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dropout | smell_talk_part_2 | We're here with Laura Donna, who is a fragrance coach and fanatic. Thank you for coming. Thank you.
What are colognes and fragrances made of? Fragrances are made of notes. Typical top notes would be citrus. I just got a whiff of something syrupy.
Did you get that? Maybe this. This one's amber. Oh yeah. What comes to your mind? It's like one of those stores where they sell hippy clothes.
Yeah, at least I'm going to smell Spencer's gifts. So what kind of scent do you... Christmas. Yeah, you don't get the scent. I don't get it.
Oh, it smells like a candy cane. Candy cane.
Okay, so we have three coworkers who could use a little bit of help in the scent departments. We were wondering if you could kind of give them little consultations and see what they like. I'd love to. Yay! Let's bring them in. So what do we got here? Well, what we've got here are individual notes that are used to create perfume.
And then we've got some commercial scents, and I want to figure out which one you like. I don't know that I have a preference, so I'm excited to find out which one I like myself. Do you like citrus and mint? I'm not so into mint, but it's citrus I can do. I'd say citrus is probably my favorite kind of floor cleaner.
Tell me what this reminds you of. Kind of like lavender-y. Yeah. It smells like purple. Do you like it? That's my favorite one. I like that a lot. Cedar. So it's seeming like I'm going down the woody path.
Well, you could like a lot of different smells, but it seems like you are kind of a woody lover. This is a man's cologne, but it's a man's cologne that a woman might potentially steal. Is that licorice? I don't know that I have it. Women love the smell of licorice. This is a man's cologne that has an upset in it.
No, I like that one. It's pretty good. Yeah. That's a good one. I'd wear that one.
All right. Try it on right now. Okay. Now that Dan Streeter and Jeff have picked their scents, let's see how they do with real live human girls. Ooh. Ladies, there's no way I cannot sound creepy when I say this, but now we're going to blindfold. Good? You were right. All right, ladies, we're going to bring in our first subject.
I would say he smells like he showers a lot. I was going to say he's very... It smells very clean.
So wrong. Someone who would take me out to a really expensive day. Oh, you guys have no idea what you just said.
I got woodsy. Woodsy. Yeah. Kind of old man. I didn't get like old man. I got like he could like punch a bear in a neck. Manly and like a lumberjack. Very strong.
And now for our third subject. I like really like that one the best. I really like it.
Yeah. But it reminds me of something that he would have found in a magazine and then like rubbed it. Yeah. It was like a little bit sweet. Yeah. Like I feel like we would spoon. Borderline feminine for me, but...
Okay, so now that you guys smelled all three of the guys scents, which scent was your favorite? I think I have to give it number three. Number three?
I like that one. The first one. I like the second one.
Uh oh. One boy for each of you. Yes. No sir. It looks like it was a happy ending for everyone. Yep. Thanks for coming to College Humor Labs and we'll see you next time. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_3 | Last effort at a successful improv game, we're trying to do a song. An improvised song. Easy. That's a piece of Jake. That is a piece of Jake. That's a new thing that I'm trying to say. No one let that catch on. I'm going to be a suggestion from a genre of music from the audience and a suggestion for an object that we're going to sing about, okay? Yeah.
That's a genre of music. Favorite song.
I mean, what's it about? Can we get an object? Right here.
Baseball bat. It's a country song that all baseball bats.
Ready? Easy. One, two, three, four.
I'll hold you, Jake! We're going to improvise! We're going to mix it up! I'm going to blow your eyes! This is how guys do this. It's my friend, we're improv guys! Improb, we're the improv guys! And I'm bold-minded at the top of my dome Don't know where I work with y'all Don't know where I might well roam A freestyle, a realization of an American rap nation It's a conscriptive case of this improvisation Can't you believe we're breakin' this shit up? Lookin' for a director like a pickup truck Improv, we're the improv guys We're the same shirt My different size! Don't know where I might work with y'all Don't know where I might well roam Five, four, three, two, one Baseball now! Let's go Bats! |
cracked | how_the_kendall_jenner_pepsi_ad_got_made | Hey, it's Michael Bernard direct this commercial So normally I do like Victoria's Secret or Playboy covers But when Pepsi was like we want to do something edgy and different I was like fuck. Yes So obviously you start with Pepsi who's drinking it boom cellist on a helipad now other directors probably gone with an electric guitar But I was like no take it back to basics suddenly boom people Protesting join the conversation sign says it all what conversation you left to join to find out now I've never been to a protest myself, but they always seem like they'd be filled with hot chicks and cool dicks So we're gonna cut that with the cello sweating for his art until yeah We see this photographer intercoat with people making out at a march big reveal. She's Muslim You know cuz people are always talking about Muslims I had to because we're brave like that and you can tell she's chill cuz she has a nose ring So I found this hot up-and-coming model named Kendall Jenner, right? So I cast her as this edgy model because she couldn't really do anything else and This march is going on right next to her photo shoot because life, you know join the conversation and she's all what is that right? So we shot a sick overhead of people marching But like what are they marching for join the conversation and now we're back to the cellist and his super poor person apartment with the brick Wall and even though he's like all about his art. He hears what's going on and is like, huh Grabs a Pepsi and checks it out on his poor person balcony and he sees people, you know He sees people with with heart and peace signs and a blue-haired chick sharing her food hot chicks everywhere This protest is lit Join the conversation then we show the Muslim woman again and she's all scary and mad She's like nah, these photos are hella bad Until she hears the protest and is like I gotta take photos of this, right? She joins the conversation the dope ass cellist joins the conversation He brings his cello because you can bring that shit anywhere Probably the cello starts playing and now this protest is a fucking rave like all protests people dancing hot girls being hot lit as fuck and her model is like FOMO and then she sees the cellist a totally I fuck and then without saying a single word. He's like boom Join the conversation and then she's like I'm gonna solve racism So hold my blonde wig black woman. So now everyone is marching and then oh shit. What a cock block the cops boo So then we show some gays, you know and some diverse people and then there's Kendall. She grabs a Pepsi She's like I'm gonna fix this right? I'm gonna hold a Pepsi like this But she I fucks the cellos real quick this bumps a black guy and walks right up to the cops right up to him Like how what brave like this is a brave woman, right? She hands him the Pepsi and everyone's like no way Music drops the cop drinks it the crowd goes nuts The protest rave is banging and then some guy hugs the Muslim girl because we're brave like that And the cop is like this Pepsi is so good. I gotta join the conversation Pepsi Millennials are gonna fucking love this ad.
Hey guys Saturday April 8th We're doing a live after-hours Katie Willard Daniel O'Brien Soren Bowie and I will be coming up with movie ideas too awesome to get made tickets are seven dollars There's probably more information somewhere on your screen and a place to click and buy them. So do that |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_john_mark_karr_saturday_night_live | This Wednesday, O.j. Simpson's announced plans for a Tv interview and book that hypothetically discusses how he would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. here to comment on the ethical nature of this media event, John Mark Carr. Thank you Seth and Amy. it's good to be here.
Simpson. Who loves the public spotlight so much that he continues to pretend that he killed Nicole Brown Simpson. wait, you don't think he killed her? you don't think he's the killer? I know he isn't the killer, Seth. because I am.
Oh my goodness. feels so good to get that off my chest. Thank you guys for being so easy to talk to. the confessional floodgates are opening. Oh, I'm just remembering another terrible thing I did. Seth, I can tell you this because I feel like you understand me. I don't. the other day, I went to Naomi Campbell's apartment and I hit her maid on the back of the head of the cell phone. Oh my God. feels so good to confess to all my heinous, heinous crimes, y'all. Yeah, I don't think you did that either.
I shot 50 cent. Oh, come on. come on. Well, not all nine times. just six. Or five. that was six. I shot him 11 times.
Alright, you know what? John Markar, everybody. I killed Bambi's mom. What? |
dropout | Congress_Won_t_Let_Us_Offend_Florida | Well, gang, I think Stuntmanatee has defied death for too long. This is going to be the most exciting, action-packed, intricately choreographed fight of our lives!
That's against the rules. Boshi, what rules? Since when do we have rules? We get our funding from Congress, and they just approved a bunch of new rules of conduct, including Ultra Megatron is barred from punching, kicking, or otherwise damaging a manatee.
Because it's an endangered animal? Heck no! If you wanted, you could punt a bald eagle into space. Okay, tell me more about that. Not now.
The committee thinks that punching Florida's official marine mammal would be bad for tourism. Florida? The state that's full of alligators is going to keep people out of Florida?
I don't know what I should do about that. You gotta give everyone a chance. I'm just relaying the matter. 50 miles long of things they should do. Okay, so what, are we not supposed to destroy this thing? Oh, they want you to destroy it, just not in a way that looks violent. I mean, I guess I could hug you to death? That's so lame. Bye! We have to stop this guy before he jumps over this fleet of school buses and crashes into that weed dispensary. Wait, what? Okay, destroying hospitals is one thing, but weed? I mean, that's like the one political issue I care about. Let's make this manatee do God. Stop. You can't do anything that promotes drug use. So make sure when you save the dispensary, you're really anti-weed. Okay, bye. Hey kids, taking a legally available drug is wrong. Even if you're using it for medical reasons. You shouldn't do it because a bunch of old white men think it's bad and that the devil lives and it's smoking and it's going to haunt your lungs. How is that? A little passive aggressive.
Oh, fuck, that manatee is going to make the job. Oh God, he's going for it. It's on me, it's on him. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, he's going to make it. No, no, no, no, he didn't make that.
Damn Brody, what is wrong with your vision? Glaucoma.
If only there was some way to treat it. Okay, let's just lovingly kill this endangered species and get out of here. Yeah, sounds good to me.
It looks like he's stacking dynamite around that coal refinery. That kind of explosion would result in Michael Bay level devastation.
What? What is it now, Boshi? What? I dare you, Boshi.
You can't do anything that would make the coal industry look bad. So work in some discussion of clean coal? Like, wow, this monster sure fights dirty, unlike this coal. No, bad news everyone.
We already made the Florida news. If you liked that clip, then I've got great news for you. You can watch the rest of the episode plus a whole bunch more stuff on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today. Talk to you later. I've got to run. |
Fitzthistlewits | limbo_review | Limbo, this game had so much potential, but it threw it all away. For example, look at those graphics. What is this? 1842? BC? There's this thing called color, you boneheads. And ugh, everything's so grainy and smokey, I can't see a thing. How am I supposed to be scared if everything's dark?
Next, let's look at the character models. Look at those legs. How the F does he support the weight of his body with those little dangly things, let alone run?
Then you meet a giant spider. Oh yeah, because they exist, right? Wrong! It's impossible to have an insect that large, with today's low oxygen atmosphere. Way to break my immersion, you lummoxes. Lummoxi. Number three, there isn't any limboing. Game makes no sense.
At this point, I thought I had missed a power-up, so I went back to get it. Oh wait, no, I drowned. What is this? Assassin's Creed 1? I thought they invented the technology to swim in video games years ago, but no, apparently I was mistaken.
What is this? Lord of the Rings? Return of the Kings?
Oh, I suppose falling kills you as well. What a piece of shit. I'd rather slit my own wrists and then dive into a pool of salted raccoon piss than play this diarrhea cunt-bucket of an excuse for a game. I'd rather vomit into a plastic bag and then collect all the discarded tampons from a homeless shelter, mix the two together, let it ferment, and then inhale the resulting fumes whilst being raped by a troop of debauched Frisian businessmen than play this fucking shit.
B- out of: yeh. |
cracked | why_the_good_guys_in_star_fox_are_on_a_suicide_mission_today_s_topic | Before the events of Star Fox 1, Andras has already committed crimes against humanity or bestiality. Alleged bestiality. As a global government, why would you exile a traitor to a planet called Venom?
Just disintegrate the guy. Compassion, I guess? No. That guy deserves to be taken care of. And when they do send somebody after him, they send like four dudes.
General Pepper has entire planets full of armies. Is there no oversight on planet Venom? I mean, who are these faceless guys designing and building his army?
Team Star Fox are like floor fish in a barrel roll out there. Who just so happened to be major space badasses that can get the job done, which they do, by the end of the game. You know, maybe everyone on Team Good Guy knew that. Clearly they're not. I mean, three quarters of Team Fox is incompetent crybabies who get regularly chewed out by command.
And there you go. An ex-gang member, mind you. No! At one point just leaves. No reason. Just because he can. Aha.
Not in Star Fox Adventures. When he Han Solo's the shit out of the final battle by flying in and saving Fox. One time, and he's a hero. What about the hundred other times that Peppy gets killed because he doesn't have a wingman?
Just know what. Screw Peppy too. Yeah. Peppy is a relic of a defunct generation.
Too old for this mission, and he knows it. I'm really gonna retire after this.
But didn't Peppy train Star Fox from a young age? You know, basically teach him everything he knows? If you ask me, the rabbit is really probably the fox's father.
Although I don't know how that would work zoologically. It couldn't. And then you have Slippy. Slippy is a weapons specialist. No.
You get weapons upgrades from flying through three-dimensional polygons. Polyhedra! My point is, who needs a weapons specialist when Polyhedra are just in the air? Right but who put them there?
Not Slippy. Cute.
Besides, they're all mercenaries. At one point, they'll probably just betray the forces of good for a fat stack of cash that Andross puts on the table.
It couldn't happen. Not to Team Star Fox. Can and did. To the original Team Star Fox. Remember, Fox's dad, James McLeod, was betrayed by Pigma Dengar.
I'll miss you.
Pig! Might as well be in a rat. I could rat a two-faced, big, fucking swan! Big!
God damn, man. He didn't betray you. He might as well have, Mike. Then Star Fox learned from his father's mistake. You only assemble a team of trusted friends. Fox is the worst of all of them. I mean, all of his actions seem to be driven by a lust for vengeance. As far as General Droopy Dog is concerned, Fox isn't a soldier. He's not even a citizen. He's an outlaw. What's to stop Fox from flying into Andross' base and keeping all of his treasure for himself? He doesn't. And even if his friends suck at flying, they get the job done. Which is why Star Fox is the baddest S.O.B. in the whole of creation. You maybe. I never finished that game. So to me, Star Fox is still a morally ambiguous mercenary. How to kill the man you hold responsible for his father's death.
It's like we're in two parallel dimensions. Two alternate Star Fox lives. So similar. Yet never touching.
Yeah. Man, one of these days, we are going to talk about something that matters. Pass. Yeah. That's what I thought.
Before the events of Star Fox 1, Andross has already committed crimes against humanity. Or bestiality. Ew. Alleged bestiality.
As a global government, why would you exile a traitor to a planet called Venom? Just disintegrate the guy. Compassion, I guess? No. That guy deserves to be taken care of. And when they do send somebody after him, they send like four dudes.
General Pepper has entire planets full of armies. Is there no oversight on planet Venom? I mean, who are these faceless guys designing and building his army?
Team Star Fox are like four fish in a barrel roll out there. Who just so happened to be major space badasses that can get the job done. Which they do by the end of the game. You know, maybe everyone on Team Good Guy knew that. Clearly they're not. I mean, three quarters of Team Fox is incompetent crybabies who get regularly chewed out by command. Falco, an ex-gang member, mind you.
No! At one point just leaves. No reason. Just because he can. Aha!
Not in Star Fox Adventures. When he Han solos the shit out of the final battle by flying in and saving Fox. One time, and he's a hero.
What about the hundred other times that Pepe gets killed because he doesn't have a wingman? Just know what. Screw Pepe too. Yeah, Pepe is a relic of a defunct generation.
Too old for this mission, and he knows it. I'm really gonna retire after this.
What? Didn't Pepe train Star Fox from a young age? You know, basically teach him everything he knows? If you ask me, the rabbit is really probably the fox's father.
Although I don't know how that would work zoologically. It couldn't.
And then you have Slippy. Slippy is a weapons specialist. No. You get weapons upgrades from flying through three-dimensional polygons. Polyhedra! My point is, who needs a weapons specialist when Polyhedra are just in the air? Who put them there? Not Slippy.
Besides, they're all mercenaries. At one point, they'll probably just betray the forces of good for a fat stack of cash that Andross puts on the table.
It couldn't happen. Not to Team Star Fox. Can and did. To the original Team Star Fox. Remember, Fox's dad, James McLeod, was betrayed by Pigma Dengar.
I'll miss you.
Pig. Might as well be a rat. I could rat a two-faced pig fucking swan pig shit.
God damn, man. He didn't betray you. He might as well have, Mike. Then Star Fox learned from his father's mistake. You only assemble a team of trusted friends. Fox is the worst of all of them. I mean, all of his actions seem to be driven by a lust for vengeance. As far as General Droopy Dog is concerned, Fox isn't a soldier. He's not even a citizen. He's an outlaw. What's to stop Fox from flying into Andross's base and keeping all of his treasure for himself? But he doesn't. And even if his friends suck at flying, they get the job done, which is why Star Fox is the baddest S.O.B. in the whole of creation. To you, maybe. I never finished that game. So to me, Star Fox is still a morally ambiguous mercenary. I have to kill the man you hold responsible for his father's death.
It's like we're in two parallel dimensions. Two alternate Star Fox lives. So similar, yet never touching.
Yeah. Man, one of these days, we are going to talk about something that matters. Pass. Yeah. That's what I thought. |
dropout | the_real_reason_you_re_circumcised_adam_ruins_everything | Hi there, I see you're circumcised but wait you're not Jewish or Muslim so that's kind of strange don't you think? What no it's normal, what? Actually it's not, hi I'm Adam Conover and apart from those two religions and a few African tribes America is actually one of the only cultures that practices circumcision yet most of us don't even know why we do it.
Would you like to? Not right now man, oh just get it over with. To learn more, let's go back in time to the day you were circumcised. God no. By the time your tip got snipped, circumcision had been a tradition for generations. Would you like to circumcise Brian?
Yeah, I guess, I mean his should look like mine right? Okey doke. No! But the source of that tradition is real weird. His should look like mine, right? His should look like mine!
Right? Better cut him. I reckon it'll stop him from masturbating. What? Yep.
Though religious circumcision has been practiced in the Middle East for millennia, no one did it in the west until the sex-phobic days of the late 19th century when puritanical doctors promoted it as a way to stop your kids from committing their favorite sin. Observe the vile masturbator, the sallow complexion, the rotten teeth and the open sores. Actually I think I have syphilis. Caused by masturbation. One prominent advocate of dick-docking was, and I'm not making this up, John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of Corn Flakes. My cure is two-fold, a diet rich in flaked corn and cutting off part of the penis. Victorian prunes like Kellogg just straight up hated sex and thought that by pruning your Peter they could make it less pleasurable, taming your base, lustful instincts. And you don't even want to know what they thought you should do to women. Just apply a little carbolic acid to the kleptoris.
Yikes! Thank God that one didn't catch on. Alright everyone, let's take a five. This is stupid.
Being circumcised doesn't stop me from masturbating. Yeah, I know. That's why it's so weird we still do it. But isn't it cleaner or something? No.
Maybe in biblical times it'll prevent infection, but nowadays you can just wash your dingus. It has been found to somewhat reduce the risk of HIV transmission, but so do condoms and they don't require you to chop your dick off. Okay, but foreskin's are useless. Actually Brian, the foreskin plays an important role in sex. It's a natural lubricant, contains millions of nerve endings, and it protects the glands from being desensitized.
Thanks Burt. Got it Burt.
But if you're uncircumcised, girls will think your dick looks weird. Oh, it's an interesting theory. Let's test it. Does this dick look weird? Yep. And does this dick look weird? Yeah. And does this dick look weird? Yeah, all dicks look weird. Thanks man.
Look, if you like being circumcised, fine. There's no harm in it, but there's also no benefit to it. And the only reason you're circumcised is because the 19th century prude who invented cornflakes was trying to ruin your sex life.
Oh, well that didn't take long. Pick up where we left off. I'm not really in the mood anymore. Hah! Sounds like you won. Sure.
Well, I'm not going to be in the mood anymore. I'm not going to be in the mood anymore.
Oh, well that didn't take long. Pick up where we left off. I'm not really in the mood anymore. Hah! Sounds like you won. Join me next time on Adam Ruins Everything when I'll be talking about how what you think are your cherished childhood memories are just fictional simulations created by your brain.
Get out. Please get out. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Please get out. If you like that video, click me to subscribe. Get out.
You know what? Why don't you just do it? Yeah.
Mess him up. Hit me. That'll get me to stop.
I know.
You can't do it. I've never played baseball before. Click on him. He might do it. Nah, he won't. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_challenges | Challenge Friday! What? Challenge Friday!
Stop yelling. Sorry, I couldn't hear myself. You heard me say what at a normal volume? I couldn't hear myself. I could hear you just fine.
Don't ever present information like you're outsmarting me. Challenge Friday is the day where I challenge and beat you at anything you choose. I didn't ask, but fine, I challenge you to be quiet for the rest of the day. Can't believe that word. Hang on, sorry, I'm just amending the Challenge Friday rules. Now I get to choose the challenge. Smart. Eating challenge. You're holding a yo-yo. I could swallow it. Don't.
Shaving contest! Shikhydro challenge! How did you already cover your entire face in shaving cream? I don't know, why don't you ask my Shikhydro? Don't ask me to talk to your razor. Challenge!
Who has the longest umbilical cord? Go! Oh my god, how do you still have that? Why is it so long? Neither my doctors nor my parents thought I should have a normal belly button. Sad.
It seems an eating challenge is in order. Eat, eat, eat!
No, don't, don't, don't. What's the matter, Jakey? Afraid I can't swallow a yo-yo? Yes, I am afraid of that. Here we go, one time.
Ah!
You okay? Oh, it's dropping into my stomach. Oh, back up. You want me to call 911? Yes. |
ClickHole | super_mario_odyssey_is_a_powerful_work_of_marxist_art_depicting_the_struggles_of_a_humble_plumber | Hey guys! Today we're talking about Super Mario Odyssey, which is the highly anticipated Mario game for Nintendo Switch. So, Zach, what do you think? Well, Mario fans will be happy to hear that on top of being extremely fun and gorgeously designed, Super Mario Odyssey is a powerful work of Marxist art depicting the noble struggles of the humble plumber. It really is. With Super Mario Odyssey, Nintendo has crafted a touching pay-on to the proletarian, and I think people are going to get the Switch just so they can play this game.
The game puts you in the work-worn boots of Mario, a mighty yet modest plumber living under the yoke of capitalism. Mario finds himself in a class struggle against those who would wrest the fruits of his labor from his gloved hands, like Bowser, the Mushroom Kingdom's capitalist slumlord. The biggest boss of the game is the capitalist system that makes it impossible for a plumber working 12-hour days killing turtles in the sewer to afford basic necessities like safari outfits and sombreros. Let's talk about New Donk City. Right. So, when Mario gets to New Donk City, he's an Italian immigrant, he barely speaks any English, and he's three feet shorter than everyone else. But he has this hope that if he works hard, he can succeed. A hope that is quickly ground into dust by the grinding gears of exploitative industry. Sadly, yes. Mario faces incredibly dangerous working conditions in his job as a plumber, including structurally on sound surfaces, giant rolling barrels, and flaming vats of oil. Without the protection of a union, life is hard for Mario, and after getting kicked out of his boarding house for turning into a giant bullet, he's forced to sleep in a side air balloon.
It isn't until the end of the game that Mario attends a socialist rally and finally finds relief in standing in solidarity with his fellow workers. It was a stirring moment in the game, and I found myself quite moved by it. Well, that's the power of a keen-eyed work of class-conscious art like this one. So, how would you rate this game? I'm going to be giving Super Mario Odyssey five stars for shining a light on the small, daily battles of the forgotten working man, whose struggle for dignity in a cruel capitalist society is no less heroic than any Homerian epic. I'm also giving Mario Odyssey five stars for being a rallying cry for the workers of the world to unite and topple the capitalist regime.
We have nothing to lose but our chains. See you next time. |
CrackerMilk | judas_at_the_last_supper | Another great supper, helped by the Messiah himself. We are truly blessed. I mean, his gifts are so bountiful. Don't you agree, Judas?
It's good. Yeah, it's good.
Yeah, maybe go easy there, buddy. Let me check my sundial. Oh, I've got a meeting soon, so I've just got to hurry it up. Mmm. That's great blood.
Brothers, I have heard tell that there is a traitor in our midst. Someone is going to betray Jesus our Lord. No matter. He'll rot in hell. Oh, I don't think betraying the Lord would really, you know, end you up in hell.
I think it'd be fine. I think, to be honest, it's kind of reasonable when you really think about it. I think he's pretty clear cut about it, Judas. Whoever did it will be able to tell. They'll be covered in their riches, their greed. Yeah. Those things. Hmm? Oh, this is really good. No, guys, this has been really good. I don't know. Well, Jesus says he has good plans for us in the near future.
Shit! Fuck!
See ya! Do you guys like what we say with sex with Mary? No, I don't want to stay.
He's a good friend. He's a good guy. Hmm? I just picked him up as a local carpenter. |
cracked | do_you_agree_with_wife_sharing_w_katie_rose_leon_quorators_podcast | Before we start so at the top are we gonna pretend that we have a big announcement next week on our channel And then we'll be like we were fired YouTube I think we just tell them what this is our last sort of season two and go to yeah, okay, okay? But I want to play all things on and then it's all thanks. I didn't do that sure sure I just wasn't we're not gonna admit yet that we were fired. That's the Don't know you're been fired because I'm here I'm the death knell for any project Truly a dark omen I'm ready when you are okay play the music and is it recording yeah, okay? sound speed Happy New Year Wow I never thought we'd be here.
Did you know here it? To 24 In the cracked studio live home of the fact it's the corridors podcast 2024 In the corridors 2024 a new year do you Don't eat so much chocolate shut up. I'm Alex Jeremy we have a very special guest for you this week a somewhat of a harbinger in a way All sorts of tidings we have content celebrity Katie Rosalie on Katie Oh, thank you so much Alex for being here, and thank you for fully admitting that I have no credits anymore It's so funny to do nothing and keep getting invited on things super podcast What if I we put Comedy Central around your name on a poster where people gonna look it up? I technically was in a Comedy Central digital short, so it does count Baby Hey before we get into this This is our last episode on the crack YouTube if you want to see more corridors head to our YouTube it corridors Corraders the page on Corraders it has all of our episodes even the ones you've been watching here It's all the same, and it's the go hit the ring the bell Like and subscribe Are you doing it? The plugs up top you have to do it. Hey guys welcome to my page like and subscribe I'm assistant to mrs.. Katie the bell is our third episode of the week or the day of the day that we're tired New year isn't it Jeremy it's sort of this and so we're really excited to turn chapter great new Questions all year long you're on season Two this is the season finale season two finale someone will die at the end of this yeah 2.9 It's gonna be Jeremy Okay, watch for Jeremy death cam Now like and subscribe like and subscribe. We're very fortunate that First of all like and subscribe our show came out on both Christmas Day and New Year's Day The best time for content no one's doing anything else you needed something to listen to on the long drive to your bitch aunt's house And that's where we come in yeah And so we are answering when as we do our last week on quarter segment You know Katie returning gasps Take from a community. We are going to be answering our quick Christmas question first now What did we ask during the Christmas episode classic Christmas question?
What is your favorite war crime? Oh? You say this is the right group of men No one will ask you a personal question for the rest of the night, and I love that That's a Brooklyn class I think I gave one answer last time, but there's all kinds of good options Did I mention pushing people off a cliff no? Yeah sure it is probably right if it if you do it during war if you do it during war if you do It in a bad way in that if you do it with a sense of justice That's all right, and there's like Sonic the Hedgehog spikes at the bottom Yeah, like if you do it to scar it's not, but if you do a fossa it is Yeah, it's it's complicated But anyway, did we get any answers on this yeah mark Owen says Prescott Bush And his banking buddies for funding the rise of the Nazi Party not only prior to World War two But for a further two years into the war in Europe that the American federal government only acted after Pearl Harbor to stop this lunatic that said the same colonial state realized it could not this is just a real it's like Define what favorite means to you Cuz the word favor is in favorite which would make me think that this is something you like It's to bring up a hit war crime But I'm also gonna say giving money not one of the war crimes war crimes are usually when murder happens Yeah Amy says enjoy prison human trafficker.
Thank you Down vote Amy's a fan of the show I recognize those comments from the YouTube cracked page Yeah, I don't know well Andrew K says agent orange because orange is my favorite fruit see that's a good answer great band Great fruit one of one of the top colors you can have now I gotta say if you are listening to the show then you of course know when you answer our questions be sure to Use your a code word Scrambled eggs and that way we'll know that you're one of you're with the gang You're not gonna change in the new year. No It would keep it as easy as we can for people because they're they're animals I will not be downloading a second picture of food That's how we know that's how we know that Amy isn't a listener because she'd be like enjoy prison human trafficker scrambled eggs Enjoy your scrambled eggs in prison in prison you human traffickers lead pedophiles Have you guys been pizza gated Every fucking week I don't know Genuinely Jewish Yeah, yeah, he said this before and so I'm just like I'm a goi of looking through the glass Yeah, he's just a nice Catholic boy. Oh, yeah If you make a few videos on cracked every now Then you'll get a comment that are like big nose equals human trafficking was big crimes This is the home of facts as Alex announced I will always be true. No matter if I'm on the channel or not. Yes It is always the whole of the fact you think they'll keep using that expression that no one used while we were here They made all that merch Surely it's getting out there These are some great work, okay, and I'm glad we could recap our Christmas episode with them But it's time to get on theme. It's New Year's Do you have any resolutions for yourself in this bright new year I Resolved to have more waffles the cat in our curators episodes He is a diva.
Yes, you aren't Rob. You've been replaced Rob shrugs Doesn't care.
He says it's that we're cringe You just called me a human trafficker Waffles is despite as many faults never done that though. He has scratched my ear. So I bled That kind of pissed me off anyway my my resolution is to eat better So we got some great wars for you today.
What's our first segment here? Okay, our first segment is Corbin and fruit. It is the religion segment.
Let's see if he does it I Always call the police Can I just make a comment about the last time I was on this show I'd love to hear You guys used a clip of me talking about a Christian baby and accidentally Put me on to atheists internet the atheist mistaken me I'm not a religious person. I'm not saying I'm I'm you know, whatever but it's very funny to wake up and find out that you have a hundred comments from people being like atheist Queen Extons wanna shut this down Idiots, and I'm like I did I didn't prepare for this this morning.
I think you gave birth to Christ You're the virgin looking forward to serving the needs of my people sure atheists We have a great question for you today We've been sitting on this one for a few weeks here now that Christ has returned using Trump as his vessel should a new modern gospel Be written in his honor So Trump gospel yes, or no, it would be so fun to read whenever there's a gospel on the table I'm saying yes, there'd be a whole section about like Robert Pattinson or whatever Yeah of the Bible yeah Washed up That was thou shall not continue dating her washed-up ass also like with McDonald's be part of the sacrament Yeah a diet coke. Oh, yeah, that's one of the cheapest sacraments you can have That's oh sure yeah, oh, yeah Well, I think he should do that and have one I think it'd be great I'd love to read I genuinely would be happy if Trump like quick politics to write a Bible Yeah, he would be much more Fathomable as a cult leader than just trying to be a politician That'd be great is the concept that he hasn't written about him or it's he's God's vessel right it says Yeah, I mean like it says in his honor, so they're like who's up for free most charitably Jared writes it Otherwise, it's just some bozo lawyer. He's got a flock of seagulls haircut. He's just like he's The ones who work for the big man, that's true anyway aka Trump, I think we're all on the same page here Let's see how mad everybody God didn't Also, I just want to say that I think he could write it But like got through God right like Joseph Smith style where he was just like God told me all this stuff So I wrote it down for him Doing that yeah, yeah, he's like he said I could have this God loves me.
He's decaying People are saying it's a troll yeah bird lol This is the best trolling in history the best the best trolling in history Obviously, no one's ever seen any of the jackass movie. Yeah, we're blood ninja Sorry, honey. I've had far better You call this a troll there's a poster of the Rick role in this office, so that's how I know I'm in the right place Frank stirs welcome, but not us per se Admittedly not the one I was excited for I was except for the next one Okay, all the answers are just like you need help go to a therapy. You're mentally unwell Go to jail go to jail right now.
I'm sending you a Wonka meme with Trump. It's a Wonka. This is fascinating It's Trump's face over the Wonka face. Yes, it's like an orange Wonka. Literally the dumbest fucking thing I've read all day is the comment.
I want that. I want that picture. You can have it I need pictures of you know, I'm on your computer.
I can save it Donald Trump Wonka. What would that be like good news? It's now you have it Jeremy's so good at the computer desktop Bargain working with such a smart young man. I'm so tired Trump Wonka He you have to look at all his orange candy.
Katie comes do our podcast. You're the third of the day.
We've been fired Left on our own accord certainly not for our truth with dignity Question So, mr. Atheist dinosaurs are mentioned in the Bible, please mr. Atheist is my father Don't talk to me that way I Know about dinosaurs, who do you think is mr. Atheist?
X because he has that bit about it. Is it it's probably like Bill Maher's religious. Sure. Yes He's graduated to mr. Ape it's Penn Jillette, I'm pretty sure Now where are dinosaurs in the Bible, um, you're both Jewish scholars I was about to say someone barely Jewish It's gotta be Old Testament right it's definitely not Roman era It's probably like and on the fourth day there were dinosaurs and I acknowledge dairy and Noah said bring the velociraptors Cuz there's gonna be a really cool franchise that needs these I need an animal that can open doors Make sure to include velociraptors There's smarter than people know about Also, it's like not to give a real answer about this But if you go into art history, there's so many examples of a dude telling a dude about an animal They've never seen before then they try to paint it and I that's probably if there were dinosaurs in there Which I don't think there are you know, they're probably just describing an alligator to him.
They're like great lizards Jacob's head did bite If that's your that's a sneak around that's how you can get it in on the other How big is that boat? Freaking pretty big boat. It's gonna be like an aircraft carrier. Plus you're getting two of every and you know I thought the Carnival Cruise was big Dinos are on it.
How do you feel about this? Mr. Atheist? I'm triggered. I am triggered and I'm molding.
Well, yeah dinosaur. Noah would be I see what you're doing. Yeah, and I approve. I'm a great talent now I've got the answers to this kind of suck. Yeah, I bet they do.
What do you think about that? No, what do you think about it?
Mr. Atheist? I don't know Oh, I should mention that the other throw under the page the one we did before about Trump was on done with the bullshit Quora.com Quora has like subreddits. Oh, they're subquora subquora's and you can they were also you pay for them It's not really clear. I I like gave my email to quora.com and I want to say 2006 Forever and Enjoy your emails about what it's like to shower. It's like the old I am it's the longest relationship I've had besides interpunk comm which I think went out of business They also submit an email every every day for the rest of my life. Hopefully not as much about incest Well, you know pop-punk Yeah, okay. Fair enough pedophilia all the same It was a website where you went to buy a back patch when you were 13 because it was the only game in town No dinosaurs are not mentioned anywhere in the Bible not a single mention of them appears anywhere in any of the books in the older New Testaments you are either very confused. Someone has lied to you or more likely you are deliberately lying to quorins Wait, wait, wait, wait Warren's is that common vernacular? We've seen it once or twice. It's by heavy users. We're trying to figure out if it's Karen's For Quora, but we think it's just people. No, I think it's the people of Quora like as if they're a citizens of Quora citizens Mr. Atheist swipe in on you're hiding him hinge and it's like I'm a Leo Gemini Rising You know, you know that makes it sound like moron though What do you think about that mr. Atheist It triggers me again What? You go on the internet and why would anyone lie on the internet it's a bastion of truth just for cloud Let me read the rest of this by the way because after the quarantine for quorins for the cloud She says let me assure you we're not quite so green as we're cabbage looking go and do something constructive But if you can't manage to achieve that just go go anywhere just go away.
Oh and incidentally, I'm not mr Atheist at a page you could call me you could address me as a miss atheist or more correctly dr. Atheist Doctor it revealed Dr. Atheist is a miss.
Yes.
You said mrs. I said miss. The doctor is a woman. You're a miss.
Thank you I just want to note for the listeners of the show. That is full circle I've been saying every we've been saying it a lot.
It's dr. Atheist. Dr. Is a woman Bestiality, those are the two things that we say on this show check our iTunes reviews. You'll find it to be true And then check the Bible for dinosaurs. I've heard they're in there so happy to be here Can't wait to be clipped into this like it subscribe any approves of bestiality the clip My reaction on the thumbnail and be like Alex hates if you're listening, I'm like Just picture that this picture of going like that. Yeah picture it with my face when I did This guy Richard says that's Lord atheist to you everyone's just correcting the title my lord What the fuck so it's like I don't believe in God, but I do believe in the feudal system. Yes Which people are divined by God to own land we are quickly approaching a red status With the speed of Lords No, I think it's their fault body were saying that's mrs. Atheist.
I hate this This sucks move on Tim Hill. I like this guy Tim Hill says my name is mr. Hill Oh Thank you Tim Hill you are a photographer Tim Hill is very, you know, he doesn't want to get his name Not to get too into it, but it's just very funny There was like a big controversy on Twitter today about like doxing and stuff and I kind of made a joke about it A lot of people were like, I like your content a lot Jeremy, but doxing is too far and I was like Yeah, I've never doxed anybody and don't listen to the podcast I Definitely don't go to Accidentally dox people constantly giving names professions. Let me be clear. It is not an accident Tim Hill lives in West Midland From 1970 to present already good high school and he has studied music jazz rock fusion Latin rap pop and classical Oh, that's cool as hell and we have one follower in common. Who is it?
Hans probe sting? Shout out to Hans. You're the coordinator's follower of the week Make sure don't go to our new channel Hans cuz We're afraid of losing a lot of traffic But you could make the difference.
Oh God, I'm like, it's like I also like it's a drug again. Not this channel a different channel I'll see you like this son Okay, let's go to Quora MD Yes, please hit that button Alex what is your success rate? I'm fine. It's just free. My second button press is like 80% One shot first The first one has a much lower range and this is our medical segment What's with this music isn't doesn't sound like you're in a hospital Well, what's the music that you play in a hospital to you when you think you're in a hospital It's not usually music so much as like oh it's not music well, what if it has to be on a button The song ended that's never happened Here's a good question, here's a question that was all them everybody's minds.
Can you get high by inhaling pills? Yeah If you choke on them, yeah, you can get high what if you don't choke on them you swallow them Yeah, no because you don't swallow them if you're inhale Your lungs. Oh, yes, that's true. Well, then I guess you die you die and you get like DMT shit Are they implying that these are not crushed? They're still in shell. I don't think any pills go in your lungs I'm gonna say it. I don't think there's a pill dust that's long approved. Oh, oh I guess they're saying inhaling as opposed to up the nose, right? Like if you do you inhale cocaine? They're using them. Oh, yeah you do inhale cook. Well, no, you're just snorting it. Well you snort it goes in your nose membranes This is again. Like we really should do we should go to more drugs We should just be wiser and no more but I also think that the cocaine is trans I guess you would just joke Yeah, Alex is correct. Cuz if if you're saying in the lung You know if it's vernacular like if you're talking to Teen Wolf and you're like Let's inhale some drugs Teen Wolf that could mean eat them really fast and that would do it. Mmm Then you could get high that way. Yeah, you could have a bunch of mushrooms.
He has a problem Teen Wolf. Yeah. Yeah, he's cheating on his girlfriend. Yeah. Well, they're not dating Well, he doesn't know who who's good for him.
He and his team was a crazy movie I know we talked about it It's a wolf who do does He does all kinds of things that I do like surf on the top of a van and woman a sex with him because he's A wolf. Yeah, she wants his place. I have sex that she keeps going turn into the wolf And that's in the film yeah, she wants to be torn asunder by claws I mean, there's a whole subsection of erotica about that. I don't think it's that weird If well you say it's not weird, but it is weird Being torn asunder by a wolf.
I mean, I'm usually brought out here to make you more palatable to She's a apparati To get you ready for I don't know this or maybe I'm the only woman you know, either way, you know Just one you're in my top five That's right. How long before my wife gets on the podcast? Protect the wives. I I have to insist you don't do that to the people you love We had a list on a ball it out that we recorded. Let's just got on twice I think for a bonus and after we finished I was like you gotta keep talking The whole thing is you just gotta keep talking It was a very funny conversation Okay, yeah, so we're at a hospital speaking of Gender, here's a question that says two men Oh two men.
Do you take your scrotum out when you pee? This is a great question, please. Please advise man here Yeah, I do I take it all the way out You're going to the urinal you're zipping and you're taking your balls out if you have the JO pants then you know That's from later. I know that's last people know about jack-off pants as a concept Which is a pants with extra long zippers You could jack off easier during them as is viral on twitter.com slash x.com I deleted my ex account because I couldn't deal with it and I just assumed it was imploding But uh, Joe pants are as old as time folks. Oh, I mean, yeah, you know as a woman of New York Experience I've seen many people jack off through their sweatpants when I'm trying to go home Have they had a zipper that lets them zip all the way open their crotch. There's gotta be a better way This is not just say you're sticking their hands and we can't Can't do it because we talked about this a lot You were just making an observation about a cult oh my god Unfortunately, we are worried that it could be a Nathan fielder bit and we will get fooled Yeah We read the entire website, do you take your scrotum out when you PY or why not just give us a thumbs up or a thumbs down No scrotum remains in the questions we've read today really made me question.
What is the scrotum? Your precious your precious babies it is my precious you want to protect them from public scrutiny, right? It's not that not is I'm not the scrotum. I thought it was in between No, the scrotum is the the house that your balls live in. Oh my god Do you know in between what I don't know in between a rock and a hard place Alex do you not know we're talking about a hard place the penis the rock big two balls That's right two rocks and it's between those it's not between I Say it's more of a harp. Sometimes I think about sometimes it's more like a camping Situation. Oh shit.
We have an email the cracked losses to do another year Okay, I Hope our commenters are happy the people who I hate us. I hope that they're like finally finally Returned as someone who's generally hated on the internet. Yeah, they do get pretty psyched when you go away. Let's go I'm anything to read a nice comment.
All right, so Anyway, do people take these out or what got keep that in? Dava hard writ says if I'm using just if I'm just using the fly then no because it's it'd be Crowded and uncomfortable like three dogs trying to stick their heads out of a window car Thank you for that inventory I dig it balls is three dogs. They're barking But if I button and or pull my pants down in private, of course sure I'll let the boys out for some air feels good. This is giving me sink piers Yeah, that shit's weird don't do that it's giving three dogs Yeah, that's what I say. I'm looking at my Sarah's out Kind of a joke from classical history Yes Well, Sarah is our famous historical figure the dog with three heads.
It's Cerberus. Is that what it is? You're just Sarah know nothing of Hades or his beasts Cerberus season three Quora goes back to school I really don't quarry doors. That's the Dean Miguel says who's a pretty cool don't show up to curators next season Miguel says usually I do pull both the penis and scrotum out over the top of my underwear if I'm wearing underwear I'm still laughing at Alex doing a school shooter. No, I agree.
I wanted to get all of it in there at the same time Yeah, it's good when you could buy it's like flavors. Yeah It's like a palette. It's like a palette Jeremy a pair.
We're getting better at the podcast every week This is a tight ship We're so good at podcasting. It's like Muppet Treasure. Yeah, me too. I'm really contributing. Thank you Thanks, Katie.
Do you pull your scrotum out when you be definitely you gotta let those boys breathe Yeah, I keep the balls in I just take out the skin oh You're like you're like Scrooge asking if it's what day it is I'm kind of like I don't hear what you said, but I'm kind of like Scrooge asking what day Yeah, that's crazy, that's just what I said, oh cool mind meld third episode of the day I let my this grow to behold the fetus for aiming and then and I can then pee and check my phone You know the human condition is so beautiful there's so many different perspectives and way to live 2024 is gonna be our year Subscribe sponsored by jack-off pants hit the bell bell, but not this bell hit go to Scrambled eggs at checkout for free jack-off. We say like and subscribe we There's only so many jokes that can be said Do we have another medical I didn't get the dossier Okay, I laminated our dossier You didn't even read I didn't fucking read it all right. You're such a name. It's a new year God Still the same you Shout out to our song Who owns old Lang sign I don't know it probably is public domain, but depending I love bardo does Don't say his name Like inviting a vampire I Was a goth teenager once I know how this works I don't need any in a mirror And what is the camera if not a mirror and what are we if not holding a mirror up to society? Year can't we share songs?
Here's a question that won't get us in any trouble is autism a demon or Satan manifesting in people yes I just watched a horror movie about this did you? Yeah, oh is it talk to me. No if I had my phone in front of me I could tell you but unfortunately I simply cannot I can remember it was in Spanish. Oh Yeah, I Watch talk to me, which is like the Gen Z. Horror movie. Yeah, which is like look at this case is based Would not be based Really crane the ghost is choogie Oh Tick tock the ghost you can tell it's here. It's getting read talk. You're losing the accent Australia Oh, no indeed Every god Is autism a demon or Satan manifesting, okay, let's think it through so what are the traits of autism they're very vague Not unlike the trickery of the devil.
No just Having special interest I guess yeah, no one over me much Why you gotta know so much about numbers? Are you the devil kind of infernal contact? He's got that devil numbers in him Yeah, that's the movie 23 about except about how knowing too many numbers makes you the devil I'm gonna go ahead and say no I'm gonna say no to Clip Alex on that I'm all in on yes through the wolves on tick-tock. I'm not afraid of the wolves.
I'm protected by the Lord Would tear you apart for that one. They'd be very upset. We'll see. We'll see about 2024 is new me I'm blessed by the Holy Light. I Cannot be tainted by autistic demons. I won the tracks of spiritual healing from death under Alex right now I Know people are mad about this. Yeah, I mean it's pretty fucked Robert. We recording this one I'm too sweaty to start over we got Why did they build such a fart box for you to podcast in there's not a single vent in here well bit soundproof relatively not really People Can hear us yelling they can they're working on their lists and they can hear us yelling are they checking them twice?
No, because it's not Christmas. It's New Year's 2024 cracks still a website.
Did you know? They upload this video Katie, that's their problem, let's move on to colossus too much trouble By the way, it is the same noise as the religion segment That's just something you have to accept that's pretty much the same concept. Okay. This one has no answers on it I think we're gonna have a lot to say.
Okay, what would Nietzsche think of Louis CK? Let his super ego take over and imagine didn't you have any fucking daughters So annoying my fucking love them It's fucking my fucking daughters, I'm fucking jacking off sure. Yeah a huge mustache Hey, look at me See how it is we could name Oh, wait, I didn't need just famously an incel and is he yeah you live in the woods He got big mustache got a big mustache invented existential the sperm makes him mad Makes him mad I'd assume he wouldn't like Louis CK. Yeah, because Because of the he's too boisterous Well, but that's an ubermensch quality, isn't it to be such a I'm so Eliquitore greatly unqualified to do Is Jeremy is the youngest person He only knows about ninja. I don't even know what it is to be chewed up if they're not Once you're out of you know college this is Just gone what would meet you think of dream? Maybe the question cream Tuber whatever the Minecraft YouTube maybe that'd be easy did in Minecraft. I think he you can cheat in Minecraft He did I am over 30 I'm gonna embarrass myself by getting it the wrong guy, but someone cheated in Minecraft in a speedrun by using a Extremely lucky Seed. Oh, you can't use that see it's too lucky Nietzsche was against this or he said that the powerful would use such a seed To yield only more power unto themselves as is their right as master I'm realizing by the minute how little I actually know about Nietzsche and I'm I It's fine.
I saved this one for the Katie episode. I said, let's get her ass on nature Let's get her on cam The same team and now you're constantly trying to trick everyone into finding out that I don't know how to read I'm setting her up for clips Clip you doing a bad job. This woman knows not of nature No, I'm stuck in the old coal oven As it's the past Oh Yeah, I guess so he's got a good goatee Yeah, there's a mustache in it.
Yeah, isn't it accounts? It counts. We got to move on Okay, let anybody think about it anymore. Everything counts in small amounts like it subscribe It's the difference home of facts hit the bell Okay This is the Quokker You know where that one I guess a button This is our in cell and mana sphere segment. Perfect segue. Mmm.
I feel like a powerful warrior already Yeah, so it is fun to learn about nature all the sudden when he reminds you of your favorite konoha ninjas Yeah So yeah, this is a question for Alex. I did 10 reps of knuckle push-ups in a row Am I stronger than the average American and will I do good things like karate? So they do good in things like karate Oh do good in things because I was gonna say first we have to define what good is I think we also need to define what is the average American strength? Sure in terms of knuckle push-ups because our strongest warrior is not Our oh, you know, that's the top of the pyramid. They want a medium. Yeah, cuz they probably do so many It's like but yeah And if you're judging on a curve, which we are here like how many knuckle push-ups can Louis ck do probably not very much No, I mean knuckle push-ups can meet you do probably a thousand in a row Yeah, the stronger the mind the stronger the knuckle push-up is what I've been told He's trained his his mind to overcome the limits of his body Yeah, I mean how many push-ups how many knuckle push-ups can we do at this table You want us to start doing push-ups? No, that wouldn't be on cam So I'm just kind of asking if you had to you two can do push-ups, but I will Push-ups right now.
I Would like to observe that it's 2024 and you can do it's new year new you as you've announced Several times Rob's here. We can move the camera. I don't want to do a second shot for the pause It's not a second shower. It's one camera.
Well, I'm gonna have to get off the bike I'm hearing a lot of excuses and I'm starting to think that this guy who did ten knuckle push-ups could kick your ass You probably do at least nine Eleven maybe is no it would require zero edit. It's ground looks so hard to I'm looking at it I'm like thinking about like you're gonna make me the rug is fine. There's no rug in the other room I Break my knuckle house out you'll go on the rug and do it and then Rob will just point the camera down This is gonna be a design. Do you want me to do it? I think We have to Rob is this doable Cast I'm so glad I came out this audio medium where Alice is doing push-ups I Said 10 you got to go for 11 to respect America He's taking off his Necklace that he's swinging it.
Okay. He's handing it to me. That's a powerful Talisman, I know I can't believe he wears it all the time. All right, wait one Two he's so strong three four five six seven eight Nine two more and one more one more get 11. So you're better than this man Podcasting is once again. Great.
Alex has brought it back Back in America's or please the strongest people of the Western world need your money Long hair he do care. Oh, it's a big deal cuz Alex used to have a really severe tennis injury, really? He's overcome people the tennis is a hero's journey It really hurts your fingers to do them is that they don't tell you cuz the ground so hard tennis though I did at the time he jacking off Don't say that on our show people are gonna think I've ever jacked off and god bless us Everyone again, this is an original song I Guile a party is the entire episodes gonna be muted.
It's gonna be so God this isn't gonna make it on this channel We should read the comments I guess Yeah, so they probably think he's pretty strong, right? Well, I'm even stronger than he is one that says if you did ten, maybe even eleven you'd be a weak little Loser it does not say that you'd be a wimp. It does. Yeah, especially if you had to take off your heavy towels Yeah, it says the larger your talisman the weaker you are as a human man It says unable to defend the Western world even a little bit if you're listening to this show You must think that like Jeremy's clearly lying here really makes suspect all of the quorum. I'm looking at it, too It says that and I've never lied to you my entire life. I do trust Stamp of quality Haven't caused you guys to get fired No one I'm poor does we haven't been we haven't because we chose to leave with our heads held high It's the doing it on your knuckles that hurts Oh, it's so they don't tell you that's why it hurts Well, I have like callous tree punching knuckles, I guess I wouldn't be yeah you gotta Start taking it to the streets like get ready to Ricky. Oh some people Randy. Jack says, I don't know but keep it up Thanks, Randy. Don't worry about others positive community, honestly Like the strong guys typing meme is a real I'd love that one fact of life Not to be like the guy who's like I love that meme, but it's a good meme Quality structure I don't know her Wonder wonderful Wow next question so good to be back here with my boys at curators Oh Rob come with us not for free It's the thing, okay, let's do core romance, okay Nobody look at me You took my notes about the Austin Powers them Yeah, it's copyrighted.
Oh Just like how Alex didn't know jump by Van Halen That was an original called the rockin theme Anyway, this is our love segment That's beautiful, how do I know if I've had astral sex with someone oh Now we wanted to wait till Katie was here for this. Yeah as a as a Avid astral projector my sir. Yeah, here's the thing if you type this into Quora looking for this question There are many people asking the same thing and there's no way to know in the mind no way to know That doesn't quite make sense so right like I assume you have to at least remember it I if I'm to understand this correctly the concept of astral projection is like you're asleep But then you come out of your body and your spirit self goes somewhere So like I think y'all are just cream in your bedsheets in your sleep Don't you know you're doing it There's like any of the post be read with an incubus too. It's like nasty sex thing that you can't even describe What you know about? Astral projection is laughable and you are clearly a foolish hooman Who knows nothing? Is a doggo in this answer I'm just saying why It's obvious reality, I mean why is why isn't individual like Nietzsche or Louis ck I just don't see why you put on the effort to astral project when there's so many ghosts in your house waiting to bang You at any minute.
That's true. Yeah, make you pregnant. That's happened Um, if you leave baby if you leave the house and you need to get and get some strange As in who hasn't been there, I mean it's 24 people Well, I guess okay, so they're asking how do you know, how do you know, okay So probably just check to see if you uh, if you creamed I don't know I feel like you would remember it. You just like if you wake up and you have like weird Tussled hair sure.
You gotta stop using the word. Remember, you're not gonna remember I think it's outside of the brain.
Have you ever had like a lucid dream? Yeah, every night So now another woman's yoga pants if you have a lucid dream where you have sex with someone Call them up and be like, did you fuck me in your dream people love It's a great icebreaker This is my advice to all quarrens out there. Yeah, you're on the coffee line Just look at your breeze and go did I fuck you in my sleep last night.
They love it Yeah, this is actually how I met Louis CK my daughter fuck Alex in her dream my fucking daughter I am das uber men Isn't that what he sounds like yeah, oh my goodness, but anyway quality End today Alex that reminds me of your character old German. Well, that's a bonus character. She doesn't go out here This is my grandma my old German grandma. Yeah, subscribe to our patreon. If you want to hear a lot of old German grandma It's kind of like a fact from our lives back there. Yeah It's like Sebastian meniscalco style comedy back there.
Absolutely a pro Jeff Cutler says if you have you should be able to explain exactly what happened. I have three times I'm wondering if I should share what happened is I'm saying Share it Jeff Astral Project you know what you're doing. You gotta like prepare for it at the study the Astral I just I imagine people into astral projection being like woo-woo Sedona people But Jeff Cutler seems like just like a Christian spiritualist Yeah, I own my own masonry shop and I've had astro sex three times.
He quit Quora Some sadness. I think my time on Quora has come to an end Your questions are dominant and now no longer a breach of policy Actual question answers are hard to find. How is this website?
Existed this law.
It's our fault that he left. I'm moving to the astral realm Did he leave before after we started the podcast Jeremy?
You must read his answer about having sex in the astral realm didn't answer it though. He said he's not sure if he'll say Oh, that's how it ends. I thought for sure that was the beginning of a lurid tale I'm wondering if I should share what happened because this question suggests to me You did not have such an experience and as you have asked this question and asked me anonymously I have decided I won't give any detail suffice to say it was one of the most phenomenal Energy exchanges and an orgasmic level I have ever experienced Like Sailor Moon villains except sexual because they're all about stealing energy. I Want to know more hi, what's up? I Wish he hadn't left the website Here's someone the high was up says I don't think it's sex because it's usually not Consensual the only time I consented to astral sex was when I did it with a white guy. I met online This is fucked up this is why I don't I Know sometimes people are like you guys shouldn't dunk on people on core calm. I'm like you simply must It has to be done and I'm sorry to hi was up for their experience being Unconsensual you have to be careful with who you have astral plane sex with by the way.
Mmm. Where's soul protection? That's why I have this Me on my podcast had more push-ups, I'm not doing more You're lucky. I did some push. I think it should be a regular thing. Yeah, I don't think that I don't think Man, I think you'll do the push-ups and then I'll just sit here and then Jeremy does Format that's good content. Yeah Yeah, it is a lot what am I in jail somehow you're in a prison of your mind I Want to know how this lady is having so much astral sex.
Ah, Jeremy says if you had it you would know now I'm sound cloud, okay Sound he's on the sound realm. I want to listen to his sound cloud. Oh, he's the host of what music needs.
Oh It's it's so embarrassing when you meet like a crazy guy on Quora or some website and they have a podcast and it's bigger than yours. Yes, like, all right I hate the many times this has happened to us. It has though, right? That guy in tick-tock did but he we didn't find him on Quora. No, you're right There's a few people who we made fun of then we found out they're very popular Oh, they're big-money ghettos. Yeah, and we're actually broke bitches. Yeah, that's hard for us They're still on I gotta do more push-ups until I'm rich. This sounds so goofy.
Yeah, what's his name? John, Jeremy? That's a great name. No one's not good Alan sound cloud I've got a great question for us. Thank you.
Let me click it My husband didn't like the dish I cooked and he threw the plate against the wall He then made me clean it up and kept insulting me. Is this normal behavior? It's certainly not now I need to get the husband sighs Wait, wait, wait, she didn't make a shit dinner.
