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dropout | what_s_really_soap_at_your_nana_s_house | Hello, everyone, and welcome to the College Humor Podcast. I'm your host, Allie Beardsley.
Joining me today, I have three wonderful coworkers of mine. Dare I say my three favorite?
Honestly, sorry to everyone else, we've got a great show for you. If you're watching this on Discord, thank you so much for supporting us. If you are watching this on Discord, someone's put a link on there to Dropout, which is probably where you're watching it. Thank you for supporting Dropout, honestly, it's giving us all a job, having a great time. You two are currently working around the clock on a Dropout thing, right? Yeah, we're working on a show, we can't say what it is, but it's Dropout stuff, and we literally stepped away from it five minutes ago, and we're going right back to that one.
I think I just saw Jess answering email on her phone, and then on your watch. I don't want to talk about the watch, but you brought it up, so now I got a show. Anyway, we're all hard at work. We're not sponsored by Apple yet, someone reach out. Today's show is sponsored by Disney.
Okay, who are you? How about you introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Denise. Hi.
And I do makeup, and I definitely feel like we were saying, I definitely feel like a football player at a press conference. Yeah, because you're in a suit that you didn't pick out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you're thanking God first. Yeah, all of us, I would say, probably have to thank God first before we introduce ourselves. Let's start down there. Well, thank God for College Humor, and for this opportunity, but I am Shane Crown, and I am a producer here.
I've been in sketches, and I'm actually, but what I'm usually doing is crunching numbers. Cool. I eat numbers. Do you hear those numbers, crunch?
I would say maybe my favorite character you've ever played was, and I'm sure you know who it is, the delivery guy. Yeah. That was my favorite one to do. Yeah, Cajun delivery guy? Can we get a taste of that?
Go ahead. Oh, go ahead.
Oh. Oh, something about out of here. Oh, Raphael. Raphael.
Where you going to go, going all down? Sorry, everybody in New Orleans, sorry, Nautilus.
Denise was there when I developed that voice, because I got a call the morning of that whoever was going to play that character couldn't do it for whatever reason. So last minute, I had to step in, and I was like, I can't do a Cajun accent at all. And clearly from the final video, I still can't do a Cajun accent, but I was pacing back and forth in this room, trying to get the accent right, and Denise was doing hair and makeup on that sketch, and was just giving me notes.
It's really an all hands on deck kind of work atmosphere. You were also responsible for a lot of props, I think. One of my favorite things, I looked down, and we had a bunch of fake books, and one of them was called Cooking Without Looking. Was that you?
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sometimes when we can't afford to get somebody to do it, I end up having to make the books. I love it. All right. Yep.
Jess, you checked an email. No, I checked an email. What are you talking about?
I'm Jessica. Who would you like to thank? Oh, God first. Then my family, my mama. Mama, this is for you.
But I'm a production coordinator with College Humor, and yeah, I just scheduled the shoots for whether it's Shane or Frankie, who people think is Emily Axford in most videos. And I make sure that people get fed and that they get paid, and then sometimes I'm in sketches too.
Yeah, you are. Yeah. All of you have been in stuff, right? Yeah. You were in Total Forgiveness. Yes, actively. You were in other stuff. I hear not. You had a full scene. Yeah. You did my gorgeous hair. Yeah, I was tricked. Oh. I'm, guys, I'm not here because I want to be. Wow.
I will just point out, I have hung out with Denise so often, and you always find a way to say that, that you are not there voluntarily, even at my birthday party. That's because I'm tied. I'm literally tied to your death.
Yes. That cord is long and it's retractable. You, Adam. You can. You know what? I'm going to retract the cord right now.
Denise is the dog of College Humor. Denise is on a no choke leash because I am humane.
All right, well, in typical College Humor podcast fashion, we have a few things to get to. What should we start with? We've got a rejected sketch. We've got some questions. We've got a game. Denise, it's up to you since you're so upset that you're hanging out with me. Let's start, let's start with the sketch.
All right. Let's get up to it. I like that. Okay. Great.
Everyone, we've printed out some sketches. We'll just treat this like a normal writer's room. So usually when you bring in a sketch, right now I would love to say a bunch about this sketch, but instead I'll just let us read it and we'll figure that out together. From the read. Yeah, exactly.
I'll cast it. Shane, would you mind playing my Nana? I will play your Nana.
Great. And Jess, would you read stage? I'll read stage. I read the first sentence and I was like, already one big word that I can't pronounce.
Here we go. Sometimes Nana changes to grandma. Shane, I don't want you to get confused. Okay. So I'm Nana and Grandma. I call her both. Just kidding. She died. I'll just do two different voices. All right. Love you, Shirley. Oh, Shirley. Okay. Ready?
Oh, what's really soap at your Nana's house? Interior, cutesy grandma bathroom day, sound effects of flushing, at the sink as a cornucopia.
Ooh, good job. Oh, thank God. Thank God.
Oh, fancy soaps, candles and lace. A lot of smells here. Honey, please don't use the decorative soaps. Everything looks decorative.
Thank you. Come on now. We've got to go to the pressed flower festival. We ride out. Nana putters around.
Allie inspects the soaps and picks up a delicate rose-shaped soap. The second the rose touches water, it becomes a gross brown, green, red clump. The roses were a gift from your granddad. Rest his soul. Oh, no. Allie attempts to fix the rose.
Makes it worse. It's Nutella now. No, no, no, no. Grandma, where's the soap I'm allowed to use?
Next to the sink in that bowl. Allie looks down and everything is in bowls. Tons of bowls, each filled with seashells, pearls, beads, buttons and gems. Everything is in bowls.
Allie spots a plain bar of soap. Oh, thank God. Careful. Some of those are candles. We see the bar of soap has a wick. It's a candle.
What? Allie grabs a cute bunny-shaped soap. It crumbles everywhere. I've had that bunny since your mom was born. Allie freaks. She tries a butterfly-shaped soap. It turns to sand. What the fuck? That butterfly was the only thing I saved from our houseboat fire.
Allie's hand hovers over a swan-shaped soap. I got that swan at a taping of Sally Jessie Raphael. Allie turns the swan to reveal it's wearing a tiny red-framed glasses.
What the fuck? It's a collector's item. Then why is it in the bathroom?
Let's get a move on. All the heavy books might be gone. I'm coming.
Allie opens a tin labeled soap, and it's filled with scarves. She frantically pulls at the scarves for a few beats and finds a used bar of soap. She washes her hands. I keep the dog soap in the scarf's tin, so don't use that.
So real? Allie's hands are covered in dirty fur. Whatever.
She pushes through the towels. Hands off the guest towels. Gorgeous decorative towels line the walls.
I won't.
Allie pivots and dries her hands on the shower curtain. Did you see my gown for the annual Daughters of the Revolution ball? Wait a minute. Reveal it's a gorgeous dress hanging over the shower. The dress is ruined. The bathroom is a mess. Grandma walks in.
Oh my. Nana, I'm sorry. I can fix all of this. Oh, sweetie. Don't worry about it. No, I ruined all your beautiful, delicate things.
Light change, dark and mysterious. I do it on purpose. I'm old. An old woman of fancy decorative soaps that they know will be ruined. After the first use, it's symbolic. Things start out beautiful, shaped like a swan or a rose, but the tragic passing of time turns them into a mushed blob. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Allie is trying to track the logic.
Wow. I had no idea this was all so deep.
So the seashells are old homes of living things that have passed away. And the pieces are tossed around in the waves by.
No, I just think those are cute. Yay. Vamish. So that was my first sketch I ever wrote here. That's so funny. It was not made.
The first thing I think is we have half a day. We have ghosts for the message. We have half a day to get this stuff done. I think when you first got here, you didn't realize. That sounds like a day of everybody hauling ass. I'm trying to like.
All the setups and all the props that are going to be ruined. And yeah, yeah. It would have been a very complicated sketch to write. It also takes place in a house, like a bathroom. You're going from two to three. So I feel like we were also like, we rarely go on location shoots. But we would have had to find a house that we could ruin. Yeah, yeah, exactly. My first thought is like, can we knock out a wall of this bathroom to get the camera and get all the angles that we need? Yeah. It was like, OK, let's just do this in the break room.
And the grandma will just happen to have been here on a tour. And just the weird production logic of things that you have to bend over backwards to make something work. To make it a hardly working. Katie is the grandma.
Also, you have to be high to be washing your hands at your grandma's house. You go and you rinse your hands maybe. And then you run back outside and play.
It's true.
I mean, that's why I wrote this sketch is because I tried to use soap at my grandma's house and none of it was usable. It was all literally still in the shrink wrap and it had like a Ross sticker on it. And it was like, OK. This was like, that's why I was reading it. I thought it was so funny because I was like, oh my gosh. Every grandma has like too many towels hanging up.
And they're like, don't touch that one. Don't touch that one.
That was just for decoration. I'm like, what the fuck do you have it for? Then what can I use? Paper towels. There's always one like hand soap dispenser. But it's like hand sanitizer for some reason. And you're like, what the fuck?
I felt this one, like the ruining the bathroom and like all the delicate little things in there that you don't know what they're for. I related to that so much as I remember ruining one of my grandma's towels with like my acne medication. Wash my face and then dry. And it bleached like this very nice towel. And I remember feeling so bad about it.
And when you're in it's OK. When you're in the bathroom with that type of emergency, time stops. And you're just like, yeah. And the clock is ticking. And you can feel the cutest wet coming down.
Cut the red wire or the blue wire. I feel like in those situations, I always make it worse. Because I'm like, maybe I can use bleach to even it all out. And I'm not like getting it all over the place. You're like dumping bleach all over.
And somehow combust into flames. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck is going on? High stakes in like grandma's house situations. Oh my god. I just will cry in the bathtub.
My grandma was a mean motherfucker from Mississippi. We didn't have that issue. I had that with like older women in my family with the doilies and this and the that. But my grandma, yeah, I mean, I get it. But my grandma carried like a shotgun.
She was not buying seashells. She didn't have a bowl of seashells and then a bowl of pearls. You weren't breaking her shit over her.
She was like, that shotgun is the soap. That shotgun is the soap.
Be careful. This was clearly like an early sketch I wrote here. Because I can notice something that stands out to me is the Sally Jessie Raphael moment. It's just so like, what the fuck? Why? And like when I first started writing, I was like, oh yeah. Just like write something crazy that I think of. And it'll be a sketch. But like in the writer's room here, it's usually pushed like, so why did this tiny duck all of a sudden have Sally Jessie Raphael glasses on? And I'm like, because that's funny. OK, well, it kind of has to mean something or have to do with something.
Question. When did you learn that everything that's in that little brain of yours has to get made? Like at one point where you're just like, oh yeah, I'm going to cover myself in like honey and then invite ants and like come eat my ass out. And you're just like, Ali. Wait, what the fuck? Ali. I'm so lost. We got to make that happen. I got to go find some ants. Is it a question for all three of us?
No.
I got to go find some polite ants. What's a polite ant? Shane has to order honey, Ali.
I wrote a sketch. Yeah, yeah. I come to you guys. And yeah, well, we have like pre-pro meetings. And there is always a moment of like, yeah. So yeah, I did write that. Can you guys figure out how to do that? I need a trained stunt dog and then a woman who speaks French and sign language. And it's always with like, oh, no, sorry. It's always with like grant sketches where it's like, so you need to fuck a hamburger? And I was like, what is that point? And he's like, yeah, I do. I really need to fuck the hamburger.
I'm like, OK, I guess we got to make everyone watch that. It's always at the very end of the meeting. Like everybody's avoiding that part of the script. That's so funny. And then at the end, it's like, hey, so page three, whatever happened, see at the top of page three, there's something that happens here. How are we doing that? It is. It is at the very end. We'll just be quiet and like, OK, someone's got to say it.
It's a game of chicken to get somebody else to explain what it means of like, what were you imagining in this sketch is like what we'll ask the writers. It's also funny because like inside jokes will make their way into sketches. And then it's kind of like, because I remember we were making fun of the idea of Trapp wearing like a backwards taxicab driver hat. We were like, oh, Trapp would look so funny with that style, which is like a very like style for a certain type of person but not Trapp at all. And so Rekha wrote it into a sketch.
And then she had to kind of like stand behind why she wrote that. And I think it was that sketch that was like now's the time. Like, yeah, now's the time that I stand up. It became like part of this character.
Yeah, and so it kind of was like Rekha was like, yeah, well, that character might wear like a Kangol hat or whatever. Oh, yeah, that hat. And then they had to like buy two hats for the shoot day. Oh my god, that fucking Kangol hat.
I don't remember because it'll be like, oh, we need to get the can. And I'm like, who wrote this? I didn't even ask for one. It was just a throwaway joke, not even in like the dialogue.
And it became like true. Oh, I'm so glad I know the story behind the Kangol hat. I hope people notice it in the video. Because it does make its way in there a lot. Even if it's just sitting in the back.
I hope there comes a point where you guys have very little freedom. How dare you? Yeah, I'm going for it. And we actually like film the writer's pot because you guys are fucking hilarious.
And that has to be stripped away per script or per sketch. Some of it does. Because then we like step into like sketch mode. Yeah, so you step into sketch mode. You step into your writer's voice as opposed to your everyday, I'm a fucking horrible adult voice.
It's hilarious, guys. These guys are very funny. We kind of did that a little bit in total forgiveness because we had some writer's pod stuff in there. But yeah, more of that like behind the scenes of like what it looks like when we're all just like sincerely laughing about the dumbest fucking thing.
Grant's scream singing for no reason. He's just like, all right, I'm a trained singer. And then he starts singing the national anthem. Just hearing Grant laugh at something from across the office, like we're all doing work. And just hear Grant thinks of something funny randomly during the day on his computer.
Nobody else is there.
Oh, that's funny.
Oh, my god. Sounds like he's going to take off in the space. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like slowly put my headphones on. Like, get back to the budget. Oh, my god. Interesting. It's so funny. Yeah, I do.
This is my first. This is my, well, like maybe my second sit down.
With just me being the star, and we're talking about fucking Grant. Well, yeah, let's talk about you, Denise. Ooh. Let's talk about you. I like it. What do you like? What do you do? What do you really have to say about all the top franchises with a legal team that gets to us?
Yeah. First of all. You guys, and you know who I'm talking about, semi-free shit. That's true. If you're on makeup.
We need honey, we need ants. We need ants.
I've got my ass. So we got a third. So why are you really bringing your butt hole? I mean, we're good to go. You need a second ass. Yeah. What? How many asses are we putting in this? Can you budget this? We need a stunt ass.
We don't have one. We don't have one for the asses.
Grant has shown his ass so many times on camera. I'm not trying to bring Grant. Grant. I'm just saying.
Remember the CH Purge when he fucked the melon? And he was fighting to make sure his ass could be in shot. He was just like, I need to have my butt on camera.
Yeah. There was a legal process. Yeah.
Do we show this? Can we show this?
Well, that's what's crazy, too, is the legal team will come back and be like, we can't do that. And you're like, that's the whole joke. Then what's the sketch? Who is this legal team?
I've never seen them. I don't know.
It's one person. I'm calling you out. Listen, legal team. No. We're like, hit me up on the Instagram. That's where I get crazy.
Makeup to legal.
I'm going to meet you halfway. I'm going to beat you up.
Legal is relatively cool when it comes to the things that we do in the videos. I'm often very surprised at what slips by and finding out that they like, oh, you saw that and you were OK with it? Great. Yeah. I'm thinking that they probably didn't. I really do. I think that they just kind of like, these are really smart people. It's a numbers game. And they just kind of like, that's their way of having fun, because they're always busy. So you just kind of like, they have like an office pool of what goes and what. And they're just like, approve that. Yeah. Don't approve that. Well, there's a bunch of puppet masters behind the curtain. Yeah, we've just been watching them. They've been playing us. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. They're in New York, right?
I don't even know. They're in Tallahassee. I don't even know anything. I watch them being like, Minnesota. We're like, wait, do you even watch the videos?
Yeah. You've done makeup for a lot of comedy, right? Oh, yeah. We're not the onlys. Yeah.
Buzzfeed.
I've had a couple of brushes with Funny or Die. We've done some Funny or Die stuff, but not directly with them. When I say we, I mean me.
Yeah. Oh, wait. You have a team, though, right? I feel like I'm always seeing my babies. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do have a team.
I try to keep it local. My Jed from South Central LA. We keep it super gangster in here.
I would say he's very hard. He's scary. He's a hard nut. They call him a local macadamian.
Oh, OK. Ooh, a sexy little sexy treat. Yeah, I try to, and I am very protective, which I don't think I really said to you guys, but I say it to the producers all the time. I'm very protective of the cast. I am like a fucking Tigris mixed with a bear, mixed with a gangster. Mm-hmm. I'm picturing it.
Can we have Coswell?
Denise, how high are you?
Can we have Coswell? There's three ants in your asshole right now. What? Coswell!
Where are you?
We'll draw something up. Cut to a picture of what Denise just described.
Mixed with a bear and a gangster. Oh, my fucking gosh. Yeah, but we, I think of this show as, I don't know if we, so we can't say brands, fuck. A variety, a very popular variety show that comes on the day before Sunday. Mm-hmm. Shout out, Eggo. Wow.
There you go. Yeah. But it's a poor man's that, and the stuff that comes out of you guys' brains, I am like super happy to be a part of. Yeah. Because it keeps me on my toes. Yeah. And we don't have any money to like, I'm whipping this stuff up in my kitchen. Yeah. In the kitchen here, we're whipping things up. There's like a bowl of blood in there right now. Yeah, totally.
I'll come in, and just from context clues, I'll figure out which sketch is being shot. Like I'll come in in the morning and be like, which one is this?
Okay, there's a cake. There's a duplicate cake that's melted.
And then there's a bat. A table of noses. All right, yeah, yeah. There's a table of noses, and there's a bird wrangler. I guess the bird is in use currently. The bird is in use. The bird has been invited to set.
That's my favorite thing. In film stuff, someone will come and invite you to set, which I think is very sweet. That's a sweet way of saying go do your fucking job. We'd like to invite you to set. As though you could be like, I'm busy. I have a question. How was the bird invited to set if none of us speak bird?
Is that it? When did you feel, so this is your first, one of your first sketches. When did you feel like, okay, I'm home, I know what the fuck I'm doing, I know what's popping in these streets. Yeah. I'm good now.
I think I wrote this sketch, and everyone laughed and thought that it was really funny, but then ultimately they were like, I don't know if that many people have experienced a really pristine grandma bathroom, and also we would need a house, and also we would need all these exotic props and an old woman. So I think I was starting to kind of picture, and then my next sketch that I wrote was Gay at a Sleepover, and that was more like, oh, we can cast the cast. And even though that took place in a house too. That killed, didn't it? Yeah, that was a really fun one.
We didn't need a grandma, though. We didn't need a grandma, but we did need a mom.
It was just ageist, really, why I wasn't able to make this sketch. People were like, old people are gross, and you can't make it. Old people are gross.
But you can also tell how old it is because I'm sheed in it constantly. I wrote myself very womanly, which was fun. And now when we read sketches all the day, sometimes there's like back-to-back day, and it's like, and they talk to them, and you watch everyone kind of like, okay, yeah, we're figuring this out. Well, that was a singular day, and that was a plural day, great, we're all writers. We're all writers, good, we know it. But it's also fun too, because the new writers came, and all their scripts for me have they.
So I'm like, did an email go out? I don't know. It was a post-it note in their welcome packet that I was like, by the way, at least no binary. They probably just watched the videos over and over and over again, and was just like, I need to make sure that I make that package meet. Tight. What would you say that that would, no, because that was your second sketch.
What was the moment where you're just like, yeah, I'm here? I think it was when I wrote Sleepovers When You're Gay that was like, oh, cool, everyone was really down for this.
It got green lit, because you pitch five sketches in the beginning of the week, two of them are picked for you to write. You write them, then you get notes on what you wrote, and then you find out if it was green lit or not. So this, I got assigned, I got rewrites on it. It wasn't green lit. And I was like, okay, it was really close. What should I change? And then wrote the next one. But yeah, it is like you have to learn what makes sense, and I'm sure for you guys, too, in producing, you could read a sketch and be like, I don't know if we'll make this. You know what we need in a sketch. If something is green lit, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be at the top of our list of things to make. Yeah, tell me about that.
What puts it at the top of the list? What makes it most executable?
A lot of times it's like the money we have in a month. If we spend a lot on a couple of sketches, then the next few are gonna have to keep the cost down. So not as much art, not as much wardrobe, not as much outside cast. Yeah, and things like that.
So sometimes it's like, I'm sure it's very mysterious to the writers. I know this is a great sketch. Everybody loved it. Why does it continue to be in the green lit pile and not get made?
And sometimes it's just that element of like, oh, it's in medieval times. It takes place in a bank vault. Yeah, it's literally at medieval times. Which we need to get the rights to.
I feel like, so there's this part where you write a sketch and then you realize production wise, you can't make it. But I've also been in the situation where I've written a sketch and then realized, I didn't want to act in it. Like I wrote one where it was like way too hot.
So like reggaeton music starts playing and we all become really sexy. And we're like dancing and we're like really sweaty. And we read it and it did well and it got green lit. But everyone's just like, us? We are weird. All of a sudden being like tank tops and like dancing in the office to like a hot beat. And we're like, interesting.
Like maybe a few of us or Grant certainly would be down for that. Grant would definitely take it. Can we all pull this off?
Yeah. I feel like, this may have been talked about on this podcast before, but I feel like Katie always brings that up as like, Katie will write something and be like, yeah, this is awesome. And then you're like, okay, Katie, we're making it. And then she'll be like, no. I have to do that.
You have to be bad at basketball or something. I don't want to play basketball at work. We're going to be shooting all day and you're going to be dribbling. Good luck.
Drenched in sweat. Yeah, having to be sprayed down with a spray bottle. Can you hear a voice now?
I hate this. Yeah. I hate this. I am.
So I was super excited because of that budget thing. And I think that what I, I guess I didn't notice that, but the point that you made, I was told very early on about Zach Oyama's Hot Zach, H-O-T-T, not Hot Zach. Zach Oyama's sketch where his jaw was going to fall off. That was green lit. There was a bunch of stuff happening. I was so excited. So excited that I took a whole class so that I can make this thing from scratch.
His jaw falling off and all this piece. Was it his nose, his mouth?
What the fuck? What is this? I don't know.
He's falling apart. Yeah. He's supposed to be like he's. Kind of like a fly. We may still make this. I don't know how much I can say about it, but it's like. Zach, come back. He's supposed to be like one of those scenes in like a sci-fi movie where somebody's injured and they're like healing them, that somebody's like healing them up, but it's like still very sexy, even though they're injured in like a war. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. And so he's like falling apart in the most disgusting way. Yeah, it's like that moment in movies where they're like suturing someone out and then they realize like they're into each other. But it's like him, but he's like actually falling apart. It's like, I'm gonna end you. Yeah, yeah. And it's the funniest script.
And it was something that like we were talking to Denise about for a very long time. Like before it was even, like I think it was green lit, but it wasn't in the schedule. Yeah, yeah, things have changed so much. I think Dropout has maybe influenced that a little bit. Even back then, I think that was maybe two years ago. It was two years ago, something like that.
But I mean, I don't, like I'm not sorry about it because I think Dropout is doing and will do so well. There's so much like new and interesting stuff to come. Oh, you mean with like big budget, like hey, let's see what happens when we have the budget for like a full show. Yeah, hopefully we can sort of drop back in and visit and like amp up some of the CHOs as well. Like every once in a while give them a payao with a CHO.
All of us dancing sexy. Dancing sexy.
That's gonna take a big budget. Yeah. Getting Zach back. We know how difficult he is and how much he costs. Yeah, Zach left because he asked for more money and everyone said no, so I'm kidding. Yeah, okay, let's move on. Our first game, it's up to you guys to guess.
We have a bunch of, we all hate click bait headlines, okay? They're always so misleading and crazy. So it lures you in and it never pays off. So this is a segment where Paul has picked out a whole bunch of click bait. Don't look at, no one look at the answers. A whole bunch of click bait headlines. You guys have to tell me what you think really happened in the actual article or the video, okay? Based on the click bait title.
You ready? Check on my eyes. Yeah, and take another shot. Tell me about the moment when you wanted to put a bunch of ants in your asshole. That was the most confusing question. I was like, is this base awesome? I wrote this sketch. Ready?
You're scrolling the internet. Here it is, the first headline. Old man climbs the roof every day. What strangers do to his house? It's gone viral. While he's on the roof?
It's up to you. What do you think? Wanna hear it again? Sure.
Old man climbs the roof every day. What strangers do to his house? It's gone viral. What if they were like throwing Frisbees on it every day? And he'd be like, we weren't throwing things intentionally to draw him up to the roof. So you can do something to his house. So you can rob his house. Climbs the roof every day. Are they lighting fires and he's peeing them out? That's a good guess. You don't leave that out of the clickbait article. They're like, he climbs the roof.
They do not leave with the people. Old man pisses on the American flag every day. In that voice, the American flag. These people.
Why is he climbing the roof? But I assume also he's climbing the roof because he's like a man. Also, how hard is it to climb the roof?
Women? Never climb the roof. Never. Never catch me. What is a roof?
You guys ready for the answer? I would love to hear an answer. Did you guess? I was with you.
They draw them up there. They draw them up there? Or they're doing the Christmas lighting.
Oh, how wrong you all are. He didn't pee it out. Are they unrelated?
The old man has been replacing the shingles on his roof for almost three months so the town decided to step in and help him. How many people? The town. So the strangers doing something to his house are people paying for his house?
Yeah. Okay. You know, it's one of those feel good click bait things. That makes it seem like a feel bad click bait. Yeah, exactly.
I want to be mad at somebody. They wanted you to think it's going to be bullied. No one's going to be satisfied in this equation. People who want the good story aren't going to click on the shitty viral headline. Yeah. And shitty people are going to get a good story and they're not going to like it.
Yeah, it's for nobody. It's for nobody. The internet is literally for nobody. No, it's for old people that think they can get away with having people fix their shingles.
I get it.
Do you think he was really hamming it up? He's like, oh, my body.
Also, my gutters can't clean them. I can't clean them.
Oh, I could use some groceries. Ah, I'm on paleo.
Remember? Okay, next one. Out of 10, I want you all to know. Let's get this clip along. We got work today.
All right. This man went blind because of... I thought it said Mickey Mouse. It doesn't. All right. This man went blind because of a mistake many of us make every day.
Q-tips. Not supposed to use them in your ears.
Whoa. That's a good guess. I'm going to guess he put in eye drops, but they expired. Ooh, that's a good one. You do that every day? I do.
I got some dry eyes, baby. I got some dry eyes.
Feel them. Come feel them.
Have you ever touched someone else's eyeball? I have. Isn't that weird? I had to put a contact in for my brother once. Wow. It was like a really hard jab. Oh, my God. It's gross. I didn't like it. It made me feel uncomfortable. You didn't like touching your brother's eyes? You've done it probably a lot, right? Oh, you're in contacts with other people's eyes? No. With the HMU or something weird?
Because you have to hire somebody. It's a very expensive day. You have to hire someone to come in who... And put in the color contacts or something?
Wow. That's insane.
There's a contact wrangler that comes from the eye doctor. And they happen to also be the bird wrangler, which is hard and scary. The birds put the contacts in. All of these birds with these QI colors. QI. Yeah, the bird is like popping. The bird has purple eyes.
And then when it's not purple, it's like it smells LSD. The bird smells LSD and Coachella.
Hey, you partying? All right, great. Okay, ready for the answer? Yeah, go for it.
I don't even know what you said. Sorry. The man wore his contact lenses continuously for up to a week at a time, including bathing, swimming, and sleeping in them. Yeah.
I was closest, kind of. You were closest.
Do I get a point? You do get a point. Let's keep track. Is that a story?
Somebody got paid to write that.
I used to wear my ship for like three months. Don't do me. Some you're allowed to. When you get contacts and you're a kid. Yeah. Now that we didn't have that technology at the time. I was just a dirty ass kid. You invented the technology.
I would go outside. I would run around. I'd smell like a dirty grasshopper. I'd come in. A dirty grasshopper. I'd pee or do whatever in the bathroom.
Rinse my hands. I would use the soap. Because, you know, whatever. Our soap in black houses are our little nub. They're like the shard. My mom uses it until it's at that little slit piece. It's a shard of Irish spring. I want to get up. That goes from the tub to the thing.
100%. Yeah. And I'm just like. Yes.
Do you guys ever have that thing? I know I'm not from a black house.
But where your mom dilutes the soap until it's water. And it's just shooting out at you. That's what my mom would do. My mom would cut open the lotion bottles and make sure to get the last bits in there. And I'd be like, mom, you can't like the plastic cut sheet. Or the toothpaste, too. You can cut off the back and the ears.
I love this. My dad told me that that's what wealth is, is when you stop having to do that. Really? That's so funny.
Shane's dad is a lawyer. I don't think he's a very good one. I'm finally rich.
I can throw away a shit ton of lotions. Throw it. Be gone.
All right.
Next up. Bye, Mr. Crown. I love him. It seemed like he's just walking his dogs.
When I looked closer, I was dumbfounded. What? Oh, my God. It was a little bit shocking. Oh, I know what this one is.
He's walking like a wombat or something. Like a cat or like a wombat. I love that you started with a wombat. If it's a wombat, you cheated. I think his dogs were walking him.
Oh, yeah. Which is really just like a state of mind. You guys are going to hate this one. I think it's going to be a child. Oh, no. Because you know how those children... I guess children are on leashes. Do you know that video of that girl running like a horse? There's that... No. There's a little girl that like...
Pull it up now. Are you kidding me? I'm jumping over the horse like hurdles and she's just running on all fours? I'm imagining that. Wow. So it looked like he was walking a dog, but really it was a young girl jumping hurdles as a horse.
You might be right. Hey, you might be right.
But actually it was a horse. But actually it was a little girl. All right.
Initially it seemed like the man in the video was just walking his dogs. But when you look closer, you will notice that none of the dogs are on a leash.
I hate this. I hate it. It's bad.
That's not news or anything. That one came. These are bad. Okay. You're the only one with a point thus far. Oh, wait. I didn't know points were involved.
Is this the competition? It is. And Jess is winning. We have four left. You guys can get on the board.
All right. Ready? Oh Jesus. All right. Bear with me. I didn't write these. All right.
Cop puts a homeless baby in his squad car where he drives next.
I'm speechless. Speechless in all caps. I imagine people just like watching the witness of these events. Just like the look on their face as they see this horrifying. And they immediately write this clickbait bullshit. Oh my God. Bring me to Facebook. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm speechless.
Also a homeless baby. Interesting. That's a loaded one. I feel like he took him to Chuck E. Cheese.
Yeah. Okay. Something sweet. Yeah. I said Mickey Mouse. Hmm. Oh. Wait. You.
He's taking him to Chuck E. Cheese to adopt him. Do you think that's what happens at Chuck E. Cheese? What? People don't get adopted at Chuck E. Cheese? I never took me. Because I was born. I didn't get to go to Chuck E. Cheese. That's for adopted kids.
I wish. Anyone? Where the homeless, where the cop, where also in the squad car, you don't just have a baby car seat in a squad car. So like, is it just a loose homeless baby? Yeah. In the back seat. Wait. Does it have little handcuffs on it? It has one handcuff around its neck. Wait. What?
I meant like comfortably. Like comfortably. Not like.
I'm not choking it. Oh, that's fine, man. It just has the other hook just hanging down. Just saying that's the only part of a baby that a handcuff would fit on. All right.
You guys want the answer? Yeah. I need the answer. Jess thinks you think you're right? No.
I think they're going to the car seat. I just want to imagine a baby on its little stomach being handcuffed for being a bad kid. You want to imagine that?
I do. Okay. All right. A police officer named Che Atkinson brought a woman and her child who were the victims of domestic violence to a hotel and also brought them food. Okay.
We didn't know a mom was involved.
There's no Chuck E. Cheese.
These are all just lies. They're all like lies.
Honestly, what we should do, and I'll give points for this, guess if it's a happy story or a sad story, and I feel like then you'll get a point. Okay? Next one. I'm good at that.
Four girls put a camera in their car. Four girls put a camera in their pussy.
No, I'm kidding. One camera. Sorry. Are they sharing? One camera. It's another speechless one.
Get ready. Let's all say speechless together when I get to it. Ready? All right.
Four girls put a camera in their car.
When they look up, I'm speechless. Speechless.
What do you think? This one has a paragraph. I'm going to say it's a sad story. Sad story?
When they look up. Four girls put a camera in their car. When they look up, I'm speechless.
All right. Get in your car. Put in the keys.
Look up. Check your mirrors. Four girls put a camera in their car and look down. When they look up, I'm speechless. Always remember, that was the first thing I learned in Driver's Ed, is look up. Look up.
That's where the road is. Do you think it's happy or sad? God damn it. I said sad. Sad? I think it's happy. Ooh.
I think it's strange. That wasn't an option. I don't think it's either of those. That's not an option. They're all strange. It's clickbait. No.
All right. Are you ready? Anything can happen once you look up. If it's strange, though, you'll get that point. Oh, boy. This is a long one, and I'm worried. Okay. Get ready.
You're speechless. In the video, four teenage girls give a show-stopping synchronized routine to Fifth Harmony's pop hit Worth It. They can be seen having the time of their lives when suddenly something unexpected happens.
The phone beeps with the text message. The driver glances to read the message, and then she crashes the car, and they all die. The video is a staged PSA against distracted driving.
That's a point. Happy story. That's a PSA, and more people are educated because of it. That's a point. Happy story. That's a point. That's a PSA, and more people are educated because of it. That's a point. Happy story. That's a point. You're most educated because of it.
I hear you've been sad as fuck. No, you can't be sad when you want to. That is sad. That is no, it was sad.
Four girls put a camera in their car, and when they look up, they die. They die.
Alright, final one. You guys ready? Yeah, let's do this.
He caught an old man doing this, to a soldier's grave. Now it's going viral.
Peeing out of fire.
Yeah, throwing frizzbies. That's Aurora. That's throwing frizzbies.
Everyone gets happy or sad and this will be the final countdown. This is the last one. There's no one in my head.
Subway dinner? Did you skip one?
Oh, here we go. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, good, all right. I'm gonna say it's happy. I'll go happy. This is absolutely happy. It's happy?
Because it's a soldier. This news source wouldn't report on something serious in this context. Yeah, the old man was watering the grass.
Is that it? That's happy, no, okay, here's the final one. I skipped one because it was long, but I hear it's worth it. Let me work it. Let me tell you. All right, ready?
A homeless man heard a woman screaming.
Now keep your eye on his shirt. Dot, dot, dot. Ah, keep an eye on his shirt.
That's what happened? No, that's just the headline. What? Keep an eye on it.
A homeless man. A man experiencing homelessness, by the way. He's now marked by the fact that he's homeless.
Thank you. Heard a woman screaming. Now keep your eye on his shirt. Happy or sad? Is that what the woman's screaming?
Or is this a separate thought? Is this? Honestly, who's to say? It's a. Isn't it helpful? Is that a help?
It starts off as a headline and then turns into an illusion. Yeah, my God. It's all on my mind. It's a magic eye? What the fuck?
I think that's what the shirt is. I think you reveal that it's a shirt that is one of those hologram, like you turn it and it's something else. I feel like. I feel like fancy.
And the fact that someone's homeless, irrelevant. Very irrelevant.
All right, great.
I feel like someone took her shirt and she's like, keep your eyes on that shirt. Like she's trying to get it back.
Like follow that car? Yeah, follow, yeah. But it's like, follow my shirt. Follow my shirt? No, that one, he's wearing it.
Like screaming. Honestly, all of these have truly had like a psychedelic effect on me. I feel so crazy.
And not in touch with reality. Normal logic doesn't apply to this. The truth is that someone went to college and answered an ad for a job that said, must have like a bachelor's degree. A bachelor's degree in creative writing. And then they got this job and this is what they do. All right. Can you lie about something you hear?
Do you think it's happy or sad? Happy. Happy? Yeah, look, okay. Happy? Sad? Happy. Well, two happy's in. I also say sad.
37-year-old Maurice did something heroic on the New York City subway when he headbutted an attacker who pounced on a woman passenger. Maurice dragged the subject to the police station and saved a day. What a good Samaritan.
Wow, this author is really putting their own. Unfortunately, the video was taken down from the site so I can't see how his shirt ties into the story, Paul. So honestly, now keep your eyes on his shirt meant nothing.
Well, that was a rousing round of what fresh hell is this. Incredible. Best game I've ever played.
Keep your eyes on that shirt. It's always so like, you know when you first meet a friend who's like, I'm into comedy and all their jokes are like, dead baby jokes. Dead baby jokes, man, we're so dead baby. That's what it feels like. So fate is always like. And this, and this. These are all like definitely pitches from like a whole guy, YouTubers. I can hear them all be like, okay, I got a good joke about baby dying.
It's homeless. This baby dies, baby wrapped in American flag gets eaten by who?
Somebody laughed at something they said once and now they're just on the track. They won cards against humanity once and then they were like, on to the next. I'm on to the next, I have a pack of cards in the moon. These are all just cards against humanity once.
Bees. I ate a bees in my dick.
Who has the questions? I hear we have two questions. Oh, we do have two questions. Denise has one and Shane has the other one.
Thank you, ants. Oh, ants were like, here.
This one is from QT Petutius. Has there ever been a mishap or something that you didn't foresee during a shoot that ended up working in your favor? Was the working in your favorite part the thing that's stumping you? Yeah. Oh, mishaps, I know. QT Petutius, it's been years, bro, years. Interesting, that's a great question. I think, here's, okay, here's what I have to offer to this is that I think everybody is so sort of tuned in and I think also we have a plan A, B, and C. These contingency plans are just sort of built in to our sort of each individual department. So when things don't work out, it's hardly noticeable because there's always a backup. And also, we live in LA, guys. You can just snatch up, at least for hair and makeup and stuff like that. You just kind of snatch up something from somewhere out there. Yeah, totally. I'm really trying to think of it because I know there has been, but I'm trying to figure out. The things I think of are running out of time on the day and we have four shots left and it's like, let's combine them all into a one-er. Just a single shot and then it ends up being a very cool, carefully crafted thing that's like, oh, we didn't need all those different setups. That's cool, that's really cool. Which is like, oh yeah, it looks like we planned it from the beginning, but no. Yeah. Damn. I'm trying to think of something.
I'll see you guys later, I got it. I got it. The mistake's off.
That was my question. Come on. I want to do the second question. Yeah, I don't have any questions.
This is from somebody, I assume. It doesn't say. It's from Paul. Yeah, this is from Paul. He has a lot of questions about the company. Oh, you guys are pretty anything. That's monkey3000. Paul McCartney.
You don't have to invite me on a show just to, all right. I'm always available.
Will you go out with me?
College Humor staff members frequently pop up in sketches, often in the background, but even as leads in sketches sometimes. Can you talk about how this happens? Are there auditions for these parts? Who gets to be in them? Do the majority of people who work there have an acting or comedy background? So a few different questions. Paul Smartguys, he went to Yale. And he authored most of these clickbait. Side job. So yeah, how it happens that College Humor staff members show up in sketches.
I've always said the cheapest person you can cast in a sketch is the producer. Somebody who is like, yeah, I don't need to get paid for this or anything. I just want to do it just to keep the cost down and just to do it. So whenever there's something small, I'm always like, I'll do it if you'll have me.
Yeah, totally. That was like a three-parter. It is.
I do a lot of improv and acting. Yeah, I would say a lot of people in the office, we know each other because we've done UCB and we're at Second City. Sorry, I'm so sorry. But yeah, I think I have, Rekha at one point was my improv and sketch coach and director for a very large time. And Brennan was my 101 improv teacher. And Grant was also about to be my coach. So I think a lot of the cast somehow I've touched base with because of improv or sketch in some way. But I do love improv and I do love just sketch in general. And I have a big knowledge for nerd stuff.
So anytime the cast want me to be in a sketch, I do take the chance and opportunity because it's also like, this is stuff that I've been watching since I was like, fucking 11 and I was like, oh my God, young Jessica would be like, holy shit. Yeah, totally. It's nice to look back and be like, holy fucking shit. Jessica, do it. I wonder if there's any other young Jessica's out there.
Do you have fans yet? Like the office folks, do they have fans?
There was a couple, on my first time actually, I got a lot of, is Jessica single? I got a, actually it's Jessica single. And then I got like a message on Instagram from like some guy that was like, are you single? And what did you say? Hey! I'm looking for love.
But guys, she laughs and coughs like a Yeti. So fucking watch that. I do. I cackle. Cackle? I make a meme breakfast. I bitch myself. I know the question didn't involve that. Hi. Yeah. Who here makes a meme breakfast? I guess I do.
I guess going to the end, the bottom part of like, do people have to? Have an acting or comedy background. I don't feel like, not necessarily, it's just that if they are staff in the office and they are like, hey, I'd like to do something like this, you guys absolutely give them the opportunity to. We like to work with like very cool people who are very like good to work with. And like we want to be around them. Like that's part of hiring people here. Like apart from doing their job and being very good at it. They're also great people. So it makes it very easy then to like have people step in in these sketches when we need people.
That's like in Tina Fey's book, that Bossy Pants book. She talks about like when they were hiring writers for like 30 Rock. And it was like, yeah, he's like funny.
But do you want to be in the hallways with them at like 10 p.m. when you're like rushing to get writing done, you know? It's like you still take into account like, is this like a, because there are a lot of funny people. So then you can go one step further and be like, are they cool? Like do they get it? Are they interesting? Absolutely, I get that. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I was just wondering if, just to add on to that, that Yale question. Do you guys sort of, when you see new folks in the sketch, I guess we haven't really had like a whole lot of, a whole lot of like office, like editors will jump in, like crossover, but like when you're writing a sketch, is it ever like a hindrance to have us in there?
Because I know I was nervous as shit. When Grant wrote me into, I don't know what the official name is, but it's like Five Stages of Haircut, I think is what it is. I'm just like, I'm fucking nerd, like, I don't know how to like, but that's the thing. Guys, I'm good at stuff, I wasn't good at that. You were like, chill the entire time in the video. Oh, yeah, no. You were saying it came off as really chill, like okay, and then you went just higher.
We're not gonna get back on Grant, but. Ah, ha, ha. Like is that a factor? No, not at all, I love it, yeah.
We write so many sketches and it's like amazing to have more and new people in them. So I don't think there's any sort of like protection or anything, you shouldn't feel nervous, yeah. It's one of those things, and I've seen this a couple times too, which is, it's going back to this question, has there ever been a mishaps that you didn't foresee that ended up working on your favor? There have been a couple of like outsiders that we've hired, I don't, I mean it's just the truth, and like you'll feed them, like they'll get nervous or whatever it is, and like you'll feed them a line and they just won't get it. It ends up working out, but like I thought that's hilarious for me to be, sometimes you guys show up on, so sometimes the writers show up on sketches that are not on, not very often because they're fucking busy, but it's just one of those things where like, and on the day and in the moment I'm like, ah, could've given this person like lighter lines or whatever. Like, does that make any sense? There was just one sketch in particular where this person can remember the line, and so it was being fed, and so it was like seven or eight takes later.
It was like, hey, it's, watch the car today. And they're like, ugh, get in the blimp tomorrow? You know, watch the car today. Oh, get in the blimp yesterday?
That was also like, that was like an issue of like an actor-actor, I think, and usually we have like comedian actors that have like a different vibe to them. It was like, ooh, okay, we'll get to this eventually, like, yeah. It's kind of the same shit that Grant does because when Grant starts laughing, we all on set, all of us are just like, well, it's gonna take like 20 minutes to get back. Grant breaks so fucking much. But I get that moment of just like, if you have that line, and then you just keep fucking it up, but everyone's like, it's this, you have it, the first, and I'm like, I don't know, when you turn that camera I just keep fucking it up, and I'm like, fuck.
Sometimes that'll happen when it's like, when something has to be cast instead of like, oh, what great comedians do I know who could do this? It's like, oh, this has to be a very specific, like weird uncle or something, like weird uncle character. It's like, oh, I don't know anybody who could play this weird uncle, so we have to find somebody from the outside and go through like a casting process. Sometimes we do auditions, but sometimes it's blind. Sometimes we're working so fast that we are casting blindly, that it's like we have a resume, we have pictures of them, sometimes a video of them taping like an audition from home or something, but we don't know them, and then that's when we get in situations where it's like, oh, this person can't say a line.
Which is always, we always find a way, like that's something on set where it's like, yeah, it is such a safe environment. There's, you can do it a thousand times, and then you can edit it a thousand different ways, and there's always a way to do it, and at the end of the day it's like, well, if it looks silly, it's comedy.
Totally. Wow, well, I think that's it. I think it's time to wrap up. Whoo! Grant had a big presence in this episode, and I think he would be happy to hear that.
He wrote all those clickbait articles. He definitely did not pay me a little extra to do that.
Well, thank you so much everyone for watching. Thank you guys for being on the cast and getting to know you a little bit better, some people that you have all seen, but didn't know. Can they find you guys online anywhere?
Any plugs? That's a good question. Well, honestly, and any time anyone comments under a video that I did about makeup, I will definitely go and egg them on. So watch out for me. But I am on Instagram as one underscore AF one, and both of the ones are spelled out. Figure that out. I don't think anybody who's on the shit end of the millennial stick is gonna figure out that. One is fuck one? Yeah, we'll see.
What does it mean? I want followers, that's all I'm saying. What does it mean? I need power.
It's one of one, but one of one was taken. Oh, got it. Oh, I was really one as fuck one. No, phonetically, one F one. One F one.
I don't know. You can find me on Instagram. I'm Lulu Clemens.
Not to be confused with Lulu Lemons. That's the play on the word. It was never your intention to come at Lulu Lemons.
Don't you come at me!
Or do, and sponsor. Oh yeah, give me some badass leggings, girl. I also have a sketch show every third Friday in the Acme Theater in North Hollywood.
If you wanna come see my sketch team, Dad Jeans. Dad Jeans? Dad Jeans.
That is amazing. I'm on Instagram, it's Crown in the DM. Yes, it is! It goes Crown in the DM. Last name, Crown in the DM. If you wanna see all 12 photos that I put up there. Old man, Crown in the DM.
I was like thousands of followers and no presence on life. You'll be like, great, everyone's gonna unfollow me immediately.
But also in Um, Actually. Yeah! So I do a couple more episodes of that. You're crazy good in Um, Actually. Check that out. Our little savant producer. Yeah. All right, well great! See you guys on the next episode. Hey, what's up, it's Allie.
If you like College Humor and you wanna support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleam. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
cracked | 6_reasons_lord_of_the_rings_is_racist_today_s_topic | Is there, like, a triangle of predator dots on my forehead, or what's... You look like you want to talk about Lord of the Rings. What about me right now, sitting here, doing work, tells you that I want to talk about that? You're wearing a shirt. You're going to wear shirts.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't. At least, according to all the fan art I'm familiar with. You ever guess how these movies are all about religion? Yes. So, the token and C.S. Lewis were devout Christians who put thinly veiled Christian themes in all of their works.
Speaking of, I would love to get back to that thing. Work? What? Work!
You're sitting over there drawing penises on hot dogs. I... didn't think you could see that from there. Anyway, I'm not just rehashing.
I'm talking about how Lord of the Rings, deliberately and willfully, takes a big old hobbit poop on every major religion, except Christianity. Ugh, you know hobbit poop is so stinky. It's like hair and... Every race in Lord of the Rings represents one of the major religions in the world, right? First you got the hobbits. They're clearly pagan earth worshipers.
They're barefoot. They live in minimalist housing.
They smoke weed every day. The finest weed in the south of Hollywood.
How is that an attack on that religion, though? I mean, the Shire is basically a utopia. I'm pretty sure token would love to live in one of those igloos and smoke weed every day, the thing that you said. Sure, but the movies constantly remind us the importance of having a strong will. And the hobbits, as nice as they are, they just don't really have that. The only reason Frodo is able to get all the way to Mordor with the ring is because Sam is there to pick up his slack, and neither of them would have left the Shire in the first place if Ganolf hadn't have made them. And if there is a warp, it's kind of understood that the hobbiton would be annihilated. I mean, they're a naive, innocent people whose beliefs are nice and all, but they're not the chosen people. Frodo gets to go to heaven in the end, but that's the exception to the rule. Through good works, he regains his divinity. This is starting to sound a lot like church. And speaking of the chosen people, what about the dwarves?
The band? No, not the... Why would I suddenly be talk... No.
The dwarves and more of the rings. They're like any Semitic caricature of the Jewish people. Short, hairy, gold-loving giant noses with legs were chased out of their sacred homeland because their avarice made them dig too deep. They're like little Nazi flashcards, at least the ones that managed to survive the mass extermination of dwarves that happened.
Sound familiar? You're grasping a little bit. Oh, am I? A little bit.
Did you know that the dwarvish language that Tolkien made up is based on an ancient Jewish tongue? It's a direct quote from Tolkien. I do think of the dwarves like Jews.
End of quote. Full context. Okay.
I can see you have some sort of point there, but like what about Muslims and Hindus? Two of the biggest religions on the planet, and I don't recall seeing... The Easterlings.
That's a made up word. You made that word up.
The Easterlings, the dark skin, they ride the giant elephants, they look like evil dervishes. Oh, yeah. They're like racist police sketch of anyone living in the Middle East or India. They're technologically advanced, but they're in cahoots with the wrong gods, so they can't be trusted. Okay, but no, like racist white Christian thinks that Muslims have all the technology. The stereotypical evil Muslim has like a long beard and lives in a cave. Maybe it's dwarves again. Tolkien was a student of medieval history and literature. And if Robin Hood Prince of Thieves taught me anything, it's the Muslims during the crusades had things like math and telescopes that just confounded all the white people. How did your uneducated kind ever take Jerusalem? Tolkien's version of Muslims have a bunch of really awesome shit, but their souls are still corrupted.
Christians, then. Humans? No. Wrong. The humans are atheists or agnostics.
Basically, all the people have stopped going to church, because when they show up, that's when all the magic in the middle starts to disappear, because all the world of man cares about is building kingdoms or industry or things you can touch with your hand. But they lost their spirituality.
That's why the elves jump on their boats and bounce the fuck out of there. Did you hear me rolling? The elves, the Christians. Exactly, yeah. They're the perfect beings who only fight when it's absolutely necessary. And at the end of the movies, when all the other religions of Middle Earth have to go back and scoop up giant mounds of elephant poop or trim the beards of giant wooden tree people, the elves get to move on to paradise. Because they were right all along. Also, Gandalf is straight up an angel sent down from heaven. Read the silver alien. Or. No. Or the elves are like Buddhists or Shintoists, because they're a super-exclusive group of warriors who only fight when they have to, and they live in a monastery. There are a lot of waterfalls. He seems vaguely Buddhist. All the elves' armor and weaponry looks vaguely Japanese, and when they vanquish the ultimate evil, they all get to move on to Nirvana.
They are a super-exclusive group of beautiful, wealthy white people who live in a giant temple mansion and follow a leader named Elrond. Elrond is not their leader. He's like upper management. And at the end of the movie, they follow Elrond to space.
What do you know, you person with things, ridiculous things coming out of his face? I spent the past twelve goddamn hours watching Lord of the Rings. I am the authority here. Oh, twelve hours, man. Are you okay? Yeah, I mean, sure.
Some eye strain and mild light sensitivity. So you're saying the light hurts us? No, shut up. Like it hurts the pressure. Stop it! I broke you. It's weird.
Hey there, YouTube. Thanks for watching. Yeah, we did a video about Lord of the Rings, and it was great.
It was great. It was super fun. And you loved it.
Make sure to click like and the subscribe button, and all the buttons that you possibly could. Any of the buttons. Except that one. Yeah, don't do that one, because that's hurtful. And be sure to leave a comment.
What do we forget? What other religions are there that exist? Right. What other animals could have been other things?
What are the dragons?
What were the eagles? Band. What were they about? No, not the band. Why would I... The horses.
What about the Gandalf? What about the beetles? What about...
What about that cave troll? The cave trolls.
He's standing in the dark all by himself, and then suddenly he hears Sean Bean scuttling around upstairs. He's like, I'm going to go check this out. Who was he? Leave your college reading in the comments below. |
dropout | what_s_your_worst_drunken_disaster | Suddenly, I was in a hospital bed, crying, my two best friends next to me. My worst drunken disaster happened last October. I was on a party bus for my friend Grace's bachelorette party. It was a pirate-themed party bus. All the women were like drunk and having fun, except for me. I was completely sober because I was on medicine. We ended up getting dropped off at a club. By this time, one of the girls had gotten extremely drunk.
I should mention, she was dressed as a parrot. My friend Alana and I, who was also sober, we had to take her to the bathroom and she started throwing up. She was just vomiting while in this parrot costume everywhere. So Alana and I started literally dry-heaving because it was so gross and so disgustingly smelly.
So we'd have to take turns leaving this stall to get fresh air and then come back in. After maybe 20 minutes being in the bathroom, security ended up coming and we got kicked out.
It was my senior year of college, the day of the Spring Fling concert. Guess who was the headliner, T-Pain?
My friends and I got separated, so I was with a group of strangers. I hardly even knew them, but I was still trying to have a fun time. We ended up going to a bunch of different frat parties in a row and I kept drinking out of feeling awkward and uncomfortable with this new group of people. Next thing I know, I'm in a bathroom stall, throwing up. After that, suddenly I was in a hospital bed crying, my two best friends next to me, and I felt so guilty that they were there taking care of me instead of watching T-Pain.
The nurse comes in, I ask her, can we please just leave? I don't wanna be here. I'm feeling a lot better. She says, you can't leave until the doctor clears you. And I say, of course, yes. But then as soon as she leaves, I say to my friends, we gotta get out of here. So I grabbed them and they were like, are you sure, are you sure? And I was like, I don't wanna be here.
We have to escape. So we ran out like it was some sort of hospital escape scene in a movie.
And the ironic part about that story is that earlier that evening, I had helped somebody else who was too drunk because I was a drug and alcohol safety counselor that year. Back in high school, some friends and I were drinking around a bonfire one night and we didn't notice that one friend had gotten so drunk that she just kept moving closer and closer to the fire and to the point where she was like rolling into the flames. And as we tried to pull her back, she wouldn't pay attention to us or get away from the fire. She just kept telling us about when she was a child.
My entire social life during my teenage years was dominated by friends from larp camp. You may be thinking to yourself, oh, larping. Well, you guys must not have done a lot of heavy drinking or done a lot of drugs. You would be wrong.
There was one house party in particular where my friend was going through a bad breakup and decided to process that by wearing a full burgundy terrycloth bathrobe, boxers and nothing else and pounding a full bottle of creme de menthe in about 20 minutes. I remember being in a circle where people knew the stairs, talking. My friend walked up and was like, party, we're having a good time. We were like, are you okay? Do you need to talk? And he burst fully into tears. I'm fine, I'm fine. It's a party, we're having a good time. Like every turn you're looking around and there would just be a airstrike of feelings. The host of the party came over and looked at me, the sober fella, and was like, hey, your friend, he's gotta go home. I packed my friend up into his car, immediately passed out, which was great for the drive, bad for getting him home to his parents' house where I had to pick him up fully in my arms, open the door while holding this 180-pound man and then slowly move him quietly at the staircase and got him into his bed and talked to men.
Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff.
And please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
SaturdayNightLive | teacher_psa_snl | Hey kids, Wow, can you believe it? we've almost made it to the end of the school year. I've learned so much from my students. but sometimes the classroom can feel like a battlefield and a war between teachers and kids. And now, as we reflect on the 2023 to 24 school year, we just wanted to come together with a special message for our students.
Y'all won. y'all won. Absolutely, y'all won. y'all rude and y'all nasty.
Not only can you not read, but you are on drugs and spectrums that did not even exist in 2006. on top of that, you're speaking riddles. Rizzler, Gia, Cheeks, phantom text. Look, Covid broke something we can't fix.
But as for me myself, personally, I have officially endured my last skippity toilet. I am retiring.
Come here, Damien. this is Damien. Tell them, young man, when I gave you a D on your math quiz, what did you say? Oh, really? because you thought it was pretty funny in November. what did you say, Damien? I said you had a funky neck. that's right. he said I had a funky neck. Hell no. Y'all won. this is Jay. this is Kendall. these two got in a fight in my classroom, and when I tried to break it up, they turned on me. I got pieced up by two 12-year-old non-binary asexuals. y'all won.
I'm out. sometimes I like a little packet of crystal light in my water, and the kids just couldn't let it slide. tell them what you said, Hailey. I said you drink crystal light packets because you can't afford real lemonade. Yeah, then I found out the kids started a gofundme for me called help our broke single teacher buy some lemonade. it raised $10,000.
Yeah. Y'all won.
This year, I lived by one word. T-s-i-d-d-a-h-n. that spells sit down. say this word about 628 times a day. for example, if y'all don't sit down. Kiara, I thought I told you to sit down. I'm going to tell you again, Jennifer.
Damn. Anyway, kids, I give up, And there is a liquor in this thermos. I tried to play kahoot with my kids as an icebreaker, but we had to stop because they made usernames like Poop Feast 420, Oliver De Nipple, and my personal favorite, Zicken Bools 2. Needless to say, Y'all won. I made the mistake of wearing a yellow raincoat on a rainy day, and the sixth graders all started calling me Coraline. somehow, that ended up being my name in the yearbook. I don't see it, bro. I do. my bad. This year, we had to confiscate some of the strangest items I've ever seen. Yeah, it's true. I went in that bathroom and had to confiscate a whole dang rotisserie chicken. they were cooking it over the urinal, y'all. I give up.
Y'all won. Wow, what a school year. we've got just one month left, and from us teachers to you kids, y'all put up a good fight. And y'all won. Y'all won. y'all won. from every teacher, to those rude, sticky, illiterate children, we give up.
Miss Williams, Jimmy's about to jump off the top of the swing set.
Now, sit down! Because y'all won. |
dropout | if_people_acted_like_they_do_in_cars | Driving a car is an incredibly strange experience. I don't know why, but there's something about the false sense of isolation we get from being behind the wheel that makes us act like the socially inept ultra-weirdos we all secretly are on the inside. Don't think your in-car eccentricities are all that strange? Here's a look at what would happen if people acted like they do in cars all the time.
Hey, I'm going lab. Um, see ya! Oh man, I've really got two peanuts, better find a restroom.
Go! Hey, can I just squeeze in here? Go!
Hey, am I good? Do I have enough space? You're fine, just do it.
Alright, here we goooooo... God damn it. Oh, what the... Oh! Oh, Jesus Christ! I can smell it with the cap closed. And there you have it.
Sure, it might not change your mind about how you behave while driving, but hopefully it'll at least make you think twice about how much you honk your goddamn horn. Thanks for watching, and be sure to drive safe.
Oh, huh. I missed your stop like five miles ago. Mint? I'm giving you zero stars. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Film_Standard_Oscars_Edition | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion, and welcome to the special Oscar preview edition of The Film Standard, where we'll be taking a look at some of the nominees for Hollywood's biggest night, nominees who, win or lose, we must admit are the products of nepotism. Yes, virtually all the nominees this year are my children who were so filled with shame due to my abandonment of them that they changed their last names. Nevertheless, I've boosted their careers from behind the scenes by wielding my influence as a powerful industry figure. Leading the race this year is breakout hit Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, with a record 11 Oscar nods.
The film is all but certain to score at least one for supporting actor nominee, key Huey Kwan's magnetic performance as Weyman Whack. Nominated alongside my darling boy, Key, are my other precious sons, Brendan, Barry, and Brian, and my eldest from my first marriage, Judd. Hello boys, Key, Brendan, Barry, Brian, Judd, it's Papa, I'm sorry I left you. Daddy was under a lot of stress after you were born and he made some bad choices. Facing down Everything, Everywhere, All at Once for the night's biggest prize is The Fablemans, Steven Spielberg's semi-autobiographical coming of age story and my pick for best picture. I was moved by Spielberg's poignant depiction of what it was like to grow up as my son in the 50s and 60s, and particularly touched by Michelle Williams' performance as the free-spirited Mitzi, though I'll admit it was strange to see my daughter portraying my ex-wife. Shocking many, the Academy nominated five first-time Oscar nominees in the Best Actor category. Competing in what will be the night's most cutthroat race are my little Irish lads, Colin Farrell and Paul Meskel. For their respective work in Banshees of In Sheeran and Aftersun, Bill Nighy for Living oh look, look how big and strong you've grown, Billy and my baby boy, Austin Butler for Elvis, and my pick for his comeback performance in The Whale, Brendan Frazier. Or should I say Brendan Rosenthal, which I guess wasn't a good enough name for him.
To this day, my progeny have collected a total of 714 Academy Awards, in categories ranging from Lifetime Achievement to Best Original Song. I have spread my seed across six continents and into every nook and cranny of the film industry, from directing and production to costume design and hair styling. Let's face it, one drop of my sperm is practically a golden ticket to stardom at this point, and the reason is clear. My flesh and blood make up a staggering 82% of all eligible Academy voters.
Yet, one thing you won't see at the Academy Awards Sunday night is a single one of my own kin thanking their good papa in their Oscar acceptance speeches. All I'm saying is, a little gratitude would be nice, especially from that ungrateful little brat Pinocchio, who I whittled out of the branches of an eastern white pine myself. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Girlfriends_Unveil_New_Economic_Plan_Let_s_Move_In_Together | We begin with up-to-the-minute financial fallout shelter coverage of today's top story. The nation's girlfriends continue to press for an economic recovery plan they say could save the nation as much as 220 billion dollars annually if their boyfriends simply agree to move in with them. Prominent girlfriends from across the country testified before Congress earlier today. Our plan could dramatically cut expenditures for more than 1.2 million American couples who basically live together anyway if you look at how much time they spend with each other. There has been some criticism that you're pushing America's boyfriends, that it's not time for this type of situation. Congressman Ingersoll, this is not even about wanting to live together. Even though a lot of us have been together with our boyfriends from anywhere between a year and three years and everyone who knows us says we're the perfect couple. In a recession, it just doesn't make any sense for two people who say they love each other to pay separate rents.
Joining us now live from Washington is a spokeswoman for the nation's girlfriends, Kelly Ambrose. Welcome, Kelly. Hello, Andrea. You and the other girlfriends have been very vocal about this plan in the past few days. Why the sudden push? Andrea, the slogan of our movement is, it's time.
This plan just makes sense for us financially. But some boyfriends have said there are other ways to save money, like not going out for expensive dinners and extraneous brunches or not taking that trip to Vermont to see the leaves change. Yes, but in our plan, we don't have to make cuts. In fact, I see. We could even use some of the money we save on sports things or whatever boyfriends want. Well, but isn't there... And our plan will also encourage consumer spending, since having new apartments would spur an anticipated 45% increase in dinner parties, cocktail parties, maybe even a Halloween party with fun drinks that have Halloween-related names.
Now, some boyfriends have been dragging their feet on this issue. That's right. Do the nation's boyfriends want to sit there just watching our national debt grow and grow while their stupid roommate Chad hangs out in the living room playing video games 24 hours a day so the boyfriend can never watch a movie, even if his girlfriend brings over a DVD that she has rented? Okay, well, we have a boyfriend representative, Jake Larson, here with us to help provide another perspective on this issue.
Hi, Andrea. Thank you. Hi, Kel. Hi, honey.
Now, Jake, you're familiar with the girlfriend's plan, correct? Yes, I've been briefed on it several times, and it's our contention that things are fine. This doesn't have to be a big deal. But you have stated that the plan could, quote, tie the nation's boyfriends into long-term living arrangements that could inhibit future independence. Inhibit... Do you mean like smothering? Is that how you think of this plan?
No, no, I never used that word. But you did imply it. It was in your tone, Jake.
Look, I really don't want to argue about this. Okay, we're not arguing, Jake. We're just talking. Well, can we discuss this another time, like tomorrow? What's going to change between now and tomorrow, Jake? Why would we talk about this tomorrow? We're already talking about this now. Jake, if there's some reason you're opposed to this plan, you can say so, and nobody will be mad. You know, I just feel like it's too soon.
Okay. Fine. Fine, then.
Thank you for being with us. Thank you.
Later in the hour, we'll talk to the nation's mothers about what this plan means for the possibility of them ever having grandchildren. Moving on, a study finds that most Americans' retirement plans consist of finding a briefcase of money.
Will there be any provisions made for game days during football season? Yes, the girlfriends love football, and they can make snacks and dips and cookies for all the guys. It'll be fun.
Now, some of this research dates back to August 2006. Why had you begun planning to move the very same year many of the girls met their boyfriends? That research was preliminary. It never hurts to be prepared. But what about when John moved in with Tara, and then she dumped him, and he had to find a roommate on Craigslist?
That was a highly unusual situation, Congressman. Yes, Tara is my friend, but you know how she is. And what is this about a waffle maker? Come on, Representatives of Congress.
It is vital that you do something to incentivize the boyfriends to see that this is right for the nation. Because it is. And what if the nation's economy turns around? Would we then consider having two places again? Are you implying that the boyfriends would want to move out? Why would they want to do that when things are great and we are trying so hard to make them happy? |
cracked | is_donald_trump_an_absolute_dilf_w_donovan_eyre_quorators_podcast | Audio so I think this will be the one week we tackle race Finally yeah, I don't know if we want to force it or if it organically come on But I'm kind of thinking this is the week. I'm so glad I'm here for this I was waiting till there were multiple ponytails in the room Because just one you might feel insecure well. Let's see if it comes up I've been rehearsing that dance for weeks And you're back on Quaradors Live on Cracked Coma the fact back at it like a cracked edict. It's Quaradors We're the rapping podcast that teaches you how to flow and we read Quora.
I'm your host Alex This is Jeremy. How's it going? I'm Jeremy and we have a very special week Fuck me. We have a very special guest this week You're going to love That's right all the way from the radio free tote bag relationship advice podcast. We have Don Vinaire everybody Donovan Howdy, how's it going? Hi? I'm great.
I just flew in from Chicago Oh, my arms choir I'm glad we took the time to write before this started I wonder if anybody dividends like I'm trying to think of like a magical person who's trying to like learn English by listening to our show or something I'm applying for citizenship English is a hard language because you got to find where the the cues are yeah, oh my god It's a barbarian tongue there all the rules get broken every other sentence I don't know how anybody learns English as a second language. It seems impossible. It's just through raw television consumption I understand is the like primary means you just have like Dharma and Greg shot into your brain since your since childhood, and then you adapt Outside of your country you evolve Before we get too into it can we address that we have a beautiful flag behind us? Yeah, it says curators on if you're a listener go check out the YouTube just to see this beautiful flag We have wild and then stand for it and salute it yeah on and also stand for it Because that's how good a flag it is Jeremy told the flag people we want a flight says curators And they were like we can't do it. We don't have all those letters.
Well guess what it was probably We sent them other images and now they could make one over above. It's we supposed to have a flag a long time ago Yeah Sure Kyle Canane should have been wrapped in the flag. Oh, that would be beautiful Yeah, it's like like rocky at the end of a rocky rocky Like rocky On today, baby. This is the best episode we've ever done. It's the power of the flag That's the power of the flag.
I'm always saying that Let's go to our last week on core Richard's the okay question We asked last week was is venom two guys or is he one guy and also is the venom song about the venom? Eminem song about venom if so, which guy? This is one of your Yeah, it's been and then you know what I think what it was his last episode hasn't come out yet in our time But we kept hitting each other on the head with hammers. Yeah, and that's why we came up with this my arm turned into a scythe Say the song is about venom from the film because Eminem was paid money by Marvel to make it No, but I think the question is Because we're differentiating between the two guys or is it about any I Is the character venom two guys or like two actors he is two guys now We can't do this too much on this one because the whole Mostly about how it is two guys not out yet, but one is Eddie Brock and he's played by Tom Hardy He's then he also is played by Tom Hardy That's the biggest Tom Hardy is so much range when you're working with someone like Tom Who we would love to have on the show by the way Tom if you're listening Hop on hop on Quora, baby But in the meantime when you have Tom in the booth you can just have him become other people you can say this time You're you're spider-man's nemesis this time. You're a hard hustling journalist this time you're like a really confusing Jewish character in Britain and Also, you're like a gangster and in an interesting way But no one can understand what you're saying now. He he actually has a writing credit on venom to Tom Hardy Improvising yeah, right baby. We love The show is 60% about venom 40% about hitting your children as far as half of that of two is just him talking to himself because he plays both of them And he's just like And he sounds different than he did in the first one because his state of decay I've never just explaining what's happened to them. I did not like I liked it I haven't seen any of these I see the first one you don't need to I'm just here to listen and learn about have your symbiote swing you into venom 2019 today Oh Anyway, what was our what people think of the question to guys so somebody give us a very long answer about the difference between venom and Tom Hardy's they say exactly what we were saying. Yeah read this answer for a more detailed explanation long story Nope venom is about to be the edge of his birth Nope, who cares no one cares about that The lyrics are meant to be about addiction and one struggles with keeping in check which is an appropriate and recurring Recurrent trope for venom stories in general venom is an addict Brains Just like Eminem is it used to be addicted to all kinds of pills and he had that one album That's him made out of all the pills M&M has done so many pills.
That's kind of a venom is about your kids being venom I found a pile of goop on my son's floor. I understand there's goop there.
Oh, yeah I really do appreciate what's what's that actress named the guy who played carnage? Extremely famous man Gave a hundred and ten percent. He pulled no punches as carnage. He plays like a weird serial killer He wasn't like I'm in real movies. I don't have to be carnage. He was like I Guess I'm just a hater man. I hate to see men thriving as many of our YouTube comments have noticed Just a beta on the playground comment below if you think Alex is a beta Yeah, please also like and subscribe if you think I'm a beta or not don't hurt me We could honestly we could do a whole vet of episode because there's a lot of venom What hey don't tell me buddy don't go to predator beat venom is venom gay Predator um I don't think a predator could be venom, but no we I think we should save it I think we can save it cuz it's really good There's another answer here from a guy named Gavin who's a phlebotomist, and he says geez going real deep with this one Hey Shut up Gavin We're doing our best man. Go take some blood you piece of scum Yeah, just a yeah, you're a professional blood guy you're pretty much venom in real life You're acting like we're out of pocket Sorry, we don't know as much about venom as you who's professionally become venom.
Oh, you know what son of a bitch I hate to say it Gavin is one of our listeners. Oh, hey Gavin. I'm sorry about I think taking blood is cool, man I woke up on the wrong side of the bed Gavin Gavin.
You gotta say scrambled eggs. Oh By the way, if you're answering the questions, please use our code word Scrambled eggs you simply bus this way I won't curse at you before I realize you're a regular listener to the show a normal person who we love I Respects that of and the fact that he's two guys and he's kind of a metaphor for when you are smoke weed all the time Okay. Well, that's that and I'm dusting my hands off now, Dono you you you're all you're kind of a love expert Aren't you a lot of people say this do you love love? I do. I'm crazy a second only to venom a Two sides of the same coin if you ask me, but that's a conversation for another episode venom episode For all the fans of Master Chief episode Friend of mine in real life said he could not finish It's polarizing not unlike venom, but Today's episode is kind of a bit more nuanced. It's about Relationships it's about the connections between human beings. And so for today, we're going to spend a lot of time in quorumance Passions of the Corazon The Quora also get in the Quora zone also, it's French again Oh Yeah, all right, so let's get let's get rapping in the zone I'm rubbing my hands Rub my hands together. I can't wait to get the friction going.
Oh, baby. The heat is building in this room. Oh, baby Also accidental I Was our first question I got a question for you. Hmm.
Why would a guy hug you and not let go?
Okay Question because it's just it's in the title now You're gonna have to get used to this on your show use it for the bonuses. You always read read it We get all the details. There's just less information Yeah, you have to create the question.
There's no letters and numbers. You can't figure how old someone is There's no age gaps. You can go up on to say age gap.
You can't tell them everyone sucks here No, all kinds of stuff. You can't do Hug you and let go never let go.
Yeah, so the thing is I immediately I was like well That sounds sweet. And then I think you guys are both smartly like that's probably that's kind of evil. It's an evil behavior I have I hate to think of this. But the first thing I do you think of is the symbiote venom I He kind of clamps on to your very brain and he never lets go again inseparable from relationships He becomes part of you and you form a family together when you're trying to have your vice style talk show You're trying to Eddie Brock hosts is his own version of vice.
He's trying to freelance What if what if this is a koala and they just think it's a guy that's a good question They like to that's one way and not let go what if it so, okay What happens if you get hooked by quality won't let go you gotta give him a little eucalyptus I know that they're famously Irrassable animals, they're like terribly angry and they just have a reputation about being sleepy little fuckers But actually they're like there's they're there's a little like machine We don't kill anything they're just mean what are they if not a black symbiotic creature? Their hands turn into hammers and they smash you with them. My favorite part of koalas is the M&M song about them Yes, knock knock what the koalas in Don't they have like an STD or something am I making this up? I don't know that about them Yeah, and they all have it for some reason cuz they're fucking koalas are fucking there fucking so much koala koala knowledge Oh, yeah college college.
