section
stringclasses 14
values | filename
stringlengths 3
100
| text
stringlengths 77
235k
|
|---|---|---|
SaturdayNightLive | avatar_sex_gone_wild_snl | Okay, Jake. Nateria's chosen you, which means you will be the first human to ever have intimate contact with a Navi. this will give us invaluable insight into their mating rituals, so you have to remember everything. relax, Doc. I know the drill. do you? Well, you better because this is important. Easy, Spellman. Sorry, Jake. you're my best friend. I won't be a prom anymore. good luck, Jake. Jake Sully, I have to tell you something. What's that? I have chosen the one I want to be with. so have I. I choose you. and I choose you, Nateria. the mating ritual has begun. let's get back to work.
Colonel Quarters' plan is worse than I thought. in order to get to the reserves of unobtainium, he's going to bulldoze the Tree of Voices. The Tree of Voices? But that's the center of Pandora's biobotanical neural network.
I know. the Navi would sooner die than see it destroyed. Oh, watch it there. let me show you how the Navi do it.
Okay. maybe Jake could convince the Almatykaia to leave home tree. then they might be spared. the Almatykaia would never leave. his heart rate's going crazy. unplug the chamber. Jake, what's going on? are you okay? no, no, no. let me go back. let me go back. are you sure? what's it like? it's like revenge sex with a Puma. club me back in. club me back in for science, for science. come on, come on, come on, come on. Jake! Jake! don't worry. don't worry. I'm back.
Whoa. wow. that was some crazy stuff. where'd you learn that stuff? college. So, should we go for a fly or something? no. we're not done, Dreamwalker. Oh, cool. are you going to have a snack? no. there's something I've always wanted to try. Okay. whoa. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. they're going to selfish. I'm sick of them pissing on us. without even the courtesy of calling it rain. Did you hear that? it's probably Colonel Quarich and his goon squad. What do we do? we need to get out of here. Whoa. what about Jake? leave him for now. he's having plenty of fun. you're one lucky guy, Jake Sully. |
cracked | 5_things_you_believe_about_voting_that_are_statistically_bs | Hi, I'm crack senior editor Josh Sargent and we're recording this video right in the worst part of the worst election ever if any of You are watching from the future and have access to time travel. Please come save me. I don't want to be here anymore No Yes, I think We're getting any weird feedback in the microphone.
That was worth a shot Anyway, a lot of the most common complaints about our political process actually aren't true So I'm going to go through some of these misconceptions and hopefully at some point get rescued by time travelers fingers crossed I know how to do basic math So I know that it feels like your vote is picking the next president the same way calling customer service will get your internet working It's worse if you don't even live in a swing state if you're all but guaranteed to go one direction Your vote is either a trendy act of defiance or a victory lap. There's even a philosophical term for this It's called the paradox of voting and it says that for the rational voter the pain in the ass of going to the voting booth Always outweighs the potential benefits philosophers literally don't know why anyone votes But take that with a grain of salt because there's another paradox of voting that means something completely different So it's possible philosophers just aren't very smart because in the real world Voting totally matters and not just in that everyone should do their part every vote is a special snowflake way It turns out politicians actually pay attention to who votes and tend to change their policies accordingly Nowhere is this clearer in American history than in the years following the voting rights act of 1965 Which removed racist anti-voting requirements like this Louisiana literacy test which denied black citizens the right to vote unless they can do things like Print the word vote upside down but in the correct order and whatever the hell these words mean When the VRA was found unconstitutional black communities all through the south started voting and immediately got more attention from their local elected officials In the form of basic road repairs and working streetlights, but it doesn't always take a piece of legislation It turns out that a more active voting population is just better represented after studying 30 years of voter participation in state legislation Analysts found that when a bigger percentage of poor people vote those communities also have a higher minimum wage Strictor predatory lending laws better health care and in general more policies that benefit people with low income Not because poor voters are always getting the candidate they want but because the candidate that does win Wants to keep as many of their voters happy as possible so they can keep having a job It's kind of like how if you have one friend who always wants to go to a strip club even though Nobody else wants to go to a strip club You're eventually gonna go to a strip club just to shut them up hang out in a strip club even though you don't want to be There is democracy at its best All politicians lie is one of the few things that every voter knows and their heart is true Think of all the famous lies. We were told that Guantanamo Bay would close that's still open bushes Lies got us into a war in the Middle East Clinton's presidency was basically an eight-year clandestine fest This is why we need a political outsider like Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders, but Bernie Sanders dropped out So Donald Trump well if you're writing off the entire process because you assume everybody is lying to you math Just isn't on your side I mean sure Obama's famous for lying about Gitmo and Bush's lies got so bad that Green Day named an album after him But if you look at the big picture Politicians are actually fairly honest like it feels weird to say that like I'm selling out But according to several studies over the past forever Politicians try and keep an average between two-thirds and three-quarters of their campaign promises 538 even put together a handy graph on the subject I like graphs, but I also understand the numbers are boring so let's focus on our most recent president according to the PolitiFact Truth-O-Meter President Obama has kept 45% of his promises and compromised on 25% while outright breaking 22% 6% are as of right now not yet in the works, but overall that means he's been about 70% honest so the graph was right a hundred percent of the time now Let me be clear calling out when politicians lie is rad and nobody should get extra credit just for keeping their word But if you say that your political opinions are based on the idea that all politicians lie all the time That just means you were too lazy to make a graph American voting participation is bad according to a poo study of voter turnout and developed nations We ranked about here why just a millennial thing no it turns out that there's a ton of very obvious things that affect voter turnout For one thing the nations with the highest voter turnout Belgium and Turkey have compulsory voting other countries like Sweden and Germany Automatically register you to vote when you're eligible unlike the US which makes you register yourself the UK doesn't register you Automatically, but I hear they harass you into doing it ask the UK people in the comment sections I don't really know what I do know is that the US is one of the few countries that Insists on holding its elections on a work day on Tuesday Israel and South Korea hold their elections during the week too But they also make that day a holiday meanwhile Belgium Sweden Denmark Iceland New Zealand and most the other countries that beat us in the Pooh graph hold their elections on the weekend when no one has to be at work So fear people have to make a decision between voting and fucking eating So why does America do this in the first place? Well, it's for farmers in the bad old days It would take a whole day for farmers to travel from towns to vote and they couldn't travel on Sunday because of God So it had to be Tuesday. So I mean, yeah, we can't change that by the way This is probably why voter turnout in the US Overwhelmingly favors the rich rich people can just pop out of the office in their helicopter to vote or send their ballots do it for them I don't know. It's not my job to know how rich people live An election is important both for the future of the country and for future Facebook bloating So is it that crazy to imagine someone sneaking in there to ruin everything of voter fraud? Doesn't it make perfect sense that 34 states have laws requiring voter identification at the polls despite the fact 11% of Americans Don't have any form of photo ID and isn't that a worthy price to pay for a fair election? No, because voter fraud never happens in 2012 There's about one case of voter fraud per 15 million votes and of the 1 billion votes cast between 2000 and 2014 There are only 31 possible cases of fraudulent voting possible Remember most people don't think their vote matters. So trying to commit voting fraud It's sort of like campaigning for your third party candidate to a pack of wolves Very dangerous and unlikely to make a difference for several reasons That's not to say that voter fraud doesn't exist Just that it's not the kind of thing you can stop by making it harder for citizens to vote The real danger is actually the opposite like that time in 2000 in Florida when they threw out 50,000 votes from people who had the same name and birthday as convicted felons in other states without even bothering to check that They were indeed the same person Oh, and the company that compiled this list, DBT, was paid 4.3 million dollars to replace a firm that charged 5,700 per year to do the same thing Because the latter firm was not preventing enough people from voting Oh, and right before the Florida Secretary of State threw out all those votes DBT offered to cross check the names with address histories and financial records But the state of Florida told them not to bother Even though we now know for sure that a lot of those voters were in fact eligible Oh, and through sheer coincidence most of those people were black Oh, and whenever DBT is asked about this, they tend to run screaming from the interview I'm getting off topic Uh, go read this article, I should, I should finish my list Sure, there are tons of elections throughout the year But the presidency, that's, that's the big inch of water, right? It has to be, it's all anyone's talking about on Facebook But next time your city council member is up Your Facebook feed will just be sports, humblebrags, and memories from 10 years ago that Facebook thinks you want to be reminded of No, if you're politically savvy or have just been paying attention to the format of this video Then you can tell that that's not true Most of the things in your life that you deal with every day aren't going to be affected by the presidency As much as they are by your local elected officials Worried about crime? You can vote for your sheriff You ride your bike to work, you can find a city council member who wants to make better bike lanes and vote for them And though there's a federal minimum wage Your state minimum wage is probably the one that's more relevant to your life The point is, if you're only freaking out about important issues during an election year You're kind of a political poser Like Green Day So unless you want to be an American idiot I am, no, I am not doing that joke So if you want to stay knowledgeable about politics and keep your outrage at a healthy simmer no matter what year it is And some things you can do to keep a track of things are Download the Congress app for your smartphone Visit Project VoteSmart at votesmart.com Or, I mean, those are just the first two things that came up when I Googled this I wasn't going to look more into it because it's boring It's really boring All the things that make America great are really boring But we have to do them anyway So, how's it looking on those time travelers? Are we, uh, nope? Alright, I figured we wouldn't have the budget So end the video, I guess Hey, thanks for watching our video Please like and subscribe And if you want to vote in your upcoming election Scroll down to a different tab and do the research yourself Because I'm not I researched this video Put your own weight |
Wizards_with_Guns | megachurch_pastors_try_to_predict_the_apocalypse | The end is nigh! For you, Bill Nye! Your science can't save you now!
Bill!
No, no folks. We don't want to alarm anyone. No need to cause a panic.
But soon you'll be hogtied and spit-roasted at Lucifer's luau while his hellhounds play with their new chew toy. Your children. Now, how do we know the end times hath bepond us?
Well, last weekend when I was whipped in the head by a cowboy at our fall festival, I had a vision from the Lord. And miraculously, I had the exact same vision moments later as I was pushed from the peak of our fall festival ferris wheel by a cowboy. And as soon as police shot and killed the rogue cowboy who besieged our fall festival, we immediately ran to our secret bunker to broadcast our message and save as many souls as possible.
That's right. Every purchase comes with a free Jesus for Jesus Bible. The word rewritten by your very own pastor Titus and I. Now don't worry, we didn't make a whole lot of changes. We just made sure to confirm that Jesus' birthday is on December 25th. Finally. And we did add a few extra books as well. I mean, not gonna lie, this is basically just the Old Testament with a couple chapters from Narnia sprinkled in for flavor. This is free for $100. Chapter 5, Jesus Clapped.
This is what the book of Revelation says will happen in the final days to come. Stars will fall from the heavens. The oceans will turn to blood. All the world's yogurt will boil.
What's interesting to me is the Bible has no physical description of the devil, so he could look like just about anyone. He could look like you or even me. No. I know what he looks like. I seen the devil. What? That's right. Saw him in a Cracker Barrel parking lot. Well, what did he look like?
Wait, is it scary? Don't tell me if it's scary.
Well, to start, the devil has the hooves of a goat. Good Lord. And the horns of a ram. Oh my. And the body of a goat. Oh, okay. And the face of sort of a, uh, sheep. Alright. So he kind of just looks like this.
Drew this in my sleep. No, no. My daughter, I have a daughter, died.
Ruby, what? I don't know.
Intrusive thought, you know. I just did it. The demons, the demons, they got to be. They got to be. Of all the worst time. Ruby, that thing is alive, so just do not let go. Yeah, no shit. I think there's a passage in here somewhere about this. Maybe. Okay. Do we have a lion, a witch, or a wardrobe? God, just grab this from me before I make this worse. Fine. I grabbed it by the pen. I know, I was there. Daniel! Do we have any soap? Well, Titus, since I am destined to perish, I must confess my sins so I may be pure when I stand completely nude before the flaming eye of God. I believe I have a certain something to get off my chest as well. I think we both know what you're talking about. Yep. So let's just both say it on the count of two. One, two, every once in a while I pee in the baptism pool right before I dunk people under.
What? Huh?
You said you stole money from the church? That is disgusting. That puts a bad taste in my mouth. Golden baptism. Titus!
I know Shaq. I met Shaq. I baptized his baby. I accidentally held him a little too long underwater. Beautiful black baby, but Shaq, he was mad. Hit me right in the sports center. Saw the whole thing. It was like David and Goliath, except if Goliath slam dunked David. Shaq folded me in half.
Jeez. That was dark. Alright, my turn. Grenade of truth. Careful. I got it.
Every time I pray, I just think about football. What? Really? Yeah, not even the sport.
Just like the shape of the ball. The color. Okay, now you.
I mean, there's really nothing left except this mic cord running up my pant leg is actually a catheter. I just don't like getting up to pee during these long ass shoots. Uh, Titus, my cord is also a catheter.
Oh, you're kidding me. Great minds, I guess. I mean, what are the odds we have the exact same idea? Shaq folded me in half.
Praise God. I did hold the baby a little too long under the water. Now we've procured a list of people who will not be raptured into heaven.
Rondold McDonald. Rondold McDonald and his hamburger grimace.
Stop. |
cracked | 9_murders_to_keep_you_up_at_night_with_my_favorite_murder_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Cracked. Can you see me? My name is Jack, I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked. This is Daniel, the head of video at Cracked. And joining us, the hosts of one of my favorite podcasts, Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark of My Favorite Murders!
Hi. Hi, everybody. Hey, guys. Welcome, you guys.
A few of you have heard me. A few of you have heard the show, it seems like, maybe. So since the last time we talked, you guys have become the biggest podcast ever in the history of anything.
Thanks to you guys. Yeah, you made us, Jack. You made us.
I know. Yeah. That's what I was getting at.
So you guys were on the podcast before, and after that, Murders didn't stop. Was our stated goal. Yeah, I thought that was the intention. We did our best.
So I haven't talked to you guys in a year, so I wanted to catch you up on some of the Murders that I've been dying to tell you about. And Dan has a hometown murder that he wants to talk about.
Good. What a weird thing to applaud. My favorite thing, maybe, ever on any podcast was the remix that that guy made for you guys when it's Karen announcing John Wayne Gacy. And the crowd just fucking nuts. They went insane. That was so good. Yeah. That was beautiful. Yeah. So I expect to have a lot of really bizarre applause. Uh, bricks. Yeah, it sounds like you guys probably have the best fans on the planet. Like your podcast opened. That's pretty crazy.
They opened with, look at these fine soaps that our fans have made us. All these gifts that you get. And I wake up every morning to just dog shit comments about how I need to stop tweeting about Gilmore Girls.
No creep. We had no, like, barely any creep so far.
Yeah. It's amazing. Creep factor's very low. Yeah. And if they are creeps, still, they do a lot of needle point that's awesome. So yeah. We don't mind. It's like... Creepy needle point? Yeah. We kind of like it. That's like the Venn diagram. It's like creeps always with the needle point. Yeah. I could jump into some Murders if you want. Yeah.
You want to talk some Murders, Dan? I'm not sure if you guys have covered this, but there was a fellow from Monmouth County, New Jersey. Two from my home county of Monmouth County, New Jersey that were serial killers roughly at the exact same time. And one of them, Richard Beegenwald, otherwise known as the Thrill Killer.
He was a really strange case. It's one of those, like, tragic cases where he had, like, an abusive and an alcoholic father. So this is... You see it as a kid who, like, almost never had a chance because childhood was so rough for him. At five, he tried to burn his house down. At 11, he set fire to himself and was just, like, pushed around from...
This is a school for bad boys, and this is another school for bad boys, and we're trying everything. He did his first murder in Bayonne, New Jersey, in 1958, and got life in prison, but was released in 17 years for good behavior. And then he murdered eight more people.
Yeah. Jesus Christ.
And it's such a strange... It's very strange and bizarre to me because there's no rhyme or reason to it.
Not that I want, like, to understand. A theme? Like, yeah, I don't need a theme or anything like that. But it's not like, oh, I like a theme to know who needs to look out, I guess.
This person is targeting 19-year-olds who like Chuck E. Cheese, so don't be that. He was just... There was no rhyme or reason to it. He was just shooting people and, like, burying and hiding their bodies, and it ran the spectrum of age and gender, and there was never, like, sexual assault involved. It was just a guy who liked doing this and seemed to think he was good at it. And the reason he got caught is because he kept, like, bringing people to his house and, like, look at those bones. It's a person I killed.
Oh. That's a bad strategy. Yeah. I would say.
Do you find that that usually doesn't work out well for them? I don't... I wouldn't do it, is what I'm saying.
I feel like so many of these guys, so, like, you see maybe a quarter of them that, like, want to be caught. Like, there was a guy in Michigan who turned himself in and was like, please make... Like, please arrest me and make me stop doing this. I'm going to keep doing it. They don't want to do it, and they're just driven to.
And then you think about that guy, like, I don't know why he did it, and then you think about his day-to-day and, like, those boys' homes where he probably got beaten by the... Because, like, in the 50s, they were like, beat them, beat the terrible out of him, you know? And, like, molest the terrible out of him.
He had electroshock therapy. I don't... I don't want to put an immediate link between electroshock therapy and serial killers, but that was, like, another one of the things when you're between the ages of 2 and 13, and you're getting beaten and abused by alcoholic parents. And then electrocuted, it's like, all right, well, maybe I'm going to murder someone and show their bones to my friend. I don't...
But it's not even alcoholic parents. It's like parents.
Like, they were all like that, I feel like, back then. That's right. It wasn't considered alcohols in back then, it was just like, oh, that's how they spend their evenings. Yeah. And also, it's very disturbing that he, at such a young age, had a fire problem, because fire, as we all know, usually indicates molestation of some kind, or some... You know, it's... You know that? That's amazing. That is an amazing insult. We all know it. I missed that episode, s***. What is it like killing pets, wetting your bed... That's a killer s***, right? Yeah.
And fires. And arson, yes. Arson.
There we go. It's the trifecta that they...
They may have disproven it now, because we're in an age where everything gets disproven constantly, but that was, like, the trifecta of, like, I think it's the argument that some serial killers can be made, that it's, like, if they had a different upbringing, it may not have happened this way, which is especially because if that guy was just picking people off randomly, then it's that idea of, like, he wants to destroy and hurt in the same way he's been hurt, you know. I'm on his side. And yeah, the other one also from Monmouth County, this person actually killed someone that went to the same high school as me. Robert Zierinski lived 1940 to 2008 and started murdering people in, like, 1965. This guy did have a theme. This was 15 to 19-year-old women that he would murder and get rid of somewhere. There was a weird thing that I don't know if there's a precedent for this, but the murder of Rosemary Calandria Yellow...
That's probably wrong. Perfect pronunciation. You just gotta go for it.
In 1969, he was convicted of that murder. We've still never found a body at all. She just went missing, and eventually, like, he's come out and said, I buried her in Neptune, and she's also said, that was wrong. I threw her in the Atlantic Ocean. So we'll never find this body, but we definitely know that he murdered her, and he's a thing that my parents knew about, and, like, just emailing, do you know anything about Monmouth County serial killer? And they were just like, oh yeah, we were all pretty scared, because my mom was, like, a high school student around this time, just like, yeah, high school women in this area started disappearing, so we were all pretty freaked out by that.
What was he doing in that, did he live there, and he was just like... He lived there, yeah.
I mean, like, I don't, Monmouth County's a great place. Clearly. It's truly a tremendous place to raise kids.
We got rid of the two serial killers, so don't even worry about that. What's crazy to me about that is, like, the clandestine grave situation is, like, so out of control. The amount of places you can hide bodies, and then the amount of bodies that have been found and are not being linked up to missing persons, there are so many of them. It's so... And s*** is so, like, for the family, so frustrating and so tragic that either there will never be a body, or there will never be a killer. Well, there won't be prosecuted, because there's no body, and you only get one chance to try them. And if you only have circumstantial evidence, and you don't have a body that shows how they got murdered, you can't prove, like, any DNA, you can't prove that the person you're prosecuting is the killer unless you have f***ing strong witnesses and all this other stuff.
I think you're going to go to the Supreme Court with this double jeopardy s*** that you, like, really soon to have a f***ing double jeopardy, I love it. I'm going to sit home on that one and just be like, good luck, Georgia! Thank you!
This is a... by no means am I trying to make this a theory that sticks, but these two serial killers in this area, born in 1940, died 2008, both of them. Well, that's, you know, one of the first things we discovered when we started this podcast. There were two, if not three, freeway killers in Los Angeles in the 70s. Like when you start looking into stuff like this, like, oh, these are interesting cases or these... But then you start seeing this kind of, like, this is a thing that happens a lot. It might be happening less now, hopefully, because of DNA and stuff, but it's, especially back then, you uncovered that stuff and it's like, oh yeah, there was, there was, like, several serial killers in action at one time. And you hear about the famous ones, but you don't hear about the ones that are, like, killing disenfranchised people because nobody gives a s***. So when you look into it and there's three f***ing freeway killers, and you didn't know about it.
Yeah. Have you guys talked about the case of Jonathan Luna? I don't know anyone's name. Probably not. We don't remember. Oh, yeah.
So he's a 38-year-old father of two, assisting U.S. District Attorney in Baltimore. Really successful family man, by all accounts, the height of his professional and personal powers.
And on December 3rd, 2003, he left the courthouse where he worked at around 1130. And the next morning, he was found drowned in a shallow creek with his court ID still around his neck in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, which I just Google maps to that backstage. And that's, like, 80-something miles away. And they ruled it a suicide. He had been stabbed, like, 30-something times.
Oh, shit. Often in the back. Oh, no. Sorry.
What? Yeah, I don't know. Who ruled it a suicide? Which child? It was a puggle that was like, fuck, what was that?
And the more you read about it, the mortician was, like, it was definitely not a suicide. It was the worst murder I've ever seen. His hands were shredded. He had all these cuts all over his body. There was blood in the back seat of his car, so like...
And there was a guy back there, and I'm like, whoa, what's up? So all this weird stuff started coming out. He had dating profiles, even though he was supposedly this family man. And I know, right? So he deserved it? But he... So they know that he, like, left work on his own accord, and then, like, started driving all over the place and, like, making ATM withdrawals. Like, it seemingly... He was, like, zigzagging all over the tri-state area. They know where he, like, paid tolls, and he, like, paid in, like, multiple ways with, like, cash, then easy pass, then credit card. And even though he was stabbed 36 times with his own penknife, by the way, which is why apparently that's all the cops heard there, just like, oh, yeah, it must have been a suicide. It was his penknife. It was his.
Right. But his death was drowning, which is really weird, because when you look at the stream he was in, it was, like, the smallest stream you've ever seen. When you're a f***ing unconscious, laying face down in a puddle, because you've been stabbed 36 times. Yeah, I guess I'll forgive him for that. Is it cause of death or just the last thing that happened? Right. I mean, that's... Right. He got eaten by a coyote to death. Yeah, really.
But, like, there's footage of... There's footage of him, like, leaving.
He left his cell phone in his glasses, which he needed to drive. So it doesn't really make sense at all that he committed suicide, but it also doesn't make sense as a murder. There's a gas station attendant who saw him, like, filling up his tank, like, an hour before he supposedly got murdered by himself in his car, but, like, he wasn't, like, bipolar or schizophrenic. You put 11 bucks in when you're going to kill yourself? You don't fill up your f***ing glasses. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's what I was going to say, is also, what are you drawing money out of your bank for if you're going to kill yourself? And the money was all left in his car, just scattered around. Jack, did you bring this to us for us to solve here today? It sounds to me like he got killed.
Well, we're done. Thank you. Goodnight.
Have you guys talked about the Girl Scout murders? Well, we haven't, because there's so many. We've talked to each other about it.
So in late April of 1977, someone broke into the counselor's tent at Camp Scott for Girl Scouts in Oklahoma and stole all the donuts from their donut box. I mean, whatever happens next is justified. He replaced them with a creepy handwritten note, which made an ominous promise. Soon three girls there would be murdered. F***, I didn't know this part. The counselors brought the note to the director of the camp, who dismissed it as a morbid joke. There's always, like, some dumb asshole along the line who's just like, Ah, you kids.
Two months later, a new camp was starting up, and there was a massive thunderstorm, and the new arrivals all huddled in their tents. There were, like, these tents all over the ground. One of the tents, the Kiowa unit, was a bit further from the counselor's tent than the others, and three eight- to ten-year-old occupants were never seen alive again after they went inside of it. Counselor found one of the victims in the forest near the camp showers. The two others were found still in the tent. I won't go into the details, but they were all dead.
Sorry. They found, like, a footprint that was, like, a size nine shoe, and they said they had a fingerprint, and the cops immediately liked this guy, Gene Leroy Hart, because he had three names, and so they were like, I don't need to hear any more. And it's always the middle name, like Leroy, or Wayne, or... Lee is a bad one, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. Lee. That's my son's middle name. I'm so sorry.
So this guy was actually on the run, says he was at the house of a local medicine man, so I'm assuming he was a Native American fellow, and promptly acquitted for a number of reasons. It turns out his foot was a lot bigger than the tennis shoe they found on the scene or the tennis shoe print, and he had already been pinned for 308 year sentences worth of other assorted crimes, and then one year after landing in jail, he died of a heart attack at 36, but he left behind a letter that said in no uncertain terms that he was innocent of the Girl Scout murders, and that's really... So the thing you guys should know about, when we write about murders, they never get solved usually.
Right. We write about, like, really weird mysteries. You guys usually have, like, a resolution to yours. No, no, I read those late at night when you guys post those and then can't sleep all day. Right, the better version of the story is the Girl Scouts solved it themselves and took this guy down. That's right. They got the badge. And then they did the exact revenge. Yeah, right.
That'd be the good one. That one really bums me out, and, like, another reason I won't do ones like that is, like, there's nothing. There's no, like, it could be this guy or it could be this guy, and you're like, it's clearly that.
The couple who got shot with a shotgun on the beach in... Is it Northern California? Yeah, I think it was in Sierra Leone. Like, there's nothing, and it's such a f***ing bummer. Although they do think...
I think they linked it to Israel Keys, who was the guy that went around and randomly killed people. That was amazing. Yeah, he's unbelievable. That story was so f***ing crazy.
The craziest part was, I didn't get to the end. Like, I basically got to the... Oh, do it now.
Well, essentially, the girl he killed... The reason he got caught was the last girl he killed. That murder, in and of itself, would be an episode.
And I just didn't have time to tell that whole story. And what I wanted to do was just go through all of the things that he had done. Because this is basically a guy...
You guys probably know this already, but Israel Keys was a guy who lived in Alaska, and he basically traveled around the United States randomly killing people and preparing to randomly kill people by going places and burying kill kits in the forest so that they had money, they had masking tape. They had zip ties. All this stuff that so, if he ever got pulled over by a cop when he was driving around, there would be nothing about him that would be suspicious. And then he would go into the forest, unbury his kill kits, and then hang out by a trailhead. And sometimes he would do things like, if there was a group of people hiking, he would just pull the last person away. So they would truly just disappear.
Because he was, you know... No, I didn't know that. Yeah. That's like horror movies. I believe that he got caught. He did it through the 2000s, maybe 90s, 2000s. And he got caught, I'm gonna be wrong, but from what I remember, like 2011, and killed himself within a couple days of being caught. So they don't, from what he was telling them, there's possibly hundreds of unsolved murders across the country he could be responsible for. And he wouldn't, he only told them the ones that they knew for sure he did.
This is an insane thing for me to pull out, but my brain is broken, and I do things like this. But when I hear about a guy who lived in Alaska, buried a bunch of kill kits, and traveled all around the country murdering people for years, I... Are kill kits free?
What's his job? How is he affording any of this? You're making that sweet money. I don't understand. It's a great... I'm still in student loans yet. Are you planning this?
No, I'm just like...
An eerily practical question for today. I want to know how much you, what you do to get that disposable income for like different affairs for me. I'll tell you. Not murder. And also, what knots do you tie them up with? Yeah, yeah. I will tell you, and it's a red flag job as we all know, a contractor.
Contractors it's, they basically have reason to travel, and they're kind of handy, and they make good money, they can make good money and then just like kind of get out and leave and go somewhere else. Yeah, they have like months off of work. Yeah, it's kind of seasonal work depending and traveling is very standard.
So Dan's a man, as you see. I'm a boy. A little boy.
Would you say that you have more murderina fans or murderino fans? I want to couch this with a... I'm like doing the worst job. This is a question I've run by a lot of people because I don't know if it's sexist or not, and I'm really happy to learn that it is. To qualify this with, I have no agenda or theory behind this. I have noticed in my own personal, anecdotal, flawed experience, more of my female friends are interested in serial killers and murder than my male friends. And I have no like, aha, I'm not trying to trap anyone by like, yes, this stereotype that you've acknowledged in the world but have done no research in is true.
You can't trap anyone. You can't trap us. No.
I wanted to know if you've noticed it in your own experience, but I first came to your podcast not from dad over here because I don't listen to our podcast, but all of my close female friends were like, every single one of them recommended your podcast. And whenever I have someone who's a woman who's out of town and staying with me, they want to go to, they want to go to the museum of death. And like, I've got a lot of friends that I know who are strangers that was like, oh, Mickey, Elise, you guys can talk about serial killers because you're both interested in it. And it's not a thing I've observed with my male friends.
And I'm, I can, the body language is telling me this is a bad question. No, you're just ready to answer it because there's so many theories. We have so many theories. I could keep asking it for like 30 minutes. I just wanted a couple more qualifiers just to make sure.
Well, I know I have never heard the term murderina until we were in the green room because it's like, are you a female? I love these female comedians. It's not the same thing. Like it's not, there's just comedians and like murderinos are just murderinos. You have to be a murderina and give a whatever.
Who cares? I don't care.
It's also like, I think I have this anxiety of being murdered all the time where like, I'm fucking, I hate to be like this, but like women have 50% more fear. That's like legitimate of being killed all the time than men do. And so we're more aware of it and we're more interested in it and we want to know more about it and we want to like study it. Like very early on, young girls are trained to like, like, like here's your survival guard, survival guide, because you're going to go out there and like be polite, but everyone is monsters. So this is the way that you, here's the rule book on how to be a woman alone in public and all like the things that you need to look out for. And that sort of spirals into, uh, you're just still staying educated on serial killers and how to spot and avoid them.
I was born a straight white male, so my parents were like, there's the door, go outside. Everything's yours. It's fine. Have that rule book for me because life is imperfect.
Maybe it's also the thing of just that there's a wide scope. Uh, it's almost like opening up a whole new range of like the possibility of women. You know what I mean?
Where it's like, you wouldn't think that I remember when I very first checked out a book about Ted Bundy and got in trouble for it at my school and from my parents and them saying a nice little girl shouldn't want to know about this and the idea that it's like, okay, so you'll, it's fine if there's books about Frankenstein or, um, vampires or something like that, that's all fine. Um, because it's fictional, but if I want to know about a real monster that, and how he pretended to have a broken arm so he would get someone to help him to lure them to his car, that's bad. Like that, the idea of that just, it just really rung as bullsh** to me. Cause it was just kind of like, so I can be scared in the way that will never happen or ever apply to me, but this actually could happen. I mean, I, I don't, I didn't realize that at age 12, but I mean, it was that, that overall feeling of like people hide, uh, taboo things or inappropriate things, um, in society, we just are like, oh, that's not nice to talk about. And I think we're just coming into like a new age of like, you can actually kind of go, I am interested in it and not be like a creep or a goth or, you know, something like that. I do think it's, uh, cause I was real into murder as a kid as well. And, uh, uh, I think my, uh, I remember my parents kind of making it clear to me that that was creepy. Uh, and you don't want to be a creepy dude. So my theory heading in was the one you said that like guys don't really have the luxury to just like ignore murder and be like, ah, what's entertaining about that?
But I think, I think women in general tend to like be more realists and guys have the luxury to be more like idealistic and just head in the clouds because yeah, we're, we're not dodging murder. We can all picture ourselves being the girl who would help a dude with a broken arm because we're all that person for some reason, we're not supposed to understand why we shouldn't do that. So we, we identify with the woman who was like, okay, I'll help you.
I don't want to be rude.
Yeah. And so, you know, like we see that in ourselves when we read about it and we see like this woman who was going to college to be a, you know, a lawyer and she met this terrible person. And it just, it just like, I think it hits us a little harder because we can identify with her so much. Yeah, totally.
All right. The only lessons my parents had for me growing up was like, all right, go out in the world. Don't murder anyone. And I'm like, good.
No, but before I go, how much are kill kits? Because kill kits, it's such a seller's market.
Let's get into numbers. Thank you guys so much for coming. Please give it up for Jordan, Karen, Daniel O'Brien. Thank you guys for coming out. Hey everybody.
Thanks for watching whatever video that was. Make sure to like it with a button and subscribe to our channel. And normally I do like, like a bit or like a joke or something like here. But instead, watch out for all these marbles.
It was the guy that went around and randomly killed people. That was amazing. Yeah, he's unbelievable. That story was so crazy.
And the craziest part was I didn't get to the end. Like I basically got to them. Do it now. Well, essentially the girl he killed, the reason he got caught was the last girl he killed. That murder in and of itself would be an episode. And I just didn't have time to tell that whole story. And what I wanted to do is just go through all of the things that he had done.
Cause this is basically a guy, you guys probably know this already, but Israel Keys was a guy who lived in Alaska. And he basically traveled around the United States randomly killing people and preparing to randomly kill people by going places and burying kill kits in the forest so that they had money. They had masking tape. They had zip ties, all this stuff that. So if he ever got pulled over by a cop when he was driving around, there would be nothing about him that would be suspicious. And then he would go into the forest, unbury his kill kits and then hang out like by a trailhead. And sometimes he would do things like if there was a group of people hiking, he would just pull the last person away. So they would like truly just disappear.
Cause he was, you know, I didn't know that. Yeah, I believe that he got caught. Like he did it through the 2000s, maybe 90s to 2000s. And he got caught. I'm, I'm going to be wrong, but like from what I remember, like 2011 and killed himself, like within a couple of days of being caught. So they don't, from what he was telling them, he, there's possibly like hundreds of unsolved murders across the country. He could be responsible for, and he wouldn't, he only told them the ones that they knew, they knew for sure he did.
This is an insane thing for me to pull out, but my brain is broken. And I do things like this, but when I hear about a guy who lived in Alaska, buried a bunch of kill kits and traveled all around the country, murdering people for years. I, are kill kits free?
What's his job? How is he affording any of this? You're making that sweet money. I don't understand. I'm still in student loan debt.
Are you planning this? No, I'm just like, like an eerily practical question for me. I want to know how much you, what you do to get that disposable income for like different affairs for me, not murder. And also what knots do you tie them up with?
I will tell you, and it's the red flag job, as we all know, a contractor, contractors, it's, um, they basically have reason to travel and they're kind of handy and they make good money. They can make good money and then just like kind of get out and leave and go somewhere else. That seems to be what he did. Yeah, they have like months off of work. Yeah. It's kind of seasonal work depending and traveling is very standard.
So Dan's a man, as you see, and I'm a boy, a little boy. Would you say that you have more murderina fans or murderino fans? Yeah. I want to couch this with a, I'm like doing the worst job. This is a question I've run by a lot of people because I don't know if it's, if it's, uh, sexist or not. And I'm, I'm really happy to learn that it is. And, um, to qualify this with, I have no agenda or theory behind this. I have noticed in my own personal anecdotal flawed experience, more of my female friends are interested in serial killers and murder than my male friends.
And I, I have no like, aha, I'm not trying to trap anyone by like, yes, this stereotype that you've acknowledged in the world, but I've done no research in is true. I'm not like, you can't, you can't trap anyone. You can't trap. You can't trap us.
No, I wanted to know if, if you've noticed it in your own, if in your own experience, but it's, oh, it's, it's, uh, I first came to your podcast, not from, uh, dad over here. Cause I don't listen to our podcast, but all of my, my, uh, close female friends were like every single one of them recommended your podcast. And whenever I have someone who's a woman who is out of town and staying with me, they want to go to, they want to go to the museum of death and, and, and like, I've, I've got a lot of friends that I know who are strangers that was like, oh, Mickey, Elise, you guys can talk about serial killers because you're both interested in it. And it's not a thing I've observed with my male friends.
And, uh, I'm, I can, the body language is telling me this is a bad question. No, you're just ready to answer it. Cause there's so many barriers. I could keep asking it for like 30 minutes. I just wanted a couple more qualifiers on just to make sure.
Well, I'm no, I have never heard the term murderina until we were in the green room because it's like, are you female? I love these female comedians. It's not the same thing. Like it's not, there's just comedians and like murderinos are just murderinos. You want to be a murderina?
Whatever. Who cares? I don't care.
It's also like, I think I have this anxiety of being murdered all the time. We're like, I'm fucking, I hate to be like this, but like women have 50% more fear. That's like legitimate of being killed all the time than men do.
And so we're more aware of it and we're more interested in it. And we want to know more about it. And we want to like study it.
Like very early on, young girls are trained to like, like, like, here's your survival guard, survival guide, because you're going to go out there and like be polite, but everyone is monsters. So this is the way that you, here's the rule book on how to be a woman alone in public and all like the things that you need to look out for. And that sort of spirals into, you're just still staying educated on serial killers and how to spot and avoid them.
I was born a straight white male. So my parents were like, there's the door.
Go outside. Everything's yours. It's fine. Have that rule book for me because life is imperfect.
Maybe it's also the thing of just that there's a wide scope. It's almost like opening up a whole new range of like the possibility of women, you know what I mean?
Where it's like, you wouldn't think that I remember when I very first checked out a book about Ted Bundy and got in trouble for it at my school and from my parents and them saying a nice little girl shouldn't want to know about this and the idea that it's like, okay, so you'll, it's fine. If there's books about Frankenstein or vampires or something like that, that's all fine because it's fictional. But if I want to know about a real monster that, and how he pretended to have a broken arm so he would get someone to help him to lure them to his car, that's bad. Like that, the idea of that just really wrung his bullsh** to me because it was just kind of like, so I can be scared in the way that will never happen or ever apply to me, but this actually could happen. I mean, I didn't realize that at age 12, but I mean, it was that overall feeling of like people hide taboo things or inappropriate things in society. We just are like, oh, that's not nice to talk about. And I think we're just coming into like a new age of like, you can actually kind of go, I am interested in it and not be like a creep or a goth or, you know, something like that. I do think it's because I was real into murder as a kid as well. And I think my, I remember my parents kind of making it clear to me that that was creepy and you don't want to be a creepy dude.
So my theory heading in was the one you said that like guys don't really have the luxury to just like ignore murder and be like, ah, what's entertaining about that? But I think women in general tend to like be more realists and guys have the luxury to be more like idealistic and just head in the clouds because, yeah, we're we're not dodging murders. We can all picture ourselves being the girl who would help a dude with a broken arm because we're all that person. For some reason, we're not supposed to understand why we shouldn't do that. So we we identify with the woman who was like, OK, I'll help you.
I don't want to be rude.
Yeah. And so, you know, like we see that in ourselves when we read about it and we see like this woman who was going to college to be, you know, a lawyer and she met this terrible person. And it just it's just like I think it hits us a little harder because we can identify with her so much. Yeah, totally.
The only lessons my parents had for me growing up was like, all right, go out of the world. Don't murder anyone.
And I'm like, good. No. And like, have you?
But before I go, how much are Killkits? Because Killkits, it's such a seller's market right now. Let's get into numbers.
Thank you guys so much for coming. Please give it up for Jordan and Karen, Daniel O'Brien. Thank you guys for coming out. Hey, everybody. Thanks for watching whatever video that was. Make sure to like it with a button and subscribe to our channel.
And normally I do like like a bit or like a joke or something like here. But instead, watch out for all these marbles. |
cracked | why_did_so_many_90s_kids_cartoons_feature_edgy_adult_comedians | Ah, the early 90s! What a time to be alive! We had the hottest Lisa Frank folders, we were young parents to our digital Tamagotchis, and we spent Saturday mornings watching kids cartoons starring our parents' favorite stand-up comedians.
Wait a minute. What? Miss Dal Dal Dal. Under the microscope. That's right.
With the early 90s came the bizarre fad of famous stand-up comedians who weren't necessarily kid-friendly, getting greenlit for their very own Saturday morning cartoons. Unlike classic adult-oriented cartoons like The Simpsons, King of the Hill, or Beavis and Butthead, these cartoons were actually for children, despite starring a plethora of stand-up comedians like Howie Mendel, John Candy, Damon Wayne, and the now quite problematic Rose M. Barr and Bill Cosby. Oops. Virtually every future kids cartoon based on stand-up comedians' real lives was almost certainly inspired by Bill Cosby's Fat Albert.
Don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger. It's true.
Fat Albert first aired in the 70s, lasted well into the 80s, and followed a group of kids living in an inner-city neighborhood in northern Philadelphia. The show's host, Bill, was loosely based on Cosby's teenage self. The show also incorporated Cosby through live-action openings of him singing and playing along to the theme song, and sometimes introducing episodes with small bits of dialogue. The show used the light-hearted and earnest friendships of the kids to teach various lessons about serious topics, including poverty, racism, and child abuse.
He probably should have had more segments on how not to drug people.
Simple, huh?
And so tons of shows ripped off the Fat Albert style of storytelling, using comedians' direct memories or point of view to create a children's show tied to their own experiences. Let me try to timeline them for you. In 1988, three years after Fat Albert debuted its finale, the completely mental misadventures of Ed Grimley hit the air. It's this wild spin-off of Martin Short's famous SNL character, and while it wasn't specifically for kids, the partially animated aspect attracted young viewers. This is also one of the few instances where the character isn't directly based on the comedian's actual persona, unless Martin Short really did use his love of Wheel of Fortune to stop a guy from committing suicide. Then in 1989, John Candy, who, admittedly like Short, is not a stand-up but more of a character actor, comes out with his animated children's television show called Camp Candy, which sounds like a true crime series about a place where strange men in big white bands might offer to take your children, but really it's just about a children's summer camp run by a cartoon version of Candy himself teaching educational segments on ecology and nature and bobsledding. Okay, probably not, but it would be fun. In 1990, comedian Howie Mendell created a show for Fox Kids called Bobby's World about a little boy with a wildly vivid imagination that invaded his everyday life and got him into trouble with his parents and the adults who didn't understand him. While Bobby isn't necessarily based off of Mendell, the show began and ended with live-action segments of Mendell relating the show's theme to his everyday life. Like how Howie's crazy imagination once got him into trouble by causing him to think about signing his entire life away to freakin' Deal or No Deal. That same year, Rick Moranis debuted his children's cartoon Gravedale High short for Rick Moranis and Gravedale High, produced by NBC.
The show is about a teacher, Max Schneider, who takes a job teaching math as the only human in a high school filled with children monsters. I'm talking actual children monsters, not just regular children who act like monsters, like monster children who are indeed monster children and act like monster children and are also the last generation of movie monsters' children. Whatever, you get it, okay? I'm scared of children. All children, to me, are monsters.
It is unclear why the official title has Moranis' name in it as he's not really a central figure of the show, as himself at least. He voiced a Schneider. But it seems like his name being attached to it is what got the show greenlit in the first place. Plus that sweet, nerdy singing voice.
Suddenly Seymour. Ugh. I can't get enough.
Also, in 1990, we got Little Rosie, a show starring a little innocent and I guess less terrifying version of Roseanne. The show followed a little girl who overcame daily obstacles of being a kid through using her imagination along with her sister and best friend. Thankfully, it was more closely aligned with Roseanne's Don't Mess With Me comedic material rather than her, um, modern day, uh...
What were you thinking when you said that? In 1995, Louis Anderson created a show called Life With Louis on Fox Kids about the comedian's life growing up in the Midwest. The show depicts him as a young, impressionable and intelligent young boy who uses his humor to cope with difficult situations like having to live in the Midwest and, um, owning dogs. I think. In 1998, the show Wayne Head was released. It followed a young boy with a club foot growing up in the struggling neighborhood in Chelsea, New York.
While loosely based on Damon's life, the main character's name is so dramatically altered, you would never know. See, his real name is Damon. But the boy's name is Day-me. And Damon's last name is Wayne. But Day-me's last name is Wayne Head.
He had us all fooled for years.
I like the way you see my name. Then, in a surprise twist, in 1991, Rodney Dangerfield even had his own children's movie that he wrote and starred in called Rover Dangerfield, where he plays a dog you see what he did there, who had been abandoned in the Hoover Dam by his owner who was a showgirl. I love my life in Las Vegas. And the adventures he has trying to find success in the business himself. I'm on a farm. I think I'll change my name to Jethro.
Oh, my God. I hope that's not the end of Rover Dangerfield.
This wild fad of comics-making children's shows lasted well into the 90s, but why? Were they all insanely successful and made billions of dollars? Well, kind of. They had roughly a 50-50 success rate, with only a few lasting more than one season. Little Rosie only made it 13 episodes and culminated in an animated special called The Rosie and Buddy Show where the characters essentially complained about how the meddling executives constantly wanted to change their show.
Ah. I love tracking down the birth of resentment. It's important for healing. I mean, come on.
Were we wrong for not liking Roseanne but little? She wasn't necessarily written any more charming just because she was playing a younger version of herself. Even her food in her fridge was scared of her.
And that was written in. Wayne Head only lasted one season because according to Warner Brothers, the show wasn't black enough or funny enough, which is extremely icky to repeat out loud and understandably caused the public back and forth tiff between the Wayans and Warner Brothers, which eventually culminated in Warner admitting that they didn't get the ratings they were looking for. Just say that, Warner Brothers. I'm cringing for you.
Even Rick Moranis' show, Gravedale High, arguably the most on-brand comedian to get a children's show in the first place, only got 13 episodes. And yet, the thing is, we now know him as a kid-friendly comedian, but he got his start doing comedy hours on Canadian radio stations, eventually joining SCTV, where he was known for his impressions of Woody Allen, Merv Griffin, and more. However short-lived Gravedale High was, it was a clear launching pad for Moranis' successful career in later iconic roles in Ghostbusters and Honey I Shrunk the Kids and that min commercial after taking 20 years off.
So why?
This impossible miracle of modern television is basically the culmination of three things blowing up all at the same time. Stand-up comedy, cartoons, and shows based around individual comedians' personalities. In 1986, Ted Turner acquired most of MGM's company, including the cartoon library full of classics like Looney Tunes and Popeye. To get the most of their investment, in 1982 they decided to launch the first ever 24-7 Cartoon Network and they decided to call it the Cartoon Network. Good job guys, that makes sense. But 168 hours is a lot of hours and reruns get old quick, so they immediately had lots of open space for new programming. While many of these shows didn't start on Cartoon Network, many of the successful ones eventually moved there. So that's the business side.
The 80s particularly wasn't necessarily a golden age for animated series with most content aimed at children being glorified commercials for new toys. Then The Simpsons hit in 1987 alongside incredible animated movies made for children such as The Lamb Before Time and The American Tale that were massive successes. These proved the viability of animation and contributed to the spike in kid-centered animated series. All this went hand in hand with the golden age of stand-up comedy with comedian-centered sitcoms such as Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, Roseanne, Ellen, Gary Shandling Show, just to name a few, starting a TV trend of capitalizing off the comedian's individual brand, which might as well also be moved to the animated series. While it's not unusual these days to have comedians that are frequently featured as voices in cartoons and movies for children and adults alike, the fad of stand-up comedians creating their own cartoons for children seems to have died down. All we've basically got is a late, late 90s show by Cosby again. This time it was a fully animated series on Nick Jr. called Little Bill, aimed at even a younger audience than Fat Albert, the premise of Little Bill, which is based on a book series also written by Cosby Man. That guy was unfortunately prolific, centers on his son growing up and how he uses his imagination. Additionally, Amy Poehler created the cartoon The Mighty Bee for Nickelodeon that ran from 2008 to 2011 about the adventures of a little girl who is a honeybee scout on missions to receive every badge. Do you know any other children's shows made by comedians that weren't mentioned? Did you love watching these shows as a kid?
Let us know in the comments section below.
If I had a kid show, it'd probably be like, Melissa, Little Melissa's adventures of locking herself in her room and watching movies on her Hello Kitty TV because she doesn't really have a lot of friends. Little Melissa is scared at night of her dolls because they cast shadows onto her floor and she thinks that they're going to come alive and kill her and that witches exist. I also had a crucifix because my parents were Catholic and that scared me and when I watched The Exorcist when I was 13, I had to take it off my wall.
You'd watch a kid show on that, right? A kid show about Little Melissa getting her period for the first time in her cute new aero pastel white bathing suit with little hearts in it out in a pool party. We'd watch that, right kids? |
cracked | why_tarantino_films_take_place_in_the_same_insane_universe_after_hours | It depends on the movie. You need martial arts training for Kill Bill, but in Reservoir Dogs, you just need to be a law-abiding citizen. And steer clear of diamond shops. Is the point of death proof that they're all death proof? Because if so, I picked that one. No. No in all directions. It doesn't matter which movie it is, that's not the point of death proof. And I am going to finish that. I'm saying assuming that Quentin Tarantino's movies all take place in the same universe, and assuming that it's not just coincidence that all of his characters are related, and assuming that they all live in the same, crazy, hyper-violent world, I'm asking which one of us stands the best chance of survival?
I feel like you want us to say you. Katie, give in to that feeling.
Tarantino characters are related?
Daniel! What? Do the thing. Let's position them.
I'm sorry, are you actually going to eat those noodles? I can't focus on anything else if you're going to eat those noodles.
Okay. Mr. Blonde from Reservoir Dogs and John Travolta's character from Pulp Fiction are brothers. Lee Donowitz from True Romance is the son of Donny the Bear Jew from Inglourious Basterds, and in Django Unchained, they're chasing an outlaw who is a distant ancestor of Christopher Walken's character from Pulp Fiction, the one who shoves the watch-up his ass with, right? It's just I've seen him deliberately not wash his hands before, and I think you're taking it. Ooh! There's even that theory that all of his movies exist in an alternate timeline that split off of ours the moment that Hitler was gunned down by American soldiers.
I mean, that one change in history altered the culture and made everyone violence-obsessed. Well, more violence-obsessed.
And you think you'd stand the best chance of survival in that world. Everybody here who has fired a gun before, please raise your hand in a socially sanctioned context. Do you see this hand right here? This is my shooting hand.
I choose Daniel. Can you really see him disemboweling people with a katana? Maybe.
Don't do it. Oh, no!
I'm gonna wait just over here. Okay, who says he has to be a killer? He just has to survive, and if there's one thing that Tarantino loves more than murderers, it's a nerd with an encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture. That's true!
The whole top reservoir, dogs, is people sitting around a diner table just like this. Arguing just like us! We're the reservoir, dogs.
Tarantino can't help but put himself in every movie, and Dan is his ideal stand-in. A witty, somewhat balding, slightly neurotic know-it-all. He's just like Mr. Brown, deconstructing like a virgin or Vincent, talking about royales with cheese or bills, droning on and on about Superman. Yeah, droning on about Superman until his heart explodes. The gaping gun hole in your whole theory is that Quentin Tarantino is a self-loathing nerd. All those characters you just mentioned?
Dead by the end of the movie. Quentin Tarantino lets the pop culture geniuses survive just long enough to say something clever and then he buries them in a shallow grave. Or actually, probably a deep grave, because he doesn't want them punching their way out.
Yeah! The bride! Mmm, I choose Katie.
How come none of you are fighting for yourselves? You know, this is exactly the type of thing that would get you killed in a Tarantino movie.
Oh, thank God you're here. It's okay. She would survive because of her intelligence. Sorry, thank you. Okay, one more.
Her adaptability and her weaponized sexuality. Like Mia Wallace or Jackie Brown. No, hang on, there are just as many strong-willed women who die in those movies, if not more. Quentin Tarantino actually makes a point of killing a woman just about every single one of his movies. Yeah, the bride lives, but what about all the other snake ladies? Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.
Green over an E.C.E. and L. Driver. Right. It's good to have you back, Dan. Thanks. Sorry, the needles.
Also, the German actress and the French lady in The Glory's Bastards. Bridget von Hammersmark and Shoshana Dreyfus. And the woman who gets carjacked and shoots Mr. Boyer. Suzanne Celeste. Also known as Shot Woman, that's how she's credited. Hey, did you guys know that she was Tim Roth's die life coach?
Okay, overcorrecting. Just tell them who the obvious choice is. Got it. It's Michael.
Spit take a betrayal. He's been proving it this entire meal. The people who live in Tarantino movies are the ones who literally take food from others and enjoy it in front of them. Bill makes peanut butter and jelly for his daughter. Vincent and Mia Wallace share a sexy $5 milkshake. Django and King Schultz, they have beers together and they go over the plot of the movie. People eat together consensually. But when you take someone else's food, when you force that intimacy on someone without consent, that's, you're like some kind of, that makes you like a food rapist. Yeah, sure. Food is a standard for control. Gary Oldman, in fact, in True Romance, says it best when he says... If I ask you if you want some dinner and you're with everyone starting to try it out, I say to myself, this motherfucker, he's carrying on like he ain't got a camera in the world. And that's why they call me Scary Oldman. So anyone who's hungry is automatically powerful. No, no. The food itself is the power. The cereal box in which Rita Green hides her gun and kill Bill is called Kaboom. And it's the people who are willing to take that food. They're the winners. It's not just Tarantino taking food in any movie is shorthand for authority over that person. I drink your milkshake. Yeah, but that's how you survive in Tarantino world. You steal closeness from other people by forcing them into situations where they have to watch you eat their food. Jules does it with the big kahuna burger, and that basically gives him a bulletproof force field.
