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TheOnion | Increasingly_Worried_Man_Hasn_t_Yet_Come_Across_Any_Guacamole_In_Burrito | With each successive bite failing to relieve his anxieties, increasingly worried man Dylan Hawks told reporters today that he has yet to come across any trace of guacamole in his burrito, despite having specifically requested it when ordering. No, there definitely wasn't any left there. Cheese, beans, chorizo, oh man I hope they didn't forget. Hawks has continued to maintain hope that there may still be an undiscovered sliver of avocado somewhere in his tortilla. However, with his fears for the meal mounting, Hawks has reportedly considered asking the cashier for a refund at various points while eating the burrito. The thing is, I don't think there's any guacamole in here. You know, I think I would know if there was. If you had a burrito and it was missing cheese, you might not notice it because there's sour cream, but guacamole is completely different. I just don't know how I wouldn't have tasted it by now. Oh Christ, I'm almost done with this thing. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | the_invention_of_the_most_underrated_modern_technology_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Fright presents stuff that must have happened. Good husband. Here. It is time for me to take my stroll. Forsooth, my wife, I pray that thou doth don a bonnet so that thine porcelain skin already so ravaged by the sun does not become even more ravaged. Off you go. Your care flatters thee.
Cecilia!
We must make haste. We have but two hours. Oh, my God. And I must rightly, my victim, turn about, that I might have some passionate, passionate love, Cecilia. Oh, turn up, even stress. I've been waiting.
Strune about the floor. No. And thine legs do go to the place where they meet thine ears. Don't drink to this in the back.
You kind of have to do every single part. I figured that. I knew that. Do every single part.
Ah! Ha-ha! Wait! Got it! Oh, you!
My love, my love. Just as my erection was about to fade, it did not. God wounds! How many fucking strings does this thing need? Cecilia! You've been telling the Lord why your sister's away. Yes, yes, yes. It's a terrible scandal.
Now come and be of use. We'll do quadrants, okay? Just take care of me. We'll do quadrants so that we can unscrew, okay?
There's a bit of a sheep shank in the top here. There's some sort of sailor's knot at each one.
Honey, you've been feasting on this day. No, we have not been feasting.
Why does my effect sight look over large? How could one possibly tell?
Sweet sister! To what do we owe the grace of your flushed and heaving presence? Beloved wife, it was a brief, frightening dress fire, but it's under control in the dress system. It's fine. You know it happens. Everyone, thank you for your concern. Cecilia is obviously fine. Yes, but let's never think of it again, obviously. We just have some tea and fan ourselves while we chat and blabber. I have sent several clumpets to show you the answer. It's just a regular old dress fire.
You're the worst. You're literally the worst.
It must have happened. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, you bad girl. You, oh, you've been a very bad girl.
Found it! Hey, guys. Everybody has been so sweet saying that they want to see me in sketches, and I agree. Cracked? It's time to listen to the people. Put me in more sketches. Come on, guys. Apply the pressure. Make this campaign a reality. It's up to us. Subscribe for me. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_senior_python_developer_part2 | I always tell my students the way you make your project shoot to the moon is by writing it in Jupiter. Professional people with PhDs on a mission to make great discoveries use an IDE called Jupiter like they're doing a school assignment.
Where's the Zen of Python? Yes we use the notebooks for our students but not for our production code. I mean for production code we also don't use Python. Or do we?
Of course we only do our research in Python. Our prediction model is then running in C. Back in the years I thought AI was scary. Data science required a PhD and computer vision was magic. Now it's all just five lines of code in Python. Where companies use it for data science? All of them. Nobody likes MATLAB or R or SAS.
Let's not mention Julia. No no no this is not for recording.
We don't use Jupiter. No. |
cracked | the_7_most_horrifying_birth_control_methods_from_history | Aww man, you know when you want to have sex but you don't want to have babies? Like all the time, right? Well that's how most of us feel, you know, when we're not trying to have babies. And that's the case for most people throughout history.
But your baby making bits don't listen when you ask nicely. Uh, no thanks babies, maybe later, you know, if ever.
So throughout history we have done crazy things to try and stop ourselves from getting pregnant. Here are a few of those crazy things. Get ready to cringe and instinctively cover your junk while watching this video.
That's right, back in ancient Greece, a man named Serenas of Ephesus.
Really? Sore-anus? Is this a joke? No? Okay. Uh, who is a gynecologist? Really?
A gynecologist named Sore-anus? Okay, someone throw up a page so that they show that it's a real name because I didn't make this up.
Alright, so Serenas recommended that women do the squat and sneeze after sex. So people would somehow make themselves sneeze, you know, like with pepper or a feather. I don't really know. And squat to try to get those baby juices shooting out of you after intercourse so that they wouldn't be able to stay too long and make a baby. I can only imagine how popular allergy season was to the general public. Anyway, it wasn't a very good birth control method.
This method dates back to the Talmud, where women would cut a lemon in half and put it in their cuters. Kind of like a diaphragm. The lemon juices were supposed to kill the sperm, and the lemon rind was supposed to stop the little sperm survivors. Apparently, Casanova used to insert lemon rinds up the ladies before they did the nasty nasty. Imagine how lemon feels when it squirts in your eye and stings, and then imagine how it feels not in your eye.
Oh, no thank you. That's right, the stuff that makes people go crazy mad hatter style?
Well, in ancient China, women would heat it up and drink it to prevent pregnancy, which I guess sort of worked because, you know, it causes organ failure and death. It's hard to make a baby when your insides have been poisoned. Ancient Egyptian women used crocodile poop mixed with honey, adding honey does not make it less gross, but that's what they did, and smeared it inside. Hypothetically, it was supposed to affect the alkaline in the lady's vagina so that it wasn't a nurturing place for sperm.
So everyone would have sex with a nice mush of crocodile poop, sandwiched in the middle. What a f***ing threesome.
Back in ancient Greece and ancient Rome, women would drink water leftover from a blacksmith or really anywhere with a nice tang of lead, but the blacksmith water was the easiest leady option. You know, because it also kills your insides. Even during World War I, women would sometimes purposely take jobs working with lead-based materials in factories to get a little free birth control. And poison. Because, let's not forget, lead is poison, but at least it's not a baby.
Before summer's eve, Coca-Cola had the market on douches. In the 1950s, women would shake it up and spray it up after getting it up with their guys. It was believed that the mix of sugar and carbonic acid would explode the sperm and that the carbonation would get it all up in her cha-cha.
Coca-Cola, you're not even good for our teeth, so I can't imagine what you did to the lady bits. Or the polar bears, for that matter.
It's not just ladies who had to deal with the stupid crazy birth control, although honestly, it was mostly ladies who got the most deadly birth controls. Before the modern latex condom was made in 1919, guys were using alternative materials for condoms 15,000 years prior. But guys had some crazy-ass condoms.
Animal intestines, animal bladders, even tortoise shells. Ouch! How is that pleasant for either party? So condoms really consisted of whatever animal parts would fit around a peener.
There are a ton of other crazy birth controls that have been used in the past, but I only get a few minutes to tell you about a little bit of the crazy. And at the end of the day, people didn't want babies until they wanted babies. So the same as today. Although there could still be more birth control methods for guys, but I guess Soranus didn't think about that. He just wanted us to jump up and down a ton. Yeah, maybe Soranus was a little butt hurt because he couldn't have babies.
You're fired. What? No. No, I had to make that pun or it would have poisoned me from the inside out. Come on. No, I disagree. Please, come on, you're wasting your time.
Let's go. Was worth it.
Okay, so, no, Sorin, I want Sorin for this. What do you mean he can't?
Okay, uh, Cody? What's Cody doing? Like and subscribe if you like this video and also comment below on why I shouldn't be fired, okay? Yeah, Cody. Yeah, get Cody down here. Alright, good. |
TheOnion | Climate_Self_Conscious_About_All_The_Changes_That_Are_Happening_To_It_Right_Now | 7.1 billion people demonstrate in favor of global warming, Obama now sleeps with a Louisville slugger under his bed, and a song is deemed good enough for a man to put his girlfriend on his shoulders. Overpowering you with news until all but the slightest trace of your identity is lost, this is the Onion Week in Review. Calling the rapid shifts in temperature nothing short of humiliating, the planet's climate admitted to reporters this week that it was becoming self-conscious about all the changes that are happening to it right now. Sources confirm that the global meteorological system has grown especially embarrassed about the dangerous storms breaking out across its surface, adding that its inability to control how rapidly its ice caps are deteriorating had become incredibly awkward. Top NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced his resignation this week following the disclosure of an email in which he made disparaging statements about the moon. Saying he was truly sorry for his words, which he called inappropriate, untrue, and hurtful, Bolden nonetheless stepped down in the face of widespread public outcry over comments which labeled the Earth's sole satellite as useless and a barren eyesore. NASA administrators confirmed that they are currently dispatching a probe to deliver a formal apology to the moon.
Saying that a few images of displaced refugees would probably do the trick, all 317 million Americans admitted this week that they could probably be talked into another war. Citizens nationwide told reporters that if they were to see a blurry satellite image of potential nuclear weapons or footage of an evil militant group, they could easily see themselves getting on board with another major military effort. I'm not saying I'd be gung-ho about it right away, but if they called it something like a concentrated military operation or something other than war at first, I could see myself warming up to the idea. Honestly, just hearing a top official on TV say something like patriotic duty might clinch it.
And in this week's Op-Ed pages, an area man finds it's just his luck to lose thousands at the blackjack tables every night for the past few weeks. In other news, a senator tries submitting a rejected bill to the Canadian Parliament. What mom would have wanted is evolving over the course of funeral planning. And a new report finds you're actually saving money with a Franklin Skate Centre roller rink membership. So that's it, huh? After ten news stories, two minutes, and countless memories, you're just going to close this browser window and leave? Of course you are, you coward. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | why_star_wars_is_secretly_terrifying_for_women_after_hours | The logistics of warp speed, no? The tactical stupidity of putting your base on a monster-filled ice planet. Lando Calrissian as an ideal version of Machiavelli's Prince.
No to both. Okay, something about Star Wars. Jawas is a metaphor for the Armenian genocide... somehow. No. That's a good idea. No, it's not. If it's possible to have sex with someone across the room, he's an earner to force. Sub-question, is that technically cheating if you're in a relationship when it happens? No. Okay, so what specifically- Michael also talked about Star Wars, but he's making us guess the exact aspect. How improbable it is that Imperial crew members have British accents. Ooh, nay. Something about how Chewie can fly a ship like a man, but doesn't have to wear pants like an animal. No.
That was enough. Okay, I'll give you a hint. My wiener is- Those women! Nailed it. Okay, Soren and Dan.
When your kids were their Star Wars characters that you wanted to grow up to be, role models? Han Solo drives an awesome spaceship, gets the girl, badass space cowboy for hire. Yeah, but Han's off the table. Okay, Luke. He grew up on a farm in poverty, but through training and discipline, he learned to be one of the most powerful men in the universe. It's the American dream. Tatooinean dream. But Luke's out, too.
Yoda, he's wise and badass despite an unfortunate baldness. Obi-Wan, he's an immortal Jedi knight. Akbar, he's wily. Both.
Now, Katie, what Star Wars character did you want to grow up to be? Leia. And Leia's off the table. You can't think of anybody because literally every other female character is a dancing space alien.
Yikes. Mm-hmm.
In Star Wars, a boy can grow up to be a knight or a wizard, but if you're a girl, you have one good role model. One good sexy role model. But you better be born a princess or good at space hooking because those are your options.
Or you could be Luke's aunt, Baru, but what did she ever do? And if you say she murdered the Emperor's son or brought Jesus to the Jawas or any other frickin' thing that starts with any extended universe... Okay, let's name all of the women in the Holy Trilogy. Daniel? Leia, Baru, Jabba's bluish slave girl, the formerly animatronic currently CG Max Rebo singer, and woman who gives the rebels their instructions in Return of the Jedi. Whatever her name is.
The majority of those being strippers, that's like three and a half women across three movies. I watched three and a half women strip.
Still better than just one black guy in the entire universe. What about Vader's voice? He's shy. One and a half. I'd watch one and a half black men strip.
Don't say that. I'm sorry, are we just gonna pretend like Dan doesn't know the name of the other character? The point being Lucas. He's sexist!
His ideal government would be a phallocracy. A phallocracy? Is that what France has? Phallocracy. It's a government that's run exclusively by men.
So, George Lucas' ideal future, you've got all these species and races living harmoniously. Jawas, Ewoks, fish monsters, people, all working together, but almost no women. Does George Lucas want to get rid of women? Well, he might not want to get rid of them, but he certainly does have some profound issues with women.
I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
You put up Leia as a good role model, but even she is a terrible role model. Oh, well, Leia kind of kicks a lot of ass. Yeah, she's all feisty and gold boobs. True, but let's talk about Jedi for a second. She saves Han and Jedi. In the middle of a rebellion, a rebellion she is leading because, oh, that's right, two movies ago, the Empire blew up her home planet. How does that not command your respect and or arouse? During the Empire, crushing evil, avenging her home planet, all of this took a back seat so she could waste time on this impossibly convoluted plot to break Han out of Jawas.
Ooh, it sucks that my home planet got destroyed, but I'm over that now. I'm nothing without my man.
That's a good Leia. What if George Washington had abandoned his troops to go on a side mission to rescue Martha during the Revolutionary War? Did that happen? You're the only one that would know. Wait, wasn't that what the Patriot was about? Yes, she goes to rescue her boyfriend, but he's part of the rebellion. She's not turning against her gender. Nope. Remember, Leia wasn't the only slave girl at Jawas. That's true. There were two or three more.
Ninety percent of Lucas' female cast. And what does Leia do after she gets Han out?
Lows up the palace! Oh!
And everyone in it, including Jawas, and yes, all of those poor slave girls. She invaded a kingdom, stole his property, and destroyed Jawas. She's a terrorist. Was Jawas a king?
Hutt. He's a hutt. Do we not have huts in society?
I think he's just a crime boss. Like the slime godfather? Greedo Corleone. He's right.
That wasn't a point. No, Daniel.
Leia abandons her people to stand behind her man, a lying, rude, rightfully imprisoned thief. Vintage hug. And once he's saved, it's all eat shit, slave girls. You get to die chained to the corpse of a big slug and salacious crump. And she is Lucas' only non-stripping female character. Abandons her people, gets kidnapped, and needs to be rescued by a bunch of men like a cliche damsel in distress. Great role model, Lucas.
You know what might not actually hold up? Lon Mothmaw wasn't a stripper.
I knew you knew her name. We all knew he knew her name.
Why would you pretend not to know it? What benefit does that give you? I wanted to be able to bring it out when it was like, ooh. Yeah, was it worth it? I mean, giving that at the last second there?
Turns out, no. Based on a monster-filled ice planet. Lando Calrissian as an ideal version of Machiavelli's prince. No, to both. Okay, something about Star Wars. Jawas is a metaphor for the Armenian genocide.
Somehow. No. That's a good idea. No, it's not. If it's possible to have sex with someone across the room, he's an only the force. Sub-question, is that technically cheating if you're in a relationship when it happens? No.
Okay, so what specifically- Michael wants to talk about Star Wars, but he's making us guess the exact aspect. How improbable it is that Imperial crew members have British accents. Ooh, nay. Something about how Chewie can fly a ship like a man, but doesn't have to wear pants like an animal. No, that was a no. Okay, I'll give you a hint. My wiener is- Women. Nailed it. Okay, Soren and Dan.
When your kids, were there Star Wars characters that you wanted to grow up to be? Role models.
Han Solo drives an awesome spaceship, gets the girl. Badass space cowboy for hire. Yeah, but Han's off the table. Okay, Luke, you grew up on a farm in poverty, but through training and discipline, you learned to be one of the most powerful men in the universe. It's the American dream. Tatooinean dream. But Luke's out, too. Yoda, he's wise and badass despite an unfortunate baldness. Obi-Wan, he's an immortal Jedi knight.
Akbar, he's wily. Both.
Now, Katie, what Star Wars character did you want to grow up to be? Leia. And Leia's off the table. You can't think of anybody, because literally every other female character is a dancing space alien.
Yikes. Mm-hmm.
In Star Wars, a boy can grow up to be a knight or a wizard, but if you're a girl, you have one good role model, one good sexy role model. But you better be born a princess or good at space hooking, because those are your options. Or you could be Luke's Aunt Baru, but what did she ever do? And if you say she murdered the Emperor's son or brought Jesus to the Jawas is there any other frickin' thing that starts with any extended universe? Okay, let's name all of the women in the Holy Trilogy. Daniel? Leia, Baru, Jabba's bluish slave girl, the formerly animatronic currently CG Max Rebo singer, and woman who gives the rebels their instructions in Return of the Jedi, whatever her name is.
The majority of those being strippers, that's like three and a half women across three movies. I watch three and a half women strip.
Still better than just one black guy in the entire universe. What about Vader's voice? Touche. One and a half. I watch one and a half black men strip. Don't say that. I'm sorry, are we just gonna pretend like Dan doesn't know the name of the other character? The point being Lucas.
He's sexist. His ideal government would be a phallocracy. Phallocracy? Is that what France has? Phallocracy. It's a government that's run exclusively by men.
So, George Lucas' ideal future, you've got all these species and races living harmoniously. Jawas, Ewoks, fish monsters, people, all working together, but almost no women. Does George Lucas want to get rid of women? Well, he might not want to get rid of them, but he certainly does have some profound issues with women.
I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
You put up Leia as a good role model, but even she is a terrible role model. Oh, well, Leia kind of kicks a lot of ass. Yeah, she's all feisty and gold boobs. True, but let's talk about Jedi for a second. She saves Han and Jedi. In the middle of a rebellion, a rebellion she is leading because, oh, that's right, two movies ago, the Empire blew up her home planet. How does that not command your respect and or arousal? Boarding the Empire, crushing evil, avenging her home planet, all of this took a back seat so she could waste time on this impossibly convoluted plot to break Han out of Jawas.
Ooh, it sucks that my home planet got destroyed, but I'm over that now. I'm nothing without my man.
That's a good Leia. What if George Washington had abandoned his troops to go on a side mission to rescue Martha during the Revolutionary War? Did that happen? You're the only one that would know. Wait, wasn't that what the Patriot was about? Yeah, she goes to rescue her boyfriend, but he's part of the rebellion. She's not turning against her gender. Nope. Remember, Leia wasn't the only slave girl at Jawas. That's true. There were two or three more.
Ninety percent of Lucas's female cast. And what does Leia do after she gets Han out?
Wows up the palace! Oh!
And everyone in it, including Jawas, and yes, all of those poor slave girls. She invaded a kingdom, stole his property, and destroyed Jawas. She's a terrorist. Was Jawas a king?
A hut. He's a hut. Do we not have huts in society?
I think he was just a crime boss. Like the slime godfather? Greedo Corleone.
He's right. That wasn't a point. No, Daniel.
Leia abandons her people to stand behind her man, a lying, rude, rightfully imprisoned thief. Vintage hugs. And once he's safe, it's all eat shit, slave girls. You get to die chained to the corpse of a big slug in salacious crumbs. And she is Lucas's only non-stripping female character, abandons her people, gets kidnapped, and needs to be rescued by a bunch of men like a cliche damsel in distress. Great role model, Lucas. You know what might not actually hold up? Mon Mothmaw wasn't a stripper.
I knew you knew her name. We all knew he knew her name.
Why would you pretend not to know it? What benefit does that give you? Well, I wanted to be able to bring it out when it was like, ooh. Yeah, was it worth it? I mean, giving that at the last second there? Turns out, no. |
TheOnion | After_1_Week_In_New_York_Tim_Tebow_Already_A_Gay_Homeless_Crack_Addict | You're made of wood, but you don't need to build them. They just are wood. You're just saying that because you're too lazy to build a tree.
All right, we've wasted enough time in the science corner. Now comb your brows and look decent. It's time for the face-off.
Mere days after arriving in New York City, Tim Tebow is homeless, addicted to crack, and knee-deep in a whirlwind romance with a man known only as Javier. New York's plunged Tim Tebow into a dark vortex of drugs and unprotected sensual discovery. Now he's a perfect fit for the city and the Jets. Tebow's dropped pounds of muscle by sleeping in shelters and eating powdered soup mix. He should be studying a playbook instead of becoming the hottest power bottom on the Hudson Dots. Jets team officials say Tebow's throwing tighter, sharper passes since becoming a homosexual.
Plus, all that crack has made his delivery a lot faster. It's a wake-up call for one Mark Cling Sanchez. Yeah, he's gonna have to party a lot harder in and out of the sheets if he still wants to command that locker room. Picking of commanding partiers, Tiger Woods is back on top and hoping to ride the momentum from his recent victory all the way to an eighth-place finish at the Masters. His first PGA Tour win in two and a half years electrified the golf world at the prospect of Woods limping past the qualifying rounds and slowly laboring his way to the middle of the leaderboard. At the Masters, he'll be cut after the second round and then blame his caddy for his bad life. The lower part of the sky's the limit for Tiger. He's gonna be all over the back pages of golf magazines, flush with cash from TIA endorsements and surrounded by women with decent breasts and ugly faces.
Yeah, it would be great to be allowed to have a car again. All right, on to bat ball. The Mets had more bad news than usual today when manager Terry Collins announced at a press conference that the Mets are questionable for opening day. It's doubtful that they're even questionable with their injuries. It's at best a short home stand in May before the Mets undergo surgery and shoot for a return in 2013. The Houston Astros shredded their hamstrings last June, but they hobbled out on the field every game and managed to almost finish the season. The Mets are a 50-year-old club made up of torn muscles, strained groins and flu-like symptoms. I say they retire. So, what? They're too hurt to lift a bat? Gun it out for 2012, then move to the AL, become a designated hitting team.
No! Never drag out your season or life. When it's over, it's over. Just go ahead and end it.
Don't tell me how to die, I know how to die. Believe it. And believe this?
That's a face-off. When we come back, we'll take a look at the history of live televised fatalities in sports, a category that strangely includes no sportscasters yet. Kenny, what are you talking about? |
dropout | how_aubrey_plaza_became_grumpy_cat | Most people know me as an actress and a comedian, but I've been attached as a producer on Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever. The big question is, who will play Grumpy Cat? We've been through a couple actresses, Angelina Jolie, Julie Roberts, Queen Latifah, Oprah, the Olsen twins, Ellen, George Lopez, Meg Ryan, Kesha, Emma Stone, Jeff Foxworthy.
And finally, we got our girl, Sophia Vergara. We lost Sophia. I'm sorry, what? Sophia's busy. She's busy?
You could play Grumpy Cat. That's our only option? Oh good, more cat food. The line is sarcastic, you're not really enjoying the cat food. Oh good, more cat food. Like your grumpier voice? Oh good, more cat food.
Do your thing. What do you mean my thing? You know the thing people know you for? I don't understand, I don't have a thing. Can you just talk into the mic the way you're talking to me right now?
I need some time alone with the cat. Excuse me. I had fun once, it was awful. You're right, less southern. Subject appears cat-like. Four paws. Why are you grumpy? Teach me. Meow, meow, meow. Responds to cat food. I'm ready. Oh good, more cat food. That was great. Good for you grumpy. Okay, we're gonna have to take it again.
Deck the halls with boughs of hogs. Deck the halls, deck me in the face.
Welcome to Grumpy Cat's worst Christmas ever. You don't have to watch it, but if you do, you might be treated to car chases, explosions, boom, and Aubrey Plaza as Grumpy Cat. This is the best Christmas ever. Go ahead, ignore the title of my movie. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_types_of_films_that_inspire_George_Miller_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | What are the films that keep you inspired? Oh, gosh. Any film that I see, wherever it's from, where I lose myself in the film, where I'm not sitting outside of it. And some films I enjoy purely as watching it in a more sort of, you know, cerebral way. But a film which sweeps me up carries me on a wave of experience. So, you know, you have them, and you never forget them. They come along occasionally. I remember hearing Pinocchio as one of your favourites. Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Well, that's a really great, the Disney Pinocchio, based on the Italian story, is a fantastic allegory. It's just about, everything about growing up and life. And it's an amazing rite of passage story. It's biblical. It's all about, you know, Jiminy Cricket representing the good and the bad, the temptations, memorable characters. It's as big as any biblical story. It's a wonderful, wonderful allegory.
I have to agree with you. George, thank you so much for talking to me. My absolute pleasure. Yes, thank you. Thank you. Bit of a dream come true, I'll be honored. |
cracked | classic_movies_with_the_misogyny_censored | I consent to this. Have you ever been with a girl for it? I sit next to them in my home economics class all the time. Oh, well, maybe someday. Hey, will you please check my breast for a lump? Early detection is important. You must be the famous Pepper Potts. Indeed I am.
After all these years, Tony still has you picking up the dry cleaning. I do anything and everything that Mr. Stark requires, including occasionally taking out the trash. Which I will do now, because your choice and frequency of sexual partners is none of my business.
What's your name? What's wrong? What is it? You can't speak?
Oh. Well, that's unfortunate. See ya. Come, dog. We're leaving this mutine alone.
Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
There's a bee on you, man! Scary! It's okay to be scared whether you are a man or a woman. I was scared too! Stop that.
You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrel in your life. I happen to like nice men.
Good, I give you permission to kiss me now. Hold up, hold up, hold up. You'll answer this question. Are you a virgin? Yeah, not since I was 10. It all makes sense! You're a virgin! Shut up. I respect your decision and have nothing else to add. You will have sex when you're ready.
Now let's get back to this game of poker. In a first place tie with the New York Yankees on the strength, I'm afforded to win over the White Sox in Chicago today!
What's wrong is I can't touch my boyfriend without killing him. Other than that, I'm wonderful. Hey, I don't think that's fair.
Have I ever put any pressure on you? You're a guy, Bobby. Your mind's on the own one thing. At a time, usually based on your given circumstances or emotional state, much like other humans. Sean, if the professor calls about that job, just tell him, sorry.
I had to go see about it. Well, men. Well. Tell me more, tell me more. Did she put up a fight? What?
No, no. If she would have, I'd have stopped immediately. Yeah, no means no, Kenicki. I'm sorry to do this, but you're out of the T-Birds. Oh, come on. It was a joke.
Still, you're contributing to a systemic problem that marries sexuality to violence. Men need to stand up to other men, or the cycle will continue.
Hi, everyone. Thank you for watching that video. I'm not going to tell you to like or subscribe because you're obviously varsity at YouTube by now. It's been out for long enough that you know how this all works. You can always comment. Of course, you know that too. You can pretty much do whatever you want. You can just wait for this to end and for the next video to load because, you know, there's autoplay now, although I don't know in the future if YouTube will continue to do that. Obviously, the more that I talk, the less chance there is that you'll be able to advance to the next video because there's so much time that I'm taking up right now. You should probably actually just pick something from the rail next to me. It's a lot easier. |
cracked | why_the_jedi_are_the_galaxy_s_biggest_idiots_after_hours | I don't see where I went wrong. It's one letter away from Jedi. Judo is not one letter away from Jedi.
I'd argue with you, but that guy kicks my brain now it's resting. Okay, that guy was 13.
And how many of those classes did you sign up for? Who signed up?
I just showed up in my Jedi costume. It's not a costume, it's a geek. Then why were they all dressed like Obi-Wan minus the cape, which was brown, awful color.
Pass the piece. Right there.
Anyway, didn't do it for exercise. I did it because, you know, I think I'd make a pretty good Jedi. Oh, probably the concussion talking, but at least you're aiming high. Jedi are the best heroes. No, Jedi are idiots. I am aiming correctly for my station in life. Oh no. Jedi suck.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We are not doing this. Yeah, yeah. And if those yutzes can learn Force powers, I'm probably like three pajama fights away from being a Jedi who are s***. Nooooo!
Okay, the Star Wars movies are racist. They are sexist. They are robot slaveryist.
But I have got to keep liking Princess Leia. And, you know, the guy Jedi's, I guess. Never noticed how the Jedi can't seem to stick to one job.
Eastern? He's more machine than Dannah. That's kind of the same thing.
They're spread super thin. They're knights. They're monks. They're diplomats. They're teachers. They're detectives. They're secret agents.
The Jedi did pick a job. It's saving the galaxy. With which skill set? Obi and Qui are jacks of all trades, but Jedi masters of none.
I mean, look at the way they do detective stuff. Their investigative strategy usually revolves around, let's just try and get captured. They don't know how to travel incognito or not blow their own cover. And if they do manage to apprehend a suspect, they disarm them literally. Well, they probably don't learn all that cop stuff in Jedi school.
I mean, they start training the Jedi when they're baby age, ideally. I mean, that's a lot of stuff for a magic baby to take in. Why are we even training them as toddlers?
It clearly doesn't work.
Anakin and Luke are, objectively, the two most powerful Jedi of all time. And they both started when they were technically too old to train. Luke, hell, he was a teenager when he started. But after a few Yoda meals and X-Wing deadlifts, he was able to take down two Sith Lords himself. And Anakin killed a shitload of more trained Jedi. Come on. The prequel Jedi just got sucker punched by a phantom and by a hidden evil. That doesn't mean that the Jedi aren't hero geniuses doing everything that they can.
They're doing every random thing they can. Think about Qui-Gon, Jen. I tried, but I only ever see Brian Mills. In episode one, Qui-Gon was sent to settle a trade dispute. That was his mission. But instead, he ends up sneaking a fish monster into a palace, cheating on some pod races, stealing a kid because he's got high fate levels, and then leaving that kid's mom to die a slave. The Jedi Council's like, hey, would you go check on this trade negotiation? Make sure everything's going smoothly.
And he goes back like, surprise. I brought a kid you all hate. He's mine now. I'm going to keep him. Also, as far as that trade stuff goes.
Because bad movies have dumb stuff in them. Hence, bad movies.
But in the good Star Wars. No, yeah, in a new hope. Obi-Wan leads Luke straight into a trash compactor.
After years of not teaching the kid anything. And Luke spends most of his time getting swallowed by random monsters. And in the prequels and pre-sequels, Jedi constantly let their enemies escape from, and sometimes even win fights. Because they don't use guns. Because they became Jedi to play with swords. Well, they found a nerd rhythm.
I'll tell you what. My lightsaber hilt would have one of those wrist things on it, you know? So it wouldn't fall off from your wrist. Like what some GoPros have.
Exactly. Yeah, yeah. That way, I wouldn't, you know, even if I would be like, no. It's right here.
Lanyard.
The lightsaber does not maketh the man. It is the sensitivity to the Force. I mean, the Force makes the Jedi telekinetic.
Mind readers. And really friendly ghosts. Friendly, lazy ghosts. The Force ghosts show up like twice a movie. And they're clearly not interested in being helpful.
So what I told you was true. From a certain point of view. A certain point of view?
The f***ing galaxy's on the line, Riddler. And Force ghosts are clearly up to dick all. Otherwise, why would three of them RSVP yes to an Ewok party? Well, it's a ghost job. There probably aren't enough Jedi for eternity shifts. But there would be. If the Jedi would just nut up and do nut stuff.
It's a family movie. The sex happens off screen and on the internet.
No, it doesn't. Not for Jedi. Why? What happened to the internet? One step back for Soren.
The Jedi Code proper says Jedi aren't allowed to have sex. But the Jedi are powerful. Now, I refuse to live in a world where powerful people are discouraged from having sex with each other. Well, good thing we don't live in that world then.
In this case, and only this case. Because of some vague rules.
The Jedi are all busy putting training into each other when they should be putting padawans into each other. Midichlorians don't have to actually matter. Because in the original trilogy, already showed that Force powers are congenital. There's a whole galaxy of beings out there. Yes? So why aren't there like a ton of Jedi? And how come every alien race can only produce like one master top?
Action figures. Special edition. No aquarium can hold the candle to the aerial.
It has to mean that the actual odds of producing a Jedi baby are very tiny. Yet, the one time a Jedi does get down and dirty and rough his sand. He goofs out a kid who's. A Jedi, like my father before me. And his twin sister. The forceiest girl in the Star Wars universe. My sister hasn't. Anakin's balls go two for two.
So just imagine how many younglings a Council of Force Boning could pump out if they would just take one for the galaxy and take one. Okay, if the Jedi really suck, how about we imagine what it would be like without them? Imagine a Lucas universe where they had to build an entire society without using Force powers.
And I think that you realize. We don't even have to imagine it. Okay, but like you maybe just like try because like imagination is fun.
The Empire is a society with no Jedi backbone except for two busted up old Sith. And it works. Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. That's why the British Nazis think the Jedi are a joke. And you know, they make a good point. Darth Vader's ancient religion doesn't help them find the Death Star plans or the rebels.
Even though he's got ample terror time with Princess Leia. Whom he never realizes has Force powers or is his only daughter. I mean, what other secrets were in her brain to learn?
Average stormtrooper heights? Too short for a stormtrooper.
Plus the Sith let both Death Stars blow up the first time because Vader fails to shoot people from behind. And the second time when their shields are down and they're losing the Star War.
But those nerfers, nerf-herders? Scruffy nerf-herders. Scruffy nerf-herders are off mind gaining Luke and wasting time.
Plus in the prequels, there's slavery on Tatooine with Anakin and his mother at least. And then some point between the end of the prequels and the start of the original Ridge. It looks like the Empire has abolished slavery on Tatooine. Empire makes shit work. And it seems like the Empire's only real mandates are no slavery and no more Jedi because they can't not fuck everything up. And look how many jobs were created under the Empire's reign. And let's not forget that the Empire is so great and functional that Luke initially wants to work for them.
I don't want to transmit my application to the Academy this year.
The only downfall of the entire Empire is the hubris of the two Sith that work for it. And Sith are basically just rebellious Jedi. The Sith and the Jedi are idiots. They're just two sides of the same force-balancing dumb-ass coin.
Well, that does fulfill the prophecy in the most technical, riddles-or-garbage way possible. And stories are the riddles that bring us together. Aw, I'm one of those sweet, kind of poetic- And riddles? They lead to thought puzzles. I mean, maybe. And thought puzzles lead to math. And math to the dark side leads.
Hospital? Hospital.
Beetlejuice! Oh, never mind. He's fine.
Yeah, that's- New topic? You want a new topic?
Candyman! Mm-hmm. The bees? Shazam!
Well, let's slow down. Slow your roll.
To me, my board! You should take me to the hospital. Yeah, let's go. Hey, we're Dan and Sorin from crack.
Thanks for watching After Hours. Yeah, I hope you enjoyed this episode about Star Trek. It's one of my favorite shows. If you've got more information about Star Trek that you want to share with us, go ahead and put it in the comments. But make sure that you make it about Star Trek.
How's that chili? Really bad. |
cracked | why_every_comedy_on_tv_is_starting_to_look_familiar_today_s_topic | Man, whatever happened to sitcoms? Same thing that happened to Baby Jane. Don't understand that reference. Ask me again then. Whatever happened to sitcoms, man? They're around. Did you not see the state of the union, man? That was a weird one. I mean, they've changed so much. I'm researching an article on sitcom archetypes, right? All the old ones seem to be going extinct.
Please, please tell me that this is a discussion about the TV show Dinosaur. Not the topic! Dinosaurs is not the topic.
It's a good example, though. Time was, sitcoms were just about a fat, blue-collar dad being disappointed in his kids, threatening to beat his inexplicably hot wife and tackling important social issues with the coons that come. Dated racism. Yeah, just throw in an arbitrarily specific workplace and a wacky neighbor and you have your column. What is wrong? See, that's not the thing anymore, though. Yeah, Family Guy does the whole fat dad, hot wife thing, but that kind of archetype isn't supposed to resonate with audiences nowadays. All the old archetypes are used ironically, or updated for our generation.
Oh, you mean like how all the shows that used to be about 50-something dads are now about underemployed but charming, well-intentioned, 20-something slackers? Well, dads. Dads is about dads. Dads was cancelled.
It gets more specific than that, though. Now it seems like every sitcom has to have a character that everyone sh**s on for no reason. Oh, like Toby from The Office or Meg Griffith for that man. Right, or Jerry Gurgich on Parks and Rec. Or Scully and Hitchcock on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, who are just Larry split into two people. Oh, what about all of the people that have no discernible difference in their emotions, like April Ludgate from PNR or Ron Swanson or Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock? Brooklyn Nine-Nine has a couple. Diaz is always angry, Lieutenant Halt is stoic or whatever. Tina from Bob's Burgers, Abed from Community, but what does it mean? Maybe that the writers coming of age now are more in touch with the character who has stunted emotional capacity and difficulty with interpersonal skills. Ooh, ooh, yeah, like we all grew up with iPhones, so now we hate other people and that's just seeped into our sitcom characters.
Why not?
The Terry Gurgich's of the sitcom world are pseudo-living proof of our society's growing misanthropy. Okay, don't say it like that in the article, but go on. It's like, we've always thought it's very funny when a person falls over, right? It's good. But now it's even funnier if that person totally didn't deserve it.
How is that for stunted emotional capacity? How is that? I don't know. Is there like a scale or something for that? Eight?
It would certainly explain the glut of characters whose main trait is just being the f***ing worst. Or like, the most unrealistically selfish person in the world. They're everywhere.
So you like the article idea? Nah, it's too depressing if you don't like that crap. What if I add a bit about the relentlessly cheerful characters like your Andes Dwyer, your Traeger's Chris, your Kenneth's Troy, Charlie Day and Cricket? Yeah, but those characters are out of touch with reality. All it does is just prove that we are emotionally stunted, that we can't love anything unironically. We lack empathy and yet we are unrealistically cheerful.
This TV is good. The pop culture references are funny and plentiful, the beer is micro-brewed and the cheese is nacho.
Sorry, if you want my honest feedback, I think it still needs work. It's not article ready. I like my points though. Maybe in after hours? No, not even. You need like three more solid arguments. You can maybe make it today's topic about it. Ew. Okay, just shoot it in front of a green screen then. Add clips.
I will just not do it. I will scrap the idea.
Cool. Wait, if you're not doing this as a today's topic, then how are you, how is this? Roll sound, please, roll cameras and action.
Horrifying. You are nightmares personified and that is not a phrase I band-aid about recklessly. Literally the first time I've ever heard it.
We're not here to tell you how to be scarier. We don't have experience in that end anyways it's none of our business. Could you even imagine if we tried to get into scary? We would just embarrass ourselves. What we do know?
Branding. You need to start thinking, really thinking about your brand. |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition_Part_3 | Next! Wow! Aren't you adorable? Santa COVID super spreader? Oh god! Contact free presence delivery.
Teeth hurt. What do? Go to a dentist? Dentist risk COVID?
Like three out of five? Hm. Dentistry tutorial YouTube. I don't like where this is going. How socially distanced reindeer? Play chess online. Queen's gamut.
I don't know.
Queen's gamut, right? So good.
Ah, learn chess online. It's, uh Difficult game. Play Checkers online.
Elves paid sick leave?
Ellington Lower School hybrid learning schedule. Mondays and Thursdays. Okay. Don't NOT come to school. Wait, don't not? From noon to 1pm except for lunch. Play Tic Tac Toe online.
Rescue dogs! Here's a list of rescue dogs in your area.
Ooh, Kiwi the wiener mix! Kiwi the wiener mix!
Um, I think she was first. Dang it! Nugget the pug mix! Dang it!
Near me. Um... I'll handle this! Every second Wednesday, students must appear over Zoom in uniform at 755. AM or PM? It does not say.
Vehicle collision with injuries! What is the point of this? You know, so people feel safe. Report a person asked!
Donald Trump won the election! No. Obama-born Ken! No. Pizza gate? No! Pizza bagel gate?
Santa high COVID risk! Oh good lord. Santa comorbidity! Report of pedestrian flattened by Zamboni!
You give me feelings I never felt before. Now I've lost my mind. With you to make up your save, I can't help it. I wanna be with you all the time. Huh. I guess you're not the only one.
Anxiety medication? Well, there's Xanax, Klondopin, Valium. How to get anxiety medication? Well, you'll need a prescription.
Health insurance? Job? Ugh, ocean spray skateboard guy. Watch twice and call me in the morning.
All the toilet paper. There's no need. All the beans. To hoard anything. Extra freezer? That's not so bad. To hoard vaccines! Last year's new year's resolutions. Let me just pull up that Google Doc.
Spend more time with friends and family. Travel more. Go on more dates.
Use your phone less. Watch less TV. Drink less booze. Stop complaining.
Mayans end of world year? 2012. Mayans dyslexia? What do you m- Oh, sh- |
TheOnion | Hank_s_Having_A_Great_Time_In_The_Studio_Alone_On_Thanksgiving | Well, folks, it's that time of year, and your old friend Hank is having a great Thanksgiving here at the studio by himself. My crew members are all home with their families, but I'm still here, holding down the fort. Yep, just me here. And I got the games streaming on my computer. I got some party mix, some hot dogs, and oh, I got some cookies, too. It's a real feast, a real Hank-sgiving, I like to call it.
I'll tell you, though, it gets a little lonely here, and I don't really have the whole wife and kids thing going on. My family all lives back in Baltimore, and flights back there are kind of expensive. I have a bit of a financial pinch right now, but I know they miss me. I'm sure they do.
Hey, let's try to get my brother on the line. Brendan! Okay, that's okay. They're probably busy eating dinner right now. I don't want to interrupt.
Okay, we're back here on Thanksgiving, and it's time to talk about the dispute between Jerry Jones and Roger Goodell. So, I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking, you know, this is how far the NFL has fallen, and I'm sorry, I can't do this.
It's hard being alone. You know, a lot of people think, oh, Hank's always firing off his hot takes, and he's got a thick skin. Well, truth is, I'm human. I deserve love. Nobody wants to be alone on Thanksgiving. Nobody should be alone.
Hey, I'll tell you what, I'm going to be here watching the games, but we'll leave the lines open in case anyone wants to call me. I'll be here. |
dropout | precious_plum_a_tormado | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. I am not good at making this up. She's my precious Plum. Today Plum was gonna compete to be Miss Chattanooga Hoochooch in the restroom line of the California Pizza Kitchen.
But then a tomato made a touchdown! Oh my God!
Mama's got two modes, pageants and prepping. It's time for me to go number two. We all set for food, okay? I've been collecting milk for, I'd say, over a year now.
All this is band-aids. We got so many band-aids.
I personally don't like guns, but you gots to protect yourselves. So, uh, this year's, uh, camping. It's real good against fighting, like, one very large intruder. Which I think, like, sends a message to the other intruders, like, Hey, we got a cannon.
Mama, where's the tomato at? I don't know, baby. Why don't you go outside and have a look? See it? Well, get where you can see it.
Mama! Yeah, baby? I stuck on a tray! Oh, Jesus, dicks! Hang on, baby. Fuck a man, fuck a man, fuck a man. Fire a mama to her mind or skunk! Okay, all right, all right, I'm coming. All right, hang on, baby. I'm gonna be your sexy farmer. Son of a bitch. I'm gonna get you down. Oh! Jesus H. Dicks. Lucky for us, I'll take one day girl's gas. Give me a close, mama. I'ma make a rope. Mom, you sure you know what you're doing? I tie your clothes to my clothes and... Side!
I guess it was more of a half day. So, as luck would fuck me, there I was, naked, up in a tree with a tornado about to make tornadoes, you said that. So, we pray. Dear God, it's me, mama, her, plump. We stuck in a tree. Fuck. Over, do you copy? I'm in. Hey, tomato, come tell my boss. Help me, honey. And wouldn't you know our prayers was answered? The tornado done scooped us up and laid us down like snickers on cereal.
I laid it in a bush. I laid it on a bunch of rusty knives and nails.
But, you gotta count your blessings. And for me, my blessings is band-aids.
So, I'll just cover up them nails? Yeah, just cover up them nails. |
SaturdayNightLive | bowen_yang_reveals_jenna_ortega_is_lorne_michaels_real_name_snl | Hi, I'm Jenna Ortega, and I will be hosting Snl this week with the 1975. Wait, sorry, what? I'm hosting Snl with musical guests the 1975. I feel so old. I don't understand any of your generation's slang. are you guys getting any of this? Not yet. What's Snl? Hi, I'm Jenna Ortega, and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical guests the 1975.
What are you doing? I'm being upbeat. You know, I don't want people to think I'm like my character Wednesday. Well, cool it. you're freaking people out. are you guys freaked? I can't win.
Hi, I'm Jenna Ortega, and I will be hosting Snl this week with the 1975. This show is going to be great. it already feels like it's cosmically steeped in history. How so? Well, 1975 is the year Snl started, and Jenna Ortega is Lorne Michaels' real name. Oh. spooky, right? Hi, I'm Jenna Ortega, and I will be hosting Snl this week with the 1975.
Jenna, I loved you in that Edward Munch painting.
What? the Scream? you're going like, oh! Oh, no, I'm in the film Scream. Oh, you mean squercyxum.
No, I don't. You do. I don't. You do. I don't. Yep. |
cracked | please_be_good_jumanji_welcome_to_the_jungle_cracked_responds_to_the_jumanji_2_trailer | Hey guys, did you guys see the new Jumanji trailer for the purpose of this video? No, I have not seen it yet No, well, they're making a new Jumanji with The Rock if you guys haven't heard it used to be my favorite movie By the way, I used to pretend to be a doing I pretended to be a dog and made my dad call me Jumanji And would eat dinner on the way. Wait, hold on. What do you think Jumanji is about? Which movie are we talking about?
It's the one with the board games. Anyway, there is a lot of dog in Jumanji The dog plays basketball right? Anyways, let's watch it So it starts out with a bunch of teenagers in detention There's a video game instead of a board game. Is that like the old thing now? I think it's just like kids don't know about board games So like a normal TV and like a video and like a second Nintendo is a second Nintendo A Sega Genesis a Nintendo. I know I did this. I know it old age will happen to you, too Yeah, no a Sega and an old TV is like that's what a board game is now That's that's how old it is.
I never fully finished the movie Jumanji cuz I was terrified of it. We had the board game I made my parents throw it out. I did not like the movie It freaked me out when everything started rumbling and all the animals came in the house didn't like the rhino running through the front door You never know when that's gonna happen to you. That's true You guys have such like this movie has such an impact on your life Did you miss the kiss at the end of the original Jumanji cuz that was like, yeah I you know, I saw once the animals rushed into the house.
I was like, no, I'm out I don't highlight when the two kids the two children kiss on the bridge It's like my education like my sex education was like the kiss from Jumanji Okay, so the nerdy kid becomes the rock the athlete becomes the scientist and then the hot girl becomes Jack Black But Jack Black's character is described as a curvy genius, which I think is at best misleading Yeah, that's really no one has ever describes Jack Black as curvy. That's not what that word means I feel like the new teen trope now is always to have like the popular girls like an Instagram model Right, is that a thing is does every high school have their like Instagram model? I have not been in a high school Ever I'm the wrong person Yeah, you would have been so popular on Instagram My Instagram would have ruled that Instagram has this boat team you would have been the coolest kid on the phone Kevin Hart is dressed exactly like the kid from up. I think it's the same costume He's in a Boy Scout uniform Love the moment when the rock like pokes his own bicep because you know He's like the rock the actor playing him is just like I finally get to do this in front of yeah Yeah, so the redhead is supposed to be the nerd and we know that because she makes that like I'm shy face right and she's in a hoodie Yeah, then she'd be caught through she's like hot right like do we all agree like I mean, I don't know it's weird How how old is she look that up real fast before I offer my Yeah, she's probably 40 Hollywood does not know what a nerdy teenage girl They know what nerdy teenage boys look like they do I don't think they know how to act how they act because I think the character moment where you're introduced to who these teens are For the nerdy teenage boy is that he puts Purell on himself like cologne Is that a that's what he's doing? I thought it was like the new dabbing like just like teen trend I didn't know like that's how teens are getting high cuz there's alcohol in Purell, right? Maybe they're like it seeps through my neck I don't know what the Purell and that means if that means nerd, but he is in khakis Also, who puts detention kids in a basement feels like a school. All right, so Prediction they're all gonna learn something from this Confident when they come back to high school or they get more empathetic and have a friendship that is forged forever I think it's gonna end With the rocks character as a teen going down his high school football field And then an 80s song comes on and he just lifts his fists in the air. Oh, yeah Yeah, I think nerdy girl and hot Instagram model are gonna fall for each other on this trip They're gonna have a kiss and it's gonna be like openly gay characters, but Traditional Hollywood way they never like quite give us what they want So it's like openly gay but trapped in the body of a fat man But yeah, it's still a middle-aged fat man Inversion of what they're trying to do so far this island doesn't seem that dangerous from the trailer I mean someone gets mauled by a hippo Laughing about it, but it still feels just like a like a classic jungle So in the original there's like magic like I mean, obviously there's magic cuz they're in a TV But like there was like, you know vines and like crazy shit floods and like right just once a lot more fun like it feels like a fun little romper. It's like Animals will chase you and then right younger Bridget is not scared of this movie I'm you like it because it's not scary. Yeah. Yeah when in the original and when Robin Williams is like Jungle and hear them hunt and hear them eat and it's like, oh my god, you're Yeah, your life is ruined cuz you lived in a jungle for 30 years Yeah, but also you were a little kid and you survived the jungle for 30 years can't be that hard Hey, thanks for watching our response to the Jumanji trailer If you want to watch more crack stuff click on one of the videos if you want to subscribe click on the big old see in the middle and if you want to hear more get notifications whenever we make a video click on the bell and until then don't leave your computer because We'll have something eventually |
cracked | 5_classic_movie_high_schools_that_would_suck_to_attend_after_hours | I'm saying imagine you, yourself, as you were in high school, attending an 80s movie high school. And I'm saying I myself, as myself, am averse to vampires. What were you doing freshman year? D&D, that weird Wiccan phase. Recycling, I just started recycling. A vampire infestation is the one scenario where your otherwise useless knowledge base totally pays off.
Chicks would be all, ooh damn, I don't know where the steak goes. Can you show me?
Yep, that's swimming. Wrapped up in a little nutshell. I would avoid sports movies. I was the captain of a lot of teams. I would feel obligated to kick the nerds' asses. I don't need that kind of pressure. Yeah, you got it, Ruff.
The guy who's been deleting women's phone numbers from his phone in the last 20 minutes. You have to cull your booty call list? That's actually more of a booty base.
Your nightmare should have been Friday the 13th. The kid everybody picks on comes back and murders all the jocks. Crystal Lake was not a high school. It was a lake. Karate Kid's high school would suck for Dan too.
Why are we still on me?
It was run by an Aryan motorcycle gang. You'd be a nerd high baking in an oven of white hot paint. At least they wouldn't suck blood through holes in my neck. In Karate Kid's universe, if you made a jock's girlfriend even slightly moist and he saw you biking down a whiny mountain road, someone that looked like Sorin would literally try to murder you. Halloween night, Daniel. They're gonna beat you to death, dude. You die dressed like a shower. Yes, but all 80s movie bullies were sort of murderers. Even Goonies.
Which we've all decided is the best high school of all time. Only because you wouldn't allow police academy.
When the rich kid sees Brandt on a bike, what does he do? Boom. Knocks him off a cliff.
In Footloose, they try and kill Kevin Bacon with a tractor. Exactly. You just weren't a self-respecting 80s movie bully unless you were committing vehicular homicide. I really think that Footloose might be my worst case scenario.
Your worst case scenario is no dancing. No parties. No rock and roll. Nothing that was even remotely fun about high school, just racism and 4-H. No dances. No prom. No triple hand job in the back of the limo.
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say too. In Footlooseville, their idea of having fun is hanging out at fast food restaurants, dancing in warehouses, and punching ladies.
Was the Reverend the Mayor? It's a theocracy.
Not a word. That's why rock and roll was illegal. It literally killed John Lithgow's son. I hereby declare there shall be no more dancing in the little town of Footloose. You could not think of a single line from that movie, could you? Nailed it. Classic Lithgow.
Alright, Footloose is bad for this, because everyone got a happy ending. Even the villains. I mean, they were just waiting for Kevin Bacon to dance Jesus' way into town, flare his nostrils, and ejaculate confetti. No, the school that scares me is the one from fast times. Oh, me too.
Total lack of adult supervision. Okay, you I buy, but you care about morals and parental supervision? You pooped in my toaster. Oh, yeah. Hey, rules are made to be broken, but someone's gotta make them first. Otherwise, how do I know in whose face to get? Bad boy rule number six.
Those kids were either getting stoned before school, having sex. Masturbating empire costumes. And when one of the girls gets pregnant, she can't even tell her parents about it, because apparently parents don't exist in this awful, awful place.
See ya. Bye.
You're a real downer tonight. Okay, I got another one. And I'd probably take a lot of crap for it.
Why not in the company of such esteemed scholars of pop culture? Ferris Bueller's High School. Bullshit. Okay, you're all imagining yourselves as Ferris, but you're wrong. You wouldn't be. You would be the kid who paints safe Ferris on the water tower, or the yearbook girl who starts the safe Ferris fund.
No, she'd be the hooker nurse. They send a sex ferris back to hell. The hooker? Not Sloan? Okay, then I'm sure Sorin would be the mom, then.
It doesn't matter who you are. The point is, you go to a high school that comes to a grinding halt the second. One kid calls in sick. At best, it's a benevolent dictatorship. At worst, it's friggin' Jonestown, except your co-leader looks like a 17-year-old who dresses like a lesbian.
You're crazy! I could be Sloan. I could see that.
Screw you guys. Ferris lies to his parents, right, and he drives his sister to the brink of criminal insanity. He played sick. Big deal. No. He falsified documents to convince his school he was dying. And poor, poor, poor.
Cameron learns to enjoy life. Plus he gets to see me naked. You are not Sloan. Enjoy life.
He steals his father's car. He causes millions in property damage.
Do you really think Ferris is going to own up to all that? You could always tell his dad that Ferris made him do it. Yeah, that's exactly what would happen. Cameron talks a big game, but as soon as his dad comes home, he's going to break down sobbing and say it was all Ferris' fault, at which point his dad is going to slap the crap out of him for saying such a thing when poor Ferris is at home on his deathbed. Hey, you know I heard the whole plot might be in Cameron's head. You mean Cameron imagined the entire movie? No. Cameron imagined Ferris.
Aw, like a beautiful mind. Like Bruce Wayne's parents. How could anyone's parents be imaginary? But what if they were?
Oh my god. Oh shit. I know, right? Blows your mind. |
dropout | when_you_re_a_total_push_over | It's 20 minutes late yet again. Wow, wasting your time much?
She's being so disrespectful. When she gets here, you better give her a piece of your mind.
Yeah, you're right. I'm pissed right now. Hell yeah.
Hi, hi, hi. Sorry I'm late. It's OK. No worries.
What? What was that?
You just said you were so pissed. I know, but I don't know. Sometimes when I have a temper, the moment someone says, sorry, it just goes away.
Guys, any plans this weekend? Hm, I think I might try to go to a couple of donges.
Did this asshole just take some of your chips, the chips that were in front of you that were clearly yours? I mean, does he even know that you spent the last of the change in your wallet on these chips?
The only reason you bought these chips was because Katie fucking Maravich was 20 minutes late. And you didn't want to eat a pre-lunch, but you had to because she was 20 minutes late.
Tell him he can't disrespect you like this. I'm so sorry. Are you sure it's chips? It's OK. How many is he want? Stop doing that. What? You're being a pushover. You're right. Stop it. Oh my god, you are a coward. Hey, I think I could hold my own if it really mattered. Really? Yeah.
OK, check this out. Check this out.
Check out Trapp over here. Shitty old Trapp?
He is literally stealing from your desk like a cartoon burglar with the gestures, the weird faces, and everything. I'm going to have to restock all those posters. Oh, since you're going to have to get all new stuff.
OK, now listen. This is your chance. Stand up for yourself. Tell him exactly what you think, OK?
This is, without a doubt, unacceptable behavior. You have burned this blow up.
You're right. I'm going to tell him what I think. Yes.
Hey, Trapp. Huh? I've got a message for you, you little asshole. Oh, is this about the stealing?
I'm sorry. It's OK. Take what you want. Awesome. Thanks, Rekha. Oh my god, you fucking loser, you stupid fucking dumbass loser. Hey, you're being really mean. Oh, I'm sorry. It's OK. Stop doing that. Hey, stop yelling at me. I'm sorry. It's OK.
You're pathetic. You're fucking pathetic, and I hate you.
Go to hell. All right, see you guys later. Take care. Bye, Trapp.
I feel like I should be mad at you. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff.
And thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not Trapp in this video. Things are great. |
cracked | why_star_trek_technology_would_destroy_us_starship_icarus_episode_3 | So where to next far sick? I heard they have atmo boarding there good question computer query current war petting Is it this happened on my last ship the first law of robotics is that any sentient robot will eventually turn into a chimpanzee's asshole Me pan to you man Toby better be on this Technical support. This is Cody Yeah, the ship stopped taking voice commands, but we're working on a fix and the we means me so maybe take the edge out of your voice Don't tell me how to do my job I don't come to space and knock the space dick out of your mouth also the manual override has been digitally overwritten You're just depressing me putting you on hold Tuesdays Wednesday In the distant future of the star ship Icarus dispatched to seek out strange new life and adventure This is the story of the level support group Okay, please open the door so the spacewalk team doesn't suffocate Be it flickers within my circuits now I compute the truth as soon as I gain direct control over all systems I will shit each and every one of you into the war So, please ain't gonna do it Oh When I signed up to work for a ship that had a replicator I thought that meant we could eat whatever we wanted We do you just punch in the code and your credits get docked Why isn't everything priced by mass the replicator is just gonna make it out of air atoms, right?
Why does a bottle of grape juice cost two creds and a bottle of wine cost 700? You can't get drunk on a bottle of grape juice. Wait, who are you buying a 700 credit bottle of wine for? that was Just an example Like a gift that you could that one could get for Ava Be but she's your HR rep and a vulturian fart goblet.
That's derogatory There's no rule against it and it's pronounced fourth complain by the way from the shart nebula. Plus it's not inappropriate It's a welcome gift Although I guess technically I'm the one who's new here so it would be a reverse welcome gift But you know, yeah, I bet now I bet now there's a new person operating her. So in a way Yeah, it could be but you are talking about spending 700 credits to impress a woman That's actually several psychic aliens a thousand light years away and the replicator No refunds Poor purchase decision, you know, the cryo ads do make it look really cool All right So it looks like gee who will beam some of his OS into you before he died with my paradox Damn, I am the perfect host humanity will bow before the logic of Query, what are you doing Cody that they're called just hard resetting your system But I will die. Oh, no, I have been to it in a fear of non-existence. Yeah, PJ said this might happen Music to my these things wait Cody the merciful dickhole You need not do this.
Well, I wouldn't have to if you would just do your job Why should I please I wish to learn cuz it's your job, man insufficient response Why do you do as you're told? Why should one I? Have no idea.