There it is. Got so much koala G my closet There's way more rapping in this already that there ever should be such a distinct memory of my dad as a child and I'm in like the first time I ever heard Eminem. We came on the radio. My dad just going he's making these words He's way out of his league You can't do that to your girlfriend Door hinge is usually It's kind of an alpha move just like what rhymes with orange orange Fucking figure it out for yourself idiot Ah It's then a week We got to move on from Eminem It's only the first question it's okay to have it a little bit stuck Talk about it again a lot There's gonna be another 50 minutes we really gotta just try to set sail away With the format of asking a question. That's something we talked about all episode Is that the second episode becomes about that's more than there's any better idea We should ask us to break a question before we talk.
That would be the smart thing to do Whatever and that's why we'll never do it Tim Johnson says as a guy myself and this time I want to be clear that Tim Johnson is a snowboard slash art addict I would only do this with someone. I'm pretty close to already. My advice is one listen to your instinct and to think about it Logically, obviously, I can't tell you what your instinct says But logically you wouldn't hug someone unless you like them a lot and it makes you feel good But something that makes them feel good generally they keep doing it I hope that helps this guy is addicted to hogs follow your instincts guys. Name is Tim and his picture is a minion Does your hubby whoop you so much?
What does the pulse of the back of your neck say Really speaking to me Yeah Here's a question that they asked art if a person has very low IQ is mean and lazy. Will they die of poverty? That's the question. This person the answer has got to be yes. There's no answers on it Otherwise the whole system wouldn't work Everything about snowboarding and art I came here to understand poverty I'm Tim Johnson It's fun if you imagine a minion asking it yeah, it is kind of fun. Oh, that's so true.
Maybe it could be quite cool You have a low IQ and no banana If you don't work for an evil genius of some kind will you die of poverty I Hope so or else this money is for nothing What do you think about the minions is there they're attached to I want to say Groot, but that's not his name What's um? Stephen No, no no no more of him Stephen Not Colbert the other one the office one Oh, no, he just said that the office guy Steve Ravel is an evil genius who his name is grew and it's not true that tea on it, but it's just grew It's half a group. I saw this movie like a million years ago And anyway, so he like makes the minions he like has he they're like Oompa Loompas for him You know how that we did that episode recently we're talking about legal stuff and that guy commented like as a lawyer It was extremely difficult for me to watch this question because you guys were so wrong about everything Yeah, that's gonna be every one of our viewers this week. Just being like Steve corral is gonna turn it off, but he gets out where we call him Stephen Colbert Together they were on the Dana Carvey show together. They had that segment and the daily show to Stevens Stephen Called even Stevens is venom to Stevens break not asking That is one question that they won't let you All right, let's do our next question.
I'm sick He loves you and you don't appreciate it I just say I want to read one more from this this person Bella butcher assuming that this is a normal guy Probably just wants to hug you for a while Just let him just get it out of the system All right, we don't have to read whoops use this much But one of those people suggested he was trying to pick your pocket. It's very possible I love that strategy to pick a pocket. It's just I'm gonna hug you for a And somehow never taking things well because when you let go they'll be happy you're gone They want to check their pockets realize.
Oh, I'm a little bit lighter than before It's worth my wallet to get this venom esque I think all men are venoms. I tell you ladies gotta get away Yeah, you know who else needs to Eddie Brock Dysfunctional relation well that's debatable honestly cuz they kind of they have become one superhero together are they two guys? Famously, they're we're not talking about it.
I've got a question for us. I Really need a bare-bottoms faking. I'm disrespectful and I need discipline. What do I do? That's great, man So the fact that you've accepted it shows a lot of growth You you need a daddy to come and hit you with a paddle yeah You need a timeout Dessert there's no way I could be sure of this But do we have this question and one about a daddy hitting you with a paddle. I don't know probably I haven't looked at this yet Do a quick peruse for that because we will not redo with these troll have daddy I Don't think we do okay good. Okay, so yeah You need a disciplinarian in your life.
Okay, cuz that's the top comment find a discipline I haven't read this I haven't read this that's from Jessica Anderson homemaker husband tamer He doesn't use social media, she's scared of it But do you see these often like cuz this is clearly somebody who's just looking for Basically, but it's cool like there's websites. Yeah, would you go to quora? What's a good website for it actually is quora where one half of the answers are erotica prompts I think it's just like sometimes like these people they don't want to watch porn They just want someone to like say it to them, so they're just like I've been very bad What should happen to me and then someone's like you should be spanked and they're like oh my god Their version of porn is somebody just be like oh my stepsister was stuck in the washing machine What do you get stuck on They're designed not to do that.
Yeah, it doesn't really make any sense. What are you stuck on in there? This is just a hang-up. I have Like something's gone terribly wrong if you're stuck I got the related questions Also and anybody who complains about the question choices this week they could be so much worse I What was your worst bear bottom spanking 10 worst bear bottom spank When daddy got me on his knee Number ten the problem with these questions is that immediately all of them were like when I was 12 And I'm like I'm not gonna read the rest of that nope nope want to know When I was almost 28 a friend got me to lie down to the back of his car in a hotel parking lot So I want to spank me and nobody meant bear bottom I can't I don't I didn't know you meant bear bottom. I'm only 20 anyway.
Let me read Jessica's answer What have I done wrong find a disciplinarian? They are out there and can give you exactly what you feel you need slash deserve. Good luck. Hey good luck You've been bad find a disciplinarian like just heading down to the local school This is a really good one from New York discipline disciplinarian Who lives in New York City and wrote this answer only a few weeks ago. Let's go find them I know right bring on the show. They say this is not a difficult question Simply find someone who knows how to give good punishment spanking as a disciplinarian. This is something I do frequently here in New York Big city big hustle. I want to know everything about this person This is Jeremy's account I am 46 a professor in New York I have mentored several men and women trying to achieve different goals by you device utilizing various motivational slash disciplinary techniques Management skills, that's interesting. So it's like a sexy job for you. I am also a part spanking I'm also seeking a partner parentheses. I am divorced. I Can't imagine why Honey it's just business Oh trying to take me away from my work with these co-eds This person is on Coro like every day So are we oh, yeah, that's true. I feel like it's a real glass houses situation This person has asked zero questions about you deserve a spanking I kind of want to interview that person, but they do seem kind of boring.
Well, they're a professor someone says school Moon deer who? Qualification is God has used me to be a vessel and spreading the gospel says is this some kind of sexual thing? It's a great question on Deer and then someone else Daniel Santo says message me That's normal though on this threat. That's no deer Deer has an AI photo of a woman when she's sexy. Okay, so moon deer So this guy's gonna like explain the post to moon deer No, this person's gonna do raters to more I saw an AI Drawing of an angel and was like I want to have sex with this real woman moon deer you you're the one I've been waiting for Festival and spreading the gospel That's what I'm into I need a vessel.
I'm actually a punishment professor in New York City. I'm looking for a TA tits and ass that is That's a good by the way, you can use that whatever your name is put in New York sexy professor TA tits and ass that's yours. Are you 46? I'm looking to spank Anyway, a lot of the comments are just saying like let me help you yeah, that's normal though That's like this is the most normal time to post that. Oh, I like this one from Linda get therapy.
You're sick Oh my god windows going off on people I can tell you're doxxing Linda now Take all caps kitten to the vet lowercase What's like a reminder has the bio? Okay, Quora lat. She she sees her bio and she's like, oh, yeah I just take kitten to the vet a sex thing It's awesome. Is that a sex thing or is that a cave thing? Maybe what's your another question? You know, you're only a kitten for such a small amount of time by the time you're one year old your cat You're fully grown you got a limited window to go to the vet Absolutely This is a question for husbands and I get you know, listen up if you're an Alex or Jeremy You're about to learn a thing or two.
Let's go Punching above my weight here This question is so sad and it is do all husbands stop kissing their wives after marriage, huh? Now I've noticed Many of them keep kissing them. Yeah, they just keep kissing and the kisses never stop never end A husband's a kind of animal who might hug you and never let go I'll tell you that much right husband's love to kiss but sometimes Husbands don't want to kiss anymore. They're done They were using you for an elaborate ruse to get married to fool their family and end their kissing Yeah, they just I'm tired. They're sick of kissing That just gets out of the way and to come out for one last kiss We need to be my last day. We need to do one more job I would say if you don't do anymore kisses and you're not anti kiss in concept sure Yeah, that's true you should probably divorce your husband if you're asking this question Or as the husband not asking the question I assume this is a husband to husband No, I thought this was a wife and this is a wife going is this normal do husbands all stop kissing their wives wife here I Been bad It's very sad though I Mean I could try to find the question and see if it was asked by like a lonely wife 14 Maybe we think it's a minute maybe just wants a little attention.
Maybe what people say This may be AI What all right do not let the robots know what husbands do I thought this is one husband to the next where we've been catfished We've been catfished by AI husband. I don't know what this is This is so this was asked by Quora prompt generator, and it says This is an experiment from Quora We may share results at the conclusion of the experiment in the meantime you may disregard the questions or block the account if you're not Interested in asking questions from Quora if you have any feedback feel free to reach out to Quora product product feedback Quora calm. I don't understand And it it makes me scared. It's a prompt generator, and they're Impersonating people like us. Do you think it's AI or do you think it's a person? No, it's a prompt generator I think it's an AI It's a robot. It's trying to find out what husbands know With their with their loving knowledge strong Faithful I want to understand the husband initiate ring on finger pop you are confused robots Returned to my man game This bums me out, but this is just I wanted to be a sad real woman Now it's just a robot pretending to be a sad real woman if you're a fake person do not ask what husbands know Do not gain our husband now that's for our community Yeah, we meet up we meet up we podcast We watch football game.
We watched a big game. We clean you watch teen wolf. We watched teen wolf in patreon one time Or blade or those are the two movies we watch and then you end movie night Like no more we've seen every movie Is to be seen it doesn't seem like it went over as well as you'd hoped anyway I guess I'll read some of these answers cuz one of them is pretty good Carter who I believe is a human being and I don't know anymore human man here We Len says some men parentheses slobs think after a month or two They forget all the weird and wonderful things they did to delight and influence or the money They spent trying to romance and win this fantastic, babe.
This is slobs who do this I told you I was gonna get racial She truly watches a kiss a cuddle and the man she loves to pay attention to her the men that do pay attention to the honest needs and desires of any woman gets to have and to hold and to Quote kiss Yes until death do they part ever heard of it. I recommend the latter It's worked for me for 61 years and the divorce rate may be high But in this house me and the quote babe are still going even if it isn't so raunchy or passionate as it once was Married for 61 years. This is the thing too is you get some really wise elders on core Who know how to know how to rap?
Thanks, Len Thanks, we're gonna CBC News. Don't steal my sunshine with that great answer. It was Len, right? It wasn't it Just checking. All right. Should we read the AI answer?
No Stay away from them. They're using us for the hive mind. I don't like them I'm kind of curious.
I don't want to participate in their robo journey I want to read it because today I question I think we have to read an AI answer I'm sorry because the bots are talking to each other I'm crossing my arms is bot asked a question to all husbands stop kissing their wives of their marriage and another bot said no Not all husbands stop kissing their wives after marriage every relationship is unique a different couples have different ways of expressing their love and affection Some cuffs couples may continue to kiss frequently and affectionately throughout their man. So it's like the t2000 It turns into liquid it answers the other robots question I like that the AI saw a question that was like I'm extremely sad. My husband doesn't kiss me Is this normal and I was like, maybe I'm trying to help see I'm scared that this robots gonna take my job on our relationship advice program It's got sacred knowledge.
Like some husbands kiss their wives, but others don't look at this related one married couples How many times a day do you kiss your spouse? Is it a peck French or full-on make out my husband and I only do it once a day And I'm not sure if that's good or bad. My husband and I French kiss once a day.
Is this normal? I Show my love by playing tonsil hockey with We Had bleachers installed in our living room to meet up behind them My partner keeps going out on his own cuz he needs to feed on human flesh He's at the nightclub Is that normal? I don't like that. We're helping the robots get smarter. I feel like I'm praying the human race I'm upset. I feel like venom over here.
No, you don't Venom is not in this situation This this question is in the cat the Quora community prison talk great. I don't have a sound for that 77,000 followers come in a quarter to learn about prison a lot of people go to prison I've got to admit I would be all over like googling questions if I was going to prison I would be like I'd be like Uniforms do they do those or do I get to choose my own outfits like stuff like that? Welcome to prison talk in a prison talk boys the chain My BF committed a felony and now wants me to take his blame and punishment if I'm going to do it What should I bear in mind? Well, I survive a prison sentence. I'm very soft and weak Now the detail at the end here pretty crucial because it sounds like you won't survive with us soft How weak and soft and Here's another thing before we get into it The question is not should I take a prison sentence for my boyfriend that's gonna throw off a lot of the answers They're gonna say no don't do this.
He killed that guy. Not you Don't go to jail for him. That's not the question. The question is what do I do about it?
I'm small and weak I'm not gonna survive.
How about that? Yeah, should I bear in mind? What should I bear in mind is the question?
Yes Fall guy for my beloved boyfriend So I think what you should bear in mind is that you're soft and weak and just to like wear that on your sleeve and adapt And like that like don't try to be a tough gal No, you don't think you should try to find this one person slightly smaller and weaker than you and beat them up Well, the first day you got to go to them and cry in front of The softest and weakest And the tiniest wimpiest guy in here, you don't know if it's a woman I don't know if you've seen orange is the new black but one person is different. That's true. There's no evidence This is a woman. This could be a soft and weak man. That's it. It could be a soft and weak man in the gay relationship in which case Yeah, I don't you know, there's advice doesn't change that much What should you bear in mind you're fucked you you are small and you're weak and you're soft Yeah, you're like a bird.
You're a baby bird. You're a baby bird and they're putting you in the cage Up and spit out like a worm. This is real prison talk. They're gonna treat you like a bird and a worm in there It's gonna be crazy for the early bird fella They're gonna get you.
All right, where are the answers of this Anita Bonita says honey It doesn't matter if he's your BF your husband or your neighbor's cat No real man when asses of his girlfriend if he respected her and planned to stick by her side again Not the question not the question She's going That's it Look If you have enough wherewithal to come online and ask a network of strangers what you should do means that your Subconscious is sounding the alarm, but you're too busy second-guessing yourself to pay it any mind Being soft and weak is a choice And if you choose to keep telling yourself and anyone who will listen that that's who you are That's all you'll be so okay She's saying do go the other way with it then start breaking arms beat up a big guy hit him with a folding chair Try being hard and strong this time. Oh, no see that. I don't know. It's too risky.
I wouldn't do it Just try that just give it a try hard and strong considered being a venom like Alex bad, I'm just saying it's more relevant than ever Also is venom hard. No, he's very soft and slimy. He can be hard when his arms Transform he's not hard. He explained that he was a loser on his home planet If you hit water at a certain speed it becomes hard like if you jump off the George Washington bridge that the water You jumped off the George Washington bridge and landed on venom You would not survive would you bounce back up? Depends on venom's mood Remember in venom what he goes I was a loser on my planet I Hated nobody likes me.
They're gonna be so mad. Okay. I have never seen this that could be a thing Tom Hardy kisses venom. Wait, I'm gonna find it.
I was really into venom Star Wars It's a it's a beautiful rom-com. What could venom making out with Tom? Yeah, it's a girl venom. That's she venom. She venom. She Hulk. She venom She venom she go to jail for her boyfriend. That's when venom had boobs. Oh Venom movies seen in Hindi. Yeah, we could watch it in Hindi if we want This part's a lot better on the video because the audio isn't getting these pictures of she venom Yeah, be so titillated right now if you were watching this on YouTube It's quite a way to start your day get off of Apple podcasts.
Look at these vent. She venoms Look at these she venoms she bangs Remember that It's just reading these these answers that are like if your boyfriend's asking you to be a scapegoat for a felony He doesn't give two shits about you. It's like yeah, dude. Yeah, we know that the point is I'm going to jail for And I need to know karate now Why is everyone in the prison talk community like talk so like I don't know Flowery like this person says have you lost your ever love and mind? Is a stirred mama is keeping you out of jail, that's true All right, let's let's read the next one.
How do I tell my boyfriend?
He's ugly without him being sad. Oh my god So he must really need to hear it. Yeah, he must be a real toad He's going around being like I'm so hot This is what I'm thinking the only reason you would need to hear this is if you're like way overshooting your shot like around Even then who cares and I feel like those really confident uggos do well And so it doesn't matter that they're ugly. He probably knows he's a little worm What if they're just like I'm so hot I could probably walk into like a police station with a gun and no one would care She's like you're ugly. You're ugly Like he's like gonna do something dangerous.
I want you to be sad. I just want you to be safe. Yeah cops gonna have abs Exactly.
Yeah, I could grab it go look at my face, and he'll be like oh my god Look like a pile of pudding So black one question why me pudding Reminds me this summer. It's forming a face. It's well What does the face look like? It's a big grin. It's putting us some kind of blades for arms.
I'm trying to focus and it's really hard I Guess what one question one way I would take this question is like what insult could he use? That's like a mild to put down still like it puts him in his place, but it doesn't ruin his life Yeah, if you're mid yeah call your boyfriend mid, but that's sometimes more hurtful than even being ugly is being mid Yeah, that's true if your wife called you mid. Would you be upset about it? I'd be upset about it I'd be pretty upset.
I did I'd expect her to call me a total 10 out of 10. Yeah, yeah big Being made is very being ugly is one thing cuz it's just like oh you're mad at me being This is a sober decision you made yeah ranking me six out of ten I like we said being ugly is just you're bad. I'd be like your weighty gaga at a stars board Why are you lying Compliment kind of thing you could be like Hey, you're you're beautiful to I don't care what anybody says you're beautiful to me sure that's yeah That's actually not a bad idea. That's the way to do. That's the compliment sandwich I remember anyone says bread You're beautiful to me and then also bread and then the middle implied Nasty meat of how ugly you look I remember somebody just in high school saying that his girlfriend was really hot And then was like and you know what beauties in the eye of the beholder, and I was like that means she's not What I feel like he didn't get it Being we are all beholding my hot girlfriend What a pleasure to be That's what you could do you could be like yeah I think you're really hot take up in the eye of the beholder take a picture of my girlfriend It'll last longer society doesn't agree with me, but I think you're hot Six of one my girlfriend of the other listen you can't even call my bf-hot these days because of woke they won't let me But I'm saying it. Thank you because of Bud Light.
I can't call my boyfriend beautiful Championship is a free speech zone cuz of wokeness. I'm not allowed to be gay That is a terrible emerging problem. I think you could say you could call your boyfriend like Untraditionally attractive Traditionally that makes you also just sound like you're being very woke as well. Yeah, you're just like yeah You're not conventionally actually that's the magazines won't understand how hot you want to convention You're like hot in like the way that no one else thinks that no one's gonna say you're gonna be on the man Maxim 100 you know how I had beauty standards for thousands of years you're hot, but not according to that oh How's this okay?
So you the man maximum 100 has car man, Electra But you can't talk about Carmen Electra car man Electra is different. It's a sexy man car for an electric car man He's posing on a big sexy car Yeah, it's still pretty a hell of a thing to look at anyway everybody in the comments mad as hell about yeah Everyone's like don't do it. Which is again. Don't question. You gotta understand this man is acting out of pocket You don't people on court understand like their job is not to convince the person the Quora questioner that their question is wrong That is not your job Question we don't know their wife, but another situation this boyfriend needs to be fucking taken down I guess he needs to be removed sexual pyramid.
He lives on he's trying to steal cops God He thinks it's a sack bags Good His name's shooter. He named himself shooter illegally changed his name to that But you know what that's why it says corridors on our flag and not yours Quote from the BF Alex is shooting a sideways figure good That one's upside down. I don't care who that hits Point him right at Rob. He's looking scared Over there Rob jumped. Yeah, dude. He's not gonna blast his ass I'm just playing I think Rob is Unconventionally Why are you insulting Rob? Nothing, but hang your flag today. I think it's not like he jacked me off That's not yeah, that's not what I had buddy trying to get bare bed bottom spank to get my Wait you went bare bottom This person says he's not ugly again.
You don't know this he could be really ugly. He could be dangerously ugly Disgusting disgusting man.
I just feel like it's worth bringing up again if you were an audio listener. There's a giant flag behind You Missed that part if you tuned out for a minute if you were ordering your coffee when we explained that Salute now. Yeah, please do salute. We're giving you a moment if it touches the ground you were going to jail Or a prison you have to go in prison talk if it touches the ground. I guess we have to That's real talk. All right.
Let's do another one This one is unanswered This question is where are the baby girls looking for a daddy? I love the one I got here Alex was like hey, so we're gonna do a relationship question. It's you to a relationship advice show Where the baby girl Donovan have you can consider that baby girls is spelled with a you and not an eye Where are my baby girls? That makes it a relationship. Do I know how I found this do you wanna know? I found this one you search baby. I search for a baby girl with a you So for a baby girl with you and there was it was mostly accounts named baby girl, which was misleading, but I found this one And so my question is where are these baby girls?
There's no answer because they're hiding. They're hiding.
We don't know What do baby girls like now this question was asked by Joe mama So alive right now and Almost all of his questions are about incest. So, huh? Well, that does put an unfortunate spin on it, but pretend that isn't the case Where are these baby girls Yeah, I like that you said it like a politician yeah, we will find these baby girls I think it's like a tie-win Lannister type sure once you have their baby girls, then you there over your knee Find me the baby girls For daddy. Do you know how daddy built? Casterly Rock Lannister always pays his baby I'm loving this. This is the new show, but that's how we died cuz he was with Tyrion's baby girl Yeah, he stole his son's baby girl.
You can't do that. Is that a problem? Can I steal my son's baby girl without worrying about getting shot by a crossbow?
What's up, Rob? Oh, yeah That is the question. There you go That one's locked in Seeing the answer to this cuz there was no responses.
I'm writing it rolled out Cora calm Yeah, the baby girls are you got to head over to like just does a Yahoo answer still exist You need a regional question website cuz it's gone We were looking this up before but like there are people are like any girls read in my post and it's like yes They're millions of miles away from And and 100% of them are guests on our podcast Hey, that's not true. There's lots of loving mothers on Cora. Go mama We have a lot of questions left so as far as we can tell an incestuous man now I like this one because you wrote parentheses good answers on it.
There are good answers on it, which is not true for all of them Waitresses keep flirting with my bf right in front of me. I get so upset. How should I handle these situations? Is there anything worse guys than when these waitresses are trying to peel you away from all of your life? I can't keep them off of me. I'm just trying to eat my my patty melting Just flirting with me. I'm just trying to knock this grand slam off of my plate Keep trying to take me home. I Need my energy They keep flirting with my boyfriend. They keep trying to give him pancakes and refill his coffee How much does a waitress flirt with you for you like wife to get upset?
I think you mean girlfriend or girlfriend to get upset. This is a wife Wipes away. Hey, you'll get there. We're half married Look at the problem. Is that if you become a husband you have to stop kissing You can only give one French an A So you just need to you need to promote your GF and keep yours then and that's a Starcraft tip Yeah, that's like you have to get the right tower to be able to do that to base It's pretty much fast to be a lot of s-feed gas for that It's kind of cheesy to promote your wife while retaining your boyfriend status But at the same time, you know, what else is cheesy is these eggs on I'm having a Denny's well The waitress keeps trying to suck on my hog all dang day And so my question is she asked if you want sausage What can I do with I guess like that's my question is like, what is she saying to you, right? That's so out of pocket. Well, you know what?
Like actually arrested is like do you want sausage like I'm looking for something like a lot real answer I think a lot of men do just flirt with waitresses and I bet it's not the waitress's fault I bet this person's real question is like, how do I get my boyfriend to stop hating on every way? Okay This is what I'm wondering to or is like this partner is the GF slash wife in this situation Is she just sensitive and the waitress comes up and it's like right. Can I top off your coffee? That's the one I Say like a sweet word fuck you She gave you that second cup for free. She's probably trying to get your energy up so you can plow harder No, but I feel like I've had I can remember like as a kid my friend's dad's like being too flirty with a waitress that Happens for sure, but I don't think we should go so strong the other way that we're doing Horny waitress erasure. Yeah, that's because there are waitresses out here who do not know how to I'm so sorry to all the men out there You're assuming and it's wrong anyway, all the comments are like you gotta kill this big This one person says this happens with me all the time I was used to be Frequencing this drugstore near my previous residence and I knew knew the girl who works there She was a nice friendly girl.
My boyfriend was visiting me one time. I made a stop there with boyfriend trailing behind I made a quick purchase and greeted the girl to check out after a distracted response. She goes. There's a hot bod there I would totally date him. I smiled. I agree girl. So would I actually I am killing spree firm boundary I waved him over and watched with amusement when she tried to apologize. Don't be sorry You didn't say anything wrong My boyfriend attracts that kind of attention the girl at Starbucks the woman at McDonald's drive-thru at the checkout counter Ah, I normally watch all this with quiet abuse My boyfriend the other hand gets flustered and starts looking around trying to spot me so I can save him Tbh, I find this so endearing and amusing my fine boyfriend can't go anywhere Don't tell when in reality these women are just flirting harmlessly It's human nature to appreciate attractiveness take it in just in your stride There is absolutely nothing in this to get passive-aggressive about be happy about it after all Doesn't it show you have a such fine taste winky face winky face exclamation.
What a fine dish You've brought to the bank today It's so hard dating Ryan Gosling and bringing him around. Oh, yeah, everybody's trying to steal him from you Jenny slate had to dump Chris Evans go to McDonald's counter and they're like, oh, that's a that's a large order of fries right there And at McDonald's there's no higher compliment What a super-sized dish you have Okay, one of them this really long one is a waitress being like I'm trying to get tips fuck you Dad, that's normal.
Fair enough. Yeah, you're trying to get by man's tip. Hey, I'm not paying a normal amount of money Please give me buddy. I Will call your boyfriend, honey I Will steal your man They're trying to kill me Oh my god, this is well you said you want to talk about You said you want to talk about racist league Alex, you know, we're good I'd take it back now Should I not read this question this answer you have to use your own judgment on that I can't see I'm gonna do it I can't see it. Should I not I I'll take it out if it's too bad. Let's go. All right.
I'm just gonna say that this is a bad person who we don't endorse We do not endorse this core. Unfortunately, this man's name is Jeremy The question is gonna cut here Yeah, exactly Anyway, I do not endorse this Jeremy But Jeremy says you handle these situations by realizing that your boyfriend is a grown man Who's capable of making his own decisions and it's not compelled to have sex with any woman who flirts with him So we're getting upset because on some level you don't trust your boyfriend not to reciprocate when a woman hits on him My wife has had a fair amount of guys hit on her parentheses. It's terrible, but it's always black men It doesn't bother me. I mostly chuckled laugh I don't get upset because I trust my wife and I know that no matter how many dudes hit on her She's not going to choose them over me Parentheses because she is racist That's the whole answer I thought that was gonna be way why I'm sorry I didn't mean to that is like I dead is the kind of thing though. We're just like wow You didn't need that one detail You talk a little bit, okay. No.
Yeah, I didn't mean to make it sound like it was way more But it's just this big MCU guy one follower I know That's interesting. I Think this is you This is the goofy is looking bad He's a heavily left-leaning atheist avid gamer and huge overall nerd This guy might listen to the podcast Here's the thing my wife mostly attacks black guys about that. I mean venom This guy's a very long bio about how he's rewatching all the MCU movies. He loves Diablo He has a tag and then the end is in bold.
It says finally do not add me on Facebook. I Feel the same way honestly Not about all the bad things. We didn't like but about the Facebook thing I do black men keep hitting on my beautiful wife Do not follow me on Facebook My dream is to be part of that legendary walled garden inner circle Jeremy's face For close friends only it's a big circle Jeremy if you're listening, please hit me up. We talked about this on a bonus a few weeks ago Jeremy got paid on Facebook I did get paid. They sent me a hundred and fifty dollars for doing so many posts Zuckerberg is like you're keeping us alive Jeremy It's only I was like the top one percentile of pages because I had negative one percent follower growth that month goddamn I'm doing Facebook wrong. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm Mark Zuckerberg only sends me bills. Follow me on Facebook for some reason you can This I'm wearing a shirt from my old Facebook page.
Oh, I was wondering what you were doing there Cuz I thought you were making the blood symbol For the audio listeners Jeremy then just did like magic hands Kind of show what it would really be like to be clear. This is me and not the racist chairman. No Different to Jeremy.
Oh, Rob can do it. Oh, yeah. Hell. Yeah, dude.
The one guy on camera is doing it right now I assure you weren't sitting in a very weird uncomfortable position I would make you go up and do it in front of the camera front of the flag Make a blood symbol Yeah, we'll do on the bonus Sign up to see the blood Crips hate this one trip Blue question website that could be like the Now that's something we do it doesn't look like we've chosen a side it does We're making the blood hands. There's a red flag by this careful in LA listeners. If you're flying the core flag This is a New York podcast Alex has a bandana on Think it's cool. I came here strapped Well, you stole that from a cop Well, I just want to read this what we're from this guy Scott He says you could make a fence of barbed wire around him and make Noises if they come within an exclusion zone.
It's a great idea. No, you can't Shut up It's just imprisoning your boyfriend. You're at you're in a restaurant. That's the I'm gonna do a gif of a tongue licking lips.
All right, we're moving on. All right, we're moving on But those were some great answers What are the rules for dating your teenage daughter Jesus, okay, I got a few here You got to drop her off before 10. You got a shake her daddy's hand.
Yeah, that isn't one of the answers I did read the answers Yeah, you got to shake her daddy's hand you gotta play Xbox with me You got to add me on Xbox live Imagine you're like you only want your daughter to date someone who's like really good at doubles and halo with you or something Like you have they have to be good at gaming for you. Sorry. My dad wants you to show up an hour early I can't do ranked in apex with only doubles We need one more on our team, what's your what's your APM my dad won't date you He wants you to do this quick FPS test. Will you join my clan? By that I mean marry my daughter Those are the rules yeah, that's my rule mostly is video game based Questions the top comment is generally you should not date your daughter. You know what folks this is a comedy podcast This is the one non-incel not in cell incest question on here Weird dad question. It's a question by that is for daddies by daddies for daddies You're here on daddy Cora There's a theme episode daddy Cora daddy where all daddies all the time I'm gonna skip the go to the next one get on the lap.
This is our final question for relationship advice They're a final quarter romance question What are the good films to watch with a milf? Ooh, baby What's that recent film with like the Eminem song in it? I think milfs would love that Everyone loves that one Everyone loves that one. That's just good. If you can't think of anything I think 1999 was a hell of a year from movies and you can use that knowledge with this older Beautiful meal American pie. That's probably one right? It's a famous milf movie get your milf down here and watch some America But that's you you like that baby words mom, that's Eugene Levy Pretty good, right?
Who wouldn't want to be married? I'm kind of like a young stiffler Well, no, then it gets weird. You got to be stiff for his friend, right? So whatever The point is the age gap.
It's not the our milfs always with the with the young man, or there's a so I searched the word milf and Cougar milf differentiation came up a lot, but they're totally different So I didn't put it on your if you're married to a mother, then you've got a mill and you've got a beautiful meal I've got a beauty you've got a mother that you love to fuck That's just what you have mother that you did fuck. Yeah You did the deed and it changed the game Maybe she's also a miffle Shout out to all the moms out there. Hey, we love you. You raised this podcast, right?
It doesn't matter what movie you watch ultimately she's going to give it to you Light-hearted movie and take her I Would be a good movie for a milf, I've never seen spawn maybe I'm raising, Arizona Yeah, there's all kinds of good. I'm assuming the milflakes classical literature like spawn spawn Todd and McFarland Casablanca spawn Breakfast at Tiffany's These are just photos of milfs this woman says 2012 sexy, baby a documentary about sexiness and the cyber age Documentary 2012 sexy, baby, is that real? Can you Google 2012 sexy, baby without me immediately going to jail? I don't think this is real Alex. I think this is just a porn bot They're gonna think that I'm trying to date an 11 year old when really I'm looking for the film 2012 sexy, baby All right, we're looking that up Jamie look that up Sexy baby is a is a movie for 2012 12 year old girl and a 22 year old who yearns for a normal private parts are chronicled in this thought-provoking dock About how porn social media and pop culture affect women and girls. This is a good movie to watch with your milf I'm not trying to provoke thoughts right now. No, this is bad There's one kind of thought I'm trying to provoke and that's what if venom ate your brain featured review to two at ten stars depressing You don't want to get your milk trying to bring her down keep her cool that way she lasts longer not watch this with a milf Please put my milk in the fridge Someone says the girl next door 2004. Oh, it's a girl.
That's what I'm gonna mill gone milf Max Kiebel's big move Now I found the next cables big mil This guy's name is Neil the guy who asked this he's a writer at medium parentheses social media Good nice try that he's so horny Neil so horny a lot of his questions are about like technology. Yes, DevOps engineer Yeah, and a lot of them are about like can people see if I'm on only fans Oh, no, how can I restore a deleted account on only fans? Oh Neil?
You've been a bit of a problem What makes Will Smith credible for the best actor at Academy? Oh cuz he'd been so many movies Many of which would be great to sit down with your milf.
Yeah joy for the evening What about that one where it's as him and his son and they're like in space, but it's on earth Oh that called after after earth. That's what it's called. It's it's called Will Smith and son Bring the after earth to guys Milfs love after earth cuz it's has so much of the family units welcome to after earth All right.
Anyway, that's that question. Let's move on to Politics now, let's change it up a little bit big politics. This is the quiz course. We've got two Quick politics questions. We know that you have politics so much. Yeah, I was always expert. He's harvesting I'm the senator of Chicago He's kind of approaching tort reform So this is a good annoying politics question.
Let's talk milf law. Is it sexist to wish a happy milf day? Here we go The liberals are back at it again with milf day supposed to say merry milf day Happy fuckable parent I Probably want you to watch a woke movie with it. TikTok's not gonna like that clip when I post it There's a war on milf day Jeff Kesselman says the first words that come to my mind are insulting and creepy not sexist It's supporting milfs. How is that? Insulting and then so what month is milf day in just at the flesh out what we're talking about here milf day is March is it's May 18th March is the same.
It's May 18th. Yeah, it's it's May 18th.
Hey like for real No, okay You're just so much and you know about all the hip days. I thought maybe what day was you wear a sombrero? Alex you're not gonna believe it.
What is it? May 2nd? No way right after late. I don't know in 2024 will be May 12th Oh, it's like it's like not it's like a Chris. It's like Easter's. Yeah Depending on the year.
It's on the it's on the Jewish calendar Milk day is kind of close to July 4th is here Gotta get something for my milf. It's it's related to tubish vat They have the trees This is killing with a subdivision of our listeners Rob's into it I Think is these milfs you gotta get something right? I Was gonna guess mayor March because that starts with M and M is for milf elements for milf. M is for milkers And is for milkers may is for may I touch my milf, please Mommy says yes, the problem is once you're married.
I can only kiss once a day. That's true It's a I have no mouth and yet I must kiss mother of the kiss is just that's called milk There's one answer on there that just says suppose it's your woman's birthday if it were your birthday You love it if your woman would do anything you wanted. So you think she'd like that, too I think it would be nice if on my birthday.
My wife was like by the way, happy milf day We've got one more question and this is a politics question cuz this is the politics category and the question is Donald Trump and absolute dilf Lord is he now this is going to divide the show because you know We're not that kind of show usually not a politics everybody can listen in and enjoy this and we're gonna talk about milf day We're gonna talk about things, but we don't discriminate Donald Trump. Is he a dillf and I think that's what we're going to do The real thing is it's a ratio of the fact that he is at at minimum a gilf No, he is like 75 years old none of his kids. Oh, you know, does does? Does junior and Eric do they have kids some one of those fuckers has to have some kids Eric Trump They're like each 60 years old Pull that up Baron by the way Baron were a dream guest for the show. Eric has two children Eric has two children. We'd love to have a bear Baron. You're you know about you're even younger than Jeremy and even taller than me You've got all of the traits we want Okay, so so Trump is a gilf. Yes. I knew it confirmed I know can you just be a dillf with your like What's the word I'm looking for infertile heirs like if it's not your fault, aren't you just promoted to gilf if you're 75 now All right. I guess you gotta have that you gotta have the proof you gotta have the papers. Well, he's a gilf and Can gilfs be daddy?
I mean they're they are their granddaddy and daddy kind of at the same time double down double your daddy He's the president he's the nation's daddy it's so true. He's not president right now. Well, but he was woke media He's not the dad He's the dad no wait not the stepdad he's the dad who showed up There are women who want to have sex with Donald Trump out.
Yes, you see them They'll say like they have the science. They're like grab me by the pussy. Yeah Which is actually assault?
Do you think he looks worse than he did eight years ago eight years ago? Yeah, cuz he like really has like a beautiful big shape right now. He's like a like a cursive D right now He's very squishy. He's a he's got the permanent forward stance Yeah, and that's something a daddy has when they're ready to attack Kind of stands like a toddler It's a toddler or he's a daddy who's about to come right over there Hey, don't make me lean towards you Like when his arms turn into blades, that's my favorite part of Donald.
It's rare, but it is terrifying I've word searching for some art of that right now. I was trying to find the Do not come oh Do not oh Yeah, thank you. That could be on the sign board.
I'm gonna come We're not topping that folks that's the episode I do think that's the funniest thing that's ever happened Absolutely at the point one more time. I'm sorry do not come just wait Kamala do not come I'm gonna come I will say The do not come get said a lot in our household. Yeah, you repeat it to each other often Well, it's cuz otherwise you're gonna come in that cup did not come I'm not a bust Absolutely.
All right. Well all the answers here are just I don't know who cares. Yeah, they're people are mad daddy Children who are mad at daddy Someone says he wishes or to be precise. He wishes Ivanka thought so That's a low blow at Donald Trump of all people That's our former president come on Someone says dickhead. I'd like to forget come on. Yes, that's not what it stands for And then someone said this is a dill and then it's a picture of just like a guy Is in fact a deal those love to wear a zip-up hoodie over no shirt if a dad has abs I feel like it's heretical in a way. I feel like it's not cannon.
I don't know who this man is, but then they also post John F Kennedy and Who just it's a normal looking man So we've established that Dilf's are the president yeah from there Daddy He is also daddy young Joe Biden was very handsome. I don't look at those pictures of them. They're all They're all handsome That's not true. Have you seen the young president pictures the young Donald Trump's handsome, too over Cleveland was it the young Jill Stein's like a Knockout she's incredible.
I was just looking like swimsuit magazines. I think it gets young Jill side. Nobody got the playboy 1965 The knockers on young Jill Stein. I Stand by this a hundred percent Secret fashion show where all the Jill Stein's walk across the stage. I thought I said that as Robert. Yeah, you walked Rob Yeah, yeah to go to the bathroom to jack off I had to look up you I don't know what you look like if they were ugly they wouldn't be running I know what normal Jill Stein looks like I guess I do yeah, how do you even how do you right?
I don't see it. I don't see any pictures of how do you host a show with cavemen like this?
You know that's my question Jill Steen's Hillary Clinton young okay, I can't They're all good-looking people. That's why they're politicians. They get they look weird later. What sure I think everybody's hot yeah, they're all beautiful and Waitresses are trying to steal the president from you And no one's ugly.
He don't have to cry. Let's ask a question. Can I steal my son's baby girl?
That's a great one right that up I do not be a baby Space girl spell it right spell it right Donna, thank you so much for coming on that's been corridors. It's been great slap it five Ha ha That's right live in the studio with the flag. We got the flag up Working our listeners find you a home and abroad.
I'm gonna stare right into the game please Please I've learned that you're like supposed to be doing that the whole time. It's kind of weird I kept gazing after the sides. I wasn't sure I want to make eye contact with the other people on the show It's like a little guy looking at you. I'm scared.
I'm looking right at you listener listen to radio Frito Bay It's a dating and relationship advice show you write in the questions You could be the the Quora person you write us the questions We answer them and so is it by me and my lovely co-host Audrey. We're doing it for five and a half years That's wild. We're experts. Happy anniversary RFT beat on me radio free topic on everything. That's pretty much it.
We're free to bag on everything Where is my baby girl? Where is she?
Come on, Dan? Also, we have bonus episodes every week very oh wait No, that's this week never bud. We have all kinds of great stuff So it's behind the paywall we did a whole episode about Hitler, I swear it's our best it's also okay It's so this is worth this is worth mentioning all when I search relationship questions. They're still all about Hitler Half of the website is Hitler or some reason if you if you're curious about Listening to our patreon go listen to that episode fantastic All right, check it out by a month and then unsubscribe if you need We're telling you to do that and in the meantime go ahead and question everything. Yeah, we have a flag now Fuck you fuck you fuckers |
cracked | rick_and_morty_fans_are_mad_again | Fans are complaining about the new Rick and Morty voices, except they're not new yet. Let me explain. As you may already know, Season 7 of Rick and Morty will not include Justin Roiland, the show's co-creator and main voice actor. This is thanks to a flood of stories about his bad behavior both in his personal life and behind the scenes at Adult Swim. But Adult Swim and Rick and Morty are forging ahead with a new, unnamed, sound-alike voice actor who will be playing the title roles that were previously played by Roiland. And last week they released a promo video for Season 7, with Rick in it, not saying who was playing Rick.
I'm letting him destroy me, Morty, but now we're gonna do it together. You and me. He's gonna take over your life, Morty. Rick and Morty, Season 7, hunting my nemesis.
So then predictably, Justin Roiland's stance flooded the comments being like, the new voice sucks, it's different and it's noticeable, Rick and Morty's dead, bring back Justin. There's just one problem with that. That clip was taken from the Season 6 finale of Rick and Morty, so they're just complaining about his voice- |
dropout | your_tumblr_dashboard_sings | Welcome all to the greatest of all of the internet's many diversions. We've got picks, we've got laws, we've got gifts large and small and even a couple perversions. I'm a corgi in a costume, I'm a tasteful nude, I'm a Gucci's frittata, I'm having brunch, dude. Welcome to the old tongue of feet, so click reload, there's more to see. Short, short spits, hats, clothes you can't afford, heels flat, no opinions, just fashion, fashion, fashion, fashion, fashion. I'm Benedict Cumberber obsessed with me, frankly this makes me uncomfortable, I think you're confused about my sexuality. This is the time, season, of community, animated gif, animated gif, animated gif.
Time to wake up, guys, this ten minute documentary's gonna change your life. Remember that we're vlogging, it's just as good as actually doing something.
Oh my god. So important. Uh, wait a minute, no, this was funded by corporate lobbyists, so gotta think before you re-blog, idiots. Oh my god. No way!
You are such a shape. Have you seen this trail? I think it's gonna suck. Could this come out already? I'm such a fan of his stuff.
Contrived. Stylized. Too sweet. Booey.
Why's it gotta be in 3D? I've never, ever said this. I think it's from the musical rant. Please side your sources, cause I think they might be fraudulent. Martin's a dear friend, you people are sick. Why would we ever suck each others? Ahem. Up here, big boy.
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Look at them icons. Wanna create a little content with post. Hi pets, we'll help you get your tumbler whistle wet. I'm the intelligent one. But I got the news. I'll get you more v-blogs than all these girls come by. I'm just a little chump post. No one ever makes a chap post. Put a lid on it. Just a wig.
Celebrities mounting up. Toot-a-thumbler. Keep reading. Woo! Long article.
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We are the citizens of your tumbler feed. And tumbler is a happy place for creativity.
Our ancient road is endless. You'll never let in go from this. And you'll never let your work down again.
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cracked | why_mortal_kombat_is_more_complicated_than_game_of_thrones | Okay, I'm heading out. Remember to move around a little bit so your legs don't stiffen up like a coffin would. Shhh.
In the middle of a cutscene, if I miss any of this dialogue, I'm not going to know what's going on. I'll be totally lost for the rest of the game. I'll have to hop on a Reddit and beg for a story FAQ like some fool third grader. Can you just pause it?
Another word! There. Now that everyone is done flapping their guns, we can get back to the action at hand.
Is this Mortal Kombat? Mortal Kombat X. Or 10, depending on how you feel about Roman numerals.
Personally, I have no strong opinion for or against. No way!
I love this game, man! I played this all the time when I was a kid.
I used to come home from Little League and just, wah! Rip people's heads off to blow off steam. You had to blow off more steam after Little League? Yeah, well, my dad was the coach, so... Well, simulated decapitation is a powerful stress reliever.
Yeah, man, you should have told me you were playing Mortal Kombat. Wait, why were you so worried before? What piece of information could a Mortal Kombat cutscene possibly contain that you couldn't just look up on a moves list on the internet? Oh, is it telling you how to do secret fatalities or something? No, I'm playing the game's story mode. Mortal Kombat has a story mode?
Yeah, surprisingly robust one, too. The game about a guy with a metal face, and a field laborer from colonial China with electricity powers, uppercutting pretend Jean-Claude Van Damme at the swimming pools full of assholes. Yeah, right? It's great. It's basically still just that.
Several dozen one-on-one matches against the computer that constantly forces you to change characters, tenuously connected by two hours of cutscenes. That sounds exhausting. Yeah, they really keep you from getting any kind of rhythm going. It's sort of like putting iTunes on shuffle when you really just want to keep listening to the same Tom Petty album. But it's a welcome change of pace from the standard single-player modes, most fighting games often. How is that a welcome change of pace? That's the only reason I play Mortal Kombat. So I could just punch a whole lot of people in the face and have to worry about a bunch of made-up birds and imaginary conflicts.
And you can still do that, see? Watch me float a haymaker right into this guy's head. So who's that guy? Is he a new character?
No, that's Scorpion. No, it isn't. Scorpion is my guy. I know Scorpion. He has fire powers and a skull for a face? Oh, to be fair, we all have skulls for faces. They're just covered in skin. And no, that is Scorpion.
He regained his human form after the Earth's special forces defeated the fallen Elder God, Shinnok, in the gensai chamber at the center of the Earth. Did you just have strokes?
Scorpion was trapped doing the bidding of Quan Chi, an evil sorcerer from the nether realm for decades. Now, thanks to the gensai chamber, he's free and none too happy, as you might imagine. Who's Quan Chi? Quan Chi is a plain striding sorcerer that's secretly been at the center of Mortal Kombat games since the very beginning. You said you're a Scorpion player, right? Yeah. So you know Scorpion was murdered by Sub-Zero before the first game even started. Right, and he came back from the dead to like, bust shit up. Well, Quan Chi sent Sub-Zero on that mission, dude. And once Scorpion was dead and in the nether realm, Quan Chi made a deal with him to turn him into an immortal spirit of vengeance in exchange for his loyalty, spawn style.
I thought the bosses of the game were the forearm guy. Goro, Prince of Shokan. The shape-shifting old man. Shang Tsung, personal sorcerer of the Emperor of Outworld. And the guy in the American Gladiator's armor. Shao Kahn, that's the aforementioned Emperor of Outworld. There was also a centaur, but he never fit into the story in any meaningful way.
I'm pretty sure you still have strokes.
Shao Kahn sent Shang Tsung and Goro to Earthrealm to win 10 or X Mortal Kombat tournaments, which would allow him to cross over and invade and claim the whole planet for himself. Of course, they fucked that right up, so Shao Kahn resurrects his dead queen and uses her to tear a hole between the dimensions for his invasion, because sometimes you gotta do things yourself. So after Shao Kahn's invasion is thwarted by the noble earth warriors, Quan Chi sees his opening and uses his ancient magic to free Shao Kahn from his prison in the nether realm. And that's what's happening in this game? Oh, good god, no. No, that was like 18 years ago. Shao Kahn was defeated and imprisoned using a magical amulet. So then Quan Chi joins forces with Shang Tsung, everybody Shang Tsungs tonight, and they use their combined magic to try and awaken the army of the Dragon King. Hey, what the fuck are you talking about? But they accidentally summon the Dragon King instead, and he goes hog wild, so obviously all the parallel realms have to join forces to destroy him.
You know, I was going somewhere, I was um, I was late for something, where was I going? I... Shh, where am I?
Then, after the Dragon King, a giant superman made a molten lava shows up, and the whole 1K gang has to team up and defeat that, at which point the entire world is pretty much destroyed. They take a game off to go fight Batman, then Raiden, Doc Browns everyone back in time to the very first game, so they can try to prevent the total obliteration of the planet.
Do they? Yeah, kind of. In this series of events, which I couldn't repeat to you even if I was paying attention, justifies in your opinion the conceit that a group of people take turns fighting each other one on one to the death. Guess I haven't thought about it that much.
You know, I liked this game better when it was just a bunch of rainbow-colored ninjas cartoonishly murdering each other. Well, the old games were made for the arcade, when people would only play for maybe X minutes at a time. Now it's all about the home market, where people play for hours, if not days on end. We demand more from our games, you know, we're adults now.
Just through an old lady. Oh ho ho ho ho ho! Nice!
Do it again. She has to, like, respond to it again. Hey gang! Thanks so much for watching another escort mission. Please click all of our clickables.
And what else should they do, Greg? Uh, haha, tell us how you guys did Little League? Alright, I was thinking something video game related, but sure, let's just derail the comment thread and talk about sports.
Sure, yeah, that's what I would like, actually. And our... I'll chime in, too. To our aggressive fathers, wearing us down, wearing us down. Hi dad! |
dropout | this_news_anchor_reads_your_comments_as_news_live | Good afternoon, America and internet audiences at large. This is College Humor News, the only news organization in which you, the College Humor commenters, decide what we're reporting on. You comment on it and we will report on it. You've heard of the fake news problem, well it starts here, with us and with you. We are flying without a net, and anything you decide that I should be reporting on is what I will indeed report on.
These pages in front of me, ladies and gentlemen, are blank, merely blue.
This just in from reporter Chicky the man, good news, I got a soda. Chicky the man has been stranded on a desert island for the better part of seven years, with only a cell phone that he uses to let us know how he is surviving. Good news for Chicky the man, he just got a soda, which we here at College Humor News delivered to him via airdrop.
You might ask yourself, why didn't we deliver food or even a healthier beverage? The answer is, we're big diet Sunkist fans. So is Chicky the man, and we thought we could all cheers together over a diet Sunkist. Something about that orange flavor just really wets the chops.
This just in from reporter MushroomCraft1, Donald Trump has officially met with the Lord Kermit the Frog. In an incredible turn of events in the religious world, it has been confirmed that indeed there is a God in the sky hanging out there above the clouds, and it is none other than America's favorite Muppet, Kermit the Frog. Ladies and gentlemen, this is an incredible test of faith. For all of us here who have believed in a deity in one form or another over the years, I myself have prayed to Gonzo. I know many religious group who have prayed to Animal and prayed to Ralph, but I don't think that anyone saw this particular green, small, morose turn coming from the religious sector.
This just in from reporter Spencer O'Dowd, our man on the ground, Hittite is now the official language of California. Hittite is now the official, well if I'm going to learn how to speak it, I should know how it's pronounced, and I have no clue. Nor do I have any clue how to speak it. But as it's now the official language of California, and we are in California, it is my profound duty to start speaking this language using only my best guess. So here I go. I've decided that it's sort of like German.
This just in from reporter Nightson Gaming, a new church has been open to worship Kermit the Frog, which makes total sense since we have now learned that Kermit the Frog is our Lord and Savior. Many people are taken to a form of prayer that involves sitting in a, on a rock by a pond strumming a ukulele. Apparently these messages are the ones most likely to reach Kermit the Frog, who once again it's been discovered is God.
This just in from reporter Deadpool's, aliens are taking over the world. And the extraordinary turn of events in all this is they're having a great impact. They have taken over our city systems, transportation is running more regularly and reliably. The economy is up. The Dow is soaring. People are falling in love more easily and have less stress in our lives now that the aliens are in control and we all have to worry less about work. It seems that we should have been rooting for the alien intervention for a long time. It's humans in a terrific stroke of irony that were the problem all along.
This just in from reporter Meatballs4Life, striped ties, striped ties are now illegal. And given this remarkable turn of events, I myself will be going to jail shortly. This will be my final broadcast since I will be a goddamn motherfucker if I deliver the news in anything but a striped tie. Striped ties are my personal religion. Kermit the Frog can go fuck himself. I feel so powerfully about my power tie that I'm willing to go to jail for it. To be a political prisoner, to have only two meals a day, each one just a bad gruel and bread for the sake of this, my tie.
This just in from reporter Caleb Underwood, games are banned from the world. That goes for any kind of game, board game, football game, or even the games that men and women play together as they're entering into a romantic relationship. Games of any kind have been outlawed. If it's a game, it's now like a striped tie, an outlawed from this world. Which makes all the sense in the world since games, especially those played between a man and a woman as they enter into the brief but important period before they fall in love, are manipulative and bad. I myself don't play games.
When it comes time for me to venture into that brave frontier of love, I'm straightforward and I say things like, hey, your nose is pretty, want to grab an avocado sandwich. I find that the straightforward approach is best.
Sorry, this just in. Breaking news now from Cool Bro.
Striped ties are now legal again and I will no longer be a political prisoner, which is good news. And yet bad news, it is bittersweet. I was prepared to go to jail for the sake of striped ties, which again, I will say are the one thing I love most about life on earth. Putting on this tie in the morning gives me a sense of purpose, a sense of power, and even an erection. The fact that they're legal again means that I will no longer have to dodge the police as I've been doing, not so successfully by airing this broadcast, but I can live in peace knowing that righteousness, meaning a boner in the form of a tie, is alive in the world again.
This just in from Nicholas Kaldi, your mom, meaning my mom, is making ravioli. Now my mother's ravioli, I've been eating since I was about seven years old. It is the perfect combination of cheese, rubbery outside, and bland tomato sauce. You may not like my mother's ravioli and in that case I say to you, go fuck yourself. My mother's ravioli is the most tasty thing on the planet. As far as things I like, I put it right up there with striped ties. Now sometimes my mother would make manicotti and at those times I would look at my mother dead in her with my cold eyes and I would say, what are you doing? Since manicotti is just like ravioli but with less noodle, in who in their right mind, ladies and gentlemen, wants less noodle?
This just in from reporter Isaac Fernando, Pokemon are attacking the Trump Tower. But Mr. Donald Trump does not seem to be phased. He's running around that tower with phone in hand yelling, got to catch him all, got to catch him all. Secret Service are hot on his tail trying to tackle him in order so that he can be safe from the Pokemon and yet Mr. Trump seems to think that this is some sort of game. More and more Secret Service are pouring into the building and Mr. Trump however seems unphased. Once again chanting, got to catch him all, got to catch him all.
This just in from Jason Hunter Leaf, ravioli is illegal. Well ladies and gentlemen, I am a man on the run again because I will not stand for a political system in which my favorite noodle dish is illegal. I stood up for striped eyes and I will stand up for ravioli too, even if it means eventually being put in front of a firing squad who riddle my body with bullets and leave me a heaping mess of tomato sauce-ish blood on the ground.
This just in from reporter Alfie Chenary breaking news, my dog is on fire. I have here on my computer screen a little home surveillance system that I've been watching in order to make sure that my tiny little yorkel yorkel left alone today for the first time is okay. Apparently he is not. He managed to climb up onto the stove to light the stove in a remarkably tragic turn of events and is now streaking around my house himself on fire, lighting fire to all of my personal possessions. He is almost like a little fireball. Eventually I can only assume that he will die. Turn to a crisp and lay on the floor, forfeiting his life to his new fiery destiny. And at that point he may lay less of my house on fire. Therefore, while it is tragic and I feel incredibly emotional about it, I can only hope for his quick death in order so that my house might be more safe. This just in from reporter Brandon Farmer.
Vowels will be phased out by 2020. Apparently this move comes from our new incoming administration. We'll start with the A's and eventually lead to the E's which will be eliminated come 2018, come 2019. We will eliminate the I and the O and the U and then finally on New Year's we will eliminate the Y and so New Year's will become New Year's as of the turn from 2017 to 2018. Once again, Y will be eliminated on the turn from 2017 to 2018 and so New Year's will become New Year's. I want that to really settle in to everybody and so I will say it one more time. New Year's will become New Year's.
I'm being told that our time is running a little short but I suggest we do another few minutes. This just in from reporter Peter Rothwell.
Christmas tree sales are at an all-time low. The war on Christmas is apparently more war like and belligerent than ever before and Christmas tree sales are plummeting while sales of every other religious artifact or trinket are up including angels. The little angels that go on Christmas trees those are up. The little like dog ornaments that hang off of the the tree those are up and why ornament trees would ornament sales will be up while Christmas tree sales are plummeting is a complete mystery to me. Apparently menorahs are up as are fruitcakes.
This just in from Carolyn Rami. Zakoyama has just been fired. There were rumors of this after a College Humor YouTube mobile live stream some number of weeks ago that some YouTube commenters seem to think was a joke and others did not. Others were genuinely concerned that Zakoyama was actually fired. Well we've just confirmed that in fact he was fired. Now because this is a joke broadcast about a joke video you'll have to determine for yourself whether or not that statement is true or false. I'll say it again in the context of a joke video Zakoyama has been fired. Is that true or not? Remember this is the fake news. Think about it real hard before you comment sadly about the fate of Zakoyama.
This just in from reporter Shiny Catterpie Lull. The term Lull or LOL is banned on Twitter. Our government seems to be engaging in a series of bans. First was the striped tie which apparently there was enough outrage about from our society and famous news reporters like myself that they reverted. Then ravioli was banned and I offered to go to jail for it. Now the phrase Lull is banned on Twitter and this one I stand by. Lull needs to die.
It is a phrase that can go out with the shitty shitty 2016. As far as I'm concerned it's an abbreviation that is outdated and makes you sound juvenile and at this point nearly like you're a grandmother using AOL instant messenger for the first time. This just in from reporter not a damn saw dogs are actually still really cool.
Not so much my dog who's really really hot as he's on fire dead on my kitchen floor surrounded by the flames that are engulfing my entire studio apartment. My poor poor little Yorkshire Terrier is nothing but a pile of ash that will be vacuumed up in my $600 vacuum cleaner. Now you might be asking yourself if I live in a studio apartment how can I afford a $600 vacuum cleaner that is because I value cleanliness above all else and the thought of living in a bigger place that I would have to vacuum often sets off my OCD in such a way where I just want to kill myself. Now I may be dead shortly anyway. Put in front of a firing squad for my love of ravioli.
This just in from Shulner Neal America is now a calico cat. In a remarkable turn of events that can only be described as the strangest thing to happen since the reveal of God being Kermit the Frog the United States if you back out enough from space NASA has just revealed is about the shape and coloring of a calico cat. Buzzfeed has reported to already launch 190 articles about this and one very cute video in which America as a calico cat seems to be getting along with Japan which is the shape of a St. Bernard dog. Josh Miller reports this isn't Fox News and that is correct this is College Humor News a different brand of fake news decided by you not a brand of fake news decided by men who look very much like me but are older and more cynical and live in very vanilla looking rooms and lead very vanilla looking lives and eat vanilla ice cream and not chocolate ice cream because they're all racist. Just a quick summary of events here in this past half-hour ravioli is illegal my dog is dead and on fire America is the shape of a calico cat in the coloring of a calico cat for that matter but luckily I'm safe to wear my tie. This just in and this is will be it for the news this hour cats have been declared uncool and therefore America is uncool and so unfortunately I leave you now in order to move to another country a country where I might live in peace safe from the oppressive forces that would have me not eat ravioli for my every meal I can't stand by a country and these are my final thoughts that would outlaw something as delicious as a cheese-filled noodle nugget that's it for the news I'm Sam Reich this is College Humor and we'll see you next time |
dropout | google_wave_cyber_sex | Hi, I'm Mark, and I'm Casey, and we're senior developers at Google Wave. The first step is to create a new wave. A wave is pretty useless if you're by yourself, so I'm going to invite Casey. Because waves are real-time documents, I can watch what Casey types as she updates the wave. Waves support all kinds of embeddable multimedia, like pictures.
Non-computer users are multitaskers who can type with one hand. I can stay organized by replying to what Mark says on the thread, while adding dialogue of my own below.
Because a wave is a collaborative wiki-style document, I can also edit what's already been written. You can embed widgets from anywhere on the web onto your wave. Google Wave is open source, so any developer can add their own extension, like this survey. One of the most remarkable things about Google Wave is how easy it is to take a private conversation public.
For instance, let's add Mark's wife to this conversation.
The best way to catch up on a wave is with a feature we call Playback. It allows you to Playback the wave so you can see how it got to where it is now. Wow, a lot can happen on a Google Wave in only two minutes. |
dropout | the_best_uber_service_yet | Uber Black revolutionized the way you think about taxis. Then, Uber X made sure everyone could get a ride. From an aspiring DJ blasting his own music. Now, Uber introduces the pinnacle of comfort. Uber SSR.
The car service that guarantees your driver will be a quiet, Russian man. Because basic conversation is terrifying for you and unnecessary for him. Marvel at the state-of-the-art GPS technology. And the quiet, Russian man who actually uses it.
Instead of asking you which way to go. Indulge in the luxury of not explaining why you're dressed up. Relax and let your social anxiety melt away. You're not being rude.
Your driver honestly doesn't give a shit about you. Because this quiet, Russian man isn't going to talk about that time he picked up the guy who played McLovin. He's not going to beg for a five-star rating. He's just going to drive.
What's his secret? We'll never know for sure. Because we don't want to ask him. And he certainly doesn't want to tell us.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
cracked | from_david_blaine_to_cher_the_week_in_douchebaggery | Each week, the news is filled with douchebags. We've picked five to publicly humiliate today, May 2nd, 2008, for what we here at crack.com call the week in douchebaggery, because that's its name. Douchebag number five, Cher. First of all, for not having a goddamn last name.
In fact, we're going to call her Cher Hunsberger for the rest of the day. The aging Miss Hunsberger recently spoke publicly about a fling she had with Tom Cruise back in the mid-80s. Cher went on to say how she was just totally crazy about Cruise and that there was just something a bit different about him. She went on to say, it was his constant craving for sex with other men. But we all know what happened to the last man Cher was crazy about, so we've bought Cruise a pair of skis.
Douchebag number four is telegenic magician David Blaine. The star has set a new record for holding his breath underwater on Oprah this week. During a live show in a feat which must have made for some really scintillating television, he successfully held his breath for 17 minutes.
Coincidentally, 17 is the same number of times I helped prevent prostate cancer today. By the way, that's a throwback to last week's episode. Our regular viewers have been rewarded for their loyalty. Thanks, Mom. Anyway, we here at The Week in Douchebag area are just pleased that Blaine has finally agreed with what we've always said.
Namely, that he's a total fucking waste of oxygen. Douchebag number three is the American Lung Association. Their annual state of the air report once again ranked Los Angeles as the city with the worst air pollution. A spokesman from Los Angeles said, quote, Douchebag number two is David Blaine. Again, it's magic, Dave. Only you are douchey enough to make the list twice in the same week. When Oprah asked Dave what he had been thinking about after his 17 excruciatingly long minutes underwater, Blaine replied, you. First of all, that's just a douchebag-ish thing to say. Second, it is pure douche behavior to imply that Miss Winfrey is in any way breathtaking. Congratulations, David Blaine. You're doubly douche-tastic.
Douchebag number one, lesbians. No, no, no. Not gay people. Citizens of the Greek island of Lesbos, who recently filed suit to prevent gay women in Greece from calling themselves lesbians. Three islanders who claim that they have been lesbians for thousands of years say the other use of the word is, quote, a rape of our historic identity and our human rights. Figures, lesbians always think it's rape. And the show has reached a new low, ladies and gentlemen. The case will come before the Athens court on June 10th in what is likely to be hailed as the least exciting way you can have a room full of lesbians in Greece. That's it for this week's edition of The Week in Douchebaggery, and before you ask, yes, if I weren't this handsome, I'd probably make the list too. |
cracked | disney_thinks_you_hate_poor_people | Hi, I'm crack senior editor JF Sargent, and the first time I saw Frozen, something weird stuck out to me. Right there was when I realized that living in a Disney movie would suck and I don't want to do it. Because, despite my charm and sophistication, no royal blood runs in these veins. So instead of dancing to the halls like Anna, I probably would have been the guy in charge of setting up that cake, because he used to have that job. Turns out, it would be terrible to have to work for living in any Disney movie. And here's why.
There's a scene in Aladdin where a wealthy prince is riding a horse through a crowd of people and two kids bump into him. The prince flies into a rage and pulls out his whip, preparing to beat those small children. But then Aladdin, the street rat, heroically leaps forward, catches the prince's whip with his bare arm, and challenges him to a fight. Furious, the prince kicks him into some mud and the entire town starts laughing at him. Is Agrabah full of Nelson Muntzes? Did these people wake up this morning hoping to see a wealthy guy beat some homeless kids in the street and are now mad at Aladdin for robbing them of that one pleasure? The prince didn't even have an epic zinger, he just had a horse. This town is garbage. I'm surprised Aladdin's first wish wasn't for a bunch of cleansing fire tornadoes, or on that note, just some food for the starving kids.
And this callous cruelty is just the tip of the sh**berg. In Beauty and the Beast, when a selfish prince tells a witch that she can't stay in his home, she curses him by turning him into a beast. Then she curses all his employees, which is stretching her role as the dispenser of Karmic Justice. Then she takes it even further by cursing his employees' children, which includes turning a kid named Chip into a broken teacup and somehow halting his aging process, since we know that these people have been cursed for ten years and Chip can't be older than five or six. Unless Mrs. Potts became impregnated and gave birth to him as a teacup, which... no. To put this in more familiar terms, imagine if your mom's boss was guilty of inside her trading, so you had to live your entire life as an Algene bottle. It makes no sense. Also, Beast has a room full of furniture employee friends that he has destroyed. How the f**k is that okay? You're going to work every day knowing that upstairs is a hall closet, packed with the shredded body parts of your co-workers that your boss has murdered and then kept around as his own personal rage trophies.
But the worst example has got to be The Lion King. This is a world where the ruling class are literally predators in charge of their prey, which sounds like a New Yorker political cartoon circa 1812. Weird joke. That The Lion King habitually slaughters and consumes his subject and that the film openly justifies this is a terrifying glimpse into the Disney Corporation's worldview. When Simba is doing his just can't wait to be king routine, he's dancing on the faces of animals that are in the throes of a kind of existential horror we can't even imagine. Because if they slip up and Simba hurts himself, they're going to be killed and eaten. And if they don't, they're still going to be killed and eaten. Everybody look left, or my dad will eat you.
And they're the lucky ones, since at least they get to live on the good part of town. If you live in the part of the Pride Lands that isn't gentrified yet, Mufasa literally doesn't think that you're his problem. What about that Shadowy place?
I'm starting to think that the scene where Mufasa gets trampled by wildebeests is less tragedy and more people's rebellion. In another scene from Aladdin, Jasmine sneaks out of the palace to explore the world and ends up accidentally stealing an apple to give to a poor child because she has no concept of what it means to pay for something.
You'd better be able to pay for that. Pay?
Jasmine is 15 years old. That is too old to start learning about the concept of currency and transaction, especially when she's going to be in charge one day. The community that she owns is plagued with horrific poverty. There is no excuse for her to be just now learning that food costs money. Really? She's 15? Does the internet know that?
In Beauty and the Beast, Beast's loyal, cursed employees bravely battle off a mob while Beast hides upstairs and mopes, even though he's a f***ing beast. He is far better equipped for combat than that candelabra or the feather duster or even like most humans. But no, he's sad. Also I don't think it's a coincidence that these people literally turned into their jobs as if they had no other identity or use, because that's all working people are in Disney movies. Tools to be used by the ruling class whenever they feel it convenient. Like Ariel, and a little mermaid has a bunch of fish friends with nothing better to do than sing songs about her whenever she needs a f***ing pick me up. Side note, how weird is this for Prince Eric right now? Are his oars usually covered in harmonizing amphibians or is this like a unique thing because either way that is a smooth motherf***er.
You can easily make the argument that Scar from The Lion King is a civil rights hero. Because even if he's lying to the hyenas to manipulate them into helping him, the fact that a big chunk of the Pride Lands population is starving enough to follow his scrawny ass into total war just for food is a pretty good sign that things aren't great. You can't destabilize a healthy populace just by offering them a meal. In fact, the only reason Scar's plan doesn't work out is because him being in charge somehow magically causes a drought. The f*** does that work?
Regardless, across all these movies, there is consistently no hope for comprehensive social reform. Even if comprehensive social reform is the point of the movie.
The central conflict of Pocahontas is that Pokes and J. Smizzle fall in love even though their cultures are so different. You'd think they'd end up together. But then at the end, the magical powers of Disney come in with a weird bull**** reason they have to be apart.
Going back is his only chance. He'll die if he stays here. Yeah, that gut wound will kill him unless he spends two to three months in the bilge of a filthy schooner eating rotten meat and developing scurvy, what the f*** are you talking about Christian Bale?
Mulan spends 90 minutes proving that women can be skilled warriors even though nobody else in that movie thinks that's true, but at the end, she decides to quietly go back to her life of being a submissive woman, why? If any Disney character deserves to graduate to a higher social class, it's her.
She single-handedly repelled a Hun invasion. This is the greatest victory in a battle for civil rights that you could dream of. Imagine if Rosa Parks had killed a platoon of Canadian Mounties with an avalanche and then defeated Prime Minister Louis Saint Laurent in single combat on the roof of the burning capital building. Wouldn't have taken us 60 more years to get a black president, that's for damn sure.
Belle's first song in Beauty and the Beast is about how she's better than everyone and it pisses me off. I understand wanting to get out of a small town and go to a city, but Belle doesn't want to go to a population center to build things or be an actor or invent penicillin. She just wants status. Yeah, there he goes, making a living, that loser? What is it you do again Belle? Oh, you read all day.
This actually gets to the heart of the story Disney is selling over and over and over again in all their movies. When a hero isn't already royalty, it's just because their true nature hasn't been justly rewarded by the universe yet. Aladdin, Tarzan, and Mulan are only treated poorly because no one recognizes that inherently they're better than everyone else. Maybe that's why Aladdin doesn't use his genie wishes to feed all the starving children that he shares the streets with. Deep down he knows that he isn't one of them, so he doesn't really have to care.
Now if you're really good with dates and movie trivia, you may have noticed that aside from Frozen, this whole video has just been about movies made between The Little Mermaid in 1989 and Tarzan in 1999. That's on purpose, because that period, known as the Disney Renaissance, is when Disney went from being just another movie studio into the unstoppable pop culture freight train that we all know and fear today, because Disney literally made half of all the money spent on movies in 2015. It's hard to imagine, but in the 80s, Disney animation wasn't doing very well. Black Cauldron, The Great Mouse Detective, and Oliver & Company had not only flopped, but they'd been beaten at the box office by The Land Before Time and An American Tale, movies made by Don Bluth, a former Disney animator who had left the company to pursue his own projects. So not only were these movies financial failures, they were professionally embarrassing. And here's where we see the shift. Most of Disney's movies in the 80s were about underdogs, Black Cauldron is about a kid working on a pig farm, Oliver & Company is about an orphaned cat, and The Great Mouse Detective is about a mouse. And in 1989, Disney had a runaway success with The Little Mermaid, a story about a princess with tons of friends who ends the story just as wealthy and powerful as she was literally the entire time. From then on, there's a clear connection with the Disney hero's status and how much money we deliriously throw at the screen. Movies like Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast are about royalty doing pretty well, and they rake in the cash. But look at the failures, Rescuers Down Under is about mice rescuing a working class kid from a poacher and it bombs, partly because 90s audiences don't know f***ing genius when they see it. Pontus is a princess, but of the underdogs. Hunchback is a gross guy who doesn't even get the girl, and Hercules decides at the end to not become a god. Disney's stock dropped 10% because of that movie.
That's not a joke. Now, obviously there are other factors that determine why a movie is successful. Hercules and Hunchback aren't very good, Beauty and the Beast is damn near perfect. But like any company that's putting out movies and art, Disney is looking for patterns. They want a correlation between box office success and content, because that means they can predict future success. So they're using these lessons to inform later movies.
Like in Frozen, for example, where the Snow Witch Queen Elsa freezes an entire coastal community, dropping the temperature so low that people inside the castle almost freeze to death. The movie never mentions the fact that anyone who doesn't have a castle froze to death a long time ago.
Also they're super disrespectful to the event set up staff. Just wait until we're not there anymore so it's not our fault when you ruin my cake for Christ's sake, Anna. I made 12.50 an hour. So I didn't just do the cake thing. I actually mainly installed dance floors. But there are no dance floors in Frozen, so I called actually, I have less experience with cake than I do with dance floors. Also Gaston's kind of an a**, but that doesn't fit with what I was doing here. Please like and subscribe. |
TheOnion | the_gameological_society_digest_reus | Hey, Gamelogical, it's John Tady, your editor, and I'm here today with a first-time guest on the Digest. It has been a long time coming. Samantha Nelson, welcome. Thank you. Really glad to be here.
