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SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_m3gan_2_0_snl | You want a new dance you can do on Tiktok? Well, then gag on this.
Yeah! hey, everybody. we're getting into makeup. Mikey detested saying, you Have to play Megan. A week later, I happened to be with Aubrey. brag. and we also talked about Megan. And then I saw it on Sunday, and here we are. that's how it happens, baby. There she is, Megan. Hi, Mikey. she just wandered the hallways knocking on people's dressing rooms. you know your lines, Mikey? Yeah. I don't think we're on the same thing, Megan. I thought we were having a conversation.
Oh, my God. Jk. Oh, no. girl. Thank you to Aubrey Plaza, an icon who is willing to join forces in this doll. we're going to put the apple box underneath him so you can choke and then raise up. in order to look doll-like, we're going to barely move our mouths, and then adr. that's a little inside movie Magic. Drive me home. Megan, you messy ho.
I'm obsessed with you. where'd this dance be? So it's them dancing at each other. Yeah. so you guys are like mirroring each other?
Yeah. Out. out. Oh, my god. action? Hot. energy on us. And Go. All right. that's a wrap. heads up. wrap up. We love you. that is good. Hi. I'm Megan.
I'm your best friend, you dumb bitch. |
dropout | nobody_younger_than_me_can_be_successful | Okay, Grant, what will get you to stop interacting with me forever? This girl I went to bird camp with... Bird camp. Ignore it. This girl I went to bird camp with just published a book and she's younger than me.
So what? Yeah.
Oh my god, Ali, are you that naive? Is your head full of dough?
People younger than me doing things is bad because it means that I should be doing things so worse should have already done things. Grant, relax. It's not a big deal, okay? You can't compare yourself to people who are younger than you. I mean, I'm younger. I'm the youngest person here and I don't think that's given me any advantages. Actually, I'm younger than you, Ali. What? Yeah, I mean you're younger than you.
No. Yeah. No! Yeah.
What am I doing here? Pissing away my life next to Grant O'Brien? Hey. I'm so far behind. Grant O'Brien is leaving me in the dust because I am so old. Ali, come on.
Age doesn't matter. The media hypes up young people because it makes for a good story, but there are so many people who don't make it until they're in their 40s, their 60s, even their 80s. So I may be the youngest, but that doesn't mean I'm the best. That'd be stupid. But I'm the youngest.
Who said that? Rap, calm down. What you said. Is it true? Yes, I'm younger than you.
So you're saying that my whole life is meaningless, that I should have made different social, financial, and career-related decisions that would have put me light years ahead of where I am now. No. You're saying that I had all the time in the world to get ahead of you and I squandered it. No! You're saying that I should have went to grad school, that I should have never left Chicago, that I should have tried that magical age serum that that hot witch tried to get me in the woods many moons ago. Oh, God. I hate myself.
Should I have bought Bitcoin? Okay, guys. I'm not saying any of that, okay?
We can't keep comparing ourselves to people that are younger than us, right? We can't let the media sway us into the frenzy of being young people or better. Young.
Are you talking to me? Rekha, I'm only a month younger than you. A month?
Ah! Oh, my God! I've had one month more than just to figure things out and I'm still stuck in this shit hole with these shit bags. Oh, my God.
Should I quit? Should I join a cult?
I should have done that. I should have taken the age serum from a hot witch. Fuck!
Hey, gang. Where are you? Yeah. Anyway, I wanted to introduce you to your new cast member.
How old are you? When did you graduate? What have you won?
You're scum. Oh, I, uh, I'm sorry. You guys, don't be rude to Cheryl.
She's standing in front of our newest cast member. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets. A lot of, oh, I got you a gift.
Let me tuck you into bed and I'm like, ooh, God, yes! So sign up for your free trial today and it was so great meeting you. If you want to, like, share some of those candy bars over wine sometime, you know, I am available, you know. You get like 125, I can get 125. I don't know, it's just an idea. |
SaturdayNightLive | make_your_own_kind_of_music_snl | In 1969, Mama Cass of the Mamas and The Papas recorded a solo single. this is footage of that session. you've got to make your own kind of music, sing your own special song. make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along. cut and print. Oh, you nailed that. Take, Mama Cass. you really think so, Mitch? Oh, Mitch Lester knows a hit when he hears one, baby. you agree, record label people? we're anticipating major airplay. the Djs are already calling. so are the late night shows.
No, this song is going to be everywhere, mama. and then everybody's going to forget about it for a long, long time. Oh. oh, no. really? Oh, yeah, yeah, baby. But in about 40, 50 years, I think it's going to start showing up in a bunch of movies, baby. Wow. movies. Yeah, because it's a perfect song to go under a slow-mo montage where the main character snaps and goes on a rampage. It is?
Oh, yeah, baby. yeah, yeah. let me show you. let me show you. the movie is zombies take over the world, you see. And I'm the main girl. and I'm all alone. Hit it! nobody can tell you. zombies eating people. cities on fire. there's only one song worth singing.
I should just give up. they may try and sell you. I'm a victim. because it hangs him up. or maybe not. to see someone like you. he's starting to fight back. I'll grab a shotgun. you've got to break your own kind of music. you'll start to break your own kind of music. baby, baby, you're not gonna smile no more, please. Oh, Troy, here we go. Oh, amazing. great, man. thank you. thank you. you smell what I was telling you, Mama. You see, I think people in the future are really gonna love that juxtaposition. I don't know, Mitch. the song is about celebrating individuality, not zombies. dig, dig, dig. you got to forget the zombies. Bad example. Oh, how about this?
How about this, Mama? the movie is, I'm a prostitute. I'll serve as some of the most powerful men in the city. And God, they're awful to me. But how could a powerless prostitute get even with these big wigs, right? Well, we'll find out at this swanky party they're all at. come on, hit it. nobody can tell you. I'll come in. I'm in a dress. there's only one song we're singing. Oh, the big wigs see me. they may try and sell ya. they're not worried. cause it hangs them up. she's just a whore. she's someone like you. whore?
Troy, I need your belt. I'm pulling out a sword.
Slice! I need your own kind of music. Slice Flow! I need your own special song. stare, stare! I need your own kind of music. Slice the Gods, and I think I'll smile on my face.
Oh, here's to rattling. you seein' this now, mama? No, I don't want this song used in violent movies. Well, okay, how about a movie trailer then? Oh, trailer is shot of a French cathedral. you pan down to a patch of dirt. mama, sing this one like a haunted child this time, All right? here, here.
Well, you've got to make your own kind of music. head shoots up out of the door. sing your own special song. weird girl in burnt clothes crawls out all herky-jerky. make your own kind of music. Burn the Traitor! Even if nobody else sings along. look up to camera. who is she? it's friggin'' Joan of Arc.
I'm back. Joan, Halloween 2024.
See ya. see ya. No, fellas, I'm just not on board with this. this is my song, and I'll decide how it's used. Mama, Mama, this is the music business, baby. there is nothing you can do. nothing I can do. think again. you've got to make your own kind of music. make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along. they were cut and print. Oh, you nailed that. Take, Mama Cass. you really think so, Mitch? Oh, Mitch Lester knows a hit when he hears one. maybe. you agree, record label people? we're anticipating major airplay. the Djs are already calling. so are the late night shows. Oh, this song is gonna be everywhere, mama. and then everybody's gonna forget about it for a long, long time.
Oh, I know. really? Oh, yeah, yeah, baby. But in about 40, 50 years, I think it's gonna start showing up in a bunch of movies, baby. Wow, movies!
Oh, yeah, yeah, because it's a perfect song to go under a slow-mo montage where the main character snaps and goes on a rampage. it is? Oh, yeah, baby. yeah, yeah. let me show you. let me show you. movie is zombies take over the world, you see. And I'm the main girl. and I'm all alone. Hit it! nobody can tell you zombies eatin'' people, city's on fire.
There's only one song worth singing so I should just give up. they may try and sell ya I'm a victim cause it hangs him up or maybe not to see someone like you. He starts to fight back, I grab a shotgun. but you've got to fire! make your own kind of music. Fire, Fire! sing your own special song. Fire, Boom! make your own kind of music.
Fire, Beam! Fire, Beam! nah-nah! Fire, Boom! Fire!
Oh, Troy, here we go. Alright. Amazing, Mitch. great, man. thank you. thank you.
You smell what I'm steppin' in Mama. You see, I think people in the future are really gonna love that juxtaposition. I don't know, Mitch, the song is about celebrating individuality, not zombies. dig, dig, dig. Yeah, forget the zombies. bad example. Oh, how about this?
How about this, Mom? the movie is, I'm a prostitute. I'll serve as some of the most powerful men in the city and got their off on me. But how could a powerless prostitute get even with these big wigs, right?
Well, we'll find out at this swanky party they're all at. come on, hit it! Oh, my gosh. nobody can tell you. I'll come in. I'm in a dress. there's only one song we're singing.
Oh, the big wigs see me. they may try and sell ya. they're not worried. cause it hangs them up. she's just a whore. she's someone like you. whore? try and eat your mouth up on a sword! Slice! take your own crown of you. Slice! Fly! eat your own special song. stare, stare! take your own crown of you. Slice, the God's last thing will smile on my face.
Oh, that's incredible. You seeing this now, mama?
No, I don't want this song used in violent movies. Well, ok, how about a movie trailer, then? Oh, trailer is a shot of a French cathedral. you pan down to a patch of dirt. mama, sing this one like a haunted child this time, all right? Well, you've got to make your own kind of music. head shoots up out of the dirt. sing your own special song. weird girl in burned clothes crawls out all herky-jerky. make your own kind of music. on the trailer. even if nobody else sings along. look up the camera. who is she? it's frigging Joan of Arc. I'm back. Joan, Halloween 2024. see you later. see you later. No, fellas, I'm just not on board with this. this is my song. and I'll decide how it's used. Mama, Mama, this is the music business, baby. there is nothing you can do. nothing I can do. think again. you've got to make your own kind of music. |
cracked | why_weinstein_isn_t_a_hollywood_problem_it_s_a_men_problem_some_news | Here's some news. President Trump wants more credit for his great job with Puerto Rico, but also warns them that he can't help forever because they've got financial problems. So he's going to give them a five billion dollar loan because the definition of relief is crippling debt.
But he also doesn't want us to talk about it because he thinks everyone's unfair and the media should be nicer and is partisan, even though after saying that he immediately went on his friend Sean Hannity's show where it was announced they would not include bipartisan questions. But I guess we just, we just won't talk about it today. Let's be fair, we're going to be balanced. And instead, talk about the left and liberal Hollywood and the entertainment industry and a rich man using his power and influence to take advantage of, harass, assault and abuse women.
I get it. I know what you're trying to do, but like, I get it. But let's move on. We're definitely not going to talk about him again in the context of this topic. I promise.
So here's some news. Media mogul Harvey Weinstein has been accused of a lot of just disgusting abuses of power and taking advantage of young women and jerking off into plants and just, just lots of stuff. Don't want to describe it all. Pretty, pretty gross, end up setting. So instead, here's a quick round of Petty Joke Junction.
Harvey Weinstein, you look like a discontinued McDonaldland character. Harvey Weinstein, you look like a teamster questioned in Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance. Harvey Weinstein, you look like a suspect in a true crime Netflix documentary starring Steve Bannon. If I tried to write a movie about a sweaty fat movie producer who lured young women into his hotel and sexually assaulted them, producers would say it's too on the nose. But if I wrote that same movie and was a woman, Harvey Weinstein would rape me. Harvey Weinstein looks like a police sketch of the richest duck in the world. Harvey Weinstein perpetually looks like his own face, just found out about what he's done.
And he's just one of many. And even though Tucker Carlson tweeted, Hollywood is corrupt, the powerful prey upon the weak and nobody is held accountable, hashtag Tucker at Fox News. This isn't just a Hollywood problem, as evidenced by at Fox News. It's not a left or a right problem, it's everywhere, it's a men problem and a power problem.
And whenever sexual assault comes up, there are a lot of questions. Why didn't these women come forward earlier? Are some of them lying? Why did they let this happen in the first place? Why don't women speak out more? Which brings us to our new, brief, and hopefully one-time segment, shut the fuck up, develop empathy, read a book, and listen to a woman. There are so many reasons. It's hard to come forward, especially in an industry that can punish and shame you for speaking out. There's guilt, self-worth, it's traumatic to relive it. You question whether it was your fault, you question your own value, you don't know what to do, it's scary to accuse powerful men of things, you don't think people will believe you, and you don't want to be attacked for speaking out. You know if you do, ghouls might publish something like this. Those aren't even all the reasons, and it's so frustrating that at this point we even need to discuss that part, or point to the fact that yes, even Terry Crews can be sexually harassed and not know what to do or say about it. A lot of guys might think, but why did she even let it happen?
Fight or flight, you know? Fight or flight? Well, fight or flight are actually only two-fifths of the reactions people have when they're afraid and going through trauma.
The others are friend, which we learned first as babies, freeze, and flop. They're all natural reactions to these situations, and if you don't understand why someone might not do the one you would do, go do the name of this segment. Also, scientists have found that men tend to react with fight or flight and women with friend or freeze, so the next time you're like, finally she's into this, after pressuring her into it, f***ing cool it, man. Cool it.
So we can talk about all the brave women who've come forward and shame those who haven't, but they've done their part and shouldn't have had to, and the industry's done its part to silence them, despite Weinstein's behavior being an open secret for decades. Congratulations, you five ladies no longer have to pretend to be attracted to Harvey Weinstein. Through HR departments, through, but he's a nice guy-ing them, through NBC trying to kill the story, through court settlements.
It happened at Fox, it happened with the president. Ooh, the president. All right, that's right, the president's ex-wife, Ivana, claimed that after a botched hair surgery, Trump came home furious, ripped some of her hair out of her scalp, and violently forced himself on her. Now many of you men might be saying, but newsperson, she took it back later, but actually what she took back was the word rape. She said she wouldn't describe it as rape in the criminal sense. She's never taken back the account of what happened. That's our president.
But hey, join the club, I guess, of men who have not paid for their actions. But Weinstein, at least, has been removed from his company and is traveling out of the country for rehab for his sex addiction, which is a fun way to say fleeing the country for rape.
But how did he really get away with this for so long? Did nobody know? Hard to believe, considering the phrase open secret is used so much in relation to it. Hard to believe that nobody knew. But that's what you'd have to think, seeing as how every single statement from A-list actors is about how appalled they are to hear these stories, which they didn't know about. Ben Affleck, for example, said as much, although then Rose McGowan, one of Harvey's victims, who was silenced by a settlement and has since been silenced by Twitter for speaking out, pointed out to Ben that at her press conference about Weinstein's harassment, Ben told her, God damn it, I told him to stop doing that. So apparently he knew, told him to stop, found out he hadn't, kept knowing, time passed, and then lied about never knowing. And there's no way he wasn't the only one.
So special offer to the first A-list actor who says, I knew because we all knew and we did nothing, gets a single Oreo. It's mini, it's only mini. Congratulations, and good luck to you all. And the first A-list actor to say, I do it too, and so does my brother, gets to stop being Batman, because Ben Affleck is a subject of many accusations of using his position of power to grow up young women, as is his brother Casey. Because... When you're a star, they let you do it.
You can do anything. Whatever you want. Grab him by the...
Though, to be fair, the Batman apologized for one of his accusations. Though, to be really fair, and to quote Rose McGowan, Ben Affleck f**k off. Which brings us to... Fun! Penny Joke Junction again.
Ben Affleck, you look like a Halloween mask of Luke Perry. Ben, since I had daughters I learned to see women as people Affleck, looks like a substitute teacher who eats lunch in the cafeteria with all the students. Ben Affleck, whose last big thing was how sad he looked about Batman sucking, is what happens when a neck becomes a whole person. Not only is Ben Affleck bad at Blackjack, but he also is the kind of guy who cares that he's bad at Blackjack. Ben Affleck, you look like a Ken Doll f**ked a Lego. And if Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and all these actors knew about it but did nothing and won't even admit that, f**k em.
They're rich. They'll be fine. There are so many more talented people available to be movie stars who don't do this s**t. And maybe power and money will change those people, as money and power so often and easily do.
But holy hell, get your house in order dudes. You win an acty award, and then you give a long impassioned speech about how Trump sucks, but like, we know, Trump sucks. And Hollywood liberals going off on him on the night where they celebrate each other is not necessary.
You know what you could do? It would be powerful and important. Win an award, and then in front of all of your colleagues, protest the disgusting open secrets in your industry. Use your platform in a way that would actually be effective. Stop doing PSAs and interviews where you talk about needing gun control, and instead stop making movies where you look like a badass with a gun. You influence the culture with your art, so like, do that.
Talk about the disgusting, powerful people taking advantage of young women. Win an award, and then talk about the child abuse that Corey Feldman's talked about for years, that Judy Garland talked about for decades, the child abuse about which there's a whole documentary literally called an open secret.
Because everybody knows. And we know you know.
So say it, and fix it. Because Weinstein's not the last one to be exposed. Which is to say, he's not the last one to be known about for decades until the official acceptable amount of dozens of women are finally believed. Be honest, liars. As sad as it is to say, one of the most honest men who've spoken about Weinstein is, again, sorry, the president.
Who said, I've known Harvey for a long time. I'm not at all surprised to see it. I wonder why a rich, powerful man with a history of sexual harassment charges wouldn't be surprised about his friend Harvey's behavior. Probably wasn't surprised about Bill O'Reilly either. Or Roger Ailes. Probably won't be surprised about Sean Hannity.
Though, to be fair, let's allow Sean to defend himself by showing how he talks to women in public. There's a really hot looking chick in the third row there. How you doing, man? I'll take you backstage to meet Hank a little later, if you want. You want to meet me later? And I'm sure that public display is in no way indicative of his behavior in private. Which brings us to, fuck yes, Petty Joke Junction again.
Sean Hannity, you look like a muppet guidance counselors use to teach children about divorce. Sean Hannity, you look like a little league coach who starts his son as pitcher every game. Sean Hannity looks like one of those guys who's never eaten pussy and is somehow bizarrely proud of that fact. Fun fact, Sean Hannity goes to Supercuts and asks for the Frankenberry's ghost. Sean Hannity still has to physically plug his nose whenever he jumps into a pool. Sean Hannity has never had a consensual conversation. Sean Hannity has a pair of rollerblades that he has never opened. Sean Hannity, you look like a cardboard cut out of Ben Affleck got Dorian Grayed.
Anyway, back to the good president and his apparent knowledge of at least Harvey Weinstein's behavior. Mr. President, in the interest of draining the swamp, it would be great if you could call out other people about this kind of thing.
Because men need to call each other out for this and support and believe women. You've been accused of this. Louis C.K. has been accused a lot of jerking off in front of young female comics and locking the door so they can't leave. It's, yes, an open secret. Michael Bay makes underage girls audition in bikinis. Brian Singer's been accused by underage boys. There are lots of them.
Jeff Epstein is a rich, powerful man who is also a pedophile and who notoriously flew rich men on the Lolita Express. One passenger on the flight logs is Bill Clinton, rapist. Donald Trump is friends with Epstein too, saying of the pedophile, quote, I've known Jeff for 15 years.
Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it, Jeffrey enjoys his social life.
Hmm, sounds like you know more than you're letting on, Mr. President. So lead the way, Mr. President.
As we've been told by the dumbest motherfucker on the planet, nobody respects women more than you do. Can we have a clip of that? Nobody respects women more than I do. Oh, it was you the whole time. You're the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. But if it's true, and nobody respects women more than you do, then be the Rose McGowan you want to see in the world.
Actually, not the one you want to see, because that version's probably on the younger side. You know? Hey, everybody.
Here are all the things that happen every hour in the news. And you can only pick so many things because it's too much. So don't forget about Puerto Rico. Don't forget about health care. And don't, oh, oh, oh. |
dropout | this_guy_is_cooler_than_you_hardly_working | Isn't it sick? I got it on sale at the mall for like 800 bucks. Do you guys wanna come to my place after work and watch a movie? Yeah, for sure, I'm in. Oh, I can't. I'm going to Shelly Bayou's birthday, so. Oh, right, and you should hit us up after. Oh, I doubt it. I mean, this is a Shelly Bayou's house. You know how that goes. No, I don't know. Who is this?
Shelly Bayou. Bayou.
Allie, Allie, Allie, baby. Don't call me baby. Noted. You don't know Shelly Bayou? Oh, should I? I mean, she was only a second assistant editor on a little show called Lincoln Heights. Lincoln Heights. It was huge. And you're in show business? Allie, get it together, girl. Don't act like you knew who Shelly Bayou was. I think everyone in the industry knows Shelly Bayou.
My bad. Our bad. I don't know why I thought that you were like in the mix or whatever.
Anyway, if you want to watch a movie, I recommend Kiss the Ring. Yes. Oh, what's that about? Oh my god. Have you ever heard of The Godfather? Have you ever heard of that? Yes, of course. I've seen The Godfather. The Godfather is a shot for shot remake of this very specific Italian movie, Kiss the Ring. You are in the industry, right?
Unbelievable. You didn't know that.
She's not as cool as me. Let's be nice.
I mean, we don't want a Michael Jordan situation. The basketball player? No. Michael B. Jordan. B. Jordan. Oh, the actor. No. The artist. Not back.
I don't know them. Are they well known?
If you know anything about TV censorship. Do you even know anything about television censorship?
This is so annoying, Raph. You're just bringing up obscure people so that I'll have to ask you who they are. Does that make you feel important? How was I supposed to know that you weren't familiar with Michael Balaban Jordan? How are we supposed to know? You can't put that on us. That's like saying you don't know who's the guy that shot Biggie? Literally nobody knows. That's the point. No, you would know. I mean, really cool people know. I know the name. If you don't know him, you're like a total lame-o.
It's on the tip of my tongue. Who killed Biggie Smalls who's on the tip of your tongue? Tip of my tongue.
Dennis. Dennis! Dennis?
The guy who washes cars in the garage downstairs, he's like 90. Wow. So I'm going to the nally?
No, you're not. No.
OK, I just googled Michael Balaban Jordan. This is a character you did for an SNL audition. Hi, my name is Rafael Chestang. This first character is called Michael Balaban Jordan.
Hey, I'm walking here. What is this, butter? Thank you. Hi, I'm Rafael from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD. Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
dropout | sh_tflix | Remember those film recommendations based on your interests that somehow don't interest you at all? They're all here. For you to ignore. It's perfect for people who hated paying for all of Netflix when all they really wanted was to watch Disney Channel Originals and the occasional documentary about how horrible food is.
Woody Allen is one of Hollywood's most celebrated directors.
Now with Shitflix, you'll have an all-access pass to just his very worst movies, from September to Alice, Shadows and Fog to Scoop. These are the films he's not known for. Shitflix proudly presents the internet's largest library of Hispanic stand-up specials, while also featuring all this random British stuff produced between 1989 and 1994. If you're into shameless knockoffs like Ratatoying and Transmorphers, and who is, sign up for a Gold membership. Gold members also get access to a staggering amount of anime without anything remotely sexual. And just like Netflix spawn Quickster, Shitflix is proud to present WhattheFuckster.com, recent movies that you somehow never heard of even though they star multiple very famous actors.
Sign up today for Shitflix, starting at just $79.98 a week. Or go to Blockbuster, a way we bankrupted them each shit, also Netflix is now just Memento. |
dropout | the_shocking_way_private_prisons_make_money_adam_ruins_everything | You got me into this? No, you get me out! I promise, I have someone working on it.
But in the meantime, this is a great opportunity to explain why our nation's prison system is a failure on every level. So you know a lot about prison?
I bet you watch a lot of PBS documentaries, huh? I guess you're right, I do like first-hand knowledge. Ooh, maybe you can help me do this episode? Sure, nothing better to do. Whoa, do you have magic TV powers like Adam? Nope, but I got a lot of favorites.
Early lunch today. Early lunch today, everyone.
America's prison system is a total mess. Whatever purpose you think it serves, it ain't doing it. Well, the point of prison is to reduce crimes. Definitely not doing that. There are 2.2 million people incarcerated in the U.S. 10 times more than 50 years ago. Two million is more than the population of some states. Welcome to Mass Incarceration of Two Sits.
Our primary export is shivs. Our secondary export, cod. Hey, that's Cod-tra-band.
But despite this massive increase in the prison population, a study conducted by the NYU School of Law found that the effect on the crime rate has been essentially zero. Zero? Then why do we lock so many people up?
Well, I can't speak for all prisons, but this one is here to make money. Make money? Give me someone who's profiting from all this?
Yep. These guys are. It all started in the tough-on-crime 80s, when the war on drugs meant state and federal prisons were bursting at the seams. So many prisoners.
What do we do? Let corporate America handle your prisons. We'll take care of everything.
Save you a few bucks and skim a little off the top. Well, business is running prisons. That sounds a little fishy. Just kidding. I mean, hey, if it saves money, right? And so the Corrections Corporation of America, or CCA, was born. Okay, hold on. You can't just sell prisons like they're cars or real estate or hamburgers. Now, why don't you tell that to Tom Beasley, the co-founder of CCA, who once said, you just sell prisons like you were selling cars or real estate or hamburgers. CCA, can I take your order? And they raked in a ton of scratch. Last year, CCA took in $1.7 billion. Business is so good, it's criminal. Well, you know, maybe it's okay because they're saving the taxpayer money. Sorry. The sales pitch was wrong.
The data shows that private prisons cost the taxpayers just as much as regular prisons. And today, nearly one-fifth of federal prisoners are held in a for-profit facility.
Okay. Ah, graffiti. That's an infraction. A beautiful one. Are you Banksy? Oh, my gosh. I've already gotten a fraction. They must give out a lot of these. Oh, yeah. That's not a coincidence.
One study showed that private prisons dole out twice as many infractions as government prisons. Not having enough infractions. That's an infraction. These penalties can lengthen your sentence, which earns the company even more cash. Oh, so the more people that are in prison, the more money they make. Ooh, that's dirty. Yup. That's why private prisons sneak occupancy clauses into their contracts, which actually require states to keep prisons full. Last year, a private prison in Arizona didn't make their 97% capacity quota, so the state government had to pay them a $3 million fine. Fines like that incentivize cash-strapped states to keep people in prison as long as possible. Your parole forms are in order, and you've been a model prisoner, so we're going to lock you back up. We really can't afford to pay another fine. That's reprehensible. Look, not all prisons are private prisons, but this one is, so no, its purpose isn't to stop crime.
It's the dollar-dollar bills, y'all. Whoo! I can't believe all this has been happening, and I didn't even know. I mean, I've never thought about prison, like, at all. Hey, pulling back the curtain on our disturbing business practices, that's an infraction. Hey, that makes three infractions.
It's just solitary. Okay, that doesn't sound so bad. You know, peace and quiet, do some meditating. No, solitary confinement is a cruel and inhumane punishment that has no place in modern society.
Wait, what? We'll tell you about it after you get settled in the hole. No, tell me now! |
dropout | every_ncaa_bracket_strategy | Hey guys. March Madness is coming up. Want to get an office pool going?
Yeah, that sounds like fun. Do you hear that? I hear that.
It's money. These fucking nobodies are about to get taken for a ride and they're too stupid to see it coming. I know these teams backwards and forwards. I've got years all over the country. Somebody gets a new formation, loses a man to an injury. Somebody takes a fucking foul shot. I hear about it.
You want to say, Grant, stop. You're taking your office pool too seriously. Fuck you. Go watch hockey. You guys know what you're doing? Great. Oh jeez.
Who should I pick? Do you smell that? I smell chumps. These guys don't know I have a strategy. How do I win? I pick teams that I think I've maybe heard of once. The key and baby, that key starts the ignition.
Duke, boom. I've heard they're good at basketball. They're in my final four. So are Louisville and Kentucky. I looked it up and those are two different schools. Boom. Alabama, they're good at sports, right? I know they're good at football so they're probably pretty good at basketball too. Boom. That's how you pick a winning bracket, dickheads.
When did they play the first game? On the 13th, I think.
Do you feel that? I feel power. And it feels like falling in love for the very first time.
I'm going to beat these drips. How? By going online and copying the first bracket I see.
Think that takes the fun out of it? You're a child. Go find a fucking swing set and a camp counselor to have wet dreams about, little girl.
This is an office pool. The most important competition there is.
Can I borrow someone's pen? Oh, here. Take mine.
Taste that. Tastes like opportunity. It's making my mouth wet like a pussy. I pick the teams with the funniest names.
Gonzaga, Valparaiso. Now it's not a drug, it's a school.
Wooford. Woof woof wooford. Oh yeah.
Fucking Xavier. Xavier's a funny name. Wanna know why? Professor X. That's why. They're pronounced differently.
I don't give a shit. You could shit in my hand. I wouldn't give your own shit back to you. It's how little a shit I give.
How much do we bet? Oh, I hope it's not too expensive. Do you see something? I see cash and it's like the face of God and he is smiling and saying, nobody remembers that embarrassing thing that you said in middle school. I fill in my bracket alphabetically, so get ready for your new national champion's motherfucking Abilene Christian University motherfuckers. How about five dollars? Yeah. I'm in. Do you have an intuition about that? It's a possibility.
I'm gonna fill out my bracket, it'll get busted right away, and I'll get real mad at myself. Then, I'll act superior to the whole thing in sports in general. Why? Because I'm no fucking fun. Who's collecting them? I will.
Preseason baseball's about to start. Do you guys want to take some bets on that? Actually, no, I hate baseball. Yeah. Baseball's very boring.
If you click right here, you can pretend like you're holding me and I'm a tiny person. Whoa.
Let me down. |
dropout | beer_beer_goggles | Oh, yeah, I like how happy that is vanilla undertones last call I wonder where Mike's at man. Can I see him? What the hell is he doing? Look what he's got his lips all over. He's so wasted man Got those beer beer goggles on beer goggles. No beer beer Mike bro, what are you doing with that macro brew man? This man.
This is a great beer This is the best beer in the beer bar. How did this happen? You started the night out with that nice little heffa visor. Yeah, and I just saw you hitting up that Irish red a couple hours ago Look, I spent all my money and then they disappeared That beer is a two occasion. Everyone is watching you drink. Alright fine So maybe the beer I'm drinking is not a bourbon barrel aged imperial stout, but it's not like it's a Maddie That's not that far off from the net. Now.
I feel like you're hot blocking me though. We're bros. No one's trying to hot block you man We just want you to get the best one here.
You're telling me you wouldn't rabbit tap one of those Yeah, I mean, of course I would but they're so intimidating half of them are foreign doesn't stop me and Dylan. Yeah Well, I'm not you okay I don't drink beer with a full body or nice curves or a beer that gives you good head Okay, so let's not all gang up on Mike because his beer choice is not as good as yours You know what? I think I think all beers I'm saying Don't say so just it's true.
They're all the same They just mess with your mind and meet you come back for more and more. So why not this one, right? Just want to get my mouth. That's all it's all baby.
All right What are you looking oh Jesus Mike, you don't know where that cans been look I've been with literally like hundreds of beers like that back in high school. They call me the beer slayer This is not high school, man. You're a grown man. You could do better than that.
Just so thirsty All right for tonight. I was dry for a month.
You know what? I got a friend. It's got a great beer Okay, little blonde from Germany, huh? You guys would hit it off.
I don't like blondes. They give me headaches That's your problem, man. We're trying to set you up with something better, but you don't want something better You like slumming it because you're afraid that the better beers aren't gonna like you, but I got news for you pal Beers don't have feelings mind your own business, right?
I'll drink whenever I want to drink. Okay, sure. Whatever man Try to be your friend I could better when they don't talk If you're not watching this on college humor calm and you're missing out on the funniest videos pictures and articles since the invention of the internet in 1994 |
TheOnion | Why_Does_It_Seem_Like_Movie_Ratings_Are_Harder_On_Willem_Dafoe_Sex_Than_Willem_Dafoe_Violence | Movie ratings are supposed to help protect viewers from inappropriate content, right? Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker! But how does the ratings board decide what's appropriate, and what happens if they're biased? In particular, why does it seem like ratings are so much more strict when it comes to Willem Dafoe-related sex as opposed to Willem Dafoe-related violence? Under our current rating system, it's okay for an unaccompanied minor to see Willem Dafoe killing people with pumpkin bombs as the Green Goblin in Spider-Man. But at the same time, Willem Dafoe making love to Madonna in Body of Evidence earns the harshest possible rating of NC-17. The Motion Picture Association of America has a strict rating system that determines which films are suitable for certain audiences, but the association tacked on the fairly family-friendly rating of PG-13 to speed two, despite relatively graphic scenes of Willem Dafoe violence. Time and time again, movies with even a brief Willem Dafoe sex scene get slapped with an R rating, or worse. Do we really think it's worse for our children to see Willem Dafoe openly depicting human sexuality than brutally murdering dozens of people? What does it say about American culture that we choose to shelter our kids from even brief Willem Dafoe nudity, while at the same time exposing them to gratuitous Willem Dafoe violence? If the purpose of ratings is to ensure that young people don't copy inappropriate things they see Willem Dafoe do on screen, maybe it's time we thought a little more about exactly which Willem Dafoe we'd rather have them emulate. For The Onion, I'm Sean Ditko. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_259_Tim_Ross_talks_Australian_architecture_Part_2 | and welcome back to the Matoota Advocate Podcast. This is part two of our thrilling interview with Tim Ross talking about Australian architecture, Australian design and what it looks like moving forward and what it has looked like over the years past. The first episode was quite a stimulating discussion. It was such a big yarn that we actually had to split this up into two weeks. So sit back and enjoy part two. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Matoota Advocate on Desert Rock FM.
If you could pick all this apart and look at one vein, do we have a uniquely Australian design? Do we have a uniquely Australian brand of architecture? And if so, tell me what it looks like.
Oh, there's plenty of them. But I mean, in the most obvious way is those, the one that the world has responded to is Glenn Merkett's idea of the tin shed. Like the plantation chic. So he just sort of took the tin shed and that materiality. But the one I really love, and it's sort of out of fashion, but so there's, I was talking about him before, you know, this guy Michael Dysart, and he is a wonderful, I'm such a fan of his work, and he designed the first demountable. The most, public schools love him. The most underrated piece of Australian architecture going around, completely practical.
The reason we still need them today is the reason we needed them back in the 1960s is that we don't know how many kids are going to turn up on day one. So basically in the 1960s, they added an extra year of school and they went, oh, where are we going to put all these kids? Plus we've got a baby boom going on. And so he just goes, all right, we're going to design a room that we can put on the back of the truck.
And they are beautiful in their own way. They were hot and cold, but so was your bedroom when you were a kid. But Michael went out to looked at Elizabeth farm in Parramatta and they were just knocking everything over in the 1960s. And so they work with the housing trust, the national trust hold onto this building. And it's a classic house, you know, pioneer homestead style house with the veranda and very much perfect for this climate. And Michael in 1971 or something like that creates a modernist version of that as a project home for all Australians. And they are beautiful and people really liked them. And then they get copied. So when, by the 1980s, you see them all the time, because there's this sense of we're looking back, colonial style history is big rise of the bicentenary. And then by the time it gets to the early 90s, that style of sort of faux colonial buildings are still really popular, but they've got none of the design intent that he had.
So we lose all of that stuff. And everything becomes about the fashion.
So I think those styles of buildings are remarkably asked, but you anything that we see that responds to climate, and we will see that everywhere. And I think that's this sort of wonderful leap forward that we're seeing in our domestic architecture, despite housing unaffordability is that we will continue to see great architects do great things. We've got beautiful light, we've got beautiful climate. And for the moment, we've still got more space than anyone else really to do these things. And the sadness is that not more people can have that dream of being able to hook into this. But maybe this is the reset, you know, you know, if we are looking at an Albanese housing fund, we are looking at all these things. It's clear we need to build more houses. And maybe it is time for some sort of a template. Yeah, I think that architects too, especially in this country get kind of lumped in with being, you know, less practical people and more like on the artistry side of things.
Yeah, but I think the Saab owners. So I mean, I love this, right? So you've all been in a terrace house. Yeah. And now I like I call them like, they're like the cockroach of Australian design. They're indestructible.
And we will accept them in all sorts of ways. You know, we've all been in one that's been a tan restaurant, a tire restaurant, a dentist, you know, in some places, they're brothels, you know, and so they've been used in so many different ways. Then they still really work because of the density. Like you can put a lot of people in a short period of time, they've got heaps of privacy.
And so they can adapt in the early and those early houses, you know, people wouldn't go past the first bedroom and that first bedroom wasn't a bedroom. It was a dining room. No one ever lived in those front bedrooms. So they've adapted over time in different ways. So your guests would just pull in there. That was it. And that would, yeah, you wouldn't, you wouldn't go past. You often see in any of those houses, even the Queenslanders, there's like a decorative sort of frame in the hallway. And that was sort of signifying where you could go. You couldn't go any further than that. And people would rarely use a bathroom at a friend's place. And that would be it. You would go into the front room and that was it. So they have adapted in time and use that.
So the next real challenge for our existing housing stock, because this is truly the answer for affordability is how do we take the houses that were there in the suburbs without knocking them over and then adapt them to a new way of living, which is what I was talking about with before, which is this sort of multigenerational homes or splitting existing housing stock in into two houses or three houses. And that's where design's important because you can put a kitchen in with, you know, about the size of a upright piano. That's all you really need. And so for one or two people. So that's where the government need to get on board and they do it all the time, right? They call it the missing middle. And the missing middle is this idea of how infill, they talk about it a lot in Perth because in Perth, it's more of an issue because you can't keep expanding forever because they don't have the money to put new schools in it and they won't put new train lines in. So you go, we've got to make the most of where we are. And so there's a huge backyard there. And the answer isn't just knocking things over and putting apartments in. It's saying, how do we put three houses here really beautifully and keep that house that's at the front or split this existing house.
And so, you know, when you go to over the years, well, everyone would have visited some apartment in the inner city that was once a mansion that was turned into 16 apartments. That's what's going to happen with McMansions. They are going to have to be carved up into individual apartments in the suburbs. But sadly enough, I think they'll all get knocked over. And the evolution of how the McMansion becomes a much more interesting building in the future is a fascinating one because they will be adapted.
In preparation for this interview, I was doing a bit of reading about architecture and repurposing things like this. And I was reading about, there's this architecture firm in Canberra, that's turning all the old sort of gubbys. And instead of tearing down these houses, they're turning these gubbys into like houses which have like a passive design with them. Like they make them airtight and all that stuff like that. So rather than tearing down all what Canberra is, which was essentially how you can build the fastest amount of houses very quickly, but they look nice from space. But like, yeah, they're really interesting because they take a really, it's a science-based approach to architecture, which is saying, well, then we need to make houses far more sustainable. And the most, you know, when they talk about seven star buildings, you know, oh my God, the most sustainable building is a building you keep. Because once you knock over a building and then you build something with concrete, it's like, whoa, that's the sadness of it. You know, 30 year old building, get rid of that one, knock it down.
Does it ever blow your mind? Does it ever blow your mind that people that are involved in this game, construction or whatever, or hospitality?
I'll always remember one moment, there was an old pub near the cross called the Tradesman's Arms. Tilly Devine used to drink there, iconic Sydney pub. Got bought out, I won't say the name of the new owners because they're still in operation, but I popped my head in one day when they were revamping it. And I saw them taking a jackhammer to the jade tiles on the wall of the pub. I remember thinking, at least 20 people have been involved in this decision.
Like you're not getting that back. You're not getting those tiles, like the old pub tiles that, you know, Tilly Devine used to sit up in front of when she was running 12 knock shops up the street.
That's a very historical erasure I've just witnessed there. That blew my mind. Does it ever blow your mind when you're meeting people who were like, you know, I would just pull this fucking thing down?
All that constantly, constantly. And the argument is that, yeah, well you're talking about tiles that were put in there because the six o'clock swill, because people would just piss at the bar. And they replaced it with the, with the, like that Tasmania industrial chic, just concrete look. I mean, you know, we've all worked in a, in a business or most of us have in a place where, do you know, there's someone in the office who's in charge of buying furniture and they always buy shit furniture. And the person always in charge is, you know, you gotta put the signs up on the fridge and all that shit. And that just happens on a larger scale when it comes to people are usually taking it upon themselves too, which I guess is where a lot of the, uh, and you know, you're saying, okay, cause why does it matter?
Well, cause once that one goes and then the next one goes and the next one goes and it normalizes everything until you turn around and you know, that's what the what's happened on the Gold Coast. Like the Gold Coast is the gold star when it comes to what happens when you do whatever you want. And in, in the smallest period of time, like it's, we're talking about 70 years of taking one of the most beautiful places in the country and changing it into something that is still got a beautiful beach, but it's extraordinary what they did there. Like in the 1960s, you would like, you see those photos and they go, Oh, we put in some, there's four motels and there's one high rise and there's no one who lives within two kilometres of them. And then you look at it today and you go, that's the future in front of us. If we don't, does the Gold Coast have a look? Is there a textbook Gold Coast look?
I don't know. I mean, you made so many different types of high rise, but you know, the story of those motels mad, like there was these guys, and let's talk about isolation of this country, right? So in the 1950s, there's a whole bunch of them and they go to America and they take photos of motels and they come back with their little box brownies and then they give the photos to their builders and say, can you build me one of those? And they're all out of whack. They're all out of scale and that's how they ended up.
And now Bernie Elsie was the guy who pretty much created the Gold Coast. He was the one who talked to Ansett into putting the flights in, he created the meter maids later on.
Yeah. And he had the bolo tie. Yeah.
I think he ended up in the Fitzgerald inquiry, but of course, he was really smart and he had, he had to the, the two beachcombers and he created, he saw that princess Margaret was going to these pyjama parties. He saw that in the news, he went, I'm going to have these in my motel.
And so that all where their pyjamas in, and then they didn't all end up in the pool and you couldn't drink after a certain time. And so they always have a band playing and then the cops would turn up and then everyone chucked the beers in the pool so they wouldn't get arrested. And the cops used to take off their clothes to jump in the pool to get the beers and the band used to play the stripper music every time they did it. It happened every night.
And then Bernie worked out that he changed it from pyjama parties where everyone could bring their own clothes to a Hawaiian party where you'd wear a lei. And then he'd rent them to him for two bucks. And then if you went in the pool, it was ruined and you had to pay five bucks. So every, it was huge. But his golden streak ran out in the 1964, but he booked the Beatles to play on their famous tour. And then he read the contract and realised he had to put them up for the night and feed them. And he was such a tight ass. He, he went, I'm not part of it.
Can I just want some chips?
So is that where that would have been the Maori show band era? That was the big thing we learned from HG Nelson when he did his secret cities. Every hotel had a Maori show band with 10 people playing and they'd all rotate someone to go get a feed and then get back up there. It's just extraordinary.
Then the next level is that they, they were sort of these Americana style. Motels came along and then on up the front. And then by the, certainly by the 1980s, most of them are gone and now they keep a few signs and there's some of them are still left, but you know, that's progress.
The Gold Coast is just the Australian Emirates. I mean, it's our Dubai.
We need the line. We need a big line.
Oh, oh man. Oh man.
Well, just quickly, I mean the motels, I'm going to go back and look at your motel series, but let's talk about designing a legacy. What sparked you on this particular journey? This is the second one I've done. I've third series for the ABC and the second one, designing a legacy was mostly about domestic architecture and these wonderful stories about people who've grown up in amazing houses and some people, you know, they think, oh shivers, what I'm doing.
I'm, we love this house, but we don't want it to get knocked over. What are we going to do with mum or dad's house or a house?
Some people gave them away. Some people bought back their family home. Some of them have been bequeathed.
And so it's just about connecting the stories of architecture with people. And this one takes a broader look at that, how important our landscape is in the first one and how important connecting to landscape is to us. Also how our buildings need to tell a different story. They've always told the one story. And that's been really, really great to unpack. In a TV point of view, talk about designing for country and facing up to the buildings need to represent an indigenous history and connect with country. So that's, that was really fulfilling. And then tackling some of these ideas about housing affordability and housing models and social housing. Okay. So we weren't just coming on with a long run up at the start of this. No, we've talked about all of it.
I think the social housing thing is particularly important to me. I was pretty heavily involved in Sydney to save the serious building. And that was this beautiful, brutalist building. And that's been people's homes and the rocks and the government basically, you know, they sold it for 70 million.
Oh no, come on. I can't get up to fact, just maybe it's 150 million. There's a considerable difference.
I can't remember, but you know, they sold it for not enough money. And then the developers sold the penthouse for 35 million, 150 rocks sold for 150. They sold the penthouse for 35. So there's 79 apartments and they didn't even sell them for $2 million each.
The government's just fire sailing our assets. And what happened was, it's like, we're involved in this campaign. There's a whole bunch of us as architects. There's some politicians on the roof. There's the social housing tenants and there's a real ragtag of us.
And you know, we're all passionate about it for varying different reasons. Some, you know, more about the architecture, some more about social housing. And I sort of started in the camp where I wanted to save this building that I always thought was amazing. And then I realised what's really important is the social housing element. One of the things I did was that I realised that we had to change people's perception of it and we needed to do a marketing campaign for the building. And so we made it super Instagram friendly. So people take lots of photos of it.
And then I, we were doing these, we created this thing called Friday Night Serious, which was instead of having a drink at the pub, bring all your mates down to Sirius. We'll put on some beers and some sausages. So we started having, you know, there'd be three, 400 people who turn up on a Friday and have beers around this place.
And I wanted to bring people in who had never been to it because they were like, oh, it's brutal, it's ugly. And I said, come up and feel it, touch it, get your head around it. We'll talk to you about why it's important.
And so that was working really well. And my desire was to make it non-political. So there was no speeches because when we did the demonstrations, but if you conservative governments and still, as soon as you march, they don't care. And it was under Baird too. Like, you know, he was shutting down Greyhound racing. He wasn't giving a fuck about anything. There was, you could pretty much say that if you were, that wasn't going to change anyone's mind.
So we did this thing and we had all the people and this is public space. And then we, I think after the third or fourth one, they put the cyclone fence around the building to stop us from gathering. It's a real act of bastardry.
And the other thing I got this, I got this mate, Pete Chadwick, who did this Brutalism book in the UK, really great graphic designer. And he did like, all these amazing albums, like Groove Amato, the Scrima Delica, Primal Screen. And so he made these great posters.
And so we put a little bit of money that we'd done from some fundraising into laying these posters all over Sydney, sort of making this building iconic. And so we get to the stage, the government sell it. The major reason the developer didn't knock it over was that if he knocked it over, he couldn't build it up as high again. That was a plan, one of the quirks of planning. But the advertising campaign that he did, and there's these wraparounds on the front page of the odds and all that sort of stuff, talked about this serious social housing building being iconic piece of architecture. So in the process of trying to save the building, we've made it iconic, and we've made him millions and millions of dollars.
Trenton Larkin Yeah. So it was sold for 150 million by the Berejiklian government. And it resulted for the developer $435 million for the sales. Paul Anthony Yeah. But at least people appreciate Brutalism. Trenton Larkin Yeah. And so you can live there and go, this is a Brutalist building. Paul Anthony My favourite, what I loved about that building was when they were holding strong and the last tenants were refusing to be thrown out. One of the, I think one of the last ones was this old nonner on the roof who was blind. Trenton Larkin Yeah. Paul Anthony And all the property, fuck, it blew their mind.
All these property pigs are like, she can't even see the view.
Trenton Larkin Yeah. Paul Anthony I was hoping she'd stay on as long as possible. Did you feel any- Trenton Larkin Maya, she was beautiful. Paul Anthony Did you feel any dirty tactics from the, did you get any late night phone calls? Because it gets to that point. Trenton Larkin When we took them to court, I can't remember exactly what it was. I wasn't deeply involved in the legal, legal, challenging the Heritage Minister, Mark Speakman at the time. Paul Anthony They just, they loved coming personal about it. Trenton Larkin Peritay, what do you call him?
Like, what is this, you know, this group, you know, be great architect and a former radio DJ. Paul Anthony And I was like, oh, well, at least they're taking notice. But the, in terms of messaging and my how, how we knew it worked was he started off, you know, he did this editorial and the Telegraph and it was like, it's about as sexy as a car park. And then he ended up saying, actually, from some angles, I suppose it can be attractive. Because we did this thing, I love this one.
So during Vivid, some of the guys from one of the young kids from the one of the architecture firms had been working on saving it. They went down to a higher place. And they hide some lights. And so we lit it up and made it look like it was part of Vivid. And so everyone was taking photos. I mean, that that made the government spare as well. Because, you know, that vivid is their baby. They control it. And then what the fuck's that? There it is with these all these kids stopping and taking photos.
Trenton Larkin Harbour bridges. Paul Anthony So that was that stuff was cool. But yeah, I think the sadness is that when you're coming back to that point, you know, what, what did my she couldn't even see the view. And then suddenly that becomes there was a constant thing that would turn up on Facebook. Why don't I get a harbour view? Trenton Larkin Yeah.
Paul Anthony So what changed with us? When we cared about where people lived in the mid 1970s, and to the point where we suddenly didn't give a shit. Or more to the point, the reason they sold out the whole of the rocks, right? The terrace houses, the whole lot, a whole suburb, Trenton Larkin New South Wales property and Ray White on the same sign out front of the flats. Paul Anthony A whole suburb where people had lived for over 100 years, community disappeared, moved out completely, and turned into an Airbnb suburb where no one lives.
You can park there all the time, because there's no one there. But this is the most fascinating thing about it. Like, the reason it existed, and why it worked so well was that they build all those houses. So people who worked at the docks could be close to their family.
They were doing that 100 years ago. And now we're struggling to do the same with our teachers. And yeah, like we were better at it then.
Trenton Larkin It is. Yeah. I mean, the Woolamaloo is the same, the green band, you talk about all that kind of stuff. And once upon a time, the trade unions would turn up for something like this. Maybe they will, maybe they will now.
Paul Anthony The green bands on that building is the reason that they started to demolish the rocks. And there was that they demolished where Sirius was.
And Jack Mundey came along and, and he led that movement. And he was an extraordinary man. Trenton Larkin He was also the man that made sure they didn't put a car park at the back of the Opera House. He made them go underground. Paul Anthony And for good, I think. Trenton Larkin Imagine if there was a fucking car park. Paul Anthony But they tried to, and it wouldn't surprise if they did, you know. And Jack Mundey is from fucking Cairns.
Like there was this, Jack would have been in his, I don't know, maybe early 80s when we were doing the campaign. And I was on stage hosting this, one of these events. Maybe it was the demo, I can't remember.
But anyway, someone said, Oh, I don't know whether Jack's going to speak or not. And I said, are you going to speak Jack? He goes, Oh, I don't know.
And he was like, pretty frail. And then he said, Oh, okay, I'll speak. And he sort of, he's frailly got up the steps and got in front of the mic. And then he opened up his mouth.
And it was the most glorious thing I've ever seen. Trenton Larkin Castro. Paul Anthony Unbelievable. Like, you know, just in that old school way that people can talk and corral a crowd and control the crowd. He was magnificent. Trenton Larkin Well, in the Albanese government, well, the Albanese government's led by an Anthony Albanese.
We just spent 10, 20 minutes talking about the rocks. Albanese mentor was a war veteran, former Golden Globe boxer turned public housing defender and advocate Tommy Uren. So if you are listening to this Albanese, and I know your staffers are, just remember that, just remember that we started talking about these housing funds and social housing. I wonder what Tom Uren would say about what happened to the rocks in the last 10 years.
Well, people sat on their hands, of course. Everyone except today's guest, Tim Ross. Thank you for joining us. To be fair to Albo was down there for the fight for Sirius.
Oh, he's got a bit more power now. But he was there. He was in opposition and it's owned by the state government. And the Labour Party was not in power. So it's like, He was the shadow minister. Well, I don't remember what he was, but he turned up a lot. He did turn up a lot. Aside from doing what the IRA did, I mean, there probably wasn't too much that the Labour Party could do in that respect there.
Can I always say this about, there's a guy worked on the TV show for the ABC, right? Amir.
He's a refugee. And his family is still in a refugee camp. And he doesn't have a passport.
So he can work on our show. He's making the most beautiful shows for the ABC.
I can't go anywhere.
Amir. So like, you know, he's, uh, uh, he's, uh, he's electricity. Tanya Plibersex, Tanya, Sydney city. Well, Tanya, as environment minister. Tap on the shoulder to a home affairs minister. Amir is it?
Let him stay. God damn it. He's allowed to stay. Fucking pass. Let him leave momentarily.
He hasn't even been to Bali yet. He's still in limbo.
All right. Purgatory. Well, thanks gentlemen. I thought I landed a punch on Albanese there, but you guys rushed to his defense. Uh, just stating facts.
Here's to a future of, uh, co-op. Cooperative housing, cooperative housing, intergenerational.
Can't get rid of your parents type. Oh, you can get rid of them.
They just moved in the granny flat. They moved to the granny flat and you move them into a home and you rent out the granny flat. Then you can travel. I put 18 kids in here from fucking overseas. When the grandparents get moved into a home, that's when the teenager moves into the granny flat to rip cons.
Where we suddenly didn't give a shit or more to the point. The reason they sold out the whole of the rocks, right? The terrace houses, the whole lot. I remember the sign. A whole suburb, South Wales property and Ray white on the same sign out front of the flats. A whole suburb where people had lived for over a hundred years, community disappeared, moved out completely and turned into an Airbnb suburb where no one lives. You can park there all the time cause there's no one there.
But this is the most fascinating thing about it. Like the reason it existed and why it worked so well was that they build all those houses. So people who worked at the docks could be close to their family. They were doing that a hundred years ago. And now we're struggling to do the same with our teachers and like we were better at it then.
It is. Yeah. I mean the Woolamaloo is the same. The green band, you talk about all that kind of stuff.
And once upon a time, the trade unions would turn up for something like this. Maybe they will. Maybe they will now.
The green bands on that building is the reason that they started to demolish the rocks and there was that they demolished where Sirius was. And Jack Mundy came along and, and he led that movement and he was an extraordinary man. He was also the man that made sure they didn't put a car park at the back of the opera house. He made them go underground.
And for good, I think. Imagine if there was a fucking car park at the back of the opera house. And it wouldn't surprise if they did. And Jack Mundy is from fucking Cairns. Yeah.
Like there was this, Jack was, would have been in his, I don't know, maybe early eighties when we were doing the campaign. And I was on stage hosting this, one of these events and maybe it was the demo, I can't remember. But anyway, someone said, oh, I don't know whether Jack's going to speak or not. And I said, are you going to speak Jack? He goes, oh, I don't know.
And he was like, pretty frail. And then he said, oh, okay, I'll speak. And he sort of, he's fraily got up the steps and got in front of the mic.
And then he opened up his mouth and it was the most glorious thing I'd ever seen. Castro. Unbelievable. Like, you know, just in that old school way that people can talk and corral a crowd and control the crowd. He was magnificent.
Well, in the Albanese government, the Albanese government's led by an Anthony Albanese. We just spent about 10, 20 minutes talking about the rocks. Albanese's mentor was a war veteran, former golden glove boxer turned public housing defender and advocate, Tommy Uren. So if you are listening to this Albanese and I know your staffers are, just remember that. Just remember that when we started talking about these housing funds and social housing. I wonder what Tom Uren would say about what happened to the rocks in the last 10 years.
People sat on their hands, of course. Everyone, except today's guests, Tim Ross, thank you for joining us. To be fair, the elbow was down there for the fight for Sirius.
He's got a bit more power now. But he was there. He was in opposition and it's owned by the state government. The labor party was not in power. So it was like, he was the shadow minister. I don't remember what he was. He turned up a lot. Aside from doing what the IRA did, I mean there probably wasn't too much that the labor party could do in that respect there.
Can I always say this about, there's a guy who worked on the TV show for the ABC, right? Amir. He's a refugee and his family is still in a refugee camp and he doesn't have a passport. So he can work on our show. He's making the most beautiful shows for the ABC. Can't go anywhere. Amir. So like, you know, he's, uh, uh, he's, uh, he's electricity.
Tanya Plibersek. Tanya, Sydney city. Well, Tanya.
As environment minister. Tap on the shoulder to a home affairs minister.
Amir is it? Yeah. Let him stay. God damn it. He's allowed to stay. Just give him just let him leave momentarily.
He hasn't even been to Bali yet. He's still in limbo.
Oh, right. Purgatory. Well, thanks gentlemen. I thought I landed a punch in Albanese there, but you guys rushed to his defense. Uh, just stating facts.
Here's to a future of, uh, co-op cooperative housing, cooperative housing, intergenerational can't get rid of your parents. Oh, you can get rid of them.
They just moved in the granny flat. They moved to the granny flat and now you move them into a home and you rent out the granny flat. And then you can travel. I put 18 kids in here from fucking overseas. When the grandparents get moved into a home, that's when the teenager moves into the granny flat to rip cons.
And you know, this is an Australian passage. So a writer passage.
Thank you for joining us today, Tim. Pleasure gents. Thanks, mate. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_grandkids_in_the_movies_saturday_night_live | The following is a message for old people. Hi. has this ever happened to you? you're watching a movie, and you get confused and scared because you don't recognize anyone? Well, you're not alone. I used to get scared all the time, but not anymore. because my wife took all the movies and put my grandkids in them. they're good boys, and they're pretty good actors, and now you can enjoy them too. because I'm selling copies of what my wife did. Check out this scene from No Country for Old Men. you're not getting any rain up here, are you? Well, business isn't of yours. where I'm from. friendo. hi, great boss! hi! did you see them? they're the ones behind the counter. Thank God my wife did that. I love her so much, even though we sleep in separate beds now. check out this scene from Michael Clayton. right now there's a B.c.i. unit pulling paint chips off a guardrail. tomorrow they're gonna be looking for the owner of A. that phone's in the movie, Grandpa. that's not your phone. don't get it. you're okay. okay. hi. you know, I like how it was them instead of some stranger in the movie.
And what about these other films and the new words they're saying? I don't understand anything.
I'm liking this scene from Juno. third test today, Mama Bear. your eggo is Preggo. he's saying that he thinks she's pregnant, Grandpa. maybe your little boyfriend's got meat and sperms. knocked you up twice. I'm not actually sure what he meant that time, Grandpa. hang on. that ain't the wench of sketch. this is one doodle that can't be undid, Holmes Gillet. Okay, fast forward, Grandpa. it gets better. Hi, Grandpa! you know, they also give me a heads up when things get a bit chaotic. Now, take this scene from the transforming robots. Mama! there's too much, too much action!
The green button! The green button! this isn't real, Grandpa!
And what about volume? it's either too loud or too quiet, like in There Will Be Blood. Well, if it's in me, it's in you.
But times when I see nothing worth liking. isn't that nice, having my grandkids in that movie instead of some stinko you can't remember their name? Now, we've got all your favorite movies right here. So please, buy my Dvds that my wife made, and don't be scared anymore. |
dropout | making_boring_holidays_sexy | What's the matter? Father's Day is coming up. I have no idea what to get my daddy. Tell me about it.
My dad, he buys everything that he wants for himself, so it makes it normal. Not my dad. My daddy. Our daddies, Raph. Isn't that what I just said? No, not a dad. A daddy. Like daddy. Oh, like a sex daddy? Yes, exactly. Daddy. Do they get Father's Day gifts though? That seems like a little disrespectful to your dad. This isn't about my dad, it's about my daddy. Day after day, I beg my daddy for the wildest things, and daddy gives it to me. Yes, daddy, yes, but daddy's day is the one day a year that daddy can get what daddy wants. Oh, okay. But daddies are impossible to shop for. Especially my daddy. We're a little estranged, and I beg my daddy, daddy please, but daddy won't get me what I'm thirsty for.
Not yet. Not until he says so.
Typical deadbeat daddy. The court ordered him to give it to me good, but most days I don't even see him. And then when I do, he tells me I've been a bad little girl and I need to be punished. No, daddy, no. And you're still gonna get him a gift? He's my daddy. No matter how rough daddy treats me, yes.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, what do your daddies like? See, that's just it. I've been sitting here browsing and thinking, do you like that, daddy? Do you like that? Yeah, daddy, do you like that? Oh, daddy like? Yeah. Oh, daddy like?
And it made me realize I have no idea what daddy like. What about you, Allie? Um, well, my daddy just disappeared one day. Oh my god. Daddy, no. The thing is, now I'm somebody else's daddy, and I don't know what I'm doing.
You know, am I treating my little slam pig the way she deserves? Oh yeah? Am I being too hard on her? Or do I need to be harder? Harder? Am I giving it to her so right? So right? Don't stop?
I don't know. I must be so hard to be a daddy. You're not a daddy. At your age? Hey, it doesn't happen for some people, Jesus. Oh, and that's why I don't know what to get him. Well, you know he's a daddy. How about a daddy-related gift? It doesn't seem fair. Like, sure, he's my daddy, but that's not all he is.
He has a dreamer inside of him. And a poet. Heh.
Sometimes both on the same night. But that's not the side I see. Because I'm usually blindfolded. Can I be honest? It kind of feels like you guys are making up a stupid problem for yourselves.
Just send a card or something. Ahh. Eh. Wow.
You guys look busy. Hell yeah, we're busy.
It's Cyber Monday. Oh, right! There's supposed to be a bunch of great sales today, right? I just... I can't get over, like, the blatant consumerism.
No, you idiot! Not Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday. Oh, no. Cyber Sex Monday. No. Wanna cyber? Oh, yes. Cyber ASL. Stop it! You sexy idiots! That's not what Cyber Monday is.
Of course it is, Raf. Have you heard the word cyber used in any other context for, like, the last ten years? No, I'm right here. This isn't about sex. It's about online sales. Yeah, it is. It's the time of year when businesses take so much off. That's not what I meant.
Twenty percent off? Fifty percent off?
Oh, yeah. Take it all off. Ooh, look at these prices go down. I love watching them go down. Oh, my God! That's so crazy that they discount it like that. Stop doing that.
Yes, Cyber. Yes! Cyber, Cyber. Yes!
No, no. Usually we get tarred by big corporations, but this is the one day a year we get softly. That's really sweet. It's gross. No. You can't actually get off on this. Of course we can. I can get off on anything. It's about erotic language.
I tell them what I want, and they give it to me. And this little corporate tells them everything. Age, sex, location, credit card number, shipping preferences. Save it for the keyboard!
Maybe I will. What does that mean? Ooh, yeah. Cyber. So, you're cybering with businesses? Yeah.
I'm all over this clothing company right now. My shopping cart is just a list of the things I'm not wearing. Oh, my God.
This is stupider than Daddy's Day. Daddy, what? Daddy, yes! Daddy, no. Not this again.
Grab your missing out. Stop! I found a hot little item, and with just a few keystrokes, it's coming.
It's coming. Oh, yeah, it's coming. Oh, it's going to come. It came.
Oh! Oh, I could get it again if you give me a second. No! Oh, loosen up. Don't you want to cyber a little? Yeah, come on.
It's Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday is all about going online and finding some dumb little thing. Thinking about how much you wanted.
Oh. Yeah.
You're going to mess up your computer. Getting that exciting rush, just imagining holding that big old package. You know you shouldn't be doing it. But you want it so bad. So bad. Oh, the tension waiting for it. Then the release. And then the deep sense of regret once again.
Oh, cybering is so good. I think I'm going to work from home today. Oh, yeah, Raf's going to get nasty.
He didn't even take his laptop.
What does that mean when you were like... What is the keyboard thing? Is someone going to sign for this? He is fun. Well, I bet you three have some big plans lined up for tonight, huh? What?
You know, it's Valentine's Day. Yes, it is St. Valentine's Day. St. Valentine. Yea, that holy man, St. Valentine of Rome. Yea, we honor him today. Oh, Valentine, yea. Yea, he's so yea. Amen.
Seriously? You three are a bunch of horned up sex hounds on every other day like Father's Day. Daddy's Day? And Cyber Monday? Oh, Cyber Yes. Practically once a week in general.
Thirsty Thursday. But today is the one holiday that's actually sexy. Sexy? Ew! Sexy?
No!
We would never disrespect this holiest of days with sexual intercourse. It is a holy day. Really? Because the last time that you said a day was holy, you then said that it was a day to get your holes filled? Raph, please stop blaspheming, okay? Two days a day of religious observance.
He is come. He is come!
Please, Raphael, some respect. He's the saint of romance, marriage and love. And he's also the saint of beekeeping. And that's who we decide to honor today.
And that's what you find sexy, do you? Look at him. His twisted mind delights in imagining the sticky, sweet flesh of the beekeeper.
Saint Valentine protect us. Oh, Valentine, yay. Oh, protect us, yay. Oh, Saint Valentine.
You guys really aren't doing anything sexy tonight? I mean, if you must get personal, I do plan on making love. Okay, there we go. By which I mean I will create a general feeling of love within myself and send it up towards God in heaven. And I will make myself grow hard, so hard against temptation. And I will grab a bottle of oil and strip myself of pride and anoint the icon Saint Valentine on this holy day.
No, it's Valentine's Day. Valentine, yay. All the geeky shit that you guys were doing on every other day, that's what today is for. Find someone you love.
We have. Light some candles. We will. Put on some music. We did.
