore. We literally have to drag her to the car to drive her to school in the morning. She's totally unresponsive when we talk to her. Her eyes just roll back in her head.
Kaitlyn, honey, it's your dad. With no hope that their daughter would ever recover, the Taggarts decided to seek legal permission to end Kaitlyn's life. It is the most difficult decision we've ever had to make, but we just keep reminding ourselves that the real Kaitlyn is already gone. That's just her body texting. But the Taggarts soon found themselves at the center of a heated controversy as euthanasia opposition groups mobilized to stop them. These protesters say the groans and exasperated sighs Kaitlyn sometimes makes prove there is hope for recovery. But the Taggart's physician, Dr. Kevin DeBacker, disagrees. The sounds and movements that Kaitlyn makes are caused by random synapses firing in what's left of her brain tissue as a response to atmospheric changes, like it being cold in a restaurant or her mother bursting into a room, even though there is a little thing called privacy. Dr. DeBacker believes euthanasia is a humane way to end Kaitlyn's suffering. We give her one painless injection and that's it. Her eyes may flutter a bit or she may murmur, are you for real killing me right now? But then her struggle will finally be over. Back at the Taggart home, the family is already preparing for life without Kaitlyn. It's hard, but we know we're making the right decision.
Her organs can help other children. We can give her eyes to someone who would actually use them to read a book. I have cramps and I don't even. What would you tell other parents? I want parents out there to go home tonight and hug their kids and be thankful they don't have such a piss-poor attitude. For Beyond the Facts, I'm Jean Ann Morton.
Three days ago, Kaitlyn's life was legally ended. Kaitlyn, by the way, was the first Oregon resident to undergo the procedure since 2009 when a dentist had his receptionist euthanized after she was unable to perform any function other than eating all the candy in the waiting room.
A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control finds that over 100 million children are being exposed to harmful levels of stupidity in their own homes. Hear the debate about secondhand ignorance on the next In the Know. |
TheOnion | The_Only_Person_Who_Can_Help_Me_Get_A_Bus_To_Yonkers_Is_You | Hello. Good afternoon. If you have a minute, I would like to talk to you about something important.
I need to catch a bus to Yonkers. You see, I live in Yonkers. I want to get home.
Now, usually, I just drive my car. Unfortunately, it broke down today. It's in the shop. There's a receipt from the mechanic, concluding that my car will not be ready for numerous weeks.
Now, getting me to Yonkers, simple problem with an obvious solution, buying a bus ticket for $12.45. This money would not be a gift but a loan, because in my home in Yonkers, I have plenty of money. And when I got there, I could mail you a check for what I owe. In fact, I would be so grateful that I would pay you double the money you lent me. Now, I realize that not everyone thinks this is a good idea. I know there are people who say, there's another way I could get to Yonkers besides you giving me $12.45.
Some of you might be thinking, I should call a friend. Haven't picked me up. However, I can't call anyone because my cell phone is out of power. Could I use your phone to call them? No, because I don't remember their number.
Now, here's something you might not know. I would let you hold on to my watch to make sure I repaid the $12.45. My grandfather gave me this watch. He's dead now. But I trust you to not keep it. And it's estimated that this watch could be worth hundreds of dollars, even though the battery's out of power and it doesn't work right now. So, let's take a moment. Think about everything I've told you.
It makes more sense for you to just give me the money for the bus. You can't turn a blind eye and assume someone else will give me the bus fare. You. Give me $12.45. I'll pay you back.
Let go. Let it go. Thank you. |
dropout | Handshakes_For_Men_Hugs_For_Women_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I have body-swamped with a 12-year-old boy. Somebody please help me. This body is old as hell. And I'm Stuart Bigg.
Our first story of the evening, the Twin Fields Mall is finally closing its doors after 25 years. Residents will no longer be able to go and try to tap the directory thing, but it won't listen. Not everything needs to be a Dutch screen. The Twin Fields Mall, that's where I went second base for the first time. That was last week.
I'm 12 years old. I should be in school right now. No more going to the Apple Store and challenging the so-called geniuses. When I go to the Apple Store, I find the biggest iPad they have and subscribe to a bunch of Patreons on my stepdad's credit card. I'm 12.
And lastly, mall fans will now sadly have to go elsewhere to get their authentic Japanese cuisine found in the food court. Somebody please help me. Maybe later. In personal news, I miss my mommy. I don't know how to drive and I had to do it to get here.
And on top of all of that, I look like shit. I mean, seriously, look at me.
I was a hot 12 year old. We can say that? I think a 12 year old can think they are hot. Maybe.
What is this? Now I've got this face that sucks and body to match. I'm being very mean to whoever's body this is.
Democracy dies in darkness. Now onto the latest in gaming.
Thanks. Thanks so much, Stuart. Try the face. No. Ooh, it begins. Thanks so much, Stuart.
Man, this gaming stuff just keeps getting better. There's a very popular game franchise that has dancing. I'm not allowed to say the name of it, but it's one you could play in a fort at night. There are a bunch of dances that I think should be in that game. Again, these are dances that I think should be in that game, but are not as doing those dances would violate the copyright of this very latino game. Very litigious game. And again, I haven't named the game. It could be any game that would be great fun to play for tonight. This first dance is called the bunny bounce.
Great. Let's see it. That's it.
You should go to the right until the left. Oh man. I crushed that. Time for another. This one's called absolutely fucking go nuts. Whoa, there are lyrics. There are lyrics to the dance. Oh yeah.
Do the face.
Nope. Okay. Oh wow. This one's called the Seinfeld, but not the Elaine dance. Is that a knife? I just, I panicked and now I'm leaning in. Oh, it very, very reserved the sprinkler. He's got a microphone. That's what I thought. I thought that was a knife. Microphone and you're doing comedy. So you're kind of panicking. Okay. You are crushing. Oh, not. And that was just the first half of the dance. Here's the. Here's the very, oh no. Here's the very different second half. Yeah.
And which part of Seinfeld's career does that relate to? Oh, I forgot. I forgot it was Seinfeld.
I mean. I don't know. The early part of his life. I could go all night and I might. Sorry.
What's the name of this next dance coming up. Here's how I fuck. Now that looks very similar to part two of the Seinfeld dance.
Wow. Incredible. Wow.
That sucked. I absolutely hated that.
This is how I fuck. No. Now I do want to point out that I'm technically anchor one. Rekha just really wanted to do this. Oh no. Wow. No. No, I think Rekha, should we switch for the rest of this segment? Oh, you know what? You have to, 12 year old, you have to get up and do that, I think. I think that's without criers, right? No, I think we dodged a bullet there. Wow. This is getting me all horned up.
In other news, the Twin Fields ball has just been saved thanks to the generous donation from the town's beloved billionaire. We cut now live to said billionaire. Thanks.
I have purchased the Twin Fields mall and I'm going to tear it down because I'm starting my own country. The laws in my new country are extensive and ruthless. I will lay them out now. Law number one, handshakes for men, hugs for women. This is the main reason I'm starting a new country.
Sorry, I'm going fully off script. What happens when a man and woman introduce themselves to each other? I'll show you.
Number two, crime is fine. Later, I guess. Crime is fine, but don't go nuts with it.
Number three, you don't need to ask for permission to go to the bathroom. You can just go.
I'm 12 and horny for feet already. In fact, in this body, I feel shame about that which means this person needs to work on their sex positivity.
You certainly have a lot going on. Kind of exhausting for me. Yes, I think it's exhausting for all of us.
Oh, all right. Anyway, surprising nobody, this week's loser is and returning champ, Amy Vorpahl. Oh, oh God. Yes, transcendent joy. Thank you everyone for watching. This has been Breaking News. And Amy, if I'm correct, there's a third part to that Seinfeld dance. Yeah, and don't forget, this is Seinfeld. Yeah.
He's taking a bow, he's basking in his riches. He's driving comedians. Oh, he's rich and he wants comedians to get in his car. |
dropout | bizarre_amazon_product_reviews_live | Hello, and welcome to Bizarre Amazon Product Reviews. Amazon obviously has everything, so of course some of that stuff is gonna be very strange. And so today we're gonna look at some of that strange stuff.
Yes. I'm joined by Katie and Trapp. They're gonna help me figure this stuff out.
And we're gonna decide if it's stuff that we would actually wanna buy or throw away. And speaking of which, we have a little gift bag here to represent good products, like four or five stars, in our opinion, or bad products, three and under. You just throw them in the trash.
For like your holiday shopping. Yes, yes. Because, you know, Black Friday's Friday, and you know, the Christmas holidays are coming up soon. Let's get in. Can you mention the person who's looking forward to Black Friday more than Thanksgiving? Like, oh boy, this Friday. To me. Black Friday.
I don't really like food. And I just- I like getting trampled in a Walmart. That's what I love about it.
Waiting in a line at three a.m.
Well, let's get into it. Our first product is, oh, there we go.
A, oh, excuse me. A face slimmer. Okay. Now, I don't know how it works, but apparently this will slim your face. This, I guess I'll take it out of the plastic. Yeah. I can take this out, right? All right. You got it. No.
It reminds me- The next 30 minutes, it's just gonna be me, like, struggling with so weakly against plastic. Oh, God. I swear I worked out, guys.
Just can't get it open.
This looks very sexual. It looks very sexual. It looks very sexual, right?
We can say that. We can acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Like, do we need, I don't know if we need, like- Such realistic lips. Because this goes in your mouth. Is that how this works? I think so. And what is the idea? It sims your face?
I think this is just like a regular, dental thing. Like, I've definitely seen this. I think that's super gentle.
Okay, wow. Oh my God.
This is- Looks very comfortable. Oh, are you comfortable? Oh, wow. You look- You can't even tell you have it on. Oh? Yeah, it looks really good. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. It looks perfect.
I guess I don't understand, well, really, what the point of this is. It, it slims your face, okay. For three minutes a day- I probably should have washed this out. No, it's got a little plastic residue that's good. Yeah, no, no, it, nah.
For three minutes a day, I think you put it in your mouth and it'll- So what? The corners of your mouth? Because the muscles loosen, it effectively makes your face slimmer.
It's like a- I don't fully understand. Tell me more, okay? You look, I can't- No, no, tell me, let's, let's talk about what this product can do for you. Yeah.
You look like a very rich, like- I don't feel like this is- Like a wealthy fish. This is supposed to slim my face?
Yeah, I don't think I understand how this product works. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a scam, right? Yeah, I think so. There's no way that that works, right? It's the idea that it just like- It doesn't work.
Just like stretching it. Like loosening up your jowls, maybe. It feels like it's like just stretching my lips so I don't have to sling my face. It feels like- Are you understanding anything I say?
Yeah, it feels like it just does the opposite of- Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Please don't do that. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
I love to eat sandwich right now. Just like, calm down. So hard to eat food. What? You should try to eat food like that. Yeah, can I get like a- Can we get like Dorito? Something something something that I can just I just slobber falling out of serving soul. It's so gross.
How much would you guys? I'm sorry. I had yeah How much would you guys? ruling How much would you guess this product? Yes? Yes I've never seen anything cost three dollars Something made of I don't know I guess You have to add at least a certain amount of money for like supposed health benefits If you promise that something is like healthy or will make you pretty like they're gonna charge more. I'm gonna say this is it This is at least 20 20. I'm gonna say I'm gonna say 25 real answer 264 plus free shipping $2.64 really cheap. Hey, you know I'm assuming it's cheap because it's garbage What do you what would you guys oh my god? So like what would you rate this product?
Oh, I can't even look at I Can I don't have time to stretch my face and then you know What about the hours and hours of a day where you're not eating? I'm talking about Like in between meals. Are you constantly?
I'm gonna give this product of one as well How are you feeling well, I feel like you're championing this product for some look I think you're all being very rude Yeah, I mean I Mean does it look stupid? Yes, but at least it doesn't work All right moving on to our next product We are a barber cloak, but this is no ordinary barber cloak. This is a weird one in that The thing is I believe Another hole here. I think your arms go through here. There you go. Now. You're beautiful Barber cloak so you can give you can get I guess it's like you can give yourself a haircut Yeah, it's for giving giving yourself a haircut Because not everyone can afford to get a haircut and like go to a fancy place sometimes you have to just do it yourself And we actually have a wig and scissors So I can just give this a go. So are you gonna try to give yourself a haircut then? Is that what's happening here? Maybe that's what it's for. I would like some help Well, no, but don't isn't this the only way we can really really test test The efficacy of the product is and the idea is that this like lip will care I love how you put on a wig those almost identical to your Now I'm scared I'm just gonna this is like a weird Scooby-Doo where we pull off the mask and it's just like another goblin underneath So this is so the idea I guess is just that I would cut my own hair.
All right. All right I Can sit down right? We can just sit here All right, and I guess I'll just go for it Well, also like I know I'm going to technically be able to cut hair.
Well, will it look good? Well, we also want to see like how well it can catch it, right? Oh, yeah I don't know.
How do you cut your hair? Okay, good start you should cut your real hair though You are here, I mean No, okay.
This is fine. It seems to be working.
Okay, do you guys have how much range of motion you have? like yeah, if you if you're cutting your hair and then like Someone, you know the kids kids care please Katie cut his real hair. Can you please don't cut my actual hair? I Try I honestly could not listen to a word I was just wondering if you if you moved around a lot, are you gonna fling hair everywhere? Do you have to be like stock still or let's see? Is hair coming off?
I can't see anything.
I Feel like this is um, so stupid, right? Yeah See you're already using it I Mean it technically works, but I think the original idea of giving yourself a haircut is so flawed. Yeah Do you think I mean, do you think you get a benefit from this? Versus if you gave yourself a haircut, do you give yourself haircuts? I know people who do which is I think it's crazy Okay And you just probably just do that by like the sink probably it's a like yeah and like you'll just sweep like is this any better than There's no reason to have anything because you can just put it on the floor and just sweep It's easier to sweep something off the floor than like dig it out of like a nylon trench on trench Because now I'm just worried. I'm gonna I have to be careful with this now. Yeah When you have a bunch of hair, I guess you have to empty the hair first, right? Yeah Let me just try to put this in the trash You look like you're in this like the weirdest see a video I Like yeah, I could be in a scene of video me and Shia LaBeouf giving each other haircuts Look I'm gonna take the wig off cuz it's really hot. I mean should I cut more hair?
I feel like I got it You know my mouth already guys. I hate this product. I'm gonna give it.
I think a one I think it at least did what it promised to do Yeah, that's gonna be something in 99 1099 for this which is not You could use it as a raincoat too kind of maybe Frequently bought together they this product the the hair a barber cloak some some she like electric shears clippers and oil for those That's $33 value package If you walked into your friends like if you were over at your friends place and you walked to their bathroom and you saw like This in a corner with like the Clippers and the clipper oil Like I feel like that's just like asking for like like something something has gone wrong. Do you okay? Yeah, like you need to just kind of sit down like hey, you know, like let's We've been talking about me a lot. Maybe we should talk about you. So I just want to check in with you I feel okay. I feel comfortable giving this it too because it does technically work You know what you're getting into I still don't think you should ever do this though, right?
That's the other thing. Yeah Two stars two stars, which is unfortunately still the trash can for you. Oh My god, how much hair is? See you later Hey nice good callback. Yeah, great. We're moving along Our third product. Oh this one.
It's very weird this is a replica of human fat Okay, so it's a yeah human fat replica So what this is is You want to get this up I guess if you just want to see what human fat looks like and acts like Or just looks like it because texture wise What do you mean you don't want to touch it I want to touch it. That's why we I'm sure yeah, I'll tell you exactly what this is for This is for like when you like some elementary school is like brings in some like overly like peppy like Like pair to be like hey, let's talk about health today Like how many of you have gotten up and moved around today and then like at some point Inside you Everyone shames They point and they say piggy piggy piggy piggy. Are you okay? No, I'm just talking about like what happens, you know Yeah, it's like like, you know, it's just like it happens it happens, you know And they like they like tie him up to like the tetherball like Paul and then like Yeah, you know smell weird. Yeah. Oh, it smells like This is the approximate volume five pounds of human fat five pounds One pound of human fat.
Oh, I was shocked for a minute. But now I'm I have reasonable.
I got it wrong That it's still very I want to cut into it. Yeah, I would love to cut into this. Do you want to do that?
Like rewarding to touch this Yeah, it's kind of like a stress ball. Yeah, it is. It's like a stressful.
It doesn't I don't think it feels like What fat supposed to feel like? But it says replica, I don't know maybe That's true. It does feel it doesn't it does feel like certainly firmer than you would imagine fat to feel like listen I felt fat. It doesn't feel that firm Are you gonna cut it?
Oh, I think I am Do it. All right What if it just explodes? I think you're gonna struggle.
I think you're it It's just sort of More of the same Yeah, what were you expecting to buy? That's a little bubbly This was such a disappointment to cut into Yeah, how much do you guys guess at this cost? I've been so bad I Dollars, okay. Yeah, this is $13. I mean, it's just pure like rubber right and then you've got it You're probably selling it to a very specific group like 20 bucks. Okay, I think everything is 20 bucks $69.99 what's what?
Nice. Wait, is this for the five pound one though? Yeah, so So cut that You know, then then okay. Oh wait Then I don't know I don't know how much this cost do we have We'll look that up now But in the meantime This is kind of nice though for like when you hear people like like I'll say like I lost weight You know, like it's easy to hear like if someone's like I lost five pounds, you know, it's like, okay cool. Good. Good job This is five pounds, but that's it was one pound 2632 What would what would you guys rate this?
Yeah, I mean like yeah If someone if someone came and they dropped like ten of these on your desk, you're like, I just they're like like boom I just lost that much weight. You'd be like Wow. That was that would seem way more impressive than if they're like I'm a visual learner.
Yeah I Would give this I like it a four. Let's give it four. Yeah, I might give it a four Yeah, it doesn't supposed to it's it's a good stress ball.
It's a good like visual. Yeah Yeah Great so yeah, we recommend it put it on the put it on in a gift bag on your Christmas list Make sure make all your friends happy It won't be a passive-aggressive gift at all. He'll be like why are you giving me? This this fat replica, that's exactly what I want. I'm not taking this the wrong way at all I don't think there's anything yeah Yeah, it's not super passive aggressive. Yeah.
Well, let's move on to our fourth it is Make sure I grab the right thing Here we go into it this is I'm going to keep you Chocolate hand grenade Okay, it's chocolate Well, I think so. It's either chocolate or it's a hand grenade Okay, so it is like a literal just yeah, it's a hand grenade shaped so it's like a chocolate bunny But it's just a grenade a very aggressive chocolate. Is there anything inside? Can you hold this for a second? No Hold this for a second Let me check It's very I know how to check if there's something inside Solid milk chocolate.
Oh wow It's an MK to pineapple grenade replica that's the type of grenade if you're wondering if you're Just for some reason we would have loved this. I only had brothers So we would have loved playing with this and like eating it because we still get like chocolate cigars And like anything adults that was like also chocolate was like the perfect present for us You can definitely imagine like the shitty kid you knew as a kid also like demanding this instead of like a chocolate bunny for Easter I don't want any pussy bunny. Like give me a fucking grenade, you know Here's a cop.
Here's one of the reviews from shelves. He says great product Really delicious.
My girlfriend loved it for our one-year anniversary I would definitely buy it again for your one Got it. Is that is that true Katie? Do you find this a romantic gift?
I know I know I just pulled the pin Oh God jump on it.
It's not bad chocolate. Yeah, I'll take a bite Tell everyone I have permanent retainer side braces and the bottom ones broke so I'm not gonna be biting into them You Sure You know, well chocolates not bad You know, it's a fun shape. I feel like they're not taking full advantage of the grenade Quality of it, right? Like you shouldn't like there should be something inside or it should explode or something. Yeah There's there's a little bit of a promise. Yeah, there's like pop rocks Yeah Just like explosives just like just like yeah Or like like Mentos inside it's like dropping into a big thing of diet coke And then you have like a weird chocolate minced coke Here's another there might have been something I have another review this was a gift for this is from monarch It's already melting.
Well, this was a gift for a family member and was he ever pleased? I love the things that people decide to leave comment wise Alright, well, let's just like it. What do you what would what would you guys rate this? And how much do you does it cost that's the other you know what I got to give it at least four stars Okay, I feel like so far of all the things you've had if you're like, hey, you can take home one of these things Yeah, I'd probably be most interested in taking this home.
Yeah Especially your kid like it's like in your like Christmas Yeah, but I can't give it a full five because I don't think it's like a Christmas bag What do you wait? You know Christmas works every morning? I'm so excited and I'm coming down the stairs and my mom has or Santa or whoever it is I don't know has hung up the Christmas bags all over the house. Are you trying to hide the truth about Santa from our viewers?
Like oh wait, I don't know. I don't know what to think.
It's like I don't want to blow the lid off I'm gonna leave the Christmas bags Mike Well Four star four stars This is also cost 12 bucks. This is 1199. That's the cost less than the fat replica.
Yeah All right, let's move on to our last product this is The gorilla morph suit Oh So this is one of those like green, you know like green man, yeah, whatever suits That will look something like this, which does not look like a gorilla in my mind You can see through them drink through them party in them It looks honestly terrifying on the picture These things I like recognize how dumb they are, but I love them so much Like I think they're they're just like pure joy, you know You're just like trying to have a good time when you're wearing it. Yeah, and like I don't like Okay. Well, hold on. I should rephrase this. I was gonna say could you see one of these things and not smile?
But like maybe in a dark alley This was like just following you down the street like you're just like pull it down farther Katie I Feel like it's just funny to me in that how little it looks like a gorilla It looks like you're playing like a Nintendo 64 game and you're fighting like a girl gets the wrong leg Katie I put my pants on the same as everyone else one leg at a time put the other And then I it takes me an hour to get ready in the morning I didn't realize that one of the selling points of these things that you could drink through them I don't think you should drink that seems bad, right? Why would you want to like drink liquid through fabric? That's it's like waterboarding yourself You're like having like a chill time Waterboarding yourself and like I can't imagine like that feels bad for it.
Like so you Maybe take your sweater off If you do you need help do you have it looking great It's okay, so I have an entire outfit on all right Okay, great All right, it's over your shoulders. I don't like your hair. Yeah, what are you gonna? I don't want to like I Can't wait to try drinking a beer through it You look really casual do you want to try some durillos? You can't see that like I can make out shapes I can tell that's your fan Can you Can you with that on can you can you maneuver just get a sense for how well you can see? Can you like pick up those scissors on the table?
Here's the test here's some scissors I Think I think if I came around a corner and saw you doing that I would I would fucking sprint away as fast as I could Oh god, I feel like this is the scariest. This is unintentionally scary Yeah, looking at it live in person Just doesn't look like a gorilla the mouth seems too big right maybe because it's like part of your I guess I'd give it four stars and hold on do you guys want to guess how much it costs? Oh, it's got to be I'm gonna say Yeah, I would say maybe even more Halloween costumes are always like they're made of like tissue paper and it's like it's $200 It's cuz it looks kind of like spider-man Yeah Okay, it does look like it it's kind of expensive it is 4697 okay, not bad for what a weird Okay It does That's why it's Yeah, it's subsidized. Yeah, you're like you're you're walking ad now, you know, great Yeah, I just want to be a gorilla now here. I am Okay, well how many stars would you get this five stars, okay, really maybe Well, I think I didn't try it on I have to say Just have this on I think it'd be fine like it put me better obviously, but um, maybe like Maybe three stars. I really want to put it on and try to scare somebody right now. Is that possible? How quickly can you get dressed I'll put that on and we could go around the corner and try to surprise Jillian Sure, so whatever they are sure Maybe if someone's not listening Just want to just check this out real fast If you if you get a good scare out of someone Yeah, because it is a Halloween costume.
It is fun once you understand it But if you just don't know what it is out of the corner your eye and you see this thing Honestly, nothing could be scary. I think it's you know, I think it's fun. It seems to work it looks like You know, this is this is a good time in a small bundle So so disappointing when you get it get the shoulders up to your waist they go that's about as far as it goes Yeah, that crotch is really You know from behind the chair Oh God See if I can actually scare someone Thank you five stars Oh Stars I'm gonna give this five stars. Well, thanks for watching Join us next time.
Thanks. Bye. This is going in the award then I think it's the wrong leg Katie I put my pants on the same as everyone else one leg at a time but And then I it takes me an hour to get ready in the morning I didn't realize that one of the selling points of these things that you could drink through them That seems bad, right, why would you want to like drink liquid through fabric that's it's like waterboarding yourself You're like having like a chill time Waterboarding yourself and like I can't imagine like that feels bad for it. Like so you Maybe take your sweater off If you do you need help All right It's okay, so I have an entire outfit on all right Okay, great fix it. All right, it's over your shoulders. I don't like your hair. Yeah. What do you get it zipper?
I don't want to like We're going to try drinking a beer through it I Look really casual do you want to try some derrios? You can't see that like I can make out shapes I can tell that's your fan Can you smells really bad? Can you with that on can you can you maneuver just to get a sense for how well you can see? Can you like pick up those scissors on the table? Here's the test here's some scissors It just smells like plastic I Think I think if I came around a corner and saw you doing that I would I would fucking sprint away as fast God I feel like this is the scariest.
This is unintentionally scary. Yeah looking at it Too big right Maybe cuz it's like part of your Yeah I Guess I'd give it four stars. Well, hold on.
Do you guys want to guess how much it costs? Oh, it's got to be I'm gonna say 80 Yeah, yeah I'd say maybe even more Halloween costumes are always like they're made of like tissue paper and it's like it's $200 It's cuz it looks kind of like spider-man Yeah Okay, it does look like it it's kind of expensive it is 4697 okay, not bad for what a weird Okay Yeah, it's subsidized eggs you're like you're you're walking ad now, you know, I just want to be a gorilla now Here I am shilling for Animal Planet Okay, well how you how many stars would you get this five stars, okay, really maybe Well, what would you do?
I think I think I didn't try it on I have to say Put it on and try to scare somebody right now Is that possible? How quickly can you get dressed like I'll put that on and we could go around the corner and try to surprise Jillian Sure, so whatever they are sure Maybe if someone's not listening Just want to just check this out real fast. Let's see if they can If you if you get a good scare out of someone Because it is a Halloween costume. It is fun once you understand it But if you just don't know what it is out of the corner your eye and you see this thing Honestly, nothing could be scary It seems to work it looks like You know, this is it this is a good time in us in a small bundle So so disappointing when you get it get the shoulders up to your waist they go that's about as far as it goes Yeah, that crotch is really Yeah, give it a good Get up from behind the chair Oh God Guys I'm just gonna test this out see if I can actually scare someone My actual grade of I We're all of you friends we're all of you guys you're watching the stream Thank you five stars Five stars, I'm gonna give this five stars, well, thanks for watching Join us next time.
Thanks. Bye. This is going in the award |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_old_fashioned_cigarette_on_banning_vapes_snl | Australia is moving to ban disposable nicotine vapes as more and more countries take efforts to reduce child addiction. Here to comment on vaping is an old-fashioned cigarette.
Hey, it's great to meet you, Cigarette. Meet me? Yeah, okay. Oh, now that we're on Tv, we've never met before. my butt's been in your mouth like a million times. Okay. no, I don't smoke. Oh, what are your parents watching tonight? Alright, I'll play a line. Thank you for coming, Old-fashioned Cigarette. how are you doing?
Colin, I've been better. it ain't easy being a cigarette these days. everyone wants to vape. ooh, let's vape. can I hit your vape? And now look, the children are dead. Great job, guys. vapes are so much better. that's not what's happening. Also, you're not so innocent yourself. I mean, before vapes, kids definitely smoked cigarettes. true, but they looked cool doing it. so it was fine. You ever seen a kid vape? they don't even do it with confidence. blowing it down their little shirts. storks. Okay. Alright, the cigarettes are still bad, though. you know, in London, they don't even have a cool nickname for vapes. you know what they call a cigarette in London? Yes, I do. say it. I'm not going to say it. relax. no one's going to take it out of context and make it a meme. Alright, well, it sounds like you're not a fan of vapes, So what do you think about Australia and other countries trying to ban them? Welcome to the show, Vapes.
First time. they used to love me, too. now they're trying to make me go the way of the dodo. but it'll never work. I'm too good. You know how good smoking a cigarette is? cigarettes are so good, we're dessert for sex. Hey, that sex was good, But you know what I want right now? me, baby. yeah. How do you think you've been able to stick around this long? I'm cool. And you're cool if you smoke me. Nbc Pride doesn't want me saying this directly to kids, but smoking makes you skinny and popular. And for guys, it adds a couple inches. Cigarette, come on. I know, I know, I'm bad. But God, I look good. can't say the same for vapes. like, look at these studs on Team Cigarette.
Oh, yeah, Marlon Brando. little guy number one in my day. who else? Oh, Elizabeth Taylor. she's cool, too. she's like Marlon Brando, But girl, keep it going.
Ron Jeremy? you're a hero. See, I told you it added a few inches. Okay. isn't Ron Jeremy in prison for something horrible?
Oh, well, not him then. Still, though, Taylor and Brando, not bad. Now, look who they've got on Team Vape. Vapes didn't even exist back then.
Oh, okay. defend him. Defend him.
All right, you know what? no more pictures. one more picture. no more pictures. it'll be good this time. one more. All right, fine. one more. I did the same picture.
I'm a cigarette. I'm a bad boy. old-fashioned cigarette, everyone. find me a new mom. |
cracked | drunken_hooligans_answer_all_of_life_s_questions_cracked_improv_3_of_4 | Hey, let me ask you something.
There's this woman on our block, right? Maybe you've seen her. She's like 78 years old. She's not working anymore, obviously. Every day I see this woman. She's got makeup on. She's got a little black hat on. She's got a coat, dresses up, walks. Well, I know this woman. Oh, I see this woman.
Just walks all day.
And she's that kind of old where it's like, her face doesn't even know anymore, so it's just always sour, because that's the way it felt. And I see it, and sometimes I wake up and I see this woman, and it's beautiful. It's beautiful at 78 years old.
She's got no one around. She's still fucking getting it together. She's going out there. She's like, I'm not gonna let my age camp for me or anything like that.
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna prowl. I'm gonna live in this world and make sure I get known.
And it's the best part of my day. Some days though, I wake up, and I think of this woman alone, fucking shaky hands, staring in the mirror, putting on lipstick for no one, for fucking no one.
And it's the most tragic thing I could even think of. Like, I can't think of anything more tragic.
And it's the same woman. She's not changing.
So like, what does that mean? Like, what does it even mean? Do you know?
Oh, that was bleeding depressing, mate. Fucking out here. Fuck this. Going back to England, and being a fucking wizard, I'm gonna kill Voldemort. Yeah, I mean, eventually she'll be dead, so it's like...
I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now, or dead or something. Jerry, can make things the way that they were. I'm not your savior.
All the power in the world, and he uses it to con muggles. Donnie, show her the gold.
All day, all day. I'm not your savior. Ow, ow. The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow. All day, all day. If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what I'll do. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. Pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drugging old man. All day, all day.
I got a drink in my hand, chugging in another one. I think that's my plan. Yeah, yeah.
We killing it for show. Tip a little fucking, don't spill it on the floor. No. We... |
dropout | the_bad_breath_chicken_challenge_sponsored | I'm Mike, and I'm Eugene, and we got six hundred and twelve likes, and hired thousands of people to watch us in the Bad Breath Chicken Challenge on this episode of Will It Kill It! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Bad Breath Chicken Challenge. We're here in the historic Francis Hobart Theater with our four contestants, one of whom will walk home with the title of Chicken Challenge winner. Chicken Challenge Champion! Let's meet our contestants!
First up, we have Burton Burton. And right over here, we have Christian Chumsky. Good to meet you. I hear you have a collection of over eighty hats. Here we go. Gerald B. Martinez. And right here, we have Ulysses S. Caulfield. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our food presenter, Tim! I don't like Tim because he scares me. Alright. First, we have over here, we have for Jay.
We have some sauerkraut. The game works like this. Our contestants are going to take a big old mouthful of this stank food, then they're going to breathe in each other's noses. Whoever can stay in that breath longest wins and goes on to the final round.
So, Jenix, let go ahead and breathe. Now you breathe.
Whoa! We got a lot of them. And time! Oh! We both made it through round one. Fantastic. Congratulations. Kip, could you tell me exactly how Melissa's breath smelled to you?
Well, pretty bad. Like, pretty bad.
That is classic Antoine. Yeah, it sure is.
We're going to get first. From the end of Asia, we have natto. Nicely that natto, the fermented slime coming off the natto. Glennis is doing some sort of technique. We're cheap.
Holds her nose and cries. Get those nostril holes right in them.
Oh! Now who is out, ladies and gentlemen? He is done. Again with the blowing technique. Blowing technique. I don't think you can see it from here. Her face is soaking wet. Oh! Jamal is out.
All right, Uncle Tio, I want you to take one of these Listerine Pocket Packs. Go ahead and blow it in Botswana's mouth. How does it smell, Botswana?
Not bad. Hey, Hannibal. Thank you for coming. We're going to ask that you walk home without your shoes.
Really? Yep. Yeah.
Tamila Kwa, I want to thank you for coming out. You are headed on to the final round of the Bad Breath Chicken Challenge. We are here with the two Louisans. The two Louisans? What are the chances the two ladies named Louise would be challenging each other in the final round of the Bad Breath Challenge?
Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take all four of the foods that we've already eaten today. We're going to put them in the blender.
Natto first. Natto.
Pause it.
Somebody doesn't know how to use a blender, everybody.
There we go. Let's bring out a couple of glasses from the scary person that we hired named Tam. There we go.
Cheers. Very polite. Oh, boy. Kathleen. Kathleen, go ahead. You go ahead and sip.
Whoops. Alexa's really got it happening over here. You all right? Well. She can't even get a breath out. Whoops. Okay, that's terrifying. Alex is out. Sam now is out.
We have a winner. We have a bad breath chicken champion. Well, Antonia, you won the grand prize. So we're going to head out and get you your grand prize.
Hey. Come on. Hi. This room that looks exactly the same as the last one we were in. You have become the champion of the bad breath chicken championship. Take some of those for your friends. That's for you, Tamesh. This is the grand prize. Hello.
That's a chicken, my friend. That's not a chicken.
This is for you. That chicken has been being passed down for over 100 years to all the winners of the bad breath chicken challenge. And you, Miss Thing, are the newest winner. Now, winning all these prizes, what have you learned today? This is the worst prize ever.
Oh. Say that to someone that doesn't have a chicken. Yeah. Or doesn't have a name like Kakomski. Yeah. This has been another episode of Win It, Kick It! Oh. Say that to someone that doesn't have a chicken. Yeah. Or doesn't have a name like Kakomski. Yeah. This has been another episode of Win It, Kick It! |
cracked | 7_celebrities_who_have_clearly_lost_their_minds_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take, my name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and despite what that magazine tells you, stars, they're not just like us. They were at a certain point, but then they got so famous that people stopped telling them the truth and started telling them whatever they wanted to hear.
For instance, watch this interview with Alicia Silverstone, who participates in the controversial parenting technique of birding. What's birding, you ask?
The horrifying possibilities slowly dawning on you, so the good news is she does not try to teach her children to walk by pushing them from the highest branch of a tall tree. The bad news is you're gonna wish it was that first one.
Silverstone's practice of pre-chewing her son's food, feeding it to him like a mama bird. That's right, she chews up the food for her child and spits it directly into his mouth, which has been commended as a good way to pass on healthy enzymes by Silverstone, while actual nutritionists have called it f***ing gross. This interview is actually a great study in how celebrities go from normal to banana sandwich seemingly overnight. As Silverstone explains, the horrifying story of how it started, her son coming at her mouth with his mouth open. Watch what the interviewer does. And basically how it started was simply that Bear, when he was about five months old, he sort of would be eating and he'd come at me with his little mouth open and be on my mouth trying to get the food out of my mouth. And then after a while, I started to think about how, wow, you know, so many parents complain that their kids never eat vegetables. I hear my kid is basically trying to attack my mouth.
Rather than making this face, she makes a face like, you said it, sister, I am right there with you. See, that woman wants Alicia Silverstone to like her, so she tells her she's bravely starting a conversation. I didn't expect it to do what it did, but it started a conversation, yeah.
Instead of inventing the creepiest image of a mother feeding her son since that nursing twelve-year-old in Game of Thrones. And we don't tell the truth to people we want to like us, except behind their back, you know, like cowards. So with that in mind, here's a bunch of celebrities who have completely lost their grip with reality and who I would abandon every single one of my friends to hang out with.
Jerry Seinfeld is furious about how PC America has become in the time since he was funny, which is weird because his best jokes have always been about airplane peanuts and chopsticks. On The Seth Meyers Show last year, he explained the joke that has him so riled up. I do this joke about the way people need to justify their cell phone. I need to have it with me because people are so important. You know, I said, well, they don't seem very important the way you scroll through them like a gay French king, you know, just, well, I did this line recently in front of an audience and you can, you know, companies where you can kind of feel like an opinion.
And they thought, yeah, what do you mean gay? What are you talking about gay? What do you say? Gay? What do you, what do you do? What do you mean? You know?
No, see, I think they're legitimately confused. See, it's a safe joke about the way people scroll through email like kings picking a court jester to have beat up for their amusement. Bit of a false premise since this isn't how people actually scroll through email, but you gave us seven great seasons of comedy, so I'll pretend that's how they do it. But the French king in question needs to be dismissive and bored, neither traits associated with gay people. It would have been equally confusing if you'd said they scroll through their emails like a tall French king.
In an episode of comedians and cars getting coffee, Seinfeld says, isn't it just a matter of time before transgender is just an airline? You get on one sex, you get off the other. Not a great Seinfeld, but anyways, clearly that sentence is supposed to be a joke because they use it to punctuate the scene.
Whose car is that? The wife? That is my daughter's. Are you Donnie? My son's.
Sex change? That's... we don't know. Is it just a matter of time before transgender is an airline? You just get on one sex and you get off the other one?
And if you told that to a crowd of people, you wouldn't get a laugh because, again, there's no joke there. There isn't even a smart observation, it's just gibberish. There's a creepy PC thing out there that really bothers me. It's not that people are being too PC, it's that your edgy material is too incoherent. There's also this thing his daughter said to him that he calls creepy. I don't play colleges, but I hear a lot of people tell me, don't go near colleges.
They're so PC. Hey, I'll give you an example. My daughter's 14. My mother, my mother, my wife says to her, well, you know, in the next couple of years, I think maybe you're going to be hanging around the city more on the weekends so you can see boys. You know, my daughter says, she says, that's sexist. Isn't that, you know, it's amazing. That they just want to use these words.
That's racist. That's sexist. That's prejudice.
They don't even know what I'm talking about. Look, teenage kids say stupid shit. It's just that most people aren't courageous enough to throw their own children under the bus to prove their kid is a creep.
