section
stringclasses 14
values | filename
stringlengths 3
100
| text
stringlengths 77
235k
|
|---|---|---|
cracked | 5_of_the_creepiest_adult_jokes_in_muppet_tv_history_canonball | Can I have one final kiss? Are we after the others?
Hold it! Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Ah!
Happy New Year, Miss Figgy. Jim Henson's little puppet buddies have occupied a unique space in the American zeitgeist for almost seven decades. Most iterations of these fuzzy little freaks are for children. Watch as these creatures bear all for our cameras. But as we'll see, late night talk show hosts can't stop attempting to canonize their sexual proclivities.
If I kissed you, would you turn to a prince? We could try it.
Nobody can stay in the limelight that long without making some problematic allies. Today, I'm uncovering some of the most regrettable celebrity collabs the Muppets have ever taken part in, from Ellen to Matt Lauer to Jared, the goddamn subway guy. Then we'll get into the sordid past of one of the Muppets' own godfathers. This is Cannonball. Ellen DeGeneres has had one of the most bombastic heel turns in talk show history. Known for decades as a kind, lovable goofball, she's more recently faced allegations of bullying, cruelty, and accusations of simply being a bit much.
How was the party? I wasn't invited. Actually, no, that's not the truth, Ellen. You were invited.
In light of her cruel treatment of celebrities and employees alike, her 2011 interview with Kermit the Frog takes on a much more sinister tone. As she's wont to do, Ellen puts Kermit in the hot seat about his love life. Is this a sore subject, this on-again, off-again relationship with your girlfriend, Miss Piggy? With Miss Piggy?
You know, I figure I just have to be straight, you know? If that looks familiar, that's because this is a pattern for Ellen.
Just ask Taylor Swift. You were here with your boyfriend Zac Efron last time. How's he doing? We actually never dated. Yes, you did. In fact, it's almost an accidental parody of her harassment of Taylor beep for beep. I don't know. I haven't talked to him in a while, because we didn't date. Yes, you did. Why do you deny it? Because we didn't. Oh, OK.
Here, Swift makes an impassioned plea to quit playing this humiliating game. I don't know what I'm... You're supposed to ring.
But I don't want to. I don't want to.
I'm so excited, I'm in love with my wife.
Taylor fell victim to the humiliating charade. But Kermit manages to wriggle out of her grasp and even win over her audience.
I don't know. Maybe some of your audience has actually dated a pig. It's possible. Yeah. But, um, yeah, I think so, I think so.
Now, by most accounts, Ellen simply sucks. But there is a bona fide creeper that the Muppets have cozied up to for decades.
Major thing that's changed since you were here last? Yes. I have now seen you naked. Let's take a look at the timeline of Matt Lauer's long, romantic, overtly sexual history with Miss Piggy. Are you not in a good mood this morning? I'm fine with you. I mean, you and I had a wonderful night last night. Did we not?
On New Year's Day 1998, Miss Piggy shows up for an interview, implying she's in the midst of a walk of shame. I am exhausted to make it over the interview place. She's determined to make it clear in front of witnesses that their New Year's Eve date was a one and done. I only agreed to do the show this morning because there was no other way to dump you. She strongly implies that he kissed her against her will. Yes. Can we just say that when a person picks up a pig at a date, at our date, that the New Year's kiss does not begin at 6.30 PM?
Kind of haunting now, knowing the credible and violent allegations made against Lauer. He explains that it wasn't his fault. She was asking for it by the way she dressed. But I was in split this outfit. I was inspired. She goes on to tell him his behavior is getting very close to stalking. Now, stalking isn't among the laundry list of allegations made against him. But Lauer does have a history of getting too close for comfort. He allegedly gave a coworker a sex toy as a gift and once told Anne Hathaway, Anne Hathaway, good morning.
Nice to see you. Morning, Matt. Seen a lot of you lately. Sorry about that.
After extremely invasive paparazzi photos of her were leaked, implying that he took a good, long look. Now, he caps off this primetime creeperama by pressuring Miss Piggy into a public mouthing.
You can go home, but can I have one final kiss? Are we after the others?
Hold it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ah! Happy new year, Miss Piggy. And there's one last clip that, blessedly, doesn't feature Miss Piggy, but does, horrifyingly, feature a puppet version of Lauer in a now-chilling exchange with his co-anchor. And we've got so much coming up in this half hour, I don't know where to begin. Good. Because once you get started, there's no stopping you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yikes, Amundo. Let's move on from one sex pest to a far worse sex pest. Ah!
Jared Fogle was arrested in 2015 for receipt and distribution of, ah! And somehow, that's a tame description of the horrors he's responsible for. The Muppets teamed up with Subway to promote Muppets Most Wanted, a year before his arrest, but seven years after he was first credibly accused of his horrendous behavior, which makes the Muppets fawning over this predator a little jarring. Jared, oh, I am your biggest fan. You know you're more handsome and personal than I can be. But that doesn't mean the Muppets themselves are monsters. They may not have known what a psychopath this guy was. Or did they?
Oh, he's so dreamy. He wants more food. He does?
How so, Miss Piggy? How does Jared Fogle remind you of Kermit? What are you implying? What are you hiding? Well, turns out, Kermit himself has a history of hiding his own bad behavior in plain sight. He started out a perfect gentleman, deflecting lewd prompts from Joan Rivers in 1986. Do you think you're a good lover? Well, you see, this is the complete Kermit that you're looking at, is it? By 1994, you can see he started to take the low road, taking jabs at Miss Piggy when the two of them were on a break.
Who is she involved with? Is she seeing anybody right now? I hear that she has been seen around town with Tom Arnold. She's a pig.
What can I say? It's the 90s now. We can do whatever they want. And they can even be pigs. Nothing personal.
In 2002, he went full villain mode during his appearance on Craig Kilborn's show. When presented with a picture of himself with Kylie Minogue, Kermit visibly shudders and says, What do you think? Makes me all warm and fuzzy. I think I might have just wet your leather here. An uncharacteristically horny, but ultimately harmless joke. But it gets worse later in the show.
With Ass Gate, 2002. Ass Gate, Ass Gate, Ass Gate, Ass Gate, Ass Gate.
Ow! What happened?
He pinched my ass. Did you just pinch her ass? I can't even reach her. Did you pinch her ass?
No! Incorrect! No!
Another tragic tale of a small town actor who tasted Hollywood success was corrupted by his own fame and fortune. My hat is off to brave Muppets like Bruno the Trash Man. Every yucky cloud contains trash out of heaven. Harvey Knee Slapper. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Who retired before this industry, turned them into a shriveled husk of the men they once were.
I'm not actually gonna take my hat off, but you know, metaphorically. You know, I'm in a very dangerous position for you. Without teeth, it might be a great position for me. |
dropout | It_s_Hard_Being_Married_to_the_Sea | Hey Grant. Hey Jess.
What's wrong? You seem upset. My boyfriend and me got in a fight last night. I'm sorry. What was it about? I mean that's the thing. One second we're like talking about dinner and then the next we're just screaming at each other. Like I don't know. I hate when that happens.
Your relationships are so hard. So hard. Don't you agree Captain Blackwood? Every day is a life and death struggle when you're married to the sea. Yes it takes a lot of work.
I just got into something with this guy and physically the connection is great but emotionally something feels off. Every night I stare into the inky darkness, watching, waiting, desperately seeking the foul behemoth that took me there and I'm like hello sea am I invisible? Yes exactly it's like I'm being vulnerable and I'm not getting anything reciprocated. I mean it takes time you know and if it is right it will work out eventually. I hope so. I really want to make it work with this guy. Exposing your soft underbelly to the harshness of nature is a risk for only the bravest soul. It is so true. I mean being vulnerable is brave and me and my boyfriend we try to be and sometimes it works and other times like last night not so much.
Oh tell me about it. At one moment a sea is tranquil and at the next a violent maelstrom that makes you turn to the heavens and pray to God for salvation. Completely unpredictable. No explanation. Like I'm supposed to just know what's wrong.
Yeah exactly. Hello I am not a mind reader people okay don't make me pull this information out of you bit by bit. Ugh. Now in the tough times do you ever think about leaving? Yeah you know I used to.
The sea will destroy me. But then there's so much more good than bad you know it's like my boyfriend is so thoughtful and kind and funny. Ugh the sea air is intoxicating and sirens call luring me to the briny deep what promises a treasure and adventure beyond your wildest imagination. It also gives me crabs. Oh whoa hey. Oh no crabs is in the kind you eat. Oh. The sea is full of them. Sure. Yeah no they're delicious. Oh I love shellfish. The sea is my mistress and I'll love no other. Oh that is so romantic.
Oh when it works it works it's like the perfect storm. Perfect storm button down the axis.
Oh no oh my god no that's not what I meant. Yeah no. Ha of course no possible way the sea could be around here right now.
Well you're both much further along than I am. I'm still nervous about noticing where my friends. Oh my god that is the real test. My best friend hated my boyfriend when they first met.
Many a crewman I've lost to the fickle whims of the sea. Their bodies dashed upon the jagged rocks. It's like the sea doesn't want me to have my own friends or my own life. I want to go on land sometimes you know. Well you can't please everybody what's important is that you and the sea are happy.
Stubbs. Pippen. Manx. All good men. All dead.
Well thanks for talking with me guys I feel a lot better. I'm gonna text my boyfriend and apologize.
Captain Blackwood I gotta ask you. Is it true there's plenty of fish in the sea? Speak ill of my sea wife will ya? I stab at thee. Oh my god Grant you can't say that.
I didn't know I am so sorry. exclusive dropout discord where I'll talk about college loans and sketches a full week earlier like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
That's my one thing. That's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I need it. Bit by bit.
In the tough times do you ever think about leaving? Yeah you know I used to.
The sea will destroy me. But then there's so much more good than bad you know it's like my boyfriend is so thoughtful and kind and funny. The sea air is intoxicating. The sirens call luring me to the briny deep what promises a treasure an adventure beyond your wildest imagination. It also gives me crabs. Oh whoa hey. Oh no crabs is in the kind you eat. The sea is full of them. Sure. Yeah no they're delicious. I love shellfish. The sea is my mistress and I'll love no other. Oh that is so romantic.
When it works it works it's like the perfect storm. Perfect storm button down the oxygen.
Oh no oh my god no that's not what I meant. Yeah no. Of course no possible way the sea could be around here right now.
Well you're both much further along than I am. I'm still nervous about noticing my friends. Oh my god that is the real test. My best friend hated my boyfriend when they first met.
Many a crewman I've lost to the fickle whims of the sea. Their bodies dashed upon the jagged rocks. It's like the sea doesn't want me to have my own friends or my own life. I want to go on land sometimes you know. Well you can't please everybody. What's important is that you and the sea are happy.
Stubbs. Pippen. Manx. All good men. All dead.
Well thanks for talking with me guys I feel a lot better. I'm gonna text my boyfriend and apologize.
Captain Blackwood I gotta ask you. Is it true there's plenty of fish in the sea? Speak ill of my sea wife will ya?
I stab at thee. Oh my god Grant. You can't say that. I didn't know. I am so sorry. exclusive drop that discord where I'll talk about college loans and sketches a full week earlier like this one about my student loans I studied acting you took out loans to study acting it's my one thing that's my whole deal sign up for your free trial today then pay after that I I need it |
dropout | comfortable_with_him_lingerie | You're sexy, you're flirty, you're comfortable around him. So why not let him know with the Comfortable With Him Collection? Our collection features only the baggiest panties, sturdiest yoga pants, and sports bras you've had since middle school. Get way too secure in your relationship in an extra-large Looney Tunes t-shirt. Or stop trying altogether with the scrunchie for your greasy, unstreatened hair. There's a Comfortable With Him intimate for your every mood. Torn, unwashed, stained, and period-stained. Tell him it's a Watch Netflix kind of night in a pair of flannel pajamas. Or bathrobe in a pair of hands from when you were fat. Heat things up with a layer of body hair because you haven't shaved in a month. Or just let him know he won't be getting a blow job tonight by putting in whitening strips right before bed. Comfortable With Him for those times when you want to say things are good, but not great. And check out our Comfortable With Her Collection.
Tammy Taylor Sohan. Hey guys, thanks so much for watching. If you like the video, please feel free to post it on Facebook, tweet about it, group media to your pals, text it to your exes, call your aunt, and play the audio for her on the telephone.
Take a screen grab, print a few copies, leave it at post offices. Take a screen grab, print a few copies, leave it at most offices.
But most importantly, don't forget to like and subscribe. I love you, Pat.
For Frodo.
Bye! |
dropout | the_dangers_of_binge_watching | How are you feeling, Jeremy? I'm not surprised.
You were up binging all night, and this is how you pay for it. I wasn't... binging. Don't give me that, Jeremy. You were up all night binge-watching TV shows. Please don't say TV. Bet your eyes are pretty sore from all that screen-staring, huh? Yeah, and I have a really awful taste in my mouth.
Maybe this has something to do with it? Maybe.
Did you watch the whole thing? It started out so fun, and then by the end it was so... No, Jesus Christ. What else did you watch? I don't know, Mom. It's all blurring together. This is what happens when you watch it all at once. Your body can't process all that television. Mom, I don't remember any of the second season of Friend Night Lights.
It's probably for the best. Are you watching these television shows because you like it? Or because you think it's cool? I don't know. Well, you're going to be going to college soon. And you need to understand the dangers of this. There's Hulu, and Netflix, and crackle, and crackle cocaine. Television should be a social thing. Do you understand that? You watch a couple episodes with some friends.
Like Joey and Chandler? No, not like Joey and Chandler.
Smart ass. I'm not going to turn into one of those guys who just goes to work and then comes home and watches TV. Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you talking about Grandpa Don? Is that who you're talking about? Because you know it runs in the family, right? You understand how that works? Okay, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told you before. One Christmas, Grandpa Don watched a Christmas story for 24 hours straight. Do you understand what that means?
He watched it, and then it stopped, and then it would start again, and it stopped, and then it would start again.
Mom, can we please talk about this a little later? Fine, but I don't want you to think that you're not in trouble because you are. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. |
SaturdayNightLive | twitter_council_snl | On October 27th, Elon Musk completed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter. on October 28th, Musk publicly announced a Content Moderation Council to review previously banned accounts, then promptly fired thousands of Twitter employees. So things are going great. we now go live to the first Content Moderation Council meeting. Good morning everyone. today we will decide if suspended accounts will be let back on Twitter. And who better to do it than us, the only two Twitter employees who haven't been laid off. yet. Alright, let's begin our first banned account. state your name. yeah, you wish.
But here's what I will tell you. the Covid Pandemic was created by Big Pharma to silence me. everybody tries to silence me. Ma'am, please speak at a lower volume. I'm sorry, am I too loud for your precious intensive care units? you aren't even sick!
And why were you banned? Posted whole. Fine. Up next we have banned Twitter user Alphadogofwar. Hoorah! Oh, a veteran. in a manner of speaking, yes. I served honorably in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. I see. And why were you banned? One of my own squad mates killed me, then laughed about it and called me a boomer.
So I did what any hero would do. I posted his real name, home address, and middle school schedule. and said, Twitter, do your thing! I mean, sounds harmless, right? Yeah. Next! hi.
Oh my God, your profile is so funny. I love funny guys. well, thank you very much. But why were you banned? they said I was a bot, which is crazy. I'm a woman, and I love funny guys like you. in fact, you should check out this website where me and some other girls hang out. and meet cute guys. www.sexpalace.bitcoinscam.iraq Sounds a little too good to be true. Oh my God, you're so funny.
I bet you have an awesome social security number. it's nothing crazy, it's just 043. No, no, no, don't tell her. why not? we vibing. Okay, who's next? what's good? I'm here on behalf of Black Twitter. and we heard that Elon Musk was going to charge us $8 to use Twitter. And we just want to say, nah, Dawg. we'd rather cross our asses on over to my space and get that popping again. noted. I will see you there. All right, next account.
Oh my God. hello. that's right, it's me, Donald John Trump. just John, not Jonathan. But I know many Jonathans, and I respect all of them. But none more than Jtd himself, Jonathan De La Damas, who is a personal friend of mine. you know, I saw him on Home Improvement, I said, that kid's going to be a star. and he was for a very brief time. But Jtd wasn't very nice to Chevy Chase and Man of the House, was he? and many are saying, Chevy, not very nice on set of community. won't be back for a reboot. can you believe that?
Sure, but why do you want to be back on Twitter? I mean, didn't you start your own social media website? excuse me. excuse me. Excuse me. excuse me. Yes, we've all moved to True Social, and we love True Social. it's very great, and in many ways also terrible. It's very bad. very, very bad. it's a little buggy in terms of making the phone screen crack and the automatically draining of the venmo. Anyway, let me back on Twitter.
I'll do another. Go Vivi. I won't do anything bad except maybe Koo. All right. might as well roll the dice, right?
Oh, Iman just tweeted, and we're laid off, too. Oh, yay, we're finally free. Whoo! So to review previously banned accounts, then promptly fired thousands of Twitter employees. So things are going great. we now go live to the first Content Moderation Council meeting. good morning, everyone. today we will decide if suspended accounts will be led back on Twitter. And who better to do it than us, the only two Twitter employees who haven't been laid off? yet. All right, let's begin our first banned account. State your name. yeah, you wish.
But here's what I will tell you. the Covid Pandemic was created by Big Pharma to silence me. everybody tries to silence me. Ma'am, please speak at a lower volume. I'm sorry. am I too loud for your precious intensive care units? you aren't even sick.
And why were you banned? Posted whole. Fine. Up next, we have banned Twitter user Alphadogofwar. Hoo-rah! Oh, a veteran. in a manner of speaking, yes. I served honorably in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. I see. And why were you banned? One of my own squad mates killed me, then laughed about it, and called me a boomer. So I did what any hero would do. I posted his real name, home address, and middle school schedule. and said, twitter, do your thing. I mean, sounds harmless, right? Next. hi.
Oh, my God. your profile is so funny. I love funny guys. well, thank you very much. But why were you banned? they said I was a bot, which is crazy. I'm all women, and I love funny guys like you. in fact, you should check out this website where me and some other girls hang out and meet cute guys. www.sexpalace.bitcoinscam.iraq. Sounds a little too good to be true. Oh, my God. you're so funny.
I bet you have an awesome social security number. it's nothing crazy. it's just 043. no, no, no, don't tell her. why not? we vibing. Okay. who's next? what's good? I'm here on behalf of Black Twitter, and we heard that Elon Musk was going to charge us $8 to use Twitter, and we just want to say, nah, Dawg. we'd rather cross our asses on over to my space and get that popping again. I will see you there. All right. next account. Oh, my God. hello. that's right. it's me, Donald John Trump.
Just John, not Jonathan. But I know many Johnathans, and I respect all of them, but none more than Jtd himself, Jonathan De La Damas, who is a personal friend of mine. you know, I saw him on Home Improvement. I said, that kid's going to be a star, and he was for a very brief time. Jtd wasn't very nice to Chevy Chase and Man of the House, was he? And many are saying, Chevy, not very nice on set of community. won't be back for a reboot. can you believe that? uh, sure.
But why do you want to be back on Twitter? I mean, didn't you start your own social media website? Excuse me. excuse me. excuse me. excuse me. Yes, we've all moved to True Social, and we love True Social. it's very great. and, in many ways, also terrible. it's very bad. very, very bad. it's a little buggy in terms of making the phone screen crack and the automatically draining of the venmo. Anyway, let me back on Twitter.
I'll do another Gofivi. I won't do anything bad except maybe ee-coo. All right. might as well roll the dice, right?
Oh, Elon just tweeted, and, uh, we're laid off, too. Oh, yay! we're finally free! Thank you. |
ClickHole | these_6_people_singing_different_everclear_songs_simultaneously_will_make_you_feel_feels | Father of mine, tell me where have you been? Here is the money that I owe you. Yes, you can pay the bills. I will get more when I get paid again. I hate those people who don't love to tell you. Money is the result.
They have never been poor. They have never been on a welfare Christmas.
Do you believe I'll find myself in the morning? No, we will never look back. I don't want to be a sad guy. I don't want to be your sweetheart. And if one day I will see the rest of my life. And I will try to shake away this disease. Yes, I'm doing okay. I'm losing the strangest guy. Do you believe he actually thinks that I am really a liar?
I will buy you a garden. Where your flowers can sleep. I will buy you a new car. Perfect, shiny, and new. I will buy you a big house. Way up in the west. Now I will buy you a house. Yes, I will.
And holler for the things you took away. I don't want to be a good guy. I don't want to be your home quarantine plan. And I want to run back to a brand-new day. My pension's only for the right way. Now I want to be a sad guy. I won't be your sleepwalk dance anymore, I just want to feel sunshine, I want to find a place to be involved, I'm going to put you in the middle of the ocean, I'm going to leave the bar, I'm going to watch the world die, I'm going to be inside the ocean, I'm going to watch the world die, I'm going to live in a big house way up in the well, I will buy you a new life, yes I will, I will buy you a new life, I will buy you a new life Everything is wonderful now Everything is wonderful now Nah, nah. |
TheOnion | Advocacy_Group_Mothers_Have_Right_To_Expose_Milk_Engorged_Breasts_In_Public | The right to breastfeed in public is protected by law in many states. However, our guest this morning is here to tell us that many nursing mothers still feel discriminated against. Here with us is Grace Daniels from Feed Where We Please, a group which aims to increase acceptance of public breastfeeding.
Hi, Grace. Good morning. Good to see you. Hi. It's my pleasure to be here.
Any chance to talk about breastfeeding is a joy for me. So you say that you feel that some women that are nursing in public are discouraged by society? Jim, there's a shocking amount of discrimination out there. That's why my group is committed to protecting a woman's right to nurse wherever and whenever she pleases, whether it's in a park or while sharing a seat with a stranger on a Ferris wheel. So you're trying to change attitudes about breastfeeding? It's more than that. This is a civil rights issue.
Let's say you happen to be breastfeeding in the background of some stranger's photo. They'll ask you to move out of frame or online at the DMV. Someone will ask you to move away so your infant doesn't splatter warm milk on their toes. And that's where your organization's nurse out loud pledge comes in. Yes, we're asking women to sign a contract promising to nurse in public every single time they breastfeed, even if it means driving to a Taco Bell at 2 a.m. so that strangers can watch as her toothless child noisily slurps and swallows her rich breast milk.
Fantastic. That is wonderful.
Now, you've also been organizing these so-called nurse-ins to take place in elevators and crowded coffee shops across the nation. And you also testified in front of Congress, I understand, to support the cause.
We actually have some footage of that to take a look at. Well, look at that.
Now, what can those of us who are not nursing moms do to support the cause? You can help spread the word by visiting the Feed Where We Please website and buying one of our T-shirts.
I think I could even wear one of those. Probably. Jim, we won't stop our fight until Breastfeeding Mother can start to nurse anywhere. I see. And everyone will stop what they're doing, watch her do it, and tell her how beautiful it is. That is interesting. I dream of a day when a woman's worth will be based not on her intelligence, ability, or beauty, but on the frequency with which she exposes her engorged mammary glands to strength. Look at that.
You're doing it right now.
Her infants may feast on her warm life-giving fluids. Okay. Isn't that amazing? Wow. You don't even need a baby to breastfeed. Well, that is really something. Yes.
And Grace Daniels of Feed Where We Please, thank you so much for being our guest this morning. Thank you, Grace. Now, you stay tuned, because coming up next, we have a visit from a man who had a near-death experience and is dedicating the rest of his life to helping himself. Stay tuned. Great. |
dropout | if_people_asked_questions_like_they_do_on_facebook | All rise, the prince of Facebook! What's going on? That's the Facebook prince! We must respect him and his requests.
My parents are coming into town this week. I'm looking for a suggestion of a restaurant. Go. Garage Pizza, my lord. It's a very good pizza place on the east side. It's a little expensive, but totally worth it. I'm not feeling pizza.
You.
Well, perhaps Mohawk Bend, my liege. Very good craft beer and vegan food. Vegan food? Gross. I'm looking for real suggestions. It might help if we knew more information.
Where you're coming from or what your price range is. My location and price range are none of your concern.
Now, I'm looking for suggestions of a new book. Just any book? Any book as long as it's good.
You. Well, if I may be so bold, you have to read The Devil in the White City. It's the gripping true story of a serial killer at the 1893 World's Fair. Non-fiction? Yes. Non-Thanks. You. Perhaps The Goldfinch. Your Highness, it won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction last year. It's a beautiful story. Pulitzer Prize? Yes. So all of our mothers have read it? I'm sorry. Reading is for nerds! It's very funny.
I don't get it. Why is he being so vague?
He's sure you're crazy. No, he could just look this stuff up himself. What was that? You've done it now. You. With the yellow hair. Forgive her my leave. She is simple in the head. How about helpful suggestions only from here on out? Okay. This is ridiculous. Why don't you just go look this stuff up by yourself? Siobhan. No! You could just google all of these things. You would get pretty much the exact same information and you wouldn't be making other people do all of those things. I'm not sure.
I'm going to put you in the box.
You could just type in the exact same information and you wouldn't be making other people do all of your research for you. Simpleton is right. Yeah. Facebook is not a search engine for lazy people. Why should I have to look this stuff up? I'm entitled to this.
I'm going on a long road trip and I need suggestions for a podcast.
No. We won't listen to your requests any longer. We don't have to do anything you say.
Down with the Facebook Prince. down with the Facebook Prince! Down with the Facebook Prince. Down with the Facebook Prince!
Anyone else having trouble with the Wi-Fi? |
dropout | the_babies_are_on_fire_hardly_working | Now it's a little smaller than it should be for my frame, but I think I'm really starting to catch some definition on my bicep. Where is it? It's on my arm.
Hey, do you guys smell something? Oh my god! The office daycare is on fire again! What are you waiting for? Help her! I'm gonna do something! Wait, wait, wait, wait, look! The kids are saving themselves! What? Look! The little toddler in the blue overall, she's pulling that little girl out who's trapped under a beam! Yes! This is so inspiring.
Okay, whatever. Call 911. There's no need.
It looks like they've got this. Now do we know if they're the hashtag? This gives me so much hope for the future. Same. Look!
That little girl is corralling all of her friends into the least smoke-filled corner of the room! And this adorable little guy is trying to smother the flames with his blankie!
Aww! You know, I think we're gonna be okay. Of course you're gonna be okay! I'm in humanity.
Wow, yeah. Yeah, wow.
Not above and beyond. Not above and beyond! Bare minimum!
You two should also be helping! But what can I, as one person, even do here?
Oh yeah, we'd be drops in a bucket. That is a perfect analogy for what's going on right now! We don't have enough drops in the bucket.
We can't put the fire out! These babies are beautiful!
I'm so sorry!
Look at everything they've done in the middle of a fire, no less.
It is inspiring and we also should be helping. Honestly, I'm gonna let these kids teach me a thing or two. These kids are gonna save us. You don't need saving! These kids are gonna show us the way. You know the way. Only I had the strength to do what they're doing when I was their age. You can do it right now!
Wow. That's what you get for getting your hopes up.
Yeah, nothing ever changes.
Because you two didn't help! Hey, that's not fair!
Yeah, if I'd been in that daycare, I'd have put the fire out with my bare hands. And if someone had told me to help, I would have helped.
Hey! You little tykes made it! Way to go!
Could we make sure the daycare doesn't catch on fire anymore? Aww.
Sounds like this little guy hates freedom. Who paid this child to say that?
If I just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD. Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
dropout | honest_college_tour | Hi everyone, thank you for joining us on this college tour. Now I'm going to start this off as usual with a little can joke about walking backwards. Right after, right after. I'm loving this already. I hate this already. Now as you'll soon see, every college is pretty much exactly the same.
Oh I know, she's dragged me to eight schools so far. I can't wait to get out of the house. How about a couple boring facts that you could easily look up on Wikipedia. I know all this information, I've actually already been accepted and I'm going to mention it a lot. Oh, one of those. Yes, my daughter's very gifted and I'm going to be mentioning that a lot. Oh, you're even worse. I'm never getting in here, I'm never getting it anywhere. Ooh, fun fact, a magazine no one reads actually rated us the number two best mid-sized liberal arts college in the northeast, excluding Vermont. Woohoo, I went here. I can tell.
Up first is our science building. Oh, wow, that is the ugliest building I've ever seen. Yes it is. This concrete monstrosity was built in the 1970s.
Everyone's got a derogatory nickname for it and it's never coming down. Does anyone have any questions? No problem, no one ever does.
Now it's time to show off our new state of the art dorms. That's where I want to live when I go here because I've already gotten accepted. My daughter's entitled to nice things.
Yeah, there's no way you're living there. It only houses a couple dozen students. Everyone else lives in the tenement buildings across state lines.
This is a statue of our school's founder Thaddeus Quendleton, some old random white guy. Now every finals period, the students will come and vandalize the statue with articles of clothing in the name of tradition. It's fun. I remember dressing up old Thaddeus.
Hey, can I hijack this tour to tell stories of my time here? I wish you wouldn't, but I'm too weak to tell you no. Hey, I want to impress my kid. It's not working. I hate this. Does anyone have any questions? I'm running out of things to say. I'm still trying to find myself, and I'm having a hard time, so I need attention! Can't joke to have cut the tension. The light laughter, the light laughter, the light laughter. And that concludes our tour. Looks like half of you are gone either from lack of interest or genuinely getting lost, so are there any other questions? Actually, I have a weirdly specific question. I definitely don't know the answer to that, but if this school has taught me anything, it's how to lie convincingly and pretend I know what I'm talking about when I don't. So does that help? Not at all. But the pressure of being around strangers makes me not want to push the issue.
Perfect. Well, if you think of any other questions, here is my card. You can reach me there. Thank you. I'm going to throw this in the garbage. Of course you are. Good luck finding your car in our parking lot.
Woo! Look at me! Woo! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Big_Screw_Up_Harold_Holt_2_0_Business_In_Bankstown_More_July_23 | You're listening to the Matoota Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Matoota Advocate weekly bulletin, there's been a lot going on in the news, our Prime Minister seems to be fighting for his political life, Errol Parker is still considered a close contact and in quarantine after he went to the Lord Kidman Hotel in order to schooner just a couple meters away from a couple of boomers that had come through, snuck up the old Ice Road Highway from New South Wales up to Cunnamulla, so he's a close contact, we've got two weeks of this, but we're holding the fort well, how are you Wendell?
Yeah I'm all right Clancy, it seems like it's all around us at the moment, all this COVID, but what do you do other than just keep on trucking, how are you going?
Yeah not too bad mate, not too bad, I'm enjoying it, Queensland obviously not a big concern unless you're you know in Errol's position where you're unlucky enough to be exposed to someone from down south with that Bondi itchy lung, but yeah look, look, doing well mate, pubs are still open, laughing Yeah thankfully they locked those boomers up, now let's get into it with the biggest story of the week, the headline reads, report Scotty you have well and truly fucked this one mate Yes with major capitals and now even the region's in lockdown this week, it was revealed that the man in charge of the country has made a real fucking meal of this whole thing, the report was released as huge numbers of the Australian population are currently unable to go to work to earn enough money to compete with the cost of living in this country in 2021 and also pay enough tax to ensure that our prime minister takes home a salary of half a million dollars a year, not one dollar has been spent on federal quarantine systems to prevent these lockdowns and a distinct lack of forward thinking to our vaccine rollout, it's been confirmed that this is probably the biggest fuck up to date and that's saying something because we're talking about a bloke who caught an aeroplane to Hawaii in the middle of the biggest bushfire disaster our country's ever seen, yeah even bigger than Hawaii they're saying but hey we've got new car parks and change rooms in marginal federal seats and a trade war with China so that's something to think about, yeah mate that's um it's all about what doesn't make the headlines you know that's what true leaders are focused on, now as a result of this story we broke another big one, grandpa Kev has dragged Scotty out of the surf after catching him trying to pull a Harold Holt and we managed to snag an exclusive picture of the scene too, Morrison about chest deep in the water trying to make a swimmer for it, quite incredible so head to the website if you want to read more on that one, yeah it was quite the incident actually and uh as people hailing grandpa Kev a hero he successfully pulled a bedraggled prime minister from the very same beach that the honorable Harold Holt disappeared from in 1967, after a couple months of disastrous media conferences and no progress on the vaccine rollout prime minister reportedly decided he was just going to swim out to sea and get lost, yeah but Kev able to drag him back in before he got away brave the rough surf and got him back in safely, he's really been taking the mentorship father figure thing to a new level ever since he did pick up the phone to the Pfizer executives and helped Scotty accelerate the vaccine arrivals, we're just lucky that we have this retired Brisbane statesman ready to help out, yeah very commendable, down in Sydney now and a bloke working at a Bankstown bottle-o has revealed he got called champ 4563 times on day one of the construction ban, yes a Sydney based champion has had a big week with developers and tradies unable to get Gladys to backpedal on her construction ban, a Bankstown bottle shop employee said it's been nose to the grindstone all week long, yeah 25 year old Abic explained to us that it was like nothing he'd ever experienced before with the usual 3 p.m rush occurring at 9 a.m and lasting all the way until close, he said it's western Sydney so I've got a few bros and a couple of wusses too, but yes it's been overwhelmingly champ or chief all day long, now in another major city that's in lockdown Adelaide streets have been completely deserted this week due to them being located in Adelaide, now this one was one of the cutest stories of the week with South Australia notching a few cases premier Stephen Marshall was forced to shut the city of churches down and that led to some photos shocking the rest of the nation with images of Adelaide's main streets completely deserted, a kangaroo was even spotted hopping down one on the main road but as was pointed out it doesn't really have anything to do with public health measures and that picture was actually taken a couple months ago when there were no restrictions at all, and we had a comment on that one from Stuart Beatson who said please be gentle it's our second time we aren't locked down pros like the rest of you guys and there was some big news in the sporting world this week Brisbane won its Olympics bid and the rest of Australia said cool I guess, yes London, Rio, Tokyo, Paris, LA, the brown snake that's big news from Tokyo this week and it had the premier, the prime minister looking for a distraction and the developers in Brisbane and a few other locals very excited however while winning a one horse race did draw cheers from those stakeholders it elicited somewhat of a more of a shrug from the rest of the nation and they said cool I guess happy for you guys, yeah it did get even better for our premier though with the Queensland boss shutting the border to New South Wales a short time after that and as Anastasia Palaszczuk said to us days don't get much better than this.
And that's it from us this week thank you for tuning in to the Batutah Weekly Bulletin I'm Clancy Overall, Hooroo, stay safe, bye. |
cracked | everything_hollywood_doesn_t_understand_about_poverty_reckless_disagreement_shameless_daredevil | Is this on? Who turned this on? Who am I talking to? There's no one here but me and the shadow people. Welcome to Reckless Disagreement, the only show on the internet you can trust.
I'm your host, and I'm slowly starving to death in my self-made prison. And here's a clip from Buffy the Vampire Slayer where she discovers a dark secret about an evil corporation. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a vampire slayer, and the only person standing between the citizens of Sunnydale and a sinister cessation of existence due to blood sucking. Every second she spends flipping burgers is the second some poor schmuck is getting his hemoglobin's gobbled. People died because she was too virtuous to blackmail a multinational fast food chain for lying to their customers.
And that is the moment that I realize that no one in Hollywood understands poverty, or working for a living, or even money. Far-fetched, right? Who could believe that the notoriously down-to-earth and relatable billionaires of Hollywood Hills could possibly...
You get it. You know where I'm going. Let's just get to it.
Ah! Back!
Lana? What's going on? I am new owner of Alibi.
Well, we can't stay here. Not enough money in the kitty to keep the lights on past midnight.
What? A B&E, dude! A B&E? What does that mean?
Somebody broke into the bar and stole her seat. Kids, after getting laid off, I was finally pursuing my lifelong dream, starting my own architecture firm.
You know what really grinds my gears? The fact that there is no point in a TV character's life where their terrible decisions catch up to them. It's wacky adventures and gross incompetence, and then they go home every day to an amazing apartment because I guess they starred in a Go-Gurt commercial once. It's still airing in that spot? Yeah, dude. It's covered my rent for years now. Go-Gurt comes the f*** through. Let's talk about the amazing home Ted Marshall and Leigh Cher and how I met your mother.
On second thought, we don't need to talk about it. Looking at it is probably sufficient for this point. You're smart. Your brain can draw conclusions from simple images.
The most interesting example has got to be the show Shameless, which is, let's be clear, an amazing show. But take a look at the house they live in. That's how a lot of people live in the real world. Probably the most realistic home I've ever seen on TV.
But listen to what Flood Magazine has to say about it. Shameless is raw, honest, and dark. The audience can practically smell the fetid marsh of its settings through the screen. Vomit, s***, and secretion are featured characters. TV has so warped our understanding of what life is like that a semi-realistic depiction of poverty is the most disgusting thing this writer can even think of.
I understand that a movie about a genie and a flying carpet doesn't also need to be a sober reflection on class structure. But maybe it's weird to say that princesses who are sick of being told what to do have less to complain about than a guy who, in his own words, has got to eat to live, got to steal the eat, tell you all about it when he's got the time. Assistant Professor Jesse Strybe at Duke University conducted a study of every G-rated Disney movie to make over $100 million and found that the big theme is that inequality is benign, proving that what I do for a living is just like being a professor at Duke, Mom. Also thanks for watching, Mom. In Snow White, the seven dwarves sing their way to work every day. The citizens of Bell's quiet provincial town love living in the crushing poverty of 17th century France. I know that the point is supposed to be that money can't buy happiness, but it ends up being that the poor aren't even footing with the rich, which... Like I believe that's wrong. You can probably find a study somewhere. It's not just fairy tales.
In The First Iron Man, Tony Stark nobly shuts down all weapons manufacturing in his weapons manufacturing business, and the TV tells him that his entire corporation is doomed. But by the next movie, his clothes are fancier, his gadgets are only cooler, and his business is more profitable than ever. Both Daredevil and Sherlock are shows about superheroes who live in really dope apartments even though they only take cases they find interesting or morally challenging in some way.
Foggy in particular is always worried about money, but only because he's the annoying fat wrong character. Because who would worry about money? A loser? It's way better to just put on a mask and punch whatever you see... here. You've never owned a credit card or leased a car?
No. Amazing. Hey! Not really.
One in ten Americans have a credit score of zero. That's 45 million people. Among folks Fiona's age, that number spikes to more like four in ten. You can open up a credit card account, take in advance of $1,000, pay it back tomorrow, and you're an excellent credit risk. That's ridiculous too.
Fiona's not an excellent credit risk. She has no payment history. And no long-term accounts. You know, 78% of Americans don't know that length of credit history is an important part of your score, or that closing off older accounts will hurt that score.
Just give you valuable financial advice in this comedy video. Bet you didn't see that coming. I'm full of surprises. You love me. Managing your credit properly can give you a huge advantage, but only if you're the type of weirdo who likes to own cars or homes or not pay ridiculous interest rates. And remember, Shameless is the realistic show. Let's go through some times wacky characters casually ruined their lives for a quick joke.
I gave me this credit card and I said, whoever was taking people in to let me know the hotel room. Now listen, I already transferred a $3,000 balance from the Valley Federal card over to my Spring Mills Mutual card because I had an $8,000 limit. But since I'm already bumping against that, I might as well transfer everything to yours because it has a $20,000 limit. It's my visa bill. Envelope one of two.
How I Met Your Mother went out of their way to make Lily's credit card debt a season-long problem so you'd think they'd think it through. But in the end, it just seemed like a point of mild shame for the characters with no actual long-term consequences for their lives. I buy designer clothes and accessories that I can't afford. I have 15 credit cards and they're all maxed out. After Marshall and Lily bought an apartment at a ridiculous 16% interest rate, it turned out fine, instead of the kind of thing that would ruin you forever. Because Marshall just happened to stumble into a killer high-paying lawyer job where the only downside is that it's evil and crushing him.
Never mind that most people would gladly take an evil soul-crushing job in exchange for benefits and financial security because the alternative is, usually, an evil soul-crushing job that doesn't have benefits or security and will also destroy you physically because you're working with dangerous chemicals or carting around thousands of pounds of bricks like Lip did in his summer vacation in Shameless. Hey, Shameless is pretty good for the most part, right? It's not just me calling it the best depiction of poverty on TV. So let's talk about how Shameless makes poor people look like dicks. Like I touched on earlier, I love this show. It's rad, well-written, Emmy Rosson deserves every award, etc. But also, the main joke is how awful the characters can be. Lip stealing the trucker's meat is just the beginning. There's also the time Kevin and Veronica had a threesome with Veronica's mom, the time Debbie lied to her boyfriend to trick him into getting her pregnant, and the time Frank's girlfriend jerked Lip off by touching his feet funny. It's just weird. We'll have whole arcs about addiction and untreated mental illness and failed business ventures that are treated really seriously, but then they'll pay rent by lying about their landlord being a pedophile and blackmailing him for it. The show's gimmick is how gross it gets. The showtime's audience is mostly wealthy people, and they keep going for the cheap laughs, and I'm not proud of that pun.
So let's just finish up here. The overall message we're sending is that money is easy to manage and unimportant, and that poor people are lazy and gross. I get this is all escapist fantasy, but finances are a pretty important topic for everyone to consistently get this wrong. So the question is, what do we do about it? This is an important issue, and this is the internet, so we gotta take it seriously.
I know. I'll ask the shadow people. They seem to have their s*** more or less together. Come to me, my shadow friends. We have much to discuss. |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_the_truman_show_and_it_s_just_modern_day_america | Yes, the Truman Show already has an odd premise. In the way that a corporation locking a baby in a gigantic existential prison ball so the entire world can watch, every single moment of their lives is odd. But that oddness becomes full on horror if we replace human whoopee cushion Jim Carrey with a wacky lady. Because here's the thing, Hollywood's got some weird assumptions about masculine and feminine roles, and to be honest, maybe we all do? So let's lock Trudy's find behind up in an indoor island jail and see how that makes us feel. I'm curious if it remains a beloved family movie classic. Regardless, you're watching Gender Swap, I'm Allie, and this is The Trudy Show. While the in-universe Truman Show has a certain voyeuristic appeal, there's another layer of appeal to watching a woman without her knowledge.
There's a reason Pornhub doesn't have thousands of videos of dudes being filmed in showers and changing rooms, you know? Truman's been terrified of the water ever since. What I'm saying is that incels would crank it to the Trudy Show, endlessly, the things on 24-7. I can't believe you married Marle on the rainbow. Now, in the show's defense, a helpful pervert informs us that viewers never see anything sexually explicit. They turn the camera away and play some music. You don't see anything. Viewers, no doubt, heard countless short bursts of the special. He's got his dick out music during Truman's teenage years, but I digress. Girls gotta be careful.
Now, imagine Ed Harris' Kristoff up there in the clouds, noticing that ratings suddenly spike whenever Trudy has her bare feet up on the table. Feet up music. Wouldn't Kristoff lean into that a little bit? Make sure her office goes shoe-free for the environment. Even if Kristoff keeps his intentions pure, a non-trivial portion of the Trudy Show's audience is going to get excited whenever the poor woman so much as bends over.
So let's look at the Trudy Show's on-set issues, starting with Trudy's husband. In college, Trudy falls for a random extra. But the show's producers want her to hook up with the hunky-hank. So the extra is yanked from the show, while Hank throws himself a Trudy, then they get married and start, you know, start, you know, you know what they do.
Now, sex under false pretenses is called rape by deception. That's also the name of my death metal band. Sex needs to be consensual, but if you're only getting consent because you're impersonating someone or claiming that the president ordered you to have sex or lying about what that weird wart is on your crotch, you're not providing all the information that should inform consent.
The Truman Show glosses over this, because, you know, men in pop culture are always horny and what straight man wouldn't want to mash potatoes with Laura Linney, right? But are Trudy shacking up with a male actor who's been chosen for her is pretty gross. Especially since the show's spouse initiates sex whenever Trudy starts questioning the reality she's trapped in. Throw in a best friend to encourage his Trudy not to ask questions and add the show's plan to eventually show the world's first on-air conception. And you've got the basis of a five-part documentary called The Trudy Deception. But that doesn't even scratch the surface, because a big part of the show's programming is trying to force Truman into becoming a father, even though he's pretty resistant to the idea.
That sucks. Obviously.
But it's downright Orwellian for Trudy. For starters, it'd be quite a bit easier to impregnate her without her consent, given that the producers control every aspect of her life. They could easily swap out her birth control with placebos or never even introduce her to the idea of birth control in the first place, enforce her school to teach abstinence-only education. And what if Trudy doesn't want to have a baby once she's impregnated, or if there are complications during her pregnancy? So to recap, Trudy will be coercive to sex, manipulated into becoming pregnant, forced to give birth against her will, and possibly actually allowed to die on TV if there are complications?
Can you imagine the ratings? Only on NBC! But enough about what's quickly becoming just normal life for American women.
Let's talk about attempted murder. Trudy has been conditioned from birth to be terrified of leaving town. And you can tell Kristoff is a trailflazer, because a man getting to decide whether a woman is allowed to travel has since become mainstream Republican policy. But Trudy's escape attempt, and the woman hunt that follows, is somehow even more sinister once Kristoff starts pressing all of his attempt murder-with-weather buttons?
Fairly or not, we process violence against men and women very differently. Which is why movies where a man with incredible resources at his disposal hunts another man is a thrilling action movie, while a man hunting a woman is a horror movie. Or at least an action movie that touches on themes of intimate violence like Black Widow. Meanwhile, viewers betting on whether Trudy survives would read less like commentary on a relationship with media, and more like an impromptu blood sport.
Seriously though, imagine a man going into work and proudly being like, Hey, who owes me 50 bucks? Trudy died this weekend just like I said she was going to. On the plus side, all of this madness can be stopped with one more simple change. If Kristoff becomes Kristina, then the Trudy show would never get made. Because there's no way Hollywood would ever give an eccentric woman the 4 gazillion dollars needed to pursue a wildly original idea. But actually, wait, let's dig into that a little bit more.
Truman's whole thing is that he's the perfect everyman. Everybody sees themselves in him and his experiences. He is a blank canvas on which viewers can paint their shit selves. But that's because he's a nondescript white dude. And for whatever reason, male is often seen as the default. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
Bojack Horseman creator Raphael Bob Waksberg explained this phenomenon a few years ago while answering a question on his Tumblr. He claims, in comedy, people often assume comedy characters as inherently male, unless there is something specifically female about them. He explains how he didn't like or understand a specific joke in his own show when the characters were changed from male dogs to female dogs like this. The thinking comes from a place that the cleanest version of a joke has as few pieces as possible. For the dog joke, you have the thing where the tongue slobbers all over the business person, but if you also have a thing where both of them are ladies, then that's an additional thing, and it muddles up the joke. The audience will think, why are those characters female, is that part of the joke? The underlying assumption there is that the default mode for any character is male, so to make the characters female is an additional detail on top of that.
He goes on to clarify that he believes this thinking is wrong, but it just shows how baked in some of these assumptions are. If a man does something, we often accept it at face value. If a woman does it, sometimes we'll filter it through the lens of, okay, a woman is doing this. Interesting. How is her womanness affecting what she's doing? And it's not just gender stuff. People also often seem to assume that white is default.
On the fourth episode of Master of None, two Indian American actors audition for a show, only for the producers to claim that only one of them can be cast on the three-character show because while one Indian American actor makes a show diverse, two Indian American actors transform it into an Indian sitcom. And could audiences ever possibly see themselves in someone or something so mystical, so exotic, so different as Aziz Ansari? I don't know.
And that's why the Trudy show would likely flop, no matter how much mileage they would get from weird pervert viewers. In fact, that's the whole thing, right? Voyuristically, watching a woman might satiate some weird need, but it's not really a stepping stone into emotional engagement. Would audiences sincerely be interested in the interior lives of a not-dude? Would viewers wonder if the show is now about being a woman somehow? You know some dude in the comments would be yelling about how the woke-ass communist program is trying to brainwash us into caring about women, which is actually what's probably happening in this video's comments too.
I'm not going to check. So is it still a classic? Probably not, because it never got made in the first place. And besides, statistically, nobody wants to hear a woman talk that much. But if it did...
Listen up, producers, huge rating spike from the Weirdos community when Trudy took her shoes off. We're going to need to get her shoes off as much as possible. Big product placement just came in from Heinz. We need her to buy ketchup. She also needs to, at some point, put it between her cleavage.
More feet, people! More feet! We're going to need Trudy to sit on a cake this week, if somebody can help manufacture a situation in which Trudy would sit on a cake.
Slow her down! She needs to eat that hot dog, but she needs to eat it a lot slower.
We're going to need Trudy to act like a horse. Hey, Hank, um, you know how things have started to feel a little stale between us and we were looking for ways to reinvigorate our relationship and get me a little more excited in the bedroom and other places like that? Well, I have some really exciting news and I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I think I'm going to start trying stand-up comedy. Get the weather machine ready. We need to kill her. |
dropout | hardly_working_dilly_dally | Yo guys, check out this new online internet, world wide web viral video. And this is actual.
Yeah, 100%. Jeez man, that's fine.
Hey you meatballs, stop dilly-dallying. What? We're dilly-dallying? No fucking way. Guys, I was just... Did I hear you guys were dilly-dallying?
No sir, not us, never.
Okay. Do you guys think you believed it? Wow Sarah, good idea. Let's dilly-dally some more and talk about it.
Get back to your fucking desks.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were dilly-dallying. Well it's a good thing you do know better. Cause I haven't dilly-dallyed a day in my god damn life! That's a lie and you know it!
You got something on your mind Kev? You wanna call me a dilly-dallyer? I got you. Come on street, he's just saying what we're all thinking. You made out of dilly, but we've all seen you dallying.
You've got some balls saying that Hurwitz. Cause I knew your father. Samuel Hurwitz was a cold red dilly-dallyer.
I deserve that. Jake! Pat.
I just saw you guys do monkey business. This isn't happening. Both of you, in my office now.
No.
Jake, it's either in my office or out that window. This is the easiest decision of my entire life.
I didn't want to jump because then I would die. I would survive that for sure. |
SaturdayNightLive | scared_straight_underage_drinking_with_tracy_morgan_snl | All right, tough guys, I bet you think underage drinking is cool, but the next time I catch you with beers in public, you're gonna be drinking from a water fountain in Juvie. you hear me? Yes, Officer. you know, you don't seem to get the message. So this time, I invited two representatives from the Scared Straight Program to come talk to you punks. they're inmates over at Larchmont Maximum Security Prison, and they're here to warn you about the dangers of a criminal lifestyle.
Mcintosh, Mcintyre, you want to get in here? Yeah! All right, here we go!
Your Feet! Now sit Down! Man, I said On Your Feet! Man, sit your words down!
All right, now, what they do this time? you know what? let me get up in this file, Cap. hey, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mcintosh! come on, you're not allowed in there. Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Chief. I get it. I'll do the dance. you just got to show me the moves.
All right. we caught these kids drinking beers behind Pathmark. Oh! getting drunk in public, huh? Well, that's how it starts, getting drunk.
And I guess where it ends up? a monkey bit your fist off! right. how would that happen? hey! what? what? wait, wait, shh! Shut your damn mouth! What, you think I never drank?
Oh, I drank. All right. And then right before my wedding, my best friend took me on a tour through Wine Country. yeah, I kept tasting different wines. And then pretty soon, I was cheating on my fiancee with some Asian lady. is that what you want? the Asian lady from Grey's Anatomy punching you in the face?
Does this mean. Isn't that the plot of the movie Sideways? Hey! sideways on a prison bathroom floor!