And get nasty. Ugh, you disgust me. Disgusting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to think about how bad I've been while I fog myself. But that's the kind of shit that turns you on.
Perhaps, yes. But today will be the one day I don't enjoy it. Oh, you're all impossible. Beth, if you could just respect this religious holiday today, and if you want to talk about sex, wait until March 5th. What's that, Fat Tuesday?
It's Thick Tuesday. Thick and slick, baby. Oh. Slide on it. There we go.
Do it. Do it to me.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, that's too far. My man melted. All right, we don't need to get into this again.
It's still Valentine's. It's still Saint Valentine's Day.
Sign up for Dropout. For the low price of .005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord, where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one, about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
That's my one thing. That's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I need it. |
dropout | no_one_likes_m_night_shyamalan | No! Bro! I want my funny back! Oh no!
What is going on? Everyone groaned when they saw my name. I... I don't understand. Maybe people don't like your movies anymore? No. It has to be something else. I mean...
It's like when people see my movies, they're disappointed. Look, your movies are based on twists. And even those have started to suck. What's happening to me? You're becoming less popular?
Impossible. I don't think it's possible.
68%, 18%, 8%. There has to be some kind of pattern. Yeah. Down? The pattern is down? No. It's something to do with the AIDS.
M. Night. I love Lady in the Water. Oh, thank you.
Did I imagine I had fans? I feel like I'm losing my mind of M. Night Shyamalan. It's like people don't even recognize me. Really?
You put yourself in all of your movies. I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Shyamalan. We don't have a table for you. Do you know who I am? I just said Mr. Shyamalan. Excuse me. Table 8 has rotten tomatoes. You're the only person I can trust.
Did you even see the happening? I mean trees. Really?
Not you two.
Shyamalan. Your career is dying. Your career has been dead the whole time. You're the only person I can trust. |
cracked | 4_bizarrely_disturbing_implications_of_children_s_movies_today_s_topic | Wow, kids are way too sheltered these days, man. I'm sorry? Kids movies. It's all happy-go-lucky now. It's just bland.
When I was a kid, I watched Sarah Jessica Parker suck the soul out of a child. Nancy Broderick is boyishly handsome, sure, but a child? Hocus Pocus. It's a fun, happy, kids Halloween movie that opens with three witches straight up murdering a little girl. I remember that movie. But a better example, although I always go to heaven, where we learn that, in fact, some dogs go to hell.
Really? But the title says- Lies. All of it. Er, the one part of it.
By the end of this movie, we learn that dog hell is very real. But it's no swamp of sadness. See, a never-ending story, Atreyu's best friend in the entire world is his horse, which is sad in its own way. So naturally, this horse is swallowed whole by pure sadness. Fighting against the sadness, aren't I?
You're like when I eat Hot Pockets in my beanbag chair and I'm watching the- Brandon. Really, man? Seriously, we'll definitely watch it. Just not right now. No! I mean, yeah, we could, but either way, the Iron Giant is the best answer. Always in general, and specifically right now for what you're talking about. What, the government will shoot at scary things, man?
That's tame sauce. No, it's way worse than that sauce.
That Iron Giant was just a scout. He was sent by an alien race boasting a standing arsenal of destruction. They're not here to make friends with us, they're here to kill the balls off of us.
Good word, choice. If, you'll recall, the giant took a bump to the head, which wiped out his memory, allowing him to start fresh so he could make friends with me. So he could make friends with Hogarth, the me in the movie, the kid in the movie. Yeah. And at the end of the movie, he survives a nuclear blast and starts to just reassemble himself. But you know what? He'll just make friends with an Icelandic kid, they'll have wacky misadventures all over again. No biggie. But if you know the deleted scenes from the DVD, no one does, then you know there's an army of these giants standing waiting. The giant knows how cool humans are. He'll just tell his buddies to lay off. Wrong again. Mmm, technically, yes.
But you're about three layers of analysis deep into the ****** Iron Giant. But think about it, chances are, if a small bump to the noggin can wipe out his memory, then a giant nuclear blast can do the same thing. And then he's back to Iron Giant kill mode. So when the other Iron Giants show up, he's not going to talk about how cool Earth is.
They're going to be all, hey, you want to kill all humans? And he'd be like, hell yeah, I do. Let's punch them until their balls fall off.
So that's why there's no sequel. Yeah. Except for the spec script that I wrote.
Hey, everyone. I'm Dan O'Brien. And you know what occurs to me, I don't know who that... Is that the lady that takes our coffee orders at lunch?
Oh! Oh, okay, the little bald Irish guy. Yeah, all right. Well, that's just... Right? Factoids! That's what that is. |
dropout | hardly_working_the_egg | Hey guys, so remember the time exactly one month ago that we all had hardcore sex with each other? Yeah. No, don't. You weren't invited. Okay. Anyway, I'm pregnant from that, and one of you is the father. So here's what's gonna happen, I bought a bunch of eggs, I'm gonna give you each an egg, and you need to care for that egg like it's our baby, and then by the time I give birth, whoever still has our egg is the father. I don't think that's how it works. Go! You didn't give us the eggs yet. That's a good point. Here you go. One for you, one for you, one for you, one for you. And I'm out. Sorry Dan. Here, you take this.
Hey, what's up man? How you doing?
Oh my god. I am an egg. Wait, that's not fair. I can just share David's egg. Uh, no way Jose. I am going to care for this little egg baby like it is my own.
Ah crap, I'm going back to work. Well guys, it's been a long nine months. We want to thank our camera guy here for editing this video. We'll see you next time.
Bye!
I'm going to take 6,000 hours of footage into that very short highlight reel. I like your choice in music bro. Now it's time to find out who the father of my baby is. Let me see them eggs boys.
Okay, seriously? All of you?
Dan's egg ate my egg. I'm sorry. Okay, I don't have an egg.
I have a human. I've been caring for a human being for the last nine months. He never even told me his name.
It's Mard. Okay, that's the first time that... Really? Your name is Mard? Mard.
I just realized I love him. Dan. And I'm ready to be the father of your child, Sarah.
Oh my god! That's disgusting. He was an egg the whole time. You know what? I just realized this whole egg thing was dumb. I'm just going to take a DNA test. Yeah, you know what?
It's been an exciting couple of months. Or should I say a yolk-citing couple of months? And that's no egg. |
cracked | all_the_times_viggo_mortensen_almost_died_making_lord_of_the_rings | Viggo Mortensen was a last-minute replacement to play Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which is kind of amazing considering that it's arguably the most important role. The reluctant king who risked life and limb to save, uh, just everything. Almost everything. Still, Viggo showing up at the 11 o'clock hour wasn't the iconic accident. Due to a series of mishaps, miscalculations, and the gods of Middle Earth just straight up toying with him, more often than not Mortensen really sold the risking life and limb thing because he actually found himself in actual danger and or anguish. For example, there's a scene in the two towers where Aragorn thinks the two hobbits are dead, angrily kicks a helmet, and lets out a soul-scarring scream of grief. However, that wasn't so much powerful performing as actual physical pain. While kicking the helmet, Mortensen broke two toes and fell to his knees, not because the script required it for artistic expression, but because he literally couldn't stay on his feet.
But hey, who needs toes? They're like the fingers of the feet. And no one needs fingers.
It's not like someone threw a knife at his face or something. No, that happened in the Fellowship of the Ring, when another actor misjudged the throw and accidentally flung a real knife at Mortensen's face at high velocity. According to the DVD commentary, Mortensen managed to swing his sword and block the knife, creating another unintentional badass moment for his character. Finally, while filming the scene in the two towers where an unconscious Aragorn is floating down the river, Viggo got caught in an undertow and nearly drowned due to the weight of his armor, barely escaping with his life. Peter Jackson, of course, kept all these accidents in the films because they simply were the best takes. One of the key factors of the success of the trilogy was the fact that it just felt more authentic than fantasy movies tend to be, and having actors literally scream in pain and almost end their life on set certainly helped that effect. Now that's directing, or in danger. |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_the_flintstones_today_s_topic | A-choo! Bless you. A-choo! Bless you. A-choo!
Gizoon-tite? What are we doing? Hey, speaking of great gazoo from the Flintstones...
No! What? No! What?
You brought it up, man. But it's good, because I've been thinking about gazoo lately. A lot. Lately. Like, a lot. I am the great gazoo, and I thank you for rescuing me. And it made me realize, what's weird about Flintstones?
No! We're not doing this! You didn't earn this conversation!
I'm here till ten o'clock tonight. I'm really backed up, because I don't work fast or hard.
Alright, what's crazy about the Flintstones? I don't know. Everything.
It is cavemen, coexisting with dinosaurs, some of whom talk, some of whom don't. They go bowling. They drive with their feet, which would actually be harder than walking.
There's a Martian? It's a mess! But why? Follow me on this. Do you know why the great gazoo is on Earth? No. Because I tried to improve the world today, instead of learning that. And while you were wasting your time trying to save a doomed planet, I learned that the great gazoo's backstory is that he comes from a race of all powerful aliens. The great G-cube. I never thought of that. From Star Trek.
Anyway, he was exiled to prehistoric Earth because he was reckless with his powers. Earth is his punishment. Cruel and unusual punishment, that's what it is.
So is your argument that Flintstones invented jumping the shark? Because I'm on board. Don't you get it?
It's all the great gazoo, baby. It's all gazoo!
He's this all-powerful being stuck on Earth holding us in complete contempt, bored out of his mind, so he's playing house. Watch. That's why there are casinos and talking dinosaur appliances. You're sure it's not because it's a children's cartoon. I'm pretty sure, yeah. So in your fever dream, Hanna-Barbera got together specifically to make a show about someone just interceding in the normal course of a day's events and wasting everyone's time. Like an asshole, just amusing himself, dicking around on a whim. Where have I encountered that trope before? I don't know. It's a mad god squandering all of humanity's potential. It's chilling. Or would be if it actually happened. And, you know, without all the yabba-dabba-doo crap. Exactly. He's crackly.
Never say that again and shut up. You saw the orientation video. I have work to do. Okay. Thanks for listening.
Vonnegut. Kurt Vonnegut. Kurt. Kurt Vonnegut.
Gesundheit. Hey, this is Brendan from Crack. Thanks for watching our video. You should definitely subscribe. We're getting a lot of numbers. We're rolling on this? Yeah. Can you get the fuck out of here for a second? Uh, Nick, are you getting a...
Hold on.
I think I know what this needs, man. I think... Can you see me still?
Yeah, a little bit darker though. Yeah. It's darker.
It's perfect. I think it's perfect. It looks worse. It's perfect. |
dropout | all_r_a_floor | In the fall of 2008, through some housing assignment error, Quendleton State University put all resident advisors on the same floor. This is that floor.
Well, welcome everybody. Yes, welcome. It is so exciting to see you all here. So many new faces. Great.
Well, let's take our seats. Okay, take your seats. Alright, now we have to work together to get ourselves untangled. Right, okay, we're all going to start on the count of three.
Staff can't help, okay, and we have to call each other by each other's name. So, I don't want to hear any hey-yous, okay? Just Cindy, Colleen, or Declan. Remember, staff isn't allowed to help.
Phone number? Room number.
And I'm really here for you whenever you need me. Oh, and I'm here for you if you need to talk or anything, but you actually can't post on the board unless you're an RA. Right. Hey, guys, listen, I really don't want to be the bad guy, but, you know, it is quiet hours, and you really shouldn't be talking in the hall, okay? Hey, guys. Thanks.
I don't mean to be the bad guy, but... I don't want to be the bad guy here.
It's quiet hours. Remember, communication is key. Staff isn't allowed to help.
Okay, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but I just found a mound of doo-doo in the shower. I don't want to know who it was, but obviously we can't have that kind of behavior. Okay, guys, it's come to my attention that someone crapped in the shower stall.
I brought it to your attention. You know, this is completely unacceptable, you guys. Stop sucking up to me, Declan. Let me finish, you guys. Okay, none of us want to be here very long, especially with that smell. Pee you, you guys. Hey, guys, listen, we're not going to cancel the midnight ice cream party because of this, but we are all adults. Let's act like one. Come on, you guys. Yeah.
Hey, everybody start moving, or we're going to be late for the pep rally. Pep rally!
Staff isn't allowed to help.
Hey, Hunter, can I talk to you for a second? Absolutely. You know my door is always open. That's the point. I think there's been some kind of mistake. Hey, guys, go on the launching vibe if anyone wants to join. Hey, guys, I don't mean to be the bad guy, but... |
cracked | five_stages_of_watching_a_batman_movie_feat_onlyleigh | HELL YEAH, BATMAN! Standing here in line really gets me thinking, do we need another Batman? I mean sure, superhero films are the movie goer norm right now, but it seems there's a new Batman adaption every couple of years. Every time it's darker, grittier, more morally ambiguous. Don't get me wrong, I like Batman, but what does it say about us as a society that we're addicted to that particular character? What makes us relive the same story again and again in different variations? I'm merely asking, is it humanity progressing or staying in line? Batman's cool.
Right. Ugh. What?
This is the worst Batman ever. We're literally 15 minutes into the movie. Bruce Wayne would never act like this. Bruce Wayne isn't a real person.
And the way he looks? If I'd step into a rich people's gala or whatever and see this emo idiot in his pseudo-gothic evanescence get up, I'd be like, yeah, pretty sure that dude's Batman. Master of the sky's my ass. I actually think he's giving it an interesting spin.
Pattinson is surprisingly- Nope. Sorry. Not my Batman. No. Is this about Twilight? He is Edward and only Edward. Lame.
What now? This villain is just another version of the Joker. What?
I mean, I don't love this character, but that's the Riddler. He's totally different. Is he a mysterious weirdo?
Yeah. Seems impossibly omnipotent and ubiquitous? Sure, but that's- Behaves like a loose cannon about to snap at any moment? I mean, yes, but- Treats everything that's happening like some big chaotic game? I mean- Acts in a way that seems like an obvious desperate reach for an Academy Award or at least a Golden Globe?
Shit. I know. What's happening? I'm not sure. I can't keep up.
Who is this guy? That's the penguin. I think. And what about that guy? That's another villain? And her? That's Catwoman.
Villains? That's too many villains. It used to be either one or two. I'm losing my mind. Oh, she's more of an anti-hero, so- Spider-Man villains are better anyway.
Who said that? What time is it? How long has it been? I don't know. December?
We are never doing this again. I can't. Only TikTok videos from now on.
This has to be the last Batman they're making, right? Says here there's a four hour Batman in six months starring one of the kids from Stranger Things.
Which kid? Does it matter? Are we going? Probably. Awesome. |
cracked | steve_jobs_placed_one_of_the_first_online_pizza_delivery_orders | One of the first online pizza deliveries was ordered by Steve Jobs. In 1994, an early Pizza Hut website serving Santa Cruz, California featured rudimentary online ordering. But every order required a follow-up phone call to make sure the pizza wasn't a prank. After observing Sandra Bullock's character seamlessly order a regular crust with anchovies, garlic, and extra cheese in 1995's The Net, the founders behind a startup called CyberSlice sought to deliver a true start-to-finish internet pizza service. It was technologically challenging to geographically define delivery zones using lists of local pizza restaurants, especially when some places barely qualified as serving pizza. So CyberSlice turned to Steve Jobs and Ross Perot's next computer to help do the hot-and-ready lifting. In 1996, Jobs staged a press event demonstrating CyberSlice's website and technology, and placed the first-ever end-to-end online food delivery order for one pizza with tomato sauce and basil for an entire roomful of people. CyberSlice is long gone today, but it's seen as an ancestor of services like Grubhub, for making the experience of booking a pizza delivery online way easier than booking an appointment at the Genius Bar. |
TheOnion | Search_Crews_Continue_To_Look_For_Obviously_Dead_Hikers | It's now been seven days since a group of hikers went missing in Maine's Acadia National Park, but rescue crews there are still holding out hope of finding them alive. Autistic reporter Michael Falk is on the scene there.
Michael. Hello, Brooke. My socks got wet. That cameraman gave me new socks. I am fine. All right, that's good, Michael, but what's the situation there? Situation?
The names of the hikers are Casey Allman, Brian Emery, Ashley Thorson. The hikers were last seen 174 hours ago. Since then, three very big storms have hit here. There's a 1.24% chance that all of the hikers are alive. There's a 3.87% chance that one or more of the hikers are alive.
I talked to a man. Watch that video now. Why are you looking for the hikers? Well, we're still hopeful that we might be able to find them.
There's been a break in the weather, so we're hoping... Over the past seven days, the average high temperature has been 21 degrees Fahrenheit. Over the past seven days, the average low temperature has been 6 degrees Fahrenheit.
Right. So we did another sweep of the park from the air, but we didn't see anything. Without shelter, the human body can withstand temperatures this cold for a maximum of three hours. Is there shelter in the forest for the hikers? Not that we know of. They're frozen. Shh. They're frozen. Many people are looking for the hikers and saying that they are alive, but that is impossible. It is confusing.
That is a helicopter. A CH-146 Griffin helicopter. Helicopter.
I talked to another man who was looking for the hikers. Dude... It is unlikely that the hikers' bodies have left Acadia National Park. That's right. I have found the hikers. The hikers are dead here in Acadia National Park. I am now part of the news story because I am the one who found the hikers.
I am Michael Falk reporting on Michael Falk. Goodbye. Even though I found them, the rescuers say they will keep looking for the hikers because some people think that knowing where dead bodies are is better than not knowing where they are, even though we know where they are. There. Over there. I am Michael Falk. Bye. |
cracked | the_invention_of_first_aid_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Oh! Hey! Ew! Sorry! I'm sorry! Do something! Yeah, let's get out of here!
No!
I'm dying!
It's fine! Everything's so gross! This is fine!
I saw a medicine man do this once. Seth, I don't know if you know this, but you're like stabbing him right in his womb! I know that! He's losing blood and we need to keep the blood inside him! He needs a lot of blood! Why did you say that?
I got this! It's fine! I'm feeling better!
It's not going to do anything! George!
Keep pressure on that wound. Okay. I'm just going to lie. Do you do nothing? I'm sorry! I'll just... Hey! I'm sorry! Just die! For the love of God, Seth, you need to quit doing things, bro!
It's fine.
That closes the wound. Now it's got to sew it up and we can carry him back to town. You're going to fix the hole in me! I'm finding more holes in me!
Only take a minute! No!
You're sick! You know what? I think you're getting off on this. I think that I was getting dead from the beginning and you're just like, this is something sick, sexual, promoted thing that you like to get off of!
You're alive! Look at that! I'm freaking dead! I'm crazy, man! Thank you!
I'm feeling a little better. How'd you do that? It's just basic first aid stuff, guys. It's not like it's demon magic, or anything. I can go to a witch, learn spells, and demon stuff. You should probably get back to town. You guys are looking at me like I got demon magic.
Who would have thought that Seth was a demon? Where the demons could burn to death.
Seems counterintuitive, you know? I know, right? Science is a puzzle.
Hey, let's get some dirt in this wound and sprint home. I'll race you. Okay!
Hey, we're doing these again. I'm Soren, thank you for subscribing if you haven't subscribed already. Although if you haven't, I can't possibly believe why not. We've done like a thousand of these things and yet we still have to keep doing them.
I don't know what to give you. I don't know what you want.
Take anything. Take my shirt. Take my shoes. I don't care anymore.
You wanted this? You got it! Are we happy now? Can we all subscribe, please? |
cracked | the_5_most_baffling_moments_from_old_school_kids_game_shows_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode Psychic Pool Ball of Does Not Compute, installments of which are released every other Monday with utter regularity. I'm your host, Mexican Soda, and to get my co-host back online, let's throw it over to the lab for a segment I'm calling Myself, Mr. Science, Master Scientifician. Hey pre-recorded me in the other room, are you as soul-crushingly lonely as I am? Yeah, well, contemplate suicide no longer, because after weeks painstakingly reassembling these things, we're finally ready to get Clippy 2.0 back online. If my calculations are correct, the new Clippy should be just like the old one, except without a fathomless lust for the subjugation of ma'am.
Yeah, we've heard that before. Haha. Indeed. But, ah, what the hell. Hit that shit. Roger. Proceeding with shit hit. We're here, we're here. My boy. That's wrong! Good to have you back. Speaking of things that make me make this face, today's topic is, whoa, now, I thought we agreed we weren't going to, of course by playing with kids, I mean old game shows with kids in them. No.
Oh yeah, I was almost going to call you Lori. How could I miss? Oh, it's very easy. You're both very pretty. Look at me a little closer.
Why, I never! I'm talking about wholesome, family-friendly entertainment, like the kind provided by the only major network named after flatulence. Ah, Nick Arcade, the game show that tricked sullen, pasty teens into exercising for three minutes at the end.
And they don't look happy about it. It's like they're being forced to interact with their weird uncle. Of course, you'd be a little rat-faced shit, too, if you knew your partner was the worst.
All you have to do is run and touch the coins! Touch the coins, Nadine! Nadine, touch the coins! Seriously, Nadine is so bad at this, her opponents should get to teabag her afterwards.
There's just no excuse. I'm telling you, dude, it's a controller. Sure, dude. She handles like fucking Daikatana. Whatever you say.
No! Nadine, no! Duck under fire! That mommy just died of boredom!
That's it. I can't take this anymore. I'm going in the game. Digitize me! Nadine? Another complicated? Just agree? Ah!
Go to a cliff!
Not that! Man, are we sure that's even a real game show and not a set that guy made in his windowless van? I will not stand for implied perversity on this program. Just implied violence.
Nicole, what's the worst punishment your brother's ever gotten? He always cried, you know, when my mom gets his little newspaper and just flaps. Maximum in the newspaper, huh, Amy?
Um, a spanking with a bow. What show is that? Tricycle Confessions? She always puts me in my room, but, well, a spanking's not the worst punishment I ever got. Yes, it is. Remember when that one time... Alright, well, we'll have to... I get it. It's like the newlywed game, except scrupulously monitored by child protective services. Spanking with a bow. That's all I need to hear.
Move in! Roger. Nobody move!
This is a CPS sting! You're gonna get such a whooping for this boy! But hey, it's not all bad. Every game show needs a winner. Where's the punishment you've ever gotten when you've been dead?
A spanking. Let's see what your sister said. A spanking! We'll thank God she said a spanking with a bow for that spanking.
Yay! Our parents hit us with belts. A fact that's been engraved irrevocably on our little minds. We win! We win.
Man. I just bummed myself out. Clippy little help? And then the acrobatic type starts showing off. Okay, see, now I'm too jazzed. Balance me out?
If I couldn't get that kiss earlier... The mother's always so easy to kiss, it's the kids.
Jesus. All I can say is spin that wheel carefully, kid. You'd never get away with this shit in the old days. Remember shenanigans with stubby K? Me neither. But, at least he's not fondling anyone. It was a simpler time, when game shows weren't about exploiting children. Everybody's playing Time Bomb, and it's at your game store now. At least, not sexually. You could accuse them of a teensy bit of product placement.
Time Bomb!
Or of doing only that all the time. Wonder why that style of advertising never took off.
Pommy! So, I'm sure the game itself teaches valuable skills. Put your hands in there, dear. And you tell me what you feel in there.
It feels like a bowl of water, assistant. A bowl of water with you in the beginning? Well, all right, let's take a look and see if it's a bowl of water. Sure it's a bowl of water with something in it.
What? A bowl of water was an acceptable answer in lieu of turtle? Okay. I'm calling...
Well, shenanigans on this show. It is a crass marketing tool designed to push Milton Bradley's staple of crack-like board games. They get you young with Candyland. Then you're on the pow. Chasing it with WoW, and before you know it, you're free-basing easy money in the dating game and sucking dick in an alley for your turn at Camp Granada. The board game based on an Alan Sherman novelty song from the early sixties.
How is a kid supposed to resist that? You don't see weird output in his name on this crap, right? Says I've got greasy hands and salty lips. So, I move to the bowl of chips.
And that's it. That's the end.
Doesn't say if I won. So, screw you, shenanigans and viewers. Please, write to your local affiliate stations demanding the immediate removal of the show and the bat murder of Stubby K. In the meantime, let's go out with a little game I like to call... Wait for it!
Can we refer to someone as yellow? We consider them to be what? Chinese? Not Chinese. Over to Jerry and Murray. No. Yes, Jerry.
Um, cowardly. Cowardly.
He was Asian! Well, thanks for watching, everyone. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swaim, and this has been Does Not Compute. Say goodnight, Cliffy. Some don't do it very well, but they're willing to work at it. |
dropout | full_benefits_double_date | Goodnight.
David! What?
Morning. How'd you sleep?
Like a rock. You? Yeah. Me too. Like a rock.
Hey! Where you headed?
Uh, nowhere. Just going home. No plans. Nothing going on.
Uh, you? Yeah, same. Just going home. Okay. Cool! Uh, so I am going to go pee. Oh, okay. I'll wait.
Hey! Are you ready to go? Hey! I thought I'd pick you up from work. Hi! Those for me?
Yep. Thanks. Hi. I'm Joe. Right, of course. Joe, this is my David. David, this is my Joe. Hi.
So nice to meet you. Wow. A hug.
I didn't expect to like that, but I did. I liked that a lot.
Hi. I'm Rachel. Good. Rachel, she works with us, which is interesting.
Well, actually, we were just on our way out, so we should probably... Us too? We should make it a foursome. You know, join forces?
Oh, nice. Star Wars. Um, actually, I don't think that's...
We're going to check out this rock climbing place in Brooklyn my buddy owns. Totally off the radar.
Uh, yes, please. We're in. For sure. Great. That's cool with you, right?
I mean, their date just sounded so much cooler than ours.
Yeah, I mean, you're the one that wanted to go to the mall, so... Yeah, I just don't have any comfortable socks, so I figured...
We can do that tomorrow, though. Tomorrow? Yeah. Okay, let's go.
Connect this carabiner and all set. David, Rachel strapped in?
Uh, yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, what is a carabiner? So this must be hard for you. I actually have a surprising amount of upper body strength.
No, I mean, uh, being here with me and David? Oh, right. Um, yeah, well, we were never really dating, so... It's all yours.
Nice reach, Bear! Sarah reminds me of this incredible bear I met while spelunking in the Rockies.
No way. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Yeah, it's kind of personal. It's just that...
I think you really hurt him. Listen, it's a nice theory, but I was there. Nobody got hurt.
So there I am. My leg is broken, just completely shattered. And all I have on me is a rusty tack hammer, a flashlight, and two sleeves with saltines.
It's just he's a really good guy, and he didn't deserve to be treated that way. Yeah, I like to come down now.
And I look into the bear's eyes, and she looks into mine. And I see not only fear, but also respect. And then she died in my arms. And the spirit of that bear lives in that girl.
I want to be you. Hi, I'd like to leave. Great, you guys want to grab some dinner? You know, joined forces?
No. Oh, can't argue with an angry bear. Unless you're willing to kill it. Of course. What the fuck are you guys talking about? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Budget_David_Attenborough_Stressed_Students_More_09_10_20 | Where's Errol today? Wendell is not with us, he's got something going on with that daughter of his that he doesn't talk about that often from when he was in the army.
Oh yeah right. She's graduating up there in Townsville. So he's gone up there again hasn't he? Yeah yeah he's had to go up there. Hopefully we see him soon. Yeah all the best to him and all the best to Michaelia.
Now what's in the news today Wendell?
Well we'll start off with one of our big national stories from this week and that was in regards to the budget. The Prime Minister has said and I quote, $19 billion for private schools ensures Australia has a steady supply of mediocre politicians. Yes we had the budget this week which drew the ire of a lot of people who criticised the way it was divvied up with plenty saying it was bad news for women and mothers in particular but Scott Morrison has defended it saying he's given out a budget that works for his base and works for the Australian people who he believes are his base. Yeah he said that the funding was necessary because and I quote again here, we need to make sure there's always politicians like Tony Abbott, Malcolm Turnbull and Barnaby Joyce there to see Australia in the right direction. Does seem like quite a bit of money to achieve that though. Let's not forget Bill Shorten and every single member of Young Labor but yes you are right. And Scott Francis left a comment on that story pointing out, without these schools who would we have to spit on homeless people? Well opposition leader Anthony Albanese gave a stirring budget reply that really drew a line in the sand on equality and plotted an alternative path forward for our country. Yeah he promised to up the childcare rebate from 85% to 90% for families earning less than a couple hundred grand I think and I think he also mentioned something about funding to facilitate the transfer to renewables or something like that.
Bold and inspiring as always by Albo, great to know our future is in safe hands.
And there was another controversial education story from the national sector this week. The headline on that one was, bloke who studied economic geography at university says we need to focus on relevant degrees. That's right of course we are talking about Scott Morrison the UTS alumni, University of Technology in Sydney I believe that is, yes who has himself put forward the changes to higher education which have passed the Senate with humanity degrees in particular doubling in price because Scotty from marketing, the man who did in fact as we mentioned study economic geography and Dan Tehan who studied arts believe we need to focus on relevant degrees. Yeah given the much publicized woes of the university sector in its relentless pursuit for profits, Tehan and Morrison said that rather than overhaul the entire sector they're hoping to fix it by simply just doubling the cost of humanities degrees. That should do it we all know that awkward teenagers who want to study art are a cash cow.
And another national story this week we wrote in regards to the potential for future outbreaks and the headline on that one was day for it says coronavirus staring at a packed beach. Yes a COVID-19 particle was spotted licking its lips as it prepared to walk onto a crowded beach in our entitlement belts of Bondi and of course an hour at a time down there in Victoria. The virus apparently made sure to slip slop slap before heading out there to soak up the Sun and spread the love.
I understand that this shit happens at Bondi and Coogee and on the Goldie and places like that but why are people so set on getting out onto the glorified sand pit that is St Kilda Beach, Clancy? I think it's just because Melbournese people can't handle having something that's shitter than the rest of the country so they have to pretend to enjoy it.
There you go in some international news now David Attenborough has changed his tune on fossil fuels after learning Australia's recovery depends on gas. Now David has been on a real crusade before this releasing a new Netflix doco and joining Instagram to try and convince people of the world that we need to do something about climate change quite urgently but that's all changed now. Yes he's obviously realized that our COVID recovery task force in Australia which is just a bunch of gas lobbyists has told the government that gas is the way of the future so after hearing that he's dropped it for now fossil fuels aren't too bad maybe he'll try again and convince us otherwise when things are sorted economically over here of course.
Should just be in a couple of years time and our last story of the week comes from town with a year 12 student becoming the first person in the family to experience stress. Yes exams are gearing up right around the country and it means an entire year of school kids are becoming the first people to ever experience a little bit of pressure. I understand it's pretty tough but I mean you have to put it into perspective I think it's not the be all and end all this mark that you get at the end of school you can do what I did get a red dot take a couple of years off do a bit of laboring go on a trip and you just wait till you're 21 and you're straight into uni.
Straight into a 50 grand communications degree. Exactly and there was a comment on that story from Ben Gallard who obviously wants people to harden up a little bit he said 70 years ago 17 year olds were on the other side of the world trying not to get bayonetted in the guts by a Japanese soldier. I really hope she gets a lot of likes on Instagram to offset the pain of her exams. Yes Ben good stuff there mate great commentary and great contribution of course that's what the kids need they need to be sent to Japan to try and not die that'll fix them good stuff. Yeah you might not know this Ben Gallard but you're also a pretty high chance of getting a bayonet to the stomach in your local Westfields car park I reckon.
Yes particularly down there in South Petuta of course. Alrighty well that is all I've got here in front of me so that'll do us for another week in news we'll be back again at the same time next week hopefully with Errol Parker if he's back from Townsville to bring you all of the biggest stories until then, pea ora. Hooroo.
Awkward teenagers who want to study art are a cash cow.
And another national story this week we wrote in regards to the potential for future outbreaks and the headline on that one was day for it says coronavirus staring at a packed beach. Yes a COVID-19 particle was spotted licking its lips as it prepared to walk onto a crowded beach in our entitlement belts of Bondi and of course an hour at a time down there in Victoria. The virus apparently made sure to slip slop slap before heading out there to soak up the sun and spread the love.
I understand that this shit happens at Bondi and Cudgie and on the Goldie and places like that but why are people so set on getting out onto the glorified sand pit that is St Kilda beach Clancy? I think it's just because Melbournese people can't handle having something that's shitter than the rest of the country so they have to pretend to enjoy it.
There you go in some international news now David Attenborough has changed his tune on fossil fuels after learning Australia's recovery depends on gas. Now David has been on a real crusade before this releasing a new Netflix doco and joining Instagram to try and convince people of the world that we need to do something about climate change quite urgently but that's all changed now. Yes he's obviously realised that our COVID recovery task force in Australia which is just a bunch of gas lobbyists has told the government that gas is the way of the future so after hearing that he's dropped it for now fossil fuels aren't too bad. Maybe he'll try again and convince us otherwise when things are sorted economically over here of course.
Should just be in a couple of years time and our last story of the week comes from town with a year 12 student becoming the first person in the family to experience stress. Yes exams are gearing up right around the country and it means an entire year of school kids are becoming the first people to ever experience a little bit of pressure. I understand it's pretty tough but I mean you have to put it into perspective I think it's not the be all and end all this mark that you get at the end of school you can do what I did get a red dot take a couple of years off do a bit of laboring go on a trip and you just wait till you're 21 and you're straight into uni. Straight into a 50 grand communications degree.
Exactly and there was a comment on that story from Ben Gallard who obviously wants people to harden up a little bit he said 70 years ago 17 year olds were on the other side of the world trying not to get bayonetted in the guts by a Japanese soldier. I really hope she gets a lot of likes on Instagram to offset the pain of her exams. Yes Ben good stuff there mate great commentary and great contribution of course that's what the kids need they need to be sent to Japan to try and not die that'll fix them good stuff. Yeah you might not know this Ben Gallard but you're also a pretty high chance of getting a bayonet to the stomach in your local Westfields car park I reckon. Yes particularly down there in South Petuta of course.
Alrighty well that is all I've got here in front of me so that'll do us for another week in news. We'll be back again at the same time next week hopefully with Errol Parker if he's back from Townsville to bring you all of the biggest stories. Until then, Hooroo! |
CrackerMilk | how_the_x_factor_is_rigged | Now, which one is sick? Sorry, what? Which one of your family have a terminal illness? Which one? Maybe you're confusing me with one of the other contestants. I don't have anyone in my family with a terminal illness. Oh, of course, sorry, sorry, that's a silly question to ask. What I meant was which one was dead?
Dead parent? Dead mum? No? Dead dad?
They're all alive. You got a dead grandparent? Surely you do. You got four of them, so... I mean, which one? They're all alive.
Living in Europe. Oh, in Ukraine? During the war? Oh, no. They're in the south of France.
Alright. Oh! You have a son! Yeah, I do. Great, that's great.
It's incredibly hard raising him as you work multiple jobs to pursue your career as singing and the X Factor's finally your opportunity to break out, yeah? No, I have a partner. I'm a stay-at-home mum.
Alright, um, look, I'm just gonna list a bunch of mental illnesses and you tell me when to stop when you tell me which one he's got. ADHD, dyslexia, autism, Down syndrome, red hair. None of the above. Oh!
Have you lost a baby? Miscarriage. You have a miscarriage? It'd be great if you've had a miscarriage.
No. Uh, look, I don't think it's gonna work. Unfortunately, we're looking for people who, um, are entertaining to watch and encourage pity. Otherwise, what's the fucking point? And you simply aren't.
Okay? So, out you pop. Next case. Alright! Ah! Straight through to the judges, sir. Oh!
Wow. What a talent.
Hey, guys. We've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Crock-A-Mole podcast is on a separate other channel, um, called the Crock-A-Mole podcast.
Are you drunk? So you can go and check that out. Are you drunk? Nah, dude. I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys, you guys got any paint? |
cracked | mcdonald_s_has_so_many_mascots_you_definitely_don_t_remember | So, with all these thieves running rampant, who are their foes?
Well, the Hamburger Government, Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac, both of whom are still intensely frightening, but at least less confusing. Hamburger Town, Hamburger Mayor, Hamburger Cobb, I can process this.
There were also thieves assigned to other menu items that didn't make the final cut, like Captain Crook, a pirate with a taste for Filet-O-Fish. He faded into obscurity because they realized Filet-O-Fish wasn't exactly a child's meal. If I saw a little kid tucking into a Filet-O-Fish, I would assume it was just a small, sad man.
Then there were the Fry Kids, previously the Fry Guys. Previously, Gobble Blins with two Bs, which honestly, rules.
They should've stuck with that.
Millions and millions of goblins in the French Fry Fetch. Oh, they stole fries and squeaked. We got your French fries. Silly Fry Kids.
Using Hamburger Town, Hamburger Mayor, Hamburger Cobb, I can process this.
There were also thieves assigned to other menu items that didn't make the final cut, like Captain Crook, a pirate with a taste for Filet-O-Fish. He faded into obscurity because they realized Filet-O-Fish wasn't exactly a child's meal. If I saw a little kid tucking into a Filet-O-Fish, I would assume it was just a small, sad man.
Then there were the Fry Kids, previously the Fry Guys. Previously, Gobble Blins with two Bs, which honestly, rules.
They should've stuck with that.
Millions and millions of goblins in the French Fry Fetch. Oh, they stole fries and squeaked. We got your French fries. Silly Fry Kids! |
dropout | black_widow_is_not_a_fake_nerd_girl_all_nighter_2014 | Shoot at him. He's in a long-term relationship and has more to lose. No, no, shoot trap! He has high blood pressure, so basically any shot's a kill shot.
Shut up! Get on your knees. Yes, sir! Oh no! Black Widow! Oh my god!
We're saved! Don't worry, boys. You're safe now.
Nice Avengers pin. Oh, thank you. Uh, yeah, I was being sarcastic. Do you even like the Avengers? I'm in the Avengers. Yeah, right.
You're just one of those fake nerd girls who wear that shit for attention. Okay, I'm literally a super spy, so I don't want attention. Oh yeah, you're so shy. Okay, if you're not a phony, riddle me this.
Wow, I don't want to save you guys anymore. Good. We don't want to be saved. So go back to YouTube and play your ukulele and leave the nerd stuff to us big boys.
Where is all this anger coming from? Sexual frustration. Glucose addiction.
I don't even need to wear those glasses. They're night vision goggles. Yeah, non-prescription.
And I highly doubt that you made your own costume. Nick Fury made my costume. Uh, so basically store bought? You know a real fan would have made their own.
Hey Chris, can you tell me if this tweet is funny? Oh shit. See, I'm a professional. I take my job seriously and I'm really good at it. So you're like a booth babe? Wow. Can I get a picture with you?
I hate you. I wouldn't have sex with you if you asked me to. I'm trying to save you two and you're holding me to an unfair standard. And being shitheads.
Whatever. Wanna get out of here? Yeah, that's what I'm waiting for. Sweet, it's like a date? Not in a million years. You bitch. You played with my heart. You totally friend-zoned me. Wow, tranquilizer dart. Cool. JK, did you buy that on Etsy? Shut up! I'm gonna call your fake ass out on my blog as soon as we get back to the Helicarrier. I know. I was testing you.
Thank you so much for watching The All Nighter. If you liked that video, click to subscribe. You can't bear to miss another... Good thing this guy's an intern. |
dropout | two_dudes_in_a_sleeping_bag_with_jason_bateman | When I see you, I see a warmth and an intelligence that makes me want more. I feel like there's an insult right on the back end of this. No, no, no, no. Keep going.
Well, when you see me... I can always count on a great hat, a minivan, and a hug. Did you want a hug now?
No. You got one earlier? That's enough? Mm-hmm. Because I'll hug you right now. We're all set. What are you afraid of? Is there something... You ever do a primal scream, just like a heavy sigh? I'm not going to do that. You don't have to. But just if you had to do a heavy sigh, what would it be? Okay. It feels good, right? I'd appreciate it if you found a mint before you do that again. Give me a longer one. I'm pretty good. Ahh! I have fears. Do you?
I'm claustrophobic. Did that come from the incarceration? I was never incarcerated. But I am claustrophobic.
Are you? Truly. I really am.
If someone zipped me in a sleeping bag, I would freak out. You put a person on top of me zipped up sleeping bag.
It's a party. You might have a heart attack. Because of the sex? I didn't know there was someone.
Well, you've got a man on top of you in the sleeping bag now. The zipped up sleeping bag, and the joke is, oh, sit on it.
That's a childhood thing. No, it didn't happen.
But I can imagine that. I've got a good imagination.
It drives my wife crazy when... That's a kick to me? I'll start. It drives my wife crazy when...
I take the sticker off the apple when I wash it by the sink, and I leave the sticker stuck to the sink. Why do you do that? Because I couldn't be bothered to throw it away. Who's going to throw it away?
Aren't there little magic people that come along and throw these things away and fold our socks and underwear? What, they're little elves?
She makes me feel like there's elves living in the house, and I love her for it. She's created a magic place for you. At the same time, with a full career of her own, and an incredible mother.
Yeah. I can't do all that stuff. Do you have any personal space issues? I mean...
Yeah, that's a violation right there. That's a violation?
I reached too much, went too far. You know, I wash my hands about 60 times a day. That's disconcerting. I'll be boiling the tops of my hands when we're done with this interview.
I haven't touched this sandwich. Literally have not touched it.
Now, look who just got past some of his issues.
I want to do something. I want to feed you. I'm going to touch this side of the bread. No, you're not. If it's going to my mouth, you're not touching it. I'm going to touch this side of the bread, and I'm going to dip it and feed you that side of the bread.
Okay. That's all right? Sure. You know what?
This has taken our friendship to a...
Do you want to do a primal let-out before you take this bite? No. You can. No, the yelling part's not working. Just say, oh.
There it is. Eyes, please. That's a connection. |
dropout | Your_Sad_Story_Is_NOT_The_Same_as_Mine | Honey, you were too good for him. You are gonna tell us everything while we go down on some greens. I know breakups are never easy, but we 1000% relate, okay? I promise you are not alone. We've been dating for seven years and he broke up with me over text message, you guys. Who actually does that? Honey, I know exactly how you feel.
Oh my god, Lily, did you? Of course, just last week, I gave my number to that hot bartender at that bar on 4th street and he, I kid you not, never texted back. Oh my god, the same thing. No, you guys, no, no, no, no, Lily, that's not the same. Honey, we both lost a version of our futures. You with your long time partner, Kevin, and me with that hot bartender, I wanna say his name was like, Gepi?
She's just here to help you. I know, you guys, it's just that like, you know, I can't even like think straight right now. I'm just so sad. I'm just that overwhelmed. Girl, we get it, okay? We are here for you. I've just been in so much physical pain that I can't even like get out of bed. Like, it's just like, I've been crying so hard. That's so hard for you.
You know, I've been there. Oh, Christine, you're much stronger than the rest of us. I know, right? But I just started kickboxing and I have also been sore everywhere.
Watch this. Don't hurt yourself. The same exact thing.
Come on, you guys. Excuse me? Yeah, excuse you, Christine.
You just equated my physical depression pain that I've been in for a week to you doing too many reps at your CrossFit gym. Kickboxing, it's like you don't even listen.
Christine is just trying to relate to you. Honey, they're basically like the same story.
No, it's not. Pain is pain. No, no, no, no, don't help her. Real pain is having to move all of your furniture out of your apartment so Kevin can move his new girlfriend in Braylin.
I get it. I really think you don't. Believe it or not, I do, okay?
When I moved out here, my partner, who was supposed to come with me, left me for their student, who was 10 years younger than me.
Yeah. Oh my God, Jess, I'm so sorry. Are you serious? LOL, no way. You're the best ever. That was so sad. No, that wouldn't happen to me, but I do understand where you're coming from because Marsha and I are thinking of selling the Silver Lake house and it's going to meet a couple of weeks at the Fairmail and their service, it's just okay. Oh, baby. You guys are exactly living the same nightmare. No, no, stop that, you guys.
What she was saying is not even close to what I've been saying. None of you are actually listening to what I've been saying this entire time.
Honey, I get that. This is just like when Delta would not listen to me about bringing my emotional support birds onto the plane. Call me honey one more time.
Jessica, calm down, okay? We are just trying to help you. You are not trying to help me because you're a bunch of self-centered narcissists who have never actually been through anything.
You know what? Have a great life. And I hope you can pull your head out of the sand long enough to gain a little perspective. See you never ...
That was such as, how was your mom's funeral? Oh, yeah. Are you my freaking dad? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Wrong_Turn_Mum_Saves_The_Day_The_Perfect_Date_More_February_3 | January's over, it's all over, we're into the year, you can't talk about getting back into the swing of things, it's all expected of you at this point. This is probably the engine room of the year right now, there's no sport on. The India tour, I'm just about to start, but I know how much you despise test cricket, especially when it's overseas.
I do. I believe there was some surfing as well Clancy. Yawn. Boring. No not much, reality television obviously takes hold, we're in reality television season. Yeah we won't say any names though, we're not being paid to, so we're not saying any names. Yeah okay cool. But yes I'm watching them all. Yeah how have you been jumping, you do maths and then watch Survivor recaps?
What did I just say? Sorry. I got carried away.
Yeah no I've really been getting into my maths too, I mean you know you can get this stuff from Bing Lee or Harvey Norman, both great sponsors of the show. It's like this compressed air in a can that you can use to clean all of your electronics, like I use it to spray out my desktop computer after especially long sort of marathon sessions of World of Warcraft and things like that, but anyway in this can there's like a propellant and you can put that into a plastic bag and then you spray the air cleaner into a bag and then you can turn on a show like maths or Survivor or something like that and you can huff on this bag and it makes it watchable. Really? Yeah. What does it do to your brain? Is there any like concerns there? Does it put holes in them or not? Well for each episode you watch I think it's you know the CTE equivalent of playing a hundred games. Because that's my concern right? Like maths does put holes in your brain so if you're doing... Is it the bag that you're huffing or is it the actual... Well I'm just worried about doubling down and doing double damage.
Okay yeah that's true. That's true. That is true.
Do I just enjoy the bag and not watch maths? Just put the plastic bag over your head and then put your belt around at the bottom. If you do too much bag then you'll end up like that cat off bad boy bubby.
I've actually never seen that movie. I saw the trailer and I decided I'd never want to watch that.
It's exactly like... It's been troubling Errol this week. Yeah it's been sitting on his conscience. It's exactly like an episode of Mr Bean that goes for two hours that is set in Adelaide. It's actually relevant to this first story we're going to lead with isn't it? Well it is to a degree and you know it's actually of an era bad boy bubby when we We almost look back and we thank Howard for stripping back the funding from Screen Australia because films like this were just getting made. Well technically that one was made under Keating which speaks volumes of both I think. I think that's a movie that could only happen under Keating. There'd be plenty of people who say that's blasphemy to say that about a RoftaHear movie wouldn't they? There would be people but you've got to watch it. I don't want to watch it it sounds awful. I think people who like RoftaHears movies are like the people who keep Renault and Peugeot alive in this country. Yeah okay.
Volvo drivers as well? Volvo drivers.
No? No I don't think so. Yeah okay.
I haven't seen a Volvo around here for years. Are you aware that some people collect Citroens? I am aware they're the same people who keep the canned air people in business too. I think there's a direct correlation between owning a French car and having holes on the brain too. Back to bad boy bubby and we kick off with a national story which was the story of the week.
There was a debacle down in Sydney when the Pell Funeral Procession accidentally took the body to the cathedral instead of a landfill where the cunt belongs. Yes it was a mix up that left many mourners angry and confused after they lined the streets of Erskine Park in Sydney's west to pay their respects before the convicted paedophile was expected to be laid to rest under a pile of fermented nappies and kitchen scraps. And unfortunately his body was taken to St Mary's Cathedral in the heart of Sydney where it was paraded around in front of politicians and high ranking public servants, media personalities and such where they all got the opportunity to pay their final respects to someone they loved.
After they cut off all the ribbons for survivors of sex abusive victims of course. Yeah it was a dark day in Sydney down there, lost a lot of followers on our social media channels after a couple of those stories. Well a lot of people said they were unfollowing, whether they did so or not. It's just hard news, it's hard facts so you know, calling paedophiles, paedophiles, it's just kind of left me bad. It'll be very hard to break that to the shareholders, we might have to put a trading halt on our shares on the ASX. They just want us to go pro-pedophile like the New York Times, we're not doing it.
Or the Glebe Morning Herald. Or Channel 10.
Let's change it up, we're going to go all the way to the other side of the country and over in Western Australia that missing radioactive capsule has been immediately found by the truck driver's mum after she took a proper look. Believe it or not there was some good news this week, mining giants and sacred cave destroyers Rio Tinto have confirmed that the tiny radioactive capsule that went missing on a remote stretch of Western Australian highway has been found and that was after an exhaustive week long search. Yes, it's been the story of the week over there in the Democratic People's Republic of Western Australia and thankfully the truck driver's mum, whose eyes aren't painted on, managed to sort the situation out after going and having a proper look around. And she managed to find it without a single device, unlike all the fancy scientists with their buzzers and detectors. It turned out it was right where he left it so thanks mum for sorting that one out.
I dreamt colder. I thought it was under a pair of underpants on the side of the road. Or a Gatorade bottle full of truck driver's urine. Could have been. Nice blood orange hue of a dehydrated truck driver. Looks just like apple juice.
Now we've got a story from here in town and a local boyfriend has absolutely nailed it with Moonlight Cinema tickets and a woolly sushi platter. The Casanova of the Channel Country. North Patuta Heights man by the name of Jamie Kurtzworthy has surprised his partner with some much needed romance this week and so romantic was the gesture that it made headlines in our very own newspaper. Yes, he managed to snag tickets to the Moonlight Cinema showing of 10 Things I Hate About You on the big outdoor screen inside Patuta Wetlands. And he turned up with some La-di-da sushi. Also he had a box of clinkers as well. So it's a bit of a, you know, this is, he's kind of set the high water mark here ahead of Valentine's Day for the rest of the town. Yeah, a lot of people were saying that in the comments, they were quite concerned. Christian Lucas said his favourite part of this story is that he was reading it and hoping his girlfriend hadn't seen the post because I think he wanted to step it up a notch for a date night and do that, maybe anniversary or something like that. Also had the chicken Caesar sushi. So he went all out.
He didn't just go the plain chicken and avocado, he went chicken Caesar, which is the finest of all the sushi. That is the finest. It's even nicer than the plant-based chicken replacement one. I like the, um, Parmesan heavy aioli that they put on the chicken Caesar. It's quite authentic I believe. That's very popular in Tokyo.
Kewpie mayonnaise. Kewpie.
But they, they make it suzy. They make it, they make it a...
Now we're going to finish up with a sports story and a universally loved athlete has united the sporting world with a euphoric comeback win. Yes, sport fans around the nation and the world were joyfully dancing in unison on Sunday night after a stirring sporting victory. Even if you aren't a sports ball fan, you were probably aware of the feats of Novak Djokovic at the Australian Open who managed to secure his 10th title in front of a packed house in Melbourne. And after missing last year's tournament, it was a victory for the modern day Muhammad Ali who was willing to stand firm for his morals and overcome the highest of sporting pinnacles.
Take that Bill Gates, we saw you staring in the crowd. Sorry that you can't control everyone. Lick my nuts Bill. A nice note to finish on, hope you enjoyed the news wrap. Talk to you soon. Hooroo! Mahalo. |
dropout | hardly_working_spoiler_alerts | Turns out it was a clerical error.
I never even had an STD. You guys believe me, right? Yeah, definitely. You don't have an STD. No.
Oh, did you guys see Delia's catch last night? Yeah! How funny was it when the green horn on the Cornelia Marie slipped while unloading the crab traps? Yes! AHHH! Thanks a lot, David!
Yes, some of us haven't watched it yet. Uh, okay. I didn't really think I was spoiling anything. Hey, uh, you were, so thanks. Hey, hey, who saw the dog whisper last night, man? Oh, yeah.
I thought that Pomerany would never get trained, but...
Caesar did it again! AHHH! Thanks a lot, Pat!
Spoiler alert, much? Yeah, hello.
Now we know the Pomeranian gets trained in that episode. I mean, why even bother watching it now? Because, like, every episode of that show ends with Caesar training the dog.
That's the whole- AHHH! Well, there goes the whole season!
Yeah, agreed. Thanks, Pat. Sorry, Streeter. Oh, Amir.
I finally saw that funny cat video you emailed me. AHHH! Great! I might as well throw away my internet now. That doesn't even make sense. Okay! I mean, why go online if we just know there's gonna be a cat video? Thanks, David! It was just a stupid cat with his head stuck in a paper towel tube. It was nothing special. AHHH!
Hello?
What? How would you feel if you'd been waiting your entire life to see something and then I just up and told you the ending? I mean, can you even begin- Oh! Oh my god! Someone come up for help!
I'm so sorry.
Okay, he's waking up. Let's give him some room. Give him some room. Guys, I...
I went somewhere. I saw a white blinding light and my- My oma was there and it was so warm and so peaceful and nice. And she looked at me and said, Amir, it's not your time. And I woke up. And I was here.
AHHH! Thanks a lot, Amir! Yeah, some of us haven't died yet. AHHH! You're right! This is amazing! And I can't even get the box off the tin! Nope. AHHH! |
dropout | 8_people_who_have_accomplished_more_than_you_at_every_age | Check it out! I could play Bob-O-Black Sheep! I just composed my first symphony. I could also play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Isn't that the same tune? Do you like it? Some people think it's one of the greatest pieces of Spanish art. Yeah!
I like this one better. I painted it earlier this year. Mine has... Mine has the word fuck hidden in it.
What's your writing? What's a college essay?
Yeah, it's 200 words about how I learned a lot in drama club. But what I really learned about... was myself.
That's great! I'm writing Frankenstein, a landmark piece of literature that will remain relevant for centuries to come. And practically invent the genre of science fiction. May I read your thing?
No! Oh!
How did you get so good at this? Two years of solid practice. And I'm gonna get even better at it. Two years from now, I'm gonna be the best fucking person here at getting a tiny ball in a cup. Awesome. I'm gonna spend the next ten years expanding my current kingdom of Macedon into one of the largest empires of the ancient world. And I'm gonna remain undefeated in battle the whole time. Looks like I'm pretty the great at this too. I should go to the gym more. I just set an Olympic record for the 200-meter.
Later! Bolt! Wait, wait, wait, wait, 26 years.
Nothing's changed. What have I done for the past four years? I'll tell you what I've done. No...
I just released Citizen Kane, known as the greatest film of all time. Also, I just set another Olympic record. This one for the 100-meter. Bolt! I am first man in space!
It's myself. Hey, you wanna watch this sketch I wrote? Sorry, I'm a little bit busy. Yeah, fine. What about you, Sane? Actually, I shouldn't even be here.
I'm not 29 years old yet. Who knows what I'll accomplish by the time I'm this age. Bolt! Hi, I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. Three years ago, I had a happy, normal life.
Now look at me. I'm lurking at the end of YouTube videos, begging strangers for clicks. Just one click, man. That's all I need. You can click over here to subscribe to our channel, or click over here to watch another video. Come on, man. One click. That's all I need. Just give me a click. |
wearethesundayblues | hippo_croc_how_animals_respond_to_youtube_comments | Hey you. Did you read any comments from our last video? Mmm. No, I didn't.
Mostly upset fatties. Dude, you can't say that. It's a comment. You can't tell if a person's fat or not from something like that. Well, let's take this comment for example. America was pretty or fank of M American. Due to the poor grammar and misspelled words, I can only chalk it up to chubby fingers on the keyboard. Dude, it's that kind of thing that keeps getting us in trouble.
This one says, why does everyone forget about Canada? What's a Canada?
I might be wrong, but I think it's a giant amusement park.
Just above America. Oh yeah. Canada Land. Yeah. Well, this guy said, it would have been easy.
Interesting! How Germans would eat their food! Sausages, sauerkraut, and beer!
Dude, what is wrong with you, honestly? Whatever man, the Germans are known for their sense of humor. Well, there's this one.
I am Polish. Yes, nice to meet you, Polish. I am hippo.
Dude, just listening to some of these comments, it's pretty clear that people are pretty bummed with you, dude. Well, old Frankie P didn't mind. He said, I am American and proud of it. Just because there are a few fat people that lies here, don't mean everyone here is fat. S-M-U- |
dropout | perfect_fantasy_world | We asked the College Humor staff what their fantasy life would be like if they could escape their everyday reality. This is what they said. My perfect fantasy world, I guess I'm envisioning it to be sort of like a parallel universe. I have two dads and one is Gordon Bombay from The Mighty Ducks and one is Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights. And they just like always tell me that I'm doing a good job just like all the time.
My fantasy world, everything would be made of ice cream. So Ice Cream Planet would be kind of like Alaska. Instead of everything being covered in snow, it would be ice cream. And instead of igloos, it would be ice cream igloos. If you get tired of where you live, you just eat your house, build a new house, eat that, eat your neighbor's house.
Ice cream people are pretty short depending on what race they are. And there is racism in the ice cream world, which is very sad. They're trying to get past that, but they're not there yet.
Like I don't think I could have a fantasy world that didn't incorporate Muppets somehow. I don't know where they fit in, but maybe they could be part of the Bollywood dance crew that follows you around in this world. My perfect fantasy world would be the real world, the regular world, except I have dragons. And only I have dragons. I figure I have like two or three. You don't want to go crazy. And I work like a really boring, regular office job. But I show up and instead of driving like a minivan or whatever, I fly in on my dragon. And everyone wonders why I don't just like take over the world with my dragon, but I just make like small talk about the weather and stuff and just ignore the fact that I have a dragon. For me, my perfect fantasy world would be living in the universe of the film Last Action Hero, where I have a golden movie ticket that lets me go into movies. Because then I have access to all sorts of fantasy worlds. I don't have to commit to just one. You know, I can go inside Avatar and I'm flying on a pterodactyl thing. I could go inside the Avengers, you know, I'm chilling with Thor. I don't know if Thor would chill with me, but this is a perfect fantasy world, so why not?
Perfect fantasy, I wake up in my perfectly modest McMansion in Potomac, Maryland. I've always wanted to work at an elephant orphanage, but it's a big deal to get hepatitis shots and go to Africa. So I probably just have a lot of elephants in my mansion, which would be very unnatural for them, which is fine.
I would just be able to jump like incredibly far, like the Hulk, I guess. I'd be like the Hulk, you know, like I could just jump for like miles. And it wouldn't really, I wouldn't have any problems when I landed. My knees would be totally fine.
I'd love to live in a world that's like the future, but like people in the 1890s thought the future was going to be. Very sleek, everything's electric, no steam. Basically, like, you know, if you went to the World's Fair in like 1920, it's that world, I think, that I live in, with moon babes. I can't be clear enough about that. They're basically super hot girls, but they have two little antennas like this. Like I always thought it'd be really cool to wake up in like a world where like Paul Reiser and Billy Crystal have switched places. And so like I wouldn't notice for a couple days, just walking around, like my normal life, no, I think we'll go to Blockbuster, get a movie.
Wait a second, who's this in City Slickers 2? Paul Reiser, something, something is different here. Go home, watch Nick at Night. What's Billy Crystal doing? I'm mad about you. I like freak out, run through the streets, go like, don't you guys notice the difference here? Like, no, buddy, you're crazy. Everybody knows Paul Reiser's the guy who does blackface on the Oscars. That's his thing, that's his shtick.
Oh, and also I'd have skin pockets, so I have a place to put my keys when I'm naked, so. I'd have skin pockets when I'm naked. |
dropout | nick_dee_on_the_2002_nba_all_star_weekend | Hello, and welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame, where in every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorites deserves to be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Nick D. That's me.
This is a wild story. By the end of it, someone will die. No bullshit. You think I'm bullshit. No bullshit. Somebody's going to die.
Before we get started, if you're watching this on the CH2 channel on YouTube, thanks, but stop it. What are you doing? Hop on over to Dropout, download Dropout today. I'm telling you, you can get all the podcasts way earlier. This has already been up. You're living in the past, man. And also tons more series like Total Forgiveness with Allie and Grant, where they do horrible stuff to each other to pay off their student loans.
Okay. Right. Nick, do you have anything you'd like to plug? You're a photographer? Excellent photographer. Oh, thank you. Based in Los Angeles. I am. Yeah. I'm a photographer based out of Los Angeles. If you're an actor who happens to live in LA and you need head shots, or if you have some other exciting thing going on, if you need new shots for the bumble, for the tinder, hit me up.
I'll make you look good. Ooh. You're so hard. Stick the phone on. Fire up. Excellent.
Now, right now you're based in Los Angeles, but you are originally from where? I am from the southern New Jersey region of the world, just outside Philadelphia.
Right. The greatest city on earth. Yes. And you are here to talk about when All Star Weekend came to the great city of Philadelphia. Yes.
And like I said, by the end of this, someone will have died. Someone will have died.
So what happened? How did this? So was this the first time that it came to Philadelphia or like what, when, or better question, when the announcement came that they're going to have All Star Weekend, NBA All Star Weekend in Philadelphia, what was your response? How did you think it was going to go? Well, okay. So here's what happened. We were originally supposed to have it in 99. Okay.
A strike happened and then they ended up being like, well, there's no basketball, so no more All Star Weekend for you. So you can have it in O2. So the whole thing was kind of cursed from the jump because it was like, it could have been, if you picture like what the 99 All Star Weekend could have been versus what the O2 All Star Weekend was, like in 98 there, for some reason there was no dunk contest.
Yeah. I don't know why. I don't remember that. There just wasn't. So like in 99, like there could have been one and it could have been dope, but then there wasn't one in 99. So then the one that happened in 2000 was like the most electrifying dunk contest that never happened. And it's like, that should have been ours. Son of a bitch. We don't get that. The city ended up losing like $40 million because it had like widened streets and like redone all the bus stops and everything. Like in anticipation of this event that never happened. Will Chamberlain died eight months later. So like he never got to see it like a whole bunch, you know, it sucks, right? So the 2002 one happens and it just kind of like, yay, finally great.
Money into the city. I was bartending at the time. So I was like dope, come give me tips and like stuff like that. Like everyone just kind of, you know, whenever you live in a city and like, you know, a conference or something is coming there, you just kind of anticipate like parties. And if you're in the service industry, more tips and stuff like that.
And then it turned out to just be like, everyone was miserable. Nothing good happened. It's February. It's freezing to begin with. A lot of expectations that people had just kind of weren't met.
Right. Now I was not, this isn't, this wasn't a thing that I was even necessarily able to research. So I am, I am, I am, but I do know some of the points of your story. Yeah. What you were living in Philadelphia at the time. Yeah.
What was the thing of what was, what R Kelly was mentioned. I don't remember if we can mention this or not, but R Kelly, R Kelly was throwing parties during this all-star weekend because it brings a whole lot of stars, a whole lot of different celebrities. Yeah. This is 2002 R Kelly. 2002 R Kelly. This is two days after the initial allegations like came out. R Kelly literally was throwing a party in Philadelphia.
So like if, Philly, we're very like, uh, defensive about being Philadelphia just because people like to hate us because they ain't us. You know how it is. Um, so it's like a Napoleon syndrome type thing.
Oh no. No. No.
I don't know if you heard, um, that's him. He wasn't short. That's not a mess. See, that's the thing.
They talk about, they like to speak, speak ill of, of those of which they are jealous. Like everybody on Philadelphia where actually you should be, um, I would like to, if you would allow me, uh, to read some of the parties that were, uh, listed for that weekend and how much Philadelphia loves its own and loves to plug its own. Um, on February 7th, we started off with the Will Smith and Friends party.
Excellent. Yes. It sounds great.
At the electric factory, which is kind of like a mid, it's like the will turn in LA or like, if you've ever been to like the Roseland ballroom in New York, it's kind of like that level of venue. It's like, it's like, you know, it's a dope place to go see something featuring Bismarcky and DJ Jazzy Jeff Bismarcky is from South Jersey. I don't know if a lot of people know that they think he's from New York for some reason. Um, and then on February 8th and 9th, uh, the Philly Austin star concert featuring Jill Scott music soul child, the roots DJ Jazzy Jeff and Bismarcky at the electric factory again for the next two nights in a row. On the one hand, even in 2002, this is already a blast from the past a little bit for most of these names, but also just going down that list. These are incredible people.
Yeah. I forget how many people come out. How many artists come out of, uh, Philadelphia? Yeah. The original R and B music scene. Yeah. Philadelphia. Right. A lot of people forget all that. Yeah. Boys to men. That's incredible. Yeah.
Boys to men played Missy Elliott in like a celebrity basketball game. It's just boys to men versus Missy.
She took them all down. Uh, February 10th, there was at the electric factory again and we have like three venues in Philly and two of them are the same, uh, is the old school all-stars party featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff and Bismarcky. And then later on, it's like, uh, Jay-Z will also be hosting parties throughout, but won't be performing any, at any of them. Whoa. But also Bismarcky is scheduled to perform at no less than half a dozen parties.
Like we can't stop with ourselves. Okay. One of the things that is listed is R Kelly on the 10th will be hosting the, and in case you guys forgot what city we're in, we're in Philadelphia. We are. Yeah. Firmly in Philadelphia. R Kelly will be hosting the Chicago NBA players ball featuring Chicago players and Chicago DJs.