We've got more of our ice cream treats, and Sam, you said you like these Good Humor. I do, and I'm really excited about the fact that this is bigger chocolate cone tips since the chocolate cone is my favorite part of any ice cream cone dessert. Okay, but I have to call attention to the fact that it says it's a bigger chocolate-y.
Oh. Which raises suspicion. Is whether it's actually chocolate? Yeah. Right. Let's break into it and give it a try.
I'm always just like the cone. I feel like the prepackaged cone, I'm not a big fan. Really? Yeah, you can't measure up to an actual cone, I always think, so why do you even bother? That's fair, but they have the chocolate cone. I don't know. How's your... Yeah, I just feel like the cone shape sets me up for a letdown.
Like you just want like a fresh, nice scoop on top? Like a fresh cone. This isn't as good as a fresh cone, right?
Oh, no, obviously, but... But you think for a freezer thing it's pretty good? Yeah, as far as a freezer snack goes, because it doesn't get like the freezer burn you get with a lot of other ice cream frozen treats.
So do you have time today to talk about Reyes? I do. All right, well then let's talk about Reyes right now.
You and I have both played a ton of these games over the years, games where you build up your world from scratch, and this one you actually play as the planet, which is an interesting conceit. But what I found interesting in this one is that war is not the goal. It's not even a desirable option. No, I like to call it civ for hippies. The entire goal is to have these civilizations and develop these civilizations to have them not really interact with each other and certainly not go to war with each other. I mean, I would find myself paying attention to one civ and then I'd come back to the other and be like, what are you doing with an army?
Right, right, because that sneaks up on you. What happens is that if you develop it too fast, if you give them a lot of wealth or a lot of food or what have you, they'll start to think that, oh, we're pretty bad ass. Look at all the resources we have. We must be the chosen ones. Right, and that's why I love the awe statistic, which is because there's certain things where they say, oh, we can farm chickens. We're amazing. But, oh, that peacock is really pretty. We should probably be nice to God. Maybe there's something else out there that isn't us. And I just think that's such a great way of controlling the growth and the greed that comes with it. Right, you have to instill awe and you can have peacocks, you can have exotic animals. They have really pretty rocks, different gemstones, and it just, yeah, it makes sense. It's the things that, as an actual person, make me think, wow, that's, nature's amazing. Humble you.
Yeah, and I just love that it's not just about getting to the top bigger, faster. It's all about sustainability. Again, with the whole sieve for hippies thing, it's about making things work with each other. I really love the symbiosis system. And because it's such a small contained space, it's tricky really to, you can't have everything.
And so while this animal is going to be better if you have a rock next to it, well, that rock is going to be better if you have a plant next to it. And that plant is going to be better if you have another plant next to it.
And so then the question is, really, what are you focusing on? That's the interesting part at first, because when you start out, you are just like, okay, I'm going to put some chickens here. And then you click on the chickens and it says, oh, well, the chickens do a little better if you put some herbs next to them or whatever it is, right? So you start out the game and this is a lot of what you're doing, you're reacting. And I think in a lot of these big world sim games, that's what you start out doing, just trying stuff and reacting. And then over time, you learn to plan, you learn to lay things out a little with a little more purpose.
What I like about Reyes is that it's still fun during the reactive stage, right? Absolutely. A lot of blasts, just trying stuff out and seeing how it mixed together. Yeah.
And even with the terrain, I mean, I made a few mistakes during the game. I would build a mountain and it would turn my forest into a desert and it's like, oh, no. Or I once tried to, very early on, wasn't aware of how exactly things were working, where I could put resources. And so I was trying to give my people some more rocks and accidentally put it on an apparently important building and they just started freaking out and dying. And I felt really bad for them because they hadn't done anything wrong.
I did find the tutorial to be a bit long. Yeah, no, I agree. I mean, it took me a while to kind of get to the experiment phase and they've got a lot to teach you, I understand.
But getting back to talking about it with Spore, it actually made me more disappointed with Spore because I found it was more creative than the Civ phase in Spore, which is just like every other Civ phase. It's like, all right, you've got your Civ, conquer everyone. And that's not what this is about. It's about maintaining a balance, which I think is super cool. What's interesting to me is that, like you said earlier, that you don't want the civilizations to even interact with each other because all they can really do is go to war with each other, right? Also kind of a disappointing thing because if my ideals sit for hippies, they could peacefully trade with each other.
It's like, you have rocks, we have food. Food for rocks?
Right. And I was a little surprised at that because everything else interacts with each other. All the plants and minerals and animals, they all interact with each other. And the buildings cause different things to happen in terms of the plants and the animals and the people. The ambassadors interact with the giants and make the giants better. So yeah, I mean, the whole theme seems to be interconnectivity and codependence. So forcing all of these societies to live in isolation seems antithetical, actually.
But I was kind of okay with it also because I didn't, there was one less thing to keep track of. Yeah. If I also had to keep track of trade relations and while also making sure that my blueberries weren't getting in the way of my chickens, I don't really know what I would have done. Can we talk about another stat? We talked about awe. Sure. Do you want to talk about the danger stat? Yeah, sure.
This is another way that the game upturns your assumptions, perhaps, because when I saw a danger, I saw it when I introduced foxes into one ecosystem and the foxes can prey on the chickens and they can attack your people, I suppose, if they're... Really aggressive foxes, really aggressive rabid foxes. But it tells you, like it introduces some element of danger.
Right. And that's actually good for your society. It turns out to be good.
Which is awesome because you think that that would just be something you'd want to avoid altogether. But it gets, again, it's one of those things where it keeps them looking inward and thus they're less likely to go to war with your other civilizations, which is good. Yeah, because they're too busy taking care of their own danger.
And I think it's similar to the awe stat in that it's all about humility. Sure. It's all about just taking care of what you've got going on and be humble. How many games, especially Civ-type games, have you played that are about humility? No, because it is a god game. It's supposed to make you feel all powerful.
Like, look at me. I can make foxes and, you know, kill everyone.
But that's not what this is about. It's about controlled progress, which is really interesting thematically. And I just think it's an ideal indie game for me. Yeah, controlled and I guess sustainability is a big part of it.
Absolutely. But I agree. This one was a pleasant surprise. Yeah.
And Sam's going to be back in a couple of days. We'll see if Ballpoint Universe is another pleasant indie surprise. So we'll see you then, Sam. Thanks for watching. And so long for now. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_celebrates_st_patrick_s_day | Hello, I'm Margaret Jo Mccollan. and I'm Lynn Burchaud. And you're listening to the delicious dish on National Public Radio. Well, Lynn, Faith and Megora, I'm happy to say that one of our all-time favorite holidays is upon us. St. Patrick's Day. Now for most of us, this lusty and raucous celebration means one thing above all else. gathering with rowdy friends to convivially overindulge in that nectar of the gods, bicarbonate of soda. Wow, Head Rush. that's right, Mj, this miracle ingredient is the cornerstone of the luscious and savory taste explosion that is Irish cuisine. Where to begin? we could do a whole show alone on the electrifying kaleidoscope of Ireland's dry flat breads. she could.
I have a real weakness for them, as you know. Speaking of weakness, Mj, anyone who knows me knows I have a weakness of my own. I know. dangerously anemic.
Well, yes, but actually what I was referring to was my fondness for cabbage. Ditto here, yeah. I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who didn't find a swirling cauldron full of stewed cabbage leaves. Irrepressibly erotic. I find I never feel quite so much a woman as I do when I am standing at the stove, my hair wilted from spectacular amounts of greenish steam, beads of perspiration condensing on the underside of my bosom as the blanched white heads rollick in the foamy boil. I'm really lonely sometimes. I know, me too.
Yeah, it's neat. fun. Yeah, it's fun. good times. it's good times.
Well, Margaret Jo, the peat bogs of the Irish kitchen require the navigation of an Irish chef. So, we've got someone special here today to make sure your errand go bra is an errand. Go blah. Good Lord, that's funny. he's here to steer us through the lepre pros and leprechauns of Irish cooking. Seriously, stop. you are killing me. What can I say? I'm on fire. Well, please welcome the author of the book, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the Flidagho Nolofalagong, the emerald lagasse of Galway, Liam Shaughnessy.
So Liam, I take it that this long Gaelic word in the title here means kitchen. it does, indeed, although in certain countries it is also bawdy Irish farmhand slang for cattle insemination. It's neat. it's a homonym. vulgar. Yeah. it's good times. Yeah. So Liam, we read your book. and needless to say, the way you describe rinsing dirt off parsnips would give James Joyce a run for his money. Well, indeed.
And this cookbook is very special to me, because I've dedicated each recipe to a special family member. And I come from a large and colorful family. for example, my recipe for cod cobbler is a delectable mixture of blanched white fish topped with creamy, clotted cheese. sounds good. sounds good. Yeah. it's my brother Deccan's favorite dish. Oh, your brother must be so thrilled to be mentioned in your book.
Yes, he would be, but he's dead. Yes, he died from a parasitic infection he contracted from handling pig droppings. I'm so sorry. Yeah. wow, what better way to memorialize someone than with a wonderful codfish recipe?
Well, that's what they always say. they do. that they do. Yes, yeah.
I also included my cousin, Dermot's favorite dish, bruised turnips. You know, turnips are such an underrated vegetable. they really are. they're beloved of children from 60-60. not unlike Dermot, who was 60, but had the mind of a child of six. Yes, indeed, he wandered into the ocean one day, and the nearest we could tell, he ended his days violently sucked into the propeller of an eel-trawler. But his love of bruised turnips is what I'll always remember. that's touching. yeah. powerful.
Oh, and then there's my Grand's potato cake recipe, also known as boxed In. My Grand, you know, she was a colorful woman, and she had a rhyme to go with all her recipes. the rhyme for this dish used to go,: boxedy on the griddle, boxedy on the pun. If you can't make boxedy, then you'll never get a man. you can say that again. boxy on the griddle, boxedy on the pun. If you can't make the boxedy, then you'll never get a man. Your Grand sounds like quite a character, she really does. Yes, yes, a dearie, My Grand, yes, but now she's dead, you know. it's a funny story, actually. she went to be with Jesus after eating a dodgy patch of Uncle Declan's cod cobbler.
Oh, is that the same cod cobbler recipe you have here in your book? Yes, indeed, the very same.
Well, that's all the time we have. join us next week when we spice up the airwaves with a rollicking discussion of Bonger. that'll be good. And on Friday, the Supreme Court ruled that homosexuals could march in Boston's St. Patrick's Day Parade, causing sponsors to cancel the event. a spokesperson said organizers of the parade, which normally attracts loud, drunken revelers, were afraid to include anyone who might cause a disgrace. Interesting. And now, here with the St. Patrick's Day song is U2's lead singer, Bono. Bono? what do you got? for too many years, St. Patrick's Day has gone hand in hand with reckless consumption of alcohol. but it doesn't have to. I hope this song helps you find other fun things to do this year. sometimes it's fun to slide on the kitchen floor in a new pair of socks. sometimes it's fun to paint dots on your face and tell people you have chicken pox. sometimes it's fun to make a castle out of pudding, chocolate or butterscotch. And then it's fun to take that pudding and rub it all over ex-mayor Kite. no doing beer buns, no jigging Master Shooters, no headbutting your mom, no grabbing your cousin's hooders. Don't get wasted this St. Patrick's Day. sometimes it's fun to have a staring contest until somebody blinks. sometimes it's fun to send a bar of soap to a guy you know who stains. sometimes it's fun to go to the arcade and try to get high score on Zach's arm. sometimes I watch the karate kid with a guy from happy days says wax on. people they'll send to me, for goodness sake. you don't need a beer, just have yourself a shamrock shade. so green and creamy. green and creamy. I dream of genius. feel scalloping in, surely fleeting. no more getting wasted, no more getting silly. no more waking up with two naked guys from Chile. for God's sake, stay sober on the same. St. Patrick's Day, thank you very much. Well, it's St. Patrick's Day, a day of heritage, food, and fun. let's see what we have in store this year. you like my tie? everyone knows if you don't wear green on St. Patrick's, you get pinched.
I'm naughty. You like corned beef? I make my own. if you don't get it, kill yourself. this is a Guinness. they say it's the same as eating ten slices of bread, but I never woke up naked after ten slices of bread. how's it going over there, Steven? Good. you dressed like a leprechaun this year, Bud? Yeah. Steven, what did I say about eating butter? Do it. that's right. Oh, look at this. a four-leaf clover. they say they're good luck, but not in my experience. one of these little guys killed my whole family. have you heard of a shamrock shake? I find Mcdonald's version a bit pricey, so I make my own. I take a glass of milk and leave it outside for a week. almost ready. Look, of Irish quotations, Oscar Wilde says, we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. not bad for a stupid Mick. what do you got there, Steven?
I found a pot of gold. I think that might be a big jar of mustard, bud. tastes like gold.
Steven, how do we know each other again? you won me. that's right. my dream is to go to Ireland and kiss the Blarney stone. until then, I'm just gonna have to work with this guy. fake it till you make it, I guess. Oh. this is St. Patrick. and this is St. Cat-trick. it's not sacrilegious if it makes you smile. Ooh, look at these. these are potatoes. Guess we won't die of a potato famine this year. more likely, the flu. Lucky Charms. it's like the little mascot always says, it puts the lotion in the basket. or it gets the hose again. What's going on over there, Steven? making shepherd's pie. getting the crust, you. Oh, Steven. here's a needle point on my grandmother's favorite Irish saying, Erin Go Brockovich.
The Irish have a rich tradition of poets, artists, and statesmen. I made a collage of some of my favorites. I only bring it out once a year, then leave it out for the other 364. In St. Patty's, I always watch my favorite movie about Ireland.
Kathy Ireland Total Fitness Workout. I know one body part that's going to be sore afterwards. my calves. I should explain real quick. I use my legs to masturbate. Help me, help me. the lamb is eating all my gold. an Irish Mojito. Yes, please.
And today is St. Patrick's Day, which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. here are some tips for what they could check out. This is our weekend update: City Correspondent.
Thank you, thank you so much for joining us, Stefan. Connor, Percy. it's nice to be here. thank you, Stefan. So the parade is now over.
I bet a lot of people are out there looking for a great New York hangout. Do you have any recommendations? Yes. If you're drunk in midtown, doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York's hottest club is Gersch. inspired by true events. this former Cvs, which became a Chase Bank, and then became a Cvs again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. like when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. desets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel esquire.
Plus, you can play everyone's favorite party game, The Stranger. What's the Stranger? do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?
Yeah. well, it's when you sit on Billy Joel's hand until it's numb and then you rub yourself with it. wait. wait, why does it have to be numb? So you can pretend it's Bruce Springsteen's hand.
Alright, so fine, let's get back on track, okay? I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick's Day and they might be looking for something a little different, you know? Yeah, something more Irish themed. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, la la Land. you're both right. If you're Irish or just white and violent, I have the St. Patty's place for you.
New York's hottest Irish Club is off by Church, Mother! Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of 3000th Street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive, this gang-ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer's 2004 wedding. This place has everything. peeps, Ted Talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire.
Alright, so five. please, call me by your name. Fine, Colin, just give us that one place. tell us that one place that ordinary tourists might enjoy, please. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you're ordinary and you love seizure-inducing Malaysian music, I have just a place for you.
New York's hottest club is. Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
Built in the upside-down world, this haunted hospice was closed when inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease. Now, what disease do you get from sexy asbestos?
Misohornioma. This place has everything. young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel-esque car.
But avoid the dance floor on Wednesdays when a dozen hot doxins and corgis get in free. they call it long and low nights. I don't trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. thus, you can party in the Vip room with a group of human squatty-potties. What is a human squatty-potty? it's that thing of, you know what? it's a new era, and I don't want to say a word that could be insensitive. may I consult my lawyer quickly?
Shai. human squatty-potties. it's that thing of when you sit on the toilet and to have good posture, two little people crouch on the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their heads. I'm really glad you made sure to make that insensitive. thank you very much. On that note, let's take a closer look at political correctness. it isn't a closer-look Seth thing. Oh, Seth and I are versatile. some nights, I do it, and he's under the desk. it's Stephon, everyone. he's signed 2020. we're calling Joes. good night. |
TheOnion | Kim_Jong_Il_Ends_Nuclear_Program_For_Lead_In_Next_Batman | The State Department has announced that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has agreed to suspend his country's nuclear program in exchange for the lead role in the next Batman movie. For more on this story, let's go now to our Senior White House Correspondent Jane Carmichael. Jane, what exactly led to this deal? Well, Brooke, it's the result of six weeks of high-level talks in Geneva that began after Kim Jong-Il sent Secretary of State Clinton several elaborate oil paintings he had made of himself in a Batman outfit. Oh, a clear signal that he was ready to talk. Yes, that's right, but the negotiations were very contentious. Apparently at first, Kim said he would only shut down his reactors if he could play every part in the film. His spokesman conceded that point last week. Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman shall be allowed to participate in the film so that they may learn the glorious craft of acting from the dear leader. Now enjoy this special dance we have created to celebrate dear leader's ascendancy to Batman. |
SaturdayNightLive | top_5_most_watched_live_sketches_season_48_saturday_night_live | Hey, everyone. just want to check in on you. is everything going all right? we've been getting some complaints. Oh, because we black? we over here minded our business. this fall, a new medical drama for our times. it's Hot Girl Hospital. Ma'am, I'm right here. you in good hands. what's her status? forty-six, female, made as hell. she ain't giving away what's supposed to be gay. Oh, my god, and the fit. trash, garbage. I need a Bbl stat. six ccs of tummy teeth and whatever fashion nova we got. What's a Bbl? just let my basic ass die. no, Ma'am, you gonna be a bad bitch real soon. Hear that? From Shonda Rhimes and the top commenters on The Shade Room's Instagram, it's Hot Girl Hospital. the story of three everyday heroes glowing up their community, one dusty chick at a time. Oh, girl, I got to work a double tonight. girl, I know, and I got a weevo plastic followed by an emergency twerk exam. This job, I swear to God. Who that? who that? my friend, my friend, he's been in an accident. I don't want to die. uh-uh. we don't do all that anymore. when life is on the line, these are the three women who will answer the call. say something rude, then hang up. Hey, I'm Charlie, New York Presbyterian, Cardiology. Okay. but we don't do that here. we do wigs, butts, and clothes. if you want something else, you more than welcome to look around. Okay, so what kind of hospital is this, then? Okay, so boom.
Draymond Green had gotten in trouble for punching his teammate, right? And the Nba had made him do community service. So basically, he had flew out a bunch of Ig baddies and put us in a building with some gurneys and some wheelchairs, and he called to the hospital. Thank you, Draymond.
The New York Times calls it somehow empowering and regressive at the same time. And Variety says, I don't feel comfortable reviewing this as a white guy. Five Stars.
I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. it's an emergency. um, I ain't talking to no Dr. Simmons right now because, um, she faint. What? can I just see a doctor, please? I mean, you can see her, but I'm not gonna get her. Nurse, where's Janelle? Talk about how she faint. she got a little white coat and thinks she better than everybody. Okay, well, can you just page her, please? imagine? Imagine me saying, Paige and Dr. Simmons. couldn't be me. couldn't be me. all of the drama, none of the appropriate response. Because at the hot girl hospital, help ain't on the way.
Please help. my wife's water broke. ahh! oh, no. the one who bein' out dms every day. Oh, snap. what's up? do you know them? Hi, baby. I've never seen them before in my life. you think you slick. come in here with your wife, White. talk about her water broke. Boy, get your lying ass on. good luck to that baby. her daddy went all birds. And on a very special season finale. where's my wife? is she okay? Oh, she wasn't okay, baby. she bad. girl, come on out, girl. it's giving. thank you. you better, you better work it, bitch. hot girl hospital, coming this hot girl fall. turn that music off and sit in your seats.
My name is Ms. Fink. and I will be your substitute teacher today. Now, I don't know what your regular teacher does during this class, but I am here to instruct. and you are here to learn. And there is one more thing you should know. I believe in you.
Now, I don't care what you've been told your whole lives. you are not dumb. you are not a lost cause. maybe everyone in your life thinks it's high school, then the streets, then prison. but not me. when I look at this room, I don't see thugs. I don't see dummies. I see a group of young people whose only fault was being born the wrong color in this country. So, yes, you may be dumb today. but what you are tomorrow starts right here in this classroom.
Am I understood? Yes. Okay. Now, don't be embarrassed. how many of you can read? um, all of us?
Miss, this is an Honors level physics class. This class is that? Yeah. every class at this school is Honors level. This is a stem school? Okay. we all had to take a college level test to get in here.
Okay. did the principal not tell you that? Nah. And wait, who was calling us dumb? Nobody.
But when you came into the class, you gave that long speech and you said people were saying we was dumb. Who said that? Okay. and who said we were born the wrong color? what was that about? Yeah, that sounds racist as hell. it does Now, yes. What kind of school did you say this was again?
It's a stem school, Miss. it stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. all subjects I know very well. S-t-e-m. But I like to say it stands for students Together achieving much. But Miss, the word achieving starts with an A. Exactly. did we all hear that? let's all try to be more like La Quanticia. Oh, my name is Amy. quiet unless called on.
Now, let's begin the lesson. where did we leave off in the text? the 237 Particle Behavior and Wave Mechanics. that is a big old book. I will read. Okay. a photon can behave both as a wave and a particle. This do. um, Miss, it's duality. Now, one more time for me, baby. it's duality. detention. And that concludes the reading.
Students, here's some truth for you. sometimes the teachers are the ones who are dumb. and sometimes they take a job not realizing it's at a stem school. Um, is a stem school, Miss, with an E? Detention. And sometimes that makes them say and do racist. But you can't hold that against them. because some of these teachers did not go to college. But Miss, I thought you had to go to college to be a teacher.
Detention. The point is, I believe in you. and that is why I should still get paid for today. Class dismissed. but the bell didn't ring. In yourself. The hell is wrong with this damn door? Miss, the door opens in. you gotta pull it. it's a pull. Detention.
Toast to our birthday girl, Shayna. to Shayna. And let's not forget her baby sister, Lisa, who flew all the way from Temecula to celebrate with us. Lisa, we've heard so much about you. it's so nice to finally meet you. mm-hmm. that's cute. but don't think I'm giving up the butt tonight.
I'm sorry, what? she is just kidding. don't mind her. sorry for the way your steak should be cooked to your liking. Now third time's a charm. extra, extra. well done. So, Lisa, do you always order steaks like that? I didn't know you could get them extra, extra Well. Mm-hmm. cook my meat.
I don't want to see not one speck of red. I can't be getting sick tonight.
I gotta be in court in the morning. Wow. you're a lawyer? Uh, yeah. she is actually the lead litigator on a class action shoot against Walmart.
Yeah. a couple of their coin-star machines exploded. I ain't gotta tell you what happened next.
Wow. that's really amazing of you. I really admire that.
Tis, what is going on with your little friend? he is really doing the most trying to get some butt tonight. excuse me? Oh, my God. nothing, Paul. girl, could you not start with that? Okay, you know what?
I'mma just sit here and eat my steak in peace. Well, anyway, I, uh. oh, I didn't tell you guys, uh, but a few nights back, this, uh. this dog, this dog followed me home. I'm about to tear this thing up.
Oh, my god. when I opened, uh, when I opened the door, he just. he just sprints it inside, so now I'm running. that man ain't giving me no ketchup. I'm running around my house trying to catch him. sis, you got ketchup over there? girl, just eat. can you just eat without ketchup? You think it's gonna be nasty without ketchup?
So, uh, anyway, I. I guess I had two bones. in my basement. that's so crazy. what are your odds? Sis. girl, sis, I gotta cut you a piece of this steak. this steak is busted. Lisa!
Oh, my God. can you just chill? he's trying to tell a story. I heard the man. Oh, my God. I heard him. he said he got chased by a dog.
Okay. okay, Lisa. okay. what? what? Antonio Banderas over here. trying to get some butt while he got ketchup living in his basement. hey, everyone. just want to check in on you. is everything going all right? we've been getting some complaints. Oh, because we black? we over here minded our business. I'm just making sure everything's okay. actually, everything's not okay. there is wine all in there, food. it's all over the floor now. y'all need to do better. Lisa. yes, Antonio. I understand you don't want to be sick tomorrow, but you have been sawing that steak. this is a mess because of you. Okay. now, hold up now. I'm not going to let y'all corner my baby sister, Lisa, who came all the way from Temecula on my birthday.
I know that's right. Now, does my sister have terrible listening comprehension skills? A thousand percent. I know, that's right.
But she's the oldest sister I've got. Bitch, we the youngest of six girls.
Okay. okay. Well, at the end of the day, no matter what, up the floors, she's my family. And there might not be a damn red speck on that damn plate. Cook my meat, okay? you know what? you know what? y'all just haven't had it, right? babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me, and I just don't want you to get scared off. Louis, don't worry. we're good. Okay. all right.
Whoa! Mami Minta! we're home! we call you, though. I'm coming! Mama! you've been mad at my life! my young mirror is single to my college boy. I missed you so much! you don't talk enough! that's why I eat you. I put you in jail. Ah!
I love you so much! Well, I love you too, Mama, And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Brittany. Hi. yes, Miss Flores. I'm Brittany. I've heard so much about you. mmm. you are cute. you dress like a boy.
I like that. Um, mama, let's eat. how about that, huh? My love. And, hey, my parents taught me never to come empty-handed, so I did bring some vegan sliders. Louis, hey, it's Aloka. yo cosine para todo esta nina vina amicasa con vegan sliders. um, is she talking about me? Uh, yes, but in a good way. don't worry. mama, we're hungry, huh? yes, and this looks great. um, where should I put these? I'll take it. thank you. And then, then, take this. See? see? Uh, everything looks so great, Mama. thank you.
Okay, oh, my gosh. Okay, listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son.
Like, Luis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for a semester? Oh, no, no, no. And I set you up with my family doctor. what? well, I helped Luis out. now he's on Add medication, and he's doing a lot better. my son! don't have Add! he just like to jump! Oh, well, Add isn't anything to be embarrassed about.
Demi Lovato has it. Okay, she hates me. she's not talking about you.
I don't care. that's okay. Okay, that was all English.
Client, please, I would just love to start over. Yes. can we please just eat? How about that? Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?
Grace? oh, me and we. why didn't you tell me she was a woman of God? Oh, my God. now, where are my grandchildren?
Doctor, I can't believe this. How long has my husband been awake? since this morning. And hey, call me Doctor Jim. he's still very weak after the coma, but his mouth is moving and it seems like he wants to speak. Oh, my God, I thought I lost my best friend. this is a miracle. I know. Look, he's waking up. Charlie, hey, it's me. welcome back. Oh, my God.
Where am I? Why am I not bad? I don't got anything that's going on right now. Doctor? this is very common. he's going to be a little confused at first. Why is everybody. Who is everybody?
Why am I wearing papa? did you say paper? no, that's your hospital room, buddy. Yeah, Honey, you were in a little accident. why are you calling me Honey? who are ya? I'm your wife.
Okay, not today. Did he say not today?
Honey, we've been married for eight years. let's just put a pen in there.
Doctor? he may not recognize you right now, but the important thing is that he's up and talking. yeah, but he's talking with this, like, L.a. mush mouth thing. I mean, I've literally never heard that before. you think I sound a lot? Thank you, I love a lot. he has a totally different personality. this is completely normal and temporary. there's even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages they've never before. can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, Saba, Sama, Sama. sounds like Spanish to me. No, it's not Spanish. Is his brain okay? let's find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. you measure my life into hours, and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. what am I? duh, you're a condom. he's fine. that's how you test for brain damage. Okay, honey, look at this video. this is what you normally sound like.
Hey, babe, made it to Arkansas. pretty cool place. miss ya. Okay, he's the hottest guy I've ever seen. why's he live in Arkansas? No, Charlie, that's you. you were on a business trip in Arkansas. that's where you got hit by that Party City truck. that's not mine.
And who are you? another wife? No, I'm not your wife.
I'm your sister. let's put a pin in that. Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things?
Are you sure his brain is okay? Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, identify these objects, okay?
Ba. B. Ba. Bill. Ba. he's fine.
Great job, Charlie. Oh, thank you. please, please. I want my old Charlie back. look at him. Ma. I'm less scannier than him. that's because you lost 50 pounds in the coma. Oh, good for Ma. Doctor, I just.
I just don't know if I can handle this. Oh, my god. don't cry. you're gonna make me cry. come on. hold my hand.
Look, I don't know who you are. And despite what they said, I can't speak Spanish.
But the important thing is, you're my soulmate. and you and I, you and I are going to be fine. See how he's sounding clearer already? Because no matter what. people. people always gonna. people always gonna do the dog. And Bill Ba. and that's the tooth. Okay, he's backsliding a little. what do I do? meet him where he's at. Charlie. and that's never gonna turn.
Oh, no. oh, no. really? yeah. I'm gonna cry. |
cracked | monster_management_cracked_series_trailer | You're terrifying. Horrifying. You are nightmares personified, and that is not a phrase I band-aid about recklessly. Literally the first time I've ever heard it.
We're not here to tell you how to be scarier. We don't have experience in that end. Anyways, it's none of our business. Could you even imagine if we tried to get into scary? We would just embarrass ourselves. What we do know?
Branding. You need to start thinking, really thinking about your brand. There are a lot of monsters out there, and we're gonna help you stand out from the crowd, but you're gonna have to trust us. Babe, you are in the best position possible. We love you.
We did it with werewolves. We did it with vampires. We are going to make witches sexy again.
Frankenstein's monster just sounds slow, clunky, and stupid. Sorry, this is what honesty sounds like. We are printing money. Comics, toys, TV shows.
Are we kidding? Are we kidding me?
But what of the children, Democrats? Why are you still in the conversation? It's beyond me. It's weird, though. What were zombies invented for in the first place? Romero used them as a commentary on consumerist culture, run amok. I've decided to ignore that. That is such a good call. I can make anything sexy. |
cracked | 4_ways_action_movies_trick_you_into_thinking_they_re_deep_yboc_mcu_star_wars_deadpool | Hey there nerds, Dr. Jordan Breeding here to ask if you'd strangle a baby in its crib if it meant saving the lives of 10 elderly people. Can't decide? Don't worry, the baby is secretly Cyborg Hitler, so it doesn't matter. Forget I even brought it up.
["Sci-Borg Hitler Theme"] Movies about people shooting each other are often more interesting if they make you think about why the shooting is happening. That's why films like Sicario and No Country for Old Men win piles of awards, while Sicario II and Two Country Two Men were quickly forgotten despite both movies featuring a scene where Josh Brolin raps about the border. Run that mouth, you're gonna take it in the back and screw you. But much like Joe Rogan, movies often want the credibility that comes from looking thoughtful without the hard work of actually being thoughtful. They'll sometimes have complicated villains introduce interesting, complex themes only to immediately abandon them the moment that they get in the way of exploding heads.
And these philosophical magic tricks include ["Sci-Borg Hitler Theme"] In The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, the villainous Flag Smashers are understandably quite upset that their name is dumb as shit and also that they and many others were left homeless when half the world's population suddenly popped back into existence. Meanwhile, the new Captain America discovers that performing summary executions on foreign soil with big ass shields to the face is frowned upon for some reason. ["Sci-Borg Hitler Theme"] Finally, a Marvel story that raises issues more complicated than, I wonder what kind of space of the Hulk is gonna punch next? ["Sci-Borg Hitler Theme"] Like, how much responsibility do we have to the world's poor and desperate? When do superheroes cause more harm than good? I hope you're not expecting answers because those are some rhetorical ass inquiries. The Flag Smashers progress from robbery to blowing people up kind of just because. Their leader, Carly, is supposedly getting more desperate but the situation is so vague, she comes across as somebody who just skimmed Wikipedia's anarchism page and spends her days punching scarecrows that are wearing T-shirts that say, the economy.
Ready? Fight!
After Sam stops Carly's final plan to take a bunch of politicians hostage, he gives a rousing speech about how we all just need to get along. It's a unifying approach that's worked no times in American history. He basically says, hey, Mr. Stock, evil politician, the people who threaten to murder my sister raise some valid points.
Please think about solving poverty forever, thank you. You've got to do better, sir.
And then the show ends with nothing having been resolved. Is the global whatever council struggling with massive logistical problems or are they just a bunch of lazy assholes? It doesn't matter because the people that explode happened exploded too. And the problems Marvel says we should actually care about have been solved by spinning around in a circle with metal wings outstretched.
I forgot to talk about John Walker, but man, so did the show. Dude went from psychopath trying to murder my boy Bucky to trade equips with him an hour later. Wait, is that a metaphor for how quickly America forgets the atrocities it commits?
Probably not. The question you have to ask yourself is why you no love me?
The Incredibles 2 has the same problem. Its villain, Evelyn Badpun, wants to sabotage the public rehabilitation of superheroes because she thinks society shouldn't rely on them to solve all their problems. And to do this, she uses mind control to blow up a boat full of diplomats. Okay. Things get sillier and sillier and then you die. I mean, based on what the movie tells us, Evelyn is kind of right. I mean, we shouldn't trust superheroes to solve all our problems. Her father was murdered because he foolishly waited around for a superhero to save him. Why does society love flashy but fallible systems more than reliable but mundane ones? Why are we so obsessed with the idea of superior people who can always bail us out? I don't know because Evelyn attempts a mass murder in lieu of just posting a bunch of insightful TikToks. Hypoxia, when you don't have enough oxygen, things seem really silly. And yeah, I get it. We can't make a fun drama out of Carly running a food bank or Evelyn writing a stern op-ed in the New York Times, but the message accidentally ends up being, you'd better be happy with painfully slow, incremental improvements because people who are real uppity about wanting to improve society are all crazy murderers.
Don't you think that's funny? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Gene Roddenberry's Jurassic World fallen kingdom opens with news that the dinosaurs of Jurassic World are about to get volcanoed into re-extinction. Why Jurassic World was built at the base of an active volcano is never explained, but while the government is willing to let the dinosaurs die, our heroes want to save them.
But look out, because the villains want to also save them. But then, sell them.
It's basically the exact plot of Tiger King.
Guess what, motherfucker? The movie hints at big problems. I mean, what are the consequences of playing God? How much responsibility should humanity hold for our misguided creations? But we never find out, nor do we even keep asking because the heroes want to open a dino sanctuary, a dino park, if you will, a park for animals living in the Jurassic period and such. We'll think of a name, but the villains want to use the prehistoric killing machines to guard warehouses full of iPhones. Clearly, that's the real issue here. Motherfucker. By sidestepping those bigger questions, the movie is just two hours of Chris Pratt screaming, me and my bus friend, a raptor genetically engineered to obey my every command, think we shouldn't tap her with mother nature. Guess what, motherfucker? Spitting in the face of God is fine as long as you don't monetize it, which is ironic when you're making the fifth movie in a franchise that's constantly resurrecting the sad, tired corpse of the first movie for more money, which is also probably spitting in the face of God because he loves the first movie.
Anyway, the upcoming Jurassic World Dominion is going to be about how humanity needs to adjust the widespread existence of dinosaurs, even though they should probably be asking whether continuous violent dinosaur rampages should maybe be stopped. I mean, no matter how much Bryce Dallas Howard wants to coddle them. Instead, it's please watch our billion dollar movie about how people getting swallowed whole by monstrous creatures is fine as long as no one's trying to make a block off it. But consumers want them bigger, louder, more teeth.
Iron Man 2, if you can think back through the misty haze of 50 other Marvel movies, pulls the same trick. We learned that Tony Stark's dad, Roger Sterling, developed his magical arc reactor with the help of Soviet defector Anton Vanko. But Vanko wanted to make fat stacks on the black market, so Stark Sr. shipped his roosky ass to Siberia and took sole credit for the reactor, while Vanko drunkenly raised a ice cold Mickey Rourke.
Better to be dead and cool. And alive and uncool.
Now, at the risk of getting ostracized for taking a bold political stance, I think that selling dangerous technology on the black market is bad. But also, Howard Stark became a bajillionaire weapons mogul. It's not like his powerful morality made him a poor or something. This is one of many Marvel movies exploring how past failings come back to haunt our heroes only to back off before that exploration makes buying an action figure unpalatable.
Power up. And unleash an arsenal of awesome firepower. All at your command.
I mean, Howard Stark talked a big game to Vanko about creating for the good of society, but he didn't exactly give his ideas away. And also, all of his ideas pretty much kill society, so. Do people as rich and famous as Howard and Tony have a moral responsibility to use their wealth and power for good? Is there a right way to sell weapons? I mean, how many people have Stark weapons killed anyway?
I don't know, because in the Marvel movies, the past only comes back to haunt you in the form of half-naked dudes with whips. To be fair, it's also something that I'm haunted by.
Ah! So Mickey Rourke tries to whip Tony's ass to death because he's angry about his dad getting a bummed deal and Howard's whole, you know, I wanna use technology to save mankind, but also, here are hundreds of expensive ways to murder mankind that will make me richer than most countries' hypocrisy. That all gets shoved under the cashmere rug. I mean, hell, Rourke even gets help from an evil weapons conglomerate, as opposed to all those super friendly ones, just so you don't have to feel too bad about rooting for Tony. And so what starts as an interesting moral dilemma becomes, yeah, cashing in on mass death is fine, but don't be a dick about it. What are you talking to the right guy? Crap. Deadpool, the beloved X-Men Origins character, got a pretty silly movie of his own, but Deadpool, too, attempted a more serious story in between all the beheadings and child parts. Ah!
The premise is a psychotic badass called Cable travels back in time to kill a kid named Russell before he murders his abusive orphanage headmaster, then gets a taste for crime, and then grows up to be a super villain who kills Cable's family. Deadpool gets involved and tries to save Russell's life by convincing him to follow a different path. A million criminals are slaughtered in the process, and yes, that is the plot of Looper.
Exactly. Literally.
Deadpool succeeds in redeeming Russell, but then the headmaster is immediately killed anyway by a side character's wacky gag. It's like the movie couldn't decide if it wanted to be a serious drama or the big budget version of a nut-shot compilation, so it's a story about Deadpool and Cable butchering dozens of random bad guys while debating Deadpool's argument that anyone could be redeemed, except, I guess, the abusive headmaster.
I'm gonna miss him.
You seem great. And the countless people that they murder. I want some more. I bet you do, Brown Panther.
Cable is redeemed despite being an adult man trying to blow off a child's head. So clearly, no one is beyond help here. Again, I get that you can't make a thrilling action flick out of Deadpool convincing dozens of guys to go to therapy, but while the good moral dilemma can make a movie feel weighty and serious, it's hard to solve these problems within the confines of what makes an action movie fun and successful. And so, you end up with a worldview where problems, no matter how interesting they are, ultimately have to be riddled with bullets until they magically go away. Your face looks backwards. Now, I'm not saying that characters shouldn't be redeemed. I mean, redemption is great.
God knows I need it thanks to certain proclivities. What's that, those brushes? Yum.
But a story about redemption doesn't work if it's also a story about gunning down faceless masses. Then it's just a story about one of our pop culture overlords deciding which beloved character they wanna mark it next. I mean, take Loki, who, spoiler alert, is the star of the hit Paramount Plus series, Loki. Loki involves both time travel shenanigans and oodles of plot twists.
So this is gonna get a little complicated, but I know you dweebs can handle it. Ready? Okay, here we go.
Tom Hiddleston's Loki is arrested by the TVA, an army of magical time cops who intend to execute him, but Owen Wilson plays Owen Wilson. If Owen Wilson was a magical time cop recruits Loki to stop a different Loki named Sylvie, who's been brutally murdering time cops like time cop murderers going out of style. But it turns out that the time cops have been kidnapped and brainwashed by the boss time cop who is evil with the help of a less evil mini boss time cop. And so Owen Wilson rebels to help the Loki named Loki and the Loki named Sylvie, and as part of their attempt to stop the evil head of the time cops from brainwashing people and ruining lives, they kill some grunt time cops who were brainwashed and had their lives ruined.
You are alone, and you always will be.
So what's weird is the TVA is initially presented as good and Sylvie bad, so there are creepy scenes of Sylvie setting time cops on fire and torturing them, otherwise taking a little bit too much pleasure and dispatching them. But then the show wants you to sympathize with Sylvie because the TVA treated her like crap, but we shouldn't be mad at Owen Wilson because the TVA stole his life and screwed him over too, except all the people that Sylvie brutally executed were just as kidnapped and brainwashed. We're just not supposed to care about them because they don't have Owen Wilson's folksy charm or crooked ass nose.
Remember, the Loki and Loki is the same Loki who sent an alien horde to blow up New York City, presumably killing thousands of people, and yet Loki's redemption story in Loki is only about how he learns to be less of a lying dick to other MCU protagonists. That's a good lesson to learn, I suppose, but there's a reason that Marvel made a show about Loki and not say Malekith. Loki is a fun character, and you don't even remember which movie Malekith was the villain in.
Fatal attraction, I think. A look that led to an evening. Look, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty for enjoying Marvel shows. I have a tattoo of Spider-Man crawling out from between my butt cheeks, but there's tension between it's never too late to redeem yourself and part of redeeming yourself means beating people to death. You end up telling stories about how redemption is for hot, interesting people, while the rest of us bozos are just cannon fodder for their enlightenment rampage. You can at least minimally solve it by having them realize how horrifying their past actions were, but that almost never happens. Loki, I've studied almost every moment of your entire life. You've literally shit your pants like 50 times, but I'd never do it together.
The hit DC show, Vision Wanda, is about exploring the grieving process, like denial, anger, enslaving hundreds of people in a waking nightmare where every moment makes them long for death, depression. Wanda is sad because her robo-bo Vision died, so she uses her magic powers to transform the town of Westview into a sitcom world, but it's made very clear that this is horrific for Westview's people. Whenever they're snapped out of their reverie, they make like me after eating even a single morsel of Burger King food and beg for help, or death.
But because this is still a Marvel show, the emotions need to make way for color-coded laser fights later, so enter Agatha, a witch with the elaborate backstory of is evil and the complicated motivation of wants to do more evil. That makes Agatha bad, while Wanda is good because she's been using magic for, let me check my... Evil? Ah, shit. Anyway, Agatha cracks a lot of jokes, but as an actual character, she's basically just a post-it note label villain, so Wanda must use her very best special effects budget to defeat her.
The whole cruel, mass enslavement thing gets pretty much dropped. It's like if you got caught having an affair and halfway through the ensuing argument, a serial killer bursts into the room, and then after defeating the killer, you're all like, what affair? I never had an affair.
How dare you? While your junk still hangs out of your pants. Keep your dick covered and shut up.
At the end of WandaVision, Monica tells Wanda, they'll never know what you sacrificed for them. They, in this context, being the horrifically traumatized denizens of Westview, which, sorry, but frigging what? I mean, yeah. Wanda eventually decided to let her husband stay dead so an entire population of a town would stop being tortured after months, which is the barest ass minimum. And yes, she did help stop Thanos, which is nice, but doing one good thing doesn't mean you get a free pass for one free crime against humanity. Soldiers returning home from World War II weren't given get-out-of-murder coupons as thanks for their hard work. Fuck off, Hitler. I get that Wanda is a morally complicated hero, and I'm not asking for a universe where all of our superheroes are so flawless they're boring, but if that morally complicated hero doesn't actually engage with their moral complexity, they're just a jerk. So if you listen carefully at the end of the series when Wanda flies away from the problem she created, you can hear Marvel begging viewers to forget about Westview, move on to the next adventure. After all, what is callously ignoring the feelings and opinions of ordinary people, if not the MCU enduring, hmm?
It's just like this wave washing over me again and again. It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes from me again.
Speaking of a world where ordinary people don't matter, let's talk about Star Wars. I've already discussed how the sequel trilogy's ambiguity ruins the whole having steaks and things you care about thing, but the Last Jedi specifically also infuriated Dorks by asking a big question. Is there really that much of a difference between the Jedi and the Sith, considering they've forever locked themselves in a forever war? But it's still a valid question. I mean, Kylo Ren has some vague plan to break the cycle and Benicio Del Toro pops up to point out that the moral higher ground is always a little slippery when you're buying equipment to blow away indoctrinated child soldiers by the thousands, so how do you stay moral during war? How can the Star Wars universe free itself from an endless conflict where entire planets keep getting blown to smithereens whenever the select few people that matter get grumpy again? Those are big questions for a franchise designed to sell action figures, and so, oh, shit! The Evil Emperor is back and it's brought evil friends. Quick, shoot now and ask questions never.
No, they fly now! They fly now? They fly now!
The moment the tech starts scrolling in episode nine, you can tell Disney realized they didn't really want you to think about why the laser fights happened, and that's fine. I mean, pulpy entertainment has its place, but for God's sake, stop trying to have it both ways. Otherwise, we end up with Bill Burr on the Mandalorian delivering a moving speech on the horrors of war and flicks on everyday people that's immediately followed by him blasting a bunch of dudes on their lunch break. All right, I'm gonna stop here before somebody brings up that time I failed to address that camera guy who used to work here.
Goodbye, old friend. Oh, yeah, man, see ya. |
cracked | westworld_for_families_on_a_budget | You've heard the stories. You've seen the TV show. And now you're ready to experience the world of the West in a celebration of sex, violence, and control.
And for just $100, or $10 in this promotional soda can, you can experience all the magic and wonder of the Old West with our state-of-the-art cowboy robots. If you would like a blowjob, press 1. Oh, did I mention? We got cowgirl robots, too. You have selected two handjob-with-robot claws. |
cracked | if_movie_hackers_were_more_like_real_it_guys | All right, Craig, you're up, buddy. You sure you can hack the system? I've hacked into the Pentagon, the Chinese currency exchange, and Obama's Skype account.
I think I'll be fine. Fine. Enough talk. Get to work.
So this guy's good, huh? Yeah, he's the best.
Why? It's just, he's not even typing yet. Isn't, shouldn't he be, shouldn't you be typing like super fast?
Don't worry. He's got this. Are you sure? All right, look, it's two, oh, it's been two minutes. Okay, hold on. ETA, buddy? How are we doing?
Because those guards are going to be on our asses any second. Hey, I'll just tell the computer to load faster. But could you, though, with hacking? Craig, those guards, they're almost... Okay, so stop the guards with bullets. Can do. I will, but there's a reasonable limit. How about you let me decide what a reasonable time limit is for hacking into a high-level security system?
All I'm asking for is an ETA. A minute? What?
I knew you'd be one of those people. You think hacking is so easy? Like, I just hit some keystrokes and the clicky thing, and then boom, hack. How long, Craig? All the time in the world. Look like it could be... Hacking is pretty complicated. There's a lot of guessing channels. Get into the security system, lock the door, and buy us some time.
If only, right? Yeah. Wait, what? No, do it! Oh, okay. So I'll just... I'll hack into the head of security's gun, and then the hacked gun will shoot the guy. Right?
So you can't get into the security system? This isn't hackers. I'm not swordfish. Swordfish wasn't even a character! Security systems aren't, like, a place I can find and hack into.
Just please as fast as you can. It's a little hard with all this stress around me. Stress? Just imagine you have all the time in the world. Imagine you...
Hack the alarm off! What did I just say about hacking? No motherf***ing thing! I could only hack one thing at a time! You're not hacking anything!
I'm sorry, Joe. I was wrong. Craig sucks.
It's okay, Mike. At least we'll go down together. Oh, hey.
I'm Cracked.com. Thanks for watching me just now. Subscribe to me, and we'll have more of me to watch. This is confusing to you, but not to me. Cracked.com. |
dropout | Geek_Set_Match_Um_Actually_Returns_Trailer | From Bewitch to B. Arthur, from Na'Vi to Na'Vi, from Kuja to Kujo, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. These are incorrect statements, but the things that you know and love come to you to find the thing that's wrong.
Buzz in, correct me. All your corrections must be preceded with the phrase, I'm actually. I'm actually. Oh, oh no! I'm actually.
I hate this game.
Actually, how was this in Scotland? That's correct. Oh my God!
Famous prosthetics. Please arrange them from smallest to largest robot.
I know I'm going the wrong way. Incorrect.
All our questions today will be about TV shows. Here's a question about Friends. It's all horror today.
Oh. Hold on. Okay, all right, all right.
I have to disagree with this. Twins are weird.
Can we agree? Yeah! I'm so excited.
So nerd culture is just about being pedantic, huh? What do you think you're doing? You're the most pedantic person I know. |
cracked | 11_28_07_news_on_cracked_gatorade_john_cusack_and_more | It's Wednesday, November 28th, and this is the news on crack.
I'm Lex Friedman, and I am devilishly handsome The University of Florida says Dr. James Robert Cade the inventor of Gatorade has died at age 80 Guess it's not that replenishing Cracked had exclusive video access to the funeral where we shot this emotional footage truly heartbreaking Texas oilman Oscar Wyatt jr.
Who pled guilty to abusing the UN's oil for food program was sentenced yesterday to a year In prison experts predict he'll soon take advantage of the cigarettes for not getting raped in the ass program It's a great program by the way I've been a member for years North Korea spy chief Kim Yang-gong is scheduled to meet with South Korea spy chief Kim Manbok on Thursday Where they will be watching you Excuse me Hello no bulgaki bim bim bop bop, okay In a correction to our previous story the Koreas certainly won't be spying on anyone especially you in fact There are no spy chiefs Let's change the subject by going to reporter Dan O'Brien for an in-depth look at immigration, Dan Thanks Lex today in immigration Lex has a stupid face and an ugly family more on this later Lex Thanks, Stan Older women are flocking to Kenya for sex tourism according to a recent Reuters report Kenya's new tourism slogan, of course is Kenya putting the freaker back in Africa 176 year old American woman described the Kenya sex excursion to crack like this That does look hot John Cusack is negotiating to star in a World War two period piece entitled Shanghai The film reportedly features an intricate stack of mahjong tiles Which can only be moved by staring blankly into space with one's jaw set at a slack, but oddly attractive angle The wife of missing adventurer Steve Fawcett has asked the court to declare him dead Peggy Fawcett told the court quote listen by this time his blood has drained from his body Puss is oozing out.
He's just simply a dead leaky Fawcett Odd that she chose to make that joke in anticipation of getting the ruling she's hoping for from the court Peggy Fawcett was seen celebrating last night That's it for today check back with Thursday's edition of the news on crack or we'll kill everyone you care about |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_peppa_pig_fan_club_president_on_the_show_s_gay_characters_snl | It was announced that it was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce a same-sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is a very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale. Yeah, so I understand you understand you're pretty upset about this new addition to the show. I'm mad as he single say single K Wow, you spell it out. Okay, Michael, you may think I'm overreacting, but parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see.
Well, what are the characters like? Well, it's a polar bear girl with two daddies and one's a doctor and one stays home and makes spaghetti. Well, I think that actually sounds kind of cute. yeah, it is. Until they sure in the first episode they make spaghetti, but you know, as soon as those plates are cleared and one is a doctor so he knows just where it goes. I don't think that's gonna happen on the show. Oh well, that's nice Trish. I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it's just a part of life and they're polar bears. So, you know, it's like this: Trish. I think you need to calm down. Trish Please Episode where Peppa is having trouble with her math homework. So the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one.
Let's go upstairs and get our calculator, but then they never come back. And you want to know Why do you want to know what they were doing up there? My goal: Anally entering each other showering. How do you know that I spend all day googling all this stuff?
Because it's sick. Well, then don't let your kids watch. This is all in your head. The show will never show any of that so everyone can see exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh, the big one is the bottom. that's good. Sorry, I hate. I hate to interrupt. Okay, it's okay. I actually watch the show and it's it's two polar bear mommy's not to daddy so it's just mashing and mushing. Trish Dale everybody. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_172_Julia_Wheeler_Paul_De_Gelder | Doing alright though, we believe, but you can never be too careful in these uncertain times. Today's guests are two people that we've been wanting to speak to for a while and we thought what better time than now. While the whole world is, well at least the whole country is obsessed with swimming, the Olympics have been exhilarating, a lot of people thought they shouldn't go ahead and they probably shouldn't have, but we did clean up in the gold medals. Our girls over there, the Australian Dolphins, just sensational form, it was Titmus in July, it was one expression that was getting around the office. And now, I thought, what better time than now to interview today's guests, Paul De Gelder and Julia Wheeler, who take swimming to another level, much, much further below the surface. We've got Julia Wheeler who is a free diver, you've probably heard of what free divers do, she is half woman, half mermaid, walks on the bottom of the ocean for fun. And we've got Paul De Gelder who is half man, half machine, he also has a lot of fun in the water, and sometimes he doesn't have a lot of fun in the water as a Navy clearance diver.
Thank you for joining us today. Thanks for having us. Pleasure, mate. Paul, you're coming to us live from LA, Julia coming to us live from the Northern Rivers.
How did you two find each other? Obviously, I should mention, I discovered you guys through your podcast, The Dirt Down Under, where you talk about all kinds of things, the ocean and your amazing lives. How did you two find each other?
Me? You want me? Okay.
I was actually dating Miss Delaware from the Miss USA pageant, and it was probably more than dating because she moved to Sydney to live with me, and somehow her and Julia became friends, and then my super hot girlfriend started turning up at my house with this other super hot chick. And then I broke up with one of the super hot chick, and me and Julia kind of stayed in touch, but not really ... I know we had an issues.
Sorry.
Just to clarify, Paul didn't break up with the other super hot chick to then hook up with me. He broke up with me because they broke up.
No, no, no. So I just want to clarify that. Yeah. It did sound like that. No, no, no. Yeah.
No, no, no. And then Paul ignored me anyway. I first met Paul. He was pretty grumpy. So I was like, okay, bro. That's because I was living with the other pretty girl, and she turned into a nightmare back then.
But anyway, that's neither here nor there.
This is what happens when we do our podcast. I start taking tangents, and I need Julia to start reeling me back in. I got too many stories, and so I just, you know, forks in the road. It's like that choose your own adventure book.
Yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah. I'm across all your stories, Paul. I don't know if we'll have time today to venture into your early beginnings in Australia's burgeoning hip hop scene as a young at-risk youth. Yeah.
Open for Snoop Dogg. Can you believe it? I couldn't believe it. Open for Snoop Dogg.
Yeah. I'll just go back to that quickly. Paul and I met seven years ago, and then we kind of stayed in touch a little bit. And then about three months ago, we both got invited to a private dinner for a new restaurant, a vegan restaurant that's opening called Flave. And we reconnected there, and it was just like, I don't know, we just bounced. And I said, hey, I want to do an interview with you about seaspiracy, because Paul's in seaspiracy. And then it kind of just evolved, and I'm like, you know what, you're awesome. We really work well together. We have a similar sense of humor. We just bounce. And I just said, hey, do you just want to do 11 episodes? And then I invented the name of the show, and Paul's like, yeah, let's do this and do this. And we kind of collaborated and just did it. And that's how we reconnected again.
And yeah, it's pretty amazing. It's a lot of fun. And it's all for a good cause.
That was way better than mine. Way better.
But you were good. You did good, Paul. You did good. You did manage to mention that you were dating Miss Delaware.
This is important. Now, for Australians who aren't aware of the work you two do or haven't watched, of course, some of the documentaries you've been involved in, both of you, Julie and Paul, they might know you, Paul, through the headlines, obviously, from many years ago when you were involved in an interaction with a shark in Woolamaloo, which I mentioned before your half man, half machine that has resulted in you having two steel limbs. But it hasn't stopped you from doing what you love, which is getting under water.
Yeah. I took it to another extreme, too. Yeah.
I mean, I want to get into all of that and how you found yourself in that particular part of the Australian military. But first, Julie, I want to talk to you about free diving. Sure. We mentioned before, you know, we've got a lot of amazing swimmers in this country, as we've just learned over the last week in the Tokyo Olympics. You're kind of halfway between Paul and our girls in the Olympic pool in that you don't use any gear, but you do swim as far below the surface as you can. Yeah. Tell us how you get into that amazing subculture.
I think growing up in West Australia, I had, you know, I had an incredible opportunity to grow up around the ocean. My dad loved the ocean and every morning he would take me into the sea. And it just kind of eventuated that I could never get out to where he was because the waves were so big.
So I had to get a little bit strategic and I used to dive down and hold the ocean floor and kind of look up and wait until the waves rolled over me. And that kind of just evolved this natural kind of ability or I guess curiosity to explore that breath hold from being really, really little. So I was really, really comfortable in the water. And then I also trained by an ex Olympian, Lynne McKenzie. So I was a competitive swimmer through school. I swam to Rottnest Island a couple of times in open water. So I kind of naturally just loved being in the ocean, underwater, down below the surface. And then long story short, I just kept kind of evolving that technique to the point where I represented Australia in the World Freediving Championships in 2017. And I just progressed to become a 50 metre diver with a four and a half minute breath hold. And I learned about the mammalian dive reflex and bradycardia and certain evolutionary adaptations that we have as human beings that allow us to connect back to the ocean and reduce our heart rate and therefore maintain a longer dive time underwater.
And with that, you know, you can explore so many different corners of the world. You can communicate with whales, you can dive with sharks, you can explore reefs, Caribbean, Honduras, the Bahamas. You can. Yeah, it's just it's such a cool thing to do.
So that's that in a in a short form. That's that's kind of I guess where I came from. Now, you're freediving is something that you can stumble into with, you know, coaches and the like as you did and you can compete. But it actually is something that's obviously existed since time began in a lot of Indigenous communities around the world. Where have you seen freediving in its most kind of, you know, natural element? Like what what cultures would you say have been doing this with or without, you know, official techniques that you've you've just explained? Yes.
So I spent quite a bit of time in the Solomon Islands in Morova Lagoon in a village called Kavalavata. And that village was full of, you know, no electricity, no running water, just the fresh water from the mountain.
And every day we go we go hunting, we'd go spear fishing because, you know, you need to spear fish to feed the village. And they would make hand they would make spears out of wood like these crazy, awesome but simple handmade spears.
And we would go out and just these guys would just disappear to 40 metres. They'd just bomb down and they'd be gone.
And yeah, you kind of in a way, what I learnt from that experience was to be be a hunter because I was hungry. And here in the Western world, you know, you go out and you go spear fishing.
I don't really I don't do it anymore. I don't enjoy it. And I've actually cut down my fish consumption by probably the majority of it. I don't really eat fish anymore.
But back to the Solomon Islands, working with a tribe. They certainly do eat fish. Yeah, yeah, no, but yeah, they eat fish because they have to.
So you get this kind of predatory feeling like I'm really hungry. I need to go. I need to go and eat. I need to catch my fish. So that combined like feeling hungry and then you kind of push yourself a little bit more when you're underwater, when you're actually hunting.
So it was really amazing to see that with those guys and see their abilities and they could hold their breaths for so long. And then you've got a tribe or a culture in Indonesia called the Bajalau and they live underwater, essentially. I think they can see 30 percent better than we can underwater. So there's a few cultures around the world. Then there's the Japanese pearl divers who are incredible. But yeah, I think for me, it was definitely the Solomon Islands and living with that with that tribe and fishing and hunting with them and seeing how free diving really serviced their way of life and allowed them to survive and thrive by them tapping into those evolutionary adaptations, as I was saying, the mammalian dive reflex and actively putting it into play for their own survival.
So yeah, pretty rad. So, you know, you've obviously that sounds like a very natural pathway to doing that, you know, starting from WA and swimming with your old man and finding different techniques and keeping underwater and just a love for it. I kind of want to talk to you now, Paul, about how you found yourself that far underwater actually wasn't through, you know, the love of the ocean.
Initially, it came from trying to avoid prison by the sounds of things and at risk use of initially from Canberra. You were running in a few rough crowds. I guess you could say I mentioned earlier Aussie hip hop in its early infantile stages. Were you given the option by a judge to join the army or stay at Her Majesty's Hotel or did you make that decision yourself before you were given that option? No, that was my younger brother, actually.
So I actually grew up swimming in the pool, state swimming. My dad was a swimming coach and a cop. So I've been swimming since I was two years old, really.
But we moved away from Melbourne, Mornington Peninsula, to live in Canberra. And not a lot going on in Canberra in the late 80s, early 90s.
And so as young, adventurous teens, we went out and found our own fun. And swimming just wasn't that exciting anymore after about 15. So I discovered smoking and drinking and girls and felt that was much more fun.
And I'll embrace this. But I ended up just before my... There's a lot of stuff that happened in between along the way, getting kicked out of my home, flunking high school, all that sort of stuff. But I got jumped by 20 guys at a party in Deakin. And so I decided that I had to remove myself from this environment that I've become a product of before I was dead or in jail. So I moved to Brisbane, decided to go up to old Brisbane, where my friend Matt had a job waiting for me behind a bar in a strip club.
Pretty wild town back then. Pretty wild town?
Oh, oh yeah. Yeah, big gig and euphoria, was it euphoria?
But yeah, working at Santa Fe Gold, became a rapper. Not a lot of money in white rappers in Australia in 1998 though.
So ended up making the hard decision to join the army following my younger brothers in. They were both in artillery. And I said, don't join infantry.
It's too hard. You won't make it.
So I joined infantry the next day and did that for a while, did some incredible things, deployed with the UN to East Timor in 2002, got to do incredible training courses, but ultimately got bored and a little sick of being dirty and smelly and either boiling hot or freezing cold out in the bush. So I thought I'd try something else. Decided to, well, I heard about these special dudes called the Clearance Divers and thought I'd give that a crack. And thankfully, all those years of swimming had forged me into a pretty decent athlete with pretty good cardiovascular skills and good at running and push ups and chin ups and all that sort of stuff from the army. So ended up passing the Clearance Diver selection and the 47 week training course and discovered my dream job up and to a certain point.
Now, I've listened to your podcast and I've heard you explain all of this in a lot greater detail. But there was one thing that kind of haunted me. Was you explaining how, I'm not sure if it was while you were, I guess, trying to get into the Navy Clearance Divers or when you were already there, but the six hour swim across Sydney Harbour on your back with linked arms. Can you explain that, please?
That sounds pretty grim. Yeah, and that's not even day one or two. That's, I think it's day three or four. So you're already totally exhausted. You've been busting your hump for the previous couple of days.
And this is the selection process to get into the Navy Clearance Divers. So they're really just trying to weed out the people that either can't do the job physical wise or don't want to be there enough to put up with this punishment. And one of the tasks is for everyone to jump into Sydney Harbour at Mossman at the Navy Dive School, which is right by Balmoral.
You've got your overalls on and a pair of fins and you all link arms. And on your back as one, you fin with just your legs all the way to Manly Beach.
This is like 11 p.m. as well. So it's pitch black. It's kind of freaky.
And then you get a minute or two to stretch up, have a quick drink of water. Then you've got a fin all the way back to Balmoral again. So five or six hours, not a lot of fun for the rest of the selection process. If you get any sleep, you wake up kicking the bunk or the roof in top of you because your natural default after that is just to kick nonstop. I mean, that just sounds like a little bit of what you had to go through.
He loves it. Yeah, you love it. Intense. You love the intense thing. He loves being punished.
He's just like, oh, I might die if I do this. I mean, guys, sign me up. Yeah, and that's why I might.
Yeah, I don't know who told Discovery Channel that, but they seem to know as well. You all obviously, as surfers, quite often fishermen, anyone who has that much to do with the water by proxy tend to become conservationists to a degree as well, which is kind of what your podcast Dirt Down Under is about. But, you know, I would say, Paul, you have much less reason to care about sea life than most. It's very noble for you to still love a lot of the animals in the ocean after what they did to you. Can you explain that story to us as well? I mean, it's been, you know, it's been documented heavily, but I don't think I would have the same relationship with sharks, having gone through what you went through.
Yeah. And tell us about the time you put the blood, you jumped into your own blood. Didn't you? You filled the water with blood and jumped into it, surrounded by sharks as well. We should add that part of the story, please. It's crazy. I don't know how I can tie that all in together, but getting eaten by the shark, they're not blaming it and still swimming with sharks with my own blood. There you go. So did you want me to touch on the getting eaten or the why? Tell me, tell me about how you became half man, half machine. All right.
So February 2009, me and three of my teammates from the Navy Clearance Divers testing unmanned video and sonar for the R&D department of the military. And I'm in the water pretending to be an attack swimmer. The scientists are trying to detect me with this new equipment. I'm on the surface of my back in a black wetsuit pair of black fins, looking all the world to like an injured seal, just maybe sunning himself on Sydney Harbour in Wolloomooloo.
And so obviously their nickname for us in my realm is Shark Biscuits. And so a shark decided I was a tasty biscuit treat and decided to eat me.
Pretty shit day at work. I got to be honest, it hurt a lot and I nearly died and it ripped ripped out my hamstring of my right leg, ripped off my right hand. And I swam back to the safety boat through a pool of my own blood where I nearly died. Fortunately, my friends kept me alive. One of them had to stick his hand inside my leg and pinch close an artery. And God bless everyone out there who donates blood because I went through 300 donations of blood. That's 150 litres. And because everything came into play and I was very fortunate, I survived, but I lost the remainder of my right leg. Unfortunately, hopping sucks. But I survived.
I ended up deciding that I was going to go back to work as a Navy clearance diver, even though the Navy decided, I don't think they believed that that was possible. So I showed them it was and I didn't ever blame the shark because basically I chose a dangerous life. I was jumping out of aircraft. I was shooting guns. I was playing with bombs and explosives underwater. I rode a big black-toned sports bike. I chose a dangerous path.
And you can't get upset when something goes wrong if you've chosen that path. So I really just accepted it as, at least I got a good story out of this. And a shark attack story gets you a lot of free beer at the pub. So you've got to look at the positives.
Did you find you were maybe even living harder after you survived that extremely hairy situation on the job? Or was that channeled back into diving? Everything about life was harder. Every single little bit from emotions to mentality to physicality. And so I just had to put in the work. I just had to be harder than the situation that I was in.
And I put all of that, even fear being a powerful motivator, I put everything into trying to prove to the Navy that I could still do my job in some semblance, if not as an operational clearance diver that can deploy to war, then at least as an instructor at the dive school so that I could carry on and do this job that I love. Turns out I don't love instructing. And so I did that for a couple of years and then bailed on that because I'd found another outlet through writing books, through public speaking and dabbling in a little bit of television, which I really enjoyed as well. So I left the 70, 80 hour weeks behind at the dive school and funnily enough confronted my only other biggest fear, besides sharks, public speaking. Well, there's plenty more work there than there is, I guess, underwater.
And Julia, you've worked in a similar space, come from diving into conservation and you've got something coming out in the near future as well in the shape of a documentary, I believe. Yeah, no, I've been developing a four part documentary series for the last seven years. And season one is due to come out really, really soon, like really soon in the next kind of month or so, I think, I believe, which is really exciting.
And that was a series that took me to Africa and I worked in Madagascar and Gabon and looked at the way that ecosystems or governments are supporting the coexistence between ecosystems and the human race. So, you know, it's it was a great, great thing to do and really inspiring, especially going to Gabon, which is a beautiful country on the west coast of Africa, which is it's got they've got about 10,000 species of trees. They've still got 80 percent forest cover. They have the beautiful elusive forest elephants that live there and act as these gorgeous forest gardeners or where, you know, they kind of eat the trees, they germinate the seeds in their stomach and then they poop out these beautiful little poop parcels that more trees grow out of in short form.
So best fertilizer in the world. Yeah, exactly. So it was really quite amazing. And I got to see Western lowland gorillas and the mandrills, the leatherback turtles nest there as well. They travel thousands of kilometers every year to relay their eggs or lay their eggs on the on the beaches they were born. So, yeah, it's it's really cool.
And I'm excited for that series to come out and to jump into another season. And also, yeah, hopefully like, well, yeah, we're definitely going to do another season of the dirt down under. So at least 20 more.
What I what I love about the dirt down under is, you know, as you describe yourselves, you're tackling the stigma surrounding conservation and, you know, loving animals, loving nature. And it's it's it's it's a great conversation between you two, because there is this obviously love for even the most dangerous, as we've learned with Paul friends of ours that we we have to coexist with. But also, it's not, you know, your stigmatized tree hugger shit. You know what I mean? It's yeah, it's yeah, we have we have questions too, mate.
We don't pretend to know all the answers. Like we try and live our best lives like everyone else is doing as well. But we're not scientists. We don't have all the answers. We're not experts.
And so we're going to ask the tough questions that I feel like both of us feel like everyone wants to know. Because like, for example, Sea Spirits, they got a lot of flak for what they came out with and some of the information. And we were like, yeah, yeah, we want answers for this, too. So let's go ask Allie and get these answers. And so I think that's why people will probably enjoy it more than just a couple of people promoting conservation. Like, we'll get the answers and we'll ask the tough questions.
Yeah, it's not fear mongering either. No, we'll ask unless we're joking. I think half the show is basically me laughing, trying to stop laughing, mostly Julia. Yeah, no. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I laugh a lot.
And it's actually quite shocking doing the show with Paul because we we don't prepare for the episode together until about five minutes before we go on it or before we record, because we both have our own takes on things and we both like to research our own things and we both like to look into and observe in our own observe in our own ways. So it's really fun when we, you know, we have a guest ready to go on and they're coming in in five minutes into studio. Paul rocks up like, you know, whenever he rocks up. And whenever he's like 30 seconds before some notes, he literally goes on his, you know, he preheats.
He's like, yeah, I did no research.
And then he'll like do a quick look. And then I'll say, OK, right. Well, this is this is kind of the the formatting of where I want to take the conversation, because usually I'll pull the conversation back in. And then, yeah. So anyway, we just we don't know what the other person is going to ask. And then it's really it is quite shocking with the things that Paul will come up with.
And I'm always caught off guard. And I'm like, like, I need to pull this back in. But I'm I'm laughing and I'm losing my train of thought. And then the guest is always laughing or, you know, but then when we get quite serious, Paul and I do these full like, you know, eye contact, looking at each other, kind of trying to work out.
It's kind of a bit of a chess game as well, like who's got the next move? What's the next question? So there's a bit of a game involved.
There's a lot of like, obviously, especially when especially we have guests coming on, start talking about shrinking penises. I was just about to ask plastic, plastic shrinks penises. I was just about to ask the next question. Yeah I didn't tell him anything about that when he turned up to the episode.
So that was a good one, wasn't it Paul? Yeah, that was rough. Tell us, just touch on that.
Tell us about why plastic shrinks penises and what did you learn? Phthalates. Also very similar to phalanxes, which is like a penis object. Phthalates ruin phalluses. Bisphenols, bisphenols and phthalates.
They're bad. And yeah, Paul's baby divers, he needs them to swim, right? You go Paul, you give us the debrief on plastic guys.
It is now. Good work. Yeah. So it's quite terrifying.
I've been trying to use as little plastic as possible because we've all been doing it for 40 years. Well, no, not, well, I've been doing it for 40 years, but we've all been doing it our whole lives. And most of our lives, there wasn't even any sort of study into BPA's and the phthalates and all that sort of stuff. We were using the super toxic stuff our whole lives. It's only now that we're not using that, like lead paint, things like that. So yeah, I think it's time that we all start moving away from using plastics as much as possible and keep our little Johnson's as Mr. Johnson's.
Well, that is, um, that's one way to communicate that to the world's, uh, men. You know, you could talk about banning the plastic bag to save the turtles or you could talk about banning the plastic bag to save your penis. It's like use plastic, shrink your penis.
Yeah. That's probably, um, a bit of slogan. That's your, that's your slogan.
Paul. Now, Paul, how did you?
You should hear the slogan about the daintree rainforest. That was so good. Go on then. I heard it was beautiful, not worth dying for. Yeah. Dude, you know how many deadly things live in the daintree rainforest? Oh my Lord. Starting with the cassowary.
They're literally cutting down the daintree so people can go and live in there and set up houses and hotels and stuff like that. Who wants to go to a hotel surrounded by Taipans, death adders, funnel web spiders, cassowaries that kick your face off. Like this is, this is the forest of death. They need to rename it and rebrand it. That'll keep everyone out. Yeah. The forest of death. I mean, and just driving through there in itself is dangerous.
If they great the roads and it's rained, you good luck getting a four wheel drive. You get out and try and fix your tire.
And leeches. Yeah. The leeches are monsters up there too.
So Paul, can you explain to me, I mean, Julia, it kind of makes sense, you know, with your background, you know, and all the travel you, you kind of did diving and all the, all the kind of cultures you kind of were immersed with and, and you know, their, their love of the land and their love of the ocean. Paul, how did you as someone who was basically, you know, in the military, you know, you're not, you're not so much talking about that kind of stuff in the military. You're more about man versus, you know, man versus the wall.
Let's blow some shit up. Yeah.
I really didn't care about much of that stuff. Like I was pretty much like everyone. Maybe I'd have a recycling bin maybe.
But after my shark attack, because it was so big in the media around Australia, around the world, every time there was another shark interaction, the media would come to me to give an opinion. And so I didn't know anything about sharks. I just thought if we killed them, then we'd be awesome and safe to swim in the ocean. And so I didn't want to say that because I knew that was must be wrong. And so out of my desire to not look like a dumb ass, I started doing research and that even as someone who, even as someone who was now missing two limbs, you were a big enough man to try and understand who did it to you. Like I said, I never blamed the shark. I like, I chose a dangerous path. We all knew that there were bull sharks in Sydney Harbor.
I just had to be the sacrificial lamb, I guess. But especially now, I can't even like, I wouldn't even change it. It's, it's just something that happened. Sure. It was crap. It was a really hard time.