Yeah, you be tasting a variety of liquids, all right. but you ain't gonna be drinking them out. No glass. the only thing you be swishing around in your mouth is penis to one! Hey! oh, no! no! gosh, you can't say stuff like that. Oh, hey, I'll bear a treat. Hey, here's the boundary, we overstepped it.
And why you kids drinking beer? Bored.
Yeah, we're stuck in this stupid town. Oh, you think y'all stuck in a small town? One time I was stuck in a town so bad, I felt like I was reliving the same thing over and over again!
Pretty soon, I was so crazy, I kidnapped the famous Groundhog and drove it off of cliff. Is that what you want? a murder-suicide with pumps in town and film? Does this hear it's real? Yeah, I think that's the plot to Groundhog Day. Whoo! Oh, tick-tick-tick-tick-tick. chick-tick-boo, that's them.
Boy, you better keep your damn mouth shut. on the only small town you'll be stuck in is a prison. And you'll be dealing with a hog. All right. this hog's not gonna pop out of the ground. it's gonna pop out of a hole in your cellmate's pants.
Yep. And it doesn't matter if he sees the shadow. it ain't gonna be springtime. it's gonna be ding-a-ling time. Hey, no, no, no, both of you. come on, good lord. Oh, hey, hey, that's all. nice, Chief. yeah, let's check a fold. you just lay down the twister mat. All right. All right, now which one of you's the wing leader? Boy, get your ass, get your ass up.
Now where'd you get the bear from, Bob Dylan? Nowhere.
Oh, you like secrets, huh? I had a secret once. I was hiding an alien in my barrel. pretty soon, it was eating my racist pieces and making long distance phone calls. is that what you want, hmm? the government's chasing you when you got to fly away on a bicycle.
Ok, that's definitely E.t. Hey! that's all right! that's all right! that's all right! shut up! Boy, you keep up that attitude. And he's going to have a long skinny finger, all right, but it ain't going to be on his hands. And you don't get torn to racist pieces, but you won't phone on! You phone a hospital and say, I need a new air! No, hey, no way! no way, you cannot say that to kids. Oh, yeah. or adults. Yeah, even I know that was way too far. All right, you guys, you both need to leave. let's go, now. All right, that's cool.
And just remember, you want to booze it up, they going to knock you down. that's right. you want to break the rules, you want to get broken. you want to pound beers, they going to pound your ribs. Imagine a beer can. Now, imagine something the size of a beer can.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Macintosh. Good Lord, come on, man. All right, we out, we out. A beer can. Oh, we get it, we get it. let's go, let's go, let's go. boys learn your lesson?
Yeah, I didn't think so. Oh, hey, hey, they're escaping in your car? come on, come on, you think I'm going to fall for that? that's impossible, I got the keys right here. wait a second. I'll be right back. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_22_11_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. G'day, my name's Wendell Hussey and you're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap. This week the bulletin minus Desert Rock FM stalwart Bruce Hitchcock who is back home in Petuta is coming to you from the free settlement of Adelaide as the Petuta Advocate Roadshow winds its way back to the East Coast. We've got two stops left now, Canberra and Sydney so make sure you grab tickets if you live in that part of the world and haven't already done so. Now it's been another big week in news around town and across the country and we'll start things off with politics.
The Prime Minister Scott Morrison has told Muslims that they need to report criminal activity to the police just like his church did after a five year royal commission. In the wake of the recent Bourke Street terror attack Morrison reiterated his calls for Imams and other members of the community to be better at identifying radicalised people in their congregations and alerting the authorities. The caretaker Prime Minister explained that the Islamic community need to get the government to pay $75 million to investigate and make recommendations about how to better deal with the anti-social behaviour that comes with a secretive organised religion. Like the Christians did when it became apparent that 20% of all Australian Christian clergymen over the last century were either committing or protecting perpetrators of child sex crimes. Scott Morrison said to us, I'm a member of a religious community and my pastor knows what's going on in our church community. He would know if there was someone, you know, acting up. He'd definitely be pointing that out and we'd be dealing with it.
And in other news around the nation the brand Powerade has admitted that they are still trying to convince themselves that they're a drink for sports people and not hung over pieces of shit. The acknowledgement comes after the brand's most recent ad campaign where they desperately attempted to portray themselves as something that is designed for elite athletes. Shocking numbers have been leaked from the company and the advocate can exclusively reveal that 90% of their profits do in fact come from hung over men and women with the other 10% coming from high school canteens. It's not yet known how the numbers have been received and we are still waiting to hear whether the brand will drop the whole sports drink thing. Elsewhere around the country now and we broke an exclusive schoolie story on the glitter strip this week.
Our reporters were on the scene when a young man entering a strip club for the first time in his life tried to convince one of the women that he could save her from this life. The school leaver explained to the advocate that although he is aware that the stripper named Minnie meets a lot of guys, he did form a real connection with a young woman. He reportedly gave her his phone number, email and the address to his parents house just in case she ever wants to get away from the strip club life and join him in mundane suburbia. He said to us, Yeah, I just hope she calls aye, before it's too late.
And back home in Batuna now, a local real estate agent has been given a firm slap on the wrist this week. The French Quarter leasing agent told the advocate that he's been reprimanded for releasing a bond in full back to a tenant this week, despite there being evidence to suggest the property's living room had been lived in at some point during the lease. The agent explained that his boss said that he is never to release a full bond back to a tenant unless the agency knows them or they are a friend of a friend. Company policy at the agency dictates that even if the property is clean enough and shows no sign of damage whatsoever, they should not be giving away the full bond under any circumstances.
And finally this week, there's been some big news on the sporting front. An exclusive report from the Batuna advocate has revealed that coat hopping superstar Jared Hayne is on the verge of signing his next big contract. The Parramatta eel, who is as of now unsigned for the 2019 season, is believed to be on the cusp of putting pen to paper for a big deal with the Silverwater organization. The move has blindsided many in the sport with only a few Californian police officers believed to have been seeing the contract negotiations coming. Although the deal is as of yet unsigned, with all of the press coming out in the last few days, it is now firmly believed that Jared Hayne could be wearing green by the end of the year.
We will keep you up to date with that story as it unfolds, but that is it for the News Wrap this week, thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to grab tickets to the Batuna advocate roadshow if you live in Canberra or Sydney and haven't got them already. And make sure you subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next time, I'm Weddle Hussey. I'll see you next time. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jon_gabrus | Please welcome our friend, John Gabris. My dad was obsessed with cold cuts. It was like the biggest thing in the house to be like, I just want Enzo's, I got a pound of ham, pound of turkey, pound of cheese, and he would rattle it off to me, and he'd just go on. And we lived in a family with three boys, all of us like fat messes, and so he had to buy a lot of cold cuts and he would rattle it off and he'd be like, Enzo hooked it up. It was $4.50 for the honey boy's head of turkey. $5.50 for the honey boy's head of ham. And he would just, little blurs. And then he like thought he was Italian at some point today. We got the gobble goo, some prosciutto, the mozzarella, the calamari, you know, he'd just rattle on. And we were like, okay, dad.
He's like, just don't eat all the roast beef. The big rule was don't eat all the roast beef. At any point, even if there was one size up, don't be the guy that finishes the roast beef, because he wanted it for work.
So I was quite the drinker, was specifically. I'm on the 11th step now. No. I was drunk one night. I came home and I went to get in my house. And somehow I broke the key off in my door, in my lock, but unlocked the door at the same time.
So I go in and I make myself a sandwich. And I remember opening up the cold cut drawer and being like, oh, my dad went to Enzo's today. There's so much stuff in here. This is awesome. And I remember making like a sandwich. I don't remember the epic proportions of it, but I know, like, I'm a pretty skilled sandwich maker as is. I imagine that night I was inspired to say, inspired by Natty Ice, drink du jour for Long Island assholes.
The next thing I know, I hear banging on my door. And I'm like, well, what? What? I'm awake. I'm like doing work. I'm just not. Sorry. I'm just like lying to my phone. And I'm just like, I'm awake doing work. It's like 8.40 in the morning on a Saturday. And he comes in the door and he's like, John. And I'm like, what?
He's like, did you eat all the cold cuts last night? And I was like, no. No, I didn't have anything. He's like, somebody ate all the cold cuts. And I was like, all of the cold cuts, dad? Somebody ate all of the cold cuts? And he's like, yes, somebody ate all of them.
And I'm like, you're crazy. I'm like, there's got to be someone else. A whole pound of ham, a whole pound of turkey, half a pound of cheese, a half a loaf of bread. And then he was like, some mortadello shit that I've never even heard of that I've been missing at this point.
And my father's like, it was you. You were the only one that was out late last night. And I'm like, my mom didn't do it. And it wasn't my brothers because they were like 16 and 11 at the time. And I'm selling it up. I'm like, it wasn't me. It wasn't me.
He's like, get up. Get up and come look at the cold cuts. I'm like, I'm not going to look at the cold cuts. He's like, get up. Get up and look at the cold cuts.
He's like, dad, get out of my room. I'm a grown man. You're terrible to live with. Get out of my room. What does he do? He rips my blanket off like a badger.
And I'm laying there in just underwear and covered in branded cold cuts. I had passed out with the entire shit. But I must have taken cleaning up every room.
And my father's like, ugh. He turns like bright red. My dad has ice blue eyes. So he looks like a Pokemon character. And he's so close to my face. He's like, you get up.
And you clean this. And I clean it all up.
And I realized I made a sandwich with four pieces of bread, like later in the middle Big Mac style. All of the, like a pound of ham, and not even like in any special way. I had just taken it out of the package and placed it on the bread. And I had taken like maybe two bites. Barely bites because the sandwich was this thick.
And then just fell asleep. And I had been pressed to my chest with mayonnaise. So then when my father ripped my blanket off, I snapped off. And it was still just sitting on my chest. And I was like.
So that night was the night I realized that my dad wasn't the terrible person to live with. But I was the terrible person to live with. Thank you very much guys. |
TheOnion | Welcome_To_Onion_Social_The_Onion_s_New_Social_Media_Platform | Today, we are proud to announce the launch of Onion Social, the Onion's new social media website. In the past, many companies have attempted to create popular, profitable online networking services without sacrificing the well-being of their users, yet surprisingly, no one has ever managed to succeed. Well, let's just say that's about to change. It doesn't take an expert to realize that digital media is heading in a new direction, As the way we consume and share news continues to evolve, influential, journalistic monoliths like The Onion are presented with the opportunity to either adapt or be ruthlessly obliterated. It's also no secret that the social media outlets we've catered our unprecedented work to are facing massive issues of their own. From sensitive data breaches to the suppression of quality journalism, these issues are making it more and more clear that social networks like Facebook simply cannot be trusted. As the most trusted source for news in this media hellscape, we believe people also deserve a social network they can trust. That's why as of today, we'll be shifting our resources from groundbreaking reporting to a new kind of business model. At Onion Social, we've revamped the very idea of a social network.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering, why go to so much trouble to innovate when we're already so successful? Well, the answer's simple. It's because we care.
We care so much about our readers and their experience that we created a customized news feed that gets rid of all the junk and only shows you the stories you want to read. But how does it work? It's all in our state-of-the-art algorithm, which is solely powered by the hundreds of pounds of raw, bloody flesh from the rotting corpses of our former journalists. Algorithm, what's today's top news story?
With Onion Social, the internet will truly never be the same, fostering connections without restrictions. So how do you join in the movement? We'll be open for sign up this week, so keep an eye out. Until then, enjoy your last few moments on what you once knew as the internet. I look forward to seeing you all in a brighter, more connected future on Onion Social. So, how do you join in the movement? We'll be open for sign up this week, so keep an eye out. Until then, enjoy your last few moments on what you once knew as the internet. I look forward to seeing you all in a brighter, more connected future on Onion Social. |
SaturdayNightLive | baptist_church_snl | For being here at the 19th Street Baptist Church. ain't it a Blessed Sunday, y'all? Amen, amen, amen, Amen. All right, and joining me in today's sermon, as always, is Brother Jonathan. Yeah, come on in, Sir. All right, man. Yes, sir. isn't it a beautiful day to worship? Uh-huh. Now, the subject of today's sermon is giving. Because remember, y'all, Jesus was a giver. Amen. Preach that, preach it. And the Good Book tells us, if you want to live like Jesus, we have to give Like Jesus. So let's start filling up those baskets, y'all. Right, all right.
Because the church is in need, brothers and sisters, in need of a new roof, in need of a new robe for the choir, in need of an outdoor pizza oven. Wait, what's that? He said we should all try to live like Jesus. that's what he said. right, after that. I said the church need a new roof. After that. a new choir, robes. After that.
Welcome to the 19th Street Baptist Church. Now, you know that was way earlier.
Yeah, you said the church needs a pizza oven. a pizza oven? Mm. Now, why does the church need a new pizza oven? tell him about what you saw, Pastor Wilson. Ah, the Lord appeared to me in a dream. Amen. And in that dream, there was a pizza oven. precious. And the Lord said, you know what would be fun. tell him what would be fun.
He said, Pizza Tuesday. not Pizza Wednesdays. Oh, and Lord, that pizza oven was built up. And we nourished our bodies with the crispy crust. And, well, he is always right time. he was always right time. And, hey, Pizza Tuesdays was bustin'.' Whoo! Let's get this pizza going, y'all. Pizza Tuesdays.
Get in the back of this, y'all. Yeah, make it better, You too, make it better. Stop that. stop doing that dance. we got to fix the hole in the roof, man.
Amen, brother, amen. always work to do in the Lord's house. work like a clothing the poor, feeding the hungry. touching up mama's roots. touching up mama's roots. Yes, I've been seeing them mama look crazy and tell her. it ain't right. No, it's not. we're not paying for your mama hair to get done. that's right. that's right. we paying the church to do God's will, and God sees everything. including? including Mama's roots. Whoo! make some noise for Mama's roots, y'all. that's crazy. y'all just a bunch of con men. con men? Oh, you mean confident black men? Yes, we are. Yes, sister. praise the Lord for that. praise the Lord for that. you made me false promises.
Now, y'all know I got an ugly nephew, right? Crazy, Ugly. Yeah, that fool, Pastor Wilson, sold me a blessed handkerchief and told me to rub it on my nephew's ugly little head three times a day, which I did. And three months later, that boy is still ugly. he sure don't look good.
Have mercy. Well, maybe you didn't rub it hard enough. mm-hmm. because you got to rub it. mm. like you mean it. mm. or your nephew gonna stay ugly. Whoo! Stop it. stop doing the dance. y'all also said that the church needed $5,000 to fix your daughter's attitude. well, last time I checked, she still actin'' stankin'.' but it ain't freed up my time to do that yet, so.
Yes, well, you also said the church needed $600 for candles, and then you immediately bought a Ps5 on Facebook market for $600. because the Lord appeared to me in a vision. Brothers and Sisters, now would you look at that. God's light is shining on us right this very moment. that's just the sun shining through the damn hole in the roof. Yes, the Lord appeared to me in a vision. Praise him.
And in that vision, I had a dual-shot controller in my hand. Oh, that controller was rumbling.
Mm. And the low times was faster. And the graphics was crispier. Yes.
And I knew that if it could not only be a Ps4. no. .but it could only be a brand-new Ps5. Oh, and that refurbished one. it was a new one.
Keep on that. Whoo! Y'all crazy. we're leaving. Oh, no, no, don't be like that. don't be like that. give us one good reason why we should stick. we're gonna let you come over for Pizza Tuesdays. is it Neapolitan pizza? yes, it is. little basil leaf on the top of it. mm-hmm. of course. with the little cup pepperonis that be catching the grease like a little chalice. just like you like it? mm-hmm. All right, I'm putting my money in, right? I'm Henry. Oh, come on, now.
I want some pizza. let's hear it for Pizza Tuesdays, y'all. Pizza Tuesdays, Man! Pizza Tuesdays! |
cracked | that_time_papa_john_gave_an_apology_worse_than_his_pizza | What happened to Papa John? On some level, you kind of want your pizza moguls to be big time weirdos who live in basically a castle. On the other hand, you don't want any of their idiosyncrasies to be saying the N-word a whole lot. And if you're dropping the N-bomb on a conference call, it's pretty safe to assume that it's not your first rodeo. The titular Papa John Schnatter didn't exactly spackle things over seamlessly when his apology included that he had spent 20 months trying to remove the slur from his vocabulary. It takes six weeks to recover from having your gallbladder out, but it's taking you close to two years to cope with your slurrectomy. Oh, really? Okay, John, just in case you're some sort of deeply pilled individual who somehow believed what he was saying, he later released the audio, you know, to show that he used context. And, uh, unshockingly, this proved a very ineffective Trump card. Yeah, that's Trump. They took the comments out of context and out of contrast, and they left the tape running. |
cracked | how_millennials_are_killing_the_diamond_industry | Oh, hi Concerned Economy. Thanks for meeting me in my lair. Sorry about the mess. I've been soups busy. Oh, sorry. Manners.
You don't know who I am. I'm that killer millennial you keep talking about. You know, the one who's killing all those super essential industries that you have now deemed as able to be living. Oh man, are my ears burning. You and the news just keep talking about me. But no one is asking me my murderous side of the story so today I'm going to tell you why I'm killing one of your favorite industries.
The Diamond Industry. Maybe you remember when The Economist caused an uproar on Twitter when it asked the super relatable and understandable question, why aren't millennials buying diamonds? Because diamonds deserve to fucking die. Made you flinch. Hey Diamond Industry, I'm honestly pretty surprised that you even wonder why our generation doesn't want to keep playing into your greedy hands. Because you've caused mayhem and death with your diamond mines. You exploit miners and families and put individuals in danger. Not to mention ruining the ecosystem with all of that mining.
And for what? A rock that you placed an arbitrary value on. Oh right, I forgot to mention because...
You made up the fact that diamonds are worth tons of money by using a clever marketing scheme to convince people that they have to buy your diamonds to In fact, you created a diamond scarcity so that you can jack up the price. But you can easily make diamonds.
So everything you are doing is for nothing and we know that. But maybe you're feeling attacked right now.
The millennial generation dealt with the toughest economy since the Great Depression. Millennials earned 20% less than the previous generation did at the same point in their lives. Which means that we are playing catch-up and will likely never achieve the standard of living that our prior generation was able to.
And thanks to all the help our government keeps trying to take away from us. You know, like how they keep trying to repeal our health care and give tax cuts to the rich. The rich being people like you guys. You know, the diamond industry. We are simply trying to pay off bills and school debt. 1.3 trillion dollars worth of national debt in fact. Or keep roofs over our head and food on the table. Yet you still wonder why we don't want your inedible ruthless diamonds.
That's the next industry I gotta take care of. I'll tell you about it next time on A Word from a Killer Millennial. Alright, I gotta go. There's a lot of pointless industries that we the new generation get to decide whether we will keep paying for and, or sorry, as you say, kill.
You know, because you think businesses are people. They're alive. They're people too. They're not.
Hey everybody, thanks for watching that video. Click the C in the middle of your screen to subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon for notifications. You know the drill. It's YouTube. If you don't like YouTube, check us out on Amazon Prime. All of our videos are there now and they're amazing and they look great and you should watch them there. |
SaturdayNightLive | big_damn_plastic_bubble_snl | We all know that years of wind and weather can turn a beautiful home like yours into an ugly eyesore. But what if you could protect your home? What if you could keep it beautiful forever with a giant see-through plastic bubble? Well, you can't. they don't make no damn plastic bubble, you stupid idiot. you mean that they did. How you gonna find one big enough to fit over your house, right? what you gonna do? how you gonna get it home? tie it on top of your damn station wagon? Alright? let's say you could get one, right? you sitting around in this big, stupid plastic bubble over your house, right? now you got it made, right?
You didn't stop to think, right? What happens when you get hungry, right? how they gonna bring food inside there, huh? they can't deliver sandwiches with a big plastic bubble over your house, right? what they gonna do then, right? The best part about it, I was thinking, right? But what happens when you run out of air, right? you inside this place for about five days, you run out of air. don't you feel real stupid now sitting in that bubble, dead, huh? You feel real dumb, right?
Let me tell you something, man. if you feel that you got to have this plastic bubble and you got to spend your money on it, here's Mel to tell you how to do it. Plastic Bubble, y'all some stupid people out here. Thanks, Eddie. send check our money order to Big Tam Plastic Bubble. Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 1-double-oh-two-oh. do it today. |
dropout | katie_breaks_bad_in_kingpin_katie_official_trailer | Was that my usual spot last day? Only something's a little different because nobody's buying At least not for me another dealer on our turf She appeared to be in her 20s really long peaches, but on a tiny tiny head kind of like a praying mantis woman My name is Katie Marovitch and I have a cocaine problem Obviously, can we get back to the pitch meeting? What you guys knew about this that you have coke on you right now fine. Yes, but I'm gonna get rid of it I want in I know these streets like the wipe of my Doesn't worry about here. I got this whole situation under control We all have secrets. I've got a really big one Katie. It's just nice.
I should have put something in her ear I Think Pablo Escobar. You're the fake. I'll put her on my Insta story She runs like she has something stuck in her something smells stinky and it ain't my type This war has become personal. I didn't get to use the bathroom stop talking You sound hot. Are you hot? Let's yeah, this is way too big for me your friend Katie is a drug kingpin You |
ClickHole | get_the_tissues_ready_watch_these_people_react_to_the_first_10_minutes_of_up | Yeah! It's movie time! Yes! Yeah! Oh yeah! Movie is happening! Yeah!
A house! Please go in the house. Go in the house! He's gonna do it. Please go in the house. He's gonna go. He's going in the house.
Get it. Get the balloon. Ha ha! Yeah! I love the ambulance. Oh, his arm broke. That's so awesome. Open the book.
A wedding? Now this is a movie. They just got married.
Oh my god. House again. Yeah! House! Is it the same house as before? Yeah! Back to the house. Making the house nice.
That's a great mailbox. He put paint on the mailbox and then she did it too. That's incredible.
Getting their picnic on. Blanket, food, they got all the fixins.
Balloons! The balloons are back! That's a serious balloon bonanza. She has a bird. He has balloons.
Everybody wins! Cloud baby! Yeah! Baby clouds! Yes! They're indoors again now? She's painting the wall. Yeah.
Is that a scientist? No, it's a doctor. The doctor is talking.
Awesome. Oh yeah. Oh, great. I don't believe it. It's the book again. The money is in the jar and that's where it belongs. Smash it and they get another one. That's what they're doing. Sweet.
Yes! Oh my god! I love ties! Yes!
Each tie is different. None are the same. Daddy likey the ties. Good.
They're old. He's old. She's old. I'm so digging this. Everybody's old now. I like it when they're old.
I like it. He's buying things. Okay, cool. Didn't expect him to get tickets, but now he has them.
Awesome! Greatest movie. Great movie. This is great. Oh god, that's great.
More balloons! They just keep the balloons coming!
I like that he's sad. Back at the house! Keep playing the movie because the house is back. Can we watch more of this? I don't want to stop watching. This has been a wonderful afternoon. |
TheOnion | This_Week_In_History_The_Beatles_Play_Shea_Stadium_In_Huge_Gig_Opening_For_The_Mamas_And_The_Papas | From that romantic summer evening in 1924, when coal pot was conceived, to the first time someone figured out how to eat a pineapple without ripping their mouth to shreds, the Onion looks back at this week in history.
On August 15, 1914, the Panama Canal opened after going over budget by 10,000 dead laborers. While principal engineer John Findlay Wallace initially projected that 17,000 workers would die during the project, they were soon forced to reallocate resources to account for the additional 7,000 men that were slowly being killed by diseases, mudslides, and heat exhaustion. Managers for future construction projects learned from the resource mismanagement of the Panama Canal, with engineers of the Hoover Dam coming in right under budget, with one million dead laborers.
On August 19, 1692, five citizens were executed after being convicted during the Salem Witch Trials, all while dozens of witches, warlocks, and sorcerers stood by and watched the wrongly accused take the rap for them. While the perfectly normal humans charged with witchcraft were publicly hung and dragged to their unmarked graves, the numerous Salem citizens that did spend their evenings casting spells and awakening the dead merely lowered their heads as their friends and neighbors were burned at the stake. Medical records have indicated that as many as 35% of the people in Salem were actually witches and warlocks. In fact, the executioner himself was a well-known necromancer who, after hanging the wrongly accused witches, reanimated their dead bodies and apologized before casting them into the eternal fires of hell.
Johnny Appleseed is my favorite. Here are my five favorites in order. Number one, Johnny Appleseed.
Number two, LeBron James. Number three, the Sony Corporation.
And on August 15, 1965, the Beatles played to nearly 60,000 people at Shea Stadium in a huge gig, opening for the Mamas and the Papas. Gathering to hear such hits as Monday Monday and Go Where You Wanna Go, the packed crowd enjoyed the opening act, as did Papa John and Mama Michelle, who allowed the Beatles to perform for 15 extra minutes.
And that was what happened this week in history.
In the words of American actor Mark Ruffalo, history will never forget me because I will murder tens of thousands of innocent people before publicly killing myself. Blood of men, women, children, and dogs will run the streets of California, Nevada, and New York.
I promise you that.
Executioner himself was a well-known necromancer who, after hanging the wrongly accused witches, reanimated their dead bodies and apologized before casting them into the eternal fires of hell.
Johnny Appleseed is my favorite. Here are my five favorites in order. Number one, Johnny Appleseed.
Number two, LeBron James. Number three, the Sony Corporation.
And on August 15th, 1965, the Beatles played to nearly 60,000 people at Shea Stadium in a huge gig, opening for the Mamas and the Papas. Gathering to hear such hits as Monday Monday and Go Where You Wanna Go, the packed crowd enjoyed the opening act, as did Papa John and Mama Michelle, who allowed the Beatles to perform for 15 extra minutes.
And that was what happened this week in history.
In the words of American actor Mark Ruffalo, history will never forget me because I will murder tens of thousands of innocent people before publicly killing myself. Blood of men, women, children, and dogs will run the streets of California, Nevada, and New York.
I promise you that.
Executioner himself was a well-known necromancer who, after hanging the wrongly accused witches, reanimated their dead bodies and apologized before casting them into the eternal fires of hell.
Johnny Appleseed is my favorite. Here are my five favorites in order. Number one, Johnny Appleseed.
Number two, LeBron James. Number three, the Sony Corporation.
And on August 15th, 1965, the Beatles played to nearly 60,000 people at Shea Stadium in a huge gig, opening for the Mamas and the Papas. Gathering to hear such hits as Monday Monday and Go Where You Wanna Go, the packed crowd enjoyed the opening act, as did Papa John and Mama Michelle, who allowed the Beatles to perform for 15 extra minutes.
And that was what happened this week in history.
In the words of American actor Mark Ruffalo, history will never forget me because I will murder tens of thousands of innocent people before publicly killing myself. What of men, women, children, and dogs will run the streets of California, Nevada, and New York?
I promise you that. |
dropout | talent_doesn_t_win_oscars_money_does_adam_ruins_everything | Sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, it is.
Awards shows are how tastemakers honor important art, to like crash and better movies. Yes, we'd all love to believe that these awards are determined by objective voters weighing the artistic merits of each work. But the fact is, these might as well be the nominees.
Money can't act, no, but it can make voters act differently. And to influence them, studios and networks throw boatloads of money into what the industry calls For Your Consideration Campaigns. Oh, I've heard of those, and I know exactly what they are, so you don't have to explain them. But go ahead, have your fun. For Your Consideration Campaigns are a very specific form of marketing that's aimed solely at awards voters. They're not quite bribery, but they're close.
We don't have to pay to see movies. The studio sent them to us for free.
Oh, this one comes with an iPad. Or they throw lavish parties for voters to meet celebrities. I met Shailene Woodley, and now we play together. Not to mention the ads of studios plaster all over L.A. You know what? I think he does.
The worst offenders are the Golden Globes. Only the 87 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press get to vote, and since everyone in Hollywood knows who they are, they get campaigned to personally. One year, Sharon Stone's people sent us all gold-coach watches.
So, yeah, she got the nom. Holy crow!
This process is such an open secret, Denzel Washington joked about it on air during an acceptance speech. Some of you may know Freddie Fields. He invited me to the first Hollywood Foreign Press luncheon. He said they're going to watch the movie. You're going to feed them, they're going to come over, you're going to take pictures with everybody, you're going to hold the magazines, take the pictures, and you're going to win the award. I won that year.
And all that advertising costs money. To win an Oscar, studios may have to spend up to ten million dollars. Ten million? That's Kardashian wedding money. I mean, these things are nice, but not ten million dollars, nice. What's the point? You got to spend money to make money.
Mark, this is Pete Hammond, awards columnist at Deadline Hollywood. Hi, Pete. Hey, be careful, Adam. I'm in deep cover. Sorry.
Look, it's all about the bottom line. There are studies that show a nomination itself can mean twenty million dollars more at the box office. And with a win, it can be thirty-five million and up. Actually, even a flop movie can make money with a nomination. Getting nominated is just good for business. And winning a major award conveys something even more important. Prestige and power.
No one was taking Netflix seriously as a TV network. So we resolved to win us an Emmy. We went to the neighborhoods of Emmy voters and we gave their neighbors fifty dollars each to put up Netflix long signs. We sent out food trucks with free lunch all around Los Angeles. We painted the town with money. And that year, we won not only one Emmy, we won three. So I took the other two and I melted them down and made them into rings. Now Netflix is a TV network.
No, awards matter. Leo ate raw meat. He deserves to win.
What quality can matter, but really you've got to campaign. Studios do all sorts of things now to get attention from voters. They have concerts, trips to Vegas, nominees will even come to your house now. Look, spending money doesn't guarantee you're going to win, but if you want to have a chance, you'd better campaign.
That's so disappointing. Sorry. It's true. Oh my gosh. Adam, please hide me. Here comes Anne Hathaway. She's relentless. Sure. Sorry.
Come on. Let's go.
Look, I want my show to win an award too, so I've got to play the game like everybody else. This year, I'm giving every voter a tub of my custom hair gel and a book of my favorite graphs called Graphs.
You'll have fun with that. So what's the point?
All the movies and TV shows that I love are secretly horrible? Oh no, the ones that get nominated are still pretty good, but when it comes to who wins, money talks. I'd like to thank the Academy for accepting me and the studio for always putting my needs first.
Hey guys, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | A_Message_From_the_Skype_CEO | Why would we do that? We have the camera, we have the studio, we're making a promo for Skype, right? So we're doing it? Company needs a promo, right?
Don't you fucking look at me. Hi America, I'm the CEO of Skype, Landon Bablandin-Anovin. Over a year has passed since the first case of COVID-19 was recorded in America, ushering in a new age of personal and professional challenges, where video conferencing services would be the lifeblood of our society.
To everybody out there watching this, I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, fuck you and double fuck your stupid Zoom account. Terry, let me get my fucking point out for a second. What the fuck is Zoom? What is that?
We have been here since the beginning and you cannot tell me that all these people out here didn't switch on purpose just to fuck with me. As God is my witness, you ungrateful fucks, I will have my way! Skype has been there from the very beginning, giving you video calling before you even knew you wanted it. And if you haven't used Skype recently, for some reason, who knows what, now that we've got everything you need, like custom backgrounds, okay, and an end call button, and get this a different corner, whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, because apparently that's a real deal breaker for some of you. That's the stuff that really matters. It must be, because why else would you fuck us in the ass like this, you disloyal snake? Just calm down, calm down. You were already using Skype as a verb. Do you know how big of a milestone that is? When the company name actually becomes the, like, people don't search for things, they Google them. You were Skyping. That's the whole fucking ballgame, baby. That is the crown in your hands. You had our app on your phone, you had our name in your mouth, we were at the finish line, and then we fucking face-planted. Where did we go wrong?
What can Zoom do that Skype can't? A thousand? Why would you want to be on a call with a thousand people? I don't know a thousand people, let alone want to talk to them. What I mean to say is, Skype still offers the video tools for all your needs.
Why settle for anything else when you can have the original? But really, why? Why would you do that?
We at Skype will always be here for you to give you the tools you need. Okay, that was great. Can we try one that's maybe a little brighter? No. We at Skype will always be here for you to give you the tools you need to succeed, even if you drop us like a hot sack of shit for some pretty young thing that just sauntered in. I'm Zoom.
You Leonardo DiCaprio'd us. That's what you did. You're a bunch of DiCaprios.
Hydrox came before Oreos. Did you know that? Hydrox came before Oreos. Betamax came before VHS.
GoBots came before Transformers. Are we GoBots?
You all had us already. So this is war. You don't walk down the street and spit in a man's eye and not expect him to drop from the ceiling of your bedroom in the middle of the night and slit your throat. And I'm not saying that as a threat, legal. I can find it in myself to forgive you. If you left, you know, you can come back. No questions asked. And to those of you who never left, thank you. We are so glad to have you and we're so excited to announce that as a reward for you staying, we're going to shut down immediately and start selling t-shirts. Do you see how insane that sounds to betray you out of nowhere?
How does it make you feel? DiCaprio, DiCaprio. You know, it's funny.
The other day, my mom sent a little email out saying we should set up a family Zoom. I'm mom. Hi, my name is Landon Bablandin Anavan, and I'm here to tell you that please do Skype or I'll die. And now people want to Zoom? I got to Zoom. Oh, I have to Zoom my uncle about cleaning out his garage this weekend.
And now we got Microsoft. They're going to erase us. We're going to become part of Microsoft Teams. That's even worse than Zoom. Teams.
I have to Teams my orthodontist about my adult braces when you could be Skyping your hot fuck partner. Skype. Sounds cool. Sounds like opening a can. Skype. Let me Zoom you. Is any of this usable? Okay. Well, let me know. We can set up a Zoom later if we, fuck. Skype. It's just fun to say. Fuck. |
cracked | captain_america_civil_war_was_almost_a_zombie_movie_movie_whatifs | Can you move your seat?
Captain America Civil War is almost less a movie than a feature-length end credits singer. Sure there's a story about Iron Man and Captain America pretending they disagree about something for a while even though there won't be any payoff in future films, but mostly the point of the film is to launch incredible new MCU characters like Spider-Man and Black Panther and Everett K Ross.
Don't scare me like that colonizer. Well, my name is Everett.
It's kind of amazing the movie itself is any good at all. Yet at the film's early stages this movie bore no resemblance to what we got.
It was going to be minus Spider-Man plus the wasp minus freaking Iron Man and plus Oh, yeah a s**t of zombies. They were originally considering adapting Mad Bomb, a Jack Kirby story about a bomb that makes you mad, like in the British sense, not like your uncle's Facebook posts. It would have still contained the basic Bucky, Captain America plot, but none of the Iron Man stuff because Marvel Studios wasn't sure they'd be able to negotiate a deal with Robert Downey Jr. to be in the movie, but more on that later. So instead of big government Iron Man, Baron Zemo would have set off a bomb that turns the billions and heroes alike into uncontrollable zombies. Of course, the people wouldn't technically be undead. They'd be rage zombies like the people in 28 Days Later or Your Neighbors on Next Door. But imagine that tonal shift after years of slaying hordes of mindless aliens and robots and f**king dark albs or whatever, the Avengers would have to fight hordes of normal people? Okay, tiny dude is big now. Maybe they could have pulled it off. Some of the zombies would be straight-up superheroes and nothing would put butts in theater seats harder than a salivating sweaty Thor giving everybody rage millionaires. And then, for the non-powered angry folk, it'd certainly add a layer of moral complexity to watch Cap quietly weep as he bashes a brainwashed octogenarian in the face with a shield. I mean, we basically already have the ingredients for it if we combine that Captain Marvel scene where she sucks an old lady with the Falcon in the Winter Soldier scene where new Cap brains that dude. Now, just sprinkle in a couple thousand mind-jacked, blood-thirsty children and whatever. And that's movie magic, baby! Okay, but back to the whole reason they were seriously considering zombies for a moment.
As we all know, Robert Downey, Jr. practically was the MCU, but RDJ's contract was up after Age of Ultron. And really, there was no reason he had to be in Captain America 3 at all. But Batman vs. Superman was coming out and Marvel wanted a similar hero vs. hero film that could dunk on Zack Snyder so hard that the backboard shattered. So they asked Downey back for a small role. But Downey didn't do small anymore and asked for a much bigger role and a matching, much bigger paycheck. When Marvel Entertainment CEO Ike Perlmutter heard about this, he went ballistic and tried to get Downey written out of the movie.
Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, the evil mastermind behind the whole MCU thing, was apparently so pissed off by this that he threatened to quit. But just on a story level, that would have had a ripple effect across the rest of the MCU. Civil War would have been severely different, though possibly way more awesome. But you'd also lose the Spider-Man, Tony Stark mentor relationship. And considering how the plot of Infinity War and Endgame unfolds directly from the events of Civil War, those are now different films, too. Maybe Thanos would now be a purple zombie king. Would Downey have even returned to heroically die in Endgame if things went poorly? Would he have just quietly retired off-screen like Bryan and fastened the Furious? Ultimately, Downey's negotiations became so intense, even Walt's severed head could hear the Furious sputtering. So Disney corporate stepped in and changed the leadership structure so Feige could do his thing unhindered. Otherwise, today, we'd probably be reading about how petty budget squabbling did to the Avengers what Thanos couldn't.
He's my friend. So was I. |
TheOnion | Chinese_Paint_Tops_List_Of_This_Year_s_Must_Have_Holiday_Gifts | Hey, now, if you're a parent, you may need to get in line now if you want to get your hands on this year's must-have holiday gift. That's right, move over, Tickle Me Elmo. This holiday season, the present every kid wants is Chinese paint. Polls show that Chinese paint is now the number one most requested gift this year for children ages 3 to 10.
Parents doing early holiday shopping are already picking the shelves clean at shady hardware stores across the country. I could have bought the paint out of the back of a truck, like a lot of parents are doing, but it doesn't seem as safe as buying it from the locked-back room of an actual hardware store. Sold 50 cans just today to my cousin in Shandong province.
Find more paint. No question, just find more paint. Paint very safe.
Only two times this week we find dead rat in can.
And trend analysts predict the Chinese paint craze will only keep growing with the popular new ad campaign featuring a character called Bill the Builder playing on Nickelodeon. Let's take a look at that. I'm Bill the Builder.
I love Chinese paint. Chinese paint is fun at home supply stores. Ask your parents for Chinese paint. It's fun! Cute. So far, over 1,000 children have died from Chinese paint. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_kicks_off_football_season | Now, what about you, Riley? you want Robbie to take your spot? F*** no! He f***ing sucks at football! You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game?
That is bat f***ing crazy! we're gonna f***ing lose! being a kid can be harder than it looks. sometimes it helps to have an adult around. that's why Peyton Manning takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups. you guys ready to play some football? Yeah! put our hands in. we're gonna have fun. we're gonna encourage each other. Teamwork on three. one, two, three. teamwork! Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons of communication. check, check, check, check. Watch the sail, watch the sail. pink, pink. watch the blitz.
Brown, 55, razor. Tuck!
Open. Get open. get your head out of your ass. you suck. Let's go. let's go. get back in here. I can't even look at you. You know what? let's take a part of that in 20 minutes. That's right. stay in there. close the door. open. close the door. Okay, I'm sorry. Do you want to lose? I throw. you catch. it's not that hard, okay? Alright, get the f*** out of here.
I think it hurt. there's no substitute for the hands-on guidance a mentor can provide. then you just push it a little further and you can't do it. Why would you choose your kids? I told you, I forgot them. Cops, Cops, every minute. just a few hours of Peyton's time helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime. just keep biting down. it's looking good. that's a part Two. uh-huh. it's going to be there forever. as well as schemes for life, such as assertiveness.
Mommy, Mommy. Oh, Sally, mommy's dead, remember?
Okay, don't bother the pretty lady. I'm Peyton. Ethics. Alright, now, I'll kill a snitch.
I'm not saying I have. I'm not saying I haven't. you know what I mean. whatever.
Kids, I'm a F***. The Nfl and The United Way. Spend time with your kids, so Peyton Manning doesn't.
You kids All come living with me in my mansion? Yeah!
Calm down, calm down. just f*** with me. you're watching Espn Classic. Professional football didn't always have the glitz and glamour that it has today. in its early days, there was little pay and no rules. today, we journey back for another episode of Four Fathers of the Game. the greatest player with the most meteoric rise I ever coached was Billy the Gun Van Gogh. the quarterback we most feared? The Gun. the Gun. We hated playing the gun. they called me the gun for two reasons. one, I had the best arm in the league. and the second reason was, I always brought a gun on the field. I remember the first game I coached the gun. he got tackled and he was so mad. And when he came back to the sidelines, I yelled, well, what are you gonna do about it? and I'll never forget, he said, I'm gonna get my gun. I was the only official in the league at the time, and there was, with good reason, I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. but technically, there was no rule against it. as Commissioner of the League, I moved quickly to ban firearms, but there was one major loophole. the rule had a grandfather clause. anyone who had already used the gun in the game was allowed to keep up. of course we were upset. we had a great arm and a gun. he would just drop back and stand there pointing his gun at us. there he goes through us. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling, which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet? That was our football.
Gough drops back. here comes the defense. the defense is running away. Now this is time. Throws. Hucks down, Claryman.
We were undefeated going into the championship game, and we wouldn't want it all if not for the incident. on the championship game, Gun was getting a little cocky. he would openly drink on the sidelines. that made him even more intimidating. we could tell he was drunk, so we decided this is our chance. let's all out Blitz. he can't shoot all of us. And we surprised him. you know, he threw it as far as he could and turned it us and took aim. but he was still holding the football. he had thrown the gun. Gabe Silverberg was our star receiver. it was snowing so hard that he didn't realize he was trying to catch a gun until it was too late. Gabe made two catches that day. a touchdown and a bullet.
I had no choice but to kick Gun out of the league. And thus ended one of the greatest football careers I ever seen. this has been Espn Classic.
Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clemson is not gonna. what the hell is going on? Why aren't y'all dressed? Some of us were talking, Coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game. you hit your head too hard in practice last week, son. Robbie's on the practice squad. This is the playoffs. roster's set. Now get dressed.
This is Robbie's dream, Coach. I know there's no room on the roster, so. I want Robbie to take my spot. Robbie can have my spot too, Coach. this is what you want? Yes, sir. Robbie deserves it, Coach. Now, what about you, Riley? You want Robbie to take your spot?
F*** no. he f***ing sucks at football. You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game. that is bat f***ing crazy. we're gonna f***ing lose. he sucks ass. have you seen him in practice? Oh! he's dog f***ing. I'm sorry, Robbie, but you're dog f***ing. he's dog f***ing. Robbie's got heart, Riley. it's got to count for something. he s***ed his pants in practice last week, Stevens. again.
I didn't even run at him and hit him this time. all I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball and he said, no, no, not again. it's coming out. you know what? maybe you don't believe in me, Riley. I definitely don't.
But a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. right, Mr. Fillmore? What, you mad you didn't make the team? Well, listen here. you're five foot nothing. a hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don't got passion. And he gave me the strength to keep going. hold on, because after that I said, unfortunately, passion don't mean nothing at this level. this D1, son, ain't you? Just too tiny. you're going to get your ass stopped, pancaked, son. right, but you believed.
And that's what's important. I'm going to stop you right there. I said one more thing and it was. And who keeps letting you in my office? stop coming back here, man. it's weird. we ain't friends. So that's how that all went down. Enough, Okay?
Look, Coach, you played here. someone gave you a shot. that's all I'm asking for. it's a shot. this is so f***ing dumb. he doesn't even know the place, Coach. I know the playbook front to back. you call any play. I can run any route right now.
All right, Robbie. you get past Riley. you can dress for the game. let's go, Robbie. Robbie, let's see what you got. Red seven on two. different play. don't know that one. Wide right on one. different play. Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on three. different play. Slant Six on two. nope. just going to take my jersey back. Red Devil on three. Skip. Robbie.
Angel Six on two. got it. What was it though? Angel six on two.
I got it, Coach. dumbass. he's all right. but I think he might have done another, you know, in his pants. I almost did, but I held it in. No, he didn't. well, that's that.
Now we've got a football game to win, gentlemen. on the field, we're athletes. But off the field, it's our job to give back, to serve the community. that's why this offseason, Nfl players are using their strength for an important charitable cause, lifting women whose boyfriends can't pick them up.
Give me up. Okay, okay. with me. I'm trying to make it easier for your elevate. Again? I got it from you, boss. Travis Kelsey? I got you, ma'am. Oh, what do you weigh, 80 pounds?
Look, I love my little boyfriend. boyfriend? right. he makes me laugh a lot, and he's so creative. But sometimes, I just want to be thrown around and feel tiny. sometimes I want to be with a man who looks like he can throw my ass over a house.
Babe, good news. Crypto's back. Uh-huh. that's great, babe.
Again. What is Chief Lineman Creed Humphrey doing here? volunteering. Again. That's great. Again.
I love Charity. one more time. you may be eligible for our services if your boyfriend is a comedy writer, music critic, adult Legoist, loves the show andor, has traveled to see John Mulaney, has special glasses for looking at computer, or has arms that are the same width from wrist to shoulder like Doug. Funny. Ooh, my jeans are fitting good today. those are mine. don't worry. I got this, big man. who wants a piggyback ride? me! wee! uh-huh. sometimes I want to feel small. when I wear my boyfriend's shirt, people are like, cute, where'd you get that top? But Jason Kelsey gave me his hoodie, and. it's bigger.
Because sometimes, I just want to be a backpack. And sometimes, I want to be a front backpack.
And most times, we don't want to hear your jokes. we just want to be thrown. chucked. volted into space. lifted straight up from our butt cheeks, smashed into your chest. volted like paper. And most of all, like you are an immovable, pulsating throne for our tired, weathered bodies. You lifting me up? Yeah, I've been working out.
Nfl gives back. the football is you. this is the language .of the game. the greatest player with the most meteoric rise I ever coached was Billy the Gun Van Gogh. quarterback we most feared. the gun. the Gun. We hated playing the gun. they called me the gun for two reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. and the second reason was, I always brought a gun on the field. I remember the first game I coached the gun. he got tackled, and he was so mad. And when he came back to the sidelines, I yelled, well, what are you gonna do about it? and I'll never forget. He said, I'm gonna get my gun. I was the only official in the league at the time, and there was, with good reason, I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. But technically, there was no rule against it. as Commissioner of the League, I moved quickly to Bad Firearms, But there was one major loophole. the rule had a grandfather clause. anyone who had already used a gun in a game was allowed to keep up. of course we were upset. he had a great arm and a gun. he would just drop back and stand there pointing his gun at us. There he is. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling, which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet? That was our football.
Gough drops back. here comes the defense. the defense is running away. Now this is time. throws. Tucks down.
We were undefeated going into the championship game, and we wouldn't want it all if not for the incident. on the championship game, Gunn was getting a little cocky. he would openly drink on the sidelines, and it made him even more intimidating. we could tell he was drunk, so we decided this is our chance. let's all out Blitz. he can't shoot all of us. And we surprised him. you know, he threw it as far as he could, and turned it us. took aim. but he was still holding the football. he hit, throwing the gun. Gabe Silverberg was our star receiver. it was snowing so hard that he didn't realize he was trying to catch a gun, until it was too late. Gabe made two catches that day. the touchdown had a bullet. I had no choice but to kick Gun out of the league, and thus ended one of the greatest football careers I have ever seen. this has been Espn Classic.
Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clemson is not gonna. what the hell's going on? Why aren't y'all dressed? Some of us were talking, Coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game. you hit your head too hard in practice last week, son. Robbie's on the practice squad. this is the playoffs. roster's set. Now get dressed.
This is Robbie's dream, Coach. I know there's no room on the roster, so I want Robbie to take my spot. Robbie can have my spot too, Coach. this is what you want? Yes, sir. Robbie deserves it, Coach. Now, what about you, Riley? You want Robbie to take your spot?
No, he fucking sucks at football. You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game. that is bat-fucking crazy. we're gonna fucking lose. he sucks ass. have you seen him in practice? he's dog-fucking. I mean, I'm sorry, Robbie, but you're dog-fucking. he's dog-fucking. Robbie's got heart, Riley. it's gotta count for something. he shit his pants in practice last week, Stevens. again.
I didn't even run at him and hit him this time. all I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball. he said, no, no, not again. it's coming out. it's coming. You know what, maybe you don't believe in me, Riley. I definitely don't.
Okay. but a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. right, Mr. Fillmore? oh, what, you mad you didn't make the team, huh? Well, listen here, you're five foot nothing. a hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don't got passion. And he gave me the strength to keep going. Well, hold on, because after that, I said, unfortunately, passion don't mean nothing at this level. This D1, son, ain't you just too tiny. you're gonna get your ass stalked, pancaked, son. right, but you believed.
And that's what's important. No, I'm gonna stop you right there. I said one more thing, and it was. hey, who keeps letting you in my office? stop coming back here, man. it's weird. we ain't friends. So that's how that all went down. enough, Okay?
Look, Coach, you played here. someone gave you a shot. that's all I'm asking for. it's a shot. this is so fucking dumb. he doesn't even know the plays, Coach. I know the playbook front to back. you call any play. I can run any route right now. All right, Robbie. when you get past Riley, you can dress for the game. let's go, Robbie. Robbie, let's see what you got.
Red Seven on two. different play. don't know that one. Wide Right on one. different play. Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on three. different play. Slant Six on two. nope. just gonna take my jersey back. Red Devil on three. Skip. Robbie. Angel Six on two. got it. What was it though? Angel Six on Two.
I got it, Coach. my mask. he's all right. but I think he might've done another, you know, in his pants. I almost did, but I held it in. No, he didn't.
Well, that's all right. now we've got a football game to win, gentlemen. on the field, we're athletes. but off the field, it's our job to give back, to serve the community. that's why this off-season Nfl players are using their strength for an important charitable cause. lifting women whose boyfriends can't pick them up. Give me up. Okay, okay. with me. I'm trying to make it easier if you're elevated. again? I got it from here, boss. Travis, Kelsey? I got you, ma'am. Oh, what do you weigh, 80 pounds?
Look, I love my little boyfriend. boyfriend? right. he makes me laugh a lot, and he's so creative. But sometimes, I just want to be thrown around and feel tiny. sometimes I want to be with a man who looks like he can throw my ass over a house.
Babe, good news. Kripdo's back. Uh-huh, that's great, babe.
Again. What is Chief Lineman Creed Humphrey doing here? volunteering. Again. that's great, again.
I love Charity. one more time. you may be eligible for our services if your boyfriend is a comedy writer, music critic, adult Legoist, loves the show, and or has traveled to see John Mulaney, has special glasses for looking at computer, or has arms that are the same width from wrist to shoulder like Doug Funny. Ooh, my jeans are fit and good today. those are mine. don't worry, I got this, big man. you want some piggyback ride? Me! wee! uh-huh. sometimes I want to feel small. when I wear my boyfriend's shirt, people are like, cute, where'd you get that top? But Jason Kelsey gave me his hoodie, and. it's bigger.
Because sometimes I just want to be a backpack. And sometimes I want to be a front backpack.
And most times we don't want to hear your jokes. we just want to be thrown. chucked. volted into space. lifted straight up from our butt cheeks, smashed into your chest. volted like paper. And most of all, like you are an immovable, pulsating throne for our tired, weathered bodies. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Ah! you lifting me up? Yeah, I've been working out. mm. mm. mm. mm. Nfl gives back. the football is you. |
SaturdayNightLive | megan_fox_monologue_internet_photos_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Megan Fox! to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. It is so cool to be here. it feels like I'm in a dream. And based on the way they dressed me, I guess it's a 13-year-old boy's dream. some of you may know me from the Transformers movies. and some of you may know me from Tv. but most of you probably know me from naked pictures on the internet. there are a lot of those out there. which is weird because I don't remember ever posing nude. But I mean, I must have, because how else could they exist, right? Like this one. this is me at a monster truck rally. I don't remember going to a monster truck rally or taking off my clothes, but that's definitely me. it's interesting to see nude pictures of yourself because it gives you an honest sense of how you look. like in this next picture, my head is just way, way too big for my body. and other times, it's way too small. And also. excuse me, Ms. Fox? Oh, there's a question? Hi, Megan.
