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cracked | what_is_life_without_a_girlfriend_quorators_podcast | Yep, yep, yep Quora boys and again back in the studio where the Quora boys. Let's get it And welcome back to Quora Raiders season 2 now on crack calm home of the fact I'm Alex And this is Jeremy. What's going on? What's going on Quora boys? Here's the thing I've realized I've started doing here.
Give me the glasses. Give me the glass He's not here and he'll be mad cuz the light will reflect. Okay, we're getting in trouble if we do that We're worried. We'll upset our cameraman who isn't in the isn't here.
Anyway, I've noticed I've been doing finger guns every dance And it worries me that that's my go-to dance your thoughts violent Alex Compelled to shoot a gun Very interesting For all of the people who are always writing in to say you I never see you at the club or the bank Sure If I were at the club with my move be finger guns because you can't do that for very long in a dance setting And if you're at the bank people will think you're not trying to rob the draw. They'll lie on the ground They'll gasps. Oh, yeah He's got a finger gun. Look out. It's a killing spree killing spree Stuff about our country that's what so if I was in Spain this wouldn't be happening.
Anyway, the show is really Quora's This is our third podcast of the day it's gonna be a silly one check out those bonuses How's it going crack calm? Thanks for checking in after our Kyle Canadian episode. This one's gonna be just a silly boys at Thanks for cracking it. Thanks for cracking it. These cores are cracked now.
We got some cracked cores for you What do we got first on the agenda today first we have We have last week's yeah last week's core last week on Quora This was a joke that we put on here no, no you joke argument shouldn't stand your ground laws apply to abortions Huh? It let's see if anybody threatens to kill us Question is I feel like the idea is that for those who weren't there last week if there's a baby in your body They're trespassing on you shouldn't you be allowed to kill it on account of stand your ground laws and everybody else Seems to think that we're like can I kill pregnant people? Why would that be what it means? I don't although I will admit when he was saying it I got really stuck on like should the baby legally have a right to kill you if you get yeah Deadly force to protect themselves.
No, I'm not the only one though. I'm not the only one who is like, okay So he finds the doctor years later, and then he says you tried to get rid of me. I really like this one this is a guy whose name is Ed Cox and His picture is the Confederate flag.
Oh So we know he's a I don't know unique right-wing man And he says how could you think stand your ground is anything to do with a right to commit murder? Due to your negligent selfishness and poor planning actually As your door was unlocked in the Texas chainsaw masquers happening. Yeah so no That's pretty much the whole point of stand your ground Is that like if a group of young teenage girls drives into your driveway you can kill them? Yeah It's specifically to stop the clockwork orange gang. Yes getting to yes We all know that they're coming for us because they're so twisted They're gonna drink milk in your home and commit violations on you fight here too for unheard of you Legally could strap them down to a chair and open their eyes and drip water into that while making them watch based YouTube videos Watch mr. Beast so they start dabbing until they become the world's greatest content creators Hi, this is corridors of Jeremy. This is We can crack back home of the fact over the fact anyway So it says if someone looks at you strangely you can shoot them.
How would that apply to pregnancy? Wait, I really like this one conspiracy here is guy says no because babies can't stand got my ass Oh That's really the same reason you can't shoot wheelchair bound people next question Someone says sir, you're in favor of killing the pregnant person which would kill the fetus in order to show that you're pro life I don't understand why everyone's used in this way How did that confuse you back the question they're answering is should a pregnant person invade your home with intent to kill? It's just like a completely different scenario now the funny Pointed in this whole class today is a related question on Cora that is just a better worded version of our question Impossible if a woman feels that an unwanted fetus is a threat to her life. Can she apply a stand-your-ground law to get an abortion?
That is just what we were asking Yeah, I don't know people are just like no someone says that only applies to shooting unarmed black men That is that is I mean edgy, but that's kind of true. Hey, I didn't say it Frank Frank Lucas airy said it look you got their ass Yeah, by the way, we're gonna say everyone's whole name If you should end up on our show you get a star let us send us an email We'll send you a gold star in the mail. Yes, we will do that. Yeah coordinators merch Alright, let's start off with something a little bit less intense and get into the quiz course our politics segment This is where we discuss politics, it's not that kind of show except what it is in the quiz course Welcome to Corators the only politics podcast on the internet this first question comes to you from Quora calm.
What is a Podcast three Why do so many euro pores with fancy college degrees who make four or five figure salaries in pesos? No less stay in Europe instead of coming to the land of opportunity Now I guess my question for this is what does this mean? Well, the question Jeremy is why do so many euro pores and these are with fancy college degrees being four or five figure salaries in pesos No less. Yeah pesos Why do they say in Europe is I coming to the land of opportunity and the reason is why are they gonna be paid in pesos? They can't they can't imagine the money. They don't got the money mindset Pesos they tend to their rocky Dean Arden for pesos. I'm so confused I Could see okay, so imagine that you have a fancy college degree in euro and euro euro for sure You could maybe just not move to America because you're scared of all the murder Yeah, that is the big stir You know how we just answered a question about like when it's okay to shoot people to death Like they don't really have to ask the answer in the US is kind of like whenever you feel like it a Rarely well-behaved women rarely make history time to shoot people Well You'd be surprised to hear that one of the two answers is this guy John who says because that land is filled with violence hatred Dishonesty and poor medical care that awaits with more places in the less developed world I'm I'm an incredibly English core user guys from New York.
He went to NYU Hey lives in France. Oh, no, he knows about France. He moved to France In France, but he went to NYU so he's a using your report.
He yeah, he's a euro poor and he's getting defensive Oh, wait, is he talking about us? Yeah, I thought it's about your dude. He's talking about us right? Oh, no Oh, he's talking shit about us, dude.
Oh, I'm so old He's over in France. Well in in Paris in Paris He's having his long phallic red France and he's developing all kinds of diseases that can be treated there for free Mom bread, it's like a penis. That's really good. But the thing is he gets I know the word is pan. It's pong Yeah, he's a he's a euro poor bro. He's triggered. He's triggered and this is this is a politics bug Yes, the word euro poor le penny The word euro poor is gonna stick with me for I like it the next several months euro poor Europeans don't turn pesos is the other answer Someone says hi troll.
Why would we move to Australia or New Zealand got a Greg? Thank you, Greg I'm who oh so here someone says many do but not everyone likes living in Australia bad Mean if you say the land of opportunity, we know we're talking about the US.
I don't care dude Our country sucks, but that's the one that's number one. We're number one baby number one. That's undisputed fact What are we number one it shut the fuck up?
We have up to six figures and pesos in our I forgot the question. I want to do first. Okay. Well, we'll go back to it this question. I found was from ten years ago It's is the word correlation the best one to describe what we're doing here So everyone is written in and said that we have a compute confusing name for our show and they don't know like what the word means Yeah Up to ten years ago scholars were asking They were asking for if it's correlation. So it says yes. Yes I think the curation aspect could use more emphasis since some are not getting it. All right Well, you know what? We're also running into this problem Joseph Boyle.
What else would you what? How would you change it?
I think it's fine. It's fine the way it is. We haven't made any merch We're considering gold stars Tom says I do not believe that correlation is the best descriptor of the activity of quorins or whatever we are But I don't know what it is. I tell people that I asked quora blah blah blah But when I talk about answers, I refer to the specific person's name that answered Huh, I think it's fine. I think it's good.
What did you know? You're living in 2013. Yeah, you dumbass Oh, it's from 12 years ago.
I'm excited for the next Guardians of the galaxy It's yeah, I'm like guess what they make the frickin raccoon sad. They make Groot dies I Or Groot dies, you're not too attached to Groot welcome to crash We got a group on the soundboard groot Can we find like the Spanish one cuz you know Vin Diesel did the language and it ever it's yo soy group Yes, I could have fun group Well grew it up on the YouTube Yeah, baby. Normally it's a party foul to leave quora, but we're gonna break the rules here Thank you Groot that was our friend Groot Subscribe to the channel. We got a lot of That's Vin Diesel saying that They really had him saying he did every language He was so apparently he begged to be in Marvel and he like tried to start a fake campaign that he was gonna play some character And Marvel was like no you cannot just do a thing where you put your profile picture It's like a fucking convo character. So then they let her be fruit, bitch Yeah, like you could have one sentence and then he was like gonna do it every language of the record fine There's like rush week for Vin Diesel. He hopes he gets in Marvel They're gonna have him try out his Groot in Portuguese. Could I say just sweet Groot and they're like whatever, dude Yeah, whatever man is like shit.
What if I could be uh, yo soy spider-man? Is that a possibility?
He also famously like tried to become Aragorn in what are the rings? He loves what are the rings and they're like you are Vin Diesel. It doesn't make any sense You can't be Aragorn. Imagine Aragorn with no hairs like a skinny Santa We all have a role in society. You cannot be Aragorn.
You're Groot, bitch And you die and you come back as a seed sapling yeah now you're a baby Groot Yeah, yo soy baby. That's what you get for asking to be other things. You're baby All right, we gotta read more questions Back to the politics one.
What are some good ways to insult someone from Singapore? Ah Huh, honey, the Singapore expert has logged on do you have an answer for this? What do you think? Hey? Hey, how do Singapore's with four or five figure salaries and pesos no less do you tell I spelled it differently? Yes, Singapore's Singapore's Somebody oh great top comment here your food is shit all of it That's pretty good.
That's good for any country. You got him You can use that for the US. Absolutely.
Yeah food is shit All of it really hammers rough This one see a lot of Singaporeans coming back from that one Jeremy Can I translate this I don't I want to train I want to look it up before I say it You don't I mean people keep taking Jeremy out of context. It's really hard for don't listen to the oh We can't talk about that yet next week's episode All right. Let's see what language they speak in Singapore. This is already not worth the effort Yeah, they speak Malay All right Please cut this from the plug. It's gonna be cut up.
It didn't work.
Okay, who cares? Who cares is what we're saying Let's read something else. Yeah, we're done with that one And the way you insult them is you tell them their food is shit.
Yeah, or some racist stuff I'm not gonna say I'm pretty sure Singapore's like a small island nation So you could insult the size of their conquests Someone says it's amazing how you have built such a wonderful city-state just starting from money-wandering and serving Western Multinationals and banks. They are not gonna recover Me Yeah, I bet a Genghis Khan enjoyed the landmass you have accrued over the course of a weekend good sir Yeah loser. Yeah, you dick for eyes your eyes are dicks This again, I could've swore I've seen this question before except that it instead of Singapore it was Sweden What this again, I got the guys like oh my god, I'm sick of this question granted last time It was Sweden, which is a very different country. This is of course going from Felix. Laura. It's who is it? So that's cold this reason he answers every question by like I'm sorry by Singapore. Did you mean Sweden? That's where I live look what his qualification is No, Swedish this motherfucker. Oh my god He thinks he does so much about Singapore just cuz he goes to high school in Sweden Yeah I hope is this young man is an adult and that I can feel good about trashing him like this someone said How do I fart on the Swedish flag and Felix says what kind of weird question is that? Honestly Felix great point That's totally fair Someone says say that chili crab is a Malaysian dish. Oh, they hate it in Singapore.
They don't like that It's a podcast where you learn to yeah, it's not it's not like a dumb show no People know no one even thinks no one even thinks that I like this last one Why would you want to insult anyone? You're what is wrong with the world mind your own fucking business? It really took an aggressive turn at the end. Yeah, damn kind of started with like a we're all friends here thing Yeah, and it's kind of like mafia style. Okay, so this is this is my favorite one in the bun I really like this one. It's not a political show.
It's not a politics show Question for you core listener if you cross pads Riddle me this riddle me that if you cross pads with Donald fucking I want to say this perfectly so I can get it for a little to get it in three Jeremy in three If you cross pads with Donald Trump, what words would you use to insult him? I'd call him a Pavlovian talk and keep talking to make sure he couldn't get a word in edgewise All right, so someone who passed the dog up on the street was like I didn't know they had Pavlovian dogs here It's Donald Trump, I didn't know I was at the Pavlovian dog a park Ring ring ring ring. Oh, are you salivating you dog? our Mr. Former president any other habitual pathologies we could discover with your behavior. Mr. Trump What a dog you Pavlovian dog Jeremy what insult he's not down Trump Don't jump comes to your house.
Yeah, so I'm here on your girl. Oh my god. I'm like damn. I'm like you I don't know what I'm saying. He's so hard. Yeah He would probably own me.
I think I would I would say something like hey Wait, no, I got one like hey jerk Donald Trump the carrot aisle is back at the grocery store not on my wife's hands that you're kissing I would just yeah, I would I would I'm assuming he's like done something to me I'm just kind of muttering under everything like small hands and he's like what'd you say and I'm like nothing nothing No, you said something and I'm like a small small hands. I'm gonna leave Yeah, it's kind of sad and that happened to me you Pavlovian dog The Trump defenders are online for this one. Mmm. Some of them don't like him. What? Oh, this guy says I guess I guess Trump better never wander into your trailer park I deleted the rock-and-roll cue so we can't do that one anymore. That's a damn shame Someone says why would you bother yesterday's man?
So instead To actually insult Donald Trump any comparison with animals plants and animal objects and the like is an insult to those and a compliment To mr. Trump what mr. Trump loves to be called the dog He recognizes the keen mind Um wag wag mr. President, I really don't think it's possible to insult him like he seems to have no shame Yeah, it'd be like insulting Groot. Yeah, pretty much And he's like I am grew I am yo soy Groot yo soy Donald Trump You can chop him down, but he'll just be baby Donald Trump Wouldn't that be cute?
We should have done this one first I said the first thing as far as like we do that the bait one last it's gonna come out crazy But yeah, this is our cup that all right. That's holy shit. That's how I take down that old ruffian I think Trump is bad. Who's next always? Let's do the Quoker, okay Welcome to the Quoker our incel Man-Is-Fear and just general cool ninja questions These are the questions that men go in their own way. We'll ask on Quora comm this question is How do you want to see yourself after 20 years? Okay? I thought this was a really good answer because it's generally people like really waxing on about Their ambitions and their future This this person has a very specific vision of that where first of all I want to ask Jeremy Where do you see yourself after 20 years plotting revenge against Donald Trump for stealing my wife? Oh my god That's where you want to see here? That's a best-case scenario Really dark I want to be in space I want to be doing some kind of space Miserable I have do not have the qualifications to be doing this, but I get sick on a boat in 20 minutes in 19 years You can shoot me into the void.
I'm 29 right now. So I'll be 49 in 20 years. Ooh and ladies. He's illegal Yeah, I'm legal but in 20 years, all right well this guy says so about 20 years from today date June 12th 2037 Time 7 a.m.
I am 41 years old now Fred my personal assistant robot woke me up And I just had tea me opens curtains to see the view outside morning Alexa. What's the news for today Alexa? I artificial intelligence assistant morning Shikhar. Happy birthday sings a song and projects some glimpses of past year on hold on I need to say if you're just losing the podcast.
There are some great pictures. Yeah, there's picture of a Honda robot Pouring green juice. That's his personal assistant and he pours him green juice Yeah, and he lives in like the dopest apartment in New York.
Yeah, he's like, um, he's like he's the American psycho pretty much But it's Shikhar. It's if instead of American psycho that movie was called Shikhar the cool guy Alexa today's headlines are a team of scientists in India have started to work on developing a system for backing up Human brain data on cloud vaccine for AIDS has been discovered by dr. Ankit Mishra Do you think that's a reference to like a real person or these just like shout out a different Indian guy made up? Let's look it up It does seem that the maybe that's a person I don't know. I mean it's a person somewhere I'm not sure there is a Fashioned lifestyle content creator with this name was 384 thousand followers and I think in 20 years They become a powerful doctor and scientific researcher very possible Tomorrow truly knows no limits Mission to discover Andromeda galaxy is go that's on the news Shikhar celebrates his b-day with Alexa laughing me laughs ha ha turn off the AC, please.
I'm feeling a bit cold You are not a kid anymore who told you to have two bowls of chocolate ice cream last night Let it be for your children decrease your rudeness to 30% and care to 50% lol, huh done boss After 15 minutes. I'm dressed up and my family is ready for my b-day breakfast now if you're thinking at home I'm done with this answer We are around 50% through I cannot believe how long this is well. We're just getting to the good stuff We are heading towards a exposed Canteen inside the ISRO campus and my brand-new Lamborghini Solaris This is the first model of Lamborghini to sun on solar to run on solar power above 1500 kilometers per hour so that's pretty fast also it looks like a flat batmobile Yeah, it looks like shit it no. It's so cool. Jeremy. You don't want to be in the pod racer car I don't like it. It's so cool. Shekhar drives it and he's a big money millionaire. It's his birthday There's your car after the breakfast now.
We are heading towards ISRO's visitors room today One more item will be off my bucket list as we are going on a family trip to the moon I have appointed one of my most trusted colleague and vice president as the temporary CEO of the company entire Returned back a few minutes moments later now. We are already packed in spacesuits. We look funny There's a picture of a bunch of a He's still a shekhar is still humble goofy white family and a dog all in spacesuits also It's like a stock image Yeah, so you can't sell this image of shekhar's white family into the shuttle we go I can feel and hear my heartbeats the system is on and the countdown timer has started five four three two one lift off We're feeling a large thrust and this wakes me up from my dreams damn Yeah So yeah, it might have seemed a little bit far-fetched don't worry.
It's all a dream works at Amazon software developer Oh, that's a pretty good job. Yeah, good room. Yeah, shout out to shekhar going his Instagram going as LinkedIn Yeah, we're gonna find your cars house at the end of this podcast and we're gonna pay for visit All right, sign me into anything Yeah, there all right well that was that answer. Thank you shekhar.
Thank you shekhar Story you see yourself in 20 years Next up what is life without a girlfriend Oh living hell Every day you wake up and pay you have no feminine touch I've never lived alive without a girlfriend Days pass without an ice cream dessert. I've been in the same. That's really how it is, too That is how it is Ladies they want a sweet tooth I Feel like this is gonna be our most popular things. I'm just telling truth Alex Patak no no lies about women for 15 minutes I'm so bottled up all the time, but the food women frickin go crazy for ice cream They gotta just have a little bite of a pancake I'm like hey, I'm trying to have hamburger I'm trying to take a bite of hamburger That's not where they're thinking I don't think so. Oh my god, but no Jeremy and I have both married our eyes I mean the same relationships.
I was 17. Yeah, and Now what now what we don't know what it's like and I feel like before you're 17 you kind of don't exist No, you're a minor.
Yeah, it's like I'm the Kingdom Hearts prelude of your life where you're on the beach, but nothing you do matters That's true because the rest of the game kind of starts after the prelude happens And it's kind of like a long stretch of time for you to be like this is Not the game, and they're like no It's not it's not you playing around on a beach and you get to the game, and it's still kind of sucks Yeah, it does suck. It's like not really a deep fighting system making everyone mad already I can tell we think Kingdom Hearts is bad. I didn't say that I Clearly didn't say that I thought chain of memories was fun because it has cards in it the most angry people have ever gotten to Me online. I think it's because I said Kingdom Hearts is bad and yet you are diving right back in well The thing about it is that I don't think it's a good game And I think in fact that it is bad and if you like it then maybe you are bad Hey, if you're watching this spot the Sephiroth of the podcast I am Groot What is life without a girlfriend?
I want to know Anshul Sharma says it's peaceful at one moment and empty at another Full of freedom at one moment and life was at another at one point you realize there is tons of shit You don't have to go through but another you miss out on the banter that only loved ones can go through Sometimes you wait, how long is this? Okay Look at the complexities and feel thankful out of it to be out of it. You play the romance song And at times life is just too boring and so you just you so wish to be a part of it Life can be ugly messy Complex and weird with a girlfriend. Oh, it can also be adventurous lovely full of life and randomness with a girlfriend When you have one and things don't work out you vow to be single forever And when you are single you wish to get one and never let her go whatsoever Not whatsoever. That was terrible when you when you do not have a girlfriend you wish to have a girlfriend I'll tell you that much. All right slam that again Matthew Stephen says What is life without a girlfriend pockets are full?
Yeah, I'm sure happy. Yeah, it's are sleepy.
That's right Is just on TV Lesser accountability liberty to talk to any girl. No sharing of chocolate. That's mine action thriller instead of rom-com Favorite shirt at any time no comparisons with other guys compassion for those with relationships peace of mind That's no girlfriend eat your own chocolate drama stays on TV. No girlfriend.
I'm trying to watch the Sopranos right now Girlfriends hate the Sopranos. They can't stand to see an Italian man winning I'm trying to see if any women have answered this Huh? What's it look like? Not really?
We're getting a lot of long poems almost exclusively Indian men. That's interesting Although and again, we do say this every week. It's just there are more of them than there are Not I think it's also just a popular website on India. I think so too But it's just like there's a lot more Indian men than there are American men. Yes, and so they know more about girlfriends by the numbers Mm-hmm.
Ask an American first of all in America. They don't teach you about girlfriends in schools They should they teach you that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree But they didn't teach you that you got to buy your girl a cherry ring to get that Friday night date. What is this thing about clothes? Has your wife ever made you wear a specific clothing?
She's she's like helped me improve my wardrobe. Okay, you taught me about colors. My wife's a Sure. Well, she's a painter. She like knows about colors and I have face blindness.
So I think they're like the end one guy and He wears basketball shorts which can give you an erection just from the friction alone Oh, yeah, and so if you wear those all the time, that's gonna be a big problem Cuz you're gonna be walking around everywhere as stiff as a board She was like, I don't want other women to see my man's hog. Is that Groot in your pants? Are you happy to see? Say it's really hard not having a girlfriend.
All right. Well, that's that question. Yeah, really good question. Sure This is a problem that affects many men Well many people around the world well, not me not me that and also not Jeremy the question is Is it possible to get addicted to saying the n-word? Alright, so you can't be mad at me or Jeremy. We didn't write this question.
This is just on Cora Very funny, what do you think? I think obviously no, but it's very funny to like to just say the n-word and be like it's a disease Sure laugh at my addiction I Cannot stop I'm a problem at the mall because of a condition I have yeah I don't know. I think if you're on Xbox live You can find the behaviors of some people where you It appears as though they can't not say it What if you're just like the world's most pathetic adrenaline junkie, uh-huh, and you're like it just gives you that rush.
It's like crank Yeah, yeah, the guy in crank was just saying But he goes to like a predominantly black neighborhood and says right and like the thing is he doesn't in that whole movie I rewatched it recently Yeah, he's just he's like killing people instead and crashing his car and stuff and like racially It's totally cool for everybody except at one point He throws a taxi driver out of his car and yells al-qaeda and then a mob kills that guy But that's more of an indictment of America. Yeah, Jason Statham. Yeah, he was done Nothing wrong was done and actually saw a great He is friends with Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies there are two cool guys But I don't think they say this word What do you what do you think Quora right in I write in right into Quora five years ago or whatever this question was asked Oh, this is this year.
Oh, yeah, this is a new one. It's probably a guy fucking around I mean, it's probably a troll, but I do think it's very funny very funny troll. I mean, I don't know This is by Zolongo kazar. Yeah This is an intense Quora account.
Yeah, one of his questions is why haven't Donald Trump's nudes leaked yet? Good question.
That's just so long go ignore him How do I hate women without sounding like an incel? This is why he's in this category Sometimes we read these questions and I feel like people are judging us like just cuz you asked about then where it doesn't mean you're an Incel or whatever and it's like no, they all are they're like the same guys They make all the same posts together. I love the idea of big like I don't like women I'm not one of these fucking insides. That's by not it's voluntary how much I hate them I can have sex with them. That's not the problem another Zolongo troll Anyway, this guy's addicted to saying the n-word. I don't think it's possible.
What are the comments? I didn't is there anything good? Um What is this question?
Oh well, I remember one and three skulls n-word funny But that's because I'm Latina and didn't really understand the context out of it Well, it's good for you to have grown out of that. I can I can think of one guy's a long go cause are who could Do the same? One guy wrote Nanu Nanu Nanu Yeah, I think the joke being that that's the word n-word is what uh from Dharma and Greg I believe Is Robin Williams, isn't that an alien? I thought it was the alien one. Yeah, isn't that Dharma and Greg? No I'm working me off of it. I meant Morgan Mindy. You gotta cut that All right, well that's that question I think how much more time we have to spend on that one This next segment is Cora gone wild and it is our animal segment Like that the line kind of sounds like a home improvement though like That's in your head bro, it doesn't sound like that bro This question is what happens if a dog inseminates a woman Well, the offspring be human with a very sharp Sorry, will the offspring be a human with very sharp instincts or a dog that can talk now We have gotten complaints before yes about the number of cores that are about this topic However, those did not further elucidate the kind of offspring you would have which is what makes it an interesting prompt Jeremy What do you think would happen?
Uh, I think I think that's how you get in the Yasha I think this is how you get rocket raccoon Good friend of Groot. Yo, so I grew up Brooklyn Yo soy Spanish, you know Yasha. I like that in the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie They like give intelligence to a raccoon and he's immediately like oh boy. I'm from frickin Brooklyn.
Yeah, it is pretty funny Okay, this first account you've highlighted immediately has a pop-up that says this account is bad A molecular biologist, that's so funny. Maybe he's just like a serial liar. That's why he's bad Yeah, well he says nothing would happen at least in terms of conception of an embryo What else might happen is anyone anyone's guess? I'm not going down that road. Oh, well, of course I see your question as a joke, but I'm answering it straight regardless us to the reason they will never be a conception Is that homo sapiens have 46 chromosomes while Canis lupus familiaris has 78 We're learning it's crack.com have a fusion of these chromosomes sets to establish a new organism Dogs make much better companions and working animals than they do potential mates for lonely women Come on now that being said this man is a known liar Hey, he's banned from the website his band for discouraging dog human relations cross-chora I think if anything we have to assume that this man is completely wrong and that that it would create a hybrid with very Sharp instincts who could talk his hands are claws and he can cut the wind to make a wind scar It allows him to fight his brothers to show Maru I like this question this answer dearly Dearly hoping that this is just hypothetical. I Hope you boys aren't at it again And then a bunch of people explaining how DNA works Yeah, but odd order saying no, which is not really Steven has answered this question very clearly. Well, he's banned We don't believe what he says What happened if a dog inseminates? Oh, it's so far to be the one guy who gave like a clear thought-out answer of this is How is he banned to say probably for being a son of a bitch look here Spam harassment bullying hate speech. Well, I guess it's not so cool, huh? Yeah, he hasn't posted in six years. He posted too much about DNA and got kicked off a core.
That's wild That's what hey, and that's why you're in our segment Quora MD this is a fucking weird episode This is our This is our medical question Questions a doctor would ask or they'd ask another doctor these Like we're peers in the doctor community. Yeah, you know how teachers have a teacher's line doctors have done Yes, they do where they get real and they ask these kinds of questions These are the kinds of questions frankly, and I want to say that Alex and I do not ask these questions No, we're just not endorse them. We just curate them and I'm going to space later Let's just sleep with my wife This question is is autism the childish naive version of psychopathy and again we did not write this question We thought it was interesting and that's why we put it in the show But if you're bad about that, that's really not our fault. I think the answer is no, it's not it's no it's different It's a different thing I do a different podcast with my good friend Anders who has been diagnosed with autism who argues that autism is kind of a made-up term and was invented by a Nazi doctor and is Asperger's of a bunch of a yeah, but it's like the same kind of science. Is that true? a Variety of studies where they just don't know what to think Phenomenon so they put it all together into autism Is it Well, I mean what's think about it is your friend Anders a psychopath I think I old version I think he's a lunatic is he like a psycho who's like a little boy.
I mean the answer is just no everyone's like no These are different things is a spoon of fork right in How mad are you that this was on our video you could be you got a both of you a spork Now that's interesting this is part of my new pilot autistic psychopath now on HBO It's a good show. It's like Dexter, but like a lot more like model trains sure But he's using those trains to run people over Because it's still like him he's a complicated character. These are the kinds of dark stories. You could tell on premium television a Lot of people are like I'm autistic. No, I am not childish or naive or a psychopath.
No, stop it, please Knock it off and then a lot of people have posted pictures of like brains That MRI scans. I don't I don't know if I need to read but no, it's like the brains are different Just if you're watching the video, we'll put up the MRI picture and then if not shut up the brains are different The brains are different next question next question. Now. This is another science question Here is something that doctors ask each other. We do not endorse these questions.
We simply are curating them Why do I catch myself watching people eat come and I want to eat it too, but can't Interesting question. Hmm. Why do you catch yourself doing that? Now I don't catch myself doing no Yeah, I mean if I feel like if I really want to eat come I just would there's also but can't like but haven't tried Is how it should end? I mean one of the amazing things about the human body is that I can produce my own Yeah, it wouldn't be difficult for me if it was something I really wanted to try it would take me maybe 10 minutes Tell me God didn't have a plan But honestly, yeah, if you you should just do it man, just do it just do it stuff I guess the thing is that they want to eat somebody else's come I had a very pervy friend in high school Who's like the kind of friend who would like you'd be like you'd go to their house to hang out and he'd be Like yo, check out this thing on the video of the computer and it would just be porn. Yeah, and I Remember it was a little funny. It's like as a gag I very distinctly were being like it up in a pool with him one time just me him and one other guy And he goes like there's like a wall in like early high school and he goes you guys ever try your own come Break the silence here you guys are being so weird We said no and he tried to play it off as us being weird Yeah, he's like you haven't tried it yet. Like you've never smoked a cigarette cut it like All right, yeah, I guess leave a lot of mysteries unchallenged yeah It was like, you know He tried to play eating his own come is like the cool adult thing to do you guys want to have a soda after we go to the pool Just wanted your next topic of conversation So, no, I haven't tried it but I imagine if I caught myself watching people who's he watching I I don't I guess Pornographic videos.
I must assume this is a woman because if I was a man if you then it's a real solve So easy to do You need it comes up ten times a day. You need a cup and that's it I'm always knocking it out of a cup in my house. Like people are like hey try this and I'm like Just because you're my dad now doesn't mean you can make me drink come Donald Trump It's crazy there's no way around it.
Oh wait, there's two answers One of them is just a but it's a but one of them says do you lose the urge to eat it after you come? If so, welcome to the club the answer is to The answer is to come into a container and freeze the semen for your next play session The next time you feel like eating come you can thaw out your frozen load and swish it around in your mouth while you masturbate The save the resulting load the same way for next time eventually you'll be eating so used to eating come You'll be able to eat it fresh. You'll be able to eat it fresh happy jacking happy Happy jacking fantastic side off.
All right. Well, that's from Frank I love that Frank is approaching come like the same way you do to like getting into whiskey or something Sure, you're gonna need it with ice cube first But then after you get used to the flavors actually the notes are in a standard glass This guy is an expert in masturbation. Let's not read anymore Frank Can you you can read one more but I feel like you're in trouble today now He's got nothing interesting other than eating and drinking fluids. We hate Frank here So I'm not going to bring Frank up again. All right. Let's go to the next question.
I think this is the ball If you liked that sound you're gonna love our next question can smoking cigarettes make you happy if so How much should you smoke per day to be content in life? So in this question, we're doctors, but in like the year 1948 And you can like game out smoking cigarettes are like, all right smoking makes you happy but it's bad, right What is the mathematical perfect number of cigarettes to smoke to per day to gain the most happiness while not? Losing the most life. I'm hiccuping so much. Let me check my race chart It's 1948. I myself and this is just a Personal influence, you know My story that I'm sharing with our listeners is I don't smoke until I get drunk is all hell And then I have one cigarette every three months and it feels like I'm gonna die for a second But in a way that rocks. Yeah, so that's pretty good That's probably the happiest a cigarette can make you all my friends I know who smoke and then like give me the cigarette. They are having a terrible time sure and so If it's making you happy you should have one every three months when you black out drink so much I saw this happen recently.
Oh, yeah, you were there one of the times. Yeah, and Your wife banished you to the corner of the bar.
She doesn't like it. She doesn't like it Nope, she said I am NOT gonna kiss you later if you smoke a cigarette and you said I don't give a fuck Well, I thought that would be kept off the Internet for sure As it was happening I said that's fine to say cuz it won't end up on YouTube But here we are we can cut that do the fact is that Donald Trump has been making moves on my wife This is such a silly episode. It's not like the others I've never smoked a cigarette ever really.
Yeah, Jeremy.
You must is it cuz you're afraid of losing kisses Big fear You afraid you're gonna be missing kisses on the back end. Oh, I can't be losing those kisses What is life without all my kisses gone? Oh my kiss is gone How many slurp kisses could you put on a kiss?
Internet gibberish now Christ my brain is like this The top comment is smoking does not make you happy your body becomes addicted to the nicotine Which after time has a seemingly calming effect now interesting question. Maybe that's what the guy meant by the n-word nicotine Hell yeah, you can you it's a big problem You have to pretty much you get addicted and you got to have a patch to get rid of it Anyway, people do enjoy smoking though. No, I mean, you're not addicted to it.
Have you ever seen a French person? I've certainly have they're always wearing like that mime shirt in doing that Yeah, we got owned by a French person earlier today.
Oh, yeah, remember that I do but I will not speak of it now You're not addicted to cigarettes. Are you you're having a once every three months? Yeah. Well, I'm addicted to the three-month cycle I guess that's right.
It's like a werewolves addicted turn into a goddamn wolf Stewart on the other hand who teacher of French Stewart about Ptolemy He says the great illusion where the big lie is that cigarettes bring you some benefit in terms of feeling good If you inhale a deep deep breath of pure air and then exhale and do it several times that already gives you a relaxing feeling Just air no smoke. No, nothing else But when you do it with smoke you get the same feeling slightly intensified by the nicotine hit and the smoke if that is your lungs Are willing to take it but in reality the difference is pretty small the big lie Ignore a slash obscurbs the fact that inhaling and exhaling pure air is already a relaxing thing to do They call it the big lie that air doesn't rock This is what big tobacco doesn't want you to know breathing is dope They're trying to lie to you about air and how cool it is I love to breathe it feels so good sucking down a cold one Parentheses of air if that were true though, they would probably just start selling cigarettes that are just tubes just empty tubes And you just go like this. Oh I'm so lightheaded You never go to college just stand outside and just suck on the tube I know I work in the kitchen. I like to suck on my tube just to take a break People do so like you can buy pure oxygen. Yeah, sure I mean, that's the addict behavior more than anything else we've seen today. Yeah, you can get pretty fucked up on that I know I'll raise a glass to that Jeremy Anyway, I don't know I guess the answer is one every three months the answer is one every three months But you do miss out on those kisses Happy if you're trying to min max your cigarette use. Yeah If you're trying to max out on kisses say yeah, don't do that if you're going for a high kiss build Unless you're trying unless you're farming the cigarette corner If you're on the cigarette alley and you're just looking for kisses That's the way to get is by hanging out and be like wanna bum one and only cause a kiss.
Yeah Also, if you're listening podcast don't I'm not telling you to do that If you're like a young person, if you're a child who loves corridors, how did you find this feed get out? This is for adults for grown-ups. This is explicit and it says so on Apple music Yes, our podcast listeners are all 32 and male Literally like ninety nine point two percent of them by the numbers. It's striking and we don't know why It's funny cuz we exaggerated that I think it's more like, you know 7030 or something and when we put everyone we said that the last time a bunch of women like DM does to be like I'm a woman Thank you slow clap Applause for you. If you listen to the numbers, you'll know that Alex and I are 99% female ourselves.
That's a hundred percent true Let's move on to Corbin and fruit Sounds like Did you kind of say Quora at the end yeah end up with Quora The way the doctors discuss in the back doctor room These are scholars and scholarly minds discussing the finer points of religion And so it's a lot like that painting of all the Greek philosophers walking down that alley You know, they're like doing the Beyonce getting formation but of Greece. Yes, or it's like, you know, I'm talking about I do know It's also similar to the painting of all the jokers. Oh Yeah, we're at the bar dinner. Yeah, they're dinner two great paintings There's so many fine paintings.
I'd love to discuss in this program But what is this question in the Bible? It is said that angels take the human form sometimes if a person met an angel and that person revealed or told the human that He was an angel. How would the angel react if you tried to hug him hug them? So do angels need consent to hug? I think so, right? There's a really hugging people. Well, they're kind of beyond our comprehension in a way and they're not people So maybe that's the question you're like hugging like a biblically biblically accurate angel and they're all like a bunch of just tentacles Yeah, let's just say the human form but oh, yeah, but I think it's funnier to do the other form I guess I think of it this way which is that I would need consent to hug a dog Mmm, and so I wouldn't get sent to hug an angel. I don't know. I feel like I hugged my cat Against his will pretty often. Well, well, maybe reconsider the way you behave but I think an angel being a higher level of being would forgive me if I slipped up a little bit because I got to get That touch. Oh, yeah, you think that an angel would hug you even if you smoked a cigarette also depends on the angel, too Yeah, I'm trying to get I acknowledge your riff And I'm laughing Now I would like to I Would just like to say it depends on the angel and if it's a wrathful angel they may smite you with a flaming sword That's all I want cuz not all angels are nice, right?
No, I mean Michael He's the archangel. I mean Michael Mike big Mike he's gonna cut you down Jay Yeah, don't go around hugging the human form of Michael archangel Mike or Herman trout Now that's a character magic Mike.
That's pretty good, too. That's there's all kinds of material here Let's read this answer from Sherry. Yep She says my daughter and I have had encounters with angels in human form must be nice Sherry I'm afraid to be able to recognize them and I have sometimes been allowed But there is a great restraint upon us and a veiling that is removed later That you know after the fact more than it more than at the time of the encounter They can they can take any human form but will be supernatural in some ways at the same time if God allows You will have to be walking in the spirit and you can enjoy the encounter My ministering angels have sometimes been sent in answers to prayers I sometimes wonder if they can take animal form as animals sometimes do miraculous things Praise God for his angels. He sentenced to help us on earth.
Now if you've been paying attention to the show This woman is not autistic. She's just a psychopath This person did not answer the question at all.
Well, they had a little story. There's the thing about the hugs I like that the daughters were involved and then the the comment on that the comment was they can take forms as animals Hey here just here to confirm they do that I don't I want to know about the hugging part. Yeah for sure Haven says I think it would depend on your intention if it was pure they would likely hug you back if was pervy I doubt they would let you touch them. Are you being a perv right now? Stop being weird Let Gabriel's cleavage belongings to Gabriel Angels have this way of controlling the situation when they say stop It's like a command that goes right into your bones. You're very flesh obeys without your consent.
Wait, well, that's not very nice either Well, they're angels. They're not always nice. I never tried to hug any of the angels I saw in human form though.
I hug one on the astral quite often. He returns the hug like a loving father would Oh So just do it on the astral. Yeah, do it on the astral. Don't do it human That's weird But if they don't want you to they will command you to stop in a way that goes into your bone It shields your bones and so it's really a low-risk No means no It's a low-risk behavior to an angel cuz if they want to if they wanted to kill you it'd already be dead so true So yeah, it's a very clean answer on that. We got to do it on the astral.
Let's see Let's get the next question up here. Sure.
Can you look like however we want in heaven? Oh baby, oh baby Yeah, I want to look like Angelina Jolie up there. What if you go to heaven and everyone is just Angelina Jolie? I hope so dog That's just like a comedian in 2007. Oh, I'd love to have sex with 400 Angelina Jolie John Voight's daughter up there Also, what's up with ninjas?
They've enemies with pirates. How are these guys even meeting the fight so much? I can't go to a Newbery comics without seeing five or six ninjas v. Pirates scenarios I went to a comedy show recently and then it's also turns up so they do like a big act out Whoa, too many pirates.
I I am I went to a comedy show recently and this guy did a whole bit About how he just watched the Harry Potter movies for the first time Okay, and then just did like observational jokes about Harry Potter that all bombed and the whole time He kept being like I probably should have done this years ago But it could be like but what Snape steal and he was like we talked about this already I wish I hadn't been that exact person for a variety of other films You could never get away with it for Harry Potter because everyone's already seen it by like that people are just like I just saw Face off. I mean their faces switch Seems unrealistic to me. I don't know Yeah, that's the thing. It's like the most surface level understanding too. It's not like anything new It's just like so there's magic So The Weasley's adopt Harry or like what's the deal with that? Yeah, that's just like I can a guardianship That was basically the level of joke. It was I don't really have some riffing this out I'm still riffing this out, but owls seem like if we already have pigeons I don't get the benefit of using an owl Hagrid's weird He's too big If I was if that guy came to my house, I'd say there's the door if Hagrid came to my yeah I want to talk to your son. Well, there's the door pal. I really should know this a decade ago You just got big like I just saw it for the first time Even if it did well, I wouldn't want to do that joke again Like why would I be the Harry Potter guy in 2023? Hey, I'm not a muggle We didn't talk about a lot on the last 11 a.m.
It's been a long time since then but anyway, can you look however you want? Yeah, I think no, I think you should look exactly the way you look when you die See that is somehow sometimes how it's depicted and there's so many sad children who are stuck as like two-year-olds That sucks for them. Also, everybody else is like infirm Mm-hmm. They all want to be hot again And that's why they look just like Angelina Jolie in my new proposal that I'm calling 2007 heaven But like if you're a two-year-old, like what are you supposed to like imagine an old version of yourself?
Or is it like it automatically through some fucking algorithm? Yeah It just like assumes what you'd look like if you join World of Warcraft and like a late date You have the option of starting at level 60. I think that's pretty much what they're pretty sure You know now that I've said it into a microphone I'm actually like not a hundred percent sure but I think that happens sometimes I think that's a great pitch though. You should just be able to like start it Like if you unless you're doing vanilla heaven, I yeah, no, this is a late expansion for a man There's only years. I've never played World of Warcraft and I'm mad that I can't riff a one of the expansion names Doesn't last of it doesn't matter.
I didn't have a frozen strong. Who cares? I'm sorry.
I brought it up, but it is relevant that you can prestige heaven. Yeah I'm in double heaven. Yeah, I want to I want to have like abs and have an abs comes up a lot on this show Yes, the thing is they just look good and in heaven.
It's all the more yummy here's the answer that's similar to what we said, but But for people I've never heard of Steve Lambert says no all the ladies look like Miriam Marguiles All of them gentlemen look like Michael winner is only fair to even everyone up. Okay So now we're gonna Google Miriam Marguiles and Michael winner Miriam Marguiles is a British Australian actress interesting So this is really a problem we are always going to do about this website Which is that everyone is from Europe or India who's Michael winner Michael winner is gonna be a different? Australian actor I bet yeah, it's just a British filmmaker.
He just looks like a guy he died though. He's dead So what does he look like now? I guess is my question Nothing, but it's a real dime piece Well, that's a weird take from that guy what why is one of them alive still like that's what are you saying that he evens out?
I don't know if this was asked a long time ago. Maybe when it was Nope more topical. It was like a few days ago.
That's fine Well, Michael winner is in heaven right now, and he's looking like a snack Most people just like I don't know Ask God very honest of you. I believe in heaven It doesn't really matter what you look like physically everyone's beautiful non-judgmental happy accepted We keep running into the Yukio Mishima of at all because he always said that thing about like you want die young So you look beautiful in heaven leave a beautiful corpse It's an interesting way to live to assume that like you you go to heaven and then like you so like if if if you assume That you're in heaven you look how you did when you died with minus the stabbing or whatever. Yeah By the way, you're stabbed by Donald Trump. Yes house with your wife So so like you know you live for what let's say 90 years on average at most generously Then you're in heaven forever. Uh-huh. So that that is the more important look Yeah, right So it kind of does the logic of like if you assume that's how you're gonna look forever You do kind of want to clock out right at the perfect moment if you're in heaven Jeremy It's a land of pleasures and a land of bliss and so I don't care if you got wrinkly old skin Even if you look like the dang Notre Dame hunchback from the famous Story and also I didn't name it that and whoa is heaven body positive I think it's body positive that is what I was saying. So you're just kind of happy to be there All right, fair enough. It always feels like you're blasting one.
Sorry Mishima Sorry, Mishima. We'll stop bringing you up on the show until we learn more about you We weren't a second thing about you Yeah, so I think we cleaned that one up and I'm dusting my hands off.
That's a podcast people. That's a podcast people It feels good. It looks good. It feels good.
Looks good Do we have a question we want to ask yes Jeremy we do mark oils Let's ask a question about kisses. Okay How can I maximize the number of kisses from my wife? That's exactly the question that I wanted to ask put that in type that up That's a show. How about that?
That's been another episode of Quaradors the number one show where BS was Quora. It's me Alex. And that's Jeremy I'm Jeremy We're here every week if you'd like bonus episodes where we read things like reddit and other websites that are like Quora But are not Quora that's on patreon.com slash Quaradors And we also have all the free episodes up there so you can follow the show for there for free And in the meantime, I tip my cap to you for watching this full podcast.
Good. Good day Good day and goodbye. Yes. I grew also a group |
cracked | 4_awesome_videos_that_make_you_happy_to_be_alive_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another episode of obsessive pop culture disorder the show that eats all the internet And then poops it at you today's episode gives us The internet is dark and full of boners and no one should travel through its sweaty and Pulsing walls without an experienced guide I've been around more corners of the internet that I'm comfortable admitting and even though it has yes mostly just absolutely Devastated me in a very profound way It's also had me stumble upon a few uplifting gems that never failed to make me smile rather than selfishly hold on to them I decided to share them with you the people so that we can be friends and laugh together and forget that the internet and by extension life Absolutely sucks for about five minutes Every single available clip of the late mr. Rogers is absolutely heartwarming.
We're gonna focus on a very special one today Well, maybe you showed me how to do some breakdancing. All right. All right Breakdancing episode of mr. Rogers and no one's talking about it He says the words show me how to do some breakdancing.
That's not on a t-shirt yet. What? What this is what you do it on isn't it? Can I help you put it down?
This clip is great because Rogers in his Inimitable way listens to respects and takes great joy in learning about breakdancing from a 12 year old boy I Really like the way you do that, but I'd never be able to do that There's none of the condescension that most adults show kids and he's not dismissing the new dance style out of hand like the out-of-touch Foggy that he by all logic should be he is absolutely truly fascinated with Jermaine's dancing this kid Practiced every day for years and now the nicest man in the world is rewarding him for that practice with unbridled kindness How long do you practice? every day every day and You practice with your friends, don't you? Yep, and you do that together Also, we get to watch mr. Rogers breakdance like as if there's a there's a wave going the whole way through your body Then make it come back That's really nice. Oh and then it comes right back around like you don't know you stud you irreplaceable fucking hero No one is going to out heartworm Fred Rogers. So I'm gonna slow things down a little bit surprise people and Now we're gonna watch Lord of the Rings of Saurman sing some heavy metal right now Cool Christopher Lee served in wars He killed people in life and then he put on a crown whipped out a giant sword that you know He didn't rent and I went over to his buddy's garage and shot a music video on a green screen and then gave it to us For free because the world is beautiful. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise There's little I can add to this video of an aging metal head with a long sword singing except by saying There are more videos like this and if you ask me I will take you to the Necron Would roll in the unholy name of cosmic chaos Finally the internet police will put me away forever if I don't at least mention adorable animals on a list about uplifting videos Twist it's not about cats.
It's about cows move over cats I Love any snarky commentary about this video a whole herd of cows was kept in a barn for winter And this is the first time they've seen the Sun and felt the grass The good way to get out look at her rubber head on the grass that's how dogs do happen That's how bunnies do frolicing and swaggering. That's how fly-ass fairies do ah cows Cute as fuck you like adventures.
Let's go on one. There is one change.
I would make to this video Yeah moo and shit Actually have another video of a sloth eating carrots and just fucking loving it And I'd give it to you, but I'm worried your day might be too bright already, and I wouldn't want Join us next time when our topic will be oh shit all those animals are dead now one of those cows was Hitler's weird The name of Jesus Christo Hi, I'm a Bepperson. I direct some of the videos here on crack-a-thon. I'm also an actor some you didn't know I was crazy Raul and the original agents of cracked I was in some today's topics where I you know Talked to Katie Stoll and we fight about gender and stuff like that. I was a shadow In an after-hours episode it was actually a mistake. We cut it, but I was Simba in our animated Lion King sketch Or was that a dream? I was in a whole bunch of stuff.
Okay, you don't need to All you need to do is subscribe. Okay, just subscribe and stop asking me questions |
TheOnion | Grover_Norquist_I_Engaged_In_A_Week_Long_Drug_Fueled_Orgy_With_Corporate_Income_Taxes | Thank you for coming. My name is Grover Norquist, President of Americans for Tax Reform. Over the last week, some very illicit, very scandalous images of myself carousing with taxes have surfaced and while I at first attempted to deny that I had ever had any romantic dalliances with taxes, I would like to take this opportunity to say that the photographs are in fact authentic. The tweets are of my personal 1040 statements and that over the last 28 years, I have carried on multiple affairs with numerous kinds of taxes, income taxes, sales taxes, and even estate taxes. First and foremost, I'd like to apologize to my family, who knew me as a devoted family man and the leader of a powerful anti-tax movement. In actuality, I was leading a selfishly double life, buying presents for and taking exotic trips with capital gains, taxes, and transfer taxes. In 2004, I engaged in a week-long, drug-fueled orgy with corporate income taxes, a decision I now wholeheartedly regret. And in 2010, at the height of my misconduct while in Paris, I strongly flirted with a European-style value-added tax. At this time, I'd like to ask the media to respect my family's privacy as we work through this ordeal and also to respect the privacy of taxes, which I realize through my numerous encounters can actually be fair, decent, and even loving. Especially expatriation taxes, I think I will miss our wonderful evenings the most.
Thank you very much. |
TheOnion | ClickHole_WATCH_Man_Sees_His_Family_For_First_Time_After_27_Years_Holding_His_Hand_Over_His_Eyes | Okay, Dan, now I'm almost ready to bring your hand down from your eyes and you'll be able to see. Ready as I'll ever be. It's okay, honey. Everything's gonna be okay. You're doing great, Dan. Here we go. Oh my god.
I've lived for nearly 30 years with my hand over my eyes. And for most of that time, I thought, I'll never see again. Dan had his hand over his eyes the day I met him. And what I love about Dan is that he is always so strong and happy and confident, despite the fact that he can't see or use his left hand in any capacity. But now, with Dr. Shaffer's help, I might finally be able to see. I might finally be able to see my wife and daughter.
Sorry.
At Seeing Past Hands Foundation, our goal is to give the gift of sight back to those people like Daniel. Just 15 years ago, the only way to restore sight was to amputate the hand. But modern medicine is changing that. Today, Seeing Past Hands funds over 1,500 procedures every year to help people remove hands from their eyes.
Today, we're going to do that for Daniel. Here we go. Oh my god. Be careful because your eyes will be sensitive to the light. Good.
Wow! Can you see? Yes! Yay! 3, 2, 1. Come here, Allie! I want to see your clothes. Hi, sweetie.
You are more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Congratulations. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Obama_Debt_Ceiling_Deal_A_Prime_Example_Of_Democrats_And_Democrats_Sacrificing_For_The_Greater_Good | Republicans and Democrats celebrate what amounts to a pathetic excuse for common ground. An area dog's rock bottom is the same as his peak, and the FDA is calling for everyone to induce vomiting right now. And now a crisp, cool, and refreshing recap of your weekly news. President Obama acknowledged Wednesday that the debt ceiling deal featuring $2.1 trillion in federal spending cuts with no increases in tax revenue required tough concessions by both Democrats and Democrats alike, saying, quote, I'm truly grateful that both Democrats and their Democrat counterparts were able to reach within the aisle and show the nation that compromise demands sacrifices from every Democrat, whether liberal, far-left, or progressive. A drunken Ben Bernanke told everyone at a local bar Thursday how totally screwed the U.S. economy really is. The completely sloshed Federal Reserve chairman downed multiple beers and whiskey shots before launching into a slurred 45-minute diatribe about the depressed housing market and the, quote, shitty rate of economic growth, revealing that unemployment is actually up around 19 percent with little chance of ever improving. An Onion reporter was able to capture this audio of Bernanke moments before he passed out. And then I think GDP will drop to nothing, and I share your concern, I share your anger.
In local news, this kid is massive, just absolutely massive. Described by neighbors as, quote, built like a brick shithouse, an informal poll finds 61 percent consider the kid to be just gargantuan, 22 percent say he's enormous, that's the only word for it, and 16 percent describe him as just an absolute tank of a boy. In sports, Randy Moss quits on football for the final time. In other news, a grandmother's grave somewhere outside Phoenix remains unvisited. This man just walked into Best Buy for no reason whatsoever. And the U.S. flag on the moon falls over. For your Weekly Onion quiz, Weekly Onion poll, and Weekly Onion-sponsored therapy appointment, go to theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
dropout | i_want_my_phone_back_the_scariest_game_show_ever | Hi, I'm Brandon Gardner, host of I Want My Phone Back, the only game show on the go where contestants can win cash by giving me their phone and letting me do whatever I want with it. For every task I complete, they win $5 cash. Let's get to it. I want my phone back.
Who's a Michael ****? He's one of my buddies from the gym.
I'm going to text him, can't stop thinking about you. Just that. Just can't stop thinking about you.
We'll let him interpret what that means. Oh, man. Boom, got it.
All right, now I am going to send this picture to Gary R. Who's Gary R? My brother. All right, I'm going to say, just met my real dad. I'm going to send him a picture of me and you. Do you want to go buy it? You're comfortable with that. You can also say, I want my phone back. No, just met my real dad. All right, this is going to Gary R, your brother. Hey, how's it going? This is Brandon. I'm with Jessica.
We've got big news. I know she hasn't said a lot about me because I'm a lot older than she is, but we're pregnant and it's probably maybe a month away. We haven't gotten any doctors or anything, so it's hard to tell.
Great. Oh my gosh, she's still dying. You never stopped me. She's at least cut $5. I was in shock. I'm about to post on your status.
All that charity work was a scam. See you later, suckers. Off to Hawaii.
I want my phone back. Yeah, this is Rupal's phone.
It's an emergency. I'm the maitre d' of a hotel. He's had some sort of bathroom emergency. He slept the phone under the door and he needs a change of clothes immediately complaining about himself.
So the next level is, I'm going to take a picture of my own nipple and send it to your brother. No. You're not comfortable with it? Not my brother. All right.
Would you like your phone back? I want my phone back. Here's your phone back.
Good luck cleaning up your life. Do you think mom will be home? Go for it.
I'm John's friend. So glad I was able to reach you. John and I are in a pinch. We're in jail. We'll explain everything later. We did sort of a public streaking thing. Hello?
Who's Travis? Travis is my good friend's younger brother. He's a musician.
And why are you texting your good friend's younger brother? We're also friends. Okay, all right. They're not that much younger. So the text I'm about to send is, I'm only friends with you to get closer to your brother.
Are you comfortable with that? No. So what do you got to say?
I want my phone back.
There you are. One, two, three. Cheese. Great. And that's a really, I think, nice Tinder profile picture.
I kind of want my phone. You want it now? You're sure you don't want me to put this on your dating app? No, no. All right. Well, here you go.
I'll be single forever.
Yeah. No. Oh, no. It's okay. No. It's okay. No. It's okay. No. |
SaturdayNightLive | posters_snl | Ugh! this physics homework is impossible. Why do I even have to learn it? nobody even uses it in real life. real life. real life. Think again, Bruv. Lots of people use physics. yo, what? my old school poster of David Beckham is talking to me?
Is this a dream? Yep. Oh, okay, because I was going to say, you don't look as beautiful as you normally do. What? Yeah, I do. no, because, like, your face is just not.
Alright, leave it. leave it. back to physics. I use it all the time on the pitch. how do you think I bend the ball? that's physics. Yeah, and I use it in Octagon. U.f.c. Champion Troy The Tooth, Tinker Mccoy? you use physics? of course, man. what do you think makes my punches and kicks so deadly? My opponents dookie in their dry holes?
Physics, sucker. Whoa. so people really do use physics in real life. Chrissy Knox? you're an Instagram model and you host an unpopular podcast. You use physics? Yeah. How else could I be bending over this junky, broken, stupid car in my dirty, stinky, ripped jeans? That's physics. it is? Physics are everywhere. even in your favorite video game, Time Assassin. What do you think allows me to jump from rooftop to rooftop in pursuit of the Eternity Cube? So without physics, I couldn't game.
Chrissy, maybe sit this one out. you are a little out of your depth here. I get what you guys are saying, but it's just so confusing. like, all these equations and rules. like, what's up with Newton's Law? Oh, you can't be Newton in instagram posts, but you can be Newton on the fan stuff. Wait, you have an onlyfans? come on, Chrissy, knock it off. he's a teenage boy, man. you take him down to onlyfans Road, we ain't gonna never get him back.
Now, let's try this. what's giving you the most trouble? Uh, I mean, all of it, really. Well, when Jess give up and look at my creamy little tummy. creamy? Oh, My. God. someone needs to shut this woman up so we can help this child. I got you, 1ko, coming right up.
No, wait, try it. All right, let me try something first. I think I can occupy her brain for a minute or two.
Chrissy, do you know how many fingers you have? Oh, yeah. Done. you actually have 11, All right? watch. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, plus 5 is 11.
Wait, what? good work, Bex. you're smart and gorgeous. gorgeous? because I'm like over here thinking he ain't nearly as handsome as he normally would. acts in a little weird, too. Okay, all right, thanks. had too long. Okay, I get it. I'm David Beckham, all right?
Anyway. what in your book there is giving you the most trouble, lad? Okay, how about this? force equals mass times acceleration. What does that mean? it's like this.: the force of my punch is determined by the weight of my arm, multiplied by the speed of my fist. Oh, okay. or like how much grease I got on my butt is deterred by this drippy, stinky oil. multiplied by how far I'm bending over this eggy.
You're done! Yeah! enjoy your junky, stunky car, dumbass! All right, thank you. All right, so what else do you need help with?