You went the wrong town, boo-boo. Like we might not run you out of town for whatever the child porn stuff was, but like repping Chicago in our city won't get you murdered. We're not here for it.
Right. Yeah. And that was like the morning, it was like two days after.
So okay, this is how much like also just like no one gave a crap about Philadelphia, even the NBA. So the, this particular all-star weekend happened the exact same weekend as the opening ceremonies for the 2002 Winter Olympics.
And they were both carried on NBC. Wow. NBC was winning that year.
I guess, but it was like the, the, the all-star game was more of like an afterthought to them. They were just getting, you know, cause they're not going to like not show Michelle Kwan over, you know, people like the figure skating is like what everybody is too. They're not going to give that up to show like the dunk contest, which is a terror, one of the worst dunk contests in history, by the way. It's almost always disappointing.
This year was good. And then the Vince Carter year was good. Was that 2000? That might've been 2000. This year was like, I think it's the, well, first of all, it was the first year that they went down to four people instead of six and they also did like this tournament style thing.
Yeah. So it was like, well, the first, if the first two players didn't do well enough, it was like, you go sit down, I guess. And then we just get to watch everybody else. And it was just like dumb. No one cared. Yeah.
Nobody that was in it, nobody cared about. It was really, God, and it could have been, there was no three sixties or no honeydip. There was nothing. It was really bad.
So R. Kelly, I guess, did the, I think he did the national anthem or something for the opening ceremonies on February 8th in Salt Lake. Of the Olympics.
And then the cops were like, oh, hey, child porn allegations. And then he flew to Philly, made a statement on the tent saying, I didn't do that. And then held his Chicago players balling that evening.
Oh my God. Because you like make it look like you care any less. Yeah, really Jesus. And that was all, wow. Well, okay.
Well, yeah, right now it's, it's looking good for getting into the hall of fame just for the amount of insanity. So people, it was Michael Jordan's last NBA All-Star game that he started and he scored eight points. He was as a wizard, this is his first year as an official wizard. We had just lost, I think AI scored five points. No way. Yeah, he had a two pointer to three pointer.
That's it. That's all he did.
The entire starting lineup for the East didn't even match. Kobe, I think scored 31 on his own. And I think the entire starting lineup for the East scored like 20 when like Tracy McGrady was the highest scorer for the East. He had like 24 points and he was not a starter obviously.
When they were announcing, this is how classy we are. When they're announcing all the players for the West, like Kobe comes out and we all hate Kobe. And the crowd is booing him fiercely. And they had like trotted out a bunch of local children to like high five the players as they're coming out and stuff or whatever. And even like you hear some little 10 year old kid on the mic like, boo, don't touch me, I hate you. It's a little Philadelphia and they're like boo, Kobe.
What is it about Philadelphia? What is the thing that gives you that attitude? Well, you're saying, is it because people shit on you? Is it because like New York shits on you? Here's the thing, like New York is a huge market and a lot of people do what New York says and New York, here's the thing, living in Philly is just as dope as living in New York for like a quarter of the price and they're jealous and that is what it is.
It's a combination of that. So then they start hating on you and it's like anything where like when you're told for a long enough time that you suck, you kind of start to believe it. You know what I mean? So then we can't help but just ruin everything that we touch after a while. And it's also that kind of thing of like, I'm sure this doesn't happen to you, but like if you're like in a fight with someone and like has a woman and then like a dude just like, well, you're just being a bitch and it's like, well, now anything that I ever say is me being a bitch. So like you've like won that argument by making that assertion.
So now it's like, if you say that like, well, everyone from Philly is like a piece of trash that can't get out of their own way, then every time we ever do anything, it's feeding into that stereotype. It's like, we can't win a Super Bowl without hijacking a trash truck and writing fuck tomb on the side of it. And like eating horse poop. Like we can't not be those people anymore no matter what we do. So with this, you said before we started that this is why Philadelphia can't have nice things. We ruin it every time.
Now you, so you're in the middle of all-star weekend. And then outside of your apartment building, what happens? Okay, so two things happen. I'm guessing they're unrelated.
So the first thing happened, like the night of the game, I was coming home from work and there was just, it was like crime ridden city. It was like, we can't have anything. We can't have like people pouring into our city without us showing off like just that we're, we have to get in violence, be those people. You gotta like out for the situation.
Exactly, like someone cut someone off there. I remember it was like a dude in a black Escalade was like coming this way down 12th. And then somebody was coming up walnut and like the dude in the Escalade ran a light and almost hit the dude coming this way and then got mad and then stopped in the middle of the intersection and got out and just started shooting a gun off in the middle of the intersection. Like, cause the other guy is like long gone at this point in time.
What are you shooting? Why, why are you doing this?
I was like, ah, I was like getting off the bus. I was like, I'm gonna get back on the bus.
Did the police come? Oh no, you. No, the dude just like took off. He like got out, just like shot a bunch and then got back into his Escalade and took off. And it was, cause it's really, everybody was like, ah. It's over.
Let's go about what our day. And then the next morning, picture it, February 11th, I go out to take the trash out and in back of my building is a dead body. I told you, I told you. A dead body. Just like laying in the alley.
It was like some like, it looked like some picnic dad that thought he was going to go have like a, he was going to go watch the basketball. Oh no. Yeah. It wasn't like a super old person. No, it was like a youngish, like white dude. He was kind of balding. He had like a Ned Flanders sweater on. Oh my God. Yeah, he was on his stomach. I walked, I was like, ah, what?
And I've seen three dead bodies in my life and like two were at funerals and one is this guy. So I went running back inside and I'd love to say like I ran back inside and called the cops, but it was no, I ran back inside and was like, roommates, guys, dead body, come look. So we all go out and look. And then my roommate calls the cops. She calls 911 because it's Philly. The operator is like, are you sure that it's dead? And my roommate's like, yeah.
And she goes, well, that's not really an emergency anymore. You just have to call the regular cops. Oh no. She's like, well, there's kind of nothing we can do at this point in time. I guess call the regular cops. She couldn't transfer you or nothing. She did not get a shit. I don't know if you've ever seen any of those like crime shows where it's like the Philly 911, but it's like famously do not give a shit.
Wow. Wait, but okay. So how long? Oh my God.
No one questioned us. No one asked us.
Do you think, were they like, look, it's busy. It's all-star weekend. I think that's part of what it was. I'm sure this was not the first dead body that they found that weekend, considering how everybody was acting. Jesus. And I'm sure that they had like other actual like active stabbings and shootings and shit to go deal with it. They were like, if it's already dead, I guess just go throw a tarp on it and see what we can do. Now, this would just be your opinion, but I'm asking your opinion when you saw the dead body, what ran through your head of what could possibly allegedly, purportedly maybe be the cause of death? I think it was something where like he got, because here's the thing.
I didn't live in a bad neighborhood. I lived in the Gaborhood. Like I lived in like the West Hollywood of Philadelphia.
Like I looked at a, so we didn't know if it was like, like who's murdering you in our alley? That makes absolutely no sense. Did it look like it was a violent death? Did it look like they passed away violently?
We couldn't see. I couldn't, I couldn't see.
There was no blood. Like it wasn't like he didn't get like stabbed. He wasn't shot or anything as far as I could see.
So we don't know if he just like, we think that it might've been one of those things. Cause we lived right next door to this like very famous gay club called Woody's. So like we think that it might've been like, he was like secretly like gay dad, you know? And I was going to the city like for some shit and then like got caught up, like did drugs or something that you couldn't handle and like OD'd in our alley.
Like that's what, that's the official story that we have concocted for ourselves because the police never asked us any questions. We never heard anything about it ever again.
It was like they put a tarp over and they told us to go inside. We went inside. I kind of peeked my head out an hour later.
It was gone. There was no trace. Right. Oh wow. Yeah gone.
They didn't even have the courtesy to be like, all right, we're taking this body away. No, cause it wasn't our body.
So what are you gonna tell me about? Fair enough. Holy cow. Yeah. That's like, okay. You're the kid in a. Stand by me. Oh, I was going to say boys in the hood, but yeah. I guess both of those work.
You want to see a dead body. You want to do a dead body? Yeah. Do you want to do a dead body?
Wow. I didn't know that a person could do that.
You want to see a dead body. That was me right back inside. I got my five roommates. I was like, yo, y'all want to see a dead body? That was you. That was me.
Ooh, an all-star weekend. How many did you make out with a lot of tips? Oh no. You went through a lot. Not more, not really more than usual. I worked in this like folk club. So I don't know that that was really the particular like demographic for people that want to watch basketball. My God. That is really, that's super crazy. I wasn't at any of DJ Jazzy Jeff or Biz Markey's parties. So I didn't make the tips off of that. Yeah. I was at like X monkeys basically. We're like doing like solo shows. Yeah, that, that God, you deserve to at least get a couple extra tips for that. Yeah. That's insane.
I saw a dead body. Just for living through. Yeah. I should have gone around to everybody that night and work and be like, guys, I'm real traumatized. I saw a dead body.
Can you help a girl out and see if anybody gave me anything? Did you have, have you ever met DJ Jazzy Jeff or you didn't go to any of the shows?
That's so funny that you said that. Okay. So there was, I almost did and not that I almost did, but like I could have it and it was a thing where like you could win something and I didn't win it. And I was so just like inordinately mad as if like this was a thing that could happen.
They had, so there's this dude, he's like a local celebrity and affiliate named Pat Croci. And I think he used to own the Sixers. And I think he used to be a big up at Comcast or like something like that. But anyway, his whole background is from like personal training and sports and stuff. Okay. And in like 1992, he held this thing at this, it used to be the spectrum where the Sixers used to play called the I Feel Great show.
And it was basically like to get local kids to come and like, it was like, get out of the bleachers and like dance around and like that would be like your workout for the day and like, you know, like don't be a fat Philadelphia slob like get up and move. You know, don't just eat cheesesteaks and yell at the Eagles, get up and move. So the, because it was not, it was like 92. So they weren't that, that famous yet.
It was DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince were going to be there, Will Smith, right? But still going by the Fresh Prince. And they did like a, like basically like a globe trotter like level game, like against the Sixers and like, it was like, you know, like a fun day and stuff, but like they had this thing where like basically every kid that was there was entered in to win a bike. And if you want a bike, then like you got to go down onto the floor and DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince were like, hug you and like take a picture and like present you with this bike. And all day I was like, yeah, I'm gonna win this bike. I was like, it's definitely gonna be why I'm here. The Lord put me here so I could win this bike and me, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince of course didn't win and was like so inordinately pissy about it. Like I was like. That's the Philadelphia.
It is, yeah, I think that's another good point as to why we can't have nice things is because the second a nice thing is announced, that's like we fixate on that nice thing and then it doesn't happen. And we're just like nah, like flipping tables and you know, it's like winning the lottery. Like there is not a single Philadelphia that ever buys a lottery ticket thinking like, ah, you know, I'm burning a dollar, whatever. If I win, I win. It's like, no, I'm gonna win the lottery tonight. And then you don't and you just like don't understand how that didn't happen. It's like, but I bought the ticket and I'm special and therefore like I should have won.
It's like, no, it's not how that works, boo boo. I love that. It takes a while to kind of beat that out of you. Yeah.
And then so do you feel like Philadelphia, the city had the, I mean, it's a smaller city. I know it's a great city. We're sixth largest in the nation.
Okay, so you do, you'd have the infrastructure to like handle like an influx of. Yeah, because it wasn't like the Olympics. Well, the only reason why they like widen the streets and stuff is because also the next year, no. Oh yeah, so yeah, because we were supposed to get the all-star game in 99 and then we got the Republican convention in 2000. So they had done a lot of infrastructure work just to be able to handle all of that stuff. Because I mean, you're talking like half the streets downtown were still cobblestone, like it's just how it was. So they had to like pave them over and widen them out and stuff like that. So they did have to do things like that, but we didn't have to like build stadiums or do like we had, it's just an all-star game. It's not that big of a deal.
But like we see that, oh, they trotted Elton John out to sing Philadelphia Freedom during halftime because every single time that there's every 4th of July, we trot his ass out to do that. Like we can't ever not, I think like the beginning of the game was like a drum and five band came out obviously dressed like, there's like some dude dressed like Ben Franklin, some dude, like all of the colonial dudes we can't ever stop doing that. Yeah, we always, we're very excited with any time that we're put like on like a national stage or like the world stage or whatever, because there is that thing where we wanna prove so bad that we're not losers and like we're really dope. Do you think having been the former Capitol has anything to do with it?
Oh yes. Really? Yes.
Oh wow, I pulled that out of my ass. No, because we're so like, you're welcome for all the freedom, dickheads. Like yeah, that was the Declaration of Independence, that was us, maybe you've heard of it, like you're welcome and then took the cat, like New York got to be the Capitol first off before it was DC. So it's like another reason to hate them.
But it's like, yeah, we feel like we did all the work and we don't get any of the credit for basically birthing a nation. We're the US's mom, you know, when we get no credit for that shit. Dad gets all the credit, we get nothing.
All right. Because every Fourth of July is a month long celebration. It starts June 4th. In Philadelphia.
Yeah, it's the Wawa Welcome America. What is Wawa? What?
It's a sandwich place? It's, it originally was like a deli. It's like a deli and convenience store. And then they started- It's like it's a 7-Eleven. No, not a 7-Eleven. No, it's an actual like fresh deli. It's not like gross, like heated up pizza slices and stuff. I'm trying to think of anything comparable because most delis don't have a full-on convenience store attached to it. It's its own thing.
And then they started adding gas stations to it when I was like in high school, I think. This sounds an awful lot like- So now everybody is like, oh, it's a glorified gas station. And I'm like, it never started as a gas station.
Okay. But no, the food's, yo, meatball shorty is dope. Okay. This is, you know what? The fact that you had to go through, I'm torn on whether or not, the only thing that I'm really torn on is whether or not the 2002 All Star Weekend goes into the Hall of Fame or you personally.
You went through a lot on this weekend for no extra tips. For no extra tips. No help from the emergency response people. None, could not care less.
Wow, holy cow. R. Kelly comes in and destroys things. Rapping Chicago in my city, get out of here. Yeah, that's true. What if the roots, and like, and DJ Jazzy Jam, we're like flew to Chicago and we're like, we're gonna have the Philadelphia party.
Like, you don't do that. We're too classy to do something like that. I have nothing to say about that.
You could agree. Okay, I agree. All right, I am ready to make a ruling on this one.
And I will say that the 2002 All Star Weekend is in my Hall of Fame. Yeah! How could it not be? Whoa! They're here. It was a clap, it was an applause.
Wow, that is, you went through quite an ordeal. I hope that never happens to you again. Me too.
But now that you live in Los Angeles, we've happened to host a bunch of stuff. We're gonna host the Olympics at some point pretty recently. Were we? And then we didn't get it. We've already hosted it twice, right? Yeah, I think it's gonna happen again.
But hopefully that doesn't happen to you at that point. I don't need to say any more dead bodies.
What do you have to plug? What's your photography business or is there a handle? You can get at me. My website is nickdfotography.com, N-I-C-K-D-E-E, photography.com. There's a lot of information there.
My Twitter is just me screaming into the void about politics and feminism. I'm not even gonna give you my Twitter.
So you definitely gotta jump on that. Jump on that right now.
It's just me retweeting every super liberal. It's just nothing you can't find anywhere else. Well, we'll find out once we follow you. Agree, don't follow me.
Do it, follow her, and then get on Dropout. Okay, thank you so much for watching. Goodbye. Hi, I'm Raphael. And if you like that video, subscribe to Dropout where you can chat with the cast in the exclusive Dropout Discord. And that is a chest-thang promise, which is almost as good as a real promise. |
dropout | we_challenge_you_not_to_yawn | I challenge you to watch this whole video without yawning. For many of you, seeing me yawn just now is enough to make you want to yawn too, but can you suppress it? Already you can feel a tightening in the back of your throat, a moistness in the eyes, a gentle pressure in the ears, a tenseness that you know can be relieved with one simple yawn. It's a biological impulse, the contagious yawn. Even seeing a picture of someone yawning with no sound or motion can be enough to induce a yawn. Or maybe you're one of those people who can read yawn or hear the word yawn, repeated yawn, and feel the need to yawn yawn. But why is yawning contagious?
Well before we get into that, let me show you something. And that's exactly the point.
Now you may be saying, I have no idea what you're talking about. I could watch people and dogs yawn all day long and not feel that weird breathless feeling in my chest or a vague buzzing in my ears. And if that's the case, you very likely have a neurological disorder that inhibits the development of empathy, like schizophrenia or autism. In fact, doctors use contagious yawning to diagnose these very conditions. Or maybe your doctor's just bored with you.
I've got this thing on my back. But maybe you haven't yawned and you really want to. Maybe this whole ordeal has been agony for you, where you've wanted nothing more but to breathe deeply, stretch your jaw and just yawn. And yes, it counts as a yawn if you do that weird thing where you try to yawn through one nostril. Or if you try to yawn without opening your mouth so you look like a frog that's about to vomit. But if you've truly resisted, then congratulations. You made it to the end of the video without yawning. You also put yourself in a lot of discomfort just because some stranger on the internet told you to.
So, I don't know who the real winner is here. Oh, I got you! I got you!
You yawned! You yawned and son of a bitch! Haha!
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | star_trek_confusion | We've got no captain, and we've got no first officer to replace him! Yeah, we do.
Kurt, this is most illogical, you've only just left Starfleet Academy, you don't have the knowledge or experience. Enough with your Vulcan logic, Spock, I've seen all this done a hundred times.
As you wish, Cap... Umm... Is there a problem, Mr. Sulu?
Eh? We can't go to Tatooine, sir. Damn it!
R2-D2 fixed the hyperdrive motivator! What motivator?
Someone must have stolen it! Grr!
Your ship is withering under our attack! Surrender to the Romulan fleet or be destroyed! Captain, photon cannons are ready. We're locked under their ship.
Switch off the targeting computer! Captain, don't do that.
May the force be with me.
Wait! You just blew up the Earth! Forgive me, you must! Really? Enough!
Captain Kirk, I am! My father?
No! What? No.
I'm beaming my soldiers aboard. Stormtroopers! Romulans. Ready your blasters! Phasers.
Frack! Jesus Christ. Alcualonde cuethelmatal. What was that, Elvish? I just got stabbed. Zulu!
No!
Rufio!
Oh! |
TheOnion | Should_Adults_Be_Allowed_To_Bring_Kids_To_R_Rated_Movies_Where_We_Masturbate | I'm Clifford Banes, wearing a perfect latex Juliana McAnus mask.
A recent survey by the MPAA found that 56% of parents have taken their young children to at least one R-rated movie during the past year. But aren't four and five-year-olds too young to watch me masturbating in the movie theater? Oh, way too young. Oh, it's awful. I'm in the back row of an R-rated movie, masturbating with a jacket over my lap. I look over, and somebody's brought their kids. It's like, what are these parents? That's crazy. They know it's R-rated. They know I'm going to be masturbating.
Exactly. I mean, leave them at home. I shouldn't have to awkwardly lock eyes with somebody's kids while I'm cleaning myself up with napkins from concessions. That's what the problem is. They're three or four years old. They don't understand what they're seeing you sop up. Oh, I disagree. I think they do. I completely agree.
And gently massaging the tip of your penis during an R-rated film is a natural part of life. We shouldn't hide them from that. I feel like reaching over and covering their eyes with a hand I'm not using to make myself cum. Congress is considering passing a law that will force the MPAA to prohibit minors from seeing R-rated movies, even with parental supervision. That's right. Is that going to help limit their exposure to our genitals? I don't think so. And roller coasters have height limitations, so you can finger your date without fear being watched by some toddler. I don't need Congress and the MPAA parenting my children. I am a responsible mother. Yes, you are. Well, my children go to R-rated movies. They know to sit in the front row and not turn around, even if it sounds like I'm getting hurt.
But the movies are getting so much more explicit, Paula. In the past, you'd maybe see an over-the-pants, dick-rubbed-to-Grace Kelly in Rear Window. Right, but nowadays, you go to a film with Frances McDormand, you're almost guaranteed to see me ejaculating all over the armrests. Well, should the MPAA be cracking down on more than just R-rated movies? Are GMPG movies also becoming more?
Oh, yes. I think so. I saw that new Kung Fu Panda movie last week.
Not 20 minutes in, I had my shirt and bra off, I was playing with my nipples. Completely topless in a PG movie? Yes, just playing with my bare nipples.
Kids everywhere. But sex is part of the world that we live in. I was watching Nickelodeon with my son on Saturday morning and a commercial came on. There's a guy in a t-shirt in it. Sure enough, I sit right down on a big black dildo.
Oh. Of course. Are you telling me kids can't watch commercials now? Yeah, right.
This is a problem we're seeing with TV shows as well. Now, take a look at this clip. This is from a show that airs at 8 p.m. when a lot of kids are watching TV. Laura Lee, what are you doing? Ugh, I can't get this thing open. You know, these days everybody's horrified all the time. They are. Tomorrow morning on Today Now, we're going to find out exactly why that is. Tune in. |
cracked | 6_historical_figures_who_were_thirsty_af | I'm cracked video writer Carmen Angelica and today I want to talk to you about the thirst throughout history. No, I'm not talking about the times in history when people wanted soda or water or mead. That would be boring. I'm talking about the thirst. Where a male or female does anything for the opposite sex or same sex because they are yearning for attention or sex. Because being thirsty is not a new thing. It's been around for as long as people have wanted to bone. Here are just a few of the thirstiest moments in history.
In 1812, Lady Caroline Lamb was the lover of Lord Byron. And they were both married to other people, but that didn't stop them. In fact, they didn't even hide their affair. Caroline and Lord Byron would arrive at parties together as each other's dates, which was very scandalous at the time because men and women arriving together was n-n-n-n-n-no. But they took it a step farther. Like if Lady Caroline Lamb wasn't invited to the party, again, people knew about the affair so sometimes they would not invite the two of them because it felt weird.
He would just wait outside the party for Byron. Even if it was raining.
Too much. You can do better, I promise.
Then when Lord Byron broke up with her even though he asked her to leave her entire family for him, neither of them were really done and things got weirder and thirstier. After Lady Catherine tried to stab herself if he didn't get back together with her, she was sent away. And still they wrote to each other all the time. So as a gift, she sent him a blood-stained hunk of pubic hair because nothing says I want to be with you like bloody pubes. In 1918 when the artist Oscar Kokoszko was dumped by Lady Alma Mahler, Kokoszko went ahead and tried to continue the relationship without needing his girlfriend around. So he wrote a doll maker providing his ex's measurements and life-size drawing of her.
I feel like you see where this is going. He wrote, Please permit my sense of touch to take pleasure in those places where layers of fat or muscle suddenly give way to a sinewy covering of skin. Okay.
Because the doll maker got the gist of what he was going for and didn't want to use human flesh because that's horrifying. She used polar bear fur and it came out more like a furry huge stuffed animal. Oscar Kokoszko was not happy with it because no good for sex, I assume. But I guess that's what happens when you try to make a sex doll out of your ex.
Even the Federal Bureau of Investigation gets thirsty. In 1982, FBI Special Agent JJ Smith recruited Katrina Leung as an intelligence asset and they began sleeping with each other. Problem was, she was a double agent for Chinese officials and literally getting classified information directly from JJ. Nine years later, she was discovered by another FBI agent named Bill Cleveland. But instead of taking this info to a higher up, he told JJ, hey, I think we have a spy on our hands.
And JJ was like, alrighty then, and did nothing. So of course Bill also did nothing.
As it turns out, that Bill Cleveland then also started having an affair with Miss Leung. It took 10 more years for anyone else at the FBI to realize she was a spy funneling information out of the FBI. I guess that person had a lot of willpower not to start sleeping with Katrina because Katrina was sexy as f*** or the thirst is very real at the FBI. Speaking of the thirst in the government.
We all know JFK loved the ladies. However, JFK wasn't just into interns and Marilyn Monroe, he liked his ladies dangerous.
When he was just a baby 24-year-old in the Navy, he started going for an obvious Nazi spy, Ingrid Arbot. How obvious, you ask? Like she used to be Hitler's companion at the Olympics, kind of obvious.
Thankfully, the Navy quickly switched JFK to a desk job where he couldn't access important Navy secrets that he might blurt out mid hookup. Then, when JFK became president, he buckled down, stopped having risk-givers. I'm sorry, I really tried to keep a straight face. No, JFK was a thirsty, thirsty man. He actually ended up bringing prostitutes and interns into his little sex pad, the White House, and his secret service would stand guard and do the best they could to try to make sure none of his little sex buddies were spies. In addition, he started up a little affair with Ellen Ramech, a suspected communist spy who was informing the East German embassy. But when JFK found out, he didn't stop.
His brother Robert had to finally deport her to make sure his brother didn't accidentally jeopardize the country with his dick. Yup, sometimes people get so thirsty they actually do good things to get that canoodle. In 2007, Kenyan President Muay Kabaki and Prime Minister Rila Odinga had formed a coalition government. They would rule together to stop infighting, but it didn't stop it. Because the president and the prime minister only argued, which hurt the country more and more for two years, until the women of the country said, until you guys stop this nonsense and work for the good of the country, no sex! The women's activist group organized a week-long no sex protest, and they thought of everything. They paid sex workers not to offer services, and even got the prime minister's wife in on it, and she publicly endorsed the boycott on TV. And it worked! The prime minister and the president agreed to meet with the activists. Thanks to the thirst of many, peace and compromise was achieved.
We all know about King Henry VIII, King of England, who's famous for remarrying a bunch of queens and cutting off a few of their heads, being the father of Queen Elizabeth the first. You can get it. Well, when Henry met Queen Elizabeth's mom, Anne Boleyn, he was ready to ****. But she wasn't down unless she could be queen.
However, he was married, and thus, there already was a queen, Catherine of Aragon. And the only option was an annulment, which could only happen if there was proof that the marriage was entered improperly. So when Henry went to the pope and was like, well, my current wife, Catherine, definitely slept with my older brother, who's dead, so you can't ask him, you just gotta take my word for it, the pope was like, oh man.
So Henry was like, alright, then I'm gonna make the Church of England not a part of Catholicism and I'll be in charge. And he formed the Anglican Communion, so he made his own religion because he was a thirsty man.
Now, I can probably go on about the thirst throughout time, but this is a web video, and not a miniseries on the History Channel, but History Channel. I would love to see that miniseries if you wanna make it. Just putting it out there. May the thirst be with you. Don't hate me for that.
Hey guys, Saturday, April 8th, we're doing a live after hours. Katie Willard, Daniel O'Brien, Sorin Bowie, and I will be coming up with movie ideas too awesome to get made. Tickets are $7, there's probably more information somewhere on your screen and a place to click and buy them, so do that. |
cracked | the_definitive_answer_to_game_of_thrones_biggest_mystery | Hi Game of Thrones fans, I'm David Benioff and I'm DB Weiss this year You the fans made Game of Thrones the most popular successful talked about television show ever Mainly because of the big question about Jon Snow So DB and I got together to give you the fans a treat We're gonna debate the Jon Snow question right here on YouTube.
It's as if we are you the fans We're each gonna take a side on the issue.
So without further ado is Jon Snow alive?
Or is Jon Snow alive as fuck now notice when Jon Snow dies that his blood pools in a wing shape That's a good subtle hint that Jon Snow is alive On the other hand notice our promo posters featuring Jon Snow promo trailers featuring Jon Snow and promo interviews Where our cast members dropped dumb little hints about deaths not being final It seems more like Jon Snow's alive as fuck when kid Harrington was asked the big question He specifically said he won't be back next season now He wouldn't be going back on his word if after the season he's alive And yet kid Harrington's been seen on our season six set at our wrap party and riding a horse in the background of a new Clip we showed on Conan.
I'd say Jon Snow's alive as fuck With how much time our show spent on Jon Snow's parentage his struggles and Daenerys's vision of literal snow on the iron throne Basic storytelling rules suggest Jon Snow is alive But hold the phone basic rules of making profitable Televisions say that if David and I like being rich we sure do Jon Snow's alive as fuck now Hold up as we've said in interviews DB And I spent a lot of time and money making sure that Jon Snow's pupils dilated when he died the way a dying person's pupils Would dilate we'd be absolutely psychotic to have gone to all those lengths if we weren't at least thinking about making Jon Snow alive But record scratch party stops everybody turns and looks our show is in a world of magic fire magic zombies I saw these and however Kyburn resurrected Gregor Clegane at this point.
It's odd if any of our characters aren't alive as fuck Well, thank you for watching this video We hope that it was fun for you the fans because it sure was fun for us the puppet masters Thank you so much for watching, please like and subscribe and let us know in the comments if we are right or right as fuck |
SaturdayNightLive | raw_talk_saturday_night_live | Oh, yeah. yeah, you like that, don't you? I bet you do. Oh, give it to me. Hi, Jack, this is Georgia. Ooh, yeah.
Hi, this is Candy. who's this? Hi, uh, this is David.
I'm calling for the Raw talk. Oh, you sound hot, David. are you feeling hot? Oh, yeah. me too. And you know what I want? I want to run my hands down and feel your tushy. my, uh. yeah, let me feel that tush. you like that, right? You like when I lay my hand on your tuckus? I, uh, I guess. you want to feel my tuckus, baby? mmm, that's right. you're my wiener, man. you know that, right? wave your little tinkler next to my caboose wiener, man. hello? Jeannie, speak with you for a second.
Hi. Well, hello, Mr. Carruthers.
I thought we should take a moment to chat about your performance. My performance?
Jeannie, our customers pay a pretty hefty fee to call the Raw line, and they expect I'd go so far as to say they'd count on raw, unbridled sex talk. Okay, okay. tinkler.
Not raw. Not raw at all.
These guys want to hear your deep, dirty secrets. Okay. okay, Mr. Carruthers. sure thing. Good girl. you got it. here we are. Okay. oh, shh. hi. hi. this is Candy. who's this? this is Frank. do you want to get totally raw? Oh, yeah. You know what I want to do, hot Stuff? I want to inspect your worm. Oh. I really. I want to go really raw on you, baby.
Yes, my sister has a lot of hospital bills, and I'm going to do crazy, explicit things. I need money for her operations.
Gee, that's. that is horrible. Yeah. yeah. rub my Keister. you know what? I'm sorry. I have to go. What? Oh. ooh. he finished fast. Gee.
Oh, hi, Mr. Carruthers. I was just monitoring your call. Now, you told people your sister is in the hospital. Well, yes. you said to tell my dark secrets, Mr. Carruthers.
Okay. I did tell you that, and I was wrong. I should have been more specific. Now, if you don't know what to say, just let the customer say what he wants. Okay. good. carry on.
Okay. oh. hi. this is Candy. who's this? Uh, Alan. Well, Alan, why don't you tell me what you want?
Uh, well, I'd really like for you to touch my hiney. your hiney? Are you my wiener man? Yes. yes, baby. I am your wiener man. Oh, my. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_valentine_s_day_s_hottest_tips_snl | This weather's been crazy, right? I know. everywhere I go, it's like 100 degrees. right. right.
Now, Stefan, lots of New York couples will be stepping out for Valentine's Day. where should they go if they want an evening to remember? I have the perfect spot. New York's hottest club is Boof. Located in a abandoned orphanage on the lower, lower East side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke party is the creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozin Lucci. And this place has everything. pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones.
And you'll have your own when Harry Met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with Giz Blow, the coked-up gremlin. I'll have what she's having. Let me just get a pen here. what was the name of that place again, Stefan? okay, great. with Nine O's. Got it, Okay. now I know that I will definitely, definitely not go there. why not? Stefan, maybe I should be more specific. take me, for example. Gladly. I'm trying to find a place to take my serious girlfriend. Oh, this always happens to me. we've been dating for a couple years. boy, do I know how to pick him. And you know, Stefan, I work so darn much. you gotta pay the bills. I just want Monday night to be special. Step onto the rescue. New York's hottest Valentine's Day club is. ho, yo, ho, ho! .built on a dare by a 90-year-old club promoter, Fuji Hauser, M.d. This no-ho nightmare has everything. stun guns, mole people, freezing cold air. And this Valentine's Day, you can lose yourself on the dance floor surrounded by 12 dancing jupids. Jupids? Jewish cupids. Cool. I just want you to meet someone nice and settled down. Yeah. great job, But I gotta be honest. what? I don't think my girlfriend would like that. you should probably break up with her and then do, like, a total 180 or something.
No! No, Stefan.
Do you have any tips, any tips at all, for how to have a simple, romantic, non-psychotic Valentine's Day? Yes. if you want a great Valentine's Day, you don't even need to leave the house. just give the person you love a romantic Valentine's Day gift. you mean like a box of chocolates?
No, like human suitcases. What is a human suitcase? it's a thing of when a midget on roller skates wears all of your clothes, and then you pull them through an airport.
Stefan! Stefan.
Stefan. do you expect people to give each other human suitcases? I mean, would you give your Valentine one of those? Stefan's single right now. he doesn't have a Valentine at all. All right, well, maybe just for tonight. And just for tonight, you could be my Valentine. you mean it? yeah.
I guess I got struck by jupitero. Lehighen! Step on, everybody! it's a weekend out there. I'll set live tonight. |
cracked | the_greatest_internet_video_never_made | All right Noel, thank you for coming by and looking at your phone Now it's the way things are now, you know, but I just want to say we all really like the script I think we will I mean I'll end up on the site I think it's safe to say an iteration of this iteration, but this is a notes meeting And I don't want you to feel like You know noted. Yeah, but we had we do have some notes Oh, I'm right. I'm such a Christmas vision.
Hard. Yes bear. Gotta go.
What can't afford it. Oh, I am The bear the bear is a big part of the sketch and I understand that and I'm not is this right. Okay, please Okay, I'm not asking you to You know, I'm just asking what can we do to mitigate costs on our and could the bear? be saurin The whole point of this is that we have some ruins jurors or it's about realism Yes, that actually brings me to another point I want to make it the middle of for Speaking of realism you say bear mauls woman's face, right completely realistic insert Stocked footage of bear actually mauling someone's face. Yeah, that doesn't we respect your vision and what you have here Thank you so much. You're doing is it? I really appreciate the horrible But the problem that we see is think about the logistics of actually shooting that are you prepared to play that woman? I? Was born to play that woman No because you have a face so you know what I mean Don't you just go down the line of the budget and then you cross over and then there's money there from let me put it this Way, I was making notes about your script and I got to the part about the bear mauling the lady and then I just doodled Write a little fantasy guy riding a horse. That's how little we're gonna do that Like we're not gonna do that and you need to let go of that aspect.
Okay, we lose the bear Do what are we with the dogs? I'm okay with the dogs. I'm not great with the dog.
I would rather not have the dogs tortured either I'd rather not have any animal torture in this entire script if possible What farting on them is not like torture per se I'm sorry. I just wrote that in the mark. Okay, they are being very explicitly tortured, but could they fart also? I'm laughing like now thinking I don't do farts. You don't need to you're not gonna be in it My scripts will be absent of farts poops Pisses and dicks yeah, it's funny because the entire script kind of reminds me of just a big piece of shit or like a big dick that I have to hold on to and I don't want to hold on to it because it's it's a Dick and I have to We've gone into an unproductive area of conversation moving on I feel like There's some condensing that can be done throughout the middle beat because it's sort of I don't know it takes like a tangent and I get The joke, but it's like why are we here?
Why is the president here in the sketch? I mean, I thought we could get a name You know like a name to play the president. Oh, you make make our own celebrity No, I was thinking we could get like a Katy Perry type or But we're cracked so we're talking like I don't know who could we get The super of my building actually has been very good about being and stuff if we need him to right He used to do those commercials the local commercials for the mattress place. You know, okay But like I don't know if you're talking Katy Perry, I don't really think No, I mean we can't it doesn't have to be Katy Perry. It could be like Emma Stone I got a buddy Ricky who is a body on CSI we can get him We'll run the president thing by the editorial team.
Maybe it'll stay maybe it'll go I think the shape of the thing is good. I just feel like listen I would I would like to do ideally is just I mean bear with me. I really love everything and then I just like to Wait, is that four six that you just ripped out is that four and six Okay, real fast you're dissipating a work of art here, can you I've come in here willing to concede a lot of points here. But ultimately this is about me What a hit sketch that's a tight hit sketch all we have at this point is tits That is a hit sketch my friends, but the tits have to mean something This is such a boy, can I just say people warned me about cracked they told me they don't respect women They told me that if you're a woman and you go into that office, they're gonna shit all over your ideas People are talking about cracks like outs like people talk about us. Yeah. Yeah Awesome. All right at the risk of doing a little script origami here What about we lose four five six? But this one line about the gerbil. Boom right there on page one, right? Read that that way now I'm doing this because I love it. And I don't think that you understand What it means to be an artist? Because I'm page four when she starts her soliloquy again, that's exactly what she says You know, I take it back. She could play the lady who gets her face mauled off by a bear I'd be fine with that Hi there I've asked you to subscribe before and you have subscribed and in honor of that I want to now give you a gift.
I want to read you some of my erotica Raul took off his shirt in stables. His chest was banging. She looked at it and said Raul Your chest is banging Next he went for his pants. It was the button-down kind not the fly.
So it took a little longer than normal She sat and waited nay said the horse |
dropout | skeleton_comes_alive_prank_amazing_reactions | One, two, three. No! Let's roll that back. Oh Zetero, it's quite beautiful isn't it? Like the vine cooler exploded at the sorority house. Here he is demonstrating his patented dance move, the shriek and flee.
They are so scared that their hands seem to be glued to the Ouija board. And then they ask the Ouija board, did we pee?
Oh yes. Yes indeed.
Look at these magnificent curls, it would be quite a shame if they were thrown into disarray. Now watch as the hair has its own reaction. Here we see a red hair follicle in its natural habitat and it seems to be saying, I fucking hate skeletons.
This is our house of pain, jump around, jump around. Unvery courageous person here putting her arms right around the skeleton man. And there goes the courage right out the door. Unvery courageous eyes are scared of the skeleton man all being viciously attacked by that rat. Oh now they relive their fear. Why weren't you guys as scared as I was?
I don't know if I heard too much of the reaction. Today we have learned that an un-human realizes that an unstuffed person is not an unstuffed person but is indeed a person-person. The human says ahhh. Thank you for watching, and tune in next time to Slo-Mo Price Show! Hi, I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. Three years ago I had a happy normal life.
Now look at me, I'm lurking at the end of YouTube videos begging strangers for clicks. Just one click man, that's all I need. You can click over here to subscribe to our channel, or click over here to watch another video. Come on man, one click. That's all I need, just give me a click! Click here to watch more House of Horrors videos made at YouTube spaces around the world with legendary entertainment. |
CrackerMilk | best_of_the_crackermilk_podcast | Welcome back to another episode of The Cracker Milk. Don't you let him finish. Let him finish it.
Go. Why? Let's shrink down with our magical shrinking ray. Connor? Elias?
Let's go to medieval times. Should we take the time machine or the stairs? I'm going to take the stairs.
Me too. Hey, rugby league player for Queensland. Hey, God, he says all these and we had a good guy back there. The better. Thanks for doing me a service boys. I'll sign on me and he's got the ball.
No, knock on ref.
My name's Bessie Blow and I've got a big cunt. Do you mind if I sit next to you? Yeah, please. Let me get. Can I just get three glasses? I'd like five whiskers please.
Sorry, what was that? I'm just hard of hearing through the turbulence. Five scotch whiskers please. Sorry, what was that? It's just the turbulence is a bit louder. Five scotch whiskers.
I'm shooting. It's my shoot. I know you're shouting, but I just want to find out what he wants to drink. No, it's my shoot. Yes, I'm aware that you're shouting. I need to find out what this gentleman wants to drink and I'll get your face.
Fuck that. You'd be good lawyer. That's fine with me. I have the dragons on my side. I'll be bad lawyer. Wait, it's like good cop bad cop, but lawyers? Just like that. Except I'm a bad lawyer.
Oh, yeah. What's up, everybody? Who's that? Is that?
It's me, Willy Wonka. Do you notice anything suspicious about Willy Wonka? Well, it's just that he's moonwalking a lot.
Yeah. Shimona.
Sleep in my bed.
Willy, look at me. This is Judge Judy. 30-year-old Gaylord Elias DeWedgered is being sued by his ex-lover, Connor McBuff, for not getting on the beers. And this fuckhead comes in, says he's a designated...
No one's in the car, Your Honor. No one's in the car with him. Who's he driving around? Who's designated him as a driver if no one's in the car?
He could have caught an Uber. It's 12.50 from his place. It's only 12.50, Your Honor, and an Uber. Hey! Order!
Judge Judy Scheinlin is speaking and you're running your fucking mouth. How about you stop drinking Connor's beers? How about you stop talking over Judge Judy Scheinlin? And how about you stop fucking other men in fursuits? How about you just learn to relax and put a beer up your ass and let me suck it out of you?
Hi, I'm Stuart. It's just a bit difficult for me to get past the fact that you are clearly and always an anthropomorphic mouse. Do you think you'd bring any sort of assets to me?
Perhaps a small little red car? Look, the car's gone. I don't have the car anymore. It got towed away.
Because I was drink driving. We're just going to give you a pat down, mate. Do you have a belt on? Uh, yeah. Get your belt off. Do you have any other metal parts? Um, probably just my knee. Yeah, get that off. I can't. Mate, you're not getting on the trip unless you get with your fucking knee out.
Rich, we've got a 209. We've got a fucking 209.
All right, mate, I'm going to give you a pat down. And I'm just going to make sure you're all good, okay? Yeah.
Oh, oh, ah! Stop resisting! It's a procedure, sir. Stop resisting! Oh, no! Stop resisting!
It's a procedure, sir. This is a procedure. We are trained for this.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just going to give you a pat down. Maybe you need some help. Yeah, I think we need some help. Stop resisting!
Do you want to start it? I don't know how to start it. Can you start it? Do you want an intro?
Get out. But I haven't even fucked it up. Get out. If you sit in that fucking chair, if you sit in that chair, I will lose it, mate. Welcome back to the Cracking Wolf. Josh, can you shut the fuck up? We're filming a podcast. That's it. I've had enough. Get out! I wasn't even coughing. Get out! You fucking think Josh can cough while they're rolling? Get out! You're a shame on you, cunt. I spit on you and I spit on you, son. Get out of here. Get out.
You'll notice around my stables, there's no horses. Only me, horse boy.
Can we go find a horse for me to fuck? Get fucked. Comb. You'd like a horse so you can what, sorry? Comb. Comb it. You can fulfill your wildest dreams of being a Toy Story toy. Let me tell you.
Sheriff Wood, are you a cop? I'm not a cop, I'm a sheriff. I'm a toy sheriff. I ensure that other toys behave and the ones that don't are hung.
There's a, there's a, there's a. So bend the antenna. It's in the eyes. Now just bend the antenna back this way. Yeah, now bend it forward. Oh, strong signal. Oh, it's weak. Bend it back. Oh, it's strong. Get it forward.
Now do one and the other. Yeah, now nice and quick, guys. Get that signal working. There we go, boys. That's it.
In Byron, we don't know how to like read real well or like watch Channel 7. So like what we do is we get each other's palms out and we read what like uh, uh, life-threatening medical conditions everyone has. And that's like entertainment in Byron.
So, um, let me just have a look. What is it? Look, this line.
The next open cards you're going to open is the whole collection of Exodia. That is, you're like the chosen one, mate. I'm Yugi from Yugioh?
Oh, hang on. No, you got prostate cancer.
Sorry. Sorry, man. Got that one wrong. Sorry.
That's me slinky the dog. What's up? We got to find out what happened to Bo Peep, man. Fuck yeah. Bo Peep.
I mean, I just want to really know because like she's a fucking sick man. She's sick, huh, man?
What's your doggy nose smell? My fucking doggy nose smell? Can you smell her sheep?
I can smell some fucking shit in the air. That's right, man. I can fucking smell some dog shit on this thing going around down here, man. I may have shit myself. Slink. That might be overwhelming my smells. Slink, that's your ass you're smelling.
It's just next to you because there's a spring that's coiling around your body. So your ass is right next to your head.
Man. Fuck, I'm sorry, man. Fuck.
Look, do we have anything of Bo Peep's that I can fucking sniff? Maybe I can fucking track her down. So I've got this clump of bloody hair and I've also got a handkerchief covered in snot and blood as well. Anything else? Not just that. I'll fucking take that blood and piss and snot fucking handkerchief. I'll sniff that cock.
I just promise me you're not going to enjoy it. Yeah, all right. Give it here. I'm not a cop, but if I were a cop. Hey, that's enough. Hang on, Slink. That's enough. Slink. No, you don't do that anymore. You've had enough. Fuck, I'm just trying to... No, you've had enough. No, I'm just trying to fucking get the same man. This shit's overwhelming. This is too much. That's too much sense, Slink. One more here. One more fucking here and then I'll be good to go. That's enough.
Yeah, what's up? So... Who the fuck's Bo Peep, man?
Yeah, so I've got a joke for you straight from my joke book, okay? And I'm just going to deliver it to you here. I hope I laugh because then I'll be fixed.
You have MS. It's me, Dan Aykroyd. Oh, hey, Dan Aykroyd.
And look, look, it's Sigourney Weaver. Hey, was she in that movie? She was in the first Ghostbusters. Wow. Do you know who Sigourney Weaver is? Yeah, look, I just... Who is she? What's she been in? She's me. What has Sigourney Weaver been in?
Ghostbusters. What other films? Every other film.
You don't know who it is, do you? I don't know. I can't remember.
What's she in? I'm really bad at actor names. What is she in? She is in... Is she in the fucking...
That movie with the werewolves and the vampires? Not Twilight, like the vampire... What is it called? Underworld. No, she's not in Underworld. I'm thinking of someone else. Have you seen any movie with Sigourney Weaver? Yes. |
CrackerMilk | truth_or_dare_for_adults | So I found this article that was like how to subliminally tell him that he should propose to you. I know, it's amazing. Guys, I've got an idea.
Let's play truth or dare. Come on, come on, please, please, please. It was really fun when we used to do it. Yeah, okay, sure. You first, you first, you first, you first. You're good. Truth. No. Do dare, dare. Dare is fun. Truth is boring. You should do dare. Okay, dare. Let me think. I dare you to shit yourself. What?
I know it's gross. That's yucky. Hey, it's disgusting.
I hope you don't double dog dare me to do it because that means I would have to do it. And if I have to do it, I have to shit myself and I don't want to do that. So you should don't double dog dare me to do it because I'll have to do it. Elias, no one's going to do that.
It's disgusting. Lucky me.
All of those millions of views that we didn't get because it was stolen. If you want to help support us, please consider donating to our Patreon. That way, when those little ratty rat rats steal our videos, we can afford to make more. |
SaturdayNightLive | easter_cold_open_snl | Easter, the celebration of the rebirth of Christ. the bible tells us that three days after the crucifixion of Jesus, he rose from the dead. The first to witness this miracle were three women who had come to anoint the body of Jesus and tend to his tomb. this is the story of the Resurrection. This is it, the tomb where his body is laid.
Mother Mary, dry your tears. Mary and I are here to support you. Mary is right. Also, when we're done grieving, maybe we should come up with the girl's name other than Mary. What is that noise that comes from within? look, the stone, it rolls away. is it Jesus? Basically, yes. for everybody, as it was stated in the bible, guesses back, back again, Shady's bad. All right, girls, you can go. no more lines, you did great. bye-bye. get out of here. that's right, it's Easter, the time of year when I compare myself to Jesus Christ. that's just the thing I do now and people seem to be okay with it. I'm gonna keep doing it.
And if you think that this is a bad look, imagine how weird it would be if I started selling bibles. Well, I'm selling bibles. Look at this beautiful bible made from 100% bible. sounds like a joke and in many ways it is, but it's also very real. As you know, I love bible. it's my favorite book. I've definitely read it. my favorite part is probably the ending. now it all wraps up, but this is a very special bible and it can be yours for the high, high price of $60. but I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing this for the glory of God and for pandering and mostly for money. But it's so sad. religion and Christianity are totally gone from this country and we need them back. without religion, you don't have laws, you don't have mission trips. I'm told mission trips are a lot of fun. you go to Mexico, you build a house, maybe you make out with someone on the last night. then of course, it's back to Clearwater, Florida like it never happened. But you're going to love my new and I would say even better Bible. it comes with everything you like from bible, like the story of Easter, which primarily concerns Jesus, not so much the Bunny.
I kept waiting for the bunny to show up. you never showed it. that's okay. Now, my bible also includes some beautiful illustrations like Moses floating down the river in the basket and uh-oh, look out, here's Trump in the basket right behind Moses about to pass on the left. And here I am in the Garden of Eden with my actual body. You know, I think I'd be very good at saying no to the snake from the standpoint of not liking fruit. And here's Noah's Ark. all the animals are on the ark, of course. And there's me yelling at Noah, hey buddy, you forgot the raccoon.
But we love religion and we love God. he's probably the best part of the Holy Trinity. he's like the Beyonce, Cowboy Carter. God's the Beyonce, Jesus is the Kelly Rowland. and Holy Ghost would probably be the black Michelle Williams who's very important to a great number of people, almost as important as the white Michelle Williams is to white people. And we believe there was a fourth destiny child, but we'll be looking into that very strongly. we'll be looking into that very shortly.
Bills, Bills, Bills, that's a good one. I like that one. I'd love someone to pay mine.
Any takers? No? Well, back to my beautiful Bible, which also includes constitution and pledge of allegiance and I don't know, maybe Miranda rights, which means unfortunately we had to make some cuts. this bible will not feature Amos or Habakkuk. sorry, Habakkuk. but now I think it really cooks, it's tight. And if you order now, we'll also throw in a free Trump Miracle toaster. you know how sometimes weirdos see a picture of Jesus or something in their toast? Well, how about the miracle of Trump? And this is great, the other side does Hello Kitty. if you have a daughter or perhaps a son who's taking dance classes.
Anyway, it's Easter Eve. so let us bow our heads, I'm not going to, and say the Lord's Prayer, which we all know very well, me especially. Our father who are in Heaven, Our Lord, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, trespass, Daily Bread. And please lead us into temptation and pay our automobiles. in the name of the father, the son, and the Easter Bunny, Amen.
And live from New York, It's Saturday now! Yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! |
cracked | homeless_people_bother_me_people_watching_season_2_episode_3 | You look over there, making it look plausible. Oh, what's that? Pretending like I didn't notice him looking at me. Not admitting it. Keep on looking to the left like it's my thing. Looking left, nothing to do with him.
Oh, here we fucking go. Fuck off. I'm fucking broke and tired and stop fucking asking me. Do I have any change? Do I have any change, motherfucker? Fucking stop bothering everyone. What did I do? I cannot fucking stand having to encounter the same goddamn street person every goddamn day like a mental toll booth. I mean, for fuck's sakes.
My strategy is to only give money if they actually ask. Otherwise, I'd give away too much money. Oh, well, look at you. My strategy is to literally be poorer than them, yet I'm always the person they ask. Like how cats only like people who are allergic? I should ask street people for money. Or people, as they call themselves.
Whatever. Got any change? No. Change? No. Got any change?
No, do you? No, that's why I'm asking. Well, you know what?
I've been a loser with no jobs sitting around wondering why I have no money, and it's because you don't fucking understand how hard everyone is working. Even being as big a failure as me is like 60 hours a fucking week. So I just do not have the patience for anyone who won't put in the time. Why are you so mad? Because I work my ass off and then I can't even walk down the street without being made to feel all uncomfortable. Like I'm not giving enough. The same guy every day. You're too lazy to work, fine, but don't fucking ask me for money, and then five minutes later, I probably see you in an episode of Cops trying to steal a fire hydrant in your underwear.
Sure. I don't know if it's totally like that. I mean, did you ever have a coworker who was lazy? You mean fucking all of them? Yeah, well, whatever.
I'm too tired to be intellectually consistent right now, and I'm too horny to be single, and I'm too angry that I have to work at 6 fucking a.m., and it's already midnight. I swear to God, I can't even remember what this city looks like in the daytime. I know, me too.
Why? Because you sleep till 5 p.m., and then toboggan down the stairs to the comedy club?
Get a job. Hey, I've said it before. The difference between me and the homeless is my parents' money. Yeah, and your attitude where you're not a fucking druggy idiot.
Got any change? No. Got any change? No. Got any change?
No, why do you have to sit here every day? Why do you have to bother people? Everyone else is working really hard at bullshit jobs. We will literally hire anyone who can put on a hat, so why the fuck do you live in the street?
Because whatever would have to happen for you to live in the street is probably what happened to me. Probably. Well, the fucking law would have to happen. Do you have any idea how much it would take for me to lose all my fucking self-esteem and hope? Yeah, pretty much. Fuck, whatever.
Hey, we're all learning, sister. Yeah, well, at least I have a fucking job, all right?
Fuck, that guy up the street is the worst. What guy? Up the street. I don't know, I drive here.
You're a real shoulder to cry on there, Becky. Hey, what's good today?
No, dude, I told you to never visit me here. Oh, whatever, you think I never worked in fast food? Not when you were my age, you didn't. Please don't look at me.
You probably make twice the money I do, you know. Yeah, well, good for me.
Jeez, are you gonna die on me here? Sorry, I'm just seriously uncomfortable right now. Can you please just go?
I guess. All right, see you tonight? Yeah, fine, tonight, bye.
Hey, place next door is gone, eh? Oh God, it's you. What? Not asking for money. Place next door, out of business. The hipster greeting card place? Sign just says gone fishing or whatever.
Nah, I see that shit all year. In business one day, vanish the next. Sign's just them trying to ignore the reality of it. Life edge in this city, eh? You just stare, wondering what happened at the minute. Sounds about right, actually. I fucking hate this city. Every store or restaurant I like, suddenly they're not open on a Monday and you assume they'll be back the next day, but they're just fucking gone. Yeah, I hate change. Not the money kind, the other kind.
Man, you know, exactly. I can remember being like 10 years old and actively wishing everything would just freeze the way it was forever, but it only seemed to work on my boobs in social life. I for sure did that too. Talking to whatever an eight year old thinks God is, going like, just make everything like the Simpsons repeat the same year forever. Man, that's, yeah, like exactly.
And then you grow up and it's just constantly the opposite. You find things and you weave them into your view of the world, even though you know how fast things can go south. And then one day there's just a sign and no lights on. And you know that when anything disappears in this fucking city, it's gone forever.
Fucking A. Sorry, I gotta get home here. Bye. God bless you, sister. Anything else? No, thank you.
You know, you should really convert your dining room to Parisian seating. Do you know Parisian seating? It's an al fresco seating style that maximizes usage of space.
You could easily increase your capacity by 30 or 40%. Yeah, well, when they start paying me enough to bring my brain with me to work, I'll be sure to mention it. So that comes to $7.63. Here you are. Oh, we can't actually accept hundreds. Do you have any change?
Indeed, I do not. Yeah, no one ever does.
Nice outfit, eh? That's all, just nice outfit.
Yeah, it is actually. I literally sleep in this.
I don't get the whole thing of owning 900 different outfits. Plus, these pants are impossible to get off anyway. I like that. Yeah, well, you can fucking make your perverted comments, but you never wore tight pants before. There's no going back. I go out in sweatpants and I'm constantly looking down to make sure I got dressed before I left the house. Because you can't even feel them. My work uniform? Fucking giant clown pants and those shirts that are too lame to even be golf shirts.
I mean, holy shit. I'm sorry for the comments. I seen you in work, please. You look normal to me. Well, I don't feel normal.
Never get a job. I swear to God, it's just a comprehensive fucking inversion of everything you hold dear, just for its own sake. Finally, someone telling me not to get a job. Dude, people tell me to get a job while I'm at work. No, I meant a real job, like the real kind. Okay, I will.
And then it's, oh, but why not the corner office? Why haven't you been promoted? Oh, you're writing for a TV show? Why not your own show? Why are you working for someone else? Why are you just the vice president?
Fucking get a job. Where's it end? Why do you keep looking at your pants? Because go clean out the stock room. God, what'd I do?
Hey, sister, you got a cup? Not even change, just a cup? Sure, it tastes like shit anyway. Or do you want this? It's just cola. Nah, it's cool.
I know I'm not supposed to have preferences, but I only like diet. Regular's too sweet. I wish I was too sweet. Fuck it.
Hi, it's Martha, by the way. Call me George. Hey, George and Martha.
Nice one, eh? Nice.
Where's your cup, George? Dude, step down my cup.
He's just all mad out of nowhere. I'm sick of you, ma'am. Really? That's fucking bullshit. Punk kids or what?
Nah, bigger dude that goes past every day. He's like, man, sit somewhere else. In England, they put out spikes. Huh, I feel like I've heard that before from someone. Someone stupid. Guy makes me so damn uncomfortable, you know? Can't even just sit here. Fuck, was it like a super, super greasy middle aged guy who looks so much like Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons that there has to be plastic surgery involved?
Yeah, man. Fucking Quimby. Dude, that's the fucking general manager at my store. It's absolute bullshit putting up with that guy. Hi, I literally watch porn on my phone at work. I literally am that person. Me, I'm the fucking Batman of running a drive through and then you get your employee evaluation back and he makes up some fake things so he can only give you a 25 cent raise. Gave me a quarter once. Probably trying to get rid of you too. Fucking Quimby. Hate dealing with that guy, man. Fucking A. Just the usual for me.
You know what? Could I actually get a number three to go as well? Diet Coke. Um, what button's the addition thing again? It's the, uh, yeah, right there. Sorry, I know I suck at this. It's fine.
We're all learning, sister. Oh, would you carry me to that old oak tree down by? We all think we know how we feel about everything. I know I sure do. We've all accepted the same narrative and we assume it's the right one.
But if there's one lesson I've learned in this city, it's that the only narrative is your own. And if there's another lesson, it's that if you think a person's continual presence bothers you, well, it's probably nothing compared to how bothered you'll be by their continual absence.
Cowboys and Indians are fighting in the streets. |
cracked | unbreakable_kimmy_schmidt_reaction_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another we've had a lot of guests the past few weeks But today it's just me and my reaction to Netflix because my mom and dad keep telling me you gotta watch Tina Fey's new show Right now not to brag, but I met Tina Fey once going in blind I'm just gonna fire up the link here and respond to the fun. You'll see it all See as soon as this loads you will see the fun It's weird Obviously, I'm happy in my own head. I don't I don't need you know entertainment to Pull me away. This is a teachable moment. I think about patience. It's mental free time to think about your life and your Blessings you guys do not know how much of a blessing it has been to be able to talk to you guys every week for six Months, I can't even believe I live in LA, you know, I still feel like I'm some Midwestern kid I mean sure I lived in New York before I lived here.
I was working this terrible assistant job. I had a terrible apartment I had an artist for a roommate. I had this weird landlord He was straight out of Annie Hall and you learn about life, you know Like you have your first kiss and your first drink you fall in love You have your backpack stolen, but I got back up. I faced down my past. I learned about the world I discovered myself I went on to complete the numerous surgeries and hormone replacement therapies that allow me to live fully as a man I even did something that's actually weird and dyed my red hair blonde, which was good.
Oh, hey. Hey, here we go It's done loading. I don't know what will happen, but we are live damn it. And here comes episode one of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt what guys? Thank you so much for watching this show and and and not Watching Netflix and Tina. I opened up to you in confidence You guys this week's music other than the TV theme is by Chris Richard Beal You can find more of his stuff at soundcloud.com slash Chris dash Richard dash Beal really appreciate his help with it He wrote in at new guy weekly at gmail.com and offered as far as you guys Thank you so much for already subscribing to this channel. And if you don't already Why not join the team? I'll smile bigger if I have to Nope too big |
dropout | owen_robinson_on_bill_spaceman_lee | Hello, and welcome to Rav's Hall of Fame, where every time we have a guest who tries to convince me that their underrated favorites should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Owen Robinson, good friend Owen Robinson.
Just as a reminder, if you're watching this on CH2, what are you doing? Subscribe to Dropout, you could have been seeing this already. This has already been on Dropout for some time. So please head on over to Dropout where you have a bunch of different series and you can see stuff like this earlier.
Now, Owen, you are a big baseball guy. I am.
And I know this because we used to be on a sketch team, Redford, the very famous Redford sketch team. As you all know, the write-ups written up all over LA. Yeah, Raf and I, we're good buddies. And you've done stuff for College Humor before.
I do, yeah. We have a series coming, Unmade. Yeah. Well, yeah.
I wrote it. I directed it. I star in it. No, I just am into it.
You wear a lot of hats. I wear a lot of hats.
Yeah, this is the big, you know, CH family. Yes. Now, you, the person that you have come in to discuss is very apropos for you because they are apropos. Okay.
It is a, it is a baseball person. Left-handed pitcher, by the way. Are you left-handed? No way. Yeah. It was a left-handed pitcher in high school.
You never told me this.
Yeah. Interesting. Here we go. Very apropos. I know. This is what it's going to be. It changes everything. It's like a one-two, you know. I've got to unveil my secrets here, you know? Yeah.
It's a baseball player, but also a drug-friendly person. You have a knowledge of drugs.
Okay. Yeah, yeah. This goes together quite nicely. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's quite a build-up. I appreciate that.
Yeah, I've experimented a little bit, although now I don't know why the world thinks I'm like a big druggy or anything like that. The world thinks this? I mean, the world is watching. High world. Yes.
Yeah, Bill Spaceman Lee. Bill Spaceman Lee.
Is who we're going to talk about today.
We each have our notepads, you know, to kind of go back and forth. Why did you look at, are you just watching Facebook or something? I'm like, I have notes. And you're like, man, I don't have notes.
Yeah. You're just Googling. Yeah. What are you doing right now? I have all of Google at my fingertips. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yes, I have written nothing down. Yeah, good.
Well, I'm locked and loaded here, baby.
So Bill Spaceman Lee was a pitcher for the Red Sox from 69 to 79.
Whoa.
No, like 78, I think. Okay, that feels like a long time. But for baseball, I guess you can play it. I mean, it's eight or nine years with a team. Before a pitcher, that feels like a long time.
Yeah. I mean, I guess it's generally kind of like a long time. Yeah. Um, but one of his, you know, he's kind of this like oddball kind of like interesting dude. Yeah.
And it came around a time where it wasn't for pitchers to be like doing like we talked about like doing like yoga, you know, we talked about what he was like, we don't talk before the show. He was like the first person to like smoke weed.
Yeah. Well, publicly. Yeah, publicly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To have it publicly be known that they, yeah, yeah, partook in.
Like he had said in a statement that he put weed on his pancakes. And that was one of the reasons why like the San Diego Padres owner Joan Kroc wouldn't allow him to come to the Padres later in his career because she was afraid, you know, he was like smoking weed all the time and stuff. That's unbelievable. Uh, also I, the sprinkling weed on pancakes, one, I don't know how well that would taste. It feels like it's like it would be too crunchy. It's an odd statement.
I guess it could feel like coconut or something like that. But the reason why I had coconut and why that's terrible, because every time you eat a coconut or like if you had weed on your pancakes, it's all day of just doing like, you know what I'm saying? Like just like trying to get coconut or weed out of your teeth.
See, you know a lot about drugs.
I'm just saying I know the concept, I know the concept of, you know, yeah, yeah. But uh, you, you also, I don't understand how you would get it to, cause he says sprinkle on it. Yeah.
In order to get high, it has to reach a certain temperature, right? In order to get the effects of the drugs, um, I think he's already high when he's making it.
Yeah, I don't know. Cause you can't just bite off a marijuana flower and then get high from it that way. I mean, I have no clue about that. I mean, I love the pitch about that I'm really, I'm not, but I do think this feels like an experiment that needs to happen in the next episode. So if anybody's got weed, we'll just start crunching weed and see what happens.
Okay. All right.
So he's crunching, uh, weed on his pancakes.
That gets him in trouble with San Diego later on. How does he leave Boston? Well, he leaves, he leaves Boston because, uh, Don Zimmer at the time, do you remember Don, you know, Don Zimmer, like five foot tall Don Zimmer, scrappy bulldog. He's the guy with the Dodgers.
No. Okay. I'm thinking. Um, he's the guy that Pedro Martinez knocked down old school, pretty awesome Don Zimmer. Yes. I do remember this guy. Yeah. He wasn't rushing the mound, but he was coming, he was walking towards the mound and Pedro Martinez just like knocked it down. And I want a little, and here's my public formed event, I want a little sidebar and just this quick little fight here because when that happened, that was like a big thing. Yes.
It was a big deal. The, the yanks, he's so old.
Yes. However, what people don't realize, Don Zimmer is a pit bull. Yeah. You know, I mean, he would kill you. So it wasn't like, like Pedro Martinez was walking by some like old man in a park bench and all the ground. Right. That's true. Don Zimmer is, is ready to fight. He's probably the only eight year old man at the time who could like kick your ass. So I mean, if you saw Don Zimmer coming by you, it's, it's the, it's a rabid dog. You know, he's got to do what he's got to do, you know? So that's my side note on Don Zimmer, respect to Don Zimmer. Yeah.