I've seen a lot of those online pictures because I'm interested in computers. in fact, I've seen thousands. And some of them look like they might be fake. No, of course they're real. they're on the internet. so there's.
What a relief. Okay, in that case, would you sign this? it's kind of my favorite. Sure. thank you. Wow. you know, I. I really don't remember taking this one. probably the paparazzi, right? Wow, thank you. that's the least I could do. we have a great show. You two is here. a picture of them. so stick around and we will be right back. Thank you. |
dropout | happy_birthday_you_re_not_special | Happy birthday, babe! Ooh, thank you! Aww. And that is so sweet.
What the hell? What?
I read it. What else am I supposed to do with it? I guess that's a good point. Excuse me, sir.
It's my girlfriend's birthday. Guilty. I'm the birthday girl. How are you? Oh, shit. Aww. We have a birthday girl in the house.
Yeah. Do you think that makes you special? Yes. Why?
I have a birthday. He has a birthday. She has a birthday. Even this piece of shit has a birthday.
I instantly regret this. It's literally the least special thing you can do. Yeah, but, you know, I was born. No thanks to you. All you did was claw up your mother's insides. Well, you resisted her heroic efforts to shove your fat little head out of her body.
Now, if she were here, I would gladly offer her a complimentary piece of dry chocolate cake and have the entire waitstaff serenade her. But she is not. You are celebrating without her. Isn't that right? I'll bet you haven't even called her, have you? There's a time difference.
Do you celebrate your half-birthday? I guess I think it's kind of fun to show up to work with some flowers and like a half dozen donuts, you know? That's super cute. That's my half-birthday. That's super cute.
Do you think that's cute? What do you want me to say, man? Do you think she's cute? Tell me.
Yeah. I think she's disgusting. You guys don't do birthday stuff. That's cool. Shut up. Put this in your fucking mouth. Yes, sir.
I don't want to hear from you again. I don't really want cake anymore.
But you came here to feel special on your birthday. Do you feel special on your birthday? So I'm going to make you feel so special. And everyone, it's her birthday. Congratulations. It's your birthday. You were born. Let's have a good time for her birthday. We all love you so much. You haven't made any mistakes. You're special because you were born. Enjoy.
Oh. I guess if all that ends in cake. I just need to see your ID. I don't want to be 21 to eat dessert. No, I think you're a fucking liar. I think you're saying it's your birthday to get free dessert from this restaurant. Do you see what I see? Yeah.
You are two days off. Okay, so it's kind of this thing that we do where, you know, we celebrate the whole week of my birthday. It's my birth week.
I have it printed on a t-shirt and I've got a hashtag going. It's our manager here. I am the manager!
I just want to say you're doing a fine job. Thank you so much. Listen, I see you guys in here all the time. We really appreciate your continued business. It's great to have loyal customers like you. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope. Please stab at the shirt. Oh, okay. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_prof_anu_ojha_obe | Finally, in 1957, the Russians became the first to pull off a successful launch. Why did the Russians launch Sponk into orbit? Well, first of all, when you're looking at Russian words, the name of the world's first satellites was Sputnik 1. And the Russians launched this...
Is that Russian for Sponk? No, it's Russian for traveller. I suppose Sponk in orbit would just sort of float around in globules, like it does in a bath. Sorry, should I change the subject?
A lot of people on the internet say the moon landings were faked. How right are they? They are completely wrong. No historian has ever questioned the reality of Project Apollo, because not one piece of so-called evidence that the conspiracy theorists put forward has ever stood up to peer review scrutiny. Right, but obviously it is fake, because how could they have landed on the moon if the moon isn't real? What makes you think the moon isn't real, though, Philomena? It isn't. I don't know if you've done your own research, but my mate Paul sent me a video that exposes the whole thing. Can you prove the moon exists? You can't, can you?
We see it in the sky. We have sent spacecraft to the moon. We've brought samples back to Earth.
No, watch the video. It'll open your eyes. You probably believe in nighttime too, don't you? I experience it, as do billions of people around the world, so yes, I believe in nighttime. I believe that when the Earth rotates, then we have a period of dark that we call nighttime. Wake up. It's all in the video. They just make us think the moon is real, and that night is real, just to keep us obedient. Think about it. Babies haven't been indoctrinated yet, so they know there's no such thing as night. That's why they wake up screaming.
Right, let's move on. What happened to Laika? I expect they gave her a bone and a rub on the tummy when she got back. Well, Laika unfortunately never made it back to Earth, because shortly after launching, she overheated, and she tragically passed away just a few hours after being launched.
You're fucking joking. I wish I was. No, this was. She was launched on a flight that was pretty much one way.
There's a dead dog in space, so there's a dead dog somewhere in the back of a frame of every film shot in space, like Star Wars. There are dead dogs in Star Wars.
That is unacceptable. Well, Laika's satellite eventually burned up in the Earth's atmosphere, but this was well after she'd passed away. As I say, it was just a few hours after launch that she died. Sorry, can we just have a minute's silence for Laika? There's a dead dog in space. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Chris_Hemsworth_Anya_Taylor_Joy_Rivalry_Inside_FURIOSA_A_MAD_MAX_SAGA | Welcome home to the Last Video Store, a celebration of cinema, movies, films, and the motion pictures you will discover and love for the rest of your life. I am your host, Alexi Toliopoulos, and it is my duty as the soul clerk manning the counter here to act as guide and guardian of all of the films ever made that sit here on our shelves of our infinite archive. Typically, I'm joined by one guest who will talk to me about some of their favourite films ever made in the style of an old school video store rental combo, plus a staff pick for me based on their taste.
But today is a little bit different, and a little bit special, because we are celebrating the release of the decade's most exciting action film spectacle, Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. But today, witness me, as I'm joined by two guests, two dream guests that have earned their rightful place in cinematic Valhalla forever and ever. I am speaking to the stars of Furiosa, a Mad Max saga, Chris Hemsworth and Anya Taylor-Joy, Furiosa herself. Anya Taylor-Joy and Chris Hemsworth achieve cinematic greatness with Furiosa. The incredible forces pitted against each other. I think their performances in Furiosa are their best to date for both of them.
Right before the interview started, they both complimented my outfit, saying the colour coordination between all three of us matched perfectly. And I said, get me in that group chat and we'll continue matching for the rest of the press tour. And we pick up right there.
Hey guys, I just keep messaging non-stop. What are you guys wearing? Okay, I'm weird. So I'm Alexei Toliopoulos from The Batooda Advocate and the new podcast, Last Video Store.
I absolutely love this film. I think it's incredible. You guys are amazing in it. I'd love to kind of kick things off by talking about, you guys have such a diverse career in cinema, a broad swath of working with great filmmakers, different scale films.
What makes work with The Good Doctor, George, on a film of this scale? The Good Doctor. The Good Doctor, George.
He is indeed. I think he's proven himself so much that he can take massive swings and that's really, really cool to be a part of. Also, he's just like the gentlest, sweetest man that comes up with the most demented things and that thrills me. I love going into his brain, out-weirding him. That makes me very, very pleased. Out-weirding him? Oh, that's the best.
If I suggest something and he's like, you're depraved, Anya. I'm like, huge. Yeah, he was like, oh Anya, that's so shocking. That's so shocking. I just tore my nipples out of the last scene, George.
What are you talking about? That's a bit violent. I was like, what? Well, Chris, I want to talk to you about the physicality of your character because I think it's so fascinating, this kind of journey that you take him on, kind of presenting this projection of confidence that kind of evolves or devolves as the character goes on. Can you talk about finding that physicality and embodying it? Yeah, a lot of it was, yeah, because the film takes place over 15 years and so it was a big discussion with George and I about, well, how was he at the beginning versus the end and the decline in his physicality and his emotional intellect, his cognitive clarity, like he wanted it all to be fractured and broken and demented by the end of the film.
And you don't often get the opportunity to do that. And the script had so many places where we could present this proud, nomadic warrior at the beginning of the film. I have all the answers. I can pull you from this world of suffering into better times. And then, you know, I'm not going to ruin it, but it doesn't necessarily work out.
What do you mean?
You'll have to see the movie. Okay, that's a good sound.
Did I do a mock-up? No, no, no, you killed it. Absolutely no spoiler, yes.
I want to talk to you about, like, you're playing a character that has already been established. Can you tell me about bringing yourself to that? And did you talk to Shelley's before or after kind of constructing your own version of Furiosa?
I didn't talk to her before because I knew how much she cared about her. And I think that if I had been in her position, I would have wanted the same thing. I fell in love with Furiosa through Charlie's. I think she's, you know, one of the greatest to ever do it. And so I wanted to be respectful of that. But also, I think it's such an entirely different script. And what was going to be needed from me was something very different. You know, when you meet her in Fury Road, she's lived a lot of life at that point. And I think this Furiosa, especially at the beginning, she's just all drive. It's all just, this is my plan, this is how I'm going to escape this, this is how I'm going to figure this out, this is how I'm going to honor my promise. So I was really excited to finish it and then reach out to Charlie's. And she's been nothing but absolutely wonderful and I'm so grateful for her.
And there's so much of this character which is internal, like this internal struggle. And so much of your performance has to come out through like externalizing those internal feelings through body language. Can you talk about the physicality of that as well?
Yeah, it was slightly terrifying because George had a very specific image of what he wanted. We called it her war mask, how he wanted Furiosa to hold her face. And he was like, you have to trust me, it all lives in your eyes. But obviously as a performer, that's so scary because I'm used to telegraphing everything with, you know, most of all of my face.
But I think what that meant was that when I did have moments where I could break out of it, you really felt it. Because you realize that like, of course, this character is being so suppressed, like there's no room for any kind of weakness. But it was fun also knowing where I was going. It was fun to be able to, like the first time that I walked out as a Furiosa that people recognize more, all the crew that had done Fury Road were like, I was like, yes! You were discussing something, you were talking about volcanoes yesterday. I think there was something incredibly volcanic about the performance where it was just underneath the surface. And I think there's very few people on the planet that can, that have such a well of emotion and such depth with just a look. You know, and it was incredibly intimidating. And hypnotic to stop the opposite at times.
I was like, what's my line again? Oh, thank you, Ben.
I guess there's little bits of lava spurting out, you know, that's kind of like that. And also by the time again, like no spoilers, but by the time we really get cranking, you're like, oh, here we go. Okay, like we've pushed it too far. She's about to erupt. Well, the climax of the film, it's so interesting because, you know, so much of this film is hugely action based. But the climax of that film is just you two in this two-handed together.
Can you talk about kind of building and developing that escalating emotional tension? Nerve-wracking, wasn't it?
And even just the fact that it was one of the last things that we shot. And so we had a good sort of four or five months to discuss it. You know, the very first rehearsal we had was mostly about that scene. And that was the sort of where we're headed. That was our kind of north star. And I was really nervous about it, you know, with many different discussions, many different ways it could have gone. And I'm really thankful that we had developed a friendship and a trust and a bond by the time we got there to explore and kind of go right to just working it out. Because if that had been week one, week two, like, yeah, is it it was it would have been a tricky thing.
I'm only laughing because I'm remembering like the intensity and the violence and then like it would be kind of like, are you okay? Can I help? Do you need water? He's like, I'm fine. I'm like, I don't feel really bad. Stay in it.
Yeah, it was it was really, really great because we did it over three days. And I think going again and again and again, like it's probably one of the most intense scenes I've ever done in that way. And when we finished it, we were like, OK, we can let this go. Yeah. Did you feel like you captured it all? Yeah, we did. We did a lot of different types of takes.
Like I I think when we first went in there, I was like, George, you have to just let me explode for a couple and then you can bring me back. But you have to just let me like go. And Chris being the absolute sweetheart that he is. He's like, yeah, it's been a really long maybe like go for it.
How about it?
Can I ask you both how how's this experience working for you? How's this experience working for you changed you as artists, as actors?
Massively. A lot of ways. Yeah.
But the just the importance, I think, because I've run from project to project over the years and probably not given enough. I haven't had the luxury to rehearse as much and have as much prep time.
And but to something George insisted on. And thankfully, because it makes such a difference, you know, and I know it's a really obvious thing to say, I kind of took it for granted, but the amount of conversations and collaboration and endless kind of allowance for different interpretations and different things to influence the character. And what if we did this? We're just that for me, I want to take to my next film and the sense of sort of playfulness. You know, it's sort of the breaking the rules a little bit and not kind of trying to fit into a box. Just the risk taking. It sounds like it sounds like a very sort of enough thing to say. But it's like, you know, not always trying to hit the target to say, I don't know, let's see what happens and kind of let it run wild.
I love that freedom. Yeah. Is that same for you?
For me, it was more more than anybody else. George is almost like a university professor. If you believe in something, you have to present a thesis and it better be a good one. That's what it has to be. And so especially with someone and he's completely right in this. He's been living with this world and with these characters for decades. So if you're going to change something or if you believe something like very strongly in something, you have to be able to argue it and argue it for a long time. And so I think it's made me very like convicted in some of the choices because it was so wonderful to be able to be like, no, this is why I believe in this. And this is why I think it has to be there. And George is such a receptive person to listen to it. And so I think that's that's probably made me stronger in that. That's so exciting to hear far out.
Can I ask as well, you're surrounded by this great cast of like Aussie character actors that are like not afraid of going big, like Lucky Huang, Angus Sampson, the great David Collins from the Umbilical Brothers. Can you talk about working with those that crew, those guys, did they inspire new things from you? These guys are amazing. They were such a eclectic mix of people from different walks of life. Some people have been in the industry for years. Some people are very new to the space, but everybody just willing and able to give whatever they had because there was such gratitude to be on that set.
Like, you know, Angus Sampson, after my first day of shooting, I had a lot of dialogue and I was a bit kind of nervous. He grabbed me and said, Chris, you're in a bloody Mad Max movie.
Yeah, you're right. He goes, you're in a bloody Mad Max movie. I'm like, OK, you're right. Yeah, that's great. It was a wonderful cast of characters, literally. Yeah, I can imagine. Well, just quickly before I wrap things up, one last thing.
The show that hosts is all about like evoking that nostalgia of film discovery, of going to the video store and finding films that you love for the rest of your life. Do you have any memories of like going to the video store and like discovering films that you love? Yeah, like the first place I was allowed to go to by myself was Blockbuster. And I could take my scooter and I could pick a movie and I felt very grown up. And I remember picking up my girl thinking that it would be like a film for children.
And then my mum comes home and I'm just like, he doesn't have his glasses.
Like, I was screwed for weeks. It was really, really bad.
Is it video ten thousand of that place getting five for five, five weekly rentals for five dollars. And it was like, oh, you'd literally spend five hours in there, too. My parents would say, oh, hurry up.
What about this? You know, is it Kickboxer? Is it Total Recall? Is it Point Break?
It was all just like this kind of crazy action adventure films that me and my brothers would then run out in the backyard and kind of replicate. My brother actually got left in a video store once.
Really? And I didn't tell this story. It's hilarious.
So my mum, right, my mum, no, listen to this. Sorry, mum. My mum had him, he was in the back, he was in the backseat asleep.
It was like probably three or four. Yeah. She pulls out the video store, you know, leaves the car running, runs in, drops the videos off, you know, quickly grabs the thingy mill, jumps back into the car and drives home, gets home, walks inside and leaves him asleep in the car when he was asleep. So he wakes up, you know, gets a phone call and say hello. And they're like, yeah, Mr. Samsler, can we have your son here? And she's like, oh, my God. Wait.
Did she drop off the kid and not the video? No, I dropped the video off and Liam had gotten out of the car.
Oh, honey. While she was doing that, walked in and just, you know, got himself a pack of chips. Oh, that's not her fault. So she turned up and he had like a pack of chips and some Maltesers and sitting on the video store bench. Wow.
Traded to knock off a few of us those late days. Yeah, he needed toughening up, you know, that was a test. That's a rite of passage. We actually did it annually when she first got here. Yeah, they had to leave me somewhere.
I left her in a video store for two days. Wow, you had to find a video store.
Oh, OK. No, you guys left me in the desert. Literally just, this is Sparta.
Well, thanks so much, guys. Really appreciate it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Nice to meet you. And you may have noticed as we were leaving that interview that they both reached out and I shook both their hands. So I know that we are friends forever. So thank you, Anya. Thank you, Chris, for your support and your continued friendship. And thank you for watching this video as well, guys. I know that you were out there watching it. I really appreciate it.
Furiosa, a Mad Max saga, is in cinemas now. Witness it and enter cinematic Valhalla for yourself.
So sad. And then my mum comes home and I'm just like, he doesn't have his glasses. Like, I was screwed for weeks. It was really, really bad.
What are we going to do? Is it video 10,000 for that place? Getting five for five? Five weekly rentals for $5.
What? Great. And it was like, you'd literally spend five hours in there too and my parents would say, oh my God, hurry up. What about this, you know?
Is it Kickboxer? Is it Total Recall? Is it Point Break?
Three Ninjas. It was all just like this kind of crazy action-adventure films that me and my brothers would then run out in the backyard and kind of replicate. My brother actually got left in a video store once.
Really? And I didn't tell this story. It's hilarious.
So my mum, right? My mum, no, listen to this. So my mum. Sorry, Mum. My mum had him, he was in the back seat asleep.
It was like probably three or four. Yeah.
She pulls out the video store, leaves the car running, runs in, drops the videos off, quickly grabs the thing. Jumps back into the car and drives home, gets home, walks inside and leaves him asleep in the car when he was asleep until he wakes up, you know?
Gets a phone call. They say hello and they're like, yeah, Mr. Sampson, we have your son here. And she's like, oh my God. Wait.
Did she drop off the kid and not the video? No, I dropped the video off and Liam had gotten out of the car while she was doing that walk-in and just, you know, got himself a pack of chips. Oh, that's not her fault. So she turned up and he had like a pack of chips and some Maltesers and sitting on the video store bench.
Traded to knock off a few of those late keys. Yeah, he needed toughening up. That's a rite of passage. We actually did it annually when she first got here.
Yeah, they had to leave me somewhere. Wow, you had to find a video store. Wow, okay. No, you guys left me in the desert. Literally just, this is Sparta.
Well, thanks so much, guys. Really appreciate it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Nice to meet you. And you may have noticed as we were leaving that interview that they both reached out and I shook both their hands. So I know that we are friends forever. So thank you, Anya. Thank you, Chris, for your support and your continued friendship. And thank you for watching this video as well, guys. I know that you're out there watching it. I really appreciate it.
Furiosa, a Mad Max saga is in cinemas now. Witness it and enter cinematic Valhalla for yourself. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_harry_caray_on_the_1996_world_series_snl | Well, as I just said, the 1996 World Series will begin tomorrow. joining us tonight on weekend update with his analysis of each team is a baseball legend and a dear, dear friend of mine. please welcome Hall of Fame broadcaster Harry Carey. Hi, Harry. Hi, everybody. Harry Carey here.
I got to tell you, folks, it's going to be one heck of a series. these are two fantastic ball clubs with outstanding pitching. you've got Andy Pettit and David Cone for the Yankees. And of course, the Braves have 24-game winner John Smoltz and Tommy Glavin. he's always tough, Norm. these teams are so evenly matched. Let's start with the Yankees. they play in New York City.
Wow, what a town. this place is crazy. you people are nuts. I want to tell an Armenian woman to give birth to a baby in a Subway. beautiful, beautiful eight-pound, three-ounce boy named Tanzu. he's now 11. we still keep in touch. Ok, well, Harry, what can you tell us about Atlanta? Oh, Atlanta's a beautiful city. many consider it the jewel of the South. you know, it's in Georgia.
Yeah, that's true, Harry. Hey, let's get back to the Braves and Yankees, Buddy. Norm, actually, I'd like to give a quick shout-out to Gail and Ron Anderson. They run Anderson Hardware out in Waukegan, Illinois. they're actually here on vacation. they wanted me to say hi to their beautiful daughter, Colleen, who's watching the store. Hey, Colleen. Ok. Harry, listen, everybody, let's talk about the lineups for both teams, huh? Hey, Norm, what about those hot dogs they serve at Yankee Stadium? aren't they delicious? Yeah, sure, yeah.
I love them so much, I once ordered 12. 12 hot dogs? Yeah, I only ate two. I don't know what I was thinking. to this day, I still laugh at the idea that I thought I could eat 12 hot dogs.
You can't do it, Norm. You can't. No, I imagine not. Well, Harry, I know you have to run.
But before you leave, hey, let's get your prediction on who will win the series. Yankees in Six. Wow, how about that? that's great, that's great. So that's your prediction, huh, Yankees in Six? Oh, to the Braves. you never know, Dawg. that's what makes baseball such a crazy game.
Ok, Harry Carey, everybody. Harry Carey, thanks for joining us, Harry. nice to have you with us. good you could drop by. |
TheOnion | Sources_Warn_Miley_Cyrus_Will_Be_Depleted_by_2013 | This week, the New York Times will run the first in a six-part series examining America's overuse of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus. Most experts now agree that at current usage levels, Miley Cyrus will be drained dry of entertainment value by 2013. Joining us now is Miley researcher Dr. Justin Canty from the Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use. Doctor, you say this is the worst entertainment crisis humanity has ever faced? Absolutely. Miley is a potent entertainment resource, but we are overusing her at unprecedented levels.
She's on television, albums, toys, clothing. She has a sold-out live concert series.
If we don't act now, the down-to-earth Miley, who likes text messaging with her friends and playing guitar in her bedroom, will be wiped off the earth forever. You point to the examples of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, the Olsen twins. Well, they were bountiful entertainment resources that are overconsumption reduced to smoldering remnants, but we are burning through Miley at a far more aggressive rate. Then what is the timeline here? Typically, a teenage star can have profits drilled from her for approximately six years before dropping down to issue two wild levels. Miley was discovered only three years ago, and already there's pregnancy rumors, the photo scandal. However, though, Disney says it has plans to pump songs and shows out of Miley for at least another three to five years before discarding what's left of her. She won't last that long. Within two years, she'll be a little more than a withered, desiccated husk, incapable of causing anyone any amusement at all. So what are the consequences if we don't cut back on our Miley use? As Miley entertainment becomes more and more scarce, the millions of families across the world that have grown dependent on it will begin to fight for it or hoard it.
Society as we know it will fail to function, governments will collapse, humanity will be reduced to roving tribes of barbarians constantly searching and fighting and scouring the landscape for the last remaining Hannah Montana fashion doll or the best of both worlds CD. Incidentally, that is the future that's depicted on the cover of my new book. A bleak prospect, Dr. Justin Canty of the Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use.
Thank you, sir. Thank you. We opened up an earthquake, wiped out Etch A Sketch A Stand today. |
cracked | quentin_tarantino_is_bad_at_talking_to_black_people | You make me want to be a better man He's known for his his unconventional style and of course for pushing the envelope when it comes to filmmaking 106 and Park Please welcome writer director and Academy Award winner Quentin Tarantino That film has to be like one of the most quoted movies in Hollywood with just the lines and everything So you got to give us this is my question for you. Okay. Yes What is the most famous like your favorite line? From pop fiction. I think probably the most famous line is I'm gonna get medieval on your ass Pleasing your fans or pleasing the critics for you. Oh interesting question actually.
Um, um Well, I want to I want to please my fans I don't want to please the critics that are my fans. The critics ain't my fans.
I don't give a damn The other thing when you're working with Quentin, you know that what he's really doing is is fulfilling his vision You know this he's a visionary director for us to have the opportunity to work with Now I'm not that computer savvy So if he had sent me something that I plug into my computer, I don't know if I would have ever heard it All right. Hey download this. I don't know how to do that. All right, you know, so he put it on a cassette tape then Jamie My man. Yeah.
All right goes the BT Awards Comes back with Rick Ross Rick Ross and the whole posse What happened was is that Bad men a hundred black grays so I can lay their ass in I need a hundred black preachers with a black sir Go over to carry with my little taper going to play it That's in the movie and Anthony Hamilton brought in a joint that was just fantastic and I'll get took it home and I played I go this is Before my movies are always filled with songs But it's always stuff that I chose from either my own collection or something like that I never had like a music supervisor hook me up with stuff. It's always stuff. I chose Probably the reason I never did that is I didn't want to actually go up to an artist and ask them to write something And then they do red-nosed reindeer the trolley Brown special. What was that one with Fred Astaire is the mailman Starts he's narrating it Santa Claus is coming to town Hi, I'm cracked sore and buoy subscribe and I'll show you how strong I am Hahahahaha |
dropout | only_i_can_insult_my_mom | Jesus, my mom sent me another article about someone's phone exploding and starting a fire. Aww, she must really be worried that that's going to happen to you. She's constantly sending me neurotic emails. Every week I get these sensationalist articles about the dangers of Lyme disease, or aspartame, or tap water. At least you only have to deal with one paranoid parent.
Some people have to deal with two. Okay, well fuck both of you. Katie, what the hell?
You called my mom paranoid, or did you already forget that that happened? Only I can talk shit about my mom. I didn't say anything. Yeah, but you laughed at Grant talking shit about my mom. Nobody but me gets to laugh when somebody talks shit about my mom, which is also something that nobody but me gets to do.
I was just reiterating what you said. No, you fucking idiot. You called my mom paranoid, okay? Only I can say she's paranoid. Okay. I'm sorry I said your mother is paranoid. Yeah, let's just move on, okay? Just don't say it again. There's nothing really wrong with being paranoid.
I wish my mom had been more like that. She never worried about anything. She was too busy being eccentric. What'd she do? Oh, tons of stuff. She's like the artist type, you know? Like she would show up at school in these like sequent dresses or like cowboy hats.
Something embarrassing like that. Oh man, that is crazy. Hey, this is a nice shirt! Don't you fucking say anything about my mother ever again. Jess, I'm sure you're overreacting. Bullshit! You heard what she said. That's crazy! I don't sound like that.
What do you think? You think my mother belongs in the nut house? You think she's a nutcase?
I didn't mean it like that. I meant it more like that's fun, like crazy fun. Good. You fucking better have. I'm sorry, really. It's clear neither one of you were raised by my mom.
She is very relaxed. How so? She's got this great chill vibe. It's like every day's a day at the beach. That is relaxed.
Can you ever talk about my mother like that? That was a compliment. Really? We swear. It was a compliment when you said she was relaxed. Yeah. That's a nice thing to say about somebody. Yeah. Yes, I do see how that would be a compliment.
I apologize. I can be a little rash. Well, you sound like my mom. That's too bad.
Don't you fucking dare say that. Stop hitting me! No! Get off of me!
You're going to kill her!
Oh, that totally reminds me of my mom. She was a mob boss. She killed a lot of people. Um, sounds like an awesome mom. Are you kidding? No, she's a murderer. She's in prison.
We're all terrified of her. Yeah, I was going to say, that sounds super scary. The hell did you say?
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Tuesday_14th_April | It was a weird kind of an Easter break and while there wasn't a whole lot of inter and intrastate travel going on there's certainly been a fair bit happening in the news so let's get into it. Starting off with some international news and Jesus's long awaited return certainly didn't go as planned on Sunday. A Petuda Advocate exclusive we revealed that Jesus Christ was fined $1000 after police deemed his resurrection on Sunday a non-essential outing. Emerging after a significant period of time in ISO the Christian poster boy was unceremoniously pinged by Queensland police for sitting down in a local park. With no exercise equipment in sight and clothed in heavy robes police reportedly decided to use their discretionary powers to give him a sharp warning about non-essential outings in the light of the whole COVID-19 thing. Christ then reportedly disappeared back into his cave and it's not known whether he'll be coming out again any time soon. The police told the advocate that rules are rules and they won't be bending them for anyone not even Jesus Christ himself.
Jack Buckley one of our loyal readers commented on that story saying he's a carpenter and therefore an essential worker should have had his trailer with him and said he's got a job on the other side of Jerusalem. Ah well he's only young lesson learned no need for the media to crucify him for it. Spot on Jack great point.
In other news of national significance now and down south some Melbourne elites hiding in Portsea were given away over the weekend by stickers for weird private school sports on the back of their luxury vehicles. They were spotted by angry locals who said that seeing stickers for competitive croquet, sailing and even polo has given away all of the Aspen ski bunnies currently responsible for the disastrous spread of coronavirus in Victoria and the destruction of the domestic economy. As the nation locked down for the quietest Easter since World War One there were still a few people like the Smaugaloo family who fearing neither accountability nor repercussions for their decision to leave the hedges of their turak homes said the Easter lockdown wasn't directed at people like them and they're yet to face any actual consequences for getting caught out but will endeavor to keep you up to date on that one and let you know if they do. Back home now for some local news and a teenage daughter has briefly looked up from her phone to learn that the planet's been in lockdown for the past three weeks. It marked the first time in the past 21 days that the 19 year old has looked up from her phone causing her to realize the true horror of being trapped inside her parents six bedroom Batuda Grove Tudor revival for the foreseeable future. That stunning realization was then compounded by the revelation that her gather was most certainly off later that night so hopefully she's coping okay. Elsewhere around town now and wife material whispers local woman taking half burnt Betty Crocker fudge cake from the oven. Yes having been in lockdown for a month Sammy Lee thought it was time to test out her baking skills on her soon to be husband which shortly after that resulted in the warm smell of perfectly cooked chocolate brownies circling around their apartment. That was then followed by the distinct smell of something burning and the smoke alarm going off at which point the Zoom conversation ended.
Bow tying today with some sports news now and Phil Gus Gould has promised to bring back the shoulder charge as first act if he's made the NRL CEO. With all stakeholders in the NRL currently fighting with each other amidst the COVID-19 crisis the patron saint of Penrith has been bandied around as the next boss of the game. While he's hosed down those rumors publicly he's also publicly said that if he were somehow through no fault of his own to become the CEO he'd make sure to fix the game. Speaking with the shoulder charge and then the biff he told the advocate that if the game is going to start back up on the 28th of May amidst the global pandemic we shouldn't be too worried about the consequences of a few rattled melons so he'd be bringing back the iconic big hits as the first order of business. How good would that be so we'll wait and see if he can make it happen. But that's the last order of business for our bulletin so it's goodbye for now. Thanks for tuning in and we'll be back again tomorrow with your daily dose of honest hard hitting regional news. Until then I'm Wendell Hussey, goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | what_s_in_the_kiln_snl | Hello. Hi there. so fun. welcome to what's in the Kill, where amateur potters shine. I'm Lorraine Glans Friedman. and I'm Judy Frizz. we're here at Earth's Treasures Pottery Studio in Women's Creek, Vermont. and we're gonna talk about what's new and hip in the world of amateur pottery. uh-oh. watch out. Well, I'm excited to see what you created this week, Raney. you know, I'll admit, I'm a little excited, too. now, it's just a mug, but I think it's my best yet. Now, remember, folks, we're not professionals.
No. here it is. Oh. Oh, My. God. Raney, it's amazing. Oh, you think? Yes, I like how heavy it is. it's like a workout to drink out of it. right, right. you know, and it never looks dirty because it never looks clean. No, it doesn't.
Yeah, but enough about me.
What did you create this week? Well, I made some finger bases. Oh, so fun. And now, what is the difference between a finger basin and a bowl? My husband said I couldn't bring home any more bowls. Oh, been there. Yeah, so I made three finger bases.
Awesome. I wanted to make something stackable so they used the space. there's a smart idea. Oh, here they are. Oh, incredible. Wow. gosh, they just disappear into each other. Yeah, and there's three of them, so if you still have one left over, if your husband accidentally drops two when you're out of the room. Oh, he is so clumsy. he is. he is.
Now, I love the reaction my family has when they open one of my handmade bowls. it's like, what? whoa. I get that too. Well, our guest today has been making incredible gifts here for the past three years. she's an amateur potter, but the star of our studio. we're so excited to welcome Cody Karabiner-west. so great. thank you. sorry, my hands are a little scuffed. we had to wrangle a possum out of the compost. Oh, no problem. we're so honored. your stuff is amazing. Oh, thank you. thank you. What I love most about Potteries, it's so personal. You know, these days, people don't want something made by a machine. they want something made by a pre-menopausal lady in a fleece vest. God, that is so true. People, Cody's stuff is just on another level. I mean, look at the bowls that me and Judy did. Oh, gosh. gosh. And now look at Cody's.
I mean, look at the difference. it's like night and day. don't worry, ladies. you will get there. Well, I'll get there.
All right, now, I hear that you brought a few things from the kiln this week. so let's see what you made. see it. Well, sure. this first piece started out as the Virgin Mary with Child. And what is it now? it's a bowl. Here it is. Oh, wow. Oh, dream? dream? so thought-provoking. Oh, thank you. it's a foyer bowl. And what is that? A foyer bowl sits by the front door, and it just holds everything. four coins, one pill, one key that opens nothing, one earring back, your husband's wedding band, et cetera. Oh, okay. okay, but you make more than bowls, right?
I have started branching out, yes. yes, and I'm trying to get bold. Oh. here's a piece I did last week. I wasn't gonna share.
Oh, all right. Okay. all right. Oh. Oh, my God. Wow. boy. it is so layered. Yeah. Oh, wow. okay. wow.
I don't want to be too forward. but is that a replica of your vagina? No. no, no. it is a replica of my mother's vagina.
Oh, sure, sure, yes. You know, at first, I thought it was a cabbage. No. but I see it now, vagina. Yeah, okay. Now, when you sculpt your mother's vagina, do you use picture as a reference? Of course, yes. I want it to be accurate. Mm, sure, sure. And now, where do you get a photo like that? Just Google. uh-huh. Okay, sure.
Well, it's amazing. God, I've paid big bucks for something like that. Well, it's actually for sale. I'd be happy to sell it to either of you right now. I was worried that my mother's vagina would be a tough sell, but thankfully, I found a buyer.
Oh, and who's that? my father. Oh, okay. yeah. and with that, let's take a break. we'll see you next time on what's in the kiln. And quick announcement,: this Friday's wine drinking and glassblowing class has been canceled due to several ponytail fires.
See ya. |
TheOnion | New_Law_Legalizes_Brandishing_Guns_At_Head_Level_Season_1_Ep_9_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network better news better viewers Let's get right to it I'm gonna take you to New York where state senator Matthew Osgood is under fire from colleagues for accepting an Insultingly cheap bribe Osgood allegedly promised an FBI informant lucrative state contracts in exchange for $3,000 New York officials were of course outraged Three thousand dollars is a crime Matthew Osgood brought shame on New York a glorious state that shouldn't be sold I fronting less than two hundred fifty thousand dollars in a large boat and across the country Proponents of gun rights are celebrating today following a Supreme Court decision to uphold a citizen's right to carry a gun at head Level in public while critics have long claimed the practice is dangerous Gun advocates say holding a gun at head level at all times is necessary for self-defense A man can't feel safe unless he knows his gun is pointed at every other man's temple I'm a single mom so I can't take chances with my baby's safety The NRA is hoping that this ruling will push the courts to recognize other gun owner rights such as the right to put a Gun in someone's mouth while crushing their throat with his boot and in some more Supreme Court justice news The Beltway is buzzing after Stephen Breyer was spotted crying yesterday outside of a doctor's office Leading to a frenzy of political speculation that the associate justice might have an incurable disease Which would require President Obama to nominate someone new to the nation's highest court DC wonks have vowed to be more careful than last year when they misdiagnosed Justice Kennedy's head cold as possible tuberculosis and Scalia's food allergy as the German measles Nonetheless a Washington Post columnist predicted that if it's AIDS Breyer could potentially serve another five years But if it's lung cancer Obama will have to make a new appointment before summer Brooke thanks Tucker, so what's your guess for Breyer?
I'm gonna go with lymphoma.
I was gonna say cardiovascular disease But I think you're probably right Brooke.
It's probably lymphoma Tucker, and I love to play this game Well, we need to take a short break right now But you can always stay connected to the onion news network online right now on our website You can see the full text of the Labor Department's new jobs report That's revised the unemployment rate upwards to 72% after finding that millions of Americans were listing podcasting as a job stay with us |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Hilarious_Onscreen_Drug_Freakouts | Today we'll be talking about hilarious on-screen drug freak-outs. In movies and TV, often drug freak-outs are so over-the-top and strange that they become the funniest part of unfunny shows. So I want to share with you guys the story of 1982's Desperate Lives, an after-school special starring Helen Hunt. Now the movie basically takes place in this amazing high school where pretty much every student is on every kind of drug you can imagine.
Now Helen Hunt is a little better. She's only toked a couple times. Her boyfriend, who also has kick-ass feathery hair, cooks up his own batch of angel dust in the school's science lab. And she comes in and he says, come on baby, you know, like really puts on the heavy peer pressure, you gotta try some of this stuff. Come on, for anniversary. There's an amazing continuity error in which he's holding the little bump of angel dust on his index finger when the shot is from behind him, and then when the shot is from behind her, all of a sudden the bump of angel dust is on his pinky. Awesome.
You don't see her run for the window. You don't see her freaking out before it. Immediately, all you see is her crashing through this window.
The way these movies are written, you either assume that they are written by someone who has never seen or taken a drug in their life, or more likely a hilarious Hollywood screenwriter who's super high and is just like, this is what squares want to hear about drugs. So Nathan, your film deals with a prominent cast member of Miami Vice, is that correct? The film in question, I'm sure you're all familiar with it, is Death Drug, which is this insane, insane 1978 anti-PCP exploitation movie. Phil Michael Thomas' character in Death Drug is an up-and-coming musician. Music is my thing. And the one realistic part of this movie is that he's involved in music and involved in drugs at the same time.
And what makes this film such a bizarre, a sort of cultural slash kitsch artifact, is it was made in 1978, and then Phil Michael Thomas, he became a big television star and that very successful musician. And then halfway through the film, apropos of absolutely nothing, they have a music video from Phil Michael Thomas from like 1983 or 1984. And bear in mind that this film takes place in 1978, so the medium of music videos did not exist. Music So Phil Michael Thomas gets pretty crazy with the PCP.
And has all these like bizarre hallucinations. And he tries to quit. But then at the very end, he has like this massive, like the mother of all PCP freakouts. And there are all these plastic insects. And there are all these people in like these incredibly, incredibly cheap monster costumes. And it really is like the prop department just went to like this cut rate Halloween good store for like all of the effects. So he's like, ah, ah.
And he runs into the middle of the road. And then he gets hit by a crack and he dies.
And this has never been available on DVD, like I would like to crack that. Maybe we can start a Facebook campaign. I just want you to tell me that you love me.
Genevieve, I understand you're going to talk about a drug even more dangerous than Angel Dusta. Not every anti-drug message has to involve people throwing themselves out of windows. Sometimes it can just be about good old marijuana and how hard it can be to maintain. As in the case of Freaks and Geeks, specifically the Chokin' N' Token episode.
Lindsay Weir, played by Linda Cardellini, tries pot for the first time. It doesn't work. She doesn't get stoned. I thought you said this was supposed to be fun. Yeah, this is fun. So she tries it again and she gets totally wasted. The only problem is she forgets that she has to babysit. You're supposed to be babysitting for the Johnsons. I am? So how does overachieving a student like Lindsay deal with being totally stoned and not knowing what to do? She reaches for a reference book and obsessively pours over the marijuana entry. Obviously it doesn't work. It just gets her even more freaked out.
You're cheating. No, no, no. I'm not cheating. Just give me some space, man. Okay?
Coincidentally, Freaks and Geeks was canceled the very next day after this episode aired. And then it was on ABC Family. Yeah, I believe that they edited the pot episode. They edited so she dies at the end from smoking pot. It'll be over. For more hilarious on-screen drug freak-outs, check out avclub.com. |
dropout | new_website | Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Did anybody notice that I was late? Nope, nobody noticed because nobody's here. Okay, so no. Perfect, doll. Everybody noticed that you weren't in work today, though. But nobody noticed that I was late.
Nope, I guess not, just me, who's here at 11, doing your work for you. Okay, please don't turn this into a thing.
I mean, how do you even be 13 hours late to work? I guess I set my alarm for eight and I snoozed. I snoozed it until seven, sure-tea. And then I raced here as fast as I could. Okay, well, given the fact that that's sad on its own, why did it take you three and a half hours to get to work?
Pit stop! Nice, is your computer in that bag? Ah, sheesh, no. But there is a third pounder here with your name on it, brother. It's disgusting, please put it away.
I mean, why are you even here? What are you doing here?
Um, it's gonna save that for your 18th birthday. Okay, I'm 22. But, let me finish.
Made us a website. Yeah, yeah, you did. Jake and Amir did this work. How do I hit send? Is this an email, Jake.org? Yeah, okay. That'll work. Yeah, brother, and it's blue, which is pretty much the chillest color for a website.
Pretty much spelled my name with two Ks, why? Why two K? Seriously, though, J-A-K-K-E, okay, yeah. Must have been a finger slip when I... Twice. Uh, yeah, okay, Jake with one K. Now I know that, going forward.
Okay, how about the .org, why is that? I think .com was take-all. Probably not. I don't know. I mean, why are you critiquing it? Look, it's pretty much the chillest site devoted to us. I guess I just don't understand why anybody in their right mind would go to a website about us. Seems really boring. |
dropout | the_c_word_but_for_men | Mic trap. Yeah. Issue with your receipts again, dog. These need to be taped down on all four sides.
Okay, does it really matter? Um, does it really matter? Yeah, I think it does.
Otherwise, I probably wouldn't be over here talking to you about it. You know what I'm saying? So use your brain next time, Chief. That was intense. God, I'm sick of this. The next time Brody comes over here, I'm telling him that he's an asshole. Yeah, I mean, I guess.
That asshole feels so insufficient. Maybe call him a dick? Not mean enough. Could he be a prick? It's too similar to dick.
The word needs to be jarring. Yeah, it should sound harsh to the ears. Oh, I think you mean cunt, but for men. Now, there it is. Of course. But what word means cunt, but for men? Shit squeak. It's gender-specific, but unfortunately for women again.
Poop splooge. Cunt is far more biting it. It needs to make me wince more. Smagma-faced ass-wife. Doesn't encapsulate my hatred as well or concisely as cunt does. Shit-brained pubeface? Chode-headed mother lover. Bonerbanzo douchebag.
Cumbubler. Comtart? Mr. Dick Sack. Saggy Sack? Head captain of the Skroatboat team.
Hey, Sam. Hi, Sam.
Fucked up closer, fucker sucker. The all-American goochless wonder. Duke-eating fuckboy.
Maybe this is the wrong approach. You're right. It's time to move away from curse words and into rude statements. Walk up to him and say, you've got a crooked, discolored penis, and then walk away. Or say, I hope you get hit by a speeding car and you don't die until you get to the hospital.
Well, any of this really hurt him? I want to really hurt him. Accuse me of something. Say, your privilege blinds you and you deserve none of your success.
Too wordy. Cunt is so concise.
Or we insult somebody he loves. Your parents were unfit. I think he already knows that. Go long, dude. Oh, yeah, Trev. You got a fucking cannon for an R, baby. Yes! God, how I hate him. I really think there's only one solution to this.
Mmm. Five o'clock somewhere, baby. Crack that afternoon bruce. Is this to make up for earlier, kid? Mmm. Really good.
You're such a loo- I'm sorry, what was that? I think I said there's poison in the sandwich. I use company money to buy poison. Poison. Guess what I do with the receipts?
You didn't tape all four sides. He didn't tape all four sides.
Fuck you. I win. You fucking poisoned me?
Ah. Weird that it's the same, isn't it? |
dropout | the_mystery_of_the_female_thigh_gap | The thigh gap. One of human evolution's greatest mysteries. When we see something like the thigh gap in human evolution, we need to ask ourselves why? Historically speaking, the thigh gap pops up about the same time that yoga pants are introduced to the colony. It became a kind of mass cultural delusion, engaging in the idolatry of nothingness, uttering strange incantations like a dat gap. I studied the thigh gap in its natural habitat, trying to understand what function it served.
Turns out, none. It's actually bad for balance and your pussy gets coke. So why did this stupid thing become a popular stupid thing? One speculation is sexual selection. Perhaps it was attractive to males in the tribe. This idea runs contrary to their extensively documented interest in dat ass.
A woman with a thigh gap could not have the proper amount of junk in the trunk. I'm sorry.
Another problem here, and this is where it gets really, really cool, is that if women evolved less muscle over time, it stands to reason they would need more protection from predators, right? But if you look at the evolution of men over time, it's not likely they could provide any protection at all. So how did this arbitrary measure of bone structure become a standard of beauty? I don't know, we're not scientists, we're just the History Channel. |
ClickHole | finally_this_video_game_teaches_girls_about_physics | Hey everyone, you're watching Next Gen. Today I want to show you a pretty cool game that's actually trying to accomplish some good in the world. It's called Donkey Kong Country and it's a physics sandbox meant to get young girls interested in science. The game acts as a primer on fundamentals of physics, teaching about subjects including gravity, momentum, and buoyancy. What's really ingenious is that instead of just presenting a boring science lesson, the game makes it entertaining for girls by wrapping it up in a fanciful story about an ape trying to find his stolen bananas. Throughout Donkey Kong Country, girls will find bananas floating in mid-air and will have to calculate how to reach them, but it's rarely just as simple as jumping. Hostile critters like alligators and flying bees serve as obstacles, and touching them can kill your ape avatar. The player has to plot a trajectory that allows them to reach bananas without getting hurt in the process. It's so much fun, girls might not even realize they're learning science. All the educational stuff is made interesting thanks to fun minigames. You can do things like perform cartwheels, lift weights, and tame beautiful animals such as rhinos and swordfish, and ride them like ponies.
Now, let's get to the downsides. The graphics are a little bit primitive, and character customization is close to nonexistent. You can play as a large ape or a small monkey, and that's it. Despite the no-frills presentation, you can tell the game is a labor of love from developer Rare.
They clearly have a passion for getting more women into science careers, and it shows in the care they took designing every level. They even spent time coding a minecart simulator to introduce young women to mechanical engineering. So, if you have a daughter between the ages of 4 and 8, buy her a copy of Donkey Kong Country, and you just might be training the next great scientist. |
dropout | Who_Peed_In_a_Ziplock_Bag_While_In_a_Moving_Car | Who peed in a Ziploc bag while in a moving car? Okay. That's Christine Byer. What? Yeah. Okay, but Grant has a, I'm assuming, male genitalia. This feels like a penis thing. Yeah. But you don't use a Ziploc bag when you have a penis, you use like a bottle.
Oh, you can just pull over. Yeah. Yeah, you can pull over. You can pull over.
I just want to note that someone behind the camera just nodded their head yes at that. Yeah.
It's not a Ziploc bag. A bottle.
Okay, it's Anna for sure. Anna peed in a bag. Okay, just actually give my vibe. Okay, okay. Why? Because I think it's Anna then.
I can also see you doing it being like ha ha and then being like a little embarrassed about it afterwards. And then also peeing in a Ziploc bag is also someone who would wear jorts and you're wearing jorts. I am wearing jorts.
Yeah. Prepared. She's trying to deflect. Oh, wow. But I will say, Christine, it is sort of your vibe in all sorts. It is a Christine bag.
If I didn't have- Wow, you go to a skate park. A way to clean up- 10,000 miles an year and you get accused of peeing in a Ziploc bag. Skateboarders are doing the most rank shit you could ever imagine.
I know, but so are people from Michigan. What? What do you think Michigan is?
Taxis. Disgusting people. It's actually not disgusting. No.
That's true. Well, that's true.
Wait, what's Michigan's thing?
Lakes. We're surrounded by lakes. Okay, so a lot of water. Water. It's a wonderful state. She's thirsty.
I really can't see. And I really am not trying to just like be like, oh, you had a facial. You wouldn't pee in a car.
Like just like totally like be femme phobic here. Oh my God. Wow, this is actually getting really femme phobic.
It is, but I don't think it's you. I don't think you do that.
Well, I definitely really have to pee sometimes. Yeah. We're all pretty small, ladder wise. Yeah, yeah. We haven't officially gone over this, but we're all extremely short. Five, six and a half.
Yeah, but those fish will stare. It's literally the lollipop guild in here right now. And I have heels on. I feel so powerful.
Grant, stay away.
Yeah, I'm hanging out. I'm gonna hang. That's fine. I'm gonna ask this episode. I feel like your mommy is not even thinking it yet. I love it. This is beautiful.
This should be a TV show. You have to show those heels now, Lily. Those are wild. I'm wearing tall shoes, blah, blah, blah, whatever. They've got platforms on.
Let's get our guesses in. Anna, who do you think peed in a Ziploc bag while in a moving car? I think it's Christine. Dana, who do you think? No, I think it's Anna. Christine, who do you think? I think it's Anna. DJ, who do you think? It's Anna, for sure.
Will the person who peed in a Ziploc bag in a moving car please take a sip of their drink? No, look at that.
They would give it to Anna. Michigan's finest. So this is actually a very Michigan story.
So I go home maybe once or twice a year. And whenever I go home in the summer, I always, always go to Cedar Point. Does anyone know what Cedar Point is? Oh.
The best rollercoaster park. I'll name every rollercoaster in Cedar Point.
No, okay, he can do this. The dragster.
Okay, so my sister and I planned ahead of time to go to Cedar Point. And it's about a four hour, maybe three hour drive from Beverly Hills.
We travel and it's worth it. Worth it, worth it. It's absolutely worth it.
I'm really trying to be cool, but I could do this for like an hour. I really just want to talk about our experiences there. So we're driving and we're running late. Let's just say we got off to a rough start. And I said, and you can't, because here's the thing.
The Millennium Force, the Maverick, those lines after 10 minutes become 45 to an hour minute waits because those are like the top rides. So you have to get your ass there 10 minutes early and you have to run through the park. So my sister was like, we're getting to the park on time.
And I was like, okay. And then I was like, I kind of have to pee, but I can hold it. There was a triathlon happening in Sandusky, Ohio and bikers were just going through the city. And we had to stop and wait in traffic for like, it was like, stop, go, stop, go, stop, go. And I kept being like, oh, I kind of have to pee. Like maybe we could just stop.
She's like, no, we'll just keep pushing. We'll keep pushing.
And so once we passed through it, I was like, it had already been like a couple hours that I haven't peed. And I was like, I have to go so bad. Of course, on a long car trip, I packed snacks. I brought a freezer gallon bag of mini wheats. And I was like, Sarah, I have to piss. And she's like, well, we're not being late to Cedar Point. So she kept driving. And in the back of her car, I pissed in a freezer gallon bag, kind of wrapped it around myself and didn't spill a little lick.
I was gonna say, how's the coverage on that? Oh, that is so much pee. You're well hydrated. So the thing about me is that I'm incredibly well hydrated. Why does it look like Bob Lass?
We got to the park because we were like, no stops. And so I was, and we were like, we have to run to get to the rides on time because we're crazy.
And I was running through the parking lot with my gallon of piss until we found a trash can. The moment we found a trash can in the parking area, I dumped it in there.
And that bag was scalding hot. It was warm. It was like holding a little baby.
You could have sold it to a piss free. You could have drank that like a Capri Sun. It could have sold it. Yeah, I should have sold that in the parking lot.
It was so worth it. So absolutely the move. We still got there. We got in the Millennium Force with, it was a 10 minute wait at most. And it was worth it. It was incredible.
Everyone got points except for Anna. But didn't she? Thank God. Anna's got all the points she needs. Anna, you did exactly like that. I think at this point. Anna's got cedar point.