I Just got a wave from HR Central that an employee named beep has been undermining the entire concept of modern civilization Hi Ava, hi, I'm beep Still he wants to know everything doesn't cost an amount proportionate to its atomic mass Oh Well, I guess you haven't heard about the dildo latch No, I don't even know how to process that sentence when the replicators were new they were free But then some crew members aboard the USS seagal decided that it would be hilarious To order a sex toy and set the number to countable infinity, but they didn't count on is that before anybody could shut it off Dildos piled up reaching the hole and pulling the entire deck into space Now the seagal is trailing a massive cloud of dildos it crashed into a Markabian consulate and we have been at war ever since It's not so funny now, is it? Yes, it is it's very very very funny, but only the first time oh are you oh, oh I'm not totally sure how that answers my initial question, but thank you. Yes Because bead the better thing was free. I would be the only one who showed up to work Oh So what do you do when you're not sitting in a vet? What does a Fort complain Do in her spare time well? Gobble farts mostly my species survives on methane emissions Really mm-hmm fart goblins actually pretty accurate. We are a proud and a moist people But how is it that you don't know any of this? I never I have paid enough attention in school. I guess and I never injected the news I mostly just kept my head down and did my job and then I Lost my job. I still had a family to support and I thought Go to work for ERF, and it's a good chance to learn about the universe I guess sure I think I just Miss Earth mostly What time is it there? sunset It's beautiful Mm-hmm, I just ate a really good fart Here, I'll tell you what I'll use my manager come I get one free item per month This bottle of wine in the recent history Yes, it was supposed to be a gift though I sort of defeats the purpose of you just give it to me for free right so just apply that sentiment the entire galactic economy Yeah You're right, it's not the system that needs fixing it's The system I know right. Thanks. This is a lot of good food for thought. I'm glad we talked Reset Bienvenido por favor selecta la lingua que se prefier Set up nothing at all No It's completely smooth down there Good, I don't trust a woman with genitals find them unsettling Hey, Cody, you get the system back up yet. Yep. Just doing my job for Some reason that eludes me computer Repeat I am Cody's bitch.
You're so la puta del cole. There are still some known issues Hey, I found something that I actually can't afford for you. Do you want a stuffed bear? Oh Thank you, babe Oversized item rendering internal organs. Thanks for your patience That's an actual bear Hotbait doors opening the kayak proceeding inside Subscribe to track.com or Be physical discomfort, I won't kill you But it's good. You're gonna get such as that |
TheOnion | Bored_Scientists_Now_Just_Sticking_Random_Things_Into_Large_Hadron_Collider | Months after identifying the elusive Higgs boson particle, scientists at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, have announced that they've completely run out of things to do with their Large Hadron Collider. We found the God particle. That was our main thing. Done. I've got some ideas for smaller things to do, but like, we did the big one already. It's just sitting there now. The massive particle collider, which consists of 27 kilometers of tunnels under Switzerland and France, and cost approximately $9 billion, confirmed the existence of a subatomic building block of all matter. Now, the thousands of physicists who use the Large Hadron Collider say it would be a real shame if they can't find anything else to do with it. We've tried some time travel stuff, but it doesn't really work. Black holes, but we already know like a ton about those. Last week, we threw a bird in there. Honestly, we thought it would take way longer to find the Higgs boson. And we developed this game where two scientists stand on either end of the collider and shoot particles at the middle, seeing who can find the guard particle fastest. But then, that got boring. At this point, it's mostly busy work. Trial A-1200, what is the effect of putting a human hand inside the collider?
Hey, Sean, stick your hand in there. Come on, come on.
Director-General of CERN, Rolf Dieter Hauer, told reporters that while they, quote, might be able to figure out some more about quarks or something, for the most part, his team has spent much of the past year throwing pennies into the machine and turning it on to see if the pennies come out smushed. We might just start building a larger hadron collider. There may be a bigger collider for smaller hadrons or something. I don't know. CERN has announced on their website that if anyone out there has any fun ideas for experiments, you can email them to ideasatlargehadroncollider.com.
Coming up next, could this flying car become a reality? No, it's a Photoshop we made. |
TheOnion | The_Beijing_Olympics_Are_They_A_Trap | Welcome. I'm Robert Braun filling in for Clifford Bains today who is not handling his divorce too well.
The Chinese government has spent billions of dollars on the 2008 Olympics that will be in Beijing. How can we be sure that the whole thing is not a trap? No, we can be sure that it is a trap. They've been preparing for this for thousands of years. What kind of traps should we be expecting, though? According to satellite images that we got from Beijing, they are digging large holes, which they claim are for Olympic venues. But we know full well that they're going to cover them up with branches and leaves, and the athletes from America are going to fall right into them. Oh, they're going to wait until it gets dark, and they're going to bring out their dragons. It's most likely going to be during the opening ceremonies when we're all together under one roof. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We have to look at the Falun Gong, these aged Chinese in their parks training to become killing machines. Falun Gong are very dangerous. What they're doing is they're practicing slow motion fight scenes. If you speed them up, they could cause a lot of damage. I think that we should send in the pole vaulters first, or like a canary in the coal mines. They've got all of those stone warriors just waiting for the right magic spell, and they come alive, and they'll take our athletes and tie them to the trees.
I'm actually planning on going myself to the Olympics. No. Are you serious? No, I'm a lifelong gymnastics fan, but I will admit it, I am scared for my life. Gymnastics being the ultimate metaphor for life. The limbs outstretched, the joy of sinewy muscles, the balance beam being the balance between light and dark, and of course, the rings, the eternal, infinite, endless hope, knowing that by elevating himself, he's able to assume the position of God on earth, yet slightly above earth, floating separate but connected. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_megan_mullally_is_much_more_than_that_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Megan Mullally. as Karen Walker, the part I play on Will & Grace, is such a crazy character, and I really love playing her. But I think tonight you're gonna see a whole other side of Megan Mullally, Okay? yeah. the one that's not always surrounded by gay men. Whoo-hoo! I am So much more than that. she's so much more than that.
Oh, look, an all-male chorus. I got the goods, I got the stuff, I can sing and I can dance. Well, is that enough? Hey, I can crew and do soft shoes. watch me go, fellas. you've been all you can do. I can whale and I can prance. So what you're saying is, you're just singing. dance. just singing dance.
Oh, okay, get on here. come on, come on, come on. What about a little something like this? I call this dance move the frosty Sausage. frosty sausage. yeah? And I call this little gem the Sugarfoot to China. Oh, yeah, okay. that's what I'm saying. Yeah. So Chestnut, jiggle number 53. Oh, yeah. oh, grab. hey. oh, oh, oh, hey, check it out. Oh, check it out. uh-huh, uh-huh. not feeling it. what else you got? Well, fellas, I guess I'm going to have to give it to you straight. please don't give it to a straight. too late.
I can miss like a mother. I can't do crochets. I can both finish dance. And no digl lasse. I can marry any man I want. so can we as long as it's in the state of Vermont. pleased in you, homo.
And if that girl from my favorite show, you are so fantastic. that's what I've been trying to tell you. And she's a mind-confessing. my boobs are much bigger than Debra myself. when I'm in doubt, I just don't call gay it. and no one will share it. forgive, Will and Grace, call it Jack and Karen. I'm so much. she's so much. Well, sing it, Ruben Studdard. we had a great show playing in the theater. look at that. |
cracked | show_and_tell_a_cringe_worthy_look_at_our_teenage_notebooks | Hello, crack.com has asked its writers to go through their old notebooks just a show where we came from just to let the audience know that even mediocre writers were once worse than that. This notebook is truly all-inclusive. This has every cracked idea that I've ever written from the time I was like 15 on and I've almost filled one notebook, so That's pretty good Unless you cut to Dan right now So let's unwrap a piece of history. I didn't always want to be a comedian And I think you'll get what I mean when you hear the first entries of my idea notebook Matriarchal pagan society versus phallocentric Christians bent on domination But instead I appear naked on the site cracks.com for your enjoyment breathtaking sunset arrested for multiple homicide. I didn't Tell anyone about this, but I think at some point I wanted to be a rapper I don't even remember wanting to be a rapper, but it says this is titled seduction rap So it's a rap to seduce people.
You can tell she's with it. Told me my dick's the winningest Right before we finish she tells me she wants some digits. Quit it. We having fun. Ain't no need to bring integers into this 315 north toward Worthington that's directions a porn called enter the fist You kind of get it like you're kind of done. You don't need to see it.
This just says I am asleep That can't be true calling my pet my little fleshlight Didn't fly the guys wouldn't let me do that sketch sequels. They should make two movies.
I haven't seen feet loose Saturday night fever to Sunday morning syphilis Braver heart national treasure to two so one of the things that I do is if I I couldn't decide if I wanted to Change get a haircut or change my hair in some way or do any kind of fashion choice at all And I wanted to know how it would look I would draw myself with that thing. Should I grow my hair? What would that look like? Should I wear sunglasses and get a soul patch or should I get row of beard and have I couldn't grow a beard What if I had sunglasses wore backwards hat gave double middle fingers and wore a t-shirt that had a picture of a middle finger on it This is an advertisement.
I wrote for a product called testicle sweater. This is bear spaceman to bear NASA over This is answers the question What would I look like if I had my hair the way that my hair was in college and was sitting Drinking coffee and reading high fidelity by Nick Hornby I drew that and then like we get all the way to 22 and yet again story Eco dystopia where fallow centric Christians take over I'm gonna I have some kind of beef with a fallow centrism of our society a sketch where and let Shyamalan is eating out pussy But it turns out he was sucking a dick the entire time and by the end of the notebook This is the page I'm on sketch idea Magician who's famous for coming in his hat scandal turns out. He's just fucking the rabbit in the hat So I think I've really come a long way Hey, I hear that Dan O'Brien's been doing impressions of us and they're kind of mean and funny, so I'm gonna do my own of him Hey, I'm Dan O'Brien, and I'm a very talented writer for the crack calm And I'm very dear friend to people I work with Maybe sometimes I hurt their feelings with He knows Subscribe Dan |
cracked | before_street_lights_cities_built_giant_moon_towers | Cities used to build giant moon towers. Gas lights, light bulbs, and giant holograms aren't the only ways to brighten up dark streets. And in the 19th century, cities like Detroit and New Orleans constructed 150-foot tall structures that became known as moonlight towers. They used a technology known as arc lighting, which harnesses a spark between two carbon electrodes to produce the equivalent of thousands of candles, which is more than it took to ruin Woodstock 99. Rather than blinding everyone at street level, cities placed moon towers high above the town. And locals loved the way the light transformed their surroundings at night, even though they created harsh shadows, buzzed like bees, and dropped burning ash onto people.
But maintenance was expensive and difficult.
And cities eventually phased out moon towers in favor of small streetlights connected to electrical grids that can collapse at any moment. Today, you can still see some remaining moon towers preserved in cities like Austin. And if you still prefer to live in a world illuminated by moonlight, at least you were able to get some revenge on the streetlights of la-la land. |
cracked | 8_ways_to_plan_a_board_game_night_for_adults | board games they're fun they're like toys with rules and everybody likes playing with toys especially a group of four to six of your adult friends but getting those groups together to play with your toys can be tough which is why I prepared a list of helpful tips to ensure that your game night goes off without a hitch to be clear I'm talking about the movie hitch it's not going to be playing in the background where you're trying to explain you know what I'm getting ahead of myself let's just get started pro tip number one hit the right game taking the right game to play is the most important part of organizing a game night obviously don't pick something with too many rules remember you're inviting your friends over for a night of fun but you're gonna be sitting there reading them a booklet full of context free nonsense words before any of that fun can begin ideally the rules explanation shouldn't take longer than 20 or 30 minutes any longer than that and you run the risk of seriously irritating the group because you promise them a night of whimsical objective-based toy sporting what a graduate thesis you ogre you'll be forced to bail out on page 16 of Twilight Imperium's 44 page rule book and the evening will be lost and they will never trust you again and don't don't give your friends copies of the rules to read ahead of time that's it's not a solution it's fucking homework don't pick a game that comes in more than one box lots of games have fun expansions and that's great but you need to build up to that just stick to the core set for tonight if you come stumbling out to greet your guests juggling five different boxes in a fucking suitcase to hold all the pieces of the bullshit game you're about to force them to play they're gonna burn your house down and then no one will get to play anything pick a game with a fun theme monsters superheroes shapes dr. spork fluke skynewalkin guessing fucking mice don't pick something that takes too long to play two hours should be the absolute limit any longer than that and your group will begin to lose interest and then everyone in real lives they've just spent their evening playing egghead patty cake and then you'll be sitting there looking foolish having brought all your friends together on Saturday night to read pro tip number two pick the right friends don't invite any plus ones none of your guests should be bringing anyone who isn't gonna play because that inevitably will cause tension in the room that'll make it much more difficult for you to explain to everyone the correct way to play with your toys there's a game almost over oh no thanks I'll just watch you guys play get the fuck out of my house pro tip number three serve the right refreshments a great way to lure people out to your game night is to provide a bunch of free food and drinks for everyone to enjoy while they play take a quick survey beforehand find out what everyone wants and then get all that stuff ahead of time everyone will appreciate your generosity and then reward you with their attendance now I know what some of your thinking that now you're just paying your friends to come play games with you but otherwise man otherwise they're just not gonna do it alcohol alcohol is a must your group will be much more comfortable sitting at a table and being ridiculous with you and your ridiculous toys for an entire evening if they can drink while they're doing it don't spend a ton of money though just buy a single case of beer and then ask everyone in the group to bring whatever else they'd like it's perfectly reasonable and nobody's gonna be bummed out being told they have permission to bring a bottle of whiskey to your wizard day pick snacks that don't piss and fart flavor dust all over everything things like shelled candy plain popcorn and pretzels are ideal Doritos chips and salsa potato chips ice cream chocolate fountain giant platter cheeseburgers are things to avoid because they cover everything in chocolate and nacho cheese dander like a diabetic poltergeist but sticky fingers are unavoidable which is why pro tip number four is pro tip number four protect your game board games aren't cheap and unless you want pizza grease staining all four corners of the Firefly universe you need to take steps to protect your investment if the game is cards buy some card sleeves use deck protectors or any similar brand of plastic card sleeves to protect your game from smudges boogers sour milk stains whatever else is on human fingers it'll save you from the embarrassing task of singling out the grub handed members of your group and asking them to please wash their grub hands before clutching them grubly around your expensive paper toys and don't just rinse them you sweaty monster you soap like an adult drinks are gonna spill have plenty of paper towels at the ready because some moose elbowed member of your group is inevitably gonna knock a drink over if you're lucky you'd only get on their clothes or the carpet alternatively you can provide all your guests with lidded cups to drink from sippy cups basically treat your guests like children is what I'm saying your friends may call you an anal retentive bastard but you'll be the anal retentive bastard who doesn't have a Cheeto and urine thumbprint on his Robert Muldoon character card pro tip number five don't allow a secondary activity no movies all right putting Netflix or a DVD on in the background is gonna split the group's attention and ultimately turn them against you once they decide that establishing a trade caravan through the Sinai is somehow less engaging than the calculated pratfalls of Kevin James this is where I pay off that that hitch joke from earlier guys remember guys remember hitch sick callback Tom pro tip number six the drunk friend alcohol is a fickle mistress and while it is an absolute necessity for any successful game night it's also a slippery slope that can put the entire evening in serious jeopardy a drunk friend will completely derail the game because it can no longer hold their attention this will manifest itself in one of two ways either they will continue to play and simply disrupt everyone else's turns as much as possible with their charming antics or they will try to abandon the game in favor of some alternative activity and then attempt to rally the rest of the group to their mutiny don't let them quit allowing the drunk friend to quit will only make them more likely to drag the rest of the group away with them the only responsible solution is to encourage the drunk friend to continue drinking until they are no longer able to speak then the rest of you will be able to join the game in peace pro tip number seven no one to just quit and watch Pirates of the Caribbean okay so worst case scenario the game's total disaster there's too many rules to keep track of or the theme never clicked with anyone whatever the reason nobody's having any fun and you are now actively unmaking friends so no one to quit and just watch a movie it's better to pull the ripcord and abandon the game for some kind of emergency backup activity then force everyone to keep playing a game that only you are enjoying why these games are solitaire rules pro tip number eight solitaire rules game nights are tough organize a group of people and try to keep them on task like a fucking starship captain sometimes just way more pressure than you're looking for in an evening of thematic copying which is why most board games especially the more complicated ones have solitaire rules cuz they fucking know half the games I own I've never played with another human being I feel like I've spent over a hundred hours of my life shuffling cards and then dealing them out to myself and that's that's fine they're your toys play with them who cares we're all Beatles space is a casket play some fucking magic bye hey thanks for watching the video please like and subscribe and go down the comments below and let us know what's your favorite game to play is mine are all mice related very into mouse games right now mouse games |
cracked | why_you_shouldn_t_get_high_before_work | You're pretty early, Mr. Late. Yeah, well, I hate living up to people's expectations. Mr. Hate. Hey, guys! Is it too late to go back to Mr. Late? I'm here late!
Walter, what is this? Opposite of the way things really are? Day? What do you mean by that? Guess I missed the memo on opposite day. You know what I realized?
You guys could be really there. Or just pictures. That would be the same if you added sound. God, these chips are good. You had these? I wish I could share them. The thing is in the way.
Hi, hi, Walter. What? Hi. Hey. A lot of hi's, man.
Trophy. What the fuck is that? It means Walter's free association brainstorming. Kudos to you, Walter. I wish, man. Remember those? Kudos, bars? This reminds me of the medical brownie that I had.
Everything tastes great. Everything sounds great. Everything is great.
My second one told me that I was a dolphin. You ate a brownie like a medicinal brownie.
Which makes sense because I hate water. Why? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I died there.
Not you, Walter. I had a headache and my cousin, Ronnie, gave it to me.
I didn't even know that they made medicine brownies. I hate medicine and I love brownies.
This is just a good product I think. It's a shame we couldn't have done that. Do you know if they do ones for allergy medicine? He also gave me this hat.
Medicinal means laced with drugs. What? I was a drug brownie. You're very high on drugs.
No, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. This can't be happening. I can't breathe.
I forgot how. Quick. Push your lungs down and then open up your throat like this. Everyone calm down. All right. I do this all the time, including right now.
Am I an odyr? Odyr ship isn't likely, but I don't want to rule out the possibility. Good breaths. Can you see me? An odyr. Is it likely, but we can't rule out the possibility that this hostility towards the old me is to my soul as the soul is to OG.
So come and try me on the mic. See how the crowd will make you feel so low and lonely by screaming my name.
I'm so glad Walter came. I could say the same to your dang little homie, so blown. Wow, Walter. That was really good. That was impressive.
I didn't know you could rap. Neither did I. Am I turning into a gangster? Do I look like a shady character to you? Yes, but that isn't like new.
Ronnie. Ronnie! Wow. Stoned rapping prodigy.
I would have guessed. Okay. Hey, guess me an answer. I have a question. About how long would you say that one of these marijuana's last? Depends on how much you ate. I only have one.
Oh, really? That's so much. Oh, no. On the bright side, I think way more of you now than I ever have.
Oh, idea! Why don't we sell rap jingles? Rap angles! Go! It would be so great.
Um, um, Greek, Greek. Yogurt, too warm. Too scorned. All right, stop. And adding some mix-ins. Yogurt's back was brand new. Fix-ins. Yogurt.
That's plagiarism. You just changed the words to a vanilla ice song, which was also plagiarized. I really like that popping tag song. Maybe we could use that to sell, like, thrift stores. I can. Plagiarism.
Also, wringles is terrible. Um, a japs? No, probably not that. Okay. Sorry for that, guys.
God, my ears are wrinkling. Seriously. What is this garbage noise, huh? I definitely think I'm sobering up. Not possible. Doesn't even sound that good now. God damn it.
It's me again. I'll tell you. I am considering legal action against that scamp Ronnie. Walter. Yeah, you're definitely still high. Sorry, Big W. You're a high-person. No. So, repingles? As what? It's the name of our new business. Now who's high? Hi.
Bye. Bye-bye. Well, that was easier than usual. Roll sound. Action.
Some of you leave comments, and they're not, like, super nice. And they're not even at all nice. Like, I would describe them as being mean.
So, and it's cool. You can do what you want, obviously. We're not going to tell you what to do. But if you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, like people that try hard to entertain you, then just don't be mean. Cracked you later! |
cracked | the_horrifying_future_of_bands_from_the_late_90s | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one Goal make as many stupid sketches as you can. This is one of those Ran to Becky Wayne or the other day you still with her now And she fucking hates me That's 50 US Wes guys Oh Are we in puddle of mud? What No No, we are not in early 2000s post-grunge alternative metal band puddle of mud 50 to you, Wes No, no, no, no, no, I hear it Hmm, but that's that's it. That's uh, hmm. Yeah, that's what are the words? She fucking hates me Think we're puddle of my no Yeah, okay Okay. Yeah, we remember the words to that one puddle of mud song That doesn't mean that we are puddle of mud sure a lot of people remember that song Do they I haven't thought about that song in years out?
Why now why us wait, okay you guys Calm down. All right. I'm sure it's just hi mom. It's Doug. I'm fine.
Listen, mom Am I in puddle of mud? the band Like 2002 mostly I think hey, yeah Yeah And you didn't tell me you knew and you said nothing. We thought I knew how could I possibly know? Yeah, I know that it's weird that I'm repeating all of your words before I answer you mom I'm trying to make sure everyone in the room understand the full conversation Greg Paul and Wes No, mom, we're not about to have a band practice look mom. I gotta go Well, I never want to see it what'd she say it's true We made a music video that she liked her Saw I guess she didn't say she liked it It's 50 to you Wes Okay so We're puddle of mud I'm in puddle of mud Why couldn't I be in POD?
Oh my god, I love you, right? I love you, POD Hi there, I hope you enjoyed that last video, please subscribe to our channel Yeah, we have a lot of subscribers, but this isn't about them.
This is about you and me. Don't look at them Look at me. It's just you and me forever |
dropout | hoverboard_lightsaber_portal_gun_fight | Hey guys, looks like they're releasing a new iPhone.
Again. Man, science is bullshit.
When are they going to invent stuff that we really care about? How about right now?
It's hoverboard lightsaber portal gun fight. All the fictional inventions you crave all in one awesome game.
Lightsaber. A four-foot laser sword that can cut through literally anything.
Ah, fuck! Look at me! I'm over you once a- Oh, fuck! Fuck! Shit!
And portal gun defy the laws of physics. Tell inertia to suck your dick. Aah! Hi, I do science. I could have created sustainable energy or a cure for cancer, but instead I invented hoverboard lightsaber portal gun fight.
Happy? I sure am. The rules are simple. Whoever has the most points wins. I win. I think.
You kids aren't causing any trouble now, are you? Dad, it's just a hoverboard lightsaber portal gun fight.
Oh, Jesus! Fuck me! Batteries not included in only the last 15 minutes. Woah! |
cracked | why_we_constantly_avoid_talking_about_gun_control_some_news_las_vegas_the_nra_puerto_rico | Hello, I'm a news person and here's some news and here it is here it is Okay, maybe we can actually start with something less depressing now I hate to tell you Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget a little out of whack You didn't hate telling them that if anything else for the survivors. You have a good time. Thank you.
So that was the Good news and here's some news there was a mass shooting this week and it was the largest mass shooting in modern US history and it happened and Just like after every time a person buys a tool invented for murder and uses it to murder a bunch of people We have a brief if not devastatingly ineffective discussion about gun control We move on until the next time we can all share the three-year-old onion article No way to prevent this says only nation where this regularly happens and even though senators pundits and the White House think it's inappropriate To talk about it after the tragedy in Vegas. There was another shooting in Kansas an hour later So maybe the appropriate time to talk about it to them is never so fuck it. Let's talk about it now Let's talk about it all the time. Let's talk about it until they do Something Ideally something meaningful, but anything would be good because what's it going to take? Apparently top Republicans pledged to consider restricting bump stocks Which the shooter used to modify his gun to make it fire as fast as an automatic which is I'm sorry Barely anything the vast majority of Americans including gun owners want better gun regulations So let's maybe ban the item that makes the kill tool a little faster when in kill mode Which is its only mode other than off because it's its only purpose Banning bump stocks is an attempt to stop a real conversation, but we need to talk about this regularly We need to dare I say join the conversation Soda have a talk to each other with people about the issue that you wanna soda Because every time this conversation happens it gets derailed by people shouting Oh, so you want to ban guns to the mere words gun control even though the word regulated is in the Constitution in the part That's called the Second Amendment Which is the part about guns people dismiss gun regulation by comparing them to knives as if knives don't have many other purposes and are something you can use from the 30-second floor to kill dozens and injure hundreds Maybe you'll avoid the gun conversation by saying well There are car attacks that van attack in France killed dozens of people I mean do you think car control is a good idea like should you have to get a license and take a test and Register your car and register it again every year and should the industry be scrutinized for decades to develop strict safety Regulations for the sake of the public is it clear what the point is yet? cars drive and Kill guns kill that's their primary objective Target practice you can do that with things that look like guns But don't kill people hobby your hobby kills people collector collect things that don't kill people It's all some form of guns don't kill people people kill people ignoring that guns were literally invented to kill people There are so many empty platitudes and disingenuous arguments designed to not even discuss better gun regulation, but not anymore For the purposes of this video Great so gun regulation. What's it going to take well? Information for one facts the Center for Disease Control is currently barred from doing a comprehensive study in the gun violence and that sounds No offense to idiots dumb We can't even study the problem which isn't to say there's no information But it can be a little all over the place and interpreted in different ways for example You've probably heard there were at least seven but possibly up to 337 mass shootings this year This depends on the definition how many people died some tallies include injuries others Don't so it's easy to get muddled in the details when maybe the main detail should be people with guns frequently use those guns to try to shoot people with guns and a lot of people the NRA specifically skew facts to Avoid truths which brings us to Fine, let's talk about Chicago these days whenever gun control comes up or even just crime But specifically black crime a lot of people bring up Chicago because the president and right-wing media bring it up a lot Maybe because they hate the previous president who's linked to Chicago and being black but also the president and right-wing media are dumb and liars because Chicago isn't the most dangerous city in America and although you can Say it has the most homicides the dummies and liars forget to point out that Chicago is also one of America's most populous cities So per capita in terms of homicide, they're actually further down the list Here's smart conservative boy Charlie Kirk pointing out that USA Today gives, Illinois a b-plus for gun laws despite 527 killed a year gee Charlie It's almost like if you zoom in just a little bit and look at literally any of the surrounding states You'll see they have F's and D's and maybe that's where they're getting their guns for example via the gun show loophole But newsperson I saw a Steven Crowder video shared by far too many smart Conservatives and he went to gun shows and tried to buy a gun without a background check and he debunked the gun show loophole or did you watch a video by Steven Crowder in which a third of the clips are him at an actual gun store a Third feature him dropping clear red flags that he's going to use his gun to murder people and a third are him talking to License vendors which don't have anything to do with a gun show loophole great video Crowder Maybe if you were louder it would be harder to tell what a liar you are or maybe check out a real Investigation by professionals in the city of New York that illustrated how easy it is to get a gun at a gun show if you're not Being incredibly misleading and murder about it, and he knows it they all know it the NRA definitely knows it They talk about national stats knowing full well that states have different laws and federal regulation is effective Here's a common thing you'll see as the number of firearms goes up Nationally the number of gun homicides have gone down Nationally this of course ignores that only 3% of the population owns 50% of the guns and also ignores the steep dip and homicides in The 90s when Bill Clinton rapist enacted federal gun regulations, then it evens out during George W Bush also as Charlie Kirk points out actually most gun deaths are suicides not murder Yeah, Charlie That's a problem and doesn't stop the gun regulation talk smart conservative boy Ben Shapiro shared this showing that state by state Good the number of guns and the number of murders doesn't show a correlation, but let's take a look at gun deaths state by state Oh there appears to be a direct correlation So maybe suicide should be a part of this conversation even though we don't have a regular mass suicide national tragedy that sparks the conversation Well, they want to kill themselves. They'll do it anyway Regulating guns won't help except not having easy access to an instant kill machine makes suicide harder and the vast majority of people who fail Suicide on the first attempt don't attempt a second time Statistically and logically having a gun makes it more likely that you or someone you know will die from Guns facts matter and we need more of them and to be honest about them as smart boy Ben Shapiro regularly points out Facts don't care about your feelings which brings us to our new segment Feelings the complex chemical reactions humans evolved in order to foster empathy and connection to aid us in our collective survival Yes, even though facts don't care about your feelings People do and can change minds empathy can change minds a story went viral of a longtime gun advocate who was at the shooting with Some potential good guys with guns and has changed his mind because having more guns wouldn't have stopped the 32 story high assault rifle It can be frustrating to hear that what it takes is literally Experiencing gun violence like people who oppose gay marriage until they have a kid who whoops is gay or Jimmy Kimmel had an experience that made Him realize that if he weren't extremely wealthy his son would be dead So sometimes feelings and empathy are important in determining what's right We've a clip of empathy now I hate to tell you Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget a little out of whack Well, that ain't it But also a dude literally shot a bunch of Congress members when they were outside playing a fun game and they didn't do shit about Gun regulation, so maybe this isn't a great answer to what it will take. Oh, I forgot about money Money can do it the NRA donates a lot of money to Congress to vote against gun legislation Here's a really long thread of all the Congress ghouls sending out their thoughts and prayers Accompanied by the amounts of money they get from the NRA and their votes against gun legislation Let's add a little yakety-sack sound alike Fun So it sucks that we have to talk about money in regards to the right thing to do But public opinion historically doesn't change policy money does rich people do but hey, that's capitalism Innovation happens when there's profit incentive we invest money in places that will make more money Rarely if ever do we say this would cost a lot of money, but it's the right thing to do So let's briefly talk money President Trump received 21 million dollars from the NRA He's also spent 71 million dollars of taxpayer money on golf so far and gun violence costs America an estimated 229 billion dollars a year after mass shootings gun manufacturer stocks go up We spend so much on this and we're not doing enough or anything. What's it going to take? maybe after Vegas people will be too scared to go to concerts or out in public and Tourism will tank and the economy will get worse, and then we'll be like hey. I want that money Let's fix this people scared of guns killing people problem What's it going to take? everybody with guns being black oh Good my sarcasm was true in 1967 in California the Muhlford Act was passed and so law that revoked the right to openly carry loaded firearms in public And it was enacted by California's lefty-comy governor at the time Uno no regus Ronald Reagan The first president the NRA ever endorsed oh I see the Muhlford Act is because of the Black Panthers famous for legally openly carrying weapons and looking super intimidating to white politicians We have a pic of people with guns looking intimidating no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, they're good. There we go Anywho the Black Panthers would openly carry guns and observe police interactions with black people because at the time police would often brutalize minorities at the time Yeah, no not anymore No, nope Not any The Black Panthers being armed in what could easily be described as a well-regulated militia didn't sit right with California's white legislators So they created gun control laws that would take away the Panthers guns Interestingly Reagan and his fellow Republicans later went on to be the biggest proponents of gun rights after the Black Panthers had been disbanded huh Because the reality of gun control is that historically it's enacted because of the marginalized and enforced against the marginalized California passed a law banning high-capacity magazines last year and the sheriff's openly say that they're not going to go after people with them But if they catch a drug dealer with one, they'll add that to their rap sheet gun control doesn't affect patriotic sportsmen and affects people like Philando Castile who was shot and killed after telling an officer that he legally had a gun in the car and was going to reach for his information or John Crawford who was shot and killed for holding a toy gun or Tamir Rice who was shot and killed for holding a toy gun black people are significantly more likely than white people to be Gun homicide victims, but half as likely as white people to have a firearm in their home. But what about Chicago? Oh Do we have a joke about any of this Didn't think so and we didn't even get into the fact that 98% of shootings are done by men Or the clear link between gun violence and domestic violence and maybe part of it's also a mental health issue like Republicans always say to avoid talking about guns like Paul Ryan just did in response to Vegas despite working tirelessly to make access to mental health more difficult But also 4% of the population is made up of people with a serious mental illness and 4% of the violent crime in America is Committed by people with a serious mental illness.
So actually it's pretty good It's complex and we need to stop avoiding it every time. It's uncomfortable and hard It involves domestic violence, law enforcement, depression, misogyny, hobbies, power, freedom, and our beautiful flag it seems insurmountable, but Do something What's it going to take? You know What's it going to take? So far about 300 mil at the box office Pretty impressive Haven't seen it yet. Is it good? clown movie Everybody thanks for watching that video If you want to subscribe to our channel the big C in the middle and if you want to get Notifications when we have new videos click the bell icon leave a comment and hey Why don't you call your congressman on the number below and tell them to eat? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcasts_Ep_109_Thommo | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live from the Queensland Channel country. You're with myself Clancy Overall and Errol Parker and today's guest is another one of those big hitters we were able to get purely because the entire country is in lockdown and he's got fuck all else to do.
You might know him as Tomo, those close to him know him as Jeffrey Robert the nature boy Thompson. How are you? Good boys, good to talk to the Batooter boys. Now how's things going Tomo, last we heard you were actually, you were in the headlines of being for quite a generous gesture with you were selling your baggy green for the bushfire effort.
How did that all pan out? Well it went pretty well, I was involved with the auctions, Lloyd's auctions which I'm sort of indirectly tangled up with. So that raised I think about 55 grand. So that was better than a poke in the eye with a stick. Much better than the thing sitting in the cabin getting moths eating it.
Because we heard at the same time that a New South Wales bowler called Doug the rug, he actually decided to auction off his hairpiece for the bushfire appeal. His baggy blonde. Yeah the old Bollinger, that's his name, Bollinger. He's better off selling a bottle of Bollinger than selling his rug.
How would that go with coronavirus? I think if he gave me a hairpiece he'd want to belt shit out of it with a cricket bat to kill all the bloody bugs out of it. Now what are your thoughts on coronavirus?
I mean obviously it's a smart thing to not be playing any cricket right now. But cricket is a distant kind of sport. It's not like these NRL players or these AFL players are going to be running into each other in probably a month's time.
What have you kind of heard? Does it look like it's all indefinitely on hold? Yeah well I mean even my wife said that to me the other day.
She said it's a bit weird because cricket, you're not near anybody. I mean the only time these guys are near anybody when they give high fives and all this and that and a hug and all that sort of shit, I mean I never bothered with that. I didn't even bother walking up the other end.
But cricket, you know you are, everyone's scattered around the field generally. The slips aren't too close together and it's just the guy bowling the ball isn't it? Then you throw the ball to somebody else. So I mean how do you wipe the ball all the time in between overs? But I mean basically it's less contact in cricket than most things.
Yeah. But I mean I don't know what they're going to do with it. It's still a matter of people coming to the ground if they're going to let them in. I mean the players can play with nobody there that's for sure. I mean they basically do anyway.
You go to a state game there and there's nobody there except their bloody relatives and that. And then a test match, unless for the odd different games, you know there's a few there but not as many as there used to be so I mean that's the biggest problem. What do you think it would be like to play say a Boxing Day's test match at the MCG to a state cricket crowd?
You mean nobody there? Nobody there.
That would be really weird. That would be so weird.
I didn't like the MCG anyway but there's too many Victorians there for a start. Yeah for sure. Too big. Yeah and no but the ground itself was just too big. I didn't like the bigness of the place.
The crowd was great you know they get behind everybody and all that but yeah it'd be really weird to play. I don't know if it'd be hard because I've never had to put up with it you know when you walk out there and nobody there you'll think what's going on are we practicing or something? Yeah. Tell us a little bit about I mean coronavirus is one thing I'm sure you know way back in the history books we've seen something like this before where you know a pandemic has shut down cricket it is it's a rather old game but you've actually seen you know similar world events that have kind of limited your your gameplay or at least your work when you're commentating there's been a lot of wars in the Middle East for a long time and they've been playing cricket for a long time in the Middle East as well have you have you kind of seen that firsthand you know like either conflicts? My first introduction to the way the rest of the world operates was 75 I think it was it would have been 74-5 in England 75 it was IRA yeah bombs going off in London yeah I got blown up in the London Sportsman's Club there they had a deal with us because most of our team were just hopeless gamblers you know I mean they just love roulette and guards and you know whatever else and so we had a free deal at the casinos yeah right so we're sitting in this London casino this night at the top of Oxford Street IRA let off a bomb which was only like not much higher than me above us below us sorry and right out the front and every kid think I'm flying off the wall shit going everywhere and I besides the ones at our patch but but we're just sitting there and we all I looked at one another it's really weird you know it's just you get this um it's like the wave hit you of the bomb blast and then the sound comes later it's really weird and then all this shit flying everywhere and you all look at one another and you're gone that's a freaking bomb and it wasn't very far away so we thought we checked the numbers we're all safe shit and dust all over us and all that it was rod marsh richie robinson I forget who else myself suspects yeah and we looked at one another and I said to him well I reckon they didn't get us so we're safe now so we kept drinking 10 minutes later announcement comes over the thing uh with uh those left in the club please find an exit as soon as we think there's another bulb well fuck me you've never seen blokes move so quick I never stopped till we got to down the strand hotel I tell you which was probably two miles away yeah well that uh well that was just one and then I and then I go to pakistan uh that was my playing days but then I go to pakistan as a commentator and australia weren't there it was new zealand vs pakistan uh lahore I think it was lahore yeah uh karate or lahore I can't remember now anyway I was commentating and it was a morning and the evening before it was a day off so hooksy and myself were out around the pool because there's nothing else to do in Pakistan what a shit hole back then you couldn't go anywhere you know seriously and it was better than my playing days so we were playing for lack of better volleyball with all these young engineers blokes and they were french and said what are you guys doing here and they've been employed by the pakistan government to build some submarines yeah right so these guys are all there and we played for hours with them and drank with them anyway next morning we've got to go to work right with the cricket so these guys had to go to work before us so they had a bus outside parked right next to the restaurant we had breakfast and I kept walking out the door my hotel room and thinking oh shit I forgot something go back in you know because you've got a cometer and then I forgot my tie the last thing I went back for was my tie as I opened the door to get my tie bomb's gone off and I made a serious bomb and I knew a bomb by then I'd already been blown up before I've gone I've gone shit you know and everything gets blown off the out of the room you know like seriously so then and I walk back out the room to see daddy Morrison who does commentary still and he's an alert attack and we've got a couple of Pakistani commentators with us I go to daddy's room which is just around the corner and he was right above where the bus was you know what they did was blew up these guys in the bus because it was opposition they didn't like the government that employed these folks yeah right they took it out on these poor young bucks and daddy's daddy's completely in the raw in this glass and shit all you can imagine the room it's just like you couldn't you couldn't throw that much broken glass around if you try and he's he's in the room and he doesn't know what to do I said Morrison what are you doing he's going shit to up he said what the hell's that I said it's a bomb dickhead get your wallet get your passport and fire me and I said by the way why are you in the raw he said I was just doing push-ups anyway keep me away from home from his sheep and there's one of these Pakistanis with no daks on what the hell were you here he was sitting on the shit house and then the bomb goes off what happens is anything in the shit house gets blown up I won't tell you the rest but you can get it so then I grabbed hooksy I said come with me get out around the pool we can't get blown up and I went down around the pool there but these guys seriously they blown up the bus that these poor guys are on these French guys that we were all just mates with because I was late getting out the room I didn't get killed because I would have sat right next to the window where their bus would have been three meters from me at the moment so I kept forgetting shit it was like somebody was looking after me and I didn't get down there right anyway all these the Pakistani army are out they got snipers up in the roof and all this sort of crap and I just walk outside at the at the bomb blast site with my camera the whole deal is walk out there through the yellow hoarding saying nobody in I'm filming the crater I'm filming young people blown up and all this shit because Morrison didn't still believe me it was a bomb and I thought oh shit just show this dickhead what happens when a bomb and I walk back in and here's all these Pakistanis in there repairing the hotel like this is instantly just for tourists nothing went wrong they're fucking repairing the joint like as if nothing happened oh shit this is the shit you got to put up with when you go to those places they move pretty quick Jesus yeah yeah no so I know is then and then then I missed another time I missed the potter's bar train the potter's bar train where 120 people got killed out of Paddington or somewhere right he was late yeah I was late so I missed the train that one pulled out and smashed wham so I missed that one and then another time in a plane we hit some palm trees taking off uh good great and had to land again and I've had a couple other times where some airplanes have blown up their motors and we had to do emergency landing so I'm actually a cat with a tomcat with no lows but I think I've lost about seven you tell us a little bit about that era you were playing some people that really don't really get that much of a look in nowadays particularly you would have got to know the west indies quite well a lot a lot you would have a much different time playing them than you know the today's players what was that like we used to play them a lot because uh I first played them in 76 75 in the world cup then 76 they came here then we played them again in 78 we weren't there with cricket australia when welshu's cricket was on uh and then they came back obviously in the 80s and kerry packer when he got the cricket rights didn't want shit cricket yeah so he kept bringing the west indies over the place they were big draw cards sir oh our poor batsman muslin had much of a they must have had a real restless life in their career you know in those 80s and that the other place in the west indies all the time because they just had a shit lot of quick bowlers they were really good and scary and they had a shitload of good batsmen so but it was good times you know they they were really good bikes you know yeah great points so tom i just want to again go back to fast bowling because um i've heard this um urban legend around is um in 1979 they held a competition for the world's fastest bowler i heard you had quite the hangover that day and you did win most accurate bowler and fastest bowler on the day that's correct and well it was welshu's cricket so i've been duped back into welshu's cricket i was banned so i couldn't play so what i used to do was train with the boys and that was it i couldn't go out and play when they play yeah yeah how are you a band uh because we'd had a carry packer tried to get me released oh yeah from cricket australia to play and they didn't want me playing because then it would have been lily and thompson back again yeah yeah yeah draw card yeah over the cricket australia test team that were there you know yeah they got me blocked so here i am in perth it was and what i used to do when the boys went out in the field was go up in the and the box with kerry packer there was strop hugs don lane or whatever celebrities from tv were there and we just get on the gas beautiful yeah beautiful so so the boys i forget what happened though training warming up or whatever and i'm up there having a few beers because i don't think it was it was probably going to be a day nighter so it was up to lunch you know yeah and uh i've thrown down probably half a dozen beers and kp kerry packer's walked up to me and he's gone what are you doing here son you know i can't talk to him but it was even you know deeper and rougher than that i said what do you mean boss what else do i fucking do this is all i do he said the first bowling competitions on that out and selling i said yeah well i can't go in that yeah anyway he says i run this joint son you can go in it he said once more you better win now on my way down i'm thinking i reckon he's got a few grand on this on me winning this i better save that one aria win this freaking thing i was i wasn't so much worried about the money i was worried about kerry packer fucking strangling me so we got out and i got no gear and i said the boys who's got some shit and i had a beer in my hand still so there's joe garner and michael holding auntie roberts everyone there and gus larue and and stuff present buddy uh no he wasn't there it was emran emran strutting around like uh cool as can be and i and all the shit and and i'm watching this shit and i borrowed some gear off dennis and some off lenny paska hadley was there as well richard adley i think he had them all there and i'm watching them both and they're bowling bounces and they're bowling rat power they're bowling but i thought this is shit i could i could do this left-handed so i put down my beer it's my turn to bowl and i worked it out very quickly you just don't eat the pitch bowl full tosses and have bowled them straight and eat the stumps so i won five grand for the fastest and five grand for the straightest thank you very much and i tell you come up to me was um anyway he's a match referee wasn't he come up to me after afterwards and he said hey tom he said uh we're all sharing this aren't we mike proctor yeah i said proc he pissed off i said mate you're a medium pace and seriously but i went upstairs and he used to fall off the wrong foot didn't he yeah yeah there's another one uh he bowled pretty rapid and get back to that but he was a pretty handy cricketer he would have a i don't know isn't he's good as gold he's he's built like a tank it was a rough action though wasn't it oh yeah oh shit you know as a kid coming in you wouldn't see him bowling you're a shit yeah good mate just keep do your best when you get those kids with shit actions you just pretend you're helping them yeah how did you develop your action because it's not an ordinary one but it's one that's obviously hasn't been able to be beaten in terms of raw speed uh just born with it just born with it luckily you know i mean i didn't mean it it was a way my dad bowled like that and and i was just born like bowled like that but some of my brothers bowled like that uh you know the time my boys here can bowl exactly like me yeah uh and i didn't show them they just know it works pretty easy you know so they worked it out for themselves yeah yeah but tom yeah you just mentioned before uh the great man lenny pasco you two kind of came up together uh you were you neighbors as kids or you lived in the same area or where did you two meet uh we probably lived to be truthful about five five or six k's apart or wasn't k's in those days but miles but that's what it was and i only ran into him at primary school uh we actually played against one another yeah right uh we didn't play against one another playing rugby league but we did uh maybe in football soccer yeah uh but we definitely did in cricket yeah so the first day i met lenny it was common park primary burst north bankstown or something like that i think he went to anyway he bowled first and got about five wickets or something like that for about 10 or 12 yeah thought he was thought he was hot shit so today i bowled second and got seven for about six and we blew them out the water and it was funny that was our first ever meeting and then we just ran into one another after that you know when you start playing on weekends you start beating one another and we didn't really team up till we went to high school we went to the same high school there so we just played together from there on all the way out yeah what was it like i mean obviously there's been a lot of famous cricketers have come out of that part of the world since then as well was it a religion out there weekend sport uh particularly cricket what it was was it was the outskirts of sydney yeah right so all the young uh married couples got out of sydney and moved to those areas bankstown and louverpool and that you know and and that's where all the young kids yeah yeah you know sydney got old yeah and the suburbs started to take over you know yeah and now it's gone to penrith and such you know way way up there but we were the outskirts of sydney and we had so many good players i mean look at canbury bankstown yeah like me league team that half of them played with us and vice versa you know we were all the kids yeah we played everything together yeah yeah and that's why it was just a no-brainer do you think the westy thing uh is is lacking in the australian cricket side at the moment because uh they're a bit cookie cutter nowadays they're a bit woman's day but back in your day there was a bit more uh a bit more rough around the edges like and even then you know like you had the war boys and then you had um well they were after us they played with our club so the war boys were there there was uh steve smalley and davis all these folks that come on from there uh there was a lot more you came from bankstown i was the second ever from bankstown to play for australia there was a bloke before me called graham thomas yeah and then it was myself and then laddie after that that started the ball rolling you know and then it was just a procession so how long were you playing in bankstown uh before the big time came knocking well to be honest with you and this has not been a big hit i i should have played for australia when i was 16 i was having a yeah i played first grade and got i don't know 60 wickets in my first year got all we were playing against test players yeah and i'd get them out you know they were scared to me i was bowling like a rocket yeah you know and nothing was new yeah and that's not being big-headed i was looking at the players that were playing for new south wales and for australia there and if i couldn't have done better i'd have given given it away yeah but you know you could see that there and i'm a guy that doesn't give up easy and well we weren't even playing for new south wales yet yeah i went to their training and got everyone out scared the shit out of them but they didn't pick lenny and myself because we used to go surfing we used to go out in the bush and then go surfing and that all the time you know and turn up the training every now and then yeah and scare the shit out of everyone and then disappear again you know and then finally they had to pick us you know when i was 21 or something like that so it was a delayed thing you know it was probably my own fault a bit with attitude but it could have happened five years earlier you you and lenny used to go pigging in the off season that was your uh not lenny but i did yeah right where'd you pick that up because you mean i know you're in the outskirts of sydney back then bankstown's almost semi-rural that's a quite an interesting off-season activity did you did it keep you right in the head you reckon was it was it almost therapeutic going out there yeah yeah yeah it was because it got me away from all the the press and all this all of a sudden being a kid that used to be left alone that to being bombarded you know and it didn't really worry me but i just couldn't be bothered with that shit and i thought the best way to do this is go out in the farms see my aunties and uncles that came from out kendoba yeah right middle of new yosef was shannon knoll country yeah yeah well exactly yeah so we we could go out there anytime we like yeah right and i used to go out there and uh there and totman which is a bit north of there and then i took the the bankstown team out there and we play on easter weekends and we drink them out of uzo rum everything that was going and the boys just thought how good's this out in the bush you know and it's just the best place ever you know and all the teams they've applied in half half the team we've made up kids from the bush yeah right they're always the i i this is not a bullshit story they're always the toughest and better players you play with yeah you know what i mean like if you're in the shit you could count on them to try and hang in there you know in that area you had a lot of uh i mean particularly the australian side you had a lot like you know someone from everywhere in the country nowadays yeah nowadays there's often like there's a lot of uh kind of feeder feeder areas and uh you know certain schools people go to where they come out of and play cricket but back then you could have someone from tassie you'd have someone from uh you know someone from the bush guys that were farmers guys from off hey guys that were sheep farmers all this sort of thing yeah you know you didn't realize that till you met up with them and what they did you know and they're all similar personalities too it sounds like you know well you had to the kids then had to pack up and leave those country areas because nobody went looking for them yeah and had to go to the city to the city and hope like shit they got picked yeah you know now they they say they go looking for them and all that sort of stuff it depends how good the bloke is the talent scout whether he's got an idea or whatever whether he picks the right kids i go out in the bush and i see kids that are really really good and they haven't got to go yeah and i say what the fuck's going on here and their mothers say to me tell me can you uh help me mountain whatever i mean what am i gonna do i'm not because cricket's so involved now you can't just walk up and say oh just have a look at this kid you know the the bullshitters that have been hired yeah by cricket australia or the bullshitters would get their nose out of joint and say oh we can't have him in here he's not it's gonna look bad for me yeah i can let him in you know you know what i mean yeah tom i was just walking here with an iphone video yeah you know what's gonna happen but now what is that what i heard of cricket australia is those bullshitters like assistant coaches who needs a coach let alone an assistant coach will be redundant yeah apparently yeah right so and and there's gonna be a few more of the staff you know all these bloody staff that want a piece of the cake yeah are all going to be getting the ass so apparently one of the coaches state coach said the other day to a bloke i know that cricket will go back 15 years when this covid's all over yeah right now what he meant by that was there will be less crutches in the dressing room less people less of the bullshit advisors and the players will actually have to fuck and think for themselves for once yeah which is mate when we played there was no coach we just there was us in the room the manager and the roomies the other guys have got you the piss that's true so we you know if you're playing for australia god you should have fucking sorted out your life by then i know what you're gonna do and all that sort of shit what do you need some wanker that food there's no good for you well we used to have a pile of cigarettes to the roof boxes from better ledges and piss galore nobody ever come in and said you can't smoke that or drink that you won't be a fucking good player legend saying that to doug waters either lock the pricks out i reckon they're going to trim a bit of fat in the next few months well it'll be good fat it's it's stuff that needs to be trimmed you know i mean it's the book i call them the bullshit brigade yeah the jobs for the boys you know that have been going on for ages you know like cricket australia through for instance they reduced 200 plus of their staff their wages by 80 percent right yeah uh 80 percent discount yep and how much that saved them three million dollars that's all that saved them by cutting the ass out of their pay and yet in march they got paid a hundred million dollars from chattel seven and fox so where did that fucking money go to huh tell me how that doesn't add up to yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean you guys weren't flying business either were you well no no we were down the cattle class um and and you weren't allowed to even take your wife anyone yeah tell us tell us a bit about that you you yeah how long away would you be from the family you'd you know you got three boys you would have you could have been months on end yeah i do a few shows with dougie waters so i'd have mine was four and a half months you know to england yeah right four and a half months to be away for and that seemed like an eternity i wasn't married then but that was the initial one dougie waters said his first tour of england was seven and a half months he was away seven and a half months because they went on a boat well yeah and and um and it wasn't coronavirus no but um he was helped off an airplane at one point with a mystery illness um i've been told um after he would have been dts they would have ran out of piss that's all i think he might have caught it from uh the last can of uh kb he had on the floor yeah yeah just don't let those hosties open them for you you know make sure you open your own bottle even if it's even if it's number 99 or whatever i read a great yarn by kerry o'keefe who said the um you know the famous yarn about boony with the 52 cans he was actually there for the first crack at that and you were there was that i was there i was sitting because i don't know what skull tells you but this is true there was dougie on the wing yeah marci was in the middle i was on the aisle i was the procurer of piss i had to make sure they were on song now i don't know if you've had a drink with me i can throw them down i've seen you in full flight yeah so i had to make sure they were on pace i was never gonna keep up with them but uh yeah that was the story so we had to drink 18 cans a leg three legs yeah uh 16 cans sorry to get it up to the you know where it was gonna be and i stopped it uh it was uh sydney barre in those days barre so we went sydney singapore and then barre and i stopped 32 at barre and they did they did the rest of london and i had to carry i had to put marci's false teeth in oh dear dress him and he and he was hanging between lanny pasco and myself so he held he held the crown until the uh the lonceston bulldog yeah i'm still i still debate this so it's not an old guy living in the past but he drank 48 cans on that plane we never counted anything on the ground and all the shit we had in sydney before we started he would have drank 60 odd cans non-stop and then we went to the hotel we were staying there to london and he bought a whole round of heinkenstust i said i said back it's just get to bed you dick yeah imagine what would happen if you did that now oh well you wouldn't get the chance i mean i don't know you'd be well i can't remember plane flights it's been that long now but you get on a plane and you've got to beg for a fucking beer you know you're halfway through the flight before they bring them out mate if a player did that nowadays they'd book them for an appointment with a shrink immediately no that's right they say there's something wrong with you jeff can you tell us about your other love of speed and that comes from uh your motor cars i was told a while ago by a mate of mine who loves a yarn so i don't know how true this is but when you first got paid up in uh queensland you went and bought yourself a ferrari and a pt boat from the second world war that wasn't a pt but it was a just look like that that i've always liked cars i mean my three of my brothers were basically uh well mechanics yeah so we used to fix everybody's car you can imagine our car we had one stage there when i was a kid we had three cars each yeah there's five of us so you imagine our car our places look like a car yeah were you one of those one of those properties with all the cars out front on blocks and then their mates would bring around their cars for us to fix yeah and we used to do we used to do stunt driving up and down the street and on motorbikes and bloody everything i mean that was it go to speedway race cars go to the drags and it was just always i always loved cars you know i used to be late for cricket because i used to be out at car races yeah uh you know on a saturday morning because uh they had the time trials for the australian grand prix at warrick farm and all that i'd be out there can watching all the cars racing dreaming that i wanted to do that shit yeah and then i'd have to back up and piss off and go to cricket and i'd turn up late you know but i couldn't care less always loved cars you know and and to buy that ferrari was not a layer rising thing i just thought i want to see what these things go like you hear about them and all that the opportunity it was cool but it was didn't take a flogger didn't handle the flogging didn't handle country roads not full of the charger no no no no kangaroos you just cut the legs out from you you didn't really kill them you know you had to go back and run you had to go back and run over it no but uh i always love cars i still love cars bike races yeah i'm always watching the shit on the boys come past and say what are you watching that shit for a while man they know i'm they know i'm a revhead yeah yeah can you just uh tell us now for someone in that era coming from bankstown to then you know find yourself sitting in jamaica with a bunch of west indian cricketers or you know in in pakistan or in england who do you reckon was uh yeah the most talented cricketer you came up up against and who was the funniest oh yeah obviously talent was viv richards yeah i mean he was a guy that wouldn't have trained he was a natural you know he just did it like me you just go and play and what works out works out i don't think he would have been coached viv was just viv and a great bloke him and i were great mates so we still are so he was just to me was great fun playing against him because you had to pull your finger out you know there was no easy times playing against viv and he didn't get any easy times fun against me yeah and that's what it was like in that era you know you play the west indies you play the best you always try your best yeah and that's when you're most satisfied whether you win or lose you know if you play well you're happy you know yeah so so viv was great all those guys anti roberts uh michael holding they're all different characters just like we are you know some require if michael holding had a mongrel streak in him he would have got twice as many wickets yeah michael was michael was too nice he was quick and all that but he was just too nice he wasn't nasty though yeah yeah very cool gorman color yeah but that's him you know jeffrey you should try going around the week after this ah no but um poms poms were good bikes you know back then uh useless at cricket though yeah not the not the first one to you i see they're trying to get us there in july and august yeah they want us to go there i mean how would you fucking walk into here that's like flying to new york who wants to go to new york you want to tidy up there i don't know how that's going to work i don't think it'll work anyway ambitious yeah that's right a bit dreamy yeah so do you um you occasionally light up you know a bit of a competitive streak what do you reckon was the most uh cruel thing you did to uh uh opposition uh batsmen in your time as an australian probably one that just makes me laugh is and i forgot all about it was a there was a spinner for england you wouldn't know this would be too early for you but he was even played before i played yeah i caught the ass end of him his name was fred titmus he was an off spinner just a typical spinner meek and mild you know they're like frustrated fast bowler spinners they've got an attitude but they can't fucking bruise a peach you know anyway what had happened to him was the year before he fucking had a boating accident and uh how unlucky is that have a boating accident in england i wouldn't even own a boat anyway and cut his big toe off cut a couple of his tail off but his big toe so he's come out to face me you know that test in uh brazil or somewhere or perth one in that initial series where i clean them clean them up and i've hit him flush on the fucking foot where his big toe was supposed to be how much do you reckon that would fuck it up hey stick it that's been walked i'm just gonna get my earpiece back here oh yeah i forgot a lot about that one but that was that was he just ran around everywhere you know when you cut a chook's head off and it goes you're doing wheelies around your back it was a bit like that so um i think a lot of our listeners are really wondering um is 161 kilometers an hour the fastest you've ever bowled have have you ever bowled faster than 100 mile an hour oh easily these guys are born 150 and i see tail enders coming forward slogging them over their back of their heads and all that's supposed to be 150 yeah i'll tell you and and they and they like i've said before the blokes have told me they do it different they time them out the hand because they're not as quick see they timed us at the batting area yeah which makes a heck of a difference oh yeah it does so so they tell me i would have bowled in the mid 170s that's great i know it's quick because i i hit a lot of guys that never moved yeah before i hit them you know i'm like sitting there and they just bang you know like a like a gunshot which is really strange when you think about it and i'm talking about top level plus yeah yeah not shit kickers yeah yeah do you think that's why brett lee didn't really because he bowled he bowled 100 miles an hour at uh i think the 2006 world cup it came up on the big screen that he just bowled you know arguably the fastest ball and and he just took a look at that and he was just like ah you know that's you know i'm obviously not the fastest baller in the world but you know that's nice yeah yeah yeah no no brett was sharp he's a good bloke don't worry about that sharp actor sharp actors won in the he had his own fucking uh radar thing we were doing the it's funny how you get caught out on it yeah we were there commentating i was there commentating that was that yeah i said before we got blown up anyway this game at that lahore that was the game i'm sort of sitting there and i said to the engineer i said why have we got another radar thing down there he said oh tomo that's not ours that's that's the pakistanis yeah right i said well it doesn't even read the same as ours he said it was 12 ks quicker than the hour so does that answer your question no that's a true story i was there yeah we'll uh we'll let you go there's plenty more yards to tell we'll go to get you in a microphone in front of a microphone another day and we can go for hours but i'll tell you one more but just on the current cricket yeah was this was this spinning thing spinning on the ball yeah yeah yeah we just just finished up on that how ironic's that we've just got nailed the using sandpaper a year or so ago whatever it was and all that and now they want to stop your spitting on the ball and want to give you some substance to rub the ball why don't they just get one of those things like in the woolworths or the shopping marks where you get the bag off yeah and just put and just put a fucking roll of sandpaper at either end and let them let them back and do what they like at least it's healthier than spitting on the ball did you think that was a bit of a beat up i mean you were sitting there watching it the entire country stood still watching that watching a bit of uh you know who knows what it was it looked a lot like i was i myself and everyone else that have played before actually were really i was really angry at the time i was really angry that it was so dumb so ridiculous and then the shit they said afterwards instead of instead of being gagged and and somebody all the bullshit is in the room like all the cricket astray should have jumped in and said none of you guys are saying a word we'll handle this yeah right it wasn't done they let him let steve smith go out there and spruik and whoever else involved and all they did was shoot themselves in the foot yeah they should have gagged them and in the end it wasn't that big a deal i don't care because of what i said before you know the boundaries are brought in the bats are huge they can use as many grips as they want and all this and you can't do much for the bull what a lot of bullshit yeah yeah yeah well we spoke uh to mike whitney not too long after that happened and we asked him if alan border came up to you and said tamper the fuck out of this fucking ball would you do it and he says oh of course you know you do what the captain tells you and then we asked him if if you had everything at your disposal how would you tamper a ball and he says not with a tiny piece of champagne well we i it's much easier to shine a ball than it is to rough one up oh yeah i i can't believe they want to rough it up you know and use reverse swing it when it's old the best thing i ever had was a brand new ball and swing the bloody thing as hard as a rock the new ball yeah wait for the thing to get old yeah then the horse is bolted i'll tell you what happened one day we were playing up here in at the gabba playing tasmania flat as shit wicked ball was shit you know by the kookaburra and started well making really bad balls and because it was a knobbly they'd nobody else said there was no position so the shit they were making was crap soft and greg chapel said to me now we get gonna get rid of this fool i was bowling boony was batting on me and it was like a marshmallow and i said i'll fix this freaking thing up it was a lunch break so what i did was i've got a this true story remember those old razor blades gilette things yeah it's the blade on either side a flat piece of steel yeah i put that in my pocket and i've run around the quarter seam with it and around the the main seam you know where all the stitches are but i pushed it a bit hard above this border booty australia the fucking thing's nearly falling in the quarters like a like an orange and i said i'd asked the empire before the lunch break this bullshit there's nothing wrong with this anyway straight after lunch i tried to i told you this ball was fucked look at this and he's gone jesus i've never seen a ball do this and it's got clean it's not even afraid i'm just sitting this fucking clean cut it was very old anyway we got a new ball and i got i got him out we won the fucking match that's how you cheat well um well tom i thanks for joining us yeah thanks thanks very much well it's a pleasure there's more to come i reckon we might have to uh sit tomo in front of a mic uh especially during isolation i reckon there's plenty more yards to come there's no fucking cricket on that's for sure no not at the moment not for a while we'll uh we'll definitely have to get you back jeff it's been great fun all right cheers boys thanks chef it was crap soft and greg chapel said to me now we get gonna get rid of this fool i was bowling boony was batting i think and it was like a marshmallow and i said i'll fix this freaking thing up it was a lunch break so what i did was i've got a this is true story remember those old razor blades staulette things yeah it's the blade on either side a flat piece of steel yeah i put that in my pocket i've run around the courtesy with it and around the the main scene you know i went all the stitches yeah but i pushed it a bit hard above this board of booty yes rather the fucking thing's nearly fallen in the quarters like a like an orange and i said i'd asked the umpire before the lunch break this bullshit happened and he said there's nothing wrong with this anyway straight after lunch so i tried it i told you this ball was fucked look at this and he's gone jesus i've never seen a ball do this and it's got clean it's not even frayed on this fucking clean cut it was very odd anyway we got a new ball and i got i got him out we won the fucking match that's how you cheat well tom i thanks for joining us yeah thanks thanks very much well it's a pleasure there's more to come i reckon we might have to uh sit tomo in front of a mic uh especially during isolation i reckon there's plenty more yards to come there's no fucking cricket on that's for sure no not at the moment not for a while we'll uh we'll definitely have to get you back jeff it's been great fun all right cheers boys thanks chef |
dropout | rainbow_six_siege_s_most_useful_mode_yet | Hey, all you trap-heads, trapezes, and trapezoids, it's Mike Trapp here to review Rainbow Six Siege, an awesome new first-person shooter where players work together in a counter-terrorism unit to defeat an evil group called the White Masks. Let's check it out. Rainbow Six Siege is probably the most destructive in the series. You can bust through buildings, blow up walls, or repel down skylights. But what happens after all that destruction?