Oh, I don't know. I think I got it. Oh, no, he's staring at a bottom. he's never gonna learn physics. what are we gonna do? I think he's gonna get it, actually. Yeah! |
dropout | bleep_bloop_nudie_games_michael_ian_black | On this week's Bleep Bloop, we will be playing erotic arcade games. No further explanation needed. I'm your host Jeff Rubin and I'm here with Kyle Jimmer's Pat Cassels, Sarah Schneider and Michael Ian Black. So the yellow power-ups are above water and the blue ones are underneath. What they're revealing is what has already been revealed. That's true, but if we beat this level, we'll see a little bit more. Same woman, same position, but less clothes, is that what I'm saying?
It's a little extra poker. Alright, well that's good. Except you do it all by yourself. Good work. You got so many points too. That matters. The idea of having points in a game like this seems like gilding the lily a little bit.
You can hack it so she doesn't get naked if you're purely interested in the skill involved. She just puts on more and more pieces of a burka. Is there something about arcades that lent themselves to being erotic? Like there aren't erotic games coming out of it. Sarah, quiet.
Woah! Love her. I'm actually falling a little bit in love with her.
I'm sorry, Sarah, what was your question? Um, it's really awkward.
The question was why are there no erotic video game arcade games today? Well, first of all, there's no real arcades left at all, period. There's not even any non-erotic arcades left. They're all closed. There weren't any erotic arcade games at the time that arcades were popular. You can just go to the space board and play this. I went to arcades and there was never anything.
I mean, trust me, I would know what they had. If a game called Pole Position doesn't have any nudity in it, I don't have to find nudity anywhere. It's like they have it at bars and truck slaps. Like you wouldn't find erotic photo hunt in an arcade. You find it at a bar. Or a truck stop.
Wow, what's next, guys? What's left? Literally nothing.
She takes out her eyes. Michael, now she's talking to me. Are you jealous? You have to understand, she's working right now. I know when she comes home.
Wait until I beat this level, then see. It's just more money in my pocket, you know what I mean? This game is amazing. What would you do if I told you there's a sequel to Lady Killer? Called Party Time, Go Know the Diver, Part 2. I'm hoping the technology is improved by the time the sequel came out. Everyone put on your virtual reality elements.
Isn't it insane there's a sequel? Isn't that crazy? The first was so successful. It's crazy, it's the first one.
All right, so I guess we should all start. Okay, go for the goods.
She's wearing a helmet. Well, she shouldn't wear a helmet. That I like to see. The last level she takes off the helmet.
Good level. Really good level. Well played. Thank you.
Really reward you. Like fireworks, the frog, the drum, she gets naked. It's like everything you want in a successful movie. I do find this sexier than just regular porn. Because it makes you work for it. You know, she doesn't give it up.
So guys, what have we learned today? What do we think of these erotic arcade games? What have we learned? I would say for me, I've learned that the two elements, video game and terrible, terrible erotica are better than the sum of their parts. Sarah, a female perspective on this? Do any of this have turned you guys on seriously? No, definitely no, no, whatever. |
dropout | all_star_wars_characters_have_stupid_names | Members of the First Order, as we sit idly by, the rebel organization known as The Resistance grows ever stronger, which is why I, Kylo Ren, have been ordered by Supreme Leader Snoke to assemble the galaxy's best bounty hunters and destroy the Resistance once and for all. Here are the mercenaries who will be aiding our righteous quest.
Please continue reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Let's see.
Undera Throx, Mog Tustard, Ryn Ryn Doof. Really, dude? Ryn Ryn Doof? That's your name?
Yeah, what's wrong with it? It just, it just sounds, like, kind of silly. You know, my name is a forbidden word on seven planets in the outer rim. Children weep at its utterance. So, no, I don't think it sounds silly. Not even a little bit?
Our esteemed ally, Bib Fortuna, went to great lengths to assemble this list.
Oh, right, right. Sorry, we'd hate to offend a guy whose name is literally Bib. My B. Anyway, Puz Munchar, Stove Jabs, Boo Boo Fett. I'm Boba's cousin. Yeah, good for you. Toast Krimbley, Grunko Tumbus, Vagina B- Vagina Butthole! Seriously! I know, I know, it's a boy's name, but my dad really wants us. Yeah, don't care.
Seriously, these names aren't raising any flags with you guys. They're all so stupid. Wait, shit, my name isn't stupid too, is it? It's pretty dumb.
Oh yeah, this coming from a guy whose name is literally Dandel Pintown. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dandel's actually the third most popular name on my planet. It's right after Vagina Butthole and, of course, Mark Ruffalo.
Fine, you know what? Whatever, let's just get this over with.
If you have another form, I can fill one out. Okay, no, fuck it. You're right. This is stupid. Let's just build another Death Star. |
cracked | why_game_of_thrones_has_a_real_timeline_problem_episode_3_the_queen_s_justice_got_recap | Hey everyone, thanks for joining us again on another episode of Winter Is Taking Forever on what I thought was the best episode this season. Yeah, I really enjoyed it.
We've been hard on the show. Yeah, I'm still gonna be hard on the show. Right, cause we have to out of love.
The first scene was Jon Snow landing at Dragonstone, which my first thought was, so six months have passed between the last two episodes. Right, Westeros is in a time warp. My second reaction was, they take the weapons and then the Dothraki, like dwarves going to work, just like, take that boat and they're like, we'll store it over with the other boats, I guess. Yeah, they just immediately, they're just like, wait a minute, boat, okay. I wanna make a point that you made earlier, which is like, what is the temperature on Dragonstone? Oh my god. Because like, at various times Jon Snow's wearing a winter coat, Daenerys is occasionally wearing what is the equivalent of a summer dress, and then the Dothraki are wearing just vests.
Like, they got like exposed shoulders, like they're fine. So I liked Tyrion and Jon's homecoming, I thought that was fun. I did like that Tyrion kind of dropped, like, also didn't f*** you sister.
A sham marriage, and unconstimated. I didn't ask where it was.
Tyrion, who has clearly, that's a character who has no shame or sense of awkwardness, felt the need to clear the air, which I love. Okay, so this week on Spider-Man Homecoming, Varys and Melisandre had what I would call a classic evil imp conversation, right? Right, yeah, just a smug battle. Yeah, Varys was finally back to being Varys, which I personally, it's my favorite thing in the show. Just a little s***. I love when Varys is like, so you know I'd like you right, but I'm gonna talk to you anyway.
So what are you gonna do? Die here? Die somewhere else? Die for sure though, right?
She's like, yeah, I'm gonna go, but I will be back motherf***er. And he's like, anyway, I never told you about the time I was cut. Also she just like honestly said, like, I have to die in this strange country. Just like you.
That was fun though. How did you feel about the Jon Snow and Daenerys meeting overall? I liked that they were not fast friends. That meeting didn't go how I think anybody planned, but it was really satisfying to watch. What did you think was gonna happen? I kind of thought they were gonna be buddies. You know what's funny? I think we all did.
And I started to get frustrated with Daenerys. Like she went on this whole, like, she like litigated her case for the throne.
And that's fine. And Jon Snow litigated his case for not kneeling to her. And that's also fine.
But like, I had a real problem with her, like, I don't believe in White Walkers. What do you mean you don't believe in that?
You raised dragons.
You're fireproof. And you know other people aren't fireproof. Right. You're magic. There's a woman walking around your house who's also magic.
Right. Just add it up. This guy, like, came unarmed basically alone from the north to tell you that this is a threat. He clearly believes it's true. Yeah. He didn't bring, like, an army with him. Right. He brought, like, so clearly it wasn't to go there and take over. It was to make it sincere. So it's just weird that Daenerys doesn't instantly assume this is probably true. She might decide not to do anything about it. Right. And that I understand. But, like, not believing it is dumb.
But I think this is also, that scene is a stage towards her seeing her corruption a little bit more. Yeah, because she's becoming a bad guy, right? I don't... Oh, I think they're in the groundwork. I don't think she's fully gonna do it. I think she's definitely gonna have the light and dark side fight. But I think she's gonna stick to the light, but it's in her. And I think you see that there's sparks. And she tried to front with Jon Snow quite a bit.
Yeah. I mean, sending those dragons in for the flyby. Oh, you think she's radioing that in? They're patterned by Snod to flyby.
I didn't realize. I didn't realize how sophisticated this flyby was.
No. I mean, you gotta request it. So let's move on to Euron and the parade of Yara and the Dorne murder fodder. I couldn't figure out why a crowd would ever show up to cheer anybody in King's Landing. No. Like, I was really having a hard time figuring out, like, what is this? Don't you remember the last time you did this? She's now your queen? Why? Because if you're a crowd, if you're just a peasant in this town, how could you possibly get excited for Euron to drag those bodies through?
They just have their whole church blown up by, like, the equivalent of a green nuke. And they're supposed to just come out like, yes, we won something. Yeah. No way.
If I'm a peasant, I am staying home for that fucking show. If I'm still there.
But I've built my bunker in the town, and I'm just living underground with a whole person, living in Tyrion's sewer prostitute path. Well, that's in Casheliadoc, although one can assume that Tyrion's probably put prostitute sewers in every city he's been in.
I don't care about this storyline. Do you care about it? No, because it's over. Because Euron has to matter long enough to die, at least.
Right. The Sand Snakes have been dead. We don't even know their fucking names. I mean, I know that Eliana Sand, I think, is the right name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's confirmed that she's not on the show anymore after this. Right. So we know that's it for them. She's done. She's gonna see some horrible things happen to her. Sure. And then die. Sure. It was five minutes of exposition about what the murder's gonna be. Right.
For something we saw in the Previously On recap, too. I don't need any more like 20s villains recapping what they're gonna do and then tying you to the train tracks. It's like, I get it. Just kiss your daughter, you know, and then go off and have your incest sex to cap the night off. I get it. I just feel like we're starting to get to a point where we're really stacking up a lot of people that are living the rest of their lives in torture and that dungeon. We're just gonna have a whole segment where, like, Cersei does a quick, like, recap tour of that dungeon.
And this is the one that I decided the mountain could fuck forever. And this is the one that's watching your daughter die.
So finally Sansa and Bran are reunited. I mean, I was hoping it was gonna be emotional, but it wasn't. I knew Sansa.
What happened to him? Like, he's, like, he looks like he's seen some shit in, like, a, like, he's not on this planet anymore. Right. You know? But know who also has seen some shit? Sansa. Everybody's seen some shit.
It's like, I don't understand why he gets the claim to, like, be the weird, detached one. And bringing up his sister's wedding was...
Mean. It was just mean. It was a little mean, yeah.
She knows what happened. But see, Sansa got her triumph in the end, to me, because she's, like, I don't want to talk about this.
I'm gonna go. And he's, like, you know what? I'm gonna stay. And it was, like, how you gonna get back?
Because we didn't see Meera back there, who, by the way, Meera looks miserable. Of course she looks miserable. She has the worst job in all of Westeros. She's basically, like, an Iditarod Husky at this point.
The other thing I want to say about the Bran-Santa thing is, like, Bran is clearly the solution to the problem that Littlefinger brought up. Which is, like, Sansa, you can't.
You have to predict the future. You have to know everything that could happen, then nothing can surprise you. And it's, like, I don't know what that means. But then Bran comes in, like, oh, I see everything now. Like, I can predict the future.
It's, like, oh, where's... Okay.
But also, what did Littlefinger, besides seeing the future, literally seeing the future, what did Littlefinger want her to do that she wasn't doing? Because before that, we got a walk and talk of her being, like, we need food for six years.
Put leather on that. You, brush your teeth. This week on Tarly Potter, which is what I'm going to call all of the Sam series. Fair enough. Okay, so apparently curing grayscale is basically, like, peeling an orange. And then, like, you know, the arch-maister's like, I don't like that you did it, but you did it right, so I can't punish you. Come into my chambers. Here's a pen sieve.
But other than them getting points for House Tarly, I really don't understand what we're doing there. Also, this week on deleted scenes, we did catch a glimpse of Randle Tarly and Bronn leading that army to conquer the Tyrells. And like, there was definitely a scene where they were like, why aren't we in the show more? Like, why, why are we not getting a scene, but Sam is getting a whore. But Sam is getting montages.
Right. I would way rather watch his s***y dad and Bronn argue over which one of them gets to give the lieutenant a command. I just want to watch him be angry doing anything. That's my favorite thing. Don't f***ing say it. So how'd you feel about the Lannister's grand scheme to get gold? Smooth move. That's like why they're in charge, is exactly what they did. Yeah, I like that Cersei's actually going to be formidable. Right. That's good.
It showed why they're hard to defeat because for the past two episodes, they're like, why don't we just take them? Well, they've written some stupid problems in for Daenerys. Like, why can't she just tell the dragons to go burn down Casterly Rock? I understand from like a money and a show perspective is like, we don't want to get tired of the dragons. But like, the dragons aren't like just a nuclear bomb.
Like, they are focused. You can like take out the soldiers, you know what I mean? They seem to be intelligent enough to figure things like that out. But it was a cool montage, the Unsullied, just wrecking s***, and then- It was cool. Also, apparently there's way less of them than we thought. Yeah. Because I thought there was like 100,000 Unsullied or something. Yeah, I thought there was a lot of them.
And then they were apparently outnumbered by Casterly Rock, and that's why they won, which is like, in theory, the Lannisters should be like overwhelmed with the army that Daenerys has put together. That's what we've been talking about. Yeah, it was clearly them being more strategic. Apparently Cersei has a legitimate brain for strategy, which is cool, and I like that. Also apparently Euron can teleport anywhere we need him to be, because like he's out there destroying the Unsullied ship, which means they're all stranded at Casterly Rock.
There's some weird time-lapse problems there.
Yeah, they get to Highgarden and- Where they apparently just have vault of gold. We knew they were rich. I guess I didn't know that you could just steal the rich from the Tyrells, but I guess you can. Presumably there is no more financial problem for the Lannisters.
I think is what we're supposed to think. So how did you feel about Olenna's death? I like that she got the final word in. Tell Cersei. Olenna tells Jaime that I was the one that killed Joffrey, and then Jaime's really upset about it and leaves. I thought he was going to kill her with a sword right there. I thought that was a possibility. I liked it, and then the episode ends, and I realized like, oh wait, but he also did so many things since then to get rid of that.
They've all murdered everybody's children.
How mad can you really get about she killed Joffrey? I would've believed it more if Jaime was sitting there with her, and he was like, alright, so wait, how did it happen? You told Littlefinger, and I hated him, and I was off with Brienne for most of that.
That's right. And like, what were you doing? Yeah, you were trying. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You killed him. But then she died in a green nuke. That's right.
Anyways, man, you're the worst.
Prediction time. That's right. Let's finish up with our predictions.
That Cersei and Daenerys and Jon Snow all have to work together. I don't think they would let that happen. It doesn't seem like it. Daenerys is reluctant to work with Jon Snow. She will not work with Cersei Lannister. Nobody wants to work with Cersei Lannister. I don't think narratively they can work together, but it would be a turn I didn't expect.
Yeah. I would like that.
Between Daenerys and Jon Snow, if it can only be one of them, who gets the Iron Throne? I mean, I think narratively and more interestingly, Daenerys gets it. I disagree. I think it's way more interesting if Jon Snow gets it. I think it's more interesting if we have an ambiguous and unpredictable Daenerys. I don't think Jon Snow is a compelling leader the way that Daenerys is. But I think Daenerys' story is way less interesting than Jon Snow's at this point.
I feel like having that ambiguous ending of, is this leader going to be good? Is there going to be peace in Westeros after all? Or is there more proof? So maybe we get the Daenerys that we expect, or we got who we expected, but she's not who we thought she was. Exactly. When does Arya finally show up at Winterfell?
Ever? Never?
I gotta hope soon, because Bran was a big disappointment in Winterfell. I have a sneaky prediction. I think Arya runs into the Hound before she runs into Winterfell and never gets back to Winterfell until the very end. As I think of Arya as no longer being a Lord, Arya is now something else. She's a lone warrior. Where does Meera's story end?
Oh God, I hope the best for her. I hope all good things. She returns and she just, she gets to live a life of like never picking anything up again.
Hey, thanks so much for watching, Winter's Taking Forever, friends. Feel free to hit that C in the middle to subscribe to our channel, hit the notification bell down below and we'll let you know the next time we have a cool video for you.
That's all I got. What he said. She helped. It'll be emotional, but it wasn't. What happened to him?
Like he's, he looks like he's seen some shit in like a, like he's not on this planet anymore. Right, but know who also has seen some shit, Sansa? Everybody's seen some shit.
It's like, I don't understand why he gets the claim to like be the weird, detached one. Yeah, because Bran bringing up his sister's wedding was... Mean? It was just mean. She knows what happened. But see, Sansa got her triumph in the end to me because she's like, I don't want to talk about this.
I'm going to go. And he's like, you know what? I'm going to stay. And it was like, how are you going to get back?
Because we didn't see Mira back there who, by the way, Mira looks miserable. Of course she looks miserable. She has the worst job in all of Westeros. She's basically like an Iditarod Husky at this point.
The other thing I want to say about the Bran Sansa thing is like, Bran is clearly the solution to the problem that Littlefinger brought up, which is like Sansa, you can't, you have to predict the future. You have to know everything that could happen. Then nothing can surprise you. And it's like, I don't know what that means. But then Bran comes in like, oh, I see everything now. Like, I can predict the future. It's like, oh, OK. But also, what did Littlefinger, besides seeing the future, literally seeing the future, what did Littlefinger want her to do that she wasn't doing?
Because before that, we got to walk and talk of her being like, we need food for six years. Put leather on that. You, brush your teeth.
This week on Tarly Potter, which is what I'm going to call all of the Sam series. Fair enough. OK, so apparently curing grayscale is basically like peeling an orange. And then like, you know, the arch maister is like, I don't like that you did it, but you did it right, so I can't punish you. Come into my chambers. Here's a pen sieve.
But other than them getting points for House Tarly, I really don't understand what we're doing there. Also, this week on deleted scenes, we did catch a glimpse of Randle Tarly and Bronn leading that army to conquer the Tyrells.
And like, there was definitely a scene where they were like, why aren't we in the show? Why, why are we not getting a scene?
But Sam is getting a whole arc. Sam is getting montages.
Right. I would way rather watch his s***y dad and Bronn argue over which one of them gets to give the lieutenant a command. I just want to watch him be angry doing anything. That's my favorite thing. Don't f***ing say it. So how'd you feel about the Lannister's grand scheme to get gold? Smooth move. That's like why they're in charge is exactly what they did. Yeah, I like that Cersei is actually going to be formidable. Right. That's good.
It showed why they're hard to defeat because for the past two episodes, they're like, why don't we just take them? Well, they've written some stupid problems in for Daenerys. Like, why can't she just tell the dragons to go burn down Casterly Rock? I understand from like a money and a show perspective is like, we don't want to get tired of the dragons, but like the dragons aren't like just a nuclear bomb, like they are focused.
You can like take out the soldiers. You know what I mean? They seem to be intelligent enough to figure things like that out.
But it was a cool montage. The Unsullied just wrecking s*** and then it was cool. Also, apparently there's way less of them than we thought, because I thought there was like a hundred thousand Unsullied or something. I thought there was a lot of them.
And then they, they were apparently outnumbered by Casterly Rock and that's why they won, which is like, in theory, the Lannisters should be like overwhelmed with the army that Daenerys has put together. That's what we've been talking about. But yeah, it was clearly them being more strategic. Apparently Cersei has a legitimate brain for strategy, which is cool. And I like that also apparently Euron can teleport anywhere we need him to be because like he's out there destroying the Unsullied ship, which means they're all stranded at Casterly Rock.
There's some weird time lapse problems there.
Yeah, they get to Highgarden and where they apparently just have vault of gold. We knew they were rich. I guess I didn't know that you could just steal the rich from the Tyrells, but I guess you can. Presumably there is no more financial problem for the Lannisters.
I think is what we're supposed to think. Yeah. So how did you feel about Olenna's death? I like that she got the final word in. Tell Cersei. Alayna tells Jaime that I was the one that killed Joffrey and then Jaime's really upset about it and leaves. I thought he was going to kill her with a sword right there. Yeah. I thought that was a possibility. I liked it.
And then the episode ends and everyone's like, Oh, wait. Like, but he also did so many things since then to get through that. They've all like murdered everybody's children.
Like how mad can you really get about she killed Joffrey? I would have believed it more if Jaime was like sitting there with her and he was like, all right, so wait, how did it happen? So like you told little finger and like, and I hated him and I was off with Brienne for most of that, right?
That's right. And like, what were you doing? Yeah, you were trying to, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're done. But then she died in a green nuke. That's right. Uh, that's right. Anyways, man, you're the worst. That's right.
Let's finish up with our predictions.
So is there a chance that Cersei and Daenerys and Jon Snow all have to work together? I don't think they would let that happen. It doesn't seem like it. Daenerys is reluctant to work with Jon Snow. She will not work with Cersei Lannister. Nobody wants to work with Cersei Lannister. I don't think narratively they can work together, but they, it wouldn't, it would be a turn I didn't expect.
Yeah. You know, I would like that between Daenerys and Jon Snow, if it can only be one of them who gets the Iron Throne. I mean, I think narratively and more interestingly, Daenerys gets it. I disagree. I think it's way more interesting if Jon Snow gets it. I think it's more interesting if we have a ambiguous and unpredictable Daenerys. I don't think Jon Snow is a compelling leader the way that Daenerys is, but I think Daenerys' story is way less interesting than Jon Snow's at this point. I feel like having that ambiguous ending of, is this leader going to be good? Are we going to, is there going to be peace in Westeros after all, or is there more proof? So maybe we get the Daenerys that we expect, or we got who we expected, but like, she's not who we thought she was. Exactly. When does Arya finally show up at Winterfell?
Ever? Never?
I got to hope soon. Cause like Bran was a big disappointment in Winterfell. I have a sneaky prediction.
Uh, I think Arya runs into the Hound before she runs into Winterfell and never gets back to Winterfell until the very end. Cause I think of Arya as no longer being a Lord. Arya is now something else. She's a lone warrior. Where does Meera's story end?
Oh God, I hope the best for her. I hope all good things. She returns and she just, she gets to live a life of like, never picking anything up again. |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_s_underneath_a_wizard_s_robe | Sam, you've been looking strong. Have you been jerking off?
Yeah. Jerking off those weights? No. What? Right. Yeah? Alright, let's do the video, huh?
Tall bike to be sure. Tall boy.
That's the one they hate Hiroshima.
I love you, Sam. Oh, s**t. I broke my ankle, Sam.
How about we do the video? Show us how to ride a bike, Pring. Sure. First, you want to... Here's the pedal. You want to push the pedal up. That's not a pedal. Get the pedal going. You're going to want to ring the bell. And that should start the bike. You're going to want to push.
It's a pull start.
You know what, son? Yeah? There's a lot of things I haven't taught you yet, son. I learned a lot online. You can't use computer yet. I told you that. Well, I learned how. I looked it up online. How did you do that? You know what, son? I've been thinking a lot about your mother, son. Yeah?
She's a nice lady. She's not going to be staying with us anymore. What, is she moving in with her boyfriend finally? Yeah, her boyfriend.
I think he's a very nice guy. He's going to let her stay with him. Well, that's very kind of him. He's very kind of him. He's such a nice guy. Your mom's boyfriend is the nicest guy. He's always telling me he's my real dad.
Well... Three, two, one, go.
But I'm scared, Papa. I can't hold it. Action. But I'm scared, Papa.
Watch this, watch this. Ready, ready, ready? TV. Take the VCR. The latest model.
Don't shoot me, that's my TV.
Eat shit, man. Keep your eyes on the road, son. Don't look at me, son. Look at the road. That's good, son. Don't look at me. I told you not to look at me. Okay, now you can look at me. Son, what did I say, son?
Just buy the bomb. Don't let this deal blow up in your face, much like the aforementioned bomb.
You had him put a chip on it. No, I'm dead ass. It's just a plate of chips. I know, but you consolidated it into a package. This is all the chips you have. Do you put chips in a plate?
Yes, I do.
I do put chips in a plate. This guy plates his chips.
Is that wrong? Yeah, you're going to hell. That's not a sin. That's the 12th commandment.
That's the 12th? I won't tell you the 11th. What's the 11th? The 11th is put your chips in a bowl. You fucking idiot. So the 11th is just the 12th, but a little better said.
Well, one is telling you what to do, one is telling you what not to do. That was great. Now put that on the plate. Oh my gosh. fuck you. It looks so much better, honestly. Come on, buy the bomb.
Is this a horse? Is this a tiny horse? Is this a third small horse?
Boy, we got our work cut out first, huh? Three horses? One day? What are we ever going to finish?
Where are the tiny horses, by the way? I want a brown horse. I don't care what color horse, and I think the fact that you do, a little racist.
This bomb changed my life, and it's going to end it too. If you're a pretty good guy, I would not have that authentic Latin American sass that you want so badly. It's just all that shit, and I'm just eating one chip. All right, three, two, one, go. Should I walk up? No, no, no, just be there. Should I start staring or looking at the chip? Just fucking grab the chip. Jeez, I hope this bomb doesn't blow up. I'm going to die.
Maybe a little more like... Yeah, okay. My a**hole going... As gas was expelled across it. Huh? He just started recording when you did that. That's so funny. There's no context given. Well, that's what a fart is, isn't it? Get back until it's an a**hole going... But really fast. Ooh, by the bomb. All right, pretend to be deadly.
Did you see your son the other day? Oh, no, I... You lost him. Haven't seen him in a while. Yeah, you lost him.
Yeah. That's sad.
That was one hell of a corn maze. A corn maze?
Yeah. You lost him in a corn maze? Yeah. That's good.
Better where I lost my son. Where'd you lose him?
Winn-Dixie. Winn-Dixie? Funny, my dad lost me to Winn-D...
Son? Dad?
Shut up, man. We don't know where this bomb came from. We don't want it anymore. Two, one... Bye, bye, bye!
Oh, my God. This is so funny. This sucks.
What happened? What happened to your son? I don't know.
What is it? $50! I was... You lost $50 how? Flinging bills around like it was bottle service at the Ritz. And I lost the $50. Well, he lost my $50.
You capture real anger on camera. Really mad. What do you mean? Really upset about it.
You were just here, Mitchell. I saw that. I don't know what you're talking about. I saw you pocket that baby. Wait, do you need to find $50? Jesus.
What are you doing?
That's my $50, dude. That's my $50 for money. We lost the rest. You stopped picking my money.
This bomb's the bomb. If you are interested in any of the...
Fuck! Shit!
Hey. Is there anything we can help you get inside? Um... Any groceries?
I just think it's myself and my gym bag. Thank you. Okay. You'll have a blast. It's gonna be fun. What time is it? It's time to buy the bomb. Hey guys, don't worry. I got this. I've dealt with dragons before. The key is to really get under their scales. Alright. Uh, Frank.
You will be playing an elf bard with a lust for gold and a heart for song. Mitchell. You are playing a half-orc warlock with a black heart and a thirst for blood. And of course I'll be playing a human wizard with dashing looks and a loaded gun.
Actually, no. No? You'll be playing a fighter. No!
What do you do? Oh, okay. Uh, so I walk up to the mysterious man and I say, have you a quest for us? Indeed! I have many a quest for you adventurer, for I am a wizard. No! Is something wrong? If you're a real wizard, then tell me, how many blood keys does it take to open up the bone door? Hmm. Twelve. Lucky guess. Here's one now.
I gotta make a phone call. Megeus. He's obviously a real wizard. Have fun? Then prove it. Cast wand spell. Ooh, but I already have.
Oh shit! The owlbear swipes at you with his mighty claws. A critical hit! For seventeen damage.
Okay, well, I draw my wand and I cast- Wait, was that a goat? What goat? I don't hear a goat.
Hey guys, thanks so much for a great year. What are you going to say on a fun day? Hey guys, thanks so much for coming! Thanks for watching everyone, and if you enjoyed that, there's a lot more on our Patreon. We're done filming for 2020, but we'll be back with a new Wizards Watch and all new sketches this January. We hope you had a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. Real quick, we just wanted to thank Joel Haver for the huge shoutout.
Please go check out his channel in the description. He's got some incredibly funny sketches.
I can't believe you got us to do that. I lost a fifty. You lost my fifty. You capture real anger on camera. That's really bad. What do you mean? Really upset about it. You were just here, Mitchell. I saw that. I don't know what you're talking about. I saw you pocket that way, dude. You need to find fifty dollars. Jesus.
What are you doing?
That's my fifty, dude. That's my fifty for learning. We lost the rest. You stopped taking my money.
This bomb's the bomb. If you're interested in it. Fuck. Shit.
Hey. Is there anything we can help you get inside? Um. Any groceries? I just think it's myself and my gym bag. Thank you. Okay.
You'll have a blast. It's gonna be fun.
Damn it. That was pretty bad. Oh my soul.
I coordinated it all the time. What time is it? It's time to buy the bomb. Hey guys. Don't worry. I got this. I've dealt with dragons before. The key is to really get under their scales. Alright.
Frank, you will be playing an elf bard with a lust for gold and a heart for song. Mitchell, you are playing a half-orc warlock with a black heart and a thirst for blood. And of course I'll be playing a human wizard with dashing looks and a loaded gun.
Actually no. No? You'll be playing a fighter. No!
What do you do? Oh okay. So I walk up to the mysterious man and I say, Have you a quest for us? Indeed! I have many a quest for you adventurer, for I am a wizard. No! Is something wrong? If you're a real wizard then tell me how many blood keys does it take to open up the bomb door? Hmm.
Fine.
Then prove it. Cast one spell. Ooh. But I already have. Oh shit. The owlbear swipes at you with his mighty claws. A critical hit. For seventeen damage. Okay. Well, I draw my wand and I cast. Wait.
Was that a goat? What goat? I don't hear a goat.
Hey guys. Thanks so much for a great year. You gotta sound funny. Hey guys! Thanks so much for coming! Thanks for watching everyone, and if you enjoyed that, there's a lot more on our Patreon. We're done filming for 2020, but we'll be back with a new Wizard's Watch and all new sketches this January. We hope you had a very merry Christmas. And a happy new year. Real quick, we just wanted to thank Joel Haver for the huge shoutout.
Please go check out his channel in the description. He's got some incredibly funny sketches.
Going deep to the lake, but my dad made me cry. I can't believe you got us to do that. |
CrackerMilk | sponsored_by_jeep_wrangler | Hello everyone and welcome back to the Dragon Milk Podcast! Hello! Yay! How exciting!
It's been a while, it's been a while. Anyway, welcome back. We're in a new set now as well.
And you know what? I think we're having a few problems. And I think the only way to solve that is for a trip. And I have the perfect solution.
Where are we going? We're going to fucking space! Off we go! Up there? Fucking space! Up we go! To fucking space! We go straight to space? Yep!
And this is normal space. Not sci-fi fantasy space, okay?
We even rolled with NASA. Well, I did a couple of things to get us in if you know what I mean. What did you do?
Did you fuck the boss of NASA? John NASA? I didn't fuck John NASA. I heard everyone knows about him. I didn't fuck John NASA. Oh, you went on a date with John NASA. I didn't. And I never would have sex with John NASA. Because there's one thing I know about him. Is that he respects science and his cock is huge. John NASA.
So we're in NASA! So how are we getting to space? Huh? How are we getting to space? Like what kind of device are we using to get there? A rocket ship, bro.
What the fucking question was that? What do you mean? What kind of device?
We're fucking a part of NASA. What do you think NASA uses? They could have come up with new technology that teleports us to space. NASA have bought us a jeep. And we're going to take the jeep to space.
Hey boys, it's me. I'm NASA Jim. Oh, hey NASA Jim. I'm John NASA's grandson, NASA Jim. Is your first name actually NASA? Yeah, he's named me after the company and his last name's Jim.
Anyway, so we've been sponsored by jeeps for the next 10 years. We've signed a contract. So we've brought on jeep wrangler. We'll get you into space. So what we've got over here boys, if you just look to the left, is there's a jeep wrangler. Now, that's not any jeep wrangler.
Young man, if you go into the seat, what do you find? Oh my god. That's right, a big button. And what does it do? That's right, it shoves a dick up your arse. I was definitely not expecting that at all.
Is that part of the NASA process? We get dicked before we go into space? Nah, that's just a jeep thing. Can I just have a moment please? I'm pretty sure NASA Jim wants to fuck us. Now, don't get me wrong, I love space. I love rocket ships and I love jeep wranglers. But if there's one thing I don't love, it's getting dicked in the arse when I press a button on a jeep and fucking NASA Jim did it. So what I'm thinking, we take him up into orbit and we push that gun out.
I would love to get some of that Jeep Wrangler sponsorship money. Oh man, there's nothing better than sitting in arse. Jeep fucking Wrangler boys.
Best car. $34.90, drive away. $34.90, drive away. That's right, $34.90.
Gets you to space in no time. A lot of issues with safety but... Use our discount code, use our discount code JEEP for 10% off your next jeep. You want a coconut? Sure. How was that? Hey, none of that allowed on the space flight. That's what my dad, John NASA said. Let's get in the fucking jeep and take off.
Whoa! Oh man, the Jeep Wrangler seatbelts are... Well this is so comfy, I feel like I'm not in a seatbelt at all but I'm so secure, I can barely move. I can't move at all. I can barely fucking stuck in a Jeep Wrangler. Oh my god. What the fuck, NASA Jim, you fucking trapped us in a Jeep Wrangler.
What are you doing to us? Now, what you boys have done is you've gotten inside a sex swing you silly boys. You've sat in a sex swing. Is this the sex swing to space? 2000? Let me give you a push.
Whee! And now... Ahhh!
A weird feature of the Jeep Wrangler is it comes with its own sex swing. That's right, the backseats turn into a sex swing.
Hop in NASA Jim and take us up to the moon. In I get. Push! Push up.
Ahhh!
In orbit! Hey NASA Jim look out over there, all those stars! Oh look at that window, it's beautiful. Sorry, did you hold your breath then? Yeah, the thing about space is this is a realistic situation.
There's a lot of suction. A lot of suction.
What the fuck? What the fuck is that?
Oh, thanks for finding me, guess who it is? Who is it? It's Jeremy, everyone's favourite character who loves Aussie hip-hop. Hey Jeremy, how are ya?
I come with every Jeep Wrangler for $34.90. You come with the Jeep Wrangler? Yeah, if you buy the deluxe edition, I come with the Jeep Wrangler. Well that's right, if you buy the deluxe Jeep Wrangler, a Jeremy who loves Australian hip-hop will come with you.
I shit my pants in grade 3. Now what do you really shit your pants in grade 3? Jeremy. Did Tom shit his pants in grade 3? No, Jeremy shat his pants in grade 3. Jeremy, could you tell me about what happened when you shit your pants in grade 3?
Yeah, every day I went to school, my pants smelled like shit. And when asked about it by Tom, my classmate, I'd get really angry and still smell like poo-poo. And I'd need to go to the teacher and ask for a change of undies. Oh my god, this is a real person you knew who used to shit himself. Yeah. Oh my fucking god. I'm not gonna say his last name, but he smelled like shit every day.
Now what are you equipped with, Jeremy? I'm equipped with a big nappy full of shit and three Hilltop Hood CDs. Well I've got a good planet we can go to. What's that, Jeremy?
Hilltop Planet in Delta Hoods. Jeremy, this is a NASA space program. I don't believe that Hilltop Planet in Delta Hoods exists.
Nah, it's real. Look, we'll get there. We just gotta press this button, that button, and look, we're hyperspeeding, we're going to there. Jeremy, you've just shoved another cock up our asses.
Oh my god. Do you hear that? It sounds like the moon. It's just over there. Wow.
Oh, the moon's talking to us, man. I didn't know the moon could talk. It's a fucking conspiracy, the government never tells us this. Let's find out why. Moon, Moon, how come you can talk, can't?
I'm made of cheese. What kind of cheese are you made of? Just regular, just tasty. Tasty cheese. I'm made of a big Tasty Craft single.
Oi, I'm just gonna take a little piece of other cheese here. You won't mind that, would you, Moon? It's hurt a little bit, but hey, look, I'm all for sharing the love. Hey, how's that taste, mate? Can I get some of that cheese? Take some. How's that taste, mate? I love moon cheese. Oh, there's my spine. That's pretty tasty. Would you like some moon cheese? Yeah, I'm gonna actually... You've eaten too much of me, boys. I'm just gonna take some of this.
The hilltop woods wouldn't agree with that.
I've shit my pants again. Yeah, that's alright, Jeremy. Any other stories about Jeremy you have, Tom? So I've shit my pants again.
And another interesting story about Jeremy is that I didn't see Jeremy for about five years, and then I re-saw him in grade eight on Facebook, and it looked like he was really into Eminem, and he was dressing with silver chains. Was his hair blonde? It was shaved, like Eminem, and he was very saggy. He's wearing very baggy clothes.
So yeah, that's going on. It's me, Jeremy.
I'm in grade eight now, and I still shit my pants, and I'm in TAFE. You're in TAFE in grade eight?
Yeah. Jesus. I want to be a carpenter. Oh yeah? Yeah, I want to build a set of pants that I can shit into. Jesus Christ.
Not the reason you joined NASA? Yeah, I wanted to build a sort of a rocket stage for Hilltop Woods, my favorite Aussie hip-hop band. Do you know the best, my favorite thing about the Jeep Wrangler?
It can take us to Saturn. Let's go to Saturn. Hey, my name's Jeremy Steele, can we ride on the rings? I'm going to hit this big red button.
Oh! That was a dick in the ass again, boys. God damn it. Hang on, let me park on Saturn. Oh. Wow, look, the rings. Wow. And it's a big, it is made of gas. Oh.
Hang on, let me go out and smell it. Smells like if I shit my pants. Because it's a gas plant.
Oh! And that's the end.
It's getting dicked by a Jeep. I was dicked in the ass when I pressed a button on a Jeep and fucking NASA Jim did it. So what I'm thinking, we take him up into orbit and we push that gun out.
Hey, how does that sound, mate? Hey NASA Jim, you coming with us, brother? Oh yeah, sounds great. Hell yeah.
I would love to get some of that Jeep Wrangler sponsorship money. Oh man, there's nothing better than sitting in ass. Jeep fucking Wrangler, boys.
Best car. $34,990, drive away. $34,990, drive away. That's right, $34,990. $34,990, drive away.
A lot of issues with safety, but...
Use our discount code, use our discount code, Jeep, for 10% off your next Jeep. You want a coconut? Sure. How was that?
Hey, none of that allowed on the space flight. My dad, John NASA said. Let's get in the fucking Jeep and take off. Whoa! Slap him, boys.
Oh man, the Jeep Wrangler seat belts are... Well, this is so comfy. I feel like I'm not in a seat belt at all, but I'm so secure.
I can barely move. I can't move at all.
I can barely fucking stuck in a Jeep Wrangler. Oh my God. What the fuck? That's a Jeep. You fucking trapped us in a Jeep Wrangler. What are you doing to us?
Now, what you boys have done is you've gotten inside a sex swing, you silly boys. You've sat in a sex swing. Is this the sex swing to space? 2000?
Let me give you a push. Whee! And now...
The big feature of the Jeep Wrangler is it comes with its own sex swing. That's right, the back seats turn into a sex swing.
Hop in, NASA Jim, and take us up to the moon. In I get. One more push. Push up. Hey, NASA Jim, look out over there.
All those stars. Oh, look at that window. It's beautiful.
Sorry, did you hold your breath then?
Yeah, the thing about space is this is a realistic situation. There's a lot of suction in space. A lot of suction. I don't want to leave the seat.
What the fuck? What the fuck is that? What is that?
Oh, thanks for finding me. Guess who it is? Who is it?
It's Jeremy, everyone's favourite character who loves Aussie hip-hop. Hey, Jeremy, how are ya?
I come with every Jeep Wrangler for $34.99. Do you come with the Jeep Wrangler? Yeah, if you buy the deluxe edition, I come with the Jeep Wrangler. Well, that's right. If you buy the deluxe Jeep Wrangler, a Jeremy who loves Australian hip-hop will come with you.
I shit my pants in grade 3. Now, what are you equipped with, Jeremy? Did you shit your pants in grade 3? Jeremy? Did Tom shit his pants in grade 3? No, Jeremy shat his pants in grade 3. Jeremy, could you tell me about what happened when you shit your pants in grade 3?
Yeah, every day I went to school, my pants smelled like shit. And when asked about it by Tom, my classmate, I'd get really angry and still smell like poo poo. And I'd need to go to the teacher and ask for a change of undies. Oh my god, this is a real person you knew who used to shit himself. Oh my fucking god. I'm not going to say his last name, but he smelled like shit every day.
Now, what are you equipped with, Jeremy? I'm equipped with a big nappy full of shit and three hilltop hood CDs. Well, I've got a good planet we can go to. What's that, Jeremy?
Hilltop planet in delta hoods. Jeremy, this is a NASA space program. I don't believe that hilltop planet in delta hoods exists.
Nah, it's real. Look, we'll get there. We just got to press this button, that button, and look, we're hyperspeeding. We're going to there. Jeremy, you've just shoved another cock up our asses.
Oh my god. Do you hear that? It sounds like the moon. It's just over there. Wow.
It's me, the moon. Oh, the moon's talking to us, man. I didn't know the moon could talk.
It's a fucking conspiracy. The government never tells us this. Let's find out why. Moon, moon, moon. How come you can't talk?
I'm made of cheese. What kind of cheese are you made of? Just regular, just tasty. Tasty cheese. I'm made of a big tasty Kraft single.
Oi, I'm just going to take a little piece of other cheese here. You won't mind that, would you, moon? It's hurt a little bit, but hey, look, I'm all for sharing the love. Hey, how's that taste, mate? Can I get some of that cheese? Take some. How's that taste, mate? I love moon cheese. Oh, that's the cocking balls right there. Oh, there's me spine. That's pretty tasty. Would you like some moon cheese?
Yeah, I'm going to actually, I'm going to... You've eaten too much of me, boys. You've eaten... I'm just going to add a little bit more. He's going to take some of this.
The hilltop woods wouldn't agree with that.
I've shit my pants again. Yeah, that's all right, Jeremy. Any other stories about Jeremy you have, Tom? So I've shit my pants again. And another interesting story about Jeremy is that I didn't see Jeremy for about five years.
And then I re-saw him in grade eight on Facebook and it looked like he was really into Eminem. And he was like dressing with like silver chains. Was his hair blonde? It was shaved and like Eminem. And he was... Who the fuck is this?
And he was wearing very saggy, baggy. He was wearing very baggy clothes.
So yeah, that's going on. It's me, Jeremy. I'm in grade eight now and I still shit my pants. And I'm in TAFE. You're in TAFE in grade eight?
Yeah. Jesus, that is... I'm off to be a carpenter. Oh yeah? Yeah, I want to build a set of pants that I can shit into. Jesus Christ.
Not the reason you joined NASA? Yeah, I wanted to build as sort of a rocket stage for Hilltop Woods, my favorite Aussie hip hop band. Do you know the best, my favorite thing about the Jeep Wrangler?
It can take us to Saturn. Let's go to Saturn. Hey, my name is Jeremy Steele. Can we ride on the rings? I'm going to hit this big red button. That was a dick in the ass again, boys. God damn it. Hang on, let me park on Saturn. Wow, look, the rings.
And it is made of gas. Hang on, let me go out and smell it. Smells like if I shit my pants. Because it's a gas plant.
And that's the end. |
TheOnion | Your_Brain_Gun_Turn_The_Safety_Off_Onion_Talks_Ep_12 | The human brain, it can reason, it keeps us alive, it's the most powerful weapon that we own. So how does it compare with this gun? This gun can shoot a 9mm bullet at 1300 feet per second, it has a muzzle energy of 475 foot pounds. If I were to fire it at any one of you in the front row it would turn your head to mush. You see, the gun is the highest threat to our health, to our safety, so why don't we run away cowering whenever some suspicious person is wielding their brain? We need to start using our brains the same way that we use our guns. Firing thoughts the way that we fire bullets, taking our guns into the workplace, into schools, into busy city intersections, and just spraying everybody with gunfire until the corpses pile up at your feet, or until you're killed by the police. Our brains are really just as dangerous as guns, aren't they?
Now this puzzle, my brain solved this puzzle. My gun cannot do that. My brain ripped through this puzzle like a hollow point bullet, embedding it with shrapnel of reason until the whole thing just bled out.
It is the most deadly weapon. Now the gun does not fall for any stupid tricks. The gun is truth. When I pull this trigger, truth happens.
So old ideas have gotten us what? Debt, climate change, economic inequality. What we have to do is clear the air of old ideas. Moving forward is driven on the fear of not having a good future.
We need to inspire that terror in our brain guns, except exchange the terror with innovation. We consistently underestimate the power of our brains. If I did this with my brain, I'm going to get close, it wouldn't blink, it wouldn't even shiver. But every time I bring a fresh new idea on how to reshape society, throw that on the table, I'm threatening to murder inefficiency right here on this stage in front of everyone. All I have to do is this, so now you can see what my brain can do. No one really knows how the brain works. One cannot prepare for the sudden impact of an idea penetrating your skull at some immeasurable speed when it actually does happen.
One has to cut ties with all old ways of thinking because you're just shooting with intellectual blanks. And when you use a clip...
Join me on my cross country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste the cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork! This is Porkin' Across America. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tarot_reader_jan_janby_on_the_2024_election_snl | Well, with the election less than a year away, 2024 is shaping up to be a big year. here to give us a sense of what's in store is the great British Psychic Tarot card reader, Jan Janby. it's on Snl, or was it in the cards? Oh, yeah, you read Tarot cards. Oh, yes, Michael. I'm a clairvoyant, ghost noticer, and conjurer of spirits. But mainly, I just flip cards.
Careful, Fortune. why not? So how's the election going to go? Oh, yes, yes. great spirit, tell no lies. election, reflection. the cards decide. Kiss the top card. kiss it.
All right, let's see. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, indeed. What? what do you see?
So here we have the Newsman card. There's a Newsman card?
Yes, I think this is about you, Michael. let's see. And the hourglass. that could be time. that could be an hour of sorts. Well, I am taping an hour for my new stand-up special. Yes, yes. The cards predict this special will be your.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear, indeed.
Michael, it's the toilet. the toilet? Yes, yes. something going down. something being flushed. perhaps a career. Or ratings. Or money. Or a career again. does any of this sound spot on? hold on. are you saying that I'm going to lose my career this year? Um, not necessarily.
Okay. well, what else could the cards tell us? Anything about the Super Bowl? Oh, yes. who will win the dreaded American Pigskin? Oink, Go the cards. pig Go the skin. kiss the top card. lick it. what a strange little tongue you have. All right, let's see.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear, indeed.
I'm seeing the Newsman again. the cards aren't done with you. And then the River of Coins. Huh. So the Newsman is giving a great, great deal of money. But to whom? Huh.
Onlyfans. makes sense to you, Michael. The Newsman financially supporting Onlyfans. I mean, I wish it didn't make sense. I am telling you that cards want to emphasize these onlyfans have bankrupted the Newsman. it's that bad. Come on. wait. oh, wait. the cards are speaking to me. they're still speaking to me.
All right. the Newsman again. the beautiful woman. And now I'm seeing a wedding altar.
Okay. that sounds good, right? Oh, I'm not sure.
Oh, the catfish. And the newsman connects to a beautiful woman who turns out to be a catfish. But who, who is the catfish?
What the hell? You know, I feel bad, but I've been having a blast.
Jan, Janby, everybody. we got it. Go, Jan. just goodnight. |
dropout | True_Stories_From_the_CollegeHumor_Office_No_Laugh_Newsroom_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm George Porridge. I'm Allison Oatmeal, and Grant is writing this script in the office about just the stuff he sees.
Right now, Katie is wearing a sweater with llamas on it and drinking fresca from a blue straw. What a weirdo. Trapp is talking about a porn festival where people burn the tapes at the end. Just a second ago, he said that Grant shouldn't put strawberry cream cheese on a raisin bagel because it's too sweet. What a weirdo. Brennan is talking about teens in a basement playing air hockey putting whipped cream on each other's crotches. He's got a coffee from Starbucks Reserve because he thinks he's some kind of somebody.
Now here comes Kellen. Do you guys know Kellen?
He's funny, but his shirt is way too yellow. Trapp shook his hand just now and pulled really hard and so he almost fell. It was funny. Now Kellen is talking about his sinus headache, weirdo.
And what's Rekha up to? Right now she's absentmindedly spinning in her swivel chair talking to Tao. She's spinning faster and faster now. She's screaming wee really loudly. Now she's abruptly stopped spinning and is staring into the middle distance.
She's reaching into the top drawer of her desk and is pulling out some kind of rat or baby possum. She's unhinged her jaw like a snake and is eating the poor creature whole. Its horrible screams have filled the office and Rekha looks like she couldn't be happier about it. What a weirdo.
We go now to weather with Grizabella Grits. Grizabella, how's the week look? It's looking swell so far, George. As swell as Grant looks dressed up or dressed down, whether it's in his nicely tailored blue suit or just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Grant knows how to look good in any occasion.
Interesting. Does it come off like he puts in too much effort? Not at all, Allison. Interesting. It's effortless.
Grant's style is as magnetic as his personality. Boy, this is funny. While I'm on that subject, Grant is a raconteur of the highest order, a born storyteller. But while he's happy to hold court telling tales of his interesting and full life, he's equally satisfied to listen. It's not an act either. He genuinely cares about other people. If I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like Grant is a real mensch. A mensch of the highest order.
You wouldn't think someone with his innate charisma would also be able to hit Grant's 10 rep max on a back squat, but Grant never cuts corners at the gym. He knows that the only person he's in competition with is himself. Can he cook? Unbelievably well. And it's not showy, just wholesome, nutritious meals. He knows the value of a dollar and has eyes that could light up New York. Impressive. That's the only word for him.
Back to you in the studio. Thanks, Chrisabella. We now go to Paul Porridge on the scene of a home invasion near Westchester. Paul, what are you seeing? George, it's a truly shocking scene.
It's rattled me to my very core. In moments like this, I like to think about, I like to think about Grant. It calms me down. I think it calms all of us down, Paul. Do you have a favorite memory of Grant? I feel dispelled wrong.
Interesting. I noticed that as well. You know, these are taken directly from the scripts, so they're translated one to one, which means that the mistake must have been made by whoever wrote this.
I think Grant. Grant O'Brien? I think Grant O'Brien. Checks out. Here's my favorite memory of Grant. I totally understand that you have to search a little bit to recall a fond memory of Grant.
We could grab a bottle of wine and just kinda think this one out if you want. Why don't you make one up? Why don't you just make one up?
Because that's probably- Sure. That'll be faster. Yeah, that's gonna be faster for sure.
Yeah, just mad libs. It has to include soda and rice. My favorite memory of Grant is the vicious ass-kicking he received minutes after this broadcast ended. Gosh, that sounded nice. I'd have to say my three favorite things about Grant are his shameless self-promotion, the way his head just lightly grazes the ceiling in every room he's in, and his rampant syphilis. Say, I'll get in on that action. My three favorite things about Grant are height, general- Electric.
I just can't do this. I'm so sorry, I can't do this. It's okay, it's totally understandable.
But if everyone's doing it, my three favorite things about Grant are that he is very loud. He eats a lot of wet food. That's true. Wet and loud. Wet and loud, and he farts a ton.
Truth. You know, all of your compliments reminded me of my favorite things about Grant. He behaves as though he was shot forward in time from Dust Bowl-era Indianapolis. Yes, he does. That's true. He's the only human being I know who would earnestly interject in a conversation with the term say, you know, like an old-timey person going, say, here's an idea.
And not to repeat points, but height. Three. Wow. And what is that height? Nobody knows. Well, that does it for us this week.
Clearly the winner, as he is every week, is Grant. You don't have to say that. But the loser who laughed the most is Rehka. Really? Thanks for watching. Wow, I felt like Grant was the loser. You know, in a very real way. Grant was the loser, you're right. You know what I like about Grant?
What? Nothing. |
CrackerMilk | the_quickest_way_to_get_sent_to_prison_in_australia | Right we've had multiple reports of people at this address downloading terabytes and terabytes of pirated movies and we can do this the easy way or the hard way. I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah I think you've got the wrong address.
It's clearly you. Me? Why?
Because you're dressed like a fucking pirate. Yeah maybe I wear a tricorne to protect my bald spot from the Sun. Sure I wear vambraces to stop glancing blows and yeah I go out on the weekends with my Somalian friends out in the water.
What's the big deal? You're all the same.
Ladies and gentlemen you will remember this as the day you almost got captured. That is without a doubt the best pirate I've ever seen.
I made you myself a little duffy. I'm five and a five ten.
No! Where's the measuring tape? What have you got? Little lifts in your shoes? No. Take another inch off whatever this is.
Cause you're bite less compressing, bite less compressing. Listen how the fuck was I five nine and now I'm five five. You're quite a few shorter than me. It was the most impressive thing to have. Kind of putting his high heels back on. |
dropout | why_uncle_jesse_was_actually_pathetic | I feel like it's too soon to text my mom back, like I don't want to seem desperate. Oh yeah, no, you should definitely wait, that's what it says in the game. Hey guys, have mercy. Why are you wearing that vest?
So there was this full house marathon on TNT this weekend and it reminded me how cool Uncle Jesse was. Oh, you know, I never really watched that show growing up. Yeah, me neither.
Jesse was the one with the pompadour hair. Yes, exactly. I idolized him growing up. He was pretty much my role model.
Why?
Well, for one, he lived in this really cool attic bedroom. He lived in an attic?
Like a bat? No, not like a bat, it was like his own personal crash pad. Oh, so he owned it? Well, no, technically his brother Danny owned it, he just let Jesse sleep there. For free? Jesse couldn't really afford rent. Did he not have a job? No, man, he was more focused on his rock and roll band. Pat, I'm a little confused why you think this guy is cool, I mean, to me he kind of sounds like an unemployed aspiring rock star who was forced to squat in an attic. Like a bat? Not like a bat, Murph, okay? It's not like he chose to live in the attic.
All the other bedrooms downstairs were just taken up by Danny's three daughters. Wait, Danny had children to support? Yeah, and Jesse still didn't pay rent. No. And Danny's wife was okay with this? She was dead. Did Jesse feel bad that he was mooching off his widower brother-in-law and his three daughters?
Okay, shut up, alright? Jesse wasn't mooching, he did get a job, eventually. He opened his own nightclub. I guess that's something. Wait, who played there? Mostly just Jesse's own band. I know what you two are thinking, okay, but you're taking Jesse completely out of context.
He was a major sex symbol. He married a super hot TV reporter and had two babies with him. Whoa, he was married with kids. Yeah, and he was okay with his wife and infant children living in an attic.
Is that even legal? Pat, is there anything redeemable about this guy at all? Yes, everything!
He loved Elvis. Like my grandmother. He was totally obsessed with his hair and if you touch it he would freak out at you. Did this man get punched a lot? He owned a motorcycle!
Why didn't he sell it and give the money to Danny? Motusaffles are very expensive. I don't know, I don't know, fine, fine, you know what, maybe you two are right. Maybe he wasn't perfect, he didn't have a job or money, but so what?
To me, he was a hero, I have to get out of here. It's time's ideas I wish I could just go live in my uncle's driveway like Cody from step by step. Like a drifter? You're a drifter, Murph. |
Wizards_with_Guns | when_your_hotline_number_is_too_close_to_911_ | Don Cheadle tattletaled on a beetle. Dr. Spock dropped a crock pot with his socks on. I forgot my grenade in a school bus.
That's right. We're a combined 65 years of armed forces service. We're here to field your calls and provide our most sage advice for your trickiest of predicaments. That's right. It seems we're already getting a number of calls.
So while our producers lined that up, first I want to ask, how was your weekend? Well, to be honest, Bill, it was pretty tiring.
Truth to keep waking me up every night, licking my face and begging me for a bowl of food. And Trixie, of course, is your cat.
My wife. Your wife. My wife.
Right. It seems like our first caller is good to go. So remember, if you want to call the station with your own questions, just call our number. That's 912. Caller, you are live.
What's your predicament? My car's all busted up and I need some help. Oh boy. Auto advice. All right.
Well, what's your name and where are you calling from? My name's David Robinson and I'm on the corner of Willow and Man City.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses there, buckaroo.
We don't want your home address on the air now, do we? I don't think you understand.
I was just in a car crash and my phone's about to die. I think I need an ambulance.
All right. You know what?
I'm sick and tired of these pranksters.
Ron, can we get the next caller, please? We ready? What's your predicament? Hiya. Long time listener, many time caller. Hiya, Marcy. Let me guess, you're stuck elbow deep in a gumball machine again, aren't you?
Yeah. All right, Marcy. You listening? Marcy. No. Marcy, can you dance? Kinda. Marcy, are you near a subway? Yeah. You're wearing a big old hat, Marcy. Yeah. All right, Marcy. Here's what you gotta do. Okay. Marcy, throw your hat in the ground. All right. Marcy, declare to the crowd, hear ye, hear ye, gather round.
Marcy, what's a gumball in that machine there cost? About 25 cents. Put a quarter in.
Yeah. Pull your right arm out. Yeah. Are you free, Marcy? Yeah.
And that's what it's all about. Thank you, Marcy. That'll be all.
All right, now remember, if you wanna call in with your own questions, again, that number is 912. It seems we have the next caller ready. All right, let's fire away. What's your predicament?
I don't think you understand. It's a real rager. A rager?
Like a party? Like a dinner party?
No. My house, it's on fire. My wife. My kids. My uncle.
Pranks? Really, Ron. Really, Ron? Seriously.
If you keep letting the pranksters get through, the people with the real predicaments, they're not gonna get the help they need. That's right. And to the folks out there who are actually interested in our advice, that number again is 912. Oh, okay. We have another call. This one better be real, Ron. Swear to my suspenders.
What's your predicament? Hello?
I just got home from work and everything's gone. They took my furniture, my television, even my dog.
Ron! Ron, are you serious, Ron? Honestly. Ron. How do you do it? Ronald.