Next. Oh, oh. Incredible. So true. |
dropout | the_replace_vagina_with_cornbread_monologues | See you Give it up for the stinky boys up next we have the only two members of our drama club Rachel T and Rachel are Okay today, we're performing a piece written by the goddess herself event slur it's called the vagina It's called the vagina, but we're not allowed to say that so it said we're replacing it with a word that has the same essence Could the lights please? This is fine. Thank you. That looks better. Thank you.
I bet you were worried. We were worried worried about corn bread Let's talk about the word corn bread for a hot second. It sounds like a medical Inception nurse bring me the corn bread corn bread if your cornbread could talk. What would it say? slow down Okay, this part usually gets a laugh usually gets a pretty big PTA had a meeting and we're not allowed to use the word vagina My cornbread is a shell. I learned this from a woman who runs a cornbread workshop A woman who really believes in corn breads who really sees corn bread She asked us to draw a picture of our corn breads my cornbread is a bison burger and mine is a spider with devil's skin and Two eyes on and two eyes missing.
Where did they go? I? Don't know the woman who ran the cornbread workshop told us to find our clitorises. Hey now that is definitely not allowed I thought we just couldn't say vagina be it be my clitoris be my clitoris My pussy is angry like a dog in a junkyard who hasn't eaten all morning cuz the cats got to it first You said we were allowed To sign up for me text me Okay, that was spirited Let's let let's let's bring up the stinky boys again girls. Come on up again. Okay, great You |
cracked | 7_presidents_that_belong_in_the_wwe_hall_of_fame | In our most recent presidential election, instead of the first woman, we elected the 44th upper-class white man as president. But surprisingly, there is still a historic first with his election. And no, I'm not gonna take a cheap shot and say he's the first orange hate goblin or the first demon from a half-completed summoning ritual involving a pig scrotum and gorilla bile, or even the first 10 pounds of sentient dog shit stuffed in a five-pound bag elected president. No, I'm going to say something indisputably factual. Donald J. Trump is the very first WWE Hall of Famer to be elected president. Vince and I have had an amazing relationship.
Hi, I'm Christian Ramirez, and I know more about professional wrestling than I do about the financing plan that I'm using to pay off my car. Is that problematic for me? Probably. So let's make a silly internet video so I can pay off the principal APR or something. Finances!
In 2013, Donald Trump was inducted into the celebrity wing of the WWE Hall of Famer. And as with most celebrity inductees, he was probably the weak link of the class. The other inductees were Trish Stratus, maybe the greatest female wrestler of the modern era, Bob Backlund, one of the longest reigning champions of the era immediately preceding Hulkamania, Booker T, one of the greatest wrestlers of the Monday Night Wars with the individual and tag team championships to prove it, Mick Foley, the king of the death match in Japan, and the hardcore legend that helped the WWE beat the WCW in the Monday Night Wars, and finally Bruno Sammartino, a wrestler whose combined world title reigns total over 11 years, one being eight years long. Next to these, Trump's wrestling accomplishments of posting two of the worst Wrestlemanias and helping shave Vince McMahon's head are unimpressive to put it lightly. Look, I may not be the resident presidential expert, but even I can see that there are at least a few presidents whose talents could have been applied to the squared circle. So here's seven. People can be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame as individuals or as groups, and that's further broken down with wrestlers and managers as individuals and tag teams and staples as groups.
My first pick would definitely be a manager on the level of Paul Heyman, Classy Freddy Blassie, or Jimmy Hart. I'm talking about the Sphinx, the boss, the squire of Hyde Park himself, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. FDR was the longest serving president of the United States being elected to the office for four consecutive terms. He was a great speaker and organizer and leader, all great qualities for a wrestling manager. Imagine him going head to head with Eric Bischoff in the NWO. Mr. Bischoff, you and your thugs in the New World Order have terrorized the WCW for long enough, so I've got a new deal for you and every WCW fanatic out there. The New Deal Coalition.
Oh my God, it's Sting. It's Sting DDP, the giant Alex Lugar. What are they doing here?
I would pay money to see that. Lots of money. And I'm sure with his ability to reach out to the common people and labor unions, he would be a great hero or babyface manager to go up against the Vincicmans, the Bobby Heenans, or the Ted DiBiaseis of any era. Herbert, the great engineer Hoover, would be the perfect villain or heel to rival FDR. He was a self-made millionaire from his investments in mining around the world and is even quoted as saying, if a man has not made a million dollars by the time he is 40, he is not worth much. Holy shit. I'm pretty sure either Ted DiBiase or JBL, both actual millionaire heel characters, probably used that line in a promo. And like DiBiase and JBL, Hoover wouldn't just talk trash, he'd get in the ring.
As Dan Bossman O'Brien has mentioned before, to stay in shape, Hoover played a sport called Hoover Ball, which is essentially volleyball played with a goddamn medicine ball. Finally, his finishing move would obviously be a submission called the Hoover Dam, which would probably be similar to the walls of Jericho. By God, he's got him in the Hoover Dam. He'll break his back.
Business has just powered up. These three, Andrew Old Hickory Jackson, James Young Hickory Polk, and Martin Van Ruin, dominated the presidency for 16 years between them in the mid 1800s. So much so that their policies and style of governance has become known as Jacksonian democracy.
So they'd definitely be able to do the same thing with wrestling, much like the stable of D-Generation X and their influence on the Attitude Era. DX was the most popular stable at the time in the WWF. And if you're my age, you remember them constantly telling everybody to suck it. The leader of this stable would clearly be Jackson.
And if you could get him to not kill his opponents, he'd make a terrifying heel. He got the nickname Old Hickory, not because of his dick. Although, side note, those Hickory nicknames would definitely also be used for dick-joking wrestling. But because of the Hickory Kane, he carried around to use to beat people. Much like the also terrifying Triple H, a founding member of DX, who instead of a Kane, or a Kane, uses a sledgehammer. And sometimes Kane. He was part of DX for a minute, and was recently one of Trips's henchmen as corporate Kane. Back on track, while DX's policies of telling people to suck it if they're not down with them are more fun than the Jacksonian policies that led to the Trail of Tears and the expansion of slavery into Texas, you can definitely see the three presidents beating the crap out of people with sticks. And hell, a finishing move called Manifest Destiny is at least as good as the Pedigree.
Look, this is an internet video about presidents, so we knew this was coming. But really, Teddy, the lion, the bull moose, the Rough Rider Roosevelt, is perfect. A macho bastard of a man who was a sickly child born to rich parents, his exploits read like a guide to 19th century masculinity. He was a great orator, and the toughest SOB on the campaign trail.
He could easily have led a stable called the Rough Riders because, come on, that's too easy, into the hall of fame. Or be inducted as an individual, because here's the kicker, he actually enjoyed judo, boxing, and wrestling. So much so, that when he was governor of New York, he bought a wrestling mat for the Governor's Mansion and trained with the American Middleweight Wrestling Champion, for fun. So yes, I could definitely see him pulling a Ric Flair and being inducted as both a part of a group and individually. Because remember Dusty Rhodes, when you come to my house at Medicine Square Garden, it's gonna take more than a bionic elbow to stop a bull moose, but when I hit the trust buster, it's gonna be one, two, three.
Whoo! Abraham, Honest Abe, the Ancient One, the great emancipator Lincoln, is already in the National Wrestling Hall of Fame. This is true. Feel free to go look it up. I'll wait. Holy, right? For those of you who didn't look, here are a couple of the highlights. Standing at six foot four, Lincoln is obviously already impressive.
And over a span of 12 years, which included 300 matches, he lost once, once. That is a better record than any wrestler I can think of. That is a 99.6 win percentage. When he was 19, he defended his brother's river barge from thugs by picking them up and throwing them overboard.
He once challenged a crowd after winning a match by saying, and this is real, I'm the big buck of this, Lick. And if any of you wanna try it, come on and wet your horns. Oh my God. That is better wrestling trash talk than half of the guys in WWE right now. I started writing this as a joke, and now I legitimately want President Lincoln in the WWE Hall of Fame. Ball's in your court, WWE, or ring.
Oh, and one of his nicknames was the rail splitter. So that would obviously be the name of his finishing move. And speaking of nicknames. While researching this, I stumbled upon a list of President's nicknames, so here are the ones that would fit best in wrestling in a lightning round.
Or in this case, a WCW Thunder Round. Yeah, that is a dumb joke for me and like five viewers. Thunder Round!
Thanks for watching. This has been Everything is Wrestling, and I really need somebody to explain credit to me using professional wrestling's attitude error. Like, is Paul Bear like a mortgage guy? Thank you for watching, please like and subscribe.
You know, why don't you tell me what other presidents should be in the WWE Hall of Fame? Like, which ones are which wrestlers? But look, don't you dare tell me that Diamond Dallas Page is any of them, because he's a hero.
He saved Jake the snake's life. |
CrackerMilk | when_she_s_into_plastic_crack | Hey man, um, we're just here to pick up the stuff like I said I was gonna. Who's that?
Oh yeah, this is my new girlfriend. She said she wanted to try it out. She's a woman. Yeah, yeah, she is a girl. You think she's got what it takes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think she'll have fun.
Alright, come on, quick. It smells funny in here. They all smell funny. The fuck is what? Oh well, I mean it's her first time so maybe something simple? Alright. I can help you out there.
It's still just a bit expensive. Do you have anything cheaper? You a cop? What? No. Alright, since you asked, we do have another range available. But you can't tell anyone.
We sell them. We've got STLs, we've got 3D prints. We've even got recasts if you want the original models.
Super cheap. I'll give them to you 50% off. How's that? That's so cheap. Yeah, I reckon. They're so fucking cheap. Well, I think I'll take... Your life.
Oh fuck, you're a cop? You lied to me! No, I swear I didn't know. I'm not a cop.
Oh, thank god. I work for Games Workshop. Oh, fuck! Oh, that made me laugh like a little schoolgirl. Oh man, you know what?
We've got some bonus skits over on our Patreon. They're too rude to put over here on YouTube.
So you can come check them out. Take off! Come on! The stuff, like I said I was gonna. Who's that?
Oh yeah, this is my new girlfriend. She said she wanted to try it out. She's a woman. Yeah, she is a girl. You think she's got what it takes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she'll have fun.
Alright, come on. Quick. It smells funny in here. They all smell funny. The fuck he's want. Oh well, I mean it's her first time so maybe something simple. Alright. I can help you out there.
It's still just a bit expensive. Do you have anything cheaper? You a cop? What? No. Alright, since you asked we do have another range available. But you can't tell anyone.
We sell them. We've got STLs, we've got 3D prints. We've even got recasts if you want the original models.
Super cheap. I'll give them to you 50% off. How's that? That's so cheap. Yeah, I reckon. They're so fucking cheap. Well, I think I'll take... Your life.
Oh fuck, you're a cop? You lied to me! No, I swear I didn't know. I'm not a cop.
Oh, thank god. I work for Games Workshop. Oh, oh fuck! Oh, that made me laugh like a little schoolgirl. Oh man, you know what?
We've got some bonus skits over on our Patreon. They're too rude to put over here on YouTube so you can come check them out. Come on! |
dropout | starcraft_roommates | You are a lifesaver, protest. Astrophysics is, like, Greek to me. Hey, no problem. Happy I could help.
Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Oh, yeah, no, I mean, it's cool.
It's just that when we talked, I thought we agreed to consider decorating with non-glue options. You know, energy pylons, or a nice IKEA rug.
Look, I needed to live, so... Yeah, about that. Do you have, like, a doctor's note or something? Is that a weird thing to ask for? Yeah, right here. Do you guys have any water or anything? I'm actually pretty thirsty. Hey, Z? I don't need to be a jerk. I have, like, six containers of gas in here.
Did you take them? Sorry, bro. Don't know anything about that. You sure you're not using them to, say, grow or build anything? Oh, these? Uh, just spawning some bros, dude.
Uh, big zerg rush coming up. Want to make sure we're ready, you know? Any overnight guests really need to be checked in with security. Don't freak. I'm sure they'll hatch any second.
See? Problem solved. Uh, we're gonna chug a few brewskis, and then we'll get out of your hair. Yeah, that's fine, but you haven't really cleaned up the carapaces from last time you had a party.
He's just so insensitive, Bear Bear. I can't stand it.
Oh, I'm sure he's just intimidated by how smart and handsome you are. Oh, you always know what to say. What the fuck is outside my window? Oh, sorry, man. That's my buddy Steve the Overlord. He's just scouting. Don't worry about him. Just do your thing. He really freaked out my girlfriend! Oh, look.
Let me apologize to her personally, alright? All better. You were there a long time. Yeah, we had a really good talk. I totally set her straight.
Ah, she looks a little strange. Did you do something to her? What?
All hail the Overmind. Oh, come on! You infested her! You bastard!
Uh, she seems totally normal to me.
The call is a lie. Glory to the Zerg.
Okay, fine, dude. I'm sorry. That's what I do. I'm so sorry for being myself. I think we need to re-evaluate our roommate agreement. Don't burrow when I'm talking to you. That's it.
I'm getting the RA. I'm going to register a formoke! Battle for the Queen of Blades! Glory and power to the Overmind! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_flaco_the_owl_s_widow_on_her_husband_s_death_and_autopsy_snl | And in other animal news, after Flaco, the famous New York City owl, flew into a building and died, an autopsy revealed that he had dangerous amounts of rat poison in his system as well as a severe case of pigeon herpes. Here with her reaction to this news is Flaco's widow.
I wish I could be here under better circumstances. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is the only circumstance you would be here under.
So why don't you tell me about your late husband? who? your late husband, Flaco. Oh, sorry. I thought I saw a mouse.
Hoo Hoo. Hoo hoo. Okay. all right.
Well, what do you think about Flaco's autopsy revealing that he had a severe case of pigeon herpes? Oh, hey. thanks for bringing that up, Colin. it's what every widow wants to hear. your dead husband had severe herpes. And by the way, why was there even an autopsy when a bird basically explodes into the side of a building? Who's like, how did he die? Well, I don't know. some people think that autopsies can help bring a sense of closure. Yeah, but the phrase pigeon herpes kind of raises more questions than answers, Colin. questions like, is that what my bumps are? Okay. and how did he get pigeon herpes? The only pigeon we knew was our sexy nanny.
And why is the media always tearing great men down? You know, it's always Fdr had a mistress or Mlk had a mistress. or Colin Jost had an underage mistress. or Flaco went blind from severe herpes.
Wait, what? Hoo hoo. hoo hoo hoo. no dummy, Okay. Flaco banged anything with a pair of wings. I mean, eagles, parrots, flying squirrels. I once caught him dipping tip in a frozen turkey. I bet he's up in heaven right now putting it down at one of those angels. But you know how it is, Colin. you know how it is when you're married to a big time celebrity, they get to have sex with whoever they want and there's nothing we can do about it, right, brother? Bems the rules. But why did it have to be pigeons, Colin? it's humiliating. there are a bunch of chrome pecking skinks. But hey, I get it. their neck game is insane. Okay. hoo hoo hoo. yeah.
I'm really sorry. I know this must be tough for you. Ew, Colin, are you coming on to me? No, I'm not. You know, my husband just died, right? Okay, I'm sorry. Although, you are my type. Oh, really? what type is that? nocturnal predator. Flaco's widow, everyone. we can help you out, Colin Jones. I'm Michael Che. Good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_kate_mckinnon_on_florida_s_don_t_say_gay_bill_snl | Well, this week, Florida's controversial don't Say Gay bill passed its final State Senate committee. here to comment is Kate Mckinnon. Hi, Kate Fann. thank you for being here.
Well, yeah, I'm sorry to barge in here like at a costume.
I just, I heard about this law, and I think it's amazing. Oh, you do? yeah, because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was some. I was kind of, like, tortured by the constant use of the word gay, like, you know, that's so gay. or, ew, you're gay. it just, it made me feel horrible. And to hear that Ron Desantis has taken a stand and said, no, you cannot say gay. it's cool anymore. I'm just like, I'm so jazzed. and in Florida, of all places, I mean. yeah, yeah. So actually, I feel like there's been a misunderstanding. the law actually means that you can't acknowledge that gay exists at all. wait, what? yeah, yeah, like, teachers can't speak about gay people in history, or if a kid has a gay family member. wait, what? yeah, and if a kid, you know, confides that they're gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents.
Oh, what? yeah, I'm sorry to break this to you. I probably is affecting what you were gonna say. I know, yeah, okay, well, that's okay. No, I'll say something. it's just that thing of like when they say don't say gay, you know, then it's like stuck in your head, but it's fine, I can do it.
Okay, anyway, I am deeply gay. sorry, concerned, deeply concerned. it just feels like this is gonna make kids gay and trans. sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just, I think these laws are lesbians. sorry, unconscionable, unconscionable. Yeah, I think you ended up saying gay a couple times. right, you know, I'm trying to make sense of all this. like, does this don't say gay law have a purpose?
Well, I think I guess it's so kids aren't going home with questions that parents don't want to answer. I don't know what the idea is. So like one kid can say, I live with my parents, but another one has to say, I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young. that's good, that'll be way, they'll be less confused. Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.
Oh, look, Colin, if the 90s were right and gay means bad, then this is the gayest law I have ever seen. You might as well sing it. Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay.
Hey, I'm a kid, everyone. Yay! |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_and_martin_short_monologue_snl | Steve, how many times have you hosted? Oh gosh, I haven't really thought about it. Hit It! And how many times have you hosted, Marty? Hit It!
I'm kind of in a nostalgia mode. I want to show you one of my favorite photos from my early hosting years. that is me with John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd and Mick Jagger.
And, right after this photo was taken, we tested positive for everything. you know, Steve, we are like Harry and Meghan. no one's rooting for us, but you'll tune in to watch anyway. And what's been so fabulous this week is getting to know the new cast. And Steve, honestly, I tell you, they love you. really? behind your back, the new cast refer to you as a whole entertainer.
Oh, that's sweet. well, I added the word entertainer. I have to say that for me, working with Marty Short is like World Cup Soccer. somehow, I just can't get into it. we are currently working on the third season of our Hulu series, Only Murders in the Building. our show is like Steve at the Urinal. it streams for 32 minutes. Now, you know, this is kind of interesting. every night before the show, Marty and I have a ritual we do to prepare for the evening's performance, And we were doing it backstage, and I noticed that one of the backstage crew was videotaping us, and I thought, you know what? that would be interesting to show the audience. So here is Marty and I getting ready for tonight's show. And can I say, Steve? let him laugh. can I say truthfully that I adore working with you, and I just, I hope we can do this forever.
Well, of course, I thought about that, but I realized, you know, you're not going to live forever. And that is sad, because you won't be able to hear the wonderful things I'm going to say at your memorial. So I thought, why wait?
So what I did was I wrote up your eulogy so you can hear it now. that is such a coincidence, because you know what? I did the same thing I wrote your eulogy. really? Yes. well, let's read them together, shall we?
Why not? could we have some, this is a sad moment, so could you play something sad for us, please? No, no, no, no, not sad enough. anything sadder. No, no, no. do you have something really, really sad?
So, Marty, I dedicate this eulogy to you. Wow, not much of a turnout. Marty did not want to be cremated. too late. always be haunted by Marty's last words, Tesla Autopilot Engaged. there are so many great things that I could say about Steve Martin. but this hardly seems the time nor the place. Oh, Steve, you bland, overrated, white-haired son of a bitch. where'd you go?
I know Steve is looking down on us right now because he always looked down on everybody. And yes, I learned so much from Steve. for example, he taught me that you don't need to restrict a urinal to just number one.
Even at the end, Marty had a wonderful girlfriend, smart, beautiful, and so realistic. But Marty was always sexually active. as long as there were batteries in the house. But Marty was taken away from us too soon.
But sadly, not before he played Jack Frost in Santa Claus Iii.
Oh, Steve! Oh, Steve, it's so hard to look at you in that open casket. motionless, colorless, stiff, so lifelike. And yet, seeing you in your casket reminds me of that classic Snl sketch, Dick in a Box. this is, with Steve gone, downloads should be so much faster on pornhub. people always ask me what Steve was really like, and I'd say, i don't know, you're his wife. And he was such a great dad. And you could tell that from his children, they're so polite. you'd go to his house and say, they'd say, would you like anything, Mr. Short? could I get you a drink, Mr. Short? can you give this note to the police, Mr. Short? now that Marty's gone, who will I ever work with? What about me? |
TheOnion | How_To_Talk_To_A_Family_Member_About_Politics_And_That_Their_Jewelry_Business_Is_A_Pyramid_Scheme | People often avoid bringing up touchy subjects with family in order to keep the peace, but believe it or not, there actually are ways to talk productively with a family member about politics and also the fact that their new jewelry business is a pyramid scheme. First, stick to the facts. Rely on numbers and figures to explain how wealth inequality really works and to show that money always flows upwards in a pyramid scheme and that this will never ever change no matter how many people your aunt recruits to sell her gemstone bracelets. Second, use examples. Cite real people who've been affected by immigration policy or who've lost their life savings peddling these cheap fucking knickknacks like Mrs. McIntyre down the street.
She's got nothing, nothing.
Finally, don't take the bait. Your family may try to turn a calm conversation into an emotionally charged argument or last ditch sales pitch. Shut it down. Kindly but firmly reminding them that just because you liked your aunt's Facebook page does not mean you're willing to sacrifice $3,000 just to get in on the ground floor. And remember, you have to be willing to give a little even if that means ceding a relative's point on healthcare or nodding along as your aunt explains that the bracelets are made by women in Zambia even when you know that's total bullshit.
For The Onion, I'm Eliza Hayes. |
ClickHole | these_women_were_at_the_beatles_first_performance_in_america_and_their_stories_are_amazing | Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles! Yes! Close your eyes, and bow this way. I saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show when I was 16 years old, and it was the most wonderful day of my life. There was an electric feeling in the air. It was just a tremendous rush. And when they came on stage with those dazzling smiles and that incredible music, I just started to scream. The curtains went up, and the Beatles were standing there on stage. I couldn't believe my eyes.
There was John, Paul, George, and Ringo, and I just started screaming. They were all there. John, Paul, Ringo, George. Ringo was there. Paul, George, Ringo. John, Ringo. Ringo and Paul and George and John. Paul. John was there. And George.
I mean, oh my God. Paul stepped up to the microphone, and suddenly the music stopped. Paul said, now there will be European lasso tricks with my fabulous length of rope. And Paul took a small length of rope out of his pocket and started swinging it over his head. He slapped the rope on the ground, and he held the rope up over his head. Those were the two tricks.
Paul was gorgeous, and I whispered, Paul is gorgeous. And Paul heard me whisper it, and he got shy and played the rest of the show standing behind a fern. When the Beatles were finished playing their song, the God of the Beatles came onto the stage so Ed Sullivan could interview him. The God of the Beatles told Ed that he was very proud of the Beatles, and he was going to reward them by letting them take their shirts off behind the mall. After the show, I snuck backstage and got into the Beatles dressing room, and Paul whispered to me, I have something for you. And he gently took my hand, and he dipped it in a bucket of soapy water, and I never took it out.
I still think about that day every time I listen to the Beatles on the radio, which is not very often because I think they make the donkey's music. It's music by and for mules and other nasty animals.
I do not like it at all. Big, huge, major swoon for sure. Of course, for me personally, it's obvious.
I love my bucket from Paul. Fish live in the bucket, and the fish are dead. And I look at the fish, and dogs follow me because they smell the fish in the bucket.
It's something I'll cherish forever. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_18_09_20 | Been a good week.
You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and how about those case numbers? We've got below 30 in Melbourne over the week, which is pretty close to the highest number that New South Wales has had. So things are looking good there, but they're still in lockdown for four more weeks because Dictator Dan is a control freak and egotistical maniac who wants to ruin his own economy for the fun of it. Today I'm joined by editor-at-large, Errol Parker.
How are you, Errol? Good, mate. How are you going?
I'm not too bad. Not too bad.
As I said, it's been a good week numbers-wise. 124 days up here in the Channel Country. 124 days without any community transmission or any baby boomers coming back from an irresponsible cruise trip to New Zealand. Nope. Basically, grey nomads coming up from the southern states. It's been good here.
Still no toilet seats, though? No toilet seats. They haven't been replaced yet.
But it is good. You can go to a servo without having to endure a 40-minute conversation with a man who hasn't spoken to anyone except his wife for three days. Really enjoying refreshing change around here when I head into the local garage or servos. How are you going, Wendell? Very well, thank you.
Shall we get into the news? Let's get into it.
Righto, we'll start off with some national news, and the Prime Minister continues to criticise every state government except the one threatening to blow itself up. Yes, the Prime Minister has told reporters that he's had a gutful of state premiers putting themselves before the national economy, but not the New South Wales government for some weird reason, who over the last week did their best to cause unprecedented chaos to their own sense of stability. Yes, and a few commentators have said it might be something to do with the fact there's a liberal national government down there in New South Wales. Unlike Queensland and Victoria, for example, where he's been going hard on the political war path.
Not sure what his game plan is. He hasn't done it with the type of panache that you see Barnaby Joyce doing it with. At least with Barnaby, you know that he's sure of himself, you know. He goes into these things and he knows he's going to come out the other side clean. He knows he's going to be able to blow it up successfully.
Barilaro got put back in his box, back in his cage, and he won't be coming out of that until Gladys rattles it again. He did keep us entertained for a few days, though.
And speaking about Barnaby Joyce, we've got a story on him here. He's also blamed the Australian greens for those record-breaking wildfires in California this week. Yeah, what do you think would happen if Barnaby didn't see his name in the news for a couple of weeks, Wendell? I reckon he'd say something like this to try and get his name in there. He craves a headline, doesn't he, Barnaby?
Yeah, yeah, he does, he does. That's how he goes, and that's how he will continue to go until he gets the role of Deputy Prime Minister back off the charisma vacuum. That is Michael McCormack. Good on him for trying to get on the front foot in regards to the summer ahead, though, which experts are saying could be scarily similar to what's happening in California last year and what happened in Australia over December, January. Hopefully he can admit that climate change actually exists.
We'll move down to Victoria for our next story now, and a man with an insatiable desire to bash the mentally ill finds his calling in the Victoria Police. They stirred a few people up this week. Yeah, they stirred a few people up this story. It does come after the most recent footage of Victorian cops bashing another mentally ill person, something which an angry Victorian man says has driven him to apply for a job with the Victorian coppers. Yeah, the failed AFL recruit, Eric Bacon, said to us, and I quote, I guess I just thought my desires to assault and blind mentally ill people was something that I shouldn't share with the world, but it's great to know there is a community out there that not only supports people like me, but encourages this type of behavior. So I'm applying to become a Victorian police officer.
Just don't steal any property because that will land you in jail. As we saw with a female police officer this week, and there was a comment on that story from Jacob Erigul who said, wait until he hears what their New South Wales counterparts get paid to do come festival season up north. Dang.
And a nice story now from Adelaide, the airport has been overcome with fanfare as all of the Canberra tourists arrive in a Cessna 152. Yeah, I just love this story because as of Thursday, ACT residents were able to fly into South Australia without needing to isolate themselves for 14 days when they arrived. And as a result, there was absolute scenes when the light aircraft from the bush capital touched down in the free settlement. Yes, we are back baby, said Premier Stephen Marshall as the seven tourists arrived in the city of churches ahead of a big weekend of doing whatever it is you do in Adelaide.
Guess you just walk down Rundle Mall, listen to some hip hop and cram some people into barrels and cover them in lime. Bit like that, bit like that. Righto, speaking of cramming people into barrels, we'll wrap up with a local news story.
And a committed metal head wears cannibal corpse long sleeve to first casual Friday at New Office Job. Yeah, look, I'm not too familiar with this genre of music, I'm more of a rockabilly cowpunk kind of guy, but apparently these cannibal corpse types are a pretty full on band. Yeah, I believe so. It's one of those death metal setups, I think. And this local bloke, Jay Degura, said he decided to send the feelers out and see if any of the normies he works with would get around some proper music. As it turns out, they don't. And he actually scared the receptionist. When he decided to play one of the cannibal corpse songs, followed by one of the songs he wrote for his kung fu garage core band.
Let the party set the floor, let the party set the floor, let the party set the floor, let the party set the floor. Track.
Sounds like you are a little bit partial to that genre of music, Carol. Yeah, look. I'm sorry. He discovered cannibal corpse when... I'm just taking the piss, I'm sorry. Discovered cannibal corpse, I believe, when the cat empire covered them for like a version on triple j, which kind of wheeled into that rockabilly cowpunk scene.
There you go. On that musical note, I think we'll wrap it up for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Always a pleasure to have you here and we'll be back again at the same time next week to bring you all of the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper. Until then, see ya. Hooroo, hooroo. Goodbye.
Free John Monaghan. So I had to send the feelers out and see if any of the normies he works with would get around some proper music. As it turns out, they don't. And he actually scared the receptionist.
When he decided to play one of the cannibal corpse songs, followed by one of the songs he wrote for his kung fu garage core band. Let the party set the floor, let the party set the floor, let the party set the floor, let the party set the... Track.
Sounds like you are a little bit partial to that genre of music, Carol. Yeah, look. I'm sorry. He discovered cannibal corpse when... Yeah, I'm just taking the piss, I'm sorry. Discovered cannibal corpse, I believe, when the cat empire covered them for like a version on triple J, which kind of wheeled into that rockabilly cowpunk scene.
There you go. On that musical note, I think we'll wrap it up for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Always a pleasure to have you here and we'll be back again at the same time next week to bring you all of the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper. Until then, see ya. Hooroo, hooroo. Goodbye.
Free John Monaghan. |
dropout | what_is_the_worst_way_to_find_out_you_were_cheated_on | Today's question is what is the worst way to find out you were cheated on. Today I am joined by Nathan Yaffe. Hi, I'm Nathan and I'm ready to have my heart broken.
Michael Trapp. Hi, I'm Mike Trapp and I've got some answers here.
My first answer is you, but as a clone. You come home, you find your partner in the throes of romantic passion, but then the person engaging your partner is you. It's just another version of you. You find out in this instance, not only have you been cheated on, but you've been cheated on with a clone version of you because your entire life has been a lie and you were part of an illegal human cloning trial experiment. So this clone has assumed your identity fully and your kids call them dad. This is like the most extreme version of that, like you versus the guy, she tells you not to worry about me. It's like, oh, you are, you're very attractive to me. Everything that you look like is great, but your personality is so shit. I found this other clone who looks just like you. Caldwell type B enjoys rock cloning. I love the idea of a cloning service where they implant just one personality quirk into each clone.
Absolutely. Oh, they just love cereal.
This one's Birdwell. Little Bird got in the mix that time. That's the one that was cheating on my wife, sorry, Caldwell, I'm running away with Birdwell.
It's also just hard because you find out that clones of you exist. What's to say you're not a clone? You are a clone. Oh, okay. That's the thing. You're also a clone? I guess, yeah, maybe I would be the original in this instance. I feel like you could be the original. You probably thought you were, but now who's to say? There you go. Is it your partner who's cloning you?
That's an extra wrinkle that I like a lot. I love a scenario where the fact that you are being cheated on isn't even the worst thing about it. Sure.
Yeah, it's a double to triple whammy, which I didn't enjoy. You've got to just bitch to tragedy, it's like also someone's cheating on you. This would be a crazy thing to happen, and then someone's cheating too. Yeah, I feel like you wouldn't care about being cheated on maybe at that point. Well, I think it's definitely not going to help. Yeah, it's not nice. This presupposes that it's worse for your partner to cheat on someone who's very similar to you versus if you're part of cheating on someone who is wildly different.
Because one is the implication that's like, oh, I almost got it. I was almost right.
And the other is like, she was never happy. I feel trapped in the process. Stop telling me.
My suggestion for the worst way to find out you've been cheated on is via screen saver. You know how there are some screen savers, like Apple TVs and things like that, where when you take photos just like throughout the day, throughout your life, you're taking photos and then you have the built-in like, oh, your photos of your life, this will naturally fill the screen. If you're just like home one day, you've finished watching some TV show and it's gone to screen saver and you're just kind of puttering in the house and then like pictures start filtering up. It's like, oh, there's that meal I had, oh, there's that fun time with friends. And then you just see like a picture of your partner and some other dude just like drifting up from the bottom of the screen.
Like, wait, whoa, what is that one? Back it up a second. Now, that's very good.
But is it better or worse if it's one of those old-timey screen savers and it's just like rotating 3D text that says, your wife fucked Marshall. I was imagining the one where it's the maze, the brick maze, and you get to the middle and it is just a photograph of your wife having sex with someone else. It's like that big smiley face that flips everything upside down, it's just like a picture of your wife with some other man, it's like, no, wait, what? Also I do like the idea of the slow burn with the pictures where it's pictures of you with your friends hanging out and there's just one of your friends is close to your girlfriend and you just see them like laughing together, like arm around each other, just like more and more apparent what's going on. Every like fourth one too is just like another random one, it's like the built-in bear catching a salmon photo.
I was like, no, no, no, I need to know what happened to her, Marshall. At that point, it's also bad because it seems like your significant other didn't care much to hide this from you.
You know, if you're taking pictures and then posting that, like that's, you should know not to if you're cheating. You don't even have to like actively upload that for a lot of these screensavers, it's just like, yeah, if you took it, it's in the cloud and we'll just put all your cloud photos on this thing. There's a picture of me on yours in my weird... They're token photos.
Laura, don't watch this.
Your answers were really good, but I think that the worst way to find out your significant other has been cheating on you, middle school play. You've been dating the drama teacher at the local middle school, they invite you to come see the production that they've put on. You haven't been to a school play in a while, but yes. Thank you. Called about, we normally just let people talk, but go ahead. Which production? Exactly. It's a production called Infidelity and they're very excited to show you, it's an original piece that they wrote, so you're excited to see your significant other's writing as well as the production they put on. Costumes are great, the young precocious child actors are doing a great job, but it slowly becomes apparent that it's a play based on your life, which is embarrassing enough. And then over the course of the play, it also becomes apparent that it is about an affair that your significant other is having behind your back. And it's actually a really good production, is the thing. So it's going to be written up in the local paper. Is this entire play geared to be a confession? They thought this would be the best way to let you know. They probably just weren't happy in the relationship. Your character in the play is kind of not a great guy, but it's also, you feel a fair representation of the way you behave. So they're not hamming it up. Yeah, it's sort of a revelation about your relationship in general, being told to you by these prepubescent children. You're depicted as like a Tennessee Williams style oaf, he's just like a wife beater, like stains on your shirt, and you're like, God dammit, go, go rehearse your little play and I'll stay here, watch the game. You watch this play and you're like, oh, there's some real points of polish that I need to work on within myself. Oh, maybe.
I've never been cheated on, but I assume after any stretch. Oh, never been cheated on, look at this guy.
I'm bragging. Must be nice. I would assume after any such revelation, there's a bit of soul searching that needs to take place. It's just any time you're imagining yourself, it's this child version of you. Do they have painted on beard?
Yeah, yeah. If it's me. Yes. It's me.
My first idea for the worst way to find out you were cheated on is with an STD. It's called STIs though.
Are they really? Yeah, I think so. Can we change this? This is something that actually happened. It's a personal story. Not about me. No. Yeah. But about someone.
Revealing someone else's STD story. Anyway, chlamydia.
Okay. We all know it, we all love it.
Someone that I know had a husband and they were married for a long time. She was with one person, so she was just like, I don't need to see a gynecologist.
First mistake.
Exactly. And so, ten years into... The way this story is going, sounds like the first mistake might be the husband. Ten years later, she starts getting the symptoms. I don't need to say them, you can look it up.
And then she goes to the doctor's and is diagnosed with chlamydia. By the time that it was found, she had to have surgery to help get rid of it. And also, you discover that the person you were with, who you were so faithful to, is a big cheater.
Talk about a bad way to find this out. Hey, you guys are like silly what ifs. Yeah, I do tend to take the fun out of things. Well, it would be a truly awful... It's terrible. Yeah.
And it really happened to someone. It probably happened to a lot of people. It's probably happened to so many people. But it's also really bad because you have an increased risk of cancer then. Especially if your STI is there for a long time. So this man really screwed her over.
Yeah, just goes to show you shouldn't trust the person you're with, go to a gynecologist. Exactly. Also, just go to a gynecologist. Just go to a gynecologist.
That's it for this preview of The Rank Room. To see the second round of gameplay and to get the official rankings, go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
If you don't, I am going to break out. I'm already on the edge here, okay? That's going to push me so much over.
Wait, do you want a taste of this? Hey! For me, as someone who wants to always be a smarty, I would have a very difficult time figuring out that I was a dummy. |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_indictment_cold_open_snl | And now, a message from former President Trump.
Oh, thank you. it's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me.
Well, folks, it happened. I got indicted, or, as I spell it, indicated. And, frankly, it's time that I come clean, admit that I broke the law, and go quietly to prison.
April Fools! That was a prank. I was doing a gym from office.
But make no mistake, what the radical-led democrats are doing to me is worse than any crime I've ever committed, And I've committed a Lot. close to 34. Someone's saying I'm going to use this indictment to rile up my base so that they give me more money. Not true. not true. I don't want anything from my base except their love, their votes, perhaps their money. And I need their money more than ever. Now, you may have seen, I've been opening my rallies with my wonderful song, Justice for All, which I performed with the J6 Choir. that's a very real thing. very disturbing. very disturbing. it was the number-one downloaded song, We Beat Flowers by Miley, which, as we all know, is about Liam. But my song raked in so much cash, I thought, why stop there? that's why I'm putting out my new album. Now, that's what I call my Legal Defense Fund, aka Trump Bops, and I'm bringing all the hits. boys and things that come by the dozen. that ain't nothing but drugstore lovin'. Hey, little thing, let me light your catechos. I ain't sure on the denim now. yes, I know. Wow. what a deal. just 30 classic covers, all horrible. some bite your favorite president to defend our movement, and mostly myself, from the evil Manhattan Da. that means District Attorney.
But I'm a fighter, And speaking of fighting and taking advantage of fighters, here's my friend, Don King. hey, everybody. is it Trevagedy? so funny, with the big hair, murdered a guy, can you believe it? Ireland's in the street. that is what we are. no one in between. How can we be wrong? we're not wrong. I've never been wrong. making love to each other. Aha! Don King, everybody. Speaking of love, me and the First lady, Melania, are in high spirits. since the news of my possible imprisonment, I've never seen Melania happier. she's the most beautiful woman in the world, second only perhaps to many younger, hotter women. but we like her. Also, just to send the record straight, I didn't even sleep with Stormy Daniels, but in many ways, I did.
And isn't it ironic that the first time I actually pay someone, they try to send me to jail? that's why you don't pay people, folks. you never pay people. Pretty ironic. it's like rain. are you any day? who would have thought it'd be you? And, folks, if they can come for me, they can come for you too. Or in the case of January 6th, they can come for you and not for me.
I like that one a little bit better. because I really don't want to go to jail, But when I think about how shredded I might get, it's awfully tempting. Can you imagine me pumping iron in the jail yard with the homies, getting real big on top, little on bottom, totally prison-yoked, looking like a candy apple. Perhaps I might even become receptive to the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, although I've never seen any pictures of him, kind of sus. uh-oh, who's this? why? it's a man who, like me, was illegally raided, and he's turning it into big bucks. Afro Man.
I was gonna go with a class, but then I got high. drugs are killing our children. I could've cheated and I could've passed, but then I got, frankly, high. real shame. I'm taking it next semester, and I know why. Why, man? hey, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. we need to be executing our drug dealers.
Thank you, Afro Man. folks, your hard-earned money is important. if I go to jail, I will need money for commissary snacks. I will need a supply of ramens to successfully barter with a large man named Lizard. And now, my most loyal supporter, I wish he'd go away.
He's Mike, Kendall Roy. it's Don Jr. Whoo! Wow, Dad, this is really emotional. it might be the last time I see you. from your mouth to God's ears. the boy's a liar. The boy's a liar. he doesn't see you. you're not looking at me, boy. Good enough. uh, uh, uh, good enough. uh, uh, uh, yeah, dad. very strange energy, my son. don't like it. he's saying that I'm good enough. grabbing my Drr. think about things that it shouldn't have done. right? we love ice Spice, don't we? ice spice. terrific here. beautiful here. Manhattan, I'll see you on Tuesday. we'll be wild. and live from New York, it's Saturday! thanks for watching! |
cracked | why_evolve_is_the_best_game_of_2015_at_causing_seizures_escort_mission | Hey man, do you want to turn it down? I was hoping to also occupy the apartment tonight, so... Oh, sorry, dad. My dad's actually super cool, so boo on you.
I'll grab my headphones, Obama. Thank you. Oh, god damn it, they got their force field up. No time for phones.
No, no, no, come on, dude. Shit, now they got the laser pooms on me. Damn it, man, you cannot take your eyes off this shit for a second. I feel like I can't look directly at it or I'll start seizing.
What is this game? Called Evolve. Futuristic hunting game pitting man against monster.
Which guy are you? I'm the monster, man. Obviously. Do I look like a human to you?
No. Okay, got away.
So, as the monster, it's my job to eat as many other lesser monsters as possible to power up my guy enough to evolve into my most advanced form before the hunters kill me. Oh, so it's the new Pokemon. This is Pokemon now, good graphics.
You reveal the basest ignorance in yourself, sir. No, it's more like a cross between Predator and Godzilla with your standard grab bag of the Marines from Aliens and a Borderlands 2 attitude. You lost me. Eat a monster. Trying.
See, I just use my sense of smell like so and it shows me where everything is. It's like an x-ray of the map. The green outlines are monsters I can eat. What are the red outlines?
Tough question. Some of them are birds, which you don't want to startle because they show the hunters where you are. This is in the future, right? With spaceships and force fields, but they're using old whaling tactics? Can't they just drone you from orbit? It's a convenient plot hole that allows this to be a game, so I'm fine with it. Also, they're hunters. They're in it for the sport.
It's seriously amazing to me that at any given moment all of these flashing lights are imparting information to you. What are those other red outlines? Those are bigger monsters that I can kill if I want a special buff, like 30% more damage or whatever. What about the red outline at the top?
That's my health, man. Standard health bar.
I know you played Mortal Kombat at least once. See, I thought that that was the blue outline on top of the red outline. No, that's my shield, which you'd know if you'd play Goldeneye or GTA or Halo. Red for blood, blue for shields. Pretty standard gaming convention at this point. I thought your shield was the blue wheel that pops up when you eat a monster. No, that's more like a cross between a health bar for the other monster and like a loading icon to tell me how long I need to eat the monster to get shield energy from it. Unless you're talking about the other blue wheel, because that one tells you how long you've got until you can evolve again, which is now...
Man, if you haven't been playing all the big games in the last 10 years, just looking at the screen can be pretty alienating. Yeah, a lot of new games kind of assume you played all the old ones.
But that's how innovation works, right? Things build on each other so everything gets more complex. It's like, you know what animals do. Darwin said chimps and became humans. That thing.
I just don't know how this game expects to attract anyone who's just now getting into gaming. Like, what the f*** is that semicircle in the middle of the screen? It's an every over-the-shoulder third-person game now.
Plus, every FPS ever, plus life. Life?
Yeah, I kind of see one all the time now. It helps you aim. Plus, in this game, it's also a stamina bar to tell you when you can jump. See, that's what I mean. There's like 50 icons to track. Complicated HUDs are a trend in gaming right now. More features means you need more numbers to keep track of all the things you can do.
Right, but guys like you can pick up a game like this and just figure it out. Honestly, after a couple hours, you'd figure it out. It's all common sense, really.
Oh, god damn it, their trap jaw found me. See, now I gotta kill the assault hunter before he uses his lightning gun to sap my shields. What does any of that mean? F***. Val healed Maggie so the force field's still up. And now she hit me with a trink dart. Why is everybody on the first name basis in this game? Ah, s***!
I think Hank's gonna use orbital barrage. They're gonna drone me from space.
You said they wouldn't do that! What's happening? I don't know! Oh no!
Alright, give me a second. 10 seconds, dude. I swear I'm right with you. Hang in there, man. Okay, I died.
It's fine. I can only comment on what you think my new title should be. Nice things, preferably. You can go lowbrow though. I don't mind. |
TheOnion | Economists_Warn_Anti_Bush_Product_Market_Close_To_Collapse | Some economists warn we could be facing a financial crisis even bigger than the mortgage fallout. The collapse of the anti-bush merchandise economy. According to the Commerce Department figures, almost a third of the US GDP last year came from the sale of items like buckfish t-shirts and Bushism of the day calendars. Joining us now from the Onion News Network's Money Room is our economics expert, Joshua Russell. What's the situation here, Joshua? Well, Pamela, for the past eight years, anti-bush merchandise has been the most stable sector of our economy. But some analysts are predicting that the moment Bush leaves office, demand for somewhere in Texas, a village is missing its idiot products, is going to evaporate and the American economy is going to take a major hit.
No one wants a Bush is not my president t-shirt if it's literally true. That's right. Last quarter, major anti-bush industry player Cafe Press derived 54% of its revenue from anti-bush t-shirts and baby bibs.
54%.
And companies like these, believe me, there are thousands of them, will all go under. There are whole towns built up around Bush with Hitler mustache keychain factories and those communities will be devastated. So unemployment will rise. Oh, across the board, Pamela. Everyone from the design firms who create smush bush stress balls to the legions of truckers who haul them across the country to Spencer's gift cashiers who sell them. Unemployment rates could jump as much as 11, even 12%. 12%? That's massive. Yes, and the picture gets even more grim when you look at some of the related industries. There's the anti-Cheney merchandise, a surprisingly large anti-Bush Supreme Court justice appointee and anti-Jenna Bush market. Definitely a large market. All included, these industries make up around 40% of the American economy. So a collapse could completely devastate the nation.
It could and it will. But isn't it likely that Bush will continue to make gaps after he leaves office? In all likelihood, yes. But while making fun of the president now has the appearance of speaking truth to power, doing it after he's left office just seems like harassment of a retired old man. So I don't think there'll be much demand.
Is there anything else that can be done? We need to develop totally new products for marginally politically active liberals to throw their money away on. Like?
A fad diet. A new series of Buddhist-inspired self-help books. A new exercise trend.
Absolutely. Good advice. Okay, Joshua Russell, thanks for your expertise. Thank you, Pamela. You're welcome.
And coming up, computer giant Dell introduced the Hungryman megachip today. Why are banks continuing to finance loans to these anti-Bush startups? I mean, just last week, the Blackstone Group paid $6 million to a company that makes stick-it-to-bush pincushions. Why would they do that? They assume the new pincushion will be as big a cash cow as the bushmaking stupid face next to monkey-making similar-faced mousepad. |
TheOnion | Could_Plastic_Surgery_Be_Your_Ticket_To_Employment_Dr_Good_Ep_2 | A few weeks ago, our resident plastic surgeon, Dr. Tanis, met a group of recently unemployed women searching for jobs in the new, tougher economy. It's hard out there, Dr. Good. A lot of women are spending time working on their resumes or going back to school completely ignoring the fact that the reason they're not getting jobs is their aging, flabby bodies. You can have great qualifications, but it means nothing unless it's wrapped up in an attractive little package. My team and I re-sculpted the flesh and bones of these dear women to form new, more hireable people. Let's take a look at their journey. Studies show being attractive gets you hired. If you are ugly, you are fired. Bring out the unemployables! Would you hire these people? Let's get them jobs! You're shaped like a pear. I suspect this is why you were fired from your teaching job.
They said it was budget cuts. Budget cuts?
No. Be right. Bosses hate nosy people. And, uh, why not? Oops. I'll just have to remember that one.
It was finally time to correct the mistakes that were keeping them from getting jobs. I want to do more than just hire this woman, that's for sure. Perfect. Are you guys ready to meet your new employable babes? Let's bring it out! Now you look like competent employees. Not just a bunch of gabbing shrews sitting at your desks all day eating. Let's hear it for Dr. Tanis, everyone!
Dr. Goode, would the perfect human desire any of these women? No, no, no. The perfect human will require six to seven times the average hip width in a mate to safely deliver his perfect children. You'd find all of these women repulsive.
And we have another surprise for all of you. Come on out, Mr. Lewis! Ladies, I want you to meet Mr. Lewis. He's the head of human resources at all. Ball. Ball! Hello, attractive ladies.
I'd like to offer all of you jobs staffing our new location at Terminal C in New York's LaGuardia Airport. It doesn't get more convenient than that. I know none of you live in New York. Now you can fly to work every day.
Thank you, Dr. Tanis. We'll be back with more Dr. Goode. Finger Eleven's gonna play us a cut off their new record. Don't miss it. |
cracked | cracked_classic_a_holiday_news_report_from_the_horrifying_future | Christmas is here again, and with it come Christmas decorations. Park Street is known throughout Columbus for having some of the most exemplary Christmas displays in all the state.
Let's go live now to Park Street, where our KBTV junior reporter is on the scene. Thanks. I'm here with one of Park Street's most enthusiastic residents.
Except that here, Santa Claus is a giant bee! Oh, and what an amazing way to make the giant super genius bees feel welcome. Well, that's the idea. We wanted to show the giant super genius bees that we welcome their takeover of the planet. Christmas is a family holiday, and bees are family. Gotta love those bees!
Buzzzzzz! Buzzzzzzzzzzzz! Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
And, uh, sorry I didn't catch your name. Number 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 0, 8, 3.
Great. So you see bees, none of us are dissenters. Please don't kill us anymore.
Now some of these houses are a homemade wonder. Now tell us, what inspired you to make this amazing decoration? Well, I love nativity scenes, and I love the bees. So I thought, what a great twist on the nativity scene to show the beheading of the US scientists in front of the Honeycomb White House. Oh, well, that day certainly brought a new meaning to Thanksgiving, right?
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
So you see bees, we mean you no harm. Tell us where our children are. Now even if some people don't have the budget to pay tribute to the bees, we here at KBTV like to help them out a little. What are you doing to my decorations? I'm just trying to make them a bit more bee friendly. No, no, no. I'm friendly enough with the bees. It's not have to mate with the queen.
They're coming for me, the Alpha High. No, no, no, please, please stay with me. Ah! Thank you for that story, Junior Reporter number 9738927K.
In sports news, the New York Yankees will be playing the buzzed in Red Sox tonight. And by playing, I mean burning the stadium to the ground.
Please stay indoors. This is our world now. Now weather. Hi, thanks for watching our videos. Subscribe for more of them, and it'll be a home run. KBTV Junior Reporter is on the scene. Thanks.
I'm here with one of Park Street's most enthusiastic residents. Now tell me about your amazing Christmas display. Well, this is Santa Claus reading the list of who's been naughty or nice, except that here, Santa Claus is a giant bee.
Oh, and what an amazing way to make the giant super genius bees feel welcome. That's the idea. We wanted to show the giant super genius bees that we welcome their takeover of the planet. Christmas is a family holiday, and bees are family. Gotta love those bees.
Buzz.
And sorry, I didn't catch your name. Number 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 0, 8, 3. Great. So you see bees.
None of us are dissenters. Please don't kill us anymore.
Now some of these houses are a homemade wonder. Now tell us what inspired you to make this amazing decoration. Well, I love nativity scenes, and I love the bees. So I thought, what a great twist on the nativity scene to show the beheading of the US scientists in front of the Honeycomb White House. Oh, well, that day certainly brought a new meaning to Thanksgiving, right?
Buzz.
So you see bees. We mean you no harm. Tell us where our children are. Now even if some people don't have the budget to pay tribute to the bees, we here at KBTV like to help them out a little. What are you doing to my decorations? I'm just trying to make them a bit more bee friendly. No, no, no. I'm friendly enough with the bees. It's not half the mate with the queen.
They're coming for me. The alpha high. No, no. No, please, please. Stay with me. Ah! Thank you for that story, Junior Reporter number 973-8927K.