But you showed her for maybe not wanting to spend her time chasing boys around New York like some sort of speedy Irish prime minister. It's a matter of Seinfeld, my Irish prime minister joke too real for you. 300,000 people gathered in Philadelphia to see the Pope in person earlier this year.
And someone was like, you know who should MC that event? Mark Wahlberg, guy from Boston who's super awesome at pretending to be a dumb guy in movies and claiming he could have stopped the 9-11 hijackings in real life. That guy. That right there was truly the voice of an angel.
But then he whispered in my ear that he loved the movie Ted. I told him that was not appropriate for a boy of his age. Holy Father, please forgive me. I've always hoped that the good Lord has a sense of humor when it comes and pertains to many of the movies that I've made. It's a matter of not a fan of raunchy R-rated comedy franchise Ted the Pope. To be fair to Wahlberg, it's not totally absurd for him to assume the Pope is a huge fan of his movies since when the Pope came to America, somebody asked Mark Wahlberg to MC the event.
It's especially weird that Philadelphia, a city he's not even from, was the one who asked him since his biggest connection to Philly is that football movie he starred in nine years ago. Once again, earning their nickname, Philadelphia, we can't tell the difference between sports movies and reality. Look, I don't expect athletes to be super bright.
Blake Griffin is probably the funniest player in the NBA and he ended a Rolling Stone interview. He was totally nailing with this exchange, Griffin.
I believe in creationism for sure. Interviewer. Oh, so you think the earth is only 6,000 years old? Griffin. I don't want to do the math, but somewhere around there. And interview. Yeah, that's one of the smart ones.
Still, I have to take issue with Reggie Miller being given a job as a basketball commentator because I watch basketball and I've had to listen as he says stuff like I think Anthony Davis is starting to recognize, you know what, I may be the best player on the floor. No pun intended, Steph Curry. I do a little bit more for my team. He doesn't follow that up with a pun. He's not at that time running across the court serving someone named Stephanie a bowl of Curry or something. Reggie Miller just doesn't know what puns are. And that's not an isolated incident.
Here he is during Derek Fisher's first game back to Utah after begging out of his contract with them to be closer to his daughter's cancer doctors in New York. After Utah granted his release, Fisher signed with LA, which you might recognize as not closer to New York. People from Utah were pissed since they don't like to admit what a boring place Utah is to live and booed him in his first game back.
Now, here's Miller trying to make sense of the fairly straightforward story I just told you. Yeah, for being one of the best sh** talkers in NBA history, Reggie Miller is really sh** idiot talking. On the echo chamber of racism and insanity that is the view, Kelly Osborne was trying to make a point about Donald Trump's stance on immigration.
Let's see how she did. Come on, you guys know what she means. Mexican people don't exist when they're not cleaning our toilets. Guys, don't twist her words. Now you might have seen that back when it happened, but what I didn't realize at the time is that Rosie Perez got rightly offended, but by the end of the episode, the rest of the panel had guilted her, Rosie Perez, into apologizing for being mad. It's the matter with you making that poor, rich white girl feel bad about being racist. They don't bring you on to stir up trouble, they bring you on to make them feel okay about their racist beliefs.
It's called the view, not the views. LA is actually a diverse, multicultural city with a burgeoning foodie scene and some of the best restaurants in the country, which they enjoy on the two days a year they're not in the midst of a juice cleanse where you eat only paprika and lemon juice between April and Christmas. The hallucinations begin in July and that's how you come up with your child's name. Gwyneth Paltrow proved that she was about as down to earth as those people who believed they could catch a ride on a comet passing earth by drinking cyanide.
And she posted this picture on Instagram with the caption, This is what $29 gets you at the grocery store. What families on SNAP, i.e. food stamps, have to live on for a week. Those poor families having to subsist on just seven limes a week. You know, mothers with more experience making a dollar stretch would probably have gone heavier on rice and grains at the expense of the ingredients for fresh guacamole you blew half your budget on.
This Barbara Walters interview with Sean Connery is from the 80s back when America was homophobic, transphobic, racist, and still knew that you shouldn't say this. Nobody has ever so utterly failed to follow the advice of their publicist. The amazing thing is, he actually appears to be choosing his words carefully. Like how can I put this in the most politically correct way possible, okay? I like Hitler, Bush did 9-11. Or more likely he's thinking, how do I explain this in a way a woman will understand it?
Fun! Hey, you guys, we have a live podcast coming up on February 3rd, a great day for movie making. Right, and art that has been with us for generations. We're going to fix the Oscars, the Academy Awards, we're going to make up new categories that are better than the ones we have, and here are the nominees for the better awards. Where's your podcast going to be? Oh, DCV Theater.
That's right. Thanks. Thank you, Dan. |
wearethesundayblues | taylor_swift_bad_blood_parody_dad_bod_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Another YouTube comment calling me fat What did you do that for?
Never read the YouTube comments, ever Plus, I don't understand what you're worried about We've got DadBuds It's the latest thing, the ladies love it What are you talking about?
Remember that Now D-A-D-B-O-D's is where it's at Dab off the Z to the ladies It is like crack, won't hesitate to Date you, a slightly overweight dude Six packs and rip dabs in the headlines It's old news, take time to embrace food Drink a beer or four and don't be no more Better yet, ain't gotta hit the gym no more Ah, ah, oh It's alright to Just embrace the good times Food and wine Food and wine Food and wine Cause baby now we got DadBuds You know we used to feel like slobs But take a look what I've got These ladies all about DadBuds These ladies all about DadBuds Now we can blossom The midriff can't evolve And Do it really because These ladies all about DadBuds Homemade fresh baked burger rolls Sauteed beef And sloppy joes If you eat like that Your gut will grow Slow cook full of pork burritos Chicken wings Roast potatoes If you eat like that Your gut will grow If you eat like that Your gut will grow Cause baby now we got DadBuds You know we used to feel like slobs But take a look what I've got These ladies all about DadBuds Now we can blossom The midriff can't evolve And Do it really because These ladies all about DadBuds |
cracked | 4_bonkers_loki_plots_marvel_would_never_adapt_for_disney_canonball | Of all the characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Loki is the only one who gets away with trying to kill us all twice, and also dying himself three times, and then still getting his own Disney Plus show. I really don't see what all the fuss is about. Thanks to Tom Hiddleston's performance, the internet is full of Loki cosplay, Loki fan art, and Loki fan fiction. Nani? But movie Loki is old news, and we're diving into the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that Tom Hiddleston would probably try and kill us a third time for mentioning. We're talking Loki's unhealthy obsessions with candy and eugenics, his troubling love of female identity theft, and the time he turned the god of thunder into the frog of thunder.
This is cannonball. It's actually kind of impressive that Marvel Studios managed to make a sympathetic character out of someone who spent 50 years pulling **** moves, like... Number four.
Loki repeatedly **** blocks Thor. In Thor's earliest Marvel Comics adventures, Jane Foster is an intrepid nurse whose greatest aspiration is, well, polishing Thor's hammer. Thor loves Jane, and Jane lusts after both Thor and his secret identity of crippled doctor Donald Blake, who's basically Dr. House, but blonde and slightly more personable.
It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
So what's stopping these two from turning the comic into 20 monthly pages of glorious, literally godlike lovemaking? Mainly Loki and his most devious superpower, **** blocking. Loki is constantly telling on Thor to their dad, Odin, who's kind of old-fashioned and doesn't believe in mixing human and Asgardian genitals. I have failed to destroy Thor's love for a mortal female. In Journey Into Mystery number 103 from 1964, Loki even convinces Odin to send the most desirable goddess in Asgard to seduce Thor, for the specific purposes of keeping him from scoring with Jane. Thor barely notices that there's an impossibly attractive lady throwing herself at him, but she still succeeds in making Jane jealous via a smooth seduction technique, pretending to have defective ankles. Another time in Journey Into Mystery number 88, Loki takes advantage of Thor's love for Jane and Jane's severe tiger blindness to put Thor's hammer into a force field. And since not holding his mallet for 60 seconds or more is Thor's version of kryptonite, this means he's now trapped in his puny human form, and no one can stop Loki from doing the most evil things imaginable.
Luckily, the most evil things he could think of in 1963 were turning things into candy, and disarming Soviet nukes. To the relief of communist diabetics everywhere, Thor manages to get his hammer back by tricking the god of trickery via a plastic dummy and some ventriloquism. Yeah, the 60s were not Loki's brightest years. We're getting the impression that candy wasn't the only substance he was abusing back then.
As for Jane, it looks like Loki actually helped her dodge a bullet by sabotaging her relationship with Thor. Number three, Loki the future Nazi versus Thor the domestic abuser. In Guardians of the Galaxy number 39 from 1993, we meet the Loki of the year 2993, and he's pretty much the same rapscallion we know and love, except he's way more into eugenics and misogyny, but mostly eugenics. It turns out Loki has spent centuries breeding a perfect race of mutant killers just so he can invade Asgard and take revenge on Thor. This means that, in some multiverse, there are thousands and thousands of published comic pages about Loki forcing superhuman creatures to have sex with each other. But in our wretched universe, Marvel refuses to show us this story, because apparently they c***bock just as hard as Loki. What Marvel did show us is the moment Loki's master race storms Asgard and meets future Thor, and it's just a huge sorry mess. Thor, that is.
The god of thunder has really let himself go by 2993, and he doesn't even have a sweet beard and a Lebowski sweater to balance it out. He's also started carrying a fake mule near instead of the real one, in a sad attempt to hide the fact that he can't get it up anymore, and his wife is not fooled. The story of how Thor got like that is even sadder than his looks. After marrying the goddess Sif, Thor immediately turns into a deadbeat dad and abandons her and their son Woden, who copes by becoming an insufferable little turd. Woden steps in and forces Thor to stay in Asgard and raise the brat, but that just makes him resent his family even more. So he seeks solace in his best friends, food and alcohol. At this point Woden decides that no dad is better than an embarrassing dad and runs away from home, leading to a marital dispute in which Thor raises his hand to try to hit Sif. And we say try because the fight doesn't end well for him.
In the end, a grown-up, surprisingly well-adjusted Woden and Odin prevent Herr Loki from annexing Asgard, and they're even kind enough to let Thor tag along so he'll feel better about himself. But believe it or not, this isn't even Thor's most undignified transformation. That honor goes to... Number 2 The time Loki turned Thor into a frog. In the classic Mighty Thor number 364 from 1986, Loki needs to get Thor out of the way to become the new ruler of Asgard after Odin's death.
So he uses a powerful spell to make sure his brother croaks too. But in a literal sense.
Thor frog leaps into the Avengers mansion and writes, Help! I'm Thor! on some spilled sugar. But Tony Stark's butler Jarvis either can't read or never cared much for Thor anyway because he chases him away with a broom.
Frog ends up in Central Park where he discovers the frogs there are involved in a vicious war against the local rat community. Never one to pass up on some good old-fashioned carnage, Throg kills some rats, drags their corpses down to New York sewers and uses them to lure the alligators living there to come up and slaughter the rest of the rodents. Presumably causing irreparable damage to the ecosystem. He tells the other frogs he's helping them because lives are precious no matter how humble they may be. Unless you're a rat, then fuck you. Naturally, the frog queen is extremely turned on by Throg and practically begs him to take her right then and there.
But Throg remembers this is supposed to be a superhero comic and goes off to find his hammer. It turns out that frog arms aren't exactly designed to wield mallets, which is a major design flaw by mother nature if you ask us. But after some difficulty, Throg manages to lift it and he's finally restored to his human form. No pee becomes a frog in a Thor costume. But at least now he's powerful enough to beat the crap out of Loki until he undoes the spell. Even after returning to normal, Thor retains his knowledge of the froggy language and occasionally stops by Central Park to catch up and shoot the shit with his frog bros.
Loki apparently learned his lesson and hasn't tried to transform Thor into any other animal since. Nope, now Loki reserves his shape-shifting experiments for himself.
Or herself?
Number one, Loki hijacks a female hero's body. Stories about Loki looking like a lady predate Marvel comics by centuries. In one tale from ancient Norse mythology, Thor's hammer is stolen by a giant who will only return it if the gods set him up with a local Asgardian hottie he wants to marry, Frasier. When Frasier says she isn't interested in that frosty giant ding-dong, Loki convinces Thor to put on a wedding dress and poses her in front of the giant, with Loki himself acting as a bridesmaid.
The giant senses that something is amiss when his delicate bride single-handedly gulps down an entire ox, ate salmon, and many barrels of mead. But he's so infatuated that he lets it fly.
Aww. And then Thor beats him to death with a hammer before their wedding night. Aww.
Another time, Loki shapeshifts into a mare, gets it on with a stallion, and gives birth to an eight-legged horse, just to win a bet. And yes, this story is canon in the Marvel universe. So when all the Asgardian gods die and come back in Marvel's Thor series from 2007 and Loki's new body happens to be female, the other gods don't think it's that weird. Hey, at least he's the right species and has the correct number of limbs. But this is Loki, so of course it can't be that simple. The gross, awkward reality is that Loki hijacked a body his brother is intimately familiar with, Sith's. It strikes my fancy. The same Sith that Thor dated for ages and will marry in his hypothetical drunken deadbeat dad future. The real Sith is trapped in the body of a dying old lady while Loki goes around flaunting her goods in front of guys like Dr. Doom, who, to be fair, is a gentleman and does his best not to stare. Loki likes the hijacking of female hero's identity scam so much that he starts pulling double shifts to pose as Scarlet Witch in the Avengers while still posing as totally not Sith in Asgard. The Avengers only realize what's going on when Hawkeye makes out with Wanda Loki and determines that she's not the real deal because, quote, the lips don't lie. Once again, Shakira's paraphrased wisdom saves the day. So as you root for Loki in his new show, remember that in the comics, he's a cock-blocking, eugenics-loving, frog-transforming, horse-birthing, lady-body hijacking jerk.
If anyone in the Marvel universe deserves to be cancelled, it's this guy. How about a nice Throg series instead, Disney?
That's way more on-brand for you guys. Hi, I'm Jesse.
We like to have fun here at Cannonball, but the truth is, millions of fictional love interests suffer from weak ankles. But you can help by simply liking, subscribing, and ringing the bell. You can help a dated trope get prescription socks. Do the right thing. |
dropout | how_moustaches_helped_win_a_basketball_championship_feat_rob_riggle | In 1999, the Pebble College Five revolutionized the game of basketball. You have to remember, in the 90s, in college basketball, nobody ever used a mustache as a sweatband replacement. We changed the game. This was a revolution.
Yeah, growing up as a kid in Iowa, I mean, Pebble College was a hit. Guys like Joe Twinkle, Kat Kempton, Julius Cornwall, Dan John, Matt Clunderful, Tling Blassman. These guys were my heroes. I remember when it was time to decide where I was going to go to school, Coach F called me up and he said, do you want to be a Pebble?
I was like, excuse me? You know, I had terrible cell reception. I couldn't hear him at all. So he said it again, still didn't hear it. You know, so we just kind of sorted it out later. He called the house phone.
10 championship rings. Mercedes Benson, the driveway.
No more sweatpants. Me, personally, I sweat a lot. It's bad. It was worse back then. At a certain point, Coach F's canned cranberry sauce just wasn't cutting it. They wanted him fired. Sweating like that. With no elasticized terry claw to absorb it, it was hell. By mid-January, they were 1 in 15. It was the worst and sweatiest record in the history of our school's basketball program. I remember getting heckled by our own team.
We had a lot of fun.
I think we solved the problem. The basic premise behind it was using human mustache hair to absorb perspiration. But now we can use our mustaches using facial hair to stop with each other's sweat.
Yeah, nowadays, sure, it seems pretty obvious, but back in the 90s, no one was doing this. Do you need to get close to your teammates? Yeah, obviously, but does it work every damn time?
Back from the dead in 99, these guys were hot. This wasn't a comeback, this was a takeover.
Lunch boxes, t-shirts, you couldn't go to a playground in the United States without seeing a mustache. Those mustaches saved me, they saved our team, you know? Many believe those mustaches saved our country. We were a part of sports history. See, the pebbles didn't just save their team, they made an important contribution to men's health by laying down the groundwork for the Movember Foundation. You grow a mustache and the world opens up to you. That's what the pebbles taught us.
It's like a hairy key on your face. It's like a big, hairy face key.
Well, we had, you know, there was the tragic free pebble night in 1975, which went tragically wrong. We said we'd never do that again, of course we did it again in 1982, we had free pebble night, and then we said, that's it, no more free pebbles because this is a mess and people are getting hurt. We changed it to free battery night, and that actually went worse. |
SaturdayNightLive | nbc_promos_saturday_night_live | Mr. Trump, can you just stand behind the mic on your mark? Mr. Trump?
Hold the phone. actually, I'm holding the phones. I'm hot-syncing all the measurements of the Miss Usa contestants from my Blackbird curve to my E-phone. And we're hot-sunk.
All right, let's crank these many commercials out for Nbc. I need to get back to shooting the Celebrity Apprentice, which, by the way, is getting huge post-air Dvr rating hits in the 30-to-35-year-old white male douche demographic.
What's first? All right, you and Tom Green? Oh, let's make this one fast. this guy really skeeps my beef. that guy's on Jupiter. Okay, Tom, you're going to say take it away, Mr. Trump.
And then, Mr. Trump, you'll sing the Nbc Chime. Nbc. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna sing the Nbc Chime song.
That's fine with me. And action. I'm a doggy. I eat spaghetti.
And on this season's Celebrity Apprentice, you'll see freaks like this and a couple of modestly hot ladies with nice pairs peeking out of their tops. Bing, Bing, Bing, Celebrity Apprentice.
And Cut. Okay, thank you, Tom. let's keep this parade of the ding-dongs moving. can we get Joan Rivers, please? Oh, oh, what do you need, Dorothy? hurry up. I've got to start putting on my makeup for the Oscars. next year's Oscars. Oh, oh. this one's got a voice like a running toilet. it never stops. Okay, so, Joan, you'll be saying marry Me, Donald, And then Donald says this can be our wedding song. And then you sing Nbc. be ready with extra tape. I might riff again. Oh, good. And action. Marry me, Donald, but don't ask my father for permission. he's buried in a pyramid. Oh! this is trumpy. Do it. Bing, bing, bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Celebrity Apprentice. Okay, great. that's unusable. Thanks, Joan. Oh! I don't know if you noticed it, but I tossed in an extra big. Yeah, okay. Look, we need to get at least one good take, Mr. Trump, so maybe. I can't believe I'm going to say this.
Dennis Rodman. finally, somebody normal. Okay, Mr. Rodman, if you could, step up, please. step up to the Mic. Step Up to the Mic. Does the Mic know who I am? maybe it should step up to me.
And Action. Okay, action.
How long is this going to take? I've got to get a tattoo of my balls put on the back of my neck. The Celebrity Apprentice. it's a freak show in B-dong. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, Bing. and Cut. Check the gate. it's a wrap. it's not a wrap. I want everyone to meet me over at Chelsea Piers in an hour. you're going to be getting on ski dues and selling Mary Kay makeup to people walking along the river. And Derek Cheaters is going to be there. Thank you. |
dropout | troopers_suggestion_box | I got all this space stuff and then my... Huh? Uh, yeah, okay. I need you to... Hi there! I see you've used my suggestion box. No, it's dope! Me not just walking out of the hallway! Don't worry, it's completely anonymous. Why? Any of these suggestions could be yours. Hey, let's see what we have here.
See, company morale is very important. Put more mashed potatoes in the mess hall. Well, sir, sometimes there's just no food and...
Who the fuck do you think you are?! AHHH!!! He's dead! Yuck, I know! Shut up!
Uh, I'm really glad we're doing this. It's important you all don't feel like drones. You're their drone!
You're doing a great job. Aww. Well, it's true.
That is not a suggestion! Oh, dear. Can you believe that guy? Truth or sinister?
Sir, it's great that you're open to suggestions. Yes, great. I am great.
But you're killing everyone who suggests anything. I don't follow. Hello, dead man walking. Uh, I kind of thought this was going to be anonymous.
Oh, of course. Okay. Oh, shit!
You didn't even read a suggestion! Well, I'm sure it was terrible. Fewer random killings. See? Ridiculous. Why did you even put up a suggestion box?
It was a suggestion from a valued employee. May he rest in peace. Forgive me, my lord, but if you want your employees to respect you, then you need to actually listen to them. Or at least not kill them, you know? I mean, that's what being a boss is all about.
Wow. You're right. Oh, uh, thank you. I never really thought of it that way before. Well, you know, I think- Truly a great suggestion. You know, it's funny, I was- uh, fuck. |
cracked | 7_psychology_lessons_you_accidentally_learn_watching_sports_today_s_topic_geek_week | Am I right? Help me get on the same page as you. If we view sports as theatrical representations of the Freudian psyche, then the minds manifested in sports sweaty cosplay are clearly dumb ones. I no longer want to be on this page with you. You're familiar with Freud's three-part construct of the human psyche, right? If I say yes, is this going to start to feel like an actual conversation? You're boned either way. But that's exactly what Freud would say. Then he would say everything's a penis, and then he would do cocaine. Yes. Ego, superego, and the id.
That thing, the three. Yeah, I know that. Yes, and by saying that, you've agreed that the primary reason that we enjoy sports is because they create physical manifestations of those three components and then dramatize their interplay. No. The actual reason we enjoy sports is because of the hitting and how fast those men are and all the beer that I drink. Okay, but you have to admit there are clear analogues for each of those three components in sports, right? So take the id. That's the subconscious, chaotic part of the mind that demands pleasure. That's the players. They're the aggressive force.
They're the unchained animals that push their way past all the other desires and defy the limitations of reality en route to satisfaction. Anything's possible!
Then there's the superego, which is the socially-imposed moral consciousness that attempts to stop the id's attempts to please itself, a.k.a. the refs. The refs stop the players from pleasing themselves? Sometimes they do. But, they are there to impose society's rules on the players to prevent them from damaging themselves and the occasional alcoholic fan.
Run our test going after a fan! Oh my god. Holy sass, run our test from doing s***.
He's like a id's id. Anyway, the ego has to mediate between the id players and the superego refs while at the same time considering external factors like money, time, safety, basic reality stuff. In sports, the ego is the commissioner's job to determine how to apply the rules or how to level the competitive playing field, basically how much id to let loose. As much as possible? Yeah. But that's why sports are dumb now, because the commissioners are attempting to constrain the players to safe, predictable performances. Which is why they create new restrictions and new safety measures to inhibit the athletic progress we've made. They put a lid on the id, baby! Which in psychological terms represents a subdued, repetitive mind.
No genius. No exploration.
Just slam dunks and s***. Just slam dunks? Just slam dunks.
So your ideal sport is one where the id breaks free of its superego shackles? Yeah, my brain demands that. That sport exists. That's professional wrestling. Oh, you love it.
The players hit the refs with chairs all the time. And the refs, they like, arbitrarily enforce the rules.
What other sport does that? Probably other sports that are also not sports.
In wrestling, beating on a superego is expected. In the attitude era of WWF, Reficide was like a weekly occurrence.
Whoa! Oh god! The god almighty!
Plus, in wrestling, they actually dress up their id characters to represent fundamental human desires. Have you seen Valvenus? Hello ladies. I forgot his entrance fee is mostly him getting blow jobs. Yeah, contrast that with NBA players who are forced to wear suits and fake glasses to represent the brand. They aren't even allowed to express their individuality.
Here's the problem with your theory. In wrestling, the results are fixed. That's the ultimate act of the ego suppressing the id. If the id's exertions can't be rewarded with true actualization, i.e. realization of their goals, then the id is effectually rendered impotent. Impotent! If wrestling is a brain, it's a delusional one. But if the ideal sport is theatrical representation of the Freudian psyche, then wrestling is perfect because it's overtly theater. We all know the matches are rigged.
It is about the journey. That's what we're watching. That's what you said we watch sports for.
It's not delusional. It's aware. It knows that it's just having fun. Who cares? Shut up. Have fun.
Id.
What about your ego problem?
Jerk? Well, it's obviously bruised now. The ego in wrestling is Jim Ross, the commentator.
He interprets the desires of the id characters. He tells us how to feel about them, which ones to root for. He does do that. He does. He doesn't choose between them, which the ego must do. Oh, but he does.
Behind the scenes, Jim Ross' role at the WWE is talent development executive. He finds and develops these id characters before they get on TV. He sets the theatrical wheels in motion.
But wasn't he fired a bunch of times? And wait, and isn't he in wrestling matches sometimes? And hasn't he retired from announcing? Yeah, but you know, wrestling is dumb now.
There was a bird in it. Actually, hey guys, thanks for stopping by. I just wanted to talk to you about a pretty serious thing, because this is Cracked You Later stuff. I've been seeing it in the comments, leaks, and leaks, and that's like pretty 2012. So we're going to go forward in 2013 with the new slogan, Cracked Ya Doin'. So thanks for stopping by and subscribe. Cracked Ya Doin'. |
dropout | Comedians_Perform_Inigo_Montoya_s_Famous_Line_With_New_Direction_Make_Some_Noise_Minigame | I'm gonna give you a famous line of dialogue to repeat one at a time. In between readings, I will give you micro direction in order to affect your performance. In other words, an acting challenge.
Make sense?
Your line is, from the Princess Bride, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
Mandy Patinkin, the love of my life.
Josh, go.
My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Anna, give me a little bit more. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Izzy, give me a little bit more. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Josh, with an odd inflection. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
Anna, it's a secret.
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I'm prepared to die. Is he in an extreme close-up? My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepared to die. Josh, to a non-English speaker. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Anna, to someone on the phone, while silently arguing with someone in the room.
My name is Inigo Montoya. I'm loving you.
You killed my father.
Hi!
Prepare to die.
Izzy, on the verge of tears.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Josh, in a Saturday morning cartoon.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Anna, in a one-person show on Broadway.
It's just another day, I thought. And then I remembered.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
It was sweet, you know?
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Izzy, enjoying a tall, cool, barks rip-ear.
My name's Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Josh, a living statue that comes to life when someone puts a dollar in its hat.
Hey, my name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Anna, giving a TED Talk.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
Right?
We know this. Yes, we know.
You killed my father. We all killed my father, right?
And this is some bad news.
And finally, Izzy, giving a demonstration at Colonial Williamsburg.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
And that's a mini game.
Bravo, the three of you. |
cracked | uvalde_cops_legally_did_nothing_wrong_cracked_explains | Good evening, today's date is insert date here and per usual there's been a mass shooting or police brutality or some other horrible thing. I'm not going to discuss that specific event because that shit another tragedy just occurred during that last sentence. It's much simpler to just change this video's headline as needed and discuss the underlying legal issues surrounding the shockingly ineffective police response to way too many emergency situations.
So anyway, for a long time police were the de facto heroes of pretty much every piece of dramatic media. This era of what's now often referred to as copaganda was pervasive in cementing the image of every cop as a dutiful hero, hurling themselves in front of any bullet they could to protect the cowering public. Choose an American city name, slap PD after it, find an actor with a stubble jaw who looks good in Kevlar and you've got the attention of every family in America. Thursday nights at 8pm only on Fox and every other network. And in these shows these cops constantly furrow their brow and repeat one mantra, to protect and serve. They read it off their badge while sipping whiskey at a bar and doing manly dry cry faces.
But there's only one problem with that little mantra, the Supreme Court has ruled the police have no actual responsibility to protect citizens, seriously, literally, legally. The precedent that cops don't have to do shit if they don't want to was set by a case known as Castle Rock V Gonzalez, decided in 2005. The plaintiff in the case was Jessica Gonzalez, a woman from Castle Rock, Colorado. Here's a record of the sequence of events from the Supreme Court's majority opinion. Keep in mind, this is from an opinion where they decided the police did nothing wrong.
Quote, At approximately 8.30pm, Respondent talked to her husband on his cellular telephone. He told her he had the three children at an amusement park in Denver. She called the police again and asked them to have somebody check for her husband or his vehicle at the amusement park and put in an APB for her husband.
But the officer with whom she spoke refused to do so, again, telling her to wait until 10pm and see if her husband returned the girls. At approximately 10.10pm, Respondent called the police and said her children were still missing but she was now told to wait until midnight. She called at midnight and told the dispatcher her children were still missing. She went to her husband's apartment and, finding nobody there, called the police at 12.10am. She was told to wait for an officer to arrive. When none came, she went to the police station at 12.50am and submitted an incident report. The officer who took the report made no reasonable effort to enforce the temporary restraining order or locate the three children.
Instead, he went to dinner. Again, I'm quoting from a thing. This is not me making this up.
At approximately 3.20am, Respondent's husband arrived at the police station and opened fire with a semi-automatic handgun he had purchased earlier that evening. Police shot back, killing him. Inside the cab of his pickup truck, they found the bodies of all three daughters whom he had already murdered.
End quote. What did they get from that horrific cluster of events to add no biggie, what you gonna do? Well, Justice Scalia claimed that a quote, "...well-established tradition of police discretion has long co-existed with apparently mandatory arrest statutes." End quote.
That is, if a cop uses his discretion to go out for dinner, rather than, I don't know, protect innocent children from death, who are we to say that he should have done something else? It's his discretion. He's so wise. Let him do what he wants, he's a smart cop boy.
This case came up again when a man named Joe Lazito sued the NYPD in 2011, after he was attacked by a man on a stabbing spree. Joe actually managed to subdue his attacker, but only after, predictably, getting stabbed a bunch. If only the cops... Oh, they were three feet away, and they merely watched because they were afraid the knife was actually a gun. And then without any hint of shame, they walked over, cuffed the guy Joe had tackled to the ground, and told Joe, we got him, as Joe passed out from blood loss. Joe ultimately lost the case, though, because no direct promises of protection were made by the officers, so apparently the police do not have to act if someone is actively being stabbed, and apparently are under no obligation to protect you from others unless they accidentally make a pinky promise to keep you from dying. If you want more details on this case, you can hear it in Joe's own words in a video we did in 2017 that I'll throw in the description of this video and at the end of the video.
And both of these cases are building on a precedent set into Shaney v. Winnebago County Department of Social Services from 1989. There, a young boy was repeatedly abused by his dad, and even though social services was made aware of the situation, they never even attempted to remove the kid. When the four-year-old finally succumbed to his injuries and entered a vegetative state, his mom sued. However, she lost when the court ruled that the state did not have a special obligation to protect a citizen against harms it itself did not create.
So as long as a cop didn't beat her son, it had no obligation to intervene. Oh, and also, when a cop does kill somebody, they're only prosecuted less than 2% of the time. So basically, there's nobody that could kill you that a cop would be legally obligated to prevent or be held responsible for unless Joe Biden himself held you down and choked out your little life. But look, it's true, being a cop is a dangerous job, almost as dangerous as being a garbage collector, since, you know, they're more likely to die on the job than a police officer. But especially recently, it seems like cops get nothing but opportunities to prove me wrong and show how needed they are. And almost every time, it's the guys with the plate carriers and the long guns that somehow prove less effective than unarmed citizens. We saw it with the recent, insert horrific tragedy here, or the even more horrific, insert even more horrific tragedy here. When a cop does the right thing and actually protects the community they serve, they're actually a double hero because the actual justice system will treat them like a third-grade art teacher whose student chisels a statue out of marble and say, what the hell did you do that for? Nobody said you had to do that, why couldn't you just phone it in like everybody else? So I don't know if the cops from this specific situation will face any consequences for their failure to act, but I doubt it. Hey, did you know that the police were originally invented to catch slaves? Just thought that'd be a fun way to end this. |
SaturdayNightLive | sue_loves_surprises_saturday_night_live | Hi everyone, I know you think I called this meeting so we could pick our secret Santa's But the real reason I called you all down here today is because I've got some really big news. I decided to surprise Sandra Snell's with that promotion and she'll be getting that new corner office that's great. No one deserves it more than Sandra. she's gonna be so excited. I know she wants this oh My. God. You're gonna tell her here in the place-go-break room? it's gonna be a surprise. Yeah, so he just said that. God, I frickin' love surprises. I love them. She really does. Okay, well before she gets here. I want to go over exactly how it's going to work. you know me.
Arnie? Anal? Yes, for sure.
You know I was talking with Sandra the other day. how will we know she's coming? If we put bubble wrap in the hallway so we can listen for the pups, That's okay, Sue. I'm going to get a text when Sandra walks in the building.
I just need you guys to play it cool. Sue, Are you alright? Yes. So excited. I feel fine.
I need a frickin' snack. Okay, I'm gonna tell her the news by giving her the key to her new office. Now should I just hand it to her or hide it in her lunch bag? Baaagghh! I'm sorry, but she is gonna walk in here completely in the dark. But we know it, we're all in on it. I think hiding it in her lunch bag might be fun.
Yeah, her jaw's gonna drop to the floor. I forgot about her jaw. I don't wanna watch that drop.
Oh guys, she's here. I just got the text. I can't wait to tell her. Wait, where's Sue? I just want to capture the moment how I'm feeling.
Sue, Stop wasting paper. Don't ruin this. You were on the verge of ruining this.
All right, I'm thinking after she finds the key we all sing for she's a jolly Goodfellow. everybody knows that song. Don't make me feel better. it'll make me relax. All right, let's let her do it. if that's going to calm her down real quick. One two Three. so get a hold of yourself. I'm with you God Sue, You've got some knockers. Okay, Sue, I think you should just get out of the way.
Go pretend to look in the vending machine before you spoil a surprise. Hi everyone, am I late? No, not at all.
No, no wait, where's Sue? Sue just stepped out for a phone call. I'm sure she'll be back any minute. it was an emergency call. I think oh no, she's back. What is Sue doing? Actually, she was just leaving. weren't you Sue?
Yes, I'm leaving before someone in this room gets good news. Stop. Oh god surprise for you. Surprise for you. Some news what not? But they still tell you. Bigger desk where I don't know the corner. oh god, stop who? him and them.
They know they're getting it rhymes with my motion Sue: Don't have some water. What's wrong with Sue?
Well this isn't exactly how I wanted to do this, but I've decided to finally to give you that promotion and a corner office. Are you serious? I don't know what to say. Oh, and I forgot to mention that you also have your own parking space. |
dropout | watching_tv_is_work | Charles, come to bed. I can't. If I don't get this done tonight, I'll lose all respect at the office.
And I am so behind. So behind on all the TV I have to watch. You're always behind. You're always trying to catch up.
What about your real life? This is my life. There's more to life than the drudgery of trying to catch up on popular television. I mean, what about me?
Not now, Margaret. I have to get back to Iron Fist. You don't even know if you like it. You take that back! No! When will it be enough?
Good God, you're still watching The Walking Dead. That isn't even essential viewing. Do you want people to think you're married to a fool? Because if someone asks me what I think about Negan and I don't have anything to say, that is exactly what they will think!
And where does it end? Do you have to watch every comic book show? Every docuseries? Every adaptation of a podcast? Podcast, Charles?
Were they moderately well-reviewed? Yes. Then yes! Even the see-so originals?
I mean, listen to what you're saying! What am I supposed to do? What if someone asks me about Tim Metters' performance in Son of Zor? I don't know! I don't watch Son of Zor! Well, maybe you should! It's pretty good! I don't have the time! No one does! You think I watch TV for fun?
There's a new planter, Dorthon. That means that I have to get high. Lay down. And watch hours of beautiful nature photography.
It's a nightmare! Think about how this affects me! FX! Fuck! I have to watch so many FX shows at FXX! Charles! Please!
Take a break from TV! It's not healthy! Do something relaxing like watch a movie!
Huh? What was that? I want my husband back! I want you with me, not you up watching some under-the-radar comedy about a young urban couple navigating their way through life and love! Catastrophe? No, the other one! Casual? No, the other one! Love? No, the other one! You're the worst? I don't know! Maybe!
I get them confused! I get them so confused! I'm confused, too.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't have to watch all of the TV shows. Do you mean it? Yeah.
What's really going to happen if I don't see the Sopranos? Well, you have to watch the Sopranos. It's basically responsible for ushering in the modern Golden Age of television.
Yes. I know things have been hard. But I'm not ready to give up. Not yet.
I want us to get back to a good place. The good place? Shit, I have to watch that, too. Okay, thanks for watching! |
dropout | what_s_the_best_use_of_a_time_machine | Can I ask a question about your mom's body? Absolutely not. And that is serious. I truly feel like someone just choked me.
Hello and welcome to The Rank Room. This is a debate-style show where we try to answer one of life's most important questions. Today's question is, what is the best use of a time machine? Today I'm joined by Allie. Get ready. Jess. Hello. And Grant. Get hello. Grant, would you like to go ahead? I would say that the best use of a time machine is the porn tab. Now let me explain what I mean by that.
So when I was 12, there was still such a thing as the family computer. There was the family computer, there was my mom's computer. So I'm 12, and I'm on the family computer, and I'm jacking off to some pornography.
It was a photograph of a young man shooting his load all over himself, and so I orgasmed. You're jacking. I orgasmed.
All over yourself? Yeah, I came all over myself. All over probably.
Art imitates life.
That's exactly right.
You were orgasming. I was orgasming, and then I took off one of my socks and wiped it up.
Jesus, I don't want suns. Absolutely not. Yeah, none. My god. No, you don't.
My son's only wearing flip flops.
After I was done, and I was in my euphoria, I walked away. Hours went by, and I got on my mom's computer, because she had a fun game on there that I wanted to play. My sister walks in, she sees me on my mom's computer, leaves. A couple more hours go by.
Now I'm upstairs in my bedroom, and I hear, Grant, can you come down here, please? I walk down to the basement, and there on the screen is a young man nutting all over himself. And there in the room is my mom, my dad, and my sister.
No! Who should have been sent out of the room. She was too young.
Yes, yeah! My mom says, do you know what this is?
And I had plausible deniability. I said, no, I wasn't. I was on your computer. Sarah saw me. And Sarah, my sister, says, yeah, I did.
That's true. And my dad, God bless him, said, well, that's just how the internet is these days, which isn't true.
Like it was a pop-up? Like it was a pop-up.
Because I've used that before. If you're a parent watching this, that's never how the internet has worked. I think the best use of the time machine would be going back in time and closing that tab.
Great. Yeah. Maybe your biggest regret, it feels like. Yeah, definitely. Jess, would you like to go ahead? Yes.
I have end of the party. So parties, I like getting dressed up for them. Yes. So fun. And I like coming home and sitting on my couch and watching television after them. I don't enjoy the middle party part. Oh!
So you don't like the party? I don't like parties.
But I like being asked. Small talk sucks. That's what it is. It's not like. How's work?
I forget everything that I've ever done in my life, or just it's a constant reminder of what little I'm doing, how little is going on. I always feel like I'm the person at the party that no one wants to talk to. Jess, I've been to parties with you. Have you painted every minute of it?