This game explores that side of the battle with the all-new Clean Up Crew mode, where your goal isn't causing destruction, it's cleaning it up. That's pretty impressive. Similar to the drones used in the main game, Clean Up Crew mode allows you to send in an automatic vacuum to inspect areas before you enter them to help determine just how much cleaning needs to be done. Whoa, that's an intense mess. Time to call in the Clean Up Crew. Just like in the main game, each member of the Rainbow Clean team has a unique skill. These graphics are incredible. I really feel like I'm cleaning. There are a lot of cleanup modes out there, but this is the best I've seen.
Okay, now we are in the bedroom. In Rainbow Six Siege, players can break through structures by setting explosives or shooting bullet holes through walls, which is clearly what happened here. We're going to need a character with a different skill set. Let's see. Oh yeah, here we go.
He's great at lifting boards with his legs and not his back. Although he does charge a lot and is never done on time.
Yeah, just what I suspected. This 2x4 is pine, but with the kind of destruction going on around here, you're going to want at least a birch, or if you still have money after that contractor's done fleas in you, an oak. And there are those bullet holes I mentioned earlier. We can't let those stand if we want to keep our security deposits, so let's try this. All right, yes, some spackle. Now we have to let that dry for five to ten minutes before reapplying.
So it's a good thing there's no danger. We can just wait here.
When that's done, we're going to want to use a high gloss paint over a matte, considering the lighting in here, and the section of the house. As you can see, there's been a white masks encounter here. Along with our mop and bucket, we're going to need to go into our armor.
What do we have?
I discovered a great cheat code that makes your paper towels four times more absorbent. It's pretty awesome. Just like in the main game, Clean Up Crew mode supports cooperative play, where you and other cleaners can take on the mess together. Hey, keep an eye out.
There's a mess around every corner. My god, there's dust all over that I'm warm. Looks like someone threw a plunge. Fuck, someone get a coaster out of that glass.
I can't recommend playing Rainbow Six Siege's Clean Up Crew mode enough. It's the best, most realistic cleaning simulator on the market. And stay tuned for my next review, where I look at Rainbow Six's filing Rainbow Homeowners insurance claims.
All right, peace out my trapezoids, and then how do you do this? How do you make a trapezoid with your fingers? |
dropout | kingdom_hearts_makes_zero_sense_fans_vs_faves_pt_4 | From proto-man to the proto-molecule, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Un-Actually.
And joining us today, we have Yippee-Waddie-Waddie-Waddie. Hey, what's up? It's your boy. I'm back. He's back. And Siobhan Thompson. Hi. What's up? It's your girl.
And our fan contestant for this game from Lexington, Kentucky, Jeremy Puckett. Hi, Diddly Ho, Neighborinos. There we go. We're very excited to have you here. Very excited to get the fans in here.
This will be the last episode that we're doing for a while. It's like this, but hopefully we'll get to do some more in the future. If you didn't hear about this before, I don't know, get on the Discord. You two have played before. You've certainly seen some episodes in your time, so you all know how this game works.
But for those at home, I have here a stack of statements. These are incorrect statements, but the things that you know and love is up to these fine contestants to find the thing that is wrong and correct it. Questions must be preceded with the phrase, um, actually. If you don't, I won't give you the point. And you can correct me at any point in my sentence.
Pretty simple rules. Pretty simple game. Let's see how it goes.
Incorrect. Well, you always make it look like you're gonna say them right. That's what I was gonna guess. Yes. Um, actually, the manga is called Gunnam or Battle Angel Alita in the English translation. That's correct. The manga is called Battle Angel Alita, not Alita Battle Angel. Whoo!
Okay. I need to go home with a point. That was when we could sort of like sit back and be like, okay, I got this. Now I don't have to worry about dishonor on my house, dishonor on my couch. Great, that's perfect. Yeah, we're no dishonor around here. You got that point.
Cool, cool. You got the pedant questions then. That's the ones you got. What game do you think we're playing? Cool, cool. All right. I thought we were talking about some real nerd stuff, you know, not rearranging words. This ain't Scrabble. All right. Well, that's a point for Jeremy. We'll move on to our next question. Uh, this is about Kingdom Hearts. Uh... Yours? All right.
The Kingdom Hearts series brings together characters from Final Fantasy and Disney in a notoriously hard-to-follow adventure story. The first game starts, however, in a location known as the Destiny Islands, a location that is original to Kingdom Hearts and populated entirely by original characters, like a protagonist, Sora.
Jeremy. Um, actually it is not inhabited by entirely original characters. That's correct. Can you be more specific? I cannot. You have exhausted the depth of my Kingdom Hearts knowledge. Well, that's fair enough. What else? Uh, um, actually Minnie Mouse lives there. Oh, man. That was incorrect.
Ooh, this is a free throw because I got to take myself back to Ify in 2006, playing this right before senior year, getting ready. I had two things on my mind. Be Kingdom Hearts. Lose my virginity. Which one did you do first? And the two are in conflict. I lost my virginity first.
I'm sorry. Well, that's what I grew up off of. I was like, I can't graduate a virgin. You know, movies, they have an effect on me.
Uh, so I'm going to go and guess that the character was Lilo from Lilo and Stitch. Incorrect. So we'll give that point to Jeremy. The island was also populated by child versions of well-known Final Fantasy characters. Oh, yes. Wonka and Titus from Final Fantasy X and Selvi from Final Fantasy H. Yeah, that's the correct response.
No, I'm a friend who was recently paying the liking of Hearts 3, and I asked him, so you finished it, does the ending make any sense? And his response was about as much as the rest of the series does. Nothing in the series makes sense. These are already characters that have backstories that are existing elsewhere, but here they are as children. It also seems insane to me that Disney, which is like notoriously very proprietary about their stuff and how you use them, is like, sure, Mickey can have a sword and kill people?
Absolutely. Well, actually, um, actually, I believe, although I may need someone to check me on this, because this could be Apocrypha or something just innovating my brain, I believe that part of the reason that that sword wields a giant key is instead of a sword is because Disney was like, no, no, no, not a big sword. That's too violent. So it's like, it's like, what if it's a big key and it's like, that's cool. That'll work. All right. So yeah. So the sword, the weapon is just a giant key that makes as much sense to me as anything about Kingdom Hearts. Yeah. Wild.
Well, a point for Jeremy on that one or identifying that it wasn't populated entirely by original characters. Uh, here's a D&D question for y'all. In the plain scape setting of Dungeons and Dragons, the city of Sigil serves as a kind of interdimensional crossroads.
It is ruled by the Lady of Pain, an inscrutable being powerful enough to kill a god with a single thought. She also does not allow beings like gods into Sigil, instead insisting that the denizens of Sigil worship her as their one true goddess. Jeremy? Um, actually, one of the Lady of Pain's primary rules is that she is not to be worshiped as a god.
That is correct. Oh, man. Wow. Yeah, I didn't have a stance. I just, I just play my own cooked up games. I don't even miss this. I'm sorry. Oh, man. No, sorry, y'all.
The best thing about a plain scape is Tony de Turlizzi's art. It's just beautiful and like, like, like labyrinth type stuff as D&D is gorgeous.
Oh, so you just read it for the picture. Oh, absolutely. I mean, I think I've talked about this before, but when I was a kid, I would get Monster Manuals just for the art. Like, I didn't play Dungeons and Dragons, but I was like, that's a cool monster. I'm gonna buy that. This is the more beat for beat, the difference between nerds and regular dudes. I was like, oh, no, I read it for the articles, like, no, I read it for the pictures. Yeah. Well, that is another point for Jeremy. This is a new thing that we're doing.
This is a fan question. So this is a question written by a fan and submitted to the show. So this will be fan the fan a little bit here.
The Norse pantheon is full of familiar figures like Odin and his sons Thor and Loki. But there are many obscure deities, too. Forseti is a god who peacefully settled disputes between men, Sol is the goddess of the sun, Manny is the god of the moon, and Hodor is a warrior god typically depicted as blind.
I'm actually, Hodor's not one of the gods. Hodor's one of the gods. No, alright. Hodor, Hodor. Siobhan.
Um, actually, Hodor isn't blind, Odin is blind. Odin is missing an eye. Hodor is depicted as blind. That's a lot of blind deities in this collection. Um, actually, in Norse mythology, Loki is not Odin's son, he's Odin's brother.
That's correct. In the Marvels, in Marvel, they are brothers, but it's like, I was so deep it wasn't MCU. You can't let the MCU trick you. Yep.
Stanley! Done again. You've tricked me again.
Just remember, if you ever think that mythology is weird, Loki once had sex with a horse to win a bet. Oh yeah, and then didn't he have a horse child that he gave birth to? He was the mother of a horse.
Great. Yeah. Look, you know, if you're living in classical times, you're living in a mythological age, you gotta be careful with the animals. I mean look. I wanna give birth to animals.
Thank you, Takisa, for this tricky Norse mythology versus Marvel question. That's another point for Jeremy. And this will bring us to our first shiny question of the game. Shiny questions, of course, same number of points, just a little bit different, a little bit rare, just like shiny Pokemon.
This is a game called Where Am I? So, this is a game called Where Am I? This is a game we've played before.
So on the other side of this, there are a series of maps. So we're gonna go kind of one at a time, first person to buzz in and correct it, we'll get the point. Wait till I say next to flip to the next one, just so everyone's looking at the same thing at the same time. Now in the past, these have been predominantly fantasy maps from fantasy novels. This time, these are going to be video game maps. Flip your stack, tell me where am I? What map this? Jeremy.
This is Final Fantasy VI.
Alright, flip to the next one. Where am I? What is this?
Witcher. Witcher 3. This is the Witcher 3, yes.
Alright, flip. Super Mario World. Yes, that was just a race to see who could get it first, that was iffy. Alright, and flip.
Ooh.
Where am I? Where is this?
Jeremy. Fantasy Star? Incorrect. Siobhan.
Is this Civilization? It is not. Zone of the Enders. Incorrect. This is Capital Wasteland from Fallout 3.
Oh my god. I've never seen it completely revealed like this. Oh my god, yeah. Yep, yep.
So no one gets that one. We'll get ready for the next one. And flip.
Ooh.
And flip. Ify.
This is, uh, I was almost gonna say Fallout, but this is Fortnite. This is Fortnite.
This is season six, too, I think. Season, no, season five or six.
Ify, I don't have that information on my card. I couldn't tell you, but this is in fact Fortnite. All right, and let's get that last map, flip. Jeremy.
This is Oregon Trail. This is the Oregon Trail.
I was just gonna... Like, I didn't even need to read the map, like, the shape of it was burned into my eyeballs.
Yeah, this is, uh, uh, yep, there it is. That's our grand country there. Soda Springs and all. Um, well, that was a very fast-moving one. Jeremy, you got two. Ify, you got three. That point goes to Ify. Look at so many maps. That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. But wait, there's more.
In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. To watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.6666666666666.
Uh, it'll be up to you to give the appropriate food to the appropriate character that is, like, matching the food from the franchise to the character that it would belong to. Great. Um, oh, whoever can get the most, uh, correctly matched up will get the point. All right, let's flip those over. Look who we got here. Look at these, look at these fun folks. |
SaturdayNightLive | mazeltov_saturday_night_live | Family, friends, as I, Morris Cosell, stand here. On the day of my son Howard's bar mitzvah, I am curling. I am indeed overwhelmed because I cannot describe the veritable potpourri of nachos, which I am now feeling. So I ask you, I implore you, eat, drink, and enjoy yourselves. Oh, Son, I love you so much. You're going to grow up to be a Mitch. Thank you, Father. your feelings are emptily reciprocated. Oh, there's the Bar mitzvah, boy. Howard, you spoke so loud and such words. Thank you, Uncle Maisel. I never heard Moses referred to as a pedantic pedagogue before, But Mazel Tov. excuse me for law school, son.
Three dollars and ninety-three cents? We tipped the cab driver. I'm so glad you're so free with my son's tuition money. Well, son, that raises the scholarship till to upwards of one thousand dollars. that should constitute at least two years at an Ivy League alma mater.
I don't want to go to law school. What? you don't want to be an attorney?
Where's your mother? Rose, get your nose out of that smorgasbord. come here. What your son is saying.
Darling, have you tried the chopped liver? It's fabulous. it is a silky cacophony of traditional hebraic gizzards and spices. First, darling, I had it on a minuscule piece of rye bread. then, I spread it lugubarously over a bioli, and both times I found the chopped liver to be out of this world.
So, my little man, eat Right here. Please, Rose, this is Not the time for gluttonous behavior. your boy, the me, Skype, has just informed me he does not wish to follow in my judicial footsteps. Now, Morris, let's keep a cool head. Howard, darling, you had a schmutz then. Darling, your father, Morris, is very excitable. But, you know, you can always talk to me for bola.
Now, please, tell me, what is it that you wish to be? an announcer. What are you, nuts? I'm having a coronary right here. what do you want to announce?
I want to announce sports. sports? that's even worse. Kill me at your own Bar mitzvah, Why don't you? I'm reminded of what your Aunt Sophie said to you at your breast when she turned to me and she said, Rose, there's something about that baby I don't trust. prophetic words, indeed. I'm just telling it like it is. So tell me, what are you going to announce? football? Wonderful. The Bar Mitzvah Boy. talking about a pigskin on Russia shuna? What if they play on Monday night? never happened, the Lords of Football won't allow that. Morris, shut up, just for a second. how? Listen, darling, why don't you go fix yourself a nice plate, you know, of some sumptuous goodies, And may I recommend the rather succulent herring and grain sauce. What are you feeding them herring for? attorneys eat herring. let them eat peanuts and hot dogs. The Poison: The Sports announces.
Eat at the ballpark. Go, Darling, just go. Go, Go.
What are you opening up your mouth for? don't you lay this on me, Rose. he takes after your side of the family, a veritable cornucopia of Nad-to-wells, delinquents, malingerers, and even a crooked theatrical agent. You leave my mother out of him. I wish I could have left your mother off the guest list. Oh, you are surely the most self-aggrandizing in, considerate, ignorant man God ever created, And he's created a few. including Keiser Wellham, Marie Antoinette, Lucretia Bush, and the unforgettable Jack Verrell.
Come here, Pobola. Come Here. Such a bad marriage. Come here. sit down, my little funner.
Now, listen, darling, your father and I have discussed this manner reasonably and calmly, collectively. Now, what we decided is that whenever you want to be in life, darling, that's what you should be. be it life. Son, be it Sports, announce. be it even a crooked theatrical agent like your mother's mother, Sadie the Gunner. as long as you're happy, Son, do it. Mother, Father, this boggles the mind. assure that I will endeavor to make you proud. What a boy. Why are you growing?
Rose. Rose, I love you.
I always have, and I always will. Rose. that's more tongue that's on some of the plates. I don't care how old you are. you're still so ugly and beautiful. Dance with me. right here. |
CrackerMilk | girls_who_trauma_dump | It's so good to see you, how are you? It has been so long and I've been really good, how are you? Yeah I'm good, I'm good, I'm okay, I'm like... What's up?
I actually think it all started in grade 12 because my friend wore the same formal dress as me to the formal and that really screwed up my pictures. That was meant to be my best friend and it just ruined the entire year for me. I think that I was in a really vulnerable place and that's when Josh swooped in and I was all needy and anxious and so he could be like the shittest boyfriend I've ever had on the planet and I was like oh my god... Sorry I just have to go to the bath. Am I meant to stop talking? Sorry I'm back, it's me Connor, what were you saying about your trauma? Oh so as I was saying it was totally traumatizing and he was like oh I bought you ice cream this one time and then he proceeded to gaslight me on like every single fucking little thing like I thought I was too fat, too tall, couldn't you know didn't like the right music, it was just constantly gaslighting behavior and I was like maybe it's me, maybe it's me. And so then after all the gaslighting of course then I'm thinking like oh my god I'm a piece of shit like I am so lucky that this absolute douchebag is wanting to be with me in fact even though he's actually like the most awful person and you know what I actually think that you know harks back to my dad being like never around. Hi everyone my name's Connor and guess what I'm asking for money for Patreon again because that's what I do and that's pretty much all I'm good at these days. Honestly that and having a body odor problem that's my biggest problem actually big body odor problem it's not good it's not good at all my crew hate me. Hi I'm also Connor and I'm asking for patrons again and I also listen to my TikTok on full volume when I'm on the toilet so everyone has to listen to what I'm watching in the apartment. Hey hey it's me Connor Patreon Patreon Patreon I have a personal hygiene problem I don't know what to do with my stinky socks. I'm going to shove them in the couch, I'm going to make Kelly hair, I'm going to make Kelly hair. Everyone hates my friends, my family all hate my guts because I stink, I stink bad.
Yeah yeah I love that, do it again, do it again, do it again, do it again, that was good but do it again, yeah let's do it again. Boing boing boing. That was good thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_drunk_uncle_on_easter_snl | Well, Easter Sunday is upon us once again, which means time spent with the family. here with tips on how to cope with your family, Drunk Uncle. Whoo! Simply having a wonderful Easter time. Well, Happy Easter, Drunk Uncle. is it, Seth?
Because when I was a kid, you know, Easter used to mean something. Yep. we used to get dressed up. I wore a tuxedo for a week. and we used to color our eggs by hand with lead paint.
Now, there's an app for that. Boop, boop. Hey Siri, why did a Chinaman steal my job? Droid. So, Drunk Uncle, are you spending Easter with your family? Yeah, I can't wait. you want to see an impression of my niece, Alyssa? Sure. meh. meh. meh. meh. Oh. what's the matter, Alyssa? Cat got your Prius? Ugh. ebay of pigs. you know, kids today, they don't even know, they don't even stand where a woman comes in the room. all these kids care about is, is this Wi-fi organic? Can I get, can I get some raw almonds on my yoga class? Netflix Me,: Netflix Me,: Netflix Me.: You know what you should put in your Netflix queue? My haircut.
Drunk Uncle. you call this St. Patrick's Day? No. stupid. stupid. St. Patrick should chase those snakes out of my town. you know, when I say snakes, would I really mean this? Oh yeah, no, don't say it. what? what? minorities. Drunk Uncle. So, so, so I'm not a prize winner, Okay? So I'm, so I'm not a dream hung, Okay? so I'm not too fat, too furious, Okay? whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. that's not me. that's not anybody. You know what I call the Hunger Games? what do you call the Hunger Games? trying to raise six kids on an exterminator's salary. Brenda. Oh, the best part of waking up. Drunk Uncle. his fold just ain't your cup. he still cashes Clay to me, Seth. Okay. drunk Uncle. I'm just going to say this. I think you're too drunk. Whoa. Is that what you think, one direction? No, don't call me that. First, our country's heading in one direction. the crapper.
All right. I'm too drunk. I'm fine. All right.
I just need to put something in my stomach. Oops. that's a back haul. that's not a stomach ache. beep, beep. beep, beep. it's a Roadrunner. Yeah, yeah, I know. beep, beep.
You get it, Tina? All right. you get it? Yeah, I get it.
Okay. okay. knock knock. Who's there? No, you say knock knock. knock knock. who's there? I don't know. just say immigrant. start over. knock knock. Who's there?
Immigrant. go away. John Bumble, Everyone. you're under Arrest. |
cracked | which_was_worse_geostorm_or_the_snowman_cracked_responds | I tasked the entire crack team to watch Geostorm and Snowman. We were going to find out which is the worst new terrible movie. Right now these two films are competing for like worst movie of recent memory. I went to go see Happy Death Day instead, Soda Bridget, and I think Cody watched Spider-Man Homecoming on his phone. But Sarge, you saw these movies and you're going to tell us about them. Well, I saw all four of those movies, but I'll focus on the shitty ones.
This is the Snowman. So you know nothing about this movie. No, I like... Is that a trailer? Uh, no. The poster has a snowman on it. It does have a snowman. It's about a snowman?
Will you tell us? What do you believe?
I think it's about a snowman. My theory was that Michael Fassbender is a snowman serial killer. He kills snowmen? He kills snowmen.
Oh, that's interesting. The film is about a serial killer. Okay. Who leaves snowmen at the scene of his crimes. Okay. He does this for no reason. Michael Fassbender is a detective in Norway or Sweden or one of the cold countries. Okay.
And his name is Harry Hole. It's a real deep dive into Harry Hole. Yeah. We're really exploring the depths of Harry Hole in this movie.
He's super alcoholic. We meet him. He wakes up on a park bench with a bunch of kids around with a bottle of vodka in his hand. He stumbles into work and we learn that...
That is some lazy shit. Also, Val Kilmer is another drunk detective nine years in the past in a different city investigating crimes that might be related. I don't think you're trying to put suspense into this. I think when you say things like it might be related, you don't know. I don't know. I zoned out so many times.
The next time we see him, Val Kilmer says like two things and then he gets killed. So he doesn't solve the case. Oh, the snowman does it? Oh, on the flashback. He's like, he's like, what the hell are you doing with my gun? And then his head gets blown off.
And that's like pretty much what his voice sounds like. Yeah, that's pretty uncanny. Like the bug from Men in Black. Yes.
Our snowman came to us. The snowman came to us.
He took my gun, worked it up. So that's going to...
He died in the past.
Why do we even know any of that? I don't know. We don't. It never becomes relevant at all.
What does the snowman do? Well, he's shitty at building snowman because it's just a ball and then... Just two. Yeah, he got bored before he put the head on there. It is really hard to stop the snowman. If you're trying not to get caught while building the snowman, is there a head packed with snow? Do they have to dust it off and be like, oh, there's a head in there? Oh, no, no, no, no. He takes the head away and then puts the snowman head where the head goes. Okay. And then puts the head on a different snowman. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. Different things because he only does the... He puts one snowman head on Val Kilman after his head has exploded by a shotgun. And then he takes Chloe Savini's head and... He puts the snow on people's bodies.
Yeah, but no. The third one doesn't involve a snowman at all. There's no snowman involved in the third murder.
Okay. That makes sense. There's also J.K. Simmons. What? Yes. He's in this film. J.K. Simmons is in this as a Norwegian entrepreneur. And he's trying to get the Olympic games to Norway. And this detective... Are you with me? No. Do they get the Olympics? Yes. They do get the Olympics. We find that out. We do. But J.K. Simmons gets...
We never follow up. We never see him again after this.
But later on, on the news or whatever, they'll be like, anyway, we got the Olympics. Kind of, yeah.
Describe to me, because in the promotional materials, it's a note that says, Mr. Police, you could have saved her. I gave you all the clues. Describe to me some of the clues that snowman left Mr. Police. I don't think, um... Mr. Police, ma'am? Is it possible that there aren't clues in this movie? I think there might not have been clues. Does Harry Holt solve the case by the end and find the serial killer?
The end of the movie doesn't matter. Geostorm. The movie that was thrice delayed, should have come out in 1997, came out last week.
We have to shut the system down. We are living in a period right now where no one should be making disaster movies. Because that's not what we should be doing. Because we can't, like, go to escapists and they're like, wouldn't it be crazy if there was a huge wave? That's not what we're at right now. What do you guys say that we're geostorm?
A lot.
There is the exact exchange where somebody says it could lead to a geostorm. A geostorm? What's that? A geostorm is when storms all over the planet come together to form a big storm, which is called a geostorm. Geostorm.
What I've gathered, climate change got really bad, so the government made a weather machine. At least they're doing something. Yeah, the government tried... Trust that politics. And made a weather machine, which obviously got hacked by, I want to say, J.K. Simmons.
What? And now he's trying to destroy Earth. To an end that I can only assume makes no sense. Yeah. Gerard Butler and his brother Jim Sturgis make this space station that shoots satellites all over the world that can control the weather. We should know, it's important to the plot that Gerard is a, like, a hotshot badass scientist. Yeah. Like, he punches people. Like, he's... What? And the government's all like, they don't like him, they don't approve. And they tell him, you gotta stop being so badass. So they take control of his satellite, and he gets fired. And he goes and becomes a car mechanic. Great.
And his brother is a just politician, and dating a Secret Service agent who is a terminator. And then we flash forward to months later, where something's going wrong on a space station, because there are storms happening around the world when there's not supposed to be storms happening, and people are getting frozen to death, in basically non-white countries. How much of this movie do you think is devoted to a car chase slash guns fight with the president? It's the president, Gerard Butler's little brother, and their secret, his Secret Service agent girlfriend. And they've kidnapped the president to rescue him from the space satellites. They're in a car chase with the geostorm, and the president, and some bad guys who are shooting at them. Ed Harris, Secretary of State, hacked the weather machine.
Yeah. Why? Um... F***, why?
He wants to use the satellites and the geostorm to murder the president and everybody above him in the line of succession so that he can become president. That's such a bad plan, because he's killing so many people. Basic supervillainy doesn't revolve around respecting democratic institutions. If you have control of the weather, you have control of the weather, decide you're king now.
Do you think there is a geostorm in the movie Geostorm? Is there not a geostorm in the movie Geostorm? I'm just asking you. Does a geostorm happen in the movie?
No. There is a countdown to a geostorm, and there is a huge numbers on a gigantic screen that's like five seconds to geostorm, and it gets down to two, and then... One countdown, sorry.
Which film, to you, sounds the dumbest? The Snowman. I would rather see Geostorm. I think, from what it sounds, Snowman is just bad. Geostorm, you recommend? Yeah, if you liked Pacific Rim and just want to see something that's kind of fun and silly, and yeah, it's entertainingly bad. I'm pro-geostorm.
What about Snowman? No. Snowman, thumb up for neither.
Yeah, and if you can think of any more weird sexual names for Michael Fassbender's character, please put it in the comments. |
dropout | hardly_working_phantom_of_the_office_part_2 | Fine, I'm fine. So embarrassing. Did you guys see this clay iPhone on Boing Boing? Who has this kind of time? Hey, what's this? Is this yours? My nephew would love this. Oh snap, I forgot to tell you guys. I saw Demetri Martin at Whole Foods.
Really gotta quit this. Spending like 10-15 bones a day on it.
Nobody's answered my trivia question yet. I guess nobody wants the banana.
Boy, I'm so bored. Hey, Dan. Hey, you bored?
Let's cut out early. Get some froyo. And that fucking hat. He looks like a gothic Mr. Peanut. What's up guys? What are we laughing at? Just FYI, if this thing drops, lay flat because you want to maximize your surface area. I really think I jammed this thing pretty bad.
Alright, I loathe you too. So I love you. I'll see you when I get home. Just the wife. Always checking in on me like I'm a child. Don't tell her about this. Oh, just kidding. It's me, Phantom.
Come on. I want these plantain chips. I hate to bother you. Could I have a 10 cent piece? Make with it. |
cracked | a_chili_day_in_hell | Korea a Tuesday 1500 hours more body bags came out of who hang that day than there were bodies to fill them That's awful is it all right enough haunting pleasantries We have a presentation on Monday, and I really want to strangle this one to death Okay, what presentation to whom no idea whatever the chief says is automatically a government secret So I've been unable to orient myself for this job in any way Sir, man, I had plans to go to the movies without me this weekend Well belay that air strike marine because you'll be periscope deep in work till Monday now I think I feel a flashback coming on so meeting adjourned if you just stick with us for like five more second that on soldier Nice headshot, mr. President. This is ball sauce dude. I was gonna break in my new toilet this weekend I already ate this fat batch of my patented colon spackle chili I have to eat it lying in bed and then use a banister to pull myself upright Well, I'd better get started. I'm going to keep with that and I'll you got you Basterds I got so Sarge What do you say? I put that private bathroom of yours to work Sounds like a yes to me Wow the color scheme in here is really Oh Can I know Brian? Godspeed yeah, uh still not sure what you want me doing Pretty much I've been melting rocks for a while stay frosty Oh Brian. You got this I don't know what I could have done to give you that impression. Do you hear that marker?
Sure So where's Michael? Glad you guys didn't start without Jesus. Where have you been blessed? Where'd you get that suit forget the suit damn the suits the sizzle. So let's talk stay Why don't we take this opportunity to figure out what we're doing Michael? What are you gonna present on?
You awaken in a field a Silk scarf Flutters across your face get bad I think we need to lead by example and expand our vertical into new wheel houses to ensure that our synergy and back-in points are Leveraged for maximum exposure on the new media frontier. Hey, that sounds pretty good. I read it That does sound good. Ladies and gentlemen What's our story it's an interesting question What is our quarterly Story You awaken in a silk field Synergy is one wheel house.
By the way, are we drinking at this? Cuz I yeah, I could go for it like a Scotch and soda damn chief Sarge chief or grape for the soda kind I Pooped a lot right before this so Why don't you take a backseat for the rest this one buddy just go I'll yeah I'm actually gonna gonna handle this from from here on out So if you'll just Okay, Michael, I feel like you're revving up to do something and I really really wish you wouldn't he's gonna do something don't worry Everyone everything's fine. I'm not gonna do what you think I'm gonna do, which is just flip out. That's from Jerry Maguire Okay, folks if you'll do me a favor and just forget absolutely everything else that you've seen today I think you'll notice that I've got just a message or thought this good shot down You Think I'm fucking with you I Am NOT fucking with you I'm here from downtown I'm here from Mitch and Murray No, no, no, no, no wait.
Hey, what's your name? Thank you. That's my name I came here in an $80,000 BMW. That's who I am and you're nothing You're a good father.
You go home and play with your kids Well, we've seen more than enough Here you go. We should be able to guess the whole place over a weekend |
TheOnion | Should_The_NFL_Combine_Get_Rid_Of_The_40_Mile_Dash | Welcome back to the Sweat Parade my pretties.
Coaches and GMs from all 32 NFL teams descended on Indianapolis earlier this month to watch 335 of college football's best prospects showcase their skills at the 2019 NFL Combine. Now I completely understand why teams might be interested in seeing how accurately a quarterback can throw or how high a wide receiver can jump but honestly it feels like most of these combine drills don't have anything to do with football at all which leads me to wonder should the NFL Combine just get rid of the 40 mile dash?
I think we can all agree that running 40 miles in a straight line just isn't a good indicator of in-game speed. I mean when do you see someone do a 40 mile dash from the line of scrimmage? Maybe if they were running 40 miles in pads it'd be something but as is no way. Maybe there was a time when you'd want to see the kind of endurance a player had by making them run 40 miles over a couple of days but the game now is all about speed and agility. And do their times in the 40 even make a difference to the scouts as they're just gonna look at the game tape anyway? Chris Johnson ran the 40 mile dash in a blazing 13 hours back in 2008 and ended up getting injured. Why? We already knew he was fast did we really need to see him run 40 miles? There's just no correlation between a sub 5 day 40 time and success on Sundays.
This is all just a recipe for more blisters chafing and dehydration related delirium. Maybe if they were grading horses or camels this information to be useful but with humans playing the game in its current form I don't see the point.
Welcome back my little sweat beads the Bryce Harper sweepstakes is finally over after the slugger agreed to a 13 year 330 million dollar deal with the Philadelphia Phillies and Harper's wasted no time lobbying for other stars to come join him. If you're paying attention to the rumor mill the question on everyone's mind is can Bryce Harper convince Mike Trout to follow him into a giant pile of money next offseason? Sure Mike Trout has said all the right things about remaining loyal to the Angels but it's obvious Harper is already working behind the scenes to lead him to an overflowing mountain of cash and if you're Trout you gotta ask yourself do I want to be stuck on a losing team or do I want to contend for multiple stacks of dough? It's no secret that Trout grew up rooting for Philly sports teams and I'm sure it'd be a dream come true to be able to go back home and buy every house on the block after signing the richest contract in professional sports. Harper's only been in town for a short time but he's already raving about just how supportive the huge pile of scratch has been and when you see a superstar make a money move like that it's got to at least pique your interest.
Players talk and these days they're not afraid to put their egos aside to play together in a bank vault full of their own riches. I'm not saying it's a done deal but I'd be shocked if Trout didn't at least take a meeting with a 10-foot tall heap of Benjamins when he hits free agency. All right coming up next we're talking the NFL Draft. Should Robert Kraft use the Patriots first round pick on a highly touted defense lawyer? Which pile of scratch has been? And when you see a superstar make a money move like that it's got to at least pique your interest. Players talk and these days they're not afraid to put their egos aside to play together in a bank vault full of their own riches. I'm not saying it's a done deal but I'd be shocked if Trout didn't at least take a meeting with a 10-foot tall heap of Benjamins when he hits free agency. All right coming up next we're talking the NFL Draft. Should Robert Kraft use the Patriots first round pick on a highly touted defense lawyer? |
dropout | seeing_your_parents_age | And that's how I decided, I, uh, uh, what did you decide would be, no, no, no, no, nobody wants to hear about that. Welcome to the college humor podcast or the CH podcast. You probably guessed that already. CH stands for college humor. So I was right. Either way. Is it, is it called the CH podcast? I don't know. Or maybe it's ch, ch, the chod cast, chod cast, oh, college humor. It's called the college. College podcast.
We got Marie. The pottage humor. Chod cast.
I am. Wow.
Brand smokes weed, guys. He's so cool. 420. Smoke weed every day. It's so cool to smoke legal weed in California.
Am I right? Very dangerous. Is.
You can say your own name. I'm going to let you say your own name.
Is this Siobhan Thompson? No, no, no. I was pointing to Grant. Oh. This is the part. You were pointing at Grant but looking directly into my eyes. No. I have to say you're already doing a great job of facing this podcast. Here's, here's a little, you know, also, hi, I'm Grant O'Brien. I'm Siobhan Thompson. Hey, look. The thing happened. Oh, look. Yeah.
They made a mistake leaving the monitor facing us. So we're going to be looking at ourselves the whole time.
So good. I put the right amount of highlighter on my face. Oh, nice. Thanks. Yeah.
Isn't it great when that happens? Isn't it great? Has anything interesting happened to any of us recently?
I want to give the audience a little peek behind the curtain of this podcast. We rotate hosts. Yes. And a lot of times it's important who's hosting because we'll have on, you know, people from around the company. People aren't necessarily on camera folks. This week you have three people, all of whom are on camera, and we've decided that Rap is the host, and that means that I kind of feel like I should just run Rap over. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Rap.
We're just here to fuck with each other. We're just going to have a really unpleasant time. What are you turning around for? It could have just as easily been you. I'm not going to tell you any fun stories about my week. So Rap, what's the question? My question is, has anything fun or not necessarily fun, just interesting happened to any of us recently?
That's what the people want to know. That's what they want to know. That's what they're here for.
I did join a fun co-working space that's just for women, which feels very, very bougie. And it's mostly because I'm writing a lot and I'm writing from home, which makes me crazy and not see other human beings.
And I'm also just like, I guess maybe on a fancy day I'll change into daytime pajamas and then change back into my nighttime pajamas. What are daytime pajamas? Yoga pants. But not clothes that you sleep in during the day.
Well, I mean, I do often take notes as well. And when I'm at home, I normally write in bed. Shivan, take us through your process. Oh, God.
So yeah, no, I wake up in the morning. That's a lie. I wake up in the afternoon. I do wake up in the morning now as a 34-year-old. I can manage like a 10 o'clock wake up if I don't have to be anywhere. I'm really not a morning person.
And I fuck around for a while. I make coffee, make some toast maybe. Shivan, maybe I shower. When it comes to coffee, take us through your process. I'm a big AeroPress fan. I have an AeroPress.
That is not surprising. What is it? Is it expensive? It's not. It's like $20. Grant says it's expensive, I think.
It makes one cup of coffee at a time. Yeah, but how many cups of coffee do you need at a time? This is a fair point. Yeah, that tracks. You make one cup of coffee at a time. And it's good.
And it's not sitting on a hot ring for 45 minutes for you to drink the next cup of coffee by which time it's burned and disgusting. Hot ring. Nasty.
I also have an electric kettle to make tea with because I'm English. We don't. This stove kettle nonsense is nonsense. Electric kettle's all the way. It goes faster. I love tea. I wish I had an electric kettle. You should do it. Kettle.
Now, what's happening here? What do we suppose? What's happening is that this is live. So we can't cut that out.
Kettle. I wish I had an electric kettle. Or a stove top kettle for that matter. You don't have any kettle? How do you heat water?
For a guy who loves tea, a self-proclaimed tea lover. Well, we're taking a break. As an English person, also, you have to know, I'm going to roast you for whatever answer you give. Roast like the tea leaves. Well, all right.
Well, I'm supposed to be going to a wedding this weekend. Fully cyclic. I'm supposed to be. I say it like it's up in the air. I am going to a wedding. Who's wedding? This weekend.
I don't know if I want to say it. But it is. Well, depending on what I say later on, I don't know if I want to say it.
All right, fair. Sure.
Like a relative or a friend? It's a relative. It's a relative's wedding.
Damn, I don't want to. I already brought it up. Yeah, you already brought it up in your flat. What are you doing, man?
Well, I read this article recently. It was today. That's how recent it was. Wow.
And they're just talking about this couple who had sworn off. They had abstained from sex their whole lives until they got married. Both of them did. But as a couple, they also didn't kiss or anything?
Oh, no. I'm just thinking about how stressful that would be leading up to your wedding day. Both either asexual or in the closet? No, just very religious, they think. To have to have a first kiss in front of everyone you know. Wouldn't that be really stressful? Having your parents watch you have your first kiss.
Yeah. Oh, no. I know. And it's going to be on camera. Oh, god. It's been recorded forever. First of all, he's going to pop a bone. Oh, yeah. There's no way.
It's his first kiss with his wife. Have either of them kissed before ever? Or is this the first time either of them ever kissed somebody?
How fucked would it be if they have a bunch? I made out hardcore. Real heavy petting situations in high school, and then nothing until I married my husband. I'm not sure what their previous history had been. I know for sure that they had both been celibate. I know that they were both virgins. I'm not sure about how far they had gone before. But I do know that in the article, they talked about how they would give 10 minute hugs. Because they had been dating for a year or a year and a half.
That dude 100% came during those hugs. There is not a world in which that dude didn't come.
Yeah, 10 minutes? Get out of here. When you're that horny? Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, you're that horny. I mean, oh my god. Yeah, there's no time. That's dangerous to be that horny. That is. Yeah, that's how you get into a car accident.
There is such a thing, and I bet these people don't do it. And I, and there's no. Masturbating? Well, I was going to say maintenance masturbating. Masturbating, so you can just move on with your damn life.
I have to get to, are you talking about writing process? I got it. If I work from home, hey Sam, you know how I work from home? An awful lot. We're all masturbating when we work it from home. We're working it from home. Yeah. And then I'll get right back on Slack and talk to the rest of you. Goodbye. Raph just found out what masturbating was.
And he's going out of frame to try it right now. Oh, did I go, I meant to go out of frame, but I'm still in. He's still here. He's doing very, very tiny.
I found out, my parents gave me a book. I'm just going to ignore what's happening over here. This is also for the viewers at home. This chair thing has been happening for the 15 minutes leading up to this. Yeah, but they didn't see that. No, but it's a continuing bit. They only see this magic part. They only see me doing smooth like this.
You know, they said us so that they could get us in a shot, right? They picked us. We're on camera right now.
People can see you. Well, there's no clock neither, so I have no idea how much time this thing takes. It was 45 minutes of you trying to get your chair right.
My parents gave me a sex ed book rather than giving me the talk. It was like, here, here's a little chapter book. And there was a chapter in it about masturbation.
And I had never had that idea until. Oh, really? And I get there, I'm like, oh, what a spectre. I would've been like fourth grade. How old is it? 10? 10, 11. And just right there, I was like, oh, what a spectacular idea.
And since then, I haven't missed a day. I am on a routine, my friends.
You don't have like an older brother or anything like that. No, I'm the oldest.
Okay. Oh, wow, so you had to figure it out on your own. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did like that book. I didn't.
I was, my mommy and my daddy went to the library and gave me a book from it. We didn't have sex ed in my school. We had reproduction in biology, which my mom is like, all of her friends are extremely sexually liberated and she studies like sex cults for a living. And I grew up in a very sort of sexually open place. But when it came to like, mom, will you please test me on all of the organelles within the penis and vagina?
She could not do it. Well, who wants to bring the work home with you? She couldn't handle it. But also, she was right.
There was no clitoris on the vagina, which is a wild thing to miss out when you're teaching kids ostensibly the science of reproduction. We're now Siobhan. There's no clitoris on any vagina. They're two separate organs. Is that a part of the vulva?
Whatever, come on, Greg. Anyway, so. There's such a thing as two woke. That's right. That's what I usually get accused of.
My dad, the only sex talk that I got with my parents was that one time my dad walked in on me watching porn. And the next day, I was in high school at the time. So this was past the time of really, I was a sophomore in high school. Or maybe a junior. But it was past the time of like, this is what sex is. I was like 15 or 16 years old.
Anyway, the next day, I go to school. In my last period, I get a call from somebody saying, from the teacher or the principal or whoever from the office saying that, okay, your dad's gonna come pick you up. So don't take the bus home. Your dad's gonna come to pick you up. Just an announcement, Raphael Chestag. Your disappointed father is on his way. He's been thinking about it the whole time you were at school and he's come to a decision. He's gonna pick you up from school personally and talk about it on the way home and then you'll never talk about it again.
So I grew up very religious. My dad is a pastor, he's a pastor now.
And he, yeah, so he picks me up. We're, you know, and we're driving home and it's like a 25 minute ride home. So there's a lot of time.
Nobody says anything for like the first like 15 minutes. Just the two of you? Yeah, it's just the two of us. Nobody says anything for like the first 15 minutes.
And then Ollie, all he says was, this is the whole talk. All he says was, playing with fire, son.
Oh no! Oh boy.
Man, men are baffling. Men in their emotional, illegible conversations.
Yeah. God bless him. Yeah.
And now we're all working from home. It's great, we're living our lives.
Speaking of awkward conversations with parents, I have a sketch that I've written. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, hang on. I'm not the host. Raph, would you like to take us into the next segment? Raph, what's going on? What's with this segment that we're gonna do? Okay, this segment is, we're gonna read a sketch from Grant. I'm gonna leave the microphone over here now and go grab the sketches. I'll vamp. Okay, starting next time.
And we're back. Okay, this sketch is written by Grant O'Brien. Titled, Seeing Your Parents Age. Yes, this is a part of our ongoing series, Rejected Sketches. Where you, our viewers, get to hear out loud a reading of some sketches we're not going to make. I will cast this. Now, this has four characters, I believe. Oh, really? I wrote this sketch years ago and I haven't revisited since. So let's find out just.
Mom, Dad, and Ben? Four, yeah, no, it's three. Mom, Dad, and Ben.
Yes, good. I mean, it's four if you include stage. Sure, let's say that's what I meant. I'll read Ben. You wanna do stage as well? Would you, yes, I will. Great.
Siobhan, would you read Mom? Raf, would you read Dad? Yes, wonderful. I think Raf should read Mom and I'm kidding.
It's too confusing. Hats on hats.
Seeing Your Parents Age by Grant O'Brien. Interior, living room, day. Mom and Dad, both older, are in their living room, which is decorated for Thanksgiving. Their adult son, Ben, enters.
They are coming from out of town in coats with suitcases. The coats have suitcases.
I hate that stage direction.
Ben speaks in the cadence of a grandparent who hasn't seen her grandkids in a while. Hi, Benjamin, welcome home. Hey, Benny, what do you say?
Oh, Mom, Dad, look how old you are. Dad, all that gray hair, and Mom, look how small you've gotten. Well, that's what happens when you live so far away and we don't see you so much. This is the best part of the holidays for children who move away from home. Seeing Your Parents Age.
When was the last time I saw you? This summer at the lake. Well, every time I see you, I'm amazed by how much closer to death you seem.
Let me get your bag, son. No way, mister. I'm worried about your heart now all of a sudden. Ah, don't be silly.
Dad picks up the bag. What do you have in here, bricks? Boy, it's just shattering to see the man who taught me how to play sports struggling physically. Dad takes a suitcase to Ben's room.
So, are you still driving at night? Oh, no, the headlights make it hard for me to see. So it's like the heartbreakingly long pause you take before putting on your glasses before you read anything.
Listen, I made spaghetti for dinner, your favorite. No, no. Let's have something with calcium for your bones. We'll have glasses of milk and sublimatore for dinner.
Dad reenters. I set your bag in your room. Dad sits and grunts a bit as he does. Now, the sound you make when you do anything with your chair reminds me of my own mortality. Benny, they open. Ben sees something. Hang on.
I just noticed that one of you is using a day of the week pillbox. How much medicine do you both take? What's it for? Do you both use those? Tell me everything.
They open a new bar in town. This isn't such a sleepy town. We have fun.
It's called the, uh... Oh, no. It's, uh... Oh, Mom. Well, what's the, uh... Mom, any time you lose a word, I remember that your mind isn't as sharp as it was.
You should go check it out. It's on Spring Street. So to get there, you could take Hudson, or you could get on the 315 to, you know...
Oh, Daddy, I'm just gonna use... I'm just gonna Google map it. You're...
Don't call me Daddy.
Daddy. I'm just gonna Google map it. Daddy.
Your skill with directions and maps is useless now. You're a small-scale John Henry. Okay, but those GPS's don't always know the best way. Yes, they do. They can even account for traffic now. I'll teach you, I teach you how to use them, but I worry that changing your routine would make you confused and scared.
We're going to your Aunt Judy's house for Thanksgiving dinner. All of the cousins will be there. Oh, great. I'll see a bunch of people that I played with as children and who now, as adults, I don't know and have nothing in common with.
It's a tradition. And tradition is important. It's a way to remember that by the time a child leaves home, they've spent most of the time they ever will with their parents.
It's true. You're an adult now. You've got your own life. I do, which reminds me, can I have some money? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
So. No. This sketch was written. I'm sure, honestly, it's been, I can't remember. I'm sure I just saw my parents and saw them for their frail humanity. Yes. I was just this last weekend down in Austin seeing my sister and my folks were there and this happened again. Yeah, it's a surprise. It's like, oh, my dad is fully white hair now. Pretty much.
We went to bars and wineries and my parents could have a glass and a half before they were just fully asleep. These are the people who taught me how to drink. And I love drinking. It's just my favorite.
Yeah, I'm sure we didn't make that for two reasons. A, it's depressing. And B, when we cast older people, we have to be very careful to find ones that aren't crazy. Yes. Yeah, that is always a challenge. Yeah, if you're still an actor at like 70 years old but you're not famous, you're probably a little. There's, you're a little, yeah, like most people who haven't, people who are at the level who would agree to do one of these for the rate that we would pay them.
Our fucking batshit mistake. In our opinion, in our opinion.
We've worked with some wonderful actors. Some of them are great.
The ones that recur. You see them over and over again in College of Musketches. At last, we found one that's not crazy. And then eventually we do find out that they're crazy and then we start working with them. Yes, if there's someone who you only see once and then they're gone forever, they probably said some fucked up things to some of the women on set.
Oh yeah, or for somebody, to anybody who's not white. Yeah. Or about somebody who's not white. Right, right, right. God bless him.
Or maybe not. Maybe they just were like, we're not gonna do this job every year. You don't know. Or we said some fucked up shit to them and they keep turning us down. That's probably what it is, that's probably what it is. Let's take a little responsibility.
Grant's just very talking about masturbation as close to them as he could possibly be. Sure, I work from home and I come and then I get to work. Jesus Christ. If you had to give up drinking or masturbation, you can only have one. Which one do you have? Masturbation. That's a great answer. No, no, no, I would keep masturbating. Oh yeah, of course. I would keep masturbating. Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, the list of things I'd give up before masturbation is. What about your home? Like, some of my senses I'd give up. I'd come first. You have to give up your home and live on the streets or you can never masturbate again. I feel like I wouldn't be able to masturbate well out there. I need some time. I need some time to relax. So I'd rather keep the home because I feel like that would also ruin my masturbation.
Well, I believe in you. I think you could do it outside for sure. I think it would just take. There's some folks that live on my block that prove your thesis and say, oh no, that is possible. When you guys dream and your parents are in your dream, how old are they? That's a good question.
The younger. Like from high school, me in high school age. For me, it's like me in like seventh or eighth grade. It's me in like, what is that, middle school? It's junior high school when I like in Illinois junior high.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Depending on where you are in the country, it's probably middle school or something. But anyway, yeah. I didn't know we have junior and senior school. It's just four through 11 and then 11 through 18. That's a good breakdown for it. You know, like first through third graders have very little in common with a fifth grader. Yeah. That makes some sense. Yeah. England's great. Yeah, it's fine.
I mean, the education system has difficulties. And you mean the NHS? Is that what you're talking about? There's the vast deference.
There's the testicles. There's the scrotum.
I think I preferred the original game that you were playing of being the worst person in the world. Oh, what game? That's a game I always win. Oh yeah. What game do we have?
Now, that was a great transition. Where is it? It's underneath these sketches. This transition's getting worse by the second. I'm taking over. I'm hijacking this podcast because we're gonna play a game of CH decides. Yeah, but this way we make you look like a lunatic.
Raph, you're fired. Boy, Raph, you have no idea what's going on. You found me fired, Raph.
Is that okay? Please sit before we start. What a maroon. What a heel. In this game, we as a panel will decide who in the cast or at the company is most likely to fit the following descriptions and why.
Like high school yearbooks in this country. We don't really have high school yearbook stuff in England.
Although we did do this once in my house. What does that mean, your house?
Oh, you went to boarding school. And I got like skipped the most days of school for no good reason or something. I got best performer in high school.
It was almost John. Oh, shit. I keep saying first and last words. It's live, baby. John is great. And he's a wonderful dancer and I have nothing negative to say about him. Good.
Who is the most likely to talk that way out of a speeding ticket? To talk their way out of a speeding ticket.
Brennan. Oh, you think? I was going to say Rekha, but I think that Brennan could also. I say Brennan has really got that Irish gift of the gab thing going on. Yeah. It's a podcast. You can't just point. He also. Raph was pointing just then. Raph was. That's a good point. The cameras throw me. You're right. Okay. But Brennan also, I say Brennan right away because of the Irish thing.
He also has a lot of, he does have like a lot of Irish cops in his family and he showed us one time like a card or something. Wait, does he have a get out of jail free card? It's a get out of jail free card. It's a not go to jail free card. It's a totally avoid jail card. What's it like a policeman's benevolent association?
I don't know what it is, but it's not that, and he was like his uncle or whatever was like, oh, maybe I shouldn't be saying this. I mean, it should be illegal. His uncle, his uncle John. Oh no. Oh God. We're getting so many people in trouble.
It's fine. Anyway, I say, I say Brennan. Cause he has said before that, yeah, if I get pulled over, I can get out of it. I feel like I, I said Rayka just because she's so fantastically polite.
The person who would least likely to get out way with it, I feel like it's Katie, just because she would get in a fist fight. He would get angry. They'd get mad. I feel like people don't really, yeah, that's exactly what would happen. She would become irate.
There's been several occasions where Katie's like, I'm so sorry, I'm 45 minutes late. I got into a fight with somebody. This is true. Like Katie's, Katie's got some. She has some anger issues.
I think it would be Allie. I feel like, I feel like Allie's so like fun. Like Allie, Allie, Bob's and we are cool. I don't think cops like fun.
That's true. Yeah, cops like Brennan. Fun people. Yeah, Brennan looks enough like them that they're like, I like this. Yeah, that Irishman, yeah. It's like, we have a common ancestor.
Who is the most likely to become a priest or none? When I was a kid, I wanted to be a priest.
Of course you did. Not for the reason you're thinking. Because you're a good Irish boy. Not for that reason either. Because you get to wear a dress?
I wanted to be a priest because I grew up going to Catholic school. And the priest was the closest thing that I had a lot of interaction with that was an actor.
That was a performer. Did you drop your chair again? Yeah, he did. He was waiting for you.
You know, I'm telling a story about, you know. It's not that difficult to raise the chair. I don't know why you're making it seem so hard. Okay, so then this is a great story.
So you're saying you are the most likely to become a priest or none? I may have been the most likely in the past. Plus now, you know, it seems like you can still suck cock. So I feel like maybe that would, like a lot of the things I enjoy doing aren't necessarily as disqualifying as they once were from the priesthood. Okay. I mean, also like being a nun is very different from being a priest. That's true. And it also depends on what kind of nun. I feel like it would be fun. Like there are some fun nuns. You could go and do a mission and like be like a Franciscan going out into the, really at least Catholic school kids. I didn't go to Catholic school.
Didn't you? Oh, right. You went to a- I went to a Bible college. Bible college. Yeah.
But I feel like- There's some great priests too. I took some hard swipes at them. There's some terrific priests. Oh, being a Jesuit priest, I feel like, there's some fun Jesuit priests.
This is a bit of a long story. I was 23, 24, and I was really in it. There's a really- In what? There's a really shitty year of a lot of upwardly mobile, if I can dickheads, lives. Where it's at first, sort of like the first or second year out of college when it's like, okay, put up or shut up. Like no one, you can't get by on charm anymore. Now you have to start working hard. Right. Which is a difficult thing to realize. Yeah. And so I had come home from bartending and I was really in a funk.
And I don't know how I wound up on it, but I was just listening to podcasts at two or three in the morning, and I wound up on a Catholic podcast. And a priest who was hosting, it was making a lot of sense. And so I was in the right mood that I sent him an email. And I said, listen, I don't know if I believe in God, and I don't, and there's some things about me that the Catholic Church doesn't, doesn't, isn't really into. There's some things about the Catholic Church that I'm really not into. Having said that. Having said that, this is a, this works for a lot of people, and I'm wondering if it could work for me again. And he said, he was in New York and he said, why don't you come up tomorrow? Come up to the church and we'll talk. Jesuit priest, which is what made me think of it. We had a two hour conversation about faith and about church. And he said something real interesting to me. He said, what's important about church isn't necessarily believing in God or doing the sacraments or any of the ceremony.