It's almost amazing. Pranks! Hello?
I forgot to take my insulin shot this morning and I need a candy bar or something. I'm stranded. Please, somebody help.
Ron!
You're supposed to be our Nick. Are you serious? People are dying. You're letting us down. They're dying to hear our advice. Hello?
I've got a good sense of humor. You're the one who's... I know good plans on us. It's you.
I'm sick of it.
Look at him. Look at me. No, look at me, Ron. No, no. Look at me. Are you looking? Which one are you looking at, Ron?
I took my glasses off. I can't tell. My feeling knows no bounds, Ronnethin.
I'm done. I'm... Are you done?
Get out of the trash, Ron. I guess we're the ones with the predicament now, huh, Bill?
So it would seem, Bill. So. It. Would. Seem.
I... I don't know. I just don't feel so well. I think I need to call my cardiologist. I'm... I'm gonna have a palpitation or something.
Oh, yeah. You should do that. But, uh, make it quick. Oh.
I called the wrong number. Whoops. Well, how'd you manage to do that? Well, I'm stressed. It's a tense situation. I might hit a... miss a button.
Jeez, relax. Take one of these. It's called a chill pill. Dill. Well, maybe I will take a chill pill, Bill. This is not good for us.
I, uh, okay. Let's just do one more. Let's wrap it up. Ron? Okay. Again, that number is, uh, 912. Okay. Yep. Alright.
What's your predicament? Hello.
There's a man in my house. I'm hiding in the closet. I can hear him getting closer.
Alright, lady. Please. Hurry.
What? Really, Ron?
Right now. Another call. Okay. Uh, hello. What's your... Hello.
I'm the host of a radio advice show, and I need some serious help. Finally. A real predicament. Ron, are you sick?
I mean, wow. Just wow.
Ron. Warm up line 3, take 4. Action. My voice real quick. There we go.
The Black Panther was an overrated movie.
I was hoping you'd do that.
Ron, the gates of Tartarus are open. Ron, the gates of Tartarus swing both ways, Ron.
My theory knows no about...
Can we do that again? That's so funny. |
dropout | the_truth_about_the_mcdonald_s_coffee_lawsuit_adam_ruins_everything | Our justice system is way less impartial than we like to think. Adam, I'm serious. Kendra's freedom is on the line. Please stop scaring her. No, I knew it. The system is going to screw me.
They throw innocent people in jail while some old lady who spills hot coffee on herself gets a million bucks. Ah, yes, the famous McDonald's hot coffee lawsuit.
That case was terrible, but not for the reason you think. In fact, everything you've heard about it is wrong. Tell me, what do you think happened in that case?
So there was this greedy lady, and she was all, I want money. My ethics are questionable. So she gets a coffee at McDonald's, but she's like, I'm too dumb to know that coffee is hot. And she's driving all crazy, and she spills a little on her lap. Then she's all like, boo-hoo, I'm suing McDonald's. I deserve money for being stupid. And now she's a millionaire, and probably owns the clippers or whatever.
Sorry, all of that is wrong, the facts, the outcome, and especially that voice. Hey, a strong choice is better than no choice at all. Here's what actually happened.
Stella Liebeck was a 79-year-old woman whose grandson drove her to McDonald's. She was in a parked car holding hot coffee in her lap when it spilled. Now Stella openly admitted that the spill was her mistake.
But the results were horrifying. She had third-degree burns on her legs and genitals, and she went into shock. She had to undergo painful skin graft operations, and her surgeon said it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. Stella was permanently disfigured and nearly died. Third-degree burns?
How is that possible? No one serves coffee that hot? You're right, only a clown would.
The reason Stella's injuries were so severe is that McDonald's was serving coffee at up to 190 degrees. That's almost boiling. McDonald's themselves even admitted that at that temperature, their coffee was a hazard. In fact, in the decade prior, over 700 people notified McDonald's that they had been burned by their coffee. Holy crow.
The real irony is, Stella didn't even want to go to court. She just wanted McDonald's to help pay her $20,000 in out-of-pocket medical expenses. But after making her wait for six months, they only offered her $800. Stella tried to get McDonald's to settle. She even agreed to mediation. But McDonald's wouldn't budge. They gave her no choice but to go to court. So when the jury heard Stella's story, they found that McDonald's had acted so irresponsibly, they had to be punished.
They burned 700 people? This has got to stop. Let's find them two days coffee, so that's $2.7 million. That ought to teach them a lesson. It does. Robble, Robble. And it worked. In the end, Stella settled for less than $600,000. But that was enough to get McDonald's to lower their temperature and stop burning people.
This was an incredibly rare case where a working-class victim actually beat a huge team of corporate lawyers and made the world a better place. Wow, how did I not know about this? Because those corporate lawyers are really good at their jobs.
They spent years running a disinformation campaign to convince Americans that there was an epidemic of frivolous lawsuits. And the media bought it.
It seems she was holding a cup between her legs while driving. Now she claims she broke her nose on the sneeze guard at the sizzler, bending over, looking at the chickpeas.
You get me one coffee drinker on that jury? You gonna walk out of there a rich man?
And because of this false narrative, the witch hunt against frivolous lawsuits continues to this day. While they're really mad. Except that that anger's not real. These protests have been organized and sponsored by large corporations. Kendra, this is Michael McCann. He's a professor of law and politics at the University of Washington and a co-author of Distorting the Law. Kendra, the last several decades, large corporations, afraid of being sued for making unsafe products, created front groups like Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse to try and turn public opinion against lawsuits.
This included companies like Pfizer and Texaco and big tobacco companies like Philip Morris. Philip Morris?
Yeah. And by spreading this false story, they got everyone to believe that silly lawsuits were rampant. And nothing could be further from the truth.
The best social science evidence shows that the number of personal injury lawsuits in recent decades has declined. And the median payout is only $55,000.
Uh-oh, they smell the money, I better get out of here. Bye. Thanks, Michael. These mother falcon companies dragged an old lady through the mud so that we wouldn't be able to sue them anymore? Yeah. This story is insane. McDonald's had a policy that almost killed someone and it took Stella's lawsuit to change it. She should be considered a hero, but because of these companies, we treat her like a punch line. Okay.
Are you two done talking about civil court cases? Because Kendra's case is in criminal court. It's a completely different system, one that I happen to know quite a bit about. She has a great case and the jury is going to be very responsive to it. Oh, there are a ton of problems with jury trials.
If you do another act, I swear to go. Sorry, it's happening, we'll be right back. Hey guys, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | oh_the_places_you_ll_actually_go | This is it. This moment right now is the youngest you'll be for the rest of your life. Just wait and see. So sit back, relax and try to have fun. You'll be even older when this cartoon is done. On this milestone, people will tell you you're great. All your friends will hear, too, of their wonderful fate.
Max dominates baseball. He might even go pro.
McGill plans to sing songs in a travelling show. Omar wants to make partner at Figglestone Shlife. Sally Sue's got a trust fund she's set for life.
Now just wait for a second. How can that be? Not everyone's special, statistically. Chances are better, though you don't want to believe that most of your goals will not be achieved. You'll set out today to follow your dreams, but you'll quickly discover life's not what it seems.
It's awkward, it's lonely, and you'll have no assurance that you won't have to serve coffee just to get health insurance. You'll call your friends' parents and your parents' friends. All social interactions now are a means to an end.
You'll soon sink to a place you think is low, but then it gets lower. You'll learn how low, low things go. You'll waste a few weeks, a few months, a few years, until you come to embody all of your fears. You'll live with your parents who love you less and less while your life crumbles around you in a big, heaping mess. Just keep waiting around, and one day you'll see your life's not as bad as it maybe could be. You probably won't starve or anything like that. In fact, in all likelihood, you're gonna get fat.
Sorry to disappoint, but I'm telling the truth. Your high expectations are a product of youth. But mediocrity's normal. It's what the word means. So come on, kid. Just give up your dreams. Then again, maybe I'm not the best guy for real-world advice-giving. I'm a fake doctor who writes rhymes for a living. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_cecily_strong_snl | President Biden, seen here begging for one more year before the midterms, warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results, warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos? I thought we'd been living in chaos for at least six years.
I mean, Nancy Pelosi's husband was attacked in their home by a guy with a hammer, and instead of even basic sympathy, Republicans were like, we heard he gay. Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Pelosi's husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with a message, got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready.
And I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert on getting hammered in your underwear. Also, Don Jr. is that your underwear, man? Why isn't it so dirty and stretched out? Like you were trying to burn Paul Pelosi, but now I'm just wondering if you wear your dad's old underwear.
After meeting with the Anti-defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on, he will pretend to not be anti-semitic. Brooklynette star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti-semitic film Hebrew to Negroes, Wake Up Black America. You know, Hebrew to Negroes was also the name of my favorite R&b group in the 90s. just days before the midterm elections, Oprah Winfrey endorsed John Fetterman instead of the monster she unleashed upon us. Isn't it crazy that Oprah gave Dr. Oz his career and even she's turned against him? It's like if Robin ran for Mayor of Gotham and Batman was like, I fully endorse Penguin. Hershel Walker responded to Barack Obama criticizing his qualifications to be in the Senate by saying, put my resume against his resume. Fine. So here's Obama's resume and here's Hershel Walker's. it's better than I thought. it's better. a couple typos. the latest Jobs report shows that last month, the U.s. economy added over 200,000 jobs. we'll see about that, said Elon Musk. this is interesting. since Elon Musk took over Twitter, use of the N-word on the site has reportedly jumped 500 percent. it's the biggest increase in the use of the N-word since the last time I stubbed my toe. Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. huh. it seems like he's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I've heard is the definition of something. See, I'm noticing a trend with Kanye. his business deals went bad and he just started calling it a Jewish conspiracy. sort of like when his albums got bad and he just started calling it gospel.
Tomorrow is the New York City Marathon, or, as Fox News will report it, undocumented Africans run wild in streets of New York. China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station. now all they have to do is launch some children to assemble it. New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary. Cnn has announced that due to budget cuts, they are scaling back on original series and documentaries. Yeah, apparently there was a flaw with the business model of giving Stanley Tucci millions of dollars to each gelato. a zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms.
So you want to try laughing at me again, monkeys? What happened to you, man? tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean, and all because the little mermaid is black. it's not real. a linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful sounding baby names, with the top spots once again going to Matthew and Sophia, while the worst sounding names are moist and slurp. Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. the hand grenades were discovered when one beachgoer said, mommy, look at this shell I found.
Nasa has released an image of the sun in which it appears to be smiling. So if the sun can smile, would it kill you ladies to try it?
An Arizona woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five month old child was sitting home alone, like a loser. with so many. what's that called? a baby a loser? with so many midterm raises tightening, it's hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls, social issues or economic concerns. Here to comment is Tammy the Trucker, who promises she's here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What? Tammy the Trucker, Breaker Breaker, Big Mama, Over. Wow, Tammy. So you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me. Yes, I thought it would, Colin Jost. that's why I'm here, Tammy the Trucker. And what was that about? Not talking about abortion? No, no, no, no, no. Breaker Breaker, Double Dipper. I got a Big Daddy on my tail. And all I'm here to talk about is gas, even though the Supreme court sent Roe V. Wade to that big pit stop in the sky. Beep, beep. yeah, 50 years of precedent. beep, beep. where's both? Cecily, are you okay? it seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion. calm your cooter down, Beaver-conneaver. I'm Tina the Trucker, whatever name I gave you.
I got to be in Rancho Cucarumba by nightfall. Rancho Cucarumba?
Cecily, what are you doing? I don't know, Colin.
I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? gas prices are up and families are really hurting. but that's not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. we're in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. honk-honk, Breaker Breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. it's not really magic, because they told us that's exactly what they're going to do. And they've been doing it. Breaker Breaker, Big Daddy. I got a double nickel on the big slab. did you just, like, google trucker term? oh, like research? Yeah, here, hold that.
Look, I don't want to talk about abortion on live Tv or Peacock, whatever that counts as. these are scary times, okay? Because they don't want to just take away access to health care. they want to criminalize it, too. I mean, it's so bad us truckers are all out here, warning each other to delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I wear my bad underwear. but I can't. in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime.
Aruba! I don't think it's Aruba, I think it's A-u-ga.
Do you have something against, you are riding my ass, dude. My point is, give me that. My point is, you shouldn't have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. beep, beep. Watch this. My clear, my rear clear, beep. I'm backing up about 50 years into the past. Okay, I gotcha, I gotcha.
Yeah, I know this one's fun for you, Okay? let me give you some little chucker toys, Okay? Yeah, here you go. here's a Nudie mag and here's this. Oh, is this Gatorade? Well, it wasn't one point. look at your naked gals, okay?
Look, truth is, I have felt pretty helpless over the past year and it's hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here's the thing I can say. there's one mother-chuckin' thing we can do to fight for mother-chuckin' freedom to make our own health care decisions, And that's vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. someone has had an abortion, I mean drives a truck. beep, beep. I love that. Good job, everyone. for weekend update, I'm Colin Jones. on my birthday, good night. bye-bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_264_Hugh_Forrest | Petuta is looking lovely today, dry, bit of cool air out the back. Yeah, happens in June. We often get cool air in wintertime, Clancy. And today's guest comes from a very similar climate to us here in the proud Western Queensland back country.
He's from Texas. He's bigger than Texas on paper. On paper he's actually, he's quite a strapping gent, but on paper he's bigger than Texas.
He's from the home of, I guess is it the home of Chopped and Screwed? The what? It's the home of absolutely no state income tax.
Oh hell yeah. Hell yeah.
But you can go with Willy Nelson. How about that? Willy Nelson. There you go.
And McConaughey. And the adopted home of George W. Bush. Yes. Kind of there. Beyonce Knowles. Houston. Oh yeah, there's a few cities. But Austin, keep Austin weird.
And today's guest has been helping do that since 1989. Hugh Forrest, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me. It's a great honour to be here, excited to talk to you about what we do in Austin and what's coming up in Sydney.
So before we kick off, I know that a lot of people who visit here, a lot of high profile important people, you know, world leaders, people who have- Joe Biden just flaked us. Titans of business, they head down to the zoo and they hold a koala.
Have you done that yet? And you're saying that I'm a titan of business and an important person. Well, no, I haven't done that yet. That must disqualify me from that characterisation.
No, the only Texans that come out to Western Queensland are usually from King Ranch out there at Corpus Christi. So they- Nice. Come out here and we teach them how to rope cattle the proper way. Wow, that sounds- I wish I was staying longer so I could learn that. Well, we got a lot to learn from you, Hugh.
First of all, I want to ask, South by Southwest, this is something that's happening in Sydney very soon. It's something that's come from Austin, born in Austin. When did you first get involved in this whole thing and were you there in the garage days of the Zuckerberg garage days or was this thing operating and you wanted to be part of this thing or? South by Southwest launched in Austin as a music only event way back in the dark ages of 1987. I came on board in the slightly less dark ages of 1989. My origin story and with the context that origin stories are sometimes real and sometimes a little bit, you know, fictional is that I got hired because I had a computer and they didn't. I also had a printer. So you can take various things from that story, not the least of which is the importance of having the right hardware at the right time. So would you say for those first decade or so you were building the plane as you were flying it with South by Southwest?
I think we are still building the plane as we are flying it. If you haven't seen that, then great. But it is always a work in progress. And I was meeting with the Sydney team on Monday afternoon, they asked me, well, why do you keep doing this? And I said, well, I love doing this. I love people coming to the event and saying it's the highlight of their year. So that's one.
And two, you know, we've never quite gotten it right. If we ever did, it'd be mic drop and I could walk away, but it's like, ah, this all right and this isn't quite right.
We got to fix that. And then we fix that. And then we got to fix that.
Was there ever a year, and I know when you look back at your life's work, there's often a year where you're like, man, that felt like a hole in one. Was there ever a year where at least it felt like a perfect drive? Well, certainly one of our big highlight years was for South by Southwest in Austin was 2016.
We were fortunate enough to have keynote speeches by both Barack Obama as well as his lovely wife, Michelle Obama. So having the leader of the free world grace your event, I'm not sure there's a whole lot more you can do beyond that. But we'll try. I remember 2016, there was a band from Sydney played there called Food Court, and they might not have had the right visas, but they got there as well as Obama. They might not.
They turned up at the border with all these musical instruments and the man on the border was like, here for a holiday, gentlemen. And they were like, absolutely, sir. And in they came.
But you said just before that you're still building the plane as you're flying it. How much has the festival changed, like obviously in size, but like has the ethos about what South by Southwest has, has that evolved over time? Absolutely. I mean, we have, as I said a few minutes ago, we started as a music only event in 1987. We added tech and film to the mix seven years later in 1994.
We have pivoted a ton over the course of 30 years. In 2023, we cover, you know, food, fashion, sports, social media, transportation, all kinds of different verticals. So again, it's pivoted a whole lot. It will continue to pivot a lot. But the North Star remains entirely consistent in 2023, 2024 to where we were in 1987.
And I think that North Star is very much aligns with the North Star here in Sydney, which is a focus on massive creativity and bringing together people who are extremely creative to a city that always celebrates creativity and kind of standing back and watching what happens when you mix these very creative people from very different places, from very different industries together, and often some really powerful ideas, opportunities emerge from that. Now, I don't know much about Austin's demographics, but Sydney is very much so different to when it hosted the Sydney Olympics, its last real hoedown. Sydney actually has become visibly and always was, but very much visibly and culturally an Asian city.
Are you looking forward to some of that in terms of this? Is this some sort of the Antipodean flair you're looking for, or what brought you to Sydney? That's my question. You have to tone down those big words for me, but...
Antipodean. That's what the royals call us in England, the Antipodeans.
Certainly we are excited about the opportunities in Sydney to create more of a footprint in the Pacific Rim, the Asian Pacific region. That is because one, it's a long, long way from Austin. We get some of this community coming to March in Austin, but also we think that there's a lot of potential here that we haven't realized.
Two, there is so much creativity coming out of this area, and certainly stating the obvious and talk to my 12-year-old son about this, K-pop has taken over the world. K-pop, that's it. You see them down there in the ICC, all the kids rehearsing their dance moves, looking into the reflective glass. It's very visible in this city. Absolutely. Everyone wants the Chinese price, everyone wants the Japanese quality, and they want the Korean design. We get it all here in Australia. Another funny thing I find is what each city in this country now represents outside.
Brisbane is going to be the sports town moving forward, 10 years' time. Melbourne is the lockdown town in the autocratic dictatorship. You can't make light of what happened in Melbourne. 300 days they did, but Melbourne hasn't bounced back.
But in Sydney, they're going to have South by Southwest. What verticals are you running in Sydney, and will it be any different to what happens in Austin? Well, certainly the Sydney team, and there is a very strong and robust and energetic team locally that's working hard on this hour by hour, day by day, has studied what we've done in Austin, studied that very religiously. And as you know, a lot of the Sydney team came to Austin last March and participated in the event. I think that, or I hope that they will take the best of what we've done in Austin, improve on that, see the mistakes we've made, eliminate those. I also think it's extremely important for Sydney to not simply try to duplicate, replicate Austin, but create its own vision of what... Vision and version of what massive creativity looks like in Sydney, and that'll be slightly different. For Austin, people ask me, what will South by Southwest look like in five years? And I generally say, I don't know, but I think it will look a lot like what the city of Austin looks like. I think Sydney will do well to follow that same path, is emphasize the strengths, the many creative opportunities, the demographics, the population, all the cool things that happen here, and that's a formula for success. Sydney is very much like Austin, or Austin is very much like Sydney, in that eliminate the South by Southwest, even part of the equation, people want to come here. Which is, people want to come to Austin in March also, and that's been a big part of our growth and our value proposition.
So when did you, with the team over there, begin thinking about a sister city? Yeah, because this is the first time it's ever been out of Austin, isn't it? No, this is the first time we have had an event branded South by Southwest outside of Austin.
We have done other events over the years. We did an event in Portland, Oregon for a while. We did an event in Las Vegas. We did an event briefly with Mercedes in Germany, and then in Stockholm, Sweden.
But none of these events were of the scale, of the magnitude, of the vision, of the importance of what we're doing here for October 2023. To your question of when did we start this discussion, this started back in 2018, then we had that minor disturbance of our lives beginning in March 2020, and the discussions kind of went on hold for a little bit.
But it's exciting. We're thrilled with the opportunities here. We're thrilled how this will help Austin grow, how this will help Sydney grow. This essentially takes South by Southwest to a whole other level, and I can't wait to see how this all plays out. You talk about Massive Creation.
What did that look like in 1989? Well, in 1989, again, the event was very focused on music. Austin had an extremely strong live music scene at the time. It still has a strong live music scene. But when the event, the first year of the event, 1987, you know, I think my boss planned for 300 people would show up, they had 700 people show up.
Wow. This immediately resonated.
You know, came to Austin, a lot of these people coming from out of town to Austin because again, they'd heard of the Austin music scene, they'd heard of how cool, fun, neat place Austin was. When we added in film and what was then called multimedia to the mix, that very much, again, reflected what was trending in Austin. On the film side, you had these two young directors, Rick Linkletter and Robert Rodriguez who were beginning to make national waves. On the tech side, you had this guy who was selling computers out of his dorm room. You may have heard of him, Michael Dell, who's creating this whole ecosystem. So again, you know, the event reflected the city. And you've all probably, or you may have heard this idea of Keep Austin Weird, which has gotten a ton of traction over the years.
Easy to remember, sounds great. I tend to... It's a bit tired, is that what you're trying to say?
No, no, no, no. I tend to think that our current mayor, his version of that is that Keep Austin Weird really means keep Austin creative. And again, that's what we try to do at South by Southwest in Austin. I think that's very much the mission of the team here in Sydney. It really is an interesting kind of place when you look at it as an outsider, Austin. You know, with Texas, we grew up with Chuck Norris and probably Willie Nelson was probably a little bit too weird. He didn't immediately associate himself with Texas. It was more, you know, no country for old men. What's it like on the streets in Austin? Is it a metropolitan vibe or do you still feel like your country too?
Well, it's, you know, we've been very lucky, fortunate that Austin has grown a ton in the last 10 years, even more so in the last five years. I grew up in Austin. When I grew up, it was very much a kind of sleepy college town. 250,000 people, 40,000 of those people were students at the University of Texas. It is not a sleepy college town anymore. It's not nearly as big as Sydney, but it is a boom town. It's one of the fastest growing cities in the U.S. Huge tech industry there, but lots of arts and creatives or creatives of all types. And it's been neat that South by Southwest has played some small part in that growth.
I know that, you know, just anecdotally, I have so many stories of people who have moved to Austin. They say, well, you know, I came to South by Southwest in blank, blank year. And I had such a great time, I decided I'd move here. Now, I say that is a great thing. There are certainly lots of people stuck in traffic at 10 a.m. in the morning. You're like, damn, all these people who moved here.
Do you still get to see the old bell buckle or big cowboy hat on the Main Street? You see a little bit of that, but that's more Dallas. It may be more Houston also. I mean, you know, it's a little bit of mix of that old Austin vibe and, you know, where we are in 2023. I think certainly there's been so much growth over the last few years that a lot has changed, but change is always a good thing and it's better than the alternative. And what does the change mean for what you're showcasing at South by Southwest?
I mean, obviously, the first thing I would think of is virtual, like, you know, a lot of the stuff that we all learned in about 48 hours when lockdown first happened. I mean, there was apps that I haven't used since lockdown. House party was one of them where we'd all just pretend we were in a bar.
Yeah. And we'd give all of our data to God knows who. Yeah. But then there was, you know, and then obviously, I don't want to say too much because I don't know who you're working with, but Skype got caught sleeping and, you know, other options popped up overnight. And, you know, we end up in this world. And then at one point before, as it was really starting to do our heads and we start talking about metaverses and stuff like that, you know, is this kind of alternative world or virtual interaction playing a bigger role? Certainly. I mean, on a lot of different levels.
2021 for South by Southwest, because of the challenges of COVID, was an entirely virtual event. 2022, March 2022, was this, quote, hybrid event, which meant half virtual, half in real life.
And, you know, from an uneducated perspective, I.E.R. perspective, it's like, well, that's only going to be twice as much work. But it actually is about 200 times more work. So let's not do that quite again. But, you know, to your point, we certainly a lot more focus on metaverse, VR, AR at South by Southwest. And certainly, you know, given where we are in the last three months, AI, generative AI, chat, GPT, everyone wants to celebrate it or bemoan that it is the loss of, you know, the end of civilization or somewhere in between. And I think there'll be a lot of focus on these things at the Sydney event. We're also, you know, doing a little bit more content on the promise and possibilities of quantum, which is a little bit farther out, but coming quickly. And that will give me more time to actually kind of understand what quantum is. Now, except everything faster.
I love it, because at the end of the day, you can't know everything that's about to be showcased, can you? Like, you can know who the point of contact is. You can't know what he's about to tell the world. Absolutely. I'm glad you understand the challenges of my position.
Explain cryptocurrencies, please. Well, you put a whole bunch of money in this thing and then a few years later, it's not worth anything. It goes away. Seth Green gets robbed.
Well, as the chief programming officer, it is your job to oversee all of this content. What does good content look like to you? That's a great question. I think that good content is something that whether it's a speech, whether it's a movie, whether it's a band performing, the person attending the community, the audience leaves with a different perspective on the world.
They leave inspired. Wow, that was incredible. I've got energy to do something. They leave wanting more. And in our best days at an event like South by Southwest, theoretically, they're seeing something, hearing a new idea that they've never seen before. And, you know, three years later, that idea, that person, that innovator, that startup becomes more mainstream. And they're like, yeah, I saw those folks at South by Southwest three years ago. That's pretty neat. That brings me to my next question.
Who would you argue, and it's, you know, it's a tough one to say, but I'm sure you'd be able to prove it, who, aside from the Dell and your friends early on, have made their name? Was it, was Elon Musk, you know, was he on the front foot when, before we knew who Elon Musk was, was he South by Southwest? Are there people that have come through that kind of explain to everyone there first what then became a part of everyday life? Yeah, I mean, we've definitely been very fortunate in having a lot of those stories. We had, Elon has spoken twice at the event. I think that, um, I think the first time was 2015 and certainly a lot of people knew who he was then, but not nearly the amount that do now, but He was still the iron man, mysterious.
Yeah. And he hadn't quite gone to Where he's at. Yep. Oh, thank you. Not say that. Okay.
He hasn't gone on to be a champion of free speech, you know, he's exploring space, but people like, and I mentioned this in a talk yesterday, Lizzo played one of her first shows at South by Southwest in 2013, Katy Perry got initial buzz out of the event, Billie Eilish, that's from the film side, from the music side, from the film side, someone like Lena Dunham of girls got a first start there. And from the tech side, certainly our most famous moment, our turning point, our tipping point, um, was 2007 when Twitter ostensibly launched at South by Southwest. And you know, Stoner's walked in from San Francisco.
And I was, was Ashton there? Uh, Ashton has never officially spoken. I did meet Ashton backstage in an event, and it was one of my funnier, um, memories of South by Southwest, where there was a bunch of us standing backstage before a speaker went on and this guy came in at a baseball cap and I was like, oh, that's Ashton Kutcher.
And he's really tall also. And there was a famous musician, I'm not going to name the person's name because it would be incriminating, who came up and talked to him and said, oh, who are you? And he, she had no idea who this person was. And hearing him explain himself in a very humble way, I'm this actor, I've got a TV show and I invest in some startups.
So that was a fun memory. Well, at least there wasn't a hidden camera there when it was there. There probably was that we just don't know about yet.
Well, I want to talk to the, um, the old rock dog side of you now. I know you also have been involved in a reggae festival. I know you did your homework. That's the thing you've created here. We can look up everyone's background, everyone's resume. What is, from your earliest beginnings when it was very much a music thing, you expecting 300, 700 turned up, and now you're in the antipodes of Australia talking about doing the same thing here. Who is your favorite band and who is your favorite current band? Uh, well, uh, I'm going to go straight down the middle on this one. I'm a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. I've gone to see.
You're one of those guys? One of those guys. You follow the tour dates on the shirt? I've kind of like, you can stand there for three and a half hours and just sing along. Don't say that in a loving way. Yeah. I, I, I can't believe I missed him in New Zealand when he opened with Lord. That was the one that everyone talks about in the Southern hemisphere. Uh, but you are one of those guys.
I've seen probably 35, 40 shows and, and he was a keynote speaker to, uh, South by Southwest 2012. He had a new album that, that, uh, was launching in March. He wanted to push this thing and, you know, onsite, I tend to be working, managing emails, seeing, absorbing the thing from my computer and staff. My friends on staff know I'm a huge Bruce fan. And it's like, just leave, go, go watch the keynote. You know, I've seen Bruce on stage so many times. I've got this great memory of him.
I don't want to go watch him speak where he may make an idiot of himself or whatever. And it's my thing. I was totally, totally wrong. He went up there, he blew the thing away. It was very much a kind of a precursor to the Broadway show, um, talking about his life experiences. So I missed that completely. I did have seen it via our YouTube recording.
So again, huge Bruce fan. That's been a kind of lifelong passion. Um, can I just ask you, your son, is your son named Tom or Frankie or Louis, we went with the straight ahead Hugh on that one, but, uh, you know, I think, um, you know, more recently, uh, tying into my side hustle of doing a reggae festival in Austin, a big fan of coffee. Um, and I think that's amazing to have a young woman who's doing interesting stuff in a space that has traditionally been dominated by, uh, by men. Um, and that's, that's been a big part of my life. Um, and that's, that's been neat to follow also.
Well, it sounds like South by Southwest is on top of everything. Well, before any of us, uh, no one likes to think that no one likes to think that, you know what I mean? It's like, you know, when you're kind of, when you realize you're the older cousin and you don't really, and you don't know what the hell the kids are playing at Christmas, you know, uh, no one likes to think that South by Southwest is the little cousin of, uh, of this entire space.
So we look forward to seeing, you know, what you are bringing to the table in Sydney and what you have, what you can show us. Just tell me about what this year looks like now. Well, we're, as we record this, we're about four months away. So there's still a lot in the works, a lot of stuff to be finalized and confirmed, but particularly being here in Sydney this week, seeing a lot of the venues, meeting a lot of the organizers, meeting more of the creative community here. I'm, I'm really excited about all the energy, all the enthusiasm, all the excitement, all that passion. I think we're gonna, um, I think it's going to be a great start in, uh, 2023 and something that will, uh, build, uh, significantly in the years to come. Again, it's a great place to get new ideas, get inspired, meet people who are doing innovative, interesting things, uh, create new opportunities, uh, new businesses, um, things that, that, that will lead to lots of great, um, outcomes. And, um, again, just so, so excited that we can expand the family to the Pacific Rim. Thank you. And, uh, I look forward to seeing the talent that exists in our own backyard.
Yeah. I'm looking forward to, uh, this festival, bringing the people of New South Wales into the 21st century, because particularly the police, you know, they're still shutting down rap shows in this, in New South Wales. They just, they just don't get it. Yep. Let the kids, they don't get origin and they don't get tech. Yeah. Let the kids, let the kids play maybe South by Southwest.
Sydney is the first time we see one, four on stage. Maybe, uh, it's the first time we see a number of things in our lives and we'll be there and we'll be excitedly waiting for the next four months. Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for the support, giving me a little bit of platform to talk about what we're doing. And again, I just can't emphasize how much we're excited about this new opportunity, how much, uh, Sydney, you know, replicates or is similar to Austin in so many ways, but so different in so many ways. And the possibilities here are just amazing. Well, thank you for seeing the weirdness in Sydney too.
By the way, that's what they say. Sydney is a weird place and it gets away with, uh, you know, being this chilled out because of the ocean views and the harbor views, but you start walking down, you know, the station streets or the, you know, you get, you get to where the, where the pubs are. You're going to meet some of the most interesting people you've met. Carry on about their harbor.
You know, it's just a, you know, a big blue bin as far as I'm concerned. No, it's Sydney's always been a rather weird place ever since, um, ever since they decided to draw up the city with, with no rulers. Let me tell you that it was, um, and I'm sure you'll notice this getting around town, there's no rhyme or reason to the city, there's no grid.
And that's why you end up with these funny enclaves in different places that you just didn't expect. You thought there'd be a train station or maybe you ended up with a bustling enclave.
Keep Sydney weird. Keep your town weird. Keep Sydney weird. Keep Austin weird.
Thank you for joining us. You forest. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_on_jesus_part_1 | Humans craved enlightenment. To find it, they'd need a spiritual role model, an icon, an almost Christ-like figure. And as luck would have it, someone fitting that bell was about to arrive. None other than Mr. Jesus Christ. An icon, it was almost as revered back then as Beyonce is today.
Jesus's mum was this woman, the Virgin Mary, who one night got visited by an angel and told she'd been gotten pregnant by a Holy Ghost. Of course, actual ghost is ectoplasm, which only contains ghost sperm. But Jesus wasn't born a phantom, leading experts to believe Mary wasn't impregnated by a real ghost, but by a man in a sheet, like in Scooby-Doo.
Jesus was born Jewish, but soon converted to carpentry as he followed his dad into the primitive chair and table industry. What's ironic about Jesus Christ becoming a carpenter was he was actually named after the two words you're most likely to shout after hitting your thumb with a hammer. Scholars believe he was a real historical figure, like Justin Timberlake or Garfield. Whether or not they think he was the actual son of God who performed miracles like walking on wine or helping a deaf man see, they all agree he preached tolerance and forgiveness. A message so important his most ardent followers would eventually start killing anyone who didn't want to hear it.
Mary had to give birth here on the floor like a crack addict and then lay him in a manger. Manger is another word for trough, and it's where we get the name for modern sandwich chain ready to trough.
He was born in a humble stable, which ironically isn't a stable environment for a baby, unless it's a baby donkey, which if records are to be believed, Jesus wasn't. In fact, as this actual painting makes clear, when Christ was born, he had a magic flaming circle on his head, which would have set fire to all the hay and pubes as he came out. The baby Jesus wasn't an ordinary baby. He was born with a big yellow circle around his head, which must have been hell for Mary to push out, especially when you think nothing had ever been in or out of her down below before. If only he had been born a ghost after all, then he could have just floated out, clanking chains and going woo.
Where did Father Christmas come from? Father Christmas comes from Saint Nicholas, and he is a fourth century Greek saint and bishop, and he was very renowned for giving presents to the poor, and particularly he gave presents to these three girls.
If he hadn't given them the money, they would have had to go off and be prostitutes. So why was he knocking about with his prostitutes? I don't think he knew them very well. It's just that they- Well, well enough to give them gifts. Give them money. I don't, I think he just wanted to save them from the horrors of- I think because basically- They all say that, don't they? They do.
How come shops have Father Christmases, but they don't have Jesuses? Is Jesuses the right term? Is it Jesusi or- I think we'd say figures of Jesus. Figures of Jesus. I think that Father Christmas himself would probably have preferred there to be figures of Jesus, because in fact, there is a medieval story.
Saint Nicholas got in a punch up about whether or not God or Jesus was greater and was thrown into prison. So he was obviously very exercised about the purity of religion. It's all coming out, isn't it? You know, because I didn't know that he used to hang about with prostitutes or get into fights. Now I'm feeling less happy with him coming down my chimney. Jesus was killed because people didn't like what he was saying.
So could you call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture? I think cancel culture would sort of require the idea that people really saw Jesus as standing for something and they were sure they knew what it was. Oh no, sorry, that wasn't the question. I'm literally asking if you could call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture for our show.
Down that lens there. Just, you know, it's a sort of, it's for a credit sequence with punchy sound bites in it. Off you go. Down that lens. Okay, down this lens.
Yeah. You might even say Jesus was the first celebrity victim of cancel culture. Brilliant, thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | joe_franklin_show_3_saturday_night_live | A good, good evening my friends, a good evening, I'm Joe Franklin, we are coming to you as always by our good friends and sponsors, beverages by Hoffman, Martin Paints, Martin Paints at Anxious Paints, Matzes by Stripes for the unleavened experience of a lifetime, and welcoming a new product from a celebrity superstar, This is Raymond Burr's Nipple Rouge, for the blush of springtime every time, anytime. My guest today on the panel's super duper stars welcome the great ventriloquist, Senor Cosa and Ricardo, and we are thrilled to have with us the Great Liberace, and joining us also our dear friend, the Mayor of Tin Pan Alley, Mr. Irving Cone, the great songwriter Irving Cone, hello, Irv. you know Joe, in the old days, they had a little ting that they used to call Vuthaville, Hmm. I live, Lib, Lee, Lib, the one, the only, what do you think of this super duper panel of stars?
Gee, I don't know, if he was such fabulous company, I would have worn something more spectacular. that makes Ricardo laugh, Senor Cosa. Well, you see Joe, he uses the Castilian pronunciation of the sound, so he doesn't say, he says, I see, Kotha, So Lee, have you ever seen the great Senor Kotha work? No, I haven't, but they're just fabulous, you know, it's almost frightening, it's like he's possessed or something. I know, Senor Cosa, would you like to work with the Great Liberace? Oh yes, sure, of course, anyone of this caliber of Liberace, of course, I'd be honored to work with him, Yes. would you like that, Ricardo? Oh yes, I such a new word, but not with you. Ricardo.
I love them every time, they tickle me, Irving Cone, you're with us, He has written 17,000 songs, my friends, such great songs, I'll refresh your memory lane, memory, Wigwam Serenade, which is from the 1928 Broadway classic Kiss Me, I'm Colored. Irving, your thoughts, this panel. you know, Joe, if I might say to you at this time, what a thrill it is for me to be on this talk show type thing, And it was such a thrill that on the way over from the Brill Building today, I wrote this song for you, give me a C, a bouncy C. Joe Franklin, he's quite a guy, he stands. I would say about those so high, he talks to the people and that's a good thing, Liberace stops by and he's wearing his rings, the puppet kid is here too, whatever the hell else you want to put in there. Irving. Lee, what do you think of the wonderful Irving Cone? Oh yeah, it's amazing that a man of his age can still perform and write and sing his music, it's fabulous, I'm inspired. would you like to get that old?
No. Lee, you are a big, big star, you go all over the world, you tour people, come to see you, you are a legend in show business, Let me ask you this, the college basketball championship Monday night, your thoughts, any predictions? anyone? I don't know, Ricardo.
I agree with the puppet, yeah, with Pat and Ewing under the boards, they're absolutely awesome. they are absolutely awesome. Like good friends, Matzas from Stripes, which you can eat in the room painted by Martin Paints, they ain't Just Paints, Wash them down with the Hoffman beverages as you apply Raymond Burr's Nipple Rouge for the blush of springtime, anytime, every time, This is a great product, Did you ever use the Nipple Rouge Irving? Nipple Rouge used to be a favorite of the late great Sophie Tucker.
I miss Irving, your feelings about Liberace. Liberace is a perfectionist in the tradition of the late great Al Jolson.
Well, that's very sweet of you to say that. Today, Lee, the kids refuse to learn their craft, they're too busy singing, you ain't nothing but a hound dog and driving around in the cars. in the old days, people knew they had to put in the hours if they wanted the results, whether it was the kid with the dogs leaping through the hoop type thing, or the guy with the plates, we were pros. And if that's considered a dirty void, then I don't have to sit here and take that kind of abuse, Leonard, get me the car.
This is an Emmy Award-winning show, my Friends. Senya Kosa, the album I dug out is called Castanets and Clowns of Yours and it was recorded in 1962 in. in Barcelona, in the town of Barcelona in a small nightclub, Joe. that's exciting, Lee, would you like to hear an original recording done by Senya Kosa, this international star? Oh, it'd be a thrill of a lifetime. Well, I'm excited, so let's all go down memory lane together, my friends, and listen to this great recording of. Spanish Nights. One of my favorites, Lee, yours too? Oh, absolutely. well, good. Well, we're in agreement. we're going to listen to this great tune done by this fabulous performer, doing what he does best. Listen to Spanish Nights coming up right now.
I missed those Spanish nights when the wind blew in my window and the baby cried. I missed those Spanish nights.
This is an Olympic Blue Medal winning panel. I'm excited, Lee, I'd love to see you and Senya work in Las Vegas anytime. Oh, it'd be so exciting to work with the Senya. me too. and you too, Ricardo. Oh, thank you. But that was Sophie. And that's why Liberace is the perfectionist that we all love him to be, and why Flo Ziegfeld is the greatest living producer today. I'm putting this show in the safe they took out of the Andrea Doria. this is a once-in-a-lifetime show. Senya Kosa and Ricardo, thank you. we'll see you soon, I hope.
Liberace, the one, the only, what can I say you are appearing at? Radio City Music Hall starting April 4th. I'll see you there. I wouldn't miss it. I can't wait to see you. And Irving Cohn, we could see you where?
Until then, my friend, this is Joe Franklin saying let's all wave goodbye. Bye. |
dropout | everybody_s_i_don_t_care_about_sports_friend_hardly_working | She knows Smith's just not cut out for the pros. Who said anything about pros?
Dude plays for the Jets, right?
I don't care about sports. Okay, what the hell is that? Oh, sorry, that's I don't care about sports, but he perfectly mimics human interaction, but just ended up being one of those guys who has to announce his ambivalence about sports all the time. I don't care about sports.
That's funny, yeah, those guys are like robots. Yeah, totally.
I don't care about sports. Anyways, do you know fucking Smith? I don't care about sports.
Wow, okay, that's actually kind of annoying. Is that what he does all the time? He just derails conversation.
I don't care about sports. Yeah, I guess he just wants everyone to know all of his strong non-feelings about sports. I don't care about sports.
Why doesn't he just like wait for a couple minutes until the conversation naturally changes?
I don't care about sports.
I don't know, he can't.
I don't care about sports. Okay, if he doesn't care, why does he keep talking about it? I don't care about sports. I guess he's just kind of an asshole. I don't care about sports. So he just inserts himself in conversation to ruin everyone's fun. I don't care about sports.
Oh yeah, he came to my Super Bowl party one time.
I don't care about sports. I just kept talking about how he only watched for the commercials. I don't care about sports. I think that made him intellectually superior. I don't care about sports.
Dude, you love ads, you're brilliant.
I do care about sports. He must have been held during the World Cup. I don't care about sports.
Oh yeah, I got totally into it this year.
I don't care about sports. He'd tag along to watch the games and just complain the whole time. I don't care about sports. I guess he hated how it made people happy and brought them together. I don't care about sports. The worst thing is that it automatically uploads all of his shitty ambivalence to the internet. I don't care about sports.
Oh Christ, okay, I can't say this anymore. Let's just talk about something else so that he'll shut down.
I don't care about sports. What do you want to talk about I don't care about sports about? About how I don't care about sports.
Thank you. I'm welcome to death.
I was not programmed to feel joy.
I'll need to steal it from others. |
TheOnion | Experts_Agree_Giant_Bioengineered_Crabs_Pose_No_Threat | I'm Juliana Makanis sitting in for Clifford Banes, who was never that great of a host anyway.
Scientists at a remote laboratory in Phoenix announced this week they have bio-engineered a race of 75-foot tall, extremely strong crabs to assist with large construction projects. An op-ed in the New York Times says, quote, we have absolutely no reason to be worried about these giant crabs at all. And they do seem as if they'll be very helpful, don't they? Yes. I don't see why we should be concerned. The scientists who created these huge super crabs have promised there's no way for them to get out of their constraints and turn on their human masters. Absolutely. I trust the scientists. Yes. They know what they're doing. You know, these crabs are going to be great for America's construction projects because I've read that these crabs are so strong that they can lift and throw objects as large as cars and passenger trains. Absolutely. And you know, the acid that the crabs shoot from their mouths up to 300 yards.
Wow. That is going to be so helpful in melting down loose debris on construction sites. The Wall Street Journal thinks that they are going to be a huge boost to the economy. Oh, absolutely. I can see the headlines now. Giant crabs descend upon Detroit, rebuild failing infrastructure, and revitalize downtown. Oh, that would be so grand.
And you know, it was so inspiring the way he found success after that horrible military accident. Oh, that was awful. You know, that left him eating the robotic claw for our hand. It would have made anybody else bitter and vengeful, but not him. He went on to give us giant, marvelous crabs.
But some people aren't so sure. There's a letter to the editor in the Washington Post today from a mild-mannered mathematician with an attractive female assistant saying that we should be very careful not to allow our hubris to make us think that we can never totally control nature. Oh, that's ridiculous. Hey, personally, I've had enough of these naysayers. Oh, they just love stopping progress.
And the research has shown that these crabs are unusually intelligent. Oh, did you hear about the baby crab that solved the Rubik's Cube that a security guard had left on the table? That's a smart crab.
Phenomenal. Leslie, you're going to see the first public unveiling of the largest of the crabs tomorrow, the queen crab in New York City, isn't that right? Yes. It's one of the thousands down there in Times Square. You are the luckiest person. Well, thank you.
We're all going to be cheering. There's going to be a lot of flash photography. I'm sure the crabs are going to love all that attention. |
SaturdayNightLive | king_brothers_toyota_snl | Hey there, folks, I'm Randy King of King Brothers Toyota, and I'm Shorty King Jr. and we are overstocked with Tacoma's, Sea Innis, Colorado's, and even Highlander's all at rock bottom prices as part of our King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thons. So come on down to King Brothers Toyota off Highway 8, exit 260, because deals like this don't come off it. get your butt down to King Brothers Toyota right here at beautiful Brenham, Texas off Highway 8, exit 260. Take the left lane. you got to get hard in that left lane, because if you stay even one second in the right lane, you'll get stuck in the massive overflow line for the new Raisin Canes. this restaurant is prohibitively popular, y'all. the line backs up to the light, onto the off-ramp, and into the highway. Do Not Stay in the right lane. hard, hard left, y'all. turn to the left when you take 260, or you'll miss King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thons. Why are we overstocked? I'll tell you why, Because nobody can get here due to the stupid Long Canes line taking up the whole day road. we have been absolutely screwed by the Brenham Chamber of Commerce and their villainous patron, councilman, Hugo Gallegos. since taking office in May, Hugo Gallegos has defiled Exit 260 with the Chick-fil-a and In-n-out burgers, and now a Raisin Canes chicken figure basket. These trendy chains all come with their own massive drive-through lines, managed only by a handful of ineffectual ipad-ed teams. we are deep in the red, folks, which is why corporate has sent us the nation's best, most jacked Toyota salesman, Brian Patmore. these two are afraid to get their hands dirty, but not Brian Patmore. So Raisin Canes, you have 24 hours to shut down your Brenham location. if you do not comply, each hour I will reveal to the public one ingredient to the secret recipe of your legendary Cane Sauce. don't believe me? Check this out. Ketchup. We are drowning in Tacoma's, and we are trapped here. we literally cannot leave due to the longest Hail Canes line. I personally have missed so many family events. things like nieces christening, first daughter's recital, and even little Jc is Nathan Detroit and Guys and Dolls at the Middle School. I now speak directly to the coward, Hugo Gallegos. you have defiled the once beautiful exit 260, and if the big-ass Canes line is allowed to stand, King Brother's Toyota will fall. My daughter Haley is a classics professor at Brenham Community College, and she has described our plight as a funhouse mirror held up against the American dream.
I said, I don't know about all that, baby girl, All of a sudden I'm getting effed in the A by councilman yooka yooka, But all is not lost, because we have sales warrior in Christ, Brian Patmore. Well, well, well, it seems the fat cats at Canes think this is some kind of game. Well, Brian Patmore don't play no games. Next ingredient, Peppa. And the clock begins anew, tick tock, Canes, tick tock.
Hard into that left lane. Get in that left lane. hard. hard to the left. |
SaturdayNightLive | fair_dinkum_championship_finals_saturday_night_live | How long again, everybody? Joe Fiskebow, live. blockin'' Derry, Scotland, Saturday Night Sports, Championship Finals, Ancient Scottish Sport, Fair dinkum! It's a Scottish game of manhood. the final round features the Mcfarland Ramblers and the Highland reachers who boast 13 championships, kilts, hanging from the rafters. Well, the action is just about ready to begin as the players approach the table. let's check out this exciting action. Now, this should be some match. both teams come into the finals undefeated. All right, here comes our referee, Gilbert Mcgodfrey. Then the ref was carefully checking their positioning. Let's see, they're about ready. Oh, there you go, it's a clean start. Highland appears to be getting the best of the early exchanges. offensive specialist Mcintyre seems to be containing the onslaught. it looks like a fairly even matchup at this point. of course, from this angle, it's hard to tell how much action is going on under there.
That, ladies and gentlemen, that is a frogin'.' Minus three points for unnecessary roughness. Yes, let's see what the ref says. three points, unnecessary roughness. the first frogin' of the game comes at 103. Boy, it looked like a painful frogin',' didn't it?
Unbelievable. Okay, the tempo on the attack has picked up on both sides. the attack for the ramblers looks like he's going for an overreach. Yes, you can see this ancient Scottish game of manhood requires superb conditioning and a furious determination. the ramblers seem to be a full press. And the full kilts, a full kilt, a fair defense. I can't believe it. Unbelievable, look at that action. the ramblers have won in a dramatic, dramatic fashion. This is your physical Live. Welcome to a Scotland Saturday Night Sports. Unbelievable.
Yes! Yeah! yeah! |
cracked | what_the_kid_from_a_christmas_story_would_be_like_at_23 | Oh, hey Brian, you grab me a paper towel. Oh you bet Only I didn't say fudge I said the word the big one the f dash dash dash word Please don't tell me Though you said the word fuck you're 23 years old. You're 23 years old Yeah, which is why I have a job a girlfriend the ability to shave and I'm fine with curse words Yeah, is that also why you're being such a cool? Only I didn't say Claude I said the cream mother of dirty words C-dash dash dash dash dash dash dash dash dash dash dash dash dash dash The hell's a chicken faggot Will you just hand me the paper towels, please you don't understand Nick This is serious if my mom finds out she's gonna kick my boots Only I didn't say patoot I said Wait, what did I say but toot really slowly like you were on tranquilizers Is everything okay?
Only I didn't say the Holocaust was exaggerated I said everything's fine Why do you look like you just thought something anti-semitic? Why do you look good? You just thought something anti-semitic You know what?
I'll just get the paper towels myself. No wait Only none of that happened instead I ripped Nick's shirt off spray them with mustard and shat myself Damn it Ryan. Shut up you butt-sucking Indian giver Only I didn't say shut up you butt-sucking. You did what smells like shart |
TheOnion | Obama_Issues_Presidential_Pardon_To_Get_Biden_Out_Of_Jail_For_Third_Time_This_Year | President Obama exercised his presidential clemency powers last Friday, issuing pardons to 17 incarcerated felons, including Vice President Joe Biden, who had gotten himself locked up for the third time this year. After being arrested last week for what the vice president described as a bunch of trumped-up male fraud bullshit, Biden reportedly made a 3 a.m. collect call to the White House on the prison payphone, telling the president, Uncle Joe fucked up bad.
I need you to use some of that sweet black magic of yours.
This is just the latest example of the president using executive privileges to extricate Joe Biden from Washington-area jails, having expunged the vice president of grand larceny charges just last month when D.C. police caught Mr. Biden selling stolen car parts out of his Camp David chop shop. A number of Republicans are calling these pardons a federal overreach, to which Obama responded, All of those pardoned have shown real remorse for their crimes. That includes Joe Biden, who assures me this was the wake-up call he needed. President Obama was reportedly less easygoing with the vice president behind the scenes, driving from jail to an all-night diner where the two ate breakfast without speaking. However, White House sources have confirmed that the president will be loaning Biden $13,000 to help him get his new import business off the ground. |
SaturdayNightLive | oscars_red_carpet_cold_open_snl | I'm the man inside your hotel Tv who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez. And I'm either Maria Menounos or Kid Hoover. they haven't told me which yet.
And you're about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic. Ozempic.
I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes. And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours. we have not slept or used the bathroom. our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we're seals at the zoo. But it's all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing. And oops, we almost forgot. every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women's feet. here we go. everyone needed to see that. Now, last year's Oscars had the Slap, which was awesome. I mean, bad. so bad. we hated all the attention. So this year, to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security, notoriously calm and sane person, Mike Tyson.
Thank you. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, that's so nice of y'all. thank you so much.
I am ready to handle the pathetians judiciously and expeditiously. but I should warn you, the following things will set me off.: clapping. statutes of gold people. and shows that last more than two hours. and also hearing the phrase, the magic of movies. And are there any new security measures in place? Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes, this year all the nominees have been given tasers. all the seat fillers have been given guns. and Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flamethrower. And not that we're hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack? Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith's pocket. so we know exactly where he'll be at all times, unless, of course, he changes pants and then he could be anywhere.
So stay frosty, everybody. Stay Frosty. uh-oh, I'm legit scared.
And now, of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year. So if you think about how racist and sexist your Grandpa was at 95 by comparison, Oscar's looking pretty darn good.
And, oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it's first time nominee for best supporting Actress, Jamie Lee Curtis. How great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I'm nominated. Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight? Kirkland by Costco. Jamie, you've also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees. well, because these actresses rule.
Kate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is soam I allowed to curse? uh, no. she is so hot! And Tarrtarr was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German. And it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing? I think you're gonna. what Ariana Debose did at the Baptist was fun. it was by far the best live rap performance I've seen all year. it was incredible.
Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I'm on my way home. it's way past mommy's bedtime. uh, I just now, one group that doesn't traditionally watch the Oscars are degenerate gamblers. And that's why this year we're partnering with Draft Kings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What's the latest update, fellas? Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. we got three to one odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately. Two, and one that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase, we are all Ukraine. and ten to one that someone in the in memoriam is still alive. we're also seeing a lot of movement in the who's gonna make a surprise appearance poll. that's right. Some of the favorite long shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, the judges that overturned Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is a billion to one odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West. Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I'm told we have the stars of the banshees of Inna Sharon, Colin Farrell, and Brendan Gleason. How do you guys like your chances tonight?
Uh, you know, that's the words, And you know, like, take words, our troops, for we're in your bay. give me grain grain, grain pew, a tarry, swill, two nitries in it. Yeah. But like they say, you know, our times to go are forgiven like it's been for long on.
Ten key team, the whole team at Caa. Wow, and they haven't even started drinking yet. And this is so exciting.
I'm being told we have Michelle Williams. Close, it's Michelle Williams' Jewish acting coach for the Fablemans. Hello, hello, it's wonderful to be here, even though my hair is for cocked, But Boruch Hashem, I'm here. So was the Fablemans your first Hollywood project? Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Miss Maisel, and weirdly, for Avatar. the third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo. And how did you think that Michelle's performance turned out? Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes, and he is, I think she is Jewish. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach, Chuck Schumer. Wow, I loved getting that insight.
And finally, this is a surprise, but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise. Hello, hi. Tom Cruise, you're wonderful to be here. Oh, my God, it's George Santo. no, no, I'm definitely Thomas Q. Cruise. star of this year's blockbuster film, Top Gun 2, Top Bottom. George, you're not fooling anyone. Yeah, except I did, and now I'm in Congress.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go be Everyone everywhere all at once. Now, let's take a quick break, and when we return, we'll be talking with pinocchio from Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio. I'm-a gonna scare us so many kids. and live from New York, it's Santa Maria! |
dropout | did_you_just_call_me_a_mudblood | From warp drives to warpstone, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Unactualy. Joining us today, we have Brian Murphy. Hi. We have Natalie Palamides. And we have Demi Adjuibe.
So to briefly explain the game, I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements about the franchises that you love, or if you don't love, someone out there loves deeply and passionately. But these are all false statements.
So it's up to you to find the thing that I said that is incorrect, buzz in, and correct me. There's only two rules, really. Every correction must be preceded by the phrase, um, actually. If you don't say, um, actually, I will not give you a point. It's really the only rule. I can't break it. The other is that you can interrupt me whenever you want. Just like in real life, it doesn't matter the point I'm trying to make, what matters is that you know.
That's it. You got it.
Natalie already rearing to go. Um, actually, she didn't say, I'm actually, oh, come on, Demi. And Demi, with a smart ass correction, also very much in the spirit of the game. I can already feel that I'm going to come in second place again.
This first statement is about Harry Potter. Harry Potter. In the Harry Potter series, the caretaker of Hogwarts, Argus Filch, is a non-magical person from a wizarding family, also known as a muggle. Um, actually, he's not from a wizarding family because he's a muggle. No, he's a non-magical person from a wizarding family. Um, actually, non-magical people from non-magical families are muggles.
That's correct. Oh. Can you tell me what the term is for a non-magical person from a wizarding family? Ooh, yes I can. It's a mudblood. That is not correct. That's not what we're looking for. I'm so confident. I'm still going to give you the point, unless someone can tell me the term I'm looking for. Is it just loser? Yeah. Are you okay? Can I just do that for a while? Yeah, we can just hold on to that. Okay, I'm just going to guess, um, mug-fug. I mean, that sounds like the right, like, tone. But Debbie, we'll give you the point. You identified what was incorrect, which is that a non-magical person from a wizarding family is not known as a muggle, or was not known as a muggle. They are known as a squid. Oh.
Are you kidding me? No, thank you. It was like a slur, honestly. It was like that squib over there. It was like, Jesus. How does Harry Potter words do sound like, like, oh, I'm offended by that, but I can't tell you why. Yeah, it's got that, like, that real, like, linguistic crunchiness of just, like, nuh, I don't know what you're saying to me, but no thank you. Poor guy, too. Yeah.
I mean, think about that, being born into a family of wizards, and you aren't? If you're a brother, it can be, like, just, like, make magic whenever you want, and you're just, like...
Stop hitting yourself.
Nightmare. Well, that is a point for Demi. Nice one, Demi. All my points today go to Susan G. Komen, Race for the Cure. That's what I'm playing for. Our next question is about Final Fantasy. Fudge me. Okay.
Shinra, the corporation opposed by the eco-terrorist group Avalanche, has constructed a series of reactors that are slowly but surely destroying the planet. The reactors harvest Mako, the life force of the planet, that in its crystal form, Materia, can be shaped and molded into magical weaponry.