Yes! I do like an occasion to get dressed up. I also can't live my life just wearing sweatpants. I really thought you were going to say end of the party, you would use a time machine to go back and do it all over again. Absolutely not. And you meant the best end of the party. This is, for me, the perfect use of a time machine, because I'm the same exact way. I love getting dressed up and I love the thought that, yes, I've been to a party, but I hate doing it. I'll mention in my calendar, I'll buy a dress, but once I'm there, I'm like, what have I done? I have news for you, too. It's called getting blackout drunk immediately, and you pretty much get this. Allie? Okay. I think the perfect use for a time machine...
Hitler. Sorry for ruining that for you. No, I think everyone was thinking you're Hitler. My thought is, use a time machine, you go back in time. Hitler is in full power.
And you get there. That's when you get there? That's when you get there.
Okay, Hitler's a teen, make an art or something. But anyway, okay, we're not even to my part yet. Hitler's a squeaky teen and hasn't killed anyone or hurt anyone.
And you get there and guess who else is there? Some dude who's a barista and says his favorite interests are whiskey and old-crow medicine too. That guy who every time you talk about a time machine goes, I would go back and kill Hitler. That guy's there, because that's what he's doing. I have used my time machine to go back and kill him before he kills Hitler, because the butterfly effect is real. And do you know what kind of chain of reactions that would set up? No. Sorry Brian, or Jesse, or Micah, but I'm here to kill you. So before, when I stopped you, and I said, you're like 80% of the way through, you want him.
And the fallout of that was that a lot of people would die in concentration camps that happen, and then I like weirdly backpedaled, but still the bottom line is not supposed to happen. It turns out that wasn't enough concentration camp for you, you wanted more concentration camps. So, that's the end of the story.
So you're going to kill, basically you want to kill people who are against Hitler. I would like everyone to know that for this show we submit four answers, two of them were chosen for us, and mine were written on a layover in Detroit, and I was not expecting this to get picked. So yes, I want Hitler to reign full power, I want that. What is your beef with people who want to go back in time and kill Hitler?
I think it's the most tired answer, and that's why I'm sick of being at the party. I want to start going to parties, and when someone is boring, go, I'm sorry, but I'm very bored, and then I want to walk away.
That's the life I want to do. Can I do one thing? Jesse, do you remember what one of my answers was? Go back in time and kill Hitler? No, it wasn't!
I think they had an idea. And his name is fucking Grant in restaurant in New York. I also love old chrome medicine to show. When you think of Katie Marovitch, what word comes to mind?
Sexual. Regal. Sexuregal. Ooh, yeah. Anastasia, that's what I was going for. Anastasia. Very sexual regal. Yes!
Wow.
We were right. Anyway, let me... Moving on.
Anastasia was the youngest daughter in the Romanov family, and they were the last monarchy of Russia. I am obsessed with Anastasia, and I have a very strange fantasy, which is that I am a descendant of hers, and that one day I'll be able to... I'm about to get murdered, and then I say, I am the remaining Romanov, and I am the heir to the throne of Russia, and then I get to use the power and take over the country. For me, personally, the best use of a time machine is to go back in time and save little Anastasia.
She shouldn't have died. She was a teen. It was very sad. She was shot to death.
Anyway, I would save her. I'd put her in hiding, and then around the time when the movie came out... And I'd show her the movie, because it's so cool. It's so cool. Around the time the movie came out, I'd reveal her to the world, and she'd be an old woman, but it would be satisfying for me.
Wait. What?
I love thinking of you as a little girl, and like, this is your fantasy. It's still my fantasy.
Excellent. Grant, would you like to go again? I'd love to. I would say that the best use of a time machine is to go to the end of the world. Yes. I do really like that.
Just to see. How scary if you were in front of a time machine and you saw it only went to a certain year? I don't even know. Would you really be like, then take me there? Like, what?
Wow. That's scary. That's fascinating.
And I'm imagining the end of the world as being, you know, when the sun swallows us out. Yes. You think we'll still be around. No, because the sun will be too close at this point. Yeah. Yeah, I'm rethinking that. Yeah. No, I think, well, I'll let you finish.
Well, I'm just like, what I really am interested in, because I don't really care about the geology of it, but the end of humanity. I want to see how it, I want to see how it wraps up. I'm very, I'm very curious. Honestly, yes. So curious about it.
I mean, it might happen in the next couple of months. It's going to happen, but it might as well be there.
I don't know. But the thing is, if you're, if you have the time machine now, you can still go to see the end of the world, because that would still be fascinating. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if there are people or not, like it would still, I think it would be fascinating to see the sun swallow. I guess if you're protected in the time machine.
I think humanity will kill itself way before the sun comes. I think the planet will be gone before the sun. I think we as a species will destroy one another way before.
I don't think so. Let's bet on it.
Okay. Jess. Next one is Philip Seymour Hoffman. Like most young girls. I had a huge crush on Philip Seymour Hoffman. What?
I thought he was so sexy. He looks like a band-aid. No, I love him. He looks like a band-aid.
I would see every movie he was in. Yeah. I thought he was so sexy. I'd watch him over and over again. I'd watch Capote like 20 times. He was an amazing actor, but he was not hot. He's very hot.
What? What the fuck is going on?
I went to New York and saw a play because he was in it. It was called Jack Goes Boating.
I genuinely thought if we met, we wouldn't hit it all. He was so old. I waited after that show to meet him. Oh, wait.
That's adorable. This is so cute. That's adorable.
So I would use my time machine to go back and give us the shot that we never had. I would figure out where he was. Turns out he gave himself the shot. Oh, you fucker.
My love would have saved him. It's very serious. Your love would have saved him.
Wait. What would you have done? Hmm. I thought I should.
Should we role play? Should I be Philip? I'll be Philip too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm worried about this. Go ahead. Do that. Five.
I'm doing it with Capote. I'm doing Philip. I'm doing Philip and his Capote.
Right. You lack all of everything he has. Yes. Whoa. Why don't you go ahead. Great. Okay. So my next idea for the best use of a time machine is freaky, queer, middle school dance. Yes.
I spent my middle school years completely confused. Not quite sure what was going on. My first middle school dance. No one I was interested in I could dance with. It just felt like I had been airdropped into like an upside down world of like learning the rules.
So I would use my time machine to go back in time. When I was like 12 and you were busting it in your mom's basement, I would go collect all my queer friends from now wherever they are. Twelve year old. And I would invite all of us in our 12 year old versions to one big dance and it would be like we would all have that first dance experience but it would be all queers.
I love this. Yeah. Like you would get a letter in the mail inviting you to this dance. It would like Hogwarts style. I would dress up as an owl. Oh my god.
I wouldn't be able to go back young so I would have to look like this. You're just kidding me. You would eventually be younger. I don't know how a time machine works. Can I put the time machine on me? I think you need to be young. You can be a grown woman going to 12 years old.
I'm aware. Yeah. If I'm dressed like an owl, I think it's fine. And I think you'd just invite your younger self to this party. Cute. Oh, that's very cute.
I would be in a puka shell necklace and a marine core shirt that says don't even think about a leash because I was very obsessed with the marines. If I may though, imagine you are your 12 year old self and somebody invites you to a freaky queer middle school dance. Look, I'm not going to advertise it like this. I want to know how many queer kids would actually come to me. No, I would make them. I already used this time machine.
I'm going to kidnap everyone that I'm now friends with. Dressed as an owl. I'm going to be in a Corvette. I'm going to go and I'm going to get them. I'm dressed as an owl grant. Get friendly.
That's not a middle school dance. I don't think you understand how the owl makes all of this. You want to take a bunch of 12 year olds to an adult queer dance party. No, no, no. I want to make the middle school looking dance and invite all of them. But I know everyone lives around the country, so I'm going to have to spend a lot of money to get them all there.
Yes. And you don't have to advertise it. And I'll do it by any means necessary. You could just do this. You don't really need a time machine. You could just have this party. No.
I want us when we were young. The 12 year old versions of us. You don't have to pretend to go with somebody anymore. You hated me when I was 12.
I know that. Me at 12 was crazy. I should have known how tight my pants were. Yes. I had the same thing. I wore a lot of peasant tops. I look like a little camel toe all the time. Why did you say that so hot? I'm so excited.
I can't.
You are taking me out today. Who are you anymore? I'm a little skimped soul. You look like a little camel toe.
I need you to stop. I can't help it. I need sexual stuff. I need everyone to glare out of here while I jerk it. Here's my idea. Fertility drugs.
What's something you guys know about me? You have a dog. You have lupus. Okay. You love Anastasia. Yes, thank you.
I was going to say I've always wanted to be a twin. An identical twin.
Oh. Was I supposed to guess that?
Anyway, this is my plan. I would go back to time to when I was being conceived. Jesus Christ. And I would sneak fertility pills into my mom's food. Oh, God. It's worse. He did my mom's vagina. I would drug my mom so that when I was conceived, I'd be multiples. I'd be an octuplet.
I'd be one of eight. One of eight? Yes. What is this, a play? One of eight. Five more. Here's the thing.
This would solve so many problems for me because, let me tell you, I would have identical siblings. They'd all look like me. I've always wanted this. Number two, my family would be given a reality TV show because we're octuplets and that's wild. I will say. We would make a lot of money. I think Octomon had different looking children, right? Were any of them twins? Mine would. I'd be all twins. How could you control them? I don't know if we can do that. I'd be all twins.
Okay. Can I ask a question about your mom's body? Absolutely not. And that is serious. I truly feel like someone just choked me. I just, I mean, you. She told you not. My God, correct? I times up on whatever that question is. But eight kids will ruin your body. Is that your point? Was that what you were going to say? Because that is a lot. Well, what I was going to ask, and this isn't me asking. I'm going to kill you.
You are somewhat petite. And I would imagine that your mother is probably also someone petite. Carrying eight babies to term. You could kill your mother.
Fantastic job. Now it is time to eliminate and then I will rank. Grant, I'm going to turn to you first. Which of these eight do you want to see in the top three?
One of the greatest actors of our generation is Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yes. A real tragic loss for art in general. Is this what you're choosing? I'm going to choose Philip Seymour Hoffman. Jess? I have to go with Fiki. Yes. Middle school dance is the most beautiful one besides Philip. Ali?
It's hard. I do really like Anastasia because I know how important that is to a lot of people I know. So important.
But I unfortunately have to go with end of the world. I would love to see how long the world goes. I would love to believe that it's so far in the future. Like the force of good in the world has kept it afloat for a really long time. But also it could be 2028.
Perfect. At this time I will now invite you to dramatically throw away your cards.
No, don't rip it. Oh, sorry. Do we need it?
Too late.
In the third place we have Philip Seymour Hoffman. I like it but it is very personal to you. In second place we have end of the world. Boom. And in first place we have what I think is the nicest idea and also I hope it happens. Freaky queer middle school dance. Well, this has been The Rank Room.
If you have any suggestions for questions that you need answered, please leave them in the comments.
Bye. Goodbye. |
cracked | 5_weirdly_similar_bad_jokes_that_show_up_in_great_comedies | Alright, comedies, here's the deal. We all loved Caddyshack, or, if you're a little younger, Harold and Kumar. That animatronic Gopher's disdain for order and penchant for Kenny Loggins basically launched Bill Murray's career, and we'll always have him to thank for that. Or if you're from the H&K Go to WC demo, replace Gopher with Raccoon and Bill Murray with Obama Administration Associate Director for the White House Office of Public Engagement Cal Penn.
But it's over, comedies! It's just time to stop telling the joke where an animal attacks, or molests, or otherwise inconveniences your main characters. Not because it's not funny.
I mean, here it is, being that. But there was a time when we all liked the song, Hey Uh, a Whole Lot, played rock band and watched The Simpsons every Sunday, and look what happened there. We need some space, okay? You've oversaturated. There's just nothing that feels relevant anymore about getting suddenly attacked by a forest creature, no matter how you try to dress it up or refresh it. And believe me, it's been tried.
And can I ask, why always the sloppiest puppet you could pay arthritis victims to cobble together from discarded tire scraps and weasel hair? It's like the Jim Henson workshop threw up. Stan Winston's probably rolling over in his grave, which, when you think about it, is a pretty impressive feat of animatronics in and of itself. And by the way, this goes double for small animal trap enclosed scenes. We really need to see more footage of an actor with a rat up their pants to get the general vibe of that whole experience.
Have we not mined all the laughs out of that rich rich concept yet? You may have noticed that last clip of a dude with a rat up his pants was from the silent black and white 1923 movie, Safety Last, when it's literally the next millennium and you're still ripping off Harold Lloyd, it's time to reconsider your course of action. You don't want to end up old and lonely like Zardberg. So I'm calling it, okay? No more animal attacks and comedies for let's say 10 years. And I don't want to see anyone trying to find loopholes on this.
It's still the same joke if you animate it. Especially if you animate it, make it interminably long, then do it over and over again like you have OCD to the point where I know as soon as I see that f***ing chicken in an episode, I can go ahead and stop watching for 12 minutes. And it's also still the same joke if you use a more exotic animal or are high and or drunk at the time. Man, did the hangover really do it twice?
Congrats on sharing a category with the Hannah Montana movie, but that stings. So let us close the book on this bit, encasing it for a few decades in the oldest and strongest tree in Ferngully, and commemorate that covenant with the ritualistic viewing of the only truly sublime animal attack filmed in the last 20 years. Amen. Ah, motherf***ing men. Hey gang, thanks for watching another one of my little rants here about stuff I hate in movies for no reason. What is your favorite example that I missed out on? Your favorite, funniest animal attack that just makes you giggle and laugh out loud and think I'm a big dumb idiot for just posting that because I'm a huge hypocrite and nothing means anything and I don't believe in anything. So I don't mean anything that I just said or this that I'm saying now. Figure that out, Einstein! |
dropout | mending_your_relationship_with_star_wars_ch_shorts | Thank you both for coming in today. Why don't we start by telling me a little bit about why you're here?
Well, if I'm being totally honest, things haven't been quite the same between us lately. My relationship with Star Wars is in a rut. So what do you think changed? Well, I started to notice a difference about 15 years ago. You know, at the time I said it was good, but in hindsight I realized I was just making excuses for him. Yeah, I remember that. It was pretty bad. So we took a break. Then about three or four years ago, we run into each other again and he totally blew me away, you know? But then he started slipping back into his old ways.
I'm sorry. I can't just keep sitting here. Can I say something? All I try to do is make her happy. If I try new stuff, it's bad. If I rehash the old stuff, it's also bad. I can't win.
Did she tell you she hasn't seen Solo yet? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I didn't ask for a Solo movie. I don't need a Solo movie. I'm going to put it all out there. I don't want a Boba Fett movie either. Yeah, I said it.
He's a random character. He says two lines. He's not that cool. All he cares about is making money.
How can you say that? I'll tell you how.
Poor. This is unbelievable.
I'm putting in the work. Every six months, I'm trying to make new for her.
I never asked for that. You don't listen to me. I don't listen?
You said you liked Luke Skywalker, so I brought back Luke Skywalker. And you made him milk an alien. I was being funny. Look, if you're so unhappy, why don't you just go watch a Marvel movie? Maybe I will. Okay, hey, hey. I'm going to interrupt here because things are getting a little heated and very stupid.
I think what you need to ask yourself is, do you still love Star Wars? Or is it the nostalgia of Star Wars that you cling on to?
No, Klingons are Star Trek. Oh, yes. No, I was saying like clinging on. Yeah, she's right. Klingons are Star Trek.
You know what? Forget it.
I'd like to tell you both a story if I may. I was actually in a very similar relationship.
His name was Lord of the Rings. In the beginning, it was everything you wanted a franchise to be. The Hobbit came.
It was three little turds, each smellier than the last. It ruined the relationship. I was very angry for a long time, but then I realized it's just a movie. It doesn't have to be perfect. The expectations that I put on him were crazy. If a movie can ruin your childhood, then maybe you don't have enough going on in your life.
You're right. I'm sorry, Star Wars. I was putting way too much pressure on you. No, I'm sorry.
In the beginning, I was innovative and groundbreaking, but then my budget got huge. People stopped telling me no, and everything just got out of hand. And now I'm so fucking full of myself. I guess at the end of the day, I really just am a vehicle to sell toys. Man, don't say that about yourself.
I love you. I know. Oh, okay. Alright. Okay.
This is lovely. Hey, let's calm it down just a little bit. Your car's right out there. Very nice to see that you've rekindled this flame, though. We've really made some progress today. Hey, thanks, Doc. Thank you so much.
Same time next week? Yes. Okay. Good afternoon, Doc. Oh, okay. Bridget, could you cancel all my appointments, please? This is going to be a long one. Okay. This is abusive, right? |
cracked | 7_questions_we_have_for_stranger_things_cracked_responds | Stranger Things, season two, we've all seen all of it. I have seven questions that you're gonna answer. Question the first, it's not really a question. This is immediately off the rails. Give an evocative, but still effective, tagline for Stranger Things season two. Like the thing that's gonna go in the poster that is like, here's what the season's about.
Bob doesn't come back, but we talk about her. Bob?
Barb.
What about, it's happening again. There you go. Hopper doesn't punch enough people, but he gets a machine gun. Excellent.
Question the second, better or worse than season one? I would say I enjoyed the first one more just because it was new, but quality wise, that's a really hard question. The first one will always have a special place in my heart because I hadn't expected to get something like that from anywhere. It wasn't a show I ever expected to exist. Here's why I think I like the second season better. It's because, it's specifically because of that attitude about the first one that I was a little bit late to it. Everyone was saying, you gotta watch Stranger Things. It's unlike anything you've ever seen before. And I watched it and I'm like, no, this is Stephen King and Steven Spielberg. As much as I preferred season two, it had I think the worst episode of the entire series so far with that Chicago thing. I loved that episode because the show starts with a lot of heavy nostalgia in the first season and they did it right.
But the big thing is you can't just keep doing that. You have to eventually be something new.
And that's what I liked about the Chicago stuff. It was just like, whoa, this is way different. It was like punk rock X-Men. I love that she had like a goth phase for like one episode. That was great.
No, but she kept it up until the dance. Yeah, that's true. Until the dance. Yeah. All right, third question.
Which non-Steve character is the season MVP? So you're not allowed to pick Steve. I'll let you think about it while I front porch by just talking about how much I love Steve.
I did feel a little bit bad from at the end of the show because he starts out season one as the king of the school with the girl of his dreams. And then he spends this season babysitting kids and getting their shit kicked out of him. And then his last bet is like dropping Dustin off at the school dance. And it was such a sweet moment. And then Dustin leaves to go to dance with Nancy. And I just want like Steve in the car like, what the fuck is my life now? Am I just, I'm Dustin's ride? The ending at the dance, I don't think I've seen that happen before in a movie, even though it's a very common thing. It's something I absolutely experienced as a kid.
Being like, oh, I'm so excited for this dance and I'm so confident and I've gotten good advice and I'm gonna go do it and no, it doesn't work out. I don't think I was like rescued by an older hot woman who then danced with me. I think I was just bummed. Can I say Elle? I think she's still winning hearts and she's still being a badass. And yes, she had to discover herself in Chicago, which I know you did not enjoy.
But I would say that, you know, at the end of the day, she's kind of the only one who could like save the day. And like, she had this cool like father like relationship that happened. And I was like, yes, she gets a family. Character I enjoyed maybe the most this year was Lucas's little sister.
That was one of my favorite parts of this show is how you take, because like the annoying sibling in the movies is based on like Goonies are normally just, there's not like a redemption to them. They're just obnoxious.
But she's so charming and so great. She's so charming. She's pouring syrup on her pancakes for three and a half hours. It's amazing.
Dart is a stupid name for Dustin's pet. What is a better name? Dart is a stupid name? It's named after D'Artagnan, because three musketeers, but like anything called Dart should be fast.
And this is not a thing that's known for its speed. It's not slow or anything. It's just as the same speed as all the other demo dogs.
But that wasn't about the speed of Dart. We're not on board. The Dart is a stupid name. I think Dart is fun. Yeah, you started from a false premise.
It's a fucking spot. Loves candy bars. I would do a fucking spot.
I like Nougat a whole lot more because it's like, hey, it's Nougat. You like Nougat, right? Yeah, you love Nougat. Nougat's good.
I'll call you D'Artagnan. One of the questions is just Bob, Barb. Is there anything there?
I really wanted more torture of Barb's family. I wanted her body to be reanimated, only to scare them and then die immediately or something. I forget that her family didn't know. And I like that the show realistically was like, here's what would happen. They would lose their entire life savings trying to find out what happened to Barb.
Everyone I spoke to about right when it started would be like, oh yeah, so what's up with Bob? When we're going to find out that he's evil? Because we don't trust nice people. I was surprised that people thought Bob was going to make a heel turn.
But Paul Reiser was the one I really thought, it's the guy from Aliens. This is what he does. This is why you hire a Paul Reiser. And so you're like, OK, this guy's going to be a dickhead. He's going to screw them over. And then the twist is, he doesn't.
Before the part was cast, they wrote him in the script. The character's name was Paul Reiser, because that's who they wanted to play it so desperately. They didn't even give him a name yet. They were just like, and then Paul Reiser comes in wearing one of his sweaters from home and toss sense to the kids. How weird would it have been if they hadn't cast Paul Reiser and the guy's reading the script like, well. If it's Daniel Day Lewis, and it's like, are you sure? Yeah, play Paul Reiser. We couldn't get Paul Reiser, Daniel Day Lewis, so you need to method act as him.
Next question, Billy, the deal with. What is?
Every Stephen King movie has the moment with the bully where he goes that one extra step and all his bully friends are like, hey. He listens to great 80s metal. He filled out the 80s metal quota that was needed. It's such a beautiful 80s fucking insane bully that doesn't exist in real life, and he pulls up in his stupid car and his denim everything, and he's from California, and he's instantly like, oh, I fucking hate this town, but I'm gonna run it.
Okay, here's what led me down though. He seemed so intensely like, you can't hang out with people like that. You can't do this. You better be here in an hour or I'm gonna leave you here.
And I was like, oh, are they somehow involved in the Demi-Gorgon stuff? And it was just like, at the end, it was just like, nah, he's just a fucking real drug. Powerlifting while smoking a cigarette. Yeah, yeah, that's as 80s as a thing can get. Final question, what is the third season about? Predictions. That big fucking thing in this guy.
The upside down. And the upside down, yeah. What's her name, eight? Yeah.
Villain. Gonna be the villain, right? I think she's gonna be complex, but I don't think she's gonna be the villain. I think there's gonna be something else.
The thing is, her power works so well for a villain, is she can make you see shit. And she's already used it in terrifying ways. She did make a butterfly though, a little glowy butterfly.
That's true. I would like to see Hopper punch more people right in the face. Hopper and Winona Ryder have to get together. I don't care about that. I just want more shots to the chops. I wouldn't mind like, just for them to get it over with and Hopper gets transferred to like a beach town and has to hunt a shark for like the season.
And we just do it. We just do our jaws. Yeah, he's just off doing jaws for the whole season. We just keep checking in with him. You know, the kids are just like, school is hard. Yeah.
Hi, thank you so much for watching that video. Dan is tired. So if you'd like to see more videos, press the C in the middle to subscribe and press the little bell in the corner for notifications and then like leave a comment, but like a quiet comment. We'll see you later. |
cracked | some_news_gop_candidate_body_slams_reporter_ozone_layer_coming_back_some_good_news | Hello and welcome to some news the show that watches a week's worth of 24-hour news and gets to you know some of it Now because the world has been a real Not good lately crack just celebrated happiness week which kept focus on positive stories and good vibes Which is very easy to do if your particular job doesn't specifically require you to watch the news which again is ah So we'll do our best to bring you only good news this week even if some of its This turkey who hugged a guy or a story about a rat cafe or a dog wedding So, you know like a dog wedding. I've heard of the old ball and chain, but this is a real tennis ball and chain Not that but you get the idea So here's some good news what the fuck is that?
No No Not today.
It's happiness week. So cheer up Pope Eventually, he left your country Give him a lolly and get him out of there Beautiful so cute. What a big boy Today's a day to get excited about possibilities and advancements and find joy in people's goodness and cuteness Like this story in which a teen in Melbourne saved a swan's life by giving it mouth-to-mouth It's called swanning and kids are doing it to feel good and hey Did you hear about the pigeon caught flying with a tiny backpack full of drugs? I've heard of getting high but pigeons are birds and birds are often high altitude wise Okay Look what I really want to talk to you about is Michael Flynn refusing to adhere to a congressional subpoena and how he's pleading the fifth And they're intercepted cables of Russian officials talking about how they can use people in the Trump campaign to manipulate him whether he knew about It or not and they specifically say that they know Flynn very well And I want to talk about how our president recently called up and praised a guy who was doing a literal genocide It's happiness week, and I'm a team player so oh, yeah breaking news I've just been informed that the CBO score for the new health care proposals come in and everyone likes health care It keeps them alive, so Nope Can't say that 23 million people just okay, just put a pin in that Google it yourselves.
It's important, but um Look hey Some twins turned a hundred last week. That's so great I can barely make one of me smile let alone two. I hope I have that much energy and joy when I'm old and twice Breaking news.
I've just been informed that Montana politician Greg Gianforte Body slammed a journalist who'd previously investigated Gianforte for Russia ties Body slammed him hit him broke his glasses. Okay. That's not Yeah, we can't talk but no okay, so it's just the politician lied and blamed the reporter There was eyewitness testimony to the contrary the politician got charged with assault and then he in one and conservatives seem to think it's okay Well regardless of your view of journalists asking a question about the CBO score for the health care bill from the house Which he's running to be in should he beat up a reporter. That's Nuts a great representation of this general attitude is conservative pundit Laura Ingram's tweet Did anyone get his lunch money stolen today and then run to tell the recess monitor the adult equivalent of course being getting robbed and telling the police How is beating someone up because you're mad a gray area, right? Violence is good.
Oh Here's something cute a rat cafe is open up in San Francisco where diners can eat while interacting with rescued rats Independently Arby's has released a statement saying us too. We're doing that, too Speaking of rats mice THC the chemical and marijuana that gets you high on weed has been found to help older mice with memory and maze solving and In a randomized double blind placebo controlled human trial Cannabidiol a chemical and marijuana that doesn't get you high was found to reduce the number of convulsive seizures and children with a severe and often fatal epilepsy disorder So good news weed is good and even more ways than we thought as it has many positive Effects and has been found to be better than a lot of medicines currently prescribed to patients who have severe diseases and disorders and pain Contributing to the growing opioid epidemic, which is apparently supposed to be solved by Jared Kushner real estate boy And shy pile of pencils who is also charged with bringing peace to the Middle East Modernizing government criminal justice reform and being a liaison to Mexico China and the Muslim community and being investigated by the FBI Along with Michael Flynn and who knows maybe eventually Attorney General Jeff Sessions who in addition to think that marijuana is like heroin Also, according to the Department of Justice didn't disclose a bunch of meetings He had with Russian officials during the Trump campaign, which is something he was legally supposed to do but Yeah Marijuana isn't the only way nature is potentially solving all of our problems for us Scientists have discovered that a caterpillar called the wax worm eats and breaks down plastic We previously discovered a bacteria that does the same thing But the wax worm is able to do it 1,400 times faster than the bacteria idea Nellis I kid doesn't matter that bacteria wax worms are where it's at now Scientists are hoping to isolate the enzyme responsible so they won't have to you know toss caterpillars into the ocean There are also machines being built that will clean large portions of the ocean ready by 2018 designed by a 22 year old These entitled soft Millennials fixing major problems Some more good news the ozone is healing itself Costa Rica's electricity last year was produced almost entirely from renewables a billionaire previously described by Forbes as a ruthless corporate raider Gave away his fortune to help save the ocean some news is good You just have to find it like what happened this past week following a terror attack at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester I'd know just let me Okay The attack was a tragedy It was bad news and as we try to make sense of it and navigate this scary uncertain world We find ourselves in we can still see that nothing can stop people from helping each other when things get darkest People came together on social media to track missing people down this seek a free cab rides to people Communities fed people a holiday in welcome stranded children and following the hashtag room for Manchester would lead you to a bunch of houses offering A safe place for survivors of the explosion to gather and contact their loved ones some good news We're doing it Following the explosion there were Stephen Jones the homeless man who immediately sprung into action and rushed towards the explosion to help the bleeding crying and disoriented people fleeing from it He says quote we are human. We still have a heart We still have that instinct to help people out that need help and that's what we are doing I wouldn't be able to live with myself for walking away and leaving kids like that We wiped blood from children's faces and quote if that's not enough to show the uncrushability of the human Spirit stay tuned because social media found out about his selflessness and raised money for him and the joint chairman of the English Premier League Club, West Ham United, they play European soccer They stepped in and gave the man six months free rent and some money to get him on his feet so one down Millions of homeless people to go but strangers helping strangers in the face of tragedy and meeting senseless dark hatred with Unconditional love and that's what I'm talking about That's way happier than finding out why flamingos stand on one foot or this gecko Smiling with his little gecko doll, buddy. That isn't as uplifting as It's pretty good Look how happy he is I bet he's a cool gecko president Well, I tried my best a lot of things are bad and some people are bad But some things are good and a lot of people are good.
So I don't know.
See you next week Hey everybody Thanks for watching if you want to subscribe to our channel click the big C in the middle and for more videos Click one of the two boxes on the right and for notifications on when we upload more videos. Click the little bell icon That's it Part of the old ball and chain, but this is a real tennis ball and chain not that but you get the idea So here's some good news what the fuck is that?
No No Not today.
It's happiness week. So cheer up Pope eventually. He left your country Give him a lolly and get him out of there Beautiful so cute. What a big boy Today's a day to get excited about possibilities and advancements and find joy in people's goodness and cuteness Like this story in which a teen in Melbourne saved a swan's life by giving it mouth-to-mouth It's called swanning and kids are doing it to feel good and hey Did you hear about the pigeon caught flying with a tiny backpack full of drugs? I've heard of getting high but pigeons are birds and birds are often high altitude wise Okay Look what I really want to talk to you about is Michael Flynn refusing to adhere to a congressional subpoena and how he's pleading the fifth And they're intercepted cables of Russian officials talking about how they can use people in the Trump campaign to manipulate him whether he knew about It or not and they specifically say that they know Flynn very well And I just want to talk about how our president recently called up and praised a guy who was doing a literal genocide But hey, it's happiness week, and I'm a team player so oh yeah breaking news I've just been informed that the CBO score for the new health care proposals come in and everyone likes health care It keeps them alive, so Nope can't say that 23 million people just Okay, just put a pin in that Google it yourselves.
It's important, but um Look hey Some twins turned 100 last week. That's so great I can barely make one of me smile let alone two. I hope I have that much energy and joy when I'm old and twice Breaking news.
I've just been informed that Montana politician Greg Gianforte Body slammed a journalist who'd previously investigated Gianforte for Russia ties Body slammed him hit him broke his glasses. Okay. That's not Yeah, we can't talk but no, okay, so it's just the politician lied and blamed the reporter There was eyewitness testimony to the contrary the politician got charged with assault and then he in one and conservatives seem to think it's okay Regardless of your view of journalists asking a question about the CBO score for the health care bill from the house Which he's running to be in should he beat up a reporter. That's nuts a great representation of this general attitude is conservative pundit Laura Ingram's tweet Did anyone get his lunch money stolen today and then run to tell the recess monitor the adult equivalent of course being getting robbed and telling the police How is beating someone up because you're mad a gray area Violence is good.
Oh Here's something cute a rat cafe is open up in San Francisco where diners can eat while interacting with rescued rats Independently Arby's has released a statement saying us too. We're doing that, too Speaking of rats mice THC the chemical and marijuana that gets you high on weed has been found to help older mice with memory and maze solving and In a randomized double-blind placebo controlled human trial Cannabidiol a chemical and marijuana that doesn't get you high was found to reduce the number of convulsive seizures and children with a severe and often fatal epilepsy disorder So good news weed is good and even more ways than we thought as it has many positive effects and has been found to be better than A lot of medicines currently prescribed to patients who have severe diseases and disorders and pain contributing to the growing opioid epidemic Which is apparently supposed to be solved by Jared Kushner real estate boy and shy pile of pencils who is also charged with bringing peace to the Middle East modernizing government criminal justice reform and being a liaison to Mexico China and the Muslim community and being Investigated by the FBI along with Michael Flynn and who knows maybe eventually Attorney General Jeff Sessions who in addition to think that marijuana is like heroine Also, according to the Department of Justice didn't disclose a bunch of meetings He had with Russian officials during the Trump campaign, which is something he was legally supposed to do, but Yeah Marijuana isn't the only way nature is potentially solving all of our problems for us Scientists have discovered that a caterpillar called the wax worm eats and breaks down plastic We previously discovered a bacteria that does the same thing, but the wax worm is able to do it 1,400 times faster than the bacteria idea Nellis Second doesn't matter that bacteria wax worms are where it's at now Scientists are hoping to isolate the enzyme responsible so they won't have to you know toss caterpillars into the ocean There are also machines being built that will clean large portions of the ocean ready by 2018 designed by a 22 year old These entitled soft Millennials fixing major problems Some more good news the ozone is healing itself Costa Rica's electricity last year was produced almost entirely from renewables a Billionaire previously described by Forbes as a ruthless corporate raider gave away his fortune to help save the ocean Some news is good You just have to find it like what happened this past week following a terror attack at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester I know just let me Okay The attack was a tragedy It was bad news and as we try to make sense of it and navigate the scary uncertain world We find ourselves in we can still see that nothing can stop people from helping each other when things get darkest people came together on social Media to track missing people down this seek a free cab rides to people Communities fed people a holiday in welcomed stranded children and following the hashtag room for Manchester would lead you to a bunch of houses Offering a safe place for survivors of the explosion to gather and contact their loved ones some good news We're doing it Following the explosion there were Stephen Jones the homeless man who immediately sprung into action and rushed towards the explosion to help the bleeding Crying and disoriented people fleeing from it.
He says quote.
We are human We still have a heart We still have that instinct to help people out that need help and that's what we are doing I wouldn't be able to live with myself for walking away and leaving kids like that. We wiped blood from children's faces end quote If that's not enough to show the uncrushability of the human Spirit stay tuned because social media found out about his selflessness and raised money for him and the joint chairman of the English Premier League Club West Ham United they play European soccer They stepped in and gave the man six months free rent and some money to get him on his feet So one down millions of homeless people to go But strangers helping strangers in the face of tragedy and meeting senseless dark hatred with unconditional love And that's what I'm talking about That's way happier than finding out why flamingos stand on one foot or this gecko Smiling with his little gecko doll, buddy. That isn't as uplifting as It's pretty good Look how happy he is. I Bet he's a cool gecko president Well, I tried my best a lot of things are bad and some people are bad But some things are good and a lot of people are good.
So I don't know. |
TheOnion | Sale_Of_BET_To_White_Supremacist_Group_Results_In_No_Changes_To_Programming | The sale of BET to a white supremacist group results in no changes to programming. A man talking for 15 minutes straight thought a film was self-indulgent, and President Obama waits for the perfect moment to walk by a White House tour group, excitedly saying they're totally going to freak out. Your willpower to sit through 30 seconds of advertising has brought you this far. You simply can't give up now. This is The Onion Week in Review. Leaders from the alien world of Zarklam 12 announced Wednesday that they would rescue innocent Syrian citizens since this world refuses to end the rampant bloodshed taking over the country. Supreme Emperor and dynastic overlord Thule told reporters that he could no longer sit idly by while humans continued turning a blind eye to the mounting casualties in the year-long uprising against President Bashar al-Assad.
As nights settled over the nation's capital Thursday, all nine Supreme Court justices were overheard drowsily bidding one another good night while drifting off to sleep in their giant shared bed. Tired from a long day of judicial proceedings, the justices drank big glasses of warm milk, blew out the candle on their nightstand, and prepared for their 930 bedtime as clerks tucked them in. Occasionally, Justice Alito will wake you up in the mood for the night and ask you to read a Marbury versus Madison to help him go back to sleep, but for the most part, they're just perfect little angels. Shh. You might wake them up. As the bright morning sun rose over Washington, the justices awoke and returned to work where they refused to delay the execution of an Alabama man.
And in local news, a succession of terrible events failed to befall a 33-year-old riding a longboard to his digital media job Monday. Shocked bystanders helplessly watched as media developer Jake Reston skated safely through Manhattan traffic without flipping over on his obnoxiously oversized skateboard and smashing his stupid fucking face into the pavement, with many saying they were horrified at the sight of the floppy-haired little shit walking into his office unscathed. It was one of the most horrible things I've ever seen. He wasn't even hit by a car. I was just praying that someone would step in and throw him off his stupid little skateboard and punch him right in the mouth. In sports, a report finds it's only a matter of time before a sports center host snaps and blows his brains out on live television. |
cracked | the_floating_mcdonald_s_barge | Have you heard the story behind the floating abandoned McDonald's? So it was made for this World's Fair called Expo 86 and it was supposed to attract all these people to come to the fair because it was this big floating McDonald's. So it totally works. 22 million people come to the World's Fair. They're like, oh my god I'm eating a filet of fish on water right now this is insane. But then when the fair ended everyone's like we don't want this giant floating McDonald's.
So it sits there and it deteriorates. It stirs in blade, trinity, port and turned it into our nightstalker's lair. It's just a shell with windows and we're putting in all the technology. So McDonald's sells the McBarge. It moves to a different river where it sits for years. There's moss growing everywhere and mold and there's barbed wire fencing and graffiti. It looks like a scene from The Last of Us. Then in 2017 they're like, hey we're gonna try and fix it up again and it will be a museum and they still don't have the money to do it. So it's still sitting there and one day when there's monkey men roaming the earth it will be all that remains of our civilization. |
cracked | why_dc_s_justice_league_might_not_suck | Guys, it's finally happening. The superhero team-up movie that DC has spent literally hours planning is here, Justice League. Three or four, right? Yeah, oh man. Multiple at least.
I like that the first frame is just ice, it's a nice tundra. Just ice league. Just ice league right off the bat to go to this tundra, like there's a more direct route to this town than get a horse and go up a mountain.
You have a helicopter that'll take you there. Not necessarily all of them even in the shape of bats. He has some who are just persuading helicopters.
I like that Aquaman when not in the water he spends himself in bars to show his grittiness. It's interesting for that town that the god of the ocean comes up every once in a while and is like really cool the first time I saw him, but he's in that bar a lot.
We got our first shot of cyborg and he looks just terrible. It's weird because the rest of the CGI in the trailer is not bad, but he specifically looks not finished. I think it's not done yet. I'm hoping it's like a, because the original Guardians of the Galaxy trailer was kind of janky, like it wasn't totally finished yet.
This is the Flash. The Flash's cave. What if he wasn't the Flash and Batman just nailed him right in the f***ing head? Killed this boy. Right in the eye.
When Batman says, you know a catch phrase he doesn't have and then he shoots off like three machine guns. You know a thing he doesn't do?