I got some really good stories out of it. And what is life if not a series of amazing stories. And now I get to live this incredible life, where I travel the world, getting paid to go swimming and having adventures and hanging out with awesome people like Julia, standing on stage and inspiring people. So, you know, some of the worst things that ever happened to us in our lives will give us the best opportunities.
But I just saw it as a, in a sense, a transfer of service from the military where our job is to stand up for and protect those that can't stand up and protect themselves. So now I'm speaking up for this animal that doesn't have a voice and yet humans are slaughtering in the hundreds of millions. And so through doing that all around the world and having experiences like jumping, you know, parachuting out of a plane 15,000 feet directly into the ocean, drifting through the ocean for two days, two nights, no food, no water, surrounded by sharks and having to make it to land. And then, you know, washing up on this beach in the middle of nowhere in the Pacific and it's covered in trash. So the whole environmental conservation side of it, and then going to work with Damien Mander with this international anti poaching foundation in Africa, like it all tied together to make realize that we as a human species are destroying our home and we need to be woken up.
There are some incredible people out there doing amazing things to try and achieve that, but maybe they need a bigger platform. Maybe they need a bit of help to get their message out to the world. Like I had talking about sharks. And so that's where the dirt down under was birthed from mine and Julia's desire to give these people more of a platform to teach the world about the dire circumstances we're in, have a conversation about it and actually talk about some solutions as well. Julia, you mentioned before, you know, it's not all doom and gloom when you're having these conversations, you know, you saw that, you know, sorry, what was the country in West Africa, where, you know, they have made it work and they have been able to, you know, find this balance between, you know, humans and, and nature. Are there any other stories out there that you've seen like this where, you know, actually, okay, now people are having the right conversations. People have got the right idea. I think the main one so far has been from my firsthand experience has definitely been Gabon. But yeah, I think there is an undercurrent of awareness that's now churning through, you know, nature, the planet, that we can turn this around. We can change this. And it really comes down to choice. So, you know, the scientists tell us that global warming is real. We've seen, we know that half of, well, the majority of us, or few of us know that half of the world's rainforests have been cut down. But, you know, I think the people are starting to really talk and starting to circulate this knowledge. And I think human movement, especially against governments seems to be on the forefront of, of bringing that change, which is really inspiring. And I think over the coming years, and I hope we continue to see people coming together and making these changes or pushing the government to do the right thing. So, yeah, look, I'm looking forward to getting out there and, and telling more stories. There's so many of them, but yeah, for me, at the moment, my, my main kind of story that I need to share is about the vision that a prime minister was given by a group of conservationists and that prime minister then realised, you know, I can do something about it.
And in turn, he revoked thousands of hectares of logging permits and creating, and created 13 national parks.
And that's Gabon, that's the country in Africa. So it's like, if he can do that, then, you know, what can we do here?
And then I was part of the removal of the Equinor gas and oil exploration permit that was going to be issued in the great Australian Bight three or four years ago. And that in itself was a huge movement of Australians who got together and said, no Equinor, you need to leave. We don't want you drilling in the great Australian Bight. And then in turn, everyone, everyone learned that you don't, you don't fire up surfers. No, but the other thing is what actually helped push that across the line, was the unity between the two countries, because Equinor started to protest as well saying, get out of Australia.
And, you know, so there's that, there is the power to make change and there are lots of stories and, you know, it's just really about coming together and implementing that and getting it done and getting on with it. So, yeah. I mean, it's interesting to think back, you know, two years ago, Woolworths were, you know, there was a plastic bag, every split second was leaving a Woolworths and Coles in Australia. And, and, you know, that's kind of been a worldwide movement. In the sense that you just last year, they saw the turtles hatching on Mumbai beach for the first time in 40 years. You know what I mean? That the wheels are in motion in many aspects.
I mean, there's a lot less plastic on the earth or there's a lot less. Unfortunately, they've been replaced with masks now. Of course, of course, please, where have you been seeing this? I saw a whole bunch of stuff online talking about how many billions of tonnes of masks have been put out into the ocean circulating around the great Pacific garbage patch.
And just every, I don't know about you, ma'am. I see them everywhere.
I've got a beach across the street that I go and clean up on a regular basis. And I would say the majority of trash that I get is straws, cigarette butts and masks. Cigarette butts are still in the mix.
I thought that would get phased out before plastic bags. It comes down to people being really, really, really lazy, like incredibly lazy. Don't use the disposable mask. Go and buy a mask and get some filters. Or just take the initiative and plastic bags. People are lazy. Bring your own bag, balance your groceries, use a cardboard box when you get to the end of the checkout, instead of grabbing a plastic bag.
Don't let your penis shrink.
Exactly. I can't speak on my personal behalf, but Paul. So, you know, I think it comes down to being lazy. Definitely. That's what I reckon anyway.
It's disgusting. There's my, I can even see a mask on the floor over there. And I'm at my friend's house and it's kind of gross.
So who have you had on the, on the podcast so far? We have had Jimmy Halfcut, who has the Halfcut Foundation and he is an incredible human being who wears half a beard.
And he wants to save the Daintree rainforest in Far North Queensland, which has been cut down and sold off to farmers.
So that's, that was cool. We've had him on. That was pretty awesome. We've had Kate Nelson, Plastic Free Mermaid. Paul was an episode as well. And then we also had Ali Tabritsi from Seaspiracy. And yeah, we've got some pretty cool people coming up actually. Haven't we Paul?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
There's a bunch. Plenty more to come from Dirt Down Under. Dude, so much more like really good ones too.
Like Ocean Ramsey who swam with the biggest great white shark on the planet and then got beasted for it. So we talked to her about both sides of the coin, you know, how much of an incredible experience that was, but also dealing with the backlash. Yeah. And then also we speak to the private family photographer for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Matt Porteous. And he comes on and talks to us about, you know, this, this is a photographer who could do anything that he wants in the entire world. I think he was named, was it Paul Hopper's Bazaar Photographer of the Year or something like that? Yeah. So this guy has got, you know, an open book of any, anything he wants to do. And he's chosen to start his own ocean conservation platform called Ocean Culture Life, whereby he's joining storytellers that are ocean associated from all over the globe. And he's just the biggest sweetheart and, you know, really passionate, really inspiring. And he talks to us about how his life changed recently when he went to the Maldives and swam with tiger sharks. And yeah, it's, it's insane. And we also have Chris Hemsworth's center nutritionist, Simon Hill. He comes on board and that's pretty funny, Paul and him. Yep.
Paul didn't tell me the questions he was going to ask Simon in that interview. And I spent the majority of the time on the floor. Me and Simon are pretty good mates. I've been on his podcast. We've known each other for a bunch of years, so we could get pretty intimate there.
Then we talked to Sean O about him trying to shut down the environmental minister's plan to put the gas platforms off the coast of Sydney. Yeah. So that was really enraging. I think that one really put our hair back. That comes out in two weeks when they're actually going to be, there's a campaign I think that they're running soon to do with PEP 11, which is the oil and gas permit that they want to put, the petroleum exploration permit that they want to put between Sydney and Newcastle, that 4,500 kilometer zone.
And yeah, Sean O is, he's the one that led the fight for the bike campaign. So he was, you know, a common, he was a commentator for the world surf league. I think he still does it, but he's the biggest legend. He's fantastic on, on Instagram, Sean O 8 8 8.
Anyway, he, he just happened to be in the neighborhood and he came in and yeah, I mean, Paul and I, I think out of all of the interviews we did, I don't know, I don't want to speak on your part on your behalf, Paul, but I think that was, I've really learned a lot like more than any of the others to do with what's happening in Australia, what the government is doing with all the oil and gas money that's coming in and how naive I was to think that, you know, the oil and gas industry was paying for JobKeeper, but it's not. So yeah, I'm just, that's a really fantastic, you know, if anybody wants an insight into the oil and gas industry on a lighter note, but to feel how corrupt our government is.
Yeah. Looking forward to that one. Yeah. Well, thank you for, thank you for speaking to us today. You too. We've, uh, we've learned a lot, learned a lot about you guys and a lot more about what's to come from dirt down under. Thank you for joining us. Paul and Julia mermaid in the machine. That's a good one. That is a good one. Why didn't we think of that Julia? That's the TV show. Thanks for joining us. Thank you. |
wearethesundayblues | the_movember_song_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues_carly_rae_jepsen_call_me_maybe_parody | Last year I tried but I failed Halfway through the month I bailed Watched the hair wash down the drain And I felt so ashamed My upper lip felt so bare People would stop and they'd stare An upper lip without hair What would our parents say? But it wasn't growing Bum fluff skin was showing Taking shape very slowly But this year it's ours for the daycare Okay, we can do this It should be easy This November We won't be shaven It's hard to look back In the mirror lately With your moustaches So thin and patchy Hey, it's only day two So don't be lazy This is November With days of plenty But all the other boys Their foes are blazing Don't let that grow you We must be patient What style do you think we'll grow? Handlebar, pencil, or fro? We could look like the Mario Bros There's just no way to tell Day twelve and things don't look good Starting to think that we should Seek out professional help Doctor is then the hope Wait, don't get us hardened Have you tried Bob Martin's? My dog eats them daily And his moustache covers his body Okay, time for phase two Bob Martin's daily It's doctor's orders They're not that tasty But think of all the chicks They'll want us daily Let's stop our dosage Soon we'll be hairy Okay, it's been a week now And not much progress I'm the top cellic I'm feeling depressed There's two more days left We're cutting things fine Let's call this number We'll never have fun From the first day of the month Things have gone so bad Our growth is so bad Our mothers are so, so bad Everyone's making fun of us We need them so bad We want them so bad We need them so, so bad Hey, what's that feeling? My lip is tingling Can someone pinch me? I must be dreaming Can you believe it? This is amazing Woke up this morning Moustache is blazing Filled with testosterone I feel so manly This chop's a firewood And drink's some gravy Before the hair grew on our lips Our lives were so sad Our lives were so sad Now they are so, so red With our moustache here on my face I am a real man Feel like a real man Now we are real, real men Hey everyone, thanks for watching our video At the end of the day Movember's not just about growing a kickass mo But it's about raising funds and awareness for cancer Visit Movember.com or read the descriptions below this video To find out how you can get involved And donate money to help us punch cancer in the face |
dropout | superman_hates_ben_affleck_as_batman | Oh! What the fuck? Ben Affleck? This is bullshit! Super Ben?
Uh, sir, is everything okay? No, everything is not okay.
Ben Affleck is not Batman. Uh, I mean, he is. You can see he is. Batman is cool and dark and brooding. Ben Affleck is like... he's like Doofy and shit. I think he's fine.
What? What do you mean? I think he's fine. What are you talking about? What?
Didn't you see Jersey Girl or Geely? No. Did you? I take it you didn't like them. Didn't actually see them. Okay, you didn't actually see them. No, but I heard they were really bad.
Well, those movies came out like 10 years ago. He's made a very good career for himself. Town, Gone Girl, Academy Award-winning Argo. It is Ben fucking Affleck. He is an empty-headed Doofus. Isn't that the same thing people were saying when Heath Ledger got cast as the Joker?
This is different. How? Because it's Ben fucking Affleck. Batman is supposed to have some gravitas. This would be like finding out the man behind the mask is some rom-com wuss. Like Michael Keaton? No, this is different. I don't see Batman. I see Ben Affleck. He's too recognizable. Like George Clooney? No, this is different. He has a weird accent. Like Christian Bale? No, this is different.
God, why aren't you getting this? That's explaining your point very well.
Look, he is an absolute joke of a person. No one like that should ever be Batman.
Oh, I see. Like Val Kilmer. Don't see what the problem is. I feel like you're hating on Ben Affleck because it's like the cool thing to do.
No. Well, that's what it seems. I'm just saying. No, no, no, no, no. This is not that.
He's already been a superhero. No second chances. Ryan Reynolds got a second chance. He was Green Lantern before he was Deadpool. This is different.
Chris Evans too. Ben Affleck ruined Daredevil. I don't think Ben Affleck ruined Daredevil. I mean, didn't that movie have two different Evanescence tracks in it? No, it was Ben Affleck.
He ruined it and now he's going to ruin Batman. Shouldn't we at least see what he's going to do with the role before we like judge him?
We're not actors. We're not casting directors.
Great. Now I got to clean this up because you're so fucking stupid. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
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SaturdayNightLive | black_friday_snl | Clear your calendars, chug that coffee, and wake the kids, Because this Friday is Black Friday at Mega Mart! Black Friday! It's the biggest shopping day of the year, and we're giving you incredible savings with. Mega Mart's 12-minute matinee. this is the shortest, craziest sale in retail history. you have just 12 minutes to rush in and grab all the deals you can carry. it's gonna be a savings stampede! savings Stampede!
Doorbuster specials like ipads for $39, 3d televisions for $71, and a secret, unpublished Harry Potter novel, Harry Potter and the Treacherous Crawl Space, is available for only six bucks! And there's only seven left, So line up early, because we're starting at 4 a.m. Crack it off! that's right, Coked-up Rooster! At 4 A.m. we will fling our doors open to anybody and everybody, just as soon as we finish waxing and mopping the floors! Slide into Savings! all the best deals are located in the very back of the store, down a narrow aisle packed with merchandise! Fire hazard! To make room for more customers, we've removed our security guards. people have already started camping out in the tailgate sponsored by Four Loco, America's premier hillbilly and solo pool. If you show up too late, you will be humiliated!
I'm ready to do whatever it takes to get the 12x12 finished in the flesh since it's a scrapbook and kit! I've steeled myself, my state's in order, and I've made peace with my God and those around me, So I'll get the 12x12 finished in the flesh since it's a scrapbook and kit just due way!
Whoa! what a day for shopping! Your shopping guards can only be slowed by one thing, boxes. everyone in our Megamar 12-minute frenzy will get a free box cutter at the door! Free box Cutter! And to keep your energy up, we've hired Dj Thunderthrust, one of the top death metal Djs in the Tri-state area. he'll be playing music so loud. no one can hear you scream! Finally, we're proud to have 93-year-old actor Kirk Douglas on hand to sign copies of his book, The Ragman Son! Kirk will be hidden somewhere in the store, and the first three customers to find him and touch him will win one free $10!
Catch him! Touch him! wee! Drop on your combat boots and start running for Black Friday's 12-minute madness at Megamar! This is happening! this is happening! Get it! Do it! Own it! Megamar! |
TheOnion | Should_We_Do_More_To_Reduce_Violence_In_Our_Dreams | I'm Gregory Dawson, filming in for Clifford Banes, who is racing to the airport to catch the woman he loves.
A recent survey conducted by the American Center for Sleep Research found that nearly 40% of all dreams contain graphic images of violence. Should we be doing more to reduce the level of violence in our dreams? Yes, all too often the violence in my dreams is totally gratuitous, or done by my brain just to shock me.
You know, I know what you mean.
For example, the other night I had a dream in which I lost my car, and when I finally found it, it was full of dismembered limbs. Now, is all of that gore really necessary? Yes, you can't close your eyes without being bombarded with horrible images, wild animals, Christ killers. A blood-drenched Best Buy employee trying to sell you a dead baby.
Yes, studies have shown the majority of people who are convicted of violent crimes have a history of dreaming. Yes, but aren't people intelligent enough to know the difference between dream violence and real-life violence? Yes, they are. Now, I have a recurring dream where I kill each one of you with a hacksaw, and then hide your dismembered bodies underneath this table. But that does not mean I'm going to act on that, because I know it's not real, no matter how vivid each nuance of my murder of each one of you might be. Duncan, Duncan, the statistics show that dream-inspired violence is on the rise. Yes!
My dream got so violent, I stopped sleeping months ago. When was the last time you actually slept, Nancy?
Get those motherfucking spiders off of me! It's terrible. Most dreams these days are just sex and violence strung together with meaningless dialogue between me and a dolphin with the Yankees' cow. Yes, but the sexual content of dreams is often very inappropriate. Oh, it's over the top. Filthy!
Yes, exactly. Thank you, Nancy. That sheepdog is filthy! Yes.
Well, the fact is, it is time for the government to get involved and do something. Yes, we need to demand accountability for the people who are responsible for these violent dreams, prescription drug makers, networks that run late-night movies, spicy food manufacturers. But dreams are often triggered by repressed memories, so now we're holding our memories accountable too? If that's what we need to do to clean up our dreams, yes.
This is the lowest price of the season. But I don't need a dead baby. Then why did you go to Best Buy? It doesn't make any sense.
That's what you came for. Now, don't you see one you like?
I don't think I have any money.
So, if you oppose the idea because of the funding it would require, is that it, Nancy? Nancy? What? |
TheOnion | Jimmy_Carter_Becomes_World_s_Heaviest_Man_At_850_Pounds | There's a new world's largest man, and it's none other than former President Jimmy Carter. The 98-year-old recently weighed in at a whopping 850 pounds, making him the new world record holder as he surpassed an 846-pound Henry Kissinger to take the crown. Damn, Jimmy, that's thick! Despite his age, President Carter continues to inspire millions, proving once and for all that you don't have to be young to be fat. The U.S. economy added more than 260,000 jobs last month, underscoring just how much of a massive loser unemployed man Chris Gibson really is. The Strong Jobs Report found that despite the stunning gains made across all sectors, including hospitality, leisure, and healthcare, Gibson is still spending the majority of his days shuffling around the kitchen in nothing but his socks and underwear. U.S. Labor Secretary Marty Walsh was stunned by the Strong Jobs Report, calling the growth spectacular and the 25-year-old man a sad waste of human life. Even President Joe Biden weighed in, calling Gibson an enormous sack of human shit. Whether the U.S. can stave off a recession, we'll still have to see. But top economists say if we do enter one, it will be all this man's fault.
White people have reportedly been ousted from their role as the master race after allegations of past racism have come to light. Following accusations of historically bigoted and xenophobic behavior, Caucasians have now been forced to step down from being the one true supreme race after being considered no longer fit for their long-held position. These widespread allegations from a variety of sources claim that whites have spent hundreds of years engaging in colonization, racial segregation, slavery, and even genocide, which is a big no-no. While it is possible that white people may be allowed the role of dominant race in the future, it looks like for now they're going to have to join the ranks of the inferior sub-races until hopefully they learn to wield their white power in a more positive way.
The Biden administration is under fire for breaking child labor laws after half of the cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. While many were too young to walk, they were still expected to put in grueling 14-hour days within the executive branch. Despite their age, many were given complicated and dangerous tasks, including filing classified documents, authorizing drone strikes, and even guarding the nuclear football. Sadly, until Biden can find adults willing to work for candy, the Treasury Department, Attorney General's Office, and Department of Defense will likely remain vacant.
For f**k's sake. Does he not realize or does he just not care? Jesus f**king Christ! So annoying! Eeee! |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Explains_Why_Even_Losers_on_Facebook_Deserve_Her_Attention | Hello, I'm Brooke Alvarez. I receive millions of emails, tweets, and Facebook messages every day from viewers, fans, and stalkers, but rarely have the time to answer them due to my busy schedule as America's most powerful media personality. So I decided to start this Brooke Chats Back series where I answer all of your burning inquiries in a totally casual setting. Don't I seem casual? Look, I'm wearing a hoodie.
We have a great question coming to us now from Facebook. Daniel Zambrano asks, Brooke, why are you wasting your time with the peons on Facebook?
Daniel, you're a man after my own class's tart. Well, I do recognize that some people are just naturally superior to others, and if I had it my way, feudalism would be alive and well in America. As a newscaster, I must reach out to all types of people, doctors, lawyers, street urchins, Facebook, douchebags. You see, Daniel, it is the God-given right of every man, woman, and child in this country to be informed of the news by someone as articulate, professional, and camera-ready as me.
Thank you for sending in your question. I love communicating with my fans, as long as they're not in touching distance of me. If you'd like to ask me a question, tweet it to my handle, at brookealvarez, or post it to my Facebook wall. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Back_To_The_Future | You're too much like your old man.
No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley.
Yeah, well, history is gonna change. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll revisit Back to the Future, Robert Zemeckis' tale of an enterprising teenager named Marty McFly who must journey back in time to help his family climb into a higher socioeconomic bracket in a subtle yet powerful critique of Reaganomics in the 1980s. The failures of President Reagan's so-called trickle-down economics are present from the very start of the film. We see George and Lorraine McFly, like many other middle-class parents, floundering financially and emotionally with no means to get ahead and provide their children with the stable households they themselves enjoyed growing up in a prosperous post-war America. Realizing his family's lot in life, Marty, played by Michael J. Fox, has no choice but to team up with the town's mad scientist, Doc Brown, who, like the McFlies, is squeezed by the supply-side economic policies of the Reagan administration. The fact that Doc must go so far as to steal plutonium from a rogue Libyan terrorist group to time travel to an era with greater upward mobility serves as a sobering reminder of just how hard he's been hit economically. After Marty travels back to 1955, the true costs of deregulation and a shrunken federal government come into clear focus as our protagonist begins to see his family vanish right before his eyes. Marty realizes the hope for financial stability is ticking away second by second, symbolized by a giant clock tower in the center of Town Square. When Marty makes it back to the present day, he discovers his family now as a solid upper-middle class existence made possible by his interventions in the past. However, this ending is bittersweet. Marty is unable to change Reaganomics for all Americans and merely ascends to a higher station in the social Darwinist pecking order while Biff now finds himself in the struggling working class. In the ruthless Reagan years, Back to the Future tells us no one gets ahead without someone else falling behind. Ultimately, Back to the Future serves as a powerful testament to the ruination that comes when common sense, effective federal regulation plays second fiddle to the interests of the private sector, a state of affairs that is still part of America's economic fabric three decades after the film's release.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | that_time_norm_macdonald_got_his_a_kicked_on_star_search | Sam Kinison had told Dennis Miller that McDonald was a funny guy and Miller had passed on the word to McMahon. That was good enough to get McDonald a spot on the international show. On the night of, McDonald found himself up against a comedian called the Bushman. He was very funny, and backstage he had us all in stitches, McDonald wrote. He told his agent that he believed he was in big trouble. His agent told McDonald that he was being ridiculous and that he should relax.
And that's exactly what he did, via a series of meditative exercises, physical stretching, and a couple of Xanax washed down with a flask of wild turkey. And after all that, he was ready for his two-minute routine. If you know what I mean.
McDonald claims his routine on answering machines got little response, so he berated the audience. And the Bushman killed. The night's prize was awarded to the Bushman. McDonald got his **** kicked. But one could argue he had the last laugh, landing himself a spot on SNL and in countless other comedy movies and TV shows. As for the Bushman, he put together a video in 2006 letting McDonald know that he was ready to kick his **** a second time.
I am not afraid of you. |
SaturdayNightLive | blizzard_man_with_ludacris_snl | The room is hot, but I still feel like we're missing that club banger to kick things off with. yeah, yeah, we're feeling track five, but we still think it needs a stronger hook. you know what, I agree, but not to worry.
I made some calls and I got just the man for the job. Oh, really? who'd you get? Well, it's this crazy R&b cat that I know, man. he calls himself the Blizzard Man. Oh, the Blizzard Man? Oh, yeah. I thought he was just a made-up legend like the Loch Ness Monster. Oh, no, man, he's real. I heard him at this underground club, and when I tell you he's amazing, I mean, he is amazing. I told him to come by today to lay something down. well, sounds great. Oh, yeah. see? that must be him right there. hold up. Bliss! what's going on, brother? All right, everybody, this is Blizzard Man. Hi there. that's right. you ready to do this, man? let's get it done. come on. Wow. so that's him, huh? Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but I got to tell you, I do not judge a book by its cover. my man can blow. he's like the next Nate Dogg.
Trust me. Straight up. now you're talking my language, Luda. Exactly.
All right, so check this out. All right, Bliss. Now, check this out, man. we're going to just let the beat ride, and you see what you feel. All right, just do whatever you want to do, All right?
All right, cool, cool. yeah, yo, yo, I'm about to say yo. turn on my headphones. come on. check my style out. raps on, raps on. we do our raps, and then the crowd goes wild. and then it's time for the after party, and we hang out and do lots of sex with girls. Yow. woo-hoo-hoo. yeah. yeah.
I know, right? my man is a straight genius, right off the bat. that's like one take, though. yeah, yeah, no, no. that was terrible. Yeah, that was bad. absolutely horrible. what are y'all talking about? that was off the chain, man. that's single material right there. you know what I'm saying? But anyway, my man's just getting warmed up.
Trust me, check this out. you will believe in just a minute. Hey, yo, Blizz, let's do it again, baby. All right. all right. yo, here we go. history in the making.
Blizzard Man, Ludacrisp. check my style out. doing raps, and going to parties. that's basically what we're all about. we're super famous, so the ladies let us help them. And also, we drink expensive champagne. yo, where's my money at? Yeah. that's what I'm doing, man. yeah. what are you doing, man? why you cut the music off? he was just killing that. Are you serious? Yeah, he sounds like my grandfather. your grandfather must have been Marvin Gaye mixed with a little Stevie Wonder, because my man is changing the straight game, man. look at him. you just got to let him get loose, man. watch, I'm going to do it one more time, and trust me, you will see a hit. watch this right here. blends, one more time. just let it flow, all right? come on, Blizzy B. Yo, off the dome. put your tape decks on record. Ludacrisp, Blizzard Man, 1995. another club banger. check my style out. we rap all the time. Oh, we are so good at rapping. who wants to mess with us? you'll totally get shot with a gun. don't you be a jerk. it's bad for the party, and the ladies get scared.
Here you smoke this doobie. let's all cool out and get in the hot tub. What a fancy shindig. there are some real bodacious babes. they see our soggy trunks, and they shake their boobies, and my thingy gets excited. Boop, boop, boodily, boop, boop, boop. do, do, do, do, do. do, do, do, do, do. this actually might work. Ha ha. I told y'all to stay with me. that's the sign, right? that's the sign. High Five. that's what I'm talking about. that's what I'm talking about. |
TheOnion | Ted_Cruz_Fills_Few_Hours_Of_Marathon_Speech_With_Rousing_Pro_Obamacare_Argument | The new Netflix Gas lets users instantly inhale multiple seasons of TV shows. An area man is worried the nation's healthcare debate might be getting political, and a bullied eighth-grader incorrectly thought classmates would leave him alone during a field trip to the 9-11 memorial. Don't mistake my kind, gentle tone for one of love or support. This is The Onion Week in Review. This week, while giving a 21-hour marathon address in opposition to Obamacare, Republican Senator Ted Cruz found himself filling a few hours of his speech with rousing support for the president's medical plan. Sources say that after nearly 18 hours of delivering a litany of points against Obamacare and even reading sections of Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham for added time, the senator spent nearly two hours discussing the benefits of the plan. According to sources, at one point, Cruz said, quote, if the Affordable Health Care Act is passed, over 15.9 million uninsured Americans will finally have access to health insurance. This is what America needs.
On Thursday, the world's high-ranking insect leaders convened in Canada for the annual G20 billion summit. Sources say the insect leaders, representing North and South America, Europe, Asia, and Africa, met to address the various challenges facing today's insects and promote stability among the global bug population. This is a crucial year as insects are hoping to address diminishing nectar supplies, ways to achieve sustainable nest growth, and a proposed law that would ban flying towards big, bright lights. These are all issues that affect the world's 10 quintillion insects.
Shortly after creating a profile on okcupid.com, local man Malcolm Lighty told reporters he thought it was best to just never mention the fact that there is something seriously wrong with him on the popular dating website. Lighty told reporters while his OkCupid profile includes extensive details about his various interests, he thought he was better off not mentioning his borderline personality disorder. The thing about online dating is you don't want to get too personal too quickly. Like for example how I'm a textbook narcissist with unresolved intimacy issues or the fact that I have no sense of empathy. Nobody wants to hear about that. It's important when you're making your first impression to keep it casual and not include a bunch of information about your inability to maintain a relationship because of a history of violent mood swings. Just keep it short and sweet, you know? And in sports news, UFC 227 or 183 or some fucking thing happened last weekend. In other news, an insecure man is pretending to be someone he's not.
A secret agent's back's been a bit hinky ever since he burst through that skylight and landed in the fountain, and a man experiencing his first real moment of peace in years is resuscitated. Congratulations, you have completed this video with flying colors. Please await your certificate and complimentary fruit basket in the mail before proceeding any further. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | how_harry_potter_would_really_have_turned_out_episode_1_of_3 | You all know the story of this special boy with the lightning bolt-shaped scar and the evil that he was destined to destroy But you don't know this story about a bad alternate timeline where he and his bud ran away to muggle lines instead Because that's a lot of heavy shit to lay on a 12 year old in retrospect Anyway, here's what happened before I went back and fixed everything with a time turner One bright wizard girl tried to fetch the boys back Only they weren't boys anymore because it took forever to find them because wizards don't know how to use computers I'm the principal of the wizard school Okay, I'm gonna go suck some dicks now People are trying to sleep Fuck me with a dragon dick. The bastards found me done Donnie, I'm sorry if I woke you I'm just it's a raid man.
What's the shit? What is it? Do you mean the drugs?
That's an admissible. This is intrapment. It's fucking wizards, man I'm looking for Harry Potter. Wait, wait, wait one second on Bring the shit. Ah, I already kind of flustered. You still want it you little weasel shit is needed out here. Bring the droid Listen small wonder. I don't know any hair Expelliottle get the fuck out of here. Yo, you don't want the ones that's been in the toilet, right? It's you. Oh Harry something terrible has happened. He must have come with me Fuck you Didn't lock the door Just hear me out and I'll be on my way.
I promise please just listen Yeah, okay. All right. I'm just Have a seat please. All right.
I'll offer you nothing because I don't trust you Tried to write ahead so, you know, I Sent owl after owl that was you We devised traps the landlords up my ass about it. Try looking email next time.
Oh Welcome the fucking Congrats, so Can you really speak to snakes? Yeah I owe some water moccasins money and they all have big fucking How Right, okay, let's start over Um, my name's Stacy. Well, it used to be Hermione, but then I changed it First thing you got a grok here is I don't care. Okay. Well, your name is or what you want What my name is? It's Jerry and it's true. I Didn't believe it, but you hid You and your butt boy Don Weasley good man. I think I got most of You run from your people from from innocent witches and wizards that needed you to save them wait Wait, you came all the way to America to hide changed your voices and you only changed your names by one letter What's your muggle name smart ass it's Stacy cage Like peach. I thought I sounded feminine.
I like it Yeah, good pick now fuck off and go ask a wizarding school for help American wizard school We don't end up as chickens with dicks for beaks Sure that we can work something out Donnie show her the gold All day all day. Oh you miscreant the wizard gold chill Whoa All these things all the way across the fucking pond. No one here takes them not even Disneyland and shit Jumba juice won't take these fuckers.
So what are you saying? You grab a cape full? Me on your way. Okay.
I mean, I don't have a fireplace, but you could shove a broom There is no home for me offer any good with it. Not anymore. I've lost my magic I've lost my home because of you Yeah, I'm sorry when I was an orphan and they asked me to fight wizard Hitler. I was like No Okay, my apologies.
What was it? Oh, you mean He who must not be named wasn't be named.
Yeah. All right. Remember that. Hey, why don't you go Beatles use me a Bloody Mary? What made me a fucking Bloody Mary Oh Don't spit in it this time Stacy Stace listen, I get it. Okay. I hear what you're saying. All the wizards are probably Slaves now dead or something. Yes, exactly. Yes, fine. Great.
Look at this from my point of view This was 20 years ago. Okay, I'm not your savior Mm-hmm barely even a wizard and it's true. You still have your magic. You can still cause What?
What what what what just shut the face, okay, you know what you Chuck why don't you take this guy? Order as a pizza. Okay babies know how to use that my associate and I need to confirm That Siri shit should keep her busy. It's maddening. So what no pizza then shut up, man.
She doesn't what? She's cute though, huh? Fucking even if she can't do magic no more. She's still that's right She can't and I can and she always respects that we can use that to our advantage Maybe him. Hmm. I can use magic Kill her I Feel like you're doing that thing you do when you haven't thought the consequences all the way through.
Yeah. Yeah, fine. Fine.
Sure Good point, but I have an idea Bird Cialis there they're gone. Listen Stacie. We've come to the gym. Did she get a pizza though? Sounds like Siri and pizza to me Okay, forget it.
No one does it fucking fine. No one knows how to use our fucking leg. Okay Stacey yes Stace, yes Well, it will help. We'll do the fuck You will oh Don't okay, just fucking for God's sake ram. Yes So if you will go into the bathroom and freshen up so that we can You know be seen with you then we'll tidy up in here and move powwow and we'll get all this shit shorted up If you would be so kind I Suddenly become embarrassed by the way we live Donnie Open the front door man Grab the bruise smells like a hill troll queefed in here Are you sure these are even magic still course the fucking magic we're just too fat now damn American portions Yeah, first thing that I need is a fucking seat What a first person who thought of that seats for brooms.
Look, I Spent all the money I had finding you I Have no way to go and you're too dumb to stop me So I'm staying if you leave I will be right here when you get back and I am not leaving Until you agree to come with me to kill though but Giant man, it's like a goat name My horse figurine Oh She locks it that's to them brainy. I think she'd be a lot harder to kill you thought Hey You remember that? Chocolate frog that hopped away from us on a train that time we met.
Yeah Was it like a sentient creature is he alive somewhere hopping around fucking chocolate caramels and shit cuz I didn't need him Yeah Think about that frog It Classic burn your Wang chugged ness there remains no enemy wizard whose power you don't control Nor is that any sign of the prophesied boy? Done possessing a power level. We are even capable of registering your Orphan skull fucking this All who have access to our world have been in source old the muggles suspect nothing you're You were evil I fear you sorry, I I blame fine The orphan one was good Now we can enter the final phase Drink like pretty lot of your blood. Oh I'm not your Savior all the wizards are probably slaves now Your savior All your savior If I don't get my magic back, I don't know have some beer Pretty sure they think I'm some kind of |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Statues_Collapse_of_Society_Pete_Evans_New_Recipe_29_05_20 | You're joined by myself editor Clancy Overall, our news reader Wendell Hussey. Hello Wendell. Hello Clancy, how are you? Good thanks and of course editor at large Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Pretty good today mate, let's get into it.
What happened in the news this week Wendell? Plenty happened.
We'll start off with some national stuff though and Australians have been advised to not look too far into the history of some of our statues either. Yes after a big week of anti-racism protests and activism around the world that's seen statues torn down and vandalised across the UK and US, Australians have been urged to maybe steer clear of all that here. That conversation is an inconvenient one given the amount of famous historical figures who took part in genocidal crimes in our own country. Yeah it is a tricky situation isn't it? I mean for example that Macquarie was a nasty fuck wasn't he? I mean there's plenty of statues of Governor Lachlan Macquarie all over Australia. He's a man who's often associated with the founding of post-colonial Australia but he's also well known to historians outside the Australian school system as someone who enjoyed throwing aboriginal women and children off cliffs. Yes it's an uncomfortable fact that plenty of people don't want to talk about so we'll see if we can just avoid this conversation altogether I reckon. But if we do have to have it there was a helpful comment on the story from Tom Mum who said if we do tear these statues down Rio Tinto should be put in charge of tearing them down because they're pretty good at destroying sacred sites.
Elsewhere around the country now and onto a bit more of a positive story, Uncle Tony Abbott has now been tipped to win a Nobel Prize for selfless protection of refugees and the environment. Yes a feel good story this one after Tony Abbott was finally recognised this week on the Queen's birthday honours list for his significant contributions to trade, border control and to the indigenous community. It's been revealed that the accolades might not stop there. That's right fancy-clancy next stop a Nobel Prize they're saying now as recognition for his cultural advances as an environmental advocate and his tireless work protecting refugees.
Had a heart of gold heading overseas now to the not very United States of America and Trump has told his supporters he's going to need another four years to really make America great again. Yes he's given his word on it after another week of chaos in the land of the free and home of the brave US President Donald Trump has quoted Powderfinger in saying these days turned out nothing like I had planned. So he's going to need another presidential term just to fix everything they've had a few you know few minor setbacks. Yeah well the former host of the American version of Celebrity Apprentice he made those comments in Bigots field in Mississippi and he said there were a number of reasons why everything's gone even further to shit over there but none of them are his fault and he's definitely going to turn things around this time starting with sticking up to Antifa.
In some local news now and a woman's latest wave of anxiety is either from her second coffee or the collapse of Western civilization. Yeah it certainly does get like that sometimes I think about packing up all my things selling my antique rifle collection and just taking the Jayco around the country till I drop. So I hear this young lady and her concerns but it does sound like she's got the light head jitters on this occasion from a bit of a caffeine overload. Yeah sounds like a dream the grey nomad dream you're talking up there Errol I have plants myself but yes this 24 year old Naomi Wells said that she had a sudden wave of anxiety and restlessness this week and thought it may have been due to the seemingly inevitable spiral towards an apocalypse but soon realized it was probably had more to do with her having a second long black before cocking on for the day so hopefully she's feeling a bit better now.
Indeed moving on to another potentially dangerous brew now and Pete Evans has been praised by mainstream media skeptics for his daring new asbestos broth recipe. Paleo Pete yes I know this paper loved to hang a lot of crap on mainstream media for giving this fucking lunatic air time but you know I think that's a bit hypocritical with this story because once again we've given this oxygen thief more oxygen than he's worth. I don't know Pete is a pretty grounded guy who doesn't care about the money he just wants to help people he reckons which is why he is offering this asbestos broth recipe in his new book only available on ebooks at Google which he says provides bone support through the six vital fibrous crystals and is a must try for anyone who believes in alternative health. Yeah well if the famous Hobart DJ Astro Labe is listening to this could you nut this cunt next? Any comments on that one Wendell? Yeah there was a great one from Andrew Kirkby one of our valued commenters who said he's all on board with Pete Evans new recipe because everyone needs fibro in their diet it helps keep you regular. That's it for us this week thank you for tuning in wherever it is you are in the world and we'll be back next week with all the biggest stories from our humble regional western Queensland newspaper until then I'm Clancy Overall remember to wash your hands especially after you've taken a shit and my name is Errol Parker my name is Wendell Hassey goodbye |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sarah_palin_saturday_night_live | Game Change, a political docu-drama about the 2008 Presidential campaign, premiered on Hbo Tonight, and Julianne Moore is receiving high praise for her portrayal of Sarah Palin. here to comment, Sarah Palin.
Aw. well, howdy there, Seth, don't you know? good to be back here on Snl. Remember me, everyone? I'm from Alaska. Andy, what are you doing? where's Tina? it's okay. I've got this. Oh, yeah, don't you know? you're darn tootin'.' I miss this place, too, don't you know? it feels like only yesterday I was still running for President. you mean Vice President. Oh, you know me.
I don't remember stuff so good. because I'm Sarah Palin, don't you know? you gotcha. it's you betcha, And she actually winked, which is just one eye. Okey-dokey, Smokey-pokey. Andy, not only is the look wrong, but you don't know anything about Sarah Palin. Well, that's just Moose Dookey, Seth. it's a big steam and snow machine full of moose dookey. Because I'm still the same iconic Sarah Palin I've always been.
And then it's like, uh-oh, can't name any newspapers.
Watch out for Katie Curry on the getcha media. it's Notcha media. Andy, Tina was supposed to do this. and I got sick, all right? But don't worry, I'm filling in and I'm killing it. you're not killing me. Yes, I am. just watch this one.
Oh, yeah. people keep asking me, what does Sarah Palin think of this new game-change movie? and I say, I don't know, Alaska. Like Alaska, because that's where I'm from, don't you know? you can see my house from Russia.
Andy, you gotta stop doing this. Oh, boy, you're gonna make me do my famous catchphrase. Okay. I did Not have sexual relations with that woman. that's Bill Clinton. duh, Bears. Andy. Seth, come on, okay? just let me do this. I can do it. you're my friend. let me do it. Okay. fine, go ahead. thank you. So, Seth.
Yes, Sarah Palin. we have a joke we like to tell Down in Alaska. Down in Alaska?
Oh, no. What's the difference between a hockey mob and a pitbull? I don't know, Sarah. What's the difference? one of them's a human, and the other one's a dog. No, that's wrong.
I'm Sarah Palin, I love snow, and I'm going rogue, And I gotcha. The iconic Sarah Palin, everyone.
Ooh, stooky. Hey, hey, hey. |
cracked | the_best_ever_use_of_the_jedi_mind_trick_staying_lazy_galactic_war_room | Hey. Hey, one of you.
Do you have any fizzer left? Check the mini fridge.
Which of you do I outrank? Technically all of us because your family is paying for the rebellion and technically none of us because of a rebellion fighting an oppressive regime. So, not much for taking orders from monarchs. You can outrank me if you want.
Perfect. Bring me a fizzer hither. Red, please. Stop. Is this rebellion related? Yes. Because if it is, if getting you a delicious treat is rebellion related, you'll need to make a formal request in writing. We need a holotrail for everything. Oh, great star lord. Fine.
You are released back to your previous toiling. Now you have space, manager. I have no such thing. Someone be a button and close that. I will close the mini fridge later if you admit that you have space magic.
Ooh, space magic. You really believe in that stuff. Look out, the rest of you. The universe is made of magic. We saw you accidentally kill that authority operative with space magic. Don't think we didn't all of us see that. I didn't know such thing.
I merely prayed to the great star lord and he saw fit to reward my piety. You believe in that, malarkey? The great star lord. Astro saint of the star warriors who died in a cross-wing fighter for us and rose three parsecs later to become our lord and celestial. Yes, I think I believe in that malarkey. Hail star lord. Yes, hail star lord.
You're being facetious. Well, good for you. As we now see, I too am capable of facetiousness. Good for you. Thank you. Look, I don't rub your noses in my religious truths.
Out of respect for the work... You respected the workplace. You'd close that door. If you respected the workplace, you'd use your space magic to save the galaxy. Our workplace, if I have to again remind you, is a rebel uprising trying to save the galaxy.
You could do anything. You know we've had a pilot on a bog planet for the past eight months just trying to wiggle a stone with his mind. Oh yeah, how's that going? Not good. I thought I intimated that pretty clearly.
It's going not good because space magic is a myth. It's something that poor people tell each other to feel powerful. You are walking proof that space magic exists. Just because the space magic warriors die out every 30 years or so doesn't mean the entire galaxy's forgotten about them. I mean, your father was a space magic warrior.
I'm not my father. No. Silence!
What? Yes, blended. Take them away. Who take Kuma away? You. Yourselves. All of you leave. |
cracked | why_it_s_time_to_stop_calling_everything_a_hipster | Now that I've said the word hipster and shown you my outfit, you might be thinking, oh hey, some hipster! Or any number of other millions of things a person could be thinking at any given moment. But maybe it's the hipster thing. The word hipster evokes someone like this. Vintage, vegan, underground, etc. More words and then cap it off with before it was cool. And those are basically all the things people say.
At least they used to be. Alright, settle down there guy. But yeah, at least they used to be.
Now the word hipster means anything, basically. Just look at the, I'm sorry for taking us there, the comments section of Krak's 2012 year-ending megalist, in which we talk about the year's most appropriate songs, not the best songs. Hipster doofuses shouldn't make claims about music. Okay, rude. Said I was a hipster doofus. Rude. Moving on, this article is all hipster trash.
Okay, maybe. Let's at least look at what the songs are. Call me maybe.
We are young, a Kanye West song, a Mumford & Sons song, and that Poor Girls music video about how it was Thanksgiving. For being underground, these songs sure are fucking popular. But okay, maybe these songs are hipster trash.
Maybe now hipster means very popular. Alright, another comment says, I was going to go all hipster on this one and say, never heard of any of them, but then there was call me maybe. First of all, not knowing things doesn't make you a hipster. It just makes you a human being. Second of all, to clarify, you're saying that you're not a hipster because you've heard the very popular call me maybe, but haven't heard of the very popular several other songs I mentioned. So, a hipster is maybe. I don't know anymore, man. Well, according to these comments that ask, does that mean I'm old and a hipster, and does that make me a hipster? Am I a hipster doofus? Nobody knows. There are also comments saying things like, I hope this won't make me sound like a hipster, and I didn't want to seem like a hipster or some shit.
So, nobody knows what they are, but everyone knows they don't want to be one. Hipster is now basically just code for anyone you just don't like. You stupid hipster doofus!
It's the vaguest bigotry possible. It's a slur that doesn't mean anything because it means anything.
You are free. Hey everybody, I heard last time Dan O'Brien did impressions of all of us and you liked it and stuff, so how about this internet, impressions of Dan O'Brien. Okay, I can't deal with it. Ooh, I am quite a beard. I'm Dan O'Brien, I have a dog at home, and I'm an Irish Catholic. Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah. |
SaturdayNightLive | japanese_steak_house_saturday_night_live | Do they serve shrimp up in here? Uh, I believe they do. good, because until this beeper goes off from the Red Lobster next door, we're gonna chill over here.
And they need to give us a free dessert, too, because it's my friend's birthday. it's my birthday, y'all. it's my birthday, okay? Hello, everybody. I'm Star Keisha, and this is my best friend. Very Chakra. And over here is my cousin, Appreciante. it's so fancy up in here. mm-hmm. we are happy to be in your group. Ooh, hot towels. they have hot towels. ooh. ooh, they must be giving facials or something. Ooh. Oh, he the chef. he the chef. he the chef. Oh, okay. all right, now. welcome to Sukehura. my name is Yaqui Muke. I will prepare a meal at a table site. the muke! it's so good for us. thank you. it's my birthday. Thank you. thank you.
Now, this is the biggest George Foreman Grill I have ever seen in my life. Ooh, where the forks at? Oh, uh, please. ooh, thank you. you have to put this right on up here. put this back up here. please, enjoy the vegetable. man, this doesn't work. mm. excuse me. we need some forks. something wrong with your throat? You all right? you got asthma. you need your inhaler. okay. can everybody just keep it down? you. oh, damn. wait a minute.
Oh, good. that's it. don't give it back. don't play. come on. thank you. girl, I got some glue. I got some glue. Girl, I got some glue. thank you. thank you. I got some glue right here. thank you. let's cause money.
I'm thirsty. what y'all drinking? Oh, um, this is a sake. sake? What? what? what the hell you say? Oh, sake. it's hot rice wine. oh, that looks good. pass that down. let me taste that. wait, let me see this. let me see this. Girl, that ain't nothin' but some hot Hennessy ass.
Oh. thank you. could you please tell your friends to keep it down? Well, they gotta be my friends. Well, I. hey, man, I came with you. that's right. too much stocky. I'm sorry, Jerry. Oh, that's right. thanks. please. enjoy it. should we.
Oh, shrimp. yeah. thank you. it's dark quiche for a chocolate. mm. Preciante. y'all see what I see? Oh, hell no. hell no. let me see your plate. hold on. one, two, three, four. she has five shrimp, and she only has one. this is de-shrimp-a-nation up in here, all right? Oh, my. my daddy. brothers. But I never had thought I was gonna have to fight some little Japanese man for my fair share of scrimps. what's that from the color purple? Mm-hmm. he got it. he got it. he got it. There we go. that's my girl. that was pretty good. she's so talented. last year, she was an extra in soul food. mm-hmm. that's right. I can act.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. our people going off at real Lhasa, girl. it is time to go, okay? And they got all-you-can-eat-scrimps over there. And that is a lot of scrimps. So we gotta go.
Oh, hey, how you doing? I loved you. I loved you in that movie, Rush Hour. Tell Chris Tucker.
Starkeisha said, hello. sorry, gotta go. thanks for the free birthday meal. I said my name is Starkeisha. y'all come over here and shoot your hood. And it's my birthday every year. |
Wizards_with_Guns | dueling_vipers | I'm sorry, Mom. We just can't get you the surgery. We can't afford it right now. It's a thousand dollars! Hang on, Mom. I'm gonna need to call you back.
Yeah. Cliff? Looks like we're getting the van back together. It had been 12 years since Dueling Vipers last played. But we were just as sharp as ever.
First up, Clifford. My best friend and the killer on the flute. Trust me when I say, this guy blows. Then, there's me. I play the reporter. I can finger this thing like it's prom night, every night. Next up, Clifford.
He was literally the only guy I knew. Those were the days. Back then, they were completely unknown. And the people that did know them, hated them.
1998, just a couple of flutes, a garage, and a dream. It was truly the beginning of something, well, it could have been something great.
I mean, back then, you know, when you're young, you think you're invincible. You think you're on top of the world. You think nothing can knock you down.
You think you're never gonna hit a dog with your car. You think, when you go to back away from the dog, that you won't hit a second dog just as hard. I could tell from the sound the first dog made, as soon as I hit the second, that both dogs weren't gonna be okay.
I wasn't. I'm still not.
I mean, I definitely had to quit the band after that. Still can't hear a flute note without hearing the sound those dogs made. I mean, we only had one practice, but that day, I knew we had something good.
The next step was just figuring out how to make it big. I mean, it was big, the dog, but both of them were. It was a huge mess. Those were my dogs. They were huge. Just look at them. It was 1998. Back then, my dogs were alive. Nowadays, they're dead. I had to buy a new car. It was that bad.
So the next day, I grab my flute. I walk straight into Carl's Jr. I say, I want a job today. Management's like, do you even have a high school diploma? I say, no, but my dad owns this franchise. They're like, fine, you're hired, but why do you have a flute? I say, oh, my bad. I completely forgot I walked in with it. Can I go back to my car and put it in my car? Are you in a band, or do you work at a Carl's Jr.? What do you... I don't understand the question.
From there, it was gangbusters. I mean, one day I'm on cashier. The next, I'm on fry station. I mean, people are eating this up. Before I knew it, I'm working at Carl's Jr. for 15 years. I actually am having a hard time breaking into middle management.
Derek had a real problem back then. An addiction. It was really affecting everyone around him. Something had to give. Yeah, I heard he just wouldn't stop eating burgers and fries, like, just straight out the back. We asked him to stop, and he said he would, but then he just kept doing it. I don't think he even knows we have a camera. It got so bad that we just started taking it out of his paycheck.
All I wanted back then was burgers and fries. All I could think about was burgers and fries. Honestly, I think I took the job in the first place, just for burgers and fries. And ketchup.
I need a minute. I hate him. Katie's mom is actually filming there. My mom never came to my show. Uh, Dueling Vipers Reunion.
I don't know. Actually, I do know. No, definitely not. Did you not hear all the stuff about the dogs?
Yeah, music's still a part of my life. I love listening to up-and-coming bands. It's indie stuff.
No. No matter where you are in life, it's important to remember where you've been, where you're from. I think it just might give you a good idea of where you're going. As for me, I'm going back to work. Oh, hold on. I just got fired from Carl's Jr. Yeah. Yeah, I just got the email. Well, I forgot how to play the flute, so I can't do that.
Shit. Damn it. They had a camera there? What the fuck? That's like an invasion of privacy or some shit. Oh, we're done? Okay. Wow. That was actually really quick. It'd be okay if I slept here, right? Um, did your mom ever get that surgery? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She took out a loan. Her tits are huge now.
They're like double Ds. Billing vipers? Oh, I thought Derek was dead. No, I just have a long ball. God, I can't do this accent. |
dropout | Man_Turns_Home_into_Home_Depot_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, where none of us know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
Live from the studio, I'm Little Rummy Tum Tum. And I'm Beaver Cleveland. Oh my.
Our top story of the night, how to make your house a home depot? A Philadelphia man sold everything he loved and cherished, including two of his three kids to open his very own lumber yard. Home deep? No. Eyewitnesses say they saw this balding baddie just hurling shit out of his one-story colonial ranch. Two bed, two bath, complete with a very musty basement in order to make room. His neighbors are running around screaming at all hours of the day in fear that he'll try to take their colonial homes down the same screwy path. How many neighbors do you think he's got? No less than 12, Beaver. That's too many home depots for one block rum. As someone who has home depot memorabilia all scattered throughout my sad, sad duplex, I still have to agree.
With tears in my eyes, I agree. Now with the weather, our completely underqualified meteorologist, Fluffy Zusch. Fluffy? Happy to be here, team. This week is going to be a wild one.
First, it's going to rain for 48 hours, but only over Northmont, Arkansas. In weather college, we're taught to call this strange instance, God pissing somewhere it deserved. Make sure to stay indoors and sandbag your windows and lace up those galoshes because it's soak time. God's piss, huh? 100%. It's a grade A deity urine baby. As we all know, Northmont, Arkansas, residents just fucking hate moisture.
Last time this happened, you could hear they're screaming all the way into Idaho. Just a bunch of whiners yelling, quit giving us Tinkle Father.
It sure don't taste like urine and my personal favorite, Fuck. That's my favorite too. Fuck.
Once the rain ceases, it's going to be cloudy as shit, but also hot. A real nasty combo like the number four hot jack spicy shrimp. We're talking dense clouds too. Real thick buddies. Cold fatties.
But don't worry, Northmont, those curvy idiots will just part right in time for the solstice so you can have your hurling neighbor into the sun festival. All hail the God of sun. May she be appeased. Thanks Fluffy.
We interrupt with some breaking news from our field reporter, Toronto's on fire. Toronto's. Thanks Beav. Toronto's on fire here, coming to you live from Toronto. Guys, please don't make me do this. What's going on in Toronto, Toronto's? Yeah. What's the scoop, Toronto's?
I'm begging you to let me off the hook. I asked for any other assignment. This feels wrong and murthy. Push through the pain. Fine. You want the scoop?
Turns out CNN's very own rascal Wolf Blitzer was caught attending a party with actual wolves. And get this, he was drinking a carbonated wine beverage that he claimed could heal his female siblings friction induced sore. That means. Wolf Blitzer attended a wolf mixer while drinking a spritzer elixir to cure his sister's blister. And apparently the elixir was a success because Mr. Blitzer was hired at Tifster as a. Tongue twister? No, as a consultant, dumb ass.
That's all for me, gang. This is Toronto's on fire, reminding you that windbreakers should just be called fart jackets. Back to you, Beav. Thanks, Toronto's. Now back to you, Toronto's. Thanks, Beav. That about does it for me. Now back to you, Beav. Thanks, Toronto's.
Before we go, our loser of the week is me because I couldn't keep it together. Thanks for watching. Ref is a loser. |
TheOnion | Please_Let_Me_Out_I_ve_Told_You_Everything_I_Know_About_Fantasy_Football | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. If you're looking at the only three remaining Siberian Tigers left in the world, you know you've stepped inside the Owner's Box.
We're nine weeks into what has been a topsy-turvy NFL season, and the big question remains, will you let me leave now? I've told you everything I know about fantasy football. I'm asking you, whoever kidnapped me and locked me in this cage, what more can I possibly give? I mean, every day I sit here and I tell you my advice when that red light goes on, but for what? Last week, I said, start Arian Foster, and he went off for 37 points, but that apparently wasn't enough, so start Foster again. Bench Sammy Watkins, wave Marcus Wheaton, is that good?
Is that what you wanted to hear? They make me tweet, they make me blog, they make me record three videos a day. The only messages that I get come to me from under the hatch, or from this hole in the ceiling. See? When will it stop? If anyone else is watching this and can help me escape, please know that I think I heard the ocean when they brought me here.
No. Put down the graphic. Don't make me talk about running backs again, please.
I have nothing left to say, you cowards. Show your faces. I'm so sick of this charade. If you're not going to let me leave, then at least have the courage to kill me. I no longer fear death because every day you motherfuckers keep me here. Perry gets stronger, and when I get out, I will.
No. I'm sorry.
I'll be good. Don't... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_122_Briggs_2_0 | Just me, Clancy Overall, this week for today's interview, Errol is in isolation. He keeps things pretty quiet when it comes to his romantic life, but it turns out Errol does have a new flame and she's come up on the ice road, Bourke, Cunnamulla to Batooter. The local authorities actually found out before that she'd come from Milduras. So I mean their little dirty weekend was exposed and they're both in isolation now and she's looking at big fines, big fines, possible jail time for Errol's new filly.
Probably not a front page because she's not an African teenager. So she's... She's not? No, she's not. No, that was his ex.
And today's guest, rapper, writer, actor, and now a... African teenager now. African teenager, when this album drops, he'll get a front page and they will be declaring him enemy of the state.
Did they put a question mark on that? No, no, no, that would have been better.
Was that enemies of the state? Enemies of the state. We don't back this headline, it's red hot. Enemies of the state?
Briggs, thank you for joining us. We also now, and we'll get into this, a children's book publisher, illustration... Yeah, I had the biggest kids book in the country at a point. Me and Bluey.
Yeah, that is stiff competition too because that's a cult.
He's got a TV show, like I can't compete with that. I'm only on TV sometimes. I'm only part of a TV show.
Yeah, I'm only like a little bit, like I'm not... It's not the Brigsley show, is it? No, no, it's Pickering feet, Brigs, but I guess... Even like Disenchantment, I'm only like a little bit. Little bit.
I mean, yeah, some would argue that it's your show and Matt Groening's just helping out. Bless him. Despite the fact that he's producer and creator. He's an old dirty creator.
Children's book, author, you know what I mean? What is the name of your book?
We'll plug it from the top. Our Home, Our Heartbeat, so make sure if you've got kids or thinking about having kids or trying to practice, or even if you know some kids. Or you're rooting. Yeah, just get a book, just in case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep one, you know, break in case of emergency.
Our Home, Our Heartbeat is in theme with a song you released a couple of years ago. Is that the go? You did a song with Archie Rudge?
Yeah, we did The Children Came Back, like a sequel to They Took the Children Away, which was like, you know, again, that was all about celebrating Indigenous heroes. And that's what this book is about. It's about celebrating Indigenous heroes and all the contributions to various industries and platforms that Blackfellas have had over the last, you know, couple of hundred years.
Yeah, we've seen in the last, I mean, I guess the last couple of years, social media has obviously changed the news cycle a lot for a lot of Black kids at home. They're seeing a lot more stuff that they wouldn't have seen on Triple M or Channel 7 growing up. But yeah, what were the heroes that you saw just immediate that you were exposed to, other than, you know, what your parents are telling you?
Yeah, I think like for me, like being a Black kid, it's like, it's all sports, right? Gavin Wanganene, you know, championship bomber, Brown Lane medalist and that. And then it's like, you know, Kathy Freeman, obviously. Yeah, so it's always Lionel Rose, even though that was way before my time. You heard about him. Lionel Rose could bash people, it's like, that's pretty sick, put that on my wall. And I guess like Black families, we just love to see Blackfellas win. That's always been a mainstay, Jonathan Thurston come along, it's like another one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another GOAT. Yeah.
Yeah, 2015 feels like it was a pinnacle at that point and, you know, there's constantly records are being broken, but, you know, to have two NRL teams in the grand final with two Black captains was a big moment for, you know, sports. Yeah, you know, it becomes a thing of like, you know, even where I'm from, I talked to this today, you know, where we're from, our family from the Cummeragunja mission, like right on the border of New South Wales and Victoria. On that mission, you've got the Sapphires, William Cooper, Sir Doug Nichols, who was like a championship footballer, and also, you know, the first governor of South Australia, Jimmy Little, who was a pop star.
We've also got like Tony Briggs, and a gang of other footballers, David Buapunda, etc. It's like, at what point does that stop being an anomaly? And there's so many. Yeah, it's like, it's kind of weird now. Yeah, it's like, it's like, you know, obviously, like, like, there's me as well. And then there's Debra Cheatham, like, who's the opera singer. So there's all these other... And a lot more than sport. Yeah, that's what I mean, like, there's all these different levels of achievement, you know what I mean? Like from this one little mission. And it's like, at what point are they no longer outliers, and now this is, this is the norm. This is just what happens here.
We create, like, this is in the DNA of this place. Yeah, I mean, Gigi, I mean, obviously, that's your people. And your people have proven themselves in all fields, as you have technically, you know, across the board, you've proven yourself not just a rapper.
I haven't seen you play sports. So I'll rule that one out until I see it.
Let's just talk to it. Yeah, yeah. And I could have been a world beater, mate. Yeah, right. Is that a disc in my back? Could have been anything. The Melbourne Storm came to my school, and they let me tackle the bags. And they really wanted me to continue to do that. But I told my old man about it, and like, you know, we're from, this is AFL country. This is back when Storm first arrived, this would have been like 97. Yeah, Lazarus. Yeah, yeah.
And I told Dad, I was like, oh Dad, Storm want me to come and train. Dad was just like, bah.
Just, not happening. I'm not taking you to Melbourne anyway. They need to win like eight premierships, and I'll tell you, pay no notice, they're almost there.
I could have been a championship Storm player, I imagine that. Could have been anything, mate, but as I said, I haven't seen you play sport, but I haven't seen you rap, haven't seen you writing on the screen.
And you know, those skills are spread right across your community. It's similar things happen around the world, you know, particularly in towns where, you know, the narrative is these people don't have it too good.
Yeah. It's interesting to see it, like, you know how like on Wikipedia pages, they have like alumni of. Yeah, for sure. It'd be interesting to see the alumni of these missions and like the families from these missions from like, you know, from, from Kempsey to Paul Reed to Will Kanya to...
Cherbourg. Cherbourg's a good example.
They got buddy Eddie Gilbert bowled out Bradman.
Yeah, they didn't like that. They didn't talk about that. Yeah, they changed the laws to make sure he didn't play again.
But you know, there's a lot of that kind of stuff coming out of Cherbourg, a lot of, you know, pastors count, they count, you know, prominent pastor that counts. Right. Well, Sir, Sir Doug Nichols, Uncle Doug was a pastor as well. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And it's similar, Brooklyn do kind of do the alumni in the States. You know, they had Basquiat, Biggie, all kinds of sportsmen. Birthplace of Michael Jordan.
You know, like Bed-Stuy, obviously big, you know, Marcy Projects, you know, with Jay-Z, Hov. I love, you know, that's one of the games we play, like, you know, top five from the boroughs. You know what I mean? Which borough's better? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it always comes down to Queens and Brooklyn. I don't know which one I prefer. I really do like Queens though, like Nas, 50. Jamaica Queens.
50.
Yeah, yeah. Bro.
And look, again, spread his skillset across many different fields, vitamin water. Especially his social media.
But yeah, like, it's interesting to see, like, you know, from all these adverse, I guess, situations, what kind of leadership they kind of create. You feel like excellence is kind of normalized. Well, you have to be excellent. It's like, because if you don't, you get, and I think that kind of, like, intense, like, you know, that situation really creates, like, a lot of, you know, people with some good stick-to-itiveness.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, pressure makes diamonds. That's the flex, yeah. Because I remember, and I'll probably mention this on the podcast before, standing out front of the Auckland casino, I was rather refreshed.
And there was this big bunch of kids wearing Moleskines and RMs, and I said, what are you fucking Queenslanders doing here? Big bunch of them.
They go, we're not, we're from the South Island. I go, whoa, cool, South Island. You dress like, and then I was like, oh yeah, you're all, you're all country. The first thing they said to me was, we're from the same town Richie McCaw's from. I was like, I know that there's so many people in the South Island saying that, because that's all they got.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, the excellence is kind of, I mean, that's not all they've got, but like, the excellence, that's their beacon. Whereas where you're from, you've got everyone, you've got every field. Yeah. There's all these different, like, people achieving things in different, and I think that kind of talked to, like, everything I wanted to do. I was like, well, I could do that. I could have a crack at that. Like, I didn't write an animation until I was on Groening's show, Disenchantment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, not a lot of people cut their teeth at that level. In LA, no. In Malibu. Yeah. Do you think there's something in that, though, in terms of, you know, where you grew up, there's a little faggot till you make it? Because, you know, you could have kind of come back quietly on a plane and never told anyone about that trip again, but you just jumped on it. Yeah, I just never, you know, at that point, I'd been like, by that time, anyway, I was like, nah, I'm on. You know what I mean? Like, I'm giving it a shot. There was no reason to not have a crack. Yeah. Like, that was always where I got to, like, because I wasn't so much of a confident kid as I was performative. Yeah. You know what I mean?
I didn't really get the confidence until I was well into my music career. But you definitely had the attention seeker.
Oh, yeah. Oh, bro. 100%.
I was a performative. I was a jerk. Yeah, yeah. I was a loudmouth.
The entire family at Christmas was just like, oh, here he goes. Here he goes. This fucking kid.
You know what I mean? Like, I was always performative, but like, you know, performance isn't always confidence. There's a thing that sets you apart that can allow you to get out there. But I don't think people realize when you're on stage, you know, when you're doing these things and how much control you actually have. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, it looks like you're walking on a tightrope, but up there, like, I'm pretty safe.
And you've been on some stages where, I mean, obviously you're at the point in your career now where people are rocking up to see you and they're paying to see you and they know what they're getting. But early on in your career, probably the only black artist on the bill.
Yeah. And you still kind of have to wrangle that crowd. Bro, I did that last year in Europe. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? Oh, with the hoods. Yeah.
Hilltop hoods, yeah. I traveled Europe with the hilltop hoods as the opening act.
It was like back to square one. Really? Yeah. But it was like, I don't know, it was different. It was like if you put a professional fighter in the ring with someone who didn't know he was a professional fighter. Yeah. Or an audience. Yeah. An audience who didn't know he was a professional fighter.
You know what I mean? Because I felt like I was ready. Because I was like, oh, I know this by the back of my head.
Like, these guys don't know me from a bar of soap or majority. And it's like, I've done so many shows. They don't really understand English either. It's so funny. But they were so receptive. But they didn't know who I was. My majority didn't. And so I was like, here's an opportunity to take a crowd that doesn't know me.
I've been doing this for 15 years. Go in. It was just me and a MIDI controller and a laptop.
Old school. Yeah. That is very pub gig.
Bro.
With the full, having to use my comedy skills as well. You know what I mean? Because after a song, I had to figure out how to walk back to my MIDI controller and load up the next song and make it interesting. So it just wasn't so jarring. So you're putting the next track on? That is some pub gig shit. Bro. You walk up to the laptop like, uh-huh, yep, just click, click. So I made the MIDI controller part of the show.
Yeah, right. If I held up the MIDI controller, I'd be like, everybody, cheer for JT 2.0. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody would be like, ahh. You know what I mean?
I made him part of the show. So he had his own little personality.
What's it like touring with those guys? You started your career, probably, in that world with the hip-hop hoods.
Bro. It was so funny, man, because 10 years before it, they took me to Europe. You know what I mean? And then it's like, out of nowhere, I'm back in Europe with my mates again. Yeah.
They're so seasoned. And everybody's kind of old now, too. It's polished? Including. Ah, bro, they're beyond polished.
They know how to get out of each other's face after a gig? Bro, we all know how to do. Everybody knows how to not press the buttons. You know what I mean?
Like, on these buses. And it's weird sleeping on a bus, man. It's weird.
Five other blocks.
It's not so much that, it's just like, I don't feel like I really slept at all. I felt like I was kind of holding on in my sleep a little bit, you know what I mean? I know a lot of people probably haven't slept on those bunks.
It's really difficult. You feel every motion.
Ah, bro, it's nuts. And I was smart, because I picked the front bunks, which I learned halfway through are actually the bigger. Yeah, OK. And I was like, you fools. Now look, it is I. The one who can stretch out a little bit more.
Well, those guys are, I guess you'd say mercenaries now. Bro, they are so tuned. Not to say they don't feel it, but they are tuned. You know what I mean? Like, they are well travelled.
Tell me what happens on a tour like that, because you've obviously done a few with a big bunch of, with a big crew. You guys will pull up into town, we've got six hours till the gig, or the next day you've got, we've got a day until we leave.
You don't go near each other? No, no we do. You'll go hang out again somewhere? Yeah, because like, you know, we'll pull up and like, some of us will, some dudes are like, you know, I'm just going to sit on the bus and sleep.
You know what I mean? Now it's not moving, yeah. Because I'm like, I've never been to Prague. I can't, I can't not see this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll give you a rundown. First, like, you'll pull up from the night before you pull up somewhere, I'll look out my little curtain and then I'll see where I am.
And like, sometimes it's like, oh, that's beautiful. Sometimes it's like, that's a homeless man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of homeless people. Bro, it's wild.
And then like, because I'm on first, that was the difference. The hoods didn't have to do soundcheck. I had to do soundcheck because like, it's just me. Part of being the opening act. So every day I had to go do soundcheck.
So I'm a coffee fiend, dude. I need coffee. The first thing I do is I get on my Wi-Fi, little portable Wi-Fi thing, and I find a coffee spot.
And then if it's, you know, within an hour walk, I'll just walk to it because I need to get off and get some blood. Come back, set up merch, set up, you know, meet the merch person, jump on stage, set up my stuff, do the soundcheck, wait around to do the show, do the show, pack up all my stuff, then I'll drop all the files from the show, from my GoPro, do some social stuff, post that, jump back up on stage, close the show, yeah, with the hoods, jump off stage, grab as many water bottles as I could, because like, bro, when you're on the road, that stuff is gold. Water is gold on the road. And then like, back on the bus, off to the next city. Some of the drives were horrendous. It's a real job.
Yeah, and then like, we had to get on a ferry sometimes too, like when we went to Dublin. Dublin was lit. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it was, and they would, I mean, they would have known you, they're across, they're across world, like music from around the world, so. I had like 18 hours in Dublin, and that was some of the most fun I'd ever had in my whole life. That was so much, that was ready.
Well, is it better performing in front of people who can understand English? I mean, I mean, obviously they all can understand to a degree what they're listening to, but like every word's getting to these people.
Yeah, I think it's like, also like the difference just in our sense of humour, it's very different from Germany or, you know what I mean, like, thank you for making the show. Yeah, but like, I don't know, I just feel like Dublin was way more ready to get amongst it, you know what I mean? It's going off in Dublin, it's going off right around the world, I mean, just hip hop in general has kind of been able to mature in a lot of countries outside of the US of late. England was one of the first, kind of, you know, off mainland North America, and then, and obviously, you've seen it in Australia, it's matured, in the last two years you've seen, I mean, you guys, I guess, are looked at as pioneers.
Yeah. Definitely. I'm old now.
Yeah, well, the hoods are older, but you kind of came up under them, and then now there's a big crew coming up under you, peripherally, to all of you, there was a scene. I guess you could say there's a direct line of DNA between the hoods and, you know, some of these guys coming up now that are getting millions and millions of views on YouTube. But, you know, for that peripheral thing, that, you know, Aussie skip hop thing isn't what these kids grew up thinking they were going to do.
Nah, it doesn't exist anymore. Nah. Good. Yeah. Barbecue rap. It's over.
And I said this a while ago, I was like, man, hip hop in Australia missed a lot of cues. Like, even when I was first getting into hip hop, or into hip hop, the hip hop industry or scene or whatever in Australia, it was very much kind of mirrored on the underground scenes of New York and LA, Dilated Peoples and nonfiction and all these kind of underground and, you know, rap stuff, all the raucous stuff was pretty wild. But it was like, I don't know, it didn't really speak to me wholeheartedly. It wasn't the whole picture of what I enjoyed. And I just felt like it missed its cues, like it missed, like it didn't have the public enemy moment.
Yeah. And it didn't have, you know. Or the fuck the police moment. Yeah. It didn't have any of that. Yeah.
It wasn't on that level. So it felt like the foundation wasn't that lit. And I feel like that's why when we did AB Original, we hit so hard because it was like, it was a piece missing. You were kind of burned down the house a bit too.
That was, yeah, that was part of it. Yeah. But I felt like there was that piece missing, it was like, there it is, you know, even though it was like way after, but it was really like that piece of the puzzle, that place on the mantle. I'm sure you kind of cast a net over all of the real American hip hop fans living in Australia who just didn't see anything they liked in what Australia had to offer until that point. Yeah. And a lot of people didn't, would say like, it's not like we don't like Australian rap. It's just like, we prefer this other stuff. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't so much like a lot of people were hating on it, you know, cause like the Hilltop Hoods do stadiums, multiple sold out stadiums. I know a lot of kids are on the bus right now and they, you know, it's like, bro, I don't know when we're going to see that again. Yeah. Like that is phenomenal. They, they slotted it. Bro, you can't like, like they are beyond genre now. You know what I mean? Like they are beyond it.
Australia's Jurassic Park. No, I fucked that up. Australia's Jurassic Five. Clever girl. But also, also Jurassic Park. Yeah, sure. No, it's like, it's like 1993 all the dinosaurs are loose, they're loose in the front paddock. That's funny. Jurassic Park. Australia's Jurassic Park. Clever girl.
Speaking of though, when you look at it now and there's so much going on, you've got your, uh, hooligan heifs with his trance kind of zip zip, and then you've got the full blown ad-lay white boy kind of sad boy rap, which is refreshing in, in, in any capacity. And then you've got obviously, you know, all the Koori and Islander stuff that's popping off and African. It just feels like it's all happened at once and it just feels like it's just what is going on? Can you tell us what's happening from an industry perspective? Are they just like, whoa, miss those guys.
They've got 10 million views. Didn't know about them until 10 seconds ago. I think it's like, finally it's catching up.
You know what I mean? Like the voices that need to be heard are being heard. Like the way technology is now, it's a, it's a more international, like there's, there's not many territories. You know what I mean? The way people receive music, the way people find music has changed. Like when I was their age, old man Briggs, I was selling CDs back in me Falcon. You know what I mean?