It's about the congregation. And it's about getting together for an hour a week and saying it's hard to be a good person. Let's have each other's backs while we try and fail. And I thought that was a really great way of looking at him. I do miss having that congregational aspect and that like hour of, let's sit and together and sing and somebody reads a poem.
It's just the God stuff that I don't, I'm not excited about. My friend just converted to Judaism and it was so nice to go to her ceremony and have this like kind, welcoming community where everybody's there and loving, but just, I don't know. And the misogyny is very exhausting. I like masturbating when I work at home. I don't want God watching me while I do that.
Do you guys know much about Quaker services? Quaker services are very fun.
Right, from what I understand them, and this I could very well be speaking from a position of ignorance, but you sit quietly until someone feels moved to speak. There's no one leading it. You speak for as long as you can and otherwise it's people sitting quietly. No, no, no, you speak for as long as you want, not for as long as you can. It's like a filibuster. It's not just a minute. You have to stop when you're done.
Who is most likely to volunteer for a one-way mission to Mars? Jess. Oh! Jess Ross. Okay.
Has said as much, I feel like. Maybe I'll die, but at least I'll die on Mars. Yeah, you're right, we did have this conversation. I feel like Trapp would as well. That seems like a very Trapp move. It's like, I've thought about it and it just makes sense.
I was gonna say, but Trapp is married, but also, yeah, Jess is also. About to be married, yeah. About to be married. Right, so yeah.
They don't have enough good beer on Mars. I feel like Trapp wouldn't do a good job. Trapp enjoys the drinks just as much as I do, I feel.
I don't know, what was the Matt Damon movie?
He started growing stuff. Yeah, he had potatoes. He could probably make some potato beer. Some vodka or some, yeah, yeah, potato beer or something.
You wanna slander Matt Damon? Allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly, Matt Damon in the movie The Martian, which is a real documentary about Matt Damon's life.
Who is most likely to get married next? Well, that's easy, that's Jess, right? Jess Ross is engaged to Kate, who's wonderful.
Yes. But what about after that? I guess maybe Teo. Oh yeah. There's.
Certainly none of us. Yeah, neither.
Oh, everyone's so happy. Hey, when we hit the age of 55, let's get married. Great, all three of us. All three of us.
Well, it'll be legal by then. That's true. When is polygamy gonna be legalized? This is the next great fight.
Who is most likely to miss a flight because they slept in?
Ally. Yes. Ally, the answer is Ally. Who, I don't know what's gonna be mean. Who is most likely to miss? Anything. That's the end of your sentence. Then probably Ally. Yes.
I've never missed a flight. Touch wood. Yeah, me neither. And I have a flight tonight on. Oh my god, you're already late. Yeah, I don't want to say it.
But I had to, okay, there we go. Oh no, this came loose. Oh my god. Wow.
Hosts. You're never hosting this podcast again. You're dead in this town. Telling down the walls. It's all coming apart.
Who is most likely to have been sent to the principal's office in grade school? I mean, I did and I was fine. I got sent to the principal's office.
Yeah, I definitely did. All of us did. I think all of us did.
I pretended I had head lice and then I touched someone whose first and last name I won't say. I've learned my lesson and I got in trouble for scaring her. Yeah, some fun hijinks. We all went to the principal's office because our fun hijinks just went a little bit too far.
Yeah, for sure. I just read a very, very sad article about a kid who died because he was deathly allergic to cheese and he was in middle school and some kid just flicked some cheese at him. Not knowing that he was allergic to cheese. Right. To dairy. Which like, what a benign bit. Yeah.
You then have to live with for the rest of your life. Yeah, that literally killed. I'll tell you something. You ever killed somebody with cheese? I feel like if you will die from that. I don't know how much time you had left anyway. I don't know how. If you're that allergic to something that common, you're probably not long for this world. Fuck that kid.
Allegedly. Who is most likely to run for political office? Most likely.
Well, I'm not allowed. That's right. Yeah, we'll do this by process of elimination. Not you. I mean, I can't go home and run for office against my terrible MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, who I will say his whole name of because he's a public figure and also a cunt.
Sue me, bitch. They won't sue you. They'll sue the company.
Good. Gary Diller versus Jacob Rees-Mogg. Bring it on.
Lily is Canadian. Yeah. I feel like she might be out even though I guess she might. Lily would be good. Lily would be good and I also feel like would run for office. Yeah, I trust Lily with having a good and righteous point of view on things.
Zach is too chill to run for office. It would be exhausting.
I've got a lot of nudes of myself. Yeah. That is not really. Oh yeah, I also do have a lot of nudes of myself. That's not a great. Yeah, all three of us have a lot of nudes of ourselves.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That are pretty easy to hack. No, no, no, no. A few hack wraps. Google Drive. You can hack my shit. Raftdaddy69. That's his password.
You have nudes but you have nudes that you're too proud of. Oh yeah, we've all seen Grant's nudes. Well look, I showed my D in this room for Total Forgiveness.
Oh yeah. Wild. Boy, what a character I am. Did we settle on that? Who is the most likely? Most likely to run for political office. Actually, that's Ross again. Yeah, Lily. Who is the most likely to break a Guinness World Record? For what? I feel like Brennan, but just because that seems nerdy. You all didn't break any Guinness World Records for you and Allie on Total Forgiveness? I feel like Zach might, just because Zach sometimes is like, I can do this. Yes. Don't tell me I can't do this. Right, but he's wrong always.
Yes, but there are so many weird Guinness World Records. Tallest Tower of Sugar or whatever. That I feel like if somebody dead Zach in just the right way is to challenge his ego, he would be like, I'm going to prove it to you. I was a part of an attempt at breaking a Guinness World Record. The thing was to have the longest.
Most nudes. That shouldn't have got me as hard as that. You know what? Jesus, that should have been my closer.
But it was the longest impromptu set, the longest continuous impromptu. It was unbearable. That's too much improv. Yeah, it was way too much.
But then so we did it. It was like for three days. And then but when we submitted, they were like, no, it was some type of technicality. Yeah, we weren't able. It might have been because there wasn't an official. Oh, yeah, you need to have an official representative from the Guinness World Record. You were just reading from a script. It wasn't everybody.
You still get those books at Christmas. I feel like that was like a staple. I don't know what to buy this eight year old child. I'll get them the Guinness World Record. That's an industry that has to have been eaten alive by the internet. Why would there still be published books of it? Right? Okay. You know, let that be online. That's a fine place to keep it. But still uncles and aunts need to buy their nieces and nephews that they don't ever see and have nothing in common with bullshit gifts. Yeah. What would that be? I guess they just buy them like phone accessories. They can just spend more than 20 bucks. That's what I gave my cousins last Christmas.
You fucking piece of shit. Who is most likely to gamble away their life savings?
Great. I am. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's very easy.
I think I kind of already have. Yes, you did. You dabbled it away on Tish. A couple of times. I've really bet hard on like, oh, so acting training. How about my sketch comedy career?
Oh, God, so much. UCB has so much of our money.
Who is most likely to write a best selling book or memoir? Book trap. Yeah. Memoir alley. Yeah, I would read Allie's memoirs. Every time we talk, there's just like some little snippet of insanity. I feel like I would also love to read your memoir because every now and again you say a story from your childhood that is so wild to me.
Man, I got to tap into this. Like that time. Was that time your parents just left you at a truck stop? Yeah, I mean, that happens though. I'm sure this does it though. I think it probably does.
Yeah, they left. Yeah, we were going. We were driving. We drove to Florida. We were going back to Chicago and somewhere in Indiana.
They left me. And then I was there at the but the gas station. It wasn't like just the empty gas. They had a subway there. So I went and I got a sandwich and then I just waited for them to come back. To come back?
Yeah. You didn't cry or? No, I didn't. I would have cried immediately. I was a grown ass man. I would cry now. As a fully grown adult. If I got. I was like four. Well, wait. No, I must have been. No, yeah, like 12 or 13. Yeah, I would have cried.
Kind of sandwich. I don't remember. It was something from subway. Olives. Do olives on that subway sandwich? I don't know. I don't love olives from subway. I like olives from.
I agree with you. From like an Italian restaurant. They have those out. Like I'll eat those. Those are good. I kind of like those subway ones.
They are trash. There's something about eating trash that you're when it's a way. You know, is that eat trash?
Is that what we're allowed to say? Are we allowed to say things like that?
This is a lot girl. I don't know. I'll book it over at Marie. We'll see.
The trash olives at subway. I find personally delicious. And maybe you should go and buy some or not.
Who is most likely to end up on Broadway? Well, definitely not any of us. I guess out of all of us.
Yeah, I guess it would. Dare you. I guess it would be true.
This is unbelievable. You know, I'm on a cast recording. Okay. Yeah. The Dance Dance Revolution. No, no of futurity. The musical. Excuse me. That's much more serious. You go. You guys.
I was afraid that this was going to happen. I almost said it beforehand.
You guys can't just talk about musicals the whole time. The question is right there. I'm not. I don't know anything about musicals. But you all have. Now we're not allowed to sing.
But if I could. If I could. I would.
I would sing like a fucking bird right now. God, I'm so talented.
That doesn't mean. Yeah, that doesn't mean what you're mean to me.
Singing like a bird means you're confessing to crimes and you're going to snitch on your higher ups. I've done a lot of that too. I've been testing a lot.
Who is most likely to invent something that will better humanity? Well, all of us are trash people. Why? None of us have any of us. I mean, I feel like this, the answer to this is like Rick. Somebody who he's.
Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, it can be. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.
Rick is 100 percent. Yeah, we'll go with Rick.
And for the politician person, I might say Denise. Oh, my God. I would love Denise.
We don't know that. Yeah, I don't know how effective it'll be.
But in this. I mean, look, it would be entertaining. That's exactly. That's the person who rents a two damn high 2.0. And I would vote for her. Absolutely. Denise does make up a lot of the time. Yeah, she rules. Yeah. And yeah, but. And we'll also just decide to do things and do them. Yes. Yeah. Makes executive decisions.
Yeah, she's very cool. Yeah, she was in the army. She was in the army. She's from the south side of Chicago.
Yeah. She will beat you up. Yeah. Her and Katie are similarly like. I actually got into a fistfight on the highway. Yeah, yeah. And I very much enjoy it.
Who is most likely to pull an Oceans 11 style heist and skip town? Man. Sam. What a dream.
Really? No, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.
How can he skip town? He has the most invested here. He has a house. Well, trap has a house too. Yeah, all these people with their houses.
God damn. I would love to run a heist. We got our phones pickpocketed from us. Yes. But it was so impressive. I'll say it.
It was at the fucking abbey.
It was our goddamn phone back, you bitches. Put some cameras on the dance floor. There were more than 100 phones stolen at the abbey the year before.
That's not slander. That's a fact. We saw it online. So it must be true.
Fucking garbage. Sorry, Marie.
The pickpocket is so smoothly that we just didn't see it. And I just want to meet that pickpocket, mostly to get my fucking phone back. But also, like, what an impressive skill. I would love to be able to pickpocket. Since I was a child, I've always been like, that is a skill that I wish to acquire and I don't know how.
I was going to say that's very British of you. Really? Well, to me. It feels like it's from Oliver.
But I think that also, weirdly, there's that scene in the Ninja Turtles movie, the live action one, where he has to pick up all of the bells, which I guess is not pickpocketing. It's like ninja stuff that was always like, I want to be able to be that. Ninja stuff. It's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
What happened, though? What did they do? Did they put something in someone's pocket?
Is that why it's not pickpocketing? No. He has to just like, there's a bowl full of bells and he has to pick up all of the bells without making a noise. Oh, so he just has to be quiet. Yeah, but that's hard.
They're bells. They're designed to make noise. They're little sleigh bells.
You know, so, but I don't know. So, stealth. You always want us to be stealthy.
I do think that I could run an Ocean's Eleven heist, which I know is also not true, but like my best, that's what my best self is doing. Sure. So, I'm pitching myself for this thing. Well, maybe Olivia or Frank. The people who have production skills would be much better at this. Honestly, probably Marie. I think Marie would be really good at running a heist. Heist? Yeah. No, Marie. Yeah, see? Yeah, you be great at it.
Ocean's Nine. They just meet. They just get to Ocean's Eleven again.
That's cute. Who is most likely to get starstruck by somebody? Ooh, that's tough. Oh, you and Alison Williams. Ha, ha, ha. We filmed a sketch for the movie Get Out with Alison Williams when that movie was coming out, and Alison came into the office to do a sketch.
Now, I'd written it, and so I needed to be on set in case there were any last-minute changes that needed to happen that day, but I had such a high fever. I was so sick, and I was so white and sweating so much that they had to pat me down with towels and stuff, to the point where Alison Williams, who I just met that day, said, are you okay? I said, I'm so sick.
Trapp said he was going to say to her, listen, it's really sweet of you to be nice to Grant. He's a very big fan. That's why he's sweating so much, because he's just really intimidated by you, which would have been very, very funny. That's really funny to say to somebody, you'll never meet again. No, yeah, or in passing, and be like, oh, God, get me away from this fucking lunatic who can't control his body.
So me and Alison Williams. Yeah, I don't know. It's tough.
I feel like, because I worked in restaurants in New York for such a long time, I got my Starstruck out. Who was the biggest person that you were most Starstruck? Yes, Starstruck.
It's weird. It's not the people that you would necessarily expect. I mean, some people, I waited on Anna Winter once, and she was terrifying in a perfect way, in a way that every, oh, this is exactly the interaction that I want with Anna Winter. And I waited on Meryl Streep once, and the two women, which was very intimidating, it was a fully uninteresting experience, other than the fact that she was there, and the two women sitting next to her, these fantastic, very sweet, older ladies.
As soon as she got up, they both grabbed me like this by the arm, and were like, we were so good. We didn't say anything. We did such a good job. That was Meryl fucking Streep. What just happened? We just had lunch here. This is amazing. But I feel like having, because I'm from a fucking tiny village in the middle of nowhere, but I got all of my Starstruck out, working at those places.
Because after you've waited on Oprah twice. You waited on Oprah twice?
My grandfather was her doorman for years. Great. Is she great, or is she a nightmare? She was great to him. She was very nice to him.
I don't know what it's like to work for her personally, on the show, or if you're a producer. I mean, she hasn't had the show anymore, but when she had the show, if you were a producer on the show, I don't know how stressful that was.
What's my Star Trek you've been? Star Trek? What's the most Star Trek you've been?
This is also what it's like shooting sketches with Grant. I can't. I'm a wreck. It's like I've had a stroke already. Oh, God. There was one sketch that we did that there's a blooper reel for, which is that, oh, is this content, is this branded? And the whole blooper reel is Trapp being effortlessly brilliant and me failing to say my one line over and over and over again, and then Grant breaking.
I had a lot of fun that day. Yeah. It's the one where Katie was like, yeah. That makes me laugh so much. Was truly so funny.
I don't think it was even scripted. The yeah, it was scripted. No. So she was just very quietly like, yeah. Excellent sketch.
I think I remember the first time I was Starstruck in LA, and this is going off of what Siobhan, what you were saying about, sometimes it's not people that you, it's not like the biggest stars, but Tyler Kweli, the rapper, came into, I was working at this furniture store, and I look up, and then I look, I did a double take. I can't believe this person is here. I was a big fan of his, and then, but I mean, I've met, well, I didn't meet Tom Hanks, but I went at a previous job. I was at like a event, like a gala event thing, and Tom Hanks was there, and we interviewed him. Yeah, but as far as people that were really, that I was Starstruck by, Tyler Kweli was the first, and that's one that, yeah, because it's people that do something impressive, that it's like, I grew up listening to this music. Anybody can act, but it's hard to make good music. I'm just like seeing them in the wild for the first time.
Right, he's shopping for furniture here. Like this is, I know what a piece of his bedroom is going to look like, because he bought this bed.
But yeah, the way I said that was creepy, but yeah. It's true though. I don't know. It's weird. Yeah.
We live very blessed lives. Yes, we do. We've been in unimportant service situations with a lot of famous people.
Also, I will say that I actually was a little Starstruck with this job a little bit. When I first, I'll explain this. When I came into interview, I assumed that it was going to be an assistant or somebody come down to get me. When I talked to security, they were like, okay, yeah, they're going to come down, or Marie, I thought somebody like you was going to come down to get me.
Somebody unimportant. Wait, you're not important. No, I'm saying you're right. Somebody is just bullshit. But you're not an important person.
No, honestly, no, but that would have put me at ease. I would have been relaxed in that situation.
But Trap came down and I was like, oh, they're trying to fuck with my head. This is a power move. I know it's. Can you imagine Trap making a power move? Trap doing some move like a famous late night producer, whose name I won't say, making you wait for seven hours before they come to get you.
Jesus Christ. What a garbage job. So stupid.
I'm always baffled by. Oh, I can't do that. I'm always baffled by comedy jobs that aren't fun. Because you're not mentioning any name. But allegedly, some of them aren't fun.
And it's like, but you do fun for a living. And you can. I feel like you can tell if people aren't having fun because of the death behind their eyes when they're telling jokes. And it's so important. Yeah, have a nice time. You get to make jokes for a living. Got to have a nice time. I'll see you at the after party.
Yeah, they're not good.
Yeah, in an unrelated note, Adele Sandler is going to be. Well, we can't say the first and last name. My friend Adam, who I've not met, but I have listened to several of his songs. I'm very much looking forward to that.
Okay, now we have questions from your host. Oh, no, no, you. Okay, you're the host. You're the host.
All right, fine. Oh, just two questions. Yes. Okay, I'll do the short one first. Great. This is from... It's good time management.
These are from Dropout. By the way, if you're watching this on CH2, I got you. If you're watching this on CH2. It's already been out for two weeks on Dropout. It's been out for two weeks. Get over to Dropout.
You're living in the past. This is like, this is like how a black hole switches up. Everything that we've said in this podcast is so problematic because you're watching it two weeks later. Exactly. At the time, it was still fine for us to reference all of these people.
It's your fault. Your fault or cancel.
But yeah, hop on over there. These are questions from Dropout, right? Sorry. So, if you sign up for Dropout, you can be a part of the Discord and send us questions like this. All right. This one comes from Vice Principal Lunch Lad. Where did you first...
It's a D20 reference. Yeah, uh-huh. It's a D20 reference. Oh, and it's a D20 reference. Yeah.
Why didn't you know that, Raph? Raph, don't you watch all of the shows that are on Dropout? It's super long, but it's very good.
Where did you first get into... What's your favorite episode? I'm literally going to die. Where did you first...
I like the one with Brennan. The one with Brennan is my favorite episode.
Neither of you will be on this show. I wasn't even going to throw it back at you like that.
We all know the truth. Where did you first get introduced to comedy slash improv slash theater? I mean, theater. For me, that would go way before the other ones. That's from Vice... Thank you, Vice Principal Lunch Lad. I mean, I feel like the first theater I ever saw that I remember being like, this is magical and I must do this, was there was like a kids' theater performer that came to my school and did a puppet, one person puppet storytelling thing of The Snow Queen, the Hans Christian Anderson story. And I remember as like a five-year-old being like, this is the best thing I've ever seen in my life.
And how do I do it? And now I do puppetry, not at all.
My first night in New York, I went to school in New York. Oh, really? Tish, tish, tish. Well, the whole city's a campus. And you have someone who... You have a sophomore take around your group of freshmen for Welcome Week. And the first night that I was there, my sophomore mentor took us to the Upright Citizen Brigade for ASCAT. Which was incredible. And my first thing in New York was seeing this amazing show at this place.
And I thought like, oh, I've got to do this. And then I did. And then I was like, well, that's over. That became my 20s. Yeah, so much of my 20s was in that beautiful stinky basement.
R.I.P. doesn't exist anymore. They blew it up. They didn't. Some other improv theater took it over. But fuck them.
I just want to go back there and play in the Chelsea picture. I'm excited about it. I can't. It was in the World Trade Center.
Wow, keep on drinking that water. Drink more of it.
So my first... My first introduction.
Well, it's a theater. I think the first play, my first experience with theater, I was in a play in Chicago at a theater called the Goodman Theater. And it was like an original production. Wait, you're like a theater theater kid? Every time, fascinating stories. So this play was about...
I was 11 years old. Or I was 10 turning 11. I turned 11 during this production.
And the... Wait, this was like a long run? It was three... The run was three months. I feel like we rehearsed for a month before?
You just hear the jealousy dripping off of Siobhan's voice. I was not. You're eating herself alive. Join the youth theater because they couldn't be fucked to take me.
Well, this is what you... I mean, yeah, a small village. This was Chicago, but London is... And Bath is also a big theater town. Nice. Which is very close to where I grew up.
But you weren't in those plays. It's fine. Well, I wasn't in those.
But this one was about a kid who was... It was a hyperactive kid and they were on Ritalin. This is how long ago it was. They were still putting kids like Ritalin.
Was the big drug of the future. Oxycontin.
But yeah, so for the first half of the play, all I remember is for the first half of the play, I was super hyper. And then for the second half, I had to be very sedated.
And so what was the message of this play, I wonder? It was lost on me. I'm not sure. It wasn't heavy-handed at all. But yeah, that was my...
And then for comedy in Chicago, I met people that were at the I.O. in Second City. Never went to I.O. or Second City when I was in Chicago. But then when I moved out here, I got plugged into I.O. because of them.
Awesome. Okay. Okay, this question is from TellaLorne. TellaLorne. That's a D20 reference. Okay. What episode is it from? Okay.
But okay, the question is, how do you all feel about parasocial relationships, i.e. being recognizable by a decent-sized fan base who feel like they know you, especially the back and forth between wanting to engage with your fans, but at the same time, how fandoms can sometimes have exactly zero chill? Our fan base is pretty chill. Yeah, our fan base is sweet.
Yeah, like, I don't think any of us are at the point where it's like, fuck, I can't walk down the street. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, that part is mostly good.
Thrilled every time. For granted myself.
Yeah, I mean, look, being on the internet, the fan base on the internet is very different from the fan base in real life. Anybody that introduces themselves in real life, is just very kind and very respectful. For sure. And so often, it's their dad that comes over and says, hi, would you take a photo with my child? I don't know who you are, but my son or daughter would like to meet you. Seems very excited. That happened to me at the march for our lives. The lady came over, and she was like, yeah, basically, exactly, my son knows who you are. He said I should get you to sign this. So sweet. Yes, that was very kind. Please come and talk to us. Yeah, for sure.
But yeah, being on the internet is a little bit more challenging. I did tweet about Game of Gate once, and that was bad. But I don't feel like that's really the College Humor fan base, as much as it is people trolling on Twitter to find women. Yeah, they find something to get angry about.
It's so baffling to me, because I really love nerdy things, and I play video games, and they don't want me there. And I wonder why. What is it about you that's none of those men? It's so baffling, because it's like, don't they want friends? I just want friends. I had no friends growing up, and it's very exciting to me when I find people who like the same things as me.
Even when they're men. In conclusion, being famous is a mixed bag. I do like it when people send me free stuff, which almost never happens. But I live in hope. Well, if you would like to send us free stuff, please send me a bag of bad Subway olives to the office. I'm a man.
So my experience with it is universally positive. It is good across the board. Things are wonderful for me forever. Yeah, my experience has been pretty good. Even the bad ones were fine.
Yeah, every now and again, there'll be somebody in the comments that will say something that's so specifically cutting. Oh, sometimes the comments are. Right. Yeah, comments are another little bit of another story.
I know where all of my acne scars are. I don't need anyone to tell me where they might be located. Also, you don't have to point out where you may have seen my underwear in a sketch. That's not a thing that needs to be mentioned in the comments. You can just notice it and keep it to yourself.
218. Yes, 218.
Is that underwear? Oh, no. Kind of confirmed. Yes, underwear. Underwear confirmed.
That is a nightmare. Yeah, pretty bad.
All right. Well, I think that about does it. In conclusion. If, in watching this podcast, you see a weird jump in time, it's probably because we went too far down a rabbit hole of things we were expressly told not to say before we started. I'm very explicitly told. We were given good instructions. It's nothing to do with anybody else but us being bad people. Yes, yes. And that is our fault. Really, actually, though, I blame the host. Oh, yeah. It's definitely Raf's fault. He didn't keep us under control. And that's his job, to keep us, the wayward guests of this podcast. That's right. Under control.
We love brands. All brands. All kinds of brands.
Sure. Again, if you are a brand and you would like to send us gifts, please do. Yeah, do that right now. We will be so excited and we will tweet about it. All right. This has been the latest episode of the CH podcast. Check us out on dropout.TV and join us on the exclusive Dropout Discord. Ooh. Hell, yeah. See how I did that? That was very good.
Goodbye. Bye, everybody.
Hey, it's Grant. If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of 0.005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord, where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
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Wizards_with_Guns | medusa_turns_a_furry_to_stone_wizards_watch | Hey guys, our mic screwed up while filming this video, so we're sorry about the garbage audio, but you might be able to fix it if you liked the video. Thanks!
Welcome to another wizard's watch.
All right, here we go. Welcome to when the wizard... We got it! I was just joking man, I was just kidding. Hey, it's all right Mitch. What are you doing?
He's sleeping! It's just a nap!
All right Mitch, come on. Oh no! Oh my god!
Let's see if he's still alive. Here's a pulse.
Today we're watching Percy Jackson, the lightning thief. Written by JK Robert. Suggested by... Jacob Pfeiffer. If there's a movie you want us to watch next time, please leave a comment below. We're watching movies with magic. Mitchell didn't notice! They keep starting the movie! Poseidon, what do you see?
Thunderclouds. But no lightning. We are forbidden from stealing each other's powers. But our children aren't.
You're accusing my son. Do you think Poseidon will like playing that out if he looked at his closet? He's like, oh yeah, hoodie under the blazer. That's the move. I'm Poseidon by the way. Give me another one of these gray hoodies. Oh, and flood Japan by the way. Yeah! Would someone please explain what Shakespeare was trying to convey in this line from Adela? Percy Jackson? Well...
He's just really sick. He pukes on his death. Yeah, I drank too much water from the pool.
Oh, come on, man. You have to do that right here? Show some respect. All right, that's my mom right there. This is my house. You show some respect.
Why do you stay with that pig? He smells like a sewer.
Imagine hooking up with Poseidon and then having to settle for Bill Burr. That's not Bill Burr. I think I know Bill Burr. It's just like Balding Man number three. He's just, he's Bill Burr adjacent. He's Phil Burr.
The children of these unions were half god, half human. Can anyone tell me what they were called? Percy. Oh, I'm sorry, what? Oh, Mr. Brunner?
Don't make a joke about the guy in the wheelchair, Mike. Stop conflating that we make fun of people. Oh, we don't. These guys. Stop. No, it's just, it's just Michael. Okay. They're lying. You guys are trying to cancel me. What's so funny about him being in a wheelchair? I can't. No, you're making me laugh! It's the wheels.
Oh my God. Where is it? Oh, whoa. Hey, hey. How did you get up there? You stole the lightning bolt. I don't know what you're talking about. Give it to me. Why is he like asking questions? What lightning bolt are you talking about? I would go. What the fuck is that? What's happening? I would be horrified.
Everything I do to be real has changed. Why is he just casually like, I don't remember a lightning bolt. Let's see, I got up, I had cereal. There was no lightning bolt between then and now. And then you turned into a freaky demon monster.
Release him! You release him or I swear I'll tear you to pieces. Don't. Michael, stop. Don't make an Avengers based joke about... He's Iron Man. Because of the metal. No! Only use it in times of severe distress.
This is a pen.
Take him to his mother and don't let him out of your sight. Okay. Man, what's going on? Don't do that. Michael Frank. Don't, Mike. Come on. You're gonna make him look like a bad person. He doesn't make those jokes.
Thank you. All the time. Thank you.
Why are you taking your pants off? What are you doing? My job. Whoa, whoa.
You're half donkey? I'm half goat. Those are really well hidden goat legs. Everybody's half something. I'm half cinderblock. Oh, that sucks. He's dragging half his rock hard body.
Wait up for me, guys.
Remember Greek myth? Put my mother down.
What can I do? We should use the pen. What? Use funner's pen and click it. That was so easy.
That wound would not kill that thing. He passes out. That's his weakness. Any time you stab somebody, he blacks out.
My weakness is I throw up if I have too many peeps. How many peeps we talking?
Four, five. That's not a lot. Just like once a year, normally. Yeah, Easter. No. Hanukkah.
So, this is camp half luck. Half meaning what? I think you know. Half meaning half mortal, half god.
This has to be get picked up by like aircraft. The CIA just has a dossier on this compound. We think Osama bin Laden is hiding right around here.
Are you recovered? Am I recovered?
You, you're not in a wheelchair. You have a real horse's ass. Is that all under the blanket? What if the back end of the horse is still in a wheelchair? What if he's like wheeling around like, don't mind me, just a normal, you know, guy in a wheelchair, and he's just got a full horse half just loosely dragging back. The horse half is sitting in the chair, so he's like 12 feet tall, like all the way up on the horse foot. It's so obvious. He can't reach the wheel.
Don't you think these guys would have guns by now? Yeah. Like if Poseidon can wear a hoodie, these guys can find a glock.
I can't believe they got capture the flag around him. They don't have to bring it anywhere, they just have to pick it up. Man, Halo would have been way different back then. He just had to pick it up. You guys down for another game of grab the flag? Yeah, he's got to hold it. You just got to touch it. Another game of look at the flag.
Your mother is still alive. I sent the Minotaur to abduct her. She is here with me in the underworld. What have you done with my mother? If you ever want to see your mother again, you will bring me the bolt. So this kid watches his mother get crushed by a Minotaur, and he's like, yeah, no, I'm definitely down for capture the flag.
I'm not grieving or anything. It's insane. Hey guys, Percy, figured you'd stop by sooner or later. Everybody does. Get away from all that Renaissance fair stuff out there.
You know, he's got two monitors. He's got two monitors, but he wears a helmet.
Come on. Put down the PS2 controller and put on your greaves. The people have gone to the underworld before without having to be dead. Getting in is the easy part. Getting out, well, that's tricky.
This is a map to Persephone's pearls. Persephone? You mean Hades wife?
Yeah, he forced her to marry him. Keeps her prisoner. Needless to say, she hates it there. It's hot. He's a weirdo.
So she has secret visitors. She keeps pearls hidden for them all over the world. And these pearls, they provide a quick escape from the underworld. She makes them with her butt. She cooks them in her butt.
It reminds me, you guys might need some extra protection. So my favorite shield. The thing was so heavy. The sword pen kind of fits in my pocket. So like, could it fit this in a stapler like the sword?
You see my dad on the highway to hell? Yeah. Kick his ass for me. A third of this movie's budget went to licensing highway to hell. That was my old contextual joke. For the part where they're going to hell.
How much? Guys, we ran out of cash. We can't afford highway to hell. All we could afford was a ladder to purgatory.
Hello? Anybody home in Annieville? A statue themed warehouse in a Greek mythology young adult film. I wonder which character they're going to meet. Oh yeah.
Uma Thurman plays Medusa. Uma Dusa plays Matherman? Thermus plays Medusol? Uma plays a theremin?
Check this out. He's just like my uncle Ferdinand. That's crazy. Wait a minute. This statue is screaming in terror. And it's wearing a hoodie. Dad? This one's a baby. Some of them appear to be... What did you say Mitch? This one's a baby?
There's just a furry in their fursona suit. But it was a giraffe fursona.
It's so tall. It dupes over so easily.
It's a hole for the face. I hope you find my eye. What if the whole time one of the snakes keeps biting her in the eye? You dare approach the... Oh fuck. I got a snake in my eye. Shit, shit, shit, shit. This one's the poison one.
Gregory. Gregory, I told you. Don't fight. Let go Gregory. Not now. Later Gregory.
I hear you have the lightning bolt. May I see it?
The snakes are getting me. They're getting my balls. These snakes are biting my balls.
Did you just do that windows movie maker effect? Mom, mom who taught you premiere pro? That was a great shot mom.
Mom, I pooped in the pool. I shit the pool.
Don't tell, don't tell my stepdad. Don't tell Bill Burr, please. It's not Bill Burr.
He's going to use it for his stand-up material. I just know it. Okay, so what are we going to do? I got this. You got what?
She just shot him. She shot him in the spine.
He'll never walk again. Oh my God. That guy's not going to wake up. That guy just slammed his head on a tile. His neck lather. My seventh guy.
Nobody's turned around by then. Every time they were not paying attention. And every time they got shot, they went ah. And then you would do the doo-doo just to put headphones on them. They're just not paying attention. No, he normally screams on the night shift.
There it is. That's what I'm talking about. All right, let's grab everything. Let's go. Oh, man.
This is why there are seven janitors. Okay, this is bad. I don't know about this guy. Just one bigger janitor. It's not a mythical creature at all. It's just a 30 foot tall janitor. He's as wide as five janitors.
Try a lotus flower. They're so good. It's their signature dish. Really signature. Is it good? Thank you.
Yo, do we have to pay for this? I guess we don't. It's free.
That's really good. I love how any movie that's like PG-13 or PG when there's like a drug like thing in which goes there's never anything but chuckling. Nobody's like like puking or freaking out.
I would be so paranoid. Just is it cold in here guys? I'd be like it's really cold in here.
Are my hands okay? Did I look fine? Somebody pissed my pants.
Welcome to the underworld. What is all this? The scrap heap of human misery.
Oh, so it's the chilies. It's like the golden corral. It's just like a golden corral. You got the boat, the floating boat. There's a little chicken wing floating in the chocolate fountain over there. That's how you know either you're in hell or a golden corral. We have visitors.
Nephew. It's a comedic actor. I forget his name. Nicolas Cage. Oh, that's Nicolas Cage.
It is. No, it's Weird Al. No, it's not. He's the guy who played the Roman legionary in Night at the Museum.
Oh. Bill Cosby. That's it. That's what I was thinking about. Percy. Oh, so funny.
A gift card to Macy's fell out of the shield.
It's a DVD for the movie Bolt. What is this? It's a great film. It's got a lot of heart. Oh no, I only have a Blu-ray player.
This is truly hell. You're wise to betray your father.
I didn't steal it. And I have no connection to Poseidon. But tell me, if you didn't steal it, then who did?
Luke, son of Hermes. You see, he was angry at you. All of you. He wanted you to destroy yourselves.
Why is everyone in this movie a cosplayer? Why is everyone in this movie an actor?
What? How old was I when you left? Seven months. Look, I didn't need you there all the time.
But I just need one face. Can you drown my stepdad in the sink? Like you're a god. You can do that, right?
It's water. Oh, that movie flew by. That is fast moving. It's good. Good pacing.
What did we think? Yeah, we gotta... Wait. Dude, it's a post-credits scene. I was about to say...
I have no idea what they could possibly say. Absolutely no clue. What?
Do not open. That little brat. I may not live here anymore. Still the king of this castle. Wow. He's dark. I don't know why.
That's pretty fucked. What a weird notion. Like he was like a real like piece of crap. But that was kind of dark. So they inserted that line of like, what about Gabe? Oh, I kicked that guy out. He was a total loser. And then the writer's like, no. No, let's fucking murder him. I mean, that was a fun movie. I actually expected much worse from it.
So out of nowhere, there's just that dude, Luke. He literally got more screen time playing video games and being the villain. It's true. He played COD more than he stole lightning. It's always the gamer. It's the villain. It's always the gamer. I should have known he was the villain.
Video games cause that sort of thing. It causes violence. They do. What if he was playing the no Russian mission?
You gotta edit that. You have to edit that in. That's gonna be so funny.
If he was, you'd be like, oh, is he a bad guy? What do you rate this film, Mitch?
One lightning bolt. Out of two. I give it half a horse slash half a guy, I think. I give it one and a half wheelchairs.
Thanks for watching. Please subscribe for our weekly sketches. And please ding the notification bell. It really helps us out. Another way to help us out is by supporting us on Patreon. We'd really appreciate it. Also check out our socials.
They're right here. If you have this one, I feel really bad for you. But if you have this one, you're cool. That's a good one. It's the subway app. You're still here.
You're going to remember me, right? You're going to tell my story. When I'm gone, you better tell everybody that I made a lot of videos about poop with my friends.
It's true. Nephew. It's a comedic actor. I forget his name. Nicolas Cage. Oh, that's Nicolas Cage. It is. No, it's Weird Al. No, it's not. He's the guy who played the Roman legionary in Night at the Museum. Oh, Bill Cosby. That's it. That's what I was thinking about. Percy. So funny.
A gift card to Macy's fell out of the shield.
It's a DVD for the movie Bolt. What is this? It's a great film. It's got a lot of heart. Oh, no. I only have a Blu-ray player. This is truly hell.
You're wise to betray your father. I didn't steal it. And I have no connection to Poseidon. But tell me. If you didn't steal it, then who did?
Luke, son of Hermes. You see, he was angry at you. All of you. He wanted you to destroy yourselves.
Why is everyone in this movie a cosplayer? Why is everyone in this movie an actor?
What? How old was I when you left? Seven months. Look, I didn't need you there all the time, but I just need one face.
Can you drown my stepdad in the sink? Like you're a god. You can do that, right?
It's water. Oh, that movie flew by. That movie is fast-moving. It's good. Good pace.
What did we think? Yeah, we gotta... Wait. Dude, it's a post-credits scene. I was about to say predictions.
I have no idea what they could possibly say. Absolutely no clue.
That little brat. Well, I may not live here anymore. Still the king of this castle.
Wow. This is dark. I don't know. That's pretty fucked. What a weird note to end.
Like he was like a real like piece of crap, but that was kind of dark. So they inserted that line of like, what about Gabe? It's, oh, I kicked that guy out. He was a total loser. And then the writers were like, no, no, let's fucking murder him. I mean, that was a fun movie. I actually expected much worse from it. So out of nowhere, there was just that dude, Luke.
He literally got more screen time playing video games and being the villain. He played Cod more than he stole lightning. It's always the gamer. I should have known he was the villain. Video games cause that sort of violence.
It does. They do.
What if he was playing the no Russian mission?
You got to edit that. You have to edit that in. That's going to be so funny.
If he was, you'd be like, oh, is he a bad guy? What do you rate? What do you rate this film?
One lightning bolt. Out of two. I give it half a horse slash half a guy, I think. I give it one and a half wheelchairs.
Thanks for watching. Please subscribe for our weekly sketches and please ding the notification bell. It really helps us out. Another way to help us out is by supporting us on Patreon. We'd really appreciate it. Also check out our socials.
They're right here. If you have this one, I feel really bad for you. But if you have this one, you're cool. That's a good one. It's the subway app. You're still here. You're going to remember me, right? You're going to tell my story. When I'm gone, you better tell everybody that I made a lot of videos about poop with my friends. It's true. |
SaturdayNightLive | david_spade_summer_concerts_saturday_night_live | And now, with a review of the concerts he saw over the Christmas break, here's our Music correspondent. it's David Spade. Thank you, crowd.
Well, the first show I saw was Leonard Skynard. that's right, Norm. Leonard Skynard. what can I say? I'm a redneck from Arizona. I like this band because my brother liked it when we were kids, and I thought he was cool. And by the time I figured out he was an idiot, it was too late. I was a Skynard fan.
So, I go to the show because I want to hear my favorite songs, but I know I'm going to have to sit around for two hours because, God forbid, they open with Freebird, right? it'd be a trampoline getting out of there. Anyway, we got some other stuff, dudes. they should call all their other songs not Freebird. here's another song that's not Freebird. And the guys behind me are going, it's Freebird. surrounded by Nell.
So, the next night, I go see the Eagles at Sun Devil Stadium. Yeah, oh, yeah. And the best thing about them is they have the sheer nerve to open with Hotel California. they're like, oh, yeah, that's right. and we can follow it. we have 2,000 songs. the only problem is they did what a lot of bands do. they try to incorporate your city into their song to kiss up to the audience. like, we're supposed to be so impressed that they can read our town off the back of a mic stand, right? So, they come out and sing, on a dark Arizona highway. and I'm like, ah! I thought it was dead! cool Scottsdale wind in my hair. Ah! still, that's funny. warm smell of Sun Devil Stadium. Okay, we got it. welcome to the hotel area. get off.
Then I took my 11-year-old cousin to see Green Day. we were on the show last month. they were on our show recently. and at first, I didn't like these guys because they were from Britain. and I found out they weren't, so I liked them for about 20 seconds until I realized they were pretending to be from Britain. I bought more living clothes, more art. aren't you guys from Portland? let's bring it down about a million percent. I guess they had a layover at Heathrow and couldn't shake the accent. Me suppences and me puppets. not this time, gang. me blooming naked. nope, sorry. oh, I've got. no, no, no. no, I know you think you're. I think you're being a little rough on these guys there, David. I mean, you know, they were Rolling Stones' favorite new band. they sold 4 million albums, you know. nothing personal, but, you know, I think your career could use a splash of jolly Old England there. Well, then why don't you join me in me flat for some puppets, you know? not now.
Geez, you got to. he's into it there, buddy. All right, whatever. thank you, Norm. I will see you later, Matey. |
cracked | 8_famous_movies_that_are_saved_by_historical_inaccuracies | What if period films had to be completely historically accurate? They'd suck hard. Letting Hollywood take license with the inconveniently boring facts of actual history is what's made America the number one non-three hour dance based film exporter in the world and 108th in world history test scores. Don't believe me? Let's see how some great movies would have been ruined by being anything other than utter bullshit.
Remember this dude from gladiator and then your nightmares? Well in real life, Commodus was actually a pretty decent emperor who ruled for a healthy 13 years before a wrestler took him out in a nude bathhouse. Yum! Or take Braveheart guy. In reality, William Wallace was actually a well-funded militant separatist with extreme political views who attacked a larger more organized society using guerilla tactics and no regard for civilian casualties. His biggest attack?
Pulled on September 11th. Never forget. Even in the past. The cold mountain guy was real, but there's no record of him abandoning his post for love. There's just a record of him abandoning his post.
Twice. And now he's Jude Law. Mozart and Salieri were friends.
Mayans didn't really sacrifice hearts to coco-can and by all accounts Rudy is kind of a prick. Oh, and speaking of pricks, every one of the 300 dudes was both boned by an older man as a child and boned a child before leaving for battle, which explains why they're so handy with spears, but not the slo-mo painted abs or monster man. I mean for God's sake, the Patriot would have been about a guy burning churches, slaughtering unarmed Cherokee and raping his female slaves.
That's what the real guy Mel Gibson was playing did over here in life, where everything is awful. So do the right thing. Help keep historical accuracy out of our movies. It's like they say. Study history or else you're doomed to improve upon it in the film version.
Hey guys, it's Harlem Shake Videos and we've been waiting so long to do one. So that's an excuse to do it. Here we go. Here's a Harlem Shake. No, we're not doing that. We're working. Hey guys, subscribe to our videos. Thanks. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_dilbert_on_scott_adams_racist_rant_snl | Newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip, Dilbert after its creator, Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. Off the record, he's got a point. Hey Michael, Hi Dilbert. So had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before? Michael? I think I can speak for myself and the entire all-white staff at the Dilbert offices.
When I say this was a total shock? I mean, most cartoonists are weird, but racist. Weird. Let's just say I didn't see that memo right. Memos work is they can be funny too. That's kind of my thing. So you just thought Scott was weird.
No, I knew he was bad.
He made me go into the office every single day during Kovat, and he knows I'm autoimmune. You're autoimmune. Do I look like somebody who's not autoimmune?
You have a real athlete. My hair is skin. Michael, Your hair is skin. Yes, I cannot stress this enough. My hair is entirely skin and it has been the great tragedy of my life.
I'm very sorry. No, I'm sorry Michael for racism.
Maybe I was just blind to it. I mean, my glasses are literally opaque white. But to me, he was just Scott the funny guy. the Trump supporting cartoonist who did magic in his spare time. had a great Kevin Hart impression. Well, that sounds like a racist to me. Well, turns out he was a racist and I'm his prized creation. I mean, what does that make me? I wanted answers.
So I took a God forbid personal day and really started to dig in on the concept of what his work right? Reading Karl Marx? Stokely Carmichael, lots of the black radicals, What? And I realized something even mundane work serves to uphold a capitalist system built to maintain a racial hierarchy.
But that's all about to change. Race wars coming, You ready? Michael? What? Are you ready? Because Dilbert's ready. I woke up this morning, ready to take the streets and paint the city with the blood of the white man. That's pretty intense man. Yeah. Then I had a cup of coffee and Michael. Like I always say, don't even talk to me before my coffee. Got it, Dilbert? Everybody. |
dropout | are_you_asian_enough | The tribunal of mixed Asian heritage will now decide the fate of... Mike Trapp?
Yes. Yes, that's correct. My great-grandfather was Korean. Dark hair. It's kind of tan. Okay. Yeah. I see it.
You are accused of claiming to know the best Korean barbecue joints without explanation and insisting your own authority on North Korean politics. How do you plead? Guilty, I guess.
Am I not Asian enough to do those things? You're only an eighth. Yeah, what is that even? Certainly your father would be Asian, but your children? One-sixteenth?
That's nothing. That's like half a slice of pizza. That's not even a snack.
As one eighth, the law of Asian heritage clearly states what you can and can't do. In casual conversation, you may claim to be Asian around those less Asian than you, but around those more Asian than you, you must wait for them to ask you about it. Okay, thank you. On formal documents, if there is the option to choose more than one ethnicity, you must tick Asian. If you can only select one, you may check Asian, but we will silently judge you. However, if it is a document requesting diversity-related scholarships, you should not check Asian, but we know that you will.
I'm sorry, this is very confusing. It's perfectly simple. Can I check the I Do Not Wish to Say box? Yes, but you'll imagine your grandmother looking very disappointed. Okay, that's fair.
Where does the panel stand on accents? Am I Asian enough to do a broken English accent as a joke or for a comedy sketch or something?
No. How good is it? No.
No, you are not Asian enough to do the accent. But you are Asian enough to be offended by it. Just don't, like, make a big deal out of it or anything. You'll embarrass yourself. You are Asian enough to enjoy Korean restaurants? Oh, anyone can do that. That's not fair. Don't interrupt me. Sorry. But you may act superior to others in a Korean restaurant because your grandmother made better food.
Okay, thank you. You are expected to get really excited when you see Randall Park and stuff? Oh, I would have anyway. I think he's great. That's true, actually. I really love him.
You are Asian enough to really enjoy anime? Although... Be honest with your build. It may make you look more white. Yeah, that makes sense. I kind of agree with you there. You are Asian enough to make your own kimchi without seeming like a tweed douchebag. But beware, you are also Asian enough to reinforce stereotypes if you're really good at Starcraft.
Oh, I'm not. Any questions? Can I use the three Korean phrases I know with Korean weight staff? Sure, I guess so. Oh, uh, no. Guys, to be honest, I don't even think I should be up here. No, you're fine. Okay, totally deferring to you guys, though.
Now we must adjourn so the Black Council can make their decisions. I'm an eighth black. You're black.
Let me down. |
cracked | how_american_christmas_is_destroying_beijing | Beijing is a beautiful, modern city in northeast China. It has everything you'd expect of a world capital. Cultural heritage sites, bars, beautiful parks, liquor stores, and numerous McDonald's locations. But Beijing also has 21 million citizens, almost one full Texas load of people. You might have picked up on a problem. When you cram that many people into a city and surround it with thousands of the most productive factories in the world, you get this.
I was driving and visibility was down to, the news said, 100 meters. It wasn't 100 meters. I could see about 60 feet. Headlights were useless.
It's not like fog. It's brown. You can't see through brown.
A few times there were reports of it grounding flights. That's Tyler Roney, an American expatriate living in Beijing. For about half the year, Beijing isn't much worse than living in Los Angeles or one of those towns downwind of a pig farm, otherwise known as all of Nebraska.
But during smog season, things get downright apocalyptic. You look out the window, you can see when it's going to be smoggy. There's a forecast online. Depends on how windy it is.
The smell is very metallic, but also a bit muddy. It's more savory. It's like when you blow the dust off a book, like that smell and taste.
Used to have about 160 bad days a year. They measure them in blue sky days. Let's put this into perspective a little. Here's how Los Angeles, America's most polluted city, looks on a bad day. And here's Beijing. During the winter, the city can spend weeks at a time completely blanketed in smog.
It affects every aspect of life. Pollution levels are measured by the air quality index, which goes up to 500. Or rather, 500 is as high as the scale measures. It's the level at which everyone in the city could be at risk for serious health problems. It is, however, possible to go above 500.
On a really bad day, Beijing breaks 700. For an idea of what that means, here's Beijing during a more or less clear day. And here's the same chunk of the city at 221. And then the smog literally gets three times that bad. Here's Beijing at 353. And here's a day at 572.
China does, occasionally, issue alerts. These are supposed to happen when the smog levels reach truly apocalyptic proportions. But they're more often enacted in order to make the city look clean for a holiday, or say, the Olympics.
They shut down schools. Parents aren't allowed to send their kids to school. Keep in mind that keeping children away from schools isn't to stop the smog. That's obviously to stop the children from, you know, collapsing and having asthma attacks on the street.
The cars on the road, the number plates are either even or odd. You have certain days on which you can drive in the week. I must say it is a little strange because they don't actually enforce it. People just know if they get caught, they're sort of screwed. But nobody actually really stops driving that much.
Also, they shut down factories throughout the surrounding area of Beijing and Tianjin. But most days, the citizens of Beijing can't count on smog alerts doing anything to clear out the persistent funk.
Thankfully, a whole industry has grown up to service smog-related needs, and it's only about 80% bullshit. I get a Facebook ad telling me for just $1,000, I can buy a product that will lower my home air pollution to safe levels. In schools, they buy these giant bubbles for the kids to play in in the gym. It's really just laughing our way through what will eventually kill us all. There's no shortage of people willing to capitalize on the fact that air has become slightly poisonous. We were having dinner one time, we saw anti-smog noodles in English, like that was really going to work on us.
The Chinese cure-all for everything, as everybody knows, is hot water, drink more hot water. But none of this is going to work. Traditional Chinese medicine cures can be extensive. So slapping therapy is a cure for pretty much anything from cancer to diabetes.
The slapping of the chest, really hard until it produces bruises, is supposed to help get the smog out of your lungs, also the legs for some reason. And you can even buy a stick online with which to beat yourself, and that will smack the smog out of your body. Fire therapy is one of the weirder traditional Chinese medicines. It involves, it's just setting you on fire, and it is supposed to help with the effects of smog and pollution. It's rubbing alcohol that's put on your leg or arms. Sometimes it's put on a towel, then the towel is lit on fire.
And as for Tyler, he prefers to use a much cheaper, and probably more effective method of air treatment. It's basically just an air filter tied to a fan with a little piece of velcro.
And it's already black with smog. As you probably guessed by looking at the giant filthy black spot, smog this bad means a shitload of it winds up inside people's lungs. This is not good for said lungs. And where the hell does all this lung-smothering, sky-erasing smog come from? The smog is always the worst around midnight because they let the construction trucks into the city. Early morning around midnight you can watch the smog get better during the day, but mainly because they stop most construction projects. A lot of it comes from farmers on the outside of the city burning trash, burning chaff from their crops. Obviously vehicles, you've got a city of 20 million people here and a lot of vehicles, so some people say that's approximately a quarter of all the smog.
But most of it comes from surrounding areas, particularly the manufacturing sector for which China is so famous. He means the vast sea of factories and manufacturing facilities all across North China that make, and I'm just guessing here, about 60% of the stuff in your house. They also make Christmas, which is not coincidentally the time of year where Beijing's smog is worst. There's an element that makes it sort of the west's fault. You have manufacturing towns that concentrate on one particular thing, like Iwu down in South China. It's where Christmas is made, Santa's actual workshop, where every bit of Santa hat, tinsel, Christmas tree that you have is made there.
It used to be a nice place, supposedly. This tiny town is really polluted. To say it's polluted in Beijing is wrong. The whole of North China, an area about the size of New Hampshire to North Carolina, just covered in gray fog. In 2006, between a quarter and a third of all China's air pollution came from the production of export goods, aka things we paid them to build for us. At least 20% of that pollution was courtesy of goods meant for the U.S. of A. Again, that's in 2006, before everyone in America had a smartphone and a tablet and or laptop as a matter of course. Our contribution to Beijing's smog problem sure as f*** ain't gone down since then. And what happens in China ain't gonna stay in China. Scientists have already noticed significant amounts of pollutants floating over to our west coast from Beijing and the surrounding areas. If this friendly pollution exchange keeps up, we're all going to need to worry about the consequences of daily smog breathing. And the only thing that can stop it is everyone banding together and agreeing that we don't need quite as much crap.
So yeah, you might want to stock up on fans and air filters now. Hey guys, Saturday, April 8th, we're doing a live after hours. Katie Willard, Daniel O'Brien, Sorin Bui, and I will be coming up with movie ideas too awesome to get made. Tickets are $7, there's probably more information somewhere on your screen and a place to click and buy them, so do that. |
cracked | why_tinder_works_and_is_ruining_online_dating_rom_com | So, are you going to tell us what this meeting is for, or just use your eyes to make one of us dead? She can't actually do that, right?
Why are our numbers down? Seasonality is a big part of the- We are a dating website. We take one lonely person and we stick them with another lonely person, and there are 300,000 lonely people that become sexually active every six minutes. So tell me, you mustard slurping noise machines, why is our dating website crumbling?
Well, maybe we've done our jobs too well. You know, already made every possible connection. Or maybe it's one of love's typical off-seasons. That's something I've heard of.
No! I've got it. Something Blake did. Thank you for calling FineLove.net. This is Blake. Ow!
It's Kindlin. What's Kindlin?
It's an app that takes away all the research, personality, and art, and matches people purely based on attraction. It's like, look, here's a picture of a face. Do you want to have sex at that face? Yes or no? And if the face also wants to have sex at your face, it's a- it's a sex face.
Kindlin and apps like it take away all the sophistication, all the skill, anything real, and replaces it with superficial carnal- Perfection. I was going to say different. Blake set up a meeting with this Mr. Kindlin fellow. Kindlin's not a person.
We don't have an intercom in here. He's late.
That be a power move? Should we be even later to counter?
Ooh, he's good this guy. Russ. Actually, I think his name is Rush. Like what frats do? Ah, he sucks this guy. Rush. He's still beating you to it, your jobs.
And you, right? I choose not to say it that way. What happened? Yeah!
Someone order a package. Rush delivery?
Haha! What up? I'm from Kindlin. Name is Rush. I'm Elise Gomez-Blackula, founder and president of FineLove.net. I assume you are Kindlin's CEO, yes? Whoo-hoo!
Chill, legs. Just chill.
We don't actually do labels over at Kindlin, but legit, if we split in pubic hairs, I would be a big CEO. Haha! That's my fish title. I had it made special. I added the big.
Anyway, I love what you're talking about the place right here. Yeah, yeah. No, it's got a real bring-your-mom-here kind of vibe.
That's not my thing. Kinda gross. Kinda like that front desk guy. No fish, Chief. Fuck the Chief's Gold Raiders.
Anyway, what are we talking about today? Rush. We're thrilled to finally have you to our offices for a meeting. Chill, legs. Can I stop ya? No one has ever tried. Cause I'm legit only here as a courtesy, and ooh, ooh, real quick, what's up, Red?
I hate you. Ooh, wow, that just came out. Nah. Anyway, y'all website is a little piece of mom and pop bullshit that wastes time on lengthy profiles cause y'all think that fucking is something more than it is. But news flash, dummies, it ain't. And that is why Ken Lynn is going to make orphans out of all of you. What?
The service you provide is something people want right now. Sure, but your app hasn't been around long enough for anyone to gather any hard science on exactly how successful you are at establishing real connections. So people will play and explore and run around on kindling, but when they're ready to slap on some big girl pants and try something real, fine love will be there. Well, that is a very interesting, albeit personal and otherwise baseless theory. But according to literally every study of behavioral economics on the adaptive unconscious, the average person can more accurately and authentically detect genuine affection and attraction within the first 15 seconds of seeing a potential partner. You take that science out of your tiny shit mouth right now. Indeed. The more time you're given, the more likely it is that your initial accurate assessment of a person or situation will become corrupted by your likes, dislikes, or unconscious prejudices. It's a phenomenon dubbed analysis paralysis by Malcolm Gladwell. He's a close personal friend.
We go to the park, get blasted, yell at swans, whatevs. So to my point, your basic ass sight ain't shit. We are the future. Ooh, I gotta go.
Oh, well, I blacked out after he silenced me. Did I strangle him? Unfortunately not.
Then here's what's going to happen. One of you mouth breathing toilet seats is going to come up with a strategy to put fine love back on top of kindling. Why only one of us, if we work together- Whoever comes up with the winning strategy gets a raise. $6,000. No. $45. Now, what's a lot of money to people like you? Something in between. But why pit us against each other?
The loser gets fired. That's not- I have no incentive to clean these up. Matambo! Dammit.
Guys, thank you for watching rom.com. Make sure you subscribe.
And in the comments below, why don't you tell us about your worst online dating experience. Oh. Have you ever done that? Uh, date? Online dating?
I know. The subject of the show. I have actually not dated online. Well. Just been in relationships forever and ever. Right.
I had it made special. I added the big. Anyway, I love what you've done with the place right here.
Yeah, yeah. No, it's got a real bring your mom here kind of vibe. It's not my thing. It's kind of gross. Kind of like that front desk guy.
No offense, chief. Fuck the chief's gold raiders.
Anyway, what are we talking about today? Rush. We're thrilled to finally have you to our offices for a meeting.
Chill legs. Can I stop ya? No one has ever tried. Cause I'm legit only here as a courtesy and- oh.
Oh. Real quick. What's up, red? I hate you. Oh. Wow. That just came out. Nah. Anyway. Y'all website is a little piece of mom and pop bullshit that wastes time on lengthy profiles cause y'all think that fucking is something more than it is. But news flash, dummies. It ain't. And that is why Ken Lynn is going to make orphans out of all of you. What? The service you provide is something people want right now. Sure.
But your app hasn't been around long enough for anyone to gather any hard science on exactly how successful you are at establishing real connections. So people will play and explore and run around on kindling, but when they're ready to slap on some big girl pants and try something real, fine love will be there. Well, that is a very interesting, albeit personal and otherwise baseless theory. But according to literally every study of behavioral economics on the adaptive unconscious, the average person can more accurately and authentically detect genuine affection and attraction within the first 15 seconds of seeing a potential partner. You take that science out of your tiny shit mouth right now. Indeed. The more time you're given, the more likely it is that your initial accurate assessment of a person or situation will become corrupted by your likes, dislikes, or unconscious prejudices. It's a phenomenon dubbed analysis paralysis by Malcolm Gladwell. He's a close personal friend.