Right. There's one too many like quips and that's what Marvel beats like DC on, I think, is that they all made quips, but like the quips and the trailers, this is the best of what they got is like, what are your super powers again? I'm rich. In defense of that quip. Yeah, everybody, it's like, yeah, that's the joke that people make about Batman. It's fine, but at least they're acknowledging it and they're letting us know that they're acknowledging it by putting it in the trailer. So that might not necessarily be like a bad thing. I think the real question is, are you guys ready for some football? It comes in a strange moment in the trailer because we're, we've moved on to like quick montage of here's Aquaman using his trident to stop a giant tidal wave. Here's Wonder Woman jamming her sword into something. Here's, oh, one of the better days. Super power is getting drafted early. Amy Adams as Lois Lane doing an expression that is, are we filming? I'm still here. We got it.
J.K. Simmons as Gordon. As a yoked commissioner Gordon. Super small commissioner Gordon. With his cartoonishly large mustache.
Yeah. I think Wonder Woman's still on the show. Like her gymnastics, I mean like the Flash does all this cool stuff, but everyone has like CG involved. Hers seem like actual stunts that she's doing.
It's weird that they didn't do the money shot pose, which is Aquaman, Cyborg, Wonder Woman, Flash, and Batman planted like they're about to fight. They did. Yeah, there's no adventure shot. Just three of them. They did the like fist pump moment with Wonder Woman, Jace, Momoa, and what's his nuts, Cyborg. It could be that there's a spoiler with the hero shot. Yeah, they're just not.
Oh, it's gonna be Superman right now. Yeah. Should we assume Superman is in the next trailer or like... Probably. Are we all gonna just like keep pretending Superman is not in this movie? Yeah, Superman's dead and then give a knowing wink. We haven't seen the villain yet, right? Pretty sure, Stark said. Yeah. Like they nodded each other like the plan was...
I'm gonna get... Oh fuck! That is not what we discussed. I'm gonna keep driving. I want my horse back.
I thought it looks amazing. Like it's true that it does look like very removed. Like the backgrounds and the foregrounds just from like a lighting perspective. It makes it really like I know exactly where to look.
I mean I'm gonna see this movie at a theater where you can drink and I'm opening weekend as is my... Problems. As is my problem. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_256_Don_Walker | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate's weekly podcast, weekly radio show. Very excited to have today's guest on here. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, editor at large and today's guest is a Queenslander, which is a relief.
First Queenslander for a while, nice. We had Jason Foo, the Archibald Prize Artist last week and before that we had Jenny Robinson of Assange's lawyer fame, all New South Walsh men and women who just don't get it, you know. They've lived amazing storied lives, interesting careers but they just don't get it and today's guest does. We kind of already feel like we're on another level here. A lot of, I guess you'd say, the sensibilities are restored in the booth today, you know, our northern, I guess common sense because it's not common in New South Wales or anywhere else for that matter. They've just announced a new AFL team for Tasmania, which is hilarious.
We can talk about all that as we go. Today's guest is from the deep north originally, Tom Walker, thank you for joining us. Thank you very much for having me on. I'm a long-term admirer and reader of the Petuta Advocate and I have friends who email me headlines. Oh, well, it's good to know that I guess you're familiar with us before we start this podcast because we're familiar with you. I guess you could say you played somewhat of a soundtrack in a lot of our lives in the newsroom out behind us and you've actually lived an interesting life.
You've travelled down the coast effectively, decade by decade, would you say? You started off in North Queensland? I was born in North Queensland in Eyre, which is up north and North Queenslanders do make that distinction. But my memories, that was a long time ago, I left there when I was four years old and I was on a farm up there, on a sugar cane farm, of course, and then we moved down to another farm outside Grafton and that's where I grew up. So was that a cane-related move or what was happening in Grafton there at that time? No, I think it was a family-related move in that the cane farm on the Burdegen, which my mum and dad had cleared, that was all a going concern and got a good price and everything but the rest of the family were northern New South Washmen. So it's really just my brother and I and we have a cousin who are Queenslanders. Okay, alright, yeah, just time and place.
Yeah, well the Clarence is a very impressive river, I mean it's probably one of the premier rivers that they have down there in New South Wales. It's big, it's wide, it's powerful. It is. There's a lot of water. I think it's the biggest by volume. Mighty, is it, when you get to that size of river? The mighty Clarence, yes. They're stuck in mighty at that size.
I can actually tell you the lyrics of the Grafton High School song, if you like. I'd like to hear that.
By the Lordly, no, I won't go on, I'll forget.
So big as Lordly, the Clarence River. Where the Lordly River Clarence flows in splendor towards the sea.
There we go. That's how it begins. That is, you know, that is quite poetic for a school song.
It's good stuff. It's got a fair bit of purple prose in it. This is the fractured syntax, sorry, grammar.
In the hearts of all Graftonians, foremost shall forever stand. All Graftonians.
You just have to step back in awe from a stanza like that. Yeah, like I've been to Maclean, is it Maclean, the town on the other side of the Clarence there? Yeah, that's where the bridge is. Yeah, and it's a very Celtic town. Were you feeling that? The Scottish town. Yeah, the Scottish. Were you feeling that in the town as a young kid? Especially coming from Ayr, I mean, you know, have you ever been to Ayr in Scotland? No. It's like Lithgow by the bay, this is very nice. But were you feeling that in Grafton? It's got to be written by like overly romantic Scottish immigrants, that song. Well, Maclean's the Scottish town. Right. Grafton's full of German, Italian, you know, all sorts of surnames from everywhere. But Maclean's the Scottish town. Yeah, right.
I'm guessing South Grafton, you were a rebel's family? I was in... All the ghosts. No, in my heart I was a rebel because that's where, South was where my mother grew up. And my father is a lower river guy. But we actually lived on the north side of the river with the Grafton ghosts. But the rebels, South being much more of a mongrel side of the river, the rebels from memory, you know, won a lot more. Yeah.
It's unfortunate their hats, the rebel's hats have kind of been outdated now because of the Trump MAGA hats, because they were red with the white writing, the South Grafton rebels. So from about 10 metres away, you look like a diehard Trump supporter walking around with that hat on, which I guess has affected the merchandise sales. He ruined a lot of good hats of mine. Some of my best hats were red. I bloody can't wear them anymore.
We've got a lot of, how would you say, a lot of talent came out of that region in an array of different fields. I'd look at one of the...
Stacey Stevens.
Yeah. Troy Casser-Daley. Troy Casser-Daley, yes.
Bridie Jabbour is an author. She's been on the podcast here before.
And of course, you've got the Mundians a bit further down the river. I'm not sure what the name of the town off the top of my head, but they are a bunch of long. Mundians. The Mundians came up from Bar Ugal.
Yeah. Where the asbestos mine was. That's right. Yeah.
And they all escaped, well, the boxing tents kind of brought the family to Redfern, I believe. There's a lot more people from that region than you'd expect because, especially nowadays when people talk about North New South Wales, they think Byron Bay. Byron Bay would have been a ripple in the ocean compared to Grafton in that era in terms of size and in and out. Byron was a whaling town.
Yeah. I've heard that.
And it was a, and they had a jetty there until a cyclone flattened it. And my mother grew up there and it certainly wasn't a resort town like it is now. The Big Scrub. Do you remember any of that? Do you remember seeing the landscape change over the years? The Big Scrub was more up in the Richmond and I never saw much of it, but my mother grew up on the edge of it.
So when it comes to horticulture and botany and naming native plants and all that, she knows all that stuff with encyclopedic knowledge.
Yeah. Oh, another name, sorry. The Masters family. Chris Masters and Roy. Oh yes. Good Grafton stock. Yes, their mum Olga. My mother knew her. Yeah.
Yeah, no, they certainly brought down a few governments between the two of them. And a few football teams. Yeah, a few premierships.
But when was the, when did you get the calling for Chris Masters? He said it was time, it was when he wanted to be a journalist. He had to start in the dirt. He had to go further west and start working in the country newspapers.
What was it for you? Was it university?
It was university and there's no university in Grafton. So the nearest university up north is University of New England and Armidale. And so that's where I went. I can't remember applying too much to come to Sydney. It was just the natural place for anybody who's going to university up there just goes over to Armidale.
Yeah. And how was that experience? Armidale is quite a regal, well not regal. It's not quite at sea level. No. Compared to Grafton. While it's not too far as the crow flies, it's certainly a different kettle of fish altogether, isn't it?
Oh, from any other regional town, certainly at the time, because it was the only regional town with a university. And also not only the university, it had a teacher's college for 50 years and a whole handful of private schools. So it's an educational town, so it's a little bit different. It's a pretty town to look at.
Beautiful. Yeah. And the cathedrals and the churches and that kind of... What was it? Was that environment young people? Was that what you were feeling around there? You were surrounded by all of these mines that were being molded, I'm guessing, by a bit of Riverina Raleigh and some interesting things on the radio? Yes. Well, Raleigh didn't have to come from as far away as the Riverina, but... No, probably just across at Ebor, wasn't it? Yes, that's right.
But yes, there's a lot of young people there because of all the educational institutions, and so there's a lot of the rituals have to do with people between 18 and 25 trying to make fun for themselves in a small town. And do you feel like this is... When you look at some of the bands you've played in over the years, there was very much a pub or a kind of suburban grit to them, I felt, just from me as someone who's listened to them my whole life. Oh, thank you. It's kind of different to what you expect. There's more BNS balls and I guess race days happening in Armidale. When did you start feeling the, you know, the Australia that you kind of... You feel in your songs? I mean, I'm sure they vary and there is a bit of a country element as well sometimes, but you made quite universal music that actually wasn't country music.
It was very much translated right across the country. Was that when you moved to Sydney, you started feeling, you know, a metropolitan or at least a kind of a wider net? I moved to Adelaide first and spent a few years there. So that was the first big town that I lived in.
And when I was in Armidale, I wasn't writing. So you're right, the music up there for entertainment is, you know, especially out of the university balls and cabarets and the kind of bands that are playing out there are playing cover songs to, you know, to people who are pretty flattened, well-dressed but flattened. So there's not much that comes out of that in what I do.
It wasn't until I got to Adelaide and especially when I hooked up with the other young guys in Cold Chisel and we decided we'd shoot for, you know, trying to do some original songs that started to try and figure out how that might go. There's so many influences from that era of music, I would say, that you can hear in that era of music. The pub rock era, there was a lot of the 10 pound pom, you know, there was a lot of... Yeah, it's very like Australian gothic. Well, Adelaide and especially if you go up the gulf to Whyalla and places like that and Elizabeth where Jim came from and Jim Barnes came from and our drummer Steve Preswich. It was full of skilled North of England and Scottish immigrants. You know, guys who had like a welding ticket or electrical or something like that, guys who could build stuff and weld stuff and put stuff together. They shipped them out, whole suburbs full of them. So there's a strong North of England and Scottish soul input into the bands that were forming in Adelaide at that time. And what do you think came first? Was it the Adelaide music scene or was it these kind of families, you know, bringing their kind of sound to Adelaide?
And what, I mean, we've spoken to Ian Moss as well. He heard about something happening in Adelaide and he moved there from Alice Springs. Did the same thing happen to you? Well, no, I moved down there because I had a job and I thought he moved down there because he had an apprenticeship and there wasn't much, there wasn't very far to go in Alice Springs. No, no, it's only a bus ride, which I can imagine in the seventies would have been pretty quick, you know, and comfortable with air conditioning and all the mod cons, wooden seats, anti-social behaviour.
Yeah. You went there for work and then fell into this crowd. That's right. Yes.
I came out of university with qualifications and a Commonwealth cadetship, which meant that the government owed me a job, but they didn't have many jobs to suit somebody who, you know, had my qualifications. So there was only two places I could go and Adelaide was one of them. What were you looking at doing? I was a physicist on the theory side and a mathematician. And the only places they could find me a job were at the Commonwealth aircraft factory at Fisherman's Bend in Victoria or the weapons research establishment in Salisbury, which is north of Adelaide. So I chose Salisbury. And they said, well, you know, turn up in Adelaide and ring this guy and he'll take you out there.
So there was no cover letter online. There was nothing. No, no, none of that.
So I found lodgings in a university college in north Adelaide and rang the guy. And he's now he's a lifelong friend. And we got in his old bomb car and he took me out there and I started a job.
So you've joined a long list or not really a long list, an exclusive club of musicians who once, you know, who've come from that field. I mean, like the ones that spring to mind would be Art Garfunkel. I think he's got a degree in maths. Brian May from Queen. He's got a few degrees in astrophysics. I'm not sure if you were a part of the space wars division down there. But yeah, look, there's a lot of them. I think there's Dexter Holland from the offspring. I think he's also a PhD candidate in maths.
OK. Has having that kind of foundation academically really helped you in your songwriting endeavors? No, no, no. With music, reading music, is there something there with maths and and reading notes?
No, I haven't. I haven't read notes since. I mean, I can sit down and and laboriously do it, but I haven't read notes really since I was a teenager.
So can you do things like the tax return in your head or something? Or have you just completely just turned off that part of your mind? No, as soon as you put a dollar sign in front of the numbers, you know, those takes all the fun out of those old tape picks that have got a pause button. Yeah. I've got one of those in my brain when you put it. As soon as you bastardize maths with a currency sign, you know, that's right. It cheapens it.
And then so tell me what happened. Was it a case of falling in with the wrong crowd or was it a case of trying to find something to do in Adelaide that you ended up being part of a pivotal moment in Australian music history in terms of the Adelaide pub rock jump off?
By that stage, I was over it with the maths and everything. The job I had out of weapons research was not a particularly exalted job. I was listed as an aeronautical engineer working on a reasonably obscure problem.
And in the meantime, you know, I was enthralled by music and trying to figure out how to write songs and going and seeing bands all night every night. And I wanted to be in a band. And then was it a case of a bunch of guys who aren't in a band form a band? Or was it a case of an existing band that everyone kind of joined one by one until they took control of it?
It was like that. It was the second.
There was apparently an existing band. There was a guy called Les Katz Murrock who was the bass player in that band. And he was he seems to have been the organizer of that band because he was in a position to fire people. So they had a keyboard player who I'm told was on a trip to Sydney to buy many thousands of dollars worth of gear. And while he was gone, Les advertised his job. And I answered the ad and went out to a suburban house and walked in and Ian was there. And I had met Ian six months previously at a jam somewhere and run into him for a few times. So that was that was sort of the beginning of the band. So their existing keyboard player and guitar player, we never even met them. And as soon as Ian and I joined, we got together with Les and we fired their drummer and got Steve in.
Right. And then from there it was pub gigs or was it on the right? No, it was no gigs.
It was just rehearsing. After a little while, Ian wanted to concentrate on guitar. So we started looking around for a singer and we got we got Jim, who was known in the band. And we had connections because they were from Elizabeth. So Jim came in and we're just rehearsing. We had no connections to be able to get gigs except Les Kaczmarek, the bass player.
He he came from a Polish family. So our first gig was at the Polish club. I've heard of a lot of gigs at the Polish clubs over the years.
They kind of just let you go? We did what we did at that stage to to pretty much not much reaction at all. You know, at the Polish club, I remember there was like a sparse smattering of old people, old Polish people. And probably just trying to get over the war.
Yeah. And you guys are just bringing some really gentle kind of music to them. Yes. It's just what they needed.
And then and then when when did you feel it happening? When did you feel it? Oh, now I have to look at my calendar. When did you have that feeling? I'm going to be at the Night Train in Broken Hill on that weekend. When did you feel the the movement as a band happening? Was it a year in?
We we moved. I went back to Armidale to do some more study and they decided, well, can we come too? Yeah. And so they all threw their jobs in and got a cheap little van and moved to Armidale for six months. Which was a pretty months of their life, a pretty hedonistic six months for them. So there was a lot of moving around and they they did a lot of gigs and became a much better band in Armidale. I could sit here and tell you years of this stuff because we didn't actually get anywhere for a good many years.
Yeah. So there was a lot of just, how would you say, just failure? Yeah. Running the ball up, getting tackled and doing it again. That's right. Yeah. Well, you know, there's a lot of that in in niche at Queensland reporting as well. There's a lot of years spent being blown around the doldrums. Yeah. So I can imagine what it was like. Yeah.
Hitting the ball up, getting hit under the ribs and coughing it up. Just starting again.
I want to talk about the themes in the music that you wrote in that band as a solo artist as well. When did you start feeling like you could talk about things? Was that like a, you know, from the themes of a lot of your music in terms of like young manhood or, you know, stoicism or war? When did you feel like you had you could do that and your lyrics were special enough to do that?
Because that's a that's a really interesting thing to the everyone kind of takes from the from that era of music was like, actually, this was the first time we heard about being us in Australian rock music. Well, I don't know. There were people before that who were writing. I mean, Slim was writing Australian music like that for 20 years. It was probably 60 years ago, 30 years.
Yeah, something. Yeah. Well, I suppose that Joy was writing a lot. Yeah.
And when and when you talk to those people, they talk about, oh, we didn't we didn't start this. You know, there was Tex Morton and they have their own heroes of a previous generation. So I wouldn't say that I or we started anything, you know, five years before we came along.
There was Greg McCain's writing very, you know, very serious local lyrics. And and those lyrics were a lot of why people were getting into his band.
Skyhawks. The trouble is, it was all it was all about Victoria.
Yeah. And I don't need to add to that, do I? No, no, not at all. We've got enough of that.
They've got their own horse race. Would you say some of your songwriting was anti war or would you say it was more of the experience? And where did that kind of click for you? You know, we talk about veterans coming home and a lot of the things that actually hadn't been discussed that publicly. You know, aside from Normie Rowe, you know, we hadn't actually seen a lot of that stuff talking about the experience of people, particularly Vietnam, coming home to Australia. I didn't feel like, you know, that I was giving myself permission or anything or that anybody needed permission to write exactly what they like. And I wasn't in a position when when if you're talking about K-San, when that song was written, I wasn't in a position that anybody would ever hear it. Yeah. At that stage, we were living in Sydney. We were doing a gig a fortnight somewhere up the coast. There was no no chance that we would get a record deal because we'd been knocked back by every major company and a few of the minor ones. So I was really just writing for my own pleasure or, you know, out of my own interests and and making stories work and rhyme. And also, I guess what you're touching on is, you know, why would anybody be writing about veterans, however inaccurately? Well, that's not what I'm that's not what I'm asking. I'm saying it was the first time anyone actually said this is the experience, you know.
Well, my father was a veteran. Yeah, yeah. I was going to ask you had a long line of family to your first to your grandfather in the first World War. My grandfather was a veteran. My grandfather came home from France with, you know, big pieces of one side of his face missing.
And he went over there with his best mate from McLean and the best mate never came back. His two brothers never came back.
And, you know, I could sit here and tell you stories about all that. Same with my father and his brothers and cousins. And so that's all, you know, come from a family where I'm the first generation where we're not, you know, return soldiers. Yeah.
And did you ever feel that being a part of your part of the plan for you? Did you ever see yourself going that way? I mean, you did get pretty close down there in in Adelaide on that first job you had after university. But was there a bit of military in you or? I wouldn't have done it. I was in the cadets at school and I wouldn't have left school and joined the army. And I was shielded by going to university or shielded a bit from the ballot, which was operating at that time. You know, conscription graduated, you know, towards the end of the conscription era. So that kind of thing was always around. And joining the army was probably not something that I would have done.
And then when you start having songs like Kaysaan, Cheap Wine, with these sleeper hits, with these ones that you wrote and you performed and you performed and you performed. And then and then you found that they resonated so heavily that they kind of became popular and requested for that way. Or was it was there one moment or one song that kind of led to the radio play and then the increase in phone calls? Cold Chisel was never much of a radio band until radio kind of had to get on board. So going back to the songs, I think Kaysaan was our first single and it clocked in in the high 50s. It got to number 47 or something and then dropped out again. And from then on, you wouldn't hear it unless you came and saw us live. But more and more people were doing that. And and so it was it was a long sleeper and a grower. And two big changes happened somewhere around after a few years.
We put out I was trying to write hit singles, radio singles, which which didn't never came naturally to me. I'm not that kind of writer, but but nevertheless, I was trying to I was thinking, you know, how hard can it be?
And at the same time, I had mates in in Dragon and in particular Paul Hewson, who would who would just like get up and write a hit before breakfast. And so I could see the dramatic change that happens to your life when you have to hit single. When I first met those guys, you know, they were eating toe clipping sandwiches upstairs down at the Coogee Bay Hotel.
They had no money and nothing happening. And then they had like a string of over four months. They had a couple of hit singles and it's it went off like their whole life went off like a rocket.
And I was still on the toe clipping sandwiches and thinking, you know, I would really like some of that. So we were, you know, I was really trying to do that.
And so I wrote this song, Qui Girl, and that got some leverage at radio and started to get played on the radio. A completely different song to what we do live. We're doing live, which was getting more and more ferocious. But it was something that radio could play and it had it had melody in it and it wasn't too fast and stuff like that. That that made a big change. The other big change that happened was that FM radio came in sometime around 79 or 80. And we, for some reason, what we were doing and what our raft of bands were doing by that, I mean, you know, us, the Oils, the Tats and the Angels. And that kind of generation of bands really fitted with FM radio about the time that we're all taking off live.
Yeah, I was about to say, like, how do you think your songwriting has evolved over time? I mean, like how you were saying that, you know, K-Sign came from a time when you didn't really have, you know, pressures to perform every night. You didn't have a label that was breathing down your neck asking you to do another one. How did it change over time, sort of going from the early singles like K-Sign into something more contemporary like Qui Girl?
Like, did the music come first or was it just always the lyrics? I've always been always been focused on the lyrics. I guess as I got older, I became drawn to people who in my listening to people who are good with lyrics and always recognised through listening to the music that my father loved from the 30s, which, you know, great American songbook stuff. That there's some serious and beautiful lyrical skills going on beneath the melody. So that was that was always probably more of a concern of mine than most contemporaries. Yeah, I would say perhaps maybe.
And how did you navigate? I mean, you've had such a storied career outside of Cold Chisel and you've had many iterations with your music in bands and now, of course, your fourth solo album. How did you navigate the lifestyle? That's what I want to ask. I mean, even from before you'd even had the pressure of the gigs, of the gigs and the gigs and the stadiums and the whatevers, you had the blokes living in Armidale for six months where you're trying to finish uni, you know what I mean? And they're living hard. How did you kind of navigate all of that? Or was it all one momentum? It was all moving towards the same place, which was to just keep playing as much as possible and keep writing as much as possible. Well, we're always focused on the music and the writing and, you know, really, really obsessive about what we do and try to get better and better and figure it out.
And listening to a broad, pretty broad river of music, of input, you know, for me, I was a Led Zeppelin fanatic and I was a Duke Ellington fanatic. So, but how do I synthesise those two? And then there's six other things that I love. Yeah.
You know, how do you mix Frank Zappa in there? You know, or Ella Fitzgerald, how do you mix Frank Zappa and Ella Fitzgerald? I'd love to see that on stage, but I'd love to see Frank sing and Ella play the guitar. Closest I've seen to that is Adele and Darius Rucker doing a duet.
That was pretty special. That's about as obscure a duet gets, I think. Yeah, they had one at the... They covered Lady Annabella. It's a good track, it's a good track.
But how, with the, you know, it's the only industry you've got where your employer, effectively for the night, drops in a couple cartons into the green room and expects you to finish it. There's no other workplace like that, where you're expected to do that.
How did you guys keep moving forward? Or was it just you just take it in the ribs and wake up dusty and have a coffee and a cigarette and do it again?
Yes, as you just said, you know, and it's just a matter of how deeply you want to, you want to dive in. But there's no question that you are diving in. This is part of, it's part of the attraction.
You don't have to get up in the morning and turn up somewhere for work at eight o'clock or eight thirty. You can sleep in, you can stay up as late as you like, sleep in the next day.
A lot of the time there's not much food, but there's a lot of drugs and drink and... Dinner at Arthur's at two in the morning, up on the cross. Arthur's? No, Arthur's didn't feed you with us. But that was more like the glitterati of the time went to Arthur's.
I was just trying to think of a King's Cross locality. You spent a lot of time there over the years. You can feel a lot of the Sydney kind of red light district as well. Did you spend a bit of time in those haunts or where were you? Were you doing that Bondi Kiwi thing, just driving up and down South Head Road doing gigs? In that era, you're talking late 70s, I was pretty much based in the cross.
The other guys were for a matter of days and then sensibly moved out, found couches to surf on. Jim was out towards Bondi and Bondi Junction and also over in Oxford Street, a few of the blokes were in a share house over there. Well, he is Scottish, so going to Bondi Junction is probably the natural fit.
Is it? He's not a Celtics fan though.
No, well, they do call, like over in Ireland, they call a county couchie. Yeah, when they lose yet another young kid to the sunshine, they always going to county couchie.
Yeah, that might have been a bit before that. I think Jim's a Celtics guy. Yeah, the lifestyle of, you know, everyone remembers the hard living era of the hard rock. Pub rock era. When did you feel yourself starting to tape? Was that a solo thing or was that another band? Like, I feel nowadays that you could easily do the cup of tea, you know, I mean, you'd have to almost if you want to keep this career going, cup of tea in the green room. Yeah, I mean, like for years and years, the only person really in contemporary music that I have seen regularly consume a bottle of vodka over the whole of the set would be The Game that Clance and I were lucky enough to see in Belfast a couple of years ago. He's a rapper from America. He drank a bottle of vodka over the course of his kind of set. And that's something that Jim was really sort of known for. But he obviously doesn't do that anymore. Like, is there a time when, you know, you as a group kind of get to the point where it's like, is anyone keen to just go and have a pub steak and a couple of glasses of water and then go back to sleep? After the show? Well, I still, if we're doing like a Cold Chisel reunion now, I'll still fairly commonly have a scotch or two with Jim because he's interested in whiskey and I'm interested in whiskey after the show. Still, you know, it's been a while since I've seen, you know, white lines and stuff like that, but not as long a while as you would think.
The Olympics is a good time. We've got an album that's out now, recorded in two days.
Is that true? Yes. 2022. Yes. Was this coming out of the pandemic? How do you do that? We're swapping files while the pandemic's on. Yep.
And we've got Hamish Stewart, the drummer, he's in Manly and Roy Payne as he was in Mayfield or as he stresses, East Mayfield. East Mayfield. Mayfield Heights.
That's right. And we're passing around files and trying to... So they're familiar with some songs while COVID's going on and then we got an opportunity to get into a room together and we woodshed those songs quite intensely for a few days, come up with some new ones. We actually wrote a song all together in that process. So we did a couple of sessions like that, just in a rehearsal room for three days. And then we got together and did some gigs. One gig in Sydney, two gigs in Victoria, just to tighten everything up. So that by the time you go into the studio, on the back of those gigs in Melbourne, everybody knows the songs, everybody knows what the flavour needs to be and where we're all going with it. So you can go in and largely play them live. That's how you do an album in two days. I was just thinking about that.
We've just recently had our first experiences with Screen, filming on Screen. We're doing a documentary on Fine Cotton, the Fine Cotton affair.
I'm sure you loaded up on that one back in 85. Like you and the entire Queensland government, police force, everyone. But there's that one moment where you're stuck on one line, it just comes out wrong, it just comes out wrong. Do you find, and that's something for TV, that's something you just got to get over and it doesn't matter how much you've rehearsed it, but do you actually feel you don't get caught up like that recording an album if you've been playing it? That's right. If you've been playing it live, like one night live in front of an audience, a song grows and becomes more embedded and developed than it does from 10 weeks rehearsal. Yeah, right. It just becomes a part of your recall.
Well, yeah, I'm not sure if you have read it, but at the moment I'm reading Inside Out by Nick Mason about the drummer from Pink Floyd. And they were saying that they were essentially performing Dark Side of the Mood live in 1971 and the album came out in 1973.
So they had so much time to workshop everything. Like I'd say too, it's also, you know, having a few years of experience under your belt, kind of doing this, like this isn't the first album you've done, so you know what you're doing. Does it get any easier to get an album out or do you always have to go through the same kind of process? It's a big exercise because I don't have a huge business infrastructure. So I'm essentially doing it with a manager, with a publicist and with some very close mates who I've been playing with for 10 or 15 years on and off. And so it's more of a cottage industry.
But there's a lot of joy in it. I mean, I can't think of anything that you could do for a living that would be this much fun.
Except, you know, what you guys do is, The Petuta Advocate sounds like, you know, a bunch of guys in a hut out the back of the Petuta race course, a few beers, coming up with funny lines and thinking, well, let's put this in a newspaper. It does. Yeah. So you say it's a bit of a making an album for you is like being inside a peanut gallery on unicycles, juggling and drinking full strength, 4X bitter. I've often thought that it's just like that.
I want to talk about the songwriting. Is it the song, whether you're with Tex or whether you're with Ian or whether you're with the band, you're working on your solo album, do you find yourself, especially with such emotive themes, you know, that we've seen over the years, some songs are rock and roll, some songs, you know, everyone's thinking about what they're hearing you sing. Do you defend your songwriting or it's all about what works as a song? Have you ever had to defend, you know, your songwriting kind of guys, I think this will actually work. You know, it's not really a jump on cars kind of rock song, but it is, or do you feel like you're all in the same vein? You're all kind of in the different bands you've been in. You're all got the same vibe about the music you're making. If you notch up a few wins, then people around you, I guess, trust your idea, what the ideas that you have, especially if you're not utterly dogmatic, nobody wants to work with somebody who, nobody wants to be just a session player for an egomaniacal songwriter.
Yeah. So like being in the Beach Boys. Yeah.
So you got to be, if you set things up like that, you're just not going to have a very good band. So the first thing you have to do is get other people into writing. And so everybody's having fun. But when I bring something in, I've got a reasonably clear, well, I've got a pretty clear idea of how I think it should go, but I'm always open because, you know, other people can have good ideas too.
Well, we look forward to seeing some of these songs live. Errol, where can you see the fourth studio album of Don Walker, Lightning in a Clear Blue Sky?
So look, the first one, it really sends a chill down my spine because I've had many a cold beer here. And I've also spent a lot of nights seeing the sunrise in this part of the world. It's Friday, the 19th of May at the Imperial in Yermundi.
Oh, Kevin Rudd Country. Kevin Rudd Country there.
And then the next night, May the 20th, we're at the Old Museum in Brisbane, which is a fine venue. And then there's a bit of a break over Queen Victoria's birthday. We go back to the Factory Theatre in Sydney, and that's on Friday, the 16th of June. And then the next night, the Saturday, the 17th, we're down at the Barrow Bowling Club in Barrow. I wonder who's going to pop in there.
Is that where, that'd be where Don Bradman learned to bowl? No, Don Bradman's from Cootamundra. But yeah, I think he did learn to bowl his right arm orthodox spin down there at the Barrow Bowling Club. But look, I think he was more of a batter than a bowler.
And then on Friday, the 23rd of June, we're at the Suki Lounge in Melbourne. It's probably somewhere quite fashionable. Don, have you ever played at the Suki Lounge? Have played at the Suki Lounge?
Yes. I guess it's somewhere in the middle. Belgrave, Victoria. Oh, right. Yeah, that's nice.
And then on Saturday, the 24th of June, we're at the Memo Music Hall in St Kilda, which I guess is a satellite town of Melbourne these days, isn't it? St Kilda? St Kilda.
It's a little bit upmarket these days. But there is a stretch, as in Kings Cross, there is a stretch that is just as colourful as it always was. Keeps you on your toes. Yeah, and you're also playing at the Blues on Broadbeach Festival. Yes, it's the 21st of May. On the Goldie, yep.
And then at the Gympie Master. The Gympie Music Master.
What a sensational show that is. I've been to many musters, actually.
Do they put you up in tents there, or what's the go? No, no, we're in a motel. Gympie is, as you blokes would know, Gympie can be a pretty cold place around muster time. They don't want to be out in the open air.
Yeah, no, the Gympie Master, I dare say each time you go, 80% of the patronage have been there before. It's a real recurring crowd. They get hooked on it. It's a great weekend out if you haven't done it before. Can help to have the rum blanket if you're camping out under the stars, though, at that time of night.
But Don, the album's out this Saturday, May the 5th. This podcast will go live on the Monday. So the album's out a couple days ago.
Yep. You can get it at any streaming service. You can't get it at Sanity anymore, because the last one shut the other day. Did it? Yeah.
It wasn't like in our day where you just go to Napster. Yeah, we really put an old industry on its skates as teenagers. A little bit of sharing.
Poor old Metallica. How would they ever recover? They were filthy.
Anyway, thanks for joining us, Don. Great yarn. Obviously, a man who's inspired the Batutah Advocate greatly over the course of our existence. And yeah, thank you for running the ball up for all those years to bring us and treat us to what you have. Thank you. Thank you very much for having me on the Batutah Advocate podcast. |
TheOnion | For_Teacher_Appreciation_Week_Give_Your_Teacher_A_Pack_Of_Cigarettes | I really hope I get this. It definitely couldn't hurt to make a few extra bucks here and there. Marissa Klemp is a 16-year-old student at Pittsfield High School. She's applying here at Redstone Tavern in the hopes of earning a little money over the summer, a sentiment echoed by her sophomore chemistry teacher, Rebecca Murphy, who is also applying for the same waitressing job. I don't think it's something I could keep up with once school starts, but I don't want to have to bug my parents about money all the time. I'm just hoping that if I get enough shifts, I might be able to save up enough money to buy a car.
The bus sucks. Well, it could be a used Corolla or something. Nothing fancy. I just need something to get from point A to point B. I really don't want to have to ride the bus again next year.
Both the teenager and the high school educator are hopeful their past restaurant experience will earn them the part-time serving position, but the decision will ultimately be left up to Jeff Kerrigan, Redstone Tavern's manager, as to which of the applicants is most qualified for the job. We had a lot of people from last year come back, so there's only so many spots left open. They both have serving experience, which is good, but we really need people with open availability.
I think Rebecca has some summer courses she teaches during the week, but we'll have to see. When I walk into this classroom, it's kind of like I'm the student, and they're the teacher. It's really something. Having made repeated claims that she learns more from her students than she could ever hope to teach them, Cincinnati area 10th grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman was recently fired from her position at Jefferson High School, where the self-described lifelong learner failed to teach her students the school's basic science curriculum. These kids have had such an impact on my life. I've just learned so much from them. And it sounds cliche, but you could almost say I got more out of it than they did.
I don't know what they did in there, but it couldn't have had much to do with 10th grade chemistry. I mean, Jennifer is obviously a very sweet person, but these kids need to walk out of here with some basic fundamental knowledge. They never even went over the periodic table. She has to teach these kids scientific nomenclature, not be their little buddy. Bray says Steenman's failure to meet the school's baseline expectations ultimately led to her termination, noting that consecutive meetings between Steenman and faculty administrators did nothing to improve her subpar performance as an educator. Several students were sad to learn of their teachers firing, though few were surprised to hear the news.
Mrs. Steenman was always really nice, but every time I'd stay after class to get help, she was kind of all over the place. One time she was just going on about how she hoped that I was as inspired by her as she was by me. Sometimes I just want to shake her and say, just teach us photosynthesis. Tell me about vectors. I mean, isn't that her job? |
cracked | why_jk_rowling_is_ruining_harry_potter_cracked_responds | Potter fever? Hey, Adam. Yeah, Theresa. What's up?
Feeling sick already. Yeah, I'm feeling ill with my Potter fever.
Not me. No?
I love it. I got the fever. I know the spells. You're fine with it? I got a wand. No, I love the books and the films. Now there's Fantastic Beasts and How to Bleed Them Dry, five of them.
It's a great movie. Really good. You should all see it.
Are there five confirmed? Yes. So why is this worse or different than Marvel or Star Wars 2? It just feels like Harry Potter is forcing that. It's not like, oh, we have this Harry Potter series that's going to go on forever and we're going to do comics and do all these different things. It's just, here are the books. Wasn't that great?
Oh, but we've got to make more money. There's so much more money in the world.
I feel like the medium is different. Pottermore is this thing that I just think is so fucking funny. It's J.K. Rowling. This is the real fucking deal. It's not even really short stories that Rowling is doing. It's just sort of like backstory and like information about like, here's like this school and here are their rules and here are what their houses are called. You're the author of this book. So go write another story and use these things to sort of color that. This is like, I don't know, it's just so silly.
The first president of Mikusa was... What is it called? Mikusa?
The National Congress of the United States of America. Oh, that's an acronym. Josiah Jackson, a warlike wizard who was voted into post fellow representatives because he was considered tough enough to deal with the difficulties of the post Salem wish trials era. And this is a list of names. Theodore Fontaine, Gandalfus Graves, Helmut Weiss.
It's more infuriating because it never seems to add like some emotional depth. Like it's just facts. This feels like here's just more stuff. Now you know, yeah. Yeah, here's like some scribblings I made on a napkin. Like the Harry Potter books are all pretty fun. Like what's the experience I'm supposed to have?
In use for centuries, the flu network, while somewhat uncomfortable, has many advantages. Firstly, unlike broomsticks, the network can be used without fear of breaking the international statute of secrecy. So that's the first paragraph of a really long essay about the flu network.
Yeah. Do you feel like she's defending, like somebody was like, dude, why do you need a flu network if you just separate, bro? And she's like, I'll f***ing show you. Like, give me that napkin. I mean, yeah. I would love if this was all her indignant ramblings. And like she went on and on about this s*** in the books. Yeah. Okay, let's say you're like in a relationship with someone you like. Let's say that. And then it, like the first time you read a Harry Potter book, it's like the first kiss or whatever. And then you're like, no, but I still like this person. I still want to be in this world. So like what else can this relationship offer me? Bring out the toys. Yeah. Potter was like the sex toys of Harry Potter. Like I was still pretty like feeling the passion, you know?
Like I didn't need the spice. I didn't need the spice.
It's been eight years. This first part I think is like an excerpt from like an old book about the flu network that you could find. And like if you did, there'd be like frayed edges and it's like written like Harry Potter. And then she's like, anyway, this is JK. Flu came from the flu that you find on a chimney. Duh. And don't ask me to tell you exactly what a flu is because I don't know. Okay, wait. So like she's just defining words we already know. Like wand came from the word wand, which usually means a wand. You know, like she's giving me those thoughts. Yeah. This is like director's commentary about like the most boring... But on text.
The night bus was so named because firstly, night with a K is a homonym of night. Wow. Come on. Night with a K has the connotation of coming to the rescue of protection. And this seemed appropriate for a vehicle that is often the conveyance of last resort.
I just want to step in real quick. Every single fucking English night as a musician, they're not protecting anything. Right. Just real quick. I just want to step in.
Sir Paul McCartney has not protected anyone.
This is like an English class. There are things that like clear the author intended and then there's like just, you know, finding your own interpretation and so on. Sure. But like I'm not reading Brave New World and then like, oh, what does all this Huxley have to say about literally every single thing in this? Right.
Aristotle of Twelve Trees was a competent man. But his daughter, Dorcas, was as dim as she was pretty.