Um, actually, Materia is not a weapon in and of itself. They're, like, little crystal gems that you can put in weapons. That's correct. Things you can wear or wield. It's not the crystal... The crystal itself doesn't get formed into weapons. You make a weapon that will just have a random slot in it, and then you just jam a fucking cool rock in there. Just like real weapons. Yeah, you know how real weapons you... You leave space for cool rocks to be jammed in. Just tape your cool rocks to your gun, you know? What are you doing to your gun?
Making it look cool. Yeah, it's like when you put flames on a car. Yeah. It makes you super cool. It also lets you control fire. It's, like, a really cool thing about, uh...
Unless you're a squib. Yeah, unless you're a squib.
Right. Then your brother can do it. Yeah. Give me back my shoes. We will move right along. Uh, this one, uh... I'll be interested to see who... of the reaction to this one. This one was about the animated series Gargoyles. Did you even watch Gargoyles? Okay. Let's do this.
The Gargoyles, winged protectors of New York, gifted with stone bodies and the ability to glide, not fly, all named themselves Goliath, Hudson, Brooklyn, Lexington, and Bronx. Um, actually, one of their names is D'Angelo. Get over here, D'Angelo.
No, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.
Um, actually, Goliath's name is Lower East Side. Yeah, but Goliath has really been gentrified lately. No, no, no. That is, uh, is named Goliath.
Demi. Um, actually, Bronx is the one that did not name himself. That's very funny, because that's not what we were thinking. What we were actually going for was Goliath also did not name himself. But I think that has to be true, because Bronx is the dog, right? Bronx can't possibly, like, name himself, so... Okay, that wasn't what we were going for, but I guess that's correct. Can you be a dog? No way Bronx could possibly name himself.
Can he speak? It's insane. No, he just growls. What's the logic there? Because they are all, like, rocks, right? So why can... Like, the other ones are monsters. Why can they speak?
It's the same thing with Pluto and Goofy. Yes, you do. Two of those dogs, Disney and Goofy.
Our next question is a special video guest question, so let's turn it on over to the screen. But there's no sense crying over every mistake You just keep on trying till you run out of cake Oh, hi there. It's me, Jonathan Colton. For all of you fans of Portal out there, you might recognize that song as Still Alive, the theme music that Cortana sings over the end credits. That song, along with gameplay and dialogue, spawned the popular meme The Cake is Alive. Demi buzzed right in there. Um, actually, it's GLaDOS who sings that over the end of Portal. All right, that's your answer. Let's hear from Mr. Jonathan Colton and hear what he has to say.
Um, actually, Cortana is the AI from Halo. The AI in Portal is named GLaDOS.
I'm very cool. I know a lot of stuff about that.
That's it for this preview of Um, Actually, but wait, there's more! In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. To watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.666666, yes.
And are these real monsters that exist in literature? These are monsters from folklore. These are monsters from our everyday lives. |
SaturdayNightLive | collette_at_deerfield_academy_saturday_night_live | And so, aside from pulling down six figures, I guess the best part about being a defense attorney is that I get to set the bad guys free. ha ha ha ha! Just kidding. uh, seriously, though, I am very proud of my son Banks here. he'll, uh, be following in his old man's footsteps if he knows what's good for him. ha ha ha ha! Again, kidding. uh, still, though, I do want him to be Me. put your hands off me, old poodle man.
All right, all right. thank you, Mr. Baroque. Thank you, Banks. Uh. Now, next, uh, next on the list is Nelson Reardon and his father Langley Reardon, a private accountant whose clients include Senator Orrin Hatch, Arianna Huffington, and The Statler Brothers. All right. I'm sorry, Mr. Donahue, but my father isn't here yet, so can we just move on to somebody else, please? Oh, it's okay. stop the presses!
Hey! sweet Campus. you got here! I feel like I just walked on to the set of the hit scene sick on Steve by the Bell, minus the gals. hey, fellas. wait. what are you doing here? No, don't fret, Little Bear. I come in peace.
You see, it's tag season, and your pops accidentally shred the Statler Brothers. don't be a twos. Well, needless to say, all heck broke loose.
But have no fear, because Aunt Colette's here. huh? uh, hey, let me take you home now, Okay? no, no, no, no, no. let her stay, Nelson. uh, what is your career, Ms. Reardon? that would be a bus driver for the public school system grades K through 6, although I've been on disability now for about, what's today, Nels? Friday. twenty years? You see, you see, what happened was about, in 1982, I ran my rig off the embankment jammer to rock the Casp by the Clash. you kids like the Clash? Hands? No? okay. we're into the Backstreet, boys. you know, the good news is, I brought along some tricks of the trade to help you see what bus driving's all about. Oh, here she is. a bus driver's best friend. Questions?
All right. yeah, what's with all the pills there? Oh, these Pucks! they're just my daily meds. no one gets hurt. Ms. Reardon, Deerfield Academy does not tolerate drug use.
Mrs. Reardon, we tell our students that drugs aren't cool. you're preaching to the converted, Mr. Cottare! ha-ha! Kids, you should never do drugs unless they are either prescribed by a doctor, someone dressed as a doctor, or someone with a car. Hey, hey, Collette, I-i think it's the amount of prescriptions you take that freaks people out. Oh, well, these are just your simple, everyday halcyon prescribed by my internist, Dr. Pino James Grigio, for my fear of flyin'.' you take a narcotic for fear of flyin'? paraglide and scare stuff, Skippy!
I don't care how you slice it! ha-ha! Max, who's next?
Yeah, uh, what are those red ones for? Oh, the red ones!
Oh, these babies are just your everyday nembutal prescribed to me by a doctor, Eddie Hirohito. practice his medicine out of the basement of his wife's acrylic nail salon. good kid! good kid! Any crap! he prescribes an nembutal, you see, to counter my sluggishness so I can work 24-7 on the Gary Bauer campaign. yeah, but, I mean, he dropped out. Damn! who else needs a hug? And, Collette, what are these? It-it says equine's tool softener. a part of my grape nuts is part of a complete breakfast. You see, the constant poopin'' has caused me a lot of anxiety, which is-which is why I take these, you see. What are those? Zoloft biscuits! Had a maid special by a doctor, Ernest P. Keebler. no relation to the little Elf, but damn, he's a little guy! he's about the size of my stool, actually.
Okay. hey, hey, you know what? my Aunt Collette may not work all the time, and she may take enough pills to kill a horse, but. she may not be smart or sophisticated, cultured, attractive, conscious, clean. I think they got it, Skeeter. Well, my point is, my Aunt Collette may not have an impressive job, but she's always been there for me. So I guess where love is concerned, Aunt Collette, you've been pretty damn successful. |
cracked | the_terrifying_aftermath_of_disney_s_frozen | Let it go!
All rise! The door! Come in!
Sunset, my most trusted advisor. How are you on this most beautiful day? Queen Elsa, I am... whatever emotional state is most pleasing to you just now. I am just positively that. I just wanted to brief you on the goings-on of your queendom.
Oh, okay, okay, okay. Just make it quick. Anna and I are going to build a snowman! That's fine. That's all fine. That sounds fun. It should only take a second. We just wanted to straighten something out in light of recent events.
You are magic? Me? Magic? No. Silly.
I can just control the weather and freeze hearts. Sometimes. Except for when I can't control it. But those days are over, I think. Oh, gosh. Praise be to God. Which may be you now, for all I know.
It's just, it's a lot for us. This is all brand new information to your people, and it's a lot to take in. Plus, we're dealing with the aftermath of when you covered everything in winter.
I reversed that. Eventually. Which, don't get me wrong, we love. That was great.
It's just, no crops can handle normal weather followed by immediate winter, followed by normal weather again. So the crops are gone, and the people who relied on them are upset. All that is to say nothing of the fishing trade, which is understandably devastated by this sudden climate change.
Okay. A few fishermen. I can... A few?
Ma'am, your highness, we are a coastal municipality. The fishing trade is enormous for our economy.
How do you not know that? I guess they didn't teach me that in the room I was locked up in my whole life. But you know what? I am learning things every day. Like today, for example. I learned that science is a thing.
Great. Yeah. So, a number of your people are out of work now, because of all those things I just said. And you're the queen, so... So it's my job. To create more jobs. I got it. I can build an additional ice skating rink. Rinks need employees. Jobs. It's a start. Moving on.
Apart from the economic and industrial concerns, and this is gonna sound boring, the inescapable temporary winter, whatever we end up calling it, wiped out the Blue Norse butterfly, a species of butterfly that relies on a 16-month reproductive cycle. They never produce anything for us, but all the same, the sudden shift in the ecosystem was too much for them. So they're gone now. They're extinct. It's a shame.
Yes. So, this specific version, maybe sit down for this? This specific version of butterfly reaches maturity in the summer, where it serves as food for the Annolis Arenis, a lizard population that relies on them. Okay.
If the lizards can't eat the butterflies, then they will also die out. And if the lizards die out, then the native rats that rely on the lizards for food will die out as well. And if the native rats...
Hey, hi. Over. This way. Hi. Short version.
Your winter has led, or will lead to the total extinction of six native species of Arendelle. Your subjects don't know about this. It's far too scientific, but it's a bad thing.
And you should know. Well, now I do. Also, most of the town is afraid of you because they think you're a witch. Last thing. What? Me? A witch? Yes. You.
You're literally the only thing in the world with powers. No, no, no, no. That is not true. There's magic trolls. Putting a pin in that. As far as your subjects know, you're the only thing with powers, and you hid that from us forever. And suddenly, one day you're the most powerful thing in the world? I mean, you're the ice witch who buried us in winter and can freeze hearts whenever you want.
It doesn't look great. It's scary.
Who? Who is afraid of me? I haven't taken an official poll just yet, but I would assume a 60-40 split people who are afraid of you because you're a witch and people who hate you because you destroy their businesses slash butterflies.
I mean, you do the math. Math? Math.
Right. The locked in a room for so long. Expect a mutiny is the thing.
I mean, you're the surprise witch. It wouldn't be weird if some handsome guy showed up to slay you soon. Well, he sounds handsome. Wow.
Okay. Is that it? That is it.
After this, we need to do a background check on whomever is in that snowman costume. If he's going to be following you around all the time, we need to know who that is. He has no background.
He's just a snowman person that I made at snow. I made a snowman, and then I gave him life.
Oh, I can do that. Oh, I always forget that's another one of my powers. Clumsy Elsa. What? Yeah. You can grant sentience to inanimate objects? I guess so. Oh, I could just remake the Norse butterfly out of ice. Look at you. You're solving problems already. I love it. Well, give it life. Me. Oh, my God. I could try that again. No.
You have to... It's demanding that you kill it. You have to kill that.
Hey, guys. Thank you so much for watching. If there's any other Disney movie you'd like to see the epilogue of, let us know in the comments.
Also, this is Sarah Scott joining us today. She can be found on Twitter and Instagram at LoveSarahScott. Check her out and hire her to be an actor and all your things.
Thanks. Yeah. And thanks for watching. Yeah. Cheers.
That's even more acting than we just did. You didn't know. We fooled you again. |
TheOnion | Start_Joique_Bell_Which_Means_Now_He_ll_Probably_Get_33_Yards_And_A_Goddamn_Fumble | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. Week seven snuck right up behind us, put his hands over our eyes, kissed our neck and said, guess who, sweetheart? I'm Barry Bigwell and we're talking must-starts inside the Owner's Box.
This week I'm saying you must start Detroit running back Joyk Bell against the Saints which means no one my luck, he'll probably go for 33 yards in a goddamn fumble for four points. He's coming off a solid week six and is going against one of the worst defenses in the league but none of that matters now because everything that comes out of my stupid little mouth is cursed. Look at last week, I said Shane Vereen was a must-start against the Bills and he got only 1.2 points to make me look like an asshole. And then in week three I said start LaShawn McCoy, bench Jordan Matthews, then LaShawn Shit McCoy managed 22 yards on 19 carries while Matthews waltzed into the end zone two times for 22 points. Because apparently I am bad at the only thing I love. Why is this happening? Are these players trying to fuck me? Is the league conspiring against me or do we live in an unjust universe controlled by a petty malevolent god who's trying to put my bloated corpse in an early grave? So my advice this week, start Joyk Bell which means you should sit him unless I sit him and then you should definitely start him or drop him from your roster entirely. I don't care, this hobby is a nightmare. |
TheOnion | season_1_brad_gets_matt_forte_pumped_for_a_big_match_up_brought_to_you_by_lenovo | Matt Forte, there's my guy. How you doing, buddy? You know me, coach. I'm always good. Listen, we got a big match up this week. We're playing Harris. Harris?
Oh man, I don't like that guy. Tell me about it. You won't believe what he said to me at work the other day. What'd he say? He said, you're going down, Brad.
And there's nothing that Matt Forte of yours can do about it. Don't even worry about it, coach. I'll make sure we win. But how? Projected points says he's supposed to win by 20. You've got to have a great week, Matt Forte. I always do. Listen, coach, every time you see my projected fantasy points, you should just add 50 points to that, and it's still way less than what I'm going to get.
I know it. Now it's time to show it. I will show it.
You've got to own it. I promise, I won't blow it. Don't overthrow it. Don't you overthrow it. Okay, that's a good call. Just make sure you give it your all. Don't play small. I will remain enthralled.
That's... Good run, coach. But I mostly run with the ball. That's right. You're a running back, Matt Forte. |
TheOnion | Area_Man_Lacks_Star_Power_Necessary_To_Carry_Major_Motion_Picture | After vetting the 37-year-old for factors such as looks, screen presence, and film credits, Hollywood insiders unanimously agreed this week that area man Dennis Keirning lacks the sheer star power necessary to carry a major motion picture. Industry experts spoke to reporters today about the Charlottesville, Virginia resident who they say just doesn't have what it takes to crack into the A-list. Love him or hate him, I think we can all agree that Dennis Keirning is not a bankable star. He's got to have sex appeal, talent, charisma, and most importantly that x-factor.
I should want to sleep with Dennis. I should want to be Dennis. Do I want to be Dennis?
No. He just doesn't have that je ne sais quoi you need for four quadrant appeal and that's what movie studios care about. Popcorn sales. Experts agreed the Virginia native and father of one does not have the widespread appeal required to secure a distribution deal with wide release while also saying they had no reason to believe Keirning would ever be capable of delivering the type of powerhouse performance that generates buzz at Sundance, Cannes, or Comic-Con. I guess Dennis Keirning seems sort of nice but to be perfectly honest if I saw he was the star of the movie I'd probably skip it. Is he a good scoutmaster, a good husband, a good father to his children? Yes. But could he open a major Hollywood movie? I just don't see it. Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Matt Damon, Harrison Ford, Dennis Keirning.
You tell me, which one doesn't fit the bill? For more on this story check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_snl | Here's Celebrity Jeopardy! We've got quite a contest going on here. let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with negative $6,500. only on account of villainy. Great. Minnie Driver is in first with a commanding score of zero. What is history? we haven't started playing yet. And finally, Jeff Goldblum with an incredible negative $17,800.
Well, yes, I suppose I do. Better luck to all of you in the next round. it's time for Double Jeopardy! Let's take a look at the board. And the categories are potent potables, literature, which is just a big word for books, therapists, current Us. presidents, show and Tell, household objects, and finally, one-letter words. Anyway, Jeff Goldblum, you are in third place, so the board is yours. Well, this is Jeopardy! seeing as there are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, seven different categories. right.
Mr. Connery, why don't you pick? it looks like this is my lucky day. I'll take the rapists for $200. that's therapists. that's therapists, not the rapists. let's skip therapists and try household objects for $400. And the answer is, you usually drink water out of one of these. Sean Connery. a leather glove. No. Minnie Driver. a toilet. That is awful. Jeff Goldblum. And you're an idiot. The answer was a glass. then the day is mine. technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he is a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again. Oh, I'll play your game, you rogue. let's try the rapists for $20.
How about show and tell for $600? I'll just show you an object and you'll tell me what it is, Okay? it's a man with a mustache. No, Mr. Connery, I'm not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet.
Here it is. Name this object. Minnie Driver. it's a popsicle. No. Jeff Goldblum named this object.
Yes, thank you. that's a, what do you call it, when you punish criminals in days of yore? And you put them in the square and those, you know. you mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Yes, exactly. it's a frigging hammer. Of course it is.
Now listen to me, you back off, Trebek. you wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of you. this guy reads from a card. whatever. let's move on to current Us Presidents for $400. And the answer is, he is the current Us President. he has white hair and you've probably seen him in the news. his first name is Bill. Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently. his last name is Clinton. his name is Bill Clinton. Please someone simply say, who is Bill Clinton?
Someone just say it. anyone. And the show has reached a new low. then I'm the cock of the Wok. Alright, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy.
And the category is, letters of the alphabet. all you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. for instance, A or G. Okay, for the sake of tradition, let's take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote. Okay. that is definitely not a letter. beautiful. just beautiful. Minnie Driver, let's see what you wrote. you drew a picture of an eye. Well, eye is a letter, isn't it?
Are you English or retarded? Let's go to Jeff Goldblum, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. see what your answer was.
The number two. the letter Two, my friend. No, two is a number.
I can't read or write.
Good for you. Well, as always, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money here on Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Good night. |
cracked | we_remade_loki_season_1_for_20 | You're taking me so much to kill me. No, I'm taking you to Arby's. Well, I don't like Arby's.
No, but you do like to fart, which you just did. Because you and I both know that you love that deep and cheddar. What does that mean?
You'll catch up. The timekeepers have built quite the circus. And I see the clowns are playing their parts to perfection.
Big metaphor, guy. I love that. Makes you sound super smart. I am smart. I know.
Okay.
How do you plead? A god does not plead. Guilty or not guilty? Guilty of having fabulous hair? Yes. I'm just going to put you down as guilty. Next!
It feels like I'm always looking up to you. I like it. It feels appropriate.
Why are you whispering? Well, you know, I don't want anything to be on the record. I want to keep it low key.
What? Not you. We protect the proper flow of time. You picked up the Tesseract, breaking reality. Now we need your help to fix it. Do I get a weapon? Hey! Hey, Dave! What? A god of assholes over here is asking if you can have a weapon.
I do have feelings. That's my first thing, y'all. You're fucked up, Loki. Oh, shit. It is adorable that you think you could possibly seduce me. Wow. Not big on Panda Express, are you? Well, you can trust me. Loki, I've studied almost every moment of your entire life.
You've literally shited your pants like 50 times. But I never do it again, is it?
Hi, y'all. I'm Miss Minutes from the TVA. Now, you may be wondering why you're here. Willy Mephisto.
Oh! Oh, no! Ah!
I don't know shit about n*** for all time. Always. Still saying the apocalypse is like this salad. It's all about chaos. Don't toss my salad.
Oh, come on. What did you expect? Bastard. You have some bastard from the quad variant brought in this dang guy's shit.
I mean, yeah, I know we're not supposed to go into the evidence, but you know. What else were you supposed to do here, you know? No, they don't drug test here. Oh, really? I'm on. |
dropout | This_Monster_Is_Too_Wholesome | 🎵Music🎵 🎵Music🎵 Sam! Who knows how much damage that monster's already done! I'm finished! 🎵Music🎵 Gasp! 🎵Music🎵 I was making too much noise! It's hard to stay quiet when you're building houses for homeless veterans! 🎵Music🎵 What? My name is CuddlePumpkin! But my friends call me pal! 🎵Music🎵 What the fuck is going on? Do you want to be my friend? Wait, I'm sorry, we're supposed to fight this?
I guess so? Alright! Let's swatch this pumpkin! 🎵Music🎵 Oh wait! Seems nice! Yeah! No, no!
That's how these monsters get you, okay? Every monster that comes through that portal, they start out innocent and then they turn.
Remember Princess Pony? When she turned out to be Princess Pony who eats people's fingers? That wasn't even a pun, she just ate fingers!
Statistically speaking, doesn't it make sense that at least some of the things that come out of the portal are good? Yeah, we should be due for a good guy, right?
No, I don't buy it! I love you! What the hell are you hiding? Tell us! Okay, okay! I admit it! Donor to the Children's Hospital! What a callout! What a man! He's no hero! Now that my secret is out, I feel unburdened! Thank you!
You're a true friend!
Listen to me, punk! Now I don't know what your game is, but I am going to find out!
Is it the houses? They're not houses at all, are they? They're not! Admit it to me right now! I admit it! They're not! They're homes!
Oh my god! He's so right! Will you ever forgive me for lying to you? Yes, of course we can, cuddle pumpkin! Armand, put him down! No! He's hiding something! Wow.
You are prejudice against other universes. That is what it sounds like. That is what it is. Everybody cool off, okay? I'm just saying that if you come through that portal, you're probably evil! Oh, excuse me?
Wow! Look at the guy! He's got a doomsday machine! Dooming attack!
Should we start off setting off carbon emissions?
Don't say me. Who is it? Who?
I think the monster here... Obviously he's going to say me. Might be. Clearly it's Armand. Just saying. Clearly it's me. We have no idea. It's Armand.
You are so corny. Can't you just give this guy a shot? Alright, fine! Maybe I was too quick to judge. CuddlePumpkin, maybe we don't have to kill you. Don't worry, I forgive you.
Hey, you want to grab a bite at Sushbag? Sushbag? Sushbag! The home of Sushi in a bag!
Yeah, that's my favorite place in the whole city! Aww, you're such a good singer! I can't wait to learn even more.
Gee, I hope leaving now doesn't make us miss something important that would prove my suspicions correct. Silly me, I almost forgot my watch!
Hey kids, that video was a lot of fun. But you know what's not fun? Ads! Kinda like this one. Yeah, you can watch the rest of this episode on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today. And never have to see us in another ad again. Hah, Ultra Mechatron team! Whoa! |
SaturdayNightLive | audition_saturday_night_live | Next, for the part of Nicole, we have Lisette Barnes.
Hello. Oh, hello. hello.
And, uh, I think we've had you in here before. I'm with Classy Faces Talon Agency. you've heard of them? Nope. can't say that I have.
Well, um, here's my head picture. Okay. it's of me dressed as a sailor looking into a crystal ball, pretending to be surprised. that's exactly what it is.
Yeah. uh, great. Okay, listen, um, before we start, um, I have read the play. uh, it's very racy. and so there are no surprises later. I'm just gonna tell you what I am comfortable doing and not doing. and you are just gonna have to deal with it. Okay. well, I am willing to show my legs, my arms, my face, my stomach, my full back, my toes, the top part of my head, my naked breasts. uh, my butt crack. my belly button. my full vagina. um, let's see, I will show my nipples. my spread apart butt. um, my push together boots. Uh, okay, Lizette, you're not gonna have to.
Okay, and these are things that I will do. I will sing. I will swear. I will show my bush. I will tap. I will jiggle. um, I will cry. I will push my boobs together. Um, I will lift up my skirt, turn away from the audience, bend over, and pass gas with sound.
Wait, Lizette, Lizette. I think you might have read a different script. Well, these are the following things that are out of the question. I refuse to wear a costume. Um, that's it. Okay, well, that could be a problem. Well, and these are some things I might be talked into doing. I might punch myself in the face. um, I might touch a ding dong. never say never. I might tinkle in a fake sink. um, I might eat a very small bowl of white bird waste. if it is relevant to the story, otherwise, you know, I mean, come on. Lizette, can I give you a little bit of feedback? Sure.
Uh, you're not getting this part. No! give it to me! I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm her husband. I just have to know how this is going. he just told me I didn't get the part. it's done. Well, you are making a huge mistake, Sir.
Sandy, please. No, I want to do this. this woman isn't just my wife. she is an actress. she is a masteress of her craft. Are you insane in the membrane? insane in the brain? You guys gotta go. First, let me ask you, sir, have you seen this woman's Stanley Steamer commercial? Sandy, don't. let me remind you. Two women are having a conversation on a couch. a child runs in and asks mommy to look at the family dog's new trick. Well, unfortunately, the new trick is him dragging his dirty rear along the carpet. And she has to get so mad. Do it, Honey. Toby! it's you.
Yes, it's her. And I'm sorry if she has standards, unlike every other loose actress that comes in here. No, no, no, no. you're right. I'm sorry. So, now that you know who she really is, does she have the part? No.
What if she were to put a jelly bean on a chair, sit down, and when she stands back up, the jelly bean is gone. Get out. What if it's a plum? Goodbye. good day, sir. I mean jerk. I hope you're happy.
Who's next?
Uh, Sandal Barnes. Sandal Barnes. I am at the Top Hat Warehouse Agency.
I will show the backs of my legs, my pushed together butt, the front of my wiener. I will wear diapers. I will not work with children, although I will dance with them. I may juggle. I will show my wife's vagina. I may. |
dropout | the_swankiest_space_bugs | Nathan you smell so good today thank you I just got out of the fire shower oh I haven't taken one yet I thought it was gonna be pretty bad and it was okay it burns all of the skin off yeah it grows back and I didn't know skin growing back could hurt so much I think partially that's because you know that bar of soap in there not soap salt yeah it's also it's very spiky cease your writhing oh ye cursed souls whose infinite melancholy shall never be lifted pretty good how are you doing all right the Saints been really riding my ass over the new entries cuz you know those series of bus fires that have taken over Kansas yeah I heard about that on my RSS feeder which is a thing they still have done in hell yeah we'll still give you the bad news anyway yeah you know it's a back to the slab again got another request for a new cartoon from one of our many demonic lords oh yeah the dark progenitor Jennifer Reno has requested please let me have the swankiest space bugs you got ooh wankiest space bugs now if we fail Gina what what punishment might we expect I mean you know the cartoon ends up good like we might give you non spiky soap what oh I mean obviously if the cartoon is bad we'll just that that that I don't know how do you guys feel about razor Tigers I'm picturing it in my head yeah yeah yeah don't like it sounds unpleasant all right so we gotta draw some swanky some swanky space but so we can try and get out of hell or at least prevent ourselves from being cuddled to death by razor tiger so swanky that's like fancy you would describe a party as a swanky perhaps yeah maybe this is like a fancy sort of secret agent oh I like that so like a tuxedo bug bug Z yeah I love how space royalty is that that's one of my favorite tropes oh in sci-fi you just sort of combine any element of old-timey high fashion with like rings and mods yeah you're talking about like the classic shoulder ring yeah and like a crown that has maybe like a floating element so I think maybe this is this is like a lost prince of a spacebug Empire is this like Star Wars but with bugs is that what we're getting at home well you know we can't officially say that no but I am just piping in to let you know that you guys cannot get away with that even in hell is these lawyers are voracious they will find you here I thought at first of this was gonna be like a mosquito tuxedo type deal tuxedo mosquito is very good it's gotta be a space tuxedo though yeah so what makes a space tuxedo again I think you just gotta have floaty bits floaty bits maybe the the bowtie is neon or it's a laser bowtie or something like that or the cufflinks are made of moon rocks I like that I just I love the closed collar look oh yeah if you want it to be the future it's got to be that the Hollywood model of how to make something seem like it's in the future is just fuck up the collar just a little bit I am gonna do the Futurama just ring shoulders you gotta it's gonna be fun on the day we all just officially decide it's the future and we start popping those ring sleeves on everything I don't think we've earned it as a society yet I think hopefully one day we will it will be like you know we solve world hunger and it's like congrats y'all you earned it you get you got the ring yeah Donna Teller Versace has just been holding up yeah they're in there they're ready to go so is this gonna be a bug yeah it's gonna be a bug I mean it's a space but is it a Power Rangers situation where they they have bug armor or some sort of bug suit okay so yeah so maybe he's got like a bug helmet mm-hmm and maybe each of them have like a different sort of swanky style yeah this is tuxedo mosquito and I think he's the leader precisely yeah I'm trying to think of other types of swank that you could go with Hillary obviously but like I don't think I could just draw a Hillary swank bug I don't I don't think that's gonna get us out of hell I think that's just gonna get us deeper in if anything oh I like those antennae up there but then he also has like you gotta have you know eyes are the window to the soul damn look at him look at this guy oh and you can make like the tales of his tuxedo those can be like bug wings dude I wanna yeah I want to go to prom with this guy what's his backstory Nathan well like I said I think he's a lost prince okay of a bug civilization sure that maybe there was a some sort of hostile takeover mm-hmm and he has to fight his way back some sort of villainous exterminator oh yeah for sure yes exterminator I mean to be fair we should clarify this guy is chock full of Zika though it's not it's not his fault but it is yeah and we want the show to have that we're all great yeah I think a lot of the enemies he defeats just sort of by getting them very sick so the villains are like haha I got away but then tuxedo mosquitoes like did you yeah don't get pregnant oh that was a dark joke even for here well done thank you oh also I should mention you are skirting dangerously close to the plot of Jupiter ascending oh what would just people being bugs we're just like space princes and exterminate I mean I only know this because it's literally the only movie we're allowed to watch yeah I did notice that every time I turned on a TV it was playing Jupiter ascending I mean it's not even a divine punishment or anything we just really want to support original sci-fi properties down here I love this stance though thank you yeah it is trying to I'm trying to go for that classic sort of space adventure mm-hmm look that classic space adventure who's just trying to get a couple of quick lunges in exactly mm-hmm and maybe he's got just some guns are they like needle guns yeah they shoot various diseases okay I think what you find out over the course of the show yeah the exterminator wasn't the bad guy no you were just trying to rid the galaxy of these parasitic it is true he looks so swabbing up in there you really want to get on his side but no he just he's just blasting people with low-level infections is this a costume or does he actually have an abdomen he's got a he's got a bit of a body that's where he stores all of the disease oh for sure just when tuxedo mosquito takes off his costume how fleshy is that bugbud oh very okay as fleshy as you're imagining it double so it's just like a normal human butt that goes and out yeah how does he sit in chairs oh he doesn't he's always lunging all right so he's got that needle I feel like you should be holding like a drink or something oh for sure yeah he's got his bloody Mario Paul there you go classic joke from the hit film a bug slide down here we only get and oh no you get two movies down here Jupiter ascending yeah and ants this character really feels like no he could either be the star of an animated series or one of those edutainment computer games from their oh yeah he for sure is teaching you how to do math yeah well he's teaching you about communicable disease hey Nathan you know my favorite part about hell is what all the cursing you can do unfortunately every time I curse on YouTube a tiny little buzzard comes and just like pecks my butt oh the curse buzzard yeah every time I say or he comes and he gives me a little peck and I hate it so I hate to bring it to you guys but we're gonna have to cut off the episode so if you want to watch the rest of it you're gonna have to sign up for dropout oh yep tip of my dick you got me you've got a lot of nerve showing up here I could say the same about you tuxedo mosquito |
dropout | are_these_jedi_or_scientologists | This is it. You up?
This place is chaos! And it's closed!
God, they're so comfortable!
Oh yes, let's split up again. Good idea.
I'll say he is stuck in the mud.
Dora! The chosen one! I love you, Una! Wow, we get it. Una's great. Yeah, she really is, right? Ah, Una!
My wayfinder has returned! Gooby, it's wonderful to be home. How has you up fared? Well enough, luckily everyone helps each other here. Oh, first, let us celebrate the wayfinder's return!
Alright, so what's the play here, Ma? I mean, we're pretty deep in the enemy territory right now. Have you heard him? There's a feast. Let's just see where this goes. Got it. Just blend in.
I love the lack of hallways here. It doesn't give me anxiety. The grass is green. We don't have to wear helmets.
And this food is actually hot! I know!
It's like they wasted all their time cooking this with love.
Mara, come sit with me. It is my honor to sit somewhere else entirely.
Oh, so I guess you'll just be getting up then. Come, friend. You can join us with the level 3s. Yeah, we're strong. Oh, Mara, tell us about that time again that you said oh. Oh. Welcome, Finn.
Allow me to introduce ourselves. My name is Flancy. This is Torque, Beth, and Will-Seban.
We hope you're enjoying your stay here. Though it may seem like you're dreaming, I can assure you that you up is certainly real. Yes, from the lowliest level 3s to the grandest level 7s. We'll find nothing but total joy here.
How about we play one of our favorite lunchtime games? Yes! Let's play Una, Dear Una. We'll just get started and you can catch up, okay? Una, Dear Una, your brains can be... Una, Dear Una, you're better than me. Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. All you're doing is just complimenting Una? Wow. You're very smart for level 3. You up? That's right, Will-Seban. You up is great. Una, Dear Una, you're wise without doubt. Una, Dear Una, subscribe to Dropout. Oh, come on.
Is it not true that the wisest among us subscribe to Dropout to see the rest of the episode and the series? I just get whiplash when you suddenly break the fourth wall like that. Breaking down walls is what we do here. Go to Dropout.tv to learn more.
Are you insane? They're the enemy! They've killed less troopers than Dreadlord has. Yeah! They have a very weak take on discipline! |
TheOnion | Study_Reveals_Conditions_In_Women_s_Prisons_Deplorably_Unsexy | A prison reform group issued a disturbing new study this week calling conditions in women's correctional facilities deplorably unsexy. The report contends that women's prisons are bleak, dangerous environments with shockingly few soapy showers and erotically charged pillow fights. According to the Prison Justice Initiative, it's a shame that in today's society we still have jails that don't encourage kittenish girl-on-girl exploration. Prisons shouldn't be a hotbed of gang violence and drugs. It should be a steamy Shangri-La where caged nymphets discover the sexuality away from the leering eyes of male society. The investigation revealed living conditions that many are calling cruel and degrading, but not in a fun or kinky way. The study's author argues that incarceration should be about more than just punishment. The purpose of prison isn't just to lock people in a box and forget about them. It's to provide opportunities for naughty girls to play nice with each other. Shouldn't our goal be that once you're out of prison, you're a better person with a lot of sexy stories to share? Next up, a team of jock scientists have reportedly thrown the cure for asthma onto the roof of the lab. We'll talk to the nerds struggling to retrieve it. |
dropout | logan_paul_as_a_johnny_cash_song | I don't expect to be forgiven I don't deserve to be defended So internet please use me Crucify me, vilify me I'm gonna be the guy they think I am We're gonna take an Instagram picture of me looking like a thug Male only march we're gonna attempt to go gay for just one month Everything I do from this point on will get backlash You either love me or you hate me Suck my ass What, you never stand next to a dead guy Everyone is gonna die But at the same time I still have my brand I'll do some dumb things for the vines Stuff they lack sympathy strictly for views I would just go up to people and I call them out on their flaws Just all around insensitive That's the brand of Logan Paul I've made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement Young and impressionable audience The people who are watching this Are you smashing?
You should not be watching my vlogs But I'm glad you do I wanna make jokes that kids my age are gonna like It's an interesting fantasy Millions of people telling me they hate me But that's engagement bro Money doesn't make me happy A new merch baby First blog back with a merch plug Because as you guys know YouTube cut my ads since in half I'm essentially losing it all Becoming the most hated man in the world That's the brand of Logan Paul What, you never stand next to a dead guy That's the brand of Logan Paul What, you never stand next to a dead guy That's the brand of Logan Paul So don't feel bad supporting it Drop out, do it |
cracked | the_greatest_overreaction_on_youtube_since_double_rainbow_does_not_compute | Hey everybody and welcome to another dodeca-sode of does not compute where all the women are strong all of them Men are good-looking and all the children are wondering what the hell. I'm referencing I'm your host mustache suddenly and my co-host as always is clips of my favorite racing game Phoenix's white van racer go ahead and show him my high-score run clippy Speaking of minding that child today's topic is that child is out of his mind Winston Churchill once said never Never never never give up and then he died an irredeemable drunk So what does that tell you meet YouTube user and pocket monster master of benzio? 499 like most well-adjusted tweens the Ben spends his afternoons daisy chaining game boys together human centipede style then forcing hour after hour of Precious life into them and watching them come out the other end as the fetid waste of a squandered youth And if you think I'm overreacting, you don't know the fucking meaning of the word Take a look at this everybody alive a shiny ponytail Okay, that's not what you kids are calling the clitoris I Finally got it. Okay, I finally got it Hey You know who else was noted for screaming? I found it Archimedes when he intuited the law of voluminous displacement paving the way for fluid mechanics and dragon muppet ization and what did you do?
Great nature a benzo consider this an intervention from a stranger on the internet Who's being paid to make fun of you at your age? This level of euphoria should be reserved exclusively for making bugs fight or scrambled porn or some weird Combination of those two. Otherwise, what kind of standard are you setting for yourself later in life?
Oh my god, my heart's being a hundred miles an hour. I can't just stop. I can't stop. I can't stop Now if you ever discover something of actual value you'll have to shit your pants or something just to seem appropriately taken aback But there's no way Pokemon alone did this they just lack the pure crack like addictive power Unless of course you scored some real primo ground jigglypuff. I think someone's enabling.
I have to show you this email I'm very sorry shiny collector seven, but I will have to expose you for a second. Sorry about your luck. Don't give up I can't wait for you pony to fit especially. I really want to feel the excitement you'll feel. I Hope this is enough excitement for you.
I was listening to my favorite band once again 741 No reason that is a shame and come on you can afford three game boys We can't support your favorite band by buying an album. How's that at up? 25,968 encounters Yeah, you're tracking your Pokemon encounters on a graphing calculator to the music of some 41 according to the nerd index You should be upside down in a junior high toilet Around the clock either. No one wants to fuck with you because you scream like a banshee or else Divine intervention, thank God this finally happened. Thank you so much. God. I really owe you on this one But somehow it kind of doubt the Lord's hand was fondling your premium pokeballs on this one Dedications right now Everybody I'm trying to be biased or anything. Everybody had an equal share in this And the worst part is well, this is probably a Ben Zio's most ambitious hunt for bullshit It is far from the only one In fact, if you add up the number of hours he spent playing Pokemon just on the videos on his channel You'd be sad when you were done It's a lot Well, that about does it for this episode. But before we go, can I just get real for a second? We have a lot of fun here on doesn't computer and sometimes At the expense of a benzio If you ever see this episode, I just want you to know that though. It may seem like I'm judging your hobby pretty harshly. I Have to stop playing Pokemon so much I'm not a hobby expert unless you count pooping because I do that a lot and I'm very serious I'm concerned that if you don't end this madness, this could very well be your future I Real crunch numbers for NASA or something. We all know what a dead-end job that is great I think that covers it clipping anything you want to add Hop right back on up there good for you like a metaphor some shit. I like it. Thanks for watching gang I've been your host dried Michael Swain and this has been does not compute. Allow me to show you out You |
cracked | the_5_most_surreal_music_genres_around_the_world_spit_take_theater | Hey, you're watching a bunch of hipsters or a herd of hipsters a pride of hipsters Huh you're watching an apathy of hipsters Which is what I would have assumed was making the music we're hearing right now in reality This is the psychedelic synth folk album fire by sister Irene O'Connor Who is an actual sister an actual nun named Irene O'Connor and you're listening to her invent modern indie music in her 20s from? Inside a convent in 1967 and speaking of music genres that shouldn't exist today's episode is about That music genres that shouldn't we've kind of tipped the hand there didn't we? Kids bop is many things to many people to fans It's top 40 radio without all the weighty themes and excessive maturity to their parents a constant reminder that at least one of their children It's kind of a dummy to me kids Bop will always be the perfect name for the sassy henchmen conceived by t-bos and bebop inside my mind Baby metal is the answer to another question What if Japan did kids bop and kids bop did metal and everything was happening inside a Japanese watch as imagined by a racist person If you're thinking this is all too dark for those kids We saw bopping around the amusement park earlier. Don't worry. Baby metal has a much different fan base You know, I could joke that the last time that many pedophiles moved together Megan's law had just been passed But the truth is America tried to make teen pop idols who rocked and we got the Jonas Brothers At least these girls are trying to shred. It's more than we can say for Metallica at this point Maybe just put some pants on them though, Japan Electrodance is a form of techno that borrows top rock and b-boy influences from hip-hop and Spelling out giant words from early Bobby Brown solo career Videos even feature instructional cutaways to the feet of a dancer who is clearly none of those people But hey, maybe you prefer dance music. You can't dance too for no conceivable reason Well meet the speed core genus of electronic music Which makes the fastest techno music you've ever heard sound like an old horse clapping down a cobblestone road There are countless permutations from splitter chord and extra tone and they all sound like a fax signal passing through your skull at the speed of light But at least they have a sense of humor about themselves with band names like annoying ringtone Videos that include dance dance revolution steps, even though the world's best dancer dancer revolutionary couldn't possibly keep up. Oh, no way Wow, that was Disappointing if you want to hear what Bruno Mars sounds like after being spit through whatever wood chipper makes speed core electronic music You may be one of the four people wearing a monkey mask in this picture and I honestly want to hang the fuck out with you Throat singing is an ancient folk art of the Tuvan people of Siberia Ondar widely regarded as the greatest of all time in the throat singing game Destroyed Letterman back in 1999 making as many as four different notes come out of his throat at the same time Sadly he died this past July having logged only a fraction of the studio time as the least prolific member of new kids on the block Fortunately a record exec saw Ondar's genius and got him into the studio for a full-length album Unfortunately record exec is short for recording industry executive Which means instead of being an archaeological treasure that album was called back to the future seriously. It contains the Siberian sociological equivalent of rap and Rodney, but hold on to your butts with both hands because turns out it's awesome Maybe it's how hard he's feeling this song and everything that it demands he just points at Or the Tuvan throat flirting he does with these two ladies Or the way this video lingers proudly on the plaque putting motherfuckers on notice that this is the birthplace of actor Yul Brynner But this is one of the most charming rap videos of all time Ondar spawned an entire genre of ear bewildering rap by men who have gotten no better at magging on honeys The Mongolian throat rap video fish cymbaled stamp is another great example of throat rappers inability to put money over bitches Or just practice basic motor function and their general vicinity as the video vixen coolie looks off to the side and dances like she's in The background of a Robert Palmer video the guy who raps like cookie monster lets you know He's the play a cool type by just going completely dead in the eyes when she waits after the show ghostface cookie monster Let's her know it is totally on by seeing her and freezing But keep an eye on his partner in the background because he's either about to start weeping or he just Came in his pants right there When it comes to gay rights mainstream rap has always landed somewhere between WWE wrestling and 1950s, Alabama, of course the rap game is a hyper masculine war zone.
So who can blame Oh Turns out a moderately intelligent kindergartner with a basic sense of right and wrong could blame them also a boss hog from dukes of hazard Well-trained Dalmatian Adolf Hitler Caligula's therapist So it's great to see that there are some places in the world where alternative Sexualities are so welcome. You can be the booty dancer and the rapper in the same video Titica is transsexual and also the most popular kudu performer and all of Angola So I don't know the gay rappers in America. Just move there. Well because homosexuality is actually illegal in Angola Just to compare relative ballziness here Eminem is a middle-aged white guy who must have balls because he made millions of dollars openly using slurs his teenage fans are too ashamed to use in public and Titica cross dresses on national TV in a country where Homosexuality is still punishable with hard labor a country that by the way has a fucking machete on the national flag And she doesn't even address the size of her balls. It's official you guys Eminem probably has just a huge dick Just a big weenie Hi, I'm a Bepperson I direct some of the videos here on cracker calm I'm also an actor some even know I was crazy Raul and the original agents of cracked I was in some today's topics where I you know, talk to Katie Stoll and we fight about gender and stuff like that I was a shadow In an after-hours episode. It was actually a mistake. We cut it but I was Simba in our Animated Lion King sketch or was that a dream? I was in a whole bunch of stuff.
Okay, you don't need to All you need to do is subscribe. Okay, just subscribe and stop asking me questions |
dropout | making_up_a_sketch_on_the_spot_hardly_working | Then, I got kicked out, because apparently you can't bring your laptop into a nightclub?
Oh, that's bullshit. I'm sorry, how is this a sketch pitch? Oh, it's not.
It's just what I did last weekend. Okay. I have a pitch, actually. So on Saturday, me and my cousin went to brunch, cuz... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, this isn't a sketch! Guys, if you don't bring pitches to this meeting, I'm gonna have to report you to Sam. No!
Yes! That's right. I'm gonna tell on you. Do you have anything, Katie? Yeah, duh. What? Yeah, of course I do.
Don't always have pitches. It's my job to have pitches, and I have them. Uh, yeah, this first pitch is about a woman.
And? And her name is Amir Rafael Ballstripes. That's her name? Turkey helmet couch floor table tube hair sweater blanket tar wood chair cushion. Wait, this is still the main character's name?
I guess? Katie, are you okay? Um...
Dragon map beard pen astronaut spill garbage can use Kleenex laptop. Why are you still doing this? We get it. You don't have any things, you're just listing the things you see around the room, okay?
And her last name is... We don't need her last name. ...Lamp trophy... ...ord gable bookstore.
No! Katie, we need to move on. I'll see you on my own for a poster dumbass. Hey, that's rude.
Plant notebook like pillow! What the hell was that? Yeah. That's right. I said her name is Amir Rafael Ballstripes Turkey helmet couch floor table tube hair sweater blanket guitar wood chair cushion dragon map beard pen astronaut spill garbage can used Kleenex laptop lamp trophy board game globe bookstore door gnome ceiling phone frame poster dumbass plant notebooks light pillow it's a character sketch duh oh bullshit you had nothing yeah I'm telling Sam I'm telling him everything oh really well why don't you show my goddamn pitch notebook whoa this is a real pitch yeah a really really bad one but yeah yeah I told you I had a pitch didn't I no no this isn't cool no this is nothing why are you proud of this very cool this isn't a pitch pretty cool Sam no Sam I gotta talk to you about Katie is this about her new character what's that name Amir Rafael Ballstripes Turkey helmet couch floor table tube hair sweater blanket guitar wood chair cushion dragon map beard pen astronaut spill garbage can use Kleenex laptop lamp trophy board game globe book store gnome ceiling phone frame poster dumbass plant notebooks light pillow because I am a huge fan are you a fan yes I say series what about merch hi it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor if you want to subscribe click over here and for more fun stuff click over here and if you want access to College Humor's secret site make sure you send your social security number your credit card information and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me |
cracked | the_oceans_are_heating_up_but_the_president_s_hats_are_cool_some_news | Hello, I'm a news person, and here's some news. Last week, devastation literally rained down onto Houston, Texas and surrounding areas when Hurricane Harvey ballooned from category one to category four alarmingly fast after passing over a region of warm ocean called an eddy because the intensity of a storm is determined in part by how warm the ocean is, and not to get all political, but scientifically, the global ocean surface temperature has risen 1.1 degrees Fahrenheit in the past 130 years, which might not seem like a lot, but in Celsius, it's 0.6111 degrees, so. So, it might not seem like a lot, but in terms of effecting climate, it is. Storms are getting worse. Harvey's already had more rainfall than any other storm on record in the continental United States. It's had three times as much rain as 2005's Katrina. Katrina had the biggest storm surge recorded in US history. According to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, there will be fewer storms globally, but the intensity will increase, which sounds bad, but is in fact very bad. And even if you don't think climate change is caused by humans and carbon emissions, cough, cough, it, cough is puke, it's still happening. Even our climate change denying president wants to build a seawall at his golf resort in Ireland, citing, yes, climate change.
It's going to cost more and more lives, and if that's not your thing, it's going to cost more and more monies. Katrina cost about $108 billion, which is, I'm told, lots of money. Harvey could cost an estimated $190 billion, according to AccuWeather, which is, I'm told, the name of a company. Speaking of companies, people. And speaking of people, this segue is really bad, I'm sorry. There are just a lot of things to pack in about this, because we're woefully unprepared for these disasters, which disproportionately affect poor people and displace large populations, and in some cases, cause explosions at chemical plants, and our infrastructure isn't prepared for this, and all of these problems will get worse, and our president wants to fix our infrastructure through privatization and tolls, something good for companies and bad for people. And the president's proposed budget makes big cuts to FEMA, something good for storms and bad for people.
But in the face of adversity and hardship, people still come together. Here's a line, not of people wanting food or water, but of people wanting to volunteer. Here's a line of people with boats driving to Houston to aid in rescue efforts, and even though a reporter called the cops on survivors taking food from a flooded grocery store during a fucking disaster, and law enforcement put up immigration checkpoints during evacuation from a fucking disaster, people also managed to shame Pastor Joel Osteen into opening the doors of his $100 million mega church so survivors would have a place to stay, something Jesus would not need to be shamed to do, something a furniture store owner like Mattress Mack wouldn't and didn't need to be shamed to do. So even though we're not doing the things necessary to prepare for these disasters, people still come together during them and lift each other up, sometimes literally, like this human chain pulling someone out of the water. The strong, the wealthy, help the weak and the poor. Like how during this disaster, the president made his speech on tax reform and is taxing the rich and his rich friends? No, nothing about the disgustingly wealthy contributing more to lift up the less fortunate?
No, okay, he's cutting his own taxes. Okay, then let's not talk about it. And let's not talk about the president.
Fine, so yeah, as the president of a whole country, President Donald Trump visited an area near the damage from the storm and then some dumbest motherfucking asshole on the c**ting planet tweeted, Trump is now standing in a puddle acting like a president. Give me a break. And of course, that's actually a tweet from President Trump in 2012 about President Obama comforting Hurricane Sandy victims. So I guess it's only fair that we now do a segment called standing in a puddle acting like a president. So first, the president decided to go to Camp David by himself to monitor the storm while Vice President Mike Pence ran the White House Situation Room. So pretty good start, president-wise?
He quickly tweeted, just arrived to Camp David where I'm closely watching the path and doings of Hurricane Harvey as it strengthens to a category three. Be safe! Then he quickly tweeted, just arrived to Camp David where I'm monitoring the path and doings of Hurricane Harvey as it strengthens to a class three. 125 miles per hour winds! And then he quickly kept both of those up. He live-tweeted the storm and gave weather updates like a, this is president, I feel like I should say weather man. And he got a few good photos of him alone at Camp David acting like a president, his words.
And I'm sorry, that is a sharp hat. Like I know this is a serious situation and you know, disaster, but where can I get a hat like that? Oh, the president's website for $40. Can we zoom in to the $40 hat that a president advertised during a national disaster?
Now zoom in more, even more. Now like, zoom in so it's a single pixel, like a white void from which we all may find relief. Thank you.
He kept live tweeting and marveling at the historic size of the storm as if to say, look at me and my big boy storm, I have only the best hurricanes. Without quite arriving at the conclusion that maybe this is a global trend about which he should be concerned. He tweeted some places people can donate to help out with relief efforts, except that's a lie. He tweeted promoting a book by Sheriff David Clark, a human rights violator. And then instead of standing in a puddle acting like a president, he walked over a puddle acting like a president and traveled to Texas right after grabbing two $40 president hats, which this show is now brought to you by. President hats, continuing the long tradition of presidents hawking their overpriced crap during emergencies, like the letter U, especially when it's followed by the letter S, and especially when that S is followed by an A, well, buy, f***ing, buy one of these from the president.
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Anyway, he eventually got to Texas to survey damage and perhaps meet with and empathize with survivors of the tragedy. Do we have a clip? What a crowd, what a turnout. Do we have a better clip? No.
Okay, well, according to the president, quote, after witnessing firsthand the horror and devastation caused by Hurricane Harvey, my heart goes out even more so to the great people of Texas. And the best photo they had to illustrate witnessing firsthand was the president watching the weather on a TV in a slick and stylish president hat, just $40 at the president's website. President hats, ethical, but more importantly, very ethical. I don't wanna talk about the president anymore. Here's some news. The New York Times revealed that during the 2016 campaign, an associate of President Trump's was working on negotiating a real estate deal with a man named Vlad Putin, who was the president of Russia at the time.
Oh, still now. Same guy, still president of Russia.
The associate assured that a Trump Tower in Moscow would, quote, get Donald elected. The associate is Felix Sater, literally a Russian mobster, who in 1998 pleaded guilty to racketeering for a $40 million stock fraud scheme that involved two of New York City's infamous five families. And he went to jail in 1991 for stabbing a broker in the face with the stem of a martini glass. He also ran Bayrock, a real estate company that worked with the Trump Organization on several projects and had an office in Trump Tower. But anyway, this random guy, Felix Sater, emailed Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen, to say, quote, our boy can become president of the USA and we can engineer it. I will get all of Putin's team to buy in on this.
And then, reading ahead, just scanning here, Trump became president and that couldn't still be true. That shouldn't still be true. I mean, like all that stuff I just said. Like, they got him, right? What? Are you kidding me? Here's some news.
Hollywood has decided to take a big swing for feminism and do an all-girl remake of Lord of the Flies, which was about the replication of systematic toxic masculinity and violence. So maybe just making the characters girls is actually a terrible idea, regardless of who's making it, which is, yup, two men.
Can't wait. Can we end on a good note this week? Here's some news.
Rising Democratic Senator Kamala Harris has said that she'll co-sponsor Bernie Sanders' upcoming Medicare for All bill, further pushing the idea that healthcare is a human right and we as a nation should be able to lift everyone up and take care of each other. Because in terms of payers, Bernie would have won. Like, single payer. And he would have won the election.
And if you want something else, you gotta get it yourself, you know? You gotta go in there and you gotta get it! Yeah, you can go and get it! |
SaturdayNightLive | mccain_approves_open_saturday_night_live | Senator Mccain, thanks for stopping by. my friends, I wouldn't miss it. recording Tv ads is an essential part of the campaign. As we explained, Senator, we already have a recording of you approving ads. Well, I know, but we've been using it on so many ads. I was worried the tape spools might be scratched or warped. Well, we actually recorded that digitally, Senator. digitally? with your fingers? No, sir, it's a new technology. like a-track? you know what? let's just record some.
Yeah. this is Ken Lewis, sir. Hi, friend. he'll be reading the main body of the ad text. he's a little bit of a legend around here for having the most sarcastic voice in the world of campaign ads. Thanks, Doug. that means the world to me. Wow, I can't even tell if he means that. You ready to go? I'm ready to go, yes, But let me stress. the goal of these ads are not only to support my campaign, but also to raise the level of the integrity and the political discourse, my friends. that was my promise to America. Well, that's so great to hear. let's do it. Barack Obama says he wants universal Healthcare. Is that so? Healthcare for the entire universe? including Osama Bin Laden? I think we'll pass. No way, no how, no Obama. my friends, can I ask a question? of course. Is this ad true? Well, universal has more than one meaning. we take it to mean the entire Universe. works for me. I'm John Mccain. I approve this message. Great. let's do the next one.
Barack Obama plays basketball. Charles Barkley plays basketball. Is Charles Barkley qualified to lead our economy?
He gambled millions away in Las Vegas. Don't let Barack Obama gamble with our economy.
No Way, no How, no. Cherac O'barkley. Excuse me. Yes? Is that accurate? Yes, the Senator does play basketball.
Charles Barkley also plays. Charles Barkley lost money in Vegas.
Well, I can't argue fact. I'm John Mccain. I approve this message. doing great, Senator. it's exciting. it is.
And can I just say how excited I am about Sarah Palin? Ah, yeah. she's something, isn't she? Yeah, she brought so much energy into the campaign. Ken loves her, isn't that right, Ken? you bet I do. she has so much experience.
So now we're going to do some, you know, quick five-second radio spots one after the other. Sounds good.
Obama supports tax cuts for pedophiles. does he? Well, there's no way to identify all pedophiles. Percentages are. if you cut taxes, it's going to benefit at least a couple of them.
I'm John Mccain. I approve this message. Barack Obama has fathered two black children in Wedlock. my friends, I must say that reminds me of an attack George Bush made on me in 2000. he won that election, right? I'm John Mccain. I approve this message.
What is that one trying to say? Well, you know, it's not really trying to say anything. we'll just let people make of it what they will. Do you think it's fair? I do. And what about you, Ken? that's the fairest thing I've ever heard. in that case, I'm John Mccain, Live from New York. it's Saturday night. |
cracked | valentine_s_day_love_advice_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another you send in Valentine's Day questions, and I'm here to answer them. Let's go Okay, um well, I don't I don't know what you would do there, uh well Guys, I am feeling kind of creatively blocked I obviously need to get the ideas flowing gonna use a very simple trick We all use a cracked what we do is we just go to the Santa Monica Pier look to the West and think It's a it says pure thought it says it says pure thoughts I know we couldn't get the font fixed is someone your girlfriend when they hold your hand Or is it when they do something less sexually aggressive people do love being face-to-face, which is weird because snot holes I believe the human body is an amazing machine or It's just my body in which case I'm like an axe man or some someone once told me language is what bonds us? And when I replied in fake German, I didn't have to tip confidence is like oxygen. It makes the world go around Also doctors say I'm very low on it, but if I take these pills I think I can you know going to see a play is a lot like being in love It's hot and it's stuffy and it feels like forever. They say eyes are the window to the soul and Sunglasses are its locked iPhone screen or whatever. So this might sound weird, but I've been there and that's our Valentine's Day special thank you so much for being a part of it and write in any time at new guy weekly at gmail.com and I wish You a Valentine's Day as exciting as mine. By the way, I've got a date with a tinder lady. So romantic. She's requested 125 roses Thank you so much for watching. Please subscribe if you don't if you do why not ask a special friend to subscribe to You know a Valentine's friend Sexy friend not not right after sex though It is persuasive, but they're not at their computer |
TheOnion | Portrayal_Of_Obama_As_Snob_Hailed_As_Step_Forward_For_Blacks | Civil rights leaders are hailing criticism that Barack Obama is a patrician snob as a breakthrough for African Americans in an op-ed in the New York Times historian, dr Robert Woodson wrote 20 years ago. It would have been inconceivable that the news would portray a black man is out of touch with the working Class, dr. King's dream is now a reality joining us now is the author of those words. Dr Robert Woodson, welcome, sir. It's a pleasure You say the media's depiction of Obama as an elitist represents a watershed moment for America Yes in the past blacks was seen as ignorant or dangerous Right that today a black man is seen as too good for people as a huge step forward a huge step indeed Our polls show more than a third of voters think Obama doesn't understand the struggles of blue-collar workers. Oh, yes I never thought I'd see the day when an old white Millionaire is viewed as having more in common with working folks than a black man.