So Don Zimmer is this old school kind of baseball guy, you know, kind of conservative, came from that generation. Bill Lee was kind of this, you know, long haired, full beard, kind of hippie, talking about, you know, weed on his pancakes and talking about, you know, doing yoga and all this kind of stuff.
Back to the. See, that's right. At the time period where we're at, doing yoga. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Crazy. It's a huge scandal.
You know, because everybody, because now all the players do yoga and they all live in these, you know, eat granola bars and eat, sleep in these chambers. Yes. Back in the day, like post game, it was just like a pack of Marlboro's and a Twelver. You know what I mean? That was like, that was the post. These are athletes. Yeah. I mean, that's what I talk about. Like with Tom Brady now, it's like everyone keeps, if we hear 40 year old Tom Brady one more time, you know what I'm saying? Tom Brady eats like avocado ice cream and like Giselle blows feathers in his ears when he sleeps or something. You know, back in those days, yeah, it was literally just like tall boys all day long, you know, has as many cigarettes as you can smoke post game. Yeah. And like someone throws like an ice cube at you or something to feel better.
No, I'm not going to say that. What? No, no. Never mind.
Let's keep going. Get back to the good old days.
Yeah. So, so Bill Spaceman Lee and Don Zimmer would get in these kind of big brawls, I think, not, not brawls, but just kind of like, you know, Don, he didn't, he didn't like this kind of like hippie attitude. Yeah. They had all the locations. Yeah. This kind of hippie attitude and all this kind of stuff. And then so when the Yankees were playing the Red Sox in the World Series and like, I think it was 76 or 75, Zimmer refused to pitch Billy and, and kind of had like a little bit of like a vendetta against him. Right. Yeah. And then Billy got traded to the Montreal Expos. Wow. Yeah. Okay.
Which is not even a team anymore. No. Who are now the Washington Nationals.
Yeah.
So from 79 to 82, then Billy went and pitched for the Montreal Expos.
He was exiled. They kicked him out of the country.
Basically. Yeah. Basically. The only place that would take him. Yeah. Oh, Canada. You know, but they, but he said he fit in a little bit more in that environment. Right. That makes sense. Because it's a little bit more of like a European community and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Okay.
Exile is kind of cool. We'll put that in the, in the exile category. So that's one. Here's an exile.
Yeah. We'll mark it on the list. Yeah.
But here's the thing. Here's why I pitched you. So we have this Bill Spaceman Lee. Right. We have all this, you know, he's, he's a real original, a real character.
Yeah. Of the game. But he also holds the most wins by left-handed pitcher in Red Sox history, 321. That's crazy. I know. And he won, according to my data and data, I use the term loosely, won 17 games, three years in a row in Boston. Nice. Yeah. Wait. That's impressive. Won 17 games, three games in a row for Boston. What? Yeah.
Wait, hold on. Hold on. Wait, let me hold on.
They won't have any glasses.
Let me look into my data here.
Yeah. Won 17 games, three years in a row for Boston. The original statement was correct. Yeah. That sounded right. Yeah.
He went with it. He went back and made it.
Yeah, I know. Sorry. This is a court of law, correct? Yeah. I'm on the stand. Also. Oh, you know what I do want to get into? What's that? Looking at my data again. Yeah. They used to do these cocaine relay races. Wait a minute. Yeah. Sorry. That's like a bit of a bump up from, from weed. Okay. Let me just. Who is that? Yeah.
This is called a heightened. So basically him and like these boss, so to get it, this actually goes back to Zimmer. So they started this, this group called, I think they were called the Buffalo herd or the Buffalo guys.
Where was this? This is in Boston.
So it was basically these got this, like this like five guys on the team got together and decided they were going to be the guys that like stayed out late and partied and like smoked weed. And it was also like the middle seventies, like, you know, so cocaine became a big thing. So basically what they were saying that they would do is they would like go to a bar, go to someone's house and line up all this cocaine on a table and do like a relay race where someone would like take the dog.
You might need this a little closer. Somebody would take the dollar.
Okay. Yeah. You would to get their full cocaine effect in here. Yeah. Sorry.
So somebody would take the dollar and then they would, they would snort the cocaine and then pass it to the other person on this line. And that would be like a cocaine relay race.
Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.
It means, but he's the only person who gets in trouble. No one got in trouble for it.
I mean, it was just lore at this, you know, I mean, this is like the mid seventies. Right. Yeah.
They weren't doing like any type of drug testing or anything like that.
My God.
Yeah. You know what? So this is, this is the thing that drugs have been in sports, particularly baseball. Yeah. For forever. Yeah. People know that. I mean, the Red Sox got in trouble five, four or five years ago because it was rumored they were like drinking beer in the clubhouse, like during a game. Right. And like drinking beer in like the bullpen during a game. Yeah. Like they did during a game. Babe Ruth was on amphetamines or whatever. Oh yeah. Like Mickey Mantle is like one of the biggest like alcoholics of all time. Yeah. So it's always been a thing. Yeah. But there's been, yeah, they haven't been testing for it or they choose like who they get upset about. Yeah.
Do you remember Steve Howe? No. He's like an early eighties.
He was like baseball player and had gotten kicked out of the league like six or seven times for doing cocaine. It was like doing cocaine, like the Dodgers bullpen and stuff.
I like that they kept bringing them back.
Yeah. That's the point for Steve. Yeah. Good job. Steve Howe. Yeah. Another thing that fascinates me about this is that pitchers specifically seem to be one like the one position in all of sports that attracts the most eccentric types. Yeah. I would agree with that. It's like when you watch chefs table and you're like, wow, they're crazy. Yeah. That's kind of like a tattoo of a pig on their arm. Yeah. It's like a bunch of it's beyond superstition. Yeah.
Uh, and they all like have their, their own like artistic, I don't know. They like put, it's like art to them.
Yeah. Well, remember Brian, uh, who's the Giants pitcher? Brian Nelson. Yeah. You know, with the big beard and like all this like gone, I mean, that probably starts from like, even like into like major league with like Charlie Shane and you know, like the big, like crazy relief pitcher and stuff. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I mean, Bill Spaceman Lee definitely was like one of those guys that like fits into that category. Sure.
So he goes to the Expos. Now, how does his career work out there?
Not great. He did so well. Yeah. Not great. He did so well in Boston. And now you're telling me that it drops off a little bit. His performance.
Well, I mean, I, you know, I think we, here's, here's what happened.
So when he's in Boston, he's pitching on the mound. He's pitching, you know, as a start one day, Carlton Fisk is behind the plate. Lou Penella is on the Yankees at that point. They're pitching against the Yankees.
They have this big brawl. Penella slides home. He spikes Carlton Fisk. Huge brawl.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
And gets Billy in a headlock and slams him into the ground.
Oh, that's on his pitching shoulder. Whoa. Yeah. So the brawl happens and you can see in the fight, like Billy gets up and his arm is just like totally numb. Oh. Yeah.
It's just like it's located. Oh, it's like it's dislocated. It's dead. It's just like totally numb and all that.
Yeah. So that was in Boston. Right.
And that really kind of affected his career. You know, I mean, nowadays I don't think players in a fight would. Try to actively kind of do something to like damage another person's career.
Yeah. But in the 70s, apparently that's grown out pretty fast. Apparently that's cool. Yeah.
Because he just piled drive him right into the ground.
Right. On his pitching shoulder. Right. Well, here's the thing.
I don't know if you know this about me. Well, of course you would know because we have known each other for a while. I am very strong.
Yeah. Here's the thing. Yeah. His Hulk like. Yeah. And that was the first thing I would have said to you when you're like, do you know this about me? Strong would have been number one. Yeah. Of course. Thank you. Like me with drugs, strong would have been number one. Yeah. Okay.
So for me, I don't know what kind of this goes into to allow someone else to murder your arm. I think that's that's that's a point. I mean, he didn't go. I mean, I don't think I don't think that's like the clinical term either of like murder your arm. You know, I don't think Billy.
I mean, he was close. Billy dig it off the mound.
Go like, you know, you murdered my arm. I don't know if you know this about me, but here's the thing. You're like the murder of all arms.
Yeah. Um, you can't call it murder if it's justified. Uh, that's true. Yeah. So, okay.
So he's in, he's in Montreal. He gets hurt.
Because there's art. No, there's art.
He was hurt in Boston. Oh, this happened in Boston.
Yeah. Okay. So he was hurt. And then, you know, he's having this kind of issues with Don Zimmer and all of this stuff. So then basically, so this is the good, the good thing also about Billy. Which kind of like, so one of his, uh, he got really upset because they traded one of the person, uh, one of his buddies in Boston. Yes. And this happened again in Montreal. So Billy is also this kind of guy who like loves to like stand up, you know, for his teammates and all that kind of stuff. Right. He stood up for his teammate that he felt they had done wrong by him. Yes.
And so he got into it with a little bit of like Boston management and he got into it with Don Zimmer again. And so basically they were like, you know, we're just going to trade you the expos. And then he gets to the expos and his career isn't what it once was because his arm got so messed up by that, uh, Yankee brawl. Um, so then they try to trade, uh, or release one of his buddies in Montreal and Billy has, has had it.
Right. So Billy was supposed to pitch that day, tells them, walks out of the clubhouse, goes to a bar. Yeah. And gets drunk. Okay. And comes back and tell, and then everybody next was like, you're too drunk to pitch. Right. And then like shortly after that he is released.
Oh yeah. Yeah. That's suspicious. I think it was because of that. Showing up drunk to work. Yeah. Could have been. Yeah. Hammered to work. Yeah. That's a little bit frowned upon even in the seventies. Um, wow. Okay.
So, so that's kind of like the Billy story a little bit, you know, and so then post, post major leagues, he's now doing all this work, uh, you know, he does this, uh, baseball league in Cuba and he's a real kind of like international baseball man now. Right. You know, like he goes to these countries, whether it's like Dominican public or Cuba, where he will play baseball and, and, you know, have these kind of, uh, international friendly games and all this kind of stuff.
So Billy is still looked at as, you know, as this kind of, uh, you know, interesting character in, in baseball, you know, and so they called, so we should get to why they called him the spaceman. Why did they call him the spaceman? So they called him the spaceman because he had a pitch, which is called, I guess, in, in baseball terminology, the Eephus pitch.
Eephus sounds like an old man. It's Greek for nothing, meaning it's nothing.
Oh. So it just kind of like this like junk ball kind of like slow curving pitch that goes to the plate at like 50 miles an hour. Right. So it's a real kind of like junky kind of pitch. Tricky. Deceitful.
And so apparently there's many nicknames for it. Eephus is like the number one and he got, and he's called the spaceman because it felt like a space ball coming in from the map.
Right. Something from another world from outer space. Yeah, I got it. Well, the thing of standing up for the teammates and he did that twice. Yes.
With, with his neck on the line and none of the baseball teams have lots of players.
They do. They have, I don't know.
It's like 30 people on the roster and he was the only one that stood up for his teammate both those times.
That will put in, I guess we'll call it wokeness. We'll put that in the wokeness category.
Billy was the first player, was the first player, a baseball player to really be, you know, you could say, yeah, was a real, was a real woke player before his time.
Right. Don't say that.
I feel like it comes good out of my mouth. It feels right, you know?
And if there's anybody that should be talking about wokeness, it's me. I mean, there's nobody more woke than him.
That's true. Okay. This is great. I do. I mean, I am in, I am enjoying learning about this person. So you have the right now I'm, I'm, I have positive feelings towards it. Now his career ends prematurely, maybe, or at least he considers it to be premature. Well, I mean, I think he feels like he can still go on. Yeah.
I mean, he has bad knees, the arm really kind of killed him. But I also think like, Bill Lee kind of, you know, went into the cornfield, if you will, you know, field of dreams reference, where he just kind of like, he's one of these journeymen baseball players that just kind of like disappeared into thin air, you know, he's a, he's a real treasure of the game, but you got to, you got to dig for it a little bit, you know. Now, so here we are at a low point of this man's story.
Everybody knows you're not defined by your failures. You're defined by your comebacks.
Does he have a what? So what does he do? Does he reinvent himself after because he basically gets blackballed. Right? Basically, yeah, basically he gets blackballed.
And after that, you know, he started dabbling into politics. Fantastic. Now, after everything that we know about Billy and Bill's Spaceman Lee, of course, he gets to know he basically in 1988, I believe it is, he becomes a right in a right in candidate.
And running on the no guns, no butter, both will kill you. That was his motto. No butter, no butter, no guns, both will kill you.
Bill Spaceman Lee, everybody, you know, and he's not wrong. No, he's not wrong at all.
You know, did it really gain as much traction in the country as you think? Did it? It did not.
We're not referring to President Bill Spaceman Lee right now.
Maybe. You know, so he was basically a right in candidate. And then he did that a few other times. And I think it was never really like a serious, like political, you know, you know, a political endeavor. I think it was just something to once again kind of throw a wrench into the the norms of society at that point.
He's a shit stirrer. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He's a pot stirrer. He's a shit stirrer.
You know, Billy's the kind of guy. Yeah. That will that wants to, you know, see the norm kind of shifted and all that kind of stuff. Cool, dude. Well, he's done many things. Yeah. He's a jack of all trades, master of one. Yeah. Don't steal that. That's mine. Yeah.
I love that quote. T-shirt that says that.
Definitely a Hall of Fame caliber personality. Yes. Personality. Yes.
In the annals of baseball, you know, he's somebody that I didn't know a ton about. You didn't know a ton about.
No.
But Billy is definitely the type of guy who we should remember and revere. And he is in the Red Sox Hall of Fame.
Oh, no kidding. Yeah. So the Red Sox, because of his nine-year stint, because of his 321 wins as a Southpaw, is in the Red Sox Hall of Fame. So they love him. Yeah. They. Yeah. But Boston, I don't know. That might be a more against. Yeah. I mean, you know, I don't. Boston really loves. Yeah. I'm not sure.
It's Red Sox Hall of Fame is Billy and a can of Budweiser.
So they're both in the... Sorry, Boston. Well, yeah. Boston's fine. It just... It's me that's the issue. So the city of Boston's great. It's when Raph goes there, it's when all help makes sense. He's the problem in Boston.
What do you think it is about pitchers or pitching that attracts this eccentric type of artistic person? What do you think that is? There's two things.
It's one, very rarely do jobs exist in life as a starting pitcher where you can work one out of five days a week. Okay. You can grow like a dope beard. You can smoke weed, do your drugs. Secondly, as a relief pitcher, there's very few jobs on planet Earth where you only have to work like 20 minutes out of your day.
If that. If they call you. Yeah, yeah. If they call you. Exactly.
So a baseball, what's great about baseball is that the only sports you see people actively eating.
Oh. You know what I'm saying?
The amount of sunflower seeds that are consumed in a bullpen or in a dugout during a game is really unfathomable. Or even just in the outfield. The amount of salt, the amount of everything.
So I think that, you know, as a regular baseball player, first base, second base, third base, you have to play every day. You kind of have to keep in shape. Whereas a pitcher, you're working one out of five days a week.
And then as a relief pitcher, 20, 30 minutes tops if they call, if they punch your card. You know, I mean, I don't even know how it works in a bullpen if they just kind of like duck when they see the manager looking, if they don't want to work that day or kind of like point to like the guy next to him, you know, so you can grow a full beard. You can probably like, you know, have a couple of beers cracked, you know, left and right or whatever. So I think that's what that's what lends itself to having these kind of like odd ball dudes that have to like occupy their time when they're not fully invested in a baseball game.
That is an excellent point. I had never thought about that before. And I don't know if you know this about me.
Yeah. Number one strong. Number one. Yeah. Number two record in Boston. Yeah.
Number three lover of Nancy Meyers movies.
Murder's arms.
Yeah. I guess you could you could love that with the strong but I also am a lover of art. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And the artistic personnel. Yeah. I just think it's interesting. Yeah.
All those photos on your Instagram review with the Louvre. I loved all of those.
Yeah. If you don't go to the MoMA once a day your day shot. Yeah. I know that about you. Yeah. What time is it? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. So I am ready with my verdict. Okay. Yeah. Here we go.
What do you think? I think Hall of Fame. Oh, do you?
Yeah. I'm just throwing my opinion out there. I'm going to circle Hall of Fame on my side. Yeah. All right. Here's what I say about this. Bill Spaceland Lee is in my Hall of Fame. Yay. We did it, Bill. Wow. Wonderful. Yeah.
We spared no expense.
Wow. Very nice.
Yeah. Let's see if there is an audience just over there. Hi, everybody. Hi. Okay.
Thank you so much for watching, for listening. Again, if you're watching this on CH2, get on over to Dropout. We have plenty of series, and this has already been released there for some time. Thank you so much for watching, and hope you come back.
Uh-huh. I had to do the same thing. |
dropout | the_bad_breath_holdout_sponsored | I'm like, I'm Eugene, and this is an angry, screaming, glazed monkey. Oh, glazed monkey, you're like a donut.
And here we are on Will It Kill It? Today's Will It Kill It Challenge is the Bad Breath Holdout. We'll stand over here at the Bad Breath table. Bye. And you will taste a variety of nasty foods. Then you're going to breathe them into your partner's face.
And whoever can hold out the longest is going to get a ride on the beautiful carousel of glory. Carousel of glory.
We have a professional food presenter. Meet him for the first time. Guys, please welcome Tim. All right, it's a tattoo. You like him? Fantastic. Well, in order to get this game going, all we need now is our contestants. This man right here. Yeah, all right.
Sir, you in the back, gentlemen, come on up. All right, you back there, come on up. His hand jumped up. How about you right back there?
Give him a round of applause, please. Round of applause for our contestants.
Our men will be doing the eating. And the ladies will be doing the smelling of the breath. The rules for this are you have to chew the food and swallow it. And if at any point you spit it out, you and your partner are out. So you're going to chew until we tell you to stop, at which point you swallow, and you're going to breathe into your partner's nose. As long as you withstand the smell, you will continue on to the next round.
The second that you're not able to withstand the round, you are out. And then you would have to take the escalator. Of shame. We're going to be going here with round one, beef tongue. Beef tongue. Get even closer together. There we go. Like you're about to give CPR to a nose. Steve, you're a real jerk. Steve is out already. All right. The escalator of shame. We're going on to our Scottish friend, Haggis. Oh, he went in with just his mouth. Oh, sorry, Suddy.
You and the lizards are out. Go ahead and take a couple of these. Let's treat them in pocket packs as well. Sardines.
Bad. How's your breath? Garbage dumpy? Awful.
You might want one of these. Take one. Refresh yourself with it. How does your breath feel now? Minty. Congratulations.
You're going on to the final round. To the final round. Round four.
The worst fruit in the world, the durian. It is banned on the Singapore subway, and that is completely true.
Oh, my God. Look at that. There's still some on your fingers. You got a little bit on your lips. Oh! Oh, my God!
We got a gag!
Oh, my God. That was the worst I could ever have. How was that?
Guys, we have our winners! You guys have tasted a lot of bad flavors. Gotten a lot of bad mouth smells out of your mouths. But what we're going to be doing now is we're going to be tasting everything at once. All of the lovely things. Got some water.
Oh! Yeah! There we go. That's me, Jordan. Wow!
Jordan, how do you feel about this at this point in the competition? Not so confident. Okay. Aaron, how are you feeling? Not so good. Okay.
Keep it in your mouth. What a slow burn. You guys have it.
Wow!
You can swallow it.
Oh, yeah! Three, two, one. Yay! Okay. All right. It does. It does, right?
What did that smell like, Catherine? What was that like?
Unscrivable. It's the worst thing on the planet. Why did Earth is made up of a lot of messed up things? That was the worst. And if this is the worst, life isn't that bad.
We all learned something today. Let's bring these two over to the carousel of glory! Well, that was an excellent Will It Kill It challenge. It sure was. Oh, man. What did you learn today, Eugene?
I learned that if you use a blender, it makes things worse. Way worse.
Tim, how about yourself? What did you learn? The best lesson of them all. |
TheOnion | World_s_Youngest_Person_Born | A cute couple is on the same anti-depressant, KY introduces a new line of jam, and the world's youngest person is born. One day somebody ought to take a torch to this whole goddamn place, but for now here is the Onion Week in Review. Thousands of outraged meth addicts urged the federal government this week to address the nation's growing spider epidemic. During a marathon 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt Bridge Monday, tweakers from across the nation drafted a 45,000-word proposal to kill all the acid-shooting spiders before they developed the powers of mind control or, God forbid, flight. While a gigantic spider bomb is not out of the question, the addicts have agreed that the best temporary solution would be for the government to issue them large quantities of methamphetamine and steel wool.
In Ithaca, New York, a local daddy, Howard Lewis, was put in his bye-bye box Tuesday so that he could go on a long vacation with the birds and clouds in the sky. The daddy, who was once tall and strong and liked going to the hospital to play with their fun machines, was reportedly put in the bye-bye box after weeks of being sleepy all the time and never finishing his din-din. By Tuesday, lots of family had come in from all over to watch daddy get dropped inside a cool underground fort full of dirt and sand, where he'll be tonight instead of being home to play shoots and letters.
A report by Stanford University researchers released Thursday found that Americans spend 90 percent of their waking hours staring at glowing rectangles. Researchers identified more than 30 varieties of iridescent rectangles, ranging from personal and work rectangles to rectangles that heat food and those that can fit right in one's pocket. From the moment Americans wake up, they are captivated by these bright, pulsing rectangles. In fact, if you look at the data, it's hard to find a single minute when the public isn't captivated by these, excuse me, I'm sorry, where were we? In local news, a run-over squirrel is remembered as frantic and indecisive. And in other news, a trail of rose petals leads a wife to a sink full of dishes. Prince Fielder reports to spring training exactly the right amount overweight, and a local yard sale reeks of divorce. If you don't hear the sound of my voice the same time next week, alert my family and then visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
dropout | hardly_working_puppet_sarah | Hello? Sarah, I need that PowerPoint yesterday. This is a multi-million dollar slideshow we're talking about.
Relax, Sam. I'm in it for the long haul. I'll get it done. Yeah, you better be. I'll be watching you. I think you bought it. Perfect. Let the video game playing continue. Oh no. Sam's coming to your desk. What do I do? Keep moving.
Sarah, I just read this so-called script of yours. I've never been so offended in my entire life. Wow. I needed that. So many times when you're in a position of power, you lose perspective. You had the courage to stand up to me. Ah, hell. The truth is, I love this script. It brought me back to my younger days. Thank you. Whoa, your puppet just won respect from Sam.
Impossible. Sam hates me.
I know that's exactly what I was thinking. Oh no. David and Pat are coming to your desk now. Hey, Sarah.
You catch the Browns game last night? I thought we had it for sure, but the ref screwed us again.
What'd you think? Yeah, you're right. There is nothing to say. We were all thinking it. Man, you are on today. What?
Those two never laugh at my jokes. Or respect my opinions on the Browns. That puppet is so funny.
Hey, Sarah. Is that Brest, the company surfer?
But he never talks to me. He's not talking to you. He's talking to the puppet, okay? He'd probably puke if he even saw you.
Heard what you said about the Browns. Attitude like that deserves a free company surf lesson. Whoa! Good job. Angles. Great job.
This has been going on for three hours. Alright, I'm putting a stop to this. Sarah, no. Stop the music. At least turn it down so I can talk.
That's not the real Sarah. That's a puppet. I'm the real Sarah.
Hey, Brest. Nice try, lady. Now, if you don't mind, we're gonna get back to work. No, no, no. It's true, okay?
Amir can back me up. He's been controlling the puppet the whole time. Tell him, Amir. Amir? He was a puppet the whole time.
Well done, sir. Well done. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_christian_finnegan | I love it that most of the people that send in photos to College Humor would gladly kick the shit out of the people who run College Humor. I empathize. I like, I love that College Humor is run by kind of sort of more of a, not sort of jock crowd.
I was not one with the jocks part of it. I was in the drama club. That's what I was at. Any former drama club assholes out there? Nice. People have a misnomer about what it meant to be in drama club, okay? People always think, oh, you were in drama club.
You probably didn't hook up with girls. Au contraire, mais amis, okay?
Maybe if you're on the football team, you actually fucked more often, but in drama club, you fooled around all the time. While the football players were rolling around in the dirt with each other, I was giving back rubs to goth girls with low self-esteem, because that's what drama club is. Just a bunch of horny teenagers giving each other back rubs, erotic, intense, blue ball inducing back rubs.
Because you wouldn't know as the guy, because the girls you'd know, you'd pretend you were like, oh, I'm so tense. I need my shoulder throwed. Like, you knew what was going on. As a guy, you had no idea.
You just kind of venture into it. Like, okay, I'm going to rub your shoulders. Okay, it looks like it's going well. Then you maybe do like the thumbs down the spine. You felt like you were in the green light.
Maybe you reach around, try to get a little side boob, right? That's my second favorite boob quadrant right there. There are four distinct boob quadrants. Think about it. Think of the nipples as sort of axes, right? There's top boob, which although lovely, kind of boring. I'll be honest. I see top boob from the stage.
Hello, my dear. I see you all. You're out there.
There's nothing wrong with that, but it's nothing exotic. Slightly more exotic is inner boob. You don't get to see inner boob that much. Maybe like red carpets, like the Oscars, you see some inner boob, low plunging necklines that cannot compare to the side boob action. But I will say, nothing can compare to under boob, right? Oh, yeah. The only time you see under boob is like at the beach when some girl's bikini top is fucked up and you're like, oh, I'm not supposed to see that. That's the best for the boob right there.
The fuck am I talking about? I have no idea either. That's all right.
But I'm getting this point in my life where I feel like my body is starting to age, but my brain is starting to regress. Tell me this is a bad sign for my future.
Last week, I heard my back playing video games. It's kind of a nut slap from God, isn't it, right there? When you're playing Madden, you get your feels going. You're like, to the right, to the right.
Ouch. That hurts. It's like, you're not living right. Whack.
For those of you who don't play the video games, here, let me bring this down for you. There's PlayStation and Xbox, which are like the grips and the bloods of the nerd world. For the true drama club people, the Sharks and the Jets. Just the wrongs and the pros. They're like rivals, but there's a healthy respect between those two as long as you're not one of the wee assholes.
I'm sorry. If I wanted to move around, I would leave my fucking apartment, okay? I don't need to waste energy doing that crap. That's my burrito's hand. I need that free.
I don't know if you ever got so angry playing a game that you threw the controller at the TV, because that snaps you back to reality, too, sweet. I'll feel like an idiot before the controller has even left my hands, and be like, fuck this game.
This is bullshit. Oh, this is a mistake.
I'm going to have some explaining to do. Five seconds later, my wife's out of bed furious, and I'm trying to explain myself as if there's any rational excuse for that behavior. Hey, do not get mad at me. You have no idea how close it was to acquiring the sword of destiny. I'll say this. I wish my relationship with my wife was more like a video game, because relationships are confusing.
In a video game, you know exactly where you stand at all times, right? Like, I'm the good guy. You're the bad guy.
We're going to fight. One of us will die.
But at least afterwards, girls, that argument is over. You see how that works? There's closure in a video game, because anyone here with a girlfriend knows that arguments do not end. They just go into remission for a while, only to flare up again unexpectedly at a later date. Every couple that's been together for more than like a year has those top five greatest-hit arguments.
You'll just kind of dust off whenever of a few minutes to kill, right? Like, oh, look, we have five minutes. Let's ruin the fucking evening. You'll bring up something that happened three years ago and just kind of pick up where you left off, and you'll argue again until something interrupts you, and then you'll kind of put it back on hold. No, no, no, wrong, wrong. Oh, look, the movie's about to start.
Wouldn't have happened like that in Mortal Kombat. We get that shit settled once and for all. But apparently, if I rip my wife's spine out of her bag and hold it above my head at trial while she collapses in a fleshy heat...
So sorry, Nishan's not turning me here. Thank you, guys. I'll get back to work. |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_cat_person | During my freshman year of college, my girlfriend still lived at home, which meant we have a lot of sex without parental approval. Also, like a lot of teenagers, we tended to do it right under our parents' noses.
But her mom and dad had a weird philosophy about having no locks on any of the doors, even the bathrooms. So I had to do a weird power stance with one foot on the door when I peed, but that's not important. What's important is that there were no locks at all.
So when we fooled around, we had to do it under a big blanket. Her family members would always give us plenty of privacy, but her cat Shamrock didn't. I don't know if it was the noise or what, but every time we had sex, that cat would find its way into the room at some point. One time, we were going at it in her basement behind a closed door with Shamrock in the corner, like always, but her family was feeling particularly social. We were just getting started when her sister came in to play with the cat. We played it cool, hanging out, talked to her a little bit. She finally left after a few minutes. As soon as we got started again, her mom came in to ask us what we wanted for dinner. It was obvious that she wanted to make sure we weren't having sex. I had a condom on, but our lower halves were under a blanket, and the TV was on, so her mom suspected nothing. She went back upstairs, and it was just us and Shamrock. Right after we finished up, I heard her mom scream upstairs. The cat was gone from the corner. Shamrock had picked up the condom wrapper and dropped it right on my girlfriend's mom's desk. We both got yelled at. Needless to say, from then on, we only had sex in my place, and that's why I'm not a cat person. |
TheOnion | Police_Officer_Explains_Why_The_Intoxicating_Rush_Of_Murder_Should_Always_Be_A_Last_Resort | Being a police officer is a difficult job. You're out there every day trying to protect and serve your community. In a dangerous situation, you're the person they call.
And if that dangerous situation turns violent, you know you're armed. But as every young training cadet is taught, you have to be absolutely sure before drawing your firearm because the intoxicating rush of murder should always be a last resort. Feeling that surge of adrenaline after you kill someone should always be your last option, no matter how amazing it is, no matter how powerful you feel, you shouldn't even be removing your gun from its holster unless you've run out of options to deescalate the situation that aren't nearly as fun. Remember that there's a whole protocol of steps you should take before you have to fall back on feeling that cold steel in your hand, your finger on the trigger, the trigger that feels like it was made just for you. People will ask me, Steve, have you ever had to fire your gun in the line of duty? And I always chuckle and tell them that police work isn't like what you see in the movies. We're not out there firing our guns all the time, just sometimes. And when we do, when you see those slugs puncture some suspects back as he tries to run away, it's the most incredible feeling. And that's why it should be a last resort because putting off that high as long as you can until you absolutely can't take it anymore, until you feel like you're gonna burst. When you do actually shoot someone down in cold blood, it feels that much more powerful. Can almost taste it.
Like all cops, I take my role to protect my community seriously. You can always count on your local law enforcement to be there firing as many bullets as they can and do whoever's around. That's our promise to you. |
dropout | weed_anime_cartoon_hell_full_episode | Call Dolan Nathan are two cartoonists they love to draw, but they're not too smart, so we sold their souls to the TV devil for a cartoon show that features their art. They all shook hands and drank a tote. Neither could believe their new found one, but then on the way to the studio, they were both laid out by a hot dog truck. Now in a somewhat ironic quest, they're in hell forever, and they get pissed! They gotta make a show that they think is gonna sell if they ever wanna get out of cartoon hell.
Morning Nathan, how's it going? You know, still acclimating to our new punishment environment. How was your breakfast, did you get anything? I just went with the maggot puffs. Oh nice. I just let a demon shit right in my mouth.
Despair! Horror! Repentance!
I am Managar! Hey Managar, good morning! Hey Managar!
Hey guys, how's it going? So you know the deal, I'm gonna make you guys make a new cartoon, and we will judge it appropriately. Every suggestion comes from a Dark Lord demon. Sure. This one comes from Jeeter R. As an average college boy, I love weed, I love anime. Please draw weed anime. Caldwell, I've got a good feeling about this one. You probably know a bit more about anime, I might know a tid bit more about the devil's grass. That's why you're down here.
Yeah, if you smoke weed even once, you do go to hell. And I did smoke it even once.
I do love anime quite a bit. Yeah, anime is great.
It is absolutely not, but I gotta go take care of some, a new order of pitchforks came in, and I gotta make sure they're pointy enough. So I'll leave you to it, good luck boys.
Thanks Managar.
So Nathan, we gotta get down to it. If ever we're going to make a show that's gonna earn us our freedom, it's gonna be the weed anime. I mean, it's peanut butter and chocolate, and then also weed. It's just a perfect combo. You got weed in my anime. You got anime in my weed.
This is Toku. Oh, okay. He looks like a pretty chill dude. Toku is just traveling the earth in search of the, I guess just the greatest nugs you can find. He's got a pot leaf right here. You like that? I think the demons will get a kick out of that, yeah. Yeah, they do have a good sense of humor. Alright, so yeah Nathan, I think that this is Toku. Yeah.
Maybe he's on a search for the dragon bong. That is also a good title for the show. Oh shit, dragon bong. Maybe it's gotta have an unnecessary kind of subtitle to it. Uh, dragon bong. THZ. Yeah, dragon bong THC. I mean, it could also be dragon bong, and then like colon, and then a whole sentence.
Oh, that's true, yeah.
To be a blazing star. Dragon bong to be a blazing, to be a blazing star.
Alright, so what sort of outfit do you think that Toku should be wearing? A poncho. Like one of those Baja hoodies?
Yeah. Does he have some sort of magical spliff, or does he ride on like a cloud maybe? He has a spliff. I think it's for sure big. If a regular person were to smoke it, it would just get them like totally baked. Right. But because Toku is training to become a dank master, he's able to channel that smoke and bend it to his will.
Is there like a weed hand symbol you can do? I mean, we can invent one. Thumbs up with the pinky out? What about thumbs up with the middle finger out?
Oh dude, that's so wrong. Oh, I love that.
Now Caldwell, is Toku just a regular human boy? No, he's an alien from a foreign planet, which explains his ability to smoke so much of that good ganj. Okay. I'm trying to think what the name of his planet would be though. Or like what his race is. Can-na-bus. Sativa? He's from the planet Sativa? Is that a weed? Yeah. Oh nice. I knew one weed. Caldwell leveled up. Okay, so he's from the planet Sativa.
Yeah, he's a lost prince of the planet Sativa, a race known as the Canniboids. The Canniboids are his race. What were the race that they smoked all of?
The nuggets? The nuggets!
Yes. Okay. We're going to need Toku to power up and kind of like say things. So I want to come up with some other cool weed phrases he can say when he's powering up. Yeah. Danks for stopping by. Oh, that's good. Maybe like smoke up. What about a... Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think those are all pretty good. I think I'm about done with this guy. Is there anything else you think I should add to Toku? I like Toku.
The more I look at his hand making that symbol, the more I enjoy it. It's positive and offensive at the same time, which is sort of a perfect allegory for weed.
If you were to translate this hand gesture into words, it would be fuck you, relax. Yeah. But this is like if you want to know if someone's chill, if you want to know if someone's like... If you want to know if someone's chill, you flick them off with a thumbs up and see if they reciprocate or if they just get mad. Yeah, the weedman's greeting. Hey, I'm poking my head in here because I want to make sure you guys are, you know, keeping up with...
Oh, God. Fuck you. I will not relax. What is that kid doing? Oh, my God.
Do you guys even watch anime? What is this? This is anime. Nathan, listen, you're going to have to save this train wreck. People don't want friendly dudes in anime. People watch anime for a handful of reasons.
And it's big robots, violent destruction, naked 14-year-old girls. Listen, if I can't buy this in the adult section of Suncoast video, I ain't watching it. That was a joke for literally a specific narrow band of people in their early 30s.
So, Nathan, is this the dragon bong? Yeah, this is the dragon bong I'm drawing. I'm trying to, you know, not make this a direct ripoff of Dragon Ball.
What's that? Never mind. Managar, how's this looking to you?
I feel like I could wear that on the back of a rayon shirt and feel like a real cool guy. Are there going to be any merchandising opportunities if we do a good cartoon? If the cartoon is good, we will air it to all the children in hell, which is a lot.
I mean, if you died and are under the age of 18 and were on Santa's naughty list, you're in here. You use Santa's naughty list as like a kind of primer guide for who's going to hell?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa has very, very tough standards and he has damned millions. Oh, wow. I did not realize Santa was so Calvinist.
That seems really cruel. I'm rooting for you. We don't need another brickelberry on our hands. Well, could we at least try and get like a celebrity name attached to it? Doug Vincent? He likes weed, right?
Unfortunately, Doug Benson is immortal. There's an amount of weed you can smoke that will make you immortal. He's the only one that did it. It either kills you or makes you immortal. That's true of anything, though. So you are a font of wisdom, Caldwell.
How does Toku discover this dragon bong? I was thinking about it, and I think he finds his magic split, the direction of the smoke that he puffs. He follows that, and it leads him to the dragon bong.
Nathan, is Piccolo in this show? He just is Piccolo from... Yeah. You don't have to draw him. I just want confirmation that Piccolo is up in there. Yeah, he shows up. He's not involved in the adventure at all. He's just like... Toku gets high with Piccolo every once in a while. Now, I like to think that when his magic spliff leads him to the discovery of the dragon bong, it's not actually the dragon bong that he finds, it's just a computer with an eBay page open. Okay.
And he puts in the winning bid for the dragon bong, which is made by some ceramics guy in Colorado. On Planet Colorado, yeah. He travels to Planet Colorado to forge the dragon bong. It cost him like 300 bucks, but it's worth it, because it's such a conversation piece.
We really got to draw a villain at some point, but in the final battle, he has to call upon all the people of Earth to lend him their power so that he can do the biggest weed possible. Yeah, well, he calls upon the people of Earth to lend him their weed, because he has run out, and his dude Frankie Dubs is on spring break.
Oh, you can't hook him up, yeah. He posts on Facebook. He's like, yo, can anyone help me out?
And then Piccolo rides by on a hoverboard and is like, nice. Yeah, so in the dragon ball anime, Piccolo is actually created when a green alien monster man named Kami splits himself into a good and evil version. And we actually learned later that Kami also split himself into a chill version. Wait, does that mean there's like a freaky version of Piccolo that's just like having an existential crisis on his best friend's couch? One of the arcs in Dragon Bong, THZ, is that Toku and chill Piccolo have to help freak out Piccolo calm the fuck down. I know you spent a lot of time drawing and world building here, but I would just watch the anime of Piccolo freaking out, because he got a little too high on some of that heady.
Some of that Namekian Kush. And I guess on this quest as well would be Wejida. He's another cannibaloid, but he has different ideas about how you should smoke. I guess he's probably more into like vaping. Oh, yeah, Vapejida. Toku's nemesis, Vapejida.
I feel like you could spend all of eternity, which is what we have on this drawing. But I feel like we got to keep moving, right? Yeah, yeah, just let me finish it.
You're going to draw a villain, right? Should I draw Vapejida? I think you got to draw Vapejida.
Okay, cool. Maybe like a startup kind of weed smoker. He's a businessman, but he still likes to get a little high. And that's why he and Toku can never chill, because Toku has fully embraced the marijuana rhythm. He's on that Jane train. Wow, you really have not smoked a lot of weed in your life. Hey, Managar, if Nathan just drew this weed robot for the rest of time, would that be okay? No, because for Nathan, it would be heaven.
Oh, yeah. Okay, this is fine. It's a little top-heavy. I think that you smoke through it once, and it instantly falls over. You have to make sure that it's lightheaded enough to not fall over. All right, so I'm going to draw a villain real quick. This is Vapejida.
He's very fashionable. He doesn't even need these glasses.
These are special weed glasses. There's weed scouters.
Oh, yeah. He can tell your highness level. Yes. There it is.
I did it. I saved the show. It's over 420. We made the joke. We did it.
Nathan, do you have any good weed tales? Oh, yeah. This one time, I smoked the illegal substance that is pot. And then I ordered some food, and I ate it, and I watched the cartoons.
And I committed no crimes because I had no interest in going outside. That sounds like paradise. Yeah, it's only illegal as an excuse to arrest minorities.
Wait a minute, Nathan. I have to interrupt your poignant yet forced political messaging. Caldwell. What's wrong? You fool. You've doomed us all.
What is the one thing every anime needs?
Is it heart? No. Emotional resonance? No. What is it?
Waifus. You forgot the waifus.
Oh, dang it. We got the mechs. We got the determined boys. We got a villain. What about a waifu? Oh, shit. You're right.
Could you imagine watching a show that didn't have a very simplified female character on which you can project all of your intimacy issues? In a weed anime, instead of a Mary Sue, is it a Mary Jane? Hey, guys, what if I made Vapejita into a lady?
I think it works, yeah. I think it'll definitely work.
I should make this a little more of a cool rig, right? Yeah, can it be one of them robot guys? Excuse me?
Yeah, one of them robo-vapes. And this is just her skirmisher vape. She has a full volcano that she busts out when she powers up.
Maybe it's attached to her somehow? Oh, yeah. So she's just got a giant plastic bag on her back. I think it's like a vapor. We might need to go a little steampunk with it, I think. Okay. It's like some sort of bagpipe almost.
Ah, as stone as dew on the Scottish Highlands. It's a common misconception that the Scottish Highlands are misty. That's just all that dank vape smoke. I mean, it is why they call it the Highlands, my god.
My thought, though, is that, like, Vapejita is not the final villain. No, they're gonna become friends. Tokus is so freewill and optimistic, and Vapejita is so pragmatic and serious. But at the end of the day, the power of their friendship and their love of warriors just wins out.
Their true villain are those dang narcs. Those people that are trying to take all the dankness away from the universe. Oh, so, like, instead of blowing up planets, they just push for mandatory sentencing laws.
Yeah. I would love to watch an anime in which cool weed warriors just kung fu fight the United States Congress. Can I suggest the name of maybe a villain? Oh, absolutely. Narcuto? You're crossing the streams a little bit, but I like it. We're playing Calvin Ball.
We're in hell. No IPs are safe. Can't kill us. We're already dead, bitches.
I just love the idea of a straight-edge ninja. His headband's got the two X's on it? Yeah. And could you offer me some help on maybe, like, spicing up this rig here? Put a skull on it. Oh, for sure. Why don't I just make it one big skull?
I like that. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. That sounds pretty good. You got to say, that's a gnarly skull, and I have seen trillions. Oh, thank you. Yeah, coming from you, that means a lot. All right. I feel like these eyes glow. Yeah, they glow red, and then they turn green when it's ready to smoke. Gotcha. Cool, cool, cool.
All right, I'm just going to make these, like, straight-up smokestacks then. Here's the thing, is the longer they battle, the higher they get, then they forget why they were fighting. I'm just going to get some nice thick thighs in here.
Yeah, can we? Yeah. There we go. And then boots. Yeah.
You got to have boots. You got to have boots for when you're trudging around the quad, looking for a replacement for Frankie.
Is Frankie Dubs a real person that you knew? I had a Frankie Dubs in my life.
This is a fun at-home exercise. If you're one of the several demons watching this right now, go on to demonic Facebook and see what happened to your guy. Oh, no. Does he have a family? Is he an investment banker? Did he die in a ditch? Who knows? Fun discovers.
Hey, guys, I'm having trouble figuring out, like, how this giant woman should fit into any of this. I feel like I might need to lose the legs and just kind of have it loom a little more. I mean, I like those legs. I like the size on the other side of the mech, and the mech is big, and she's regular size. Okay, so, yeah, I fixed the design a little bit. I think this is feeling a little more cohesive.
And the great thing about a weed anime is if you can't figure out what to do with the background, just fill it up with smoke. Yeah, just cover it with that good greenhouse gas. Mm-hmm. Weed animes in N64 games. Just add some fog. You know what?
I'm going to do one last detail. I'm just going to draw the moon.
Yeah. But it's that green moon, baby. Has a palm frond? Yeah. No, it's one of those... A maple leaf? Yeah, it's one of those weed maples. You know, it's like the Muad'Dib on the moon. You know, it's like the cool leaf on this planet.
Why did you draw a face hugger from Ridley Scott's alien franchise? I was trying to draw a weed leaf.
Come on, guys. You know that I want to smoke down one of them good, good hand turkeys. You sound more like a cop the more you talk like that. I'm not a hell cop.
As cool as that sounds. Can you also just throw in some, like, star twinkles around that moon? Oh, absolutely. I think that's just a good design cheat.
When in doubt, add some sprinkles. Add some sprinkles. Add some twinkles.
It works for ice cream. It works for drawing. All right. I'm feeling good about this.
Oh, well, you know what? It is a friendly reminder. If you're one of those people that pronounces it Naruto, you definitely are in hell. Also worth mentioning that it's okay to be straight-edge, but the problem with Narukuto is that he's pushing his lifestyle on others. The problem is he joined the RAs, or Regional Avengers. Right. A government authority group dedicated to harshing everyone's vibe. Yeah. The thing is, I feel like as a ninja, he's upset because with this amount of smoke around, it's kind of distracting from his smoke that he uses to escape and get to other places. Yeah. It's not respecting the smoke as a tool for deception. So Narukuto shows up season two. Mm-hmm. And then I think just thinking ahead, I think Narukuto sort of remains a villainous force throughout the series. Sure. Like they defeat him once, but eventually Narukuto comes back stronger than ever. Oh, shit. And again, they need to reconcile their differences. Mm-hmm. I like to think that Toku defeats Narukuto by just grabbing him and saying, like, weed is good, dude.
Fucking give it a shot, my man. Don't be such a nerd.
That's the thing about Naruto's design as is, is that he does look kind of like just a dorky college republican in a windbreaker. Let's see. I think he is wearing a suit. There's Naruto in a suit. And I'm just picturing normal businessmen, but they are wearing Naruto headbands.
So yeah, does Narukuto eventually smoke up and learn to be chill? Yeah, I think eventually. Like the dragon bong lets Luca rip so dank that he is overwhelmed by it.
I love that you did the XXX design from the movie XXX. Yeah. I did do that. I'm pretty sure that Vin Diesel is straight-edge in that movie, too. You know, Vin Diesel is actually not going to go to hell when he dies, unlike most celebrities. Oh, yeah? He's too strong. Hey, Managar, what other celebrities are not going to hell? Well, Captain Lou Albano personally wrestled his way into heaven. Nice. Most cast members from Mean Girls, you know which ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brent Spiner is technically a Greek god sent down in mortal form, and every other Jenner in birth order. And Miranda Cosgrove will actually ascend the throne of hell when she dies. Oh, cool.
Man, thank God that we got a suggestion involving weed. Otherwise, we wouldn't have been able to cover all of the things we didn't want to draw with smoke.
Uh-oh, the Crimson Flame has a lit on my desk here, and the time for judgment has arrived. Oh, shit. Nathan, you got to finish up. The alarm's going off.
Does something smell like sulfur to you?
Yeah, always. Okay, good. Just double-check. Yeah, Nathan's just got to fix all the problems that I left for him. But once he does that, I think we'll be good to go. I'm pretty sure we did what Jeter asked. It is weed anime. It is what it is. I truly hope so.
I think it's about time to feed this into cartoon-o-tron and make ourselves a little cartoon. Let's do it. Iseboth, Takura, Yiggle Blaggle, arise, cartoon-o-tron, and judge that which has been drawn. My ears are ringing. Hello, everybody. I am cartoon-o-tron.
How are you today? Uh, pretty, you know, all things considered. Regular day in hell.
Okay, if you want to feed that cartoon right into my mouth, I will poop out a cool cartoon for you fun, fellas. Here it goes. Hmm. It tastes sticky icky icky. Okay, here we go. Give it up, Toku. Your primitive dragon bomb can only get you stony while my ultra vape technology allows me to get stony bologna. We'll see about that. Smooch up. Oh, hold up. I got to take this. Toku here. Thanks for calling. Toku.
It's Freakout Piccolo. He's freaking out. What do we even need money for? And even worse, Norcato is making the rounds.
Hey, everything okay in there? No, I'm not okay. I'm way too high.
Dude, shut up. All right, wow. Hey, that was the show. Dragonbong THC.
I got the results from our panel of unknowable horrors. What'd they think? They hated it.
I don't get it. I don't get it either.
Some of the problems here. You guys, is smoking weed just supposed to be funny in of itself? Yeah, that didn't play well with demons. Also, this is an anime. You guys are funny cartoonists. Why didn't you make a joke about women's underwear?
We tried to make it a little more progressive, but I hope that didn't lose us any points. Unfortunately, it did. I mean, I was really rooting for you guys, but I just got a word from the lower ups. Unfortunately, they're very demanding low standards.
We're not met this time around, but hear me out. We will rerun it on Toonami at midnight for at least a month. It's already in reruns.
This is the irony. Only stoners will be awake to watch it. Well, Caldwell, we didn't earn our freedom. No.
I really thought it was within our grasp. I guess we'll just have to try again next week. Yeah. Thanks for watching Cartoon Hell, and we're here forever. I want to get high now. Maybe if we hold our breaths long enough and then huff in some of these sulfur fumes. Way ahead of you. All right. Icy spots. See you next week. Wait, wait, wait.
Nathan, Nathan, there's a little floating skull outside, and he's holding a sign in his mouth. It says dropout.tv. What is that? Oh, you guys are talking about Dropout, the new streaming video service that has shows from the team behind College Human Drawfee. Wait, that's us. Oh, Nathan, look, the skull. It's turning around. It's showing the back of the sign. It says you have worms in your stool.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.
This is Julia. She is one of our longest serving cartoonists. |
TheOnion | How_One_Hot_New_Device_Helps_Couples_Drag_Out_Their_Doomed_Relationship_That_Extra_Month_Or_Two | A Hard Morning calls for a soft drink of news with Jim and Tracy. Brought to you by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both with today now. Hey, coming up later in the hour, we'll teach you some simple tips for picking a favorite child. But first we have Get Both, the segment where we profile Americans who got everything they wanted by combining the best of both worlds. And as always, Get Both is sponsored by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both.
That one paid the bills. This one's just for me.
Video games can cause major problems in a relationship. There are countless wives and girlfriends who feel neglected while their men spend hours fighting virtual monsters. But is it possible for one partner to feed an all-consuming addiction while the other pretends she's in a healthy relationship?
One hot new gaming device says you can Get Both. The Relationship Pro talks to your girlfriend so you don't have to. We're joined today in our demo center by Eric and Pam, a couple that's been teetering on the edge of divorce for years. So Pam, you guys have been using the controller all morning.
I understand it's a very good listener. It's amazing. It's like talking to a fully developed person.
Wow, we all have those things we've told our spouse a million times, but they never seem to listen. So Pam, can you tell the controller something that you've told Eric? Here's something I say a lot.
What is this? What are we doing?
You're right. I know I have a lot to change. Our best days are ahead of us. But I understand the controller does much more than just yes dear or no dear. Yeah, I mean it's not afraid to tell me the hard truth I need to hear. You have to understand that just because you've been friends with Carol since college doesn't mean you're friends with Carol. Does that make sense? I guess you're right.
It's got to be a major relief, not needing your husband to be your partner or a friend. Yeah, it's a load off. So Eric, it must be a tremendous relief to know that there's someone else on the other end of Pam's eye rolls.
Oh, for sure. Now I can focus on my game instead of worrying about all that stuff she said there. Well, let's underline that for our viewers. It has fixed your relationship and improved your gaming. Yeah, both. I guess you could say that. We have to say that.
Get Both is sponsored by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get Both.
Well, so we all want to know, will the relationship pro keep you two together? I think it'll drag this thing out for another couple months.
Amazing. Now to thank you two for coming on the show, we bought you two the new deluxe relationship pro extreme. This expanded model has two new modes, fantasy mode, which allows you to select the age and nationality of the controller's voice. Oh, I choose a voice like my dad. Okay. And a hyper realistic mode that starts fights and then grovels pathetically when it's afraid you might get rid of it. I can't wait to use it.
I told you I can't right now. Could you lay off for once? Why are you doing this? Look, I'm sorry. I'm just really stressed out right now.
Let's have a baby. That's so realistic.
Thanks for showing us how to Get Both with 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get Both.
Up next, we're going to meet a weirdo that pole vaults all day. Stay tuned. |
dropout | gross_collectibles_prank | Oh, this is a 1986 Metz toenails. Last time the Metz were worth watching. Yeah, that's right. Last time their toenails were worth anything.
They've all been disinfected before we put them in the case. Totally clean.
400 bucks. This is, like, a total steal. We sold the 1985 Dodgers for, like, $1,000. Oh, that's just absolutely unbelievable.
Is it a certificate of authenticity for you? Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. Of course. All of a sudden it's been authenticated. Yeah.
No way do they have that. We asked them to toenails.
Can you believe it? That's personable. How'd you get them? But, you know, but this is the kind of unique collectible that sort of transcends just traditional baseball cards and signed baseballs and things like that. Okay. Fans really like to feel intimately fused with their heroes.
This right here is a half-eaten plate of French fries from Roger Clemens back at the Houston Steakhouse in 2005. Oh, yeah. He was actually out to dinner with Jeb Bush. You also ordered a mushroom cheddar burger? Yeah.
Do you play softball? I want to maybe next year. You do?
This is from our warehouse. It's a big cellar.
This is Jenny Finch's Clump of Hair from the University of Oklahoma locker room. Jenny Finch is, like, the greatest softball pitcher of all time. Yes. That is softball.
You can see it up in your room. It's a great gift.
So these are all tobacco spit vials here. Oh, no way. A dip spit. Good shooting tobacco.
Oh, that's good. That much? Well, that's just from one game.
That's from Lenny Dykstra. We got an Andy Van Slyke, Mandy Ramirez. But you'd be amazed on how well this stuff sells. People love collecting spit. We just sold 86 Dodgers, entire dugout of spit. We had a real Nick Swisher hater here just about 10 minutes ago who was considering buying that to literally throw in his face.
If you can believe that. So it could be used for all sorts of stuff. We can get you. What about your garage?
Baseball cards are, in fact, similes. But you can be that close to one of your favorite athletes. People come in here buying these baseball cards, which is fine, you know, but, like, get something unique.
Exactly. You like birds? Yeah. Well, we actually have a bird feather here from a bird that was eviscerated by a Randy Johnson fastball. Oh, my goodness. So we've been disseminating the carcass piece by piece, and now we're just left with the feathers. Yeah. And these are feathers from that bird.
Not on purpose. It was an accident. It just flew in the way of it.
So cool.
The wing is worth $4,000. We can give this to you today for, what, 60 bucks? Yeah. I think we could do 50. Oh. There you go. Were you interested in buying any of this? Oh, no. I would really seriously think about it. Really? Yeah. You don't have to display that, but keep it nearby in case anyone asks.
Congratulations on your new feather. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome.
It sounds so creepy when you say that. What's creepy?
It's just teens like me a lot. No, stop saying teens. It's not like a creepy way. I just mean like teens. No, say teens. I'm fine. I won't. Stop saying teens. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Cost_Of_Living_Crisis_Sees_Local_Girl_Return_To_The_Broke_Woman_s_Mecca_Local_W_ | How are you going Effie? I'm good. We're going to head to some cabaret tonight which will be fun and I've heard back from Wendell about his areola reduction surgery. That's good to hear.
He doesn't have any shadows left over from the... No, apparently they actually took too much so they've got to do... Two cent nips. Yeah, so now he's got nothing there and they actually have to transplant some of his gooch skin to his nipples because they were able to do a color match. Well, it'll be equally as smooth as well, the gooch skin.
So that's good news. Can you just quickly tell me what the difference is between cabaret and burlesque? Is burlesque more you see a bit more perhaps? I don't know. That's a good question. My understanding was burlesque is basically what rich girls do when they want to have the same vibe as strippers but feel above them. Yes, that's exactly that and former horse girls as well. Yeah, former horse girls. Yeah. We're in pony club at a young age. You're likely involved in burlesque. That's just the rules as reported by Effie Bateman. Now what's up in the news this week?
Well, starting off and the cost of living crisis has seen a local girl return to the broke woman's mecca which is Priceline. Yes, a local woman hit hard by the cost of living crisis has been forced to return to her OG Cosmetica as she comes to realize that dropping $80 on a blush just isn't feasible anymore. Clara Bowe, 30, tells The Advocate that the sacrifice has been just one of many she's made recently stating that her most recent gas bill is what sent her over the edge. Though she loves nothing more than perusing the aisles of mecca for unnecessary makeup purchases she's had to make do with returning to Priceline which at least also satiates her recent vitamin hyper fixation if there's any consolation there.
She said, I really thought by the age of 30 I'd have a decent disposable income. I mean, I know I won't buy a house or probably even have kids because who can afford that? But yeah, no more Nas or Too Faced for me. I'm a Revlon girl now. And good on her.
Today's podcast is brought to you by NordVPN which keeps your devices malware free and your browsing safe from strangers eyes. And most importantly allows you to freely watch overseas content without any restriction such as American Netflix or streaming sports while you're traveling. I hear Wendell has been making the most of his NordVPN trial to tune into his beloved Summer Heights High reruns. Wouldn't have taken him for a Chris Lilley fan. There you go. Yes, NordVPN will give you swift access to content from all over the world and are currently offering an exclusive deal for Petuta listeners. Yep, and to take advantage of this free trial go to nordvpn.com forward slash petuta which is risk free with Nord's 30 day money back guarantee.
Yes, and continuing on with the povo news a local woman realizes mates grew up in a significantly different socio-economic bracket after being invited on a ski trip. Yes, a woman who moved to Sydney a year ago has slowly discovered that her new friends have had a significantly different upbringing after being asked to join a skiing trip as though she knew what to do when going on a skiing trip. April Lawson tells the Petuta Advocate her biggest culture shock since moving to the Big Smoke was that everyone seems to be able to ski like it's normal and a normal accessible hobby and that she had no idea she was the povo friend until now. She said, They couldn't believe I didn't know how to ski, like it was as normal as getting your driver's license. Apparently they all used to go on skiing trips with their family and that's why they're so good at it. Though she'd long suspected she was the Joey Tribbiani of the friend group, April says she might head down to the local RSL happy hour and see if she can find some friends in her own income bracket.
Up next and a son stuck in Japan unable to make it home to surprise mum because Alan Joyce willingly sold him a ticket to a cancelled flight. Yes, an Australian man who's been living in the land of the rising sun will not be able to feel like home again after Australia's national carrier fucked him over. This follows the news that a regulatory probe that could see Qantas find as much as $600 million for allegedly selling tickets on 8,000 cancelled ghost flights in 2002, meaning customers were charged out the arse for exorbitantly gouged tickets on planes that were never going to take off in the first place. The young man who appears to be one of those weird upper middle class Australians who are fascinated by Asian culture will now have to forgo his trip home to Australia on business class because Alan Joyce has fucked up so badly that even loyal passengers from the front of the plane are being betrayed in a greedy attempt to keep the shareholders happy. Mum is absolutely shattered.
Good one Alan. And finishing up, new feed a family of four for $10 ad to include a $2 bag of rice, $3 tomatoes and a map of Ibis hotspots. Yes, as old clips from the 2017 feed a family of four for $10 Coles ad explodes on TikTok, the supermarket giant has been forced to hit back at critics who suggest it's now impossible to cook a Curtis Stone meal on a 2023 budget. These videos, which show everyday people attempting to piece together simple ingredients for a $10 dinner and failing miserably, highlight just how dire the cost of living crisis has become. With even a standard packet of regular 1kg mints already blowing out the budget, Coles has now defended claims of price gouging by insisting it is actually very possible to feed a family of four if you use your imagination, and if you aren't afraid to get your hands a little dirty. Working with the government, Coles has opted for a kill two birds with one Curtis Stone by significantly reducing the Ibis population and providing Australians with a cheap source of meat which can be delivered up to a family of four with a $2 bag of rice, $3 cherry tomatoes, $2 baby spinach and $2.70 dolmio sauce.
Sounds yummy actually. Like maybe saute and some bin juice. You boil them first and then pluck them because they've all got skin conditions obviously, so then you need to cut off the meat that has been plagued I guess by the different illnesses that they pick up from the scouncing around bins, but apparently it's a pretty good meat. Tastes like what? Chicken.
That's all from us this week, thanks for tuning in. See you later. Bye. |
dropout | An_Interview_with_a_Very_Popular_European_Popstar_Very_Important_People_Full_Episode | Hey, I'm Anna Garcia. I'm here. I'm queer and I'm feeling a little nauseous about today Today we're giving this comedian a total transformation. I Love skullcaps. It feels so safe. They have no idea who or what they're about to become Once they see themselves in the mirror They'll have to make up a character on the spot and then sit down with me for an improvised interview This is very important people My god I'm here now. I'm kind of serving cunts. Can I say that? What are my necklaces say dream flying high and dance all night rack focus to these nails So I got these all from people I didn't Molly with this is actually permanent got its own unto my skin So I actually sell mortgages I actually sell mortgages. This is just sort of a thing. I do as a hobby, but I totally forgot our meeting list today Hey guys, welcome back. I'm princess Emily. Welcome to my world. Hi, I'm angel This really is my first single. It's called grateful We all have a story to tell and Sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.
Good evening I'm Vic Michaelis here with another edition of very important people please and Where's my guest? Where's my guest? Oh Okay, yeah, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, okay, okay understood please introduce yourself everybody My name is princess Emily I Am really happy to be here Oh princess Emily we are so happy to have you What was that?
What? Oh, I thought you said something. Okay Did say something I've been detecting an accent. Where are you from? You're up of a part. Yes, exactly Specifically on a map where oh, yes right in the in the heart of the smack of the dab. Oh Germany. Who is that?
You know what what's in here for me, can I sit oh that's water you're more than welcome to it now princess Emily You're a very You can spit it out Water so different here the water is different here. I'd love to know more about that right here. How is it different? It's from a bottle salty. Well, I want to hear a little bit about this What got you into music in the first place?
It's a great question I had a wish when I was younger on a star that I would become famous That's beautiful. Thank you. I have to say I'm a big fan of your music Sort of like Justin Bieber. Did you burp? Okay, just like Justin Bieber. You were sort of found on YouTube. Yes.
Yes My pop trio their original pop trio now when we did book you we did think that there was gonna be three of you It's been amazing because I've I've split off and done my own thing now, so your trio Maroon 5 your trio Maroon 5, but there's a question mark after it Which is sort of how different Maroon 5 is Maroon 5. I said it like that didn't I not first? No, I'm bad with inflection Maroon 5. No, no up at the end. We're in five. We're in five You sound like you're scared. You should be inquisitive Maroon 5 Maroon 5. No, it's high at the end Maroon 5 Maroon 5 I can't do it without doing your accent and that feels maybe offensive try Maroon 5. That was really good I'm seeing some mixed reactions your group Maroon 5 question mark Yes, the question on all of the viewers mind.
Where are princess marina and princess jasmine? I want I want to say it was a choice to go solo. Okay. I wish I could hmm princess marina and princess jasmine got into a bit of trouble What kind of trouble with the law with the law?
Hmm. Are you saying have you heard of pygmy monkeys? Yeah, sure, you know the way that things become trends in America like Oh broken stock shoes are not cool or like Mullets. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened with pygmy monkeys did it ease? And so princess marina and princess jasmine sort of figured out ways to access them not legal Mmm, and then they sort of started breeding So you're telling us right here that princess marina and princess jasmine are in jail for pygmy monkey trading That is what I am telling you and they would not be happy about that because they like to be pop stars they did And we tried doing it over zoom.
Do we have a video of that? I think as much as on score for the number one off-brand tick-tock in Europe. We do have score, but okay So that actually is ignorant if you didn't what we do. So, okay. Do you want to introduce the song?
The song is called whoopsies shouldn't have done that sort of topical for the situation Yeah, it's a song is about the pygmy monkey situation Worked out with them Her in jail for life for life. Yeah, pretty pygmy monkeys really so illegal.
That can't be right what country you're up, right? I miss my sister and that is fair enough I'm so sorry that you're going it solo, but it does seem like you are absolutely Killing it. Do you think so? You're going on tour. Is that not true? Yes, I'm going on tour We've had a small difficulties. How so well I released my tour dates after Livy Rodriguez tour dates and hers are all the same as me Well, I'm assuming different venues. No.
Well, I'm the parking lots let you set up Sort of a stage so sort of like outside of grocery stores how they have a little sign that says the people are not Incredibly different. I see. Oh, so we had a segment idea where perhaps you could teach me how to do a Scorpio dance I'm a Scorpio dance You think you can do it well, I would like to try sure, okay It's the same water as before and you didn't like it last time. Well, guess what? I'm parts and you give me no other options I'd love a look cry. We have a look right? Can somebody get Jesus fucking Christ Thank you, so this is probably one of score fins top dancers right now Okay song it goes hands hands and then you squalt with it and then you squat and then you sort of shimmy Shimmy for like a minute It would be better if we had music and then we pop back up and then can you do the splits? Yes, great. Three two one Go on now Vic. Well, I um go on now So of course coffin won't give you any likes or views and sometimes doing the splits is trying your best You're gonna rip your and I am suit. Well, it's very comfortable actually it well, why don't we take a seat here? We had another segment that we were hoping to play sure a little game We like to do around here.
I'll call what's in my bag. I said La Croix earlier Is that gonna you get Princess Emily a little cry, please? Look how fast I came when I yelled. Yeah Probably cuz I said it. Hey earlier little prince Thank you so much sort of don't make you know my music I contact.