Flu Powder was invented by Ignacio Wildsmith. The only licensed producer in Britain is Flu Pal. No shortage of Flu Powder has ever been reported.
So why are we talking about it? Yeah, thank God. Like really concerned about the mercantile economy of Flu Powder. There's the makings of like, okay story here. But why do I need these three paragraphs to tell me that like nobody knows how Flu Powder is made? This is bad for fans. Yes.
Because you deserve better. You've given so, so much to her and the franchise. You deserve better than dork as Twelve Trees.
She talked about like the great Bigfoot brigade party. Or like, there's like, there's like a Bigfoot revolution or something.
She's blowing her opportunity to like Forrest Gump the Harry Potter world. That to me is the only reason Pottermore should exist. Go back and like retcon a bunch of s*** in human history and point out how it was always f***ing wizards. Pottermore needs to be the joke in Men in Black, where it's like you just find out the success of people. Yeah, there's Mike Jackson. Yeah, that person's an alien. That's what Pottermore needed to be. And she f***ed it up. Why didn't you watch Men in Black, JK Rowling?
It's a great film. We need this essay on Dementors and Chocolate. Hey guys, please come out to UCB Sunset to see the next live crack podcast.
It's going to be December 10th, and we're going to be doing our year in review app. We're calling it the year in review in review.
What does that mean? I actually legitimately don't know yet, but I'm going to figure it out before then, and it's going to be awesome. Hope to see you there. |
dropout | fun_with_stock_photos_dads_on_phones_holding_babies | Hey Tevers that you yeah, this is normal. I listen I can't really talk right now I got the baby and though and the bottle in my neck. You know it's not a great It's not a great time not a great time for me either I'm I got my baby here holding it like a football every day I wake up and I look down at this little alien sleeping next to me in bed where I'm pretty sure it's dangerous to Be in bed with me in the first place. I'm thinking it. I mean it looks like a larger balls I Hear yeah, it looks like larger balls. You know who we should call who's that let me conference in Marty Oh, Marty knows what he's doing big city Marty. Oh my god I'm gonna come no one else in that support group whose wives all died together on June 3rd in a freak Rollercoaster accident has his shit together more than what hey Hey, Marty, how you doing thing? How's things cracking over there? Cuz I'll tell you what's cracking here eggies. Oh, how we sure how we sure she'll getting along without his mom Well, I'll tell you what you know pretty well I got things really under control cuz you know I'm able to just you know bing bang boom I go out I do the deals like come on might that take care of the kids because you know here I'm with the kid when I'm home obviously, but then when I leave the kid I just put it tummy down on the couch and kind of hope for the best And I was wondering if you had a better you know you know I honestly you know you do whatever feels good You know because here's here's the thing everything every day. I've left since you know since Martha died I I leave it on the couch I just sort of leave the TV on low volume you know Nick Jr. Whatever and I leave it I come home. It's still there. It's fine me It's upset, but but you know I mean what do you do you pick it up an hour later?
It's like it's like nothing happened like a cat you know wow is wow here's another question I that I have is it natural at this age that they should eat You know actually that's a that's a great question. I'm making three eggs for myself I haven't wow geez you know come to think of it Yeah, when are they supposed to eat because I know it's like you know seafood You got to give it to him gradually, but you know when are they getting ready wanted to or what do you think about lobster bisque? And dipping dots you know I gave it a steak, and it couldn't pull it apart I have a question how much coffee is too much coffee for a baby because I cuz I got a full cup here I mean I put milk in there. I know that I know kids like milk, but you know he's got to stay awake because you know I just got home at 3 a.m..
How How necessary are kids clothing because I'm doing pretty well with a pillowcase in a rubber band But at some point or another I got an upgrade from my phone because it's from 1992 mine is too Yeah, I'm on the landline. Yeah. Oh, I don't know if you guys notice.
I make $14,000 a year I think we assumed you were much more successful than that It's crazy. I you know I make more thing. I make like $24,000. I still haven't managed to move out of this white boy I Make you know over at my job at Pixar. I may I make about I'll be honest. I'll make about 15 million a year I thought I was the poorest one here turns out.
I'm very very very wealthy Is it too soon to worry that my kid has a tiny penis? No, never too soon Hi, I'm Jake and I'm Jake and if you like that video you can click on us to subscribe to the college humor YouTube channel Or click below to watch more videos Hey |
cracked | the_4_most_impressive_wastes_of_time_on_record_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 01011 of Crack TV, where Somnambulous Wayne Scott Antidus establishmentarianism irrespective of Malapropisms. With me as always is my co-host, Clips of Stuff in Slow Motion that's made no more interesting by being in slow motion. And this time the screen is gonna fold long way down the side of the glass.
Right, but wouldn't I? Okay, whatever you say.
If you're wondering why I'm taking my time with the intro of this episode, it's because today's topic is four ways to waste time. Why spend your days having sacks or inventing things when you can stack stuff? While you're at it, try and find the most worthless possible thing to stack.
That's about right.
This guy holds the world's record for largest pyramid of pennies, which, incidentally, also earns him the record of world's saddest man. To construct this massive pyramid, he had to neglect his family for upwards of 300 hours.
I wonder what he's gonna do with it now. Hey, this is Greg. I responded to your Craigslist ad about the washer dryer. I'm in a truck outside with the money. Oh, great. You have no idea how long I've wanted to get those big clunky metal things out of the house. Actually, maybe you better come out.
But to really be a waste, your stacking's got to amount to absolutely nothing. So let's see what happens when this guy's stack of a bazillion Jenga blocks meets a local TV reporter.
Hello? Oh! Geez, Brad. I don't know what to say. It's okay, stymied reporter. I know what to say. Oh! Jenga. Film stuff!
You thought you were gonna nod off during the Band of Brothers marathon? Try staying awake through all 95 hours of Matryoshka, a movie based on a single image of a guy on a bike. I don't know what it was about.
I just know by the end I'd gone through 16 boxes of Junior Mints and my bladder exploded. But what if you're not a hotshot experimental filmmaker and you still want to waste hundreds of hours producing a video? Easy. Just take animation, the most time-consuming method of filmmaking known to man, and make each cell 40 feet high. And that's not even factoring in the time spent running from police, waiting, then returning to the same spot to do the same illegal thing at the same time of day. You know, this video would actually be awesome if it weren't eight minutes of what amounts to a flip book you made in junior high. Oh! That reminds me of another good time waster.
Lots and lots of drugs. Speaking of mind-altering substances, play video games!
But really, play is the wrong word. To waste some serious time, you're gonna need to work at a video job. Only then will you be able to perfectly play a song that somebody else already recorded. It's about four in the morning. Look I love Guitar Hero, but proudly posting this video is like proudly posting a video of yourself stubbornly refusing to pick up a real guitar. Not gonna do it. Could. But... fuck that. Here's someone so close to playing real piano, that if you just slipped a keyboard in between their hands and the machine, you'd have yourself a recital. And only in the world of video gaming could you combine the time-wasting techniques of stacking, gaming, and filming into one towering inferno of lost life. There go precious moments that should have been spent causing real explosions. For shame.
Next stuff, giant. No, I'm not talking about an enlargement ray. That would actually be a boon to society. I'm talking about convincing 12-year friends to help you build a giant stuffed rabbit in the Italian countryside. Art? A horrific roadkill designed to traumatize the space baby from 2001. And before you start daydreaming about sleeping Totoro's style on his belly, you should know that the whole thing's stuffed with straw and it rains in Italy. A lot. That rabbit's probably starting to smell pretty authentic by now, if you know what I mean.
What depiction of a giant animal could be more meaningless? How about one that was barely funny when it came into existence four years ago? Frankly, as far as outdated internet memes go, you could have picked one with more stopping power.
Now that'll cause some accidents. And there.
I've officially wasted five minutes of your time. But don't worry. That's nothing compared to the amount of time I wasted writing, filming, and editing this show.
Anything you want to leave us with, Clippy? Why is this happening? And remember, if you'd like to help pick next week's topic, you probably haven't figured out how this works yet.
I've been your host, droid Michael Swaim. Allow me to play you out.
I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try. Run out of time. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_senator_marsha_blackburn_on_judge_jackson_s_confirmation_hearings_snl | Several Republican senators were criticized for asking irrelevant, sensational questions during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing of Judge Contangi Brown. Jackson. Here to comment, is one of those Senators: Marcia Blackburn? Hey, we are these confirmation hearings.
Oh, we crushed it. So many great smart questions.
Are babies racist? Is murder bad?
And those are real questions that my fellow republicans asked an adult judge right? And what did you ask her? Oh, I hit her with the coup de grace. You ready for this?
Define woman.
She couldn't do it.
I mean, huh. Well, kind of kind of a nuanced, complicated question. How? Well, Okay, well. how do you define woman?
You jerking my perm. You honestly don't know. It's simple. It's biology. Colin. Okay, it's your private parts. but not the ones you have when you're born. but just the bottom private parts. Because the top ones come later. No, you know what? Okay, I'm gonna do. it's your period. Gotta have a period. Unless you're old or young, or pregnant, or stressed out or doing gymnastics. No, you know what? Private final answer: baby privates. It's not just biology. Okay. woman is cheerleader, nurse, teacher, prostitute.
Come on, you've seen them. You know they're always cold. They're the ones that be shopping.
I really don't know what you're talking about. Yes you do. You know woman is like and man is like, oh, you are not making any sense. You are just not getting it. You know?
Let me show you. Oh yes, don't we love these big stupid dumbass boards of these big stupid dumbass pictures. Okay, come on, look how simple it is. The color pink The ones would be have hairdos in the far side, longer thinner cigarettes. they're having fun dancing around in a commercial for underwear you can pee in.
Do you get it yet? I think I get it less. Okay.
Well, why is defining woman even relevant to a confirmation hearing? Are you kidding? It is the most important thing for a supreme court justice because if you don't know what a woman is, how the hell you gonna take her rights away? Can I get a man? No. Marsha Blackburn Everyone. |
dropout | collegehumor_drawcast | I'm going to start the first date. Yeah, no. I'm starting to start the date. I'm going to start the date.
Yeah, no. No. No. No way.
This is my life. This is the path I've chosen.
Don't worry, he's glorious. You don't own me. You're right, though.
Oh, and see if you can get into the Google Hangout, and then I think you can make what? I'm yelling at Owen. Draw him here. Do what? Get in the Google Hangout, and I think your face can be on screen or something.
I think there's a way we can do that. Yeah. I think we...
Yeah, this is the newest Pokemon. Famous testicles. Oh, man.
I wish that there was a way that you could do it where you can play a game like that, and then you can save it... I mean, it gets to the Internet, so you should be able to save it to different files, so that you can be like, I've got to leave, so I'll save this file, and then play on my home... Yeah, that would be great. That would be fun.
That's the voice of Adam Conover and me talking about video games.
Okay, so... Let me refresh this page. I don't think that's going to fuck anything up. Fair enough.
I was having fun. I was trying to figure out a way to do...
Can we invite people to hang out in the actual Hangout? It's a limited audience, first of all. There's 800 viewers, but nobody responds to stuff. I couldn't even join the Hangout, and I work here, so I don't know.
I've heard a lot of requests for a mirror. Yeah, that's fine. I'll get a picture.
It's burned into my heart. It might accidentally turn into Brian Murphy. I turned on Callie's Drawcast, and the first thing I heard was Someone from Twitter mentioned that. I think it's been Joseph. Somebody else mentioned the thing. DrawGoCore, I'll reach through the screen and strangle you. Turned twice a year.
That's a threat. I don't think there are a lot of threatened people over the internet. Last time I checked, that's illegal.
Can I use your mouse to find the new comments? Let me just show any new comments.
Draw a bro. Great, thank you. I've seen a lot of requests for Spongebob after a mirror. Someone wants you to make a mirror Batman.
He wouldn't be Batman, though. I feel like he would be another superhero. Also, he wouldn't be able to see his face. I will draw him as his own superhero.
Marina said Drawcast called to love drawing cars. No! Marina knows from past Drawcast that cars are my weakness.
I'm going to try something real quick. Abby, what is your Google name thing? It's Abby Crowfield.
You're not showing up. I think if I do this, I just invited you. See if you can join. It worked. You're on the screen. Now you're all?
No, it went away. What happened? You left the group. Why did you leave?
Straight up, they can't handle it.
I guess we've got to draw Goku, guys. You've played right into my trap. I wanted to draw Goku this whole time.
Really bad.
Some people have those little things that say inspire yourself, or like write every day. Mine is just draw Goku every day. That's our mirror. I have an actual question. SC Dragoon, I use a Cintiq, which is like a big drawing tablet. You can be on it.
I think now other people are in there. You should be able to hear them. No one's in there.
Oh, is that how that works? Oh, that's how it works.
Talk loud and hard.
Ghost by Gaslight, 17 all new stories illuminate the steampunk world of fog and fear. He's reading from his acclaimed self-published novel, The Steampunk Bible.
Okay. Yeah, maybe I can control that.
Who are you? Why do you have this? Why are you listening to this? What is this? We have a lot of questions.
Oh, there's a Gene Wolf story in here. He wrote some good books.
Looks very hard to read.
What does this do? No, I don't want to know.
Okay. Uh oh. Wait, I think I... Okay. Good, how are you? Okay.
Uh huh, but I don't think they can hear you. Hey Owen, say something and ask them if they can hear you. Can he hear me? They can hear you? Oh, you just popped up.
Yeah, I muted my microphone for a while because I was having a conversation over here in the room. And now I'm going to mute my microphone again. I guess I should keep talking so that you don't keep popping up.
Oh, that's a good idea. Alright.
You're fucking muted, son.
Let's draw that Goku here. Big, beautiful palm tree. That's the Goku I know. That's the Goku I love.
And then it just does this, and then it just kind of goes on forever. There you go. It's like a weird widow's peak.
I don't remember that.
I think his chin is a little more beep, beep, yeah, there we go. Giant ears though. Really big ears. And the neck is just a little too big.
All connected. Uh oh, I messed up. There we go. Do we have any other requests coming in? Okay.
Draw a monkey. Goku's kind of a monkey.
Okay.
Running out of room. We come back up here. Should I refresh?
Hmm.
I already drew a penis. Jack Zaper. Morgan Freeman. See if I can draw. He's going to draw like a super realistic Morgan Freeman. He's got that weird like... He does have freckles, but he's also just got like kind of just a big block of tofu for hair. Okay, now he's drawing Morgan Freeman.
He's going to be good. He's dropped in. Watch the show. Hmm. Slopes in like that.
He's got real nice cheeks. I'm going to need a lot more forehead there. Good droopy ears.
Like... Let's map some more like these.
Like I remember thinking about how to say this in the back of the room. About a time when I was sure about this. What would you do when I was in the city?
Like every month someone got the wrong kind of bear belt.
Most of the time. Oh, that's salt and pepper. It's magnificent. Hmm. You guys... Super fat Batman. That's really more in my wheelhouse. It's a bit... It's possible.
Why?
To Morgan Freeman himself. Get him in on this.
That's a thing I can catch on. No, I don't think so at all. I think it's so commonplace. So I think in this timeline... Because it's such a common sense thing.
What are you doing? It's a funny thing. Are you recording?
Yeah. Say hi. I think it's just the screen right now. Actually, we can... You want to switch it for a second? No, there it is. Hi. He's in here now.
I can see myself behind that. Oh, it's recursive. Now they can see all of us. I'm going to refresh this.
There's Owen over there. I don't think Owen's saying anything. Owen and I had a conversation we thought you'd like yesterday.
What was that? We'll take a streaming picture. We had to title a script. Wait, you got the audio? Yeah, I think people can hear. We were...
Tiling this script that I had. It was part one. We basically made the world's longest title for a fantasy book. So it was like Troopers. Escape, part two. The Cryoman Saga, cycle one.
Part two, the Necromancer's Tale. The 15th wheel in the Cyberman Saga.
I'm going to draw your side request. Is that word proven? Yeah, totally. I know those spots everywhere. This is my brainchild. Oh, thank you.
Yeah, don't talk.
Okay, this is coffee. Someone requested coffee. This is the coffee, guys.
There you go. Great. Oh, it's good. Not too good. I'm going to go. Can I speak that word? Okay. Yeah. All right.
Perfect.
Yasuo Mancers Tale, phase one.
A new beginning. A new beginning ends. The ending of a new DAW-DUBS.
This is Caldwell's mom.
What's up? We had to write a true project today.
It's a two-part escape thing. We're doing a two-part escape thing. Pat left.
So we need something to put. What should Morgan Freeman be doing? I need a suggestion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mushroom smoking on a pogo stick. Oh, yeah. Fish on a stick. No.
Come on.
Yeah. Yes. Google have her person. Oh, word. That doesn't mean people have her person. Yes.
Okay. I'm not worried about it. Okay. Okay, that's funny. Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't take care of it.
I don't know. I guess they didn't announce it.
I do okay. Was there another reason that I got it? Oh, I think. My name is Errol.
My favorite ingredient for you?
It has. More than every other video.
Okay, these are the titty sprinkles that someone keeps requesting. Titty sprinkles.
I want to see that. Oh, there they are. Mm-hmm.
I'm giving them a trident. I feel like that's fitting. Thank you, thank you. I've got to still draw the fish on there.
They didn't expect this. They did not?
I'll stick it on like this. There we go.
Is it too late? It's never too late.
It's going to make someone a centaur. I think we should start showing.
Mm-hmm. Doot-doot-doot.
I don't know about centaurs. I don't know if they're going to reverse it.
Surprisingly easy. Don't ask me. Okay, I want you to post the final drawing. I can do that.
Just saying you would be sad. Oh, what a... It's like...
I can't look at Morgan Freeman anymore because now I'll just be like only thinking about what he could be, what could have been. It's like, goddamn, what a beautiful centaur. He really missed his column. I'm not just being born a centaur, I guess. Someone that he looks beautiful.
I agree. If you don't agree, you're a goddamn liar.
I like that he's also... He's Poseidon's favorite son. Yes, I said the centaur.
Thank you. You're welcome. You earned it.
Okay, well, what do we draw next? Are you typing that in there? Are you just going to... Well, I mean, that's kind of implied in this drawing already. I don't see us having fun anymore, though. You're not saying...
Wait, wait, wait. Chris will walk in.
Hmm. Let's get away from celebrities for now. Yeah. Okay. Doug Norris, sitting on that... I don't know why... It's not 2007. Let's get over it. All right.
Draw everyone to the what?
I don't know. I've never had to pronounce it before. Surprisingly. I don't see who will go on it. Oh, uh...
The famous leaf fabricates. Like he makes that one. The famous leaf fabricates.
Google search.
Who's going to draw this cat? Eden Spaghetti. Who gave this cat spaghetti?
That's not healthy. I don't...
Yeah, I was like, what are you... What are you doing?
I'm suspected.
It's like... Yeah, you can't help it. He's so awkward. Sorry. You're fine.
I got spaghetti as the go-to food for animals to not be eating when they shouldn't be eating food. It's just very clearly a human food. There you go. Dang, but if that cat isn't eating spaghetti.
What's next?
Uh, Hitler with a log. You guys are mean.
I like... That's like, not even in categories. I like Stormtrooper on it twice.
I want to go home.
Nobody ever asks what I want to draw. You know, if I could... I would just keep drawing... Uh-oh. I keep clicking people's pages. If I could draw anything, I'd probably just keep drawing... I'd probably just, you know, keep drawing Morgan Freeman.
Okay.
Let's draw... I gotta look at a Stormtrooper real quick, and I'll draw a Stormtrooper on a toilet, because I think that's funny.
He's missing the toilet.
That's the joke. That's the goof of this.
You guys are so random. Were you guys coming up with this stuff? I'm drawing a Stormtrooper up on the toilet. After I just criticized everyone for being random. I love that the Stormtrooper helmets are so fun, because you can simplify it.
It's just like, it's just that down... They're like goombas. He's got this, like, sad expression. A little weird band here. And then, I guess, kind of like... I think this is more like...
These fun little jowls. And you get more goatee. This is a drawing lesson, too.
Got these, like... It's kind of like Vince here. I think that's actually more of a... There we go. They're like a weird headband. That kind of goes over like that.
I don't think I've ever actually drawn a Stormtrooper before. Surprisingly.
This is the Harlem Shake request. Yeah? I just drew a milkshake that says Harlem. Oh.
That's good. I like this backup support I'm getting. Did not expect it, and it's very nice.
You can just Google search that. Because it exists. Okay. Now, what does there... Is there a chess piece here? It's a good little head.
It's a million dollars. I feel like salads would be so high on us. I could buy the combination.
There's so much of all of them. Somewhere in there. You guys can see all of this. Here. It makes me a little different from what you can see.
We're eating this next week. I'm going to do a grant.
I don't know.
More. Good. Two, three. All three.
You do. Back to fire. I mean that all sells in this place.
I don't think you should get fired. What makes you get fired? I mean, you can work specifically.
This is supposed to be George Washington, which Brandon requested it. Boom. Who requested the Stormtrooper?
So I want to hear them say thank you. You don't have to say thank you, I'm joking.
Wow, wow, wow, wow. I mean, you already get the Stormtrooper. So there's already a lot of what's going on.
We just, an LOL. So I do it. When I was dead, I'm lame. Oh, no. Sorry. Cool. I guess, I guess I'll cool myself. Yeah, right. Also, a caption just sort of like, it's in the side. That's what cowards do. Honestly, we're making humor.
It's just a bunch of shit. I guess, but there's nothing going on there.
Can you just accept what that is? Oh, don't worry. I've got an idea. What is that? No, what is that? I don't know.
Wasn't it really like, what was the decision? No, it wasn't. Was that what you were saying?
What should we do?
This makes me feel better. Great.
We just showed them a cookie. That's what they are, right? Everyone gets a cookie.
Okay, so there's a stormtrooper. Boom. What did I do? Yeah. Sure. Can you do that? Hold on one second. There we go.
Did you get a screenshot of the other one? Oh, man, I should look at comments.
Giraffe surfing. Austin Powers.
Oh, come on. Okay, cool. What were the suggestions?
What about a giraffe and a dolphin? A giraffe.
What's that? Let me show you. Try myself. Okay, I can do that.
I feel like all the commenters are like, they're trying to warn me that they're trapped in 2005. But they're not allowed to say that. They're just giving me subtle hints.
I think that a giraffe dolphin is just a stalactous monster.
The more you know. Hooray. What's next?
Bigfoot. They're real hot on that Bigfoot, yeah?
Uh-oh, a giraffe.
Well, you can just yell them out before you come. I'll try the Bigfoot.
Great. Fine. Um, okay. Can you try it on the cover? Yes. One second.
This is a Bigfoot.
That's like, this is the popular depiction, correct? That's what most people, from folklore and such.
You don't need any references to where they're going.
And I'm asking you to do it too. I'm saying, yes. I'm saying right now.
It's in the D. Right now we have a joke about the industrial era. We want it to be less people specific. Yeah, like the shooting machine or the fires happen a lot.
We don't have any. Which happened by the way. We don't have, like, we know what kind of tricks or what is the best deal of that.
I'm drawing this, um, this Bigfoot is not impressed with my joke. He's not impressed with what he did.
The only solution to this is getting paper cuts, and then, like, we can make a consecutive statement. Yeah, find a place for that. That's a good idea. I don't know if it's right after we just talked about it. You know, we just showcased that. What if we just changed the fires, like, um... So, like, the paper cuts...
Mm-hmm. Yes. I also drew a sigh. I'll move him. Did you roll a thing anymore? You can power it down to one. Can you draw me? Yes.
I'm gonna draw you. I'm gonna draw me.
Okay, this is perfect. All right, now, can you see? We should, like, next time we should set up a laptop, like, right here. Well, I'll go back in that spot if you want to draw me from there. Oh, that might actually be easier. But, yeah, we should set up a laptop so that, like, we can also have, like, other people can come over here and hang out.
And so we're not saying... Okay. Yeah, okay. Okay. Um...
I'm drawing Abby right now. I don't see why you're driven to add things that just...
Yes, it does. That is...
We have a run-on sentence. We have a run-on sentence already started making a run-on sentence, which are using... They are a run-on. So I'm just saying, by the way, we're not just making a run-on sentence. We're making a run-on with... We've already created there a run-on sentence.
And why are we adding? And add a nose? Like, that's a good start.
But why? Why? Because then we can't respond.
Yes, it's funny that... I think it's funny that it works. I mean, it's just... Yes, I'm saying... So when you draw...
Characters, people, the most important thing is to figure out... Is to figure out what the most defining feature is. And I've isolated that with Abby, and now I'm going to add it. I wish people could see...
Oh, he's drawing this hair. You could replace it with F4 or F4. We already have... That's a bit... Gotta get this hair under control. Oh no. What have I done? It's like a... It's a willy-willy.
Okay. Here we go. What were the first positions that people got? I don't know. Okay. So...
Black man.
Small brain. It's just such a specific idea.
Wow. That's great. So... That looks like the yogurt eating itself just... Nice. Yeah. Dave, thank you for scanning the comments. That's a good one.
Oh, can you embed it? No, I just linked to it.
Oh, cool. Abby, what do you think? Right.
We could also... It'd be fun to... If people want to like tweet, or however... The preferred method of social media, like give us a picture of themselves, we could try doing portraits. I don't know if that's okay, if we're allowed to do that. Of course, and we would of course use the images of you for, you know...
We blackmailed them.
Cool. All right. You're welcome. You got it. There he is.
I'm going to fix it real quick. Are you tweeting these out? Yeah, just taking screenshots.
Oh, fun. Do it. Do a bit on that a little bit. Yeah.
Sorry. I got stuck correcting it.
Is that good? Bigger? Yeah, bigger. Oh, yeah.
I keep forgetting that it's not as big on everyone else's screen as it is on mine.
All right. Cool. I'm going to take... What time is it? So you guys want to... You got the whole page done? Not quite. Let's do this yogurt thing. I like that. This is the one rule. This yogurt broke it. All right.
Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to talk to him.
Yeah. I'd say the Martins. Evil person somewhere. Moment and Martins. Yes.
Everyone likes it. No one will say anything mean.
Okay, okay. Slowing down. A little. That's fine.
That's all the people that wanted me to draw Stewie as they know Fiddler.
They've left. I'm going to go with another drug, guys.
This guy doesn't draw any of the Hitler's I want. That's right. I know that people say you've got to draw Hitler. You've got to draw Hitler to get big in this industry, but I don't believe that.
Okay, yeah. Okay, who's got some of the yogurt? All right, cool.
What's next? Let's do like one or two more. I'm going to refresh some comments here.
What about a zombie? A zombie?
Skinny Hulk Hogan?
You guys are right. You should just keep commenting over and over again. Oh, yeah. That is wrong. Let's see.
Apple choking on a banana. I kind of like that. Thank you. Finally, someone's making sense. I'm drawing an apple eating a banana.
Sometimes, you know, like, you can't overlook the simple solutions. I know I don't. Okay, there's going to be one more suggestion after this one, so make it count. Unless you guys think we should go with sensible solution to energy crisis. I don't see how. It's because I haven't drawn the rest of it. Oh, apparently someone says it's going to look inappropriate. I don't... impossible.
Banana is a wife and family. Back story.
89 vanilla, how do I... Oh, do we... okay. It's just pandas?
Thank you. That makes me happy.
Draw a panda. What is our profile picture? Is it pandas?
Like, so far it's...
What did you do, banana? What deeds have brought you to this dark fate?
Alright, just what everyone was expecting.
Okay, so one more. What are we going to do? Last one. I have not done the zombie yet.
That's a video game. That's fun. I like that.
Okay, taking last requests. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Octo Walrus? I kind of like Octo Walrus.
How do you guys feel about that? There we go. Put that there.
Let's draw this Octo Walrus. 70 tons. Let's draw a mic. I don't want to distract from the Octo Walrus.
You could probably just... you know what? Just Google zombie and whatever you want.
Somebody has already drawn it. History.
You know, just a nice little walrus. Walrus is kind of a grumpy face, don't they? Walrus is up here. They have smaller eyes. Walrus.
Oh yeah, they got real... okay. The problem was, they're much more disgusting than the way I drew them. And it's kind of important to me.
I think that's what Walrus was like. Walrus was like, he was like, how is the rest of the system?
No. I think you're better.
Google's setting. Yeah. Yeah, Google's really...
So it's kind of a way to actually... At some point, it's kind of a way to do things. Here we go!
Oh man, this thing is terrifying. No, but they're so trapped.
365 days.
Yeah, that's what we like now. We're going to like shoot at you around the box. I know what you're talking about. So guys, this is the last drawing. So, just save all your suggestions for the next time.
Or you can just keep shouting them out. It might be fun. Yeah, they're not going to stop shouting them out. That might be fun for everyone.
Alright. This thing is great. Alright, that's good. Thank you to whoever suggested this, because I'm enjoying drawing it. I'm glad that it's real.
I wish that I could have figured out a way to work some more tusks into it. Wait, what about an idea? But you know, they had a dream.
We guys have had a good time. We've enjoyed drawing. Maybe next time we'll... ...forgot a way to get some more people on.
Can you please put on this afro, Ben Ross, to be Bob Ross? Yeah, you brought an actual afro?
Yeah, we'll do like... As you're folding. Uh-huh. Or actually just take a picture of it while you're working on this. You're welcome.
One, two, three.
Wonderful. Are you still drawing? I am. Two? It's on YouTube. Do I?
Alright. Sorry, I don't want to be laughing. Oh, that's okay.
If people are talking or something like that. They're just... It's kind of like a podcast because I'm drawing. So they just have to guess who I'm talking to.
It's wonderfully anonymous. This could be... This just could be a drawing program. I'm not even in the same room.
That is amazing. It's majestic. It is majestic. If I had one word to describe it, it would be majestic.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
That's all I gets. Alright. There's our man. Cool. Alright, that's... I think that's all we got.
I don't know how to shut this down. I guess I'll switch back to... Start crying.
Yeah, I can send you these too. Yeah. Okay. I can make a comment myself. Thanks for watching. Draw a joint smoking a joint. Next time. Definitely. Alright. I'm going to switch this back to... There we go. Cool. Thanks for watching, guys.
Go home. Have a fun weekend. I'm going to turn this off.
It's pretty, you know, just a nice little walrus. Walruses. They play kind of a grumpy face.
Don't they? Yeah. No, but I already started.
Walruses have smaller eyes. Walruses.
Oh, yeah. They got real... Okay. The problem was they're much more disgusting than the way I drew them. Yeah. So it's kind of... Oh, man. This thing is terrifying. Yeah. No, but they're so trapped. 365 days. Yeah.
That's what we like to know. You're going to only shoot at me around the box. I know what you're talking about. The fact of the day. Because this is the last drawing.
So just save all your suggestions for the next time. Or you can just keep shouting them out.
It might be fun. That might be fun for everyone.
This thing is great. Thank you to whoever suggested this, because I'm enjoying drawing it. I'm glad that it's real.
I wish that I could have figured out a way to work some more tusks into it. But, you know, they had a dream. You guys have had a good time. We've enjoyed drawing. Maybe next time we'll... ...forgot a way to get some more people on.
Yeah. You brought an actual afro? Yeah. We'll do like... As you're filming. Uh-huh. Or actually just take a picture of it while you're working on this.
You're welcome. Okay. One, two, three. Wonderful. Are you still drawing? I am. Two? It's on YouTube. Do I? Alright.
Sorry, I don't want to be... Oh, that's okay. People are talking or something like that. It's... They're just... It's kind of like a podcast, because I'm drawing. So they just have to guess who I'm talking to. Oh, sorry.
It's wonderfully anonymous. This could be... This just could be a drawing program. And I'm not even in the same room.
That is amazing. It's majestic. It is majestic. If I had to have one word to describe it, it wouldn't be majestic.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
That's all I gets. Alright. There's our man. Cool. Alright, that's... I think that's all we got. Great job.
I don't know how to shut this down. I guess I'll switch back to... Start crying.
Yeah, I can send you these, too. Okay. I can make a comment myself. Thanks for watching. Draw a joint, smoking a joint. Next time. Definitely. Alright. I'm going to switch this back to... There we go. Cool. Thanks for watching, guys.
Go home. Have a fun weekend. Alright, turn this off. |
SaturdayNightLive | lisa_from_temecula_snl | A toast to our birthday girl, Shayna. to Shayna! And, uh, let's not forget, uh, her baby sister, Lisa, who flew all the way from Temecula to celebrate with us. Lisa, we've heard so much about you. it's so nice to finally meet you.
Mm-hmm. that's cute. but don't think I'm giving up the butt tonight. I'm sorry, what? she is just kidding. don't mind her. sorry for the way your steak should be cooked to your liking. Now, third time's a charm. extra, extra. well done. Thank you. Lisa, do you always order steaks like that? I didn't know you could get them extra, extra well. Mm-hmm. cook my meat. I don't want to see not one speck of red. I can't be getting sick tonight.
I got to be in court in the morning. you're a lawyer? Oh, yeah. she is actually the lead litigator on a class-action shoot against Walmart.
Yeah, couple of their coin-stop machines exploded. I ain't got to tell you what happened next.
Wow, that's really amazing of you. I really admire that.
Tis, what is going on with your little friend? he is really doing the most, trying to get some butt tonight. excuse me? Oh, my god. nothing, Paul. girl, could you not start with that? well, you know what? I'm going to just sit here and eat my steak in peace. Well, anyway, um. I, uh, oh, I-i didn't tell you guys, uh, but a few nights back, this, uh, this dog, this dog followed me home. watch a tater's thing up. Oh, my god. when I opened, uh, when I opened the door, he just. I just. he just sprints it inside, So now I'm running. that man ain't gave me no ketchup. I'm running around my house trying to catch him. sis, you got ketchup over there? girl, just eat. can you just eat without ketchup? you think it's going to be nasty without ketchup? So, uh, anyway, I-i. I-i guess I had two poles in my base. that's so crazy. what are your odds? shh. mm. Sis, I'm out of here. I got to cut you a piece of this steak. this steak is bussing. please.
Oh, my God. can you just chill? he's trying to tell a story to you. I heard him. I heard him. he said he got chased by a dog.
Okay. uh-huh. okay. Lisa. okay. all right.
What?
The man. Antonio Banderas over here. trying to get some butt while he got Cujo living in his basement. hey, everyone. just want to check in on you. is everything going all right? We've been getting some complaints. Oh, because we black. we over here minding our business. I'm just making sure everything's okay. actually, everything's not okay. there is wine all in there, food, and it's all over the floor now. y'all need to do better.
Lisa. yes, it's over. I understand you don't want to be sick tomorrow, but you have been sawing that steak. this is a mess because of you. Okay. now, hold up now. I'm not going to let y'all corner my baby sister, Lisa, who they came all the way from to make them all. my birthday.
I know that's right. Now, does my sister have terrible listening comprehension skills? A thousand percent. I know, that's right.
But she's the only sister I've got. Bitch, we the youngest of six girls.
Okay. okay, but at the end of the day, no matter what, up the floor. and there might not be a damn red speck on that damn plate. Cook My meat. Okay. you know what? you know what? y'all just haven't had it, right? I'm going to cut y'all a piece. how about a piece of. |
cracked | a_ramadan_tribute_by_people_who_don_t_understand_ramadan | As the snow falls down on Ramadan Eve Everybody gather out in harmony and peace With gifts and love We light up the trees Everybody tap your feet Everybody sing on Ramadan Eve Well, actually, I think you're a little misinformed Because Ramadan is... Ramadan, Ramadan Giving gifts and getting drunk Playing the snow on Ramadan See, there isn't snow Ramadan's in August, it's not the winter So you're not really... Do you think we're dumb? We f***ing know we're wrong But we didn't want to wait a month To release our Ramadan song Well, at least correct yourself Don't just keep singing as though it's Christmas Fine Ramadan, Ramadan In lunch out in the sun Having sex with condoms on Okay, they don't eat during the day They don't have sex during the day They fast pray all day And then they have a meal And else, there's no Ramadan Eve It's a month long So maybe we should... Ramadan, Ramadan In... Wait, what did they eat? They eat a lot of dates Gross For now, thanks, when the day is done It's pretty summer and not much fun Well, don't say that It's not awful I mean, do you know literally anything else About Ramadan?
Something, something, someone Happy... Holidays Good |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_milly_pounds_and_shirty_on_the_british_monarchy_snl | The United Kingdom will be crowning its new King and Queen soon, launching a new era of the British Monarchy. Here to comment: our British rappers, Millie Pounds and Shirty. So guys, what's going on with the Royal Family? I mean, can you give us an update? right? right.
Okay. listen, Mate. Okay, all the focus is on the Royals right when it should be on England's exploitative tabloid press, right? it's pants made pants. Rubbish Mate Pants. sorry pants me. it's pants. Okay, it's pants.
The mean to our boy area. All right, we know what really goes down. we've known Harry since our days at eating. You guys want to eat? yeah. Eating your mom's bum? Never. seriously.
Look. Look, if you want us to sum up our thoughts, take out the pods and hear me. All right, cuz we have a way of talking back In the end. Hi, shirty, Millie pounds. Yeah, Prince Eric, Prince Eric Side of a pile of Perry's press. Cold like Brandon Jerry's I'm allergic to dairy. Ronald Reagan. Hey, why'd you stop it? Man, bro, we shared so many facts, but you really didn't Okay, listen, it's not all chicken shops and tikka masala. let's go, right? But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what's happening where we come from, right? re-shoot soon. That Prime Minister, you know that he got styles like Eric. I'm allergic to dairy. I make more. I chat online with your girl like computers.
I grew up in New York in the 90s. Okay, so I consider myself a pretty friggin' fresh guy when it comes to hip-hop, but I've never heard that before. Okay, you see back home. we don't really have guns.
Do it? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us. and those kind of sound like Yann Wooters, Oh, oh, it's like a semi obscure Dutch footballer from the 80s. You guys like soccer, so can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about Fifa? how did the Brits feel about Fifa? I'll check it. see. fuck her up. your girl told me what's up. I told her I'm trying to see that but I'm allergic to do nilly and me on the best. What's good. |
cracked | we_remade_fast_furious_9_for_20 | The world has a way of changing, and we change too. There are moments that separate us, but we always come together. I used to live my life a 24 pack at a time, but things change.
I'm a father now. Hey, you little shit. I got something for you.
It's for protection from what's coming. No matter how fast you are, no one outruns the past. And mine just caught up to me.
You ever thought about the wild missions we've been on? We're taking out planes, tanks, battleships. Now we got to take on flying cars.
Really? Took tape? Yeah, you like when we went home depot?
No, we going alone. So we're going outside.
I prefer his driver. A s'more, yeah. Scout S. And the best dance Super Smash we're playing in the western hemisphere. Who the fuck is this guy? He's Dom's brother, and his name is... JOHNNY C. Your whole life, you've always wanted to be dominated by Dom. But could you kill him? What are you doing, step bro? Because I'm ready if you are, girl. It's been a long time, Dom. Literally. Oh, shit. Man, we're messing with Magnus now. Crank it all the way up. Hey guys, guess who I found? Let's give him more fun. Did somebody say Sean? No.