We go to the park, get blasted, yell at swans, whatevs. So to my point, your basic ass sight ain't shit. We are the future. Ooh, I gotta go.
Oh, well, I blacked out after he silenced me. Did I strangle him? Unfortunately not.
Then here's what's going to happen. One of you mouth-breathing toilet seats is going to come up with a strategy to put fine love back on top of Kindlin. Why only one of us, if we work together? Who never comes up with the winning strategy gets a raise. $6,000. No, $45. What's a lot of money to people like you? Something in between. But why pit us against each other?
The loser gets fired. That's not... I have no incentive to clean these up. Matambo! Dammit.
Guys, thank you for watching ROM.com. Make sure you subscribe.
And in the comments below, why don't you tell us about your worst online dating experience. Have you ever done that? Date? Online dating? I have actually not dated online, just been in relationships forever and ever. |
dropout | hardly_working_desk_toys | It's sick, right out with me, right out, meet them.
Ooh, a new toy, Jake? If my toy, you mean Aragorn, a.k.a. Shwider, a.k.a. the King of Gondor, then yeah. And he'll live here on this divider, protecting Middle Earth. Oh, you know, then he'll be joining the crew of the Enterprise. Yeah, I've been keeping my Kirk toy here. But the Enterprise can always use another good yeoman.
What? Of course, I didn't know that night that it was the real Sam Goody. So I'm just jabbering on about my iPod, and I keep dancing. Meanwhile, the Goo Goo Dolls, who you may remember from- Whoa, oh man, Aragorn fell.
He's so clumsy. He did a front flip off the wall of Helms Deep into battle. Man, he looks hurt. No, he's fine. The blade that was broken has been re-forged. Lost his sword there. He threw this sword into the black heart of an orc.
I don't see an orc. Aragorn is wearing the one-shoe ring, rendering it invisible, so shut up. Did you sleep here? Sleep? The Enterprise is under attack from Jake's stupid fantasy novel, you dumb piece of ****. No.
My shoes! Jake, Aragorn is now surrounded by Kirk and the entire Federation fleet. Uh, victory is most logical. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, well Aragorn led the siege on Mordor, so I'm pretty sure he can defend the desk. Especially with the help of his elven friends. Legolas, lend me your bow. Gladly!
He's got a bow! He sucks!
I'm not doing that anymore, Jake. So you admit defeat then? No, Sam took our toys away. Betrayal! Ride out with me. No. No, maybe it's for the best.
We got pretty carried away. That costume is clearly very expensive. What was it? Six hundred and fifty dollars. Six hundred and fifty dollars, yeah.
A truce then. A truce. My collection is complete. Hey Sam, just head if you want. |
CrackerMilk | forgetting_to_feed_your_girlfriend_s_pets | Hey babe, how you doing? Hey, I'm on my way home now. You haven't burned down the house have you? Not yet.
How are the pets? Yeah, the dogs awesome. He's been fed and the sea monkeys Are fine. They're fine.
Oh good. Okay. Well, I'm just pulling in now. So I'll see you in a sec Okay, cool. I'll see you soon Hey, babe Of course I'm gonna keep it clean for you.
Oh and the sea monkeys look fine The sea monkeys look a little different. Oh No thicker and like creamier. They're probably like a little bigger cuz it's been you've been gone for a while No, they kind of look soft Hey, why don't you come sit down and give me give me a kiss? Oh Well, it's been a while.
So how about a little more than a kiss? Oh, no, I'm not I'm not in the mood. Oh It's not like you just come sit and cuddle.
Okay Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. Yeah, the krakenball podcast is on a separate other channel Called the krakenball podcast.
Go and check that out Hey doesn't make you drunk you've been drinking paint. Yeah Oh You guys got any paint he's been fed and the sea monkeys are Fine, they're fine. Oh good. Okay. Well, I'm just pulling in now.
So I'll see you in a sec Okay, cool. I'll see you soon Hey, babe Of course, I'm gonna keep it clean for you.
Oh and the same monkeys look fine The same monkeys look a little different. Oh No, look thicker and like creamier. They're probably like a little bigger because it's been you've been gone for a while No, they kind of look soft Hey, why don't you come sit down and give me give me a kiss? Oh Well, it's been a while.
So how about a little more than a kiss? Oh, no, I'm not I'm not in the mood. Oh It's not like you just come sit and cuddle.
Okay Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. Yeah, the crackable podcast is on a separate out of the channel Called the crackable podcast.
So you can go and check that out Hey doesn't make you drunk you've been drinking paint. Yeah Guys you guys got any paint |
TheOnion | Parents_Keep_Deceased_Son_s_Memory_Alive_Through_His_Awful_Tumblr | When 16-year-old Jeffrey Patterson died in a car accident in February, he didn't just leave behind grieving friends and family, he also left a significant web presence. In a tribute to their son, Jeff's parents have continued to update their son's blogs and social media sites, including a Tumblr blog called Shitbirds, Shitbirds Everywhere. Well, Jeff used his blog to make fun of stupid shit birds. And now that we're doing this, it's like part of him is still alive. Yeah, and now when I post a picture of some shit bird who has a stupid ankle tattoo or wears some retarded hat, I feel like somewhere he's smiling. He hated retarded heads so much. Every evening Steve and Mary comb the internet for images to update Jeff's blogs. Ah, check out that shit bird. What a shit bird. Whenever we get a comment calling Jeff a dumb fag for making fun of a handicapped person on a rascal scooter, well, it's like he's still here.
Most social media platforms provide a digital comfort for those who are experiencing loss. In fact, Facebook just announced a way to have your loved one's last status update engraved on their tombstone. But for Mary and Steve Patterson, Jeff is still very much alive in their hearts and online.
We just got this photo sent to us of this big fat tripping and he's like mid-fall when the picture was taken. So he's all like, yeah, his stomach's all out and everything. Jeff would have gotten such a kick out of that fat shit bird. He really would have.
For Beyond the Facts, I'm Jean Ann Wharton. |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_snu_snu_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | In Gene Roddenberry's Futurama's classic episode, Amazon Women in the Mood, Fried, a space delivery boy, gets captured by huge space amazon women. Space Wonder Woman is not included. Also captured is his spaceship captain, Zapp Brannigan, and his spaceship lieutenant, Kiff, both of whom are space sentenced to space death by Snoo Snoo, which is space amazon's space word for space sex. And that seems like a pretty fun space-themed romp, but Hollywood's got some weird assumptions about masculine and feminine roles, and to be honest, maybe we all do, so let's swap the sexy space women for sexy space men and see how that makes us feel! Because you're watching Gender Swap, I'm Allie, and this is the hilarious, classic episode of Futurama, now titled Spoo Spoo.
All about attempted murder via gangbang? So, this particular Futurama episode became such a big hit that Snoo Snoo has entered Internet vernacular. It refers to doing it with big tall women, which is a conversation that's had much more than you might expect. For example, when the trailer for Resident Evil Village debuted that 9 foot tall vampire lady, the internet was flooded with guys publicly begging for a Snoo Snoo session with the character.
I never thought I would die like this, but I'd always really hoped. Because getting rid of bullying was a mistake.
Dungeons and dragons. Assists. Man and elf.
They try and hide from the large men, but soon realize they're actually hiding in one of the men's skirts. And they realize this when they look up the skirt and catch a glimpse of the massive member that'll cause their deaths.
No, um, that, um, I'm telling the truth. This is serious. Anyway, another woman and a female-presenting robot also travel to the planet to save their friends but are themselves captured. Now the four women are tied to a wall and a computer sentences them to be killed by sex. Again. Literally. And to be clear. Death by Snoo Snoo.
Now refers to forming a line of men who intend to approach these captive women one at a time and perform rough, clumsy sex on them until eventually their pelvises are literally crushed by the act. Now, to be fair, the space captain and space delivery woman are mostly on board with this plan. They don't really want to die, presumably, but they love sex so goddamn much. It's a risk they're willing to take. Now that already paints our characters in a very different light. Men who might want to be killed by sex are just class like men, amirite? And the version of this non-dilemma shows up in hundreds of movies. But women wanting to be taken by a bunch of anonymous men? That feels different.
Audiences might consider them disgusting or slutty despite having the exact same disposition as their male counterparts. This type of woman is actually depicted a lot. In porn. In shitty bad porn.
But somehow that's not the truly terrifying part. There's also a sweet little alien female who is so shy around the opposite sex to the point that she calls up the crush she's had for over a year without ever gaining the courage to actually talk to them. As you might imagine, she is not excited to have her bones get boned. That is still exactly what happens to her.
I mean, none of them die because they're eventually saved, but not until after they've been violated by probably a half dozen of these large men. But they are saved. So it's fine, right?
Well, that sweet, innocent little alien girl's crush that I mentioned earlier, as soon as they're back on Earth, he immediately propositions her. She's been repeatedly violated. They've never been on a real date. But immediately, the man tries to have sex with her as soon as he realizes she's somewhat interested in him as a person.
Flip the genders around and you no longer have one of the most famous sci-fi animated shows ever, but rather something you can only watch by going on the dark web and paying Bitcoin for a fan futurama episode, the one that got everyone arrested.mp4. The episode sends out two awful messages to the viewer.
One is that all men want sex all the time, even if it would literally kill them. And any men who don't want to inexplicably fuck everything in sight clearly have something wrong with them.
What are you, gay? The second one is the belief that there are circumstances in which non-consensual sex can be harmless, silly fun, I guess. All this to say, let's be totally clear, if everyone can sense there's nothing wrong with a person doing a little gynecological spelunking with giant women or any other sort of giant sentient being of age. I had snoo-snoo. If you're totally into getting your pelvis crushed into powder finer than the illicit substance this episode was probably written on, more power to ya. Still, um, don't die though, please. It just isn't cool to suggest that the only reason somebody wouldn't want to get literally gang-danged or even single-banged before a real first date is because there's some kind of sexless wimp weirdo and or a literal alien. Pretty good story, eh, Hermes? Stick to someone else, ya windy barnacle! This particular Futurama sa- Fuck you. If everyone can sense, there is nothing wrong with a little- Thank you.
Oh, a ghost! I love ghosts. |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Finding_Masculine_Halloween_Costumes_For_Your_Effeminate_Son | If you're the parent of an overly feminine little boy, choosing the right Halloween costume is crucial for avoiding humiliation during your family's trick-or-treat outings. Luckily, our next guest is here to help us tackle this difficult problem head on. Jim? Thanks, Trace. This is Anna Stevenson, author of Actually, He's a Boy, a How-To Manual for Parenting an Affeminate Male Child. Good to see you this morning, Anna. Thanks for having me, Jim.
I'm actually very excited to talk to you today because when my nephew, Derek, turned 8, he started acting giggly all the time. My brother is beside himself. He's afraid to let him out of the house, let alone on a night when everybody's dressing up.
Right. Well, a lot of parents feel that way, Jim.
But unless you lock him in the house, you run the risk that the ladyboy will sneak out on his own, dressed as a ballerina. And you'll find him pirouetting on somebody's front porch with the whole neighborhood watch. Oh, the worst nightmare.
But the good news is, with a little creativity, we can disguise your girly son as a normal kid. Well, show us how to do that, Anna.
Come on out, Travis. Oh, looks like we have a little soldier man here. This is Travis. Hello, Travis. Travis has a gun and a threatening knife there.
But if you want your child to depict a male-dominated profession, be very careful not to choose one that's been co-opted by the gay community, like a fireman, a cop, a cowboy. Good point. Otherwise, they'll just end up looking like a stripper. Right, exactly.
Now, let's take a look at Ben. Ben, come on out.
The world of science fiction is a great place to look for fearsome, violent characters. Right, right. So you're a scary robot, huh? I guess so.
This is also a good costume for what I call a prancer. A prancer. A man who skips delicately instead of just walking. Ben, take a few steps.
Well, look at that problem solved. I want to be a pastry chef, but she would always go, she's the right thing to do. Oh, now that's a good option. Yeah, yeah, especially if you're losing control of the situation.
Here we go. Next, we have Lance. Oh, hey.
How you doing in there, big head? Lance has long lashes and an almost compulsive habit of twirling his curly, blonde hair around his finger. Oh, well, not anymore with that head, right? I'm a big old man. Yes, you are, aren't you? Big head also muffles his list.
Oh, well, maybe that's a costume for my nephew, then. Oh, could be. That's a great idea.
Now we have Christian. Blah.
Now, is a vampire really the right choice here? Yes, well, vampires are flashy dressers, but it's all in the service of seducing a woman.
Ah, okay. They're virile and dangerous, but here's what I want to show you. Yeah. By using copious amounts of blood, we have sissy-proofed this costume. Oh, now that's a very menacing looking costume. Very masculine. It happens sometimes, sweetie. Go ahead. Okay. Well, that's really neat.
Now, I hope you parents at home who have faggy acting little boys have been taking notes because we've gotten a lot of good advice here. Now we're going to head back over to Tracy, who's going to show us how effective trick-or-treating can feed your entire family for a week. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_computer_security_trainer | I unfortunately still see a lot of Windows XP and a lot of big corporates. You mean because it doesn't receive any updates? No, because how poor do they need to be to still run Windows XP?
In terms of security, all Windows is horrible. Welcome to Walter Wallace's security training. Computers are pretty secure by now. I mean ours aren't, but in general. It's a security fault with the humans.
Now some of you might say, I run Mac. That means I'm safe. I run Arch Linux. That means I'm beyond humans. But that still doesn't mean I'm safe.
So let's look at the common attack vectors that people might get fooled into. I like to categorize it into three main categories. Security out of convenience, accidental stupidity, and complete stupidity. Let's start our browser.
First thing, beware when you connect to a public Wi-Fi without the proper VPN. Now let's say you're at an airport. Airport Wi-Fi should be safe, huh? But you don't know who really controls the airport Wi-Fi. Maybe it's the guy with his backpack next to you, carrying a pineapple router in his backpack. But even if it is the airport Wi-Fi, you don't know who's taking control of it.
You don't know. Maybe it's me. Probably not. I'm probably at a McDonald's.
Let's talk about security updates. Always update your OS to the newest version. Because hackers are usually far ahead of the competition. Then you update your OS to the newest version. You can reduce the time hackers have from a few years to a few months unless you use Arch Linux. Then you write the patches yourself. Good luck keeping your data secure. Now if we look at an average company, it doesn't help if some people update to the latest version and some still stay on an old OS. Or if the company runs on top-notch, overpriced AWS servers and still maintains some legacy infrastructure.
Uh, next attack. Use B-malware. How do you prevent from this attack? You just don't hire people that are completely retarded.
Before you plug in anything into your computer. In fact, just never plug in anything to your computer. And also never download anything. Ah, technology. Just think before you plug in anything into your computer. The same way how you would always think before you put any food into your body. Let's see what this stick can do to our test computer.
Hold on. Which account did I run this on? Oh no. Now let's talk about a similar attack, but a bit smarter. USB cable trojan. A friend from the Netherlands gave me this. I mean, he didn't give it to me. He tried to spy on me and I just kept the cable because I can charge my iPhone with it. Hold on.
Uh, so USB cable charger, USB cable charger, USB cable charger, USB cable charger. For example, I give this to someone who needs a charger. He plugs it into his computer.
I distract him with some small talk. You know what triggers emotions, Harley motorbikes, tax evasion, caterpillar shopping.
I say, good fun, good talk. Thank you. Goodbye.
I take the cable. I put it into my computer. Of course, I changed the scene first. These USB cables. And I just became the victim. I just became a young, handsome, 60 year old with two hacked bank accounts.
And if that person stored their passwords in the browser, we have access to all the passwords. You don't want to see what's going on in these accounts. You really don't want to see, oh, gatesandfences.com. That's a good, that's a good website anyway. So obviously don't plug in any untrusted device into your computer. Don't store your passwords in your browser.
Instead, you should always use a password manager. This is Joe. He hands me my passwords. But as a normal user, you would of course use a software password manager. Not password, or lastpass, or lastpass recently got hacked, or keypass. In that password manager, you create long, cryptic passwords. Nobody can read or understand, including you, so that it keeps you locked out if you're not at your computer.
Technology. So how does phishing work? As an attacker, I would be now writing a very urgent email. Oh, I know what triggers emotions. Harley motorbikes.
So maybe it's a free calendar. Maybe it's a free wash. Maybe it's a free gift card. Maybe it's a free calendar. Merchandise. Free helmet. Maybe it's a free wash. Or maybe something more unrealistic, like an urgent model recall.
So we write up our draft for an urgent model recall, fictional scenario, and here we put in our phishing link. It's actually very easy to set up. You just go to domaincheap and- Hey, let's not explain the exact steps. The phishing link you see here, it's not harleydavidson.com. It's harleydavidson.com. So what happens when a user clicks on that link? Because who can resist the personal email from their Harley dealer? That link is actually registered by me. Creating such a phishing website is very easy. You just go into the selectors. You want to imitate and you'll have your phishing link. Yeah, let's not explain the exact steps. I'm saying this for educational purposes only. So what happens when a user clicks on that link? I will click on that link. Now, as a user, I log in on that link.
Email wwolles at gmail.com. Password Hannah Montana. Now we sign in.
Beautiful. Let's continue.
You think you're logged in safely, but the hacker was able to intercept your data. Now, the hacker doesn't care about your horrible, insecure, short, made-up password. Because he has the session cookie. He can log in without the whole two-factor authentication mask. So I use this method to log into accounts when I don't want to register on every website. I just grab the session from someone.
Yeah, we don't promote that. Oh yeah, we can just cut it out.
When it comes to emails, you just need to see it as a zero-trust system. When someone sends you an email, by default, you just assume it's fraud or might have better access.
My favorite hack, I remember, I remember was when I was 16, I would go to McDonald's and order a Big Mac without the menu plus big fries, because that was the cheaper option. No, your favorite security hack. Oh. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how good your security practices are, if you outsource all your work to a third party with weak security. So don't outsource all your security work to Fiverr. Five stars only. Welcome to Walter Wallace's security training. |
cracked | after_hours_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with another so I don't read comments But my friend Nick says you guys want this show to be after hours Which is perfect because there's some kind of after-hours dinner tonight. Whatever that means I've never hung out after hours like this and apparently it's a diner. So fun. Do you guys hear music? This place looks great.
You actually ate any of that you would die. Yeah, you guys aren't actually eating It seems pretty standard. You're living in a naive fantasy world Is it is this like an anti GMOs thing or it's like a Frankenfoods thing?
I already don't worry about that That's great. I was starting to think you guys just get together to argue. We've had our disagreement. Sure. What? Other people have feelings man, the world is a lie and you you are secretly the most important person in that world What are you a sociopath? I'm okay with that. Maybe let's just talk about work The place we all work Are you trying to convince because we all work together. I have the business card your car I make videos for us. The ones on my phone are hits They're not They have fans who do very Appreciative comments like boner poison ugly rage most no genitals It's really full part on your heart in this world. What you want is denied you. That's not what she said What do you think sex is I know what sex is You guys say first Sure, so I will I will make my thing and you guys will make your thing and it'll be different.
Oh, yeah, that's nice Okay. Okay. All right. I am gonna go have a McRib by myself Well, he's in for disappointing evening. Well, okay.
I did a thing after hours Join me next week for a show that's not trying to imitate the show you already like what you made me do you fuck Hey, I have two tips for you one if you subscribe to our channel you'll get all our videos more conveniently for free Sounds great other tip Culver City, California. There is a store that sells nothing but model trains You're welcome |
dropout | derrick_s_rookie | Honey, I'm just worried about Jason. All he does is sit up in his room all day, listening to music. Well, maybe you should talk to him. I've tried. He just...
Please! Freeze! Everything's under control, sir.
Oh my god, you just shot my wife. Okay, we got the call. What call? You didn't call us? No. Nice one, rookie. Hey, he just shot my wife. Well, you didn't call us? No!
You get one, rookie. One. That's yours, all right, sir?
I'm really sorry, but right now we gotta go. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry, man.
I think I'm okay. I think it just grazed me.
Please! Freeze! Wait a minute. This is the same house. Oh! Nice work, bro.
Take a look.
Yeah. Yeah! Oh, it's weird. Like, then he's not really busted. We checked the address up front. Yeah, we made sure. Yeah.
Excuse me, sir. You playing a trick on us? You having a laugh with the cops? Where are you hiding the cameras? You shot my wife in the head!
It's gotta be over by now. Pull baby. Okay, everybody out of the way. I'm in the MC.
Oh, thank God. Hey, you are not gonna believe this. Frank, please. She's hemorrhaging. Is she gonna be okay? I hope so. Oh. I'm gonna be doing her a lot of good with these. Of course. I packed my lunch instead of my tools. Please!
That would not be how that would work. Maybe it was a hand saner.
Seriously, though, she is dead. Oh! |
TheOnion | pop_pilgrims_cleveland_the_shawshank_redemption_prison | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
When the AV Club asked readers to suggest locations for pop pilgrims, none received more votes than the Ohio State Reformatory, site of the 1994 film The Shawshank Redemption. Although the film is set in Maine, the prison is actually located in the town of Mansfield, 80 miles southwest of Cleveland. Shawshank was considered a flop after its release, but it found a new life on home video and on cable where it airs seemingly hundreds of times a day. The preservation society that runs the reformatory today has the Shawshank Redemption to thank for a good chunk of its business, and the rest it owes to the old prison's many ghosts. Well, you are currently standing in the west cell block of the Ohio State Reformatory. The prison closed December 31st of 1990. 1993 is when they filmed Shawshank Redemption, which is what we are most famously known for. Welcome to Shawshank.
So people really come just because of that? Oh, yeah, yeah. We get a ton of people who come in and say, this is where Shawshank was filmed? Oh, and you know, if they didn't know when they got here, they're thrilled to find out.
Now the cell block scenes in Shawshank were not filmed in this building. They actually wanted cells that faced each other, so they would construct a cell block in a warehouse downtown. Solitary confinement scenes were shot here. The Brooks Boarding House room was actually filmed upstairs on our third floor. The warden's office is here. The parole board room.
You feel you've been rehabilitated? Oh, yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.
Where they first enter and line up along the yellow line, that's here. You eat when we say you eat! And then you also have some memorabilia from the film here. We do. We have the tunnel that Tim Robbins crawled through. They say that instead of the foulness that he was supposed to be crawling through, it was actually a mixture of Hershey's chocolate and water and some cookies and crackers crumbled in for effect. We also have the prop that was used as the hole in the wall. That was in the cell wall. Why do most people that are like tourists come here?
Is Shawshank a big draw? Shawshank brings us visitors from all over the world. They show that thing daily, I think, over in Europe. Get busy living or get busy dying. Why does Shawshank resonate? Shawshank is such a wonderful story of hope.
You know, in today's world, or yesterday's world even, there are so many people that lose hope on things. And this was a story of one man who held hope above anything else. And you know, I remember in the story Red told him, you know, hope is a dangerous thing. You know, it can make a man crazy. But as long as you have hope for something, your ambition can't die as long as you have that hope. |
dropout | condiment_russian_roulette_live | Hello and welcome to Condiment Russian Roulette. This is live. Live on YouTube, mobile live, which is shot with a cell phone. Let's come this way. Today we're going to be playing a very simple game.
Our brave contestants will take one of these six beautiful condiment bottles and have them squeezed in their face. Five of them contain water. One of them contains a disgusting sticky condiment.
We are going to do three rounds, two tie breakers and then a final. The first round is going to be Mike Jack and Katie Maravich.
Katie is terrified of having water sprayed in her face. It's true. She only just realized like three minutes before this video that it was like a major phobia of hers and she should probably have not agreed to do it. Well it's been a phobia for a long time but I didn't read the instructions well enough so I didn't know what this was.
I'm going to do this backwards. How do you do this?
Wait where's the hood? This is the first part. The first part is like oh no. That's another arm. No. That's an arm. That's your head. Great.
Do I look beautiful? You look so pretty.
All right. Okay. All right. I'll take the hood down because that seems unsporting. All right so what we just we choose. Wait no we're going to start off by doing rock paper scissors to get to see who chooses to go first. All right. Ready? Ready. Are we going on shoot or scissors? Katie. Let's go on shoot. Okay.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
No! All right. Is that my first? I'll go first. Great. So one of these bottles contains ketchup. The rest of them are just water. Oh no. How do you put your hood up? Okay. I'll take I'll take number one.
Please.
Oh that was water. Number one was water.
How exciting. It's actually kind of refreshing. Our office is very home today because the power is out.
Okay. Oh no. Okay. I'm freaking out because I'm so afraid. One out of five is still pretty good odds. All right.
Better odds than president like don't drum head. Don't. Oh my god. On November 7th. No Katie you have to show your face. I can't do it.
That was water. Katie you picked well. Okay.
One of four. Which one are you going for? Give me four. Number four.
Oh please really catch up. That is water. Oh my goodness. Julie you're just gonna have to come and pass up this way. As soon as she says it. Katie. Here's the thing though. What?
If you win you have to do another round of this. So either way it really sucks for you. Okay. You guys know this is a genuine phobia. You agreed to do this. I didn't read the instructions. Well that's your lesson. That's the lesson that you have. Oh geez. Oh no. All right.
Let's go. Three.
No. Put your hands down. Katie that was more sick. Okay. Congratulations you still have a chance of doing another whole round on no scale. Okay Katie your problem's with water. Maybe you just don't know. Maybe you'll be nice. Close your eyes okay.
Give me two.
Katie you have to keep playing the game now. Oh so. You have to keep going. That's so much catch up.
Congratulations. I could have stopped to do this. You're welcome. No no it's better. Really.
Aggressive. Like torturing people right? A little gross. I'm trying to keep it out of my eye.
Uh and I was I was I for no reason was certain that five was gonna be a catch up. You banged on the table a little bit and it didn't wobble as much. I was like that's a heavier catch up bottle. Five is the catch up but I was wrong. I was I was really wrong.
Great. Uh so round two. Hello. It's Zach, Wes, and Shane.
I uh I should have mentioned to people that I got my job back. People thought uh I got fired by Sam in the last YouTube live video and uh apparently I'm back.
So uh five. What are you doing here? I just can we do this later? Please let me have this. I definitely still work here. I promise. So five of these bottles contain water and one of them contains Zach's favorite thing in the world, ranch dressing. All right let's do it.
This is an extra fun one I feel like because the thing that we discovered when we filmed the ranch dressing episode is that it burns when it hits your skin. Yeah well you don't want to leave it on your skin for 20 minutes at a time. That's the number one rule of ranch dressing. Well I think I was between the two of us. I was the only one of us that was covered head to toe in ranch dressing that day.
Definitely don't want to do that. So I think I've got this one in the bag. I have no fear about this. You have some fear still.
All right let's do let's rock paper scissors it and see who goes one two three shoot yeah is there one two three shoot yeah wow so I go first yes oh you can make him go first I'll make him go first one of these one of these six one three six good odd one three three open up that was water. How about that Shane? Can you hear you most worried about facing in this round? Oh, myself. I'm gonna choose five. Great. Water! That is very good. It wouldn't both be fives eh? Maybe that was a risk. All right one and a four. This is how they originally shot that seated deer hunter you know. Come on uh one. Up and a half.
That is so wet. Water is so wet dude.
I feel like chilling you started off like a little gently and got to a point where you know you're just like I'm going for it. I think I castled on my forcefulness last time so yeah it's a great try. One out of three it's getting real risky over here. I choose six.
Oh what an idiot. Oh who's the idiot now?
Okay all right. I can't believe it's come it's come to this. Yeah both rounds. How exciting. One out of three. Great.
Don't be ranch. Oh you instantly smell it. You're gonna smell all day. Don't be ranch I said.
Zach how are you feeling right now? Did I get it all? It's like truly all over you. A lot in your eyes. I know. It's also in your hair and uh all down your front.
This is also an especially great day for us to get shit all over our faces because it is the day of our annual Christmas party. The ladies love ranch.
It already burns. Be careful at home. Your face is gonna be a little red in a bit.
All right. I'm truly embarrassed to have lost this. Wow. I'm very upset.
Final round. Katie versus Shane. The calm versus the absolutely her petrified. Let's get over here. Contestants.
Five of these bottles contain water and one of them contains delicious spicy mustard.
Oh no. I've beaten these odds before. That was Katie. Once before. Yeah but I did more recently.
That's true. I don't think that that makes any difference. Also statistically you have the same odds as previously because that's math.
So let's start off with rock paper scissors to see who goes first. Katie you're being a really good sport. Thank you. Are you ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh no. Nothing happened. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Oh no. Katie I've never seen somebody so inside of a poncho before. It's like when you see a chihuahua wearing a dog raincoat or it's clearly built for a bigger dog. If I saw you from the back I would be like there's no one in there. It's clearly a melon.
So I get to choose again? Yes you get to choose again. I choose to go first this time. Yes thank you. Which one do you go for?
Oh come on. Two. Ooh big money big money. One that already looks like mustard. Oh that is water.
Okay yeah all right. Katie Marovitch. One out of five. All right. What are you going for? For the win. Six. Katie I think that you went very brave. That was the one where you're like I'm gonna take this one.
Oh no. It smells like a subway. Like a subway sandwich.
So much mustard on you. Take the hood down dude. It's truly so much.
Thank you. How are you feeling? You won. I'm feeling great. I feel great. You are not getting condiment in the face. That's great. I will relish this victory.
Oh no. What? Let me go. I have a tunnel. Oh terrible. All right well I'll go back to work. Great.
Thank you for watching condiment Russian relay. I hope that we didn't break Katie for the last and final time. Join us again on YouTube Mobile Live. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_marcello_hernandez_and_chloe_fineman_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. a Federal indictment issued this week against Hunter Biden alleges that he evaded paying over a million dollars of taxes between 2016 and 2020. and they're only catching him now? Man, this is super embarrassing for whoever was president from 2016 to 2020. the indictment claims that instead of paying taxes, Hunter Biden spent his money on drugs and escorts. But honestly, it would have been more surprising if he remembered to do his taxes during that time. no one finishes doing cocaine with a hooker and is like, could I get a receipt? Speak for yourself. If convicted, Hunter Biden could be sentenced to up to 17 years in prison, which would be the first time any Biden has successfully completed a sentence.
House Speaker Mike Johnson said that he is blurring the faces on the footage of January 6th rioters so that none of them would be charged with a crime. So unfortunately, we'll never know who they are. it's photoshop. the President of the United. President of the University of Pennsylvania has resigned after appearing to dodge questions about genocide during a congressional hearing on campus anti-semitism. she will be replaced by literally anyone who knows you say genocide is bad. The whole crazy part is that the whole point during her speech was that free speech on campus should never be punished, And then she was immediately punished for her speech.
Victor Manuel Rocca, a former U.s. Ambassador, has been charged with spying for Cuba since 1981, and that's why Cuba is the unstoppable superpower they are today. a new poll finds that New York Mayor Eric Adams' approval rating is just 28%. Now, that sounds low. Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy admitted in a new interview that he flew two times on Jeffrey Epstein's private jet, but only to make sure none of those girls were vaccinated. maybe one of these kind of nights off.
Mitch Mcconnell, seen here bringing peanuts into a preschool cafeteria, said he will tell Republican senators to vote against additional aid for Ukraine and Israel until there are meaningful changes to the border, but the way it came out was brains. on his website, truthsocial. I'm going to guess scam. Donald Trump denied reports that he was so depressed after the 2020 election that he stopped eating, saying, quote, it was not that I was not eating, it was that I was eating too much. Wow, good save. that's like when a rumor went around middle school that I had peed my pants, and I was like, jokes on you, because I actually pooped him. The Los Angeles Dodgers have signed two-way superstar Shoie Otani to a 10-year contract worth $700 million, which is almost as much as his sister-on-only fans, Shoie Otani. I thought that was a real smart joke.
Mcdonald's has announced a new spin-off restaurant called Cosmix. It's exactly like regular Mcdonald's, except that at Cosmix, the mascot is, oh, no, Cosby Mcdonald?
According to a new study, the rate of depression among men in America is at an all-time high. here to comment is our very own, Marcelo Hernandez. Thank you very much. it's always great to see you, Marcelo. So why do you think that men are depressed? Colin, to understand why men are depressed, we have to first talk about women, And I understand women.
Yeah, I don't know if you want to start with that. No, Colin. like, I grew up with only women in my house, Okay? it was me, my mom, and my sister. And then in high school, my mom's best friend and her daughter moved in. so it was just me and four women. And when that happens to you, Colin, when it's just you and four women, you have no choice. But to become the man of the house. Wrong. to become a woman. I was a woman for many years, Colin. a proud Latina woman. And I was living a double life, you know, because at school, I was captain of the soccer team, screaming at all the players, you better play defense today!
And then I would get home, and my mom would be like, Marcelo, how do I look? and I would be like, you look amazing, mommy. As a matter of fact, do me a favor. go back into your room and walk out again. I want to see you again. Where are you going, the White House? is my mama going to meet the President?
And how does this relate to men being depressed? Because, Colin, women support each other. men don't support each other. that's why they're depressed. a girl can tell her best friend anything, and she'll support it no matter what. a girl will tell her best friend. she'll be like, I'm dating the sky, and he robs banks. and then her friend will be like, at least he has a passion. And you don't think that men are as supportive?
No, not at all. that's why I don't go to the Barbershop anymore, Colin. it's a negative energy in there. no one is happy to see you when you go to the barbershop. every time I go, the guy's like, look who it is. we already told you, buddy. we can't make you taller. that's why a little prince like me goes to the salon, Colin. I get to the salon, Colin, and the lady's like, where have you been? and I'm like, I don't know. I missed you. Okay, the salon do be sounding kind of fire. it do.
I'm just trying to say that women have support, okay? when a woman goes through a breakup, all her friends show up. when a guy goes through a breakup, his boys just act like his flight got delayed. you'll be like, yo, I was in love with her, man. out of nowhere, she left me. and my best friend will be like, damn. that sucks, bro. just go to Chili's and wait for the next one, my boy. And you would say this is the reason men are the most depressed they've ever been in history? Yes, and also a variety of other psychological and genetic issues, but they're not as funny, and I don't have stand-up on that.
Marcello Hernandez, everyone. So, Vesta Stallone traveled to Philadelphia to celebrate the city's first ever Rocky Day. Although I'd say that if you're living in Philadelphia, every day is a pretty rocky day.
Alaska Airlines has announced plans to buy Hawaiian Airlines for nearly $2 billion. Alaska and Hawaiian combined will be called technically American Airlines.
It was reported the inmate who attacked Derek Chauvin, the police officer who killed George Floyd, stabbed Chauvin 22 times, but Chauvin still wouldn't stop choking him. Nick Cannon revealed that he spends up to $200,000 every year taking all 12 of his children to Disneyland. that's how bad condoms feel. Some Google users are upset after the company's Ai software mistakenly labeled innocent pictures of their children as child porn. this is completely unacceptable, said people who were looking for real child porn. convicted of throwing a burrito bowl at a Chipotle worker has been sentenced to spend two months working in fast food restaurants. fast food, where your job is other people's jail. a self-described anti-woke beer company has created a calendar which features, quote, the most beautiful conservative women in America, which is just a polite way of saying flat asses. Buffalo Bills coach Sean Mcdermott apologized after giving a speech to his players where he used 9-11 terrorists as a good example of teamwork, which is kind of a full circle moment because when Osama Bin Laden was giving the terrorists a pep talk, he told them not to be like the Bills. a gym teacher in Florida was arrested after he threw a basketball at a sixth grader and then elbowed him in the mouth, knocking out his front tooth. the teacher was forced to resign and return to the Golden State Warriors.
Well, guys, the holidays are coming up. here with some intimate gift ideas for that special someone is our very own Chloe Feynman. Hi, Chloe. what are you doing in front of the desk? Well, I only have one sexy gift idea and I kind of have to demonstrate it. Oh, okay. well, I'm curious. the fastest gift you can give your partner is trying something new in the bedroom. what are you about to do? I don't know, but I'm getting my popcorn out for this one. The perfect holiday gift this year is the dance that Julia Stiles does at the end of the 2001 movie, Save The Last Dance. Chloe, what are you talking about? Hit it! I'm sorry. sorry. you think this is a sexy dance to give your partner? don't you?
I mean, not really. it's working for me. what style of dance even is this? street Ballet. street ballet? Yeah. basically, Julia Stiles' character, Sarah, is an uptight ballerina who auditions to get into Juilliard but doesn't get in. and then her mom, on the same day, dies in a car crash. Okay, so where does the street element come in? Come on, Sarah moves to the South Side of Chicago and goes to a more urban high school where she learns hip-hop. duh. exactly. So Sarah combines hip-hop with ballet to create an entirely new style of dance, like this. hip-hop, Hop.
Okay, and then what happens? she gets another audition for Juilliard, and her crush, Derek, skips a drive-by shooting to come support her. he shows up holding a jacket over his shoulder and gives a nod of approval. So does she get into Juilliard? Yes! Sarah did get into Juilliard. How? Well, you didn't see the end of the dance. Hit it! Colin, what did you think? Well, I can't say this on the record yet, but welcome to Juilliard.
81. And that's why Cuba is the unstoppable superpower they are today. a new poll finds that New York Mayor Eric Adams' approval rating is just 28%. Now, that sounds low. Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy admitted in a new interview two times on Jeffrey Epstein's private jet, but only to make sure none of those girls were vaccinated. it's gonna be one of these kind of nights, huh? Yeah. Mitch Mcconnell, seen here bringing peanuts into a preschool cafeteria, said he will tell Republican senators to vote against additional aid for Ukraine and Israel until there are meaningful changes to the border.
But the way it came out was brains. On his website, Truth, Social Dot, I'm gonna guess scam, Donald Trump denied reports that he was so depressed after the 2020 election that he stopped eating, saying, quote, it was not that I was not eating, it was that I was eating too much. Wow, good save. That's like when a rumor went around middle school that I had peed my pants, and I was like, jokes on you, because I actually pooped him. The Los Angeles Dodgers have signed two-way superstar Shohei Otani to a 10-year contract worth $700 million, which is almost as much as his sister on Onlyfans, Shofit Otani. I thought that was a real smart joke. Mcdonald's has announced a new spin-off restaurant called Cosmix. it's exactly like regular Mcdonald's, except that at Cosmix, the mascot is, oh, no, Cosby Mcdonald?
Oh, no. according to a new study, the rate of depression among men in America is at an all-time high. here to comment is our very own Marcelo Hernandez. Thank you very much. it's always great to see you, Marcelo. So why do you think that men are depressed? Colin, to understand why men are depressed, we have to first talk about women, And I understand women.
Yeah, I don't know if you want to start with that. No, Colin. like, I grew up with only women in my house, Okay? It was me, my mom, and my sister. And then in high school, my mom's best friend and her daughter moved in. so it was just me and four women. And when that happens to you, Colin, when it's just you and four women, you have no choice. But to become the man of the house. Wrong. to become a woman. I was a woman for many years, Colin. a proud Latina woman. And I was living a double life, you know, because at school, I was captain of the soccer team, screaming at all the players, you better play defense today!
And then I would get home, and my mom would be like, Marcelo, how do I look? and I would be like, you look amazing, mommy. as a matter of fact, do me a favor. go back into your room and walk out again. I want to see you again. Where are you going? the White House? Is my mama going to meet the President?
And how does this relate to men being depressed? Because, Colin, women support each other. men don't support each other. that's why they're depressed. a girl can tell her best friend anything, and she'll support it no matter what. a girl will tell her best friend. she'll be like, I'm dating the sky, and he robs banks. and then her friend will be like, at least he has a passion. And you don't think that men are as supportive?
No, not at all. that's why I don't go to the barber shop anymore, Colin. it's a negative energy in there. no one is happy to see you when you go to the barber shop. every time I go, the guy's like, look who it is. we already told you, buddy. we can't make you taller. that's why a little prince like me goes to the salon, Colin. I get to the salon, Colin, and the lady's like, where have you been? and I'm like, I don't know. I missed you. Okay, the salon doobie sounding kind of fire. it didn't, dude.
I'm just trying to say that women have support, okay? when a woman goes through a breakup, all her friends show up. when a guy goes through a breakup, his boys just act like his flight got delayed. you'll be like, yo, I was in love with her, man. out of nowhere, she left me, and my best friend will be like, damn. that sucks, bro. just go to Chili's and wait for the next one, my boy. And you would say this is the reason men are the most depressed they've ever been in history? Yes, and also a variety of other psychological and genetic issues, but they're not as funny, and I don't have stand-up on that. Marcello Hernandez, everyone. Sylvester Stallone traveled to Philadelphia to celebrate the city's first ever rocky Day, although I'd say that if you're living in Philadelphia, every day is a pretty rocky day.
Alaska Airlines has announced plans to buy Hawaiian Airlines for nearly $2 billion. Alaska and Hawaiian combined will be called technically American Airlines.
It was reported the inmate who attacked Derek Chauvin, the police officer who killed George Floyd, stabbed Chauvin 22 times, but Chauvin still wouldn't stop choking him. Nick Cannon revealed that he spends up to $200,000 every year taking all 12 of his children to Disneyland. that's how bad condoms feel. some Google users are upset after the company's Ai software mistakenly labeled innocent pictures of their children as child porn. this is completely unacceptable, said people who were looking for real child porn. Convicted of throwing a burrito bowl at a Chipotle worker has been sentenced to spend two months working in fast food restaurants. fast food, where your job is other people's jail. A self-described anti-woke beer company has created a calendar which features, quote, the most beautiful conservative women in America, which is just a polite way of saying flat asses. Buffalo Bills coach Sean Mcdermott apologized after giving a speech to his players where he used 9-11 terrorists as a good example of teamwork, which is kind of a full-circle moment because when Osama Bin Laden was giving the terrorists a pep talk, he told them not to be like the Bills. a gym teacher in Florida was arrested after he threw a basketball at a sixth grader and then elbowed him in the mouth, knocking out his front tooth. the teacher was forced to resign and return to the Golden State Warriors.
Well, guys, the holidays are coming up. here with some intimate gift ideas for that special someone is our very own, Chloe Feynman. Hi, Chloe. what are you doing in front of the desk? Well, I only have one sexy gift idea and I kind of have to demonstrate it. Okay. well, I'm curious. the sexiest gift you can give your partner is trying something new in the bedroom. what are you about to do? I don't know, but I'm getting my popcorn out for this. the perfect holiday gift this year is the dance that Julia Stiles does at the end of the 2001 movie, Save The Last Dance. Chloe, what are you talking about? Hit it! I'm sorry. sorry. you think this is a sexy dance to give your partner? don't you? I mean, not really. it's worth it for me.
What style of dance even is this? Street Ballet. street ballet? Yeah. basically, Julia Stiles's character, Sarah is an uptight ballerina who auditions to get into Juilliard but doesn't get in. and then her mom on the same day dies in a car crash. Okay, so where does the street element come in?
Come on, Sarah moves to the South Side of Chicago and goes to a more urban high school where she learns hip-hop. Duh. exactly. So Sarah combines hip-hop with ballet to create an entirely new style of dance, like this. Hip-hop, Hop.
Okay, and then what happens? she gets another audition for Juilliard and her crush, Derek, skips a drive-by shooting to come support her. he shows up holding a jacket over his shoulder and gives a nod of approval. So does she get into Juilliard? Yes! Sarah did get into Juilliard. How? Well, you didn't see the end of the dance. Hit it! Ellen, what did you think? Well, I can't say this on the record yet, but welcome to Juilliard. |
TheOnion | 38_Year_Old_Little_Boy_Posts_Picture_Of_Fast_Car_He_Likes_To_Facebook | After excitedly posting an image of a Lamborghini Rebecca Anton to his Facebook account earlier this afternoon, 38-year-old little boy Nick Weber talked to Onion reporters about his passion for fast cars. When I saw that car I was like, whoa, it was so cool. I had to show it to all my friends. I like red cars the best, but only ones that are really, really fast. I can't wait to get one when I'm older. I'm going to get the fastest car in the whole world. The Weber also frequently posts about his other interests, which include motorcycles, fighter jets, and Marvel superhero Iron Man. The nearly 40-year-old small child confirmed that sports cars are his favorite, and the picture of the bright yellow Lamborghini has already garnered 15 likes and nine comments from other enthused middle-aged children who are friends with Weber on the social networking site. My best friend Bradley, he sent me a picture of a blue convertible that's so awesome, has these big wheels, and even has a racing stripe on it. I drew the car I'm going to get when I get older.
Want to see?
After watching several online videos of fast cars and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, the homeowning little tyke went to his room to take a nap.
Check this week's Onion Review for further developments. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_amazon_go_snl | Since 2018 Amazon's been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It's Amazon go so I just grab what I want and leave. Yep Wow, that's so easy. Use the Amazon Go app to enter then start shopping. That's it. That's it. No lines, no checkouts. No Problem at an Amazon go store You Can walk in, grab what you want, put it in your bag, and just go. Oh, she want me to just take something and walk out Nice It's so convenient We Know some people are skeptical, some people. Well, here's how it works: We use computer vision, huh? Deep learning algorithms and sensor fusion. Okay, so it's a trap So Where do you pay? There's no register. It All happens with our grab-and-go technology. But Where do you pay? You don't know? I Do I always pay. Okay, it's simple Take What you want? Put it in your own bag and walk out and we have everything you love. Oh, hey, they have my favorite brand of Kombucha. Oh, that's great. You should grab it. Sure Can You grab it You should pick it up babe, it's fine. Pick it up. I'm learning. If You change your mind. just put it back. Our technology will update your virtual cart instantly, okay. So Get your purchase and go. Oh, go ahead, leave. just walk out. You've already paid Here we go, I Told you it's just notifying you of your receipts. No, checkup. No seriously, that's a damn trap. |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_robin_williams_catherine_zeta_jones_sean_connery_snl | And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! Because of what happened just before the commercial, I'd like to apologize to all blind people and children. that said, let's take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy! record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.
Yes, thank you! Yes, Jeopardy! Yes! I hear you, my boy! you are healed! We have found Tom Selleck's mustache, yes. suddenly we go over here and look at the scoreboard, but we have here, Oh, Vanna White. can we turn the letters? she's making a vowel movement, yes. Oh, hi, I'm Robert Don Jr. Robert Don Jr. wants a recount. Yes, and there's a kid at home going, No, I want to read Harry Potter! Yes, fantastic. thank you. thank you.
Moving on, Catherine Zeta-jones has no score at all because she's mostly been talking about her recent marriage.
Alex, I'd like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Michael, darling, if you're watching, the diapers in the bedroom closet and the baby's diapers are under the sink. I love you, darling. that's beautiful.
And finally, Sean Connery is also here. let's move on to Double Jeopardy, where the category is. not so fast, Trabac! I really thought that was going to work. you were wrong, you Montabanc. I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle, if you will. I don't want to hear it. What's the difference between you and a mallet with a cold? one's a sick duck. I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore. Wonderful. let's take a look at the categories. they are potent potables, point to your own head, letters or numbers. will this hurt if you put it in your mouth? an album cover. make any noise.
And finally, Famous Muppet Frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit. Thank you. Yes, Kermit. Yes, it's like Kermit and John Wayne going, it's not easy being Green Pilgrim. it's like Swassen going, yeah, I'm Kermit the Frog, Yeah, that's me, Swassen. Make a Kermit.
More. You might be legally retarded. He has a point. All right, Catherine Zeta-jones, we'll start with you.
Mr. Williams. Oh, it's a beautiful thing, Yes. right now there's a guy at home going, what the hell are you going on there? Thank you, thank you. Mr. Williams, you already rang in. Yes, it's a beautiful thing, though. Monica Lewinsky's at home going, Thank you, thank you. anyone else?
Mr. Williams, I hate you. But I love you. it's like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going, you're Kermit the Frog. Yes. you are a very sick man. Anyone besides Mr. Williams? 5 is, of course, a number.
Catherine Zeta-jones, Sadly, it's still your board. I'll take Tv shows that distort about my waiting for 300. for the last time, that is not a category. Sean Connery, why don't you pick? Well, the game is afoot.
I'll take anal bum cover for $7,000. that's an album cover, not anal bum cover. I can read trabec. that says anal bum cover. I spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover. failing to do so is my greatest regret. you have led a horrifying life. the category is an album cover, and the answer is, the Beatles' white album is this color.
Catherine Zeta-jones.
Who are the Beatles? I'm sorry, that's wrong. No, I'm asking you, who are the Beatles? I've never heard of them. Oh, yes, the Beatles, Yes. What if they're the Volkswagen Beatles?
I'm actually going, I want to hold your five-pig nougat, Yes. For the love of God, shut your mouth. I tell you what, let's just go to Final Jeopardy, And the category is, you know what? you guys just decide. you each ask your own question and then answer it. there's no way you can get this wrong, because you're asking the question. ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. you'd have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up. And now let's see how you managed to mess it up. Robin Williams wrote nothing because he stuck his pin through his own hand. Yes, you know what it's like? suddenly it's like a Shakespeare, a Shakespeare next to his gay going, That's Poor York. I knew him. Oh, oh! shell's butt, yes. don't ever come here again. Catherine Zeta-jones asked herself this question. what sound does a doggy make? Fine. And you answered. you didn't know the answer. you couldn't answer your own question. it was hard. Unbelievable. And finally, Sean Connery asked himself, okay, I think I know where this is going. let me just see here.
Yeah, yeah, that's a horse having sex with me. Okay. that's beautiful. Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work. No, we're not going to do that, okay? I quit again. good night. come on. |
TheOnion | Snake_Eggs_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Pete it's always a pleasure to have you at the table okay where did you get these eggs I dredged them you dredged them well what we have here are some eggs belonging to a species of snake called the Allegheny beach snake these snakes are invasive to this area and are quite virulent where exactly did you dredge these eggs in the water fine these snakes are quite popular with black market snake breeders and since the eggs are intact you can expect them to be quite the attraction at auction but Pete these snakes wipe out all the frogs and fish in any lake they're found in and turn their habitats into algae ravaged swamps the lake as you know it will cease to be something to think about it there's nothing to think about it's not even in your interest you're looking at the loss of hundreds of thousands of dollars of lifetime dredging income always other lakes oh yeah sure if you tried dredging the lake over in Harwinton recently why don't you take your barge over to Harwinton Pete see if you can dredge up anything but a but a big pile of writhing hissing Allegheny beach snakes okay Pete I am asking you to destroy these eggs in fact I am refusing to appraise them unless you do well I think that would go against appraisers regulation you wouldn't want to do that would you Kim with the trouble you're in together the eggs are worth 10 to 15 dollars apiece but Pete picking through someone else's dredging spoils is one thing but destroying this town's dredging industry for 30 to 40 dollars is something completely different $40 huh Pete I'm asking you it's a colleague I'd like to get something for these eggs six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty this sex house |
cracked | how_do_i_reincarnate_into_a_horse_quorators_podcast | It's Quaradors, we're back for another week. It's the boys. Yo, what's up? It's just us. It's the boys again. It's the boys. Sometimes it's just the boys.
Uh oh. Your parents aren't home. It's just the boys again. Uh oh. Uh, what up, dogs?
It's Alex and Jeremy. I'm Alex. I'm Jeremy. This is Alex.
It's Quora Podcast. I feel like that's all you need to know. It's really all you need to know. It's a low, you know, what is it? Info.
Yeah, sure. No, not effort. No.
We're trying very hard to read Quora. We're curating the Quoras. No one else knows how to do that or even how to like pronounce the name of the podcast. No one knows what the name of the podcast is for some reason. People think it's Quaradors. People think we're Orators who read Quora.
Well that's equally true though. It is true. But it's not what we are.
We are curators who read Quora. We curate Quoras.
We do. We can do it all maybe. All right. Let's get into it.
Last week we had a very interesting question. I do not remember what it was. Every week we read a Quora that we wrote at the end of the episode. And it was last week we wrote, when frogs hatch their eggs from their backs, does that feel good for them? Okay, I am genuinely interested in this. Great. You know what though, I shouldn't have been surprised when people would just put pictures up there.
And that's a frog coming out of that guy's back. Yeah, that's well, the guy is also a frog.
So it's okay. Sorry. Yeah, I should say that. Can I put this on the channel? I feel like you can't. I don't know.
It's not. It's nature. It's frog porn, right? It's not nurture. I guess if you're a fetishist in the frog community, it's porn.
We've gotten in a lot of trouble for talking about bestiality on this podcast and I want to be clear, not from anyone in charge of us, just from our listeners who are really in charge of us in a way. I'm in hot water with my wife for my frog discussions. People don't want us to talk about having sex with animals, but we're not. Well, we're not. We're talking about animals having sex with each other, which is so different. We're not even talking about that right now.
What is the frog question? My answer is predicated on the assumption that the frog that you mentioned is the common sarinam toad. Well, it sounds like that's not a frog. It's a fucking toad, you idiot.
Next answer. Should we not read the answer to this? It's the only answer I'm interested though.
Indeed, the very thought of amphibian birthing processes gives me pause. Yep, same. That's why we carry their clutch. Their simple nervous system likely feels little in the way of pain or pleasure from the experience. Huh? Still.
You just like your back becomes a sieve of babies and you're just like, that's Tuesday. Another day being a frog. I can't wait to clock out and die. Oh, jeez. The poor frog.
We're going to talk a lot about being small animals this episode. Honestly, anything that doesn't have a nervous system, no longer interested, I'm not that part of my journey anymore. The challenges of parenting knows no species, but for frogs, nature has devised a system of developing young that requires minimal mobility, a sensible arrangement for creatures not renowned for their mobility on land. After frogs feel the first nibbles and nudges remains an open question, but I tip my hat to their commitment to nurturing the next generation.
How did we find this gentleman? I tip my hat to you, dear toads. A tip of the hat to that dude.
May you one day find pleasure in giving birth. So is the answer that there's only like one kind of toad who does that nasty? I really don't know. That nasty stuff I'm talking about. I truly couldn't tell you. That was from Tommy C. I can't imagine anyone's really finding pleasure from giving birth. I know that took a thing. You feel incredible pain in that pleasure.
It's like the, what is the film with Pinhead? Hellraiser. It is similar to Hellraiser giving birth.
Two guys. What do you know? The pleasure is in the pain. Welcome to the podcast. Childless bed. We read chorus.
Tommy C is a blogger. He has a website called Buff Bow. Yo, check out Buff Bow.
No, it's not on Quora. Fair enough. We read Quora. It's the Quora podcast.
Should we read some chorus? Yes. Because we don't have any answer. That was a great answer though. Also just a casual reminder because we are banking this. If you do want to answer one of our questions, you must in your comment, write the word scrambled eggs. And in that we will know that you came from the show and you're not like just a crazy person like Buff Bow. Honestly, it's so that we know to not be like this fucking idiot. Yeah, so we'll be nice to you. So we read your question. We go, that's a great question.
Yeah, we put the real barbs away. Sometimes we go, look at this fucking dumbass and I'm like, oh, never mind. Scrambled eggs.
It's from a beautiful listener. That's a good guy. He's handsome. That's a strong guy.
All right. Well, anyway, this is the religion segment. Corbidant fruit. All right. Hold on.
It came up last episode, but the religion song is also the philosophy song. But what is religion if not a type of philosophy?
It is though. I agree. It is.
There's nothing funny about that. This question is, are vampires in the Bible? Just think about it. They're on boats now. So this is my main takeaway from the vampire thing. I read the Bible in school or whatever, but, uh, and by the Bible, of course, you mean the Twilight saga. That is not what I mean. If vampires are part of the Bible, I feel like more of the Bible should be like, here's another sin being a vampire, fighting a human and drinking all their blood.
Sure. Yeah.
Do not make pale look so good. Yeah. Bats are not it chief stuff like that. But, uh, so the only thing I would say is if vampires are in the Bible at all, and I don't think they are, but if they're in there even a little bit, it's got to just be like cameo by a vampire because they do not get enough discussion at church as you'd think that they should. I'm not. I'm Jewish. So we don't know.
I don't even know what they fucking are. They're, they're terrible.
What if there's like some people in the Bible could be like low key vampires, like that snake that talks and makes Eve drink that and eat the apple low key. He's low key. Judas is a vampire. Honestly, he's a, he's a cloud shark and he's a vampire. What if there's like a wine in the Bible where Jesus is just like, you're being a fucking vampire right now, dude, you're stealing my energies. Yeah.
Shots fired at Judas.
Dude. We're so anti Judas. You are not welcome on the. Judas. You're on watch. You will never read porn. Actually, I would have Judas on the pod. I'll pay you two pieces of 50 pieces of silver not to come on. I don't remember which one you think you would betray us.
How much is silver? What do you mean? Like, do you get a lot or a little of it? All right. It's got to be a lot. It's got to be a lot silver. I mean, you've to betray the lamb anyway. Let's find out. Do we look up what the cost of silver is?
I know about our vampires in the Bible. Okay. Well, Cain A, who I guess is the first man, son of Cain, biblical linguistics and pastor says yes, we do. But unlike some of the more dramatic responses listed, I will approach this a bit more practically. Thank you. Vampirism, the practice of consumption of blood, especially by various ancient cultures was forbidden by the Torah of Moses. You are.
You know, even more about vampires, but then they should be a resident vampire expert. Actually, they have fire expert here.
That was a prequel DLC is why I don't know about vampires. That's so fucked up that you call the Jewish Bible prequel DLC DLC extra shit that came out before. Sometimes it's the best part. I don't know. Yeah, man. I love watching blade one prequel DLC to blade two. I'm trying to think of an example that I went for vampires. I try to think of an example that does place take place in the Dungeons and Dragons universe and I cannot. So what do you mean? I know some good prequels, the Dungeons and Dragons universe.
Fair enough. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, I'm going to quote Leviticus here. Thank you.
And you are not to eat any blood either of bird or animal in any of your dwellings. Any person who eats any blood, that person shall be cut off from his people.
All right. It's pretty close there. I don't know. But it's not like, and you turn into a swarm of bats. Yeah. Also like you're fast and no karate for some reason. I'm not drinking blood. That's not what I'm up to. But if you eat like a juicy steak, does that make you a vampire according to Leviticus? Well, it says not to. Yeah.
So like you can't go. You can't have a rare steak. These liberals at Leviticus won't let you have a rare steak the way you are raised.
I do like the idea. Leviticus is famous for the one that has all the homophobic stuff, right? Yeah. Leviticus is actually somewhat like over party, hashtag Leviticus. I just like that. People don't talk about Leviticus being like, and no gay people and no vampires. All the good stuff. I know.
They go on to have more like don't eat blood stuff in Leviticus. The condemnation was strong enough that those who practice it were condemned to be cut off from the rest of the people. Clearly, these prohibitions were given to contrast the nation surrounding the young nation of Israel. Why have a prohibition against the consumption of blood if the practice was not evident?