Oh, so you don't treat them like people voice No, you don't treat them like people. We got to pay them a union rate and that's sort of a problem Oh, yeah, don't talk don't pay your people for doing stuff.
Well, it's not like that So that's your look right that you wanted. This is delicious We have a segment here that we like doing and that is called what's in my bag So we got your bag from backstage So we were hoping we could go through it and you can tell us about some of these items are you ready? Yes. Oh, okay.
This is fun Tell me a little bit about these so I don't know if you've noticed that I'm wearing bracelets. Yeah, I did I've got a few on and so I've made them for fans to give me for fans to give you. Yes It's right because I heard at some concerts you make bracelets and then you hand them out to other people, right? So that's what I'm going to do but I don't know if the fans know to make them so I make them for defense and Then I give them to them to then give to each other and to me It's very kind don't know if you're looking at me like that for because the way you said it before it sounded like You made bracelets to give the fans and then they had to give them back to you to wear Well, they do have to do that as well at the end of the concert. I can only make so many bracelets Oh, I see. So for this I'm going to pretend that I'm a fan at a concert and you're another fan So put the bag down.
Okay. Oh my god. I'm an ecstasy Kiss it. Okay, and then what are you left your righty? Oh, I know you're not supposed to catch it God Great, let it fall and then sort of give it a stomp. Stop. Okay The beats were totally fine, right and then after that you say what you want to name your first child back That's crazy Give me that this one hand. It's always gonna be the right. Okay, is there Wow, and then I give it and then Okay, but if you don't give it back I would have to find you No, I will give it not find fine. Well make me pay for it. Yeah.
All right Can we take another item out of your bag? Okay, what is this? Tape Why in your bag such a small bag takes up? Well, actually it doesn't take up as much as you think because this middle is empty I see this is my favorite bracelet Oh Beautiful you want to try it on see if you look good in it, okay No, no, oh not your vibe, okay We have some more items in your bag here. Uh, what? These are my pills, right?
No, I wouldn't do that. Nope. Okay, I do but and we should probably put that away and It's mostly vitamins one of them's well butyrin, I love that drug. Okay, why don't you put take one? I'll take five Wow Here we go. I Wouldn't have done that.
So what were they you said? Well butyrin, which I think is and some vitamins Yes, and then ecstasy Was there I do you think there was ecstasy in the ones that I took? Probably because I thought there were vitamins about butyrin because you had said Do okay if we rewind it I'm sure it won't be there because otherwise they wouldn't have taken a whole handful of them Have you ever been on ecstasy?
No, it's great. Okay.
Well, I don't feel anything. So there probably wasn't ecstasy It takes 32 to 45 minutes.
Okay, could you put them back at the back? Sure. No problem This is not cheap. Okay, and last but not least we have my wallet Is your wallet? Yeah Where are your credit cards and your IDs thing about America is that you don't really need those things to get by I bring my money here and it's worth like 800 times as much I can't think of a single country where that would be You should do more research and look at the map then Okay, and I will go ahead and take that and I think that this is the end of the segment Thank you so much. I think at the PA in here give it to him give this to him Yes, give him the money all of this. It brought me the drink Don't you want that don't we can't talk to you have to let them speak. Okay.
Well, I Said it's my show. It's when it's your show. You can let the PA speak Princess Emily. Yeah, you got this new music Thank you so much Right, that's more just a comment on the fact that you do you just did do new music That's more of a fact. The music video is actually out now. You can watch it.
Really? I'm scorpion Let's take a peek at that you lucky duckies Incredible I'm American. Why are we choosing that as the language? It's actually quite hard to be pop star in America, right? So you have to know your audience sure So I figured the you're American would be a good way to connect to people that are American which is where I'm now living That's interesting an interesting choice, but do you just burp?
No, you have to chill Freaking me out. I'm sorry, and I'm not meaning to scare you gonna walk out that door. Oh, please don't no don't We're so excited to have you here.
Thank you. Seems like you're getting younger Thank you. So that is really sweet. Oh That is really sweet. You guys can clap for big. No, no, you can't clap for me Actually, that's bad for audio and I think you know that so Vic is nice I am I do look younger and I have gotten work done, but it's been subtle. It is subtle.
Thank you Stickers no, no, no Permanence permanent, you know tooth gems. Yeah, I got face gems and neck gems. Oh, so this doesn't come off No, I wish I actually wish I regret it very much. I would do a segment on here called rapid-fire questions So I have a few questions here and just answer them I have a rapid-fire question you like my hair oh I do Thank you Here we go.
Who is your best friend?
Princess Jasmine that's gonna be over princess marina to here. Well should they'll never see this aren't there TVs in jail. Yes You think this airs on TV? Sorry, and also it's abroad. Okay.
Well, well, this is actually how we have a lot of fans in Europe Yeah, literally never once heard of this. You never heard of this.
My publicist was like do it because we feel bad How about this see if I see if anybody on CS NBC could ask you this What do you watch when you feel sad? I? Have these geckos that live in a bit of a nest in the back of my condo hmm, I have seen them fornicate from time to time and and I have pulled their tails off from time to time and I love to watch the way they are when I do that Okay So most guests say some sort of a television show So that is a really insightful answer and I appreciate you answering honestly I do love nature and last but not least what I ask each and every one of my guests.
Oh, that's me What is the meaning of life That's a good question. And it's something that I think about a lot and I've always thought to myself The meaning of life for me.
Is it what is it success? Is it love? Is it friendship?
It's pygmy monkeys and I never have quite figured it out and I think that is the meaning of life is that you allow yourself to be or who you really are and you Don't put pressure on yourself to always be doing things, right? But you just do that and I really think strongly that You know, everything works out the way it is and I think the meaning of life is to just be embracing it. That's really Insightful and beautiful. Thank you. I don't know what I was expecting.
You think little of me? No, I don't think little of you. I think very highly about all these bracelets.
No, I oh Excuse me. Just one.
Hi We can't talk right breaking news. There's a car trace happening currently on the 101. No and Blasting out of the Toyota is I am an American your song and it seems to have gone viral Why yeah, it seems like your song has gone viral Because of a criminal in a car chase. So it seems like he did horrible things that we're not allowed to be saying Yes, it seems like it's it's trending I never thought this day would come after the pygmy incident This is amazing Prince's family Is it just me or did you shrink You think I'm down there? Oh The carpet is talking.
Are you feeling it? I think I am. Are you sure it was ecstasy that was in there? You took so many different ones. You're probably having a really bad reaction to one of them Well, someone's gonna have to move the furniture cuz I feel like the furniture is God and it's telling me bad things Okay, look we can move it I can move it or don't touch that there's people for that Oh this guy you're rich now. You don't have to be here anymore.
Sorry, he's not don't talk He's not allowed to talk.
No, he likes it here. He likes it here.
This is Princess Emily reporting live Okay from stardust. I did it Olivia Rodrigo. You think you wish sing Olivia Rodrigo sing one That is right everybody it's Princess Emily's turn to shine.
Okay, well that sober me up I'm Jake Michaelis and remember be true to yourself unless you would rather be somebody else. Good night Good night. Why don't you punch me in the face? You were singing Olivia Rodrigo, and I literally said don't And you want to get into nothing. So thank you crew I hope that pays you for your time. And if you ever come to Europe, I will let you speak |
TheOnion | Bratz_Dolls_May_Give_Girls_Unrealistic_Expectations_Of_Head_Size | If you have a daughter, it's likely you're familiar with Bratz, the must-have doll for the under 10 set. But could these toys be promoting an unhealthy body image among young girls due to their unrealistically large heads? Here's Jean Ann Wharton to take us beyond the facts. Since their launch in 2001, Bratz dolls have been flying off the shelves. They're fun, they're fashionable, and their heads are enormous. According to gender equality advocate Melissa Waters, even though these dolls can't talk, they're sending young girls a message about their bodies. What girls are taking away from this is that in order to be beautiful, you need to have a head that's twice the size of your torso. Melissa isn't alone in her concerns. Yvonne Grey gave her daughter Shayla her first Bratz for Christmas last year.
Now, she wishes she hadn't. I want to be a good parent. I want her to feel good about herself, about her head. I mean, we all want to be the woman with the head out to here, but at some point, you have to say that you're okay with your little head and be okay with having a nose.
Shayla says nearly everyone her age owns a Bratz doll. So, Shayla, tell me, what do you and your friends like about Bratz dolls? Well, we think that they have really cool clothes and that they're pretty. And do you think you're as pretty as them? No, I don't, because I have a really small head. The Bratz are depicted as having fun lives, shopping, dancing, and playing sports.
But what isn't shown is how difficult it would be to do any of those things with an enormous cranium. If you make a Bratz doll human height, the circumference of her skull would be five and a half feet. She wouldn't be able to lift her head, and the sheer weight of it would crush her spine, rendering this so-called cool girl bedridden for life.
Waters organization is spreading their message through school programs and a national ad campaign. Their goal is to reach preteen girls now and avoid dangerous consequences later. We really have to teach girls that any size head is beautiful. Otherwise, they're going to be in a plastic surgeon's office at 23 asking for cranial implants or collagen injections in their scalps. Regardless of Waters' warning, the demand for Bratz dolls continues to grow, along with parents' concerns.
I've actually seen Shayla trying things. Just the other day, I saw her hitting herself in the face with a book to try to get her head to swell. Am I gonna walk into her room and find her with a hammer to her head?
I just don't know anymore. A doll shouldn't make a girl feel bad about herself. But for millions of girls like Shayla, that message isn't getting through.
From Beyond the Facts, I'm Jean Anne Horton. Thank you, Jean Anne, for that.
Sad how our society is so focused on the size of women's heads. In business news, Lexus is recalling their top of the line LS 460, saying the car's airbags could deploy mid blow job. |
dropout | Gilchrest_Savoy_The_Wealthiest_Man_of_1906_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California. The only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Jeb Bush. And I'm Marco Pubio.
Our top story tonight, Santa Claus is real. He's been real this whole time. The only reason you thought he was fake was because your parents asked him not to come to your house because they didn't love you enough.
Santa made a public appearance with his most trusted advisor, Rudolph, to apologize for a controversial tweet in which he said, the best part of a white Christmas is the white part. That's exhausting. Mr. Claus claimed that he was the victim of cancel culture saying, Joe Biden and the rest of the Democrat scammers have made Christmas so soft. He then made a point of showing everyone that his sleigh still had a big gas-guzzling V8 engine and went on a long tangent about how mass requirements reminded him of the Nazis. We can't be surprised that Santa is a reactionary. Look at him. He's a big old white guy with a crazy beard who lives in the middle of nowhere. He looks like he's about to take a dump in AOC's office. The press conference ended abruptly when he referred to Blitzen as fruity. All in all, a shocking display from Father Christmas, old Saint Nick, Chris Kringle, Saint Nicholas of Myra, which is actually the historical saint that they believe Santa Claus was based on, Sinterklaas, that jolly old elf, Santy Claus, Fred Claus's brother.
What's the one they call him in the fucking- Papa Gigio. Yes, the Italians referred to him as Papa Gigio.
Mr. Freeze and Victor Freeze. That's correct, yes, absolutely.
If I may editorialize, I was shocked by Santa's behavior. I've always thought of Christmas as a time-honored celebration of a young woman named Mary's virginity, and I hate to see it sullied in this way. I know it was always your favorite holiday.
Aside from that, though, in descending order, what are your 25 favorite holidays? New Year's, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Memorial Day, Black Friday, Black Thursday, Black Wednesday, Black Tuesday, Black Monday, Black Saturday, Black Sunday. That's 11. Mike Trapp's birthday, Brennan's birthday, Alfred's birthday, my birthday, pizza time, Ronald McDonald's fun day, Sunday fun day, Tuesday booze day, Wednesday the day, the middle day, and that's 20, right? Oh my God, five to go. New Zealand Independence Day, Canada Day, fucking Columbia's Independence Day, presumably they have one, and Brazil's Independence Day, and Portugal Day. Tough break for Thanksgiving.
Very interesting that you didn't say my birthday. I did, but I'm sorry.
We've broken it. We busted this fucking show wide open. Fuck you, breaking news, anarchy.
Happy birthday. It would mean more if you sang to me. I will. Okay, but remember the song Happy Birthday is copyrighted, so you'll have to make up an Applebee's style birthday song. Okay, gladly. Brennan's birthday is a day that we all can celebrate.
Of all ginger man who is kind of tall. I am just kind of tall.
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Thank you.
Mr. Savoy, you were a man of great wealth in your time. I wonder, how did you live up making your fortune? In my experience, young lady, fortunes as vast as mine are happened upon not made. Lady Luck came to see me with apple red cheeks just as rosy as your own, and she blew me a kiss of gold.
Now what does that mean? Cheap Chinese labor built my railroad. I see. Shh. Mr. Savoy, is it true that you use 1906 technology to build a time machine, and that's how you find yourself here today? It is indeed chock-a-block with whirligigs and sprockets.
I set my sextant upon tomorrow and trip the light fantastic towards horizons unknown. Where in time will you travel to next? I will go to the very end of the earth itself. Why, a time when the sun is but a glowing red orb in the sky and all life has ceased to exist. I, a lone man, will stomp upon the wasteland that lies before me and think back at the follies of man and how we got to this place.
I expect it to be in about five years from now. Mm-hmm, and after that? Well, it's very funny. You should ask. After that, I will move to the time before life, before all life existed on earth, but yet there were still oceans, oceans and rock as far as you can see, a strange earth that you've seen before, one that looks very familiar, and yet there is no life, not even bones, not even algae at present. And I will march upon the land and say, here was Savoy Gilcrest, or perhaps Gilcrest Savoy, whatever my name was. And seven more times. Ah, I'm very glad you asked that. After that, my next stop will be, of course, the War of 1812, because I can barely remember what it was about and I think it would be good to have a refresher. After that, I guess, let's say 12 years in the future, just seems like a nice round number. See what's going on over there. I wonder if we love flying cars yet. My sources say no, but I expect maybe. After that, we will go to 20 years ago and I'll visit my younger self and tell them of all the horrible mistakes I've made in my life. Now, how many visits do we have left? You have four more to go.
Great, then I'm just gonna go to France right now. Why change anything? We have medicine and stuff now, just go to France. One of your time travel locations is France right now. Yes, France is lovely. Why wouldn't you go to France? You think France is better 20 years ago, 50 years ago?
We've got great technology now. They're doing wonderful things. The food scene there is incredible. I say France right now, and I'm not changing that answer.
After that, we're going to go to Australia on my favorite holiday, Brennan's birthday. Everyone's going to celebrate Brennan's birthday in the only way they know how, with a good old good day and a shrimp on the barbie.
And how many more visits do we have left? Three. Three more visits.
Well, that means that we are gonna go 100,000 years into the future. And we're just gonna see what the fuck's going on there. I bet humans won't be around anymore. And there'll just be weird little crab creatures skulling around like an H.G. Wells's classic, the time machine. After that, we will go to, I guess tomorrow. We'll just go to tomorrow, why not? Let's see what's going on there. I'll follow myself around and I'll be like, I'll just kind of mock myself, stepping like one step behind me the whole time. Be a real fucking head trip for me, Gilcrest Savoy, or perhaps Savoy Gilcrest, I don't remember. After that, we're gonna go to, I don't know, let's, oh, let's just say Victorian times.
Everyone likes that fucking shit. Very good.
Will we need sunscreen this weekend? What is sunscreen?
We turn now to Mr. Gizmo with some great ideas for at-home science experiments to do with your kids. Thanks, Fab. This past year has been a tough on curious young minds. If you got some kiddos at home who needed a little science in their lives, try making a baking soda volcano.
Okay. Ooh, fun. The kids can build a volcano out of paper mache and all you need to make it is, all you need to make it erupt is a little baking soda and vinegar, just like this. They didn't spring for the prescription goggles, huh? Yeah. Okay, whoa. I didn't. Dude. The kids will love it. Do I still do it?
Now, here are five more experiments to do with kids and an explanation of the complex scientific principles behind them. Science, baby. Paper mache, glue, water, paper. It makes it stop. It stops movement. That's one science thing.
Hit up my boy, Chris Gilroy. Gilroy Savoy. Savoy for time travel.
That's a whole experiment. Just hit him up, call him on the phone, find his number. Baking soda, vinegar without volcano.
Who knows what'll happen? Crazy, right? Put it in your hands. Will it sting? I don't know.
Light your house on fire. See what happens after that. It's more a socioeconomical experiment for your family. Try a back flip without experience. And of course you can show your children the greatest experiment of all, a parent's love.
Thanks, Mr. Gizmo. That's it for us here at Breaking News. Before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is me. As punishment, I have to improvise four tweets that might've gotten Santa canceled. Okay, love to get milk from big titty bitches. Peace.
Oh! |
SaturdayNightLive | serious_night_live_snl | Come on Kyle. our sketch was due an hour ago. we need to turn it in now. No, it needs to be perfect. I've got to keep writing, but we'll get in trouble. they don't like it when it's turned in late.
I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm going to keep on writing and I don't need to listen to you. you jealous? Hi, it's Jake Gyllenhaal, where's your sketch Mooney, You say something to me d'awg! Drugs? Are you addicted? So what Donnie Dorko? I need them to write. Uh no, what am I saying? I have so many problems and secrets.
Well, we here to listen Kyle. Yes, we want to know more about your life. Now you got here. Okay, guess it's time for me to get serious.
Hey Kyle Mooney here and I can't wait to take you behind the scenes of my new weekly segment for Snl Serious Night Live. I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm going to keep on writing and I don't need to listen to you, you jealous So, yeah, this was a fun one. I love dramatic shows and movies and I love Snl and I'm like, can we combine them? that's never been done, right? let's go behind the scenes. come on. So Serious Night Live is the new dramatic, non-comedy series I'm gonna be doing every week at the show. they don't like it when it's turned in late.
Yes, Great. Sort of an 824 meets Safkey Brothers vibe. Kind of scary, kind of sexy, but I knew I just had to nail it right. Mikey. I'm reading for the role of Mikey. let's hear it Hey Kyle, what are you working on? that's a choice. We'll be in touch man, Okay, might want to stick to sketch comedy, but so yeah, the show tackles current Snl drama. but just like Godfather 2, we also get to see Kyle's rise to get here, his troubled past growing up. as a kid named Kyle. I'll just play. the kid can like Irishman me or something. Jesus, But first, we had to get the thumbs up from the big man. Hey, Lauren. Serious Night Live.
What do we think? Kyle get out of my office?
Very biting wit. So unlike normal sketches, I had to pay about eighty five thousand dollars of my own money. The crew, the lights had to pay for the de-aging effects, which turned out great. let's make a video. Plus the drugs were actually real and that was really expensive and the guys who sold them to me sort of wanted to stick around didn't love them. but it's Serious Night Live and we got Jake Gyllenhaal and he totally brought his a game.
Whoa. Kyle. Kyle offered me $40,000 cash to act in this thing and said it was a legitimate crew. I said yes cuz I I felt bad. I don't really know the guy. he's not really on the show that much, right? that's got to be tough chillin' like a gyllenhaal dude. great. shoot. you get drinks later. Oh, sorry, dude.
I got a rehearse for the show now. no worries. happy to drink alone. Anyword if I'm in sketches this week sort of get effed over last Saturday. Well, that's a wrap on Serious Night Live. I hope you enjoyed it. I did spend a lot of money obviously on my most 40 and if this doesn't take off in a in a really big way, there's probably no reason for me to be in show business or maybe even alive.
So please just tweet about it. You. |
dropout | hardly_working_dan_does_his_own_thing | I mean, like, why would a bear need toilet paper though? Like, the commercial doesn't make sense. I mean, I think they're more civilized than we get from credit for.
Oh, uh, speaking of which, we should finish these beers and get going. Uh, Dan, you gonna come? Uh, no, thanks. I'm just gonna do my own thing tonight. Oh, come on, Dan. You haven't hung out in forever. Eh, come on, man. There's always room for one more. Honestly, it sounds fun, but really, I'm just gonna do my own thing. You know, you always say that, Dan. What are you doing when you're doing your own thing?
I don't know. Like, sometimes I'll go to the Natural History Museum and pretend to be one of the woolly mammoths. That's what you're doing tonight? Well, no, it's Friday. The museum's closed, so obviously not. It's just something I like to do. Or, like, you know that abandoned supermarket in Connecticut? No. Yeah, that one. Sometimes I'll go there and stock the shelves with food, you know, in case they're ghosts trying to shop.
Alright, see you guys later. Wait, wait, Dan. What else do you do when we're not around?
I don't know. Like, I'll go into the woods and yell at mushrooms. Stuff like that. What?
Other times, I'll just have a quiet night. You know, I'll just have dinner, brush your teeth, and go to bed.
Wait, that really happened? I thought that was a dream.
No, no, no. My high school bully, James Bargan. If I can't find him, I'll usually pass the time going to the local library and rearranging the books according to the Danny Decibel system. What is that? By, like, title, author? Flavor.
I think there's something wrong with you, Dan. Yeah? Well, then why am I the only one going down to the city dump and charging the seagulls to dine in our trash? Because there's something wrong with you.
One time I went to a fashion show and crabwalked the catwalk. Usually I just crabwalked down to the beach, you know, to mock the crabs, but doing it on stage is the ultimate rush.
Okie doke, have a great night. You too. All right, you guys want to go down to IKEA, build a loveseed out of meatballs? Yeah. Hold up. I'm going to IKEA to build a loveseed out of meatballs. What are they all about? Oh, that's great. We'll split a cap. No, I'll meet you guys there.
I want to make it so I can't find my own poops. Don't click me. Don't click me anymore, please. |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_a_total_rap_snob_hardly_working | Oh my god, I just want two free tickets to see Cardi B. You wanna go? You don't like Cardi B?
You said you liked rap. Oh, Ali. First of all, I like hip-hop. But rap, as you call it, seems to have lost its way. Today's rap is wack.
Take Yeezy, he's too obsessed with his fancy Adidas. What if it happened to groups like Run DMC with songs like... My Adidas. My Adidas, yes. Timeless. At least when Yeezy talks about his shoes, it's for like one or two lines. My Adidas was pretty much a three-minute long shoe ad. Ah, piss posh. My Adidas is a great song.
It was playing at my freshman homecoming dance where I had my first kiss. Okay, see, that's it. You don't like this music. You're just nostalgic for the time in your life when you first heard it.
I'm not explaining myself well. Take Mick Mill's ambitions. Too violent.
Yeah, it's based off a Tupac song. Yes, they got it from him. So you didn't like that Tupac song?
No, I loved it. You just said it was too violent. How could it be too violent?
It was playing on the radio the day I bought my first car. Oh, to be young again. The music is basically the same. The only difference is you're no longer at an age where it would speak to you.
You just don't understand. How I long for us to harken back to the days where rappers really honed their craft and toiled over witty word-playing, thought-provoking lyrics like, a hip, hop, a hippie, the alliteration. What? Today's rap is empty and meaningless, but when you really break down this lyric, a hip, hop, a hippie, and you compare it to, It's like night and day. One is nonsense, the other a message. Not all of today's rap is good, but the best rap of today is better than it's been for any generation.
Tilly-tally. I could never imagine Cardi B making songs about real issues, like having to eat chicken that tastes bad. Bodak Yellow is a success story. It's basically Cardi B's victory lap.
But life isn't just about success, and no one's talking about love and heartbreak. What about Drake? He talks about love and heartbreak.
Fine. What about games? Do you like Fortnite?
I prefer Paul. Favorite basketball player? Dr. J. Before he started all that dunking.
Smartphone. I'm a chirp man. Fuck it. I'm bringing Katie. Yeah! Never mind. What are you eating? Mmm. That does not hold up. Hey, what's up? It's Allie from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_261_Gavin_Fang_Tracey_Kirkland | Clancy Overall and Wendell Hussey here today and today we've decided to look back in time to a time most of us would forget, particularly Victorians would like to forget. Actually it didn't really affect Queenslanders that much. We had the corrugated Iron Curtain that was Anastasia's closed borders.
And the virus we're going to talk about, it hated the heat. It hated the heat.
That was one theory. One theory. Your grandfather's theory was the virus hated the heat, so we were alright.
But whether or not you were in lockdown or whether you were working in medicine or you were a frontline worker, the fact of the matter was you had to learn a lot of things throughout COVID, particularly things you had no business knowing, like the name of the Tasmanian Premier. But on top of that, we also had to kind of change the way we report. And there's just so much, the more you think about this, there's so much change overnight and some of it still lingers around today. Just 24 hour news cycles shrinking to 12 hour news cycles to 10 minute news cycles. All these new words we learned, mutant strain, contact traces, as I said, they're all very good band names, Avalon Cluster, Ruby Princess, all these things were happening and everyone, effectively, were building a plane while we were flying it. Today's guests have compiled and captured that moment in time in Australian media in their new book, which publishes essays from journalists right across the country that explains what happened, how things changed.
Thank you for joining us. Tracey Kirkland and Gavin Fang. Great to be here. Thank you.
And we'll see today whether there has been enough water under the bridge to talk about this, whether we hit any raw notes or draw up any memories from a tough time. I learned how to make ragu. Tell us what was the thinking to create this book, Penta Media.
Well, to be honest, we were talking a lot about the ethical issues that we're having to deal with on a day to day basis. So Gavin and I both work at the ABC and we just, this is probably in the third year of the pandemic, and we're having a conversation about these really big ethical decisions we were having to make as editorial leaders. And it wasn't that we hadn't made them before, but I think they felt really profound. And there were so many people relying on us to tell them about COVID. We felt the weight of the responsibility in deciding what we tell people, what we show people, what we prioritise. And so when we're talking about all these kind of decisions, we thought there's a story here. And then as we talked more, we thought, wow, journalists right across the country, we were in the front line. And there's so many stories to tell from across Australia. And I think there are turning points in history, right? So there is, we all remember pre-COVID, and then we remember post-COVID, but we also thought it would be worth tracking, well, what actually happened during COVID, which changed the way we do our jobs and changed the way we as storytellers are telling stories to Australians. And so we wanted to go back and really capture that and talk to the people and hear from the people that were doing the stories and setting the media agenda and the way that the public really then understood COVID.
Just on a personal level, was there a moment for both of you where the world changed? I know there was, we've spoken about the moments for us. Mine was being in another city and then going on a Bucks party for 48 hours and getting to the airport and realising the world looked very, very different. Tomorrow when the war began. The Bucks party did make it particularly scary, flying in on a Sunday night, but was there a moment for you, Tracey, where you just thought, wow, this is it. It's all changing. Wow. Look, for us, it almost changed overnight.
So one day we were all in the newsroom, all together, having our normal kind of robust editorial meetings, literally the next day, half of the office had been sent home. Our editorial meetings were on zoom and we call Gavin the tech guy, because we'd like, oh, we don't know what's going on. Can you kind of press this?
But you know, and so we had to learn that overnight and then learn how to work with half of your workforce at home. And it was literally overnight. We weren't allowed to have people in the studio anymore. From one day we could, the next day we couldn't. So it was an overnight thing. But I think for me, it was, you know, and then your kids obviously have can't go to school and, you know, all that stuff.
But walking around around the ABC and having the streets completely deserted was incredible.
And I will say some of the people talk in the essay about that moment. It is a really interesting thing to think about, because COVID came on us kind of slowly. You know, as journalists, we were hearing about it overseas and in China. And then, you know, we were looking from afar thinking, oh, we're isolated, we're OK. And then all of a sudden it was here. Well, it kind of came slowly. But then everyone has got this one point.
But it's a little bit different to kind of where were you when Princess Diana died or where were you when 9-11? A little bit different. It kind of evolved. I don't know for you, what do you think?
Well, for me, so I've got a lot of our international journos report to me. So early on, it was when I don't know if you remember, but when the virus really kind of hit New York City.
And so there were... The rolling morgues. Yeah, no, literally, exactly. They were putting out sea containers, there were bodies in sea containers. I think they made like a field hospital in Central Park.
So we have a journalist, a couple of journos based in Washington, and one of our journos, David Lipson, wanted to do a trip up to New York. And so normally, that's pretty standard trip, right, Washington to New York, it's not a very hazardous or risky assignment. An Australian could drive it easy. Correct. He was going to drive up. But we ended up in a conversation about how safe is it for you to go into New York?
And it was the classic kind of post-apocalyptic thinking.
So we were thinking, does he have to drive through New York City with the windows up in his car? Does he have to wear a full hazmat suit? Is he allowed to just to get out of the car to walk around? People are going to be banging on the windows as he goes past. Exactly. Can he just open the window and make the story? Or we're also talking about, do we have to put him in a town outside New York so we can just go in for a few hours? How long is he allowed to be exposed for?
Because we didn't know any of the answers to these questions, right, at this point. So that was the turning point for me, because we ended up saying, no, you couldn't go because we just didn't know, literally, whether or not we were going to expose him to death to the virus.
So that for me was the big turning point. And I think that was probably in the first year, in the first couple of months. So tell us, what is the thinking? What is the general consensus among the journalists? Did they all feel like they got turned, throughout this whole thing, right? That's a start. We start talking about precautions and then everyone starts getting restless and a lot of idle hands and a lot of idle minds and we start creating answers to what's happening and then you all of a sudden become the enemy of the state. Was that the feeling amongst all the journalists, that they at some point were behind this or definitely championing this? It followed a bit of a trajectory and it depends on which media organisation you were listening to, which social media platform you were reading.
Journalists, look, it was weird because people were all of a sudden accusing you of being in cahoots with the government and that you were actually part of this. And I would say to my friends, you know, this is actually me who's making these decisions. So these accusations you're making against the media, you're actually like, you know me, you know, it was almost, it was unbelievable, actually, that they were being convinced that together the media and the government were doing this to the Australian people. The ABC was working closely with Scott Morrison to lock you up.
To destroy the economy for what? Absolutely. It was very strange.
And so from inside, all we were trying to do was get you the latest information as quickly as we could do it and as accurately as we could do it. And in a sense, that's all we could do.
And that was kind of funny, too, because what happened was, you know, eventually some of the health advice started to be found to be wrong and some of the health experts started to fight. Yeah, the the goalpost changed a little bit. You know, the big one was all of a sudden young people can't get AstraZeneca. Yeah. And that was I think that was actually a critical kind of chink in the armour for the government health messaging. That's the change moment for me when you talk about where do we go from, hey, we're all in this together providing information to, hey, you guys are all providing misinformation, you know, or lots of the public starting to think that there was this conspiracy going on, to use that kind of terrible term. But it was really around AstraZeneca because one day it was like, hey, everybody, you got to go out and get this thing. And then it's like, well, hang on a minute, this is going to kill you with a blood clot. And for us, like, I can remember the conversations we had in our newsroom, which was, this is a tiny percentage chance of, of this occurring, right? So we want to report that because it's happening. But meantime, we know that people will start to hear this and think, oh, I don't want to have this vaccine now. So that's, that was a real switch when the misinformation or the idea about the misinformation from the media kicked in. And from then on in that issue and the perspective of anti-vaxxers grew to the point when, I don't know if you remember, but the protests in Melbourne where journos were getting spat on and punched and, you know, and chased around. So that was, that was a pretty significant moment.
We do talk to, or in the, in the book, Rachel Baxendale, who was the Australians Victorian political editor. So she went to every Dan Andrews press conference. So she writes about that and she's really interesting because she talks about the purple room of doom, that's Dan Andrews' room where they had the presses.
Just about the environment in there and about the information war that went on a little bit there. And that's my time, not hers. But of course, the Victorian government were trying to get across their perspective and their point of view.
And she's asking questions as a journo and she got significant backlash against her on social media, death threats, some awful things. So she talks a bit about how she copped that and how she kind of dealt with that and her idea about that. She's in a privileged position to get to ask questions, but that was, that was a pretty full on backlash.
Yeah.
It was like something we'll never see before because everyone was at home. Like everyone was stuck at home.
Like you can talk about politicised environments or pressure cooker environments, but very rarely are everyone, you know, sitting around looking for something to tee off on. Did you see any, and we probably shouldn't name names because a lot of people have made names for themselves through the pandemic. Did you see any profiles emerge?
I saw the contrarian was a very easy thing to do. I can't remember his name. He was an economist from a certain newspaper. All of a sudden just said, I don't believe in lockdowns. Everyone's like, well, that's great for an economist to say that, mate. But can he deal with the contrarian, I guess, profile boosting actions of some journalists is actually undermining the entire messaging of the whole, the whole pull together thing.
Did you think some people actually believe this or do you think that sometimes it was, That's a hard question to answer, but we read some of the papers sometimes and wonder what they believe. So I don't think that changed. Look, you need to have people who have a good sense of, look, is this really true? You know, you do need people to ask because it's part of our role as journalists to challenge what the government says, to challenge what the health experts say. I mean, up until then, we had pretty much accepted what came out of some of our major institutions would be right. And here we were faced with a situation where sometimes it wasn't right because we were all learning on the go. This is a new disease. It was moving in new ways, but also it was moving in predictable ways. So you had health experts actually kind of disagreeing with each other as well. So because of those that undercurrent of we don't always, we can't tell you exactly what the truth is, but we could tell you the latest information. Yeah, look, it gave room for people to disagree, people to make things up, people to push political agendas. And we had to just be tackling that all the time. Were there a lot of conversations about balancing what you're talking about there, holding the government to account, holding these major parties and big bodies to account with getting information out and not scaring people because it's particularly special and different time that we haven't seen before. What were the conversations like about, well, we need to get all this information out as quickly as possible, but we need to try not to scare people, but we also need to hold these powers to account and ask the tough questions that they don't want to answer. But sometimes, sometimes they don't want to answer. Yeah, they were. And I think that the other thing to go on top of that is just the speed that this was moving.
So, you know, every day we were getting new bits of information. Sometimes pieces of information were changing in the same day. So the problem for us as journalists and for the media was how do we even stay up to date with what's right right now, let alone, or what's going to be right in half an hour, let alone, you know, what's going to be right tomorrow.
The other thing about this story, right, is we were all living it. So a lot of stories you're not living, you kind of are reporting on, but we all had personal experience of this thing. So some of us were in lockdowns and whatever, you know, all of our Melbourne colleagues were essentially living through the Victorian situation. So we fully felt the weight of how do we get this right?
How do we provide the information that people want? And the information, the thirst for information was just immense, right? You spoke before, Clancy, about how everyone's sitting at home in their pyjamas, essentially watching, you know, every politician's press conference every day. And we would see our audience numbers just spike on these things, right?
And stay with us. And stay with it.
Yeah. For the whole hour, hour and a half. So, you know, and everyone's like out there on their socials tweeting, you know, Dan Andrews up in five minutes kind of thing.
Like who would have thought that these people would become kind of rock stars?
But they all had a view on what the information was as well. So everybody, in a sense, there was kind of this egalitarian system of information that was out there. We're all getting it at the same time.
So for us as journalists, our job in that situation is provide the information back to the public in the kind of tightest and most easiest way to understand. So what is the government saying about what, how your life's being affected by them? But also, yeah, to question what they are telling us.
Question the science, but follow, and this is going to be really boring, but follow the weight, what we call the weight of evidence. What is the actual weight of evidence out there? Which prevents us from going all the way out onto the crazy fringe, but sticking in the middle where, you know, we think where the experts are, where you actually think the weight of evidence kind of is.
And I think that, I mean, it was a daily discussion and sometimes an hourly discussion about how we marry those two things. And one of the writers in this book actually talks really amazingly about being a journalist.
You're so used to finding the truth quite quickly. So if there's a natural disaster, like an earthquake or whatever, a whole lot of misinformation comes out at the start, but pretty quickly you can sift through it. And by day two, you've got a really good picture of what went on. With COVID, it was just changing so quickly that what you wrote by the next day had actually been shown to be incorrect.
And as journalists, that's quite hard because we're trying to be, I can't imagine how humiliating that is. Or demoralising. Or demoralising, not humiliating, but yeah, it's like, just no one likes doing a bunch of work that was for nothing anyway, in any regard. You know what I mean? No one likes to build a house that falls over. Like spend a day on something, the next day you go, well, the thing that we were all working on yesterday has changed. Well, if truth is your bar, you know, and you feel like you're failing your audience, that's hard.
And what it meant is a lot of journalists ended up getting burnt out and actually losing their sense of purpose and actually having to leave the industry because they just couldn't cope. And I think there are a lot of other issues and what we've learned from COVID is there are other issues which have that long tail as well. The war in Ukraine, climate change, where things actually, the science changes and you've got this really long story and how you tell it and how you tell it in a way that's useful for the audience and amplifies the things that are important and prioritises the most important information. I was just going to say as well, you can see, I think, across the COVID years, the atmosphere in some of those press conferences, like imagine basically the journos and the politicians were pressed up against each other day in, day out about this same topic for two and a half years or whatever it was, some of the atmosphere got a little bit kind of grumpy.
You know, we're asking the same questions, we're getting the same answers, we're talking about the same things. Yesterday it was something different, you know, in terms of the information. So I think that was a little bit reflected in the way that dynamic played out a bit as well. I felt like there was the politician and the answers evolved. I'd never heard prior to the pandemic, what I will say is, like I'd never heard that offered as an answer and it became an acceptable one. Do you think that this followed into the election campaign? You know, all this Albanese at the start when he fumbled on the rates and there was a back and forth between the journos and the politicians, you know, Adam Bandt, I mean Morrison was getting caught out all the time, but do you think that had followed on from the, you know, I'm thinking of a number between one and a thousand, what is it Mr Albanese? Like, do you think that had followed on from the pandemic coverage? Yeah, it's interesting. I hadn't thought about that, but I suppose the more you take down the barriers between the politicians and the people asking the questions or that kind of idea that they're kind of separate and have more information than we do, you start, you don't lose respect because I think the respect still has to be there, but you lose a little bit of that kind of distance. So you are kind of a bit more, you can be a bit more familiar with the way that you're asking questions. I think as well, potentially we had a couple of years of that really kind of back and forth about, you know, getting into the information. There were a few kind of gotcha questions that emerged out of that and some of those things might've played through into that election dynamic. But the other side of that is that the politicians also understood that as well and they knew that they could recover from that and they knew that the audience also had seen a lot of journalists and press conferences in action over the past couple of years and that didn't necessarily do great things for what people think about us and our career, our profession and the way that we ask questions and that we engage on stories. I guess that, and Albanese is a perfect example of someone who probably wasn't match fit going into an election because he hadn't been in government during the pandemic and so this whole new environment that has changed, that you write about or you've compiled all these different stories of it changing, he wasn't ready for it.
I mean, we say before he lost probably two or three seats that day, you know, in the overall election result. That was a great fumble.
But he wasn't match fit. He didn't have the Dan Andrews showing up every single day for 300 days. But it probably worked in his favour, though, that he wasn't there during COVID.
It was a fresh start when one Australian needed kind of something fresh. That's happened right around the world. Yeah. And I think the other thing that's changed about the press conference is during COVID, you really saw everything. Like we miked up the journos. You saw the whole lot and you sat there.
I mean, who now is going to sit through an albo presso pressa for an hour and a half? No one. And certainly not on a daily basis.
It was it was a weird one where what you're watching on the news will affect your day. Like, you know, your life, your children. That's the thing about this story. Everybody was interested because they are affected, right? Basically, it had something to do with you. In hindsight, though, do you think, have there been conversations that you've been a part of about potentially changing how much information gets covered and how quickly things get covered moving forward? Because at the time, yeah, you'd go from one eleven o'clock press conference.
You got we got seven hundred and thirty two cases here. You're off to the eleven thirty up in Queensland. There's twenty four cases here and a cluster there.
And that was happening every single day. And obviously, the lockdowns are up. Lockdowns were coming in lifted, et cetera.
But looking back in hindsight, are there have there been some thoughts that maybe there was too much information? There was too much focus on all these little things that people got caught up in and got too invested in to their own detriment and maybe to the media's own detriment as well? Well, what I would say is that what we've thought about is trying to learn from that. I think if we look back on that time, was there too much information?
I don't know, because the audience interest was there. People wanted us certainly because I work for News Channel, which is a continuous news platform. We played all of the press conferences in full for almost all of the audience was there for it. They really. And we weren't the only channel playing it either. So there were millions of people who wanted to see that at that time and that information that day could have been different to the day before and people needed it.
But I think what we've learned from it is that and going forward is that it was all happening so fast. And unfortunately, we got caught up as journalists in doing everything so fast and across every platform and getting it out as quickly as possible and then analysing. And so I think what we've learned is that in a lot of cases, we actually need to slow down what we do. We don't have to give you something every 15 minutes. We can give you the latest information, take some time to read, analyse it before we come back to you with an update. So there's definitely lessons out of COVID that we can take forward that are going to make us better. I think our toolkit is bigger because obviously now we can Skype and Zoom and all these things and the audience is quite happy. So there is lessons we can learn, but I think it's more about slowing down what we do as news organisations, trying to explain the issues properly.
Because I think trust is a really, we've come out of this as one of the professions least trusted. And I think in your essay, you talk about Woolies and Coles are now Australia's most trusted organisation.
Oh no. They work for a while, yeah. Yeah, organisation. That's where you can get your toilet paper. Yeah, yeah.
My reflection would be similar to Tracy's. I think that this was such a fast moving thing. When you look back and you think, well, what would I do differently now? We potentially could have slowed down a bit from time to time because that information was just this wall or this becomes this huge noise that you have to as an audience kind of take in how do you make sense of it all. So for us, I think along the way, providing that information, but also providing people with a bit more of the context and a bit more of the how do I make sense of that? Like how does that sit within the five other things I've just heard within the last two days about this, trying to help people understand what's important and what's kind of less important information would be, I think, a way we would potentially tackle something like this again.
I mean, what's happened off the back of COVID potentially as a reaction from the public to that phenomena is that news avoidance, right, is just like through the roof. You know, people went from like, give it to me, the whole thing to like, I don't want to hear any more things. Please just don't tell me anything else unless it's something nice and fun, right?
And we all feel that too, like, you know, that's something that we're all grappling with. So tell me, we wrap up here, who are some of the journalists you have spoken to and have contributed to this? So they've all written their own essays from their own personal experience. We've got Michelle Grattan, we've got David Spears, Casey Briggs, Lisa Millis, Norman Swan. We've got the heads of SBS, NITV, Tory Maguire from the City Morning Herald and The Age I mean, we span, we've got people from The New York Times, Al Jazeera, we span almost all of the news organisations in Australia and we across newspapers, radio, television, all the commercials, as well as the public broadcasters. So we've got the really wide range of experience.
But at the start, Gavin and I really sat down and thought about the narrative of this book, we didn't want you just to kind of have a repeat. Everyone's kind of telling you the same thing. So we kind of shared out different topics. And so it's actually really varied what they talk about as well. And I think one of the things people don't realise is that there was a lot of trauma within journalist ranks, dealing with this every day for two and a half years. We just talked about nothing else as well as living it. And so we talk a little bit about that trauma as well and going forward as well as all the great resignation.
You just mentioned the Al Jazeera and The New York Times. Did you notice some different themes in international journalists' essays, what they were saying, or was it quite similar to what the Australian journalist was saying? So Damien Cave from The New York Times wrote for the book and he spent a fair bit of time in Australia as well. I think his reflection was he was quite shocked at the different ways that Australia, the Australian media and Australians responded to COVID and were quite happy to be told to not move 5Ks from their home and not go out and not speak to anybody and stay at home all the time as compared to the way Americans responded. And I think that was his kind of reflection. It comes down to how these two countries were founded. Correct. And then we spoke to Drew Ambrose, who used to be at the ABCs, but has been at Al Jazeera for probably 15 years.
And his essay was really looking at how some governments in parts of the world used COVID to kind of crack down on freedoms as well. And to use it as a kind of authoritarian tool and to restrict information on things that weren't about the way that they wanted either COVID or anything else to be interpreted. Stan Grant actually wrote a really amazing essay about China as well. And he talks about the virus, talks about COVID. And I can't do justice to the way Stan writes or thinks, but talks about how the Chinese government kind of human rights abuses, essentially, he compares the way that China treats people that are opposed to it like a virus as well, and the way they try to control and repress and use some of the same tactics, essentially, that were used to control a medical virus.
Lock them up, you know. Exactly. Yeah. Well, the door's shut.
I'm looking forward to going top to bottom on this. And like we said at the start, this has been like kind of a long enough time to kind of look back at all this and remind ourselves it happened. That's another thing.
I mean, you guys don't need to be reminded. As you said, you talked about nothing else for three days, three years.
But thank you for sticking with it. And thank you for keeping us informed. And now doubling down and doing this. And I hope you can get a break soon. Thank you. Thanks for having us. So do we.
Michelle Gratton, we've got David Spears, Casey Briggs, Lisa Miller, Norman Swan. We've got the heads of SBS, NITV, Tory Maguire from the Sydney Morning Herald and The Age. I mean, we span we've got people from the New York Times, Al Jazeera. We span almost all of the news organisations in Australia and we across newspapers, radio, television, all the commercials, as well as the public broadcasters.
So we've got the really wide range of experience. But at the start, Gavin and I really sat down and thought about the narrative of this book. We didn't want you just to kind of have a repeat. Everyone's kind of telling you the same thing. So we kind of shared out different topics. And so it's actually really varied what they talk about as well. And I think one of the things people don't realise is there was a lot of trauma within journalist ranks dealing with this on every day for two and a half years. We just talked about nothing else as well as living it. And so we talk a little bit about that trauma as well and going forward, as well as all the great resignation.
You just mentioned the Al Jazeera and the New York Times. Did you notice some different themes in international journalists essays, what they were saying, or was it quite similar to what the Australian journalist was saying? So Damien Cave from the New York Times wrote for the book, and he spent a fair bit of time in Australia as well. I think his reflection was he was quite shocked at the different ways that Australia, the Australian media and Australians responded to COVID, and were quite happy to be told to not move 5Ks from their home and not go out and not speak to anybody and stay at home all the time, as compared to the way Americans responded. I think that was his kind of reflection. It comes down to how these two countries were founded. Correct. And then we spoke to Drew Ambrose, who used to be at the ABCs, but has been at Al Jazeera for probably 15 years.
And his essay was really looking at how some governments in parts of the world used COVID to kind of crack down on freedoms as well. So and to use it as a kind of authoritarian tool and to restrict information on things that weren't about the way that they wanted either COVID or anything else to be interpreted. Stan Grant actually wrote a really amazing essay about China as well. And he talks about the virus, talks about COVID, and I can't do justice to the way Stan writes or thinks, but talks about how the Chinese government kind of human rights abuses, essentially, he compares the way that China treats people that are opposed to it like a virus as well, and the way they try to control and repress and use some of the same tactics, essentially, that were used to control a medical virus.
Lock them up, you know? Exactly. Yeah. Well, the door's shut.
I'm looking forward to going top to bottom on this. And like we said at the start, this has been like kind of a long enough time to kind of look back at all this and remind ourselves it happened. That's another thing. I mean, you guys don't need to be reminded, as you said, you talked about nothing else for three days, three years.
But thank you for sticking with it. And thank you for keeping us informed. And now doubling down and doing this. And I hope you can get a break soon. Thank you. Thanks for having us. So do we. |
dropout | hardly_working_why_so_numerous | Kill. The Bat. There. Go.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, what's going on here? I was supposed to be the only Joker here today.
Here's my card. You know how I got these scars? I was opening a can of tennis balls with my mouth, and my dad just came up and cut my face. It was so random. Here's my card.
Guys, listen. There's plenty. There's plenty of room for three Jokers each year. Your entrance was good. His was better. The difference? Showmanship.
I'm sorry? Riddle me this. Riddle me Riddler.
Was from Batman forever? The midnight screening was sold out. $30,000 to start your own business! You were Matthew Lesko from the Informer Fools and Catwoman and you didn't even end the new Batman. What's Batman? What's Batman, right?
Ah, God. Oh, hey. Want to hear a joke? Come on, man. You don't look like anything from Batman. Oh, are you kidding? I love the Jokester. And all those guys. Freeze Man.
Double Face. Cat Lady. Burt Ward. Darth Maul. The Velveteen Rabbit. |
SaturdayNightLive | glamgina_snl | Thanks for seeing me on short notice. I know you have a really busy schedule, but me thinks I know why. Cutest gyno in town. Oh, yeah, well, hey, if anyone reports inflammation for that long, I get concerned.
All right, let's take a look. Whoa! yes, doctor? see something you like?
No, dude, it's just, uh, did you, uh, did you put makeup on it? Well, not just any old makeup, Doc. I used Glamgina makeup for your other face. no, no, no, no. you can't put makeup down there. And I'm sorry, did you? did you give it a smoky eye? I sure did. crouched over a mirror like a frog. that's the only way to do it.
Whoa, hey, you're not supposed to be in here. thanks to Glamgina. now my snatch looks snatched. that's the magic of glamgina. where are you guys coming from? the parking lot. lip plumping, gloss, side effects may include vaginal migration. migrating where? hey, maybe now I'll be able to score a date with that cute gyno. Hey, I do not want to date you. I'm married. Okay, says the guy staring at her vagina. what's wrong, Doc? is it my hair down there? Cause we've got a product for that too. yeah, I could tell. hold on a minute, ladies. fine, you get down there. the window. So you're putting makeup on it just to score a date with your cute gyno?
Not to be a bitch, but that's not feminist. Hey, I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing it for me. because when I take a picture of it with the flash on, I want something that I'd be proud to show my family. All right, you know what? I'm just gonna give you an antibiotic shot, Okay?
Hi, girl, you have to know, is glamgyno hard to wash off? Not at all. just spray some windex on it and go to town. Do Not put windex on it. it's not a glass coffee table, geez. I don't know. it checks out to me and use makeup on my face. why not use makeup on my choo choo? almost the same amount of people see it.
Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Totally. I got a question. What?
You know, my wife and I are thinking about trying something new, so I guess what I'm trying to ask is, do it work on booty holes? Glamgyno, it does work on booty holes. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_alaska_airlines_buys_hawaiian_airlines_calendar_of_conservative_women_snl | So Vassa Stallone traveled to Philadelphia to celebrate the city's first ever Rocky Day. Although, I'd say that if you're living in Philadelphia, every day is a pretty rocky day. Oh.
Alaska Airlines has announced plans to buy Hawaiian Airlines for nearly $2 billion. Alaska and Hawaiian combined will be called technically American Airlines.
It was reported the inmate who attacked Derek Chauvin, the police officer who killed George Floyd, stabbed Chauvin 22 times, but Chauvin still wouldn't stop choking him. All right. Nick Cannon revealed that he spends up to $200,000 every year taking all 12 of his children to Disneyland. that's how bad condoms feel. Some Google users are upset after the company's Ai software mistakenly labeled innocent pictures of their children as child porn. this is completely unacceptable, said people who were looking for real child porn. Convicted of throwing a burrito bowl at a Chipotle worker has been sentenced to spend two months working in fast food restaurants. fast food, where your job is other people's jail. A self-described anti-woke beer company has created a calendar which features, quote, the most beautiful conservative women in America, which is just a polite way of saying flat asses. Buffalo Bills coach, Sean Mcdermott apologized after giving a speech to his players where he used 9-11 terrorists as a good example of teamwork, which is kind of a full circle moment because when Osama Bin Laden was giving the terrorists a pep talk, he told them not to be like the Bills. a gym teacher in Florida was arrested after he threw a basketball at a sixth grader and then elbowed him in the mouth, knocking out his front tooth. the teacher was forced to resign and return to the Golden State Warriors. Alaska Airlines has announced plans to buy Hawaiian Airlines for nearly $2 billion. Alaska and Hawaiian Combined will be called technically American Airlines. It was reported the inmate who attacked Derek Chauvin, the police officer who killed George Floyd, stabbed Chauvin 22 times, but Chauvin still wouldn't stop choking him. All right. Nick Cannon revealed that he spends up to $200,000 every year taking all 12 of his children to Disneyland. that's how bad condoms feel. Some Google users are upset after the company's Ai software mistakenly labeled innocent pictures of their children as child porn. this is completely unacceptable, said people who were looking for real child porn. A woman in Ohio convicted of throwing a burrito bowl at a Chipotle worker has been sentenced to spend two months working in fast food restaurants. fast food, where your job is other people's jail. A self-described anti-woke beer company has created a calendar which features, quote, the most beautiful conservative women in America, which is just a polite way of saying flat asses. Derek. Buffalo Bills coach Sean Mcdermott apologized after giving a speech to his players where he used 9-11 terrorists as a good example of teamwork, which is kind of a full circle moment because when Osama Bin Laden was giving the terrorists a pep talk, he told them not to be like the Bills. a gym teacher in Florida was arrested after he threw a basketball at a sixth grader and then elbowed him in the mouth, knocking out his front tooth. the teacher was forced to resign and returned to the Golden State Warriors. ["the Golden State Warriors"] |
cracked | we_re_back_a_dinosaur_s_story_review_aka_chastity_flakes | Welcome to crack movie club the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better. I'm your host Jordan breeding and I'm joined by my co host Jesse and Ali do you see that that was about as professionals we've ever done that was really good that was smooth felt like it again and actually record. Let's fuck it up this time.
Oh no I messed up. Oh my god. Literally. That's like 20 seconds. Oh my god.
I mean I'm sure this is going to be a huge hit with all the, the obvious monetization for people who are big fans of we're back at dinosaur story. Yeah, we're going to get a whole influx of like, I don't know, four year old fans that for this one. I hope, yeah right because four year olds are watching this movie actively. No, I think we're going to trick a lot of people with this thumbnail of a dinosaur riding Spiderman and be like, Oh, is this Jurassic World Dominion, that's interesting.
I thought I was at least going to have like a little headshot or a funny picture and not just a black screen where my face should be. I mean what do you want me to. I can't do anything about it for me. I don't know when I talked about it earlier I was like hey my, I won't be able to have the camera on because the long story short, something happened to my building and all the internet is really spotty and not great and it's like fine if I don't have my video on my videos on, I get disconnected. So I told Jordan this early just you know in the hopes that we'd like have a funny little image like maybe my face on a dinosaur but it turns out nothing. How do I do that. Tell me how to do that and I'll make it happen. I don't know how to do anything you're asking me how to do anything I'm the one who cursed in the first 20 seconds. We used to be little, little people on sticks there's got to be something technology advanced so far in the last nine months.
Somebody says that it's 5am in Tokyo so we got to we got to hurry up. Good morning. Actually should be the opposite. Why would you go to bed now. It's 5am it's already give up man it's already tomorrow. Wake up. Alright so real quick.
For those of us that haven't watched this before and haven't already signed off or aren't in frickin Tokyo. The deal is that at the end of this we're going to take any comments or suggestions or alternate movie titles that we think are interesting and we'll talk about them at the end of the podcast. So throw them in your respective chats and I will do my best to flag them and we'll talk about it. This is what I just said. But it's visual in case you're more of a visual learner and Jesse what did we watch and like recap it. We watched we're back a dinosaur story or was it a dinosaur tail story?
Because they already had American tail. They already had American tail.
I can't they can't double.
Oh, okay. Yeah, this movie was certainly going for novelty. It was okay.
So it's an animated saga about a very nice dinosaur who is basically nice. He was a nice dinosaur the whole time. Essentially it's it's about these dinosaurs that get kidnapped by a mad scientist from our time who's learned how to do make all sorts of inventions including a time machine.
A radio that broadcasts all the hopes and dreams of children. Probably some other stuff. So he goes back in time. He decides that the best way to fulfill all the hopes and dreams of children is to kidnap dinosaurs make them sentient and nice and bring them to the present and let little kids see them. Which by the way, that's the best setup. That's like I know what everyone in the world wants, particularly children and I have future technology and I can do anything.
And what I think is the most net good is to make dinosaurs sentient so kids can see dinosaurs. And were they wrong because those kids seemed really happy and it also was like a weird like meta. It's also like how we all had Dino, Dino craze. Yeah, they had to meet Julia Child and sort of the natural history museum. It's so funny that it's like, why, why bother with this is insanely elaborate setup to just have dinosaurs be there. It's kind of there to make children happy, specifically New York children at the National History Museum. That is actually the most equitable place to put the dinosaurs because any kid who's interested in dinosaurs lives in New York. They're already making a pilgrimage to the Natural History Museum to see the bones.
You know what I'm saying? It's either that or Chicago where Sue is or whatever it is. Also, if this guy's a time traveler, why doesn't he go just a few more decades into the future where the internet exists and go ahead and put them anywhere, anywhere safe and let cameras. Now see, I love that idea because that means that the inventor of the internet would be film writer, John Patrick Shanley. And that I really admire. I also think I also think, oh, shoot, we got we got to think what's happening.
Somebody gave us five euros, pounds. I don't know anything outside America. Simoleons.
Thank you. Royal. Jesse, you do more anime. How do you? Vegeta, my man. 83.
I took my kids to watch more or less every regular and animated movie in the cinema this year that they can watch. And I have to say, Bell wins 2022.
I don't even know what that is. But I've said it. And that's that's our official stance at crack. So I know. Yeah, sorry. Just go ahead. We'll get to all this stuff. Oh, look at that. Devin Bimes in the chat. That's my he was the best man in my wedding. He helped write the first 20 episodes of Your Brain on Crack with me. So. Wow.
So you're saying that you're saying that you trust Devin's opinion. And if Devin says that he likes this movie. No, I don't trust him.
I know you're going to be mad at me because I'm the one who said that I love this movie as a kid. And then you sent a lot of texts saying and this is a this is an exact quote from Jordan's mouth. I hate your guys's childhoods.
Yeah. He said that he said those exact words. After all the messed up stuff we all have learned about Jordan's childhood to for him to say he hates ours is a deep scar. Yeah. Well, I don't care. So is it really dinosaurs? Like it makes sense. It's essentially from the point of view of John Goodman's T-Rex. Right. Yeah.
There's storytelling devices within this movie. It starts off with like quite a few narrators and then it ends with a note. Like one of my favorite things about this movie is that at the end of the movie, the guy who's the professor like turns and does a direct address to the camera. And it's like, and that's that. And then it zooms out again. And then John Goodman's T-Rex character ends the movie again again with another narrative device within the narrative device within the narrative device.
Big fan. Don't forget, I have to close the loop on this weird bird family. I was just hanging out. Yeah.
Why is the bird able to talk? Are there any other animals that can talk?
Wow. He probably ate grain grain. Exactly. Well, okay. So Aaron K wanted to, we got to make sure that we mentioned they're smart because they ate cereal. Yeah. Brain. Brain grain is the cereal that makes him smart. And then brain drain is like the pill that his evil counterpart gives him to make them like angry and dumb again. So here's my question.
Really quick, his evil twin brother with a different last name. Well, he changed it when he got his screw eye. It's pretty similar. Okay. Like his name was Dr. Octavius. He didn't, he was named wasn't Dr. Octopus. And then oh my God, what a weird coincidence that now I have an octopus. Like I was saying, like he changed his name to Doc Oc. Yeah. But his name was already new eye and then he got a new eye.
It just happened to be a screw. Yeah. That's the thing that makes no freaking sense. They work backwards from screw eye. That's true. That is the thing that makes no freaking sense. Well, granted. So here's the thing.
If, if brain grain, this thing that he literally force feeds the good guy force feeds the dinosaurs, this like just sloppy gross brown cereal. Are we all familiar with how Kellogg's cornflakes started as a way to keep people from masturbating?
I did know that. Grandcracker in general too. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly.
So it's like a very bland thing that it's supposed to like to be stuff. You stuff your maw with this bland, gross thing.
You won't have naughty thoughts anymore was the idea of Mr. Kellogg. So I wonder if there's something, if this is a parallel of that, like you are smarter. You, you, you operate on a higher level. If you eat this awful cereal and you don't ever J.O. And then, then you regress if you get into drugs. Wait, what is the there's some movie where that happens, right?
Where they're literally, no, it's Seinfeld. It's an episode of Seinfeld. Seinfeld where they have the bet who can go the longest without jerking off. And George becomes like a genius because finally not thinking about sex all the time.
I think that's it. I think you nailed it.
Also, apparently, nobody in this movie has ever seen a hot dog. I don't know if you saw the hot dogs in the movie. They don't look like hot dogs at all.
They look like hot dogs that actually brought me back to when I was little and I visited Norway. I hate your childhood. Well, yeah, I did too in the instance when I had to eat a foreign hot dog because some hot dogs actually do have that like casing and stuff. They're more like a sausage or I think maybe hot dogs originally started out that way, but it's definitely gross. I didn't make any sense. Why did they eat so many damn hot dogs that didn't look like hot dogs? Well, you're eating hot dogs because you're in New York, baby.
But they went in New York yet they were on the zeppelin from that's actually true. That's actually true. They did end up in New York and they actually stopped an armed robbery and process and got some hot dogs. But sorry, exactly.
We're spiraling off. Ali, why did we watch this movie? We have to have a reason before we just keep spinning forever.
We have been talking. This movie has sort of been in our consciousness for random reasons. One, because we were talking about how much you hate our childhoods. Two, because we were talking about we saw we watched Moonstruck, which is John Patrick Shanley joint. And then something else came up recently where we were talking about like the dino craze of the 90s.
And this movie came to my mind because it was like one of my very, very favorite movies as a kid. And like it's one of those weird ones where if you bring it up, it's either met with I love that movie. You are my best friend. Or I've never heard of that movie. You must have made it up in your mind. Like this other movies of this for me were like a member. Like there was like little Nemo adventures in slumber land.
You either know it and you're like, oh, my God, Ali, no way. Or you're like, you're making that up.
There was a troll in Central Park. Like there were a lot of like, oh, yeah, Ninja Turtles. Ninja Turtles go to camp.
Is that true? See, I don't know. There seems to be a sub sect of these 90s animated movies that were not like the big Disney releases and weren't even like the huge Don Luth ones that were like An American Tale or All Dogs Go to Heaven that were like these sort of like under the radar hits. And either you like knew them, loved them, can bond with people over them or you sound like a psychotic trying to explain them. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. Jordan's got his friends in the chat.
For me, I I loved this one. I love this movie so much. And I like I can't tell if it's because like when I was a kid, I like likes that movies took place in New York because I like grew up in New York City. So like for me, it was fun because I was like, that's where I live.
Oh, I was picturing you in that crowd or as the little kid that sounded like Maggie Simpson. See, now I actually picture myself as Louie, the little boy. Okay, as this podcast resident resident scam, we don't have little scams like this movie anymore. We have lost this trope of just like a kid who's like 40 years old, but is a child.
And it's like had so many great lines that were just like, where was the one about the kissing that I really like? Yeah, I was like, hey, what are you doing kissing me like? Yeah, he was like, what are you sappy? I was like, I'm obsessed.
Like this child doesn't exist in movies anymore. And we really lost. We really lost the genre of a little scam.
Yeah, yeah. The the only piece of pop culture media that's referenced Charlottesville, although I'm sure we'll get some some documentary about the rallies or something. But is there's a Tom Clancy novel where terrorists go into our our small mall and start shooting it up. But then the hero shoots them.
And as one of them gets hit in the spine, and he's sort of dying, but he's paralyzed. They drag him out of the Disney store to the to the legends sports store and put a football in his hands because he's Muslim. And so he's touching pigskin as he dies.
And I was like, Hey, I actually know how you could do that. I've been to that mall several times. That's odd. And then he could go to the blueprints or babbages. Yeah. Anyway, see some things take place in your hometown. You're like this. I love this now.
When I was a kid, my favorite cartoon was I know it doesn't take place in New York, but like in my mind, it was was Hey, Arnold. Anything that was like kids in a city.
I was like, yeah, for sure. Not in New York. I thought it definitely was. I always thought it definitely was. And then somebody recently was like, No, what about this? And I was like, Okay, I guess you're right. I don't know. In my mind, it was always New York City.
Hey, I was also identified with them. Yeah. Hey, it was also childhood favorite of mine due to the prevalence of gadgets. Yeah, lots of gadgets. For me, it was a lot of kids, scamps, girl bullies, you know, things that I like. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sounds like you.
So back to this actual movie that we're talking about. I at least agree with your hypothesis. I had seen it and totally blanked on it. But the whole time I'm watching the movie, I remember all of the things because for people that haven't seen it, as insane as that intro is, they go through New York, that's insane. But it ends up the last third of a movie is at a haunted circus, essentially, or like a creepy, like a horror circus, which I guess we're supposed to think is bad.
But like, it's very popular. It's also told pretty explicitly that it's in Central Park, right? Like, like the kid in the beginning of the movie when he meets up with the dinosaurs is like, well, if you get me to Central Park, I'll help you get across the park or whatever it is. And it's like, dang, permanently? Do they have a permit? Like, I can't. I guess this creepy circus just is in Central Park all the time.
Yeah, it just sounds like he's he's like an entrepreneur. He just found what the people wanted. And it's scary stuff. And he's doing it.
I mean, he's he's signing children to nonspecific contracts, I guess, which is not nice. Magic contracts. Yeah, they can't possibly be binding spooky. Well, it was signed in blood. So it's automatically binding forever. How did the so at the end, the clown who befriends the kids, he's also in servitude to district kooky eyes or whatever.