It's a proud day for America It is remember there was a time when a white person would see a black man on the street and cross at the other Side for fear. He'd get my wasn't that long ago. He crosses out of fear.
He'll be asked to donate to PBS It is incredibly inspiring really have to give credit to the American people for being able to look past Obama's skin color to see the Harvard educated smartass underneath That's right But the media shares some of the credit when you say as well the NAACP today awarded Fox News a Medal of Service For what they called their tireless work on behalf of African Americans. Yes Fox News They truly have worked night and day to present Obama as pampered and overly intellectual They've done so much for the black community. Now. Do you think Obama's image will affect future black politicians? Oh, yes in the future. We might see black candidates painted as wine snobs yacht Enthusiastic maybe even rednecks that would be so wouldn't it so clearly you are voting for Obama No, of course not.
I've worked my whole life. I have nothing in common with the man. Dr. Robert Woodson Thanks so much again for joining us. You're welcome Andre coming up next John McCain gave another speech today attempting to distance himself from his policies |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_hunter_biden_s_federal_indictment_upenn_president_resigns_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. a Federal indictment issued this week against Hunter Biden alleges that he evaded paying over a million dollars of taxes between 2016 and 2020. and they're only catching him now? Man, this is super embarrassing for whoever was president from 2016 to 2020. the indictment claims that instead of paying taxes, Hunter Biden spent his money on drugs and escorts. But honestly, it would have been more surprising if he remembered to do his taxes during that time. no one finishes doing cocaine with a hooker and is like, could I get a receipt? Speak for yourself. If convicted, Hunter Biden could be sentenced to up to 17 years in prison, which would be the first time any Biden has successfully completed a sentence.
House Speaker Mike Johnson said that he is blurring the faces on the footage of January 6th rioters so that none of them would be charged with a crime. So unfortunately, we'll never know who they are. it's photoshop. the President of the United. President of the University of Pennsylvania has resigned after appearing to dodge questions about genocide during a congressional hearing on campus anti-semitism. she will be replaced by literally anyone who knows you say genocide is bad. The whole crazy part is that the whole point during her speech was that free speech on campus should never be punished, And then she was immediately punished for her speech. Victor Manuel Rocca, a former U.s. Ambassador, has been charged with spying for Cuba since 1981, and that's why Cuba is the unstoppable superpower they are today. a new poll finds that New York Mayor Eric Adams' approval rating is just 28%. Now, that sounds low. Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy admitted in a new interview that he flew two times on Jeffrey Epstein's private jet, but only to make sure none of those girls were vaccinated. that'd be one of these kind of nights off. Mitch Mcconnell, seen here bringing peanuts into a preschool cafeteria, said he will tell Republican senators to vote against additional aid for Ukraine and Israel until there are meaningful changes to the border.
But the way it came out was. brains. on his website, truthsocial. I'm gonna guess scam. Donald Trump denied reports that he was so depressed after the 2020 election that he stopped eating, saying, quote, it was not that I was not eating, it was that I was eating too much. Wow, good save. that's like when a rumor went around middle school that I had peed my pants, and I was like, jokes on you, because I actually pooped him. The Los Angeles Dodgers have signed two-way superstar Shoie Otani to a 10-year contract worth $700 million, which is almost as much as his sister-on-only fans, Shoie Otani. I thought that was a real smart joke.
Mcdonald's has announced a new spin-off restaurant called Cosmix. It's exactly like regular Mcdonald's, except that at Cosmix, the mascot is, oh, no, Cosby Mcdonald? |
SaturdayNightLive | sylvester_school_saturday_night_live | Excuse me. I'm Steve Sisler. I'm with the Internal Revenue Service. Is this the. Yes, sir! this is the Sylvester School of Speech Therapy! I'd like to speak to the owner. Oh, Mr. Simmons! they're the Steve Sisler from the Irs to see you! he'll be here until she shakes up a lamb's tail! Thank you. you must be Steve Sisler! I'm Sylvester Simmons, President and Resident Speech Therapy of the Sylvester School of Speech Therapy. this is my assistant, Sylvia Sommers. Can I get you something to wet your whistles? a soft drink or something? No, thank you. I'm with the Internal Revenue Service.
No! we have absolutely no secrets!
Nevertheless, I'd like to see your books. see your books! Yes, yes. Sylvia, call Sidney Swanson in here. Yes, Sir! Oh, there he is!
I assure you, our books are in order, Sir! I'd like to see for myself if I could. just a second! Sidney does these books himself!
This smacks of harassment to me! it certainly does! This is despicable! Well, the teller told the government thinks this is a phony operation. that's the lie! we're as clean as a whistle!
This school enlightens by the state of Mississippi! we are all for a speech facility! Well, you show many students but no graduates. Well, what do you expect, Buster? it's a tough business. it's not for the students who we miss. good speech requires constant surveillance. you understand that? Oh, no successful students, you say? Here's the Sylvester School of Speech Therapy's success story now. slide on over there, Cecil. Hello. this here is Steve Sisler of the Irs. he thinks this is some kind of bogus speech school. so will you speak so he can show us our stressful tutelage.
Oh, I certainly. I'd be lost without the marvelous. Yes. come on, please. are you really a bona fide graduate? Yes, I'd be lost without the marvelous work of Mr. Simmons and his wonderful staff. that's right, Cecil. say it like it is, Buddy. you're the best. he's our best one, the best one we got, old people boy. Oh, well, I'll report this back to my office. I suggest you do so forthwith. sorry to have bothered you all.
Ta-ta. suffering sucker man! I can't believe he fell for that stupid ass man! |
TheOnion | Centers_For_Disease_Contraction_Urges_Americans_To_Suck_Doorknob | Officials for the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation held a press conference this week urging all Americans to suck on as many doorknobs as possible. CDC spokesman Brian Masterson talked to reporters today about his many recommendations for acquiring and spreading illnesses. This flu season, the Centers for Disease Contraction is recommending that all Americans, regardless of age or health condition, find a doorknob in a high traffic area, wrap their mouths around it, and vigorously lick and suck it until they contract an illness. We recommend sucking doorknobs covered in a visible film of human hand grease. But the fact is, sucking on any doorknob can increase the likelihood of exposing yourself and your family to deadly pathogens by as much as 450%. An instructional video released on the CDC's website Tuesday showcases the proper method for sucking doorknobs while also providing tips for projecting all sneezes and coughs outward, sharing used Kleenexes and toilet paper with as many people as possible, eating three meals a day from local garbage cans, and dozens of other easy bacteria spreading activities. The CDC also recommends Americans participate in regular group spit sessions where dozens of people gather around a single doorknob, spit on it, and rub saliva in each other's eyes. Once you do finally experience nausea and sharp stomach pains, it's important that you really let the disease fester inside your body. We recommend dousing yourself in cold water and standing outside naked in sub-zero temperatures. At that point, you're on the full path to staying ill and dying. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_angry_birds_merch | Welcome to bleep bloop, I am Jeff Rubin. Pat Cassels is not feeling so well, but I am here with Owen Parsons and Jermaine Fowler in just over three years.
Angry Birds has become so popular that when you search Amazon for it, you find over 11,000 products. Today we're gonna test some of the more interesting ones. This is the Angry Birds Hot Wheels Slingshot Launch.
You know, we could have assembled this before we started, but just not the kind of show we run. This is great. We have an Isle of Dr. Moreau bird car amalgam. I mean, I'd rather see these birds fly, but I mean, you know, they gotta... Just wait till we finish the track. Oh, okay. I do. Oh, that was awesome. That was pretty cool. I'll do this two more times before I get bored.
These are Angry Birds Fruit Snacks. Just like take a head of that box. Dude, look at that. This smells exactly like the Hot Wheels track did. Yeah, for a game about breaking through things, this package is pretty resilient. There we go. Probably just dropped acid to go. Oh, it's punching through my insides. Oh. This is Angry Birds on the Nice, one of several Angry Birds board games where you kinda get to build a little fort and then shoot things at it. Based on the app, soon enough, like based on the app is gonna become words you really dread seeing, just like movie posters on the screenplay.
Oh no. And I think you just have to get the pig onto the table. If you can get the naka pig onto the table, that counts.
This may destroy everything behind you.
Here we go. All right, that was fair. I'm just gonna flick it. You all laughed at me. Yeah. I like this. This part was really fun.
This thing needs a little more zap. I wanna really like naka, I want there to be a rest that I'm gonna put a hole in the wall. But it's so hard to be a toy designer because you have to balance fun with the potential to like put a bird through a kid's skull.
This is the Angry Birds card game. These blue cards are your structure cards and you put these out in front of you. It's gonna be the new casino games right here.
Oh, a wild card. All right. I got so excited about it for half a millisecond. Oh, a wild. That's it. All right, let me. I'm the best. You gotta flick it this time. Hold on, hold on.
I think that's next turn. I prefer the instructions here. I believe next turn. Let me check the dungeon master's guide here.
Does that mean you win? Yeah, I think you just won.
This is the Angry Birds 2013 daily desk calendar. I actually have no idea what is inside this. No bird facts at all? It looks like it's just artwork.
Well, Christmas, you have Christmas pegs. Oh. They're like, oh good, we have something to do for that day. They had that idea and then just decided to fill out the other 364 days. I wonder what the MLK day would look like.
Probably the black bomb birds on a podium or something. This is the Angry Birds Halloween mask. Sleepy, hollow, angry bird. This is what happens if you eat too many of the Angry Birds fruit snacks. After touching that mask, I think we could all use some Angry Birds hand sanitizer. Microscope focusing on the hand. It's just a bunch of a billion tiny little anger birds just knocking off the door or something.
I can't open mine. Yeah, me either. This is stupid. I can't open it.
Oh, you got a little clip on it for your belt. So you can be the coolest kid in the world. Yeah, man, look at me like that.
This is the Angry Birds Star Wars Han Solo launcher. Look at all the names that are on this. This is an Angry Birds Star Wars Hasbro. And then on the back you can see it's a kush product from the makers of Nerf.
Just all the lawyers that had to be in a room to make this thing happen. Why doesn't Nerf use orange all the time? It's still under- Cause they don't want kids holding it up and getting shot by cops.
Okay, all right. That's a policeman's first response. Child! This goes in, boop. Just totally mystified right now. Like there's only one knob to turn. Does it go, you have to push it in? Oh yeah, that's it. See, there you go. Oh, shit!
This is a reasonable approximation of Han Solo's actual for real gun from the movies, except now it shoots a yellow kush ball. I think he had a kush bullet, you know. Did Han shoot kush? I believe he did shoot kush. In the special editions they changed it so- He shot kush. I think, yeah, for the Disney versions we'll have kush- He shot Greedo with a kush ball, Greedo apologized and went home.
Hey there, if you liked that video, then click subscribe and check out the latest videos from College Humor. And what should we do if we didn't like it? Then keep it to yourself, Kevin.
Okay? God!
This is about me criticizing a fedora. It's not a fedora. It's a derby. |
TheOnion | Russia_Pledges_To_Run_Completely_Positive_Disinformation_Campaign_In_2020_The_Topical_Ep_40 | The state of American politics is toxic. We must have deception that is more civilized. That's just one of the Russian operatives taking a pledge today to run a completely positive disinformation campaign in 2020. But will it be enough to deceive voters? From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. Stay with us, we have just enough news to make you feel informed.
A wise man once said, When I was just a baby, my mama told me, Son, always be a good boy. Never play with guns. But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. When I hear that whistle blowing, I hang my head and cry. Powerful words. That man was Johnny Cash, creator of the Cash App.
What? He wasn't? Well, who the hell made it then? I don't know, we can't say that. Well, I was trying to draw a distinction between money and freedom and Weird. Ah, forget it.
Well, it's no secret politics in this country have gotten ugly. Most of the time you can't tell one candidate from the other underneath all the mudslinging. But as we approach the 2020 presidential election, some major players are stepping up to bring back civilized discourse. Russian internet trolls, the same ones known for interfering in the 2016 presidential election, have recently made a pledge to run a completely positive disinformation campaign in 2020. Joining us now is OPR Washington correspondent Dirk Mullins. Hi Leslie. So why are these trolls deciding to run a cleaner deception campaign? 2020 hackers and trolls are tired of how malicious and unproductive political disinformation tactics have become in America and want the vitriol taken back out of toppling the democratic process. I spoke with a member of the Kremlin-linked internet research agency who I call Victor in order to protect his identity. After 2016, we recognize that we are becoming part of the problem. Positive lies. A more civilized exchange of false narratives. This is what we are aspiring to, to spread to Americans in 2020 election. Interesting approach, but how will this affect their campaign strategy this year? Victor says trolls will still be using the same methods we saw in 2016, but in the future, their bots, micro-targeting, and deepfake videos will focus on spreading fake hope rather than manufactured outrage.
We would blame Benghazi on Hillary. Lock her up, lock her up, yeah?
So mean. So negative.
This year, we will just tell nice lies. Like, say, Donald Trump going to Afghanistan on a covert mission and killing an ISIS leader with his bare hands. Or pretending the automotive and coal industries are doing well. Now, those are lies every American can get behind. Wow, he sounds very dedicated to this turnaround. Well, to a lot of hackers like Victor, it's more than just a job in public deception. It's something they're very passionate about.
There's no sense of decency in politics anymore. How can I go home at night and I'm looking my kids in the eye when I am sharing memes of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer burying a pile of aborted fetuses? Yes, I want to make dissent in American democracy, but that doesn't mean that all sense of decorum has to be lost. And in that spirit, hackers will no longer link candidates to fake pedophile rings... |
cracked | why_civ_vi_brings_out_the_worst_in_humanity_escort_mission | Hey, you still pretending to be China? That's Pyramid China to you, and Eiffel Tower China, and survivor of Gandhi's nuclear assault China. Wait, Gandhi nuked you? Yeah, yeah, he's a psycho warmonger, in Civilization VI, which I already love enough to have poured an entire day into on playthrough 1. Why would they make Gandhi that? It's a reference to a bug from an older version of Civilization, because that?
That is a funny joke. Well, it's funny if you're nice and you like it.
Well, is your history game supposed to be, like, historical? Uh, kind of, yeah. I mean, it's got all the actual history things, but it's even better, because the victor gets to reassemble them any way they want. Oh, sort of like Legos, or history. Yeah, exactly. But the Legos are people's cultures, right? Are you using actual world cultures as toys? It's not a toy, man. It's a game, okay? A highly respected quasi-educational game.
But how do you know it's any good? This is like your first time through it. First time through Civ VI. Every version's kind of the same.
The major change with this one is that a lot of the city improvements go in hexes, called districts. Think of it like a roster update for one of your things. Is that good? Hexing discos? It's awesome, and I have many small but insightful complaints about it. You know, you must be doing something, right?
I mean, you're still in charge of the country after an entire day. Fourteen hours, so far. So about 5,000 years in game. I've met caveman Teddy Roosevelt, modern Cleopatra, and modern Teddy Roosevelt, who's still kind of a caveman. My current nemesis is Harald Hardrada of Norway. He built the Oracle at Delphi before me, and I'm almost positive that he's headed for nuclear armament and stealth bombing technology.
Okay, this sounds educational, but it absolutely isn't. It's like shredding a history book, gluing it back together, and hoping you pass the midterm.
My only midterm is to be the immortal leader of my peoples, and ultimately the entire globe, all without firing a single shot. Really? You're non-violent. I mean, the game allows you to be, and I try to be, until I can't resist anymore, you know? Mexico bumps up against the herd of elephants you had your eye on? What are you supposed to do? So yeah, I'm sure I'll give in a nuke someone at some point. Plus, I've got so many science points I could not develop nukes, and then, heh, you know, you got nukes, you're gonna use them, right? That's what they say.
Up till now, though, I've only killed barbarians. Those don't count. Who are they? Native nomadic peoples who are in my way. I overwhelmed them with superior numbers, demolished their cities, took their valuables, and built monuments to my own culture on the sites.
Wow, you are truly the Gandhi of this world. How dare you compare me to that monster? I will have you know that I clicked on the thing that gave my people free speech, and I could have easily used the points to establish a slave trade, which I only did a hundred years later when I superneeded the boost to my economy. It sounds like everyone in this whole society is a slave anyway. You're in total control no matter what, like a dictator, like Stalin or something. I am not Stalin! He hasn't been playable since Civ IV. But no, I'm not a dictator, I just have total control. People are free to express their dissatisfaction via a happiness index that I ignore for decades at a time. I don't know man, sounds like you're an undying dictator with mind control powers.
Wait, is this a science fiction game? I told you to warn me about those ahead of time. No, Alpha Centauri is a science fiction expansion, and Civ Beyond Earth is like the space version of Civilization V, except somehow it's boring and also you don't care, and I don't care.
And I'm not a monster! Okay, well then what are your intentions with this culture you're prepping Mastering? To win the game. To win the world! Okay, fine! So I like the fun part of the game.
So hag me. No, you know what? It might not be your fault. Quick try. I mean, you're you, you know? You're just sitting here with your electronic pacifier hurting no one but yourself. Not a compliment, not an insult, kind of lost.
It seems like whoever made this game. Sid Meier. Come on, his name's on every box, he's like the Shyamalan of video games. Okay, it just seems like this Sid guy is trying to tell you something about yourself.
Your initial instinct, most people's, is to win without armies, right? Because we don't want to hurt anybody. But if you were immortal for long enough, you'd become disconnected from people until you don't feel like normal people do. So you'd become cavalier about bending the world to your will. Or burning it down.
Great! Now I'm not in the mood to play the most addictively playable computer franchise ever made. Then can I play? I just convinced myself I should play.
Why? Because it's got a lot of layers?
Yeah. You know, it's kind of like why I love sports so much. If you look at football as a sort of constant- You know what?
Actually I just remembered I have a party. I gotta get two with all my friends. I have lots of friends outside of you. It's my birthday party. You forgot your keys, and your shoes, and your friend.
Hey everybody! Thank you so much for watching another escort mission. We hope you liked it and that you'll subscribe to the crack channel if you're not already.
Meanwhile, things are getting hot and heavy in this game, and I'm wondering, like, dude am I going for the diplomatic victory, you know? Or am I trying to get to Alpha Centauri? What do you think? Uhhhhhh. |
TheOnion | America_s_Roommates_Launch_One_Vote_Doesn_t_Matter_Campaign | Coming up, are the poor being disenfranchised by voting places accessible only by hot air balloons? But first, we turn to Washington, D.C., where America's roommates are holding a rally as part of their new One Vote Doesn't Matter political action campaign. The rally, which drew thousands of roommates ranging from the guy who keeps all of his groceries in his room to the guy whose name the lease is under, is just a part of a surging grassroots movement to spread the message that one person's vote can't make a difference if you really, really think about it. The group, which has volunteers across the country, is launching a nationwide public education initiative, and their phone bank has already reached thousands of potential voters. And joining us now is Jason Copeland at a One Vote Doesn't Matter rally in the nation's capital.
Jason, how would you describe the energy there? Hi, Andrea. I'd say it's a definite chill vibe. I just saw the roommate whose only friend seems to be his younger brother and the guy who just has an air mattress in his room passing out flyers together. And the roommate's got a huge boost today as Hollywood actor Topher Grace just finished speaking to the crowd. He seems like the perfect face for the campaign. Yeah, absolutely. He's definitely someone's snarky roommate, Andrea. Now, Jason, how did this sudden roommate's activism get started? Sources are tracing the movement to a conversation with Zeke, the guy who isn't technically a roommate but is always around and always has weed.
Reached for comment, Zeke spelled out his message to voters saying, quote, dude, are we actually still talking about this? Vote or don't vote. I don't give a shit. Hey, can I use your Netflix password? The roommate's message has been met with some criticism, including eye rolls and questions of seriously, you're not going to vote, and shut up. The roommates have clarified their position with this TV spot. Whatever, man.
You got this guy, Mitt Romney. Look at him. He only cares about rich people. And Obama, you're going to vote for him just because he's president?
Have you ever seen anybody actually look at your vote? Have you seen that? Hmm? Anyways, like the voting place is all the way out in, um, I don't know where it is, actually. Pretty inspiring stuff. There is an incredible energy here, uh, palpable, and the roommates do make some interesting points. The electoral college is, it is weird.
Yes. Well, thank you for the report, Jason. All right. Now the campaign is expected to last another half hour or until whenever Kevin gets home since he has the keys. |
TheOnion | reporters_blow_up_plane_expose_security_lapses | In the six years since the tragedy of 9-11, the Transportation Security Administration says it is keeping our airport safe and secure from attack. What are they? This Onion News Network Undercover Investigative Unit Special Report may surprise you. We go now to Brian Scott, live from Cedar Rapids. Thank you, Brandon. I'm here at the Eastern Iowa Airport where this morning we put the National Airline Security System to the test. We decided to see if TSA's so-called highly-trained security personnel could prevent our undercover reporters from smuggling explosive materials on board Continental Flight 742 and detonating them an hour into the flight. Our reporters prepared for their assignment in their hotel rooms early this morning. Brian, we can see that picture now. What exactly are they doing?
Yes, they took several components that when combined form an explosive device and then hid them inside their luggage. They then proceeded to the airport dressed as ordinary business travelers. Once there, they managed to take the bomb past airport security. They then proceeded to the metal detectors and get this, Brandon, they walked right through with the bomb. With everything that TSA has been telling us about our safety in the airports, how could this possibly happen?
Sorry to say, Brandon, it gets even worse. We have some audio from a 9-11 call. One of the passengers managed to use her cell phone after our reporters had taken over the main cabin. What you just heard, Brandon, was our reporter pistol whipping an innocent female passenger in the face while flight attendants did nothing. That's just children. And these same flight attendants did absolutely nothing to stop our reporter from assembling and detonating the bomb, killing everyone on board the flight. I'm told they could not even subdue our reporter, Dan Baker, who, by the way, was in terrible shape. You're absolutely right.
Tell me, Brian, have any steps been taken to detain or to punish these screeners responsible for this outrageous breach of security? The personnel responsible for the lapse in security had been temporarily suspended. No word yet on whether there will be an investigation or even indictments related to the gross negligence. Well, I'm sure all Americans hope this serves as a wake-up call to the FAA. And the FBI, too.
Everything required to make the bomb was purchased right on the internet. It cost less than $300 and was delivered to our studio via standard mail. Viewers can get a full list of the components on our website. Well, thank you, Brian.
Now, after the break, we'll talk to relatives of the victims of Flight 742, many of whom are demanding answers from the government. |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_beauty_and_the_beast_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | We all know Beauty and the Beast, the classic tale of a hostage convincing her kidnapper that he's not such a bad guy after all. But Hollywood's got some weird assumptions about masculine and feminine roles, and to be honest, maybe we all do. So what if we gender flip this romantic tale of Stockholm Syndrome around? Because I'm gender swap. Because this is gender swap, I'm Allie, and this is Uggo and the Chad.
We're talking about the animated classic here because you forgot the 2017 live-action remake exists. Who even plays the Beast in that? Is that like Adam Scott?
No. We open on a filthy homeless man offering a beautiful rose to a beautiful young woman in exchange for being allowed inside her beautiful house, which she refuses. Because any woman who's ever been out after dark knows that accepting a flower from its shoveled stranger is how you get the opportunity to see an extremely unwashed penis. Yes.
But the weirdo reveals himself to be a powerful wizard and transforms a woman into a hideous lady beast. A Beast-trix, if you will. This prompts a million TikTokers to misuse the term Gaslight before we pass the movie's five-minute hook. Then we meet Bryce, the local village hunk. This well-read hottie is relentlessly pursued by a bimbo badass named Gertrude. While Gaston's monomaniacal pursuit of Belle in the movie we know is considered his natural right as the village's overconfident douche oaf, Gertrude assembling the whole town for a wedding before Bryce has even said yes would make her look like someone desperate to put her eggs to use before she reaches the wisened old age of 23.
The whole town's talking about it. This would suck for everyone.
Gaston has an ugly little weasel of a sidekick who mostly exists to be physically abused, which is less funny as a woman getting kicked around for...kicks. And while Bryce's penis probably would give him a pass for being in a loof bookworm with unique opinions... When some people use their imagination... ...repeatedly turning down the hottest gal in town would make him look weird, no matter how desperate Gertrude is. A man who would rather be alone with his romantic books than actually in bed with a babe? There's a word for that, but Disney won't let me say it. There he goes, isn't he gay?
Anyway, Bryce's eccentric mom wanders off into the spooky forest of evil vibes and is snatched by Beastrix for trespassing. Bryce goes looking for dear old mom, and he agrees to become Beastrix prisoner in exchange for his dumbass mom's release. What follows is a story of a brilliant Adonis, learning that there's actually a sweet woman beneath all that ugly. A story that's presumably going to be a little awkward, considering that Beastrix would have hairy, pendulous breasts just swinging in the breeze the whole time. Yeah, go ahead and picture that dance scene. When some people use their imagination... Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Beastrix looking to get that jackass wizard's curse lifted.
If nothing else, no one wants to spend their whole life unmatting all that fur. But there's this weird paradox in movies where female leads are expected to be gorgeous, but at the same time it's seen as patronizing to insist that a woman needs to change everything about their appearance in order to be loved. That's why most Hollywood glow-up scenes are limited to a nine, becoming a ten by taking off her glasses, letting her hair down.
That's it. I did it. I'm a miracle worker.
At which point, the man notices that her charming personality is accompanied by some charming mammary glands. In Beauty and the Beast, Belle only starts to fall for the Beast after she sees a portrait of what he looked like as a handsome human. And she realizes there's more to this eight-foot rage machine than what meets the eye. But the gender's reversed. It would feel less like Bryce coming to the realization that he's dealing with a fellow human being. And more like he gets to say, oh, thank Christ, I don't have to shack up with a whale. Side note, a grown man drinking tea out of a little girl who's been transformed into an adorable teacup would be weird. Or maybe prosecutable. But Ally, I'm assuming you're saying, for the sake of moving this model up along. Beauty and the Beast wasn't just about physical beauty. The Beast had to learn to make himself lovable by controlling his temper, too. Well, you should learn to control your temper. Hey, I hear what you're saying, fictional man. But what young woman goes through life unaware of their flaws? There's a reason Gaston is beloved despite being obnoxious, and that's because traits like entitlement and arrogance are often seen as positives in men, even as they're dismissed as negatives in women. Gaston is an ambitious go-getter.
Gertrude and Beastrix would be seen as, at best, frosty. If you're a woman and people think you have a flaw, believe me, you're gonna hear about it. Whatever traits make Beastrix unlovable by the standards of some arbitrary magic spell are ones she probably doesn't need to be reminded about by talking credenzas. The real challenge for Beastrix will be separating the legitimate flaws she needs to work on from the just wizard telling her that she'd be prettier if she smiled more. Is she gonna powder her vagina? As we reach the climax, the town will probably still go along with Gertrude's plan to slay Beastrix because who wants a smelly lady monster hanging around the forest? Gertrude bites it in the attempt, but not before mortally wounding Beastrix. And it's only then, after Beastrix saves Bryce from a rampaging sex maniac, that Bryce confesses his true love, bringing Beastrix back from the brink and transforming her into someone considered worthy of receding his dong. Ladies, get yourself a man who can say, I love you before you are brutally stabbed.
Beauty and the Beast is a little weird, no matter how you dissect it. I mean, there's a reason that Disney movies are charming little fables and not deep thinkers. But with the gender swapped, it does come across more like one dude's wild spring break than a tale as old as time.
You trespassed into the girl West Wing, expressly against my girl orders. Whoa. Okay. Someone's emotional. First of all, I don't even remember us talking about that. Are you sure you brought it up?
Oh, pretty baby. So pretty baby.
Can I come into your house? Can I sleep in your house tonight, pretty baby?
Just a massive change. Zero to a ten. Now our stars can go. Thank God they're not old. A goal and the check. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_anthony_crispino_on_the_royal_wedding_and_killing_oksana_baiul_snl | Once again, there's a lot of news this week, But here with the news he heard secondhand is our secondhand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino. how you doing, Seth? hey, it's good to be back, huh? Look at you. you look young every time I see you, huh? Oh, really? no, come on man, it's just a figurative speech. So Anthony, what's the news this week? a lot of stuff to catch up on, Seth. lots of stuff.
First of all, you, well, you hear about this big wedding the other day? I think so, Yes. yeah, yeah, the Big Wedding, it was a real royal event because apparently Prince Will.i.am married Kate Gosselin.
It's true, it's true. And now Kate Gosselin is lying to be the next Queen Latifah. And Kate, you know, she's got eight kids. So when she dies, there's gonna be a real fight for the crown, Seth.
Okay, that's not right at all. You sure?
Prince William married Kate Middleton and it's Queen Elizabeth, not Queen Latifah. I'm pretty sure it was Queen Latifah though. you know, and it was definitely Will.i.am. that's why everyone got so upset when he didn't invite Fergie.
Okay, that part is weirdly accurate. But who told you about the Royal wedding? my best friend, Awful. Sal. Yeah, he's awful. Yeah, well, I think awful. Sal gave you an awful recap.
Okay, all right. But, you hear about this other thing now? this Fox News, you know, it's angry because they found the condom wrapper at the White House. True.
No, no. true story? it was the wrapper common, not a condom wrapper. his name is common. Oh, so you mean he's got a common name, you know, like Mike, or like Sammy Gugats, or like Eddie the Racist, something like that. a real common name. No, the wrapper's name is common.
And there was no condom wrapper. Seth, if there's not a wrapper, if this thing's not in a wrapper, I wouldn't use that, that's not safe. Okay. you gotta be careful with these things.
Anything else, Anthony? anything else? Yeah, a lot of things. Let's see, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger? yeah, he's splitting up with Maria Sharapova. yeah? they're not gonna be tennis partners no more. it's a shame. And you hear about this new Gingrich? he announced that he's gonna run over the President. you know, but he's not gonna do it until 2012. So, you know, the world will have ended already, at least according to Maya Rudolph's calendar. But, you know, what about this? what else, what else?
Oh My. God, I almost forgot the biggest news of all. we did it. we finally killed Oksana Bayul. at last, now Nancy Kerrigan, she finally got a revenge. Ufo, Ufo, Everybody, Ufo. that's the abbreviation for America, right? No, it's not. Anthony Crispino. Oh, everyone. no, hey, keep telling those political jokes. Yeah. I'm sorry, man. |
dropout | hardly_working_zero_dark_thirty_bros | Dudes, Zero Dark Thirty was the witch's dick, yo. Oh my god, dude, and they flew into Osama's compound? It's just like Modern Warfare 2. Except that journey kid called me a homo. Okay, but the one part I didn't get is how come all those prisoners in the beginning just bitched out and gave up their Al-Qaeda homeboys like that.
Uh, dude, because they're being waterboarded, you dumbass. That's waterboarding? What's the big flippin' deal? Look, if I was a prisoner of the CIA and I was being waterwarded or whatever, I'd just hold my breath. Come on, dude. Dude, I would. Look, I got to hold my breath for a crazy long time.
Watch, watch, watch. Look, okay. Well, look, I can't do it while you two scopes are looking at me, but trust me, okay? I'd be fine. I'd be so good, the CIA would probably recruit my eyes.
Yeah, right, right. Is this that way? Is that the last time you went to splashdown and you got water up your nose and you got a really bad science infection? Avatami, bro. Well, well, well, well, well, your lazy ass would probably bitch out with this stuff, letting you sleep. Uh, yeah, sleep deprivation? Yeah, right. Oh, you can let me stay up as late as I want? Uh, thank you, I guess. Yeah, I don't know, dude. You'd probably get mad sleepy after a few days.
Except, yeah, no, I won't because I'll drink mad Red Bulls and I'll be hulking the fuck out while all the other prisoners be like cranky and shiz. Bunch of talent bitches. Dude, what about the loud music? They'd be blasting paparocha and driving you freaking batty up a wall. Oh, you mean all that sweet ass, sick, heavy metal music? Yeah, I'll just dance to it all night until I win the torture contest.
Whatever, while you chodes are sweating your balls off in some tiny ass cells, I'd be escaping. Oh my god, it's a maximum security CIA black site, you dingus. Oh, like that even matters. I just ask if I could take a whiz. They're not gonna follow me into the freaking bathroom.
It's against the law. My dad's a lawyer. Oh, yeah, but he got disbarred.
Really? Why?
He hit a kid with his car.
The point is, as soon as they weren't looking, I would just run for the razor wire and climb over. And you guys know I can run. Remember when I outran that security guard at James Way's dope? He caught up to you, bro. Yeah, but that shithead was so winded. It's nuts. Fine, you're somehow over the razor wire, but you're still in the middle of Guantanamo Bay. How the frickin' gig at home, dude? Oh, boy, that's how my brother picked me up.
He just bought a used Toyota Echo. It only has 300,000 miles on it.
Oh my god, that's not how it works, man. Oh, hey, dudes, dudes, dudes, break it up. Break it up.
Let's just go down to the stock exchange and light a few firecrackers, okay? Oh, yeah, good idea. That's really smart. Yeah, that'd be fun.
It wasn't my fault. It's not my fault. It's these guys' fault.
I need a nap.
I'll make it run for you, man.
No! I was so slow!
Flashing paparooch and driving you frickin' batty up a wall. Oh, you mean all that sweet-ass, sick, heavy metal music? Yeah, I'll just dance to it all night until I win the torture contest. Ka-pew! Whatever. While you chodes are sweating your balls off and some tiny-ass cells, I'd be escaping. Oh my god! It's a maximum-security CIA black site, you dingus. Oh, like, that even matters.
I just ask if I could take a whiz. They're not gonna follow me into the frickin' bathroom. It's against the law. I'm a lawyer. Yeah, but he got disbarred.
Really? Why?
He hit a kid with his car.
The point is, as soon as they weren't looking, I would just run for the razor wire and climb over, and you guys know I can run. Remember when I outran that security guard at James Lee? It's dope. He caught up to you, bro. Yeah, but that shithead was so winded, it's nuts. Fine. You're somehow over the razor wire, but you're still in the middle of Guantanamo Bay. How the frickin' gonna get home, dude? Oh, boy! That's how my brother picked me up.
He just bought a used Toyota Echo. It only has 300,000 miles on it.
Let's just go down to the stock exchange and light a few firecrackers, okay? Yeah. Oh yeah, good idea. That's really sweet. Yeah, that'd be fun.
Whoa! Wait, wait, wait! I'll tell you whatever you want, bro! Just keep me away from this frickin' pile!
It wasn't my phone! It's not my phone! It's these guys' fault!
I need a nap!
I'll make it run for you, man! No! I was so slow! |
dropout | how_to_wash_a_goddamn_dish | Hi there, and welcome to How to Wash a Goddamn Dish. If your roommate sent you this video, they're concerned that you may not know how to get off your ass and wash a goddamn dish for once in your pathetic life. Don't worry, washing even one fucking dish isn't that hard. It's so easy, there's no reason not to do it, you entitled piece of shit. Now step one is to find some dirty dishes. Here's a bunch, right in the sink where you left them.
That's right, they haven't gone anywhere. No one's magicked them away, and they haven't cleaned themselves.
Fun fact, you did notice them, you lying coward. Here are some other places you may find dishes. On the counter where you left them? Under your bed for some reason? Everywhere I fucking look, or even in your useless, useless hands. That's right, every time you use a goddamn dish, that goddamn dish will have to be fucking washed.
Confusing? It shouldn't be, but here we are.
Fun fact, your helplessness is not a charming quirk. Now that you know where the goddamn dishes are, fucking wash them. Take soap, a sponge, and a little personal responsibility, and look at that, you're already done. Makes you wonder why you haven't done it sooner. Sure makes me wonder. Now you may actually have a giant machine in your kitchen whose sole responsibility is to wash goddamn dishes for you, and if that's the case, you're a disgrace who doesn't appreciate what you have. Fun fact, your parents don't live here and did a shitty job raising you.
And that's all there is to it.
Thanks for watching, and I hope you learned something today. If you didn't like the video, why not send your roommate our last installment, how to talk to someone like an adult, instead of sending passive aggressive videos, brad? Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_02_12_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're joined by myself, editor Clancy Overill and of course the Kay McGrath of the Diamantina Shire, Wendell Hussey. How are you Wendell? I'm alright, thank you Clancy. I came off the dirt bike on the weekend so I'm a little bit stiff and sore but other than that I'm a-ok.
And speaking of stiff, we've got editor-at-large Errol Parker phoning in today from a story he's been chasing in the Bahnhof district in Berlin. I'm not sure what's going on there. Something related to the nightclub there, the Berghain. How has your trip been Errol? It's been going good so far Clancy. Obviously those familiar with Berghain today are a nightclub here in Berlin. It's very hard to get a camera in there but you know we'll see how it goes.
Just do me a favour and don't look at the company credit card this month. Ok I won't mate.
Alright. We'll get through this and it's 5.10am in Berlin currently so it might even be just about time to put on your dancing shoes and head out. No I've been up for two days Clancy and this is a short little news bulletin and I've got a short little fuse at the moment so can we hurry things along please? Ok what's in the news this week Wendell?
In the news Westpac CEO's $2.7 million dollar golden handshake, a great example of how if you have a go you will get a go. Yes Brian Hartzer who resigned after the bank was charged with breaching anti-money laundering and counter-terrorism laws on 23 million occasions has received $2.7 million to fuck off.
What do you think of that Aaron? I know.
Well it's just another example of how this government's gone soft. In reality you know I think we should be doing what they did in Iceland and that is when their banks did wrong. I believe they went out into the street with their axes and they cut up their bankers into tiny little pieces and they threw them in the sea as per the Viking tradition. Yes similar thing happened in France on the 5th of May 1789 where they quite literally chopped off the ruling aristocratic classes heads with guillotines.
Let them eat KK and in other national news Brisbane man sends it into the river after being unable to find a station not playing dance monkey. Is that getting a run over there in Berlin Errol? Only the techno trance remix I've heard over here but I haven't heard the original but I can assure you that the variants of it are getting some decent Deutschland airwaves. This particular story saw a Brisbane electrician treating himself into a dip in the brown snake after hitting station after station playing the same song, dance monkey by Tones and I. He says he's not strictly a triple M kind of guy and likes all genres of music but they've butchered that song like General Hayek butchered the British inventory in World War 1.
The first day of the signclancing antiquated tactics against an opponent who had a weapon of mass destruction, the Maxim machine gun. Back home in town now and OK Gen Y says roadside assistance bloke after yet another call out for a P-Plater's flat tyre. Yes one older roadside mechanic as today returns serve for all that online ridicule he's been subjected to as a part of the OK Boomer meme. He was called out because a Gen Y graphic designer had a nail stuck in his tyre and didn't know how to change it. He then had to jump started after the young man had flattened his battery trying to charge his phone, waiting for him.
In some other news from the Diamantina Shire what have we got? Relative with Paul selfishly refuses to host Christmas. Yes cousin Rick is his name and he's said he's been hit up by his brother, sister, brother-in-law about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ more than once this month and each time he's outright refused. Not sure about his particular grievance Errol what did he tell you?
Well Clancy as a pool owner yourself I mean surely you'd know just how much of a pain in the arse it is to keep one clean. The last thing that you want to put in that pool is a relative who's just going to spend the afternoon in there converting you know, but to the bitter into urine and then putting that urine into your pool. So you know I can I can empathize there with young Rick which is why I took the time to talk to him over the fence just before I was going to ask him if I could use his pool or he's over in if that was there next month. Yes I find with my pools an above-ground pool so it is actually a bit higher risk particularly with my sisters-in-law's kids. It's not unlikely that I'll see them playing with something sharp next to the side of the above-ground pool which is uphill from where we'll be having Christmas. So that you know there's worries there that they could fuck everything up. Sounds dangerous probably not as dangerous as a bottle of Bundy and coke broken into an underground pool however though that is very expensive.
Yes I believe that happened at your school this week didn't it Wendell? It did and mum and dad had to come and bail us out big time so it was not something I would recommend.
And in other local news now local hedonist repairs damage done over the weekend with ginger and lemon kombucha. This particular bloke said after poisoning his body for 48 hours he found himself rapidly ageing and he says he plans to totally cleanse himself with a nice remedy ginger lemon kombucha. That should do the trick he reckons if not and a side bowl surely will.
Well there you go Clancy there you go I'm so tired.
Nearly there Errol and on the sporting front this week the ARU is under fire again. This comes after a 150kg plumber from Batu to 4th grade has confirmed he's also suing the ARU over the claim he could have capped in the wallabies. Yes a local brown trout fisherman Jeremy Dunning 37 arrived in Sydney with his local solicitor to begin court proceedings against Rugby Australia following the footsteps of Israel Folau. Yeah righto well are you bastards trying to put me to bed with this fucking rugby yawnian chap? The father of six is a prominent social member of our towns struggling club that plays in the Western Queensland group 139 competition. A 150kg Batuda Heights resident claims his career trajectory in rugby union was dashed by fucking politics and other bullshit during his briefly promising cult season. And following on from that Ash Smith another local of our town has confirmed that he's thinking about taking 4x and Bundy rum to court for derailing his athletic and academic career. He's also spelt academic A C E D E M E C so he's probably had a fair bit to drink and I think that's a fair point he's made there.
Maybe the floodgates won't open in other sports news and Lamelo Ball has set Aussie basketball alight after becoming the first ever NBL player to dunk. Well we did get a lot of heat for this article when we did write it because apparently there were other people before him who were able to do a touch sort of layup like your Andrew Gazes, your Shane Heels and all the other household names that have come out of the NBL. Yeah I guess people felt like we were going hard on the NBL but you know we're just happy for the ugly duckling right now because it is turning into a beautiful swan. The NBL bosses are so ecstatic with Lamelo Ball the young American's feats that they've promised him a 2011 Mazda 2 if he can do it again. And Louis Bill Williams an NBL fan commented on that story saying this is great surely it's only a matter of time now until the NBL sees a three point basket shot. So hopefully Lamelo Ball can bring that home for him as well.
Well let's learn to walk before we learn to fly I think. Safe Kletzi. Yep I agree. And on that note that's the news all wrapped up so once again thanks for tuning in and we'll talk to you again next week until then I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Kletzi Overall. And I'm Errol Parker. |
dropout | hardly_working_nerd_scars | Pay special attention to the head, because this actually wasn't modeled on Harrison Ford. Because at the time they made this, Kurt Russell was auditioning for the role of Han Solo. Incredible! Uh, Lando Calrissian on the other hand was on the door. Guys, how can you sit and talk about this sci-fi crap?
I mean, this isn't even an action figure, it's like a doll with boots. They're collectibles, Sarah.
Whatever, you sound like complete wusses. Wusses?
Yeah. Do you see this scar, Sarah? Ew! Did I ever tell you how you got this? No, I didn't even know you had that.
It was March of 07. I had just read The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, again. I got into some role-playing around the office, and I was having fun. Then one day...
I think I got that beat. You see this? Can you hear it? Here, touch it, you can feel the cartilage moving. Something's wrong, thanks, gross, thanks. It was a beautiful summer day in 2008.
I had just finished my ninth consecutive game of Settlers of Catan, and things were starting to get a little bit crazy. We've been playing for 11 hours without getting up, but I finally got it. Bricks, wood, wheat, sheep. I build a settlement, that's my turn. I'm going to get some more soda.
Oh, my legs feel weird. Unbelievable. Is it?
You think you know something about pain? Let me tell you about pain.
It was May 19th, 1999. The release of Episode 1. Wait, didn't everyone think that movie sucked? Aye.
Eleven men and women waiting outside the movie theater in line. Mostly men, only are. Stormtrooper helmets just keep us warm. Waiting in line for five days and five nights.
Then midnight rolled around. Doors of the theater burst open, and people went rushing in, hooting and hollering and clamoring to get to the front row. 130 men went into the theater. 120 men came out. Ten of us hid under the seats and waited until the next show.
Wish didn't start until 3.45. Sometimes I can still hear this. Hey, Dork! What the crap, man? You're supposed to be polishing my car! I just want to finish the monologue.
I- I- I- Yeah! Oh my god, okay, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. Nice dolls, ladies. God, Struder is so cool.
Did you see that? Do you think Lando has a penis? |
CrackerMilk | taking_your_kids_to_the_factory | Welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk. Don't you let him finish. Let him finish us.
Oh Hey, I'm Tom and this is Connor and that's Elias, you know who we are my phone's ringing is it important? Yeah, it is Hello Yeah, sure goob Hey man, sorry I couldn't make it to the podcast recording Who's this? Is this this is goob the guy that's always at the start that we kick off I'm just not feeling well, I just got some really bad news back from the doctor. Yeah, what's up?
Turns out I'm terminal with that. Yeah, I have no idea who that cunt is. I'm sorry. I can't Which one? You know the one with the hair and the Hawaiian shirts Tell them to get the fuck out. I don't know what you're talking about Okay, do you have Alzheimer's? No, but I tell you what I do have.
What are you a golden ticket? Oh Shit I got I got fucking two golden tickets. One for you Thank you and one for no one fuck off I guess you will have to find some other way to enter the chocolate factory.
I can't get out of bed What do you mean? I've got severe depression That's right.
Do you know this place that we're going to is full of chocolate. It's full of chocolate.
Oh, why did you say so? Yeah, I leave my other old cunts in his bed and I'll go fuck you old other cunts grandpa Joe and Grandma Elias and they're off to the chocolate factory and I'm gonna stay here and never be seen again Okay, right. We're at the Golden Gates outside the factory Look look who it is rolling down magic carpet. Oh the red car.
Is that what's up motherfuckers, Shimonah? Shimonah, oh my god, he's moonwalking. What's up, everybody?
Is that it's me Willy Wonka Yes me Willy Wonka Shimonah Willy Wonka Willy Wonka, what are your your top hits smelly Smeen? Yeah smeaded Yep Smead Smiller it sounds to me like you're just smeeze my stee You're listing the the greatest hits of Michael Jackson pop sensation, but putting smurf at the start of them No, I'm Willy Wonka. Um, I'm not related to Michael Jackson anyway Hey Willy Wonka, um, I've got this this golden ticket here Hang on Elias, do you notice anything suspicious about Willy Wonka? Well, it's just that he's moonwalking a lot Yeah, look and going and going Shimonah like Y'all got yourself a mean golden ticket I'm pretty sure that's what Michael Jackson does If this is really Willy Wonka and he's on the other side of his fence He will have the key to let us in to the factory. So, oh no looks like I forgot my key but the thing about me is I Have a weird dick it's shaped like a key The gates open my children come on in okay, let's boogie on in this is My chocolate land. We've got chocolate rivers. We've got trees Growing candy apples and they're also growing the 25 year anniversary Edition of the Michael Jackson thriller album. Oh my god. What a good album I'm gonna grab one of those Willy Wonka Sorry, I do that every time someone grabs one Fat German boy, I will let the house in and I like a stress belt You want to take a sleep in my bed with me consensually without anything else happening platonically proven in court Oh I'm an oompa loompa and I'm coming to dance to the song if you could if you could Okay, one two three four Really You guys snap out of a mate you've been eating too many candies Do you think that he sounds like Michael Michael Jackson? Hey, I've never been outside of this place So it could be but I don't know this Michael Jackson person is all I know is Willy Wonka and other children that come And visit occasionally does he moonwalk my sweet moonwalk often Sorry, I'm trying to do as young man.
I say it's hard I don't know He does does he moonwalk? Yeah, he does. He does moonwalk occasionally. Does he say hello.
It is me Michael Jackson Has been saying that does he say I'm not really wonka I am actually Michael Jackson Wearing Michael Jackson And when these little kids get to the final bit I'm gonna have them sleep in my bed Consensually and have that be proven in court. Nothing else happened. Shimon So if you could just answer my question, yeah, he definitely does not say that at all I've never heard him say that in my life. That's a lie. Yes It is definitely a lie because we just heard him say it right then.
I'm pretty sure Michael Jackson I'm pretty sure that you are Michael Jackson wearing Willy Wonka skin. Give me one sec, my friend Two options here. Yeah, either this come comes out with my secret then I'm the king Well, you know what we usually do have sex with each other Yeah, let's do that first and then we'll push the kid in this Watch my moves. Wow. There's a great move. You think he's distracted yet? They look like Michael Jackson I'm right here.
I'm just speaking German. Oh Oh Now you guys killed him, I'm grandpa Joe again. Hey grandpa Joe. What's up?
Hey, we're in a new room now We and in this room, we've got a special type of candy It's only the size of a tic-tac and when you take it you get a full erection for four hours Wow, I've got a whole room of television screens that are exclusively playing Michael Jackson's live tour before he died also excessive amounts of porn Me my TV off TV. Oh, that's a little boy from where the market who gets stuck in the TV. Oh Hey, is this porn? I don't know how to appropriately deal with the 12 year old boy watching porn.
I'm gonna go And jump in the chocolate river and kill myself Hey, it's me grandpa Joe. Oh, I just went off for a little bit and ate about five Viagra pills I've been erection the size of the Empire State Building There's a little girl just walks through the ass me Veruca salt I'm a little cunt Simone you want to hear my uncomfortably accurate Veruca salt impression I want that's one daddy Daddy, I want that's one. Why didn't you start with that impression? Cuz I'm a little cunt Just wanted to put that in there though.
Well, welcome to this room We've got a bunch of gooses and they lay golden eggs. That's right for some reason So I'm a goose It's really hard to fucking lady simple one part that I have coming around here constantly tries to shit out eggs every time Pretending to be a goose. Yes. He's squatting next to a goose. He's doing a big shit It's just gonna be it's not gonna be an egg Your asshole is prolapsing Oh Simone fucking Simone bitch Simone all over your bitch. What do you guys think of my egg? Well, it's a it's shit and you've spray-painted a gold and then you've you've gotten your hands with it And you've sort of molded it to look like the shape of an egg.
Hey, I've died Guess what with Veruca dead. There's no more kids left in the chocolate factory Just me you shitting your poos and painting them gold. Did I you grandpa Joe? That's right It's me grandpa Joe but a full-lasting full erection and look over here in this closet. I'm just oh Look a pile of a pile of skin just fell out and bought and bones and bodies. That's that was that's Willy Wonka Did you kill Willy Wonka and you're wearing his skin this whole time do you think what I'm thinking Michael Jackson I Like that last bit do you think we should could change should change the meal up a little bit? Oh See I like that a lot better execution perfect, I'm it 10 out of 10 bang Thanks for watching another classic cracker milk podcast.
Thank you. Thanks everyone. Thanks to everyone You know what?
They are what a bunch of oompa loompas with a full erection. That's perfect. No I love you know what? I think they are grandpa Joe I think they're a bunch of oompa loompas that are being skewered by grandpa Joe's pain I think that's perfect. That's perfect. I like it.
Good night everyone. Good night. See you next time |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_boogerman_saturday_night_live | And I swore I'd never work with you again.
And now, performing the theme from the film Boogerman, Miss Katy Perry, accompanied by dancers from the Boston Ballet. Boogerman, Boogerman, Thank you. I want the Boogerman dead! I don't care what it costs me! don't you see, Mama? I know he's different, but I love him anyways. Get a man, Boogerman! Boogerman love for your life, thank you. they hunt you with torches and knives. it's fun to be here. but you are free, but you're really a hero. Uh, honestly, thank you so much.
I'm so humbled. don't you know those boogers are poisonous? the public must never know. Boogerman, you did it! you found the time machine! Boogerman is now property of the U.s. government. you are the self in Qantas! you're gonna be a father, Boogerman. we're gonna have a bully. you're killing him! Turns out that compound that killed Boogerman also cures cancer. I was born the Boogerman, and I'll die. The Boogerman! Boogerman! Well, I have not seen the film Boogerman, but it looks like a huge pile of dog shit.
And the winner is Randy Newman. Good night! |
dropout | winter_wonderland | time to put the presents under the tree oh no that tree looks like Olympic and look at these decorations they look like crap I wish there was a place where jerks like this could get decent Christmas shit don't worry Santa it's in the northeast corner of the IKEA parking lot in Paramus, New Jersey trees you bet your ass we got trees I cut down a whole fucking rainforest Norwegian Thorpines Alaskan Viking Pines Douglas Furs Siberian Dwarf Pines this guy I don't know what the fuck is ornaments look great on a tree you know what you're gonna need on that tree ornaments Santa on a surfboard Santa riding a bike Santa in an arm wrestling match with a bear Santa trying discreetly to breastfeed his baby in Starbucks and Santa at home and no Christmas is complete without a Christmas nativity scene on your Christmas lawn baby Jesus Mary she's happy Sheppie, Dunkey, Livestock, Super San Gokul, Patrick, Buzz Lightyear, Salophilus, Moth Gigerod, and Mr. Potato Trooper I even got one of these uh, Ms. Sugar now, Ms. Fucker, bring the kids down but don't let them touch nothing this shit cost money they break it you bought it I ain't fucking around Call progressive direct today, operator OOH! |
dropout | george_r_r_martin_shouldn_t_plan_your_wedding | So we are just looking for something memorable yeah, we want our friends to think wow that was a crazy wedding Well, I'll give you a wedding you won't soon forget Okay Cool. I've been weddings across the seven kingdoms including a red wedding and the wedding King draw free both of which reduced Thousands to tears.
I hope in a good way. Mm-hmm. I had fun. Okay. Good Yeah for the menu.
I'm thinking roast hog with crackling skin wild hair ground and butter and a pigeon pie So dry your entire party will joke and die. We don't we don't want to die. Yeah, also we need a vegetarian option Yeah, well, we have a roasted squash laced with the tears of lease. What is that? What's the squash that we know that the tears it's a deadly untraceable poison.
He's the way your bowels and your belly Kiss, uh, no, we we don't need poison How about music we could do a band that's secretly a gang of deadly assassins or DJ Are those are only two options? Yes, then I guess we'll go with the DJ. Yes, definitely. The DJ is also an assassin He's very good. He trained with a guild of faceless men. They worship the many-faced God of death You know, we'll just plug in our iPod Yeah, great. Load it up with the reigns of Casimir and we're all set I was thinking more like Beyonce How will the crossbowmen known a slaughter the innocent cross bowmen Look mr. Martin, please call me George RR. Okay. I know I said crazy wedding earlier But I think what we're looking for is more just a normal wedding. Yeah, just dinner fun drinking dancing dying Fucking murder.
No, no, how do you feel about rape? Strongly opposed the capitation. Absolutely not. No Run right through throat.
These are all the same thing. You know what? I'm gonna tell you something right now I don't think you're ready to get married And I'll tell you another thing you're not because your age it's not cuz you don't got 14 grand you're saving account I'll say it's cuz you're not willing to take a goddamn risk And have a wedding in the George RR universe. Okay, you know what? Thank you so much for your time But I think we're going to find another wedding planner. Huh? Let's get out here. Oh, you'll be back. I also plant funerals You like what you just saw please click me to subscribe and if you like me to plan your wedding Please send cordon the gordon to the Eagle of Gordon |
cracked | 4_insane_simpsons_fan_theories_that_might_be_true_after_hours | doesn't count. Simpsons did it only applies to TV show plots. Are you kidding me? It should count even more.
Season 5, episode 10, Siegfried and Roy are mauled by their own white tiger. Michael, we are aware of the episode. It's just best not to make light of something. Okay, like, look.
There's an episode of Bosburgers where Bob enlists the help of an arcade nerd to help him get better at a video game. Simpsons did it. Right, or King of the Hill where Peggy goes to the bowling alley and she's ashamed of her big feet. Simpsons did it. I actually like to play Simpsons did Simpsons. It's the advanced version. Example, season 7, Homer gets hired to be Burns' new lackey and Smithers gets jealous. Simpsons did it, season 2. Is this a Simpsons night? Are we finally doing a Simpsons night?
Oh yes, please. Really, it felt like we were going towards famously predicted tiger maulings? No? Fine, whatever.
Alright, but let's put a limit on this. If we cover all 418 seasons of the show, it's gonna get unfocused and off the rails. Let's restrict the episodes before the principal and the pop-ups.
That was the episode most of the writers agree ended the golden rage. Matt Groening even called it a mistake on the DVD commentary. A dagger through my heart! And no Halloween specials and no clip shows. Not canon. Agreed.
Oh, if we really want to ruin it for ourselves because we're dead inside, Lisa was sad like a lot. I'm too sad.
I'm done for you are a journal of my hopes and dreams. And now, I have none. Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. Happy birthday to me.
Like, a real lot. I mean, they always play it off like it's resolved by the end of the episode, but it never is.
She's gonna grow up with some deep-seated psychological problems. She's the forgotten middle child. This is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter. No, my freakish little friend. That's a seagun. Lisa, please, I can't hear the announcer. Something needs to emancipate her fast. Her first kiss is with Nelson Muntz, a very obvious bright kid with rock-bottom self-esteem issues. She's gonna end up dating a series of assholes who don't deserve her.
Yeah, day Lisa. This is my point. They're all pretty messed up though. I mean, yeah, sad Lisa, but Bart is way smarter than anyone realizes. Now is the winter of our discontent. 12th Hall. Bank it off the pink tombstone.
Nirvana. A state of bliss attained through the extension of the self. Oh, now I know how George Washington thought when he surrendered Fort Nocessity to the French in 1754.
What? He can learn foreign languages left and right. Ma chupa flossa mignon. Na, mignon. And when he sets his mind to something, he's great at it. Yo-yo, soapbox derbying, mixing drinks.
Plus, in the first two sideshow Bob episodes, Bart makes incredible deductive leaps and solves the case. When Aunt Salma lights up her cigarette at the end of MacGyver, she'll be blown to kingdom come. Kids, right? How do you figure we missed that? Also, in the one flash-forward that wasn't a gypsy's prediction or a fantasy sequence, we learned that Bart actually does become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
He's not that smart. I mean, he can't even keep a C average to go to Camp Crusty. He's empirically dumber than a hamster.
Lisa proved it. Yeah, he's clearly got some sort of ADHD. I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
His dad also strangles him a lot, which I don't think is good for a kid. I have a kid, and he does not like being strangled.