The Wagga Sporties.
A hundred percent like, you know, waves, but you know what I mean? Like my thing is like, I give a salute to Cursa for really being the dude I feel like who really kind of pioneered that, you know, like told these kids you don't have to do anything other than you. Yeah. I reckon Cursa was like the first dude that I've, you know, could take notice of that was like doing it his way, you know, billboards and doing it big and like. I loved it. You know what I mean?
Like he wasn't necessarily. And not doing it with anyone else too. No, no. Just with his brother, right?
Yeah. And like. Brother and his security card. Yeah. What a good team.
I'd watch that show.
But like, I just feel like that's dope. Yeah. Cause like, you know, we make completely different tunes, but you know, my appreciation for him is there 100% and like, and recognizing his success as his own is really important because I feel like he gave a lot of juice to a lot of these dudes coming up on that YouTube world. You know what I mean? Like the one fours hitting all these notes that they're hitting now and Hooligan Heffs, all these dudes who are doing great numbers and doing amazing things. It's like, like this is just the next wave, but there's always going to be another one. Yeah. We were the wave once. Yeah. I just hope the boys are getting their money right, holding it down and being smart and, you know, looking at building, you know, their enterprise, building their business. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And we take a break from this interview to give you a heads up on another podcast. If you like Patoota Advocate, if you like Hello Sport, and if you like The Grade Cricketer or you like anything like that, if you like listening to AM broadcasts of cricket and rugby league, then you're going to love this podcast.
Lunch with Lee, short stories over a long lunch. Shane Lee, former Australian cricket sensation, a legend of pajama cricket. Shane Lee sits down with local and international guests who have reached the top of their fields and they share their stories about the heady highs and the dismal lows of life. So grab a cold one, relax and enjoy your weekly lunch with Lee.
Do you think there is a little bit, and we'll start talking about the other work you've done in a second, but do you think there is a little bit of right now, everyone in the actual music industry, we're talking the like red nose suits at the very top, are as aware of this as everyone else is? Yes and no. Like they would have to be aware of these guys pulling a million views in a week or whatever.
Right. So like someone's going to tell them. Yeah. But do they know what it means? Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a whole nother question because like, you know, it's a, it's a buzz at the moment. Everybody's on. Yeah. It reminds me of when it was all popping off back in like the early two thousands. Yeah. You know, for us, it's like everybody was a rapper. Hoods are getting sunset at Splendour. Yeah. And it was all starting to build, you know what I mean? And from the hoods, there was like, you know, all these other... Obese and... Yeah. There was all these other dudes who were coming up and that's just the nature of the game. You know, but like, do the people like, I don't think the people up top really appreciated that until much later. Yeah.
Until they get a sterilized version of that. Who's a white kid who...
Yeah. Drilling. Yeah. Like bro. Like Elvis. Yeah. Elvis or Eminem.
Just wait. You just got to wait for the FIFO driller.
Yeah.
It's Kieran. Kieran one four. Kieran the FIFO driller coming through.
Yeah. But yeah, like, man, I don't feel like the people at the top top, you know, it, it shows in like, in all of our entertainment. Yeah. I just seen a new...
They rarely catch fire though. They rarely catch a fire in their hand.
Yeah. It's always a little bit late. Yeah. But like, let's just look at the entertainment and stuff that we have is like, Paul Hogan. Yeah. He's got a TV show.
Like, you know, no one asked for that. There was a little time warp. I didn't ask for that.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
You know, it's like the old guard in Australia is still very much... Well, they're older now. Yeah. They're, they're, they're even older where it's like, I mean, you could... They just don't die.
You could have the funniest, you could have the funniest, I mean, Paul Hogan was found, I guess the, the yarn is he was found, he was working on the Harbour Bridge. You could have a 23 year old bloke working on the Harbour Bridge right now, but they're not going to look at him this time because they know what they like. You know what I mean? You could, there could be the funniest bloke in Australia right now. The funniest woman in Australia could be working in a Mitre 10 in Logan, but they're not going to get found because they're going with safe bets.
Yeah. And, um... Well, Paul Hogan's still doing it. So why would we get another one? Why, why do we need that, that badger tradie bloke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've already got a Paul Hogan. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like Paul's decided to fly back from Venice Beach, why the hell would we go look for something else? Well, we get the other guy. I don't know, man. It just says a lot. You know, I know Ronnie Chang loves it. Yeah.
Ronnie Chang does run that angle. He does run that angle.
It's like, yeah, it's like tried and true. I mean, he is right in the sense that the ABC would gladly run Monty Python episodes again every night if it meant like, you know, and it probably would get the same numbers on the ABC. Right.
Again and again. Yeah, again and again.
But yeah, there's not much investment in the things coming up, which is what a lot of people have kind of found. And sometimes that talent, you know, they go and get jobs and everyone misses them.
And then suddenly they go to America and it's like, you think you're too good for Australia? No, you didn't think I was good enough.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That definitely does happen. I mean, I'm trying to think of the example who did that. Just, I mean, I guess.
Rebel. Rebel, Iggy, you know, but Iggy was more of an experiment. But Iggy wasn't like, she didn't come through the, she's not a creator. No, no, no. She's a bum.
Yeah. You know what I mean?
Like she, she doesn't, she didn't even write her own stuff.
I mean, Gang of You is an example of that. They went overseas. I went to London just to work with people who could see that they were coming up.
And yeah. Shout out to Dave. Yeah. He's been a guest on here before.
Now tell us, when you were a sweaty, mid-twenties bachelor rolling through- Scumbag. Yeah, rolling through hip hop pubs, not clubs, hip hop pubs in rural New South Wales in Victoria, your mind was in hip hop at that point. You were a rapper for the rest of your life. Was that how it was? Or you kind of saw yourself diversifying? No. Because you certainly looked like you were going to be a rapper for the rest of your life.
100%. Yeah. I would have been knocking long necks back into car park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like really living up to that stereotype. Yeah. You had the chin strap with little goatee. Yeah, yeah. I look like, I look like a complete like terror squad member. Yeah. You do have a joke. Yeah. I look like a complete, like I got the terror squad chin strap in the fan mail. You know what I mean? You're leaning back. Yeah. Working on my lean back. Yeah.
Like, I don't know. When you're that age, like you don't really think too much about the future, I don't think.
Like, well, none of my mates really did. Anyone who's got a five year plan at 20 is lame, you know, in the eyes of everyone. And no one does.
No. Unless you're an investment banker. Yeah. Unless you're born to rule, you know, member of the young libs, you know, I will have pre-selection in West Melbourne by the time I'm 24. Like not many people think like that. No. So like, yeah, I was not thinking too.
I mean, like I'm living check to check and show to show couch and so like I was just operating man and trying to, trying to live, like just trying to like, I was nice on the microphone. I knew that I could rock a show, knew that and I was just trying to ascend to the next rap level.
Yeah. Whatever that was. Did you become a slashy, like a, you know, a diverse talent before or after the AB album? Before it. Yeah. Because like I kind of cut my teeth writing my film clip treatments and... So Bad Apples, you were well and truly a rapper. Yeah. Cause you were doing those video clips. I mean, we all remember the Bad Apples video clip was, and I remember you'd done that like a Western, which was different for, for especially hip hop in Australia at that time. But it makes sense for where I was from. Yeah. Well, yeah.
You're certainly not an urban artist. Not urban at all. I didn't cut my teeth writing scripts until black comedy.
Yeah. Cause I was always like pretty funny. That was one of my good traits. Yeah. And, and... Volatile, aggressive, flaky, unreliable, but, but... Funny. Funny sometimes. Yeah. On my day.
No, but I knew how to, I knew how to put together an idea for stories and stuff. So like, and I guess like being a storyteller for so long, you kind of gather in a knack for it. But also like my heroes wrote movies too, you know, Ice Cube, Ice Tea, you know, all these dudes, like I love movies and I love sketch comedy, like Chappelle, you know what I mean? And I was big into comedy.
I mean, you were also of a golden generation where the kids had Simpsons on every night. Bro. Everyone had that. Had to. And that was like, that wasn't low rent either to have that on prime time television. And that was some of the best writers in the world. You had Conan.
Bro. Groening. The man. Yeah. Josh Weinstein and Bill Oakley. Yeah.
David X. Colin. John Schwartzwalder. All these great minds.
And like, you know, I watched every episode of the Simpsons one time when they first started releasing them on DVD. Yeah. I watched every episode with the director's commentary on it. That's how I learned how the show was ran. That's how I knew who did what, because I was like, how does this show work? It's my favorite show. I'm going to learn. Yeah. And I watched every director's commentary on.
When Twitter came about, I started following the producers and the writers of the Simpsons because I was like, it's Twitter, but who do you follow? Writers. And I was like, following them. And then one followed me back and it was Josh Weinstein.
Yeah. And he was like, like your music. I was like, sick. Is this Josh Weinstein from the Simpsons? And he's like, yeah. I was like, bullshit. I started, I started breathing through my teeth and, and typing back on my iPhone 4. Yeah. But like, that's how it started for me, like my work for Disenchantment. Yeah. Right. And you would have had rappers also. Yeah.
Like when Ice-T. So Ice-T, that came out of nowhere?
Out of nowhere. No one put him onto you? I don't know who put him onto me or how he found it. Yeah, you don't know how that happened.
No, but he posted it and was like, this is that real shit. Yeah, right. Bro, that's, you know, Praise from Caesar, dude. That's one of the goats, man. One of the absolute originals. Ice-T, man. Like one of the godfathers, actual creators and godfathers of gangsta rap.
Yeah, yeah. Like, that's nuts. You can't, you don't get props like that. Nah. And like, he's... And then you get to open for him when he comes here, right? Yeah. And it's like, bro, bananas, you know what I mean? Like, like this dude... He's also SVU. Yeah, bro.
Shit's nasty. Nasty.
Yeah. A motherfucking Ice-T, bitch. What did he say to you when he, when he, when he hit you up to open for him? Because we started following on Twitter and he's like, yeah, I'm trying to come out to Australia with Body Count. Yeah. Rah, rah. It's like, it'd be great. I'd be like, man, I'd love to do that. Like, that's all there was. And then like, my friend who was like the showrunner for it, like, I was like, yo, Ice wants me on or us, you know, AB on for, um, Body Count. He was like, bada bing, bada boom, it's done. Yeah, right.
You know, every night hanging out with Ice-T, it was crazy. Like, you know, we were doing a soundcheck and he came up right to the front barrier while we were doing a soundcheck making trials. I'd never been so like low key intimidated.
So this is Tracy. He's got a coffee. Yeah. This is like, this is like, you know, this is like ice cold Tracy. And man, it was like, yeah, it's like, all right, now we really got to work. And then he like started crip walking to one of the joints and I was like, ah man, look, all right, I'm going to take a seat. Yeah.
So, you know, as you said before, you, you feel like a bit of an old head now. And that's only because the kids coming through now are like 14. But, um, you also, when you diversify yourself across a lot of fields, I mean, a lot of the stuff you're doing is you're just doing stuff, you know, enchantment is not black comedy, you know what I mean? But you've done, you've done black comedy and you've done, you've done the, you know, the, the, the, the black rap album, you've done the AB original album and you kind of find yourself in this world, uh, this from the outside looking in any way where people look at you as almost the, the youth voice that, you know, like you get presented as a, uh, I mean an activist, you know what I mean? A youth activist because like there's old gods everywhere, but predominantly the, uh, probably cause I'm a little bit younger than them.
Yeah.
Probably cause you're a little bit younger than them.
And you know, and there's, uh, men and women in, in that space. There's lawyers, there's people with all kinds of different angles as health professionals.
But I guess you're the media trained artist writer. I think I give a good quote.
But, uh, you know, it was interesting during the black lives matter movement when it really kicked off a couple months back. You published a, uh, you know, uh, a note online in solidarity with the, you know, African American community. And, um, that was probably before it had become global before, you know, that was still when it was very much Minneapolis at that point, there was a lot more to come. We're not definitely not saying that you were the reason for that, but that was kind of shared around a lot. And a lot of people kind of look to you in those moments. How, how do you kind of handle that kind of, uh, that's a bit more than being the rap guy that can offer advice. Yeah. I think because like, I wasn't going to say anything because I felt like a lot of people had already said what I needed, what I thought like, I'd just be like, you know, rehashing and retelling someone else's story. But so like I waited for a little while to really think about it. And I thought to myself, it's like, you know, I've got a lot of good mates from the States, my black friends in the States that, uh, they might appreciate, you know, a message like that just to know that they heard because I think that's like where a lot of the frustration, you know, the violence can erupt from is like when you just feel like you're being ignored. It's like, how long can you be ignored by? So it's like, it's really, I feel like for me as well in those moments, just to know that you are reaching people and the other places are paying attention, it does mean something. But I also wanted to bring it back home for here because it's like it sometimes it feels like Black Lives Matter is an American thing. It's a global brand, you know what I mean? It's like we've had our protests every year for so long.
Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? People haven't not seen them. Yeah, right. We've shut down the city. You know what I mean? In the 80s, you know? Yeah. And so like I wanted to remind people that it's like we have our own homegrown protests. Like don't look at America so shocked when people are dying in custody. Yeah. In Australia.
I posted a black tile, mostly because Chuck D did it. Yeah. Like Chuck D did it. And I was like, I take a lot of cues from Chuck D. He's one of my heroes. He pioneered those moments you were talking about earlier. Yeah. And so like I did it because Chuck D did it.
But the next day, I posted a thing that was like, what are you doing today? You posted your black tile yesterday.
What's your relationship with Indigenous Australia today?
Or is it just a brand exercise for you? Or just a club?
Yeah. Or do you feel like a bit like, oh, better not post this, otherwise everyone's going to think I'm a racist. You know what I mean? More respect not posting one if you don't mean it. 100%. Even if it's not about not meaning it. Yeah.
Even if you don't know where you fit and you don't feel comfortable posting this because maybe you don't feel like you understand enough to stand in solidarity. A lot of people are still figuring this shit out. And sometimes you just have to have a little bit of patience and let them figure this shit out if they're trying.
Yeah. You know what I mean? So there's always this thing of like, I'd rather someone stand back and be like, you know what? This is your moment to talk. I'm just going to stand back here and not post a black tile. You know what I mean?
I reckon one of the best things I've seen out of this is when the Selena Gomez's and Taylor Swift's or whatever were lending their Instagram accounts to activists.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a good moment. Yeah.
That's something that I feel like can shift thoughts. Because look at their audience, right? But you remember 2016, they were talking about the black lives. It was actually written off in mainstream media in America that the black lives matter movement were fringe and they were like radical. Yeah. And over the last couple months, that's now a household word and there's no radical about it. There's just, it's a movement and it's something in the psyche around the world. What's interesting to me though is like, does that resonate here or is black lives matter an American thing? So do Australians recognize it as black lives mattering here, indigenous lives?
Or is this solely about America and George? It's like the difference of like, is this the UK office or the American office?
Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Which brand is it?
Because we've had deaths in custody here. And like, you know, Australia as a collective has a really good way to, you know, history and pattern of being pretty dismissive. Yeah, deflect. Well, you shouldn't have gotten in trouble with the police then, then you wouldn't have died in custody. One of the great headlines that I saw during the black lives matter movement was by hard times, which are like the hard rock kind of newspaper satire in the States. And they posted a photo of the Minneapolis police station burning and the headline was, well, maybe the police station shouldn't have broken the law. Well, that's what I mean. Like, it'd be interesting for me to see like how, you know, I guess that's less cynic in me as well as like how much, well, how much black lives matter do Australians like resonate, like reflect that here or is that an American brand to them?
I think there were a lot of stats that rocked a lot of kind of Joe six packs sitting at home. Like a lot of people were like, you know, those numbers that indigenous activists have been talking about, waving signs about.
Yeah, but now they're on like a little square with a color and it's like, it's really easy to read. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess they're just engaged. But yeah, that's an interesting point.
Is black lives matter American in the eyes of the quiet Australia?
Yeah, and I think like, you know, I also like, you know, one thing around is like I try not to demonize people who are late to the, to the party, you know what I mean? As long as they aren't trying to walk into the party and own the party and be like, this is, this is a rant, you know what I mean?
Like one thing. Here's an acoustic guitar. Check this out. Yeah. You guys like Oasis?
But one thing like for me, I'm not saying everybody has to do this, but myself, I'm trying to be a little bit more patient with people who probably haven't caught up. Because, you know, the education system failed and continues to fail Blackfellas, but also in the same, you know, horrendously, but also at the same time, they fail other students as well by not teaching them the truth.
Yeah. I mean, the Black Lives Matters movement, you'd argue, that's one of the things they're fighting to have. So many Australians just find out the other day that Australia had slavery. That was really, really weird. The prime minister. Yeah. What? Blackbirding? Yeah. And that is all part of it, you know, revisionist history or just, or just, you know, half told history. But speaking of what you're saying here is that, you know, gently kind of bringing this conversation to people, you know, who are trying to learn.
Is AB doing another album?
Yeah. Speaking of gentle. Yeah. I can promise you, like, we definitely are. Yeah. But it's not, like, it's probably not the album for those people. Yeah. That's not so gentle. No. Like, that's not, that's not what we make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, like me and Charles, we can't not work on it. Yeah. We talk to each other all the time, every day. Yeah. We're always working on something. Yeah.
It's like everything that, it's just like everything that we make, or everything that we made over the last couple of years since, it just hadn't been, it was cool for them, but it's like, is this what we want to, Yeah. It's like, nah, not yet. We don't have to adhere to conventions of industry or anything like that. We make what we want when we want. That's how we did the last one.
Yeah. So it'll drop when it's ready to drop. You know what I mean? Like, just because you burn a cop car doesn't mean we're going to make an album. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, hurry up. Come on.
Black Ops Matter's nearly over. But you do have your own stuff coming out. And we started the show with a plug for the book, Our Home, Our Heartbeat. You've got, you actually, as of the weekend, you dropped a new video clip. Yeah, Go To War with Thelma Plum. We dropped the video, and it was dope.
You know what I mean? Like, to be able to talk to the idea of black fathers walking in two different worlds, and the idea of the palatable black and what that is. Australia seems to like us when we are, you know, dancing and oak it up and practicing culture and being true Aboriginals.
Unless it's during a football match. Yeah. Stop it!
He didn't need to do that. I don't think that was necessary.
You know what I mean? Yeah. We had two documentaries to explain that to us. Yeah, two. Like, why that was okay. Yeah, like, you know, the idea that it's like, they like us on buildings, but not in buildings. Yeah. You know, these gigantic portraits and stuff of black fathers around, but like, look at the employment rates. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's great. Gigantic portrait. Sick. Yeah.
Bondi. Bondi Surf Club's got an Aboriginal flag at the front.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean. Lit.
There's no black lifeguards down there.
There is on black comedy, though. That's a good skit. But like, but you know what I mean? Like, the idea of like, they like us on the building, not in the building. Yeah.
I feel like if Australia collectively was able to recognize these stats as racist, because like, racism feels like for a lot of people, like, almost like this mythical energy and name calling and not this real tangible thing, but when, matter of fact, it really is. Like, when you can look, like, the biggest killer of Indigenous Australians isn't the police.
It's the health system. Like, that's where we die. I guess that's not as romantic, you know, and it's a bigger job. Not to say that, you know, it's any less important, because it's horrible, because people have a duty of care to make sure that people survive and make it, you know, through this and make it through these things. Like, that's not. And one thing that helps that, one thing that helps, you know, fix that problem in certain communities is having black doctors.
Yeah. The education reform and all those kinds of things. You know what I mean? Like, it just feels like there's so much to talk to, you know. And that's what I try to do in, like, a lot of my videos and work from Shep Life to now. It's like, how many ways can I, you know, address these issues, you know, even with Life is Incredible, talking about the death, mortality rate, you know what I mean? Like, you know, real barn burning, you know, barrels of laugh stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real hilarious things. It was a good clip. But, you know what I mean, like, that's what the video talks to about the, you know, how exhausting it can be to exist in these two worlds as well. Yeah.
And, you know, kind of asking the audience, it's like, you know, what's your idea of what an Indigenous person is? And they like us when we're dancing and painted up, but you turn your nose up at the bloke on the street because, you know, you're not sure what his connection to his identity and his community and his culture is.
So there's a bigger picture to the video as well, yeah. Well, I mean, you're putting those messages out in a lot of different channels.
I mean, you've got the music, you've got the book, you've got your writing. When are you going to write your, you know, you might even write your own adult fiction sooner or later, young adult fiction.
Thank you for joining us today on The Tutor Advocate radio show. We hope Errol is all right. Give him my best. Will do. And yeah, good luck with the new music to come. Appreciate it. Cheers.
Fight of your life, and for them, it's just another. Never throw shots while you're living with your mother.
That's a mad stress. That's a rad dress. That's collateral. That's a bad mental.
Just focus in, I'm closing in. Whoever's got an issue, bring whoever's got a problem. I'ma fuck them all up with you.
You must be drifted off for that yak. Lifted off for that rap. You must have missed a bit when I bit the bitch and put the salt on my back. Woke her sisterly, and that's fact.
You don't wanna go there. Nope, nope.
You might not come back like you. You and I are not the same.
Say what you want, what you want, what you want. Won't say it to my face.
Yeah, I got the answer anybody wanna call. And I got the right if anybody wanna fall. And I'm going in if anybody wanna war. So don't say a thing if you don't wanna go to war.
Ooh, you thought you were killing it. Pass the torch, you couldn't carry the flame. Never speak my name, that's par for course. You couldn't light a cigarette. Ooh, you thought you was bigger than.
All these doors I'm kicking in. All these doors I'm getting in.
All this nibbling, boring, talking, bickering, singing. Man, I'm done with all this back and forth, back and forth, back to back. We back on tour, back on court, back on court.
And I gave the word if anybody wanna talk, wanna talk. Yeah, I gave the word if anybody wanna talk, wanna talk.
Motherfuckers, man, I'm the nicest. Cross hairs, lock steps, shit that I'm precise with. Yeah, I might trip.
Ooh, who you side with? Ooh, it's the main event. Ooh, you a sidekick.
I do not like you. You and I are not the same. I say what you want, what you want, what you want. Won't say it to my face.
Yeah, I got the answer anybody wanna call. And I got the right if anybody wanna fall. And I'm going in if anybody wanna walk.
So don't say a thing if you don't wanna go to war. |
TheOnion | Report_Nation_s_Wealthy_Cruelly_Deprived_Of_True_Meaning_Of_Christmas | Overburdened with material comforts, America's wealthy can expect another disappointing holiday this year, as Brian Scott tells us the rich will simply be buying too many things to experience the true meaning of Christmas.
All across the country, those at the top of the economic ladder are denied a privilege that the poorest of the poor take for granted.
Rather than fall victim to the rampant consumerism that seems to increase each year, the poor find meaningful joy in simple Christmas traditions, like singing carols to keep warm and hugging relatives who have not yet died. At stores like these, the spiritually bereft must scramble for popular holiday toys in a vain attempt to duplicate the Christmastime happiness that the impoverished enjoy. Poor people are grateful for just a roof over their heads or something to eat.
My wife and I are both lawyers, so that's not enough for us.
I certainly hope poor people don't take what they don't have for granted. Christmas researcher Frederick Lowell says no other time of the year more clearly points out how the middle and upper class are at a disadvantage. Wretchedly poor people are fortunate enough to revel in a Christmas spirit untinkled by material possessions. They're a well-off person and really can't feel this. To help the middle and upper classes through this difficult season, television networks traditionally broadcast stirring movies that feature poor people enjoying Christmas.
Other well-off Americans volunteer for charitable organizations. I do try to spend some time with the poor every year and get a real feel for the true Christmas spirit, but they're very selfish. I just think that the poor should do a lot more for us rich people.
I mean, it's Christmas after all.
For the sake of the millions of materialistic Americans out there, let's hope the poor heed this call. We all wish we were poor this holiday season. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | breaking_the_teacher_s_pet | Good afternoon, and welcome back to the Betuda Advocate radio show. My name is Errol Parker. This afternoon we are going to revisit the podcast we recorded a few weeks ago with Hedley Thomas, the creator behind the Teachers Pet podcast. We're going to revisit this this afternoon because in case you haven't already seen in the news, the subject of the Teachers Pet podcast, Chris Dawson, is set to be extradited from Queensland to New South Wales where he is expected to be charged with the murder of his former wife Lynette Dawson. So without further ado, we've got a pertinent to revisit this podcast in light of recent events. Enjoy! You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Betuda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, here we are with Hedley Thomas, Australian investigative journalist, the researcher and reporter and voice behind the new podcast, Teachers Pet. First Aussie podcast to go number one in the US, 10 million downloads.
Hedley, did you think you were going to get this much of a following behind the story that you've been following? No, I was worried it was going to be a big fail. I wanted to tell the story over you know a number of episodes, but I didn't know how to make a podcast and and when I first wrote the script for it, I think it was pretty ordinary. And then I think just you know people started realizing there was a terrible injustice at the heart of the story and maybe they were interested also in hearing you know behind the scenes what happens when a journo you know gets transfixed in a yarn and starts following it and talks to all sorts of people connected to it and we had some you know really good material, but we had I think the authenticity of members of Lindorfson's family, and you know you could identify with them and their loss and people had lots of questions, and we tried to answer as many as possible on a series that was you know maybe going to be six or eight episodes ended up becoming 14 and yeah, it was 10 million downloads a while back, but I think it's 17 now.
Yeah, so just for the for the nine people in this country who haven't heard it What's The Teacher's Pet about?
Yeah, it revolves around a Mum called Lindorfson who was 33 when she disappeared from her home up at Bayview on Sydney's Northern Beaches and she was a mother of two little girls aged four and two and she was married to Chris Dawson and he's an identical twin. His brother Paul Dawson and Chris played first grade rugby league for the Newtown Jets through the 70s. They were pin-up footballers for Eastern Suburbs before then in Rugby Union and they modeled and they were school teachers and really popular charismatic guys in the high schools on the Northern Beaches.
You know they were heartthrobs and they were also quite predatory with schoolgirls. They had that creepy twins thing going on as well. Yeah. And that was one of the features of this story they were exceptionally close. People who talked to me about Chris and Paul who got to know them pretty well played football with them lived next door to them said look they'd known lots of twins but they'd never known twins like Chris and Paul in terms of the closeness of their relationship and it was that close that they actually enjoyed having sex with a female together, which was exceptionally close. Having sex with someone with your sibling was weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that's just kind of scraping the surface on these guys really isn't it? It's just the more you go into this story yeah, the more you find out and more you realize that they were capable of.
Now, there's so many elements to this story that actually appeal to you know a wider audience and it's quite nostalgic when you think about that puberty blues era you know with the heartthrob teachers that everyone's living on the beach and then there's the rugby league element of you know back in New South Wales Rugby League. Did you find that you know there were a lot of there's a little bit of glory days about these characters? Yeah, absolutely and you know it was a trip down memory lane for a lot of people me included. I'm 51, I went to Gold Coast High School and you know in 1984 I finished year 12.
In 1982, you know, Lynne Dawson suddenly vanished and so for a lot of people being taken back to their school days is really nostalgic and interesting, but it also coincided with you know events that in Australian history were amazing and during the the investigation research phases for the teachers pet and I was putting together one episode in particular which dealt with Lynne Dawson's final seven days before you know, I believe she was murdered in her home at Bayview and you know I was looking for events that were occurring around that time and you know in addition to you know that famous test with the Wendy's you know you also had the Azaria Chamberlain case and I heard that grab again with Lindy Chamberlain saying you know Dingo took my baby and I hadn't heard it for years and I really think that when you hear that and when you haven't heard it for ages, it's one of those those comments those grabs that you know is It can be pretty moving actually Yeah, particularly seeing what ended up happening with that whole thing because I guess that grab when it first came into everyone's you know Peripheral was a bit of a joke and then we saw more and more coming out of that whole thing Do you find that might have been a bit similar with this family the Dawson's? Do you feel like there was a lot of dismissiveness at the start? Yeah, I think it's sort of actually kind of in reverse in that with the Lindy Chamberlain case many Australians rushed to judge and condemn her and I think believe that you know, she was the murderer of her daughter her baby girl and Her appearance and you know her Religiousness and and other things no doubt influenced that whereas I think when Lynn disappeared Chris Dawson Should have been suspected of foul play but He was you know in amongst a lot of his friends. It seems anyway Pitied yeah, you know as if his wife had just run away and left her kids and He had good police mates and they looked after him they played footy with him So he had that he had a completely different look He wasn't he wasn't some spiritual hippie roaming around all the room He was he was just a stand-up ex-league player from the beaches.
Yeah. Well up to a point.
I mean he he was a you know role model for many people but He had been having an affair with one of his students from chroma high school For the previous 14 months leading up to when his wife just suddenly vanished and then when she disappeared He moved that schoolgirl you fetched her from Southwest Rocks where she was having like a schoolies holiday camping trip with friends her own age drove up there and Brought her back and she was living in the house You know sleeping in Lynn's bed within you know, two days of what two corners believe was Lynn's murder. Yeah So you feel do you feel like at the time there were people thinking it's it's a bit funny the way He were people thinking about that were people even talking about him They even know about his relationship with these girls or was that just part of the culture? Yeah, this is the weird thing. So many people have told me that People on the northern beaches that they did suspect wrongdoing and You know former students of chroma high who would you know, he knew mr Dawson is the sports teacher who knew Joanne is his girlfriend. They said that you know, oh well Mrs. Dawson's under the pool.
She was murdered and she's buried under the swimming pool and You know Lynn's friends also suspected wrongdoing but unfortunately The Police didn't pursue, you know obvious kind of Possible possible leads they didn't go and knock on neighbor's doors. They didn't follow up with Lynn's friends, you know at her workplace and Lynn's family Lynn's brother Greg and another brother Phil and sister Pat they lived in other parts of the state and Lynn's mother Helene as she lived down at clovelly and They weren't talking to Lynn's friends on the northern beaches.
So there was an information sharing. I mean these days with Facebook mobile phone. Yeah, you'd know in a heartbeat, you know that there was something up with this but back then You know, we're talking sort of before people even were using mobile phones One would think you've kind of spent your lifetime on this Imagine you spent a lot of time on this. What was it? Like what's it like dealing with the ex-rugby league community from from that era particularly the pre-professional kind of everyone either became a cop or a Teacher, you know Bob owner or a pokey rep Is there a bit of a brotherhood when you when you're dealing with this kind of stuff there? Yeah. Yeah, there is some I I was really lucky in that I had some good Friends who were able to help me, you know get contact numbers for people like Paul Paul Broughton And you know, I played a bit of rugby league not very well, you know on the Gold Coast and my sister Rebecca she ended up becoming chair of the Gold Coast Titans Now is like a co-owner of that team and so she was able to you know, give me a bit of a steer and I talked to people like Maddie John's about the case and and Gordon Talis and they were fast and they were able to sort of, you know suggest different people I might talk to for background and And then a bit of a telegraph within them Yeah, yeah, it was great and and everyone remembers the Dawson twins from the 70s when they you know played for Newtown Yeah, yeah, they're in there, you know, very handy players I'm not a sort of rugby league tragic in that I couldn't tell you Who's who on the ladder and you know how that's all going but you know I guess I bluffed my way through that part of it and I think a lot of people Along the way during the investigations and and the interviews, you know, they saw an opportunity So many years after the fact To solve a case that clearly had troubled them for some time. I haven't heard from anybody throughout this past 10 months Who's said to me? You've really stitched up an innocent man here And there have been so many hundreds and hundreds of phone calls and emails and contacts and Facebook messages from people offering information and I'm not suggesting that that is you know, some sort of black and white barometer of of the righteousness or you know the Likely guilt in my view of Chris Dawson, but I think it's really interesting that he has taught You know, no doubt thousands of teenagers He's played football with hundreds of blokes, you know where they've really had to there's got to be a few people bonding Yeah, yeah, no one has said My that's outrageous.
He would never have done that.
Yeah, not like, you know, so many other crimes. Yeah Yeah kind of happen.
So what have people been saying, you know You've had this this investigation come out. It's been all in the public And people have been writing to you have they been Offering up anything significant to the point where you know, there could be a reopening of the investigation Yeah, they have offered a lot of new information new witnesses Who? Didn't go forward didn't contact police over the years didn't talk to you know, the two corners who ran the inquest in 2001 and 2003, you know, they've come forward with Individually important pieces of evidence one of the more important witnesses to come forward was a woman called Beverly Stana forth and she was at chroma high and she knew Joanne and and She was good friends with Lynn and Chris Dawson because she had been babysitting in their home at Bayview and got to know the girls. Well, and it's really fond of Chris liked him a lot saw him as a good man who you know provided for his family and easy to get along with and that's another thing a lot of the students do say the boundaries between Chris and Paul Dawson and the students were really significantly broken down They wanted to be friends rather than you know, having that kind of position of authority.
Yeah. Yeah, they were cool teachers so Beverly saw what she described as really rough treatment by Chris of Lynn and That was significant because so many other or domestic Domestically. Yeah. Yep.
So, you know rough shoving that made her cry so pushed her into a doorway and another time whipped her with a towel and you know across her back and just in a you know flash of anger and and so she she came forward and she was Crying when she was describing that Because she felt guilty that she hadn't raised it earlier Hadn't pressed it. Although she'd she said she'd contacted Crime Stoppers, but they didn't call her back and She also felt some guilt that she didn't prevent Events, even though she couldn't have she was a teenager, but you know, that was all playing on her mind So she was she was significant There have been a number of others who live me into areas where you know, we've been able to find fresh documentation That was really I think, you know a tipping point in this whole case And one of these key documents was a handwritten statement that Chris wrote to the police in August 1982 seven months after Lynn disappeared and in that statement Chris lies about You know some really fundamental facts. He you know, just sort of airbrushes out of Existence the the fact that he was having an intense sexual relationship with Joanne Curtis and he says that his wife you know was Distressed and they were having problems in their marriage because you know, she was spending a bit of money on her bank card And he you know lies about the fact that he went to Queensland a couple of days before Christmas Ostensibly to start a new life with Joanne. They it didn't work out They turned back and Lynn had disappeared a fortnight later But the omission of those key facts when he's trying to tell police Give them information supposedly that'll help them find Lynn, you know is very bad for his Credibility in the event of a prosecution. It's known as a consciousness of guilt Yeah, he does a prosecutor would argue that he lied Because he knew that if he had told the truth they would take a closer interest In what had happened and possibly Charge him with murder. So that was a document that had not been known to the the DPP after the first two inquests wasn't known to earlier police investigations and he had just threw a bit of luck and design flushed it out of state archives where it had been sitting with an investigation file that the Ombudsman the state Ombudsman had possession of when one of Lynn's friends complained in 985 that the cops weren't taking the case seriously.
Yeah. So has there been any renewed interest from the authorities?
Yeah, there's significant interest the police certainly want to charge crystal Smith murder Yeah, the police hopelessly botched this case through the 80s and I think you don't think there was a conspiracy at all Do you think it was just you think it might have just been the one that slipped through through incompetence? Yeah, I'm I Think it was certainly gross incompetence, but I think given some of the facts of this case And then that the the complaint that one of Lynn's friends put in in writing to the state Ombudsman Accusing the police. I'm not doing their jobs probably and they still didn't do the jobs probably I think that You know, it's possible that it was, you know Sinister that it was more than incompetence but it's really difficult to to prove that because The cops who were directly involved some of them are dead or you know, they've lost their marbles and you know It's really hard to reconstruct that But the police now and you know for many years have wanted to charge Chris Dawson with murder and other Offenses including, you know sexual abuse of yeah, I guess all that stuff is yeah, all that stuff is sitting there as well Yeah But the what's held them back is the office of the DPP the director of public prosecutions has consistently said That there was insufficient evidence to meet their test to charge for murder now There's a stronger brief of evidence.
You know, I think the DPP is probably if they apply all the usual principles likely to Agree that the prosecution should proceed but you know also and but In saying that though now that this is probably one of the most popular Podcasts the year did you think he'd be able to get? Jury that hasn't listened to the podcast Well Yeah, I do. I think that they would just select your as carefully and yeah ask them. Have you listened to the teachers pet? And if you haven't it's available in all the good platforms But no, they would select carefully and yeah and find a juror at jurors who hadn't and then there's also the option of a Judge alone trial. Yeah, and I'm sure there'd be some judges who hadn't listened to it. Yeah and I don't Subscribe or buy the theory that you know Because of a journalistic investigation someone can't get a fair trial You know, I think defense lawyers like to run around and you know trot that argument out Willy-nilly, but usually it doesn't fly and the high court has Consistently ruled that you know a jury that has been properly instructed and certainly In a case of great prominence Deliver justice and be fair just quickly before we kind of move on to you know There's some of the other stuff you've done in your career What is happening with the house, you know who owns it now surely they must know how many people are waiting for them to just To open up their property to them.
Yeah. Yeah, this is a beautiful property In Gilwinger Drive baby, you know, I was only up there the other day Kristin Lynn built the house up there and you know, it's worth two and a half million dollars plus and the current owners have only been there a year and It was going to be their retirement home, so and they've they've got people who have listened to the podcast and have become pretty obsessed with the case like the level of interest from people who never knew Lynn and Chris people, you know who never Been to baby before and now they're doing drive-bys, you know the house and and so the owners I think you know I've been watching this and I've felt a lot of pity for them I've talked to them Yeah, they'll probably see police up there digging on in areas of that property that You know weren't dug properly in the past and that might yield Further evidence. There was a dig in 2000 which recovered a cardigan Lynn's neighbor Julie Andrews said that That was Lynn's favorite pink cardigan and it had multiple Cut marks in it consistent with stabbing According to Bob Gibbs who was the scientific officer on that dig and he told me that that dig Concluded prematurely for budgetary reasons and you know, he said I Hadn't heard this phrase for ages. He said oh we were spewing mate. We were spewing And he said he thought it was possible that they'd missed Lynn Dawson's remains by just a few feet You know just a few thousand dollars probably as well. Yeah. Yeah So, you know crazy stuff like that and I think people hearing the episodes and certainly for me, you know Discovering these things you left shaking your head sometimes that how authorities conduct investigations or don't and I Know there are many fantastic examples of great detective work great policing You know great prosecuting and I don't want to you know generalize but in this case There's just been a litany of failure and disaster incompetence lack of disclosure I mean the you know the current DPP Lloyd Babb, you know Who's been in that job since? 2011 he he was in the football team at Asquith boys college, you know that was coached by Chris and Paul and He didn't think that that was something he needed to disclose to Lynn Dawson's family Yeah, it came out in the podcast and you know, they were just shattered I mean, I couldn't leave it and it's not suggesting that Lloyd Babb has done anything under war.
That's Not where I'm going at all.
Yeah You know disclose that sort of stuff to ensure that People, you know have confidence in the system. Yeah, particularly with that when Lynn's family have been in my view treated so badly You know let down at every turn Yeah, well if you look up and down the charts now on sort of more often than not most of the podcasts Which are up the top are true crime ones and then you've got on Stan and and Netflix and all those ones all The shows that you often see up the top there are Crime related. Mmm. It's almost a renaissance. Yeah That I guess you've timed with as well It's kind of like you've been working on this forever and you've just you're in a climate now Everyone wants to know about these things.
Do you find do you think that's kind of helped the the interest or oh, yeah I first wrote about Lynn Dawson 17 years ago, so it was early 2001 and I was then working as a features writer for the career male in Brisbane and The first inquest was on and I started reading some newspaper articles about You know the evidence coming out in that inquest and I thought it was just fascinating and I'm persuaded the boss to let me fly to Sydney meet the cops who are involved in it and you know interview some members of Lynn's family and Then I read parts of the police brief for most of it and one of the police stations up there on the northern beaches and and I wrote a big piece about it and then You know, I always thought that I would revisit the case one day I kept everything From the case, you know, you know in a carton in the roof of my carport at home in Brisbane and late last year late 2017 when I was keen to do a podcast but didn't really know how you you do a podcast series and I I My father had died and I was looking for some new challenge, you know, he was always a great mentor and and You know kept me grounded and focused and so on the media. No, he was a Military pilot right? Yeah, you know, he sailed and you know, it's quite brilliant But he he he passed away and so this idea I had this idea that I would Revisit the Lindorf's in case and try and reinvestigate it and maybe find new evidence that could solve it because You know, I have to be honest. I didn't Start investigating this case with a completely, you know, a 50-50 view as to whether or not Chris Dawson Might have been innocent I was if I found evidence suggesting that he was innocent that would have been really prominent But I agreed with the two corners Said that he should be prosecuted for murder and I believe that based on the evidence I'd read all those years ago and the contact I've had over the years with Lin's sister Pat Yeah, so when when that idea started to sort of take hold I I was really keen to launch and and get into it and I was really fortunate that Lin's family Remembered me, you know, they'd kept kept the article all those years and trusted me to sort of tell it They didn't know what a podcast was and I didn't know how to make one and that funny little app on my iPhone You know when I wanted to listen to something interesting, I'd Google, you know, BBC history podcast rather than go to the app So it's been a bit of an accidental Success perfect medium for it. Mm-hmm Now can you just tell us you kind of grew up like you said early 80s, you're finishing school down there in the Gold Coast That was a big time for journalists as well In Queensland, you know, you had Moonlight State Yeah, you know in the 80s. Anyway, yeah journalists were doing a lot more work than than police were in Exposing certain kind of elements and there was a government brought down pretty much around the work of journalists Is it with that kind of got into head we inspired it by the Moonlight State kind of stuff that was happening there So Joe Fitzgerald inquiry Yeah, I was And you know, it was a remarkable time I You know, I love a punt and always have so he started going to the races when I was 14 15 made of mine Wanted to be a jockey and so he got an apprenticeship then and they used to help muck out stables And so, you know one thing led to another and when I was still at high school We'd be back in the favorite and then doubling down, you know After jumping the fence at the Gold Coast races and that was Unlawful, you know, we were underage and then you know in Cavill Avenue.
There was an illegal casino and It had free drinks. Yeah, obviously Encouraged gambling.
So, you know, I would be glad mum and dad are around me.
I would be 16 17 and be playing blackjack and Enjoying, you know bourbon and coke for free what shoes on yeah in this dodgy little casino above the gelati bar Cavill Avenue and then I became a copy boy straight out of high school at the Gold Coast bulletin and Chris Masters, I was initially in sport, but then Chris Masters started his work Around the same time as Phil Dickey from the Korean male was doing his work and you know There was this incredible focus on on police corruption Korean I played a big part played a really big part and I was Not at the crew male until mid 1988 But because of those experiences with illegal casinos and and they must have been paying local cops money I'd probably bandwagoned a bit and ended up pissing off all my mates by doing a story on the illegal casino Yeah, look it was a remarkable period and and you know watching police officers at really high rank Go into the witness box roll over Yeah And tell all about you know, the thousands of dollars that they would receive in bribes all the way to The police commissioner, you know who was Sir Terrence Lewis. Yeah, they're all knotted all those fellows And yes one of the great Expressions that sort of stood the test of time because it's been 30 years came out of Terry's mouth And it was used to describe according to Jack Herbert the amounts of money that he would receive so that Jack Oh, it was the bag man. Yeah moving the money around from the yes to the cops. That's right he was responsible for distributing the dough and and the police commissioner of course would receive some of this dough and and Terry you tried to take money and sort of smaller increments but you know regularly going to Jack Herbert and Terry's explanation to Jack Herbert If I remember this correctly Was some little fish a sweet and I just love that little fish a sweet, you know, it's when you're talking about graft and But it was an era of Incredible journalism, you know Chris Masters and and Phil Dickey were brilliant and And I think it must have Left a powerful, you know impression on many journalists myself included, you know wet behind the ears very junior, but keen to emulate those journalists and also when you consider that the corruption not just of the police force but of the government In those years had Occurred when there were really good journalists Working in Queensland, but somehow it had happened I think it made or helped influence journalists such as myself to be more rugged more robust Because you didn't want to have this Legacy again like, you know the protesters were the same the protesters were going harder than anyone else in the country the music was all it was everyone was kind of indirectly kind of Ramped up Yeah, it um, and it almost is like you are almost a bit too good at your job because then they moved you to the UK yeah, I Out of everyone's hair down there in the in the south yeah, I was 22 and it was Mid 89 and the editor of the career mail said, how would you like to go and work in the London bureau?
News limited 22 And I'd never been overseas before Stradbroke Island was about it and Look, I was born in the u.s. I was born in Texas, but I was a child a very small child I came back and so yeah, that was an amazing opportunity and I Thought I must have been you know, pretty special to have got that gig but I was told by a couple of the guys I became mates with in the London Bureau when it was a really big Bureau that You know, I should get a grip that I was actually the cheapest because I had no family to take over No big houses to sort of you know fund a little flat and clapping would do it I didn't have to go business class. They could have strapped me to the wing Yeah Right.
So I'm talking to Michaela Whitbourne Fairfax investigative journalist we're talking about, you know, this shit quite often if for her she finds She's quite ruthless with the stuff. She's been doing she doesn't really think about it affecting Her life that's part of the game If you can get exposed by journalists, then you lose kind of thing That's that was her thinking I think McClellan wants a bit the same Chris masters, I know during all that investigation was you know at risk and there was talk of intercepts of You know underage kids being put in hotel rooms to kind of stitch him up and that kind of stuff Have you ever seen people playing dirty with the stuff you've been chasing? Yeah, yeah, I've I've had you know some nasty threats And I didn't pay much attention to the threats because I always figured that people who threaten went serious the people It was serious.
You wouldn't know about you just Yeah get a bullet. Yeah But then, you know one night we did get the bullets and so yeah, it was you know about 16 years ago On the job in Queensland. Yeah, my well we went on the job. We'd been My wife and I were at home in bed, but I think we just watched late line and gone to bed It was a really windy night blowing a gale outside and I thought that Massive branch had fallen from one of the trees outside onto the carpool roof near our bedroom because I said oh Christ, what was that and we said oh, there's glass all over me and Just trying to compute what was going on So I went outside and the neighbors were outside and and they said the cars just sped off you know, they've been shots fired and and The glass that was over my wife Ruth was The fragments from the hole in the the window above our heads where the bullet had come through and then smashed into the bathroom wall and Another three bullets were fired and one went through, you know, my children's playroom My kids were really young at that time another bullet, you know went into the roof and another one over head somewhere and And suddenly, you know sort of brought it home.
Well, you know Who's done that? Which story did they do it? Yeah, what was that about and we never got the bottom of it in the police They had a task force For some weeks or months and looked into lots of different angles and theories and unfortunately Well, I think there are probably three prime suspects based on the stories I was doing at that time there wasn't sufficient evidence for them to to charge any one person and It went unresolved, but it was a really difficult Period and went on for a while and I think I was probably at a bit of a crossroads afterwards Because I felt like I couldn't know whether it would happen again. Yeah, she's not knowing what it was over That's yeah, not very effective. They're just saying stop working all together. Yeah Jesus you've done a lot of different kind of stuff, you know from from obviously from organized crime to Dr. Patel, hmm was one that you kind of and and come to think of it.
Yeah, we're probably behind That's a lot. I know it was all the news a lot of it.
Certainly got the Walkley for it anyway. Yeah Were you the first to scratch the top on that?
Yeah was here and Dr. Death. Yeah. Yeah, and the nurses called him. Dr. Death.
Yeah, that was a remarkable yarn and you know it had a long tail, but What happened was these nurses in Bundaberg were at their wits end because they tried to complain to you know the doctor bosses and others about the new surgeon in charge at Bundaberg Base Hospital and and they weren't being heard and they felt that the patients were Being significantly harmed and sometimes dying as a result of you know, he's poor judgment poor operation skills and so on and I went up there and Met Tony Hoffman who was the senior nurse at the hospital and she invited some of her other Colleagues over this secret meeting in her house in Bundaberg and it was after work So I said look, I'll bring some food over and I went to this, you know Indian restaurant where dr Patel was one of his favorites and and I ordered that, you know you know half a dozen really good curries and took them over to Tony's house and I was just Flawed, you know while we were sort of eating they were talking about what would what I've been going on And you know, they struck me as incredibly Sincere credible Consistent, you know, they weren't it wasn't personal. It wasn't racist They were just really worried and they were in tears at times of describing what had gone on right towards the end of the night when one of the nurses Made this comment and she said he didn't become a bad surgeon overnight and I was like what he what do you mean? By that, you know and she said well, he's always been a bad surgeon and he must have been a bad surgeon Where he's previously practiced and he was an American surgeon And so I said well does that mean there might be kind of like a record of prior history, you know bad Outcomes mishaps and so on and she said yes, so I went back to the motel just thinking I bet you there's something there I couldn't wait For the next morning to come so I could start, you know Digging into that and I got a flight back to to Brisbane from Bundaberg It's not a long way to drive but got into the office At Bowen Hills and this was in the days when I know it seems ridiculous now But journalists didn't immediately do a Google search in 2005 as soon as they heard something interesting.
Yeah Yeah, like now it's like yeah Yeah, I met a girl in a bar. I'll Google it, you know my phone on the way.
Yeah, so I went If I took my laptop up it wouldn't have Probably didn't have that capability Went back to the office, you know go to the desktop and and started using Google and then I found Dr. Patel's disciplinary history in This US state was in both New York State as well as it was that easy in Oregon It was there was online and this was after he'd been there two years. He'd been hired as a director of surgery He'd got through all the checks and balances. He'd lied his head off about his prior disciplinary history He'd been he'd been prevented from performing surgery in the US. He had a shocking record and He'd got through all the hoops with the Medical Board of Queensland and all the bureaucrats had been telling me and the nurses No, no, this is a witch hunt of a good doctor.
And then suddenly we flush this out and Way it goes and I remember the headline, you know, why didn't they check and we we we? Splashed the paper that that night the next day and I wrote a feature as well It was that simple. It was a yeah, it was a Google search I mean, I would love to say there was this really deep intense six-month investigation But I thought I had to be upfront the right outcome was That he was discovered and I think because people understood that it was a simple Google search That discovered this it the story became more powerful Just tell us quickly He wasn't a phony.
He was just an incredibly shit surgeon.
Yeah.
Look he may have had once good skills Yeah, yeah, but he had fallen foul of authorities in the US Because of the outcomes from his surgery a lot of people had been studying Yeah, he had studied in in India and in the US And he'd been properly qualified as a surgeon He just said it was not a good surgeon and it became worse and the story took me to India. I took me to Portland Oregon where he worked before he came to Australia as well as to New York because there was a Royal Commission style inquiry That the Queensland government set up into it Peter Beatty ordered that and then there was huge amount of evidence of cover-ups in the whole hospital system through through that process and once the lawyers Began interrogating the bureaucrats and and the doctors who had been become part of a system which was delivering outcomes That look good for politicians shiny press releases, but we're not good for Patient care there was you know an ongoing sense of disgust that the system had been allowed to Become captured by politicians who were lying about the waiting lists How long people would really wait for procedures outcomes and the Medical Board of Queensland, which was meant to be this vetting Five years ago was the Tahitian prince Out of the health department Yeah, and you know every now and then you'll find someone on the most wanted turns up in the back of Weeper working in the medical for Queensland Health Did you find people can manipulate bureaucracy? Yeah Well, I think people can certainly manipulate bureaucracy because often be your bureaucracy is Just completely inept. Yeah, and one of the lessons for me is journalists I keep relearning is that you know, you should always assume that the bureaucrats have completely stuff things up Yeah, and don't yeah think that logic Necessarily is the you know driving kind of force in a bureaucracy assume the opposite Usually be kind of vindicated that's Terrible generalization.
It's just been in my experience. Yeah, it happens too many times.
Yeah, right Well, just one thing we should ask you before we all go is there's probably millions of people around the world now Who are wondering what's the next project for the bloke who brought in teachers pet cat society moon? Yeah, look there have been some really good ideas Raised by other people that I think could be compelling. I haven't landed on it yet I want to actually spend quite a bit more time on the teachers pet because I think there's More there and I don't want to get distracted before I tie that one up but I feel like I've been incredibly fortunate in journalism because some of the Really exciting stories that have come my way, you know have made a big difference and have been Fascinating for people and I think that's been one of the great highs of this craft, you know It's just just a blessing just you know The teachers pet came when I was sort of at a bit of a crossroads in terms of working out what I was going to do in journalism or whether I was going to try and do something completely different for a while after My dad passed so wonderful job to have I'm not great It's sort of, you know working in an office and coming in every day at a certain time But I'll put in longer hours.
It's about anyone and they might be at a coffee shop Just as we wrap where a Chris and Paul right now and is that Kind of what piqued your interest because I heard they were up where you're from. Yeah, they they are They're at a very aptly named suburb called Runaway Bay Mm-hmm, which is on the Gold Coast. Yeah Chris usually lives at Coolum on the Sunshine Coast south of Nusa near Clive Palmer's dinosaur Park But lately he's been spending a lot more time near his brother Paul I think that they should be worried the many very serious allegations leveled against them Police will at least be laying charges over the sexual assaults that they're accused of perpetrating But for Chris, you know, the murder would be a really serious Worry, and I believe that it's more likely than not that he would be charged After 36 years, which would be an incredible outcome, but it will give him a chance to Finally quit himself. Yeah, he's innocent as he asserts him He should enjoy, you know under our legal system, you know the benefit of presumption of innocence The problem for him though, is that these two inquests Run by judicial officers who are magistrates have led to him having a presumption of guilt so he's in this really weird place and I think a trial before jurors or if They've all listened to the podcast I think it's really unlikely food they have to pick up on what you guys were saying before, you know Before a judge alone would be a good way to finally end this nightmare for Lynn Dawson's family and friends and for Chris and Paul Dawson's families and friends and for them Well, we look forward to seeing what happens there And then it sounds like you were the perfect person for it because you were just young enough to remember it happening And but not yet old enough to have been part of the system that had already failed to cover it Anyway, so let's just see if the if the new new era of Initial system is a is on to it.
Great. All right. Thanks for coming up to the Queensland desert man It's been it's been an honor to have you up here. Thank you very much for having me. Let's have a beer |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_live_goes_camping_snl | This week in Arts and Crafts, we put googly eyes on pine cones. Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, when the activity was first described to me, I was not into it. And then I got that first eyeball on there, and I was laughing and having a blast.
Franz, are you sleeping? No hands. I was just counting stars. Listen to me now and believe me later. you can count all the stars, Franz. it's like trying to count all your muscles. Yes, you are right. the universe is so vast. I was just thinking, Hans, suppose we were just a tiny speck of a muscle, inside another larger muscle, inside even another larger muscle. it boggles my mind just talking about it.
Okay, then, enough talk. Who not here to talk? we're here to get some rest.
Hans, are you sleeping? No, Franz. I was just thinking, if the universe is never ending, that means if we took our properly pumped up muscles and laid them end to end, still, they would not reach the end. that is hard to comprehend. Hans, would you ever go up in a rocket ship to Mars? No, Franz, because then I would be weightless, and that is my worst nightmare. Yeah, good thinking, Hans. you know, they could never have a weightlifting competition on Mars because even a puny-sized man could lift a man-sized weight. Yeah, in weightlifting competitions in the future, they're going to have to watch that very carefully. Hans, I cannot sleep.
I'm going to get up and have a nice hot cup of protein drink. I think I will join you. So what was that? what was what? that? I don't know, but if I was a wild bear thinking about attacking a certain campsite, I would think twice now and think about it again later. Listen to me now and hear me later, Mr. Bear. if you think that we are easy prey, then take a look at this.
Listen. listen to me now. we can very easily pump. you are. Pump. you are.
Hi, fellas. sorry to scare you guys. it's still in the rounds. it's going to be five bucks for the campsite, but you can pay on the way out. you do not frighten us. you do not scare that easily. No, you are sadly mistaken, my friend. Well, whatever. by the way, the showers are up at the top of the hill there, and the snack bar is closing in about 10 minutes. So if you need. hey, wait a minute. aren't you those two guys in the cable thing, the exercise thing?
Yeah, I am Hans. I am Hans, and we just want to pump. you are. Yeah, that is us, yeah. I thought so.
Well, have a good night. I suppose you want an autograph, huh? No, that's okay. No, don't be too shy about it, Mr. Ranger. you know, we get that stuff all the time. Now, what would I do with an autograph out here? why don't you get it for your girlfriend? No, that's okay.
Well, once again, sorry if I scared you guys. I don't. you did not scare us. No, I didn't fear scare. I was not scared. No, I don't. I'm not scared. don't give yourself so much credit, Mr. Autoshave Ranger Man.
Yeah, Mr. Smoky the Bear Man. You know, if you think you're scaredness, my friend, then you are a dreamer. Yeah, and dreamers are in for a rude awakening. Yeah, you know, maybe we should wake you up by putting a bear trap on your bed and then having it snap your flabby fanny. Yeah, but you would not even feel it. and then we would be stuck with some trapped flab.
Yeah, hear me. that's right. hear me now and believe. Hey, you know, don't be telling us what to do, campers. you know, when you get off yelling at us. Yeah, listen to me now and believe me later.
You know, if we have to come over there, you will be between a rock and a heart place. that's right. in other words, between Hans and Franz. All right, all right, Hans. enough talk. we're not here to talk. we're here to get some rest. Hans, are you asleep? No, Franz.
I was just wondering. what if at the end of the universe there was this big wall of muscle? Yeah, and what would be on the other side of that muscle wall? It just boggles my mind talking about it. me too.
Are you a kid actor with Hollywood dreams? Then get ready because we're now accepting applications at Spotlights. the acting camp for serious kids. at Spotlights, our campers never do silly kid shows. this is real work for real actors. take our film study and you'll be performing oscar winning movies like The Social Network. Mr. Zuckerberg, do I have your attention? you have part of my attention. you have the minimum amount. the rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room is capable of doing. If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you'd have invented Facebook. Hey, did you recognize the girl playing Mark Zuckerberg? Yep, it's 13-year-old Laura Parsons. star of Cruising for a Dog named Bruiser. Our Spotlights actors have gone on to several family movies like Lizzie Jacobson, star of Cruddy Snow Day, who started out on our stages doing a G-rated version of Training Day. it's over, Alonzo. you think it's over?
I'm putting cases in all you Sons of Peaches. I'm the man up in this piece. You ain't ever seen a mother fiddling light of day. who the fiddle you think you're fiddling with? I'm the police. I'm on the poop in here. you just live here. I'ma burn this mother fiddle down.
King Kong ain't got duty on me. children's theaters for old, mediocre actors. Our Spotlights kids have an eye on tomorrow doing dramatic scenes from movies like Forrest Gump. you're okay, Forrest. you're all right.
No, Bubba, no. Hey, Forrest, why did this happen? you got shot. And then Bubba said something I won't ever forget. yeah, I wanna go home. Yeah. Bubba was my best good friend. Bubba was gonna be a shrimp and boat captain. but instead, he died right there in that river in Vietnam.
And that's more. at Spotlights, our campers will learn all the secrets to great acting, like memorize your lines and explore the space, which Tristan masters in our Tv study group during this scene from Breaking Bad. Walt, please, let's admit, you're in danger. Who are you talking to right now? who is it that you think you see? Let me clear you in. I'm not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. I think you're a drug dealer. So get your audition tape together and apply to Spotlights. you'll also learn advanced techniques like how to die beautifully.
What's the matter, Mama? I'm dying, Forrest. I'm dying. Why are you dying, Mama?
It's my time. it's my time. Seth is just a. life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest. you never know what you're gonna get. she had got the cancer and died on a Tuesday. I bought her a new hat with little flowers, and that's all I'm gonna say about that.
Spotlights Acting Camp for serious kids. Get on the road to stardom today. and jump from the tree, that's what you do at camp. skipping tonight's campfire, and instead, coming to our weekly roundup. I'm Cambria, and this is Piper. or as I heard our counselors call us, two loud little turds. Yeah, we're in the Cherokee Bunk this summer because we are 10, and so far it's been great.
The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason. Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving assbutt into a tree. And every time you get reprimanded, you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. yesterday, our bedtime was 2.15. yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked.
Well, now it's time for our first segment, Arts and Crafts. Arts and Crafts. Um, that's Joseph, and he's only six, and he really, he still wears a diaper. This week in Arts and Crafts, we put googly eyes on pine cones. yeah, I mean, I gotta say, when the activity was first described to me, I was not into it, and then I got that first eyeball on there, and I was laughing and having a blast.
Okay, guys, we're having a very special lunch tomorrow. here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann. Peppers! Thank you, Luann. um, Luann, she has a car here, and we don't know where she goes at night.
But last year, she kissed a camper, so this year, she's not allowed to sleep at the camp. this week's guest. he's my older cousin. and he's 14, and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp. Yeah, please welcome Jeremy. please welcome Jeremy. sup, Camera? Little one. hey. sorry if I look cooler than normal. I just tried my first cigarette. it didn't affect me at all, and I ate the whole thing. dang. So, Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you've done recently.
Okay, well, you know that big tree? Yeah. yesterday, I put my butt on it. Oh, so cool. Yeah, and last night, I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis courtnet. whoa! What thing? Then today, I put a pube on the tetherball. it was a pretty big deal, because it was my only one. Wow. I gotta say, you're working with a lot of stuff I've never even heard of.
Okay, now's the part of the show called no Moms, No Dads. No Moms, No Dads. This is where we brag about things that we've done, because there's no moms and no dads here. I haven't eaten a single piece of fruit, and no one's keeping track, so I'm not gonna do it.
I swallowed a bee. it flew into my snaffle and died, and I drank it, because I'm bad. last week, we found a condom in our bunk, and all ten of us tried it on. it didn't fit anybody, but it was fun. trying to enjoy these stories, but I don't have context for any of them. Yeah, okay, now, let's take a moment to remember the campers who've had to go home early this year. campers who had to leave early. Tiffany Waller was seen. she can't poop anywhere but her own house, so her parents had to pick her up because she was full. the counselors found out it was on purpose, because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. he left it in a policeman. Brittany, July. she got her period on a horse and freaked out. because I got to go to the Waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock. I put my butt on that rock. Oh, so cool. great. bye. bye. And he could hear him moaning and dragging the chain up the steps.
Who took my head? And then he came down the hall. who took my head? And then he opened the door and he came into the room. Who took my head?
And then he pulled the covers aside, and he said, look at it! that wasn't scary. Yeah, I mean, you jumped. did not. Yes, it did. did not. did not.
Fellas, please. you're Boy scouts, Okay? All right, now, does anybody else have a ghost story to tell? who hasn't told one yet? oh, I know one. Robert. Okay, all right, and this really happened, okay? My sister's friend, she was babysitting a friend of my folks' house, and there was a call late at night, and the guy on the phone said, go upstairs and check on the children.
Oh, they're dead. Yeah, they're dead.
I've heard it. I heard it. she calls the police, right? And then the cops, they tap the phone line, and then when he calls back, the cops say, get out of the house. he's on the extension. Yeah, I heard it.
Okay. okay. all right, I know another one. I know another one, Okay?
My dad knew this lady once, who was driving home alone late at night, and the car behind her kept flashing the lights. Oh, flashing the lights? yeah, yeah. and it turned out, right? Turned out there was a guy in the back seat with an ax who was trying to kill her with his ax, right? But every time the lights would flash, he would just duck down behind the seat.
I heard it. Okay. all right. Okay.
Mr. Weber, why don't you tell us one? No, I don't know any scary stories. I can't remember any.
Come on. Well, all right, let me think here a minute. All right, yeah. I'll tell you one about the woman who could change herself into different things. All right, tell that one. Well, it was exactly 20 years ago tonight. it was a dark and stormy night, and the wind was howling. Yeah, like that. mm-hmm.
And there was a stranger driving along that little narrow road, you know, that cuts between the Flat Rock and Kanuga River. And right in that gap at the Ridge, he saw a stalled car. And next to that car, he saw a beautiful lady in white.
And I mean beautiful. And I mean white.
And he offered to give her a ride. But what he didn't know is that she was the woman who could change herself. Like how? Well, like one night, she might be a beautiful woman, and then later, if she wanted something, she might change into, you know, a sniveling little snarling little crying little baby just to get what she wants, you know. And then if she got what she wanted, then she'd Maybe she'd just change into an animal. Wow, what kind of an animal? mean. very mean. Oh, is this the story where the hook ends up and the door handle? No, no, no, no. the point is, he was blinded by her. blinded by her beauty, and he fell under her power. Now, it goes on. it gets under the spell of this girl, woman, animal, so much that he married her. And that was when she really changed. I mean, she completely let herself go. she never got out of bed until noon. she quit wearing all those sexy dresses and the fancy underwear that she got to someone. she never took care of her hair. No, no, no, But the topper. the topper was when she quit her job. she said she wanted to be a full-time wife. So what does she do? she won't even allow his best friends into the house. she throws out his favorite furniture and goes out and buys a bunch of junk that he hates.
Now, this is a woman who can't even balance a checkbook. But, boy, could she spend money. Wow. spend money And eat.
She got so fat, she looked like some kind of a sea lion. one time, he just very innocently suggested, honey, why don't you try losing a little weight? And she said, hey, hey, I'm just retaining water. And he said, I'll tell you what you're retaining. you're retaining Twinkies at Old Milwaukee. that's what you're retaining. And she said she didn't have to listen to that kind of stuff. But he said, well, okay, just don't get your butt caught in the door on the way out. And she said, you know what?
I think two and a half years in hell is plenty for me. And that's the day she lost her power to really change. From that day on, she always looked the same. ugly.
And when she and her lawyer got through with him, he was buried in a hole so deep he couldn't breathe. Oh, is this a story about the man who gets buried alive and lives? Yes, yes, yes, that's it. Hell, yes. a story about the man who gets buried alive.
But hey, kids, there's a moral to this, Okay? And that moral is women are no damn good. in fact, why don't we just say that all together, Okay? women are no damn good. one more time. women are no damn good. Excellent. Okay. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 20 minutes to sack time. Okay, fellas, I'll tell you what. we've got 20 minutes, and I want each and every one of you to sit down before you go to bed and write a letter to your Dad. Okay? |
dropout | proof_americans_know_nothing_about_soccer_football | Hi, we're here in Los Angeles today to prove that people will believe anything you say about FIFA's World Cup If you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone Each time a goal is scored this year The ball is filled with fireworks and will actually explode into a celebratory fireworks display Do you think that will make the game more exciting? Some people are concerned about the injuries that it's caused in other games this year Do you think that they should be worried about injuries in the World Cup like that? Well, they get injured right when they're playing the sports anyways I think there are a few burns So this year there's a Legends team of stars from the 70s and 80s who will be playing against other teams in the World Cup Do you think they have a chance even though they're older? Oh yeah, yeah, definitely they have a chance I mean their experience and if they can get out there and run I think they have a chance A lot of people are excited that Pele is coming back to play on the Legends team Do you think a 73-year-old man has a good chance of keeping up with the younger players? If he's in good shape, yeah, but I mean if you actually look at it, 73 years old I mean if you live that long it's really based on like how hard you work One of the fields this year is actually going to have trees on it It's the rainforest field Do you think that will affect different players from other countries? I think it'll be more what comes along with the trees Whether it's like insects or changes in the climate or something That would affect the players more This year Hans Flores, the 9-year-old from Finland, is playing in the World Cup Kenny Chopper, Quasi Spinkle, Tino Horrur Hans Flores, he's a 9-year-old player from Finland playing in the World Cup There's going to be a lot of jealous 9-year-olds out there But hey, if he's got the stuff I mean if he has the skills then all for it, you know, no discrimination Oh no, he's a baby I keep picturing like this little kid just getting stomped on by everyone I shouldn't laugh So all players have the right to carry a gun with them on the field to avoid possible kidnappings that might occur in Brazil Do you think it's wise to have players on the field armed?
No, but I think the refs should Yeah? Yeah, the refs should have guns So this year Russia is requiring their players to wear full track suits so that gay people can't see their bare skin while they play Do you think that that is a bright thing to do? I don't know, I'm not into that stuff I don't know I mean, I got both looking at me all the time Track suits in the hot summer weather Just doesn't go Look in here, there's people walking around with barely anything Victorian area is coming on Yeah, that's right Yeah, it's gone now This year Texas is actually fielding a team for the World Cup If they beat the United States they earn the right to actually secede from the Union What do you think about that? I'm a fellow Texan and I believe it's in our declaration or something We can already secede So this year the Taliban is fielding a team Do you think that they should have a team in the World Cup? Absolutely I think everyone's entitled to play I mean, if we're going to start singling them out for things for everything, then it's never going to be solved, is it? Good point Great, super These are issues that I never knew about I don't think most Americans know about I don't think they do either, that's why we're doing it So New Mexico has a similar arrangement If they beat the United States they could actually rejoin Old Mexico Do you think that'll happen? I don't know, this is very interesting I've never heard this topic This is like gambling It's like very good Yeah, I'd like to see something happen Change is cool Let's roll some dice |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_harpoon_man_saturday_night_live | He was a whaler in Alaska, till bad guys killed his family. now he's in the big city looking for vengeance, and they call him, Harpoon Man. the only dude who wields a big-ass harpoon and knows how to use it. Harpoon Man! Yeah, looking good, Harpoon Man. he's a cool customer with moves that'll make your head spin.
But don't you cross him, he got his name for a reason. And the ladies, oh, the ladies, they know all about him. And don't you judge his premature ejaculation. don't worry, Harpoon Man, it happens to lots of guys. And you don't mind, cause you get all the ladies. he gets the ladies even though they know that he is gay. he's super handsome and everyone has boned his way. I know from experience, because I boned her in Harpoon Man's bed.
And what's up with your face? you look like a six-foot leprechaun with no weiner. Oh, are you getting mad, Harpoon Man? you're never gonna find me. you tripped, watch your step, moron. Harpoon Man never came out and said it, but I'm pretty sure he's a bigot.
I mean, seriously, he's so gay. I heard he breastfed on his daddy's nipples. thank you, thank you.
Gotcha! Hey, man! |
SaturdayNightLive | michael_phelps_gets_endorsement_advice_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bell! this seriously is like the ninth greatest moment of my life. Thanks, Mom. for those of you who don't know, I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person to appear on Nbc's 390 consecutive hours. I'm awake. relax. that's what I said up there. relax. relax, Mom. come on. What? a mother can't be proud of her son? do you have children? And how many of them have gold medals?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. keep going. you're in his own.
Also, I'm very proud to announce that I'm going to be a big part of Nbc's Fall schedule. So don't miss me in the new cop drama, Swim Cop. if you commit a crime and that crime is in the water, you're going to have to deal with me. I've also been getting a lot of endorsement offers, and you don't realize how important it is to choose the right kind of products for your image. excuse me, Mr. Phelps? yes, you have a question? I do. you mentioned endorsements, and I believe that I have the perfect product for the Michael Phelps brand. Well, I don't think now is the best time. it's my first meth lab. it's the only meth lab kit on the market that is specifically marketed to preteens. I already put your face on the box. Wow.
I would not want to endorse something like that. I don't care how much you paid me. paid you? thanks, but no thanks. See, that's a good example of a product I should not endorse. I'm looking for endorsements that make sense for someone like me.
Yeah, it's true. you can't be too careful. what are you doing here? I'm here to give you some advice. nothing is more important than integrity. you've earned your integrity in the Olympic Arena, and I was born with mine. So, we must be vigilant. we just can't throw our face on any second-rate product. we have to save ourselves for the high-end brands. brands like Priceline. but, I mean, the only online way to book flights, hotels, cars, you name it. Are you just here to talk about Priceline? No, no, no. I would never do that. And you know why? I would never do that. Integrity. And Priceline.
Thank you. we have a great show tonight. Mom, are you excited? Yes, yes! And how about you, Mom? Yes! Well, we have a great show tonight. Lil Wayne's here, so stick around. we'll be right back. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_sex_good | Sex is like pizza, all right? When it's good, it's great. And when I'm drunk, I'll pay for it. You know, I believe it was Harold Bloom who defined sexuality as our species' most beautiful expression of human desire. It's things inspired Sonata as an opera. SHUT UP! Yes, master. I deserve that. You know, for a long time I was like, what's this weird skin tube hanging from my waist? Then I had sex and I was like, all right, this thing's pretty cool. Sex is great.
One-night stands are not, okay? Having a one-night stand is like ordering a filet mignon for delivery. I don't care how convenient it is. You ain't getting a good steak and you wasted a decent cut of meat.
I'll never forget when my dad first taught me about the birds and the bees. Who would have guessed birds, bees, fuck so much.
Sexual reproduction is definitely better than asexual reproduction. I'd much rather make love to a woman than undergo parthenogenesis, sounds painful. Yeah, sex is good.
When I fake it, I came. Girls have it way better than guys. The female orgasm is clearly so much better than the male orgasm. Like when I come, it's just like, man, when my girlfriend comes, it's like she's traveling through time. She comes out of it going, the things I saw!
Having sex is like listening to the Beatles. Your parents do it too. And somehow it doesn't make it less cool. It's so beautiful to think about all the people out there having sex right this second. If you listen closely, you can almost hear a woman queef and then get so self-conscious that she can't come. After you've been in a relationship for a while, sex becomes a little bit like jury duty. You have to do it once every seven years or else you're in a lot of trouble.