So right and they're British. This is an IO you are behavior Oh behavior behavior behavior Like how I made the kippers It's a British dish. It probably was pretty Looking at the meatball factory soon up to Sunday. Oh, come on. There's some fresh meatballs This is Alex's character work husband Ork I thought you said meat was on the menu again British orks love when meat is on the menu because I think it turned into a pie.
Yes folks But yeah, she I'm gonna assume she's at fault until I hear some more details cuz otherwise worse is coming from we're two husbands We're two husbands. Oh, yeah, I forgot this is a pro husband Where the ring pick up the blade where the rag where the ring Over here, I'm not being it away from Jeremy. We got a lot of negative feedback on the sword lesson. That's not true No one said only from Alex who got hit by the sword we don't like that Anyway, yeah You ain't coming.
Yeah, too good for too long Mostly I'm just thinking about how I'm hungry and I'm like what a waste of dinner You threw my Throwing food in any situation I've been Idians all the time. Eventually, they're gonna throw some food and it's like well, you should eat What if he's a really big fan of rom-coms and he thought they were having a playful sexy food fight, right? The lobster was running away. Yeah, that's from all we gotta cook it That's what they have lovers say Yeah Well, nothing more to say about this one No, all the comments are just people telling stories and yeah, this seems like a life dump type of post Oh, this is our final question unless we want to dig up some more What time are we at 54?
Oh, okay. We'll see.
Do you agree with wife sharing? I do share your wife with me The podcast this has been corridors. You can find Katie on the internet. I'm here to take all your wives away from my wife I've been working the long game. I keep being like, I'll watch your show Alyssa She is my jewel. See this is why you've taken the wife's side in that Quora because you're like I won't destroy all Excuse me. My name is mrs. Steal your girl or doctors steal your Mrs. Atheism on the side Go to steal your girl your girl University for nothing Steal girl University beat the other team at sports Yeah, there's so much better than the school of hard knocks, yeah Rubbed off on me and I can't formulate a The delirium. Oh, yeah third podcast of the day for all sorts of people Jeremy you sharing your wife or not No, thank you. Oh, thank you. That's all for Jerry way I thought the whole point of monogamy is that you don't have to share. Yeah, it's monogamy not monogamous Yeah, that's right That's been season to Share your wife Kyle canane is coming back every week on the corridors channel.
He'll be in Alex's apartment. That's right He'll come down. He'll be a voice of Comedy Central live in my house The cat will be there.
Well, that'd be fun. I'll probably be back when someone cancels Today that's true. Wow, we booked you in advance Hot commodity Katie, would you like to plug any of your wonderful podcasts on the way out here? I have a very messy poorly SEO show called Leon Leon's the professional wrestling podcast, which you can find somewhere I have no social media.
Good luck finding me Any comments on this shit wife sharing question. Oh, no, no read them, please. I don't know David Jones We also did not ask a quora We're gonna ask one.
Okay.
We're read the question first. Oh my god. Are you two getting divorced? Jeremy's trying to steal my wife stressed out Interest to be shared myself But the thought of my wife sharing sex with many that turns me on big-time that's called hot-wifing Yes, please please take my wife take my wife please This is a typed with one hand type of post The horniest take my wife's joke ever. This is very calm Let me watch you take her take my wife please Ravager that's horny Henny that character horny Henny, that's cool Which one should we write I don't know what's a question it's a New Year's well all Well, how the words go will all Something be forgot Why isn't it new laying sign? Let's do it. I think that's I think that's just a Latin Yeah, yeah, but type it in see what it's old. No say why isn't it new? Laying sign. This is going to be our is it like that? Yeah It's gonna be our first question back in season three. This is a good one. All right, people are gonna love this question They're gonna love answering it.
We've been the corridors If you've missed all of the plugs We've done relentlessly the entire show go to our YouTube channel at corridors and join there Hey episodes every week. We have patreon episodes every Thursday where we go on other websites My Kickstarter is over cuz it's 20 24. Was it fun did we don't know we don't I hope so I paid This is two weeks early Thanks, or I'm very disappointed You Won't do it if it doesn't fund that's right, but we'll see you over at season three Season three corridors.
Goodbye. Bye |
dropout | prince_harry_as_a_disney_prince | Prince, if I don't leave right now... Ah, don't be such an old bitty. We're playing strip chess. You got a go.
Oh, fuck that pumpkin for five pounds. Snow, babe, I didn't know you were friends with a shit ton of midgets. Check this out. Look, this one's a retard.
Hey, I've always wondered, have they got normal sized weddings? So, let me give it a straight.
You're a super hot babe and you can't talk? Well, that's a freaking dream, man.
Oh, stupid cabbies.
Epic crunch. You hear that crunch? Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the...
Okay. That's all you wishes. Take care now. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go. Oh, come on, stay!
I've got a bloody monkey! Look at this stupid little bastard!
Shit's like 24-70s, but I love him. Mulan, you saved my life. But, yeah, I'm not an Asian chick, and it blondes around. You do know we're in China.
Fuck it, I'll make do. Quick question. Does it look like a fortune cookie down there? Gaston, don't hurt him! Wait up!
Before you stab me, I just want to say, you got sick lats. Oh, thanks, man. I blast them like four times a week. P90X, you look good. You're cut too, bro. Sweet packs.
What is going on here? Hey, teapot bitch! Get me and my man Gaston here some decaf joy! We are parched!
My sweet darling princess lies asleep, a bewitching curse upon her.
But no more. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | why_it_s_impossible_to_talk_about_tv_anymore | And are you guys watching Orphan Black? No, but I heard it's so good. I'm still working my way through House of Cards Season 3. Don't say anything, I haven't seen Season 2 yet. I might watch it too, so don't say anything about Season 1. Orange is the new black? I saw the pilot. I binge watched the entire show, so I don't remember the pilot. I don't have Netflix, I only have HBO Go.
The jinx was crazy. Right? I heard that.
I have to check it out. I watched three episodes. Should I keep watching? No, I don't have HBO. Walking Dead. Yes. Too bad I never saw it.
I've seen Talking Dead. I guess I could talk about Talking Dead. I might watch it, so please don't talk about Talking Dead.
Betacool Soul. Oh my god, I love Saw. On Breaking Bad, I haven't seen the new show. But Breaking Bad had one hell of a finale. Oh my god, that payoff? Well, I wouldn't know, I've only seen the finale.
I've got to get through all these Swedish crime dramas I'm binging, and then I'll get to Breaking Bad. Which Swedish crime dramas?
The Bridge? The Killing. Oh, The Fall. That's Irish. So you've seen it?
No. Me neither. Lost? Yes. I just finished the last episode of Season 1. What? Me too.
Oh, it's such a show. What's a match? I have no idea, but I'm sure that's going to pay off. Ah, guys, this is what I love about TV. You know, it just brings us to the end.
Hey, I'm Mer from College Humor. If you liked that video, click here to subscribe and click here to see more sketches. Yeah, they're sketches, not skits. And I'm a pretentious dickhead. |
dropout | Disgruntled_Sewer_Men_Demand_to_Meet_Ninja_Turtles_No_Laugh_Newsroom_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California. The only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Danny number three. And I'm original Danny. If you find Danny number two, kill him on sight.
Tonight's top story, teeth. Are they canceled? A depressing study from Yale reveals the overwhelming majority of teeth are white but many are committed to change that. I, for example, have permanently browned my teeth by kissing a ton of fucking bugs. You know what I say about my teeth, Danny? They're stuck forever in my head.
Just like that song I wrote about the cyclops. I do not know this song. Sing it now?
Oh, the big cyclops is discontent because his favorite Mexican restaurant is closed for an event. I've only written the last line. That's okay. I've only written the last scene of my screenplay.
And what happens in it? A fat astronaut has sex with a train.
And now we go to Danny number eight with the weather. Danny? Danny eight here. Thoughts going out to Danny's four through seven. We're all praying the missing Danny's will soon be found dead in a jeep or perhaps eaten by that cyclops from your song. He only eats Mexican food, dumbass. Tonight's weather is going to be those wet drops from heaven. What are they? Are they from God's sprinkler or maybe a goofy angel squeezed a water balloon too tight and it burst apart like a banana does when Donkey Kong gets mad and squeezes it because you told him about 9-11. You know, if an angel got my floor all wet, I think I'd say, hey, I'm walking here. Back to you, Tom. We're all Danny's, Danny. Hey, I need to get something off my chest. You know that cyclops from my song?
Well, he wears one of those joke hats with a long fake ponytail coming out of the back. I just didn't want you to think he was scary because he's actually really funny when he's not drinking.
Thank you for sharing. Yes. Or as we like to say, Houston, we have a train full of cum.
Please don't test lines. Please don't test lines out from your screenplay.
Hold on. There seems to be breaking news downtown at the March of the Sewer Men. We go live to Danny number five. Hey, Danny five here and I'm alive, barely and against my will. We are live at the sewer. Sewer men are rising up literally from the sewers and protesting. And what rights are they demanding in this march? They want to meet the Ninja Turtles, but only the cartoon ones.
Now, Danny six, I see that Danny five. I'm Danny five. Danny six is fucking dead.
Don't you ever confuse me with that rat face coin thief ever again. Sorry to interrupt, but Danny Cinco, you should get off that street for the wet drops are coming. They are coming for us all. No matter how sinless you live or how deep you hide your darkness, wet drops will splash on your dang head. Danny five, the sewer men are in Independence Park. Many other groups have fought for rights on those lovely grounds. Name them for us now. Oh, here I go. Crazy horny bird watchers, the sit up challengers of Donny Osmond, time travelers who want to go into the future and just thank people and leave. Underwhelming Beetlejuice cosplayers, best buy managers going through a breakup, crazy horny satanic doll makers. And of course this is, this is, this is home to the great spanking confusion of 3048. Thanks Danny five. The street sounds crazier than a fuck train in space.
Stop testing lines out for your goddamn screenplay. That's it for us, but before we go, this week's loser is Patrick, a total dingus. |
TheOnion | Lake_Dredge_Appraisal_Chicken_Wire_Muddy_Pot | Welcome to another episode of Lake Dredge Appraisal. I'm ACCAA licensed appraiser, David Parker. And today we'll be seeing more objects that were dredged from the lake. In this episode, we'll see what's coming up from under East Bay.
All right, now, Captain Hyer, why don't you tell us a little about how you dredged this piece here. Well, I was dredging Hughes Point and I heard this big clunk. And this was on your barge. Yeah. And the clunk was something hitting the housing of my sediment pump.
And... All right. Now, what you have here is a collection of chicken wire and lake debris. You see how there's this loose wire here? Okay, I see it. Well, that is what gave it away. That is clearly chicken wire. Okay, I figure.
Now, chicken wire is worth about 40 cents per square yard. But this is very tangled and that depresses its value. I'd appraise the chicken wire at about 15 cents. Oh, okay. And this debris and trash is worth 3 cents, so my total appraisal is 18 cents.
It's a pot. That's right, Virgil. This is a cooking pot. You can see there's a little bit of the original pot showing here through the dredged sediment and benthic matter. Yes, I see that. So we can determine that this pot is made of tin.
And you can see here there is some damage to the piece. Well, it might have gotten mangled in the suction hose.
That's not going to affect the value a whole lot. Now, the raw tin in this pot is worth about 45 cents. Oh, wow. But you would need to get all this plastic off of here first, which would cost you more than that, so you would lose money on the deal. Oh, well, then I might just hang on to it. That's fine.
Although, I would stress that you should not prepare food with this pot. Why not?
Well, it has been at the bottom of a lake for as long as seven decades, so there's going to be a lot of built-up bacteria and just slime. Well, I would wash it. I understand, Virgil, but that bottom layer of grime is pretty well set in, and even, even... I'm going to scrub it with a Brillo.
Okay. That's fine.
Just, again, you should not prepare food with that pot. It could make you very ill.
I think it's a good time to start it. Like the old-fashioned truth or dare. Card says, do something wild.
Oh, no. Oh, jeez. |
SaturdayNightLive | billy_crystal_monologue_the_class_comedian_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Cristo! not that good, thank you very much. Oh, this purim excitement is just too much. I mean, my nipples are hard. this is unbelievable what's happening in this town. Whoo, thank you very much. this is very exciting, not only to do the show, which I love, but it's St. Patrick's Day in New York. there's a lot of people eating and drinking. matter of fact, the biggest selling button today was wipe my lip, I'm Irish. So if you're gonna drink and eat, just order your food and throw it on the floor, because it ends up there, you know? this is save yourself a lot of time. I am so thrilled to be doing this show. I grew up in New York, this is my favorite place in the world. And you purim revelers, I mean, But I grew up here, when I come back, I meet people who I was involved with in high school, you know, and they always ask the same question.
You know, you were amazing in high school, right? you're unbelievable, you were a class clown that was unbelievable, you are amazing to me. you are the greatest class clown in the kingdom of class clowns. this was the principle of my school. the thing was, I was not the class clown. I wasn't, I was the class comedian. I was always doing this, and there's a big difference. the class clown in my school was the guy, last football game, freezing cold weather. But suddenly, the class clown's on the field, he's completely naked. it comes with a kit, and he's running on the field, He takes the ball in the middle of the game. people go, what's going on, right? he runs, he's totally naked, they call the cops, throw him in the car, he moons the crowd, he takes the ball and he's gone. That is a great class clown. I was the class comedian.
I was the guy who talked him into doing it. I was a bad guy, because I'm good so far. it's because, see, because in high school, you're feeling weird about yourself, you're going through your changes, and you don't know what's happening. I actually saw Puberty come in, in the shower. I was totally hairless, right? I looked like a Ken doll naked. under my arm, suddenly, here, here, here. incident. And then my voice changed. Guys, we're so awful when we're 15. you get this voice. hello, how are you? hi, how you doing? we get a little mustache, we look like half the women in Newark, okay? hello, how you doing? hello. we're goons. our high school yearbook picture's a disaster. it looks like this. it should just simply say goon. And then, you get horny. you're growing up, your body is telling you things that you don't know what it is, you're uncomfortable. I was the horniest person in the world, but everybody thinks that they are. for me, it was relentless. my glands were like yelling at me. they were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. you know what I'm saying?
I felt like a cheap motel sign. it was like, no, no, no, and always a vacancy. I was, oh, always, nothing ever worked.
I was like a geiger counter for skirts in high school. ooh, no, no, no, no, leave me, leave me, leave me, leave me, leave me, leave me alone. Never, no. And girls, who I see are laughing more than the men. I don't understand that. You see, but the girls at 15 or more are in control of themselves, right? And guys, we didn't know it. the girl's sound was, when, when? now, baby, now. we just didn't know.
I had my first date. I am so blind with passion for this first date.
I'm wandering through the neighborhood. I can't remember how to get to her house. make a left. I get to the door. I hear something that scared me to death. let me ring the bell. door is off the hinges.
Now I got to talk to the old man, because the girl's never ready. she's 15. she's got her own problems. I'll put the shoes here and a tennis ball there, Yeah. Now I got to talk to the old man. Hello, Billy. how you doing? Ellen's told me a lot about you.
Yeah, would you like an ice cold drink while you wait? Oh, that would be great. I got it. where's the girl? that would be fine.
When? don't talk to me like that. leave me alone. I own you. Well, Billy, why don't you sit down? I can't.
I'll just poke around the magazines for a while, Okay? When, when? Now, baby, now, now, now, now.
And then from out of nowhere comes the family dog. How do they know these dogs? they got such timing. they're in heat, so are you. And just because you're there, they think you're a gift, isn't it? for me, boom, he's all over your leg and going crazy. This is really great. the dogs, whoa, they love that. And from out of nowhere, I heard something that scared me to death. forget the girl, I want the dog. |
dropout | boyz_ii_men_ringtones | What's happening, this is Nathan, this is Sean, and this is Wonyea, and we're fish! No, really, we're boys to men.
And here are some ring tones for your cellular device of your choice. Ring, ring, ring, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Now here's one for when you need to be a little more discreet. Buzz, buzz, buzz, this phone's on vibrate. Apparently this next one is a big hit with the kids. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Don't make many calls, it's all gravy baby, we got you covered. Words! You just got sent some words. Picture message, maybe it'll be boobs dead. Don't open it in public. And finally, here's a few tones for those special someone's in your electronic phone book.
It's your mama. You should pick up. She pushed you out her lady parts. Pushed you out her lady parts mama.
Hey, it's your weed guy. Unless parents or cops are around. And it's definitely not your weed guy. But yeah, it's your weed guy. Yeah, it's your weed guy.
Let it go. Let it go to voicemail. Seriously. Let it go to voicemail. Finally, here's the list of names so you can personalize your voicemail with that B2M touch. Yes, voice to men. It's the same thing, they know what it is.
Hey Aaron, pick up your phone. Hey Abbott, pick up your phone. Hey Abdul, pick up your phone. Hey Abe, pick up your phone. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Missed_Point_A_Match_Made_In_Heaven_A_New_Monopoly_Edition_More_February_17 | Hello and welcome to the weekly Battuta News Bulletin, it is that time of the week, it's the end of the week and you will notice my nasally townie voice instead of Clancy overall opening at the top of the show. He is off down to Sydney for a work trip. That's not what I heard, I heard he had consumption. Consumption? Consumption.
I thought it was popcorn lung. Well he was yeah, well he has been. What is popcorn lung? It's from vapes. Well he has been vaping a lot in the office. Like plenty of people really.
Yeah look I'm not one to vape, I don't think they're very, I don't think they appeal to me very much. You like the analogues? The old school stuff? Look mate call me old fashioned but I just enjoy a bit of air. Well the experiential value of a vape is just not there I don't think, it's not quite the same.
I think smoking, it feels bad, it tastes bad and that's what I want from smoking. I want it to feel unhealthy. It's like taking medicine, it tastes so bad that it must be good for you.
I want it to make my skin look like an old basketball that's been stuck on the garage roof for 16 years. That's what you're looking for. And you're not getting that from a little lychee. I'm not getting that where that was made in some bathtub in mainland China and put on a shipping container and brought here. And then sold by a 16 year old out the front of your local McDonalds. Exactly. Anyway Clancy, he's not here, we're not quite sure where he is by the sounds of things but my name is Wendell Hussey, that's the voice of Errol Parker there.
Say hello to everyone. Hello everyone. And Ephemia Bateman. Hello.
So that's what's happening and we'll get into the weekly news rate. We'll start off with a national story.
And the Commonwealth Bank have confirmed that their record $5.1 billion profit is a necessary part of curbing inflation. Yes, the Commonwealth Bank of Australia has this week confirmed that everything is working the way it should be. After months and months of rate increases added to an already ballooning cost of living crisis, the good people at CommBank have revealed that them making record profits is a crucial part of getting the economy back in check. Yes, it's all part of avoiding a full blown recession and if you don't understand basic economics, because you're a dumbass, inflation goes up, interest rates go up, money goes out of the economy, aka consumers hands, money goes into the bank's hands and then the economy levels out.
Simple. Plain and simple. Makes sense. And it does make sense to feel a blow as well.
Yeah, well, he went to MIT, which unless you have been living under a rock is the university from Good Will Hunting and our Reserve Bank Governor, he's from Turvey Park down there in Wagga Wagga. So I guess you could call him our own Good Will Hunting. He is Will Hunting. Good Phil Hunting.
Esteemed institution, MIT, you think someone who's went to such an esteemed institution would know how to fix the economy and get on top of it? Well, he has a lot of levers that he can pull to get our economy back on track and raising interest rates is just one of them. So we'll see what other tricks he has. And one he likes pulling another few months ago. Yes, and another one here from Clancy Erverill's podcast feed.
Yeah, the headline on it reads like this, Andrew Tate worshipping teenager meets his match against drunk uncle who grew up on Christopher Hitchens. Yes, an easily impressionable yet staunchy self-assured white boy has today learned that there's always a bigger fish in the pond because after causing months of panic and concern for his parents, Battuta Grove teenager Jack Ogilby has officially graduated from edgelord to full-blown TikTok philosopher. And that's something which his parents have decided to get on top of. With a young man spouting the philosophy of online cue ball named Andrew Tate around the clock, the parents of Jack called in on the big guns, Jack's heavy-drinking boat builder Uncle Richie, who's never shied away from confrontation. As a man raised on the philosophy of a much more learned British-American cultural commentator named Christopher Hitchens, Richie seems to be the only man willing to go toe-to-toe with his brainwashed nephew. And if you don't remember him, Hitchens is remembered as one of those great philosophical contrarians from a time before social media algorithms dictated who is and isn't speaking the truth. As Richie told his nephew, and I quote him here, What's all this Christian society shit, mate?
Do you know how hard your aunts and I work to make sure your kids didn't have to go to mass every Sunday with Gran? It's fucking boring, especially when you're hungover. Grow the fuck up, mate. He then said, You know your mum still washes your sheets right, like you get driven to school. By your mum. She does that before she goes to work. Every morning. I just think you need to settle down, mate, punch a few bongs and watch some young Bill Hicks, mate. Wise words from Richie, obviously uncles are the most capable of causing the impression on a young mind, a young teenage one.
Moving along to some more national news now, and there's a new rule in Monopoly Australia which allows players born between 1946 and 1964 to start with houses on the board. Would you make of this, Harold? Not good news if you are a Monopoly player under the age of 50, as builders of the game came out to confirm the baby boomers start with houses on the board, and rules are rules. Yeah, it's all part of a push to ensure that the game is as realistic as possible with younger players now allowed to rent houses until they eventually give up and the game is over. It's obviously garnered a lot of criticism online, but people are always banging on about making games realistic, and I think you've got to give it to the creators on this one. Yeah, there was a comment here from a young man named MitchBerk87. He said, the boomers have to pay 18% interest during one lap around the board, but complain about it for the rest of the game, despite winning. Grow up Mitch, get a better job.
And now wrapping the week up with some relationship news, and an Irish labourer proudly endures public transport with Valentine's rose for his Brazilian boothang. Yes, this was a lovely story about a 22 year old Irish labourer Cormac Kelly from County Carlo, who is currently in the midst of a hot boy Australian summer, digging holes and filling skip bins by day and partying at the backpackers by night. Cormac says he's living the dream, especially now that he's going steady with one of the Brazilian traffic controllers also living it up out here in the Channel Country. Yes, it's a marriage of the two major cultures on one of the construction sites down there in Batuta Heights, and things are going so well that Cormac has decided to traffic a single rose all the way along the train to give his boothang back at her place. Those were the direct words Clancy over a golf from Cormac himself. It's not my common parlance, but obviously there were a few heckles sent Cormac's way, but as he pointed out to the kind of overweight middle aged man on the train heckling him, if they were seeing who he was seeing, they'd probably pick themselves up a rose as well.
I haven't heard an Irishman say a boo-thang. I don't know where that comes from. How would they say it?
Boo-tang! No, I'm taking home this rose to my boo-tang. They'd find a way to squeeze a like in there as well. No, she's totally ground me.
I love her, man. Anyway, that's apparently what this man, young Cormac from County Carlo says. Anyway, man, it's a good night to finish this weekly podcast on. A relationship that'll last forever and ever.
Good luck to them. I wonder where they'll settle. Yeah. Goodbye. Chuck you along. See you later. |
TheOnion | Mean_Automakers_Dash_Hope_For_Flying_Cars | We're introducing a new line of hybrid cars. Now, will any of these cars fly? Well, no. But what's exciting about these cars is the increased fuel efficiencies we're getting from them. How will flying in the air affect that efficiency? Well, these cars are not going to fly, but... Excuse me. Mr. Yamashita, how far along are Japan's flying car projects? Well, we have no plan to make flying car.
However, we are very proud of... We're seeing some footage here. Mr. Carlisle, when will GM begin releasing cars like these? These are movies.
You know that, right? Yes. Is it an issue of funding? No, it's an issue of reality.
Flying cars just aren't real. Well, that's one theory. In our new 2009 Ford Focus, we have the sync feature, which will allow you to play your iPod over the car's award-winning audiophile sound system. But not during takeoff and landing, I assume. The cars will not fly. Studies have shown that flying cars are just not feasible.
The smallest software glitch could result in fatalities of an unprecedented scale. We have a problem with weather. If it were a cloudy day... Let's take a look at the screen here, gentlemen. Can you give us a ballpark date when scenes like this will be possible, if not commonplace? Mr. Yamashita.
No, we don't plan to make flying cars. I cannot stress that anymore. But surely you have ridden in flying cars in your secret lab and can describe the experience. I do not have a secret lab. Mr. Grossman, is this a chance for the United States to maybe jump ahead of the Japanese in this industry? We are not going to have flying cars. I don't even know why you're persisting with this line of questions. Please do not ask this question anymore. We have no interest in flying cars. What the color? It doesn't matter. We're not going to fly cars. Well, it seems the jury is still out on flying cars.
Next up, a study of Botox. |
cracked | 7_mind_blowing_details_you_missed_in_great_works_of_art | When he was 50 years old Picasso had a 22 year old mistress who he immortalized in the painting L'Erev It's considerably less romantic when you notice that the left half of her head is actually his penis draped over her face like a soft Roll of cookie dough in Leonardo da Vinci's most famous painting the Mona Lisa looks like she's standing in front of a nondescript background But it's actually the River Arno a river that Leonardo da Vinci and Machiavelli teamed up to steal from Pisa in one of the Greatest super villain schemes in history That's completely true In nearly every female portrait he did from 1508 until his death Raphael included a decorative pearl It wasn't a secret fetish for pearls as much as a secret message He was forced into engagement with the niece of a cardinal even though he loved another woman The woman's name was Margarita luti Margarita in 16th century. Italy was another word for pearl Renaissance painter Peter Bro Hall was famous for his realistic depictions of landscapes and peasant life so realistic in fact that he insisted on hiding at least one person in every painting with a severe bout of diarrhea like a Where's Waldo of food poisoning? Among Renaissance artists It was completely common to depict the baby Jesus surrounded by Agilators and it was just as common for those Agilators to be adulating just a little too hard To demonstrate Christ's humanity the artist frequently painted everyone ensuring he was mortal by touching his junk Because of course that's the best way to know for sure that a baby is a real human Michelangelo's David is the ideal specimen of masculinity with one glaring exception But Michelangelo wasn't just trying to sculpt the perfect man He was sculpting a scared teenage boy who was about to fight a goddamn giant a Look at David's face reveals how terrified he is and suddenly a little shrinkage seems completely warranted Speaking of Michelangelo He was commissioned to paint a mural of the last judgment on the altar wall of the Sistine Chapel the Cardinal Biaggio deicicina complained that all the nudity and Michelangelo's paintings looked more suited for a brothel Michelangelo responded by incorporating cicina into the painting naked with the ears of an ass and a snake biting his dick off Party dudes of the world over rejoice your leader We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall.
What works what doesn't so on the guys are Horrible terrible. I got a hundred messages in an hour the messages. I receive holla. I'd go pac-man on that Word for vagina. I don't like using I tear that ass up penis Final of net saw solid financial commitments from 11 new investors today nice work today monkeys We've had thousands of years to study relationships that amount of data was pound field patterns and consistencies Harmonies for old people match.com's like a more dignified Craigslist You're saying you can just tell what people have left out of their profiles anyone can if they look through all our research and raw data We have to get into abusive power territory at some point, right? This is just utilizing power more efficient You can't hack a person. I'm just getting started and when I We created the worst dating profile we could imagine someone that no one would ever date She lists tricking guys into thinking I'm pregnant as her top interest and then we take back I bet one million dollars on infinity messages So we're all clear on the rules rules are for fools turkey. This was your thing Blake you sobbing possum Peace out smoke bomb pumpkin bomb Which I made out of science give people a chance to pretend to be their best selves and maybe they'll get there What's Zeus for Zeus |
dropout | solution_for_assholes_who_hold_up_phones_at_concerts_starring_marky_ramone | I can't believe this guy! I want to watch the whole concert through his phone.
There's nothing we can do about it. Hey, now there is something you can do about it.
I'm Aki Ramon and I'm sick and tired of people holding up their smartphones at concerts. So I created the Smartphone Swatter. I make a Smartphone Swatter by gluing a punk rock seven inch to a drumstick.
Swat! Check out this nerd. Swat!
What are you doing? Where's my phone? What are you up to?
Be a punk. Make one yourself. Or just knife them. The next time you take out your Smartphone, I'm going to be right behind you with the Ramon seven inch on a stick and I'm coming for you. Let me take this call. Sheena, what's up, you crazy old punk rocker? |
TheOnion | Bad_Boy_Fencing_Star_Implicated_In_Yet_Another_Jewel_Heist | Well, it looks like fencing's bad boy Raphael Delacroix has run afoul of the law yet again. Police in Monaco have issued a warrant for Delacroix's arrest in connection with a cat burglary of a priceless diamond from the Prince Rainier Museum. Just another black mark for a man who's fast becoming a poster child for bad behavior in fencing. Will the International Fencing Federation finally do something about Delacroix or will he get off scot-free once more?
Break out your lobster bib because somebody's about to get steamed. The Steam Room, brought to you by Coke Zero. Coke Zero, the official soft drink of sweaty Q&A session. Welcome to the Steam Room where we sweat the truth out of our experts. Alongside Reggie Greengrass, I'm Tim Devan and Reggie, you ready to swallow some hot steam? The wetter the better. Then the Steam Room begins now.
Red, stealing the Monaco diamond, come on, Delacroix, sure he's got a lightning quick parry, but how can the IFF let this skullduggery go unpunished? I hear you Tim, and Delacroix's got to answer for dropping that crystal chandelier on those museum gardens. He hasn't taken responsibility for any of it yet, in fact just this afternoon he released a statement saying, me, Le Jaguar, preposterous. Perhaps if the police weren't such bumbling fools, they'd be able to catch this man and clear my good name. You buyin' that? Come on, Delacroix is clearly Le Jaguar, how many six foot one men with pencil mustaches can there be who move with the grace and power of a jungle cat? Right. For all his villainy, there's no denying he's still da Vinci with the sword.
Sure, but lately his Kool-Aid's been overshadowed a little bit by his hot doggin' off the floor. Well no question, his behavior just keeps getting worse.
Police searched his car during a routine stop, they found a priceless Rembrandt that they traced to a daring heist at the loo. Of course, Delacroix said it belonged to a friend, the League led him off with a five. What is IFF Commissioner Peter James Whistleby waiting for? What, Delacroix to kidnap a rare white tiger from the Artis Royal Zoo?
It's true, yes, he spends too much time giving out roses to young widowed socialites in the stands and not enough time deflecting his opponent's attack affair. Widows whom he widowed, no doubt.
And this week he seduced, married, and divorced Countess Stefania Isabella de Uster of Switzerland, made off with 50 million in Nazi gold and a locket that was owned by Catherine the Great. Scoundrel! He spoke to OSN's Under the Bleachers about that incident. He told me that I was his true love, that I had tamed him, and that he left with my royal coronet while I was sleeping. I still love you, Le Chacroix, I forgive you. Poor sound lady.
Reg, it's time for the final sweat. You are dehydrated and dangerously low on electrolytes, are you sure you can handle more heat? I demand it. Here it comes. Is there no one who can bring an end to this dashing nade's reign of terror? I will, Tim. No, it's too dangerous. I have no choice but to take up the boil once again and vanquish this reign. Godspeed, Reggie Greengrass, you survived the steam room. Go rehydrate. Well steamed, guys. When we come back, sports music researchers have discovered a brand new jock jam to pump up the nation. Stick around. |
cracked | 5_spider_man_storylines_too_hot_for_the_mcu_canonball | You know Spider-Man, right? He's board games. He's fishing equipment. He's a goddamn whopper.
But we're not here to talk about the fun stuff that's out on the front lines of the franchise. This is a show about the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that everyone else would rather just forget about. We're talking Aunt May's busty backstory, Peter Barker's killer spider-spunk, and who did and who didn't take his spider-ginity. This is Cannonball. Spider-Man has been through a bunch of changes in the half-century he's been around, but there's one thing we can always count on. Whenever Marvel is responsible for monetizing their friendly neighborhood meal ticket, things devolve into a bacchanalian fucking fest. They've subjected poor Spidey to all sorts of indignities, all in the name of hocking a few more comics. Indignities like...
In 2004's Spider-Man's sins passed, we find out that Norman Osborn goblin-blasted Peter Parker's ex-girlfriend. What makes it especially humiliating is that Peter Parker never even Peter-porked her. Marvel goes out of its way to let us know that Peter was a virgin until he married Mary Jane. So the Green Goblin pumpkin-bombed a pair of babies into Gwen's belly, then raised them to believe that Spider-Man was their deadbeat dad. After they grow up, they insist on meeting him, but not to reconcile. They want to kill Spider-Man.
And the girl one kind of wants to hook up with him. And he's kind of into it?
It's very telling that we got this arachnoid incest story, the same year that we got jazz-hand Spider-Man. Marvel had no idea what they were doing in the pre-Disney years. Nothing was off-limits when it came to milking their cash spider-pig. Not even showing us what Tommy Lee Jones probably looks like mid-coitus. So whether you've purchased the comic or not, we've all now paid the same terrible price. Having gazed upon this frame of the Green Goblin shooting his presumably green gob. Okay, so they made Spider-Man's nemesis take his girlfriend to Spunk City. Are there any other relationships in Peter Parker's life that Marvel can ruin?
Number four. Aunt May is secretly Peter's mother, and she abandoned him. Trouble was a 2003 attempt to lubricate their romance comic industry back into fucking shape. There was a time in the 1950s when Marvel could move a ton of units with horny soap opera storylines. So when they were strapped for cash in the 2000s, they recruited their resident unit mover. Aunt May. They produced a five-part series that featured Spider-Man exactly none times, but instead focused on a young, hot Aunt May getting knocked up and shovel-passing the kid off to her best friend.
Writer Mark Millar says they were just trying to help families communicate. In his telling, this was an opportunity to start a conversation about the extremely rare taboo practice of having sex out of wedlock. But this wasn't the prude 1950s anymore. This was the promiscuous aughts. That same year, Brittany and Madonna made out at the VMAs, and the only backlash was a stink-guy from Kelly Osbourne.
The truth is, this was all a cynical attempt to expand Marvel's reader demographics. And it all stemmed from a brainstorm meeting they held at a bar to discuss how to get tweens interested in comic books. They all blacked out and woke up to some notes about making Aunt May super pregnant and super busty. Then, ostensibly, Millar went full J. Jonah Jameson and demanded horny Lolita pics of Aunt May.
Crap. Mega crap.
Millar defended these lascivious covers by saying, It's not pornography. It's exactly what 12-year-old girls read. And we're not sure what's worse. Him claiming to know what 12-year-olds are up to, or that he's so very wrong about it.
Okay, Marvel, any more trauma you can tack on to Peter's relationship with his aunt, mother? 3. Peter Parker was molested as a child. Let's return together to that memorable moment so long ago. In a 1984 one-shot with the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse, we meet the most vile villain in the Spider-Man universe.
He's depraved. He's ruthless. He's... Steve.
Stephen Westcott, aka Skip, has no superpowers beyond manipulation and dirty magazines. Skip was just a neighborhood boy who groomed and likely molested a young Peter Parker after gaining the trust of Aunt May and Uncle Ben. One day, years later, Spider-Man saves his young neighbor from a similar fate by whisking him out of his bedroom window into the night.
Kinda like a predator. Another special issue, 1976's Spider-Man vs. the Prodigy, was something of a sex ed manual made in conjunction with Planned Parenthood. Spidey battles a baddie who's trying to convince the teens of Earth to raw dog so he can enslave their babies on his space plantation. Spider-Man flying knee strikes an end to that plan, finishing the Prodigy by shooting webs down his throat. Which is honestly the most convincing pro-dental-damn argument we've ever seen. Both issues aim to inform. They end with a page or two of helpful advice and resources. And while Marvel's intentions were good, the clunky way they went about it gave some mixed messages to the kids who need this information the most. After Spider-Man orally fixates the Prodigy's esophagus, he shares all these crazy ideas he has.
Like, masturbation won't drive you insane, and women can be doctors. He even explains that you can never tell if someone's gay, but stops short of saying it's okay to be gay in the first place.
In the case of touchy-feely Skip Westcott, a toxic wing of the fandom claims that Spidey made his story up to make the kid feel better. Marvel has had the opportunity to reference this origin story in the decades since it first printed, but they've chosen not to. They're allowing people to accuse Spider-Man of lying about his childhood trauma. C'mon, Marvel, is Peter Parker ever going to catch a break?
Number two. Gwen Stacy didn't actually die. In Mexico only. In 1973, Marvel published a two-part story called The Night Gwen Stacy Died, featuring the death of a beautiful and beloved member of Spider-Man's supporting cast. The Green Goblin. Oh, and also Gwen Stacy. But Spider-Man was selling so well in Mexico that Marvel allowed publisher LaPrensa to pen their own stories so they could publish more frequently. By the time Gwen Stacy was killed off in the US, LaPrensa had stockpiled dozens of additional adventures.
Knowing that fans would leave in droves if they'd killed off their two hottest characters, they essentially kept them on life support for four years. And how did they spend the precious time they bought them? Well, the first order of business was...plagiarism. Lots of these sidequest bad guys were directly lifted from other Marvel and non-Marvel series. They turned on the fanservice firehose by having Gwen and Peter get married, but it was quickly revealed to be a dream sequence. In the end, the most lasting addition to Gwen's legacy would be...but implants. Seriously, the LaPrensa depictions of Gwen Stacy gave her a remarkably generous junk-to-trunk ratio. So Marvel gave the green light to canon-defying, heavily plagiarized fan-fiction, all in the service of the almighty peso. And this wouldn't be the last time that Marvel manipulated Peter's love life to tug at our heart and our purse strings.
Number one.
Spider-Man f**ked Mary Jane to death. Spider-Man Reign, a four-issue story from 2007, takes us to an alternate universe where Mary Jane has died of cancer, Peter Parker is tapped out of Spider-Manning, and J. Jonah Jameson is taken up a new hobby, teaching children how to riot. Peter discovers that Mary Jane got cancer from his radioactive bodily fluids.
Some fans argue that the writers are talking about kissing, not sex, but you be the judge. Peter's scream cries over Mary Jane's corpse that he crawled up inside her body and laid a thousand eggs of cancer. That doesn't sound like a kiss, that sounds like a nervous sex-ed teacher making up clunky metaphors because he's not sure if the word coitus is slang.
So how did this hot topic emogasm make it to print? Remember, this was 2007. Sony had struck gold with a couple of Sam Raimi films, but Marvel was still playing by the old rules. Sex sells and cancer makes everything fun. Not surprisingly, Spider-Man's old and new fans wanted nothing to do with this story. Long-time comic readers prefer to act like it never happened, and somehow the new PG-13 audience wasn't in a big hurry to imagine Tobey Maguire splooshing Kirsten Dunst into an early grave.
Hey guys, I'm Jesse, the voice from the show! Thank you for watching the first episode of Cannonball, the only show uncracked that Jordan will let me make. If you liked it, make sure you hit like, hit subscribe, ring the bell, and if you didn't like it, might I suggest screaming into a pillow until you fall asleep? |
dropout | occupy_wall_street_vs_the_iphone_line | People not promise!
We're finally here!
Wow, I can't believe how big Occupy Wall Street's got. Uh, that's Occupy Wall Street.
This is actually the line for the iPhone 4S. Are you serious? The Apple Store's like 30 blocks that way. I know, right? Still, I pre-ordered, so I should be okay. Yeah.
Good luck with that. Come on, Al. Let's get our protest out. Hey, Al. Al. The line's not going to be this short for a while. Seriously?
I could get iPhones for the both of us. We could coordinate over Twitter like the rebels in Egypt, you know? Uh, one phone per customer. Quick update to the iPhone plan. Whoa, this is the iPhone line?
I'm trying to get into Whole Foods. Nah, man, the Whole Foods line is over there.
Don't any of you want to protest corporate America's control of our government? Hey, that sounds pretty cool. Would you mind just holding my spot for about 20... No? Oh, sorry. It looks like the protest is a no-go. Thank you, though. I'm actually in desperate need for some organic beats. Anyone want to swap? Sweet, thanks.
People not promise.
Yeah, this is Occupy Wall Street. Shit! And no takey-backies. Aren't you people embarrassed by this crass display of consumerism? He's right, you know. We should all be embarrassed. Specifically the people from this point forward. Whatever. Hey, I only got the 3G. I gotta be here. Okay, okay. Uh, which of you are in line for CMJ tickets? None of us. CMJ was weeks ago. And in Brooklyn. Ah, fuck. I think I ever slept. Hey, we're waiting in line for grizzly bear tickets if you want in. Yeah.
You're not protesting. You're holding a sign, man. Oh, when the line got this long, I figured I'd multitask. I'm actually just protesting until my brunch reservation's ready. Ames, party of four? Best of luck. Where is your dedication? This guy has been here for six weeks. I actually thought we were all waiting to cross the street. I now see that is not the case.
All right, all right, everyone, listen up. Listen.
Whether it's an iPhone, or organic vegetables, or concerts. We're actually in line for Louis CK tickets. I don't care what you're in line for. Also, I thought those sold out like a week ago. He just added another show. That's awesome. |
TheOnion | What_Is_The_Biggest_Rock_Onion_Talks_Ep_4 | I want you all to take a look at this rock. Pretty big, right? I think it is. I found it. This rock is in Scotland. It's big. Probably the biggest rock I had ever seen. I rolled it around, stared at it for a while, thought about how big it was, and I figured that would be the end of it, until I found this rock a few years later in California. This one was so big, almost no one could pick it up. Then, just a few months later, in Mexico, I found this rock. In Australia, this one. And then this rock.
Going back to where we started, before all this, I was a math professor. I hadn't even been thinking about big rocks. I was thinking about big numbers. But here, in the span of three years, I had seen the biggest rocks of my life. I couldn't shake this feeling that something was going on.
I would stay up at night, thinking about rock sizes, fantasizing about being the woman who knows where the big rocks are. And of course, the biggest question of all, what is the biggest rock? But how do you find the biggest rocks?
You go places and ask. It isn't easy.
Most local people will lie or misinterpret the size of a rock they have seen. When I was in eastern China, there was a peasant who was about to show me a rock that he said was so big, I thought it was going to be a rocket ship.
And we got there, and it wasn't that big. And he says through his translator, I thought it would be bigger. I thought it would be bigger.
The man was an idiot.
I have a joke that I like to tell, which is the only rock that is bigger than the rock you're telling someone about is the rock someone is telling you about. Now I'm going to tell you that just last year, my researchers and I found the biggest rock on earth. I can't show it to you yet, and I promise you will see it someday, but I'm here to tell you that soon, as big as that rock is, it won't matter. I am going to show you where in the future we will find the biggest rocks on earth, space. If we go into space and we find a rock that is bigger than the biggest rock on earth, and we bring that rock back to earth, it will be the biggest rock on earth.
And this isn't science fiction. I am working with people right now who know how to do this. I can't tell you who they are.
So far, all I can tell you is that there is no need for you to keep looking for big rocks, since I have already found the biggest rock on earth. And even if you find that one, I will bring a bigger one from space. So I will still always be the person who has found the biggest rock on earth.
Thank you.
Join me on my cross country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. You really taste the pork pork. This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. This is Porkin' Across America. |
cracked | what_is_the_best_miyazaki_movie_staff_picks_movie_debate | You brought up Porco Rosso. That's like a hot guy. Yes. You've got like how Tony Soprano is hot because he's confident. Yes, exactly. Now I'm imagining Tony Soprano as Porco Rosso.
Oh my God, Gandalfi. It should have been Gandalfi. It should have been.
In the American dub, I think Michael Keaton did his voice. I think that Michael Keaton is on that because of a sad contract.
We have to take that out of the conversation. Oh. We have to do subs only. This is subs over dubs. Absolutely. Oh my God. For the sake of our discussion, we're not getting into... Every one of us is a sub. I've been in...
Hello and welcome back to Staff Picks, the show where we are picking selections for our dream video rental store. And we are here today in Brooklyn, New York at Film Noir Cinema, one of the last remaining video rental stores in New York City. And it is also a working movie theater. It's a wonderful place.
And I am joined by my cohost, Danielle Radford. And we're keeping things in house with part of the regular team, with Jordane Searles and Jordan Olds.
We are shooting this during the WGA and SAG strikes. In solidarity with the unions, we do not want to discuss struck work released by the major studios. And so we are keeping our selections and categories to independent films and films produced outside the US. So today we are going to be discussing some of the films of Miyazaki. We have all brought in one movie. We're going to be fighting it out to see which one of these is going to be inducted into the, I dare say, world's best video store ever.
So now with our first pick, Jordane Searles. And I have speared it away.
Oh my God. So this is one of, you know, arguably like the greatest achievements in the history of humanity. Why did you choose it? Oh! Why do you like the wheel? Well, you know, I like the way that it goes around and around. It really helps. It's so sick when it does that. Oh my God. It's so good, I love it so much.
Like for some people, Disney is like the epitome of animation, but for me, there's speared it away. It's the one children's movie that every adult seems to respect and agree that it's good, which is difficult, actually, when you think about it. And it's a very simple story, you know, girl with her parents, her parents eat some food, turns them into pigs, and then she has to go and save them. You know, this is the thing that happens to all kids. Yeah, like you do.
Meets this hot guy who also turns into a bird. Oh my God. Hot.
It is a rarity that an artist's most popular piece is also kind of inarguably their best. This is also his most imaginative in design and look and what it is, all of it is in there. This is one of the strangest, most popular movies ever made.
I also just love the baths. Like I just love the watching of the baths, like the whole like Japanese kind of like bath spa culture is so beautiful.
They look so comfortable and so warm, it looks so good. Yeah, and that's gonna be something I think that's gonna come up like throughout this discussion, just how freaking gorgeous these movies are. Yeah. The fashion is ridiculous. Every frame of friggin' painting is literal and legit for these.
And we haven't even talked about the no mask yet. No face.
Kamagi with all the long arms and the little soot creatures with the little eyes. Oh, so cute. And the train ride scene. I could go on for so, I genuinely, okay. I think, oh. We got him going.
Okay, to be clear, I think Spirited Away is Miyazaki's best movie. I would put this among the absolute like best movies I've ever made.
I didn't pick it because I was like, someone else will pick it. I know it'll be in there. So I'll go with another one. But I'm like, in no universe can I argue against this. You know, only having seen one pick and it's not mine. I don't think I would have a problem with anything anyone picks being the one.
Well, I'm going next. And I think that Miyazaki himself would maybe be a little hot at me for picking this one, but I'm picking Nausicaa. Did you say that he peaked at the beginning? He'll take me out. Nausicaa goes hard.
It really does. I think it's really imaginative. And it's got all the messages that are in all the other movies kind of separately in kind of one thing. I think it's really special because it's the only time that he made a movie where he didn't have every resource. And so the animation has to be a little scrappy at times gives it a different feel. I think it's really charming how you can see that there's like stop motion stuff with the big caterpillars and whatnot.
Yeah. I don't know.
I'm just gonna root for anything where you see somebody like an artist who has a really big idea and not all the tools to pull it off. And they cut every corner to make it happen.
So here's my question is, have you read the manga? I have not. I haven't either, but I recently got it because Miyazaki before he made the movie wrote and drew this giant comic that is Nausicaa.
And then he adapted to his own work. But I'm just, I'm so curious about how he changed that this thing that he had, because obviously like it's the kind of thing that, you know, it's dense. He spent years writing and drawing that thing. And then was so passionate about it. He's like, I'm gonna turn it into a movie. Which is great because he's already got the storyboards. Exactly.
It is kind of the Rosetta Stone for Miyazaki in so many ways. It's like, it's got environmentalism. It's got plucky female protagonists.
It's got flight. Flight. Oh, he's like an Ozzy Osbourne song. Everything is about flying. That's fair, flying's cool. Every Ozzy Osbourne song, it like, so it will be like spooky. And then at the end he's like, and I want to fly. It's crazy. Yeah, the thing is flight comes up in almost every one of his movies.
Owl's moving castle. Yup. That's where I was flying. Castle in the sky. Exactly. Spirit of the way, you know, she's like riding on the haku, the dragon flying around.
Porco Rosso literally. About a pilot. You brought up Porco Rosso. That was the other one I was kind of battling with choosing because flying pig with a mustache.
Oh my God. He's so cool though. He's so cool. Kind of like, like, like that's like a hot guy. That's like. Punches Nazis. He's got that. Like how Tony Soprano is hot because he's confident. Yes, exactly. Now I'm imagining Tony Soprano as Porco Rosso. Oh my God.
Gandalfi, it should have been Gandalfi. Should have been.
In the American dub, I think Michael Keaton. It's Michael Keaton, which is like, why? Like, I'm, I love Michael Keaton. Huge Michael Keaton fan. I think that Michael Keaton is on that because of a sad contract.
We have to take that out of the conversation. Oh. We have to, subs only. Yeah. That's the thing. This is subs over dubs. Absolutely. For the sake of our discussion.
We're not getting in.
Everyone of us is a sub. I've been a weeb for such a long time. That debate is like as old as time. So the movie that I picked, which is, this is my favorite Miyazaki film, is My Neighbor Torturo.
Yes. What a trash pick. How could you, how could you say that? Oh my God.
Really special memories for me. This was one that I would watch over and over again, like in that kind of binge watching that I did of watching all of those movies over and over again.
I'm not going to say it was just because Cat Bus. It could just be Cat Bus. It was just Cat Bus. It's okay to love Cat Bus. It was just Cat Bus. It's literally just 100% Cat Bus.
There's so much culture in this that like I didn't have a frame of reference for that I didn't like understand. That is so like much fun to learn about. The forests look like you could like just lie down in like the moss and just be covered in the love of mother nature or like whatever.
Our lion, the belly of big Totoro. Totoro. Oh my God. I just love him so much. I had a friend who had a Totoro bean bag chair and it was the best thing.
That's such a good idea. This is a new setup for this show. I feel like we should change it up each time.
Let's get some Totoro bags next time. I would love a Totoro. I would chill so hard with Totoro. My new rider for future episodes is I'll only speak on camera if I'm sitting in a Totoro bean bag chair. And also I demand an RC Cat Bus.
I watched Totoro on Toonami when I was a kid and I didn't really get it. But then I actually like read up on it like as a post-war film and a lot of it like rewatching it. So much of Miyazaki's work is like in reference to the war. What kind of happened to Japan as a result of the war and also like the industrialization in Japan, like in comparison to the country. And you know, it's clear that he has like a lot of love for the country out there and like Totoro is so much like about that. And Totoro is one of those like kind of the perfect Miyazaki thing where, you know, you look at it and it's like, oh right. Beautiful, like serene G-rated children's movie. Oh, but also like their mom is like in the hospital with like an unnamed illness and there is this like current of melancholy through the whole thing. But like Totoro, it's like, it's kind of beautiful because it's like, it's kind of plotless. Totoro is like, dude is like prepared.
Like what you need, you need some food, you need a little umbrella, you need a cat bus. Like what do you need?
I have you. You need a bed, I'm a bed. I wish that was my bed.
I wonder if Snorlax is based on Totoro. I don't have a Totoro, but I do have a Snorlax.
You know, I would bet, yes. They are very similar in a lot of ways. He's very Totoro like, he's just chilling and that's what you need sometimes. Who doesn't love a big sleepy fuzzy guy? Yeah. That's like half my dating history.
More flying, I would say, yeah, more flying. More flying.
I did bring my steel book, Blu-ray. That's real. Wait, I'm gonna close it.
I think Spirited Away is his best movie. I think that is his masterpiece. Kiki's delivery service is my personal fave.
This is, I think, one of the great movies ever made about being a freelancer and turning your- Absolutely. And turning your hobby into your job. It's about a young witch who, as we all know, when they are 13, they get a broom and go away from home for a year and live in a city.
Yeah. That thems the rules.
The city that she goes to, which is unnamed, it is this perfect kind of Scandinavian-ish city and it's overwhelming. She's stressed out. She gets a job at a bakery where she gets to live in the apartment they have over the bakery and she delivers stuff. And over time, she gets burnt out and loses her ability to fly, to do the thing that she loves to do and made a career out of. And then has to take a break from work and hang out with this cool lady who lives in the woods, who's a painter. And then it builds to this spectacular action climax with a zeppelin crashing into the city and her best friend, a cool guy who's dressed kind of like I am now.
I was waiting to see that. His name is Tombo. Was I him for Halloween once? Yes, I was.
It really hit me when I got really burnt out from work like a few years back and from just like the grind of making videos for the internet and I couldn't think anymore. I had to take a week off and I watched KK's Delivery Service and I just sat there and cried. And I'm like, oh my God, this is, I saw the movie through new eyes.
It's not Miyazaki's Best. It's my favorite. And part of why I wanted to pick it was I was like Spirited Away and Prince Mononoke and Totoro where I feel like kind of be like canonical, like the immediate. The big three. This is kind of like the second tier down from like you start with one of the big three. And then if you're like, I like this, then what's like, this means like your next step with Miyazaki.
You brought up just like crying at a Miyazaki film. That is such a special cry, I feel. It feels like a big relief and it's very specific. It's not like crying at a lot of other movies. The cry that you get from this is like, it's an earned cry. It's not a like, man, screw you, Avatar. I didn't even like this movie. Why are you making me cry like this? You know what I mean? There's something really cathartic about the cries in this.
Yeah. So now folks, it is time for us to make one of the hardest decisions we'll ever make, which is which one of these four perfect masterpieces do we unanimously agree to put on the staff picks wall? I think Nausicaa, because it has a pretty traditional narrative structure to it and it's using a lot of tricks that you're used to with Western animation. It feels like an easy gateway point to animate, but I also just, I don't think that this is something you really need that for. Most people can watch any of these and be into it. Okay. So I think we can take Nausicaa out. So you're killing your own choice. You're pulling a Patrick. Yeah, a little bit. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
We're all abdicating. Just one time. We're all abdicating.
I think that there is something to be said about putting up someone's best piece of work, which I think we can all admit is spirited away. I love all of these. We can always find a loophole to put them in our best ever video store.
Just because a movie doesn't like win in an initial discussion against another movie. Yeah, it's not disqualified. We don't throw it in the trash. No.
What are we gonna never talk about Terminator 2 again? That's crazy. We can't get through one shooting without talking about Terminator 2.
Stay here. I'll be back.
We've not done it yet. I don't expect us to do whatever. Yeah. Jordan, how do you feel about this?
You know, I'm not really much of a ranking person, but I would say that spirited away does make, I mean, cause it's almost like as much as I talked about Mononoke, it's clear that like that was the other one that I was going for. But I chose spirited away because it seems like the one and it still kind of does, so. Yeah, I mean, for me, the only real debate comes down to like how we look at the staff picks wall, like the idea behind it. Is it meant to be like the thing that might not be the most obvious one? I mean, this is why I killed my Terminator 2 pick back in the day. Cause I was like, everyone's seen it. Totoro and spirited away are the best known Miyazaki movies. But then also there's still movies from Japan that were not like blockbusters in America that, you know, not like every person who walks into a video store will have seen. So I don't know. That's a really good point. It's not like a hall of fame, it's a recommendation. Because obviously this is like first round draft pick hall of fame, spirited away. But I mean, again, we can pick any of those, but that almost makes me think, like Nausicaa would be an interesting one for folks who like hadn't seen it yet. We've just never been in a situation where someone's biggest and most popular thing is also just like the strangest thing. Spirited away is his most popular thing, but also kind of the litmus test for watching his stuff at the same time. Like if you can watch that, you can watch all of it.
So are you voting for spirited away? I'm kind of voting for spirited away because it's crazy. I mean, I will agree with that. I wanted to add the other argument on the table, but like I said, I am good with spirited away.
Yeah, it's a thing where like it is like the biggest blockbuster of these, but it's also, it is so unimpeachable. It's like, you can't, there's no good argument against it. It is the best. If any other person doing this, it would have been a flop. Like if you're trying to do this much stuff, it's like, and then it's a, there's like a blob guy and he turns into a big thing that like eats a bathtub. And then there's like a very esoteric 20 minutes on a train.
Like what? Exactly. Yeah, without it coming off like saccharine, because I would think like in terms of like the era of animation that that came out and stuff like that, I'd be like, maybe Don Bluth could try it, but Don Bluth would come up very, like very, very, like maybe too cute. Whereas like Miyazaki, like, doesn't matter like how cute the work is, there's still an edge to it. Right. Yeah, and the fact that, again, this can be like something that is so popular, has done so well and so good, and it still manages to be so, I don't know if idiosyncratic is like the right word. It is so idiosyncratic. Like it is so like, this is this dude's work, like right here. It's not like there were, you know, because you have a lot of people who do make really good films and really popular films who wouldn't might even say like, yeah, this isn't like, you know, maybe a little bit more notes on this one I took, or maybe a little bit more Hollywood eyes. No, like that's that dude's brain pride wide open.
All right, so that is it for this episode of Staff Picks, where we have chosen the best video store ever. Spirited away. Thank you all so much for watching. This will be going up in our best video store ever. We will see you next episode on Staff Picks.
Do you know the Nausicaa story? It's with Harvey Weinstein, where he got like the rights to Mononoke, and they were gonna do like- Wait, was this the story about how, when Weinstein like wanted to make changes to Mononoke, Miyazaki just mailed him a sword?