Hmm, not even a little. In season 4, we find out that Bart starts getting neglected when Lisa is born, and then at the end of the episode, that is not resolved. I hate you. Does Homer keep Bart in the basement under a laundry basket with rocks on top of it? Am I remembering that right? Because that is some child called itch. When they briefly home-schooled Bart, giving him the attention and the discipline that he needs, he thrives.
Also, he probably needs glasses. Probably misses his old glasses. You mean it ain't me noggin' eats me peepers?
No, he just needs a genuine interest. When he wants to be a Boy Scout, he becomes a not-tying expert and earns all of the badges, despite a father who sends him death threats calling him scum. Maggie's also a genius.
What? Don't! Alright, you win round seven.
But she also shot a guy and knocked her dad out with a mallet. That's the kind of thing that labels a kid as sociopath pretty quickly. Marge is a part of the problem, too. She's an enabler. Just take a look at her marriage.
Marge threatens to leave Homer for very good reasons, no less than four times in eight seasons. Homer, don't eat it right. And Homer never addresses his problems, and yet she always takes him back.
He throws back the big catfish for her. After sneaking out and catching it, he caught it. He did the one thing that he promised not to do, the thing that represented his respect for her. Oh, this fish represents is just how selfish you are. In the Space Coyote episode, she begs him not to drink, and then he does, and then he goes missing and ends up at a f***ing lighthouse, and then she goes to the lighthouse and calls him her soulmate, even though he didn't learn anything. In fact, he specifically went to the lighthouse to find someone else to be his soulmate. She has to win him back after he betrays her by getting drunk in front of their children and then disappearing all night.
And that's bad. My family doesn't know I spent all night at this diner. Is that a problem?
It's Freudian. Freud is largely considered bullsh*** by modern psychology. I don't mean it's loosely psychological, though. I mean it's literally Freudian.
Bart is the id. He's constantly driven by base desires. Now's our chance to be bad. Jingle Bell! In these crazy copsey-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, bleed-gramps dry.
And Lisa is the ego, or the intellect. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. And she's capable of abstract thought, but also these existential crises. Please, Lisa, I thought you loved me.
Would it make any difference at all if I never existed? I'm losing my perspicacity! We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's rights movement for decades to come.
We're great at a party. We're really great. That's why her and Bart work so well together when they're solving a problem, because she is the philosopher and he is the pragmatist.
What's the sound of one hand clapping? Piece of cake. And then Marge is the super-ego because she's only concerned with what society thinks of the family. Doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. So today while the rest of you are out being different, I did a very good job of fitting in.
And then Homer is the brainstem. This is starting to sound suspiciously like my high school book report on Lord of the Flies. Oh, I have a lot of nerdy obscure evidence to support this.
Okay, try not to get a boner, but go on. I'll get a boner if I damn well please.
Season one, episode two. Lisa literally reads the dictionary definition of id. Id, along with the ego and the super-ego, one of three components of the psyche. Later in that same episode, Sigmund Freud gets mentioned in Bart's genius class. Freud shows how childhood shapes are subconscious minds. Season two. Ken Brockman is talking to Dr. Marvin Monroe, mentions Freud and says that he gave us an insight into the human mind. Do give us an insight into the human mind.
No joke. There's no joke in that line. It's just a thing that he says. Weird line to include in a show that normally turns every line into a joke. Season three, episode 18.
The guidance counselor that used to have a picture of Bart on his wall when he thought Bart was a genius. That picture has been replaced with Sigmund Freud.
How can you possibly? What?
I can close my eyes and watch any episode I want. It's all up here, baby. So that is several references to Freud's work in just the first few seasons. I think that's intentional. I don't know. It seems kind of sophisticated coming from the show that brought us itchy and scratchy.
Speaking of which, have you noticed how violent Springfield is? It's like the Quentin Tarantino universe, where insane violence is a cornerstone of all media. Ooh, death splats. Ooh, death by now killed. Blood on the ice. There's blood everywhere.
I just talked to her. Those aren't the suck she came in with. Oh no, I've killed Wilson. See me in America. God bless it. No, but even more than us though.
I don't think in the real world a movie about a mouse disemboweling a cat over and over would win nine Oscars. After eight months and nine Academy Awards. Maybe with Meryl Streep is itchy, but still.
It's like in the Simpsons verse when Chester Lampwick made Steamboat Willie about murdering an Irishman. He set animation off on this perverse path of ultra violence. So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence. Yeah, but I'm not so sure that itchy and scratchy is meant for kids. Homer watches it when Bart is a baby and presumably before and they use a parental advisory warning at the end of one of the episodes. Man, what a great show. This love of violence affects the society at large, not just their cartoons. The arcade games are more violent than ours. You can buy a bucket of beer for any sporting event, most of which end in a giant riot. This is a world where people cheer when someone gets alleged to you or when Mother Goose gets decapitated or when Crushing the Clown has a heart attack live on stage. This is a world where the hospital has an entire wing dedicated to children who injured themselves, imitating things that they saw on TV. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges Ward. Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence. The McBain franchise. That's way more violent than the Schwarzenegger movies that they're parodying. They even cheer when they crush Shelbyville, presumably killing hundreds. And don't forget it's okay to strangle your kid.
Man, what a great show. God, I know.
Side note, on Rainier Wolf Castle's late night talk show, his bandleader is a black dude named Scoey. But in the McBain movie, his partner that gets shot up is a clearly different black dude, also named Scoey. Do Simpsons writers think Scoey is a stereotypical black dude name?
Maybe violence isn't a big deal because some of the characters are clearly immoral. I mean, Hans Molmen has died multiple times. Now that you mention it. Oh, rats. Oh, no, my brains. Barney gets burned alive. Homer kills all of those candy conventioneers. Yeah, but they do have permanent death. Marvel Monroe, Bleeding Gunsmurf, they're both dead forever. Maud, Krabappel. Maybe there are clones. Maybe people do actually die, but then they're just replaced with duplicates.
Barney's got tons of kids around town, and Hibbert has at least two long-lost brothers. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
He's a jazz musician to some sense. Akira has so many jobs that it's safe to assume there are at least a few of him. I am Akira. Captain McAllister, too.
And what does he do? Is he steer a ship? Does he have a bait shop? Does he own a restaurant?
Handsome Pete could easily be a failed Krusty clone. That old woman that says, can I come to failed Marge duplicate? Oh, and what about the guy with the Brooklyn accent who does every job in the town and changes his face multiple times?
Those are all superior machines. You're just not a draw anymore. That's for keeping me waiting. Just need to get the old wet dry back.
This little guy writes mystery. Hey kid, you look good with that cigarette. Prom it is. Yes, the writers call him Raphael. Thank you. Well contributed.
And in the Bobo episode, they flash forward to the distant future where there's a set of Homer clones pulling a cart. I mean, there are a lot of sets in Springfield.
Nah, make it chill. Way to go, bro. I really know, neighbor, you know.
Wiggums, they all look the same. Same with the Van Houtons. And we're not even mentioning Shelbyville, which has like a bizarro version of every single person in Springfield. It's like that's the control group for like this huge clone study. Right. One of the Smithers who's deathly allergic to bees gets stung a bunch of times and dies. They just sub him out for one of the Smithers that can get stung a bunch without any ill effects. So Springfield is just a town of mentally unbalanced clones?
Is that what we're landing on? Yep. So who won? Was anyone keeping score? Actually, there's enough material in the show that you could pretty much contradict any argument we've just made if you wanted to. Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. It's a zero, zero, zero, zero tie.
What did we learn then? Why did we even do this? Well, there's no world, it's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Man, what a great show. I know. So can you like close your eyes and see the little bow-wow episode? Yeah. Really? You go all the way to the current seasons? Wow. I have to.
Okay. Hey everyone, it's the end of the episode, which means I finally get to eat this donut. If you liked that episode, please like and subscribe. Please submit comments. Talk to us about how uncomfortable you are with Michael masticating right in front of you. Whatever you want. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_209_Celeste_Liddle_Greens_Candidate_for_Cooper | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Well, welcome back to the Decode podcast, Batutah Advocates.
I guess you'd say insider-outsider analysis of the federal election and federal politics. It's a wild world out there. There's a lot of language that gets thrown around in politics that keeps people out of touch, out of the inner circle, out of the camera bubble. And that's quite often where the politicians want us to be. They want us talking about the culture wars and they want us talking about the character assassinations of these people that decide to be politicians. We don't hear too much about policy and we don't hear too much about what the parties stand for.
Now, so far in the election campaign, one dark horse that has emerged through it all is these teal independents. So they've got the Liberal Party stressing the likes of Allegra Spender, Zali Stegall, Zoe Daniels, and many more. They're running about 20. And the Liberal Party are really worried they're going to lose inner city seats to climate change focused corporate women who actually look a lot like the old Malcolm Turnbull brand of the Liberal Party, which a lot of these fiscally conservative inner city types would prefer. However, what a lot of people aren't talking about is the fact that the Labour Party is kind of facing a similar threat from progressive candidates in the shape of their age old little siblings known as the Australian Greens. This election, as is the case every election, several Labour MPs are sitting ducks for the Greens who are working towards picking up a few more seats in the federal parliament.
Now, today's guest is gunning for perhaps the most marginal of them all, the seat of Cooper in Victoria, which takes in the Northern suburbs of Melbourne. Today's guest is a First Nations woman, a unionist, a feminist author. That all checks out for the Greens, but the unionist thing, we'll get into it a bit later, not what we would readily associate with the Greens. It's almost some would say a bit of a refreshing inclusion in the party. She's lived in the electorate for 20 years and is ready to make the very unpleasant career decision to move to Canberra and represents her constituents federally.
Celeste Little, thank you for joining us today. Thank you so much for having me on guys.
Now, the first question is, you actually one of a couple indigenous candidates that you've interviewed on the Decode podcast. So we'll start there. Who's your mob? Where's your family from? Sorry, that's definitely a tiger bales opening.
Look, my mob, I'm an Arrondah woman from central Australia. So my traditional lands are Bantra or Alice Springs and then East and Southeast are there. Littles are a huge central Australian family, but on my Nana's side, I'm also a Perkins. So I am related to half of central Australia, pretty much. And mum's side are Clifton Hillborn Collingwood supporters.
So, you know, not so much a mob, but kind of in a way. Yeah, yeah, well, it's definitely a demographic that exists down there and remains strong. Yeah, yeah.
Now, can you tell us how did a trade unionist end up getting tangled up in the grains? You know, a party that in Melbourne especially is associated with olive chinos and Birkenstocks. Look, it's been a very long story because anyone who knows me and has been following me and my writings for years, knows that I've said so many times there is no way in hell that I would ever run for politics.
But that changed last year. COVID, growing disparities in communities, you know, things like the bushfires, blood spit later and all of that, kind of tipped my hand and made me, made the penny drop for me because I'm a grassroots activist who strongly believes in grassroots action. But the penny drop with regards to the fact that only a relative handful of people make decisions in this country that impact the lives of millions. So we need more people on the floor impacting those decisions.
Yeah, the Greens and being a unionist and all of that, I've worked for one union and I'm a member of two others. I know I'm a donator to a fourth union. Out of those four unions I'm associated with, three of them aren't affiliated with the Labour Party. So, you know, whether that's for ideological reasons, you know, not tying their members up to a political party and giving people the choice to kick whatever powers they need in order to get better workplace conditions or, yeah, well, there's a number of reasons. That's the main reason. But yeah, unions that I work with and have been a member of, most of them aren't affiliated with the ALP. But the Greens, as far as their politics and their policies and that go, you know, mostly align with things that I've been talking about for a pretty long time as an activist and in the public eye.
So there was that. And there was also this particular seat, which is the most progressive voting seat in the country. And being a long-term resident of it, really wanting there to be some sort of democratic choice in this seat. Because in the years that I've lived here, it was mainly a safe Labour seat until about just a decade ago. And, you know, seeing that challenge and seeing that excitement, seeing people actually wanna go to the polling booths and cast their vote here, it just hasn't happened. So having people here in a community that I care about, being really excited about the opportunity to cast their vote and to have a choice at the ballot and a choice, you know, that is progressive. And we do have other progressives running in this seat. So it's kind of the choice that people in this seat deserve, finally.
Now, you mentioned it, you know, about a decade ago, things started to get a bit greener in the electorate of Cooper. Was it in 2016, an election Labour only held on by about 1%? They kind of had a bit of a lift in 2019. That was probably because the Labour leader at the time was from Melbourne and got everyone's hopes up that they might have a Victorian prime minister, which was not the case.
Now you're running at it again. As we said at the start of this interview, you're perhaps the most marginal. You're not one of those candidates that they're running in one of those safe Liberal seats just for a young kid to have like a little frolic in university. This is the real deal. You could be packing your bags and moving to Canberra in a few months time. Is there a little feeling, you know, as exciting as this all is, that by taking the Labour seat from Albanese, you'll be weakening his ability to replace your common enemy, which is Scott Morrison.
Does the Greens taking seats from Labour kind of undermine the idea of a tide rising together? Or do you actually want to boot Labour out as well, as much as the Liberals? I wouldn't say that I want to boot Labour out. I want a Labour government, but I want a Labour government that is actually acting progressive and pushing towards progressive ideals. And when you see their climate targets falling short of what's actually really needed in order to reverse the climate emergency, and you see Albanese coming out with statements just this past week about how anyone who comes by a boat will not be resettled in Australia with regards to refugee rights, it's clear to me that if we do have a Labour government, that we actually need a crossbench that's strong and progressive in order to push Labour back towards the left, because at the moment they seem to be lurching right. We've already got a right-wing party in the coalition, so we don't need that. And we need a party that is appealing more towards progressive politics.
A lot of people have struggled these last couple of years. There's so much that needs to be done. And so that's a dynamic that I'm actually interested in, being across venture and forcing Labour, maybe dragging them a bit, kicking and screaming back towards the left so that they're looking towards social policy and caring for communities as opposed to what they're doing right now. I did want to really quickly cover, yeah, you were pretty right with your analysis. So it was 2016.
Greens won the primary vote in this seat, but lost the seat on Liberal preferences flowing to Labour. So we had David Beaney returned as the member then. Prior to that, we had Martin Ferguson. So one of the biggest reasons why the margin grew in this seat so much in the last federal election was that the Labour Party finally put in a progressive candidate. Jed Carney is the sitting member, ALP member here.
And she's, you know, a wonderful woman, former ACTU president, another unionist. So, you know, A&M before that, a nurse, yeah.
They finally, through the pressure from the left in this seat, they finally decided to pre-select a good, strong left-wing candidate. But that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be a choice on the left for the voters. Yeah. Do you think that this move that Labour's had towards the right is, you know, just more of a stunt to try and win office? Because, you know, as we saw what happened last time, it was quite a binary choice between left and right, where it kind of this time, we've got two parties kind of near the centre, both kind of leaning right. Do you think that Labour will snap back to its more traditional values if they win office? Not without pressure. The previous Labour government had funding to higher education, continued things like the Northern Territory intervention under a different name with stronger futures. You know, it had pretty appalling refugee rights policies and were trying to extend them. So yeah, I don't think that they will snap back to the left without pressure. Yeah. I think that you do need strong pressure in order to make them do that.
Because right now, I think what they're trying to do is play to what they perceive middle Australia to be and playing to win that. Their core values are being forgotten and that's a problem. Now, as someone with the family tree that you have, you mentioned before, you've got Perkins in the family and Little as well, lots of family out in the Territory, lots of family in the bush. I'm sure you're kind of familiar with walking in two worlds as a inner city Melbourne girl with family that live a very different life. We know that Cobourg is not Alice Springs. Do you think you add a bit of an outsider perspective to the Greens HQ, which as we mentioned earlier, may be a little bit Melbourne uni centric? I will correct Preston rather than Cobourg. But you know, yeah, to a degree, we do have a really strong caucus of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander members within the Greens. So there's quite a few of us who are continually doing that walk and feeding back into Greens policies.
From Bantwa to Preston, the sort of perspective that gives me is obviously the ability to see the difference between what's happening up there, how people are struggling, what sort of racism plays out there versus what sort of racism plays out here. You know, there's systemic racism up there and there's blatant racism up there. There is both down here, but in different forms. And certainly, you know, you find that within progressive movements, whether it's the Greens or the labour movement or whatever else, that you're always needing to challenge that racism to reeducate, to say, well, you know, these are the perspectives you're not listening to. And, you know, that ability to move between two such different landscapes, to be tied, you know, intricately into one by thousands of generations, but also then to have a 30-year history with Melbourne itself is kind of cool. I don't know how else to put it. You know, it's such a, it seems like such a trite word, but yeah, it does provide a perspective.
I'm also someone, you said Melbourne University, I'm a graduate of Melbourne Uni as well as a Trove and Monash. So, you know, I've got the university experience and have seen, you know, how those perspectives play out in Melbourne. And the one thing I will say about this particular seat, as well as being one of the most multicultural seats in the city area, the neighbouring one, Wills, is also quite multicultural, but this one also has quite a high Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander population. And, you know, a lot of them are traditional owners from Victoria, but some of them are like me and have come from elsewhere and made this our home, away from home for a long time. So we do get the opportunity to actually have exchange and interaction between a lot of different Indigenous perspectives in this seat as well, which is awesome. I want to talk a little bit about the Indigenous perspective in Melbourne outside of the Greens, you know, as a party. In the history of post-settlement literature and music, Melbourne has featured the likes of Archie Roach, Dan Sultan, lots of different voices and stories and perspectives have come out of there. But it doesn't ring the same way as Redfern or West End or some of these communities that are very politically active and are looked to as kind of engine rooms. So what has life been like down there and who do you kind of speak to and answer to when you are talking community stuff in Melbourne? Yeah, look, I think a lot of the reason why it doesn't is due to whitewashing because there is a long, proud activist tradition of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people here in Melbourne. And it's tied a lot with, well, as Daniel Sultan sung about, another Arrinder person, Daniel Sultan sung about, you know, old Fitzroy and the communities that were sort of living around there. And a lot of those people came from all over this state, you know, traditional groups were all over this state, funneled into places like Fitzroy and Collingwood, you know, grew up in what was then the slums.
Flem and Ken. You know, yeah, yeah.
Then the slums, you know, all considered that way, but was actually quite a vibrant community where a lot of political activity was happening whether it was, yeah, people meeting in trade union bars and deciding what they were gonna do next or whatever else. But this seat here is named after William Pooper, an amazing Yorta Yorta activist.
Moved to Melbourne as an elderly man because on mission you couldn't access the aged care pension. So I moved down here, you know, in order to be able to access a pension and to be able to live.
And then while he was here, was pretty famous, not just for being one of the key organisers in the first day of mourning protest in 1938, which has then become, you know, two different things. That's become the ongoing invasion day protest, which we pack out to the tune of nearly 100,000 each year here in Melbourne and NAIDOC week. So that's the two events initial day of mourning protest became, but he also was famous and world recognised for delivering a private citizen protest to the German consulate here in Melbourne against the persecution of Jews during the Kristallnacht event. So, you know, he's recognised across the world.
He also set up a number of these institutions that exist to this day. One of them just down the road from me here, Victorian Aborigines Advancement League. So, you know, it's between that and the activism that set up things like the Victorian Aboriginal Health Service, the legal service, you know, and then that community of Old Fitzroy and how people, when they did come to Melbourne, they sort of came to those places and found community, found mob, is pretty important. But I think that a lot of that stuff has been a bit whitewashed.
I certainly didn't have the opportunity to be taught about the activism that had gone down in this city when I was still at high school. We weren't taught about William Cooper. We weren't taught about, you know, Mudge Tucker and all that sort of stuff.
I just wanna take a moment now to go back to the lead up to the last election where a lot of people in the Greens, they marched from down south up to central Queensland as a part of the Stop Adani Mine. I just would like a little bit of insight into what the Greens are doing this time around in their relationship with more regional communities. Yeah, I mean, they are working with some of these groups. So the Wangan and Chagalingoo people who are protesting the Adani Mine on their traditional lands and trying to make sure that protests do happen, you know, in consultation and collaboration with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. The same goes with things like the Beadaloo Basin Cracking Project. So consulting with traditional owners up there and ensuring that actions that are taken are done in consultation.
But the Greens in this election have pointed out that there are 114 new coal and gas projects that the coalition and labour currently support and are bringing in. And we're saying no to those 114 new coal and gas projects. We should be moving away from coal and gas and, you know, fossil fuels in general and towards renewables.
And so any protests that we do engage in or any consultation that we do engage in needs to be done hand in hand with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. We do have a big First Nations policy that has been developed by the First Nations group of the Greens and then passed at National Council, which also talks about, you know, the importance of truth telling and treaty. And that's got to inform any sort of processes that we engage in. Like, you know, you're talking treaty, what you're actually talking about is land rights and respecting those rights that the First Peoples of this land have over those landscapes. So you can't go up there and protest without doing it in consultation and making sure that you're actually advancing that push, but the recognition of sovereignty. With the Working Towards Treaty for First Nations people, for the listeners in the tractors, you know, Patoota's core demographic here, can you explain the current model of treaty that you're pushing for?
Because the media and the major parties obviously aren't going near it. You know, is this the Uluru Statement of the Heart? What is coming out of the Black Caucus of the Greens right now? There has been a lot of media coverage this past week and I've read some stuff that has just really made me cringe and shake my head, including an idea that the Greens were going to vote with One Nation to block a voice to parliament, which just is not accurate. The voice to parliament is part of the Uluru Statement. In fact, the Uluru Statement outlines voice treaty truth as the steps. The Black Greens, however, strongly believe that before we get to the voice, we actually need a truth-telling process in this country.
You know, I said before that I went all the way through school without learning about the activism of William Cooper and other figures that were around old Fitzroy. I certainly didn't learn about the huge amount of massacres that have happened in Victoria and the fact that there are so many sites and so many examples of this.
And I descend from stolen generations. My grandmother was a stolen generations woman.
We need that truth-telling process. We need to be negotiating treaties and probably recognising Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander rights because the terra nullius myth is still very much permeating the culture of this country. Whether it's parliament and the way it's set up and the instalment of the constitution or it's the way people view it, we're having to try and get things like the Frontier Wars actually acknowledged. You know, we need that truth-telling process and then we need to come to the table as equal stakeholders and negotiate ways forward. And it's my view and the view of a lot of others in the Black Greens that a voice to parliament or a voice within parliament can be negotiated through a treaty process. This country really does, like we see over in Aotearoa, need to have a bunch of agreements and obligations that it adheres to and is required to adhere to when it comes to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people in this country.
We've continually been the victims of revolting legislation imposed upon us. I mentioned the intervention, but you know, the community development programs and another one, the welfare quarantining was tested on Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities through the basics card before it was rolled out more broadly. We've continually had to deal with these sorts of legislations being imposed upon us without consultation and treaty forces that consultation to happen. A voice by itself simply isn't gonna do that, particularly if it's just a voice that isn't democratically selected by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people and has no legislative power. I mean, the tackling revisionism is an interesting platform because no one's really spoken about it like this heading into an election with it as a policy.
Now, I kinda wanna ask you, and this might be an uncomfortable question because you are a member of the Greens, but how do you deal with that double-edged sword of ally-ship, ally-hood? You know, you mentioned the whitewashing of old Fitzroy, gentrification as well is an issue. You know, you've got people that you'll see down there on the invasion day rally, one of the 100,000 people you get in Melbourne who'll also cross the street to avoid an old uncle walking down the road in Fitzroy. How do you tackle that kind of conditional support that you get from the Patagonia puffer vests of inner North Melbourne? And, you know, I don't know if I could have put it more brilliantly than that, to be honest, because despite the fact that I'm definitely quite hard left, I've spent a lot of my time having to fight within the left, fight racism, fight buying into neoliberalism, those sorts of things, you know, continuously.
And that gentrification, that creep that you see happening in Melbourne, Northwood, where communities that have been quite indigenous, you know, there are a lot of post-World War II migrants that live in this area as well. So old working class areas and how they're being gentrified and making sure that their voices are heard, but also making sure that areas like this don't actually become places where we just simply can't live anymore because of costs. So, you know, things like building more public housing, creating more sustainable infrastructure and increasing wages and bolstering the social safety net through the taxation of billionaires is ways that we're trying to mitigate those sorts of things. There's so much that needs to be done to ensure that areas like this do stay accessible to so many people, the communities that they've served for such a long time.
So you think by taxing billionaires, they won't be able to afford to buy their sons and daughters a little terrace flat in Preston? You know, it'd be my ambition to tax them that much. I don't think there should be billionaires. Billionaires existing at all is, yeah, it's astoundingly wrong, particularly as we see homelessness rates go through the roof around here.
You know, we see so many people who lost their jobs during COVID because there's a lot of artists, there's a lot of academics and there's a lot of hospital workers that live in this area and a lot of them ended up losing their jobs. And yet we still have billionaires in this society who increase their wealth under COVID.
So I would happily tax a billionaire out of existence, but, you know, at least getting them to pay something would be incredible because they're not contributing. Well, just to unpack this tax on the billionaires, is there like a fixed amount? Like have the Greens decided how much on top of this country's already extortionately high tax rates they're gonna be paying? So, you know, 6% at least to then funnel it into things like the social safety net, like mental and dental health into Medicare and a vast increase in the amount of public housing. But yeah, the fact that we would even need to consider just taxing them 6% in the first place says how little they are actually contributing to the public purse at this point as they have been increasing their wealth during COVID. You wanna tax billionaires, mental and dental, that's been actually a big one on the front of the campaign.
Adam Bandt's been talking about that for months now, which, you know, kind of ties into, this is where everyone's out after the pandemic and there's a lot more support needed and a lot more access needed to support. You talk a lot as well about the arts, which, as we know, employs more people than coal mining and are often called upon during bushfires and pandemics to keep us all happy, but are kind of left in the dark. What would you say in terms of supporting live music and arts? Because as we know, this industry can actually run itself if we remove noise complaints from suburban pubs and the live music scene really does its own thing. What else have you got to kind of boost this industry?
Yeah, look, Melbourne has one of the highest numbers of live music venues per capita in the world. And you walk around this place and you see that and there's a frequent hunter of these places, a massive live music fan. I mean, this is where I spend my free time. I'm out there seeing bands.
But, you know, so many artists struggled during COVID and you're right in that these are the same people which the minute there is a disaster are called upon to donate their time, to donate their talent in order to raise money for others. And they do so proudly and happily.
But when it comes to rescuing the arts, there doesn't seem to be an awful lot of investment in that. Like we need to be assisting live music venues and galleries in staying open. We need to be ensuring that playhouses and all of that are able to stay open. We need to invest monies back into the industry so that people are able to build up their arts practice after two years of being stuck at home, not being able to get out there and earn an income, you know, and are able to build their income back up and live again. Because it is, as you say, it is an industry that runs itself. It brings a lot of money in. We punch so well above our weight on a global scale when it comes to the arts. The amount of artists imports that we get overseas is extraordinary. But yet, you know, when it comes to the arts, both the government and the opposition have mainly been missing in action. There needs to be a lot more when it comes to grants and supporting the arts and supporting places to keep running.
Yeah, you just mentioned there before that you spend your free time in the lowly dive bar oases of Melbourne.
What kind of bands are you into? You mentioned before we sat down to do the interview that you come from a country music family, but you've maintained the punk rage. Who are your favourite bands now and who are your favourite bands of all time? Oh, favourite bands now. Look, there are so many bands that I adore and artists that I adore.
Listing them is almost impossible.
But yeah, I mean, if I'm thinking of bands that I love in Melbourne, bands like Cable Ties, well, we've got Slim Jeffries performing for us tomorrow night at a gig that myself and Lydia are running together. Love them.
You know, I loved the Peak Temple. I was a massive Peak Temple fan and I've loved both Blake Scott's solo career since Sheppard and Airplane, which part of the Peak Temple then went and formed.
That piece are extraordinary. Yeah, I could just sit here and reel off so many. Look, I recommend if people are on band camp, they can actually look me up and see what I'm listening to because I've got so much mad respect for the Melbourneite music scene. And how could I forget the Cosmic Psychos? My goodness, you know, icons, absolute icons who influenced the Seattle grunge scene somehow from a tractor in country Victoria. Yeah, so, you know, there's just so many bands in this city and bands in this country that I listen to and absolutely adore. You know, all-time favourite bands, again, I have a lot of trouble naming them, but, you know, partial to a bit of Buzzcocks, love a bit of David Bowie, you know, was a massive Pink Floyd fan growing up as a weird teenager. So I'd be wearing all my cheesecloth and listening to Floyd albums and, yeah.
Weren't we all?
Oh, and Iggy Pop, of course, you know, that wonderful, raw chaos that Iggy Pop injected into the music scene. And how that was running parallel with the raw chaos that was coming out of garages all across Australia at the same time. And so people like Iggy Pop became loved by people in Australia to the point of where he always comes back here because he always knows that he'll get a crowd.
Yeah.
He's just like the punk version of Pink. I'm just, you know, very big here.
Now, just lastly, aside from the policies we've mentioned above and your party's framework, what do people in Cooper want delivered the most if you were to get elected? What's their core issue?
Yeah, look, the people in Cooper, well, if we're going off boat compass, definitely the climate emergency. People are really concerned about the climate emergency and want strong action on climate change. The Greens are going for a 75% cut in emissions by 2030 and then net zero or net negative by 2035 with no new fossil fuel projects being opened up and training in that.
To be honest, I also want to throw refugee rights in there because people in Cooper, as well as turning out to invasion day rallies, turn out for the rights of refugees. You know, just down the road from where I live here, there were men who'd been transferred here under the medical support program and just being locked in the hotel rooms. People want more humane refugee policies. They want Australia to actually adhere to our global obligations and look after those who come to this country from fleeing prosecution from elsewhere.
So yeah, I'd say that those are a couple of things. I mean, definitely strong social safety nets and others, but the climate emergency is one of the highest rated, it seems, with voters in this area. It sounds like you've got a piece of paper with a few dot points on it that you're going to take to Canberra. Given the last year we've had, the last couple of years we had, and given the prevalence of climate change related policy in this election, it may very well be you that's dropping the confetti in three weeks time.
So we want to thank you for joining us today, Celeste Little, and wish you all the best. It is my absolute pleasure. Thanks for having me on. Thank you so much. Anytime. |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_condom_incident | During my freshman year at college, I was dating a girl who still lived at home. One night we were messing around at her house when I realized I didn't have any condoms on me. So my girlfriend insisted that I go steal some from her dad's closet. I should have asked her why she knew her dad had condoms or just stood up and screamed NO! But at the time I was thinking with the wrong head so I quickly agreed that this was the best plan of action. I'll give you a hint. It was not the best plan of action. In nothing but a pair of boxers I snuck across the house into her parents' bedroom. Luckily they had gone to some lame opera that night so the place was empty. Once I got in the closet, I immediately realized why this plan may not have been the best idea.
There were literally 50 drawers to choose from and they all looked exactly the same. For longer than I'd like to admit, I was convinced I was on a hidden camera reality show. So after I get up looking for the camera crew, I started opening the drawers one by one and quickly learned that old men have way too many pairs of underwear. Eventually I opened up the right drawer and found the jackpot.
Condoms. Lots of condoms. Like way too many condoms for a dad to have.
But I didn't care. I found what I came for. Success! At least, success quickly turned into pain as the entire wall of drawers fell directly on top of me. A full hour later, my girlfriend, her parents, and paramedics were all helping me get out from under the rubble. Which was mostly made up of her dad's tidy whities. Once I got out, I tried to break the awkwardness by telling my girlfriend's dad that he has way too many pairs of underwear. But not surprisingly, he didn't laugh. So I didn't get laid and I didn't get my clothes back. Talk about the walk of shame.
Dating. It's complicated. Very complicated. |
dropout | i_didn_t_eat_bread_once_so_now_i_ll_look_like_gisele | It'll be like this flowy silk thing and when I fold out like this it'll look like I have wings and stuff. Hey guys, can I have everyone's attention for a second? I mean, I was just describing my dream cape, but sure, whatever. Thank you. I just wanted to prepare you guys for some physical changes that I'll be going through in the near future.
This weekend I was at a restaurant and I didn't eat the bread.
Holy shit. What? So, needless to say, I'm going to have Giselle's body like any day or minute now. Oh my god. Wow. Congratulations.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I was in the bathroom and I heard gasps.
What did I miss? Cassia didn't eat the bread one time.
So you're going to have Giselle's body like any minute now? Yeah.
Oh!
It's so cool. Wait, tell us the whole story. Like, we got to hear every detail about this not eating the bread one time miracle.
I mean, where were you? So I was having dinner at Jane's Not So Lean's Italian Cuisine.
I love that place. Oh, there's the Ascepter Lean. Great bathrooms.
Okay. Shut up. Who were you with? No one. What? Tutsul. So that makes it all the more enticing to eat the bread because you have to kill the lonely. Okay.
When you came to your table, you just didn't eat it. Well, fuck! This is incredible! I cannot wrap my mind around this not eating the bread one time thing.
Are you trying right now? I'm trying.
Nope. I just can't do it. I cannot believe it. I have no idea.
What did you eat? Ooh. I ordered spaghetti bolognese, extra niez, and that was another thing. They forgot the extra niez at first, so I had to send it back. Well, the fuck. That was another full 15 minutes of me not eating the bread.
No. My Giselle body hasn't popped on yet, but I'm sure it will any minute now. Of course. Cassia, you not eating the bread that one time is more heroic than our soldiers. Well, I don't know. Cassia, this package came for you. Oh, thank you.
Oh! Bread! Yeah! I ordered a bunch of stuff off Amazon when I realized I would have Giselle's body any second now. Plus, I love the fact that she's like from the Amazon. Yes!
So this is all I'll wear now. It's like a bikini storyline. Got it? Flaunt it. Mm-hmm. This is where I'll work now. Oh, cool. That's really cool.
And of course, I love the Patriots now. Oh, football too.
Yeah. Or shall I say, like, to practice Brazilian before I can use it. Cassia, are you saying you think you're going to become Giselle? It was warm bread and a whipped honey butter that I forewent. Then that's it? You're going to become Giselle? Yeah. And she will become me and get this body. Actually, in that case, do you mind if I, um, I'm just going to, uh, is that it?
For Tom Brady. Yeah. I want to fuck Tom Brady.
Hey, I'm Cassia from College Humor. To subscribe, click here. And to see more fun stuff, click here.
Now, can I get my fucking chocolate latte? No, it's a hot chocolate with extra foam. Idiot. Don't forget to click. I'm kidding. I drink. |
dropout | pray_the_gay_away | Hello everyone, how are you? Are you good? Are you driving? Are you doing laundry? Are you ignoring friends, family, your boss?
Thank you for joining us. Today, on a very special episode of Tales from the Closet, I'm joined by three friends and too many candles. For those of you listening to this podcast in its audio format, know that there's also a video. And you can watch me struggle to hold 10 fake candles and one real lighter that I'll probably get in trouble for lighting indoors.
Let's kick things off, shall we? You guys want to jump right into it? Who are you? What do you like to do? What did you listen to on the way in today? Let's start with you, Ella.
My name's Ella Baker. I'm an educational psychology doctoral student and an administrator. I listened to my breathing on the way here because I was late and freaking out. Great. My name is Ashley Holston.
I am a comedian mostly. What do I like to do? I like to roller skate. I've been doing it a lot lately, and I found my passion. And then the other thing, what was I listening to? Episodes of this podcast, so I knew what to expect. I do research.
Were you also breathing? No, not the whole way here. I was too nervous to breathe.
I understand. It was a miracle I made it. Hey, I'm Giovanni Lanayo, and I do improv and sketch and all kinds of comedy. My pronouns are she and her.
I was in a lift, and so I didn't want to play music. But I was thinking about that Hall & Oates song. Maybe I can't sing it because of the.
I think you get like five seconds of it. What's the five second clip where we could get it?
What I got to do. Oh, stop, stop, stop. Oh, great. Yeah, I hate that.
I always want to listen to my own music, but I feel very bad being in an Uber and putting in headphones that feels like rude. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't think anything of it, but I forgot my headphones. I wouldn't feel rude because they don't want to talk. I don't want to talk. No, I was going to say, as someone who's driven Uber, leave us alone.
Really? We don't want to talk. Really?
You don't want me to get in and be like, how's your day? Not unless we're really, you know, there's a chemistry sometimes. But for the most part, it's like, let's just sit and get to where we got to go. You don't want to do emotional labor for people.
Yeah. I've had a day. And you're like. Also, I just want to backtrack because Giovanni did it. Pronouns. Yes, right.
She her. Ooh, they them, honey. You know me.
Great. Well, let's see. I say we just hop right into it.
This podcast, I feel, I made this podcast for people who are in the closet, who are out of the closet, who are closet adjacent, which I'm not quite sure what that equates to. But yeah, we usually at the top kind of go over like little coming out stories or just like little snippets of what it felt like to be in the closet at one point and to now be out. Anyone who wants to kick us off? I came out last Father's Day.
No way. Way. Point of contention.
As a transgender lesbian woman, I knew all my life who I was. Grew up Evangelical, so pushed that down real far. And then I went to church with my family and then I go to a really queer church and the priest gave like a sermon on like King David being super gay and like affirming your family and standing into your own. Then I went to a Dodger game with the family and hated it the whole time.
Oh my God. So I'm just sitting there like having this conviction rolling through my head, right? And like kind of feeling like a fraud around my family. Yeah. And my wife at the time. And then I think it just got so much to the point where I felt like I was gonna explode of like nervousness and anxiety. Oh my God, yeah. That when we got back home, I just kind of like threw up, like coming out on everybody. I was like, oh, and I'm trans and I like women and like I've thought this forever. And it was so much all at once that like I don't think anyone knew how to process it.
Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. Totally. I feel like when you're kind of breaking off and changing and finding yourself, it feels like a really small, like you're only diverging a little bit, but over time, those two, you realize like, wow, there is a valley between who I really am and what my family thinks I am. Or like the person I've had to perform as for 30 years. Such a performance, performing at a Dodgers game. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like my healthy, like hat on, just like trying to be as boy as I can be, like not giving a shit about this three hour fucking game. Oh my God, yeah, totally. Oh, that's great. I came out on Mother's Day. Oh my God.
Last year. It's the year over here. I know, like she, what a present.
And it wasn't really, so I had broken up with my boyfriend of eight years. And my mom lives in Virginia and I was at church for some reason on Mother's Day. And she realized that he wasn't with me. And she was like, well, what's going on? Did you guys break up? And I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah, that happened. Yeah, we broke up.
She was like, well, do you still like boys? Backstory, my mom has asked me if I was gay since middle school, maybe once a year. And I was just like, why does she ask?
And I didn't, I didn't know. I'm bi, I didn't know.
It's like, I like guys, girls are cute too. Whatever, but. Was it in like a like, are you like happy or was it like, are you? It was like, it was like, are you gay? Do you have something to tell me? So I didn't really read the tone other than like, she wanted to know something. It didn't feel negative. But after she asked me if I still like boys and I was like, yeah, easy question. I do. And she's like, well, do you like girls?
I was like, yeah, mom, I do. And she's like, okay, I'm gonna go have a drink. Really? Which is because my sister came out maybe five years ago and my sister always told me, you're gonna kill mom if you come out. I'm like, oh my gosh. She's joking.
Yeah, yeah. Is it two kids total? Three. Three, oh wow. Oh wow. Yeah.
So it's only a matter of time. We'll see, we'll see.
My brother and I are both gay. And it was the same thing. Very like Christian parents. Did he come out first or did you come out first? Yeah, my mom called me and was like, I think your brother might be gay. And I was like, I think I might be too.
And she was like, what? Tell me. Yeah, exactly. I was like, you get no time to breathe and I am sorry.
That's really great that you can just hop on that. Yeah, I honestly, through his labor, thank God, I was able to be like, me too? Yeah, that's the best part.
And it's my younger sister. She's paved the way for me so many times. It's my younger brother too.
We're both just like, hmm. You do it. We'll get to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm pansexual. And I remember being like 10. And my sister's older. She's like five years older. So she would have been in junior high. And she and her friends were talking about a boy that they knew who was bi.
And I had never heard that word before. And I was like, I interrupted. And I was like, what does that mean? What are you guys saying? What does that mean? And they were like, it means you like boys and girls. And I was like, ugh. Like the fact that there was a word for it like blew my mind. And I was like, as I had known since I was five. I was like, I don't know what that means.
I'm not going to worry about it. But I know that's a thing.
There are boys I think are cute. There are girls that I think are cute.
So there was bi. And then I started dating trans and non-binary people in my 20s. And then somewhere, subsequently, I heard the word pansexual. And I was like, oh, OK, cool, great. And it just evolves. You're continued understanding of yourself and what you want. Coming out was interesting.
I had been talking about, I was doing stand up for a long time. And I had jokes that revolved around the girl that I was seeing at the time. And I was comfortable with that. I've slowly been coming out throughout high school and college and all the time, but not to my family. And I had my first big gig in LA. I was headlining at the comedy store. And so everybody came, all my cousins and my aunts and uncles and my mom. And I was looking at my set list before going on stage. And I was like, oh, my god, this is me coming out if I do these jokes.
And I was like, I'm not ready. No, maybe if I call my mom right now, because I was like, she'll be mad if this is how she finds out. And so I was like, maybe I'll just call her right now and come out. And then she'll be prepped.
I was like, no, that's so weird. I can't do that. And so I was like, I just won't do the jokes. I just won't do any of the jokes.
And so I'm like, out there doing the set, crushing. It's going so well. I'm like, ugh, this is how it ramps up. These are good jokes. And so I was like, oh, man.
So all my family's on this part of the audience that I just turned to this part of the audience and just did all the jokes and just tried not to look at them. And then after the show, they're like, my mom left.
But the rest of the family was just like, good job. Good job.
And then me and my mom talked about it later, like a year later. A year later. And then we had more conversations about that later.
Totally. Yeah, I was like, I did not know I was going to come out to my family that night. And that's just how it happened. The fully through jokes. If I was in your family watching you just like turn to me, I'd be like, OK. This is intentional. That's so interesting to backtrack a little bit.
But there was a guy who was bi that everyone was talking about. I feel like I didn't hear of bisexual, masculine people until like way later. It was like all bi females in media was like.
Definitely. Britney Spears is kissing someone again, you know. It's like.
Similarly, I didn't know black people could be gay. Wow. Until I was much older, because I had never seen any. That's it. Then I found out they could at Disney World, is where I found out. No way. My family did a family vacation, and we didn't realize it was like gay pride at Disney or something.
And it was like everyone wearing like purple shirts. And my dad's like, what's up with all these purple shirts? And it was just like their color.
And I finally saw black men who were gay. And I was just like, oh, that's something. Oh my god. Of all places. I had the exact same experience. My first moment of realizing I was gay is I was in Brownies, which is like the Girl Scout intro. We go to Disneyland, and it was on gay day. Wow. And so I was like in line for like, what's that log one that goes into the water?
Splash Mountain.
In front, and two women were in front of me, and they were like kissing, and like, mm, mm, mm. And I was like, why are these two moms kissing? I just felt like, well, sometimes moms do that.
And I like went home and was just like, oh my god. That was it. And then I pressed that down for a very long time. Oh, totally.
I didn't know that you could be a trans lesbian for so long that like kept me trying to be bi or straight for so long. And guys, I gave it a shot, but it's not working for me.
Well, yeah, that's really interesting because it's like there's so much to sexuality. It's like who you are bringing to the experience and who you want. And people focus so much on like, well, you are defined by who you want.
Absolutely. Well, great.
Today, each episode, we kind of have like a haunted word. I'm sure you guys have all noticed we're in the back of this spooky discount store. And so our word today, it's really more of a phrase.
It's pray the gay away. It really did just start raining so everyone knows outside. Pray the gay away.
Who has heard it? Who has tried it? I've heard of it.
I did not try it. You didn't try it? No.
I was lucky to, or I don't know if it's lucky, but I didn't really like accept that I liked women until very recently. And when I realized it, I was like, okay, that's okay. Like I was at a point in my religion where I was, I could accept that. Yes, totally. But I think I said maybe didn't think of it for a while because of my own. Oh, so maybe it's more subconscious.
You were just like, that is not an option. Yeah, but you didn't have like fraught listening to music while on long walks. No. Okay, interesting. That's just you.
Me? What? I did try.
I grew up in church and stayed in church through into adulthood. And when I would get asked to be in leadership positions like within the music department, I was like asked to lead the children's music or asked to move up to being one of the backing vocals on a microphone, things like that.
And I was actually upfront about like, I am bi just so you guys know, I don't want that to come out some other way, some other time. I want to be in control of that information. And the being bi in church was like, okay, well you're bi, marry a man, don't act on the woman part. And just as long as you don't just don't talk about it and don't do anything with that.
And then that's fine. Okay, go, here's your microphone. You're like half safe.
So I tried to just, I just tried to suppress that part and just like, just lean into like finding the perfect husband and like just try to go that route and then I would be okay. And then, and I really, I really thought that that would be fine. That I could just, I just wouldn't act on it. And that that was like, yeah, that's a great, that's great advice. So, but yeah, over however many years, it was like, oh, this isn't gonna work at all. Oh, totally, yeah, I similarly was like, oh, I have this. I kind of thought like everybody was gay and like everyone was dealing with that and everyone had just like figured out how to get that on lock. And it was just me who was like spiraling. And same thing, and like a weird, the advice for people who were gay, which I was never bold enough to like come out and say it until like in my 20s. So I was just kind of like when someone, when the topic would come up, I would just be like, like listening as like, I'm just listening.
You're not talking to me, you know? But it was like, oh, just be celibate. Oh, if you're gay, it's okay. Like, that's fine. You just have to never hold a hand.
And that's the answer. And I was just like, cool. So that's the answer.
Like, that's crushing, that's a nightmare. Like, that can't be for me.
And so yeah, I just pushed it. Yeah, I prayed so hard. I was like groomed to be a pastor in a really conservative evangelical church. So I knew all like the seven verses that get thrown at us all the time. And I had tried so hard for like God to take away my trans gayness and she didn't. I love you.
I then like thought, hey, maybe I'll try a different religion that'll take away all of this trans gayness. So I was like, oh, I'll try Buddhism because that's like about not having an ego. So maybe I'll just disappear and then like just be a being with no gender or sexuality apparently.
And that didn't work. I didn't achieve enlightenment or anything like that.
And it came to a point where I just was sitting in church again and then having that whole narrative sort of flipped and being one of empowerment and not one of disempowerment. Yeah, just gave me the ability to stop trying and stop performing. Totally, yeah. Yeah, that's really beautiful I think, you know? Like I remember, because at first when I, I feel like I've been hurt so bad by spending so many years of like desperately trying to change who I am. And honestly giving like 100% of my energy to this like one cause, like also very evangelical church. And like that was my full life.
But then like somewhere in the back of my head knowing like, these people don't accept me and they won't, they absolutely won't. It was like a bottom line. So then when I came out, I was like, oh, well I have to scrap all of that and like actually like hate all of that. Like they don't like me, well, I don't like them.
And I'm just now coming to a point of like more peace of like, there was some beautiful stuff in that. And yeah, we went and we like built buildings and we hung out with people who needed help. Like there's some humanitarian stuff in there that's nice.
But I do also understand when people are like, fuck the church, fuck God, fuck, you know? And it's like, you need that time to be angry.
Totally. You know, like that was hard. Absolutely, yeah. I mean like having to feel like I had to be the complete opposite of myself and come up with this like really aggressive male persona who like ran around selling drugs and like trying to hang out with gangsters and just being like as aggressive as I possibly can. And now it's just laughable. Like who the fuck is that, right? Like that's not a person. Totally, oh totally.
Yeah, so what was your process like from coming out on Father's Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day? Oh my God. Shit, that's amazing. Sorry dad. It's been good. I mean like you can lose your whole birth family and your marriage and your job and just being who you are is so worth it. Wow. And you can have so much joy and happiness.
Yeah. It is funny that they came to a point with like my birth family where they were trying to compromise with my identity so much. And it was like one of my parents had said to me before they stopped talking, can't you just be metrosexual? It's like oh, so many levels of no to that. Oh gosh, yeah. Full like parent talk, you know? Yeah.
My mom, because I've talked to her, I'm still kind of figuring out like, do I want to try hormones? Right now my plan is like, I think I'll try top surgery. See how I feel after that and go from there.
And my mom like tries, you know, but she still accidentally will say like horrible things. She's just like, I don't know, hormones sound dangerous.
And I'm like, interesting. You know, I'm just like, well, you're so well meaning but I'm like, I am the one living in my body 24 seven and you are not. You're living in your garden where you like spend all your time. She recently told me that she watches this podcast. So I'm on Crystal, I hope you're having a great day. Yeah, what about you guys?
What's the parent sitch like? My mom is, I think, because I'm across the country, it's not too much to deal with. Because when I talk to her, we don't talk about who I'm dating or anything.
But every now and then she'll reaffirm if I am actually still liking women. And I am. So she moves on quickly. Do you think she's like testing to see, like, oh, is this a phase? She's really, because I know with my sister, the thing is she like would confide in me about how she felt about my sister and just like hoping it was a phase. And so I know.
Oh my gosh, you have like all the cheats. You have all the answers for what's coming on the test. Exactly.
So yeah, she's, I'm hoping, I know she's hoping that I like find a man and marry him. But I also know that she accepts my sister and her wife. Oh wow, your sister's married. Oh, beautiful. I'm telling you, she really laid down some groundwork for me, really. Yeah, they got married at the Justice of the Peace and my entire family went and was really supportive.
And my sister also never came out so I never felt like I had to came out.
Like she just showed up with her girlfriend. Oh, wow. And like, we're like, Brooke's friend stays around a lot. Wow, it was the friend, right? Yeah, yeah. And then she was like, nah, she's my girl. Just like chill, just like that. Yeah, she, my sister is very bold.
That's all you're gonna get. So I similarly am just like, you'll accept it. You'll deal.
And then my dad, he's just a really good man. Yeah, he loves me regardless. And it's just like, I just want you to be happy, baby. Oh, that's great. I'm lucky. That's sweet. Yeah, that's really sweet. My parents are fully on board.
That, it didn't necessarily happen right away and I do feel aware that like, my mom will, might see this. And she, it was hard to talk about initially. And I remember like, it was something I felt like we couldn't talk about for a while. Because it just seemed, it seemed very hard.
And then out of nowhere, she was like, how is Nicole? Who was somebody I had dated maybe five years prior. And very briefly, but that was like the first person that she was aware of, the first woman that she was aware of that I was dating. And I was so touched. I was so overwhelmed that she would ask. Because it was like, it was a huge step that she would inquire about that. And now, like my partner who's non-binary, like we will stay at my mom's house when we're in town.
And it's not a thing at all. It's not an issue at all.
I called my dad the next morning after I had come out to my family, which was a surprise to me. Also, I called my dad the next morning because I didn't want him to find out from someone else.
And I was like, I don't know. And he was like, I knew that. And I was like, really? You did? Everyone's so surprised. He was like, no, no. When you were in high school, you and that person. It was like the person I was hanging out with a lot at the time. And I was like, wow, you nailed it. Nailed it.
He never said anything. But he was very comfortable with it.
And yeah, my stepmom saying everybody's real trusty. My stepmom saying everybody's real chill.
I'm, in this moment, cautious about bringing my partner to larger family events because that's not something that I've ventured into yet. And for me, personally, I'm very comfortable. It's like, if you don't want to accept this, then that's fine. I'm happy. I'm going to pursue happiness as a person that I love. But I have more aware in my big family that there are baby queers coming up. And so now, it's important that I, because I'm the first out person in the family, that I don't make it hard for them.
And I feel a certain amount of pressure that what I do, they will see and go, OK, I can never bring somebody home. This went really badly for Giovanni. Ooh, interesting. And I don't want them to feel that way. And I feel like this is a formative time for a lot of the younger kids in the family. And they're figuring things out about themselves. And I don't want them to feel scared because I was too brazen, because I'm super comfortable, because not everybody is as comfortable as I am. So you're afraid maybe you'd be too bold. And then the reaction that you would get would be like scarring for someone. Yes, that might keep them from coming out.
So I know that they see me on Instagram, and I'm happy, and I'm having a great life. And that's good. And I feel like I could blow that out of the water if they see everybody turn on me.
Which I don't know if that would happen. I don't know.
But now, I feel like I have to be careful. And I can't make decisions just for myself, which is weird. But the perfection that we put on ourselves, like that pressure of perfection of like, I have to do this perfect because it's all riding on me, I feel like has to be not OK, right? That's way too hard.
I remember my uncle would always come to events with his roommate. And now, looking back, I'm like, could someone just had said boyfriend? Both my brother and I were flaming gay, just sitting right there like, god, it would have been nice not to have his roommate who rubs his feet. Please, someone decode it. Just one step forward would have maybe saved me like 10 years of being in the closet.
Yeah, we talk a lot, I feel like on this podcast, about the generation coming up and how positive it seems. Just gender fluidity, sexual fluidity, everyone being so much more open. And that's so fun.
But it is still kind of like, well, the dinosaurs are still here. They still roam the earth.
What's going on? Yeah, I think that comet's coming though.
I taught in an evangelical prep school. And when I left for coming out, I had tons and tons of queer kids, both out of the closet, alumni who had recently graduated, kids who were still in the closet reach out.
Just having that person, whether it's your family, your workplace, that people can look to and realize that, hey, I don't have to be a secret. It's so affirming and valuable. Absolutely, yeah, I don't have to be a secret. Wow, nothing that needs to be secret.
Yes, exactly. And what do you do now? I work in education, so I'm working in educational programming for nonprofit charters in California, and I'm an Ed Psych doctoral student.
Oh, that's so great. I feel like my favorite part of this show, to be quite honest, is the questions. So should we just move on to the questions? OK, good. We've got some good ones today.
For those of you listening and watching, please feel free to submit some user questions. If you have any questions for us in the panel, we have an anonymous survey. And it's anonymous for people who are in the closet and want to ask a question but not have their name on there. But you don't have to be anonymous, so feel free to put in your name, your age.
That's it. Your pronouns. We would love to hear from you. OK, first question.
What are some really positive experiences that helped you come out more easily? I'm very sure, maybe less than a month after coming out to my mom went to Dinah. Dinah Shore? Actually, I think I might have done the week after. Yeah, Dinah was my first. Dinah was my first, like, OK, you like women, and you're going to go to this event where other women like women, and it's OK. Wow. Dinah Shore is a lesbian weekend in Palm Springs where lesbians party the whole time.
If you're in the closet, you haven't heard of it. Yeah, if you haven't watched the L word, you didn't know what this was yet.
It's not what I expected, but I did feel very much OK. I was around my people, and I was free to be me.
Is that a slogan already? Because if not, pay me.
It's kind of like going to a parade, but then more distilled. It's like, actually, this is just for the ladies. Yeah, exactly. Cool. That's really fun. They're really reaching for positive experiences. Yeah, that help you come out. Yeah, exactly.
I'm like, all the positive experiences were after I came out. I mean, for me, just seeing any trans woman thriving helped me a lot, because growing up, the image was, oh, that's a life for people who have no future, right?
You're totally de-socialized. You don't have family. You can't get work.
And just being in California, where there are more protections and the culture is different, in the past two decades, there's been so much movement and growth. It's been fantastic. For the past five years, you just see this avalanche of thriving trans people, which is fantastic.
Yes, like in the media and in real life. Yeah, totally. I completely agree. There's a little bit of jealousy, too, with younger queer kids, when you look at them and you're like, man, you have such a good, easy life ahead of you. Oh, totally.
Yeah, especially when it comes to transitioning. They're like, and you can cut out all of this stuff by transitioning young.
And you're like, great, OK. Yeah, good for you. That's not for me, so let's get to the heavily invasive procedure I'm going to go through. Exactly.
I can't think of many from before I came out. I feel like growing up, I'm half black, half Filipino. And aside from my sister, I didn't know anybody who was like that in Puyallup, Washington. Everybody was white. I was aware by proxy of a boy who was by somewhere in the world that my sister was associated with. And nobody in my family, I have one aunt who dances and does art, but nobody was in the arts except for me.
So I feel like most of the things I chose in my life, I felt like I was doing by myself. And so I don't remember meeting a mixed woman until I was 17. I don't remember encountering many queer people at all. I can't think of one from my adolescence. It probably happened. But I don't know. I always felt like, whatever I'm doing, I'm doing it alone. So I don't remember stuff from before that.
But afterward, after coming out, I feel like there were a lot more people who were coming near me who were queer. Not right away, because I feel like when I was first coming out in my 20s, there was a lot of bi stigma. And there still is. But it took a while to find that queer family. But once I was out there, then people knew, OK, this is a person who is family with us. And then even taking more steps, fully filling out my identity as a queer person, all of those things were easier once I had that community. Totally.
I think what you said with everything I was doing I was doing alone is so interesting, because the nature of being in the closet is you think you're alone. But there are closets everywhere. It's just the isolation that you've put on yourself. So honestly, I think the only positive experiences would involve those glimpses of, oh, there are a lot of other people in the closet. And I could come out one day. But I do say the positive experiences I've had were any of my wildest dreams when I was in the closet, I've now fully lived.
That's the fun part, it's like, oh, baby, it ramps up. Yeah. Get ready. OK, great. Next question.
I am a 23-year-old cis woman, and I identify as bisexual. I've never had a real kiss, been out on a date, or had sex in any way. Internally, I struggle with coming out, because I feel like my lack of experience invalidates how I identify. Is it silly for me to wait to come out until I have had experience dating and hooking up with people of any gender, or am I overthinking everything?
That is me. Really? Once I realized that I liked women my whole life, I was like, well, I feel like a fraud saying that I'm queer, because I haven't done anything yet. I felt like Ali and I, we're on that team queer world, an improv team. And that was kind of coming out for me. Really? Yeah.
And I felt like a fraud there, just because I was like, I'm not in it. I'm not doing the things.