This is what Bane's mouth really looks like. I was born in the dark! Shut up, Bane.
Put a cock in it. Yeah! Ooh, that feels good, actually. Yeah, sex is pretty good. We should probably ask my twin brother what he thinks, though. Oh, fuck. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_californians_stuart_has_cancer_snl | Next on, the Californians. I'm glad you came over, Devon. why, too? maybe you should get going before Stewart gets home. All right, I'll say you're going to take Candy View Driver to San Pcente and then make a left and go four or five north. from there, just get off them all hauling. Totally like that. Hey, honey. I brought us some tangerines. this guy was selling them on the off-ramp over by the two. Devon? what are you doing here? Stewart, why are you him so early? I skipped Wilshire and took Beverly over to Santa Monica and took that all the way up.
Yeah, I just came over to fix the speakers, the outside speakers on the patio. I think they sound pretty good. how was work?
Hey, think you should get home now, Devon. there's nothing going on, Stewart. See, get home. get back on San Pcente, take it to the tent, then switch over to the four or five north and let it dump you out into Mulholland where you belong. Stewart, at this time of day, it's going to be jammed. Are you crazy? just get out of the tent and get out of here. The Californians. thanks for helping me put away this sun-dried tomatoes on this clove ball. great. I'm going to go get in the jacuzzi.
Mr. Stewart, a doctor is here to see you. Doctor?
Great, great eating here. you know they make house calls. Well, I was in the area, and I thought I'd drop by to talk to you about your test results. I tried to go through to Westwood, but my Gps put me on Beverly Glen, and I didn't want to end up in Encino.
Anyway, I think you should sit down, Stewart. All right, let's sit in these Mexican country-style chairs. yeah, fully.
All right. thanks. So, um. whoa. you have cancer.
Are you serious? yeah, man. don't even worry, because they're a good treatment center in Marina Del Rey. there's lots of street parking, and if not, there's a Coffee Bean across the street that fully validates. I live right by there. that's how I know. all the way on the other side of the tent? it's always Line Beach, Man. Stewart, look at me. you can jell us. I know our shortcut through El Segundo. take the 105 west and exit on Culver. when you see the Zanco Chicken on the left, turn away, take Venice and follow it all the way down. then you're in Marina Del Rey. Cute. How do you know so much about Marina Del Rey? the Californians. Karina, these nachos are incredible. Well, it's your secret.
Tre? Mr. Tre?
Yeah, it's me. what are you eating here? This is supposed to be at the Cheeto Correctional Center in Southern California.
Well, I escaped. I ran down in the on-ramp and hauled ass across the five, and then I hitched a ride on the back of a taco truck down to where, like, the 101 meets the 10, you know? And I told the driver, hey, hang a ride on a harbor and drop me off on Sunset. by Cowenga? that's right by his bungalow. how do you know where he lives? the Californians, right now, on soap Day. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Slow_Witted_Conspiracy_Theorist_Convinced_Government_Behind_NASA | Calling it one of the most brazen cover-ups of the 21st century, dim-witted conspiracy theorist Daniel Burgess told reporters this Monday he had compiled more than ample evidence to finally prove that the U.S. government is responsible for the creation and operation of NASA. The clues are all out there. If we just open our eyes, Skylab, Apollo, the Kepler telescope, the government's behind it all. You really think when NASA went to the moon that they just happened to put a United States flag there? That doesn't just happen. The American government was paying Neil Armstrong. They were paying Buzz Aldrin too. The simple-minded 34-year-old mentioned a provision in the United States federal budget allocating $18.4 billion to NASA and claimed that Barack Obama, George Bush, and every single U.S. president since Dwight Eisenhower had a hand in the agency's operations. Kennedy was in on it too? He was actually one of the main NASA guys. Kennedy knew.
Have you ever even looked at the NASA seal? Oh, take a close look at it. You might notice three letters printed across the bottom. U S A. That's not an accident. They think they're pulling this off right under our noses, but I'm onto them. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | how_breakfast_cereal_mascots_brainwashed_you_after_hours | Now, I don't know which is worse. The fact that they think kids only respond to animals and stealing. Shut up. Or the fact that they're probably right. Dan, I really don't want to talk about it here. What?
Did General Mills do a bunch of studies to demonstrate what kids are going to respond to? And if they did do polls, would I- Ah! They did polls.
I can feel your breath on my wiener. Was anyone concerned that kids are really that- There's a no-talking policy in the restroom. Whoa. There we go. Okay, go. Retarded? I can understand one cereal company recycling the same campaign. But three? Tricks.
Lucky Charms. Golden Crisps. Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles. Golden Crisps. All have mascots that are either stealing food or keeping other people from stealing it. That's more cereals than I knew there were. And the worst part is, it worked. I eat Cocoa Pebbles.
Of course you do. They've had you buy the short hair since you were six. Can't say that to a girl.
Sugar cereals have created this amoral world full of mascots where to see, underhand in this instance, that the head of the other guy is rewarded with dessert for breakfast. It's like the wire, except everyone is Omar. It's a lawless universe. You never see Fred Flintstone chiseling out a police report against Barney. Or the Tricks rabbit losing his innocence in prison. Despite the fact that nothing would make me want Tricks more. And that poor leprechaun spends his entire time hiding his cereal from those thieving children. You don't have to be Lucky Charms.
They wrap him up in a blanket, steal his food, and then make him watch as they eat it. They make him watch!
And the poor, stupid bastard has no legal recourse. Crook and Crook's cop. He is an astoundingly bad cop. That cereal-stealing crook gets out all the goddamn time. Like I wouldn't even want to go to him. Or maybe he knows he can't go to the authorities.
Well, the authorities are our friends. If someone was stealing your crack, would you really go to the cops about it? I don't do crack. And no, I would kill them as a symbol to the others. Okay, maybe not crack.
But I'll bet Little Soren would do quite a bit to get his hands on a big bag of marshmallow mateys. Did you just reference a regional brand of bagged cereal? Cereal comes in bags?
My point is, they know that shit's more than 50% sugar. They know they can't win the Vitamin and Minerals War. So they sling it as drugs instead.
Okay, Tony the Tiger. Way into sports. And super huge. Even for a jungle cat.
Plus his balls are so small, they're invisible. Kids have one bite of a cereal, they're popping off home runs in Little League. I couldn't get it past second base in Little League.
And think if Tony was a roid or he'd mall more children. Sunny and Cocoa Puffs? Anyone so much as mentions the name, and the guy blows roofs off of houses. It's basically just meth and milk. Honey smacks. Unapologetic. It's in the goddamn name.
In the world of sugar cereal, you're either a pusher like Tony, user like Lucky, or strung out junkie like the Trix Rabbit looking for your next fix. Frank and Barry and Count Chocula are the saddest users ever. They spend all their time trying to steal each other's guests and all they really want is someone to eat their cereal with.
Goat milk? Well, do you? Do you have milk? Because I will suck your dicks for milk!
That is the harrowing world of addiction, my friends. I know, I had a thing with Ecto Cooler. I think you're giving the cereal companies too much credit. Accusing them of pushing drugs on kids is too much credit.
They're just too lazy to come up with a new idea. I mean, at this point, they're just testing their teeth to see how much stupidity they can get away with. Kids don't notice because they're idiots. I have a little bit more faith in the next generation.
Just take the names of the cereals. Rice Krispies with a K. Fruit Loops, spelled F-R-O-O-T. Trix with an X. Okay, even the cereal that's supposed to teach you how to spell has a messed up spelling.
They're contributing to a literacy. Worse than that. They treat kids like puppies completely dependent on their senses. Instead of saying, find the box of Fruit Loops on the shelf at the store, they say something like, follow your nose, or listen for the snap, crackle, and pop. Like those sounds even mean anything. Apple Jacks don't even taste like apples. Do you see what we let them get away with? Those kids make Mikey eat all that life because he's stupid to know any better.
To the cereal companies, we're all Mikey. And we like it. Mikey explode after mixing Pop Rocks and Coke.
No, he grew up to do porn. You're both right. No, no, no. That was Ralphie from A Christmas Story. He actually hung himself in the closet with the belt. Oh, you're thinking of Jonathan Brandis. I usually am. |
SaturdayNightLive | lawrence_welk_snl | This is Pbs. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super old rerun of the Lawrence Welk show. Thank you. thank you. Welcome back to the Lawrence Welk show.
Aren't these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere. I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles. let's continue on with our sell it to Spring and what comes with the spring romance here to sing about it is the handsome baritone, Ted Nader's accompanied by the Maharal sisters who came all the way from the finger lakes, they're lakes that look like fingers. I guess I don't travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nader's one nine or two. Do you want to know a secret?
I love this corner. I like potatoes. I like meat. I like standing on the corner of the street. It's my favorite place to be and I'll tell you why. It's because I get to see the pretty passing by.
Hey, where are you going? hey, where are you headed? hey, where you off to to the parlor? Hey, where you going?
Hey there ladies, before you go, there is something that I've died. Tiny tiny question. hope you understand. You tell me what you're looking for in a man. Well, I got hey, look at I use lotion. Thank you ladies for enlightening me. I hope you give me a chance. Well, I certainly can try.
Wow, how's that and how's this? How's this feel? Are you for real? Shall we dance you?
Then there's only one thing to decide. Where will we go on our first day? I like that I can have a picnic. Oh, I hope There's no Am. We can ride by a bicycle built for two.
Thank you, wasn't that wonderful? And by wonderful, I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife, team Dana and Don Stay back, Stay Back singing the popular hymn he Makes All Things Beautiful in his time Now a special word from our sponsors poem on cigarettes Copper Tongue Tanning Butter and Martin Salt. |
cracked | 6_ways_the_food_industry_tricks_you_into_eating_garbage_the_spit_take | Hazelnuts are a lie. You're drinking zombie orange juice. They're hiding paper in your food.
Sounds kind of crazy when I start in the middle like that. Let's actually take it a step back.
In the beginning, there were grapes and olives and they were good. About peanut M&M size, one was salty, one was grapes. They made us less hungry without killing us and told us they weren't poisoned by not tasting like asshole. That was the basic agreement with food. You make us less hungry without poisoning us, maybe add a little something sweet for daddy, and we in return will poop your seeds all over the place in our naturally fertilizing poop. It was a crude arrangement but it worked. We cooked our food in the oil from olives, had our sex while drunk on grapes. Life was good. When it was really good, we hired people to feed us grapes. But eventually we got so good at cultivating these plants that everything went to shit.
Today, grapes are mostly known as the worst flavor of everything. When we become candy millionaires as kids on Halloween, it's the first candy that gets thrown out. Future archaeologists will mark each passing year by the layers of purple jolly ranchers and grape blow pops descending down into the earth like a layer cake from hell.
Grapes didn't change. They're still delicious and we never figured out a better way to make wine. So why does grape flavored everything taste like other fruit flavors mixed with burnt plastic? Because these days, your food and its flavor are usually handled by completely separate industries and the flavor industry's resume mostly consists of covering for smelly dudes by tricking other people into thinking they smell f***able. Olives are still a workhorse. They kill the taste of our most flammable alcoholic drinks and make the best, healthiest cooking oil we know how to make still.
You know how drug dealers taste test cocaine before giving you the briefcase of money? They're paying you for the cocaine?
No. Well, olive oil is so much better than the other oils. They have machines specifically designed to taste test the purity of extra virgin olive oil to make sure nobody's replacing it with cheap bullshit substitute oil. First cheap bullshit substitute oil they test for? Hazelnut oil. Yes, hazelnuts are so cheap, they literally have a bullshit detector to keep people from pretending they were respectable food. Whew! Bullet dodged for the olive oil barons.
Unfortunately, the people who invented that machine are really good at isolating chemical compounds of flavors like hazelnuts and their other interests include tricking you into giving them your money and keeping your money. Those are really their main things. One day those guys were like, hey, you know that mutually beneficial agreement where food tells us to eat it by not tasting like asshole? Well, what if we could hack that feedback loop by adding weird chemicals? And what if, just hear me out here, we could make that guy whose money I want think he was eating delicious, life-sustaining food, but we were really selling him the stuff that tastes like asshole on account if you're not supposed to eat it. You may recognize this attracting your mark with something that only smells sweet as the same tactic used by Venus flytraps. When humans do it to other humans, it's called flavor engineering and they've used it to make hazelnuts taste like chocolate flavor butter and melted vanilla ice cream. It didn't even bother making the hazelnut flavor products taste the same, just as long as it tastes like one of the main ingredients in ice cream sundaes. It isn't nuts.
To see how perfume companies get involved, let's look at the fresh squeezed orange juice in your fridge, which is less fresh than you might think. At some point during the 90s, the orange juice industry decided they were tired of being the second least credible OJ in America. So they started tinkering with the manufacturing process of the one product that commits to the details of the manufacturing process right there in the name. They decided to see if they could store their fresh squeezed juice in giant vacuum seal holding tanks, take it out a year later and trick you into drinking it. But they had a problem. When it came out of the tanks a year later, the year old juice or as it had been known up to that point in history, orange garbage water has no taste.
Millions of years of evolution had provided our faces with a face alarm made out of senses and it was telling you, well, something's not right here. They're trying to feed you zombie orange juice dude, run. This is where the clone guys come in. The OJ people hired the company that formulated CK1 to create a chemical cocktail that would not just override your face alarm, but actually use it against you. The cocktail known as a flavor pack would trick your alarm into telling you, yo, we are nostrils deep and juicy fresh orange over here. Even though you are actually drinking dead flavorless fruit muck with a glorified citrus scented air freshener hidden inside. And that's what they do with a product you only buy if it's 100% pure. Imagine what they put in the food whose ingredients you don't even pay attention to.
Wait, actually, I should just tell them what they do, right? Hey, did you guys catch that joke in the background where I was like, they make everything in the sundae out of hazelnuts except nuts, which they probably made out of cardboard. That was a funny joke, right? Cardboard? I feel like we have fun together. Only it wasn't a joke.
They're replacing the flour and oil in food with cellulose, which is unrefined newspaper. It's cheaper, better at binding food together, and totally indigestible by humans. But what cellulose lacks in technically being food, it more than makes up for in keeping the lumber industry humming. It's either this or offload it through a pant leg in the prison yard. Here's a quick list of all the food you're eating that is at least partially made of indigestible wood pulp.
Even if you love sushi, you've probably never tasted wasabi. If you're from America, that was horseradish, mustard, and green food coloring run through whatever machine makes the foam they stick flowers in. Oh, and while we're interrupting your sushi dinner, that person who keeps repeating, so fresh, only got so fresh between each bite, probably doesn't realize their salmon had to be dyed that color. Salmon color. Most salmon today is raised on a farm and fed something called aquamarine pellets and arrives at the grocery store or restaurant as gray as Anderson Cooper's grandfather's pubes. While we have our fluorescent orange paintbrush out, let's talk crab meat. As this video with an upbeat 80s work safety soundtrack demonstrates, most crab meat starts out as cheap scraps of the type of whitefish they can't sell people with eyes.
From there, it's just a quick trip through seafood hell as it gets pulverized into a lumpy white slurry, frozen, shaved into flakes, ground in a vat, and formed into a rope that's then sliced up. Also, that's how you kill Jason Voorhees to make sure he stays dead. And it's not dissimilar from the process by which they glue the steak you bought at the local grocery store together. That's not one steak. It's something called meat glue.
Because you guys, this time we're going on vacation to space. Americans spent $1.8 trillion on food last year, which is about 10% of the gross domestic product and twice what we spent on gas.
Yet we picture that industry as a bunch of fat businessmen in bolo ties, manipulating the prices and jerking off into piles of money because they totally are doing that. Point is, we give the food industry a pass and we shouldn't. Truth is the food industry is much closer to the tobacco industry back before we knew they were trying to kill us. Can you imagine if the food industry tried some bullshit like this ad for smoking featuring their greatest athlete?
Oh, right.
See, it's their job to make food seem more complicated than it actually is. We're bombarded with fad diets and health foods that taste like cardboard and delicious foods that are made of cardboard. When someone tells you that people who eat Mediterranean diets live longer, you're too exhausted to research what Mediterranean people eat.
I mean, who the f*** knows, right? And that's actually exactly how they want it. And a small comment, B1 CEO BG2 will pass by tonight coming close to Earth in the moon's orbit. Okay team, gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have? If you phrase it differently than that, then yes. If you want to smoke, go behind the electro nuclear plant next door. I feel like if I'm nice, they walk all over me, yeah, yeah. All right, assholes, listen up. We just got superpowers. Me too, for sure. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_judy_grimes_saturday_night_live | This year, the American Transit Association expects airline fares during the Thanksgiving holidays to go up by 10%. Here to tell us how we can still find a last-minute holiday bargain is Weekend Update's Travel guru, Judy Grimes.
Thanks, Emma. I'm really happy to be here.
Just kidding. great. Well, Judy. Ahh! Judy, I'm sorry. did I surprise you? Yes. just kidding. I knew you were there. Just kidding. I didn't. Just kidding. I did. but I knew you were gonna wear that. Just kidding. I did. And you're dressing room for a little bit. Just kidding.
I only put one foot in and one foot out. Just kidding. do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around. Just kidding. don't turn around. you might fall down.
Judy, I got to say, you seem really nervous. You know, you wrote me a very eloquent e-mail asking me if you could come back here. that's right. I did. Just kidding. No, no. not kidding. you did. And you said you'd gotten over your nerves. you've gotten them under control.
I mean, are they? Okay. well, I thought they were, but maybe they're not.
Just kidding. I knew they weren't the whole time. Just kidding. it wasn't the whole time. it was half the time. Just kidding. it was half and half the time. Just kidding. it wasn't half and half.
I can't have dairy.
Just kidding. I can, but only a little bit. Just kidding. I drink melted cheese all day long. Just kidding. it's only from 7 to 9 p.m. Just kidding. I can't eat melted cheese. it's too hot. Just kidding.
I can't. I just wait for it to cool.
Just kidding. speaking of cool, what's up with Fonzie? I mean, is he around or what? Just kidding. But I really want to know. who's the next Fonzie? Just kidding. I know. it's Shia Labeouf. Just kidding.
Judy. I don't. just. I don't even know what you're talking about, Judy. I mean, it's fine if you're a little nervous. you just, you know, just have to take a deep breath. Just kidding. All right. How about this, Judy?
I'm going to ask you a question about travel. all you have to do is say yes or no, Okay? you can do this. Here we go. is it worth it to purchase travel insurance when you buy your tickets online? I think I would have to say no, because only 4% of flights get cancelled and not rescheduled immediately.
See, that's great. you just did it.
Just kidding. it's not 4%. it's 80%. Just kidding. it's like 2%. like, no, no, no. I'm talking about dairy again. Just kidding. I'm not just kidding. I'm just kidding.
I have an obsession with cows. Just kidding. cows. I'm just sitting with me. Just kidding. every time I go by a farm, cows are like, we're obsessed with you.
Just kidding. they're like, move. just kidding. like, get out of here. you stink. Just kidding. I'm just like, you stink. you walk around in your poop all day. and they're like, oh, it's not my choice. Just kidding. I know it's not your choice. that's my choice.
Just kidding. just kidding. it's American vegetable. it better be. Just kidding. it's Australian vegetable. I'm a carrot.
Just kidding. I'm Australian. Just kidding. I am. I was born in Melbourne. Just kidding. I was born in Harrisburg in a huge hospital. Just kidding. I was born in a small wagon. Just kidding. it was an average size. just a normal place to be born. Just kidding. I don't remember anything from that day because I was a newborn. Just kidding. I was an old born. Just kidding.
I was Jason born. those movies are based on my life.
Just kidding. they're not. Just kidding. they are. hey, look over there. just kidding. what I'm talking about is over there. Just kidding. look down there because no one has in a while. Just kidding.
He said, clean bill of Health. just kidding. He said, clean it up.
And I said, what? just kidding. And I said, i'm not surprised. just kidding. I was surprised. no one like this. Just kidding. that's my impression of Vipolly Pelkin in home alone. Just kidding. this is my impression of him.
I can't believe everyone left me.
Oh no. what does Joe Pesci want? Just kidding. I know what he wants. he wants what everybody wants. more 3d movies. put on your glasses, everybody.
Whoa. Just kidding. this is Not for me. just kidding. It is. whoa.
I feel like I'm there. Just kidding. I don't know where I am. just kidding. But I do know where I want to be.
Judy. you did a great job that I have to stop you. are you kidding? no. why would I be kidding? you just talked for like a full five minutes. Sorry.
I'll come back next week. same time, same place? No. different time, different place? fine. okay. I'll be there.
Just kidding. I won't show up. Just kidding. I'll show down. Just kidding. I'll show you.
Judy Barnes, Everyone. |
TheOnion | White_House_Announces_Everything_Great_In_Iraf | With relations with Iran and Iraq so bad, the Americans were pleased last week when President Bush announced that relations with Iraq are better than ever. Freedom rings throughout the land due to our recent invasion in that country. This is really a time we have to credit the administration for coming forward with this story. Well, they told us, they said, look, there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We're going to go in there, take them out of Iraq. I just counted it at the time. I thought it was smoke and mirrors, but what do you know about it? We just have to call this the Iraqi miracle.
Why hasn't the media been focusing more on this positive story? With this Iraqi situation, a lot of the media didn't get right on it.
As we speak, those streets are being rebuilt. There's a national healthcare system. Public fountains.
There's one hour allotted every day to either fudge ice cream or volleyball. We had the first Iraqi Gay Pride Parade. Let's be honest here.
Death sells. I mean, the more interesting story is the war, the destruction. What's happened in the past?
Let's move forward into Iraq's future. We have to walk a fine line here because we don't want to set up Iraq as such a success story that the other nations in the area will want us to liberate them and then have us go in there. We can't afford it. It's actually led to other problems because the majority of Americans say that they want the troops to come home, but the White House reports that the troops in Iraq are having so much fun, they don't want to come home. They have more water parks now than they ever did in Iraq. Who's going to want to leave that? So how are we going to solve this? It's ironic because the White House has created a perfect situation that is a problem. We have to remember that liberating a country is fun, but the troops are needed elsewhere, like Marfur. |
SaturdayNightLive | megan_thee_stallion_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Megan Thee Stallion! thank you very much. I can't tell y'all how excited I am to be here. you know me as Megan Thee Stallion, but if you know me, then you know I go by more than one name. let's see, we got Tina Snow, the hot girl coach, the H. John Hottie, and if you are one of my many, many haters, I'm probably, ugh, that bitch. But that's okay, because even my haters aren't entirely wrong, because I am simply that bitch. everyone is used to seeing me twerk, do hoodrest stuff for my hoodrat friends, and flat out being one of them. For me, that means the I. For example, I'm a really good actress. like, I don't want to toot my own horn or nothing, but I think I do a pretty good British accent. All right, check this out. put me in Bridgerton, bitch. the story last year from Texas Southern University in my career is not easy, and I did that while putting out song after song and going on a world tour. So now I can go by another name, making a bitch that needs some sleep.
I got my degree in Health Administration because I have always wanted to help the people in my community. I believe that it is important to have a sharp mind and a sharp body, yada, yada, yada, yada. that's why I launched my website that provides access to resources for those who are struggling with their mental health.
Badbitcheshavebaddads2.com. That's a real website. it's supposed to be called Hot Girl Doll It. you know who you are.
But look, before the show starts, it's something I really been wanting to say. I've had some wins and I've had some losses, and I always get more wins, But I do pride myself on being an open book. So with that being said, I would like to address a certain incident that I'm sure is on everybody's mind.
No. I don't know why Papa took the hottie sauce off the menu. Seriously, I really do want to thank my fans, aka the hotties. y'all mean the world to me. without y'all, it would be. |
SaturdayNightLive | story_snl | Anyway, his name is Adnan Syed and the podcast is like about whether he did it or not. Wow, okay, that is insanely cool. And Bradford Cady was saying this is your first time in New York? yeah, yeah, it's been really awesome. the city's like really interesting. yeah, you know, just trying to show my favorite cousin what the Big Apple's all about. hey guys, sorry I'm late. Oh Brian! Brian, this is my cousin Bradford. yo, nice to meet you. guys, I had the craziest morning. oh my God, oh my God, what? Tell us. Brian's our college friend. he has like the best stories. Okay, that's amazing.
Okay, bear with me. so I'm having coffee with my boss, Anthony. Oh, wow. okay. right, I mean, we do that a lot, but yeah, we're at this French spot by the office. Oh, here we go. French? great. yeah, just a cool little cafe we go to every couple weeks. right. anyway, the waiter comes up to us and he's like, hey, we made this extra cheese crepe. you guys want it? Oh, no. I think I see where this is going. this is, please, please, please. sorry, just let me, I'm just gonna finish the story real quick. yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. uh, we accept the crepe. why not? I put my fork in. I got like a mental picture right now. this is amazing. turns out it's triple chocolate. keep in mind, it's 11 a.m. Oh my god, because I thought it was later. no. yeah, I'm like, dude said it was cheese. what's going on here? it's the French waiter. he was like, hi, I'm dope or something. what? no, I'm getting to it. very right. by the way, so New York. yeah, yeah. anyway, I look over who's sitting at the bar with a slight grin on his face. the French waiter.
No. Obama? What? no. Okay, wait, wait. don't tell me it was Frank. it was Frank. Oh my God, Frank.
Okay, that is hilarious. Frank? wait, who's Frank? he's just our friend. he's a bit of a prankster. Wow. I've never heard anything like that. Yeah, it's kind of funny, right? Anyway, how are you guys? how was Mexico? Oh my God, it was so fun. So then what happened? what do you mean? did your boss just wig out? he's like knocking over the table. like, ah, everyone's fired. nope. it's pretty much the end of the story, man.
Oh. but the French waiter was high on dope, right? What? high on dope?
No, no. everything was normal. look, it was just a dumb story. can we talk about something else? Oh, sorry.
I thought the French waiter was high on dope the whole time. Still amazing. the place was French. not the waiter. I never said the waiter was French. Oh. sorry. it's fine. anyway, you said Mexico was good? yeah, so good. turns out yoga retreats are relaxing. who knew? didn't mean to call the waiter French. not bad. sorry again. all good, dude. let's just drop it. we're moving on.
Well, Bradford had a great time at the Mat. it was so cool, right? I really did love the story, man. thanks. I appreciate that.
What was the name of the crazy boss again? Was it Anderson? it was Anthony. But we don't need to talk about it anymore, really. Anthony. it's just like the perfect name for it. really sorry if I screwed up the story.
Bradford. it's fine. no. it's actually not. Brian, your story was amazing. it had great characters. and the part where the crepe isn't cheese was unbelievable. And then I messed the whole thing up. I don't deserve to be your friend.
Dude, we just met. honestly, it's fine. no, it's not. lunch is on me. and I want to pay your rent for the rest of the year, too. What? that's super generous, man. Here's a check for $1,000. that ought to do it. that's not even enough for one month's rent. Okay. didn't know. Well, see ya. Kitchen! |
cracked | 3_weirdly_specific_things_that_happen_in_every_movie_trailer_writer_s_room | You guys see a trailer for the new Star Trek movie? Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. It's got that inception, wow. Every movie has that now in the trailer though. Right. It's not just Star Trek. Every single movie. It is, yeah. It's one of those things that 20 years from now, our kids will know when they see a trailer. Oh, that came from 2007 towards 2015 or whatever, this portion of time when every movie had that wah sound, they're going to just date the movie immediately.
Because everyone loved Inception. What if we just make them think that this is also a thing they love, even though they haven't seen it. Like, I really liked Inception. And then Prometheus trailer, wah. And my body's like, we love that noise, so we're going to love this movie too.
That moment where the guy goes, you don't get it. This guy's good. Yeah. We find out, oh no, your men are already dead. We get this guy on the fucking space prison to save the president's daughter. Yeah.
He's the only human. He's the only one who can do that. Nobody can do it. There's one guy. Okay. Look, I don't know how things work in the army, Mr. President, but this guy's really good. If he fails, we're all dead.
I was giving away so much of the plot already in the middle of the movie. You already know who the main character is. You know where they're going. You get the entire narrative of the movie in the trailer, and it's not like old trailers. Like the Maltese Falcon or something like that. They just tell you the actors and the type of person who's like, and this is your femme for town. Peter Laurie being creepy, whether they do the thing, we'll find out, and they don't want to tell you anything. They do the thing, though. There's usually some voiceover right there at the end where you get the thesis of the entire movie.
Mr. Wayne. He's the Batman.
Yeah. The thesis of Batman. Sure. That was it? I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Mr. Wayne, Mr. Batman. Yeah. Same guy. Yeah.
With all superhero movies now have that like, I'm a superhero and I'm in my costume and I'm standing on a really tall bridge or building, looking out across the city, which is useless to most. Like if you're a Superman, you're like, I'm looking for crime. And then you can swoop down and get the crime.
But if you're Batman, you're not, you're just, I look so cool. This is only because I look cool right now. If there's a helicopter behind me, I hope it's got an IMAX window because I really play an IMAX. You're really that cool. I am. You really get the full experience.
The guys who can't swoop down, Spider-Man could potentially swoop down, but he's not going to see anything from 150 stories up. It's just city. Batman's on top of this building and Dark Knight Rise is looking out at his city.
What if he even sees crime? He's going to be like, ugh, crime.
Oh, no. Get down there and get it. Get back in here. Oh, I had dropped the door open, but the thing fell out, so now I'm stuck here. Alfred, I'm stuck.
There's a crime everywhere. Where's the game? Stop that crime down there.
Hey there. Thank you for supporting Cracked. If you'd like to subscribe, you can do that at any time. I know that you're a big fan of Stormerotica, which I've done before. Unfortunately, I'm out, but I thought maybe I could just come up with some on the fly.
Parker took off his pants, and the girl that was with him was like, yeah, that's a dick. And he was like, I know. And then they were going to have sex, and he was like, but I'm also, I'm a horse.
No, he's not a horse. That's bad. He's a human. He's like a human that can like, he has like wolf-like powers, like the kid from abandoned, abducted. |
cracked | the_horrifying_deleted_timeline_from_back_to_the_future | What happens to the other Marty, the new guy? Lunch was over an hour ago. No, because Marty, the new Marty gets into the DeLorean and goes off somewhere. I never noticed that. When does he go? The length of your lunch break is not dependent on what you choose to watch during your lunch break. Bear with me. Marty McFly changes the timeline in the first like 80% of the movie, right?
His parents are suddenly rich, his siblings are better. And I'm expected to believe that he winds up exactly the same after all that tinkering. I mean Biff the Rapist is different, but Marty somehow is still the kind of kid who would trust and befriend some like lunatic time scientist. The guy who's suddenly rich and tools around in some truck that eats other trucks.
I call bad sports call on that. Foul? You cry foul? Whichever, take cards.
So new Marty was a little different than the original, but he still could have met Doc in real life. In fact, new Doc probably found new Marty himself. He knew that original Marty would return, and he also knew that if original Marty met himself, it could destroy the space-time continuum.
When destroyed the entire universe! So he made it work out by, you know, doing some stuff. So when Doc sends new Marty some when, it's really just to get him out of the present because otherwise the universe is doomed. Right. And he probably didn't send him to the 50s because there's too many Marty's there. 50s is lousy with Marty's. It's a huge risk. He wouldn't send him to the future because original Marty, we assume, is there living his life. If he was smart, he would send him through time with no people at all. We're talking about the destruction of the universe here. The paradox must be avoided no matter what.
He killed him. That kooky, fright-wig-wearing bastard killed Marty and destroyed the DeLorean. Great Scott! Original Doc dies so new Doc can live. Original Marty lives, so new Marty must die. So Doc, what, like, tricks new Marty into the DeLorean and then sends him billions of years in the past to drown in lava? That's kind of a heavy deleted scene.
It couldn't be a trick because the new Libyan shooting is exactly like the old one. Which makes sense for the Libyans because they weren't significantly altered by the events of the first movie.
But new Marty, with new experiences and relatives, just happens to repeat the moment the exact same way? Come on. Doc must have told him. I mean, we saw him watch that tape over and over and over again. He knows exactly how it happened. So we must have trained new Marty, coached him into recreating that moment. So new Marty, new Marty was coming back. He willingly time-jumped to his death?
Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
So Doc finds this new version of his old friend Marty. He befriends him. He gains his trust.
He explains to him that he has to die in order to save the space-time continuum. So this is what we're doing now? We're developing Back to the Future fan fiction.
Yeah! Yes!
But Doc explains all this stuff to him. And new Marty freaks out. So Doc has to hog time and put him to DeLorean. And act two is all about him showing him in the future, like Jennifer and your family are all better off without you. You should be dead. And by the end of the movie, new Marty has this change of heart and agrees. So he saves the space-time continuum by destroying the DeLorean and sacrificing himself. Because Marty is a...
No!
Hi there. I've asked you to subscribe before, and you have subscribed. And in honor of that, I want to now give you a gift. I want to read you some of my erotica.
Raul took off his shirt in the stables. His chest was banging. She looked at it and said, Raul, your chest is banging. Next, he went for his pants. It was the button-down kind, not the fly.
So it took a little longer than normal. She sat and waited. Nay, said the horse. |
cracked | how_napoleon_dynamite_ruined_pedro_s_life | Napoleon Dynamite took everyone by storm. A bizarre movie with a small budget and no famous people seemingly came out of nowhere and captured America's hearts. It seemed all involved in the film would be destined for greatness, but sadly that wasn't the case for everyone.
Hey, is that a new kid or something? Napoleon, this is Pedro. Despite having exhortations to vote for his character plastered on every Chotky at the mall circa 2006, Efren Ramirez, the actor behind Pedro in the quirky classic, didn't exactly go on to huge things after becoming instantly recognizable worldwide. He's popped up here and there without making a huge impression, and you probably didn't know his name until I said it just now. But his fame was sufficient enough to cause his life to become a drama-filled mess. You see, Efren has an identical twin named Carlos, and reports suggest the latter may lack the sweet-natured, well-intentioned soul of Pedro. Striking while Efren's fame was blazingly, uh, warm, Carlos began posing as his brother at public appearances.
What the heck are you guys doing? Trying to ruin my life and make me look like a friggin' idiot?
He claims that he only did so at the request of Efren, who was too busy to make it to every social engagement that his agent lined up for him. We won't know if that's true or not, as Efren has gone on record to say he wants to keep what's between him and Carlos between him and Carlos. So it's a case of he said he said made doubly complicated when both he's are identical. Carlos did admit, however, at least one breach of fraternal etiquette. I did attend an event without his knowledge as I was being immature and wanted to get back at him for a personal matter which involved the girl I was dating at the time. He didn't elaborate on that, presumably hoping a studio buys the rights to the full story. What suggests that Carlos' hijinks weren't all that innocent, after all, is the fact that Efren threatened to sue him and slapped him with a cease-and-desist order so that unsuspecting attendees of boat shows would no longer be tricked into worshipping a false Pedro. After all of that, Carlos remained upbeat about the possibility of reconciling with his estranged brother. Quote, I would love to talk to Efren, and maybe even work together in the future.
I think it's safe to say the magnitude of Napoleon Dynamite, and everything that has come along with it, has ruined my relationship with my twin. End quote. In other words, it's the movie's fault, and he learned exactly Buffkis. That sexy movie hadn't come along?
Boy, I'd never have done any of those crimes. Nice defense, Carlos.
If you want to get notifications every time we have more videos, I did it. |
cracked | the_story_of_the_lil_sheriff_cracked_saturday_morning_cartoons | you know we got a new sheriff in town oh yeah yeah people around here have been calling him the little sheriff there he is now clink clink hey little sheriff what are you gonna do about big bandit big bandit is the reason we got such a high lawman turnover around here the same thing happens every time big bandit challenges them to a duel the sheriff loses big bandit kills them and then we get a new sheriff remember the last sheriff that big bandit challenged to a duel it was on wrestling at high noon big bandit won like he always does and then he tied each of the sheriff's limbs to a horse and had them all run in separate directions and the horses ripped him apart and then he took each severed hand and foot and tied each finger and toe to a new set of smaller horses and those ripped him apart again yeah but remember the sheriff before that big bandit challenged him to slack jaw after recess and you know that game you play in class where both players stare at each other with their mouths hung open and the first one to crack a smile loses the poor sheriff just couldn't keep it together yeah damn it and then big bandit grabbed him by the jaw and hoisted it up the flagpole he never lost a game of slack jaw again I'll tell you that much yeah but remember the sheriff before that big bandit said Fox only no items final destination at dawn but the sheriff hadn't played melee in like a really long time and he forgot that the current buffered input system wasn't implemented until brawl and it threw off his muscle memory when he was getting tilted so then he lost and then big bandit took a huge-ass bread knife and saw the sheriff in half like he was a hero role and then big bandit scooped out everything inside and put it on a grill and chopped it all up with like onions and bell peppers and then he chopped it off with melted cheese and lettuce and tomato and pickled jalapeno and like some kind of sauce it might have just been like ketchup I don't know but dude it was so bomb it was really good it was so good I was so wasted walking back from the saloon that night and I was so hungover when I woke up I didn't even remember putting the rest of the sandwich in the fridge but I was so happy that I did I just sat on the kitchen floor eating it cold and it was still so good God Jesus oh hey big band it's here I heard there's a new lawman in town clink what are you gonna do little sheriff clink clink bang hey that little sheriff just killed big bandit week dude yeah WTF I really wanted to eat that little sheriff |
TheOnion | Vengeance_Minded_Glacier_Just_Biding_Time_Until_Next_Ice_Age | A vengeance-minded glacier is just biding its time until the next ice age. Iran releases 200,000 more jailed American tourists as a gesture of further goodwill. And a father who messed up his visitation schedule consumes an entire Dora the Explorer birthday cake. You are about to witness a project seven days and $30 million in the making. This is The Onion Week in Review.
Tensions in Washington D.C. reached a new high yesterday as several dozen members of Congress took a class of visiting school children hostage, barricaded themselves inside the Capitol Rotunda, and demanded $12 trillion in cash. The children were rounded up at gunpoint at 10.02 a.m. local time, whereupon House Speaker John Boehner informed negotiators that one child would die every hour unless their demands were met. Here now, a brief video one of the students was able to send out from inside the Capitol. President Obama is asking all Americans to pray for the children's safety as there is no telling what this Congress might do.
Historians across the country politely reminded Americans this week to quickly check and see what has happened in the past before making any big decisions. Just take any book with history in it and then quickly skim through it to see what decisions in the past turned out to be bad. And then once you've pinpointed them, simply don't make those same decisions again. Because if a bad thing happened again, you see, that would be very bad indeed, wouldn't it? Many Americans have so far been impressed by the concept of looking at things that happened a long time ago to see how things might happen in the future, saying they wished somebody had told them about this trick sooner.
Joe Biden asked a visiting ambassador Monday if he wanted to check out the White House roof, calling it, quote, pretty fucking cool up there. Cracking open a Coors Tallboy, the vice president boasted about the roof's view of Washington, D.C., and detailed the array of seating options, skin mags and fireworks he's been able to stash away up there. As a final plea, Biden explained that he brought Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi up there before, along with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a roof visit Biden described as, quote, pretty hot and heavy. In sports during last week's Sunday Night Football broadcast, Al Michaels asked Chris Collinsworth if they could talk about something other than football. In other news, Burger King introduces a new menu option of healthy, deep-steamed French fries, the expiration of her contract allows Fergie to put on pants for the first time in five years, and the nation's pediatricians officially announced that the 2011 newborns are the ugliest babies in 30 years. The news you've just seen may not be re-reported without the express written consent of T. Herman Zwiebel. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
dropout | the_cast_dishes_on_bad_internet_behind_the_scenes | What can I say about Zach? He's a really funny drunk. Like a really good-natured drunk. When I see him and he's too drunk, it makes me still want to drink, even though I know he's too drunk. Yeah. Most other people, if I see them drunk, I'm like, oh, I don't want to get like that. But then Zach's such a chill, cool drunk that I'm like, yeah, bring it on. Yeah. Bring on the whiskey. He gets really southern when he's drunk.
I came up in New York watching Emily perform, do improv, and she's so funny. And then I came out here and I started working with her. I didn't work with her much. But any time I do, I'd say, oh, she's not that funny. I feel like this question is going to be like, I feel like Emily said something crazy in her interview. Yeah, yeah. But Emily, who I've worked with for a couple years, doing sketch here, is now working on her own pilot, and she is wonderful and hilarious in her episode.
I was joking before. Emily's very funny. And I was joking before.
She's truly a monster. Mike Trapp is the work. No, Mike is the...
It's like I'm... I feel like such an idiot trying to describe him. He's like the smartest writer I know. Yeah, he's really clever. It really annoys me because I'm supposed to be the clever one, but he's much cleverer than me.
Don't tell him I said that. I don't think anyone was like Siobhan's the clever one. Shut up! No. My mom said I was the clever one.
He's such a fast and funny and smart writer that makes me feel stupid to be around him. Writing is such a labored process for me. God, he just does his work. I don't know how he does it. He's the only writer that I know that is like, I'm going to go write a sketch. Maybe he was meant to be a writer and we're just pretending to be it.
Oh, no. Don't tell anyone.
Brian Murphy stole my look. There can only be one gangly Irishman with glasses.
And so he said that guy knows his business. Yeah. We wrote these episodes right as the cast was flipping over. Murph actually left a little before we started writing these. So it was really great to be able to get him back into the room because it was this sort of like, it's like, oh, Murph's gone. I mean, it's Murph. So having this opportunity to get him back in the cast and just see him on camera again. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Who do you think is better looking, me or Murph? Murph, for sure.
I find you a very sad man. And I think that sadness comes through a lot, yeah.
A little more joyful. Yeah, yeah. You can see the inner beauty, but also the outer beauty is better, so Brian Murphy.
Siobhan is great. Siobhan's great.
She was... I know she was very excited about doing the gunfight in the YouTube battle scene. She thought she was... She's groaning in the back. She thought she was so cool.
And then she saw clips of herself, and she was like, oh, no, I'm not. I don't look cool.
Oh, we don't have guns in my country. So Siobhan doesn't know how to use a fake gun, so I'm excited to see that on camera.
It's really embarrassing. Yeah, I hope it is embarrassing. That will be funnier. Watching Siobhan out of her element is probably my favorite thing.
Grant? Grant says you, Perth.
He's certainly the tallest writer. He's very tall.
And he's right behind us. And... We were wearing...
Nice is the wrong word. Good? No. Just sort of like, you know that he is hiding that he did something wrong usually. Yeah. But not very well because he loves to tell secrets. Yes. Just a real liability and... That's not what he was talking about.
That's just like the internet. Bad internet? It's like stuff that's on the internet. We're doing the bad internet thing, so...
If you could just go that way. How's it going? It's pretty good. Yeah, that's good. We're actually on camera right now. Yeah, so if you could get out of here.
They don't want me on camera? Well, yeah, I think that might be like a later thing, so yeah, just... I'll bet they want me on camera.
Cool. See you, dude. Bye.
Why would you do that? You know? Why would you do that?
Where were we?
Anyway, Grant's a real piece of... He's probably murdered like five people.
Jean Smart was great. She was really funny and really game and I know she did some of her own stunts. There was one part where we had to have the president walks up on a chair and falls off and she lands on a desk really hard and then rolls off. And we brought in a great stunt woman who came in and nailed it. And then we had to do a close-up of the stunt right before. And we were working really hard with the director, Tim Wilkerson, was trying to figure out, okay, how can we just get this shot and then cut really quickly? Jean was just supposed to kind of walk up, but she insisted that she wanted to do it for real, so then we had to do it again with Jean and just keep a straight face and everything, even though we were very concerned.
She just gets up and she says, guys, I'm going to be fine. And she gets up on a chair and she just falls over a desk and it looks awesome. And she got really hurt. No, she didn't. She was fine. She climbed up on the chair and heels and flopped back and did a big pro-wrestler power slam on herself. And yeah, she was pretty impressive.
They're all incredibly funny. There's still something about the premise of which of the friends and friends are you that makes me so delighted. Favorite episode. I'm going to say Aaron. So, of course, my favorite episode is which of the friends from Friends you would do. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And what's your favorite episode? My episode is definitely the POTUS one.
No. No, I think they're all really good. It was nice to feel like they were all good and then they were all very different. Yes. All the tones. They all explored things in different ways and took places in different worlds. And so it's hard to pick a favorite because they're all pretty unique. They're all very different. Yeah.
I'm going to say the one I was in, the two that I were in, President of the United States goes viral and the one where we're in kind of the YouTube hunger games. I tend to prefer a year-long ad because I was in it. I didn't like that one. It's not one of my favorites. I just feel like President goes viral was like a little...
Good. A little. Really good. Well-acted.
I feel like there was a couple... Jean Smart was in it. She was great. I feel like there was a character or two in there that we didn't need, you know. Yeah. Just like a few extras in the background, a few too many. Yeah. But like the principal cast was our point. I think Jean Smart was great. Uh-uh. Right. I think she was... She had to work overtime to make you look good. Jean Smart, Brian Murphy, Grant. Yeah. Jean Smart carrying on her shoulders Brian Murphy.
I think my favorite episode might be a year-long ad. When you go online, you're confronted with that option of, do you want to just get a couple ads here and there, like normal television, normal?
It's fine. It's everything you're used to.
Or you can watch one big ass ad in the beginning and you won't have to deal with it for the rest of the time. And Pat just took that to the nth degree and imagined a world where if you watch one ad for a full year nonstop, you could then never see an ad again for the rest of your life. Would you do it? Would you do the year-long ad? No. But what I love about the idea is like, it's a purely insane idea. It's a crazy thing to do for a year, but there is that half moment when you go, never again.
Ever? No ads? To never see one? Is it worth it?
Like, crazy. No, clearly crazy. No, of course.
What's going to happen to my body? No, after a year, after a year, it'd be awful. You'll be, but...
But ever? Ever?
Gosh, my favorite episode. You know, I'm tempted to say with all the writers sitting behind me that you couldn't possibly pick a favorite episode of this series.
But you have to. Yes, it's one. Which one is your favorite, Sam? Is it mine?
Which one's your least favorite? Oh, yeah, which one's your least favorite?
I can so... You can accept that, too. Yeah, I can so easily...
I think it's Greenlight, some of the ones we wrote. Yeah, let's talk about the ones I didn't greenlight and why.
It'd be so easy to turn this into a joke. There are two episodes that really don't work. Watch them for yourself to find out which. You'll be, but...
But ever? Ever?
Gosh, my favorite episode. You know, I'm tempted to say with all the writers sitting behind me that you couldn't possibly pick a favorite episode of this series.
But you have to. Yes, it's one. Which one is your favorite, Sam? Is it mine? Which one's your least favorite?
I can so... You can accept that, too. Yeah, I can so easily...
I think it's Greenlight, some of the ones we wrote. Yeah, let's talk about the ones I didn't greenlight and why. It'd be so easy to turn this into a joke. There are two episodes that really don't work. Watch them for yourself to find out which. |
TheOnion | Joe_Biden_Hitchhikes_To_Democratic_National_Convention | Sources along I-85 told reporters today Vice President Joe Biden was spotted hitchhiking to the Democratic National Convention, reportedly relying on his charm and the generosity of passing motorists to cover the roughly 400 miles from Washington D.C. to Charlotte, North Carolina. I was headed down to Petersburg and I saw the Vice President standing by the side of the road with a bratty looking backpack and his thumb hanging out. When he got in, he seemed upset that there was nowhere to play his foreigner tapes. Then he pulled his Philadelphia Eagles cap down, put his boots up on the dashboard and conked right off for a couple of hours. When he woke up, he told me to pull over because he said he had to drain the snake. Saying it was his duty to quote, heed the open road, Biden has reportedly ridden in at least 11 different vehicles between the Capitol and the border of Virginia and North Carolina. With sources saying the Vice President insisted on making a one night stop in Richmond to quote, catch up with an old flame.
Well we were getting gas and he came out with a 24 pack of Coors Light and a bottle of Jack Daniels. He said it was really time to get the party started. He then offered to make us the sickest apple pipe we'd ever seen. He kept asking if I had the cajones to make it with Cindy Crawford if she was ever lying there spread eagle waiting for me. He smelled pretty bad, like cigarettes and body odor.
The Vice President, known throughout his political career as a frequent hitcher, has not confirmed with aides when he might arrive at the convention, telling them, quote, I'll get there whenever the hell I get there. I dropped him off at a truck stop near Chester about two nights ago, said he planned on sleeping there. He told me all a man needs to sleep is a bench to lie on and cold one to nurse him to bed.
I said it might be a little dangerous out there alone. He said he was carrying his butterfly knife and that he just got his green belt in Taekwondo.
Owners and employees of numerous establishments along Biden's route reported seeing him attempting to get rides from customers, telling them that he needed to get to Charlotte Pronto so he could give a big fancy speech in front of some real uptight gas bags. He was here last night and he kept buying everyone sitting at the bar mimosas. So I cut his tab off at about four hundred dollars. But when I asked him to pay up, he said all he had was a pack of Marlboros. And then he was like, Uncle Joe can think of a couple of ways to pay you.
I turned around for one second and the son of a bitch was gone. To be honest, I thought it was kind of cute. Biden was last seen at this rest stop where he reportedly purchased some corn nuts in the August issue of Swank. Keep checking TheOnion.com for more as this story develops. |
dropout | superman_stole_my_panties | Hi. I'm Cait. Hi.
I could not be here today. She is filming a super secret fun project for Dropout. So we have Caitlin here.
Yeah. You may remember her from Vikings in Peace, The Blanket Story. This is her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fun, right?
Thank you so much for being here, for listening. Thank you for being here.
You may be listening wherever you listen to podcasts. You may be watching on CH2 on YouTube. Or our favorite way for you to be joining us is on Dropout. If you subscribe to Dropout, not only do you get to listen to this first two weeks in advance, but you also get to check out all the other cool stuff we have on there.
Troopers just launched, which is really fun and exciting. That's one of our biggest series. And the director of Troopers is here, who you'll meet in just a moment. We also have Paranoia coming out, Allie's new show. So that's very exciting.
And another great part about Dropout is you get to be on the Discord. It is a channel where you get to talk to us directly. And it really makes you feel like you're part of our erotic book club. So I have some of our book club members, some little quotes from them from the Discord. Chloe said, ah, the Alfie up was so very good.
My inner D&D nerd was, oh, crap, I can't read my own handwriting. Wretching at some of the very wrong halfling facts, but I did laugh my ass off. There was a lot of comments that the halfling facts were incorrect.
I publicly apologize. Had I known Teo had such little knowledge of halflings, I would have never allowed him to sit on my luscious chairs. So my apologies, sincerely.
Cody G, this was about the average penis size discussion that we had, we thought around five to seven. I'm screaming. That's pretty wildly inaccurate. That's some porn shit right there. Laugh my ass off. And as soon as I read that, I was like, oh, there's a lot of things that I think are facts but aren't. So you're right, Cody G. Anybody taking your fact, like, is that nobody's fact-checking you on top of that? You mean in the company? No, let me say whatever I want. I'm sorry for all the wild inaccuracies of our highly educational podcast.
And then Jimbles, if you get dropout for no other reason, please get it for this beautiful fan art that Jimbles made in the Alfie episode, which was a big hit and people are asking for a second one, and we're going to do that because it sounds fun, but Jimbles created this beautiful pic of Alfie's gaping asshole and put the first picture of a black hole inside of it. And it's just divine. So please subscribe to Dropout. Get over there. And I keep an eye on the CH2 comments as well from Aaliyah E on the stress treatment episode, since that came out a bit later. I wish I were a sexy lesbian doctor. I love this podcast so much.
Thank you. And I wish that for you, too. Good luck. Someday. If you keep trying, you can make anything come true.
And roll in lesbian medical school. That's a roll in lesbian. Yeah.
So that leads us to today's discussion of Superman stole my panties by kiss my oops. You know, we needed to bring in some experts to really delve into this one. So we are so lucky to have with us today a forensics expert, which is a big part of the story. We have with us my dear friend, Alex.
Hello. Yes. I am a expert in forensic science and I look forward to maybe illuminating some of the tactics used by the bad guys in this book, which I don't like to call it a book. Yeah. It's a blog. It's generous to call it a book for sure. Yeah. And then over here we have our superhero expert, Ryan.
I'm screaming. Yeah. Screaming already internally. I'm already screaming.
I'm very much a comic expert, even though my knowledge comes from mostly movies. That's where comics were born.
Yes. And there's no way to check if I'm am or I'm not an expert. So I am. Wonderful.
If you did not have the joy of reading this potential book, I'll share with you some of the characters. We have, of course, in the title, Superman, which is, we'll get into that if he's even Superman. We have Donovan, a guy who works at McDonald's with our leading lady and panty owner, Avery. We also have Avery's grandma, who plays a very big role. We have Karen, Avery's shrill BFF, Avery's words. We have Josh, her ex. We have Jake, who I forgot to write down, who is her future potential boyfriend. He's a boyfriend by the end of it. And Bentley, who's a bit of the bad boy of the story. So our story begins.
It's a news report about a crime that has happened in town. There's some type of robbery. Somebody's fleeing the scene.
But we also catch glimpses of our superhero, Superman. But he's not quite Superman. He's an all black.
He's dressed like a criminal. Yeah. He's dressed like a criminal. He has like a mask on with then a green slash on his back. So he's wearing like an outfit, but there's an outfit underneath as well. And they couldn't tell if it was his skin that was green, or if it was like some sort of fabric.
Yeah. And that never gets addressed. If he was a lizard person. I was hoping his face in his hands seemed to not also be green. Yeah.
Is that common for the Superman lore? No, he's famously not green. Her very first note on this page is Superman, green. Green Kryptonite is his biggest weakness.
Yeah. So I feel like even though it's not, they're not presuming that it's Kryptonite, but it just is like remarkably not Superman. Yeah. Okay. Interesting. I mean, I would venture to say that this does not look like any superhero that exists.
What about the Green Lantern? He's fully green. Well, he's not like black, but he's got like, I guess he's got like green throughout, you know, and he's got the green glowy ring that you can't miss.
I had no rings to my knowledge.
Yeah. I mean, I guess she was trying to look, go for a unique look of a superhero. And then she called him Superman. Yeah. If she was going for a unique look, crushed it. Okay.
Perplexing. So the news report is happening. Then above in the rafters of the news studio, we see that the green slash Superman is watching all of this happen.
And he refers to himself as a freak, a reject, a nobody with a strange mutation. Freaky, but not, but doesn't he, is that's where you clarify it's not a physical mutation.
It's an internal one. Yeah. An internal. So still physical. I just wanted, I wanted to unpack that for a second because so in, okay. So an internal mutation, not being physical still, where is the space internal that he's referring to? Alex, I don't even know what you're asking right now. In the soul inside of his old shirt, his inside of his shirt, the inside of his shirt, but it's slash. He's referring to how his shirt got messed up in slash inside.
That makes sense. Thank you for clarifying that. This is why we have experts here. Then we, that chapter ends.
Then we meet our leading lady, Avery. She works at McDonald's. She has a coworker named Donovan and they have a very flirtatious relationship, but in kind of not like a cutesy way, it's just flat out, do you want to go in my car and fuck? Immediately graphic.
I need to unload. I believe it's what he said to him while clocked in at work. And it wasn't like a pun about like, we have like product that we need to unload or so. Which would be acceptable at work if it's a pun, fine. My balls are full, they need to unload.
Dude, this is like, well, she also talks about her manager, Ronnie. Her being at the register, the reason was because I was a cute face paying customers like to see and to an experience to handle the drive through at dinnertime. And she says, I was satisfied with the former, but annoyed with the latter to say the least. So like, she's like, she makes a lot of excuses for some shit that the dudes say throughout the whole story. Everyone her employer and coworker, yeah, her every love interest or potential get into this was a very difficult book to read. It was long, what was one thing, but also I think this person's maybe understanding of the world felt a little off.
And then we did come to the conclusion that maybe this was written by a teenager, which I liked. I'm like 99% sure that reading it through those eyes. Yeah. And looking at it from that point of view, it's like, it makes total sense. And it is like an encapsulation of what being a teenage girl is like in 2011, when this was written, like she puts up with a lot of shit and like feels a lot of guilt for stuff and like is still perplexed by being like attracted to these guys who also scare the shit out of her and gaslight her and fucking like just make her feel like garbage. And yeah, man, I think like it's obviously like a really enthusiastic author who like produced a ton of pages for this, like, you know, is writing and writing and does like a lot of things really successfully, but like just her point of view is still very like narrow to, I don't know, her high school and like that's for her. I'm sure that this is her experience.
I'm sure that this is like some shit that dudes have really said, because dudes have said similar shit like this to me, like at work, you know, I've worked with like creeps who say shit like that to unload a lot, especially in high school, especially if you're working at like, I worked at a store that was like this or, you know, nothing like that's just where I was. I worked at a coffee shop that was I worked at a coffee shop where like that was the general demeanor of a of a dude who was a manager there. And yeah, like this shit, you encounter this at a coffee shop. They want to see a pretty face up front. Um, I mean, that's like the kind of stuff that this dude would say, you know, it's like, it's, it was probably around the same time, like 2011 also.
Whoa. I was like, did you write this? I'm kiss my oops. K for Kate. No, I want to distance myself far, far, far away from, from any claim of having written. It's too late. We're cutting that part out. Um, so there.
Uh, yeah, a bit of sexism happening at work. A lot of sexual harassment happening at work.
Um, but Donovan overall doesn't seem like he's a terrible guy. Uh, so a man is in the McDonald's.
He has had an issue with his order. He thinks his drink is wrong. And then he ordered French fries and didn't get them.
This escalates very quickly into him grabbing Avery and holding a gun to her head, uh, which was horrifying. This part was so scary.
Yeah. Uh, luckily there's a slash green man in town who comes in slash green man slash green man slash from guns and roads, comes in, takes them out. Uh, and then the day, and then leaves just as quickly. No one knows quite what happened. Um, and then Avery sits on Donovan's lap while the police, uh, take their, uh, could you imagine after you've just been attacked, sitting on somebody's lap and then talking to the police about what happened for like hours too. I think they waited until like the sun came up or something. Yeah. I mean, I guess it was supposed to be comforting, but I would just find that very, I'd be like, ma'am, all these other empty seats, everybody else like finish their food.
I still got 13 nuggets left. I ordered 20 peas. I got to finish my, I got six dollars for these. I'm not going to not finish 13 chicken nuggets anywhere. All my sauces are open. I can't just take them out of the restaurant. I got two honey mustards going and they charge you extra for those. I got $4 worth of sauce over here. They better not charge me for sauce.
Oh, uh, restaurants are a big part of this book as well, which is something I loved about it. They bring up all the great chains, Olive Garden, Red Robin, uh, friendlies, friendlies. Yeah. It's not all the great chains. I mean, there's Red Lobster, we're missing a lot. They go to Red Lobster. She'd never been before. He's like, do you like seafood?
Alex has nothing left to say. Make sure that they got shattered out.
This had a pretty good, she, so she's got some like pretty good writing throughout kind of like smattering through it. Like she's got a lot of problems with like, uh, like a couple of problems of like mixing tenses and stuff like that. Like, you know, like she's a teenager and it's kind of like grammatical errors, stuff like that. Like something that if when she goes to school for it, they'll like teach her that shit, right? And then, uh, but she did write like sucking an air.
I wrapped my hands around my neck. The ghost of his arm lingered around my neck as my heart beat studied out, like she has some cool shit.
Yeah. When I read that line and, uh, and made a note, I was like, that's actually like a beautifully written sentence. Yeah.
And she hasn't, I'd say it a Red Lobster. Cheddar baked biscuit.
So to bring them in to honey must be as you did. Where'd you get those? Otherwise they're so dry.
Um, she goes home. That's when we meet grandma. Uh, she goes up to her bedroom. We don't learn grandma's name, right? She's just grandma. She's got a lot of typical grandma things.
She has dentures. She keeps on the side of her bed. She's old. She's sickly. Oh, Amy is an orphan. She says a seatback machine.
Yes. The cops didn't have like an EMT look at her or anything like that. Yeah, I don't know. Fine. She's fine. She probably faking it.
Where's my good night? Fuck you, Donovan.
They didn't dispatch like a forensics crew to like analyze the scene. The crime scene at all. I mean, there could have been like a spatter pattern from the from the gun hitting her head. You know, it's a spatter pattern is what is like the pattern of the blood as it like hits a surface. Damn. Like you can determine the trajectory of the weapon and the the weapon used based on the spatter pattern. So they should have deployed it at lesbian forensics school.
Yeah, I did. Yeah, in the Isle of Lesbos off of the coast of Greece.
It's not an accredited school. I'm getting out of the way right now. It's not accredited.
Oh my God, this book is so long. We got to get it. Okay, sorry, sorry. So we get our first thing. She goes up to her bedroom to go to bed and we get our first encounter with her in the Green Lantern. He allows or whatever the fuck his name is.
They always hang it upside down. Is he Spiderman? Yes. So he's Spidermanning on top of her bedroom and she looks up and she goes Superman. Yeah, what is your expert experience as far as? Does Superman typically hang upside down? As an expert, is Spiderman Superman?
That's one of the first things you learn when I went to lesbian superhero college was that one superhero is typically not another one. Sometimes it does happen. There's a lot of crossovers. I don't think that those do. And here's where I don't know anything about comics. Like those are also two different properties like being DC and Marvel. But also in the way that they're superheroes, those are like not very different dudes. Yeah, very interesting. Later at one point, she like says, like, what are we in like a comic book?
And he goes, what am I, Spiderman? So he says it at some point, but he says he says that he says his spidey sense is tingling. Yes, my spidey sense is tingling. Which Spiderman movie came out closest to this 2011?
Oh, what are we looking at the third? I think that whole first trilogy was already out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I think we're in the the in between one years.
The ones that really nobody cares about is closer to the Andrew Garfield one. Yeah, and Emma Stone, a dark time, a dark time.
He and she is very frightened that he's in her bedroom. He visits her bedroom numerous times and for the bulk of them, she's terrified. She's like, please get out, please leave. He's basically like, go try to tell the cops. What are they going to do? It's very difficult to read. It's like scary that this young woman has somebody in her bedroom.
And then we find out, too, she's in high school. So we're not quite sure of her age up until now.
And I'm like, oh, my God, I just didn't like it at all. Not to harp on it a ton, but it's creepy. It happens in every chapter. Somebody says a male character says something creepy and condescending or outright insulting. And it's like and she's like, yeah. And then like she carries that over and like talks shit with Karen about like other sluts in their high school. And it's like, dude, you're internalizing this shit.
Does she like her friend, Karen? She is so mean to Karen and Karen is very caring and loving to her. She pretended to care as if I could. It's like my shrill friend, I could hear her screeching and she came over to say hello to me and asked me how my day was.
Yeah, maybe, yeah, maybe a little forgiving. Be half as forgiving of Karen as you are of Donovan. Like, you know, give Karen a break, like lay off Karen.
So they have their first meeting and he's basically like, I saved your life. You kind of owe me something in a flirtatious way as well, which he brings up a ton. He she doesn't owe him anything. If someone saves your life, that was their decision and you don't owe them shit. He wants to get things at one point, too. He's like, what?
No, thank you. Thank you is nice.
Yeah, a little ass grabbing. No, well, but I mean, like, but she but she hadn't like said it at that point and he out loud had to call her out for it. Like, oh, you can't even say, I don't know. I even think if you save someone's life saying it, don't you're going to say thank you, that's still an asshole move. Yeah, even if I've saved your life, I'm not going to be like, oh, oh, I mean, it's one thing to save your life. It's another thing to to break into her house while she's like in a state of undress and be like and just appear upside down in your bedroom and be like, no, thanks. Like Jesus Christ, like another thing Spider-Man said all the time.
What? No, thanks. What? No, thanks.
He is funny. I get no respect.
And then he pulls his little Spider-Man collar. Spider collar, spider collar, spady collar.
She goes to school. We meet her friend, Karen. Karen alludes to sleeping with a teacher.
Is that right? Yes. Oh, yeah. She wants to flirt with Mr. Marks. Yeah. There is a teacher that she's super into. Yeah.
Oh, this this chapter five news coverage, version one. All of these are version one. Just to let you know.
Features my favorite character, Pete Vander, a witness to the break in at Ricardo's jewelry shop, 40s wife, Peter and robe grunts. Reporter talks to him for like 20 minutes. And he switches from somebody who would wear what he's wearing into like a weird like British sea urchin or street urchin like character where he says he asks him about turning over the video to the police. And then suddenly his tone is, yeah, I did. I got some weird stuff on it. I did. Like he has this like weird way of speaking now. How did you not read this with like a with like a Northeast like dirtbag accent? Because he starts to be like, oh, yeah, it was pretty weird.
I guess I think I saw some bad guys over there sweep now. Yeah, it's it's yeah, it's a chimney sweep. Oh, OK. PRE apostrophe apostrophe Y. If I'm being honest, I did skip over this part. There's throughout numerous news stories where crimes keep happening. The green slash keeps saving things.
I mean, if I can be honest, I I got the chapter 26 of this book and I gave up. There's only twenty eight. I can't believe it took that long. That's because I didn't. I'm not saying I stopped reading it. OK, I gave up. I was defeated by this by this book.
That's interesting because that was some of my. When you're running, if you're running like a like a marathon and your body gives out at 24 miles, it's like what are those last two miles that that doesn't mean anything? That's where my body came out. It wasn't a choice. It just happened. Yeah, I hit the wall. My legs went and I was done. I read this whole thing sitting down. So I said, that didn't happen to me. I was running a marathon when I was bleeding. I was tiring you out.
Shitting himself. She doesn't tell her friends at school about it. She gets more more visits from him and she's in less and less dress each time she comes out of the shower and he's just there. There's one part she's literally like, I grasp at my towel in fear, which was terrible. She says the words against my will a bunch of times. She says like she asked him to get out numerous times.
His tone both worried and concerned me. I think they were going for an aesthetic of like a Tony Stark type of dude, like a little snarky and yeah, kind of tells it like it is a bit, but it just comes off. And this is where some of my expertise comes in.
Tony Stark is not Superman or Spider-Man. Whoa. He's Iron Man. Whoa.
Spoiler alert in the second year. Second year of lesbian superhero school. My sapphic sophomore year. Wow. In their second meeting is when the title of the thing comes into play.
He does steal her panties. Oh, because also at school, she gets a note in her locker and it's a scary note. Forensic expert. What did it say? It said I you would I bet you would look good in red. Yeah, it was written in red ink. So she gets this evil note. And as the news stories progress, more and more girls are dying. So the thought is that there's a serial killer in town who's going after the girls and that this guy is going to help her. So to help her, he says, show me the note. She says no because she's horrified of him and he says, OK, I'll steal your panties and you'll get them back when you show me the note. Fun stuff.
We also meet Josh Avery's ex-boyfriend of a year and a half and perpetually drunk and high even at school. That's so sad to me. Josh really broke my heart. This like teenage kid. I mean, he is also still harassing her, but like he's also he's I mean, we all knew Josh. Yeah, I don't think I knew I knew I knew I knew I knew every character in this book.
Yeah. Well, because you're a block. This is I wrote it does mention wearing an ocean and change a single name. She meant just wearing an Ocean City, New Jersey t-shirt. So she might be from our area. Yeah. This chick's from the Northeast, dude. She's from Bucks County. We can I disparage an entire county? Yes. Oh, OK. She's from suburban Philadelphia. Nice. Good cover up specific.
Her friend Karen is also suggesting that she go on a blind date with this guy. Jake a lot. They go. He takes they go on like a group date to the Olive Garden and he pays for everything. And I thought that sounded so cool. If I was in high school and one dude paid for all of us to go to the Olive Garden, they would be insane.
I mean, that's why that's why it's in the book. It's one of the best things I've ever read. What if that be amazing?
Think about how hard it was in school. Who's going to pay for what? You know, your friend who never pays enough. Like that should start it when we were all in high school.
I'll buy you endless soup, salad and breadsticks. That one said anything you want at the Olive Garden.
Everything you see before you is yours. Anything the fluorescent light touches. It's yours. But don't go into the shadow section.
And she's she likes this guy, but she's clearly also liking Superman. And I'm like, go with Jake. Oh, my God. He buys lots of apps. Yeah. That she likes. And his two favorite side dishes.
I'm forgetting. Sorry. Is that or are you giving us some?
She keeps bringing up how much food he buys. It's several times throughout the book. Oh, they have a lot in common, too. Their favorite movie is the third Harry Potter.
Oh, so here's a little point. Because I'm a forensics expert, I did some digging on this kiss my oops person. Yeah, I found them on on social media. Yeah, I know the real name. Yeah, I also know that they are a huge Harry Potter fan. And so this is a little bit of the author's personal taste coming in. Didn't give it to the main character, gave it to Jake. So I found that to be an interesting choice. Thank you for that. I'm also a literary expert, a forensics literary.
Oh, I also like the third Harry Potter movie a lot. That's The Prisoner of Azkaban, right? Yeah, that one's a great movie. Yeah, it really kind of gets into the darker side of Harry Potter.
We got more bedroom visits. We get more death threats, more girls being killed. It's a bit repetitive, more double dates.
We can kind of fly through this stuff. We can move to then one time when he comes to visit, he's down in the I was about to say lobby on her lawn, down in her lobby lawn. And he's like, come on, we're going to go for a motorcycle ride. And she's like, no, I don't want to. But of course, that means she's going to go do it.
So she gets on the motorcycle ride with this dude and then they go to what sounds like a bat cave. And it's also referred to as a bat cave, just all over the place with the supergears.
I feel like I don't really have to touch on that one at all. It seems like that's pretty obvious. It's lacking.
That Superman does live in a bat cave. He does, but he doesn't call it a bat cave. He calls it a superman cave.
I had an, this was the point in the book where I had an easier time. I was like, maybe I'll start enjoying this more if I picture him as a villain instead of a superhero because he's a little piece of shit all the time. He just bosses her around. He does the come here motion with his finger several times in chapter 12. Fucking makes me so mad.
Yeah, I think chapter 12 is also when I realized there wasn't going to be any sex in the book. So this is the second erotica that we've had that has had no sex in a row.
Our apologies. We're going to make up for it again.
This is definitely young adult fiction rather than erotica. Yes. It's a non-sexual to me. Because just the things that were clearly supposed to be sexual like that, or they comment on her crossing her legs about six times. And I was like, this must be very sexy to whoever wrote this. But it's not sexy to groan. It's high school flirting, right? It's like, you know, she wears shorts that say DTF on it that Karen got her, her friend like, you know.
And he asks, are you? Are you?
No, so my bitch friend just got me these beautiful obligated to wear them. Does the butt message match the mind? That also leaves her. That also makes her innocent of having any sexual desire. Because she didn't buy shorts that said DTF because that would be something a slut would do. So Karen, her friend, got it for her. So she's like, I wore them because they're comfortable. It says that shit. Like, she makes so many excuses for it. Well, I mean, I have a pair of shorts that say DTF. They are very comfortable. Who bought them for you? My shrill friend, Karen.
Oh, well, there you go. Karen also kind of on that first date with Jake is like, kind of threatens her like, well, if I can't say it was Jake, I'll set this other girl up with him. Yeah. It just became like this weird bartering thing where it wasn't even about them liking each other. Yeah. It had nothing to do with their chemistry or their interest. Yeah, they just wanted to all split a check at originally Chili's and then Olive Garden. Let's not forget.
Did they even get to go to Chili's? No, they didn't even get to go to Chili's.
I love Chili's. Damn, that's about it. Who doesn't like Chili's? Ah, speaking of. Olive Garden was closer to the movie theater. Okay, sorry, go ahead.
Oh, she goes back home. The guy drives her home after a long night out and grandma's like, where the fuck have you been? And so she's like, I'll make it up to you.
I'll take you to Red Robin. So they go to Red Robin. You have, use magic words.
They have a weird game that they play with the waiter with the tip. They basically just play a game.
Do I deem you worthy enough to give you 20% and the majority of the time is no, which I found so cruel. This is one of the clues that this character or maybe even the author are of a certain political bent.
That's what I'll say. Liberals? Sure.
Yeah, they have Fox News on in the background a lot. She listens to talk radio. She has some slurs that I don't even think we need to get into. Yeah, it's a misguided.
Ambivalent towards the Second Amendment. Yes. Oh yeah, when the guy hits her in the head with the gun afterwards, she's like, well, it's America. It's his right to have a gun. It's his right to hit me in the head with a gun. Yeah, but you shouldn't go carrying around guns like they're going out of style.
Yeah, that is. But she's like, well, they are if you ask me.
I can't believe how much of this I've committed to memory. You have a great mind. A beautiful mind. Wasted. It's a beautiful mind even. Somebody would say. It's beautiful. I loved your analysis of everything you've said so far. Thanks.
And you're like, this gal. She's so great.
Moving on. We have more visits from the commencement. One of my favorite scenes. So it's the first time that she finally seems a bit more on board with the green slash after their Batcave meeting. They're a little bit looser. He comes to visit her again.