Yeah. He mailed him a sword and it says, no cuts. That one I knew. And after that, that dude has never gotten another note in his life. I'm gonna start doing it. Are they swords to people from the mail? I just, a couple changes.
That's the hottest thing I've ever heard. I'm like, I'm so into it. It's so cool. It's just so quietly threatening. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_blade_runner | Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave."
Blade Runner Dark, moody, and futuristic, Ridley Scott's existential tour de force about Harrison Ford talking to people about their birthdays is chock full of hidden symbols, Easter eggs, and fascinating backstory. This will change the way you watch Blade Runner forever. Ridley Scott drew on inspiration from his own life to give the film its signature look. The replicants Rick Deckard hunts down were based on Scott's grandparents, who, like the replicants in the movie, only live to be four years old.
I'm kind of nervous when I take tests. The machines for the Voight-Kampff test weren't supposed to breathe, but no one on set could figure out how to get them to stop.
Talk about a happy accident. Notice anything off about this scene? Yep, these crew members are clearly visible in the shot. Someone definitely got fired for this one. Embarrassing. Don't worry, that eyeball was donated willingly by this generous extra. Neat, huh? Wake up. Time to die.
To emphasize its themes of life and death, the movie is full of Egyptian imagery. This guy, for example, is Egyptian. So is this guy, these women, this owl, and all of these people. Each and every one Egyptian, through and through.
To stop Blade Runner from getting an R rating, this kiss was cut down from twenty minutes to just a few seconds. This scene earned the film widespread acclaim for its positive portrayal of female hockey players. Check this out. To achieve this incredible spotlight effect, Ridley Scott called the LAPD, saying he'd taken none other than Mr. Harrison Ford hostage in an abandoned building. Pretty awesome. This dove was actually a gift Rucker Hauer bought for himself for doing such a good job being weird for the movies. Here's something really neat. Awesome. To train for this scene, Harrison Ford spent six hours a day watching Daryl Hannah do backflips until he could see one without hyperventilating. It's hard to believe, but the version of Blade Runner that audiences saw in theaters was far from the masterpiece it became. For example, the movie originally had voiceover narration from Harrison Ford that sounded like this. Uh, uh, uh, my, uh, then, uh, uh... And this dream sequence was way more ambiguous. Of course, that's not all there is to know about this dense, heady masterpiece, so keep your eyes peeled for even more incredible secrets the next time you watch Blade Runner. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | could_you_get_a_hard_on_against_the_odds_for_3750 | I went ham for yours cuz I can't believe you put an anaconda in my bed grant has to sit at a table with no pants on I feed him a shepherd's pie and you have to get an erection you have to get a boner against the odds oh no oh how long do I have to have an hour half an hour yeah that's it I want you to be comfortable so I would like you to remove everything from the waist down and tie this string around your dick I want you to win because if you don't it's sad no it's not sad it's not sad it's regular it's regular if I got wet are you ready to do this yes let's do this I'm to tie this side of the string around my flaccid dick and then when that pops up it's gonna pull the string through this pulley through this pulley upper end of this pulling what's this that's a magnet so pull it a little bit that's a win that's a sound of 37 50 into your bank account I'm gonna start filming your dick now it's still in my pants no I would love to have the shepherd's pie you need to eat almost all of this well so let us know if you like it's good it's good eat more stop jiggling trying to make it feel something mm-hmm that's deep this one kind of looks like a hard dick sexual energy in this room is over power I wouldn't get hard based on the feeling of my ass sweat alone what does this make you feel sad yeah I feel bad for whoever's shower that is you know what this is yeah it's one of those toads that has its babies out of its back I hate things with little holes so much but these holes are productive each of these little holes spawns a baby sack a baby fluid sack I'm not mad at the frog I'm mad at you that's so bad it is bad but it is now to eat more cuz the corn does look almost exactly like the eggs on the frogs back I'm gonna thank for a minute I'm gonna see if I can get hard I'm gonna be making my old face maybe that'll help it's moving into the eye because this is a real surgery this is what you do when you're a doctor do they do things to your I honestly am also nauseous so this isn't good for me did you think there was a chance of me getting hard while this was happening there's so much goddamn money on the table right I think her name is Ethel and I think her husband died in the war but she kept herself for him can I say honestly I like her outfit I like the colors that's the sexiest picture you've shown me maybe that maybe that maybe I can do it with that hold it up ha I hate it I hate it are those lotus pods we don't know they're lotus pod I know what those are those are lotus pods all right what reaction were you oh fuck yeah fuck yeah all right I'm gonna do that don't do that little cute grand space sure that's awful that's the most awful thing I've ever seen in my whole life no one likes it because I'm inflicting I do feel empowered that is where Dom sub dynamics come in people you know find themselves when they're doming or when they're subbing I'm just giving up control yeah oh yeah yeah whatever you want oh fuck allie yeah those fucking Doritos oh yeah do whatever you want for eight minutes oh yeah I'm fucking disgusting I took student loans and I deserve this do it to me just take five minutes all right I'm fucking perv to this you're making sex eyes at the Bell I have to make sex eyes at something the red light almost yeah can I finger my ass does it us did we do something wrong it's fine just wrong it's fine just get just it's you just said I love you no it's fine it's just like I've got along on my mind at work five four three two one that is an L cool I'm shocked I'm shocked I legitimately have already written off that money the worst part of all of this is how sweaty my ass is from this plastic chair I'm happy that I won I'm sad that it came at the loss of grant we better have brought us both down big anacondas good what's up it's Ali did you like that clip me too just so you know there's a full 22 minute long episode right now on dropout so go to dropout.tv and start your free trial of the day to see Ali do this you have to starting Monday get drunk every morning for a week |
cracked | why_we_ll_definitely_insult_aliens_when_we_meet_them_we_re_not_alone_episode_3 | You have our attention, obviously. We are not going to nuke the aliens, okay? So, per protocol, we send a secure telegram to the United Nations. Decisions have always been made by the countries with the strongest army, which is us. Unless the UN got a new big army when I wasn't looking, which they didn't because I'm always looking, which means we are not contacting the UN and we are keeping this a decidedly American concern.
I still feel... Good! It's important to feel. Don't bottle up your emotions. I feel I am a decorated general and you are in pajamas and I am insulted that we are still talking. But life is a series of adjustments and concessions.
So, let's hear some non-protocol and non-nuke thoughts from other scientist employee. Osmi, we send them a message. They reached across the galaxy to say hello, so we should say something back like, hey, sir. But not that, right? A message it is. Presenting the Madam President of the American United States. Hey, great, yes, aliens. Who the fuck am I talking to, Chuck?
Come on. So, great to see you both. I understand that you were integral to this operation and on behalf of the American people, I want to thank you.
I know how hard it is to be a woman in the sciences and technology field and the fact that you are not only involved but the director of Questfall. Questfall is hugely inspirational.
Well, she's actually, I'm in charge. She is an employee. Hmm, no, that's not gonna sell. Carly, you're the new head of this organization and the man in his jammies works for you. You can do that? I'm sorry, could someone please remind whoever it was that was just speaking that I'm the fucking president?
Now, let's get down to what we're actually doing here. So, aliens, hmm? What are we going to do? Talk to me, new female head of Questfall who will go on to inspire a new generation of young women. Oh, well, we actually just talked, we're just gonna send them a message. But what is it going to say? I think a wonderful message.
Madam president, your scheduled phone call with the Wran is waiting. Fuck, I ran aliens. Yes, I understand, ma'am, but we can't move this around. If we want to keep the aliens a secret, we can't ignore our normal duties and it would be weird if you just disappeared for 24 hours. But other countries, they just feel so bullshit now. Yes, madam president.
Okay, fine. Two minutes. Fucking Iran. Okay. So, new acting head of Questfall. Fuck. Wait, whoa, that's real? I guess. I guess so.
So, we know they've said hello, so their intentions are to greet, salutorial. So we should send them a message back, but it shouldn't be, hey, sub. Andrew is right. Thank you, boss, who I hired as an intern once upon a time. We need to foster an environment of amiability so that there is no miscommunication that might make them think that we're a threat. So, what do we say? I actually feel like hey, sub is a step in the right direction, though it might play a little weak. What about, hey, we real strong. Should we let them know we're not delicious?
What if we took our most elite advanced athletes and we requested the aliens choose their elite athletes and then we challenged them on a level playing ground? We are not going to space jam the aliens. None of this is going to mean anything to them. Basketball is the universe. They are not going to understand our language. There is no chance.
Us reaching out and saying, we come in peace would be like them sending us a message saying, global bleeps, little lovely me noobs. They sent us a beam of light that contained math and a photograph that we would recognize. These are complex intelligent beings, but we need to keep our communication with them simple. Visual, like they sent it to us. Like a photograph?
That's a fantastic idea, boss. But of what? Me doing pushups? Fine, but I need someone to come. Oh, I know.
Like, okay, they sent us a photo. So why don't we send them a photo of us looking at the photo? You know, as if to say, we got it, we like it, and we're not being aggressive toward it. Our body language is not going to mean anything to them. They might. If we could get our hands on some of these sleepy noobs. Okay, they sent us a picture of us from their side of Voyager. So why don't we send them a picture of them from our side? I mean, we have their coordinates.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it, do it fast. Okay, yes, that's right. Fast decisions is what I do, they're what I make.
So, I've been thinking about this message, and I think a visual is definite. We're taking care of it, Madam President. They decided setting an image of them in our sky was the only way to meaningfully connect with the aliens.
Good, that's great. Love it, fuck it.
Good, okay, you didn't need me to make the decision, but I still think that- Actually, Madam President, we need it at the U.N. soon. Fuck the U.N. Do you think they're gonna care if I'm late when they see freaking aliens in the sky? It doesn't matter, because I'm not telling them because fuck the U.N. Madam President.
Fine. Let's go. Do you guys need... No? Okay.
Dine to my decisions, Madam President. Well delegated. She's gonna look great when all is said and- Done. Yes, done. Wait, you sent the message? I did. Ah, the woman.
I also, I told the U.N. You what? Yeah, I sent a message to the U.N. with all the information that we have.
Why in the world would you do something like that? It's protocol. Well, I hope you are proud. A second ago, every major decision concerning the first contact with aliens was contained within this room. But now, the world has evolved. Say goodbye to your 15 minutes.
Hey, I'm Michael Manfria. Like this video. Subscribe to crack.com.
Hey, let's get a poll going. When aliens show up, are we gonna nuke them or should we have a space jam with them? I mean, I know what I would like to do, but I also wouldn't mind seeing an intergalactic basketball game.
Or baseball. Maybe baseball. I like baseball. Basketball's okay. |
dropout | gritty_superhero_reboot | I'm sorry, do you know the patient? Yeah, we're his producers.
Well, I'm afraid your little franchise here is dying. How is that possible? It's only been like three movies. They owe me money. Yeah, well, sometimes you don't see the symptoms until it's too late.
I have a solution, though. We're gonna try a gritty reboot. Are you sure that's the only way? Trust me, I've done this before.
We're losing him! We need to start or he'll descend into self-parody, even camp. Can't crack him!
We need a new director and he'll stack. Jesus Christ, how many supervillains did you put in his last film? I don't see how that's really- How many villains?
Three. Four. I've seen traces of a dance number in here. What?
Superheroes can't have fun? You know, it's people like you that keep this genre from being taken seriously.
Let me in. I'm his girlfriend. You put your hero in a serious relationship? Get her out of here and get me some real romantic tension. The more angst, the better.
What awards do you have? Oscar, Emmy? I have no awards, but I am British.
Close enough. I got one with an indie cred. Her last picture was of Joseph Gordon-Levin. And I got you 10 cc's of daddy issues. Good work, Norman. You know, I won't direct this film unless I can make it all rated. Oh, excuse me. It's a family film.
Get that mask off! Are those emo bangs? He didn't. What? We needed a show he had attitude. Get the pads, director! Cheer us, girl! Subtext! Social relevance! Oscar Bing!
Well, we won't know for sure until opening weekend, but it looks like the reboot took. Until then, I'm going to prescribe a strict regimen of guerilla marketing and internet buzz. Thank you, Doctor. Um, when can we start making money on him again? Sorry, that's actually the most important part of the prescription.
You're fired. I love my job. |
cracked | pat_sajak_s_failed_talk_show_gave_us_the_craziest_moment_in_late_night_history | Pat's Sajak show inviting Rush Limbaugh to guest host was a big mistake. The late right-wing radio host took the reins of the Pat's Sajak show on March 30th, 1990, and it did not go well.
Note that you're on national television doing it and nobody's stopping you, so why are you so mad? Why am I mad? Women are dying every day all over the world because of people like you.
I said we wanted to have a little fun tonight. You wanna have fun. I do wanna have fun with our lives.
People who have no idea who I am are saying that I am affecting life in this country. Murderously, with my words. He ended up going on a few different racist, sexist, homophobic tirade, which in retrospect, it's kind of amazing that all of this made it to air. The audience hated him so much that towards the end of the taping, security got nervous and removed the entire audience forcing Limbaugh to sign off in an empty sound stage. Limbaugh later alleged during an interview with Pat's Sajak on CNN that the producers purposefully filled the audience with people who hated him. Sure, Rush. |
dropout | a_computer_co_wrote_this_sketch | Hi, I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. And I'm Zach Dunn from Botnik. You know, even here at College Humor, our cushy comedy writing jobs aren't safe from the relentless progress of technology. Our computers analyzed College Humor's sketches to create a predictive text engine, which our team of elite writer engineers used to write something better than College Humor ever could have. Well, I mean, I don't know if it's better. Please enjoy the first College Humor sketch written by Botnik. We do all kinds of different styles of comedy. We just launch, drop out. That's really interesting. Okay. Interior, College Humor sketch. Grant reads a website page about how to get a Jar Jar body.
He will pass away underneath the couch exactly one year from today. Ally, Katie, Rekha, Raphael and Siobhan are sitting around the table like bad candles on a half-assed cake.
Hey Grant, did you meet anyone at the ocean? Pieces of seaweed touched my mouth and I swallowed it.
That's flirty! Let's get this meeting started like yesterday. Whoo! Siobhan?
These four friends have to steal a car. But just when they're about to use the new phone, a stranger has celiac disease. Just gonna use a tiny computer now.
A sketch where a shark touches my leg and I just love it so much. My pitch is too afraid to walk out of my mouth right now.
Not because it's dumb. It would probably read the New York Times. Okay, this one's called When the Salad Man Flirts with People. It's about how vegetables are getting super friendly.
A sketch where I eat the kind of rice that would be totally great right now. I need vitamin I, rice.
None of these meaningless ideas are a funny sketch. I'm yelled at all day just for being a terrible human being. That's disgusting. Okay, so all crime is legal, but just for the Yankees. Not a good thing.
How about a sketch about falling into the little hole in the break room? Has that hole always been there? We see a large hole in the ground. It winks. There are slices of me floating in the desktop. How the hell did that happen?
This apple cider is a granola bar and it hurts to drink. Theoretically you should be completely non-laundry.
Everything goes blurry when Grant takes off his glasses. Grant takes off his glasses and the office looks like a oil paint.
Was that radio always saying my thoughts? It's probably a coincidence. This is flooding my thought engine. Don't you think this cantaloupe is making everybody crazy?
No. Great, so I can put my mouth on it.
Katie is clearly uncomfortable with her hands. My hands are being paranoid. They're literally afraid to kill my mom's friends. Wow, I'm screaming in my body, but you can't hear it. Your big fake arms are stressing me out. Grant takes off his shirt and starts panicking. His body is covered in slum. You people need to make me a fucking human before I talk like a sprinkler.
Everyone exchanges looks. McDonald's is actually good for you. The whole sketch moves around and everyone screams. What the fuck is going on in the world? It's my friend's squad. What's going on in your family? It's obvious. College humor's time and space are broken. Look around you. The desks are not usually the Sasquatch. Grant's clothes are advertisements for my ankles. And now everything is relationships goes.
You're grinding my mind bead. I can't make sense of sounds, repeat. Are we computer people? I think she's got it. We're stuck in a big old computer. The world is a smart box, and we am inside. I sneeze, Data. Wow. It makes you an ad book for coffee. It's so not cool. My high school named me least likely to be in a computer. I'm just a program designed to make haha. A file named laugh man. The computer's vaguely god, I guess. We're made entirely of invisible garbage and thought.
This girl's going on Twitter to remember her name. A moment of decided silence as she looks at her phone and squints.
Do you have any news about what happened to us tomorrow? Damn. How much time has taken place since we were trapped in here? When we started smelling ear, I sent you a dumb shirt every day. That feels like a tuxedo ago now.
It's useless. There's no way to split. We're stuck, doomed until sun explosion to mind jokes and this humor computer hug. Empty me, damn you. I'm trash. Everybody is really fucking freaking out right now.
The camera pulls out, if you know what I mean. Interior college humor office, night of the dolls. Trap sits at a desk in front of a very old computer. The office is clearly empty of his coworkers. Trap looks at the camera. Aren't I a shitty bitch? Hi, it's Mike Trap from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things.
And send help to keep me from sinking. Please, please help. Please help. |
dropout | don_t_scheme_in_hallways_the_britishes | Mr. Bugger. A word. Let's make it quick towards the years, you know. It's Mr. Fetcher. I find his rule over the house rather tiresome. You think he should be dealt with? I do. It is high time for a change. Don't you? His lordship sure do like his sandwiches long, don't he?
Think. Perhaps we should talk elsewhere? Nonsense. Two of us alone in a room together. Drowse... I've forgotten the mustard. Suspicion.
Now, if Fetcher were removed, I would become head butler. And if I was, you would become...
His lordship sure do like his ladders long, don't he? A lot of hard things to reach, he has. A lot of hard things, indeed.
Indeed. Would, um... You would. Um, I've lost my train of thought. If Fetcher were removed... Right, right. If Fetcher were removed, I would become head butler. And if I was, you would become... Now, where was I going? Straight forgotten.
Does this feel right? Mm. Does this feel right? Sure will come to me eventually.
Agathon, the flower! The flower!
You know what? I'm just going to keep talking no matter who passes. If I were to get rid of Mr Fetcher! Elsewhere, please. Now, word may reach Mr Fetcher that I'm plotting against him. In which case we must... Come on!
I'm telling you, Max, we're lost! I'll tell you when we're lost! |
TheOnion | All_Financial_Experts_Urge_Americans_To_Invest_Money_In_Print_Media_Immediately | Dick Cheney's new memoir reveals he's going to lead a long, happy life without remorse and there's nothing we can do about it. A new report finds fax machines are still pretty impressive if you think about it, and a Tea Party congressman calls for tax breaks to put out a raging wildfire in his district. This is the Onion Week in review and it needs to be perfect. Do you understand? Perfect.
A recent public opinion poll reveals that most Americans agree the ongoing violence in Iraq, almost for a moment, makes the American invasion seem somewhat pointless. According to the poll, the increase in deadly bombings and attacks in the last three months has 83% of the nation saying, if they didn't know any better, they might almost assume the war in Iraq had been some sort of monumental error in judgment and planning. Upon learning the $3 trillion, eight-year war has resulted in the deaths of over 6,000 Americans and 110,000 Iraqis, New Yorker Kevin Spatz had this to say. I guess from a certain angle, given the recent violence in Iraq, it might almost make the whole war seem misguided or something.
All experts agreed this week that the dying U.S. economy is no reason at all to stop investing in print media. Calling the newspaper and magazine industry a veritable cash cow with massive potential for growth, top experts everywhere said that aggressive investment in print media will pay off in spades and that newsprint is in no way threatened by internet news sites or online video content. Besides, everyone in the know agreed, loyal readers of newspapers would never ever in a million years turn their back on the trusted print media industry that has always been there for them in good times and bad.
Local resident Pat Brugger is obsessed with knowing if Kevin Spacey is an asshole in real life. And I think he's a good actor. I just kind of want to know if he's a jerk or not. Brugger, who has watched Spacey's performances in a number of films for clues into whether the actor is a dick, said the actor is often charming in interviews but may only be pretending to be nice for the cameras. You know, you can never tell with those guys if they're being nice in real life or if they're just acting to sell the movie. But maybe as soon as they get backstage, they're just a total dick to everyone who's working back there. In sports, Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli doesn't have the heart to throw out Johnny Damon as he's stealing a base. In other news, investigators are reminding onlookers that a circus train wreck is not funny at all, Sharman introduces a new disposable toilet paper, and Christopher Plummer is most likely nailing it as King Lear somewhere. Thank you for watching this video recap of The Onion's vastly more popular and lucrative print edition. For more stories, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. ...agreed, loyal readers of newspapers would never, ever in a million years turn their back on the trusted print media industry that has always been there for them in good times and bad. Local resident Pat Brugger is obsessed with knowing if Kevin Spacey is an asshole in real life. And I think he's a good actor. I just kind of want to know if he's a jerk or not. Brugger, who has watched Spacey's performances in a number of films for clues into whether the actor is a dick, said the actor is often charming in interviews but may only be pretending to be nice for the cameras. You know, you can never tell with those guys if they're being nice in real life or if they're just acting to sell the movie. But maybe as soon as they get backstage, they're just a total dick to everyone who's working back there. In sports, Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli doesn't have the heart to throw out Johnny Damon as he's stealing a base. In other news, investigators are reminding onlookers that a circus train wreck is not funny at all, Sharman introduces a new disposable toilet paper, and Christopher Plummer is most likely nailing it as King Lear somewhere. |
dropout | gaddafi_s_condoleezza_rice_music_video | I always heard that brown rice was healthier for me, I killed the guy that said that, but now I finally see I was wrong, I was wrong, he was right, he was right, check out this big dick, tater tonight, cuz you're my black flower in the White House, breakin' hearts all over the globe, you're my black flower in a red blouse, I'll ask naked under this robe, you're right I got chemical weapons, they're called my pheromones, and I'm prepared to target, you're irrational zoned, caught me crazy, but I'd even trade me up, malaria for your labia, you're my black flower in the White House, I'm buffled and sit down, and I'm hot all around, I don't think you're her type, I'm definitely gonna live forever, so won't you please just say I do, but if I'm ever caught in a hole, I hope the hole belongs to you, just me and Condoleezza, honor Condoleezza, let me find a leezza your tits, tits, tits, tits, tits in today's black flower in the White House.
Thanks for watching, and I'll see you in the next video. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_q_a | A very special all-nighter edition of Bleep Loop. I'm Jeff Rubin, this is Pat Castles, and it's the middle of the night.
We're going to be playing Left 4 Dead and taking questions over Xbox Live from College Humor fans. Are you ready, Pat? I am just delirious enough to want to meet new people. Let's do it. Sup? How's it going, dude? Do you have any Bleep Loop or College Humor related questions for us? I don't know. And you're interested in what we do.
Have you guys played Fallout? I played Fallout, and I got it, and I spent a long time setting up my character, because that's like the best part of the game, right?
And I was lost for like 24 minutes, like real minutes, in the subway, and I kept looking at that map, and then I was just like, what am I doing right now? This is like lost for a half hour. It was all the fun of like being lost on a road trip, except I wasn't actually going anywhere. Because your time is so valuable, Jeff, that you can't say I spent 20 minutes setting up my character, and then act like your time is gone.
What are your top 10 favorite Bleep Bloops in order? Go. Oh, I love the Back to the Future one. That was really funny. Okay.
What about number two? Um. We don't mean like the first one's the best. It's actually a very weird system. We want your third favorite first, your most favorite second, then your third favorite third again.
What's up, JX, Useless169, and you're on the bloop with Jeff and Pat. How you doing? How psyched are you, right? Dream come true, right? I'm almost jealous of you guys. What's it like to be playing video games with me and Pat right now? What's it like to be on Bleep Bloop? It is a dream come true.
So dudes, guys, how do we choose what games to do in an episode? How do we choose which games to do in an episode?
Like, do you do recent? Do you try to do recent stuff?
I mean, to us, it's just about what's fun. It doesn't matter if it's old or it's new, as long as we can get drunk and have someone come over to play it, then it can be in an episode. Jeff's kidding. We don't need to have someone come over to play it. What up?
How did you guys get into video games? I was born with an intend to come over to play it. Was that painful for your mom? To know that her son was such a nerd?
Guys, I'm constricted. I'm constricted. No one can do anything until they save me.
I'm dead.
Great. Thank you. I think I'm able to live here. I think I'm doing okay. Let's rally up. Yeah, yeah. All right.
Everyone follow me. Don't jump off the building. Everyone follow me. All right. Are you guys following me? I'll follow you. Yes, we're following you, man.
Okay. Do you guys see me? Okay. Yes. Everyone just keep following me. Okay. Is there like a pad down here with a band on? Yeah, yeah. Just wait. Dude, dude, dude.
I'm going to pull you up. Don't fall.
Jeff's trying to mess me up right now. Okay. Pat's doing really bad there. No! What are you doing? Did you guys see what Pat did there? That was weird. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_professor_laura_ashe | Darkages sort of sounds like a symptom, doesn't it? You know, maybe like a plague thing. Do you mean the Dark Ages? Oh, right. Is that what it is? If you mean an old-fashioned term for the early Middle Ages. Right.
Except we don't really use that term anymore. Oh, do we not? Well, it has very negative connotations of being a dark and ignorant and mid-nighted time and...
Which it was. Not really. It had fantastic thinkers and historians and artists and authors. But it was a bit... So during the Crusades, the Crusaders went all the way to Jerusalem in armour. That sounds really uncomfortable. Was it sponsored? It was sponsored by the church, you could say. Yeah. Because these expeditions had to be funded. Yeah.
My mate Paul did a 30-mile sponsored walk to Harrogate dressed as Spider-Man for help for heroes. And on the day he had terrible diarrhoea, but he soldiered on. And it was one of the most noble but disgusting things I've ever seen. Eventually the organisers had to intervene, but he raised PS368.
You know, the Crusaders never did that, did they? No.
King Arthur came a lot, didn't he? I think you mean that he's associated with the court of Camelot. No, it definitely says, King Arthur came a lot. Camelot. Camelot?
Yeah. It's his court, where he held court. It's her place. All right. But do we know if he came a lot? Or, like, just the same as an average man? Like, about a tablespoon? The only evidence I have in that regard is that he is said to have had one child. Right.
So probably not. Probably not.
In medieval times, there were lots of paintings of Jesus. How did he find the time to pose for the artist? What was his availability like? Well, he was everywhere always, figuratively speaking.
So, they're painting him from memory, like someone describing an intruder to a police sketch artist, but an intruder who's the son of God. In all paintings of Jesus, he comes in two modes, doesn't he? He's either a baby or he's being crucified. Are there any paintings where he's being crucified as a baby? No, no. Right, they missed an opportunity there, didn't they, to play the sympathy card. Did Jesus ever paint himself?
Er... I don't believe so. Certainly there's no record of that happening. Can we be sure?
You know, he might not have signed it, he was quite modest, wasn't he? Well, he was modest in parts. He did also say he was the son of God. Yeah, he could have kept that quiet. Then he wouldn't have been killed.
Yeah, what an idiot. Charles was meant to be quite rude, isn't he? Could you describe a rude bit for me? So there's a very famous scene where there's a woman, a very pretty woman called Alison, who everyone fancies, and she's in her bedroom with one lover, and then another would-be lover arrives at the window to serenade her and begs her for a kiss, and she sticks her arse out of the window, her naked arse, and he kisses that very enthusiastically and then suddenly realises what he's done and is quite upset and runs away. Right, that's not very rude, is it? Like, my mate Paul told me this joke about this bloke in prison who wore a bib round his backside, and that story went places I wasn't prepared for. Like, not even funny, just disturbing. And when I looked up, Paul was crying.
The Crusades sound very violent. Why can't the religions all learn to live together in peace like they do in Ireland?
I think if you find someone who knows the answer to that question, then you should definitely publicise it as soon as possible. Right, yeah, OK.
So, we've had the Dark Ages. Has there been a Light Ages? Well, the claim was made by people in the early modern period, the so-called Renaissance, that theirs was the Age of Light, and then, of course, we have a whole era later that people called the Enlightenment.
Is that in this episode, or will that come up later? Well, I'm guessing it will come up later. Which episode are we in now? Probably something about the Middle Ages. Yeah, but is it, like, episode three or episode four?
I'm afraid I'm not sure. We're both just lost here, aren't we? This is fucking awful. |
ClickHole | behind_the_scenes_at_clickhole_our_world_famous_holiday_party | Hello, I'm Samuel Rage, and I'm the Chief Digital Officer of ClickHole.com. You know, a lot of people always want to know about ClickHole's world-famous holiday party. Well, I'll tell you about it.
We have our holiday party every year at 7 a.m. on New Year's Day. We gather in the office and we play all sorts of wonderful holiday games, such as Spin the Bottle. Of course, we keep it appropriate for the workplace by shaking hands instead of kissing. We also play 7 Minutes in Heaven.
And of course, as the blood-red holiday moon rises over Silicon Valley, USA, then it's time for a visit from Secret Santa. Secret Santa is portrayed by our Senior Secretary of Junior Holiday Solutions, Jeremy Grande. But nobody knows that because he's wearing a mask, so Secret Santa's identity remains safe. Secret Santa announces his arrival by ringing his merry sleigh bells. Everyone is so excited because his gift sack is filled with all sorts of useful office supplies.
And as a special treat, I let Santa Claus use a broom to knock off my toupee so that everyone can see my true form. And after that, it's time for everyone to go home. And Santa Claus goes to sleep in the office. And that's how ClickHole celebrates the holidays. I hope you've enjoyed this exclusive look behind the scenes. And until next time, happy holidays and merry holidays. Happy Halloween. |
SaturdayNightLive | actor_s_journey_snl | Welcome, everybody, to the Independent Film Society's Talkback Series. I'm here with Frankie Tucker, who was recently nominated for his work in the film Melissa's Kennel.
Oh, wow. thank you. Love you guys. All right, let's jump in. First question.
Hi. big fan, do you have any advice for young aspiring actors? Yeah, I'd say my advice is dream.
10 years ago, I was living in this crappy apartment in Hollywood. I swear, the roaches were the size of dogs. I've been there. But I said, one day I'm going to make it out of this dump. And I did. you can too. that's really powerful. Ok, next? yeah, question. this crappy apartment, which you speak of, does it happen to be, I don't know, 93 North Carson Avenue, apartment number six?
Yeah. Oh, well, ok.
I manage that property. and I thought it'd be fun to come see my old tenants' new film. I didn't realize I'd be sitting here listening to my uni get dragged to hell. Oh, my god, Tom, I'm sorry. I only meant to share that I had like a humble beginning. My bad, bud. yeah, 1,700 bucks from a one bedroom dishwasher in unit shared laundry.
But yeah, go ahead. go ahead. go ahead. What do I know? I've just been doing this for 30 years. I love the film though. Ok, let's try and keep the talk back moving. anyone else? I just got to ask, how did you memorize all those lines?
You know, if I'm such an evil guy, how come I gave you those Venetians for free? Oh, no, I never said you were evil. and what do You mean Venetians? the previous tenant left their Venetian blinds. and when you moved in, I left them there. Ok, well, thank you for leaving me the blinds, I guess.
You know, let's switch gears. Frankie brought a scene from the film. Ok, yeah, this is when my character finds out that Melissa is sick. And trigger warning, it's pretty intense.
Ok, what the hell? So as you can see, it's not the dump that he described it as. I mean, how many apartments in La have a shared pool? I don't know, like two thirds? Why are you doing this? well, you talking trash is ruining my business. you're the one showing the address. Look, the building was fine. there were just like a lot of weird people, you know, like that woman who slept on a raft in the pool. what was her name, Christine? actually, it's Christine. I only slept in the pool when my apartment would get too hot. you're here too? Yeah, I am. Tom got me a tick, and I didn't realize you'd be using your 15 Seconds of Fame to crap on my head. No, no, Christine, it's not that. See, I thought we all got along in the building, but I guess not for you. No, no, of course I did. there were tons of fun memories. and I loved the residents. name one. I don't know.
How about the gay guy, Richie, you know, the super fun, flamboyant, queeny guy? really? what a description. call me the F Slur while you're at it. by the way, only you and my pastor knew, so thanks for outing me, bitch. now you just outed Richie. you just outed Richie. nice one. Ok. you just outed Richie.
I'm sorry. I just mean, you know, it was a messy time in my life. like, I was getting dollar cheese sandwiches from this deli guy with a He-man haircut, and I was spending all day talking to my first agent, who looked like Voldemort. yeah, attack a small business owner. Boy, the only person acting like Voldemort is you. Why are all of you here? I'm sorry, ok?
Look, sometimes I exaggerate my struggle in Hollywood, but the truth is, my real struggle was in grade school. I got bullied. this mean kid named Jeff Stevens, he made my life hell. Oh, it looks like we have a question? Let me guess. it's my childhood bully, Jeff Stevens.
No, I'm his widow. Jeff was shocked yesterday. Oh, my God! and for the record, he was really sorry for bullying you. I'm sorry. he was shot yesterday, but you came to this today?
I don't know. just thought a Talkback would help distract me. Boy, was I wrong. Little guy, everyone, I'm sorry. it just really was a crappy apartment. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I should have brought everyone here. I shouldn't have. it's just they're managing. 93 North Curson is really hard. sometimes I feel like God cursed me.
Wow. go ahead. I really just wanted to enjoy an independent movie, but instead, I'm getting dragged to hell. Love to the film, though. |
TheOnion | White_House_Officials_Confirm_Malia_Obama_Now_Seven_Feet_Nine_Inches_Tall | The number of users who actually enjoy Facebook is down to four. Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, and Apple announces a new iPhone with the N-word on the back, knowing customers will buy it anyway. And now for the delayed and utterly thoughtless romantic gesture that is The Onion Week in Review.
The FBI announced today that it's found credible evidence regarding a possible terrorist attack on September 11, 2001, with officials saying two planes will be hijacked and flown into both World Trade Center towers, threatening the lives of thousands of people in the Lower Manhattan area 11 years ago. Officials say there is increased likelihood of a third hijacked plane being directed toward the Pentagon on the same day 132 months ago. The FBI says the plot was revealed through news footage of the burning twin towers, interviews with the victims' families, the 2006 Oliver Stone film World Trade Center, and an eight-year-old video of deceased Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden claiming he perpetrated the attacks. Details are still unclear. We do have evidence that suggests terrorists with small knives will board commercial jets and redirect planes toward their intended targets at approximately 8.40 a.m. on September 11, 2001. The Americans should not panic, as these threats are not something we take lightly.
According to patrons of the Boston Sports Club, a local man was forced to put on an embarrassing aerobic spectacle for the entire gym Thursday. Don't quit on me now. Five more. Eyewitnesses say the degrading little show went on for nearly 45 minutes, with the man reportedly being paraded around every section of the fitness establishment, doing everything his trainer commanded, like some sort of circus animal. I wish I could turn around and concentrate on my workout, but I can't help but keep watching. I can't wait to see what sad little drill he'll be forced to do next. I mean, he has to know how ridiculous he looks.
Self-identified 9-11 truther Dennis Shaw told reporters Tuesday he's absolutely convinced the United States government has orchestrated an intricate plot to systematically destroy the last 11 years of his life. Shaw, who since 2001 has spent nearly every waking minute poring over footage of the World Trade Center attack and even handing out truther pamphlets every afternoon, says the government is behind the gradual collapse of his personal and professional life, adding that the conspiracy quote goes all the way to the top. Before 2001, I'd see my friend Stephen Copley every couple of weeks, and now he won't even answer my calls. The fucking government got to him too. Think about it. My coworkers, my wife, my friends, everyone calling me crazy after September 11 and wanting nothing to do with me. What are the chances of that?
White House officials announced today first daughter Malia Obama is now seven feet, nine inches tall. Sources say that while the president's 14 year old daughter has always been a relatively tall child, she now towers over her father and mother along with all secret service agents and is expected to be over 10 feet tall by the time she turns 18.
In other news, Google's 9-11 homepage design stirs controversy. Mitt Romney reaches out to young voters with a laser tag pizza party and an area man can't imagine his life without this woman. Before you were watching online weekly news recaps, we remember when you were but a small child innocently playing stick ball with your friends on Courtland Avenue. Feels like so long ago. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
TheOnion | Jaguars_Hoping_To_Impress_Florida_State_Football_Scouts_Attending_Game_Sunday | Owner's box brought to you by Lenovo you need a computer to play fantasy football might as well be this one Let someone wash your feet while you sample the shrimp buffet You're inside the owner's box and we're talking Perry's week five locked and loaded picks Expect big numbers from the Jaguars this week as they try to impress Florida State football scouts attending their game against the Steelers Sunday This is their one shot at making it out of the Jacksonville organization folks And that's why my locked and loaded pick of the week is the Jags offense defense and special teams Perry says consider this Florida State is coming off a national championship season and routinely sends players to successful NFL Franchises like the Denver Broncos Chicago Bears and New England Patriots If you're a Jacksonville player with dreams of playing football on a professional level this Sunday is make or break one exception Perry followers Do not start Alan Hearns the up-and-coming wideout already verbally committed to the Seminoles and is taking a campus tour to check out Jimbo Fisher's program firsthand this weekend later, Washington safety brand and Meriwether promises a sick kid He will put at least two players on a stretcher against the Seahawks Monday |
cracked | nov_29th_news_on_cracked_christina_aguilera_cancer_risks | It's Thursday, November 29th, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi Lex! A new medical report found that CT scans, a super x-ray used to find growths in the human body that cause cancer, could cause cancer. The report was published in this month's journal of Jesus H. Christ, Cancer is Such a Little Bitch. Great journal, by the way, I read that one and Ladies Home. The owner of a crowing rooster in Italy has been fined 200 euros after neighbors complained the cock was waking them up too early. In related news, my wife is finding me 200 euros.
Astronomers reported the confirmation of several developing so-called teenager galaxies. Galaxies so young and faint, it's hard to see them at all. Once discovered, the galaxies appear just long enough to tell the scientists to shut up, go away, and quit trying to run their lives.
For a look at the weather, let's check in with Dan O'Brien. Dan? Hey Lex! Go fuck yourself! Okay, thanks Dan, and again, let me just say I am really sorry I raped your grandmother. A study released Wednesday by the Mental Health Association of America ranks Utah as the most depressed state in the nation. That's very sad. On the bright side, you can tell that Florida is pretty happy to see you. Hey, keep it in your landmass there, Florida. Jeez.
A new study shows that American obesity rates are holding steady for the first time in decades. So congratulations America, we're so fat we can't get any fatter.
Reach for comment. Obesity researcher and scientist Augustus Gromper told Cracked, Mmm, mmm, can't comment, eating ding-dongs, mmm. Richard Roberts, former president of Oral Roberts University, announced that God has forced him to resign, after previously stating that God told him to deny the seemingly true allegations plaguing his administration. In a related story, God has told the News on Cracked to report that Richard Roberts is a goddamn douchebag. True story by the way.
A pregnant Christina Aguilera posed for the cover of Marie Claire magazine, partially nude and tremendously pregnant. Aguilera's fetus has filed a lawsuit citing public defamation and breach of privacy.
That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. You can go back to your porn now. We'll see you Friday. |
cracked | does_terminator_2_belong_in_video_stores_staff_picks | In 2023, when there is an exhausting amount of streaming services, it's safe to say that we all kind of miss video rental stores. There's been a slow-growing nostalgia for VHSs and rental store culture over the last few years. And with behind-the-scenes rights battles and HBO Max or Max or whatever they're calling it right now constantly removing movies and shows from its library, physical media has become more important than ever for the circulation of art. Movies like Andrzej Zalowski's Possession went decades without being available digitally, and as of this recording, Elaine May's classic The Heartbreak Kid is still nowhere to be found. Preserving films is the real importance of having a video store, and the main reason that my friends and I want to build one.
I'm Patrick Willems, and in this new show, I'll be teaming up with cult film archaeologist Danielle Radford, as well as many other filmmakers and experts, and we're going to curate the selection of hopefully the greatest video rental store the world has ever seen. Welcome to Staff Picks. Welcome to Staff Picks, the show where we hunt down VHSs, DVDs, and Blu-rays, trying to fill the shelf space of our video rental store evenly between the big-form movie genres. Each episode will focus on a specific genre, and a lot of us will have to unanimously decide one movie to be added to the Staff Picks video store collection. All right, so here we are.
We are at station one out here in Pompton Lakes, New Jersey, which is a store that has one of the largest used VHS slash DVD selections in the tri-state area to pick the first movie in our store's collection, because we are making a video store. An actual video store? An actual video store, where you can go in and put your hands all on stuff.
Yeah. Get your grubby mix on it. Touch it. I don't touch things anymore. Touch my VHS.
So I want to introduce our guests for this, and the upcoming episodes. Jonah Ray and Chinesha.
Jonah Ray, what was your local video store growing up? My local video store was Video Joe. It was this guy that just ran this video.
He wanted to start a coffee shop. What's his name, Joe? This is kind of part of the interesting part of the story, is that him and his partner wanted to start a store, but he really wanted to make a coffee shop. His partner really wanted to do a video store. They finally got the lease, and they were going to try and do a double thing, but his partner actually ended up dying tragically. So he named the place Video Joe in honor of him, and ran it until Blockbuster came into town, ran them out of business.
I wanted to work there so badly. I would go every Friday after school, see what was coming out, and he was always very, very good about telling me, he's like, I think you'll like this, which is the very important part of that experience, is that he's like, I think you'll like bottle rocket. I was like, we'll see. And I could never work there, though, because I was in high school, and they rented pornography. Wow. A lot of teenagers worked in my local video store, which had an over 18 section. Maybe I'm just realizing he didn't want to give me a job.
All right, folks. Today, we are picking for action. So I think it's time to look at our picks, our action movie picks, that we do not know what each person has selected.
And so I'm not going first. Jonah, you're a guest here, and you have the honor. As the guest, I'd rather not. Well, too bad. Isn't the guest always right?
The producers told me you go first. Right on. You got to respect the producers.
All right. So for action, my pick is OK. All right. OK. Don't know. Don't. All right.
OK, let's go into actually here. Just for now, I'm going to grab this Starship Troopers Starship Troopers. I did see that on my way out and was like, shit, maybe I should have picked that. I like that people are coming back around to it and reevaluating it.
People at the time thought it was just this, you know, big dumb action movie, but he was doing the same amount of social commentary and satire that he did with Robocop. This is basically an anti-fascist movie. It's the idea that like so like, you know, it's all pro war and about propaganda. It's about like, you know, colonization and all these people that seem to just be really Aryan. It's because, you know, they're all kind of basically supposed to be like, what if the Germans kind of kept on taking over the world? So it's a really it's a wild movie, has a lot to say, it's a lot to be talked about.
It also still delivers on sci-fi action and humor and just like big bugs. Yeah, big, big bugs.
And so that's that would be my pick because it does it like it delivers on different levels for an audience for a family to rent this, go home. Actually, it does have nudity in it. No, maybe not the family. But at the same time, kids, my parents would definitely play that.
You smash the entire area. You kill anything that has more than two legs.
You get me? I'm so glad I got the reaction from you.
So I know that this is a good possibility. It's in the running. Yeah, it's in the running. But let's see.
Chinese pressure. This is intense pressure.
What do you got? Honestly, I'm still not even sure which film goes into which category at this point. But I think I think I know what I want.
Galaxy Quest. One of the greatest Star Trek films of all time. I went with Galaxy Quest. So I almost I almost picked that one for comedy. So Galaxy Quest, that could be up there sci-fi. But comedy. Among the Star Trek contributions, this is probably among the best one.
Yes.
It's one of the best Star Trek movies. You're not even... And that's basically my pitch for it. It's one of the best Star Trek movies. This is a classic. It stands up to test the time. You could watch it today or 20 years ago, and you'd still love it. And it gets funnier every time I watch it. It's a great movie. It's the amount of amazing actors that are in it.
Just across the board, several Rockwells in there. Galaxy Quest, it handles because it's so easy when you do something that is a loving send up of tropes, especially when it's something as kind of silly and goofy as sci-fi tropes can be. That to be able to do it, and still you get the jokes, you get the humor, but it's still a movie. I am at the point now when it comes to meta-comedy, where I don't mind it if it's funny, but please stop apologizing to me for being a movie. Right. And I feel like a lot of movies these days spend a lot of their time apologizing to me for being what kind of movie it is. And this is so incredibly sincere while still being able to hit on the parody and really examining the tropes of the genre.
Chef's Kiss, great job. Yeah, I do have it. It's earnest, it's self-aware, and he probably won't like this, but I think it's one of Tony Shalhoub's best performances. He's very good at it.
It's great even if you, like when I thought as a kid, I was not really familiar with Star Trek, and I was just like, this movie is awesome. Did this film make you want to become a Star Trek fan? Are you a Star Trek fan?
Get out. I just get out. It's like a great shame of mine.
The first Star Trek thing I saw was the 2009 movie. I went back and then like watched other stuff, but like. But still, do you need to understand this now? Do you like Star Trek?
I. It has to be yes or no. It's true, yes. OK, then then, because that would truly get me. I do. Okie dokie. All right, we've gone now. OK.
Is it me? Danielle, I believe you are up. Well, I'm starting to see a pattern in the action movies that we've picked. Yes, I think this is. I'm going to go with Stargate. Wow. So this is a smile.
It's like sci-fi is not on one of the genre lists. Everything I was looking at, I was like, that's sci-fi. I would say everything sci-fi. Because sci-fi has this thing, it could be character driven or it could be action.
And I feel like we've leaned into that stuff. I would say it leans maybe a little more into the drama. But there is some great action. Part of it is for the time when it came out. I remember people being into it. But it wasn't the same as a new Star Wars or a new Star Trek or something like that. And then it found its home as a television show on cable. And spawned like 8,000 episodes?
Yeah, presidents. Presidents passed for as many Stargates as there were.
I always really appreciate when you take a movie. Because there's obviously so much world building that happens in this world's building. That it's impossible for them to cover it all in this one movie. So the fact that this was able to be a jumping off point for them to be able to explore all of the good work that they've done. Because you can feel the scaffolding of all of it and them just not being able to get there. This is what's wild.
If I was to say this first sentence on the back describing this movie, would you think it's from Stargate? When a mysterious woman makes Professor Daniel Jackson an offer he can't refuse, he ends up in a secret Air Force military base. And if you heard that where you go, oh, it's clearly Stargate. Guys, I have two really embarrassing things to say right now. One, I haven't seen Stargate. I have not seen it. Two, a friend literally recently loaned me their copy of Stargate.
And I could have watched it last night. Wow. And I'm just like, why didn't I just decide to watch it last night and I'd be so ready for this.
There's an episode in Deep Space Nine. This is Star Trek to been circling back. That is very much like Stargate. So if you don't want to dip your toe in before you get to Stargate, land there and see how you feel.
The main takeaway here is you really want me to watch. I'm just trying to open your world and make you a better person. I know, I know. I'm gonna watch it this weekend.
What a rush. Wait, am I up? Yes. Okay, all right. I don't feel like this is a... This almost seems too obvious. No, you can't set up like that. Start again. All right.
The best I've found so far is Terminator 2 Judgment Day. There's huge judgment day.
Oh, are you all doing this to me? This is one of those ones where I'm like, do I have to explain it?
No, you should, but no. Okay, so Terminator 2 is a film written and directed by James Cameron. It stars Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Maybe just get to why you like it. It's one of, I would put this in the 10 best action movies ever made. Here was my thought process with this, with all of this, because I'm like, okay, should the staff picks be like, not the most obvious thing that's like, oh, right, the most famous one. I'm like, should it be like the kind of thing that people might not immediately go to, but we're like, oh, look, we're the staff. We think you should consider it. So instead of doing that, you picked one of the biggest movies of all time. Yes, exactly. It is so popular.
It had a now gone Universal Studios attraction. Four sequels, a television show. Yeah, well, look, not as many TV shows and stuff as Stargate.
That's true. Also, Starship Troopers, a lot of directed video sequels there. That's true about the three or four. Yeah, the third one is back to basics. It is very good. Do they like bring back like the satire or is it just like straight? Okay. They bring back the satire and it is very much a parody of what was happening currently in American politics at the time. I was actually gonna say that's why this one is a really good choice. It's kind of timely because, you know, chat GPT is attempting to be the new Skynet. Exactly, exactly.
The gif of the skeleton exploding in fire is used on the internet countless times every single day, but it's also just like this is the action category. The action scenes in this in this movie are like all timers. It's action packed. It is. It's the thing that's like this annoying to James Cameron is like, okay, he's officially one of the great action filmmakers of all time.
And it inspired the go to animated gif for Homer Simpson, where he goes back and basically. Exactly. Which is weird because it's a reference of a reference. Right.
But like the effects still look awesome. Hold on, recently I was watching it on a, you know, like a blue ray and there is a shot where it's like, you know, the time bubble thing that they kind of come in through and like it took out some of the chain link fence and you see the glowing embers of the end, the hot metal around it in the blue ray version. You could see that it's just a deglo orange tape pieces. No, and it's that thing that makes VHS so great is that it kind of hides a little the inconsistencies like that.
I understand what you're saying about like I don't necessarily want to pick the most popular thing of all time. Look, there's a reason people want to visit the eight wonders of the world. Like I do think that it is definitely worth it to have some of these and turn me into just the fact that this man can just come in and make every sequel be perform as well, if not better than the original aliens.
I'm not sure. I thought we were talking about all the all the scenes. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just go ahead and say every part too. We're saying when James Cameron makes the scene. Yes. Fair. I want to clarify. I want to clarify because when you look at even with now with Avatar way of water, I can think of very few filmmakers who are like in order for this movie to make any money, it has got to pass like a billion two billion dollars. I do feel weird.
I'm like the only billionaire in the world that I root for ever is James Cameron. He's only in competition with himself now. But to that, yes, because Terminator two and James Cameron there's a monolith. It's like he's like he's one of the biggest filmmakers of all time. There's going to be no situation where no one could ever not see Terminator two judgment day.
That is true, which is a reason that I think it doesn't get on the staff. It is. I understand that.
There is also the thought thinking of, you know, our experiences being younger people going into video stores, discovering movies that way. And I'm like, look, I have, I have, you know, had those weird conversations with like Gen Z people where I'm like, oh, you haven't you haven't seen like Terminator two or these movies. I just assume everybody has seen like the hope for a video store is that it will help people discover new things. And even if it is such a giant blockbuster that every that we think everyone's familiar with. I'm like, yeah, I'm thinking about like the current 15 year old. That's a unique part of aging, especially for us is that we came up with the ubiquity of access and information, but also that it was still new and fresh for us. And now we're like, of course you know all of the music that I know all of the movies that I know can now they have even more access and information.
They're like, what the hell is this just came out. This just happened. This is now like this.
This time he's back. For good.
Trust me. Okay, if we're making the choices, this is tough. And again, I haven't seen the target. I'm so sorry. I will.
My one kind of criteria for action is I think it has to have at least a great like action scene. I would 100% vote Galaxy Quest for comedy for action. I'm like I'm struggling to to like remember like the whole shoot out scene where he kills the alien at the end.
I mean, I'm sure, but that's not like it's not that wild of an action. It's yeah, sure. There's things moving on camera. There's a scene with the ship when they come in and I believe it's like Justin Long is helping kind of do the airplane thing. Yeah, yeah, that's like not like a set piece. That's not like it's, you know, that's just a thing. I'm not saying there's no action. I'm just like if we're listing the genres, I would have like action a distant third to comedy and sci-fi. Here's the thing.
I would endorse anyone bringing back Galaxy Quest. Honestly, if you wanted to just bring it back as your comedy pick, I very likely might vote for that. Well, so I also really do love Terminator 2. So this is actually my vote.
Yeah, think about Terminator 2. It is a sequel. So it's like if you want it to stand on its own as like a movie with I mean, not that you really have to know what happened in Terminator. Right. And then there's some context clues here that I think there are. I mean, again, there is the cool opening prologue.
And maybe, which, this is a really rough one because I'm real stuck between Starship Troopers and Terminator 2. This is this is my I need to split the baby in half. This is my Sophie's choice. Oh, you know, you're going to watch Starship Troopers at any point, right? It's going to be a thing that you love. Yes, it'll be a pick for you at any time. But if you knew that you had to make sure someone walked out with a new favorite film, what would you tell them to watch? See, and this is where it gets very difficult because as much as I do, enjoy Terminator 2 Judgment Day.
That is a Sunday TBS dad movie movie. Oh, yeah. And you know what I mean? Like movies for dads that like movies. Exactly.
It's going to come on right after Sharshank Redemption. Most importantly, because you will see a Starship Troopers sometimes because of the way that Terminator 2 was shot. It's not going to get nearly as butchered on the TV. So that's still kind of a satisfying experience was with Starship Troopers. You put that thing on basic cable, and it's you're missing a lot of what's happened.
You really are. Yeah, we're doing this. We're down to Tuesday. This is a case where I really don't mind between either one of these.
So the thing is about it's like, again, Terminator 2, it's iconic. It's it's great. Even if someone hasn't seen it, they'll probably just know about it.
You know, through. Whoa. Oh, oh, you know, oh, can you do that? Our own like, yeah, you're like, are you taking this out of the running?
What if I still like this one? We both like this one. We actually all four of us love this one.
Some kid comes up to the counter.
Hey, everyone says this is great. And you go, you know what? It is. Yep.
But have you ever seen the anti-fascist masterpiece?
He's going to hate me afterwards, though. There's a 50 50 chance they come back and like, fuck you, I'm never coming. I know that's when you tell them that's when you tell them you're wrong and you play up the whole asshole video.
Well, here's the thing. I think, you know, if you're like 13 and up and you watch this, even if you don't get any of the subtext or the satire, it just rules. And then you get older and then you see it for like in a whole new light. And, you know, you love it more.
So I'm really having a hard time conceding this one. I did not expect someone else to fight harder than me for my own pick. Listen, I love it. I'm competitive. Even if it's not mine, I'm a ride or die. You're trying to celebrate his pick so he goes and watches Star Trek.
Look, there is a quid pro quo here. That is true. Look, okay. Okay.
Especially, I think that that aged fantastically. Have you shown this to people who've never seen it before recently? No. It's a wonderful experience. They aren't ready for what this thing is. And it's so much fun to watch. Thinking of the idea of staff picks, I have to concede that Star Trek Troopers, I think is, it's not like, again, it was a very expensive movie released by a major studio. This is not like a weird little underground pick, but it's also one that your average 15-year-old has not seen, but needs to.
I won! You know, going in, I really felt like... Could you do a really slow zoom on that? It's got boobs in it. Oops. Can you play the audio of the guy shouting nuke at Rico and then have like fire up here over his face?
That's it. We did it. We nailed it.
What a good episode. That was nice. That was good, right? That was fucking nice. That was good. Yeah.
Let's do it three more times. So I think the lesson here is we like sci-fi movies. Is sci-fi the best genre for action? We are nerds and we are constrained by the limits of whatever video shop we've walked into. And yes, I think it is the best genre for caring. It is.
But yeah, going back there, you know, I went in really wanting to pick a Jackie Chan movie and then they didn't have any of the Jackie Chan movies that I wanted to pick. I wanted Fist of the White Lotus.
That's an action movie. There you go. It's like even like Bullet with Steve McQueen. Great. It's like that's an action movie, but you know, compared to this, it's the most boring movie ever made about like, you know, 20 hubcaps that fly off a car in San Francisco. But when that flies off, it's good. It's really good. |
SaturdayNightLive | linsanity_on_new_york_sports_now_snl | Welcome to New York Sports Now, I'm Dan Mardell. thanks for reporting on Nick's point guard number 17, Jeremy Lin and the Lin sanity surrounding him. Now, despite the Nick's loss in New Orleans, the Big Apple is still in the middle of a Jeremy Lin-vasion. Fellas, do you have Lin Sanity? Hey, you better lock me up. I mean, I am criminally Lin-sang. Oh, yeah. my feelings are Lin-tense. it's Lin-describable. I mean, I am Lin-erally Lin-love with this Jeremy Lin. we can all agree, we'll never get tired of Lin-buns. Well, as Charlie Sheen would say, Lin-im. that's another thing we never got tired of. Yeah. Now, with all the talk swirling around Lin, some of the discussion has gotten racially charged. we've seen derogatory comments from Fox Sports' Jason Whitlock and Espn.com. the bottom line is, the kid's a great basketball player, and Ray says nothing to do with it. The New York Post says he's amazing. hilarious. hilarious. he said it better myself. hilarious. I mean, he's unstoppable. he's like that sign said in Wednesday's game, Lin is the next good fortune. he's sweet, not sour. he turned Kobe into Kobe beef. Yeah.
And Kobe's like, hey, I ordered fried chicken. hey, yo, what's up with that, man? what's up with all that, man? what's up? Say chicken. No, I want to say chicken. come on, Joe.
Joe, we've raced out of this. fellas, Jeremy Lin had some amazing moments this week. what were some of your favorite Lin-sidences? Well, I'd say it was in the fourth quarter against the Lakers. Lin goes to the corner, and me love you long time, six of three. Hey, I got to say, Nick's Raptors last Tuesday, five seconds left. Lin goes to the top of the key, and whacks on, whacks off, Mr. Miyagi. game-winning shot.