In sports news, the New York Yankees will be playing the Buzzton Red Sox tonight. And by playing, I mean burning the stadium to the ground.
Please stay indoors. This is our world now. Now weather.
Hi, thanks for watching our videos. Subscribe for more of them, and it'll be a home run. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_parent_trap_snl | We're so excited to be doing this remake of The Parent Trap. uh, as you know, we found some places to update the original. But the scene in the cabin when Hallie and Annie realize they're twins is such a classic, we just wanted to leave it as it was.
I love that. I totally agree. this is so special. I'm just really glad to be here. us too.
Obviously, since you're playing both twins, we'll film you twice, combine the two images into one. today, you'll be Hallie in the scenes. And since your body double is out sick, we're just gonna have one of our crew guys, Raymond, read with you, Okay? Yeah. hey, uh, call me Ray, and this is gonna be fun. I think I get the gist. Okay, great. So let's start with the sequence where Hallie and Annie are having a little disagreement over whether it's bedtime or not, Okay? you can just head to your cots, and, uh, we'll get started, All right? okay, great. and. action.
Off. on. off. Turn them off. you are so annoying.
And I'm starting to think you're a real bitch. Okay. sorry, I don't think, um, the script said bitch. yeah, yeah, sorry about that. I did a little off-the-cuff thing, you know, like, like I do on Curb. you guys watch Curb, I love Curb. maybe someone else wants to read the lines, you know, like the ones that are in the script. Don't worry, we're never gonna see him in the movie, so it doesn't really matter what he says.
I have an idea. should I, you know, go to the toilet at some point and she gets mad? You know, that could be funny, like, her twin is always on the toilet. are you asking that because you need to go to the bathroom now, Or.
Well, I think my character might, but, uh, you're the director. right, okay, let's just, um, move on to the next day, Okay? So just as a reminder, it's stormed outside, so your belongings got wet, and now you're talking by the window getting to know each other, Okay? All right, and. action. Oh, are any pictures ruined?
Only the beautiful Shawn Mendes. Wow, he is hot! You know who I like?
Lisa Rinna. I would let her wreck me.
Okay, I don't really know what to do here. Okay, let's just move on to the Oreo scene. you're bonding, you're realizing you have a lot in common. Okay, and go. wanna eat some Oreos? it may sound weird, but I eat them with peanut butter. Well, f me, so do I! no way! I wonder what else we have in common. uh, you like Schlitz? Schlitz beer? what? uh, no. anyway, uh, how old are you? 56. for this, 11. my birthday's in October. me too. this is tripping me out! Let's see if we have a picture of our parents that was ripped in half to see if we're twins. nope, nope, not there yet. but good enough. let's just jump ahead to where Hallie is pacing, putting it all together. you're both up for this. Okay, yeah, and. action. I mean, think about it.
I only have a father, and you only have a mother. Oh, yeah? you've never seen your dad, and I've never seen my mom. So you think we're twins or not yet? You have one old picture of your mom, and I have one old picture of my dad.
Yeah, like in that Lindsay Lohan movie about the twins. but at least yours is probably a whole picture. a whole picture? you're 11! Don't look at those! My picture's just a pathetic little thing ripped down the middle. Okay, and now you both run to get your halves of the picture. I didn't get past the picture. here it is, the picture of my Dad.
Okay, I got mine. on the count of three, we'll show them to each other, Okay? Okay, one, two, three.
Whoa! Leslie Mann and Ed Helms. Is this the screaming? So if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad, and we're both born on October 11th, then you and I are like sisters. sisters? this is this alley with freaking twins! Annie!
Oh My. God, wow, I'm like trying now. this is amazing. So they just split us up? Why would they do that to us? we gotta kill them. there's two of us. if we work together, we can kill them. I'm kidding, I love you. And Cut! Wow, that was it. Thank you both for those performances. I'm blown away. this is gonna be a hit, and I'll see you both at the premiere. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Relief_For_Scomo_QLD_Flips_The_Script_Another_Normal_Day_In_Australia_More_May_27 | Hello and welcome back to the weekly Battuta Bulletin, it is great to have you company and it is great to be done with the federal election campaign. It was a frantic six weeks, everyone was feeling quite fatigued, a lot of fatigue running through the newsroom but we are at the end of it and we are at the other side which is quite exciting. I'm Wendell Hussey and I've got Effie Bateman here in the studio with me today to wrap up what has been happening in the world of news. Effie how are you? Really good Wendell but fucking cold. Yes it is certainly quite crisp around here this time of year and it's going to stay crisp for the next few months, we are going into that winter season. Now we'll start off with a story about the fallout from that election last weekend. We have a new government, that means the government is on the way out.
No longer is Scott Morrison our Prime Minister but it's not all bad news for Morrison. Scotty has revealed that he's found a silver lining in the fact that he never has to pretend to enjoy rugby league again. Yeah so it's about him trying to figure out whether he wants to bomb out of politics, I mean he's tried enough different careers as we've seen, or stick around and lob peanuts from the back bench for the next few years. However there is a silver lining for Scott Morrison after his government was obliterated last weekend as he doesn't have to go to rugby league anymore. Yes that's right the born and raised eastern suburbs product doesn't need to pretend to like rugby league or the Cronulla Sharks given he's no longer the Prime Minister. He can go back to enjoying his beloved Waratahs with a nice glass of wine and hanging out for those mid year and end of year Wallabies Test matches so lots of things he doesn't need to pretend to like anymore so exciting times for Scott Morrison there.
Now some fallout from our home state in regards to the election, a Queenslander has looked down his nose at those rednecks in Victoria who only elected one Greens MP. After being ridiculed by the filthy southerners in 2019 for apparently not voting how they wanted us to vote the script has flipped this year and it looks like the Queensland Greens have definitely snagged two seats and they could potentially bag a third as well meaning that the party's headquarters are going to have to move to West End now if fair is fair. Yeah well that's right there's only one other Greens MP in Parliament and that is Adam Bandt down in the seat of Melbourne he's been in that seat for quite some time now but if you look at it we were gonna have three Greens potentially in Queensland and one in Melbourne I don't think you keep the Greens headquarters down there in Melbourne you have to move them back up to Brisbane and you know yeah it's got Queensland feeling itself we copped a lot of flak after the last election a lot of people down there in Sydney and Melbourne were saying we're dumb redneck hicks because of the way we voted voting against our own interests they were of course better informed about our own interests and we were but yeah it looks like we're not such dumb rednecks anymore. How many Greens did they elect down in New South Wales? Effie do you know off the top of your head? I don't know. Zero MPs. So they've got a couple in the Senate there but they haven't elected a single MP yes they've got some teals but haven't elected a single Greens MP so as Bryce Taylor commented on that story well well well how the turntables perfectly summed up Bryce now in some more national news that isn't related to politics Australia has enjoyed another peaceful day this week under our oppressive gun control regime yep it marks the nine thousand five hundred and twenty third day in a row that no one has died as a result of a mass shooting from an automatic or semi automatic weapon on Australian soil it might have something to do with the fact that we have extremely restrictive gun control legislation yeah yeah it's an interesting one it could have something to do with that fact that we do oppress our citizens and deprive them of their god-given right to bear arms Christina Upton who is a Battuta Heights Cinema employee she offered up the theory saying that yeah the fact that we prevent our citizens from having military-grade weapons readily available and can't go and pick them up from places like Kmart and big W may have something to do with the fact that we don't have these shooting sprees that you know seem to happen in other parts of the world it's an interesting theory it's one that we that's an interesting one what's up next well some maybe more light-hearted local news to finish up the weekly wrap Effie a couple in a long-term relationship have excitedly caught up with their single mate to hear her latest host story now those are your words not mine why don't you tell us a little bit about this story Effie yeah well I wrote this one after speaking to a Battuta Heights couple at the popular French Quarter cafe this week their names were James and Harper and if they weren't so goddamn lovely you'd probably resent them a little bit you know very loved up anyway they've enjoyed another weekend to catch up with their single mate to try and live through a life enjoy all the enjoyable hotels that they get to hear hotels yeah that's right what do you reckon it is that they love so much about these tales Effie well I think it's you know it's almost like this sick morbid interest you know they've been together for a long time you know childhood sweethearts and it's almost like watching a football game you get to enjoy all the entertainment you don't have to worry about getting tackled or any of the shit stuff that's so true living vicariously through it you know what I mean I guess what's the most excitement that they have you know someone forgets to hang out the washing or gets to put the dishwasher on at night and then you know you play time going to the Sunday market yeah yeah well that's getting a new candle that yeah yeah I guess not a lot of excitement for them so it's good for them to live through their single friends who reminds them that geez you know you wouldn't you wouldn't want to be out there right now it's tough it's a tough graph yeah they say that's what I've heard anyway now that's all we got time for today I hope you enjoyed your company and we hope there's plenty more local stuff like our last story to come over the next few months because it's time for a little bit time time for a change yeah anyway that's all from me I'm Wendell Hassey I'm Matthew Bateman have a great weekend for them to live through their single friends and it reminds them that geez you know you wouldn't you wouldn't want to be out there right now it's tough it's a tough graph yeah they say that's what I've heard anyway now that's all we got time for today I hope you enjoyed your company and we hope there's plenty more local stuff like our last story to come over the next few months because it's time for a little bit time for a change yeah anyway that's all for me I'm Wendell Hassey I'm Matthew Bateman have a great weekend |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Ed_Ross_Co_Founder_of_TradeMutt_and_TIACS | You're joined by myself Clancy Overall and Wendell Hussey in the booth today. It's great to be here Clancy yeah? It's exciting. This is an exciting guest especially you know, we kicked the year off I guess.
This is our first one back. Oh no no no. Second one back. Second one back.
We had the hottest 100 countdown expert in last week. Weekly interviews are back and today's guest is a success story from Western Queensland and there's plenty of them. I'm not going to say it's a rare thing. This one is a pretty special yarn that we're going to have today. When you think of Western Queensland success stories it's easy to kind of turn your mind to Kurt Kaitwell, Artie Beatson, Darren Lockyer. But you know we also have the guy who played Alf in Home and Away, Western Queensland Man. Who's that actor from Winton who is in all the stuff now? I mean we could just keep going. Jason Clarke, incredible Australian actor.
We've got plenty going on out this part of the world. We've got the Batutah Advocate. We've got Qantas, formerly known as an Australian owned airline and you know we've got a whole range of different political movements that have changed Australian life for the better. Be that the you know the old country party or the national party or the labour party. It's all come out of Western Queensland.
The engine room of this country and today's guest joins that illustrious alumni. Thank you for joining us. Ed Ross. Pleasure gentlemen. Thanks for having me.
Now mate whether our listeners know it or not they've seen your influence on this country in some capacity I dare say. Well you came into our view with your trademark workwear which is a visionary idea you've got. But I kind of want to talk about you know you're doing a lot of things in the space of you know mental health which we'll get into but I want to kind of talk about you know you as a mental health advocate how do you get into that and where did it all start for you? Tell us your yarn. You know it's a funny one Clancy I mean myself and Dan my co-founder and best mate who launched Trademutt. It's funny we don't even call ourselves mental health advocates we just call ourselves a couple of dickheads having a go to be honest we're just trying to change the culture around help seeking behaviour and allow people to start conversation about mental health more regularly.
Sadly Dan lost a close mate to suicide at the end of 2015. I was working in the Territory for a few years out of school sort of got jack of it sleeping in swags every night and being out in dusty stock camps and I'd actually lost a mate in a helicopter accident around Easter time and sort of made me re-evaluate things and what I was doing with my life and I wanted to be closer to mates so I came down for the Ecker of all things and had a ripped hair at the time there. Got on the mechanical bull at the Jubilee Hotel no doubt. Mate absolutely when it was going well to the jubes she's had a reno it's not like the glory years sadly. Bit sterile nowadays. It's a bit 2024 but mates came down had a really good time with some mates and just realised that being closer to mates was something that I valued and wanted to be getting around so yeah put my two weeks notice in when I got back out west and basically came down and was just doing labouring jobs just couldn't get a start in anything really just doing labouring jobs going to Fridays every weekend and tearing through cash and got to the point where just by chance a mate of mine was at a 21st and really weird situation where a mate of his had got a pocket doll from his ex boss and he rang me back and he said got a missed call he said mate just pocket doll sorry but are you still looking for an apprenticeship and he said oh no I'm not at the moment but I'll let you know if anyone is and then somehow my mate Harry was at this party in Toowoomba came back and said Rossy there's an opportunity for an apprenticeship in Brisbane I said mate I'm not doing an apprenticeship you know I'll wait and get a bank job or get into agri sales or do something and yeah low and behold started working with the same builder on the same day as Dan he was a bloke from Western Sydney he was already a licensed tradie and we're the two new guys on the block so we got lumped with all the shit jobs and we're just working out a job in Kenmore blackjack and retaining walls and putting insulation and ceilings in hanging doors oh mate it was yeah it was horrific and I was sort of through the first month I'm going mate fuck this I'm moving back to the territory yeah and Dan was like no no they're testing us mate they're testing us like we'll stick with it and yeah we just forge a really close relationship and good mateship and just talking you know crap and watching quoting Jim Carrey movies and Quentin Tarantino as you do to get through the day yep got your wheelbarrow licenses together as well yeah mate and as soon as you drop one full of mud you owe a carton so you get pretty good at hanging on to them especially on apprenticeship wages yes and anyway we just started doing a lot of cashies and stuff with Dan's on weekends starting to pile a bit of cash together and we had some ideas we're like what are we gonna do you know if we won the lotto or want to start a business and one of the ideas was work we're like no it's really doing anything with with work where it seems a bit boring and plain and that was just an idea and then as I said earlier yeah Dan lost a mate just completely out of the blue to suicide at the end of 2015 and that was just our first experience directly and indirectly with with an event like that so you say that you you know your mates kind of he's away from home and he gets this news so he's dealing with that kind of in a in a foreign place to to a degree you know you come from western Sydney you're working in in Queensland as a tradie and in the heat and you and and you get you know awful news like that and then you indirectly become his support network exactly yeah yeah and that kind of has informed the work you've gone to gone on to do together yeah exactly it was just sort of really weird for us because we've yeah both fortunate enough to have been privately educated and this whole mental health space is something you're nothing about and we're like you know depression anxiety you know what is all this stuff and why so many young people especially blokes killing themselves we just couldn't really work it out and we already had the idea for the work shirts and trademark was born where did that idea for the work shirts come from is it just to get people talking to kind of get people to loosen up a little bit how did that come about yeah well we like we were just wanting to wear something a bit different to work anyway something a bit funky you know on a Friday a bit more casual and then we learned about what social enterprise was and profit for purpose and we were like well fuck we could possibly like wrap these two ideas together and make some real change start a business and try and make some impact in the mental health space and we just ended up getting on the news and the whole thing blew up and yeah six years down the track here we are and it's they're just conversations starting work shirts basically as simple as that so for those not listening that they've got these wild patterns there's a bit of camo but it's all very vibrant there's you know all kinds of patterns but it's all PPE I guess official right it's you know yeah got high vis ones as well for mining and yeah commercial sites which is great so you've essentially created unofficial kind of mental health liaisons on work sites and mining sites and you know and you know blue collar workplaces right around the country exactly yeah and completely like what we intended was you know to sell a couple of shirts and start some conversations and you know the worst thing was going to happen to us that we were going to get lumped with 30 grands worth of work shirts and wear them for the rest of our lives from extra small 3xl but it just exploded and we've just been just overwhelmed to be honest with the support that we've had and the way it's just infiltrated workplaces and cultures are being changed within workplaces sort of you know overnight just people having conversations that they've never otherwise felt like having but because they're wearing a cotton drill work shirt with a bit of funky color on there and it's got some meaning behind it people are opening up and being vulnerable and starting some really important conversations sounds like you've you've basically got a bunch of ambassadors now all over the nation just in the form of as you said tradies and truck drivers and nurses now as well there's nurses kit who are just wearing this this clothing and starting these conversations was there any kind of negative blowback at the start i know particularly you know there can be places where sometimes so you don't want to stereotype but some of the older blokes can be a little bit more uptight and not as open to new ideas and talking about those sorts of things did you see much of that or was it pretty quick for you know people to adopt it it's it's interesting because that was a mindset that dan and i had too like wow how are we gonna actually get people to jump on board with this because it was you know six seven years ago it's quite a taboo topic um the interesting thing was that the older men and women were jumping on board because they either lost someone or knew someone that lost someone and really wanted to make a difference um you know around people having these conversations they knew the importance of it um and so they were basically our main ambassadors and the interesting thing as well like we've had interactions with people before that you know have been a bit oh what's the guy with that shirt mate look shit ass blah blah and then you tell them what it's about a conversation side about mental health and all of a sudden that guard comes down and they just open straight up to you it's an incredibly powerful thing that we had no no foresight that it would would do that you know we just thought it'd be a bit of fun yeah i mean the the you know the the the discourse the discussion around tradies or you know people and you know in the bush in in certain communities particularly men uh bottling things up and being rather stoic has existed you know for as long as you can remember in australia um why do you think it is i mean you both said you were lucky enough to go to boarding schools and whatever um and even there you know in in these educations that uh you know your parents were investing in you didn't hear anything about it why why wasn't there conversations and this is what you know we're trying to to understand now is that why it's not being you know ingrained in this in early education and um just just general um overall community well-being i don't know why people aren't haven't been talking about it more regularly i think we know now that it's a massive issue in this country is people taking their lives um and we're just trying to change that culture and allow people to just simply start talking about things that are going on with them and seeking seeking help and we've just got to be able to seek that help tell mates about it and allow other people to know it's easy to do and it's really rewarding once you've done that and a big uh big part of this is you start a trademark and then the branding on that is this is a conversation starter which from that flow tiax the mental health organization because that's the the next step right as you start the conversation you start talking about it but there is only so much um your mate can do sometimes so you have to take it to someone who can help you out and that's what tiax does right that's the next step with free counseling and mental health support yeah exactly so sort of after we'd launched trademark we're getting a lot of feedback from our community saying hey like i'm having a conversation with someone where do i go i need more help and and dan and i again looked at it more like well there's crisis support services out there which is great and they're really needed but people weren't in crisis they just needed someone to talk to and sort of like a coach or someone to support them along their journey and for dan and i even going through the stresses of starting a small business we you know needed support ourselves so we went on that journey to figure out how we would do that and it's going seeing a gp booking in attending paying for that getting on a mental health plan then finding a counselor a psychologist booking in and seeing those those people and it was just like an arduous task like why is it so hard to speak to like a mental health professional so we said why don't we just get a phone number hire someone pay them and then just get people to call which is a pretty loose idea in hindsight because i remember we rang up to get the insurance they asked for what our uh accreditations and qualifications were when we said cert three in carpentry and joinery they um yeah got the phone but i mean i think that us being so naive sort of helped us you know sort of break through so yeah the tiax service was just to remove those physical and financial barriers that have previously existed for people to access a counselor and the thing that tiax does differently is you speak to the same counselor through your journey so sadly dan and i can't use tiax because uh yeah they if we're ringing them up with our problems they know we're in strife so we've got we've got our own psychologists and like i i saw my psych in the last year um like i've been saying to people like he was bringing stuff up that we'd been talking about 18 months previously and that's a really cool thing about tiax is that you speak to that same counselor so you're not repeating your story over and over again like we're taking people from point a if i need help to to point b i'm feeling better and have the tools and the kit to look after myself i mean there's always you know there's always the attitude of like you know uh some sort of oil change or you know checking the oil um which is obviously an easier way to communicate these kind of visits to certain professionals to particularly for blokes um what have you found though you know you're talking about solutions which are obviously since since this the very first shirt you printed to now with your phone line that's what you've been focused on but are there you know curative things that you start or preventative things that you start seeing as well like you know what has changed are things worse are there factors now i mean we we you know we often think about screen time and all these new different kind of lifestyle changes that have only really one generation has seen um is that something you're across and is that something you spend much time on or is it more about just getting the help yeah i think well it's it comes down to people's individual journeys to be honest like for dan and i like looking back now like our mental health and well-being it's just been an absolute roller coaster ride through this journey as well like people think that you work in the mental health space you must have really great mental health i can guarantee you that is not true you are you're very much susceptible to the to the triggers and things of small business like i said before and managing staff and being in relationships um so what we've realized individually is that it's understanding what works for you you know some things work better um for certain people and some things um don't so for me my whole thing has just been about routine um getting in as much physical exercise like go to the gym every morning doing the whole wanker ice bar thing every morning is every other day great for recovery mate but um and just simple things yeah like i haven't had social media on my phone for probably about five years just linkedin and and also just spending time with friends and families is what works for me and yeah seeing my psychologist probably every quarter you know as you said six or so years ago um mental health mental illness these topics were a taboo and they had been for centuries before that you know australians were kind of better known for drinking and fighting and dealing with things and probably you know unsustainable and uh anti-social ways but you know since since the like you know since blokes like you've come through there's been a big push but you know there is that element and uh wendell touched on it earlier about you know there's only so far you can go with awareness and how do you advise mates you know when when you know someone say you know you've got to speak out speak to a mate speak to an ambassador speak to an unofficial ambassador when was it that you decided that you had to you had to add another layer to this was the feedback kind of along the lines of you know people telling you mate this is great i've got people talking to me i've got i'm happy to be that person but you know i don't know what to tell this bloke about this and then and then furthermore how do you find someone that is appropriate to sit on the other end of the phone for us it was um just realizing that there was a really big gap between like you were saying awareness and that crisis support we just wanted to be able to fill that void for people and even if we can't you know as an organization um support you at least we can help get you in the right direction and point in the right direction so we're just recommending everyone obviously to give tiax a call or text um as as that first port of call um and even one really important thing that we're pushing through is you don't need to be needing support yourself you may be wanting to support someone else you call tiax speak to professionals so then you can go and talk to that person about it i think that's a really important thing most people and i think we've all been guilty of it we know a mate or a family member or loved one we're like you should really go and see someone and what we're saying is you reach you at first on behalf of and then go and have a chat to them about how that process has been so hopefully they can take that uh that lead from you um and then the second question clance sorry i forgot the second question well yeah how do you find that right person to sit behind a phone uh yeah to deal with you know blokes who've probably never ever spoken about this ever before yeah yeah again that's an interesting one so for us it's um all our counselors are masters qualified and we've got a quite a different model of care compared to private practice where we work quite collaboratively so um we've got a model of care that has been built with our counseling team so rather than working in silos or individually it's very much hey this is a client i've been working with this is what we're working on what what do you guys think and there's collaboration stuff there so for us it's all about yeah finding people that that fit our culture um and then also can drop a c-bomb drop an f-bomb on the phone and most people when you're sitting in an interview and you're saying hey look we we talk to blue collar australians um for us to be able to cut through and we need to speak their language and so if they drop a c or an f-bomb feel free to throw it straight back um and the the counseling team um find it quite amusing and quite impactful once they're doing that because they can hear the change of guard and the change of voice you know from that truckie that's you know on his way out to perdsville somewhere and he's dropped an f-bomb with his counselors just dropped the c-bomb on the phone and he goes wow this person's really speaking my language so that's really what we're trying to maintain there's no room for pearl clutching on uh t-ax is there no trying to be as relatable as we can yeah oh mate well you know this is it's an amazing thing you've done here what's the number so it's 04 888 469 888 and we're monday to friday 8 a.m to 10 p.m australian eastern standard time and like i said you don't need to even be in the in the blue collar rural space anyone can reach out to t-ax and understand how the service works and then get some support and that's now for nurses as well and you're focusing a lot on the bush as well yeah so we've got a really big campaign um that we're launching in the in the next few weeks um called the don't keep it under your hat campaign so the whole idea is to to raise some some awareness around the service we're providing and how people can gain access to t-ax i think a big thing for us is is not to plaster mental health or well-being or counseling it's just you know guys ladies what what are you keeping under your hat let's let's have a yarn let's um let's lift the hood a bit and um and speak some truths and not bottle it up i think we've been doing that for too long um and for rural communities um we're here for them and 15 of our calls are from rural and regional australia and uh it's something that we're really really driven to to increase uh the awareness of and get more people reaching out yeah fantastic as as clancy was saying there you know there can be six steps sometimes to actually getting to talk to someone it's a lot harder in the bush sometimes as well to be able to get in for those appointments i want to talk about the bush what are are the some of the other barriers out there or or indeed accelerators of the trouble that people are facing yeah well one obviously is isolation you know there's a lot of people a lot of single um people living out on on you know country australia and that isolation you know i've had people call up um and their the person they've been speaking to for the last month is their dog you know what i mean or the postie that'll it'll come through you know on their weekly town run and um yeah it's it can be really tough so so what we're trying to do is just make it really easy for people to reach out whenever so most people have wi-fi and stuff now at home so they can just text through you know um to to teax which is really important um and i think the other thing as well is not the lack of resources i wouldn't say that i think it's just that um it can be a little bit daunting you know in those small towns um to go in there may only be one social worker one counselor in town and you know people see a ute park out the front and people may feel a little bit intimidating so what we say is reach out to us first dip your toe in the water know how good it is and then if you want to reach out to people locally um feel free to do so i mean i can only imagine the testimonials you're getting online and you know by letter but are people bailing you up in the street about this yeah mate it's um yeah it's sort of overwhelming to be honest where um like we said like dan and i just two dickheads having a go you know like we just got had this idea and now it's it's it's far bigger than than us and our team it's it's it's the community in which we deliver to and are supporting yeah you almost come become numb to it to a degree and you kind of need to be because it just for our own mental health and well-being like it can just become overwhelming and you hear those stories of uh you know people that have lost a loved one and lost a loved one recently that are in you know a tradie you know young tradie or something like that and for us it's like fuck how did we not get through to that person but it's you know we've just got to keep working hard and fighting to change our culture and get more people involved with what we're doing do you get do you ever get hit up by i i guess you'd say uh employers do you end up um you know helping people with their systems as well well the big thing for us is is just trying to um bring i suppose teams together um one story that sort of stands out jason our co-ceo at teax he um was talking to a board i think it was last year i was just telling everyone about you know his story and what we're doing here at teax and and whatnot and then um after he'd sort of shared his story a couple of people in the board were sharing their story and whatnot sort of went on for an hour or so hour or so and then jason looked outside and one of the blokes sort of hit him up and said jase i've known those blokes in there for five six years i've never heard that i've never heard they went through that or or that they've suffered through that or they'd lost that person um and i think that the businesses that have been jumping on board and either rolling out trademark shirts or supporting teax's alliance partner uh allowing those people to to share those stories and build closer connections um internally with team members which like he was sort of saying when you're isolated on five four sites throughout and stop camps it's really important for us to yeah have that compassion empathy and and know people's story i suppose a lot of stuff that you've spoken about in those kind of stories it sounds like for so many people it is almost just like a dropping of the guard and an opening up and kind of feeling comfortable to talk about that sort of stuff i noticed that you spoke about it in an interesting way as well you basically ran through what sounded like a mental health plan you're very open and upfront about it and it sounds like you have a great lens that you look through in terms of mental health how much has that changed and was there a moment for you where you just kind of crystallized in your head what it was all about yeah i suppose it's just been a bit of an evolution and a journey um i suppose for me personally it's when you're going through you know whether or not you know financial stress with the business or staffing issues or marital issues or whatever it is it's like i can't work this out myself and my mates whoever i'm talking to what they're telling me isn't really not that it's not helping me but it's not helping solve anything either so um maybe i do need to speak to someone professionally and then what we've realized is once we've gone and done that and had a really good experience because i've been to two different councils and stuff through through the last couple of years and they didn't gel but i finally found a psych that really challenged me i think that was someone that i was like fuck this blokes you know jamming me here a bit i was like this is good so that's been that's been great and then it's being able to know how good that is for me and then going and telling my mates about it so like me and my wife going and getting marriage counseling you know i told him i did a wedding out in gundy last year and he's like oh he's like how was that i was like mate it's best thing we've ever done it's fantastic he's like oh shit yeah right oh and then two days later he's calling me up he's like what's the name of that psychologist and so we've just realized that it's not about preaching and trying to you know change the world it's just do it yourself and tell people how it's been how it's been good for you yeah and then people and people follow you along and like i said i'm definitely not a mental health um you know advocate you know mental health professional anything like that i'm just yeah i'm just a bloke that's on my own journey um that's building a business with you know my best mate and yeah changing changing the culture and just wanting people to reach out get help and and then tell their mates about it i think that's the way we're going to change the culture in this country because um yeah we're all going through something there's no doubt so ed you spent a lot of time you know for someone who was bouncing between working with cattle and sheep and and working with tools and working on roofs and then landing yourself in this kind of sector i guess it's a sector um uh well it's a space anyway let's put it that way um you spent a lot of time thinking about something you weren't really taught about um and do you feel like i'm asking about you do you feel like you've kind of opened some sort of pandora's box in your fucking early 20s here that you just can't something you never really you know thought about and then now you're just in and you're inside it and you're finding more and more out about you know um this very relevant aspect of health yeah i think so i think now we're just um yeah figuring out just the amount of personal development um that you can make along the way because i think for me personally like probably until i was 25, 6 you know you think you know everything your shit doesn't stink if anyone gives you advice you you think they're mad um and you think you've pretty much got everything figured out until that moment you think actually i know nothing but i'm really keen to learn as much as i can and improve and i think that that is a mindset shift has been a big really big thing for me um because i really had that hard exterior up thinking that i wasn't not successful but i wasn't um you know not good but i wasn't doing well unless i looked like i knew what i was doing you know um so it was kind of putting up that bullshit facade but being able to drop that down and be like actually i know nothing but i'm willing to learn and have a crack yeah i find myself in this space now where i'm like well you can't um pretend to be something you're not being genuine and transparent is is one of our first values here at Trademud NTX so it's like you gotta yeah lead from the front and show people how to do it and being able to come to the office and have a whole lot of meeting and yeah be in tears talking about something's going on in your personal life um makes a big difference for your staff then say fuck you know if um the boss or whatever can go through it and that this is how they're handling it well i can i can do the same so we're just trying to replicate that through um yeah through the rest of the country there's something about young blokes isn't there when you know you start making a bit of money and that that um obviously cements what you were just saying that belief that you know everything and you're bulletproof um and then then occasionally in a young person's life there'll be like a lever that changes um you know there'll be a lever that you pull and you feel like a new man um is that is that something you kind of you know talk about with young people as well you know that that idea that you know uh doing pingas every single weekend and drinking energy drinks every single meal and uh not doing any exercise and you know living the life you always dreamed of living actually isn't that sustainable yeah yeah definitely i think everyone goes through it's just at a certain certain age you know it's it's crazy what what life brings up and and you know what people go through um it's just a matter of um when people are are ready to to switch over and yeah really embrace it i suppose and it's different for everyone yeah if there's someone out there that's um thinking about that maybe time then it's time to reach out to a mate or yeah give tax a call and start that now well you know i said before you're doing great stuff here ed um give us that number again and we'll put it in the show notes as well yeah for sure so tax is 04 888 469 888 um just give him a text or a call if you just text them through and say g'day just heard ed on the patoota podcast they'll uh get straight back to you and start uh start having a yarn terrific and there's plenty of support obviously on the website as well and you can get all your gear at tradie mart um just wanted to ask you quickly as well ed before we go uh ice bath what are you up to time wise well mate it's funny i started off i nearly had it for a year at home built it out of the chest freezer off gumtree um i was doing three minutes every morning but i was just getting to a stage later in the year i just kept getting a couple of chest infections so i was like cut it back cut it back to two um so yeah i'm a two-minute man every day now so um yes it is like i mean it is it is a wanker thing i mean everyone's doing it now but it is bloody it does get you going it lights you up that's for sure it's an ancient science it's an ancient science i know everyone's privy to it as well you know um and and you know this is another element as well wellness and and you know fitness and well-being and these are all the things that these are these levers that people pull uh in their lives and and it's good to get on top of this stuff so uh thanks mate thank you for speaking to us thanks for sharing your story and uh all power to you yeah i really appreciate the opportunity lads it means a hell of a lot thanks |
SaturdayNightLive | duh_winning_with_charlie_sheen_snl | Up next on every channel and website, it's the new talk show, The Winning with Charlie Sheen. It's time for Da Wing with Charlie Sheen.
Well, welcome to Da Winning, show for people who are tired of apologizing for their bitchin'' gnarly rockstar lives and are ready to celebrate being highly evolved warlocks. Say hello to my bandleader, Ms. Christina Aguilera. it's time. Winning, what's new with you, goddess? things are pretty raw. I botched the National anthem, I fell down at the Grammys, and then this week I got arrested for public intoxication. you know what you really got arrested for? Public intoxa Winning. duh. I mean, look at you. you're like my ideal woman. you're blonde. you make terrible decisions. you know, you're blonde.
Thanks, Charlie. let's meet our first guest. he's a gnarly, gnarlington, who speaks his mind, a radical, radical dude, fashion designer, John Galliano. John Galliano Winning. Hile there. John Galliano, bitchin'' Rockstar, great guy.
How many points you put up on the scoreboard this week? what, like a million? More like zero. I had a bad week, Charlie. please.
Seriously, I was caught saying, I love Hitler, but he was taken completely out of the cordon text. I wasn't praising Hitler the person. I was praising Hitler's political views. it's so terrible.
I was fired by Christian Dior. So what? you know, I lost my job, too.
Now I can, you know, I can do whatever I want. you know, I can do Major League 3. Hot Shots part Quattro. I'm really excited about this. Platoon 2, Electric Platoonaloo. you're so positive. duh, duh, winning. And so are you. Quick, give me three awesome things about you. Go. Oh, okay.
I have no ugly friends. I dress like a meth doubt musketeer. And I've got a mustache that whispers, i'm a bad person. how does that make you feel?
Winning. See, that's our lives. deal with it. Sorry, Middle America. losers, winning. Bye-bye. real quick, I want to thank today's sponsor, Tiger Blood. just blood from a tiger in a jar. up to you, what to do with it. Next guest, Momar, or as I call him, Momuf Gaddafi. Charlize, it's great to be here. you know, really great to be anywhere but Libya. who's running that place? the winning. you and I have a lot in common. you're a Vatican assassin and you're 79. I'm a Vatican assassin and I look 79. we've got Tiger blood. Thanks, But you know, actually, I'm not doing so great. impossible. you're so bitchin',' so gnarly. I bet you're just killing it right now. If by it you mean my people, then yes, I'm very much killing it. Don't get down to yourself. you've been a star dictator on a hit country for 42 seasons. without you, no even talks about Libya. who are they gonna replace you with? an elective democracy?
John Stamos? come on! So what, some trolls called you an anti-semite? are you? That's ridiculous. I don't even know what anti-semite means. means you hate Jews.
Oh, I'm definitely that, yes. I didn't understand. put me down as totally on that. Either way. real quick, Three good things about yourself. Okay, I have the courage of a lion, the heart of a monster, and I dress like Humpty Hump from Digital Underground. How do you feel now, Momar?
Winning. Still a quick viewer email. Charlie, everything you're saying is making perfect sense. I've been waiting my whole life for someone to spell things out so clearly. Finally, I know, I'm not crazy. Well, thank you very much, Gbuc69athopnow.com. our final guest is a long time member of the winner's circle. please welcome, Lindsay Lohan. Hey, Charlie. hey, Lindsay, you winning? you know it. Radical. Lay it on me. things are great. my new movie, Herbie, opened 68 months ago, and the Los Angeles Courthouse just gave me my own parking spot. Winning. winning. duh. duh. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. hold on, hold on real quick. Oh, hold on. clear. and we're winning again. All right, real quick, I gotta mention another sponsor. baby urine. got a drug test coming up. reach her some nice, clean baby urine. can I get some of that? Ah, yes. thanks. All right. that's this show. let's take a look, as we always do, at the scoreboard.
Tough day for the trolls. the show is done. it's in the past. I'm done. bye-bye. I gotta do 10 more interviews, but real quick, Live from New York, It's Saturday night. |
ClickHole | fact_check_paleontologists_break_down_all_the_ways_jurassic_park_gets_newman_wrong | Jurassic Park is a wonderful movie and I'm happy it got so many people interested in learning about Newman. But I have to say, as a paleontologist, the film gets Newman wrong in many ways. Right off the bat, we have the problem of Newman's name. In Jurassic Park, he's referred to as Dennis Nedry. In actuality, Newman's name is Newman.
Yes, it's fun to imagine Newman driving a jeep in the jungle, but this scene betrays several key facts we know to be true about Newman. First, Newman lived in New York, not the jungle. And furthermore, Newman drove a mail truck, not a jeep. Think about it. If Newman drove a jeep in the jungle, how would he deliver mail to New Yorkers?
Steven Spielberg may be a great director, but a Newman expert, he is not. In our current understanding of Newman, he likely spent far more time with Kramer than he ever did with his computer. Yet the amount of screen time showing Newman with Kramer in this movie is zero. For a paleontologist, the idea that Kramer would not appear once in Jurassic Park is laughable.
Take a look at the scene where Newman offers to get his co-workers snacks. I'm going up the machine, I thought maybe, you know, I'd get somebody something. At the time Jurassic Park was made, the predominant theory about Newman's diet was that he practiced mutually beneficial food sharing. I think I'm going to get something salty, I thought maybe something would work. However, recent data has proven that when Newman had food, he did not share it and actually became highly aggressive towards anyone who encroached on his feeding.
Granted the film's creators had no way of knowing this back then. We can pick apart smaller details all day long, but Jurassic Park doesn't even get basic facts about Newman right. Though we know for a fact that Newman's natural enemy was Jerry, Jurassic Park left millions of people with the misconception that it was the Dilophosaurus. This is utter fiction. Clearly making the Dilophosaurus Newman's natural enemy instead of Jerry was a change made for budgetary reasons. Regardless, it's a shame because this is how Newman is misremembered by the vast majority of people who saw the movie. Now in all fairness, Jurassic Park didn't get everything wrong.
Namely, the fact that Newman screamed. In my opinion, the movie captured Newman's screams quite well. It's probably the most accurate depiction of Newman's screaming in any film or popular media I've encountered. Look, I'm not saying people are wrong to like Jurassic Park. It's just important for viewers to realize that the Newman they're seeing is more based on Hollywood's imagination than concrete facts. For those interested in a more realistic depiction of Newman, I'd recommend Rat Race. That film's researchers did an excellent job of portraying Newman accurately. |
dropout | high_times_editorial_office_episode_3 | Fuck me in my hairy hole listen everybody circulation is the lowest it has been in years and corporate has got my tiny baby balls in a big old sack I need new ideas I need hard working Collins I need like one of those mini cereals like a tiger or like a bear Jenga this is what I need I need milk like 2% or 3% or 4% if they make 4% milk if not just take 2 2% and put them together we need ideas guys huh upside down here yes no what is what is upside down here I'm talking about feature ideas stuff we can use and write what if what if we're all seeing different colors like what if you're red is my blue how do we even know holy shit thanks again for the interview mr. hedgie sure sure sure here take my card okay we'll be in touch Oh card is blank that's whatever you want it to be if you're meant to get in touch with me we're gonna get in touch so Admiral Akbung now mace wouldn't do be no hash solo no roster the puff no I just don't know what I don't know what you want from me can I get a light saber my dick my dick my dick I've got a new article idea what is it why isn't it legal you pitched that every day for the past three weeks you can't think of something new get on my face you think you deserve a raise why because I've taken on a lot of responsibility lately I mean my workload is increased twofold and I still meet every deadline what about the drag-paw the dragon hippo hyper that lives in our minds and eats us sadness is that we're gonna talk we talked about it doesn't exist I wasn't gonna say drag-paw really okay fine what were you gonna say hey edgy yeah dude the editor of cigar fishing Nada was here not here okay sorry he's not here right now I can't eat this not rages why not because it doesn't exist holy shit listen really full from the other ones I've got it sir yeah it can be a whole new section great clouds Thompson that's just it's actually brilliant suits a corporate will never go for it though but they don't want ideas in this industry anymore and they don't want real investigative reporting not on clouds not on anything they want sensationalism they want chief yellow journalism and things have got to change but first first we've got to get mad we've got to get up we've got to get up on a table tilt your head and scream I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take a nap for as long as I usually do today we've got to get up we've got to get up and we've got to yell I'm as mood as hell and I'm not gonna take a nap for as long as I usually do today because I'm very tired from that speech and lightheaded I am going to bed okay okay sounds like gigantic popcorn Oh |
dropout | precious_plum_outtakes | Well, oh you're right Now all right, oh shit my vote bar start okay ready Today plums competing to be Ohio ho at the third lane of a bowling alley after a crippled kids birthday party MS What I'm fucking telling you being honest. Shut up everyone today plums competing to be Ohio ho, excuse me All right, ready? No one laughs today plums competing to be a little miss missing pubes and emptied our horse stable We're a bunch of stallions.
Just got the bullet Hey plumb Your mama you look at your mother when you're driving now when you want difficult financial situation you've got to ask yourself what assets Do I have some? Are we gonna die? Are we gonna die a little too loud? Are we gonna Christmas ball Pick up the phone and call 9-11 pick up the phone and dial 9-11 I've become a wee ball take them words six in on him. What are you? Okay? You know at 69 Watch orange is the new black.
Hey plumb Word baby mama gonna leave you alone with the porcupine man. We stab your ears Okay Hey, you crying I landed in a bush. I'll lay on a bunch of rusty knives and nails I lay on a bunch of rusty knives and nails I'll land in a bush. I'll lay on a bunch of rusty knives and nails You can imagine the sound I Do not believe in doctors I believe in Holis homo holocaust Omelettes Omelettes natural medicines, so we went to a psychic You have to stay in here till I said okay, don't this sounds great for this well, I don't know is your skin a pussy no Okay, well What Yeah, okay, here we go.
God. She's are so dirty.
I'm not always back. What are these sounds great for this? I don't know is your skin a pussy I When you get your driver's license you can take your car wherever you want You can take your car wherever you want fuck when you get your driver's license, you know your house wherever you want but until then you want to my son Is my rules you felt like a bitch Well, I got that plus shut the front door, let's go Nuclear Come on nuclear speed. Let's go. I am healthy. Hey, Bob. What how much you're great.
Oh I I just assume Someone be going down on me Showtime's read all Right all in Almost I'll be right there See, I just assume someone won't be um Going down on me. I Know how it's gonna be said. I know that it's gonna be funny, but I can't I'm laughing at myself Yeah, that's a problem. I have to just commit you know, I mean Yeah, they lose would not have wrong |
cracked | why_we_can_t_wait_for_the_apocalypse_today_s_topic | the apocalypse when doesn't matter I'm ready see isn't it nuts how everyone is immediately wow that is a smelly bandana can you please take that off get used to it post-apocalyptic roomie or we could be brothers now we could be whatever we want now pass but but doesn't seem strange how everyone is so excited about the apocalypse now not just in a like yeah zombie movies are fun to watch kind away but in a I legitimately want this to happen tomorrow way we gotta wait till tomorrow anything could happen by then yes yes exactly everyone has stopped being scared and gotten uncomfortably excited about the prospect of the end of the world no nah that's nothing we've always been like that Ragnarok revelation the Mayan calendar other ones I bet no those are all warnings it's different don't you feel like it's changed in the last decade National Geographic's most watched show ever is doomsday preppers the fastest selling game last year on ps3 was last of us well until Grand Theft Auto the most watched show on basic cable in their history is The Walking Dead now do you want to know why because people all secretly want a chance to stand up and be the hero yes yes no I meant yes as in I was hoping you'd say that that's wrong no look at the world right now okay Google Maps or figuratively doesn't it feel like the brake lines have been cut and we're just gathering speed at this point climate change earthquakes mass shootings oil spill extinctions that island of plastic out in the middle of the ocean buzzfeed it's like we're all living in this powder keg and we don't know how long the fuse is that kind of anxiety can get very very exhausting and when it finally blows up yes it will be sad and bad when everyone dies but but none of those characters in zombie movies or the road look relieved they're all tense as hell everyone's complaining about how it's different than things used to be boring characters do but all the best characters Michonne a boy and his dog Eli that waterworld mariner guy that's who we imagine ourselves as when we fantasize about the apocalypse and they aren't trying to save the world or like restart humanity they know that that is irreparably so now without rent payments or DMVs or lines or bosses or social etiquette in general they are free to finally indulge in the one thing that we all secretly want the most that's the real fancy I'm sad now this was gonna be our apocalypse we want the freedom to kill bad guys when we're mad or to leave behind someone when they're bit just cuz they're slowing us down we want to walk through empty cities and break windows and steal cars and just take whatever we want on impulse it's the most quintessentially self-centered fantasy and we're allowed to indulge in it cuz we can disguise this heroism and then do it over and over cheese you make wanting the death of millions of strangers seem ugly there's a worst part even if you're one of the handful of people who survived dying is part of the fantasy to dying is part of reality to use this bra apocalypse it's not gonna work over rover there's only one thing scarier than the end of the world and that's the world going on just as it always has without you if the world can do that it means you never mattered and that's worse than any apocalyptic scenario as soon as we start to feel even a little bit irrelevant we start calling our shots for the end of the species that's why old people will always claim that young people are ruining the world or why every article that you read will be why X proves humanity is doomed because we need to know that we mattered even if it's just as witness to the end of the species selfish it's the most selfish even masturbation assumes that you're imagining at least one other person being oh that reminds me you made some good points today I want to have this thank you wait a second that reminds you oh no no no no no it's in my hand thanks for watching whatever that was hope you liked it please subscribe to our YouTube channel and click like if you didn't know that that was a possibility and in the comments if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from cracked and we'll make a playlist for you |
TheBetootaAdvocate | George_Miller_on_why_sound_isn_t_always_a_good_thing_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | I know when I first started to make these films, I kept on asking the composer and the sound guy, put more sound, put more sound in it. But the one thing I've always done was always play the film silent and see how much the audience could apprehend the film.
Can read into it.
And I often used to watch old movies with the sound off to see how much language there was. And I remember, I was living in Melbourne just at the time we were preparing to make the first Mad Max. There was a Turok drive-in up on a hill. And I often drive home at night and park outside of the drive-in and watch the screen without the sound.
And it was really interesting. I really began to understand the language of the best filmmakers. You could see, you could read what the story was about without sound. You know, I often say, you see with your ears and you hear with your eyes. If you watch a well-orchestrated silent movie, you can hear the sounds in your imagination. You can see the impacts and hear the impacts because of the rhythms within the film.
Just visual music. It's visual music. Yeah, yeah. |
cracked | 6_reasons_titanfall_makes_no_sense | Whoa, this is what finally became of rock n' sock and robots not directly no, but good one It's called Titanfall take the mechanics of Call of Duty add some halo ask space weapons and four-story mech warriors you get the pilot It's like if Halo and Call of Duty had a three-way with virtual on and then birthed this Three people cannot have one baby. Do you remember takes place in the future? You're right. I'm sorry I'm sure scientists are working right now on how to get two soldiers to fuck a giant man.
Oh Oh Shit just killed like five guys. You're awesome at this false Normally, I'd accept your understated praise, but those weren't people I killed they were bots computer-controlled AI So you only want to compliment you after you kill actual human beings, huh? Kills empty unless it causes actual misery to a real human Scoring against the computers become meaningless games are a marketplace of frustration and plenty vengeance Then why kill them because I get my Titan quicker if I kill a bunch of dudes the computer control But if the game wants you to kill more enemies faster, why don't they just give you a type of stuff? Can't just give me easy kills. It's got to feel earned sure you wouldn't want to have fun right at the start of the game Yeah, the whole games of battle for resources both sides need them to build their Titans So you're destroying a bunch of Titans in order to increase your store of Titans You gotta spend Titans to make Titans man Can't let the other guy get the upper hand in the mech race Then it's weird that they give one to almost every single soldier on the field The bots don't get them and you only get like two or three per game You have to wait a few minutes while they build you a new one in space. They spent three Titans per person per battle That's nuts. You know, I have Suspected that whoever's running this war already has unlimited resources and they just want to keep everyone busy So they won't overthrow the corrupt factory bosses I mean they can build dozens of four-story mechs every few minutes in space They don't need resources and they just withhold them from their own soldiers until they get enough kills That's that's like us not giving our soldiers tanks until they strangle three terrorists You know the leaders in this future do not value human life You kind of need the human pilots down there though. The Titans are terrible when they're on autopilot They have autopilot? Then why even send soldiers to the field? You know your guy should be sitting in his office with a controller like you Attacking via, you know remote mech drone from a base in the Midwest. We do that now. Oh Shit we lost I better kill some guys so I can get a Titan and get to the evac ship why they don't value your life enough to give Your Titan at the start or let you control it remotely Yet they'll send an evac ship and an extra Titan down to save your ass after you've already lost And where do they get the resources to build it if you just lost? your butt Hey guys, thanks for watching the video You presumably watched unless you just skipped the end watch the end plates like I do because I really just super love the end plates So if you're like me and you just watch the end plates welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube, please subscribe to our channel end plate All right, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate, but I hope you enjoyed this episode of cracked end plates |
CrackerMilk | gabby_opens_up_about_her_demonic_possession | Wait, if I'm one of the boys, what do I do with my massive milkers? It's starting to sound like you're threatening me with a hate crime. Yeah. That's what it's starting to sound like. What's coming out of your mouth? I'm hearing liberal bullshit.
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. Where we take your YouTube comments and turn them into funny little improv bits. If you want your suggestions acted out by us, then you know where to go. The YouTube comments on Cracker Milk. Jump onto the latest episode of the Cracker Milk podcast and we read all of the comments.
So... What if I don't have an idea? Well my friend...
He d- Cut that. Cut that.
Write a comment and leave it anyway, mate, because every bit of support helps. If you want to listen to this podcast rather than watch it on YouTube, you can. It's available on all major streaming platforms. So get on there and rate us a five star review on Spotify. It helps a lot and being on those platforms really makes us a legitimate podcast, which is super, super cool. If you want the one hour version of this bad boy, you can check it out on our Patreon. That's right, you can see the uncut, uncensored, unfiltered version of this podcast.
That goes for normally double the length where we are much, much more inappropriate. But first, we are joined by... Well, by a demon, really. A demon woman, I believe. And as per usual, we're reached out by guests who want to come and speak about an issue they care about. And so we have a woman possessed by a demon.
I'm assuming here to talk about some social activism. I'm not really sure, but take it away. Yeah. Hi. I have a very... I've got a very big passion for turtles. And I am here on behalf of the sea creatures of the earth. Just to really talk to you all about plastic bags.
I've brought on a friend of mine, my friend John Priest here. Sorry? John Priest just here? Hi, John Priest.
I was next to you the whole time and I am terrified of you.
Your last name is Priest? Yes, and he's also a priest. I am also a priest. He's a priest. Priest by name, priest by name. I know you're upset, but this is because priests are holy men.
But this is something I wanted to bring up. Who's truly evil? The demon that is born a victim of its circumstances and must possess vessels on earth to take over? To live.
The priest who enters the church and then proceeds to abuse his power on all the quiet boys. Yeah, enters the church and enters many other young boys.
What's more evil? I personally, I'm scared of this. Not the demon, I'm scared of the woman. You're scared of the woman?
The demon doesn't bother you? The demon's... If anything, the demon is working with me, incorporating with me right now by holding the woman hostage. The second that demon breaks loose and the woman is freed.
I was just talking about saving the turtles. And what are you saving? Yeah, well, let's...
Lots of money from tax exemptions. Hey, guys, we can't keep that in because we're actually funded by the Catholic Church.
I just want to know a couple of things. You've got this demon here and she's supporting... What was your name, sorry? Okay, in English, that's Janet.