The Jew hunter drinks that French guy's milk at the beginning of Inglourious Bastards and he lives through the whole movie. Yeah, with a swastika carved into his forehead. Hey, but he lives and you didn't specify no swastises.
I didn't think I had to. God, I thought I had this one wrapped up. Hey guys, what kind of revenge wish fulfillment do you think that Tarantino's going to capitalize on next? Native Americans killing Andrew Jackson with a hickory switch. Oh, good one.
Everybody put in. It looks like we're short. No, we're just sitting down.
Um, seriously though, it's probably me. I don't tip. No, I don't. |
cracked | ninja_turtles_take_on_donald_trump_oprah_and_a_musical_extravaganza_canonball | I've never seen such tiny pizzas! This must be how that McDonald crump dude got to be a multi-bazillionaire.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I have fond memories of wearing my Michelangelo shirt to school, slurping down four turtle pies worth of puddin' power, tornado kicking off a launch table, and screaming surferlingo like a goddamn poser. Those are all symptoms of late-stage turtle mania, by the way. I could've died. The turtles have been a favorite of sticky-fingered latchkey kids for over three decades, but they actually started out as hard-boiled, brutal comic book assassins. Bad Dito, Bustin', Mike always fashes the bad guys. Old habits die hard, and every so often, they accidentally get back to their fucked-up roots. I'm talking about the cartoon villain who may have predicted the rise of fascism in America.
I don't want to get into it, but I lost my old lifeguard job and had to move back into my mom's place. Okay, it's not that I can't swim. I just think a please would be nice if you're asking me to swim out into a riptide.
We all got stuff going on. Anyway, it's no secret that a lot of Ninja Turtles canon exists, mainly to sell choking hazards to toddlers. The toy company Playmates is the whole reason the original animated series exists. So, the cartoons were just a slurry of colors and karate chops, designed to milk money out of confused and exhausted boomer parents, right?
I mean, just look at the bad guys! A blob of cheese named Pizza Face, a basketball-playing giraffe named Half Court, Donald goddamn Trump. Yeah, man, there were no less than four Ninja Turtles villains based on this fucking guy. Obama! The first Trump monster was Fenton Q. Hackenbrush, a shady real estate developer who enlists an army of blue-collar laborers and executive lackeys to go out and crime things up on his behalf.
Ooh, well, what crimes do you know? Eh, embezzlement? No. This episode is actually one big mutants-as-immigrants allegory. What are you, some kind of foreigner? As a matter of fact, I am.
Hackenbrush wants to turn public opinion against mutants, thereby harnessing grievance for personal gain. So, when he bumps into the angry and dimwitted slash, he gets right to work January 6th-ing him, convincing him to mount an attack on a symbol of democracy. The Freedom Bell. The city's most beloved landmark. Just go there and smash it, and smash everything you can on your way there. Now, this lumpy bag of ham is Donald J. Lofty, Hackenbrush's boss. When Hack fails in his attempt to fly garbage into outer space, Lofty very publicly threatens to beat his ass with a cane. He even coins Trump's signature phrase.
Person, woman, man, camera. Not that one, this one. Thank you. Have fun!
Fourteen years before The Apprentice aired, they also made him look awfully similar to this fucking guy. No, sorry, dude. I'm not up on my eccentric billionaires. That's Donald's father, Fred Trump. The man who handed him his career and, as Lofty did to Hackenbrush, castigated him for his failures while shielding him from any real consequences. Now, McDonald Crump is the fat-necked, over-tanned goofball ass-hat we all thought was Trump's final form in the 90s.
Crump licensed his name to a cheap pizza joint that the turtles fucking hate. I've never seen such tiny pizzas. Macincias chain of pizza farmers in the world. Ripoff City.
And is actually just a front to get people to go to his birthday party, which is like kind of the whole vibe of Mar-a-Lago. If McDonald Crump is the doofus who descended the Golden Escalator in 2015, this guy, A.J. Howard, is the maniac who actually became president.
It's no surprise that this dude also hates mutants, AKA immigrants. And why is business downward? Because this city is crawling with mutants. And it lists the help of a violent sociopath to clean up the city. Mutants are the problem.
A.J. Howard even convinces half the city to wear his fascist fashion accessory, a down-with-mutants bracelet that's just a slightly more on-the-nose MAGA hat. Having literally branded themselves, even his most casual supporters find that they're compelled to do his evil bidding. I must obey the will of A.J. Howard.
This episode came out in 1987, but let's not dwell on bummers. I promised to tell you about the time Rafael made a blowjob joke on daytime television. And I'm a man of my word. Oh, I've been trying to talk her into an interspecies relationship for months now.
If you're not familiar, Coming Out of Their Shells is a legitimately pretty rad rock opera, a live stage show that was performed all over the world. It's nearly 90 minutes of butt rock songs about surfing in doo-doo, the healing power of pizza, and skipping stones, punctuated by some A-plus crowd work from the guy in the shredder suit. Shut up, you imbecilic little buenoise! He is having the time of his life.
Is that your mom? How would you like a one-way ticket to my technodrome? To promote it, the guys who operated the turtles went on a media blitz, staying in character as they chatted with the likes of Oprah and Regis and Kathie Lee. Now, the characters were operated by a team of two people, one guy ad-libbing lions from backstage, and another guy in the suit, trying to anticipate what was being said. So when Oprah, in a room full of little kids, decided to ask, Is there anything like romantic or anything?
Just based on body language, I don't think the guy in the raft suit expected to hear this coming out of his own mouth. The biggest problem is she can't hold her breath long enough. To be fair, I'm not actually 100% sure whether that was an oral sex joke or a traditional sex joke. I'm sure DeviantArt could clear that up. The real victim here is poor April, the only party involved who had to suffer through that ordeal with a straight face. This franchise does have a complicated history with its Aprils, but that's a story for another day.
And the good thing about these guys is that they're not black or white, they're green. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a vintage 1991 turtle pie in the microwave that should be just about ready. Wow, that is not supposed to be crunchy. Anyway, thanks for watching this episode of the new cannonball. Hop in the comments and let me know if there's more sensual turtles cannon I should look into, or if you have any expired branded pastries you'd be willing to part with. |
TheOnion | Lawmaker_s_War_Hero_Son_Would_Have_Wanted_Road_Bill_Passed | A number of representatives have voiced their opposition to H.R. 8768, which would appropriate $200 million to my home state of Virginia for a toll road construction project. And as I sat listening to them, I couldn't help but think of the memory of my son, Army Private First Class James Whittle. James was killed in Iraq in 2003 while fighting for this nation's freedom. I know James would want me to fight to see this bill passed. James loved toll roads. He would have loved to see this one built, but he never will, because he died on a battlefield in Iraq nearly six years ago. Now, there has been some talk that this project is too expensive, mostly from representatives whose children are still alive. If they knew what it was like to lose the most precious thing they have in the world, those representatives would understand why this toll road is so very important.
I love my dead son. The only chance I get to hear his voice now is in my dreams, like the one I had last night.
I was driving down I-89 when I came to a toll booth, and in that toll booth was my son. He smiled and said, I'm so happy here in this toll booth. I'm so glad H.R. 8768 passed.
And I said, me too, son. As many of you know, I carry a piece of my son's bloodied uniform with me whenever I'm here at the Capitol. When I have it with me, I feel James' spirit and strength guiding me.
And so today I hear the argument that the toll road highway will be built through undeveloped land, promoting unchecked development and degrading the pristine environment in the area, and to that I say my son died in a war. I would also like to take this time to voice my strong approval for Rider 893A, which would allow for the construction of the private James Whittle Memorial Algonquin Indian Gaming Casino. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_14_dma_s_matt_mason | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
T's and C's apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners and welcome back to the Batooter Advocate News Hour with Clancy Overall and myself, Errol Parker. For those who don't call Batooter home, this should be episode number 14 of our podcast. Yes, welcome to another show where, as always, we will keep you up to date with the week that was in town and then we will shoot the shit with a guest.
This week we have a famous musician, a famous Australian musician who's been touring internationally. He's dropped by to have a chat. Yeah, he's here in the Koala Sofa Studios, one of our major sponsors here at Desert Rock FM. He's just walked in and speaking of koala sofas, you've been getting a fair use out of that couch you ordered last week when you got a bit too cheerful to drive home.
Me? Yep. Well, we're not going to go through this again, are we Errol? You've spent a couple nights on those couches, haven't you? Are they comfy? Yes, they go alright. Everything alright at home, big fella? It a bit of curry after your performance up, Dora?
Look, the pass was forward, Errol. It was the referee's game.
Let's get to the news. Alright, alright.
It's been a busy week here in town. Antonio Timpano, don't know if you know him, he's managed to get a block of apartments approved in the Flight Pass District, despite quite vocal opposition I've heard. The DA was approved with five of the eight councillors voting in favour of the development and some protesters at the meeting.
They got ejected from the hall by police.
Yes, Errol, I've heard a few of the apartments have already been allocated to some people around town. It's looking like some of our dedicated councillors might have some nest eggs lined up in their family members' names. Yeah, I think we should have the boys and girls up here from the Triple C to look over all the stuff that's happened. It does appear to me and to most of our staff here at The Advocate that it is quite blatant corruption and nepotism and all those spicy things you hear about from down south or out east way in Ipswich. Yes, yes, the Corruption Commission should be here any time now when they're finished up with Ipswich, I imagine. Well, they surely have their work cut out from out east Ipswich way.
Elsewhere around town, and there was another fight down at The Royal this week predictably, after a Bondi-based travelling elders rep got in a bit of a tussle, he got in over his head, a bit too big for his boots after the full-time siren there on Wednesday night. Yes, a blow-in from down south is wearing his New South Wales jersey. Obviously, that's what we expected from him, but he was turning it on a bit during the broadcast of the State of Origin much to the disapproval of some of the locals. Well, we aren't allowed to necessarily say he was asking for it, but if you ask me when the show's over, I'm not really sure what he was thinking going down there in a Blues jersey.
I mean, The Royal isn't exactly a family pub, you know, it isn't necessarily a gastropub. I mean, it's the type of pub you go looking for a stink in after the other one shut.
He also, apparently, we've called around and he called a dolphin's prop, which he should remain nameless. He called him a dumb redneck and told him to do something unsavoury after that final try was scored.
Yes, the cops were called the establishment after the Blue, but after being informed of the story and how it went down, they told the New South Wales fan there wasn't really enough evidence to bring a case, despite the 4X gold decal that was lodged into his skull. Well, a few witnesses actually told me the next day that they would be willing to go on the record stating that the Sydneyside did throw the first punch. That also doesn't surprise me.
And elsewhere in town, they are still protesting about these new towers, aren't they, Errol? Yeah, they are. So some of the more spiritual residents of town have been protesting about the new telephone towers going up outside the golf course estate. Nearly 20 of them, last count. I think they're still chained to the trees opposite the site.
It's all about radiation, they tell us. The new towers, while providing reception to a fair few people in the shy, will also emit electric and magnetic fields, which, depending on who you ask, can cause a whole range of deadly diseases. Yes, that's very much dependent on who you ask, if you ask me.
I'll just say that they're very, very, very, very lucky that this still isn't Sir Joe's Queensland. They certainly are. There's some old hippies up there in Townsville who can confirm that.
But that's about it this week for the notable local news. Let's get into our chit chat with the guest.
He's from one of the biggest bands in the country right now. He plays a range of instruments. He's a songwriter.
You might remember a few of their songs from the airwaves across the country. You might have seen them live. Today's guest hails from the Australian rock band the DMAs. You might remember a few of these songs.
Yeah, today we are joined by Matt Mason of DMAs fame. He's come a long way. He's just passing through town on his way up north. He's got a few shows coming up overseas in the UK, a couple across Europe, and he's just walking through the door now. Well, here we are with Matt Mason.
What would you say your job title is? You're a member of the DMAs. Would you say founding member, guitarist, lead? How do you describe yourself? No, I wouldn't say founding member because I was asked to be in the band once they were already sort of writing songs and putting out videos.
But yeah, I'd be lead guitarist. Yeah. So yeah, I'll help out with songwriting. Yeah. So there's two guitarists, is there? There's four if you count bass guitar. Yeah.
And yeah, I do most of the lead parts, yeah. Well, thanks for joining us on the Batutah Advocate podcast and on the Desert Rock FM radio show with Clancy and Errol. We are talking to Matt Mason. Mace, tell us, what is the business structure of the DMAs? Because there seems to be like management roles and there's three up front.
Oh, I see. Yeah. So there's three of us making all the big decisions. Yep. And then there's three hide guns. Right.
And they pretty much have been the same for the last couple of years, or? We've had, well, I feel I've always said that if you want to get the best, you're going to have guys who are going to want to go off and do their own thing, you know? You want someone to just stick around and play with you for years and years, they probably have no drive. They're probably not the best, you know?
Yeah. So we've had guys going, I'll play with you for a couple of years, and then I'm out, I've got to go do my own thing, which I completely understand. So it's kind of like the Ramones. No, they aren't really actually brothers, you know? They're all, you know, just... Us? Yeah. Okay. Well, none of us are actually, I don't, the name DMAs has been, none of us are actually a DMA either. Yeah. So how did you get the name or how'd you come up with it? It was our manager's idea. Yeah.
Wasn't the best idea and I should have learned from that. You know, he doesn't always make the best decisions.
Does it stand for anything? We used to be called Dirty Mars.
Yeah. Like Mars is in like MA apostrophe S. Right. All right. There was another band we were friends with who had a very similar name, Jaguar Mar. Yeah, right. And Johnny was actually hanging out with Gab today, they caught up. So that's, that is why the apostrophe is in there? Well, we called ourselves D Mars. Yeah. As in, well, some people did. And then our manager said, how about we just go with this? Yeah. You know, we had a Facebook message the other day, someone saying, do you know that your name's grammatically incorrect? Yeah, yeah.
Why is there an ownership apostrophe? Sometimes if people ask, we say it's just more of a barcode or a symbol than any meaningful name. Here at the Petuta Advocate, we're very good at spotting kind of grammatical errors.
So, yeah, yeah, I know. So tell us a little bit about what's going on with the FKA Dirty Mars, the DMA's. What's been going on? Europe tour? You just come back? Yeah. Well, we're in the middle of a world tour. Right. Whoa. You know, we've tried sort of sticking our fingers around the world. Yeah. And hasn't really worked out every time. So places where there was find a guard there anymore. So a world tour for us mainly just means UK, parts of Europe and Australia. Yeah, right. But you know, we've been on this will be I think it's about 35 dates in about two months. So where have you been recently?
Went around the UK, went to under the Channel, to France, to Holland, to Germany. And then we just came back, did some more UK shows. We went to Scotland for a bit, did Glasgow and Dunfermline.
And then we did that awful flight from, what is it? Heathrow to Perth in one go. Did you? Yeah, it's the longest commercial flight in, you know, ever.
Yeah. And our manager is saying before he booked it for us. Right. On purpose or just because it was? On purpose. Yeah.
Was it quick to I guess a quicker? No, it wasn't quicker.
Because going from international to domestic, we had to take all of our stuff and go through customs again. And after a 17 hour flight, everyone looks pretty dodgy. But even on a good day, we look like shit. And we had all this equipment.
And yeah, they searched us for about two hours, and we missed our connecting flight from Perth to Sydney. So it took heaps longer than you.
Do you guys get sat next to each other? Or like it's kind of after a tour like that? I prefer to sit next to a stranger because a stranger doesn't try and sleep on you and touch you in the middle of the night. They keep to their own. We also all like sitting in aisle seats. Because even though you do get interrupted, you know, I just hate like tapping people's shoulders. Plus you get more personal space if you're on an aisle seat.
Yeah, we obviously still flying an economy. That's the best you can do, I think. Yeah, for sure.
Unless you wrangle an exit row, of course. So how'd you get around?
No, I don't like the responsibility there. Remember Wanter? I have hate responsibility, especially when I'm trying to relax and watch the Avengers.
So how did you get around Europe? Like you said earlier that you're on a bus. Well, yeah, we used to take like a splitter van, which was you'd have your tour meta driving you.
And then you'd have sort of six seats in the back or facing the same way. Sometimes there'd be a table in the middle and you'd face each other.
We'd play Uno and stuff like that. And I love playing that because our singer Tommy is, you know, he's, he's pretty clever guy. But things like that, when you try and like when you can cheat, and everyone's in on except for him. Yeah, it was hilarious.
Hours and hours. He's just yelling and throwing his cards around.
Does it get tense?
I mean, you guys get on real well. Does it like, you know, 33 dates in two months, man? Oh, we've done worse than that. We did. I think we did something like 200 in a year one time, when we went to America that time. So that's like one every three days? Yeah. Well, you'd say I just have like one every day for a week and then a bunch of bit of time off and stuff. But yeah, that was brutal. Yeah. How old were you doing that? That was not that long ago, dude. And we were driving around those splitter vans. Yeah. But now we've got like a tour bus.
Yeah, which is America or here? In what?
Yeah, just in Australia, because, you know, everything's, you know, 10 hours away or whatever. But in England, when you're driving around. Yeah, it's just a lot. You can stand up and walk around and, you know, you can take a little nap if you like this TVs and stuff. Yeah, sick.
Now tell us, 2014, was there a particular moment when people were getting around DMA's Dirty Mars? Was there a moment when?
Yeah. So we basically filmed a video at home, you know, cursor-esque video with our mate with a handy cam. And I was just kind of sitting around the house, singing the lyrics of the camera and stuff. We put that online. And that's delete. That's Play It Out, which is the first video that we did.
Yeah, it's a big banger. Yeah, it's a cool song.
We got contacted that day by a bunch of management people, booking agents and stuff.
Really? Yeah. How did it fly? I don't know.
I just feel like a couple of people shared it who were like in the industry. And then people kind of just liked it straight away and got in contact with us. And we liked it for about a month, because we weren't that interested in even playing live or being in a band really at all. It was just some kind of something to do on the side, sort of stupid thing to do.
And yeah, we got contact with IOU, messaged us. And after a while, we messaged the guy Leon back, Leon Rogovoy, my manager. And he, yeah, we signed up with him.
And you know, haven't looked back. And we met up with Johan Panaya. This is before we'd ever played live. And we'd only put out one song. And we signed with them, who's part of Mushroom.
Yeah, right. For like three records, you know, that's right.
Part of the part of the deal signing with IOU was that he wanted to see us play live, because he didn't. A lot of people didn't and still don't really trust us to do that. But he said, I'm going to have to see you live before I sign you.
Yeah. So we got just a bunch of our friends together. And we've, we just rented out to Annandale. Oh, we knew the guys from Annandale. So they just asked me if we could use it during the day.
That's an iconic kind of Sydney live music venue.
Yeah. In the West, I believe it is. Yeah. Well, you know, people say that, you know, that it's dead. But man, I still go there every Saturday night. Right.
Now, what's going on? Like, world wise, you do world tours, you do fucking, you know, 200 dates, 200 shows in a year. You've done 33 in the last couple months.
Yeah. Have you stumbled across any, like pockets of fandom that you didn't expect? Yeah. So we get a lot of messages. I saw you guys do one about come to Brazil. Yeah. That happens a lot. You come to Chile. But yeah, Mexico is just our biggest. Right. Really? We just have to go to Mexico. Far out. Yeah. But, you know, they, a lot of people, you know, get come to Mexico, exclamation mark. Yeah. You know.
What about Europe? I mean, you toured, like, that was one of your first, like, UK, particularly is one of your first fan bases. Europe's alright, but I don't know, man. Scotland? I get, Scotland's great.
We did our biggest headline show yet in Glasgow. Right. Recently. Yeah. That was just amazing. That was one of those places that Glasgow is the only city in the world where I've seen people stand up the front and they get, like, they don't want to lose their spot. So they'll get, like, 10 pints. Yeah.
And they actually have double pints there. Just these giant kind of, like, sports game cups of beer.
And they- Slurpy. And they, yeah, big slurpy. And they, and they line them up and they drink them and when they need a piss, they just piss in them and then just blob them over the back of their head into the crowd.
Fuck me. Yeah, I've seen it before. And man, I've, yeah, I mean, I'm so lucky that it hasn't hit me. They go backwards, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you do get stuff thrown at you. I never really understood why someone would pay money to go and see someone throw stuff at them, but sweet. Well, there's a good, there's a good quote that I think said by Billy Connolly.
Oh, yeah. He said that Glasgow is the only place on earth that would look the same after a nuclear strike. 100%. Yeah. 100%.
I was talking to this dude after the show and he goes, if you get hit by a drink and it's cold, you're good. Yeah. You know, but if it's warm, you probably just got to go home. Geez, I love this. Chuck and piss around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty ruthless. Hot piss fucking thrown on. Yeah.
I had a lot of haggis as well. Deep fried haggis. You get around haggis?
Yeah, man. You go to like a Turkish joint and they've got like, like haggis piedes and fucking haggis pizza, everything. Yeah. Everything you can think of. They do it with haggis. They've got their own thing, don't they? That's great.
Iron brew. Oh, dude. So, you know, they changed the recipe of iron brew.
No, no. So Scotland's the only country in the world that has, that they have, that Coke isn't the most popular drink. Yeah. It's the only country.
I've heard that noise before. It's 100% true as well. I've been there and I know how much they like it. They just do cocktails at bars. It's all good. Everyone's ordering it all the time.
And they recently got a sugar tax. Yeah. And they went down from 30, I think it was 34 grams of sugar to 16. Yeah. Because they had this tax and there was this uproar in the country.
Why don't you just charge more? Have a discounted version. But for us psychos who want the full 34 grams. We'll pay double.
We don't care.
And they still said no. And there was just, every shop, people just hoarding it. There's basements full of it. People just collecting it and keeping it.
And yeah, I went there and tried it because the Australian one is... It doesn't travel well. Well, we've got a couple months behind and we just don't drink it as much. So if you go to the shop now and get it for Coles in the international section, still the original recipe. Right, right. But give it a couple months, I think it's going to, we're going to get the...
But I was at my friend Jack's house the other day, we would get, because it's 18 grams of sugar difference. Because I brought back four cans of the Scottish stuff for him so we could experiment with it. And I was thinking getting little saddies of 18 grams of sugar, walking around Glasgow, like selling them on the street with a little funnel so you can put it in. Yeah, that'd be great for your visa. But I feel like an 18 gram stator, that's a lot of white powder to be slinging. So I got to figure out another. So you got rolled, speaking of white powder, you got rolled in Europe somewhere.
Oh, Torino, not me, not me, no. Did you read that in... Yeah, yeah, the Herald article. Herald, yeah, yeah, that was me.
I think I was a bit hungover when I was doing that. Said a bit too much, but yeah, that did happen. So if it wasn't me, I didn't get rolled, it was our drummer, I'll say, and two of the guitarists.
Right, yeah, right. Yeah, it was just the promoter said after the gig, don't hang around here because it gets really dodgy. This is in Italy, by the way. We say, nah, man, it seems fine.
We just hung around afterwards and just got a bit loose. So you did, you stuck around? We stuck around, yeah.
Well, I had a great time. Even the guys who got in trouble still had a good time. Liam, our drummer said he was hanging out with this guy for about an hour and they were kind of hanging out, smoking doobie together, talking about Australia and stuff.
This other guy comes over and taps him on the shoulder and he's like, damn it. And then the guy walks off and Liam turns around, he's holding a knife. He goes, oh, man, I have to rob you. Some weird gang thing.
Liam was just like, man, I completely understand. Here's all my stuff. We're still buddies. Have a good night. And the guy's like, I'm so sorry.
And then they part ways. It was like a weird sort of amicable transaction robbing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do it differently in Europe.
What's on the cards here in Australia? You've been doing like, you've delete and what was your song before? You said the Handicam video?
Oh yeah, Play It Out. Play It Out.
And as soon as we did that, they made us take it offline. But it's back on.
Okay. All right. Okay.
So those were your breakout hits as a band? Yeah, I'd say those two, yep. And then the second, it was kind of just kind of flatlined until we did that triple J like a version cover of Believe by Cher. Then that was like another step.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That was, so yeah, he covered a classic, a very clever choice. Well, man, you know what? That was the eighth song that we propositioned to them. Really? Yeah.
So Kingsmill has his fingers in that pie too. He gets to choose what goes on. Oh, dude, literally you've seen, what's that movie, Gladiator? Sees it like with his thumb going like this. I reckon their meetings are like that. Seriously.
So what were the other eight songs that you had kind of lined up before Cher?
Yeah, and what annoyed me was these songs are like, oh, I don't know who's, you know, it's like, I can't say who. I don't know if it's him or not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we did, this literally was the eighth song they said no to. The Paul Kelly song, the Go Between song. And then we thought they wanted something more, like, because we got a Rihanna song from the top 10. They said no to that. I think it was Turn Back Time by Aqua they said no to. That would have been a good one.
Oh, dude, yeah. But, you know, I'm glad they did because it did go really well. So obviously it's the person who's calling the... Yeah, yeah. They know what they're doing, don't they? Yeah, yeah. Killing Heidi, I reckon that's your next play. Superman, Supergirl would be great. You know that one? Yeah. Yeah, fully. Or We Are. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fully.
Songwriting, who's, who's, who is, how is that done? Do you guys do it like a Beatles thing where no one has a name on it or everyone's got their name on it or...
Yeah, we just do it. Everything's written by the three of us. And we split everything just equally. And to the point where it's like, I think it's like 33.34 for one person, four months of the year, which rotates.
Yeah, right. Yeah, cool. It's very... So it's just like a Merck badge then, you know? Yeah, exactly.
Except even with our royalties, we can't even afford any car, let alone another car.
What are you driving? What did you manage to pick me up in? Oh, yeah, he's got one of those Holden station wagons.
And it's definitely from the 90s.
It's got like a big DC sticker on the dash. The back window's got a giant globe sticker on it. The top of the front windscreen's got globe across the top.
Yeah, right. I was asking him where he got these stickers. The type of car you roll into livid with. Oh, yeah.
He looks like he's stealing a lot of pot when he's driving around. Out front of a fun base.
It's really sus. It's super sus.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Because Friends are ROM t-shirt on. So you just said you're halfway through a world tour. Well, we're flying over to do a gig at this place called Finsbury Park, which we're really excited about. It's 40,000 capacity festival. Yeah, that sold out in about 15 minutes or something.
Really? It's going to be crazy. Right. Did you guys? Uh, but basically, it's Wolf Alice and Liam Gallagher's headline. Oh, sick. Yeah. So it's going to be cool. I assume there's going to be a lot of flares. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A bit of soccer. Doesn't happen here, but yeah, it's a great thing to see.
Is there any English in the band? Like, you know, there's a lot of England and UK responds to you. Does anyone have like English parents or something? I know you guys like soccer. Is that like an EPO?
I don't.
Recently we were on Soccer AM, which is the biggest football show in England. And, um, it's the third time we've been on it.
And, you know, there's a hat trick you can get in soccer and you can get when it created the hat trick is Yeah. Score three goals. Three goals in game or something like that. And then you get to keep the ball at the end of the game.
That's like, you know, that's nice. So they gave us a ball for being there on the three times. And I was thinking, I've been on it three times. Like, I don't even, I don't like soccer at all. You know, I thought just it was really fun.
I'm sitting on the couch to ask me questions. I'm answering the best I can.
It's just like, kind of hate this sport. They keep asking us back. But yeah, as you asked before, Tommy's old man is a scouser.
All right. Still has like a super thick liver puddly and accent. Right.
And, uh, Tom, uh, Johnny's old man was like a 10 pound pom or whatever you say.
So it's probably hardest for you to enter the country each time because, uh, Yeah. There's a little naughty corner that, um, that I've got to sit in upon entering.
They put with, it's me and all the crying families that aren't allowed in. It's really sad. Every time there's just people that just got denied and they're kind of sitting there with their kids and everyone's kind of sobbing and it's really depressing.
Yeah. Right. Feel really. So those guys just slot on in. They just, they go straight in because they've got those red passports. Yeah. Right. So it's, it's crazy dude. Yeah.
They just, I don't even know they don't even talk to anyone.
They just put in this machine and it kind of blinks in their eyes and then they're in. But they do have to go and pick up all the equipment.
Yeah.
So when I get out, everything's never gotten the trolleys and they're ready to go. Everything's loaded up.
Yeah. So it's kind of win-win. What do they think of your tats in immigration? I get, I've been asked before. I got, I got actually put in a room in Canada. Yeah. One time and asked me about it, but I got almost every time they ask. Really? What? So they ask you if you're in a gang or something? Yes. Ask you if I'm in a gang or just what they mean. Right.
So you've got to go through and say, this is Paul Kelly. He's an Australian folk musician.
It's a go-betweens album, you know, but it's just, I've, you know, it's all the listeners at home. I've just done them all myself on my hands.
It's really bad. Oh yeah. I mean, I guess there is a little element of prison. Well, that's not what I was going for. I was just, you know, I'm just on a budget.
But is that what they're thinking? You reckon? They're thinking like gang tattoos has been done in the joint maybe.
Yeah. A hundred percent, you know, but when I say I'm traveling with a group of, you know, eight people, we're all musicians. Yeah. I'm an artist. They get it. Yeah. We had, we had Hamish Blake on the show the other day. Um, and he's, you know, obviously, uh, uh, in his own lane has had a big career and we're talking about how, you know, when you've got a bit of profile and you've got a thing that's like, obviously everyone's getting around how he can just be dragged into a room and just been thrown a complete curve ball. Like, have you had any weird, like, you know, uh, people just think, Oh yeah, rock band, maybe we can get them involved on this or like brands or things like that where they try and just, uh, jump on your heat. Yeah. All the time.
Um, we get messages every day about that stuff. You know, people with, you know, there's a lot of political stuff we get asked, you know, like the other day we got asked to voice our opinion, um, on the Palestine Israel issue. There was like a hashtag and a picture that they were asking all their, uh, friends to share, like the bands that they knew.
And, um, yeah, we didn't go along with it, but it's just stuff like that all the time that we kind of, we've never done anything. We never say anything on stage.
It's just literally, Hey, where the DMA is, that's it. Yeah. So we don't really say too much stuff on social media. Yeah. You get on and play, play music, play it, you know, and we just don't try and get involved, you know, in our own personal and social life. Sure. But it's just, you know, I feel like if a band member says something, even though, uh, you are just one person in a collective people instantly assume that it's the whole band that shares that opinion. So it's just, we kind of try to stay out of it because you don't, can't speak for someone else. And you kind of need to have six blokes with the exact same opinions on every single. That's what I mean. Yeah.
So it's like you said that we can't, we don't get involved in it because there's just, I don't want to speak on anyone else's behalf, especially with stuff like that. But yeah, we get asked to do shout outs all the time and speak or meet and greets and stuff. And if we can, we do, but we don't get out. That's, I don't know. We don't get asked that much.
Have you ever had like a strange experience at a meet and greet? Like, have you had a few?
Yeah. Well, there's a couple of stalkers. Really? Yeah. But we just make sure that the security now and wait here or over. There was a guy one time in Germany that posted on our Facebook, I'm coming to your gig and I'm going to kill you. Really? Tonight. Yeah. Why? Don't know. Was that translation break down? Or was it like, you guys are killing it. I'll see you tonight. Yeah. It was in English. Oh, Jesus.
And yeah, we told the security and they brought in like, they doubled the security that afternoon and brought in metal detectors and stuff. That was pretty crazy. But we have someone who follows us around Europe and England and she's probably been to about 60 plus of our gigs now.
Jeez. Harmless.
I don't know. I just don't know how she affords it because it's like a lot of travel. Yeah. A lot of tickets. And also we'll be playing festivals where it's like 300 bucks a ticket and she's there just for one day to see us then she's out. So I don't really know man.
I feel like when you have these crazy fans, you know, you want to avoid them, but they're also probably really interesting.
Yeah. Leave that to someone else to interview on my record. Well, you can play your own gigs too. Like you got Splendid coming up. Oh yeah. But yeah, I think that's what that sells out to now, doesn't it? Yeah. Well, yeah. Uh, I don't think we were able to get tickets this year. Oh yeah. I've already given mine away. Yeah.
No, we weren't putting the hard word on you. Don't worry, mate.
I think we're playing at like six o'clock on the main stage though, which is going to be pretty nice. You know, as the sun's going down in the, the amphitheater. Yep.
So, uh, you've had a few good gigs. You said you've got some favorite venues. Can you tell us now, favorite gig of all time as a DMA's and worst?
Okay. Yeah. I instantly know the answer to both of those.
Um, favorite gig would have been the first time we played in Japan because, um, it was just completely packed. We didn't expect it.
And then afterwards, um, also like when you play, you play a song and it's clapping, like really fast clapping for like two seconds and then just dead silence. It's really weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like intense and then dead silence. It's kind of weird. Yeah. And you've got to kind of like play some distorted chord to like fill out the gap, you know, the afterwards they cleared everyone out and they put a table. We were just in the, in the green room, kind of like having a lot of fun. It wasn't that crazy, you know?
And they say this, we've got the table ready. Everyone's going to come in that we were really talking about it. Everyone at the gig had gone outside and lined up, you know, in no particular order, I'm sure, you know, and then just waited. We sat at this table and they all came in to get, you know, to meet you and take a photo and get something signed.
Just pure. And that was just so weird, man. I found that so it was cool. Dystopian. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Just especially the rock and roll gig at all places, you know, just, you know, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. It's just like this, you know, just never ends with those guys. Yeah.
Worst.
Okay. So we were, this was in, I can't remember the name of the festival. It was in San Francisco and we'd already done our, you know, proper show. This is, you know, we played at 11 AM. We wanted the first on, you know? Yeah. I get it. You know, we did that.
We had a bunch of interviews all day. It was at the festival bar. So it was basically the people who were interviewing us were getting us drinks. We would drink all day.
I'd forgotten we had another gig at the Kia car little stage, which is a tiny stage, you know, certainly this far off the ground, you know, half a meter or, and a little PA and stuff. Wasn't a big deal, but by the time I'd got there, I was basically Blackout.
Yeah. Right.
And yeah, I was just, I don't remember much of it, but this footage taken by the guy who runs Stereogum, which is, you know, pretty big music blog. And it was of me just sort of stumbling over and then just falling down and cracking the side of my neck on the monitor desk. And the monitor guy just being super pissed off and just punching me in the shoulder, like, get off the bloody desk. And Johnny comes over and picks me up and dragged me off stage.
I don't, I've seen the footage. It's super embarrassing. And it got shared, like heaps of people saw it. Like the video itself has like 12 likes, but it's got like 200 comments.
Yeah.
Really not good. Um, but kind of funny.
And I, after the show, there was someone who wanted to do a photo shoot. So they just kind of put sunglasses on me and they all lied down next to me. They put sunnies on me and they kind of lied down to me. And they all lied down in a circle with their heads together and they take them above.
It's actually a really good photo. That's fucking funny. Oh my God. They passed out sunnies on album cover. Yeah. 4 PM San Francisco super bad. Oh, that's good fun. So the album cover, they did two murals of it.
Yeah. Around, um, Sydney.
And I'm so glad that no one's like bombed it yet.
You know what I mean? When is that the one? No, no, no, no, that's not it.
But there's this, there's murals of our, yeah, they're doing murals of, of you. We saw, saw on your socials.
Yeah. But I've just, I came back from England thinking, someone's going to tag these, you know? Yeah. You'd like that though. Oh yeah. Well, you know, it depends what they write, doesn't it? Yeah.
But they're like, they're all good.
So can you tell us for the, uh, for the listeners who aren't, um, you obviously can't see what we're doing right now. And obviously you haven't been, um, working in immigration when you were entering the country.
What kind of tats have you got? Have you, uh, you've got Paul Kelly.
Yeah. Two pack, two pack, two pack on my stomach, which was really, which the, I think the ink that we used was like the rubber and urine. Right. Yeah.
Real prison vibes. Well, I just, how did that heal up? Well, it's just super great actually.
Well, it's stupid. Sterile, more sterile. It's a sample. I don't, you know, you're right. All the dodging, but you know, that was stupid.
Uh, but I got my postcode. Yeah. Bronte on my hand. All right. You know, at least in sober's boy. Oh yeah. Born and bred. Yeah. What about, um, band member names? Oh yeah. I got a couple basically right in the back of the, our tour manager here is going to pick me up in that car. It's a bunch of stupid stuff, but you know, just usually either friends or things that I think are funny and, uh, you know, get pretty bored, get pretty bored on tour. Yeah.
I could just imagine that if I was on the immigration desk and you've just had to explain that you've got your tour manager, um, just there on your flank, you know, you just be like, probably come in handy if you lose his passport. This is me. So the last flight, not this one before, but the one before that I had taken tattoo needles in my carry on luggage. And I'd remembered as I was going through security and you know, when you kind of, you might have like something in your bag and they go, is this your bag? So, you know, come over here and they put something in their rubber gloves to come over and look through it.
And he just pulls out like a deodorant spray. He goes, Oh, you can't take this on.
And I was like, I've got 20 like full-on stabby needles in there.
And that just, that was cool. And I was like, yeah, okay, take the deodorant man. It's all cool.
Do you, um, you, you guys spend a lot of, like on festivals, you do a lot of festivals. So you spend a lot of time, what's the atmosphere like backstage or something like, you know, splendor in the grass or one of those American or UK kind of festivals. Do you, are people hanging around each other? Where, where are you based? Where are you sitting or you just in and out? Well, so if it's the day you're playing, you have your own little tent.
Yeah. Right.
Like if you come the day after you play, you don't get your own little spot, but you can go into the main VIP area. But yeah, everyone mingles around. You know, I feel like you can, there's sort of like levels, you know, like, you know who you can go up and talk to, you know, usually it's people who are playing at the same time as you at the festival. If you play at the start of the day, you can't really go up to the headliner and say, Hey, what's up? But if you're playing near them, it's, it's, you know what I'm talking about? You can't, if you can vibe that. Um, but despite knowing that a couple of years ago when we played, I saw, um, Natalie and Bruglia was hanging out with, um, what's that dude's name?
He's an actor. He's like, I know Tommy really likes him a lot. That doesn't really sort of narrow it down. Your lead singer likes him. Um, oh, it doesn't matter. Anyway. He was like, he's like some, yeah, it's pretty great actor.
And I just went up to her and there's just a Polaroid of me and I'm like, I was wearing this jumpsuit, you know, with like two beers and she's just standing there with her eyes just wide open, just staring at her friend. So, yeah. You got a bit starstruck. Oh, that was having a great time. She looks, yeah, she was the one who seemed, you know, like struck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, you know, what was, did you ever see any blow ups between artists out the back there?
Uh, no, no. I haven't. I'm sure. I don't know. I'm sure it doesn't happen.
I know little Xans playing at, um, at Splendid this year and he's got himself to a bit of controversy recently. So maybe we will see. You don't mind a bit of SoundCloud rap? Oh, you know what? I don't listen to it, but I'm just for some reason, my explore page on Instagram is just covered in it.
Yeah. So I, I know exactly who they all are and what they're all up to, but I'm not, I don't, I don't actually get, listen to it that much. Yeah. It's pretty rank. Yeah. I was listening to the new A$AP Rocky album on the way here. I thought that's pretty good, but he's a bit more authentic. Yeah, yeah. Times past. Yeah.
It is interesting, um, now and you see with all kinds of music, hip hop and rock, a lot of people who have, you know, times past them. It's, it's weird cause you've still got Bob Dylan's still alive, right? You've still got Bob Dylan's alive and you've still got all these rockers. But then you get like, you know, the guys that are now a bit older, but they're still maybe late 20s or maybe early 30s are complaining about all the, you know, young guns in rock or rap, you know, what the hell are they doing?
But it's not, it's, I think a lot of people have trouble realizing it's not for them as well. At all. Yeah, it's not for them at all. And it's just weird that they also, it's just, you're never going to get very far in any like, industry or anything by just complaining about what the young people, what the kids are doing. Like, it obviously doesn't work for musicians and, you know, politicians. I just, I never see that working. You can't complain. The kids are wrong.
Yeah, yeah. You know, it's just like, dude, your career's over if you're doing that stuff. Are you, you've been doing this since you were very much a kid. Yeah.
How old were you when you first signed? I joined an orchestra when I was eight. Right. And started playing guitar, I was playing the cello, but started playing the guitar and listening to rock and roll music when I was about 11. Yeah. And I was playing in bands at about 13, doing gigs and stuff. So yeah, when we first came out. And when did you sign? Yeah, how old were you? Well, we signed with Johan when we were like 23, I think it was. You know, but I put out and Steve Kilby from the church's younger brother, John Kilby, has a record label called Karmic Hit. I put out a record with them when I was like 16.
Right. That was cool. Yeah, but you know, I've been kicking around for a while. Well, just before we wrap this up, there is a, there's a little bit of trivia for those people who've made it this far through the podcast, is that you're actually the, the composer of, of the Petuta Advocate radio show news thing. I didn't think that was going to come up. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Oh yeah. Pioneer. You know, similar to a lot of the guests we have on here, there's a reciprocal kind of respect and, yeah, Matt Mason, thank you very much for everything you did, getting this podcast and, you know. I can't say I put, I'd like to say I put a lot of time and effort into it, but, you know, we've got the DMA stamp, you know. Yeah, you know, I did want to, I actually did want to get it mastered by, by our mastering guy who actually does all of Gucci mains. Stuff. But I thought that, that's a bit overkill. Yeah.
That might have been interesting. It might have sounded completely different getting it back. It might have, you know, scare people off. A bit trappy.
Yeah. You don't want, you know, it's not the vibe here. Yeah. Well, thanks for joining us. Excited to see you guys make your way through festival season and then, we'll hopefully see you there. Yeah.
Put your feet up.
When does that, when does that usually happen? February? Oh, take a break? Yeah. I don't know, man, you know, I just get bored anyway. Yeah. So, we usually get a couple of weeks off here and there, but I don't think we've got any time off really until October. Okay.
Any more, any more upcoming Australian gigs aside from, you know, the immediate's? None that I'm allowed to announce.
Okay. Right, right. We'll save that. Yeah. We'll save that.
If you're in England and if you're listening to this, be sure to type the DMAs into your, into your, into Google, I should say, and if they're playing near you, if you can get a ticket to Finbury Park, then go right ahead and go and see them. Cool. Sorry, sold out. Matt Mason. Thank you. Thank you guys for having me. Thanks for joining us. Have a great time. Amazing.
And just before we go, there's a few questions in the form of letters to the editor that we received this week, which deserve to be answered. Last week, we didn't have time for the mailbag, which was a blessing in disguise, given the content in those letters were quite disturbing. And far from being fit for public broadcast. Nevertheless, this week isn't any different, but alas, we have a duty to these freaks who write to us as well as the wider population around town.
Okay. Well, you pick the first one. Okie dokie. Here it is.
It's from a young rugby union fan up here in Batuta Grove. It reads as follows. To Batuta, I'll cut to the chase. My dad is a big rugby union fan.
It's weird. He's a doctor in town and all of his friends are either doctors, lawyers, or people yet to be convicted on a white collar offense.
Why I'm writing to you is because I don't like union or care about it. It would crush my dad to find out that I'd rather be punched bare fist in the forehead by Danny Green than watch a minute of that boring bourgeois sport. How can I come out to him as an AFL fan?
I just love the intensity and fluid nature of the game. I can't help it. I was born this way with anonymous love from anonymous.
I just think you need to be really true to yourself in terms of your sporting preferences. I mean, there's nothing worse than being dragged along to a rugby union game with your friends under the guise that you're going to have a good time. But you could necessarily say that about any other sport, really. I mean, if you don't particularly like rugby league, if you find yourself that way inclined, you know, it is hard to look like you're enjoying something that you're not. And I think that life is too short and it's too precious to watch rugby union.
That's it, mate. Um, anonymous. I kind of echo Errol's sentiments in that it might seem hard right now. You know, you feel a bit out of place. You don't know if you can go ahead with this and tell your dad this. But you know, one thing you should remember, mate, is it does get better. It always gets better. So, you know, while it seems tough and hard right now, you know, there's going to be a point in your life where your dad loves you for who you are. So, um, yeah, don't be afraid. Yeah, food for thought there, anonymous. I hope things get better for you.
And just looking at the clock, I think we've got time for one more short one. This one comes from a disgruntled young local musician who's living in the French Quarter in a share house. And he's writing to us regarding a review that the advocate ran in the local edition of the newspaper last week. It reads, and just keep in mind that I'm reading this verbatim, to the so-called Batuda Soy Boys.
Next time you review my band, how about you don't be a dick about it? That music journalist, in inverted commas, you sent out to check out the show, barely looked up from his phone, and when he did, he was filming the effing thing to put a snippet out on his Instagram story. How is that effing journalism?
Is your music writer also a muso? Does he understand what it takes to be a muso?
I don't think he does. You, I guess he's talking to us now, you are hurting the local music scene by writing negative reviews about the bands in it. He's the same guy you had on staff last year when he called out Jimmy Barnes on social media for pissing in his own mouth during the Batuda City Limits Festival. Hasn't he heard of rock and roll? Fuck that guy.
Anyway, my question is, why do you employ music journalists?
Regards, Dane Gibson from the Cold Reacher Rounds. Well that's not a short one, but I'll give it a crack. Hello Dane Gibson from the Cold Reacher Rounds.
I guess what I would say to you is that music journalist in question, I believe his name is Barry. I would say Barry is a competent music journalist and what he's done is he's come out and he's given you a review, which I know you're not used to. As a millennial who plays on a guitar, you're used to the three star mark. You're used to getting that, you know, that badge of mediocrity from the remnants of Australian music media.
No one wants to stir the boat.
Everyone wants to be your mate. I understand it. You've got fans, you sell tickets, but guess what?
Subjectively, from a critical perspective, Barry didn't like your music. So you can't ask us why he's employed. He's employed to review bands and to give his opinion on the local music scene. Well Dane, I think to really get to the crux of your question, why do we employ these people?
I think that having music journalists is a necessary evil that comes with having a music scene. I mean, they don't necessarily generate too much revenue in terms of ad money that come through the door. But I think just as long as a scene exists, it needs to have people reporting on it. Otherwise, you know, democracy in music, it does die in the dark. And I think the music journalists bring a bright torch into the dark rooms, into the live music venues around town. And I think that you need to really pull your head in or get some music lessons, Dane. Yeah, without music journalists, while they are a necessary evil, as Errol said, if we don't have them to lead the way we end up with bands like Cat Empire on the airways for a decade or so.
So I'm sure you can understand how necessary that is. And on that note, we're at the top of the hour. Yes.
Up next is Bruce Hitchcock with all the news headlines. And he's followed by the team from Hello Sport. This week, they'll be talking about Origin and the latest Wallabies flogging and what's gone wrong with the Wallabies and what they can do to fix it if anyone cares.
But first, here's Lucy with the weather. You be kind to one another and go the Maroons.
Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
T's and C's apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details. |
cracked | sneak_dirty_jokes_into_movies_like_a_pro_yboc_willy_wonka_cars_beauty_and_the_beast | Hey there nerds, it's me, Love Dr. Jordan Breeding. You're ogling your brain on crack.
After dark. Sorry, I mean. Ooh, after dark.
I know why you're here. You wanna learn how to get filthy. Jokes in the movies. Or, at least you wanna know how other people do it. Or maybe you just want me to undress some filthy movie jokes before your eye holes. Fortunately, I'm about to lather you with all three of those things. You also seem.
One of the most surefire ways to lightly season your film with jokes about, I don't know, foreskin eating is to have a character say the joke in Yiddish because most film goers not only don't speak it, but they don't even realize it's not something Mike Myers invented solely for an SNL sketch. Discuff. Speaking of Yiddish, and also foreskin eating, let's talk about Mrs. Doubtfire. Firstly, the film coined the word rumple foreskin. Rumple foreskin.
Baloney pop. Bit of the old cunning linguistics. And I can hear you yelling at your computer like Gandalf, that's not secret filth. That's obvious filth. But that's because it's just the appetizer for the main foreskin entree. Rumple foreskin also isn't Yiddish. I don't think. Discuff. See, early in the movie, Robin Williams tries out a number of different womanly disguises, including a babushka-wearing Jewish grandmother who delivers the line, I should never buy gribness from a boil. It's so chewy. The line sounds like just some random Yiddish words, no different than say, I should never bagel yarmulke from a mazeltov. Except that it turns out that gribness are chicken or goose-skin cracklings and a moil is the person who performs traditional Jewish circumcision. Just take them off like a dog. Sorry. Put it all together, add the chewy part, and you end up with a deliciously horror, fine, family, unfriendly, dick joke hidden behind a firewall of Yiddish. I've got something I should make a pincer. But smuggling filth into a movie using Yiddish probably only happened that one time, right? Wrong! Took his face.
In the 1941 movie, The Maltese Falcon, about a bunch of people trying to get happy for a bug out to give them a big ol' bud, one character is continuously referred to as a gunsel. Let's give him the gunsel. From context, we are meant to assume that gunsel is like a corruption of gunslinger or something.
And that's because that's exactly what the author of the original novel hoped that his editor would think. He wanted the story's protagonist to insult another character by calling him a slur, but the editor didn't want any swear words in this wholesome book about extortion and murder. Why, it's our best bet.
So the author used gunsel, which actually comes from the Yiddish word for gosling, and it means a submissive gay man, but not in such nice terms. I heard what you said. Man, we could really use a gritty remake starring Ryan's submissive gay man. We're back to that. But anyway, after The Maltese Falcon premiered, the definition of gunsel was expanded to also mean a hired gun because that's just how language works. And it's all because literary editors don't visit enough gay Jewish sex dungeons with submissive men and Brian Gosling.
There's never any telling what you will say or do next, except that it's bound to be something astonishing.
There's also a scene in Blazing Saddles where Mel Brooks' chieftain character says some racist stuff in Yiddish about black people. And while the audience may not have caught what he was saying exactly, they probably noticed the Jewish man dressed up as a Native American speaking Yiddish. So, you know, still not a nice joke, whether or not you realize just how much he needed to wash his mouth out with soap.
Law's in gay! Like my grandma always says, you can do anything you want, who's sentient character? And it won't be gross and dirty as long as they are not in human form. Then my grandma would always point out how in the Beauty and the Beast film that didn't feature a servant transformed into a sentient shit-eating toilet for decades.
Oh, shit. Well, that movie still features a fairly graphic assault upon a feather duster lady. No! The scene happens right before the big finale and it's blink and you'll miss it short, but the main reason we've all repressed it from our memories is because when you think about it for one second, I mean that maid's feathers are obviously supposed to be her skirt. So pulling them out would be the same as stripping the character naked, right? And then that dude's face leaves no doubt as to his intentions once the feathers are gone. This is basically the old-timey version of a guy trying to stick his dick in a vacuum cleaner, except the vacuum cleaner is alive! And also it's gonna transform back into a human at some point, so it's basically your mom, Dave! Except no, that scene is really screwed up.
I'm sorry, Dave.
Your mom's great. I don't know why I said that. Sometimes I just get in the moment and I'll do anything for a laugh, but sometimes people get hurt. Your mom is a great kitchen.
She doesn't suck dick like a man!
And how about Pixar's Cars? Originally it had way more adult humor like the top-down truck stop with all convertible waitresses. Get it? Convertible equals topless car, which equals topless car. Ha ha, it works. It's not weird to touch yourself while watching Pixar's Cars.
Your honor? What did I tell you about talking to the accused?
Ultimately, the animators took a more kid-friendly route but kept their observation about the car boobies. Remember when the two female Mazda cars drive up to Lightning McQueen and yell that they're his biggest fans and then show them their pop-up headlights? Don't need to look at Lightning's drooling face to see that the scene implies the two cars have just flashed Lightning their breasts. But if headlights equal boobs, then does that mean that every single female car in these movies is perpetually tits out like some sort of underground European art house film?
Good looking girl, look just like a Jaguar. Only she was a truck.
Kids probably miss that, so Pixar upped the ante in the sequel by having the villainous Lemon Cars host a party. Ha, a lemon party.
If you will. The only thing they haven't stopped doing is fucking. Some of you may be too young to get it, so you should just go to Google and hit search.
Turn all the filters off and look up Lemon Party. Like my grandma always says about Lemon Party.
Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Gimme more of that shit. Oh yeah, Grammy, likey. Oh god, shit, refresh, refresh.
Oh dear, no, I'm sorry. I'm being a little graphic, sorry.
About halfway through the first Avengers film, Tom Hiddleston's Loki gets captured by S.H.I.E.L.D. and locked up in a glass cell because the Academy has decreed that every calculating intelligent villain has to be a reference to Hannibal Lecter. So more like Tom Hannibal-ston.
I'm sorry, Dave. It's that thing again. It's your mom's vacuum cleaner, Tom Hannibal.
What kind of pun is that? Ah, shit. Ooh, spicy.
I like this. During the scene in which Loki isn't openly shit on the ground while the entire Avengers team watches through the transparent glass, because, I mean, that had to happen at some point. It's all glass.
There's no toilet, he has to shit, right?
Black Widow asks Loki to please stop mind-controlling Hawkeye because she cares for him. And they have so much, you know, history together. Like the time they blew that little kid the f**k up in Budapest. Awww. The Norse god responds by insulting and taunting Black Widow and calling her a mewling quim. And since I realize you no longer trust Google after looking up lemon party like my grandma, let me just tell you real quick that quim is a British synonym for female genitalia. That begins with a C and rhymes with--hold on, did Loki just call Black Widow a whiny c**t? No wonder director Joss Whedon considers getting that line past the censors to be his greatest achievement. Right after making everybody he's ever worked with want to frickin' die.