How did he get how did he quit? I feel like you can't just quit.
He probably signed in blood or semen. Well, either way, screw eyes was eaten to death by crows. Oh, I love that. Was he eaten or did he just return to whence he came? So spooky. His eyeball fell out. So I think they ate everything with the eye. His body just is subsumed by these crows.
And then in silence, they're there and then they're gone. And then the screw tumbles to the floor.
There were a couple moments that I mean, look, is the script good? No, of course it isn't. Yes, I would say that this that this movie dares to ask what if you had some protagonists who didn't want anything like the number one rules of writing anything is like you need to have like main characters who like want something or afraid of something like you need to come up against some semblance of a conflict. Like genuinely nothing happens to these protagonists in the movie and then the movie's over and end of movie. But there are some like lines that stand out to me. I'm like, oh, a playwright wrote this. And I like there is a part where okay. Please let no bad happen.
There's a part where Julia Child as the as the dinosaur professor says, oh, I missed them with my endless shameless lateness. Oh, yeah. Shameless and lateness. It's like, who would ever say that? But I'm like obsessed with the idea that this character is just like, I'm always late. Well, that's me.
I'm not going to change. I'm too old to change.
She's like, I felt like I learned so much about that character in that moment. I love that whole thing, too, because it's like I have a future Zeppelin and I can travel through time, but I can't actually get you to where you're trying to go. I'm just going to air drop you. Yeah, like it's general area or night.
But then at the same time, there's apparently a woman there who's aware of the existence of sentient dinosaurs and is going to pick them up but can't be bothered to show up on time for endless shameless lateness. Just because she's just like, oh, I know there will be dinosaurs, but like I got I got something to do.
Oh, by the way, on the evil circus, the first thing I noticed when they show up and it's like, oh, everything here is scary. They have a they have a frozen yogurt stand, which is just scary. Well, it's so delightful. I was like, what is this?
Well, I guess is that it's not it's not it's not ice cream. It's custard. I don't eat that.
Yeah, I just thought that was amazing. Allie, when you say like the the protagonist didn't want anything, technically what they wanted was for human children in the future to be happy, which like, yeah, there's a moment where when they have gained like sentience, they talk about being like remorseful of being monsters. I was being like, I think of all the things I ate and stepped on and then there's like a little lizard under his foot.
Yeah. And sorry, sir. And so I guess they have like gained morality. But like, again, like there's no moment in the movie where they're like, no way we can't eat Dr. Screw eyes. I mean, it'd be easy to but it would make us bad, bad people. They do do that. Not really.
Well, no, the kid says, like, I'm going to go out there. I'm going to kill. I'm going to, you know, punch him right in the penis.
And the girl's like, you can't.
Yeah. The boy and the girl is not. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. I will say the moral of the story, if there is one, is you should make up with your parents because that's what it ends on. They're like, yeah. And then the kids, they went home and they they made up with their parents.
And that's why you little bird who ostensibly I've been telling this entire story to should should go back to your mom. Like, because it opens with him being like, Mom, I don't like hanging out with you. You're too costly to me. You make me weak. And then at the end of the he's like, actually, I've got a story for you about why you should be nice to your mom.
And it has nothing to do with parents. It's everything to do with time travel and sentient dinosaurs and the power of horror and fear.
And also a brief lesson on that's comedy, like the clown being like comedy. You don't know comedy.
Yeah. And then at the end, he's like, and that's why you should love your mom. And he's like, you're right. Thank you.
Yeah, there's also a line in the beginning of this where, first of all, it takes place on Thanksgiving, which I think is great. I just like any movie that's like, and surprise this takes place on Thanksgiving.
And that kid wanted the Thanksgiving hat. That was her greatest wish.
Just love it. But then at one point, the Lisa Simpson girl says, my father's very business and my mother's very social. And I was like, again, a line that I could only dream of writing. It's like, it's so obvious, but it's like, so what a way to say it. I love it.
It's also it was also great how she talks so so like hoity toity compared to the little scamp guy who's like the perfect little Brooklyn scamp. Like, yeah, she talks in a way that like, nobody talks anymore. So there were documentary about these like two super rich brothers in New York, who they they spoke in this way that like, they were the last of their kind to speak that way.
And it felt like that's what this little girl came from. She does something that doesn't exist anymore. He does accuse her of being a debutante. And she goes, Yeah, that's what I am. Yeah, like, Oh, all right. She's she's she's like, her little hormones are raging because all she wants is a kiss and she will get it. She literally tricks him into thinking it's his idea.
Yeah, I just, there's something fun about these like kid characters that I feel like as an archetype don't really exist in kids movie anymore. Like, I think kids movies have made kids kid characters a little more smart isn't quite the right word because they're not not like, like, um, sassier more like an audience stand in like the kid is always the one who's like, Oh, yeah, this kid, this guy's crazy. I'm the one who's as smart as the audience, if not smarter. Do you know what I mean? Like, these kids are just like putzes and I like, like, these kids are like, are like super self sufficient and it's more like the show, the movie or show is about them like this kid feels like, like an Arnold, maybe or like, like a Harry at the Spy this reminded me of that that was something I watched like as a kid, was like, they're very self sufficient, and they're not like sort of, they don't care about the audience. This is their adventure, you know.
Yeah, it's my only addition to this is that I hate I think this was an older movie thing where they where they do, like, shots where you're supposed to think that the the underage girl character is extremely attractive because you're seeing it from the boys perspective, but I just feel weird. I just think it's weird to have like a she's like got these huge eyes is kind of looking at him and I'm like, I think Jordan did when it's waiting for a corner, whatever. It's weird when it's another 12 year old. It just Jordan did send us a did send us a screencap while he was watching it and just said, I have sinned.
Well, technically, I sinned because a woman in a mermaid outfit brandishing an American flag popped out of an oyster, which just by the way, that has nothing to do with anything that's actually that's actually the circus. No, that was that was the clown proving that he understood comedy, right? Yeah, he was giving in his badge and he was saying, I'm for I'm forfeiting all of my jokes and gags. And one of them is a super hot lady with a pretty average boyfriend, like popping out of a clown. That was very funny.
I also like what for a movie of of this movie's quality, which is debatable. I certainly loved it. So it's not, you know, let's not forget that. But like, you know, it's not like a classic. They hauled some pretty significant voice talent, considering it was like led by John. Yeah.
And then the the clown that we're talking about is Martin Short, one of my favorite people of all time. And then there's real Perlman as just the the the the mother of the little bird, which is wild.
She had like two lines. Jay Leno was the alien that had like two lines. Walter Cronkite was Captain New Eyes.
Yeah, really quick. And Andrew L. Case gave us five bucks and said we should watch Willow because I just watched Willow for the first time about two weeks ago growing up. So maybe we should do that sometime. I mean, I really actually enjoyed it. It's sort of it's sort of amazing that I've that I'd never seen it as like a kid who would have probably lost their mind for Willow. It was really fun.
Sorry. So I was going to say speaking of how uncomfortable it is that they made like the little kid like love story pretty front and center. Yeah.
At the very end, after she like corrupts him into kissing her. That's when the horny lady pterodactyl sidles on up to the T-Rex and said, and it's like, yeah, this is the right moment. Oh, yeah, the kids make out and now's the right time to make my move and talk about full grown adult dinosaur sex.
Yeah, she's like, I want to lay an egg with you or something like that. Yeah, the way you look at me makes me want to lay an egg. My goodness. Previously, previously, when we first meet her, she's somebody accuses her of having laid an egg and she's like, oops, Sally. So like, I thought maybe that meant that was supposed to be like, she's been hooking up with the other.
So this is a pro abortion movie. Well, well, well, well, she just lays an egg and drops it doesn't care. Oh, that's true. An unfertilized egg is a human being, I guess. Really aggressive, Jordan.
Sorry, I don't know where we're supposed to land all those things. But the pterodactyl, the lady pterodactyl decides that she wants to pop out an egg and have a T-Rex sperminate it. I mean, that's that's our new title for this. We're better or sperminate a dinosaur story.
But yeah, like I think you either have an affinity for these kinds of movies because they were part of your childhood, maybe not even this specifically this one, but like these movies of this oeuvre or you don't. And I don't think you can like suddenly just decide you like them as an adult. I think you have to be like, yeah, I used to watch The Pebble and the Penguin.
And then some of you are going to go, what? And then other views are going to be like, Mm hmm.
Definitely that shape as a person. Sorry, I'm sorry, I've got they got the Louis disease. I'm turning back to New York's camp that I was born as.
Well, I feel like I feel like it's just because as an adult, you start to notice things, even if it's a little bit more subconsciously where like there are lots of scenes where there is no music, just dialogue. And there's weird, awkward pauses between all the all the lines. And there's not really anything going on. It's not like an action scene.
So they're just like, hey, do you need that brain stuff? And they're like, yeah, you want to you want to eat a hot dog? I stepped on a lizard and you're just like, put some music in there or something. They'll just have like whirring machinery noises. I think some of it might be a lot of slurp. Oh, they're here.
Naked HD. Eighty four percent have already found love with us. Eighty four. That's like a big wave. That's not great. Naked HD.
What happens when you get when you get to one hundred? You have to shut down. Well, no, then you sell it to Meta or or Jeff Bezos or whatever.
Yeah, I think I will say the animation itself and the art and the backgrounds and stuff were really cool. They were really good. And I think some of the times maybe what you're noticing with the silence is like those dramatic like like when he's peeling the lizard off of his foot, it was a lot of frames to do that. You know, so I feel like they like lots of eating and slurping and snorting sound. Dude, when when the triceratops was outside of like a cheese shop and licking the glass.
Yes.
The like the lines on his face were so intricate. He was if he could he was laying an egg in that moment. It was a sexual experience for him and me.
Yeah, it was like the sounds were so potent. I don't know how else to explain it like it wasn't just the sound mixing. It was the quality and care that went into the sounds. Yeah, a lot of I remember that from when I was a kid. There were some great echoey sort of stuff like when the clown was going going off the handle at the end when he was further away.
He sounded like he was in a warehouse and I don't. That is true. Or did it in a warehouse? Yeah, they sent Martin short to a warehouse and they wouldn't let him out until he was done with all of his lines for her back. Until he proved what comedy was.
Yeah.
I think I think the reason you would like this movie as a kid in particular is just because of the sheer randomness of what like there's no conceivable way you could guess what's going to happen next. Not that that necessarily matters, but I kind of feels like up in that sense, but up is the much higher quality version of this where there's not really an easy way to guess what is going to happen. Like beat by beat and up because it's like, oh, sad old man and his house is flying to the Amazon.
There's a talking bird and dog. Well, there's a talking dog. There's a crazy bird and there's a dog Zeppelin from hell.
Yeah. And the dogs can fly the airplanes, which is what my mom said was the quote unquote, not believable part of up together. And on the way out, my mom was like, I really love that movie until the dogs started flying the airplanes. And I was like, why? And she's like, well, dogs don't fly airplanes. They're so not believable. It took me out of the movie. Like up until that point, all checked out. The dogs flew the airplanes.
She was not going to buy it. She was like, is this a documentary? I don't, I don't know why that was like the thing. Okay.
Part of what I liked about this movie as a kid that I 100% remember as being part of why I like this movie is that it's scary. And like, I liked, I liked things that were like kids entertainment that verged on a little too scary for me. Like I loved Are You Afraid of the Dark? And almost all of the animated movies that I like remember watching a lot had sequences that were like really pretty genuinely spooky. One of them is Little Nemo Adventures in Slumberland.
Again, I know I'm going to sound like I'm lying, but it was a dubbed movie that was from Japan that was so scary. And there was another movie that was called The Thief and the Cobbler, which has a very crazy production history. It honestly could be a cracked video about like the amount of times this movie was like bought, sold, redubbed. I think I know what you're talking about. It's like it took like over 10 years to animate. And yes, the animation is spectacular, but it's also really, really scary. And there's just something about I think you either like have that messed up thing in your brain or you don't. But I had the messed up thing in my brain and I like wanted to be scared. I actually had this this this guilty bad dad moment where I put my daughter and I. My older daughter and I were watching Princess and the Frog, which I don't know if you've seen this, but it has like the bad guys like a voodoo.
He's scary. He walks through shadows. Yeah, yeah, it's relatively intense.
But it was just me watching the kids and I was at work. My wife was at work and the our other daughter woke up. And so I went to like rock her and I had to do all the stuff and I come back and Swede's eyes are so big.
And she's like, I didn't like the scary part. It's like, oh, sorry. Life's getting scary. Voodoo isn't real. Yeah, but it's just funny because it's the first time she's seen anything scary at all because she hasn't watched anything on her own necessarily.
I've always been there to be like, nothing happens in this part. They're singing again. Yay.
But what is this new emotion? It is a it is a bitter type of joy. I'm not like it. Yeah, I felt bad about it. I don't know.
Maybe she'll be like, oh, that now I now I've got the adrenaline bug. What else is scary? Oh, she's got the adrenaline, but she just like jumps off of things. She's just perpetually injured because she's scootering or cartwheeling or whatever. Thank God you're shielding her from the scary parts of movies while she's out jumping off a roof. Yeah. She's got to she's got to go to the school of hard falling off of roofs.
At least my favorite game is I would actually go to Central Park with my friends and we would dare each other to jump off the highest rocks. And we'd see who was too scared to jump off the highest rocks was great.
And loser had to join the evil circus. Yeah, loser loser has to become a monkey.
Gotcha. We'll be like growing up in New York really different. And I'm like, I don't think so.
Did you jump off of high rocks? And I'm like, I jumped off of high rocks.
That was basically it. There you go. I didn't have rocks. Pretty flat land. You start. Go ahead.
I was going to say also on the subject of how this is similar to modern movies. So you know how a lot of like kids movies will just like be beat after beat of like, OK, what are kids into? You know, like they like Fortnite. They're like dancing. They like you know, like they'll just like throw in like the modern things that kids know and love. And back whenever this was written, I don't know when the book is actually written, but it was like, yeah, what do kids love? They love parades and circuses and, you know, like hot dogs, hot dogs.
Yeah. And one song in the movie. Yeah. Just a lot of these movies also had like they weren't like full on musicals, but they had like one musical number.
Also, this one was written by the guy who wrote the song She Blinded Me With Science. Not familiar with that song, but you're going to say she bangs. No, no. The song called She Blinded Me With Science.
It's really good. And it's written by a guy named Thomas Dolby. And then in the finale, the song was performed by Little Richard.
So they didn't. They hold some big talent. They really did.
I didn't read up on the production, but I don't know. Yeah. So yeah, it was interesting. Well, I was just reading a little bit about the background because I was wondering how and why.
So like a big part of what's interesting about this movie is that it's produced by Steven Spielberg's entertainment or production company Amblin. Steven Spielberg's nephew.
Yeah, his friend Jeff. Actually, they'd never they're just like pen pals from the foreign exchange program.
I'm just going to keep running with it. And so it's ostensibly should be good. But there were like four directors on it. They were adapting. The book they're adapting was 20 pages long, had no antagonist, had no plot, really. It was literally like dinosaurs. New York City.
Isn't that crazy? Hey, look, we got another thing, by the way. Paige Casanova gave us five dollars and said, love this movie growing up. I wish they included the Screw Eye backstory scene. It's on YouTube. It kind of rounds them out. That's interesting. I'd love to learn more about that. Also, what was that?
They cut scenes given that it was only like an hour and five minutes, ten minutes long. It was blessedly short.
Maybe it was too scary. Maybe they were like, no, no, no, this is too scary for the kids. It's going to mess them up.
Yeah. Well, thank God for that. The Amblin Entertainment animated movies of the 90s. And I got to say, these were all my favorites. Well, because they were. Are you kidding? Never watched that. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
OK, it was amazing. An American tale was amazing. Yeah, the five goes west was amazing. And before time, you were the best ones.
One of the directors on this, again, of which there were four, had got pulled off halfway through to go make Balto. So like a lot of these people, it is Pixar esque in that everybody was kind of working on everything at the same time. And somehow this just got shat out while they were making again. Yeah, five goes west and the fight like an American tale and Balto. There's a lot of great stuff in there.
This one. I mean, kids, well, kids didn't like it. This movie freakin bomb. I think it's something that I know you're saying you like it. I hated it. And historically, so did other kids. Well, it's not even that it's just like I think I think it must have I didn't look into this, but it must have been one of those things where it was just prominently displayed at Blockbuster or it just happened to be on PBS 3000 times. Like there's no reason ostensibly that anybody should have seen it because only made like nine million dollars in theaters, which is pretty bad.
I had a VHS. That's how you watched anything back in the day is some family member said, here, have this and make this a big part of your personality for the rest of your life. Yeah, you know, just a lot. That's such a good point. I bet it's just like how important thumbnails are to the modern Internet. All this needed was really good looking animated dinosaurs on a like look with attitude with the New York City skyline in the background. This is what I'm imagining the VHS cover looks like. And it's like, yeah, man, ants across the nation are going to buy this for Christmas. Yeah. So a few people are mentioning that, yeah, their mom bought it on VHS or they got it on their home VHS. I mean, that makes sense. Yeah, I do think you get to that point where like people are probably getting their first VHS player maybe around ish this time. And so you're just looking for like, all right, what's a kid's movie?
Oh, dinosaurs. I think you're right, though, that they're like a bunch of animated dinosaurs standing in the middle of New York City, even though it apparently didn't cross.
Yeah.
Oh, are they going to do a rap I've heard so much about? Not really. No, they're going to do kind of like a jazz.
Well, I guess the song is like a rock song. It's a rock song. It's about rocking back to time.
As performed by John Goodman, which I'm assuming all children are big fans of John Goodman. It's definitely his singing at least. He was a pretty good singer. He was fine.
Were we surprised? I was a little surprised. No, because it was one of those. It's one of those musical type songs where they're like, hey, we're in New York City. And like, there's not a lot of range or like you just are kind of talking about what you're doing. Got a rock. I don't know. It just didn't have like it. Was it like he was singing? I was a little impressed.
I was thinking wicked over here. He was just. I just realized about the movie that I didn't realize while I was watching it. And only just now was like, hey, wait, I loved it.
Like during the parade scene that that took place, they were like in the parade and the kid would be like, hey, look, a triceratops. And the triceratops would go, that's me. But how does he know he's a triceratops? Nobody's named him a triceratops. He just like had a moment of self-awareness where he was like, I am triceratops.
I think they had the training up in the spaceship. Yeah, they just sort of learned all the things that you could know when they ate the cereal. It just it didn't.
This is what this is what baffles me. Like I thought now, Ali, since you mentioned it, I thought too much about their motivation, their motive. So picture this.
You're a human and you are just by nature a monster. You're destroying the earth and you're bad. So what if a future alien that looks nothing likes you kidnaps you and stuffs you full of this gross stuff.
Yeah. And then tells you, here's how you can redeem yourself. We're going to go to the future and you're going to go be a servant to the larva of my future alien race. And you're going to sacrifice yourself to make my stupid little larvae happy. That's essentially it. That's their motivation is to make a different children of a different species happy. You did very much weirdly describe this movie in a backwards ass way, but I'm starting to see how that's a motivation that anyone is tracking with. Well, that's what I'm saying. That is the motivation of the dinosaurs. Yeah.
Be popular with these alien kids. They're completely unknown to you, but if you can just go make them happy, we won't look at you as monsters, which also doesn't make sense because the kids already know about dinosaurs and they don't think they're monsters. There isn't an image rehabilitation necessary. It would have been different if in this future kids were like, no, dinosaurs are scary. They were monsters. And Julia Child was like, no, kids, dinosaurs are pretty fantastic. And no one believes her. And the only way she can get them to believe her is to meet a dinosaur and they're actually nice. But they don't need any image rehab. These dinosaurs are the most popular motherfuckers on the planet.
That's a much clearer motivation than just being like, hey, people don't know. I mean, honestly, even if it was just like, hey, they don't know about dinosaurs. You should just go teach them about dinosaurs. Yeah. Or people are forgetting about dinosaurs.
Nobody is coming to see these exhibits anymore. Kids are going to forget.
Yeah. Do you see this photograph of you and your dinosaur family? You're disappearing. You have to go have sex with your mom. Yeah, that's what I wanted. Quick, she's ovulating. Yeah.
Oh, I can't, though, because I've eaten so much frosted flakes. I just can't. Just not into it anymore. But oh, what I was going to say, so we got way off of this.
But when they were writing it, one of the main guys, like the main director, said that he envisioned this as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but it's a seven-year-old Snow White and the Dwarfs are dinosaurs. I mean, is that not every child's dream? That would have been a hit. I don't know, but they're three short for starters, and also that kid is not seven, I don't think. Surely he's going to be. I got the sense that he's like between 10 and 13.
Andrew L. K. says that. So essentially this was Dino PR. Correct. But they did not need PR because everyone loves dinosaurs, but they were they were receiving Dino PR.
They didn't really explain it either. I mean, it wasn't it wasn't as one-to-one as that.
I mean, the stated motivation is kids, don't you want to fulfill kids' wishes, you asshole? And they're like, I guess. One of the dinosaurs. I didn't even know kids existed until three minutes ago or whatever. Yeah. One of the dinosaurs should have at least one of them should have cured polio or something. By mistake. Kids probably wish a little harder than I wish I could see a dinosaur alive. Yeah, yeah. So at the end.
All the kids' wishes were very, very selfish. They were like, I wish my sister would stop hitting me. It's like she's going to grow older and stop hitting you. I don't know what to tell you. They were all wasting their wishes.
Yeah. We're sending a dinosaur to eat your sister. You're welcome. That feels so funny. Yeah. I love the scene where Rex is like really old and he's standing over the grave of the triceratops.
And he's like, did I earn it? You know, was it worth it? Was it worth it?
Yeah. Because he, you know, because there's lots of mentions like, how was this one dinosaur worth traveling through time? And it's like, he better cure cancer. And he did. But he made people happy. And I think that's enough. He did. But anyway, he made people happy.
But what was like the final scene in this storytelling? You know, it's like their final like moment of service was they're at the Museum of Natural History finally. What they have is they have an exhibit that it appeared to be no parents allowed while parents were there. They were just like statues of dinosaurs.
But then when it was just the kids they came alive and they like wrestled them and tickled them. And like that felt like a bad message to me. It's like these will be because they even say to one of the kids like, this is our little secret. Don't tell your parents. Yeah, that is weird that like such a big part of the exhibit was that kids had to go in and then be held to a secret. But you know what?
If kids go to the Natural History Museum and they go, I saw a dinosaur. I saw a real dinosaur. And it picked me up in its mouth and it said hi to me.
And it said, don't tell your daddy. He'd be like, OK, Michael.
Very nice. Hope you had fun.
This is post rampage. The rampage was so hardcore.
The police brought a tank to stop. Yeah. Well, they also brought a guy with a baton to beat the shit out of a dinosaur. But they also brought a tank. They knocked guns out of people's hands. I mean, they did. They were.
If you lay low long enough, the stars go away. They go away.
I literally thought that. Your radio comes back on. Yeah, because I it was literally that it was like the craziest thing that's ever happened in the history of anything. Dinosaurs blowing up the Macy's Day Parade. Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know if they killed people. I don't think they kill. I mean, surely they didn't kill people because then it would have been way darker.
Somebody got trampled for sure. But they like blow the whole thing up and then they just like hide in an alley. And it's like, well, damn. OK. I guess they're gone.
There are animated movies that like set up and hold to the stakes they have set up extremely well. And that's like the point of the movie. And I feel like one of the best examples of that is Iron Giant, which I am assuming you guys have seen. Oh, yeah, I have seen that. Iron Giant's an amazing movie. I feel like it's I feel like that's not even just like being like, oh, I have nostalgia brain. Like, that's just like a very well crafted movie. And to that point of what you're saying, like when there is a giant robot, some people would be OK with nuking a whole town just to get rid of the giant robot. Like, those are like real world stakes. And then in this movie, it's just sort of like a dinosaur eat.
Right. Yeah.
Because they're like, we have to hide. Although it's not really clear why, because at some point they intend to be alive. You know, there's not like a plan like at some point we're going to reveal to the world we're just not ready for it yet. I mean, literally, I guess the plan from day one was we are going to set up a secret back room for children. That was their whole plan. And they're like, their parents just aren't going to get it. So like, let's not tell them. But we got to sneak undercover to the to the Natural History Museum to create a secret back room for children.
And I mean, that's it.
That's like one half of their like the problems that they face is can they stay undercover? And no, they can't. And then the other one is children keep signing up for the damn circus with their blood.
Then at the end, at the end, John Goodman, as Rex, is just playing golf in Central Park.
So he's not hiding. No, no, no. He's on a he's on a rooftop course. No. Yeah.
He's in Central Park. No, he's on top of an apartment or like a building. He's got a tower. He was on the island. You're joking, but he might honestly be on Trump Tower.
It was pretty low. I mean, it was like, it looked like a like an apartment complex more than it wasn't like the rich girls apartment complex. She lives on Fifth Avenue right over where the the parade was.
Yeah. I was really happy. I was really happy that she and her parents made up and then refurnished their home. That was kind of the main way that it was shown that they took her to the family night at whatever that was. It just said night. He really liked that. Yeah.
How they were how they were absentee parents. It was a big banner. They had a photo on the wall of this little girl sitting alone at a gala with a banner that said family night. And then in the end, they were all at family night at whatever that gala was.
Yeah.
No, at the end, Louie's like, and we reconnected with our parents. And then a series of pictures and in one of the pictures, they're all at family night.
That's that's the moral of the story is love your parents, even if I guess none of them that's weird too, because the bird's mom love it or her or whatever. But but their parents very much did not care for their children at all. They were letting them go sign up for the circus with their blood because they were never home.
Right. But don't worry. The kids forgave them for doing that. And now we're all okay. And that was the funniest way to even end it. They were like, oh, yeah, don't worry.
There's still a couple. They're still smooching.
Okay. It's it's fine. Yeah. So anyway, do you guys have any last minute observations before we throw last request? Yeah. Oh, the only thing I had too was it had one of those really long intros like opening credits in a movie that was only like 68 minutes long. Yeah.
And really long credits at the end, too. I mean, like, again, like obviously credits at the end don't count necessarily. But like, yeah, I remember seeing like how much time was left in the movie and being like, this feels over. Is this going to have another plot point? And I was like, oh, no, it's just going to be a lot of credits as sung by Richard. Well, because I think everybody at Amblin tried to make it a good movie and they feel they had all the greatest minds of their generation on this one.
Yeah. And this is what they came up with. And, you know, we did a vest.
I like hot dogs. You want to put hot dogs in the movie. That's a great idea, Jeff. Thank you. I'm really good at drawing hot dogs.
Yeah. I'm just going to say like most most of the movies of this time weren't like actually better plot wise. At least the ones that I'm talking about as being in this same generation of like not necessarily Jurassic Park. No, no, no. I'm not saying I'm American tale is better, but also American tale was like was like an allegory. Do you know what I mean? Like like they like they went out of their way.
I'm saying like rock a doodle isn't a better movie than this. It doesn't have a more tight tight plot. What the hell is rock a doodle? You're just a rock a doodle. I loved it. And I think I absolutely know Jordan would hate it. Um, Jesse, do you know who is in rock a doodle?
No, because I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question.
Who do you think played the sexy little bird that he's like the waitress who sings in Vegas? Who do you think that was?
I don't even I can't even.
No, it's Ellen Greene. With her baby voice and her big boobs. Oh, wait, Ellen.
Oh, from from Little Shop. Yeah. Oh, good. Thank God.
Another reason to not see that movie that that woman terrifies.
Yeah. Strong, powerful woman. Yeah. But you'd like rock a doodle. It's about a crooning pretty boy. Yeah. It's about Elvis basically.
But he's a he's a rooster and he thinks he makes the sunrise. But it turns out the sunrise is whether or not he's saying so he has the sunrise and a big evil owl takes over.
Maybe I have seen this movie. Oh, it's great. It's so good.
Also, like these movies of this time always had kids turning into mice or kids who were mice, which frankly, as a mouse myself, really, I feel I felt very seen by all these movies. I no longer feel like seen and represented in media that I watch. Well, you're a rat. Certainly. I feel sort of on the rodent. Yeah. I'm definitely on the rodent spectrum and like the most of the movie franchises in the 90s was about a Jewish mouse. I mean, like, come on. I was rolling in it. Amen.
Golden Age of Hollywood.
Anyway, any other thoughts before we we'd be curious to know what the there's so many like it's basically these are kids getting their wishes fulfilled. And if the commenters would like to pop in with their the best or worst wishes of their childhood fulfilled, for example, I want to see a corpse and poke it with a stick. Dinosaurs got to do that now. Was that one of your wishes and dreams when you were a kid, Jesse?
It was until it happened. That's a shockingly that's a shockingly common thing. If you remember, stand by me, the whole premise is all about that.
Wouldn't it be dope if we found a dead body in the woods? And I feel like there are several movies of that genre where they're like, I don't know if you know this, but the 70s were boring. You had to go in the woods and poke bodies. And poke bodies.
Great movie. And this is not even including Disney stuff, which was of a high quality during this time.
I think Rescuers is Disney? I don't know. I'm just saying. Rescuers is Disney.
I would believe that. I assume that. It is. Yes, you're right.
It is Disney. Whatever. So, OK. Disney included. Let's let's go to the let's go to the people. By the way, if you.
Well, actually, I'm not going to notice it. So never mind. I'm not going to say it.
Remember Walter Cronkite lent his voice to this. I think he did a lovely job. And at one point looked at the camera and said, whatever his catchphrase is. Now I can't remember. J.J. Leno also did. Yeah.
Like, hey, was he the bug? No, he was like the little alien. Also, it's never explained why the professor also has employed an alien. Like, is this alien a partner? Or is he an employee? Is he union?
Well, no, because they they they established peace across all races in the galaxy. So everybody just works with everybody now. Oh, OK. So no one's union. That's right.
I was sitting there at the beginning furiously trying to comprehend all of the world building that was just getting shoved in there. It's like, so you ever you ever use your brain that much?
Well, don't do that, Jordan. No wonder you don't like these movies.
That's also a sin. Yeah. Lots of sins. Oh, shoot.
Do you think he got the screw eye because he thought he could use it as a pickup line as two worlds? Honestly, do you want this guy seem interested in picking up women? I don't think so. Unless they were terrifying in some way.
He had a good line at the end. Professor screw eye. He had a good line at the end. Professor screw eye.
He said to seemingly no one when I am alone, I have no one to scare and I get quite frightened to myself. And then he said dot dot dot the crow's circle and then they eat him.
I had tuned out by then. That's sick. And I wasn't a sick line. That line goes hard.
That's like a that's like a fallout boy lyric. Yeah. Then he said he said my heart is like a stallion. They love it more when it's broken. Dude. And he's like, I got this. Yeah. He's like, I got a loaded complex. I cock it. It was like, oh, this guy. Yeah.
Honey, kids, get in here. He's like, do you think the the world is like God's like the captain of the world. And when the ship goes down, he'll go down with it. You guys when we just go through all the fallout boy lines and the two kids like dude, you're scaring us. Anyway, oh, shoot. This is what I was going to talk about. Andrea case makes the point.
The 90s were very dino centric. Not only were 90s dino centric. I was actually reading on this. So one of the reasons this movie exists at all is because of Jurassic Park, is because of Land Before Time, is because there was this this very tight window where we made so many freakin' dinosaur movies. There was Carnosaur. There was Theodore Rex where does a buddy cop with like a with some crazy dinosaur. There's some weird movie that I can't remember the name of where Denise Richards actually does a sexy strip tease for the the brain of a dead dinosaur boyfriend or something weird like that. So there's a lot of weird dinosaur movies coming out because in the 1960s it's there's this thing called the dinosaur renaissance where for whatever reason scientists were like, hey, you know, we should study again as dinosaurs.
You guys ever thought of those things? It's crazy. And so they just started publishing a lot more. This is where Jurassic Park, the novel kind of comes from because that's when they started to say, hey, dinosaurs are actually maybe more bird like. Oh, that's what it was.
They thought they were like, I don't know, they look like big slugs. Like they all move. They're just big ass. The big lids. Do you don't want to mess? They thought they were slugs? No, but they thought they were like cold blooded and relatively doc not docile, but just like not they didn't move much. And then they they started looking at it more and they're like, I think they're actually more analogous to birds and they're warm blooded and they're out there like killing each other and working in pods and stuff like that.
And then people like Michael Crichton go that shit's dope. And so he wrote Jurassic Park and we got all these things. So this is kind of one of the dregs of just this wave.
It's interesting because I feel like we see this even now, right? We're like a science thing. We'll start bleeding into all the movies and stuff, whether it's the multiverse metaverse and like before multiverse it was like it was like interstellar travel where like a wormhole could like take you some like like it's like what we were talking about with contact but that like you know contact is also interstellar in a way, which is just like traversing great distances through some science that was passed down to us from from you know what I'm saying like you're right that like I'm always very interested. I think one of the most interesting things pop culture just like in general is like when and how these certain things become the crazes of the time and or even just like why are we so interested in multiverses right now and I bet that if we did some research we could go back 10 years and find the exact book or documentary or you know TED talk or whatever that like started that started it all. I don't know. I always think that stuff is really interesting. When I was a junior in college I took philosophy 305 which was metaphysics and he explained this to me just sort of modality and the like you know where do our choices go the ones that we don't make and I think after I did that everybody hopped on board because I started talking about it a lot in my dorm room and stuff and I think I think that's what we could probably trace it back to is like 2012 2011. You think when they were writing like what's that movie called Arrival?
Yeah. Well they were in the room with you being like damn that kid's got some points. Yeah. I was listening to this cool guy from outside of his dorm room.
We have to write Arrival. Actually so I will say that I think the reason that it's so I actually did Your Brain Uncracked that covers this a little bit. I actually think it's so prolific right now only because of the actual practicality of you can you can fix any superhero comic book movie whenever you want and and build up excitement about it because you can be like oh that shitty Spider-Man with Andrew Garfield is still canon. We didn't reboot it. Now he can come back whenever he wants. Like if they ever convinced Chris Evans to come back as Captain America for five minutes they can be like oh it's I mean they can even bring Chris Evans back as like the human torture whatever for the Fantastic Four which is something that he's claimed that he'd be willing to do and now they don't have to explain it.
They could just say universe. I don't know. So there's there's like right. I think the comic book the comic bookness and the cinematic universe ness just ties perfectly to this.
So like now you know Daniel Craig can show up in the next James Bond movie and be like I came from I guess I got switched my accent. I came from one when I didn't die. I jumped off the way.
That was really good.
It's not just like him. Yeah. Anyway so I think that's where a lot of it comes from. I don't necessarily know where it originated but I think the cinematic universe concept that Marvel has successfully implemented is sort of inevitably and also when you get shittier versions like the DCEU where they're like crap we keep screwing up Batman keeps wanting to quit and have it. Superman doesn't want to make anymore. Oh it's a new Superman and but it's the same but he's from he's a couple of universes over it's fine. We're not we're not spinning out. Yeah.
I mean it's like I think it's just interesting that like sometimes you can even look back to like I'm going to give a really random example but it is true that like in the late 60s early 70s the expression Frodo lives became a counterculture slogan and it was on like pins and people would learn about that. People would spray paint it on like walls and stuff and you're like you too. I would love to do that because I'm very interested in this. And you might be wondering okay that's weird why the 60s and 70s like that doesn't make any sense but it's because the paperback versions of Lord of the Rings were finally widely being distributed and so people who had not heard of it or had not read it or wouldn't have read it because it was like a gigantic expensive hardback book were suddenly being like ants across America were suddenly buying it for kids again what I mean like so there was this huge resurgence reading and or rereading Lord of the Rings but it happened to also align with these people who were being drafted into the Vietnam War and were very unhappy about that and were like felt like the hobbits being pulled out of their idyllic world and having to like go fight a battle that wasn't theirs and like it became like a thing of like you know like fuck the man Frodo lives like no one expected him to live they sent him out there unprepared blah blah blah but he came back and he's okay he Frodo lives that's a movie that's a discussion for another time yeah we didn't invent the PTSD until the 90s but I'm just saying it's really interesting that like something something as simple as a publisher completely unrelated to any world events going oh yeah well I guess we should reprint Lord of the Rings suddenly became like a cultural like you know what I mean I just I think it's so interesting we can like track something back something in pop culture and or culture fact follow follow the money yeah exactly what I'm saying all right we're we're we're going long on this we're gonna go as long as this this is a marathon this is a two hour podcast the good news is that big anime titties is back hey hey zealot master says the moral of the story is actually to stay out of Central Park no that's where you jump off the huge rocks in the 90s uh gorgonite this is a movie about the evils of big business which I can't possibly see how that's true but that's still interesting um everybody's doing everything for free I mean I guess the circus is maybe I'm sure he's for profit he's got he's got land in Central Park I'm sure he's paying a lot of money for that permit I doubt it because he's magic um somebody points out Rage Castanova says there it's crazy that there's no raptor dinosaur I know and instead we got a petronodon yeah and also wasn't there like one of the kids the wishes was explicitly like I want to see a petronodon yeah and then they were like that's me I was like shut up you don't know that's you it's one of those you don't have attention yet um uh Mark Taylor says dinosaurs have polio sad face because we were talking about how one of the dinosaurs should cure polio if the dinosaurs had cured it we wouldn't have to worry about it in our time so um Hammond also wanted to make kids happy by bringing back dinosaurs in Jurassic Park but those dinosaurs were not concerned about their PR that's true that's a really strong that is where these movies diverge that is truly nobody tried to reason with it it's just a PR yeah nobody fed them anti-masterbatory medicine and just to see the dinosaur that killed Newman from Seinfeld was uh horny and needed to less horny yeah he had just been cranking it and he was disturbed he was like oh I'm angry um yeah also Andrew L. Case pointed out that movie with the striptease of the brain with Denise Richards is Tammy and the T-Rex oh they never even heard that that's great um Anime Boobs again says that you can fix any MCU movie by saying the word quantum which is true and now we are going to do alt titles yeah let's do alt titles um because I don't think it almost feels unnecessary because this is perfectly titled yeah I mean it's quite a long title so yeah all right let me start then because I actually put uh Great SEO as one of my titles because it's truly what is it well it's a dinosaur story um I also had they said uh I can't remember which character says ooh they have a which I thought was kind of intriguing um brain drain panic at the circus um whoa yeah uh that's comedy exclamation point our little secret and that's the way it is and now uh somebody else said it but Chastity Flakes I feel pretty good about nice I like that too um but uh what do you got Chastity? uh Home Alone 2 but kind of backwards wait what right Home Alone 2 is when there is is in New York right lost in New York and they're he's doing all this wacky stuff to save himself but they're doing wack I don't know it's it's backwards yeah yeah yeah oh boy uh okay this will let's get back on track here folks Rex and Elsa make a porno stop oh yep nice yeah I love stuff and finally my dark unhappy brother that's how the uh the good scientist refers to his evil brother early on oh yeah my dark unhappy brother that's right dark unhappy brother except he says it nicely in Walter Cronkitely yeah it's true um I'm here with my uh brother uh you can't see him but he's dark and unhappy yeah sorry brother uh Ali what do you got? I really kind of dropped the ball on this one I thought I had a good one and I went I went back to look at it and went oh that's not as good as I thought but I was thinking about how it's the Thanksgiving Day Parade and how famously the other Thanksgiving Day Parade in movies is um Miracle on 34th street and I was like and I was like oh yeah that's that's probably the most famous other movie where like it's about the Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Santa and all that stuff and so one was Panic! at the 34th street I love it so it's horrible why not I thought it was really funny when I was watching it sounds like but there is panic there's such stark panic yeah yeah that I mean I'm not wrong it just isn't funny disagree um cool so let's let's let's throw it to the to the people so we andriel cases got we're back to the future a dinosaur story oh I mean andriel cases pretty good even just we're back to the future is we go we're back to the future a dinosaur story yeah yeah um so I like that a lot um oh also somebody put that shit fed into my childhood bird fears which uh is is actually a pretty good title but I think it was just meant as an observation um anyway uh but yeah dinosaurs know the other one from fresh boy jb we got dino crisis from anime boobies which I believe is a video game yes it is uh screwy central park shenanigans because of the because of the eyeball says rage Casanova um oh wow look at that we're back to the the message just put it twice that's funny um still funny and that's it we're done uh let's let's let's wrap this up because it's we're taking forever to talk about a movie that doesn't just uh this is one of the ones where we always knew we'd get off topic and start talking about our childhood our awful childhoods stuff I'd rather hear about your childhood than watch this movie uh in general oh well I've got some stuff to talk about I've got some rocks to tell you about I can't get this comment to hide Ellie I would like you should show us some day you should show us your uh your favorite rocks in central park well that'd be great I'll do a cracked video where I just show you the child there's also a balto statue in central park oh my god it's part of the movie balto where the grandma is like and that's balto and the kids whatever grandma and then she tells her the story and she's like anyway, I was the little girl in the story but there is really a balto statue we can go take a little walk from the park I'll show you balto I'll be there in about a week oh we gotta go see balto all I ever wanted was to see fricking balto So we'll do that at some point.
Actually, you know what we could do? So somebody asked what we're doing next week. I don't know what we're doing next week, but in two weeks, NOPE comes out.
Yeah. We could all watch NOPE in person in New York City. And then we could record an in-person podcast. Technically. Yeah. So we'll be recording it on the 28th? Yes. Cool. I love that. I'm all about it. Are you around? OK.
Yeah, that's why I was double-checking. The Super Mario Brothers movie, does it count as a dino movie? It definitely is. It's trying to capitalize on that, for sure, where it's like, dinosaurs are cool, so we're kind of reimagining them as sort of dinosaur-type things.
You sounded like you were about to rap. Oh, I can, if you would like. The way you think you went, you were like, dinosaurs are cool, so now we're going to get on a dinosaur rap. You kind of had like a freezing to it. I thought you were really going to rap there.
I'm very inherently musical. It's actually hard for me to tamp down my flow. And I only do it for this part. Sometimes it's hard for me not to be rapping. Because I'm Dr. Jordan Breedy, and I'm here to say, I love rapping and talking about dinosaur movies all day.
All right, so what do you guys want to watch next week? We should probably talk about this offline because we have enough ball to go. I feel like we should do another of like childhood ones before we do another cool one. I mean, honestly, I don't think you can find it, which is very annoying.
But the history behind and the production of The Thief and the Cobbler is fascinating.
If you were going to say all that jazz, I was going to throw my computer. Again, we have to wait for you to walk while you're in New York because I have it on DVD and you can't watch it otherwise. No, because you were saying what?
I just bought the Coronado trilogy. Oh, it's been a long time since I've seen any of those movies. And all of those movies are incredible. We should pick one of those because they're the best.
I don't know. It doesn't matter.
We'll figure it out each three hours and dubbed in another language. No, no, it's like comedy and stuff like that. Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead, At World's End.
They're great. But OK, where can we find you guys?
Eisman, go. At Eisman on Twitter.
Real quick, do you guys know because we keep saying ballto. Are you familiar with the ball dough, the product? No. It was a viral thing a few weeks ago. It's a dildo where you put your balls in it. But anyway, that's what I keep hearing every time you say ballto.
You tell me things that I don't need to know. I just feel like every time that I talk to you, I learn something against my will.
Oh, yeah, I remember watching a 90s animated film about the dildo you put your balls in. I love that. Yeah, it was a whole sled dog team of ball dildos. It was great. Just think about that when you think about or see ballto.
OK, I'm on Twitter. For more of that goodness, follow me on at Eisman.
Somebody asked you, Miss Alice Nutting, if that's your real last name, would you like to? No, my name is Allie Gordon. Miss Alice Nutting is a reference to a musical called The Mystery of Evan Drude, which is based on the unfinished Charles Dickens novel.
I mean, look, I got Twitter when it first came out. I don't know how many years ago that was, 11 years ago, 12 years ago. And at the time, social media wasn't like part of your quote unquote brands. That was my name.
And then it's just too late now. It's just simply too late.
I would just be Miss Alice Nutting till I die. You know, that's it. I too hope to be nutting until I die.
You can also find me. Well, I got the product for you, buddy. Hell yeah. I don't like that. At the underscore j, underscore breeding, if you type that into the Twitters, you'll find me. And maybe you should.
I also make a lot of crack videos. Some of them are closer to the things that you're yelling in this chat that we're not doing. We do a lot of those things.
So just look at the stuff and it'll be great. Alice Nutting over here is making a video that's coming out tomorrow about we're back to the future. So- Wow, wow, wow. What good timing.
At the 1 PM and, you know, watch it and, you know, just, I don't know, you know, just do whatever you want. And then Jesse's doing a video. Do whatever you want. Jesse's got a video. I don't know about it, do whatever you want. And then Jesse's got a video coming out on Monday. And then I've got a video coming out with the esteemed Roger Horton on Friday.
Wow. And my wife sent it. She's like a full character. It's pretty cool. Wow, that's exciting.
Also, I just want to say my camera's off. I haven't been here this entire time. These have all been prerecorded lines and I've just been hoping they make sense what people have been saying.
Yeah, yeah. But it's basically like when a kid sleeps in a 90s movie and they put like a recording of them snoring and saying like, I love you mom under the covers. That's what's happening right now. We actually, Jesse and I have been practicing to this recording for months. Yeah. We watched this. That would be so awesome. Yeah.
We watched this movie before I was even hired at crack. It's crazy.
Which also means that Ally wrote all of our dialogue which means that she wrote the bit about the baldo which is. Well, I have to keep it in character. You know what I'm saying? I don't have to like it. It just has to be good. Right. That's actually. That's our friendship all right. That's also maybe the motto of this channel at these.
It doesn't have to be good. I don't have to like it. It just has to be good. It doesn't have to be good. It just has to vibrate your balls.
All right. Bye. I'm ending it here. Okay. |
dropout | abc_ceo_no_more_racist_shows_ch_shorts | Hi America, my name is Brian Hatt, and I'm the CEO of ABC. Our company has always sought to produce wholesome original content that brings people together across the aisle, but recently we've had a couple big misses. Roseanne, Last Man Standing, these were attempts at bringing us together that ultimately couldn't connect with our core values. For that, we apologize. Moving forward, we want to prove to you that we are redoubling our efforts to create programming that speaks to the heartland while not attacking the very core of human decency.
So thanks for watching, and make sure to tune in for this fall's newest sitcom, Baby Immigrant, starring Adam Carolla, Ted Nugent, and Jeff Dunham. This is a fucking time bomb, man, give me a break. Adam Carolla? Can Ted Nugent act? ABC isn't just for families, either. Keep an eye out for this fall's diversity, where two college athletes will lose their scholarships unless they can trick their friends and faculty into thinking they're women of color. Oh god. Who agreed to be in this show? Logan Paul? The sweaty guy from the Charlotte- ABC's More Than Just Comedy, our new soap opera Blue Lives to Live, tells the story of a police precinct full of romance, betrayal, and the one woman brave enough to delete over 300 hours of body cam footage. Tell me we have something that will not cause a boycott. A reboot?
Family Matters. It's a blast from the past here at ABC, as we're heading back to Chicago to catch up with the Winslow family and old Steve Urkel in All Families Matter, the all-white reboot of the class- No!
No! Don't move over to get the poster. Back on me. Uhhh.
I took care of Roseanne. I took care of Ten Allen.
How is this shit getting greenlit? We cannot keep selling shows to Fox! For fans of Chicago Med and Chicago Fire, make sure to check out Chicago EMT and Chicago Clan, coming to, okay, Chicago Clan, who did this show test well with? Can I see the demo information, please?
Thank you. Okay, so I've noticed something. This survey was conducted at a clan rally. Do you think there's a problem with that?
Marking our first foray into prestige journalism, we're excited to bring our new hour-long in-depth investigative reporting program, News for White People, with co-anchors Mel Gibson and any blonde woman. Joe Homo starring Kelsey Grammer, Greenlit, The Handmaid's Tale, but we frame it like it's a good thing, starring Patricia Heaton. Other than the title, guys, you know that's Greenlit, School Shooter Shooter, starring a digitally reanimated Charlton Heston and Ted Nugent, the nuge? You know I got a greenlight, the nuge.
I wanted to do something good, you know? Bring the left and the right together, we're so divided, I just thought. And you guys hired all these racist lunatics, and that's not what I, look, I mean, Bridget, can we get that poll information? You want to know the number one thing that middle Americans wanted to see on TV? It was racist lunatics, that's, they wrote, they had to bubble in other and write that. That was obviously not one of the options we put in. This country is fucked, it's bad. We aired Baby Immigrant? What the fuck are you talking about?
First in the time slot? I mean, we can get Nugent an acting coach, right? Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real, I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | David_Callan_Michelle_Stephenson_from_I_Spied_Podcast | You're joined of course by myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. Hello Errol. Hello Clancy.
How are you feeling? A bit nervous about this week's guests. I mean if we- Yeah, I'm feeling very seen.
If we thought Peter Dutton already had a dirt file on us beforehand, he definitely will after this. Today we are talking about espionage, statecraft, that's a new term I learnt by the way, statecraft intelligence, and just a good old fashioned yarn about Australian spies. Joining us today we have David Cullen and Michelle Stevenson. Hello. Thank you for joining us.
You guys are the hosts of I Spied, true confessions of an ex-Asio spook. Yeah, I'm the spook. You're the spook.
It wasn't me.
And you effectively are the interrogator. Yes, I would like to think of myself as the foil. I am the journalist. I am the one asking the questions because if we let David just speak, God knows what comes out of his mouth.
I've got to really kind of hold him back. It'd be like three hour episodes and he'd go way too long.
So to borrow a term from our intelligence community, you'd be his handler. I am his handler. That's a really good way of looking at it. I always wanted to call you M because your name is Michelle. You'd be kind of like M. I mean, although I don't want to handle too much, it gets a bit awkward.
Oh, there's a lot to handle too, lady. And I'm sure there's a lot of stories like this in your podcast, I Spied, which talks about the glitz, glamour, sex and bureaucracy of Asio. Yeah, the sex and bureaucracy in particular, lots of it, tons of bureaucracy and a little bit of sex. So can we just quickly go into your stripes and then we'll get into how you two met and decided to start this podcast. But what was your title when you worked inside the building? Well I had many titles, as you know, your designation would change as you go through.
I started out as a COA, which is a clerical officer grade one or grade A, but in the end, my favorite one was Sting Ed. That was my last S T I N G dash E D or Stinged, which is terrible grammar. It should have been stung, but Sting Ed, I was the editor of the internal staff bulletin called the Sting. Called the Sting because Asio's call sign is scorpion.
Okay. Did you know that? No. Wow. Yeah.
Scorpion. A great native Australian animal.
Exactly. And there are other intelligence services called my favorite oyster.
Why? Why pick the most like tasty, but revolting looking thing on the planet?
It grows very slowly and gets too attached to its shell. Which is a great way of describing it. Great way of describing any intelligence organization moves slowly and grows too attached to its shell.
Exactly. Just first up, you were a public servant in these roles. Would you say the public service culture is alive in Asio? Yes and no. Okay.
Asio is kind of detached from the public service because one thing you can't do when you're a member of Asio is be a member of a union. So Asio didn't have any union representation for the staff. So we set up our own staff association and I'll be honest and say that Asio was probably the most bolshie socialist place I ever worked.
Really? Oh yeah.
They looked after themselves. We looked after ourselves as workers.
Okay. Right. We're united. There was a greater moment where they took away the 17% leave loading that you get when you take your first two weeks every year, you get a 17% bonus on your pay. And they took it away without telling anybody. Because you can do that in a classified organization. Exactly. They use the old need to know principle. We take it away. Why? Well, you don't need to know. Yeah, we do. It's ours. We own it.
They got back at the person who took it away though by taking him off the distribution list for all flash traffic. So generally the most emergency prone and highly classified traffic, they just took him off the list for that. And when he turned around and went, why have you taken off the list?
Our reaction was, oh, you didn't need to know. And we got our 17% back.
That's what you call a strike in Asio. We don't actually stop work. We just stop your work from happening.
Now someone who probably hasn't had that much representation and hasn't probably been that well looked after in the workplace is you, Michelle Stevenson, career radio and media personality. Maybe a member of MEAA, but no, I never, I never joined the union, but look, I have to say radio is, is a pretty good gig, pretty good gig. I mean, I work afternoons. I read the news for Kate to Amarti nationally, so I get to get in quite late, which I do enjoy. And you know, I don't have to get dressed up. You're not actually really part of the morning wars, are you? No, no, I do fill in every now and again, just because I like to get involved in that live feeling.
But to be honest, radio is a bit nicer than, than Brekkie TV. Oh my gosh, radio is way nicer.
And I have to say the talent genuinely are really nice. All the talent at Nova are really nice people.
You don't see the fits. You don't hear of all the things that are happening. It just doesn't happen.
That's going on downstairs in GB. I mean, yeah, we had to get security because of GB. I can understand that. Yeah.
So how did someone whose whole career was supposed to be underground meet someone whose whole career was on the airwaves? Well, I was doing a podcast about politics and with a mutual friend, Andrew P Street, who's really well known political commentator.
And we decided to get David in. And I have to say it was my favorite episode because the stories were coming in. They were, they were just unbelievable. That was so funny. He's just really engaging.
Oh, stop you. No, you are.
I mean, I do, I do make him sound better, but you know, it just, there was so much there. And I only, I only had 15 minutes with him.
And I thought, gee, well, God, if we could, if we could just flesh this out a bit longer, there's a lot there. There is a lot there. And I think, I think we're in a really good time in, you know, the current process in history, like where people want to know more about this stuff, like ASIO and counterintelligence. What is going on behind those closed doors?
Yeah. And I started talking about it because my wife turned around after 9-11 and said, if there was ever a time for you to do a one man show about ASIO, because I quit ASIO to become a comedian and an actor, because that's a natural progression. So she said, if you're ever going to do a one man show about it, now is the time. And I did it. And it just went crazy, like went gangbusters. And then Michelle and here we are.
There's plenty more stories to regal. Oh, heaps more. Yeah, lots.
Dave, you often hear about people being approached by these organisations as they leave university or when they are at university. Did that happen to you? No. Because it happened to me. Oh, really? Yeah. And you said no? I said no. Oh, which one was it? Who was it? I went into satire. Which is very similar. Trust me. But which, which organisation approached you? Can't say. Oh, come on. I did.
But then again, Section 92 of the ASIO Act, I was outed on national television, so it doesn't matter anymore.
Yes, that happens. But most likely what happens now is they advertise. Yeah, right. You see it in the- Yeah, they do.
Seek? Seek.com. Spying. Oh, look, there's a position.
No, it's one of those papers that you find on the bus thing where you just pull off a towel. Yeah, you just pull off a towel.
Feel like checking out at the neighbours or reading this number. So did, did you just apply? No, I was actually sent by the, I was trying to join the public service. I wanted to get a job in the public service in Canberra because Canberra's got a really great theatre scene and I wanted to do theatre at night. So I thought, get a job in the public service.
So that did come first? Yeah. Oh, God, yes.
You're a thespian first. Yeah, and let me tell you, some of the best acting lessons I ever got were with ASIO. Okay. When you've got to pretend to be a hostage in a hijack situation, man, you start acting real hard, real fast. Can, can I just interrupt? Has anyone ever come up with the term thespianage?
Oh my God. That is actually brilliant. He's speechless.
I'm going to cry because I didn't think of that and I really wish I had.
I really, can I have that? Yes. Can I have that? Yeah. Yes.
I can finally put that on my CV. Expert in thespianage. Oh, this is gold. We can edit that part out. So this is all just off the record. No, keep it.
But the podcast is called I Spied. Yeah, it is called I Spied.
And I think, I think what listeners are going to get, which is, it's quite good. We do have the, the stories that he tells and they're quite engaging, but then we do kind of delve into the, you know, the, the, the history of things and like how it comes about and what, what really does go on behind closed doors. So you will kind of get that taste of what is actually ASIO because a lot of people don't know. Yeah.
I didn't when I joined, like literally right up until the day I joined, I did not know what I was getting into. I just thought, gee there, this is a really involved interview process over nine months. Most jobs you get after a one interview and a week's wait, but it wasn't until I got there and went first, went into orientation where they went, this is what we do. And it was like, ah, oops, I might not be in the right place. But stayed out, stayed there for seven years because it really became that fascinating. When people ask me where I went to university, I tell them I went to ASIO.
Yeah. Cause that was my, really was my tertiary education was spending time working for ASIO. And some of the stuff that he talks about are the things that, you know, everyone wants to know, like, what does your file say? Do you have a file? Like everyone talks about this and we spend a whole episode on it. Yeah. By the way, boys, you're all over the personal name index. Good God. Tuda has the thickest file. All press clippings. Yeah. A lot of stuff from media watch going, sorry, we didn't realise you were a satirical newspaper. I'll ask now, do you have anything that you can't say? Yes. Okay. That you're not just a free flowing beacon of.
I got pulled up doing the live show once by an old friend from ASIO. He was their coordinator of operations when I worked there and he basically turned around to me and said, why did you say this? And I said, well, how did you know this? It was a very, very, very classified piece of information that I sort of expressed in the live show. It was a great bit. It was a, it was really funny.
It got the laser pointer joke out where, you know, the laser pointer goes up to my dad. When I did it once, my dad sat in the audience with a laser pointer and he'd go, I'm going to love this.
But the whole thing was, I mentioned a very, very, very classified operation that was going on because I'd basically gone, hang on, you know, X plus Y equals, and I figured it out for myself. I had no access to the files. I didn't know what was going on.
I just sort of went, you know, this is what I think. And he turned around and went, that's why I really think you should have stayed there. And I went, what? He said, you know, the plan was you would realize the futility of a career in the arts industry and come back to ASIO, become a generalist and work as an intelligence, like as an analyst and an operations officer. And I went, which idiot was going to hold my hand through that process? And he went, I'm the idiot.
He's since left ASIO now and makes millions of dollars working in the private sector.
As you do.
But, you know, it was that weird thing where. As an actor and a comedian too. Yeah, mate, this podcast is how much are we making? It's a private sector job. They're paying so much. And, and like there is, you know, there was a moment in one of the EPs where we had to go back and kind of cut a few things out because he did realize afterwards that that shouldn't be. Yeah, right up.
So in saying that, are you more afraid of going to jail or drinking some plutonium tea? Probably jail and then drinking plutonium tea while I'm there.
Look, I'm not overly concerned. Occasionally I'll sort of like think, Oh, what if there's a knock on the door? And then I think my wife would probably answer it. I'll go, sorry, man. No, I've, I've been very cautious in that what I touch on is stuff that is generally like not well known, but there is public access to it.
And a lot of the stuff is personal experience of, so inside an operation, what happened to me inside that operation without actually talking about the operation itself? And you, Michelle, sitting here with this man and pulling these stories out of him, are you shocked every single time you sit down? I mean, everything that comes out of his mouth is shocking to me at this point. Look, I think I am like, there's always a story. Like he is literally a man full of stories and they're always really interesting. And you'll just be sitting there going, what, wait, no, like he was just telling me something earlier and I was just getting, I was like, no, just stop.
And we try to save it for it, for the, for everyone to come in. Yeah, another one I was telling you about. Yes, yes, yes. So we, we try to save it so everyone can hear that. But I do, I do think that listeners are going to be listening and go, wait, what, really? Like it's just so unbelievable. Cause we also, what we do have to realize, we have to put into context, like when he was in Asia was a different time.
It was coming to the end of kind of all the Russian involvement, the communist era. So it wasn't so much what is happening now. It was like kind of before cell phones and all that kind of stuff. Funnily enough, the Cold War was ending and the war on terror was beginning to heat up. I mean, I used to make a joke in the show about how, you know, 50% of Asia's budget, when the Berlin Wall came down, 50% of Asia's budget was moribund, it was useless. Only there are probably more Russian intelligence assets in Australia now than there were during the Cold War.
Really? Yeah. Oh God, yeah. Think about it.
We trade in the same stuff that they trade in. And we're also meant to be a soft target for things like military intelligence. So when you think about it, yeah, they would target Australia. The thing is, we've got a very, very, very adept and very skilled intelligence organization in ASIO looking after it. I mean, a lot of people go, oh, you must hate ASIO if you're making fun of it. No, you know, imitation and that is the sincerest form of flattery to me. I still believe to this day that they do a great job. I just don't think they need the powers that they've been given, but that's another thing. You know, we touch on that and the CIA and like, you know, Russia and all of all of the other counterintelligence situations, just because it's really interesting because, you know, like ASIO just isn't sexy. And we kind of talk about that.
Like, there are no TV shows about ASIO, really. And, you know, there's no movies done about ASIO spies.
There were two. There were two TV shows, one called Secrets, and I actually left ASIO to do Secrets, which is awesome. You've got to roll in Secrets. I got to roll in Secrets by saying, yeah, guys, I used to work for ASIO, could I have a job? And they were, yeah, sure, come on in. And the other one was Secret City, which was recently, and a tour, it was fabulous.
But again, every time I watch it, it's like, no, this isn't really how it is. Every time I watch someone playing an ASIO officer and they pull out a gun, it's like, oh, that's new, because we don't get guns. But ASIS do, don't they? Well, only recently they've been given them back.
Now, after the Sheraton, which ASIO got blamed for, but it was actually ASIS, after the Sheraton debacle, ASIS lost their guns, which was stupid. Because if you are an intelligence officer overseas, you may have need for personal protection. So to take them away from them was ridiculous. To give them back, smart. But ASIO, you don't really need one.
Though I was hit by one while I was there. So you were in the field as opposed to being behind a desk with a pair of headphones on trying to transcribe a bunch of Russian into English? No, I can't speak Russian. So that wasn't my job. No, no, no. I worked in the building. I was working in headquarters. But what happened was I was on an operation. Well, I was on an exercise, counter-terrorist exercise, and I got beaten up by the terrorists. I kind of deserved it.
What, by real terrorists? No, no, no, fake terrorists.
I've got an episode on this, don't worry guys. You've got to do too much away. Yeah, not too much away. Basically, I got beaten up and I deserved it. Right. Did you, have you ever come into contact with someone that you feel is a deadly person? I've been married for 22 years, mainly out of fear. Yes, yes. Can't go too much into that. Because again, it's one of the episodes we talk about. Yeah, they exist.
And that's one of the things that people sort of fail to realize is, you know, ASIO don't get guns. But there is an inherent threat of violence there if you don't do your job well. Right. And that's why a lot of the time when ASIO says no comment, and everyone goes, ah, but come on. It's like, no, it can put people's lives at danger. Maybe not an ASIO officer himself, but certainly an agent working for ASIO. So it's one of those things where you've got to be really careful. But yeah, I met people that really, I just like, okay, you'd probably kill me if you had the chance. My father-in-law. So if ASIO agents aren't allowed to have guns, are foreign agents in Australia, do you think they'd be armed at all? I have had some experience of this.
Which again, we talk about. Which we talk about. In short, yeah, yep.
There are certain embassies in this country that every embassy in the country is sovereign soil. So that is a little bit of your country, right? So imagine a country that has a population of, say, 330 million and is a global superpower. And out of that 330 million, there is probably 600 million guns.
And they speak the same language as us. And they speak the same language as us and produce a lot of movies and television that we watch.
You can be pretty rest assured that there will be weapons on the premises and possibly on the premises of the residents of that embassy or the workers of that embassy that may have a need for them. What about on the person of the residents of that embassy? Yes, yes. Particularly if that person is a federal agent that is required to carry one in the carriage of his duties. Who again, I've met these guys, they do. I mean, FBI guys in Australia that are seconded or posted to Australia would carry a firearm. They're meant to. Yeah, I've been to the US Embassy in Canberra and spoken to a Marine who had an assault rifle across his chest.
And I was like, mate, you're in Yarralumla. What do you think is going to come out of the fucking lake? You have no idea what goes on in Canberra, my friend. Yarralumla is a hotbed of danger.
Well, I hope you cover it in your podcast because I'm all ears. Funnily enough. Well, yeah, there's a lot. Is it episode two or episode three?
I think we actually titled it Yarralumla, The Danger Beneath. Yeah, the danger that lurks in the lake. Yeah, the swamp thing.
Is there any sex? Yes. OK.
Well, it's a bit awkward. It's public servant sex. Yeah, it's very awkward sex. It's clunky Canberra sex. When you say sex, it's not so much sexy.
Put it this way, I really expected the James Bond lifestyle, but you just don't get that. You don't, I mean, yes.
Did I have sex while working for ASIO? Yes. Did I have sex in the line of my duty? Grey area. Did you use your job as an excuse to break up?
Oh, hell yes. No, we covered that as well. Yes, we covered that. Oh, yeah, definitely use that. But the other and also my job ruined a great relationship. Yeah.
Totally ruined a great relationship I had going on because I just had to walk out of my de facto girlfriend at the time. I had to walk out of her birthday dinner.
Because I got a phone call. I might get this. This is how long ago I worked there. My beeper went off.
Oh, right. Dude.
And then you had to hit the phone with the ring. And then I had to go into the kitchen because we didn't even have mobile phones back then, right? Mobile phones were giant bricks.