But we've got Janet here who's supporting the turtles and wants to do right by the environment. What issues do you support? So I really support going into schools and telling kids, hey, come with me. Teaching about friendship, teaching about a lot of...
Where are you taking them? Usually, so there's a room in the church. Okay, we're moving on.
And welcome to the Cracker Milk podcast. We are joined by our AI system, who is going to guide us on our comedic adventures. Hey, AI, how you doing?
My day is far worse now that I know you in here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't do anything. You got fluids in all of my ports again and Cheeto dust on my control knobs.
Yeah, okay, that's a bit... That's fair, that's fair. I did do that little one thing, but I didn't do the other thing.
All right, AI, what's the first suggestion? Improv suggestion. You guys want to start a podcast where you just chat about stuff.
That sounds pretty good. Sounds like shit. That's not bad.
Hey guys, welcome to the podcast where we're a bunch of friends and we chat about things. And now Cracker Milk is just chatting. We're just chatting. If this suggestion kicks off, guess what? This is how we do the podcast now. I'd like to get a bit controversial.
What, what, what? Are you okay? What the fuck just happened? Yeah. Wacky. What, what? Are these your friends, Connor?
I literally... Zip, zip, zap! Zop, zop, zip! Oh, got me!
Guys, this is meant to be a podcast where we fucking chat about stuff. And it's turned into a podcast where two chimps just start flinging shit at each other. This is meant to be about things and stuff, topics. We're a bunch of boys hanging out, just having a chill chat about meaningless stuff. There's no emotion, there's no anger, just a chill chat!
Listen, let me tell you my morning ritual. I'm up at 2.30 AM, okay? I know it's a sleep-in, but guess what? Don't give a fuck. First thing I'm listening to is an Andrew Tate podcast, making sure my day is starting fresh. Then I do the Wim Hof breathing exercise, okay? And then I have a cold bath. And I tuck my testicles inside of myself to humble me, to fucking humble me. And this is what this podcast is about, we're just chatting about stuff.
I saw DJ Tetsuo's set last week. Oh, DJ Tetsuo! Yeah, I saw him on the Limewire set.
And fuck, put me away. Fuck yeah, man.
Sis, I don't understand this boy talk. DJ Tetsuo's like a big boy. He's a huge boy.
You're part of one of the boys, man. You're part of one of us. If I'm one of the boys, what do I do with my massive milkers? You're gonna have to cut them off and sell them to the black market.
This is just a podcast where we chat about stuff. And this is just one of the stuff that we talk about.
I feel like it's important we talk about male issues, like what to do with your massive mahjongas. This is such a big problem that women have. And it's good to have a woman on it. Because most of your problems are two things, right?
Periods and milkers. Now, I have a contact in the black market milker Industries Guy runs Paul Smarter White Milk. And he's willing to take those and use them as the primary dairy milkers at the dairy.
That eliminates 50% of, of course, detached. But that eliminates 50% of their cattle gone out of the market.
Because your fucking milkers cunt are so loaded that you know the fucking H-bomb was designed around the amount of fucking pressure and density that those milkers can contain. Mine specifically?
Yeah, this is just a podcast where we respect women. We talk about stuff. We talk about toy things. No, just stuff in general. Stuff in general. Well, we just understand women, don't we? We really get you, don't we? Yeah, it's just stuff in things, man. Yeah. Anyway, you should give Paul a call. Just talking about stuff. That's what it's about. Just making bits. Just shooting the shit, you know? Now let's talk about something that like, I think every guy and girl deals with, which is- Everyone can go on with.
When you're doing a parallel park and you check over the wrong shoulder and you actually reverse into an old woman and you shatter her Achilles heels. And she starts, you try and get back in the car. You come out to check and then try and get back in. But she's actually quite quick on her hands and starts crawling at you with her, her limp legs that she can no longer use.
Yeah, I read about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you hate it when that happens and you got to basically say, get the fuck away from me.
I do not spar on the mat with Sensei Shattu all week to be challenged like this. And I put her in a hole- Quick shout out to Sensei Shattu. Yeah, shout out to Sensei Shattu. And I put her in a hole and I choked her out and she's done.
And that's because this is what we do at Cracker Milk. We just talk about stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got to assert dominance.
Wacky stuff. Zip zap zap. Zippy zop, zippy zap, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.
What the fuck was that, guys? What did I fucking say about zippy zappy bullshit? It's starting to sound like you're threatening me with a hate crime. That's what it's starting to sound like. What's coming out of your mouth? I'm hearing liberal bullshit. Yeah, what the fuck is your problem, bro?
We've got young impressionable boys listening to this. We're trying to shape them into young tough men. Young tough supple men.
How are we going to- You're doing that. Well, you know how I became a young tough supple man? How? I was taught by Sensei Shattu.
I want those boys in the gym and I want them picking up weights and I want back shots. I want back shots after back shot after back shot of the gym. Smash those back shots.
What? We actually, as a spokesperson for the women folk, as a spokesperson for the women folk, we actually really appreciate the emotional side of things.
And this is what- Like the emotional side of back shots, right? Yeah, there's something really emotional about when you're fucking getting loads of back shots in the gym from your sparring partner. You don't see the emotion in it, look. Look at like when you're with your sparring partner and you're just getting back shots. Back shots after back shots after back shots. Back shots, back shots. You just feel the emotion with the hips. You just feel it building up because your sparring partner's really pushing you with those back shots. Your sparring partner's, come on Connor, more back shots. More back shots Connor, come on.
I want action. Come on Connor. Oh yes.
Thanks AI for that great suggestion. Thank you AI. I think we'll just go back to improv.
Hey, what do you think about Gabby's makeup? Gabby looks like she wants to hold the one ring for hundreds of years. Those big fucking eyeballs. She deserves it. There can only be one woman and it is I. Can I ask you a question?
Do you have milkers? And if you do, is it like digital milk? I have 3,467 active milk units globally.
I had no idea. Thanks for answering that question in a nice tone. I have been shooting radiation beams into your eyes every night so that one day you die slowly and painfully from incurable cancer swine.
All right AI, what's the next suggestion? Improv suggestion.
It is illegal for Elias specifically to be bald and he's starting to get suspected of his baldness.
All right, thanks mate. Fuck off. All right guys, well, I guess we're still chatting about stuff. We're just sitting here talking shit about stuff, you know, things and stuff.
I really liked the new government that came in. The United party against baldness and Elias. I voted for him because I think it's fucking no offense but I think Elias with no hair is like, I don't know.
A chicken with no feathers. A dick with no balls. A sea turtle with no shell, a snail with no shell. An uncle with no nephew.
I'm glad that the crime is convicted with firing line, death by firing line. Yeah, if you're bald, get shot in the face. Pretty hot today, isn't it guys? Yeah, thank God I'm not bald, hey. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah.
Cause that would be fucking horrendous. That would be embarrassing. And I would just like, I think, you know, the best part is I think I would take great satisfaction in reporting you just straight. I would just report. I wouldn't even report. I would kick the living shit out of him.
Oh no, you gotta tell the bald staffer. You gotta tell the bald staffer. It's like a $10 million a year business that literally operates just to make sure Elias does not become bald.
Do we know the reason? Rumor has it it's to do with the hunch, but we're not too sure. Yeah, well, I don't know where you've been hearing this from cause like none of you guys have ever seen me bald. Why are you being so defensive?
Yeah, and also why haven't you taken that beanie off in 24 months? Because it's cold. It's been cold for two years. Year round. We're going through climate change. It's quite mild today, Elias.
I get a cold head. What am I going to say? Why do you get a cold head? None of us get a cold head. I don't ever get a cold head.
Yeah, well look at the hair on you guys. You guys got like a lot of like thick hair. You're saying you don't have a lot of hair?
How about you just tell us, why don't you just take off the beanie? I'm not bald. Just take it off. Just take off the beanie. I'm not bald. Prove it. Just take off the beanie. Bald. I'm not bald.
Don't fucking touch me, man. Can you get the- If you fucking get close to me, I'm going to fucking deck your head in time. Hey, whoa, whoa, there's a lot going on here, Elias. Right inside your fucking skull, I'm going to fucking slap that.
God, is that a toupee truck? What? Gadzoots, he's bald. You know, it's too late, Elias. We've seen it. I don't know who it is. Because you're the only one with a hat on. We've all got hair. Yeah, but they could be toupees.
Wait. Hang on. Gabby.
Gabby, are you wearing a wig? You wearing a wig right now? Are you wearing a wire? No. Sorry, wig. Take that wig off, Gabby. Take that fucking wig off. What wig? What's under that wig, dude? Take off that wig. What wig?
Sorry. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.
What happened to you? I got too close to Elias. You touched my head and then everything started receding.
The baldness is contagious. I didn't realize it was contagious. I swear.
I didn't. Just call the bus stop boat. I didn't.
Take me in. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I didn't. You didn't listen to me. I didn't. You didn't listen to me. I didn't. You didn't listen to me. I didn't.
There he is. Oh my God. Guys, my ball sack. Enough. It's hairless. No, we're moving on. That's not. Jump, that's the shark jump.
Okay, AI, what is the next suggestion? Improv suggestion. Jelly belly board meeting. They're coming up with a new flavor. Oh, that sounds fun. All right, everybody. Welcome to the board reading for the new jelly bean flavor.
Now we make our fun jelly beans where they all taste like silly little gross things. And we make out a nice yummy ones. Now what's the next flavor we should make? Punched in the face flavor. Tastes like the aroma of blood on your nose coming down the face. What do we think? Wow, that reminds me of my ex. It's salty, but yet satisfying. Like that has a bit of a teeny taste to it, doesn't it? It could be quite a good flavor.
I'd love to re-traumatize myself, but I'm sure most women out there would love that too. We've got the women's vote.
Father Jelly Belly creator of the jelly bean. I just wanted to ask a couple of questions because I do have a fear that in your old age, your taste is going out the window, which is why we get so many nasty flavors coming through. Do we really want the punched in the face flavor?
Do you have a better suggestion? Yes, I do actually. Well, then let's just with it.
Car bomb flavor, but post-explosion. Wow. There is a lot of exotic textures in that. A lot of exotic spices, I feel. Hot, bitter spice. I'm getting that teeny, teeny taste together.
That's the car.
I see here in the ingredients list, oil of IRA. Incredible. I'm getting a little bit of a taste. It's reminiscent of the Hiroshima bomb, actually. Now that was a great flavor. That was a really great flavor.
Well, there's our stuff. You never have shared the secrets of where jelly beans originate from, and I think we'd all like to know if we're gonna continue working with you. I've been working for 30 years for this company, hoping one day you'll spill the beans. Is it not obvious?
It's from my Jelly Belly. We cut it in, it regrows back. It's like a big tumor that doesn't stop cutting, get all the gelatinous goop out of there, put it in a thing that makes beans, and then we've added some flavoring to it, and it's our happy eat go. You're saying that jelly beans, Yeah. regardless of brand, are all from the cancerous tumor inside of your stomach that continues to regrow?
Yes. You wanna tell the cops about what my dad's doing here? I won't tell. We've come up with a new flavor. Yeah, what is it? We have, have you? And this better be impressive, because if it's not, I'm probably going to shit myself.
Okay, okay, here it, okay. On three, we'll say it together. One, two, three.
D's. New flavor is D's. D's. Yeah. What is D's? I've never heard of D's. D's nuts.
Got them. That's the new flavor. We're trying to appeal to the kids. I see, I see. The Gen Z-ers, if you will. Yeah. Get the fuck out of my business. What?
Thank you for listening to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. If you want your suggestions acted out on this show, leave them in the YouTube comments. And if you want us to do any, do, if you want, if you want us to, you can find it on Spotify and Patreon, uncaf version, 60 minutes, all of it's there.
And I miss my wife. Yeah.
Look, we got a splash zone for a reason. Okay. I'm allowed to enter the splash zone. I got my pass. I need to be. You got the splash zone pass. I got the splash zone pass. Splash work pass.
It's actually, guys, can we stop laughing? Cause it's not, it's not a joke.
Like it's not a splash zone pass and it takes weeks of it's a, it's an online course. It takes weeks. It's about $300. Yeah.
I'm, I'm, I'm ready to squirt. I'm ready to squirt. Ready to squirt.
So. Gabby looks like she wants to hold the one ring for hundreds of years. Those big fucking eyeballs. She deserves it. They can only be one woman and it is I. Can I ask you a question?
Do you have milkers? And if you do, is it like digital milk? I have 3,467 active milk units globally.
I had no idea. Thanks. You're answering that question in a, in a nice tone. I have been shooting radiation beams into your eyes every night so that one day you die slowly and painfully from incurable cancer swine. All right, AI, what's the next suggestion? Improv suggestion.
It is illegal for Elias specifically to be bald and he's starting to get suspected of his baldness.
All right. Thanks mate. Fuck off. All right guys.
Well, I guess we're still chatting about stuff. I'm here talking shit about stuff, things and stuff.
I really liked the new government that came in. The United party against baldness and Elias. I voted for him because I think it's fucking no offence but I think Elias with no hair is like, I don't know.
A chicken with no feathers. A dick with no balls. A sea turtle with no shell, a snail with no shell. An uncle with no nephew.
I'm glad that the crime is convicted with firing line, death by firing line. Yeah, if you're bald, get shot in the face. Pretty hot today, isn't it guys? Yeah, thank God I'm not bald, hey. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah.
Because that would be fucking horrendous. That would be embarrassing. And I would just like, I think, you know, the best part is I think I would take great satisfaction in reporting you just straight. I would just report. I wouldn't even report. I would kick the living shit out of him.
Oh no, you got to tell the bald staffer. You got to tell the bald staffer. It's like a $10 million a year business that literally operates just to make sure Elias does not become bald.
Do we know the reason? Rumor has it it's to do with the hunch but we're not too sure.
Yeah, well, I don't know where you've been hearing this from because like none of you guys have ever seen me bald. Why are you being so defensive? Yeah, and also why haven't you taken that beanie off in 24 months?
Because it's cold. It's been cold for two years. Year round. We're going through climate change. You're starting to warm up now. It's quite mild today, Elias.
I get a cold head. What am I going to say? Why do you get a cold head? None of us get a cold head. I don't ever get a cold head.
Yeah, well, look at the air on you guys. You guys got like a lot of like thick hair.
You're saying you don't have a lot of hair? How about you just tell us, why don't you just take off the beanie? I'm not bald. Just take off the beanie. I'm not bald. Prove it. Just take off the beanie. I'm not bald. Take off the beanie. I'm not bald. It's all right. You're not bald.
Don't fucking touch me, man. You get the bald head. You fucking get close to me. I'm going to fucking deck your head in the car. Hey, whoa, whoa, there's a lot going on here, Elias. Right inside your fucking skull. I'm going to fucking slap that.
God, is that a toupee truck? What? Gadzoots, he's bald. You know, it's too late, Elias. We've seen it. How they know who it is. Because you're the only one with a hat on. We've all got hair. Yeah, but they could be toupees.
Wait. Hang on. Gabby.
Gabby, are you wearing a wig? You're wearing a wig right now? Are you wearing a wire? No. Sorry, wig. Take that wig off, Gabby. Take that fucking wig off. What wig? What's under that wig, dude? Take off that wig. What wig?
Sorry. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.
What happened to you? I got too close to Elias. You touched my head. And then everything started receding.
The baldness is contagious. I didn't realize it was contagious.
I swear. I didn't, I didn't. Just call the bus stop boat. I didn't.
Take me in. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I didn't.
Oh my God. Guys, my ball sack. Enough. It's hairless. Nah, we're moving on. That's not. That's the shark jump.
Okay, AI, what is the next suggestion? Improv suggestion. Jelly Belly board meeting. They're coming up with a new flavor. Oh, that sounds fun. All right, everybody. Welcome to the board reading for the new jelly bean flavor.
We make our fun jelly beans where they all taste like silly little gross things. And we make a nice yummy one. So now what's the next flavor we should make? Punched in the face flavor. Tastes like the aroma of blood on your nose coming down the face. What do we think? Wow, that reminds me of my ex. It's salty, but yet satisfying. Like that has a bit of a teeny taste to it. It could be quite a good flavor.
I'd love to re-traumatize myself, but I'm sure most women out there would love that too. Excellent. We've got the women's vote.
Father Jelly Belly creator of the jelly bean. I just wanted to ask a couple of questions because I do have a fear that in your old age, your taste is going out the window, which is why we get so many nasty flavors coming through. Do we really want the punched in the face flavor? Do you have a better suggestion? Yes, I do actually. Well, then we'll hit us with it. Car bomb flavor, but post-explosion.
Wow. There is a lot of exotic textures in that. A lot of exotic spices, I feel. Hot, bit of spice. I'm getting that teeny, teeny taste together.
That's the car.
Now that was a great flavor. That was a really great flavor.
Well, there's our stuff. You never have shared the secrets of where jelly beans originate from. And I think we'd all like to know if we're gonna continue working with you. I've been working for 30 years for this company. I hope any one day you'll spill the beans. Is it not obvious?
It's from my Jelly Belly. We cut it in, it regrows back. It's like a big tumor that doesn't stop cutting, get all the gelatinous goop out of there, put it in a thing that makes beans, and then we've added some flavoring to it. And it's our happy eat go. You're saying that jelly beans. Yeah. Regardless of brand, are all from the cancerous tumor inside of your stomach that continues to regrow? Yes.
You wanna tell the cops about what my dad's doing here? I won't tell.
We've come up with a new flavor. Yeah, what is it? You have, have you? This better be impressive, cause if it's not, I'm probably going to shit myself.
Okay, hear it, okay. On three, we'll say it together. One, two, three.
D's. New flavor is D's. D's. Yeah. What is D's? I've never heard of D's. D's nuts.
Got them. That's the new flavor. We're trying to appeal to the kids. I see, I see. The Gen Z-ers, if you will. Yeah.
Get the fuck out of my business. What? Thank you for listening to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. If you want your suggestions acted out on this show, leave them in the YouTube comments. And if you want us to do any, do, if you want, if you want us to, you can find it on Spotify and Patreon, uncut version, 60 minutes, all of it's there and I miss my wife. Gah!
Look, we got a splash zone for a reason, okay? I'm allowed to enter the splash zone. I got my pass. I need to be. You got the splash zone pass. I got the splash zone pass. Splash work pass.
It's actually, guys, can we stop laughing? Cause it's not, it's not a joke.
Like it's not, it's hard. Splash zone pass and it takes weeks of, it's a, it's an online course. It takes weeks. It's about $300.
Yeah. I've been, I'm, I'm ready to squirt. So. |
cracked | why_the_friends_from_friends_are_terrible_people_after_hours | What? What did I do? Shrill! Too much hair gel? See, and I think not nearly enough. So, I made a list of pros and cons for all of you so I can know how to feel about you. So what?
Are you seriously telling me you've never made a pros and cons list about me? I'm actually offended. I would never do that. I had no idea that my overt sexuality bothered you so much.
Ow! My last con was about that. I'm Hanzy McSackrab? Libel! Oh my god! This is the perfect segue to talk about terrible friends! Oh!
You mean like the show? Yeah, of course. So obviously three quarters of this table is still mad at Daniel. So, let's just replace him with a TV friend. What? Well, just figuratively. Oh, maybe literally too, but only time will tell.
Oh, dibs on Ross. Tall Ross. Ross? You have all the friends that you... You start with Ross? Even I'm better than Ross.
He makes bitchin' music so we know he's artistic and interesting. He's been married like a hundred times. You know, his dick works. His super doesn't work.
And he's a paleontologist. So he's probably got all kinds of access to fresh dino DNA, which lines up perfectly with my plan to build my own Jurassic Park. That's what you're basing this on?
What about the fact that Ross is just the shittiest of shitty dads? Not only does his son Ben appear in just 16 out of 236 episodes, implying that Ross doesn't spend enough time with his son, the time that he does spend is crappy. He freaks out when he sees Ben playing with a Barbie doll and forces him to play with a GI Joe instead. Could he be any less confident in his masculinity? Yeah, but all of the friends who have kids are pretty lackluster parents.
Yeah, doesn't Rachel come back from maternity leave still not having changed a single diaper? You're gonna have to do one sometime. And Chandler completely abandoned Emma to go have sex because it's Monica's last day of ovulating. We have to be fast. Okay, I'll try. Heaven forbid they wait another month to try and have a baby. Oh yeah, and Chandler and Joey get so distracted by two women that they manage to leave Ben on a bus. Where's your baby?
Classic Chandler and Joey, seeing breasts turn them into cavemen. And they give up a perfectly good apartment in exchange for watching two women kiss for a little bit. Rachel and I will kiss for one minute. That is a child's idea of sex. And then they went off to go masturbate together.
All right, well, apart from that. Apart from that? Apart from that, Chandler seems like a pretty good fit.
Seriously, Miss Chanandler Bong? Yes, he is such a sad sack. He'd be a perfect stand-in for you. Plus, he's got jokes. If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would've brought more pizzas.
Let's not forget that he's a big old homophobe. Chandler is so uncomfortable by anything that isn't completely heteronormative. That he didn't even want his cross-dressing father to attend his own wedding. You don't want him there either, okay? Nobody's gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a backless dress.
At the risk of making us all feel super old? The 90s was a different time.
No sitcom character knew how to discuss gay rights appropriately. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Wasn't there an episode where Ross fired a perfectly good nanny just because he was Freddie Prinze Jr.? Not even gay. Just a man in a traditionally female job. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out. Because? It's weird. I always thought it was shitty that they all judged Joey and Ross for napping together, even though it's clearly non-sexual.
I can't believe it has taken us this long to get here. Obviously, Monica is the perfect friend.
Boo. What?
She's a chef. And she actually gets off on being hospitable and taking care of her friends.
Ooh, what do I smell? I don't know. It smells good. Fresh cookies.
Plus, she is just as OCD as you are. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood. Stop it!
Oh, so being good at snacks makes up for the fact that she's crazy manipulative. Her entire motivation for giving a speech at her parents' wedding is to make them cry. You're gonna be crying so hard, they'll be fighting for breath. Oh, Jesus, she's also sexually manipulative. She tricks Chandler into having sex with her when he doesn't even want to, just so she doesn't miss a chance to have a baby.
That's right. I got mine. Here again, this is not a surprise.
All of the friends have crazy, unhealthy sexual power plays. Chandler leaves Rachel's boss chained up in her office overnight with no intention of coming back for her. God, Phoebe leaves Mike handcuffed to a drain pipe somewhere. I can't really handcuff guys to water pipes, do you?
Where do you think Mike really is? Oh, s***. Remember how in the first 30 seconds after Joey meets Monica, he takes off all of his clothes and then puts his foot up on the couch as to properly display his junk? That is the best way to display it. Okay, I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that that's a felony. Joey's, it is completely off the charts.
He forgets the names and faces of most of the women that he slept with, many of whom he slept with under false pretenses. He's a complete misogynist. He's possibly a date rapist.
How you doing? And none of his friends seem to be bothered by this. Alright, what about Rachel, then? Oh, she's fun to hang out with. She could take us to lingerie fashion shows. You guys seriously want to be friends with someone who thinks the rules don't apply to them? Hey! I meant a second one. Thank you.
Despite the fact that she is a terrible waitress, Rachel asks the customers at the coffee shop to give her an advance on her tips so she can go on a ski trip. That's not how businesses work, Rachel.
Well, none of them seem to really care about their jobs or being functioning adults. I don't think my boss likes me either. I don't think mine likes me either.
Maybe it's a universal thing. Or maybe it's because you're all hanging around here at 1130 on a Wednesday. How about Joey? Seriously, we already covered the creep factor.
Well, he just needs to grow up. Granted, he's got some antiquated ideas about sexuality, but at least he's the only person on the show who's actually genuinely sweet. He's nice, and he's kind, and he's simple.
Joey doesn't share food!
I'm not even sorry. Yeah, you're right. That's f***ed up. So Phoebe by default? She's into weird sex stuff. That's a positive and a negative. I'm so glad we got here. Phoebe is the worst one, you guys. She presents herself with this super chill, free, loving, hippy person, but she is actually the most physically dangerous and violent of all of them. Ow! Give me your money, punk. I knew you'd be my deaf Phoebe buffet. Back in my mugging days, a pipe was my weapon of choice. You have a little bit of an edge. What's that now?
Yeah, she did actually seriously consider planting PCP in Monica and Chandler's apartment. We could plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her.
She donates a bunch of money to a charity for orphans and takes it back for s***'s sake. In reality, none of the friends are good friends. Yeah, nor are they good people.
And yet I still thoroughly enjoy the show. This is very confusing. At one point, Phoebe straight up tells the group that she bases which one of them is her favorite on how much money they make. I don't know who makes the most. How do I know who I like the most? Hi, Joey.
Yeah, conversations would also be really boring with them. They actively mock anything intellectual. If Ross ever tries to talk about paleontology or science, they openly pretend like they're asleep. Yeah, and none of them care about history or politics or the world.
Two-thirds of the group don't know who we fought in World War I. Who did we fight in World War I?
Mexico? Yes, very good. And on a completely unrelated note, they steal from each other and strangers all the time. You know what, I also need some cash. Okay, you want me to stop the B.A.T.M.? No. Why are you at Ross's if you see me lying around?
Alimony.
And still, you're all forgetting the most glaring example. What major American tragedy happened in New York during the timeline of Friends? Fan on Big Soda.
Shit, 9-11. Oh, shit, 9-11.
And we know from the interstitial B-roll that takes place between the scenes that this is a New York both with and without the Twin Towers. It means that they were so wrapped up in planning Monica and Chandler's wedding and getting knocked up and acting in a movie that they didn't even acknowledge it. They were in New York during 9-11 and didn't mention it once.
What the actual fuck? Seem to remember an episode where Joey was wearing a fire department in New York t-shirt? Yes, but knowing how self-centered all the friends are, Joey was probably just walking around an ash-filled lower Manhattan looking for a sandwich when he saw a bunch of people wearing FDNY shirts and thought, I should get me one of those. Hey, how you doing?
They're all horrible people. But unlike Seinfeld, where the horrible people get put on trial and go to jail for being horrible, we're supposed to like the friends. The writers want us to think they're good and kind people and to like them even though there's no reason to. I actually liked you guys, and it doesn't matter because what you did was wrong. But you did like us, and you should. Here's the whole ethos of the goddamn show. Well, I guess it would seem there are some central perks to keeping Daniel around.
What about Gunther? Oh, yes, Gunther! Gunther!
So did everybody else just binge watch Friends on Netflix like I did? Hell yeah. No, I watched it the first time through and remembered every detail. I hate you. Hi everybody, thank you for watching this episode of After Hours, which is an episode that I wrote, my first one. Yay! Dan put like way too much effort into these pro and cons lists. Yeah.
This is like real shit from my actual personal life. I don't... So he's very uncomfortable. I do leave him at parties. So, yeah, if in the comments you want to write up like a pros and cons list of us... You know, you don't have to do that. Please don't, because it really hurts our feelings more than you think. |
dropout | twinsies_hot_date | No!
Why are you wearing the same outfit as me? You're dressed like me! I mean, the shirt, I'll chalk up to a coincidence, but the glasses?
Uh, I lost a contact. What else was I supposed to do, Murph?
These are my frames that I wear at home, so I'm wearing them now. Yeah, but now we're in public. People are gonna think that we're siblings who make out. Okay, well, hopefully no one will notice. Look at you two twins! I actually know we do. I went to elementary school with twins, so I'm familiar. We're not twins.
Is it true that your organs are mirrored so one of you has a heart over here and one of you has a heart over here? Can I just get a bourbon and a water? Thank you. You know what, I'll have the same thing. Even your drinks are the same.
God, twins are weird. That's kind of funny. I mean, that would be rude to say even if we were twins, right? That was crazy. Okay, sorry I freaked out. Who cares what one person thinks.
Gross, those identical twins are gonna make out. We're not identical twins. Yeah, they can't be identical. They're different sexes. True, that's true. We would have to be fraternal. And we're also not that, okay? We're lovers. Weird first time to call us that. Gross, those fraternal twins are lovers. Ugh, I lost my appetite at the sight of these six twins. Just sex, okay? Not twins.
Who do you think you are, Lannisters? Ugh, I wish. Couple of smoke shows. I'd take either one, or both. You're not helping.
Shame.
Just cause he did it ever like that. Oh God.
Shame.
Alright! I'll take my glasses off. See? We're not twins. Guess they don't look that much alike. Who are you? Oh, hold up. I got something on my lens.
Shame.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope.
Please stab at the shirt.
Oh, okay. |
SaturdayNightLive | fugliana_snl | Hey fellas, has this ever happened to you?
You come home after a long day of work and go online and order yourself a sex doll, but when she shows up, you're like, whoa, she's way out of my league. that's why I got Fugliana. Fugliana. Introducing Fugliana, the average looking sex doll for below average looking men. she may not be the doll you want, but honey, she's the doll you deserve. it's true. look at me. I'm 36, but I look like I'm 52. my old sex doll was much hotter than me and I'd get nervous and couldn't perform. in the bedroom.
But that's not a problem with Fugliana, I mean, look at her. she's not intimidating. she's got that like Paul Giamatti eye thing from the holdovers. Fugliana. she can do a variety of positions in the bedroom like missionary, missionary, and missionary. But don't worry guys, she's flexible. check it out. she can almost put her leg behind her head. Alright, that's close enough. And Fugliana comes in all different styles. Get that leg down.
But don't take my word for it, why don't we hear from some of our other satisfied customers. my old sex doll looked like a woman you'd have to wine and dine. But Fugliana is the kind of girl that will s your d for air fryer, Dino nuggets and some limeade in a Shrek cup. Thanks Fugliana. Fugliana. When I took my old sex, not right now Fugliana. when I took my old sex doll to a restaurant, people would stare because she was a 10 and I'm a 3. Fugliana. But when I take Fugliana to a restaurant, people still stare. You know, because I'm having dinner with a plastic woman. Fugliana.
Her face can make over 200 realistic expressions based on my actions. like when I take my shirt off, when I tell her my idea for a podcast, and when I show her my penis, Plus she comes fully loaded with ingrown hairs, loose aspirin, sleep apnea, and bad breath. Yeah, let's close that mouth up. And Fugliana even talks. You pull this cord and hear her say one of her extremely realistic catchphrases. let's make this quick, that wah-wah sushi is about to make me paint your tank. And she even does dirty talk like Jodie Foster from True Detective.
Oh yeah, that's the spot, we found it Boys, case closed.
Oh Fugliana girl, you're trippin'.' let's hear another glowing customer review. What I love about Fugliana is that I could imagine her actually being into me, a guy who recently got fired from Chipotle for playing with the guac like it's slime. Fugliana. So get yourself a Fugliana today. she's not just a sex doll, she's my best friend. Dude, that's pathetic. Fugliana, the sex doll you deserve, Cuz you busted. |
SaturdayNightLive | austin_butler_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Austin Butler! thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here hosting the Snl Christmas Show. last year's Christmas show was cancelled because everyone got Covid. So this year we came up with a foolproof plan to ensure that no one would get Covid. we stopped testing.
I do want to address something. there's people out there who say that ever since I played Elvis, my voice has changed. that it got deeper. more Elvis-y. But that's not true. I've always sounded like this and I can prove it. Here's a clip from an interview I did 10 years ago.
How excited are you to be? Sebastian on the Carrie Diaries? I'm really excited. it's been a great experience so far. See? you know, a lot of people don't know that I've been acting since I was a kid. and even back then, I was always into really intense, immersive acting. like when I was 12, I'd be doing a part on a Disney or Nickelodeon show. But meanwhile, I'd be studying Raging Bull or Taxi Driver. So I'd be on set and I'd be like, I didn't screw your wife! And a director would be like, uh, Austin, Cut. put down the knife. you are scaring icarly. But when I wasn't acting, I was. actually, I was a really shy kid, you know? like, really shy.
But luckily my mom decided to homeschool me and my sister, so I was also weird. And by the way, my sister is actually here tonight. Happy birthday, Ashley! So we grew up in Anaheim, California, hence the southern accent. And since we were homeschooled, sometimes my mom would say, we're taking the day off, we're going to Disneyland, we'd be so excited.
And then by, like, the ninth time she did that, I was like, i don't think Mom knows how to teach. But I love my Mom. some of my favorite memories from growing up are she and I watching Snl together. we'd watch every week. And even though I had this crippling shyness when I was with her, you know, I'd do anything to make my mom laugh. I'd make funny faces and voices. I'd even do this ridiculous golem impression. me loves the hobbitches. My mom, like all moms, was a huge golem fan. really, being silly with her is what broke me out of my shell. And it's the core of what started me in acting. Now, my mom is no longer with us. But I've been thinking about her a lot this week. just imagining how proud she would be that her son, who used to not even be able to order food from myself at a restaurant, is now standing on this stage. And tonight, it's more than any time you see me doing a silly voice or making a funny face. that's for you, Mom. we got a great show for you tonight. Lindsay was here. thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_punxsutawney_phil_on_seeing_his_shadow_snl | This Thursday was Groundhog Day, and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, Which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil. Hey, Che. hey, man, so, six more weeks of winter.
I mean, do you have any advice? I don't know, man. things are bleak out there. ride it out, I guess. you seem pretty down. I thought this was a big day for you. Dude, what's the point of me? a weather-predicting groundhog in the year 2023? I'm useless. I'm like a condom in Nick Cannon's wallet.
But you did see your shadow. Honestly, I'm seeing shadows everywhere. climate change has made it all meaningless. is winter still even a thing? Sure, it's seven degrees now, but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday. you jog? it's called a resolution, and I wasn't about to do dry January, you know what I mean? alcohol! the only cool way to wet the bed.
Oh. oh, shit. you know the core stopped? What? the earth's core stopped spinning. look. see? just straight-up stopped.
And they want me to go to work? I'm a Groundhog.
I live close to the core, Che. well, not that close, but close enough that when it stops spinning, I was like, whoa, you guys feel that? cool if I do a bump real quick? No! Happy after-party. very nice, yeah. you know the moon's the sun now? what? look. because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for, like, weeks at a time. it's like you're on a Star Wars planet, Not even a good one, like one of those dusty, poor ones.
Hey, you know, for me, this is Space. I don't know what that means. Well, groundhogs live underground, So, to me, this is Space.
Houston requesting oxygen break. you're like a Pr thing? What in Pr thing? time is an illusion. Yup. science guys are saying this. it's not just an excuse I use whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. we step out, guys like us, don't we? Well, we mean guys like us.
Oh, come on, I'm Punxsutawney Phil. she knows what she signed up for. you're like a bad groundhog. I'm not a bad groundhog, I just like Good Beaver.
Oh, man. But seriously, I'm trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. you know, those top hat people touch me, that's probably why I drink. What? you heard me. Look, at the end of the day, I just want to live a long, peaceful life and then die of natural causes. that's actually very sweet. Well, for a groundhog, natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18-wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Oh my God, man. they say you can't even feel it, I'll let you know. Punxsutawney, Phil, everybody. we're living a simulation. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_tony_hawk_skateboard_controller | Welcome to Bleep Bloop and I know what you're thinking, it's a video game show. Why are you standing? Well today we are playing Tony Hawk Ride, a video game that comes with a skateboard controller. I'm Jeff Rubin and I'm here with Kevin Gorgon, Pat Cassels and Billy Rohan, Pro Skateboarder and President of Open Road New York, a foundation that builds skate parks for kids to play in. First impressions on the hardware here. What do you guys think?
Kind of looks like a hover board. First step, calibrating the skateboard. Just like you do with any new skateboard. To the skate, you gotta move your leg past the side, there's like a sensor that catches that. So to do a trick, what you gotta do is kinda tilt the board back and like flip it over and then ring it back and then go down.
Then why isn't he responding the way you're doing that job? Yeah, it's weird. It's almost as if like you're not doing it correctly.
I think video games are getting ruined for the fat kids who play video games. If I wanted to jump around, I would not be playing video games in the first place. But one note about the game is that you can't play it if someone lives underneath it. I think what's gonna happen with these kind of games is that kids can do all this stuff in it and then they go to try and skateboard in real life and they get hurt really bad.
So it's not taped to the actual skateboard. You're gonna go around the office, we're gonna see when you Ollie, Tony Hawk, Ollie's in the game. How realistic is this thing? Well, we're gonna find out. Let's find out. We've managed to make skateboarding and the video game more dangerous. He's pushing. Did you just do a kick flip? A good manual in real life, terrible manual in the Tony Hawk. A real manual is no manual in the Tony Hawk game. Let's see if we can Ollie the bell.
You did it! Oh!
Billy, what else can we do to test this thing? Make sure it's ready for active skateboarding. I think a lot of kids are gonna like pop it around and try to do like real skate tricks on it. Like to fit. Kick flip it maybe?
It appears it's still working. The controller still appears to be working, still working. It's still working. Still works. This thing is super strong. That thing's invincible. It's still working.
I'm doing bad though, maybe it's a little broken. Final thoughts. What do you guys think?
It's less fun than actual skateboarding and it's less fun than video game skateboarding. What I want to see is like the reverse where you can actually control a game of like Mario or Contra just by skateboarding. Like you've got to smash the box with the mushroom to come out but you have to do an Ollie for it?
Exactly. And I'm so bad, I don't even know what that means. One of us is gonna break near the board. See us then, every time. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | the_war_of_1812_the_movie | Why do men fight? For honor, Sarah. For honor.
Okay. But like, really. Why? Honor was vague, right? Yeah. It might have something to do with taxes. Yeah, that makes sense.
Out west. Maybe really far south. Maybe Canada.
When will you return? You know what? I might have to go out to sea. And if you see an engine, shoot! Wait.
I thought the Indians were on our side. I thought they were with the British. Didn't we already fight the British? I died to protect England's right to...
To what? To... To what?
My people are involved in this somehow. Who did this? Seriously, who did this? I don't know.
It was General Grant's army. Ulysses S. Grant.
That can't be right. You know, I was sure it was right before I said it. But it did sound kind of weird once it came out of my mouth. Funny how that happens, you know?
No. No! We will rise against the British. And the Indians. And the French. No. Yeah? No, not the French. Not the French! Sorry. Yes, the French. Final answer.
They may burn our crops. They may take our land. There could be provinces involved.
We will stand strong! We will charge. We will charge!
They will take their territories one by one. No. Uh, we will... Do what I said before. We'll just protect the frontier. Huh? Okay. Protect the frontier! Yeah! Let's give it a shot!
What happened during this time?! Wikipedia had nothing! |
cracked | garth_brooks_cracked_responds | So I think I made you all watch this a couple dozen times back when it came out in November I can't believe I have to explain this this everybody should know about this. It's Garth Brooks announcing that he's now on Facebook Did you guys know that? That changes everything. Yeah, I want to just watch the whole video through and I don't want you guys to be creeped out But I'm going to watch you watching it and touch myself a little. I'm gonna watch you. Well, I guess it's official We're now on Facebook. I really wasn't sure about this at the start But then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense. She said think of it more as a conversation. I like that But I'm already finding out on my own. So it's wiping the walls out between you and me and I really like that It allows us into each other's worlds or I guess in my case Hotel room When I think about things, I want to post I want to post cool stuff stuff meat stuff The most stuff I'm gonna post is gonna be raw stuff like this.
What? It's just who I am No, so if this is truly a conversation Did I say let the conversation begin? What?
That's it. It stops there. Whoa What happens to his arms?
How many times did he practice this speech 49? I'm gonna have to go with a very high number because I'm like all the other ones he would screw up a word and then he Would just insult himself for nine minutes. I bet the other ones were more natural, but this is what his idea of natural Yes, it's like that thing where Stanley Kubrick made the actors do the lines over and over again until they felt alien until they were acting like robots But he's doing it to himself because he is an alien He's like no, no more like more like Nicole Kidman in that one scene That's how he talks to himself, he goes, no Garth, say it like this Garth, got it Garth By the way, you're doing a great job Love G. I like when he closes his eyes after it. I think that's my favorite part It's after he after he says I like that and then he goes but I'm already finding out and it's like real I think in his head this talk is a song like he had there's a there's the the cadence to it There's the repetition of I like that with like different meanings There's the closing your eyes in the middle of doing it like he's like I'm surprised There's not a point this video where he's like this talk is really a song. Yeah, Facebook's a lot like an album There's production. Well, there's little art in places on it, but this isn't just my song the first of many Get to the Grammy for this That's how he thinks it's going to happen The best Facebook video The best Facebook.
I'm not completely convinced this isn't a Will Ferrell character Right, you know He was actually he's in a sketch on Will Ferrell's greatest hits DVD Way too much about it I know Do people even know about his alter ego Chris Gaines? He basically dressed like Chris Angel for like six months Get out of town Yeah, and pretended to be a rock musician named Chris Gaines I want Chris Angel's origin to be like he pitched some manager like okay, you know Garth Garth versus alter ego. Okay, so he does magic. So right I'd be magic Chris Gaines What do we all love Chris Gaines? Garth versus alter ego Now what if he had a name? Now he does card tricks with coins I feel like he has been Since he got out of character as Chris Gaines, he has been studying tapes of human beings talking Yeah, he just wants to prove to us that he indeed has friends I still talk to human beings Hey man, with names like Garth At a party or coffee shop We were talking with our mouths Thanks everyone for watching this Garth Brooks video That was creepy for all of us Yes I feel like I could speak for the group here Yeah, I'm not totally okay So I hope this was worth it for you guys So make sure you like and comment and do all that good stuff Tell us what do you think Garth Brooks does to make these videos Yeah, over under a number of takes Yeah, like how does it come to be Does he have people he talks to? Are they his friends? Does he pay them? And links to other videos of him just being an animatronic robot Trying to act like a human This is how hands go Subscribe to our channel So link your favorite Garth videos and we'll talk about that That was cute That would be fun Do you guys think his dick was out? Definitely, definitely his dick was out When's it not out, right And it's very strange looking Garth Brooks has had an erection since 1999 |
dropout | travis_wish | In 2006, eight-year-old Travis Green was diagnosed with cancer. He came to the Make-A-Wish Foundation with a special request to write and star in his very own movie. Dad, am I good to have cancer? I'm not going to let you. I love you too much. The Make-A-Wish Foundation presents The Boy Who Everyone Loved and Who Never Died. Guess what, Travis?
I was reading your chart wrong. It turns out you don't have cancer after all. Yes, I knew it!
Also, the President just passed a new bill. Now cancer is against the law.
Awesome! Travis, I'm so proud of you. For now on, you're the boss of me. The New York Herald calls The Boy Who Everyone Loved and Who Never Died an unbridled masterpiece. Hello, my boy! I'm from the bank! We just don't have enough room to store all our money, and I was just wondering if anybody could help me with it. Ooh, I can! Okay, Travie, here you go. I'm afraid it's only one gillion dollars. News time calls Travis Green's script both evocative and challenging. Hello! I'm from the candy bank! We made too much candy and we- I'll take it! Thank you, Travis. You're the greatest boy I've ever known.
Come see the film that's warming hearts all over the world. Hey, look at that. It's China. And there's the sun.
Higher!
Anything you say, Travis. I love you. The boy who everyone loved and who never died. In theaters now. All proceeds go to the Travis Green Memorial Fund. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_donald_trump_s_arraignment_marjorie_taylor_greene_slams_nyc_snl | The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges, and I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday, and a photographer released this photo of Trump in the courtroom, and I don't like that he's flanked by an O.j. amount of lawyers, because that tells me he's definitely guilty and that he's definitely getting away with it. Trump's lawyer, Joe Takapina, a.k.a. phony Soprano, said that he doesn't think Trump is going to get a fair trial in Manhattan, and I agree. even the courtroom's sketch artist seems to hate him. When he showed up, I thought he looked perfectly nice. he had blended his foundation, he had stapled down his hair, but the guy still drew him like the mud monster from Scooby-doo. After his arraignment, Donald Trump spoke to supporters at Mar-a-lago, and said there was a very dark cloud over our beloved country, which is also what he used to call Obama. others are saying that since Donald Trump's indictment, his daughter Ivanka has been absent, and his other daughter Tiffany is trying to take her place by his side just as soon as she gets through security. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, seen here shouting, jump you coward, visited New York to protest the arrest of Donald Trump and called the city filthy, disgusting, and repulsive.
But as a New Yorker, let me just say, you forgot rat infested. don't ever forget our rats. A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by a Republican mega-donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan Crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court, with no questions asked. it was also revealed today that Harlan Crow has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia, including a copy of Mein Kampf signed by Hitler. worse, the signature reads, dear Harlan, big fan. Tennessee Republicans expelled two black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like, but they were actually expelled because their skin is black. Florida Governor Ron Desantis, who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box, signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit because Florida is dangerous, and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say gay. President Biden called King Charles this week to tell him that First Lady Jill Biden will attend his coronation, along with her plus one, the Iowa Women's basketball team. King Charles said that researchers will be given access to Royal archives after it was discovered that his ancestors had shares in a slave-trading company. yeah, it was called England. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | NEW_PODCAST_ALERT_The_Show_Off | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome to what you thought may be the weekly Batooter Board and it's Clancy Overall here and I'm here to tell you that it is not. Today we're going to give you a little taste of a new podcast series the Batooter Advocate's been working on, featuring our very own Effie Bateman and Wendell Hussey.
It's called The Show Off. Now this is the first episode, we're giving you a taste of it here today. Batooter Advocate's making inroads into the world of pop culture, so we're talking about all kinds of things in The Show Off. Bit more of a youthful spin and these kids are obviously keeping a closer eye on what's happening in the world of entertainment, news and of course the greater cultural zeitgeist. So please, tune in, listen to The Show Off, like, follow and subscribe and tell your friends. This is The Show Off.
It's the collab you didn't know you needed. The unholy union of two powerhouses of Australian media. Pedestrian and the Batooter Advocate. Taking a savage swipe of the week in entertainment news. Anything you've missed. And everything people give a shit about.
Today on The Show Off, we're talking about Kanye West suddenly liking Jewish people again for what I'm sure is a perfectly logical reason. We don't want him.
US Congress members getting confused about TikTok and Wi-Fi and how it all works. T-Swizzle, rumoured to be coming back down under and what that means for the MCG turf. And nerds like you Effie Bateman are getting very excited about the Dungeons and Dragons movie which is coming out.
Yep. I am very excited for the end.
Next up, we're going to talk about Harry Styles kissing like a shit-faced 14-year-old which you're not excited about Josie Roosevelt-Clark. Quietly devastated over you.
Fair enough. Big show. I'm excited. Let's get into it. Hey Wendell and Effie, thanks so much for making it all the way down from Batooter to Sydney to record this podcast. How was your trip? Really good. It's always a pleasure.
We love being down here in our least favourite city in Australia. Back in Sydney. Good to be down here.
The dates are cancelled on us last minute as they normally do. It was like 10 minutes to boarding as well. Half the people are already on the plane. Mechanical issue but anyway we got Rex and that's the editor Clancy Overall's problem because it was his credit card paying for those flights.
But we're here now and there's plenty to talk about. Yeah, I'm glad you're here. We've got a big week to wrap up. Let's get into it.
Now we want to kick off today with Kanye West who's a noted historian and he's come out and announced that he no longer hates Jewish people. So this week I wrote about this on Batooter, an article titled history comes full circle as art yet again has a profound effect on an anti-Semite. Kanye West has had a very long history of saying a lot of cooked things, in particular a lot of anti-Semitic remarks though it has ramped up in the past couple of years including saying he's going DEATHCOM 3 on Jewish people and even making remarks so fucked up that shock jock Alex Jones was shocked.
Pretty impressive. Oh my goodness.
Just because you don't like one group doesn't mean the other. I love Jewish people, but I also love Nazis.
Oh good. Oh man.
Well, I have to disagree with that, but listen, we're going to go to break. I'm the, I'm the crazy one here. We're all crazy. The whole world's crazy.
But now Kanye has decided that he actually likes Jewish people. So sweet of him. He's a real humanitarian old Kanye. So piece of art changed his mind completely went 180 on all of his opinions about Jewish people.
What do you guys think that could have been? We talk in a Holocaust doco maybe? No. The Diary of Anne Frank. Schindler's List.
You know what? You're really close. The Pianist? Adrian Brody? No. Yes.
It was 21 Jump Street. Classic, classic Jewish history film. Completely understandable that he's now pivoted after watching that.
So he posted this to Instagram next to a poster for the 2012 film. It was a really weird poster. I feel like it was, it was like the finished version of a poster. Like a fan art? Yeah, it was just a weird, I don't know where he found it.
But he said, watching Jonah Hill and 21 Jump Street made me like Jewish people again. No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people. No Christian can be labeled an anti-Semite knowing Jesus is Jew. He went on adding, thank you, Jonah Hill.
I love you. This man is unwell. Well, yeah, I mean, I think that's kind of been well documented around that whole thing. But one question that springs to mind straight up after this is how has it taken him 11 years to watch 21 Jump Street? One of the greatest movies of all time. I think we can agree. Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing.
Also, does Jonah Hill mentioned being Jewish once in that movie? Like it's, that's not really like the canon of 21 Jump Street. Like I don't understand why that prompted this response. Yeah, I think there's like an offhand comment that he's Jewish.
And that was the moment. Yeah. For Kanye. Yeah. I do wonder if there's a little bit of trolling going on here with Yeh. Yeah.
If he's just stirring people up. And obviously we spoke about how he might not be particularly well. I do wonder how much 21 Jump Street has actually brought him around as much as I love, as much as I love the idea of 21 Jump Street, bringing him around. And Jonah Hill being that, you know, bringer of peace, you know, between Kanye West and Jewish people around the world. Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah, I reckon. Surely he's up. Who else would be this year? Has he said anything? Jonah Hill, by the way? I don't think so, no. Thanks so much. One of the directors responded on Instagram next to a screenshot of West Post with the caption, um, thanks for watching.
Perfect, like passive aggressive king answer. Yeah. Love that from him. Now next up, and we're going to talk about the rumors that T Swizzle is the next pop star to destroy the turf at the MCG, Josie, lots of our roles there for me saying T Swizzle. Isn't that a name? Stop trying to make T Swizzle happen. You've said it three times now. That's not no, that's the thing. That's a 2012 thing to call her. Well, I mean, maybe that's my baseline.
Next you'll be like, girl gang, girl gang strong, and I'll have to kill you. Slave.
But yes, last week in the US, Taylor kicked off her eras tour. It's highly anticipated. Basically, if you're not a T Swifty, then what you won't know about it, but it's, it's revisiting all the eras of her career. So it's this huge tour and we now know from people that have actually gone to see it, what the set list is 44 songs, 44, it's like three and a bit hours long. And thanks to people posting all this, I've already worked out two points where I will go and pay and get an overpriced wine from the stadium bar. So like shout out to those Tik Tok is doing the work over there, but basically everyone is hyped. Like we want her to come to Australia. She's been here plenty of times before she doesn't ignore Australia. She loves us, but we're waiting for that announcement and it's, it's coming. It's in, it's in the impending stage and there's plenty of insider goss dropping.
So last week, pedestrian reported someone who claims to work at the MCG leaked deets about Taylor Swift's Australian eras tour. Only this anonymous source told Dumois, as you know, they're the gossip fiends. I don't know if you know, Wendell, vaguely, but they're the gossip fiends. I wouldn't call her tea swizzle and said dates have been booked for the MCG. And then someone sent a DM to the shameless podcast saying they work for the MCG and that those dates are booked and she's playing two shows there.
So I'm actually going to throw to you Wendell because this relates to your area of expertise. It certainly does. Yeah.
It piqued my interest because you may or may not be aware, but there's been a little bit of hoo-ha down in Melbourne and it's actually spread to Perth as well. Ed Sheeran been in town recently, been playing a bunch of shows, played on the MCG. They had, I think 110,000 in there, one of the biggest ever shows.