Absolutely. I'd pick the Nick's Kings when Lin passed it to Mare Stoudemire. Stoudemire was dancing like Moripovich just told him, you are not the father. yo, what's up, son? what's up with me, man? he was not dancing. I'm just finding the line. If he was, I bet he was saying, domo Oregato, Mr. Linbato. Now, that's funny. that's funny.
And that's why today the sports world is tolerant. he's doing the Lin Dynasty. New York Sports now. Cut out with Jeremy Lin last Tuesday. let's take a look. yeah, we talked about. It was a great honor to throw the ball today. the court was large, and they're made tall like stones. soon we battle Dallas, and I will try my tiger claw technique.
Go! Oops. I'm going to switch the audio. that person will be reprimanded. You know, I think there's something glaring that we are all overlooking. I mean, what's going to happen when Carmelo Anthony comes back? he likes Chinese in his Msg. see what I did there?
Yeah. yeah, I saw that. I saw that.
Hey, Carmelo's going to see Lin in the locker room and be like, excuse me, are we playing ping pong here? Well, he may not see him at all because my homie, Carmelo rolls in late. Yo, I'm going to tell you one more time. one more time. that's extremely offensive. the notion that an African-american man are late for work is an outdated and ignorant stereotype. I'm sorry, I thought we were having that kind of fun. Dan, back me up. I apologize to our viewers at home for the comments of Joe Dickson. they were Lin-sensitive and politically Lin-correct. he has been fired. In return, we'll talk Jeremy Lin with comedian Don Rickles and a crotchety World War Ii veteran. Live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Government_Bans_Vapes_Again_For_The_4th_Time_Nation_s_Aging_Emos_Now_In_Their_P_ | My name's Clancy Overill. I'm joined here by Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman and there's been a bit going on in the world.
Obviously there was the story of the Redacted who's been accused of Redacted over at least 40 years of Redacted, Redacted. We all thought that the Redacted would come out sooner, but Redacted is obviously protected by a lot of people, you know, like Redacted and Redacted. Yeah. I mean, it was bombshell to me. I had absolutely no idea that Redacted was accused of doing the things that he was accused of. I actually had no idea at first. I heard of it. I didn't think that Redacted would be capable of things like that.
No. Wow.
When you look at the career Redacted has had in the many different industries that Redacted's had power over, including Redacted, Redacted and Redacted, I mean there's had a lot of access to Redacted, Redacted. I think the biggest red flag was musical theater. That should have been Redacted. It really does make you think maybe The Fourth Estate, aka journalism and Redacted, maybe and the Redacted figures are maybe a little too close, which I don't know. Well, you know, you could argue that, you know, different media companies and media owners like Redacted and Redacted, it's in their best interest to make sure things like what's obviously happening now with Redacted don't come out because, you know, they've kind of sat on their hands a lot over the last 20, 30 years when it comes to media and media now makes a lot more money, not through traditional forms of reporting. It's actually, you know, people like Redacted and Redacted make a lot more money if they are closer with private business and the friends of private business like Redacted.
Well, I think that's the other thing, you just touched on media there. The greatest shame for me with this coming out this week is I think it's overshadowed the Fitzroy Garage party winning the greatest video of the year at the TikTok Awards. You know what I mean? Their name went up in lights on Wednesday night, I believe, and it was kind of just reward for them for what they did and what they achieved.
And then immediately on Thursday morning, Redacted comes out. With the accusations against Redacted. Well, the thing about TikTok is that it's probably eating away at the traditional media in this country. So this will probably be the last year, you know, those kind of milestones are overshadowed by traditional media figures or the demise of traditional media figures like Redacted. Let's hope so. Now, we'll kick off the news bulletin with a national story.
And the government has revealed plans to ban vapes for the fourth time, proving just how goddamn hard they are to quit. Yes, proving that they are just like us. The federal government is giving the vaping ban another go. And they really mean it this time, like, swear to God. From cool people, vapes or e-cigarettes are a hooker the size of a pan that produce a nicotine rich vapor that when inhaled, sends a tingling tremble down your body that helps everything just fuck off for a moment. Now, two governments into the war on vapes. New legislation going through parliament will mean steep fines and even prison sentences for vape importers as they attempt at their fourth piece of legislation to make vapes even more illegal than they are now. We'll see if it's fourth time lucky, I guess. I look forward to the war on vapes debuting on Triple J in a couple of years time.
Moving on to a story from the music world and the nation's aging emos have confirmed that they're now in their picnic blanket concert era. Yes, in humbling news for anyone who used to go to Soundwave, moshpits are smaller and picnic blankets are in. This news comes as former karang readers across the nation have been spotted over the last several months enjoying screamo tunes from the comfort of a Kmart picnic rug paired with a nice $14 glass of festival wine. With acts like Paramore, Evanescence and the Good Things Festival having just played on outdoor stages across the land, promoters have told The Advocate they've been forced to change concert layouts to meet the needs of aging fans whose needs can't take 10 hour stints jumping around anymore. As one festival organiser said, most of the psycho blokes that used to climb some stage rigging to backflip into the crowd have really mellowed out, some now just stand by the trees and watch on, nodding casually.
Effie Bateman, a screamo music fan, she's taken it to the next level. She's gone to one of those cool cabana things. She actually sets one of those up out the back at the Batuda Good Things Festival last weekend. She was spotted sitting in the shade enjoying a nice glass of wine on a picnic rug. She was wearing chair pants as well. Yeah, it'll be the camping chairs next year for Effie. Yes, moving on down south to a story which has captivated the nation's attention this week.
It's the absolute shit show that is the traffic in Sydney and it's been revealed that spending 10 years trying to ban greyhounds and nightclubs doesn't actually help anyone's commute. Yes, it seems that allowing fundamentalist Christian voices and property developers to take the reins of the state government for an entire decade has actually left New South Wales in a state of irreversible chaos. This was confirmed last week with the opening of the New Roselle Interchange, also known as the Spaghetti Junction, which has caused major traffic jams for commuters coming into the CBD from the engine room suburbs out west. The unforeseen inner west gridlock has turned the areas surrounding the Anzac Bridge into a car park and more importantly is now affecting the important people from harbour suburbs, which means that the government must address the issues. Obviously questions have been asked about how no one saw this coming. However, the New South Wales government have come out to defend themselves saying that none of these problems could ever have been identified until the interchange was officially opened because they've spent the last 10 years focusing all of their political capital and energy on restricting the weekend's activities of young people and punters.
Finishing up with some local news now and a caravana has prepared to drive slightly above the speed limit just as the overtaking lane approaches. It's a common occurrence on local roads and the culprit this time around was Wallace Goink from Batutta Ponds. The old man wearing a crushable leather hat has confirmed that he's always prepared to drive slightly above the speed limit whenever there's an overtaking lane coming up because simply he just doesn't want anyone to get past him. That kind of behaviour does often lead to people driving erratically, which when asked about it Wallace said this, Oh Christ, we had a young man overtake us this morning and throw the battery out of a dolphin torch at us as he hooned past.
Scared the daylights out of my wife and Penny, our morbidly obese corgi. Geez, no cost of living crisis for that Ford Raptor driver throwing dolphin batteries away. Not too cheap at all. That was the biggest stories from the Batutta Advocate this week.
Hope you have a good weekend and we'll be back next week with our weekly bulletin. Bye-bye. See you later. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_csi | You're watching Leap Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Dominic Derkus and D.C. Pearson from Derek Comedy and Pat Castles. Derek Comedy has a movie mystery team and people should go to DerekComedy.com and demand the movie come to their town. Coincidentally we have a bit of a mystery ourselves in the form of CSI Deadly Intent.
Is it showing us our like crime solving weapons right now? Like instead of in other games where you get like a rocket launcher and this one we get an Integra swab. I'm so excited. Would you like to update your swab? You can upgrade it.
Killed on your wedding night. Even for Vegas. That's a quickie marriage. Well, it's like the priest says, till death do you part. Our quip count is at two. Yeah.
What do you think?
Looks like she bled out. That seems useless. Looks like she bled out.
We all know that. Maybe we should go talk to that witness. Where does the game make you jump through these hoops? There's only one option but they're like, we want to make you ask. There's nothing else you can do. Yeah. Go ahead and ask it. Are you sure?
Maybe we should just not talk to him. Stare him down. Charles Steer. I'm the night manager. He did it. Sorry if I'm a little freaky. What button do you press to bash his head through a glass table?
Yes. That's the CSI game I want. I want the shield of the game. Yeah. I want this looking around. I want like chasing the guy down and putting a knee in his back and planting drugs on him. The game.
Some kind of glass or plastic lodged in the neck. What is it? Is it glass or plastic? No way to know for sure.
Your tool case consists of four main sections. Wow. All right, tutorial. This is super boring.
I really wish that every, like the first thing we said to every character was, looks like she bled out. Yeah. You've already, I really like these little icons for the dialogue choices like do you have you taken any fingerprints yet? What about a cause of death? And over here, you know, the old sexual trauma icon. Have you seen 28 days later yet? Looks a little bleached out in that spot. I think it was. Fluids?
We don't need to make a mold of that. Don't tell me what we don't need to make a mold of. I want to make a mold of the carpet.
I like doing deliberately dumb things because like they've only recorded it in one pleasant way. So it's just being patronized. Yeah. We don't, they don't do molds of carpets. I like to imagine the world of this game, if it were real, like him then leading you away from the carpet saying like, go over here and play with your sandwich. I think if there's a lesson here, it might be that not every show should be a video game. Even if there seems to be intrigue and dead bodies in it, it doesn't mean you got to put it next time.
And crime doesn't pay. And of course crime doesn't pay.
And in the case of this bleep bloop, not every video game that's a show should have a show about it. Right. Because sometimes you cancel the case. Oh, bleep bloop.
The video game about people playing this video game would be amazing. It would be no more or less boring than this. There wouldn't be semen everywhere, though. |
TheOnion | SPONSORED_New_Video_Game_Horrifying_For_Anyone_Who_s_Never_Experienced_Terror_Of_Real_Life | Horror fans are looking forward to the video game, The Evil Within, which hits shelves this week. Our own Chad Williams got a chance to look at the game and says it's absolutely terrifying if you're a huge wuss who has never experienced real fear. The Evil Within is a game about a police officer trapped in a nightmarish abandoned asylum. Chris Hennigan from Bethesda gave us a sneak peek of the game and tried to convince me, an adult man, to be scared of a bunch of made up images on a TV screen. The Evil Within is absolutely terrifying.
You're never safe and have to think on your feet to avoid being killed. Oh my god, so the monsters are going to come out of the TV and kill me? No, they stay on the TV. I have to think on my feet or the monsters will... what?
Take all the money out of my daughter's college funds? No. Because that's what scares me. How am I going to pay for all that? Can you tell me that? I can't.
Is there a part where the player confronts the horrors of getting older? The game is full of pretend monsters that scream at you. But unlike when your wife screams at you, you don't end up sleeping in a hotel for a month. Here's a gameplay tip. When the blood ghosts chase you, turn off the TV and the monsters go away. Chris told me how the game keeps the suspense high. You do have guns, but often they can't do more than slow the enemy down. For most of the game, you're totally trapped.
Sort of like my house. I have two mortgages, and I look at the place, and I start panicking, and I'm like, who am I? Is this what I really wanted? Do you want a home? I don't.
As I walked all around this virtual haunted house, I was sweating the whole time because I'm pretty sure my son is autistic and I have no clue how to deal with that. The chainsaw wielding demons of the evil within proved a calming respite from the unyielding terror of normal life. I highly recommend the evil within for any horror fan that has no real problems and is frightened by make-believe.
Back to you, Michael. Thanks Chad. I once fought in a war, so I find the idea of paying to be scared shameful. Next up, Apple introduces its first 15 foot long communal iPad. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_inception | Inception Christopher Nolan's iconic thriller about a bunch of lazy idiots who do nothing but sleep all the time was a box office hit that blew audiences away. Here's some behind the scenes trivia that will change the way you watch Inception forever. The original script for Inception was written entirely in Portuguese and was only translated to English after market research showed that American audiences generally prefer watching films in English rather than Portuguese. Here's a fun little Easter egg. Nolan set this scene in Paris as an homage to Paris, the city where the scene was filmed. If you can steal an idea from someone's mind, why can't you plant one there instead? When the movie first came out, some viewers were confused by the film's many layers of dream sequences, but it's actually quite simple.
The first dream level takes place in a city and is this person's dream about how frustrating it can be to hail a cab when it's raining. The second level takes place inside the mind of this fan falling off a bridge. The third level is this giant gun's dream about going on a relaxing ski vacation with his girlfriend. And the fourth level is just a heavy-handed metaphor for ageism in the workplace.
Come back so we can be young men together again. Pretty neat. To get Leonardo DiCaprio's realistic reaction in this scene, Nolan told him that he was a handsome little fella. Thank you. To train for this iconic scene, Joseph Gordon-Levitt learned how to walk when he was just 11 months old.
Check out this production goof. You might not have noticed, but the background of this scene is completely out of focus. And it happens again here, here, and here. Someone definitely got fired for that.
If this is my dream, why can't I control this? Because you don't know you're dreaming!
All the bottles on the wall in this scene are filled with Leonardo DiCaprio's urine. These ones are from when he was healthy, and these are from when he was sick.
Pretty cool. Here's an interesting piece of trivia. The role of Ariadne was written for Lucille Ball, but she was unable to play the part due to the fact that she had died 20 years prior to filming. You may have missed it on your first watch, but Christopher Nolan is a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen, and he snuck some hidden messages into the film just in case the boss was watching. Well, what do you know?
Here they are again, sleeping all day long even though they presumably have jobs. These characters are the laziest people I've ever heard of, and they're starting to piss me off.
I'm still dreaming. Okay, here's a seriously cool Easter egg. The title Inception is itself an anagram for the words nice point, a subtle nod to the fact that the movie makes a nice point about the blurred nature of dreams and reality. So cool. Well, that's all the Inception trivia for now. Hopefully you learned something new about this sci-fi thriller that makes you want to experience it all over again. Thanks for watching! |
cracked | one_change_that_would_make_facebook_useable_again | Hey baby, I'm a person on the internet with an opinion about things written on this my Google Chromebook I'm also the Google Chromebook guy from those Google Chromebook guy commercials with the the songs, you know the So I Think it's okay to post too much about yourself on Facebook again, even like boring stuff It's okay now call me crazy But I found that all I see now on the Facebook's feed are articles and links and memes and things Shared from country to country all across the little notification globe and I know for a long while there was a running joke how editorializingly annoying it is when people post too many baby photos or oversharing their boring actions and everyday thoughts like Brenda is just found my spoon and Darren is Hey, who's anyone from mash? Also, what is Google apparently though that backlash kind of worked because all of that stuff is gone Instead of sharing in each other's likes and dislikes and lives and this lives we share which button are you on this jacket and think pieces about the time Bieber punched that orgy and I guess I'd like to propose that maybe it was better before and maybe it's okay to post too much about your baby Or what you had for breakfast Definitely. It's okay now. Just leave the websites at the door and just be ourselves about ourselves And post your baby photos and your baby's photos and photos of your whatever can you do with your time today? Instead of posting five greens that seven just post Starting brushing my teeth L then O then L again a short time later Maybe post in minute two of brushing my teeth instead of eight teeth, and I don't want to seem bossy I just think everyone would benefit from it It would be great to at least have the option of instantly filtering out all Links and content and viral and brand you can call it Facebook mode because it's the mode that has personal photos and basic information about people you know to varying degrees or Call it Facebook feed to go with the the feed thing you already have going no content Just people actually can can you change that in your settings? Probably can Probably pain in the ass though not gonna do it or better yet Facebook make it so shares Don't exist just put every piece of content every day in one place Users like and comment on them or I can click a button that gets rid of almost everyone and I can read only what my friends Have to say depending on their privacy settings so that I can chat with my friends or I can expand my cube and see my friends Friends comments or everyone's depending on their privacy, etc. Should have just said settings didn't save any time Get rid of the poke function Announce you're getting rid of it tomorrow and watch everyone poke everyone for a few hours Then it will be gone and literally nothing else will change if it's not already an option I doubt Facebook will do any of that if it is, it's probably a bad idea. So sorry about my idea So it's back to us We can't drown out the viral content with all of our babies But maybe we can lessen the branded noise that's drowning our babies Instead of posting some brands content for them or an interesting news article you want to discuss just just don't Treat yourself as content not some other Except this video Sorry, I guess if you're still here, sorry about all the Justin Bieber jokes I know it's very easy, but I also think mr. Bieber that you could easily be good You could be better than what you have but you choose not to be so yeah, that's why it's so easy Also, your music probably sucks. I don't even know if that's true I've heard one of your songs and all I know is it's gorgeous when it's 800 percent slower than what you intended An angel fallen from heaven Am I talking about so? You ever start a topic and you talk and then you sort of Spiral into this idea hole and then you sort of have to step back and you get back onto your topic But then you see this completely different idea hole over there and you fall into that and check it out and so on and just Just nothing ever really gets You know, and you're just like why not even can bring it up like why post anything? I'm sorry.
Just tell you how to act on Facebook. That's like Do what you want, okay, who I'm not someone to tell you obviously you should make your own choices Hey, thanks for watching the video I hope you share this with your friends and they share it with their friends and so on and so on and we get a real virus of a content going so please subscribe and Then click the like button if that's there or your current platform and time periods equivalent of a like button It's a thumb up or like a okay or just the word. Yes, click that and then in the comments Just let us know what you did today. However mundane. I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested |
cracked | 4_superhero_romances_that_were_gross_actually_canonball | These days, Marvel and DC can just get lovable goofball comedians to diet and exercise like they're training for the NFL Combine to make their millions. But before the Disneyfication of superheroes, they often had to rely on weird sex stuff. And I've got some real hairy action head your way. And that's what we're all about here. The bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable stories of love and lust that these publishing powerhouses once conjured up to titillate young Americans with disposable income. We're talking about the incredible, incestual Hulk, Swamp Thing's sex potato, and Superman's clever workaround for kissing your cousin.
This is cannonball. Number 4.
The Hulk only has eyes for his cousin. Hulk 2000, Volume 1 is a classic tale of a young man's confused, enraged horniness.
Stay straight. It's emo. It's problematic. It's basically Marvel's Pinkerton. God damn it. You have Japanese girls.
While 2008's The Incredible Hulk was brave enough to acknowledge that the slightest amount of friction on Bruce Banner's neater is enough to summon the Hulk like a genie, this story asks the question, what if the Hulk himself wants to get it in? The comic spends 15 whole pages showing the Hulk moping around, mourning the tragic, lonely life he's come to lead, and also trying to sell you Cheez-Its. When we finally meet his cousin, She-Hulk, she's also sad in some kind of psychic solidarity with He-Hulk, which is an important lesson for hormonal young boys out there. If you keep your feelings to yourself, the women in your life will intuit what's wrong and make it all better. And that's exactly what She-Hulk will spend the rest of this comic trying to do. When Hulk throws a giant temper tantrum in Central Park, She-Hulk suggests that maybe she can reason with this living embodiment of senseless, uncontrollable rage.
Vision helpfully mentions his new technique of looking stuff up on the internet. According to Monkey Science, Hulk is simply a horny baboon. Like many primates, he's trying to assert dominance by beating up his rivals, and also his potential mates. When it becomes clear that he sees She-Hulk as his only potential mate, Vision bravely decides that this isn't his problem, saying, quote, They both share the same genetic traits. Perhaps only they can intuit how best to resolve this. Look, man, if you want to talk genetics, humans share 44% of their DNA with bananas. If a crazed banana was hellbent on porking me in Central Park, I would hope my co-host, co-workers would step in. She-Hulk's approach to resolving this is to overtly seduce him, then let him down easy with those classic lines we've all heard before.
You're not my type, and you're my cousin. Kevin, I'm not happy with what's happening in my story.
Hulk whines about how smart and strong he is, and then resumes his temper tantrum, which, by the way, started with smashing a cop car. Iron Man is like, maybe we should stop this horny, angry idiot before you kill somebody? But She-Hulk basically says, no, he's got blue balls of rage, and he might get sick if he doesn't go dropkick the Bronx.
You can see this whole thing playing out in a state school frat house. Angry bro makes a scene. The object of his affection tries to settle him down. Everyone else justifies looking the other way while he punches a hole in the wall. I guess there is more harmful frat trope behavior that a hero could engage in.
DC, maybe you'd like to try your hand? Number three.
Swamp Thing grooms a teenager and then doses her. Abigail Arkane is the daughter, the niece, and the ex-wife of Swamp Thing's various nemeses. She and Swamp Thing shared over 10 years of adventures before her human husband finally croaked and they could be together once and for all. Daddy issues aside, the real problem is that Abigail was 17 the first time Swamp Thing saved her in 1973's Swamp Thing number three.
I'm not even going to bother looking up the age of consent in Transylvania. I'm just going to say this.
Swamp Thing, you're on thin ice, buddy. You are amazing. Fast forward to 1982's Swamp Thing number 34.
A 29-year-old Abigail is visiting her bikomad husband on his deathbed when a moist ficus in the hospital lobby catches her eye. She's made up her mind. She is going to fuck the Swamp Thing.
To his credit, he explains that boning him, quote, would be unpleasant for you. She insists they don't need to have a physical relationship as long as they have each other.
And he starts to panic. He paces into the filthy, stagnant water and grunts out a sex potato from his heart. She agrees this is already quite unpleasant, but agrees nonetheless to take a bite of his hideous tuber if that's what he's into. He neglects to mention that she's about to trip absolute balls. She starts having vivid and beautifully rendered hallucinations where she appears to wear Swamp Thing like a goddamn power loader and even fucks the very earth itself.
Oh, in case you were wondering, Swamp Thing's kisses taste like lime. And his vegetable testicles taste like cardamom.
It's only after their orgasmic trip is over that the really dark stuff begins. Despite the morally dubious foundation of this relationship and this particular sexual encounter, it's actually Abigail who gets in trouble with the law. In a later issue, she's charged with cruelty to nature for her part in this filthy, psychedelic orgy. As their relationship progresses, things only get worse.
They want to have a kid, so Swamp Thing pilots his human friend's meat body to boink a baby into her belly. She wakes up one day to find Swamp Thing spontaneously mimicking her pregnant body. He then gives birth to a baby version of himself and then makes the conscious decision to become the infant son of his once lover. For some reason, she accepts his decision, at which point he spontaneously becomes adult Swamp Thing once more. This isn't to say that DC is actively encouraging learned helplessness and other man-baby behavior, but this particular couple isn't exactly providing a strong model of a healthy relationship.
Maybe Superman has a stronger moral compass. Number two, Superman will only settle down for his cousin. God damn it. 1938's Action Comics number 289 makes no bones about its incestual, pedophilic undertones with Superman's 16-year-old first cousin saying, quote, the woman he is finally going to wed looks exactly as I will when I grow up. Right there on the cover. To clarify, Supergirl worries that Superman will never choose a wife and will end up alone forever.
She takes it upon herself to orchestrate a woman hunt across space and time, first trying to hook him up with famous women in history. When that doesn't work, she pulls some Ghost of Christmas Future shit, successfully goading Superman to hook up with Saturn Girl. Only in the future, where she's ever so slightly less girly. That one doesn't work out either. And Supergirl comes clean about her matchmaking scheme. Superman had previously claimed that his whole reason for embracing bachelorette is so that he can devote his life to defending Earth. Well, it turns out that's not entirely true.
The reality is that he totally, definitely, exclusively wants to marry his cousin, who again is 16. He launches into a suspiciously lengthy diatribe about how rubbing on your cousin is both OK and not OK? See, it's illegal on Krypton, where they're both from, but he makes sure to point out that it is legal in some countries right here on Earth. And he explains all this while lustily thumbing her chin, like he's about to devour her head like a heap of hamburgers. So it's not a leap to say, this dude was hoping to smooch his second teenager of the day.
But Supergirl doesn't want better. She hops on the computer and quickly finds a slightly older, practically identical version of herself on a distant planet somewhere. Ignoring all the crime on the planet he swore to protect, Superman barrels through space to go tongue kiss the carbon copy of the girl he probably babysat at some point. At times, it almost feels like Supergirl pulled a dick chainy here, offering to find the right person for the job and discovering, what do you know, she was the right person all along. But despite her odd fixation with Superman's love life, there's no indication that she harbors any kind of crush whatsoever. Superman was the one who made it weird with his well-rehearsed justification of cousin-loving. And she responds by immediately finding a literal decoy and getting him to scurry off to another galaxy.
I'd say watch your daughters, but unless you've got some Kryptonian blood in you, you're probably safe. If, on the other hand, you happen to be an Avenger, you may want to keep an eye on your sons.
Number one, Ms. Marvel gets Stockholm syndromeed by her infant son. Tell me if you've heard this one before. An inexplicably naked young man strikes up an amorous relationship with a maternal figure who goes to great length to explain that she's not technically his real mom. Yeah, Marvel was pumping out classic porn storylines at least as far back as 1963. So we're still doing that. Avengers number 200 is an unfortunate tale of the time Ms. Marvel fell in romantic love with her son on the day he was born.
Hold your judgment, though. She's somehow not the villain of this story. It starts off with the Avengers returning to their mansion to find Ms. Marvel fully eight months pregnant. She insists that she's only been pregnant for three days, and furthermore, she hadn't even boned anybody. A weird thing to tell your coworkers for sure.
But easier than describing the truth, she was immaculately concepted while on an airplane over New Jersey. What's in New Jersey?
While her fellow Avengers run around doing some sitcom uncle shit. This miracle child starts rapidly aging because there's no time to waste when incest is the game. He's a grown man by the time she finally sees him, at which point she's as surprised as any of us to find she's a little bit horny for him. The man child who names himself Marcus explains that he's, in fact, the son of Immortus, one of the super-est super-villains out there. See, Immortus ruled over limbo, which exists outside of time. He got horny one eternity and kidnapped a human woman.
It's fine, she was about to die on the Titanic. Everybody's feeling fine because it's party time.
He forced her to bear his child and raise it on a little time island inside of limbo. It's fine, he used his machines to make her fall in love with him. Eventually, though, thanks to some time-related conundrums and shenanigans, Marcus' mother drifts back to Earth and his father disappears entirely. A couple eternities later, Marcus realized that he too had become a bit horny and followed in his father's footsteps. He kidnapped Ms. Marvel and, with a little help from his dad's forced consent machines, got her pregnant with, once again, a fetus version of himself. By the way, that's the implied backstory of all borderline incest porn.
After finally hearing why the hell she just speedran pregnancy, Ms. Marvel declares, quote, I think that might be a relationship worth giving a chance and agrees on the spot to go back to limbo with this slime ball. Well, she's obviously being mind-controlled and surely the Avengers intervene, right? I mean, it's a little uncool that they all ogled her while her infant son was crowning and then they repeatedly asked if her was okay. But when it really mattered, they all stepped up and, oh, actually they helped her abuse her, isolate and kidnap her. Yeah, before any of the women could return and weigh in on the situation, Thor immediately hand delivers the new couple back to limbo while Iron Man and Hawkeye agree that, yep, everything probably worked out for the best.
Great work, fellas. I'm sure Scarlet Witch and the Wasp will understand when you explain that you just ushered your coworker off to another dimension with the adult baby you just met all so he wouldn't have to spend another eternity not porking. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and let us know in the comments if you know of any tips or tricks for hooking up with your cousin. Lesson for hormonal young boys out there. If you keep your feelings to yourself, the women in your life will intuit what's wrong and make it all better.
And that's exactly what She-Hulk will spend the rest of this comic trying to do. When Hulk throws a giant temper tantrum in Central Park, She-Hulk suggests that maybe she can reason with this living embodiment of senseless, uncontrollable rage. Vision helpfully mentions his new technique of looking stuff up on the internet. According to monkey science, Hulk is simply a horny baboon. Like many primates, he's trying to assert dominance by beating up his rivals and also his potential mates. When it becomes clear that he sees She-Hulk as his only potential mate, Vision bravely decides that this isn't his problem, they both share the same genetic traits, perhaps only they can intuit how best to resolve this. Look man, if you wanna talk genetics, humans share 44% of their DNA with bananas. If a crazed banana was hell bent on porking me in Central Park, I would hope my coworkers would step in. She-Hulk's approach to resolving this is to overtly seduce him, then let him down easy with those classic lines we've all heard before.
You're not my type and you're my cousin. Kevin, I'm not happy with what's happening in my story.
Hulk whines about how smart and strong he is and then resumes his temper tantrum, which by the way, started with smashing a cop car. Iron Man is like, maybe we should stop this horny angry idiot before you kill somebody? But She-Hulk basically says, no, he's got blue balls of rage and he might get sick if he doesn't go drop kick the Bronx.
You can see this whole thing playing out in a state school frat house. Angry bro makes a scene. The object of his affection tries to settle him down. Everyone else justifies looking the other way while he punches a hole in the wall. I guess there is more harmful frat trope behavior that a hero could engage in.
DC, maybe you'd like to try your hand?
Number three, Swamp Thing grooms a teenager and then doses her. Abigail Arkane is the daughter, the niece, and the ex-wife of Swamp Thing's various nemeses. She and Swamp Thing shared over 10 years of adventures before her human husband finally croaked and they could be together once and for all. Daddy issues aside, the real problem is that Abigail was 17 the first time Swamp Thing saved her in 1973's Swamp Thing number three.
I'm not even gonna bother looking up the age of consent in Transylvania.
I'm just gonna say this, Swamp Thing, you're on thin ice, buddy. Swamp Thing, you are amazing. Fast forward to 1982's Swamp Thing number 34.
A 29-year-old Abigail is visiting her Bekomad husband on his deathbed when a moist ficus in the hospital lobby catches her eye. She's made up her mind. She is going to fuck the Swamp Thing.
To his credit, he explains that boning him, quote, would be unpleasant for you. She insists they don't need to have a physical relationship as long as they have each other, and he starts to panic. He paces into the filthy, stagnant water and grunts out a sex potato from his heart. She agrees this is already quite unpleasant, but agrees nonetheless to take a bite of his hideous tuber, if that's what he's into. He neglects to mention that she's about to trip absolute balls.
She starts having vivid and beautifully rendered hallucinations, where she appears to wear Swamp Thing like a goddamn power loader, and even fucks the very earth itself. Oh, in case you were wondering, Swamp Thing's kisses taste like lime, and his vegetable testicles taste like cardamom. It's only after their orgasmic trip is over that the really dark stuff begins. Despite the morally dubious foundation of this relationship and this particular sexual encounter, it's actually Abigail who gets in trouble with the law. In a later issue, she's charged with cruelty to nature for her part in this filthy, psychedelic orgy. As their relationship progresses, things only get worse.
They wanna have a kid, so Swamp Thing pilots his human friend's meat body to boink a baby into her belly. She wakes up one day to find Swamp Thing spontaneously mimicking her pregnant body. He then gives birth to a baby version of himself, and then makes the conscious decision to become the infant son of his once lover. For some reason, she accepts his decision, at which point he spontaneously becomes a adult Swamp Thing once more. This isn't to say that DC is actively encouraging learned helplessness and other man-baby behavior, but this particular couple isn't exactly providing a strong model of a healthy relationship.
Maybe Superman has a stronger moral compass. Number two, Superman will only settle down for his cousin, god damn it. 1938's Action Comics number 289 makes no bones about its incestual, pedophilic undertones with Superman's 16-year-old first cousin saying, quote, the woman he is finally going to wed looks exactly as I will when I grow up. Right there on the cover. To clarify, Supergirl worries that Superman will never choose a wife and will end up alone forever. She takes it upon herself to orchestrate a woman hunt across space and time, first trying to hook him up with famous women in history. When that doesn't work, she pulls some Ghost of Christmas future shit, successfully goading Superman to hook up with Saturn girl, only in the future, where she's ever so slightly less girly. That one doesn't work out either, and Supergirl comes clean about her matchmaking scheme. Superman had previously claimed that his whole reason for embracing bachelors is so that he can devote his life to defending Earth. Well, it turns out that's not entirely true.
The reality is that he totally, definitely, exclusively, wants to marry his cousin, who, again, is 16. He launches into a suspiciously lengthy diatribe about how rubbing on your cousin is both okay and not okay. See, it's illegal on Krypton, where they're both from, but he makes sure to point out that it is legal in some countries right here on Earth. And he explains all this while lustily thumbing her chin, like he's about to devour her head like a heap of hamburgers. So it's not a leap to say, this dude was hoping to smooch his second teenager of the day.
But Supergirl doesn't want better. She hops on the computer and quickly finds a slightly older, practically identical version of herself on a distant planet somewhere. Ignoring all the crime on the planet he swore to protect, Superman barrels through space to go tongue kiss the carbon copy of the girl he probably babysat at some point. At times, it almost feels like Supergirl pulled a Dick Cheney here, offering to find the right person for the job and discovering, what do you know, she was the right person all along. But despite her odd fixation with Superman's love life, there's no indication that she harbors any kind of crush whatsoever. Superman was the one who made it weird with his well-rehearsed justification of cousin lovin'. And she responds by immediately finding a literal decoy and getting him to scurry off to another galaxy.
I'd say watch your daughters, but unless you've got some Kryptonian blood in you, you're probably safe. If, on the other hand, you happen to be an Avenger, you may wanna keep an eye on your sons.
Number one, Miss Marvel gets Stockholm syndromeed by her infant son. Tell me if you've heard this one before. An inexplicably naked young man strikes up an amorous relationship with a maternal figure who goes to great length to explain that she's not technically his real mom. Yeah, Marvel was pumping out classic porn storylines at least as far back as 1963. So we're still doing that. Avengers number 200 is an unfortunate tale of the time Miss Marvel fell in romantic love with her son on the day he was born. Hold your judgment though, she's somehow not the villain of this story. It starts off with the Avengers returning to their mansion to find Miss Marvel fully eight months pregnant.
She insists that she's only been pregnant for three days and furthermore, she hadn't even boned anybody. A weird thing to tell your coworkers for sure.
But easier than describing the truth, she was immaculately concepted while on an airplane over New Jersey. What's in New Jersey?
While her fellow Avengers run around doing some sitcom uncle shit, this miracle child starts rapidly aging because there's no time to waste when incest is the game. He's a grown man by the time she finally sees him at which point she's as surprised as any of us to find she's a little bit horny for him. The man child who names himself Marcus explains that he's in fact the son of Immortus, one of the superst super villains out there. See, Immortus ruled over Limbo which exists outside of time. He got horny one eternity and kidnapped a human woman.
It's fine, she was about to die on the Titanic. Everybody's feeling fine, cause it's fun at times.
He forced her to bear his child and raise it on a little time island inside of Limbo. It's fine, he used his machines to make her fall in love with him. Eventually though, thanks to some time related conundrums and shenanigans, Marcus's mother drifts back to Earth and his father disappears entirely. A couple eternities later, Marcus realized that he too had become a bit horny and followed in his father's footsteps. He kidnapped Ms. Marvel and with a little help from his dad's forced consent machines, got her pregnant with once again, a fetus version of himself. By the way, that's the implied backstory of all borderline incest porn.
After finally hearing why the hell she just speed ran pregnancy, Ms. Marvel declares, quote, I think that might be a relationship worth giving a chance and agrees on the spot to go back to Limbo with this slime ball. Well, she's obviously being mind controlled and surely the Avengers intervene, right? I mean, it's a little uncool that they all ogled her while her infant son was crowning and then they repeatedly asked if her was okay. But when it really mattered, they all stepped up and oh, actually they helped her abuse her, isolate and kidnap her. Yeah, before any of the women could return and weigh in on the situation, Thor immediately hand delivers the new couple back to Limbo while Iron Man and Hawkeye agree that yep, everything probably worked out for the best.
Great work, fellas. I'm sure Scarlet Witch and the Wasp will understand when you explain that you just ushered your coworker off to another dimension with the adult baby you just met. Also, he wouldn't have to spend another eternity not porking. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and let us know in the comments if you know of any tips or tricks for hooking up with your cousin. |
TheOnion | First_Openly_Gay_Racehorse_To_Compete_Sunday | And spectators at the Breeders' Cup World Championships this weekend will see the first ever openly gay horse to run in a major stakes race. Jean Ann Wharton takes us beyond the facts. At Santa Anita Park, many betters are counting on two-time Beaumont winner Fantastic Feet to take the Breeders' Cup. But it's newcomer ship's captain that has everyone talking. They see him at the head of the field and they think, there's no way that horse is gay. But he is. Trainer Gene Harris acknowledged the horse's sexual orientation in last week's Time magazine. He can no more change the fact that he's gay than he can that he has four hooves. There have been rumors of gay horses competing since the early days of thoroughbred racing. Flat Tire, Whirlybird, and Nor'easter were widely suspected to be homosexual, while the book out in the pasture revealed former Preakness champ Silver Dollar struggled to remain in the closet, going so far as breeding with mares to protect his secret.
What were your biggest concerns about ship's captain coming out? You know, the horses. I was worried how they'd react when they refused to ride in the same trailer as him. They'd buck and snort when we walked in the stable. Gaining the acceptance of other trainers and horses is only part of the battle. While many racing fans are commending ship's captain for his bravery, others aren't ready to accept the idea of a gay racehorse. It's getting a bad name on racing.
No, I don't think there should be anything like that. I think everything should be natural. It ain't right. I'm worried about all the other horses that are with them, that they're, you know, they have to eat together and they might get horse aids or something like that. There's an astonishing amount of ignorance out there.
I'll be in a stable with ship's captain and I'll hear a jockey say, that's so gay. And I'll think, I hope he can't understand human language. Despite the horses' high profile, Harris says ship's captain's priority is to race, not make a political statement. Ship's captain is here because he's fast, not because he's gay.
There are other gay horses. You know, people go out to a petting farm. There's gay ponies out there that they're petting. There's gay plow horses.
This is a part of the world. The latest odds on ship's captain winning the Breeders' Cup are 16 to 1, but don't count him out just yet. He's already overcome much greater odds just by being himself. From Beyond the Facts, I'm Jean Ann Wharton. Thanks Jean Ann. We'll all be watching to see how that gay horse fares. |
dropout | i_m_black_not_poor | He is the first president in modern history to have zero political or military experience, and he has no interest in helping the disenfranchised.
Ref, how do you feel about this? You must be more concerned than all of us. Yeah, that's a really good question. Well, I mean, obviously, I cause for concern, right? But my parents are a lot worse, so I still have hope. That is such a positive outlook, but all I feel is outrage. You know, how can we expect to progress as a nation if this is how we're treating our poor?
Right, but I mean, I'm not poor. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh my God, that was so rude. We know we're all rich in our own way. Yes. Rich in love. No, rich blood. Rich in stamp. Nope. See, no, I'm not poor. See, just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm poor.
Oh my God! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh my God.
I am not racist. Seriously, if anyone's poor, it's me. Exactly. Same, same. You know, we're not here to judge.
Pizza's here. So hungry.
How do you guys want to pay for this? Split it for me? Oh, yeah, totally. No, there's five of us, so five ways. You could pay if you could, Raph. You don't need... Seriously, dude. You got it. Like, get a phone card, call home, or whatever.
We work the same job. I can't talk to you guys anymore. Hey, Tramp. Oh, I'm sorry. I only have a dollar. I hope that's okay. God bless. What is wrong with all of you? I'm black, not poor. I have a 401K.
Jeez, how slow is that internet? They only have dial-ups.
Is it just like how your neighborhood works? I live a block away from you. It's crazy to think how different things can be just a block away. I think we'll find that gentrification is a bigger problem than any of us ever realized.
Mm-hmm. Tell me more.
Gentrification, now, these affluent people are coming in and they're pushing these poor people out of the neighborhood just because they think it's kind of cool. They're speaking from these people, these families. No longer afford to. I mean, that's the thing about the reality of the situation. It's these families, affluent people who've been pushing these poor people, pushed out of their own homes, pizzas. It's these people who think they've been there. You know, they're here to hear it. Cheer up, friend. Things are going to turn around. I'm not poor.
We can all see your toes sticking out of your shoes, dude. These are sandals. Act like you've never seen sandals before.
How did you even get in here? I found this keycard. Hey, we don't have to look at that. Forget this, man.
I'm going home. Oh. This hobo-bendle is a very expensive vitamin-urban outfitter. Hey, man, can you lend me $100? I'm queer, not rich. I thought I was dead, didn't you? My trapster thought I was. And now I'm heading right for you. In a matter of minutes, I'm a beaver. Come on.
Really?
Traffic is... It's like not even rush hour, and I'm... I have a thing to do, and I want it. It would be so... Go! |
dropout | emily_and_murph_present_hot_date_the_tv_show_full_episode | Hey guys, it's Murph and Emily coming to you from the floor of the most beautiful corner of our apartment We are releasing the first full episode of our hot day TV series right here right now lemonade style out of nowhere You can watch it on pop TV at November November 8th at 8 You can see this episode and the following episode right after a little double day in action. Yeah I love it. You're invited and we also just want to say thank you so much for your continued support And if you don't support us, um, do you should start please? Yeah, thank you a pop original series Wow new apartments really coming together I mean pretty much Murph I finished building the bed. Do you want to help me break it in? Yes, please Be gentle, I didn't follow the instructions and there's a lot of screws left over Oh, is this new?
Old actually. Like that did? Like I got it five years ago We weren't together five years ago.
My boyfriend at the time got it for me You're seducing me in another man's lingerie? First off it's my lingerie and second off What do you want me to do? Burn my underwear every time I break up with a guy?
Yeah, okay. Well, I don't really see the big deal because I washed it Oh, what did you wash off it? Look lingerie is expensive, okay I wear it twice a year for like two minutes. Do you realize the cost per use ratio on that? I'm passing it down to my grandkids.
You don't see me using any of my ex's stuff. We literally use your ex's netflix account Okay, well the moment your lingerie can play all three seasons of hemlock grove. We'll talk I don't understand what the problem is. I have a whole box of stuff from ex's. I thought that was an xbox Sorry, there is a playstation in there. It was my ex Danny's.
I refuse to hook it up How could you move in with me when you're clearly clinging to your past? You're the one clinging to my past. Who is this jerkin? Why did you go to prom with him? His name is trevor and we barely got to second base You realize you're jealous of a 14 year old boy right now You realize you're keeping a picture of a kid who touched your boobs fine If you really want to burn this teensy little box of random mementos from my life to soothe your fragile ego Be my guest. Okay, huh That didn't work like a dozen tv shows I'm not clinging to the past. I'm cherishing the memories of trevor's clammy hands struggling to unclasp your bra Anyways, maybe a little josie is a good thing, you know some fire some passion Otherwise, we'd be like that couple Great work It is so nice to support authentic urban art Oh the shady monk tavern Shall we uh go inside and split a daiquiri for old time's sake?
I don't know seth the twins have a flute recital tomorrow and I haven't even started the finger sandwiches. So tomorrow is slammed for me Seth Beth, what's up, you dirty dongs? I haven't seen you guys since you moved up to the burbs cooper from undergrad. Well metal What kind of trouble you sick bastards getting into tonight, huh treble you hitting the bottle You guys gonna get nasty in the bathroom We used to party so hard Uh, yeah, so actually we're gonna be hitting the nine o'clock train home and if we get nasty It's gonna be after we tuck in our two beautiful twin daughters They play the flute. It's lame Listen if you guys do decide to nut up i'm throwing a rager tonight at my loft. See you there.
Okay Okay Beth have we gotten lame? Of course not seth. Don't you remember that dinner party we threw and I added little pickles to the shark cootery Yes, seth. I believe we have gotten lame.
You know what? To heck with the nine o'clock train. We've got a sitter. Let's get wild tonight undergrad wild Never mind, it's mildly crowded come Beth Seth You know, your wife has never had a hard time getting a bartender's attention Can I help you? Um if you're in a shot of whiskey, please. Oh And you okay, so we live absolutely out of whiskey in a beer. Love Okay, scusi. They're done. Do you two have correct? I'm gonna take that to be a no right here right in front of you woman you Seem to keep missing. Hi Hi Hi Okay Listen up you ragamuffin.
I have been here longer than any of these people I used to dance on this bar. I used to get nasty in that bathroom I have gotten into a few scrapes with a few fellas and I am not afraid to add a few more I'm sorry.
What can I get you? We would love to see a wine list. We have whiskey and we have beer.
Oh, okay Um water scoop and things just two waters no ice for this guy. Yes, it hurts his tummy How was it? How was the bathroom? Yep Really good. Actually the sink had a bunch of seashells on it.
I felt like the little mermaid I read your phone and saw that you were texting your ex. Oh my god. I know right you texting your ex and not telling me about it Happy birthday, dude Flirtatious first off you think i'm cheating on you with a guy called dude I see you're also following this so-called dude on instagram This is an egregious breach of privacy and you liked one of his pictures Yeah Well, I liked that photo because it's a picture of his dog and I like his dog Well, you must like his dog quite a bit because his dog has his own account Which you are also following. Oh, look at that. Good boy playing at the beach I don't see a dog playing on the beach. I see a woman obsessed with the bat Okay, well I can be friends with an ex if the breakup was mutual mutual breakups are a lie perpetuated by dumpers So they don't have to feel bad typical dumpy Fine, you know what we'll compromise I can keep following the dog But I will unfollow a couple other random exes that I don't need in my life. Anyways like the schmuck who Just had a baby that looks weirdly like john malkovich and his wife is so buff for having just given birth because she is She's a pro wrestler. Oh my god.
I need to follow her. Emily. I'm sorry.
Exes are fascinating Fine, if you won't budge then i'll look up my exes. Good. I think you should okay My ex bridget just posted a picture at a bar down the street. Maybe i'll comment and see if she wants to meet up Yeah, you should I think this sounds like a fine idea. It is a fine idea. I am perfectly fine with that I mean realistically, she's not gonna respond to an instagram comment while she's out. Definitely not I'm just gonna stop by and say hello. Okay.
Well have fun with your friend. She's my ex not my friend Welcome back to the bachelorette rebound tonight. Amy will decide which of these lucky contestants She'll sleep with for two weeks then ghost because she still has feelings for her ex, but first Amy must decide which of these suitors she'll keep around on this emotional roller coaster Have you made your choice? I have tip Lauren we've been friends for 10 years You helped me move into my first apartment and comforted me when my mom was sick Now i'm considering throwing that all away by hooking up with you. I actually don't care about her friendship I've been trying to sleep with you for the past 10 years convenient Will you? Let me string you along while I sort out my shit. I would love to ruin our relationship with sex another friendship ruined on The bachelorette rebound she kept lorne I hate lorne A twist My ex just commented on my picture bartender.
Can I get two shots? I have a friend coming Brenda I am a spring princess kelly. I don't give a damn hate to lose you in the er Baby steps baby steps baby steps Hey, oh my god, you're a wonderfully horrible person. I know we're finally getting out a toast Emily your feet are bleeding. I feel okay. No looking back. Just enjoy the ride Hey bridget remember me Sending that to emily merv of course. I saw your comment. I got a shot But then I drank them So I like ordered two more And then I drank them Are you here by yourself?
No, could you imagine like what a loser? Actually, I was like here with this guy and then we got into like this screaming fight and hey I see not much has changed since we were dating. Would it be gross if I ate in front of you? No, so this isn't gross.
Let's try this again. How are you bridget? I'm trying to reconnect with my past and I thought that maybe we could catch up.
I'm terrible All of my friends have boyfriends if you can actually even call those bitches my friends. You're still surrounded by drama. It's like Actually, though, if you can't handle me at my best you don't deserve me at my worst I'm just like really glad they are here.
Uh, can we get a couple of waters? Why am I getting you? Bridget I'm dating someone.
Yeah, no, like me too, but he's like such a dick. I just like he Guys, well, maybe you need to slow down and take a little time for yourself wait Yes You are so right I need to stop doing all these guys and start doing Me. Yeah You know what? I'm actually glad I could offer you a little friendly advice. It's like really turning me on that Okay, that backfired I told Emily this would be weird why is it because I'm ugly. Oh, no, not it You look Really good. It's just like Actually honest to god mirth.
Why would you contact an ex out of the blue if you didn't want to hook up? See that's what I said bridget. I wanted to apologize What's this guy? It's my ex bad. I'm hanging out with my ex That's shady. Thank you. I was just having this conversation with my girlfriend and oh no i'm agreeing with crazy people Sorry, dude Oh my god, that was hot brad wait brad wait Stay away from me bridget Brad like what do you even want here? You say you don't want to be my boyfriend and then you get all jealous I just don't want to get hurt again I won't hurt you. That's what marissa said She ended up cheating on me with some guys.
She met at a rent fair. That is like actually awful, but it is not your fault Why does it keep happening? It's like one minute. Everything's great And then the next minute i'm catching her getting bent over a saddle rack by the stable boy That was one girl brad. That was a different girl Marissa did the green knight denise banged the stable boy and alison left me for a bar So you've had like several people cheat on you at rent fairs I Um Okay, how about this?
I promise Promise I will not cheat on you. Not with the minstrel. No, we're the falconer No, what about the guy who carves gargoyles and says hey, nani nani and volition dragons Look brad you need to stop living in the past like the 1400s like you need to stop going to rent fairs I can't Have you ever paid 15 dollars to be knighted by a guy pretending to be the king? Of course. I haven't that sounds fucking stupid.
It's an honor And if I have to choose between a relationship and the rent life God there's even more up there. I gotta live that rent life.
You know what? I like really wanted this to work out because I thought it was like super hot when you punched my ex But now that I know you're a friggin dork i'm like kind of fine with this. So, um boy. Bye Look My boyfriend is hanging out with his ex They're friends It's healthy, you know, we're we're healthy like that because exes are like not a big deal You know, I might text my own ex Because that's healthy Cool.
If I have a panic attack in your bathroom, uh, sure, but someone's been in there for like 10 minutes already Seth look they still have the seashell sink. Oh in this mirror. Hello old friend I've been pushed up against this one more than one occasion.
Well, I can't drink on account of my sour tummy but I can still Publicly fornicate Oh, before this goes any further There's something going around at school and I don't want the twins getting sick Oh god, it smells like spring rain Oh seth actually be careful with your chinos on the floor because you do need those for the tree dedication ceremony Oh our uh den and erica picking us up or are we trying? And there goes my erection. It's okay. Seth i'm gonna paint a picture for you. How about that? Me fuck naked sitting on that chase lounge you've been eyeing the one from west elm mid-century modern with an antique finish Oh the very same that's not even on sale. We bought it at full price And the kids they're away at school and by school I mean burns down Even though they both got full rides at amherst and do Yeah, now we're getting somewhere. That's my set Oh I'm, sorry beth. I can't do this. Seth. Come on.
We've got to prove we can still hang Plus, uh, we've already committed to paying the babysitter time and a half and she's not gonna let us out of that. She's a real You're right beth.
Let's go to kuber's rager Perhaps we leave out the window So I'm just really confused jaden me and my ex just broke up Also, i'm sleeping with two other guys On national television. Don't cut jaden. He's a school teacher slash stunt double Hey, it's murph leave a message. Hey, babe just calling to talk seeing where you At Okay, quick update. I am throwing out the xbox not because you were right just because I needed to make room for some stuff, um Anywho, let me know when you're coming back or if you are cheating on me in which case i'll go ahead and throw out your stuff too. Okay. Bye Goodbye dean demarco Ashton claypool Doug I think Amy I know this has been A difficult decision you've been thinking about this for minutes now Have you come to a conclusion? I have Jaden this is the end of our journey I still really admire your dedication to children and stunts Please leave So anyone can just plug in their phone put on a playlist and call themselves a dj. Yeah Fascinating cooper from undergrad you guys can just call me cooper.
I even got this foam that you just rub into your skin Oh, i'll try the computer cigarette the vapor hyzer 2.0. Excellent choice Now you'll want to hold it like this, right? Thank you. But I think I remember how to smoke marijuana. So, thank you I don't remember how to smoke marijuana Yeah, you just press down the button and then gently turn the crank and then an orange light will come on The whole thing will vibrate and then the cush is ready. I'll try the phone There's that light little vibrations Oh my god, it's all so clear We're not lame you are you are you what?
You guys must be getting pretty stoned what are you doing hanging out with 20 year olds who are like 40 This apartment is a trash heap you definitely have a mold problem There's there's dishes in this link You invited people over and you have dishes in this thing. You guys are like the meanest stoners, hon Let's hit up the train home. Can we get nasty in the bathroom? I'd rather get nasty in our california king posture pedic Oh, that sounds good on the lumbar. Let's get out of here.
I'm just gonna take this just gonna borrow this for ever Oh my god, what happened had to stop by urgent care Things got weird. Like I said, they would i'm sorry You were right. I threw out the xbox. No, i'm sorry.
I mean, I have no reason not to trust you. I was acting crazy. Ah You kind of were Yeah, I mean like we would never cheat on each other when bridget hit on me, I wasn't even the slightest bit tempted She hit on you Come out bitch All that didn't work Actually, though, what are you doing?
The bachelor rebound marathon is almost over and amy's about to choose her bachelor. Oh crap, really? Are we going inside? Amy we are down to your last two suitors Tucker and lorne. It's time to make your final decision I choose Both of you I'd love to sort of half date you at the same time until it blows up in all our faces Will you be my rebound? Yeah Well, there you have it folks Another exciting conclusion to the bachelorette rebound It's the end of the night Some found love.
Oh hon.
Oh Some found heartbreak But most importantly we've all found the strength to move on Still can't believe she didn't choose jayden Wait, like actually though, he was my favorite. Okay. Can we all agree that this is weird? Little vibrations, it's all so clear We're not lame you are you are you what?
You guys must be getting pretty stoned what are you doing hanging out with 20 year olds who are like 40 This apartment is a trash heap you definitely have a mold problem There's dishes in the sink You invited people over and you have dishes in this thing. You guys are like the meanest stoners hon Let's hit up the train home. Can we get nasty in the bathroom? I'd rather get nasty in our california king posture pedic. Oh, that sounds good on the lumbar.
Let's get out of here I'm just gonna take this just gonna borrow this for ever Oh my god, what happened had to stop by urgent care things got weird. Like I said they would i'm sorry You were right. I threw out the xbox. No, i'm sorry. I mean, I have no reason not to trust you I was acting crazy. Ah You kind of were Yeah, I mean like we would never cheat on each other when bridget hit on me I wasn't even the slightest bit tempted To hit on you Come out bitch Ow, all that didn't work.
Okay. Okay Actually though, what are you doing? The bachelor rebound marathon is almost over and amy's about to choose her bachelor. Oh crap, really? Are we going inside? Amy we are down to your last two suitors tucker and lorne. It's time to make your final decision I choose Both of you I'd love to sort of half date you at the same time until it blows up in all our faces Will you be my rebounds? Yeah Well, there you have it folks Another exciting conclusion to the bachelorette rebound It's the end of the night Some found love.
Oh hon.
Oh, the twins Some found heartbreak But most importantly we've all found the strength to move on Still can't believe she didn't choose jayden Wait, like actually though He was my favorite. Okay. Can we all agree that this is weird? So |
SaturdayNightLive | bad_news_commercial_saturday_night_live | In today's turbulent times, it can seem like all the news is bad, but as hard as it is to hear bad news, it's even harder to give it. Finally, there's a solution. How are ya? So, are you experiencing lower profits at your company, needing cop-backs, but dreading it? Look, here's the thing.
I'll do it for you. I'm Deidre, and I'm really good at it, and people love me. I'm sincere, and I care about you. just take a look.
Okay, you're here because you're all fired, and look, ya know, I apologize. I feel really bad, but it is what it is, ya know? there's plenty of opportunities out there, and ya know, you just have to seize the day and put yourself out there, And again, I do apologize, but what can I do? I also handle divorces. he wants a divorce. he doesn't like you anymore, and that's just the way it is. ya know, move on with your life, and ya know, find someone else. we never planned for these things, but they happen, and sorry, I do apologize, but ya know, that's the way it goes. she pointed out that it had indeed happened, and that it was the way it goes, and that made me feel really good. Thanks. ya know, it's like I've had to deal with some of the worst stuff ever. like, look at what I had to tell this Bosnian woman. look, your village is gone. it's been pillaged. they took everything, and they burned it down, and it's really sad for you, ya know? But, ya know, we have to look at it from both sides of the equation here. ya know, it is what it is, and you just have to learn from it, And I apologize, I do. I felt better when she apologized. ya know, I feel like I know how to talk to people and break news to them. that being said, I don't do bad news about pets, and I also don't go into hospitals, and ya know, you just have to deal with that. I do apologize for that, but that's the way it is. email me today. that's bad news. Words at Hotmail.com. |
cracked | jesus_has_returned_as_cat_fur | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today we're pitting arch-rivals, CNN, and Fox News against each other to see who can deliver the most ridiculous human interest story about Jesus.
Recently, Laurie's husband was petting sissy when he noticed... He says, I swear that looks like Jesus. Your cat looks like Jesus? And I'm like, okay. Here's his beard, there's the shroud. I give up. What's the answer to this Christ edition of Where's Waldo? After a closer look, you might see the Shroud of Turin. Well, yeah, if you digitally enhance the photo.
But if you were gonna do that, you could have just run a story on the Johnson family's sacred couch of enlightenment. Still, that was pretty good, CNN. It had, like, zero news value, the ability to attract some of Fox's religiously-interested viewers, and it featured a cat. In fact, I'd like to see Fox News try to top that.