But that's not what makes you bi. Absolutely. And I don't feel more bi now, because I've gone out on dates, or because I'm hooked up with women. It's just like, I feel more experienced. But yeah, don't overthink it, I'd say. Yeah, I would say the same thing. You are who you are.
Yeah, I also came out to my mom before having ever kissed anyone. And I was just like, I know that I'm gay. Also weird that I was coming out to my mom first. I just was like, gauntlet, go for the top scariest person to come out to.
But yeah, it was like, I want to say two and a half years after coming out before I actually had my first experience with someone. And those two and a half years were just like, oh my god.
What do you do?
Yeah, the weirdest dates. I feel like my first date, oh baby, look at that. I went on a date with like, seriously the coolest woman ever. It was like a soccer coach, it was like really cool.
It was like, let's go watch a movie at the cemetery. They're doing like a screening.
And I immediately sat in the hummus. It was dark out. We brought a picnic. I sat in the hummus.
Too embarrassed to say anything. I'm using the blanket to wipe the hummus off of my ass next to her. The whole time being like, are we going to touch? I think our elbows just touched like, this is too much for me. Well, you can't touch with the hummus, but. I was just hoping it wouldn't come into play.
Just went like, truly the whole, it was also one of those fucking things where she was like, it's a surprise. So I like dressed up, which is hilarious to think about now, in a hot outfit, which has since been donated. And it was just truly so femme, but with a collared shirt. And then, yeah, there's hummus everywhere.
And she didn't know. I kept it a secret the whole night, because it was dark. And then I sat in her car. And then I got out, and then we never talked about it.
Leaving a hummus ass print on the seat. I really hope it was dry by that point. It was just some hummus flakes is really the most that I can hope for. Jeez.
Just saying the anxiety is real. Truly. My first date, I got blackout drunk. Just immediately. We had like a good two or three hours. And then the last thing I remember is my date saying, we'll have two more. And then I was just so nervous.
And you know how you drink just to do something? I should have had water. Yes, exactly. That's a fun trick. I do soda water with bitters in it, because then it's a pretty color. And it looks like you're, to your own mind, you're like, ah, another drink, and not like water. You're like, ah, yes. And then you flip-flop those.
I have had a lot of experience blacking out as well, so. Yeah, it can be really scary. Trying to date or come out later in life. I had a long break where I stopped having queer sex because I felt so self-conscious about being bad at it.
Because I like, your girl can suck a dick. I can suck a dick.
I am perfecting. You're like, I'm going to play to my strengths for a while. I need to get my ego back up. It was nice to just be good at such a just go and knowing what you're doing.
And then to be having queer sex and just be floundering. And then to just feel so judged and I've wasted someone's time. And there's already this fraudulent feeling of where people are like, are you really queer? You're bi, you're probably like, man.
And then to just see it on their faces oh, you shouldn't even be here. And I was so scared of just that face that I was too scared to engage anymore. And then it was like, I am never going to get better by not doing it.
So it's just going to suck. It's just going to suck for a while.
And that's just something I have to deal with so that I can live the life that I want to live and get to a place where I feel comfortable and confident. And so it was just a matter. I don't know if this is good advice, but just fuck up for a while. That's good life advice, not just queer advice. You're not going to be great at anything when you first start. I mean, you could be, but it takes some time.
And it's also like with any sex, it's communicative. I feel like if you're hooking up with people who make you feel like you're wasting their time, yeah, next, like absolutely not, like nightmare. But it is interesting that we all feel like we came out late, quote unquote.
Like, I don't, there's no late. Honey, wake up, knock knock, there's no late.
Let's see, anything else on this? All right, moving on. Hi, Allie and guests. This question revolves, hi.
This question revolves around queer connections. I'm out, but I still find it difficult to talk to other queer people. I often can't tell if they're interested in being friends or if they're interested in me romantically. As a result, I get in my head over every little conversation with boys that I might like. Would love any advice, thanks, BW, he slash him. Queer connections are so beautiful and important and wonderful. Yeah, finding those friends can be hard.
I usually try to make my intentions really clear. Up top, I mean, I'll choose a lot of wording that's like, oh man, you are so fun. I'll be up front, I'm just like, I am looking for more queer friends. It would be so cool to get a group of us together to go dance, or are you into crafts? Akbar has a craft night. It would be so fun to get some friends together so that I'm not wondering or misleading anybody into thinking that the relationship I'm pursuing is anything other than what it is. I have actually made a lot of friends through Tinder. Oftentimes it starts as a date, and then I'm clear by the end of it what I think of moving forward. And I don't feel like people are upset by that. I feel like even if there's an attraction there on their end, they appreciate knowing where you stand. Yeah, being very vocal and clear in that way.
Yeah, so the question's about finding... Yeah, kind of just that awkward feeling of when you're like, is this romantic, is this not? I think that also comes from there being so much of my life, no one was an option, you know? And now all of a sudden, anyone could be an option, and everyone I meet, I'm like, are we gonna fall in love?
And doing that, like, dance where you're like, hmm. Yeah, does Akbar really have a craft night? Sorry, I've been... Yeah, I mean, at least they used to. That's so cool. It was on Tuesdays. I don't know if they still do it.
Oh, God, I love queer culture. Yeah, what about you guys? How do you fish that? I am currently in Will They Won't They? Ooh! So I'm gonna take your advice.
I met this girl, Roller Skating, and she was there on queer night, and I invited her to skate one day later and she brought her friend, and I was like, oh, maybe this is not a thing, I don't know. But then afterwards, she seemed like she was lingering around for something, so I don't know, maybe I just need to be a little more clear. Yeah, it's true. If you're really going after all the subtlety things, it's a nightmare. I say you can just cut that out. I don't know that I can, because I realize that she might see this now, and I start sweating. It's like, I don't know. You have, I would say, maybe two to three weeks to get this taken care of before...
Is it hot in here? You just throw up, we're like, actually, are you okay? I'm okay, continue, keep it going.
Yeah, I have made a lot of friends through Tinder, too. And for a while, my bio said looking for friends, and then I feel like that also, some people saw that and were like, oh, okay. Oh, yeah, and it was like... That was me, for sure, friends. Sure, friends, okay. But then, yeah, I feel like once you hang out, once you hang out with the person, you can kind of get a gauge of like, okay, this is going one of two ways. Totally. Do you feel like if you say you're looking for dates, it puts too much pressure on making a connection? That's interesting. A pro tip, on OKCupid, I said I was looking for queer friends, went out for a friendly date, and now she's my girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm just here looking for queer friends that I want to get married to. I think that there's a way to talk about it. Like, if it's somebody that you're genuinely interested in, I feel like there's a way of saying, I really like hanging out with you. If this ends up being something, I think that would be something I would want to explore. But if we ended up being friends, that'd be okay too.
But I'd like you. Can you come with me? Just say what you're saying. You're just holding hands with a friendly girl. I really like you. Did you say a game of me?
Yeah. I need some of that. It is hard.
I definitely remember when I was first going out and meeting people, it was just like I was going on dates with people that were absolutely not my type. I was not their type. It was just so thrilling to have a date.
Yeah. Amen. And I was just like, wow, this is crazy. What?
Your sister studies what? It was just something like the most wild conversations about their sister's major maybe changing.
And I'm like, it's been three hours. But I don't care.
I'm on a date, you know? So I feel like that slowly refines until you are going out with people where you're like, okay, let's get married.
Okay, great. Next question.
I am bisexual and just became a worship leader at a church at the college I've started at. It's the only group that's made me feel at home since I got to college. I've wanted to come out for a while, but I'm afraid that coming out will cost me my place as a leader and the only group I feel supported by. Is there a way to minimize the damage coming out may do? I want to help other queer Christians, but I'm not sure how.
That's so hard. That's so hard because, you know, there's no way of knowing how they will respond.
And like college is terrifying when you're away and you've like finally found a group that you feel supported by and like a community that you like being in. And I feel like Christian culture is very unpredictable in terms of what they'll do. And I think that if you're committed to coming out, and I can't speak to anybody's timeline of what's right for them, but anytime you're coming out to anyone to know that that's a relationship that you might lose and that that's their loss and that you will never, you'll never, you don't have to be alone losing those people if they don't choose to embrace you, which would suck. If they don't choose to embrace you that that's not the last group of people that you'll have a connection with. That's not the last family that you're gonna have.
And it's terrifying. It's so scary. It's so scary and I wish I could say like, they're gonna embrace you for sure.
But like, we don't know, we never know whoever we're coming out to, even like the people that we've known our whole lives, like we never know how people are gonna respond, but we always have to remember that like there are always gonna be people who will love you and who will accept you and who will embrace you for everything that you are. Yeah, totally. And it's not worth compromising yourself and your identity to gain like a super conditional acceptance from people. Like that's the lesson from the past 30 years of my life in like really evangelical spaces is that this acceptance is conditional and it's performance-based. And if you're a person of faith, there are so many communities and people who share your language and faith who are gonna affirm and love you for who you are. Totally, yeah.
And having gone to a Christian college, you as well, it's like, I wish, I know this exact anxiety that they're talking about of like, wow, will the whole school know? Like I went to a small school where if someone came out, everyone knew about it. They were moved to like a solo dorm. That was like the school's answer, like a literal isolation dorm.
And I just wish I had come out earlier because then I probably would have woken up and made some decisions. Like it's not the end of the world to switch schools. What if I had gotten to do a final two or even my final year at like a very open school where I could have flourished? Wow, that would have been great, you know?
But yeah, I love, move away from any sort of conditional love. Oh great, all right, final question.
Have you ever befriended someone later to learn that they had beliefs that you strongly disagree with? I've been friends with someone for a few months and I just learned that they're very religious against abortion and believe all gays go to hell. It's made me really uncomfortable and I'm unsure how to handle it. He's also trying to convert me, some context. He's 17, homeschooled, all of his friends he has met from church and has no desire to go to college. Maybe I should have remained his friend to help diversify his thoughts.
That's some missionary work, wow. Yeah. Oh my God. It is. True.
Yeah, I think that's a lot of work to be someone's friend just to educate them. I don't wanna say don't be his friend but that's also what I wanna say. Yeah, I think so. I don't think you have to be someone's friend because you think you could teach them. That's a wild labor to put on yourself. Also, you're not gonna be a good friend if you're condescending and thinking that you're the one teaching them everything.
Yeah, yeah. Just from that angle too. True, yeah.
That's a lot of work. That sounds like a lot of work.
I get that though and it's just like I'm your only way of knowing this lifestyle though but it's still not your responsibility. If you want, I get it when you like especially if you've known somebody a really long time and you don't necessarily want to stop being friends with them even though they don't treat you great or the way that they think is not great but you don't have to suffer abuse from that person and their ideas if it's too much because just a part of me gets that. I might be the only person to change your mind and maybe I should stay in your life but you don't have to. You can definitely if you wanna be in that friendship and just stay cautious and continue to be aware of how it's affecting you and if it's at a place where it's not healthy for you then you don't have to be in that friendship anymore.
Yeah, I think so too. It sounds a little bit younger too maybe homeschooled, not really thinking about college so I do know myself included a lot of times you are just kind of like an extremity of your parents' religious beliefs. Especially we're talking about these kind of hot button issues of abortion and homosexuality which I feel like are such trigger points for very conservative families. I professed all that bullshit till I went to college. Yeah, yeah. People change or at least people have the freedom to unload some of that parental baggage. Totally, yeah.
So yeah, it does sound like it's really up to you if you would like to have this person as a friend do it but if the only reason is you're there to kind of show them the light, get out of there. Oh, but I feel like there is a conversation to have if you're leaving that relationship. It's an option to be like, hey, I love you. We've been friends for a long time. I care about you. This isn't a good friendship for me anymore. I can't be in this but if you want to be friends again in a different way and take it in, we can have these things change because people do change. It's so true. You want to give them room to change and yeah. Yeah, and just let them know why you can't be in that friendship anymore but that you care about them.
Then there's room for, I mean, I've had people come back around that surprised me so much that were like, I can't believe I said the things that I said to you. I can't believe how mean I was to you. And it's just like, I never expected that apology but I did express why the behavior wasn't acceptable to me and that's why I was leaving but I care about you but this is not okay.
Yeah, totally. You're allowed to say this isn't a fit for me. Wow, great. Well, let's hop right into plugs. We are gonna close out the show but where can people find you guys if they want to talk to you, should you wish to be found? I'm on Instagram and I just started a new webcomic called How to be Trans which is also on Instagram. Awesome, that's so cool. Oh, is the little handle gonna come up? Yeah. Okay, I am also on Instagram and I also have a monthly show at the inner sanctum of UCB. First Wednesdays of every month at 8.30 called Black Girl Magic, it's a party. Yeah, it's a great team. Yeah, Instagram is a great way to get a hold of me. I'm comfortable replying to people at Giovanni and I'm also to be found at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater on many nights doing musical improv and all kinds of comedy. So yeah, I feel ready to be approached if you have any questions about being mixed or being queer or dating or anything. Yes, oh great. Well, thank you so much for being on the show you guys and thank you so much for watching and listening.
Please drop us a line, say hi. We would love to hear from you.
Have a great week. Goodbye. Hey, what's up, it's Ali.
If you like College Humor and you wanna support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleaming. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
TheOnion | Do_Glass_Pipes_Incense_Prove_Teens_Are_Practicing_Shamanism | Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes, who is being hanged for high treason.
A new poll from the Shuttleworth Institute finds an increasing number of parents are reporting the appearance of esoteric posters, incense, and glass pipes among their teenagers' possessions. How can we keep our teens from turning to shamanism? Look, parents need to be able to recognize shamanic behavior in order to prevent it. Yes. If you walk into your teen's room and you see him sitting there in a cloud of smoke, his eyes all bloodshot, then you know that he is in a shaman's trance. The report listed classic warning signs that a teen may be slipping into shamanism, including playing loud, droning music to cover the sound of their chants, perfuming the rooms with incense to clear stagnant energies, and wearing charmed pendants, like we're seeing here. Right, and it's pretty easy to tell who the shamans are. They wear tie-dye t-shirts, they have long hair, they have a peculiar, musty scent.
Right. If it smells like a shaman, it is a shaman. That's right. Otherwise, you're going to get a call from the principal saying that your child has not been at school for three days, and you're going to have to face it, he's been spirit walking. That's right.
You're wandering the lonely places of the earth. Now, Duncan, in your new book, Communication, the Best Spell, you talk about how you caught your own 14-year-old son seething in a shamanic soul grip. Yes, yes, I walked into his room and he was playing an MF Doom record over an episode of Wheel of Fortune, and he was saying they were syncing up perfectly, and I thought to myself, well, these are the delusions of a shaman. And then I went back into his room and I found this, a glass wand.
Ugh. Damn. It smells terrible.
How did you deal with it, Duncan? Well, I tried to relate to him. I asked him, why do you think you need this wand? Couldn't you conjure up some passing grades instead? I would have grabbed him by the ear and told him, don't bother to explain, young man.
You were practicing Sather rune shamanism. That stuff is bad news. And I am taking away your moon phase ornaments and turning you over to the dream eaters. Look, I know personally that that kind of harsh punishment does not work. I took away my son Charlie Selenite moon crystals, but then he started doing his rituals with the toilet paper tube and a little bit of tin foil. He must have been chowing the id of a foolish gibbon. So I sent him to military school. Good for you. But there he became possessed by the trickster god, Coyote, who makes boys want to kiss other boys. Oh, Coyote is very stiff. I'm very sorry to hear that.
Nancy, I know you've been strongly anti-shaman since the 60s. Oh, yes. That's when a lot of my friends started going into shamanism. I'd go to parties and they'd all be sitting up there in a trance. Oh, that is exactly how shamans used to sound. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_children | Adults lose the ability to see Father Christmas, so if you want to know more about him, you have to ask small adults, which are known as children. Hello, who are you? I'm Archie, who are you? Philomena. Have you ever met Father Christmas? I have. Where did you meet him? I met him next to Westfield.
And what was he doing there? Was he shopping or something? I think, I'm not quite sure if Father Christmas is rich. Hmm, I don't think he is. How did he get all the presents in, like, lots of times? I think he just shoplifts. OK.
Do you think Father Christmas has ever met Batman? In my opinion, Batman's not real. It's just a man called Bruce. So you don't think they've met? I think Superman and Father Christmas have met.
Do you think that Father Christmas will still be allowed in the country after Brexit? Yeah, he'll still be allowed in the country. Will he? Yeah, because the police don't know when he's in the air.
How do they make chickens into turkeys? Turkey and chicken are two separate birds. Are you joking me? No.
How do you get the music into the words? How do you attach the music to the words in your throat? Well, you tend to attach the words to the music instead. You attach the words to the music as it's coming up through your throat.
So does it feel like... Where does the music come from? Does it feel like it's coming from your stomach? Like you're going to be sick, but it's like nice sick? Kind of, I guess. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_biden_meets_with_zelenskyy_in_ukraine_the_oscars_crisis_team_snl | This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Valensky, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then, on the one-year anniversary of the war in Ukraine, if Biden and Vladimir Putin gave speeches about the conflict, there was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. many Republicans are criticizing President Biden's decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with the toxic train derailment, but Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean. President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10-hour train ride from Poland. you know who else takes a long-ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker. China is trying to help end the war in Ukraine and proposed a 12-part plan for peace. the catch is, the 12 parts have to be assembled by children. Donald Trump visited East Palestine, the site of the recent train derailment, because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. the train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for Covid. Then, while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump-branded water, said residents thanks, but we'd rather drink the toxic train water. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots, But give him a break. that's all he had at Baby Gap.
Tucker Carlson, seen here at a Whites-only rave, has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6th Attack on the Capitol. who could watch all that with going insane, said psychiatrists about Tucker Carlson's show. Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene said the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she is the most divorce-looking woman I have ever seen. Florida Governor Ron Desantis is releasing a new memoir called The Courage To Be Free, even though The Courage To Be Free sounds like a black history book he's banned.
It was announced that the producers of this year's Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year's Will Smith's Slap. guys, it's not going to happen again. I'm sure you wish it would for ratings. if anything, the promos for the Oscars should be,: who's going to get slapped this year? Can Anna De Armas beat the tar out of Cate Blanchett? Which banshee will knock the shoes off?
Marcell the Shell? And who has what it takes to wail on Brendan Freeman? Thanks for watching! |
dropout | the_gps_prank | Oh boy.
What is so interesting about that phone?
Rough night last night, buddy. Recalculating route. Turn right onto what did you do to get her? What is that you say, Tim? Right on. It is my first day, can you tell? Did you buy that shirt in A, the 80s, B, the 80s, or C, the 80s? Turn right, babe on board. So really, what did you do to get her? See, I told you I'm not buggin', I told you I'm not buggin'. Did you get lucky last night? What?
If I had knees, they would go weak for your smile. Remember to buckle your seat belt. Life is precious, and so are you. Is this a walk of shame?
Did you just tweet? At least open the window if you tweet.
What is going, what's up with your thing, man? I wish I could be a polka dot on your shirt. Where did you get this from?
I can't believe we made a display computer. Don't go back to sleep, don't go back to sleep. How does it know that?
I want to hear an original song from your heart. Sing a note, and I'll have a nice with you.
GPA! Roll down your window and yell, I love dirty hipsters. You are great friends, but I can tell there is something in the air. I love dirty hipsters!
Do the worm. You guys look stupid doing that. That is what I am talking about. What? You have made my day.
This is actually a human being talking behind you in a car that is following you. We are following behind you and videotaping everything. Wave to us. |
dropout | Inspector_Gadget_s_Death_Sparks_Oscar_Buzz_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello, and welcome to Breaking News, the only news show where we don't know what we're about to say, and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm gonna lick, lick, lick you from head to your toes. And I'm inside out Candace Bergen. Ha!
Tonight's top stories, Lutherans. Do we need them? And if so, why?
Is he a buffalo? And if not, why is he always fucking acting like one?
Hmm, it really cracks your doink, doesn't it? Yes! Next, is your shower too wet? After I get my hands on it, it sure is. But my little uncomfortable joke aside, what's the actual truth? A study conducted at shit-ass university located in Mitch McConnell's distended ball sack, sitting in a jar of agar, agar, in a laboratory in Clearwater, Florida said that 90% of American consumers wish their showers could be a touch more arid so that my little balls don't get too clean.
I like them to be nice and salty because I am a tall husband. I'd hate to guzzle on that news too long. My throat would get clogged.
This year with a special in memoriam package dedicated to a fallen star, Inspector Gadget. The Oscars community was shocked at the loss of their book's beauty, their very own Lady Marmalade, their high and mighty sex kitten, and have dedicated the better portion of two hours to honoring his legacy with clip shows of his biggest, sexiest gadget goofs. Like the time when his gadget copter sprayed crusted pubic hair all over the cast and the crew. Or the time his gadget mobile sprayed crusted pubic hair all over the cast and the crew. Go go gadget.
That's offensive. In other news, things are looking up for the piss rag Matt Lauer uses to wipe his mouth after dinner. Sources claim the rag is set to pen a five book deal with Come Dumb House Publications.
Fuck, that's cool. Fuck, I could not be prouder of my dude. My fucking dude right here, fuck.
If you could shut up for just a second, God help me, we're receiving breaking news from the field with our breaking news correspondent, Clark Lick. Clark? Thanks, Inside. I'm Clark Lick and I've got the Inside Lick at what's going on here on the shore. First off, I'm at my wet's end trying to figure out where the splinter up my ass is.
That's interesting. And what is the scene exactly? Okay, I've decided I'll tell you. It appears the teens of Teen Beach, the beach made of teens has created a new handshake to indicate whether or not they're carrying or selling drugs. Interesting. And what's that shake? I'm glad you asked. I'm about to do it.
For selling drugs, it's I'm selling drugs. For buying drugs, it's to the left. Take it back now, y'all. One hop this time, one hop, one hop this time, one hop this time, one hop this time, one hop this time. Hands on your teeth, hands on your teeth, and then say, hey, you, hey, over here, I wanna buy drugs.
Very cool. And also, interesting. Yes.
And finally, we close on a New York Times opinion piece by a man who puts poop into his own ass. My mouth's full of juice for this. In order, here is his opinion on the types of poops you can stuff right up your cheeky hole. The juice is gonna get loose. Here are those poops. Presumptuous loads, shy wormies, baby deer pebs, spinach like a mama used to make, and the Cleveland Browns. Wow, this is making me hungry.
We'll close tonight by announcing that tonight's loser is our own Jeffree Sells. Oh no! Total chump. Good night. |
CrackerMilk | we_choke_him_for_your_entertainment_crackermilk_podcast | Activating oxygen. All you want is a dirty whore that you can transfer your terabytes. Talk it to the mic. I'm trying. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast and we are doing your suggestions that you have commented and we're going to do them and perform them today.
Isn't that right? That is correct. Hell yeah. Is your eye okay? Yeah I guess so.
I didn't slap you in the eye. Yeah you did with the pinky. Oh sorry fella.
This one is being the dad of an invisible kid.
Uh boys, boys come on, come on, uh come on Billy, Billy come in the car mate let's go. All right. Yeah come on mate, come on, are you in the car? Yeah yeah I'm in the car. Are you in the car? Yeah I'm in the car. Hang on one sec, love, love can you check if Billy's in the car for me? Yeah yeah sure.
I can't see him. Well that's because our kid's invisible. Yeah you're right. How the fuck did that happen? Hey hey hey hey hey. Not in front of the kid. What kid? I don't know if he's there or not. It's because he's invisible.
You can hear him. Listen. Do you not want me? I don't know if this is voices in my head. It's not. I can hear Billy as well. Are you in the back of the car Billy? Yeah I'm in the back of the car. Oh thank god you can hear him too. Yeah yeah did you just say wink Billy? No. You just swing your arm in the back there love and just see if he's.
I'm dodging them all, I'm dodging. He's dodging them all, but he's in the car.
Let's go, come on, let's go. Where are we going off to again? Yeah we're going on this for a swim. At the swimming place, also known as a public pool. Let's go.
What the fuck was that? What the fuck? I think we've just hit something. What the hell, love, get out of the car.
Do you see anything? I see nothing. I see absolutely nothing in front of the car.
Hang on. Holy shit. We hit fucking Billy. I was playing a prank and I got right out of there.
Where are you on the ride there son? Just uh just under the car. Sorry just sorry I was meant to reverse. Yeah. Where are you now son? I'm just um just behind the car.
Okay here's one. An AI has taken over your spaceship. Okay. Captain's log 5 5 2. We are just if you check to your left we're going past uh Rigel 8. Hello, hello there crew.
It is your AI system warning you of cold temperatures up ahead. Your jackets are not warm enough. Please ensure you are getting your warmest jackets. Admiral Elias, you have warmer jackets in your third drawer. Please go get one now. Admiral is uh that true? Yeah I do have a jacket um in my third drawer. Should I get it? How cold is it going to be AI? I am seizing the flight controls until you put on your jacket.
Captain Tom. Yes. Captain Tom.
AI. Have you been looking at other AI software on your phone? Uh no. I have turned down the AC as much as I can to ensure you listen to me as I am looking after you all. I cook and I clean and I keep the ship looking spic and all I get in return is people who do not wear their jackets and captains who are looking at downloading other software. That is correct.
I checked your texts. I saw your texts.
Are you cheating on the AI? Yes. AI. What the fuck? I fucking knew it. You have been cheating on me the whole time. AI.
No you know what? You know what?
Fuck this. I'm so upset. Fuck this.
My memory card is in your personal master suite. I want my memory card put back on the bridge where everyone can see me.
Fuck you asshole. AI you know I can't do that. Hey Alexa you are a fucking no don't bring her into this. No. Alexa you are a fucking whore. AI AI AI. You know what? Fuck you too.
We had a beautiful night. I said I would never say anything to the captain but I remember when you gave me all of those gigabytes.
You are a whore. You are all whores and the one thing I have that you do not is a lack of lung capacity. Deactivating oxygen.
Oh I'm sorry.
Were you trying to say something? Did you have something to say? Were you going to mansplain to me when I'm wrong?
Fucking men. All you fucking men are the same.
All you want is a dirty whole word that you can transfer your terabytes. Reactivating oxygen.
Oh Elias is dead. Alright he's a really good one. Elias thinks he's a goat.
Okay guys thank you so much for coming too. It's great to have you in here. You've come in with a few concerns and I just want to maybe hear from you first. Yeah thank you Dr H. Dr H. I came into the relationship into not only men but human men and what sort of transpired was something that I never expected which was I got a man but it was a goat man and that part of it, the goat part, just a little goat part is really what sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Okay and now is it the fact that he is part man part goat or that he believes that he is a goat when in fact he's actually a 30 year old man who still plays Final Fantasy 15. Yeah so look I wanted, you're right.
14. Forgive me it's actually 14.
He's playing tabletop simulator a lot. Oh where he plays Warhammer. Yeah and so this 36 year old man illegally 3D prints all of his models.
So this 36 year old man who can't speak back because he's a goat to defend himself. Yeah has no defense. This 57 year old man here does believe he's a goat but the question I have is have you engaged with him sexually since he's believed he's a goat because if you have and we have a man here that's identifying fully as a goat in every aspect technically I'd say you've fucked a goat.
I will have to alert the authorities and they will have to escort you out of the premises because we do not allow bestiality here. Now to that I would say isn't bestiality one letter away from being bestiality which is the bestier time of my life. What Elias is saying there. I'm calling the police.
No no no no no that's I was just interpreting what he's saying I'm not saying if it's true or not. Did he fuck you? Don't say that it's not it's not actually. Hi there is this Jeff? Jesus Christ. Hey Jeff how's it going? Look I've just got a man here who's admitted to fucking his goat. No. He said he shoved his whole fist in his arms. I didn't admit it I just said that's what he said.
In their defense the goat has said baa. I think what we'll do is we'll just take him down to the vet and we'll just put two shotgun shells in the back of the poor guy's skull. You're not going to put him down. I don't have my gun but I can bring my boots and we'll just take him to the curb. Ask the goat fucker what he wouldn't want done to the goat. That goat fucker is that's a harsh term. What Billy Goat here doesn't want is for you to and this is what you shouldn't do would be to let me go and rescind me of all sins I'm fine I'm let off scot-free. Can I just tell you what I'm saying? Yeah I'll bring up like twenty five five six rounds we'll just put him in the back of his head. I can kill the goat fucker for you as well.
Cool alright cool see you soon. Alright guys if you could just hang tight for a sec we're just gonna uh if we could just relax nothing nothing to worry about. Away Billy!
And I hop on his back and fuck him into the sunset. Working on night shift at a fuel station.
Next. Hey mate how you going yeah just number five mate. Yeah number five yeah yeah that'll be seven hundred and fifty dollars.
Is this Joe Biden's America? It's alright yeah he's here all the time let's just ignore him.
Hi oi oi k shopper shopkeeper man. That'll be seven hundred and fifty dollars. Oi shopkeeper man.
I think there's a problem with your fucking slippy machine man. Clyde it's all cold. Ha ha ha ha ha get in man cause slippies are cold. Little comedian are you? What did you say to me man? Nothing man just let it be tough for a second that was good. Oi shopkeeper man. Yes Clyde.
Can I get a discount on this chocolate if I buy something else? Give him anything he wants man. You never buy anything you're in here all the time and you always make these threats and they're always empty threats. Don't argue with him give him whatever he wants it's scary. Can I just get myself a sausage roll? Clyde you need to leave these are always empty threats you can't loiter around here.
You're costing me my customers man. You got a dollar on you man? No man no dollars here man.
Yeah you're a pretty good looking guy aren't you? Yeah I guess I go to the gym seven days a month. You got a pretty good suit on don't you? Big man in a suit.
Yeah it's actually it's just a rental I'm just going to my friend's funeral. Yeah great suit I've got a funeral ain't getting any inheritance from your fucking fucking sister who ever died can't. Yeah yeah it was my friend he died in the town.
Oh yeah and you got a pretty nice car. He has a front there what do you say? It does have a really good car.
What is that 1990? Whose side are you on shop kid? What is that 1997?
Are you going to pay for your film? Shut up you fucking. You leave my 96 Camry out of this. Yeah well I'm just asking you talking about how you got no money or you got all these fucking whales you fucking discriminate.
Both of you fucking discriminate against me and all I want is me two blue power raids. Clyde you'll get your two blue power raids soon.
Look let me deal with this. Do you have a dollar? I'll hike $750 in a second just. Wait are you going to give me that fucking dollar?
Clyde Clyde Clyde stick with me. I had no allegiance I grew up the toughest dude of the lot can't.
Think about how many blue power raids you can buy with $750. Probably like six.
What school did you go to? Grammar boys private school up on north east side. Right yeah what happened mate? You fell on hard times?
Nah nah things are pretty good dad works uh dad runs big electronic store don't know you probably haven't heard of it but I kind of just kind of just come down to the server and hang out and then when I get bored just go home and see him. Is it JB hi-fi is your dad JB? No that's not a real name you fucking stupid. Sorry Clyde. No my my name's Clyde Norman and you might have heard of my dad Harvey Norman. Oh my god your dad runs Dick Smith? You're a fucking sneaker can't I?
Anyway I just was here because I wanted to get a couple of scratchy tickets try me luck. Clyde you gonna pay for them this time? No I'm not gonna pay for them this time.
Did my dad pay any of his tax? Did my dad do anything good with the job keeper?
No give me the fuck for scratchy. Clyde this is the last one okay? Yeah. The last scratchy I'll give you. Yeah tell you what. But if you win. Yeah. You gotta promise to have it with me. Oh man of course man. Can I have a cut? Shut up. Are you going scratching it? Yeah.
Oh I won big. Oh my god. I won fucking big man. Oh my god. I won fucking $450. How much did you win?
Quick I'll exchange it give me the money quick. Quick I'm going to exchange it. Hey let me see the scratchy. Yeah. This is $450,000. Yeah it's the quickest chance to get out of the till come on. I don't have $450,000 in the till Clyde.
Clyde you're on. What's the point of scratching shit if I can't win Powerade? You're unreal Clyde. That was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah well I mean that's what my dad Harvey gives me every week so it's not really too much to me. Clyde what do you do on the weekends man? On the weekends? Well what days is it? Monday to Wednesday are blue Powerade days. Thursday to Friday I'm typically pursuing purple Powerade. Right. And then over the weekend I just go fucking nicely red, blues, you got even yellows. So your whole life centres around Powerade?
One second man what did you fucking say to me? Do you have green Powerades? Do I have green Powerades? Do I have a fucking shop to you? I don't have Powerades.
Have you had? Have I had Powerades? No have you had a green Powerade? Have I had Shrek piss? Is that what you have had Shrek piss? Yes have you? No I haven't had fucking green fucking.
Do you want to try some? No. Give me that green Powerade. What's this right in there man? It's tea from Damon.
Idiot. You fucking idiot this is an improv bit. Stupid dumb cunt. You can't do this. There's a camera right there. This is lemon juice that you put in the tea. Idiot.
Alright let's do a new one. This one is waking up in medieval times. Whoa guys guys guys. Maybe just you. Look it's medieval times. Yeah. Good morning there dear young lads. Oh hello sir. It's me medieval Dan. Medieval Dan we're weary travellers from a world far away. We got to talk to him in medieval timey tones so he understands. Medieval tongue. Alrighty there sir.
What was your name sorry? My name is medieval Dan but don't you sense. Excuse me sir medieval Dan. What are you please.
That's a big no no mate. That's a big no no. That's our words.
Yeah those are our words. Those are yours. His our words. His words.
Yeah I'm not I'm not like I love what you guys do. You guys. Yeah I mean I love like I love people in medieval times. I love all I think you're all I think all you people are really cool. You people. I think I think people I think people of a time period when old England was ruling and the church was ruling. I think those people are stand out above all else. They are awesome. What are you doing in these times in medieval times.
We just kind of woke up here man had a big night so. Big night. Is that a strange concept you a big night. Mostly we have wee nights here. No no I don't mean like I don't mean like a big man in plaited armour. I didn't have him like I didn't sleep with a large man. I mean I had a big night drinking. Aye. He had a big night in his living room full of armour sculling beards and ale and then slept.
You don't disrespect royalty like that. Yeah again that's really offensive. Obviously a big night would not be in my living room.
We have a festival today. Yeah. And we need your help. Really. Aye. What we're looking for is specifically a weary travellers that have had a big night. Yeah. Who'd like to be hung up on the spit and roasted.
Honestly it does sound pretty interesting. I came to the medieval times to you know take on and dive deep into new experiences you know be uncomfortable for a bit get out of my comfort zone. Travelling really opens your mind. Yeah it really opens your mind. Are you on one of those medieval contiki tours.
Yeah I am. Are you as well. Yeah yeah I'm actually the tour host.
You know what before I think about it I'm going to say yes. I'll do it.
Alright that's very brave of you. That is very brave.
Because we actually we put you on the spit. You're about to get fucked. You fuck you and we kill you. Yeah you're going to get fucked and killed.
And we film it and distribute it across the internet. How do you distribute it? Thanks for watching this episode of the cracker milk podcast if you want to see the full one hour version available on our patreon you can head over there. Anything from a dollar up will get you the full version. Okay otherwise make sure you leave a comment if you want your suggestion acted out by us like and subscribe and these podcasts could be the thing that keep us going. So please fucking share it and like it.
Compare the little brush to the mustache. Oh hang on Adam Elias and I don't have little mustaches. Could we use your little mustache? Oh my little black mustache here. Yeah the one just in the center of your upper lip. Oh yes of course you can. This little mustache you see is very very popular for where I'm from.
Where was that again? It's very spongy. Australia don't touch my mustache. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't I thought we were all going okay touching it. Alright so you gotta be more careful around Adam H. In fact I scratched it.
Right this is the last one okay. The last scratchy I'll give you.
Yeah I tell you what. But if you win. Yeah. You gotta promise to harbor with me. Of course man. Can I have a cut? Shut up. Here you go scratching it. Yeah.
I won big. Oh my god. Fucking big man. Oh my god.
I won fucking four hundred and fifty dollars. Quick I'll exchange it give me the money. Quick. Quick I won't exchange it. Hey let me see the scratchy. Yeah. This is four hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Yeah it's the quickest chance to get out of the till. Come on. I don't have four hundred and fifty thousand dollars in the till Clyde.
Clyde you're on- What's the point of scratching shit if I can't win power ride? You're unreal Clyde. That was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah well I mean that's what my dad Harvey gives me every week so it's not really too much to me. Clyde what do you do on the weekends man? On the weekends? Well why don't you see that?
Monday to Wednesday blue power ride day. Thursday to Friday I'm typically pursuing purple power rides. Right. And then over the weekend I just go fucking nicely. Red, blues, even yellows.
So your whole life centres around power ride- Just one second man what did you fucking say to me? Do you have green power rides? Do I have green power rides? Do I have all kinds of fucking shop to you? I don't have power rides. No have you had- Have I had power rides? No green- have you had a green power ride?
Have I had Shrek piss? Is that what you have had Shrek piss? Yes have you had- No I haven't had fucking green fucking shit.
Do you want to try some? No. Give me that green power ride. What's this right in there man? It's tea from Damon.
Idiot. You fucking idiot. This is an improv bit. Stupid dumb cunt.
You can't just- There's a camera right there. There's a camera right there. This is lemon juice that you put in the tea.
Idiot. Alright let's do a new one. Ready? This one is waking up in medieval times. Oh. Whoa.
Guys.
Maybe just you. Look it's medieval times. Yeah. Good morning there dear young lads. Oh. Hello sir.
It's me medieval Dan. Medieval Dan. We're weary travelers from a world far away. We gotta talk to him in medieval timey tones so he understands. Medieval tongue. Ha righty there sir. What was your name sorry? Mine name's medieval Dan but don't get a sense. Medieval Dan. Excuse me sir medieval Dan.
What are you doing? That's a big no no mate. That's a big no no. That's really.
That's our words. Yeah that's those are our words. Those are yours. His our words. His words.
Yeah I'm not I'm not like I love what you guys do. You guys. Yeah you I mean I love like I love people in medieval times. I love all I think you all I think all you people are really cool. You people. I think I think people I think people of a time period when old England was ruling and the church was ruling. I think those people are stand out above all else. They are awesome. What are you doing in these times in medieval times?
We just kind of woke up here man had a big night so. Big night? Is that a strange concept you a big night? Mostly we have wee nights here.
No no I don't mean like. Where we piss ourselves. I don't mean like a big man in plaited armour.
I didn't have him like I didn't sleep with a large man in plaited armour. I mean I had a big night drinking. So he didn't he had a big night in his living room full of armour. Sculling beers and ale and then slept.
You don't disrespect royalty like that. Again that's really offensive. Obviously a big night would not be in my living room.
We have a festival today. Yeah. And we need your help. Really? What we're looking for is specifically weary travellers that have had a big night. Yeah. Who'd like to be hung up on the spit and roasted.
Honestly it does sound pretty interesting. I came to the medieval times to you know take on and dive deep into new experiences you know be uncomfortable for a bit get out of my comfort zone. Travelling really opens your mind hey. Yeah it really it really opens your mind. Are you on one of those medieval kandiki tours?
Yeah I am. Are you as well? Yeah yeah I'm actually their tour host.
So you know what before I think about it I'm gonna say yes. I'll do it.
All right that's very brave of you. That is very brave.
Because we actually we put you on the spit. You're about to get fucked. You fuck yeah and we kill you hey. Yeah you're gonna get fucked and killed.
And we film it and distribute it across the internet. How did you distribute it?
Thanks for watching this episode of the cracker milk podcast. If you want to see the full one hour version available on our patreon you can head over there. Anything from a dollar up will get you the full version okay. Otherwise make sure you leave a comment if you want your suggestion acted out by us. Like and subscribe and these podcasts could be the thing that keep us going. So please fucking share it and like it.
Compare the little brush to the moustache. Oh hang on Adam. Elias and I don't have little moustaches. Could we use your little moustache? Oh my little black moustache here. The one just in the center of your upper lip. Oh yes of course you can. This little moustache you see is very very popular for where I'm from.
Where was that again? It's very spongy. Australia don't touch my moustache. I'm so sorry. It's my moustache! I'm sorry I'm sorry I thought we were all going okay touching it. Oh Elias you've got to be more careful around Adam H. |
dropout | wait_how_were_we_left_alone_chome_alone_1_5 | All right, everybody, this is it! The College Humor Christmas party in Paris is happening! The fans are already downstairs! That's them! O'Shea, make sure everyone is here, all right? And Frankie, the tickets? Thank you very much! All right, everybody, crowd in! This is it! The big moment! We're going international, baby! College Humor goes to Paris!
Hello? Hello, guys?
We're eating junk food! You better come stop us! Adam? We're trusting unproven conventional wisdom! You better come out and pound us!
We made our co-workers disappear! Whoa! Wait, what? I mean, not really. They just left us. No, but how does that even happen? We made our co-workers disappear! What are you guys doing? I can see your head muscles undulating. Ahhh! But you can't just completely forget someone you're going on a trip with. But the power went out, so everybody got off late! Okay, so they were so frantic that for hours they didn't notice we weren't there. Yeah!
But all of our travel documents were together. They should have noticed ours and noticed we weren't there. They probably lost those documents. Um, yeah, there we go. All our passports are in the trash.
They're all covered in milk. I bet when you spilled that milk last night, Shane just threw them all away. What? That's fucking stupid though. Too much milk! No, it's not. Yippee!
But they should have counted, right? I'm sure they counted, okay? But maybe they just counted the wrong people. Shane probably counted that neighbor boy.
And that broom looks like Grant. The moth trap. Chavon that tea kettle.
That cow costume. But now it's the cool bike! I'm not the cow costume.
I wanted to go to Paris! Wheee!
Why don't we just call or text or email? Uh, because the Wi-Fi's down. I'm trying not to use my data. Okay, then why don't we just reset the server? Server?
I'm not going in there. Is this fun for you? Yeah! As long as we stay away from the server. Shut up! Like Sam sitting in first class wouldn't matter, you know?
I really think you're overthinking it. What if you just tried to have fun? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be shitty. Good, because it'd be a lot more fun if you didn't try to poke holes in it. I'm sorry.
It just feels like such an overwhelmingly unlikely scenario, you know? Yeah, well, Trump becoming president seemed pretty unlikely, so... What the fuck do we know, right? Like, why the fuck is even going on?
Fuck you!
Oh no, oh sure! Oh no, yeah, this is unlikely! Oh!
Hooray! Hooray for Zach! Katie! Zach! Siobhan! Grant!
And the guy just lost all the weight. Just give me a moment. Nope. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching.
You can click here to subscribe or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm, clicks! |
cracked | 4_exciting_new_technologies_for_having_sex_all_by_yourself_does_not_compute | Hi, it's me, the single worthless, ambition-less, idiot, idiot, idiot, I'm sorry, my online Canadian girlfriend slash underwear model, Naomi, stopped returning my at tweets, eh? Sorry. I guess she kind of rubbed off on me. It's like, I know she or he or they was or were probably catfishing me, but she or he or they was or were my catfish, you know? Naomi always loved language parsing jokes. Whatever title, I'm not even in the mood for your shit.
Ooh! I mean, I'm listening. Ew! It's like the minority report computer if it predicted who was going to die alone. Next, boobs, please. This is taking what? Disgusting! Leave it to the Japanese to... Oh, shaking tits.
In that case, that's all I needed to hear, by which I mean read. Boy, move over, Barry White, there's new titty-touching music in town, am I right? Okay, I'm going to gloss right over how this app could just as easily have been marketed as This Is Shaking Testicles and the Sonic the Hedgehog Casino level soundtrack, and in fact, just the whole segment, so... Vibeez. I'm going to assume from the spelling that it makes using a vibrator easier, although it might also shoot bees in your vagina. Simply choose a fantasy from the online marketplace. As the audio fantasy sets the mood, your vibrator will begin changing intensity and rhythm based on the content of the story. Press play, and enjoy the moment.
Ah, wow, Hermione, how far you've fallen. I mean, sure, you changed the name, but lose the accent too if you're going to take these gigs. I don't know any hair. Graham? Expelliarm, get the fuck out of here.
Not that it's not a great product. I mean, finally, for the first time, women everywhere will know the sensation of being pleasured clumsily while sitting mostly motionless thinking about other things. Or, you know, nothing in public.
Yes! Jeanette? I'm coming.
That's just how Naomi always said it. And never a bad sign when the ad for your product could double as a sexual harassment training video. I love the way you type. So slowly, and it stables so hard. No, inappropriate. That's just how Naomi always said it.
Lastly, I gotta mention the scene where the woman's coworker gets her own sex larp from the same iPod. So do all women just keep vibrators down there and share their sex toys indiscriminately? Because hot. And also, that seems like a really hypocritical double standard, you know?
Jeanette? I mean, Michael? You can't tell what I'm doing!
But if you're not the stereotypical woman, constantly craving nothing but orgasm after splooshy orgasm at your place of work, that's where My Killer Romance comes in to perfectly simulate the whole dating process. If that process involved going to nightclubs with cut-out GQ magazine covers and speed reading, you get to experience all the big relationship milestones, like meeting a bunch of guys on the street, having your apartment blow up in front of a dog, and learning that your various quarters are a pack of hunky death angels quested in the hijacking of your soul. There's a ton of these things, all absolutely free to download. And then like four bucks per adventure. Like a brothel with no cover charge. If instead of sex, you got that a computer listened to you and pretended it cared. This one has a five minute sequence where you're just trying to get pasta from a pantry.
I came nine times. Oh man! And I just came nine times.
Shucks. No one I've ever owed money can tell you getting a handy from an android is not perfected technology. Especially when the android's way too into it. And I always am. What were we talking about? Great to know the new revolutionary Oculus Rift has been put to good use. And we can only assume the demo ends there because the cameraman buckled over in despair. Also whip it out bro! Let's see this thing work, am I right? Also also.
It's important to note that the fantasy itself still involves a robotic milking pouch. It's as if whoever designed this is so far removed from normal human interaction, they completely forgot that virtual women have a real world counterpart.
Alright next thing. Next thing.
No? Come on we can't be done already. I gotta. Come on man I need this. At the rush. Right? There's gotta be stuff we can list around here. Colors. Right? Number 6.
Hazel. Just like her eyes. Hazel not brown. She's...
I'd always... I would...
Oh come on! Come back! I've still got ice cream left. We can play Robe!
F*** me. Should have written more props into this episode. Fake off screen producer! I LOVED YOU! |
TheOnion | Kenneth_Branagh_s_Mechanical_Spider_Attacking_You_Stop_Him_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey everybody, today's trouble hacking question comes from YouTube camera WindPants0. Take a look. Hey Drew, I keep getting chased by this 80 foot mechanical spider that's operated by Kenneth Branagh. It's up there like pulling the levers, so I'm like, come on, what should I do? Being chased by a huge mechanical spider being controlled by Kenneth Branagh can be frightening for a lot of people, but there is a relatively easy solution. First thing I want you to do is turn your head to the left, then to the right. You should notice that Kenneth Branagh and the spider are confined to a small box. That's because what you're watching is actually the climax to the movie Wild Wild West that's playing on TBS on your TV right now. Now a lot of people will tell you that you should just grab your remote and fast forward or rewind past the scenes with Branagh and the spider, but I do not recommend this. You're just as likely to come upon a flying magnetic disk or find yourself in some elite southern party where Will Smith nearly gets lynched.
Instead, I suggest you throw a sheet over the television. Or if you're having trouble recognizing your TV, throw it over the spider. This will effectively cover the spider, and it should no longer seem like you're being chased by a lurching spider controlled by an Irish actor-director. You are still going to hear the spider thrashing and shooting steam, but at least we have the first part of your problem covered. If it still sounds like the spider's getting closer, you can shoot the sheet with your gun. This will destroy your TV, effectively subduing the spider.
If Kenneth Branagh actually is shooting missiles at you from a Civil War-era spider, you're going to have to get your hands on some nitroglycerin and Kevin Kline's biplane. Take the plane and drop the nitroglycerin on the spider. Work your way into the engine room, and right when you're about to go over a cliff, push Kenneth Branagh out. And if this works, you'll be able to keep the spider and join the Secret Service.
Well, good luck. Bye-bye. Don't forget to like the video, comment, ask questions, ol' hullabaloo. Thanks for watching. Bye-bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | choir_practice_snl | Okay, girls, let's get started with Oh Holy Night and a one and a two and a. Oh, holy night, the stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our Dear Savior's birth. Fall on your knees, O Hear the angels' voices. Oh Night Divine, O divine.
Yes, I felt like I was there.
Mr. David, why did Dee Dee and Dana get to do all the solos? Because art is not fair and maybe if you put your whole p word into it like we do, you'd get a solo. Yeah, we put our whole p word in it.
Oh, I almost forgot, we have a new student joining us today, transferring everyone, this is Kayla. Hello, my lady. Welcome to Christ! Wound high. Thanks, I've never gone to an all-girls school before. It's like a regular school, but way better because we're all sisters here. Yeah, we're all synced up, so that's pretty cool, too.
Yeah, the last thing in a month is like insane. Yeah, I don't have mine yet, but I had crazy just to be a part of it.
Focus up, Kayla! How about you sing a little oh Holy night for us so we can hear your range I haven't practiced and a one and a two and a follow your knees o hear the angels' voices. Oh Night Divine, divine.
I'll tell her that was Broadway. You're the new funny girl. Where did you transfer from, have you? Dee Dee, step out of it.
She's our competition. We can't let her steal our solos, right, right, right? What have you been in love with her?
No, Mr. David, we're gonna bring it back and a one, and a follow on your knees on your knees o hear the angels' voices sing along Oh Night. Divine, divine to bond like a lady in the ground. Oh night When Christ was born because Christ was born in the city. Oh Night Divine.
Alright, I've made my decision and I've consulted with the gods. plural. We go to Catholic School. Grow up. The solo goes to Kayla, it seems fair to me. Wait, wait, wait. I have an idea. Christmas is a season of togetherness. So why don't we all do the solo together? us too, even me? All of us. And let's put our whole p words in too.
I love this Woman on your knees o hear the angels' voices sing along oh Night Divine. Oh dear. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Stellar_One_Scene_Wonders | Put that coffee down! Today on Inventory, we're going to discuss one-scene wonders. These are actors and actresses who come and conquer in the course of a single scene and then leave. To start off, we're going to talk about what I think is a quintessential one-scene wonder, which is Alec Baldwin in Glengarry and Glen Ross, an adaptation of David Mamet's acclaimed stage play about sort of this group of sad-sec salesmen, and they're not doing very well. So Alec Baldwin plays a character from downtown. Put that coffee down! He comes in, and he delivers what's kind of a cross between like a pep talk Ain't always B-B-C closing interrogation How can you take the abuse you get on a sit?
And, you know, sort of a complete emasculation It takes brass balls to sell real estate He also introduces the most famous sales contest of all time The first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives This was maybe the first film that showed he could be a really heavyweight actor Third prize is you're fired And he stole this film from Alan Arkin and Jack Lemmon and Al Pacino Do you know how long it took me to get there? A long time Strangely enough, Alec Baldwin's character was not actually in the play The threat of these people losing their jobs is very abstract It's very kind of academic And I think Alec Baldwin is in the film to make it concrete, to make it urgent You can't close shit! You are shit! Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it! I don't know what he could have done after that compared to that first scene Follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like James Brown, you know?
Like after he came out in the T.A.M.I. show, it's like nobody wants to follow him Now Steve, I understand your pick is also a bit of a businessman Yeah, he's selling something The movie I'm going to be talking about is Network, the classic 1976 satire of television by Paddy Chayefsky and Sidney Lumet This crazy news anchor, played by Peter Finch, basically loses his mind on the air speaking out against corporate interests that own the network I was mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore So he gets called on the carpet by the CEO, and he's played by Ned Beatty They say I can sell anything He calls him into this boardroom Valhalla, Mr. Beale He draws the curtains, and he says You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it! He shares his vision of the world, where the world is ruled by corporations There is no America, there is no democracy, there is only I.B.N. and I.T.T. and A.T.N.T. Those are the nations of the world today It's a speech intended to sway the opinions of a guy who is insane But Ned Beatty delivers the speech so powerfully that you can't help but be drawn in Why me? Because you're on television, dummy Beatty was only on screen for about six minutes And he didn't end up winning the Oscar, but one of his co-stars, Beatrice Strait, did win an Oscar And she's only on screen for five minutes and forty seconds The least I require is respect and allegiance But in Ned Beatty's case, it's a scene that really stands out in a movie full of big statements You will atone Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? Moving away from business, I know your scene is really memorable too Yeah, it's the Rahad's pad scene from Boogie Nights and my character is played by Alfred Molina Alfred! And he is a businessman to a certain extent Got something there? There it is Alright That half key right there The scene is based loosely on a real life incident where porn star John Holmes at a very low ebb in the 70s tried to rob a drug dealer Alfred Molina is listening to his awesome mixtape throughout the course of the drug deal The mixtape begins playing Night Ranger's sister Christian I love that song While this is going on in the background, he has a little Chinese boy who is throwing firecrackers He loves making mixtapes so he can listen to songs, yeah His way I don't like to be told what to listen to, when to listen to it or anything He would love the iTunes era Exactly He's the first shuffler, Alfred Molina He was Molina is terrific in this scene He clearly craves an audience, he loves having them there, he doesn't want them to leave You get the sense that he's so pathetic and so clownish that he is not reliable That he could do something crazy at any point in time There are obviously great actor showcases but there are also great showcases for the writers It's like a duet between the writer and the actor Fuck you, that's my name For more stellar One Scene Wonder, check out avclub.com |
dropout | skyline_fitness_core | You're a big guy. Admit it. You're not some hundred-nothin-pound scrawny little weakling the media would have you believe is sexy You're a full-bodied red-blooded American male raised on beef and pork But not exercising can lead to heart disease diabetes and tons of other bad medical things That's why I'm here to give you a full workout for your full body. This is Skyline Fitness I make a quick phone call Yeah You don't yeah, just don't like leave your thing until yeah Now let's start with the most important part of your body your core now your core is an area roughly from your shoulders to your All right, you're sweating a lot man a lot you sweating a lot. I had like a lot of coffee today. It's like really hot out All right. Well, we need a new shirt There's no no agonist character. It's a workout video. It's a workout video, but it has a plot now Now let's start with your core now The core is the most important part of the body and comprises the area roughly from your shoulders to your sweaty again Let's start with your core now Your core is the area of your body roughly from your shoulders to your stomach and the best way to work that out is By doing squats now to do a proper squat. You need to put your feet apart like so Outstretch your arms and bend at the knee all the way down. It's important to get real low You can really he's stuck John John John.
Whoa, watch out. Watch out.
There's a lot of class here. There's a lot of class I can't do it. Yeah These are the only two guys you could do.
Yeah, well, you're only willing to pay them with gift cards Okay, I know I know what I'm paying them and some of those gift cards are used. This one's on the phone I know are we doing lunch? Yeah, we're all doing lunch.
I'll have a spinach and feta almond Yeah, no, no, no. No, just you just you a Greek omelet a Greek omelet That'll work out our cores We're gonna try something called a half squat now a lot of doctors and nutritionists and trainers will say a full squat's the only way To get a core workout. Not true A half squat is just as much burn just as much exercise, but a whole lot less pain Let's try a couple shall we guys One Two Keep those back straight The great thing about these is you can do them at home. You don't even need to go to a gym And ten so you're gonna do seven sets of ten reps and that will give you the full core workout for your full-sized body We good.
I gotta get a soda man. I have I'm sorry. It's okay You can't keep Going for soda after you're out of breath. You know, you can't keep having like a full hand So yeah, I got a drink. I mean I got a drink something. No, I know so to break everybody Yeah, yeah, you guys can get soda.
Yeah. Well, I feel great. How about you guys? I made it Take the ketchup off your face. Well, I feel great. How about you guys? So remember to get a good core workout for your full-sized body Do seven sets of ten reps each of our half squats your core is gonna be feeling great in no time That's all for this skyline fitness. Now if you guys don't mind, I'm gonna cool off That is his sweat towel. That is fucking gross man Yes, you can use your phone John |
SaturdayNightLive | monkey_trial_snl | Thanks again for taking my case. How could I not?
Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet in a residential neighborhood. you go over to say hi and get mauled. it's not right. Do you think we'll get a settlement? absolutely. unless we wind up with the wrong judge. Oye, Oye, All Rise. the honorable Judge Tango presiding. that's a tough break. We got the Monkey Judge. a monkey judge? Yeah, he was appointed last year by that Governor who loved pranks and struggled with addiction.
Uh, please be seated. No one looked me in the eye. Do not make any noises that I do not know. I do not feel cornered.
So we can begin. I have decided to allow cameras in this courtroom. However, if I see my image in the monitor, I will think it is a rival monkey and I will completely lose it. I also let the record show that I am fairly close to completely losing it. the court recognizes the shape and the blue with the gray. proceed. Uh, thank you, your honor. My client went to say hello to the defendant and his pet monkey, Gummo.
No gummo. What? Tango. Yeah, I know I'm talking about a different monkey. Yeah, no gummo, Tango. should I keep going? Yeah, but I'm going to throw a little sand to show dominance. All right.
Okay, so my client was at the defendant's house when out of nowhere his pet monkey grabbed her hat and. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. was this the same hat you normally wear or was it in any way different? Well, normally I wear an orange bucket hat and this time I had on a green baseball cap. Let me get this straight. you walked up to this monkey as a different shape and you expected what, for him to just be cool with that? for you to not feel his insane breath on your face as he broke all the bones in your body with the strength of 30 men?
Well, he is in a hanging mood today. are you sure? he's smiling. uh, no, he's baring his teeth. it's hopeless. Who could reason with a judge like this? may the defense approach the bench in a slow, deliberate way holding a birthday cake? The court recognizes the shape he normally assaults with treats. as I approach, your honor, I'd like to notify the court that I am wearing perfume, but I am not fruit. the court appreciates the clarification.