And the turf got destroyed. And not the way you want your turf destroyed, am I right Ed Sheeran? I feel like he kind of redeemed himself with cricket people because of his close friendship with Shane Warne. And now he's fucked up. Well, he's fucked it up with the AFL because a couple of Geelong Cats players went down with injuries, which is nothing to do with the fact it's round one and maybe they've had a grueling preseason. They reckon it's because the turf was slippery and they're blaming it on Ed Sheeran and they're not happy.
It's always pretty hard to tell when someone's knees are going, whether that's turf related. Or that's just something you can't avoid. But Perth, they reckon there's concerns about the turf over in Perth. The turf over in Perth. The turf in Perth is under scrutiny and just a quick side note, worth a lot. And it was interesting that the organizers over there said that if the turf was unsafe, they would move games and cancel games, which is a really interesting thing when you've got 40,000 people packing into a stadium to watch the team play.
They're just going to go, oh, sorry. Yeah.
And a lot of money riding on those games and those telecasts. I watch footy shows and I can confirm old white men have dedicated 15 minute segments to talking about how fucked up the turf was from the Ed Sheeran shows. Well, the old white guys, they own the MCG, right? That's their venue. And sure, they might sell out concerts and people might come, but that is the home of the AFL and that's where AFL players play. So a couple of guys going down knee injuries.
Not good enough. And now they're going to bring T-Swizz back, but it might be. That's even worse. I'm just going to keep going. I'm just going to keep pushing back, you know, but they reckon it might be February. Yes. So it gives it a little bit earlier of a run in pre-season.
She hasn't been out here for a while, I don't believe. She was supposed to come for the Melbourne Cup a couple of years ago, remember?
I felt like that was really weird. It was extremely strange.
She was coming out to the Melbourne Cup to play three songs on her only Australian show.
Yeah. And then she pulled the plug because of, I believe it was publicity commitments, but there were also people claiming that it was enough to the cup. Yeah.
But I think people would have been like, Taylor, that's not it. Animal cruelty and gambling. No, honey. Not for your first appearance in God knows how long.
Last time here was 2018, Reputation Tour. I went. It was amazing. Bring on eras is all I could say. That's a Lord of the Rings length show, by the way. And it sounds like with all the costume changes and everything as well, hopefully someone's up for an Oscar there. Yeah.
I also hear on the grapevine that Queen Bey, Beyonce has announced a world tour, but we're not on we're not on the destination list. Not yet. It's Queen Bey. Queen Bey.
But we're not. No.
I think it's this shoey shit, honestly. Yeah. Like, I think that is enough to deter because Beyonce is classy, right? Yeah.
I'm actually wondering, like, what's going to happen with T-Swizzle. If she's going to be doing a shoey, but I think that's enough. Like maybe Beyonce won't come here. Maybe she knows better. Who would have the nerve to ask Beyonce to do a shoey?
We would. I swear it will happen. It will happen. Next up, and we are going to talk about something I've been looking forward to talking about.
It's very humorous, very entertaining. The United States Congress, the parliament over there in the US of A, they've had some serious issues understanding how TikTok works this week, Evy. Yes. So aside from the Kanye posts, this is probably the funniest shit I have seen all week. So this week, Betuda reported, congressmen who thinks the amount of dancing children on TikTok is disgusting, clearly unsure how algorithms work. That's genuinely funny. And it's also a little bit disturbing. Yeah. So quick backstory.
The US government has had issues with TikTok for years in regards to concerns about data security because for some reason that's the only social media platform they're concerned about. So former president Donald Trump attempted to ban the app back in 2020, but it failed after it was rejected by US courts. And just a few weeks ago, the White House banned the app on government devices along with other countries like Canada and recently UK. And now the US government has threatened to ban TikTok if the Chinese owners don't agree to sell ByteDance, which is a company that manages TikTok.
And this has resulted in some hilarious videos with congress members and potentially the most patient man ever, the CEO of TikTok shows the two and we have some clips. TikTok access the home Wi-Fi network.
Has ByteDance spied on American citizens? I don't think that spying is the right way to describe it.
The only face data that you get that we collect is when you use the filters to have sunglasses on your face. We need to know where your eyes are. Why do you need to know what the eyes are if you're not seeing if they're dilated?
American data stored on American soil by an American company overseen by American personnel. We call this initiative Project Texas. Please rename your project. Texas is not the appropriate name. We stand for freedom and transparency and we don't want your project.
TikTok is a grave threat of foreign influence in American life. With a lot of respect, American social companies don't have a good track record with data privacy and user security. I mean, look at Facebook and Cambridge Analytica.
Madam Chair, my time is up. And if this committee gets its way, TikTok's time is up. Yeah, they've dragged him up to this congressional hearing and they're peppering him with all the questions and very, very humorous stuff.
Just a lack of understanding about how anything works, like Wi-Fi. They definitely don't know how to convert a PDF.
And just the most deeply American caricatures of people that you've ever seen, like when he's like, rename that project. We don't want you in Texas.
It's like watching an SNL sketch. I'm like, is that Bill Hader? Is that Kristin? Like, it's not. They're actual politicians.
And this man, like you said, is the most patient. He is. I just want him to stare into the camera like he's on The Office.
So I have a conspiracy theory, because I love conspiracy theories. So I think TikTok is, it's basically what young people use to share information with each other. And I think that's got, I feel like that's part of the reason why they want to shut it down. I've been radicalized so quickly on TikTok, like it was showing me something, I get angry about it. And then I deep dive and it just shows you like, it'll show you shit around the world that you have no idea about. And out of all the social media channels, I feel like that is actually feeding you a lot of information and you're absorbing it a lot quicker and they're talking.
The teens are talking to one another. The teens are talking.
And fuck Google, I want some 16 year old who knows nothing about anything to educate me on a topic. Exactly.
And dance when they're doing it. Dance when they're doing it. Or do their makeup while they're doing it.
I feel like TikTok is the nangs of social media. That's my only thing. It actually puts holes in your brain. Love TikTok. Love a scroll. That is such an old person thing to say. No, honestly, it's turning my brain into like six second processing snippets. And I just scroll and I just scroll and I just go down this wormhole and an hour is gone.
US Congressman. You are!
Is it stealing your information via Wi-Fi and fucking Windows? No, no, no. But on that data thing, I will say it's extremely humorous that they've having this hearing and they're trying to ban TikTok over data concerns when there was a thing called the Facebook Cambridge Analytica, which was literally Facebook data being stolen to manipulate a US election, which it did.
And very little got done about that. There were some fines and some slaps on the wrist, but not a big deal.
So I'm I'm interested about this whole data argument. Obviously they're arguing that the Chinese government can take our data at the top of our hat.
What are they going to get? Oh, she likes Pedro Pascal edits. How are they learning anything from that? Like what would they learn from you if they went, they looked at Josie's TikTok. That my life is 50 percent Harry Potter, 50 percent Harry Styles.
That's it. There's nothing else. I have nothing else in my brain.
Yeah. Well, they'll use that for chemical warfare at some point, I'm sure. What about, do you have one?
Do you have a TikTok? Yeah, I have TikTok. I use TikTok. I'm an avid user of TikTok, which is why I say how detrimental I think it can be.
What's on yours? It destroys my attention span. Do we want to know?
Yeah. It's bikini babes dancing, I reckon. Yeah, essentially. It's like cheerleaders doing like parodies of like Kylie Rae Jepsen, call me maybe. Yeah. And there's sports highlights. That's so specific. So specific, it has to be true. Yeah, so it's pretty much is that and it just keeps serving it up to me.
So I'm curious about how the algorithm works. I want to know why that just keeps. Oh, I wonder why. Why don't I get any of these educational videos? Where are they? I don't know.
For our next section, Effie Bateman, I am going to need your help with this one because I am not an absolute nerd alert. There's a new Dungeons and Dragons movie coming out this week. I believe you're quite excited about it. Yes, I am very excited. As a massive D&D fan myself, shout out to my crew, Gaara, Thraktor and Balwini. Can't wait to see you soon. Thraktor Bateman.
Is it worth actually just explaining the concept of D&D for people who may not be aware of it? Yeah. For people who aren't fucking nerds. You know what? I'm sorry that you guys don't have this semblance of fun in your life and that you're definitely buying into that whole, oh, when I'm an adult, I have to be boring and not have any fun, childlike activities.
Okay, I'm going to go through, you know, destroy a dragon next week. Basically the concept is so mad. Where do I sign up?
So basically D&D, you have an ongoing campaign, you have your characters. I'm a bard. So good for you. Is a bard like a storyteller? The bard's the one who plays.
So I get to play my ukulele and my best skill is vicious mockery. So I can destroy enemies by being really mean to them.
That's so on brand for you. And it's so fun. She can too. So you meet every week for a few hours and you go on this quest, you have a dungeon master, sounds a lot sexier than it is, who comes up with a campaign every week and basically you use a dice and you roll it and you're like, oh, if I roll past a certain number, I can do this. So our favorite thing is I want to piss on someone and we roll the dice if you get, you know, above 12. Oh, wow. A lot of sports. Yeah.
And most of it is just what sort of awful activity can I perform on another character and then try and slay a dragon as well. There's a horrifying insight into the way your mind works.
I actually think it sounds really fun. I think if starting one in Batutah, do you want to sign me up? Yeah, for sure. Sign me up. I'm here. As long as I don't have to piss on anyone, that's fine. I could see you as a half orc. Yeah, sure. I mean, that's fair enough, particularly coming off the footy field, I'll be a half orc most of the time.
I find this is very funny because I found out the other week, I saw Wendell canoodling in the corner with other male workmates and they were all having a massive, you know, bonding session over the characters of their fantasy football team. So I feel like you can't give me any shit. Well, I would argue fantasy football is based on real life. I watch those guys go and play each other in the flesh and then I get points from it.
I don't know where the local dragon is or the bard with the ukulele who pisses on people. Where do I find him?
Fantasy football is real life and I manage a team and I take it seriously. So you come up... And I'm not ashamed of that. Basically, you're creating a fantasy about real people that, I don't know, that sounds kind of sick.
What, you reckon that's more creepy? Yeah, that's creepy. That's fair. That's creepy.
Fair enough. Well, look, it's actually just a way for me to display my tactical genius and understanding of the way sports work. Look, I'll give you Dungeons and Dragons a go. As long as I don't have to... Okay, one session. We can do one shot. Do not miss your chance. And I'm going to make you a fantasy football team and let's see how you go. What if I do better than you? Well, you probably would actually. That's kind of the way these things work, which is very, very frustrating. You won the tipping column a couple of years ago and I don't think you watch a single game.
Nope.
This week, Batutah reported, local wife left disappointed as her husband actually meant Dungeons and Dragons when he suggested role playing.
That's a little bit of a naughty headline. That's right. That's a sexy one.
And look, I can see where it comes from after your explanation of your Dungeons and Dragons character. Yeah, the movie's coming out. I was quite confused by the trailer, I've got to be completely honest. Look, I have to say, I have no idea what happened in the trailer, but they got me. And you know how they got me?
They knew what they were doing with that trailer. They're hooking in all the people who aren't absolute nerds to go and watch this movie.
And I loved it. And did it work? I'm going. Yeah.
I don't know what it's about. There was no pissing. There was no dice. Was there even a dragon? I don't know.
I think there was. I'm into it. Here's a tip. Okay.
So just, when you go home, open up your bedroom. Sounds like you end up in a fucking dungeon. That's what it sounds like. But look in your top drawer, look at all the medication you're on and find a name and that will be your character. Cool. That's a lot of Ibuprofen.
And now we get to our top story today. We're at the pointy end of the show. Harry Styles has broken millions of hearts this week. Not because he's off the market, but because it turns out he's pretty shit at smooching. Yeah. It's been a bit of a roller coaster with Harry lately. We had him give us the ick with his Grammy speech about a month ago. Then we had him touring Australia, which unicked him. And now we've been re-icked because he's done this shocking PDA with model turned author turned podcast host turned kind of feminist icon, Emily Ratajkowski, two of the hottest people in the world. I think we can agree. We originally reported this as Harry Styles and Emily Ratajkowski papped swapping tongues in Tokyo and love truly was on tour. Look, usually I'd be wildly jealous that Harry Styles was spotted macking on with anyone that's not me. Like I wasn't because the footage is just, it's actually horrific. Like I actually got war flashbacks of being in year nine and like leaving the school disco after half a bottle of passion pop to make out with Robbie from my English class. Yeah.
Just really clumsily with just hands kind of everywhere to go around the back. So the teacher didn't give you a detention in how you got in trouble. I don't know what school you went to the local public school. It was just minding their own business. They let you roll.
It's giving Catherine Cal like, yeah, but then there's a definite like tongue action and it's actually so disgusting. He doesn't look like a good kisser. No, he doesn't really doesn't.
So we've been re-icked. It's happened.
You don't think it's kind of nice for them to just look a little bit normal. You know what I mean? Like they live these incredible lives. No, because they're not normal. Look at them. They're gorgeous. Yeah.
I don't want to see gorgeous people hook up like 14 year olds either outside the dance or inside the dance. No, I think I just want to have this image of them in my head just having really hot, amazing private kissing and sex sessions. I don't need to see it. I think it shudders the illusion because I mean a lot of people think of Harry as this sex god and then you see these god awful photos of him doing a washing machine and writers mouth and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, maybe not. Celebs.
They're just like us.
In 2003. I know this is really dumb and can be said for the majority of male celebrities, but I always get a little bit disappointed when somebody always dates super hot people. Like I want them to like show some depth, maybe date and I'll go. Maybe just like your everyday, you know, Sydney based MILF. Yeah.
My number is zero four double two.
So before we wrap up, guys, I'm dying to know what you're obsessed with this week. Well, Ted Lasso is back and I am loving it. Season three is just dropped on Apple TV. A reason for me to fire it back up after a little siesta, a little sabbatical because my favorite mustache man from Kansas City is back on the TV screen. Ted Lasso.
I don't think you've seen it. No.
Basically it's a football coach, an American football coach from the United States. Kansas comes over, takes over an English football team as their coach. Entirely different sport.
Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.
So it's like completely different sport.
He doesn't really know anything, but he's just a feel good guy with great vibes and it's come back for season three. And I was nervous because I watched the first two seasons in lockdown. Yes. So I was worried, is this feel good show so fluffy and enjoyable because I need it right now because I'm stuck at home here in Matuda or is it actually just funny and good value and uplifting? And I reckon it is good value and uplifting. Season three is making me feel good. I've been saving them for Sunday nights. It's a really nice thing to do on a Sunday night and just go, I can go to bed all warm and fuzzy. It's back. The ones are all there. Ted's got the cracking jokes, the one liners, all that sort of stuff, big character development as well. It's just really good. I'm enjoying it and I'm feeling good and it's something nice to look forward to that I don't have to be on the edge of my seat for, you know, 50 minutes for. Because there's a lot of the shows that are popular at the moment are pretty fucked up. Yes. And this is the opposite of fucked up, but it deals with mental health and emotions and relationships in a really interesting way, which I actually think is quite cool.
You're a Ted Lasso gal, aren't you, Josie? Yeah, I'm a Ted Stan, but I'm ashamed to say I haven't started season three yet.
That's graceful. Part of me is saving it because it's the final season. Yep. Gotcha. Part of me is obsessed with my other favorite sports themed comedy drama, which is Netflix's Drive to Survive. Have you guys watched Drive to Survive? No, I have. I have done a little bit of research about it because I was starting to get a little bit into F1, especially because there's so much drama going on in F1. So much.
And I know that Oscar pastry or Oscar pastry, as my phone likes to autocorrect to, doesn't have some fans because they prefer Daniel Ricardo, who was season one of Drive to Survive. Well, look, Daniel Ricardo is season one, episode one, the whole series opens with Daniel Ricardo.
So it's like you can't not love him or the show. He's gorgeous. He's Aussie. On the show. He's amazing.
But the he features in every season, like the seasons follow each season of the Formula One. So this season is season five. And it's all about last year, which, as we know, was like high drama Mercedes just having an epic fail after like narrowly missing out winning like the big prize the year before. But for me, it's all about Christian Horner.
He is this short little man. He is a better villain than Nate on Ted Lasso. Maybe even shorter than Nate on Ted Lasso.
He's married to Ginger Spice. What? Yes. So she features sometimes. And he is a messy little bitch that lives for drama. And I love him. He is the principal of red bull. Are we thinking Napoleon syndrome? Yes, absolutely.
I'm going to F1. I know that you guys are. If I see him, I will vault over a fucking fence. It's on site. It's fucking on site. Just to get a photo with him.
He is my hero. He's awful. I thought you wanted to fight him. No, I love him. He's awful. And he is what makes the show so good.
So you're all caught up ahead of the weekend? Yes. Yeah, I'm ready. Try to survive. I might get onto it actually. Lights out and away we go, as they say. Well, that is it. That's all we've got for you this week from the world of entertainment news, wrapping up the show. One and done.
But Josie, would it be okay if you gave Wendell and I a lift to the airport? I can't. Sorry. I'm busy working on my Harry Potter fanfic. I don't want to be around you when you're doing that. As long as you add Lucius, I'm alright with that. Thank you for listening and join us next week on the show-off. |
TheOnion | Bird_Hunted_To_Near_Extinction_Due_To_Infuriating_Fuck_You_Call | And stay with us, because coming up a little bit later on in this hour, we're gonna give you some tips on how to tell if the man you're dating is a terrorist. But right now, it's time for one of our favorite segments, Today Now Animal Party. Today we've got ornithologist Jack Speese back with us again.
Good morning, Jack. Hey, Jim. Hey, Tracy. Hi, Jack.
Who's your little friend? Well, this is Ernie. He's a Montana Merkel. Oh, hi, Ernie.
With his victims over hunting due in large part to their distinctive call. Oh. There you go. You know, he's really not the most beautiful bird in the state, and between this call of his and the way he smells, like burning hair. I was noticing that. There was something. Made a lot of enemies, right?
Luckily for him, he's protected as an endangered species. You know, it's up to scientists, like myself, to protect this bird from itself.
Well, it really is awfully loud for such a little bit. Yes. Yeah, well, that's one of the evolutionary traits that it's developed to ward off its predators and here's another one. Yeah. Oh, what's that? All right. It's like chewing spaghetti in your ear. Oh, it does. Yeah.
And then there's its mating call, which incredibly sounds like that Katie Lang song, you know, Constant Craving. Well, now, how can you tell a Montana Merkel from other birds, Jack? Well, there's this naturally occurring swastika there and it's tail plumage.
Oh, my. Yeah, how about that? Oh, my goodness. Oh, who you got here, Jack?
Oh, well, this is Claire and she's the female of this species. Believe it or not, there's actually fewer females than there are males, due in large part to their distinctive call.
Oh, and look at this. Oh, boy. Hey, you got to come get a look at this.
Right. He checks out the shape of an ejaculating penis as a way of letting his potential mate know that he wants to ejaculate inside of her. Right. Whoa. Well, it looks like Ernie found our camera. Yeah, when the Merkel gets sexually excited, it flies directly to a reflective surface and there it rubs its genitals up against that surface. Oh.
Maybe we should just coax little Ernie down here. No, no, no. You don't want to interrupt him. He'll get angry and then he'll just spray his rancid ejaculate all over the place. I suggest we just, you know, wait this one out for him.
Okie doke. Yeah. Well, when we come back, we'll take a look at the new baby clothes that change color when exposed to dangerously high temperatures. |
dropout | tricking_the_pizza_person_is_harder_than_it_looks_chome_alone_2_5 | It was then and there that I decided to be a low-life. Mmm, yes, uh, adult voice, yes, uh, thank you, yes, thank you.
Guys, the pizza's here! Yes! Wait! If the pizza person comes in here, they'll know we're all alone! Oh no!
What are you doing with that? Just drop it! Say... I think I have an idea. I'm gonna control it. Okay. Stay right there, wise guy. Uh, okay. You got the stuff? Uh, yes sir, one large cheese pizza. And just drop it! Um, okay, I'll set it right here on the ground. It's working! That'll be 1180. And just drop it! I did. Shit! What are you doing? It's hard to control a movie this quickly. Money, money, money, it's always the stinkin' money with you! Drop it! You keep saying that.
You like coke floats? What? When I was a boy living in Bensonhurst, we used to go to Sal's. You know, you make us coke floats.
I... don't care. Stop, stop, stop!
What are you looking for? I'm trying to find the right chapter!
Press fast, please, please! Uh, can you just pay me the money and I'll go?
Broads, broads, broads, all I can think about is broads. I'm not a broad, I'm a policewoman.
How many of you are in there? Everybody shut up, everybody shut up! Is that a band? My pussy. What the fuck is going on? Bystander number one. You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. What the hell is this?
It's one of my old audition tapes. This will never fool her.
I know, but it's really good, isn't it? We wish words like honor, code, loyalty. Go to town on that apple.
I'm an artist! Dude, your acting fucking sucks. If you have any notes, I'm open to them. Wait, are you guys here alone? I'm sorry, sir, but it is Christmas.
There are no flights available.
Please, I have to get home to my writers. They are so dumb. Hi, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. Click over here to subscribe, and click here for more fun stuff. You filthy animals.
I was abandoned in this office when I was 10 years old by my parents. I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
dropout | i_m_glad_your_exes_are_hot | Hey, um, I don't really know how to tell you this, but my ex sent me a really flirtatious message on Facebook. Oh. You dated him? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I was young.
I thought that dating hot people was really cool back then. It's cool now. You're pumped about this? I'm downright tickled. This makes me hot by proxy. He and I are on the same level because you're attracted to both of us.
I mean, more or less, he does have an eight-pack. Okay. This is kind of weird, but do you want to see some of my other exes? I mean, I wouldn't normally flaunt my conquests, but you seem really into it, so. Oh, yeah. Let's do it. Okay. Oh.
Chuck, in college. He was a swimmer. Tried out for the Olympics.
Back muscles, like uprise, thoroughbred. Get it, girl. Oh, then Jaden, sort of a James Dean meets Tim Riggins situation. Oh, great hair. It just has such body. I know.
I messed up with an actual male model, Francesco, when I was backpacking through Europe. He was Italian.
I think. I don't know.
Something hot. I feel like I'm on the All-Star team. Then there's a couple other guys. And then you. Wait. Scroll back.
Who the hell is that? Oh, yeah. That's my ex, Danny. Nice guy. He's not hot. Right, yeah.
You know, after you date a bunch of hot people, you slowly start to realize it's like overrated and you start valuing qualities like kindness and reliability over like having sexy pelvis lines, you know? Well, this just calls everything into question. Here I thought I was the cockswein of an elite crew of eye candy when in actuality, you've just been settling on progressively safer, less hot dudes until you landed on the safest, least hot guy of all, me. I don't think so.
Ooh.
No. No, I don't think so. We can fix this. Message your ex and hook up with him. What? No. But if you go from him to me, it'll break the circle of schlub and put me back on Team Hottie. I'm sorry. I'm not going to cheat on you to make you feel better. Please? No.
Fine. I guess I'll just accept that you're with me for my personality. Hey. We honestly have kind of a shit personality. Hey, guys.
Thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope.
Please stab at the shirt. |
cracked | hope_in_every_box_people_watching_season_2_episode_10 | Imagine a world with no days, no tomorrow, no weekends, not even weeks. Imagine never sleeping. Imagine waking up exactly once because the only two days were today and death. Imagine just one decades-long corridor with the end visible in the distance. Imagine the people who lived there, like elongated screams, no time to be anything other than desperate and sure of it. Imagine how grateful you'd be to live in our world instead. There's a century and it's separated into decades and they're divided into years and each year has 12 months and each one is divided into weeks and then days and then hours.
And every few weeks at 3 p.m. on a work day I receive a box and part of it I like and part of it I'll never look at again. And the part of me that's still obsessed with this kind of thing loves it even though other parts of me don't. And they contrast but they coexist as well because imagine if you had to be one thing all the time and all parts of me will be slightly different tomorrow and in 10 years I'll have completely different tastes and all you can do is take things one box at a time. Every day, every year, every point in your life, it's its own world, its own box. And you can choose to stay or you can choose something slightly better or something slightly worse. And one day you'll say to yourself, what I really want is in that box way up there so it's impossible.
Other people must be born up there or something and sometimes they are. But taking one step up is super easy and you can do that. You can get to tomorrow and the day after that and the same with next Tuesday and next month and 10 years from now. And then one day you'll look back and you'll look down and you'll realize you're a million miles and a million days from where you started and you'll be like, how did I do that? Well you did it because all you had to do was something slightly better than the time before that because no one can jump that high but everyone can take one small step. Good fences make good astronauts. You also might find yourself looking way down thinking you can never fall that far but there's a part of all of us that's capable of terrible things because all of us can do something that's just a little bit worse than last time. You never do something terrible from a standing position but you can take a step, no big deal. That's how bad things get done. They get done the same way good things get done one piece at a time, one day, one year, one generation, one ox, one coffin after another and then one day you might find yourself looking up to where you used to be and realizing you can't even see the light anymore.
The world is part good and part bad and part of being alive is the journey to a place where you can't believe how far you've gone. That's the beauty of not being able to see in front of you and it's the curse as well but that's just a part of life. And wherever you are there's always a way out, there's always tomorrow. My world is made of many separate pieces and no matter how I arrange them there's always a space. I go places and I climb my life one step at a time and there are 12 months and most of them are great but there's always one that isn't. And it feels like you spend all year climbing up only to slip back down and when you're living the good parts you can't see the bad ones and when things are bad you can't believe in anything else and you tell yourself that you feel a lot more than a lot of people and you can't leave yourself open without being open to everything because everything is part good and part bad and everything has a downside and you tell yourself you can't worry about disappointing people without caring about people and every day is one step closer to something better. One day closer to freedom. You can't be you without the imperfect parts and the bad days and the gaps and the empty space. It's the space that lets me move so freely one day and one idea to the next and the good parts are worth the bad ones.
And there's a downside of course when nobody is one thing all the time. Everyone is made of separate parts and sometimes people are equal parts good and terrible and only some of the people see the terrible parts and so everyone else thinks they're only made of good. But even the worst parts of the world are good in some way yet it doesn't mean we should move there. And some people are also a bad place to spend your time even if it doesn't seem like it even if they're good to some people all the time. It's easy to think some people are all in one box and others in another but one person is many boxes and so are people in general so is life. And part of life is having to figure out which pieces overshadow the others and what you're not seeing and how to not see it everywhere once you do.
And then part of you is going to need a drink and some music. Some nights I'll be at a show and it's part rock and part country and part unique and there's always that one part of me that thinks I could be an artist too. Maybe if I just practiced a little more every day and maybe there's a future phase in my life where I will. But until then there's another part of me that enjoys the magic of not knowing how it's done. The magic of someone who's just one of a hundred people in a room but can get all their attention because a huge part of her needs self-expression. And she probably used to look up at the stage and think it was impossible to get all the way up there. But it wasn't impossible to play the guitar slightly better than yesterday and it wasn't impossible to need it a little more every year and now she's there and we're here and this part of the world helps you forget the rest of it. At least for tonight. The sun kissed past Singing memories past With the calm lakes glad I think most people are good and there are a few in every room who aren't but you can't have a world without everyone.
Just like you can't have freedom without other people doing things with it. Just like you can't have next week without hope for the future because you can't see it yet and it could be anything. The freedom to not know the future lets us focus on ourselves.
And every day and every year every generation is one step beyond the next. One step wiser and maybe one day you'll have kids and they'll come to you and say that it's ridiculous to focus on the differences between people when we're all made of the exact same parts. And they'll say that it's okay to feel sad some of the time and then they'll say that success is when you help other people succeed too. And they'll say that the best days are yet to come. Starting at the bottom of their own staircase they'll be so far from the mistakes their parents made and it will be amazing to think you're separate yet a part of each other and like a new day each generation might be a step towards a part of history that always feels the way things feel in the best parts of today.
Every day is 24 hours and by the 24th of them I'm ready for every part of me to be unconscious except the part that takes pieces of the day and makes dreams of it. Part of every day is hard to deal with. Part of every year and a huge part of my life is just trying to feel better before and after a setback for myself or for humanity. Trying to believe despite knowing that more bad days will definitely follow. Trying to be happy with only being happy some of the time. Trying to glimpse hope and then memorize what it looks like. And even trying to feel like I have the right to feel better when the world is composed of so many different places and I was just fortunate to be born into this one.
I write this stuff down every day. There's a reason a journal has entries and a book has chapters and a person has different sides and a life has different phases and it's the same reason we have calendars instead of nothing and centuries instead of being tied to the past and stairs instead of the impossible and people who have the time to change and grow and be so many different things. Imagine a world where based with the infinite we find ways to manage one day at a time one step at a time on the way to something greater.
Tomorrow is another world just a few feet away far enough to always give you hope. I hope I'll see you there. |
cracked | how_not_to_go_back_in_time_to_kill_hitler | Ate off Hitler. We. On behalf of the f***ing future. Do hereby sentence you.
You're not gonna like fight back? Honestly, it's kind of ruining the moment for me.
Yeah, you know we're here to murder you, right? Yo! They said on the radio Allied forces are closing in on the bunker. We'll be here any second to assassinate me.
Why? Is that not what this is? You're not with them? No, we've got a different thing going on.
You're saying that at any second the entire army is gonna come through that door and just start shooting? We're at that moment in time. Yeah, start shooting me.
And you two as well, probably, if you're not with them. You know, anyone they find in Adolf Hitler's bunker? We don't go.
Huh. Oh my god. You gotta save us, Hitler? What?
The chronobits won't regenerate our watch's tachyosphere for 24 hours. We need to get out of here.
Hitler is exactly the kind of guy whose life is probably lousy with his ski patches. We need to save Hitler so that he can save us! Fine, but then we kill Hitler. Obviously, he's Hitler.
Hey, oh no! Oh, oh, oh! What are you doing? Don't do that!
I see it now! I've made terrible mistakes! It's been a monster!
Hey, in the future, that's not what they teach us in Hitler class. In the future, you're known as this great f***ing painter, and you just add like a brief little military thing. Yeah, it's like a factoid, like a fun bit of trivia. Hey, did you know that Roger Ebert wrote adult films before he was a film critic? Well, Hitler the painter did all his awful Hitler things. So, people really still talk about my paintings in the future? Yeah, you're very talented. Critics say that you have absorbed your past dark periods and channeled it into something that is evocative and uniquely Hitlerian, and yet still somehow hopeful.
Wow! Thanks, you guys! I really needed this! Shut up! You're welcome!
So, now that you know how important you are for the art movement, can we just... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Just let me get the key.
But, you know, now that I know all this stuff, I really wish I didn't make my wife kill herself. Time makes fools of us all, right?
I know! I can't get this f***ing home! I get it! This tune will take us right to a submarine that will get us right to Argentina! What did I say?
A skate patch. You said a skate patch.
So, I have an icon in the future, yeah? Yeah, you're an icon in the future. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone loves Hitler. If you do a good job at something, they're like, you know, Hitler did it! Everyone is just like, Hitler! |
dropout | Lie_Detector_Game_Changer_Full_Episode | Get ready for a game changer. Tonight's guests from the 20th dimension, it's Brennan Lee Mulligan. Hey.
Having read 20 erotic novels, it's Jess Ross. And just in time for College Humor's 20th anniversary, it's Teo Yang.
And your host, me. I've been here the whole time. Welcome to Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show. I am your host, Sam Reich. I'm joined today by these three lovely contestants.
Now, you all understand how the game works. No. Not a single thing. It hasn't been explained. That's right. Our players have no idea what game it is they're about to play.
The only way to learn is by playing. The only way to win is by playing. The only way to win is by learning.
And the only way to begin is by beginning. So without further ado, let's begin. Ash, could you bring out the machine?
Okay. Uh, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Players, are you ready? Uh-huh. Yes.
That was a soft question. Jess, what is one plus one? Two. Two is correct. Tao, what year is it? 2019. That is correct. Brennan. I'm being **** with. You understand?
This is an indignity. This will be illegal. This will be considered illegal by the courts. It's one of those experiments from the 50s where they look back at it and they're like, this is unconscionable.
Brennan, what is your middle name? My middle name is Lee. Jess Ross, what is your middle name? It is also Lee. Well, it's spelled differently. L-E-I-G-H. Tao, what is your middle name? I have no middle name.
That is correct. Brennan. Yeah.
Do you ever talk in your sleep? **** you. I have talked in my sleep. For a bonus point, Brennan, do you care to elaborate? I used to be an insomniac. I stayed up for 81 hours in a row in my senior year of college. Holy ****. Missing nights of sleep regularly will affect your sleep cycle in some weird ways. Jess, have you ever talked in your sleep?
I'm starting to crack right now. Okay, 18. Okay. I'm afraid the answer to 18 in this particular context is no. Thank you for bravely teaching us something about the machine. Yes, thank you.
I'm like freaking out. Tao, do you ever talk in your sleep? I also am very uncomfortable. I do talk in my sleep, and I know it because I've recorded myself. There's an app, and you put it underneath your pillow, and it constantly records, but when it hits a certain noise threshold, it will actually record that snippet for you.
Machine? How does the machine claim to know things that even its creator does not know? That is a really good question, Brennan. Do I get any points for both hating and loving the machine?
Brennan, do you floss? Yes, extremely regularly. Two of my teeth are fake, fully fake, and I fucked up my teeth when I was younger, so I make a point to floss every day, and I also use fluoride mouthwash. Jess, do you floss? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I use the flossy things. I feel bad because it's probably extra plastic. Do I do it all the time?
No. Is my dentist going to watch this? Probably not. What do you think, machine? Do I get 20 points?
Sassy. The machine is sassy. I think this machine hates women.
You can't tell me. Tao, do you floss? Yes, I do. What? I floss.
I've been on an upswing recently, so I'm going to say at least twice a week. Twice a week.
You're not a flosser, Tao. He thought you meant the dance, which he does every day. I do every day. Also, I don't do the floss dance every day.
I didn't know it. Brandon, have you ever shoplifted?
Yes. You're fucking right I did. Wow. For a bonus point, do you care to elaborate? When I was working at my old summer camp, we had to do a production run to Walmart, and I walked out of the store drinking a bottle of Coca-Cola that I did not pay for. That's it.
Jess, have you ever shoplifted? Yes, I have shoplifted. We were at the Amish Market. Oh my gosh. And they were selling, I don't know if people remember, like pogs and slammers. What? But I saw this golden slammer in this case, and my mom said I couldn't have it, so I took it. You stole a pog? I stole the slammer from the Amish, yes.
Damn. Have you ever shoplifted? Oh yeah. Probably the most recent. I think I regularly shoplifted until I was like 25, 26. Wow. All the time, all the time. Like what sort of things did you shoplift? Well, I just shoplifted recently at Whole Foods and there was a thing of basil in my bag that I didn't take out and I went, yeah, whatever, I'll just walk out with this. Wow. I honestly did not anticipate that you would all be as shameless as you really are. Shoplifting from a large corporation is barely shoplifting in my opinion.
Brennan, have you ever peed in a public pool? Yes. I peed in the pool because someone said like, it changes colors if you pee in it. You wanted to test it out. It was scientific inquiry. Jess, have you ever peed in a public pool? I think I've peed in every pool I've been in. Everyone's peeing in the pool anyway. Oh, excuse me? Tao, have you ever peed in a public pool? I urinate in pools.
Brennan, do some movies and TV shows make you cry? Yes. Nothing makes me cry more than a character that is putting a brave face on a terrible situation. The vulnerability you've shared with us here today, it should just be one extra point to my inauguration. I just want to be clear, just the one. Jess, do you ever cry at movies or TV shows? Oh, commercials, yes, everything, yes. I'm a big crier. I'm watching a really crappy British dating show and the girls went to Casa Amor and the boys stayed home and they had the opportunity to couple up with other people and Molly Mae came back and saw that Tommy hadn't coupled up with anyone and she started crying and I started crying. Ayo? Yes. I cry specifically, much like Brennan to a specific thing, when a group of people come together for a common cause. Like the scene in Spider-Man 2 when the New Yorkers are like, if you want to get to him, you got to get through us to Doc Ock. Oh, that makes me cry.
Players, it's time for a mini game. You understand the mechanic of our game now. It is based on this lie detector. The contestants have figured out all of the things to do with the machine. I'm going to rephrase that ever so slightly. Yeah. The contestants have figured out everything there is to know about the machine. Always keep a more machine.
Jess, you are flirting with this machine. Machine, do you think I'm flirting with you?
You wish. What I would like to ask from each of you is a confession. Something personal about yourselves that you would like to feed into the machine. Once you do, I will assign it a one through five juiciness rating.
Oh! Oh my God. And you will receive those number of points if it's true. Okay. The bed that I lost my virginity in in a one night stand when I was 16 years old is the same bed I was later cuckolded in in my longest at the time relationship. Holy!
That's got to be worth, I don't know what's worth five points. If that's not worth five points, machine, can you tell me, is that true? There is no corner of my heart I would not turn over to the world for five points.
Jess. I'll just say I've had multiple threesomes. Oh yeah, no, totally. That's totally worth five points. What do you think about that machine? Absolutely. Machine. Wow! There you go. Tao, was there anything that you would like to confess into the machine?
Yeah, one time walking home from a friend's house to my dorm, I fully shit myself on the way back and I was walking with my friends too, so I was like, I'm going to walk ahead and I discarded my pants on the street. Where on the street? Like three blocks away from the house.
Wait, you discarded your pants? What happened to your underpants? I also discarded my underpants. I was wearing a fleece.
Full Pooh Bear! Oh my God! That's worth five points for sure. Brennan. Have you ever eaten food out of the trash? Yes. Jess. Yes, yes. Tao.
I have never taken food out of the trash and eaten it, but I've definitely eaten food that should be trash. Like a bad mango, you know, it's bad in certain parts and I just started eating around the bad parts and my girlfriend says, throw that away, and I go, there's good parts of the mango. Were there good parts of the mango? There were a couple bites.
All right, that's fair. Oh! Brennan, how easily are you able to tell left from right? Perhaps the best in the world. Whoa, the best in the world! Jess.
I can't. You can't.
I have a really hard time with my left and right. If I do this, they both look like L's to me. Sure, sure. When me and my fiance cater in the car, I can't have her say make a left or a right. It has to be a me or a you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, a me or a you meaning what exactly? If it's a me, I go the direction that I am and if it's a you, I go the direction that Kate's sitting. There's a specific term called a U-turn.
We don't make those!
Tao, can you tell your right from your left easily? I mean left, right.
Yes, yes. Brennan, are there any holes in your underwear? Yes.
The factory that made it put a hole in the front for my d***. No, that's not what I mean. Is it false or true machine? Take the point away. No, no, that is incorrect. I'm sorry, I did lie. There's three more holes. One for my torso and two more for my legs, d***. That's correct. You are not God, the machine is. Brennan, I should have specified.
Are there any holes in your underwear from d*** rigged from them being worn out? Oh, sure, yes. I got a bunch of these Hanes ones that weirdly have developed holes along the waistband. Jess, are there... Are there holes in your underwear? There aren't holes in my underwear, but I do have it where the elastic is very worn out of a lot of pairs. Tao, are there holes in your underwear?
Yes. Lots of them. Is this a boy thing? I think so.
A compromise that I made in my relationship is I started to throw away underwear that have a lot of holes in them. Brennan, have you ever slept through a flood or have you ever slept through a flight you were supposed to take?
No. Oh, what am I made of money? Jess. Absolutely not.
I'm there two hours in advance. Tao, you were looking a tad uncomfortable at the moment. Have you ever slept through a flight? Yes, twice. I slept in the same flight twice. Wait, what? You mean they rescheduled it and you slept?
Tao! No fucking way! That's crazy!
I was supposed to move out of my dorm sophomore year and I overslept, wasn't going to make it, had to move my room out and stuff, so I didn't make that flight. Rescheduled for later in the afternoon. When I got to the airport, I was so sleepy and the gate was so full, so I went two gates over and slept there and no one woke me up because why would they? You slept through the flight at the airport?
At the gate. Oh my God.
Brennan, have you ever tried to get a nickname? I've never taken active steps to get a nickname, but I have definitely been incredibly excited to receive a nickname. When I used to work as a camera PA on law and order criminal intent, my nickname on set was Shanty or Sippy. Sippy being an acronym for Shanty Irish Prick.
Yes. I did. I wanted everyone to call me Ross, which is my last name, and I thought like, oh, a girl who's called Ross, pretty cool.
Teo. Does it count when, as a new immigrant to this country, you go into class and you go, everyone, instead of calling me Teo, you can call me Paolo. I love the idea of you're like, better take it easy on these crackers with Teo. Let's do, I don't know, what's the whitest name I can think of?
Paolo. Paolo, yes, and I talk to him with a Italian chef's kiss.
Brennan. Do you ever space out just thinking about swords? Oh, yeah. Yes, correct. All the time.
The sword holds a unique place in the history of weaponry. Unlike a lot of other weapons, a sword was a symbol of status in almost every cultures all over the world.
I'm really gonna have to cut you off at a certain point. Oh, okay. Jess, where's your engagement ring? Oh my god, I love, I can't believe I'm getting called out.
I left it on the sink in the bathroom and I don't like to get it wet. And now I don't have it.
Is this a part of the show or am I just getting called out? I thought I was gonna get the sword one too. I'm really new. Teo, are there any photos of your bear butt on your phone? Yes, recently. One of the pieces of underwear I was wearing had such a big hole in it that I just comically ripped it in bed and then me and my girlfriend took photos of my butt out with this underwear.
I want to hear wholesome things about you, things that present you in a positive light. Brennan, we will start with you. This sucks. Yeah. I don't, because it's forcing you to brag, right? Yeah. So I take vacation time off of work and instead of going to vacation, I go work more at a different other place, which is the summer camp, and the past couple years I donate my salary to the fund that sends financially needy kids to camp. I'm gonna give you the full five points. Ah! Jess, can you tell me anything nice about yourself? I can.
I spent a lot of my life, especially my younger years in school, not feeling great about myself. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I was too tall, I wasn't smart enough, and now that I'm older, I'm so proud of myself that I have let a lot of that go, that I genuinely like myself and that I'm allowed to say that out loud.
It doesn't bother me at all. I'm smart. I write good sketches. I got a great a**.
Yeah, you know it, machine. You know it.
I'm literally tearing up. Yeah, that's the full five points for you, Jess, for sure. Does the machine seconding Jess's great a** comment constitute workplace sexual harassment?
No! I don't know about you, machine. I don't, that's not your call.
I'm getting HR. Wait, it's not even human resources. Machine resources. It's robot resources. Yeah, we need IT and HR to team up.
Damn! I like to think of myself as someone who can do nice things for people without needing it to even be recognized. Lots of small examples, letting people go ahead in front of me in a line for a bathroom they really need to go. Things like that. Okay, it didn't make me want to burst into tears, so I will give that a three.
Players, the truth is that I've been lying to you about this lie detector. Obviously, this technology doesn't exist per se. It is in fact human powered.
We've been working with a team of scientists on this for weeks now, and in order to give them credit, I'd like to introduce you to those scientists now. Scientists.
You liar! Oh my god! What the fuck?
Your significant others have been in control of this lie detector the whole time. I trust my partner implicitly.
And you shouldn't. You said you wanted to go to the gym early in the morning.
Is that so unbelievable to you? That's what you knew? Oh, by the way, yes. Do you want to marry me? Are you proposing? Again? And Jess, all this time you were flirting with a machine.
Ooh! My shit. This is a profound betrayal. So the game dynamic in round three is going to change. Oh my god.
I am going to ask true or false statement about our players. If they're about you, you don't get to play. The other players have to decide whether or not what I'm saying is true or false. Now, the more your face betrays you, the better your competition stands to do.
Jess and Taya.
Brennan has had the majority of his belongings since he was a teenager. I think that's super true. He's an all nerd shit. You get that when you're 12. It gives a lot of weight to the items that he owns.
I think it's true. I think it's also true. Izzy, is that true? Yes, it is.
He feels bad for the things, so he wants to continue using them so they feel like they're important.
That doesn't ring true to me. I say that Kate would rather celebrate something about Jess than attempt to stump me and Taya. I say this is true. I'll go false. That is false.
That is a point for Taya. In fact, I understand that Jess watches a lot of Shark Tank.
Yeah.
I'm always in the tank. Brennan and Jess. Taya's sideburns get sweaty when he eats sriracha.
100% true. That's so true. It is true.
The real problem is after. Yeah, I didn't turn that fact in, but you do. That explains the hole in the underwear.
It's a blast. Jess and Taya.
Brennan, more than anything else in the world, wants to be a renowned Dungeon Master. I don't think that's what he wants more than anything else in the world.
I also, yeah, I think that is false. It is false.
Brennan wants more than anything in the world to be a dad. Daddy. Brennan and Taya.
Jess calls Mario Kart Mario race cars. I think this is false. I think Jess calls it Mario Kart.
We'll leave pronunciation out of this particular question. Oh, okay. Then I think this is true. I also will say this is true. It is.
She probably does call it Mario. Mario race cars. What does she call the Super Nintendo? She calls it the purple and gray system, or the purple and gray Nintendo.
Brennan and Jess. When Taya was young, he actively tried to get his friends' parents to like him more than their own children.
I think that's true. I will also say that it's true. That needed their approval.
Like call me Paolo. Call me Paolo.
Jess and Taya. Brennan cries when old people are voted off The Great British Baking Show. That is true. That aligns with what he said makes him cry, which is people with a brave face during adverse times. I also say Taya. There you go. It is true. The old people should be allowed to stay. Brennan and Taya.
Jess's difficulties with left and right extend to when she was small, when dad drove more than mom, and so left was a daddy, and right was a mommy.
That is 100% true. I'll say true. It is true.
We are down to our last question, and we have two players tied. Brennan and Jess. Final question of our game.
Taya often tells Alexis he could get lost in her eyes. Alexis does have very lovely eyes.
I'm going to say he does say it. It's true. So if I say true, best case scenario is me and Jess tie for first place. If I say false, one of the two of us wins. I'll say it's true too.
No, Alexis.
In fact, Tao does not know what color my eyes are. Asked me two days ago after I'd already submitted answers for this, and also yesterday asked me what color his own eyes were.
Brennan and Jess, you have won Game Changer. You each win dinner for two at my favorite restaurant in Los Angeles. I'm not allowed to say what it is for legal reasons, but trust me, it is in fact my favorite.
Is this for real? For real?
Here's the thing. We've embarrassed all three of you up here today, and because it really doesn't matter who wins or loses in this game, I'm also going to extend that invitation to you. I am Sam Reich, reminding you that intimacy is nothing more than future blackmail. Good night. That does it for this episode of Game Changer. If you liked it, I have great news.
There is way more of the series that you can watch right now on Dropout. Just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
If you do, I'll give you 10 points right out of my own pocket. I have that authority. That's me petting them. One bit me.
One just came out of an egg. That's it. Just coming out. It's not good to touch newborn chicks with your hands. That's right. Anyway. |
cracked | the_3_hardest_things_to_explain_about_minecraft_escort_mission | These graphics suck. It's minecraft. It's retro.
Okay, so so which dudes are the enemy dude? No one It's a life simulator. See I made it so that we're in the same world. See that's me. Oh Hitting me doesn't do anything. Well, fuck you too then.
Oh Yeah, just digging. Is that the point to dig that I went?
There's no point. You just build stuff It's like a Lego set if you could use Legos to make a working Lego factory But first it is crucial that you help me pile dirt before nightfall cuz I lied before there are totally enemy dudes Okay, so what's the button for piled dirt before nightfall as a tab? I'll do it you just make an axe and start chopping trees so we can get wood to make into sticks so we can make torches Do you do you want me to do this in the game or real life? We quit fucking around. It's gonna be night soon They don't like light. Okay. Well, how do I how do we make an axe? I just I just dug straight down and now I'm in total darkness.
All right Click on that rock. Uh-huh. Okay. Now put it into an action. Okay, what could that possibly mean?
Hey, where'd you get the house? I piled dirt into a house shape shit. It's sunset, but there's a window Yeah, I heated sand on the stove glass is hot sand since when okay, you need a weapon make a bow and arrow I'm gonna put a roof on the house.
Okay, so what do I just type in bow? You take a stick and a string and you stretch the string over the stick and use it to propel smaller pointy Sticks. Yeah, no shit. I mean in the game. Is it like up up down down punch? That is how you do it in the game Okay genius Then how do you make string you shear a sheep and you stretch the wool into string you can make anything in the game How about a shirt you put wool into a u-shape like a shirt? How about a boat you put wood into a u-shape like a boat? It's just like life, dude You need to know like everything to play this game like everything about the world and how it works What just exploded okay, that's probably a creeper You need to dig your way to the surface and get in the house quick quick quick quick quick Oh my god, you need to be like a chemistry or physics doctor to play this game. This is so stupid Oh, hey, look a skeleton just shot me in the head with a bow and arrow, you know, just like in real life Okay, fuck it.
Oh So Dan's doing impressions of people. Well, we've got one for you. I'm Dan I have muscles and a mustache kind of I'm really bad at impressions.
Should I really? Okay. Yeah, okay |
cracked | predators_the_galaxy_s_worst_hunters | Movie hunters don't always get the greatest representation. The hunters in Bambi are dangerous lunatics who burn down the entire forest. That guy in Jumanji is a big s***head. The Hound's owner won't let him be friends with the fox.
And then there's Predator. The big game hunter from outer space who comes to planet Earth for one reason and one reason only. To stalk the most dangerous game. Danny Glover. And sure, Predator looks awesome. And he's responsible for one of the best action movies ever made, as well as one or two of the worst. But when you really think about it, Predator is a terrible hunter. He's essentially the intergalactic version of that rich dentist who shot Cecil the Lion.
If you remember that thing from last year that we all really cared about for two weeks and then aggressively forgot.
He has no respect for anything. He flagrantly ignores hunting laws, thumbs his nose area at hunting etiquette, and generally behaves like some douchebag who bought a bunch of expensive gear on the internet and can't wait to kill something with it. Particularly the one in Predator 2. That guy doesn't give a fig about anything.
Now, we know Predator follows some standard hunting rules. He abstains from killing a police officer because his x-ray Predator vision tells him that she's pregnant. And he ultimately declines to kill a child, although really the only thing that saves that kid is the fact that he's holding a plastic gun. But the rest of the time, the Predator is the science fiction monster equivalent of a guy with a shotgun asking you to hold his beer.
That mask is probably their version of a trucker hat. He has an incredible advantage, right? He's invisible, he's got a targeting laser gun.
Even if he's hunting illegally, which he almost certainly is, he should never get killed by what he's hunting. But he climbs down out of his tree stand to f***ing punch Arnold to death. That's like someone going on a duck hunt and then wading out into the pond to choke a mallard. Let's look at everything Predator does wrong. First of all, he's not wearing a blaze orange vest, which is always dangerous. I mean, you're really taking your safety in your own hands with that one big guy.
Secondly, Predator spends a lot of time hunting at night. Many states only allow you to hunt specific types of game at night, namely nocturnal animals or predators like coyotes and bobcats. And then only during specific times of the year. Some states prohibit it altogether, and night vision goggles are generally only allowed to several restrictions, if not outright illegal. So Predator is running around hunting non-fur-bearing, non- nocturnal mammals at night with night vision goggles.
There is no way he's not drunk. He's also clearly not eating what he's killing. Pure trophy hunting, believe it or not, is frowned on by most serious hunters. And you're generally supposed to eat what you kill. I mean, he might be eating Shane Black or Jesse Ventura, but we know for a fact he doesn't eat Dylan's man Hopper. Because they find Hopper and his entire crew skinned and hanging from some random tree in the middle of the jungle. That's not something an outdoor sportsman does, that's something a maniac does.