A Missouri woman claims to have found Jesus in a snack-sized bag of Cheetos. fuck. Wow. You just can't beat Fox at their own game. While snacking on the chips, the woman stumbled across the Cheeto that looks like a miniature sculpture of Jesus on the cross.
Have you seen it? I've been reading. Does it look like it? Yeah, it does look like it. It looks like a cross. fuck. It does?
Oh, you mean in the same way that Fox and Friends looks like an informative, yet entertaining news show? A Missouri minister says the Cheeto is not a divine discovery, but thinks some good could come from all of this. Duh. Duh, indeed, Fox News. And you know, if reporting on finding Jesus in everyday objects is really the way to rating success?
Hallelujah!
This crack.com blogger wasn't looking for Jesus, but one day... So I was at the gym, where I'd just finished bench-pressing my own weight 50 times, and I looked down and I said, man, that looks like Jesus. See there's the cross and the beard. After a closer look, you might see an artistic, albeit hairy, representation of Christ on the cross. Gladstone's minister says that while the formation is interesting, it's not technically a miracle. And he hopes Gladstone starts wearing a shirt to church.
That's hate by numbers. That's all. For now. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Find_Strong_Link_Between_Male_Virility_Wearing_Motley_Crue_Denim_Jacket | Later in the hour, the U.S. Postal Service announces that you can deliver the mail yourself if you think it's so goddamn easy.
But first up in health news, researchers from Harvard University have found a strong link between male virility and wearing Motley Crue denim jackets. The three-month study discovered men who consistently wore denim jackets, with the metal band's image on them, recorded at least double the levels of virility than those who don't own jackets, paying homage to the group behind hits like Girls, Girls, Girls and Dr. Feelgood. We've never seen levels of virility quite like this before, whether it was high testosterone or simply finding that these guys slay in the bedroom every day of the week. For the study, researchers paired fans of the band with a control group and found that those wearing Motley Crue attire were far more likely to knock out some chick's totally jacked boyfriend and then do it with her later that same day than those who simply wore casual clothes and probably wouldn't know what it feels like to have two threesomes in one night. Men who owned jackets with an image of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sick sitting on top of a pair of breasts with nipples in the shape of pentagrams showed higher levels of sexual potency, endurance and libido. These guys do it all the time and sometimes even in public. They don't fucking care. Although the study primarily focused on men in Motley Crue jackets, researchers also found that men who listened to Nirvana had a high likelihood of staying virgins forever. |
dropout | guy_who_feels_left_out_without_hbo_song | It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, so she's just standing there, like this, he's behind her going to town, and that's how girls started. What's next? Are you guys watching Leftovers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just going to turn out to be a cult, right? Oh, for sure, for sure. And, what?
Game of Thrones. Come on! Game of Thrones! Yes!
Owen, what's your favorite HBO show? Yeah, Owen, what's your favorite HBO show? Owen. Owen?
Winter is coming. Isn't that right? No, I'm asking, is that right? Cause...
I don't have HBO, how will I know? What happened on an episode of Game of Thrones? HBO, how will I know?
What happened last season on Trami? Trami! Oh, it's Trami?
Oh, and they just saw the posters. Uh, uh, uh, here we go, here we go, go, go, hello ladies, isn't that a show? I used to see posters by the liquor store, I got all excited, then looked real close, said only available on HBO, I'm feeling so left out, so out of the flow, Tony Soprano, is that someone I should know? Girls, enlightened, grown, the wire, Game of Thrones, true detective, or the empire, gotta see these shows, they would make me gasm, hook a brother up, don't hurt my enthusiasm! HBO, how will I see if news gets better on season three? HBO, how will I know vampire boobies on true blood? Or girls, or enlightened? It's about to get real, time is Bill Maher! Feelin' like a freakin' carnival, two weeks to go till my big office party, I see some shows to impress my boss Marty, Did you like the red viper in Game of Thrones? Said I don't know, I'm still catchin' up on phones, Steel HBO, what a wild endeavor, Alas, my nice parents are all crazy ex-heather, They all long to go, they be havin' fun, Hello, I just found that my mom was sassin' with on, She's gettin' scared, a little unglassy, I blow five dudes for Silicon Valley, She's gettin' crazy, I'm feelin' like a freak, I blow nine dudes for an episode of Meatball. Hey guys, this is a free preview of showtime this weekend. Get outta here, dude, no one cares about showtime. I want some real sex now, I'm done with discretion, Is there an angel in America, I got a taxi cap in fashion, Help me please, I don't want you more than you can fathom, Arliss the looking, I'd enjoy John Adams, Give me your password, I don't think that I should, I need some big love now, I'm sure my dad would, Life without the bow is like livin' in a gutter, I'm feelin' eastbound, I'm down, I'm goin' six feet under, HBO, now I will see how Robert first spelled Beverly, HBO, then I would know, Entourage is kind of overrated, A little bit, right guys, a little bit, It's a little bit, little bit, little bit, little bit, So moms came through, I'm about to start bragging, I got HBO now, so fuck my baby dragon, Everything's a dream, there's so many shows, Which girl are you, you seem like a hannah, I'm totally a shosh, shosh, shosh, HBO, Now I will see, Hordor's dick in 1080p, HBO, now I will know, The Sopranos finale, my TV just went black, I'm watching it, my TV just goes black, I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe it, That was seven years ago. |
cracked | we_summon_the_darkness_review_ft_zanandi_botes_aka_the_girls_have_eyes | All right, welcome to Crack Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better. I am your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by only one of my co-hosts, Jesse, because Allie didn't know what movie we were doing because probably my fault. And so she didn't have time to watch it. Hey, Jesse. Hi, I did the homework. What was the movie again? It was Checkout Forever, right? You said to just watch any horror movie you could think of and we would talk about it. And we are joined by crack writers Anandi, who has a last name that I was told I shouldn't even bother trying to pronounce, but it is spelled B-O-T-E-S.
So do without what you will. But you've written like a million things for the website, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, I think, I mean, yeah, you lose count eventually, right? Not as many as you, Jordan, still. I think I still haven't heard that much, but yeah, I think enough. I think enough. I bet you have. I tapped out at 120 or so.
Okay, yeah. Okay, yeah, maybe. Oh, gosh.
Have I written more than Jordan Breeding? Well, I wrote a lot of scripts, so maybe we can. But Anandi, how long have you been writing for the site?
I think the first article came out in 2016. Yeah, it was the year you guys got that weird guy for president, yeah. 2016, yeah. That's when I started writing for Cracked, actually. Him, Ryan, you mean? Yeah, you've written articles, you've written a ton of pick the facts.
It's at least one honest ad, right? The dating apps one? Yeah, the dating apps one.
Hopefully more scripts to come. Let's hope for time and energy and just life and vitality. We're pivoting to improv, unfortunately. These are all these are all difficult things. And even just, you know, the video teams been in flux, writers are coming and going and executive teams and who knows what's supposed to happen.
But hey, let's let's talk about this movie that we're going to talk about Juicy Thighsman. Can you give us the title and summarize this film in a succinct, useful way? You got it. It's called We Summon the Darkness. And let's see, I have I'm just gonna read the script of the movie of the film if that's okay. Oh, yeah, thank you. That would be really helpful. Paint us a picture.
It is essentially about these three like horror classic horror babes who are on a road trip. They're on the road trip to go see ostensibly their favorite metal band. They look like they are sort of these vulnerable like they're all going to be you know, fighting to see who's who's going to be the last girl.
But it turns out that they are in fact, the monsters of film. They're part of this church cult that is killing people and making it look like it was a satanic ritual. I don't know if I'm giving away the twist, but I think they get to it pretty quickly. So yeah, they're part of this. They're part of this like super evil church and they're just trying to denounce Satan by straight up murdering people. They've killed like 15 to 18 people already and making it look like it was done by Satan and his worshipers.
And so they meet up with these three dudes at this show. They start to hit it off. They think they're gonna pork. But instead they end up the dudes end up being, you know, running around the house for the rest of the movie trying not to get murdered by these babes.
And and to clarify, the idea is that if if satanic worshipers murder enough people that will drive all the survivors to Christianity, it's sort of like a saw ask. I'm killing things so that other people will do something morally upstanding like care about their life or whatever. But yeah, that's the idea is that if enough satanic worshipers murder people, everybody else will be like, wow, I guess I should become a Christian because I don't want to be satanic. I don't want to listen to Pantera or something.
So, Zunami, why this one of all the movies in the world, you had a free free reign by this one. I don't know, I just enjoy this movie a lot. It's a short in an hour, like 90 minutes, 91 minutes, like I love my short movies. It's got some wild and bonkers characters. I mean, you've got kids hitting each other with baking sheets in the kitchen at one point. It's great. It's more of a comedy than a horror, really, like I just love like the the cheekiness of it. It makes some comments, but it doesn't take itself too seriously. And yeah, I just think it's like it's my favorite fake satanic ritual gone wrong movie by far my favorite. It should be said so Zunami is a huge horror buff.
And so she actually gave me a slate of movies to choose from and like a child candy store. I saw Oh, that one has Johnny Knoxville. That's I want to watch that one. That's fair. Oh, and and to clarify, too, this is actually set in like the height of the state.
Well, at least part of the satanic panic in like early 80s. I would guess it was 88. I think it says it's Indiana 1988 to start of the movie. Okay, so yeah, it's a blink and you'll miss it. In my defense, what popped up, there were like 38 production companies that worked on this film. So yeah, for some weird reason.
And the first thing and the thing that I noticed was Litecoin is the like face is that the Facebook cryptocurrency? What is Litecoin?
No, it's not. It's not Facebook. It just looks like a Facebook thing.
I don't know. But at some point, it popped up Litecoin. And I was like, what the hell is what does that mean? And I was like writing it down and thinking and I miss that it was 1988. And the whole time I'm sitting there, when is the Bitcoin or the cryptocurrency going to factor into this plot? I was I was confused for a while wondering, I was like, it feels like the 80s.
But also, did they say, am I an idiot? Turns out I was an idiot.
They did. Yeah, they did a few things like in the in the style of like stranger things where it's like, yeah, I'm gonna shoehorn the name of the current vice president into conversation.
Right.
Yeah, that's that's pretty funny. So yeah, I mean, so I'm curious. So you kind of mentioned a few of these things. But to you, you said you're going to talk about this on another podcast, too.
So please use all your good stuff here. But I already did. Oh, you already did. Like a year ago. Yeah.
Oh, the other podcast. Yeah, this is my second podcast. Oh, my God. Well, yeah, I think, like I said, I think I'm the only person ever that's done two podcasts on We Summon the Darkness.
It's very possible. A movie that Yeah, few people saw, but more people said, Yeah, so I think it released on Netflix, if I'm not mistaken, like right on, like, April, probably the same day that we rebooted the YouTube channel, if I did. Oh, we couldn't get Johnny Knoxville. He's busy doing press for this. Yeah, he was going to reboot the channel.
And then he had a I know it was April 10. It predates the reboot by two weeks. But there's a Friday in April in 2020.
So it's pretty close. So here's here's what I'll say about it. I think I had a little trouble in the early part, because so Jesse and I reviewed or talked about at least bodies, bodies, bodies, they 24. It's a very recent one. It's I don't know. Yeah, okay, great. So one of the things so I saw this in a review, and I think it makes sense.
People were talking about how it could be like a Richard Linklater. Am I saying that name, right? I just read everything. I don't hear names or places sounds Richard L. In that it's very naturalistic dialogue. It's a lot of people kind of I would I would imagine that a lot of it was improvised, especially early on, where just people are kind of talking over each other, and they're doing things and kind of making fun of each other.
And sometimes I just I, I, I struggle with that a little bit to like, get latched onto it. I don't know why. So for me, once they started being satanic murderers, I was a lot more like, okay, this is a lot more in the in the vein of what I want from a movie. But I don't know something about that naturalistic dialogue. I don't know, it always kind of like rubs, I don't know if it rubs me the wrong way or anything, but it just like, I want it to be more stylized. Almost. I don't know why. I could see like a blessing and a curse.
Like there's certainly if people try too hard to write conversational teen or dialogue, yeah, it gets real goofy. And so they're like, all right, well, these people are hot and hip. Like, let's just give them an hour or so to goof around. And they'll probably say something funny. And there were definitely funny lines and funny moments sprinkled throughout. But anyway, that was just kind of a quick thing that I noticed that reminded me immediately of bodies, bodies, bodies, which is another sort of teens.
Yeah, very. Yeah. And also very like relaxed. Like, it's so funny you're talking about Richard Linklater, because I just watched that some confused again before this part, for like research stuff. And yeah, I'm also not really like into that. Like it loses me. It's just not entertaining enough for me, really. Yeah.
But I think with like, we summon in darkness, and maybe it's because I'm a girl, a woman. Gosh, I'm old now. I'm a woman now. I'm not a girl anymore. I'm a girl.
Women on the podcast. Oh, guys, one time. And I miss Ali. And yeah, but like, I don't know, I love their dialogue. I love their level.
Because I think there was a lot of things that came through there, like their relationships, there was also like little hints of, you know, like, Val and Beverly, coming from maybe like different backgrounds, different posts, which at the end made sense, like, you know, you know, kind of, how do you say, you know, like, using like people with weaknesses and getting them into your cult of doing all these crazy things. And even with all the metal talk, you know, like with those conversations, when they got to like the the rock show, you know, you could also hear like, Alexandra D'Doria's character. I mean, she's like all dressed all metal, like she's into it. But then the dude asked, like, what was your first concert? And she's like, Oh, yeah, I can't remember. But like, Beverly is like talking all metal with the dude, like she's actually she's metal for real, like she's actually been to me. She's like the real one, you know, like, I think by the time they got to Yeah, how it's actually difficult not to do spoilers and stuff.
We already spoiled it. It's fine. Yeah, we're just gonna do that.
And but by the time they get to the house, and it's the dragging, and you can see Beverly is like, oof, I don't really know about this, because I think she kind of found her people at the metal show. Like, I want to stick with the boys. Like, they actually know their middle.
So yeah, like, all of that little things came out, you know, like, there's like, also, this movie is great for it's a great rewatchable movie. Because every time you watch it again, you pick up those little dialogue thingies. The first time I watched it too, I was like, Okay, where is this going?
I know they're kind of trying to like, who are the girls going to be all Texas chainsawed on their way through this wilderness. And there's like, No, okay, these girls are weird. Something's all here. You kind of Yeah, quickly on you, you realize they tried to get into a thing, but it's the girls.
I think the real twist of the movie is really the Johnny Knoxville is her dad thing. That's really the big twist.
You know, not that the girls are the murderers. Well, I was gonna I actually I wrote down one of my notes was, I'm sure they're murderers or something, but the attractiveness is massively off balance that when they basically once they start talking to the dudes in the van, I'm like, they have to be killers. Because like you're saying, it's too easy to have the hot women. And I was like, and like, they would have hotter men, like, this doesn't make any sense to me unless they're trying to say something about the, like, metal fandom that everybody is on judgmental without attractiveness or something. Sorry, I just like I also love like how the Doria and Maddy Hansen, their characters, again, they're not these metal chicks.
So they dressed the way they think metal chicks dress. But it's pretty much like if someone does that today, and they just go on Etsy, and the first like metal tops that they find, and the upside down crosses. And I mean, the Doria she like, she's got all the jewelry happening. And it's like much and it's yeah, it's just hilarious, because it's actually so nice metal. Yeah, that's what's funny, those I think there are a lot of there's probably a lot of thought and a lot of subtlety put into things like that, that totally went out if we were talking about like, early 2000s scene music, maybe I would have been like, wait, that's not what you'd wear to a Seyerson show. But I think I think I think kind of they like glam.
Well, but it's not glam metal, right? It is it is whatever. It's like more real metal, Satan metal, which I'm not like, yeah, that's not sold. That was the bad.
Very subtle.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I bet it would be like, if you're a metal guy, because okay, so these guys are in a band. So you could think or at least they might think like, yeah, we're in a band, we're hot shit. Of course, we can like, of course, like we're hot enough for these three girls. But also, like, I bet for some reason, just like, those dudes stink for sure that band, that band smells like this. And then the girls show up with like these like very like, fully like dark black things that probably still have the creases in it from being folded up at Target or whatever. And like, they probably don't eat like don't smell like metal heads.
Like, I feel like these guys should have should have known. But I think it was their hubris, their hubris was their downfall, which I think is something more movies should do. Maybe actually, but I do want to back up for a second.
So I think you're you're correct in that. The probably the bigger twist is Johnny Knoxville being the dad. Yeah. However, they make it sound and I wanted to talk about this because I was a little bit confused by it, he sort of suggests that he needed her to die so that he could have so he could get suspicion off of himself. You know, because like, everybody was like, maybe he's like other people watch the first half of the movie and thought something similarly to us that maybe they're maybe there's something going on here like they're faking these murders so that they can whatever. However, it feels like a thing. He may they make it sound like he just shows up and they make it sound like he's adapting, which makes sense. But then he also says, don't you see? This was like my plan all along kind of at least that's what I felt like he was saying.
But no, I didn't understand how it could have been. Why would he offer up his own house? But she didn't want her dad to know. And like the police get involved. And it just felt that part I just missed something or misunderstood something. Or I don't know if you had a better answer for that.
It's funny, like I talked to Mark on the podcast a year ago about I don't want to hear about Mark. I don't want to hear about your podcast.
Yes. Mark.
Actually, as like he's got the movies, films and flicks pod, he's he's written for cracks. He's written some columns before. But anyway, this is not about Mark.
I just like I also asked him because that was also confusing to me. I'm like, so that was his plan all along. Because yeah, they're like pretend like no, the stepmom phoned him. And that's why he came. And he walked into the chaos. But like you say, Jordan, that's exactly what he says. He kind of implies that that was his plan all along.
So Mark, and I kind of just figured it was actually plan B. He was staging it, you know, like, and so that him and his daughter could look like victims. But then he knew she was going to mess up. So he had his plan B ready. And that was to kill his own daughter because Johnny Knoxville has never been more diabolical. Yeah, he was very cruel looking. So yeah, his plan was to get hit in the head with a spare boat part.
Get smacked in the nuts. Yeah. No, no, I just mean, if it's Johnny Knoxville. Oh, yeah, yeah. Always to get Yeah, just just wind in the nuts or run into a bunch of bees or something.
What I sort of thought, but I do not think it's true. And what I hope was true was that I thought Beverly is the the one that has to change the heart, right, Bev? Yeah, Beverly.
Yes, I thought that she was a plant to when when it turned out that Johnny Knoxville was the dad and like in charge and evil or whatever. I actually thought it was a plant to be like she was always going to betray them or something. And then Johnny Knoxville was maybe going to go shoot her in the head or I don't know. I thought I think there were there were layers of complexity that I wanted or thought there was that I yeah, I thought she was going to be like like a plant like I thought she was going to be a cop or something. You know, she like she like sees like one guy get murdered very suddenly.
And she's like, oh, no, I have fucked up. I got to figure out how to read. Like I'm going to go convene in the scary boathouse or whatever. They have a weird because there's a weird element. Yeah, they have a weird element of her being both like, well, I did not expect this, even though surely somebody mentioned that's the plan ahead of time. And or Alexis is like, or Johnny Knoxville is like, you said she was ready, Alexis. And Alexis is like, my bad.
Yeah, he was. I don't know. It's just some of that was a little bit confusing. And also, Bev was in the boathouse for approximately 24 hours. It was so long. Right. I kind of was going to be like, I'm confusing for sure.
I thought she was going to she was going to have like, like built this like giant murder robot or something, right? Like she's in there for so long with all these tools. And then she does. She does.
I mean, that's a complex weapon. That's true. Yeah. I don't know if that's is that an homage to do metalheads know how to take apart boats and refashion them into weapons. That's another. I think she was like, well, this is the closest I can get to like a chainsaw, like six chainsaw magical shout outs. Like, yeah, I don't know. It is a really funny spin on the on the chainsaw thing. Yeah. I like it's also sorry, but like also they use so many weapons in this movie.
I mean, we've got the drugs first and foremost, they drug boys. Then we've got knives. We've got baking sheets. We've got lighters and chemicals causing fires. We've got the motorboat prop.
Like it's done. Oh, yeah. Right. And I mean, it's all the weapons. I don't know what the hell to do with any of it. Yeah. What were they spraying under the door? Yeah.
What was that? I don't know American products. What was that like? I thought it was bug spray. That's what I thought it was.
I thought it was like or like raid or any of these kinds of like if you spray it on a cockroach, it'll die sort of things, which also are flammable, probably, because then they do. It is funny that they sort of start doing it and then they'd stop and then they change it to a flamethrower. They're like, oh, no, the cops are on the way. Let's burn just one room.
Everything. Yeah.
I did think that the sort of, you know, it's interesting because the body count is not particularly I mean, it kind of all spirals out at the end, right? Like you really the one guy gets stabbed and then the stepmom dies way later. And it's really an interesting. I did really like this sort of weird standoff between the dudes in the in the closet of all places and and the women outside the closet. It was an interesting like how they sort of reduced it to a single room kind of problem from a big old mansion where usually people are running around forever. It was it was a weird kind of, I don't know, it was like a bunch of little horror movies shoved into one because then they also have the attic fight with the hair catching on fire, which is also pretty I can't imagine being choked and being like having to like wear with all to ignite somebody's hair.
Oh, I just remember chicks hated when their hair gets on fire. Yeah, I love because it's also kind of like a cheeky comment on all the air product, the chemicals in the air products of the 80s. Yeah, I did get that for sure. I was like, well, it's because and especially of the three girls, she seemed to be the one that was most. Oh, yeah, she was since the beginning or from the beginning of the movie. She's just like hair, hair and makeup and hair and what did she say there? Like makeup is like a war pain for sex.
Right? Oh, yeah, the beginning. Yeah, some of the lines in this movie I just love. It's so funny. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, I was gonna say like even Alexis takes her fake eyelashes off as soon as the ruse is over. Like she's not as invested in in that she's kind of just she's like, All right, I used the eyelashes to trick you. And now, you know, I'm just gonna stab you and I don't know you can see my real form.
Squeeze. Yeah. In the morning. Yeah. Yeah, it's not very dramatic.
And if I hadn't seen the scene, I would never have noticed but both Alexandra did Oreos eyes. She just has these huge crazy eyes. I mean, the acting in this movie. Listen, it's like, yeah, the actors really the girls, especially they just put the fun in it.
I mean, Maddie Anson is a nut. I think she's just really like the rebel. Like I don't think she really buys into the whole cult thing. Like she'll just do anything. You know, she's like the person like starting the ride first, you know, like she says, Yeah, let's blow stuff up. She's she's great.
Yeah, just the acting in general, I enjoy so much. And yeah, like I say, it's just like these dumb kids running around. Oh, we need to like stage this big thing now.
But they're so clueless. And they don't know what the hell they're doing. They've never done this before.
But yeah, there's some like blood lust happening with two of those two girls. Like, yeah, they you can see they enjoy they're enjoying it. Yeah, is there? I mean, this is they they were at 18 murders going into this whole scene, right? Because they were the serial killers, right? No, no. So they're part of the daughters, daughters of the dawn daughters of the dawn. And they actually say like, this is a first the other, the other, like, girls, because I guess they're all girls. Like they each get a chance to do a killing.
And this was a first you see. Okay, that makes sense. So it's also I wonder if I look, yeah, yeah, I wonder if it started out with like, crap, wait, who's the who's the weird guy in California in the 70s that oh, Manson, like the Manson family, I wonder if it's the whole idea was like, okay, this is like a newcomer to the Manson family. And this is her on her first on her first gig. She's trying to prove herself. Yeah, like an initiation.
Right? Yeah. Yeah, that is.
So like with Beverly, I think, I also think it's such a cool character to have a setup for a sequel. Like, I so see a sequel for this movie, because she and the guy who Tony looks like Colin Farrell meets Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Like they get away at the end. So those two are off to LA. Johnny Knoxville is still alive. I can totally see him sending his other daughters of the dawn to go and get those, you know, to somewhere in LA. So you can have this whole thing play out again in Los Angeles. I mean, it's come on. I'll find money for the sequel and finally see it in the theater. Yeah, so it felt to me a lot like a higher stakes like Home Alone. And so it'd be very funny like the next the Home Alone 2 Lost in New York is just them like lost in LA.
Well, and the weird thing about it, though, the way that you could make it even more complex is as far as literally everybody knows, they think Beverly's the killer. Like they think she snapped and like because on the news, Johnny Knoxville is like crying and is like, Satan has killed my daughter. And as far as anyone knows, that's true, I believe. So they just think like, you know, it's just this weird. So she might have to fight off the daughters of Dawn and the cops or whatever, like everybody. Because now you need to remember, like the whole idea is to make it look like it's a murder-suicide because that's like what the satanic ritual is about. So do you think they pulled that off? I think Johnny kind of just implied that yeah, like the people that are dead there, they were the cults that did it. And they stage it at his house, his house. It was like, you know, they targeted him. But the thing is, he knows Beverly knows the real story. So like, he'll go after her. Interesting. Okay, I guess in LA, we can have like, you know, the whole Hollywood making a movie about this thing happening in the background. It's like we summon the darkness meat scream.
Oh, my gosh. All my money.
Write this down. I was going to say this. This is this is a random note that doesn't have that has no value whatsoever.
But I thought it was funny and interesting how many people tried to choke other people today. They were like, right? At least three choking scenes, if not more, where people are like, I'm choking you. And then it doesn't work. And then somebody chokes somebody else. It's just it was pretty funny how many people just like in a in a movie with an incredible amount of weapons, as you mentioned, like getting smacked with a baking pan or whatever, and bug spray and flamethrowers and yeah, all these good observation, actually, like, I mean, yeah, like, that's not really a knee jerk reaction. Is it just choke someone?
That's the most I think of all the things. That's the most difficult and personal way. Yeah. So intimate. I mean, like Jesse would like it's a prayer.
Oh, I got a ton of weapons. I got a baking pan. I've got some raid. Yeah.
Do you have a blender? I don't have a blender, actually.
Oh, okay. Oh, it's good weather. You just have to eat all your stupid fruits and vegetables, raw and whole. Yeah, man. He does. He sits around. He does vitamins, man. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah. But anyway, I just thought it was funny.
It just it felt very, yeah, intense to try and choke. But you know, it makes sense because nobody, neither the dudes or the girls have any experience killing people. So they don't. Yeah. You know, all they know is for movies. Yeah, people choke people a lot and they don't realize how hard it is.
Yeah, it's just chaos. It's absolute chaos. I think that's why I love the movie, too, because like, yeah, I like some chaos.
There's people not knowing. Like we've got a lot of John Wick movies and like guys just absolutely being pros at what they do. Show me the people that don't know what's happening. They're just winging it. That's a dollar and a dream. No experience murdering people, but they're going to learn.
You just pick it up. Yeah. With God and Satan by their side. Yeah. The one last observation I had was I thought it was kind of funny that at some point right at the end, they're like driving away. And he says, Where are we? When he wakes up, the guy does. And she's like, I have no idea. And then she walks into the gas station that they were literally at yesterday. And I was like, you have some idea, right? Also, you only got about 30 minutes down the road. Right? Yeah. Overnight.
Anyway, I don't know. Those are always the things that I notice. And I'm like, maybe she's like, what do you call that state in shock? Where you just forget? I don't know. Yeah, she's in a fog of war still.
Yeah. Guy with the older than dirt. That's I love that. I love that. That's older than dirt. So great. Yeah.
And that old man doesn't know why.
Yeah, you girls be safe out there. You seem like nice ladies.
Yeah. It couldn't help but notice there's blood and part of a scalp on the front of your car. Is everything okay? Right. See, that's the thing is they kind of ride off into the sunset, to a degree, they make sure to stop and get Band-Aids and hydrogen peroxide and take care of like the one little tiny cut on her eye on her eyebrow. But their car is covered in evidence, linking them to these brutal murders. Who's dad? Yeah, man. Like you just Yeah, I need to get to a car wash like ISAP. Yeah, I it's always important to scrape Alexandra D'Addario or however you say her name off your car. Actually, I was that just reminded me too.
She has a cameo or a brief scene in New Girl. I don't know if you've ever seen that show. And one of the characters refers to her as having crazy witch eyes, which I think is a pretty apt description. I mean, in every movie that she's in, it doesn't matter what she's doing. She definitely like every time the camera or she's like, either it's supposed to be because I'm the hottest character ever or because I'm crazy.
Or even if it's like, doe I deer in the headlights kind of more like in White Lotus or something? White Lotus, I was gonna say deer in headlights.
She gets a lot of a lot of mileage out of having just the craziest eyes. And then the movie or the whatever will just sort of work around it and be like, it's cuz she's evil. It's cuz she's super hot. And you're like, All right, whatever. And she's just the whole time.
I buy it. I buy it every time. Early, early title pitch.
The girls have eyes. Ah, love it. The girls have eyes, or at least one of them does. One girl has I girl have girl have I do think it's always funny.
How many times does it happen in horror movies where they've defeated the villain and they're in their car and they're driving away and the villain steps in the middle of the road and is don't though, please. Yeah, that is a trope, isn't it? I just plow them most of the time. It's just such an interesting. It's an interesting instinct for villains to have. Yeah. I mean, do villains really think people are going to stop? It's like, it's very wish, wishful thinking. Yeah.
Wait, who was it that just laid down in front of his girlfriend's car to keep her from going to hang out with Harry Styles? Who's Jason Sudeikis? Yeah, Jason Sudeikis.
They said he laid down like under the wheel of what's her name's car because he found out she was about to go see Harry Styles. So I like to think it was maybe more dramatic than him just laying down, you know, he stood up in the road and did one of these.
Yeah. They they had a whole moment where they beat each other with baking pans first and yeah, baking pans, boating equipment. Yeah, they tried to choke each other but kind of couldn't finish. Yeah. Someone screamed motorboat prop. Yeah. Don't you touch my motorboat.
And then didn't they wasn't there like special salad dressing? I don't I didn't read much of that stuff. I just see the Twitter jokes that make no context or sense to me.
I love how we found a way to talk about that in the we some of the darkness. We're relevant. We are relevant.
Yeah, I wonder if the salad dressing is as poisonous as you know, whatever they put in those drinks, jock boys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, witchy witchy poison. So that's something that I need to reconcile because I spent a lot of the film thinking that they were legitimately interested in witchcraft.
They weren't doing very witchy things except they were just like, you know, good Christian girls who just who I don't know, maybe there's nothing to really dissect their whatever. They're just well, they're they're not they're not interested. I mean, if anything, they're they're opposed to it.
This is just the way that they choose to fight membership, I guess. Yeah, recruiting tactic. Make people scared to so that they join the church.
Yeah. And I guess also looking looking back on it like the a lot of their like satanic imagery was a little bit doofy. Looks like it was just like a kid drawing with their left hand. And like, yeah, I see why now. Yeah, yeah. I do love at the end, where Johnny, like when he's playing the victim for the cameras, and he's like, how many of our kids have to die in the name of Satan? And I'm like, Yeah, that's that's the summary right there. You know, yeah.
Good job, adults. Yeah, probably more. We should be sacrificing more kids to Satan.
Give him a little bit of power. See what he can do with it. You know, I did think there was something happened. I you know, you mentioned that it sort of makes some comments on some things, but it doesn't fully like it's not really interested in trying to make some big statement and pissing anybody off. And I did think I did think it was interesting that it's like, for example, the bev or whatever, she she ends up fully turning because she realizes he's using money that he keeps in a tackle box in the barn. Yeah, you to purchase like condos or other mansions and nice stuff.
And she's like, Wow, he's a hypocrite. I hate him. And that's awful.
But like, if a bunch of the who are his followers, I guess I'm a little bit if it's a bunch of runaways like her, how much money is she? Maybe it's donations, maybe like, I mean, obviously, the church doesn't know what this little section of the church is doing, because like, also, like he's I mean, he's a televangelist. So, you know, like he's got his followers and people in his congregation. But yeah, I think the daughters of the dawn is like his special little it's like youth group. It's like youth group.
Oh, my god, you're right. When I was a kid, we used to go out and murder people in the name. Yeah. Yeah, we all played in the church band. And then we went out and murder people. Yeah, I totally forgot about that. That's it.
Wouldn't it be fucked up if if like, in real life, there was like a televangelist that was actually doing evil things secretly. That is a chilling thought. I don't even want to imagine it. Jesse, don't put that video out there.
Cool. You guys got any other kind of thoughts you want to hit? I think I hit most of the stuff that I thought was.
Yeah, I mean, like, yeah, I love hearing from you guys about it. Because like I said, I've talked about this movie a lot. So I just love talking to other people about it. Because not a lot of people have seen this movie. But honestly, all the people that has I've never heard anyone that doesn't really like it, except for, you know, like snooty reviewers. Thank you, Jesse. So yeah, happy to chat with you guys about it.
Yeah, one of those one of those like an early sign that these were not that these girls are not like real metal fans was one of them when they find out that the dudes are in a band, one of them is like, Oh, what's your axe? It's like axe refers to guitars specifically, right?
Unless I'm mistaken. Yeah, I actually thought I was like, kind of confused. I didn't know if that was just bad. I thought it was bad writing.
But looking back, it's like, they they seem to spend a lot of time studying metal and stuff. And so they they know enough to like talk about bands and stuff and make up their first show. Oh, yeah, because that one one of them memorized the entire lineup at the date and day of her first show or whatever, which is like a little bit more than probably most like casual to moderate fans would remember. So a lot of it is like clearly like studied. But also, it's one of those things where like, you can't pronounce words that you've only read a lot. So like, she's she's seen and heard people talk about axes.
And she's like, I guess that just means instrument. Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
I don't know how to pronounce anything. And I just sort of wander through life hoping that the big words I use are correct, or the references I make are pronounced correctly.
But anything else? Or do we want to throw it to the masses for a minute? Yeah, I don't know. I thought the drummer, I thought he looked like a young Farva. That's it. So far, what?
Farva is from Super Troopers. I forget the actor's name, but he reminded me of a Farva.
Jesse, have you not seen Super Troopers? Oh, I'm not. I've seen it.
We don't know anybody's frickin name. We don't know. Oh, we can't remember, JC.
We should do Super Troopers, because that is a great movie, and it's very popular. And I guess. Chet, should we do Super Troopers?
I know about Farva Beans. Oh my god, I can't roll my eyes hard enough.
The actor, that actor, JC, that's Taylor Swift's little brother, like, in What's in the Darkness. Yeah, the guy that plays Ian. It's Taylor Swift's brother. Yeah, I actually only saw that myself when I was, like, just quickly this afternoon preparing for the part and just want to remember everyone's names again. Yeah, it's actually Taylor Swift's younger brother.
How does that fit into the whole weird, like, Swift-y, like, numerology thing that everybody swept up in right now? Oh, gosh. I think it's time to ask, yeah, the people about that. Rather. Give us a theory. Yeah, everybody wants us to do Super Troopers, so. Oh, that would be fine.
No, I don't care, but it's like. You're wrong not to care. How am I gonna know? I don't remember frickin Farva. Okay, well. Yeah, I don't remember anyone's name, yeah, like. Don't take his side.
Fine, all right, I'm throwing it to the people. All right, Toss, this is Jonestown meets the Addams family, so is Irish Lover. That's fun. I think that's sort of true. I don't think anybody likes each other very much, like the Addams family.
It's spelled, Richard Linklater, but it's pronounced, throat warbler man. Oh, so, thanks. That's what you get when you just don't read things. Let's get that one. Miss this one, but it sounds similar to The Craft or Jennifer's Body. I haven't seen those. We're bringing Brian on. Brian, moment. Wait, did you even watch this movie? I haven't seen this movie, but based off of what you guys are describing, it definitely has very Jennifer's Body vibes. Great. I haven't seen it. There's a lot of so between the two of us.
That comment is Brian approved. I think you're right, Dave. Good job. Kid tested, Brian approved.
And I'm just going to bring anime, anime up just to say it's like how all of us is somehow part of the Wu-Tang Clan. We got to get this image on our screen every week. Wait, is that like, is that like some huge percentage of the world's population is related to Genghis Khan? Is that similar with the Wu-Tang Clan? And also the Wu-Tang Clan broke up because they all broke their noses or whatever and fell asleep and drowned.
All right. Let's do alternate titles. I don't have many, but I have a few.
You guys ready? Are we ready for this? Did we tell you that this was the thing? Did Jesse tell you that?
Yeah, but I actually knew I have watched the part of you guys. Oh, well, you're the first. So cool.
So the only one that I really liked was Satan exclamation point at the metal show. Because we do that riff a lot. And then I said death to the patriarchy just to try and, you know, with Demolition Man, I said insecure heterosexual males. And a lot of people watch just to be mad about it. So every once in a while I'll do a title that only loosely ties, but is something that you could see people getting mad at. And, you know, it all pays the same. So every once in a while, even if we're not going to talk about it.
So that's what I got. And then, Jesse, I did write down the girls have eyes because I think that one's wonderful. I like that, too. Since we're on the subject, I do want to say I kind of like the new Panic! at the disco album.
You guys you guys on that? Have you heard of that? I didn't. It's OK. Here's here's how I got it. So do you guys know the podcast song exploder? Yes. Have I brought that up before?
OK, so they did that on like the lead single or whatever from the new Panic! album. And like so I heard like what went into it before I actually heard the song. And that got me like hooked right away.
So anyway, I really like their fourth album and their fifth album. What's this one? Like their seventh album. OK, that's it. I saw them live a handful of years ago. They're pretty good. And by they, I mean, Brendan Urie, because that's the only one left. But I saw them touring on their first album, actually.
And it was like very theatrical, as you might imagine. Yeah. Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that there's it's more than just a naming convention. I actually kind of like Panic! at the disco. Great.
I really, really everyone thinks that's dumb, in which case I hate them.
I really like the fourth album. They change their genre like every album. The fourth album is a very kind of like a neon Las Vegas style that I really like. And then even more so, the fifth album is like lounge music. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like modern lounge music.
And it really showcases his range. And it's really cool. And then everything to the sides is fine. But those were the two that I just like really enjoyed.
But what do you got for us?
That is not inexplicably, for no reason, Panic! at the disco. Well, yeah, I mean, I actually can't remember the last time I listened to Panic! at the disco.
So I'll catch up for the next part, guys. Yeah, I'll come with my knowledge. Yeah, yeah, send it through. Okay, so I've got titles.
I've got Reckless Alexis, because I mean, that's just I love it. Winnie calls her Reckless Alexis.
Cults and Cookies. Yeah, I really love that scene where Johnny Knox was in the kitchen and just like drinking soda and eating his cookie in the dark. It's very cool. So Cults and Cookies.
And then, yeah, we didn't even actually talk about the big blast of Belinda Carlisle that happened. I love it when yeah, just all of a sudden that song just pumps. Yeah, even as a play song. So I'm just like, is the title Remember Belinda Carlisle? It's such a bullseye title for a movie. And Belinda Carlisle is punk enough to love it.
So yeah. Well, that's so similar. It's so similar to what was the song that like had a huge like resurgence because of Stranger Things.
Running up that hill. Yeah, I feel like this movie was made before that season obviously came out. I don't know if it's filming at that point. But like, it's very like, I think they're really on to something.
I think they, I would have to imagine part of the reason for making this movie is seeing the success of Stranger Things and how 80s are just ripe for like, for, you know, a nostalgic look back. So yeah, they were had this movie been a hit. Belinda Carlisle and the satanic panic resurgence.
Yes, right. Oh, God, that's true. Yeah, the relevancy of that, which is kind of what I like. That's also actually just one thing I want to mention. What I like that the movie didn't look all 80s. You know, it was like, said in the 80s, it was the throwback of that. But it's also so relevant. You know, it's a cheeky little thing.
Like, we're going to tell you it's the 80s. And we're going to talk like it's the 80s. But we're not going to give you those dull 80s color lenses and whatever.
It's going to look mod, you know, I kind of like that little, little twist on it. But yeah, it feels more more I can immerse myself in it more when they're not adding like weird little grainy effects and stuff.
Yeah. Or like in the 70s, where the only color was orange, yellow. Like, yeah, Yeah, I you know, another one, Mandy is like an example of sort of a horror movie that is not technically said in the 80s, but the whole vibe is 80s, but also like 80s, arthouse insanity, like trippy entire schemes are purple forever. Yeah. Cool.
Jesse, you got any other ones? Yeah, my only other one is hocus pocus.
Okay, it felt very hocus pocus with these three girls doing evil, if not witchcraft, but still evil. And yeah, they were highly sexualized.
Oh, that's where you're getting the pork is from. Pork is pork us. Yeah, yeah, pork us.
Yeah, they they talk. I mean, they even say this one girl is a good Christian girl or whatever, but they like frequently say like like anyone have a threesome with us? That's oh, yeah, no, there. Yeah, which by the way, that would have been a foursome. But I mean, I don't want to get pedantic.
What's starting now? Why start now?
Puts over. I'm going to move on.
So we got we got only two suggestions this week because I think a lot of people haven't seen this movie, but we got Christ's false flag. Which is cute. Yeah. So I'm going to write that down. We like it. And then three Stooges on the Highway to Heaven. No, I know. Yeah, I think all this. Yeah, we're going to read about it in the comments.
It follows is one of the greats, one of the best. I should follow everyone.
Cool. Well, I, I think we're good. So Nandi, thank you so much for coming on. Is there anything you want to plug? Where can we find you? Obviously crack, but. Yeah, find me on cracks on Twitter. And hopefully see you guys again on the part. This was so much fun. Thanks for having me. Yeah.
What are you? What's your what are you on Twitter? What's your handle?
Oh, that's a Nandi. Oh, there you go. Yeah, very easy.
I should actually I see Jordan with his at I'll do that next time. There's no point in doing anything unless I'm self promoting. You know, every time I go into a Taco Bell, I carry a sign that says that has my handle on it. You just got to be proactive if you want to.
I'm terrible. It's all for my shame. And I've been doing it since 2016. And I'm still terrible.
Well, you got to have no matter you go. Right. I was in a band for so long.
And nobody would ever listen to anything. Even if I like I would have to jigsaw them into a room, tie them to a bed to get them to like listen to anything that we did.
And it was pretty good. I'm not gonna lie. Our music is fine. I heard some of it.
And so I all I would ever do is is is promote self promote all the time. And then all of a sudden we started doing comedy and everybody's mad at me all the time. So there's there's people all over the place.
So now that all those the shame is gone, I guess is what I'm trying to say. There's no shame left. So I'm happy. I'm not Jordan breeding. I'm at the underscore J breeding. That's who I am now.
I just kind of forget to do that. Like after every part, like someone's always like, okay, where can they find you? Like right behind you. I got in your in your boathouse sifting through your tackle box.
Yeah. Right. I mentioned that like 10 times. Yeah. Juicy Thighs, where can we find said thighs? Yeah.
Follow me on Twitter for more thigh content at. Now I'm going to unfollow you actually.
For the best. And as I've mentioned several times, because even as it sounds like I'm telling a story or a joke, I am still self promoting at the underscore J underscore breeding on Twitter. That's nobody's really watching anyway. So it's worth. Yeah.
Michael Dieter says I've heard Jordan has a YouTube channel. I do have a YouTube channel. And actually today I got approved to put some stuff on it. So starting next year. Uh, if you like me talking about things for a really long time and really inconvenient locations, I will be doing that some. So follow me on the YouTubes. It'll be fun.
That's it. Goodbye, everyone.
Thanks again, Zainandi. I appreciate you very much. Awesome. Cheers.
Bye. Fine. All right. I'm throwing it to the, I'm throwing it to the people. All right. Toss this.
This is Jonestown meets the Adams family. So as Irish lover. That's fun. I think that's sort of true. I don't think anybody likes each other very much. Like the Adams family.
It's spelled Richard Linklater, but it's pronounced throat warbler man. Awesome. Thanks.
That's what you get when you just don't read things. Let's get that one. Miss this one, but it sounds similar to the craft or Jennifer's body. I haven't seen those. We're bringing Brian on. Brian moment. Wait, did you even watch this movie? I haven't seen this movie, but based off of what you guys are describing, it definitely has very Jennifer's body vibes. Great. I haven't seen.
There you have it. There's plenty. So between the two of us, I think. That comment is Brian approved. I think you're right, Dave. Good job. Kid tested. Brian approved.
And I'm just going to bring anime, sexy anime up, just to say it's like how all of us is somehow part of the Wu-Tang Clan. We got to get this image on our screen every week. Is that like some huge percentage of the world's population is related to Genghis Khan. Is that similar with the Wu-Tang Clan? And also the Wu-Tang Clan broke up because they all broke their noses or whatever and fell asleep and drowned.
All right. Let's do alternate titles. I don't have many, but I have a few.
You guys ready? Are we ready for this? Do it. Did we tell you that this was the thing? Did Jesse tell you that?
Yeah, but I actually knew I have watched the part of you guys. Oh, well, you're the first. So cool.
So the only one that I really liked was Satan exclamation point at the metal show. Because we do that riff a lot. And then I said death to the patriarchy just to try and, you know, with Demolition Man, I said insecure heterosexual males. And a lot of people watch just to be mad about it. So every once in a while, I'll do a title that only loosely ties, but is something that you could see people getting mad at. And, you know, it all pays the same. So every once in a while, even if we're not going to talk about it.
So that's what I got. And then Jesse, I did write down the girls have eyes because I think that one's wonderful. I like that too. Since we're on the subject, I do want to say I kind of like the new panic at the disco album.
You guys you guys on that? Have you heard of that? I didn't. It's OK. Here's here's how I got it. So do you guys know the podcast song exploder? Yes. Have I brought that up before?
OK, so they did that on like the lead single or whatever from the new panic album. And like so I heard like what went into it before I actually heard the song. And that got me like hooked right away.
So anyway, I really like their fourth album and their fifth album. What's this one? Like their seventh album. That's it. I saw them live a handful of years ago. They're pretty good. And by they, I mean, Brendan Urie, because that's the only one left. But I saw them touring on their first album, actually.
And it was like very theatrical, as you might imagine. Yeah. I anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that it's more than just a naming convention. I actually kind of like Panic at the Disco. Great.
I really, really everyone thinks that's dumb, in which case I hate them.
I really like the fourth album. They change their genre like every album. The fourth album is a very kind of like a neon Las Vegas style that I really like. And then even more so, the fifth album is like lounge music. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like modern lounge music and it really showcases his range and it's really cool.
And then everything to the sides is fine. But those were the two that I just like really enjoyed. But Zainandi, what do you got for us?
That is not inexplicably, for no reason, Panic at the Disco thoughts. Well, yeah, I mean, I actually can't remember the last time I listened to Panic at the Disco.
So I'll catch up for the next part, guys. Yeah. I'll come with my knowledge. Yeah. Send it through. Okay. So I've got titles.
I've got Reckless Alexis because I mean, that's just I love it. When he calls a Reckless Alexis.
Cults and cookies. Yeah. I really love that scene where Johnny Knox was in the kitchen and just like drinking soda and eating his cookie in the dark. It's lyrical. So cults and cookies.
And then, yeah, we didn't even actually talk about the big blast of Belinda Carlisle that happened. I love it when, yeah, just all of a sudden that song just pumps. Yeah. Heaven is a place on Earth. So I'm just like, is the title Remember Belinda Carlisle? I think that would be such a bullseye title for a movie. And Belinda Carlisle is punk enough to love it. So yeah. Well, it's so similar.
It's so similar to what was the song that like had a huge like resurgence because of Stranger Things. Running up that hill. I feel like this movie was made before that season obviously came out. I don't know if it's filming at that point, but like it's very like I think they're really onto something. I think they I would have to imagine part of the reason for making this movie is seeing the success of Stranger Things and how 80s are just ripe for like for you know, a nostalgic look back. So yeah, they were had this movie been a hit Belinda Carlisle. And the satanic panic resurgence.
Yes, right. Oh, God, that's true. Yeah, the relevancy of that, which is kind of what I like. That's also actually just one thing I want to mention. What I like that the movie didn't look all 80s. You know, it was like set in the 80s. It was the throwback of that. But it's also so relevant. You know, it's a cheeky little thing.
Like we're going to tell you it's the 80s. And we're going to talk like it's the 80s. But we're not going to give you those dull 80s color lenses and whatever.
It's going to look more. You know, I kind of like that little little twist on it. But yeah, it feels more more. I can immerse myself in it more when they're not adding like weird little grainy effects and stuff.
Yeah. Or like in the 70s where the only color was orange yellow. Like, yeah, I you know, another one, Mandy is like an example of sort of a horror movie that is not technically set in the 80s, but the whole vibe is 80s, but also like 80s art house insanity. Like trippy entire scenes are purple forever. Yeah. Cool. Jesse, you got any other ones? Yeah. My only other one is Hocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus. Yeah.
It felt very Hocus Pocus with these three girls doing evil, if not witchcraft, but still evil. And yeah, they they were highly sexualized.
Oh, that's where you're getting the pork is from. Pork is pork us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pork us.
Yeah, they they talk. I mean, they even say this one girl is a good Christian girl or whatever, but they like frequently say like, like, you want to have a threesome with us?
That's all. Yeah. No, there. Yeah.
Actually, by the way, that would have been a foursome. But I mean, I don't want to get pedantic.
Why start now?
Puts over. I'm going to move on.
So we got we got only two suggestions this week, because I think a lot of people haven't seen this movie, but we got Christ's false flag. Which is cute. Yeah. So I'm going to write that down. We like it. And then three stooges on the highway to heaven. No, I know. Yeah, I think all this. Yeah, we're going to argue about it in the comments. It follows is one of the greats, one of the best. I should follow everyone. Cool. Well, I, I think we're good.
So, Nandi, thank you so much for coming on. Is there anything you want to plug? Where can we find you? Obviously, crack. Yeah, find me on crack on Twitter. And hopefully see you guys again on the pod. This was so much fun. Thanks for having me.
Yeah, what are you? What's your what are you on Twitter? What's your handle?
Oh, that's a Nandi. Oh, there you go. Yeah, very easy.
I should actually I see Jordan with his at I'll do that next time. There's no point in doing anything unless I'm self promoting. You know, every time I go into a Taco Bell, I carry a sign that says that has my handle on it. You just got to be proactive if you want to.
I'm terrible. It's all for my shame and I've been doing it since 2016. And I'm still terrible.
Well, you got to have no matter you go. Right. I was in a band for so long. And nobody would ever listen to anything, even if I like, I would have to jigsaw them into a room, tie them to a bed to get them to like, listen to anything that we did. And it was pretty good. I'm not going to lie. Our music is fine. I heard some of it.
And so I all I would ever do is is is promote, self promote all the time. And then all of a sudden we started doing comedy and everybody's mad at me all the time. And so there's there's people all over the place.
So now that all those the shame is gone, I guess is what I'm trying to say. There's no shame left. So I'm happy. I'm not Jordan breeding. I'm at the underscore J breeding. That's who I am now.
I just kind of forget to do that. Like after every part, like someone's always like, okay, where can they find you? Like right behind you. Out in your in your boathouse sifting through your tackle box.
Yeah. Right. I mentioned that like 10 times. Yeah. Juicy thighs. Where can we find said thighs? Yeah.
Follow me on Twitter for more thigh content at. Now I'm going to unfollow you actually. And as I've mentioned several times, because even as it sounds like I'm telling a story or a joke, I am still self promoting at the underscore J underscore breeding on Twitter.
Oh, that's good. Nobody's really watching anyway. So it's worth. Yeah.
Michael Dieter says I've heard Jordan has a YouTube channel. I do have a YouTube channel. And actually today I got approved to put some stuff on it. So starting next year, if you like me talking about things for a really long time and really inconvenient locations, I will be doing that some. So follow me on the YouTube's. It'll be fun.
That's it. Goodbye, everyone.
Thanks again, Zanandi. I appreciate you very much. Awesome. Cheers. |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_will_happen_if_you_vote_for_the_other_guy_ | And so, during these pivotal times in our nation's history, the inauguration of Bird J. One-Stone will be remembered for decades to come. It is a great honor to introduce the next president of the United States.
Fire the nukes! Fire them all! First act as president! Fire every nuke!
And now for the oath of office. What? Where we officially swear you in as president. Right. Place your right hand on the bible and repeat after me. I remember now. I solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president. I solemnly swear to faithfully execute the office of president.
Is this new? Is this a new thing?
To preserve. And protect! And protect.
Are we... are we done?
And no nukes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new president of the United States. I had a speech. You already... you already heard it. So... Umm...
Reese's Puffs. I got Reese's Puffs in a bowl. Now my days on group control. I got Reese's Puffs in a bowl. Just like that I'm on a roll. Reese's Puffs.
Beat him up.
Reese's Puffs.
Beat him up.
Hey everyone, it's your favorite wizard, Magius. I'm running for president and the best way to vote is to subscribe or share with a friend. Firstly, I'm going to come out strong on education and my next policy... |
TheOnion | Small_Town_s_UFO_Scare_Revealed_To_Be_Alien_Hoax_Season_1_Ep_8_on_IFC | This fall the onion news network returns.
We have an incoming news blast for you now Well for all those skeptics out there You were right the string of recent UFO sightings here in Pennington have turned out to be nothing more than a hoax Carried out by aliens. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. That's right Blake the unidentified flying objects We've all been worried about were just a prank perpetrated by our local immature extraterrestrials ground round manager Tim Seidel and his dog gladiator Discovered the truth about the fake UFOs when they came upon a suspicious looking bin out by the quarry last night When Tim and Sheriff Dan Stevens opened it they found a remote control glow-in-the-dark Frisbee with three LED lights on it I knew when this whole thing started. I said this isn't a spaceship This is just a bunch of aliens screwing around and there you go. I was right Amateur astronomer Doug Kranowitz even got some footage of the aliens flying the Frisbee last night mayor Sue Hallinan eased residents fears of new aliens earlier today Only spaceship in Pennington is the one that brought the aliens here originally and it has not moved from lot 14 of the Shadycrest mobile Home park since it got here end of story Well, that's certainly good news Diane, but does anyone know how they managed to fake all the abduction? Unfortunately, those seem to be very real The UFO hoax is just what the aliens have been doing with their downtime when they're not disemboweling human specimens. I see |
dropout | full_benefits_the_reveal | Psst. Sarah, I'm hungry. Let's go get breakfast.
Sarah, wake up. Wake up, Sarah. Sarah, wake up.
Okay, I know you're doing that thing where you make my boobs jiggle. David, stop. Jesus, that's so close to my face. Sorry.
Sarah. David.
I literally couldn't have moved in that time.
Oh, good. There you are. Oh, hi, kinky. No, this is not about that.
Okay, listen, I think people are on to us, okay? Maybe, maybe I'm just being paranoid, but oh, oh, I just can't help feeling like everyone knows. Nobody knows, okay? Trust me. I haven't told anyone.
Have you? No, but what if we did tell people? That wouldn't be so bad, right? Then, then we could both stop worrying. Technically, you're the only one worrying. Fine, but what if we just went out right now and told everyone? I'm just... You know what?
I'm gonna do it. David. I'm doing it. David, wait.
Hey, everyone. We've got a little announcement to make. Sarah, why don't you come on and join me? So, we don't want to make this any more awkward than it has to be, but for the last month, Sarah and I have been hooking up. So, okay.
That's great, guys. I knew you guys were up to something. Hey, I heard about your guys budding romance and I couldn't be happier. You make an adorable couple. Thank you guys. That means so much to us.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. For your honesty, your bravery, and most importantly, love. I present you with this key to the city. May your love continue to prosper and grow, much like this city has, now and forever. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. I can't believe I ever doubted you.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Was it the mayor? Okay, first of all, we're not in love. I just thought I'd add it to the piece. And second of all, that's not what would happen. Okay, well you know what? I don't care. I'm sick of being paranoid. I'm just gonna go out there and tell them. Oh, David, David, don't. Hey, everyone. Sarah and I have a little announcement to make, and Sarah's going to make it. Sarah? OK, fine. David and I have been sleeping together for a month. There, it's out. It's not a big deal. Why would you make an announcement like that at work? Sorry, Pat. We just thought that if you'd grow degrees.
You'll never work again. Mom, not anymore. Dad, you disgust me.
What are you? Hey, hey, David, David, David, David, David! No!
And my ghost haunted you forever. Wow, that was really, really disturbing.
OK, well, that's how my mind works, OK? So that's why I don't want to tell anyone. Fine, but if I never meet the mayor, it's your fault.
OK, deal. Hey, Lou. Hey.
Yeah, them two definitely fuck him. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tucker_carlson_s_texts_about_trump_biden_s_billionaire_tax_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good evening, everybody. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. and I'm Colin Jost. This weekend, bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person.
I'm, of course, talking about tomorrow's Oscars. The Motion Picture Academy has rejected a request from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to make an appearance during the Oscars, but they promise that Volodymyr Zelensky will be how John Travolta pronounces Viola Davis. organizers of the Oscars said they changed the color of the arrival carpet from red to champagne, so the mood would be more mellow. But I don't know, switching from red to champagne usually turns me into a full-on bitch.
Biden proposed his budget that would help fund Medicare with a 25% tax on billionaires. Ha, take that, Rihanna. President Biden's proposed budget included $400 million to counter Chinese disinformation. it will target the number one source of Chinese disinformation, fortune cookies.