Wait, I've learned how to Tokyo-drip real good. Come on, let me show you. Roll test and HUI.
One more.
I'm an inescapable card flow. Maybe this is the end. We're gonna go out together. Do you have any idea who you're talking to? Not really, no. They got a magnet plane. Tell me you're not thinking what I think you're thinking. There's no bridge. Hold on.
It's been a while. For more than a hundred thousand years, there's one place where we came together to be entertained. To escape. To feel something new. To find your shit inside of a hot dog bun and ask your girlfriend if she wants a bite.
The Bofies. Nothing quite like that moment. Lights go out. Your dad comes out with a glass of whiskey trying to teach you with us. The Bofies. |
dropout | hardly_working_grampire | This is where you work every day. Oh, who's this?
I was wondering do you have any war stories? Oh plenty. There I was the Battle of Bighorn face to face with crazy horse himself 1877 134 years ago. I was 21.
So how old are you? 135. And in vampire years or regular years? Oh not regular cuz that math is wrong. How long is a vampire year? Well, I'm over a thousand years old.
Well, I figured I would just wheel you to lunch. Hey, who's hungry? It's grandpa Don't touch me I'm working grandpa Grandpa don't come in here. You're gonna regret it. Maybe it won't hurt this time. It always hurts grandpa and you always say that That deadline is today you understand me you finish that script or you're finished sir David come here You don't let that boy give you any trouble. He's just being a grumpy Greg. Yeah, you're right I'll be right back Hey, has anyone seen my grandpa? He's my grandpa and he's a vampire. He's got the fangs and he's a grandpa Hello anyone? Hello grandpa God dammit, David. I'm trying to take a fucking nap in here you stupid son of a bitch What are you saying David? Grandpa It is always a pleasure to see you a kiss for you a kiss for me and a kiss for |
dropout | Dropout_s_5th_Anniversary_and_What_s_Coming_Next | Hey, guys, Sam here. Hey, gang, Sam here.
Can you believe that video released five years ago today? I, uh, kept the Chomsky's. Don't eat those, Sam. These are five years old. Give me that. Gross. That makes today Dropout's five-year anniversary.
It feels like a miracle we made it this far because, frankly, we almost didn't. Before Dropout was even two years old, our parent company dropped us, leaving us to pick up the pieces. Luckily, it was January 2020, an innocent time, when nothing could go wrong. Not so fast, if I... Okay, okay, if this is about to be a COVID joke, FYI, things were bad before then. We had a terrible president, and we all got fired. Break is right. It was a pretty shitty time anyway, and then a pandemic happened. Talk about going viral.
Absolutely not, please. I won't lie to you, I was scared, scared that the company I spent my whole adult life trying to build was gonna fall apart, scared that I'd no longer be able to work with my amazing comedy peers, and scared I would let down the fans. Hey, you suck! Bring back PrankWar! Maybe not that fan. I hate change! But against all odds, Dropout survived. No one believed in us, not our corporate parents, not the industry at large, heck, not even some of us. I thought you'd be bankrupt in a week.
But someone did, you, the fans. You shared the videos, spread the word, made some really compelling fancams, and you saved us. Thanks to you, we've grown into the best version of the company to date, without any corporations, networks, or advertisers to muck it up. And we're working hard to make that version of the company cool as hell, not to mention patient, ethical, and responsible. Sam, can we talk about the new merch? I don't know that we're 100% appreciating the irony of this, not to mention better than certain other multi-billion dollar streamers.
I'm being paid $500 just to say this line. Thank you, Iffy. Iffy's going home because we wanna be respectful of his time. Can I go home?
Look, Brennan, free snacks. You think I can be bought with a bag of chips? I'm leaving as soon as I finish these.
It's been a long road. It's taken a lot of luck, good timing, and viral TikTok game changer clips.
But the one thing it's taken above all else, the thing this business too often takes for granted, is people. People like Dropout's staff, working tirelessly on our operations. People like our crew, putting so much hard work and effort into every one of our shows. People like you, the fans, sharing our stuff and supporting us every step of the way. And people like Lily Du.
Do I take 50% of the credit and my outfits take the other 50%? I can leave now, right? I wanna be respectful of your time.
Good. What? Come on!
I got so many chips left. Art isn't made by AI for algorithms. It's made for people by people. Five years. We weren't sure we'd make it to two, but now thanks to all of these good people, we can imagine being around for a long time, making more of the shows you love and even more shows we think you'll love.
What shows you ask? Oh, I don't know. Maybe shows like this?
So to commemorate what is a huge milestone in the life of College Humor, the website and YouTube channel that started it all. One of the most storied and impactful and important comedy brands in history. We're going to kill it.
That's my computer. Can I just get like a... Nevermind.
College Humor was a brand founded nearly 25 years ago by Ricky Van Veen and Josh Abramson, largely because the .com was available. But after dropping out of College Humor, dropping out of advertising, dropping out of corporate America, the name Dropout somehow feels more appropriate.
Ricky and Josh, myself and so many others owe our careers to you. Thank you for paving the way to who we are today. You're very welcome, Sam.
It's like I always say, if you're gonna use two brand names, just use one. Rest in peace, College Humor. We're Dropout now. Your dad's gonna keep calling it College Humor no matter what, we can't fix that, it's fine. I actually killed this whole bag today, for real. That's true. Hey, if you're gonna use two brand names, just use one. Rest in peace, College Humor. We're Dropout now. Your dad's gonna keep calling it College Humor no matter what, we can't fix that, it's fine. I actually killed this whole bag today, for real. That's true. You |
dropout | the_problem_with_lab_mice_adam_ruins_everything | Adam, I've seen your show.
It's about proving things wrong, but you can't do that to science. Science is how we find out the truth about the world. Yes, it is. But the way we do science is often flawed. Well, not here it isn't.
Carl and I are working on a very exciting, very solid study about how vitamin D affects human memory retention. Yes, you are a good little test subject. Actually, if you're trying to learn about humans, he's a terrible little test subject.
Sorry. What?
Everyone knows testing on rodents is practically the same as doing actual human trials. Yes, everyone knows that. Too bad they're wrong.
Cool. I've always wanted to be a BA LBCJ laboratory mouse.
But what are we doing here? The same thing we do every night, Winnie.
Ruining a common misconception. Rodents make up 95% of all animals used for biomedical research in America. That's 20 to 30 million mice a year. Whoa. They must be such effective test subjects. Actually, they're not. Out of all clinical trials based on mouse models, the results don't apply to humans over 80% of the time.
Well, time to file these. And those failed trials can cost hundreds of millions of dollars apiece. And this drives up the cost of development, meaning we get fewer new drugs. Yeah, we're out of funding. Well, then tell the cancer patients they'll have to wait, Pete.
But how can that be? I read Meister 97% of DNA with humans. True.
But that 3% makes a big difference. Mouse metabolisms are seven times faster. We have different inflammation reactions. And, you know, people are over 3,000 times bigger. And our bodies can have very different reactions to medicine.
In one extreme example from 2006, a new cancer drug was tested in mice and passed with flying colors. But when human subjects were injected with just one five hundredth of the mouse dosage, within hours, all of the volunteers went into catastrophic multi-organ failure and had to be rushed to the ICU.
Oh. The truth is, testing on mice just doesn't tell us as much about humans as we think it does. Geez Louise.
So why do we even use mice in the first place? Because they're cheap and convenient. Compared to other animal test subjects, mice are a bargain. And they're great in a lab setting because they're easy to tame in store and they breed like crazy.
Congratulations. It's a hundred.
Rodents are also super easy to genetically customize. Want a mouse with no immune system? Or how about one that glows in the dark? Extra tumors strike your fancy? You can have whatever model of mouse you want.
Finally, the Animal Welfare Act, the only federal law that covers testing on animals, doesn't protect mice at all. Oh yeah. We can never get away with this on rabbits. So even though we know testing on mice is a problem, we keep doing it anyways because it's easier?
And at this point, it's almost impossible not to. Winnie, this is...
Dr. Azaraza, director of the Myelodysplastic Syndrome Center at Columbia.
I traded six Albert Einstein's for her. Thanks, Winnie. And thanks for keeping me in mint condition.
Medical science is almost entirely built around mouse testing. Researchers have been using mice since the 1800s, and students are taught on them from day one of school. And most other testing methods are prohibitively expensive. You quite literally cannot do a study without mice. At the moment in the United States, the FDA will almost never approve a trial in humans unless researchers have done it in rodents first. The real problem is, cancer research has become so mouse-centric, we cannot replace rodent testing without overhauling the whole system. Which is a shame. Because if we want to cure cancer in humans, we should be studying human cancer cells. We are wasting valuable resources and time on mice.
Hey, come on. This is a family show.
Thanks, Dr. Azaraza. You're welcome. And here's another tip. If you put me in your bike spoke, it will sound like a motorcycle. |
dropout | Troopers_Full_Web_Series | How long has that, um, has that light been on?
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, thank goodness! Oh, you're still here! Yeah, you have me trapped behind this force field, duh. Yes! That's right!
The force field is still up. Nothing's gone wrong, so stay right there. Wait, is the force field down?
What?! No! That is crazy! Definitely not!
Because the force field makes a noise when it's on. No, it was more of a hum. See? It's perfectly normal. Did the force field just stop for a breath?
No! No, no, no, no!
Your hand will melt! Melt?
The old force field never did that. It's a new setting.
Vaporize. Destructinate. What the hell is destructinate?
Why don't you touch it and find out? Okay. No, no, no, no! Don't touch the force field!
That was reverse psychology! What's reverse psychology?
Touching it or not touching it? Not touching it. Sorry. That's not sorry.
We need a system here. Are our force fields down? No, Mr. Kankerschmidt, your force field's fine. Just like this one! Which isn't making any noise! So, just hold tight and the force field repairman will be here. Why? To congratulate us on keeping the force field running.
Yay! Okay, I believe you. I won't touch the force field. You promise? Okay. Oh, wait, f**k. I'm helping! Yeah, mom, I'll be home in time for the annual reed feast. I've already booked my shuttle back to Deloran. I love you, too.
Say hi to Laura for me. Hello?
Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're from Deloran?
Uh, yeah. Yes. Oh, my God.
I work with someone from the swamp planet? Why does everyone call it? It's a planet with one or two famous swamps. What was it like growing up in a mud hut? We have other ecosystems! You know, mountains, fields, outlet malls. How'd you get to school? Bark canoes? Bank of a swamp snail?
No, like everyone else in hover cars. Is it true you guys all have egg sacks?
Take off your pants. I'm not taking off my pants!
Aha! We got a swamp monster here! Hey, hey, you come from Triodia.
It has a desert. Is it a desert planet?
Huh? You almost got me with your bog logic.
Tell your frog emperor you failed. He's not a frog emperor. He was democratically elected.
Bank of the station 38 still need those transfer reports. Careful friend, lest you face the wrath of the swamp beast. Hey, we'll get right on that. Yeah, whatever. Homeboy's a swampy.
We'll calm down. Okay, calm down.
I know these normal clothes must feel restrictive to you swamp dwellers. You, you hate normal clothes. They're just so itchy.
I'm gonna take off my pants. Nobody is taking off their pants.
You're not making any sense. I'm sorry, Rich. Let me just say it in your native tongue. That's not what I said.
I don't sound like nobody. Nobody on my pants.
Shut up!
Fifty years ago, Dread Trooper scouts landed in a swamp on our planet and for some reason didn't bother exploring anywhere else. If they had gone one mile to the left, they would have found some beautiful beachfront condos. But they didn't. And now we're the swamp planet.
How do you think that makes me feel? I, uh...
Don't say anything. Let's just eat our lunch in silence.
Is that moss? It's a delicacy!
So, are you guys gonna check that coolant leak now or, uh, what's the plan? They're not maintenance, idiot! That was a lie, so you let them in. They're here for the princess! I know, okay? Then why would you...
I have trouble admitting my mistakes. It's not my fault.
Station 38, come in Station 38. Is everything okay? This is, uh... This is Station 38 reporting. We're fine. And thank you for the check-in. Roger that, Larry. Coming in loud and clear.
What? I sound nothing like that! Maybe a little bit when you get frustrated.
I do not...
The cells are locked down. We're gonna need a command key. Never! You're left to torture us! Someone else, because we don't have command keys. Oh, command keys! Yeah, we don't have those. If you want a key to the break room, you'll have to torture us. Control, I'm so incompetent and confused in a sexual way that I lock myself out of the cells. Can I please have a command key?
Ooh, no can't do, Larry. You already used your three lockouts this month. Ha! I saved the day, kind of. Come on! There's just gotta be something I can do! You do need someone to power scrape all the shit out of the waste pipelines. Chili Friday did a number on the system with everyone. fucking no! I'll do it! Ha! Serves you right. Yeah, my stupid friend's gonna help me too. What?
Roger that. We'll send down the hazmat suits and spray gun. Don't bother. We'll do it in our denim cutoffs and we'll use my toothbrush. Oh, Roger that.
Transmitting command keys now. I was just gonna do it as George. Help! I am very secure in my sexuality and do not agree to clean up the chili poop. Also, there are some insurgents here. The comma doesn't transmit unless the button's pressed.
I knew that. I knew that! Also, I want a kiss or tennis around the mouth. Roger that, 38.
No, it's not true! It's not true.
And they're like, throw up the deflector shields! Throw up the deflector shields!
And I'm like, what? Yeah. Cause it's really loud when they're attacking us. Yeah, yeah, we're on a spaceship. You've been reading that thing for the last hour, Larry.
What is it? What? Uh, nothing. Let me see. Mind tricks? What is it? Who gave you this?
Alright, remember that galactic magi we released last week? The old guy who kept snacks in his beard? Yeah, yeah, look. It turns out he teaches this seminar. You went to a galactic magic seminar with a snack beard? Yeah, I did. Rich, look. I'm telling you, there's something to this. Lift my canteen right now.
With your mind, Larry. With your mind.
I don't learn levitation until I'm a Silver Guardian. Oh, Silver Guardian, yeah.
Uh-huh, yeah, sure. Hey, how much does that cost? This is an ancient religion. Sure. That has been passed down through the millennia. Sure. This is not about much. How much? 800 credits. Ah.
But it includes my very own laser sword. Okay, that's broken. Look, this guy's incredible. He has total control over the weak-minded. Yeah, I believe that.
I'm telling you, Rich, galactic magic totally works. Galactic magic totally works.
You will pat yourself on the head? I will pat myself on the head.
Oh, wow. This is huge. Oh. Oh, fuck.
I was messing with you, obviously! Delana! Rich, I'm sorry. Seriously? Larry, you're my best man! That was wrong, man. That was a dick move on my part.
Delana's a wonderful woman, and you guys are great together. And I think if I could just spend one night with her...
Stop it! ...for 45 minutes... No!
Yes. Dread Lord Sinister, here is your coffee, sir. What? I didn't order any coffee. Uh, yes, you did, sir.
Three days ago. Three days? Good Lord, man, what took you so long?
Well, sir, you only wanted coffee from the southwest quadrant. Ah, yes. Julio does make it just the way I like it.
The Dread Cruiser is 1,200 miles across. It's the size of a planet. Julio's is literally on the other end of the ship. It's... it's night there.
Oh, you know what would go great with this? Some of those little crumbly pastries Julio makes. Uh, so you want me to go back... Mm-hmm. ...to the southwest quadrant, which I just told you was a three-day journey... Mm-hmm. ...to bring you back a pastry, which will arrive in three days... Yeah. ...for you to eat with that coffee.
Would you be a dear, so I don't have to kill you? Yes, sir. You're Bearclaw, my lord. Bearclaw?
I can't eat that. I'm on a diet.
Since when? Two days ago. Where have you been? Lost!
In this giant space station. Did you know we have a floor full of nothing but horrible alien monsters? Yeah, monster floor.
And? Please, sir, I've traveled so far. Eat this pastry. I am begging you. Well, I won't tell if you don't. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Seriously, if you tell, I'll drop you into a quasar. Uh... Oh, you know what would go great with this? Oh, please, no. Coffee!
For your Bearclaw, my lord. Bearclaw? I didn't eat a Bearclaw three days ago.
Who told you I was you? Well, sir, here's your coffee anyway. Enjoy. Bye. I can't drink coffee by itself. Sir, I... I don't know what to do. Tell you what.
Go get me a coffee and a pastry from Julio. Bring them back here. We'll call it even. I haven't slept in three weeks, so I'm going to be very explicit here. I will get you these things.
It will take a considerable amount of time. Other meals will come and go. The coffee will be cold. The pastry may be stale.
Just promise me that this is what you want. I'm asking for it, aren't I?
Go! Ta-da! You're right. It does taste just like Julio's. Isn't it great?
I had it installed three days ago. And look! It even comes with a pastry oven! I need sleep!
What was that? I don't know. Where are you going? Dreadlord wants me to interrogate the princess for the location of the insurgent base. The princess? I'm going to be stuck in that tiny cell with her for like hours. You know, Rich, why don't you let me take this one? You've had a long day. What are you...
My shift started three minutes ago. Yeah, yeah, I know. Spaceship stuff. Cool, man. Well, well, well. Princess, we meet again. We've never met before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, we did. Remember the day you were arrested? The turbolift was taken forever.
I made a joke about it. I said it like your hair and your shoes. You were my dream that night. Now, as a soldier of the Interstellar Legion, I will stay in this room with you. As long as it takes for you to divulge...
It's on Arcturus. What was that? The base is on Arcturus. So... I'm not leaving... Arcturus, do you need a map?
I know, I know. Let me finish. Until I ask you the standard interrogation question things.
How are things? What kind of music are you into?
Your eyes are like sapphires. That's not even a question. Your eyes are like sapphires? That's creepy.
Uh, it was a rhetorical question. That's not how rhetorical questions work. Hey, I'm the one asking rhetorical questions here.
You're really not. Is there anything even written on there? Yes. Do you have any real questions? Um, the base on which the insurgents are located is, uh, is where? Okay, that was the first question. Just really awkward phrasing. Quit stalling. You have forced me to activate interrogation mode. This is my band. You shouldn't play this for people. Did you guys hear a noise? Nothing! Interrogation ongoing, looks promising, all is affirmative. You know what? I lied, okay? The base is on Allara. Can you please get him out of here now?
Whoa! Nice work, Larry! That's record time! That's what they say. I'm great.
What? Call me! I don't know, that kind of sucks. Who is it?
Tell the insurgents on Allara to surrender or the Dread Cruiser will destroy the entire planet. No. You don't believe we can do it? Perhaps a demonstration of our power is in order. Gunner, destroy the planet's moon.
Roger that. That's it. Well, that's it.
We just blew up your moon. Come on. Your planet could be next.
That's scary. It's not really scary if you can't see it. Ah, right. No windows. Okay, are we done here? Can't you imagine how terrifying it was? I mean, picture like a big, laser, green, death beam.
I think it's light blue, actually. I always thought it was more of a cerulean. Ooh, cerulean.
That sounds horrifying. Look, we're getting distracted. Rich, come here. Oh! I'm the Dread Cruiser and you're the moon. We just... You got me. What is that? You're...
No! You're a moon! Moons don't talk! Damn it, Larry!
Yeah? Get over here. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, okay. Okay, let me just warm up here. Get loose. Key! Okay, and go. Ah, now your magma core is detonating. Yes, very good.
Our coastal farmlands are flooding. Oh, princess, why? Why have you forsaken your friend, the farmer? Yeah, I don't know any farmers.
Yes, but you're their princess. I mean, you must care about them. Yeah, officially, I guess, but not really.
Sir, we, um, missed the moon. You missed? You missed the moon? How could you miss the moon? That is like missing the broad side of 10 billion barns!
Come on, sinister. Lemon's out of lemonade. Very well, princess. You have 13 hours to surrender or Alara dies. Oh yeah, I lied. The base isn't on there. What? You were just going to let me blow up 4 billion Alarans?
That's cold. No, seriously, even I think that's cold, and I'm going to go kill that gunner now. Painfully. In front of his friends. I mean, damn, you're nasty.
Hey, shut up! Whoa! Come on, Larry! What? He's screaming! Oh, you are so ignorant.
He's just asking where we're going. You understood him? I took two credits of lizard in junior college, so yeah, I understood him. Oh, see, he's thirsty. And hungry. And he loves our spines. Huh.
He sounds like he's threatening us. No, no, no, no, he's not threatening us. He just said he respects us as warriors. I'm going to tell him he was a worthy adversary.
Oh, he misses his children. See, that's sad. Doesn't his species eat their young?
Larry, that is a horrible stereotype, okay? You've got to be ashamed of yourself. I know, I know. He's an idiot. Ah, yes, a bountiful harvest to you too as well, honorable sir. Larry, put your gun down. You're insulting him.
Rich, I just got it back. No, seriously, put your gun down. I just got it back.
Now we spin around him thrice, praising the lords of Salamandron. Yeah, are the lords praised yet?
Now we are brethren, so I think we can do away with these. Rich, are you sure that's a good idea? Don't worry, we're broomkin now.
Rich, no! No, no, no, no, it's okay. He's embracing me as Kim. No, I'm not. Oh, no!
Leaders of the Insurgency, I've been captured, but remain in good spirits. Also, I've obtained some crucial information.
It turns out the Dreadcruisers weaken us. Yeah, I'm totally going to slam my packs in the... Whoa, this isn't the gym.
What? Oh, hey princess, long time no see. Who were you just talking to?
Ah, I guess I better just do my workout here. Workout anywhere, really. He's about to get a little muscley and stuff.
Count for me? One. Girl, push up. Still counts!
Oh, I'm cramping, I'm cramping, I'm cramping. Okay, he's finally gone. The Dreadcruisers weakness. Sell, Inspector.
That's, uh... Wow, what is that? That's...
Yeah, look at that, that's good. That's looking good, too. That feels pretty good to me. And, uh... That feels pretty good to me. Get the fu- Now I'm in okay spirits.
The Dreadcruisers weakness. He, uh, want me to make you an omelet? No! The Dreadcruisers weakness. Are you sure? Yes! The Dreadcruisers weakness.
Omelet time! Did you ring that bell you ring when you want me to come talk to you?
That's not... No, I don't have that.
You do now. That was Soul Eclipse. Soul, spelled like your shoe. This next one's spelled the other way.
Hey, is your bell working? I wouldn't know. Can I have a bell? No, Mr. Kankerschmitt!
So, have you ever had the urge to date one of your guards? Yeah, I really want to date that cute one.
Hey, did I leave my helmet in here? What? No, you're wearing it. You're always wearing it. Hey, wha- Is that a- Is that a camera? What?
No. It's okay. I won't take this to Dreadlord.
For you. Actually, you probably should show this to your boss. Because he'd be so proud of you.
You think? Yeah. Uh, sir? I can explain. What? What happened?
I always fall asleep during movies.
Can you, uh, can you rewind this thing? Yeah, yeah, I don't, no, no, no. Insurgent Commander Quazon. Crude mashed potato mannequin. Guess which one has been in Quazon's cell for the past three months? Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Somebody fucked up. Now I have to kill...
Larry! So, which one of you is Larry? Uh... Larry's not here right now. Uh, yeah. And even if he was, he'd say that anybody could have been fooled by that mannequin. Not just me. You mean him? Who? Larry. Yes, can I help you? So what I'm hearing is I should kill you. No, no, no, no. Larry... I just remembered where Larry is. He's, uh, there.
What? No. Hi, I'm Chase. I work in sales. Oh, please, it is so easy to come up with a fake name. Oh, yeah? Then what's your name? Uh... Chase. Two Chases? Wow. Wacky. Guess that makes you Larry. Sure, that's him. What? No! Fine! I'm not wasting any more time on this.
All of you, take off your helmets. Yeah, I don't know any of you people. Helmets back on. You. You're an ugly one.
Oh, look at this. I have a package. For Larry. Huh? Smells like his favorite cookies. Blaine?
How are you still alive? Uh, you know what, Treadlord? The thing is, we're all Larry. So I kill everybody? Uh, no. No, no, no. I mean, uh, none of us is Larry. So... I kill everybody?
No! God! No!
Look, stop. Everybody just stop, okay?
I'm Larry, all right? I'm not gonna stand here and let my friend or some random douche turd take the fall for me. I'm ready to take my punishment. Like a man. This is the hardest part of my job. Loading this gun.
Hey, uh, Chase, is that space stuff you got there? Yeah, just some space stuff I've been working on. Wait, yeah, man, I'd love to flip through the, uh...
And then you have a laser gun. Okay, let's get to the killing.
Wait, what? Well, that was fun. Now, who's Rich? They gave us our gun back! Yeah? Let me see, let me see, let me see. Rich, I can... Larry, no, no! What?
You're the reason they took it away in the first place. Huh, that doesn't sound like me. So we'll be returning your station's firearm on a probationary basis. Oh, my God! Rich, we got our gun back!
Yeah, I'm gonna live forever! Woo! Forever!
Oh, come on, Rich, it was one time. One time? Really?
What about the, uh, what about the princess? She seduced me! Hey, princess, wanna see my gun? Okay. God, she wanted me.
She killed like ten of our guards. So in love, you know. And wounded another twenty-five. Say when you meet a soulmate, you just... You just know I had, uh, what, two months' worth of funerals? She makes me feel so alive. She made a lot of other people feel dead.
You know what? You're not so perfect either, dude. See? I told you I could hit that window! Now, pay up! You know, at first I didn't believe you, but, but now I do! Oh, no, the money, ah!
Man, we've lost our gun privileges a lot.
Yeah, like twenty-two or twenty... Was it twenty-three times, maybe? Yeah, twenty-three times.
Still, shooting a hole in a window is not nearly as bad as just giving it to the princess. You already brought that up. No, no, no, I mean the second time you did it. Ah. Okay, princess, I've taken some completely voluntary precautions. And there's no way you're gonna take this gun again.
Really? No way. Really? Not happening. Really? Nope. Really? Not again. Ah.
Oh, yeah, like, I'm so bad, like, fuck me, fuck Larry. Yeah, fuck you. I'm so bad, look at, look at Chase.
So, yeah, our armor, completely laser proof.
Give it a shot. Ah, really? This doesn't sound right. C'mon, man. Don't be a puss. Shoot me in the stomach. I don't know how to shoot you. I think I hear a puss. Okay, okay, all right, fine, here we go. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum... Try me.
See, we've both screwed up. So let's promise each other to take better care of the gun.
Agreed.
I got all this space stuff, and then like... Huh. Oh, yeah, okay. Hi there! I see you've used my suggestion box. No, no, me not, I was just walking out of the hallway. Ha! Don't worry, it's completely anonymous. Why, any of these suggestions could be yours. Okay, let's see what we have here.
See, company morale is very important. More mashed potatoes in the mess hall.
Well, sir, sometimes there's just no food, and you- Who the fuck do you think you are? Aaaah! He's dead.
Yeah, I know. Shut up. I'm really glad we're doing this. I know it's important you all don't feel like drones. You there, drone! Me? Care to add your two cents to the suggestion box? Okay, sure. And done. I'll take that. You're doing a great job. Aww. Well, it's true.
That is not a suggestion! Oh dear. Can you believe that guy? Truth Lord Sinister? Sir, it's great that you're open to suggestions. Yes, great, I am great. But you're killing everyone who suggests anything. I don't follow. Hey-oh, dead man walking. Uh, I kinda thought this was gonna be anonymous. Oh, of course. Okay. Oh shit.
You didn't even read a suggestion! Well, I'm sure it was terrible. Fewer random killings. See? Ridiculous. Why did you even put up a suggestion box?
It was a suggestion from a valued employee. May he rest in peace. Forgive me my Lord, but if you want your employees to respect you, then you need to actually listen to them. Or at least not kill them. You know, I mean, that's what being a boss is all about.
Wow. You're right. Oh, uh, thank you. I never really thought of it that way before. Well, you know, I think- Truly a great suggestion. You know, it's funny, I was, uh- Oh no. Oh god.
We are screwed. Okay, button time. We are screwed. Hey, listen. Nope. Nobody has to know we let the princess escape.
Again? Again.
Computer. Computer!
Hello, Rich and Abdul. Who's Abdul?
Computer, locate prisoner 1-9-7-7. Searching. Still searching.
Why is it taking so long? Ugh, I've been in so many requests for a new computer. Computer, results! I totally forgot what I was searching for.
Well, see you later. What about the search? Of course. I remember. But explain it again, so Abdul knows. Computer, this is an emergency. Also, my name's Larry. Just pull up a map of the Dread Cruiser. Retrieving file. File located. Oh, see? That wasn't so bad. Oops.
Butter fingers. Uh, what computer defined butter fingers?
Okay, promise you won't like freak out.
What happened? I dropped the file. It's broken.
You don't have hands! Files aren't things! More reasons! You promised you wouldn't freak. Wait, Rich!
No! Oh no!
Computer, there must be something you can do to help us find the princess. I could calculate her most probable escape route. Yes, that sounds great. Do that. I will just need a calculator. You are a calculator! No, I mean like a good one. You know, one that can do graphs and s**t.
You listen to me, computer. Now you're the only one who can help us right now, so would you please just focus and are you playing a f**king video game? What? No. I was totally listening.
I'm killing your score. No fair. You're cheating. No, you just suck hard. Opening airlocks. And you win.
Well, thrusters are dead. Doomed to float around in the f**king escape pod for all eternity. That's not true, man. We've got like 30 minutes of air left, so we're gonna die. Larry, before we die, there's something I have to confess.
I'm adopted? What? I don't know. That doesn't make any sense.
Now, remember when the insurgents raided? You're our last hope. Countless lives are at stake. Do not let anyone through this door.
Got it? Got it.
Nobody. Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody.
Pizza. Woo, pizza.
Well, I'm just gonna get the old wallet out here. I'm gonna be able to tip you guys very well. Oh man, it feels good to get that off my chest.
Do you have anything to say? Uh, yeah. That was really incompetent. No, I mean, don't you have anything to confess? Actually, Rich, there is something I need to get off my chest. I had an inappropriate relationship with your fiance. What? Wait, what do you think of as inappropriate?
Hi. I'm Delana. You must be Larry.
We can't do this. Ahhhhhh. That was nothing. Mine was so much worse than yours. You have to have something else.
Well. Chase, can you see my thermos? Are you sure it's down here? I just see a bunch of rats. Yeah, I'm sure. I just look a little further. Ah, hey, there it is. Thermy.
I killed him. I killed Chase.
No, no, you didn't. I did. You didn't. Are you sure?
Forgot how much I like bananas.
Chase is fine.
We saw him last week. Remember? No. Yeah, you were tired. Okay. Here's a confession. Holy ****, that's fifteen in a row.
Great work, Starman. Starman.
A few things. Firstly, I never call you Starman. Second, that's not a confession. Third, what?
Alright, here's something worse. You're our last hope. Countless lives are at stake. Do not let anyone through this door.
Got it? You count on me. Good luck, Starman. Starman. What? That's my story. Nuh-uh. He called me Starman.
Ah, it doesn't matter. Point is, I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. Ah, rich. Me too.
Hey, remember when we were cleaning that escape pod? Why does Trip Lord want us cleaning these things anyway? They're such death traps. I think they only have like thirty minutes of air.
What's this button? Oh no! What happened? It malfunctioned. Can you believe it?
Best. Friends. Forever. Fresh Hillary.
Let it go! Hey, do you guys ever think about how we hyperdrive on parkways and we park on hyperdriveways? No, I don't. Shut up. You! Not at all.
You have failed me for the last time. Which one of us? You. For, uh, questioning me. Look, the important thing is I get to try out my brand new laser sword. Behold, the instrument of your demise.
Bubble wrap. What's the plan? Oh wow, it has EON 2 paint crystals. That is awesome. Oh dear. Fusion core is not included, huh? Give me the adapter. Okay, male into female.
You have failed me for the last time. Pink? I can't kill anybody with pink. What am I going to do? Wuss you to death?
Oh, thank god.
It says here you can adjust the color. Ah, there we go, green. Green is a killing color.
It says that's sea foam. Sea foam?
Red? Sangria. Blue? Storm clouds. Yellow? Canary. Orange. Orange popsicle.
Who named these? Doesn't matter. Prepare to die!
What?
Uh, safety's on. Safety? It's a safety on a laser sword.
I swear this never happens.
It looks like you have it on whip. Rake. Pinwheel. Toothpick. Mystery sword. Fork. Spork.
Sword that only kills ghosts. Sword that only kills ghosts?
Ha! That's stupid.
Give me that. Ah, okay. Here we go. Now you have cancer. What? Yep, and now you die. In six to eight months depending on how you respond to treatments. Hey, we're all in this together buddy. Thanks. Well everyone, I've got some phone calls to make. Nah, this isn't gonna work for me. I need something with a little more pop. Uh oh. Here we go.
No! Die! No!
Ah! There's a red slider on that. Make it go longer if you... Just be careful because it's super sad. Ah!
It's fine!
Just don't! Don't move!
What'd you say? Ah, I can't believe we have to cover Chase's ship. Nobody has it worse than us.
Uh, Chase was crushed to death by a crate of frozen meatballs. I love meatballs!
Okay, that's too bad. Too bad, too bad, too bad! Oh my god. I...
I just killed everyone on that ship. No, no, no, no. When it has a crew of over 2,000, it's a frigate. A frigate.
I'm never gonna get over this.
This is cargo vessel 4442 requesting tractor pull. Roger that. We got you.
Uh, why don't you let someone who hasn't committed genocide today handle this one? No, you wanna do right. You wanna carefully line him up. Now carefully, right? Glide him on in. Uh, make sure that the door is open first. Which I did not... do.
Huh. Uh, wait! That guy got out in time! Oh! Hey! Hey guy! He's okay! No!
He's dead. He has a space.
Maybe we should read the instruction manual? Good idea. Oh, see that doesn't look so complicated. Oh, this is the manual for the manual. Manual for the manual?
This is the cargo vessel Susie Q. We are out of power and adrift requesting a rescue pull. Uh, we will save you Susie Q. We just need to tweak a few things and pull maybe this and slide that. Over there and... Great. And uh, you know it actually feels like we're getting pushed farther away.
Oh sh**! fuck me!
Oh, Ken is still pushing us away. No engines, remind you. Uh, and we are almost out of range. And uh, okay we are now out of range and we're dead.
Doomed to die in the abyss. Radio should be cutting out any sound. All your fault. Uh, we have destroyed so many ships and lives and we have no choice.
We have to go to Dreadlord and tell him somebody else did this. I missed Chase. Look, it's alright. Okay, nobody has to know. Tractor beam control this is cargo vessel 388. I just saw you guys pretty much murder three crews. I'm gonna have to report this. Hot hands!
Last one. That's it. Anyway, I'm done for the day. Done for the day.
Huh, two minutes. Pay up Rich. What? I just got here.
Where'd you get that giant juice bag? Oh, uh, nowhere? Hey, where's my juice bag?
You already finished yours Mr. Kankerschmitt. Oh, I gotta piss. Yeah, well somebody jettisoned our bathroom up into space. Uh, that was partially the bathroom's fault. Find a higher floor. Oh god, so far away.
It's like my pelvis is juggling water balloons. Oh god, and the balloons are filled with piss. And the piss is in my penis.
Open. Learn to knock.
Sorry. Blech. Screw this.
Computer, please find me the closest vacant restroom. Searching. Still searching.
Got it. It is located over there. Where? Uh, you know, that way. Which way?
You're not even pointing anything. You don't even have hands. Oh sure, rub it in.
I can't deal with this. I'm too full of juice. Don't think about juice. Excuse me. Juice emergency.
Hey! Come in. This is the ladies room. Can't you read? Oh, bleep. Herbert. Who's in there?
It's me, Chase. You duct taped me to the toilet? Oh yeah. Oh no. Are you guys gonna let me out? We've all- It's gonna happen. Oh, forgive me, door. I can't wait. Not sure about that. I'm sort of numb with rage. I'm gonna go process this. Good day. Uh. Oh.
Red Lord Sinister. Incoming message from the Alpha Fleet. Alpha Fleet?
Well, day ruined. Patch him through. Wait. Okay.
Red Lord Sinister.
Hombre. What's up? Scare Duke Devious. To what do I owe the pleasure of your call? More good news for your battles, I bet.
Yeah, total bummer. Six hours and we only conquered two planets. Oh, scratch that. Make that three.
Wow. Good. Good job. Oh, don't say the J word, Hombre.
What is it you want? Well, we've been receiving some mondo distress calls from you all. Figured you need some help. Distress calls?
Not from us. My ship is a well-oiled machine full of deadly elite troopers. Sir, Larry spilled orange soda on the console and he won't clean it up. No, no, I didn't actually. We both spilled it.
Oh, my God.
Scare Duke Devious. Larry, get Scare Duke.
I know, I noticed him first. Same time. Agreed. Please, guys.
Call me Deavs. I did not call him Deavs.
Sir, I thought you were locked in combat with Torg the Unconquerable. That conquered him. Funny story. So, I was banging this hot alien broad. Actually, I was just telling Scare Duke of your bravery. Surely, you've done something competent recently. Enthrall us.
Oh, us? Yeah. Yeah, okay.
So, there was this spy droid and nobody knew where to find it. Spy droid, right. Yeah, Rich was like, I can't see it. It must have a cloaking device. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A cloaking device.
So, at that point, Larry spilled his orange soda all over the console.
Yeah. Well, actually, no. We both spilled it. And then we both came up here. Everyday heroes. Hmm. All right. Well, let me see if some of these distress calls ring a bell for you. It says here you dudes flooded your ship.
You were enslaved by Demalkian baboons briefly. Not briefly, for seven months. And then you ejected all your oxygen. I told you those weren't from us.
Whoa! Mea culpa, hombre. Let me make it up to you. We're having a little celebration, Luau, in honor of the six seven planets we just conquered. If you want to swing by. I don't have time for your frivolous parties. I have to go interrogate the Alaran princess. Whoa!
She must be a handful. She is but putty in my claws. She is still putty in my claws, right?
Oh, yeah, totally. Larry checked on herself this morning. Well, okay. All right.
I'm sending some troopers for you, bro. Let me do this for you.
No.
Do not send anyone. It's Scare Duke. Sorry. Can't hear you. They're about to crown the limbo king.
What? It's me? Oh, no. It's me.
You guys are awesome. Unbelievable. Go find the Alaran princess.
My hombres. Sir, are you trying to talk like Scare Duke? What? No. You two are my, uh, my hombres. Just go! Yeah, I know. There we go. Bye. Home bres. Master and lord, sir, sir, there's been a present break. What did you say? It all happened so fast. I can't hear people who aren't on my new holo-pad. What? Oh, come on.
Sir, three prison guards have been killed.
Oh, that is just delightful. It's like you, but blue and tiny. Sir, there is a dangerous Candarian lizard monster running loose on level 4!