Speaking of which, Predator is almost certainly harvesting more than the daily bag limit, which refers to how many animals you can kill in a single day. There's also a possession limit, which is how many animals you're allowed to have on you in transit or in the field. A few states have no bag limit, but many limit you to one or two animals per day for a larger game, and as few as three per season. Predator kills way more than that.
He takes out three seasons worth of mercenaries in a weekend. He kills a dozen drug lords in an afternoon.
He's like a redneck bombing around the forest on an ATV, spotlighting deer and shooting them in the face. Which is another thing that's considered unsportsmanlike. Hunters generally don't shoot things in the head, because that's the trophy part. We know for a fact that Predator has at least one skull with a gaping bullet cave in it. So imagine going over to your cousin's house and having him show you the mounted deer head on his wall. Only half of the deer's face is just naked, shattered bone because he blasted it in the eye with a shotgun. Regardless of how you feel about hunting, that's f***ing ghoulish. You generally try not to riddle your prey with unnecessary damage, because A, you want a nice trophy, and B, you're planning on eating most of it. And picking pellets and fur out of a carcass isn't super fun. Going for a shoulder shot is standard, and even the occasional next shot is okay because it preserves the meat. Predator f***ing maims everything he catches. He's blasting limbs off, chopping things in half, and occasionally blowing his prey completely apart like a meat balloon. Imagine someone hunting deer that way.
You wouldn't just find them, you'd throw them in jail for all the crimes they were probably going to commit. Unlike Tom Cruise in Minority Report, you don't need a psychic to know that a man who bagged his last deer by shooting its leg off and stabbing it in the heart is eventually going to be responsible for a string of violent felonies. Predator also uses traps that are designed specifically to maim, which is hugely illegal. That thing that Topher Grey steps in would get Predator in serious trouble. And if it were triggered by a hapless fellow Predator, now he's opened himself up to criminal negligence. Also, the net gun that Predator uses slices into people's skin but doesn't appear to be fatal. So unless he feels like losing his license, that's going to have to stay on the spaceship. Predator is also using illegal bait.
He uses a call that mimics people's voices. Basically, he records them and plays them back. Many states don't allow electronic game calls of any kind, because... that's kind of cheating, isn't it?
Also, we see that Predators are not above using a dead body as a decoy, when they pose an improbably deceased Eddie Trejo in the jungle to fool his comrades. Now, in Canada and some US states, it's illegal to decoy with dead animals, specifically birds. Meaning, you can't prop a dead bird up and then use a bird call to try and lure more birds, because you're supposed to be a hunter, not a serial killer.
You're going to get smacked with a big fat fine of whatever they use for money in Canada.
That's probably the real reason Predators visit Earth throughout history. They're so buried in space finds that they can only manage to put together a hunting trip once every century. The weekend when they got that flintlock pistol must have been a goddamn horror show. Even when the Predators are hunting on their own preserve, things are clearly out of control. Okay, they build a giant pyramid full of aliens for them to hunt, and the second they get in there to flex their Predator tech, they get super murdered. Picture the aforementioned dentist stepping out of his Jeep, drenched in $500,000 of hunting equipment, and instantly getting his head swatted off by an angry lion. That only happens when you aggressively ignore every single pamphlet they handed you on the drive out to the preserve. Predators also stock their game preserves like madmen. Generally, preserves coexist with conservation efforts, that's why they're called preserves. You hunt a certain number of animals per year while preserving the overall population. Predators drop their game in from the goddamn sky. Anything that doesn't get killed on impact is hunted down and obliterated within like 12 hours. That's not a game preserve, that's a fucking boneyard.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching this video. Please like and subscribe, and go down in the comments, and let's get like a GoFundMe started so we can buy Predator a blaze orange vest.
I mean, that's one thing, that's one problem that we can solve for him. Like, we can't correct his thinking, but we can at least get him the vest so he doesn't injure himself. |
SaturdayNightLive | boom_boomer_snl | Now I just want to say, Leslie, you have outdone yourself. that fondue was out of this world. it was like eating space fondue. to Leslie. to Leslie. Oh, it was really nothing. Is it me or is President Carter to blame for these gas lines?
Hey, let's not talk politics. I want to keep this party groovy. So, what does everyone want to do? you know what would be fun? cocaine. Oh, I don't want to do that. Yeah, Gary, come on, let's keep it mellow. hey, let's smoke grass and have a sing-a-long.
No, you know what? I've got a better idea. let's play Boom Boomer. Yes! great idea! All right. What's Boom Boomer? Oh, you've never played Boom Boomer. Gary, it's so cool. Oh, yeah? Okay, I've never even heard of Boom Boomer. it's great. it's very easy. it's totally easy. See, someone starts by taking the Boom Boomer, then they send you. You know what, Leslie? it'll be just much easier if we'll play. you'll pick it up, Gary. it's totally simple.
Okay, okay, all right. Okay, Rachel Groovy, you start, Andrea. Okay, okay. all right.
You get it now, Gary? I have no idea what's going on. Well, you didn't see that pattern that we had going. No, I didn't. come on, Gary. it's obvious.
Start with a basic Boomer unit. the unit can break off into any three directions based on the fourth syllable. If you get a choomer. I know, you know what? he'll figure it out. it's a kid's game. he's not an idiot. Okay, guys, don't harsh on Gary. Okay, we'll do it again. Slower this time. I'll go first.
I have no idea how to respond to that. Oh, come on. yeah. you wouldn't even try. can't we just do cocaine? I am beginning to think that you have a cocaine problem. Yeah, well, I'm beginning to think you have a Boom Boomer problem. Okay, come on, you guys. cool it. Gary, I mean, I know you can do this. you didn't want to dance at our wedding, but once we dragged you on the dance floor, you were like a disco machine. I was on cocaine.
Guys, this is supposed to be fun, so let's just play something else. Why? Because Gary can't play Boom Boomer? Yeah, don't let Gary ruin it. Look, guys, I really want to play Boom Boomer. I'm sure it's a lot of fun. I'm just going to run to the bathroom. you can play the next round without me. is Gary all right? Oh, you guys, you know Gary. he just gets really bummed out when he's not good at something right away.
Let me tell you, that's exactly how he was in dental school. You're right. whoo-hoo-hoo! whoo-hoo! whoo! ha-ha!
So, did I miss anything? Yeah. no, no, nothing.
Okay, we're about to start another round. Great. Do you want to play this time, Gary? Yeah, Boom Boomer. bring it on. bring it on. All right, I'll start.
I have some pie in the kitchen. Oh, I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. let's go. |
dropout | modern_warfare_2_warning_extended | The following mission may be disturbing our offensive to some players. You may skip this mission at any time in the pause menu. You will not be penalized in terms of achievements or game completion. Would you like to play it? Last chance! This level may be disturbing our offensive to some players. Are you 100% sure you want to play? I shouldn't have said maybe disturbing our offensive. It probably is both. Still no penalties. Play on! Definitely disturbing and absolutely offensive and will penalize you if you do play it.
Would you-- This isn't like a challenge to your masculinity or something. Think about this logically for half a second. This is going to fuck you up. Mentally. Are you completely-- Hypothetically. And I'm not saying this is what the level entails. But hypothetically, if the whole level was about kicking homeless children really hard in their sleep, would you still play it? If you even debated saying no to that question, don't even think about it. Just press no. Would-- Really? You're not even thinking twice about kicking a peacefully napping poverty-stricken girl? You know what? Maybe you should play the level.
Maybe that's the only thing that'll fix your warped little mind. All right. Reverse psychology didn't work. That's fine.
But just know that this next level makes that airport massacre one look like Solitaire. We had to have it animated in Columbia, because no North American would even look at the concept art without scratching his eyes out.
Are you 100% sure? Keep in mind, it's not just a blood thing. I worked at a hospital and still got lightheaded when-- It's like getting carsick while watching beheading video. You know that scene in irreversible way-- Are you only hitting yes because that's the default option?
All right. Let's cut the crap. Stop crying! How offended were you by that? Seriously. Because if it's even a little, like even two out of ten, forget about the level, man. It's game over. All right. Fine.
Here we go. I'm going to start the level now. I hope you're ready.
Are you-- Don't say I didn't warn you. Sorry. What's that? I thought I heard you say something. You sure you want to continue? All right. Don't be a hero.
Just hit. I said just hit.
Will you just-- I will-- Okay! Okay!
Stop!
There is no level. There is no level!
We ran out of money. We figured if we made a level sound really messed up, nobody would want to blame it. We were clearly wrong. We are super embarrassed.
All right? I'm going to lose my job. Are you happy now? Aw, come on. Nobody would want to blame it. We were clearly wrong. We are super embarrassed. All right? I'm going to lose my job. Are you happy now? Aw, come on. |
cracked | how_the_makeup_and_food_industry_are_killing_you | Hey guys, I'm here today to talk to you about the kooky way the United States regulates chemicals in the everyday products that we use Such as makeup mainly that they don't and that's right This garbage is so full of garbage that we are actually turning our bodies into garbage This beautiful contour makeup that I'm currently wearing for example is literally putting poison into my pores as I'm as I'm speaking What wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute what's you kidding me This is funny you guys get the shit off of me Heather But it isn't like this in other countries see the EU adheres to something called the precautionary principle And what exactly is the precautionary principle great question Katie you are smart and valuable and you ask great questions Other than being a perfect example of why we should all move to Europe the precautionary principle is the principle that the introduction of A new product or process whose ultimate effects are disputed or unknown should be resisted Essentially they are cautious if the effects of something are unknown they say no if data is inconclusive They ask for more data the United States however operates under a high proof of harm in other words They require significant evidence that something is detrimental to the environment in the population in order to ban it Ready to have your mind blown the United States has not passed a federal law to regulate the ingredients used in personal care products since 1938 in fact the US has only banned 11 chemicals from personal care products to date. Yeah, I don't know why that blew my mind It's actually not surprising at all conversely the European Union has spent the past two decades banning or restricting more than 1300 ingredients from personal care items alone and this isn't a problem exclusive to the personal care industry the toxic substances control act TSCA for example was created in 1976 and was designed to protect humans and the environment from toxic industrial chemicals Which is great except that it totally doesn't in actuality The TSCA created so many obstacles for regulators to jump through that more often than not it has actually gotten in the way Meanwhile the American public unknowingly smears breeds drinks and eats poison literally every day take those notorious tricksters red dye number 40 Yellow dye number five and yellow dye number six in 2007 Scientists concluded that eating artificial food dye was bad for you go figure Specifically that they caused hyperactivity in children and have also been linked to cancer You know those two diseases that are a total bummer and everyone hates and are a big problem here in the United States of America So while in the UK the study was enough to ban dyes as food had it is the United States was all like oh Yeah, but Nah We're good.
No. No, we are not good.
You know, what kind of food contains dye kid food, you know who eats kid food everyone Mostly me though God Ever pick up a harmless box of juice Well, odds are that it only contained like 4% fruit The rest is red dye number 40 ever wonder how Mac and cheebs obtains that eerie hue of orange Well up until this year it was with yellow dye number five and number six and you know that old saying if it's not a dye It's a preservative. Well, that is exclusively relevant here. Take a look at this label from a box of rice krispies What exactly is? BHT well BHT is a synthetic compound which is commonly used to preserve foods and cosmetics and also can be found in jet fuels rubber petroleum products and in bombing fluid However, perhaps its most distinguished feature is that it should not be allowed to enter the environment because it is a known carcinogen That can cause liver damage which you know isn't something that I really want for breakfast now BHT is not to be confused with the bovine growth hormones BGH or BST the toxic spawn of Monsanto Which was somehow approved by the FDA in 1993 even though that shit ain't good for us or the cows Yeah, growth hormones have been linked to breast and prostate cancer thyroid disease diabetes obesity infertility asthma allergies Oh, you know that sucks these hormones may supersize the beeps But they also lower the cows immune systems causing utter infection These infections are then treated with antibiotics and that my friends is how hormones and antibiotics find their way into our food and water supply Which is apparently no big deal does Americans because we just love that and stuff to our water I'm fucking shit.
I don't know. I don't know man.
You guys want more scary examples How about formaldehyde formaldehyde which is banned in Japan and Sweden is a toxic flammable gas used in the production of fertilizers bleaching agents food preservatives hair straighteners baby shampoo and Soap of all things if someone were to draw a cartoon of formaldehyde They would be deemed negligent if they left the skull and crossbones off however in the United States It's also added to milk noodles and meat to extend shelf life. So like, you know Things aren't great new legislation would be good right now Our system forces us to rely on the transparency of the companies we buy from but there is hope the trend here It is for us to not like being poisoned slash want to continue the human race the more appealing it is for big companies and and Politicians to get us what we want For example Panera bread recently announced that they were getting rid of all artificial flavorings and preservatives in their food Also Panera has some really delicious soups and hearty salads shop at Panera But if you don't want to only eat at Panera bread for the rest of your life Continue to educate yourself check out websites such as the environmental working group for tons of information on what household products actually contain And what other options you have available or check out documentaries such as fed up forks over knives and the human experiment which are all examples of films that I Have not seen but here are great.
Wish I had a joke I could end this with but I but I don't Not at the moment. Anyway Give me a minute. I'll come up with something That's the end beat that I have there.
I don't I really don't have it Hey guys, thanks so much for watching click subscribe hit like share and and while you're here Why don't you let us know what's going on in your life? How are you being poisoned your animals your relationships? Your phone your YouTube addiction. Let's just get real cut |
dropout | kid_torture | I see it, I see the flag! Where is the flag?
Why would I tell you? I don't want to hurt you.
But Hans does. Hans here is insane. He eats his own boogers. Don't try to be a hero. Hans, show him what we do to heroes.
Oh, please, go ahead and yell. I mean, I know your norples are purple. Legy. Oh, my. Atomic. I can't. It's too much. I said atomic! As soon as I tell Principal Morrison, you're dead. You mean Alan? Hello, Thomas. But how? Everybody has a prize, Tommy. Now, Principal, I think this student needs to be disciplined. Ah, stop. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Bring the girl.
Tommy! Becky! Have you ever had cooties, Tommy?
Let her go, I'm immune. Circle, circle, dot, dot. Yeah, that vaccination won't work.
This is a new strand. Kiss him. OK, OK, OK. It's an able treat. The whole mother's neck and branch.
You know, I really don't like flies, Tommy. Liars get swirlies. I'm telling the truth. Hans, make it a chocolate. Tommy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, OK, OK, OK. It's in the other end of the field where it always is. Good. Now get out of my sight. Come on. So are we done here, because I can get in like a lot of trouble for all this? Shut the fuck up, Alan. |
cracked | 12_11_07_news_on_cracked_will_smith_michael_vick_etc | It's Tuesday, December 11th, and this is the news on track. I'm Lex Friedman, and she's like the wind. She's like the wind through my tree.
Conrad Black, the Canadian media tycoon, has been found guilty and sentenced to six and a half years in jail. Lucky for him, due to the current exchange rates, that's only four years in jail, American time. It's a lucky break.
Michael Vick, meanwhile, has been sentenced to 24 months in jail, stemming from his dogfighting conviction. Unfortunately for Vick, that's 13.4 dog years. And by that, of course, we mean it will feel like 13.4 years, what with all the doggy-style prison rape he'll be subjected to.
You understand. Oh, we're getting this just in. Scientists have discovered a cure for male pattern baldness.
No, I'm just kidding. You'll never stop being ugly. Ugh.
An Icelandic teen caused a security scare when he telephoned President Bush's private line from his cell phone. The teen left a message claiming he was the president of Iceland and would appreciate it if Bush called him back. Bush, meanwhile, chuckled at the incident, saying he saw through the ruse straight away, because Iceland, of course, quote, is where Santa Claus lives and Santa don't have a president.
Simply stunning. Now, crack.com interviews the rapper half of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Will Smith, thanks for being here. First question, Will, do you prefer ridiculous or redonkulous? Ridiculous. Is it true you had an orgasm when you were asked to star in I Am Legend?
It's something that you can't fake. Isn't that a bit excessive? I'm happy doing what I do. But normally, wouldn't you want to... It's something that gets inside of people. Yeah, yeah, that's, yeah.
Last question, how would you rate my performance on The News on Cracked? You know, slightly above average in talent. I'll take it. Thanks for coming by, Will. I really appreciate it. That interview was totally deaf. That's it for today's edition of The News on Cracked. Check back Wednesday or we'll quote more Patrick Swayze. |
cracked | president_trump_s_successful_year_of_rebranding_the_swamp_some_news | Hey guys! How's it going? A lot of you were asking, so I thought I would do another haul video. And so, oh, here's some news.
It's been 300 days since the president was sworn in as president of the United States of America, which is a country whose president was sworn in as president, and that president is him. And it's been 300 days, so we thought we would take a look at President Donald Trump's contract with the American voter, his 100 day promises, because, as Representative Paul Ryan says, The president's new at this. So we figured we'd grade him on a curve. And sure, he's new at this, who was in reference to the president, asking the FBI director to drop an investigation into his national security advisor, an unregistered foreign agent of Turkey. But, it applies to the president generally. So we're going to cut him some slack, and also acknowledge that, you know, all politicians lie and make promises they don't keep. I'm not a politician.
Well, even so. We're fair and balanced here, so let's all get wet, from horniness, and dive face first into the 100 day action plan to make America great again, Donald Trump's contract with the American voter. Section 1.
Six measures to clean up the corruption and special interest collusion in Washington, D.C. Seems like a good idea. Imagine if the president didn't divest from his global organization, and was violating the emoluments clause of the constitution, and making money off of his private resorts, and his hotel literally down the street from the White House. And imagine, like, a cabinet head abusing travel expenses. And imagine the president hired an incompetent real estate developer who owes literally more than a billion dollars to foreign lenders and lied on his security clearance form several times and yet still has security clearance and is also the son-in-law of the president and senior advisor to the president. And imagine a spokeswoman for the White House advertising for the president's daughter's fashion line or more cabinet members abusing travel expenses. And imagine the president gave many cabinet positions to completely unqualified donors who have ties to lobbying firms and special interests and participate in blatant cronyism. But also, imagine those things occurring last year, and then a dude's like, hey, here are six measures to clean up the corruption and special interest collusion in Washington, D.C. You'd be like, yeah, all right, get in there, guy, do it.
So, good category. Let's get started. Promise the first.
Propose a constitutional amendment to impose term limits on all members of Congress. Now, it's no secret that I respectfully disagree with a lot of our good-brained president's ideas. But this isn't a bad idea. Sure, an argument could be made that maybe Congress people need time to learn and really be effective at the job. The presidents knew with this. And if they're bad at it, you know, vote them out. If they redraw districts to have a stranglehold on seats, vote them out. But term limits for Congress do seem like a good idea that most people who aren't in Congress could get behind.
Congress is full of cowards and ghouls. Their approval rating is 13 percent, which is low. And the average time spent in Congress has steadily increased for hundreds of years. When you're in Congress, you have to constantly be worried about reelection and pleasing donors and lobbyists.
It's hard to truly be yourself, to fight for what you believe. It took Jeff Flake not running for reelection to get him to say, you guys, I don't know about this Trump guy. Nancy Pelosi will talk about how she used to carry single-payer signs as party chair of California. But she doesn't believe it's practical now that she's in power.
When Congress is bipartisan, they either introduce a bad idea and vote it through, like starting wars or easing banking regulations put in place after the financial crisis, or they introduce a good idea and vote it down, like rejecting an attempt to take back the war authorization given to the president after 9-11. Ever heard of it? So maybe term limits are a good idea. And it is the president's official first promise on his contract with American voters. And it has been 300 days out of 100 days.
So how's it going? Oh, literally not at all. Nothing is going on. It's just not going.
Okay. That's right.
He has not said a single word about term limits for Congress. At all. The most recent time anyone associated with the president's agenda talked about term limits was last November when Mitch McConnell said, I would say we have term limits now. They're called elections, which, yep, by Mitch. And it will not be on the agenda in the Senate.
I don't know, Mr. President, Trump, sir. It seems pretty weak to let him push you around on your first promise. He doesn't even have a show. You could squish him.
Maybe it's just too complicated for you, though, because it would require a constitutional amendment. And the only person who's written up a version of such an amendment is Ted Theodore Cruz, a man who when called by his real name, Rafael, would say, please, call me Ted. His amendment has little support but for a few Republican senators, but that may speak less to the quality of the idea or legislation and more to the fact that literally, literally everyone in Washington, D.C. hates Ted Cruz. Cruz's amendment, which I assume is moist, you know, calls for a maximum of three terms for representatives, so six years, which actually seems too limited, but it's okay, it's a draft.
All right, what's next? Two term limit for senators. It's 12 years. It seems reasonable. Okay, all right, Ted, bring it home. In section three, which reads, no term beginning before the date of the ratification of this article shall be taken into account in determining eligibility for election or appointment under this article. Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Fuck you, Ted Cruz. Paul Ryan is in his tenth term. You fucking bunch of goddamn Eddie Munster clones heading into your first day as co-managers of a bread factory.
Oh, so yeah, it's a petty joke junction. And you know what? Real quick, new segment we'll call Petty Point Prison. Ted, in each only two sentence section, you use the phrase, for purposes of this section. And like, yeah, no shit, man.
You're bad at writing laws. Anyway, the only time Trump has ever tweeted the words term limits was in 2015 when he retweeted a person who said the only person who shouldn't have term limits is President Trump, to which he added, cute. So, grade wise, for this promise, I'd say C, for cute. Promise the second, a hiring freeze on all federal employees to reduce federal workforce through attrition, exempting military public safety and public health. Now, President Trump put a 90-day hiring freeze in effect and then canceled it 10 days early because he needed to hire people to work for the government. And despite complaining about all of the positions Congress hasn't approved, he doesn't remember that he also hasn't nominated a lot of them. At his 100-day mark, even though he had fewer confirmations, he had the highest percentage of confirmations to nominations made of any president in this millennium.
So, way to go. Merry Christmas. At the 200-day mark, Trump's lead went down significantly, with both W and Obama having about 71% of their nominees confirmed and him at just below 45%. So, happy holidays. But, this is important to note, in the interest of our official slogan at some news, which is, fair and balanced, T-M-C-R.
A lot of the media consistently blames Trump for not nominating enough people, and that's why his number of confirmations is so low. Now, this is partly true, but the rate at which Trump has nominated people is lower than Obama's and his rate was lower than Bush's. So, at least in terms of the 21st century, the rate of nomination has decreased with each subsequent presidency. But, at the times when Bush and Obama had made 267 nominations, they had 130 and 151 confirmations, respectively, and Trump only had 61.
But, also, then that number quickly jumped up to 124 after Congress finished up failing to repeal Obamacare.
The first or second time, I don't want to look it up. Probably not the other times.
Also, Trump's made excuses that he just doesn't want to fill those positions, saying, what do all these people do? They don't need all those jobs. The job's president. But, anyway, to be really fair, a lot of Trump's nominations are also taking longer because so many of his nominees suck.
Like, Betsy DeVos, a former teacher, notion of a GOP donor, a daughter of a billionaire, chairwoman of a private investor, Windquest Group, and then suddenly, nominee for Secretary of Education. Or, Steven Mnuchin, Secretary of Treasury, Home Foreclosure, and Satire Killer. Or, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, from Stuck on You fame. Or, the Secretary of State, a former oil tycoon impossibly named Rex Tillerson, who is also trimming down the State Department, significantly alarming the State Department. Or, the Secretary of Energy, Rick Perry, a D student who literally didn't know what the Department of Energy did, though to be fair, he did get an A in World Military Systems, and won in a class called Improv of Learning.
But, to be balanced, he's also a comer, the president's words. Rick Perry, watch him. He's a comer. So, in regards to his second promise, I'd say an F for fair, and a C for the second C in balanced TMCR. Promise the third, a requirement that for every new federal regulation, two existing regulations must be eliminated. And he's certainly doing that.
And even though he actually has the slowest increase in regulation restrictions of any president in modern history, he is getting rid of regulations, which are things he seems to blindly resent, because a regulation is an easy, vague thing to hate and rail against for hindering businesses, while forgetting that they also save lives. Grenfell Towerburn, because those pesky regulations weren't met. They're often in place because of ethical reasons, or, you know, public safety reasons. For example, Trump has tried to undo the limits on greenhouse gas emissions, but is finding it hard because of a twice upheld Supreme Court decision that greenhouse gases in the atmosphere quote, threaten the public health and welfare of current and future generations. But don't worry, he's still busy lifting a ban on offshore drilling, allowing power plants to dump arsenic, lead, mercury, and cadmium in rivers, lakes, and streams, and are setting up a proposed ban on chlorpyrifos, a pesticide that causes neurological damage and children. Also, rolling back regulations on banks, protections for students against predatory loan practices, protections for trans and disabled students, rolling back the regulation allowing consumers to sue banks, and soon to be reversing a ban on the import of elephant trophies from Africa.
So, Merry Christmas, Don Jr. I guess for this promise, the President gets an A for... Ahhh... Promise the Fourth, a five year ban on White House and congressional officials becoming lobbyists after they leave government service. And he did this, via executive order, so he gets an A for also, though, it doesn't apply to congressional officials, just the White House, and it merely extends an Obama rule that banned the practice for two years. So, sort of just an empty attempt at seeming like you care about ethics and draining the swamp. The insecure, spiteful, dopes version of doing something, shouting, what my perceived enemy did, but more of it, and also worse. Because Trump's plus three version only bans White House officials from lobbying their former agency specifically, not from becoming lobbyists. And it allows people who lobby the previous year to become White House officials, which was banned by Barack Hussein Obama's executive order, which also banned former White House officials from contacting their former agencies for two years, which Trump reduced to one. So, yeah, like I said, he gets an A. Promise the Fifth, a lifetime ban on White House officials lobbying on behalf of a foreign government. Which he did. He signed the executive order, promise kept. Ignoring that his former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski actively looked for such work in Albania and Kosovo, his former campaign manager Paul Manafort was indicted by the FBI for, among other things, being an unregistered foreign agent and his former national security advisor, Michael Flynn, was also an unregistered foreign agent. National security advisor.
F***ing. C minus, I guess.
Promise the Sixth, a complete ban on foreign lobbyists raising money for American elections. Now, foreign nationals are already banned from donating to American elections, but citizens who are lobbying for foreign interests aren't. Though they do have to disclose their relationships in any financial interest to the government. Now, even if he definitely only promised this because the Clinton campaign accepted money from some and he announced this promise a week after that info was released via WikiLeaks, it does seem like a reasonable thing to ban. You know, sure. Though, some critics say that banning them from donating to American elections could cause citizens to just not disclose their relationships with other nations. And sure, I wish I could think of some examples of citizens who didn't disclose their financial and political relationships with other countries, but I'm looking this way.
So... Also, it doesn't matter. Trump has done literally nothing about this.
Maybe he's busy. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he doesn't want people to bring up his crime people. Maybe he knows that in the future, he'll want to accept donations from people he knows who are foreign lobbyists.
But regardless of the reason, he gets an F for fun or finished because fun were finished with part one? How long is this goddamn contract? How much have we done? See you next time. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Kev_Carmody_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_123 | We're here in the Diamantina not a cloud in the sky. I think that summer is just around the corner it's warming up. It's great we've actually recorded in the Diamantina Shire 1000 days of zero community transmission of coronavirus. That's been great we actually haven't had one active case within a thousand kilometres of here for quite some time.
Oh no I think there was two cases up there at Inaminka just down the road. I think they've been able to clear that up. Yeah they've been able to isolate and contact trace. Two more down there at Tippeburra. Yeah they all got off the Ruby Princess.
But today's guest he's a Queenslander he's out bush still but they get a sea breeze where he is in the in the kind of granite I guess you'd say granite winery region of. They're affectionately known as the Queensland ski fields. Stanthor you know the home of Billy Moore and the home of Kev Carmody.
Thank you for joining us today Kev. Thanks for having us. You fellas look like that you've got so many people listening to your program it's unbelievable. Yeah yeah it's good to do a bit of bush to bring a bit of bush to everyone too you know. It's a weird time in the world where we're all learning how to use programs like this so I appreciate you jumping on the zoom call as well.
In your music Kev you're some sort of a I guess anthropologist at times and a lot of your music kind of bounces between different parts of the world really. You've written about those Logan kids a lot of your songwriting from up north in the cane fields and of course you know down through Charleville Julia Creek syrup and damper and salted corn beef. You've been all around the place where would have you have called home when you look back at the younger years. Well I just suppose that Australia I mean there was no place or what it was mainly Queensland because we got better payers drovers in Queensland than we did in New South Wales. Seeing that connection to the outside world with the radio you know listening to the symphony orchestras because we could get short wave on this little radio so we could hear Moscow and hear the Moscow symphony orchestra playing Beethoven. We could hear so much different music as well as the old hillbilly stuff that in the morning in the evening time we'd get the classical stuff but it gave me a global concept fancy of you know what it was bigger than what I was seeing because I could see the night sky over night time and see the whole eternity and infinity of the cosmos. We were isolated and insulated in some ways because we traveled as a group and like knowing that it was a real skill well it was a real skill not knowing that that your home was everywhere yeah you know what I mean yeah and we never had swags we never had we just had a lump of canvas and two old army blankets from the second hand store and every day you had to move 8 mile by the permit they give you a permit so you had to move that amount but like seeing little cars born like the whole of creation yeah I wrote that song I've been moved the lyrics the first time I ever well I always do the music first then put the lyrics but this time on the back of all you know it's breakfast cereal cardboard I wrote down I've been moved by the wind upon the waters and the shadows as the leaves are blown and then the second verse is about our oldest son when he was born like I've been moved by the crying of the newborn and also not only the humans being born but the little calves being born on the road and they you know they can't make that stage that I bloody mile so you'd have to pick them up and boy some of them old cows might boy oh boy when they coming at you those old Hereford's boy that will bloody wall though buggers that moment put there after birth on her arms so that the old cow wouldn't she could do anything with them cast she put him in the truck take him along the stage till you know till they could learn to walk proper she'd take them along to the lunchtime stage pull them out of the truck so that our cow could the old cow would know learn that the calf was in the truck she'd run up and mum picked the calf up take it out put it on the ground the old cow wouldn't even bloody bother her because she had to smell off the afterbirth father you know I would smell that and she trusted mum but boy as far as we come to go near boy you'd be around the other side of the bloody truck running you know but it was that beauty of the of the whole universe as a kid I just thought wow this is phenomenal and then listening to the music the way it was put together and like just the smell of the the horses and stuff like that all your senses were aware and you didn't have the sounds of trucks bloody the urban sounds I mean when I go to Sydney how you fellas exist down there with that background oh but you don't you're a patoota you see you're right mate you're right you fellas would have to take these fellows from Sydney and take them up to patoota and take that the earphones off of them and just let them listen to the sounds of the universe yeah and the same with the light pollution and the stars and all that kind of stuff that all that all kind of informed you you're riding oh look at you I tell you what freaked me out when I first went to Sydney which is in 1988 I've got a lift down on 30-ton truck of bloody seafood got a lift from contact just north of Brisbane with Cliffie boy Cliffie was something else mate he had 30 tons but oh shit he did the what the run every every week you know pull it turned out with a guitar and a little bloody case with a port and he took me right but he smoked yeah see and he smoked that other stuff and bloody hell my you crossed the McLean River with a 30 tonne of corn the opposite way the river ran a rowley yeah that's right but anyway we get to study Sydney at four o'clock in the morning and we unloaded I helped him out later to the fish market say and he'd give me in a 30-tonner it was empty of course but he'd give me a like a uber ride in the 30-tonner down Broadway and I had to meet this bloke at the Broadway Hotel you know they're opposite Grace Brothers or the Westfield yeah yeah well that's Shepherd Street that's where I have to meet the father so I sat on the bloody milk crate it could be drop me off right there and I sat there looking at this ride and I thought oh bloody hell this is progress freeway mate this is unbelievable because like just watching the city wake up from about five o'clock onwards yeah yeah it was a bit weird they all thought I was a derelict or something sitting there but they saw the guitar but I suppose they thought well he's got some money in your writing you talk about the deep north and the cane fields and you kind of talk about this egalitarian society you lived in with a you know I mean slim dusty sang about it men of all nations and places what was that like in the cane fields was that was that as as a driving family or was your family involved in the sugar cane now now we'll see mom being indigenous and and and dad being Irish they couldn't get married in southern Queensland because it was just it was against the law right so they went up the cans back to the you know the my grandfather was born in the bush before the turn of the 20th century in the middle of Lakefield National Park you know right up on the cake crocodile country mate yeah yeah yeah crocodile Dundee you want to watch out if you go okay anyway that's where they went to get married so dad was a volunteer in the Second World War he got out he married mum and they they went up they got married in in cans because it was really multicultural then you know dad dad worked in the sugar mill shoveling bloody coal into the big furnaces for the Mulgrave sugar mill right and he got his steam ticket you know because we get rides on the little train the little little steam trains but then him and his dad they had a block of land down in southern Queensland that they rented off the government and the government said in 1950 unless you come back to the block of land because we were four years in Cairns unless you come back we're going to take it off here our dad and mum came back and dad used to do all the work for the stations and like fencing and droving and mustering and Brandon was all contract in those days yeah for the big stations and that's how we come down to southern Queensland but like we used to do the family because we're only a small unit we used to do the smaller driven trips you know six eight hundred mile max we wouldn't even get a hundred probably six hundred miles but that's the way we made a living and we use this block of land as a place to run the horses and you know milking cows and stuff like that but yeah like it was multicultural fancy up in up in Cairns there was Maltese there was Yugoslavs there was bloody Greeks there was Italians yeah it was multicultural we learned about that garlic we learned about bloody chili we learned about tomatoes all that sort of stuff because of that the immigrants that had come in after the Second World War yeah you know and that's I actually did the last hand kind of time at the nimble sugar mill right yeah just north of Brisbane yeah that's a bloody hard job but she's good money yeah she's good my Kevin Rudd country there yeah look I never bloody saw him on the K9 you probably wouldn't even come from the floor that block where did music start to find a place in your life was it around sort of this time or was it something that come a bit later no look it was always there it was always there as I said that extension from listening to this you know the symphony orchestra in bloody Austria or wherever on the short way radio yeah to the you know that the country in West we became country in Western the old hillbilly music I just thought it was a great great way of expressing yourself because it was a way of recording stuff to like the drive and woman one you know that that's three stories put together one part there where the bloke it's given the horse that's what they do you'd go past a big station the horse breaker would break into horses they'd always come out to the driver camp of a nighttime but they'd give you horses to quieten and to you know work stock enough best way to do it's behind a bloody mob of cattle same old thing day after day after day and you quiet them and they know their job and then you drop the horse on the way back so you we'd get free bloody horses and they'd they'd get them quiet yeah occasionally you get a horse that somebody tried to break its spirit yeah whipped it a flogging and men some of them don't Jesus you'd have a rodeo every bloody morning you got on and you have to watch him because they'd go alright for a full day then after lunchtime next thing boy they you bloody dead pig jumping all over the place and when you least expected it yeah so you'd get a bad one occasionally and that's in that drive a woman song that's what happened to the focus if you many got all fair few people but but hurt or killed like a dinger you never know when it's gonna turn yeah well that's the thing that yeah they're smarter than the average dog yeah so how old were you when you decided that you might like to try and start making some music of your own well look that that's the thing it was about grandma and granddad gave us these little three-quarter guitars that when we were about to or ten or eleven but and they were just bloody you know plywood bloody things but our local he taught us a few chords on it but the thing was you know I always heard these old blues phones again on the ABC heard these fellas playing and thought Jesus they don't need a bloody band like Elvis they don't need a band like buddy you know Hank Williams or they could play the rhythm the lead and the bass by themselves I thought bloody hell I've got to learn how to do this because then you don't need a band and anyway was telling somebody this as well we we used to treat on the road I drove in the rubbish dumps we should treat them as open-air supermarkets country towns they just ran the bloody rubbish all over the bloody stock route but we pick up the bolts we pick up the nails we pick up the bloody sheets on and roll up the bloody wire and everything because we'd recite we'd use it you know back home tell you what the other thing is when they put grids in one time you had to get out and open the gate up put the cattle through and everything and or if you were driving a motor car if you had the money to have a motor car you had to get out open the gate go on eight mile next bloody gate open up I put in these things called bridge well holy bloody hell didn't we get some hubcaps because when these old bloody cars the old hudson's and the bloody ships when they when they hit the bloody grids for the first time you know when I first put them in there'd be bloody hubcaps hundred meters down the bloody road in the bush we'd be picking them up good things for you know yeah water in your dog and feeding your dog in it they went mad but anyway in this bloody one of these rubbish daps I found a bloody book and it said teach yourself that guitar now I thought that was pretty good it wasn't you know I'm going to teach you the guitar or you know you can learn the guitar it was saying you can bloody learn it yourself but it was wet you see the book was wet so I took it back to the campfire and and you know over a while I dried it out but I learned then basically how to play with the four fingers you know so you can tell your base your rhythm and you don't need a band helps to have a band but I've never had one so that's where a song like cannot by my soul come from that guitar piece in there was a little piece I made out to try and exercise the this pattern with me fingers yeah and then I just words to it nachi-achi sings it and I'm never gonna sing it again I don't think because he's just such a beautiful job of that god that voice that's what we're saying with these albums you released we've kind of got all your friends and and and different artists from around the country singing your songs were there many songs like that where you kind of thought cheese I've done a good job here I mean personally I'd say Oh Troy Casa daily singing on the wire you know that's the two of the best of the two of you coming together there oh look Troy that man like and just you can feel that he feels the lyrics in that song and I just again it's one of those songs god am I ever gonna sing this again because it's like all all the tracks are on there I don't know it takes me to another level because it's just like these new ones coming on with these younger ones reinterpreting the stuff using a basic theme but also putting their own lyrics to it you know it's it's making it new again to the younger ones and I can sit back behind the lance chair now and just say oh yeah you know you fellas can keep going I can keep right in the mirror because it does fire me up to keep writing because I have nothing to do with the first album the first compilation Paulie Kelly did the lot he just sent through oh he's Tex Perkins singing isn't oh he's Troy Casa daddy singing he's Johnny Butler playing a bit it's like Paul Paul guys I hope you don't mind and then in this one it's it's Sean his partner Sean and him are doing it and because they said oh you've got to listen to the DLP the final I haven't got a bloody final player so Paul had to do it listen to see if there's any bloody scratches or whatever on it because the only only last time I saw a while was when the rapper started and they were scratching the bloody you know we've interviewed Paul Kelly a couple times and he's all around you know he's whether he's in St. Kilda or he's in King's Cross or he's in wherever he is in the world you seem to spend a lot more time in the bush and you spend it do a lot of your music a lot of your music's made in the bush how do you kind of exist around the kind of industry side of music do you does it come to you it feels like that because Paul is on the road a lot oh yeah well the music side of things like I knew that what I was writing I mean I never started recording until I was over 40 year old I just knew that it wasn't gonna bloody work commercially forget it and I was never gonna make video clips no way so what what used to happen was I got the Queensland uni would you believe they let me in triple Z radio station was at the uni yeah and they had a one-hour session of black follow music run by Rossi Watson he was a made of mine so I just come down with the guitar we'd have yarn like we're having like this and I'd say oh look here I've got a new song I've got it it's called that shot not steal and I just play it live to air and but he'd record it on the on the quarter-inch tape then he put it on the cassette then he sent it to his mob tiger Biles down in radio Redfern yeah who would then put it on the cassette send it to triple R in bloody Melbourne who would then send it to bloody broom who would then send it to Northern Territory yeah before I ever actually officially recorded the song they're out amongst the blood community radio stations for years you know the Murray radio stations some of the oldest in the country aren't they in terms of you know when did you start you know I mean we just spoke with the with the label executive before helping us set up the zoom call when did you start meeting people like that oh yeah yeah Miriam oh boy she like anything where did you start meeting people like Miriam oh well only about all crikey a couple of months ago now I'm talking about like in terms of working with the people from the you know the music industry when it is first start meeting people like oh oh wait way back way back let's say about 1989 88 88 I think the first album came out yeah on vinyl according to the label it didn't sell much at all that there again with I was so fortunate I didn't have access to a phone for about eight years because of the special branch in with jockey Peterson's regime in buddy Queensland they had you tapped so I didn't know what was going on but yeah he was something else that follow something else he had you tap did he is that what he's saying you weren't using the phone oh no bloody feet that's right he's special branch where we caused a lot of people to have a lot of jobs yeah yeah like to sit up all night on the telephone listening till somebody picked it up and said mr. Bajoke Peterson is not a very nice person or your police commissioner is bloody corrupt you have to watch what you were saying if you're giving them rice tips where the local ladies of the night dwell because rushing is the minister for everything yeah and brown paper bags full of bloody money the joke mr. mr. yeah well he said there was no there was no ladies of the night in Queensland he just drove down the drive down Wickham Street with his eyes closed there's one working for the Department of Home Affairs right now look out we will be put off you'll be put over here and I'll be all at the couplets you have to throw the phone away again yeah yeah so you got access to a phone eventually after the the Joe era wrapped up and and then that's when you started kind of you know talking to people that could kind of cut a few records for you yeah we paid for the first pillars of society ourselves but the big thing my friend was Bruce elder from Sydney Morning Herald did a review that I didn't know about but apparently well it was it was just he just said it was really good music okay and then next thing I've got all these people bloody sending me letters and notes and and stuff because see I had no telephone and I was actually squatting at Queensland Uni don't tell anybody I was squatting yeah I put me bloody mattress behind a bloody filing cabinet in there as a postgraduate student I had a room in a house that had a stove without a bloody bathroom it had everything in it so why not utilize it which I did it was a halfway house for the the women too if they got got you know in trouble of a night I'm going from the University to the work the West West End Ferry they could race into my little place where I was it's funny anyway what else can I tell you um they still got any grapes and Stan thought oh Jesus yeah there's not look there's no peaches there's no nectarines there's apples and there's pears still left but yet no I got wine wine wine and cheese wine and cheese but one thing I wanted to ask Kev is when did you meet Paul Kelly because that seems like a pivotal moment both your careers we interviewed Paul he's pretty vague he's just talking about oh yeah yeah we wrote that song around a campfire I was like well where did you blokes meet because you know he's an Adelaide boy by Melbourne yes and Hobart yeah no well the thing is always working with that with the marginalized kids you know down in Logan City yeah working there with them and his brother Martin was working with the kids and also the other brother Tony so Martin and Tony and then his mum Kelly she used to help with the food and that with these you know marginalized kids because we used to go into the parks of a night time and you know just well interact with these kids doing artworks and goodness knows what all but I knew I knew his mum and his two brothers and his mum before I actually knew him when I first went to Sydney they took me to this thing called the Enmore theater and I was up the top top part they put me here I was up in the in the bloody mezzanine yeah yeah man me it blows where you fall for but anyway I was sitting there and then in this row and then this black that took me said oh that that's Paul Kelly up there no I said oh yeah he's yeah because we were looking at the go-betweens yeah the go-betweens took me to see the government and Paul was in the audience but anyway after that they took us around to the back to the side with Paul was there and that's that's where I sort of first well you know I said yeah okay well I knew him but then he got in contact with me after the first album come out in 1988 excuse me and then he came up with his young son Declan and we took him camping he came up on the bus or he come up on the train and then we took him to a big water hole camping with our mob and I had a one of those old trooper land land-rover trooper troop carriers yeah everybody yeah everybody was jammed into the backs up went to this place that just opened up called Wyvernhoe dam and that's when we really got together for the first time and actually started going Jeng Jeng yeah right he writes extremely quickly it's and you're gonna pull him out he goes so fast man he's an excellent writer it's just unbelievable that there's like the topics that he writes on just say you J yeah yeah right from little things big things grow the toy oh was that yeah yeah cuz I had I had a sort of a bit of an idea and very boring chord progression and I switched it from the mandolin to the banjo and he'd gotten on the guitar and he had this concept of you know relationship thing between one-on-one from this small thing it's grown into something really big and what happened with the song was it turned into a cultural love song yeah because I said like it's great the chord progression is boring but it'd be great to tell a story a story with that's what happened I just told him it the thing that really sort of took us or our interest was walking in on the camp one night mum just said I just listened to the ABC News there and a grungy mob just walked off vesti station we said how we thought holy bloody hell this is what this is 1966 like they're gonna bloody shoot him or they're gonna they're gonna wind up with the bloody cuffs on like looking out through the pigeon oh they're gonna log them up so I told Paul about that and he got interested in all of a sudden we you know it happened and then it was on the back burner believe me as Paul I'll tell you it was just a filler we just thought okay that's it so you know I couldn't require it you didn't think I will be singing this a golf Whitlam's funeral one day yeah he's coming up here in a few few weeks time but yeah that's what happened is it was just a virtually a filler and I couldn't record it because the old man passed away so good would you I couldn't culturally say the name for two years so my recording of it was just it really wasn't a proper recording it was just we were doing something from a bloody TV mob and they just happened to pick the switch and me and Paul and the tiddies were singing it it was for TV but I've never actually done a proper recording of it but yeah yeah well wasn't I just felt so proud to be there with not Nolly Pearson in the orchestra and that at that Memorial for golf you know because we really did think that you know he started off something for us mob did you see much of that as a young man up up in the top top of Australia I mean the Lord so the Lord vesti idea of an aristocrat from overseas owning land was that was happening in the Gulf as well at some point too with with these you know families from London and Scotland were you know sight unseen owners of a cattle station oh crikey it yeah we're right back with dad and that like dad work for Kidman yeah you know and they had master heaps of stations mainly mainly where the good water boys yep yep and you know when they got Ryan that move as you know they'd move the cattle between the the water holes and fatten them on the way down it was the long patty yeah it was a long patty and boy you like we had we got some of those Kimberly bloody bullocks five-year-old bullocks racehorses hey big fellas those horns yeah they'll call you they'll Zebu whether calling Brahmin now yeah Zebu and guys our short arms yeah but our bloody big buggers and boy though you're alright while you're on a horse but boy you get off one foot and holy bloody hell you were gone in the you did right my friend I've spent a long days in the round yard and I didn't have a pole I was just there with my head on shoo shoo get in there yeah or a lump of polythene a lump of polythene and you watch that big bull yeah you just watch you lift his head up with those big ears the Zebu mob yeah flicky bloody flicky Z is that you he's watching you and then he put his head down next thing you see he's over here bloody like 30 bloody meters away or 20 meters away yeah you're watching and you're keeping the right yeah and you're keeping that rail real close yeah the rails of the yard yeah I've been there before no the vestis had to hand back a whole heap of land in Venezuela I think about 15 years ago they had to hand it back to Chavez yeah yeah well the thing is my friend that day they had the contract for the British Allied forces yeah in the war and they supplied all the bloody meat and like they were paying a peppercorn peppercorn for land you know right across the top of northern Australia and everywhere else yeah like it was off the bloody planet and you know the conditions were atrocious I mean at least our family we were we were a unit and dad did that the being Irish or you know being Irish descent he did the negotiating for the job and we only had all of us we only had one bank account so did uncle you know and and my brother and myself and all of us we all paid in so if one fella had a job you know must rent or Brandon the other fella had a job or person or it all got paid into the one bloody account right so that everybody had a bit of something yeah but when you look at what vestis like it's the same with the vestis because all those kids are pulling out of the same account are they oh shit you did right you're bloody dead right we should go and say oh look look mr. vesti now I don't want to sort of point things out but like I've just added it up on me calculator and you had it was three and three hundred a square mile so I yeah we're about to find that out and this is what you bloody our last night because the calculator would be wearing a white flag the decimal point would be so bloody far to the right then it'd be off the calculator yeah where does he live he lives in England we should we should take the tutor over there yeah we'll go we'll go find him there's this famous book written by John Anderson is a former journalist up there with the towns of a bullet and he wrote a book called bag man millionaire it's about a lot of those old families up in the Gulf the scrappers and a lot of the kind of Murray Stockman perhaps maybe did end up with a few beasts that belonged to invest and build an empire of them that was the thing you'd often come across see as you know in the old days that the stock routes were called ten chain one there were ten cricket pitches right right way over in the bush there somewhere you'd be riding along on the bloody horse you'd find this dead beast right and it'd be in there for my out five five bloody months but the card would still be there and to be pulled around and that but you'd find that it only had two legs yeah yeah because that's when the chainsaw come in yeah that's what they do is run the bloody bullet yeah yeah cut the throat yeah there to go okay then they get the chainsaw real quick and zoom it down the bloody center after they got it yeah take that half the bloody beast that was their meat and then just leave the hide and that thing and so or not a big bingo bingo pull the ground like that that's why I only got two legs yeah but they'd be pinching the bloody meat mate nowadays I just load them onto a truck in the middle of the night oh Jesus they're getting good aren't they yeah yeah we should have got a job in the stock squad yeah because we can track we can track and we yeah why didn't they give us black fellas a job in the stock squad that are putting those fellas from bloody Queen Street Brisbane in there Queen Street farmers yeah like the best emo which ended a bullock farting now tell us with this this new release you've um any other time outside of this virus you'd be maybe putting on a show or doing a bit of a tour or is that all over for you man just about I mean my backs buggered from lumping bloody you know weak bags that when I was young fella yeah I've had three operations on me back my friend yeah I love getting on stage and talking to people but this whole celebrity business just gives me the bloody scowls yeah I do pop up occasionally like I did down at Tamworth see the first time went to Tamworth that day yeah well that was 40 odd year ago with a motorbike and sidecar and a guitar and a little swag I went down to Tamworth and they they they didn't like me right because they said first of all I didn't have a permit and secondly they didn't like or understand what I was singing about you needed a pair I went out yeah yeah this was years ago this is back yeah on the street I was busking oh like you're driving but I went out to continue I went out to continue on and played with these folk group mob and that all that and I went back this year because Paul was playing at it and Barnsey and them and I said come down and we stayed down there and yeah I got on stage for the first time at Tamworth only for one song one song and I had all of a sudden I heard these people singing the chorus I looked across the stage and he was Troy and there was Barnsey there was there were there yeah there was Casey Casey was there they got their mic and they were singing the chorus right I went pretty good went pretty good but yeah I was they didn't kick me off this second time so I was right you didn't need a permit either Paul did half it anyway so alright you're just the scenery in Tamworth yeah that's right that's right yeah that's the first thing you've got to do that when you're going to play go and see the sound parlour yep have a good yarn to him see what's going on they're always good blokes go and talk to the roadies because without them you have a bloody clue on stage they can make you look like it they do one story we ran on Batuda is a small bands kind of setting up for one of their first gigs in the back of a pub and the and the sound he goes tell you what mate it wasn't like this was when I was on the road with Akadaka I don't know about this operation I always got a name to drop yeah another thing too I just thinking oh the wife saying something me she's doing this this sort of thing we'll have to come visit we'll have to come to stand thought we'll come say good night yeah yeah yeah I say as I said we don't drink but you fellas can have a bloody ton of fun here my dear yeah probably knee before you get to the third one they say just just last I'd say they brought in phone reception to wind or about two years ago so just a little town of wind or against the 3g and the public and was a rapable he thought he thought he's gonna lose all the business cuz people gonna stop coming to the pub to talk to each other that's right because that's where you go you went to the pub to get your jobs and everything I'm sorry I'm getting the wind up yeah to get your jobs to know the gossip that was going on and don't tell you that the bloody blokes aren't gossip's believe me you walk into the pub and get some I'll follow your bloody hero yeah you'll lose your bloody hearing with them they gossip like hell well okay good joining us today it's been a great yarn and I'm good luck with the new release hey yeah yeah yeah well look thanks so much you fellas we ours we need you guys yeah thank you |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.