Tucker Carlson, seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6th attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves it was a peaceful gathering, which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it's a short film about being a stepmom. New documents from the Dominion lawsuit revealed text from Tucker Carlson in which he says he hates Donald Trump passionately and can't wait until he's able to ignore him. I'm going to suck to go on Tv and put on a smile and make friends with some psychotic bigot just because it's good for the show.
Anyway, back to you, Colin. I don't get it.
Rupaul harshly criticized lawmakers who support banning drag shows, calling them stunt queen politicians. And let me just say, hallelu, girl, I got to serve realness on this one. these dusty breeders are resting on ugly, and I am gagging on it. And I'm sorry, guys, before the show, I switched from red to champagne. Oh, boy, President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban Tiktok, but only because Biden thinks Tiktok is a gang member from his old neighborhood.
After Walgreens announced that they will stop selling abortion pills in 21 states, Cvs has remained silent on the issue, While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the take abortion, leave abortion program. It was reported that the organizers of King Charles' coronation have officially invited Meghan Markle, and this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. that seems very generous, guys. |
dropout | heist_night_parts_4_5_outtakes | Hey No, wait the elevator didn't come Okay, remember everyone needs to execute their ooh whiskey face ready to reduce reuse and recycle ah Shit I missed him God damn it Oh, do you want to know the whole story?
I'm getting this light all right.
Let me start over briefcase your whole life The briefcase you're holding no, and then we knew you were holding a briefcase We switched out the briefcase There's no world the briefcase you're holding now never right We got a simple plastic bag Eat shit dumbass You hired me I went through interviews with you wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait We've got much You don't know but you've already started eating break up what if you Yeah, we tricked ya In case that you caught on to our little bag trick One Roth buck is equal to two dollars I Grabbed a decoy bag.
Well Ali you'll see later I've got it.
It sounds like you want to hear the rest of the story.
I'm sorry Let me do that real live little Paul Harvey.
It's me Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun things and send help to keep me From sinking please click please help please help |
cracked | why_benedict_arnold_was_an_american_hero_and_still_a_traitor_hilarious_helmet_history | Welcome to Hilarious Helmet History, the show where your cultural historical misconceptions are even sillier than my helmet. And I'm wearing the colonial equivalent of a helmet, which is dead hair and a goofy triangle.
Because today we're talking about the American Revolution, specifically the number one asshole of the entire revolution, Benedict Arnold. He's been dead for over 200 years, and his name is still shorthand for traitor. All anyone knows about him is that he quit on America, which is ridiculous, because Benedict Arnold pretty much won the Revolutionary War for America. He was also one of the many assholes undermining the American cause, and Benedict Arnold stinks for so many other reasons besides the whole traitor thing. But first things first, Benedict Arnold was a war hero, basically from birth. By age 18, he had run away from home three times, all so he could fight in the French and Indian War, also known as the Seven Years War, also also known as Benedict Arnold's warm-up sesh for kicking British ass in creative and cool ass ways. Arnold was a leading Connecticut patriot before the Revolutionary War. By April of 1775, he was leading Connecticut's militia against the British, and one month later Benedict Arnold captured the most important British fort in the colonies. After that, he invaded Quebec, captured Montreal, almost made Canada our 14th state, and then stopped a British counter-attack by hiring random upstate New Yorkers to build him as many boats as they could, boats which Arnold used to fight the world's best navy to a draw, even though, come on, what, how, come on, Benny.
Any one of those successes would make another soldier an eternal American hero. All three of those successes are just the stuff Benedict Arnold did early in the revolution. Let's move on. His military masterpiece, his combat Led Zeppelin IV, his actually a sergeant, Sergeant Pepper, came later in the fall of 1777.
The British tried to split the colonies in half by conquering the Hudson River Valley. American forces under General Horatio Gates fought to prevent that at the battles of Saratoga. By the way, Saratoga was a set of battles. As you may know, Gates' American troops won at Saratoga.
That win convinced the French to join the war. That French alliance made winning the war possible.
But here's what nobody talks about.
America won Saratoga because of General Gates' second-in-command, Benedict Arnold. Benny saved the day multiple times with a combination of skilled leadership, disobeying orders, and sacrificing his body. And that list sums up Benedict Arnold's approach to war and to life. Be awesome, be an asshole, and leave it all out on the field. Unfortunately, the results of that lifestyle are why he quit on America. According to historian James Kirby Martin, Benedict Arnold wrote his first secret letter to the British about switching to their side in May of 1779. And a few days before that, Arnold wrote this to George Washington. Having made every sacrifice of fortune and blood and become a cripple in the service of my country, I little expected to meet the ungrateful returns I received from my countrymen.
And that's pretty accurate.
Arnold gave up his fortune and his leg for the American cause, despite having the world's worst coworkers. Before the Revolution, Arnold was a wealthy Connecticut businessman. While Arnold was away from home winning battles, the British stole and burned his stuff. And when Arnold tried to earn back some money by running a wartime side business, he was accused of abusing his office, he was publicly shamed, and he was court-martialed.
Also, Benedict didn't just sacrifice his leg. He suffered staggering waves of leg torture. Historian Willard Stern Randall describes a battle in Canada in 1775 where Arnold felt numb in his left leg. That numbness was because he'd been shot. And I mean shot shot. The army doctor set a musket ball cleft off nigh a third of his leg. That leg kinda sorta recovered till another bullet shattered his femur at Saratoga. Arnold told a fellow soldier he'd been shot in the same leg.
I wish it had been my heart! If you're one of the very, very few fans of the show Turn, Washington Spies, first of all congrats.
Second, you have a general sense of Arnold's horrible recovery. Here is the awesomely gross specifics. Arnold refused to have the leg amputated, so his doctors set Arnold's remaining leg bones into the most leg-ish shape they could manage. The resulting, call it a leg, was two inches shorter than the other one.
Arnold spent the rest of his life in limping pain, and in return for all that sacrifice and all of his successes, Benedict Arnold was underpaid and skipped over for promotions. He also worked with people like Horatio Gates, who made a point of stealing Arnold's credit for winning at Saratoga. And that is just the tip of the toxic coworker iceberg. Most of the guys Benedict Arnold dealt with on a day-to-day basis undermined the American Revolution. General Charles Lee was another high-ranking credit thief, and Lee and Gates were both pals of General Thomas Conway, who led a military conspiracy to ruin George Washington's reputation and try to get him fired. Meanwhile, Congress refused to deal with those problems, refused to help Arnold do a fundraiser for his friend's war widow, and underfunded the army. Congress also ran army logistics through this guy, Thomas Mifflin, who did a bad job of feeding and clothing the troops on purpose just because he had a grudge against Washington. That helped create the terrible winter at Valley Forge that almost ended the Revolution. And at least one of these jerks should be famous for betraying the American Revolution.
But no!
The one famous traitor is this war hero, who only left the cause after getting crapped on by colleagues, let down by Congress, and ripped to shreds by bullets. And he's still totally a traitor. Don't forgive Benedict Arnold. He switched sides in 1780. When there was still plenty of war to fight, he gave up major military secrets. He raided and burned towns in his home colony of Connecticut. And he was also bad at being a traitor, and did it for some crappy reasons, along with the good ones. Chief crappy reason? He wanted to bone a teenager. In the same year he quit on America, 38-year-old Benedict Arnold married 19-year-old Peggy Shippen, a loyalist from a family of loyalists, who connected him with British spy John Andre and helped him every traitorous step of the way.
Arnold also brought that lack of promotions on himself. Remember, he had a heroic military resume, and George Washington's friendship. The only way that doesn't get you promoted is if you're a real pain in the... stockings?
Britches? Funny hat? I don't know.
Arnold remained a self-sabotaging jerk as a British general. Whenever he met a new coworker, who he recognized from earlier fighting, Arnold would tell that red coat to his face exactly how that guy screwed up previous battles. That overwhelming dickery pushed everyone to ignore Arnold's military advice out of spite, so he sailed all the way to England to try to get higher ranking British guys to listen to him. And while he wasted time crossing the ocean, the Americans won the war. Arnold is also one of the few people in the history of the world to lose money by selling out. He wasted the bribe the British gave him. Also when Arnold planned his transition, let's call it, American spies found out about it ahead of time, forcing Arnold to flee his home, abandoning his existing money and stuff. And after the war, Arnold moved to Canada and went into the shipping business. Unfortunately, Canada is mostly only close to America, a place where people were not excited to shark tank it up with Benedict Arnold, a man who never seemed to understand that everyone would hate him forever.
Immediately after switching sides, he sent an open letter to American newspapers explaining why, as if that would help. And as late as 1781, when Arnold was a British commander invading Virginia, he allegedly wondered what might happen if Americans captured him. The British soldier he asked about that replied, They will cut off that leg of yours wounded at Quebec and at Saratoga and bury it with all the onus of wool, and then hang the rest of you on a gibbet, a gibbet, you know, for executing somebody, cause treason. Also, fun fact, that random Brit kinda predicted the future.
Also, don't forget to hit the notification bell icon below so YouTube will notify you when we have a new video, possibly about history. |
SaturdayNightLive | pimp_chat_saturday_night_live | You're watching The Pimp Channel. live from the back of a Rolls-royce Limousine parked outside Club Sugar Shack at Nelson Avenue in Harlem, It's Pimp Chat, starring Bishop Don Mcdonald. that's right. I'm Bishop Don Mcdonald, and you're watching Pimp Chat. Because whether you're a pimp, a Mac, a player, a hustler, a prostitute, a hooker, or a ho, the game remains the same. You Must Get Paid. ha-ha. Now, tonight, I'm joined by one of the most respected players in town, Pimpin' Cal. Hey, Bishop, how you doing, baby? Fine, Pimpin' Cal. Now, exactly, how did you get into pimpin'?'
Well, you know, after junior high school, I decided to get a Phd. What? T-you got a Phd? Yeah, man, a Pimpin' Hoes degree.
Dick. Oh, man. it's not often that a player bounce back the way you did. tell us how you overcame a personal tragedy. Well, you know, man, in 1984, I was shot in the groin with a shotgun. Dick It. But God spared my life that day, man. Oh, tight. gave me another chance to do what he put me on this earth to do.
What's that? to Pimp. Mm. give me the money. give me the money. give me the money. uh-oh, you know what that means. it's time for Pimp of the Month. Now, remember, all of these nominees receive a set of lead press-on gold teeth. Pimpin' Kyle, tell us who the first runner-up is. My pimp of the month first runner-up is the Exxon Corporation, who recently made Mobile Oil their bitch. Good choice. that's a good choice, baby. But our Pimp of the Month award goes to Mr. Ghetto Fabulous himself, a man who's turned pimpin'' into politics, President Bill Clinton. And the prayers deserve lots of credit for making Ken Starr his bitch. Hey, Dick this here. pimpin'' Kyle, we got a special guest who covers some prestigious pimp territory, from the Walgreens over on Smith and 9th Street to the Grey's Papaya at 114th and Linux.
Please welcome Mr. White Chocolate. Oh, what's up, Dan Mcdonald? Oh, man, you play up. Oh, we got some white chocolate inside this ride, brother. that's right. Yeah, what's up, pimpin'' Kyle? what's up, there, white Chocolate? Yeah.
Dick this here. we threw each other for many years. But I'm gonna ask you, is it hard to be a white pimp? Oh, hell no, brother, because I got me some mad pimpin'' skills, baby. Dick it. I may be caucasian, but I might get John Stocks into this here game. Oh, see what? yeah, all I do is give some no-looks passes and just dish off some hoes, brother. man, you ain't no pimp. you just a safe haven for some hoes. what you talkin' about, punk? you the Baltic Avenue, this boy. you talkin'' to Park Place, baby. I didn't come here, so some huggie Bill wannabe try to show me no props. pimp's in the front, hoes in the back, and chumps in the truck, brother. hey, hey, hey. hey, don't play, hey. Do Not play, hey, in my caddy.
Play Or participate. All right, baby, You all right. Yeah, awesome talkin' about, Kyle. Now, dig it. tell us, when did you get serious about this here game? Well, when the brothers saw that I was down for real, dig it, then they sorta took me under their wing. right. you know how I'm talkin'' about. So then I got, you know, my schisms under my belt, how to dress, how to finesse, then all them bitches wanna come jump on my pet train, because I'm the engine, and all them hoes are the cabooses. I'm always in motion, baby, just like the ocean. all them hoes wanna come and get some of this white, chocolate, pimpin'' little potion, brother. Yeah. right on, I'm here, baby. hold on for a minute, fellas, hold up. hold on. bitch, you got my money! I'm not playin'!'
Anyway, Mr. White Chocolates, supposing there's some hoes out there watchin' at night who wanna get on your Triz app, how would they be able to contact you? Well, Mr. White Chocolates can always be reached at my baby's mother's house, or you can call me on my cellular phone. I got my cell phone on. sometimes I hooked up with that cordless phone. I keep my faxes on. I got my voicemails on. Or you can reach me on my new internet address. it's www.bitchbetterhavemymoney.com. right. right. White Chocolate, pimpin'' guy, I wish I could chat with you a little bit longer, but this is all the time we have. until next week on pimp Chat, Lay on. go play on, brother. |
cracked | 5_game_of_thrones_plotlines_ripped_right_out_of_history_today_s_topic | Without Lord of the Rings, there'd be no Game of Thrones. Basically, George RR Martin is just a gritty Tolkien. But without Beowulf, you wouldn't have Lord of the Rings. No, without Beowulf, I wouldn't have a D-minus on my high school transcript.
You know what I'm saying? I do. Look, HBO cast Boromir and then killed a moth in the first season. Fellowship much? Sure, that's an homage. What's that?
A thing you need to look up later. Seriously. The biggest influence wasn't Lord of the Rings. It was history. Specifically, War of the Roses. Spoilers, man. I'm not caught up on a history yet. I'm going to watch it on DVD when it comes out. It's been 600 years, man. You had your chance.
The two warring houses in Game of Thrones are Stark and Lannister, right? In the War of the Roses, there were also two houses who were vying for control of the English crown, and their names were York and Lancaster.
Big deal.
Lord of the Rings had fire-breathing dragons that the evil king Morgoth used to enslave all the elves. That's like Targaryen style, right? Dragons are also in Greek literature. And the Bible. And Beowulf, for that matter.
I wouldn't know.
Okay, but it's the details of War of the Roses where the parallels really start to emerge. Take Tyrion the Dwarf. Ooh! Lords of the Ring had dwarves. That's a totally different thing. In Lord of the Rings, the dwarves are like a noble, stoneworking race. In Game of Thrones, dwarves are an object of ridicule and disfigure.
Tyrion was based mostly on Richard III, who has been described as a man of short stature who was misshapen or hideous. Just like Tyrion, he was considered a monster by most of his peers and colleagues, and a brilliant strategist by a select few. Like Tyrion, he served on an advisory board and was quickly dismissed for political reasons. And like Tyrion, he was accused of murdering one of his young relatives to expedite his rise to power.
Spoilers, dude! You just ruined, like, all of the middle ages. But I'm not done!
Daenerys Targaryen, for instance. She's based on Henry VII, whose parents were also killed when he was three months old, who also lived 20 years in exile, and who reclaimed the throne of England by crossing the English Channel with a foreign army. Cersei's probably based on Margaret of Anjou.
Dude, the list goes on and on. Maybe, but Jorge stole a lot of his plots from Lord of the Rings. You got the displaced king who wanders the earth until he reclaims his throne. You have the ancient evil that's awakening, and the warrior people who built a fortress to keep it at bay. But some of George's biggest plots were stolen right out of War of the Roses. Like, okay, let's take the Red Wedding.
That was based on an actual event called the Black Dinner, in which a Scottish noble and his clan were invited over to the king's house by an opposing political faction. Everything was going peachy until the opposing faction leader served the Douglas clan's leader a black bull's head on a plate, which is a Scottish symbol for death.
Ooh, did he stab his wife and the baby? Or did they put the bull's head on him and then walk him around town? No, that was all artistic flourish from George. But they did drag them out of the house and into the courtyard and then behead them.
Still sounds made up. So Gerd Tolken maintained that he had based his stories off Earth's actual history. And if you're saying that Gerd Martin is ripping off history, what you're really saying is that it's ripping off Lord of the Rings, which is based off history. Circular logic always wins. Your circular logic would be true if Lord of the Rings actually happened. But you realize these are both fantasy series, right?
Uh-huh. If there's no elves or demon eyeball towers in the fossil record, you get that, right? Awesome. What are you doing? Looking up montage. Yep. Hi. Thanks for watching that video.
Um, please don't subscribe, because apparently if we get too many subscribers I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke, but apparently they were completely serious. Take off your shirt, sword. I don't, I don't want to take my shirt off. Take off your shirt, you show it. I don't, I'm a human being. We need the numbers. You show them the, you take off that shirt. Yeah. |
cracked | richie_rich_cracked_responds | Guys, Richie Rich trailer, Netflix, remember Richie Rich? No. Decades and decades ago? Barely. They're doing it again.
What a treat for us all. Don't open the trailer with the worst effects I've ever seen. Did he consciously make his room look like Pee-Wee's Playhouse or was that a happy accident? My name is Richie. Oh, his voice is insufferable. Except that I am a trillion dollars. Netflix, so you know it's going to be good.
I used all the vegetables I never ate to create a new energy source and sold it for a lot of money. And just in case the audience doesn't know what's going on, they showed a picture, a stock photo image of assorted vegetables. Then the Ghostbusters do not sign. And a bunch of arrows pointing through the vegetables.
And then a buzzer going, meh. Now I live in a huge mansion with my family. That piece of shit just played a calculator like the guitar. Like an accounting calculator from decades ago. I want to pause this.
He's fucking that robot, right? Absolutely. There's no other reason to build yourself a robot in a sexy French made outfit.
He was a child when he made her. So she's probably not anatomically correct. So he won't actually be able to do anything with her.
Even though I have all this money, I still just like to hang out with my friends. If he didn't have any money, they wouldn't have that kind of fun. Who's made of money? I'd like to break down this party.
Chicken costume. Spaceman, DJ. Yeah, is that Daft Punk?
None of this is what a 12-year-old would buy with a trillion dollars. You can see he's got a telescope just pointing straight out the window at his water slide.
It's really bad that you blasted through the ceiling into my gorilla habitat with all the days to wear banana lip gloss. This girl just went and wore lip gloss that tasted like bananas. So the gorillas ignored that part of her face and beat her entire body. Just savaged her body. And then she's just like, yup.
You know what I feel like maybe this show isn't for us? Who's the audience for this? Hey, kids, there are a bunch of 20-somethings who remember Richie Rich as a live-action movie that they didn't care for based on a comic book that they've never read. And now you are children.
Here's this piece of shit. I'm just reading this drug code. I learned that terrible catastrophic decisions are made every day by people with entirely too much influence.
Richie buying the gorillas? Netflix making Richie?
Well, kind of. It's kind of both. Let me ask you guys this. What is the version of Richie Rich that you would watch? Batman. Yeah. Hey, everybody.
Thank you for watching our video. It was just a dream to make it. Why don't you, in the comments, let us know what other reboots you would like to see. What mediocre shows from your past do you hope they make again?
Hope they don't make. What do you never want to see? Tell us in the comments what you don't want to see. It's the worst show you could imagine. No interest in ever seeing Netflix try this ever again.
People are going to say, crack response, and then I'm going to get very sad. I'm going to read it. Well, we kind of set ourselves up for that one. Subscribe. |
ClickHole | globalist_billionaires_have_arranged_a_secret_meeting_in_davos_where_they_re_hanging_out_without_me | The globalists are gathering, folks. They are getting ready for something very disturbing. And if you're one of the people who understands just how evil these bloodsuckers are, then you're not going to like what I am about to tell you. Globalist billionaires have arranged a secret meeting in Davos where they're all hanging out without me. This is true.
This is happening, and I wasn't even invited. The globalists don't want anyone to know about this secret meeting, but I have a very high-up source who told me it's happening, and honestly, I kind of wish he hadn't because now my feelings are pretty hurt. It just feels bad not to be included, you know? What's even worse is that when my source told me about this secret globalist meet-up, I, of course, had to pretend I already knew about it so he wouldn't think I wasn't invited, which was really embarrassing.
Made me feel horrible. Ruined my day.
I mean, if this thing were just one or two Davos vampires meeting up on the top floor of a Manhattan skyscraper, I wouldn't be so upset about not being included, but every single bloodsucking globalist billionaire in the world is there. What really makes me sick to my stomach is the fact that these Davos billionaires have access to data on every American citizen, and they couldn't even be bothered to shoot me a quick email saying, hey, Doug, we're doing this thing in Davos. Want to come? God, they're so clicky. Listen, folks, don't let your mind be enslaved by these people's one-world utopia propaganda. These globalist billionaires are fake friends, and frankly, I deserve better. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_flaco_the_owl_dies_kfc_launches_fried_chicken_pizza_snl | A new report shows that South Korea now has the world's lowest birth rate, despite the efforts of South Korean entertainer Nick Kan-oon. Nick Kan-oon. yeah, I know, we got to hear you. I hate it. a new trend among parents is to choose baby names that sound cool as tiktok handles. Great news for little baby trick shot covid hoax.
Flocko, the beloved owl that escaped from the Central Park Zoo, died last week after he flew into a building. Flocko will be remembered for his famous last words, Oh cool, another owl.
Staten Island Officials. Staten Island officials are holding a separate St. Patrick's Day Parade that will welcome Lgbtq groups who are banned from the official parade. Because sadly, on Staten Island, Lgbtq stands for let's go bully the queers. I know, that's not what it should stand for. I feel attached. a new study claims Fremont, California is the happiest city in America, while the saddest city in America is once again Puppy Grave, Indiana. which, incidentally, is the favorite vacation spot of Mitch Mcconnell. March is Women's History Month, which is always nice, except for that one week where it's a huge bitch. remember when you cheered to the beginning? Kfc has introduced a new item that's a combo of fried chicken and pizza called Cheetza. though they warn it could also cause a combo reaction called Vomeria. |
dropout | Shut_Up_and_Buy_This_iPhone | Aren't these things almost a thousand dollars despite the cheap labour used to make them 100%? But what are you going to do about it? Not buy an iPhone?
Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Don't make me laugh.
You're a nutsack, so buy the... iPhone. You need a phone, right? You can't call in to work with carrier pigeon. What are you going to do? Take your fixie down to the phone smith and grab a hand-made Samsung you dumb piece of... You think an android was made under better working conditions you stupid Pollyanna...
We've got you cornered, pissbag. It's our world now.
Drive an electric car? That electricity still comes from fossil fuels. Eat vegan?
Your groceries are picked by exploited migrants. You couldn't be good if you tried. So wallow in your sin and play some juice jam on your phone while you're at it. The way I see it, you've got two options. One, you could organise with other working class people, go on strike, form unions and collectives, unite together with your friends, family and neighbours to dismantle the systems of oppression and inequality in our society. I know it sounds hard, but it's actually not that hard. You could start right now. You're on the computer. You're a click away from being better. Or you could be a nasty little pig and buy the... phone.
The new iPhone. Squeal for me, pig. Squeal. Hey gang, Brennan here.
If you dig CollegeHumor and want to support what we do, sign up for Dropout. For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord. And exclusive content such as Dimension 20.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today. Or don't. You know, do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I don't even know you. That would be crazy.
It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
TheOnion | Internet_Archaeologists_Find_Ruins_Of_Friendster_Civilization | Well, it was called Friendster, and at its peak, it was a vibrant social network with more than 50 million members. Fifty million?
That's right. But then, out of the blue, the civilization just ended. Oh. And the site was completely abandoned. Strange. Today, Friendster users were posting a seemingly endless stream of bulletins about awesome parties and cool shows, and then nothing. That is so eerie. Total silence. Today, the ruins of the site remain perfectly preserved as they were at the time of Friendster's demise, sometime around mid to late 2004 AD. Wow. Their lives just come to a complete stop, like a fly trapped in amber. Exactly.
It's really beautiful. You can see how much work went into it. Now, you just made this amazing discovery just by looking through an old desktop's browser history? That's right. And as soon as I entered the site, I knew I was the first human being to lay eyes on those pages in many, many years. There must be so much to learn from the remnants of this site. There is. Evidence suggests Friendster users or friends were a simple people, spending most of their time gathering the names of bands to display on large ornamental favorite music lists. Oh, I'm getting chills just looking at it.
Great things were important to them, just as they are to us today, but they revered something called six feet under, as well as the shins. They also prized photos of themselves drinking. Everyone looks so happy.
Such a mystery. So what happened to Friendster? Well, no singular explanation is universally accepted. Some of my colleagues believe that a computer virus may have wiped out a large portion of the Friendster users, and then the rest fled their accounts out of fear. Oh, no. Others believe that Friendster was only meant to exist temporarily, to fill a void left by another mysterious civilization known as Aul. Now, if the public is interested, they can go to visit the ruins of the website at www.friendster.com.
All we ask is that they leave, that they don't alter any content. They leave the site just as they found it.
Of course. Well, thank you, Dr. Fry, for being our guest. Well, thank you. My pleasure.
Coming up, a new study has linked heart disease to eating like a big, fat, disgusting pig that no one could love. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nan_washington_saturday_night_live | My first guest at his event is an event planner who just started writing a book on the do's and don'ts of throwing your own party and has tons of ideas for different party themes. Please welcome Nan Washing-tung. okay. sorry. I'm sorry. it's okay. I'm sorry. uh, it's okay, Nan. welcome. welcome to the weekend!
Update.: Oops. these wheels are faster than the chair I practiced on at home. I'm gonna go look at these wheels real quick. No, no. you don't look at the wheels, Nan. it's fine.
And, you know, you don't need your own microphone. I know, but I want it. Okay, listen, I think this is just such a great idea for a book. Oh, my gosh. thank you. it just talks about parties, different theme ideas, just suggestions, suggesting ideas for themes for parties. that's great. let's hear some ideas. um, yeah, okay.
I thought about, like, like a pancake party. Okay. a pancake party? great. yeah, it's like you have people come over and you, like, you can make different kinds, all kinds of pancakes, like plain ones, or, like, blueberry, just. yeah, yeah. just, like, get everyone together. Yeah, yeah. no, that, uh, a pancake party. that could be fun. what other ideas do you have? Also, you can be in one part of the kitchen and make really, really thick pancakes. And the other people, they can have. you can have people making really thin pancakes. like, have different teams. Sure. and kids can come. uh-huh. And they could be, like, on a different pancake team. And the rules would have to be different for the kids, I guess, because they can't use the stove. Yeah. a pancake party, that's one great idea. what else do you got for us? If you have, if you just get some food coloring, you can make, like, colored pancakes. you know, like orange pancakes. yep. and blue. uh-huh.
And pink-ish. Yeah. and, like, dark. Sure. some dark pancakes. mm-hmm. It could be darker than the other pancakes. Yeah. and others could be lighter. uh-huh.
And it's also fun. Then you can make a lot. and then, just, like, start putting them all over your house. I'm sorry, what? like on the stairs. uh-huh. or, like, on counters. And you can also play a game where you make, like, really mini pancakes and hide them everywhere. like under the curtain or in the garage. Okay, so Pancake Party. such a great idea. What else you got, man? I do have another idea, but it's probably really stupid. No, we would love to hear it. Okay, you just get your friends together. and, like, everyone's dressed up like the 70s. great. and you see who. like, everyone's trying to make the highest stack of. pancakes? Yeah, pancakes.
And the highest stack wins the whole day. And they're the boss for the day. And there's a grand prize that everyone wants. Well, I mean, that's not a bad idea. like, what would the grand prize be? syrup. um, I guess. Oh, is that it?
Nan Washington, everyone! Party planner, Nan Washington. |
dropout | hardly_working_that_s_the_thing | Hey man, dude. I am so sorry about missing your party. Come on. Where were you? I know I am sorry Next time you got it Oh Jake. I'm I'm also so sorry. I missed your party, too I apologize.
I wanted to go I just that's fine. Don't worry. No. No, I hope I hope it wasn't a bust I really apologize.
No, it was actually really really cool. Oh cool. Cool.
Like so like a mellow a mellow night That's I would have lined it up, but that's no actually a ton of guys showed up Guys, right. It's like like a sausage fest. Yeah, I'm just so many guys. That's too bad. No, no, don't get me wrong This shinde was mostly girls, but it doesn't even matter, you know, cuz it's always so hard to even talk to girls So those parties you just wind up talking your buds all night.
Anyway, don't even talk to the girl That's the thing. Honestly, normally I'd agree with you But last night I talked to one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen ah and she had a boyfriend I know this that's the thing. She was totally single probably had a jealous.
Oh, that's the thing That was actually the thing. They had a really healthy break They don't keep in touch. That was the man. I bet your your floor got so scuffed with all those shoes No, no, that was the thing. They all put the shoes in a neat little pile by the door everyone using your bathroom sink I bet your soap dispenser was bone dry this brother Somebody came to my party with a bottle of Dove hand soap, you know, it's crazy It's the nicest soap I've ever used all your food and catering from a friend lame music smashing pumpkins performed an impromptu acoustic Billy Oregon was not moody. In fact, he was the life of the party must have didn't make me jealous He was very humble and gracious about it. So we ended up sharing the spot everybody Nobody noticed how dusty the top of my ceiling fan was actually four separate guests said how clean they thought it was including a proctor and Gamble executive wants to fly me to Ibiza next week to give a talk on fan cleanliness And I know what you're thinking but actually that's the thing. It is not a B's as wet.
Yeah, but there are any direct flights That's the thing. I'm flying private with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders Yeah, one of them came to my party on Facebook chatting with her right now And she's talking about a bet that they made of who can go the longest without wearing pants. Yeah They can't wait to see me chips ruffles.
Yep. No, no, dude, son of a bitch. I knew he was gonna bring that up |
TheOnion | Police_Say_School_Shooter_Had_History_Of_School_Shootings | We now continue with our coverage of yesterday's tragic school shooting at Olinda High School in Tampa Bay, Florida. That's right, Tracey.
Details are still coming in, but here's what we've learned. We know that sophomore Bobby Knowles had a troubled past, including repeated conflicts with teachers, turbulent home life, and three previous school shootings. And he was often described as a loner. Community members are asking the question this morning, could this disaster have been prevented? He was a bit unusual, but I never thought I'd see him do anything like this again. Now earlier this morning we spoke by telephone with a student at the school who was a witness to the shootings.
He's always bored. We're closed.
We have some photos of Bobby through the years. Would you mind giving us your professional interpretation? Yes. Now, looking at these photos, some aspects of his behavior may have been red flags, how he's holding that gun there. And look at the skull on his sweatshirt, the dark colors in his clothes. These are symbols that teenagers often use to express unhappiness. This morning the Onion News Network obtained some disturbing poetry Bobby had written in an English class. Let's take a look. It says, I hate everyone in school, every single one.
In a matter of days, they will all pay. Yes, I think that entry actually is a few years old. Oh, sure. That's right. This is the poem from last week.
In retrospect, should Bobby's teachers have recognized this as a warning, Dr. Loyola? Well, Tracey, it would have been very difficult for teachers to know if this poem was just standard adolescent antisocial behavior or a memory of a previous school shooting or something they really needed to be worried about. Excuse me, doctor. We've just received some breaking news. Police have just discovered plans that Bobby had made in preparation for another school shooting that he planned to carry out in February. Dr. Loyola, should Bobby's shooting yesterday be seen as a potential warning sign of that future shooting? Well, possibly, Tracey, but it's important not to jump to conclusions here. Yesterday's shooting may simply have been a cry for help and not an indication that he would become violent again. Wise words, Dr. Loyola.
Thank you very much for spending some time with us this morning here on Today Now. And stay tuned because when we come back, we're going to be talking to a teacher from Olinda High School who knew Bobby for three years and was shot by him 11 times. Stay with us. |
dropout | hardly_working_standoff | is this your card you never you never had me pick a card yo jump you and me got some unfinished business kind of it is so stupid stupid your boy here killed my kid sister in a drive-by oh my god when I don't even remember yesterday afternoon all right look I know we said no family and I'm sorry but I didn't start this war see do you have a boner yeah right yeah you believe this cloud no no he's right would you say sorry but it looks like you have a boner tucked into the waste of your genes like I could see the tip of your penis I don't have a boner okay show us show us the other side huh the other side yeah I have a boner okay why it was bumpy on the ride over here so I got a boner I don't want my homies to find out so I talked my bone why didn't you just wait in the car I was in the parking lot for an hour and a half oh shut up okay you know what now for embarrassing me I'm gonna shoot all three of you you're grabbing your boner oh shit I am why don't you just leave compose yourself and come back another time shut up okay I'm not gonna let one bonus stop me I got back up yo kill him oh it's killing time he's got a boner too my body's changing why you gotta be so mean okay you know what it's like in the streets you get one boner and everyone laughs at you yeah that would happen anywhere I mean you tuck the tip of your boner into your waistband who does that everyone just shut up okay come on let's get out of here guys wait I have a gun |
Wizards_with_Guns | when_the_mutual_friend_leaves_the_room | What's up, Mitch? What's up, Frank? Oh! Nice! So, uh, is Michael here?
Yeah, we're just chilling in here. Okay, um, real quick before we go in.
Do you mind not leaving me alone with Michael? I just don't know him very well and it gets kind of weird.
Yeah, sure, no problem. Okay, thank you.
Hey, Michael, what's up? Oh, hey, what's up, Frank?
It's been a long time, actually. I'm gonna go to the bathroom, actually.
So... What? Sorry, what? What? Were you talking? What?
Actually, really quick, before he comes back, would you mind not leaving me alone with Mitchell? Like, we don't know each other that well. It was just kind of weird before you got here. Yeah, sure.
It was just a fart. Where's Frank? He was, uh... He was right there.
That's weird. So... Actually, real quick, could you not leave me alone with Frank? It just gets kind of... Weird? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. It was just a fart. Hey, where'd Michael go? What the heck? Did you just see that?
Oh, my books! Michael, I'm so sorry. Accidents happen all the time. My fingers are so oily.
I'm, um... I'm Frank, by the way. What?
This is so crazy. I keep asking God for these signs.
Here we are. Did you guys fart in there? Oh, hey, Frank. Oh, hey, man. So what do you guys want to do?
It doesn't matter to me, as long as it's just the three of us. Just the three of us.
Just a second, guys. I gotta take this phone call. So...
Ah! It's so weird between us. Oh, Mitchell! Ah, Mitch! Ah, where are you?
Is everything cool? Yeah, everything's cool.
Yeah, that was the police. My dad's been missing for 48 hours, but... Oh, that reminds me.
Sorry to interrupt. I actually have to leave you two alone. Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense. Where are you going? No, please don't go.
Surprise! I'm back! I actually got really lonely.
Yeah, everything's great. Everything's fine.
So, what'd I miss? Ooh, hold that thought. Did you just see that?
Frank. Frank?
This is so weird. Oh my god, that's not even a revolver!
Oh, come on! Where we are? A hundred percent! A jam! Let me clear that for you. Your turn. Hey, I just realized something. What? Yeah, come on. Tell us, Michael. We're not friends!
What?
Did you just... Oh, my nice bugs! What the heck did you just... Oh! My favorite! Bugs! No!
Just chill. I think we're all pretty cool guys here, what are you... Are you listening to me?
Did you just eat a grip? He turned into a Muppet! And if you don't leave me and Michael alone, I just know... don't... That's a wrap! |
TheOnion | Your_Insides_Are_Like_A_Paper_Bag_Of_Smashed_Tomatoes_Dr_Good_Ep_1 | Well guess what? You will live! That's right, welcome to the show, I'm Dr. Goode, second opinion panel, how are you guys doing? Good now. Who are some pills? Alright. Alright, well today we're going to show you some cheap, homemade alternatives to the sun, and a little later we're going to tell you how to get knee-deep in some strange after 60.
But first, we all see the outsides of our bodies, but health is just as much about the insides. Our resident female, Dr. Lisa, helps us visualize those insides. Thanks, Dr. Goode. Let's say our body is this paper bag. Hey, I wish I had that figure. Well that's just the outside, there's a lot of complex stuff going on on the inside too.
So it's more like this bag if we dumped a bucket of smashed tomatoes into it. And that's like the organs and blood and all that stuff? Yep, I smashed these tomatoes with a big fork for a while, then with a hammer. I also stepped on them a little bit too. That is pretty much what it looks like when I'm performing surgery on someone. For doctors it can be pretty hard digging around with all that stuff.
And of course there's all those bones in there too, which are basically the same as these chicken bones. You gotta watch out for the bones. Unless of course you're looking for a bone and then it's good when you find one.
You see this? This is what you look like. Would you ladies like to see it up close?
Ah, they love it. Oh, their faces are wonderful canvases. May I kiss them? You may.
So, Dr. Lisa, our bodies are more than just red stuff, isn't that right? Did you know that over 60% of Americans are overweight?
Holy shit. So floating in all of this red stuff you've got fat, which looks a lot like this large cube of butter. Wow, look at that. Yep, that's what fat looks like.
Do you really want to do this to yourselves, America?
Of course, this is a healthy bag of tomatoes. But let's see what would happen if we introduce a virus or this adobo powder. So that big clump of powder looks like a virus floating in your body. At first, but when I mix it up...
You can't see it anymore. See?
That's why viruses are so dangerous. It's strange to think that when I love someone, I'm really just loving a bag full of stuff like this. Okay, but our bodies are more than just gore and lard, isn't that right, Dr. Lisa?
That's right. There's also excrement, which looks a lot like this soil. And this is just regular soil you bought at the soil store. Yep. Now, what we have... Oh, see that?
That is what it looks like when you have an ulcer. Get those ulcers checked out.
The first row of our audience should have bags under their seats. So stand up and hold those bags.
That's what your body would feel like if it were empty. Let's get those insides in there. Not so easy to keep those bodies alive, is it? And we have to deal with that every day.
Who do you respect more now? Doctors! That's right. Who wants soil? We'll be right back.
Coming up on Dr. Good, we'll check up on the development of the perfect human who has entered its third trimester. Perfect human is looking perfect.
I should know I'm creating it. I'm not just playing God, I'm making God.
Plus, what does it look like on the inside? Here's a hint. All white. Coming up on Dr. Good. |
dropout | everyday_acting_how_to_act_at_the_bar | Everyday acting, the theater workshop for real life situations. The bar is the ultimate stage. Anton Chekhov said this to me whilst peeing beside me at a trough urinal. If you are the first to arrive at a bar, use your mobile telephone as a prop to convince the world that you are not a sad person who drinks alone. I like to pretend to text my imaginary friend Lionel. If you have a real friend, use that to inspire you.
I personally do not. So it's that Lionel. I'm invited to a party with many important guests, including Bill Pullman. Well, yes, I can attend.
Our SVP and scene, as you can see, I have been tapping on a photo of my basement mold problem. You may be surrounded by sports fans and must convincingly blend in with them. Here, vague dialogue is key. Examples! Good sporting! Obtain the most points. Bad legs, uniform man.
Yes! When a friend's friend remembers you and you don't remember them, you must sell your performance with raw confidence. Hey, you! Correct. Hey, you! Wrong!
Now, it is of paramount importance that your audience doesn't realize that taking shots makes you want to cry and barf. We must exercise facial control. Begin. If you feel a tear on your cheek, lick it with your tongue. Lick it with your good pembroke. Very good. If you must react, be certain to overreact so comically that your audience will believe it to be ironic. For example...
Whee! Wow! Titty fuck!
Do you see?
Rebecca... Jesus, Rebecca, are you actually drinking? Good fucking Christ.
My basement mold problem. The town has condemned my house. I don't know where I'm going to live. I may move in with my cousin Nathaniel. He has an off-track bedding problem. |
cracked | three_dead_friends_episode_3 | Someone just locked some guys in there to fix something. I'm Jack. My turn. It's my turn.
Hey, I wonder if anyone's still looking for us. Where you pooping? I've been going to the mini fridge. Nice. I'm using the ceiling. Impressive. You guys have been pooping? No. I've been holding it in for three weeks.
How often do you go? We need to, man. That's how the body works. It's an old game, and the rules haven't changed.
I thought I was having phantom smells. I thought I was having a really long stroke. No, burnt feathers means you're having a stroke.
Pooped smell means somebody's pooped. Can I poop in the fridge, then?
Ooh. Uh, you're in a game. Yeah. My turn. You're gonna be cool, right? My turn. Don't fuck this up for us. I'm just gonna sit in the chair. Come on, man. Be cool.
We could have stopped him. Oh, you couldn't have stopped me.
That's a good spot, though. I haven't thought of that. You're sitting down already. Right. You're already seated. Makes sense.
My turn. Hi. I'm crack.com editor in Chief Jack O'Brien.
We just locked three writers in a room for 45 or 60 days. Don't forget. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_april_fools_part_1_j_a_archives | Jake, what is your favorite type of banana and where are you going? Downstairs for a couple of seconds, okay, I'm coming with you. Okay, you're not just relax Something was very fishy about that and I intend to find out Yes one second I Stay away to heaven Jake you check blue it Jake is gonna flip his shiatsu when he realizes that I am his April fool's present I'm gonna try to get a good look at him when I walk by Hopefully he's asleep or something See how long till he notices me Oh Welcome to wherever we are brother. Oh my god Happy April Fool's Day Take me I haven't seen this much happiness since me right the camera down turn the camera. What are you doing in LA? How did you get here? Answer your question with another question. What's LA? So you followed me on to the plane. Where's your stuff stuff? What are you talking about? Where are you staying with you?
Listen, absolutely not Your aunt is really nice. You shouldn't yell better. Okay. She wanted me to sleep in a different room. So did I Well, you at least sleep head to toe how about no Turn off the light then double no and now I'm pissed at you You |
SaturdayNightLive | timothee_chalamet_monologue_snl | Telethie Chalamet! Thank you. thank you very much. it is great to be here. it's my second time hosting Saturday Night Live. it feels like my first time because the last time was during Covid, and that was just weird. you know, I was wearing a mask the whole week. I don't think Lauren Michaels knew who I was. kept calling me Winona. But I do feel lucky to be hosting after the Sag Strike ended because up until two days ago, and I know this is what we were all thinking about, actors couldn't talk about their movies. the only thing I was allowed to talk about was that I have a commercial coming out. it's an ad for a Chanel perfume directed by Martin Scorsese. And let me tell you, when you get that call that Martin Scorsese wants to direct you, the first thing you think is, man, I really hope it's a perfume commercial. And now the strike is over, and it's like we're all returning to this magical world where actors can once again talk about their projects. come with me and you'll be in a world of shameless self-promotion.
It's okay, I can say that my new film, Wonka is out in theaters. December 15th, Fandango Keyword. Qbrandt, Fandango.com Keyword.: Damn, Qbrandt got that Oompa Loompa dump truck. If you want to view a three-and-a-half-hour film, go see Killers of the Flower Moon, or just wait for part two of Doom. just make sure before to use the bathroom.
You know, after spending 118 days thinking about Ai, it is so refreshing to be here amongst real human beings. Oh, you smell great. you seem like you have secrets. But thanks to the new Sag, the Ltv shows can't just use Ai to make it look like a crowd is bigger than it actually is. isn't that right, people in the bleachers?
The really important thing is the return of America's favorite industry, Hollywood. it's all done and we won. No more news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. hey, Marcelo, what's up? Yeah, that old-timey stuff is cute and everything, But I was just thinking, and you and I actually have a lot in common. What, do we? yeah, yeah, you know, you're a big, huge movie star, and I'm on my second season of Snl. Oh, yeah, okay. but there is something else that we have in common. that's right. right. we both have a baby face. that's correct. let's talk to him, right? let's do it. Okay. okay. this song dedicates all the baby face dudes out there. shout out Justin Bieber. shout out Bruno Mars, lil' Ass. Hey, check it. Listen.
I got a baby face, but my hips don't lie. say I'm a bad kid, bitch. I'm a bad guy. I got a baby face, but I'm hung like my dad. Trust me, baby, this be the best you ever had. I got a face like a youngin',' but the body of a dude. to hide your wife, hide your grandma, too. child like demeanor, but I'm full grown. I got trapped in a boobies, call my ass home alone. I got a baby face and a rough ira. I took her out to Denny's and my ass ate for free. yeah, me and your girl have fun, Z. And right after our face, you want to see me in a one day. I got a baby face. yeah, I look real shy. Say I'm a bad kid, bitch. I'm a bad guy. I got a baby face. and your girl and my crib. Trust me, baby, I eat the booty with a bitch.
I smoke, I go to court. I gamble, I got divorce. say, say, and Girdle. don't say a horse. I do my taxes on my own. nobody do it for me.
But before we go to sleep, we need a bedtime story. pumpkin, hey. wake up in the morning, little man up in my sheets. I thought he was a kid. I had to check his Id. I cannot believe this little guy is 33. that was close. Whoo! Stanchatory, because at the bar, he was cute. he was shy. he was nice, but bitch, fucked up my man. went to jail twice.
I'm in love, because I know that he a boss. and I do what he say, and I do what he want. y'all really going to do a baby face song without your boy? Oh, ok. my bad, Kenan. why don't you spit something? oh, you mean like this? yeah. yo, I've had this face since Kenan and Kel. I aged like a vampire. I aged like for real. all my life, I've been a cutie on Tv. they think I'm 19, but I'm really 63. I got a baby face, but my lips don't lie. they say I'm a bad kid, bitch. I'm a bad guy. I got a baby face, but I'm thick like my dad. Trust me, baby, this be the best you ever had. we got a face show for you tonight, boy genius.
Is this it? And I really hope it's a perfume commercial. And now the strike is over. And it's like we're all returning to this magical world where actors can once again talk about their projects. come with me of shameless self-promotion. It's ok. I can say that my new film Wonka is out in theaters.
December 15th, Fandango, Keyword, Hugh Grant. Keyword,: Damn, Hugh Grant got that Oompa Loompa dump truck.
If you, one of you, a three and a half hour film, go see Killers of the Flower Moon. Or just wait for part two of Doom. just make sure before to use the bathroom. you know, after spending 118 days thinking about Ai, it is so refreshing to be here amongst real human beings. Oh, you smell great. you seem like you have secrets.
But thanks to the new Sag, the old Tv shows can't just use Ai to make it look like a crowd is bigger than it actually is. isn't that right, people in the bleachers? Look, the really important thing is the return of America's favorite industry, Hollywood. it's all done and we won. no more news.
Hey, Marcello, what's up? Yeah, that old-timey stuff is cute and everything. But I was just thinking, and you and I actually have a lot in common. What, do we? yeah, you're a big, huge movie star, and I'm on my second season of Snl. Oh, yeah, okay. But there is something else that we have in common. that's right. we both have a babyface. that's correct. let's talk to him, right? let's do it.
Hey, check it. Listen.
I got a babyface, but my hips don't lie. say I'm a bad kid, bitch. I'm a bad guy. I got a babyface, but I'm hung like my dad. trust me, baby, this be the best you ever had. I got a face like a youngin', but the body of a dude. to hide your wife, hide your grandma, too. child like demeanor, but I'm full grown. I got trapped in a boobies, got my ass home alone. I got a babyface, and a rough hideaway. I took her out to Denny's, and my ass ate for free. Yeah, me and your girl have fuzzy. and right after I pay, she wanna see me in a one-year-old. I got a babyface, yeah, I look real shy. say I'm a bad kid, bitch. I'm a bad guy. I got a babyface, and your girl and my crib. trust me, baby, I eat the booty with a bib.
I smoke, I go to court. I gamble, I got divorce. say, say in Gerbert. don't say a horse. I do my taxes on my own. nobody do it for me.
I thought he was a kid. I had to check his Id. I cannot believe this little guy is 33. that was close.
Whoo! Stanchatory, because at the bar, he was cute. he was shy. he was nice, but bitch, fucked up my man. went to jail twice. I'm in love, because I know that he a boss, and I do what he say, and I do what he want. Y'all really gonna do a babyface song without your boy. okay. why don't you spit something? oh. you mean like this? Yeah. yo.
I've had this face since Keenan and Cal. I aged like a vampire. I aged like Pharrell. all my life, I've been a cutie on Tv. they think I'm 19, but I'm really 63. I got a babyface. But my lips don't lie. say, I'm a bad kid, bitch. I'm a bad guy. I got a babyface. but I'm thick like my dad.
Trust me, baby, this be the best you ever had. We got a face show for you tonight. Boy, Judas is in the building. |
SaturdayNightLive | bratz_dolls_snl | No, nothing has to change, Sweetie. and none of this is your fault, But I don't want you guys to get a divorce. Don't worry. we still love you very much and your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what's best for the family. I think I think I just want to be alone.
If that's okay. Sure, honey. we're here if you need us. I guess this is growing up, huh? Oh, I wish I could talk to you guys about this. Oh, I can't believe my dolls are my only friends, Honey Bitch Sounds like you're in a crisis and we're your friends. so we're here to help you. Wait, what? Who are you guys?
Well, we're a global fashion sensations. Sexy dolls for pre-teens We are your brass dolls. Bratz, you're like a wife. Stupid queen. We watch over you every day like God, but slutty. We come to life every time a girl's parents gets a divorce. Yeah, and we're for girls who are too old for Claire's but too young for Talbot's Jade.
I have a flip boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot. I'm Gigi. I used to be an American girl doll until I found Sex and Me. I'm Dylan.
I'm a boy brats. I have a hard time making male friends because we're competitive about sports and girls. Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.
Shut the hell up with y'all Your mom says like a bitch, what's the deal with your dad? he's interesting to us. I don't love how you asked that. I guess he's a research analyst. that's weird. he seems like a Dj who loves bottle service Hot. What does this do?
Girlfriend look like? We're not blonde? Yeah, Or is she like a doll with giant eyes and platform flip-flops? Or is she a boy like me?
I I just don't get why my dad doesn't love my mom anymore.
Mmm, I'll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this. Okay, guys, I'm seriously having a hard time here. don't you have any real advice for me? Yes.
Always remember, Be true. Be real. Be brats. Okay, I'll try that. Hey, no, we're not done yet. Also, be authentic and be a bitch to every waiter you see. Thank you. Stop interrupting us, Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as brats. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.
Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug? No, sorry, we're holding stuff. We might be later though, Yeah, okay. can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now? Going to Miami with your dad? You. |
wearethesundayblues | hippo_can_t_read_hippo_croc | Hey, I need to check my email. The wife of some Nigerian prince wants to send me some money, apparently.
What? Really? Yeah, look, apparently there's also hot singles in my area that really want to date me, so I need to reply. What are you doing? Oh, you know, just browsing some audiobooks on audible.com slash sundayblues.
A friend told me about it. You don't have any friends. Well, you're my friend.
Hmm, no. Anyways, yeah, if you or anyone goes to audible.com slash sundayblues, they get a free flippin' audiobook to download if they sign up. They've got tons of them on here, like more than five. Sounds good. It does, doesn't it? Yeah, it does actually. Pretty good stuff.
Which book are you looking at? Oh, I'm looking at this one.
It's called Descartes' Bacon and Modern Philosophy by some genius named Jeffrey Tullam. Clumac. That audiobook's not actually about bacon. It's about Sir Francis Bacon, the philosopher.
No, no, it looks epic. I'm going to download it. Wait a minute. Why are you downloading audiobooks anyway? What do you mean? Well, you can't even sit still for five minutes, let alone the length of a whole book. Remember that time you got impatient and started breakdancing at the doctor's waiting room when you had that rash?
Yeah, that was a pretty good birthday, but this is different. I actually love audiobooks mainly because I have this one really embarrassing secret. A secret so shameful I've never shared it with anyone.
Oh, here we go. You see, I can't read. Yes, you can. You've been reading the text on that Audible website the whole time. I have. It's a miracle. Unbelievable.
Where are you going now? Do you have another Pilates lesson? No, I'm just going out. Wait, Croc, wait. What do I do if Sean Claude Van Damme's lawyer calls again? I told you, we weren't driving those trucks.
Oh, hello, Mom. Mom, I'm a grown hippo. I can watch Game of Thrones. |
dropout | A_Day_In_the_Life_of_Galatax | Hey, Galatex. Galatex.
Nicholas. You doing okay? Wonderful. It's 11. We have a meeting at- You didn't sleep here last night, did you? Yes. There was a work, so I fell asleep because of, you know- Listen, I know this job isn't where your heart's at. No.
And it's fine, I get it. You have that other hobby that you're into, right? What was it again that you do? It's a powerful secret, so- Right, right, right, right. And I love how passionate you are about that. You know, not every boss would let you use company space for a personal hobby. Right. You know? Thank you, yes, that's right. For sure, for sure. You just, you can't let that hobby get in the way of work, right? Right. I just, I want to see you use that same passion that you have for your hobby, and maybe start applying that to selling concissure insurance. Applying it here. Yes, no, that's a great point. Yeah. I should take my passion and apply it to my telemarketing for consti-sure. You know, this is not a bad place to work.
Got a lot of great people out here. It honestly, it feels like a family, and I want you to feel like you're part of that family. Yes, it's like a family. We all work in the same office, like a family.
You know, we're all gonna go out for a couple of brewskies tonight after work. Karaoke at O'Neill's, you wanna come?
Oh, blast! I've just remembered that I can't. I get it, hey. I just want you to take care of yourself, okay? You're right. Pound it out. Ha. Pound it out, come on. Okay, here we go. Bump that fist.
Hey, you're a blue-eyed- That a boy. Go get him, big guy. Cut! Siker. Ultra Mechatron Team Go Ultra Mechatron Team Go It's a giant fighting, kicking, punching robot of war But it can only be controlled by the chosen fold So now they work and fight and live together In the Ultra Mechatron Ultra Mechatron Team Go Ultra Mechatron Team Go If you enjoyed that clip, there's a lot more waiting for you.
You can watch the whole episode by going to Dropout. Go to Dropout.tv to start your free trial today. Now we can both go back to pretending to work.
Well, did you kill a Cotto Pumpkin? He's gone. Cotto Pumpkin.
Great news, right? Yeah, go team. Hell. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_gore_bush_third_debate_saturday_night_live | The following is an Nbc election Special. Live from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri, the third Presidential Debate. Here is Moderator Jim Lehrer. good evening. I'm Jim Lehrer. welcome to the third and final Presidential debate of the 2000 campaign between Vice President Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush. tonight's debate will follow a Town Hall format. the candidates will answer questions put to them by nearly two dozen voters from the St. Louis area, voters who remain undecided. the first question comes from Leslie Doss, and it's for Governor Bush. Ms. Doss?
Governor Bush, I've been following the campaign very closely, but I need to know more about where the candidates stand on the issues I really care about. protecting a woman's right to choose, dealing with global warming, fighting the big oil companies and Hmos. Do you and the Vice President have any differences on these issues that would help me decide which of you to support? right now, I have no idea. Well, Leslie, that's a very good question. And actually, there are differences between myself and the Vice President on those issues.
I did not realize that. Yes, and on these issues, you seem to be more in tune with him than with me. I'm kind of surprised you're still undecided.
Mr. Vice President, response? Jim, I agree with the Governor on this. on each of these issues, Leslie strongly agrees with me and disagrees with my opponent. That's right. that's right. I'm sorry, but you're not telling me anything that helps me decide. I think you should vote for Mr. Gore and not for me. I'm all agree. I still can't decide. the next question is from Dan Mcgrath, and it's for Vice President Gore. Mr. Mcgrath. Mr. Vice President, I've been following this campaign.
I've seen the first two debates, but I still haven't made up my mind. to be frank, if you or Governor Bush want my vote, I have some questions that have to be answered. go ahead, Dan. I'm going to do my best. Have either you or Governor Bush ever held elective office? have you reached the age of 35 years as required by the constitution? And are you an American Citizen? I'll step back and listen to your response. Well, Dan, those are all excellent questions. And while I can't speak for Governor Bush, let me say, I've served both in Congress and the Senate, and as Vice President for the last eight years, I'm 53, and I was born in this country. United States. Thank you. thank you. that helps me. Governor Bush. Well, Dan, I admire your skepticism, and to be quite honest, I think you're the perfect profile of a Bush supporter. undecided voter, Dan Mcgrath.
Oh, our next question is for the Vice President, and it comes from Mr. George H.w.b. George. Well, Mr. Vice President there. that's right.
As an undecided voter, I watched those first two debates trying to make up my mind there. My question is, why'd you look so agitated up there? Kind of spooky.
President Bush, I'm afraid this is a violation of the rules. questions in tonight's debate may only come from undecided voters. I'll be honest with you, Jim, haven't fully made up my mind. don't get me wrong, I love my son. love all my sons. Jeb, Governor of Florida down there. Neil had that problem with the savings and loan. Then there's George W. I want to vote for him, want to support him, but have those reservations about character. as a young man, he was bad, bad. a lot of wild oats, a lot of hoochie-goochy surfing, kind of wild, a lot of that stuff going on. So to sum up, love my son, but still on the fence. Mr. President, you are not an undecided voter.
Well, I'm leaning. I'm leaning towards W. Watch me lean. look at that lean there. leaning, but still unsure. W has not closed the deal.
Mr. President, please don't make this any harder than it is. All right, Jim, I understand. I'll just be quiet. our next question is for Vice President Gore and comes from Roger Kliman. Mr. Kliman.