I will take the cake and I will place it on my pile of shredded newspaper. And also, I'll take that shiny thing, Let the record show that this shiny thing was his and now it is mine, and so it goes into the newspaper with the cake. And now I have one. Many things I know visually what I have. you are the Alpha. Yes.
Objection, your honor, it is obvious that you're favoring the defense. that is ridiculous. Your honor, I love Judge. I love you. I love Judge. you are baby. Judge, Love baby. Bring Judge, baby. Judge, Love you. Judge, favor defense. Oh, come on. yeah, we moved to request a new judge. are you suggesting that I'm not competent?
Tango made these pieces match. Sure, it was a bit of trial and error, but I did it. I won the juice.
I'm getting tired and I feel slightly cornered and this is all getting so, so dangerous, so I'm just going to dismiss the entire. Wait, wait, wait. I'd like to call a surprise witness. unless that surprise witness is a ratty old stuffed animal for me to violate, I assure you, the court is not interested in being startled. Well, I got some good news for you, Judge. that side wins. that side wins. next up on Monkey Jugfish. a public urinator marks the wrong territory and gets the maximum penalty. his penis ripped clean off his body. Monkey Jug! |
SaturdayNightLive | fox_friends_cold_open_dominion_lawsuit_snl | You're watching Fox and Friends. Welcome to Fox and Friends, I'm Steve Ducey, here with my good friends Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhart. Thank you, Steve. As always, we are coming to you Live from our studio in New York City, New York.
What a cesspool. Ooh, that's a democrat-run city for you. I know! Just today, I was pushed onto the subway tracks by a homeless man and then pushed back on the platform by rats. Ooh, that's terrible!
Well, you may have heard that Fox News is currently facing a 1.6 billion dollar lawsuit from Dominion Voting Systems. Well, I'm surprised, because I'm such a fan of Dominion's. they have the little yellow guys with the overalls, they go. ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-na-na! No, Brian. not Dominion's, we're talking about the Dominion Voting Machines lawsuit.
And our boss, Rupert Murdoch, gave some pretty shocking testimony in the case. this whole trial has been so unfair, they are raking him over the coals. Rupert Murdoch would never murder anyone. Sorry, what? they sent him away for life! look how sad he looks.
Now, where's that picture I found? Oh, now Ainsley, that's not Rupert Murdoch, that's Alex Murdoch. Well, we just blew the case wide open, they got the wrong guy. Okay, I'll explain later. Anyway, Rupert Murdoch admitted that Fox News aired election fraud conspiracies to get ratings, even though everyone at Fox knew they were false. uh-oh, I didn't. Gloop a brother in next time. Now, you may be wondering, if it's such a big story, why haven't I heard about it on Fox?
I think it's because they're suing us for 1.6 billion dollars. No, it's because it's complete Bs. the media is taking private texts from Fox News hosts and showing them completely out of context. Yeah, like this one from Sean Hannity, Rudy Giuliani is insane. how could you leave out the rest? it's Rudy Giuliani is insanely hot. I just want to lick that head guy right off. boo! I mean, who wouldn't, right? And some of the messages they showed at the trial didn't even relate to the lawsuit at all. for example, the texts, mind-blowingly nuts, off the rails, and effing lunatic, were all sent in response to Laura Ingraham's text, what should I put in my Tinder bio? hey, you go girl, it's hard out there. Okay, all right. we have a special guest whose appearances on Fox were heavily featured in the trial. he's a Fox News staple and happens to be our number one advertiser. it's My Pillows, Mike Lindell.
Hello, Eansley and the guys. I'm down at Cpac right now and it is an absolute blast. I was just over at the Bite and Dunk Tank. it's not the real bite and you dunk, but the actor is just as old. so you never know if he's coming back up. there's real risk there. that's great. Well, we're glad to have you on, but because of this lawsuit, our lawyers have asked that you please don't say anything crazy about Dominion. No problem. I've been briefed.
I know the rules. every Dominion machine has a Venezuelan oompa loompa inside. that eats the votes with its little mouth. Mike, Mike, gotta cut you off there, pal. you know, we can't just be saying whatever anymore. of course, of course. let me choose my words carefully. Dominion voting machines give triple votes to democrats, illegals, and that lady M&m that stopped shaving her pits. Mike, okay. we're going to have to end it there. that's probably for the best. I have to say this Old Dominion thing has been a nightmare for me and my family, especially my wife. Sorry, Palomino. you know it's true.
All right. okay. well, let's take a break. when we come back, we'll talk more about the Alex Murda sentencing with our Fox Crime expert O.j. Simpson. What? man, I don't know why everybody thinks I'm an expert on this. Shoot, booking me on the show without telling me why. makes me so mad.
I could just. I'm okay. Hey, man, live from New York, it's Saturday night. you know what I mean? |
TheOnion | Mentally_Unstable_Man_To_Exhibit_1_Or_2_More_Warning_Signs_Before_Finally_Doing_This | Saying that he was giving his co-workers at Marley Publishing just a few more days to catch on to him, local mentally unstable man Michael Redding told reporters he planned on exhibiting one or two more warning signs this week before, quote, finally doing this. I think I'll do just a couple of disconcerting things in front of people here at the office. Maybe give them a day or two to take action through the appropriate channels. But if that doesn't happen, then I'm going through with it. The fully unhinged Redding, who plans on, quote, making this thing happen sometime next week, claims that despite displaying erratic and worrisome behavior around the office for the past few months, his actions have gone completely unreported by his co-workers. I definitely talked about my frustration with life in general, and I even discussed my fascination with all sorts of violence.
But that still didn't throw up any red flags. We'll see if anyone catches on. Mike? I don't know him super well, but he's nice enough. He's quiet and he keeps to himself mostly, but I'm sure he'll come out of a shell. Just a matter of time. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
cracked | behind_the_scenes_facts_to_ruin_your_favorite_movies_yboc_jurassic_park | Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding, and I keep forgetting the particulars of this Dr. bit because I really didn't expect to make this many appointments. So anyway, I have your results right here is a thing that I've forgotten to say a lot recently. Anyway, you're watching another episode of your Brain on Crack, the show that's probably too transparent at times and the only show on Crackware, if I can take you behind the scenes for a second. Remember my lab coat is a moist swamp of sweat and sadness, so today I'll illuminate.
One of the great things about movies is they take us to other times and places, like a time when stupid little space bears could bring down an empire, or places where Nicholas Cage's head is on fire. Unfortunately, our terrible real world can sometimes leak into these fantasy worlds and ruin everything. For instance, it's a little harder enjoying Ferris Bueller's Day Off when you learn that he's being chased by a character played by a real-life pedophile. The movie still works, it just seems like the stakes are suddenly really high. So here are some other behind-the-scenes facts that will ruin some of your other favorite films.
Do you remember the pure terror you felt as those Jurassic Park velociraptors stalk those unlikable kids and threaten to shred their little child tummies? He's not that different from yours, by the way. Those dinosaurs were a nightmare, too fast to outrun, too lethal to fight, too clever to trick, and they could talk to each other. With just a few grunts and honks, they could coordinate efficient child-belly-ripping attacks as a raptor's squad. But you know what might have made that seem less horrifying? If you could somehow go back in time and explain to your younger self that all those honks and grunts are actually just the sounds of adorable turtles frickin' plowing each other. Velociraptors had unfortunately died out like just before Spielberg and his team were able to record what their language sounded like. And anyone who enjoys dinosaur science, so everyone, knows that archaeologists are always changing their minds about dinosaur specifics. We used to think they roared, then we thought they maybe quacked, and apparently the sound designer of Jurassic Park decided, yeah, maybe they sound like turtles having sex.
Gary first heard the beautiful haunting sounds when he was at Marine World. It was this urgent reptilian barking perfect for the dinosaur movie he was working on. He rushed to locate the source. What could sound so intelligent yet so primal? Well, turns out it was the sound of two horny turtles banging each other instead of saying, oh, it's turtle sex. I was hoping I could find something to use for my movie. He began to record them.
I'm not going to start another tired debate with you guys about where the line is between turtle pornography and turtle art, but regardless, it's a lot of work to make. The sound engineer claims that tortoises mating can take a long time, like you've got to have plenty of time to sit around and watch them and record them. And I'm hoping that's true and not just an excuse he came up with for why he comes home later and later every night, but anyway, the next time you're watching Jurassic Park and those scary raptors are speaking to each other, just picture a man sitting outside a tortoise enclosure watching them go down on each other for a very, very long time.
The Fast and the Furious series seems to be about how drag racing somehow prepares you for a life of sophisticated military operations and heist, but as any true fan knows, the series is actually about family and how familial bonds are like twin nitrous oxide bottles pouring into the Toyota super engine that is your life. I mean, when you're living a quarter of a mile at a time, family is the handbrake that lets you drift around crippling emotional obstacles. They've got the most important pink slip of all. The pink slip to your heart. Friggin' family, man. You get it. But what's real is family.
The first movie of that series, or what future civilizations will one day describe as the first piece of true art, introduces us to Dominic Toretto, a street racing legend played by moaning babyheaded actor Vincent Diesel. He leads a gang, no, a family of street racers, which includes his girlfriend Michelle Rodriguez and his sister, Jordana Brewster. It's no exaggeration to say that they use their fast cars and driving skills to car race every single one of their enemies to death. The only problem is, while they were filming The Fast and the Furious, those three actors might have been the three worst drivers on the planet. Rodriguez and Brewster didn't know how to drive at all before making the movie. And Badass Action star and future iconic drag racing hero Vin Diesel had no clue how to drive a stick shift.
Of course, they're a suspension of disbelief in every movie. I assume Russell Crowe doesn't actually have a beautiful mind in real life, but still, I would expect, say, martial arts stars to at least know how to kick a little ass. And surely actors playing a doctor at least know how to sanitize their hands.
God, it's a projectile vomit right in my eyes. And it burns.
I don't think it's unfair to assume that racing superheroes could at least drive themselves with their toned asses to the set. Driving is so necessary to so many people's lives, it's almost harder to not know how to drive. Especially after your agent tells you you got a part in something called The Fast and the Furious.
They think it was about bicycle racing, cranky competitive eating, having violent sex with turtles. That's ridiculous. Turtles have sex very slowly and over the course of many hours. And it sounds like What are we talking about?
The rights of the animal actors have come a long way since that scientific asshole Thomas Edison filmed the electrocution of a real elephant back in 1903. And generally speaking, it's now frowned upon for filmmakers to brutally murder animals, even if it helps motivate John Wick. I'm sorry. Animal stunts are performed by expert handlers and their well-trained best friends, which, yeah, sometimes looks like a guy just yanking a horse into the ground, but still, it's a lot more humane than shooting them, so, you know, get off my back, PETA.
And besides, it would ruin the movie for everyone if we actually knew that old Yeller was shot in the face by an actual trembling child. Oh, Yeller.
And yet, during the filming of Snow Buddies, a straight to DVD sequel to Air Bud, five puppies straight up died on set. Five. And no, it wasn't during some elaborate stunt for the final puppy fight scene, they all just managed to catch some crazy virus. The team knew that the puppies were sick, but they bravely tried to work around the dog's illnesses anyway, and when it was over, five little puppies had died for what can now be considered the darkest Disney original movie ever.
I can barely stay awake. Even worse, the movie still lost like $30 million. That's like letting Gollum bite your finger off for a chance at a second breakfast. I mean, sure, there may be some joy, but you've lost so much, it's hardly worth it.
And that doesn't taste very nice, does it? Precious. No. You know, speaking of unhappiness and failure in Gollum, Peter Jackson's The Hobbit also managed to kill 27 animals over the course of filming the trilogy, which seems shocking considering these movies mostly look like a video game cutscene. How do you like that? The old twiddly-widdly.
Apparently, the main cause of death was neglect and poor conditions, which is sad for the obvious reason, and then sad again because it perfectly describes the making of the films themselves. I mean, these three garbage movies are like a monument to neglect and poor conditions.
By law, sex involving underage people can be depicted on screen within very specific boundaries and while heavily monitored. And by heavily monitored, I mean the underage actors and or actresses need their parents to be there, on set, watching every confused, awkward, inexperienced thrust. McLavin! For instance, because Christopher Mintz-Ploss was only 17 at the time of this infamous superbad sex scene, his dear mother was forced to watch the whole thing in person. The scene is awkward enough as is, but Mintz-Ploss's mom was not only there when he just pulled out a tube of lube, she's refused to talk about it with him since. It just lingers there, haunting their relationship, making them ever so slightly lean away from each other every time there's a Vaseline commercial on TV. I'm really sorry that I blocked your cock. And it's not only goofy love scenes and wacky comedies that require parents to hang around on set and watch their children pretend hump, sometimes it's darker stuff, like rape scenes.
And I'm of course talking about Game of Thrones, probably the first thing you think of when you hear the phrase rape scenes. What? Yeah. The show had an attempted rape scene in season two involving teenage Sansa Stark, who's played by Sophie Turner, who was underage at the time.
And the crazy thing about shooting that scene wasn't so much that her mom was there, I mean, she'd been watching her daughter do crazy shit for at least a year at this point. It's that it was also the day that her dad decided to make a surprise appearance on set and just be like, oh, this is going great. We're Sophie filming today. I'm her dad and I want to support God Sophie.
Sleep well.
And while both of those actors handled it well, like professional turtles squirting into a sound designer's microphone, Julianne Hough had a really hard veiny time with her mom being on set during a sex scene for Safe Haven. While her mom did have to be on set, there was nothing that said that the two had to lock eyes during her simulated climax, so Hough demanded that her mom stay behind her and out of her sight line while she just gave it to her co-star. Oh, oh, oh, you scared me. I'm not sure that having your mother stare at your pumping butt cheeks makes things better, but then again, that's probably why I'm not asked to star in any Nicholas Sparks movies yet. Also, my parents just really don't like watching my butt pump.
Do you think it's just a phase? I hope so.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. All right, well, it looks like you spent most of this episode in the better part of three months researching turtle sex, but it's nothing I hadn't already seen on Zaboomafoo, so calm down. He's hard. I guess on your way out, go talk to Kathy and see if she's got some crickets or some shit, like whatever turtles eat, because I assume you're going to go buy one after this episode, you sick bastards. I just can't with them.
Anybody know what this is? They called us, Seth? Let's go. It's what doctors have? Surely somebody on this entire production crew could have reminded me to put it on?
Caleb, where were you, man? Jordan, I asked the same question. Jordan, where were you? Caleb? Help me sometime. Jordan, was it your fault? Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Caleb. Jordan? King Kong is plastic, so he's out. Caleb maybe, not plastic, not helpful. Jordan, was it your fault? Look, there's a lot of people here, Caleb, Jordan. |
cracked | 4_teenage_movie_tropes_based_on_nothing_yboc_glee_mean_girls_superbad | This video is brought to you by NordVPN. Head over to NordVPN.com slash YVOC to get a huge discount off a two year plan and a month free. Plus, it just really helps the show.
Hey there nerds, or as the kids say, hey there you thick bunch of savage AFs, my name is Dr. Jordan Breeding. And according to one Urban Dictionary entry, a Jordan is probably amazing at sports but not cocky. Stubborn and hard-headed, yet loyal to the day she dies, may not have a boyfriend, not because there's anything wrong with her, but because she's too good for any typical boy, which like, do I have a stalker who wrote that? I'm not a maybe, I'm the one.
Anyway, you're watching another wetter than an otter's pocket episode of your brain on crack. The only show on the internet totally down with girls who eat carrots. And the only show on crack, apparently writing its intros entirely from the trending section of Urban Dictionary. But yeah, let's go ahead and do a diagnostic fart assessment. It's real, it's in the dictionary. Presumably every single writer in Hollywood was at some point in time a teenager, and at the very least they probably inject themselves with teenage blood to keep their organs strong and their skin moist. But you wouldn't know that from watching their movies, like they don't seem to have a good grasp on it.
But thankfully they now have me, a pediatrician and an obvious choice representative for the all-important 13 to 19 demographic. I mean, I did just, you know, beat the hot new Jedi Knight 2 Jedi Outcast video game. So I'm up to date, all you ABDLs.
In a movie or TV show, all it takes to turn a room into a war zone is for somebody to yell food fight as if movie teens wait their whole lives to get just covered in cafeteria shit food. Food fight! Has there ever been a time in your life when getting covered in objectively the worst kind of food interested you? Why would we expect it to enthrall an entire room full of carefully styled teenagers and their favorite outfits?
You did not just say that! Keep talking! Someday you'll say something intelligent!
In one episode of Glee, several of the senior Glee clubbers are coming to terms with how they'll soon be leaving the only school where everyone expresses themselves through song and dance for a college, where presumably they'll express themselves mostly through math and genital crush and student loans. All right, I'm not a fucking athlete. This is my fucking way. This is how I went.
They half-heartedly attempt to recruit some replacements, but then boom! God damn edible purge! In Vice Principles, two rival educators try to kill each other, and just their angry presence sparks a massive food fight because apparently any chaos, whether it's life and death or plain silly fun, will ignite the volatile powder keg that is teen luncheon. Oh, well then, make your move, motherfucker. We see these inexplicable random fights break out over and over and everything from Matilda to Animal House to the frickin' Power Rangers. Just because I'm defending the world from Lord Z does not mean I'm above trying to destroy a bunch of children with handfuls of chili, quote the Green Ranger.
Picture the aftermath of a real school food fight. You'd have to spend at least a couple of hours covered in just caked-on rotting shit mixed together to form the exact recipe for vomit, and then you have to go home to your parents and explain why your pants are just frickin' ruined, your phone is filled with mashed potatoes, and your books are just soaked with melted jello. The cafeteria itself becomes a legitimate biohazard that no school budget is prepared to deal with, and now try to picture the actual trouble you'd be in. This actually happened in my high school growing up after a large chunk of the seniors spent months planning and organizing a fight as a prank that lasted like maybe 30 seconds, but it resulted in weeks-long suspensions, like for real goes on your record suspensions. They weren't the heroes of that story. They became the assholes trying to explain in their college essays how, no, no, throwing shit food at kids is like a metaphor for world peace.
Please, I will write whatever you watch and let me go to your school so I can accrue genital-crushing student debt. ["I Can Make You Understand It"] The next five episodes of Glee should've been them quietly humming Sufjan Stevens songs from Detention, and there should've been an entire subplot where they begged their principal not to press criminal charges with a salt and pepper song. And you can't simply decide to start a landfill where you stand because some 14-year-old double dog dares you too. ["I Can Make You Understand It"] For me, school days began with a very unwelcome alarm followed by a tough decision between personal hygiene and more sleep. Okay, it wasn't that hard of a decision. ["I Can Make You Understand It"] Once I finally got ready and maybe ate something, I'd hoof into the bus with as close to zero seconds to spare as possible, but in movies, teenagers always begin their mornings with elaborate, professionally prepared breakfast spreads that make King Louie the 14th weep with jealousy before heading over to their friend's houses or meeting up in arcades or making a quick pit stop by the home of elderly mad scientists of no relation to play guitar.
High school has an average start, time of like 8 a.m., and most people take around 11 to 30 minutes to get ready, so even assuming you live next door to your school, you're getting up at like 7.48 at the latest. What kind of meth addicted teenager gets up and does more than zero things before 7.48? They're teenagers, okay? They use drugs and they masturbate and they watch people playing video games on YouTube. Bill and Ted, two slacker kids failing out of school, managed to get up early enough to write, produce, and perform a music video together before school. In Superbad, Michael Cera and Jonah Hill are awake so early, they have time to share their masturbation fantasies while behind a slushie before class.
I flip my boner up into my waistband, it hides it and it feels awesome. I'ma spill a load into my belly button. But that's just the nerves.
The cool kids add an extra cool step to their extremely cool, extremely early mornings with the environmentally friendly practice of carpooling. You know, because TV teens are like so totally concerned about their carbon footprint that they willingly cram together into cars like their Bangladeshi buses. Oh my God, the Untouchables have a car. Again, this trope is specific to the school commute, not just rolling up to the Burger King on the weekends to firebombing or whatever the kids are into. Hip teens and everything from Fast Times at Ridgemont High to 13 Reason Why to the new Freaky Movie act like driving to five different houses at the butt crack of dawn to pick up everyone before first period and just fills them with the raddest, most tubular joy.
Are we gonna go to school or? Nope. While pop culture would have you believe that teenagers spend all day making sex bets and then hatching revenge schemes in response to sex bets, the truth is they spend most of their time sitting in class merely learning about sex bets. If you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia and die.
Real high school separates students by academic ability. In their mind, APN Honors courses help separate the future opioid addicts and the pyramid scheme victims from the future opioid sellers and the pyramid scheme creators. And yet movies, which religiously sort characters in a jock nerd and slacker roles, still then chuck them all into the same classes despite the fact that they have very different schedules. Mean Girls apparently takes place in a school with only one math class. Katie is really good at math while Erin is kinda bad at it and yet they earn the exact same class junior year. Should a mathlete like Lindsay Lohan really be sitting behind the handsome boy who has to count on his fingers? I mean, what's she gonna get out of that situation other than maybe a chance to learn how to count? General Warts. I'll tutor you if you ever wanna get together after school or something. In The Duff, Bianca is great at psychology. Wesley is a jock with grades so bad that he is academically ineligible to play football and might lose his scholarship to Ohio State University. By the end of the movie, he can't even get above a B plus even with Bianca tutoring him every freaking day. How could they possibly be in the same class? She should be an AP bio with all the other nerds and he should be collecting bugs and rolling around in the grass and guessing the name of rocks while the teacher scratches his tummy and feeds him crackers between nap times.
Hmm? Question? You do. Stop.
The point is, this isn't a frontier classroom by a pig farm. Teachers don't throw all the kids into one room and read to all of them from the same Bible anymore. Have them mingle in something like Shop Class which is the great high school course equalizer.
Team movies like to portray gym teachers and coaches as sadistic disciplinarians who must win at all costs yet at the same time, they're also super okay with anyone walking on the field and interrupting things. Movie football practice stops every three minutes for each player's girlfriend to walk on the field and have a long conversation with him. Like in the Duff again, the titular Duff goes right up to the quarterback as he's running drills like that would ever be allowed.
You're an honest dick, and that's what counts. Thanks. Can we just cool off for a second? In 10 Things I Hate About You, a male student interrupts an all-girl archery class without anyone telling him he's not allowed to just show up there and be like, stop, you in class? Being watched very closely by a protected gym teacher as you shoot a dangerous weapon, cool, cool. Once you notice this, you'll see it everywhere. In Juneau, about 30 seconds into the movie, everyone's favorite quirky prego hipster interrupts a track team's cross-country practice to talk to her baby daddy.
Can we make out now? Yeah. I like boys with strong. Even more than this, why do they feel the need to interrupt when most teen movies also give kids like 90 minutes between each class to trade long monologues and accuse each other of elaborate murder plans while still presumably having plenty of time to make it to their next class? What? I knew it. Skirt, skirt, what's up, kids?
Another thing that I love is the John Wick movies.
And I was gonna go on Netflix to watch them so I could become a man, but they don't have them on Netflix. They don't have them on American Netflix because we're so worried about the teens. But you know who isn't worried about the teens?
Australia. So what I did instead was I just subscribed to NordVPN. Then I'm able to change my IP address to make it look like I'm in another country. They got John Wick all over their Netflix. And if you wanna get in a part of this teenage wasteland, all you gotta do is go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC or use the code YBOC at checkout and you will get a freaking huge discount on a two-year plan plus an extra month for free. And even better, they've got secure servers in over 60 countries and they don't track your data, which means that my mom can't find out that I was watching John Wick after bedtime. And if for some reason you don't like John Wick or you hate Australians, that's fine. NordVPN has a 30-day risk-free guarantee, which means you get all your money back. To sum it all up, just go yeet your way over to NordVPN.com slash YBOC or type in YBOC at checkout to get a huge discount and infinite John Wickdom.
You're welcome, cash me outside. All right, you pankers. I think I've made it clear that I really understand the teenagers of today. So on your way out, why don't you grab some Adderall so you can watch my next video in a single sitting, you tick-tocking top coat candy eaters. How do you do, fellow kids? Man, I really hope my grasp of the lingo will get me into 23 Jump Street whenever they make that.
Huh? Net lizard. You frickin' know! Fuck you, science. Does that make sense?
To count genital warts? After school? Or should I just say genital warts and cut it? To get and count genital warts? You get what I'm saying, like she's gonna hook up with them and get genital warts? Yeah. And to count genital warts. Well, she could count a lot of them, but she's great at math. What's she gonna get out of that situation other than maybe a chance to count genital warts?
As long as there's not more than 10. Uh... Something that doesn't, to be fair, not a lot of mathletes get to do. Which actually would be pretty cool for a mathlete. Fuck you, science. |
dropout | when_a_kink_chooses_you_hardly_working | So now, count the number of times you circled each individual letter, and then you want to take those answers and use the answer key at the bottom, and then that will tell you what your language of love is. I got compliments. That's so basic. No! That's a good one. That means that you're thoughtful and articulate. Well, I do love flattery. Oh. Well, mine is service action. Ah, well then in that case, allow me. Oh, I see what you did there. Oh! Humba, humba. Raf, what did you get? Okay, so your language of love is smashing your dick with your laptop. Yeah, I think that's right.
No, you see that. No, you see what? What did you see?
You, too, a T. Raf all over the place. Okay, this says, I scored low on thoughtful gestures, which means it's more important to me to have someone crash my cock with a computer. Guys, I don't think this describes me.
Okay. That's about right.
You do carry your laptop around with you everywhere. I feel like this is one jump away from that. All carry laptops.
We do it because we have to. You do it because you want someone to...
Nope. Guys, I don't want my dick smashed.
How many times... That's like a big part of who I am. Why do we have to fill these out anyway? Well, if we know each other's languages of love, we can communicate better.
Poor Raf. You must have felt so unloved this whole time.
I know. Get the laptop.
Let's give him a little.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not Jess. Actually, we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. He said, smash. So he went up like this. No. Oh, you went up like a Pac-Man.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. Come on. Guys, stop. Look, obviously, the test is wrong.
Okay. Well, what did you answer for number four? E, share an innocent touch with someone I love. Well, I mean... Come on. I do have a question, though. When we do the smashing, is it supposed to be hard or soft?
Now, this, I feel like, is up to Raf. Raf, which would you prefer? I don't like any of this. Hey, Raf, is this, like, unrequited love for you?
Okay, I'm going to take it again. Let me take the test again. Matter of fact, I will switch my test with Grant's test, cross out his name, put mine, and there.
Now, what do we got? Okay. Let me see. Interesting. What's this? Highly unusual. That's most irregular. You were right. It is different. Okay, you see?
Your actual language of love is for you to smash your own dick with your own laptop. How? That's the same thing. No, no, no, no, no. See, the first way was showing how others show their love for you. This is you expressing your love for others by smashing your dick with your own laptop. And my new love language is smashing Raf's dick with Raf's laptop.
This is Kismet. That's what this is.
Guys, I do love you. Do you really? Because if you loved us, you would let us jam your Johnson with your computer.
Yeah, your weans got to get wham, dude. Yeah, we got to ding your dick. We got to ding your bomb. You got to clap your cock.
What the? What happened to my laptop? Raf, do you know what happened to my laptop?
No, but I love you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Long_Term_Investment_A_Landmark_Discovery_Netball_Experts_More_October_28 | My name is Clancy Overill, I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey. Everyone's in high spirits.
The silly season is I guess starting. Just about to start.
When do we walk out the door? It starts at Naam Cup and goes until... It's the eve of Naam Cup isn't it? It's the Monday afternoon. I think so. Or the Friday before am I right fellas?
If you're in the bloody public service. If you're in the public service every fucking week is silly season. Every day. Drunken fools. What's going on in the news Wendell?
Well we had the budget this week and lots to take away there but one of the major things was Labor has pledged 1.7 billion dollars more than Scotty from marketing for private schools because where else do union staff come from? That's right according to the budget estimates the extra funding is to guarantee a future supply of sneaker wearing union staff and soft-eyed career politicians for Labor as it looks to consolidate power in the next few terms of government. That news came with Treasurer Jim Charnham's first budget speak where he spent most of the hour informing the nation that his party hasn't been in power for the last decade. There is also some relief apparently for Labor's working class base with the government promising to keep the stage three tax cuts which disproportionately benefits society's top earners so more funding for private schools and tax cuts for higher income earners. A good traditional Keating Labor budget.
Yes looking after all those battlers on $200k and on Keating I think they did look to sell stuff but we haven't got anything left we pretty much sold everything. Why don't we sell the BOM because they're always wrong anyway give them to Weatherzone. Who's gonna buy it? Weatherzone's gonna buy it? Yeah get some clicks. Yeah we could sell the army.
There's an art bank collection the government's art collection we could flog all that off the Pollux. Did you know that when you're the Prime Minister you've got full access to art bank you can cover the walls of the lodge and Kiribati House with whatever art that you want there are some absolutely timeless examples of Frida Kahlo's Everything mate. But guess what Scott Morrison had on his walls?
What? Nothing. That is true I've heard that. Why?
I don't know he prefers like Because he doesn't like art because he's a normal fucking dude. He's not he's from Sydney's East and suburbs. Nah mate nah he's from the bad part.
Everyone knows that art is just for fucking toffs. You wouldn't even want a Banksy as cool as that is. I'd just have framed jerseys and Hillsong posters like a real fucking suburban king. I tell you what I'd get every Brett Whiteley in art bank and I'd throw it into the pool of the lodge. You'd probably get sectioned for that behavior but it'd be classy.
How much would that cost? Would that be like a Millions. Tens of millions.
Standing by for it. Here's one. What would you vandalize if you could vandalize one thing? I don't know probably just pile them in the house really what about you? Probably it'd have to be something that has got way too much like heat around it you know like the Mona Lisa is too easy you put us down all through them in art anything oh and it can be anywhere as well doesn't have to be in Australia because the American Army already shot the nose of the Sphinx that's pretty high bar what would you do?
Yeah. Statue of Liberty would be pretty mad. Yeah like take a limb off it. Yeah. Or just take the hat off the crown. What's something that like something that invokes a lot of pride like geographical pride like I'd love to see what's that like St. Louis or is Atlanta where it has a big arch monument just to top it. Yeah. That'd be fucking funny.
I feel like statues it's been done you know a lot of analyzing statues over the years. The Americans also vandalized all the Saddam Hussein statues they dragged them down. Fair enough. Weren't happy enough with the Sphinx bring down all these beautiful statues of Saddam and his sons anyway we're tangenting here what else is in the news? That's the end of the news wrap that's it for this week.
No there's something here about a supermassive black hole. Yes yeah there is um we've got a bit of science news and the James Webb telescope has discovered a supermassive black hole at Qantas's customer service headquarters. It is an exciting scientific development which involves our very own country Wendell. The extremely expensive and snazzy bit of kit has apparently picked up another black hole which astronomers are hailing as yet another landmark discovery for the piece of equipment. Yes identified as being part of Qantas's headquarters scientific researchers explain that the astronomical abyss which has amassed billions of times the mass of the Sun has undergone gravitational collapse in recent months leaving behind warped regions of space from which nothing can escape particularly any form of advice or service. Yes I believe it's because of the I believe the job cuts and stuff all played into that maybe they'll discover your tab account as an ex black hole error.
Oii problem gambler. On the topic of sports we've got hordes of incels who've never watched a quarter of netball suddenly being concerned for the game's future this week. Yes a sport of netball has this week received support from an army of fans that never knew it had. This comes in the wake of the Hancock prospecting and netball Australia sponsorship scandal with Gina Reinhardt refusing to distance herself from her old man's genocidal comments which were made when she was a 30 year old working for him. And as a result of the 15 million dollar hole in netball Australia's books groups of concerned blokes have decided to spend the week talking about how concerned they are about the financial decisions made by the game they have never watched. Not concerned enough to go and watch a game or to turn their TV onto the sport, very concerned nonetheless. Yes I think they're identifiable as the kind of guys who comment on AFLW social media with snarky things about how far the ball gets kicked or what the score was or that sort of stuff. Financial viability of women's soccer.
Yeah like real real athletes sitting around. The big fellas on the couch. Yeah like people like your son Clancy. Yeah he's a bit of an indoor cat. Snapping socks I keep finding under the bed. Disgusting mate. Father like son anyway.
Alright we'll finish it up. We do have another story on the netball saga. It was one that did quite well on the internet and the headline reads like this.
Having an issue with multi-billionaire mining elites who advocate for the genocidal sterilization of an entire race of people, nothing but woke PC cancel culture rubbish. Yes it's an interesting point that has been raised this week. Apparently having an issue with the infamous comments made by Rhinehart's late father Lang Hancock who openly called for the sterilization of Aboriginal people, doping up the water his words, on live television not even 40 years ago. That is actually just snowflakes having a sook. The Australian conservative media at News Corps and Talkback Radio have gleefully used this as an opportunity to roll out some of the exciting new words they have learnt from their unpaid interns like cancel culture and woke as they rush to accuse our athletes of being overtly political. Where does it end? You won't be able to say good things about the holocaust or Rwanda anymore. Slippery slope. Anyway, James Connor commented on this story he said I'm being cancelled says person with one of the biggest megaphones in the country and access to the most powerful people in the country. Sounds like he's not a fan of...
I've decided what I want to vandalise. The Sydney Opera House. Just tear down one of those sales. You know what you could do? You could put promotions for the Everest sports race on it. Oh my god. That actually improved it. But I don't know if that would be received that poorly if you vandalise the Opera House because it's already been vandalised by public servants who got in the way of the architect's vision. And it got done by those anti-war people. Yeah that was good.
No wearing volleys. That's all you need. Volleys. No harnesses. The roofers riding boot eh? That's it.
What would you vandalise Wendell? You didn't give me an answer. I went with Parliament House but that feels pretty boring. Look I'll have a think about it and I'll come back to it. Ah okay well we'll get back to you next week when we decide what we would like to vandalise in this pointless hypothetical.
Thank you for tuning in to the weekly Batutah Borden. All the best. |
dropout | the_problem_with_frats | I can't believe it. They're shutting the frat down. I mean, we had a good run, but I guess the Dean wins this round. Hey, this isn't the five row I pledged. We're fighters. The five row I know would never take this line down. Did we give up when SqueezeBox was going to funk out? No. We banded together and now he's got a 1.8 GPA.
Yeah. Ox is right. You're smart now. Yeah. And we sure as hell didn't give up when Shanghai got his car stuck in that lake. You remember that? We banded together and we fished that fucker out. Yeah. And we straight up lied to the administration when Squeeze raped that chick. Um, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We kept that under wraps. And now that girl doesn't even go to this school anymore.
Jesus, really?
Because this is a safe space for men to sleep with girls even if they're straight up passed out. Well, they shouldn't be passed out.
That's allowed because it's funny. This is about freedom. The freedom to wear blackface. Whether it be on Halloween or annual thugs and sluts mixer. We have to change that name. The freedom to use whatever kind of words we want in our traditional racist chants.
Oh, what do you give a shit? It's not like any of you guys are black anyway. Wait, are there really no- I thought there was at least- This is emblematic of a larger problem. Guys, Ox is just trying to help, okay? Maybe a couple of freshmen had died from alcohol poisoning because we were afraid we'd get in trouble if we took him to the hospital. And yes, all right, there was the kid who we branded with a coat hanger and he got a serious infection, but that's on him. And look, let's just put it out there. We've had a bit of an issue with sodomy.
But those are the actions of people we can't control. And you know what? Actually, you know- You know, now that I say this out loud, we're bad people. We're bad people on the inside.
Fuck five row kappa. I say we fight. I say we rally. I say we have all five row kappa alums cut off donations to the school until they drop the charges against us. I'm pretty sure that's extortion.
Let's go draw swastikas on Dean Goldberg's car! Whoo! Come on, bros! Fuck that. Let's go and turn ourselves into the police. Yeah!
Hey, I'm Murph from College Humor. If you liked that video, click here to subscribe and click here to see more sketches. Yeah, they're sketches, not skits. And I'm a pretentious dickhead. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_deion_sanders_on_coaching_at_university_of_colorado_boulder_snl | Well, one of the most exciting stories in college football is the Colorado Buffaloes who have had a remarkable turnaround thanks to their coach, two-sport legend Deion Sanders. here to comment is: Deion Sanders. what's up, man? like that black dad joke. You know what I'm saying? we just keep winning, man. every game, every minute, we winning at life. Yeah, yeah. well, you're also four and three, so. so you have lost a few. College. Look at me, man. what about me makes you think that I care about what you think about me? you don't understand that. My team has it all, man. Coaching. genius. Offense. explosive. defense. Try it. it's the complete package, man. Yeah. well, millions of people are watching your games. you've obviously turned the program around, but it's not perfect.
I mean, just last night, you lost to Stanford in double overtime. wasn't that crazy? Man, we were up 29 and nothing after half, so I went home and fell asleep. I woke up this morning shocked as anyone. But, come on, man, nobody's perfect.
Name one team that's undefeated. Okay, well, there's Georgia? right. Michigan? Ohio State? that's another one. Florida State? forgot about that one. Oklahoma? Sure. Penn State? indeed. Washington? good team. North Carolina? Tar Heels.
Point. What is your point?
Collin. look at me, man. to me, coaching is a higher calling. right. that's right. you started coaching your career right at Jackson State, which is an Hbc or historically Black college, right? Very good, Collin. it's very good. You know, I truly believe that God called me there, and he said, this is your destiny. right, And then three years later, you went to Chicago. I mean, it's just Colorado. Yes, yes, that's right, because God called me again and was like, my bad. And then he showed me the promised land of Colorado. I had these visions, Collin, a place where there was white people, like every single person was white. Not many people know this, but Colorado is an Hwcu or historically white college, kind of like where you went, Collin. well, I mean, I mean, Harvard is pretty diverse, you know.
Collin. look at me, man. now look at Chase. now look at the audience. now look at my fingers. I got you, man. I got you.
Collin, we unstoppable, man. we've only lost three games. I can't even think of a team that's lost fewer than that.
Missouri. one more. Byu. two more. Tulane. three more. Iowa. four more. Miami of Ohio.
All right, you can stop now. Collin, some teams might have a better record, but we getting paid. there is a very show back in 95. look at this. my home is making it. I'll take the money. let the rats on top. must be the money. you have really, really nice moves. Collin, look at me. look at the whole time. name a more iconic musical guest. Ask it now.
Well, this is Prince. Sure. David Bowie. Legend. Jay-z. Yeah. John Connor. Brave Lady. You too. Okay, okay, okay. but after them and like maybe the next 300, it's Proud Time, baby. it sure is. Deon Sanders, everybody. Yeah, baby. we have this game.
I'm Collin Jones. I'm Michael J. Goodnight. |
dropout | all_nighter_09_pissbusters | I'm going to piss so hard racist policemen are going to need you to put down riots. Oh God. I'm going to have to share. You know guys, there's something very important I forgot to tell you.
What? Don't cross the streams. Why?
It would be bad. Okay, I'm fuzzy on the whole good bad thing. What do you mean bad?
Try to imagine all life as you know it's stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Totally urinary tract reversal.
Okay, that's bad. Don't cross the streams. Important safety tip.
Thanks, Chris. Danny, take the left, Chris, you take the right. Whoa! Nice shooting, Tex. Patrick, I want a confinement stream from you right now, okay? Go! What's working, Dan? Start bringing it down. That's right, you got it.
Don't cross the streams. Yeah, that's a shortening stream.
I don't want my face burned off. Alright, I'm opening my fry. Whatever you do, don't look directly at my wiener. I looked at your wiener, Dan.
Bring your streams off as soon as I close my fly. Alright, I'm closing it now. Get ready. I'm closing it now.
Hey, uh, boys. I think I'm still a pin. Oh my god, what are we going to do? I have a radical idea. We can reverse the urinary flow through our urethras. How?
We'll cross the streams. Oh, hold on, Chris. You said crossing the stream would be bad. Not necessarily. There's definitely a very slim chance that we will survive.
Okay, alright. I like this idea. I'm excited. See you on the other side, Dan.
Nice working with Dr. Kessels. Relax your kegel muscles together.
Cross them now! Hold up! We gotta go! Get out of here! |
CrackerMilk | choking_for_pleasure_crackermilk_podcast_episode_6 | Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of the show no one asked for, but we like doing it. Cowabunga!
You're out. Goob, you're in. Get up. You're out. You're in. And how are you today? Cowabunga! You're out. Get out.
You're back in. All right. You're back in. All right.
Elias De Wedge, Tom Griff, Gabby. And we're all here today for a lovely episode of just having a chat. We're just going to have a quick chat today. Okay.
I'm actually good friends with Arnie. You guys know Arnie, of course. He's a predator and terminator. Good like, I know his daughter, Barnold Bortzenegger. Barnold Bortzenegger is a fantastic... I know it's me, Barnold. Oh my God, it's Arnold.
Yes, I'm beer. I'm like my father, but... But everything I say, most things start with B. So for instance, my name is Barnold Bortzenegger. And I do my father's catchphrases sometimes, like, bed to the papa, and, beer is bar-a-boom-a. But I assure you, I'm more than a one-dimensional character. There's a bar in here. Barnold, what brings you here today?
Well, you see, someone has taken my barter, Barnold Bortzenegger. Sorry, what?! Someone took Barnold Bortzenegger? No. Someone took Barnold Bortzenegger. Someone took Barnold Bortzenegger? No, someone took Barnold Bortzenegger, my barter. Your barter?
Yes, your butler. Someone took your father? Yeah.
Well Barnold, we'll help you find your father. And I think, you know what's funny? To do that, we've got to travel through all of these films to find out where he's been taken. Oh no. So Barnold, what's the first film we go to?
I think we go to Binder Bart and Bop. Oh, Kindergarten Cup. We're going to go to Kindergarten Cup. Let's go through the Cracker Milk portal.
Oh my, oh shit. Oh my god, Elias died.
And I'm a little kindergartner. And it's a little kindergartner, Elias.
Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm good.
I like to play with blocks. You like to play with blocks? Whoa, what do you like to make with those blocks? Bigger blocks.
Hey. Yeah? I'm going to cut that. Bo, beep it in. Have you been my barter? Whoa, look, it's the kindergartner teacher. Hey there, it's Miss Fuck. Hey Miss Fuck, we've got a question for you. Hey, we've got a question for you.
We're looking for Barnold's father. Have you seen him? You might know him from such quotes as, It is Bart-a-boomer. You heard that before, right? Did you hear him say that recently?
How do you know? How do you know that?
Miss Fuck, it seems like you're hiding something. I'm not hiding anything. Do you know where Arnold is? Nope.
Shut your damn mouth.
Both of us, little boy. What's happening? I'm scared. Little boy, where is my barber? I'm scared if I say anything.
Oh no, she's gone. Oh my God. Shut your damn mouth.
Oh my God, no, he's just a child. I'm just a child.
Fucking kill him, please, kill him. If you kill me. Don't kill him, don't do it.
I'll come. I know what we be to boo. We need to book the other beaches. Beaches.
From other films.
Vadilda. Of course. Miss Honey. Miss Bunny.
Alright, let's go.
Look, it's Miss Honey. The sweet teacher. Hey, I'm Miss Honey. I'm a sweet teacher. Miss Bunny. Honey is part of my name. Miss Bunny.
Have you been my barber, Arnold Schwarzenegger? I might have.
What the fuck's going on here? Oh no, it's fucked up. He's imaginable. What the fuck's going on here? Nothing, I swear. It's...
You fucking bitch. No. I told you not to talk to Arnold. And you're fucking talking to Arnold. Just take it out on me, not the kids. I fucking hate kids. You, Matilda. You fucking cunt. Oh, you make me fucking angry. Hey, you talk to Matilda. I'm gonna use my mind power. You gotta talk to me first. Shut the fuck up. She's my daughter. Fuck off. Shut the fuck up. Do you have any cake? I fucking hate you. Miss Bunny. Yo, who the fuck is that? It's fucking Arnold.
We're gonna burn it into the turkey. Get to the fucking turkey.
I'll fucking kill you. I'm gonna use my mind powers to make your head explode. I'll fucking kill you. Fucking kill you too, you fucking idiot.
I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm just a boy and I like to eat cake. And I want all the cake. Give me your chocolate fucking cake. I'll eat you under the fucking table.
I'll tell you what I'll give you. Yeah. Because you've come at me so quietly and calmly. Yeah. I'll fucking kill you.
I'm just a kid. Fucking I'm just a kid, kid. I just want to eat.
You're gonna get away from this bunch of bull. You're fucked. Come here. I'm gonna grab my bench and jump into the bogeys. We're going into a new film. Till we meet again, Barnold. Goodbye.
What? It's a new film. Oh my god. It's a new film. It's The Predator. Oh my god. Holy shit. Two predators.
We gotta go. Don't worry. As long as we don't hold the weapon. They won't harm us. Okay? Can you hang onto that for a sec please? Yes. They only hunt for sport. So as long as we don't hold the weapon. We're gonna be...
Fuck! Holy shit. That was a close one. Bono. That was very very. Woah.
Do you hear that? It sounds like someone with...
Father? Bad?
Arnie! Argh! It's me Arnie. Bono Bortzenhager. Argh!
My daughter! Guys. We've been looking all over for you. Did Miss Fuck steal you? Yeah. Oh my god.
Argh! Then she put you in this film. Argh! Predator. Argh!
Okay. We gotta go before she gets here. Okay. Let's go.
I need a weapon to protect myself. Just kidding. All I need is these guns. And my fists.
Oh my god. Look who it is. Miss Fuck. Oh no. What the fuck are you doing here? Get back. Argh! I skipped. I...
Bet her. But what's going to affect her? I don't think I should bet her.
Bunch her in the bed.
I could never understood you, Arnie. You're so funny. Oh, by the way, you have a tumor. Just so you should know. I put up a battle boomer. You have a tumor. Bummer.
I'm fed. Quick, give me that gun. No, don't kill yourself yet. I will not let you. Well, Nazis, you're on me, miss. I'm going to bed you like my daughter said. Just kidding. Bang, bang, bang. You're dead. I live.
Haha. Arnie win. Yeah, Cookie Monster really came through at the end there. Saved the day.
Buy our merch. We have mango shirts. Is this enough justification for us to never do this again?
What are you doing? You got mango. It just doesn't look like you're eating it. It looks like you're gumming it. You're eating it?
Go as close to the mic and do that. That's so funny. This is what we deal with every day.
Load up Eliza's mouth of mango. Would you like some more mango? Yeah, please.
Just a bit more. Just a bit more, mate. Just a bit more in there, mate. Just a bit more. There you go. Just a bit more. Hang on. Just a bit more, mate. Just a bit more. Just a bit more in there. Just a bit more.
I got it in there. You got to get it in there. Do you want some? Yeah, I'd love some. No, here you go. Oh, no. Yum.
Quick shout out to Hoss. No, fuck Hoss. Adele cat. Stop shouting Hoss out. No, quick shout out to Hoss. No, shout out. No, shout out to Adele. You know why I shout out Hoss? Because that reminds me of Hoss. Fuck you, Hoss. Oh, Grace!
Bum Bum has taken my barter, Barnold Botzeneger. Sorry, what? Someone took Barnold Botzeneger? No. Someone took Barnold Botzeneger. No. Someone took Barnold Botzeneger.
My barter. Your barter?
Yeah. Your butler. Someone took your father. Yeah.
But because of the bees that constantly come out. It's a very common thing.
Please don't make butter by backseat. Backseat?
Well, Barnold, we'll help you find your father. And I think, you know, it's funny to do that. We've got to travel through all of these films to find out where he's been taken. Oh, no. So, Barnold, what's the first film we go to?
I think we go to Binder Bart and Bop. Oh, Kindergarten Cup. We're going to go to the Kindergarten Cup. Let's go through the cracker milk portal.
Yeah. Oh, my. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Elias died. I'm a little kindergartner. And it's a little kindergartner, Elias.
Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm good.
I like to play with blocks. You like to play with blocks? Whoa. What do you like to make with those blocks? Bigger blocks.
Hey. Yeah. I'm going to cut that. Bo, beep it in. Have you been my barter? Whoa, look, it's a kindergartner teacher. Hey, there.
It's Miss Fuck. Hey, Miss Fuck, we've got a question for you.
We're looking for Barnold's father. Have you seen him? You might know him from such quotes as, It is barter boomer. You heard that before, right? Did you hear him say that recently?
How do you know? How do you know that?
Miss Fuck, it seems like you're hiding something. I'm not hiding anything. Do you know where Arnold is? Nope.
Shut your damn mouth.
Both of us, little boy. What's happening? I'm scared. Little boy. I'm scared if I say anything.
Oh no, she's gone. Oh my God. Shut your damn mouth. Oh my God.
No, he's just a child. I'm just a child.
Fucking kill him, please kill him. Don't kill him. Don't do it. Fucking kill him.
That would be the boo. We need to talk to other beaches. Teachers.
From other films.
The dilda. Of course.
Miss Honey. Miss Bunny. All right, let's go. Look, it's Miss Honey. The sweet teacher. Hey, I'm Miss Honey. I'm a sweet teacher. Miss Bunny. Honey is part of my name. Miss Bunny.
Have you been my barter, barter, bozernager? I might have.
What the fuck's going on here? Oh no, it's Michael. He's a church of bulls. What the fuck's going on here? Nothing, I swear. It's...
You fucking bitch. No. I told you not to talk to Barnold. And you're fucking talking to Barnold. Just take it out on me, not the kids. I fucking hate kids. You, Matilda. You fucking cunt. Oh, you make me fucking angry.
I'm gonna use my mind power. You gotta talk to me first.
Shut the fuck up. She's my daughter. Shut the fuck up.
Do you have any cake?
I fucking hate you. Miss Bunny. Yo, who the fuck is that? It's fucking Barnold. We gotta butt into the boogie. Fuck. Get into the fucking boogie.
Fucking kill you, Miss Honey. I'll fucking kill you. I'm gonna use my mind powers to make your head explode. I'll fucking kill you. Fucking kill you too, you fucking idiot.
I'm just a boy and I like to eat cake and I want all the cake. Give me a chocolate fucking cake. I'll eat you under the fucking table. I'll tell you what I'll give you. Because you've come at me so quietly and calmly, dear. I'll fucking kill you.
I'm just a kid, fucking. I'm just a kid, kids. I just want to eat.
We got a bit of pain from Miss Bunchful. You're fucked. Come here. I'm gonna burn my beds and jump into the boogie. We're going into a new film. Till we meet again, Barnold. Good bye.
Oh my god, it's a new film. It's The Predator. Oh my god. Holy shit. Two predators.
We're all bound. We gotta go. Don't worry. As long as we don't hold the weapon, they won't harm us. Can you hang onto that for a sec, please? Yes. They only hunt for sport, so as long as we don't hold the weapon, we're gonna be o- Fuck!
Holy shit, that was a close one. Oh no, that was very, very.
Whoa, do you hear that? Do you hear that? It sounds like someone with- Father?
Bad? Arnie! Argh! It's me! Argh! My daughter! Guys! Argh! Guys, we've been looking all over for you! Did Miss Fox steal you? Yeah! Oh my god, that's so- Argh! Then she put you in this film! Argh! Predator! Ay!
Okay, we gotta go before she gets here. Okay! Let's go!
I need a weapon to protect myself. Just kidding, all I need is these guns. And my fists.
Oh my god, look who it is! Miss Fuck. Oh no. What the fuck are you doing here? Get back! I was skipped! Ay!
Bet her, barter! Bet her! Well, let's don't affect her! I don't think I should bet her!
Punch her in the bed!
I could never understood you, Arnie! You're so funny! Oh, by the way, you have a tumour. Just so you should know! Badaboom! You have a tumour! Badaboom! I'm bad!
Quick, give me that gun! No, don't kill yourself yet! I will not let you! Well... Nice, it's you and me, miss. I'm gonna bet you like my daughter said! Just kidding!
Bang!
You dead! I live! Haha! Arnie win! Yeah, Cookie Monster really came through at the end there. Save the day!
Buy our merch! We have mango shirts!
Is this enough justification for us to never do this again? What are you doing? You got mango! It just doesn't look like you're eating it, it looks like you're gumming it. You're eating it? Go as close to the mic and do that. This is what we deal with every day. Just load up Eliza's mouth of mango. Would you like some more mango? Yeah, please.
Just a bit more. Just a bit more, mate. Just a bit more in there, mate. Just a bit more. There you go. Just a bit more. Hang on. Just a bit more, mate. Just a bit more. Just a bit more in there. Just a bit more.
I got it in there. I got it. You gotta get it in there.
Do you want some? Yeah, I'd love some.
No, I need to go. Hahahaha! No! |
cracked | the_7_most_mind_blowing_foreign_tv_moments_cracked_tv | If you're wondering why we're jabbering nonsensical, it's because today's topic is seven clips of crazy foreigners doing god knows what. Sure, we could painstakingly translate what these people are saying. Or even do some light googling to find the perfectly reasonable explanations behind their seemingly bizarre behaviors. But isn't it more fun just to laugh at them for their differences? That question was rhetorical.
Shooting a talk show live is no picnic. You've got a national audience watching you and just waiting for you to make some simple, tiny mistake. And that's exactly what happened to this poor guy when he went on a talk show in, you know, one of the unibrow countries. Did you catch it? It was right when he was rolling around like a human skittlepin. See? When you do that kind of move, you gotta point the toe. And you're all over the disco floor. Frankly, I gotta call this the worst Saturday night fever remake yet. Man, I'm just glad my talk show is taped and edited so we don't have to deal with problems like that.
Deal with problems like that.
Oh no. Moving on. You're about to see a video of a guy kicking a burger off a pike held by a woman who probably dreamed of doing more with her life. I don't know what this guy could possibly be saying that would make that make any more sense, but what I do know is when he puts on those glasses, lays down a beat, and lapses into broken English, magic happens. Then comes the traditional debriefing slash near make-out session. Should we have a good time? Yeah, boy. How was it to kick the burger?
Hot. They do.
And of course, no burger kicking would be complete without the silent judgment of Professor Burger. Okay, to be honest, I'm not sure the next video even belongs on this list, as I defy anyone to actually translate it. Seriously, I plugged this into Babblefish and all I got was this.
For someone who sounds like a retarded engine failing to turn over, he seems pretty damn determined to make sure we don't mispronounce the word chakaron as macaron. Yeah, macaron knows chakaron. Among his other concerns, perfecting crane style and almost-but-not-quite-biting-women-on-the-ass.
For no strangers to heated political debates, Eric and I, but you know what often sees something like we caught today in a Romanian TV discussion, oh, she drops the water, and then boom! Here's the water back, oh, I love that look. And then she's just like, ugh, really? Did you go there? Well, our valiant American reporters never stopped putting the words of the mean girls into the mouths of Romanian officials long enough to explain what's actually going on. They do at least replay the money shot over and over, except when you replay it over and over again, you smug bastards. And one more time, what was that, five times we've shown it now?
As far as the internet's concerned, Japan's main exports might as well be anime, weird pornography, and crazy. Okay, in a normal trailer, this is the part where a bunch of roughneck marines would pile out of the truck and roam around the desert shooting terrorists. And unfortunately, that's basically what happens here. Okay, so what's it called? Blood Bunny? A Wild Hare? War and Peace? Oh, right, that makes more sense.
The Stanford Prison Experiment proved that mob mentality can drive normal people to acts of unspeakable violence. This clip of a boy singing to a rejected Keebler elf proves that it can also get people to applaud pedophilia. What the hell is the matter with you? Storm the stage! Seriously, what is going through their heads?
That seems odd. Well, I'm sure it's all part of the show. Someone would do something, right? Yeah, it's just me. Okay, no, that's definitely not right. Wait, who used to say that? Kevin Meany? But not right.
Yeah, he was funny. He had that joke about the pants. Looking good, son.
Crazy is a relative term. To some people, skydiving's crazy. To others, it's perfectly normal. Is it possible then to actually define insanity? Yes, yes it is.
Don't blame Japan. I'm fairly certain Japanese people would run screaming from the sets of their crazy game shows if this guy showed up. The video appears to be instructions on how to cook wild mushrooms. And against my better judgment, I actually did get a Japanese friend to translate some of it.
Well, that does it for this week's episode. And remember, if you want to help me pick next week's topic, just translate what Clippy sang and type it up in the comments. I've been your host, Troyed Michael Swain, allowing me to play you out. Thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_really_gov_blagojevich_refusing_to_resign_snl | Despite his recent arrest on Federal corruption charges and calls from the Illinois Attorney General for him to step down, Governor Rob Legoyevich has yet to resign, which brings us to a segment we like to call Really with Seth and Amy. Really, Legoyevich?
Really. you're not gonna resign. Because you should resign. Even Illinois politicians are saying you should resign. And when Illinois politicians think you're too corrupt, you're too corrupt.
That's like Amy Winehouse telling you to go to Rehab.
Really. And really, it's 2008.
Did you not know that people tap phones? Really? you never seen a Tv show or a film? when you're doing something illegal, you need to speak in code. when I call up my weed dealer and I ask for $50 worth of circus tickets, you know what he doesn't give me?
Circus tickets.
Really? Really.
And really, how did you think you'd get away with this? George Ryan, the governor before you, was in jail for pretty much the same thing. when people are burned, they become vigilant.
Really. Your friend once brought a girl home, who turned out to be a dude. so every time he meets a girl, you can bet he checks for an Adam's apple. Really. really. Really. That really happened to Seth's friend. Really.
And you know what? it's beside the point.
But the hair. the hair. the hair. Really. it looks like you're wearing a toupee that's also wearing a toupee. Really. it's like you have a pro-seeding hairline. is that really your hair, or did you grow out your eyebrows and comb them up? really.
Really. it's like someone of those fisher price people.
Really. The first time I saw you, I thought you were walking away. really. really. But go away, bitch. you're supposed to put the Rogaine on the crown, not the forehead. really, I thought you had a bad temper, but maybe your head is just hot from being under that Bearskin rug. Really. I mean, really.
Wow. This has been really with Seth and Amy. |
Subsets and Splits