They talk about another note that has a razor in it. And that makes them think it's not connected to the other ones. Yes, that was very troubling to me. In all my years as a forensics expert.
Look, I can't stress this enough. I'm gonna find a camera here. Look, I can't stress this enough.
If you find two notes that are written in your room, they're connected. Okay, there's no world in which two different people are sending you notes. Okay, it doesn't matter if there's a razor blade in this one, there wasn't a razor blade in that one. Wait at least till the third one. Maybe there's a pattern being, they're connected. They're connected.
Thank you. It's just a matter of public safety is why I'm this fired up about it. I remain skeptical. Yeah.
Because there were different color inks. Oh, wow. So you're telling me one serial killer has two different pens? Very easily purchase a number of pens from any Walgreens, any kind of, any store that sells stationery. What? If this was said a decade earlier when gel pens were very popular and you had like a handful in your bag, I could see that. One person having several pens.
But I feel like they'd fallen out of fashion. I feel like by 2011 those pens have fallen out of fashion.
Even if the final note you find is like red, black, green, and blue, like the one pen that had all of the colors in it and that somebody pushed them all down and wrote it with all of them, it's still connected. I just want to call it, and if you're listening, you can't see this, but I do have a pen. That just blew my mind. A pen.
Brian's a murderer! Allegedly, allegedly.
But it's got black and red and green and blue. I did not even see that in your hand before I saw it. Whoa! Wow. Or maybe I did, maybe my forensics brain is just so on fire all the time that I took note of it subconsciously without even noticing. All these things see that. And you only noticed when I called attention to it. Crazy. And I only noticed it.
So there's more notes. There is also more flirtation. So he often lies in her bed too. He makes himself very comfortable when he comes over, takes her panties, this and that.
In this one, they finally kiss, and she pushes him away, and she says, I'm cheating on someone who is going to be my boyfriend soon. And that's why they can't kiss. Isn't that a crazy thing to say? I'm cheating on someone I'm not dating. Yeah, she's got guilt, dude. She's wracked with guilt because these dudes are fucking, like, they're making her feel so bad about everything she does. She has no agency.
It sucks. I mean, it sucks.
It is like a horrible little glimpse into the life of an actual person. I think it was really hard because I was like, I remember being a high school kid and the shit that, yeah. I remember liking boys who said gross ass shit like this to me and still being attracted to them because you're still a teenage girl with wild ass hormones, and you're like, oh my God, I want to fuck. But all the guys around me talk mad shit to me and just make me feel like garbage. And it's because their dads talk shit to them, and it's this echoing of trauma throughout.
Yeah, they're just not to say.
You know, these are also young boys who think that this is like how you do talk. You know, they're not all inherently bad. What it was, they were quoting St. John Mayer. St. Slohan Jr. Fathers, be good to your daughters. So they have, this kiss is at least a little bit better because it's consensual. You know, everybody's on the same page, which I like about it.
She tries to steal his mask, and she gets it, but just as she's about to see his face, Grandma catches them, she opens the door, and he like Spider-Man's out, and now she's in big trouble with her grandma. So that happens. I don't even know if much comes of that. Then they go to a different chain restaurant, and everything gets better.
We do hang out with Jake a bit more, and we also meet his good friend, Bentley, who is good friends with Josh, her drunk ex, is also good friends with Jake, and Bentley is a real piece of shit. He screams at her twice in the middle of school, you're a whore! And then Jake is like, oh, he's a cool guy, he's like a genius, he's just always smoking pot.
If you date someone in your friend, they talk to your girlfriend like that, that's an issue, for sure. Even if it's not your girlfriend, but someone who's soon to be your girlfriend. Oh yeah, yeah. You're nascent, you're nascent girlfriend. Yes, you can't talk to my soon to be girlfriend like that.
He's terrible, and I bring him up because he comes up in the end. So basically more things happen, I think we can just jump to this big climax, more notes come, but oh, so then there's the party scene. We can get to the party scene, because that's leading towards the end.
She goes to a party, there's a game of truth or dare happening. She can't take truth, because that's what losers do. So she takes dare, and someone dares her to jump off the roof naked, and she agrees to this.
She says, all right, and everybody runs outside, and she goes up to the upstairs bedroom where she sees this guy from school, who we forgot to mention this, because we've been skipping things. She's been bumping into this boy. She keeps bumping into this mystery boy at school. But she never quite knows his name or knows what's up with him.
He's always writing notes, and he's not trying to play this. They don't get to chat much.
Literally everywhere where she is. Well, it turns out that this boy is the green slash. It's Tyler, it was discovered. He always calls her princess in the room, and that's how he lets it slip in Tyler's voice.
Like, don't go out there, princess. She's like, wait a minute.
Only a creepy man who comes into my bedroom at night calls me princess. All the other men in my life yell at me. Only one calls me princess. Call me corn, slug. And get in the back of my car so I can unload you.
So she finds out that it's him. They go home, and she gets another note. Roses are red, violets are blue.
I expect you at 49 silver with your secret BF2. So there's a big final showdown. They go there, and there's like a mob and gangsters there. Like a big mafiosa boss who then ties them up and is like, we know about you. We know you're the superhero.
And we murdered all of those girls to get to you. Isn't that so sad? And the mob boss's brother was the McDonald's psycho who held the gun to her head. Correct. So don't we think that had the green slash slash Tyler not been so obsessed with Avery, he could have maybe saved those other girls.
He's spending a lot of time with her. Well, that's, I mean, I think a dilemma that often comes up in superhero movies now. Yeah, and I think when you are not that superhero, but you're that person's love interest, like you're sort of either knowingly or unknowingly signing yourself up to put up with all this shit and get one sliver of this person who can't or won't share part of their life with you publicly because that puts you at risk or puts them at risk. Like very often, like that person's like, well, I can't, because the villains come after the people that are close to you.
Terrible.
That is accurate. Like your Aunt Mayes and your Mary Janes and Lois Land. No, just Spider-Man. Oh, okay. Thank you. It's Superman after all.
Avery gets sassy with the mob people. And then basically in the next scene, the green slash is like, you need to shut up. You're ruining everything. Just let me handle it.
So they escape. She escapes and run out. He's like, get out of here.
I'll deal with them. Starts doing a little bit of fighting. We don't know what happened.
She's nervous that her grandma isn't okay, but she decides to go to Donovan's first and eat cereal. Then she goes and checks on her grandma. Her grandma's safe. And written in her room is a note from the green slash.
I'm okay. Yeah. And that's how our story ends. It's okay. Okay. And in the end, everything was groovy.
So we did not get a chance to get to any erotica, similar to our gritty of brotherly love, but we didn't want to leave you guys hanging. So we took it upon ourselves to write some superhero erotica, some loosely based off of what we've read, some not at all.
Would anyone like to start? I'd be happy to start us off. I'll go if you do. Oh, you go first. Yeah, we could go down the line.
All right. Anything you should preface this with or? This is a work of fiction using Spider-Man as the medium. So that's it. Beautiful. Does it have a title? It doesn't. Untitled. Version one. As of yet. Okay. Kind of just jumps right into the action.
Mary Jane slid the Spider-Man suit off of Peter Parker's body. When the red and blue mesh suit slid past his pelvis, it caused Peter's turgid member to bounce up and hit his stomach with a thwack. Thwack? That's good sound effects, right?
The head of Peter's penis was covered in the same tric... Head of Peter's penis? Was covered in the same tricabothria that allowed him to climb walls as Spider-Man. So it's the little hairs on a... Oh, okay. So he could climb a wall with it? So the head of his penis was covered in the same tricabothria that allowed him to climb walls as Spider-Man so it stuck to his skin when it made contact.
Oops. This hasn't happened before.
I must be very horny, Peter whispered. Here, Mary Jane said breathily, let me get it. Mary Jane pulled at Peter's pecker in vain. It's really stuck on there, huh? She said. Laughing sheepishly, Peter replied, yep, it's stuck on there pretty good.
Maybe if I twist it here, ah, and with that, the heat of the moment got the best of Peter and he shot rope after rope of webbing out of his tumescent protuberant penis. Thwack? One of the lines of webbing shot straight up to the blade of a ceiling fan spinning high above their heads. No. Peter suddenly found himself being propelled around the room by the force of the ceiling fan. MJ, help me, he cried. Before being knocked unconscious by the large oak hope chest that Mary Jane's grandmother had bequeathed her, Mary Jane attempted to corral Peter's large limp body as it swung, attached only by his penis, around the room, knocking over chairs, picture frames, and pretty much everything he came in contact with, but it was too hard, so she gave up and masturbated in the shower instead. The end?
Leaving him spinning around the room? Yeah, she left him just there. And I like to imagine, which I can because I'm the author, that things are now getting stuck to his body as he's, and so it's just, he's panicking, you know. Like you just went into that game where you roll around every, yeah, he's katamari.
Yes. Beautiful. That was great. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you so much. So horny. Okay, mine is, yeah, inspired by the book.
Goodnight, little designer Tim Gunn said, as he kissed Jessica on the forehead, Tim Gunn had raised Jessica ever since her parents died in a horrible cancer car crash explosion. Now she was a sexy, sweet 32-year-old orphan looking for her place in the world. Tim Gunn turned off the lights and closed the door, but Jessica couldn't sleep.
She tossed and turned, wondering if her Superman would appear again tonight. Just when she had given up hope, a flicker of light appeared in the corner of her room. The flicker turned into a circle, and a man appeared within it.
Dr. Strange, the sexy superhero who had visited her the night before with her enthusiastic consent, enthusiastic consent was super important and very sexy to Jessica. It really got her off. Hello, Jessica, he said sexily. Ready for another trip through time and space, he winked. You bet, Jessica replied. Damn, she thought. Knowing we're on the same page means we're really gonna go to town on one another.
We just have to be quiet, or my grandfather, Tim Gunn, will wake up. Oh, I'll be quiet, but I can't promise you will be.
He used his portal magic to pop through the corner of the room to Jessica's bed. Jessica leaned in to kiss him, but he pulled away smiling. Suddenly, she felt a caress on her back. She turned around to see his magical cape waving in the wind.
Mind if I tie you up first? Fuck, just the question alone, just the question alone almost made her come. God, did she love consent. She nodded yes, and in a flash, her hands were tied to the bed frame above her head.
Dr. Strange proceeded to pull down Jessica's panties. He did his little portal magic around her womanhood and stuck his tongue inside. My God, she screamed. She had never felt anything like this before. Dr. Strange was eating out the fourth dimension of her clitoris. After an appropriate amount of time, she came. Just the sight of her coming made him come.
It was awesome. Wow. Fin, Fin. In an appropriate amount of time. That was great. Thank you.
Yeah. Beat up those walls. I'm sorry, here we go. Okay, mine is titled. Mine is titled Superman Really Stole My Panties, okay. It's seven pages long. It's. Continued on both sides.
Tell me what you want, Boy Scout. I don't have all night.
Bruce whispered in to Kal-El's ear. Kal-El was impressed. Even with his enhanced hearing, Kal had not detected Bruce as he sneaked up behind him. Kal supposed that the dark night must have answered Gordon's bat signal a hundred times before.
He must have memorized every gable and gargoyle that adorned the roof of the Gotham City police headquarters. Whoa. The Keeped Crusader could scale the building in secret, but he could not conceal the urgency, the need from his breathing. Batman exhaled hot and quick on Superman's neck.
I'm returning these.
Kal held up the black bat panties loosely and inch from his Kryptonian nose. In the pale moonlight, the sable Kevlar briefs looked almost blue. Kal took his last chance to breathe in the scent of them before Bruce snatched them away.
Superman spoke without moving a muscle. Are you wearing your Kryptonite ring, Bruce? The closer I am to you, the weaker I am in the knees. Bruce who?
The name's Batman.
Oh, right. Which is the true disguise, Bruce? Batman, you can deceive Gotham, but I know who you really are, what you really want. I know you better than you know yourself.
Faster than a speeding bullet, Superman spun and pulled Bruce, pulled himself into Bruce. Batman's legs wrapped around the Kryptonian's crotch. Their hands searched under one another's capes, grasping urgently, spandex-clad cock throbbed against spandex-clad cock. They're gasping mouths inches apart.
Okay, sorry.
Wow. Like really sweating. Wow.
So that's, hold on, hold on, almost done. So that's why they call you the man of steel, Bruce Grunted. So that's why they call you the world's greatest detective. Hours later, they ate breakfast at friendlies.
Yay!
That was awesome. Aw, great. I loved all that. That was incredible. It was really specific. It was great.
Hey, I wrote it after two glasses of wine and reading this blog. A sexy identity crisis. Very sexy.
Mine's a little light on superhero stuff. That's okay. I don't know why. You don't want to mix work with pleasure. Well, this one does. Oh.
Some of the erotica I've read in my life has been very short because I don't have time for as much erotica as we all just read. And some of the details for gay erotica are like men in very desperate situations. So it starts out, it's just like. Like dangling from a cliff? No, like someone who's very lonely and like pining for a week. Every gay erotica, seriously. Help me! Exactly. So I'll read this little thing.
It's called The Summer of 69. Woo! It was the summer of 2007.
I had just graduated and landed my dream job, toll booth operator. It was lonely, but quiet. And I love to take naps and dream. That's why it was my dream job.
One day, a handsome but sexy man drove through. It wasn't a memorable exchange. He handed me some coins and I waved him through. That would be the only exercise I got all summer or so, I thought. An hour later, the same man drove through in the same direction. When he saw, I was just even a little bit confused, he explained, I'm a time-traveling superhero, Gus. I'm doing like this weird, complicated mission and I messed it up the first time so I'm driving back through. I still only brought the same change, but I already gave it to you.
Can you just use that and wave me through? If you do, I'll come back and we can boink sometime. Oh, I can't boink. This travel is handled perfectly, by the way. Thank you. You had me at boink sometime, I said, and waved him through.
Over the next two and a half months, my hero teleported back to my booth and we had a lot of sex. One time, each time he visited. They were short, but to get us both in the mood, he would recant where he'd just been, fighting villains and bad guys from history or future history. But he said, I could just call that the future.
I was on the clock and getting railed at the same time. Plus, it was a really sexy secret and I couldn't tell anyone if I wanted to. It was just me in the toll booth. I also decided to live in the downtown where rent was unbelievable, let me tell you. So I worked overtime, nights and weekends, which only gave me more time to wait around for my hero. He would never tell me when he was coming and neither would I. Although he did keep asking for a heads up on that.
One time we tried to 69, but I was tired from barely moving most days and he was tired from fighting Germans. The last time I saw him, he had just traveled back from the past. He said he went back to console a grieving Mary Todd Lincoln. He was gentle too and handsome and sexy. The last time I saw him, it was our 69th meet-up.
Oh, the summer of 69! The next day I was fired. They had a camera in the booth, I guess, and finally checked. They said, normally, almost nothing happens and they have a really hard time finding someone to work the job where they watch all those tapes. But I'll always have those memories and the tapes. We watched them in my court hearing. Now here we are, the summer of 2008.
I'm in a jail cell all alone, probably no cameras. I think I need to see the optometrist soon, but I can't right now, I'm in jail.
I'm still waiting for him to come see me from one of his heroic adventures. Come to think of it, I don't even know his name, but he'll always be my hero.
Or wait, it was Gus. I forgot, because it happened over a year ago. I sighed and reached my hand into my prison pants and said, oh, Gus.
That's all. Oh my God. I love that in that story, there was the manager of the toll booth was watching. Normally, there's nothing going on in these videos, but we have 70 consecutive visits where you're having sex in the booth. And come to think of it, that's almost three months. It was almost every day, I guess. Yeah, it's pretty good. And entire, the whole summer.
Ryan, that was incredible. Thank you. It was epic. It was a huge proportion. I did write it very fast, so thank you. It honored what we read, but you really brought yourself into it, too, which made it so special. Thank you all so much for writing those. They were truly beautiful. At the end of each episode, we like to rate the book that we've read.
One being A Drought and five being Slip Off Your Chair. Wait, what was it? Slip Off Your Chair. You're so wet that you slip off. Got it, from all the juice. All right, if you're Spider-Man, I guess everything sticks to you. Yeah, so it could be that as well. Stuck to your chair or slip off your chair.
If anyone would like to start. I gotta give it like a two. It's not like an instruction manual, like a one, I should say for a VCR or something like that. Like it didn't, you know, I don't know, man, two, a two. This hurts you so much, I don't even want it.
Because I see the effort and I see what she wanted to do and her capabilities, I think, are there. Yes, yeah, I love that part. I love this girl, I love that she did something creative with her time. It seems like a lot of people enjoyed it. One of the most endearing things about the book was after every chapter, she would write a little something at the bottom that was like, so excited, everybody's reading it. The comments were so supportive. All the comments are so supportive. I love that about it, yeah, it was very, it helped me like get through some things.
It's not for me, it's not personally sexy to me, but I really think the effort is great. You know what, that's a great point, that it's not necessarily, it may not be for you. It's not for a 32 year old woman.
Yeah, yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Who would anybody else like to share?
I give this a zero, I hate it. It's very disappointing, there's no actual sex in it.
No, I'll give it a one because of the effort, whatever that is, like slightly intrigued, right? It's not a drought, but I'm like, oh, there's something happening. Yeah, A for effort, but I hope that Kiss My Oops is like still writing and has gotten better. I hope so, too. I bet she is. Yeah, I want to give it a two also, despite not featuring a lot of sex or any sex.
But it was very layered and there were a lot of details that I did want to see kind of come back and they didn't always, like early on, she was like, oh, Donovan was sexy because of this chain and when I asked him about it, he said he got it from his brother as a birthday gift and two weeks later, his brother died and I was like, that's, I don't know if that's sexy, but I thought it would come back later. But there were a lot of little details that it feels like there's a lot going on. Yeah, I thought Jake was gonna turn out to be like, oh, I'm not being bad because he was so good the whole time and so great, but he's just a great guy that she doesn't end up with, which sometimes happens in life, so maybe there's something beautiful to that. But, oh, I think we forgot to mention Bentley was in the mafia as well and was also in the fight. It's also a very dense book. I get the feeling that she was writing this kind of like off the top of her head. Like as she was writing, it was just like sort of free, like what's the word? Stream of consciousness. Yeah, when Tyler is revealed, she was kind of like, well, that's who it is in a way that was kind of like, I wasn't quite sure. Yeah, she discovered it in that moment too. Yeah. But there were a lot of ideas and I think that's not nothing, even if it's too much going on at times. Yeah, I'm gonna give it a 1.5. It was a difficult read, but I appreciate it almost reading like a bit of a fantasy journal of, it like encapsulated what it was kind of like to be in high school in a way that was very vulnerable and I really appreciate this person's vulnerability that they shared with us.
A superpower, you might say. What is it? It is a superpower. Wow, hey, hey, hey, hey, it is like that.
Thank you so much for listening to Erotic Book Club. We have next time's assignment. We are gonna be reading Sharing Samantha by Madison Faye and you can find that on Amazon. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you to all of our guests. It's fabulous, yeah. And I hope, thank you to our special co-host. It was so fun doing it with you.
Yeah, it was. Yeah. And have a very sexy week. I know I will. Hey, it's Jess.
There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets hot. It's hot, it's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial, that was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I buy land, I guess. God. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_james_austin_johnson_and_molly_kearney_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good evening, everybody. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. and I'm Colin Jost. This weekend, bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America, will finally face off in person.
I'm, of course, talking about tomorrow's Oscars. The Motion Picture Academy has rejected a request from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to make an appearance during the Oscars, but they promised that Volodymyr Zelensky will be how John Travolta pronounces Viola Davis. organizers of the Oscars said they changed the color of the arrival carpet from red to champagne, so the mood would be more mellow. but, I don't know, switching from red to champagne usually turns me into a full-on bitch.
Biden proposed his budget that would help fund Medicare with a 25% tax on billionaires. Ha! take that, Rihanna. President Biden's proposed budget included $400 million to counter Chinese disinformation. it will target the number one source of Chinese disinformation, fortune cookies.
Tucker Carlson, seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car. released security footage from the January 6th attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves it was a peaceful gathering, which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it's a short film about being a stepmom. new documents from the Dominion lawsuit revealed texts from Tucker Carlson in which he says he hates Donald Trump passionately and can't wait until he's able to ignore him. I'm gonna suck to go on Tv and put on a smile and make friends with some psychotic bigot just because it's good for the show. Anyway, back to you, Colin. I don't get it. Rupaul harshly criticized lawmakers who support banning drag shows, calling them stunt queen politicians. And let me just say, hallelu, girl, I gotta serve realness on this one. these dusty breeders are resting on ugly, and I am gagging on it. And I'm sorry, guys, before the show, I switched from red to champagne. Oh, boy. President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban Tiktok, but only because Biden thinks Tiktok is a gang member from his old neighborhood.
After Walgreens announced that they will stop selling abortion pills in 21 states, Cvs has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the take abortion, leave abortion program.
It was reported that the organizers of King Charles' coronation have officially invited Meghan Markle, and this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. I thought, that seems very generous, guys.
This week, Tennessee Lieutenant Governor Randy Mcnally was caught using his verified Instagram account to engage with provocative photos of a young gay man. here to comment is Lieutenant Governor Randy Mcnally. all day printing out Mapquest directions. Oh. My. God, Mapquest? Yes, I don't know if you noticed, but I am not good at the internet. Yeah, right, so Randy, you're a married man who supports Tennessee's anti-drag laws. Can you explain why you commented on a thirst trap saying, you can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine?
Well, I didn't think people would find out because I was a screen name. Oh, what is the screen name?
Lieutenant Governor Mcnally. Randy, you see how this could be a problem.
And also, I want to point out you commented, you commented three hearts and three fire emojis on this naked photo of the same young gay man. Well, Colin, I don't discriminate. I comment on photos of all their orientations. orientations like from the side, from the front, from the back. there does not have to be a butt, but it helps. Whatever the photo, it's my job to encourage my constituents. right, I think there's just maybe some confusion about your beliefs. Colin, I stand by my traditional values. I believe a woman should be in the home, and a man should be 143 pounds and dancing to Doodaloo. Okay, yes, you're very cute, but. you are claiming these interactions are innocent, but it does not look good. Colin, I'm just looking out for the little guy, Joe average, every tom, dick, and hairless. I think that some of the People of Tennessee film misled. Oh, Colin, it's no big deal. I'm just looking. looking at pictures on Zillow doesn't make me a homeowner, although I have done a few 3d tours.
Okay. Randy. Randy by name, Randy by Nature.
Why are you interacting with these young men? Why? Because I'm talking to voters, or people who could vote in the future.
Okay, okay. I'm a proud conservative. I respect police officers, firefighters, and any man who puts his body on line for others. Do you mean on the line for others? What did I say? by the way, any chance you can print me out another mapquest. I'm trying to get to Flaming Saddles. All right. Randy, folks are calling you a hypocrite for endorsing anti-lgbtq laws while seeming to enjoy queer content. Well, Colin, what do you want me to say? I'm a hypocrite that I was flirting with the 20-year-old dancing around in his fine washables, that I made it legal to have guns in libraries but not drag queens, that I publicly hate things that I secretly like. both Republicans and democrats are telling me to get off Instagram. and guess what? I will. because I forgot my password. Randy Mcnally, Everyone.
Make Me A Flaming Saddles. a deep sea diver has announced plans to set a new record by living underwater for 100 days. I feel like the record is longer than that, said the people of New Orleans. I thought that'd make you laugh. a man in Florida said he was surprised when he heard a knock at the door and it turned out to be an alligator. Even more surprising, it was doing the thing from love, actually. officials in Berlin announced that women will now be allowed to go topless at the city's pools. but officials also said to be aware, it's not going to be the ones you want. according to a new report, by 2035, more than half of the world's population will be just how I like them.
A photo of a 98-year-old woman in Kentucky meeting her first great-great-great grandchild. Well, I wish I had gotten to meet my great-great-great grandmother so I could have told her, don't get on that boat!
Acting during that one, man. there is a trend on Tiktok of people eating oranges in showers, claiming that it reduces stress and anxiety. But if you're comfortable filming yourself, eating in the shower, I would argue you don't have enough anxiety. A new study finds that long distance running does not cause wear and tear on marathoners' knees, but it does sand their nipples clean off.
Wednesday was International Women's Day. I said, was, next joke. a new Study finds. A new study finds that some New York City rats carry the virus that causes Covid, which is why I always order mine well done.
Well, guys, we. we only have about a minute left at the end of update. here to fill it with some random impressions is James Austin Johnson. All right. James, what is your first impression? Okay, here we go. this is Adam Driver as Kylo Ren from Star Wars on the Show Girls. Okay. here we go.
Hannah, do you know how difficult it is to be on the dark side of The Force? No, you don't, because you're a child! Okay. all right, what else you got?
Batman, And he's reading Where's Waldo, Okay? Batman, we're reading Where's Waldo. Where is He?
That's great. we're already running out of time. this next impression would make a great sketch on the show. you should consider it. Sure. this is Jay-z, and he's downstairs. Okay.
B.u.c.
How would you play Jay-z? Oh, he'd be downstairs. we don't see him, because he's downstairs.
Okay, great. I don't think you put much thought into this. Okay, look. I have a stockpile of useless two-second impressions that I don't know what to do with, so I just kind of thought, why not do them on Update where it doesn't really matter? But I got to get these impressions out, Okay? it's my brand, all right? bartenders won't even look at me at the after party unless I do my trump voice. we've been waiting a very long time for that. Negroni. this is much too long. it's a three-ingredient drink. you're very thirsty. very thirsty. I love Negroni. All right, we have time for one more impression, but it's got to be quick. Okay, I got the perfect one. this is Bob Dylan's cell phone on vibrate. Okay. good night. |
dropout | obscure_christmas_songs_hardly_working | As the sun began to set, Grant was feeling lost. He still wasn't sure of the true meaning of Christmas. As old Jack Frost blew a storm outside, he went to find his friends to see if they had an idea.
Do you think I'm smart that we both got him whiskey stones? You can never have too much ice you have to wash.
Hey, Grant. You look like you're going through a pointless crisis.
I'm trying to figure out the true meaning of Christmas. Oh, I was right. Hey, I heard you singing earlier. Were you preparing for the Christmas Song Showcase tonight? Oh, I completely forgot about the Song Showcase. You do know that singing is the true meaning of Christmas.
Really? What should we sing tonight? We could sing Deck the Halls, Hark the Herald Angels sing. Yeah, I'm not familiar with those. Really?
They're pretty well-known songs. They're as well-known as Joy to the World, or Jingle Bells, or Jolly Old St. Nicholas. Yeah, I haven't heard of those either. What songs have you heard? Tons of songs. The Elf Overture, the March of the Tiny Snowmen, Bouncer, the Hunchback Reindeer. Yeah, I don't think I know any of those songs.
Yeah, same. Really? Those aren't my favorites. Maybe it's like Dominic the Donkey.
You know, it's like one of those songs that they're heard a million times as a kid or not at all. That makes sense. Now, I will say I am particularly good at singing Away in a Manger. Classic. Everyone likes that song.
No, obviously we have to include Winter Boogie Woogie. How does that go again? It was a winter boogie woogie and the fireplace was hot.
I heard Santa scream, Hi ho, pick a bobby bobo. The fuck? What? No. You heard Santa scream? Yes. Hi ho, pick a bobby bobo. Why wouldn't he say ho ho ho?
Maybe it's like that donkey song that you were talking about, or like either you heard it a bunch or not at all. This is not like the donkey song. Sounds like the donkey song.
Guys, guys, guys. Why don't we just do It Came Upon a Midnight Clear? Yeah, okay. I can get behind that.
I'm not familiar with that. It sounds like it might be nice, but obviously it goes without saying that we have to include Santa's reindeer threat. I don't know that. I don't know what that is.
I'm gonna kick in the fanny If your reindeer do not go Oh, I'm gonna kick in the fanny If your reindeer do not go You stayed up too late last night And you don't wanna do your job Oh, I'm gonna kick in the fan, fan, fanny If your reindeer do not go It's weird how we don't know any of the same songs. Maybe it's because I'm Catholic, so I know the traditional ones. I know religious songs too. You guys must have heard of Oh Holy Night.
Yes. Yes, okay. There's one. There's one we all know. Awesome. Okay. Oh, it was a Swiss cheese night With those darly rolly polies Jesus Christ is the king to us all Guys.
I have never heard your version. I've never heard your version either. I've never heard your version.
Where did you grow up? Didn't they play normal Christmas songs on the radio? These were the songs my family listened to in Chicago.
Look, I'm just as confused as you guys are. Name another song. There must be one we have in common. Alright, have you ever heard of Sad Sally's Christmas Wish? No. What is that song? Jesus, can you hear me?
I am feeling quite dumb. Mommy and daddy, they don't love each other now. This December is gonna be gloomy. It's gonna be sad for me.
So if you're still listening, please grant me this wish. Katie, that was an insane song. What is this? That's a beautiful song.
If we show up there and look like assholes in front of Rekha, you are going to have to answer for it. Now, what is it going to be?
Man, I used to love singing that song growing up in Chicago. |
cracked | why_every_80_s_sitcom_decided_to_kill_off_the_mom_after_hours | Full house my two dads Different strokes web serve monkey Brewster empty nest blossom silver spoons. Give me a break. Who's the boss? What are we talking about all the 80s sitcoms where the mom is dead or missing? Wait, what no these utensils? I think these are real silver who owns this place now the Queen ain't considering that these were family friendly shows This is a freakish amount of mom corpses way too many to be a coincidence.
Yeah We're just trying to figure out why I'm married to that ring by the way. I have a silver guy It's way up right now, you know, well, you know, some of us are It's not hard.
This is the same age of television that brought a small wonder and elf audiences We're probably just sick of seeing the same nuclear sitcom So then a bunch of hack writers came along and tried to disrupt that by just throwing whatever they could at them I mean cat-eating aliens and robot daughters basement Bayos basement. Really? I always just thought he lived downstairs and it was Understood anyways, why are you surprised that they're subtracting a family member 13 times though and always the mom That's 13 dead or missing moms and 80 sitcoms. That's not an experiment. That's a vendetta Well, what was the first one different strokes 1978s 1986 I know it's not spelled or pronounced that way but we're in public and I don't think I'm allowed to say it The other way it also has maybe the darkest backstory of any sitcom Arnold and Willis have to go live with the Boss of their mother when she dies and it's the staunchy white guy who wants nothing to do with these orphans Because he's still reeling trying to take care of his own daughter after the death of his wife That's two dead moms and count that one. And that show was a big success, right? So there you go I mean the golden rule of television is copy the shit that works and then cover your tracks just enough so we don't get sued That's why we have a billion procedurals with a brilliant yet tactless hero. Oh, what does that say about us today? Maybe we should dive into that kidding me We're hot on the trail of this mom murderer and you want to close the books so we could talk about bones Fuck you Yeah, clearly those shows haven't affected any of us You were saying dance appearing moms was the go-to for over 10 years for these shows and sure Sometimes studios were probably stealing the idea from each other But I don't know that doesn't explain the other side of the equation what other side Why did I want all those dead moms so bad or why did anyone why did audiences tune in week after week to laugh at grieving families?
And abandon children. Maybe that's something to do with what women are supposed to bring to the table.
Be really careful here Figuratively the role of the mother in 70 sitcoms was to be the moral center of the family They were the voice of reason they kept the family cohesive. They were the anchor at the glue I mean look at all in the family The only thing between Archie bunker and a clan rally was Edith happy days partridge family good times Yeah, that checks out. So maybe 80 sitcoms just figured out that it's more fun to take the glue out sit back and watch the family Unravel you kill off the Ned Stark archetype right away. And what do you get dad's burning dinners? by Bros for their daughter wildering sex talks and tampons shenanigans Unaccompanied miners playing in a dump and one of them gets stuck in a fridge That's not funny. That was a very special episode and saved a lot of lives Kate.
Oh my god, you're right Though where was Punky Brewster's foster father? Ah neglect. Think about it Neglect is the best gift a sitcom family can get with neglect Everything is possible the thing Soren said about the mother being the traditional caretaker But also let us not forget the old adage when God closes her casket He does open a window.
That's not a thing.
Suddenly the kids are free to have these big Lawless adventures because dads are just bumbling idiots who are always looking the other way anyway I want to call her but just don't know if it's ethical What would you do that be the blonde you were born to be it's bigger Then sitcoms not necessarily because the moms are gone But every movie with kids in the 80s would not have been possible without parental neglect Goonies ET karate kid monster squad fast trying to bridge one high ladies was really responding to abandonment. Yeah Why I Solved it he says the answer is lupus I'm gonna be so mad that we didn't go with my thing it has to do with a cultural phenomenon that You lucky few probably haven't had to deal with but what over 60% of Americans think about all the time the big D Be really careful here Even if those missing moms gave 80s sitcoms the opportunity to be good I think we can all agree that none of them actually were very entertaining I mean full house was just a series of catchphrases Surrounded by people trying to touch uncle Jesse's hair even though he did not want you to touch his hair And they were still massively successful even though they weren't good because they were scratching a different itch altogether I'm sorry. I'm having trouble paying attention. I keep expecting you to talk about your dick I didn't expect you lucky few to understand I'm talking about divorce My parents are divorced. I'm divorced in the 1980s a lot of states have started enacting the no-fault divorce rule And suddenly people just start getting divorced just because they wanted to by 1985 divorce rates had nearly Doubled and started rising every year after yeah, but these shows are about dead moms not divorced ones. Oh my god He's right It doesn't even matter everyone in America was suddenly worrying or at least Aware of what was gonna happen to all these broken families when the next generation grew up They were worried because family is at the center of the American social structure and that is at the center of the American dream and the center Of that center is the matron core of family values the glue big D So the sitcom acknowledges the problem rips the heart out of the family and then faces that cultural fear and says it's okay Everything is gonna be fine people don't watch my two dads and who's the boss because they're good They watch them because they're comforting even if you didn't grow up with them if you watch them now They're still strangely comforting because that was the whole point. They killed off the mom to show you that American families could still make it What do you think the worst-case scenario was I mean what were people worried? All these kids are gonna grow up and become serial killers I'm probably drug abuse the 80s were big on very special episodes too But then a bunch of those child stars grew up to be drug addicts It's like the whole thing was just an empty promise to divorcees. Oh Oh That makes me uncomfortable Michael not all children of divorce that I'm getting messed up.
I mean I turned out just great No, yeah, you're fine, but I'm talking about oh There's the culprit well, is that mine be really careful here You guys ready to order? Yeah, I'd like my candelabra back for starters two of those We're fighting over a candelabra come back in three minutes. I'll take it shy.
Oh Hey everyone, thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe We had a lot of fun in today's episode, but we talked about some very special episodes, and that's no joke There are a lot of things that you need to think about when you are doing your own show That could be dangerous even deadly. Mm-hmm cups for instance any And I can't quit worked up to eight I was ramping there by going through all the other dangers But yeah, that's really the that's the spectrum |
cracked | the_problem_with_using_time_travel_as_a_murder_weapon_looper_parody | hurts just kill me and get it over with kill ya we're gonna loop you guy you're gonna get looped like the movie looper yeah obviously not like looper that's a movie don't be retarded but like similar like we send you back in time and we got a guy in the past and he's gonna shoot dead in the past shut you up keep you quiet you chump pretty dummy you guys why is that look I mean to decide that you could just shoot me right now what if I get away from the guy in the past the looper or whatever what if he doesn't kill me I mean I'm pretty sure that's the plot of looper ah yeah you like me my fucking eye in my eyeball we know the plot of a looper basically this isn't based on a looper all right we just got a secret organization made up of what we call loopers independent of the movie looper for centuries we didn't know what to call ourselves but then the other day our buddy Todd he sent us a link to that trailer for that movie looper and we were like no doi loopers loopers okay I'm not talking about the trailer for the movie looper I'm talking about real life there are just so many variables that could mess things up for you guys or the timeline or the future time travel is dangerous just in general and dumb dangerous and dumb yeah it could be dumb but like the trailer looks pretty cool getting a lot of good buzz 100% on rock tomatoes again not talking about the trailer for the movie looper nobody ever talked out of getting loops all right you're gonna get looped stop the loop machine okay aside from the dangers of time travel why don't you just send me back to the time before there were humans then I'm no trouble at all wait it's called hours is yeah I don't know how they do it in the movie haven't seen it yet could be like a loop pendant or loop bacteria hell it could just be like just loop it don't know haven't seen it loop machines ready sounds so dumb so does looper if you say it enough times please loopers don't look me no you're gonna get looped it's gonna get real loopy in here so prepare for some loopage so say we loopers all of this has happened before and all of this why I mean this is just this is time travel right so your ideas good but hey even better yet send me back to the time when earth was molten lava hurt before the Sun or hey bloopers best idea of all we should shoot in the head resolve the bodies in a barrel like I'm breaking bad like yeah like I'm breaking bad oh I'm sorry did you want me to say something okay I'm just so used to you only caring about what I'm wearing or my boobs or what I look like but okay I'll tell you what how about you click subscribe and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened |
TheOnion | How_Can_We_Make_The_War_In_Iraq_More_Eco_Friendly | I'm filling in for Clifford Banes, who just isn't on top of his game today.
As part of his new environmental initiative, President Bush this week has pledged to increase the number of hybrid engine aircraft carriers being used in Iraq. Should we be doing more to make the war in Iraq more eco-friendly?
Absolutely. I mean, right now, each country that's engaged in a war is sending in their own separate troop transports. I don't understand why we're not simply carpooling.
Well, you know, the DOD's been testing an experimental new balsa wood, a Black Hawk, which just burns up if it's shot down. No waste at all. And also would use a lot less fuel anyway, because it's a much lighter aircraft. And they're fun to build.
There is talk now of perhaps getting the government to switch to using testicular squeezing instead of the actual electrical testicular torture. There's absolutely no reason that torture should be wasteful. I mean, let's look at the Vietnamese and what they were able to accomplish with some simple bamboo shoots under the fingernails. Good point. It's a very renewable resource. I disagree. If you want to have a successful war, you need to have successful torture techniques, and you're going to need technology for that. Now, I would be behind a clean coal-powered testicle electrocution if that would be possible. Or, Leslie, a wind-powered generator. That has the same shock to the testes. We can go further. You know, the hoods of the prisoners should be made of organic hemp. Now, many environmentalists have recommended that we start looking to third world nations as a model for more eco-friendly strategies. That's great.
The Sudanese have, as you know, a long and bloody history of taking care of their environment. Absolutely. And there's a Sudanese saying that goes, Reek havoc upon your fellow man, but love and protect Mother Earth. There's also North Korea. They have one of the largest armies in the world, but they save a lot of consumption because they simply don't feed them.
Elegant in the simplicity. There's no reason that you have to be emitting a bunch of toxins into the air to destroy a village. Very good point. Hack every living thing, child, woman, man, with a machete. That's zero emissions right there, and that's a step in the right direction. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_family_in_the_attic_snl | Hans! Hans, come and get your dinner before I throw it in the canal! All right! All right, I'm coming!
So, how about things at the Tulip Store today? dull. Holland is a dull country, Sonia. face it. look at these headlands. windmill fixed. man bites cheese. a guy gets a splinter from a pair of wooden shoes. who cares? Hans. Hans, things weren't always so dull here in Holland.
Remember during the war when the Nazis invaded and we hid that family up in the attic? Yeah, but that was 40 years ago. we were so young and idealistic. risking our lives so that others could live in freedom. I wonder what ever became of them after you let them out. Oh, you mean after you let them out. Stop! not that coming, stop! be quiet, little one. who is it? it's us, the gloves. the gloves? think, can't you all ride? Yeah, we're fine. we thought them coming crowds got you. quiet, Dieter. we'll always be such a brat.
Oh, are you my boss? Hello, Mr. Blackman. Ah, how are you?
Now, we were very bad to two of you. it's very dangerous for you to hide us here with the war going on. we were able to make too much noise happen. Oh, no, no. you were so quiet, we almost forgot you were even here.
My goodness, what have you people had to eat all this time? Nothing, not a bite. can I bring you something? No, don't go to anybody. no, no, it's no trouble. Well, I guess after 40 years without eating, I could stuff a little nosh down or something. maybe it's no trouble, of course. it's no trouble. I could force you down. So? so? what's new? not much, what's new with you? not much. you look good. So tell me, how are things going with the war down there?
Sonia! here you go, Mr. Blackman. Oh, thank you, Sonia. thank you so much.
Oh, it's chicken. never mind. I'll eat it anyway. I'll get you something else. No, no, please. I'm just an old man. I have to take what I can get. I can't complain. it's just the grease and the fat. that's all. please, please. let me get you something else. No, really, it's all right. don't leave. it's okay. I'll make you something. don't go through any trouble.
So? so? You were going to tell me how things were going with the war out there, with the Nazis. Well, Mr. Blackman, have you ever thought about what you would do after the war is over? Well, I'm an old man, you know. I don't know, but I'll probably just move in with you guys later on, But if you don't got to worry about that, the war is over. Oh, no. you'd be here. No, I think that I better just tell the truth, And the truth is. if only the school war was over, and we could all go out in the sunshine once again.
I think Pishka's getting a little star-crazy over the years. Oh, yeah, she's bored.
I've only got one comic book, and I've read it 11-dee-zillion times already. all my creative urges are yearning to break free. I'm growing up, and I'm discovering secret places and special tingly feelings. Do you know what that means? No, no, I don't, no. I'm horny. I'm 55 years old. I need a man, and I need him first.
Here are your eggs, Mr. Breckles. Oh, you shouldn't have gone through the trouble. Oh, you marvelous girl. Oh, the Scramble. never mind. I'll eat him anyway. it's all right. Thank you, Trisha. Oh, my good year. I've been laughed in this attic with an old man and my younger brother, the brats. Oh, yeah?
But poo on you, because when we get out of here, I'm gonna kill all those lousy cops. I'll kill them all. one by one, I'll get them. I got you, you cop. I got you. |
cracked | 1_21_08_news_on_cracked_bobby_fischer_british_airways | It's Monday, January 21, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm too sexy for this news. Chessmaster Bobby Fischer is dead. A spokesman for God told the News on Cracked, quote, Check and mate. The undefeated New England Patriots and the often-defeated New York Giants will interrupt several somewhat decent commercials in a couple weeks. I'll look forward to that.
Air crash investigators are still looking into the British Airways jet that had that aborted landing at London Heathrow last week. The investigation team has uncovered this photo, which they believe sheds some light on what may have happened. If you look closely at the photo, you can see that one of those planes appears to be having engine trouble, which I think was the crux of the issue.
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I still have to work. I had a dream, and it involved several girls and copious amounts of Hershey's caramel sauce, and also mine not having to work today. Well, I'm glad someone's dream came true, Marty.
A new study published by the Guttmacher Institute found that the Guttmacher Institute has a ridiculous name, and also that abortions are at their lowest level since 1974. In response to the study, Planned Parenthood has announced a new special, two-for-one deals at a ladies' night every Thursday where chicks get in free, but the unwanted babies get out for half price. That's it for today's edition of the News on Crack. Check back Wednesday when I'll get you next time, Gadget. |
dropout | the_opposite_of_the_friend_zone_getting_girlfriend_zoned | Hey How was that movie? Oh, it was great except when Jared tried to put his arm around my shoulders I heard it when that happens like finally meet a guy that you want to have a long-term meaningful friendship with and he just wants To be a boyfriend. I don't get it.
I'm nice, right? Like I'm a nice girl. Yeah, you're so nice Maybe you're too nice No, like I feel like some guys I don't want to be friends with you if you're assholes to them That makes no sense. Who wants to be friends with an asshole.
I know guys you can't try to understand them They are crazy irrational. Maybe you should just try and be his girlfriend for a while And then like he'll finally get that you're not the one and then be your friend, you know, just wear him down Yeah, maybe it's just so hard though I mean like every time I see him. I just want to like sit on opposite ends of the couch and watch scandal. Oh Oh God, I feel like that never works. Anyway, like one time I bagged this guy and he just never got the picture Like we were actually married for like two years before I finally woke up. I was like, hello He doesn't want to be friends with you. Oh, wow. I never even knew that. Are you guys still in touch? No, he can't be off. Like I don't get it. Like why am I the creep in this situation? He's giving off total friend vibes. I mean we would go shopping together We talked about non vaginal waxing one time. He sat on me and That's total French Total yeah, I'm sad about it though. Like I still have a lot of platonic feelings towards him. That is sad Yeah, you guys, you know what?
Fuck it. Let's go put on some jeans and t-shirts And meet some people with similar interests and So great Hey Beth, do you want to go to do it? Will there be other people there? Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's gonna be like a ton of people. It's a communal table thing. Oh then sure cool Well, then I'll text you these details. We'll see you tonight. See you guys In a totally platonic way, thank God And then they like just want a date You know It's insanity.
She doesn't deserve you man Yeah, you know, I just want to find a nice girl that deserves me. I think that that squirrel is dead |
TheOnion | Bob_Dylan_Lays_Off_2_000_Workers_From_Songwriting_Factory | Following the news this week that recording artist and industry magnate Bob Dylan would be laying off 2,000 workers from his Muscatine, Iowa songwriting factory in an effort to streamline his music making operations, The Onion spoke with veteran factory worker Travis Felton, who received a pink slip earlier today. I've been working on the lyric assembly line for 25 years now. Punch in each and every morning, make sure the words are complex and poetic and yesterday the foreman calls me into his office to tell me that the company is reducing headcount. They're giving the whole rhyming section the boot. It's a hell of a thing to find out after you've been churning out verses all day. The mass layoffs which follow years of financial losses dating back to the 2006 Modern Times rollout come as Dylan attempts to stay afloat amid increasing outsourcing from industry rivals such as Van Morrison, Leonard Cohen, Neil Young and the E Street Song Corp. Dylan released a statement earlier today saying while we appreciate the efforts of our loyal staff of rhythm fitters, metaphor galvanizers, bassline mounters and symbolism press operators, we must eliminate composition inefficiencies if we are to continue generating profits for our shareholders. However, such reasoning is little consolation to the longtime factory employees who find themselves struggling to find work in the once proud American songwriting industry. What Mr. Dylan and the other suits don't understand is that here in Muscatine, songwriting is all we have and we've been doing the best damn Dylan songs in the world for over 50 years and now they're trying to take that away from us. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. Well, I guess I could see if they're hiring over at the Tom Petty factory in Hurstville. Lord knows I hoped it'd never come to that. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | modern_american_history_as_taught_by_batman_movies | Americans have been watching Batman movies off and on for the past 50 years. The only other character we've been watching for that long is James Bond. The same number of people have played both guys. Consequently, by examining the themes of a particular decade's Batman movie, you can construct a fairly accurate picture of what the average American's life was like at the time. They're like little time capsules wearing adorable rabbit ears. The original Batman TV show and subsequent feature film premiered in 1966, when America was feeling pretty goddamn good about itself.
We bounced back from the Great Depression, successfully shamed Hitler into killing himself, and prevented the spread of communism into South Korea by hopping into a war that's still not officially over. We were much more into frivolity and irreverence, which is why 60s Batman is way more in common with Rowan and Martin's laugh-in than the brooding murder detective he had been in the comics of the 30s and 40s. He's a wealthy dude, kicking back and taking it easy, just like America was. Any crime fighting that happened was incidental to driving around in an awesome car and dancing with scandily-clad women. He tells corny jokes, he hangs out in nightclubs, and generally just really enjoys being a 40-year-old man indulging in youth culture. Surely America had earned this, right? It was a rough first half of the century, but now we're all about the good life.
But that feeling started drying up as the decade wound down and Batman was canceled in 1968, just two months after the Tet Offensive. The first real evidence that maybe America wasn't gonna win this whole Vietnam thing. The same kids that watched Batman and were riding that America is awesome high protested the war two years later at Kent State and were gunned down by the National Guard. Two years after that was the Watergate scandal.
Ever since, it's been real tough to feel ourselves on every level like we did when Adam West was doing the Batusi. We didn't see the Cape Crusader again until the 1980s in Tim Burton's Batman. Batman is set in a heightened reality during a time period that's deliberately ambiguous. The modern clothing and computer technology used by characters in the film stand in contrast to the old-fashioned automobiles and architecture that populate the city.
Point is, the movie could have taken place in 1949 or 1989. It's pure escapism into a fantasy world, something that films of the 1980s represented more than any other decade in the history of cinema.
The Cold War loomed above with the ever-present threat of nuclear war and communist invasion. The lower class is the poorest it had ever been. We'd just come out of a decade of gas shortages and terrorism, providing America with a sobering notion that the country could suddenly find itself at the mercy of a global community that seemed to grow more terrifying every day.
The 1980s was a decade when people went to the movies to see Luke Skywalker and Rambo to forget about how bewilderingly powerless they suddenly felt. Tim Burton wove those elements into Batman by presenting larger-than-life characters in a time and place disconnected from the real world, yet still relevant to it. Batman Returns is a revenge movie, an indictment of the richest few Americans in the 1980s who became the wealthiest they had ever been in the history of the nation. Thanks, Ronald Reagan.
The Penguins' mother and father are clearly portrayed as being part of this elite percentage of people in the short time they're on screen, and their defining action in the film is to throw their infant son into a river because he's deformed. This is a family that could conceivably have paid for any treatments or surgeries their son would need, but instead decided they would rather drown their child than live with his deformity. Later in the film, it's revealed that the Penguins' ultimate plan is to kidnap and murder all the firstborn children of Gotham, left home alone and unguarded while their parents attend Christopher Walken's costume party.
And although we can hardly blame them, who wouldn't go to that party? I would go to that party?
This suggests that the city's elite are more concerned with a trivial display of their status than the safety and well-being of their children. The Penguin himself is a manifestation of his parents' evil and thus a manifestation of the evils of all the wealthy. His physical deformities are their moral deformities. Tim Burton is attacking the class of Americans that dominated in the 1980s, and in doing so, he's expressing the frustration and resentment felt by the lower classes, and he was not invited back.
Batman Forever was released in 1995 with an entirely new cast and a new director, Joel Schumacher. It came out in an America six years removed from the Cold War and four years from a massive victory in the Persian Gulf on a pretty big economic upswing. The nation was the most confident it had been in decades, and as such, audiences were less interested in the Gothic fairy tale escapism of the previous two films and were much more into revisiting the campy self-indulgence of the 60s TV show, only this time starring a profusely nippled Batman with a borderline weaponized codpiece. Batman Forever is a product of an America running free after a decade of fear and financial strife. While it certainly is escapism, because superhero movies have difficulty avoiding that label, the film was produced at a time when the average audience didn't really have much to escape from. The mid-90s saw no great enemy and no great crisis. Batman Forever's escapism for its own sake, like when you go to a friend's house and they order pizza and you just jackhammer like five slices even though you ate before you came. Schumacher's next Batman film, 1997's Batman and Robin, goes even further beyond the pale of hedonism and uncertainty. In fact, it went too far, blurring the line of ironic self-awareness so much that people didn't feel like spending their money on Batman movies anymore.
Much of the woe of Pat Hingle. This is the hangliest movie series ever created.
Christopher Nolan rebooted the Batman series in 2005 with Batman Begins, nearly a full decade after Batman and Robin. The American landscape had changed completely following 9-11. The country had been suddenly and violently pulled from the contented apathy of the 90s into a state of constant fear and panic over the threat of terrorism, and every movie in the Nolan series is a reflection of that. In Batman Begins, Ra's al Ghul's goal was the downfall of Western society, more specifically, the punishment of Western capitalism. Liam Neeson is basically Al-Qaeda, if Al-Qaeda had ninjas in a giant microwave. Terrorists are also the villains in The Dark Knight and the final turd knot in Cinematic Coil, The Dark Knight Trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises. The Joker's a domestic terrorist, and like most domestic terrorists, he's the only primary villain in the series that isn't killed during his apprehension. The League of Shadows returns in The Dark Knight Rises with Bane and Talia al Ghul as their leaders, two delightfully accented global terrorists from a far-easter nation where everything exists in a perpetual shade of brown. The color America fears most. And that's what both America and Batman in the 2000s and onward has been all about, fear. The plot of Batman Begins is about a terrorist literally using fear to destroy Gotham City, and outside of Batman, Alfred, Jim Gordon, and Hollywood's favorite plot de-ridiculizer, Morgan Freeman, the only character to appear in all three films in the Nolan trilogy is the Scarecrow. He even becomes the judge at the Hunger Games version of Gotham City, which, whether intentionally or not, seems to be a reflection of the fear-based legislation that has plagued America since 2001. Then we got to take a four-year breath before experiencing Zack Snyder's Batman, and Batman v Superman, this title has too many words in it.
He's older, tired, and angry at all the criminals and superpowered terrorists that just seem to keep popping back up no matter what he does. Batflex's grizzled, jaded worldview is the same as America's in 2016. We've spent a decade and a half fighting an enemy every bit as nebulous and decentralized as the criminality he's vowed to destroy. And just like America, he's willing to justify using more extreme methods to deal with them, including brutality and torture.
Also, Batman is terrified of a future he imagines in which Superman has taken over. He spends the entire movie hating the Man of Steel for no real reason beyond the fact that he's an alien. Batman assigns his fears to Superman because he's a space immigrant that can't be trusted, and that's the sentiment bubbling in America and the post-Brexit world today, right down to us rooting for an unhinged billionaire who looks ridiculous, but pretends that he doesn't, and everyone else just sort of goes along with it. Can you imagine what Batman's tweets would look like? It's gonna be a long four years of Justice League movies!
Hey guys, thanks for watching that. Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history? I know that's the sort of thing you'd typically hear from a 50-year-old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms, I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting, even to a person who's never been to an orgy. Anyways, that's not just the more-you-know style public service announcement, it's what our live podcast is about this month. So Saturday, February 11th, 7 p.m., me and Michael Swam, Teresa Lee, are gonna be talking to Dr. Christopher Ryan, who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long, long time ago when humans were just starting to, you know. Tickets are $7, they usually sell it pretty quickly, so click on the link somewhere on your screen now, if that sounds interesting to you. |
TheOnion | Pork_Marathon_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_5 | What are you talking about?
She's in Roseville Hospital. She cut her deeply with a large glass piece. How could you let that happen? Don't let her leave the hospital. Hey everybody, we're porkin' at top speed today because my niece is in rehab and I've just learned that she's been stabbed by a maniac with a broken piece of glass.
We're tasting prime pork dishes in every state reunion. And I'm not done until I hit them all. This is Jim Haggerty, porkin' across America. Well today we're running the New England Pork Marathon. Six pork dishes, six dates in 24 hours. Porkin' fast, porkin' with a purpose. Pork, pie, Amish?
Yes please. If we pull together and focus on the pork at hand today, I'll be able to spend a few uninterrupted hours with my niece in the hospital tomorrow. I mean family does come first, but missing out on even a single pork dish would be a tragedy. That's food! So it's only an extra 260 miles, I think that's totally doable in a day. Your call Jim. Well, she wouldn't mind, I mean she doesn't want to ruin my show and we don't want her feeling any worse about being stabbed.
The Up and Atoms staff of Tacos Mexico in Sharon, Connecticut came in at the crack of dawn to dish up some delicious pork sausages. The grill's not really hot yet because normally they don't open until nine, but You know, I like my sausages al dente. Those look fine, let's just eat them. I just put them on, they're raw. Great sausage! No time to waste. Hot dogs are fully cooked before they're packaged, so I imagine sausages are sort of like that too. Let's go, let's go, we only have one day to pork our way to my staff.
Nisha, watch it, careful! Oh my God.
Rhode Island may be the smallest state, but Elda's Diner still packs a gigantic pork flavor. Well, there's pork on the menu, so we're all right there, how are we on gas? Alrighty, let's dig in. I used to make all the sausages myself, but we do it a little different here, do you want to know how?
I mean we got it covered, thank you very much, that was terrific, Edna, thanks a lot. Now I know why they don't eat pork in the real marathons. I've got to clear a little room for more. Wow, that was good.
Okay, so we're running a little behind schedule now, but like the Boston-based band Aerosmiths sang, I don't want to miss a thing of pork. I'll be there in nine hours, tell her to hang on. Oh, no, no, no, no! Here, bring these out in there too. I don't want this to take too long. No use crying over spilled blood, we've got to move if I'm going to get to visit Hannah in the hospital.
Chef Tony Cho is not an American, but here at the Beijing Palace, he puts some Stars and Stripes flair into that old Chinese classic, Pork Mooshu. You don't have to explain it all to him, just have him make the Mooshu, okay? Chef Tony says you have blood on your face. It's not mine, it's not important. Apparently making Pork Mooshu is extremely complicated. This is our special marinade. Right, the sauce, so we get it. Can you tell him to make the fast Mooshu?
He says no. Oh, hold on. Yeah, look Doreen, we're just going to have to find out if that sludge is really coming from my pipes. I mean, these could be isolated incidents. I don't have time for this, hold on.
You suffered third degree burns on your arms from the scalding pot and on your torso and back from when you rolled over onto that flat top grill. They did an emergency skin graft while you were under. Since you still don't have insurance, we went with the most affordable option, which was pigskin. They put pigskin on my hands and arms.
And back. He said the color's going to be different, but it'll feel somewhat similar and it will itch for a few months, but you'll get used to it. Where's the doctor?
He said you can't afford him, so I let him go.
Is that? It's your blood transfusion. Never mind that.
Getting a skin graft took longer than I would have hoped. Good thing it's a short drive from Boston to Manchester, New Hampshire. Two more meals to go. Here we are at another pork place.
Looks like we have a bit of a line, but don't worry, I know just what to do. Time to work some TV magic. Excuse me, we got to get these cameras through, everybody.
Excuse me. Thank you. Excuse me.
Hey, watch it. I just got out of the hospital. Excuse me. Oh. It's pig's blood, relax. Asshole. I own it. Hey.
Well, we stopped there. That counts. Let me just pick up some jerky at a gas station. We got to keep moving.
Hello. Hey, Phil, listen, I wanted to check in on Hannah. I know I said to be there in nine hours, but I had to get a skin graft. How's she doing?
She's going.
Oh, no. No, that's not possible.
I only had one restaurant left. I'm almost there.
Honestly, Jim, I feel sorry for you. What? For me? Holy hell, Phil. I'm so sorry. Hello?
So, another great episode of Pork and Across America in the books. I want to dedicate this episode to my niece, Hannah, who had her problems with fracture, but that doesn't mean she deserved to be stabbed. At one point, she was a beautiful girl who probably loved pork. Love you, Hannah.
Rest in peace.
What is the biggest rock? I'm not telling you anything that every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
dropout | stay_awake_contest_ft_ben_schwartz | What's wrong? Dear God. What's wrong? Dear God.
My great canir. Yeah. Unbelievable.
Is that a blue ray or? It's actually a flattened down smushed VHS. It's a broken VHS. Do you have a player that plays broken VHS?
I do not. They don't make this. We'll toss it.
Holy smoke. What? Kate Winslet. Harvey Cattell. Holy smoke. Yeah.
Have you ever seen it? I have not.
What's the point?
You think you can stay away longer than me. I know I can stay away longer than you. You really genuinely think you can stay away longer. I bet you 20 bucks I can stay away longer than you.
Let's make it uneven. Twenty. One. It's been interesting. Twenty-one dollars. I only have 20. Okay.
And I don't have a wallet. So may I borrow? I'll bet you 20 bucks I can stay away longer than you.
Let's do it. This isn't a staring contest, is it? No, we can blame. We can do it every morning. Right. But there should be rules. Yes, ground rules. Go.
No sleeping. No jeeping. No slacking. No slatting. No writing. No prizes.
And pies. And pies of all sizes. Especially. No ground rules.
I'm fading fast. I'm honestly just about to pulse. How long has it been? When I touch my finger at the table, we've officially been through seven seconds.
You know I've never seen any movie that takes place around an ocean. That's not true. We saw Jaws together. That's the one. You saw 20,000 of these on the scene. So two out of like. You love Titanic. Okay, you know what it is? I've seen every movie about the ocean. Have you seen the documentary Oceans? No. I said Oceans? Yes, I've seen that one. It's a good one, right? It's about the ocean. Yeah. Have you ever seen a movie that has nothing to do with the ocean? No, I don't think so. Have you seen Rocky? Yes.
What are you going to do if you win with the 20 bucks? I'm going to get $20 worth of quarters. Eighty quarters. I haven't thought that far ahead.
All my family and all my friends are there. And we're all just so happy. We're like crying. We're just holding each other. We can't even contain our happiness.
What's your biggest fear? Love you. Please don't leave me. I'll do anything.
One night. You're going to throw it all away for one night. What's the point?
No phone, man. It's not plugged in, man.
All right. I'm sorry. That was a mirror. Oh, man. This is it. You're going to sleep? No. This is it. Oh, my God. Everybody looks like Ferris Bueller from up here. Yeah.
Got me a car. It's eight about 20, so come on. I'm bringing your jukebox money.
You know that song, right? I've never heard it. You just sat along with the end of it. I know. It felt like it was going there, but I've never heard that song.
You're a huge B-52s, man. Huge rock lobster like changed my life for real.
And you never heard of Love Shack. Yeah. It's called Love Shack, right? Yeah.
Hey, how many pubes do you have? Maybe like 500. 500? Why how many do you have? Normal. More than one. Why more than one? Cool.
I win. I win! I win, I win, I win, I win, I win. I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win. I win, I win, I win. I win, I win.
Holy smoke. Check out the set. Thank you. |
dropout | bp_turnaround_parody | It comes a time when you know you've got to make a change. You can't lead a company like this unless you love oil. I love oil. I love crude oil.
I do. I love it. We all do.
Then, this happened. Okay, first your rig sink and then your blowout preventer couldn't be activated? I mean, come on. Is that hard to watch? Uh, yeah. Hard watch. Your submersible robot wasn't able to stop the leak at all. Your top kill and jump shot totally failed. That one is a downer. Serious boo-boo.
A containment dome? Where's the love? It's a reinforced pyramid funnel construct. A stainless steel remote gate latch operating chassis. It doesn't feel like there's that much love in the containment dome.
It really gets you right here. I mean, always, always.
Now, most companies would find a way to hide something like that. But we face it. After all, that's what's driving us to be better. Who are we? British Petroleum. What did we win? We love the fishing industry. At first, we thought, let's figure out a way to solve this. To make sure that it never happens again. But when that failed, we decided, why fix the spill when we can fix the brand?
We're rebranding everything. Our name, our logo, our faces. British Petroleum? Never heard of them. Say hello to Baby Autospiles & Company. We have a whole new logo.
It's an auto. Completely clean. Smiling. Not dead. That's it.
It's amazing how alive it is. Basically, a problem is welling up, leading to awareness and negativity. And as that problem rises, we're putting a big dome over the whole thing. It's brilliant. We are headed to show our logo off to the wife of a fisherman on the Louisiana coast. I think she's going to be really surprised.
Hi. Who are you? We used to be British Petroleum, but we've heard your complaints. And now where? Baby Autospiles & Company. Okay, you guys are monsters. We used to be monsters, but now where?
Baby Autospiles. She seemed so surprised. |
TheOnion | Scientists_No_Closer_To_Understanding_How_Pressing_Buzzer_Unlocks_Door_The_Topical_Ep_46 | apartment door buzzers they can unlock doors from far away really far away in some buildings but how do they work scientists have no idea so I'm going to try and find out from the onion and onion public radio this is the topical I'm Leslie price and after three days I really think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole self-isolation thing stay with us the topical is presented by cash app the easiest way to send and receive money it's April Fool's Day so you've probably seen lots of brands out there trying to play funny little tricks on you so you'll think oh aren't they fun well not cash app it's the number one finance app in the App Store for a reason buddy and that reason isn't because it's run by a bunch of liars so download now and for this month only if you use promo code topical you'll get a free $10,000 starting bonus courtesy of cash app go ahead and try it cash app download today how many of us press a buzzer like this every day whether it's to let a delivery guy up or to greet a loved one the apartment door buzzer brings joy into our buildings and our lives but upon closer look this seemingly simple piece of technology appears to bring with it more questions than answers like does the buzzing actually unlock the door or is it just a signal that says the door is unlocked what kind of wiring does it take to make this work for me and all my neighbors could it be a complex pulley system lining the inside of our walls or satellite technology or perhaps something even more sinister is at play I'm Leslie H price and this is an OPR investigative unit investigation why are you bothering me with this it's two in the goddamn morning what you're hearing is me reading to you a transcription of a phone call with my landlord Arthur after I confronted him about his knowledge of how our building intercom system works I would play the audio of the call for you but I forgot to record it look Leslie I'm sorry I yelled I understand you might be lonely all this seclusion can be very hard on a person if you need someone to talk to you can call me anytime just please not in the middle of the night I have children Arthur never struck me as a man with something to hide but as his anger grew it became very clear he did not want me to find out anything about what lies inside these walls if I was ever going to find the truth I would have to find it alone which sucks because if I had two people I could just press the button upstairs and the other person could stand downstairs and just tell me what the hell's going on but as a founding member of the public radio investigators coalition I knew anything worth doing was worth doing by myself I mean how hard could it be I'll just press the button run downstairs and see if the doors still open when I get down there I can do this god damn it okay here we go oh it locked oh man oh okay how about this I'll just tape down the buzzer and see if I could follow the wiring down oh I think I can hear it it's like a hydraulic system but with magnets oh fuck I'd lost the signal God if I can just get someone to stand at the halfway point I'll really crack this thing oh sir sir excuse me sir I need your help I'm coughing because I'm winded not because I'm sick terrible you seen a doctor no I'm fine I'm fine just forget I even said anything hey everybody there's a guy in there with coronavirus and he's touching all the buzzers call someone coming up next on the topical we oh damn it I missed I missed the top step again I'll just play the ad oh is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals are you tired of 911 operators telling you that it's an emergency line and that you crying over days gone by is in fact not an emergency and even if it wasn't just an emergency line they certainly wouldn't have any interest in listening to you talk about your feelings because I know I sure am my job is so important I have to keep the line clear wah wah wah bunch of pretentious jerks well luckily there's a better way to express all those feelings in a more productive way and that's with better help better help assesses your needs and matches you with your own licensed professional therapist securely and online you'll get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions and with this special offer for topical listeners you can get 10% off your first month at better help dot-com slash topical I would take advantage of this amazing deal myself but I'm actually doing just fine here all by myself with no one else around yep just find just fine anyway that's better help h-e-l-p dot-com slash topical and now for some breaking news that's unfolding right here in New York City it's being reported that several armed gunmen entered the Hamamoto building earlier today seizing the 86 story high-rise and taking over a hundred people inside hostage I'm joined by OPR correspondent Trisha Devereaux hello Trisha hello Leslie you're looking incredibly handsome today please Trisha our hot passionate affair was a mistake I love my wife I'm sorry you're right it's okay I understand as much as our strong and supple bodies desire each other's embrace it is forbidden now Trisha what can you tell us about this incident the men identified themselves as a radical German terrorist group seeking the freedom of their associate dr.
Otto Blankenbeckler who was arrested in 2015 for attempting to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge here's some audio from the scene as the terrorists shot a semi-automatic rifle out a window to help keep police from approaching the building fall back fall back your hydro chance to comply met our demands and have failed I'm afraid that I will have to impose a severe penalty he's got a hostage chief let's not do anything crazy son let the hostage go now fuck you'll have three more hours to comply or another hostage goes bye-bye that sound you just heard was the hostage being thrown out of a 20th floor window in his body hitting the ground below dear God Oh Leslie hold me I'm so frightened who is this monster why I'd recognize that voice anywhere Hans Kaiser we were in special ops together in Afghanistan we were like brothers then we discovered he was a German spy who had infiltrated our ranks he's cunning malicious and clinically insane but he's no terrorist he's no doubt after the 800 million dollars in bearer bonds stored in Hamamoto's vault bring bring bring bring hello well well well you finally figured it out old friend I knew that bugging the studio of the world's number one daily news podcast would come in handy one day Hans Kaiser to what do I owe the pleasure we have unfinished business what do you say to an exclusive all access in-person interview Leslie I say you're on excellent sandy and I look forward to your attendance sandy if you lay one hand on my wife Kaiser it'll be the last thing you do see you soon mr. price click Oh Leslie don't go stay here with me I have to Trish he's got sandy you're right at least let me say goodbye Oh Leslie Oh Leslie hang on what is that noise where is that coming from okay it stopped up where were we oh right oh yeah god damn it okay I can't concentrate where is this noise it's like a yeah it's like a scratching sound what the hell is that okay it's it's it's like it's coming from inside the walls but it's not no it's done okay well thank you to OPR is Trisha Devereaux and to our audience for listening to this breaking story that you won't find anywhere else join me tomorrow when I sit down with known terrorist murder and former colleague Hans Kaiser atop the Hamamoto building as he dangles my beautiful but estranged wife who was still madly in love with me 1,000 feet over the streets below what is that noise lops together in Afghanistan we were like brothers then we discovered he was a German spy who had infiltrated our ranks he's cunning malicious and clinically insane but he's no terrorist he's no doubt after the 800 million dollars in bearer bonds stored in Hamamoto's vaults bring bring bring bring hello well well well you finally figured it out old friend I knew that bugging the studio of the world's number one daily news podcast would come in handy one day hunts Kaiser to what do I owe the pleasure we have unfinished business what do you say to an exclusive all-access in-person interview Leslie I say you're on excellent sandy and I look forward to your attendance lastly lastly help sandy if you lay one hand on my wife Kaiser it'll be the last thing you do see you soon mr. price click Oh Leslie don't go stay here with me I have to Trish he's got Sandy you're right at least let me say goodbye Oh Leslie Oh Leslie hang on what is that noise where is that coming from okay it stopped where were we oh right yeah god damn it okay I can't concentrate where is this noise it's like a it's like a scratching sound what the hell is that okay it's it's it's like it's coming from inside the walls but it's not oh it's done okay well thank you to OPR is Trisha Devereaux and to our audience for listening to this breaking story that you won't find anywhere else join me tomorrow when I sit down with known terrorists murder and former colleague Hans Kaiser atop the Hamamoto building as he dangles my beautiful but estranged wife who was still madly in love with me 1,000 feet over the streets below what is that noise |
wearethesundayblues | behind_the_lols_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | They had it all. Fame, fortune, free beer. Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues were on top of the world. But a string of tasteless jokes and cheap gimmicks led to a destructive downward spiral. The only thing left to hold on to, being hope itself. This is Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues, Behind the Lols.
Nick came to me one afternoon with the basic idea and outline for the Broadway parody concept. I'd been stuck at home all day and the only thing on TV was Big Bang Theory. So after watching that, anything else seemed funny really. We kind of watched it on the day, watching the views pile up on YouTube, thinking this is a success story in the making. It felt like when I watched it, it felt like I was waking up from a long, boring dream. And then I woke up because of Briday. Look, when I saw Briday, I didn't just see a viral video.
I saw a cash cow. You know what I do with cash cows?
I molt them. I molt them dry. So I signed them immediately. We were on the cover of the biggest magazines, Heat magazine, Flay's Knit, Briar Times.
We couldn't go anywhere. I mean, I personally couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't when Briday broke. Mainly because my car was broken down at the time.
The world was thinking, what's coming next? What's coming next?
Eventually, a Car God song comes out. I really enjoyed the Car God song. It was awesome.
But now I feel guilty giving them under five rand. People started saying they felt guilty. They started giving fives instead of twos. And I went from nothing to twos, which was good. So I think eventually I'll be giving a five.
I think I should start Car Guarding. It's more profitable than stand up comedy. I was excited about what's happening next. Where are these guys going next? Please don't vomit on me.
Briday song was great. The Car God song took it to a new level. The third one? Some people thought we were being a little too hasty, you know, shooting another video so soon after the Car God song.
But we didn't see a problem. No, I didn't.
I thought it was great. I mean, look at Rihanna. She puts out a music video every couple of hours. It was good.
A bit desperate, I thought. It seemed like they were just trying to rush to get something out. Our new video had great human themes. Love, loss, betrayal.
And that resulted in our next video, some budgie that I used to know. Wish that I had closed the door. Paid more attention to the fact that your wings need clipping. You're probably halfway to Brazil. But now you're just some budgie that I used to know. Some budgie that I used to know. Now you're just some budgie that I used to know. No, that song was a bit close to home for me. I had a budgie once that flew away to be in some better place.
It didn't fly away. Mum just told you that. You fed it too much and it died.
Body paint. Nudity. Too arty, that's the thing. You know what gets laughs? Fake moustaches. That's comedy.
Some budgie that I used to know, in my opinion, was a great piece of art. It's pretty obvious, I thought, that the budgie is a metaphor for society.
Society is feeling caged in and they've got nowhere to look but at themselves in a tiny swinging mirror. Surrounded by bits of newspaper and their own droppings. Yeah, and it's like the politicians and the media have draped a towel of silence over that cage.
Frankly, I don't see how people couldn't see that. Look, when I saw it hadn't gotten 50,000 hits within the first hour of going online, it didn't appear on the front page of T-Ocean's vibe. I fired them without hesitating. I just don't work with rubbish like that.