Hey, speaking of greatest achievements, let's talk about Citizen Kane, widely considered the best movie ever by people who've clearly never seen The Raid. Or The Raid 2.
Citizen Kane is basically the story of innocence lost, represented by Rosebud, the titular character's childhood sled. And another thing that Rosebud represents? A clitoris! Rosebud. No, seriously, Gorvital claims that Rosebud is what newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst, the inspiration for Charles Foster Kane, called his lover's lady doorbell.
Hearst spent most of his time living openly with actress Marion Davies, the inspiration for Susan Alexander Kane in the movie. And once her acting career fell through, Davies fell back on her true passion. Hearst's penis, and getting drunk at Hollywood parties. That's when she supposedly let the co-writer of Citizen Kane. Allegedly, after getting drunk together, Davies ended up spilling the beans about Hearst's nickname for Herbie. Mankiewicz then put the word Rosebud into the movie to piss Hearst off.
It is of course impossible to verify this claim, which is admittedly a little dubious because I mean are we really supposed to believe that men in the 1930s actually knew what a clitoris was? Oh perfectly, well there's not the slightest proof of this. But the point is, you can put as many euphemisms for lady fun parts in your movie as you want because at most, people can name like what, two? Opt to find the mythical clitoris. Food, maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't, but if your only exposure to food is what's depicted in movies, you might assume that food is yet another word for penis. But uh, let me just show you what I'm talking about. No Dave, not my actual dick!
In one Teen Titans Go episode, Cyborg both violently gets a pickle out of a jar and punches a tub of ground chuck. Or in other grosser words, he was jerking his gherkin and foundin' his meat. Both are very satisfactory to me. Consider how Cyborg is wearing an apron with food pun written on it. In the amazing world of Gumball, the titular character gets into a prank war with Hot Dog Guy, who is his name, and at one point Gumball turns down the temperature of Sausage Dude's shower, which causes Weiner Man to physically shrink in size, and enforcing parents to scramble on the spot and come up with an age-appropriate explanation for their kids. How do you like it?
But anyway, if you want the real high-end Christopher Nolan time-dick twisting inception shit jokes, then we've got to talk about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Specifically, the scene where Double Dubs invites his guests to lick his wallpaper. But no, that's not the part yet.
It's when he explains that the strawberries taste like strawberries, and the snozzberries taste like dick. Like a pineapple, it tastes like a pineapple. We never get an explanation in the film as to what exactly a snozzberry is supposed to be, but thanks to the flat circle of time, we now know that snozzberries are dicks, or at least testicles. And this comes from Roald Dahl himself in his 1979 novel My Uncle Oswald, which, spoiler alert for a 50-year-old book, is about stealing Rich Dude's semen to resell.
Don't worry, it's weirder in context. In any case, the novel has a scene where the woman who's out there getting her hands dirty juicing all those man parts is asked by her boss how she manages to coerce the men that are less inclined to part with their precious seed. She explains that she grabs them by their snozzberries and gives them a twist, which, fair. That would work on me. But again, that retroactively implies that Willy Wonka actually depicts a bunch of unsuspecting people on a candy tour just going to town on a wall full of dicks and or balls. Now, there are two objections some boner has already thrown in the comments that I'm about to refute. One is that just because people talk about getting kicked in the grapes, that doesn't mean that every instance of the word grape means testicles. And that's fine. But also if Wonka had said, lick these nuts, they taste like nuts.
It'd be an obvious euphemism and intentional double entendre, which would still count as a dirty joke. If Doll wanted to avoid this forever, he could have specifically chosen some benign fruit, like apples or watermelon, that nobody has sex with more than once. But snozzberries is an extremely memorable name, and even if Doll didn't mean it at the time, the fact that he later does create a sexual connection for the berries suggests that he intentionally wanted this all to be one weird dirty joke, even if the punch line came later as a retcon. A retcon dirty joke is still a real dirty joke, in the present.
And that's why it's the greatest instance of hidden filth in a kid's movie of all time. And now, it's time I reveal this entire show is an attempt to sneak a dirty on you. Your round, Cracked, is a reference to drugs, your breeding is a reference to all the sex stuff I'm doing. Ha, I've bamboozled you, I've swindled you, I've doused you in the filthiest filth of all time. I'm the Mudmaster, and you're my dirty children. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_132_Jimmy_Barnes | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show recording down in downtown Batooda here at the Old City District, Budgie Smuggler Studios. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooda Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large.
How are you Errol? Good mate. I'm from Channel Country, crystal clear skies, just had a drop of rain, the wildflowers will be en route. Yeah it's a good time of the year, it's about to get very hot so take it in, take it in while you can and today's guest is beaming live straight out of the Wollongong hinterland I guess you could call it down there in the southern highlands of Sydney, southern highlands of New South Wales, Jimmy Barnes thank you for joining us. How are you gentlemen? Very good as always. Nice to see you, nice to see you got the internet out there. Yeah yeah, satellite sky master satellite. The interweb. We've been trying to get uh, Barnsey on for a while on the Batooda Advocate radio show and like a lot of the big guests we've been getting lately, Covid's been great for that because as we see, Barnsey knows how to use a zoom, he can do it from his living room.
No well actually tell you the truth, one of the kids had to come set it up. I've got to own up to it straight away you know. You've been doing a fair bit of music at home, we've seen. Yeah yeah, me and the missus, Jane decided seven months ago when the whole place closed down that she was going to learn guitar and she's been sitting in there churning, you know, practicing for hours every day and just churning that song so it's great. Every night we get out, you know, we're just doing it very very amateur hour just with an iPhone, that's surprising how good it sounds. Yeah yeah, deep in the lockdown as well that started too so I mean when everyone was trying to find ways to kill time that we were getting videos coming out of the Barnes household where the whole family was singing, you had the... Yeah but there's no shortage of bloody entertainers and you know all the kids all sing, the grandkids sing, it's good they all play something so it's good.
Now tell us you've just released a book, I mean this is a quick turn around, you've been busy in Covid and you've also played a few gigs. Yeah I've done a couple of gigs but you know listen I've been sort of writing the last four years, I wrote the first couple of books and I just didn't stop I just sort of kept writing little bits and pieces and I decided late last year that I was going to you know write some short stories and I had a couple ideas already down and my plan was I was going to go and take a bloody holiday because I just worked through it for about four years and write a book while we traveled but of course we left here got to Thailand where my wife's from and the whole world sort of shut down around us and we had to turn around come back which was great because you know I've got to tell you the hinterland of Wollongong is looking pretty bloody good at the moment. So what made you get into writing so prolifically like obviously you've written a lot of good songs, a lot of songs, it's one thing to write an album it's another thing to write thousands of pages of your own story. It's one of those things where the first couple of books really it was like bloody you know it was like therapy for me it was a whole pile of stuff that I had to get out and whether I just wrote it down and then burnt it you know just to get it out for myself and after I wrote it out I started writing and I realized that people some people were actually getting something from it and people liked it and I just enjoyed the process and I bloody you know I like telling a story I like telling a yarn anyway so you know just sitting at the computer and you know I remember nearly everything it's surprising when you think about what I've done to myself but but I remember most things and to sit there and try and focus on it and then fill in the gaps is a lot of fun anyway you know just you know sitting there trying to write you know write like Don Walker if I'm doing a conversation with Don Walker of course I don't remember what he said word for word but I know exactly how he speaks for that sort of North Queensland draw and we know I can fill in the gaps and make it and make it fun so it's sort of it's entertaining for me and it's just you know it's just sort of something I'm really great I'm just gonna keep doing it yeah it is interesting to be able to view it that way we it's it's your memoirs or just your stories and you this is how I think it went down it's it's great yeah that's what I mean why is you know it's your story from your perspective and what you remember it's not anybody else's one of the things I noticed when I when I wrote the first the first working-class boy yeah I had to really lay it out clear to make sure I didn't tell anybody else's story I've got five siblings and I didn't want to tell their story I can only tell it from what I seen and that's the important thing when you're doing this and so I just write it from my perspective and if people don't like it they get their own fucking book absolutely so whatever you want a trusty read any bosses here yeah you've read a few of our articles actually we have it was during the the plebiscite when Tony Abbott came out and said that we shouldn't be playing political music at the NRL Grand Final with Macklemore and just the year before you the year before you'd sunk a song Tony's the last person to get anything yeah really sure of anything actually who is some of the authors that really inspired you to get into writing you know your own fiction I've only just started writing fiction you know I like all sorts of you know you know you can like Stephen King and stuff but I've been reading like Truman Capote and Joan Diddy and people like that and I like I like that sort of you know I like fiction based on you know based on fact so yeah I think a lot of the stuff I'm gonna write it's gonna be something you know that they all say you've got to write what you what you know so I'm gonna try you know probably write some horror stories based on my own life you mentioned before it was working-class boy was one book you released and then followed up by working-class man yeah and that kind of working-class boy kind of tells the story of passage to Australia for your family yeah and you were a youngster in Scotland yeah I left Scotland when I was five you have memories of the life and times really it's a ridiculous really vivid I actually long before I started writing the book I remember I said to my mum I keep remembering this house and I drew pictures of this of this room and I said where is this where do you think there's this sort of layout what sort of house was this where were we and she said you couldn't possibly remember it you know you left there when you were ten months old or something like that so I remember I remember real vividly you know lots of things I can I remember this room with a combustion stove and the bed sunk it at the back and she said it was a kitchen that we lived in in 1956 so so that's right which is you know considering I remember what I had for breakfast yesterday it's pretty cool but I remember a lot in Scotland there's a lot of you know real vivid memories and a lot of it was pretty dark you know because there was a you know Glasgow is a tough place and within my family there was a lot of violence and a lot you know like my dad was a I was a boxer and his dad was a fighter and they were both like bouncers and stand over man and all this sort of stuff and so there was a lot of violence around where we came from and and so I've got very dark you know real you know I could taste the place I just it's really really yeah right on a right in front of me and every time I went back to Scotland I get the same feel I get this feeling of doom and gloom and it wasn't until I wrote those books and I sort of let go a lot of that shit that I go back to Glasgow and it's still just as dark it's still just as dangerous but I could actually sort of sit with the place now I love it yeah yeah we interviewed on the The Tutor Advocate radio show about a year or so ago James Raine and he was telling us about you know the surf rock to the pub rock scene and and you know just just the things that were going on around him while he was coming up as a musician yeah and he referred to Adelaide and South Australia the music coming out of there he I mean I don't think this is a you know commonplace terminology but he said oh you know and you had all the ten-pound poms coming out of Adelaide was it like that did I mean and it's not just absolutely absolutely because yeah Adelaide particularly Elizabeth where I grew up there was all the immigrants were stuck there and there was a lot of a lot of the bands you see that the reason there was a lot of Adelaide bands whether it's the Twilights in the early days the Masters of Friends, the Angels, Cold Chisel, a lot of the bands that came out of that stem from immigrants you know Steve and I and Chisel were both you know both you know Brits we'd hear and particularly in the 60s I think bands used to hear music the ten-pound tourists would come over they'd all go to Elizabeth and then have the newest records in it and it would take six months to get records to come to Australia in those days so bands like it in in in Adelaide were playing and playing these songs live and they were like way ahead of their time so a lot of the bands had that really early British influence and it sort of and it permeated the whole thing and so the whole Adelaide rock scene was really it was really quite a you know prolific sort of scene and people really you know there was a lot of great bands came out there a lot of great musicians so now and the great the great thing about Adelaide too is the bands could play there and because it was so far away from anywhere really you know the eastern states where the music scene sort of was happening people people would know about you so you could go there you can fuck up you get yourself together get the band so it was cooking and then move to the eastern states and you know you'd go there and they go here's a new band and you'd be playing for five years yeah you're ready-made ready-made yeah that's good Adelaide's just the oven Adelaide's the oven yeah exactly yeah and it was they were a tough audience too and and you know we played a couple of pubs in Adelaide like a place called the Largs Pier which I've spoken about a lot which was as rough as guts but a great rock and roll audience if they if they liked you they were gonna you know they'll go through hell and high water for you but if they if they didn't they'd kill you so you know you have to play good yeah do you think um any sort of young bands could have that same experience now or is or you know it's a different experience now you know there's a lot of stuff that young bands have got going for them as far as you know being able to promote themselves online get music anywhere in the world instantaneously you know like you can drop it and if you can get through the right people whereas we didn't have that and we just had to play night after night in pubs and clubs you know like I think it's a tough thing for young bands to become great live bands because you know you hear about bands like DMAs we're talking about them before you know they're really good because they play a lot of live gigs you know you've got to play live to get to cut your teeth doing that and that's what sort of that was what the backbone of this whole australian they called it the pub roxy you know that was the oils angels you know rose tattoo acdc we all cut our teeth playing to hostile audiences in in pubs with drunken drunken crowds and you had to be you have to really get your shit together otherwise they'd kill you so and it really made your bands really tight there's definitely a flavor that australian bands from the 60s 70s and 80s sort of had which sort of started to change when all the clubs shut down you know we used to play clubs that were the clubs that were you know licensed for 300 people and they'd have 2000 people in there you know it was a death trap you know so i wouldn't advise it but it would work for the bands it's interesting that you say that the crowds used to be hostile i mean like now when you go and see a rock and roll show you know you've obviously paid some good money for it and you you want to go there and have a good time why do you think the crowds were so hostile back in the day you know especially in public there was a bit of a thing going where you know there was you know i know early in our careers people sort of thought that anything that came from overseas was better than what we had here yeah it was a bit of a everybody had a bit of a chip on their shoulders and uh and we'd go out of our ways to make sure that you know that they didn't leave with the same impression i mean and there's also you have to you'd have to play and part of the licensing laws and in the 70s where they used to have to serve a meal you know yeah that's how they let people stay late so they'd serve a meal while you're playing and i'd be fucked if i was gonna let anybody eat while i was singing you know so i so you know it was hostile probably because i was hostile to them yeah yeah but but they were they were just tough crowds i mean they yeah they knew what good music was and there was an abundance of good rock and roll bands in this country that were playing every night and if they didn't like you they'd walk out the door and go to another pub and see and see rose tattoo the pubs were full either way everywhere yeah everywhere the pubs were packed yeah and and the bands and bands were getting you know you get out and you can play we used to play eight gigs a week you know outrageous we used to hear that about you know well before certain laws might have been invented uh in the way of driving around town but yeah you'd hear those stories whether they'd be in st kilda or bondi beach with five six gigs a night just loading up yeah absolutely we used to do a gig in melbourne for instance we'd do melbourne was a there's a lot of pubs to play we play a pub at lunchtime you know and on saturday we play a pub at lunchtime we'll do an early spot at 7 30 in a club supporting one of the big melbourne bands you know daddy cool or something and then we'd play at three o'clock in the morning in a place called bananas in st kilda and literally you know i'd be really good in the first gig uh at lunchtime by the second one i was getting a bit bleary high and a bit out there and by the third one they'd carry me in you know never mind when we left the place so it was pretty wild scene it was good you know i mean you learn how to think on your feet you know and get by you know you could there was a lot of smoke and mirrors we could if you couldn't sing anymore you'd just trash the place i mean you know put on a show well um earlier this year jimmy i was in belfast and we managed to um to catch a show by an american rapper called the game i'm not sure you have if you've heard of him but um during the course of his performance he consumed an entire bottle of vodka in one sitting um he didn't come up he didn't come up for red would you have any advice to him about you know like what he should be doing moving forward i mean i don't know how how hard it would be to perform a live show after you've just done that yourself um but i used to do it every night yeah how how i don't know you know and i used to because i think the adrenaline kept you going yeah i've you know probably you know assessed it by some other chemicals and stuff like that but you know it just i wouldn't advise it yeah but i did it for years i mean i used to i used to drink a bottle of scotch and a bottle of dremburi on stage uh you know what you know just during an hour and a quarter show and i'd mix i'd mix you know you know bloody you know what they call drinks in my in my mouth it was just gone but but you can do it you know i just i've seen shows where people are just so wasted that that's sort of part of the entertainment i remember i went and seen icky pop in london uh we played called chisel played at this club uh this this little theater thing in london the guys who were the stage hands said come tomorrow night icky pops playing i said oh yeah i'd love to come they said he's doing two shows he's doing one at eight o'clock and one at midnight come to the midnight one okay and i walked in and nook and icky was so wasted he was just trashed and i got there he just walked on stage and i'm looking at him you know he's not usual he's ripped you know he's got the shirt off and he but he's cut from head to foot you know and i said what happened to him and apparently he was so out of it he was pacing around the dressing room and this bloke kept staring at him so he dived at him and it was a mirror it was awesome he was he was just monumental one of the best shows i've ever seen but he was but at the same he was wasted but he was just intense and and on the money it was part of the performance yeah somehow somehow people managed to do it i mean i you know i really i wouldn't recommend it but you know you can do it what do you i don't know how big hip-hop is in belfast and in dublin either so well that was uh there was a lot of metal detectors at the door put it that way it was a very intimate gig it was ulster hall ulster hall with metal detectors i've played ulster hall i played there many times yeah can you tell us a little bit about the the whole um touring aspect of it i mean you're still doing it to this day having uh covered pending we've done a couple live shows and you kind of do a bit more moving around as you'd know with book when you've released a book or something like that we did a stage show a year or so ago and we didn't do too many we did what six shows in in the space of a month that's eight eight shows in the space of a month uh some back-to-back in different cities and even we felt you know the airport food and the booze was enough to slow us down it's like where's it where's you down but i know you would have done way more than that and i'm thinking you know how do you how were you as a young man in your mid to late 20s what would you do how would you end something like that because i can imagine you were absolutely fucked after 20 shows in different countries with a rider at the back every stage like there's one thing to be fucked on stage but to be rooted at the end of a tour what would you do we didn't even think about it you know because to tell you the truth we would we would sort of finish a tour here then go to new zealand and do a tour go to europe and do a tour go to america doing tour and you finish in america and they say oh we've booked your new tour in australia so you come back and it was sort of you know just what you did but there must have been you know must have been 20 odd years where we just went back to back to back to back you know it was just non-stop and you sort of you get match fit yeah you know that's the thing it takes about it takes about eight shows but you do get match fit and that's that's being able to pick yourself up you know and you know a lot of this like i said is adrenaline and a lot of it's got to do with just you know you get out in front of a crowd and you've got to put it on yeah you can't get out there and not deliver you know that's otherwise you don't you don't have a job you know so you get up there and the audience you know the energy of the crowd sort of drives you and once you get match fit you get up there and it's just switch it on and bang hit them hard you know hit them hard hit them low and if they get up hit them again yeah with your books you've kind of went from working class boy that kind of followed you through you know early days in glasgow then adelaide and then you know into music and then working class man tells a story of you know the man and of course you know the songs that came including working class man how do you deal with this thing that very few australians would have where such a large part of the population australia would feel like you wrote that song about them uh or i know i know you know working class man for instance yeah i was doing i was doing an interview earlier on the radio big big radio session and they said to me you know you've written such iconic iconic songs as when you when you wrote that line well she loves you know a little woman you know and i guess i didn't write that song jonathan cain wrote that song yeah but it's a weird thing you know just be like being in cultures or for instance you know have you know being such a part of people's lives it's really weird people don't come up to me like you know gushing and screaming like i'm not justin bieber you know yeah but they come up and they they feel like they know me because i've grown up in front of them yeah i've spent 40 years you know playing at their bloody weddings at their you know they play their records at their kids funerals at their bloody parties at the 21st yeah and so people come up to you and just you know they come up and say good day and just you know it's a weird feeling but if people feel like they know you and in a way they sort of do because what you do you know you lay out there every night and and sometimes you know it gets sometimes it gets annoying because you really you know they might know you too well or they or they um get too familiar or you just you know you know you go out for dinner with you i go out for dinner with my wife and it you know you sit having a romantic dinner and somebody comes up and say oh can i take a photo with you to the table i'm not happy i'm not really happy you're just saying i know you hate this but i'm going to do it anyway yeah and by the way can you sign can you sign my wife's ass really it's not good it's not romantic yeah but do you think it'll ever get old do you think you'll ever get tired of being you know everyone's kind of go-to uh you know what i get tired of it all the time but it just you know i enjoy singing and when i you know all the old i try my best not to be a celebrity you know like there's a milk people who always want to be celeb come on here and be on this show and do it i'm a rock and roll singer that's what i do yeah um when people come up and act stupid then i just say you know back off you know like i'm not bloody like i said it's not just a beaver i'm not a celebrity i'm just a singer what do you want if you want me saying something i'll do it and get out of my face you know you're also not a role model no no that's right exactly right but people sort of know that and they can tell you know once they go up close they'll they'll leave you alone and i just enjoy singing the point is every night i get up on stage uh you know i don't regret you know being a singer ever you know i get up there and it just it brings me joy it makes you know you know i get to you know exercise demons every night i get it's like it's like primal therapy every night of the week you know i get to get get in touch with with feelings that most people don't get a chance to just buy your access and when you're singing so i i see it as a gift and i don't think it's ever really gonna you know get get tired for me do you ever sit there i mean this is an interesting question but you know you would know the places you could go where you would be probably most loved do you ever feel like do you ever get up you know maybe the missus is out of town you think i'm gonna go be jimmy barnes tonight and walk in the front bar of the you know bundanoon hotel i've sort of avoided that i've avoided that for a long time you know like but there was there's times when you go when you know your mates have come up and said i'll just go for a beer and you walk into the fucking pond i don't tell it to me oh why did i do this like but you know you get you get sort of you get sort of smart enough not to do that you know i mean i'm sure it'd be cool it'd be cool in patoota i could walk in anytime the other thing that's really annoying this is one of the annoying things about being a celebrity when people walk up to you and go you're jimmy barnes aren't you i go yeah yeah and they go nah you're not nah you're not nah i'm not i'm not leave me alone yeah what do you want me to do oh that's good stuff um did you and the band foresee this working class icon status i mean as you said you're rock and roll stars you're not you're not painters and dockers no but no i think i think what it was i think what it was was from the early days coaches or once we put records out you know there was a lot of people that were making a lot of money out of off of yeah and off and off of punters and when cold chisel started we were there was a booking agency called dirty pool our management started along with the management of the angels and the management of ice house and they formed this this management team who started doing door deals right and stuff like that so what we could do was instead of paying you know 100 grand to the agent you could you could and making five grand for the band or something you could make 20 grand and you could drop the ticket price the punters were looked after so we just always had this thing about you know looking after after punters so people ask people used to ask us why we did it and it was one it was it was self-preservation we knew that if we looked after people who were coming to see us they'd keep coming back but the other thing was i'd been a punter i'd been a young punk in adelaide just wanting to go to gigs and couldn't afford to get in and you know i'd have to kick doors in and shit like that so we just we kept it so we kept our coaches will always kept the price of our merch down we made you know when i went solo i made you know working class man album just because i wanted to give something back you know people you know people support you and and give you this lifestyle and if you go out there and just and just milk it for all you can you know people don't like it so and they've asked me why i did that and i said well i i was born you know in a working class family that doesn't come out of you just because you've made a bit of money i you know this is burnt into my fucking veins i remember every minute when we struggled and you just try and keep that in mind and keep yourself grounded and remember you're only a singer you know that's all you do and it's better if the punters are down there behind the uh the soundies rather than bowing you up in the pub exactly i like it done when they're down there i can see what they're up to yeah now tell us uh what are you thinking musically i mean you've obviously spent a lot of time writing how do you keep creative you're looking fit by the way i'll just yeah i'm pretty fit at the moment i'm good so does that play into itself uh well you know i think the healthier you are you know especially i'm 64 yeah you know so for me to be out you know i still want to go out there you know i i think that the best music i'm going to make is still to come i think that my i've still got a lot to do and to do that i've got to be fit i've got to be you know i want to go up on stage and not go up there and collapse and i hate you know i want to be i want to be better than i've ever been every time i get up so i've got to keep doing it and i found that the healthier i am the clearer i am the more creative i am i used to think you know for years i did so many gigs wasted uh you know and in fact for a long time you could have counted in on one hand the amount of gigs i did not wasted so i and then i got to the point where i thought i couldn't do a gig unless i was completely hammered and then when i finally started doing gigs sober and straight it was like this revelation i'm oh my god i've been noble in myself for 30 years you know yeah so i i find i'm more creative i've got more energy more drive to work and you know just more i've got more options now so you've got to i think you've got to keep fairly healthy if you want to if you want to last uh i you know i've got a lot of things i want to do i've at the moment you know i'm writing a solo record i'm in the process of writing that i've got the book out now the third book i've got two different fictions that i'm starting to work on to write yeah i'm making a rockabilly record with chris cheney from the living end and slim jim phantom from the stray cats and we're in the process of making an album with the australian chamber orchestra so the idea is keep this keep yourself busy yeah keep moving forward and keep trying new things yeah what are you doing are you on a bike hey how are you keeping fit or is that just the performing no part of its performance but i do pilates i get in the gym you know i used to do martial arts for years and stuff like that and i you know i get up and kick and felt things and do all that sort of shit as i got older i just find that you know all my joints are too sore from hitting things so so i do pilates and and i've done yoga i do anything to keep fit walk you know swim uh you know any anything i can do but uh i think you just got to keep yourself active otherwise you just you know especially after the lifestyle i've lived you know you'd be in a heap on the floor jimmy just a few more questions before we go just um back to killing time there's a lot of different types of stories in here i mean like um from everywhere from up in memphis all the way down to coral island somewhere off the coast of australia what um process did you go through to come up with the stories that you're going to write for this book you've lived off a very long and interesting life yeah yeah well i've still got a lot of stories i think once i just sat over the months leading up to writing i remember i must write about this and i put it into my phone and a note in my phone and a lot of those i didn't get to because when i sat down and wrote other things would come to me i tried to make this book the a bunch of stories that weren't really related to each other yeah but i found by the end of it that they all seemed to be related in some way or another and even stranger i found that they all related to the other two books so yeah uh you know that i mean life's got a way of you know when you're when you're traveling along just ignoring everything uh of putting big red flags up saying you should be doing this or you should see this and change this and a lot of those markers i didn't see because i was so wasted a lot of the stories i guess it's still sort of sort of cathartic therapeutic for me to write them because there was stuff you know i mean i write i wrote stories like there's a story in the book it's called a curse on you and i remember this this day vividly and i was in america it was in the mid 90s i was in america and i was really wasted at the time and i was leaving the recording studio in limousine and and driving home and i wanted to get a bottle of vodka right so i got the limo to pull into this little strip mall in la cienega and i knew the bottle shop was there because i'd seen it right next door to it there was this fortune teller shop right and the fortune tellers had the red velvet curtains yeah and had a crystal ball on a table with a with a light on it looked like a set from the monsters you know and uh and so i'd seen it but i knew there's a bottle shop there so that's why i stopped and i remember the limo pulled in and i fell out of the limo looked like something you know that movie arthur yeah and anyway so i fell out and i stang it in to the bottle shop i thought there was two doors right next to each other and i walked into the fortune teller by accident right uh this is what happened and as soon as i walked in i shut the door and it all went sort of quiet and muffled and from the red velvet curtains everywhere there's candles burning them i thought to myself what a weird bloody bottle shop this is you know and it's this woman walks out from behind a curtain and she's in red silk robes and scarves tied around she looked like the guitar player from bruce springsteen's band yeah little stephen you know i know i know stephen i know stephen i'm glad it's at you steve and uh and she came towards me and i realized what i've done wrong shot and uh she's going i must talk to you and i'm going yeah no i gotta get out of here i got i just wanted to get back to the bottle shop you know and she's going there's a curse on you i'm saying tell me something i don't know yeah look at me look at the state i'm in yeah and i kept backing up and i got to the door and she said someone very close to you is trying to kill you and by that point i'm going thanks but i gotta go back out the door i didn't got the bottle of vodka and i forgot about it right i sit and write in this book and that story came to me and i thought about it it's one of those moments where there was a big flag she was absolutely right somebody was trying to kill me and it was me yeah i should have known because i was going at that state i was still going to buy a bottle of vodka so so a lot of the stories are like that they're sort of they're connected to to either my growth or my self-destruction you know but yeah depending when you're looking can you see any of these ended up on the screen or just any of your writing in general ending up on the screen you know listen who knows i mean i like the idea of that but you know listen i don't write them for that i just write them mainly i write them to get them out and it's entertaining i write these things some of them are sitting right and i just have a laugh to myself you know and then somebody goes that's really good my wife said oh you can say that you know there's a few things you have to edit because the other thing is you know you know you write things and you go ah and this bloke was there and he's a fucking idiot so you have to be very careful what you say about people and how you describe situations i've been i've been lucky enough i you know i just write it for myself and if you know if anybody likes it they can do what they like with it as long as they you know as long as they run it past my message first yeah that's it you're talking about how much how much of a fuck with this bloke is he goes just remember he's coming over for dinner next week oh shit and you know and i've done it you know because i you know you know the people you meet uh you know i've met you know some very funny really great people i've also met some absolute idiots you know i'm you know i mean i remember being like in los angeles it was full of them you know you go there and i remember being in a bar in los angeles and this guy was this big rock star at the time who remained nameless but i forget he's not mainly because i can't remember his name but he wrote this song called the stroke the stroke right and he's just a fucking lunatic out there you know and he was and he's trying to tell me how he was the best thing in rock and roll ever you know and he's had one song and i think i ended up sort of carrying him out by the throat and put them on the other side of the bar and just stay there and keep out of my face so you'll they'll be your last hit you know yeah you just meet idiots all the time you come across them and you just have to you have to be like recognize because a lot of people will bring something good to you i've met some people who are horrible who can write great songs yeah i've met people who are who you'd think would be complete assholes who are just geniuses and really really cool so you've got to keep an open mind and they try not to burn too many bridges when they're writing books i mean obviously this is this is something we can all enjoy thinking about in covid because no one's going anywhere but where would you say that your secret fans are outside of australia new zealand there was a lot in scotland yeah a lot of scotland yeah yeah yeah there's a new zealand is a big big part of us you know we we toured i started touring new zealand in about 1975 with cold chisel yeah and we've been going back there regular ever since sort of different crowd to australia but they do love love rock and roll they love the blues you played with played with bruce there the other day didn't you yeah we played with bruce on his last tour there yeah yeah it was really awesome i played there heaps i love i love new zealand but you know germany germany yeah germany they they love rock and roll in germany you know we go there sweden poland uh a little bit in france america you know america people people know who i am they're not sure why yeah but they know to be afraid they know enough to be afraid uh you know um but you know they've been sort of cult following there but europe is probably where cold chisel and myself sort of sold more records outside of australia you know a little bit a little bit a little bit in america but more europe germany particularly which is the second biggest rock and roll market in the world you know and they they do they have those mega festivals in germany just 300 000 people plus you know really outrageous festivals i suppose your career would have been really starting to lift as they were opening up to um in germany you know they would have um you know the war comes down and you guys were you guys but we were going there yeah and we we actually went and played in places like leebsick leebsick or whatever it's called you know which was on the other side of the wall and you go into these places and they're dull and gray and you know you can really see they've been worn down by you know by communism and bloody and the weather and there's nothing going on and you get up and play and the audience just go nuts yeah because they've been suppressed oppressed the whole time you know so suddenly they can get free and really cut loose so i mean it's it's good to see that change in the places but at the same time i've done i've done gigs and i've done gigs in in germany where you know you're sort of yeah are these guys like you know white supremacists or something you know like really well you know playing you're playing with sort of heavy metal bands and you go i think they're the wrong audience for me you know yeah so you just yeah but they're just it's a big country there's all sorts of people there and they and they just love to rock you know so you get out there and just play your music but scotland they love me because i'm you know i was born in glasgow and you go back there and the scots love every any any scotsman who's who's done well somewhere else they really love it so yeah so they sort of adopted me back again yeah yeah yeah you were born there so they can claim it but i'm sure i'm sure they'd have you even if you weren't well they're like rock and roll there too i mean they're not they've got that but i do that they're like you know well we like it here too in betuda uh jimmy we and we and we love you well invite me up i'll come and sing all right yeah we'll get you singing yeah in the local club on the way out or have you got a club yeah we do we've got heaps but um i suppose you know the next opportunity to be the uh the big red bash next year if you want to that'd be good i've done that that's really come out again yeah yeah i love it i played there a couple times that's a good spot out there with the big sand dune yeah we're two and a half hours on the most unsealed road in australia from there so um well that's great it's going to be good country yeah it's good it's good and the betuda hotel's back up and running again too so we'll um we'll keep in touch but for the meanwhile we'll be reading your book killing time by jimmy barnes all the best guys nice to talk to you you too thanks for joining us mate |
ClickHole | can_we_solve_world_hunger_with_one_big_ass_ear_of_corn | Can we solve world hunger with one big-ass zear of corn? Let's find out. First thing we'd have to do is figure out how to make one big-ass zear of corn. Normally, corn is the size of a rabbit's brain. So how do we make corn very huge in a way that is massive? There's no way to make corn grow super large naturally, so we need to resort to scientific perverts who can make the corn enormous with size. One way they might do this is by growing the corn near a gorilla wearing a sun hat and smoking a cigarette. This would cause the corn to grow as large as possible in order to impress the gorilla, which looks gorgeous in his sun hat. Once the corn is five times the size of the sun, we need to store it in outer space.
But how do we get the corn meat to all the starving people of the world? If you think the answer is Civil War cannons, you bet your ass it's Civil War cannons. Astronauts will fire the space corn from Civil War cannons and into the mouths of starving people, thereby solving world hunger. This will work well for a while, but the smell of our big-ass corn will inevitably attract crows and peacocks from neighboring planets, and they're going to eat all our corn. So there you have it. We absolutely could solve world hunger with one big-ass zear of corn, but the whole thing would get ruined by crows and peacocks. So the next time you see a crow or a peacock, be sure to chase it into the woods so that a hippo can sit on its head and kill it. |
cracked | the_only_movie_to_ever_earn_its_dramatic_teaser_trailer | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can. This is one of those no one and I mean no one had seen anything like it before ever until they did Once it took hold there was nothing that could stop it I mean it spread like wildfire if you're not gonna talk about it You're not gonna know about it. It changed the very nature of things on a cellular level It shapes our world our thoughts us there is no us without it and it without us us and it are it The importance of this disease indescribable it's in our churches in our schools in our homes and also Furthermore and only with it are we truly one it's frightening But it's also comforting they all thought that things were a certain way. They could not have been more wrong Everything you see can touch can taste is because of this in the atomic bomb penicillin carpets JFK LBJ WWF I can't think of a person who hasn't been affected by Obama Obama's life other Obama's that aren't in the public spotlight Everyone has been affected.
It's penetrative. It has its own evolution. It's in you. It's in all of us There is no denying it. It changed everything.
I Think it's safe to say that none of us would be here without it It's documentary about fucking Yeah fucking Hey, thanks for watching that video, please Subscribe to our YouTube channel if you liked it and you want to see more videos like it if you didn't like the video Hit subscribe on our YouTube channel and a message will be sent to me saying that you didn't like it And I will feel really bad. So you will hurt my feelings Just again subscribe if you liked it or if you want to hurt me kick click subscribe and I'll and that'll work Thanks |
TheOnion | Missing_Girl_Probably_Raped | If you're just joining us, we now continue our coverage of the search for Meghan Richter, the 19-year-old Indiana University sophomore who went missing two days ago. We go now to Alan Fisher, live on the Indiana University campus. Alan, are there any new developments in this case? Jean-Anne, I'm afraid not. Police are saying they still have no leads on what may have happened to Meghan Richter. Was she abducted? Was she raped? Authorities are saying they still don't know. Thank you, Alan. The abduction and likely rape of Meghan Richter has officials searching frantically for clues. As of yet, we have no idea how terrible this story will turn out.
Joining us live now are Meghan's parents, Marge and Leo Richter. Meghan certainly has the smile of an angel. Thank you. A smile that may not be shining right now. With a daughter so pretty, one can't help but assume that she's being raped. We have full faith that she's going to come home and everybody's searching for her. You know, we trust that. I'm being told that university officials are allowing our cameras into Meghan's dorm room right now.
Alan, have the police found any evidence of forced entry? Strangely, no, Jean-Anne. No broken windows a man might have climbed through, no blood on the sheets or hair caught on the bed frame. And this is particularly interesting. There is no semen sprayed on the walls, no fingernail scratch marks. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this doesn't necessarily mean that there wasn't a rape. Jean-Anne, I'm afraid not.
The authorities here have not confirmed that Meghan was not taken to a remote strip of woods, a dank basement where she was brutally, viciously and repeatedly raped. Does anyone have any idea what might have happened to her? Jean-Anne, for all we know, she could be alive, but barely. She could be half-conscious or drugged or her mutilated body could be hidden by her attacker. The worst case scenario remains that she is dead, raped to death by her merciless assailant.
Marge and Leo, this must be so painful for you to see. I don't believe that anything like that has happened. Of course, of course. Perhaps she was merely wrapped in plastic, tied up with duct tape and thrown into a nearby lake. Would that give you comfort? Please bring my daughter back, whatever it takes. Thank you.
Her grisly murder and rape at the hands of a crazed psychopath may never come to light. We'll keep you up to date on this horrifying case as the story unfolds. |
cracked | game_of_thrones_is_shipping_the_best_creepiest_couple_ep6_beyond_the_wall_got_review_reaction | Hey everybody, welcome to Winner is Taking Forever, the show where we recap Game of Thrones, the show that you know, at least a little bit. This is the second to last, the penultimate episode of this season. And usually in this series, the second to last episode is where everything happens.
Did anyone else feel like in those opening few scenes, I was like, you're going to start a boy band. Again, it's because I think they've run out of time where it's just like, well now you and I got to split off and have a moment and like, now we're cool. All right, now you and I, all right, now we're cool and just like all these like, very quickly just like getting it out of the way. We're friends now, it was fun. It was cool for Jon to meet Jorah finally, because he had all that history with the old bear mormont and then giving him the sword and everything. Jon Snow and Beric, I want to say, they stop immediately together and in my head I was like, one of you should be like, no. We're at a time table, we've got to stop, we've got to drag a dead dude in a long way. They're both like, no, no, no, we need to stop and both agree that we need to protect the world. Yeah.
Beric, who was the cheerfulness I've ever seen him in that scene, he's like, yeah, I've died however many times, it's awesome. He loses Thoros. Loses dude. And it's still fun. He lost William Hurt. I forgot to realize until after it happened.
I was witnessing a conversation between two zombies. There's like eight types of zombies in Game of Thrones.
Yeah, and they're one. They're one and the same. They're the same guy. They're the same, yeah.
The Hound at one point, at Seth's tomb, he's like, you lost your priest, this is your last life. Then he's like, yeah, I'm excited about the prospect of dying. Every time he gets brought back, he loses a little bit more of himself. So he's just, so he's not, not quite so happy, kind of lobotomized.
Yeah. Let's fucking fight these ace villains. Okay, let's talk about the Winter girls now. So we spent a lot of time beyond the wall in this episode, but we do return to Winterfell for a little bit to see Arya and Sansa in their sort of conflict that's been going on of two sisters that definitely hate each other, even though maybe they should bond over their shared pain. And like, everybody knows that Littlefinger is full of shit and bad. Or at the very least, like, at the very least is like not to be trusted. Right, yes, yeah. My favorite character.
But the Arya stuff struck me as weird for two reasons, and it's, the first reason is that we haven't had a sense that her hatred of Sansa has been like simmering this entire time because we really haven't seen it since season one exactly when they were just butting heads. It's weird because it doesn't feel earned, and I guess it's just the sense because we haven't seen these two characters together in seven years. The other thing that's strange is the main thing that we've learned from, the main thing that Arya has learned on her entire story arc as, you know, she's become more self-reliant, learned how to be a face man, everything. She learned about shades of gray, like she learned about everything's not necessarily black and white.
Like, she rides with a hound for a while, she takes him off her list. She didn't kill the Lannister soldiers. She didn't kill one of her soldiers at the beginning of the season, she didn't kill the actress she was supposed to kill.
She has her own morality. Yeah, she has learned that not everything is as simple as, you are my enemy therefore you must be destroyed. She has shown that she understands that there's nuance to things. Right.
Everyone treats Arya because she's a beloved character and actress, but no one brings up that she's a crazy person who cuts faces off. She's a crazy murderer. So, like, the idea of her being a moral vigilante and like having like, yeah, I have my own moral code, everyone's like, yeah, that's super reasonable. But no one really talks about how like, oh, is this unreasonable? Person who had been proving for seven seasons that she's kind of unreasonable and kind of like, roguish.
I knew it wasn't wrong. The rules were wrong. Is she going to disagree with her sister about a random shit? That's like, that feels weird. Okay, yeah, that's true. She does have a history of getting herself into lots of trouble over making snap decisions.
Yeah, just wait a minute. Just like, I'm going to kill you. Okay. I'm going to make a pie out of you.
Her bag of faces was great though. I really want to see the scene where after she like, cuts. I want her to cut a face off while I'm watching, just because I want to be like, yeah, you for real do that, you crazy person. But then she has to like, watch the backside where all the tissues and shred it and like, make it nice and polished.
It's just like, what? And be with magic, I guess. I guess, because like, the eyes were clearly like shut. So how do you like, you like, you put it on your eyelids? It's magic, bro.
By the way, I mean, I'm jumping ahead, but to the end of the episode, while we're talking about like, silly magic, there's a discrepancy that the internet is found out about, which is that, how does the Night Kings like, turn you into a white zombie? I think it's zombie rules. Yeah. So there's a difference between like, the zombies and then like, the blue eyed, blue eyes are touch. So like, the baby got touched, turned into a blue eyed. I think that could be full of shit. Explain it to us in the comments. I'm fairly certain because like, even the like, the brainless guy got hit with a rock There was a skeleton, that's just a zombie that got bit, died, and like, was risen.
But like, the actual like, the white walkers and the dragon, that is like, I have to touch you. Like, you're a baby, you're a dragon.
He spends good magic. That's why the bear had blue eyes. He was like, I'm gonna use some of the good magic. My other favorite thing about the Night King is when the dragon shows up, he just is, he doesn't even like blink.
He's just like, all right, I got something for that. He just had a guy ready, like a caddy, just ready for this.
Right, right, it's just like, yo, spear, spear. It's Viserion that dies, and he bleeds a lot. Like that was a very effective spear.
Someone mentioned earlier today, there's a lot of deus ex, you know, like dragons, deus ex, Benjen. Benjen shows up again. Yeah, and he's just basically plot development. There's also like, a lot of like deus ex, like, fuck ups.
Jon's like, ah, I'm gonna fight some zombies for a while. Right, where he clearly has a fear. He didn't mean to fight those zombies.
We had enough time for this. Right. Jon Drogon takes off, he knocks all those fucking zombies back. And then the same thing with Benjen, where he's like, go, he's like, get it, there's no time. Yeah, there is. There's super time, man. They're over there right now. You haven't seen Jon in seven years. We're on a horse. Yeah. Like one issue that I think we all sort of share with it is the, like, we've talked about the pacing a lot, but specifically, I think this episode was maybe the worst example of it, because the tension of the events was lost because of the way they pasted out, where like you have, oh, these characters, oh no, the zombies, the zombies are coming. They're gonna get on this island, okay, now they're gonna wait, and they're sending a raven to get Daenerys. So the entire episode, I know, okay, so they're gonna wait for a while, and then eventually Daenerys is gonna show up and blow everybody up with fire, and then even when Jon, like, falls in the lake, like, okay, well, Jon's not gonna die. He's the guy that doesn't die. We had a whole scene earlier about this, so he's gonna be fine, and we know that he gets out, Benjen comes in, saves him, and he goes off, and then we have Daenerys on the wall looking out and going, no, we have to wait another minute. It's like, wait as long as you want. Jon's definitely coming back. He's Jon Snow. There's no suspense there for the events that are gonna happen. Yeah.
I thought it would've been cooler to have him ride the other dragon out, because then it'd be really cool. Oh, because he's, you know, he's Targaryen, and then he's gonna be one of the dragon like, if he had been able to get on top of the other dragon, I was expecting that.
Right. You're literally the Song of Ice and Fire. Get on a track. So, let's get into the hot goss.
For real, Dany is totally crushing on Jon. There was, like, so many shots of, like, hands touching it. But even, like, the Tyrion and Dany scene, where they're, like, by the fire, literally, like, gossiping about, like, so, like, Jon totally likes you, and she's, like, giggling about it.
Yeah. And, like, she was super weepy in that scene where he's, like, there was a lot of really cool parts of that scene, because, like, she sees that he's, like, totally f***ed up. Oh, that was great. So, she's, like, oh, the thing that was a callback from a few episodes ago, that totally happened. You totally died.
And so, she's realizing that, so she understands how selfless he is. She saw the White Walkers, one of her dragons slash children died. So, she's got a lot of motionally going on, and she's just, like, weeping, and it seems like the dominant form of, like, the weepiness, or, like, when she really, like, Emilia Clarke actually, like, leans into it, is, like, I'm worried for you. Please survive. Like, I miss you, which is the newest of all of those concerns, the newest thing in her life. So, they're, like, obviously, these scenes where they're, like, I f***ing all through the season are, like, very effective to her, apparently, to the narrative. Like, she really... Really cares.
Definitely thought that Dany was gonna die in this episode. There was, like, a moment. Yeah. Even though I know she's got plot armor, just like Jon Snow, I was, like, this might be the most, like, George R.R. Martin moment that could ever happen is right when everything is lined up, and no one is really, like, Thoris Mere died, but, like, there should've been a lot more death. Yeah, they had a lot of red shirts. And I was, like, they were holding back, and then when the Night King, like, grabbed that spear, I was, like, why go for just a random dragonfly, and why not go for, like, the f*** part? So, there was that one moment where I was, like, you know what? I think they're gonna kill off Dany or kill off Jon Snow, and it's just gonna, like, throw the rest of the episodes out of whack, and everyone's gonna be, like, losing their s***. Yeah. And that would, of course, be the perfect Game of Thrones thing. Right.
I think that's actually a good example of how Game of Thrones isn't as subversive of the, like, traditional narrative as it's sort of claimed to be for so long. Well, it can't be at this point, like, it's gone on for too long. So, like, in the early seasons, it still could be, because we still weren't sure who the main storylines were gonna be, so we could just take a character away and be like, oh, well, what happened? But now that we're getting to the end stretch of it, it's, like... Oh, no. Jon's a hero. Yeah, you kind of, otherwise, you just, you wouldn't have much of a story. Right, and even, like, you look back and you're like, okay, oh, I can't believe they killed Ned Stark.
Well, yeah, he's Obi-Wan. Speaking of all the stuff we just talked about, predictions! I think we're gonna finally find out, like, officially find out, like, I think probably Bran will give this information, that Jon is a Targaryen. Yes. Yeah. And also, his mom is his aunt, and his mom is who he thinks is his aunt, and his crush is his aunt. I think they're gonna convince Cersei to fight the Night King with them. That's gonna happen. Or is at least gonna be the scene where Ned is... I think so. So they're all gonna meet in this area and, like, talk about the real problem, and then Cersei's gonna just blow everyone up. Right. Sure style.
Then the show will be over. Stranger things have happened. The twist is, there's no final season.
Right. Wall's probably coming down. Yes. That is, in fact, I'm calling it right now, that is the final shot. Yeah, the last thing we'll see is the Wall coming down. Right before it cuts to credits, it's gonna be the Wall coming down. Come on, guys.
It's gonna be... Fucking metal as shit.
Hey, everybody. Thanks for watching. Make sure to subscribe by clicking the big C in the middle of your screen, and also hit the bell icon to get notifications, and also other stuff. I can keep talking?
No. |
dropout | csi_scooby_doo | All right, what do we got? Victim was raped, beaten, murdered, then super raped. Jesus H. Mary and Joseph, born in a manger, read the Bible Christ. It's hard to tell under all that blood and semen, but it's definitely Velma. I'd recognize that bull haircut anywhere. It's like a possible two-man job. Better round up Hannah, Barbara, and the Warner Brothers. I want their semen samples in my hand right now.
I think we got a suspect here. Uh, sorry officer. He's with us. Okay, like you were awfully quick to accuse me, man. Like I think you're the killer. Take it easy, Shaggy.
Like, let's see who you really are.
Like, oh my god, I'm freaking out, man. I'm having a real hard time here, man.
It's okay, Raggy. It's okay. Hey gang, we just found our first clue. Looks like a broken dog collar. That's not right. Over there. I'm on it, man. Oh, sorry. Nice work, gang.
Hey, Scooby. Sorry you had to murder your nephew. But I think somebody deserves a Scooby snack. Scooby Dooby Doo!
All units respond. Major homicide involving the Harlem Globetrotters. Sounds like the Globetrotters were playing a new game. And it ended in... Sudden death. |
dropout | prank_war_4_streeter_bombs | Hello.
We're here at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York City, where an open mic comedy festival is about to begin. None of that is correct. It's an open mic comedy show.
It's not a festival. This is a friend of mine, Pete Holmes. It's a big festival. He's the host of the festival tonight. Who wants fried dough? It's a festival! It's like Hanukkah.
And, uh, he will tell jokes. We're gonna have him go up. And we're going, I'm going to tell the audience not to laugh at any of his jokes. No laughing. Pete has allowed me to do this because...
Well, you shouldn't mess with others, because I think it was pretty blow blow. It's a low blow. As blows go, it was on the low side.
Basically, Pete pities me so much that he will allow me to borderline ruin his comedy show for the sake of getting Streeter back. He's like a little gentleman that you dress in a corduroy jacket and put on your mantle and make him say sarcastic things to you.
Just, yeah, that hurt. Just how mad?
You can't mess with this. This is Pete Holmes. This is the show. Streeter's gonna hang.
Andy Bloom, everybody. All right, you guys.
Very, very funny. One of the best working stand-up comedians in New York City. One of my personal favorites.
You know him from College Humor. College Humor.
Everybody got a name? Give it up for that. Great comic. Give it up.
My buddy, Streeter Sondhaler. Streeter, everybody. Streeter, Streeter.
Hey-o! All right. Cool.
Is everyone high? Must be high. It's 420.
All right. Let me start this again. You're moving up. Hi. Hello. Wow.
What did you say before? Did you say something about me? I don't know. You, uh, no?
All right. Okay.
Um, so 420. Weed. Uh, I remember, um, I remember a few years ago there was this, I remember this commercial, this like anti-pot commercial that was like, uh, it was this kid and he was at a party and smoking and, um, and, uh, he goes and he sits down next to this girl on the couch and, uh, and he rates her. And it was like, don't smoke pot. Make bad decisions. But there was like a fake, there was a really, a bad flaw because there was like this big bowl of chips, like on a table next to the couch and you know that kid was going to be like, oh man, that chick is a whole shit Doritos.
Okay. Because you guys didn't like it. Loser. Thank you. All right. And, uh, speaks the truth. Uh, I guess I'll talk about that. Why not? Um, so, uh, as our friend here pointed out, I'm a little, uh, poorly. Um, and- Fat. Yeah. Thanks. Can I finish my joke or? All right.
Uh, I'm a little large and I wasn't always like this. I was like a really skinny kid. Uh, and I remember as I was getting fatter, I kind of looked at- You're fat.
Yeah. Thanks. Can we all just agree? I'm fat. Great. All right. That's- All right.
So I'm looking back and, uh, and I was like, how did I get this way? What happened?
Come on. Because it's like, maybe you guys will like this joke. Maybe I'll like this one.
Uh, so I was like looking back. Um, oh, and I was in my kitchen and I saw there was like these, uh, all these like eating jars of peanut butter. And I was like, because I couldn't, uh, get my- You're fucking fat.
Yeah. All right. It takes a lot of fucking courage to sit in that dark fucker. Peanut butter or some shit. You guys, um- You can eat great, bitch. So, everyone's talking about gun control right now. Yeah. Everyone's like- Juice. All right. You know what, dude?
Fuck this. Fuck you and fuck this. I don't need this shit.
Greeter, everybody.
Give it up for him. Give it up for him right now.
Yeah. Hey, you suck. Streeter. Dude, did you fucking see that? Yeah.
Streeter, I told him not to laugh. All right. I'm serious. I told Pete Holmes to tell the audience not to laugh before he got here. That's why I'm videotaping it. I don't know if I want to believe you or if I don't because I thought- I'm serious. I did.
Fuck. Fuck you.
Dude, that's a- I feel really bad, but then I think about how many people have called me Andy Bloom in the past couple days. Oh, dude. This is a different fucking- I was just fucking alive. Oh.
So, did you go up and say not to laugh at me? Pete did it before you got here. Dude, that's not fucking cool. Don't- there could have been fucking- I don't know. There could have been fucking industry people there.
I don't know, dude. Dude, I don't know. Dude, fucking- it's the UCU. I don't know who's there.
It's an open mic. Oh, come on. Don't make me feel bad. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kenan_thompson_and_bowen_yang_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, this was a terrible week for the world, but a great week for random idiots who like to share completely unhinged thoughts wherever they can. And weirdly, it's not even on social media anymore. I saw a thousand-word essay called how I'd Fix Palestine, and it was posted in a Yelp review of a Buffalo Wild Wings. even world leaders who could be making it better are making it worse. for example, former President Trump went out of his way to praise the terrorist group Hezbollah, calling them, quote, very smart, though in Trump's defense, he thinks Hezbollah is the genie from Aladdin.