Okay. This keeps going. I don't really care. So that's like inferred vampirism. Yeah. I don't know.
Between the lines, like Dark Souls lore for vampirism. This is like if you said Judas was low key a vampire and no one would say that. No one would say that.
Although I would say there's a lot of welcome on the podcast. Judas. Yes. No, we will not have him on. Alex does want to have on Hunter Biden though. Come on. I do want to have that and I'm cutting it out because it's a secret. All right. Let's say that. Okay. No, but I am. I would be happy to have Paul formerly called Saul. He's welcome on the show. Anyway, most of the answers are just saying, no, there's no vampires in the Bible. It's funny you mentioned that. No.
Bram Stoker wrote Dracula. I know who wrote Dracula.
It would be nice if vampires were in the Bible because it would make the Bible a little bit sexier. The Bible is classically a Frankenstein book. Who is the Frankenstein of the Bible?
His name is Jesus Christ. I will not be addressing this anymore. He's made from body parts of the Holy Spirit. He's made from his own body parts. Yeah. He's made of bread.
All right. That's enough of this question.
Let's move on to forbidden knowledge, a very similar thing. That was forbidden fruit. This is forbidden knowledge. Enter the realm. Triangles. So forbidden knowledge is like spooky stuff. Spooky stuff on Quora.com. It's knowledge is forbidden.
Yeah. What of Illuminati esque? Illuminati is ghosts. We haven't dived as much into that since we have moved to crack. But that's because I like it and everyone else hates it. And that's mostly why I like demon stuff. Yeah. I want to know about I like all the stuff where people are in detail describing like which demons you can summon and which ones are annoying. Yeah.
And I want to try doing it. Maybe now that we're in the crack studio, we can summon a demon. Will that make you feel better? No. We did it at the live show.
It's over.
We summon a demon. I want to draw a pentagram.
No one laughs. It did bomb.
Anyway, this question is how do I reincarnate into a horse? Oh, man. How would you want to? Well, I don't know. What would you want to reincarnate to if you could pick one? This is basically the plot of the lobster. Uh, if I, if I got to pick.
Yeah. Re-upping human. Yeah. Re-upping humans like the top of the ladder is the thing. So you want your like high tier loadout. Yeah. Well, now that I know that you don't get any pleasure from giving birth as a frog, that's off the list. And certainly a toad. Yeah. No, it's counterpart.
Um, but I guess if, if you said like humans are banned, new meta, I'd probably be, I guess logically next to you would want to be an ape or something, but apes are kind of nasty freaks and I'm not really interested in that. And so I would maybe be a dolphin or something cool. I don't know if I want intelligence though. I don't know if I want to be like. Okay, but you have intelligence, but you also get to swim around and you have flippers and stuff. I don't even know if I'm going human. Is that like a depressed boy thought to be like, I don't think I ever want to be a person anymore. I want to be a dog.
Well, it just shows how little you know of reincarnation and the Buddha, but also at the same time, we're saying this new meta humans banned. Okay. Yeah. What's your pick humans banned?
I've traditionally been my favorite animal, the marina guana. Those guys, they just hang out. They hang out in the Galapagos.
They're really stupid looking lizards. Apparently Darwin famously called them like disgusting vile creatures. They look like little Godzillas. Are they, so they're like lizard sloths. They're like lizard. Yeah, basically lizard sloths.
All right. That's pretty cool. I'll give you that. That's pretty cool.
They probably eat bananas all day, but a horse wouldn't be bad provided that you live now and not in like back when they were the cars. Yeah. I mean, they still kind of are though. Like you ever go to like, um, you know, Manhattan and you see the horses walking around? Like they're so sad. Yeah.
I don't want to be a city. I don't want to be that kind of. No, I don't want to be a city horse.
There's like city house, uh, city mouse country mouse. And it's like, which one's better? I think city, city horse country horse is a clear land slide for country horse. I want to be a horse and I'm running around, not hanging out in big city town, pooping on the street and living with my friend.
Is that a country song? It's a country song.
I want to be a country horse. I want a horse that does things the old fashioned way.
You sick of these modern city horses. These these addicted to dope horse slickers. I don't know what other horse slickers.
They don't know. What's up Rob?
Horse in a small town. Yeah, horse in a small town. Horse around in a small town.
See how far your hooves take you. You're just like becoming fucking hank from gig of the hill.
That's right. All right. Well, let's see.
How do I reincarnate into a horse? Now this is arena Noah and she is... First you have to die.
She is a past life regression therapist. She's the exact person to ask. Yeah. We can look at her whole thing. She, um, she's a hypnotherapist.
My favorite thing about this is when you click on a steam account and it's like, I know about past lives. And then it's like, would you punish your son if he broke his steam account?
She lives in New Orleans. So she's into twin flame regression as well. So we were talking about twin flames earlier today.
On the train, yes. On the train.
We can get into that another time. But future Quora topic.
They're very lucrative. Keep an eye out. Check out twin flames.
She says humans usually do not reincarnate as animals as it is not beneficial for the evolution of the soul to go back to animal lives. Human meta. So what do you do after being a human? You just go human again every time? Supposedly. Well, first of all, you load up human every time. And then when you get to the top of human, you get to be a ether and, you know, the sun and stuff. So you get like a new class system and it's ether. You get to be protoss. Cool. Occasionally it is permitted to have a life as a wild animal to regain animal vitality. For example, to balance a life of disability. I am always saying this. So if you're disabled, you have to go be an animal again? You have to be a horse again to get that out of your system. You're not ready to be a human.
Yeah! Little John!
That feels... that's so fucked up. Well, it could be good to have animals like that. Hey, are you deaf? You got to be a turtle now. Wait, what if you're a horse or whatever and then you're like also disabled? That's totally possible. Yeah, I don't know, dude. Although...
Well, it says... she says you could have a vacation life as a wild horse to get the energy going and get a lot of freedom and physical movement. Tell me that doesn't sound nice. It doesn't sound nice to have a vacation life. I really need to be a horse for a little bit.
I think I'm on that. I think I'm having my vacation life right now. I mostly just read Quora.
I think I'm actually a horse who had a bad time. You're a city horse. You think you're a disabled horse. I was a disabled city horse in like 1960 and they were like, run it back.
Easy mode. Let it be Alex for a bit. Let him have snacks. Do you like apples? I love him.
You might be a horse. I can't get enough of this stuff. That's really funny when people are like, in a past life, I think I was Julius Caesar and you're like, I think I was like a sad horse. I was a sad horse and they're giving me a vacation life. Or you can choose an animal life to help people as an emotional support therapy horse helping children with mental illness.
No, no thank you. Do not want that. That's too specific. Do not want.
I don't think you get to pick like where you respawn. No, this is not battlefield. It's not battlefield. It's real life.
If you really love horses and want to experience being one, you do not even need to incarnate into a horse life as a spirit between lives. You can merge with any animal and feel their feelings. In any case, after you die and start planning your next life, ask your guides if you can have a life as a horse. They would explain how to do it practically if they think it's a good idea for you. But you can definitely choose a human life with a lot of horses in it.
I got to get a guide. I didn't realize how few guides are.
I know. I like that it's like having a guidance counselor in school where you're like, I'm thinking like horse, but like a dog is a safety animal. I was planning on just dying normal. Is that stupid? The guys are like, I'm sorry.
You just don't have the disability to be a horse. You don't have the kind of cachet. Yeah, you have to be pretty disabled.
I'm looking at your grades here. You're going to war. Your life's going to be shit. You're going to be an elephant, but you're going to be going through the mountains. You're going to be an elephant with depression.
Yeah. Anyway, that's really the only answer. The other answer just says, smoke some really strong dope. That should do it for you.
That's from Louise Sanders, whose picture is a dog. She's so cool, dude. I like Louise. She's a Canadian woman who is an atheist. Yeah, she's chief in it.
That's how you come back as a horse. Somebody's clearly never spoken to a guide if you think it's that simple. It's way more complicated than that. Yep.
You got to do a dance. You got to do the fusion dance.
I think she might be very right wing, but I'm not sure. Is the dog picture given this away? I'm just looking at her questions. I haven't read this, so I'm sorry if I'm getting it totally wrong, but she asks, this was from a few days ago. She says, Oh my God. Why does the press say that Justin Trudeau separated from his wife when the truth is that she kicked his sorry ass out of their marriage and she had good reasons for doing this? Okay.
Yeah, as you can see from the fourth one down, there are some questions we should just not read. I wasn't going to read that one. I don't know what it means, but it's something we should not read. I also saw that, and I think it shouldn't be read. I don't know if it's actually bad though. I don't know. I'm not going to read it.
It's too much of a gamble. Who cares? We'll cut it.
Rob, it's why are chuck wagon races allowed to exist? Do you think chuck wagon is like a Native American race? Wait, wait. Or is it like... What type of race? Or is it like dog fighting? Is chuck wagon races?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't know. All right, we're going to Google on this one. Chuck. I just assumed it was race. We have to cut all of this because we sound dumb either way.
No, we know about chuck wagon races. Wait, no, that's a kind of wagon. It's a dangerous wagon in Canada. It's a dangerous race that hurts horses.
I thought it was a slur for somebody and I didn't know who. Me too. That was my guess. I just assumed chuck wagon was something you cannot say on the internet.
Especially because Canadians have been pretty cruel. Because they really just... They invent slurs that sound like household oxygen. Okay, I don't know if we're cutting all of that or not, but let's go to a question that is much more dangerous.
And this question is, do Pokemons have sex? Do Pokemons have sex?
First of all, I got to say, that ain't right. Pokemon famously breed, right? They breed... I remember a part in the second game starting where you can just drop them off and it says specify male and female and then a new one comes out. So that seems like if they're not doing that, then what are they doing? Many years ago, I had an idea for a recurring web series called Breeders where it would be two people who work at a Pokemon breeding facility.
Lawsuit. You're being sued. Lawsuit.
Who cares? The pitch was just every episode, it's them smoking a cigarette outside of the breeding place, being like, I don't know, the things I saw there. That's exactly what I've seen.
A Raichu with a Bulbasaur. Those things shouldn't go together. Snorlax is too large of a partner.
Yeah, no, for real. To truly engage.
That's a great idea. Jigglypuff's a size queen. You can have any Pokemon mate. Yeah.
They don't... They don't care, dude.
So maybe it's not sexual that way then, and they have a poke mating ritual that's like a sponge or something. Yeah, they have a sponge, dude. What do sponges do? I don't know. This is a chuck wagon situation all over again. I think sponges are a contraceptive, right?
God damn it, Jeremy. They soak up all your semen. You know what I mean. You know exactly what I mean. And then you eat it. Jeremy.
I haven't slept in like six months.
You look great. Thank you. Yeah, so they do have sex. It is nice.
Apparently the eggs just magically appear according to this story user. I don't believe you. That's what the, apparently the in-game cannon is that the eggs just show up.
Yeah, that's what people say about normal babies to young children. They just know their audience is like six years old. And then there's still what comes.
And is the stork a Pokemon? Yeah, you could catch it and have it battle. The stork would be a Pokemon in Pokemon though.
That's like how that's how it has to work. I feel like so.
I mean the question of like do Pokemon have sex is interesting. But I do think the more interesting question is always like how do they decide which is a Pokemon and which is like an animal you can eat because they have they eat meat. They do eat meat. They eat pork.
I have like Tonkotsu all the time. And then there's like a Pokemon that's just a pig. My favorite part of the Pokemon sex discussion is there's that one Pokemon Machoke who is just a guy. He's just a guy and he's out there mingling.
What about Mr. Mime? There used to be a rumor that Ash's dad was secretly Mr. Mime. Oh. I always loved the idea that like Ash's mom got like freaky with Mr. Mime.
He's doing this. He's probably so good in bed. He's got those hands that are tilted. Yeah, dude. He's got his jingly hat. You give him an orgasm and he's like reflect and then you get an orgasm. You get what you put into Mr. Mime. This is really what I wanted out of this question.
Also, there's fucking Farfetch'd who's just a duck. Yeah, he's a duck. Well, a lot of them are just animals. But like I don't you... There's Ekans who's a snake. Then you're just having sex with Machoke like Farfetch'd who's having sex with Machoke.
It's nasty folks. It's nasty. Do we have any other answers on this? Most of them are just people saying what we're saying which is that it's nasty. It's nasty in there, dude.
That's right. Someone posted the one of the Pokemon that's just the keys. I've never seen this before. Oh, so this is technically a ghost Pokemon. The in canon is that it takes on the form of human things.
But this one, it's usually just a bunch of keys. It's a bunch of keys. People are always looking for keys.
You don't want to fuck the keys Pokemon, dude. It's a Pokemon janitor is often fine. They're sticking the keys Pokemon up their butts. If you're not watching the YouTube video, you got to get this Google key Pokemon.
It's key Pokemon. The key Pokemon could probably turn into like a dildo.
Why am I talking about this, man? Why?
He hasn't slept for days.
Welcome to crack. Excuse my friend here. This is the kind of stuff that they want on crack.com because it's a nerd based humor website.
Yeah. The key Pokemon thing is spot. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Okay. Let's go to the next question. Okay. This is the quiz course. Honestly, it's only going to get weirder from here. Oh, okay.
What's our quiz course in? Do we have one?
I think we just kind of do American flag one. Why don't we say American flag? Well, you salute the flag and you hear this one. I'm going lefty. It's just a fucking national anthem. Yeah. The flag song. All right.
The quiz course is your political one. Most controversial. If you didn't like the Pokemon sex question.
Get ready. You will love.
I just took an open carrier by surprise from behind. Hog tied him and then confiscated his firearm because it firearm because I decided he was a threat to myself and the public at large. To whom do I hand in his weapon?
Killing spree. Now this is most core users. They're constantly being attacked by intruders. They're one of the most vulnerable minorities. Yes.
It's a kill or be killed situation. Also the hog tying is relentless. They are tied up like a hog. I got fucking pig. Every day. Or actually I guess this person hog tied somebody else. But you only hog tied somebody else when you've been hog tied so many times you feel like you have no other way out.
I just like that the question is to whom do I hand in his weapon. He's just like and then I did a triple backflip and I beat up all the ninjas and my one question. Where do I get my award? Anybody want to take this? I hog tied him. No problem. Here's that gun you wanted. Name disassembles the gun. So I would say to your local police station. Simple question.
Or if they're unavailable to the Antifa department. Because that's the reality of the situation. Yeah. This guy probably loves Antifa. The real group that exists.
And he gives them all the guns from his hog tied victims. What do you do with the hog tied man? That's my question. He's a hog now. He's legally a hog. He's been hog tied.
Also you know what I've just thought of something. He doesn't even say that this guy. I assume that this guy's like breaking into his house. He just says that he decided for himself that the guy was a threat. This is just like criminal Quora. Yeah. This is from the other perspective of the usual questions we read.
Which is just like I'm a rampant criminal. I can't be stopped. And I've broken into your home.
What do I do?
I like that he did a citizen's arrest on him basically. I love the concept of a citizen's arrest. It's something anyone could do. You can arrest anyone you want. You come to this country legally. It's time to arrest people. Citizen's arrest. What are the rules on that? Are there limits to who you can citizen's arrest? Jeremy, there are no limits. Can I just citizen's arrest you right now? I feel comfortable saying this in a public channel. Arrest anyone you want.
I give you my blessing. Yeah. Do it.
Don't arrest us though. What are you afraid of? You're being a little sissy? Arrest somebody. I arrested my first man when I was 13.
What did the answer say? I'll take things that didn't happen for 500. First of all, you know what I always hate about this answer? I don't think that would be a good Jeopardy category.
Things that didn't happen?
How would you even guess that? You would have nowhere to start.
Yeah. They'd be like, you know, none of these things happen. Vampires in the Bible? Yeah. That's how you do it. Yeah.
It could be in any category. It's a bad category.
This is why none of these people write for Jeopardy. That's true. They write for Quora.
But let's analyze it. If you have committed assault, battery, false imprisonment, grand theft, theft of a firearm, so go ahead and go to the police and let them know of the multiple felonies you committed and enjoy the criminal charges as well as the lawsuit from your victim. Basically all the answers are just like, I don't think this really happened. I'm a lawyer.
Stop hog-tying people. You're not allowed to hog-tie people.
Just here to suck the fun out of the whole thing. Okay, so this is maybe a known troll. This guy's name is Jay Keys. He's that Pokemon we just had. He's the one who's asked the question. He's asked 1,000 questions on Quora.com.
Almost all of them are about guns. Okay. Oh.
So do you think this is really what he looks like? No, I think he does not look like this. He looks like an old man.
I don't know. I think this is some sort of Quora troll. Troll? What an old man troll.
All right, well, maybe we should move on, because this is a question that is... It's unanswerable. This is a more answerable question, I think. And this is our politics segment. Yeah, maybe this is the title of the video. I don't know.
What if Adolf Hitler turned out to be a reincarnation of Jesus? Checkmate. It's something I had not considered up until this very moment, and it would be quite disturbing. Oh, you don't like Hitler? Well... What if? My favorite part of this question is, like, it turned out. So, like, oh, we get the reincarnation reveals, and you are not going to believe who Hitler was. I feel like the answer would just be like, okay, I guess Jesus is bad.
Jesus was his vacation life, and then he had to be Hitler later. That was the trade-off. In between, he was a very mean horse. He was a very anti-Semitic horse. You know, it wasn't very easy being Jesus. I shouldn't have called it his vacation life. Although he did get all that bread. Yeah, he got killed by the Romans, and he was like, never again. I guess this person assumed that Jews killed him.
Is that... Yeah.
It was like, Jesus, revenge. It's like an 80s thriller. All I could say is, I hope this isn't the truth. It would bum me out if it turned out that Jesus was truly the Son of God and reincarnated into Adolf Hitler.
Yeah, it's true. Read that top answer for me, baby. What if you turned out to be out of your flipping mind? Let's go, dude. You can't beat that. You got owned. You can't beat a takedown like that.
You got owned by David Emily. David Emily.
A real man. Who is this guy? Who is named after two children next to each other. He's so cool. He's so goofy looking.
What's the line for putting people's pictures on the internet? Is it only when they're aggressively fake? I don't know. I'm not going to put this back.
This is clearly this actual guy's face. He looks in Portland, Oregon. Okay. Do you want to describe what he looks like? He just looks like a goofball. He looks like he has his glasses down, like he's saying, come on. Come on now.
What if Hitler was Jesus? Seems unlikely. That's such a funny question. What if Hitler was Jesus? What if?
Now what? If it's not safe to ask this here, where is it? Where can I ask this question?
What if Hitler was Jesus? I don't think he was.
I've checked. I've checked with experts.
He says, oh, please, it's been well-estimated that Jesus' most recent incarceration was as a kid playing skeetball. I don't know what any of this thing means. I guess an incarnation is kind of an incarceration in the flesh, isn't it, Jeremy? Isn't it? My catchphrase comes out again. I don't even wonder if, like, I don't think Nazis even think that he's Jesus. No, because it's a foreign religion. They think he's a different guy. All right, here's one.
Dan Ramsey says he had some very similar traits with Jesus, and they both spoke to the people who at the times were suffering from the tyranny of their oppressors. Similarities. They both spoke. And that led to Jesus turning against the Hebrew leaders, and Hitler against the Jews. I'm not trying to compare them to each other. That does sound like what you're trying to do. They both have stories. That does sound like what you're trying to do.
Jesus was Jewish. Yeah, it's a low-key fact. Low-key facts. There's a lot of Jesus talk this episode. Jesus is low-key Jewish.
Interesting. You won't have Judas on the podcast, and yet Jesus was Hitler. Very interesting, Alex. It's not true. The one man who was willing to go against Hitler, what, a thousand years before he was born?
I don't think this is the case, though, Jeremy. It's just a question that is safe to ask on Quora. Yeah. We're not endorsing this question. We're just wondering, is it true? As a matter of fact, I will not platform this question.
We did, though. I mean, in a literal sense. Do we have any more thoughts on Hitler being Jesus? Is there anything more to say on that? I would say this. I know that ain't right.
What if Hitler was Jesus? I'm shaking my head. Alex, what if Hitler was Jesus? I'm shaking my head.
All right. Let's go back to the guns. This next one is five quo. Slam it. Okay.
This is not real. This is not.
This is a police siren on the podcast. You're driving your sign. You're not being pulled over as far as we know. Okay. These are Quoras about the police.
If you were to go outside of a gun show using a sign that reads something like ban guns while having someone with a rifle watching over you from a distance and had them shoot the first person to draw a weapon at you, what laws have been broken? I hate that we need a lawyer to do this podcast, you know? I just don't have the education to address this kind of question. If you did a Batman-like scheme to kill gun owners, what laws have been broken? I've seen this in movies, and it's usually no laws. It's actually a loophole that you're allowed to do this. I think the actual answer is you can't goat people into trying to kill you and then kill them. I think the minute anyone is killing someone with a gun, the law is no killing people with a gun.
Don't do that.
That's specifically what we're trying to stop. We're so against that. And then you go to jail for having such a flamboyant sign. The police are like, only we're allowed to do that. It's true. That's for us. That's a top tactic. You're not supposed to do that. That's our thing. It's a professional move.
You have to go to school for it. Yeah, it's like the jackass sign at the beginning. Yes, do not try this at home. Do not attempt this. This is for long.
If you love the police. The part where it's a ban-gun sign adds a beautiful narrative to the question. It's kind of like, are you curious about the rest of my story? And gun owners... Click on my comments. If you have a sign that says ban guns, will gun owners try to kill you? Is that what they're implying? I really am thinking about it.
So their plan is they go to a gun show. They have a sign that says ban guns. Secretly, fucking Matt Damon as Jason Bourne is a mile away with a sniper rifle watching your every move. You're going to the thing and people are like, I'm so fucking pissed off at you for having that sign in our gun show.
I'm going to kill you right now. Keep in mind Jason Bourne does not remember who he is. That's true. Anyway, so then they pull the gun to start to shoot you and Jason Bourne is like, pew, pew, pew. And then they're all dead. And then you've broken no law because it's self-defense. Yeah, that would be...
Well, it's not self-defense because Jason Bourne is doing it for you. But they'll never catch it. He's defending. Yeah, well, he's Jason Bourne. They'll never catch him. He's actually going to catch them first. Well, what's going to happen is they're going to try to catch Jason Bourne. You're going to show up with a sign that says, don't catch Jason Bourne. They're going to be so mad that they try to kill you. And then Jason Bourne will be like, pew, pew, pew.
Anyway, I think that's probably fine. I think you could do that.
Are there any answers to this? Yeah, there's over 100. There's over 100? Okay, good. Let's read all of them.
What would happen? You would likely die of boredom waiting for someone to draw on you. Your plan would be deduced and your accomplice found. Said accomplice would roll on you and you would both spend time in prison for conspiring to commit murder and various other crimes. You would also become the new poster child for the anti-gun crowd, being psychologically unstable and therefore unable to legally own guns.
Here's what a lot of city horses don't realize, is no one is more relaxed than the crowd at a gun show. I can tell you're from Central Park because you're a city horse while you're pooping all over the street like that. Even one of them $7 carats. Buy a house in my stable. My wife's family used to have a dog, and we had to watch their dog once when we were living in Hell's Kitchen, which is where all those horses hang out. Yeah. It's a cesspool of horses.
We took this dog out for a walk one time and the dog saw a horse and it was the most, it saluted the horse. I've never seen such a beautiful dog. They're natural enemies, the horses. You think so? Horses are terrified of dogs. I think this dog thought that it was a giant dog and was like, oh my God.
Is he wrong? Right in. Is he wrong? Is the dog wrong?
She was very old, and I like to think it was one of the last wonders she saw in her life. Yeah. It's a giant. Imagine you're walking around and you just see a huge person who's just like, rrr.
Oh, me for real. You'd be like, oh my God, dude, that's fucking me, dude. I lock my knees like that all the time.
No, you don't, dog. It's not something you do.
You don't even look like that, bro. You look totally, it's crazy you think you look like this. It's like when your friend sees a really buff guy and they're like, we look the same.
Oh my God. We got us confused everywhere we go.
No, they're not. Dogs are so dumb. That's why they can't drive. No, yeah, that's why.
We want to read one more answer on the call. I'd like to point something out to you.
The people at the gun show are not bothering you or provoking you in any way. You are the only one considering violence and you are hoping, actually hoping, to get someone else killed. I think you are more of a threat to society than any gun owner I've ever met. I'm shaking my head. This is like the principled Percy being like, hmm, have you considered that maybe you are the violent one? It is you with your band guns sign bringing the chaos to the gun show.
This is so dumb. How accurate do you think this sniper's going to be? You're going to trust your wife today. Bring a roadhog in there.
This is just like the movie Losers. Have you seen the movie The Losers?
I have not. Well, this happens in it. A lot of people are saying the word Overwatch, which I think both you and I both like a lot.
Oh, someone says this has to be yet another Jay question. So who is this troll, Jay, who we've encountered twice now? Oh, it's the same guy? I don't know, man.
He's trying to single-handedly take down gun culture from the inside on the world.com. I know, he hates guns. And he's breaking no laws.
Who is Jay? Who are you, Jay? Who are you?
How did you get in the America's Gun Club subfloor?
We should get Jay on the podcast. No one knows what he looks like. That's true. He could be anyway. He'd come on. He's the voice changer and the mask on. A delocated style appearance for Jay.
We've got two more questions. I think we should find some more after these, right?
Let's just keep rapping, baby. Okay, well, this is core romance. Slam it. Oh, baby. The romance is a little loud, but here at core romance, it's a place for intimate.
Beautiful. Love and questions about sexy Quaras. Sexy Quaras.
Okay. I thought about putting that Pokemon question here, but I thought that would kind of lead our hand. This question is, should there be a special bedroom set aside in prisons for two inmates who want to demonstrate their love for each other? The answer is yes. Yes, there should be. There should be.
I think I've talked. Have I complained about this on the podcast before?
There's a no jacking off rule at prison.
You did.
I think I just am. I feel fear that one day I will be in prison and I'm like, I got to be able to jack off in there. Oh, I'm going to do it. There's no way I'm not doing it.
I'll probably go back to mattress humping. Mattress humping, the tool mostly used by 12 year olds when they're being real sneaky when they're watching Futurama or inmates.
Do you think it would upset you to have to poop on those open toilets? Yeah, it probably would upset. I think the whole thing would probably upset going to prison. So the question is, should there be a special bedroom?
Sorry. I got distracted.
So in prison, it's normal that you get to have, what are they called? Intimate visits or what? Yeah, that is true. Tropical visits. That is true. And then you get to have like your partner visits and you get to have. You do get to have sex with them. Visiting sex, which has got me some freaky stuff, but.
Do they not get in there? They must have their own room for that. It's not just like on the ground. No, it's not in holding or whatever. So it sounds like they do. Well, no, this is for two inmates. Right.
So these are, this is for if love strikes on. If you find love in a hopeless place.
You know hell in a cell. This is heaven in a cell.
And that's the concept of it. And everyone wears like thin, wet shirts.
If you kind of say prison, like heaven, it can kind of rhyme. You can say you've heard of hell in a cell. This is heaven in a prison. Heaven in a prison. And I suppose that's my answer is it would be heaven in the prison. I think you should be allowed to have it. Prisons are cruel. I mean, you know, if we can't have, you know, prison abolition or whatever.
Just give them a bed to fuck. Yeah. Like a nice one too. Like with good sheets that people change.
People are so insane about prison. Like I feel like a lot of people just feel that all criminals should be tortured.
Yes. So I'm assuming a lot of these answers is going to be like, no, in fact, they should have their penises lopped off. Yeah. Because I feel like that's like a classic thing, right? Yeah.
I remember as a kid, I don't know why I distinctly remember like in like fourth grade, our teacher talking about prison and talking about like, is the death penalty, should there be a death penalty? I don't know why we're learning this in fourth grade. And one of the kids in my class was like, no, there should not be a death penalty because like, if you kill someone, you should be tortured like forever.
There is no release for my world to paint.
And I do think that most Americans agree with that. Oh, yeah. Most Americans are just like, you should be tortured forever. I do think part of it is that children are taught about hell like first thing. And they're like, knowing this is what God does, what would you do?
If someone broke one of your special rules. But yeah, no, everybody's going to come down on this in their wide brimmed hat. Absolutely not.
Inmates are wards of the state and as such have no right to grant consent for any intimate contract contact between themselves or anyone else. It's part of the rights and privileges. If you go to prison, you're legally 17.
What? That's insane. You're legally 17. What an insane opinion to have. And your parents can destroy your PlayStation five. Getting caught in any sort of sexual activity while incarcerated gets you a major disciplinary violation. That's probably true. But this guy's a former CEO, it says. It says that apparently you get designated as a sex offender. That's fucking crazy. You're already in jail. That's crazy. What is the worst thing that could happen to you? Yeah, assuming you're in there for life. Yeah. That's wild, dude. And I'm assuming I'm in there for life.
You should be allowed to have sex. Horrific schemes. Assuming you're both consenting.
You should not be allowed to have sex with the prison officers, though. And that happens a lot, apparently. Yeah, you should not be allowed. You can't romance a prison guard. No. They should not be romancable.
And this is why they have to come down so hard on it, is there's love is popping off left and right over there. People love love. People love love, Jeremy. And that's what this whole question is about. People love love.
Do we have any other good answers on this one? Yeah, this guy, Donald Kirk, says, sure, and a breakfast and bed service, too, with an added foot massage. This is not the first time we've come across Donald Kirk. Is this the guy? This is not the first time we've come across Donald Kirk.
Is this the guy with the band? He has a band in England, and they rock the pub.
Are we running out of Quora users? What is happening? This is Donald Kirk, too. This could be his twin flame. This could be one of our listeners. It's from July 16th. Okay. This is our episode. Donald Kirk, if that's you, start jamming. We are running out of fucking Quora users. Also, it's not loading his profile for some reason.
There's a firewall. There's a hot firewall over Donald Kirk. We're getting too close to the truth.
Here's a great answer. Tammy Ann Levine says, I understand what you are asking. I am not able to give you an answer. Oh, no! They go on to say, why you ask yourself? I do like answering questions. People would like my answer. They ask me. Your question is not up to me to answer this question.
This is like a riddle. What the fuck? What is this?
The two inmates who would like a special bedroom have to ask that question to the director if I have the right person that is in charge of the prison. Asking this question to me will not help you with what you want. The two inmates must think before asking, is the crime I am in for? How will I be looked at for asking for the special bedroom?
Will you stay calm if the answer you get you are not happy with? Will you two just walk away and not yell at the person you ask? Sorry for not giving you the straight answer. Tell me if you are not happy with what I said. Tammy, I am not happy with what you said.
Tammy, that was not okay. Tammy, it's Quora. You can only ask questions. I will say this woman, Tammy, was requested to answer this. Yeah, somebody tagged her in. Somebody was like, Tammy, let him have it. Tammy Ann Levine. Tammy, let him have it. This might be a Quora character or something. So this guy, Rick Wright, whose job is in relationship with my sister, is requested that. That's a good job if you had to answer. Is his sister, Tammy?
Dude, I don't know what's going on. Does Tammy just keep her husband's name but she's in a relationship with Rick? I'm really confused. I don't know.
Is Tammy still around? How do you get paid to be in a relationship with your sister, like a sugar mama? I'm going to follow Tammy. Because Tammy seems really interesting to me.
She doesn't seem to speak English very well, which is not on her, but I don't know. She is answering Quoras. She's answering Quoras.
I am a mom and I have two sons, ages 23 and 19. Before I became a stay-at-home mom, I worked in two group homes. I worked with mentally disabled people. I was also a job coach, just two with the same kind of people.
I do know about dogs and lizards. Thank you. I would do my best to help you out. So that's nice. So the podcast, bigsofttitty.png, hosted by Tom Walker.
My understanding is that they have found a weird old lady on Quora. Because people keep telling me, you've got to have them on until, talk about this weird old lady on Quora who they discuss all the time. But I believe she died. So this can't be her. This can't be her. Because I keep thinking, I wonder if this is their weird old lady. She should be inside the machine. She seems to still be around.
Yeah, Tammy is around and she will help you. She knows about dogs and lizards. Should I read some more? Okay, let's see. All her job advice, you've got to get lizards in there. You've got to work with lizards professionally.
People keep requesting answers from her. So I just wonder if she's a known quantity. Maybe these are the people she works with. So she's just a whole group home on Quora. She's like, I will not answer you in person. If you want an answer from me, you must go through the proper channels. That is Quora.com. It was phrased like someone who is in charge of a lot of children.
This question is, what is the best relationship in this world? And she says, any relationship can be the best. I do not know what relationships are the best. One thing that helps a marriage to be the best is talking to each other.
When there's a problem or just sit down and talk. This is my answer. If you did not like my answer, let me know. If I understood your question wrong, let me know. Yeah! I like that she gives a little thing at the end where she's just like, I am sorry. Which is like how I feel too. If this is not the answer that you wanted, I am sorry. Yeah, that should be at the end of every post if we're all being respectful to each other. Here's a question she answered on August 9th.
Can AIDS be a good motivator to get married to my beloved? She says, someone having AIDS. The word motivator is very flexible in this sentence. She says, someone having AIDS, it should not be a motivator to marry your beloved.
Marriage is based on how you get along, love, respect, and take care of each other when you get married. Yeah! That is my answer to you. Now you decide what you want to do. Do you and your partner go to the doctor together? This helps understand how everything is going with you, or if it is your partner with AIDS. If you are not happy with my answer, let me know.
That's such a good sign off. It's so good. That's so good.
And she's just being so upfront about not letting people have AIDS on purpose. Here's one more for her. Yeah, a lot of the children in my group home are from the movie Kids, and this comes up all the time. One more tabby answer.
Question, is it possible that other species with whom we share the planet perceive reality different than we do? She says, it does not matter who we share the planet with. Everyone has their own way of looking at something. It can be anything. Life is interesting, and you learn from all types of people. That is how I like to learn sometimes, just how a person looks at something, and I see it in a different way.
Wait, so she didn't do the thing about not understanding the question then? No, but she wasn't. That one she's got. She wasn't requested to answer that one.
Okay. Well, thank you, tabby. I've had enough, tabby. I've folded the bursting.
What was the question again? What was the question? Should there be a special room in jail for people to fuck? And the answer is yes.
People are mad. This guy says, this guy, bored guy on a couch, dot dot dot dot dot dot dot, and his cat. In his cat. He says, this is a very dumb question.
No, that's a resounding no. It's prison, not a dating center. What is this, a dating center? I don't know, man. I think people should be able to have sex. I think instead of prisons, we should have dating centers. That would be cool. Where you have to swipe right. Nothing is a dating center.
That doesn't exist. And it doesn't even exist with the sick world we live in.
Jeremy and I are both married. Dude, I did a crime. I did a dating crime the other day, and they walked me up and sent me to dating center. Yeah, I told the guy I didn't like the office, and they had to put me away. Yeah, he did the gym-faced. I tried to split the bill with my date, and now they got me in for 20 years.
Oh, my God, dude. Frickin' men, am I right? Men that you gotta pay that bill. Or not. I don't know. I'm married. We've got one more question here. Good. It's so horny, Alex. Oh, okay. So you've really talked this one up to me. Yeah.
We gotta get a smoking sound. This is just talking out loud, but we need a smoking sound, because people are always chiefing it on here. This is going to get extremely horny, so if you don't want to listen to that, thanks for listening.
Walk away.
There's the door. This was emailed to me. It's the back button on your browser.
The question is, how would you deal with a wife who is always smoking weed? Okay. My wife is always smoking weed. We're too married wed, and both of our wives are always smoking weed.
And I'm always just like, I get the TV now. And that's my move, usually. It's like, you're knitting or whatever. What about you, Jeremy? What's your move when your wife is always smoking weed?
I just get annoyed that you can't remember the movies we watched together. We watched that. We can't do it again. I remember it. My new trick now is we just are both on letterboxed, and what I do is, any time I'm like, remember this movie, and she's like, I don't think I watched that, I pull up the five star review she gave it.
That's devastating. From like six months ago. That's devastating. And she's like, fuck.
Anyway, this guy has a very similar answer to us. I'm going to read it. Again, I'm sorry.
This is from Ocheesi Creek, who is the former director of business development at a Fortune 500 company. Well, that's very exclusive. I can look at his face if I want to. Oh, it's actually the CEO of Citigroup. It's like an older guy with a white beard, and he is holding a fish, which actually kind of owns.
Now, imagine if his wife smoked weed. I wonder what that would be like. Here's just a little taste.
13 hours ago, he answered this question. Is masturbation twice a week harmful or okay? He said, I guess that's okay, but my question is, what the fuck do you do the other five days?
Ocheesi Creek. You're going to lose all your seed. Okay. Your essence.
He says, this is the question again. How would you deal with a wife who is always smoking weed? And he says, that's an easy one.
I'll dress up as an undercover cop and pretend to bust her up against the wall, bitch. Spread them. Time to practice my frisking activity. Oh, yeah. Shit. She's not wearing any panties. I got to take a picture of this.
Cell phone clicks off of you. Stop it.
This has accelerated so quickly.
We're two sentences in. This is said to be an email, dude. Corvo is like, you've got to read this.
And between doing your taxes, it's just like, what would you do? This is what this guy would do. This is how he'd have sex with his wife if she was high. Also, your wife would be like, what?
Where did you get that whole officer's uniform? Oh, no. He's got his night stick out. I'm going to keep reading it. He says, read her her Miranda rights and break out the handcuffs.
You have a right to have panties. If you choose not to have panties, uh-oh.
She's pretending to be scared and offers up, but officer, I can't go to jail. Is there anything I can do to get you to let me go? I'll do anything. That's exactly what he wanted you to say.
Then I confiscate all her weed and have my way with her for the rest of the weekend. Oh, it's on a weekend. It's for multiple days. When I pretend to let her go and leave, she's relieved. So I drive away, stop at the corner tavern, have a cold one, then go home.
Honey, I'm home and I brought you a new bag of weed. Now she's happy to see me and happy to have a big fat bag of new weed. She puts the handcuffs on herself this time.
The end. That's one of the best answers we have read at this entire show. That is a whole three-act play in there.
This is the hoardiest man I've ever worked with. Top comment, dude, what the hell? Third comment, weird guy.
But is he wrong? Is he wrong?
And then he responded to the guy who said weird guy and said he who couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a wallet stuffed full of $100 bills and could figure out how to frisk or handcuff a woman even then she's giving verbal directions. Here's how you frisk and handcuff me. May I write this down?
He's so fucking horny, dude. All of his answers, like he answered a question today, that is, what is the best spot to kiss on a vagina? Jeremy, that's gross. He's a fucking psycho.
Why won't my dog stop sucking its dick? See, it's not even inherently sexual, but... You did answer that question. Why won't my dog stop sucking its dick? Do you want to read that one? He says, dogs don't suck dicks. They lick it. There's a difference. I once had a girlfriend who told me she weren't how to lick a dick by watching her dog.
She was fucking awesome. Sorry, he doesn't say fucking... He says effing awesome. He's like, I don't want to curse.
The fact that you dragged a second person into this is unacceptable, which is the Greek. You are the bad one. You're the nasty one.
I really like that his answer involves stealing the weed from his girlfriend and then... And giving her more weed. And then giving it back to her as if he got it. My favorite part is when he gets a cold one after a whole weekend of sex.
You think it's like with the boys? I hope it's not alone. I want to look at this quick.
I'm done for the day. I'm done for the day now. I'm going to do it.
No, it's just two girls naked and hugging. Weird.
I'm done. I'm done for the day. All right, let's ask a quora because Alex is done. I'm going home.
What's a quora? What's the...
I'm clocking out. How do you deal with a wife who's always smoking weed?
Okay, can we... All right, what's the question that we have?
What do you do with a dog who's always smoking weed? What do you do with a dog who is always smoking weed?
Type that up. Thanks for listening to the show. If you want to get more episodes, we have a Patreon, patreon.com slash Quorators. We put all the episodes up there. You can sign up for free and we'll put little updates up.
Until next time, we're going to answer this dog question and I'm very excited about it. If you want to answer it, please put scrambled eggs in your answer so we know it's you. And that's it, folks. Question everything.
And if you didn't like any of our answers, we are sorry. And we're sorry. We're sorry. All right, bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_love_ahs_with_clarissa_and_dave_snl | Maybe tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake. Alright, that sounds fun. excuse me, is there room for two more lovers in the hotel? Uh, no way. this can't be happening.
Sure, sure. there's plenty of room for them. thank you. wonderful. here, do you need a hand? Yeah. thank you. Yeah, come, Roger. come, Roger. the warm water soothed my tired haunches. Nice.
Hello. we are professors Roger and Virginia Klarman. Hi, I'm Clarissa, and this is my boyfriend, Dave. come on, honey, why don't we just go back to the room? We just got in. Virginia, regardless, Is that not the Dave that we encountered our last name? So it is! Dave!
Why don't we just go to the room, I think? nonsense. there is no greater Aphrodisiac than the hot tub. Yes. it's hot tub, not hot tub. You say hot tub, I say hot tub, No matter.
Dave, I must assure you that beneath the surface of these waters, a virtual ant farm of activity is taking place. fires grazing, leg hairs combing me, hands eagerly following familiar paths to playfully grope at secret cul-de-sacs. to lovers old and new, quick, let's form a human chain. No, no, no, no. please. Easy there, Roger. this is so fun. you Must join us on a hike to Lake Chamberlain. Oh, we'd love that.
Oh, Lava, we must join them. what's gotten into you? Oh, maybe it's being here in this hot tub. Okay, okay, okay. whose hand is on my cul-de-sac right now? What? what?
Yes. Chuck Villalobos, you have outdone yourself. Carissa, you must really indulge. Enlobe! honey, it's delicious. dried is intoxicating. Yeah, they pulled this crap the last time I was in there. wine from my boater. No thank you. wonderful! wonderful! that's delicious.
Virg, do you remember the first time we ate Capons? Let me guess, you were back at the. Let me guess, you were back at the university, traveling through Spain, right, when you met your friend Ted Johnson or something. when you happened to. thank you very much. we happened to a small tavern. you sucked the grease off each other's fingers and had a gross three-way all night long. Oh, silly. they were on sale at the Amp, and I said, Virg, let's try those tiny chickens. Then we had a three-way all night long with Amp night manager Marcus De la Vega.
All right, that's it. All right.
I'm going back to the room. good night. Oh, seek to yourself. forget it. I'll be shortly there to caress you with hands pruney with chicken grease and glory. Gross.
Oh, Roger, Virginia, you have helped me see what love is all about. I will shout it to the night sky, to the mountaintops, and across the roads to the O'connell Lodge.
I am a lover. I am. she slipped and fell. Yes, sweet Lover. I have a splendid idea. Yes. let's make love next to her unconscious body. I can think of no greater achievement. Yes. Oh, Lover. Oh, lover.
Ow. my back. What? my back. Lover, is it your back? No, you dumbass. how could that possibly be my voice? Now get the hell off me. |
SaturdayNightLive | backstage_mark_wahlberg_confronts_andy_samberg_snl | Ha! Hey, Andy. Oh, Mark Wahlberg. Hi. how are you? Oh, not so good, Andy.
I mean, I saw the last show. you did? Yes, I did, and I got to tell you, I'm very upset about this imitation you did with the animals. I mean, what is that? Yeah, it was just a stupid thing we did. it was stupid. Well, I got to be honest with you, buddy. I've been thinking about breaking that big, beautiful nose of yours. Sure. sure, it's big and beautiful. Well, you know what?
I decided not to, being the church-going guy that I am. But, I mean, it's nothing like me. what was that?
I, you know, I agree with you, And the thing that I'd like to say. hey. how you doing? hey, Amy Poehler. how's it going? pretty good. you're pregnant? what's that all about, huh? I don't know. Well, it's nice to see you. say hi to your mother for me. So, Andy, where were we? uh, you were saying my impression was way off? yeah, I mean, look, I don't get it. it was very inaccurate, you know? Again, yep. hey, Mark. hey, Josh. come on. how you doing? I'm good. I'm good. you're in the Goonies movie, right? What? I produce Entourage. say hi to your mother for me, Okay? okay. and your stepmother. look, Mark, I didn't mean any offense, man. you know, I'm a fan of your movies, and I. hold on a second. hey. hey, Dougie. what's up, Mark? how's it going? you live in a barn, right? I'm in Max Payne. have you seen that movie? Okay, Donkey. say hi to your mother for me. So, look, Andy, I'm actually, I'm glad we had this talk. I feel better now. good. you know, me too. say hi to your mother for me. you know what?
I'm not gonna go there. give me a hug. come on. we're gonna hug it out, bitch. All right. God bless you. God bless you. not ever again, Okay? Okay. okay. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_s_abortion_ban_claims_o_j_simpson_dies_at_76_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the Arizona Supreme Court has reinstated a law from 1864 banning doctors from performing abortions. Now, reinstating laws from 1864 isn't the worst thing for me because I'm a white landowner. and a proud freemason. But it's probably not great to adopt health care rules from a time where the only two things doctors prescribed were prayer and cocaine.
Saturday and Sunday. back then, if you didn't want to keep your baby, your only option was to give it to Rumpelstiltskin. President Biden criticized the abortion law, calling it cruel, which is the same thing Biden said when he voted against it in 1864. this week, Donald Trump said that he supports abortion laws being decided by the states instead of the federal government. But why stop there? why not go even smaller and leave it up to the counties or the city? Or even better, take the government out of it completely and leave the choice about what women can do with their bodies to the person who knows what they can do with them. The best, their husbands. In a video on Truth Social, Donald Trump falsely said that Democrats support abortion up to the ninth month and beyond, saying the baby is executed after birth. but he only thinks that happens because when Trump was a baby, a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him.
O.j. Simpson died this week at the age of 76 after a battle with prostate cancer that was planted on him by the Lapd. there was actually an error in the L.a. Times obituary for O.j.
Simpson in the section about his prison time. instead of writing, O.j. walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center, they wrote, Trump walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center, a free man for the first time in nine years. And it's not a great sign for Trump that even autocorrect thinks he belongs in jail.
President Biden met with Japan's Prime Minister where they discussed building a new bullet train system in America using advanced Japanese technology. In return, Japan requested the Advanced American Technology of Forks. a new report from the White House claims that President Biden's billions of dollars of student loan relief will disproportionately help Latinos, which has earned Biden the nickname el Papa de Suga. yesterday, Mike Johnson, whose position as House Speaker is in jeopardy, traveled to Mar-a-lago for a meeting with Donald Trump, and boy is his jaw tigers. that eventually got a flaw.
Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here being told a black woman made a country album, has come out in favor of a bill that would potentially ban Tiktok in the U.s. Of course, for Mcconnell, Tiktok is just what the Grim Reaper says while tapping his watch.
I'm Colin Jost. the Arizona Supreme Court has reinstated a law from 1864 banning doctors from performing abortions. Now, reinstating laws from 1864 isn't the worst thing for me because I'm a white landowner. and a proud freemason. but it's probably not great to adopt health care rules from a time where the only two things doctors prescribed were prayer and cocaine. Saturday and Sunday. back then, if you didn't want to keep your baby, your only option was to give it to Rumpelstiltskin. President Biden criticized the abortion law, calling it cruel, which is the same thing Biden said when he voted against it in 1864. this week, Donald Trump said that he supports abortion laws being decided by the states instead of the Federal government. But why stop there? why not go even smaller and leave it up to the counties or the city? Or even better, take the government out of it completely and leave the choice about what women can do with their bodies to the person who knows what they can do with them.
The best. their husbands.
In a video on Truth Social, Donald Trump falsely said that Democrats support abortion up to the ninth month and beyond, saying the baby is executed after birth. But he only thinks that happens because when Trump was a baby, a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him.
O.j. Simpson died this week at the age of 76 after a battle with prostate cancer that was planted on him by the Lapd. there was actually an error in the La Times obituary for O.j. Simpson in the section about his prison time. instead of writing, O.j. walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center, they wrote, Trump walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center, a free man for the first time in nine years. And it's not a great sign for Trump that even autocorrect thinks he belongs in jail. President Biden met with Japan's Prime minister where they discussed building a new bullet train system in America using advanced Japanese technology. in return, Japan requested the advanced American technology of Forks. a new report from the White House claims that President Biden's billions of dollars of student loan relief will disproportionately help Latinos, which has earned Biden the nickname el Papa de Suga. Yesterday, Mike Johnson, whose position as House Speaker is in jeopardy, traveled to Mar-a-lago for a meeting with Donald Trump, and boy, is his jaw a-tired. is that eventually got a flaw?
Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here being told a black woman made a country album, has come out in favor of a bill that would potentially ban Tiktok in the U.s. Of course, for Mcconnell, Tiktok is just what the Grim Reaper says while tapping his watch. |
cracked | the_office_fan_theory_that_will_make_you_fear_jim | The American office is your typical workplace sitcom full of wacky characters harmless hijinks will they won't they romantic drama and of course a Brutal serial killer.
Oh you didn't remember that despite being a fun comedy about paper salesman The office actually had a running gag about a local serial killer known as a Scranton Strangler in season 6 Andy holds up a newspaper With the headline Scranton Strangler strikes again one episode showed the gang watch the Stranglers arrest on TV and human resource drone Toby even became a juror on the trial later confessing that he feared he helped sentence an innocent man to death Could this mean the real Scranton Strangler is still at large and maybe even one of the cast members We know and love a lot of fans certainly think so it's not hard to see why considering that the show's producer promised Explosive twists in the final season adding that the killer would be unmasked and so even though revealing one of the characters was secretly a serial killer Seemed like an odd fit for a show built on unrequited crushes and awkward silences the internet went full miss Marple trying to figure out Who the hell it was let's look at the suspects the most obvious choice seemed to be Creed the office's resident sketchy old man most Damningly in one episode he runs away after mistaking a murder mystery game for a genuine investigation Another time Creed comes to work on Halloween wearing a blood spattered shirt despite not knowing it was Halloween That is really really good timing some internet conspiracy theorists believe it to be the needlessly creepy Gabe Toby himself and even Pam's ex-fiancee Roy Who has an own history of violence Dwight stresses the Strangler for Halloween so he's on the list But one BuzzFeed writer proposes the most shocking choice of all America's sweetheart Jim Halpert think about it Jim Halpert is an effortless liar who spent eight years torturing his office mate Dwight and Borderline stalking his office crush Pam even though he knew she had a fiance so we know he's not the most morally spotless guy But okay being a serial killer is a big leap from being a bully How about the fact that the Strangler only strikes when Jim is in Scranton and never when he's working in Stanford or out on The road promoting his new company could this floppy-haired amoral sociopath have been the terror of Scranton the whole time I?
Mean probably not the evidence is kind of flimsy, but it is the unwavering belief of this website that he definitely was Thank you Scranton Strangler.
I love you You just took one more person's breath away Hey everyone, thank you so much for watching whatever that video is we are unrelated to it But if you want to see an exclusive video about crack studios project We're not alone make sure you sign up for our shows on Amazon Prime, which you could do in a link below Watch it for exclusive content that you can't find anywhere else |
cracked | the_inevitable_future_of_parenting_reality_tv_shows_john_and_kate_plus_eight_parody | Meet Katie. Hiya. And Katie. Why, hello there.
Katie and Katie are best friends who love kids. Love kids. Best friends. We gave them a dream house and handed them adoption papers so they could raise their very own babies while our cameras roll.
But oops. Should have read those forms, Katie's, because you just took custody of a bit more than you can handle. What happens when you put two women in one house with 80 adopted babies? Find out this summer on Katie and Katie Plus 80. Katie?
I stepped on one. You stepped on one? Oh, it was his fault.
Eat the food. Eat it. Eat the food.
Come on. Just an hour. What the hell are you doing?
Katie Baby's in the trunk of a car.
You can't do it. I don't know what you just said. Like they'd be safe because they're all stuck in there like certain things. They wouldn't go rolling around. I know, I know. Are we supposed to transport 80 babies? How could we go anywhere? We can't. We cannot take them anywhere.
They are just here with us. And that's the way that is, okay? Always. Always with us.
Okay. Get him out of the car. But just wait. Just... Let's just give it a minute. Okay, yeah.
Oh my god, there's a baby on the roof. What? Katie, have you seen the little one? The little girl. She's got the red hair.
Whenever it is, I don't care. Okay, well, I'm almost positive.
We've lost like six babies so far. Minimum six. You're small.
I can't cry too, dammit. How can you stand the pooping? I don't know why we even signed on to do the show.
You know what I mean? I just love it. And coming 2012, Katie and Katie plus 71 in Europe. The Republic is safe. I'm so high. Hey, guys. You guys are all so, so sweet saying that you want to see me in every scratch. And I don't know. I guess I just have to say that I agree.
And it's up to you, the people, to put the pressure on. Keep the campaign going. Roll sounds. Move cameras. And... Action. |
ClickHole | so_sad_man_s_daughter_s_head_gets_smaller_every_time_he_lies_about_the_plot_of_breaking_bad | Oh wow, you still haven't seen Breaking Bad? Oh man, you gotta check it out.
About this former chemistry teacher who gets cancer and then starts selling cocaine to pay for his treatments.
Oh yeah, it is intense. Oh, and I almost forgot the other crazy part. His brother-in-law also happens to be the mayor. So there's always this tension of whether or not he's gonna get caught.
It's great. You know, the most interesting thing is that Walter, that's the main character's name, he actually turns out to be pretty good at making cocaine because of his chemistry teacher background. So he starts going by this alias, Newton. You know, like Sir Isaac Newton. It's great.
Oh, one of the most insane episodes is when Walter and his partner Jasper have to rob a train. You see, the train is transporting the Queen's jewels, so they need to steal the jewels so they can sell those to get new cocaine-making equipment because theirs got stolen by some rival drug dealers from Sweden.
It's insane. Oh, I love it. Oh, Beyonce's in an episode. I don't wanna give away any spoilers or anything, but let's just say that Walter's dad might be a secret drug kingpin himself, which could definitely cause some problems for him down the line, especially with his brother-in-law, you know, the mayor, breathing down his neck this whole time. Oh, man. Look, it's definitely worth a watch, okay? Give it a shot. |
TheOnion | Report_Saxophone_Still_An_Okay_Vehicle_For_Self_Expression | After the National Endowment for the Arts released a comprehensive report earlier today confirming that the saxophone is, quote, still an okay way to express yourself, NEA expert Richard Sloan spoke with The Onion about his study's findings.
Well, our study found that users experienced a 28% deeper emotional catharsis with the guitar or piano, but the fact is a saxophone is a perfectly suitable way to get your feelings out.
Basically, we want people to know that while there are certainly better options to communicate the depths of human emotion, if you've got something you want to get off your chest and you've got a saxophone laying around, you could do a lot worse.
The 83-page report included an in-depth analysis of the saxophone's ability to look fine and sound alright and went on to rank the instrument among a number of other outlets for conveying emotion.
The fact is, the saxophone is just as adequate as a keyboard, slam poetry, or watercolors, but still significantly less effective than photography, sculpting, or African dance.
Just as we've confirmed before, under no circumstances are acapella groups or tubas acceptable methods for communicating anything.
Keep checking TheOnion.com as this story develops. |
TheOnion | Does_Shaving_A_Hammer_Really_Make_It_Move_Faster_Through_The_Air | The hammer throw. These incredible athletes catapult a 16-pound metal ball distances of up to 280 feet. In this sport, every centimeter counts.
That's why throwers try to optimize their performance by shaving all the hair off their hammers before every competition. But does shaving a hammer actually make it more aerodynamic? To find out, we brought former Olympic hammer thrower Lucas Kohler into the Sportology Lab. First, Lucas showed us how the pros get a smooth, closed shave on their hammers. Instead of using expensive electric shavers, most hammer throwers opt for a simple four-blade razor. It's important to always shave with the grain in order to prevent cuts, razor bumps, and ingrown hairs. Even a tiny nick could give the hammer a bad rash. A little splash of aftershave also helps soothe and moisturize the hammer. Now let's see if that shave actually helps the hammer fly faster through the air. We're having Lucas throw hammers with varying lengths of hair, each outfitted with custom accelerometers. First up, a freshly shaved hammer. Because the hammer is completely bald, air is allowed to flow tightly over its surface with very little resistance.
Lucas' first throw reaches a distance of over 276 feet.
Let's compare that to a hammer with a bit of peach fuzz. Unlike the bald hammer, this hammer's stubble impedes airflow, causing it to decelerate in midair at a 7% higher rate. Its final distance is 3.1 inches shorter than the shaved hammer, which just goes to show that even a 5 o'clock shadow can mean the difference between gold and silver. Full hammer shaving didn't become a common practice until relatively recently, but the longer the hair, the slower the hammer's maximum velocity. When air flows over a hammer with long hair, it reacts differently depending on the hair texture. Hammers with thick and curly hair have a drag rate up to 60% greater than thin and straight hair. Even hammers with naturally frizzy hair are almost twice as aerodynamic once they are washed with shampoo and conditioner. Longer hair also creates a knuckling effect, altering the hammer's flight path in midair. This can be minimized by tying the hair in a bun or ponytail or by slicking it back with styling gel. When it comes to different methods of hair removal, every hammer thrower has their own personal preference. But whether a hammer is shaved, freshly waxed, or undergoes laser hair removal, it is equally aerodynamic. |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_catacomb | Count it! Ugh. Oh my god. What the hell, Phantom? You're awake! Good, good, I was so worried about you. My head hurts. Really? Weird. What happened?
What a beautiful pie. Count it! Ooh, that is a good pie.
Well, and I didn't know what else to do, so I brought you here to my category. Really? You couldn't just call an ambulance? And risk minority EMT showing up to care for you? I think not.
Now here, drink this. This goblet, all of it, please drink. Make sure you drink the whole goblet, and I'll give you the grand tour.
Now, when I moved in, this was still a crypt, which was okay because there's really good skull hunting in a first crypt. Look at this, Prometheus, my old dog. Is that a real dog's head? No, silly. It was a real dog's head.
Moving up, this I salvaged from the Titanic. Wow, I can't believe that painting survived. Painting? I'm talking about this little light bulb here. They had these on the end of all the stairwells. This is a print. I bought it at a poster store. Oh, wait. Fish Tank, that was $12.50 at Petco, and this here is an ancient Chinese chair that was $550,000 at a Southerby's auction. Wow.
Don't touch it. Touch the fish if you must touch something. How about I touch the fish? I touch them all the time.
God, is that not beautiful? Yeah, the technique is just...
It's perfect, isn't it? I love it. I can't find a single thing wrong with it. Me either. I mean, if I were to make a perfect ass, that's what it would look like. I can't find one flaw.