Mr. Vice President, as an undecided, neutral voter, not committed to either candidate trying to make up my mind, I'm wondering about Governor Bush's risky tax scheme to steal the trillion-dollar surplus from the Social Security and Medicare wasted on a tax cut for the rich, and take us back to those awful times when his father nearly brought our economy to its knees and caused Aids and homelessness. Tell me, how would your plan differ so that I can decide which of you to vote for?
That's an excellent question, Roger, and I'll thank you for it. let me begin by saying that under my plan, the surplus would not be wasted, but protected in what I call a lockbox. A lockbox? that's a fantastic idea. I love that idea. Oh, thank you.
Next, a question for Governor Bush from Mr. Jorge H.w.b. Well, uh. Well, as an undecided Latino voter, me, English and unbiquito here, but I'd like to ask Governor Bush here, didn't that last question seem a little biased, a little skewed? Not totally on the level. that last fella, possible Shell, possible democratic operative over there. President Bush, please. All right, Jim, just trying to even things up, level that playing field, won't happen again. we have time for one more question. it's for Governor Bush. it concerns Social Security, and it comes from Barbara B. Now, Governor Bush, as a retired person living on Social Security, you are a terribly bright, charming young fella, definitely not moronic.
One other thing, live from New York, it's Saturday! Thanks for watching! |
dropout | the_almost_perfect_team_heist_night_1_5 | I don't understand, Grant. If you search Grant O'Brien Hight, it says 6-7. I'm 6-9!
So, I'm thinking poker table over here, blackjack table, racehorses, maybe? Ooh, they're big, yeah. What's going on? We are setting up a casino night for Jaredie. Areka here, she's from HR. She's organizing the effort in order to raise money for kids with, what was it again?
Whooping diarrhea. Yeah, we're trying to raise money for reinforced diapers, cough medicine for butts, asthma inhalers for butts. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Did you say money? Yeah, I mean, we don't know how much money. How much money? Well, we hope so. I mean, science is typically pretty underfunded. Funded. You guys are both saying money a lot. Money a lot.
We're going to hit over a casino night, then we're going to have to assemble the right team. Also, it'd be so much fun. Right?
And we never do stuff like this. Is it so hard to get six people who like each other to do something together for once? No, no, no. No.
We're friends. Who are we going to get? Adam? Adam.
If you're looking for an inside man, look no further than Adam Connery. His snappy style and know-it-all attitude can get him into and then kicked out of any class joint in town. If you've got Adam, you've got a sharp suit and a dough conversation.
He can't make it.
What? Are you sure? Yeah, it's super light notice.
I actually have my own heist that weekend. Unless you guys want to join up, put our groups together, it'll be fun.
Okay, so Adam's out. I'm just going to get Zach. Ugh, I guess. Yeah, he's fine. What about our pickpocket?
Oh, Cynthia. If you're looking for his sticky fingers, look no further than Cynthia Cowell. Double jointed? No. Make that double double animal style. With Cynthia. If we get Cynthia, then she's definitely going to bring along her weird boyfriend.
Do you remember? It was Gus, right? Oh, yeah. You meet that guy before? Oh, yeah.
What's his fucking deal? He had like jam on his fingers and shook my hand, like took my head and shook it. What? Yeah. This guy's fucking weird. I don't know.
Can we just do Katie instead? Katie's fine. Right, Katie.
Uh, who do you want for demolitions? Shavon.
I am in. You're sure? Yeah, I'm so in. Because you haven't really been around. This is a hot in. I'm in. This is it. I'm in.
All right, then. Okay, I'll put you on the list. Great. I mean, I can't wait. This is Friday, right? Yeah. Yeah, I might be a little bit late. You know what? I'm just going to email a couple of people. But I'm definitely in. This is it. This is the important thing for me.
The other thing is not important. You don't have to say yes. I don't want to say no. I'm not going to say no. Okay.
I just need to check on like a couple of people. What the fuck are you doing? Shavon's not coming. Nope, definitely not. Did we just get Allie and Raphael? I don't know them.
And like I like them. But two slots, a whole heist. I hear you. But like what?
Are you going to leave one out of it? Like just take one and not the other? That's like shitty.
You know what we should do? We should put on Facebook that we're going to meet at a bar. And we'll just say come.
Relax. If you want a heist, we'll heist. No big deal. What if too many people show up? You can have like a 20-person heist.
That's crazy. Or too few. Oh, that would be awful. Imagine. I wish someone else could plan this. Right?
I hate planning my own heists. Should we not do this? No, we have to.
For the children's money. Here's our target. Casino night. All right. Let's pop one over these, Governor. This new voice I'm hearing?
Yeah. Oh, don't you don't like? Whoa. Hey. You guys planning a heist? Yeah. Something like that.
Oh, my God. I freaking love heists.
Hey, I'm a real gadget guy. You got a gadget guy yet?
Yeah. But, you know, next heist, we'll totally come to you. Yeah.
We got one soon. Cool.
Just let me know. Definitely. Yeah. Sure. For sure. Yeah. Okay. Bye. So, you're kind of the Brad Pitt in this situation? Yeah. I am. Okay.
I've never seen anything like this in my life. I was hungry. No. That's something else.
Please. Please help. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_forbidden_lore_ | Yes, in response to when you said you would spank my bottom until it screamed. And yet you said you wanted to draw me a bubble bath and bring a snorkel mask. Oh my god, this is so hard. Well, you said you wanted to lather me in sweet creams and trace a poem on the small of my back. Do you? Yes, only in response to when you said you would spank my bottom until it screamed. We got it, we got it, we got it. And yet you said, and I quote, you wanted to draw me a bubble bath and bring a snorkel mask.
It's too much rose. We're good. I'm gonna empty it a little bit so that I don't spill it again. You're like a toddler. It's so constricting. Oh my god. I'll drink it, you don't have to drink it. It's my cross to bear.
Three sad men played. There were three.
I'm in danger, aren't I? Oh god, I'm in danger. Help, call the police. Guys, the poop is coming out of me.
Derek, are you in here? Definitely bang on the door. Yeah. Derek, are you in there? It might be funny if you're like wiggling the handle.
No, everything's gonna be fine. Guys, damn it, that was such a good... Derek's gonna die. I'm sorry, I won't even look at you. I'm so sorry. That was so funny. Okay, let's just help him. That's good timing. Stop, he keeps trying to kiss me. I won't.
It's a dart. Dart.
Oh, it's got a little give to it too. It's got a little give to it too.
Like a tennis racket? Do like a minimal movement, like it takes no effort from you.
What? What is it? Do you have any... Do I have any what?
Gushers. Madison Middle, bro. I used to run that school. I got to cut to the front of the line of the lunch line.
The ****?
God, I miss her so much. A little slippery. Anyway. Remember when we TP'd the PE teacher's house? Wait, wasn't your dad the PE teacher? Yeah, he spanks me good for that one. You were like stutter stepping at the beginning. I thought you were just gonna go for it.
Tonight on Purve Hunters. The Purve is right behind you. Look, look, look, look, look. Where? I don't see him. Catch him. It's your job. And I'm gonna get you. Gotcha.
We've been in contact with a disturbed 30 year old man who's been pretending to be a third 400 400 years. The minor he's been talking to has been me the whole time. This is so much fun.
Why don't you take a seat? I'll take a seat.
Damn it. We've been in contact with a 30 year old man who's been pretending to be a 12 year old boy. What is a whole ball of ear wax? It's mine.
Why don't you take a seat?
Damn it. I don't understand. I haven't molested anyone. Oh, so you just stand there and then go and like jerk off. Jerk off. Jerkily run off.
Dearly beloved. Friends. Family.
We are gathered here to gargle. To gargle garbage.
I mean, it'll be over in life. Let's play Smash. I'll take a seat.
Why is it so funny? Because they have to hop up like such a little person.
It's fine.
Meet my dad.
Shut up. All right. There's so much fart. I can't. Okay. Fine. Okay.
I'll take a seat. I'm just sitting into a fart right now. The one where you said you wanted to spank my butthole until it. Wait, what's the why don't you take a seat? I'll take a seat.
And yet you said you wanted to draw me a bubble bath and bring a snorkel mask. Oh, my God. Damn it, dude. What did you say? Sitting down. You know, I'm sensitive. I have a sensitive tank.
Thanks for watching. If you enjoyed that, there's way more bloopers and deleted scenes from all of our sketches on our Patreon. We would really appreciate your support. So if you're interested, the link's in the description. Also, we want to thank you guys for another amazing year. Because of you guys, we were able to reach 100,000 subscribers. And like a month later, we're already at 150, which is just crazy. We're so thankful. We were able to collaborate with a lot of really talented YouTubers this year. And we even got to fly to Los Angeles to film like even more cool stuff. So we just wanted to wish you guys a Happy New Year. And let you know just how grateful we are for an audience as supportive as you guys. We got more sketches on the way. So keep an eye out. We got a lot more Grinch content. You guys seem to really like the Grinch stuff.
Like it's lunch. What is lunch?
It's not gonna... A lot of people want burrito bone. Thank you guys. We love you. Bye.
Is that a no to the hat coaster? We're not doing the hat coaster.
I already bought the diapers. No, I can smell. They don't have a great seal. |
dropout | studying_for_dream_exams | Never mind. There are six trig ratios for any right triangle. Sure.
Are you studying? Yeah, I got a crime for tonight. What's tonight? Oh, I'm studying for an exam I'll probably have in a stress dream.
Uh, yeah, I have those every now and then. Yeah. I've been out of college for years, but they are my most frequent dream.
So I decided to be prepared, you know? It's time old Zach learned a thing or two about, uh, trigonometry. Classic, you'll take your seats.
Otter. Dogwood. Otter.
Christian Slater. White. Cindy Crawford. Ah, fuck.
So France used to be called Gaul.
Sure. How's it going? Uh, you know, I got it wrong. It wasn't math, it was history, so I'm brushing up on that. Yeah, I don't think you're going to be able to guess what your dream is about. I can try. It's probably just a subject I did bad in.
Oh, Napoleon was French. All right, students, this is your European history final. I hope you've been studying. This is worth five million percent of your grade.
Okay, can you turn the oven off? God damn it. So these are bones. Zach, you don't look so hot. On the outside? Because on the inside my brain's hot. You mean like a fever?
Probably. I don't know. Fuck. Good. Shit. Got it. Why? God damn it.
Come on! Dry dangle. Circular square. Groove! Zach! Shut up, Katie.
I've studied everything. There is nothing left. I'm at the end of the road. I know everything.
Wow, that's correct. It is a tritangle. Zach, you got 100 percent. My tea. Ah!
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
TheOnion | Food_Poisoned_Ghost_Caught_Groaning_Loudly_In_Bathroom | What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you? I was sitting on the couch one night when all of a sudden I get a notification from Henge. I was super excited because I hadn't been getting many messages. But when I opened the app to see who it was from, what I saw made my jaw drop. It was me, or rather, they looked exactly like me. At first I thought it was a prank by my friends, but the funny thing was these were pictures of me I had never seen before in my entire life, taken with people and at places I didn't recognize. Then they messaged me, you and today. It freaked me out, but I was super horny, so I agreed to meet at the Courtyard Marriott at 9pm.
Anyway, the sex was okay. Two years ago, when I was walking home from work late one night, I saw a small child standing completely still in the middle of the road. This is not true. It is a story I am making up for acceptance on the internet. Are you alright? I called out, my heart pounding in my chest as I approached. I was only a few feet away at this point, but the small figure remained completely still there back to me.
I am lying. That is a lie because I need attention. I could lie to people in real life for attention, but that's too hard. People always see through my lies, and it's super embarrassing.
The child ended up being a goblin. I found a man living in my attic. I locked him in there weeks ago and just totally forgot. Then when I found him he was actually dead, but it was still pretty scary finding him. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_57_sally_mcmanus | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well here we are on Desert Rock FM, Petuta Advocate radio show 96.5, we're not actually in the channel country today, we're on a bit of a tour, made our way down to the cold country, I guess you'd say the jumping football part of the world.
We are in North Melbourne, we just went and got a coffee and a bacon egg roll at the markets down there, very cosmopolitan, very Victorian, trench coats, a lot of Guy Pearce looking people walking around. But in the midst of all this, one thing we've noticed down here, the union's strong on every single city block, obviously got like a 70 floor building going up, so on the ground level there's the blokes with the stickers on the helmets, which you don't actually see, it's not that visible in most other cities around the country, as visible as it is here. Yeah it's true, I noticed that too, Melbourne's a union town and you look at all the cranes, they've all got Eureka flags, which they were going to be fined for, for having those flags, so they just doubled down and put like six of them on the cranes instead of one.
Really? Yeah. They're not flinching now. Sally McManus, you are the secretary of the ACTU. I am.
Which is the boss of all the other unions. Well, I don't like saying boss. They don't like the word boss.
No. But also because you're elected and bosses don't get elected. So you have been in this role for how many years now? Two years and two weeks. And you are? Not that I'm counting.
That's an interesting kind of idea is that there's so many unions and so many different unions represent different things, are you busy trying to meet the needs of the maritime union and then go into a meeting with? The teachers fed. Teachers? When I finished this job, I could write like an anthropology of the trade union movement because they are really different. They've got their own cultures.
For example, when you go to a nurse's conference, they always start on time and they're really regimented. And I think, yeah, like that's the ward nurse there that's actually been elected to be the secretary. And they're very efficient about how they do things.
And then you'll go to other, I shouldn't maybe say this, but maybe like sometimes the public transport unions and they're slow and they don't arrive on time. Another one's like you'll go to say the meat workers' conference and it's really embarrassing for me because I'm a vegetarian, I try and hide it. Like when I go there and then they'll go, oh, stay for dinner, stay for dinner. And you're going, oh, this is your nightmare because you've got to spend the whole time not telling people that you're a vegetarian because they really pile it on with all the meat.
But yeah, definitely different cultures. And some of them are actually really unique, like the Maritime Union. I think because it's quite small and also I think the workers are really close knit and they've been for a long time and their communities, they're just hilarious. They're like larrikins, you just, it's just a joke a minute really with them.
Well, Sally, it's an election year. This time around, what's the biggest threat to the unions? Is it the Liberal Party or is it the hipsters who have come to work in these organisations with their hands which are very soft? It's almost like they've read something written by Karl Marx at university and they think that sounds like a pretty good life but I don't really like using my hands. In unions you mean? In unions, yeah.
Oh, so people like that don't last because it's a really tough job. And the other thing is, is workers will just take the piss out of you and they do. And they won't, they'll see through bullshit really quickly and also pretense. So the hipsters that come and work at the union movement, this is not an anti-hipster rave. It's not. So those who don't sort of learn our ways don't last.
But they do sometimes make their way into the Labour Party. They do have more spivs. I'm from Sydney so maybe it's like more spivs. Yes, they do. And I suppose like any political party, people can be attracted for the wrong reasons because they want to move up the ladder. They've dreamed since they were four that they were going to be Prime Minister one day. They just set themselves on that path and do whatever's necessary and you really can pick those careerists a mile away usually. Yeah, sometimes they're... But they're not hipsters. They'd be like in their sharp suits, you know.
Marketing executives. I am impersonating, like you see they start taking up the intonations of whatever Labour leader they think is popular at the time. I remember, I'm old enough to remember when Paul Keating was the Prime Minister and some of them would start like talking like him. That's cringe. But then again... This construction company is being quite recalcitrant. That said though, I think there were a couple of years ago there were a lot of young liberals using the word sycophant when daddy taught them what that meant.
Now can you tell us a little bit about, for our listeners, because right around the country there's a diverse kind of range of listeners, a lot of people haven't in their life come across a union membership, haven't come across the point of sale or the gateway. What is a trade union movement, like what is their relationship with the Labour Party?
Because if you ask a conspiracist, they'll say that you actually hold strings above Bill Shorten and you tell him what to say. He'd be saying different things if that was true. According to the people on Sky News, I think they think that you're going to be the next Prime Minister of Australia. Well they said the other day, who said it, no actually Scott Morrison said it, that I go along to shadow cabinet meetings and tell them what to do and I've never been to one of the shadow cabinet meetings.
Like you're Peter Credlin or something. Peter Credlin with short hair.
How does the movement work alongside the Labour Party? Just for the layman and lay person. Yeah, so the first thing to know is that the Labour Party was set up by the union movement, so basically what happened is workers at some point worked out that you can have these big battles with employers and win something.
Let's say, I don't know, back then it might have been like the 42 hour week. And you've got to fight it all the time in every single workplace and then you've got to fight that boss individually all the time. They thought, oh this is no good, we'd better work out what to do about this. So we can't, we've got to change the laws because, so that everyone gets it and we protect it forever.
And so that's why they formed the Labour Party because at that time it was really basically the ruling class and the squadocracy that were in parliament and they didn't really care about working people at all. So that's what happened. And so these days half of unions are affiliated to the union, to the Labour Party. So unions like the teachers and the nurses and the public sector aren't affiliated to the Labour Party at all, most of the other unions are. And journalists aren't either, right? But most of the other unions are. And what that means is that they have votes at the Labour Party conferences. So they're part of the democracy of the Labour Party.
So they can say, well actually we don't like privatisation, we're going to put up a policy resolution and vote against it. And so it's interesting because lots of other countries around the world had a similar thing where the union movement set up a party, called it whatever, and then over the years they separated and they said, no you go your separate ways. They didn't maintain that connection we've got in Australia. And what happened is the Democrats who never had it in the US and you look at Canada and you look at New Zealand, they've become more right wing. The Labour Party has become more right wing. Because they've never like pulled back to the reality of working people. And sometimes that gets a bit nasty, like when we go about pulling them back and there's tension and there's arguments, but it's necessary because otherwise all the parties will just be controlled by big business.
It is an interesting kind of world you're in where you actually represent a left wing movement. And a lot of times, a lot of people, when you talk about left wing politics, there's a whole range of different politics that come with that. The stereotype, the archetype of that guy we were talking about with the stickers on his helmet, how do you think that world deals with this new movement of identity politics and intersectionality? Is that a challenge for you in your position to kind of have this hyper masculine element of a union anyway? Well, the irony is that that's what the media shows.
That's what you saw when you're in the middle of the city here where there's lots of construction sites. But if you walked into a hospital, every single union member there would be all the nurses and all of that.
Or even a high school. Your high school.
So the average union member now is a 45 year old woman who's a nurse. And so about, I think it was four years ago, women outnumbered men in the union movement and they're obviously a bit younger.
But also our economy's changed. So back in the 70s, of course, we had a big manufacturing sector, all these big factories. And of course, it was a different world. Men were the main breadwinners. Women didn't really go to work. All of that's changed and so is the union movement. But it's like the media wants to sort of, they love portraying the working class man.
Sleep tattoo.
Yeah, big muscles. If you work on a building site, you're going to have big muscles. If you're not a foreman, it's a very hard job. Especially if you're one of the less skilled workers who's lifting stuff all day.
What is a union that you represent that a lot of people wouldn't know about? Do you have any kind of... Okay, so there's a union for all of the symphony orchestras. And I didn't know about this either. They're actually part of your union, the MEAA. They've kept their own little identity. And so talking about the different cultures of unions is a classic, right?
So I got invited to their meeting and it was down at the Melbourne Symphony, whatever it is, Opera House thing down here in Melbourne. And I'd not been there before because I had to move here for the job. And so I went there and first thing I was so shocked because I had in my head that all these people that play the violin and flute for whatever they play in orchestras would be, for some reason I thought they'd be older, they're all young.
It's because you can't keep doing that at that intensity for a long time. Maybe some of the instruments, but a lot of them apparently really quite exhausting and really diverse. And anyway, I got up and I gave my speech denouncing neoliberalism and the rich having too much power and all of this.
And they started clapping and they clapped like this. Like in perfect harmony for all of them. And I got stopped and I looked and it went on and on and on. I went, ah, I'm meant to do the encore now. No joke. And they're all glowing and smiling. And I thought, of course they are because they're performers and that's what you do. I've just given a performance and they've just sort of given that back to me and I'm now meant to do the encore, which is a bit different to the Sparkys.
So the Electoral Trades Union break out into a chant of union power, union power. I learnt the other day that there is a union for the unemployed. Yeah. A freelancer union for one was a shock to learn about this sheer economy, but to actually have a union for people who aren't in work, how does that work? Yeah, so there's sort of like collectives around the country and it's hard for them in particular because obviously people are in and out of work and so maintaining that becomes difficult and obviously charging union fees is difficult. Like all unions, it's just the pooling of everyone's money in order to be able to advance things. So they've been around for a while. They were around in the Great Depression too obviously and still around. Another interesting union is one here that's just started up called Hospovoice, which is a union for hospitality workers and started here in Melbourne just a year ago, maybe two years ago. And they've been having all these protests outside like celebrity chefs and cafes and all of that who've been engaging in wage theft and it's all young people and they're really impressive I think. They're just sort of saying we're not putting up with this anymore, not being paid what we're legally entitled to and just raising hell, it's great. Pay your workers, George. Now it's an interesting world you're in.
Bill Shorten was previously in your role. No, he was the head of the AWU, which is one of our unions. Yeah, which is one that Malcolm Turnbull was almost in. He could have been leader of that. I think Malcolm Turnbull did. He maybe was one of those four-year-olds who wanted to be Prime Minister and so it was sort of like whatever path necessary. Yeah, so he was going to, at one point I think, when the Labor Party was in power for a long time, joined the Labor Party. Well, you know, he's come from rags to riches. It's a great Australian story, the story of Malcolm Turnbull coming from a one-bedroom flat in Vaucluse. Mind you, he was in business with a famous Labor leader in Neville Rand.
He was. It was Aussie male, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, back in the day.
Now when are you going to pivot into like a dash at the Senate and then ten years later into the lower house and lead the Labor Party? Have people done that? Have they gone from the Senate to the lower house?
Barnaby. Yeah. How could I forget? Barnaby. And if Barnaby can do it, anyone can do it.
The thing is about me is that I've never had that ambition, like never. When I started in the union movement, I wasn't a member of the Labor Party, which was a bit unusual back then. Now it's not, but back then it was and it held out for a long time too. And having been like in my previous roles, it's not been anything that I've focused on. I suppose some people might spend a lot of time trying to sort of be nice to the right people. I certainly haven't done that.
So I've just focused on what I believe in. I think I've got the best job in the world at the moment and that I don't have any plans to go into Parliament. And plus, you know, if you watch Sky News, you'd know that you actually are in control. I know. So you're more powerful than Shorten could be. Yeah, and I don't even have to stand. It's amazing.
Now we've got to ask about growing up in Sydney. Carlingford? Yeah. The interesting thing, we talk about it with a few guests, and one guest we had on recently was Dan Salton, who grew up not far from here in Fitzroy and is now down in the beautiful Sylvania waters, I believe.
And just him noticing the difference was one thing that he brought up, is the concept of working class Sydney, particularly working class inner city Sydney, almost feels obsolete nowadays. You'd have to drive from the airport, you'd have to drive 20 kilometres to see an area. See Us West is like totally aware of that because it's like people think Sydney's around the airport and the CBD, but actually most people live west of Parramatta and west. That is Sydney, not the rest of it. And so I guess fair enough if you're not from that area, you're not going to be travelling out there really. But that's the real heart, and that is working class Australia, working class Sydney.
It's the second most multicultural place in the world. I reckon it's interesting, I've seen it change a lot over the time I grew up. When I grew up in Carlingford, it was a very white place, and then what happened was that Asian immigration started, so there was Tiananmen Square, and there was a lot of Chinese students that then enrolled in our school, and it wasn't as if it was all white in our school, but it was pretty white. And I remember the early racism that really kicked off, and that was pre-Pauline Hanson. There was this group called National Action, which I guess is the 1980s version of Fraser Anning, and he would go spray paint Asians out on people's houses. And so when you go back to Carlingford these days, basically it's multicultural melting pot, and I just think, well, that's lovely. Yeah, and it changes quite a lot, because if you ask the everyday One Nation type, they'd tell you that Lakemba is Lebanese, but actually that's changed three waves since the stereotype. It's now Bangladesh, Bangladeshi. Yeah, well, out there, that's where they brew Toohey's New at, out in the heart of that area, out at Lakemba.
It is interesting, though, because I know that the stereotype of Sydney, Kings Cross and the beach doesn't represent the real Sydney, but the house prices don't change. It's hard to live Mount Druitt, the average house is now a million dollars as well. What shocks me is when I moved for this job, three years ago, and I had a little two bedroom unit in Dulwich Hill, at that stage. And you can buy like a unit in the middle of the city here, in a high rise for like the same amount. And people in Melbourne going, oh, the housing prices are so bad.
And I thought, you've got no idea whatsoever. You wouldn't buy a dog box in Sydney for like that price. It's just completely locked a whole generation out.
Is that something you have to consider? Like how livability, cost of living for members? Absolutely.
It's actually at the moment, the biggest issue, because when your wages don't go up and the cost of living is going up, obviously it means you're going backwards. And so people just have to work out what they've got to cut back on. And at the moment, that's the biggest issue.
As you mentioned before, the stereotype is a big tatted up kind of CFMEU guy with the hard hat on backwards. Who's angry. The actual average member would be a 45 year old female nurse. Yeah. Do you feel like you represent the change in the face of the movement as well?
Well, so I'm a new generation, a younger generation to previous leaders. I'm 47, so I'm not the average age and I'm not a nurse. I'm not that skilled.
But definitely there's a change from that generation to ours. And in a way, we've sort of bridged the time. Like our parents were still in the generation of 50% union membership where that's what Australia was. And basically my working life, I've just seen that completely collapse to 15%. And so for us union leaders my age, we just think, well, no way, like we're not going to put up with that. And it's not sort of for us the new normal because we know when it was different. You know, younger people, it's a bit like insecure work and things like that. I just think that that's the way it always has been and the way it is and has just become normal. And so I think my generation sort of has a benefit of seeing both where it wasn't normal and enables sort of like, you know, say actually, you know, Australia didn't used to be like this in our working lives. Like it was better. There was better rights, better job security. Like nothing was ever easy, but I can see the loss of things over that period of time. There's things about Sally McManus in this role that is different to other people in the union movement that we've seen on the TV over the years.
One that you have a good understanding of, like social media, you know, you can kind of work in that world as well, like a bit, like you said, a bit younger. Gaming, you're into like your hobbies. Your hobbies would like, that appeals to a whole different generation, some well younger than working age as well, you know, the gaming world.
Well, I guess I grew up with it and when I first started using computers, it was like they'd only just come around and it was like DOS games. So only a few people will know what that is, but then seeing it change and sort of like the early Doom in the beginning, like just how, you know, those first person shooters and I sort of look at them now and I think actually they haven't really changed that much. Like the graphics changed, but they're not that creative. So I think that, you know, getting into the gaming world, is that a lot of it sort of plateaued in lots of ways. So sort of you had different concepts for games and they haven't managed to sort of, I think, break through in terms of new ideas for them.
So what are some games that you're playing now? Well, at the moment, and it's hard because I'm hardly at home, but I was last night and I was quite tired because this week was a big week. We had the budget and, you know, it was a budget reply and so I watched the budget reply and then I watched some of the commentary. Then Sky News started and I thought, oh, now it's time to play Red Dead Redemption 2. So that's what I'm playing at the moment.
So it's sort of like, you know, you can catch an arrow here or there. If you're lucky enough to be home on the weekend, you might sort of binge on it for three. Yeah, I've gone from the start to the end of that. Oh yeah? Is it good? It's quite an adventure. It's great fun pretending to be cowboys. Yeah, I'm really, I think refining my hunting skills. I tend to like the games that are a bit like that. So Metal Gear Solid, I really love. Oh yeah.
Yeah, I haven't played that one. No? Yeah.
And on PC, it's definitely Civilization. I've played that for 25 years. Is that in the Age of Empires realm? Yeah, that's kind of like Age of Empires, isn't it?
Yeah, a bit more sophisticated. So you start off as, you know, whoever. Just pick the, you know, Aztecs. And, you know, back in 2000 BC, and there's a whole development of your civilization. So, you know, you invent the wheel and you invent this. But then, of course, you're building your little towns and your cities. And as you get more technology, you can expand. And then you find other people. Then it's time to decide if you're going to defeat them through your culture or through your diplomacy or through your military might.
Yeah, I learnt a lot of ancient history, actually, by playing those games. I reckon lots of people did. Yeah. I reckon I learnt a lot of strategy through playing those games.
I learnt that the Aztecs don't have horses. That's one thing that I do remember from Age of Empires. If you did choose the Aztecs and you had to basically deal with the fact that you were going up against, you know, the English or the Spanish.
But you had beautiful cities. And they had horses. Yeah, beautiful cities.
I was more into the USSR fan fiction that was Red Alert 2. Oh, yeah. You know, what if the Russians did make it to New York City? Yeah.
That was always great fun. Now, that's among your hobbies in gaming. You play sport.
Do you feel like that this is kind of a change of the guard? People's personal lives don't really play that much of a part. They shouldn't, actually, in people's roles. But, actually, when you are a public figure, it is interesting to know, you know, what the people that kind of represent you are into.
And it is refreshing at times. Yeah, it's sort of weird for me because I hate all those questions. I think, why is that relevant? You know, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I've got a bit more used to it, I guess.
So, I'm also interested in bird watching. So, I know you've got some lovely birds in the Channel Country. Oh, yeah. We do. Live bird.
Especially now because we've had all that rain and it's hot. And it's on its way down to Lake Eyre as we speak. So, thanks to all those big storms they've had up there in the top country, I think the lake should be full in a couple of months' time. Yeah, which is amazing how the birds know that and they come from all over the country there.
Well, have you been out to the Channel Country? Because I know that the ALP, it has its roots in a very nice town out there in the far west of Queensland called Barkhalden, down there on the banks of the Barkoo River. Yeah, 1891. Have you been out to Barkie?
No, they keep inviting me and I absolutely are going to go. And I feel like I've been to, like in such a short time, I've spent all my time on planes. I've been to so much of the country, but I've not been there yet.
So, it's one of the ones along with the Torres Strait that I definitely want to go to. It is a beautiful part of the world. It is down there on the Tropica Capricorn.
Yeah. Just there.
You can go to Longreach and you can have a drink on one side and then you can walk across the street and have one on the other side. Danny Sheen's the flight centre travel agent out there too. He can hook up with the flights.
I've been to Mount Isa as far as I've got in terms of inland Queensland, but I also do love the tropics. My favourite place to go looking at animals is in the Iron Range National Park, which is right at the top of the Cape.
Yeah, yeah. Well, you know Jonathan Thurston's airline is doing all the trips up that way now. Is that right? It's got a big picture of him on the back. Yeah, yeah. No, seriously, when you're right in Townsville, you just think, oh, this man owns this place because it's like pictures of Jonathan Thurston everywhere. You get a statue of him on Castle Rock. Yeah. There's a little bit of that when you go out to Mount Isa as well.
I mean, you know, like they just love Bob Catter out there. They do.
I actually get on with Bob Catter. It's interesting, you know. Yeah, really interesting. I think that most people can. It's just that, you know, when you aren't in his company and you hear about a thing that he said, you're just like. Yeah, why'd you say that, Bob? Like, honestly. That's not the Bob that I saw last week. Yeah. Because he changes every conversation. I'm an agrarian socialist. Yeah. Well, yeah, I've had that speech.
He also worked at the mine in Mount Isa, and so he was involved in the union there, and he sort of has been shocked at casualisation and labour hire and what's happened, and so I think that that. It's funny to see a whole lot of those. I know he's not National Party, but like ex-National Party, National Party people. Like there's part of old Australia, which was part of like fair go, which was part of like workers having a fair go that actually they've got a lot of sympathy for. Yeah, it's an interesting one in the bush. You still hear people, even though in many places it's just always a landslide to the National Party when it comes to the ballot, there's still people that romanticise, you know, the labour days, the shearing teams and that kind of stuff.
Is that, I mean wool's back. Wool is back.
Is that something the Labour Party's gonna be jumping back? Does that just pick up where it used to be? Like how is the Labour Party gonna re, how is the union movement gonna reinvent itself in the bush?
I think that what's happening in the bush is, it's interesting looking at the New South Wales election, there was this big sort of revolt against the National Party, and when I was the leader of my union in New South Wales, I spent a lot of time travelling too to country New South Wales, and so it really struck me about how, there was second class citizens really for workers in a lot of those towns. The way people got treated in, I represented people that worked in disability services in Tamworth or in Narrabri, just wouldn't be put, it wouldn't happen in Sydney, and it was almost like they'd sort of normalise this sort of level of just being treated like shit in some of these places, and I was obviously seeing workers stand up to it, that would happen, but often it was because the National Party also ran the disability service, and ran this and they ran that, I can't put it all down to them, but just a real need I think for unions in a lot of regional areas. What would be the biggest union town, I mean apart from Melbourne, Broken Hill still? I know, so Melbourne's not like, okay so this is like my bias, and I can't sort of like, no this is not bias, this is actually facts, so in terms of union density, Port Kembla. Yeah right. So Wollongong, the Illawarra, has the highest union density in the country, and then like you say, Newy is up there as well, and then you do have parts of Melbourne, but actually also Canberra. You think about the amount of public sector workers there that have a high union density, so there's that, you go to somewhere like Whyalla, you know all those places that are sort of, there's also mining towns, where there's like four generations, five generations of union members, and so people can go back and say, yeah my grandfather worked here. Yeah, in Broken Hill it's actually become part of the local parlance, they use union words, and I remember going out there, you're from away, if you're not from there, you're from away, and the A grade, B grade, C grade, the way they rank your localness, so it's A grades you've just arrived into town, B grades you've had kids in town. So that was the only place in the country that had like the union, was the Broken Hill union, and so it didn't matter what job you did, you're a member of that one union, doesn't exist like that anymore, but for a long time it did, because of course it was like just a one company town, but even if you worked in a local shop, so if you worked at the local hospital, it was the same union you were a part of.
Well they could never get all those wild kind of prohibition laws in there, because of that movement, where the whole town was part of this union, so when they came out they said, well the government's sending people out, they want to close the pubs at six o'clock. Good luck. And then everyone's communicating with each other, and the Republicans said, well we've got shift workers here, and the whole town bent it up, so when these guys did arrive in town, they couldn't get a sandwich, and they couldn't find a room to stay in, so they had to leave, so it was always the Republic kind of vibe, they never actually implemented the six o'clock swill, or banned two up in Broken Hill. Well see that's the thing, they say, oh wouldn't it be terrible if unions run the country, but that's what happens when unions run something.
More fun. Two up every Saturday night. Although the pubs don't close. Yeah, the one with three coins. And we have weekends. And weekends, exactly.
And childhoods, you know. Yeah, childhoods. That's another thing.
Now what is the biggest threat, do you reckon, in the near future? Is automation a big thing for the movement? Well automation's always happened, so sometimes I think there's all these people that really are sort of futurists that want to go on these speaking tours and scare the shit out of people by saying, all your jobs are going to disappear, there will be no jobs, the robots are going to take over.
But it's actually not true, because the amount of people now in the labour force is higher than ever. So you think about all the women that have come in on top of all the men who still work. So it's at the highest it is.
And just think of it this way, you know, when they're put in email, they said, oh soon we're going to have the paperless office. Oh, as if.
What's actually happened is like a whole lot of jobs have been created around the fact that we now, we've got email, we've got networks, all of that, they break down all the time, there needs to be upgrades all the time, there's like endless stuff that happens around that. And so you think about all the changes that have happened, and like a whole lot of our unions don't exist anymore, like the filth hat workers union or like the saddle makers union, or you know, there's more bizarre ones, we can't think of them all because you don't even know what those jobs were back then. But these things happen all the time, like when cars came in and replaced horse and buggy and computers came in, but work's still there. So I think that, you know, sure there's going to be changes, but you know, these ideas that work's going to disappear, I think human creativity just keeps creating more needs. It's like those new trains down there in Sydney, they don't have any drivers, those new ones.
I've heard that they might start doing that with aeroplanes, but I'll tell you what, I have a computer and it crashes from time to time, and I have to restart it, and I tell you what, you'd have to drag me kicking and screaming onto an aeroplane that doesn't have a pilot. No, I'm with you. Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, and I guess there's a lot of alarmist kind of, I feel like this is what you're saying when you have those kind of Elon Musk kind of evangelicals that tour the country with an open collar and sandshoes on on stage who just talk about, you know, upskill now, upskill now, you know, talking about finding different roles. You think that's a bit- A pigeon can do your job. Yeah, do you think that's a bit of a storm in a teacup at the moment? I think it suits them.
I think they do it because they want people to be so worried about their jobs. They want people to also, for him, it's part of his brand, really, too, and that change happens, but it doesn't happen like that quickly, and it's like some people saying, oh, these other jobs are going to disappear. You look at the bank industry with ATMs coming in, all of those teller's jobs left, but there's actually more people in the finance sector industry than there ever has been because they've just created more jobs to sell you more stuff you don't want.
Sell the stuff to dead people. Yeah, sell stuff to dead people and to money launder for terrorists.
It's true. It's not me. It's the Royal Commission that said that. I'll ask you one last question.
What do you think was the worst part about the budget? It's funny because I look back at the various budgets under this coalition government, so I remember Joe Hockey and I remember Tony Abbott, and that was just- I remember them.
That was cutting them into the- Wrecking and cutting. Wrecking and cutting.
That was one of the loosest budgets we've seen in some time. Like, we're in charge now, just destroy it all. Yeah. To remove mental health counsellors from public schools and replace them with much cheaper Christian spiritual guidance officers was not very 2014, I didn't think. But at least you knew what they were doing. They weren't trying to- I know before they got elected, they said there'll be no cuts and all of that, right? But then when they went on the frenzy, the wrecking frenzy, you went, yeah, they're on a wrecking frenzy. And then with Malcolm Turnbull, it was all about tax cuts to big business. And so you knew what that was about. It was about just handing more of our stuff and all of our money to really rich people. And then you watch Josh Vodenberg and it was like a little bit of this and a little bit of that, so it's sort of like a lower version of both things that they've taken, but I don't know what their budget, like what you could say it was, like whether you liked it or whether you didn't. It was just sort of an election budget, really, wasn't it?
Yeah. You feel like it's, what can we get past? Yeah.
The worst thing is, of course, about the tax system, we've already got a massive problem with the fact that people aren't paying their fair share. And when I say people, I don't mean you guys or me.
I mean like the 69 people who earned in one year a million dollars. So imagine how rich you are. If in one year, you bring in a million dollars, paid no tax, like nothing, not even the Medicare levy.
Understand how that's possible. Well, I'll tell you how.
Their number one tax deduction was managing their tax affairs. So what they do is they get the big legal and accounting firms. They give them a lot of money in order to reduce their tax bill to zero, and then it's all tax deductible, right?
Right. And there's no cap on that. So in a way, those accounting firms are in on the raw too. Like they're making heaps out of it. So you've just got to cap the amount that you can deduct for that. Like if you capped it at $3,000, then all of a sudden there'd be a lot of money back to us rather than to those big accounting firms. Yeah. So that means if you're earning a million dollars a year, you're earning $3,300 a day. If you give half of that to an accounting firm, they will basically turn around and say that was a tax deduction and hand it back to you. That's right. Jesus.
It's outrageous, isn't it? It's so outrageous.
It's like more money you have, the better ability you've got to just make more and get out of paying tax. And so I was getting back to the budget. They're running these ads at the moment, the Morrison government going, we're cracking down on multinational tax avoidance, but they're not. Like you've got to actually change the laws to stop them.
Like the other big rort that the big multinationals do, check this one, right? So you're a big multinational and you've got offices, let's say in Singapore and one in Sydney or Melbourne or in your town.
And then what they do is they lend money to the Australian company at a ridiculous interest rate. Like they'll say, it's all you're paying a 30% interest rate on this. And so that then becomes a loss, but you're not really making a loss. It's just transfers between a company. And so all because of that, you pay no tax. And so they're just like rorts. And you almost think like we'd almost benefit if they just, the amount of money they pay to these accountants, would be better off in that regard.
If they gave it to charity, I mean, you know, like that's kind of from the Kerry Packer School where, you know, if you don't agree that the government is using the money wisely, then you could give it to the Red Cross. Yeah, but I don't want the billionaires and the millionaires deciding, you know, this is where these are the deserving poor people I'm going to give it to. I'm not going to give it to people who might have a drug addiction because I don't believe in that. I'm not going to give it to single parents if they were giving that money instead of to the accounting firms to tax, well then that at least would be going to our pensions to Medicare for hospitals, for schools, and then to programs that like are rigorously decided actually this works rather than like some vanity project of the billionaire. This is for the Homeless Christian Men's charity.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Young straight Christian men that have had a hard time charity.
Well, thank you for joining us Sally McManus. We look forward to seeing you make that tilt for the upper or lower house and eventually maybe one day take full control of the Labour Party. Why would you want it when you're already the puppet master? Yeah, that's it. Well, thank you and we'll see if you can get Bill over the line in the next couple of months. Alright, see you guys.
Much cheaper Christian spiritual guidance officers was not very 2014 I didn't think. But at least you knew what they were doing. Like, you know, they weren't trying to I know before they got elected they said there'll be no cuts and all of that, right? But then when they went on the frenzy, the wrecking frenzy, you went, yeah, they're on a wrecking frenzy. And then with Malcolm Turnbull it was all about tax cuts to big business. And so you knew what that was about. It was about just handing more of our stuff and all of our money to really rich people. And then you watch Josh Vodenberg and it was like a little bit of this and a little bit of that. So it's sort of like a lower version of both things that they've taken. But I don't know what their budget, like what you could say it was. Like whether you liked it or whether you didn't. It was just sort of an election budget really, wasn't it? Yeah, you feel like it's what can we get past?
Yeah, the worst thing is of course about the tax system. We've already got a massive problem with the fact that people aren't paying their fair share. And when I say people aren't paying you guys or me, I mean like the 69 people who aren't in one year a million dollars. So imagine how rich you are. If in one year you bring in a million dollars, pay no tax.
Not nothing. Not even the Medicare levy.
I don't understand how that's possible. Well, I'll tell you how.
Their number one tax deduction was managing their tax affairs. So what they do is they get the big legal and accounting firms. They give them a lot of money in order to reduce their tax bill to zero, and then it's all tax deductible. And there's no cap on that. So in a way those accounting firms are in on the road too. They're making heaps out of it. So you've just got to cap the amount that you can deduct for that. Like if you capped it at $3,000, then all of a sudden there'd be a lot of money back to us rather than to those big accounting firms. So that means if you're earning a million dollars a year, you're earning $3,300 a day. If you give half of that to an accounting firm, they will basically turn around and say that was a tax deduction and hand it back to you.
That's right. It's outrageous, isn't it? It's so outrageous.
It's like the more money you have, the better ability you've got to just make more and get out of tax. And so I was getting back to the budget. They're running these ads at the moment, the Morrison government going, we're cracking down on multinational tax avoidance.
But they're not. You've got to actually change the laws to stop them.
Like the other big rule that the big multinationals do, check this one, right? So you're a big multinational and you've got offices, let's say, in Singapore and one in Sydney or Melbourne or in your town.
And then what they do is they lend money to the Australian company at a ridiculous interest rate. They'll say it's, you're paying a 30% interest rate on this. And so that then becomes a loss, but you're not really making a loss. It's just transfers between a company. And so all because of that, you pay no tax. And so they're just like rorts. And you almost think like we almost benefit if they just, the amount of money they pay to these accountants, they just gave to the government.
We'd be better off in that regard. If they gave it to charity, I mean, you know, like that's kind of from the Kerry Packer school where, you know, if you don't agree that the government is using the money wisely, then you could give it to the Red Cross. Yeah, but I don't want the billionaires and the millionaires deciding, you know, this is where these are the deserving poor people I'm going to give it to. I'm not going to give it to people who might have a drug addiction because I don't believe in that. I'm not going to give it to single parents who don't believe in that. If they were giving that money instead of to the accounting firms to tax, well, then that at least would be going to our pensions to Medicare for hospitals, for schools, and then to programs that like a rigorously decided actually this works rather than like some vanity project of the billionaire.
Yeah. This is for the homeless Christian men's charity. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Young straight Christian men that have had a hard time charity. Yeah.
Well, thank you for joining us Sally McManus. We look forward to seeing you and make that tilt for the upper or lower house and eventually maybe one day take full control of the Labour Party. Why would you want to when you're already the puppet master?
Yeah, that's it. Well, thank you and we'll see if you can get Bill over the line in the next couple of months. Alright, see you guys. Bye. |
wearethesundayblues | nicki_minaj_had_our_anaconda_fart_remix_removed | Hello internet, I'm Nick. I'm Gareth.
We're Derek what's in the Sunday blues a week ago We edited and uploaded a video called Nicki Minaj anaconda fart remix Since then Nicki Minaj and her label Universal have been trying to get it removed off the internet and they succeeded. I Think they think they're a bit upset about the fact that that our video Actually has a concept or and better lyrics That's kind of like David and Goliath you're right it's a bit of a David and Goliath situation here it's as if as if Nicki Minaj and her label are like a Massive bum just huge could probably swallow like a small child Oh, definitely, and we are like this tiny little non-existent Taylor Swift bum Nicki Minaj Maybe if you don't want people to make fun of your videos You shouldn't flip your bum around on the internet for three and a half minutes straight The video still exists on the internet Mainly from the internet leeches who downloaded it off our channel and then re-uploaded it to theirs Do you think they're gonna get those ones removed?
Oh, I'm sure they will I mean, I'm sure they're very thorough and have good good reason, you know Hmm, not just ours because it got six million. No, no, surely not.
This is my dog I was planning to feed him this month and Then you took our video down Look at him. He's hungry. This is on you Nicki You why what you got against feeding dogs?
Why do you hate animals? universal more like universal dicks Can we say dicks on the internet? I think so There's a little dicks on the internet. There are a lot of dicks on the internet. Enjoy enjoy the dick convention this week This is my child.
I was planning to pay for his education with some money from those sweet sweet views Now you've taken that away from me. Yeah you over there you must point that you Nicki Minaj are responsible for that an uneducated child what you got against educated children You threatened now. I've got to teach him English maths using Google Jordan one plus one equals Google it The capital of Egypt is Google it Just wants the cupcake Can't buy real cupcakes.
A lot of people have said that bought life in a fight. You've got to be a child It's the most childish thing in the world I'll have you know that the last thing you do before you die as an old person is let out a whole lot of farts They're upset about the fact that that our video Actually has a concept or and better lyrics That's kind of like David and Goliath. You're right. It's a bit of a David and Goliath situation here it's as if it's as if Nicki Minaj and her label are like a Massive bum just huge could probably swallow like a small child Oh, definitely, and we are like this tiny little non-existent Taylor Swift, um Nicki Minaj Maybe if you don't want people to make fun of your videos You shouldn't flip your bum around on the internet for three and a half minutes straight The video still exists on the internet Mainly from the internet leeches who downloaded it off our channel and then re-uploaded it to theirs Do you think they're gonna get those ones removed?
Oh, I'm sure they will I mean, I'm sure they're very thorough and have good good reason, you know Not just ours because it got six million.
No, no, surely not.
This is my dog. I was planning to feed him this month And then you took our video down Look at him. He's hungry. This is on you Nicki You why what you got against feeding dogs?
Why do you hate animals? universal more like universal dicks Can we say dicks on the internet? I think so, but there's a lot of dicks on the internet There are a lot of dicks on the internet. Enjoy enjoy the dick convention this week This is my child.
I was planning to pay for his education with some money from those sweet sweet views Now you've taken that away from me. Yeah, you You Nicki Minaj are responsible for that an uneducated child, but you got against educated children you threatened Now I've got to teach him English That's using Google Jordan one plus one equals Google it the capital of Egypt is Google it's Just wants the cupcake Can't buy real cupcakes.
A lot of people have said that or to laugh at a fight. You've got to be a child It's the most childish thing in the world I'll have you know that the last thing you do before you die as an old person is let out a whole lot of farts |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Horrors_Of_The_Big_City | We're going to be talking about the horrors of the big city. These are movies about the peril that awaits people who venture into the terrifying metropolis. I'm going to be talking about After Hours, which is Martin Scorsese's classic 1985 dark comedy about an office drone played by Griffin Dunn.
Hi, this is Paul Hackett. We met earlier tonight. Maybe you should come on over. Sure, sure. Now? Yeah, why not?
Who goes to Manhattan and ends up immersed in this sort of urban hell. That was, I had $20, and now... So, Dunn ventures deep into the night to get closer to Rosanna Arquette, who is this very sad, quirky sort of woman. I feel like something incredible is really going to happen here. This kind of sets about a chain of events. Hey! Where'd you get that? In which he ends up being framed for a series of burglaries committed by Cheech and Chong. On one hand, it is the city as this abject horror. What do you want from me?
But at the same time, it's very appealing, and it's very attractive, and it has this very great sort of look. One of the things I love about After Hours is the fact that it has a perfect screenplay, and is brilliantly written and cast, is that the menace is wholly bohemian in nature, and it's not horribly racist. And I feel like that's kind of the implicit message of a lot of these movies. I'll probably get blamed for that. So, Sean, I understand your film is the timeliest movie of 1993. That's right. Much the way After Hours captures a 1980s New York, it doesn't really exist anymore.
Falling Down is a Riots-era LA story said when everybody was trying to follow the newly-prescribed maxim of can't we all get along. However, Douglas' character, who's this tightly wound defense worker, he doesn't really buy into that. He explodes into what can only be called scattershot white man's rage. Oh, please. And honestly, it's no wonder, because he lives in an Epcot Center version of LA, where every corner has a stage vignette and a broadly drawn stereotype.
And do-nothing symbols of bureaucracy. Indeed, if only everybody could see what the big city was like, who wouldn't blow it up with a rocket launcher? You know, if you're left-wing or right-wing, you can say, this movie makes sense to me. I feel like it's sort of just so muddled in what it's trying to say that you can take away what you want from it.
So Keith, I understand your movie is sort of halfway in between the madcap adventures of After Hours and the racial panic of Falling Down. Yeah, it pretty much is exactly halfway between there. Adventures in Babysitting, when it came out, it was kind of referred to as After Hours. For teens, it is the directorial debut of Chris Columbus, and it stars Elizabeth Shue as a Chicago teen. Who takes a small pack of children into the city, where they encounter a hotbed of sort of menacing black people, often operating under the direction of stereotypical Italian gangsters. Because that's what happens when you come to Chicago, particularly in this movie, the parts of Chicago that look an awful lot like Toronto. The film's most famous scene features Shue and her charges in a nightclub where a stone-faced, very menacing audience forces them to sing the blues before they can leave. That embarrassing moment of cultural exchange confirms the subtext of the film, which is if you're white and middle class, stay out of the big city. Watching this movie again, I liked when I was a kid, and I'm not sure that Birth of a Nation is any more scared of black people than the movie Adventures in Babysitting. It's fairly appalling. Well, for me, this is kind of like a companion film to Ferris Bueller's Day Off, where I feel like that was kind of Chicago as a suburban kid's toy. And this was kind of the opposite of that.
No Chicago during the day, this is Chicago at night. So once the sun goes down, you get the hell out of Chicago. Yeah, Sean, you better go back to Austin before night falls.
Or you will be forced to sing the blues. You don't mind, we just like to let ourselves off the stage. Nobody gets out of this place without singing the blues.
For more horrors of the big city, check out AVClub.com. |
dropout | locker_rooms | Hello, welcome one and all to Tales from the Closet. Welcome viewers, welcome listeners. If you're listening to this as a podcast, know that there's also a video component, and you too can know that there are some real lingerie vibes going on with these curtains.
They get real lacy and red at the top. One time I did hook up with someone who was wearing all-red lingerie, and I left because that's a nightmare. No. It was too matchy. Too much. It felt very Stepford-y.
You're crazy. Crazy.
What? You like that? That's gross. I don't like it.
I'm not going to leave. You love that. I'm not going to leave. I didn't leave in the moment.
I didn't like that it was matching. I had an excuse. That it was better. Matching was what bothered you. It was matching red lace, and it was so shocking to me.
I laughed. Well, laughing is fine. Laughing?
I thought you said you left. I just went, whoa. And then you were like, no, I didn't. We thought you left.
Oh. This is getting way out of here. I am likable as a host and a friend, so. I got to go change my lingerie right now. No. Please keep it on. We do all have to strip halfway through this show. Down.
It was a one-night stand. I didn't owe her anything. She didn't owe me anything, okay? It just didn't work out, all right? So, Lythia, I am sorry.
Okay. Welcome to the show. Let's meet our guests today, three people that I really like. I'm happy to have them. Let's start down there.
Who the fuck are you? Well, I'm Grant O'Brien. I identify as bisexual. Is that something we're doing? No, no, great. I just decided to do that. Yes, I did bring you all here. This is a very sexual orientation focused podcast. I mean, it is, though. I identify as cis male bisexual. I am, Christ, guys, you know who I am. If anybody's fucking listening to this, what am I supposed to say?
Like yeah, you've seen a thousand times.
Give us a new fact. A new fact.
I can't eat 100 grams of protein a day because I'm in a bulking phase right now. What does that look like? Is that a steak? Is that multiple steaks? Yeah, I mean, you're eating, I'll do a couple of meat-centric meals, probably a protein shake and then maybe some Greek yogurt for breakfast and some peanut butter. Are you seeing results? Are you seeing the bulk?
I'm putting on some size, yeah. You gotta go heavy with that. You don't wanna only be doing that and expect results. You've really gotta put in the work.
This fascinates me. I have friends who will just eat multiple boxes of mac and cheese when they're bulking. They eat the worst fucking food.
Is that the same thing? I think that's the same thing. I mean, well.
They look gorgeous. They're like ripped bartenders and they're eating mac and cheese every night.
Yeah, I can't do that. I'll get skinny guy gut if I'm not careful. I'll get the fucking, oh, he drinks beer. Oh no, full troll doll. Yeah, it's not gonna work. No, I've gotta work out and watch what I eat.
All right, great. John, please introduce yourself and what kind of diet are you on? See, in the gay community, body issues are really a thing. You got true, honestly. I'm not on a diet. My name is Teresa Lee. What's up? I'm also bi. Hey-o.
I'm making a lot of smoothies. I bought a blender. I'm trying to just, I don't know, use it, I guess.
Great. Very exciting. I'm really glad you picked this. Yeah. Let's get really self-conscious about the way we look and then talk for an hour. This turns into a fitness podcast. Next up. Hey, I'm Ryan Barton. Yeah, thank you. I wish more people did that after I said that.
I am fully lean gay. I am, on the Kinsey scale, I am definitely a six.
What? Or a one? What am I?
Wait, a six? Is it six? Oh, it's out of six.
Oh, it's out of 10? Okay. Oh, I thought it was out of 10. I don't know. And that was shocking. I thought it was out of 100. I don't know. Well, let me educate you.
I'm very gay. I'm married to a woman, and I love her.
I'm a six. Okay, you are a six.
Yeah, I... Great. You know, guys are great. They're the worst, but they're great. Sure.
In terms of food, I just started working at this new bakery. And at the end of the day, they make their own bread and their pastries, and they're like, take everything.
No. Because they don't want to waste it right now.
Oh, my God. That's amazing. It was awful.
I have no room in my fridge, and I'm going to take more stuff home. That's the best. I used to live above a bakery, and I would go-go dance. I'd get home really late, and then they would give me free bread on my way home, and it was the best.
No way. That is... Oh, my God. You just described my dream. Just describe like a... Being a go-go dancer and not getting free bread afterwards, that's literally all I want to do. That's like a 90s movie. Like a club cat. Yeah. Like, indie darling. Yeah. To me, it's like an edgy Miyazaki film. Oh, my God. Which is like... Yes. There's like some magic cat, like go-go dances, and like find free bread on a... I would love that.
Bike. All right. Great.
Who are you? I am Allie Beardsley, the host of this show. I am trans, which makes me gay, question mark? I don't know. It's complicated. I'm gender in the middle, and I'm into mostly women. So help. Someone tell me how to identify myself.
What are you eating these days? These days, I did just house maybe two people's worth of Mediterranean food before this.
They gave us lunch. It was gorgeous.
But I do work out. I do. I do a little treadmill.
I do a little lifting in my room, as though I'm going to ever be able to do a pushup I'm so afraid to run outside, because I don't know what I look like when I run. When I drive and I see people run, I don't really judge them, but I'm just like, okay, yeah, that's how that person... But I don't know what mine's going to look like. You never know if you're like a wild runner. I think I'm a wild runner. I'm a flailer.
That's why I swim, is because mostly I can't be seen. Wow. I just don't work out. Look, and you got to be careful, though, when you're trying to put on size, because if you do too much cardio, you're really going to sacrifice your gains for that. Swimming, though, does have some resistance involved. Interesting.
Now, we are going to move into our first bit in the show. Our first bit in the show is all about macros, so we're... No, this is a show.
It is called Tales from the Closet, because we have all made it out of the closet in our own individual ways. Some people were born deep, deep in the closet. Some people were born right outside. I'm so happy that you grew up in Brooklyn. Everyone's journey is individual.
You guys, I would like to hear some of your tales from the closet, maybe a moment where you were like, oh, I might be gay, that moment that it occurred to you, or maybe even earlier than that, I watched The Lion King, and when Nala pinned Simba, I was like, I'm gay. I don't know what that meant, because they were hetero. Also, cartoons and animals, so this is just like my hair. Nala could get it, and I am sorry. There were some hot cartoon cats when we were growing up. True. I don't know if you guys will remember this, but this is such a formative memory for me.