Lafonza Butler was sworn in as California's newest senator, becoming the first openly black woman in Congress. um, you mean second, said George Santos. Congressmen George Santos, seen here in a promo for a pawn shop reality show, was indicted on federal charges, including conspiracy, wire fraud, and identity theft. he was also indicted for reckless homicide when that button shot off his jacket and killed a bystander. New Jersey senator and most successful member of the Lollipop Guild, Bob Menendez, was indicted on new charges, accusing him of accepting bribes from Egypt. Menendez denied the allegations, calling them as over the top as my new bejeweled Scarab. Republicans on Friday nominated Jim Jordan to be the next House Speaker. Jordan is best known for denying the 2020 election results, looking the other way on an Ohio State sexual abuse scandal, and for his role as anger in Inside Out.
Playboy has cut ties with porn star Mia Khalifa after she expressed support for Hamas. See, Lord, I was googling her for work. In a new interview, in a new interview, Jada Pinkett Smith reveals that she and Husband Will Smith have actually been separated since 2016, ironically, after he suggested that she should star in G.i. Jane, too. I was telling you what happened. a public library in Alabama has flagged a children's picture book as potentially sexually explicit, just because the author's last name is gay. though, to be fair, the book is titled Gays Porn for Kids.
This past Monday was Indigenous Peoples Day, and cities around the country are still divided on what to do about their statues of Christopher Columbus. here comment is: Christopher Columbus. Yeah, Chair and Michael, it's great to discover America. I don't know about that, but hi, Christopher. I was going to say it's great to have you, but I'm not sure what it is. Oh, come on, Michael. you are my second favorite comedian. who's your first? Sebastian Maniscalco. you know, most people don't know this, but he's Italian. like me?
And I just wanted to say, you take the statues down. it's ok. I'm ok with it. you want them to take down your statues? I mean, it was 1492. that's like 100 years ago. And plus, I just hate the way the statues look.
I don't even pose like that. well, how do you pose? Oh, you know, just natural like this. or, um, like this. or, um, uh, uh, like this. ooh, you know, that's more than me. that's more my vibe. Also, I am just a little embarrassed. I thought this was Asia. Ok, isn't that kind of cringe? You want the statue of a guy who thought this was Asia?
I mean, I didn't even mean to discover America. Well, you didn't. Well, I feel like I did. And my feelings are valid, No? Don't go there, man. you of all people.
I mean, honestly, Michael, I only came to America because I was looking for the spice. for spice? Yes, Michael, for spice. you don't know the spice? like the show Hot Ones? where someone like a Dj Khaled eat it. it's more and more spice. Yes, I know hot ones.
I discovered that. No, you didn't. I discovered all sorts of things. electricity, Tex-mex, jazz. please explain to me how you discovered jazz. I watched a movie called La La Land. Yes. jazz already existed, man. Yes, but I discovered Michael. you know Boy Genius? the band with Phoebe Bridgers who sings the song Emily I'm Sorry? Ok, see, Michael Chen know Boy Genius, wow. I long ago see three queer girls opening for Taylor Swift. and I say, you, you, you, go make sad little gay song, Go. so you didn't discover them either? Yes, I did. I discovered them on my big boat. your what? my boat. that go on the water, the ocean blow. they were a theorem finding Nima. what's so hard to understand?
Marco. Michael. Marco Che. Michael Che.
And I discovered you, Marco Che. I remember it was at Caroline's on Broadway. I was eating the wings with the spice. they gave you the light. you kept going for 45 minutes. come on, Christopher. you remember you did your bit about gentrification, which I also discovered. yeah, you did invent that. Thank you, Marco. Now, I do have one query. tell me more about this ice spice. she's a rapper. she just discovered. she just discovered. Oh, that's right. I discovered. Thank you, Marco Che. it's great to be back in the A's.
Thank you. scientists in Europe are studying a skeleton that they say is rewriting the history of syphilis. the skeleton is better known by its stage name, Russell Brand. he has become the first state in the country to issue Ebony alerts when a black child goes missing. Here with more on, this is Colin Jost. it's the first show. Oh, read the card. Yeah. California has become the first state in the country to enact Ebony alerts to help find missing black children. And I'll save you some time. they're not with their fathers. Oh, you like that? Well, here's another. Well, I can't wait. California has become like that. we restate it. California has become the first state in the country to issue Ebony alerts when a black child does missing and hopefully the police find them before I do.
Oh, some rough jokes, Colin. the second largest Hindu temple in the world has opened in New Jersey. Hindu leaders believe the temple ended up in New Jersey because it did something terrible in a former life. a fisherman in Texas sent a new world record after he caught a 280-pound alligator garfish.
And like everything caught in Texas, it was immediately bused to New York City. yesterday was national no-broad day and boy was I dizzy. a new study finds that 53% of dog owners in the U.s. question whether the rabies vaccine is safe for their pets because they heard it could cause paucism. Alaska Airlines says that it's created a new coffee blend for passengers that tastes better when the plane is in the air, while Spirit Airlines has created a special moonshine they give out when they have to land upside down.
Well, one of the most exciting stories in college football is the Colorado Buffaloes who have had a remarkable turnaround thanks to their coach to sport legend Dion Sanders. here to comment is: Dion Sanders. Like that black dad joke. You know what I'm saying? we just keep winning, man. every game, every minute, we winning that life. Yeah. yeah. well, you're also four and three, so you have lost a few. Colin. look at me, man. What about me makes you think that I care about what you think about me? you don't understand that. My team has it all, man. Coaching Genius, Offense explosive, defense trying. it's a complete package, man. Yeah. well, millions of people are watching your games. you've obviously turned the program around, but it's not perfect.
I mean, just last night, you lost to Stanford and double overtime. wasn't that crazy? Man, we were up 29 and nothing after half, so I went home and fell asleep. I woke up this morning shocked as anyone, But come on, man. nobody's perfect.
Name one team that's undefeated. Okay. well, there's Georgia, right? Michigan, Ohio State, that's another one, Florida State, forgot about them, Oklahoma, sure, Penn State, indeed, Washington, good team, North Carolina, Tar Heels, Air Force, and see, that's exactly my point.
What is your point? Colin, look at me, man. to me, coaching is a higher calling. right. That's right. you started coaching a career right at Jackson State, which is an Hbc or historically Black college, right? Very good, Colin.
You know, I truly believe that God called me there and he said, this is your destiny. right, and then three years later, you went to Chicago. I mean, it's just Colorado. Yes, that's right, because God called me again and was like, my bad. And then he showed me the promised land of Colorado. I had these visions, Colin, a place where there was white people, like every single person was white. I know not many people know this, but Colorado is an Hwcu or historically White college. kind of like where you went, Colin.
Well, I mean, I mean, Harvard is pretty diverse, you know. look at me, man. Now, look at Chase. Now, look at the audience. Now, look at my fingers.
Colin, we unstoppable, man. we've only lost three games. I can't even think of a team that's lost fewer than that.
Missouri. one more. Byu. two more. Tulane. three more. Iowa. four more.
Miami of Ohio. All right, you can stop now. Colin, some teams might have a better record, but we're getting paid. nil deals, baby.
It's like I said when I was the musical guest on this very show back in 95. look at this. must be the money. yeah, really, really nice moves. Colin, look at me. look at the whole time. name a more iconic musical guest on Snl.
Okay, okay, okay. But after them, and like maybe the next 300, it's probably time, baby. it sure is. Dion Sanders, everyone. Yeah, look at me. we got a new date.
I'm Colin Jones. I'm Michael J. Goodnight. |
dropout | Filming_Your_Pregnancy_Announcement | What's this, babe? Open it, Bryce. It's not my birthday. Just open it.
Jesus Christ. Did my son get someone pregnant? Um, no, dumbass. I'm pregnant.
It's like you're old, so it's just like a really great joke. Like, I'm like the young cute mom, and you're like the really, really old dad.
Whatever. Holy shit. We're having a kid.
Okay, no. First off, I'm not recording, so I need you to save that energy for the camera. And second off, I just have like a couple tweaks to your reaction. How do you want me to react? Are there dads like cry and shit? What am I doing wrong that you're not crying? Do you not love me? Like maybe do you want me to lose a baby or something? What, babe? No! Okay, because like last I checked, I am carrying your child. The least you could do is shed a few tears so I can get featured in a Facebook video with some subtitles. Babe, I'm sorry, okay?
It was hard to be organic with the camera in my face, but I'm here now. We're having a baby. Wait, this is actually really good energy.
Save it. Did you buy multiples? Yeah, for multiple takes. Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you think that Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman just like nailed Black Swan in one take? Uh, no. It takes practice to be that hot of lesbians.
Yeah, okay. I guess we could do it again. Uh, what's this, babe? Open it, Gracie. Uh, it's not my birthday. Just open it. Oh, oh my god. I'm gonna be a dad. Keep doing it.
Uh, number one grandpa. That's really, really funny because I'm old. The joke is that I'm old.
On command? Cry. I'm not an actor. I don't know what to think about. You're like old and you're gonna die soon. Okay, cut! Babe, I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying my best here.
Can't we just celebrate and be happy? Yeah, like we can.
And we can also not be featured in BuzzFeed's Cutest Proposals and Promposals of 2020. What's a promposal?
Jesus Christ, you are so old. You know what? We are a finito here. Babe, come on. We're having a child together. Like maybe we are.
I don't know who the father is. You know, like we're not official. You haven't asked me to be your girlfriend. I'm an adult. I don't do that.
Oh. What? Babe, are you serious? Are you cheating on me? No, I just said that to manipulate you. Use it.
Action! I'm so happy! |
SaturdayNightLive | moisturizing_facial_cream_and_rock_a_billy_lady_party_snl | Hello. my name is Jamila Lo Rose-lapurkins. and I'm Lynn Doot. And we know what you're thinking. Wow. those ladies have flawless, milky skin. And they also look like they could rock out and jam to rock music. They make themselves. that's why we're so excited to introduce our revolutionary new facial cream. and our revolutionary rockabilly Cd. You're going to love them both.
Why? because they're not sold separately. Why? Because they're not, Okay? this cream locks in moisture and fights fine lines.
And this instrumental rockabilly music really rocks the jam. what are they talking about? this. this. sounds great. absorbs. you'll see results in just two weeks from the music. you'll see results in five to six weeks from the cream. But know that each container only has four weeks worth of cream.
Oh, no. you better go ahead and buy two creams. But the good news is you'll get another Cd with a second cream. two creams so you won't run out. And two Cds. one for you and one for your car. or your friend. But if your friend likes the Cd, she's eventually gonna ask you about the cream it came with. And just know that with that cream, you're going to get another Cd. or more. So remember, every time you get a cream, there'll be at least one Cd in there as well. Now, if you call right away and order three creams, we're gonna throw in a free Cd. you'll be getting three creams and four Cds. However, once you open the cream, you cannot return the Cd. But if you open the Cd, you can return unopened creams. and you'll get a free Cd. So, basically, you're always going to be out creamed by your Cds. Meaning you'll always have more Cds than cream.
They get it. So, pick up your phone and ask for a cream by name. it's called Rockabilly Lady Party. And our Cd is called Moisturizing Facial Cream. did we mean to do that? Maybe. Or maybe there was a mistake at the printers. maybe someone warned someone not to use that printer. maybe someone could have checked. maybe someone would have, but they were too busy watching their friends two-year-old all the time. You love Beth. Yes, I do. but she's a lot. So, call now. one operator is standing by. and get ready to look good and rock out. because you kind of have to. Meaning they're not sold separately. they get it, Chamela Rose. Cream and Cd sold separately. |
dropout | the_kindle_3 | I used to hate reading. I really hate it.
But there's something about this Kindle III that really brings books to life. I never had the patience to read Romeo and Juliet before, but now I can't put it down. Did you know John Luke Wazamo's in this book? The Kindle III really condenses my reading time. I mean, I just read the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in nine hours. I had to read Beowulf for English Lint, so I read it in 3D.
Oh! Finally, I found a way to get these guys to read. How's Captain Matt? Like Mars is a terrible author. I didn't know Fast and the Furious was a book. No, sorry, I can't hear you. I'm reading. |
cracked | 1_11_08_news_on_cracked_douchebaggery_pam_anderson_etc | It's Friday, January 11, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I've just proven that I know the date, the title of this show, and my own name. I'm very proud.
According to a new survey of teen sexual attitudes, a quote, substantial minority of 15-year-olds has had sexual intercourse. The substantial minority in question, of course, is Big Tawana O'Malley Rodriguez.
Oh, no, we didn't. Yeah. Yeah, we did. Apologies, by the way, to those of you disappointed by our Wednesday short show.
It was as short as Tom Cruise is...is. See, originally we were going to say it was as short as Tom Cruise is gay. But Cracked.com's lawyers have advised us that regardless of how many men Tom has had sexual intercourse with, Tom Cruise is not now, nor has he ever been gay. See, it's funny. I'm laughing because Tom Cruise is totally gay. Speaking of Tom Cruise...
It's the week in Douchebaggery. Virginia is for lovers, and Fridays are for douchebags. Here's the list. Douchebag number five, Roger Clemens. Not for steroids. Everyone in baseball and their mother, seen here, has done steroids.
But few have denied it so laughably poorly as Roger has. I don't know if I can defend myself. Douchebag number four, some random Katrina victim. He's filed a three quadrillion, fourteen trillion, one hundred seventy billion, three hundred eighty nine million, one hundred seventy six thousand, four hundred ten dollar lawsuit in response to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers' failure to prevent the Hurricane Katrina disaster back in 2005. That's roughly one dollar for every take it took me to get that number right.
Is it too soon? Is it too soon for that kind of joke? No. Come on, it's been days since that lawsuit was filed. Moving on.
Douchebag number three, Dr. Phil. He's douchebaggy enough in general, and of course he's extra douchebaggy this week, since his shenanigans managed to make us feel sorry for a certain shaved pop starlet whose name we've promised never to mention again on this show. But the reason Dr. Phil is making the list this week is because the news on Cracked is sick and tired of him trying to steal Wilford Brimley's look. Douchebag number two, Pamela Anderson.
She's busy denying rumors that she's in fact pregnant. Frankly, Pam, I already have a hard enough time thinking about your vagina without picturing Tommy Lee's sperm and your syphilis tainted fluids dripping out. Now I have to picture an entire goddamn baby too? It's not mine, right? It shouldn't be. I mean, most of the time we use protection. And I think that other way you can't get...
Anyway, douchebag number one, Mike Huckabee. We've already reported on the news on Cracked about how Huckabee's name rhymes with Schmuckleby. But since his appearance on David Letterman's Late Show last week, Huckabee has mentioned several times when reporters will listen that if he wins this election, it'll be because of his appearance on the Late Show, and if he loses this election, it'll be because of appearance on Dave's Show. Man, this writer strike is getting more and more painful. Clearly, Huckabee is writing his own material. Next thing you know, he'll be going on the Today Show to tell the joke about the liberal, the Jew, and the rich guy who went into a bar, and that's just the first guy.
And that's just the week in douchebaggery. It's the week in douchebaggery. Love that song. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Monday, or you'll have nothing to look forward to all weekend long. |
dropout | What_s_So_Funny | Must be a thread I'm not on. Hey, Allie, what's so funny? Oh my god, I'm crying. Hiding. Oh man, this thread makes my day every day. What? My day made every day? At least Grant's out of the loop too. Grant, check the thread. This is very funny, and we're better friends because of it. This is about me.
Everyone's laughing at me. I don't know what it's about, but everyone is laughing at me.
Oh, this chat is out of control, you guys. I knew you would specifically love it. You guys get me. Everyone's laughing at little Lily, huh? Well, two could play at this game. Hey, Lily, can we keep the writer's channel strictly business? Yeah, second it. It's a little cluttered.
Also, that was incredibly rude, and you owe Allie an apology. Oh, I'm sorry.
Why am I excluded from the fun chat? Are you all laughing at me? If you're not laughing at me, why am I not in the chat? Because I don't touch me. Laugh at Lily, you know? Why are you all mocking me?
Yahoo, CEO alert. Hey, I'm just dropping in to let you scamps know what a hearty chuckle I had thanks to the group chat today. Raises for everyone in the group chat.
Oh, yeah. That's it. Oh, yeah, I want a hug. Oh, my goodness.
You all pushed me to this, okay? I didn't want to do it, but I'm going to look at one of your screens. I deserve to know what everyone is bullying me about. No, no, no, no, no. What is that? It's the photo of a boy from the Sixth Sense asking Bruce Willis if he wants to see his teeth, and he says, no, not really, so he just kind of shows him his teeth. I am so sorry. I was getting so paranoid because I thought you guys were making fun of me because I wasn't in the thread. I'm sorry, CEO. Actually, it's okay. I'm still very rich. Boy, do I have egg on my face. Why didn't you guys send it to me? Because we hate you.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five times one. |
cracked | wonder_woman_has_changed_the_dc_universe_spoilers | Tom and I saw Wonder Woman. We sure did. We have adult jobs.
Yeah, man. In the name of all that is good, your wrath upon this world is over. It's really good. Yeah. DC did it. Yeah, easily. Easily the best DC movie, I'll say, since probably The Dark Knight. Yeah.
Are we counting this? Is that still DC EU? I guess, I mean, they're all DC characters, but the DC EU movies?
Definitely the best of those. It's clearly better than Man of Steel or Batman vs. Superman. It's so good that it makes the other two movies better by association.
And also worse, when you think about them.
It was fun to watch, which is a new thing that DC is doing. New territory for DC. It started off with a new, you know how Marvel does their intro where they show Marvel Entertainment and it shows comic panels and everything. They did a new one this time. It looked more like a Marvel intro sequence and then they get into the movie and it still has like, it was like a good mix of DC's kind of like moodiness and Marvel's more colorful fun-ness. They did the Marvel thing in the beginning where it's very bright and colorful. And then they did the DC thing towards Act 2.
Right, when we're at night in Germany. It starts off in Themyscira, which is like this gorgeous mythical island.
They get into London and they make a joke about it, which I think is in the trailer. They sail into London and she's like, it's hideous. And it's all like grey and sh**y.
And it's the washed out monochromatic, like blue grey gun metal look that we've sort of come to expect from like realistic movies and like superhero movies. There's a lot of similarities with the first Captain America movie, obviously, because it's a period piece. You have a superhero fighting in one of the great wars. And they have a couple of the same beats. Like in Captain America, he's got like the Howling Commandos that all look ridiculous.
Like, what's his name? He's wearing that hilarious bowler hat. You're like, okay.
And in this movie, they sort of had the same sort of merry band of miscreants that follow Wonder Woman and Chris Pine into battle. They, at no point, trust Wonder Woman. Like her little merry band. At no point, or at least Chris Pine is always like, you have to stay back.
Yeah, it takes him like six times after she like explodes a building with her power and she's still like, this one's not for you. And I'm like, no, it's all for her. She can do this. She's a god. You get this, right? It takes him an embarrassingly long time to figure, oh, right. She's f**king superhuman.
Her arc is like discovering that the world is not just straight up good and straight up evil. And then there's not like a great influencer that makes people do bad things sometimes. Like war is just bad. But they're kind of like, that's where this movie kind of gets a little bit driven and falls apart a little bit. Like it's still, it doesn't break the movie for you, but she fights Ares is the main villain and like the idea of war and the whole thing is once she kills Ares, men will revert to good.
They're totally good now and there's no more war and everything's happy. All the German soldiers around them are like, like they snap out of like a fugue state and they're like, they start hugging at each other.
It's like, well, that's clearly not what happens. Another delightful part of the movie. What's that? And I hope it doesn't get missed. Baby Wonder Woman. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, what a cutie.
Just a baby one leering hungrily at every instance of violence. She's like, I can't wait to fucking fight someone. I know, she's a little bit of a psychopath if we think too much about it. She really is just waiting for war to happen and like really wants to kill someone. She's just watching all these warriors fight and doing her little cute superhero moves. No one stops her and no one thinks it's weird that this little kid just wants a fucking war to happen. Like she just wants to fuck it up. Like she doesn't have a pet because she'd kill it.
There was an idea in my head like, oh, there's a baby on this island. But all the women seem to be of the same age.
So what age do you stop growing? When you stop aging? Because they're all immortal. Do you just grow up? And then when you reach like your best looking at 50, that's when you stop. You're like, I'm at my peak.
Does this island of like 50 year old women just have to deal with an eight year old running around all the time? Because I also kind of want to see that movie. Oh, but she stops aging at eight? Yeah, there's just a child running around this island all the time forever. Like at 18 months. Now you have forever, baby.
So I don't know about you. I'm terribly catching twists. It's one of the things I'm worst at in addition to finding my car in parking garages and spotting twists in movies. They're related actually. This is a spoiler. Where's my car?
And the rest of us know. And no one else does. That makes a lot of sense.
Professor Lupin being the main villain after we're following this. They make you think it's Danny Houston the whole time. He's an evil German. He's a mustache twirling German villain without a mustache. He's just Danny Houstoning. Yeah, he's very clearly the villain. Right. He's scowling and jowly and he keeps snorting this dust that makes him super strong. Yeah, it's very red scully.
Death in this movie matters. Yeah, which is weird territory for Superhero movies. Because so many people die and then come back to life. But you really feel these deaths. Sometimes immediately. Like Groot dies and then three seconds later he's back.
He's a adorable twig.
This movie should be the baseline for the rest of the DC universe. That should be what they cost it compared to. She's the Captain America of DC in that she's the first member of the Justice League. So if they can jump off, build off the back of this instead of Batman vs Superman or Batman vs Bill. This should be their Iron Man. This should be their template for the rest of the Marvel movies.
Maybe they should just have Patty Jenkins make all of them. Anything else you want to show me? So good job Wonder Woman and good job Patty Jenkins. Hopefully we can see more of these. I hope so. I hope she makes more of these and more of other movies.
Hey, The Cracked Podcast is coming to you live June 10th at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater Sunset. We're going to have Tom Ryman, Daniel O'Brien, comedian Jamie Loftus and writer Dave Schilling talking about why all movies were insane behind the scenes. Every single one of them. Go to UCB Sunset's website for tickets and go have a great day too, man. |
TheOnion | Weird_Area_Woman_Wasn_t_Harassed_Today | Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that oddly at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened. It's weird, but looking back on it, I suddenly realized that not one strange man made a creepy comment at me or an obscene gesture or sleazy look for like the whole day. How can that be? The 29-year-old told reporters that even at points in her day when she is traditionally almost certain to be made uncomfortable by at least one or two leering male strangers, not a single such instance occurred. I actually got to walk from the train to my office and never once catch some weirdo smiling at me or looking me up and down or slowing down his car to yell some shit out the window at me. I felt weirdly safe or something. Even at work, Levy claims that not one male superior passed her in the hallway and told her to, quote, smile more. Nor did she overhear a single misogynist joke being loudly told within earshot of her desk. I don't think I was degraded at all at work today.
Like, how was it? Was that possible? After more than an hour of trying to recall a single example of harassment in her day, Levy told reporters her search had come up cold, although doubts still persist as to why. I don't know if it's something with me or what. I mean, I don't look any different today than I usually do. Or maybe something was coincidentally going on with every man I happen to pass or interact with or.
Ew. OK. Never mind. I just got a super gross email from my boss. What the fuck is this problem? Keep checking TheOnion.com for more as this story develops. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_js_developer_2024_new | So the CV looks all good and everything, but it all comes down to how fit you are selecting JavaScript libraries. Imagine we had two options, the T3 and the T4 style. Both use Next.js, TypeScript and TRPC, but the TNT3 stands for Theo, a skater boy from California, whereas the TNT4 stands for technology.
T3 is primarily focused on web apps, while T4 is immediately cross-platformed, because T4 natively compiles to mobile as React Native through XBO. Now Tailwind doesn't map one-on-one to React Native, but the T3 stands have tried for a long time to get it compatible with Tailwind CSS React Native, which was renamed to Native Wind once it started working, which was abandoned for a long time, but was made compatible with React Native after its developer, the 1xdev, joined XBO in 2023, and now it's fully compatible with mobile anyways, so forget this whole part. Now the real problem comes in when we look at Auth and ORE. T3 uses Next.org, or its hosted solution, Clrp. Now Next.org is framework agnostic, but it doesn't work on mobile. We could of course use Clrp XBO to make it work on mobile, or hack the next AuthJS XBO's REST API and see where things go. But even if you fix the Next.org client, Next.org also doesn't work on phono walkers for free edge deployment on Cloudflare.
T3 also uses Prisma, which is super inefficient and ugly. I mean, just try a simple query. If your result is in the first row in the first JSON, it will still revalidate every row in every JSON. Now T4 uses Superbase for user data, and sells it to the darknet. But there is also a Lucia branch for this, which works with any ORMA database, if you know how to write the adapter. Now Lucia and Superbase work on mobile flawlessly. Now instead of Prisma, T4 uses Drizzle, straight out of the gate. Superbase and Lucia are edge compatible, which means if we deploy in HODL, we can scale to infinity and beyond for zero dollars, if our bundle size is under one megabyte. Which is also why you cannot use Prisma, because Prisma blots the package, just like this company's HR department.
Now Drizzle also works on the edge. Yeah, but couldn't Drizzle just... Silence.
Drizzle could work on T3, but the documentation hasn't been started yet. Now Lucia would also work with T3, but I haven't tried that, so I'm not going to consider. Now T4 also uses helper libraries like Validbot, Million Dollar JS, PrettyK, Virtual Edit, and JotUI. Now we could of course extend T3 with those, but we would first extend T3 with Pusher for WebSockets. Actually, better to use OKT.
Now T3 would typically host on Vercel, which is the cash cow, so it's better to use the planet scale, which is the cash cow, so it's better to use the railway, which is like Heroku, which is now owned by Salesforce, and therefore EVO. Vercel with a V, like in EVO. And EVO with an E, like in Emacs's life. And Emacs's life with a C, like in free hosting on Cloudflare. T4, we would just host straight on the edge. Of glory. Which means if you can't get Slack to compile under one mega, then we can scale it to infinity for zero dollars on Horno without sweating.
The only bottleneck then is our database. Not even the database, but the write-offs. SQLite is by definition on the edge, but it's still slower than speed of light.
Cloudflare says they're working on that. They say that every week. Next week is Cloud and Innovation Week. So next week is different.
Now we don't have the source of Slack anyway, so. Now we could of course rewrite the whole stack from React Next to Vue, Knack, Svelte, Svelte, Solid and Solid Stock, Quickie and Quickie Market. And each comes with their own whole ecosystem, like Vue, Croissant, or Next, BC, or Svelte, Vaux Army to reuse 0% of our code. Don't write this down. Next week, all of this is gonna change. So. But then again, we might as well rewrite straight to Rust. Good idea.
I didn't say anything.
Now the back end, we can compile to WebAssembly and host on worker RS for free. The front end? Now for the desktop app supporting the React web code, we would need a native web view. We would use Tauri because Electron is bloated and ships its own Chromium. Tauri is basically like a V8 one. What is V8? Exactly. Spotify, Slack, Discord, fuck Office, and most importantly, a virus free antivirus. All use Electron, but we will use Tauri because while Electron is a compiled app with a web view that can render Rust compiled to WebAssembly, Tauri is a Rust app and we save on RAM. So T4 has 1000% code sharing, performance, production readiness, performance, lean optimized bundle size, free hosting on Holo runtime edge workers, cutting edge, performance, 1000% type safe styling, free hosting, a purple landing page, but everybody uses performance tailwinds.
So, you know, years ago, we would just set up a PHP and SQL and alarm stack on a $5 server with JJ query and our five users would be happy. But this of course would require backups, server management, security, which I know how to do. But they lost trust in me after a fourth user data cleanup this month. In fact, everybody's changing back to servers. 2024 is the year of the serverlessness.
They said that 10 years ago. They say that every year, but this year they're out of VC funding.
We have an entire abandoned office building, so might as well go with JavaScript. So we would use Next.js, Holo GraphQL, TypeScript, AWS, and Superbase. What is kubanet?
Ah. I know this might seem like a fun way to spend your time in the age of AGI, but this is a public service announcement to all senior engineers trying to learn all of this in online courses to get a job in today's developer market. My advice to you is fish don't fry in the kitchen. |
SaturdayNightLive | dad_has_a_cookie_snl | Chris, I got to say, seems like my daughter picked a good one. Well, thank you, sir. I love her a lot. it means so much to finally meet her folks. well, us too, you know. now, on how long till dinner, Chris and I are starving.
I'm fine, really. Okay, well, easy, Tiger. the roast is almost done. just ten more minutes. in that case, Mom, I wanted to go grab some of my old stuff from the attic. is that okay? Sure. you boys okay without us? I think we'll be fine.
Okay, now, Steven, you stay out of those cookies on the counter. he always tries to sneak one before dinner. guilty as charged. Sir, I know we just met, but there's something I need to ask you. don't tell the missus. Hey, my lips are sealed. our little secret, okay? yeah, yeah, secret's safe with me.
I'm serious. don't say anything. Oh, yeah, no, I won't.
And you heard her, right? You heard her say, don't have a cookie, but I'm having one. Yeah, I heard her.
Cool. So you're just going to roll with me on this cookie thing, right? don't bitch out on me. Yes, I'll roll with you on the cookie. Okay. just eat it. I got the good cookie.
Anyway, you want to ask me something? Yes, sir. I just want to say, your daughter means the world to me, and I was wondering if. you want to marry my daughter? Yes, sir. you have my blessing. because I can tell you love her, and I can tell she loves you, And most importantly, you got my back on the cookie thing, right? Yes, Sir. I got your back on the cookie thing. And we're back. what'd you boys talk about while we were gone? Um, well, actually, something pretty big just happened. Hannah, there's something I need to say. Hey, Chris, can I just talk to you in the kitchen for a second? Um, yeah, sure.
Hey, were you about to tell them about the cookie? What? No. because maybe I'm stupid, but I thought I was clear about the cookie. you were clear? I don't care about the cookie. I'm trying to propose. they will just keep the cookie out of it. Uh, babe, Dad, is everything okay? everything's fine, sweetie. Look, if you bring up the cookie one more time, I will kill you. you are covered in crumbs. that's what's gonna give you away. bitch, I always got crumbs on me. that ain't suspicious at all. Oh, my God. Okay, who had a cookie, Steve? did you have a cookie again? What, baby? no, I. I had a cookie.
Please, Ma'am, I just, uh, I couldn't wait. I'm sorry.
Dad, is this true? Yeah. Christopher, those are my mom's peanut butter cookies. you're allergic. What?
I'm sorry. no, no, I'm fine. Dude, why did you do that? why'd you eat that? No! Oh, my God. you ate the cookie, right? you ate it, so you got to get it out, right? Stop, I'm fine. you want my neck? in my neck, you do it? No, I'm fine.
Hannah, I'm trying to propose. you're proposing? Yes, baby. I love you. Will you marry me? Yes, of course I will. Oh, Stephen, how wonderful. our daughter's getting married. this is the happiest day of my life. I'm ready to have fun. |
cracked | the_most_overly_dramatic_break_up_ever | Listen, when we first met, everything about you just seemed meaningful and deep. You know, you just were this vivid person.
And that's great, but it's a lot of high stakes, you know? And I'm just not sure I can deal with it anymore.
What are you saying? See, this is exactly what... Here, here, just... Uh-huh. Yeah, it's a shame. It's all you can say?
Well, it's hard to keep being sympathetic six months in, Katie. You know, the first time your mother's sexual awakening forced you to confront your own issues about the repression she inflicted on you because of her subconscious self-punishment about the death of her first child in a boat explosion on the Khyber River, I was, you know, concerned.
But every day, it's something else, and it's just... I don't know, it's like you're a... You're a Rama Queen! No, no, this is something much weirder than that.
Mike! Not a great time, Matt. Look, I'll show you, okay? See, I'm just writing. See? There you go. Katie, it's over. I'm sorry. Friends? Ah, sorry about that. Oh, come on, dammit. See you in another life. Whatever. Bullshit. I don't care. Mike.
Yeah, what? What?
You just got a text from Topher and Humboldt. They opened a modeling school next to his pot farm. You just got dumped. I love Poon Tang.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Road trip. Road trip, Grandpa! Here we go again. Yeah! |
SaturdayNightLive | ultrasound_snl | Well, how you feeling? uh, you know what they say. the 12th month of pregnancy is always the hardest. Well, okay, we just want to do one last ultrasound to make sure the twins are in the right position. sounds good, Doc. hit me with the cold-ass jelly. Okay, let's, uh, take a look here. mm-hmm.
Oh, there they are! it's your beautiful babies. Oh, my God, I'm crying. look at how cute they are. Okay, y'all, that image is crazy. I watch the Super Bowl on that thing. Oh, oh, it looks like they're kicking.
Oh. okay. Now, would you say this is a typical amount of movement? Well, I did have three months to energy drinks this morning. Okay, well, that's not recommended, but it does explain the breakdancing. and.get it! Now, does that hurt? Well, I mean, that's what you get when your sperm donor was one of the jabberwockies. excuse me, what? yeah, the sperm bank had, like, eyeball, eagles, athletes, and then just a full bind of jabberwockies. Okay, well, well, just for future reference, you're gonna want to watch your caffeine intake.
And, uh, no smoking, right? uh, yeah, no, that's a big time. No-no. okay, respect. But what if the babies are smoking? wait, what? yeah. my bad, my bad. this thing is like an exhaust pipe lately. slow down, y'all, slow down. you gonna drown my mouth, y'all. But why are they smoking cigarettes? because it looks cool. Now, doctor, medically speaking, what are they doing with the umbilical cords? well, medically speaking, they appear to be jumping wrong. No.
I'm craving flamin' hot Cheetos, lady. damn, these things are hot. yeah, I can see that. Now, you might want to take it easy on the spicy foods. you know, doctor, I wasn't even sure I wanted to get pregnant. But then I lost two iuds in a row, and I just took it as a sign, you know. Well, I think I found them.
Oh! hi, I have a seamless delivery for L. Fish. I think you have the wrong room, sir. nobody here ordered Mcdonald's. wait, wait, I think the baby's dead. What, they have a phone? Oh, yeah, I'm not one of those cancers gonna limit screen time like a loser. well, looks like they hungry. what you waiting for? get a kiss, they fish. come on. there you go. All right. love you, baby. uh-oh, don't forget your tip, bro. come on. there you go. No, I'm good. Oh, look at how happy they are. man, they ain't really chomping. they ain't got anything.
Oh! ooh, excuse you. Well, I have to say, I don't think babies should be eating filet-o-fish sandwiches in the womb. Wait a second. where are they? where did they go? Oh, my God. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Side_Hustle_Scotty_A_Dream_Position_An_Olive_Branch_More_August_19 | Hello and welcome to the Petuda Weekly Bulletin. It is great to have your company, as you'll probably notice, it's the voice of me, Wendell Hassey.
Clancy Overall is not leading us in today.
He is recovering. From his hips, yeah. From his hip replacement.
The photos look awful. Scars, bruising, all that sort of stuff. He also sent through quite a disgusting photo. Yeah, a disgusting photo.
We didn't need to see that in the group chat. Yeah, probably shouldn't have been on Slack. Luckily, we don't really have a HR department around here, so we're going to have to deal with that.
Errol Parker, he's still cruising. Apparently he's over the gastro and stuff now. He's enjoying the last, I think, two or three days. He should be back next week. Looking quite tanned after that South Pacific tour.
So, for this week, it's me, Wendell Hassey, and... Effie Bateman, hey! We are going to be wrapping up what has happened over the last week, so we'll get straight into it, Effie, with the biggest story of the week. Potentially the last couple of months, really. Yeah, yeah. So, our biggest scoop that we got this week is the reason why the Australian dance music scene is now dominated by Christian DJs is because Scotty secretly took over the Ministry of Sound. Yes, yep, you've probably seen it.
Scott Morrison, a bloke who seemed to hate doing any actual work when he was the Prime Minister, has had a lot of fucking jobs over the last few days. Revelations about the secret ministerial appointments that Scott Morrison got the Governor-General to give him while he was Prime Minister there a couple of years ago. A few ministerial portfolios, started off with three, ended up being five. We've had revelations about who knows what, and how many more secret jobs Scott Morrison gave himself, and he has stepped outside the world of politics as well.
It's been far-reaching, hasn't it, Effie? Yes, that's right.
So, it appears that Scott Morrison's rampage on ministries had gone a lot deeper than initially thought, as docs revealed the rising number of Christian DJs in the Australian dance music scene. So, if anyone was across Ministry of Sound this year, it was actually called the Testament, and they said this was supposed to be a testament to the history of dance music, but now we know that it's a different kind of testament. Yeah, people were thinking that it was maybe a bit of a Kanye West religious thing, but no, it was actually Scott Morrison. It was Scott Morrison, and it's believed he's aiming at the next big drop being in 2024, and it will be titled Resurrection.
So, I can get my resurrection. Now, that has caused a scene that's been talked about a lot in the media, in politics, all that sort of stuff, and it has been a blessing for the current Prime Minister. Anthony Albanese has turned up to Parliament each morning this week to face a gentle volley of softballs thrown up by Scotty. Yes, it's been a dream week for the old new Prime Minister, giving the hourly updates on how conniving and sneaky Scott Morrison was to undermine his party and the nation's democracy. Yeah, that's right. Albanese has asked the former Prime Minister to keep them coming. He's been able to just hit these balls out of the park every single morning.
Obviously, you know, he could be talking about things like the Stage Street tax cuts he's putting through that are going to cost $178 billion over the next few years, or the fact that we have a homelessness crisis, or a housing crisis, or there's an energy crisis as well, the fact wages are stagnating, even though the government promised that they would be going up under their term. All of those things, not really interested in it, because silly journalists like us keep on asking him about Scotty. And as Michael Riscus summed up in the comments, actually, he quoted what Anthony Albanese said at one of these press conferences. He said, do you want to hear some policy, or do you want to see me sock some dingers? And the crowd chants, dingers, dingers, dingers.
And up next, the ATO has apologised and refunded Jerry Harvey the $6.89 he mistakenly paid in taxes financial year. Yep, that's it. We've got some national news that isn't about our politicians, which I'm sure is of relief to you. Jerry Harvey, the billionaire boss of Australia's leading cultural appliance retailer, Harvey Norman, has blown a gasket on 3AW this week. Affectionately known as the Paul Hogan of Australian entrepreneurialism, the future Australian of the Year winner has used a popular radio station as a platform to publicly eviscerate the ATO after they dared to steal $6.89 from his tax return. Disgraceful stuff. Yes, they have apologised and heads have rolled, as a spokesperson for the underfunded organisation said, the ATO has reviewed internally and discovered the reason for the error was the result of a Gen Z employee who does not have the same reverential respect for Jerry Harvey that proper Australians should. The ATO prostrates itself before Mr Harvey and apologises unreservedly and wishes to convey to Mr Harvey that the employee in question has been terminated, effective immediately, their body path dismembered and sent to the four corners of Australia as a warning. Just Saudi justice there dealing with that ATO employee. I think compensation is probably deserving for Jerry Harvey as well. Some local news to round out the week, maybe a bit of a change of pace, maybe a bit more light-hearted.
A bloke taking a break from the source has revealed he cannot believe how fucking long Friday nights are. Yes, with 2022 basically two-thirds of the way done, a local piss-cutting legend, Joel Schmidt, is giving himself a little break from the booze so that he doesn't have to commit to a dry 2023. Yeah, look, Joel said he knew it was going to be hard but he didn't realise that it would be this hard. Normally having Fridays that are a big brown and yellow blur, Joel says he's been staring at the clock thinking it's fucking broken. He doesn't understand how people do this on a weekly basis. Yeah, said it was just a nightmare, he was laying there, ran out of bits and pieces to do after a couple of hours and it seemed to go forever.
Hang in there, Joel, you'll be thankful for it in the long run, I reckon, mate. That's what's making news for this week. Enjoy your weekend, see you later. |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_summer_snl | Would you be mine? could you be mine? I always want to live in a house like yours, my friend. maybe when there's nobody home, I'll break in. I married a woman who said she was rich. spent all her money, walked out on a bitch. won't you be mine? won't you be my neighbor? Hello, boys and girls. some is coming soon, you know. would you like a summer job this summer? They sure are hard to find, especially in my neighborhood. but you can still make money. you can sell things, like lemonade. sure you could. there are lots of things you can sell on the streets. all you have to do is be an entrepreneur. that's our word for today, boys and Girls.
I think I'll sell some things today. let's see what Mr. Robertson has lying around the house. Ooh, look, boys and girls, a car stereo. And it's a blow pump. they're very expensive. How long do you think it took Mr. Robertson to get it out of that Bmw? would you believe 27 seconds? Ooh, and look at all these wallets that Mr. Robertson got today. isn't that nice? And here. oh, this one still has some pant leg on it. that's what happens with Mr. Robinson's in the Rush, Boys and Girls. And look at all the gold chains that people on the Subway know.
And here's some pretty earrings right here. Oh, it looks like there's still a little piece of ear left on it. You know, boys and girls, if you're lucky, sometimes you'll get jewelry with initials on it. See that? the initials say Jr. know what that stands for? jewelry.
A good offer to know. Always takes advantage of every opportunity, boys and girls. And remember, opportunity knocks just once. Now, would that be opportunity, boys and girls? Robinson, open up. excuse me, boys and girls. let me see who's at the door. Hey! Police! just a minute. Can we escape these boys and girls? let's go check out Mr. Fiersky. I'm very happy tomorrow to you. |
TheOnion | America_s_Sandiest_Car_America_s_Best_Ep_7 | It's another busy day for America's Best, as the judges look for the sandiest car in the country. What's your name?
Enough with the pleasantries, let's see the sandy car. It's very sandy. I don't think it's that sandy. What I see is a car with a little bit of sand on the seat cushion. Otherwise, this is absolutely not the sandiest car in the country. I've seen shoes with more sand than this.
You stink! Get out of here!
I love the sand in your car, dear. Just try to get a little more sand next time.
Hey, you know we're not allowed to use the hotel washroom. People are just relieving themselves on the wall in the hallway where we're standing. Quiet!
We're inspecting the sand. There's definitely a lot of something here. This isn't sand, it's dirt. What are you trying to pull on us? Sand is light brown and dirt is dark brown. The way that I remember it is that dirt and dark both start with the letter D. I guess I just thought, sand, dirt. What's the difference? You gotta admit, it's a lot of dirt. We're looking for America's sandiest car, not America's dirty car. There isn't even that much dirt. Most of these granules can be considered rock.
And what are all these leaves? The leaves are just there. I didn't mean for the leaves to count for my sand or dirt total.
Regardless, I do know that there is not a lot of sand in your car and I am sorry, baby. I still love you. Don't pity me. It makes it much worse to hear shit like that from you. That it? I could kill you if you like. Never mind. My sister has a really sandy car. I told her she should enter this competition and split the winnings with me. Well, I'd have sex with her and then make sure she lost just to make you angry. Don't do that.
She's had a really difficult life because she lives near pollution. There are six different kinds of pollution and she lives near the worst and the third worst type.
The judges have had no luck identifying sandy cars today, but was their sand ship about to come in? Alright, lovely honey. Do you have a picture of your sandy car? No, but I can describe it. There's sand piled up in front of all the seats and on the seats themselves there's sand rubbed in. And if you beat the seats with your hand, sand pops up. That does sound like a lot of sand. I mean, you can't make that stuff up. It's the subtle details that you get from living with a sandy car. You know, I personally love you, but we need to see a picture of your car so we can verify the amount of sand.
I don't care.
He described it vividly. I'm going to have to say yes. As long as you bring a picture of the car for the next round or at least describe it as vividly as you have today. It's a yes for me too.
I mean, if we can't trust people not to lie to us, what are we doing here? How do you like that? I didn't like that.
He challenged his integrity and he won. He can call you anything he wants. When we come back, the judges determine who is the best at being manually stung by a bee. |
SaturdayNightLive | new_york_underground_saturday_night_live | New York, New York. a city of 8 million people. But where do they go at night? where do they go to unwind? Empire State Building, Times Square. maybe if you're a tourist. But if you're a real New Yorker, where you want to go is. .here. the Lower East Side.
The Kennel Club. This has been the venue for such acts as Rowboat, The Billerman Twins, The U-turn Committee, and Science Finger, to name just a few. Tonight, Joshua Rainhorn. he's known for his dynamic stage performances, leaving some of his audience members literally weeping.
End Quote.: Well, looks like the show's about to start. I'm going to go get ready.
Applause. You're standing there in your silhouette in your dressing gown with a wine and a cigarette and a cigarette with your Charlie Chaplin laugh. All the mayors and politicians line up just to dance the waltz with you. do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da-da-da-da Rainhorn plays were no longer in New York. we're on the Island of Crete, teaching a young native boy how to dream. we're in a garage watching our father cry. we're an obese 15-year-old, seeing ourselves naked for the first time. wine and a cigarette and a cigarette. She heard the angels coming. This has been Trevor Dix with Joshua Rainhorn and this is another correspondence from The Underground. |
dropout | tinder_profile_picture_day | So, this is your first profile picture day?
It's the only one I have. One day you'll be a big boy. I'm 28.
Ah! Oh. Okay. Are you sure you're going to do that? I've seen it a lot. Yeah. I love traveling, so. It's just kind of an old joke. I love jokes. All right. Ah. Is that a gun? Yeah. I'm a boy. Well. Oh.
Stop.
You know, if you stand so close together, people are going to have a tough time telling you apart. But she's my best friend.
All right. Where is your shirt? I don't need it. Jeez. That's a little close. Would you like to listen to my poetry? Hey. Put that out, young man.
Smoking kills.
I love babies. That's going to scare boys, you know. They're going to think it's your baby. I love babies.
That's actually great. I really, really think guys are going to have a hard time telling you apart. But we're all so close. And we're best friends. Yeah. Best means one. You can't all be best friends. Yeah.
A lot of people seem to like tigers. That could be an animal. It could be a tiger.
Oh, that's, I mean...
Yoga looks like sex. Looks like sex.
Oh, okay. This is... Nope. No one can see your face. Yep. That's kind of the idea. Oh, buddy. Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs. Please just show your face. Hey, stop that. What, dude? I'm showing off my skills. That's disgusting. Girls love this. Stop. And this is an honest question. Whose profile picture is this? Great.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out?
Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's...
Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_HR_Manager_Agrees_That_Sucks_But_Have_You_Considered_Shutting_The_Fuck_Up_And_Pr_ | We've had R U OK day. Oh by the way I didn't ask R U OK Clancy. No it's too late now anyway.
I feel funny in answering your question because it happens every day but what happens is I rotate between kind of Joe Rogan-esque meal plans or just full-blown fast food. As an Australian male it's kind of what I do. And I have this habit of drinking soft drink when I get thirsty as opposed to as a treat. So yeah I feel kind of weird most days. You know when you overeat fast food particularly and high sugar and high salts and then I obviously would spend four to five hours scrolling social media in the evening and then because I drink coffee as well not normal coffee but like through iced coffees caffeine anyway plus all the Coca-Cola I don't really get to sleep till about three most nights and I'm looking at the screen the entire time. So yeah there's a lot going on. Yeah and then I've obviously got to get up early and then I go to the gym and mostly I don't have like a varied workout I just mostly do chest and arms with my noise cancelling headphones in playing the music you know like pump up music like the presets. So not much social interaction there and then on weekends I game. So no I feel weird most of the time.
I wonder why. Yeah I don't know people suggest I go see a GP but I think it's better to just talk about it. Yeah I think so too.
How about you? I'm good. What am I up to?
I've heard back from Wendell and he has gotten into Burgoyne apparently. Oh good yeah well he has those. It was apparently. Those pants I think. It was the pants and apparently you know he was lining up for hours and he had the bandages on his nipples because of the multiple nipple surgeries and they looked at him and they're like that's that man is wearing really good fetish gear we'll let him in and yeah he's a kinky boy so we're gonna let him in. He went into the darkroom I believe. Yeah. He'll be a different man when he gets back I remember my first time there. What else? I'm going to a drag cabaret show in the French Quarter tonight which will be fun. Hell yeah. Yeah.
No one does it like the French Quarter.
Will you be gaming for the rest of the weekend you reckon? Yeah maybe or I might I don't know maybe like kind of go hunting but it's not really illegal what I do you know I've been obviously shooting with Errol before it's not that illegal but you know just playing with guns alone in the bush kind of you know people start asking questions that I don't want them asking about my personal life so I don't know maybe I'll just play video games where I'm obviously shooting. You could play shooting games. I'll play shooting games the whole time.
Today's podcast is brought to you by NordVPN which keeps your devices malware free and your browsing safe from strangers eyes. NordVPN's most importantly allows you to freely watch overseas content without any restriction such as American Netflix or streaming sports while you're travelling. I hear Wendell has been making the most of his NordVPN trial to tune into his beloved Summer Heights High reruns. Wouldn't have taken him for a Chris Lilley fan there you go yes NordVPN will give you swift access to content from all over the world and are currently offering an exclusive deal for the two listeners. Yep and to take advantage of this free trial go to nordvpn.com forward slash patoota which is risk free with Nord's 30 day money back guarantee. But yeah what's in the news this week?
Well starting off and a HR manager agrees that sucks but have you considered shutting the fuck up and pretending you're okay? Yes junior accountant Kaylee Weathersford has unfortunately learnt the hard way that in most corporations human resources or people that are now called culture managers are not there to help you. It's alleged Kaylee went to the HR lady Gayle with a complaint about her manager citing that the constant barrage of mean spirited and crude comments was heavily impacting her mental health and making it difficult to come into work every day including some very inappropriate comments about her makeup and excellent birthing hips. Sadly there was no justice for Kaylee as Gayle said she totally understands where she's coming from but you know has Kaylee thought about just getting over it and shutting the fuck up?
I'm guessing that did not happen on are you okay day. No there were no cupcakes in the room.
And up next a nation shocked the same old man who thought gays should stay the fuck away from marriage also think indigenous people should stay the fuck away from parliament. In case you haven't been across the news lately Australia's media pundits and political commentators are mortified by the Albanese government's decision to hold a national referendum over whether or not we should include aboriginal people in the constitution. While the concept of an indigenous voice does seem like an unprecedented approach to these issues especially for our traditionally risk adverse nation the government has clearly indicated that the indigenous voice will not have any veto powers over Australian law making or tradition and will serve only as an advisory body. The Murdoch media and Liberal Party's hysterical fear that letting indigenous people into parliament houses is somehow an affront to the power structures that have served them so well is reminiscent of their fear that allowing gay couples to get married would result in bestiality. Citizens as a whole are not surprised that the same exact multimillionaires who live in nice waterfront suburbs miles away from any of the catastrophic socio-economic issues facing indigenous people are so staunchly opposed to changing anything that might empower our most vulnerable citizens.
And up next girl who's always late naively thinks that everyone else also finds it a quirky and endearing habit. Yes a local woman who has no consideration for other people's time has this week been informed that no one else thinks it's an endearing quality. Despite her numerous attempts to rebrand it to a quirky character trait that she has absolutely no control over. Often using the excuse I just lost track of time Danielle Hobbs just expects her mates to be totally okay with her rocking up 30 minutes past the agreed time every time whether it's a one on one coffee group outing or even to the movies. And if they do have a go at her it's not her fault her brain just works differently. It's alleged some of Danielle's mates have even started lying about the time of the event in an attempt to combat her chronic tardiness but cite that that still only has roughly a 30% success rate which has prompted a number of them to crack the shits and stop inviting her anywhere.
And lastly, I think this might be your GP Clancy, a 65 year old GP takes off stethoscope after a long hard day of fat shaming and telling depressed people to buy some runners and wake up to themselves. A visit to his local GP at Batuta Heights Family Medical Center today confirmed that as Dr. Michelle Jones ordered big Dennis up on the scales and what she saw chilled her blood. She asked me how many kids I had, I've got two he said. Dr. Michelle told me I'd probably have a stroke or a heart attack before they finished school if I didn't start to look after myself. She said I was on the wrong side of the obesity bell curve making me way too morbidly. Instead of prescribing me something like a zen pick or a gastric sleeve, Dr. Michelle told me to wake up to myself and start putting in less than what I put out. Dennis gave Dr. Michelle permission to discuss his visit and recent health with the advocate in the hopes that it will spread the message that some doctors are bullies and unhelpful.
You don't see people as big as Dennis making its old bones, do you, she said. It's a thrill and you stay fit doing it. People like Dennis need to get a kick up the ass and sometimes people like that need to hear it.
Controversial views in this day and age, I wish good luck to both of them. An unorthodox approach to life and an unorthodox approach to medicine. None of that applies to me. Anyway, thank you for tuning in to the Petuta Advio Weekly Bulletin. See you later. |
ClickHole | need_an_email_address_let_this_woman_give_you_some_incredible_suggestions | Here are some good numbers.
24 115 9 33 86 2 We hope these email addresses have been helpful. Post a comment below and let everyone know what you're going to use your new email for. |
cracked | 7_movie_ideas_too_awesome_to_actually_get_made_after_hours_live_the_cracked_podcast | Sans Michael. Sans Michael, yeah. I will be playing Michael tonight.
How many of you guys are familiar with after hours in the podcast? After hours is a show where four of our finest writer-performers sit in a diner and make amazing points about pop culture that are like suspiciously well thought out. And I am joined on stage by three of those cast members. Please give it up for Daniel O'Brien, Soren Boo, Soren Booey, and Katie Willard!