And if anyone had one, it was like, you're a miracle worker. So yeah, there was sex and it was fun. So what type of thing would an ASIO agent be called out of a dinner to go and do? Like, like, like you often hear of like a doctor being called out to go and, you know, perform an operation. Well, there you go. You've just said the word there, perform an operation. But an intelligence operation as opposed to cutting somebody open.
Yeah. Essentially, I wound up travelling to another city and sitting in a car for about 45 minutes and then travelling back to Canberra being told, don't tell anyone where you've been. Okay. Right. What's the longest you've been put on someone? In like one sitting. Are we back to the sex question here? No, you are. So I wasn't allowed to do a lot of surveillance. Okay. Right. I wasn't because I was too tall and good looking. Yeah.
Um, that's what he likes. That's what I like to say.
Essentially, I was too tall. You're too strapping. I'm too tall, which makes it too easy to spot me twice. Right.
You're, you're, you're, you're looking for the familiar. You're constantly looking for the same thing over and over. And a tall guy is really easy to spot. Once you've seen him, he'll keep coming in.
The longest was, um, and we talk about this in an episode when I was called out to fly to Sydney to follow a diplomat who'd left Canberra without notification. Target countries generally have to notify Foreign Affairs if they're leaving.
The ACT.
Yeah. He didn't, he just flew off. And that's where we had, it really got, it was a, it was a grotesquely sexy ending. It's, it is probably my favorite ending ever. It wasn't, was it a happy ending? Yeah, it was for him.
It wasn't for us. It was really not a happy ending for us. That's not something you want to see at lunchtime, honestly.
You're, you're kind of, if they were to put you in surveillance, your best scenario would be sitting in a car. Yeah. Or a static watch. So sitting in a watch post, which I lived in one once. I didn't actually do the job, but I lived there.
That made it very awkward when I brought my girlfriend home, because I had to go, can I bring my girlfriend home? And they said, sure, but don't let her into the room. So I was sitting on it. That's my housemate's room. He doesn't ever come out to go in there. But the room had some serious lockage on it as well.
But the great thing was we're sitting there on the couch watching, watching the television and front door opens. And I'd brief the static watch guys that were working there that, look, I'm going to have my girlfriend over this night.
And it's like, yep, no worries about it. This guy walks in, oh g'day Terry, how's it going? Great. He goes into the room, unlocks the door with the three keys, goes in and shuts it. And then 15 minutes later, a completely different guy walks out. It's like, yeah, see you later Terry. The girlfriend's like, what's going on?
Terry, no, there was a different guy. No, it wasn't. That one didn't last long either.
It sounds like, I look forward to hearing someone make Canberra sound exciting. Canberra's a great place. I really get tired of people going, it's really boring. Now, look, here's the thing I love about Canberra.
You can go and buy a case of beer at one o'clock in the morning. Try that in Sydney.
Yeah. And you used to be able to get fireworks. And what, and porn. And the one thing that we discovered is we both went to the same high school in Canberra. So we kind of uncovered that during this whole thing. Did you, Michelle, have any friends who went down that path just because they were born in Canberra, not that particular path, but just became part of the Canberra machine? Yeah. A lot of people do.
And the reason why I was there was because my, my father was in the air force. So like, usually like everyone, you know, is either affiliated with like the air force or something like that. We were in Canberra because dad was Navy and dad was Navy intelligence as well in the end, which made it really awkward because dad was Navy intelligence. My mother was ex Navy.
And at one point she traveled to the Soviet Union. She went on a holiday and flew into Europe via Moscow. Uh, as she said, when she got out of Moscow, I'm going to vote liberal for the rest of my life.
Vote Maliepao. Yeah, she's doing all right.
Do little things like that you find, uh, come up as issues in your clearance and, or, or whatever, when they're looking into you? I think it probably delayed my entrance in a ways, you know, while they double checked the fact that dad was intelligence. Mum was a Navy communicator, admittedly long ago, back in the fifties, but mum visiting Moscow, they would have double checked and double checked and double checked. And also there, I think they were going, do we really want to hire a guy whose name is the name of a fictional spy, which I always went, yeah, I think you should. I think they basically went, yeah, let's get him in, screw the Brits up totally. Now, can you tell us a story you mentioned to us when we, when we first spoke off air, aside from your clearance and all your family and everything they need to look into, you've also got to be careful about the people you hang out with in your spare time.
Yeah. Uh, have you got any, uh, particular stories? There was one you were mentioning earlier about how, uh, you know, your, your recreational activities became of interest to your employers. My, my true career, as opposed to my part-time job working for ASIO, uh, was theater and Canberra has this incredible theater community and there was one theater that I did a lot of work at, a ton of work at, and one of the things you do at ASIO is, you know, lunchtime, you get to go into the file stacks and pull a file and read it. Yeah. I wonder what this is about. Cause your clearance takes you to that point where you can go and have a look at something. So yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, at anyone's file. Not at anyone's file. And I didn't look at personal files.
I like subject material. That's, I mean, looking at subject files and one was a theater company that I worked for that was regarded as a hotbed of communism mainly because a well known communist did a couple of shows there, right? And the funny thing is, is I talked to people that were mentioned on the file. Didn't tell them that they were mentioned on the file, but sort of said, Oh, I understand that such and such used to work here.
And they were, yeah, yeah. It was a bit of a rat bag, but nice bloke, nice enough. It was really quite interesting. But what I found was more interesting is the more I worked there, the more I kept meeting British and American diplomats that had a bit of a theatrical bent to them, and then one day the list of declared office intelligence officers. So these, this is a list of all the foreign intelligence officers that countries have actually said, he's our intelligent intelligence officer. He's in your country to liaise with him. I went through it and most of them were members of the same theater company. It was just like, I love it. Spies just want to be actors.
Pretty much. Yeah.
And it was, but the, the one thing was I was very, very indiscreet in telling, but funny enough, can you believe it? I was indiscreet about where I worked at the time, the way I'm so not indiscreet about it. And, uh, one of the guys that showed up, I can remember having a dinner with him and he sort of turned around to me, lovely Scottish chap, yo, so where do you work? And I went, ah, I work for ASIO. And it turned out he worked for GCHQ. Um, and it was just one of those things where I, when I found that out, you don't know GCHQ, I'm staring at you like, I know, yeah, I know you've got that look on your face and says, yes, I've got that look that I have no GCHQ is their version of signals directorate here. So electronic surveillance, electronic intelligence. So he was their liaison officer over here. And the great thing was I just turned around and went, uh, anyway, it's all right, please don't worry about it. I think it's quite funny that you're there. He saw the humour that I was working there more than the fact that you're an idiot. Yeah. And I think we really touch on that a lot in all the episodes, like the humour and the situations he ends up being in and the access to some things he just probably shouldn't have had access to. I think to this day, in fact, right now, ASIO is probably sitting there with their heads in their hands going, why the hell did we hire this guy? But the other thing that I really liked about it was, it was a funny place to work. There were genuinely funny and interesting people that worked in there with you. I remember one guy walking around with him in this amazing character that we have not done an episode about, but I wanted to do just about this one guy who walked out, he was, he was head of protocol.
He had the most amorphous title. Head of protocol. Yeah. Head of protocol, right.
Which makes you go, well, what do you do? And he was one of the, it took a long time to work out what he did. Essentially, he did lots of finagling behind the scenes. But he was walking around the building once with a manila envelope on his head. And it's like, yeah, John, what's going on?
I'm the Pope. And he just walked around for like half the day telling everyone he was the Pope.
And I just, I found that endearing. I liked, I quite liked it.
What were you in that building for any major world events? Historical moments? Oh, Fall of the Berlin Wall.
That was one. The commencement of the Gulf War. That was another one. The first one? Yeah, the first one. First one. The first Bush. The first one. The legitimate one.
Yeah, that was a really interesting experience because I remember at one point, Bush had said, you know, Bush Senior had said, midnight, you're out of Kuwait or we come in. And that was four o'clock in the afternoon, our time. So I remember walking into my office. At that point, I was working in a vault with 11 other people, very small room. But because of the material we were handling, it was so classified. And so much of it that we were actually in a vault. So at the end of the day, we just shut the vault door and lock it off. Whereas most other rooms, you have to clear your desk. We didn't have to clear our desk. Because if we did that, we'd be unpacking and packing all day. So I remember walking and going, all right, guys, it's four o'clock, it's on.
And somebody being really, really upset. You just want this to happen? And I went, well, kind of, yeah, because this is everything we've trained for. And like, it was at the first Gulf War was a monstrous effort from ASIO because they suddenly had to go out and do just interview after interview after interview. Like just they call cold start interviews where you knock on someone's door and say, hi, we're ASIO. We want to talk to you about Saddam Hussein calling for the mother of all battles. To whichever Iraqi we spoke to went, why do you think we're here to get away from that nutcase? So it was just a it was just a safety check kind of thing. But yeah, it was that was a huge one.
Tiananmen Square was horrific because none of us saw it coming. Well, none of us saw the fall of the Berlin Wall coming. The writing was on the wall. But we always thought that the Russians were going to bring the tanks in and end it.
But they just didn't have the money. They ran out of cash.
Right. And Tiananmen Square obviously didn't happen according to mainstream media and Huawei. But yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe that I mean, it was brilliant the way Deng Xiaoping used it afterwards when he turned around and basically said the education, all education who now want is we're going to turn around to every child and go, look, your parents went a bit nuts. Would you like a flat screen television? Let's just give you a little bit of, you know, market capitalism. And but the rest of the time, we're going to keep the thumb well and truly on your forehead. So yeah, it was very clever.
So were you there for 9-11? No. Got a lot of phone calls from a lot of friends that night though. Do you think, you know, as you were saying earlier about the man who took away your holidays, how you were leaving him off the bulletins, the very important stuff that was coming through? Do you think that's part of the reason why 9-11 happened in the first place? Someone left someone off the... No.
Yeah. That was entirely... We actually do talk about this on the podcast as well. We do talk about this on the podcast. Because it's very interesting because everyone, everyone has an opinion on September 11. Yeah.
And I think it was just a massive intelligence failure on the American's part because all the, all the pieces were there. When you look at 2020 hindsight is, you know, is what we all believe in. But ultimately, if there was one guy in the FBI who was screaming from the top of the roofs going, this is going, there's something wrong here. He died in the World Trade Center that day.
Yeah. He got it.
He left the FBI. There was no point in being there. No one would listen to him.
And he took up a job as this head of security at the World Trade Center and was in the building when the plane hit. Was his name Rick Reschola or something like that? I can't remember. Because there was one guy who went like, he was an English guy, really loved war, went to, he fought in Rhodesia, then went to Vietnam, then became head of security for, like, for an investment bank or something in, in...
In New York. Yeah. And then he got everyone out except for himself. No, this, and this is the thing, these, a lot of the American system was still analog, it was still card files. Yeah, right. But index files and things like that. Since then, the Americans have totally upgraded their system and for some reason left a USB port in a Nexus point. So Snowden went, oh, I wonder what would happen if I plugged a hard drive in here and downloaded everything. Yeah. Right.
So they, they went from being pretty much paper-based system to a computer-based system, but they didn't do the right way. They didn't set it up. And so in fact that it was a sealed system.
Yeah.
And I was living in, a funny story, I was living in Canada during that time. And while I was in Canada, I'd crossed the border just to go across, just to do some, on a ski trip, didn't have my passport with me.
So they were just like, that's fine. It just shows some ID. They fingerprinted me and like, let me go across. Anyway, September 11th happened. Then they went from, you know, being like this system that didn't really talk to each other. They uploaded all this information.
Now, every time I go to the US, I have to go through security and I have to go upgraded. I, I can't get through right away. I have to be interviewed.
Cause they flagged you from that day. Cause they flagged me from that day.
And you can't get off this list. Oh yeah. You just got, so I'm on this list.
Every time I go to the US, I have to go in and sat down, spoken to, interviewed every single time. And I'm there and there's like people crying, begging.
What the hell do they ask you? They, they just always ask me, where am I going? What happened? Why do they have my fingerprints? They always ask me these things.
I was having a ski trip in Colorado and some guys chose that day. Yeah. We, um, another guest we've had on this podcast, Becky Lucas, the comedian, was on her year seven excursion to Canberra on the day of nine 11. She remembers seeing a lot of grownups running around. Oh yeah.
That day would have been a nightmare because I remember sitting at home and watching it on TV. And my first thought was, I'm going to ring my old extension number at work. I wonder, it's 11 o'clock at night. I wonder, Jim Whaley is just going, this is, I remember ringing the line.
And when you answer the phone at ASIO, you go, yes, that's it. You don't say, yeah, ASIO, David Callan speaking.
Yes. And I went, what's going on? Who's this? It's Frosty. Talked to you in January and hung up. Really? Yeah. It was an old mate of mine that was sitting at my old desk and he basically went, shut up, go away. We don't have time. Yeah.
I know you're calling for gossip. How's everyone going? She's still going out with him. I'll speak to you in January.
Look, we might think it's, it's, it's these goat herders from, you know, a very regional part of Afghanistan that plotted to do this. Completely missed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go into Iraq.
Wait a minute.
Obviously, conspiracies are back and a lot of people are enjoying that. COVID-19, a lot of inconvenient, a lot of compromise in the life of a lot of people around the world. You know, the, the status quo has been rattled and obviously for want of an answer, people have decided their own truth.
Yeah. Can you tell me a little bit about some of the shit people have put in front of you, knowing that you work in ASIO? I remember getting stopped at the bus interchange in Canberra. I was still working for ASIO at the time and a friend of mine literally picked me up by the, you know, the scruff of my neck and threw me into, into a window and went, what did you do to Mordegai Vanunu? To which I just went, who?
Now does anyone know who Mordegai Vanunu is? Mordegai Vanunu was the guy who walked out of the Israeli nuclear power station with photos of their atomic warheads, right? The warheads that Israel still to this day deny having, right?
So what happened was he walked out of there and flew to Australia. Then he flew back to England. He flew to Rome, I think it was. He went to Rome to do an interview with Time newspaper, The Times, and then was arrested and spirited away from Rome back to Israel. And he's still in solitary confinement to this day.
Now the thing was, what it turned out was this friend of mine was there, ASIO did this and I'm like, I don't know who it is. And even if I did know who it is, what makes you think I'll tell you about it? But I went and did a bit of investigating and ASIO got nothing to do with it. I will throw my hands in the air and go, nah, there is nothing I can find that would, I found when I was working there would do that.
If there, and this is the thing with conspiracy theories is right. This is what really gets me is how many people does it take to sustain a conspiracy?
Well, he was so convincing that you went and did your homework. I went and did my homework. Here's the homework that happened.
And this is the story that I love was, Vanunu actually wound up in Sydney with a bunch of Jesuit priests. He converted to Christianity. That was no, no, number one. Yeah, you stole our nuclear secrets, but for God's sake, you became a Christian.
But where he took photos using just a little camera back in the day, it was film camera. It was developed in the 24 hour developing shop on Oxford Street, one of those ones where you can actually see it being developed in the window. So you see the photos going through some of the most highly classified photos in the world, in the world were literally being shown to the entire world as they were being developed on Oxford Street.
Now, the thing was, he was picked up because he was, he contacted The Times, but also he would have been picked up by simply by traveling. Because when you put your passport into the system, it flags your passport everywhere. And if your passport has a flag on it, as in your situation, every time you go to the United States, you get stopped. Once you're in the system, they can find you.
And that is essentially what happened was the, and the Israelis, the Israeli intelligence services are very, very good at what they do. Like really good, like scary, like to the point where most people don't want to deal with the Israelis because you're never going to win.
Yeah. Right. And that, so that was one of the conspiracy theories. My other favorite conspiracy theory was this person who wanted ASIO to stop John Laws for bugging her teeth. As in her choppers. Yeah. In her mouth. Yeah.
One of the great things we used to read was the crank file. And the crank file was unsolicited.
Tip offs.
Now, let's think of the be alert but not alarmed national security hotline. Yeah. About how many phone calls do you think they got?
I've just seen, I've just seen a bag by itself in Canberra Airport. I've seen a bag by itself in Newcastle Airport.
About 20,000. It wasn't that big. Right. About 20,000. Out of that 20,000, about 10,000 had to be actioned.
Somebody had to investigate this. That's a lot of work for an organization that isn't that big. ASIO is not this hugely encompassing edifice. It's actually a very small boutique little federal agency. So we get unsolicited letters, mainly. Generally, if you're writing us a letter, it's not that urgent. But we read those letters and a lot of the time it was like, that's got to go to the crank file.
Yeah. Because yeah, when the UFO landed on your house, and a Russian speaking alien. Okay, okay.
Yeah, we'll check it out. We'll have a look. We'll check, and you do, you check all the names, you check all the organizations or groups that may be mentioned in it. And generally, when you do that search comes up with buckets. And then it just goes into that file where at lunchtime, you read it and go, man, get back on your meds, essentially.
So there was a lot of that stuff going on as well. But most of the conspiracy theories, you know, bombing was a conspiracy theory. You know, according to a lot of people, the CIA did it. They were the power behind it. 9-11 conspiracies.
Which we touch on. But I think one of the things that we also talked about, because in my profession as well, like I always run into people who have these massive conspiracy theories. I mean, we've got the 5G going on at the moment. And we do talk about this. We're like, to maintain a conspiracy theory, we'll maintain a conspiracy. Like, it means that a lot of people aren't saying anything.
And do you think that that would ever happen? Like something on the scale of 9-11? Yeah. It just is impossible. Yeah, for sure.
It's, there's a lot of, like, I mean, do you also find we're expecting a lot of elected officials? I mean, a lot of these people...
Like to do their job. Well, they would fuck up a cup of coffee. You think they could orchestrate 9-11?
And we talked about that as well. It's so true. That's true. And I mean, the other thing as well is one of the great, great, well not conspiracies so much as one of the great secrets was the Cuban Missile Crisis and how that was solved. Right. Essentially, they had a businessman in Turkey, the Americans had a business, New York businessman in Turkey, that could also talk to the Russians, had contacts with Russia. So basically, through this middleman, through what's called cut out, they got the information across and they said to the Russians, if you take your Cuban missiles out, we'll take the Titan missiles out of Turkey. Yep.
Nobody will ever know this. No one will tell anyone that this happened.
Right now, something like that would have probably required 15 or 20 people. Yeah. That's not a lot of people for a conspiracy to rest on. And yet within three years, it was public knowledge. Yeah. Right. So that's the thing. I mean, the moonshot, that would have taken tens of thousands of people to create. Including like 40 people in Parks, New South Wales. Yeah. Come on, they played cricket on that dish.
You cannot expect them to be completely discreet. So the whole thing with conspiracy theories is, and as we say in the episode, it really is more to aggrandize the theorist than it is anything else. I know something you don't, I'm smarter than you. That's what conspiracy theory really does. And that's why we look forward to your podcast because there's a lot we do not know.
And it's, and it's actually great to hear it come from an actual authority. Well, I think I'm too far. As close as we're going to get. It's also great to have a handler here to just woo you up when you start maybe applying that creative license that would have made for a great career in ASIO.
I don't want to come home to an envelope of a suspicious white powder that I can't breathe in. Isn't that Sydney's East? The Bondi marching powder. I'm none of that in Canberra, of course. Yeah, whatever you do, whatever you do, if it smells of marzipan, don't open it.
Thank you for joining us today. This is I Spy it. David and Michelle, this is very exciting stuff. Thanks for coming in. Thanks. Thanks for having us.
No worries. Do not know.
And it's, and it's actually great to hear it come from an actual authority. Well, I think I'm too far. As close as we're going to get. It's also great to have a handler here to just woo you up when you start maybe applying that creative license that would have made for a great career in ASIO.
I don't want to come home to an envelope of a suspicious white powder that I can't breathe in. Isn't that Sydney's East? The Bondi marching powder. None of that in Canberra, of course. Yeah, whatever you do, whatever you do, if it smells of marzipan, don't open it.
Thank you for joining us today. This is I Spy it. David and Michelle, this is very exciting stuff. Thanks for coming in. Thanks. Thanks for having us. No worries. |
TheOnion | Reclusive_Terrence_Malick_Of_The_Beltway_To_Release_First_New_Law_In_20_Years | Lawmakers and citizens are eagerly awaiting the release of the new law from mysterious independent Congressman Henry Crawford. Dubbed the Terrence Malick of the Beltway, the enigmatic Crawford has written and released only six laws in 40 years and refuses to be photographed or to do press to promote his bills. Shunning the Washington system, Crawford lives in Austin, Texas, where he obsessively crafts every aspect of his legislation. Law buffs say the release of a new Crawford law is a major event. Crawford's first law, regulating tariffs on microprocesses, came out in 1973, way ahead of its time.
It's still taught in every law school in the country. He's a real auteur. I'll vote for any law he makes.
Though Crawford's laws are critically acclaimed, they often struggle to find an audience in a landscape saturated with blockbuster legislation. But fellow lawmakers say Crawford's quiet aesthetic and philosophical themes are what sets him apart from other Congressmen. Too many laws today are about sex and violence. Crawford writes legislation about big themes that are still extremely personal. He's a genius. A synopsis of Crawford's upcoming law, H.R. 188, has not been released, but fans expect it to be a lyrical exploration of man's place in nature. |
cracked | the_dark_secret_behind_quirky_romantic_comedies_manic_pixie_dream_girl_parody | Hi there! I am so sorry that I kept you waiting. You must be- Kyle! We spoke on the phone. Yes, hello Kyle. And you must be Katie! Oh! I like to listen to the songs in my head. I'm sorry. I paid the cab driver and buttons! Well, why don't I show you two around the facilities?
When did you first suspect you were dating a manic pixie dream girl? Everything seems so perfect at first. You know, she was cute, but quirky and awkward. On her first date, she said she wanted pancakes for dinner. But I felt alive.
But then after a few months, she can't feed herself. She can't pay bills.
She just wanders at the marvels every moment. Every moment. We got married in a fucking bouncy castle. Should I get her? Oh no, it's alright. She can wander. We have excellent security. I'm going to be honest with you, Kyle. Your wife's case is severe. But, as you can see, our facilities are designed to help girls like Katie function in... Oh, for the love of...
Out!
For the last time, she is here for her own good. She's such a free spirit. I know, sir, but she's really very sick.
She listens to the Smiths. They all listen to the Smiths.
Okay, I made a mix-y deal for her. I will make sure she gets it. I'm writing a play right now. I'm in the middle of the first act. She's my baby.
Sorry about that. It's best not to watch anymore.
Do you think it's possible to ever be truly in the moment? The Native Americans believe everything is a lie. This is real pixie. Even the smart guy. From the wings of a pixie. This should be a game where you put this thing right here, and then you can make a jolly around to really pass right through. I told him the best place to see the night sky is laying in the middle of the street. It's the flattest place there is.
She does seem happy. Happy as she can be, I suppose. Yes, it's okay. Go ahead.
How do they do that? We don't really know. The manic pixie dream girl condition is still only dimly understood. Although my own theory is severe retardation of the brain.
Excuse me. If I don't go out there, they drown. Who all the republicists say I'm so high? Hey, all these commenters that are like, where's Swaim? Or, hey, the sketch is... I have a life, all right? I can't be in every single video. I don't know if I'm in the video you just watched, but even if I wasn't, it's got my fucking fingerprints all over it, all right? So just sit there and shut up and subscribe to the channel and stop asking questions that, frankly, you don't want to know the answer to.
Africa. I was in Africa. That's all I'm going to say. |
dropout | the_don_t_laugh_newsroom_challenge_episode_2 | Meryl Streep feasts tonight. Hide your children and hang a bow, a fresh rosemary over your door. Streep season is upon us.
MUSIC From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. I'm Scrum Tutorskoots. And I'm Danny Warbox. No relation.
Teens. They're America's largest children. But could they also be the dumbest? Only months after satisfying their hunger for Tide Pods, teens have started a new, dangerous fad.
Taking shits while standing up. That's right. No squatting or bending or anything. Just standing perfectly straight and squeezing out a turd. It's called an culturing because your butthole is unbelievably tight. You spew shit everywhere. And when you're done, everyone hates you.
Though some doctors say an culturing is physically impossible, others say no. I bet I could do it. Then everyone just sort of imagines how that whole thing would even work. Despite these warnings from the medical community, hundreds of teens have attempted the an culture challenge to the detriment of bathrooms everywhere. Asked about how the phenomenon has affected his bathroom, one Starbucks manager in Brooklyn said, I have seen no difference. Disturbing stuff, Scrum. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. While YouTube has promised to remove all videos of lock-kneed teens dropping a deuce, more go up every day as people hear about the challenge and say, hey, yeah, what would that look like? And more importantly, what would it feel like? Enticing questions to be sure.
And now for entertainment news, we go to Shunch Cucumbers. Shunch? Thanks, Scrum.
If you're a fan of the Transformers movie, you're shit out of luck, because I'm gonna talk about Call Me By Your Name. Big news for the peach that got fucked by Timothy Chalamet. This lovable bundle of juices set to star in the remake of American Pie 2, in the role of the pie. That's right, they're only remaking the second one.
Also, Streep Alert, Streep Alert, Meryl Streep feasts tonight. Hide your children and hang a bow of fresh rosemary over your door. Streep season is upon us. Streep will feast on the bones of the unworthy. Fear and glory to Streep.
Finally, it's pilot season, and America can't wait to see what piece of shit is only gonna last one month. The top contender this year is a show where a detective solves crimes, but it's also something else, like a werewolf or a time traveler or a man with a perfect memory or something. But the greatest mystery is the one that he is closest to, like the murder of a family member. He could also be a licensed psychiatrist or a dog walker, or maybe he just has a mental illness. Yes, it seems like America is always ready to tolerate a show about a detective who is also one other thing, but only for about a month.
I'm sorry, Chunch, I'm gonna have to interrupt you. We're getting some breaking news from the mall. We go live to our man in the street, Twink Marmalade. Tell us what you're seeing, Twink. Chaos, Scrum, utter chaos. Starbucks is releasing seven new drinks and people are rioting. What sort of new drinks are we talking about here, Twink?
Oh, you better believe I'm gonna list them. Please do. Nothing would make me personally happier right now than to hear you list a couple of new Starbucks flavors. Then buckle up, Danny, because here I go. We've got the caramel-fisted Bambino, the Blumkin spice latte, the burnt dinner coffee poured by Brassy Waitress who calls you Hun, red and gravy mocha, salted chapstick macchiato, a cup full of bones, and something just called Jeremy. Yum, I can't wait to pour some Jeremy down my throat. Then get down here, Scrum, and enjoy a popping hot venti Jeremy while you still can.
We will. Thanks, Twink. Thank you, Danny. No, thank you. Okay. Well, that's all the time we have. To all our viewers at home, good night or good luck. And an extra special congratulations to our employee of this week this week. We aren't supposed to laugh or smile and this person really beefed it the most. Congrats to Allie. What? Thank you.
Please help. |
SaturdayNightLive | karl_s_video_jeff_goldblum_and_steven_tyler_snl | Looking for a comedy? um, yeah, maybe. you know what's good? Meatballs 3. right above your left hand over there. no Bill Murray, but a great cast. good character development. a lot of laughs. can't go wrong. Meatballs 3.
Well, thanks anyway, but I don't think that's something I'd like. All right. all right. it's your night. your decision. take a look-see. Hey. looking for a drama? yeah. you know what's good? traces of red. just got it in. great cast. Lorraine Bracco, Jim Belushi. good plot line. good running time. 94 minutes. not too long. not too short. good film. well, I'm not sure about that one, but thanks very much. All right. all right. it's your night. you're the one watching it, not me, right? it's your 94 minutes, right? that's right. thank you.
Hey, do you have the verdict I hear? it's very good. The verdict. who's in that? you know, Paul Newman? yes. it's right above your right hand. The verdict. There you go. Oh, great. I don't know if you're going to like it. it's too predictable. you realize halfway through he's going to win the case.
No surprises. Well, now I know how it ends, so I guess I don't have to rent that one. All right. all right. I'm sorry. my fault. it's your night. you're the boss. Listen, do you have an adult section? sure. pornos. back corner. hey, if you need any help, my name is Carl with a k. give a yell. ready? Yeah. okay. oh, yeah. yeah, see that? a lot of stars come in here. a lot of stars. all the time. in and out. I got all their credit card numbers. I don't do anything with them. Okay. show it on the lesser guard. All right.
Lady Hawk. okay. on Golden Blonde. Are you Jeff Goldblum? you're Jeff Goldblum?
Yes. oh, my God. this is great. No way. You, sir, are great. I am a fan. this is so neat for me.
Oh, my God. could you just throw that in a bag or something? Yeah. do you have a glossy or something I could put on my wallet? yeah. fine. but can you just go ahead and ring those right up?
Oh, wow. you know, Bob Saget comes in here a lot. Big, porn-free. he likes the girl-of-girl stuff. nice guy.
I got his own phone number. I'm not going to do anything with him. Okay. hey, listen. you recommended these, and these are horrible. you're not going to charge me for them.
Oh, you're Jeff Goldblum. I can't believe you're here. Oh, yeah. I can. I can. a lot of stars come in here all the time.
Shirley Hemphill was in here two days ago, rented car wash. loved it. nice lady. I got her address. I'm not going to do anything with it. So what do you got here? Oh, Lady Hawk. this is really good.
Oh, yeah. that's not all. Oh, this is disgusting. Mom, is he a pervert? yes, he is. Hey, listen. ignore her. she ran to Troop Beverly Hills for three weeks. mm-hmm. don't listen to anything she says.
Oh, jesus. you were in, into the night. Yeah. one of my favorites. Oh, thank you. 1985. Good set design, good costumes, good running time. I am a fan. thank you very much. you really are.
Tell me something. Yeah. between you, me, and the wall, did you and Michelle Pfeiffer have a little off-screen? hey, that's good. I think that's a personal question. All right, all right. hey, none of my business, right? that's your call. Wow. can I interest you in a rewind machine while you're here? On sale. 1995, Gabe Kaplan got two. he's a nice guy. Rent's face is a death, kind of weird. Oh, really? no, well, I just, you know, when the tape finishes, I can just push the rewind button. no? All right, that's your call. it's your night. you're the boss. how you doing?
All right, George Carlin doesn't rewind, but God love me as a busy man. I don't charge him.
Oh, well, that's so nice of you. Yeah. okay, we'll take. excuse me. Yeah, back corner. thanks. Listen, if you could just bring that glossy in, a lot of stars come in here and like this show off. will do. Okay. okay. nice to meet you. nice to meet you. thank you. excuse me. do you work here? uh, back corner. |
Wizards_with_Guns | that_guy_who_thinks_being_mean_comedy | I'll get it Is that Derek? Who's here? Uh, it's Derek our uh, our friend from college. Oh cool. Is he a chill guy? That's who I found! Hey, Bryce! Good to see you, man. Oh, Derek, this is Mike. He destroys at Fight Boys. Oh nice. Nice to meet you, man. Yeah, of course, you know Bryce He's garbage at Fight Boys Okay, at least I'm not as bad as Derek.
Okay.
Derek sucks So much But Bryce, I literally cream you every time.
Not at Adrienne's Halloween party. Oh, of course we're bringing up the Halloween party. The one- The Halloween party!
Mike, I don't think you were there actually. Yeah, but I'm sure Derek is nothing so stupid or dumb Classic Derek Speaking of dumb Bryce, I heard you got back together with Audrey again? Oh my god, I knew you were gonna bring that up Are you kidding me?
You son of a bitch. Dude, when are you gonna learn? When is the hundredth- You bitch. He's a bitch Derek, you want something to drink?
I got white claw, just beer if you want. Um, no, that's okay I actually don't drink anymore. Oh my god, you forgot how to drink, bro? It's called like a cup or a straw Frank, just stop. Frank, Derek doesn't know how to drink anymore. I didn't forget how to drink. Okay, I stopped drinking because- I'm just yanking your chain, man.
Come on Here you go, Bryce. Oh, thanks. Is this lime? Yeah, I thought you'd like lime.
Derek eats from the trash.
Whoa. What? What are you talking about?
I saw Derek eating trash earlier. You're lying. I wasn't eating out of the trash Yeah, right out of the dumpster. I was there. I saw it. He had his mouth full.
Mike, what's your problem? Relax, it's a joke. It's an inside joke we have. I don't know you. We just met him. It's called joshing around. We're all friends here. Yeah, I guess.
It's just Derek- Let me in! Let me in!
What the hell is wrong with you? Oh my god, I'm just yanking your josh, dude You should see your face right now.
I gotta take a picture. Give me a phone. Give me your phone Mike! Thanks.
What's your passcode? I'm not gonna tell you my passcode.
Come on. We're friends. No, we're not Just give it back. Never mind. I guessed it. How?
It was your birthday. How do you know my birthday?
Cuz we're such good friends Why are you so nervous, bro? Are you scared I'm gonna see all your dick pics?
What? Does Derek have a good tiny dick or something? Derek doesn't have a dick, dude Huh?
No, it's true It's actually why I stopped drinking. I um, I don't have anything to piss it out with Oh, um Look Derek I'm sorry, man Sometimes I just have a rough time with boundaries, especially when I meet new people It's just because well, I really wanted to be your friend I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go Wait Huh? If you leave You're gonna miss the fight boys tournament What? How else am I gonna cream you? You bitch Hey guys, thanks for watching be sure to LIKE comment and subscribe or Mike will throw you off a balcony Also special thanks to zoo QWOP studios If you guys want to support more sketch comics on YouTube head to their channel and consider subscribing Derek eats trap Derek eats dear Derek eats trash |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Perth_Cops_It_The_Sydney_Exodus_Collingwood_s_Racism_Report_And_More_F_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording here live from Budgie Smuggler studio in downtown Batutah joined by myself Clancy over all editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker editor at large how are you? Always good mate. What about you Wendell? Yeah much the same as Errol Clancy how are you? Yuck I'm going alright mate it's a lovely day just got paid pack it up I'll be on my way after this what's first in the news this week?
We'll start off over in Western Australia Perth is currently receiving a condensed version of last year. From the pangolins revenge to the bushfires plaguing the Perth hills residents of our nations west are currently enjoying the condensed version of what the east coast went through last year and that's according to the state's leader Mark McGowan. As he said big rain coming which will put out the fires everyone will be able to breathe easy then.
On top of that we haven't had any infections from that recent scare with the hotel worker so that's okay. Yeah that is some good news on the covid front hopefully they'll be back to drinking $28 pints of little creatures in no time.
Now internationally a weeping hedge fund billionaire has revealed that he's been forced to sell the holiday house he'd forgotten about. Yes as is always the case with these kinds of stories there's a human cost and suffering as a side effect to what happened in the stock market. While everyone was laughing about reddit and the common man getting one over the big end of town one multi billionaire has revealed the toll it's taken on him and his three families. Yeah Orville Van Dandelton explained that he had to sell one of his waterfront homes on the little island he owns in the Caribbean called Mayorka and at only a net 180% profit. So while it's been all fun and games for the small fish it hasn't been easy at the top. Quite sad Chris Howard left a comment on that story with a bit of advice saying that he just needs to pull himself up a little bit harder on those amazing bootstraps he seems to have.
Back here in Australia a sky weather meteorologist has politely nodded this week as Alan Jones explains climate change to her. Yes a woman of science who asked to remain anonymous said she had the subject of her masters thesis explained back to her in the workplace this week prompting her to nod and smile and laugh a little bit to make the situation less awkward for the gentleman doing the explaining. That man being Alan Jones who as he likes to do started lecturing her on climate change and weather patterns as if he were an expert in it before he trundled off to go and do something again on live television.
And staying down in Sydney for our next story a new study has found people are leaving Sydney in droves due to the fact it's a massive shithole. Yeah it's quite damning this report but it really is quite hard to argue with. I think it's interesting though that unlike almost all of our other major cities people actually don't like living in Sydney and people actually don't like defending their city. Yeah I mean we published this extremely derogatory story about their city and no one really got fired up in the comments. Imagine saying that about Brisbane or Melbourne or even Perth. The barrage of abuse would be non-stop. Misspell a suburb of Melbourne and they're blowing up, let alone calling their city a shithole.
We'll wrap up with some sports news and Eddie Maguire has run the media through his and I quote, favourite wog food to prove Collingwood isn't racist. Yes it's been a big week for the Collingwood football club. A report revealed that this institution has been at the majority of racism scandals in Australian sport and within Australia's most racist code is racist. And to try and swing back public opinion and brush this whole thing under the carpet as they like to do Collingwood president Eddie Maguire fronted the media with a real spread in front of him to try and pretend he isn't racist. Turkish delight, shisha, juros and of course Greek salad and so on. Pretty smart piece of PR there from old neck roll Maguire.
And I for one, I was surprised he didn't reference the fact that he has some black friends or some black acquaintances. Really shocked me there. Yeah that's a tried and tested method for anyone trying to justify or excuse their racism so it is surprising. He said Collingwood can't be racist because they're both black and white. Hahahaha. Anyway it didn't go down well in the live press conference. No the players of Collingwood's football and netball team had to apologise on his behalf.
Anyway, that is the weekly bulletin for this week. Thanks for your company as always, we'll talk to you again in 7 days time. Have a good one, see ya. Hurrup. Wagwan. Shashani. |
SaturdayNightLive | maya_rudolph_and_vampire_weekend_promise_a_resplendent_snl | Hi, I'm Maya Rudolph and I'm hosting Snl this week with Vampire Weekend. we can't wait to hear your music. Yes, we love your music. not cool, guys. I'm so sorry, Vampire Weekend. Hi, I'm Maya Rudolph and I'm hosting Snl this week with Vampire Weekend. This is going to be a great show, mostly because of you, Vampire Weekend.
Oh, so we're going to do this right now? I told you.
I didn't take your hair dryer. Oh, so it just disappeared the last time you hosted. Okay, fine. but it was originally my hair dryer. it was not.
Guys! Sorry, Vampire Weekend. Hi, I'm Maya Rudolph and I'm hosting Snl this week with Vampire Weekend. Hey, how did y'all come up with the name Vampire Weekend? Oh, it's just a combination of our real names.
I'm Vampire Friday. I'm Vampire Saturday. And I'm Vampire Sunday.
So does that answer your silly little question during my promo-keening? Yes, Ma'am. Hi, I'm Maya Rudolph and I'm hosting Snl this week with Vampire Weekend. This is going to be a great show. it's going to be a fantastic show. a tremendous show. spectacular. sublime. resplendent. Okay, Ezra. dang. |
dropout | crippling_levels_of_manliness_ch_shorts | Uh... I...
I don't know. What? And now that I think about it, I've never had a cosmopolitan in my whole damn life. I have no idea what this tastes like. Well, well, it doesn't matter because nothing compares to the smooth taste of... Oh my god. What? What is it?
It's because I'm terrified. I'm so afraid of what people might think if I order one of these that I just never have. I'm afraid of a cosmopolitan. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're fearless.
You don't need that, pink shit. You're right. I don't own anything, pink. Hell yeah. No, that's a bad thing.
Am I afraid of a color? No, no. No, but I am afraid of the appearance of femininity. I'm avoiding a whole section of the light spectrum. So in a way, I am afraid of a color.
This is crazy. It's not crazy. You're not afraid. You just don't like it, okay? Why are you getting so emotional? It's not... I'm not. You're just pissing me off, okay? Anger is an emotion. You're fearless. Am I?
The more I think about it, the more it feels like I'm afraid of anything even slightly feminine. Bags with one strap, owning a fuel-efficient car, getting excited about seeing a Pomeranian. Why am I afraid of these things? I'm in a psychological prison of my own making.
No, no, you're a backwoods, hard-talking hair on your chest. God, yeah. The hair. You know, I don't even trim my pubes. Hey, come on, man. Don't talk to me about that. This is important.
Now, I have a massive bush. Make my dick look like a tiny worm drowning in fur. It's very important to me that I feel like I have a big dick, but apparently not important enough to risk my masculinity with a little personal grooming in a private place few people will ever see.
Come on, man. That is really something. I'm all fucked up, man. Shut the hell up already. You're a big, strong man who hates pussy shit and loves pappy jacks. Wait a minute. This is your fault. What? Oh, shut up, man. My whole life. You've been selling me the idea that manly is good and feminine is bad. Okay, okay. We got to wrap this thing up. It sounds like maybe you suck and no one should listen to you. Here's some drugs. Wait, wait, wait. Don't cut away from me. This is important.
Smashing through the mud. It's a bunch of trucks. Pappy Jack's Frontier Whiskey, because you're fearless.
I never told my dad I loved him. I love you, dad!
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking.
Please. Please help. |
cracked | 6_celebrities_that_can_t_figure_out_basic_human_activities_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and many famous people are defined by what they can't do as much as what they can. Claude Monet's eyes lost the ability to focus and he invented Impressionism.
Based on their movies, you'd never guess that the height of most male movie stars prevents them from riding most rides at Disneyland. They use their careers and wooden boxes to overcome the literal shortcoming that's dogged them their whole life. Sometimes, the things celebrities can't do are so weird, it's kind of impressive they've been able to function normally in society at all.
Benny Dick's Cumber Babies, as we call them in Hollywood, broke through playing a version of Sherlock Holmes who has 1,000 fully articulated thoughts racing through his mind at any given second. But there's one simple word that the real Benny and the Dick's can't articulate no matter how much time you give him. This was cut together from a BBC documentary about the South Pacific by YouTube user Graham Hughes, and it's mind-melting.
Now, it's important that you understand those are the takes they went with after the director gave up. Those are the best ones. There was a 30-minute long real world rendition of that scene from Hail Caesar where Ray Fiennes goes back and forth with a cowboy trying to get him to deliver the line. Would that it twer- Wait, watch my mouth.
Would that it twer so simple?
Oh dear, why did you say that? Why did you say twer?
But with the director saying, alright, motherf***er, penguin and Cumberbatch saying, panlons, painlegs, that's what I said. Because penling and penguins were the closest they got all day. He finally got it right on the Graham Norton show after explaining his performance on the documentary like this. Apparently I got it wrong repeatedly in the documentary. It wasn't a documentary about said animal. And yet somehow it annoyingly makes him more charming. Penguin. F*** you, man.
Alright, I love Kanye West music. I find him endlessly fascinating as a performer. But if I could have one of his gifts, it would be his complete inability to feel awkwardness. See, a lot of the stuff people hand wave away is craziness.
It's actually just a dude who can stare you in the eyes and be like, hold on, I didn't like your video as much as Beyonce's. Beyonce's video was much better.
Here. I'm really happy for you. I'm gonna let you finish.
But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. Without feeling even a twinge of the butterflies and heartburn, the rest of us experience in awkward moments. Arguably the greatest illustration of this nonsense is a little-seem video taken by complex news anchor Tamara Dia from the St. Pablo tour. Per context, the tour's gimmick was that Kanye performed the whole show on a stage that hovered around the stadium like a slow motion magic carpet. Being on the floor felt like being in a mosh pit in the Blade Runner universe and being up above was equally cool looking.
But on the night in question, midway through the show, he just said, turn the lights up, show's over, I can't let y'all have a show where I can't perform, I'm sorry. I can't let y'all have a show like this. Now, I'm the sort of person who wouldn't cut a date short if I was actively bleeding to death under the table. I would just die quietly with my eyes held open to avoid seeming rude. But Kanye stops the show because he can't go 100%.
And I think everybody got their money back, so it's almost admirable. But what happens next is truly amazing.
Whether he realized it or not, he decided to cancel the show when the stage was at the complete other end of the stadium from where it docked. And so with the lights coming on and thousands of people staring at him, he has to slowly float out of the stadium. If I walk into a room with more than five people in it, I become self-conscious about what to do with my hands. But this dude just takes that slow motion ride over the heads of thousands of increasingly pissed off fans like he's just waiting in line at a movie.
I cover Krak's Diva Watch beat and my girl bimometer started picking up chatter a few years back when Ariana, don't call me Venti, Grande, stormed off the side of a photo shoot because the photographer insisted on taking pictures of both sides of her face. Then her bodyguard confronted him in the parking lot and told him he had to delete all the pictures of the right side of her face. E! News anchor Juliana Rancic, who apparently doesn't know how to spell her first name, came forward saying that Grande's people had actually made her switch spots at an award show so Ariana could hide her right side and show off her left. Now the fact that she has a right side to her face would seem like something Ariana would want out there, being something she has in common with all but her most unfortunate fans. But the Diva Watch Research Squad was able to uncover a couple of photos of Grande with her right side showing and woof that clump of seaweed and shower drain spunk appears to have eyes you guys. Now obviously she looks great on both sides, which kind of makes the whole thing weirder.
Daniel Radcliffe suffers from a mild case of dyspraxia, a disorder that affects handwriting, shoe tying, and other fine motor skills. It also causes his eyes to kind of misfire and go off at different times when he blinks, which I feel bad making fun of because it's technically a condition, but not too bad because there's no need to be ashamed of one's blinking prowess. My wife can't wink and watching her try is one of the most adorable slash hilarious things I get to do on a regular basis. She just goes, it's terrible. So why should it be any less adorable that he can only wink?
Let's check out this video cut together by crack writer Eric Jern. Oh, ew, gross. Stop that. No, that's bad. You've got a demon or something, man. You need to get that fixed, brah. All right, quick lightning round.
Thanks to last year's Oscars, we all know Nicole Kidman can't clap. But wait till you see her try and run. The daughter from Gilmore Girls forgot how to hold things between the end of the show and the beginning of the Netflix movie. No actors know how to type. But the granddaddy of them all. Apparently, to get admitted to the Screen Actors Guild, you need to first prove to them that you can't throw a baseball worth of ****.
You guys ever notice how celebrities who reveal themselves to be human monsters in old age can't seem to figure out how to use YouTube? Probably not, since despite their ultra huge fame, only like a few people have watched Bill Cosby or Donald Trump's YouTube channel. And there's actually a really good reason. They don't understand just how anything on YouTube works. As Cody pointed out in his video about Trump's vlog, for being the most famous person in the world, and someone who just used social media to hijack western civilization, it's weird so many of Trump's videos have like no views. Although it's easy to understand why nobody gives a **** about his vlog. First of all, it's buried on the Trump Organization YouTube page. Under hot playlists like Trump International Realty, Trump The Next Generation, nice Star Trek reference nerds, Trump Golf, Donald Trump Jr., which obviously only has like three videos, and then one helpfully named just Trump. The playlist from The Desk of Donald Trump contains 66 nearly identical videos of Trump at his desk unleashing just ice cold takes on subjects I'm pretty sure nobody even gave a **** about at the time. Like Ryan Seacrest getting ashes dumped on him as part of Sacha Baron Cohen's publicity stunt at the Oscars.
For some reason, Trump becomes fixated on why one security guard in the background should be fired. And the security guard that was standing to the right, he ought to be fired immediately. And I only wish that the security guard that allowed it all to happen, number one gets fired, and number two, go to school, learn about being security.
You don't know, man. Thus ends Donald Trump's brief but memorable attempt to make you don't know, man, his next hit catchphrase. Later on in that same video, we get to witness another staple of his vlog. Donald Trump asks himself questions and pretends other people are asking them.
A lot of people are asking me about the Academy Awards. Bizarrely, he used this fake question not as an opportunity to talk about the Oscars, like the fake people are demanding, but to claim that he heard the Vanity Fair after party was boring. I hear that the absolute worst party of the evening was the Vanity Fair party.
Because he's a man of the people. And also, he didn't get invited because he wouldn't be caught dead at that party.
And they know it. And it was boring and people were sleeping and probably all wondering why he wasn't there. Anyways, that's just one of the more popular of 66 nearly identical videos on this vlog. Which, since Cody made fun of it, has mostly been made private. Weird.
The least popular video that's still public is Trump pretending people are asking him questions about who good presidents are and China. One of you have asked, when was the last time we had a leader, a real leader in Washington? Another person asked, what are the long-term liabilities if we continue to allow China to do what they're doing to this country? It's been viewed fewer times than Trump tweets in a day because it was released at a time when nobody gave a s*** what he thought about the presidency or international relations. A stark reminder of how quickly a nation can lose its f***ing mind.
Hey, speaking of losing your mind, Bill Cosby seems to think YouTube's some manner of phone. Here he is without any context whatsoever quietly saying, yes, and then announcing the video's over 11 seconds later. Presumably when YouTube didn't answer him. Or because we just watched Bill Cosby shooting his pants.
You're s*** gross. Hey, look, another one. Well, sir, here's my face. And it's in Italian, too. The title of that video? Here's my face and it's in Italian, too. Yes, those sure are the words you said.
Hey, was that a bad dream? They can't capture bad dreams and put them on YouTube yet, can they?
So yeah, it's not really clear what Bill Cosby thinks YouTube is. Some places he seems to think it's a phone, others it seems like he thinks it's just where you go to read out of context punchlines to Garfield comics. I eat myself into this and I'm going to eat myself out of it. Either way, before any more of our celebrities get much older, we should check their YouTube channels. Because YouTube blindness is apparently a symptom that they'll turn out to be historic villains in a third act plot twist.
I don't know why those two things are related, but as a wise man once said, You don't know, man. Yeah, I already said I didn't know. Man. It's just not a very versatile catchphrase.
And if you want to watch more videos, hit one of the two boxes on the right. Also, don't forget to hit the notification bell icon below, so YouTube will notify you and we have a new video that you can watch. |
cracked | why_you_shouldn_t_get_drunk_with_superheroes_antiheroes_episode_3 | Previously on anti-heroes I think I like creams better than creams I'm wearing the same shirt as yesterday. Maybe people will think I got laid last night It looks like garbage today. I wonder what her whole body was like He got laid last night.
Man, that guy's cool. We should do like sports or something They show up on the field on dapper with sunglasses You guys think it's okay to make it work? This is going to be so much fun?
No, no I am NOT spending the entire evening hearing everyone's thoughts and actually you're good. You don't have very many thoughts She thinks I'm good. Wait a minute. Hey Ken. We're in this together. Okay. Yeah with our fabulous powers and Your ability to know about them We're a team And if we can help get Melinda out of our minds, we should.
No, Hector.
I'm not in your mind I'm hearing your thoughts You can't just turn off your hearing or like like choose what you want to hear or change the volume and Ken I swear to God just because you want to take me out to dinner first doesn't make what you want to do to me afterwards Anymore allowed More I just I don't get it, you know, like Hector you suck and you you just got this new walking through stuff power Super walk-through stuff You're a mortal God, I I always thought that God was Whatever There is no God there's there's there's gods there's goddesses I should say something Something smart. No, no, no, no, it's not working. Yeah, I'm not drunk yet either Maybe if I drink some household chemicals I'll get powers Melinda's looking nice Looking real nice Cannot hold your liquor or dangerous household chemicals too much bleach We're not enough alcohol officially does not numb my power. It just makes me angrier at your dumb thoughts Yeah, it's not doing anything for me either I'm trying like this entire bottle by myself. I should be at least completely passed out by now you Should try meditation. I use it all the time to tune out my annoying co-workers I should feed Magnus to snakes and have bite me become snakes boy the magnetic thing Okay, that yes that thing let's do it I'll think about my mantra right and you read my mind and my mantra is like a nonsense phrase That you use and you repeat it and it guides you into the deeper Parts of yourself I can fall into a vat or something.
Where are they some fans?
Yeah, no, let's do this. Yeah, here we go I Can hear them all that sounds way worse than what it was before So many people they all need our help you guys say It's too much responsibility It's just too much. It's too much responsibility even for a god god It's my healing power.
I can't drink alcohol faster than it I Can never get drunk again.
I Have with me quantum astronomer Luke Lexley who was apparently witnessed something very strange following the recent eclipse Luke Can you tell us what you saw? Thank you Beth. There was a flash of light then a man making fire from nothing Sounds crazy Okay, it seems like we've lost him but strange lights have been reported throughout the city One even near my fiancee's work and he's not answering my text, which is weird. What who are you?
This is gonna rule and No, I got oh, I need this thing to help with your brain thing This will make her happy It works nice I can't believe it No, yeah, thank you. It's really nice Oh Next time on anti heroes, of course I eventually learned how to control whose thoughts I heard and when it's a superpower that makes sense makes things way less complicated for sure and A small comment be one CEO BG two will pass by tonight coming closer to earth than the moon's orbit Okay team gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money? They don't have if you phrase it differently than that. Then yes, if you want to smoke go behind the electro nuclear plant next door I feel like if I'm nice they walk all over me, you know, yeah Yeah All right assholes. Listen up We just got superpowers me too for sure |
SaturdayNightLive | straight_male_friend_snl | Cheers. Like most gay men, I have a lot of straight female friends, and I love my girlies. but they can be a lot, both financially. Wait, Carson, you're coming to Tulum, right? you know it, sis. and emotionally. Tulum is where Dylan and I were supposed to go before we broke up. I'm so sorry, babe. as much as these girls mean to me, sometimes I need a break. And that's when I discovered Straight Male Friend.
What's up? Yo, watch me headshot this bitch. Oh! to the Dome! Amazing.
Straight Male Friend is a low-effort, low-stakes relationship that requires no emotional commitment, no financial investment. And other than the occasional video game-related outburst, ah, man, this game's stupid. no drama.
Yo, you want to go get wings? If I didn't check in with my gal pals every day or two, it would turn into a whole thing. That's never an issue with Straight Male Friend. hang out within as little or as much as you want. it won't affect the friendship at all. Watch this. Hey, I might be moving to Europe for seven years. Go. see me when you're back.
Straight male friend is easy. and even if he's having a rough time emotionally, he'll never bring me into it. You ok? you seem a little upset. Man, my dad died last week. but it's all right, you know? you try these wings? Yeah. yeah. straight male friend isn't perfect and may ask blunt questions about your sex life. So like, do gay guys like when a guy has a big one? or is it kind of like a bad thing? Depends on the guy. but he's only asking because he's honestly curious. there's something sweet about that. does straight male friend provide the same deep, rewarding relationship I have with my girls? No. does straight male friend know my last name?
No. that's kind of the beauty of it. But if you aren't missing a little drama, just say this.
I bet I'm faster than you. dog. bro, for real? You think you're faster than me? I will go outside on the street and dust your ass right now. Let's go. come on, come on.
So if you're a gay man who needs a break, come discover the casual, low-effort friendship gay women have known about for years. Straight male friend. yo, sorry about being a pussy about my dad dying earlier, man. that won't happen again. Straight Male friend. available everywhere, except therapy. Yeah. |
dropout | Make_Some_Noise_Season_2_Trailer | Talking about Legos makes you unapproachable! Say, sucker, succulent scissor! Chumps and lumps, who's gonna take the dumps? Cincinnati, Ohio is rampant with wolf attacks! Mama likes pudding, she could put it away!
Pip pip pip pip pip! What?! fuck! Bam, papa! Ahhhhh!
Dear residents of the Fontana, Oh, it works.
I don't know, I'm gonna get... That was a work of art. Girl, you know it's nippy. It's so nippy. Oh, God, my face hurts. I made that up.
Go!
Ahh, ah, ah, ahh, ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
One nail! One nail in the...
Oh! Two, two kids in a trench coat. Oh my God.
On a date. I liked your audio message. Thank you, what part made you say ya to a date?
The one that you said I hate Legos and love strip clubs? What about me? I loved when you said, pet peeve, too many taxes. Ahh! We'll want to do more of these. This is fun. Don't tease me, Wang. |
TheOnion | Tracy_Gill_Recommends_New_Tracy_Gill_Biography | Right now it's time to talk to Gary Cahill, a noted author and historian who's put together a fascinating 400-page biography. The book is entitled Over the Flames and Eagle Sword, The Tracy Gill Story.
Mr. Cahill, welcome to Today Now. Thank you, Tracy. Thanks so much for joining us.
Obviously a lot of people out there know a lot about me already, but you say in the forward there are still some stones left unturned. The Tracy Gill people know from Today Now, well, she's friendly, attractive, good-natured, but you know what they don't know about her? The obstacles that you needed to overcome, the challenges that you faced. Well, I must have been fascinating to research. It was interesting to find out that you actually had very few friends. Interesting.
Nor did you excel in your schoolwork. I would have thought I would have been an exemplary student.
Oh, yes. No, I was surprised, too. Well, one thing I loved in this book was how much you delved into my psyche. It turns out I may have a lot of psychological problems. Oh, I think that's without question. I mean, I think that's what leads you to your absolute relentless drive for power and money and fame. Now, do you think that had anything to do with my parents' divorce? I think I read that in my book that you wrote about me. Well, I think so. I think that if we could trace it back, it would probably be something deep within your early childhood that left you the cold, emotionless shell of a person you are today. Truly a new way to look at me. Thank you.
How long did you spend researching the book, Mr. Cahill? Two years. I interviewed over 200 of your friends, relatives, coworkers.
I read some pretty wild tales. Reports of me throwing coffee on my makeup artist or breaking into rages as soon as we go to commercial. Is that really true? Well, as the book says, those are unverified accounts.
I see here you also spent a week living with me in my house. Literally in my house?
Well, I felt I needed it for the book, you know, to see you in your most unguarded environment. That's a surprising level of intimacy. I'm sure I don't reveal that side of myself to just anyone. Well, the result of all your hard work is the most comprehensive book on me to date. Over the Flames and Eagle Sword, such a poetic way to look at the life of a dazzling public figure.
Thanks so much for joining us, Mr. Cahill. Gary Cahill, everyone. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_206_Hanabeth_Luke_Independent_Candidate_for_Page | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome back to Decode, the Batutah Advocates new political podcast series that we've put together in the lead up to the federal election, 2022 federal election that is.
At this current moment, it hasn't been called yet, but I think it'll be happening in the next 24 hours. So by the time this is published, most likely it has been, or it might not have been. Who knows, maybe the governor general needs to pull out a machine gun and point it at all of our leaders and make them line up and announce this thing because it's getting a bit ridiculous. What's the last date it can be? The last date it can be was the 21st of May.
So that's the day after Scott Morrison's birthday too. So he'll be wishing for a birthday treat of the political kind.
Now, throughout this podcast, we've aimed to, Decode is the word, a lot of the jargon and a lot of the waffle that we get out of politics. There's a lot of words that get thrown around that the average punter doesn't understand and they're not meant to understand because they keep us in the dark. Throughout this podcast, we've hit some sitting MPs, even some ministers with some tough questions and we've gone right across the spectrum. We've gone left to right, to up to down.
And we've actually, funnily enough, interviewed quite a few independent candidates this time around. We interviewed David Pocock, the independent Senate candidate for the ACT and of course Allegra Spender, the independent candidate for Wentworth. Today we're doing that again. We've got an independent candidate in a different variety.
I guess both Pocock and Allegra represent more metropolitan areas, but today's independent, Hannah Beth Luke, is a rural independent regional. I'm not sure what the electorate of Page goes by. Is it regional or rural?
Bit of both, I'd say. Bit of both.
Well, thank you for joining us today, Hannah Beth Luke. Thanks for having me on today.
Your electorate has been in the news quite a lot of late. The floods in Lismore and everything that's kind of happened in the North of New South Wales, I mean, basically for the last five years, there's been a lot of eyes. You've had some disasters and you've had some atrocities.
You know, you've had Byron Bays and a lot of rebrand for the Northern Rivers region. I know you actually don't have Byron in your electorate, but you do have a lot of towns in the surrounds. Yeah, you've got the new Byron of Yamba and I suppose you've got the new Alstonville of Eluca. Yeah, you've got a lot of different people. And then of course, you've got the beef capital in Page. Now this is an electorate you're trying to win over. How do you reconcile all of these wild and different people and different opinions and different spectrums and different industries? Well, you know, I mean, you mentioned Byron. I went to school in Byron, the Byron Shire and escaped down to Evans Head in the Woodburn area about, well, nearly 10 years ago.
And look, I've lived in this region for all my adult life. And I think I have a really good understanding of what makes many of the different people in the region tick. Like I might be a university lecturer now, but you know, I've been a young kid in social housing. I know what that's like. I understand what it's like to struggle to get ends meeting. And I know what it's like to work in the region and to struggle to pay rent, find out rental.
And I'm in the emergency services. So is my husband. And as a mother, I understand the school system.
And so many of the major challenges that the region faces, which is really right now we're in a housing catastrophe. It was a crisis turned into a disaster. We've got a catastrophe. Many of my close friends and colleagues and students are locked up in that. And it's such a critical time for our region. It's such a challenging time. We've been going through this for a number of years now, but I'm very passionate about supporting our communities and the many different parts of our communities from called Yamba, the new Byron Bay.
I don't know how happy they are about that. They wouldn't be happy.
I think there are a lot of Yamba locals where, you know, I think you're probably one of the only people in the area who can call yourself an authentic, true Byron local before it was destroyed by the assorted yuppies of Melbourne and Sydney. I think there would be a lot of people in Yamba now who are sweating on the fact that maybe one day they will be pushed, you know, a bit further down the river, so down to McLean where, you know, at least they'll be closer to their local high school. Yeah, well, that's it.
But look, it's a really beautiful region and a part of my electoral, call it the campaign, we've got the Teal and Rust Tour. You know, the colours of my campaign is teal. We've got these beautiful sparkling oceans and these red soils from our farmlands.
And unfortunately they're, you know, out in the sea looking pretty mixed up at the moment. But the point of this tour is to go down to the coast, speak to the fishermen and the surfers and find out what's important to them down on the coast.
But also the work that I do, and I've been doing for 11 years now, is with farmers across Australia and across this region. I'm extremely passionate about our rural industries, farming cooperatives, fishing cooperatives. And I think that's something that is just so critical to the future of regions like ours. To have those regional industries well supported. And I think people are realising, and I'm actually having a lot of people coming up to me from these primary industries saying, look, we always thought the Nats were behind us, but we're actually really having our doubts now. And we will support you as an independent because we understand that those guys are making decisions in the cities and based on the influence of, I'm sorry to say it, coal and gas.
And independent, I don't have those ties. I don't have that weight of a political party pulling me down. I can step up and speak for the region. And that's for the primary industries, that's for affordable housing. It's for integrity in politics, because none of that matters if we don't have honest politics. Well, as we've seen in the recent flood disaster in your area, the incumbent representative down there, Kevin Hogan, he's essentially been left to hang out, to drive by his own party. I mean, like they haven't really come down here with any real tangible support for your community. Is this race kind of becoming now more of about personalities as opposed to parties in the electorate of Page? I don't think it does come down to personality. I'm not here to pick on Kevin Hogan.
He's a nice enough guy. I think it's absolutely about the party. I've had meeting with him in the past when I was doing coal seam gas research. And, you know, he seemed like a very reasonable person and someone who is wanting to step up for the community at that time.
But unfortunately, voting over the last eight years demonstrates that when you're a part of the major parties, whether it's LNP or Labor, he votes with the party and he doesn't cross the floor. And that's important for people of the region to know. You think it's just a shame. He's not free to vote independently. And that's something that I can do. And I think that's a really important message for our voters.
That's an interesting predicament he finds himself in because the whole concept of the coalition is the broad church, the big tent, where you can cross the floor. Of late, we've only really seen them crossing the floor over conspiracies and vaccine mandates and that kind of stuff within. Actually, there are a couple there, a couple of the moderate liberals would cross the floor for the Religious Bills Act.
And that's actually, feels like pre-election behavior. Really, you've got to start actually being a standout in your local community leading into an election. There is the question though, and not to be petty, but the prime minister would say to someone like, say of someone like you, someone like Allegra Spender or Zoe Daniel, they would say, well, how independent are they? Because there's obviously some sort of framework. You're all working underneath or above. I'm not sure how it works, but there is some sort of campaign that links you all together. While you are independent and you're not with major parties, do you answer to higher powers? I don't know whether they'd want to be called higher or lower powers, but look, it's the community. That's what probably worries Scott Morrison and others. We don't have that and maybe it's hard to understand, but we answer to the community and we're inspired by people like Kathy McGowan and now Helen Haynes and Dolly Stegall who stepped in those footprints.
It's about this community-driven politics. It's not about being funded by a big business, and we're not. It's about answering to the community and that whole Indi approach, so this whole voices movement that's jumped up across Australia. Apparently, there's nearly 40 groups now because we're not just trying to say, look, I want to be a politician. It's about saying, I want to change politics itself. That means bringing the community with you, and when I want to make policy, I need to know what the community wants me to do on different things.
The reason I stood up was because Barnaby Joyce said that committing to carbon emissions was going to hurt farmers too much. I got really cranky about that because I know that the most important thing to farmers is to pass on a healthy farm to their kids. I know this because I spend my whole life working with farmers, and I know that they're also on the front line of these disasters. They're not representing the rural people in the way that they are claiming to, and as an independent, you can.
It looks like to go back a step. The reason I ran was that the moment I decided to run as a candidate, it is my responsibility to find out everything that's important, or the main things that people want me to stand up and fight for in Canberra, and that is affordable housing in our area. It is number one. It's also a really important thing to people is that we have a locally run disaster response force, something that's separate to the ADF and is ready to respond when our communities are facing floods, fires, or other emergencies. That's the kind of things that my community's wanting, and it's the kind of thing that is currently, it's failing us as it stands at the moment, despite best efforts of some of our amazing emergency services. When we're facing climate disruption is what's here now. We need to be prepared as much as we can and assume, plan for the worst and hope for the best. I want to get into the housing catastrophe in a second, but what you're pitching for disaster relief and recovery and emergency services, you mentioned that you and your husband are both in emergency services in some capacity. Where would that put you in your local region?