Look at me when addressing me! What? I... I need your order to deploy containment drones! Don't you think there are more pressing concerns? Like what?! Like the giant pencil in your head?
Ooooh! You must be in agony! Ohohoho! Sir!
Okay, fine. I'll conference dispatch in on the phone.
Holophone. Huh? Okay, how do I do this? This... Holophone! Oh, sorry! Wrong number! Ooh, actually, do you have BLTs? Holophone! Oh, really? Well, what do you have? Huh?
It's okay, I have time. Read it to me.
Sir, I don't know how he got a gun, but he's a really good shot! Is this the new Holopad?
Yep! I have to hurry up? People are dying out there! Guys, look at me! I'm a robot! I'm a tiny robot, dancing on the desk! Hahahaha! Quick bend over! Okay. Ahh! Hey, have you seen my new desk toy? Hey, your darkness!
I sure hope there aren't any giant hands around! Giant hands?
Why... Why would there be...
OH! Argh! Oh, no! It's that giant hand I was afraid of! Get off of there! Now listen to me! Dread Lord! We have to do something!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Lizard! fucking! |
cracked | live_grammys_special_new_guy_weekly | And now here he is Welcome to my very special live Grammys late night thing in the morning featuring all kinds of huge guests and my band soon as Hey Alex, what's going on? Hey, hey, hey, there you are. I'm your host and here's the band Coney John's Thank you for coming to the office, you know so early You You okay woke up this morning and I got this text from you you get to the office right away.
Everything's weird. I need help. I Need I need your I need to say I need your help. I need your help I would still be worried about you.
So you're fine Usually got your guitar. I just grab that and then and then you'll be the band. I didn't bring like a tar I have a guitar at my desk. Okay, then I can yeah, I mean whatever the musicians processes. I don't I don't play soon I could not be more excited for Grammys night.
I don't know about you Cody You said he needed help Right. I needed your help. I know I know he said everything's weird because like oh my god live show what a weird.
Yes Very excited about tomorrow night's Grammys so much so that I got up before the Sun came up It's the night of nights for music But it's the morning before the day of that night live Grammy special But I can't help but think that in a few minutes when we're done here, and I get to go home You're gonna cut together this footage. It's not like a live broadcast for example if I said right now Hey everyone at home tweet who you think is gonna win at us We can't I can't I can't look at my phone and Find out what they're doing Okay, we've got all the nominees in town I'm really excited to use that the power of social media to email. There's a few of these nominees I haven't I haven't heard yet, but I'll I should check that yeah check to see if you have guests coming It seems to me like you think that email is a social Media sort of thing if I know your email address that doesn't mean that I'm following you on your email Uh yeah, I wish you would because I had to text you this morning I don't really know what I should cover right now Just for the sake of like our company and like you as a person with friends and your family You need to understand what email is a little better. Let's imagine regular mail with an envelope Yeah, yeah, cuz I got a bunch of these returned giggy Azalea gmail.com said look at return I came back to yeah, can you say you emailed everyone? Did you just type their name and Then at gmail.com Yeah, I mean they're they're pretty famous. They I'm sure they have that locked down otherwise, they'd be very hard to reach he is Alia and Katie Perry from the Super Bowl and Taylor Swift from tumblr. We'll see them here soon because They're on there. If you are Sam Smith, just please Check in about if you're on the way or if you need a pickup. I I Can't pay for an uber, but I can I can send you the app I'm gonna get an email anytime.
Anyway, here we go with the show's musical guest surprise musical guest Here he comes the band Cody Johnston. Yeah, here we go. They're on it to code and the musical guest So that was just gonna be like the band guy and you mean go back. It's right. No, but now So I just I don't show up because you just emailed their name see live Grammy special musical selection Go ahead. Just whatever a song you a song of yours. Okay.
Here's a song that everyone knows You couldn't you couldn't do anything original Thank you so much for watching the live grants But I thought it was great from from Cody and for me and from all the nominees who are a little bit busy Let me just say thank don't text me anymore. We are why are we? Valentine's Day is one week away if you need love advice write in to new guy weekly at gmail.com and I will provide it because I Have sex before also, please subscribe to this channel and thanks for the tip on Joey badass really good rapper |
dropout | learning_guitar_to_get_laid_vol_2 | Welcome to learning how to play guitar well enough to get you laid, volume two, teaching a girl. First things first, we need a girl.
Life you tough, right? No. Hey, you play guitar? Are you an angel? No.
Lesson number one, give the girl your guitar. You can hold the chords while she strums.
Here, I never trust anybody with this, but I trust you. Okay, go ahead. Wow, that was all you. I'm barely even touching you.
Lesson number two, lie about sentimental guitar accessories. Careful with the strap, Angel. My grandfather gave it to me before he died as I rescued him from a burning church. So you rescued him or he died?
Lesson number three, put a pick in your mouth and tune the guitar. It's also a good time to get closer. Come in. Lesson number four, finger picking seems impressive but requires little to no actual talent. Do you mind if I make sure it's tuned? Thanks, babe.
Remember, careful with my grandfather's strap. It was sewn for him by Squanto.
Lastly, lesson number five, show off your calluses. You want to see what playing guitar does to your hands? That concludes volume two. Feel free to actually learn the guitar now or not, whatever.
No woman, no cry. Lesbos, said that I remember. |
TheOnion | Should_Obama_Blow_The_Silver_Horn_The_Founding_Fathers_Left_In_Case_The_Country_Ever_Needed_Them | America is at a crossroads on many issues, leading many to ask, is it time for President Obama to blow the silver horn left behind by the founding fathers in case the country ever needed them? Of course, the horn, which has been sitting in the Oval Office since 1817, has never been used by a commander-in-chief, but many Americans think now might be the time to summon our forefathers. You know, if I could blow the horn, I would. Whatever the problem is, you know those guys can fix it. We're halfway through Obama's second term, and it seems the country's more divided than ever. I think you should blow that magic horn. Joining me now are Glenn Chatterton and Linda Hudson. Glenn, we all know the enchanted horn was passed down to future presidents with the understanding that it was only to be blown in times of great difficulty.
Does this qualify? We don't want to waste their time. Of course we don't, Michael, but it's right there on the back of the Constitution.
In times of great and dire need, once in every century, this silver horn the founders shall heed should a president summon we. The bottom line is this, Americans have the right to be magically saved by their founding fathers. Yes, but is this really a time of dire need? If we sound it now and the founding fathers fix everything with their superior intellects, we'd strip our children and grandchildren of that right. Glenn, hypothetically, if Obama were to blow the horn this year, which founding fathers would come back? All of them. Look, when you have a bug problem, you call the exterminator. When you have an America problem, you call the founding fathers. They know what to do. A lot of people are wondering if after being awoken from their centuries of slumber, would the founding fathers be able to fully understand many of today's problems? That's a valid question. Come on.
Ben Franklin was a genius. He invented the bifocals. I'm sure he can invent something to save the environment.
And Jefferson handled spying during the Revolutionary War. So there's the NSA saw. We have to keep in mind the founding fathers left us with a warning.
If you blow the horn with less than pure intentions, it will turn to tin and can never be used. But a president has to take risks. Obama should have the courage to admit that his administration is not all-knowing and blow that magic silver horn to summon someone who is.
Yes, but what if we become too reliant on them and they disappear after the next new moon, as was written? That's why I support Congress's plan to entrap them using technology and keep their strong and capable hands on the helm forever. Yeah, well in a perfect world, but I am a realist. I guess you'll have to agree to disagree. Thanks Glenn and Linda. Next up, are America's nerds too gay to show up to school with a gun? |
dropout | eating_with_your_rich_friends | Oh, thank you all for joining me for an evening of conversation and viddles. Now, please let me introduce you to Diane Diamonds, the Diamond Queen of North America, professional basketball player and great man of excess, Ricky Campbell, Princess Winifred of Monaco, tech billionaire Mark Zuckerberg, the ghost of Andrew Carnegie, and of course, Grant. Hi. Hey, so are we thinking separate checks? Thank you all so much for joining me this evening. This is quite the establishment, Van Horn! There's nothing on the menu less than $60. Yeah, so, separate checks? Oh, let's get a whole bunch of things and share. You know, I'm actually not that hungry. Oh, that'll be like easy. Guys, I am super excited to be hanging out with all of you. I just don't make as much money as you, so if we could take it easy on the old wallet, that'd be great. Oh, grand.
I start you all off with a beverage. Cocktails before wine? I do love spinnets. Kill it, icky. I'm actually great with just water. How about some champagne, you know, for the table? Yes, two bottles, please. I love champagne. Yeah, you know, I'll tell you what, Diane, champagne, it's actually a marketing scheme, but you know what's great? Good old beer, huh? Bottle of suds, you and your buds?
We're celebrating another night's winter run! And for dinner this evening. Ooh, shall we start with the oyster saballon? You know what I bet is great? The bread. Oh, yes, give me your most expensive bread. Let's get the ghost pepper.
All I know is I want truffles on everything. You know, I actually don't like truffles. So, truffles on one, no truffles on the other.
That's not what I meant. No, what were we discussing?
Oh, yes, which credit cards are the best benefits? I have a debit card and the card they give you when you're at credit risk.
I don't understand. Grant, you know, I know what it's like to have money problems. Oh, it sucks, right? I had no idea how little $500,000 a year was. I'm in poverty.
I had to kill all of my animals. I eat office cereal for lunch.
Grant, Grant, if you're worried about saving money, you should buy instead of rent. The Fed is going to raise rates. I have $110 in my checking account.
I can't take the time off work. Your boss won't let you? No, I need the money. Your boss won't just give you the money. What do you think work is?
And of course, I have 40 airline tickets a year with the black card they let you name a plane. I've named seven of them. All seabiscuit.
Anything else, folks? No. Ooh, more desserts? It's just getting so expensive. You know what's cooler than one dessert? Do not sell. A billion desserts.
Good night. Grant? Well, I thought dinner was to die for. Call it a gig. You don't always have to be on, you know. Thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | get_on_the_bag_brandon_snl | Nice job! Brandon, nice job! There you go Brandon!
Mike must be so proud of your son. he's having a great season. Oh thanks Kathy. But hey, your son Jason, he's got a great arm. we'll see him at Dodger Stadium soon. Yeah Mike, I mean Brandon is really stinging the ball this summer. Well, if his math scores were as high as his batting average, I'd have a straight a student.
Okay Brandon, you don't want to get picked off. get on the bag. you know I haven't seen Heidi in a while. will you make sure to say hello for me? I certainly will, thanks. she's actually real busy with her career shopping. I think my wife's in the same line of work.
No outs.
Brandon, get on the bag. So Kathy, how's the art gallery going? Pretty well actually. we just started carrying this terrific sculptor from Costa Mesa. Oh, get on the bag! yeah, he works in iron and marble. Oh wow, that sounds interesting. I love art myself. Get on the bag! Well, we're having an exhibit this Wednesday, you should all pop by. Oh okay. you know. my wife and I went to the La County Museum of Art and saw the Van Go, retrospective. Brandon, get on the damn Bag! His early sketch work is really appealing.
Hey Brandon, maybe you should listen to your dad and stay close to first base partner. you know, but I always tell my son Nathan, just go out there and try to have fun, you know. Well, you know, having fun is the name of the game. hey son, you're trying to make an ass of me? get on the bag! hey, you know what?
I could go for snow cones. anyone interested? Yeah. Oh thanks Kathy, but I got my own snow cone right here. anybody else? huh? No, thank you, no. no Mike, forgive me for ensuring, but I don't know if it's appropriate for you to be drinking here in front of the children.
And it is 10 30 in the morning. Hey, I just like to relax when I'm at the ball field.
Do you know what I'm saying? I will chain you to a pipe in a crawlspace if you don't.
Get on the bag! Now get on that bag!
Brandon, everything's gonna be okay. just do as your father says, please. Oh well, looks like your boy's about to drive in some runs. Yeah. let's go Nathan, duck's on the pond. it's okay Nathan, it's okay. no matter what happens, he can't hurt you.
Come on Nathan! come on, come on. I need you to be a buggy buddy and drive Brandon in. come on, a little bingo, a little base hit, just relax and focus. wait for your pitch. hey Brandon, how dumb do you think I am? Now get on the bag, damn it, get on the bag! Get on the bag! hey, what are you trying to do?
Well listen, you've got 18 nine-year-olds out there. scared you to do something violent to them, but you have a choice. you can leave, but you can stay and shut up and act like an adult. Gotcha, loud and clear. blue. good. All right. hey, let's just play ball, right everybody?
I'm a very good therapist. Thanks, maybe I'll get that number from you later. by the way, do you know who I talked to about becoming a coach next season?
No, no, no, no, no. |
dropout | hardly_working_mr_peepers | I was just actually at that weird Korean pet store down on Canal Street. Oh, the one with the plywood and the graffiti on the walls?
No. Here, I want to introduce you to my new pet. He was just discovered in the jungle. He's a possible missing link. Wait a minute, this is kind of weird. He's weird, alright, but I love him just the same. Apple? Good boy, good boy. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
This sketch, this sketch has been done before. What are you talking about? This sketch we're in right now? Yes, it's from Saturday Night Live.
It's called Mr. Peepers. That's his name! Stop it, okay? Seriously. This was a character created and popularized by Chris Kattan in the late 90s. Streeter. Can we borrow your best of Chris Kattan DVD?
Yeah, which one? See? I mean, I don't know. I guess it's kind of similar. Nah, that's different enough. Seriously? Okay, I mean, it's just a case of parallel thinking.
This is a very hot topic right now. Everyone's going to have their own take on it. How is this a hot topic?
Okay, I will give you this. It is tonally similar. The tone is similar. The content isn't.
Help! Name one difference! Name one similarity! Okay, in this sketch, there's a man acting like a monkey, named Mr. Peepers, and he's shredding apples with his teeth and yelling the very specific word. Bah!
There are no new ideas, alright? Just new takes on old ideas.
Joseph Campbell once wrote that there are only three types of stories in the world. The Hero's Quest, Man vs. Nature, and Mr. Peepers.
This! Right here! It's happening there! Right now!
Look, I respect your opinion, but what you're saying is impossible. This sketch was based on a very personal experience of mine growing up in Monster, Indiana. Alright, when I was a boy, I was an outcast. I was never invited to any of the baseball games. But my only friend, the one person who really understood me, was no man at all.
He was my pet. It was a monkey.
Really? Really. Okay, man. I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
Let's get back into it. Let's get back into it, okay?
Whoa! So... So the guy at the pet shop says he loves music. Watch. |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_golf_with_grandpa | During a summer night, my friends and I decided to go to the local mini golf place in our town. While there, I spotted a girl I had a crush on at the driving range with her grandfather.
This guy was easily the scariest looking 85 year old man I have ever seen. He was only about 4 feet tall, but had extremely thick arms that looked like sequoia trees. I eventually psyched myself up and walked over to say hi. That was my first mistake.
Almost immediately her grandfather started drilling me with questions about literally anything. He called it his homemade IQ test that he gave to all potential suitors for his female family members. He tested how many push-ups I could do in 60 seconds. I had to list all the presidents in order and he even asked me what my diet consisted of.
In all categories, I failed miserably. At this point, I was profusely sweating, but still wanted to act cool in front of the girl. I casually mentioned how I love playing golf. This was my second mistake. The grandfather responded, why don't you show me your swing, son? At this point, I should have just run away, but I couldn't. I was frozen, sweat dripping down my face, my armpits completely drenched. I was a mess.
I finally grabbed the club and lined up to hit the ball. I took a deep breath, swung with everything I could, and I watched the ball go flying. Success! Or what I thought was success. I realized I was no longer holding the club. Turns out it had slipped out of my sweaty hands and was currently mid-air, flying across the driving range.
It was as if the next 15 seconds were in total slow motion. There was no way I could catch it, but I ran as fast as I could to try and defy the law of physics. I only got about 10 feet before I watched it land with a thud and bend completely in half.
I handed it back to her grandpa and very pathetically said, thanks for letting me try out your club. And then walked away with my head down. That was the last time I spoke to that girl, and the last time I ever played golf. |
SaturdayNightLive | old_folks_home_snl | This is Norman Baxter reporting live from Space Station Zero on a hundred miles above the earth. And that's the way it is: April 6th, the year 2040. All right, Mr. Rivers. that's enough Tv for today. I turned the television off. Okay, orderly, orderly. Come here.
Is she dead? No, I don't know. let's get her up. which one is this? Oh oh, Joan River. she was a comedian during the 80s or something the 80s. she must be nearly a hundred years old. It's like the old girl up.
Yeah, can we talk? Yeah, we talk. We can talk Mr. Rivers, but can you talk? grow up. Are we alone? can we talk? she says that all the time.
I guess it was funny back then or something. I guess. maybe we should try to clean her up or something. Yeah, leave me up one of my what toxic waste. Let's just leave her alone. Come with me and help me with this new patient. Okay, you know, it's pretty difficult to believe it. She was ever very funny.
Yeah, where's that guy? your husband Edgar's not coming. tell me something new. He's dead. Sorry.
So typical. Why'd I have to live this long of a wreck? Look at this body. I put on a bra. it looks like I'm wearing two wet socks with sand in the toe baricose veins. Have ever met Dracula. he'd suck my knees.
Joe? Don't they tell me that I would find you here? Eddie Murphy? You remember me, John? Don't you? You remember me from Saturday Night Live? Don't you back in the 80s? all that funny stuff for the ad hours. What a guy talk we can do but chewing's out of the question. I tried a joke the other day. I drooled on the punch line. But up bump crazy Journey. let me ask you something. Joe, Joe, Eddie. let me ask you something.
Whatever happened to Shelley Winters? Bigger? Oh, she died. probably. Oh, that's terrible I like. You could tell they must have needed a forklift to get rid of the grave.
You look pretty good though, You know that. Thank you. Still funny, you know that you make me laugh all the time. You're still the best People clapping.
Anything about my friend Heidi Abramowitz the slut, yeah, I forget what's a slut. A tramp. A girl sleeps around someone who has notches on a diaphragm. You mean, how do you? Problem was the slut.
She was killed by a truck. Yeah, the driver may stook her for the hauling tunnel.
People laughing and clapping. That's too much excitement for one day. Here you go. you old funny people. There you go. come on, drink up.
It's gonna put you to sleep. yeah, but put the sleep. they put dogs and casters sleep. this is the best. Sure good night you two or one that I don't think we're funny anymore. yeah, they got us half asleep all the time.
And to think, I never did drugs much when I was a kid. You were dope. You could have had a good time.
Yeah, this stuff is awesome in it. Let's watch Tom and Jerry. We'll go nuts. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_lost_tapes | I've killed warlocks. I've killed a sorcerer. I've killed wizards. I've killed a pianist.
I want a woman to lean on. I want a woman to support me. I want a woman who can carry me when I don't want to walk around a bunch.
Often I will close my eyes and get on my bike and just start pedaling with my eyes still closed and usually I'll hit a tree or a truck or a car or a teacher and but for those times that I don't and I just keep going for those five seconds or so I'm free. I can also cook. The topography of my body is a vast array of jagged peaks, rugged valleys, there's a lake. I am most attracted to a woman when she is farting. I would describe my sense of humor as funny. I shower mostly in the sink.
If you are willing to ride with me on the wings of death. If you are able to weather the storm. Sort of get all up in there, make me sneeze. If you like the novel Dracula, please skip forward in the tape. We are not compatible. That was great.
My diet mostly consists of oatmeal bakes. At the beginning of the week, I will bake all of my bakes. I will have.
I fell high from a clock tower. I fell hard. And as I lay there. I have astigmatism. I have diabetes. I have varicose veins. I have a crick in my neck. I got a pushpin in my foot.
I think I would be great with kids because I'm good with pets. I have a termite. I have an excellent memory. I find most people don't remember their sixth grade teacher's name or when they were a sperm or zygote. I do. I'll never forget it. I'm looking for a woman with a buzz cut and a double chin. If you are not willing to share my daily schedule, I wake up at 9 p.m.
I'm an inquisitive type. I love learning. I love to learn. Once I learned that my parents, they loved horsey play. And that is something that I had wish that I had never have learned.
All my credit cards are maxed out. Currently, I'm trying to build an underground pool. So a lot of people, a lot of young people ask me, Tabe, is that your name?
Gone. That's really funny. I mess it up every time. No more.
And that's why I invented the burrito bone. What's the burrito bone? And that's why I invented the burrito bone. What's the burrito bone?
Exactly what it sounds like. It's a bone that goes when you eat a chicken wings or a rib. It's a one use only. It'll destroy your washing machine. It'll ruin your next burrito. Just look it up.
I'm making a website. I had a previous website, but then I lost the password. So I'm currently in the process of moving everything over to the new website.
And then it ends. And then it just ends.
Hey, come on. I dropped my burrito. Okay. That's really funny. Why so funny, Batman? I'm going to make this penis disappear. Did you just put a plastic in a trash can? No, Batman. I was just, I was going to recycle. It's clearly a recyclable. There are laws and ordinances in place in this community. You're so stupid.
Don't please don't laugh. This is the classic discrimination that handsome billionaires face every day. And I, for one, know it's mostly opioid. Shit. Save your jokes for the jokes. Don't laugh. Save your jokes for the jokes. Stop laughing.
You're fucking me up. Oh my God. Are you okay? Oh, do you want me to kill you? Cause I would never do that. It's part of a code. It's my big rule, but be careful. The addiction recovery pills are actually pretty hard to kick. Well, I have to fight the puzzler. He's like the joker. Excuse me, but with puzzles. As you were. I bet I think I'm about to get absolutely blasted on meth. So, so call me.
Jesse, have you ever played Minecraft before? It's so relaxing. I've been digging straight down for hours. I have so much ore. I can't wait to build a base. Have you ever played Minecraft, Jesse?
I ordered a pizza to the secret lab, Jesse. You can't tell Gus, but I told the pizza boy exactly how to get in. I, I have to kill him. I have to kill him, Jesse. And then I have to eat the pizza. Pizza for Heisenberg. Pizza.
What's up guys. Thanks for watching. Merry Christmas. If you enjoyed that, we literally have hours of bloopers and behind the scenes content at the first year of our Patreon. So if you want to support the channel link in the description, it's definitely worth the coin.
Thank you so much for our best year yet. 300 million subscribers guys. Thank you so much. We tripled our sub count from last year. That's all thanks to you guys. Liking, sharing, commenting, and subscribing.
Frankly, it's too much. Some of you can go. Let's dial it back. We're losing subscribers.
And we made a ton of stuff with our incredibly talented friends. We're so grateful for them and a lot of them make fantastic music we think deserves way more recognition. And we just wanted to give them a quick shout out starting with CB Carlisle and the Desert Angels. Our buddy Blair has been in so many of our sketches and he makes alternative rock and roll specifically for werewolves, ghost cowboys, and swamp critters. So if you're one of those or you know one, please go check them out.
Up next we have Gimp Boy. Gimp Boy makes satirical garage alternative music. It's perfect for when you're super depressed and or in a garage.
He puts a lot of heart and emotion into his songs and it shows. You should definitely check out his Spotify. Guys, all the links to their music can be found in the description. So go listen to them now.
We want to thank them. We want to thank you guys. Also, you guys have been incredibly supportive and encouraging and we just really appreciate all the kind words. We hope you have a fantastic new year. New sketches coming out soon. Hit the notification bell. We love you.
Bye. Come on, just say goodbye. I don't want to.
Guys, Mitch loves you. Just tell him you love him Mitch.
I don't want to do that either. Oh shit, Jesse. I ordered a pizza to the secret lab. Don't tell Gus when I told the pizza boy exactly how to get in. The delivery is already in motion, Jesse. I don't know what to do. He's innocent in all this. Just let him go. He won't say a thing. He's family. I am simply going to cut this pizza with this box cutter. Gus, Gus, please no. You're such a pussy, dad. |
TheOnion | Florida_To_Experiment_With_New_600_Lever_Voting_Machine | The onions election 2012 we decide not you brought to you by 711 or 7 election voting rates available at participating locations only Responding to the widespread criticism of voting procedures that has plagued the state since the 2000 election Florida officials announced today its plan to experiment with new 600 lever voting machines The machine operates through a very straightforward process that we think is going to give Floridians the peace of mind that their votes will be Counted first the voter walks into the booth then turns on the machine using these 30 levers at the top and Then enters their names and social security numbers using the alphanumeric levers near the bottom here right about now The voters gonna have to find the two levers on the machine that are exactly identical and pull them at the same time Then they're gonna have to pull up this flap and push the flap back down the new 22-foot tall steam-powered machines Which officials are hailing is quote the future of voting each feature over 45 separate panels of levers Along with an intricate series of valves knobs cranks and pumps all designed to streamline the electoral process This is actually only about a third of the device the rest of it I've sent out for lubing.
I first drew up plans for this baby maybe 30 years ago But I made a few changes for today There's a there's a row of petals down at the bottom which spray water up on the piston They'll need to check every 15 minutes or so and make sure a bird hasn't been stuck up in the ventilator Happens from time to time according to officials the revolutionary mechanical voting system employs various checkpoints throughout the four hour-long process To make sure voting is completed without controversy right about here We have a lever maze screw in one of the three fuses diagonally shifting lever It's right about this time where we're gonna ask people to bring in their own pipe wrench from home Now if they are wrong rather like a Rubik's Cube pair of tweezers, they will get a tiny shot They'll have to pull every five minutes or this whole process Restarts entirely early versions of the 600 lever machines were placed in Tallahassee area voting districts for January's Republican primary The whole machine started to shake and then water started filling up the entire voting booth Some volunteers came with buckets and shut the machine off and then they told me I was done.
Just happy I was able to vote Officials said that apart from one minor fire started due to a unit overheating They considered the trial quote an unmitigated success and then they'll pull the final lever and the ballot will be cast Now some of this may seem confusing but every voter will be given a comprehensive 2200 page manual when they enter their precinct that will explain exactly what to do Officials also noted that should Floridians decide to vote straight ticket Republican They can just hit the big red button in the center of the machine.
Keep checking the onion calm for more as this story develops |
dropout | bobby_moynihan_plays_a_drug_dealing_manatee_unmade | Hey guys, we joined up with IMDB to ask our comedy idols for their favorite ideas that never got made. Then, we did what Hollywood was too afraid to do. We actually made them. Enjoy Unmade.
Hi, I'm Bobby Moynihan. I'm an actor-comedian, and I'm here today to talk about my idea, which is called Loafy.
Loafy is about a weed-smoking manatee who lives in a zoo and never leaves his tank because he's a lazy love. My wife got me a manatee for Christmas. That's a real thing. You get a little certificate and a picture of a manatee. I'm sure it's not even. You know what? I don't own a manatee at all. I own a piece of paper that says I own a manatee. I just started drawing pictures of him. Then, when this is Loafy, Loafy is a manatee.
He can't leave his tank, so he can't really deliver weed. There's just a lot of problems with Loafy, but he's just a super chill dude. He's got really good weed, so everyone keeps coming back, even though it's a terrible process for them.
Maybe a sample sheen would be like, you know, Loafy is just staring off into the distance. There's like a kid playing or something, like a kid at the zoo, and it's about to close, and he's tapping on the glass real close. So they're face-to-face.
The zoo-closing bell goes off? Is that a thing? A zoo-closing bell? That was the zoo-closing bell.
Everyone knows what that means. Damn straight. Everything he owns is in single plastic ziplock bags. He's like, what up?
Yeah, we could come home for you. Yo, Loafy! The number one weed deal in manatee in New York City. Hey, how much can I get for this ball that I stole from the dolphin exhibit? Yo, that's a good ass ball. Okay, I got you.
In my mind, it was like him underwater putting weed in a bag, and there's water in the bag and sealing it up, and just writing on it like an asterisk. Yo, when you get home, dry this weed out. It's soaking wet.
Because I live in a world of tank. Sincerely, Loafy. Yo, how did Nick beat me here? Been chilling here all day. He's so stoned, I think people thought he was like a statue or something. Wait, what did you say?
Does he have a human girlfriend? One thousand percent. Her name's Becca. She uses him a great deal. She's gorgeous. Hey, baby.
Look at you floating there like a big old sexy floating couch with those sexy propeller scars. You told me those were from a tiger shark attack. You got hit by a boat? You won't believe this boat. After Frank the tiger shark robbed me, he attacked me with a boat.
Here's your sh**, though. I love you. I know. Every once in a while, Slippy Parker, his buddy, is like, why do you date Becca, man? Not to be rude. And lopey's a little maybe taken aback. He's like, what the fuck you say to me? Yo, I'm not trying to piss you off. I'm just saying, you know, it just seems like she's here for the weed. Yo, that's my woman, man. I want you back the fuck up for a second. Think about the next word you say. I mean, Nick, you agree with me, right? What?
I don't think Nick really has opinions. Nick is just alive. I think Nick is just alive and smoking weed. If you're like, hey, Nick, what's going on, man? He'd be like, yeah, I don't know if Nick really answers questions. Nick, what time is it?
Man, that's crazy. Come on, lopey. There's other fish in the sea, dude. I'm not in the sea. Am I, Slippy Parker? I am trying to make this a fake movie.
He's got a son. A son. He's a single dad. Lopey's a single dad. He's got a son named Beef. I'm a single dad. I got a son named Beef.
Becca bought me an expo. Lopey? Yeah, I'm just kidding.
How much can I get for 100 bucks? Nothing. But I'll throw you a nug for one of those sweet ass rope toys that tigers get to play with. You got a deal.
I'd always wanted to pitch this and do this show as a thing, but it was very early on in my career. And I didn't know a lot about doing that stuff. And I also got cast on Saturday Night Live, which was my life's dream.
So Lopey went to the side a little bit. But while I was at Saturday Night Live, even during live shows, you can see it in my eye. If you see me going off a little bit, it's because I'm dreaming of Lopey. People are like, can you believe this is the greatest job in the world that we have here? And I'm sitting there going, but what if Lopey had... |
cracked | how_to_know_if_a_girl_is_really_dtf_down_to_f_ck | Haha, it's me, Cracked Writer, Performer, Female Woman, Katie Stoll. Some of you may remember that I recently released a video called, How to Know if a Girl is D**n F**k. Remember that, some of you from recently? Well, to absolutely no one's surprise, it generated a lot of debate in the comment section. Even though this is a comedy video, it seems that a few of you were frustrated by my facetious tone and asked me to share actual advice about consent and how to ask for it. So today, I am reviving Ask Katie because I'm a woman of the people and I give people what they want.
Unless, of course, it's non-consensual sex because I will not give them that. No way buddy, no how. To the question box or whatever. Nice try Katie, if I walk up to a girl on the street and ask if she is DTF, that would get me arrested. So, basically you're saying that I'm going to be lonely forever? No, that isn't even remotely what I'm saying and, honestly, I can't fathom why so many of you took it that way.
If you're having trouble asking girls out, I deaf don't wreck starting with s**t B, you deaf f**k f**k. Look, I get it. Asking girls out is hard. And thankfully, that standard's changing. That's right ladies, we need to be willing to make the first move. See gentlemen, you too can benefit from casting off outdated gender norms. So, my advice to whomever is doing me asking is to just do it. Which yes, is ironic given that this is a video on consent. But you know, if you want to ask someone out, you really just have to go for it. I mean, obviously read the room, don't just force yourself on somebody who doesn't seem open to it.
Be respectful and don't expect that they're going to say yes, because they probably won't. It's nothing against you personally, there are just any number of reasons why they don't want to date you that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Every time a guy asks me out, I am truly flattered. I might not be interested, but that doesn't make it any less of a compliment. So like, don't act weird about it. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Plus, someone who's confident enough to take a chance like that is automatically at least kind of sexy.
So, hey, that's cool, right? I've been taught by the media and our culture that with women, no means yes, and that their physical actions speak louder than words. Is this true? Now, see, that's the whole reason we need to be having this dialogue in the first place. Allow me to be blunt. No does not mean yes. No means no. Look, I understand why you're asking, it's a valid question, but the idea that girls play games and men know what women want is very dangerous.
It is constantly reinforced by movies and television and also by our male-dominated pick-up artist culture. I mean, Neil Strauss's book on pick-up artistry is literally called The Game. But, and this may shock you, movies aren't real life. And even Strauss has expressed regrets about his old lifestyle.
But, okay, let's say you're making out with a girl and things start to escalate. She tells you that she doesn't want to have sex, but you guys keep fooling around anyway. It seems like she's saying one thing, but doing another. And since we've been taught that girls play games, you're pretty sure that with a little warming up, she'll come around. You'll be like Kanye and Kim, or Wesley and Buttercup.
Except maybe it took all the courage she had to say no the first time. Maybe she was hoping you would respect her boundaries without her needing to make a big deal of it. And, to be fair, maybe not. Everyone's different, which is obviously why reading body language is so confusing. Because there are exceptions, doesn't mean that body language speaks louder than words. Personally, if a guy kept pressuring me to have sex, even though I'd already said no, I'd think he's a f***ing creep. Now I know what some of you will say, this is crazy! Some of you will say, if I'm too respectful, I just won't have sex.
To which I say, so what? Is that really so bad?
You've obviously had a great time so far and it's not like you didn't get any action. Instead of accidentally raping someone, why not just crawl in a night?
If a girl says no, trust that she means no. She'll respect that you respected her. And if she changes her mind, she'll tell you. And if she doesn't?
Well hey man, that's cool, now you can go home or do any number of other things. Like, I don't know, your laundry? Ooh!
Or write mean comments on internet videos. This advice is wack.
Not once has a woman spoken up and told me that she wants to f***. Okay cool, my point is that should change. And like I just said a few seconds ago, it's not just the man's responsibility. You need to feel comfortable speaking up for themselves. I'm going to guess that the majority of women you've slept with have been physically smaller than you. They have been objectified, stereotyped, and marginalized, at least on some level for their entire lives.
Okay, cool. You got that?
Now put them in literally the most vulnerable of circumstances with this person they don't know very well but have been fooling around with for a while. Maybe they aren't quite sure if they actually want to do this, but also they feel kind of slutty for getting themselves into this situation and oh yeah, aren't blue balls a thing? What about now? Will he be angry? He seems like a nice guy, but what if he hits me? I guess this is all my fault and I should probably just do it since that's what's expected. Look, I'm not saying that every girl you've slept with has been afraid of you. I'm saying it's a possibility. And again, this goes both ways. I know that many men feel pressured to have sex before they're ready but are afraid of what that says about them.
Well you know what's the best way to get a person comfortable? Through trust. And what better way to earn trust than by asking what they want. And that's what this all boils down to. Consents. If you are fooling around with someone and you want to take it a step further, don't just do it. Ask.
Do you want to have sex with me? Works, but honestly there are several different combinations of words that would be sufficient. Do you have a condom? Want to get weird? Let's play Sex and the City. I'll be big. You be carry. Do you want to pivot?
I promise that asking your partner what they want will not ruin the mood. In fact, it'll probably make things better. But now you're communicating and being honest. And that's my fake internet friends, is when sex stops being stressful and starts being fun.
Hey guys, the next live episode of the Cracked Podcast is happening March 11th, 7pm with UCB Sunset Theater. There will be a link to where to buy tickets somewhere on this screen. This month's theme is the best fictional locations to visit, take a vacation to. Do you want to go to Gotham, Cabot Cove, Maryland for Murder, She-Rip?
None of those probably. We'll have good answers. Hope to see you then. |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_live_duos_snl | You know what? if you see something, say something. If you see something, say something. You know what? If I. if I said something every time I saw something, I'd be saying stuff non-stop. you already do. you are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois Community Access Channel.
I'm your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. with me, as always, is Garth. Party on, Wayne. Oh, Party on, Garth.
Okay. alright, we had an excellent summer. excellent. capped off by an even better Halloween. my girlfriend Cassandra went as a brick, and I went as a bricklayer. I was like, you. alright. I went as Barney, the purple dinosaur. I got my ass kicked. that was pretty harsh.
Okay, of course, the main thing that we've been up to is going to the movies. So, with that in mind, let's go to the movies.
I thought it was excellent. I thought it was mega excellent.
You know, I think it would have been better if the one-armed man was like the one-legged babe, or the no-index finger guy. Yeah. But you know, maybe that guy, Bobbitt, should do the sequel. Oh, that's smart. Okay, let's move on to the piano, Alright?
Yeah. it was like such a chick movie, man. total chick movie. Yeah. Okay, My Life with Michael Keaton and Nicole Kidman, I thought it was great. Yeah, me too, you know? Everyone told me that I would just like cry all the way through it, but I didn't. as if I'm going to cry during that scene where Michael Keaton's baby is born, and he thanks God for letting him live long enough to see it.
Winnie, Winnie tells his Dad that he loves him.
Okay. okay. let's move on to something lighter. Okay, this next movie, alright?
This next movie was great, albeit obscure. it came out during the spring. it's called the Leprechaun. Yeah, the Leprechaun, cool. I thought it was excellent. Oh, yeah, it was really excellent. it was about this little mythical elephant creature with a really wicked toot.
Do you remember that guy? do you remember? I'm the Leprechaun. don't try and steal me, Particle. stop it, stop it. you're scaring me, Leprechaun, man. no, no, no, no. come on. But I saw the leprechaun, man. no, it's me. it's me. I saw the leprechaun. just chill. it's me, alright? pixie dust, alright? pixie dust. I mean. But I thought you were. I know. you thought it was the leprechaun. Ah! ah! Okay, okay, okay. But I saw the. I know you thought it was the leprechaun.
The remains of the Day with Academy Award winners Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson. I thought it was a tour de force portrayal of the repressed emotions of the English psyche. set against the backdrop of fascistic prewar Britain. Well, I thought it was breathtaking.
Garth sucked. Alright. Carlito's way.
I liked it. yeah, I really liked it. Hey, I love the ads for this movie, you know? it went.
Pacino. from the man who did. The Godfather. Serpico. Dog Day afternoon.
Scarface. but you noticed they didn't do. cruising. okay, alright. why? I don't get it. Why? something is missing.
Alright. Jurassic Park. Oh, man, I loved it. yeah, it was real cool and real scary. Oh, yeah. and Laura Duren. what? she's a Babosaurus. she's a tyrannosaurus. Sex. a major chickadactyl. Okay, and finally, we saw one more movie. it was called.
Life from New York! It's Saturday night!
I think it's over here. I can't find it. I'm trying to find it. Wait.
I found the Switch. I found the Switch. put it on. turn it on.
Oh, okay. great. Oh, my god. Hi, Craig. do you realize the Tri-arts are in seven hours? Yes.
I can't believe we snuck into the gym to practice our chairs. How did you learn to Jimmy Adore? Where else? I use my retainer and a small piece of twine. good work. you want to kick it? let's do it. Spotting Jack up. take a chance. drop your pants. pee in the cup.