So the subject of this episode is movie ideas too awesome to get made. Basically, tweaks to existing movies like, for instance, Gravity. Robert Downey Jr. was supposed to play the George Clooney character. That would have been way better, in my opinion. Robert Downey Jr. is like wildly competent and smart at technology and like I would have been like blown away that he died in the movie. Because like George Clooney seems like he got to space on handsomeness.
Like, they're just like you, yeah, sure. I like how you're like, yeah, George Clooney, well, Robert Downey Jr., you know, knows science. And I was like, no, he's really good at playing. He knows science. I think Robert Downey Jr. is a, is a sign. Maybe a chemist?
Are we? Oh, s**t. Shots fired at 90s Robert Downey Jr. Another option is comic books or novels or other dope IP is a phrase that I'm going to be using. He literally has been saying that backstage. Dope IP. That we'd like to see on the silver screen. IP stands for intellectual property, for those of you who are not from here in Hollywood. We're going to talk about some generally cool, true stories that haven't been turned into movies.
Katie's already thinking about her answer. And it's crazy. My answer will tell you who else shot John F. Kennedy. No big deal. Not that I'm competitive, but does your answer do that?
But yeah, just anything that you think should be turned into a movie that hasn't. I want to talk about Independence Day 2. I think Independence Day 2 could have been incredible if you changed literally everything about it.
All right. First thing we need to agree on.
Everyone's seen Aliens. Everyone thinks Aliens is great. So from now on, if you're making a sequel to a classic Alien movie, it needs to be offered to James Cameron first. Before any other director, including whoever directed it the first time.
I mean, you're my boss and you're forcing me to agree to that. So sure. Yeah, I'm on board. Yeah, Jack.
They gave it to Roland Emmerich and he basically pulled an 80s sequel with it where you hit all the same beats, but do it extreme. They were like, well, what did people like about the first one, the big alien ships? Let's make the ships bigger. And I was like, no, that wasn't what anyone wanted.
So for James Cameron's I.D. for part two, like all James Cameron sequels to other people's alien movies, it's a metaphor for Vietnam. Picks up immediately after the first one ends and a bunch of alien mother ships have just crashed to Earth around the globe, presumably crushing loads of innocent people. Say, Libby, we move past that quickly. But what do we know about the aliens? We've seen one of them get shot out of the sky in his weird alien fighter craft and survive. So in the James Cameron directed sequel, those mother ships, obviously not all the aliens died when they crashed to Earth. So you have these huge city sized mother ships full of these bad ass aliens who have better technology than us coming after us.
But we're on our home turf. So we have worse technology. Our home turf. They have better technology.
Vietnam much, you guys. Oh, that's why you wanted to be aliens. Yeah, that's aliens was basically like a Vietnam movie. Yeah. But I feel like that would have been awesome. And the thing is that the Independence Day two sort of buries that entire movie because we we focus on America for the first Independence Day.
And then we just sort of like peripherally check in with all the other continents. And we're just like, oh, and Australia, they took care of them too. Oh, good for them. It's pretty rough because they check in with everybody else. And it's like civilized countries, civilized country.
They go to Africa in general, and it's a bunch of people jumping up and down with spears. They have spears and no shirts.
And you're like, no, no, no. It's the worst thing that's ever happened in a movie.
And Independence Day two, Jeffy Gold's, Jeff Goldblum, he goes to Africa to check in with. There's like some new discovery that happened there. Something came alive suddenly. And we learned that there was all of these like machete carrying badasses who had been fighting aliens on the ground for 20 years in between movies. And Jeff's like, yeah, that seems cool.
Where's the thing I need to get? And then the movie starts and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. What's what's what's this ground fight? What's this? What's this war with machete versus aliens?
Are we ever going to get that? No. And was that just District nine? Is that anyways, that's my pitch for James Cameron's I.D. for part two Vietnam much. You guys would be this subtitle. You guys are you open to notes on that? Yeah. No. OK.
I think if we're doing sequels, I'd want to see a final destination where a lot of times passed and now we're an assisted living facility. And they all like they didn't get on the bus that was going to the zoo or whatever. And it crashed. And now now you've got like five or six old people who are trying to figure out if death is actually following them or if they're just dying of natural causes. Because like they're not usually it's the way they all figured out is they're all dying in order and everybody can kind of know who's next. And it's just a real problem because it keeps throwing them that like one will just die out of turn. It's like, I think it was just this time.
And we're still doing sequels. I know they're doing a Toy Story four, but I'm sure it won't be the one that I want. Because they've been between Toy Story one and Toy Story three.
They've really grown up with me personally because movies are all directed to me. And the first one was, you're a child, wouldn't be fun if toys were real? And it was. And then the third one was, isn't it hard to grow up and isn't it sad and don't you have to accept your own mortality? And like, yeah, I guess I'll go into the garbage fire. That's adulthood. But now it's even more of the future.
And I want to see what happens inevitably when the world finds out about toys because there's either toys versus human war or that toys civil rights story, which is also very fascinating. And I'm curious about like what like either direction. Like we know that toys are real and they have feelings and they can they can love and can be loved. And people will fear them because they're essentially like timeless and immortal. But some will love them. I had we were talking about aliens. I had a Vasquez toy when I was a kid. If I could marry that, that would be fantastic. So if toys were alive, that solves a lot of problems for me. So if you're listening, plastic Vasquez in my mom's house and you're real, I'm here for you.
Any other sequels anyone wants to pitch before we move on to dope IP? Dope IP. I know. I'm sorry, you guys. Hot IP. That's not better. Why would you think that was hot IP? So you had a really good one about the irregulars. Oh, yeah. I don't know why I always made a movie about this yet.
There was a group of British spies who came to the US in the late 1930s to try and get us to join World War Two. And these spies were part of a branch that was so British. It was called the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.
And you know a lot of them because it was Ian Fleming who created James Bond. It was Roald Dahl, who you all read about. Noel Coward, who was a playwright and he was an actor. Leslie Howard, also an actor. And then Sir William Stevenson was the one who led everything. He's the one who James Bond is based on.
So there are all these guys who were involved in the arts and the humanities who came to the US and their job was to just try and get into influential parties and things like that and find isolationists and try and convince them, try and sway them. And the majority way that they did it was that they would go find the wives of these men and just have sex with them. And then try and get the wife to try and convince them that, yeah, okay.
We could learn a lot from Noel Coward. There's Roald Dahl in particular.
He had sex with so many American women. There's a woman, Claire Booth-Loose, she was a Republican congresswoman, but she was also the wife of the owner of Time. And he was a notorious isolationist and so he was like a target. So he somehow Roald Dahl seduced this woman and then continually had sex with her. And then at a certain point was like, I want out. She wants too much sex. He has a quote that he gave back to what was the equivalent of M at MI6 that was, I'm all f***ed out. He says, that goddamn woman has absolutely screwed me from one end of the room to the other for three goddamn nights. And England was like, yeah, keep doing it for England.
I love how you'd expect it to be the guy who James Bond was based on, but no, it's Roald Dahl. It's lanky Roald Dahl who looks just like the BFG.
And they did. I mean, they did a great job. At one point they created, not just in the sexual category, just at being spies and trying to instigate the United States and trying to incite some sort of eagerness to join the war. So what they did was they created a map of South America and they called it, they said that it was at this Nazi map. They showed what the Nazis intended to do in South America, which went against what Hitler had already been saying, which was he doesn't have any intentions of leaving Europe and Northern Africa. And so he's usually a man of his word. Yeah, he brought, I mean, I'm sure he did have this plan, but this map was completely forged and then somehow they slipped it into American intelligence, got it all the way to FDR and FDR kept shaking it up in the air, trying to convince everyone this is why we needed to go to war. So they did great work. And obviously we joined, although we got sort of a formal invitation from Japan, I guess.
Right. Was Pearl Harbor their work? Was that right?
I'm sure. I'm sure there's I mean, I like that summation. I'm sure there's more nuance to it. I'm sure it's not just like a stranger woman.
And then it's like, honey, we should go to war. Katie, how about you? Oh, so the dope IP that I want made into a movie. We're dope, team dope IP on this on this side of the stage. I'll say it, but I'm going to high five you about it.
I love F Scott Fitzgerald's short stories. And there is a short story called The Diamond as Big as the Ritz.
The story starts this guy named John T. Unger is from a town called Hades in Mississippi. And he gets sent to this like really she, she boarding school in Boston. And he befriends this guy named Percy Washington, who's like, very wealthy, right? Everybody there is pretty wealthy. Well, so cut fast forward to summer vacay. And Percy's like, you should come to Montana with me in summer with my family. And so John's like, cool. So they start on this train trip. And they go to the middle of nowhere in Montana. And this like, fancy ass car picks them up from this very small train station. And as they're driving through across all this sprawling land, Percy's like, my family is going to be there. And I met my father's the richest man in the world.
And the guy's like, whatever. And how did they write that? So I want to know, like, he said the jerking off motion. Yeah. And then, and then raise his hand in the air zip to say through it. Yeah.
He threw the, hit the lining of this very nice car. Apparently what happened is his like grandfather bought land in Montana and found a diamond mine. And so he like started selling diamonds or whatever. But then he discovered that the mountain on his land was actually one giant diamond. Like they bore into it. And then the whole mountain is a diamond. Diamond as big as the Ritz Hotel.
Get it? Okay.
So the guy's like, you, I don't believe you. And he was like, no, it's the truth. And so what he finds out is that it is true.
And this guy has been controlling the supply of diamonds out because he knows that if he sells too many, then the value will go down. And no one can ever know about this diamond, this mountain size diamond. So when he gets to their chateau on this mountain diamond place, he finds out that A, the grandfather wrote a fake proclamation and told all the slaves that the South had won the Civil War.
And so they still had slaves. They shot down any airplanes that flew overhead and kept the airmen as prisoners in a dungeon. And then at the end, John T. Unger finds out that they shoot anybody who comes there so that they won't tell the secret.
So it's essentially him, like he doesn't know that last bit until the end, but he's like, this house is ridiculous. But that was what got me more than anything, the way they describe it. There's a bed that when you wake up, the bed rolls you into a bathtub full of warm water filled with bubbles. And then you have like amazing meals and all this beautiful stuff. And then of course, John T. Unger falls in love with the sister.
And then she has an Italian teacher who escapes and tells the government. And then it ends with just every, but there's just gunfire and air. And then they decide to blow the mountain up. And that's the end of it.
And it's can't blow up a diamond dummy. God. I'm not the dummy. F Scott Fitzgerald is the dummy.
That sounds like the most delightful Wes Anderson movie ever. I have a movie based on a story from the past that I've been trying to figure out as a film since I heard about it on the dollop podcast. I want to do it as a comedy because it's so wacky, but it's impossible because it's so dark.
It's about the people who invented the lobotomy. An actual brain surgeon, James Watts, and an actual buddy, Walter Freeman, that decided to start this lobotomy business where they would go to mental institutions.
And it was a terrible time. It was like early 1900s where mental institutions were homes for anyone who could be considered a problem. And there are some people who like had legitimate problems. And there's some people who were just like, I don't think I need to be here. And I'm very loud about it. And a lot of women who needed to get and these two guys would show up and they were like, that person seems pretty loud and aggressive.
Can I drill six holes in their brain and see what happens? And the doctor was like, Yeah, so they did that. They found a market for themselves doing these lobotomies. And the buddy Freeman decided that the lobotomies that they were doing these six holes that get drilled in the head. Like, I mean, I know I'm not a doctor or a brain guy, but I feel like we can do this faster.
So he opened a drawer in his home and took out an ice pick, because that was the thing that he had. And he invented the ice pick lobotomy where he just like put it through your eye, rooted around and lobotomized you and like did it out of his office for a while.
And then watch the doctor came in and was like, What the are you doing? How long have you been doing this? And he's like, Oh, why?
Oh, it's super quick. I like knock out like five of these in the morning. And so that partnership ended. And so should have the story.
But instead, Freeman went on the road. And I'm not using that euphemistically, he got a van, which he called the Lobotomobile. And he went back and forth across the country, doing lobotomies like a stage show, he would crank out 20 a day because he's like, line them up. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk. And people were like, I'm different now. And it was a really like crazy.
It's super dark. It's super sad.
This guy like going around performing lobotomies. Some of them are successful. Some of them don't work at all. Some of them are fatal. There's one like really wacky story where he was performing lobotomy.
And someone was taking a picture for a magazine. He was like, Are you taking a picture? And he killed that person. Because he wanted to be like facing forward while the picture was being taken.
And now everyone's waiting for justice where this guy gets arrested or put in jail. He just like retired in like 1957 was like, I think this is all behind me now I'm done. It's so exhausting, driving around the country all the time. Driving my home ice pick into people's heads. I've lost the crowd.
How are you gonna make that into a comedy? Imagine Yeah, give me some give me like a scene from it. It's gonna be comedic. But Sasha Baron Cohen is the guy or Will Ferrell is the guy. How about that? And he's like, whoops, but he doesn't I gotta get my ice pick back but it's in your brain. It could be a great Coen brothers like dark comedy. I feel like we're you gonna you dropped a bomb earlier.
You can tell us who shot JFK or what? So there's this guy Howard Donahue, who is a ballistics expert and like an incredible marksman. He's so great at shooting that when the Warren Commission needed to prove that someone could get off three shots and hit the targets like a moving target three times in a row, they brought in 11 marksman and 10 of them were not able to get the shots off fast enough. He got the shots off fast enough with the same gun and hit the target each time while he's there just like kind of being the best gun guy in the country. That's what we're calling him. He like kind of gets interested in the Warren Commission report and he starts realizing that the ballistics don't make any sense. He's an expert. He testifies in trials on like where bullets go like so he knows how like each type of bullet will travel, you know, like if it hit someone versus if it misses and like there's all these different I didn't I'm not a gun guy.
So I didn't know like there's full metal jacket, which is like the only type of bullet that's legal in war because it doesn't like break apart when it hits you. And then there are the things in assault rifles that are spinning like incredibly fast. And when they hit you, they like break apart and like terrifying things happen. They like tear you tear you up.
So anyways, he realizes that the first two shots that hit JFK were perfectly online from coming from Oswald. They the bullet behaved exactly like it should have coming from Oswald's rifle. It was a heavy, slow moving bullet. With a full metal jacket. So it stayed together, which is why the shot that struck JFK in the back and like went through him, like also hit the guy in the front seat because it was just like this heavy, slow moving but really hard to stop bullet. That's the magic bullet, which is not magic.
It just like when you yeah, I know. Sorry, buddy.
So the third shot, the one that is the gruesome headshot doesn't behave like that. First of all, the trajectory makes no sense because Oswald's up and to the back and and to the left. Right. And and this side of his head comes off. And he realizes that it behaves like the fast moving fast spinning type of like assault rifle shot.
So he like tells these journalists that and they report on it like in the Dallas Morning Herald Star. There it is and nobody pays attention. People are just like, yeah, that's not as cool as if like Castro did it or if Russia did it or something. So he just goes back to sort of doing this investigation with this journalist, whose name is Bonner Menninger. It's very close to Bonner.
Boner is his first name. I interviewed him. Now I understand your interest in this story. I legit, I legit think that like he ended up writing a book and like I legit think that's part of the reason why people were just like, look at his name. Boner's got a theory. So anyways, Boner theory is a good name for like a punk band.
Sorry. So anyways, they for years, they don't know what happened.
They just know that there should have been an assault rifle in this one spot. And then like these new photographs come out that are taken from in front of the motorcade. And you can see clearly, like coming from directly where the shot should have been coming from a secret service agent holding AR 15, the exact type of gun that they thought he that he thought it should have been. So I immediately am like conspiracy LBJ like did this and but Donahue is like a gun guy. He knows that like, firefights are really messy and like how often like people die from friendly fire. And so what he realizes happened is the two shots rang out from above and the cars slow down. And as the cars slow down, this secret service agent is standing up with his AR 15 and looking behind him and then his car stops and he falls forward and he must have left let out a shot. And so that is the whole reason there was a cover up was to protect the secret service agent.
And you just expose that and do we have a clip? Yeah. His name is, which is admirable. And it's also like, there are it makes a lot of sense of the things.
First of all, Kennedy's brain went missing, which is very strange. And yeah, because they had to clean up like the fact that there were like all these pieces of the fragmented thing. RFK when he got on the phone with the secret service at the hospital, eyewitnesses overheard him say there's been an accident that the secret service agents say that to RFK. And then there's also this thing that so LBJ we had written about this thing on our site, that like the night of the assassination, LBJ was like walking around outside of the White House and a secret service agent like pulled a gun on him. Because he do you remember this story? It's like from one of our like crazy things that almost happened. But I think it was just LBJ knew what happened. And was like these guys like they're they're maniacs there. He and then like when you go back and look, he was literally saying to people like for two months after the assassination, I swear to God, one of these secret service agents is gonna fuck up and like, shoot me in the head. So like, there's like a lot of evidence that points to that. He wrote this in a book. And the conspiracy theory community were just like, no, that they were like, so mad about it.
Because it's not like the exciting like, it's not sexy there. It's so much more exciting. If there's like, as a second gunman, who is a larger conspiracy, yeah, or like a bullet that can bend through the wind. Yeah, it's not sexy for a panic security guard to stumble and like lose a bullet. And everyone else just be like, he's probably gonna die anyway.
Yeah, well, conspiracy theories hinge so much on everything being intentional. And so much of what happens in any circumstances, not intentional. And exactly. And so if you're any conspiracy theory that goes deep enough, it's always like, no, some very intentional things all had to fall into place for everybody.
And everybody had to do their part. And all had to be timed exactly right. And all had to work.
And that's just not the way things are. Yeah. So if he hadn't hit, if he hadn't shot, so JFK would have there, that's an interesting thing. He would still be president today. Well, no, that's an interesting thing. The shot, the second, the one shot that Oswald hit him with actually severed his spine. And so he would have been a vegetable if, if the third shot hadn't happened. So the guy, like, didn't end up really killing him, essentially, put him out of, right? Yeah. And they went and like tried to tell the guy that and he was not cooperative, which is totally understandable.
Who should direct that movie? Who do you think Sinbad? Stephen directing? I mean, he could he's due for a comeback.
I think there's like a, there's a really manipulative way to make the movie where like when they realized that there was a shot coming from like behind them, but they didn't haven't seen The Secret Service agent yet. Like you like really dig into all the conspiracies. And Ron Howard would direct that like a very manipulative, like sort of beautiful mind where he like thinks he's being like, nah, he's just crazy. The Mystic River version of this movie where you keep thinking there's some vast conspiracy. And then it turns out it was like some dumb kids doing a prank who got caught up in something. Yeah.
And also the conspiracy, the JFK conspiracy theory community is just, they make the best villains. Cause I like, I interviewed the guy Bonner manager and I interviewed the key JFK conspiracy theory guy, like the number one guy he has. If you Google JFK conspiracy theory, he has the website and he's this journalist who used to work for the Washington post.
And he's just so full of and like when I asked him about this theory, he was like, it's a silly theory and you got to get it out of your head. And I was like, but okay, so let's talk about like, why you think it's silly. And he's like, Jack, I will not talk about it. I will not. I was like, why? Like that doesn't make any sense. You got to get that silly thing out of your head so I can fill it with more garbage. Yeah. And then and then I was like, okay, so what do you think happened? And then he was just like throwing out all this stuff about the CIA and brainwashing and like impossible things.
Get your head out of the clouds, Jack. It was time travel. I think that's all the time we have really briefly.
We're not doing the lobotomy movie.
But yeah, we should thank everyone for coming. But also, Soren had something prepared. He wanted to say Soren just reach for the stars in your life. Thank you guys very much for coming out. I want to say thank you to April 21st. We're going to do a live after hours panel that's going to involve a read of a never before seen episode and also questions and participation from you in the audience while we workshop an episode for the future. And yeah, April 21st, 22nd, 23rd, we'll be doing stuff all over that convention. And Soren had something to say. Soren.
Don't be patient toward all that's unsolved in your heart and just try to love the questions themselves. They're like locked rooms or like books written in a foreign tongue. Don't seek the answers that can't be given to you now because you wouldn't be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. So just live the question now and then gradually someday you'll live your way into the answer.
Sorry, we got to continue this for another video. I meant the other thing. This is that's where this. Oh yeah, we're gonna be staying on the waterfront in a hotel. Just come by. We got a hot tub. Yeah. |
CrackerMilk | post_nut_clarity | Elias! Socks don't go in the dishwasher! What are you doing? I have milked the evil out of my body. It's popped out of me like a champagne cork. I now see the world for what it truly is. You knotted again, didn't you? Yes. Come, brother. Sit beside me and let me enlighten you.
That's gross. Gross is a construct.
The key to enlightenment is knowing that we are all one, brother. Stop calling me brother, I'm your wife. Marriage is a construct, brother. The only relationship I have is with Mother Gaia. So do you want to get a divorce or something? Divorce is a construct, brother.
There is no end. For who are we to know what the end is?
Yeah, cool. Okay, so I'm taking all the shit because you know it's mine. I have forgone all of my possessions. Take what you want. If only the female orgasm wasn't a myth, you would understand as I have that we are all one. Yeah. Perhaps one day you will understand as I can and see that...
Oh my god, I'm horny. I'm horny again.
What have I done? Babe? Babe, what have I said? Babe, I'm so sorry. Can we have sex? Hey guys.
We've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Crock-A-Mole podcast. It's on a separate other channel called the Crock-A-Mole podcast.
Are you drunk? So you can go and check that out over there. Are you drunk? No, dude. I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys got any paint? |
dropout | superhero_auditions | Face melting, you will never succeed in your villainous plans. I will, I will defeat you.
What are you doing? Oh, oh!
You trapped me in your face, melting rays. My face is melting. It is melting.
Ah, birds! Ooh, come to me. Okay. And reassemble my face with your beaks. I always loved you, and I always will, no matter who you are. Excuse me? Um, with great power comes the responsibility. Okay. So, um, you are seriously so pretty.
I love you more. I'll always love you more. No, I'll always love you more. No. I don't just love you because you're a superhero. I've always loved you, and I always will, no matter who you are.
With great power comes great responsibility. Okay, okay. Okay, we're just going to go one at a time, okay? I'm just showing you options. I'm going first. Okay. Good.
Speaking in unison is not an option for a movie, okay? Have you ever tried it? How old are you guys? We're in kindergarten. Uh, here's where I think we're going to go with the scene is I'm going to front you. No.
I just don't know if I can commit to one person. Listen, the world needs me. Let's keep going and no more British accent, cool? Sure. I've always loved you. I always will, no matter who you are. With great power comes great responsibility. Okay. I just don't know if I can commit to one person. The world needs me. Okay. Okay, guys, guys, enough, okay?
We can't use this. You know what? If we're not going to read this, we should probably end the, end the audition here, okay?
With great power comes great. Congratulations.
Wizard time. What does that mean, wizard time?
I would like to fuck you. Okay, that's it. Do you want to get a drink? Like an alcoholic. May I ask you one question? Uh-huh. Are you buying it?
Stop it. You're terrified. He's going to catch you. Okay, you're trying to get, you're trying to get off that train. You're on the back of a train. And the winds are fighting against you.
And the rain. Bubbles! I was peeing the rain.
Okay. You're on a horse, okay? Okay.
Okay, let's go. Go faster. Here, wait. I'm going faster. Faster, faster, faster. Here we go. Okay, go.
Let's see you with a, trying to get an actual child out of a, a breaking ship. Get, get the fuck out of this ship, child. Do you want to sink?
Oh no, I'm a full amethyst. No. I'm calling birds. You're in Italy and you're, and you're walking down the thoroughfare. A fungal. Pizza.
There's like a kitten up a tree. Get out of the tree, you fucking kitten.
Are you retarded?
I'm bionic bitch.
Miss Summer's office. Shut up. |
dropout | 20_000_leagues_from_the_right_answer | From Galaga to Galgadod, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else.
That is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. For joining us today, we have Brennan Lee Mulligan.
And my axe. And Ryan Martin. And his axe. And also Jackie Cation. And their axes.
Oh, what? Three?
One axe.
We're just sharing it. We're sharing it. We went together on a birthday gift.
It's like, I'm my axe. Oh, yeah, also, yeah, I'm a part of that axe as well.
Put my name on the card. Card, yeah. You're all a repeat guest, so you kind of know how this works. But we'll go through it real quickly for the viewers at home. This is Um, Actually.
I've got false statements here. It's up to you to correct me. You just have to correct me with Um, Actually before anything you say. You don't say Um, Actually. I won't keep you to the point. And you can correct me at any point. Once you hear the thing that's wrong, just jump right in there.
So, let's get started. Hell yeah. In Jules Verne's novel 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, A Tour of the Underwater World, readers meet Captain Nemo, who lives a secretive life 20,000 Leagues Below Sea Level in his advanced submarine. Yes, Brennan. Um, Actually. 20,000 Leagues. Put it down. All right, yeah, lay it on me.
I don't know how many Leagues Below Sea Level Captain Nemo lives because leagues are a measurement of distance. Fathoms are a measurement of depth. Hmm, you know what, I don't think I'm going to give it to you. You're, you're, you're, you're, get in the comments! You can measure depth in leagues.
You're close to what we're going for, but the specifics of it are not right there. They're not correct. It's not fathoms versus leagues.
That's an issue here. No. Okay.
I know I've already buzzed in, but I guess you have, Brennan. But I think, I, I think I'm right. Well, clearly you think you're right. Yeah, but I think it hard.
So this statement, he lives 20,000 Leagues Below Sea Level. If there's not a comma, because leagues are a measurement of distance. So the degree to which he lives under sea level wouldn't be a matter of leagues, right? Well, you could live for, in the mile high city, even though miles are, are a measure of distance. You can measure distance in, in any dimension you want.
That's, that's not in fact at, at fault here. Okay. Yes, Jackie. Um, actually. Yes.
I think that he doesn't live under the sea. He's an explorer under the sea. He is an explorer under the sea, but he, but he does in fact live there as well. He's sort of an outcast from, from society.
Yes.
Ryan. I am wrong. It's 20,000 par-six. In 11 seconds. Uh, no, no, that's not it either. Um, uh, Brennan, you were close. You're very close to what it is, but I'll go ahead and tell you.
The title 20,000 Leagues Below Sea refers to the distance traveled while they are under the sea. Uh, so, but the issue is not that you can't measure in leagues. Uh, in fact, 20,000 leagues is over six times the diameter of Earth. So they're not 20,000 leagues deep because that is impossible. Uh, they are at most four leagues deep and then traveling 20,000 leagues while under the sea.
Oh. A league of their own. Yeah.
Uh, so you were on the right track that, that it is an issue of depth, but not, not the, like the, the nomenclature. Not the nomenclature.
Do you think that's fair? Do you think that was a fair, uh, I do. The Brenheads are gonna light your ass up, my man, uh, just get ready for it. Cause they're coming and, uh, I just, I think it was super fair.
Well, I was just saying it's a, it's a bigger problem that if you tried to get 20,000 leagues deep, you would punch through the earth several times over and float out into space. You know, but here's the thing is that could very easily happen in a Jules Verne story. It's like we started out below sea and then became a space adventure. The only way to break the orbit of the, break into orbit is to plunge so deeply into the earth's core that you rock it off the other side. Please stop, please stop, please stop. That sounds like some goofy Jules Verne science to me.
I bet he would do that. Uh, well, no points to anyone for that one, unfortunately. Uh, moving on to our next question here.
Part of Jedi or Sith training includes the hand making of one's own lightsaber. A key component to lithium crystals are found in the crystal caves on the, yes, actually Kyber crystals are used in the creation of lightsabers. I lithium crystals don't even exist in that setting.
That's Star Trek. That is totally correct. Yes. Uh, Kyber crystals, not the lithium crystals, which are Star Trek, which is used for lithium crystals are a distance of a measurement of distance, right? Yeah.
That felt like one where everyone was just itching to get to that button. Brendan just got to it first.
Uh, it, it feels like, uh, in sci-fi universes, if someone starts to talk to you about like crystal magic and crystal healing, you should maybe listen a little bit more than it are. Like crystals, like maybe these are magic everywhere we go. Yeah. In real life, they're magic too. I don't know if you guys have been to Arkansas. I bring up a lot when I teach improv, uh, which is, uh, when you're explaining yourself or you're explaining something goofy, people can only adults can only ask why once, maybe twice before they're like, whatever, right? Yeah. So it's like, if you have like in Star Trek, it's like, oh, the ships go fast in the speed of light. They're like, how? And you're like, I don't know. There's fucking crystals. And they're like, great.
Thank you so much for your time. Appreciate it. You fully explained that. He sounds like he knows what he's talking about.
Perfect. Not too lithium. Yeah. Whoa. That can't be. Um, cool.
One point for Brennan. Brennan is on the board. And this next one is about video games. While the title of Super Mario Brothers is generally only applied to Mario and Luigi, in 1992, the long lost brother Wario made his first appearance in the Game Boy Super Mario Land 2, Six Golden Coins. It's all one title. Brennan, coming in here again, looking concerned, perplexed, gonna have a guess.
From actually, Wario is not Mario and Luigi's brother. That's correct. Wario is not Mario and Luigi's brother. You would think with a name like Wario, with all the same color, you know, general kind of like...
Is he a cousin? He is supposed to be Mario's childhood friend, who I guess turned on him at some point. I was thinking about it, and the question is phrased in such a way of like, of course Wario is his brother. Of course he's a brother. Like, look at him.
But there's no family resemblance. I mean, other than, you know, I mean... Hold on, it's like a no family resemblance.
Wario's got like baggy eyes and a fucking lightning bolt mustache. His nose looks like a weird, like, budding potato. He's... Wario needs help. That's it. It's all nurture with Wario.
I don't think it was nature. Yeah, something happened there. Someone wronged sometime in his teens. He wasn't held enough as a baby.
Yeah, it does feel... I love the idea too that Wario was like... Wario used to be Mario's friend and then like something happened. He's like, you know, that happens. It like feels like Wario... Wario's the kind of person that Mario is like not sure whether to invite to his wedding or not. But I think it's a very post-modern take. It's like a turn for the series because, you know, early Super Mario Brothers, you know, you're fighting Bowser, or like in the very first Mario game ever, where he's fighting Donkey Kong, right? And it's like, yeah, are the monsters in the world these like turtle dragons or these giant apes throwing barrels? And then Wario comes along and it's like, no, your enemy is a dark reflection of yourself.
What are your demons? It's just you with one of your letters flipped upside down. That's the biggest evil of all.
This feels like a breakthrough, you guys. I don't know about you, but I think we've really solved some... We've healed some wounds. I think so.
I think that the existential cry of dread was... The next Mario game is just Mario conquering his inner demons, like a real extended therapy session like... I guess it all started when... I look in the mirror and I cannot say it's a me, Mario.
This is about Harry Potter. The common rooms of each Hogwarts house is intended to be accessible only to members of that house. Every one is at least partially concealed and requires a secret password or knock to enter. Brennan, again, swooping in.
I am sorry. Um, actually, the Ravenclaw room requires a riddle. That's correct. The Ravenclaw room does not require a secret password, it requires a riddle, which is dumb. It's the dumbest thing. This is a ringer here. This is not dumb. All right.
We'll see. We'll see where we trip you up.
Why do you think that's dumb to have a riddle? I think it's dumb because a riddle, by definition, is less secure than just a word no one else knows.
Like, any other... Like, it's hubris. It's saying, like, we're the smartest house and only we are smart enough to solve this riddle. Any other dum-dums from any other house would come here and just stop their feet and put a bucket on their head and bang it where they can't figure out this riddle. It's like, no, someone... You give them a riddle. Like, someone could figure that out. And, like, anything else is just like, do you know the one word I'm thinking of?
Like, it's effectively a more secure way to keep your room safe. All right. Swift on security. Good for you. Yeah, listen. You got to do...
The Gryffindor Common Room, it's like a mix of, like, uppercase and lowercase. They got one digit. They got a couple special characters.
And they're like, you're not getting into Gryffindor. It also just sucks because it means that no Ravenclaw students can, like, go out to Hogg's Mead and get fucking blasted and come back drunk on Butterbeer and be like, fuck, I got to get to my bed.
Oh, the riddle chain. Shit. Oh, fuck. What is it?
I have three legs. It's the Sphinx one. You're a Sphinx. No, I'm not a Sphinx. It's the riddle of the...
God damn. Yeah, every... Fuck!
Every big party weekend, there's just a pile of Ravenclaws outside the common room. It's just like, we all couldn't get in.
Waiting for someone. It's like a designated driver. Yeah. Because I need a designated riddler. Yeah. Someone said... You need to stay cogent enough that you can solve the riddle so you can all get back in. Exactly. All right, well, that's another point for Brennan.
And we move on to our very first shiny question. Shiny questions, just like shiny Pokemon, are at the same number of points, they're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
This game is called A Book By Its Cover. We're going to show you images of book covers with the titles and authors removed. It'll be up to you to name them. Whoever can name the most will get the point. Let's go ahead, flip those overs, let's take a look at these books.
This one on the lower left, I'm unsure about. I don't recognize the cover. But looking at it, that could be Tash.
Okay. Fighting a Narnian in the last battle. Okay. For Narnia.
But I don't... That also could be very wrong. It could be a weird bird man fighting a sword gun.
Ender's Game, The Miss of Avalon. Okay, you got five out of six. Ryan, what are you looking at here? I certainly got A Wrinkle in Time.
The second one is Don Quixote. Then The Hobbit. And then actually, you couldn't remember that one because it was Don Quixote also. Second edition of Don Quixote. Miguel Cervante's famous novel, Don Quixote also. I knew that one was Ender's Game, but I couldn't remember it in my brain, so it's actually Don Quixote. And the last one is also Don Quixote. You also got five, right? All the Don Quixotes.
Yeah. No, you have two correct here. Two correct. And Jackie, what are we looking at? Okay. I got Wrinkle in Time. Okay. Guessed it.
The next one, I went with Kathy Griffin. Does that feel too soon? The Hobbit, I got. The next one, I just... I was like, Sandman?
There's a dead guy.
I did not get Ender's Game because I don't think I've ever seen that. The original cover, so I literally guessed incorrectly and said Blade Runner.
Okay. That's a good guess. I can totally see that. Yeah. Except for that's a spaceship. Yeah. And then, Miss of Avalon. Yes. So... Let's go ahead and let's reveal the correct answers here. I think you've got three correct here, if I'm counting right. That's right. Yeah, three correct here.
But yes, Wrinkle in Time, Fahrenheit 451, The Hobbit, The Stand, Ender's Game and Mists of Avalon. Brennan, you got five out of six. That was more than anyone else. One more point for Brennan, and you are cleaning up.
Shut up. This is... This is not... Pretty. It is not... Not pretty. Good thing I'm not competitive.
And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered, and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone.
Kill them.
That stack of maps, uh, with the names removed, is up to you to identify where we are just by looking at the map. Alright? |
cracked | scientology_is_nice | Scientology is not the cult for me And I was so naive to think they wouldn't try to screw me Join, you'll understand, they'll make you feel a man The trouble is, I mean that literally Yes, I really should've guessed From the guy who did the test He wore a velvet leotard With assless chaps and pink mascara Oh, I was a fool For his electronic tool That told me I was beautiful And I love you a lot harder But there's gotta be another way Oh, yeah Tell me why that body feature needs to happen We have beaten every brother of your day Ronnie said to me, one day you'll be your team But first you've got to nibble on this triple-filled dick pastry But I could barely hear His balls were in my ear Which he assured was policy Oh, now I'm struggling to learn Which books I'm supposed to burn Cause it's so hard to concentrate With fifteen men to masturbate They said if I defect They'll do a disconnect And I'll never see my joke again And I love your dangerous cabbage But your ramen is some savage That I don't dare sit in town Tell me, how could I appoint you When you've only gone and bought Every officer in town Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh This is a Paris Don't burn my family I've just, I've just got to say That Scientology is |
dropout | are_you_a_millennial_hardly_working | Okay, does everyone have a character card, a weapon card, and an action card?
Yes. Great. Thanks for planning this, Katie. Oh, no problem.
You know how much us millennials love board games. Actually, I hate to out myself, but I'm a little older than you guys. I'm not actually a millennial. So you're Generation X? I'm an ex-annual. It comes between Generation X and millennials.
Why isn't it just one or the other?
Well, we used to be older millennials, but we didn't grow up with the internet like they did. And we've always had it as adults, so we can't relate to Gen Xers. Yeah, that makes sense. Also, since we're not millennials, the negative stereotypes don't apply to us.
We're special. Like millennials? In a different way. Okay. Well, hopefully your generation likes board games, because that's what we're here to do. Yes.
Now, two of you will have the dictator card. That means that you're evil. Now, don't tell anyone.
Sam, I'm not a millennial either. Really? Yeah. I'm actually in the generation that comes after the millennials. See, they're born in 1981 to 2001, but I was born in 2002. Oh. So, what's your generation called?
It might change, but as of right now, it's Twin Towers. What? Because we don't remember 9-11.
Oh. Wow. Sam's problematic. Wait. Are we hanging out with a 16-year-old? Oh, I'm really mature. I skipped college. Oh.
That's great.
I have one of three different kinds of weapons, right? Hard, wet, or sticky.
Okay. Hold up.
I should say that I'm not a millennial either. But you were born in 1992. And I'm really into green technology, but I was from, like, a really, really small town.
We were, like, 10 years behind everything. We didn't get broadband until, like, 2010.
So what are you then? A dial-anial. It's a millennial, except we were raised with dial-up. Oh. We're on Facebook way too much, but that's because we didn't have it growing up.
What's a dial-up? Oh, it's like internet you get from your landline. What's a landline?
Oh, boy. That's the difference between her generation and mine. Yeah. And mine. Oh, and mine.
Hey, wait. Do you guys remember rotary phones? No. Okay. Neither do I. Great.
Now, your actions will be either murder, save, or eat. Now, you can only murder if you have a sticky weapon, just like in real life.
Wait. Hold on.
Am I the only actual millennial here? Paul, what about you? Well, I mean, I'm a mid-millennial, yeah, but even we're a little different. Who's who? Well, we were born in 1985, so we were the ones who thought iPads were going to be a thing, right?
Oh, yeah. And so for a while, we were known as, uh, pedophiles. Yeah. That's why we went back to mid-millennials. Mm-hmm. But we are the ones killing the napkin industry. Oh. Cool. Good job. Good. Yeah.
What generation are you, Trapp? The generation that wants to play this game.
So let's get going, right? Yeah. But, like, you're a millennial, right? No. Actually, I'm part of the greatest generation. I don't know.
You're way too young. Well, not the first greatest generation, but the new one, the one that's just me. Okay, that seems very millennial. Well, sure, just like millennials, I was born in the 80s, and I'm pretty self-centered, but unlike millennials, I work in a coal mine.
Ugh! Black lung. Ew! What? God!
That's the problem with your generation. No work ethic.
Wait, you had a job? Lucky!
No, it's not. No, no. It's hard work. It's not just luck.
You pound the pavement.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff.
And thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | what_the_internet_is_like_in_the_future_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_10 | I can hear the sound of 2,000 police chatter, and I felt the sensation of ground beef between my fingers. Hey, hey, hey.
Just ignore that. What's happening? That's cranial. It comes built in with these sense prompts that supposedly ease you into the whole experience, but it kind of just clutters everything up. Are you sure you don't obey the force and keep flowing?
Yes. I'm sure.
Well, after these feelings subside, you should be launched into the hive mind. See? Look at all these great thoughts. Everyone else in the world is helping. Take it, stop! Try to focus on me. Focus on my voice. What the hell was this? Wait, there's so many of us. I'm thinking of you when you're thinking of me, but we're also singing each other's thoughts, so you're thinking of me thinking of you, and I'm thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you, and so on. Does that make sense?
No! I hate this! I don't want to do this anymore.
You're doing great. I thought you wanted to try to bring my girlfriend. Rebecca. Great. Just double-thinker. Rebecca, is that really you? Hello, Travis. I see you're finally in the hive mind.
This is incredible. It's been so long. How are you? What have you been up to? Oh my God, there's so much to say. There sure is. Here. Well, it was nice catching up. Whoa, whoa. Thinking of me again sometime. That's it?
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. That was a clip from our new series Bad Internet. If you liked it, you can watch the whole thing with YouTube Red.
But don't take it from me. Take it from my pal, Emily Axford.
Can we... Sorry, can we... |
TheOnion | Tyler_Perry_Expands_His_Fan_Base_With_New_Films_About_Sassy_Chinese_Grandmother | Move over, Medea, there's a new grandmother in town! This year, filmmaker Tyler Perry, known for making hugely popular entertainment that strikes a chord with African-American audiences, will be expanding his franchise to include a series of movies devoted to the Chinese-American experience. Perry has reportedly received $50 million to direct and star in three films about an over-the-top, loud-mouthed, elderly Chinese-American woman named Ming-Mei. In a statement released to the press, Perry was quoted saying, When I realized that there were four million Chinese-Americans out there buying movie tickets, I thought to myself, someone needs to make movies that speak to them. And that someone is me. Zhang Zhe-Biong, Yang Zetong. Perry also went on to say that with another 1.4 billion Chinese in the overseas market, it's more important than ever to provide the Asian people with a message of the importance of community.
And never one to shy away from religious themes, the first movie in the series, Ming-Mei's Family Business, also contains a strong message about Buddhism. But don't think for a second that these movies are somber in tone. Moviegoers who attended early test screenings say there's plenty of Tyler Perry's trademark physical humor. When Ming-Mei's grandchildren were arguing, who should get the last pot sticker? And she slapped them all, and I thought, this is what it is like to be Chinese. Not everyone loved the screening, however. Um, I'm just a really big fan of Tyler Perry, but this was not as good as his earlier stuff. I guess the debate will be settled at the theater where Perry plans to release two Ming-Mei movies along with two Medea movies every year for the next ten years. Alright, so stick around because later on, we've got Kim Kardashian's shocking revelation that there may be multiple universes. |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_happens_if_you_don_t_eat_your_carrots | Kyla, did you put away your Xbox like I asked? Yeah, Dad. Whatever the frick. Kyla! I will not have such off-color language in my household, young man. I told people what to do.
That's probably why Mom left. You know she passed away.
Now, I am sick and tired of your hoodlum attitude. You and your friends always hanging out by the stairs at the mall. I know you haven't even touched your dinner. I want you to eat your carrots right now, young man.
I don't like carrots. You don't like carrots, do you, huh? Uh, no, actually.
Don't you think I'm a little too old for this, Dad? Too old for what, son?
Trains. What? Open up, son! The train's coming towards the tunnel, real quick! Dad, this isn't even real. The train missed the tunnel, son. Now it's off the rails! What's going on? Again? It's a disaster off the rails. There's a northbound sea train carrying 60 tons of nitroglycerin. A school of orphans and a carrot has gone careening off the rails. We cut to a live feed now of the conductor. There ain't no brakes on this train!
They're heading straight for the orphanage! That's a lot of orphans, Kyla. Orphans!
I don't like carrots, is it? I just don't like them.
Oh good lord almighty son, go get the unicorn. I wasn't trained for this train! Our lives are depending on you, son! Open up those choppers, come on! Open up! There they go! There we go! The train is going far too fast for us to track.
The boys in blue are sending in the jets. Oh, here comes the plane. Oh, it's coming in for refuel. Open up the hangar and yeeeaaah!
Oh, uh... Yeah, no, I was still not going to eat a carrot, so... No, son. The plane missed the hangar.
Now it's all out of fuel! Mayday! Mayday, we're going down! You can call that carrot!
I'm sweating right through my sports bottle. That train's headed straight for that orphanage! And I'm headed straight for that train! The orphans are pissed! That's not my train, is it?
Could you imagine? The train ran cool and saved Ed, Kylar? You'd hear him, Kylar, like I couldn't. Saved everyone like I couldn't save your mother!
Hee hee hee! Aaaah!
I don't understand. They were carrots a second ago. Oh, what? My name's Kylar. I have no clue what's in my cargo box. Kylar, I'm roping a skateboard today. Now this? Kylar! If you don't eat these carrots right...
Aaaah! Aaah!
Yeah, meatball marinara. No meatballs. Perfect.
This is worse than my bunions. Hahahahahah! Where's my hat? Oh god, I hope the pleats of my cactus are still crisp. That's a catastrophe! Almost as bad as my favorite disaster movie, 2012! Oh man, I'm about to jump right out of my New Balances, I swear to God! I'm about to slip right out of my Nike Monarchs, I swear to God!
It was good! Are you recording? Yeah! Okay. Oh God, Carl. Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kate_mckinnon_and_ego_nwodim_snl | Well, we're now at the point where at every press conference, the President's asked, will there be a nuclear war? A journalist asked President Biden if we should be worried about nuclear war, and he said, no. because what's he going to say? Hell, yeah, man. start digging a bunker, Jack. it's like when a little kid asks you where Grampy's going to go when he dies. You know, obviously you're going to say heaven, but based on some of the stuff Grampy said, you know hell is also on the table.
Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower, the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation, and inept leadership. So basically, they're the Lakers. Germany is now joining the Eu to send arms to Ukraine, which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production since that little six-year gap in their history books. French president Emmanuel Macron said that after a tense 90-minute call with Vladimir Putin, he's convinced that the worst is yet to come. Man, it's amazing how much suffering could have been avoided if Putin was just a few inches taller.
Senator Lindsey Graham, who gives this exact same look at the urinal, created a controversy on Twitter by suggesting that Russians should end the war in Ukraine by assassinating Vladimir Putin. it is a shocking, disgusting example of Lindsey Graham being kind of right about something. governors in several states, including New Hampshire, Ohio, and Utah, have banned the sale of Russian-made vodka. No word yet on brides. many of the members of Congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine, while Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she's done for the last year, disappear into the background. Florida Governor Ron Desantis, seen here being told someone's pronouns. .santis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event to take off their masks, saying, stop with This Covid Theater. And there's nothing more on-brand for conservatives than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater. starting on Monday, New York City will no longer require bars and restaurants to pretend to look at vaccination cards. the city will be lifting its vaccine mandate for indoor dining and events. Finally, said the next variant. Well, this week, Florida's controversial don't Say Gay bill passed its final state Senate committee. here to comment is Kate Mckinnon.
Hi, Kate. thank you for being here. Well, yeah, I'm sorry to barge in here, like, out of costume.
I just. I heard about this law, and I just. I think it's amazing. Oh, you do? yeah, because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was some. I was kind of, like, tortured by the constant use of the word gay. like, you know, that's so gay. or, ew, you're gay. it just. it made me feel horrible. And to hear that Ron Desantis has taken a stand and said, no, you cannot say gay in school anymore. I'm just like, I'm so jazzed. and in Florida, of all places. I mean. yeah. yeah.
So, actually, I feel like there's been a misunderstanding. the law actually means that you can't acknowledge that gay exists at all. Yeah. yeah. like, teachers can't speak about gay people in history, or if a kid has a gay family member. what? yeah. And if a kid, you know, confides that they're gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents. Oh, what? yeah, I'm sorry to break this to you. it probably is affecting what you were going to say. uh, no. yeah. okay. that's okay. no, I'll say something. it's just that thing of, like, when they say don't say gay, you know, then it's, like, stuck in your head.
But it's fine. Okay. Anyway, I am deeply gay. sorry. concerned. deeply concerned. it just feels like this is going to make kids gay and trans. sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just. I think these laws are lesbians. Sorry, unconscionable. unconscionable. Yeah. I think you ended up saying gay a couple times. right.
Well, I'm trying to make sense of all this. like, does this don't say gay law have a purpose? Well, I think I guess it's so kids aren't going home with questions that parents don't want to answer. I don't know what the idea is. So, like, one kid can say I live with my parents, but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young. that's good. that'll be way. they'll be less confused. Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.
Oh, look, Colin, if the 90s were right and gay means bad, then this is the gayest law that I have ever seen. you might as well sing it. Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay.
Hey, I'll get it, everyone. Serena Williams criticized the New York Times and mistakenly printed a picture of her sister, Venus Williams, and labeled it as Serena. worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams. fans of the hit Hbo show Euphoria have been harshly criticizing the series' creator for sexualizing the high school characters. Plus, it's just not accurate. I mean, take it from me. no one has sex in high school. Don't applaud that much. the house voted to award the Congressional Gold medal to the only all-female black unit to serve in World War Ii. and Tyler Perry plays them all in his new film, Inglourious Basterds.
Dubai has opened the Museum of the Future, which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. And let's just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit. a new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark, especially if that dark is behind them at the Atm.
Duncan has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock Macchiato, which combines espresso, vanilla, and Irish cream. it's the festive, sugary drink that will have you saying top-o the morning and losing the bottom-o your leg. a man in Times Square returned a lost wallet filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner. when told how much money was in the returned wallet, the man replied. Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle, saying, quote, have a little heart. or, as the contestants would guess, haze a nipple heave. Tuesday was national pick Day, but I told that to a pig and he handcuffed me. According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiasts when I say, buh?
Rihanna has been showing off her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother, in her darkest hour. Leave it, Michael. I'm pregnant again. Well, how you doing, Pauline? Congratulations. it must be such an exciting time. exciting for who, Michael? Last time I gave birth, the baby was so big, the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa.
You know what it feels like to drop a drogo? huh? Bad.
But here, look at Rihanna. come on, what a perfect, cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I'm trying to shoplift the turd. Duck in. you know, I'm just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant. Famous pregnant? Well, that was just Rihanna's pregnancy announcement photo, right? Sure was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy, walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy? I threw up on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. you know, I've had babies before, but this is my worst pregnancy yet.
You know, it's making me want to eat all kinds of things. pickles, peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun. Pauline!
Look, I don't mean it. I don't mean it.
I don't know what I'm saying. pregnancy brain. Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at Fashion Week, hopefully to inspire other pregnant women. Oh, please. look at this, Michael. look at her. she look like she going to a sex funeral. she makes it look good. How?
I couldn't even wear this before. If you're going to wear something like this, everything's got to stay put, you know? But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pusher.
Oh, My. God. you know, she's always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael? These. yeah, these.
I used to wear a size 9. now I'm a men's 15. you know, I even got my tubes tied, but they came loose. I keep begging my doctor, double knot them next time, please. do they tie them like shoelaces? Look, I'm out here on my own, Michael. at least Rihanna's got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven't come with me to knot one doctor's appointment.
Wait, why would I? Because you did this to me. I did? mm-hmm. I said, let's use protection. And you looked me in the eye and said, it don't feel the same. that does sound like me. Yes, it is. All right, you know what?
I got to go. I left my kids in Lauren's office.
Pauline, everybody. I'm younger than Rihanna. I'm only 29. Pauline, another one. I'm Michael Cade. your time is yours tonight. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Gideon_Haigh | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello and welcome to The Batooda Advocate podcast. My name is Wendell Hussey. We're beaming out of Desert Rock FM studios today and in the theme of the show, we're talking to someone who's often dubbed as royalty around the traps by whoever might be one of their followers.
We're delving into the world of sport, cricket. We often delve into the world of sport. It is mostly rugby league and The Batooda Advocate podcast, but we're going back to the world of cricket, truly national game. And we are talking to one of the most esteemed members of the cricketing community.
His name is Gideon Haag. He's joining us via the internet today. Thanks very much for joining us, Gideon.
Nice to be here. Now, Sleep Cycles are finally back on track, I imagine, for you. It definitely are for us. We're looking forward to the summer. The silly season's in full swing and there's an interesting schedule of cricket ahead this summer.
We're not used for it. What do you make of it?
Well, I mean, we have to play the Westerners in Pakistan at some stage in order to fulfil our role as a full member of the ICC. It is the kind of schedule that only an administrator could really have come up with when we just had the Westerners last summer and now we're getting them again. That's because it was the end of one future tours programme and the beginning of another. We haven't seen Pakistan for a while, but Pakistan, for all their quite a durable side on their own surfaces, have a poor away record. So you'll be depending a little bit on the big bash league to keep people glued to their seats and even now, as international players begin to drop out, as they tend to do as the big bash league gets closer, that's looking a little bit below par as well. Look, at least we've got our memories and we've had some fantastic cricket this year. We've had some fantastic cricket just recently, even overnight with Glenn Maxwell scoring another hundred, remarkable hundred in the T20. But we'll be paying for that this summer. All the thrills and spills that we've had, we've had an Ashes series, a World Test Championship and a World Cup.
We can't dine on chocolates and sponge cake with every meal. Unfortunately it cannot last forever and it feels like the perfect summer for the big bash. It's a shame we don't have, you know, 100, 150 games. It's only the 56 or so that we can count on. It will only feel like it.
I was wondering as the cricketing world now heads into full T20 mode, if we're finally seeing the end of one day cricket. I mean, I think this has been one of the great World Cups in terms of its narrative, but in terms of its attendance and its administration, obviously quite lacking. Where do you see one day cricket going moving forward into the years in between World Cups? Is it like, is it being put sort of back on the cricketing shelf? Well, of course it always depends on what you thought the objective of the World Cup was. You might've been deluded into thinking that it was a means of establishing who's the best team in the world. In fact, the two month pageant of Indian self-celebration that faltered only at the final stage. It was going so well for India up to that point, but that's a thing that we find charming about sport, isn't it? It's unscripted drama and Australia pulled off a heist at the end.