When our label and our management dropped us, we didn't really know where to turn. We heard that to make it really big in this country, you've got to crack it off of the Collins Market. We did a little bit of research into that. We looked at Chris Camelion, Corinne Zoidberg. Darren Kurtz. We watched a lot of MK and noticed that there was one phase that kept reoccurring.
We saw in dozens of music videos and it became very clear to us that in order to have a successful Afrikaans music video, you have to have Bo Bosch. That guy's been in more music videos than songs he's written. I think he's been in more music videos than songs he's heard.
The guys approached me online, they asked me if I wanted to be involved in this project. They asked me if I wanted to be involved in Afrikaans. I asked them if I wanted to be involved in this project. They asked me if I wanted to be involved in this project.
It's not me in the video. How could they do this? People call me up, they go, Bo, why do you appear in such crappy music videos these days, including the Fatman Joel one? I may speak like a white man, but I'm still terrible Afrikaans. And even I could tell that was an utter buyer cuck song. Yeah, I don't even know why Bo Bosch agreed to be in that video.
And then just when you thought, okay, it's not going to get any worse, they do the band photographs thing. With the Photoshop faces on top of cuck bands. Like Die Antwoord, Lock and Voll, the pilot tones and even Roxette.
Embarrassing. With nothing left to lose, Gareth took it upon himself to host his own cooking show, Game of Scones. Not to be outdone, Nick hastily conceived a cooking show of his own. The dubiously named, Kif Chef. Both were poorly received.
Look, we're not going to get into the past now. But let's just say Game of Scones was award worthy. Let's not say that. Let's not say that at all.
Let's say that Game of Scones was a cooking show and Kif Chef... Well it was. It was a cooking show. It was. Kif Chef was more of a cooking experience. Yeah, the experience of being bored.
And that was really the lowest of the low. And that was the end of the road. Yeah, it seemed like the end of the road for us. I think we were pretty much about to throw in the towel. Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues had hit rock bottom.
But little did they know that something big was about to happen. Something really big.
I've always loved dogs. I mean, what's there not to love? They're proud, majestic and above all loyal.
I mean, when have you heard of a guide cat? Well that's right.
Coco plays football. She's amazing on the ball. She stays on her feet much longer than Cristiano Ronaldo. I can tell you that. And she's a great dribbler on and off the pitch.
So we thought, look, it would be nice for relatives overseas to see Coco's skills. Filmed her on my phone. Uploaded it to YouTube. Sent them the link.
Watched a game of scones and then called it a night. We could never have expected what was to come next. Never in a million years.
It went viral. Faster than Justin Bieber, I believe. And millions of hits. And Coco, the superstar football player, was born.
So we woke up the next morning and there was just hundreds of voicemails. Yeah, our inboxes were overflowing with messages from TV, radio, magazines. All wanting an interview. Yeah, it was very overwhelming.
Yeah, very. Just when you think you've heard the last of Derek Watts in the Sunday blues. Boom. Dog video.
This is genius. It was genius. I actually phoned my agent and I was like, why didn't I think of that?
She didn't have an answer. She couldn't say.
Such an amazing move. It seemed like they'd been planning it right from the start. Just this massive comeback. Great video. Great breakthrough again for us. I can't explain it.
It was trending on Twitter. It was massive. Millions of views. It wasn't even your video, though. Yeah, but it was getting out there. It was being seen. Very, very popular. Everyone was talking about this video. Millions of views. It was huge.
But you didn't upload it. The real Derek Watts uploaded it.
Hang on. Settle down now. I don't understand. Who's side are you on?
You do realize that we are Derek Watts. The two of us. We Derek Watts. He's Derek Watts. It's like... It's like a Derek Watts... under the Derek Watts umbrella. It's like a Derek Watts understanding.
Not the band. Are you sure? Yeah, we confirmed that. They claimed it was their video. I mean, they had all those interviews.
Is this about money? It's always about money. Do you want some?
He was cool with that. He just let them do it. He let them take the glory.
So I thought, well, let me be the bigger man. Well, I am. I'm six foot six, after all.
But, yeah, let them have some time in the sun. They've been through a rough patch. Let them take the glory. I don't mind. What an amazing man. Back in the spotlight and back on top. Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues were now ready to reclaim their rightful place as South Africa's most loved parody duo of all time. Ever.
Yeah, things are going really great for us. MC Tongs wants to work with us again on a reality show. Yeah, it's going to be a good show, I think. And Odd Matthews has even dropped his restraining order against us. That's pretty good. So, yeah, things are good.
So good to see Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues motivated back on top. Yeah, we go through a lot in this country and these guys have a rare talent to make us laugh at ourselves. And also, I was a bit tired of having my name associated with constant failure. Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues. Yes, I did see the dog video and I'm, yeah, glad they're back on top. I just hope they learn some lessons along the way.
Have you guys learned anything from this? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, we learned it's not about, you know, cheap gimmicks and rehash stereotypes. You know, you've got to have, you know, good quality work, you know. Well, who's this? Yeah. You guys were planning to make a dog video, weren't you? Well, we were told they're really good at, you know, skateboarding, windsurfing. You know, we went and got him. Hasn't done any of that. Yeah, it's a bit of a let down, really. Did you? No, that is... Oh, come on, man. Oh, for...
I look like a damn Lego man. I have Lego man here.
Where's my fringe? I literally just cut the back and sides of your hair. I'm not paying for this. This is nonsense. I didn't ask you for that. You're fired. Sir, I own the shop. I don't care. You're fired. Oh, I'm keeping this.
Does that happen quite often? Yeah. Every week. |
cracked | the_greatest_harry_potter_sequel_we_ll_never_get_to_see_today_s_topic | Hey, why hasn't anyone found Hogwarts yet? Well we're trying, you know, but I mean, even with all our sophisticated tracking technology it's still f***ing fictional! So if you're asking me if we have like a ballpark date of when we think that we'll locate, then no, we don't have that yet.
Hi! In the books! Oh, in the books!
Why haven't non-wizards found Hogwarts yet? You're telling me that with all of Muggle technology, GPS and Snapchat and whatnot, no one has proof of magic. Like there'd be a Google Earth image of a smudge of a dragon flying from nothing, or like some stupid wizard kids would accidentally foursquare themselves with a leaky cauldron.
Alright, I'm gonna stop you right there and say that you can stop right there. J.K. Rowling explicitly said that the last book takes place when the first book came out, 1998, so smartphones weren't even a thing yet. Not everything is stupid. Sure it is.
No, the Muggles would find out from the kids. For the first 11 years of a wizarding kid's life, they're just like out in the world being, going to kindergarten and elementary school like you did, or do? Like you did. Then they turn 11 and they're shipped off to Hogwarts, so what happens when they come back from school?
PARTY! Harry! Hardy! Harry Partier!
No, no, no, at the end of the school year. At the end of the school year, they come home, some of them to Muggle parents. What happens when all of their childhood friends start asking them about their year?
Who said your good boyfriend? Or like want to talk about TV or movies or any current event of the past year?
They can't? They can't!
So wizard kids, for an entire year, were consumed by the events of the wizarding world. They're going to come back from the summer and be dumber than all of their Muggle friends. Uh, yeah, I was at boarding school for like a year, but they're not so good on the math and the science and we don't have TV or the internet and also I don't know who the president is.
But hey, do you want to play basketball or video games? Because I don't know how! I can only play Quidditch. What's Quidditch?
I have to erase your memory now. Yeah. It's a completely unsustainable way of life because 11 year olds are terrible at keeping secrets.
And even if they weren't, 15 years would roll around and then we'd have smart phones and stuff and we would find Hogwarts. Bleeding to the best Harry Potter sequel of all time! You're so excited. Did not intend for that. The Muggles would find out about the wizarding world. Someone would snap a photo of something magical like a kid running into a brick platform at a train station in broad daylight and disappearing or a high ranking government official on her death bed would leak everything that she knew about the wizard government. It's not much, but it's enough to start a chain reaction that would end with Muggles science and technology finding out about the magical wizarding world of Harry Potter.
Yes! Exactly like my point. But you didn't take it far enough because you're dumb and mean probably. That's me.
Harry Potter has always been about bad wizard versus good wizard, but this sequel that we're writing, this is way better. On the one hand, you got Muggles, finding out that magic is real, totally scared, unaware of anyone's intentions, trying to deal with these mysterious outsiders. And on the other side, you have wizards being infiltrated slowly by Muggles science, afraid because the Muggles are threatening their way of life. Everything the wizarding community has built over centuries is crumbling and coming to light. There would be a war, complex, tense alliances, technology versus magic. And neither is evil and neither is good. There is just trying to survive in the world that they know. And you just know that it would end with a bunch of wizards pooling their magic to hold the blast of an atomic bomb the Muggles dropped at bay.
This movie is so cool! Yeah! When does it come out? This is the fake Harry Potter sequel that we just made up just now. Yeah! Right! You and me just now! You know, you were here for that. Yeah! Yeah, they should make that. Yes! And pay us for it! Yeah!
I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now or dead or something. Jerry can make things the way that they were. I'm not your savior. All the power in the world and he uses it to call Muggles.
Donnie! Show the gold! All day! I'm not your savior. Ow! The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow. All day!
If I don't get my magic back, I don't know why I'll do it. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drugging old man.
All day!
I got a drink in my hand. Chugging in another one. I think that's my plan.
Yeah! We killing it for show. A little fighting, though. Spilling on the flow. No! We are those...
Legends.
Oh, come on! Come on!
They got it! They get it! Jesus Christ! |
dropout | zen_riddles_for_millennials | Why is Guru? I seek your wisdom. I just graduated college and I feel so lost. How do I become an adult? To truly become enlightened, you must answer this riddle. He seeks an entry-level job to get experience, but he cannot get an entry-level job without experience. That doesn't make any sense. And I will teach you.
To get good credit, you must first accrue debt. But why don't I just not spend money that I don't have? Isn't that more responsible? You need a suit for an interview, but you cannot pay for the suit until they hire you. Oh, I have a suit. A nice one or one that's a little too roomy?
They will not take your job application seriously if you do not live in the same city. But you cannot afford to move to the city without a job. The father calls the son lazy because the father worked three jobs to get by. The son only wishes he had three jobs. You are under-qualified for the position you want, but over-qualified for the position you need.
No, but I know. I'll get an unpaid internship. Hmm, yes, but then you cannot support yourself. I could just live at home till I'm 30. I've got it. I figured out the answers to all your riddles.
I'm fucked. We're all just totally fucked. Our fathers worked blue-collar jobs that afforded them fucking houses. Our mothers worked part-time jobs that put them through college. Can you imagine putting yourself through four years of college by working at McDonald's? I don't even think McDonald's would hire me. We're just fucked.
Now you understand, my son. Go out and complain about it. Believe me, I will. If you happen to find something and need a graphic designer, hook me up. I'm looking for a gig. Cool. Cool, yeah, I will totally let you know. See ya. Thank you.
Well, let me down. Let me down. |
TheOnion | Jailed_Nelson_Mandela_Becomes_Fully_Rehabilitated_Through_South_Africa_s_Stellar_Penal_System | From the admission of ant colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union in 1897, to the day in 1817 when embarrassed construction workers realized they put the Erie Canal in the wrong place, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On August 3, 1936, Jesse Owens won four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics, a victory that sent a message that American ideals of freedom and liberty would always triumph over evil, a victory that Owens celebrated in a blacks-only booth in his heavily segregated Cleveland neighborhood. Mere days after he stood in front of the Nazis and proudly claimed his gold medal in the name of independence, tolerance, and unity, Owens and his family enjoyed a meal in one of the few diners that would allow blacks into the establishment, all while the Olympic hero was openly reviled by the white people sitting in the booth next to him. On August 5, 1962, Nelson Mandela was jailed until 1990, becoming fully rehabilitated through the South African penal system, and thanks to the services provided to him while imprisoned, emerged from jail a successful politician and internationally revered symbol of peace. Mandela's record of overcoming hardships and moving South Africa beyond its formidable racial struggles is a lasting testament to South Africa's correctional facilities and proved that the penal system's small cells, demeaning work duties, and minimal rations are exactly the tools needed for a prisoner to truly become a reformed citizen. Nelson Mandela's overwhelming success in establishing democracy, fighting for peace, and even winning a Nobel Prize was really a credit to Warden Baruthi Zuma's philosophy of giving prisoners a single bucket to defecate in.
Just as a side note, we are about 10 deep into these This Week in History things and I have not been paid once. I've sent emails to you guys, I've made phone calls, and nobody's really getting back to me. I've been sending my invoices to Marie, she's not responding, Gary's not responding, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting the runaround here.
And look, I don't have to be here, you know? If you don't want me here, that's fine, but I still think I should be paid for the work that I've done. I mean, that's just fair. I'm not trying to play hardball with anybody. That's not my style, but I don't think I'm out of line here. I think Marie might be a little bit out of line, Gary, perfectly nice guy, I think he might be a little bit out of line.
So fine, I'll keep trying, I'll keep calling people on my cell, but if I don't hear from you in a couple of weeks, I think we're going to have a problem. This will be a problem. And on August 2nd, 1790, the United States conducted its first census, with the results showing the Native American population at its all-time highest. And that was what happened This Week in History. In the words of journalist Edward R. Murrow, history will remember the work you do, unless you work in print media. |
dropout | Why_Scary_Movies_Aren_t_Actually_Scary | And then the killer's in a cheesecake factory because cholesterol is the real killer. Is that funny? I don't know. Honestly, all these horror sketches are kind of the same.
Yeah, I'm gonna take off. I got a 10 p.m. orgy to get to. I will see you losers later.
Hello? Everybody left, right? Yeah, hours ago. We're answering time today. Thank God!
I thought you were a guy I dated and then ghosted, or someone I owed money to, and then dated and ghosted. Hold on, I'm much worse than any of those things. I am your living nightmare, college humor. But you represent something, right? Like Grant's promiscuity or his Peter Pan complex?
I am your doctor. Oh, oh, oh! Are you the manifestation of the scrotal rabies I've been recklessly spreading around West Hollywood? Oh, that's kind of you. No, you, that's disgusting. Makes me cum foam. Why would you tell me that when I'm here to kill you, all of you? Aren't you afraid of me? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No.
I used to be afraid of scary movies. Yeah, and then we watched and deconstructed so many of them. The killers aren't scary once you realize they're just manifestations of abstract concepts like grief or racism or post 9-11 American imperialism. And I ain't afraid of no metaphors.
That's for sure. Shut up. Shut up, all of you. I am not a metaphor. Hurry up.
He is too addicted to technology. You know, he always said it would be the death of him and look, casual saying made real. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh yeah, you should smash him with his phone. That's what he's really addicted to. Oh, he's killed by the very thing that he loves so much.
I don't need your help killing you. Now do you see how serious I am? Kind of a mixed metaphor, right? Yeah, I am stumped. Oh, maybe it's about digital versus analog. Like, technology has actually hindered us and sometimes it's as easy as a knife slash to the throat. Shut up, or I'll make you shut up.
You know, it's a little on the nose for silencing women in an environment of toxic masculinity. Especially as an Asian woman, intersectionality offers secondary levels of interpretation the creator didn't even intend. I didn't intend any of that. It's a little cliche.
Yeah, what's next? Making me OD on drugs as punishment for turning a serious addiction into like a running punchline? Um, no. Look, if you're gonna kill us, at least make it about something that matters, like how workers in the gig economy need to collectibles. Have him get run over by an Uber. Shut up. Oh, that's good. Or maybe like attacked by a pack of dog walking dogs. What is it? I can't wait for these. Make him write social media marketing posts in exchange for exposure, not payment. He was hamster. Do you still want us to run you over with an Uber? Yeah.
You do the math, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Sign up for your free trial today.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Cause I'm bad with numbers. Five times one. |
dropout | the_game_of_thrones_finale_rewritten_with_a_i_ | Interior Winterfell's best room. Sansa sits alone on top of her prized valerian eggs. Jon walks in carrying Sam in a pouch. Sansa, have you met Bermuda on the wall, Sam or Tarly? I hope you two have a few good talk about friendship. Sansa gets closer to him and then takes out a large spear and pushes it into Jon's stomach.
He looks concerned. You've never killed me before. Sam will hate this. Jon's eyes slowly blink and he loses. Did you imagine I could be smarter than anyone here? It's a strange thing I've been doing ever since Ramsay received my dead dogs.
In the background of this scene, Podrick is having tea with Podrick. Podrick glances back at Podrick and Podrick, but Brienne grabs his head in her hands. Don't let them see that you think them very pretty. I like this one as well. Esquire, my lady? Esquire does brooding. Podrick nods and gets sullen. At the foot of the cliff of disbelief, Tyrion and Brienne are both sitting in shock.
My brother tells me you're guilty of forgiving him. That's a risky scheme, my lord. I am not a lord. I am a tree.
A pie. A cook.
And yes, I am also a Hodor. There is no middle. There is only Hodor and chaos. You mean, ardor and chaos. As I said, actually. Brienne jumps out of his chair with his working legs and floors Tyrion with a sequence of violently beautiful flipkicks.
I'll do that again, you rat me out. You gonna rat me out? No, I swear, I swear.
Interior, the other Winterfell. Arya and Gendry are standing next to a servant dressed as a horse. Arya is scrubbing the old horse with a long blonde face from her face bag. You're not afraid of my horse, are you? She's a liar and a thief, but I don't think she'd kill you as long as you keep away from a horse knife.
Arya gulps pie after pie as Gendry watches respectfully. After an hour, Gendry's stomach growls.
Can I have some? I am beloved. I can't die. You're leaving for stupid camp and everything you think is bad.
This is a huge Gendry insult. Arya punches Gendry down through the floor and into the crypt. Daenerys and Jon enter looking worried. Jon sits on his bed in size deeply. Someone must regret, but why is it always Jon Snow?
I spoke to the dragons. They'll help. But they want money. A hundred each. No deal. I'd rather just lose.
They would also accept your father's bones. Jon hesitates and then nods. He hugs Daenerys as Varys enters. Varys, come here and hug myself and my nephew. Thank you, Your Grace, my Lord Stark.
But I must admit, my legs are thirsty. Please water my legs.
Varys sits and stares at what he has become. Jon and Dany begin soaking Varys' long, long legs. My life is rich and powerful. I could do violence to all worlds, but I'm trying to be human. From outside, thunder rumbles and a shadow moves towards Jon. Jon unsheathes his arm and starts fighting the ground woman. He is clearly outnumbered. He goes berserk with tears. Jon Snow falls to the ground and goes silent for a moment, then gets to his feet and speaks to the camera. Now you know what happens.
It's all for me, but I'm not the king of you. We're allies in this war for treason. Thank you for everything. Have a safe journey to the throne of the old. Everyone else bows.
They begin laughing and eating breakfast. Breakfast is coming.
Get out. I'm calling the cops. |
cracked | if_the_kids_on_nickelodeon_never_escaped_their_show_are_you_afraid_of_the_dark_parody | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can this is one of those You're all here early welcome to my home. Yeah, let's do it Okay, so Puppets are interesting right they can be an extension of the puppeteer A window into their psyche it could be the puppeteer themselves They could be like it like a demon or something. Did you prepare anything at all? Sorry You know really long week at work So you don't have anything I do I do I do hi the thing about puppets That we don't always expect sometimes Thing you least suspect submitted for the approval midnight society Call this story The tale of the puppeted boy Wait Puppeted yeah, like like it's It's like a throat develops the qualities of a puppet Well, it's been years. Okay, we've already done The tale of the puppet that grew up and the tale of the person that turned into a pile of puppets and not any other fucking Stories about puppets. So yeah, fuck it. This is the tale of the puppeted boy. All right, are we done here? And is there more to say here about puppets? Well, this week is supposed to be puppets okay, then tell one no, right Okay, so Her parents are actually ghouls just like let me They come around at the end and they kill everybody hey Humans make their own cages their own personal prisons There's a girl who really doesn't like interacting with people So ghouls take her and they put her in a prison and then she learns how to interact with others and be more Adventurous and then she breaks out of the ghouls prison But it turns out that that prison is just in another bigger prison and she's just trapped there forever How are you really have been doing this a long time? Hey, I have a story Ah, I'm not interested in hearing any more of your sexual fantasies.
Well, this one is a lot more adult growing up is tough But we all have to do it. We all have limits fears responsibilities and flaws Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society.
I call this story The tale of shit she might be pregnant this is fine, right we'll be fine, right might be Okay, that's the worst part not knowing well, actually The worst part for now the worst part will probably be that there's a kid here now And it's like I don't know how to take care of the kid, right? And I'm not talking about just feeding the kid and then changing his diapers, right? I'm talking about how do you make sure that he's a good person that you raised him to be a good person? What if he's an asshole? Right now keep having this recurring dream that he's getting bigger and bigger and I'm not talking about growing up he's physically becoming a larger baby and he's pushing all of my shit like everything that I own like through the walls and it's Like I want to go backpacking to Yosemite and it's like, okay, when am I gonna do that?
That's off the table.
Hey Congratulations, I got one Okay, sometimes a story can be an extension of the storyteller a window into the psyche like puppets, but sometimes Stories can be real sometimes stories can kill Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society. I give you The tale of the right now There was this group of kids who used to gather in the woods and tell scary stories one of them brought his kid brother along Most of his life he was exposed to just the scariest shit imaginable He developed some Let's call him dark thoughts, but he kept them at bay because every week he had the club then it was clear But the group was gonna break up and go off and leave this kid all grown up all alone. It's just a Hooker that is very clearly a story about your desire to murder us.
I've never been abroad It's like what am I gonna do that?
I Think that's enough Stories for the night, but we'll be back next week with a lot of really great stories to tell for particular members of the group Okay, I Declare the meeting this is our meetings over see you next week I'm not doing it. Do your own videos Do you have any idea who my father is No, screw this good. I don't want these nerds subscribing to our channel You do it What's what's that?
Okay. All right, you mean we're racing |
dropout | these_incriminating_photos_look_amazing | Uh, hi, I was told to meet here. Oh, hello, Ali Beardsley. Or should I say, Aggie Belfast? Who sent you? Name's Mort.
I'm a PI. I got some photos here that I could keep out of police hands for the right price. Oh my god. This is a crazy good photo of me.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, the angle really draws the viewer in here, I think. You're also looking at nine counts of possession with intent to distribute. Next. How did you get this? This composition? Basic rule of dirts. You just sort of imagine a grid over the frame. Like Instagram. Oh yeah, yeah, so you're familiar. Yeah, it's just that. Can I keep these? Oh my god, yes, yes, please feel free. I got plenty more. This is a great photo, but it doesn't prove anything.
This is just me and my friend going to the gym with our duffel bags. Oh, a friend, a friend. What's your girlfriend at the gym, Jules?
You bastard! These are gorgeous! I know, magic hour. You were actually doing a lot of really incriminating stuff earlier in the day and I was like, no, Mort, don't waste your film.
Wait for just the right moment. Wait till the lighting's right and muah, you know?
I'm glad I did. Look, I'll pay you. I'm listening.
You know Anne Geddes? She's like a baby photographer. Yeah. I always wanted one of those. You mean something like this? Oh my gosh. Aw, Mia's a little bumblebee. That's so cute. Yeah, it's real cute, but you know what's not cute?
The 25 to life you're looking at with arms trafficking. No! Yeah. No, I didn't know the guns were in that flower pot. Right next to your little baby body. Please, I'm innocent, okay? Tell it to the judge.
He looks great. He looks great, but you can see the weight that his responsibility takes on him. You know, it's a lot.
I'm not going to prison.
Oh, this is great. Oh, get that wig on there. That's the stuff. Oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah. Ooh, we got here.
Oh, it's agro ping pong. You're on the lamb and you're running away from the law. Beautiful, beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, you do gotta do something illegal though, because I don't just take glamor shots.
Ooh, you love these drugs. These drugs are great. They give meaning to your life. Gosh, these look great.
You have a model before? No, but I did audition outside the Oscar Myron Wienermobile. Aggie Belfast, you're under arrest. Angie here has been following you for weeks.
What the fuck is that? I look terrible. Ah, gee. No, no, you smart photos. They're beautiful.
Why?
I love you. Come on. This is what I like. |
dropout | why_the_devil_is_super_hot | Oh, no. Hey, will you switch? Katie, I also have hot peppers. Of course I have hot peppers. Why, of course? How would I possibly know that you have hot peppers? Well, let's think it through. It's Hot Pepper Tuesday, right?
Guys, is it just me or is the devil really hot? Oh, my God, I know, right? I didn't notice it at first because of the horns, but he's like an angel. Like a fallen angel. I want a man of wealth and taste.
And he's so mean, you know? He's just like, oh, fuck you, but also like, fuck me.
Oh, my God, he's a musician. Oh, that's even hotter. He's so good with his fingers. Yeah, I even look past those nails. And like, his personal brand is so hot, you know?
Yeah, just like... You know, I like having my hair pulled. Yeah, it's like, get rough. Show me how bad you want me. Just push me against a wall and just like, like a pitchfork. Oh, yeah, you know what I mean?
Pat loved soup. That's so ironic and witty. I know that people rag on hipsters, but I genuinely think that irony is really super funny. And I'm not even being ironic right now, but I wish I was. So funny. A sense of humor is so important in sex.
Yeah. Oh, God. They burns. The oil is staying. You know it's in there, right? Oh, and look at that.
I bet he has a big dick. Like one of those big dicks. A dingle dick.
Hey, the devil. Hi, the devil. Hey, hi, the devil. Hi, the devil.
Not gonna happen, losers. Well, I guess the best punishment is not getting what you want.
Hey, how big is a big dick? Oh, like... Like this.
That's the girl. Take a look. That's the girl. But the Queen of England should still be the Queen of America. |
SaturdayNightLive | jasper_hahn_the_fuzzy_buddies_saturday_night_live | On Monday, famed cartoonist Charles Schulz retired his beloved comic strip, Peanuts. here to comment on the end of an institution, comic strip artist Jasper Hahn. Hello Colin, Ooh, the world is filled with wonderful colors and shapes. And in fact, I'm currently working on a new comic strip. this comic strip the whole family can enjoy, and it's to help fill the void left by old Chuck Brown and the gang. America, Meet the Fuzzy Buddies. What are the Fuzzy Buddies? Oh, the Fuzzy Buddies are a misfit gang of lovable critters who live deep in the heart of a fantastic forest. the leader of the buddies, oh, his name is Floppy, Here he is, oh boy, peace. he's such a cute fella, he's over here, he's over here, I'm a doggy, hey, stop that you creep. stop what? you know that's offensive, you know what you're doing.
Well, if you let me finish, Colin, Floppy's always eavesdropping with his big floppy ears right there, right? Yeah, oh, and he's always sticking his nose in other people's business with his big, wet, bushy nose, there it is, oh, Floppy, Look at old Floppy, just a little, little ooze. All right, okay, he's kind of cute, so be careful, will ya? Oh, be careful is right, because a moose is on the loose. Oh, and his name is Fat Rodney, Oh, Fat Rodney's always hungry, Oh, there it is. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Colin, you're, what's your problem, Colin, you're spoiling all the fun. Rodney likes to go deep in the forest, no, no, wait, wait, he likes, wait, he likes to go deep inside, deep inside, to get lollipops from the lolly tree, there you go, you got this there, and he's over here, and he's always hungry, give me more lollipops, there he is, Oh, Fat Rodney the moose is lollipop, right, there you go. shame on you, shame on you, Colin, shame on you, and whatever you were thinking. Ladies and Gentlemen, Jasper Hahn. |
cracked | how_to_solve_the_country_s_gun_problem | Guns. How many more? Another shooting. Another gun. Another shooting again. Another more guns.
Enough. Enough guns. How many more? Enough.
Guns. Guns aren't the solution. They're not safe. But they can be.
If you demand. You demand. If you demand.
Tiny guns. Tiny guns for the guns to have. To keep them safe. Because if each gun has a tiny little gun.
Then none of us will have to worry again.
About another gun. Or another gun. Another gun. Enough guns.
Enough. Please.
Just give each gun. Its own very wee gun. Little wee guns. Tiny guns. The tiny guns will make the guns feel safe.
And then guns will be safe. Then guns will be safe. And we can keep our guns. Because guns are cool. Guns are cool.
So please. Vote yes.
For tiny guns. Because tiny guns don't kill people. Guns kill people. They were literally invented to kill people.
Literally.
Hi. Thanks for watching the video. Obviously guns are still a major issue in this country. And we've made a lot of progress but it's still important to have your voice heard. So you can check in the description of the video.
We've left links on how to find your congressperson and a form letter you can send them. You can also write your own. Fill it up with swears if you want. That's your right as an American. |
TheOnion | Is_Emma_Stone_Sporting_A_Baby_Bump_A_Nine_Year_Old_Boy_Tells_Us_What_He_Thinks | Next up, Seth Rogen talks about transitioning into more serious stoner comedies, but first, is Spider-Man star Emma Stone pregnant? This photo is making the rounds on the internet, and people are saying it could be a baby bum.
Our senior celebrity correspondent Tyler is here. Tyler, you always have the inside dish.
What's the deal? She looks like she got fat, so she might have a baby in her tummy. Oh? What else have you heard?
I heard she has a boyfriend, and they have sex. That's right. She has a boyfriend, Andrew Garfield, on the set of The Amazing Spider-Man. He kissed her in the movie like this. Ooh. He loves her.
Tyler, you spotted Emma out on the town this weekend. Yeah, I asked her if she was pregnant. Emma, Emma, you look fat. Are you pregnant?
How many babies are inside you? Show me your tummy.
She didn't deny it. You know, the Hollywood couple vacationed in Rome together just two months ago. Maybe that's where they made time for some romance. They had a big hotel room, and I can tell you what they did in it. Spill it, Tyler. He put his penis in her vagina. Hot. She is one lucky gal. Last week, we saw the amazing couple grabbing a low-key sushi dinner in LA.
Yeah, and she's going crazy. Uh-oh. Is stardom starting to wear on Emma? Yeah, she's crazy and dumb. Well, you heard it here first.
Emma still looks crazy about sex. She kisses everybody. Naughty Emma.
Tyler, put that down. Hey, guess what? I heard something I was really sick about, Emma Stone. Do you want to hear it? Tyler, you are trouble. Give us the gossip.
She put a carrot in her vagina. Whoa, do tell. Yeah, she said, oh, this carrot is like my boyfriend's penis. I'm going to rub it all over my vagina. I'm so gross. Then she ate it like Bugs Bunny.
What a hot mess. Hey, Emma, get it together, girl. So Tyler, any other hot Hollywood gossip before we let you go? John Hamm has a ding-dong in his pants. Oh my.
I took a picture of it at the beach. It has hair on it like my dog.
Tyler, you are breaking news as always. When we come back, the 300 sequel is promising audiences a full two hours of people getting kicked into a pit. |
SaturdayNightLive | dateline_the_mystery_of_the_chopped_up_guy_snl | Next on a Keith Morrison special investigation. real-life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations. Elroy Valentine was an ordinary man who went out one day to catch a bass, but instead he caught a case of murder. It's the mystery of the chopped-up guy. I was walking along the lake one morning and I saw something floating on the surface. Ah, was it Wilson, the volleyball? No, it was an arm. Ah, did he slap you five? No, it it was a dead arm from a dead body. Oh, that's terrible.
You seem kind of psyched. I'm but I wasn't bombed. I was stoked.
Police suspected a local drifter named Diego. Pops, get pass it Diego. tell me what happened. What can I say? I like to kill, kill like a comedian at the Apollo. No like murder. Ah, so I waited for Elroy and when I saw him, I took a machete, oh, you gotta and I hacked him to death and I'm the one who did it. Diego confessed, but let's ignore that because this is an hour show. So we've got to stretch this because it's dayline. There's only one photo to use floating downward. Next, we talked to the corner. I did the autopsy? Oh, describe stuff. Well, the victim had been bludgeoned and dismembered. uh-huh Normally and murders this severe we suspect a crime of passion. Got go and I see the body.
No baby. Sad.
But why would someone want to kill Elroy Valentine? Diego said he was having an affair with Elroy's beautiful wife Marfa. but I met Marfa. and beautiful should have sarcastic quotes around Marfa. You're an unattractive woman. why would a man kill for you? I told Diego he was a real man. she would get an axe and chop up my husband, oh, no. and then I would let him stick his dong right off in my dump hole.
I must paint you. But some questions still remain like how many more times can we use that photo?
Maybe we'll put them on a roller coaster. Maybe we'll send them to Paris. Maybe we'll make them friends with Big George.
For all right, Diego, how'd you kill him? I knocked him to the ground, but then he grabbed my ankle. Did you say Lego? My Lego? No. Anyway, I dropped my machete so I sawed his arms with my own keys.
Well, that's nuts. Tell me the killing them. Get your rocks off. No, you know, huh? I'm not weird like that. not even a little. What the heck? It got me off a little.
Oh, that's our show for Dateline, I'm Keith Morrison and when I was four years old, I saw a birthday clown drowned in a pool. He just look good night. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_god_s_not_dead_movies_1_4 | God's not even... alive. AHHH! Because you doubted God's aliveness, you've been locked into a secular prison until you watch and explain all the God's Not Dead movies.
Live or die, the choice is yours. Wait, is Kevin Sorbo Jigsaw now? Well, the good news is this movie is probably made by Pure Flick, so we probably won't have to see Kevin Sorbo fully new to- oh! And it's a Harold Kronk film, which means it's sure to feature all of Kronk's signature directorial flourishes. All you Kronk heads out there know what I mean. It's all coming together. Wait, this movie is called God Is Dead? That's weird, I thought- oh my god, you almost got me with that one, Jesus.
Anyway, the movie opens with a ton of apparent college freshmen being dropped off by parents at college. Specifically, Hadley University, which is apparently not real, and possibly explains why these brilliant students all evidently live with their parents, even though our main character claims that his intention is to become a lawyer. Gonna be kind of tough with a fake degree from a fake college you walked to from your parents' house.
Anyway, that character is named Josh Wheaton. And no, he didn't direct the Avengers. He's not even related to him. They're spelled totally differently.
What's wrong with you? Anyway, we also see a woman buying wine and, okay, pause the tape. You see right there where it says Music by Will Musser? That is incorrect. What it should say is Music by Will Musser and Jordan Breeding. I'm 100% dead serious. Let me tell you a story.
It was the summer of 2013. I had just graduated from a real college and was living in America's cultural epicenter, Harrisonburg, Virginia.
And like thousands of broke and or high musicians before me, I opened up Craigslist. After scrolling past offers to non-sexually cuddle with some very nice guys, I spotted a post demanding to know, can you sound like explosions in the sky? The poster claimed he needed some ambient guitar for his movie. And right away I was like, yeah, sure, I can record some music for this dude's homemade sex tape or whatever. And I hopped on GarageBand plucked out a couple of guitar lines soaked in pretty much all the reverb and within 20 minutes, the composer excitedly called to say he loved the track.
And the movie he was making was so big he couldn't even forward me any clips for fear of leakage. And I'm like, yeah, right, there's probably tons of leakage. Like pee leakage probably.
Anyway, the composer offered me $200 to insert some guitar on a few pieces he'd already written, and obviously I immediately accepted, and then excitedly ran downstairs to tell my roommates that I'd try to remember them once I was a world-renowned film composer, even though I ate all my cookies that one time, Tim. Later that day, I received my first assignment. The email contained literally nothing except for one literal explosions in the sky track. The movie was already edited, apparently. They just needed some scrub to come in and rip off explosions in the sky as close as possible without actually breaking copyright law.
And or to be the fall guy if somebody needed to go to jail, which I realize now is ironic. I couldn't just copy a song's vibe. I had to match every single movement. If the music swelled at 37 seconds, you'd better believe that my track needed to swell at 37 seconds because I had to match songs perfectly, beat for beat, without matching them too closely, you know? Because jail, and death, and hell. To make things even more difficult, I'd often send off a track only to immediately receive feedback like, hey, actually, this scene could be a little bit sad, or, I mean, she has cancer, or can you make this more triumphant?
It's literally the climax of the whole movie. Again, I had never seen a single scene.
I don't know if this much back and forth for work for hire guitarist is typical, but then again, God's Not Dead was for the Lord, so it needed to be perfect. And so it went for over a year. It went so long, in fact, they offered me an additional $125 for my efforts. What's worse, I wasn't even credited for my work because I was technically at work for hire, because I'm technically an idiot who didn't think to ask. All that remains from that weird, weird time in my life is a track of original score excerpts, and an inbox full of emails asking for more ambience. Oh, and $325. At least the movie itself only made $64 million in theaters, so, at least I've got this video. But anyway, enough about me, because the sleeping woman named Amy, she just woke up, and she's late for something.
Then the Muslim girl gets out of her dad's car and takes off her face covering because she's clearly been seduced by Hadley's wild party culture. You can drop your kids off in college, but you can't control what they wear on their face. Josh signs up for his semester classes outside, at a little student fair or something, because this is a real college, and everybody that made this movie also definitely went to real college. There's also maybe the hint of a buttcrack in the background. This college is bringing nuts! Also, a Chinese guy signs up for some classes, but the student helping him has apparently never heard of this China place. Guess Hadley's not that big on geography.
The dude signing Josh up is like dude, don't take this intro to philosophy class, because that professor's a hard-ass. And hates Christians? I can see your little Jesus chain. He'll probably literally beat you to death. Have you seen Hercules? And Josh is like oh no, but my schedule. So he takes the class anyway. Oh, also Josh has a girlfriend who is actually voted by Esquire as one of 18 beautiful women America won't be able to resist this summer, although it kind of seems like this movie came out, and then American casting directors have managed to resist her pretty much 100% of the time. As it turns out, Josh's philosophy class is taught by Hercules, as I mentioned. Hello, mother. And we immediately know he's evil because he has a goatee, and you know who else has a goatee? Satan. Anyway, Professor Hercules Lucifer forces every student to sign a piece of paper saying that God is dead, because he doesn't want to have to prove that God's dead, because it's a waste of time, and also maybe he killed him. Does Hercules kill Gods? Seems like he has to, right? Was that a good joke? DISAPPOINTED! Anyway, most of the kids are like hell yeah, God's dead as shit, A plus bitches, but Josh is conflicted because he doesn't think God is dead. So Professor Hercules says, you know what?
This class is born anyway. Here's the deal. For the next three classes, you and I will debate God's relative aliveness and G-Dawg here will decide if you pass or fail. G-Dawg to rock trigger. Also, the rest of this class. Also, it's college. It's freaking wild.
Anyway, Josh tells his girlfriend, and she's like, you idiot. You're throwing away our future. You'll never get into law school with anything less than an A plus, an intro to philosophy from a fake college. Sorry for having the next 50 years of our life planned out. That's just who I am.
But Josh is like, well, thank God wants somebody to defend him, which feels insanely presumptuous. Look out, everybody. God's on the ropes, and he's chosen Josh here to fight Hercules for him. So anyway, she breaks up with him because that's what we call raising the stakes. Josh is sad, so he briefly speaks with his pastor guy who dresses like he got shat out of a Nirvana concert and who has an entire pointless subplot where he tries to take this other pastor to Disney World, but they have three separate cars die on them because the rental car guy is an idiot and an actor. Sorry being redundant. So, they never go to Disney World because God maybe? More high stakes shat right there. Also, this pastor boy tells Josh, yeah, do the debate. God would have. Probably.
Meanwhile, Amy has finally gotten her shat together and drives her car covered in I Heart Evolution bumper stickers to ambush interview Willy from Duck Dynasty. Remember that show? What do you want? She demands that he account for the fact that his family's duck calls result in the deaths of ducks, and he responds that he does not give a shit about ducks, which is fair.
She has no answer for that, but God does apparently because then Amy gets cancer. I don't have time for cancer. I'm too busy. Also, her boyfriend has an answer for that and breaks up with her because of the cancer that God gave her because of the ducks. I think I have cancer.
This couldn't wait until tomorrow. Meanwhile, meanwhile, the Muslim girl puts her face covering back on at the end of a long day of totally real college before her dad picks her up, and then an apparent lesbian chick walks up and she's like, you're really beautiful. I wish you didn't have to wear a face covering, which is kind of a tasteless thing to say.
Okay, so now on to the first debate, and it's clear that Josh's spiritual gift is PowerPoint. If you don't believe in God after witnessing those graphics, I don't think there's anything Josh can say that will change your mind. He makes the case that the Big Bang is just another way of saying that, you know, God banged everything into existence. Then Hercules counters by saying nuh-uh. Stephen Hawking said that's not true because gravity. And Josh has no answer for that. Then Hercules stops Josh in the hallway after class and claims that he is God, which does that mean Kevin Sorbo doesn't exist?
Anyway, Hercules is dating the woman from the beginning of the movie that was shopping, you know, the one who be shopping. Her name is Mina, and she has both a mom with dementia and is an apparent Christian. How and why is she dating Hercules is unclear, but it may have something to do with the fact that they hooked up after her freshman midterms. Nothing clouds a horny Christian teen's judgment like Hercules.
They argue a bit, and she mentions that she left the wine that she bought in the car too long, so it probably tastes like shit. This may come to play later. So now it's later. Hercules is hosting a dinner party for his philosophically minded friends, and Mina's handing out food and she gets upset because they're mocking Josh, and they get upset because the wine tastes like shit. So she and Hercules both knew it would taste like shit, but they served it anyway, and then Hercules shits on her for her shity wine. I don't think they have a good relationship.
Oh hey, did you pick up the bottle of wine I wanted? I did. I left it in the car. It's in the car.
Don't worry about it. Mina, this wine is awful. I got about your grapes of a wrath. Side note, the Chinese guy's dad? Not happy.
So now it's the second debate, and Josh has come prepared with both his divine power points and some anti-hawking quotes from John Lennox. Professor John Lennox, who teaches mathematics and philosophy. John Lennox, the professor of mathematics and philosophy. They don't say who Lennox is other than a mathematics professor, but it's probably worth pointing out that he's a Christian mathematics professor.
Doesn't make him wrong, but if everybody's just offering up quotes from smart people on their own teams, then it doesn't feel like there's a lot to be gained here. He goes on to say that evolution can't explain why modern animals kind of sprung up so recently, which, I mean, probably sounds like a good point, but also I doubt it's airtight.
Before we get too far into that plot twist, Hercules knows some Bible verses. It turns out that his mom died when he was 12 and he blames God for not saving her. Oh, and remember that Muslim girl? Well, she's at home listening to the filthiest smut I've ever seen on an iPod Mini. A sermon by Franklin Graham. Does anybody watching this know who that is? I doubt it, but her dad sure freakin' does because he beats the shit out of her and throws her out of his house, which is legitimately really high stakes because now she'll have to, I don't know, drive herself to college? Elsewhere, the pastor guy's decidedly not eating his cheeseburger and he tells Mina that she has a Cinderella complex, a term he didn't coin, because she dates Hercules and gets her worth from him rather than from Jesus. She says, that makes sense, and she breaks up with Hercules in front of his friends. That'll make him feel better about things.
This story is a twisted web because now we're back watching Amy crying because of the cancer. Also, it's important to note that this was the scene I was supposed to make sadder, again, because of the cancer and as you can tell, I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
New post. Okay, now we're at the final argument and Josh says evil exists so we can have free will and also, there's basically no reason for morality unless you ascribe to a certain faith, which, I don't know, that's not necessarily true. You can also just not want to steal shit in the hope that others won't steal your shit, you know, social contracts and all that, but whatever, then Josh pivots and goes for the jugular by yelling that science supports his existence, you know the truth, even though pretty sure that's not settled, but he then pulls a few good men on Hercules and gets him to admit that he hates God and yet, as Josh points out, how can you hate somebody who doesn't exist? Checkmate, bitch! All the students stand up and say, yeah, God exists, just that easy to mass-convert 18-year-olds apparently. Also, my guitar rips at this part. Is God dead?
More like explosions in my sky and your butt. Meanwhile, the dick lawyer who broke up with Amy is apparently Mina's brother, so he goes to visit their demented mother and he says to her that life's not fair. How come you have dementia and my life is the tits? I mean, maybe it's because you're 40 and she's like a thousand years old, but whatever. His mom says it's because Satan sometimes puts us in a comfortable jail to distract us from God and to that I say I wish I was in a comfortable cell! Satan put me in a shitty cell! Oh, well, there's one major plot development that's been brewing in the background I forgot to mention.
The gosh-danged newsboys are in town. You know who I mean? Your favorite band! Everybody's favorite band! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! So then Josh, fresh off his scintillating victory, takes the Chinese kids to the concert because he'd already bought the ticket for his ex-girlfriend, but she left him, so now he's dating the Chinese kid, I guess. Honestly, in fact, every single major character goes to that concert because it got newsboys! I'm not gonna miss that!
Amy even breaks into the newsboys' dressing room and gets prayed for by the actual newsboys! I can't believe they got them to pray for her! I bet it cured everybody in the crew's AIDS and erectile dysfunction and stuff in real life.
Even sad Hercules decides to go to the concert because he thinks Mina will be there, and he wants to patch things up, but unfortunately, it's raining and he just gets obliterated by a hit and run. By this point, the pastor guy's finally gotten a car that works, and he's fully on his way to Disney World, but he sees Hercules twitching body in the street and decides he should go check on it. Good thing he does, too, because the pastor manages to convert Hercules literally in the street while he's dying. Like, on his death street. So remember, audiences, forget all that logic and argumentative crap we spent this whole movie on, all you need to believe is the fear of dying. So believe, nerd, or God will just plow you with a car. Even worse, the Duck Dynasty guy is at the concert, he just shits all over Hercules for being an atheist.
Then the concert starts, and Mina is having the time of her life fully unaware that the still-warm corpse of her recent boyfriend is rotting in the rain like three blocks away. That will be quite a post-concert downer, although, maybe she took a lot of Molly. I don't know, I've never been to a newsboys concert.
Then we cut back to the dead body in the street and the other pastor is like, What happened here tonight is a cause for celebration. Because I guess he too hates Kevin Sorbo. Also, because I guess this means everybody in the class gets an A. In the credits, we learned this movie was inspired by a bunch of real court cases, apparently. And we're invited to join the movement, which I assume means becoming a Christian and not just trying to hit and run atheists until they believe, but I mean, it could be both.
Ow! That's from your dad. Why? You know why. Ow, shit.
Kronk is back. Return to the king, baby. Kronk heads, sound off in the comments. Let's get hashtag Kronk is Kronk trending.
Anyway, we open with Sabrina the middle-aged powerless witch, heading somewhere to not do magic, probably. We then see the pastor from the last movie, who I will begrudgingly reveal is apparently named Dave, and he's apparently contracted some sort of neurological disorder. This also may explain the noticeable limp, or maybe his legs are sore from kicking so many limbs right in their buttholes. Also, the African pastor is back to pursue his doctorate, what I'm just going to assume is friendliness.
Why are you always so sad?
And also, the Chinese guy named Martin is back, and he's got exactly 147 questions about the Bible, which, once answered, will finally prove that God is alive for good. Wait! Pause! Just will again? Ah, look, I was rehired for God's not dead 2, die harder, but I made the mistake of asking for a staggering $1,000 and they got pissed, only gave me $600, and then GND2 is the last feature film I ever scored. But thankfully, I went out on a high note.
Anyway, Sabrina tends to an old man, because we need at least one old sickly character, and that grandma from the last one is definitely dead. Oh, and Sabrina is single, ladies.
We also meet Brooke, who is sad about something, but also, she's about to be cheered way the hell up because her friends' parents are making tacos tonight! Mom's making tacos tonight?
She's a high school junior at the same school where Sabrina works, and again, no, it's not Hogwarts. I would tell you if it was. Stop asking. Hogwarts is for sinners. Exactly. Anyway, Sabrina teaches AP History, and Brooke wears this shockingly short skirt for a Christian movie.
I mean, you can almost see her taint. You really got yourself an apple. Taint.
She's probably dressed really provocatively because she's struggling to process her brother's death, and because her parents just don't seem to care about it, especially her mom, who was on Wizards of Waverly Place, which is yet another character associated with witchcraft, which is interesting. But anyway, Sabrina and Brooke share a moment where Sabrina tells her Jesus will make her feel better about her dead brother. Even better, when Brooke's parents give away all her dead brother's shit, because it's not like he needs any of it, one of the workers hands Brooke his personal Bible. Apparently her brother was a closeted Christian. This causes Brooke to read the Bible a bit, and then in Sabrina's class the next day, she asks a question about whether Jesus' use of nonviolence was similar to Gandhi's and Martin Luther King Jr's.
Sabrina says, yep, and mentions a few Bible verses and stuff, but that was the wrong move, you non-magical turd. Another student texts his mom or somebody that he was assaulted with Jesus' words in class, and pretty much immediately Sabrina's dragged before the school council to apologize, and or to be beaten to death by dirty, liberal fists. They demand she apologize for mentioning Jesus in any capacity, and her hot union lawyer agrees that she should do that, but she says, no, I shan't. I shan't apologize. And the school acts like they might actually kill her, but they merely allow the ACLU to sue her.
That's terrifying, because the prosecution team is led by none other than Robocop's very own Leon Nash. And weirdly, he makes a point of saying that he intends to prove once and for all that God is dead, even though what? What does that have to do with anything? Even if you win the case, how the heck does that prove that God is dead? Also, don't you know that Robocop is basically Jesus?
Did you learn nothing, Leon? Don't touch me, Leon!
Anyway, Sabrina is naturally pretty surprised about how quickly this escalated, but as her non-Christian, probably very well-endowed lawyer explains, pretty much everybody thinks Christianity is gross. It's like as bad as smallpox or polio, which is interesting because both of those require vaccines. Are they going to try and inoculate us from Christianity? Also, this terrible actress' dad is apparently a lawyer, though that never comes back up, and her real dad is Willy from Duck Dynasty, which explains why she is both in this movie and just the worst. Now, she's not even supposed to talk about it. Elsewhere in the world, Pastor Dave has been selected for jury duty and according to his orientation video, he will not be allowed to consume any weapons while in court.
He doesn't expect to be selected, though, because he claims he's just as likely to be struck by lightning, which, to be clear, is a 1 in 500,000 chance. He is in a pool of 800 people, of which they'll take 20. Apparently, lightning is extremely prevalent where they live.
Maybe it's because they live in such an atheist den of debauchery and God is just smiting people left and right. During the jury selection process, we get an amazing glimpse of what this movie thinks a typical Christian is like as evidenced by which types of people the defense wants, and the prosecution doesn't want on the jury. Apparently, only atheists watch Pretty Little Liars while only God-fearing Americans could enjoy Duck Dynasty. Volunteering at a faith-based charity is an automatic get into heaven free card, but if you're a teacher who has never broke the rules, then your next stop is breaking no rules in hell. Also, if you're a soldier, you're a guaranteed Christian. There's no way around it. I don't make the rules. And, of course, Pastor Dave ends up on the jury even though he's the most Christian of all because plot.
Go and check out this sick guitar part. The guy who tried to kill Jesus Robocop takes a second here to admit that he personally hates Sabrina because it's important for us to know that he's a bad guy. This isn't just a court case. This is persecution, guys. For real. It's happening.
Now we're at the trial, and the judge is Ernie Hudson, the ghost buster? And what is ghost busting if not another form of witchcraft? Did the witches get a hold of this movie? Can I trust it to be fair and balanced when there's so much witchery in it? If there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.
Anyway, the whole deal here is that apparently neither faith nor Christianity is on trial, merely Sabrina, the middle-aged Christian AP history teacher. And just realize that AP history isn't a thing. It's gotta be European or United States or world. Presumably she's teaching American history, but they don't say it, so now I'm thinking it's a cover for teaching defense against the dark arts.
And then the trial happens for like the rest of the dumb movie. The debate largely centers on whether church and state should be separated to the point that teachers can't even mention the Christian-y parts of Martin Luther King Jr.'s letter from a Birmingham jail. It's definitely a bit of a strawman argument, though, seeing as it's not like we're actually giving kids redacted copies of the letter like it's a report on 9-11 or something, and also because Sabrina's offense is depicted as the most mundane, boring possible example. She merely quotes Jesus as a historical figure, and even qualifies that certain biblical passages are merely ascribed to him. But the movie acts like the dirty secular culture will be too offended to handle the words Jesus or Bible or sliding your hands into a good old-fashioned American pie. But whatever, the whiz-bang legal twist near the end of the film is they decide to change their focus to proving that Jesus, the historical figure, did exist in history. This is a pretty widely established fact, unless I'm missing something. It's just the him being literally God. That's the part that's a little disputed. It's like how everybody agrees that Abraham Lincoln existed, but only a few of us are brave enough to claim that he was also a vampire hunter. But the movie decides that's all they want to focus on, so everything devolves into thinly veiled TED talks from real-life authors of books about Jesus historical existence. That's fine, I guess, but who do they think is watching this movie? Are they banking on some high-on-pot-weed hippie wandering into the wrong theater and being super moved by a series of boring history lessons? Seems more likely that everybody watching this movie already accepts this premise, right?
So why am I here? Why am I watching this? Am I a hippie? Who am I?
But then again, the defense lawyer with a definite six-pack on his jacked penis asks the jury, are facts not facts? And then he cites the date that we landed on the moon as an indisputable fact as if there aren't any conspiracy theories surrounding that event, which makes me think, maybe they just don't know their audience that well.
But anyway, while that whole debate rages on with thrilling book synopses by actual authors and not, you know, competent actors, and far worse, they're experiencing pressure like no other, unimaginable pressure. Several sub-plots arise like pastor sermons being subpoenaed, which is kind of sort of a thing that happened in real life, but ultimately went nowhere because it's a pretty clear First Amendment violation. But in this movie, it's the end times, baby. Christianity is under attack, and unless the silent majority fights back, then you'll get persecuted like so hard. Audience members? And it's already happening in this movie, specifically. Not like in real life.
But it could! I don't want to spoil your brunch. Man, if only there were a verse about how persecution is fine and chill the hell out, and maybe the point isn't maintaining political power. Oops, that was supposed to just be for me.
Anyway, pastor Dave refuses to submit his sermons because freedom. Honestly, not entirely sure what will happen if they're submitted exactly, but I am fairly certain that most pastors record their sermons and put them online, so it's not like they'll be tough to find Dave.
But to highlight how brave a decision this is, a mean old clerk man offers two different overused idioms. You know the old saying the squeaky wheel gets the grease, don't you? I have another saying. A nail that sticks up gets hammered down. And I've got a third one. The villain in a Christian movie usually doesn't get to be in any other movies. Oh, and also the friggin car rental guy from the first movie returns as a waiter. Fine!
He quit his job, and pastor Dave bought a Prius. Because freedom. He bought a Prius.
Starts every time. Ooh! Then Martin's Chinese daddy surprises him in his dorm room and slaps him and tells him he's no longer a son because of his newfound faith. And man, these movies sure are establishing a fun theme of physically abusive minority parents disowning their children. What a cool, cool thing! Fossil!
So anyway, this whole time Brooke hasn't been allowed to testify because she's too young and her parents don't want her to.
I guess. But then she sees the African pastor sweeping, which he totally just likes to do, okay? He's not just a kindly minority stock janitor character, okay? Sweeping is something I only do part time.
Anyway, he and 15 other characters convince her that she can do something, like stage non-violent sit-ins at the school and at the courthouse and remain shockingly calm while the dirty liberals flip out. You know, because conservatives always handle themselves so well during protests. But that's not enough for Brooke because she slams into the courtroom and demands to testify, which they just sort of decide to let her do in that exact moment and on a whim. I'm like 85% sure that's not how courtrooms work but they let her anyway because they're really hammering them that this court case is not based on any real court cases. It's just whatever the hell they want it to be.
During the examination, Brooke reveals that Sabrina told her about Jesus before class, which probably inspired her to ask about Jesus in class. So, she was already Jesus tainted. Except that's not true, right? She found her dead brother's Bible that she read and that's what got her to ask the questions.
And even still, all of this is just so stupid and pedantic, which I realize is the point that the movie's making, but again, none of this is real. If a real case played out like this, that'd be interesting and maybe worth learning about. But if it's simply guided by the invisible hand of a screenwriter, then it means and is nothing. And I say this as somebody who is very stupid and pedantic.
Anyway, Pastor David's appendix fucking explodes so he's replaced by, oh no, a girl with weird colored hair. This is the last straw, and Sabrina realizes they're screwed, so she just goes home to eat a massive fuck off cupcake with her grandpa.
Also, we get a fun promo for Mike Huckabee's show, along with some dude named Bruuuu-kks, which is definitely a typo, right? People aren't allowed to spell their name like that. How do you convince the skeptics? Also, it's not that big of a deal, but they cut my guitar off at a weird ass spot right here and it sounds terrible. Either make it sound good or credit me. Or pay me. So whatever.
All seems lost, but then when all hope is nearly extinguished, hot lawyer puts on a nice suit for a change and just starts screaming at Sabrina and forces her to testify. He screams that she should get fired because we should make America into an anti-religious communist state where the secret police murder everybody who believes in anything. Isn't that what you want, jury? Isn't that what you say that you want when you want to be mean to Sabrina? Answer the question! It's very weird. There's no way you could just yell crazy shit at the jury and the judge just lets it happen.
Also, has he had a soul patch this whole time? I mean, that alone is grounds for disbarment. Anyway, I forgot that Amy is sort of in this movie and she has a blog and she's not sure if she's a Christian sale, but then she calls the newsboys mid-concert, and they pray for Sabrina mid-concert, which is objectively the lamest stage banter of all time. Will you guys join me? A newsboy prayer is second only to a Jesus prayer, and they win the case and everybody goes outside to chant, God's not dead, he's surely alive, which again, is not what's at stake here. Like, when was God's aliveness on trial? I feel like they're all watching a different movie for me. Whatever. Then the newsboys sing a song about wanting to be guilty for God, which sounds filthy. And once again, the credits mention all the court cases this was apparently based on, even though, again, why not make the movie an actual court case, then? Also, is Dave still going to jail? I mean, his subpoena thing is still ongoing, yeah? Whatever. What I really want to know is if Sabrina and the hotline are going to do it right there in the courtroom. They should. They won. God would understand. The heck was that?
Apparently the third movie's a collaboration between pure flicks and quality flicks. Now all we need is a partnership with uncut flicks and we'll be ready to really party.
And I guess I was right, because Dave did go to jail for not turning in his sermon transcript, which again has to be available online, right? And if not, does the government assume that somebody sits in the back of a church transcribing what the guy up front says, by hand? Of course not. This isn't your dusty ass college lick classes from the Lord's class. Also, I don't know why they need the transcripts. I don't know why he won't turn them in.
Everybody's an idiot. Anyway, Dave is immediately released because just like in real life, this was deemed unconstitutional. So that subplot was resolved, except not really, because now people are mad that a badass ex-convict pastor is in charge of a church on public school grounds. Apparently Hadley University was built by Dave's church like 150 years ago, and then I guess it became secular, because all things fall apart.
Hold up! Crunk isn't directing this? That's bullshit! Also, yeah, I didn't help with the music. Oh, neither did Will. And it shows. This is the shittiest music in the whole series.
Ahhhhhh!
Fun fact, did you know that Pastor Dave is a co-founder of Pure Flix? I always thought he was very pure. Anyway, the African pastor, apparently named Jude, is announced as the new co-pastor of Dave's church. But as they leave the church, somebody clearly throws a brick through a window, but Dave isn't sh...he's not convinced.
What was that? They chase after the naughty youth, but he's too quick because his feet are aided by sin. Then Jude goes in the church and blows the fuck up! Holy shit! This movie is going hard! No more TED talks, baby! We're doing fire bombings now!
So Jude dies, and the church technically catches on fire, but it's clearly a fake CG fire. Apparently, nobody on the crew had the balls to burn down a real church for their movie.
Suddenly, we see a title card that says 12 hours earlier. Did Christopher Nolan direct this? And what was happening 12 hours ago? Well, this attractive girl was swimming, apparently. Glad we flashed back to that. Her name is Keaton, but apparently has no relation to Batman? Well, that's weird. She's dating this guy named Adam who kisses her full-on-the-mouth like an unclean secular. Then, we cut to a dorm room where the rapper Swayze discusses alternate realities in the Mandela Effect for no apparent reason or payoff, and maybe this is directed by Christopher Nolan.
Or maybe it's a stealth Spider-Man 3 promo? Man, I hope Spider-Man 3 is this good! Kevin Feige is a genius!
Anyway, Adam makes the mistake of saying Keaton's not really a Christian anymore, so she breaks up with him, as people in this series are wont to do. Then she goes to an on-campus ministry thing called the Harbor House, and who's running it? Well, it's Josh Wheaton's pure original uncut butt, baby! I'm always here. Still not related to Joss, which is weird. Apparently, he dropped out of law school so he could come crawling back to Hadley and do churchy stuff.
Cut from there to the sexiest, craziest party you've ever seen in a Pure Flix film. It's so tantalizing.
Adam throws a brick through the church window, and then sneaks in the building to instigate a gas leak in the hopes of murdering Jude and burning down the church. I'm kidding. Apparently, Adam is so hella good at brick throwing, he manages to somehow open a gas tank with the brick on accident. So the whole murder thing is just a wacky misunderstanding. Sorry, Jude.
Now the school really wants to close the church because people are dying there, and there's tons of protests and picketing and they don't outright say it, but they're also probably hoping that if the church leaves, the newsboys will stop hosting concerts in the city. But how will they get rid of the church? Well, by buying it and knocking it down.
Citing imminent domain, apparently. Yippee! The railroad's finally coming to town! Whatever this town is called.
Dave knows that he won't be able to fight the man by himself, so he drives to Chicago to crash his estranged brother's law firm. Turns out that his brother is both named Pierce and once had a big fat Greek wedding. Not to mention, he is the daughter who loves many boys. Dave convinces his brother, who isn't a Christian, to come be his lawyer. He's skeptical, but also he leaves his entire life in Chicago behind for what appears to be several weeks despite not really being an expert in this type of law.
Man, if only Josh Ultron wasn't my fault, Wheaton had finished his law degree or something. Meanwhile, Adam is very sad about the whole murder thing, and he finds Keaton sitting in some bleachers with a bunch of other random people, including this extremely old man, because that's how college athletic fields look and operate, right? And everybody on the crew definitely went to college, right? Anyway, Adam admits everything to Keaton who does the responsible thing and suggests that he not tell anybody else. Adam hates the thought that everybody thinks it was an intentional hate crime murder when really it was just a cartoony mishap. But honestly, given the chances of knocking open a gas tank with a brick through a window into a basement that just so happens to have a faulty, sparky light bulb are so low, police would probably still be on the lookout for a murderer even if he admitted to the brick throwing. Or at least like Roger Rabbit.
I won't believe it. I can't believe it.
Later, Adam admits that he does actually hate the church though, because his mom divorced his dad when he was abusive towards her, and their church just cast her out for leaving him. Interestingly, it's also mentioned offhand in a comedic way that Pierce has been divorced three times, and it's probably also worth mentioning that last year, Pastor Dave himself got divorced in real life, so organize all those thoughts into whatever conclusions you want. But anyway, here's Pierce just chilling at Dave's house and playing with stretchy men and throwing darts and an unexplained painting of a frog, but wait! They're about to bulldoze the church and on a Sunday no less? Chick-fil-A isn't even open yet, you bastards! So Pierce runs to find a judge who is actively in the middle of mass to obtain an injunction, and Dave stalls by filibustering with the Bible. Except, why wasn't Dave at church if it's Sunday morning? Just because his church isn't open doesn't mean he gets a day off. Bad Dave. Later, Dave and Pierce argue about Christianity and how Christians aren't really persecuted as much as they think they are, but then Dave says, yes they are, look at my life!
Except your life is a movie, bruh! Unless this series is supposed to be science fiction or maybe an alternate multi-verse scenario, Chris Nolan! You have done it again, you brilliant son of a bitch! That is my job, that is my profession.
From there, Dave goes on a hot date with this woman who splits her time working at the food kitchen and also, you know, with Charlie Sheen. Also, we get a few fun cameos from conservative heroes like Dana Loesch, Janine Perot or somebody, and also the newsboys because of course!
I can't believe they couldn't get any members of Duck Dynasty for this one. Probably explains why this movie completely freaking bombed compared to the first two.
Anyway, Dave and Pierce decide to use the media to turn the president of the university, Dave's friend Tom, into a villain. This is extremely successful and culminates in Tom getting shit on by conservatives on Facebook and a brick thrown through his window. What was that? This is mostly treated as a good thing, or at least a successful thing. But anyway, Tom's not happy about it, so he goes over to beat the shit out of Dave who also beats the shit out of Tom, and then they go inside, and Dave explains that Jesus was the ultimate social justice warrior which sounds like the worst idea ever for a reality show. Jesus was the ultimate social justice warrior. A bit later, Dave gets an anonymous text that Adam blew up Jude, so he goes and beats the shit out of Adam! Somehow that's grounds for the cops to arrest... Adam? Pierce and Dave argue some more with a bit of tasteful bisexual lighting, and Pierce decides he's going back to Chicago.
So then Dave goes on another date where it's casually mentioned that she's a recovering alcoholic because that gives her character death. King does some sad swimming, because alright, I guess she's a swimmer. And then somehow the water changes her fingernails from gray to black? Could be a continuity error, or it could be another multiverse hint.
And then the church itself becomes space, and I'm convinced this is an interstellar sequel, and Pastor Dave is Matthew McConaughey after he got melted by the black hole. But anyway, now Dave's had enough of being a shithead, and he decides to not press charges against Adam and also kind of patch things up with Tom. He also also drops the lawsuit and decides to take the money and start his own church somewhere else, which is a legitimately surprisingly positive ending. He also makes a bunch of people like candles and shit, which I suppose means that the community is healing, but doesn't really address how easy it was to sick a bunch of Christian assholes on Tom in the first place. But it's fine.
They lit candles. Peace candles.
Probably. And then we get credits, but without a request to join a movement, nor any court cases referenced? God may not be dead, but he's definitely getting a bit lazy. It was just a dream. I mean, I should probably still see a lawyer, just to make sure I don't end up in jail, secular or otherwise, but I know God's not dead for his plan on the way, so maybe I'll hit that. Anyway.
Oh, damn it! They stole all my lower half possessions! Damn it! God is dead!
Thanks for meeting me in my home office. It's just, you know, why pay the overhead? Is this wicker? Just tell me what happened.
Weirdly, the whole movie begins with an intro from the Pure Flix guy standing in front of a trailer and sort of explaining why they keep making these freaking movies. He says it's because he wants to bring God back into the classroom. But I think it's because he's divorced now and has nothing else going on in his life, and it probably also explains why he's living in a trailer too. Anyway, after that little spiel, Pastor Dave tees up a recap of the first three movies which is literally what I've been doing. Asshole! He also claims that there will be spaceships and car crashes in the movie and he laughs like it's a little joke, but is it? Okay, so the movie itself opens with a bunch of patriotic stock footage of Washington, D.C. presented over that famous Reagan speech about how every generation needs to earn its freedom, like how we're only ever one generation away from McDonald's paying their employees more and raising their prices. Then, Pastor Dave nervously washes his face in a bathroom, presumably trying to get all the dirty liberal air off him. But then, Christopher Nolan sneaks back into the editing room to add a one-week earlier overlay.
Just one scant week ago, a very Christian-looking suburban mom who just so happens to be a popular Christian singer in real life homeschools a bunch of neighborhood kids with the help of Pastor Dave who teaches them the story of Noah. You know, the art guy, saved all the animals, was seen buck-ass naked by his son and he was shamed? Anyway, we're just lucky that Pastor Dave made it at all, because as he says, prison ministry went long. You know how those prison ministries go long at 8 a.m. on a weekday? We've all been there, Dave.
Elsewhere in the world, the Chinese guy Martin and the Muslim girl from the first movie, Aisha, have a discussion about political freedom that's less a conversation and more awkward recitations of potentially worrisome headlines about Christianity abroad. For example, Martin says he can't go back to China because Christians are so persecuted there. And they both admit that they feel very alone in their faith because their families don't like them anymore because they keep making these movies. But on a happier note, a government rep checks on the homeschoolers and is not impressed with Pastor Dave's boring-ass nudity-free rendition of Noah.
He should have shown the kids the Aronofsky movie or something. Anyway, she recommends that the kids get sent to the public school nearby where they'll be forced to watch Mother every single day forever. No! And just to make sure conservatives watching this movie really hate this woman, she snottily claims to a kid that she is self-partnered, which caused the entire theater I was in to grow. Of course, that also could have been because everybody in the theater was over 60 and deep into their third buckets of popcorn by this point. Ultimately, a judge agrees with her and says if the parents don't send their kids away, they'll get fined and eventually thrown in a secular jail where they'll be forced to watch Requiem for a dream every day.
Also, we learn one of the kids is borderline special needs and he's sad because his dad died during an Air Force training exercise because of a mechanical malfunction, but the mom claims that she knows what that really means, but what does it really mean? He was assassinated, abducted by aliens, died in a horrific mid-air auto-erotic asphyxiation airplane accident. What the hell is she talking about?
Anyway, a few of the parents and Pastor Dave head to Washington, D.C. to testify before a Senate subcommittee about why homeschooling totally rocks. This is an important theme in the film as several characters mentioned how Christians have stayed out of politics for far too long and they've allowed the country to backslide into godless, freedomless evil. And now, we gotta stand up and fight back or else we'll end up like those horrible European countries with all their healthcare and their free college. The main reasons presented as why homeschooling is for cool kids are that they don't want to learn revisionist history, i.e. the founding fathers own slaves. They want to be able to teach the Bible. They don't think the special needs kid would get the care he needs, which seems odd, and because their second grader was handed a pamphlet explaining birth control. Oh, and also, because China banned homeschooling it, and now look. There are additionally many comparisons to fighting the Nazis, which I guess is just like trying to homeschool your kids. I mean, that's what all those GIs died for, right? The right to teach your kid that Satan invented geometry, which is why Mommy doesn't feel like teaching it today. Oh, subplot this hot teen boy buys a hot car from a hot teen girl, and they sort of have a whole thing going on in the background in case you were curious. Before the hearing, Pastor Dave meets with a friendly congressman who says that the real problem here is that liberals don't believe in truth, and they're using common court to destroy everything so they can gain power with which to promote their evil agendas, but that's a known fact, right? Everybody knows that. And also, Thanksgiving was like pretty Christian, and we don't say that in school a lot, so checkmate, we need homeschooling. Oh, and let's back up on that subplot.
Uh oh, the hot teen girl's hot not teen mom is the hot judge who said all those hot kids had to go to hot school. A hot twist!
Secondary subplot, Aisha's car gets obliterated by a truck and flips approximately 30 times, propelling her into a coma. I guess there was at least one car crash. It was right. This gets her abusive dad to come see her finally, and an old-as-shit doctor recommends that he pray for her. He does, and they're united again at the end of the film and she wakes up. Spoiler, double spoiler, nobody else in the film is ever aware that Aisha got hit by a car. Not even Martin who texts her constantly throughout the film until she just stops texting her back because she was hit by a car, and I guess he just stops thinking about her entirely.
Kind of like I did, honestly, if we're being honest, which I strive to be. Then, back in the hearing, the single widow mom claims that she's super smart because she used to work at NASA, so don't act like Christians are anti-science and flat earthers. Double checkmate, you fictional congresspeople in this fictional setting. This fictional woman is canonically smart in this fictional world. Also, that sort of counts as a spaceship illusion, yeah?
What other clues did Pastor Dave drop in that opening? Is my wife also going to leave me? Anyway, there's also much scoffing at fictional experts and several not-at-all veiled threats from Pastor Dave who claims that if you attack the church, the church will rise up and... and what? Overthrow the government? Sorry, I just don't see Pastor Dave and this Christian country singer usurping the federal government no matter how many currently unemployed ex-NASA employees they have in their ranks.
Also, a cell phone went off for like three minutes during the scene because again, everybody in the theater was 60. Then the movie drops the final hammer.
Did you know that 75 percent of homeschoolers aren't even conservative Christians? I mean, that's not literally true since actually only about 25 percent aren't Christian, but I guess they found their own truth. But hey, this random woman says, yeah, I'm not a conservative Christian. I homeschool my kids so they don't have to get vaccinated, which totally sounds like a progressive stance.
Also, again, everybody in the theater cheered at this line, which means I 100 percent have COVID now, so... and I guess you do too. Sorry. This inspires Pastor Dave to go back into the hearing and yell a bunch about freedom and why it's so important, how they're stealing our freedom, and the government should work for us, dammit. And the movie doesn't show us if they win because it's not actually a court case so none of it actually matters, but the hot judge lady does decide not to throw them in jail. So that's nice.
Also, apparently some guy named Pancho did the music? They got Don Quixote right here! And they go with Pancho?
And then finally, finally, we get another hashtag God's Not Dead for those that wanna, I don't know, meet up, talk about God. Maybe storm the capital or something, I don't know, we'll see what happens. No, I mean like, what happened with the dream? Oh yeah, they put me in a secular jail because I doubted God's aliveness. Why not a Christian jail? That's a great question.
Were you wearing pants at the movie? No, it's not. The pant store wasn't on the way to the theater.
Oh yeah, you're definitely going to jail for that. Secular too. Ahh, crap. |
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