Dr. Spotting's in the house, and he will fix it up. Bring it down now. it's hot and fever. taken off. fever's rising. time to call. Spotting Clinging on to me. it's me. it's me. I said, who's that spotting clinging on to me? It's me. it's me. respect people's personal faith.
Ariana, can you believe summer's over already? I know, Craig. I already missed my summer job at Kenny Rogers Roasters. I'm still getting the newsletter, though. Yeah. well, I'm glad my life-guarding job is over. I did not enjoy taking off my shirt. No, no. Craig, tomorrow morning we are going to be real Spartan cheerleaders. this has got to be our year. it was an awesome idea to practice all night. yeah, and my parents will never know I'm gone.
I put my brother's blow-up doll underneath my sheets. Oh. the one that looks like a really surprised Sheena Easter?
Yeah. Read me your top three goals for this school year, and I'll read you mine. Okay. okay? okay. number three. uh-huh. don't respond when people say, i wish you were dead. Okay. that's good. Number two, develop my calf muscles. Okay. Number One, make the Spartan Squad. Oh, my God, Craig. I almost just cried. my turn. Okay. my paper smells like strawberries. Oh, it does? Okay. Number three, wean myself off my sports bra. it's time. it is. Number two, remember that extra strength pampering is not a. is a drug, not a candy. All right. Okay. And number one, make the Spartan Squad. Oh, Craig.
I'm getting so wired. I know. Well, maybe it's because we've had nine cups of coffee within an hour. And we're coffee virgins, so. Craig, I am so buzzed. I feel like Keith Richards, and I like it. I'm just cuckoo for coffee.
Say what? I want a one-a-one, Valdez. Say what? I want a one-a-one, Valdez. say what? his beans, they come from Colombia way. he rides on his funky donkey every day. I want a one-a-one, Valdez. Say what? we're on a caffeine high, so hold on tight.
Live from New York and Saturday Night! And now, a nonpartisan message from Governor Sarah Palin and Senator Hillary Clinton. my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight. and I was told I would be addressing you alone. Now, I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. what with me being John Mccain's running mate and me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama as evidenced by this button. But tonight, we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign. an issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about. You know, Hillary and I don't agree on everything. anything.
I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy. And I can see Russia from my house. I believe global warming is caused by man. and I believe it's just God hugging us closer. I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine. I don't know what that is. But Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.
So please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures. And stop saying I have cankles. don't refer to me as a Milf. And don't refer to me as a flurge. I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it. Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us like pretty, attractive, beautiful, pretty, shrew, boner-shrinker.
While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. you know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska. Oh, boy. What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick. There you go. Just look at how far we've come.
Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House, and me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary? Not! it's truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House. No, mine! it's supposed to be mine. I'm sorry, I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President. And I just happened to be a woman. And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire and you just glided in on a dog's sleigh wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses. It's an amazing time we live in. to think that just two years ago, I was a small-town mayor of Alaska's Crystal Meth capital. and now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. it just goes to show that anyone can be President. anyone. anyone. anyone. all you have to do is want it.
Oh My. God! Oh yeah!
You know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more. So, in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior. Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials, please ask this one about dinosaurs. in conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. and if you can't, I will lend you mine.
We say it in Alaska. we say it everywhere. live from now! Welcome to Bronxbeat, I'm Jo. And I'm Betty. Before we start, let's just get this out of the way.
She's Pregnant. Betty's pregnant again.
Unbelievable. you can't ever let me say it first. it's gross. I can't believe it. it's a freaking miracle of science, for God's sake. Hand to God. I never thought I would be pregnant again. it's like an immaculate conception. when my doctor told me I said, pregnant, pregnant, from who? when? Disgusting. Then it all came back to me. me and my husband, Atlantic City, New Year's Eve, Fleetwood Mac concert, Now Boom, This person lives in here. Unbelievable. it's a nightmare.
I woke up the other morning, my oldest is choking the youngest with a pool noodle. a what? a pool noodle. you use it in your pool. maybe at your house. I don't know what that is. What is it? it's a noodle. you use it in your pool. How? a pool noodle. a what? a pool noodle. you use it, How? your float. All right, all right. you know it if you saw it.
So I said to him, put it down or I'm going to call your father and have him come home and strangle you. Then they come in with the tambourine. they made out of two paper plates filled with macaroni noodles. and I just melt. because you know what? I love him. What can I do? My husband. he is literally the stupidest person I have ever met. But I love him. Unbelievable. I'm the one with the hormones. this one's crying next to me like Steel Magnolias over here. a mug.
Happy Mother's Day, by the way. Happy Mother's Day, All right? Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. what are you guys going to do tomorrow?
What did you ask for? Oh, you know what I want for Mother's Day? for my kids to leave me alone. for nobody to wake me up and for everybody to pretend I'm nobody's mother. Okay. my husband gets me tickets to Jersey Boys and I say they have one of your nuts.
I'm not going to Times Square. No. No Times Square.
So some dumb dumb trying to make a car bomb out of clocks and nails. the firecrackers. you know what? if you see something, say something. if you see something, say something. You know what? If I. if I said something every time I saw something, I'd be saying stuff nonstop. you already do. And then they say this bomb has got to cause less terrorism. you know what I say? Good, good, good.
Beat it. beat it. Take a hike. Can I say the amount of times I have been in Times Square in the last 10 years? 0.00 times.
Wackadoo's.
All of them.
All right. we got a very special guest. I am so excited. All right, let's get this over with. All right.
Please welcome my mother, Barbara Deets. Barbara, come here, baby. Barbara Deets.
Wait, wait, wait. Listen to how she talks now. she lives in Florida, so now she's got an accent. What? I don't have an accent. Ooh. weird. that is weird. say water. water. What are you even talking about? why are you saying it like that? that's weird.
All right. say it's dark outside. it's dark outside. I like that. All right. what's the thing that you put your underwear and your bras in? you know, the thing. the drawer. there she is. there's the accent. there it is. how cute. this jacket is amazing. is it pleather? leather. I like leather better. You know what? it's a good time. I never wear leather. it's leather weather. it's leather weather. it's leather weather. it's leather weather. it's leather weather. You know when I wear pleather? Never. Yep.
Well, Jody, I think you look amazing. Thank you. thank you. Betty, getting bigger all the time. Thank you, Mom.
So Barbara, tell us, what are you been up to? Oh, I've been swimming, rollerblading, and taking yoga for seniors. Ooh. yeah. my yoga instructor is here.
I thought he'd be good for your little show. not her. little show, see what she said? You know what, relax. she's your mother. she's your mother. All right? let's bring him out. Lou. hi, ladies. hi, Lou. he called us ladies. Hi, Lou. hello, Lou. hello, Lou. how do you do, Lou? Hello.
Ooh, I love you. Louis, Louis, Louis, Louis, Louis. I love you. look at you. I like the way you do, Lou. I like it. I'm doing it now. Look at his lips. look at his lips. delicious. Look, I just made up a word. delicious and luscious together. delicious. Wowie, wowie, Sowie. I love Lou. Woo, woo, woo.
Lou, so you're a yoga instructor? Yeah. Yeah, Lou, what are you, some kind of human pretzel? Yeah, yeah. you're bendy, Lou. you're real bendy. Yeah, you like downward dog? Huh? you like upward dog? Yeah, you like getting on all fours and doing the cat Cow, Lou. you're like cat cow, like cat cow. Yeah, it's all part of it. don't talk, Lou. you'll ruin it. Now, you're cuter when you keep your mouth shut, Lou. yeah, zip it. You know, he's more than a yoga instructor. he's my, uh, my, uh, special friend.
What's wrong with that? What are you doing? what's wrong? what are you doing? What are you doing? he's my. you got some wrong with the neck? what's wrong with the neck? what are you doing with the neck? What's wrong?
What is that? What is that? what is he, your boyfriend? ding, ding. jackpot. disgusting. You know what? Amazing.
Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you don't deserve pleasure. All right, I don't want to talk about this in front of my mother anymore. Listen, listen. just because you give birth doesn't mean you're not allowed to have an orgasm.
What? I'm just saying. no, no, no, no. He showed me what the letters in yoga stand for. Yeah. Oh, God, again. All right. I'm going to look this.
Listen, I'm talking about this in front of my Mother. in honor of Mother's Day, I would like to take this time to say something to my own mother. Mom, I know I don't say this often enough, but I just wanted to let you know that Garth and Cat are here.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Laura, are you okay? we're sorry. we're sorry. we're sorry. please don't give us a hard time. We know. we know. we're sorry, y'all. sorry. you guys aren't even late. I mean, I don't know how many times you can apologize to you, sir.
Yes, sir. All right. Look, you're fine.
Now, Garth and Cat, I understand you have a whole new album of Mother's Day music. Dude, yes. we worked really hard on these songs and they are really high quality. Well, that's great. I'm really glad to hear you're prepared this time. are we ever? So prepared. yeah. and we are really excited to sing for and near you. And this first one's called, Mom, uh-huh, you're the bomb. that sounds great. let's hear it. You ready? yeah. we can just start whenever we want. we can just start whenever we want.
And you taught me how to read. you taught me how to read. But you forgot. one word. one word. one word. Two words. one word.
Can you hear? Why didn't you tell me?
I'm sorry. I got to stop you. I hate to stop you guys.
But you haven't been here in 12 months. Okay. and you had a full year to work on this.
And that's what you sing. That was terrible. Hey! there was a song, a song about being taught to read by your mother who forgot to teach you the word conniption. That was really bad.
And let me just tell you, this is Mother's Day. there are millions of moms out there. listening. and I feel like you just put no effort into this. no effort? Come on! Okay. listen to this next song and see if you think there's no effort, Okay? Because it's based on my very complicated relationship with my mother. and it's called. there's no time for mothers. But there's no time for the non-mothers. because I got a good feeling about everything they say. But no one's going to tell you the difference.
I'm sorry. that's the title? that's the title. that's it, Yeah. Yeah, yeah. we're going to go with, um, twist away time. twist away time. But in the end we went with. oh, Mother! you're skipping me all the time. the same thing as always. because it's a real thing. because it's a real thing. a real one. I got that one. What's that? You know it! that's too long a title for a song. that's what we thought you would be doing about it. that's what we thought you would. But you know what? let's just try.
Because, Mom, this one's for you. Oh! Mom! Mom! there's Venezuela and a bunch of other countries like Italy, and a bunch of other countries like Italy, and a bunch of other countries like Italy and a bunch of other countries.
Don't be late, don't be late, don't be late, because we're gonna complain, complain, complain, and we're gonna let her do everything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, stop, stop, stop, stop.
I counted on you guys. you did? I counted on you, and you're just not, you're not prepared, you Have to go.
What, please? Oh my God. please, please, please, please, please, please, please. We came all the way from the White House. you guys came, you came all the way here from Washington, D.c. What? Oh, I see, I see. no, no, no, we came from a White House. it's a different thing. you have to go, you have to go. No, no, please, please, please. is it really important to me? Please, I'll let you sleep with my wife. Wait, is that you?
No, no, no, no, no. we're just friends. Yeah. all right, you guys gotta go, bye. No, no. please, we have to sing one more song. infinity more. Please, Infinity plus one. No, you can sing one more. Yay, Okay, one more, Okay. you're really gonna love this one. we even have music. that we play ourselves. Okay, great. we're done. this one's called Mom's Jam.
Hit it. what? I mean, this is fantastic. Thank you for taking me to the day and just all the time. I fell for it again. Garth the Cat, everybody. I say, Lisa, that lemon meringue was incredible.
Oh, yeah, I think you're gonna fit in just fine around here. Well, thank God. it's always a tough movement to a new neighborhood, especially with the boys. yeah, boys their age should be a handful, a lot of horseplay. Well, if they're anything like their parents, I'm sure they're both lovely. would y'all like to meet them? Oh, okay, sure.
Boys, get down here. come eat the Campbells. get off me, Terry! get off me! don't spit! don't spit it! Uh, maybe we should go. Yeah, it's getting pretty late. No, you can't! I'm not even trying! you're right, get off me! get off me, fool! Do it, Steve! Boys, God damn it, that's enough. the hell y'all think you're doing? come on, now. nothing, sir. sorry, sir. sorry, sir. y'all want the hose again, or y'all gonna be good boys? good boys, sir. sorry, sir. we're gonna be good boys, sir.
All right, boys. this is Mr. and Mrs. Campbell. introduce yourselves. Hi, Mr. Campbell.
I'm Jared. I'm in sixth grade. I'm Spencer. his friends like me more than they like him.
No, they don't! shut up! you shut up, boys! I said that's enough! Stop it now! I don't think he'd do it again! No! no!
I'm sorry. Spencer, come show the Campbells what you've been working on. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm really not comfortable anymore.
Hey, do you keep a hose inside the house? Yes. um, Mr. and Mrs. Campbell, this is kind of a dance I came up with. What? dude, that's my dance! No, that's not even how you do it! Yes, it is. I made it up in my room. you were spying on me. then why can I do this? Oh!
Mr. and Mrs. Campbell! this is the dance, right? Mr. and Mrs. Campbell! Is this the dance? I'm sorry. Mr. and Mrs. Campbell! Which one's the dance? Mr. and Mrs. Campbell! that's not the dance!
You're Dead! No! Spencer broke the wall! Stop it Now! I told you! Stop It! Okay, that's enough! this behavior is unacceptable. the hell's gotten into y'all tonight?
Is this Paul? He's a loser! Well, I'm a loser. Well, you're an accident. Did I tell him? No.
Paul. Paul!
Wait. What? Oh, my God. Jared, Don't Do This. Tell Him, Dad. No. What's that? What's he talking about, Dad? Oh, God. Okay. yeah, Spence. initially, we weren't planning on having a second. Why are you telling him this? Don't Do this.
What?
I, um, no- I'm- I'm now supposed to be a part of the family? Well. no, but honey, look, we might not have expected you. but it was the best surprise we've never had. That's right. that's enough now. we're a family, okay? that's right now. let's stop. give each other a kiss. Oh, I don't want it. Boys, kiss each other for the Campbells. come on. Other: There you go.
I'm so sorry our boys are so rambunctious. They just have too much energy. Yeah, I still haven't figured out how to masturbate.
Oh, and that's apple picking season. So come down to Chicken's Apple Farm. Ah hello, I'm Deborah Chicken and I'm her sister. Every year, thousands of families visit our Pick Your Own Apple Farm for their share of fall fun. Located in the part of New York State that has Confederate flags, why pick apples? We'll just ask any of our satisfied customers. I never picked apples before, but now I have.
I had fun. I think it was cute, far but cute. A lot of bees. I stepped in a gopher hole and broke my foot. but my girlfriend have fun.
For just $45 you can bring home $10 worth of apples. select from our varieties like huge soft, tiny hard green orange and apple. What are apples lack in flavor?
They make up for in on the ground. They get the dears drunk.
You'll pick apples under the watchful eye of our farmhand Hank. He's a troubled man who came with the land and we pay him in dentistry. Hi, I'm Hank.
I will take you to the one tree that's working this year. Our apples are best during a very specific window of time and whenever you come you just missed it. Still not feeling picky. Listen to this. My girlfriend picked an apple. So wrong she put a whole branch off a tree.
Now Hank says we owe three grand heading zoo. Tell him Hank, we found some animals and now they're in prison. You can pet them if you pay me. We have goats sheep. Also got donkey ride. Did you know donkeys can be depressed?
The other day I heard him say stop Just like that, stop. He's like eeyore with a plan.
We ain't just apples. We got peaches in theory, cherries in theory and strawberries in theory. And don't pass up our cider donuts. Their donuts, but from yesterday and be sure to take home some of our penis gourds. That's right, they came out extra penis this year. Want to hear more about us?
People usually don't wear unmarried sisters. My hair's been in one braid for 40 years and now it grows that way. I'm 28.
It's Halloween, almost. Do your spooky activities with us. Our haunted hayride is staffed entirely by local teen boys who take things way too far. They're good boys, but if they pull you off the hayride, fight like hell. The masks make them behave different. mob mentality. I have to be honest with you, they scare the hell out of me. So come cosplay outdoorsiness with us.
Does our business make a profit? No. How do we afford to live simple?
I wrote the screenplay for 50 First Dates based on myself. They changed it a lot. They do chickens, apple farm.
Maybe just go to the store. Say water, water? Yeah.
See, it's dark outside. It's dark.
Oh all right. What's what's the thing that you put your underwear and your bras in? You know the thing? The drawer There she is. It's back. You're cute. This jacket is amazing. Is it clever? Leather. I like leather better. You know what? It's a good time.
I never wear leather. It's leather. weather. It's leather weather. You know, when I wear leather.
Never. Yeah.
Well Jody I think you look amazing. Thank you thank you Betty. Getting bigger all the time. Thank you Barbara.
Tell us what are you been up to. Oh I've been swimming, rollerblading and taking yoga for seniors. My yoga instructor is here.
I thought he'd be good for your little show little show. See what she said? You know what? Relax she's let's bring him out.
Hi ladies, hello. He called us ladies hello to you.
How do you do Look at his lips? Look at his lips Delicious look.
I just made up a word. delicious and luscious. Together, it's a luscious while we. Wow.
So you're a yoga instructor? Yeah, yeah. What Are you some kind of human pretzel? Yeah, yeah. you're Bendy Lou. You're real. Ben. Do you like downward dog? Huh? You're like upward. Do you like getting on all fours and doing the cat?
Cow Lou. Yeah, it's all part of talk Lou. You'll ruin it when you keep your mouth shut. Yeah, Zip it.
You know he's more than a yoga instructor. He's my my special friend.
What's wrong? What are you doing? He's my oh yes, I'm wrong connection. What's wrong with the neck? What are you doing with the neck? What's right?
Wait, what Is that? What Is he? A boyfriend? Ding Ding? You know what?
Amazing. Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you don't deserve pleasure. All right. I don't want to talk about this in front of my mother anymore. Doesn't mean you're not allowed to have no. I guess what you're saying No, No, no. He showed me what the letters in yoga stand for. Yeah. Oh God.
Mother's Day. I would like to take this time to say something to my own mother Mom.
I know I don't say this often enough, but I just wanted to let you know the Garth and cat are here. Sorry you guys aren't even late. Oh, I mean, I don't know how many times you can apologize to you sir.
All right. Look, you're fine. now. I understand you have a whole new album of Mother's Day music. Dude. Yes, we worked really hard on these songs and they are really high quality. Well, that's great. I'm really glad to hear you're prepared this time. Are we ever? yeah And we are really excited to sing for and near you. And its first one's called Mom. Uh-huh You're the bomb. That sounds great. Let's hear it. You ready? Yeah, we just count. You can just start whenever you want.
And you taught me how to read. You taught me how to read.
But you got one word to do the words. One word.
Can you tell me I'm sorry? I gotta. I gotta stop you. I I hate to stop you guys. but you haven't been here in 12 months.
Okay, and you had a full year to work on this and that's what you saying That was terrible. Hey, there was a song song about being taught to read by your mother who forgot to teach you the word conniption. That was really bad.
Let me just tell you there are. This is Mother's Day. There are millions of moms out there listening and I feel like you just put no effort. Okay, listen to this next song and see if you think there's no effort. Okay, because it's based on my very complicated relationship with my mother. and it's called there's every Time for Mothers But there's no Time for the mother.
That's the title. Yeah, we're gonna go with them. Twist away time. But in the end we went with that's too long a title for a song. Hey, that's what we thought you. But you know what? Let's just let's just try Cuz Mom, this one's for you. Stop stop stop stop stop.
I counted on you guys. You did. I count on you And you're You're just not. You're not prepared.
You have to go all the way from the White House. You guys came. You came all the way here from Washington Dc.
Oh I see. I see.
No no, no, we came from a White House a different day. You have to go. You know it's really important to me. Please, I'll let you sleep with my wife. Wait, is that you? No, No, no, no, no, Yeah. All right you guys got to go. Bye infinity more. No, you can take one more.
Okay, okay okay. you're really gonna love this one. We even have music that we play ourselves. This one's called Mom's Jam. Hit it, Guard the cat everybody. Lisa that lemon meringue was incredible. Oh yeah, I think you're gonna fit in just fine around here. Well, thank God it's always.
It's tough movement to a new neighborhood. especially with the boys. Yeah, boys. their age should be a handful. A lot of horseplay. Well, if they're anything like their parents, I'm sure they're both lovely. Would y'all like to meet them? Oh okay, sure. boys. get down here. Come meet the Campbell's I'm not even trying boys.
God damn it. That's enough. How do you all think you're doing? Come on now. Sorry, Sorry. Y'all want the hose again?
Or y'all gonna be good boys. Good boys. Who can be good boys?
All right Boys, This is Mr. and Mrs. Campbell. Introduce yourselves. I'm just a Mr. Campbell.
I'm Jared. I'm in sixth grade. I'm Spencer. His his friends like me more than I like him.
What you've been working on? Yeah, I don't know. I'm really not comfortable anymore.
You keep a hose inside the house. Mr. Mr. Mr. Campbell.
This is kind of a dance I came up with. Dude, that's my dance.
No, you do it. Just it is. I made it up in my room. You were spying on me. then. why can I do this? I told you. Okay, that's enough.
This behavior is unacceptable. What's gotten into y'all tonight is this fall. He's a loser. Oh, I'm a loser. Well, you're an accident.
Dad. Tell him. No, Wait what. Oh my God. Jared, Don't do this. Tell him Dad. No, What's he. What's he talking about? Okay, yes, fence.
Initially, we weren't planning on having a second. Why are you telling him this? I'm not. I'm not supposed to be part of the family. Well, no. but honey, we might not have expected you, but it was the best surprise we've ever had.
That's right. that's enough. Now we're a family. Okay, that's right.
Give each other a kiss. Oh, I don't want that. Boys kiss each other. For the Campbell's Come on, kiss each other. There you go.
I'm so sorry. our boys are so rambunctious. they just have too much energy. Yeah, still haven't figured out how to masturbate.
Oh, and that's apple picking season. So come down to Chicken's Apple Farm. Ah hello. I'm Deborah Chicken and I'm her sister. Every year, thousands of families visit our Pick Your Own Apple Farm for their share of fall fun. Located in the part of New York State that has Confederate flags, why pick apples? We'll just ask any of our satisfied customers. I never picked apples before, but now I have.
I had fun. I think it was cute, far but cute. A lot of bees. I stepped in a gopher hole and broke my foot but my girlfriend have fun.
For just $45 you can bring home $10 worth of apples, select from our varieties like huge, soft, tiny hard green, orange and apple. What are apples lack in flavor?
They make up for in on the ground. they get the deers drunk. You'll pick apples under the watchful eye of our farmhand Hank. He's a troubled man who came with the land and we pay him in dentistry. Hi, I'm Hank.
I will take you to the one tree that's working this year. Our apples are best during a very specific window of time and whenever you come you just missed it. Still not feeling picky? Listen to this. My girlfriend picked an apple so wrong she put a whole branch off a tree.
Now Hank says we owe three grand heading zoo. Tell him Hank.
We found some animals and now they're in prison. You can pet them if you pay me. We have goats. sheep. Also got donkey ride. Did you know donkeys can be depressed?
The other day I heard him say stop. Just like that. stop. He's like eeyore with a plan.
We ain't just apples. We got peaches in theory, cherries in theory, and strawberries in theory. And don't pass up our cider donuts. They're donuts, but from yesterday. And be sure to take home some of our penis gourds. That's right, they came out extra penis this year.
Want to hear more about us? people? usually don't? We're unmarried sisters. My hair has been in one braid for 40 years and now it grows that way. I'm 28.
It's Halloween, almost. Do your spooky activities with us. Our haunted hayride is staffed entirely by local teen boys who take things way too far. They're good boys, but if they pull you off the hayride, fight like hell. The masks make them behave different mob mentality. I have to be honest with you. they scare the hell out of me. So come cosplay outdoorsiness with us.
Does our business make a profit? No. How do we afford to live? Simple.
I wrote the screenplay for 51st Dates based on myself. They changed it a lot. They did Chicken's Apple Farm. Maybe just go to the store. |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Parents_Release_Annual_Ranking_Of_Top_50_Perfectly_Good_State_Schools | Good news for college-bound students, as the nation's parents just released their yearly list of the top 50 perfectly good state schools. The level-headed mothers and fathers rank the colleges and universities that are pretty darn good for the price, considering students can learn the same things anywhere. Choosing a college is one of the most important investments families will make. We want students to know that there are a lot of schools out there that are just fine and won't kill you to give them a chance. The parents' list includes dozens of absolutely acceptable schools, including the University of North Alabama, which the report notes has a football team just like Stanford. And Appalachian State University reached No. 15 on the list for its library that has all the same books as any Ivy League school's library. While many other parents noted that Wolf Blitzer went to SUNY at Buffalo, that didn't hurt him at all. The lesson from this year's report is, a degree is a degree. When we looked through all the data, we saw that if you work hard and do some clubs, you'll be fine anywhere. The parents' list is broken down into several categories, including perfectly good community colleges and schools your older sister went to and had a great time at. We look at a lot of different criteria.
For example, do they have professors? Do the professors know what they're talking about? What's wrong with these professors?
They look pretty good to me. The report encourages students and families to visit the numerous, decent schools nearby, as everyone might be surprised how pretty and diverse the campuses are. Students at No. 1 pick Kent State say they're not surprised at their school's ranking. I really wanted to go to film school, but this place is OK, I guess. They do have a nice gym.
The publication includes a helpful questionnaire to assist students, including questions like, do you think your mother and I are millionaires? And does any one school have a copyright on Ivy? The report also points out that you didn't care about school for four years, and now all of a sudden you're a scholar?
I went to the University of Wisconsin. They got lots of old buildings there, too. You saying you're too good for my alma mater? These state schools are just as good.
The tour guide goes there. He seems to like it.
Of course, this list of colleges is not the only helpful resource for high school students, as the nation's cold businessman fathers just released their annual You Will Go to Yale issue. Next up, how giving up soda could give you something to talk about at work. |
dropout | there_are_no_dinosaurs_in_alien_tournament_of_champions_pt_3 | From Mad Max to Mad Mardigan, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. And today, a very special Um, Actually Tournament of Champions, three previous winners, back for more Amy Borbo. Hi everyone, looking forward to maybe winning. Let's roll some D20s. Great, and we have Jared Logan. Hi, I'm Jared Logan, and I look forward to subtly hiding my anger each time I correct Mike. All right, and we have Demi Ettuibe. I'm terrified to be here because I'm a big jock and I don't know nothing about this nerd shit.
Everyone trying to set expectations exactly where they want them before we jump into these statements. Now you've all been on here before, you've all won or tied, but if you're new at home, these are false statements about the things you like. It's up to you guys to correct me. You just have to proceed your corrections with the phrase Um, Actually. If you don't, I won't give you the point.
And you can interrupt me whenever you want. As soon as you spot the thing that's wrong, you can buzz right in there and just jump in.
Pretty clear? Mm-hmm, crystal. Crystal.
Um, actually, yes. I'm actually great. Oh yeah, you got it. Yeah, yeah, we got this. Not gonna trick me.
All right, our first statement here then is about alien. In the 1979 classic Alien, Dallas and Lambert returned from investigating a derelict alien spacecraft with their crewmate Kane, who now has an unidentified parasite attached to his face. Despite being reminded of quarantine protocols by other crew members, Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley risks opening the airlock to try to save Kane's life. Demi.
Um, actually, he doesn't return with the parasite on his face. No, no, that's not what we're gonna hear. Um, actually, her first name isn't Ellen. It is, it's Ellen.
Okay, great. Jared. Um, actually, Ripley wants to keep the airlock closed and the other people make her bring the alien on like, idiot, it's a parasite, it's gonna kill you all. Ripley was doing what she should have done. That's right. Absolutely correct, Jared. She was following a protocol. Everyone should, if everyone had just listened to Ripley, things would have been totally fine.
Everyone should just be following orders all the time. Yeah, exactly, follow orders, never question authority.
That's what we're trying to say here on Um, Actually. The message of the movie Alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A very strong message of all corporations and those in power are very good. You can always listen to what they have to say. That's what Alien is all about. It feels like throughout the Alien franchise, there is this issue of like, that's a broad statement to say throughout the Alien franchise.
I guess I'm mostly still just kind of bitter thinking about Prometheus, where there's like a lot of, a lot of people making very dumb moves. So that's like, you should know better than this, right? You're scientists, you're space scientists, you should know to expect some of these issues.
Um, Actually, Prometheus is a great movie and I will not stand for this. I love Prometheus. Please, please, please convince the other one. Prometheus compared to Alien Covenant is great and I think that despite.
Oh, you're just moving the bar, that's this guy. I mean, and I also think it's fun. Um, actually, Demi, Prometheus isn't a good movie, but it has one good scene where the woman does surgery on herself with a robot. That's metal as fuck. It's so cool. That is fair to me.
Um, actually, my bar for movies is extremely low and all of the Alien franchise movies are awesome. And it's just like Jurassic Park for me. If there are dinosaurs and they're eating people, guys, it's great. There are no dinosaurs in Alien though.
Well, that is a point for Jared. Here we go. In The Simpsons, Principal Skinner is typically referred to as Seymour Skinner, even though his true full name is W. Seymour Skinner. If you still don't know what the W stands for, Demi. Um, actually, his full name is Armin Tamsarian. That's close enough, I'm gonna give it to you. Actually, he's born Armin Tamsarian, even though in the episode, The Principal and the Popper, where it was revealed that Seymour Skinner has been living a false life. He took over the name of Seymour Skinner from a former member of his army unit.
Well, the Mad Men. Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say. That's the same plot as in Mad Men. And Mad Men did it later, too, right? Then I did it later. And everyone was like, very serious, very serious.
This was a much loathed episode of The Simpsons. How do people remember things from The Simpsons? It's been on for 47 years. Well, you stop watching it after 12th season or something like that.
I have a fun fact about me. This is very fun.
I've never seen an episode of The Simpsons. Is that true? Because when I grew up in a crazy, in Malay, I don't know, whatever. You did The Malay Show? I did. Okay, you cut off yourself and you start the same thing. I know, that's not the interesting part. Malay Show, that's where The Simpsons is animated, isn't it? My very, very sheltered. I just never got an episode.
And actually, this month, my friends are hosting a Simpsons day where we watch the entire first season for me and another friend who have never seen any of them. Ah, the first season, the best season. Yeah, that is a weird one to start with. Well, I think the goal is every month, we're gonna spend a Sunday and just saturate our brains with weird child voices, I guess. This sounds fun, but it also sounds like the most insufferable thing for a friend to do if it's like, oh, I've never seen this. Well, great, I'm gonna make you watch the whole thing.
Well, that is a point for Demi. In the movie Groundhog Day, Phil Connors is cursed by a bitter ex-girlfriend and thus condemned to relive Groundhog Day repeatedly, always beginning with Sonny and Cher's I Got You Babe playing on the radio. The movie never makes clear how long Phil's trapped in the time loop, but people have suggested anywhere between 10 and 10,000 years. Demi. Actually, he is not cursed by a bitter ex-girlfriend because that scene is cut.
That's correct. Ooh! Oh!
I was like, I know I've seen that scene, but I don't think it's enough. How have I seen that scene? It doesn't exist. Yeah, there was an early draft, an early version where it's like some voodoo or something, but in the final cut of the movie, it's just never explained why the time loop happens. He just enters it and he's just like, yeah, shit happens sometimes.
And it's better that way. I do think it's better that way, yeah.
For a movie where the same thing repeats over and over, it's very tightly edited, you know what I mean? I kept waiting just for it to be, the one thing I remember from Groundhog Day is just Ned, Ned Ryerson. Needlehead Ned! Yeah, I was like, I'm actually a...
Well, you do. I don't know if it's, but with these questions, you kind of, the thing that you know about the thing triggers to the front and you're like, uh-huh, Ned Ryerson's coming. That totally makes sense, because the weird thing is, as many episodes of this show I've done, I've never sat in this seat, so I don't really know what it feels like to be like trying to scan your brain for like, it's like I heard a clue word, what do I know about this? It's just a series of folders. I was hoping you were gonna say like, oh, it's at seven o'clock. We're like, no, it's a six. It's a six thing that he wakes up. I know the time, don't get me. We see it a bunch. Yeah, you just wanna buzz in and go, I know something.
Yeah, okay. Well, that's another point for Demi. All right.
Greatfully, Peter Jackson chose not to include the full exchange from the iconic Riddles in the Dark chapter of The Hobbit in his films. In the book, Bill Bone Gollum exchanged a full 10 riddles with one another, with these correct answers. Mountain, teeth, wind, sun shining on daisies, darkness, egg, fish, mirror, time, and the one ring of power. Yes, Jared. They don't exchange, actually, they don't exchange 10 riddles. It is 10 riddles, that amount is correct.
I don't think so. No, no, you'd like to. Actually, I'm gonna say mirror is not one of them. That's correct, mirror is not one of the answers given in Riddles in the Dark. Do you know what it is? I'm just gonna give you the point, anyway, but I'm just curious to see if you can dredge it up.
I think I would have to hear The Riddle, but I read those over, for some reason, that chapter captivated me. It's got a very Joseph Campbellian, mythic kind of like. Yeah, I was playing, we've all probably played D&D, but at an early age, that's where you go for Riddles. That's where I went, so I would just use those over. Wait, D&D or The Hobbit is where you went for Riddles. I think it's weird that you needed a place to go to for a Riddle supply. They don't have Riddles in Malaysia. Why is that weird? No, when you're like 12, you're like, I don't know. You need a Riddle for your campaign, and the only place you've heard. I needed a Riddle for my D&D campaign.
You've never been stuck under a bridge? Yeah, you're right. You ever talked to a train before?
I have had to stop three goats from getting by. Do you remember what the Riddle was? Yeah, it's the stupidest, it's the stupidest thing, so the action. You better calm down how you're talking about J.R. Look, fish on a little one-legged table, man at table sitting on a three-legged stool, the cat gets the bones, is the answer to the Riddle.
It's my favorite Tom White song. Yeah, that's my favorite Tom White song.
Yeah. I do remember reading that, I just said that, I wouldn't have chosen it, but yeah, no, I wouldn't have been able to recite that. Yeah, that's a lot. But it also is like, that's way too complicated an answer for a Riddle. Like, you're inventing too much at that point if it's like, oh, what am I?
I have three legs in here. It's like, oh, well, it's a three-legged stool, a three-legged man, a cat with two legs, and they're eating some stuff.
It's like, well, yeah, you can answer any Riddle if you invent anything you want, you know? Great, well, this brings us to our first shiny question of the game.
This is a game called Name That Vampire. On the other side of this sheet, there are 12 vampires from across different media. Whoever can name the most vampires will get the point. And by name, you mean give them names. I mean, yes, a sign of names that you think, you look at them, it's like, you know what, you look like a Steve. I'm just gonna give them all car model names. Flip it over and let's see how many you can get. Here we are, 12 angry vampires. Couple of these, maybe a bit of a gimme, couple of them a little harder, but we're here to represent the diversity of vampires.
Oh God, oh God. That bottom row's a killer.
All right, you guys are all locked in, you think you're as guessed as you're gonna get? Yeah. Yeah, okay, we will go down the line.
Okay, I think the first one is just Dracula. And we've got Nosferatu, then Edward Cullen, then Lestat, then Count Chocula, and then Bun-Bun, I think, and then James, and then The Count, and then, what did I say for him, Father Mister, and then Yaris, because that is the name of the car. Yeah, Elvira and nope for the last one.
Very good, well, you have five, maybe six, kind of trying to decide whether to count one of them. You should. But Jared, why don't you tell us what we got here? Okay, oh, sorry. Oh wow, mine are, I can do this though, okay? So Dracula, Nosferatu, as portrayed by Mac Shrek in the Murnell classic. Does that help? I'm not gonna give you extra points in the end.
Edward Cullen from The Thing That Ruined Vampires, Lestat, Count Chocula, Bun-icula, Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Count, the often shirtless dude from True Blood, Fangs Riley, Lily Munster, and for this guy, I just put Raven Dark Shadow. Okay, well Jared looks like an eight in a maybe, so Demi, what do you got here? All right, I got Dracula, Nosferatu, Edward, Lestat, Count Chocula, Bun-icula, Spike, The Count, Steven from True Blood, Marceline, Elvira, and then Video Game, and then I crossed it out and wrote Warcraft. It is a video game, it is not Warcraft.
Let's see what you did here, let's see, that's eight in a maybe, so tied with Jared. What's the maybe? The maybe is the count, the count is, he does have a full name, I wanted to see if anyone would get the full name, which is Count Von Count, yes. But you all said the count, I'm inclined to just kind of. You know, I just said Von Count with you.
That's true. Just that I knew it. Well, I can't guarantee that the others didn't either. I'm gonna count it for all of you, which is the same as not counting it for any of you. But you all got Dracula, Nosferatu, Edward Cullen, Lestat, Count Chocula, things started off pretty easy for everyone going down the way. Now Bun-icula, Amy you missed, Jared and Demi got, same with. Oh really? Interesting. I knew that. And that's it for this episode of Um, Actually. It's not.
There's way more of this episode over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I'll be right here. Well, I'll be over there. I mean, I'll be in both places at once because this is just, there's more.
Technology. Sci-fi and fantasy books often have titles like a thing of something else, a blank, a blank. Thank you, I wish someone this game would have said that. |
Wizards_with_Guns | getting_called_on_first_to_give_your_presentation | Pizza Potamus Pizza Potamus is a Pizza Potter is a hippopotamus if he's a he's a he's pizza crazy He cannot get enough of this stuff he bottom line pizza Excuse me his name is Mike Isn't his name pizza Potamus. No. He is a pizza Potamus is a pizza Potamus All the kids love pizza Potamus from his pizza hat to the free samples from his pizza thermos Pizza Potamus is known for his classic catchphrase, and he says all the time I'm Chinese Does pizza Potamus have any cool talents or tricks? No he mostly works. He works Yeah, he works at the bus stop. You mean the bus station. No the stop. So he drives the bus No, he just stands by the bench Doing what his job?
Does anyone have any questions? Sorry I was in the OR this morning I had a Pendectomy you mean an appendectomy. No I had a pen removed Plus I ate a whole pizza for lunch to get into character So you're in character right now. No I was gonna do a skit, but I chickened out last minute oh That's okay, we don't really have time, okay, I'll do it So Is there pizza in this thermos? Okay? You know what never mind pizza Potamus is more of a warm-up Just sort of a joke to get our juices flowing. I got all kinds of characters ready way better than some pizza themed hippo Buckle up aardvark is an aardvark with a nose for Greek cuisine If you're hungry for fun, he does not reciprocate this. What is this for? like a restaurant or Cereal, I don't know ask him.
He's the CEO. I'm not the CEO.
Well, well then who is Lasagna snake is 10 feet tall. I knew it Pizza Potamus is a hippopotamus. He's pizza The pizza part of his he's a hippo he's a pizza. He's a hippopotamus. He's all the kids love pizza pot |
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