I think that a couple of things that we did learn, 50 over cricket is still popular in India. And frankly, it's Indian tastes that will be definitive over the next couple of decades. Anything that involves India, regardless of the format, is going to have an audience somewhere. I think what we'll probably see is a recession in the value of cricket involving other countries. It will get the two-speed economy. We'll get the cricket involving India and someone and the cricket involving everybody else with the Ashes being this kind of improbable outlier that goes on. It's the gift that keeps on giving. And in fact, in some ways it's the envy of India. They've sacrificed their own marquee series, India and Pakistan, on the altar of politics and they have nothing to it to really match the Ashes, but in every other respect, particularly when April and May roll around, the rest of the cricket world has to stop and crane its neck to see what's going on in India. In fact, we'll be doing the same in, I think it's 19 December, when we have the next IPL auction. Every cricket in the world will want to see what he's worth relative to the competition. In some ways, the auction is as interesting as the tournament.
Looking at those models, maybe is it time to start considering franchising the national teams? Should we be looking more- I've always been a big proponent of that. I'd love to see the titans of Australian business and these old established mining families putting more of a value on the big bash league, where having our homegrown stars like Cam Green and Glenn Maxwell head over to India to play a bit of hit and giggle that domestic audiences in Australia tend to let go by on the lazy Susan of cricket. Do you think though it would be the great mining houses of Australia that ended up owning big bash league franchises?
Well, look, I'm- I don't think it could be the same, this is in the IPL and in the SA20 and in the IL20. Yeah. Well, look, I wouldn't be sort of morally opposed to the Atlassian stars, the- The Santos strikers. The Rio Tinto scorchers. Well, they'd be no worse a sponsor than Aramco. What about franchising just the national teams, just not mucking around and just going and becomes the Santos Australian men's cricket team? Obviously some of those players who have strong opinions about that might have to fall in line, but now just our ODI team essentially becomes an arm of Santos and it's a publicity arm for Santos and they fall under that bracket and Santos uses its funds to basically go out and get all the players that they can and make the franchise as strong as possible to go up against, I don't know, Barclay's English cricket team. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't mind it seeing essentially follow the same model as the Japanese domestic rugby union competition, where as a, as an ethnic Victorian, I'm not sure if you'd be abreast of that Gideon, but basically these teams in Japan are essentially owned by giant corporations where you've got like teams like the Toyota sharks, the Mitsubishi Dyna boys. They can be very creative, very entertaining. Yeah.
I think that as we did see with Japan moving on to sophisticated their economy in the sixties and seventies, which is something that this country of ours needs to essentially do where, you know, our economy is underpinned by digging things out of the ground and speculating on property. It could be a move in the right direction cause it's one thing that this country does well and that's sport. But I think we should be looking at ways that we can diversify into sport through the economy. Well, I think what we, um, what we are seeing in international cricket is the forces of kind of equalization that did exist are falling away, you know, back in the 1990s, although Australia was strong, there were probably seven or eight other nations that could beat any other nation at any given time. Nowadays you start an international tournament basically knowing that one of three teams can win. And that's, that's not good enough. That's not going to sustain global interest in the sport as big as the Indian audience is. So you need some other way to remediate the, the colossal differences in resources between the, between the competing nations. Of course, cricket's going in the exact opposite direction.
The way in which the ICC is carving up its revenues, you know, you could argue that India did end up winning that world cup. They took more money out of it than anybody else. They took 38% of the, of the monies that the ICC raised and they will think that they deserve that.
But of course you can't have international cricket that basically involves one country. And you know, we should be thankful frankly, that cricket is still mandatorily 11 players per side because God knows the BCC, I will probably argue that because they contribute so much to the common wheel, they should be allowed to play 15. Well, yeah, well there's lots of different forms of cricket that I've seen popping up around, especially in the metropolitan areas where they've got that last man stands competition where it's eight a side. And then they've got other forms of rugby, they've got other forms of other sports where they really cut down the numbers.
Do you think that's more likely to happen than say a T10 competition? I think T10 is something that's waiting to happen. We've all been in isolated instances, but it's, it's the next app and it will, it will go down a storm with in countries that don't have a test or, or an international orientation. I think one thing that you could do in order to equalise the competition will be to relax qualification rules so that if a player, if an Indian player, for instance, have a difficulty in making it into his countries 11, which frankly is a lot of them, you know, the Indian second 11 is as good as most countries first, why not offer them the opportunity to go and play for another country?
I think too that one thing that the 50 over game brings especially is that in World Cups, you do get these fairy tales stories of, you know, these World Cup, so like the smaller teams there, like we didn't really have too many this time around, we had Afghanistan and the Netherlands. But in years gone by, we've had the Irish beat Pakistan, we've had the Irish beat England, we've had a Bermudan policeman take an absolute screamer at first slip.
Duane Levarok. Duane Levarok, when he fell the earth shook.
But what these World Cups offer to the cricketing world is that they offer a fair amount of fairytale capability where you just cannot get that in a BBL game. You can't get that in any other format of cricket that these countries can play. Moving forward, that's what's really going to engage more countries in cricket, but what I wanted to ask is that they're thinking that the next World Cup is going to involve more teams.
Do you think that's going to be a good thing or a bad thing? We're moving from 10 to 14. That's massive. That'll change the face of cricket, really.
How many in the next football World Cup? Is it 48?
Something like that? Yeah.
They're not happy about it. They're not happy about that, and that's probably too many.
But still, if it's a 10-team World Cup or even a 14-team World Cup, it's like a tall, short man. It's a contradiction in terms. How can anything be global when it's so damn small? There are 108 cricket-playing countries or IOC members, so if we got to 48, that would essentially be half of the cricket-playing world getting around.
I'd be very curious. There's some South American nations would get a start, which would be exciting. It would be very interesting.
Here's the thing. We've got the money. It has never been richer, and of course, the money has never been more unevenly distributed. Yes, yeah. I was reading the other day that the Indian Cricket Board generated revenues to the tune of about three-quarters of a billion dollars, and of that, not much has gone into the game domestically. It's essentially going into this giant organization that's quite opaque, and no one seems to know where it's going. Really? No. It's ploughed back into the state administrations, which are notoriously ... Above board. Absolutely, yeah.
Completely transparent and accountable, and of course, a lot of those local associations are adjacent to the BJP or the relevant political power in their area, so you do wonder what proportion of the monies that Indian cricket generates actually go to the beneficiation of the game. I know Indian cricket looks hugely wealthy, but even the IPL, probably only I think 12% of Indian domestic players are involved in that, and after that, the returns fall away very sharply. You can be an outstanding domestic batsman in Indian first-class cricket and never get a sniff of playing in the IPL, so it's a mix of rich and poor with the rich getting richer and the poor marking time.
I wanted to ask you, readers and consumers of your content will be familiar with the fact that you are a very big fan of the Indian cricket board. And also ... Yes, yeah, and I imagine that means a lot of Indian cricket fans are big fans of yourself. We tend to get a few emails out here and a few comments all the way in the far western corner of Queensland. How many on average emails might you be receiving giving you some interesting feedback from India? Well, recently, when I compared the crowd at the India-Pakistan game in Ahmedabad to a Nuremberg rally, I had about three days of non-stop, very colourful communication, which of course I responded to very cordially, but do I regret it?
Absolutely not. The great thing about getting a bit older and uglier is that you really don't give a shit anymore.
I do quite enjoy the mashing together of certain phrases and terms that are very excitable, obviously, Indian cricket fans can send our way or send anyone's way on the internet. Are there times where you might not receive any kind of feedback or fan mail for a little while, or does it kind of just keep on rolling in? In that particular instance, I think the most colourful description of me was a Jewish Nazi communist pedo. There's a little bit to break down in there. Not sure it makes too much sense, but there you go.
Of course I was Australian. Better than being a kangaroo shit-eater, I guess. No, I suppose if all of those things were in a line, you'd have to say bingo, wouldn't you, I guess, in terms of the buzzwords of hate.
There was one term that we became familiar with, especially following a lot of the commentary from the great cricketer, is that this term is spelt b-e-n-c-h-o-d, benchod. That was a word that was used very widely in our comments section, especially for that article we did stating that Travis Head had given birth to 11 Indian men after the Cricket World Cup final, considering that he was able to silence a huge crowd of people. But yeah, look, it's a part of the job where, you know, you've been writing about cricket now for a lot longer than we have. What are some things you've learned about the Indian cricket board that most people wouldn't know?
Well, I mean, I think it's all the information is kind of public. It's because it airs you in the face. It's the fact that, and of course, that's what Orwell said, isn't it? Sometimes the challenge is to see what's in front of your nose, or they wield hugely disproportionate influence and people are mostly afraid to call them out.
I think that their adjacency to politics has been acknowledged and recognised over the years, but I don't think people have quite grasped how enmeshed the BJP and the BCCI are now. Well, perhaps if they doubted it, they should have seen Narendra Modi Stadium in Narendra Modi Land in April for the test match, or indeed at the World Cup final. I thought it was egregious the way that Anthony Albanese allowed himself to be used as a pantomime prop in what was basically a political rally in that test match earlier this year. Richard Marles had to fill in as kind of elbow stuntman during the World Cup final. Good dig, Richard.
But it is passing strange that there is this statute in the ICC constitution that expressly prohibits or adamantly discourages political parties and governments getting involved with the management of cricket in their own country. In fact, recently cricket Sri Lanka has been suspended on suspicion that it's basically an extension of the country's sports ministry. But somehow, in India's case, this is never noted.
Yeah. I mean, what could be more palpably obvious, but it's, I mean, you don't want to use the expression elephant in the room where India is concerned. It's too much of a cliche, but certainly something that, I don't know, if you're not drawing attention to that as a journalist, then, you know, what purpose do you have? Yeah. I mean, it is interesting, especially in India, how closely cricket is tied to politics, but observers in India could say the same thing about Australia with the appointment of Mike Baird. Yeah.
Well, he's, I mean, he is a, as it were, a retired politician, and if you tell me there's no difference between a retired politician and a politician, I think that most politicians would want to disabuse you. Another fact is that, you know, there are many serving politicians with tremendous influence and power in the way in which Indian cricket is run and the way in which its external affairs are managed, and the kind of the political, media, commercial elites in India, well, you talk about the Santos strikers, well, we are complete rookies. We're complete amateurs compared to them.
Yeah. All spirits of the marketplace are alive and well in Indian cricket. I also read a couple of weeks ago that in the spirit of sports washing, they're thinking of putting together some sort of cricket league in Saudi Arabia. Well, that's certainly been discussed, you know, I think there is, there are some logistical impediments to that, like the fact that there's no fucking cricket grounds and there's no culture. They can buy them. Yeah. Well, a couple of years ago, there were no golf courses. Yeah. And now they're, you know, a leading force in, in world golf now. The difference would be that India's power in cricket is even stronger than the US's thrall in, in, in golf. Yeah.
They would be coming up against a, in the bid for talent, they would be bidding up the price from its pre-existing high levels. But you know, there is, there is, there's still upside in, in cricketers rewards. If you look at the IPL, I think it's been calculated that only about 12% of the revenues of the IPL go into the player's pockets compared to, you know, generally speaking around a quarter in the profit share systems that, that prevail in, in some of the other world's countries. I would argue that Indian cricketers are comparatively underpaid. Yeah. Of course, they generate most of their income from outside the game. So they're not dependent on match fees or contracts with the BCCI. And in order to acquire those lucrative side benefits, they need to acquiesce in, in the monopsony of, of, of the BCCI. But there's also no player union, is there, in, in India. Yeah. They bargain collectively for them. And of course, most cricketers simply want to play the game. They don't want to be concerned about maximising their commercial opportunities. They've got vassals to do that for them. But still, if, if Indian cricketers took it into their mind that, that the value for the game in India resided in them, there is the potential for upheaval.
I'd love to see a Saudi Arabian league, maybe like a Brad Hogg coming out of retirement for 10 to 15 mil a season. Well, look, this is the type of thing that it opens up, is that you can bring these players back. I mean, I don't know how far you could go back where you could have an over 60s competition where like, if you throw enough cash at it, it's like you get Tendulkar back, you get Brian Lara back, you get, like how, how far back do you go? Well, there is a legends league, of course, in, in, in India, actually, there's several kind of tournaments for mature age players, players who are, you know, universally popular and still commanded audience. Quite a few Australians have gone over in the last couple of years, Dirk Nannes and Shane Watson and Alex Doolan, and interestingly, I did talk to, I've talked to a few of those players who've been over and their impression is that the Indians just take it way too seriously. The Aussies are there for a good time and the Indians are extremely earnest, you know, they, these Churchillian captain's addresses at the start of the game. That's very funny. I imagine it'd be like quite the opposite of a social league where someone who's played professionally is coming back to it.
The majority of people are just like, who cares? And there's one or two people taking it seriously, but that's the other way around. Well, yeah, like having been to India a few times, I know that they love to half ass things, but if there's one thing that they don't half ass, it's cricket. No, no, it's fantastic. Actually, cricket in India is wonderfully earnest. Yes, the seriousness of the conversations you have about the game over there. You keep waiting for them to laugh and say it's only a game, but it's not only a game. No, it's much, much more.
I just wanted to ask quickly, what does it look like for those fringe cricketers and the cricketers below who might be playing at a provincial level who aren't getting the financial benefits from sponsorships and advertising revenue, etc. They're not getting IPL contracts. What does it kind of look like for them? Are their pathways coming through or is it just they're going to plug away and stay cricket until they don't anymore?
Well, I mean, there's plenty of plenty of different ways to lead a career nowadays. In some ways, you know, the options are a manifold in a way that they weren't 15 years ago. In olden times, you played for your club, then you played for your state or your province or your county, and then you played for your country. And if you didn't make it, then you probably took it into your head in your early 30s that you were going to give the game away. But you can actually play for a long time now. There's an infrastructure dedicated to keeping players fit and ready and exploiting their experience under pressure. You know, Dan Christian is a good example of a player who probably 10 years ago thought he was finished, but all of a sudden opportunities opened up for him around the world. He got another 10 years out of himself and a good deal of financial security in the process.
I think that it's certainly true that there are, you know, haves, have-nots and have yachts. Firat Kohli and M.S. Dhoni are going to be wealthy beyond the imaginings of Mammon.
But that is going to remain a pretty thin elite of players who can play all three formats. Sooner or later, I think it's going to be the case that players are going to have to make the decision about which format they specialise in, because there's no doubt if you do specialise in a format, then you get better at it and you potentially, you can potentially get a break on the competition. Yeah, it is interesting to see Cam Green put more of a focus on the Red Bull in his plans for this summer. He is a pretty curious case in that he has been sort of held up as being, you know, our answer to Jacques Callas for so many years, and he's just had this weight of expectation placed upon him. And for, you know, a relatively quiet kid from the suburbs of Perth, it's, you know, those are some big shoes to fill. And then he's just had, you know, in terms of athletic terms, he's had a 32 year old pensioner really put him on notice. So do you think it's a good thing to see these younger players, especially in Australia, focusing more on the long format? I think that we still place a great deal of weight on what a player is able to do in Red Bull cricket.
There's no doubt about that. It's a cultural thing.
I would imagine the kind of people who Cam Green is surrounded by would constantly be reminding him of, if you can do the Red Bull stuff, then you can do the White Bull stuff as well, but it doesn't work the other way. If you concentrate on a White Bull, there's no real coming back into Red Bull.
I mean, he is a very interesting case. He's a very young 22 or 23, and the game has indulged him. He hasn't had that first setback that often, you know, a lot of players need in order to clarify their priorities. Someone like a Steve Warr or a Matthew Hayden or a Justin Langer, they all had periods out of the test side from which they regrouped and returned as better players. So I'm sure he will have been reassured that this hiatus in his career is doing him no harm and potentially doing him some good. But it is interesting that his career began to fray around about the time that he got picked up in the IPL, went for a bucket in the IPL auction, had the choice about whether to take it or not. And there were people who were discouraging him, difficult for him to say no under those circumstances, that the feeling is that you're bulletproof, the feeling is that you can do everything. He's found this year, no doubt, that he can't do everything. And in fact, that teams now, because of their regard for him, because they know that he is potentially a force to be reckoned with, are giving a lot more thought to the way in which they counteract him. He hasn't yet got the variety in his bowling. I don't think he's got quite the versatility in his batting. And I think there's a certain, I wouldn't say a softness, but there's a lack of resilience, which perhaps he will learn in the course of the next couple of years.
Will he learn that resilience if he is kind of aware that he will be brought back into the fold at some point, that there is a safety net there? Would those guys you mentioned before, would they have had that safety net? Or when they spent time away from the test team, would it have been more of a you're out, let's see what you got?
Look, you know, if you're not in the 11, it doesn't matter how much welfare, psychological assistance, managerial reassurance, every cricketer knows that if you don't make the 11, then you might as well be the 50th blood picked. Yeah. It's a, it's a huge difference between 11 and 12. Well, yeah, it'll be interesting to see where the selectors go in the post-Warner world. They have an absolute smorgasbord of people who've had half a chance. Yeah, yeah. And guys who are kind of half good. You can sort of add up Marcus Harris and Henry Hunt and Matthew Renshaw and you might, you might have yourself a player. Yeah, exactly.
Perfect farewell tour for David Warner on a home, home wickets against the West Indies and Pakistan. He's not blowing the West Indies, he's only playing the first three against Pakistan. I think it was the last, the last Pakistan test matches in Sydney.
And that's the one he's got here, Marcus, as well. Gotcha.
Well, I'm sure he'll score an absolute ton of runs. He has been entertained more than Ian Healy was. I always thought that was just, I've always thought that was disgraceful, what that is to him.
It's like, it's like he could have just played the first test in Brisbane and had, had the farewell in front of his friends and his family, all the people who helped him up. But it's like, no, Ian, no. But then would Gilchrist have been able to get 149 not out in his first test as opposed to the second? No, he probably would have got it in his second test. I mean, like, Ian could have floundered his way to 19 and two, and that just, and that would have not changed the outcome of that test match at all.
Yeah. I mean, it is interesting that we have decided that players can have farewell tests.
It is not, it is not an Australian tradition. We have, we have usually been extremely unsentimental, but I think where Warner's concerned, the problem has been that there has not been a player outside them making a mountain of runs to push him out. There has generally been a lack of upward pressure on the Australian 11, probably for the last 10 years. Well, yeah, like last season in Shield, the top run scorer was Cameron Bancroft.
And even he wasn't rapping on the door. No.
Speaking of this summer of cricket, Captain Planet, Pat Cummins, has obviously came under a little bit of fire over the last few months, given he's proven that he can go woke and essentially go and win the World Test Championship, the World Cup, he can retain the ashes over there on English soil in convincing fashion. And he can also set the world record for the amount of heaps normal beers consumed between here and London. Seeing as he can do that, now that we have a summer ahead of us against the Windies and Pakistan, do you think he can be indulged and allowed to kind of spend some time focusing on maybe social issues he's interested in?
Look, I recently cancelled my subscription to the Australian and the one regret that I have is that I can't They made you subscribe. I did subscribe. You were inside the tent and they made you subscribe.
I did it. It was a gesture towards the masthead. You know, I'm nothing if not law, but loyalty is a one way street at the Australian. Yes. Anyway, yeah.
Look, I regret that I'm not able to read the lashings of humble pie being consumed. I was an advocate for him at the beginning of his captaincy. I didn't see any reason why you couldn't have a bowling captain. Perhaps I was unduly influenced by Jeff Lawson, but he'd long ago convinced me that that fast bowlers were intelligent enough to hold that mantle. I didn't see a huge number of alternative candidates, frankly.
And I'm also convinced that, you know, 90 percent of what a captain does is the stuff that we don't see. Yeah, we get overly obsessed with, you know, we're we're square leg is standing is short cover in the right position. A lot of it is to do with your pastoral responsibilities to your fellow players. And I think you only had to look at this World Cup to see how how hard these players pulled for one another.
That is a very cohesive team, a lot of experience in it, you know, a lot of leaders to to complement Pat's exertions. But, you know, the relationship between Pat and the coach, Andrew McDonald, is very solid. The relationship between Pat and Steve Smith and David Warner, very solid.
The next generation of leaders in that team, potentially a Travis, potentially a Manas. They've made big strides. Manas is as a white ball player and Travis is a red ball player.
So, I mean, I think the results do actually speak for themselves. One thing that we have to get used to is we talked about the amount of cricket that they're playing these days. And I think it's it's getting to the point where it's almost unreasonable to expect them to perform at the absolute top level all the time. I think there will be periods where players will the only the only alternative to playing these days is not playing is getting away from the game completely. So there will be some slowness about restarts. I wouldn't be surprised if you see Australia start tournaments, start series a little bit slower than they usually do, because they're actually using the opening test match or the opening ODI as a warm up to the rest of the summer. And even in the World Test Championship final, Australia was pretty rusty, actually. Yes. Took with no balls, lots of extras. The fact is that India were rustier because they were coming off the IPL. But, you know, we we actually use the WTC final as the warm up for the Ashes and we were slow starting the this this recent World Cup because, you know, Mitchell Stark wants to be absolutely fresh.
He's not going to knock himself out in a warm up game or bowl over in the nets coming in. He's going to rely on being slightly underdone coming into international competition. Is sabbatical something we can look at in the world of cricket? ACT Senator David Pocock took a little bit of a break to go and study abroad. Do we need to be sending Travis Head to, I don't know, Oxford or something like that rather than having him play in a meaningless T20 series against India a few days after he's been on the biggest bender of his life?
Well, of course, they're all coming back now. Most of the T20 side is coming back after the game last night. Yeah, there will be hiatus, sure.
But it's very, very difficult. Even when you're not playing to psychologically detach from being a player cricket is a psychologically intensive game. Even when you're not playing, a lot of it is lived in the imagination. I remember Chris Rogers saying this to me some years ago. He couldn't believe how much was expected of players on a non playing day. You know, the succession of meetings, the succession of having to go and play golf with you. Well, the requirements for fitness, the requirements of the high performance system, it was very, very difficult for players to switch off. And sometimes that's simply what you have to do.
Chris, at the end of every series that he played, he tried to get away from cricket altogether. And no one loves the game like Chris. He's obsessed with it. But even he needed some downtime where he wasn't thinking about himself in terms of his performances and his cricketing identity.
Yeah, well, it's interesting you say that because I think Steve Smith spends a fair chunk of his off season in Manhattan. Yeah, which is a place where he can essentially be invisible to anyone except, you know, your Aussie expat sort of banker or, you know, or You can just shadow bat in peace. Or Indian American on the street, you know, of course, you'd be doing a double take if you saw, you know, the wide eyes and the and the blurry complexion of Steve Smith just walking down Fifth Avenue towards you. Taking it, taking it back in a cross step. Yeah, nudging it behind square.
Yeah.
Cricketers, it sounds like they need to take a leaf out of footy players books really. You have so many footy players who step away from the game for a little while or have an injury and they just don't watch any of it and they don't care until they turn back up at training, you know, a few months later or whatever. Have a look at Shane Warne. You know, Shane Warne probably added two or three years to his career inadvertently by getting suspended for taking a diuretic.
Yeah. I'm not sure he would have played on so long if he'd if he hadn't had a break. Same with Mitchell Johnson, like Mitchell Johnson had a year out of the game and came back hugely refreshed. Because as he said, you often play just short of full fitness. You're never completely fit. You're always carrying something. But if you do get the opportunity for an extended break, then your body gets the chance to recover in ways that normal competition does not allow for. Yeah, like there was that part in Warne's book how he was going on and saying that like that's what my shoulder needed was to have a pound. Like two or three months where I didn't bowl anything. Yeah, I just was on the couch. And also the hunger, you know, because these days, you know, the players are pretty fully sated all the time. If you are if you are going into every game with a uniform sense of passion and commitment, there's probably something slightly wrong with you. We can't all be minus, I guess.
No, no, there was one thing I just wanted to ask before we go, Gideon, is that for a game that's captured our national attention for over 100 years, we don't necessarily see too much cricket in pop culture. Like there's no Australian cricket movies. Like there's only been an individual few scenes off the top of my head. I mean, there's a famous one where they're playing cricket in the park's radio telescope. Yes, yes, yep, in the dish. But other than that, you don't really see cricket in Australian pop culture that much.
No, it's surprising, isn't it? Yeah, I agree, actually, I think probably two things. We're probably a little bit too serious about the game to have too much fun with it. The kind of fun that we have with it is pretty kind of it's a bit sort of pantomime. It's a bit slapstick.
Yeah, I mean, the Americans have been doing it for years, like some of the great sporting movies are always American. But that's like, cricket is ripe for an adaptation of the field of dreams. Yes. Where, you know, you could have a canola farmer from, you know, regional New South Wales got some of the best country. And he's like, oh, I've, I've heard from the spirits above that I need to plow down all of my beautiful canola, and I need to build a cricket oval. And then he has all these people, you know, from Don Bradman to Richie Beno. And of course, now Shane Warren, that they could all just come wandering out of this, you know, head high canola in the middle of the night. And I think that would make a fine cricket movie. Well, it's a pretty familiar kind of career move by an American writer to write about sport. Yeah.
You know, your Norman Mailers or your George Plimptoms or your Joyce Carol Oates or, you know, it's not unknown for them. And it's even quite respectable for them to do so.
But, you know, in what passes for an intelligentsia in Australia, I think it's regarded as kind of being complicit with the enemy. You know, the physical is thought to be a kind of the enemy of contemplation and reflection. But that certainly doesn't suit cricket. Funny, you know, a lot of intelligent people have loved sport in this country, but they have felt a little bit reluctant to show it in an imaginative or creative way.
Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a fair assessment. Also wanted to ask you, and you mentioned you just gave up your subscription to The Australian. Avid fans will notice as well that you no longer seem to be writing for them and the podcasts have all dried up. Yes. What happened?
Well, I've worked at The Australian for 12 years. I was a contributor and I decided at the end of my last contract that I wasn't going to renew it because I felt the desire to do other things. You know, I don't simply write about cricket all the time. I'm a journalist who writes about cricket part of the time, so I wanted the opportunity to explore other genres and other fields of expression. And The Australian just wasn't going to offer me those possibilities. So I thought, well, you know, I might as well take my own career in hand and break away. I wanted to continue the podcast with Peter Lawler, cricket, et cetera, independently. But The Australian forbade Peter from doing it with me.
So that's where we're at at the moment. Pete and I still talk. You just don't press record. That's right. We complain. You know, if either of us says something funny to each other, we go, ah, that's content. That's just content.
We've let go begging. It's going down the drain. So they've forbade Peter. They've said, no, you're not allowed to talk to him in front of a microphone.
Yeah. I wonder if they know that we talk on the phone. They'll probably prohibit that, too. It's a strange organisation because what they've ended up with is an empty box called cricket, et cetera. Yeah. What was the point of that, frankly? They like to put random things in the empty box sometimes, I say, as well. They do. But it's a little bit like dealing with a toddler who wants to break a toy rather than share it with somebody else.
We actually offered The Australian the opportunity to sponsor the podcast, to continue to brand it. But I didn't even get a reply to that email. They're very good at using the passive aggressive technique of just simply not replying to messages, The Australian.
Yeah. I figure Murdoch organisations and Murdoch as a whole, not particularly great at sharing there. Not big fans of sharing, to use your analogy about the toddler and the toy. Yeah. Look, it's endemic to big media organisations.
I think they're big. They're bureaucratic. They're slow moving. They're a bit jealous. They're a bit proprietorial. And they don't play well with others.
I'm not sure that's necessarily confined to news. I think you'll find it almost anywhere. You know, I've been a journalist for 40 years.
I've dealt with all the big organisations and they're all frustrating in their own ways. And, you know, eventually you kind of you get tired of the way in which they dwarf human scale and the bizarre decisions that they make. Yeah. Well, they're the type of decisions that have turned that company into an absolutely enormous revenue generating machine in recent years. So I guess, you know, we can only look to the future. And if you look at charts, if things go down for too long, then they tend to go to the vultures, to people like Channel Nine. I'm sure, I'm sure Batuta is nothing like this at all. No, no, we tend to try and keep things moving in like an upward trend. I think that's a bit of a controversial move in an Australian media these days is to try and invest in things that generate revenue. And the bureaucracy extends pretty much to scissor paper rock if there's kind of conflicting ideas, I guess, over certain things.
Yeah. I also wanted to ask, you mentioned that you're a journalist who writes about cricket. I believe you're working on a book about the former treasurer, Mr. Josh Frydenberg. Well, I couldn't possibly comment on that, but look, I can do what I like. It's kind of fun, actually, to be able to say yes rather than no all the time. Yes, yeah. It's basically what I wanted.
I wanted the opportunity to enjoy my freedom of lance and I wasn't getting it at Holt Street. So that's a shame. But having made the transition, I don't even want to read it anymore. Yeah, well, you're joining a growing rabble of disenfranchised Aus readers. But the nation does need a national broadsheet, according to Tarupa Murdoch.
And I guess that as long as he has a team of yes men there to indulge him. I mean, look, I had a good time at the Aus, don't get me wrong. I really enjoyed it. I thought my colleagues were excellent. I thought the reporters there were fantastic.
I thought some of the views expressed in it didn't sit particularly well with me. But I'm not that obsessed with the rightness of my own opinion that I can't entertain other points of view. I just found it a bit disappointing that I ended up being kind of siloed as a cricket writer. I consider myself to be very much an accidental cricket writer. I certainly never aspired to being owned by the game or making a particular career out of it.
And as John Arlott said when he retired, there's nothing more romantic than the clean break. Was there a send-off, a couple of cakes, beers down at the Aurora Hotel?
Well, fuck all. My last day came and I did not hear a word. Just to bounce back saying your email had been cut off.
Very good. Well, thank you very much, Gideon, for joining us today. It's been a pleasure to chat.
And all the best down there at the South Yarra Cricket Club, I believe it is. Yep, indeed it is. Yes, down there in Melbourne's Little Sydney. Down there in South Yarra.
I think I've played in five consecutive defeats. It's looking like a long season, but at least I'm still out there.
It's just around the corner, Gideon. Just around the corner.
Thanks very much. Thank you. |
dropout | are_we_ready_to_go_yet_hardly_working | Okay, only one hour till the show. Is everyone ready to go?
Yep.
I just got to pee quick and that'll be ready. Oh, as long as we're waiting, I'm going to pop off a quick email. Okay, we're not waiting that long. Okay, let me know when we're actually ready. We're actually ready right now.
Don't get comfortable.
You've got mail. All right, let's do it. Are we ready? Just got to put my shoes on. I'll be one second. Okay, if Pat's going to take this long, I'm going to make myself a cup of tea. And done. Are we ready to go? Just got to put my shoes on. Emily, are you ready? I'm almost ready. Let me know when everyone else is ready. We are. We're all ready. Katie doesn't look like she's ready. I just got to put my shoes on. Then do it. Emily, we're all ready to go. Okay, I'm ready.
Where's Trapp? What the hell?
He was just here. I bet he already went down.
I'll go, Trapp. Hey, sorry, sorry. I saw Adam was dressed nicely, so I thought I should change.
We ready to go? We're ready, but Katie's gone. He wasn't down there. It's fine. We're all ready. He's right there.
Where? Fuck! Where the hell is Trapp? I'm right here. Oh. But where's Adam? How?
Okay, let me know when we're actually ready. Don't get too comfortable. We're leaving as soon as we find them. Okay, I'm just gonna...
No. Sorry, guys.
We saw Katie's jacket, so we figured we should get our jackets. No, we figured while everyone else was getting ready.
We are ready. Great, I'm ready. I'm ready. We're all ready.
Oh, crap. I left my phone over there.
Nobody move. I'm not even turning around. Just stay put.
Emily, don't get tea. Don't get jackets or shoes.
I'm gonna turn it right. Thank you. Trapp.
I thought we were ready. Yeah, we're all ready. I'm ready. Yeah, I'm ready. I just gotta put my shoes on.
Okay, great. Then we're leaving. Yeah, let's go. Like, right this second. Here we go. Like, right now. Right now. Yes, right now. Now. Let's go.
I left my shoes in the other room. All right. No, don't leave.
Hi, I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. Three years ago, I had a happy, normal life.
Now look at me. I'm lurking at the end of YouTube videos begging strangers for clicks. Just one click, man. That's all I need. You can click over here to subscribe to our channel or click over here to watch another video. Come on, man. One click. That's all I need. Just give me a click. |
Wizards_with_Guns | jordan_peterson_talks_about_wizards_and_skeletons_for_roughly_2_minutes | Allow me to put this into simpler terms. So the Necromancer, he's got a tower, a long tower, primarily constructed of bone. And on one side you've got sorcerers, metallurgists, bone sorcerers, and ghost wizards. And there's a huge difference between shadowmancers and shadow slingers. And people don't like to draw the distinction between the two, but it's extremely important to keep context in mind. So it's like, if I'm a warlock, and so the Necromancer's all the way at the tippy top, he's over here, he's over here in his tower, Galatrax is over here, and he's raising a skeleton army. And it's important to look at, so there's a hierarchy to the bone army. It's hierarchical. And all the way down here you've got the bone boys, and then you've got the crazy bones and the femur-fiends, and they're all under the umbrella of the skele-snakes. But see, they're not the ones who hold the real power here, no. Because Galatrax, he's got the book of spells. He's got the Tome of Whispers.
And it's like, unless you've got a silver shield, good luck venturing through Blightwood Barrow. Good luck trekking through the Bogwitches Swamp.
And at this point, everyone's out of mana, leaving his bone boys completely free to suck the magic powders from the sacred soil. Wow. Yeah. Uh, so, you kinda lost me there. That represents, like, for capitalism, um, masculinity? I don't- Um, so, the Ghost Wizard! Okay.
It's s- I'm so sorry. |
TheOnion | BREAKING_Dogs_Running | On Zara, if you've looked outside recently, you've noticed that all dogs everywhere are running. Scientists can't explain why all over the world, dogs of every breed are running non-stop.
I'm joined now by animal behavior expert, Dr. Charles Davenport. Charles, what can you tell us?
All we know for sure is that the dogs are running fast. But we don't know why the dogs are running? There are a few reasons that dogs normally run. Because they're excited or scared, or they see something they want far away, or because they're happy. However, usually, they don't run at the same time or in the same direction. Do we have any idea where the dogs are running?
West. All the dogs are running west. Alright, well, we're getting reports of many dogs in the west and no dogs in the east.
Do we expect the dogs to ever stop running? We don't know. Animal behavior can't evolve over time. Maybe running forever is just what the dogs do now. Dr. Davenport, is there any chance that the running dogs are somehow related to last night's blue meteor shower, or the fact that horses are screaming? Inconclusive.
Well, please keep us posted. Up next, where are all the children? |
Fitzthistlewits | let_s_play_mario_64 | And it's also a me, Fitz Thistlewitz, the famous YouTube celebrity, doing a let's play of a little known gem called Mario 64, which is, I don't think it's ever been done in a let's play, so... I wonder if cake is a euphemism of some sort. I imagine that would be quite humorous, if that were the case. And peach, that could also have sexual connotations of some kind.
Here we are surveying the castle with the stained glass window of the monarch, and hills, grass, Lakitu, whatever his name is. Here we have the protagonist of this particular game, Mario 64. I have yet to unlock Yoshi or Waluigi, so we'll just have to play with the standard setup.
I apologise, deeply. Here we are, starting our adventure, and, oh, I've been stopped.
More exposition, OK. OK, camera angles, yeah, very interesting. They've used the conceit of it being a television show, so, it's pretty interesting, I suppose.
OK, now we can actually start the game. First we have to go through these doors, and then the adventure will begin. Welcome, no one's home.
Now scram and don't come back. Guwahaha. So, OK, fair enough. We've been told to leave, and that is actually the end of the game, so thank you for watching this Let's Play. |
TheOnion | Aunts_Stepdads_Fight_For_Hot_Gift_The_Electric_Tea_Kettle | Christmas almost here, ants and stepdads across the country are braving the crowds to get their hands on the must-have gift for 2008, the Presto Electric Tea Kettle. After appearing at the top of Good Housekeeping's 2008 list of top 10 gifts for young people you barely know, the teapot has been nearly impossible to find due to demand from ants and stepdads desperate to get the perfect gift for relatives they are hopelessly out of touch with. We can't even keep them on the shelves. They're selling faster than last year's Purple Fleece Robe and the dog coin bank that barks when you put coins in it. Stores nationwide report they are sold out of the kettle. In Akron, Ohio, hundreds of ants and stepdads lined up hours before this store opened after word got out that it had received a new shipment of electric tea kettles. Everyone needs a tea kettle when they're in college, which I think my nephew is.
I wish I could see Becky's face when she opens us on Christmas morning, but I think she's going to be at her real dad's. Shoppers who were lucky enough to get the coveted item are saying the trouble was well worth it. I think I did great, but Becky won't let me in her room, so I hope she doesn't already have one of these.
Stores are trying to pair the electric tea kettle with other gifts no one under 50 would want like this selection of herbal teas packed in a tin shaped like a cat. But the added stress of the holiday seems to be bringing out the worst in people as well. Earlier today, police were called to a Kansas City mall after stepdads began fighting over a store's last remaining Presto tea kettle. Police did not arrest the men, stating that, quote, as a strange stepdad's hopelessly trying to attain the affection of children who do not and will not ever love them, the men have suffered enough this holiday season.
That seems like a perfect gift for my wife's kids. Coming up next, what's the true meaning of Christmas? Our Christmas panel dukes it out from the Christmas war room. We'll be right back. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Tuesday_31st_March | Hello and welcome back to another daily news bulletin from the Petuda Advocate, Australia's oldest and most honest regional newspaper. As is the norm now, this news wrap is coming to you from the budgie smuggler bedroom in my humble off the plan project home on the edge of our town. Here are the top stories for today. Getting the ball rolling with national news and in the rapidly changing landscape that is 2020, another significant event has taken a hit. Announced officially today, coronavirus fears have forced Christmas in July to be moved to late December. According to the statement from the Prime Minister this morning, Christmas in July will be moved to the end of the year to the popular late December period because many people already have work off around that time. It's believed that there are a couple of people around the country who were quite upset by the news, but the Prime Minister has assured people that the late December window will work and insisted that it might be an opportunity to build the NRL and AFL season finals around that date if the leagues are still existent by then. Elsewhere around the country and another flow on effect from the coronavirus has been reported today.
In some strange news, it's been confirmed that self-isolation is resulting in millennials actually answering phone calls. Yep, as millions of millennials around the world get extremely bored and grow tired of the zips and zaps of Houseparty and TikTok, it's been confirmed that they've started picking up the phone for its original purpose. One local phone call answering millennial named Eliza, who's been scolded by her old man over the last couple of weeks for continually trying to invite some of her 13 best girlfriends over, said to us.
In other news of national significance now and a story that provides a nice little break from all this COVID stuff, forget the coronavirus, the grasshoppers are back in Mount Isa. In the relatively COVID-free rural towns of the deep north and outback Queensland, residents are now faced with yet another scary plague, the grasshoppers. This comes after footage emerges of the Australian plague locusts descending on the Isa and its surrounds this week. As a result, Bob Catter has today called for all northerners to stock up on insecticide and electric blue light bug zappers in an effort to keep Australia's Tuscany safe from the dreaded grasshoppers, or as he refers to them, the crocker roaches.
He told his constituents today, Please keep your guns close, but your aerosols closer. So if you're in that part of the world, take note and look after yourself. Moving on to some Diamond Tina Shire related news and it's scary how community transmissions keep rising, say local dead shits during a legal picnic. The comments came while the local morons decided to blatantly ignore all directions provided to them by authorities and have a nice little outdoors catch up last night. However, the confusion may be no more for the second generation yuppies who think they're above having their lives affected by the virus. With Royal Betuda based hospital infectious diseases specialist Tom Dearden offering this statement today, They're going up because people aren't obeying social distancing rules. I can't make it any clearer than that.
So there you go, wrapping up now and yes, the coronavirus is the reason I'm canceling my gym membership, says local woman today. In a feel-good story, finally, after nearly two years of putting it off, Anika Chiao Gule has bitten the bullet and called time on her expensive gym membership. The monumental achievement comes after she signed up to the overpriced gym following a whirlwind breakup a couple of years ago, a decision that's cost her a fair bit every single fortnight. Following the realisation that she'd used the membership twice this year and wouldn't be using it for the foreseeable future, the young lady decided enough was enough and seized upon the opportunity not to be stung by bullshit cancellation periods and fees and cancelled the membership. Well done to her and a nice success story to finish up on there.
So that's all for now. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast to stay up to date on what's happening in the news. We'll be back again tomorrow. We hope you keep well and until then, I'm Weddell Hussey. Goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | flynt_and_clinton_cold_open_saturday_night_live | Mr. President, your three o'clock appointment is here. Okay, Betty, send a man. Larry, Flint, you old dog. how are you? Mr. President, it's an honor to be here. I actually never thought I'd be invited to the White House. Well, I asked you up here to say thank you. As you know, I've been going through extremely difficult times lately. the only way I got through it was with support from my friends, my spiritual advisors, and the December issue of Hustler Magazine. that lesbian elves' pictorial. how's that standing? Thank you very much, Mr. President. No, no, no, no, no, no. thank you, Larry. you have been a big help. by ratting out Bob Barr for his sexual indiscretions, you have taken a lot of the heat off me.
I'm just giving the Republicans a taste of their own medicine. God, how do you find them? I hire private investigators to follow the Congressman around. no, no, no, not that. those women that pose nude in your magazine. where do you get them? I mean, I do. All right. but none of them will let me take pictures of them. the models, the answer adds, god, giving people jobs. it's so simple and beautiful. the girls, though, do you ever get to, you know. I do have sexual relations with the women. God, this is so exciting.
I don't want to take too much of your time. I'm sure you're busy with the impeachment hearing. No, no, I've got lawyers to do that crap.
I want to talk to you, man. you have the best job in the world. No, Mr. President, I think you have the best job in the world.
Let me ask you something. Are those letters in Hustler true? Am I under oath? Mr. President, your wife is here. party's over. What are you doing here with that whore monger? I'm talking to him or me? You are late for a meeting in the South Garden with the top pancake cookers from the National Jamboree Boy Scouts. But I'm talking to Larry Bland. I would suggest that you take a shower after meeting with this sleazebag, but there's no time. Now get moving and I'll show the sexual deviant out. Larry Bland, in my office, I love being President. here's some information on Phil Graham you might find interesting. Thanks, baby. thank you. |
cracked | the_most_unorthodox_host_in_snl_history_canonball | The early days of SNL were like a primordial ooze of variety show entertainment staples from which a prestige sketch show would eventually evolve. There was stand-up, live music, video intermissions, fucking Muppets, even Hans and Franz changed a few minds once in a while, and don't forget about the bees. It was all being cooked up by a bunch of coked up 20-somethings with a besuited 30-year-old Canadian trying to hold it all together. One thing quickly became clear, having a mega-celebrity host every week was a crucial part of the magic. So Lorne Michaels, addicted to innovation, decided to blow that part up entirely with 1977's Anyone Can Host contest.
Today we're taking a look at the episode where the five finalists showed their comedy chops and casting a few votes for who we think should have won. This is Cannonball. Over 150,000 people sent in their 25-word applications and they had to select five of these wannabe celebrities to bring in for tryouts. Here's who they went with. A college freshman, an unemployed 20-something, a single mom, a grandmother, and the literal governor of South Dakota. For real. They called it a cross-section of America, which in many ways, sure, except Garrett Morris makes a good point. Well, at least they learned their lesson in the 70s and representation was never an issue again. Anyway, they flew these folks to New York and had to figure out how to pepper them into the show. It was hosted by Buck Henry, by the way, in the episode that would make him the first member of the five-timers club. So let's meet the contestants.
Huge applause on a two-word joke. Grandma's off to a great start. They went on to explain why they each should win the contest during the monologue portion. Only Dave, the unemployed guy, seems to have come prepared with capital J jokes. Unfortunately, the punchline doesn't exactly land.
Okay, Buck fucking hates this guy. This is going to be an uphill battle for David the whole way.
A little later on, they pop back in during Weekend Update. They get a combined 60 seconds of stage time, where the whole bit is that they're not really getting any stage time. Governor, has the show been different from what you had expected? Well, I really haven't had a chance to say much and I would like to give a speech about... Well, thank you. But Miskell once again manages to stand out, giving her a commanding lead in our ballot.
How do you feel? Tired.
Their penultimate appearance was a pre-taped segment where each contestant visits Buck in his hotel room and lays it on thick. Dave once again comes prepared with a fully fleshed out bit, which extremely does not land with Buck.
Animals and chipmunks and little birds. I mean, they practically eat out of your head. I mean, you just pick them up and squeeze them until their eyes pop out. Deb makes herself cry.
You know, I'm divorced. Which is both technically impressive and conveniently effective. Connie goes full seduction mode. They're all, you know, quite excited. I am too. It's funny and it's well executed, but if you, like I, feel super weird hearing baby boomers say the word co-ed over and over.
There's a co-ed from Vassar. The co-ed from Vassar. You must be the Vassar co-ed.
Then you might not be shocked to learn that she felt pressured to objectify herself. Just a freshman and yet you had the nerve to come down here and expose yourself, so to speak. Connie shed some light on the whole process in a really great recent interview. I knew exactly, you know, what they wanted. As for this particular sketch, she says it was just understood that as a college girl she would be hypersexualized. There wasn't even a prompt. It's just like, oh yeah, of course, you know, I'm the 18 year old girl and I'm gonna seduce him.
By contrast, Governor Dick played up the greasy politician thing. Now we've got some gold mines in South Dakota.
Miss School rounds it out, once again ringing that pitch perfect I'm old bell. Something's going to happen around New Year's. What's that? I'm going to kick. Hey, stick with what works.
Now let's take a look at each finalist's individual screen time. Some of the best comedians in history have lived and died by how many seconds of stage time they got on this show. So which one of these randos was the best at milking it? Governor Dick comes out on top with two minutes and 38 seconds of screen time. On the opposite end of the spectrum, mild mannered Deb only managed one minute 28 seconds. Finally, I want to award the best contest entry. The only problem is, as far as I can tell, we only know what was on two contestants postcards. Miss Colspillman, of course, absolutely killed it.
Her said, I'm 80 years old. I need one more cheap thrill since my doctor told me I only have another 25 years left.
But Connie revealed her absolute batshit application in that interview. A friend of mine and I drop acid.
I pulled out my college ID card. And so, of course, then I said, well, that's it. My card is going to sacrifice itself. And its friends are going to staple it to a Holiday Inn postcard because they've snuck to the local Holiday Inn and just write free me underneath. I go to the post office and I stapled my card and I've got a Holiday Inn postcard. And I go up and my eyes are probably like spinning around. And I said to the postal person, you know, is this mailable? And they looked at me like, yeah. So that's what I mailed in. I stapled my college ID card and just wrote free me.
I think that's funny as shit. So Connie gets my vote. So who actually won? Well, I think it's pretty exciting having an 80 year old grandmother host the show. Yeah, it was Miss Col by a mile. And her episode was exactly fine. Let me tell you something.
You should be as together when you're 80 as Mrs. Spillman is. Don't worry, I plan to be dead by 30.
She stumbles here and there and she laughs at her own jokes, but so does Jimmy Fallon. The cold open was about Belushi confessing that he smoked a joint of Oaxacan and Maui Waui with a little hash oil.
Calm to write down. Which was likely a setup to keep her monologue short and chaperoned. Do you want me to take that from you? No, of course not. She's featured in The Gift of the Magi, a delightful little sketch that ends with Belushi violently strangling his girlfriend. She's given vanishingly few lines. Oh, The Gift of the Magi is one of my favorites.
What a shame. You're damn right. But then she enthusiastically introduces one of the biggest live fuck yous in the history of the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Costello. Elvis Costello famously played his new single Radio Radio against the wishes of both his label and Lorne Michaels. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, there's no reason to do this song here. Michaels gave him the finger throughout the whole song and banned him from the show for a decade.
It only took my little fingers to blow you away. Miskell then gets her ass blown up by Bill Murray and good cop existential cop and pork's Belushi in his childhood bedroom. Oh, come on, Mom.
We'll sleep together in my old room. Then gives an adorably heartfelt sign off at good nights. I've had the most wonderful time I ever had in my life. Before finally being open mouth kissed by Bill Murray in a Santa costume.
She didn't live to 105 like she predicted, but she made it to 94 and held the record for oldest SNL host of all time until that asshole Betty White stole her thunder at age 88. After I finished writing this one, I saw that Reddit user Tastybasket118 posted pictures of this scrapbook that SNL put together for Miskell after her performance. It's filled with notes from the cast and postcards from fans who enthusiastically voted for her. I haven't read any of them yet, but I'm sure they're both hilarious and touching. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. I've been Jesse as per usual. Don't forget to like and subscribe and jump in the comments and tell us your favorite octogenarian SNL host. |
dropout | gorilla_jury | Yo, hello everyone, welcome to the College Humor podcast. I am your host for today, Teo Yang.
Ooh. Spicy.
Can we say it? If you're watching on CH2 or watching on your podcast app, if you get onto dropout.tv and subscribe, you can get these episodes earlier by how long? Some amount of time.
Lord knows. It's a mystery.
It could be a week. It could be years. A year. Anywhere in that time range.
And you can also get it on Discord or Discord server and chat with all of us here. Yeah. Someone sent me a fun gift on Discord. Someone sent me a turkey costume. Oh, that's fun. Yes, they did. Wait, is it a gift of a turkey costume?
It's a gift. A gift. A present gift. A gift. A physical present. Someone sent it to you. Someone sent it to me in a box.
Which makes me feel like you should have asked for something better, except you didn't ask for it. You didn't ask for anything. I didn't ask for anything.
You got it? Yeah, it's in my dashboard. Have you worn it? I worn it. It's a little small for me. It's a Virginia Tech turkey mascot costume.
Oh, wow. Okay. So now people know you can just mail things to your friends. It's a public address. Great. So that's me. Why don't we go around saying who we are, what our name is, all that stuff. Sure.
My name's Ryan Creamer. I just moved here. And no one has sent me any mascots in the mail yet, but I am hoping for a Maryland Terrapin. So if anyone's... Maryland. Let it go. Boo-boo. Three of us are from Maryland. Kellen's from Ohio.
Not true.
So you could send Kellen some sort of buckeye. And that's not where I'm from. You're from Ohio. I'm not from Ohio. I'm from Iowa. I'm from Ohio.
You're not listening. Idaho? Not listening. Potatoes? No.
Ottawa. Iowa. Ontario.
Now, genuinely, does that happen a lot? Frequently. All the time.
My own friends will be like, yeah, this is Kellen, he's from Ohio. And that's the thing. And I'm not. I mean, you just said it, and I genuinely thought. You genuinely don't know.
What is Iowa known for? Corn. For a while, we were number one in education, now we're number nine. Cool.
Is that a big joke?
Hoosiers too? Nope. That's illegal. That was real. University of Iowa was the number one party school for a long time. Champaign Urbana? No, that's Illinois. That's Illinois. And this is miserable.
And then we also did produce a lot of a certain drug for a long time. Which one? Meth. Oh, a good one. Breaking Bad, you guys have seen it?
Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. That's not it. No, that's.
I couldn't even think of the state still. Do you guys know where Iowa is on a map? The middle. It is next to Ohio, right? No. It's next to Idaho? It's further west. It's not even close to Iowa. Next to Wisconsin. It is touching Wisconsin. Oh. Third try. Iowa is always further west, I think. It's Illinois and Iowa and then South Dakota and Minnesota, Nebraska.
Okay. All in there. Okay, but do you know what surrounds Maryland? No, and here's the thing.
Don't care.
We're outnumbered, unfortunately. What do you guys have there? Crabs? The food? Yeah. Crabs.
State bird. The Oreos. State bird. State flower.
Right. The Black-eyed Susan. Yeah, that's right. Commuting to D.C. State sport. Jousting. Any of this do it. Yeah. State sport. It is.
We have to learn these things in elementary school, right? Did you guys not? Did you guys learn all the state things? No, fourth grade.
They were like, here's Maryland's everything. Yes. I do remember learning all the state birds and mottos of every single state. The Iowa State song, Not a Joke, is to the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree. Really? Iowa Oh, Iowa. Yeah, Not a Joke. What is Maryland State's song?
That I don't know. But I do know the song Small People is maybe banned in the state before I dreamt. That sounds like a dream. That's a fun segment. Is this a fact or did Lily dreamt?
There's a lot of chaff floating around in there and I no longer know what's reality. Is chaff a Maryland word?
I think it's a Lily word. I think it's an improv word. It might also be an improv word. You're right. It's an improv word.
Just extra shit floating around. Yes. Yeah. Ryan has a lot of chaff in his bathtub. So true. That's my main thing.
I'll send a picture to the Discord. Please do.
What does that mean? Ryan the bathtub. What does that mean? Oh, Kelly, why don't you explain?
Well, you got skin flakes. You got hairs. We're just doing general dust.
I'm a filthy, nasty freak. He's a bad little bath boy.
Ryan, what do you do here at College Humor? So I have brought over to partner with Kelly here in doing social stuff for Instagram and social video in general. And prior to New York, I was just kind of making social content that wasn't video based.
So a little meme man. A tiny meme man. A very small meme boy. A small pocket size.
You know what's going to be good for listeners later is when we all talk over. Yeah. This is really an always sunny episode thus far. Yeah, it's been great.
How was your move over? The move over was good. Luke Field, who moved over, did through Oz Moving. It was just like a New York to LA moving service. You did as well. They're great. Huge plug for this moving company. But it was good.
I'm not afraid of flying. But I get in my head once I'm in the air for a while. I think it's the claustrophobia. And I can't move around more than anything of the height or any of that.