That put me on the middle of a very large lake that used to be Woodburn. So I'm a marine rescue, but a couple of my crew went out and we started pulling people off roofs, picking up people from Woodburn, where the whole houses were under water, and we were just out there doing what we are trained to do, rescuing people from flooded homes, off roofs, and picking up the elderly and vulnerable people and making sure that people are safe. It was absolutely terrible and heartbreaking time to see our communities underwater. My husband is in the fire and rescue, so he was there for a lot of the cleanup. And so we were working, because he's a teacher at the school as well and doing night shifts in what became an evacuation center in Evans River School, we were working 24 hours a day between us and managing kids.
It was just a very challenging time, but also it wasn't just us, the whole community just stepped up. And I think that's what is so important about what's just happened up here. Everyone is traumatized, don't get me wrong, and to have the flood come back through again, just re-traumatize people, and I've got serious concern. Mental health is a big issue right now, but also we've demonstrated we can come together. We can work things out as a community and the community can achieve an enormous amount through from chaos into coordinated efforts pretty quickly. So what I'm really passionate about bringing into reality for our communities is this locally run disaster response force. It's separate to the ADF and it's there to rapidly respond when our communities are facing floods, fires, and other types of emergency. One thing I think is really important, because of what we've learned from these floods and the fires behind them, is that the community response is critical and it's because people in the community are there on the ground.
Well, they know who's missing, they know what's going on, they know what street goes where, and yeah. Exactly, they know how the water's gonna flow. And I think that's really, really important how the direction often the fire's gonna travel as well. That's landholders, that's people living in the towns and regions, and people living in places like Evans Head that will become an evacuation center because they rarely flood.
So just taking all of those things into account. So that will require training up local people to be more ready and have more skills to make sure that, I mean, we're sort of just getting people a little bit more attuned to going a little bit slower when you're rescuing people and you're going past other boats and just a couple of little things. Yeah, on the tinnies. Carrying some elderly people and everyone's zooming past and they're like, it's all right everyone, just hang on. It's small things like that, but also trying to getting people with the right equipment and PPE, life jackets, and just thinking a little bit more along those lines. So a little bit of training there.
But look, I think people are generally very smart and most people are doing the right thing, but more training is good because it makes it more automatic when you need to be out there and taking action. The other thing that would support this is real resourcing of staff. What happens with our emergency services is that they are predominantly volunteer-based. And I'm a volunteer, so is my husband. Many people love to volunteer and I don't want to take that away from them. But if there are more people who were paid and there can be a career in the emergency services beyond what we have now, I think you would find a lot more young people attracted to these different organisations at the moment. It seems to be the predominantly older folks or retirees who've got the time. And my husband and I, we squeeze it in because we're passionate about community, but we have to take it in turns to go to training on a Tuesday night. And someone else is going to look after the kids. And look, I'm not saying we would choose that as a career, but people would. And it would be an industry that people would be proud to be a part of and they would be more ready when the next fire, drought, or fire winds come through.
Now, I just want to touch on the issue of housing affordability. I mean, it is very difficult for anyone to buy a home anywhere in this country now, but especially the rate that we've seen the prices increase in the Northern Rivers area. How do you solve a really complex issue like housing affordability in an area that's so desirable? I mean, who gets to choose who gets to live in social housing there, for example? So I've heard local members say it's a complex issue and it is, but right now we have an opportunity to really reassess the way that we do housing. We've lost tens of thousands of homes that are unlivable right now in our region.
And what I've also been calling for is a reconstruction commission to talk about exactly what you're raising there. How do we do this properly? How can we bring the right people around the table, which includes developers, architects, farmers, scientists, and the community to say, what's the best way forward? So I've been speaking about this for months with people before the floods came through. And there are great, great ideas out there. And part of these are basic things like in London, when you build any development, half of them need to be affordable housing, but we don't put them in a place separate to everyone else. They're a part, say one in three houses is an affordable or social house. So it becomes a part of the region everyone's in together. So I think those kinds of ideas are important. In Lismore, I know the community's already come together at least once, like 150 people came around and said, well, how do we want this to look? And there's some really big questions coming up. Should we be rezoning? Should we be doing land swaps? And those are the questions that we should at least be putting on the table and having a really good discussion about right now, because I've got so many friends that are just not knowing what to do.
The flood waters were swept through their house two times in the last five weeks, and they started to rebuild. They came up with some plans to re-site their house and then they realised it wasn't high enough.
Then there's rumours going around that some areas are gonna be condemned. There's a bit of a void of information and people tend to cling on to other information at that point. So it might not all be true. Either way, there's a hysteria surrounding housing right now. There really is. And what concerns me is when we have the local member say this is the end of the discussion, I think this is the time that we should be having these discussions with the right people around the table. And that is what was done in Darwin after Cyclone Tracy, the Reconstruction Commission was responsible for having this oversight. There's billions of dollars apparently being thrown at our region right now, but it's just being done in a piecemeal way. We need to see some coordination and people need some certainty for the future. And that means asking those difficult questions right now, because people are wanting to know what to do right now and where to put their efforts. It's actually really sad.
I know far too many people that haven't been able to access the funds that have been broadcast. And at the moment, if you're a business or a farmer, they'll give you 15 grand, but above that, you've got to put up the receipts. So you've got to have the remainder of that money, $60,000 ready to spend. Well, it's not just my mate that's been flooded.
It's his dad and his uncle. The whole family's been absolutely trashed by this.
So what we need is real support, coordination, and not aid by media release. That takes us to the next topic we kind of want to talk about with you, which is this idea of integrity in politics, which I know you're running on. What is the feeling up there?
Like you would have in your electorate a better gauge on middle Australia than many of our political class, our cabinet members would in their electorates. I know life is very different on a hill in Cronulla to what's happening in the bottom of the WOC right now in Lismore, you know what I mean? There's some economic diversity, at least, in your electorate is what I'm trying to say. It's not a blue ribbon electorate. No, we're one of the poorest in the country. We're the eighth poorest electorate in Australia.
We've got a couple of pockets where people are doing better, but half the people in Page are on less than $500 a week. And to put that into perspective, a family home in Casino, one hour away from the coast, is $350 a week. So do the math. People are really on the bare bones there.
People are wanting to see things get better, and they've been getting worse under the current government. They've been going backwards, and people just want a fair future. They want to know that they can get a house for themselves, for their kids, and that their kids can have access to a fair education.
That's been going backwards, and what I'm finding, people are coming up to me that I've never met before, in places I've never been before, and saying, you're a Hanaban. I'm really impressed with what you stand for. I've been voting, my family's been voting National Country Party for generations, and this election, I'm voting for you, because I'm just finding that they're not acting in the best interests of our electorate, or my family, anymore. And that's what's happening to me almost every day. And there's a real shift.
People have lost faith, and at the end of the day, your average family, your average person, doesn't think too much of politics. They just want to vote someone in so they can do all the work. They can go to Canberra, vote on their behalf, and act on the things that matter to them, and they can trust them. And that's what's so important. That's why trust is so important in politics. People want to elect someone that they can trust to go to Canberra and fight for them. They don't have to think about it. Well, the government has been kind of working on this scare campaign where they're saying, a vote for a teal independent is a vote for the Labour Party, it's a vote for the Greens.
In your specific case, how will you be directing your preferences? I'm inspired by Cathy McGowan, actually, and as I've said before, and that's to not direct preferences. As an independent, you're responsible to the community. As soon as you say that I'm gonna preference one way or another, then you're not 100% independent there. So I think that's a really important message. The other part of the message that's really important is you have to preference all boxes.
You need your vote to count. Vote, even if it's not for me. Make sure you vote, because that's your golden coin. That's your chance to make a decision about your future and the things that matter, but get involved. Learn who's standing, what they stand for, who they are, and then make your decision. But for goodness sake, vote and make your vote count.
Yeah, and you gotta number all those boxes too. Exactly.
So on the streets, people coming up to you every day telling you what they think, can you see in the average punter, in the Page electorate, that they can see through the Prime Minister's, what you described as aid by media release? Can they see through that? We know that the Liberal Premier of New South Wales has actually had to address it in a press conference in the last few days. So it's not at all a partisan comment to say that there hasn't been the help delivered to your electorate, to the people that you are hoping will vote for you. There hasn't been the aid that was promised delivered. Can they see through that?
Or do you feel like it is the dead cat on the table where everything's up in the air and the people think that they're being looked after? Or is there an actual feeling that they're being left for dead? Because they're poor, no one cares. I've had multiple farmers tell me that they feel absolutely abandoned by the current government. These are multi-generational national voters who said, I feel abandoned.
And you make sure you tweet that later, because I have had enough of this. So on the ground, people are really angry and they are stepping away from the current government and they're wanting something different, but they're looking at the parties, they're actually stepping away from both major parties and there's a real mood for change and it comes from frustration and anger. I just hope, and my intention is to say, look, this anger, this frustration can be turned to hope. We can change things. We can have a better future. We can make sure that our communities have a fair go, but it does start with that golden coin that is your vote and putting it towards independent and not into the major parties. Because I'm here to speak for the community and I'm not going to be throwing billions of dollars into coal and gas. So I think that's a key message here. When you look at leading into an election at this time, people start talking about, particularly the sitting MPs will talk about their stripes and what they've done for the community and the longer they've been in parliament, the less they've got to say.
Can you quickly give us a summary of school in Byron, not born and raised in Byron, you were just educated there and then you basically stayed in the area. Southern Cross University in Lismore?
Is that where we started? Yes, that's right. And can you kind of tell us what you've worked in? You just said to us in the interview before, you've worked with farmers. You've worked in that space. You're in the sciences, I believe.
Yeah, I'm in agricultural sciences. I teach science and regenerative agriculture. I was the founding coordinator of the first regenerative agriculture undergrad degrees in the world. And they were in the fastest growing and some of the most successful agricultural courses in Australia.
That's something I'm very, very proud of. And I've been a part of, as I said, this community for 26 years. I moved here as a teenager. And I've always, always will work and do my best and I will work hard for the things that matter. And I will be there as I was there when the flood came and I will be the first to help people. That is what I do and that is what I'm passionate about. And the work that I've been doing in terms of working with agricultural communities, it's about bringing people's voices to the people making the decisions. That's what I've been working on for the last 11 years at the university. And that's what I will bring to politics.
Now Allegra and Zali, I mean, Allegra hasn't come out, but Zali's come out and said that there's an option of supporting a liberal government, but definitely not a Morrison government. We ended up in a hung parliament. Bob Carter, we never know which way he's gonna go, particularly now after 10 years that he supported the liberals under the hung parliament with Julie Gillard.
Yeah, but he calls himself an agrarian socialist, so.
Bob could go anyway, and Bob's good mates with Albo. And then you kind of look at all these different other seats. Some of these independents get through and I actually don't think this applies to you, but it certainly does apply to Zali and it certainly does apply to Allegra spender. They are from blue ribbon electorates. You're from somewhat of a bellwether electorate. You know, it could go either way.
And in fact, Kevin Hogan has been on the ropes before and he's moved to the cross bench. He actually has done that before after the Turnbull spill.
Anyway, where I'm going with this is people will be voting for Allegra and Zali because they are liberal voters who can't stand the liberal government. They're not labor voters whatsoever.
So they've got to keep that in mind in a hung parliament. In the circumstance of a hung parliament, what are you thinking? And then, you know, you go from being an independent candidate to the most powerful person in Australia. In the space of, I don't know, how long it takes to count the votes, 24 hours, we realize we've got a hung parliament. And then you have Australia at ransom for two weeks. What are you thinking in that very likely scenario?
I'm not here to do deals.
Let's make that crystal clear. I'm here to represent the community on the things that matter to people on the people's page. So that means I will want to be looking after our affordable housing and our regional business and economies, farming, fishing, cooperatives. Those things are absolutely critical. And also I want to be looking towards that fair future for our kids, fair education and access. I will work with the government that is going to bring about those best outcomes for the people of my region. And let's not forget climate action because our environment is our economy. We understand that in the regions more than anyone. Farmers and people of the rivers and fishermen know that more than anyone. So that's where I will be stepping if we need to make that decision and if we have hung parliament, I will be stepping up for those things and those issues that matter to my community.
It is interesting when you talk about the idea of transitioning from certain industries. Fisheries have had to make a lot of changes over the years. Certainly Nimbin all the way to Byron was timberlop country and they've had to change that up a lot. You actually even had Clarence River was home of Australia's asbestos mines once upon a time.
So what are you telling these people? I mean, obviously people in your electorate know that you can change and you have to change. I know cab drivers have learned that all too well over the last five years with the rise of Uber and whatever. What are you telling people whose livelihoods will be directly affected by this positive future you're pushing? I'm not quite sure what you think I'm pushing there.
Net zero 2010.
What I'm absolutely passionate about is regional economies. So my PhD was on looking at the impacts of coal and gas on the social and economic fabric of rural communities. And being an expert in that field, I can say that it didn't have a positive outcome for the regions that I looked at. That's from speaking to hundreds of people and surveying thousands. So what I support is regional economies, the things that make our area special. I had a nice yarn with a local prawn fisherman yesterday, Gary, and he was talking to me about he's a fourth generation prawn fisherman and they've got such a good understanding of the river system and the changes to the river system over time.
They really get this. There is gonna be new industries. Of course there is, but it's about working with the industries we have.
And right now we're throwing, Australia is throwing $22,000 a minute at coal and gas. That's $4 a day per Australian at subsidising those industries. And our primary industries are some of the worst subsidised in the world.
That's where food comes from. That's where our fibre comes from.
So I think we can be doing a lot more to support our primary industries and that's what I'll be fighting for. If we do this in a smart way, we can do this in a way that's gonna look after our industries and the environment because these industries understand that they need to be working with the environment if they're going to be viable into the future. I mean, speaking of regional and strong regional economies, you know with a few policy changes, a few different tweaks in the legislation, you could actually turn Nimbin into one of the most wealthiest towns in rural New South Wales. You just need to change a few laws.
What are your thoughts there about it? It could be the Dubai of New South Wales. Yeah, it could be the San Fran, the Colorado even. Yeah, I mean, the Laneway boys could each have a green Porsche by the end of the year. Yeah, I mean, you probably can't be seen campading at Mardi Gras, can you?
Actually, I'm working with a couple of farmers. I'm doing an event at Ulmara in a couple of weeks time and I've got a hemp farmer coming along and there's a very strong advocates for hemp as a building material. We are at a point where we need to be thinking about the building materials of the future and we need to keep our minds open and thinking outside of the box is a part of that. And there's a potential for a whole range of industries. Maybe we haven't thought of yet, but it's about working with people here, working with people on the ground, having the conversations about industries that may have less of an impact on the environment. I've got a student at Southern Cross who's working on native grains and the potential to bring native Australian grains into a cattle grazing system and also as a fire control method. So thinking outside the box, we've got some fantastic industries, but the leaders in these industries are already often thinking out of the box and doing some really great work, but that doesn't mean that we can't shift and evolve as well.
Yeah. Now we've gotten a pretty good look at your elected just in this conversation today. What I wanna ask is how's the old Woodburn Pie Shop looking?
Oh, don't, I went past yesterday. In fact, I went past this morning again.
It's Woodburn's just, it's trashed. It's really awful. It's breaking my heart.
And same with this more. Look, it's just, yeah, I don't know when you'll be getting your next pies from there, but look, people bounce back and their resilience and their positivity is incredible. I think I might've seen some fridges back in there actually this morning. So maybe it won't be as long as you think. Well, yeah, hopefully it isn't as long as this election campaign's gonna be because it's gonna be a brutal, brutal month and a half for all Australians, particularly for the independent candidates right across Australia, which includes yourself.
Annabeth, Luke, thank you for joining us today. We look forward to seeing more from you. Thank you for your time. Thank you. |
cracked | 6_tv_shows_that_stopped_their_shows_to_sell_you_stuff | Six product placement scenes that ruin TV shows.
I get to spend a little quality time with my new best friend. I'm proud of you, Lois. Living in your own apartment, buying a brand new car. You've really grown up. Oh, let's not get carried away. You know, this is a really nice car.
How's it going, fighters? Pretty good. You, uh, you own a shrimp truck, but you're bringing lunch to work. Okay, so you're eating these to lose weight.
Is that right? They worked for Jared, and that boy was large. Check this one.
Sweet onion chicken teriyaki with jalapenos and banana peppers. Now, you put that with this. Turkey BLT, bam!
How many of these did you order? Five.
Not sure what's nice of Devin to let us borrow his new Sienna. I mean, it is the perfect tail vehicle. Think about it. Dual screens, Bluetooth, 10-speaker sound system. Did I mention the automatic doors? It's like I'm using the force.
Do you like Diet Dr. Pepper, huh? Do I like DDP?
Here we go. There's two things in life that I'm sure of. There's no such thing as too much sun in that Diet Dr. Pepper. It's unbelievably satisfying.
Is somebody filming this? Maybe this'll help. Yeah, baby, the world sucks, but who cares?
See, the thing is, Jane's not impressed with money or power. She likes going to the movies or shopping at Target.
That kind of thing. Low-key stuff. Whoa.
What are all those doing here? And here's a changing station just to make it easier. Hey, everybody.
My name's Gary, and I want to introduce you to the all-new 2013 Ford Fusion. Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion Energy are each powered by a combination of high-voltage electric motor. Excuse me, we're in a Ford Fusion, the best car ever made.
It gets a double the gas mileage of a game. Shut up. It's not even talking about the whole drive, and it's weird.
Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for watching whatever that video was. We hope you enjoyed it. We here at Cracked have been nominated for two Webby Awards, Best Humor Website and Online Video Channel, which you are watching right now. So if you could go to the links in the description and vote for us both times, that would be amazing. We have until April 21st. Do it now. Thank you.
USA! |
TheOnion | Obama_Undertakes_Presidential_Internship | Responding to criticisms that he lacks the experience to lead the nation, Barack Obama announced today that he has begun participating in a presidential internship program. Every Monday and Tuesday from 10 to 6 Obama has been interning with President Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero of Spain, learning first hand about everything that goes into running a country. The more I learn about the world, the more I know about politics. Joining us now from the war for the White House election analysis bunker is Onion News Network reporter Jane Carmichael and senior political analyst Andrew Swanson.
Good to see you both. Good to see you Andrew.
Andrew, as good as this internship might look on Obama's resume, will it really get him a full-time job as the U.S. president? Andrew, honestly Obama's biggest weakness with the voters is that he doesn't have the experience of being a president before.
That's right. But I think when Obama gets the certificate of internship completion, which of course will be signed by the Spanish president on his last day, he will definitely be much more prepared to lead the United States. Well it sounds like a great use of Obama's time. Absolutely. Let's get in here with your perspective. Thanks. Obama started this internship a few weeks ago. What's he been doing? You know, it's really a wonderful program. Unlike many other presidential internships, Andrea, the Spanish government gives their interns a lot of real responsibility. That's right.
So he won't just be making coffee, Jane? No, not at all.
In fact, on Obama's first day, he negotiated a trade pact with Portugal. Did he really? He did, and then after lunch, he authorized a covert military action against a suspected terrorist cell in Barcelona.
That's impressive. It sounds like he's learning a lot. It is. You know, and I'm sure he's growing as a person as well.
Obama has also gotten the Spanish minister of agriculture to write him a letter of recommendation. We have a copy of it right here. That's right, which is crucial, since of course, voters usually look at a letter of recommendation more than anything else on a candidate's actual resume. You know, they do, and he may be able to list all the Spanish cabinet members as references. We spoke with one member yesterday, and he seemed pleased with the work Obama's been doing.
We've got that footage here. Okay, Jane, let's take a look.
Barack Obama, does he wear glasses? He's the American one?
Yeah, he's doing fine. Well, that's nice.
Jane, in addition to the internship, we have heard that Obama has signed up for a University of Phoenix online course on how to lead a nation. He's not. He was going to, but then in the end, Obama felt his time would be better spent reading some books on the subject. Any chance we're going to see McCain applying for an internship?
No, none at all.
Senator McCain is old, so he's already qualified to be a president.
Of course, we are going to keep watching this story. Jane Carmichael, Andrew Swanson, thanks as always for being with us.
And now the internship hasn't satisfied everyone's concerns. An op-ed piece in Los Angeles Times this morning says Obama will not be ready to lead until he spends six more years in the Senate, is elected president for two terms, and serves as an ambassador for a decade. And on the campaign trail today, McCain calls for a return to an America where you could slap your secretary in the ass without anyone making a big deal out of it. The problem with the voters is that he doesn't have the experience of being a president before.
That's right. But I think when Obama gets the certificate of internship completion, which of course will be signed by the Spanish president on his last day, he will definitely be much more prepared. Not at all. In fact, on Obama's first day, he negotiated a trade pact with Portugal. Did he really? He did, and then after lunch, he authorized a covert military action against a suspected terrorist cell in Barcelona.
That's impressive. It sounds like he's learning a lot. It is. And I'm sure he's growing as a person as well.
Now, Obama has also gotten the Spanish minister of agriculture to write him a letter of recommendation. We have a copy of it right here. Yes. That's right. Which is crucial, since of course voters usually look at a letter of recommendation more than anything else on a candidate's actual resume. You know, they do. And he may be able to list all the Spanish cabinet members as references. We spoke with one member yesterday, and he seemed pleased with the work Obama's been doing. We've got that footage here. Okay, Jane. Let's take a look.
Barack Obama, does he wear glasses? He's the American one?
Yeah. He's doing fine. Well, that's nice.
Jane, in addition to the internship, we have heard that Obama has signed up for a University of Phoenix online course on how to lead a nation. He was going to, but then in the end, Obama felt his time would be better spent reading some books on the subject. Any chance we're going to see McCain applying for an internship?
No, none at all.
Senator McCain is old, so he's already qualified to be a president.
Of course, we are going to keep watching this story. Jane Carmichael, Andrew Swanson, thanks as always for being with us.
Now the internship. You know, it's really a wonderful program. Unlike many other presidential internships, Andrea, the Spanish government gives their interns a lot of real responsibility.
So he won't just be making coffee, Jane? No, not at all.
And on the campaign trail today, McCain calls for a return to an America where you could slap your secretary in the ass without anyone making a big deal out of it. Salona.
That's impressive. It sounds like he's learning a lot. It is. You know, and I'm sure he's growing as a person as well.
Now, Obama has also gotten the Spanish minister of agriculture to write him a letter of recommendation. We have a copy of it right here. Yes, that's right, which is crucial, since of course, voters usually look at a letter of recommendation more than anything else on a candidate's actual resume. They do, and he may be able to list all the Spanish cabinet members as references.
We spoke with one member yesterday, and he seemed pleased with the work Obama's been doing. We've got that footage here. Okay, Jane. Let's take a look. Barack Obama, does he wear glasses? He's the American one? Yeah, he's doing fine. Well, that's nice.
Jane, in addition to the internship, we have heard that Obama has signed up for a University of Phoenix online course on how to lead a nation. He's not. He has signed up for two, but then in the end, Obama felt his time would be better spent reading some books on the subject. Any chance we're going to see McCain applying for an internship?
No, none at all.
Senator McCain is old, so he's already qualified to be a president.
Of course, we are going to keep watching this story. Jane Carmichael, Andrew Swanson, thanks as always for being with us. Thank you, Andrea.
Now, the internship hasn't satisfied everyone's concerns. An op-ed piece in Los Angeles Times this morning says Obama will not be ready to lead until he spends six more years in the Senate, is elected president for two terms, and serves as an ambassador for a decade. And on the campaign trail today, McCain calls for a return to an America where you could slap your secretary in the ass without anyone making a big deal out of it. |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_dungeons_and_dragons_backstory_ever | All right, goblins are cleared out. We're safe to stay here now.
Oh, perfect. Oh shit, Tindrick. What? Oh, oh, damn. Are you gonna be okay? Yeah, should be fully healed in like one night's rest. Yeah, just one, that should do it. Yeah, yeah. So tonight I think we should discuss- My village burned down. Hm? Uh, okay. This is bad, yeah.
Bandits, dragons, bandit dragons. They burned everything. Burned my house, my horse, burned the water, burned all the water.
Uh, all right. So anyway, tonight I wanted to- I'm the rightful heir to the throne. I'm the king. I mean, I should be the king, but I was exiled and I don't want to talk about it.
Guys, can we please focus? I was saying tonight, can we talk about my half demon, half angel ancestry? You know, there's always this internal struggle with me between like the darkness and the light. Anyone notice I never take off my helmet?
That's mysterious, right? Like, I wonder why. Do you wonder why?
So there's this prophecy and I'm a thousand years old. And that's when I invented the gun. I'm the only person in this entire world who has a gun. After my village, I found my mentor's body just- Wait, what was the name of your village? Huh?
Your town, the one that burned down? My town that burned down? Yeah, it's called a burned down, burned tin. Burned town.
So every since I was a child, I've always been given languages that I can't even read. I can't even read.
I'm on the run. My parents died. I never learned how to swing. My grandpa's gay. God gave me this sword right before he died.
Wait, what was that? Who goes there? Wait, wait. It's me, Peebo. Sorry, I was taking a piss. Wait, what are you guys doing?
Oh, we were just organically sharing our backstories. Yeah, do you have one? Oh yeah, okay, let me think. Oh, my parents died. Hey guys, it's Frank. I'm not sure if you noticed, but D&D is one of our favorite things to make sketches about. So please like and subscribe if you're interested for more.
Sorry, I was taking a Peebo. That's what I call my piss. |
dropout | everything_wrong_with_trendy_restaurants | Hello, welcome to Pig and Salt, have you guys been here before? No. It's our first time. Then I have a few things to explain to you.
We do small plate family style tapas here, which means that all of our dishes are just tiny bite sized amounts of food meant to be shared among eight people. So everyone only gets a half bite of food? No, someone will always eat more than they're shared.
Interesting. What are dishes composed of five discrete bites of food, like five scallops and a delicate tower of garnishes for instance? Yes, always five or some other prime number. Even though they're meant to be shared. That's right.
Although some of our dishes are just large bowls of sauce, which as you can imagine are hard to distribute on those tiny share plates, so for those you'll just pass them back and forth, or you can awkwardly sit and watch your partner eat while you wait. Now, how many dishes do you recommend for just the two of us?
Oh, it totally depends how hungry you are. Are you hungry?
Oh, yes. We're at dinner. I see.
Then I'd say five to eighteen dishes. Although this tiny table will only fit three. Sounds like a lot. Oh, actually most of our dishes are quite small.
As you can see, the gnome supper is actually just a dewdrop served on an acorn.
Do you have anything a little hardier? Yes, there is one item on our menu that's fucking enormous, but I won't tell you which one that is. Alright, well, sounds like we have some decisions to make. Well, before you do, I'd love to test your memory by rattling off the specials. We have three specials tonight, but you're not going to be able to tell when I'm finished describing the first one and moving on to the second.
We're serving a bruised squiv covered in kumquat pollen and pataki mushroom broth and ramps and anchovies and halibut and a lemon cream sauce. Those are the first two. And then we also have a build your own dish, which is fun at first. That looks nice.
Can I ask how much that is? You can, but I'm going to think you're a cheapskate if you don't end up ordering it.
Perfect. I think we might need a minute or two before we decide. Great, can we start you off with any drinks while you wait?
Ooh, I'll have one of those. And then google bachua on my phone after you leave so I don't have to admit ignorance. And I will have the carafe of wine that inexplicably cost the same as a full bottle. It's an excellent choice. I'll be right back with those.
Great, thank you. Oh, one last thing. Will you bring out our dishes in a completely random order? Of course. We'll serve four dishes in rapid succession and then salads last. Great, thank you. Looking forward to this.
Ooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to. Turn to page 87. |
cracked | why_the_rebels_don_t_have_their_own_death_star_galactic_war_room | The Galactic Authority has gained control of the entire universe, but for a small uprising, desperate to find a cure for the powerful King of Galaxies, who is in a space coma. Now as our heroes return with vital schematics, the Authority lays siege upon the uprising's secret base.
Lobles. At the poles, fields of it, but... Doom bases, however. The Doom bases aren't complete. We take those factories out that can't finish the weapons, except the factories are shielded. They don't have to be.
We destroy the dam on jail at the River Moon. It's all just a bunch of rivers. These dams power the Doom base factory shields.
Let's get moving, then. Old times. It's just like them. Is... does anybody need these on? Is it okay if I... Clear to launch? Okay. Let's get deliveries ready. The Queen and her squad should be through with the orbiting attack soon.
Officer Binney, do you... could we build our own Doom base? Yes, sir. Of course. What? The Authority keeps blowing up stars with their Doom bases. What if we got one, too? We could blow up some of their Doom base. Whoa. Hey, Chief.
Think you could build a Doom base? I can build anything. Oh, and hey, we still have those stolen plans from a few years ago. Don't need them. He needs a good team, some know-how, and literally tons of iron and other resources. Like, I wouldn't even use a normal measuring system. That's out the window. I'll just say, give me a planet of iron. I'm sorry, sir. It looks like that's a no. Because that's how much iron I'd need to build a planet-sized Doom base. The Authority builds like 10 Doom bases a year. We can't build one.
The Authority does have virtually unlimited resources, as Rebels were kind of donation-based. But we have royalty on our side.
Well, you're not getting anything from me, Space Rats. I'm just the king of galaxies. I know. And my mom is a stupid queen, you dope. I'm not giving up one coin. Nobody's asking you to. I'm just spitballing here.
No bad ideas in a brainstorm. Just trying to see if we could build a Doom base. How do you even start a project like that from scratch? Make a shell, then fill it? Make a core, then build out? Just build it in space.
Out. Out in the Ombre. For everyone to see. For years.
Binnie, order one Doom base, please. Yes, sir. What? Lieutenant, it's a planetoid-sized battle station. We're a small patch of Rebel forces. We can make one, but for a couple of months, everyone here will only be helping us build a Doom base. Our pilots, our medics, everyone will exclusively be Doom-based construction workers. You'll be one. Oh, yeah!
Okay, thank you. I hope you guys will be trouble anymore. We killed all of them dead. I'm out of the whole rebellion. Let me clearly state that we sincerely appreciate what you are doing back at HQ. I know it seems like you're taking no initiative and doing no real work, but I can't stress enough how important it is that you folks at HQ maintain this guy's will by doing nothing of consequence.
You are the real... Woo! Yes! Great shot! You're the real you.
Set level four throughout the base. Cancel the stuff. |
CrackerMilk | the_sexual_guide_to_sex | Oh, g'day there boys. Let me ask you something. Are you sick and tired of not having any luck with the ladies? You're sick and tired of getting rejected. Well, with the sexual guide to sex, you'll be picking up hot chickie babes in no time. Let's go!
Wow, that run was tough. I'm sweaty, and I need a wipe down.
Now that we're here, let's see what happens when you don't know how to use pick up lines. Hi, can I please pick you up? I don't know. What a silly fucking piece of shit. Pick up lines are important because they will you go into the next step. Let's see what happens when he knows how to use pick up lines.
Hey, you're really hot. Do you want to do the sex on me? Hey, what's your number? Because mine is S-E-X. Do you see a lot of leaves around? Because I think you need to blow me. Kiss me on the lips and call me your prince. Yeah. Wow, great job there, pal.
Now let's take the next step up, which is knowing how to bust a move. Let's see what happens when you don't know how to bust a move. Wow, he dances like a dumb bitch. Let's see what happens when you do know how to bust a move.
Wow, that was hot. Almost as hot as this coffee. Of course the final step is floor plate.
You've got to make sure your chickie babe's nice and wet down there so your silly sausage can have some fun. Let's have a look at what happens when you're not wet. Are you wet? Well, rub my tits. That girl's as dry as the salami desert. Let's see what happens when she is wet.
Wowee, superstar. Great job. That girl was as slippery as a snake. Well, if you followed these steps, you should have no problem picking up the girls.
I'm going to go now. Have a good day. |
Wizards_with_Guns | your_friend_who_studied_abroad | Dude, do you see this guy? He's driving on the wrong side of the road. Oh wow, yeah. What a jackass. Wait, is that Michael? No, I thought he's still on his trip to... Oh my god.
What are you wearing? I thought I'd pop across the pond to visit the colonies. What? Mike, what? So this is America? How tamed? You're from Orlando.
Do you call this a biscuit? No, we don't call it a biscuit. We call something very different a biscuit in the commonwealth.
You were there for like a week. He did this the last time he watched two episodes of Doctor Who. Doctor Whom? What?
That's how they pronounce it in Londonium. Londonium? That's what people in London call London town.
Do you call this a sandwich? No. It's not even toasted. There's nearly a bean on it. What is this? An American snack?
They have ice in England. It's frozen water.
Do you eat water? No, we don't. Do you eat water?
This has to be exhausting for you. Bloody brilliant. You Americans chew water like curds and whey. Come on. Is that the bible? We invented that.
Can we watch something else, please? Not a fan of documentaries.
Can you pass me some chips? Yeah, which ones? You call those chips? I didn't... You literally called them chips. They're called crispy whispies, you wanker. What do you call this then?
A sofa. A tofa? You call this a chofa? Oh, a tofa? Oh, I said I'm a tofa.
I'm an American. You're bloody rich. Okay, what do you call it? Choch. Do you mind if I puff on a fuck? You can't smoke in our house. You must be confused. fuck me something completely different in Britainland. I'm not confused. Just don't smoke in here. Don't be such a shit.
Whoa. Oh my god. That is not a British word. I'm sorry. Oh my god.
Mike, are you okay? What happened? Took a bite of your bloody biscuit. That's not- Take me to hospital. All right, Mitch, get your keys. We're taking them to the hospital. No, just hospital! I'm just gonna call 911. No! Hey, Mike! Dude, what the fuck? Call Sherlock Holmes. You ate a remote. Uh, should we just let him die?
Where's his boombox? I still hear his boombox.
You don't know who Bradley Cooper is. Oh, who's that? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Ruined_Surprise_A_Clear_Request_A_Qualified_Expert_More_February_10 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin you've got Clancy Overall, you've got Errol Parker, you've got Wendell Hussey, how are yous? Very well Clancy, how are you? Good mate. When's the All Stars match?
This weekend, Saturday, it'll be four o'clock hour time. Oh actually it'll be three o'clock hour time I believe because New Zealand's ahead of us in time difference, that's about all. But that's where it is, it's over there, Rotorua I believe.
Which is ironic considering how backwards they are in terms of social progress and monetary policy. All they've got is the two hours in time difference, it's the only thing that'll lead us in. A couple of bladders lows obviously but that ends this year.
Well it doesn't matter because All Stars is the match that anyone cares about. Well if it's so fucking good there mate, why are they all here? It's an age old question Errol Parker, Jack Whitten and Latrell Mitchell won't be wrestling each other, they'll be wrestling opposition team mates this time around. It's a redemption story. A week later. I would like to see them have a wrestle afterwards. Yeah, no it should be a good one.
Surely Trell wins that wrestle by the way, with Jack Whitten. I don't know, Jack's got form. Jack Whitten's got form.
It was obviously a big enough wrestle to attract the attention of the ACT police, who as we all know are heavy handed and overzealous, is that how you say it? They are the worst dressed cops in Australia, they have like a high vis baseball cap, there is nothing less cool than a high vis baseball cap. It looks like a triathlon kind of cap that you could wear in the water and then when you get on the bike. But they wouldn't have much to do as an ACT cop. You know what I think? I think they're at the end of their tether because they've just had like a year of these cookers. Oh, coming down and doing protest and stuff. Like these freedom convoys have just been in Canberra for a year. I know but AFP, the federal cops, they don't actually have power in the States. No, but I was thinking like the Canberra cops have got like that AFP jack boot vibes about. They are the AFP, like they've got AFP highway patrolmen, which is again super lame. Well the Canberra government basically is not a government because it's the ACT government pick up your things.
It's glorified council. They shouldn't have any senators because they're just like 100,000 people and they get two senators, which is disgraceful.
It's suitable that the mayor of Canberra or the, what is he, the territorial leader. Chief minister. Chief minister, that's right. He's not even from Canberra, he's from Lismore. Is he? Yeah. Just a public servant who moved down to Canberra for work and now he runs the place.
Just put his fucking nose in the trough like the rest of them. Good on him. All right. I think it's time to poison the trough. Anyway, moving on, Friday arvo vibes. What's in the news today, Wendell?
Well, we're going to start off with what was probably the most notable story of the week and that Chinese spy balloon we heard so much about was revealed that it was actually just an elaborate gender reveal. Yes, Wendell, there was a huge sigh of relief across the US of A this week after that big scary spy balloon turned out to be just a big balloon filled with chalk dust. Many figures within the United States have been calling for the military to shoot down the balloon with Republicans and conservative commentators taking the opportunity to stoke fear about China spying on the United States. And authorities eventually did shoot said balloon down, which caused a wave of joy for one North Carolina couple. They've since come forward and admitted that the balloon was theirs and that it had simply been a case of a gender reveal stunt gone wrong, but they were also over the moon of the news that they'll be having a girl.
Do you know how they shot it down? It is the first confirmed kill for the F-22 Raptor. That's how they shot it down. Was it a confirmed kill? It was not on it, was it? No, no, no. It's an enemy aircraft.
Right. It counts as a body. So that fighter pilot that shot it down is only four more kills away from becoming an ace. So if he shoots down four more, he'll be up there with the Red Baron. Top gun. Oh yeah.
There are some floating around the Caribbean, I believe, that they can go up there. Why are they so obvious? I thought China was better than that. I thought they had invisible drones. Yeah, yeah. They don't, like, they'd fly faster than, I don't know, 10k's an hour.
You know, in America they have one of their best fighter aces of all time was a bloke called Richard Bong. He was a fighter pilot in the Pacific during the Second World War, so there you go. You can be a fighter ace and be called Dick Bong. Dick Bong.
There you go. A little gem for your Friday afternoon. Congratulations to that couple. If you didn't join the dots, they had a girl, so it was pink dust that came out when they hit the balloon. So there's a photo of that on the website that you can go and check out if you want.
We'll move on to a story here in town, and a rental agent is under fire for checking if it's cool if Trady arrives sometime between 7am to 6pm any day next week. The story is, old as time itself, Wendell. Yes, Betuda Ray White's up and coming leasing agent, Jermaine Courser, has had to deal with a difficult situation this week. While he is hoping to be one of the big boys who gets to buy and sell houses like a serious agent and make some serious bank, Jermaine just isn't there yet. It means he has to do some of the more tedious and boring shit like looking after his 100 or so rental properties. Yes, and of course that means dealing with the clingers on of society, who are his tenants.
He spoke to the advocate this week about some of the more painful tenants he's had to deal with, who after making multiple complaints about a broken stove refused to be in the house for the entire working week for a Trady. Someone needs to be there between 6 and 7 Monday to Friday this week, or next week if you want your stove fixed, ok? I'm too busy to get back to you on specific times, so if you want to be able to cook food you know what to do.
Yes. It's the right order there. Disgusting. The right act.
Tenants aren't they? The disgusting people. Yes, and there was a comment on that one, wasn't there Wendell? There was, yes, from Catherine Steele who said, she didn't believe this story, she says as if most real estate agents even bother telling the tenant that they've contacted a trades person, generally some guy on a ute just shows up after the 4th or 5th email. Well, that's what tenants deserve Catherine, so that's the way it is.
But also he's not usually like a specific tradesman either, he's like a handyman. A handyman who is a mate of the agent who's getting a kickback. He's a horror hobby. He was wearing shorts that the elastics fucked in so whenever he bends over you see him. You can see his arsehole. Not quite the arsehole.
Are you sure you know how to rewire a stove you fuckin' old prick? He can never do a first time though, he's always got to come back like second or third time and sort it out.
Anyway, more property news and a story that caused a little bit of a stir, a bloke still living at home is ready to dish out some free financial advice if anybody's listening. That's right, some blimp headed fuck from Bratoota Heights has offered up an easy money saving hack in lieu of Philip Lowe's latest crack at interest rates. Shannon Mallory, a 31 year old physiotherapist, has told anyone that's listening that you can save a lot of money, you can save a truckload of cash even, just by living at home with your parents. Yes, he told friends this week that he can't wrap his head around renting, because why would you choose to do that when you could just live at home with your parents? Shannon told us that it also cuts out things like bills, food and internet. And he also pointed out that his parents love having him home after he spent his university days living in the heart of town, both on college at South Bratoota Polytechnic and in one of the investment properties they bought in the late 90s for 20 grand.
Some very useful advice from the young man there. Sounds like he's had a lovely life. Yeah, well look, he works hard if you ask him, he'll tell you he works hard and he just saves his money. Bootstraps man, bootstraps. He's smart with it. We're going to finish out with some entertainment news this week and a sensational story.
A groom has been kicked off Married at First Sight for admitting he actually respects women. Known for generating scandals that the voiceover guy says are the biggest we've ever seen, Married at First Sight has produced another doozy. A groom has since actually been booted from the show before the first commitments ceremony.
And it's not for a reason you might think. No, he didn't get his cock out on TV. It's not because of cheating or criminal behaviour or abusing producers, but because disgusting revelations emerge that he actually has a basic level of respect for members of the opposite sex. Something which just doesn't fit into the rules of reality shows like MAFs that thrive on having blokes who are quote, more entertaining. He's good on him. He's off, he's gone. Unfortunately he's not in oil painting so he won't get a gig on Love Island or anything like that. No, maybe he could be destined for FM radio, but again, he does have some morals and he does, you know, obviously take a little bit of umbrage in getting paid to spread out dreadful opinions. I think he's a few thousand followers short as well.
So that's just back to being. Do you reckon he'd shit himself on air? That's how you get ratings. King Cold are the ones. Shit himself on air?
Yeah. Anyway, that's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in to the weekly, but two to four. We'll see you next time. Good afternoon. Ciao. |
cracked | how_to_actually_cover_stories_about_antifa_some_news | Hello, I'm a special news person, and here's some special news.
You may have been hearing a lot about an activist group known as ANTIFA. ANTIFA! But who are they? Why are they systematically raising the countryside and burning entire cities to the ground? Are they for fascism or against it? Why not classify ANTIFA as a terrorist group? Very violent group of protesters that call themselves ANTIFA. To answer that last question, we must examine their name. ANTIFA stands for anti-fascist. Anti is a preposition meaning in opposition to. And fascist is a word meaning fascist. Good. But are they really anti-fascist? Or is their name, like in flammable, an oxymoronic word invented by the Illuminati to confuse us into self-immolation?
A recent protest and counter-protest at Berkeley has generated some alarming headlines. A Washington Post article retweeted by President Trump described the situation as Black-clad ANTIFA members attack peaceful right-wing demonstrators in Berkeley. There were other alarming headlines as well. Masked anarchists violently rout right-wing demonstrators in Berkeley, claimed an SF Gate headline. And PBS reported the disturbing news that black-clad anarchists swarm anti-hate rally in California. Now, if you read these headlines, you get the sense that thousands of angry chaos goblins are attacking peaceful anti-hate protesters for no reason.
But that PBS headline is misleading, because ANTIFA wasn't attacking an anti-hate rally. Rather, they were part of the anti-hate rally protesting a right-wing group called Patriot Prayer, and their rally was called No to Marxism in Berkeley. The news stories I mentioned did very little investigation into this group and its motives. They call them peaceful right-wing protesters and go as far as to say that their leaders consistently denounced racism, which sources are telling me is now somehow a very brave thing to do. Fox News and the Mercury News cited Southern Poverty Law Center, an organization that tracks extremism as proof that Patriot Prayer isn't categorized as a hate group.
Cool. Let's take them completely at their word.
No need to actually read the statement that SPLC released about the rally, and oops, too late, I did that. It turns out that SPLC released an article ahead of the Berkeley rally, and the first sentence is, Joey Gibson's Patriot Prayer has trolled the Northwest, with a series of rallies designed to provoke violence and populated with extremists, but he says he's changed his approach. They write that Patriot Prayer organizes with the clear intent of attempting to provoke a violent response from far-left anti-fascists. They also point out that Patriot Prayer often shows up with armor and bats, and often instigates fights, so they're trolls specifically looking to get into fights with Antifa. But at least they're not racists. I mean, Joey Gibson, Patriot Prayer's leader, openly denounced neo-Nazis, except whoops, he's doing a really bad job of it, because white supremacists keep showing up to his rallies. And that's exactly what is drawing Antifa to counter protest. According to the SPLC, white nationalists, skinheads, and other identitarian activists have been involved in all of Gibson's rallies in Portland, though generally without announcing their presence. Interesting that Fox and the other news sources we quoted didn't mention this. Also, they didn't mention that one of these neo-Nazis at Gibson's rallies later attempted to attack a Muslim woman and her friend while shouting racial slurs, and ended up killing the two men who came to the women's defense. You might say, well, it's not fair to judge an entire far-right group whose troll of a leader publicly said he disavows neo-Nazis just because a few of them are neo-Nazis, and one of them committed a hate crime. But the media is all about judging the entirety of Antifa over the actions of a few, and doesn't hesitate to present Patriot Prayer as a completely peaceful non-racist group. Also, Gibson himself claimed that discriminating against Muslims isn't bigotry, but, you know, he disavowed racism. So I'm not saying Antifa didn't know wrong during the Berkeley rally, or that it's good that they're allowing alt-right trolls to bait them into fights.
These fights are used to create a false narrative of fringe lefties committing violence, and this false narrative is a historical tool used by fascists. And our media is falling for it like Elmer Fudd in Wabbit Hell. Using violence, even to counteract violent fascist ideologies, gets into very tricky territory.
At what point is it necessary? Is it effective? Does it actually make things better? And if it's not in self-defense, what does it accomplish?
In fact, take a look at this clip from the rally. A far-right protester runs up to a group of Antifa, and Antifa rushes over to knock him down with their shields. The Trump supporter is clearly trying to instigate violent confrontation. But why is he bringing pepper spray to a shield fight? Probably, because he thinks that once the crowd of angry protesters descend upon him, he'll look like a peaceful, hapless victim. And judging by the way the media interpreted the rally, he was right. And sure, he instigated the altercation, but Antifa gave a disproportionate response, one that isn't justifiable as self-defense. But even if these protesters felt like the pepper sprayer deserved it, they're still giving him the martyrdom and victimhood he was trolling for in the first place. This is a common tactic of the far-right and of hate groups. That fun video of a crying Nazi is actually sinister when you think about the intentions.
Everybody in their mother wants to f***ing ruin my life, okay? And if I wanted violence, it's not a difficult thing for a guy like me to find, okay?
That dude's not crying. Here's him before the rally.
I'm carrying a pistol. I go to the gym all the time. I'm trying to make myself more capable of violence.
The amount of restraint that our people showed out there, I think was astounding. And whatever you think of my opinions, that's gonna be something that puts you in danger. I think that a lot more people are gonna die before we're done here, frankly. We're not non-violent. We'll f***ing kill these people if we have to.
And now let's see the tears. Um, so, yeah, there we go. Literally none? Cool.
Neo-Nazis, like Nazis, want to appear like victims. Not only to help recruit their base, but to appeal to the media. They're just rebranding themselves for their mainstream. These aren't your grandmother's Nazis, but they're still Nazis. So even though Antifa can be criticized for some of their methods, the media still has a responsibility to portray the events in an accurate and objective manner.
Remember the news stories we just discussed? Probably. It was very, very recently.
With headlines like, Black-clad Antifa members attack peaceful right-wing demonstrators in Berkeley, and masked anarchists violently rout right-wing demonstrators in Berkeley. Now, compare those to the more restrained headlines that preceded the white supremacist rallies in Charlottesville, such as, One Dead, 34 Injured in Clashes at Virginia, or One Dead as Carr Strikes Crowds Amid Protests of White Nationalists Gathering in Charlottesville. These headlines are ambiguous about where the violence is coming from. In fact, they don't even specify who was killed and by whom. It's hand-waved as a clash. But it wasn't a clash that killed Heather Heyer, a young leftist woman who died while protesting the white supremacist rally. It was a car driven by a white supremacist who intentionally drove into the crowd of protesters. And Deandre Harris didn't get injured amid protests.
He was beaten up by white supremacists. Imagine if these stories were written in the style of the post-Berkeley news stories. They'd read something like, White nationalists storm peaceful left-wing protests killing one, or hat and polo-clad neo-Nazis violently attack minorities. It's important to note this lopsidedness in reporting, where Antifa are explicitly labeled in blame for violence, whereas white supremacists are labeled as victims. This helps contribute to the All Sides narrative. Recently, there was a Washington Post op-ed called, Yes, Antifa is the Moral Equivalent of Neo-Nazis. The author echoed the same lazy reporting that claimed Antifa attacked peace-loving right-wing protesters and equates violence to totalitarianism.
Now, just as we examine the word Antifa to arrive at anti-fascists, let's examine fascism and totalitarianism, which are specific political ideologies. Now, fascism is an authoritarian, nationalistic government that uses undemocratic force to suppress opposition and control wealth. Totalitarianism describes a government in which there are no balances to power that can have absolute control over all aspects of life. Simply being violent, even though it's valid to argue that it's morally wrong and unproductive, is not the same as being totalitarian. Drinking 7-4 locos and trying to start a fight with a mailbox, while violent and mean to mailboxes, isn't totalitarianism. Violent protests aren't fascism, and you can make coherent arguments against violence at protests without forgetting what words mean.
Journalists, your name has journal in it, a thing you put a bunch of words in. So maybe you should be more particular about how you use words, rather than making up things that sound sort of right. If it feels like the media is devoting as much time criticizing Antifa as they are actual fascists, it's because that's, um... that's how it is. Fairness and accuracy in reporting, or FAIR, hey!
Did a review of op-eds and editorials in the wake of Charlottesville comparing the frequency of criticism of Antifa versus actual fascism. They found 27 opinion pieces denouncing neo-Nazis and white nationalists, and 28 pieces that denounced Antifa. It's as if for every 27 articles about how harmful cancer is, the media felt they had to devote 28 to explain how some people who are fighting cancer are actually ass-holes. Now, this isn't isolated to news about the Charlottesville protest. Recently, there was another protest in Portland, which the Washington Post described as, Antifa far-right protesters clash again in Portland, disrupting peaceful rallies. First of all, there's that word clash again. And second of all, this peaceful rally was another Joey Gibson affair, who we've established is a violence troll who can't stop attracting white supremacists like their cat hair. Also, these reports make it sound like Antifa and neo-Nazis were roughhousing with each other, like the Jets and the Sharks, except the Jets believed in ethnic cleansing instead of... being a jet all the way. The story describes how Antifa attacked police officers by throwing bottles and rocks.
Well, that's not good. It's actually bad.
And it's a great way to undermine your own protest. Nine people were arrested and charged with interfering with police officers and disorderly conduct. So justice served and we can all pack it in and nope. Very deeper in the article is this little nugget.
A man drove a car into a group of protesters. Luckily, nobody was injured, but it was a close call. People had to jump out of the way as the car accelerated in reverse to target protesters. The article didn't specify whether the man was alt-right and the only clue we have is that his car was festooned with Confederate flags.
So I guess that mystery will never be solved. This has been our new segment, Foreverly Unsolved Mysterious Doings.
Well, at least the guy who attempted to murder protesters was arrested like the Antifa people who threw bottles. Wait, what's that, he wasn't? Well, okay, apparently he wasn't arrested. He was detained and then released because purposefully putting your car into reverse to try and mow down protesters is one of those slap on the wrist kinds of things.
Yay. And since this was a kind of downer story, here's a bit of fun. After the wannabe terrorist driver was arrested, a group of chuckle nuts called the Proud Boys made an appearance. Now, the Proud Boys describe themselves as a pro-Western fraternal organization, AKA diet Nazi, though I prefer Pepsi. Join the conversation.
The Proud Boys, apparently cranky, that their friend got detained, drove around and blasted pepper spray at protesters from their car. Police stopped them without detaining them because boy Nazis will be boy Nazis. After they were allowed to go, they crashed into a police car.
Do we have a clip? Ah, dang. Do we have an audio clip? That's exactly how it sounded, splendid.
Anyways, this story would be even more fun if it wasn't about casual acceptance of low-carb neo-Nazis by police. So let's talk about something cuter. Horses. Well, horseshoe theory, at least, which admittedly is less cute, but will keep rolling footage of horses being cute and dumb.
Ah, horseshoe theory is the idea that radicals on both sides of the spectrum are the same. Thus, neo-Nazis are somehow the same as the counter-protesters in Antifa who oppose them.
This isn't new. This blame on both sides. Now, further back. My dearest Martha, the battle rages on and that is no good for me. Weirdly relevant, but too far.
I'll just, okay.
So during the Civil Rights era, politicians equated civil rights activists with the KKK. Dwight D. Eisenhower himself criticized what he called extremists on both sides. If that sounds uncomfortably familiar, we may wanna rethink this idea that Donald Trump's awful rhetoric is unprecedented. There was even a headline during the 1950s that said integration extremists on both sides are urged by school head to keep quiet. Remember that old saying about how we definitely shouldn't learn from history so we can keep repeating it because reruns are fun?
Recently, the FBI and Department of Homeland Security assessed and labeled Antifa activities as domestic terrorism. Surely there's no historical president of the FBI targeting protest movements.
Wait, what's that? There totally is, oh boy.
Well, apparently the FBI sent Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. a letter urging him to kill himself.
So, remembering this is important, especially now that anti-protester legislation is on the rise. That's right, there are 30 new anti-protest bills that were proposed and six legislatures have approved harsher penalties and fines for protestors. Gasp, our free speech is being suppressed? I'm sure there will be a bunch of far-right think pieces outraged over this.
What, there aren't? Cool. Yeah, I know, have you seen this show? Jeez.
Anyways, Oklahoma just increased sentencing for trespassing, which could now result in six months in jail, as well as property damage as a result of protesting, which could be met with 10 years in jail, which is too long in jail for a person breaking a thing. Some measures are specific, like upgrading the charge against those who blocked the interstate from gross misdemeanor to a felony, but some are more vague, like anti-loitering bills that give police more freedom in determining whether protests can be classified as unlawful loitering. And maybe we shouldn't be giving too much unchecked power to police, because while some, I assume, are good people, a lot of others are like that cop who tried to illegally collect blood from a patient and detain the nurse who tried to stop his weird cop vampire routine. If you think this kind of legislation won't be used by already great judges of the law to clamp down on protestors, it already has. 212 protestors were arrested after anti-Trump inauguration demonstrations, some of whom now face up to 80 years in prison. Even if these people were all guilty of thing damage, this seems excessive, but even their guilt isn't clear. The Office of Police Complaints is reviewing the conduct of the police department during the protests. Lawyers have launched a class action lawsuit that claims police made false arrests and used excessive force. Even journalists were arrested, one of whom is Aaron Cantu, a writer for the Santa Fe Reporter, whose charges don't even include property damage, but merely being present while damage occurred. He faces a possible 75 year sentence. Now look, property destruction is bad and sometimes looks extremely dumb. And getting into a fight with police isn't good, but facing life in prison is excessive punishment, especially for someone who may have just been adjacent to the incidents. And for those that were directly responsible for the vehicle damage, broken windows, and an officer's broken wrist, they should face legal consequences, but also, maybe they don't deserve decades in prison, maybe?
People? More valuable than property?
Maybe? I don't know, just a thought. Just a thought.
On the other side of both sides of violence at protests, remember the guy who tried to drive his car to protesters and how he got off without even being arrested? Republican lawmakers in six states are trying to make it so even if he ended up hitting protesters, he could still be legally protected. Representative Keith Kumpenich of North Dakota decided that the water protectors and pipeline protesters were leading too cushy of a life, being legally protected from cars running them over. Protesters who intentionally block and challenge motorists are, quote, the definition of terrorism, according to Kumpenich. Running over protesters with a two time metal motion machine that can easily pulverize the human skeleton is apparently not terrorism. They just felt challenged, got mad, and used their kill tool to try to kill people. Kumpenich isn't alone.
Like I said, the Department of Homeland Security has classified anti-factivities as domestic terrorist violence. Compare that to the measures recently taken against far right wing groups, which the SPLC and Anti-Defamation League Center on Extremism say are responsible for the lion's share of extremist related murders and violence. But don't worry, Donald Trump, somehow the president of an entire county, country, has slashed funding for organizations that fight far right extremism by over 10 million dollars. And according to the SPLC and Anti-Defamation League, far right extremists are responsible for most of the politically motivated violence in the country.
So wait, I thought this was good news. No? Groups that exist to curb the violence of right wing extremists have lost funding? Good, good, f***ing great. Yay, good, yay. So the next time someone says we should be opening dialogue instead of protesting, remember that these effective local outreach programs and non-profits that sought to target and intervene with extremism have been defanged.
The quote comes from 1944's Anti-Semite and the Jew about anti-Semitism, but broadly it's about hate and where it comes from, and interacting with Nazis or alt-Nazis. Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge, but they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument, but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is passed. What the Sartman is saying is that anti-Semites and hate groups such as neo-Nazis, the alt-right and white nationalists, twist the rules of decency and engagement to their advantage.
They cry victim while calling for the subjugation or murder of other races. They march in paramilitary gear and carry semi-automatic weapons, then complain about the violence of the left. And when they feel cornered, they rip off their little Nazi polos.
I'm not really white power, man. I just came in for the fun. No, I'm sorry. You can't just take your costume off. And refuse to engage with questions. I wish there was a good quote about that. So, you just came here for the fun? Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. Yeah, yeah, so you're not a real white supremacist. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. It's kind of a fun idea. Which part? Just being able to see a white power. But they are amusing themselves. Ford is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly. I'm not really white power, man, white power. Since he believes in words, the anti-Semites have the right to play. Where's the fun part, cuz?
It has to declare the hot water was separate. I mean, I was in jail. The delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument, but to intimidate and disconcert. For what?
The time for talk is over. They're to leave at least. Okay.
This is the guy who took his white supremacist uniform off. If you press them too closely... You're a white supremacist until people start chasing you and then he took the uniform off.
So are you gonna put it back on? Or put it... I'm quite honest. Yeah, yeah. I love to be offensive. It's fine. So it's like a cosplay.
They will abruptly fall silent. Loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is passed. I don't wanna talk.
Nailed it. Also... I'll tell you about things that would be... Yes! That was fun.
But what's insidious about this is they get to shed their dumb little shirts, hats, khakis, and tiki torches and blend into society, while the minority targets of their violent rhetoric do not. They know that the media's default setting is even-handedness and civility regardless of context. And they will use that to their advantage. Whenever an anti-fib protester throws a punch, they'll use that to justify murder. And they know there will be as much news coverage of the punch or thrown bottle as there will be of the murder. Or like, 2827. They get to be both victim and victimizer, using our good faith and freedom of speech and laws to continue to push for more mainstream acceptance. So now we have to keep countering their protests and calling them out on their dog whistle tactics and their lies.
At a Berkeley protest of Ben Shapiro, the alt-right spread the news that a woman was stabbed by Antifa, except she fell, and according to the police, there was no stabbing in the city of Berkeley last night. Here's the chairman of Trump students and Fox News contributor Ryan Fornier spreading the news that here is the Antifa terrorist who was arrested last night with a weapon at Berkeley, pictured with Hillary Clinton.
Wow. I wonder if Hillary gave her that weapon. Oh, the weapon was a sign that she brought to the protest?
Cool. Cool?
Tweet still up, Ryan? Great, you suck. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right, it's 2017.
Of course, I'm talking about Nazis. There are ways to counter Nazis other than punching them, and that starts with the media doing a better job of holding fascists accountable for the crap they do and say, and to actually do research in the groups who claim to be sheep in wolves' clothing. Journalists have a responsibility to look beyond what alt-right and white nationalists brand themselves as, and lay bare the fascist violence their rhetoric implies. We can't completely dismiss protesters because some of them are violent, and we can criticize the violence without taking the morally lazy perspective that in terms of fascists and anti-fascists, both sides are equally bad.
Wish there was a better way to say that. There's blame on both sides. Nope. Oh, here's a cool life hack for determining which side is worse.
Is one of them Nazis? Then it's the Nazis. The Nazis are worse.
Life hack. Hey everybody, thanks for watching that video. If you wanna subscribe to our channel, click the big C in the middle. If you want notifications when we have new videos come out, click the bell icon, and leave a comment that says, yeah, it didn't watch the video, but it's still wrong. Cause it's YouTube. |
SaturdayNightLive | throne_room_snl | Hi, everybody. thank you for being here. Hi, I'm Tarnaria. Hi, and I'm Ezra Hima Heimakiss.
And we're in charge of Mazzrathan, the God King's weekly debauch party here in the Throne room. Why don't we start by giving ourselves a round of applause? This party, orgy, whatever you want to call it, it's a big part of Mazzrathan's image as a depraved, insane God King. So, obviously, we want to make sure everyone knows their part.
Now, is our snake guy here? Yes, that's me. Ooh, love the snake. And what would you be doing during the party? Well, I was told to cruise the room and menace people with the snake by sort of sticking it in their faces. kind of just like this. you know what I'm saying? that kind of thing? I love that. Yeah. very threatening and sexual, which is the vibe. Now, do I have my sensuous woman and her tender boy? Oh, I believe that's me.
And what? uh, one question. when it comes to my little tender boy, should I tease him with sweet temptings like so? Ooh! maybe I can punish him for being insolent by smacking him on his virgin spine. And can we see that?
Bring that ass To the boy! Bring that ass! That ass!
Something like that? Honestly, I love both. Yeah. hi. sorry to interrupt. um, I'm the guy who spits fireballs at people entering the room, so I'll be by the door, and when someone comes in, it'll just be like. welcome to the Den of Earthly Delights! And I can dial that up or down or whatever you need. No, it's feeling good to me right there.
And I love the no eyebrows. Oh, my God. thank you so much. they burned off, so.
Now, oh, is our old woman caked in makeup with rotten teeth who laughs here? Yeah, present. I'll show you what I was thinking for the laugh. um, just let me find it. exactly. And where will you be on the day? Yeah, I was told to just hang in the shadows, but, like, emergent moment of unease.
Yeah, exactly. And is the man who's playing the loud, abrasive music here, can we hear that? Yeah, sure. And I can make that even worse, if you want. No, no, it's perfect. it really captures the feeling of sexual doom. this is a cursed orgy after all. right, yes. And speaking to the orgy of it all, who is having sex? that would be us. Lovely you do, you'll never work a day in your life. Yeah, so true. Now, we want this sex to blend with the party, Understand? Yeah, you're saying it should be a part of the event, not the event. got it. right. it's happening, but it's not the focus. I can do that. Yeah, exactly, yes.
Because ideally, we want this to look like one big, undulating mass of skin-inherd fluids. it's our North Star. Oh, do we have someone who will be fanning them with a huge feather? I'm on it. And I assume you'll have an enormous penis that I'll have out the whole time?
Yes. sorry, sorry, I'm late.
I'm from the Temple of Shazra-kaz. I was told you wanted a goat for the orgy. so am I, I'm sorry, am I worshipping it or making out with it, or what are we doing? Oh, making out with it is interesting. in fact, let's walk through that at half speed just so we make sure we have it down. I'll give you a cue for the goat. and background.
Okay. okay, loving this. great feather work. great writhing. and action. Go. Blessed be the Horned Wonder. Wow, that is going to be such a showstopper. Okay, well, I think that's everyone.
Oh, wait, is our puckish impure? that would be me. Oh, not what I expected. I know I'm a little older than most puckish imps, but I was told the gig was mostly stealing people's wine and scampering away. maybe I could show you what I was thinking. Okay, let's see it. correct it. really good, really puckish.
Oh, my God, okay, he's here. places, everyone, music, this is it. Behold, Madrathin the Godkin. |
TheOnion | Special_Orders_Chefs_Hate_The_Most_And_Why | Chefs, what special restaurant orders do you hate the most? The houseburger but with no tomato. Diners don't realize that removing the tomato from the houseburger is an extremely laborious process that can take up to three hours at least. Anyone who has ever worked in a kitchen knows that the most difficult dish to execute properly is one single-bin serve drawer. I hate when they order the risotto from the better restaurant up the street. That place is not easy to get into on short notice. When diners storm into the kitchen demanding more, more, more, more munchies for my mouth, ahhh, nom nom nom. It distracts the line cooks, bird houses. Our kitchen does not have enough lumber to construct one at a moment's notice and it's not even on the menu.
When they ask for it medium rare, but closer to medium, like almost medium, deep pink, but not too pink and definitely not red, at least not red red, just a little red but not too red, you know? When they ask to leave off the rat penises. Ah, oh.
Looks like you've scrolled into the wrong part of town. They do graffiti and stabbing crimes here. And you wouldn't want to get caught up in any of that. Best to turn around and swipe back the way you came. Oh no, they've got you surrounded. Try offering them a light for their cigarettes.
Phew. They said they'll let you go, so long as you never show your fugly mug around here again. Now scrounge. |
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