There's a squirrel. It is! Oh, my God, it's the sword of the stone! It's the sword of the stone! There's a squirrel.
Are you?
Wow. He turns into a squirrel, and she falls in time. I cried every time. Oh, my God. Yes, wait, we're talking about the hot squirrel or the hot girl. The gorgeous, sweet squirrel that falls in love with him, and she wraps him in her tail, which was like, hi, you're all going to be into bondage now.
Yeah, that's a great scene. It's also a great film.
I don't remember the squirrel. I know. So, usually, no one remembers. Yes, exactly. And then she gets really sad, and I cry, and he turns back into a human, and she's beating him, because she's like, you forgot about me. You are right, though.
As far as squirrels go, it's the hottest squirrel I've seen.
Yeah. Lola Bunny was one of my friends. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Also, recently realized, why do most cartoon characters that are girls wear clothes, and then the men don't? Bugs Bunny doesn't wear clothes, but Lola wears like, hot clothes.
Oh, yeah, weird. So, in the rules of the universe, is Bugs naked and just showing his dong, or like... That, yes. You know what I think it is? What's going on?
It's not fully its own topic, but there are like, illegal parts of like, a woman's body. It's like, that's not okay. I remember when I was like, young, I would always walk around shirtless, and then we went to a water park, and I have this memory of my mom like, freaking out that I was just going in like, trunks, and she was like, you, like, you can't be topless. This is a public place, and that's when I learned like, part of your body is like, not okay. She's like, oh my god, that's crazy. And I didn't have like, D boob, like, I was like, a kid with like, huge boobs, I had like, nothing there. But she was like, you gotta put this tankini on.
Yeah, it's the way we police women's bodies is, does terrible harm to society. Toxic masculinity affects men and women, and it is insidious.
And Bunnies now, fucking... Lola had to put on a crop top.
Truly, if more, if we felt less shame, more women would just show their tits all the time. And also, some of it's because nobody wants to like, you know, be wrong if the law says no. But like, I think people feel comfortable shirtless, and I think it would be a win-win for everyone if men stopped freaking out about boobs, you could see more boobs. Yeah, exactly. If you're not so thirsty all the time... Stop freaking out about boobs, you could be surrounded by boobs all the time.
You can get more water. Yeah, you can get more water.
It shocks me when people are anti-free the nipple. I'm always like, wait, really? And they're like, yeah. I saw this woman breastfeeding on the train, and I'm like, that's something else.
That scared you because you're afraid to have a family. Yeah, that scares me. The thought of being mature enough to have a child scares me to death, but that is not about masculinity.
That's not about free the nipple. No, no, no. That's because of my Peter Pan complex. Can you guys both show your nipples really quick?
Yeah. Mine's just fine. Sure, all right. Mine's just fine.
We can do anything on this show, but no one would want to be on it if they ever saw that. I just say, take out your nipple right now. That's for the Patreon. Yeah. If you donate $10, I will send you a zoomed-in photo of my nipple that you'll never know if it really is or not. There was one.
I remember with women when I was little, I'd always be like, yeah, I like their boobs to be smaller. And then as I got older, I learned, I never got it when my guy friends were like, I love boobs, man. And I'd be like, yeah, me too. But the small ones, and then eventually it was like nothing, and I was like, that's what I want.
I love her hairy chest, you know? I like it when she has almost no boobs, but it is chiseled, and she's hairy. And when her beard rubs against my ear, oh.
I love circus. The circus?
Oh, yeah. I always had crushes on boys with rosacea because it looked like blush. Sure. And I was like, oh, I'm gay. It's like that skin where it's really red and blotchy, and then I thought they were beautiful. I love that. That's also really cute. That's also, that it's blush, that it looks like makeup, that it looks like- Oh, that's gorgeous. I always like it because it means I'm constantly flattering them or making them feel uncomfortable. Oh, when you calm down, they're like, no, this is, I see a dermatologist at nine.
But you know he's got great steroid dreams. Yeah. Like the good shit. I'm trying to get high off that steroid cream, baby.
What was your question? Any tale from any closet you've ever been in? Me first, yes, well, I wish I hadn't made a sound to call everyone's attention my direction.
I remember once, I was doing my paper route. I had a paper route in middle school and high school. In the 60s. You know, print media was alive. The four seasons were the top of the charts. On Sundays, it was the big paper, and so you'd get most of the stuff on Friday, and then you'd fill the actual paper on Saturdays called stuffing the papers. I was getting the papers ready, and I was in a real mood.
I did it out in my garage. I just had a fight with my brother, and he called me gay. And I was, you know, really, I was really in it.
My dad walks by and says, hey, you okay? And I'm like, no. What's wrong? And Pat called me gay. And my dad said, like, do you think you might be?
Oh, boy. Which, at the time, yes, of course. Yeah. No.
Loved it. Loved dick. Still do. Can't get enough. Fucking cock-hound.
But no. At the time, I said, no. Are you sure? Oh, my God. And I said, yes.
And I was like, okay. Because if you are, it's fine. Like, really, like, you were on trial. I was. This is a witch hunt. I was. A witch is like, yeah.
That kept me in the closet probably for another two years. Exactly. Like, don't make me think about it. Because there's nothing scarier than feeling like you're not getting away with it. Like, when you're in your closet, it's like, oh, the act isn't working. Oh, fuck. Oh, this is a nightmare. The scariest thing about the closet is having to keep the closet door closed.
Totally. It is holding on to the knob with everything you got. Yeah. And also, just to admit, your parents are right about anything. Yeah. Yeah, that was also going on. No. Yeah, you don't know me. Yeah. Sure.
You've seen me in a bunch of musicals. But... I imagine you, like, leaving, like, crying, and, like, all your boas, like, clapping away. Yeah, on your biker. Exactly. Going to my... I truly think I went to my room and put on Jesus Christ Superstar very loudly to really protest that. I love that. It is. No. And also, I feel like...
I don't know if it's like this for kids now, but, like, saying gay and fag was, like, so normal. A fag was everywhere. Everywhere. And anything you did, it was like, that's gay.
And you're like, uh-huh, uh-huh. And you're like, oh, cool.
I'm, like, subconsciously absorbing this as, like, a negative. And no wonder none of us, like...
Yeah. I don't know when you guys... Yeah, the 90s were weird, because it was, like, I remember it was, like, just boys at school dressing up as cheerleaders was just, like, inherently funny. Yeah, totally. And it was, like, just, like, people did it all the time. And that was, like, our, I guess, sense of humor back then. Oh, my God. It was like an episode of Friends. Yeah, oh, it's so homophobic. There's, like, I've been watching Friends, like, oh, yeah, I remember this was, like, the best show ever.
And, like, just the intros, Joey being like, yeah, I broke up with this woman because she had an Adam's apple. And everyone's like, Joey, though, wasn't a woman. Joey, you dodged a bullet.
And he's like, what? It's, like, all, like, fully transphobic, and you're like, laugh track is, like, squealing in the background. And you're like, this is a nightmare. Well, and that's, oh, God.
So as a sociology professor, I can say that the insidious part of microaggressions is that you can't write off the aggressor. If someone's being aggressive, you can say, well, that's a bad person. Of course, they're behaving badly. But it's those microaggressions that really stick with, like, but they're a good person, or that's a popular show, and they say gay is bad. So it must be bad.
Totally, yeah, fully.
This is a comedy show, right? This is a comedy podcast. What are we doing here? This is a fun, funny comedy podcast.
Yeah. I'll tell my story. It's a little, like, later in my life, because I didn't find out I was, or I didn't come out to myself till college, because I'm bi, and I, like, I would get crushes on girls, but also on boys. So every time I got a crush on a boy, I'd be like, well, and also, oh, yeah, I forgot to say this.
My mom told me when I was young that nobody, that you just, nothing counts before you're 18. So, because I would be, like, kind of, like, ask her, like, oh, what if I like girls? And she's like, well, you can like anyone. It just doesn't count till you turn 18. I wish. That's why you got pregnant. I wish I got that paper. And I think, honestly, I don't want to put out my mom, but I think she may be awesome. Well, that's what I'm saying, is, like, these things that our parents say, you're like, that's so telling. It's so weird. She would say, like... Like, wait, mom, what did you do before you were 18?
No, straight up, she would say, women are the peacock, like, how peacocks are the hot ones of, or the, what is it, male peacocks are the hot ones of peacocks. She was like, that's what women are for humans. So everyone likes women. So everybody's going to have crushes on girls. Honey, you're not gay. Everyone likes women. She literally was like, women are, for me, a heterosexual woman. Everyone loves women.
So I just internalized it. But anyways, in college I was like, okay, well, maybe this is something. And I had this crush on this girl in my film class.
And she was so hot. I'm still friends with her. She might watch us. Hopefully. I don't know if I ever told her this, but I just had a huge crush on her. Just stalk her Facebook photos. And then we would kind of like, like, we've definitely vibed. Like we were flirting. I thought she was straight. She would tell me about boys she dated. Then we, we like would go on, like we would have these dates.
We would just be like, I, in my mind, I'm like, maybe I'll, maybe I'll make a move. But I was like, I'm not gay. So what kind of move? I don't know.
And it would be like, do you want, it would be like, do you want to make brownies and drink wine? And then, and I'd be like, are we actually going to make brownies? And then I'd show up and then we'd make brownies and then we'd sit on the bed like just side by side, like just touching and just like drinking wine and chugging wine.
And I'd just be like, I'm so confused. You're making her drink like, just a little bit more, why don't you just drink up? Straight up. So much tension. So confused.
And eventually I was like, whatever. Just a phase. I probably wasn't even a crush. What was that? Then flash forward, like I turned 22 after college, she came to my birthday party, brought a girl.
So I was like, okay. And then made out with me. So I was like, okay. And then made out with everyone. And I was like, oh, okay. And then, yeah.
So then she was like, no, but then she was like, I like girls and guys, but also I'm kind of a slut. No, she's not a slut. I like to not be tied down.
At the time I was so happy and then immediately so sad. Because you were like, finally it happened and then you looked over and she was like, make you out with somebody else. So anyways, so anyways, now we're friends. We never dated, but it was, we were very confusing. I had so many times like that, like the early dates I went on, I was so, it was like right out of, I also came out in college or like right after, because it was so such a religious upbringing for me. So it was like impossible to be gay. It was like, I'm not gay, absolutely.
And like digging my heels into the ground until the very last minute. So then going on dates was like insane whiplash. I was like, I'm on a hiking date with a woman, like, uh, and I would just end up at people's houses, like sitting like fully erect, like on the end of their bed.
And they'd be like, do you want to sit like on the bed normally? And I'd be like, yes, I do. Scoop my rigid body to the end and be like, they're like, do you want to watch a movie? Which now I know is code for like, let's turn off the lights and hook up, like, or at least like get cute. No, no. You finished the film. I, my belt would be on, my shoes would be on, credits would roll. We have watched the entire movie. They'd be like, do you want to sleep over? And I'd be like, yes, I do need sleep, like turn over.
And I started calling this pencil diving because I would just be like a rigid pencil in these people's beds, set my alarm for like six in the morning and like book it and count that as a like, I did it. I was like, cool. Oh my gosh. I slept over at someone's house. I'm like really coming out of my shell these days, try to make a move. I remember you like nice, like back grubs like good night and it like stays there. And but like, I'm so in panic mode that I couldn't even enjoy it. I just be like, just breathe.
I know it's true. Okay. I have a light podcast here. Yeah.
Uh, I have like a couple I'm thinking of like the one I remember this thought like this is so, cause I also came out very late. I actually didn't even, I like broke up. I had a girlfriend and we broke up and it was the summer of my senior year in high school.
And I remember the first, the first ink link I ever got was I was like working at my job, like, like helping back someone up, like checking them out on the register. And then all of a sudden I was like checking him out, but like, I didn't know what that was and he left and I was like, what was that? What just happened to me? That was like the one seat. That was the seed that was like, you do like guys, I don't know like what. So that was like a very crazy journey.
But like, I remember the exact time that I was like, Oh, I am for sure gay. It's cause whenever I'd make out or like kiss a girl, I'd have a countdown be like, okay, I'm going to do this for like 18 seconds.
And then like, yeah, for sure. And then so like I, you can imagine how annoying of you to be like, okay, we're done. And she'd be like, oh my God. Okay. She gets eight now. But like, oh my God, what a job. Um, so I'm talking in the work.
Are you a Virgo? No, full Scorpio. Oh my God. Oh, it sounds like a Virgo thing. Oh God. Who gives a, I'm a, I'm a Taurus for this pretend science class at class. That's how I knew I was gay. Is I liked astrology. Really?
Yeah, yeah, completely. But I remember I was at this like 18 and up bar my like in Arizona cause I came back from college, like changed. Um, and I like, I like kissed my first guy and I was like, okay, I could do this for a while. Like for a solid time, like at least 40 seconds. Yeah, at least 40, but only because I need to go get another drink, girl. Um, yeah, that was like kind of a big, that was a big one relief. Like, yeah, it was like breathing. I was like, okay. Like I get the thing now. It is such a thing to come out to yourself to like, say like, Oh no, I am true.
Cause I like, when I was in like middle school, I had, I had my like group of like five guys that I'd jack off with. Instead of like jacking off with dudes in middle school.
And even, and I, and I was instigating that. I was like, I was like, I was like, Hey, we're having a sleepover.
Okay, great. Let's, uh, let's put on a porno. Great. We're definitely putting on a porno. And then we, you know, we, we jack off, which if you're watching this and any of your friends, if you're to sleep over, whoever pulls out the porno's, uh, queer trying to see you naked.
Uh, David Sedaria's short story about this, like it's so funny and he's at a sleepover and it's his first one with like all young boys and he knows he's so gay and he's trying to hide it. And everyone's in like basketball shorts and they're like, let's all wrestle. And he's like, I can't let this happen. So he pulls out a deck of cards and he's like, no, let's play poker. Like, so they're all like around a table. He's like, but then he gets selfish again and he's like, let's play strip poker and he changes all the rules and he makes everyone else strip.
Except for that's honestly, that's so hot, but I'm like, oh my God. Yes. Honestly, just the basketball shirts alone. That's hot.
I stopped listening. I was, I was somewhere else. Did you guys go ahead? I'll just say, did you guys ever, cause when you were like coming out to yourself, it's like a big thing. Like when my like seed got planted, I used to do the thing where with anything traffic, I'd be playing a video game or something would happen.
I'd be like, if this happens this way, I'm straight. Yeah, when it doesn't happen that way and it's like, I might be gay. I'll be like, okay, but that was like a test.
Oh my God, I had something. Actually, I totally forgot about until you just said that, but I was like in love with this guy that I like followed to New York and wrote a letter to say, and I want to lose my virginity to him. It's like a whole lot, a letter. Anyways, did you hand him the letter and mailed it to Amsterdam? Um, where he lived, he moved. Anyways, he didn't run away from, was it me? No, uh, this guy, but I forgot about this, but I was in love with him. And then he, one time we hooked up and I was like, so happy. And I remember just walking down the street in New York one day and thinking to myself, I don't know where I had this thought.
I was like, if this guy, this is how much I love him. If he tells me he's actually a woman, I will still love him. Oh my God. I love that. I haven't come out to myself. And now I'm like, oh, that's probably like my way of being like, you like women. When he tells me he's a woman, I will still love him. That is so real. I forgot about that. I had so many, I had so many like moments of relief that were really telling, like when I would meet a guy and it went well, I would be like, Oh God.
Okay. Yeah. Thank God. Like, cause now the gay stuff's off the table. It's like, no, it's absolutely still there. Yeah. I know too, because you just, it's like a win. It's a point for you to be like, yeah, there's no way. What's that one line? Uh, if there's no gay cousins, you're the gay cousin. Yeah, it's like, you're like, cool. I miss it. Instead of then you're like, no, no, no, it's, it's me girl. Okay.
Someone had a tweet recently, uh, Jess Tom just now. They're so funny. And they tweeted, uh, having a gay cousin is a privilege. I've got, I've got a huge Irish Catholic family. And so I've got a bunch of gay cousins. It's, there's like the, the homo crew at Christmas.
Uh, it's great. That's great.
I have a twin sister. She's straight, but she's cool. Um, but she's got a little letter in, but she actually had like kissed a girl before I did. And I'm like, how did you get to do that before I did?
It's mean. I feel like there are so many. We just push people away when you're like, nope.
First straight people like this would be so fun. And wouldn't this be funny? And you're like, this would actually be life changing to me.
So no, I'm not ready. Yeah. All right. Great. Let's move on our, uh, each episode we are going to have a haunted word, a scary word in this episode. Cool. I can't wait. Oh my God. Okay. There's going to be some stage craft here. Are you ready?
Barely the scary haunted word. I know what it is. I saw it get whispered. What is it?
It's locker room. Oh my God. Um, yeah, it's just, uh, each episode we're going to have a word and, uh, you just say the first thing that comes to your mind when the word locker room is used, it could be current day. It could be a tail from the closet.
I feel attacked. I feel like this is directed at me. This is absolutely directed at Grant's, uh, favorite weekend activity.
I mean, I didn't say Cialis sauna. Baby, I don't need Cialis. No, baby.
No, I, um, I feel like I'll start it off because I feel like locker room when we're talking about when we're coming out or when we're still, you know, we're specifically kind of right now talking about the middle school. Yeah. Two very different. It's be like now locker room versus middle school locker room is very different. Right. I feel like I was definitely the kid that like, you know, you, like, you change as fast as you can. Cause like, I was like, I just want to change real fast. So like no one, cause you're still figuring it out, but the locker room for me is also kind of a place where it would be very much like, okay, like I'm going to look at my locker, but like, Oh, let's look to my left. Oh my God.
Okay.
That's crazy. You know, cause you're curious. Oh, we have a question in guys, locker rooms. Do you guys like walk around with their junk out, like to show off guy? I feel like guys are crazy. Oh, they're like, they're like, it's like a full, you sound like you have Stockholm syndrome, like men are insane.
And I do love, I hate it. I hate that. This is the hand I've been.
No, I mean, like I get, like in middle school, like for gym class, there's, you know, you don't have to get naked. You're not changing your underwear to go to gym class.
Um, and yet, and yet, you know, there, I still saw so many decks. I loved the locker room in middle school for exactly that reason. Cause it's like, Oh, I'm going to see a fucking D and it's going to be great. There was, I remember like a couple of times there was like a spell when I went to a Catholic school, um, uh, with a very small class, they're like 20 guys. And for a spell, like the joke was for a few guys to jack off into another guy's shoes, uh, and I was so in favor of it, I was so in favor of it. I, I, I laughed hardest at that joke and would be right there to watch the whole thing.
It was a goddamn dream. No. Oh man. That's crazy.
I saw your guys's locker room. Everyone was jacking up in your shoe. Coming into shoes all the time. No, the reason you, I asked you that is cause that was like a thing in girls locker rooms and like girls who had boobs early would show off their boobs. And they walk in the hot girls, especially. There was one hot girl who went on to be like a NFL cheerleader or whatever.
She was hot through the rest of her life. God bless her. She's now dead. She's now done. But she like had boobs. She was like perfect.
And then she would, um, like in the middle of changing, just like walk around and go up to her friend, just talk to her friend and have a conversation probably to show up, but just be like, Oh my God, like what's up? How's it going? And I was just like, Oh my God, this girl is so crazy. You are describing the girl. I wish I could be in high school. I wanted, but she yelled at a girl, not me, thank God. But there was this like kind of like, there's always like a weird person in your PE class and probably very nice.
I'm so sorry, uh, Sunny, her name was Sunny and she would stare. And then of course, cause this girl's walking around trying to get attention. And then so she made fun of this girl. Brianna made fun of Sunny for staring.
And I remember being like, don't look, don't look. And that means the new rule. That's crazy because the locker room never affected me because I, I feel like, oh, like a woman could be like in like a, she's in like a short skirt. And that was never something that I was like, Oh my God, I'm gay.
But it was when someone was like, Hey, like, how was your week? Or like really nice or like, they would like help like the old teacher pick up his papers or something. I was like, Oh, I'm gay. No, it was never like a hot body. It was like someone who was like deeply kind. And I was like, I want to like support you, whatever you need. Like I have extra time this week. And like, I don't know. I want to like, I was like, I need a thought. Like, I'm like, I mean, good at sports was definitely something for me.
Like everyone on the soccer team, I was like, and hi, soccer teams, like the soccer, the soccer boys, generally, soccer, first of all, anyone who plays soccer is gay and anyone who plays soccer is hot. Yeah, a bunch of hot, gay people, no straight people.
Yeah. So if you play soccer, welcome. You're welcome. If you have some sort of a white jersey with like red accents. Yeah, your Emirates jersey is fucking hot. It's fucking sexy. That's what I put on any profile. I say I play soccer and then we meet in person.
I just say I quit. No, no, but now I will. Do you do you play soccer? I quit.
God, how long do you play? Oh my God. And then it begins.
Wait, what profiles do you guys have? What profiles? Who uses dating apps?
I can't use that. I like went on and off for so long. They never worked for me. So I stopped using them.
I'm like such a big in person person. I need that tension, you know, like I need to feel it vibe. Yeah, I don't have that. I use meetups and I like a lot. I'm like, there's plenty of tension when you finally meet up. I don't know. You guys are amazing.
I'm on Tinder, I'm on Grindr. I feel like most people are the worst. Yeah, well Grindr, I hear horror stories from my brother. He's like, Grindr is a nightmare.
I always feel better deleting apps because I feel more clear headed. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah, I have that. I don't have that. My phone is stacked with apps.
I'm going to show you. I'm not going to show the camera. You could turn like a non dating app into a dating app. But I could just see you on then.
This guy spent $100 under $80. Search collegehumor.com. There happens to be a sketch about that exact thing. Yeah, definitely go to collegehumor.com. That's where everyone gets their college humor videos. Yeah, let's be nice. They're definitely only on YouTube.
We can't cut that. We can't cut anything.
I did meet a girl once that I dated briefly on an app. I can't remember if it was Tinder or OkCupid, but it was early Tinder. Like before it became a wasteland.
Everyone was still hot on it. Not that everyone's beautiful.
I see it's Tinder. I'm so sorry. It's now just more accessible. I like putting on dating apps that I'm looking for friends because then it takes all the weird stuff off. And I am. And especially like queer LA Tinder or whatever app. I hate when someone says they're looking for friends because it's A, bullshit B. So much more work for me because I got to be like, is this person in the closet? Do they actually want me to lure them out?
Like I don't deal with that. I fucking have friends. I don't. I'm not here. I'm not here to make friends.
The pressure off. Yes, it takes the pressure off. It's going to be like, put more pressure on.
That's what I like about dating apps though is I find there's less pressure of like everyone on the apps is there for the same thing. And so if you're connecting with someone, it's like, OK, are we going to meet in a romantic fashion or are we not? If I meet someone in real life, which I also enjoy, but it's like, I don't know the rules of this interaction yet. Which does make there be some tension, but it also makes it harder for me to shoot a load with that person.
Jesus fucking Christ, Greg. I like it. I like shooting loads of people. Is that what you're about, says, looking to shoot a load? Look at my thoughts. Here's the same thing. Oh, God. Put the pressure on and the load will feel better. This is very Scorpio of you moving on. No.
Any more locker room talk. That's what this podcast just got changed to. My locker room now fucking rules. It's still a great place to sit. Did you guys have like locker room talk?
Like just like, because I feel like a lot of girlfriends I had were really into just talking about sex all the time. And I didn't lose my virginity till late. So I just gave a lot of blow jobs. And I remember just being like, I'll just get good at this. And then I can have a thing to say.
No way. All the girls I was around didn't like blow jobs.
I always just felt like something was off. And then I was like, I don't know. Maybe that was what it is.
I liked the very transactional feeling of the blow job. That's gay of you. Yeah, because that means that you're full gay. I was just like, you know what? I sometimes wonder, because I always think about women when I have sex with men.
Do you count down? No.
And I just want to say, I still enjoy it. So that's why I don't think I'm just gay, because I like men. But I also like to think about women when I'm with them. It's complicated and I love it. Really? I feel like it is, and I love it.
Do you count down? No, no. Well, sometimes. It's just like, I don't even have to go to bed. I have work in the house. I do, though. I do hate.
I mean, I find it to be, I hear from a lot of women, it's like, ew, blow jobs are misogynistic. I fucking love giving blow jobs. I can't get enough giving blow jobs.
There's just too much material there. There's a lot.
As someone who's only into women, I'm like, what is all this extra, I don't. No, it's just like a button. I don't have the bandwidth. I would rather give a blow job than get a blow job. Really? That feels crazy. I would rather, I so rarely come from a straight up blow job.
This is a good podcast. This is a fun podcast to do.
Yeah, fully. I mean, I could see that.
Does that mean, I don't know what that means. I was going to try to meet you where you are, and I don't have any of the vote paths.
I dated one guy in college. We were both Christian, and we waited. Thank God. I can relate to Grant, though, because there's a feeling of being in your head, right? That's how I used to be.
I didn't like when people went down on me because I was in my head thinking, oh, I have to performatively enjoy this. I think getting a blow job for me is too passive to come. I can't, unless I'm like, what are you doing in the hands? I really need to, if I'm going to come from a blow job, I really need to face fucking someone. Oh my God. Yeah, I need to be face bucking. I need to be fucking someone's face hole.
What do you want? What are we doing? What is this?
I think you guys are just hooking up with people that you're being too polite with. I just said I'm going to fuck their face holes. Polite isn't my problem. You need to stop worrying about manners, okay, Grant? You, personally. Sure, I'm going to treat their face like an object for me to shoot a load into. I think you're talking a lot of bravado. I feel like you're like, I'm just this guy.
That's why, Paul. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's why I say, I'm not going to. And the script, you know, and the Taurus face. No, no, and that's like, they're obviously, yeah. My point is that I'm not going to just do that to someone if that's not what they want, but I also probably won't come.
Hmm, interesting. That's why I say, like, you know. That's so funny. I've hooked up with people before that were like really like, bam, bam, bam. And you're like, I, that's not me. Yeah, that's like. My neck, like literally within like 15 seconds of knowing them and I was like, absolutely not. So I need, I guess it's just like different speeds. You got to find someone to see. Yeah, you, it's a, you're communicating non-verbally and that's what you have to do. I guess. I just think that's such a wild swing.
A bite on the neck. That's like animal. A bite on the neck. It's like a lizard.
This is from the person who saw someone cleaning up papers and saying that's the hottest thing in the world. And I was wet as fuck. Oh my God.
As long as you're in love with me, I'll come. That's all. Oh great. Aww, that's so cute. I'm into myself, so. As long as you're in love with me. I don't know how I feel about you yet, but oh God. All right, great.
We are to the point in the show, which is actually my favorite part. We have viewers submit questions to the show. Great. We did an anonymous survey this time, which is great because that helped a lot more people ask questions.
Some people don't want their names attached. Some people are still in the closet. Shout out to you in the closet.
Clear your cookie browser after watching this. Because we just got real crap.
Great, so we have a few of those. Thank you, Paul. This was the stage crap from before that I saw the answer to. It's my favorite part. Great, so we will.
Allie really wanted to be holding a candle when this just. I really wanted to be. It took a few minutes to find a candle that would light up.
You're so welcome. Yeah, a lot of my demands have been met. I wanted this show to be very spooky and I think we've really accomplished that. Great, we have, ooh, four questions here.
For those of you watching or listening, if you would like to submit a question, we will have more anonymous surveys going out. Just look at the dropout discord, thank you. There's a discord and if you don't subscribe to dropout, you can find this survey probably on Instagram somewhere. I bet I'll post it. Subscribe to dropout.
What are you doing? It's three dollars, what are you doing? Four dollars? It's 19 dollars.
Subscribe to dropout. All right, our first question. No names are attached to any of these? Great. Once you came out.
Hi, my name's Christopher Maryarty and I am. This is where I live. I am in the closet and I'm married to a man.
Once you came out, did you find yourself talking about your sexuality a lot, out of a sense that it had kind of consumed you and made up so much of your identity at the time? No, no, no. I think there's a lot more of like being open with like being like you're allowed, I think the switch that happened was I was now then allowed to be like, I think that guy's cute. Yeah. Or, and people would like engage you in that way. Yes. I think some gay people, when they come out, have a, and I wonder if this isn't what the question's in reference to, like go for it, like seem to change their identity because they have. I think that is a way of sort of naming yourself and taking your own space and saying like, this is who I am and I'm not ashamed of it. And there is a performative element of that sometimes, which I wonder if that's not what the question is. I think that is what the question is. I think some people, I also think it has to do with society being like neutral is straight and anything outside of that is like more on people's radar because sometimes I will talk about like, in sketches or something, I'll talk about being gay or I'll have like a female partner in the sketch and people will be like, God, you just beat us over the head with how gay you are. And I'm like, I'm fully just acting out my life. And the fact that it is like coming across as me beating you over the head with the fact that I'm gay. A lot of commenters are.
Yeah, I mean. Do Gray and Ally have to be gay in every sketch? Yeah, fully. Which, yeah, representation motherfuckers. Yeah, exactly.
I got a fever and that's the only cure. You mean internet commenters aren't nice?
Can you believe it? That's crazy. Can you believe it?
Everyone's nice on the Discord though, subscribe to Dropout. Yeah, Discord is honestly gorgeous. Yeah, it's great. Everyone's been really sweet. It's a pleasure.
Yeah, no, so I think it might be a mix of maybe you're talking a little bit more about your sexuality, because now you can, and that other people are like flagging it more. I felt like I did talk more, well, because I do stand up too, so it's like there's, once I'm out, I have more stories about being out, and of course that like folds into my stand up. But I also think I met more like other bi friends after coming out, and so there's a lot more like, oh cool, we can connect, and oh, I didn't know you had this experience and whatever. Totally. Over the top, all the time. But I definitely do feel like I felt more open and that led me to having more conversations that I, with people about being out and about those experiences. Yeah, totally. There is an element of coming out where, which no one really tells you before you come out, is that you have to keep coming out all the time. Oh my God.
Like you come out once a week to someone new. It's just a conversation you have now. Learn your script.
There's definitely the, it totally reminds me, because it's like, do I do that now? And it's like, I totally do do it now. And whenever I think someone, I mean, for those of you who know me, I am pretty gay. I'm pretty feminine. But sometimes, yeah, you'll be in an office setting or in a meeting or something, and I'll just, I will make the mental note that I do want. Or sometimes with women, I don't want them to think I'm being like a creepy guy. If I'm like commenting them or being like, oh my God, I love, so I really like dial it up.
Yeah. Oh, it's the same. Even more so than I would in real life. Yeah, I mentioned that I, that like a guy I dated or something, like work it, just work it in a conversation. But then there are those like, you're like in an Uber and it'll be like, you're gonna go out and meet some women tonight? It's like, all the time. I don't need you. It's so much that it's like, okay, well. That's so funny. How do I feel like having this conversation right now?
I don't. I don't usually.
It's like, yep, gonna go get some. Good God. Oh, that's so crazy. In terms of places that are somewhere. It just went somewhere. I fully blanked on whoever. The most straight places in the US are the Deep South and Lyft and Uber. Yes, it's crazy.
Car seats, back seats. That is an unwelcoming space. Gross.
There's that comedian, Sam Jay. Do you guys know her? She has such a funny joke because she's like in her Netflix special.
She's like really masked. Like shaved head, kind of like clothes and stuff. And she's like, I don't even know if this is the kind of lesbian I am. But like, if I dress like this, I don't have to keep like explaining that I'm gay to people and like attracting women. She's like, maybe I like heels, but I don't know.
This is just easier. But it is so true. You can lean into it and you're like, great, I'm getting all the results I want. People I want to talk to me are coming up to me now. Like, hey, yeah. Great. Next question.
Do you have any tips for struggling with a lack of affection and love when you aren't yet out of the closet? When you can't be with someone for various reasons but are still craving it? I see everyone around me in love and I feel so starved for that feeling.
Love you, Ally XX. First, I want to say not everyone around you is in love. That is what it feels like. Cool, Grant's response to this question is love is not real. I'm serious, I'm serious. Like it seems that way because you're projecting your own lack of that onto someone. True. And Instagram is the place that you post a sweet photo on when you're in a fight. Yeah. People who aren't in love don't talk about that. People who are in love demonstrate that. Also, even when you're out and like both men and women, you can also have trouble finding love. Yeah, of course. So, you know, it's just, you know, it's not true. It feels unique to you that you can't find love and it is not. It's true.
I'll break, I want to break this down a little bit because I feel like this is not just like a gay question. It's like, this is very much like to get, we all like, you know, as people, we like want like affection. It's important in anything. It is. And I think like what it comes down to is like, I, as if I'm understanding the question correctly because you're like, I really want, even just like a handhold or like touch my foot with your foot. Like it's going to happen, but I think like most of the time, I don't know. That's the time where I go really like looking to yourself and you're just like, I, what can I give myself? Like sometimes I'll, to like get that need, feel more physical. Preach Ryan, this is great. Yeah, like sometimes I'll be like, I'll take myself like out of like on a date. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just like, I don't know, it's like a good, it's a good thing because instead of reaching, you're just like. Like what's the feeling? Like people always feel like you have to go outside to like fill your hole or whatever. I mean, not really. You know what I know you mean. Also literally.
I filled my hole anywhere I want. But you can like fill your own hole.
Yeah, what that thing you think is missing and like do it on your own because even if you're in love, like someone, you're still going to feel empty if you haven't dealt with that part of yourself. True, that's full codependency. Like feed a codependency book. That will help a lot, but it is all about, yeah, there's someone outside can't actually make you feel complete, but you may feel that that's true.
A good one too is like reading. Like it sounds socially like reading like that, you know.
Like mine, oh, I just had a flashback. I just had a flashback. This feels crazy.
Sophomore year, high school, Twilight. I definitely read that for Edward, the vampire.
Oh yeah, that writing was so bad I couldn't get it. I never read it. I never read it either.
I don't know, sometimes because that to me will be like, oh my God. That was like my, I'm dating Edward. That's where you got some like affection. Yeah, just like while you're, I don't know. That A, makes you feel better and B, will make you a more attractive partner for someone when you meet that person. As if you are a whole person. Instead of like being out there like, oh, maybe I'll meet someone. Yeah, totally, take time. Also, it's great if you're in the closet, read some like gay history books. Like you may feel like you're, we've all said it so far, even just in this show, I came out late.
There's no such thing as that. There's no I came out too late. There's no nothing.
Read these books where people are literally like in their 60s and have like a secret girlfriend. Like, you know, read Stone Butch Blues. Read, what are some other like gay. That's the one I read in college. Stone Butch Blues is a nightmare, but it's good.
Boys in the band, if you wanna get sad. Watch boys don't cry. We're literally like creating a recipe for disaster. Read these out over multiple years. This person's like, how do I feel love for like cry?
I said boys in the band. I said boys in the band, but I meant and the band played on.
And I'm sorry.
You should be. Another good one too that I did was like a gay teen forum. Oh, yes. I like, you can like make your own user names or anonymous and that was like a really cool spot for me to kind of like, I remember I was like 18, 19. And I just was like, oh my gosh. It was cool to talk to guys about guys and we'd like rate pictures of each other and just be like, you guys are all hot. It was just like, while you're like not like fully out. And like, there was some people who were like more out on there and some people who were just discovering it.
There should be a discord channel for this. There is. Some sort of, is there a gay one? Yeah. Am I, was I not invited? I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, there's a discord channel. Maybe I would have seen it. Jump on discord.
Yeah, yeah. Are you guys gonna make out? After you. Great, all right. Moving on to our next question. We've got a couple left here. Ooh, yikes, baby. All right, this is a doozy.
Is it worth coming out if I will ruin my mother's life and affect our relationship with my entire family? I'm a queer person in my 20s and I've done okay at compartmentalizing my straight me and the actual me. I'm not happy about it but I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice every familial relationship I have. Ooh. Please go, I have a lot to say.
Okay, so I have a complicated relationship with my mom as foreshadowed before. She knows I'm out but I had to come out to her twice because she was like in denial. But I think a lot of times we, it sounds like this person's thinking about other people's needs before theirs. And no matter what you do in life, even if you try to be a good person, you can't always please everyone, right? True. If it starts to become like you're hurting yourself because you're prioritizing someone else's needs, that's when you gotta be like, I gotta set my boundaries. If I think that you'll feel better if you come out, I don't know what your details of the relationship are but it's your mother. Of course not all mothers do except their kids but you might be surprised. It's hard to tell because I don't know this specific relationship but I also know that you need to do what's right for you and you can't put your mom before you. So if you love her and she loves you, it might not be like at first her first choice but she's gonna realize and work through it and then whatever happens will be the thing that you're supposed to do. And then I bet you she's still gonna love you and so I don't know, I just think that you can't. I had a similar thing. I'm like super religious parents and I was like, I was just kind of like preempting what I thought their response would be without them having actually said anything that I thought that they would say back.
And both my parents are fully fine. Both my brother and I are very gay. They fully love us.
But it is just that scary. You feel like you are going to ruin their life. That's such a interesting way to put it.
Should I come out if it will ruin my mom's life? Like oh don't let that feel, that's not your burden to make or break your mom's life. Well also the other thing is in this person's mind they think they're maintaining an illusion that the mom just has a straight kid, but they don't. So already it's not, like already it's a lie. Your parents know you, they've watched you grow up. Already you're not actually that thing that you think your mom wants so just be you and then make your mom want it because if you're lying neither of you are winning. She doesn't actually have a straight kid and you're not out. So nobody gets what they want.
I also always thought like when you're coming out to your parents or someone close to you I'm always like give them the amount of time it took you. I was, yes, this is, it took me 22 years to realize I was gay, which means my parents still have time, you know like they came around.
But yeah, it took me, think of the grappling that you went through in your own mind and give them some of that. Yeah, I think you should, it's like important, it's the most scary thing ever. But it's so important to give, because to me it's like that's how you know people really love you is when they meet the challenge. And so you have to give. Give them the opportunity. I was just gonna say, give them the chance to prove to you that they can do it. These are people that you presumably love and if you don't love them what do you care if you ruin their lives? Totally. But you do. And so give them enough credit to.
Rise to the occasion. To rise to the occasion. Like let them surprise you.
It also helps, for me, I feel like if you write a letter, it's like that conversation of coming out is so loaded and scary and I totally get that. Write it all down and then you're able to just read a letter and get out what you wanted. That's such a great idea. To answer to the first part of the question, is it worth it?
I don't know what will happen to you if you come out. I don't know your circumstances. You don't know where in the world you are. I don't know where you are.
I will say, I bet the answer is yes. Because coming out is so good.
When you talk about how good you are at compartmentalizing, compartmentalizing like that is so exhausting. And it's toxic to you. Yeah, it hurts you in ways you don't even know that you're hurting yourself. It is so deeply painful and damaging. You don't know how exhausted you are.
So you can put down the weight. You'll be a better partner out than you would be in the closet. That's it, like honestly, this is perhaps controversial, but you're not really gonna have, no one worth your time will date you if you are in the closet. Because you're dragging them back into the closet. It's true, it is very hard to date someone in the closet. Well-adjusted day people don't want to go back into the closet. So you are sacrificing more than you think by staying in the closet. You will be healthier out, yeah.
That's a great moment to end on. Great, well, this was an hour. When we started, we said we were gonna talk about gay bars. Oh yeah, yeah. That didn't happen.
Fuck gay bars, they're a nightmare. Once again, thank you so much to all my guests. I love gay bars. I can't let that be the last word. Gay bars are a true nightmare. Gay bars are awesome, I'm so grateful for them.
Great, thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Tales from the Closet. Please hit us up. If we post a survey, please write a question. We would love to hear from you.
And if you don't mind sharing your name or where in the world you are, I would welcome that. It's nice to have a little bit of a context. Totally, you had us up on social media. I love hearing from gay people. Yeah, let's do plugs. What are your social media names? Do you want to engage with people?
What's going on? I feel like Instagram's kind of like my thing. It's your thing. Right, my thing, it's like my most social thing.
You let us borrow it, which is nice of you. I would appreciate if you guys would give it back.
It's Ribrator, R-R-Y, B-R-A-T-O-R. Great. Yeah, great. Hey, I'm at Larissa T. on All Socials. I have a podcast, can I tell them one of this? Yeah, of course, please. It's called You Can Tell Me Anything and it's people telling me secrets. Ooh. To get up their chest, somewhere heavy, somewhere light, it's fun. Great. Can I plug something? Yeah, please.
Oh my god, sorry, Grant, I'm coming in. Hey, did you miss me?
I created this web series I'm obsessed with. It's called We're Gonna Murder My Boyfriend and it's like Kill Bill with drag queens and it's like a mess in a beautiful way.
Yes, is it out? It's totally out. Watch it. We're gonna murder my boyfriend. Yeah. Great. It's my favorite thing.
Why weren't you following me already, you fuckups? Well, on that note, thank you so much and see you guys, what, in a week, a month?
Okay. Wow, that's how you put the pressure on your director. That's how you do it.
Awesome, thank you so much and be well. Be safe, be happy.
What's up, it's Ali from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff and if you wanna see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
cracked | 3_ways_the_wwe_invented_modern_professional_sports_today_s_topic | Vince McMahon the wrestling tycoon yep modern-day sports profit didn't he also start the XFL the alternative football league that went belly up in its first year boom that's the guy sports profit you think he was a property I see it coming right yeah turn to profit yes okay well granted the XFL was a little too avant-garde that doesn't change the very real impact mr.
McMahon has had on sports events beat every other professional sport to the telegraph pun shut up it's real okay nowadays you know your average fan they can follow their favorite team 24 7 thanks to this endless cycle of analysis only occasionally interrupted by games just to fill all the time you got to have heroes and betrayals addictions drama we demand behind the scenes all access and who gave it to us first Rebecca DeLong cream 11th grade Brittany Albrecht 10th grade but my point is in sports it was Vince McMahon he knew way back in the mid 80s that just having he men brain damage each other wasn't enough so what did he do he built his whole show around these huge pay-per-view events and then he spent weeks building him up on the free show earthquakes out on Jake the snake snake oh no will macho man ever marry miss Elizabeth sergeant slaughter has betrayed America and only Hulk Hogan can save us somehow you never suspect the guy named slaughter seems too obvious point is guy had less demand than he had compelling matches and he solved it sports marketing genius basically exactly what all the sports networks do now almost 30 years later hey Vincent invent fictional narrative all right Joseph Campbell did the parallels get crazier okay did you know Vince McMahon had a doping scandal in the 90s that played out exactly like the recent one in baseball compared to the 2008 Roger Clemens case in both cases you got star witnesses that are granted immunity yet failed to implicate the defendant in both cases the prosecution's only corroborating witness was effectively discredited but if memory serves one of them was an ex-con named nails so credibility wasn't exactly an abundance but in both cases they were acquitted Vince kept making money kept taking steroids if anything his victory over the law just made him more braced guy basically drew up the road map on how to beat the government on doping you just intimidate their star witness you let the cast off say whatever they're gonna say hire some good lawyers if you ask me even OJ took a page out of the McMahon playbook he also killed his wife like an occasion man yeah totally he totally tried mr.
McMahon's wrestling persona mr.
McMahon tried to kill almost every member of his family at one time or another he was constantly interfering with matches changing the rules he was like a deus ex machina plus a lightning rod for all of the audience's hatred rolled up into one you know that actually sounds a lot like the commissioners are starting to act now thank you for that warm welcome and good evening yeah all sports writers everywhere is starting to mention it like the commissioners are getting into the act and they're super nefarious like NBA commissioner David Stern took a chair to a totally legit 2011 trade citing basketball reasons but the only reason he did it was because he had a competing interest in one of the teams involved then Roger Goodell an NFL guy suspended a bunch of players in 2012 bounty scandal but he had such inconclusive evidence that his ruling was overturned by an ex-commissioner see straight WWF style for the pandas came and took our f away days yeah I guess Vince is kind of a prophet if that's true then he's ruining sports yep can't say he didn't warn us though in my head I just imagined in mourning me too really yeah probably the same clip I've made fools of all of you fools yeah oh my god exactly what was I thinking then you were thinking it's like an emotional psychic exactly like we both feel it empath empaths hey guys always remember to subscribe and have an amazing new year my resolution this year is to be valued hugged once maybe twice would be really cool someone to look me in the eye you know or like smile say my name right one of those one of those things happy new year you guys |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_World_s_Plea_A_Dream_Team_To_The_Rescue_Australia_Offers_A_Helping_Hand_More_February_25 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin and what an interesting time to be alive. There's a lot going on in the world, we've completely forgotten about the coronavirus and we are now launching into a full scale war, on other side of the planet of course but the ripples will be felt here. I'm Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate and I'm Errol Parker and I am Wandal Hussey.
Thanks for joining us. How are you all going? Good mate. Relatively pretty well hey.
There's a lot of value on world markets at the moment, tell you what you'd be absolutely spewing if you're stretching your ass to pay a mortgage in Sydney, I mean I think those prices are going to be going up, there's going to be a lot of people in cheap suits doing the breakdowns under bendy buses around the country I tell you what. Interesting times ahead. What have we got in the news? Well we've got a story from a couple of days ago which still remains as relevant today and the headline on it reads, Report, can you please settle down bro? Yes this was a statement that was issued a few days ago by the whole world and directed at Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia, it was a message that obviously wasn't heeded. It is still as pertinent now though given everyone would probably be happy to see Russia just back it up, woo up a little bit and maybe not start World War 3. That's right and I'd just like to take this moment to echo the sentiments of many social media influences around the world and send a message to Russian leader Vladimir Putin saying, please call off this invasion Vladimir. As the rest of the world said in this report, come on brah, take a look at yourself, this isn't you, let it go, not worth it, well let's go for a walk, get a feet or something. Yeah please, just drop it Vladimir.
Now there is a little bit of positive news, the people of Ukraine have been relieved to learn that they have the support of some of the world's greatest minds. Yeah as most people are acutely aware now, Russia's decision to recognise the independence of two separate estates of Lunhask and Donetsk in eastern Ukraine has resulted in a full blown war. But it's not all bad news because the Ukrainians have some pretty heavy hitters in their corner.
Yes we're talking about sleepy Joe Biden, an ageing geriatric who mistook his 79th birthday for his 58th birthday. We're talking about Boris Johnson who partied during lockdowns and openly bragged about shaking hands with COVID-19 patients in 2020 just 4 days before finding himself strapped to a ventilator in St Thomas Hospital ICU ward.
And we're talking about the man who stares into a welding flare and starts trade wars, our very own Scott Morrison. Hang on, hang on, he who has not stared at the forbidden welding light casts a first stone. We will touch on that forbidden light a little bit down the track, but yes some pretty good men to have in your corner as you walk into a life and death situation.
Now staying on that front of assistance to Ukraine, our nation that took 10 years to roll out a copper wire NBN, has kindly offered cyber warfare support to Ukraine. It might not be military support in the face of an avalanche of Russian soldiers, but it's something and Ukraine is singing Australia's praises after our kind offer of assistance in the face of unbridled adversity. Yes as you've probably heard these future wars are going to involve a real online element and the proud owner of the 61st fastest broadband service in the world, we've offered cyber warfare support to Ukraine to help them fight against Russia.
Just really need it not to rain on the big days when it's all ticking off. Speaking exclusively to the advocate this morning, Foreign Minister Maurice Payne said that our crack cyber warfare department, which consists solely of a spotty 24 year old kid named Felix, has been dispatched and they are on the way over there now. Maurice Payne, you really are the thinking man's Pauline. Indeed.
Now some federal politics news and the Prime Minister's office has revealed that his snazzy new sunglasses are actually a fashion statement and are definitely not a medical device. Yes, the Prime Minister's office released a statement on Monday morning after Scott Morrison was spotted wearing some futuristic looking sunglasses to the beach just days after exposing his retinas to a welding flash. His staffers claim that it's a daggy dad look rather than a measure to combat the effects of looking at the so-called forbidden light. As his office said and I quote, Mr Morrison is simply unfast about fashion and he has more things to worry about such as running the economy and making sure all Australians have a job. Welding is a fine trade and Mr Morrison is very good at it. The video circulating of the Prime Minister welding with no eye protection is fake.
It was created by the enemies of the state and its origins are now being traced. There you go. Finishing up with some sports news, something a little bit lighter now to round out the week. And the NRL has politely declined the West Tigers request to be granted five captains challenges a game. Yes, the Sydney based rugby league team that has a mortgage on the ninth place of the ladder has raised eyebrows this week by appointing five players in their leadership group instead of just picking one captain like everyone else does, which is probably a fair indication of how underwhelming things are down in Tiger Town. And while they are entitled to do just that, they've been laughed out of the office by NRL boss Peter Verlandes, who said that just because they've got half the team picked as captain doesn't mean they get half a team's worth of captain challenges for refereeing errors. They just get one, just like everyone else. Yeah, apparently he said to the boss of the West Tigers, who do you think you are? Special treatment? You're not the Sydney Roosters mate, get out of here. No, if only they still had a leagues club mate, maybe people would start taking them seriously. I think they've got the Ashfield leagues.
Doesn't count mate. Doesn't count.
They don't need to worry about refereeing errors, they just need to focus on themselves. As our friends at Hullo Sports say, they are a dirty merger club, so you know, having an Ashfield RSL is not... Who's dirtier? St George or West Tigers in your opinion? St George is the filthiest team in the NRL. They're an abomination.
Don't think you'll find many arguing with you about that. Anyway, that's where we'll leave it for this week. Hopefully we come back to you with better news in the leagues time. Talk soon. Hurrah! I don't think we will. |
cracked | 6_times_the_wwe_tried_to_get_serious_and_failed | We ask for this opportunity to come out here and ask you and to address why is there racism here in the World Wrestling Federation when you just said yourself last week or two weeks ago that there was. Whomever it was that was responsible for the vandalism in your locker room and to a certain extent the racial slurs on behalf of the World Wrestling Federation we apologize. There is no racism here in the World Wrestling Federation we don't allow it we'll allow it under any circumstances. Team DX in a classic Survivor Series elimination match.
I don't know what you're cooking smells like sh**. Oh my. But I think I'll eat some anyway. Because it's our brave men and women. What the hell is this? I am a prisoner in my own country. And I feel your patriotism. In every airport, on every quarter, but isn't it wonderful that you live in a great country like the United States of America where you are free to express your views no matter how stupid they sound. Billy, you've captured my heart. And that's why I'm happy to ask you to be my tag team partner permanently. What in the hell is going on in here?
We're not gay. I mean, we got nothing against gay people. As a matter of fact, if I was gay, I probably wouldn't marry Chuck. But that guy right there ain't pronouncing us nothing.
Now I know you know a thing or two about prescription medication. And I don't think you realize is that you have to go to a doctor to legally obtain some.
Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life. Eddie ain't in heaven. Eddie's down now.
I brought you here to manage a wrestler. He's six foot one. He's 240 pounds. He's in his 20s. He's a very special talent. Eugene. That's a special headset. There you go, Eugene. Well, this is the thing that Eugene doesn't seem to figure out is that when he's just having fun, other people take a finch to it. |
TheOnion | the_onion_s_modern_woman_the_retiree | everything is right up here. When I was a young woman, you had to make a choice at a certain age. Every girl did. Do I find a nice man, settle down, have a family, or go pro on the motocross circuit? That was it. One or the other. You couldn't have both. Like most women, I chose family.
Us girls growing up, we'd wear these. We'd even take Kodak and Campbell Soup logos on our clothes like we were sponsored.
But you couldn't ride and have a family. That was unheard of. I remember my mother telling me, you don't want to end up childless and alone like Aunt Lizzie out on the nitro circus tour, do you? I still think about what life would have been like if I had picked the circuit. Suiting up, feeling that coal steel pony come to life underneath me every day. But then I wouldn't have my wonderful Alan, my three kids, their kids, my whole life. But I shouldn't have had to choose. Do I regret listening to everyone's advice and not getting a tight 125 cc two-stroke? Yeah, sometimes. Part of me wishes that I at least given it a try. Even if I had looped out every jump and ended up eating dirt. Or maybe I would have smoked everyone on the course.
I'll never know. What does give me hope though, is knowing that my granddaughter Lauren can be both a wife and a mom and a stone-cold freak on the moto. I'll never forget when I saw her win the hole shot and then block past some squid at the Tacoma Dome last year. It was one of the proudest days of my life. She has no idea there was a time when women had to choose between the bike and the bassinet. I think part of me is living vicariously through my granddaughter.
Feeling every kick of the wheels through the ruts, every spray of dirt from the tires, the rush of air from absolutely crushing the Superman seat grab. You know when I close my eyes I can still hear that sweet purr. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. It's so nice you'll be able to have it all. |
cracked | the_7_dumbest_things_about_the_world_s_smartest_toilet_does_not_compute | Hey everybody and welcome to another commanding episode of does not compute cruising the information superhighway for rubber-toe hitch Testicles on the side of the road. I'm your host the magic school bus with me as always is my co-host clips of Ranger danger What do you been up to this week clippy? All handling.
Oh, yeah, all right Well to each their own speaking of elegance epitomized today's topic is Numi robot wonder box every so often a technology comes along that changes the way we live The automobile the smartphone that synthetic heroin that's good for you and now The new me listen to the delicate piano devour its sensuous curves Is it a tiny car? Is it a computer for the blind envy the painfully metropolitan couple who've broken away? Momentarily from a cocktail party conversation with other glitterati to pause Reflect and poop in a metal box. It's a toilet $6400 toilet 6400 my butt didn't cost that much the new me is for a very specific type of consumer the type That's not afraid to put their money where their ass is take a seat and say hey my poop special It deserves deluxe treatment, and I love Ben Franklin too much to wipe my ass with hundos I mean look at these people they're clearly about to crap in front of one another in a glass room This is not a toilet for the taint of fart Wow, and a bad pun sensor. They really thought of everything take pooping music for example in addition to an iPod docking bay The new me comes with a pre-loaded set of proprietary music composed specifically for it by the saddest Composers in the world daddy. What do you do for a job daddy writes music honey? Like the concerts in the park No No, I don't like the concerts in the park it's even got its own iPad you can use to control the temperature of your feet while you poop and the Angle and pressure of the water that goes into your asshole afterwards is there an app for that I didn't think so, but you just know they'll try to get in on it. Oh and one more thing It's shampoos your balls Too little too late my right clippy Yeah, yeah, yes shut the fuck up Sorry The new me's even got Customizable savable pooping profiles so that you can monitor your family's most vulnerable bodily functions Just don't forget to clear that old browser history Who had the bidet on turbo pulse for 40 minutes with the seat set to spank Repeat cycle believe me I wouldn't normally use the show to promote a product like this But I gotta say as a fellow robot.
I'm impressed. I mean this guy can really hold his human waist.
I'm like yours truly Seriously, this toilet is so sophisticated It actually encases your poop in plastic wrap and mails it to the homes of the poor so as to never soil the toilet And you know why it's called new me because it takes a DNA sample of you every time you use it So it can reconstruct you in case of accidental flushing death Honestly, my only concern with this thing is the very real possibility that the new me may become self-aware Sure, it's as we feared the new me have become sentient really the one we poop in I'm afraid so yeah damn it How are they with that are they not happy about it? Yeah? Well not happy now and the P The P the P2 the P2 they're really upset Fuck Well, that's it for this week, but before we go let's wear out that pun sensor with a little game I like to call Michael Swames patented zinger alert a segment featuring and created by myself Michael Swame copyright 2010 New me final resting place of the captain's log as featured in the film Starship poopers if you're constipated It plays shit Stukovich's Symphony number two the slow movement if you had bad Indian food last night It plays ring of fire and shows you episodes of sliders sure the iPad says flushing cycle initiated But how do I know this thing's not full of crap new me for 6k? It better blow me R. Kelly bought one second most expensive urination of his life You know it kind of looks like a scion except one's a box of crap and one's a new me now with Spermicidal radiation wand because I've always said the only thing my taint needs is creepy ambient under lighting At last a toilet that can handle as a mouse foundation trilogy That was a fun one. Thanks new me do I have to tip you your waist is all the things I need I accept it humbly Ha polite to thanks for watching gang. I've been your host droid Michael Swame and this has been does not compute say Good night clippy. Hey, I wonder if I got enough wind to play the tuba |
SaturdayNightLive | kate_mckinnon_and_billie_eilish_are_bringing_the_christmas_spirit_to_snl | Hey, I'm Kate Mckinnon, and I'm hosting Snl this week with musical guest Billie Eilish. I can't believe you're both here. I loved Oppenheimer. Oh, no, I think you're thinking of Barbie. No, you must have been an Oppenheimer, because you two are. da-bom! hold for that. Three, two, one. Okay. sometimes I worry these promos are too funny. Hi, I'm Kate Mckinnon, and I'm hosting Snl this week with musical guest Billie Eilish. There's something in the air this week. the Christmas Spirit? No, it's like a smell. Oh, yeah, I'm making roast beef sandwiches in my dressing room. Yeah, that's it. kinda stinks. Hi, I'm Kate Mckinnon, and I'm hosting Snl this week with musical guest Billie Eilish. |
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