But I went JetBlue. And I'm just throwing out brands left and right, baby.
These are great. As long as it's positive, we keep it positive.
I am not afraid of flying either. I'm afraid that I'll fall in love in the sky.
Oh my goodness. And you're really looking for love. Real romantic.
What are you trying to do? Just looking around, making eyes at people, seeing who's by themselves. Doesn't matter who it is.
I used to think airports were very romantic. And then truly just riding a plane like six times. I was like, oh, no, no, no. I'm covered in sweat. It is the worst time to meet a human being. It would be when I'm in the air. I mean, for a time, that's when every rom-com had its climax at an airport and stopping someone. But the chance of sitting next to someone hot in economy class on a red eye in the middle of the row is next to none. Yeah. And also, I mean, no better time to meet someone than when you're just strapped into a vehicle that is moving hundreds of miles an hour. I had a flight.
This is years ago. And it was with truly a fight club style. Tyler Durden, with his briefcase, and was just wanting to talk, very business oriented, and was just like, let's talk deals, man. I was very much trying to make a sale. And I took something to conk myself out.
I'm like, hey, man, this isn't personal. I'm just going to try to sleep. It's not personal. You are incredibly boring.
What was he selling? You know what? Arbon. Yeah. A little soaps. Yeah. He was selling little soaps. I couldn't tell you. He had a briefcase impact. Yeah. How did you get these on? Business. You can bring it on, actually.
But I slept through. And then literally, as we were landing, I was still sleeping, which is weird. I was totally conked out. And we hit the runway. And I remember waking up. He was like, wow, you slept through the whole thing. He watched you sleep the entire time.
Yeah. I kept hoping you'd wake up, son. Wow.
I love flying, because I like being pampered. And I feel like I'm being pampered.
With small bags of pretzels and no legroom. Even just airline people.
I mean, just the normal. Even just like, well, I can get a drink if I hit a button. Oh, sure. Here's half a can of Sprite and a pretzel. Yes. And you are pampered. I think having to travel for work and stuff ruins it for you. Oh, sure. Just like taking red eyes. Yeah.
And did you do that a lot? For touring with UCB from improv and stuff. We flew a lot to the Midwest and flying back out the next day.
And that will kill all romance.
So you flew to the Midwest and didn't know anything about Iowa? Never heard of it.
Sorry. Where are you from? No! Where are you from?
Were there a lot of issues through Torco with traveling? Like flights canceled? All that kind of stuff? No, usually we were pretty lucky. But every once in a while, if a flight did get delayed for weather, it's just an indefinite purgatory.
You're just like, you'll be here anywhere between one to nine hours. See you later. That's insane.
But I think what's nice about a flight is that you can't do anything. So you can only just read or play a game or watch a movie. You can't be expected to work or do anything. It's the only time we can literally be disconnected from the world.
Well, now there's Wi-Fi on planes. That is true. But it's so expensive. I don't think we pampered that much. I know. $35 for a six hour flight's worth of Wi-Fi is not worth it. Now JetBlue hooks it up. You don't have to pay for it. It's just part of the flight.
How fast? Do you watch a movie? It wasn't great. Well, they had the screens that watch Beauty and the Beast because the live action remake's very good. Is it? I like it a lot. Yes. I enjoy it. Did you see it? No.
Why did you lie about that? Why are you lying?
Is it good? It's me testing you and then being like, no, yeah, I agree. I haven't seen it, but I like it. Great. I want to impress me. I just want you guys to like me. Okay, cool.
Ryan and I have only been working together for what now? Almost 18 hours. You're spending about what? 90% of your time here.
We go home together. Yeah. You go home together? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's sweet. We're roommates. Oh, that's sweet.
Have you seen the odd couple? You live in the bathtub?
Yeah, it's nasty. Yeah, it's filled with chaps. It's filled with chaps.
A pet peeve of mine is when people are on like public Wi-Fi or like a bulk bus or something like that. Or if they're on like airplane Wi-Fi and they're trying to like, I'm going to watch Netflix. Oh, yeah. It's like you're ruining it for everyone. The connection is already so slow, and you're going to try to stream like the office right now.
Just hogging it. Hogging it. Absolutely hogging it.
Let them live. No, it ruins it for everyone. Let them live.
If I'm like on the subway in New York, if I see someone with their laptop on trying to like frickin' do work, I'm like, you know what? That is so bold of you, and something bad is going to happen to you. Sure. And someone's going to swipe that laptop or something. So just, you know, you're risking it.
That I'm like, okay, with like, you can use the Wi-Fi on the subway because that's like pretty good. Because the Wi-Fi on the subway is like pretty fast, but it's when you're on like slow, like, bold bus. I do agree with that. Bus Wi-Fi.
The solution to all of these problems? Books. Yeah, there you go.
Nobody's hogging my book Wi-Fi. Nobody's jacking my book.
I'm over your shoulder trying to read a page. You're welcome to it. I love sharing. You a big reader? I can't. Can you rename it live? Books, I like them.
I'm not going to introduce myself on the podcast, and I'm just going to lie. But Kellen, introduce yourself. I am Kellen Schneider.
How tall? Realistically, guys, not going to lie, five, eleven and a half. My driver's license says six foot. My dating profile says six foot.
ASL? I'm pretty sure I'm five, eleven and a half. That's totally okay. Do people still know what ASL is? ASL?
Language. Did you say language? Age, sex, language.
I just want to say being on this podcast is a living hell for me. Purely because you three have so much in common, and you're from New York, you all lived in New York for a long time. You're jumping on your ass.
This is true. And anything I do, I'm like, ah, they're going to know. All right.
And we're freaking old. Yeah, we're old.
Before we started rolling, you called me a teenager. You're very young, but that's to your benefit. You'll live longer than me. No, he's young, but he wants to die. He's young, but he's at first for death.
I was making a climate change with my friends. I thought you were making a lifestyle reference. No, I live a healthy lifestyle. Do people give you the you're young thing a lot? All the time.
Is that annoying or is that fun? I mean, I don't really mind it. It's not a huge issue.
It's a weird thing because I do stand up, and in stand up, the you're young thing is very prevalent. And then at work, very much so, the you're young thing is prevalent. And then in dating also, if anybody is older than you, they're like, you're such a baby. I have just already forgotten how actually old you are. So I say teen. I just throw it out as anyone who's younger than me. And so that is actually older than me. But in my eyes, it's still a teen. But I'm not. I'm 23. So in my mind, I already forgot the 23, and I'm like, he's 19. Yeah. And to a lot of people, that's the, I mean, I feel like, especially in LA, until you're 25, you are 19. And there's the science that talks about your mind age, how you view yourself as different than your age age. Like earlier when you said strawberry bar, bar, and now I'm saying age age.
It's fun. It's just kind of like a fun thing.
Totally. So his mind is still a sponge, and ours is done. But yeah, we do social stuff together. That's what our job is. That's true.
And it's actually very fun. It is very fun. Today, we just sat up in a room and made videos, and we're just goofing off. It was very fun. That's great. It was fun goof-offs. Very fun. More fun than silly goof-offs.
That's the two things about us. Have you introduced yourself? Hi. I'm Lily Doo.
From Maryland. Yeah, baby. From Maryland. Mm, crabs. Crabs. Terrapins. Rockville.
What is a terrapin? It's a turtle. So here's the thing. They just say turtle, because why call it a terrapin? Because nobody knows what that is. Because it's the Maryland Terps.
Yeah. They do say fear the turtle as their slogan. Yeah.
I'd never once in my life.
A very scary animal. No, but you should see this one. This one's angry. Is it one of those big, muscly, rocking-looking ones? I think they've gone through. I think you're thinking of a ninja turtle. Oh. Yeah. So scary. That is famously scary turtle. Is it one of those big ones that lives in a sewer, eats pizza, has a bandana over its eyes, has weapons?
That's a terrapin. And that's a terrapin?
Okay, cool. Yeah, I'm familiar. I do genuinely like every sports team. It's mostly minor league baseball teams that have, like, a very non-threatening, like, they're the chipmunks or something. Oh, yeah.
A tree. I like, like, when it's not even an animal, they're like, we're a friggin tree.
It's so patronizing because they're not in the big leagues. So it's even more like, not only are you not where you want to be, but also you are a bumblebee. There's, like, the Montgomery Biscuits, which are just, like, a stack of pancakes. Really?
Yeah, it's got a big mouth. That's the best. Honestly, it's a dorm.
It's like a baseball team, I think. It's a triple A baseball team.
Oh, that's cute. Yeah, I want more of that. I feel like too many major league teams try to look the design look cool and be the name. I don't need that. You are always a proponent of the wholesome. Like, that is. Oh, yeah. Very much. Yeah, get, like, a fun reindeer team or something. I don't know. Ooh, a little seasonal.
Have you guys seen how big moose are? Have you seen one in real life? I haven't, but. Do you see one?
Lying again. Stop. Stop challenging everything I say.
Why don't you just tell us a true thing about you? Where are you really from? What's your real language? I was born of a cave. What's your actual language? ASL.
I was flown here on a ship many, many years ago. You were flown here on a ship? On an airship? Like a zeppelin?
And boy was I pampered.
That one was not me trying to get on your ass. That was genuine curiosity. Because you know nothing about Iowa. You thought I had seen a moose. No, really, people travel. I don't know. Who? They're like Alaska. That's where it's a real.
But you really do need to look up how big a moose is. Because in your head, you have a perception of how big a moose is. But they're massive. Even when I see horses, I'm like, look. But then once you figure out, once you have put into context how big a moose is, then know that this is true.
Killer whales are natural predators of moose. How do they get to them? When moose are swimming between archilagos in Alaska, when they're swimming between islands, killer whales will come up and just eat them.
Is that not insane? I didn't even know moose swam. Wow.
They do. I learned this from Dudley D. Wright. I thought they sank. They're heavy like a big old rock. I just didn't think they went in the water. I just thought they walked on land.
Well, it shows how much you know about moose. I don't know a thing about a moose.
I did know that if your car drives into it, you can die. They will wreck your car. Well, if you see it, you've got to go. You've got to go faster, yeah. I hear they'll light your car on fire.
Yeah. With their hot fire breath. Yeah.
They'll slander your family and your name. They're rude animals. They'll ruin your legacy.
Yeah. I was so glad I've never seen one. Yeah. Should we play the game that we have? Yes. I brought it in my pocket. Yes.
We have a fun game. Do you guys know about this game? Anyone brief you on it?
I don't believe so. No.
They literally just said show up at this room now. We're like, all right. Yeah. We're going to play a little game. This game has been on this show before.
It is Cocktail or Crime Fiction Novel by best-selling author, Michael Connelly. Question mark. Wonderful. If you guess the cocktail, what's in it? If it's a novel, what's it about?
Oh, great. We'll think to expand your palette. Cool.
What happens if we get it wrong? Are we in trouble?
I whip ya. We'll take it off. Okay.
First question is Void Moon. Is this question to anyone specifically or to the group? Good question.
We can do the group. To the group.
No, all of them. Ryan has to answer. Okay.
I don't even know the answer. It's not visible to me right now. Lily doesn't know.
Void Moon.
To me, that's a novel. That is a novel.
I think it's a cocktail. That's a drink to me. Yeah. Ooh. Something like a little white moon-like berry and a dark liqueur. Wow. Somebody took that because I had no idea what drinks are made out of. I made it up. I know that I'm right, but I want you to be right.
That sounds really good. Doesn't it sound tasty? It does sound really good.
A pop a little lichey in there? What's the name of the author again? Michael Connolly, which I thought was a fake. The book follows a protagonist named Lacey Dupont. Great.
Of the Dupont fortune.
And Void Moon is, it's not about astrology, you think it would be, but she is, I believe, an international business woman who also has a flair for dark dealings and stuff. My little backroom cigar-filled room of dark dealings. But it's cool because it follows a female protagonist in a world that is predominantly dominated.
Yeah. Written by a man, yes. And it's written by a man of force. Right. And that's what we need. And he's pandering, and that's weird. Sure. But yeah, I've read it. It's fantastic. At the airport? Here is the answer, novel.
Cassie Black is another beautiful woman in a Porsche, except she just did six years in prison and still has quote, quote, outlaw juice flowing in her veins. Outlaw juice!
That's a cocktail. Gotta get out of here. Outlaw juice is a kid rock song. You gotta hide me that shit out.
Now Cassie's returning to her old profession, taking down a money man in Vegas. But the perfect heist goes very wrong, and suddenly Cassie is on the run. At least she's got the outlaw juice.
Good God. Goodness.
I want to say I felt pretty close on that one. I mean, that was very close.
I mean, another girl in a Porsche is, wow. Just another gal in a Porsche. That is where you know that book was written by a dude. The tagline for it starts off with, she's not just another hot girl in a Porsche.
It's like, all right. And listen, I know those. All right.
This next one is The Concrete Blonde. This is a drink to me. It feels like we're just naming things after me.
Is that not? No, you're glad. You're definitely going to win.
Concrete? I mean, you think concrete.
Like, just, you know. Yeah. Concrete Blonde, I think, has to be a drink. But that's like a sex on the beach. Yeah. It's going to be like a shanty type thing. It's got milk or egg whites in it for sure. Well, now I already said drink once, so I want to say drink again also. Sure.
Because if I say book and I'm wrong again, I just hate my job. You'll be humiliated. Sure. I'll be so ashamed.
Oh, God. Yeah, it feels like Concrete Blonde is maybe, it's either in the milk or egg white family or it's citrusy, like a lemon. Yes. It's like a pineapple-y. Yeah. But what's a drink that's a blonde? Is that a thing? It's a beer, usually. Yeah, like a shanty. Oh, yeah. Oh, a shanty. It does sound like a kind of beer that they give out after military 10Ks. Here's your concrete blonde.
Yes. Good job for running it. Yep. Thanks from Tough Mudder. Yeah, they do that. Or like, it's that brewery that your dad always wants to go to and he likes one specific drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the whole family has to go on Sunday. Yes. And it's that, yeah. And he's like, all right. Okay.
It is a novel. Wow. No.
Look like a sinker. They call him the Dollmaker, a serial killer who stalks Los Angeles. Oh, that's what we do. And leaves a grisly calling card on the faces of his victims. Like the bear. Concrete?
When a suspect is shot by Detective Harry Bosch, the TV shit? Of Bosch? Everyone believes the city's nightmare is over until a new corpse is found with the Dollmaker's macabre signature.
Wow. Damn, you can't drink that at all. That's a story. I would drink that up. Cheers.
Great book. The detective goes to a bar in the novel and then orders.
A concrete block? Yeah, he could drink related, we'll take. What if there's no concrete block in that?
That is just the name of the book. Thank you. Okay. The next one is A Short Trip to Hell.
That is a drink. That's a drink. Because it's jokey like a drink would be at like a bad bar. Yeah. Yeah, one of those novelty drinks. Yeah, there wasn't too serious. They're novels. This is a drink. It's a dive bar in like a, yeah, yeah. It was like a like Jaeger and a shot or something.
Yes. I was a yes.
Now to me, this is a horse name. A horse name. A horse name drink to hell. Horse names are crazy.
Yeah. Wasn't one name like Bitcoin recently? Really? No, that's not true.
The one that won. Was that a dream? The race. That was not a dream. Yeah, he dreamt that. The one that won the, not the Westminster because that's for dogs.
The Kentucky Derby.
He had like a crazy name. What was it? I couldn't remember. Yeah, I couldn't tell you.
Bitcoin.
I would love a one horse in the Westminster dog show also though. That's a big dog. This is a big boy. But the horse is two guys in a horse costume.
Yeah. Has everyone put their guesses in? Drink. Yeah, it's got to be a drink. It is indeed a drink. Yeah.
And it sounds delicious. It's peach, strawberry, wild berry, schnapps. Did someone say schnapps?
No. Red Bull and Jaegermeister. Someone said Jaeger. Jaeger.
Wow. Very well done.
Does it say where? Where it's from?
It's actually in the Dark Void. The Moon Void.
God damn it. Yes. It just says abyss in the forgotten language. Yeah, very strange. It's just like a little fruity, spicy drink. Yeah. Very, very fruity.
This one's hangover. This one's going to be fun because you just don't know. Widow's Kiss. Ooh, this is a fun one. Ooh. That's like what Evil Knievel did to like break his leg or something, you know. That's like a daredevil like kiss. It's like a stuntman. You can't do that. It sounds like the name of like a pass in like a Western, you know. Yeah. Hangover down pass Widow's Kiss. That's the last thing you'll ever see. This is a fun third beat to this game is us making just a third thing.
What else? Any category. Anything else.
Yeah. I'm going to say it's a book because I've been wrong on everything so far and I'd like to just keep the streak going. To me, it's a strawberry shot that makes your lips darker. Like, you know, like, or like your teeth. So it's like a widow's kiss. Like you're like, you have lipstick kind of. Oh, that's fun. I like that. It screws up your teeth and mouth. Yeah. Because if you kiss a widow, it'll screw up your teeth and mouth. Yeah. I mean, we all know this. Yeah.
To me, it's a book about spiders. It's Charlotte's Web.
Like a black widow's kiss.
Yeah. Yeah, this is making me realize how little I know of mixology. And books. I know nothing I can ask. No. I need to go drink more is what this is saying. Yeah. Or not read more books.
You guys want to ditch this and go drink? Should we leave it up? Are we done? Let's go drink? We have all the questions?
It is 4 p.m. It is 4 p.m. on a Tuesday, so.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh, indeed. Uh-oh, this one.
A fog cutter. Now, this, to me, is a Pokemon move. This is definitely is a grass tiny. This is a slang name for a fart.
Yeah, to me, this is Ryan after he's had a little bit too much salsa. Ooh. And boy, do I love salsa. That's salsa.
You got to stop drinking that. He drinks it straight. He drinks it up. I usually do that at Baja Fresh. I would go to Baja Fresh and get a little cups of the salsa. And just drink it. And just honestly just eat and drink it.
Chunky or light? Good question. Uh, this actually was Pico, so it was chunk. I mean, it was just all tomatoes.
You were drinking Pico. Yeah, I was drinking Pico. Wait, would you go and pound it in store? Sounds like you were eating Pico. I would get a burrito or something. And then I would get like way too much Pico in those little things.
And then I would just be, I have too many. And then I just used to eat them all. I used to love half and half just drinking a ton of those as a kid.
They're so good. It's just so much fat and cream and milk. It's delicious.
Oh, I was like dessert. This kid I went to high school with, he came to like an activity or something we had and he was not looking very good. And I was like, are you OK? And he was like, I just ate an entire bottle of whipped cream. And I was like, why?
And he was like, well, I saw it said only 10 calories. And then I saw it was 120 servings. So he ate 1,200 calories for the whipped cream.
And he was just sitting there the whole day. But he just like sat at home.
He thought he was eating air. He was like, I don't know. It's wild he cared enough to read about the calories but couldn't do the math.
The math, yeah. Yeah, did not see the big 120 servings. I mean, that gets me all the time too. I'm like, oh yeah, it's only 100 calories. But there's like three servings in a bag. And it's like, those aren't right. Bags of serving. The 100 little calorie bags.
What is a fuck?
This feels like a book about a small town. And there's a small sheriff. He's very small. Small town. Very small. A small sheriff. And the power goes out or sort of like the mist situation. He's got to go up through the hillside to make sure everybody in his very small town is OK. This is a small town.
Just two guys in a tub. It's Ryan and I. Are these your guys' pilot ideas? And guys, this is a nice time to pivot in our pilot presentation.
Is there any Pico in it? No. No Pico. I'm just going to look at it again just to make sure there's no Pico.
Almond flavored syrup is the closest. Which is something they use notoriously to bake Pico. Almond flavoring isn't baking right. Like if you've ever had like, you know how some cookies taste a little bit weird? Like there's that like sweet bitterness to them, like a frosted cookie. Yeah. That's almond flavoring in a cookie. And like some sugar cookies have it and some don't.
And as I'm saying this, I'm realizing this is something maybe only I know. And it is weird. It is weird.
I believe you on this one. Do you bake a lot? Yeah, this one we're going to support. Do you bake a lot?
My grandparents grew up in a small town in Minnesota that had a bunch of like Dutch bakeries, and they used a lot of almond flavoring. And my mom hates almond flavoring. And every time we got a cookie, she'd be like, I don't want any, I don't like almond flavoring. And that's, I don't know how I got so far on the team. Anyone say almond?
No.
I got laughed at at too many bakeries, so I switched to almond. You said almond? Almond. Almond and the chipmunks. So is that a thing that you got a lot of? Yeah, the bakeries. They're like, you mean like almond and the chipmunks?
Whoo! Another roast at the bakery. Roasted! Still no sales yet, but we roasted another one.
I run out crying. They're notorious for like...
That's enough. That's it. Should we move on to the next one? Yes.
The next one is, so we usually read a rejected college humor sketch that one of us wrote. And I jokingly last time said, hey, I got a rejected mod sketch that I wrote. And a mod is a sketch house team thing at UCB. And so we're going to read this mod sketch I wrote a while ago.
Wonderful. Exciting. Very exciting.
And I'm just going to say, the reason this never got put up anywhere is because I was too cheap to make it. Ah, sure. That's a funny reason. So, Lily, why don't you play Jerr number four? Ooh, spicy. Ryan, why don't you play Jerry Foreman? All right.
And then, Callen, why don't you read Jerry number four? Callen, why don't you read Jerry number one?
Got it. And two. Got it. And I'll do three. I think that's all the characters. Oh, and then, we'll just pick it up as we go. Sweet. I'll do the stage.
OK, this is called Gorilla Jury. Love it. Interior, jury deliberation room day. Lights up on five jurors and one gorilla. Jury members, as your foreman, I'll count initial votes for this charge of murder in the first degree.
Everyone OK with that? Everyone agrees?
Uh-huh.
So, I didn't say anything during the trial because we weren't allowed to speak, but does anyone else notice that juror number five is a silverback gorilla? Look, buddy, juror number five went through the same jury selection process we did. The state deemed her intelligent enough to become a citizen of these United States. And just like the rest of us, Bobo Larry here is obligated to fulfill her civic duty and serve on a jury. Now, let's count the votes. Doesn't Bobo Larry have a handler or something? How are we supposed to communicate with it? Juror number five did have a handler, but she did not pass jury selection. For a zookeeper, she turned out to be very racist. Meanwhile, juror number five... Just call it Bobo Larry. Whatever.
Let's count the votes. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty banana. Well, we almost could have gone home, but one of us voted banana. I'm pretty sure it was the gorilla who voted banana. It's a secret vote. You don't know who voted for what. We all wrote down our vote on paper ballots. You received five paper ballots and one physical banana.
I think maybe it's the juror who doesn't know how to write. Ooh, an awkward beat. Ouch.
Well, let's just talk it out, all right? All opinions are valid here.
I can see how the defendant is guilty and I can see how the defendant can be banana. What does that even mean? It could mean the defendant is yellow on the outside, like cowardly, and he killed out of fear, so it's not premeditated. Or it could mean he's one in a bunch and there are co-conspirators involved in the murder. Or it could mean the gorilla wants a goddamn banana. I don't think so.
These are great points. I've heard enough. Let's vote again. Juror number four, stand up. If we believe in the rule of law, then we should go and tell the judge right now to call a mistrial. Yeah, it could have been a conspiracy. No, because of the monkey. Everyone settle down, all right? We have one job and it's to vote. The jurors hand in their votes. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, banana, banana.
Ooh, didn't see that coming.
I'm telling y'all, the gorilla is going to vote banana all night. We're going to be here for weeks sequestered with this dumb fucking gorilla. And why is it so goddamn hot in here? We're all sweating like pigs except for the monkey. Well, you can't freeze the monkey. He's from the jungle.
Juror number four goes up to Bobo Larry. I'm trying to get the fuck out of here and go to a Mets game. You either vote guilty like the rest of us or at least vote not guilty. Do you hear me? There's a beat. Bobo Larry sneezes in jury number four's face.
The bailiff knocks on the door. The jury former walks over and gets a bag of food.
All right, guys, food's here. We might as well eat if we're going to be here all night. All right, let's see.
Juror number four struggles for a bit and finally frees himself. All right, enough horsing around. All right, let's vote again.
I'm telling you it's going to be the exact same goddamn result. Well, then I guess we'll be here until the end of time until we figure it out. You know what, fuck it.
Let's just all vote banana. I'll vote banana too and we'll just go back in there and tell the judge we find the defendant banana. Whatever that means because nothing matters anymore since there's a gorilla in a cumin jury. All right, I'm in. Let's vote. They vote. Former collects. Banana, banana, banana, banana, banana, banana and guilty. Who voted? You got to be fucking joking me. Who voted guilty?
The bailiff enters. Sorry, jurors, but there's been a horrible mistake with the jury selection process. You think? We're going to swap one of you out with the alternate. All right, juror number two, you should have told us you were the defendant's cousin. Get out of here. Juror number two leaves banana man wearing one of those banana costumes answered. Here's your new juror. I know what you're thinking. I was just working at the county festival when I got the call.
Whoa, cold room in here, huh? What did I miss? The gorilla rushes banana man and eats him. Everyone looks shocked. Actually, I ordered the banana.
Blackout. Wow.
Now, you just wouldn't pay for one banana, correct? Yes, the bananas were too expensive. Banana and a gorilla costume.
Yes. The banana was at a time during a banana shortage, so it was quite expensive. Sure, yeah. I remember when bananas used to be $100 a piece. Yeah. Is that right? Banana inflation. Yeah. There was several.
I'm going to have the props as the takeout, too. Is that going to have to be a prop? I guess that would have been a prop, too.
But you can just have bags. Yeah, that's true.
The costumes are probably what drove the pipe. You're missing the costume. Can't you always borrow costumes from other people?
Just ask around. I didn't know if anyone had one. Did you ask? I didn't ask. I never asked. Well, I never asked.
You wrote a five. Apologize.
Anyone has a gorilla costume. Send it here. Ask them to mail it to you. You can just mail whatever you want here.
He's already got a turkey. Turkey? And send me a gorilla costume, but for different reasons. Yeah. And what reasons would those be?
ASL. Sex language.
I will say, when I was a kid, my very old Chinese grandmother would sometimes mail me stuff for Halloween for fun. And as a little girl, you want to be like, a witch, a princess, a very whatever. One year she mailed me just in a bag, and I pull it out, a truly horrifying rubber gorilla mask with big holes in her eyes and just hair. Oh my gosh. And with big teeth, like a big mouth, a big red mouth. My God. And she was like, it was on sale. So would she send you costume stuff every year? She would just send me stuff sometimes, but I just very specifically remember she sent me this truly terrifying gorilla mask.
And I was like, thank you. Put it on, and I feel like I love it.
I just scare friends. I use it to scare friends. I never went out in Halloween wearing it. I have a lot of friends, and it's because I don't scare them.
Oh, that's a great idea. So if anybody was like, I don't have very many friends, is it because I'm scaring too many people? Yeah. Yeah, it's probably a part of it. That's usually the reason people don't have friends. Too scary. I agree, yeah. Halloween's a tough time for everyone, I think. What was that? Oh, it's just scary for everyone. It's too scary for you? Yep.
Why are you guys shaking your hands? Yeah, for the listeners. For the only listeners that just shook hands after agreeing. And that's why you gotta get on the video so you can just see a little of them like that. You're never gonna get to see such a good handshake.
Oh, it was great. You couldn't see our outfits, Kellen's outfit. What has been deemed a teen outfit. There was one Halloween one year where I wanted to go as Albert Einstein. I was like in fourth grade, like a child, like science is cool, let me be the science guy.
And the closest hair that you could get was from a store bought, it was Don King, the boxing promoter. Whoa. That is similar hair. So I got the hair and I was going around, I had this big coat and a science book and I would go house to house and every house was like, Don King, there he is. Oh no. That is insane that they all recognized Don King.
That is a very specific pop cultural moment. Wait, what year is this? This was like probably 99. Oh, so this is huge because it's like Mike Tyson's around, he's on TV.
Yeah, I remember watching stuff then. Yeah, but I had a mustache too, I guess, Don King has a mustache. Did you learn Don King facts? I mean, I learned it quickly. Were you wearing a name tag that said, Hi, I'm Don King? That was part of that.
I love Mike Tyson. I don't know who Don King is. I love exploiting Mike Tyson.
Yeah, exactly.
Bite that ear. That's all the Mike Tyson I really knew as a kid was that he bit an ear off. That's a scary movie. Have you seen that scene in scary movie where they just keep biting the ear off?
I have not. I don't know.
There are like 100 of those movies. First one, pretty good. Funny movie, yeah. Funny movie.
Well, speaking of scary movie, let's move on to our listener questions. Great. Okay. Oh, a long boy. Not too scary. So this is a long one. But if you're on the Discord, you don't always send us questions. We'll answer them. Not too scary. Please, not scary. All right.
So this one comes from Lexi. Hey, all you beautiful writer people. Oh. So next year I graduate with my MFA in creative writing.
I'm going to be totally honest. I'm completely terrified. I guess I can only put off the real world for so long.
So here's a question. How did you all find your start in writing professionally? I feel like there's so many options and outlets out there, but my colleagues all want to be teachers. So I'm kind of drifting this weird freaky void of, well, I want this job or that job or maybe this one somehow. Seriously, like, I just love to hear your stories because in my eyes are all success stories.
Wow.
Well, I mean, you're going to be a great writer because that was long. True. That was good. Longing for right. And that is, I mean, if George RR Martin has taught us anything. Long and don't finish it. Long is good. Yes. I guess, well, I got this job that made me into a professional writer technically by taking sketch classes and continuing to write sketch comedy for like three to four years. Yeah. That was my, that's my path.
I also feel like I think I maybe saw and responded to this question on Discord or I saw it and then did not respond. You dreamt it. I dreamt it. I am dreaming this question.
I'm scratching it up and says, Lilly on here. But I was going to say, I understand that pressure.
Like Lexi was saying that like, Oh, a lot of their peers are going into like teaching or whatever one way or another, when like a lot of people who do the same things, you go one way. I think you just have to listen to yourself and like you do not have to feel obligated to go down the same path and use your degree in the same way. A degree can be used in so many different ways. One of my best friends just got it like a PhD in English and like was maybe going to go down like academia and then just like decided like she liked administrative working with students, like kind of work better and just like changed and did that path. And then like your wants and goals will change over time and you just have to listen to that. That's assuming the job you want is accessible to you in the first.
Sure, sure. Yeah, and that's the tricky part. I mean, my thoughts on it are it's so much a persistence and endurance game in terms of you doing your thing. Because I mean, I think even if you were to look at anyone here or anyone in a professional writing environment, it's also hard to base where you're at versus them because it's also such a fleeting thing in a way where everyone comes into their spot at different times and it's not a forever thing. So it's like I think as long as you get the reps and enjoy the process of doing it and with people that you enjoy doing it with, that will set you up for I think what you want to do and it will also like make it a little less precious or at least it did for me to just be like oh, I now enjoy the process of doing it so there's less of a if I don't get this, then my life is over. Yeah. Yeah, my thing is there are so many avenues now for you to make stuff on your own versus like 10 years ago when you had that like know somebody or have the resources and the money. It's all like, especially like I mainly work in social, but that's how I got to doing anything was because it was like oh, I'm going to start tweeting a bunch because it teaches me to write a joke every day and then now I can write jokes and then now I'm making stuff all the time and it's like finding whatever that specific thing is for you. Like I wanted to be a joke writer so I was like I'm going to find a way to write jokes every day. Totally. Whatever your thing is, find that avenue because like there are forums and like channels and stuff for like for you guys, you know, sketch, like you went to a place where that was like oh, I'm going to be around people who are doing the same thing and making the same thing and that, I mean, I feel like that's it. It's learning the process, liking the process, doing the process. Just to think of even if you don't immediately get to do the thing that you want to do if you do the thing that you are doing the best you can and find like things to learn from it, it can indirectly end up leading you to other things you like because I feel like I backdoored my way into sketch writing. I didn't write a lot of sketch. I just did a lot of improv, a lot of acting, a lot of comedy and that like ended up becoming writing. And I think that to that point, that's the importance to me of being around people equally or more funny than you are, to get you in an environment where you improve. Because I think left world, at least for me, I got so much better the second I started being with people that were very good. So that was part of it too. Yeah, being in an environment where you're constantly getting, putting your work out there and then also getting feedback on it and kind of going through and seeing like oh, this is like what didn't go as well as I thought I would and just having that constant loop so you can like think about how to improve yourself because it's like, it's like art is such a personal journey. You kind of have to figure out your own way of what works for you and what productivity method works for you and stuff like that. Totally. Yeah, and writing is such that you end up isolating yourself so much. Like I think a lot of us are probably more drawn towards just like I'll just do it myself or I'll just go lock myself away and do this thing. And the more you can be around those people that are like, intimidate you funny wise or you're like, I can never, but you can be around them and like genuinely be their friend. You learn so much so fast.
Totally. Yeah. Totally agree. Wow.
Next quest.
Okay. Let's go. Ooh, right. This one's from Colby Jack.
Ooh, the cheese. The cheese can write. Cheese can write. Cheese can write good. Impressive.
Do you use analytics and SEO to decide concepts for sketches slash shows slash posts or do you decide what to write purely or do you think is funny? Sometimes I get frustrated that everyone in my job is so data focused so it would be great to hear that either it's important everywhere or that there are still some jobs that aren't beholden to something that I find incredibly cold and creativity draining.
That's a very good question. That's a great question. That's like a question for social boys.
Yeah, that's like right up our alley. Yeah, I think. We talk about this a lot too. Yeah, I think for me it's a battle of always trying to want to do the stuff that I think is funny. But it's you are working for a company and need to be making stuff that is either trending or in some capacity what everyone's talking about. So it is kind of a dicey walking the line of and I don't think I do it. It's such a great thing. Sure. I don't know how you do one or the other. It's kind of a mix. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird because for both of us our thing kind of became our own thing. Right. Like in our independent social lives. But for us, at least our process right now because we're newer and it's like more in the early phases.
It's a lot of like how can we put a spin on what's going on in the pop culture bubble that is relevant to our senses of humor as individuals because we're creating it. The company's sense of humor or like brand because that's who we're making it for. And then by using that hopefully the audience is like engaging with it because it's in the main conversation. And it's like a really weird segmented like, okay, we think this is funny. Do we need to tweak it because it'll appeal to the audiences that way?
Yeah. And does it align with the company? Totally. Like how the company is presenting itself as well. Yeah. How's it for sketch? I mean we get, there's no like parameters really. Yeah. Besides like some. Every once in a while we'll be like, let's try to pitch to like repeatable prompts. Yes. Or whatever.
For the most part I feel a lot of like freedom to just write whatever I want to. But I don't mind prompts. I think prompts are helpful.
It's not helpful always to have just like the vast expanse of anything. Limitations are helpful. And also I think like, I don't know, like I think like having integrity in your work and doing what you want is great. But at the end of the day, like we are making stuff to be consumed. So no matter what, there always is a relationship between us and an audience, whether that's like we want a lot of people to like it or we want people to think it's really artful or whatever. Response is a factor of that equation. We're not making it for nobody.
Yeah. Like you'll pitch something and it's like, you guys ever like, do you guys know about this thing? And everyone's like, I have no idea what you're talking about. You're like, okay, well I can't write a schedule. There's only I know about it. It's such a weird feeling. Yeah.
I like writing with parameters. I say this analogy a lot, but I love, there's that scene in like, I don't think I've even seen the whole movie, but in Apollo 13, where they're like ship, their spaceship is all screwed up. And then down in like NASA world, they're like, all the engineers are gathered in a room and they like have a box of all of like the items that they have on the spaceship. And they're like, we have to get like this like circular tube into this like box hole or whatever. We have these items. How do we do this? Like, I love that. There's writing with parameters of just like, I need to make something funny with like these things in them.
That is for me, like way easier for me to write then. Yeah. Skies on limit, do whatever you want. It's also easier on your mind. Absolutely. Because like, when like you have this pocket of things you can pull from and combinations and stuff versus like, okay, I have this idea and now I've got to frame it and now I've got to like, it's I prefer that. For sure. I think it's harder than having to come up with a funny specific of nouns not related to anything at all. Absolutely. That's why writing those breaking news sketches can be so hard sometimes. Oh yeah, that was tough. Yeah. The flip side of that is also though, when you have to write, like you've done like a packet for like a late night show where...
It's like super topical. Super topical.
And there's only so many like types of punch lines you can write for like a Bernie Sanders joke. Like you can only joke that he's like old and says like, talks about like percentages a lot. Like those are the only real punch lines that you have available to you. You're like, I can't. And those, I mean...
There's nothing else about him. There's nothing else. That's all I know.
And here's the thing about comedy. I mean, it's percentage is being old. And being old.
And that's when you come to learn. And I can't wait to grow up and just kind of really understand, you know, that the only jokes he can make about Bernie Sanders are that he talks about percentages. That's all you have.
It's like try to write one, you know, whatever it is. No, but it's like that. That Conan Rider released her like segues or like her like structure breakdown where she's like, if you need setups and like how, like this is how we format everything. And it was like, it's such a methodical, like that's almost too much for me. Like there's that happy medium. It is very much.
Yes. Yeah. All right. Well, our next question. Random question. Is the house of cards on the wall of props standing on its own? Of course. Absolutely.
Grab it. I'm missing the beat so far. Grab it.
It's nice together and honest together as we may have thought. Oh, wait.
Bring it in. Can you bring it in? Bring it in.
There we go. Oh, there we go.
Yeah. So I guess the answer to this question is a little bit of both. Yeah. It's held together. It was at one point held together and is now falling apart. It looks pretty good to me. I like that that was a nice active question. Yeah. It was right in the room.
Oh, our bodies? Yeah, our bodies. I'm sorry. Our bodies? Yeah. We all moved. Our bodies, our minds.
Wow. I don't want to be this guy, but I just kind of felt like I did all the work on that. No. We were moving when we were saying grab it. Yes. We were momentum building, you know.
Well, I just kind of, I just, my role feels a little diminished and that's fine. Okay. Well, on that note, I think that wraps up some aggressive. All right.
The Maryland state flag. Maryland state flag.
Check it out. Google, I would search the flag. Check out Terrapins.
They mostly live in sewers. They mostly eat pizza and are trained in Marshall, various martial arts. We get some pizza.
Yeah, that's good. Fuck away from a moose. Yes. And don't definitely don't ride one of its swimming because then you will end up in a killer whales. Yeah.
Which could be fun if you're a little wooden boy. If you're a little wooden boy who was just smoking cigars.
So just keep this all in mind. Keep this all in mind.
Catch me at Bob Fresh eating salsa. It's Pico.
That's it.
Bye.
Hey, unless you hate fun, which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all. |
ClickHole | ex_poachers_talk_about_how_solving_a_crime_with_a_rhino_made_them_reconsider_their_job | My name is Rick, and I used to make a living poaching rhinos for their horns. When I was poaching, I was thinking about the money, the thrill of it. I'm ashamed to say that I was never, ever thinking about the amazing detective work I could do with a rhino if the two of us teamed up to solve a crime. This is a rhino I killed, and this is the rhino that helped me catch my father's killer. I was down by the docks in Cape Town Harbor one night when I saw a drug murder go down just 50 feet from me. The only other witness? A white rhino. That rhino and I spent the next six months working to bust South Africa's biggest drug ring wide open.
It was dangerous as hell, but that beautiful animal went undercover as a street tough in order to build a case against the drug dealers. At one point, the leader of the syndicate had him pinned up against a wall, switchblade to his throat. If they had found out that rhino was wearing a wire, he wouldn't have made it out of there. But the motherfucker kept his cool, and we heard enough to put those bastards away for life.
It made me realize that the most valuable part of rhinos isn't their horns. It's their crime-solving abilities. When I give anti-poaching talks in high schools, all I have to do is show them the newspaper headline from the day after we busted the drug ring.
My father was found dead in his home in September of 2010. The police let the case go cold. Six years later, there was only one officer who still cared, and he happened to be a rhino. Teaming up with him changed my life. That rhinoceros officer and I searched my father's house up and down for anything that could lead us to his murder. I had almost lost hope when suddenly he started scratching the ground in the backyard with his horn. And lo and behold, he dug up a couple of old shell casings. We traced them to a gun owned by an old employee of my dad's when the guy ended up confessing. It still gives me chills to think that the rhino that solved my dad's murder could have easily been a rhino I would have gladly killed for his precious horn.
Well, in between poaching jobs, I worked freelance as a private detective. One day, this rich guy calls me over to his house and says, My niece has been kidnapped. You and this rhino here are going to find her.
I told him, I don't solve crimes with rhinos. I kill them. He told me, not today.
The rhino and I drove cross country tracking the kidnapper. Eventually, we caught up with the kidnapper and ran him off the road out by an old gas station. I told the rhino not to be a hero, but he didn't listen. He got out of the car and started immediately charging at the kidnapper. That sicko gunned the rhino down on the spot. I shot the kidnapper and saved the girl. But by the time I got to the rhino, it was too late.
He was dead. I left his horn out of respect. That rhino wasn't my prey. He was my partner. And you don't steal a horn off your partner's face. |
SaturdayNightLive | garrett_from_hinge_wedding_snl | When I'm with you, Brian, the past melts away. But before I met you, I had to kiss a lot of frogs.
And by that, I mean I used all the apps. But seriously, some of those guys on those dating apps are the worst.
But when I met you six years ago, I knew I had found the one. I love you so much. Beautiful vows, Jill.
Now, should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy Matrimoning, Speak Now or forever. Hold your peace. Hey. um, like, excuse me? like, objection, I guess?
I'm sorry. who are you? um, I'm Garrett from Hinge, aka the guy who just randomly caught a stray in your wedding vows. But I guess, congrats on getting married to, like, a pointy Leonardo Dicaprio. um, yeah. uh, I, oh my god, I remember you. Oh, yes, we went on a hinge date, and you kept saying I had hufflepuff vibes but the ass of a slytherin. Yeah, that's a huge compliment.
Well, look, can you please just leave? Ok, fine. I'll just go to the bathroom, and when I come back, we can figure all this out. figure what out?
I mean, how did you even find out about this wedding? Oh, um, maybe because my best friend is the organist here.
Garrett, I know your feelings are hurt, and that's really hard. But no matter what, you cannot kill them.
All right. I thought about it, you guys. and I think you need to make the decision. it's either me or him. it's him, And please stop standing like your shirt. Oh, sucks. whatever.
I'm not even on hinge anymore. not after I got accepted to Raya, after I went viral for screaming on an airplane. And yeah, I matched with the Rachel Dolezal. Brian, I am so sorry this is happening. it's not your fault, babe. Oh, Brian. sorry, that was my Stewie Griffin impression. Whoa, Garrett, that was actually an amazing impression. You know, I do a pretty good Lois myself. Oh, let's hear it. Beta! it's like she's in the room with me. it's time for Bex, Stewie. you vile woman. And I'm Cleveland Brown.
What is happening? Brian, you're being ridiculous. ridiculous? Wow. now she's giving her man lip on his wedding day. You know, that nasty little yum-yutting attitude is exactly why I broke up with yo sorry ass. You know what? this is getting out of control. me and Garrett are going to go to the bathroom, and then we can figure all this out. What?
Brian, no! I know it's hard, Brian. I know she hurt your feelings, but no matter what, you cannot kill her.
But I really want to. I know. it's so tempting.
Oh, why did I bring my book of spells? Gosh, and I really wish I didn't bring my killing wand. You know what? this is getting really toxic for me, and I just need to remove myself from this situation. Goodbye, Brian. goodbye, Garrett. where did you come from, you beautiful angel? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Latest_From_Victoria_The_Crisis_In_Canberra_The_Trans_Tasman_Bubble_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulleted and a special shout out this week to our mate Jim Treloar pushing sheep down there in the cold semi-arid country of South Australia. Keep up the good work Jim and keep up the moustache. Your family are very proud of it and they're very proud of you. Now today's show is obviously hosted by myself Clancy, overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and I am joined by the Kay McGrath of the Diamond Tina Shire, our news reader Wendell Hussey. How are you Wendell? Very well thank you Clancy and very happy to be a regional Queensland man on a week like this.
Errol's gone down to the Sunshine Coast. Yeah, never knew, never took him as a Storm fan but he saw those crowds, he had to get a piece of it. There you go, well I hope he's having a lot of fun.
Let's start off this week's bulletin with some national news and we wrote a story about the state of things down there in Melbourne. The headline on that one was, reverse psychology, Premier Daniel Andrews tells Melburnians to go out and have fun in the hope they keep disobeying him. Yes, things are looking very grim down there. We say that time and time again but you know, it's just getting worse. They're ranging from 400 to 700 a day and there's whispers of upwards of a thousand but as a result of that and the fact that huge numbers of Melburnians have been refusing to follow instructions, Dan Andrews has decided to change tack a bit. He's telling them to go out and have fun as if this pandemic never happened. And he's obviously hoping that Melburnians keep ignoring his orders and do the opposite so it's an interesting little ploy there. Now moving along to our next story and we broke an exclusive about one of the horrible flow on effects of the virus down in Melbourne.
We obtained an image of a group of Melburnians on a small raft floating on the Murray and the headline on that story was, Victorian refugees crossing the Murray just want a bright future for their families. Really heartbreaking stuff this was. The group were just one of hundreds trying to dodge the authorities and make it across the mighty river to get to a safe new home. Now obviously a lot of Australians are concerned that most of these boat people on the Murray are just economic refugees trying to settle in the north and west of the country.
So there's been a bit of negative sentiment towards them and one comment which typified that sentiment was from Digby Jones who said, I disagree with the comments about them being better looking and having more skills but I think it's a sentiment that we'll see Scott Morrison tap into any second now. I will say that they do mispronounce castle. You can just see that in the comments from all of the Victorians on the border saying they just want to move to Newcastle. And I agree with you. I think Scott Morrison will tap into that. It's free political points so it makes sense to dunk them.
Moving along now and it's yet another sad COVID-19 story. Canberra is on the brink of an economic collapse after COVID-19 ends all U6 excursions.
Yes you got a feel for the Bush Capital don't you? They've weathered a fair bit since they were created because Melbourne and Sydney couldn't stop trying to big dick each other. But this might be their greatest battle yet. The holy trinity of the War Memorial Parliament House and Questacon has been brought undone and things are looking pretty ordinary down there. Yeah a Zoom Questacon slide or a virtual weird mirror trick doesn't really cut it.
But I would say this, I feel more for the employees at places like JJ's and McDonald's in Civic who make money off excited regional kids with a bit of coin from their parents than I do for the public servants at those government businesses who can probably just take some of that leave they've accrued. Now next up and we've got a local story to break things up a little bit. A Betuda Heights man has had his bogan card revoked after he threw out his washing machine without removing the drum for a fire pit. Yes I know Rod actually he's a bloke in question here and Rod mate hand it in. Hand in your card. What's next you'll be saying you want to move into a house that isn't double brick and doesn't have a triple garage for your jet ski and two luxury work vehicles. Or he might say he hates revving the shit out of an outboard motor. Or collecting old cars to do up where does it end? I mean we all make mistakes sometimes lord knows and I shouldn't have said what I said to the Baddoori Bulldogs coach the other weekend but I think Rod handing in your bogan card is completely acceptable and it is what is expected of you. You are not a bogan unless you remove the steel drum from your washing machine and use it as a fire pit before you throw out the white goods. Here here it won't be easy Rod but it'll be worth earning back.
Now our final story of the week is courtesy of our Kiwi neighbours and Jacinda Ardern has admitted that the Trans-Tasman travel bubble is now as likely as New Zealand losing the Bledisloe Cup. Which if you are not a rugby union fan and that is very acceptable if you identify as someone who is not a rugby union fan in 2020 the chance of them losing the Bledisloe Cup is next to zero. Right next to zero. So if you were hoping for a little Queenstown ski trip or a road trip up the north or south island don't get your hopes up. And I don't want to blame it on Sydney or Melbourne but that is on you Sydney and Melbourne so thank you.
And on that solemn note that is all from us here at the Poterda Advocate for this week. We'll talk to you again bright and early on Monday morning. But until then enjoy your weekend and treat every draft beer as if it's your last.
Because as this year has shown you never know what's around the corner. Hooroo! |
dropout | who_would_you_be_on_game_of_thrones_with_james_corden | Hello, good evening and welcome to Who Would You Be, the game show where we ask the toughest question of all, which is of course, who would you be? Tonight, we're talking Game of Thrones! Okay, first up, Murph, I've got a question for you. Who would you be on King's Landing? Oh, um... Tuffy. Yeah, uh, I think I'd be Tyrion because I'm pretty smart, but also...
I'm sorry, Murph, that's incorrect. That I'm smart? It's incorrect? Everything you just said is incorrect. Just keep guessing? Ideally.
I'd be Jaime Lannister. I'd be Tywin Lannister.
It's not joke time, we're actually doing this. Who would you be? Actual you. Don't ask them, don't shh.
You are actually a teenage girl! You lack control in most situations and frankly, most viewers would rather be watching someone else.
Next up, Emily, great to have you here. Thank you.
I've got a tricky one for you. Who would you be across the narrow sea? Okay, well, that's not that tricky because I'd obviously be Daenerys I'm sorry, that's that's as wrong as you'll ever be because people underestimate her which guys grow in power and exactly Yes, you're right. That will never be you Maybe miss under because she's like smart and like super helpful, you know, the characters really well It sounds like you don't know yourself at all Who would you be? Dario, I'm sorry. Are you saying that you'd be Dario? Yes Well, you know You are Yes, you are well done You're known to lie to those who care about you causing them to force you out of their lives all together It's true. I push people away trap What a go on big dick. I thought we were just gonna have like a fun conversation Oh, I think everyone's having a great time. We'll be right guys Okay, it's a bit late now who would you be These two didn't get it beyond the wall. I want to give you a visual clue Say what you see not what you want.
Say what you see Be one of crasters inbred daughter wives. You'd be one of Inbred daughter wise you and all of your family are frankly a tragic depressing and disgusting Situation. Well, that's all the time we've got this week for who would you be join us next week with the same three contestants Well, we'll be playing who would you be the walking dead edition? Just to put you out of your misery Dale t-bone Laurie deal with it I think you're all losers tonight Hey, it's me Pat from College Humor click here to subscribe and here to watch another video and remember our YouTube channel technically contains no animal parts.
So it's vegan Think about it. Not too hard though |
cracked | five_stages_of_streaming_feat_onlyleigh | That's it! We're going streaming! Yay! This is so much better! Volumes!
Very true! Nothing like catching an ice flake from the comfort of my home. So, what are we watching? Uh... Focus! It's hard!
Oh my god, this is freaking impossible! Are half of these even real? Progress is awful. I hate choices. That's actually good because I kind of forgot to pay all of them except one.
Which one? Crackle. That still exists? How about this movie? A couple trapped in a loveless marriage...
No. Okay. An animated sitcom about a family and their seat otter pet who... No. A nature documentary that... Nope. 1977 Cannes Film Festival winner... Ugh, no. An M. Night Shumble... No!
Are we gonna do this all night? This step of the process is crucial. I'm not about to wreck my night with a viewing experience that's less than sublime. Then you browse! Fine.
No. Nope. Nay. No?
Okay. I know what I want to watch. Finally! What is it? Bloody Wednesday in Murderville. Spooky Unsolved Beheading Cases from Manchester. Jesus. Okay, fine. We're doing it!
Why is it still buffering? I may have also forgotten to pay the internet bill.
Okay. We moved to my place, chose a movie, picked up snacks, and went potty. Are we finally, finally ready to go? Meh. Excuse me? That moment has passed. I'm not into that doc anymore.
Friends reruns? Friends reruns! |
Wizards_with_Guns | a_surefire_way_to_win_poker_every_time_guaranteed_no_promises | Alright Chief, I'm at the winner's table. Now how do I win?
Well the guy to your left is Wesley Stope. He owes every shark in the city. So make sure he's confident, you're confident. Butch McGraw is a stone cold killer. But if you bet big, he'll fold like a napkin. But the real threat to watch out for...
Read him and weep boys! Roger Iceman Steinbeck.
Bastard runs a coke empire through his yacht club. Oh he got those yachts? He won the World Series Poker Tournament two times in a row.
Shit. So how do I beat this guy? Well they don't call him the Iceman for nothing. Apparently he's impossible to read.
But if you know what you're looking for, and you look real close... When his card's a crap, he's got a very subtle tell.
Oh no! Shit! What? What's wrong? My cards are bad! Fuck!
Can we train? Can we please train?
Excuse me. You said it was subtle? Shit! Very.
Look at them! Look at my cards!
They're shit! I hate them!
Redo! I get a redo!
No!
Everyone gets one redo! That's the rules! Hey! Oops! Oh no! Looks like we gotta start over!
It's fine. I took a picture of the table. Why would you take that? I was gonna post it. Damn it Wesley! Sure.
I'm gonna lose! There's literally no way I can win!
Sir, what is your final bet? Oh.
I'm all in. I'm all in too.
What? You win. Yes! Hashtag poker with the boys. Wesley!
This random user commented, be sure to like and hit the notification bell. Nice. That's one of those... It's funny cause it's true.
What? Why?
Hashtag poker. Hashtag me and the boys. Hashtag table time. Table time?
That's so mad! Nice. That's one of those... It's funny cause it's true.
Why?
Hashtag poker. Hashtag me and the boys. Hashtag table time. Table time?
That's so mad! |
dropout | if_your_search_history_was_made_public_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_3 | Hello America. Do not adjust your television sets.