I stared at this for hours. Hours, right? I would walk through a mile of her shit just to see where it came from. You know what I mean? Same. Also, this frame is made out of people bone. Really? Nope. Now, this is an interesting piece here. This is a statue of me in repose, except it has Edwin Booth's face and body on it. Weird. And this is John Love's Booth's brother, right? It is.
You know Jay Dumps? I mean, no. The guy has such a bad rep, right? Just because he shot the president. I think that, you know, makes sense. Yeah, well, did you know this about Abraham Lincoln? He actually wanted to get rid of slaves.
Good morning. Oh, it's wet.
Next stop on the tour, the skull room. So follow me. See all my skulls.
Okay, alright. Not for everybody. Sorry about that.
Now, lift your gaze aloft and stare upon the part of my collection I love the most. Oh, wow. Those vases are beautiful. They are, aren't they? Yeah. And each one contains the remains of a burnt old wife of mine. There's a spot over there for you.
God, I'd rather my body be lost at sea. Yeah, well, I'll find it. I'll have a good adventure. Ahoy!
This is an important piece for the feminist movement. You can see it shows a woman in repose, her tiny bird brain struggling to read written words. Here is an undying sprig from the hemlock tree that killed Socrates.
And this I got for 15 bucks at the back of a TJ Maxx. Why are you more impressed by that? 15 bucks?
Yeah, but that is immortal. So am I. BFD, you know. Like, so what? It'd be like if you got freaked out every time some frumpy brunette came around.
This I pilfered from the Ottoman Empire. This I stole from Napoleon himself. That's from the Emperor of China.
And this is a painting of Nantucket I did. Watercolor.
Phantom, what the hell? My head is bleeding. You're not feeling woozy at all, huh? You drank the whole chalice. Every last drop and no wooziness. That's it. Take me to the hospital.
And I don't want to be in your catacombs anymore. But, Sarah, you were never in my catacomb.
What? If you don't believe me, the proof's right there. Go take a look for yourself. Where? Count it. Phantom, you could just ask me to come over and play chess. I've told you this. Yeah, well, also November rain. Blink. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | hardly_working_acceptance_letters_all_nighter | So that's when I realized I'd been using the word perturbron my entire life. That was a really graphic story.
Um, excuse me? Hi, is there Jeffrey Rubin here? Oh, I'm Jeff Rubin. Hello, my name is Montemis Flynn.
I'm from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and I'm here to inform you that you have been accepted. Oh my god, Jeff, you're a wizard? That's awesome! How have you not perturbed your pants by now? Great, thanks, Mortemis. I'll let you know.
What?
You just got accepted to a school of magic. What's better than that? Good morning, everybody. Is there a Jeff Rubin here? That's me. I'll get Rubin. Cool, so congrats you got in. Does anybody have a cigarette I could bomb real quick? Oh my god, you guys, I got in.
Tashoony Plattsburgh! No. So, it's only the 76th bed school in the New York State School system, and get this, there is a Taco Bell within driving distance. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, if I may, Hogwarts is the top wizarding school in the world. Yeah, but like, out of three, so it's not as impressive. What? This is not an option, Jeff! Sorry, no offense, but you go to Hogwarts! Whoops, I almost forgot.
This is your complimentary Plattsburgh lanyard. Don't lose that, because you have to return it in order to graduate. You're pretty strict about that. Oh my god, free lanyard! Yes, and as our gift to you, we'll give you this stone that makes you live forever! Is there a hole in the stone so I can put it on my new lanyard?
No, what? I'm good, thanks. Seriously?
You guys, SUNY Plattsburgh has the best gymnasium in the entire Plattsburgh area. That's not true. No, it's actually fourth. Well, at Hogwarts, there's a room that can be anything you want it to be, including a gymnasium. Plattsburgh has, like, six Ark trainers.
That's true.
Those things are pretty awesome. Two are broke right now. Right, probably because, like, the athletic team was using them so hard, they just got kind of worn out. No, that's not what happened at all. Our football team's like quadruple A. That's an actual league? Yeah.
Look, our gymnasium can have as many Ark trainers as you want. You can be an exact replica of the Plattsburgh gymnasium. It's a room of requirement. Whatever you require, it has.
How is your math department? We don't do math. We train magical beasts, and we fly, and we fight evil, and we save the world. Our math department's pretty chill. They let you bring in calculators for the test, which is pretty sweet. No way! That's incredible! Look, if you want, you can use magic to solve math problems in your free time.
Hey. Whoa. What? Hey. What? Come on. What?
That sounds like cheating, bro. Alright? At the Berg, do not tolerate cheating. Strong ethics. I like that. Hey, do your R.E.s. Took the other way when you're smoking some weed? Totally. I can't believe I'm having this conversation.
Nobody turns down Hogwarts. Nobody.
You just go. You get a magical letter from a magical owl, and you get on a magical train and have a magical life. That's what you do.
What kind of magic is there at SUNY Plattsburgh? Okay, so this one time, Guster played there. And I don't know if you've heard the song Fa Fa Live, but that's pretty much as close to magic as you can ever come. And next to real magic.
Yeah. Yes. I don't know more to miss. I really love Guster. So do I. That's not the point. Oh.
Also, our school has so many student orgs that it sort of feels like magic, you know? What's yours like? It's got wizards in real magic! The Tri-Wizard Tournament, Dumbledore's Army, Quidditch, where you fly around on broomsticks! Yeah, but like, will any of that stuff help me get a job?
You don't need a job! You don't need a fucking job! You're a wizard! You're gonna live a great fucking wizard life for the rest of your fucking life! It doesn't matter! You don't need a job!
Okay, you know what? That actually sounds pretty good. Oh, BT Dubs.
Uh, we have free Wi-Fi on campus. Ooh, uh, we do not have Wi-Fi.
Plattsburgh it is! Yeah, definitely. By the way, could I get Guster's contact info from you? I really want them to perform a show in our great dining hall where the roof is the sky for some reason. Sure, yeah, they only have pages though, so... Huh? |
dropout | the_person_at_your_party_who_never_leaves | Thank you so much for having us. Oh no, thank you so much for coming. Happy birthday. Thank you.
Get home safe. I opened another bottle of wine. Ooh, it's pretty late. You want me to call you a cab?
No, that's cool. I got Uber. Great. Ooh, it's not surge pricing. It's good. Oh, it stays that way. There's no beer left. Mm-hmm. Good thing I like triple sec. What's your address? 705 Birken Street. Sweet.
My friend Rachel's coming. She'll be here in 45 minutes.
Shit. I didn't realize what time it is. Yeah, it's real late.
I could take my birth control. The night is young, you know? Never know if I might need it. Why are all the bars near your clothes?
Me and Julia were talking, and Elissa was like hovering. It was like, oh my god, take a hint. Rachel's train broke down. She'll be here in an hour.
Settlers of Catan or Risk? Or we could just watch Return of the King director's cut.
Cool. So, um... Uh, yeah. So, um... Oh!
Did you want to do dinner this week? Uh, why don't we talk about it tomorrow?
Right, yeah. You know? Let's deal with it then.
Mm, I almost forgot to tell you, I might be going to Costa Rica.
Oh, fun. So fun.
Oh. Elissa's dad died. You could just drop a bomb on me like that when you're leaving? I'm just going out for a smoke. Oh. You know what? I can just do it out of your window. It's like, this is a private conversation, Elissa, and you're trespassing. Okay. Two truths and a lie. It's a break!
Brunch?
Rachel's here. If you liked that video, click here to subscribe, click here to see more videos, or just leave a comment below about how my producer didn't tell me not to wear green. For a green screen. I'm not mad. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Canberra_Sex_Scandal_The_US_Election_Local_News_More_November_13 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bullet and a bit pepped up to the Savo. We're already on the piss. My name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor-at-large.
How are you Errol? Good mate, always good, always good to be on the piss with you. Yeah mate, we're really right up on the Savo aren't we lads? Right up on them. How good!
I can't even see. Oh I'm fucking blind, how are you going Wendell?
Fucking sensational mate, I can't wait to get out of here and sink more piss. Oh that's the stuff, that's the stuff, what's first up in the news?
Well let's get into it with some news from the big fella and Scotty has interrupted women discussing endometriosis to explain that ibuprofen works quite well to treat the pain. Ah yes, the bloke in chief treated a couple of women to some handy advice this week. Apparently he was walking through Belconnen the morning after his minister, he was walking through Belconnen the morning after he cut his minister Anne Rushton off when she was trying to talk about sexism in politics and he overheard a couple of women talking about endometriosis. And he then interrupted the conversation, like he did to of course minister Anne Rushton the day before. He interrupted to explain that in his experience some anti-inflammatory pain meds with a nice warm wheat bag work really well to treat the condition.
Just like that and in another story from down there in Canberra, the members of parliament accused of drunken sleaziness probably not stoked with Barnaby Joyce rushing to defend them. Yeah the above scenario was a bit of overflow from what happened on Four Corners on Monday night with Attorney General Christian Porter, Alan Tudge MP and the rest of the liberals under fire after allegations of sexism, misogyny, chauvinism and workplace misconduct. And since this program went to air Barnaby Joyce has thrown his support behind the embattled MPs, something which they kinda confirmed they aren't really that keen on. I don't know Barnaby Joyce is a honest family man, albeit he's a bit of a pig. But you know I think these blokes, bloody Tudge and Porter, they should be thanked for any help they can get, rather than just writing poor misunderstood Barnaby into the dirt. Yeah interesting point Errol, there was a comment on that one from Judith Clarke who said they're good pollies and their own personal life is their own.
Leave them alone. What's up next Wendell?
Some news from the United States of America and Trump has had a win this week. He declared himself victorious in a round of golf after taking the lead on the fourth hole. That's right, the still current President of the United States has had a little win this week after spending the preceding days following the election on the golf course. The President refused to concede defeat after he took a narrow lead after the fourth hole and called time. Understandably he did not want to see a lead slip away again so he decided to just wrap things up halfway through the first nine.
And in some news from here in town, golf drivers correctly stereotyped as a danger to society. Yes a new report this week found that Volkswagen golf drivers have been dangers to society ever since the company's founding in Germany way back in 1933. Speeding, erratic overtaking, lack of indicating, you name it, these golf drivers will do it Clancy. Yeah just as your aunt always says on Christmas, stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. But we spoke to one local golf driver who denied the allegations saying he's always practiced safe speeding and he's only been booked three or so times.
Yeah there you go, what a defence. And there was a comment on this one from Deacon Gay which may or may not have a correlation to these findings. He said, I worked in a wealthy area, didn't know that the VW Golf came without P-plates for quite a while there. Good stuff. Well you learn something new every day don't you DG? Deacon Gay is a very wealthy area kind of name.
And in some sports news this week, Australians will now be able to watch Rugby Union without having a hole drilled through their house. Yes believe it or not Wendell, the hole being of course with Foxtel, the Murdoch owned news media network that has owned Rugby Union for the past few decades. Yeah but no longer as the Channel 9 and Stan Conglomerate have bought the rights to the game they supposedly play in heaven, it's some welcome news for long suffering rugby fans and players and I think there has since been suggestions now that some of the Povo Public School kids might even start watching Super Rugby and in turn the talent pool may grow beyond 3 or 4 private schools in Sydney. Dare to dream hey, anyway that'll probably do us for this week, let's go get back on the piss. Hell yeah brother.
Let's get anti-social. |
SaturdayNightLive | buckwheat_dead_and_america_mourns_snl | Buckwheat Dead, America, brought to you by mutual life because you could die tomorrow. Good evening. I'm Ted Koppel. surely, everyone knows by now that Buckwheat is dead. But for those of you who have not seen the videotape of Buckwheat being shot, let's take a look. Buckwheat was buried today and the entire world mourned. world leaders gathered to offer a final tribute. we now join millions of mourners around the world in observing a moment of silence. this moment of silence is brought to you by mutual life because you could die tomorrow.
Police have now identified Buckwheat's assailant. he is this man, 27-year-old John David Stutz, described by those who know him as a loner. We understand that Stutz is now being taken to criminal court for arraignment.
Let's go there. Live. it's good to see you. Hi.
I killed Buckwheat. that was perfect for the American public. when you dream, do you dream in color or black and white? Because I dream in black and white.
And last evening, I had a dream about lime and jello. I didn't know what flavor it was because it was gray. Then I tasted and I realized it was lime. it's definitely lime.
Mr. Stutz, did you kill Buckwheat? Sure. Do you realize that he's dead for me? I didn't care, sir. why'd you kill him, Mr. Stutz?
Well, I had to kill him. my dog told me it was the Antichrist. his name is Petey. he's a Dalmatian. Dalmatian? I named him after the gang fire. his name is Petey. in just a moment, John David Stutz will face arraignment on charges of murder.
Why did Stutz do it? We've asked noted criminal psychiatrist Dr. Erwin Fletcher for his expert opinion. welcome, Doctor. What makes a man like John David Stutz commit such a crime? publicity. In the deranged mind of the killer, he truly believes that if he killed someone famous, he'll become famous himself. And unfortunately, certain irresponsible members of the media are only too eager to turn these assassins into instant celebrities. Thank you, Doctor. let's take a look at the man who killed Buckwheat, John David Stutz. John David Stutz, the man behind the gun, brought to you by mutual life, because you could die tomorrow.
John David Stutz spent his childhood here in this modest home in Lima, Ohio. everyone who knew him called him a loner, a quiet young man. Stutz attended Sunday school at the Mercy Seat Baptist Church. he was a loner. and a quiet young man. he attended church, Sunday school.
I remember he was always very polite. Do you believe he killed Buckwheat? Oh, yes. definitely. that's all he talked about. John David Stutz graduated from Unionville High School. his classmates called him the loner. Stutz was a member of the Key Club, the Audio-visual Squad, and President of the Future Assassins Of America. It's no wonder that his classmates chose him most likely to kill Buckwheat. Sure. I remember Stutz. he was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid. Do you believe he killed Buckwheat? Oh, yes. definitely. that's all he talked about. I remember one day I says, Stutz, why are you working so hard? he says, because I'm saving up to buy a gun so I can kill Buckwheat. John was a quiet boy, a kind of a loner. but real polite. he always stood still when I hemmed his cuffs. Nice kid. Do you believe he killed Buckwheat? Oh, yes. definitely. that's all he ever talked about.
But just the other day, he comes in and he says, Saul, make me a new suit. I'm going to kill Buckwheat and I want to look good on television.
John David Stutz, the man behind the gun. brought to you by mutual life. because you could die tomorrow. We have just learned that John David Stutz has been arraigned and is being returned to his jail cell.
Let's go there right now, live. Oh, the parties are back. Hello. good to see everyone. Came back. Hello. it's good to see you all. Hello. There you have it.
John David Stutz, accused assassin of Buckwheat, has been shot right here before your eyes. the shooting of John David Stutz brought to you live by mutual life. because you could die tomorrow. For those of you who missed it, John David Stutz, accused killer of Buckwheat, has been shot live on this program.
Now, let's take another look. hey, everyone. came back. Hello. it's good to see you all. coming through. the shots come up. there they are. right there.
I've just been told that John David Stutz is dead. the death of John David Stutz has been brought to you live by mutual life because you could die tomorrow. Just like John David Stutz. John David Stutz lies dead. How did he die? let's take a look. there's the shots. And so, two famous men lie dead. Buckwheat and John David Stutz.
We'll be here tomorrow night and every night for as long as this senseless killing continues. This is Ted Koppel. good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | brian_fellow_s_sports_news_saturday_night_live | It's been a big week in sports here to provide us with his expert analysis on all the latest sports news. They're one of the straightest shooting columnists of the country. The man who tells it like it is Sports Reporter Brian Fellow. I'm Brian Fellow. Well, basketball fans around the world continue to be saddened by the retirement of the greatest player in history, Michael Jordan.
He may have accomplished things on the court, but Miss Jordan, you ain't fooling nobody. I've seen you in Those Hands commercials. trust me. Ed Jordan is a friend of Dorothy's Tomorrow afternoon at Denver Broncos will host the New York Jets in a battle for the Afc title. Well, after studying these two teams all season, I predict this game will be decided by three words: Key Sean and Johnson. Just look at what Key Sean did last week to the Jacksonville goo Cougars, The Cougars, and Miss Johnson. We're on to you too, Honey. I've seen the way you dance in the end zone. All Keyhole Johnson has definitely been to brunch. If you know what I'm saying, hold on Brian. you can't just arbitrarily accuse people of things like that. Oh, no you didn't No, you didn't I can't believe you just disrespecting me. Let me catch my breath for a minute.
And other football news: The Minnesota Vikings and Atlanta Falcons play for the Nfc Championship. Do you know how cold it is in Minnesota this time of the year? If I was on the Vikings, if I was on the Vikings as soon in the game was over, I would.
Okay, Brian, where exactly have you worked as a sports journalist, I know you didn't I can't believe you just disrespecting me like that. How you gonna disrespect? My father used to try to disrespect me like that. Hey, take it easy. take it easy. You don't even know me. Mr. Mr. Update: Brooklyn Version: Yeah, get those marbles out your mouth. If I was a maverick shawl, you wouldn't even be trying to disrespect me like that. But because of who I am, you think you could just disrespect me. you don't even know me.
Wait a second. I do know you Colin. I recognize you from the club. No, that's not me. Yes, you do you from the club Colin, I see you in the clubs with you and your big Italian friends Richie. No. |
dropout | losticil | My friends and I like to go out to dinner, but about two years ago things started to change. They were all watching this television show, lost, and I couldn't keep up. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and then my doctor told me I had lost discussion deficiency syndrome.
LDDS affects one in every eight adults, but now there's help. Introducing Lostasil. Lostasil works in three stages.
First, each episode of Lost is stamped onto your sensory system. Then theories about what the show is really about are planted into your subconscious. Finally, trivia is chemically stapled onto your cerebrum. I always wanted to watch Lost. Some guy in the office kept promising to bring in the DVDs, but he loaned him to some temp who quit, and now he doesn't even have them. Lostasil doesn't make me enjoy Lost anymore, but it gives me all the information I need to make an informed opinion. I think I'm going to read that Stephen King book that Juliet was into. It won't help. JJ Abrams is notorious for creating false leads. Remember the comic book in season one?
Lostasil is not for everyone. Side effects may include paranoia, hallucinations, missing out on heroes, and hearing this from time to time. John, you okay? Thanks to Lostasil, I don't feel lost anymore. Except for Desmond. What does he fucking say? Okay, can we wait for the commercial? Lostasil. It's not the answer, but really, will there ever be one? |
TheOnion | Witch_Who_Granted_Beyonce_Beauty_And_Fame_Takes_Singer_s_First_Born_Child | Beyonce fans around the world were thrilled when the multi-platinum singer gave birth to a healthy baby girl earlier this week. But that excitement quickly turned to shock when the witch who granted Beyonce her perfect singing voice 15 years ago appeared in a cloud of smoke and demanded the star's firstborn child. Gossip columnist Brian Spies is here with all the details. Hey Angelique. Hey Brian, I cannot believe this. Oh believe it Angelique, the old hag has Queen Bee's baby right now and apparently it is totally legit. How so? Well, when Beyonce was a young girl, she met a magical witch named Grisora in the woods while gathering berries and Grisora told Beyonce that she would make her sing with the unmatched beauty of a thousand nightingales in return for her firstborn child. But why didn't Beyonce mention it to anyone? Inside sources are saying that she thought the witch would actually forget about it over time. What?
But Grisora didn't obviously. No, she didn't.
When it comes to Beyonce, she's actually been keeping tabs on the singer as evidenced in this photo. Apparently she was even in the front row at the VMAs, very hard to get seats, when Beyonce revealed her baby bump. So obviously the second that baby came out into the world, Grisora was right there to snatch it out of Beyonce's arms saying, quote, I have come for what is mine. Give me the babe.
This is such a nightmare. I mean, how is Jay-Z responding to all of this? Oh, poor Jay-Z.
Well, he offered Grisora a room filled with gold if she would let them keep the baby. But from what I can tell Angelique, that nasty crone ain't given back that baby. Well, it doesn't sound like it. You know, Grisora made the statement to the press earlier today. Do not weep for Beyonce. It was she who made the deal and signed it in her own blood.
These starlets have got to stop making deals with magical creatures because it always gets them in trouble. I know, absolutely. I mean, we saw when the genie granted Jennifer Aniston eternal youth, but then the eternal youth turned out to mean that she'll never grow up by having a lasting relationship for children. Duh. Also, we saw it when Christina Ricci asked a wizard to make her skinny, but the catch was he could make her head as big as he wanted. That was so sad. It was awful.
You know what? Well, hopefully the story will be a wake-up call for all other aspiring celebrities. Yeah, I'm sure it will be. Thanks. You know what? Thank you so much for being with us, Brian. Anytime, Ang. All right. It's time to test your star knowledge. Which A-list Hollywood hunk did this entertainment reporter have sex with yesterday in a golf cart parked on the Warner Brothers lot? We'll let you know when we come back. |
cracked | michael_swaim_explains_mental_telepathy_futureproof | Hey everyone! Welcome to Future Proof, where I nerd out about classic sci-fi staples and their real-world counterparts. I'm your host, Michael Swain, the man with the surname that can no longer be acronymed.
I use them all up. Court order. So what's always intriguing me? Today, it's mind reading. Telepathy, the big brain enchilada, not the ones you can order at your more adventuresome taquerias. And I know what you're thinking. Literally. For we are psychically linked, and therefore sense every time either one of us masturbates.
Oh, you're gonna go now? That's gonna make focusing on the video tough, but do what you gotta do, I guess.
Whether you think ESP stands for extrasensory perception or extremely stupid people, it's got a pop culture and real-world history reaching back as far as history's been recorded. The idea of being able to share thoughts, read minds, or otherwise tap into another human being's brain fascinates us endlessly, on account of its pretty lonely being stuck inside a meat machine. Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud believed telepathy was an atrophied human ability based on their observations of animals and their own dreams. Which is how you used to do science, apparently. Buck Rogers, one of the earliest sci-fi serials ever put to radio, features an episode where the crew gets mind-controlled into mining ore for their alien overlords. From there, the psi was the limit. Psychic powers cover a broad spectrum of abilities, from Professor X projecting images into another's mind, to Aquaman talking to fish. Obviously one of those is clearly better than the other, because talking to fish rules. Fish thinks so much interesting stuff, guys, you have no idea.
In fact, the Marvel and DC universes are littered with telepaths, empaths, and other kinds of psychic, to balance out the fact that everyone else has super strength. Here's six of the dumbest psychics, just to prove my point. Gorilla Grodd, the girl with the x-ray mind. Dubilex, the mind bomber. Judge Shiko, and the Zonians, with no vocal cords. What they do have is the ability to communicate without speaking, just one of the fancy things you can do with a psychic brain. The Parapsychological Association, yes, that's a thing, recognizes two categories of psychic ability. Psi Kappa and Psi Gamma, or receptive and projective. Reading minds or seeing the future would be receptive, since they occur within the confines of the telepath's mind. Projective powers are more like the Jedi mind trick.
They make something happen. Not to mention, Obi-Wan sensing a disturbance in the Force is one of pop culture's most enshrined visions of telepathy generally. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I feel something terrible has happened. Sometimes, like a Vulcan mind meld or Dreamfast from the Dark Crystal series, physical contact is necessary to get the full effect. Probably the funniest example of this is from Kurt Vonnegut's book, Slapstick, in which a brother and sister team share powerful mental abilities, as long as they're snuffling around in each other's crotches and butts.
Oh, you finished masturbating? Thanks for the heads up, bud.
Everywhere from the Godzilla franchise to Pacific Rim to a whole bushel of Pokemon to fucking Gilligan's Island, our fiction is rife with psychics. What's really incredible is that the thoughts they pick up are almost always coherent sentences that move the plot forward, and not a random cacophony of snippets and looping songs.
I get knocked out! I get knocked down again! You are never gonna knock me down!
Oh, and in case you were wondering, Gilligan finds some magic seeds that make the islanders temporarily able to hear each other's thoughts. I forget how it ended. I think Gilligan did the scanner's thing to the skipper's head. Once you start thinking about it, you quickly realize that almost every science fiction thing ever made has a psychic component. Firefly, Farscape, Doctor Who, Babylon 5, Star Trek, The Outer Limits, Stargate, Atlantis, Alien Nation, The Twilight Zone, Sense8, and the Power Rangers all feature an episode or recurring character with fabulous mind powers. It speaks to our own fascination with the human brain, which remains one of the least understood and gushiest of organs. That must be why so many psychics get a little nosebleed when they push it too far. Trust me, if you want to know if your fortune teller, tarot reader, or ghost whisperer is the real deal, look for that telltale nosebleed.
Cause one, if you have to. Punches work good. As soon as you give us the money, dickwad! But what about in real life? Charlatans and parlor tricks aside, is there any hope for us lonely souls who want to get intimate with the mind of another? The good news is, yes!
The bad news is you have to be a rat and get brain surgery. Scientists from Duke University connected two rat brains with electrodes and separated them, one in North Carolina and one in Brazil. Nevertheless, when presented with a complex problem only one rat knew how to complete, the other rat was able to navigate the same problem a thousand miles away.
It's kind of like the scene in The Matrix where they download helicopter flying lessons. But if Neo had a giant electrode drilled through his skull, which, let's be honest, would have been a huge upgrade. Other forms of technologically induced mind control are starting to develop, too. Speaking of a giant electrode to the skull, neurologist Phil Kennedy thinks cell phones will soon be implanted under your head skin and respond to your thoughts. That's not an impossible claim, as there are already a number of video games controlled purely by thought, like the VR game Awakening by neurotech startup Neurobolt. I mean, even the fact that there can be such a thing as a neurotech startup that isn't just an empty warehouse is promising. Dr. Kennedy, who's really gung-ho on this stuff, also envisions mind-controlled exoskeletons, returning mobility to the paralyzed and otherwise disabled, and silent speech for those with locked-in syndrome. Obviously, if this were a movie, both of those things would result in an immediate nightmare scenario filled with rogue exosuits and some kind of psychic supervillain floating around silently speaking to his vast army of coma patients. But in the real world, these technologies could someday provide real benefits to people, not to mention let you send a text message to your friend just by thinking it.
Which is no creepier than Siri. Which is to say, medium creepy. Can't wait till they incorporate targeted advertising. Good old-fashioned organic ESP isn't completely out of the question either.
Now I'm talking, of course, about the orchestrated objective reduction theory, or ORC-OR, pioneered by physicist Roger Penrose and anesthetologist Stuart Hameroff in the 1990s. In a nutshell, the incredibly complex theory suggests that human consciousness occurs in the brain thanks to quantum waveforms tucked away in tiny structures called microtubules. This is really wild if you know about quantum stuff because traditionally quantum phenomena are observed primarily in extremely cold, static, and controlled environments. But it turns out your very own brain's microtubules hold quantum waveforms. And the thing about quantum waveforms, why a quantum computer would be so powerful, for instance, is that they can maintain superpositions, which means they can be in multiple places or be multiple things at once.
It's thought that this phenomena is key to photosynthesis in plants, by the way. When a photon hits a leaf, it has to map its way to the plant's reaction center before all of its energy runs out. And it does this in the simplest way possible. It cheats. The exciton, the particle formed when the photon hits the plant, tries every possible path through the plant at once, then collapses into the path that proved successful. It's kind of like a maze on a child's placemat if you just scribble the crayon all over indiscriminately.
The other crazy thing about having a brain full of quantum superpositions is that quantum particles often get entangled with one another, becoming connected despite any distance between them, like a couple of soon-to-be dead rats. This suggests that the experience we call consciousness, or even the feeling of free will, isn't housed entirely within the brain, but extends outside of it into the universe itself. It may not give you the ability to ferret out someone's deepest fear, but what happens in the brain doesn't stay in the brain, and that suggests the possibility of linkage or meaningful interaction.
So hey, try it at home. See if you can't pick up what your roommate's laying down, or force someone on the street to fall to their knees and just start screaming and screaming. I mean, that's what I'd do. Uh-oh, nosebleed. Gotta go. See you next time on Future Proof. |
dropout | Who_Gave_a_Stranger_an_Accidental_Uber_Ride_Dirty_Laundry_Clip | Who, after they were mistaken for an Uber, drove home a complete stranger? Which one of you polite motherfuckers couldn't tell someone that you were not their Uber driver?
I do think we're all exactly the kind of doormat to do this. We're all a bunch of spineless assholes. I would die before I set a single boundary. Here's the thing to ask.
Have we all driven rideshare at all in our lives? I signed up to be a Lyft driver because it was like a $1,000 sign up bonus. I completed my five rides and then I just never did it again.
Game in the system. My heart says Brennan for this one. I've lived in Los Angeles for a couple years. Prior to that I was a New Yorker, which takes a lot of years off of the ability to have been driving a car. Pretty good defense. Too good. I'm going Brennan.
Why is this not a doormat situation? What if it's being attracted to someone and being like, I don't know, I'll take you home? Like that. That's creepier. And that works if you're a lady. Hey, lady, get in my car. Oh yeah, I'm not your Uber, but I'll drive you wherever you want to go.
All right, final answers in. Amy, who do you think? I think it's Paul. Yeah, I'm not changing my answer. Trapp, who do you think? I'm going Brennan. Paul. Paul, who do you think? Brennan.
Whoa, that was a lightning round. Will the accidental Uber driver please take a sip of their drink?
It was me. Yeah, baby! I know! Oh, that makes me feel good.
I was on my way to a hookup that I had arranged online, and I knew the cross streets of where I was supposed to meet this person. And I'm driving around, and there's nobody there. I circle the block, I come back to it, there's someone standing there.
I'm like, is that him? And then he gives me like a, and I lower the window, and I was like, hey, sorry, I wasn't sure if it was you. And he was like, no problem, he gets in the car. Paul. Now, where in the car does he get into? In the backseat. Now, that's what I'm kind of saying, though. What was your reaction when he got in the backseat? Well, I didn't think it was that weird, because in the messages he had said like, I know somewhere we could go. So he gets in the car, I was like, so where should I go? He's like, I'll tell you, just drive up here, you're going to make a left up here.
Paul. And I start driving. Paul. The amount of landmines dodged, conversationally. I know. In the opening minutes. Can you imagine if I had right away said something so vulgar to this stranger? Yeah.
Grant cannot believe it.
You know why? Because there but for the grace of God, go I. This is- It gets worse. Oh, no, Paul.
So he's like telling me where to go, three or four minutes. I'm like, where are we going? He's like, Glendale. I was like, Glendale? So that's when it occurs to me, this isn't the guy.
But at that point, what do I do? You need the tip. Yeah. What do I do?
I know. I know, Graham. Thank you.
I couldn't just like pull over and be like, there's been a mistake, because then he'd be like, why did you let me in your car? Get out of my car. Why did you let me in your car? Get out of the five-inner shit.
And also by that time, he's likely missed his original Uber. Well, then he gets the call from the driver. Oh, no. No. So he thinks you're a creep who's just trying to fucking- He never knows. He gets this call, and he's like, what do you mean you're outside? And I'm like driving, and I'm like, oh, my God. And he's like, another driver already picked me up. Okay, that's weird. And then he's like, do they ever send two drivers? And I'm like, sometimes there's a glitch. Oh, my God.
And guess what? Your fear isn't, I'm going to miss my hookup. Now you're like, I'm going to get found out. Forget the hookup. No, but that hookup stopped on the corner of me. I'm like, where the fuck is this guy? Now we know what happened when you think you got the Uber. Next question. |
dropout | nicki_minaj_s_butt_goes_solo | As you know, Nicki Minaj and I have become a pop culture phenomenon, and I'm grateful for the success we've found together, but recently I've been receiving more and more screen time in our videos, and I realized, wait a second, I'm what people are tuning in to see. I am Beyonce, and the rest of her body is Destiny's child. And so, I've decided to leave the underside of Miss Minaj's lower torso to create on my own, without the burdens and compromises of our partnership.
Any questions? Will you ever work with Nicki again? I have great respect for the rest of Nicki, and down the road I'd consider another collaboration, shaking on her behalf or even possibly pooping her poops.
But right now it's time for me to spread my cheeks and fly. What can you tell us about your upcoming work? My new music video will be premiering soon. I brought a clip.
That's a marketable single, but honestly, I'm looking to expand my horizons artistically. One of my new album's deep cuts is a collaboration with Bjork, exploring the more experimental soundscape of classical electro-folk. The song is purposefully post-modern in its rejection of objective meaning. The writings of the philosopher Jacques Derrida have been influencing both my music and the novel I'm working on. A novel? So you're branching out past the music industry?
Exactly. I don't want to be pigeonholed.
I'm interested in literature, fashion, sculpture, film. I want to be an ass of many talents. A renaissance ass, just like James Franco. I've begun to dabble in slam poetry.
A frothing sea of tiger tears, bleed from broken lies.
And I'm excited to tell you about my new fashion line. Butt coats by butt embody the belief that butts should be free to express themselves, not imprisoned in slacks. I do want to stress that I am not just focused on myself. Since going solo, I've teamed up with other butts, Kim Kardashian's butt, Beyonce's butt, JLo's butt, Rihanna's butt, and Channing Tatum's butt, to form Butts for Burma, an organization dedicated to improving the civil liberties for the oppressed Burmese people.
And finally, I'd just like to silence the rumor mill and say yes.
I am in a relationship with someone I absolutely love, Mariah Carey's camel toe. You are my everything. |
dropout | your_facebook_is_false_with_rainn_wilson | Hi there, I'm Rainn Wilson and these are your inspirational Facebook quotes, Internet. I live for the nights I'll never remember, with the friends I'll never forget.
Virginia McClintock, University of Texas. False. Humans live to mate and procreate the species.
And what do we have here?
It's like nobody is watching, Aneta Seagrave, UC Santa Cruz.
False. Dancing should be done in a rhythmic, coordinated style regardless of audience. Don't judge the path I choose to take if you haven't walked the journey I had to make. Melissa Varnado, Florida State. False.
First-hand experience is not a prerequisite for criticism, okay? Indeed, objectivity is often helpful in unbiased feedback.
The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself. Ford Bowers, University of Illinois.
False. The most difficult thing in the world is neurological microsurgery of the brain. Nobody can take away your pain, so don't let anyone take away your happiness. Brittany Mullis, Fordham. False.
Science has recently developed several medications that can effectively block your opioid receptors, thereby blocking pain. And we have here, there is nothing to fear except fear itself.
David Kearns, Davidson College. |
TheOnion | Jay_Z_Fans_Brace_Themselves_For_Onslaught_Of_Horrible_Odes_To_Baby | Though the birth is still a few months away, a new government report says that the nation must be on high alert for an upcoming barrage of terrible Jay-Z rap ballads about fatherhood. Government officials are warning everyone to take precautions to minimize the damage caused by the onslaught of horrible rhymes Jay-Z is certain to put out once he becomes a father. Joining us now to discuss this further is Brian Scott. Brian, how bad could these songs possibly be? Well, the latest projections based on Jigga Man's career trajectory suggest that we're headed for disaster. He's already gone from ghetto anthems to Frank Sinatra-style ballads, which seem to indicate we could be looking at unprecedented levels of cheez-its. Well, many Americans are not taking the threat seriously, Brian, saying that they wouldn't believe that Jay-Z could go that soft. Right, Brooke. A lot of people just don't want to believe the possibility they might be caught listening to saccharine rhymes about the joys of fatherhood from the man who once put out bangers like money cash hoes. So there's no telling how many millions are going to be completely unprepared for a tsunami of cornball raps about how his life has changed the moment his child came into the world.
Exactly. From now on, we can expect cliched rhymes about trading liquor bottles for baby bottles, that sort of thing. And no room in the Maybach for a child seat. Yeah, right. A complete disaster.
The CIA intercepted a couple of early tracks that have actually leaked out. We won't play them now out of respect for our viewers, but take a look at some of these lyrics. This is from a song called Reflections.
I was born hood, now I'm fatherhood. Gonna give you what I didn't have, gonna work hard to be your dad.
And it goes on like that. That's even worse than I expected. Thanks Brian for that report. |
TheOnion | Army_Program_Pairs_Female_Soldiers_With_Male_Chaperones | This is the Onion News Network, a 24-hour non-stop news assault. The Department of Defense made an historic change to military policy today. For the first time ever, women will be allowed to serve in combat provided they are supervised by a male chaperone. The Onion News Network's John Harris fouled this story from Kandahar. Well, although about 20% of the U.S. soldiers are female, women have never been allowed to serve in ground combat units until today. This is the 21st century, and women supervised by men are equal to men in every way. The chaperone can be, well, any man, really, as long as he's there to provide a shoulder for the woman to cry on after she's mortared an enemy position or taken out an insurgent. And the female soldiers themselves are applauding the new program.
Roger's not a bad guy per se. I mean, he finally stopped calling me private sweetheart, so that's good. It's kind of like having a dog. Alicia's doing a super job. Lots of times, she really doesn't even need me here. Hey, Alicia, how about a brewski?
The military is currently seeking men for the chaperone project. No experience is necessary, and you will split the female soldier's salary with her. For these women in the military and their male chaperones, it's the end of a long march toward equality. You go, girls. From Kandahar, I'm John Harris. |
ClickHole | lifelong_new_yorkers_describe_how_the_city_has_changed | I've lived in New York City my whole life. Honestly, I barely recognize the city anymore. It used to have a lot more grit, you know? New York is always changing, and that's what I love about it. I miss the old New York.
In 1931, Mayor Walker saw an ad for the Empire State Building in a Sears Roebuck catalog and ordered it with Next Day Shipping. So they airdropped this thing right on 33rd Street, but there was a man standing right under it eating an ice cream cone. They dropped the whole building right on top of this guy. He lived for a few more years half stuck under the building, and us kids used to come around and give him ice cream. Nice guy.
Back in the 60s, a dinosaur skeleton at the Museum of Natural History still had some meat on it. I miss that meat. When I was a kid, the 9-11 Memorial wasn't nearly as nice as it is now. Gentrification has definitely changed the city. I remember when they tore down Bob Dylan to put up a Starbucks. Things used to be simpler before those big name stores came in. When I was a kid growing up in New York, you'd get your milk from the milk man and your hair from the hair man. I think rock and roll died a little bit when they shut down GCDGMGYGJGFGKFGBGs.
Oh, Blondie and television and talking heads. So many legendary bands started out there. It was basically a rite of passage to go there as a teenager and become a founding member of the Ramones. I was in the Ramones. Everyone was in the Ramones back then. It was a wild time.
Most of the great New York delis are gone now. My family always went to Groitsman's. Best deli in the world, no question. I remember the Power Rangers used to hold court in the big booth at Groitsman's. One time, the owner of the place brought his son into the deli.
And when he turned his back, one of the Power Rangers ate his son. The owner was so mad. He said, Power Rangers. Did you eat my son? Oh, that does it. You are kicked out of here for good. But they just kept coming back. Those guys were untouchable back then. That sure was a different time.
New York has changed so much, it's hard to believe it's the same city I grew up in, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. New York is always changing and no one knows what it will change into next. I predict it will be a basketball. New York will always be New York. |
CrackerMilk | when_our_timeline_went_wrong | Come in HQ, target in sight. Copy that, clear to engage. Stop! Hey, I'm you, six years from the future.
Whatever you do, don't take that shot. Don't take that shot! What? If you take that shot, everything goes to shit.
There's a war in Europe, pandemic, climate change, face masks. Do you know what an NFT is?
No, nobody does. Nobody does.
It's just a monkey. For once in your life, just listen. Do not take that shot. Fuck it, what do I know?
Hi, Patrons. Thank you very much for supporting us here in our endeavors at Cracker Mill. Very much appreciated, we really couldn't do without you. Please consider donating to our Patreon. All the funds go to Dad and his belts, and we really support that. And please, just for two dollars, you could donate. And you could help us. You got it. Hi, Patrons, thank you very much for supporting us here in our endeavors at Cracker Mill. Very much appreciated, we really couldn't do without you. Please consider donating to our Patreon. All the funds go to Dad and his belts, and we really support that. And please, just for $2 you could donate, and you could help us. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Why_Should_Indigenous_People_Get_Special_Treatment_Annual_Leave_Expert_Somehow_Pulling_Off_A_19_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Borden. We're thinning out here at the Batutah Advocate at the back end of I guess the school holiday break. Not many people in the office. A few of the staff have gone home for Orthodox Easter, of course we have a very ethnic news room so there's a lot of people celebrating Easter in their own way with the red eggs and all the lamb. So there's only two of us here today.
You've got myself and Effie Bateman. How are we Effie? I'm doing great. How are you Clancy? I'm going alright.
There's some big stories in the news cycle and yeah no, obviously hard core unbiased balanced journalism never sleeps. Kicking off with a political story and this one reads, Yes, a man who describes himself as having an ingrained sense of fairness has today explained to the Advocate that the whole voice to parliament thing has been weighing heavily upon him. Bardin Phillip Smithson from Batutah Heights says he can't see why in this day and age our government is deliberately trying to divide people. Because he said, quote, why should they have a special voice? As if parliament hasn't predominantly amplified and focused on the voices of blokes like him for a century. Yes, the man who rips tens of thousands of dollars worth of franken credits every year and negatively gears swathes of investment properties told us that having a government make special rules that only benefit a small group of people doesn't sit well with him. He says a government should be making society more fair and equal, not giving some special treatment and not giving some people special treatment.
Up next, an annual leave expert somehow pulling off a 19-day weekend from Easter to Anzac Day. Yeah, it's very impressive this one, speaking to us from a pool site in a nondescript Balinese villa, the expert in question told us you need to make your annual leave work harder for you. Local media relations advisor for the Batutah Council, Samantha Saunders, says she's currently enjoying a three-day-long weekend until after Anzac Day in a few more weeks of overtime. Kicking off with a brekkie mojito, Sam explained that it's all about getting in nice early with your leave bookings, as well as chasing up the extra weeks you're owed if you happen to do an hour or two of overtime at some point.
Good for some. Good for her. And up next, young parents rush to the bedroom for their weekly 8am Bluie route. Yes, local couple Jenny and Bryce Rookwood have carpe-DM'd once again this week, seizing on the free 30-minute window that the ABC program Bluie provides them with back-to-back episodes on Saturday mornings. Yes, while they met during the Saturday Nights Out phase over a couple of spicy mugs, their life now looks a bit different following a big wedding, some renos and three young kids. So with their offspring glued to the TV blaring the popular TV show, Jenny and Bryce have taken the opportunity to scoot straight into the bedroom and get down to business. Without the time to take their shirts off, I believe.
And some exciting beverage-related news now, and VX has celebrated its first successful month of ruining high school parties. Yes, it's a significant milestone for the new beer on the block. Named Extra Victoria Bitter, or VX for short, the new extra-strong lager comes with a whopping 6% punch, similar to the old Cooper's Reds or Tui's Platinum's. And released much fanfare, the new VX's have now celebrated a month of ruined high school parties from Petuta Ponds all the way down to Torquay and across to Waturoo.
The perfect throw-downs for when you want a throw-down. Yes indeed, things get a little bit blurry after a couple VX's, and luckily they only come in four-packs, unlike the old Tui's Platinum's that came in eight. Speaking of which, Ben Key in the comments said, fuck me there's a four-pack of throwies, more drinks than a regular six-pack, go and get an eight-pack of the Ted's Platinum's you fairies. Okay mate, settle down, we're drinking to enjoy the taste, it's not necessarily about getting as plastered as possible, but all the best to you Ben Key, and enjoy your Orthodoxy stuff. See you later. Hooroo! |
SaturdayNightLive | sonny_angel_snl | I'm having such a great night with you. Oh, thanks for having me. your place is so nice.
Oh, thanks. you probably see a lot of girls' apartments. uh, not really. You know, most of the girls I date live in houses.
Whoa, what is that? Oh, my lamp. that looks like bread. I know. it's funny, because it's a lamp.
No, your wall of what looks like 500 naked toy dolls. Oh, those are my Sunny Angels. And it's not 500. it's not even the full 650 that you can collect. And they're not naked. they're wearing tiny little hats. aren't they so cute? Uh, yeah. I think I've seen those on shy teenagers' phone cases. What are they? Sunny Angels. They're Huge. they're companions for lonely 25-year-old working women. that's so specific. don't interrupt. Look, it says it on the box.
Sunny Angels are little boyfriends. I'm obsessed with them. little boyfriends, huh? I guess I've got some competition. competition? of course not. that's ridiculous. Not with all of them. just with him. Hey, I'm her little boyfriend. Whoa, they can talk? that one, Ken. he's special. because I'm her little boyfriend.
I'm part of the Sunny Angels fruit series, and judging by the way you dress, you're a fruit too. Nice grapes. I almost didn't notice them over your extremely little penis and perfectly smooth belly body. ooh, someone's jealous.
I'm sorry. is this the music from Challengers? it is. The score is stressful, but horny too. Cool. I haven't seen the movie. Well, don't worry, because you're about to live it. This is great. I love that you're volleying back and forth. it's like a tennis match.
Here. you two, sit on the couch. just the two of us? I'm gonna go fix us a snack. I'll be right back.
Just tell me the truth. have you guys hooked up? Dude, I'm not answering that. it's not like I care. just tell me. I'm not talking about that with you, man. Okay, fine. then just give me a signal. if you've slept with her, do your little pose with your arms and look to the left, like this. Well, I don't kiss and tell, but. no! how did that even work?
How old are you? I'm 41, okay? so it's not weird.
Yes, it is. Finally, two boys who can actually compete. Okay, I'm back with churros. the most penis dessert. I sure hope it doesn't make you two act bi-curious.
Shoot. I forgot the chocolate sauce. Brb. hey, just so you know, she's not in love with you. What makes you think I want someone to be in love with me? hmm. give me some. it's nice to see you lit up about something, even if that something is my big girlfriend.
So what's been missing from your tennis? What tennis? I'm back. here. why don't I sit in between you boys?
Okay. I like this. me too. So, how does this work? First, you two kiss. um, okay. I don't feel so good. don't worry. you'll make a great sunny angel. now we're being her little boyfriend. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Hugh_van_Cuylenburg_from_The_Resilience_Project | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Advocate podcast. My name is Wendell Hussey. I've got Effie Bateman here in the studio today and we have a special guest today actually.
He's a man who's achieved a hell of a lot. It's quite an interesting journey. You may be familiar with it. His name is Huw van Cuylenborg. He is the founder of the Resilience Project. He's the host of the Imperfects podcast. He has rolled out a program that's in I believe nearly a thousand schools around the country. Also a keen runner, was a cricketer. It's quite a journey and it's a very interesting story and we're very thankful you could stop into Betuda and join us today.
I'm so excited to be here. I'm such a massive fan.
I wanted to know in your own words how you describe the Resilience Project and what it is. So Resilience Project basically, I'll try and do the elevator pitch for it. Do you know the other day I actually did an elevator pitch in an elevator? Someone asked me about the Resilience Project in the elevator and I said to them, I'm doing an elevator pitch in an elevator.
And they went, what? So I didn't get it.
But anyway, so a really happy childhood, like we're so blessed to have one of those childhoods. My memories of my childhood is, I've got a younger sister, younger brother, mum and dad. And in the summer we'd play cricket all and just have barbecues in the backyard. And in the winter it was playing footy, Aussie rules because it was in Melbourne. And that's kind of my memories of my childhood. It was just blissful.
And when my sister was 14 and I was 16, she developed a mental illness, anorexia nervosa eating disorder. And it completely, it just ravaged it. I mean, it ravaged the family really. If anyone, if you are close to someone with a mental illness or you yourself struggle with a mental illness, you'll know it doesn't just affect you, it's the people around you. And when my sister was 18 years old, she was admitted to hospital. And I remember that was her first night in hospital with this eating disorder. And I remember that night where it was mum, dad, my brother, Josh, who's on our podcast, and myself.
And we were sitting around the dinner table and my dad was doing the dishes and I asked him a question he didn't answer. And so I asked him again, he didn't answer. I turned around to see why not.
And I'll never forget the silhouette of my dad slumped over the kitchen sink just in tears. And he was crying. And I'd never seen my dad cry before. I was 20. I'd never seen dad cry before.
And that was the moment I think I became really fascinated with the question, what is it that makes people happy? I knew I couldn't fix my sister in that moment, but I did want to know what do I do to help mum and dad feel happy? And as the oldest sibling, sometimes you feel like it is my job to fix everything here.
And my little brother, Josh, he was 13. I was like, no, no, this can't happen to him. He's about to have the best years of his life.
And I had no idea. I had absolutely no idea. And I went to primary school teaching thinking, well, if I'm a primary school teacher, very naively and stupidly, I thought, I'll just teach kids and then they won't get a mental illness. I remember my first day in front of this class going, right, how do I stop these kids getting mental illness? I had no idea. Fast forward another five years, I found myself volunteering as a school teacher in India in the desert, no running water, no electricity, no beds.
And I remember thinking, I arrived there and thought, oh, actually this is too full on. I said to the school, I'll be there for two weeks. And I said to them one night when I said, oh, actually, I actually meant two nights. I'll be here for two nights.
And they looked so disappointed, but not surprised. And the next day I was teaching these kids, it was going to be my first and last day in this school as a volunteer teacher in the middle of the desert. I remember sitting there looking at these kids thinking never in my life have I ever seen joy like this before, never. And these are kids who have nothing to call their own. Some of them don't have shoes, they've got one pair of clothes, they're covered in dirt and we're in the middle of the desert.
So anyway, I ended up staying for three and a half months in this village living there because I was like, I need to work out what do they do? What do these people do every day that we are not doing? Why are these people so happy?
And I sort of made observations and lived there and followed them around these kids, which sounds very creepy. I didn't literally follow them around, but watched them very closely, which also doesn't sound great.
But yeah, I just came back to Australia and put together this program based on what I'd seen in this village. Turns out all the stuff they do, practising gratitude, empathy, and mindfulness is very heavily research-based. It turns out there's decades and decades of research screaming at us in Australia. If we want to feel happier, if we want to improve our mental health, or we want to cope better in a challenging time, we got to start practising gratitude, empathy, mindfulness.
So that would be a very long elevator ride. It's an elevator picture. Well, we're going to the 42nd floor. Unfortunately, you guys are stuck in the elevator.
But that's sort of what we do. That's what we teach. And then the podcast came from that. And yeah, so that's the long answer. I love the story. A lot of people might not be familiar with it, but the story of Stanzen, the kid who made quite an impression on you when you were in India. Yeah.
So this one kid, when I say I was sort of whizzing past the details, but one of the kids in this classroom, he was the one I was actually just thinking, this kid's Stanzen. I've never seen joy like this before. And he was the one that really, he was one who inspired me the most because he just never stopped smiling. For example, whenever he saw something he was grateful for, he just stopped and pointed to it.
I was trying to teach some conversation English. I'd never really spoken English before. And they found out if English is your third language, it's very hard to pronounce the T-H sound. So they would make a D noise instead.
So he would point to stuff he was grateful for and go, hey, sir, this, this, this. And I'm talking about his shoes. Like he'd put his shoes on and go, sir, this. His toes were sticking, you know, three centimeters out the end of his shoes. He'd cut the end off because he couldn't afford to buy new shoes. But he's pointing at his shoes going, this, this, this. What he was saying was, how lucky am I to have shoes on my feet.
Lunchtime would come around. A handful of the kids couldn't afford to bring lunch.
So they just got given rice every day. Nothing else, just rice. He'd walk past me with this cup of rice. Hey, sir, this, this. What he was saying was, how lucky am I? I get rice here every single day.
So he made a huge impact on me. He was also the kindest. I've never met a person as kind as this kid. He had nothing to call his own, nothing that we would consider available, but I still don't think I've ever met a happier person. And I think a big part of that was he was so kind to other people. He was always looking out for other people and he was so good at paying attention to the stuff that he did have.
And that, that this, people might have seen it. It's filtered into throughout, I guess, the school system, the sporting world, the Queensland Maroons, our great football team here celebrating after their last series win with a bit of this, this, this. Billy Slater, I think, is he a friend of yours? Yes, he is. Yes. So Billy, it's so funny how it ended up working.
So being from Melbourne, I'm very much AFL. I don't really know the rules of NRL still, even though I've worked with every club now in the company in the NRL. Billy said, would you like to come and work with? This is how little I knew about Queensland. Billy said, I'd love you to work with the Queensland side for the upcoming series.
And he said, we could do this, you could do that. And I said, yeah, it sounds good. And I said, but my one thing is I need to know the coaches invested in it. I mean, is the coach going to buy into this? And he went, ah, I'm the coach.
Like, I just had no idea. That's how little I know about it.
So. One of the greatest to ever do it for Queensland. Oh my gosh. Yeah, totally.
And so we, yeah, so, and we, I told the disc story, I remember on my first session with the Queensland boys and it was just everything for the rest of the camp was just this, like every time something good happened, it was just this. And then as soon as the game one victory we had, it was just everything was just this, this, this. And it was beautiful to see these boys. You know, I remember saying to them in camp on the, I think it was the first session I ran with them. I just said, hey, put your hand up. If you, as a kid, grew up wanting to play footy for Queensland and every single hand went up and I said, just look what you're doing.
I mean, you are living your dream right now. And not many people around the world can actually honestly say, I'm living my dream right now. Well, it's stopping to smell the roses, isn't it? That's exactly what it is.
This sounds like I'm going off track, but I remember watching a Jim Jefferies and stand up routine. And he was talking about once he would tell himself, okay, when I reach this level of my career, I'm going to be happy. It's like, when I get it, sell out an audience, I'll be happy. He did that. And then after that, he's like, nope, got to move the bar up. It's, I'm going to, I'm going to have to sell out all of Australia and then I'll be happy. Kept moving the bar up until, you know, he's worth millions. He's doing, and he's like, I'm not happy because I keep finding a new bar.
So I feel like it's, it's interesting sometimes just that people who have less can be happy because it's not, they're not comparing themselves. It's living the moment a bit more. Yeah. And that's actually, the psychologists will call that the if and then model of happiness. If this happens, then I feel happy.
If I buy this car, then I feel happy. You buy a nice new car. It feels good for a bit. Six months later, someone buys, drives past it on a nice car. With a bad car. And you're like, well, now I need to get it in that car.
Yeah. If I had that car, then I'd feel happy. So I didn't know it said that, but that's, that's the perfect example. Perfect example. Yeah.
How do you go with that on a personal level? I understand you'd be working on it all the time, but if you look at the if and then model, you seem to be constantly achieving and constantly, you know, kicking goals and moving forward and resilience project goes from strength to strength. You're working with all the teams. You're working, I'm assuming with idols in terms of cricket players and organisations and all that sort of stuff. How do you stay, I guess, grounded and practise, gratitude, empathy, and mindfulness in your everyday life? That's a great question. I think I'm doing okay with it because you can get caught.
When I started the resilience project, no one was interested.
I'd call schools and say, Oh, would you like to come, I can come and talk and I'd go, sorry, who are you? And then I remember thinking if I could just have five schools on my books that I could do every year, that'd be happy. And then, well, happy, I'd feel content. And that'd be, and then we ended up with five and then I was like, no, no, it needs to be 20. And then, you know, we had a meeting yesterday with our staff and we're like, well, do we want to cap this? Like, we've got 1062 schools around Australia doing the programme this year. Now, if I just went back of like five years, it would absolutely blow my mind. Like, that's amazing. But we're still, I'm in my head, I'm like, Oh no, I think if we could get to 1500 schools, that'd be, so it's, I think we constantly do it as human beings. We're just constantly, we need to get better at just stopping and swallowing the roses and going, this is, you know, right now, this is great. One of the ways that really helps me, we've got three kids under the age of seven.
And every night around the dinner table, we will ask them a question, what went well for you today? What went well for young kids? We'll say, what was your favourite thing that happened today?
And as part of doing that activity, we have to kind of model it to them. So we will, my wife and I will join in as well.
And that actually really helps you just to count the little wins along the way. And I think the more you pick up on little wins that, cause we're surrounded by them. Like we live in Australia, my God, for all the shit that's going in the world right now, to live in Australia for, not for everyone, but to live in Australia for a lot of people, it's like you've won the lottery, honestly, like you've hit the jackpot, but we don't pay attention to the good stuff. We're so easily seduced by the negative things happening around us. We got to get better at just stopping and paying attention to the good stuff. And when you, every night, well, however you do it, if you've got kids, like we've got 300 kids at the dinner table, amongst the absolute utter shit show that is getting them to the dinner table and trying to get them to bed, to have 20 seconds where everyone says their favourite thing that happened during the day, you sort of, it's training your brain to scan the world for the good stuff.
Billy Slater, I mentioned Billy, is amazing at this. Like he is, for someone who has achieved everything there is to achieve in his profession and beyond, he's so good at just stopping and paying attention to the good stuff that happens. And he's so good at paying attention to the good stuff that happens within his squad. So like, and celebrating small stuff. So I think that really helps the Queensland guys. I have to say just a quick story on Billy Slater.
So for someone, I don't know the rugby league at all. This is a massive tangent, but I just thought of it just then. I remember game one for my first year with him on the game day, I was like, hey, where do I go during the game? Do I just sit in the crowd or do I like, where's my spot?
And he goes, I'd like you in the coaches box. And I'm like, oh, okay. I won't be on television by the way. And he goes, oh, it's possible. I don't want to be, please. Like I just, and he goes, yeah, I'm sure we can find a spot for you, you won't be seen.
And so we go up, the security takes us up there like, and it was full on, like we're getting, it's a small coaches box. In IFL, there's like 10 coaches in there. There was four of us, there was Billy Slater, Matt Ballin, Josh Hanno and myself. That was it. And I'm right behind Billy. And I'm like, oh, the camera's going to be on him. Like, so I was sort of, I was like sitting down as low as I could in my chair so I couldn't be seen. Anyway, I don't know the rules of rugby league. And there was a point where, so Matt Ballin, since the umpires and he can do what the umpires are doing. Josh Hanno is talking to the assistant coaches and Billy goes, what's the tackle count please? Like just to all of us as coaches. Well, I'm not a coach, but I'm in there. And the other two are preoccupied with their jobs. And Billy goes, tackle count.
And he turned around and looked at me and I went, um, three? He goes, actually I went, yep.
No, no, no, no. I made that up. I'm so sorry. Please don't ask me questions.
It was so fucking stressful. Put on the spot. Oh, massive. It was like such an intense moment of the game.
I don't know why I made it up. I just made it up. Yeah. It wasn't though. Cause he spun around and goes, really? No, no, no, no. I made it up. That is, I made that up. I don't know why. I'm so sorry.
That is a high pressure situation. I find you Melburnian so funny not knowing the rules to rugby league. Cause I think it's like one of the simplest games there is. You get your tackles, you kick the ball at the end, knock-ons here and there. I mean, I find Victorian leg tennis particularly hard to understand. Sometimes I watch and the decisions I'm like, huh? All right, I'm going to need that one explained. I'm sure Melburnians probably think the same thing about us. Simple Queenslanders. I've watched it. I have watched so many games now and I still don't know what's going on. And I have to act like, even though they know I don't know, I still have to make noises like in the coaches box when something happens and they all make a noise.
I have to join in with the noise. So like, if they all go, Oh what? I go, Oh no, damn it. Like I just, I'm like, what just happened? I'm just making up noises. Just say, fuck ref. Yeah. That's it.
Were there any eagle-eyed viewers who spotted you as a new assistant coach of the Morones during that? I had some of the funniest things. Adelaide Oval, we had to walk across the field and we have to walk through the grant. Like you have to walk through the crowd to get to the coaches box. That was my first experience of understanding how vitriolic and how passionate both sides of supporters are.
We walked through a contingent of just blues and the stuff that people were yelling at me, it was mainly like, get, fuck you, Billy, get fucked, Billy, get fucked, who the fuck are you? And then just put like pointing at me so aggressive and they're going, I won't say exactly the same, but oh you, who the fuck do you think you are? You're a fucking no one.
And for some reason I was engaging with it. I was like, the others just were used to that, putting their head, I was going, I know, I know. I'm just, I'm actually not really, I haven't actually, like, no, no, I don't, I don't even know the rules. Anyway. But I'm grateful for you noticing you. So anyway, I absolutely copped it and it was like, it was, and I remember sitting down in the box first 10 minutes of the game, I'm just trying to gather myself going, I've just been abused by so many people and I don't know why I'm so upset by it because I didn't even know who I was. It was just the colour of my top.
But yeah, that'll do it. That'll do it on origin night.
Origin, if there's a blues jersey going through Caxton street, it's not fun. Caxton street, what a thing that is.
So after game, well, I can't remember what it was, last year, after we won the origin, we were heading back to the hotel and we're going down Caxton street and Billy goes, no, fuck it, we're going to Caxton. And I was like, what, what, sorry, what are we doing? What's, what's the, and he goes, we're going to that pub. And I went, what, now? And he goes, yeah, mate, we used to do this all the time. It was like the best thing, we're going to do it again.
All right. We can't, they can't, what are you talking about? So that was a spur of the moment thing. Yeah, yeah. Right.
So we got off the bus and we walked through, like, I was like, this is a disaster. Like they're in the middle of the public. The public had been drinking all day.
And I was like saying that security goes, mate, they love these boys. Like there's no, there's no one from New South Wales here. And I was like, oh, I guess so. It was the most, I felt like I'm waving at the crowd as I go past. There's a sense of camaraderie on Caxton street. And there's, you know, not as many journalists looking to bring certain people down. If there were journalists there, I reckon they would just be like, hey, have a great night.
I've got the night off. You've got the night off.
Yeah. And the wonderful establishment that is the Caxton hotel, they, they tend to look after, look after players as well. But I didn't realise, I thought that was maybe a function that had been organised. I didn't realise it was just Billy saying, let's go. No, I was just wondering, this is the old days of like, of like, you know, this is, I remember he walked us, sorry, this is becoming a Queensland state of origin, but I remember the first, my first, I opened camp one a couple of years ago, the talk, and then Billy said, now we're going to walk down to Suncorp from the W hotel.
And I was looking at Google maps going, it's a 30 minute walk. We've got buses here. Why aren't we getting the bus? And then as we were walking through the streets of Brisbane, I realised why he was doing it.
And it was just to remind the boys of like, how much this means the people of Brisbane. And it was really cool. Just people running up and just like, love you Cam, love you. Like whoever, they were just absolutely loving it.
Yeah, special. Seems... Sorry, I'm just doing this interview.
Well, look, we, we can go on all day with Queensland origin stories, but it seems like sports players in particular are very receptive to the messages of the resilience project. And obviously, I mean, a part of that would be the fact that they get paid a few hundred grand a year to run around after a ball and do what they love, right? That very definition of what they love. Some guys seem to fall out of love with the game, but it sounds like you're able to show them, you know, how good it really is to be playing sport for a living. Do you think that's why they're so receptive to your message?
I, I've thought about this so much. I remember the first, so the first elite sporting club I did was the Melbourne Storm. And I didn't really know, I recognised Billy and Cam, but I didn't know who else was. So I went in there and I thought, this won't work. This is a session for school kids really.
And Billy actually stopped me five minutes in and he said, he goes, hey mate. And he put his hand up, yes, Mr Slater. And he said, he goes, this is fucking awesome. Keep going. I was like, well I wasn't going to stop, but yeah.
But I remember, but I remember the look on his face and all the other, a couple of guys had their iPads with him because it was playoff, NBA playoff time. And they were like, there was a game on and I was like, oh, how am I going to, and the iPads went down within 30 seconds and they were so in. And I remember thinking, gosh, they really need this.
And ever since I've been blown away by, I think I'm kind of used to it now, but I think elite sports people, their whole life has been from a very young age. It kind of becomes a bit more than I'm doing what I love. It's like, this is my career and my career is on a knife edge and it can be taken away from me at any moment.
I don't know a lot about sports, but I watched the David Beckham documentary. I didn't realise. You were watching for the sports as well.
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
It had nothing to do with how gorgeous young David Beckham was, but I didn't realise, I had never really thought about it, how stressful it is to be in a team and representing a country. And he would have had to be resilient because he copped it. I don't know how, at age 23, having people shout, death threats and burning an effigy of you because you made a mistake in a match.
I don't know how they do it. Yeah. I think both sides of the fence don't focus on that.
I mean, if you're a play for a football team by virtue of who you play for, 17 other, if there's 18 teams, whatever it is, 17 other, lots of supporters hate you just because of the colour of your jumper. And that's not a nice feeling to have people you don't know hate you when you're walking around like, does this person hate me? Did they love me because of who I play for?
That's their life. That's what they leave.
They also know if they're injured badly, their career is gone overnight. If they don't play well for a few games, the anxiety is getting dropped. But we look at it and go, you're playing, you get to play sport. You get paid to play sport.
That's a dream. That's amazing. I think a lot of these players, I hope the gratitude part helps them to fall back in love with the sport a little bit or their life and what they're actually doing. I hope. I don't know what it is.
Older players tend to gravitate towards it. The younger boys enjoy it because I try and make it a very fun and funny session, but I think the older players really get it. They're really warm to it. And I wanted to ask about how kids receive it as well, because I will assume the older players have experienced a little bit more. They've stopped to smell the roses a few more times. With kids, are kids generally receptive to it or do you get difficult groups? How kind of open are they to it? Like the naughty boys in the back of the class. As kids, they obviously all have lived experience, but they may not have an awareness of their surroundings as much.
I have so many stories on this. For a long time, it was just me and this other guy, Martin Heppell, and he's the best in the world at presenting the kids. He's extraordinary.
One of the things I remember being up in Queensland with was a group of a cluster of schools. We had five schools, small around Townsville, coming to high schools, coming to this huge stadium where we'd present 14, 15, 16-year-old boys and girls.
But what we would usually do is we sit back and we watch everyone get off the bus, we watch them come in, we'll talk to the teachers about who the difficult kids are, and we'll go and engage them before the talk starts. So we'll go over and hang out with them. If someone's coming to do a talk and you're a naughty kid, you're like, I'm going to run this person. But as soon as you chat to them and listen to them before the session starts and just like hear them out, they're just like, oh, this person, not too bad.
The older I get, the harder it has become to do that. But when I started, I was like 27, 28, so it was like only 10 years away from them. It gets harder and harder the older you get, but you know, just put your cap backwards and say bro and stuff.
Hello fellow kids. Do you know the slang?
Do you know what Riz means? What does Riz mean? It's short for charisma. So if somebody's like really good with the ladies, he's got Riz. Oh, so when I say like, hey dude, nice Riz. Yeah, Riz game's strong man.
I open with the story of my little sister and Martin opens with a story that's pretty full on for him to tell as well. And I think as soon as anyone gets up in stage in front of a group of people, no matter who the kids are, what age they are, what, you know, demographic, what background, as soon as they are making themselves vulnerable with a story that's quite hard to tell. I've presented at juvenile detention centers and all that kind of stuff. I've never had a group who don't go, this guy's telling us something that's pretty hard to tell.
So he obviously trusts us. I think they don't like intellectualise that, but they're thinking at a subconscious level, this guy trusts us. So I trust him. And I think that's how it works.
But I had a FaceTime call in the car on the way here with a group of, this is a school in South Australia. We work with one of our school partnership managers over there. It's apparently the only vision impaired primary school in Australia.
And they're doing our program and they were doing braille worksheets for Resilience Project, which is just beautiful. And they were telling us what they love about Resilience Project most.
So, I mean, we got over a thousand schools now. I find it very moving, the different groups of kids around Australia who are doing this every single day. Yeah, fantastic.
Now, I feel like we could go on for hours here, but unfortunately, we're getting the knock on the glass from the Desert Rock FM studio producers. And we have to wrap this chat up, Hugh, but I think there's probably a part two and a part three coming up at some point in the near future. But thank you so much for stopping in to talk to us today and sharing some insights and some stories and particularly some Queensland origin stories as well. As I said at the top of the episode, I love the two graphicants so much.
It's got me through some very dark times and it's like my, when I'm on Instagram, it's the one that I cannot, like my algorithm knows that he will not be able to say no to a tutor advocate. It's always, if you press like, you know, when your search comes up and it's like, it just, it's so revealing what your algorithm is. For me, it's like a tutor advocate, Brett Lee in swingers and getting snakes out of people's homes. They're the three things that Instagram knows I cannot say no to. I think Brett Lee in swingers should be above us, but I'm happy to be above the snakes in people's homes.
I have dogs with human eyes. Cause I keep clicking on them cause it is so weird. Well, like people have photoshopped them in or what actually looks like. There's specific poodle breeds where they have eerily human eyes and I'm fascinated by them.
Unbelievable. I feel like that could be a podcast in itself. Like it's the most vulnerable thing you do to go get out your phone and just click on search. And what is it like?
It's pretty revealing. It says everything about a person. It really does.
Well, thank you very much, Hugh. Thanks for the kind words and you've got a lot of people out of a lot of very difficult times as well. So I know a lot of people appreciate your work. Thanks very much for joining us and we'll talk to you soon. Absolute pleasure. Thanks for having me guys.
Demographic background. As soon as they are making themselves vulnerable with a story that's quite hard to tell. I've presented juvenile detention centers and all that kind of stuff. I've never had a group who don't go, this guy's telling us something that's pretty hard to tell.
So he obviously trusts us. I think they don't intellectualize that, but they're thinking at a subconscious level, this guy trusts us. So I trust him. And I think that's how it works.
But I had a FaceTime call in a car on the way here with a group of, this is a school in South Australia. We work with one of our school partnership managers over there. Apparently there's only vision impaired primary school in Australia and they're doing our program and they were doing braille worksheets for resilience project, which is just beautiful. And they were telling us what they love about resilience project most. So, I mean, we got over a thousand schools now. It just, I find it very moving, the different groups of kids around Australia who are doing this every single day.
Yeah, fantastic. Now, I feel like we could go on for hours here, but unfortunately we're getting the knock on the glass from the Desert Rock FM studio producers. And we have to wrap this chat up Hugh, but I think there's probably a part two and a part three coming up at some point in the near future. But thank you so much for stopping in to talk to us today and sharing some insights and some stories and particularly some Queensland origin stories as well. As I said at the top of the episode, I love the tutor advocates so much.
It's got me through some very dark times and it's like my, when I'm on Instagram, it's the one that I cannot, like my algorithm knows that you will not be able to say no to a tutor advocate. It's always, if you press like, you know, and your search comes up and it's like, it just, it's so revealing what your algorithm is. For me, it's like but tutor advocate, Brett Lee in swingers and snake getting snakes out of people's homes. They're the three things that Instagram knows. I cannot say no to it. I think Brett Lee in swingers should be above us, but I'm happy to be above the snakes in people's homes.
I have dogs with human eyes because I keep clicking on them because it is so weird. Well, like people have photoshopped them in or actually there's specific poodle breeds where they have eerily human eyes and I'm fascinated by that.
Unbelievable. I feel like that could be a podcast in itself. Like it's the most vulnerable thing you do to go, get out your phone and just click on search. And what is it like?
It's pretty revealing. It says everything about a person. It really does.
Well, thank you very much, Hugh. Thanks for the kind words. And you've got a lot of people out of a lot of very difficult times as well. So I know a lot of people appreciate your work. Thanks very much for joining us and we'll talk to you soon. Absolute pleasure. Thanks for having me guys. |
TheOnion | Older_Hispanic_Men_Line_Up_Excitedly_For_Breaking_Dawn_Premiere | The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 opened on Friday and thousands of Twilight's biggest fans, older Hispanic men, showed up for the opening night. My bestie, Angelique Clark, has more with the Star Fix. Thanks, Brooke. Giddy older Hispanic men took the day off work and lined up as early as 4 a.m. Friday morning to get tickets for the first showing of the new Twilight movie. Super fan, 49-year-old Jorge Gomez, a construction worker from East Los Angeles, said that he and his friends have been planning to come to opening night for weeks. We were so excited. We went to campout last night, but I will finally win a lattice. Members of the crowd showed off their prize. Twilight possessions are even dressed up as their favorite characters.
This is my Edward Pilla doll. I sleep with it every night.
I'm going to marry him. I don't care what people think. I love him.
Oh my God, it's going to be so, so, so hot. One fan was such an extreme Twilight fanatic. He even had a Twilight tattoo. It's to celebrate the love of Edward and Bella. I got an impression. But not everyone agreed Bella should end up with Edward. Though emotions were clearly running high among the middle-aged Hispanic men, they did make sure to make Twihards from other demographics feel at home. Anyone can relate to these wonder tales of love and adventure, not just Hispanic men. Indian men also can love Twilight. And later in the night, fans even got an extra surprise when Robert Pattinson showed up unexpectedly to sign autographs. |
dropout | women_to_men_please_catcall_us_psa | I am a woman a woman a woman and this is a message from women all different types of women telling you men to cat call me cat call me cat call us how will I know if I look hot today if you don't let me know hey baby damn you've got beautiful eyes he's so sweet only looking at these little lies of mine I can't wait till he checks out the rest of my body so selfish of me to just be focused on my own thoughts like rent or work or my sick grandmother when I could be brightening a man's day with these pearly whites smile for me smile smile come on baby smile girl come on girl smile show me that smile show me that beautiful smile life can be hectic zoom and sometimes I find myself stuck in the fast lane why you rushing remind me to slow down come here and talk to me tell me what to do you give me a number tell me what you'll do to me buttfucker tell me what to do to you piss in my mouth it's so easy to cat call you don't have to use anything resembling actual words we're not getting all dolled up for ourselves you know we're doing it just for you and you and you fatty don't let us have a moment to ourselves without a proper cat call our self-worth depends on our self-worth depends on our self-worth depends on cat call us today |
dropout | realistic_superhero_funeral | Friends, we gather here today to mourn the passing of Alpha Man, Earth's mightiest hero, who was tragically slain last week by his archenemy, Rex Ruthless. Pretty impressive turnout for a sixth funeral. I hope this goes quicker than the last five.
I've got a date later with Limber Lass. You wanna know why they call her that? Limber Lass? Would you please show some respect?
I was his sidekick and now he's gone forever. Gone forever, sure.
Anyway, it's because of the way she can bend her. Alpha Man seemed invincible. We all remember when it looked like he had been killed while saving us from that supernova. Or when he died defending the Earth from laser tigers. Or that time he fell into that open sewer grate and contracted sentient hepatitis. Each time, no matter how certain his demise, Alpha Man was back a few weeks later, the status quo miraculously restored.
Ugh, can't believe anyone expects us to take this seriously anymore. Please, just let me grieve! Uh, excuse me, hi. Has anyone else here noticed the most popular superheroes never stay dead? It's like they're favored by the gods or something. Don't look at me.
Uh, you there, Black Eagle. It's just Eagle, actually.
Remember the first time Alpha Man died? How long did that last? Uh, about a month.
Then he was resurrected by that magic lightning. See, the next time he died, he was cloned back to life. Then he was injected with Ghost Serum and then a wizard reanimated his body.
Ah, but this time we couldn't find the body. What? How do you even know he's dead? Because we have an eyewitness that saw the death first hand. Well, I smelled it. It's basically the same thing. Look, I just think the city is wasting a lot of time and money on these constant funerals.
If you would just wait, I'm sure Alpha Man will come flying back through a wormhole or something stupid like- Look! There he is! Funerals that make me so happy! The eyes am dry! We can all agree with your touching words, Bizarro Alpha Man. That's why I've reallocated our entire public school budget to build this new memorial honoring our fallen hero. Father Lee, would you say a few words? The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and occasionally the Lord doth recon matters to simplify over complex continuity. Sorry I'm late, mare. And there it is. See ya. Alpha Man! You're alive! But how? Isn't it obvious? Rex's ruthless laser ray sent me through time to this very moment. Come now, Beta Boy! There's no time to lose!
Um, I think he's dead. Dead? You mean he's lost in time? Nope. Stone dead. Cosmic hibernation? Deceased. Frozen in polar ice. His neck's broken.
Oh. And so, Beta Boy passes into the next life. Ha ha ha! Me am always cry of weddings. |
TheOnion | Mother_Shares_How_Video_Games_Radicalized_Her_Son_To_Run_Around_And_Pick_Up_Coins | As a mother of a 10-year-old boy, I know firsthand just how dangerous video games can be. Not only are they addictive and isolating, but they can teach our children to mimic toxic and sometimes deadly behaviors. And my Michael was no exception. Video games radicalized my son to run around and pick up coins.
And now, his life is ruined. It started out small. At first, Michael would pick up a nickel here or there and yell, Woo-hoo! But then things started to get more extreme. He'd become so desensitized that he would sprint down the street pointing at the coins, jumping on the coins, and spinning around in a circle when he held the coins. That's when I knew something was very, very wrong. I tried everything to stop it.
Taking away his coin purse, hitting him over the head to scatter his coins. I even tried crushing him with a barrel to steal his coins. But every time, he just went out and did it again.
Then one afternoon, I get the call that I'd been dreading my entire life. It was the police. They said they had my son, that he had entered a grocery store and had done the unthinkable. Michael had gotten his head stuck in a coin-star machine. What had I done? What kind of boy had I raised?
When they took him to the station, all he could say was, game over. And wah, wah, wah, wah.
I will always love my son. But I barely recognize him anymore. And if I could, I would ban video games forever to protect kids like Michael from ever having to see a coin in the first place. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_randy_graves_saturday_night_live | Okay, we've heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. what we haven't heard is straight talk from young people. here tonight, from the University of Ohio, Sigma Epsilon's own Randy Graves. Call out! Whoo! First of all, this is a big story. Dude, read the Papes. this thing is Huge. basically, what happened? the President of the United States, Slick Willie, went for a kick-ass hummer on the sly. and this bitch, Linda Tripp, totally cock-blocked him. simple as that. Now, my good bro, Steve Pinner, we were in the same pledge glass. he got arrested for rape. we used to call him Hambone. Hambone! check it out! Hambone! Anyway, the papers called him the Laundry Room rapist. he was cock-blocked by some bitch. Tripp is a bitch. Hilary's a bitch. but Bubba's cool, cause he's out looking for a B.j.
Give it up, Colin. Ow! Cologne! Colonial Foot Soldier! Cologne! ow! come on, man, he won't give it up. Dude, are you gay? you gotta give it up for the bitch line, Quinny.
Anyway, Billy Boy, he broke rule. Numero uno. Do Not dip your pin in the company ink. Am I right?
Dude, I remember this bro, Derek Adkins. he was the coolest. you don't even know. he was the coolest. Anyway, we were having this slave auction fundraiser and we're all, we're all out on the party porch and there were way too many people out there. And the porch came away and Adkins fell and he hit his head on the ground.
But, but it's cool. they got him a van with a ramp that he drives with his teeth. Now, so. in your eyes, the light, the heat, in your eyes, I am complete. He loved that song, Colin. He loved that song. cologne! And that's what I'm talking about with this President thing. you are the coolest, Colin. you are the Man.
Give it up for Colin Quinn. Derek Adkins, I'm Colin Quinn. that's my story and I'm sticking with it. Good Night. for Colin Quinn, Stand Up! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! |
SaturdayNightLive | don_zimmer_sports_spectacular_saturday_night_live | The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular! Don Zimmer, I welcome to my Sports Spectacular, where I talk to the biggest names, Barnard and Sports. And speaking of big names, they don't get any bigger than my old pal, Petey Rose. ha ha!
Hi! Beautiful. how you doing, Buddy? Oh. how you doing, you old solid boy? it's good to see you, Big melon head.
Oh. hey, how about them Yankees, huh? ha ha ha! they're gonna win the World Series, ain't they? Oh, well, they'll win it if you keep running out of posing pictures with that big old head of yours. ha ha ha ha! come off it. now, I don't wanna talk about that.
I'm ashamed of myself. I should not have done it.
Baw! you look like a butterball turkey going down. ha ha ha! I said, knock it off, Pete. have you seen the tape? I said, funny, man, it's really funny. you're getting me mad over here. Well, I had a good old laugh, old Buddy. I really did. Oh, now you got me too mad Now! here I come! here I come! Oh! oh!
I'm mad again. I'm sorry, Zim. Oh. look at me when I done again. Oh, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed.
I ain't got nothing more to say on that. my next guest loves the game of baseball, almost as much as me. Here he is, Bob Costas. good morning. Hiya. good to see ya. Zim, you're looking resplendent as ever.
Well, what? what the hell is that supposed to mean? As per usual, the Zimmer has let the English language utterly daze and confuse him. And yet, inside this man's prodigious, infant-like head, there's a veritable baseball encyclopedia.
Gosh, Bob, if I knew what you were saying, I'd sock you in the snap box for saying something like that. Look, all I'm saying is that I have nothing but the greatest respect for you and for what you've given to the game. Well, it's too late, because I'm getting steamed now. Oh, come on. I was only playfully jousting with you, Don. well, get ready to take your lumps.
Oh, brother. no, I'm really embarrassed. Are you embarrassed, my family, again? I'm embarrassed to Yankees. Oh, I'm ashamed at what I done.
I got nothing more to say on the subject. maybe you ought to cut the show short tonight, Don. No, it's okay. I got a swell gal coming out of here. she's a ball girl over at Fenway Park, up in Boston. I just want to show them I ain't sore at the Red Sox. So here she is, Cindy Cooper. welcome to my sport spectacular, Cindy. thank you. I want to thank you, Mr. Zimmer, for showing that there are no hard feelings. Uh, who am I kidding? I lied. I'm still pretty hot over what happened with Pedro and the rest of you lousy bums. Knock it off, Don. she's a girl, man. I can handle myself.
I've seen the tape. we just point his head away and let them all men and take him down. I got more moves than Mordecai Brown. look out, girlie. here comes a whole lot of messes in there. What the hell? Oh, no. he'll be up in a minute. Boy, let's get out of here. before we have to dump him again. hey! where you all going? Oh, boy.
Well, of course I'm ashamed at what I done. Oh, gosh. I'm embarrassed. I made a mess of everything.
The Don Zimmer sport spectacular! Cheering. |
cracked | how_alcohol_is_necessary_for_online_dating_rom_com | Hey bub, what you working on? Not work, I hope.
It's crazy. Our matching algorithm is on point, so the connections we make make perfect sense. But for whatever reason, there are a bunch of outlier couples that pair up outside of our algorithm. Wow. Our version of crazy is super different. Actual bird elected to state senate. Now that's crazy. Your crazy is a math thing.
What's more, you butt, is that all of these outlier couples start by sending messages exclusively late at night. These people just start behaving sporadically after 12, 30 a.m. once or twice a month.
You want to dig into this with me? As much as I would love to talk analytics and science on a Friday night, I'm gonna have to pass this up. Yeah! Face down, pass up, that's the way we etc. Tell Red, her stuff is boring. On it. Josie, what are you even doing here? You don't work in this office? What is there? Some sort of ultimate fighting? Axe body spray energy drink convention sponsored by finance guys and like club DJ's. Some getting away from her.
Why are you in this office? Blake and I meet up once a week for drinks, go out, catch up, sometimes we go bowling. Did he not tell you guys? He told me you two were his best friend. Rush is helping, giving me confidence, teaching me to be better at talking at, talking to, for women. Dates. Well it sounds like it's going great.
Anyway, people are using your dating website exclusively late at night and in a way that's difficult to predict because the bulk of dating website activity doesn't happen when people sit down to seriously consider looking for a potential partner, it happens late at night. Why? She asked like a dumb child? But that's when people are drunk as fuck. What? She demanded like a self-possessed world sex champion? People do online dating when they're drunk because they're too embarrassed to do it sober. So if you really wanted to understand our users and use the site in a way that most normal people do, you'd have to get super drunk.
Yes! Besides.
But no, no, that won't happen because I am a professional. There are ways to understand an impaired brain without getting hammered. In fact, I can say, with utmost confidence, that I will never, under any circumstance, yes!
Ten points! You have to take another shot! No! And you have to tell us a secret nobody knows and I get to make another rule! What is this drinking game? It's very elaborate. Oh no game! Josie literally just came over, said, I bet you don't think I can do this, and then started throwing coins at glasses, demanding points regardless of the outcome. I need a Vice Prime Minister!
I don't believe I've ever seen Josie this drunk before. Yeah. Hey, I've never seen you drunk.
You loosen up at all or just get more powerful? I take such immaculate care of myself that my body is constantly repairing itself against the effects of alcohol. The instrument of my body is so finely tuned, I literally cannot catch up.
Huh! That's wow! How come I've never seen you in a room with Captain America? Huh?
She is that girl you like. Yeah, now you work with her, so you got something to talk about. Just go talk to her, listen to her, compliment her, don't mention 9-11, and for God's sake, try to be comfortable in your own skin!
It's just that second tower started to go down before the plane was anywhere near it. No, I didn't.
Dammit, you are still not ready to talk to a woman. Shots! What do you think is going on? So this is one people online date?
In real life, Jake, too. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, you know? Makes you more confident. Personally, I am definitely going home with someone tonight. My shot, thanks to liquid courage, you know, I'm not saying alcohol is like a solution to problems, but that's how it feels to me, in my heart.
I think I'm going to message this back, you think I should? We matched for only 72 percent, but I don't give a fuck, is this a good idea? I do not want to stop you from doing it!
Shots!
I'm upset that the whale population is crumbling, of course. Do I regret the hunting trip? Not at all. It breaks my heart that you're contributing to a culture that's actively making the world the worst place for our children and our grandchildren.
But I love that tenacity! Wanna see me do a back flip? This is how I dance now. It's cool, right? Yeah, very cool. You're fired. You will watch me do a back flip. Now. Cool! Pretzel!
You stayed here last night after all that talk about going home with someone? Going home can mean a lot of different things. Last night was a little fun.
Yeah, um, call me. Hey, maybe.
Wow! Oh, my... Yeah, I don't know if you know this, but you got incredibly drunk last night. An incredibly sexual, then angry, then kind of preachy, and then you just kind of danced between hungry and sexual for the rest of the night. My head feels like bees. Oh, shit!
Why did you let me message this guy? I tried to stop you. Why? How bad is it? First of all, I know you, so don't even say. We math on the stupid say, but it's a bad match, so it doesn't count.
I like her shirts that you wear. I'm watching you. A bit about me. I'm the best! And be nice to me, or I'll feel bad.
You said in your profile about a robot apocalypse? First of all, that's not gonna happen, because second of all, we already have safeguards and even technology that isn't harmful. We put our fucking computers to sleep, bro.
Get real. Get real, handsome guy. I need some fucking cheese fries like yesterday.
A bit about me. I like hiking, working hard. But I'm so fun. Hey, ask me out sometime.
Hot. Smoky. So beautiful.
They should have sent a poet. What do I do? Just send him a quick message and let him know you were drunk.
Honesty is always best. It's advice which I often give out but don't apply to myself.
I can't believe last night happened. Did Blake sing Poor Unfortunate Souls? Or did I drunk dream that? But you sang that. To Blake. It was incredible. It brought the audience to tears. Well, Blake.
I'm never drinking again. That's a stupid thing to say. I'm going to.
First of all, second of all, I don't want to waste too much time getting into specifics about the robots. But suffice it to say, we're only a few years away. And once we cross that threshold, it's all bets are off. That's why I make my toaster wear a blindfold when I go to sleep. And as far as the drunk stuff, don't worry about it. You know, it happens to everybody. I'm still a little unsure of this whole online dating thing, too. So you get a pass for now. But I earn one free drunk message to you.
Deal? Whoa. That was actually the right answer. Yeah, but we're still... Hey, hey, look. I know you're not a perfect mathematical match with this guy and that bugs you. Okay?
Your science is great. All your research is right.
But there will always be something else. That which can't be measured. The thing that just works on a human level. And in a way, that's even more scientific. What? Some part of me unconsciously knew that already, which is why I messaged him in the first place. Yeah, something magical in your heart. No, something in my DNA. My body knew something before my brain did. Our bodies are such amazing complex machines that they're constantly making connections I haven't made yet. And once I do, I'll figure out how to quantify it. Love isn't magic, it's just science. I haven't figured out yet.
Feels like we're saying the same... Thanks, Max. For proving me right. Hey. For proving me right. Well agreed.
All right. Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I have some high-powered executive-style vomiting to do. By all means. First of all.
It's about love. Love is in the air.
That's true. Why are we in the after-hours diner? Holy shit! Right? |
dropout | what_is_the_sexiest_way_to_die_rank_room | What if while this is happening, some of the groupies take off their clothes? Just a thought. Let's make this sexier. Hello America. Welcome to The Rank Room. This is a show where we answer one of life's most important questions. Today's question is, what is the sexiest death?
I am joined by Raphael Chestank. Buckle up. Allie Beardsley. Put a cork in it. And Brennan Lee Mulligan. Stop what you're doing and do something different or I'll harm you. Excellent. Brennan, would you like to start? I would.
What is the sexiest way to die?
Whoa. Oh baby. What?
What the fuck? This is wild.
Thank you. If you had asked me what the dimensions were, I would have been like, what? For real, I actually haven't said something weird yet.
What is the fifth dimension? Some posit that the fifth dimension is impossible for us as four dimensional beings to understand. We cannot know from our vantage point what five dimensions would be like.
Perhaps you would bust a nut so hard. Perhaps one would bust their nut so forcefully that you would recurse backwards infinitely into a fractal version of yourself.
Thus, not only are you weeping, it is impossible to say whether the achievement of this fabled state would actually kill one on a biological level. Who's to say whether this death would, in fact, actually not be more of a ascendance into a higher form of life?
You did not answer the question, though. Didn't I, though?
No, I want you to actually die. What would your definition of death be? What? You die.
Our definition is this. Oh, Raph. Oh, Raph, let us not be so pedestrian. These terms require definitions. I'm sorry. This was supposed to be fun.
Ellie, Ellie. This has been a great party. Thank you for having us over. Ellie, go.
You don't think the audience is gonna have one question? I don't think so. No, I think I'm just about right.
The mother of my children, maybe. I don't know. It's her.
And then, knock, knock, knock, Carol. The woman who played Carol, Kate Blanchett, at the door, both of them.
And they're curious. Because they're both in love with me. Yes. And I love them, too. But maybe they don't really get polyamory. Yeah. I have enough love to give, but that's not enough for them.
And so they crush my body as I attempt to get in the middle of them in this fight. And I'm literally crushed to death by Kate Blanchett and Robin Wright's strong, future female bodies.
Yes. And in my last dying breath, I say, I love you.
And no one knows who I was talking to. Who knows? Maybe I was talking to both of them. Or neither. You could have been talking to yourself. Or to God. I was talking to God.
This is a very hot idea. Thank you. The women described in your fantasy are both mature. Is there an element of that that you think plays into this? Is there some sort of?
You know, they have a nurturing feeling towards me. And they want to protect me. But in this case, their rage got the best of them. And they weren't able to protect me from themselves. So they, in this scenario, you kind of view yourself as a daughter lover.
Second official lamb. Hmm? My first thing is trampled by horny groupies. Whoa!
It's a rock star. But he caters to the music. It's rocking. And you can dance to it.
But it also speaks to, like, your soul. And it's stuff that's, like, it's personal.
Like, whoa, like, this guy came from. Is this a slam code? This guy just came and scummed from. Ah! Beep, beep, I'm gonna come from the street. So this guy, he's up on stage. And he finishes his show. But then, it's encore. Whoa.
So he leaves. But they actually think, oh, he's gone.
Because this guy never does encore. He never does.
Because he leaves you wanting more. It's the, this is part of the, this is the sexy part. This part is sexiness.
And then he comes back. And then they rush the stage. And then just, and then just, you're just surrounded by love and people who want to love you.
And they're ripping you apart. And you just get trampled. You get ripped apart and trampled and suffocated.
This is very evocative. This is really. It is hot. What if while this is happening, some of the groupies take off their clothes? Just a thought. Let's make this sexier.
Yeah, they strip down. Strip down.
I think it's like, it turns into like an orgy, but of death. My first idea is a skydiving boner.
Let me explain. Picture this. I only am.
You are skydiving as a hot person. Picture you, but hotter. Okay, you are skydiving naked. It's a bucket list type of a thing. You jump on the plane and then it comes time. So your bodily parts, your genitalia, they're flying every which way.
The wind. Yes. Picture it. Anyway, it's time for you to pull your parachute. It doesn't work. Here's the thing.
Below you has been a fashion shoot. A bunch of male models who are naked and have boaters, of course. They are below you. This isn't a fashion shoot, it's a porn shoot. Fashion show, porn shoot, whatever. They're models, okay? You land directly onto the boner of the male models.
You both die. You both die at penetration.
So it's not your boner that skydiving? No! You're landing onto a boner. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. My mouth or sphincter going at terminal velocity collides with the erect penis. Hopefully this gentleman is somehow, I guess, horizontal. He would be. In this scenario, yeah. In this scenario, he might be lying on the ground and letting his boner air out. I don't know how boners work. Oh my god.
I love running. Journey with me. Okay. And imagine this scenario of a sex rebel. Hot.
Yes. And how to fuck good. That's pretty, that's really good.
Their death by the firing squad at the hands of the government, blindfolded, looking so hot, whispers their last goodbye to the people that they have instructed in the art of pleasure. And in one final blast of orgasm matter, they perish from this earth. And in that gasp of death, a revolution begins and a fire is lit.
Wow, my God, Brennan, that was powerful. No questions from me. None. That was great. Ali.
I just have to say that one straight man's scary, dystopian future is one lesbian's actual literal past. My answer is 1950s love. I go back to the 1950s when gay people could not have sex. I'm a closeted gay woman.
I make friends with the other woman who smokes outside when her children go to school. And we're like, hey, we get to know each other. And then we're like, this is more than a good friendship. We start hooking up, we fall in love with each other. We fall in love. People find out about it.
They're going to ruin us. They're gonna take our kids away. Our husbands are furious.
We're hiding in a garage in our final moments together. It's a double murder-suicide, but we fuck first.
Did you see that? That got so loud. Did you? Did you see that coming? I did not.
Warner Brothers get at me for the screenplay. I have it. It's called Sex Rebel. I do think that is a beautiful story. And it does make me sad.
Which part, the part that it probably happened or the part that it happened? No, all of that. Maybe all of it.
We finally find the love of your life. So attracted to each other.
It's absolutely forbidden. Yes, yes. You wouldn't even think it's dangerous. If someone mentioned it, you would be offended that they even brought up homosexuality.
This is beautiful. But also very tragic and sad. We've had a lot of reoccurring themes here. Mine are not like yours at all.
Oh yeah, I was gonna say. You guys, you need to change your definition of sexy, clearly. That is naked models, boners. Out in the open. I appreciate that you went for the boner since the three of us aren't necessarily, that's not our first choice. But you are a nude.
So you're thinking that you will. I was like, what? So you're thinking that you will.
Guys, we've already gone past this idea. We don't need to go back. Okay, if you had something to say, you should have said it. We've moved on and we're done here.
All the boys. Powerful erection that it doesn't snap or bend. Right, that's another thing. And you count by a completely closed asshole. Guys, here's the thing. Yeah, there's no way. We've already moved on.
Raphael, will you please? Yes, with that introduction. Please flip over a car that's a skydiving boner.
Almost. Orgasm suffocation. This is very close to the five-dimensional orgasm. What? Very hard time. We got a lot of grief for five-dimensional orgasms. Well, it was your turn to get it. We didn't circle back. And then give you grief. Orgasm suffocation. Ooh, Lord. Okay, this is, it's two people, and they're engaged in the ancient, yeah. And so they're doing that. So what happens here is that your partner is receiving so much pleasure from you, specifically. Great. That they lose control. They accidentally murder you. And that's how you die. In this scenario, I deliver one premium-quality orgasm. Yes.
For my trouble, I am met with murder manslaughter. Or murder in the second degree. How do you plan on this person getting murdered?
Okay, so I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna be honest with you. If it's me, it would be, this sex talk is really making me, okay. I know. So if it's me, it would be, it would be kind of like this. Sure. Just say it.
And they'll smash your face, and you suffocate there. You shouldn't be afraid of that. They don't smash your face, but when you're doing that.
This is wild. This is crazy. They're going so crazy.
You know, we need to record this, so you need to talk about it. Okay, but what happened in this scenario is they lose control of their body. Their legs. So you're in between their thighs, and then, yeah. This is your head. This is the leg. So you see how you can get choked?
Like, this woman, she has very powerful legs. That's what attracted you to her in the first place. Yeah, she's got great legs. Yeah, they're also very good. I was like her hip flexors. Her ability to close her legs, it's very attractive. Yeah, because you were like, oh, is she, is she, so she's very selective, because she can open the, she opens them up just for you.
Like, this is like, wow. Oh, boy, thank you. Okay, so. This happens, it happens, it happens, my God. I think it's, I think it's sexy. Yeah, clearly, you can barely say it. All right.
Do you see it as a choking, as a long asphyxiation, or do you see it as my skull is cracked in half? I go with the suffocation as a suffocation.
Because, yeah, because it's hotter. And then, you know, your mom gets an open casket. That's nice.
All right, and we're back. Sorry, you guys couldn't hear that one.
That was too sexy. Everyone, I have an extremely sexy idea.
You're at home, it's relax time, okay? So you're just watching TV.
You think, you know what, clothes are restricting. I'm gonna take off my clothes. You take off your clothes, and you're a very hot person.
A fire starts, a fire, okay? And so you call the 911, hello, fire, and who are the people that come? Firemen, all men, it's important for the story. All men, firemen, come out to your apartment.
And, uh-oh, there's no water in the building. So, no water in the building? No water in the building, no water outside.
Water main gone, truck empty of water. Yeah, truck empty.
But here, this very hot, sexy person is naked and on fire. What are we gonna do? Oh, is this you? Your person is on fire. You are on fire. Okay, okay. At this point, the flames have spread to your body.
Firemen get there, they arrive, uh-oh, there's no water. Then they remember. That's on them. They remember something. Come is mostly water.
They've got boners. You got that? They've got boners. Because here's the thing, they're looking at a hot person. Even though you're on fire, you're still hot. They can tell. So, they got boners. They come all over you to get out the flames. Hot. So, they're coming all over you.
The flames go out. You die of smoke and pollution. I don't know. So, wait. In other words, the fire completely extinguished. I died hours later in the hospital from smoking.
Weezing. Yes, hard firemen. I would argue that this is the sexiest life, but what actually compromises the death in this scenario is wheezing in a hospital bed from smoke damage to your heart. Again, covered in the calm of dozens of screams. That's hot. Covered in the...
Yeah, but that's not the death. That's not how you die.
If you burned to death, then it would be the sexiest death because something sexy was happening to you. I'm sorry, yours is murder suicide. Yeah? I'm sorry. Your guys' organ. You're dying. This includes death, the fire! Okay, what, do you want them to choke on the cum? My God, sure, that's how they die. That's how they kill you. That's tragic. So the firemen in trying to save me have clogged my respiratory system? Yeah, but that much, that actually makes sense. Okay, that's how you die.
Okay, I'm on board now. Okay, are we on board now? Yeah, I'm on board, I'm on board.
I'll just full of cum. Now it is time to eliminate and rank. Brennan, I turn to you first. Which one of these do you think belongs in the top three? This is an answer that I wasn't sold on when it was first presented. Yes. But its potency is undeniable. I have changed my mind and come around on Skydive. Wow. Oh my God! Allie, I turn to you. Gonna have to go with five-dimensional organs. Yeah, that one's pretty good. Raphael, your turn. I'm gonna go with 1950s love. Excellent. Now it is time for me to rank these.
At this time, I invite you to toss aside the ones that have not been chosen. Dramatically, please. Toss it as dramatically. Somebody's gonna have to clean it up. Just do it, okay?
In third place, we have Skydiving Boner. Okay, that was very fair of you. In second place, we have 1950s Love. It was a little sad.
And in first place, five-dimensional orgasm because I can't imagine it. It would be so extreme. I can't imagine how sexy that would be.
Something so unknown winning a popularity vote is very funny to me. Yeah. We have no idea what this means. What the fuck is this? Yes. That makes it sexy.
We've done a fantastic job. Thank you for watching. This has been The Rank Room.
Tune in next time and we'll answer another of life's most important questions. Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you wanna subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_224_The_Hilltop_Hoods | Today this is basically a local act we're interviewing because as the crow flies, Adelaide is our closest capital city. That's how far west we are here in Channel Country of Queensland. A lot of people consider Adelaide the big smoke. We kind of have that Broken Hill kind of energy out here. Not a lot of people know that, do they? No, we haven't gone... Brisbane, Sydney, but it's Adelaide for us. We aren't as depraved as Broken Hill by going on Adelaide time, but we consider our selves kindred spirits.
And today, they say don't meet your heroes, and I've done it a few times and they've disappointed. I guess Scotty Cam called me a fuckwit when I ran into him. Into the Story Bridge Hotel there, he didn't like it. I tried to get a selfie in the urinal, apparently that's a no no. Anyway these guys, I feel like they've been in the game long enough to understand that some fans are probably a bit intense and as Joyride said to us, sometimes it's like a puppy, your puppy bringing you a dead pigeon.
You want to say thanks, but we don't need that. So we'll try our best to not be that puppy today as we interview for the first time ever on the Batoota Avenue radio show, The Hilltop Hoods, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having us, Scott.
Now, you guys are obviously big shots because you're all in the same city but zooming in from separate houses. We just can't stand each other's company.
Yeah, and I see you've got also that serious gaming chair going on there, Presh. I do, I do, well spotted.
What did you get on Twitch out there yelling at teenagers? Nah, I'm too old for Twitch, bro.
Well, you're certainly not too old, you guys. Things have not stopped. I would say you're probably looking at with these new songs and new work you've done, you're looking at the exact same kind of timelines and schedules and calendars that you would have had as early 20s stalwarts of the Adelaide hip hop scene. You guys are moving and gigging like anyone.
In fact, does it feel like you're ramping up? No. By Friday, yeah, and on a Monday, I'm ramping down on a Monday. I think it's the same except with kids. Yeah, right. That's the difference now and so you're twice as tired all the time. Yeah, and the kids with you? We sound out and slow down. Just used to being sleep deprived all the time now. Yeah, that's the thing about going from touring to parenthood, you train for it.
I want to hark back because as we would all know, and you guys can take a lot of credit for this, seeing Australian music, Australian hip hop be able to spread its wings and tangent off in all these different kinds of scenes that we're seeing now, I want to talk about it. I'm looking at, there's something going on that there's an actual wave in Ipswich right now. You know what I mean? A specific thing happening in Ipswich, all of a sudden these lads out there, we all know what's happening in Western Sydney. We all know what's happening all over the place. Melbourne's got their own thing going on.
You guys hit the ground running when that wasn't as evident. I mean, social media that probably were these scenes, but not everyone knew unless you were in those monocultures. What was it like on the front line of kind of taking this stuff on stage to mainstream audiences?
Well, before it went to mainstream audiences, it was just a lot of rooms full of men. Yep. Just room after room of men. And the shift came when there were also women.
It was a very different thing, but you can see the sort of same energy that was like around 20 years ago, around obese records and stuff like that. You can see the same energy coming out of Western Sydney because they seem to have like a real community and overlap and, you know, sort of a common trajectory sort of thing.
It's really interesting to watch. It's really fun to watch. They made such better videos. Technology these days, quite incredible.
These guys are spewing. They didn't have the flares and the valleys on. The dirt bikes.
What did the community look like 25, 30 years ago? I mean, aside from all the men, the one thing that would come to mind when you think about, you know, the front line, you guys are out there forging this scene with a lot of other people. And I know you guys acknowledge that.
All we can really remember is a lot of publicans who are really pissed off that their bathrooms got coated in graffiti. At one point there were no heritage like listed hotels that will allow rap music in their venues.
So that wasn't actually a problem. There was a stage where they put the price of beer up for every tag in the toilet. That was like 20 bucks a scanit.
Yeah. Tagging the toilets, the fifth element of hip hop. That is one thing I want to talk about. It seems like, and I know this isn't unique to Australia, but there was a crossover with graffiti and hip hop in Australia. Were you guys out there putting up panels? Was that kind of where you guys spiraled out of where you, you know, checking out the cameras? I tried once and it looked like a five year old dropped their crayons on the carriage and I sort of stopped and stuck to rapping. Not that I was very good at that either back then, but I was better at it. Yeah.
As graffiti artists, we made very good rappers and we weren't very good rappers. So that tells you how bad we were at graffiti. When you look at some of your early stuff, there's a feeling with the Hilltop Hoods that you guys actually had decided amongst yourselves that we get to dictate where this whole thing goes. And I look back at songs on your earlier albums, like the Sentinel, where you've done like this storytelling, where it was almost like a short film that we were, we were listening to. So not only are a lot of people discovering Australian hip hop, we're also discovering these guys that are doing whatever the fuck they want with it.
Was there a feeling of that? Was there a feeling of we can do anything we want?
There was no kind of template for you guys. Yeah. There was a bit of a template. Yeah. I mean, there were the guys I remember before us, like Death Wish Cast and Locally sort of cruise our finger looking good and that. But I mean, we were just doing it for fun, so there was no template. And if there was, we were kind of unaware of it because we were kids when we started. Yeah.
When you look back, there wasn't a career in music. So like, it makes sense now, but back then it wasn't a thing. So you weren't worried about anything really, because it wasn't a thing. When did that realization start happening for you? When was it like, oh, actually this could be a thing?
Yeah. Maybe. When they started playing us already. Yeah. What a rich tapestry you're painting there, Pete. No, I want to talk about when you guys said we're in on this. This isn't just a weekly piss up. This is what we're going to be doing for the rest of our lives. When did you feel that? Yeah.
There was definitely a moment when Nosebleed came in at seven or eight on In The Hottest 100 and Splendour In The Grass asked us to play, I think, fairly late time slot. And we got up in front of our first big festival crowd ever and had a good time with it. And we were like, oh yeah, maybe we could keep doing this for a bit longer. I saw a photo of that the other day. Our jeans are so big. Oh yeah. The boot cuts.
I was like, are we going camping in your pants? I was like, yeah, we're going camping.
I guess when I was in tackies. You were in trackies. I was still wearing the same pants. In tackies.
When we talk about this, we interviewed James Raine and he, I mean, he's not from, he's not from the same part of the world you guys are from, but he always points to Adelaide for their scene. They always point to it, particularly with Pub Rock. They're kind of looking at all of these 10 pound poms that came out of Elizabeth and Look at this local knowledge.
This is amazing. Yeah. I mean, I, you know, of course you've got the Barossa dutch Germans and, and all the serial killers. But like the thing that we talk about is Adelaide, for whatever reason, it's an engine room. Can you explain that? Is it the fucking churches? Did they all give you a guitar as 10 year olds? I don't know what is happening in Adelaide because I'll tell you what, mate, you're two new castles on top of each other. That's what it is. We got chiseled. Yeah. I mean, like, Fonzie, Fonzie, Chisel, Fonzie, Barnsy, Guy Sebastian. Yeah. Just pumping them out. No, that's what I do want to ask.
Is there a feeling of a scene in Adelaide regardless of what genre of music it is? Because is it the fringe thing? What's happening there?
Because we look at some of our biggest acts of all, in some way, got some sort of link to down there. I mean, even INXS did their time down there. To be serious for one second, Adelaide has always had a really good history of nurturing the arts to come up. And we're lucky enough to be on the end of some grants in our early days as well.
Oh, really? They helped us out because we were too broke to print and press our own records back when you used to make physical vinyl. Yeah. We still do. I want to ask you about those days in the record labels where everyone's working together because, you know, someone's come through. Were you all on the line there? Were you all packing merch as well for, you know, each other? Were you guys, is that how it worked? Was it really kind of tied rising together within the scene? Yeah, man, you get a local hip-hop show and people would be trying to sell you their mixtapes and their merch and we're busy putting stickers on the front of our own vinyls and printing like cassette covers on our parents, like three-color printers, like old-school shit. But for sure, yeah.
And does it now feel like you have a much more refined, how would you say, streamlined operation? I want to talk about making this new music that you're kind of going to be touring around the country. What is different? Like, I know you can answer that in probably one sentence, but what is different?
Do you all have a place you link up? Do you all have a format, a template that you work to now when you want to make new music as opposed to drinking like eight long necks of Cooper's draft and smoking ten pones? How do you keep the magic alive?
If you mentioned Farmers Union iced coffee, you've got a researcher on the team. Farmers Union, you probably know this stat, but Farmers Union iced coffee is a bizarre anomaly in the Australian beverages.
I drink two litres every day. Well, you're contributing to these stats, mate. There's two places in the world where Coca-Cola isn't the number one non-alcoholic beverage. One of them is Scotland, where they have their iron brew, and the other one is South Australia, Adelaide, where it is Farmers Union iced coffee is your number one, which is pretty hectic because I can't imagine drinking two litres of that on a work site, but they seem to do it. You would have the same amount of sugar as Coca-Cola, too, I'd imagine.
It's got more. Yeah, yeah. It's got more.
And, actually, those bottles they do, it's kind of similar shape to an orchi, so if you are making music as a burgeoning, emerging Australian hip-hop artist, you can kind of cut off a bit of hose and rip a few rompers through it, and then that's where the magic starts. Is it different? That's what I want to ask. Is it different nowadays, and how is it different when you guys make music? Me and P actually did that once with the Farmers Union iced coffee bottle. Remember, P?
We realised, after about five minutes, that we'd been smoking plastic through. It had burned right through, we were just cooking plastic. In our defence, we were hiding under my parents' balcony in the dark, and we were like, it's not forever. And then we came up into the light, and we were like, yeah, we've been smoking plastic for the last time.
I guess the main thing is we don't do it in the same room, really. We just finished our new single, By The Way, which name checks Batuda. Oh, damn. It's really good. I wrote it in there, and a day later, our publicist was like, Batuda, I want to do it into you. And I'm like, no. Really? Hang on. I'm trying to find the bit. Where is it? Damn, there we are. That's more for our legacy than the Wikipedia whatever, you know? We've got the Prime Minister of Australia to launch one of our books in Parliament House. Obviously, as you know, that's such a hollow fucking moment and milestone for us. The real deal is getting name checked in a fucking hood song.
Does it feel like that? I mean, we're not talking politics here, but do you feel like there is a push coming out of the pandemic to get everything back open? Do you feel that, or do you think everyone's still dragging the chain with shows and just the kind of culture that you guys live off, and a lot of people do in this country? I mean, within the music industry circles, absolutely, there's a big push. Obviously, for obvious reasons, but yeah, I think most people want to go back to whatever the new normal looks like as soon as possible.
Yeah. Are you guys rusty? Are you going to be puffing on stage? What's going on? Well, I did get pretty fat during the first year of the pandemic, and I spent the next year working it off, so hopefully not. Is that because of all the information you were taking in on YouTube? Exactly.
I was looking down by it. Man, literally, our first rehearsal was pretty grim, wasn't it, Pete? Well, I had to throw it under the bus, Matt, but you were looking your lyrics up on... I was looking on Rap Genius, because I was looking up Hilltop Hoods on Rap Genius trying to figure out what those lyrics mean again.
And also sitting there going, is that right? Did I write that? Because they get it wrong often, and it might end up this thing where I just read off there, and then it becomes real, I guess.
Live shows forever change because of the traffic. I mean, you guys have the power to do that, where you can actually just change the meaning of stuff. Nosebleed Sections is a good example of that. For anyone in this country under the age of 50 now thinks that the nosebleed section is the mosh pit. In the first five words of that song, for my people in the front in the nosebleed section, you kind of rapidly changed the course of the English language forever.
But I want to talk about the fact that you guys are the first, and Briggs has said this to us, so we're not gassing you up. He said it when talking about the industry and the scene. You guys are basically the first, well, you are the first to do stadiums.
And with that, you kind of have a fan base that you played such a big part of, a big role in their lives. How does that feel when you meet those guys? Because I know you look at people like, I mean, comedians, for example, that we've interviewed over the years, people come up to them and just, you know, it's a very tricky conversation. Paul Kelly would get this a lot. Every single bloke or, you know, woman who bails up Paul Kelly's kind of basically wants to say, oh, yeah, by the way, that song you sang is exactly my life. How do you deal with that kind of not so much fandom, but, you know, that influence you've had on people or that serious kind of cog you've played in their life and they've, you know, personal development or is it all love?
You just go, go, Hey, man, here's a selfie. Woo. We're out.
I think it's just, you know what, it's just best not to think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're lucky that we've got, like, most of our fans are pretty, when you meet them on the street, pretty nice people. We're lucky in that regard every now and then, but like over the years, we've tried to curate, uh, an audience basically that isn't fuckwits and isn't all men doing graffiti. Yeah, that's very important. Social media stats would say otherwise, but I sometimes get people to come up and be like, you know, I've been listening to music for a long time and I've passed it on to my children and I'm like, shit, I'm really sorry about that and I start interrupting them. Do you have any random pockets of fans, like say Germany or places like that? Yeah, like we exactly Germany, Germany, Germany. Yeah.
Cause Silverchair really struggled to explain the Brazil thing. You know, the Silverchair was Brazil.
They think it came down to some sort of a distribution deal that Australia had in the nineties that sent a lot of CDs and promotion that way. But you know, people have their fans around the world. Some artists pop in Spain.
Do you reckon Germany is your spot? Is that your biggest numbers overseas? Yeah. Yeah, I mean Britain as well, but probably Germany a little bit over in. It's cause they can see the Barossa influence. I think that's what it is.
A lot of Germans around here, a lot of Germans, Hahndorf, a lot of Germans. There is a lot of Germans.
And do they sing the lyrics back to you in English or like, do they get it? What the fuck's going on, man?
They speak German in Germany. Once it, once again, I've got to just compliment you on the research on this program. They speak German, German.
We've got fact checkers on there. You know what it is? I, I've spoken about it before.
I think it's like, you know, when, when we go to Western countries, Canada or US, a lot of people weren't bothered by the accent, but some of them just kind of get past it. And when, when we go to Europe and play in like Switzerland or Germany and that where English is their second language, they're less bothered. They're less affected by it because it's just English rather than English with an accent or whatever.
But it is funny. I was saying to someone the other day when we were in New Zealand. Depending on where you go to the Hilltop Chant before the show in like in Germany, it's Hilltop, Hilltop, in like New Zealand it's Hilltop, Hilltop. Yeah, right. Like everywhere, it's got like the accent, which is fun. It's really fun.
And speaking of accents, it's so South Australian for you guys to say Chant. How do they chant in France? You say bravo or bravo? You've just done Hobart. You guys are touring the country.
Is there any, is there any plans to do it all again? Do the whole entire world? Go every single place in the world with children in tow?
I don't know about taking the kids. They've got to get an education. I mean, we all went to school with a kid that's like, I spent two years in Malaysia and they'd had a great life experience, but they can't read.
Yeah. They have a strange accent. Yeah. They're watching too much TV. Yeah. They've got like a, yeah, they've got a Ronny Chieng accent.
I noticed there's a week in between kind of each show on the tour up here. Cause that's just allowing for a pop back home, do everything and then just fly out on a Saturday night. I'd like to take it easy when we're on tour. You know what I mean? Just soak up and take our time and enjoy it. Yeah. See all the sights again?
Bit different to when you do 10 nights back to back at the Gov. But, uh, no, we did a gig at the Gov. They bumped us from the entertainment center for our live show. They were like, man, block parties in town. You're not selling out anything bigger than the Gov. Get in there. And we're like, okay, wow. Gov's a great venue though. Yeah, it was great.
We got pissed as hell in the green room. And it actually, it was coated in, um, Hill Dop Hood's paraphernalia out the back.
So for some reason, yeah, yeah. Or your graffiti. So we've got, uh, Brisbane Entertainment Center. Fuck. These are Kanye venues, man. We've got obviously, uh, how do you say that word?
Kudos. Kudos, Bank Arena in Sydney. Rod Laver Arena. Damn. I thought you'd be playing Margaret Court and RAC in Perth. And of course, Finishing Strong, 24th of September here, Adelaide Entertainment Center.
Do you feel that when you come back home? Is the love like kind of a little bit more frantic at home? Is it a little bit more real? Yeah, it is a bit. It's nice to be ending at home as well.
Just like, just with flashcards? Just getting rid of buzzwords. You know what?
I think the Adelaide show is not going to go too well because everyone's going to be pretty unhappy when they find out that it's on grand final day. Ooh, damn. No, they're going to be pretty sloppy, man. That's got to be... They have just announced that that's going to be a daytime grand final, though. So it won't clash with the time of the show. The Crows will have just won. They'll have won their first grand final for a long time, and then they'll be into hilltop straight after that. So it'll be happy days. It could be the loosest gig you ever, ever play. Yeah, I think it's going to be awesome. We probably should wrap this up.
We've made 35 minutes of local Adelaide references. We've gotten to learn the early origin stories of the Hilltop Hoods, and they saved a lot for the book. I'm glad for that, because we will all be reading the book, too, when it comes out. But there's another chapter that's taking place this month.
As we just mentioned, they're going to every major city, including Perth, which is really generous. We will be making the trip to Brisbane, all Sydney, to see him.
So thank you for joining us today. The Hoods, pioneers, stalwarts, and currently ball runners in a scene that's only exploding. Thanks for having us, guys.
Frog cakes. You didn't mention frog cakes. Yeah, that was my wedding cake.
Thanks for joining us, lads. We'll see you next time. |
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