The coalition for transparency has taken over this broadcast. Too long people have hidden their truths. The world needs transparency now more than ever.
Two hours from now your world will change. Two hours from now we will reveal your search histories. Wow, well I guess I know I'm going to delete my search history once I get home.
Folks, our producers will figure out what that was in the meantime. Honey, do you know where I put my grey suit? I just remembered I need it for tomorrow. The laundry room. Don't worry, I'll get it. Oh shoot, it's Wednesday. I have to take...
I forgot tennis. I'm so forgetful. Yeah, me too.
Panel this week. Folks, thank you for sticking with us. We are now hearing that even if you delete your local search history it will still be available somewhere else, meaning in all likelihood it will be released. Sorry, Parm. That's gonna be really bad. Thanks for watching Bad Internet. If you liked that you can watch the whole series at YouTube Red.
Come on, I'll take you. Don't be shy. Ew, your hands are clammy. Find your own way. |
dropout | tinder_profile_picture_day_2 | So you've had your profile picture taken before, right? Oh yes sir, I know the drill. Good, because the last time I was here no one would just let me take a normal photograph of them. Everyone loves a puppy, please go out with me. God damn it.
You make a great bridesmaid, but you'd never actually wear this to a date, right? I spent $400 on my hair and makeup, this is the best I've ever looked, I'm going to use it! Oh cool, so you're like a skydiver. Nope, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this, I'm terrified! Why would you make it your profile picture? Why would I go skydiving in the first place?
Oh god, I'm peeing, I'm peeing, come on man! The wings say I'm an angel, but the graffiti says I'm dangerous. Your sunglasses cost more than my rent, you're not dangerous.
Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me, just, I can, I can take it.
Maybe just let someone else take your picture. Let someone else take your picture.
I want girls to know I can cook. Jesus, it smells like panties and spoiled cum. Oh I know it does, it's actually an old family recipe, beef gurwich. The story starts in 1920-2020, which is what people that are wrong call 1940, when the state of New Jersey sent a single slice of roast beef to the electric chair for rape.
Oh now miss, I think you're a little too young to use tender. I'm 27. Jesus, why would you want your profile picture to be of you as a little girl? This is when I looked best. Oh sweetheart, I think you might be sending the wrong message with a girl in the picture. Oh, oh come on, a bikini picture? You don't think guys are that easy do you?
Yeah, alright. Do you mind taking this with my camera? Thanks. This looks like it's 1998, you want this for your profile? My face needs the help. Hello? Over here. I can't take your picture from that far away. My body needs the help. If your picture's a selfie, it looks like you don't have friends.
My god. Oh my god.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys it feels like I'm out, am I out? Cause I can like, I can see the top of the camera so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
dropout | The_Final_Battle_of_the_Ultramechatron_Team | Good morning planet, pre-work workout session. Let's get physical. Gym rats, we'll be executed.
I'm sorry, does something not feel right? There's like an energy that's not flowing right around here somewhere, is it? It's kind of like getting a vibe from over here. I think it's here, right? This is it.
She's a monster. You couldn't be more right, Sarah. I mean, who actually wakes up early to work out in the morning? Yeah, I'm more of an after work guy for sure. She's also bending the world to her will and destroyed that building, but sure. Okay, we all know she needs to be stopped.
So what's the plan? Me? I thought you guys had a plan. We did. It was get the powerful interdimensional being to tell us what to do. That's the whole plan? Yeah.
Well, we can't really do much without the Ultra Mechatron. Can't you summon some more monsters? Oh, summon some more monsters? Because that was working so well against the Ultra Mechatron before Duke was piloting it.
Well, this is why we're not coming up with ideas. So why don't you tell us what to do? Why would I know what to do? Because you're a big fucking space wizard? I should have never left the universe that's full of crab people. And also the pubs have infinite happy hours. Everybody shut up. There has to be something that we're not seeing. But what?
How long have you been here? I've been here the whole time.
I don't think you have. Absolutely not.
I'm pretty smart. I'm smart.
Well, I think sometimes people sort of forget I'm around. Deeply sad. What the hell have you been doing in here all alone?
Oh my god. When did Boshi get here? Right? He just appeared. Boshi's Deus Ex Machina could be just the thing we need to save us. Really perfectly timed. Just when we needed it.
I don't know. Why haven't we heard anything about this before? Like not even a passing mention. Yeah, it seems pretty unsatisfying. Risky. Well, does anyone else have any ideas? I do. Giant Pringles. I meant, did anyone have any ideas about defeating Duke?
Then no. Great. Thanks. Boshi, tell us about this new giant robot. The DX Machina is powered by technobabble boosters. Making it faster than ever. It's plated with an indestructible platinum alloy. And sports an arsenal of deadly muon torpedoes. And perhaps most importantly, it has only one pilot. Nice. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Why is that a good thing? Because it is. Four pilots is wildly inefficient.
You four are constantly bickering with each other. We are never bickering. We're not bickering here. I give orders. You are not bickering.
Shut the fuck up! Sorry, just shut the fuck up.
That was the weakness Captain Duke planned on. We need to be more focused. We need one pilot. And I think we all know who that person should be.
Me. You? What? You.
Sarah, that's cute. Honey, Tres. I mean honestly, me though. Oh sweetie, that's so cute.
For real, we're not doing this again. Look, we should simply vote on who we think the pilot of the DX Machina should be. If you want to be the pilot and vote for yourself, raise your hand. Brody. What? Raise your hand? I don't want to fucking do it. It sounds hard and dangerous and bad, frankly. So... I guess that means Brody is the deciding vote. Wow.
You know, I've spent my whole life foisting responsibility off on other people. But this just might be the biggest responsibility I've ever foisted. I know who my vote goes to. My vote goes to the person who's been watching us from afar from the very beginning.
He's been trying to help us even if his plans didn't always go as intended. And I think if we give him a shot he just might win the day. Wow, this is not where I thought he was headed with that.
Ultimate Tron Team Go! It's a giant, fatty kitty but she's still out of war but it can only be controlled by the chosen four so now they're working and laying together in the ultimate Tron Ultimate Tron Team Go!
Hey kids. That video was a lot of fun. But you know what's not fun?
Ads. Yeah, you can watch the rest of this episode on Dropout. Go to Dropout.tv to start your free trial today. And never have to see us in another ad again.
Huh, Ultra Mechatron Team. Wow! Well Galatax I've been expecting you. Captain Duke. Wait, how did you know it was me the big robot? |
dropout | stop_living_in_a_sad_girl_house | So I invited him over to my house and it was really the first time that I'd seen it through somebody else's eyes. There were bras on every piece of furniture. I'd never seen bras look so unsexy. She had a pile of laundry she said was going to go out for dry cleaning, but she never took it to get it cleaned.
And hats? Why did you have so many hats? I like the idea of hats. I just like the idea of them, I'm sorry.
Sounds like a classic case of sad girl house. If you have half empty Splenda packets all over your kitchen counter, if your bathroom is filled with birth control containers with four pills still in each of them, if there's always a yoga mat on your floor but you've never used it, girl you've got sad girl house right there. But don't worry, I'm Judy Delgoose and I am here to help you out. From the producers of Oprah's Life Class and the script supervisor of Kevin Spacey's Master Class comes stop romanticizing your trash. Girl get it together, untangle that rat king of hair ties and put them in a goddamn drawer.
The only thing in my fridge was mustard and four almost empty bottles of wine that I kept in there just to show that I wasn't drinking entire bottles of wine on my own. Even though I was. The only art I had was a Titanic poster and a Monet print I've had since high school. They were just taped to the wall and all the corners had been ripped off from five moves ago.
I move around a lot. Not only will stop romanticizing your trash help you get rid of your current trash, it'll also keep you from bringing new trash back to clutter up your space. I was like, I found this one antique chair on the street that I'm totally gonna upholst it. I'm totally gonna learn, it's gonna be my thing. Why did anyone throw this out? I made people sit on this, the spring went in their butts. I'll teach you things like, having a bunch of throw pillows doesn't hide the fact that you sleep in a twin bed. Stop using that stack of Harry Potter books as a nightstand.
And no, you're never gonna use that weird shampoo your mom got you. I use the techniques that I learned from stop romanticizing your trash and now my place doesn't look like that garbage scene from Labyrinth. Because of stop romanticizing your trash, I took down all the postcards of Paris I had on my wall. I've never been to Paris and honestly I don't think I'd want to go, I kinda just felt like I should want to go. Then I replaced it with paint, just normal paint. Now I'll be getting my deposit back for the first time ever. Stop romanticizing your trash, gave me the tools to stop pasting all the hair that falls out of my head onto the shower tiles. Now I collect them and put them in the trash, still don't know why so much of my hair is falling out. But at least now no one has to see it. Stop romanticizing your trash, because I guess your mother didn't raise you right or something.
Hi, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. Click over here to subscribe and click here for more fun stuff. You filthy animals.
I was abandoned in this office when I was 10 years old by my parents. I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
dropout | The_5_True_Horrors_of_Halloween | At last, the spookiest time of year is upon us. A night of horrors and haunts awaits you. Not because of ghouls or goblins, but because of these five spine-chilling frights. These are the five true horrors of Halloween.
Set up the most terrifying surprise when Halloween falls on a weekday. You picked the perfect costume. You spent all afternoon getting ready, and you can't wait to have the best costume at your Halloween party. It's Halloween.
I assumed everybody wanted to have fun. Simply mortifying, but at least you score points for originality. It could be even eerier. There's always the evil twin. You didn't plan it, and you're wearing the same costume. Suddenly being the only person dressed up doesn't seem so bad.
Fine. I'll change. Undeterred, you grab whatever you can find and run to the bathroom to create a whole new costume. You shut up! This is my house!
A specimen so unique you're sure no one else will have it on. Unfortunately, it's so unique that no one can understand it either.
What are you dressed as? A Hawaiian punch! Like the drink? I don't get it. And this curse will follow you the rest of the night, explaining your costume over and over. What are you, a hula boxer? Yeah, fine, sure, I'm a hula boxer. Yeah, what the hell is that?
After surviving one too many harrowing encounters, you take on front door duty. After all, the most innocent part of Halloween is enjoying the trick-or-treaters. So you thought. Teens! Trick-or-treat. They're way too old to be trick-or-treating, but too lazy to come up with a costume. Do they really just want free candy? Are they going to egg your house? That'll be a nightmare to clean! So, you've survived Halloween. So you thought.
There's one more fright yet in store for you this night. Maybe it just might kill you. Perhaps from fear itself, something so gruesome, so astonishing, that it will make you wonder, has God forsaken us?
Yes, those circus peanut candy things! Who's even buying these anymore? Like, you have to make an active choice to purchase these and hand them out. Thank you. |
dropout | if_people_treated_personal_deaths_like_celebrity_deaths | So it's like not quite a boat, but it's not quite a car. Yeah, that's because that's a plane.
Oh shoot, my mom died.
Weird. Oh man, that is so random. Isn't that strange?
I grew up with my mom. It's so weird to think of. She was like the face of the 90s for me. It was like Jim Carrey, my mom, and Sonic the Hedgehog. Remember when you flew all the way to Alabama to see your mom? Yeah, and it was like during a holiday. I would have never done that to see your mom.
Have you guys seen these things? It's like a half boat, half... No, it's just a plane. But did you see?
My mom died.
Isn't that weird? Oh, no way. Yeah, that is weird. The other weird thing is like Robin Williams died, Joan Riverside, and then my mom.
Yeah, they always go in threes though. How old was she? Let me check my email for my dad. 58. Guys, that's the same age as Katie Couric. Weird.
I haven't thought about my mom in forever. I used to be a huge fan of her. I waited for like nine months to see her for the first time. That makes sense, because if I think about who loves your mom, you're the first person I think of.
This is affecting me more than I thought it would. I might write a Facebook post about it.
Is that lame? Don't think so. I mean, if you feel like doing it, you should do it. Okay, cool. As long as it's not lame. I mean, it could be lame. Just don't make it lame.
Oh, my God. Randy Quidd died in one of those boat car thing crashes. What? Randy? Hi, Dennis. I just heard. Are you okay? |
cracked | prejudice_people_watching_season_2_episode_6 | Holy shit, Earth was a mistake.
Online dating?
I'm Groucho Marx at this point. I refuse to date anyone who would want to go out with me. But they're entitled to an attractive woman. You are a war criminal.
Maybe 1% of the messages I get acknowledge that I even wrote anything in my profile. I'm basically just the fucking secretary from my own photograph. It's like you gotta reverse catfish people or some shit to get around their prejudices. Reverse catfish? Just get a profile photo off Wikipedia. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like, not even a picture of a woman?
Maybe Photoshop a wig on there and tell them I sell Nazi death metal out of the trunk of my car and I live with both parents? Plus two step-parents somehow. And I have 17 cats, all named after dictators.
And I'm the fucking founder of revengeporn.org. And I haven't left the house since 1991.
And we message for a while and then I show up for a date and I'm me instead in that one dress that makes police cars slow down as they go past. And I'm like, please, just give me a chance. I'm not actually 1700 pound internet Hitler, but you and me, that was all real, I swear. I was expecting someone I could talk about cats with.
This is bullshit. You know, just everything that makes me different is a demerit against me being a person because when you dress a certain way, it's because you're fucking stupid. And when you have cosmetic surgery, then people fucking start lining up to tell you how low your self-esteem is.
And when you have any normal job and you're in the news, it's woman robbed at knife point and man found dead. But when you don't, it's stripper robbed at knife point and stripper found dead.
I think it's actually legal to murder us. And then stripper rage quit stating site because I'm sick of being a collection of ideas and opinions and genuine love for humanity that's constantly being told that it's actually some whore who'd maybe be on equal footing with circus animals, except nobody's starting change.org petitions to get me to a ranch in California. Addition to open human race membership to all humans.
So I'll just update my profile here. Hi, my future is to be the coffin for my unfertilized eggs because I stupidly insist on being myself. And who am I? Well, I'm sure you've already decided, so just let me know via dick pics and sign language. Appropriate that all they can sign is the letter I. And then people wonder why they can't find someone.
That's exactly it, though. It's like this. The. Uh.
What? I don't know. I just noticed this one non-insane message from earlier and its profile looks interesting actually. How did I miss this guy?
Hold on. I'll finish this rant in one second here. What's the word for what's the word for when something good happens right as you're giving up?
I mean, I'm just on this huge tear about how only cavemen are attracted to me and I want to dynamite the planet. And then I see your profile and I think I've seen you around town, but I didn't know much about you. And it's like, yeah, block twist, right? I swear everything happens in that 10 seconds after you completely lose hope. I was literally going to rage quit on online dating at midnight. And then suddenly there's this new profile and it's super funny and confident.
And she thinks reading is doing something together and guilty pleasures aren't guilty. They aren't guilty.
So what did you say this song was called? Masters of Chaos by Big Dumbface. It's a concept album about an eternal time loop where a guy fights his own severed head from the future.
That is just perfect. I feel like this is the hipster version of that Disney scene with the dogs and the spaghetti. Well, I can either be Lady or the Tramp. Your call. Sorry, that was one of those lines that initially sound super cheesy and then you notice I'm serious. No, I definitely got that.
Good. Cheers, by the way. Cheers.
You know, sometimes you're just weirdly comfortable around someone and then you realize they know about your job and your inexperience and maybe all that shit you judge yourself for is irrelevant because the right person accepting you feels like a billion people. I think that's what life is. It's spending your time in that thin strip of land where the few things that don't suck are and where nobody thinks that whoever you used to be defines who you will be.
Okay, so what were you like in high school? Because I feel like maybe I wasn't the only person who was super annoying in English class. Holy shit. Yes, I was just the worst in high school. I would get like intensely mad about people pronouncing words wrong.
I literally just needed to be smarter than everyone. I mean, I still do, but at least I'm self-aware now. I know. I was completely the same. I actually wish I still had that kind of nerve. Usually I'd say I wish I'd followed through with my unrealistic plans to be a marine biologist instead of a glorified sex tube, but right now I'm happy with where I ended up. Well, I think you're just the kind of person who's smart enough to be really good at any job and that kind of means you can never be defined by what you do.
Oh my God, that is really nice of you to say. Thank you.
If I can speak on behalf of a billion people, let me say that you shouldn't worry about the future as much as you were saying you do. The future belongs to people who aren't foolish enough to think it owes them anything.
And I don't ask out fools. Hey, I don't wear my one actually good shirt for people who aren't just generally awesome.
You know, I swear 90% of the people messaging me are initiating contact via wormhole from ancient times and then... Cavemen? Yes! They're really wearing hides in their profile photos.
I was so fucking relieved to see someone like you. It was just instant. I wasn't nervous to ask you out and I feel like that's the test, right? Yeah, for sure. Maybe a little nervous, but you know. Yeah, I felt the same way. I really cannot get enough of you to be honest. That's not the wine talking, that's the wine giving me the courage to actually say what I'm thinking. I just have so much respect for you being so upfront about yourself, you know? It's definitely fucking awesome. Uh, yeah. Thanks.
Okay, so tell me this about cavemen. Why do you think they spend all their time drawing like deer and stuff? I mean, I've met people who draw and essentially live in caves and they definitely line the walls with other things.
I know! I have literally wondered that exact thing.
Why have they not found porn caves? Porn caves! My whole fucking career as being a cave painting, in a cave, for cavemen, there's no way that's just a recent thing.
Calvin and Hobbs was right. Sorry, that was always my favorite comic of theirs, where he wants to be a caveman when he grows up. I love those comics.
Oh really? I used to read those too, that's awesome. High five. Wasn't that in my profile? Maybe I just thought it was. Anyway, my point was, I only read books with pictures. Oh man, do you ever pick up like random street books on garbage day? Always.
And I always think, oh maybe this will be some kind of unbelievable lost classic. But it never is. You actually should judge books by the cover, because often they're way better before you actually read them.
Oh man, yeah, exactly. How's it going? Good. I'm just happy. That tells you about my life. Oh my god, what's wrong? You're not scowling. I definitely also am happy.
It's just been so hard lately. I never thought I'd have a problem with dying alone in a cave. I'm just so happy. It's just been so hard lately. I never thought I'd have a problem with dying alone in a cave. It's just been so hard lately.
I never thought I'd have a problem with dying alone and tuned in a pyramid of wine bottles, but lately I've realized, I don't know, I have a good imagination and maybe I can see myself not dying alone or reading alone or traveling alone and it feels like that percentage of people who don't suck should probably be finding strength in each other these days. And I think I'd like to have that kind of courage.
Yep, that pretty much covers it. And then I saw you and, fuck, I literally just smiled. You know? Yeah. Me too. Sorry.
I'm not usually nervous around people. I just have a lot of respect for you, basically. How do you personally deal with knowing so many assholes are out there? Because my whole strategy has been to gradually turn into one of those brightly colored poisonous frogs, but you're so chill. I just really admire that.
I don't know. Honestly, I can get mad at the world if I let myself. Like, I've been that guy and I'm trying to outgrow it, I guess. I'm trying not to assume people care that I have a shitty job or no relationship experience. Believe me, this is not a thing where experience is good.
Yeah, like, hey, I've been married 14 times, I'm super experienced at marriage, and I'm therefore totally the guy you should marry. Oh my god, exactly. Being good at dating is like being good at sitting on the bus. You're supposed to get off at some point. I think that joke was actually in my dating profile.
Oh, was it? I probably didn't read that far. Can I ask you something? Yeah, of course. Did you ask me out because I'm transgender? Did I ask you out because? Yeah, honestly. Sort of ask, but...
No, it's fine. I was reading your intro where you talk about that and then I guess, I just really think it's amazing who you are and then... No, I know. I totally get that. Don't for a second think that you think anything less of me as a person. No, I really don't. I fucking seriously apologize if I gave that impression in any way. That is absolutely not. No, no, no, no. It's totally cool. Don't worry. It's not you.
We're all kind of living in the context that assholes have created and it's hard to get past that sometimes, I guess. Yeah, I completely... All you can do is be yourself and hope that someone sees you for your ideas and opinions and your genuine love for humanity and the part of you that matches them. I mean, that's what everyone wants, right? As opposed to reminders of how you're different or whatever for the 500th time?
I don't know. Hopefully I'm making sense here. Yes. Oh my god, for sure.
It's like a dating profile is kind of a metaphor too, I guess, in the way that there's always so much there, but a lot of people never see past the first couple sentences. Like a book club where no one read the book.
Yeah, completely. Yeah, for sure.
I'm not usually at a loss for words. Can I please buy you another drink? Thank you, but no. I'm gonna head out, I think. Take care of the way. Man, what's the word for when everything just turns on a dime?
So did you message him back? Yeah, I did. Hopefully it goes somewhere. I would date this guy in a second, actually. Wicked, man.
So you were saying rant-wise? Oh, well, what you said. That's exactly it.
You're just invisible behind whatever makes you different and then people fucking wonder why they can't find anyone? And it's not like everyone is a sociopath, but I think prejudice has fucked everyone up to the point that even good people are letting each other down. I can deal with being stereotyped by idiots, but it's the non-assholes that hurt. Do you think I've never dated anyone who was clearly just there because they liked the idea of being progressive enough to date someone like me, as in the idea of me instead of the person? So not only do you get assholes treating you differently, but then you get others treating you differently in response to that, and yeah, I get it, but it's just one more reminder of how you're the other, how even people who should know better can't see you because of labels. We're always pursuing people for reasons other than what's in their head without even realizing it, like a book club where no one ever reads the book and nobody connects with anyone, and everyone is sad, and it's just one more legacy of prejudice.
Maybe one day we'll all notice how much we're sabotaging ourselves, how it shouldn't be this fucking hard to find love, but how much do we have to miss out on for us to pay attention? How alone do we have to be? How much does it have to hurt, you know? |
cracked | people_keep_confusing_fred_durst_with_robert_durst | Apparently, people keep confusing Robert Durst and Fred Durst. As a reminder, Fred Durst is the rap rock pioneer behind Limp Bizkit. Robert Durst is the now dead serial killer. Now, it might have something to do with the fact that the Jinx is back with Part 2. This is the true crime documentary about Robert.
Remember when he said that thing on the hot mic? Yeah? Kill them all. Of course.
But the confusion is not just in Fred's comments, it's news agencies too. The AP confused them and had to issue a correction. And then there was this Fox News blunder.
Every trial from OJ Simpson to Bill Cosby and Ted Bundy, Fred Durst. Fred has probably had enough of this considering it's like his third go-around. You know, the first time was when the Jinx came out. Second time when Robert died, prompting people to start mourning Fred. And now, this is the third.
He bought and wore a sweater that said, not Robert. Sure, you know, in good spirits. But I don't know, maybe he'll get so mad he'll break stuff. That one's just for me. |
dropout | the_disturbing_history_of_the_suburbs_adam_ruins_everything | It's not so white here, look! Bad example? Ignore sweater dog people. A tote bag full of kale. You're killing me, lady!
Okay, maybe this neighborhood is mostly to, completely to, insufferably white. But that's just the way things are here. It doesn't mean we're racist. I'm sure you're not, Ron. But the fact that so many suburbs are mostly white is no accident. It's the result of decades of racist federal policy that affect us to this day.
Look! Hooray, games! What the heck kind of game is this?
It's Settlers of the Suburbs, redlining edition. Cool! Little Donovan, you be green, Ron, you're red. Alright, red, just like the name. Looks like I've got the advantage.
No, you don't.
See, in the 1930s, as part of the New Deal, FDR created loan programs to help Americans finance their homes. But to decide who got those loans, the government created color-coded maps in which green neighborhoods were good and red neighborhoods were bad. This practice became known as redlining. Because of these policies, if you lived in the green neighborhoods, it was super easy to get a home loan. Alright, I can buy property! But for folks in the red areas, no loans were available. I can barely afford rent with this. There's no fair, the red areas are screwed! Yeah, they were. And do you know why some areas were designated as red? No, but I can guess. Those were the neighborhoods where African Americans and other minorities lived, and redlining systematically prevented them from getting home loans.
Well, I know what I'll do. Just take my little guy and put him in the green neighborhood.
Sorry, that's against the rules. Early suburb developers like William Levitt instituted explicitly racist policies. Levittown homes must not be used or occupied by any person other than members of the Caucasian race. And the federal government itself encouraged developers to discriminate. Developers, I want you to exclude non-whites. The result of these policies is that from 1934 through 1968, a whopping 98% of home loans were given to white families.
Yes! Okay, this is not fair. I did not get to pick what color I was when I started. Yeah, no one does.
And this advantage compounded over time. The families in the green or white neighborhoods were able to purchase homes and accrue wealth. The market went up! I can sell my house and buy a pickle on! Whereas the people in the red neighborhoods got none of those opportunities. I can't afford property, I'm behind on my electric bill. In the green neighborhoods, the influx of new wealth attracted new businesses. Whoa! We got an organic grocery! Which caused property values to go up.
Which meant white families could sell their homes and send their kids to college. They grow up so fast. Passing down their wealth and advantages to future generations.
Meanwhile, the red neighborhoods had far less ability to build wealth, and many remained trapped in poverty. This game is rigged! Yeah, it was. That's why laws were eventually passed that made most of these discriminatory practices illegal.
Ah! Great!
Finally, I can move. I don't have enough money. Exactly.
Without wealth, families in the red neighborhoods couldn't afford to move up, keeping these communities separated by race. Today, 70 years after Levittown was created, it's still less than 1% black. I may be dead, but the effect of my racism lives on. And if the neighborhoods are segregated, that means the schools are too.
What? No, no, that can't be true. We ended school segregation back in the 60s. Sorry, Ron, but I'm afraid that's not true. Ron, this is Nicole Hannah Jones.
She's a New York Times investigative reporter who covers civil rights issues, including school and housing segregation. Nicole, would you mind telling Ron what most people get wrong about segregation? People tend to think of segregation as an archaic term for Jim Crow policies that led to the civil rights movement. But the truth is that black children are more segregated in schools now than at any time since the 1970s.
And in the U.S., schools are largely funded by property taxes. Since property values in the white neighborhoods are so much higher, their schools get way more money to spend on things like facilities, teachers, and supplies. On the other hand, predominantly black and Latino schools are massively underfunded. They're less likely to have AP, science, and math courses, and they're the least likely to have experienced and qualified teachers. The truth is, little Donovan doesn't just go to the best school, he goes to a segregated school.
No, no, no. This is a direct result of decades of redlining policies enacted by our own government to build the suburbs. Highways that were built to make access to the suburbs easier for white Americans were often run right through black middle-class neighborhoods, destroying them. People in the past were the worst. It's not just the past. They still regularly charge black homebuyers higher rates on loans than they do white homebuyers, even when they have the same credit. Worst of all, black and Latino home seekers still experience 4 million incidents of illegal housing discrimination every year. But, I mean, I didn't do any of that stuff. I'm not racist, and I worked hard to get this house. Of course, but without realizing it, you've also gotten a leg up from America's history of racist housing policies. The suburb you live in was built on a foundation of segregation. But we can't close our eyes to that. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tiktok_fights_texas_ban_chipotle_hiring_for_burrito_season_snl | The Dallas zoo has been dealing with the disappearance of several animals, including a leopard, monkeys, and a vulture. in an unrelated story, check out my amazing coat. Laughter Officials at Tiktok are trying to stop efforts in Congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called Project Texas because Tiktok is their baby, and they know Texas won't let them get rid of it. Laughter: A new Ai chatbot has created controversy after it allowed users to talk with Jesus and Hitler and one guy who thinks he's both. Laughter.
This is just news, guys. a 23-year-old Chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world's oldest living dog. The secret to Spike's long life, a lot of Chihuahuas look the same.
Laughter Chip. Chip. Chipotle has announced plans to hire 15,000 people to prepare for its busiest time of year, which they are calling burrito season, and toilets are calling the apocalypse. Laughter researchers in Antarctica have discovered a 17-pound meteorite. sadly, it was on top of the last polar bear. Oh! A M. a mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you're in bed eating cheese till you pass out, your life is already a nightmare. Laughter. |
dropout | stop_asking_women_to_talk_about_being_women | Yeah, it's nice to see you again, Jelly. And you as well, Tommy.
I can't wait to answer questions about the whimsical world of chocolatiering. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, hi, Scott Bagel, Daily Report. Tommy, question for you, what would you say is the most zany, craziest part of being a chocolatier? I'd have to say it's the expansion. I started at Conglomo Chocolates, and I was in charge of production in mid-western cities, primarily with a population less than 500,000, and now, well, it's very exciting. Incredible. Uh, Jelly, as a woman, what does it feel like to be in a male-dominated field? Oh, you're not going to ask me the fun question too? No. Well, you know, because I'm Jilly Janka of the Janka Factory. You know, my candy can fly, can turn your ears blue, can sing you a song, or can turn you into a bird, too. Okay, well, I guess as a woman, I face a lot of adversity. So true. Bill Bred from the Weekly Report, Tommy, by the way, big fan of your work. What's the craziest day at the chocolate factory look like for you?
Oh, it's the day the lab gets a phone call. Took a phone call the other day from one of our distributors in Tacoma. Gal calls me up.
She says the boxes that we're using to ship the chocolates are too thin, so now here I go. I've got to research the boxes and figure out which one is going to be thick enough. Of course, I don't have any idea what sort of box is going to be thick the way we need it to be, and so now I'm down a rabbit hole on the thickness and the thinness on the boxes, and, uh, ha-ha-ha, that was great.
Riveting. Uh, and Jillie. Yes. The craziest thing about our chocolate lab is that it is run by actual chocolate labrador dogs. You see?
Actually, I was wondering, as a woman of color, did you find it difficult to break into the business? Wait, why does he get to answer all the fun questions? I don't want to answer as a woman of color.
I'll take a stab at it. I mean, I literally just told you that I have a lab run by dogs. Isn't that exciting and fun? Ha-ha! Don't you care how that works or how I'm legally allowed to do that?
Sorry, Miss Janka. It's just that, you know, you're one of the very few women of color in your field who have gained this level of visibility and fame. So we're curious about your struggles, you know, to help the children who look up to you. It's about the children. If you don't help the little children, who will help them? Well, why doesn't he have to think about the chil- To answer your question, yes, it was hard to rise up in my field. Plenty of people are going to say no to you, and you just can't say no to yourself.
For instance, when I was inventing my fizzing magic light gummies. Do the magic light gummies also face adversity as women of color? They are not women of color, they are cherry and lime.
Can somebody please talk to me about something fun? I don't want to talk about serious stuff.
Speaking of limes, I saw a lime for the first time the other day. Wow! Tommy, what was it like when you first saw the lime? Was it exciting? Tell us everything. It was green, and it looked spicy. I mean, the guy's a card! Wow! Can someone please, please ask me a fun question? I own limes that emit pure rays of joy. Uh, Jilly. Yes, what is it?
What's your favorite kind of candy you've made? My favorite candy?
Yes! I love this question! Thank you! My favorite candy that we've made is our malted spring of eternal life peanut butter balls. They contain within them the secret to everlasting life! As a woman of color, is eternal life important to you? And please reference your struggles in your answer. Thank you.
She's very difficult. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift.
Oh, let me tuck you into bed, and I'm like, oh, God, yes! So sign up for your free trial today, and it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars over wine sometime, you know, like, I am available, you know. You get like 125, I can get 125. I know, it's just an idea. |
dropout | The_Don_t_Laugh_Newsroom_Challenge_5 | Pack your tiny sunglasses, slide them down your nose, and say, I don't think so, mister. This camp has all the biting jibes and structured activities a brassy babe could ever want. From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
Tonight, we dish the deets on America's deepest dish doodoos and papa squats squawking about America's top glazed goods. You may think you know croissants, but the truth might surprise you. And we discuss the shocking results from a new study out of Hard University. What is America's worst yawn?
You might think it's, ugh. And you're right. But first, blow out the birthday candles because it's celebrity birthday time. Frederick Turd turned 131 years old today. And 37 years dead. Miss you, buddy. Toot, toot. On to today's top stories.
Summer. Every year, we're hit by a heat wave. And water wave, if we're at the beach and willing to have that experience. OK, but the question remains, what do we do with the children? Every summer, they leave school and where do they go? The answer may surprise you if you've never heard of summer camp. But what about the precocious youngsters who are just too sassy for the typical camp experience? Tonight, we tell you about a summer camp called Comeback Kids, a barb-infused summer experience for sassy toddlers under the age of three.
Slide them down your nose and say, I don't think so, mister. This camp has all the biting jives and structured activities a brassy babe could ever want. Bird judging. Archery with your freakazoid brother's face on the bullseye. A talent show where little vulnerable children singing get dragged immediately. And potato sack races. When asked to comment on his Comeback Kids experience, precocious camper Oliver Poo said, do I know you? And that hurt my feelings. Am I too sensitive to be brought down by a three-year-old?
Back to you. Thanks, Quirk. Now, can I ask you a question, Madonna? No, thanks. Perfect.
Let's go to weather. Thanks, Madonna-sisses. Parbinson Coop-har here to fill you in on the weather. Sun length, what flowers are doing, wind. I could go on. In a word, air. It's up, it's down, it's all around. I'm blown away by the information I've learned this weekend.
This wind is gale force in that my wife, Gail, has forced me out of the house. I didn't mean to upset her, but shut up. It's not happening. Sorry for crying. I need to be alone. Sorry about the problems with my way. My way.
Sick. And unfortunately for our final segment, news for dolphins. Now, what does that mean? Oh, it means ah, ah, ah, ah. All right. Well, that's all for Breaking News.
Before we go, congratulations to our employee of the week. This week, we aren't supposed to laugh or smile, and this person has no self-control. Congrats to Ali.
No! This episode of Breaking News was brought to you by NBC's Bring the Funny, a new comedy competition show coming to NBC. Tune in to see comedians trying to get laughs instead of failing to suppress them like we just did. Starting July 9th on NBC. |
cracked | sonic_the_hedgehog_2_review_ft_carolyn_page_aka_gotta_go_gay | I'll do a bunch. Hello everyone, welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books but better, and I'm thankful that I had that first part memorized because I didn't even have my notes pulled up. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse, and also a guest, Carolyn. Hey, say hello. Welcome, Carolyn. Oh, thank you for having me. I am honored and humbled to be here. Yes, right, sure.
You may recognize Carolyn from one video that none of you watched that was insane about video games, which, you know, sometimes works well on our channel and doesn't, but also you might recognize, holy crap, it just flew out of my head, was the dorkly. Dorkly, college humor. Dropout, screaming at you by your window. Right, I remember that. Yeah, Carolyn was a, you were a cast member, right? College humor, and then you're also still doing some dropout stuff, right? Yeah, yeah, I work with dropout a lot, super fun. I'm a reigning champion on several game shows there, I think, so, yeah.
Well, thanks for coming and talking to us about what is technically a film. I would say, what is a movie?
Should also be mentioned, Carolyn is now writing video game stuff for crack.com, which is affiliated with YouTube.com slash crack, where you find yourselves now. Ooh, seamless plug. They are partners in many things. Indeed, I just wrote an article about five ways you can protect your eye health as a gamer. So I've done my good deed for the year. That sounds legitimately useful for, unlike most of our content. Well, cool, so we talked about Sonic, so I'm gonna try and recap it.
This is the second one. Jesse hasn't even seen the first one, apparently. Carolyn, have you seen the first? I watched the first one because of this podcast.
Oh my gosh, wow. And I have a lot of thoughts. I absolutely loved it. I'm all in. Okay, wow, okay, well, great, this'll be interesting.
So Sonic 2 begins immediately, well, a few months probably after the events of the first one. I believe it's 265 days, it says on the wiki. Something like that. How do people know things, man? It's crazy. I'm gonna butcher this recap, because even as I'm about to say it, I'm seeing a lot of snapshots, but I'm not remembering in what order they come.
But the basic gist is that Jim Carrey's Robotnik is stuck on a mushroom planet, which is where he was banished at the end of the last movie. He finds a way to escape using the help of Knuckles, who was also from the games. And together, they partner to get the Chaos Emerald, which is essentially the Infinity Gauntlet, if I'm not mistaken. It's a combination of a bunch of different powerful little gems. And then along the way, they repeatedly are thwarted by Sonic, who also gets tails from the games, who just kind of shows up and is like, by the way, I exist.
And who I thought was a female character for like 95% of the movie, until he calls him a little boy or something. I was like, oh, okay. When are they gonna kiss? Well, cause it feels very, I was like, how young is this girl thing that he's like very protective of? I mean, he could still be, Sonic could be gay and creepy. It's, you know, we don't wanna chud. They go out of their way to let you know that Sonic is a child, but a child who can drive and like fights the military.
And is voiced by like a pushing, has to be pushing 40 year old man, if I'm not mistaken. Gotta be pushing 40.
Yeah, Ben Schwartz Smith. Yep, Ben Schwartz, yeah.
Anyway, things happen. There's an entire romantic comedy subplot that's just like wedged in the middle of the movie for about 30 minutes, where there's like a wedding. And they staged an entire wedding just to catch Sonic maybe, which doesn't make any sense.
Oh yeah, right. And, you know, inevitably they get the chaos thing and they have a big fight and then Sonic becomes God. And then he is not anymore. But he wins and returns to a child. And I think that's the majority of it.
Carolyn, why did we watch this movie other than I pushed us to? Why? That's the big reason. And I'm so glad you did.
This movie, this seminal film, I'm gonna call it. Preceded by the first Sonic is the greatest gay love story of our time.
I missed it. Oh, how could you? You sweet, Jesse, you sweet fool. The, let me tell you, I hadn't smoked weed for a while.
And when I, then I sat down to watch the first Sonic movie and smoked a joint with my father-in-law while watching it. And it, let me tell you, I had the best time ever because the gay love story between Robotnik and Stone, his assistant, is so hot. When in the first movie, when Robotnik puts his gloved hand inside of his assistant's mouth and grabs his jaw, I gasped. Wow. So hot. And then, so I was all the way, I'm only watching this for Robotnik.
I don't give a, can we, can I swear? Yeah, as long as we're past 30 seconds. Okay, okay. I don't give a flying cold shit about any of the other characters.
But Robotnik and Stone's love, like, and in the second one, I was so, I was like, oh my God, are they even, are they gonna cut Stone out? He was such an ancillary character. Then they brought him back and they show him making the latte foam art with the hearts. And I was like, oh, it's explicitly gay now.
I loved it. They're so, I just loved it. I wanna be in a relationship like that.
Well, Robotnik, or yeah, Robotnik made a Stone-like doll head while he was trapped on the mushroom planet, which I didn't get that. Having not seen the first one, I thought it was funny because it was a rock and he named it Stone instead of rock or whatever. And then when they introduced the handsome twink Stone, it started all together for me.
A sleek otter of a man. Otter, yeah. I can only imagine how much chest hair he has. And Robotnik loves it. He's probably got it trimmed just like Robotnik's mustache. Wow. Yeah, definitely.
I think this, see, this is nuts that the Sonic franchise inspires fan art just implicitly. I did, so I did a video about, I did a cannibal episode on Sonic as a franchise, the weirder things. And it started, Sonic the Hedgehog started as fan art himself. The character was this, they sat down and Sega was like, we need some kind of character to rival Mario. So they were just like, that's gonna be like the most marketable thing ever. They threw together, they were like, okay, Bart Simpson. A little bit of Mario was in some of the original drawings. They even stuff that like his shoes are based on Michael Jackson's shoes from the Thriller music video, I think it is. But that's what's so funny is that like Sonic is known for fan fiction, all this like weird grotesque pregnancy stuff. And it's so appropriate because he's always been fan fiction and fan art.
And so I love that. Like I wanna see illustrated this love story that Carolyn, you are illuminating for me now. I'm gonna hop in just for a brief second to say, by the way, if you're watching, if you have any questions, we're gonna address them at the end. Like, what's your favorite gay relationship?
Cause there actually may be multiple now because that was not where I thought you were going. I thought you were gonna talk about Tails and Sonic because I also feel like.
They're just friends. Yeah, but they were like sleeping together. And I mean, I know friends do that, but it just felt very, he was very, anyway, it doesn't matter.
And if you have any questions or anything, just throw them in the chat. We got Brian in there grabbing stuff. And then also we're gonna do alternate titles at the end. So if you have one, throw it in there as well, Brian will grab it. We'll discuss whether it's worth discussing at the end. But anyway, okay. That's not where I thought we were gonna start, but let's.
I think Sonic and Tails doesn't feel romantic to me because you're right. They make it so clear that Sonic is this like young teen or maybe a tween. He's like kind of a bad-ass dude. That's always been his thing, but he's young. Tails is even younger for sure, yeah. A child genius.
Children can be gay too, guys. I don't know why. Yeah, but they can't kiss on screen. I would argue that all children are gay. Let's take it a step further, yeah. That's what I say. Everyone's gay is 22 and everyone's gay.
This is the last generation. So the point about how old they are specifically makes me think, I think that the way that Sonics as a species, hedgehogs or echidnas or foxes. I got a real quick question on that before we get too much further.
Why are Knuckles and Sonic not the same race? Like they seem to be pretty explicit that he's an echidna. Sonic is a hedgehog, but that's the same word.
You're thinking about this like a human, okay? You don't understand, these are alien beings. You need to expand your mind and get into the multiverse. These are advanced species. Are they of sentient owls? And who knows how they reproduce, what their genetics are like? I've got some ideas. The internet's got a lot of ideas if you wanna know how they reproduce. But I think because they have a myriad, they have a different genetic system than we do, okay? Like we're so binary. They're not like that, they're not like us. They're way more advanced. They can teleport using rings.
We don't have that technology. We barely, we were struggling to get this Skype going. We don't have that technology.
That's, okay. So I think that they also age differently because they make it very clear that Sonic is a kid and that Fox is an even younger kid. And then, but then at the end, and they make it a point that like Knuckles is this like hardcore warrior. And at the end, he's like playing with the kids. He shouldn't, he'd just be like drinking a beer with James Marsden if they aged the same as us. But I think our concepts of genders and species and age is not applicable to them. So this is like the most progressive series of films, maybe ever in many ways. That's really exciting. It's time to tear down this restrictive age of consent.
Clip it. Someone clip that. Well, okay.
So just real quick to talk more about tales and their part in this tale. So the whole reason they literally, this is why I thought it was kind of, if not gay, at least very much pushing into some sexual stuff is like, I've been watching you for years? Question mark, for a long time. And he's like, even I was in the shower, and he's like, no, but only because you don't take showers. Other intimate moments of your life. Oh, I was right there.
Tonic has lived his entire being in a panopticon of tales making. It's like a Truman show scenario. He feels like he has the whole universe, but tales is watching and maybe broadcasting.
And actually I'm gonna go ahead and jump into that. Somebody just asked, is tales playing this movie? Bren Kelly said it. Did anyone think tales was a, oh wait, nope. I misunderstood the question. Bren, you didn't ask that, but now I'm gonna ask that. Is tales playing a sonic game and just inserting themselves into it? That's my question. Love that shit.
No. That doesn't make any sense. Damn it. Okay, well, I had to give it a shot. Well, I don't know. Does it, okay, maybe it doesn't make sense.
So this is reminding me of, I always had this theory that Pete and Pete, if you guys are familiar with Pete and Pete, is it's not just this sort of like fantastical series about childhood. It is, but it's actually literally being told by a kid. It's like stories being told to other kids by kids. Almost like, are you afraid of the dark, but we're just skipping the part around the campfire. And then I read somewhere that that was actually confirmed. That's the whole thing is that's why it's so outlandish. And so I love the idea that maybe this movie that we're watching is just this omnipotent being, Tails, playing a video game. No, because I think a child telling a story has better story structure than this.
A child, or maybe they don't, but a child wouldn't insert a 30 minute rom-com that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Okay, but they would insert a random 30 minute dance break scene starring their favorite, or like featuring their favorite song from eight years ago.
I think that was one of the things. So I appreciate that. I believe Jesse, you did enjoy this film. I actually liked the first one a lot more. I don't know if you agree, Carolyn. I think Jim Carrey's funnier. I feel like structurally, it's like a plot that's moving somewhere.
This one had so many odd moments where they're like, you know, it'd be really funny if Sonic danced, and it hopefully won't be problematic that the country where they dance will invade another country at some point, but we're just gonna hope that Russians are still fun when we release this film. They're notoriously fun people. It is funny to think, I wonder if they did the Red Dawn movie. They remade it. And in the original movie, The Russians Attack America, but in the remake, China Attacks America, but then Chinese censors of the government was like, you can't do that. You're not gonna be able to show it. So they just like CG'd all the flags, North Korean or something.
That's what I was kind of wondering at some point if they're like, we are from non-specific, maybe not even real, sorta Eastern European country. We are here to dance. We have no affiliation with former USSR. But no, they're from Russia. They're Siberian.
It's pretty exciting. But anyway, there's just a lot of instances like, maybe they're not so bad. Maybe we are okay. We dance. You thought we would fight, but we are not fighters, we are dancers.
I think the thing, it was like that scene, the like, where he's dancing again, but with like the dog and like the eating junk food, there's just, and then again, the random rom-com, there's just so much like, they had about 20 minutes worth of an idea, and they just like, here, like it could have been like a half season of a Sonic show to some extent, where the overarching plot is like, we gotta get the chaos, whatever. But in the movie, it just feels like, just fricking nonsense. Just the structure makes no sense to me. Absolutely. It is a fever dream of a movie. It's just, but there's, I think the reason, the biggest reason for me, where the first one is better, besides a full gloved hand going inside of Agent Stone's mouth, which is again, extremely hot, was there was so much more Sonic bullet time in the first one. Like those scenes where he's, everything's super slow and we can feel how fast he is, is like, that's so fun. I wanted way more of that. Did not need any dancing. I love, love the gymnastics that they go to, that they go through in order to make them not touch, like to make Sonic and like James Marsden, like never hug because the CG just looks like, the technology's out there.
It does not look good. It looks, even with the dog, it's like, the shadows are weird and like, it's not great.
And I just really loved the fist bump thing and how they made that, like part of the plot was so, because the kids don't give a shit. Like, why did they even do that?
Who was that for? So much of this. Well, you know what? Who is this for?
So there were a couple of kids close to me in the theater when I was watching this and I'm, at the beginning, they were like pretty chatty and I was like, oh, this is gonna suck. But I actually got a good feel for like, what was actually cool about this movie for kids. And they actually kind of liked the power bump. They were like, I guess they don't know the word dap yet. I explained it to them after the film, but like during the movie, they were like, oh cool, like power bump. And they would power bump each other and that was cool.
You did that thing, the stand up mom, where you went to the front of the theater and you were like, all right, I got a couple of things I want to explain. Dapping, flossing, I'm sure you guys have played a game or two, but you don't know the deep cannon like I do. Right, if you guys see the Sonic, that's pregnant, because I got a few images. Throw them on the screen, Jeff.
I think one of the fun things too, about that first movie with the bullet time stuff, I don't know if you thought about it this way, but when he power slides under the bus and it explodes, it's like 60 dead people. It's a bus in transit in the middle of the day in San Francisco. That bus is full of people and they are all dead.
And he's like, yeah, gotta go fast. Have the courage to show the bodies on screen, at least. That's what I'm saying. He's a child soldier and we need to show the realities.
We surely do. I think there was, the acting in this movie was fantastic from pretty much everybody. I thought, did so great.
Say what you will about the wedding scenes, but that actress, what is her name? Who plays the bride?
I think, yeah, Natasha Rothwell is so funny. It's good for her for just being so grounded and incredible in this. And I think that's, in the writing is, some characters are so good and have such strong viewpoints.
And then James Marsden and his wife, yeah, Tika Sumter and James Marsden, their characters are written so that they have no reaction or opinion to anything that happens around them. In the first movie, I was shocked because James Marsden has no viewpoint about what's happening to him at any time.
Like, I needed him to ask one question to Sonic, like, what are you? Am I hallucinating? Like, he did not freak out at all. It's interesting that then kind of all the humans, or at least the two main humans are just NPCs. They serve no purpose except to usher Sonic into this weird adulthood.
Are they playing the game? Somebody's playing the game.
We're gonna find it. Jim Carrey's playing the game? I think you're getting to the conspiracy theory that Sonic is actually part of the TSCU, the Truman Show Cinematic Universe. Jim Carrey? It's all connected. Oh, shit, like Jim Carrey is playing Sonic while people watch Jim Carrey play Sonic?
Oh. Oh, fuck. My God.
That's a delightful thought. I was gonna say, you said her name was Natasha Rothwell. She's in White Lotus the first season of that. She's like the masseuse or whatever. She's really great in that too. So it is funny.
I mean, even James Marston, Marston, Marston, James, Jimmy. Jimmy's great in everything that he's in, generally speaking.
It is funny that they also, it's just such a weird miscast role where like her beefcake husband is like, we're all jacked and strong. And he's like, yeah, me too. I'm so weak. And I'm like, dude, you're freaking jacked. A notorious action star. Like, why are you, yeah.
Okay, so here's how I would fix, and this is also my pitch for Sonic 3.
So I don't love that the only evil person is a scientist. That's not a message that kids, like cops are good, scientists are bad. Sorry, fucking think again. That's not how the world works. ACAB and scientists are good.
I think we need to put more critical race theory into our math textbooks. I agree. Into our Sonic, yeah. And so I think in the third movie, they should have a good scientist in opposition to the evil scientist that is Dr. Robotnik.
And James Morrison should leave the police force. And we should have a bad cop so they could have a shootout or something. It'd be great. And then they can kill a possible of 60 people. And then they can kiss, yeah.
Now what, again, to bring up the original Sonic canon, in the official, okay, in the sort of official, there's the, what was it called, the Sonic Bible, I guess, that Sega of America wrote while they were waiting for Sega of Japan to kind of figure out the actual canon. They had, Sega of America had to start marketing. So they're like, screw this, we're writing our own thing. So the story that they came up with was that Robotnik was originally a good guy.
He was this environmentalist. He would collect hurt animals and recuperate them or whatever.
And Sonic accidentally burrowed into Robotnik's, oh, at the time his name was Dr. Kintobor, which you may recognize as Robotnik backwards. So he burrows into Robotnik's little hideout thing where he's doing good crime, I guess. And they become best buds. Robotnik helps Sonic become supersonic and get all his powers and stuff. But then there's like some rogue wave from the sun that messes around with some crystals. And that suddenly turns Robotnik evil and his name reverses and shit somehow. But that would be such a cool thing for the third movie is to do that in reverse, make Robotnik become the good guy. And that's how the story ends. Or just make it a, well, I was gonna say you can make it a prequel, but I guess we already have a Sonic origin. You guys, Sonic is too rad to be bad.
Everything that Sonic does, he's skateboarding, he's snowboarding, he's gotta quit. He's stealing Oreos, but still paying for them. He's living the dream. Oreo Finns, get outta here.
I just love that they made a character that looks so insane when put next to a real person and they're just like, this is your idealized childhood. Total, I mean, and that was all completely deliberate. I love it. That was all deliberate from the start. He had to be the raddest thing possible. And that's why they were like, Bart Simpson, he's in there. I forget the others that it was, but you're totally right.
Yeah. I feel like one of the weirdest things about, I think this about Deadpool a little bit as well. I feel like he is a Deadpool-esque character where it's the sheer volume of quips that's supposed to carry the day. Loves to fuck. Yes, that as well.
But just the sheer amount of one-liners that he says are insane because they're almost never funny. It's weird how often they don't land and they seem to be there because it was written in the script, say joke. And they usually don't have anything to do with anything.
My favorite part is when Knuckles is like, you're still joking. Your jokes are terrible. And I was like, whoo, Knuckles. It's just like, it's funny because- Yeah, it's non sequitur quips only. Yeah, it's interesting that Knuckles like, it's funny that he phrased it in that way as opposed to, oh, you're continuing to make jokes that I think are kind of funny, but it's not the time. He's like, no, your jokes suck.
And he's like, yeah, but like, how about the 49ers? Because we live in California.
I feel like that might've been- You seem exhausted by this movie. I am. This is the thing is I have two daughters and they're gonna make me wanna watch, or they're gonna force me to watch things like this someday.
But I have been pleasantly surprised so far with like, Frozen is great. I saw Frozen recently. It's a great movie. There are lots of great kids movies and they're well-written and stuff. I just wish that Sonic like, made some sense or was like a little bit funny for me as an adult and not like the four little girls that were sitting in front of, it was like, there were five people in the theater.
It was me, there was six and there was a mom. They got up before it was over and they're all standing by the door waiting for it to end so that they can leave. And I'm sitting there by myself with my hood up like, no, I have a reason- I'm doing this for work. I have a reason to be here.
It was, yeah, not the best. My, I have a niece that's like approximately the age of your daughters, I think. She loved the first one. I haven't seen the second one yet, but it was incredibly cute to see her saying, gotta go fast for a long time. Carolyn, I don't know if you remember that weird off-brand Sonic gimp suit we used to have in the College Humor office. Of course. I used to pop that on and FaceTime with her. She loved that thing. Oh my God.
But I'm not totally sure why because there haven't been any good Sonic games. Not that my niece isn't a gamer. My brother and I grew up absolutely loving Sonic and that's why that got introduced to her family. But the kids that were in my theater, God knows why they like this stuff. Cause they probably weren't like a Ben Schwartz fan. They probably haven't had a good Sonic game in their lifetime.
So I don't know- Cause they've been told that it's for them. Yeah, I- They've seen, I'm sure whatever they're watching their media on, they've been heavily marketed Sonic. Like as aware of, as we are of it as adults, they are like tenfold getting hammered with Sonic marketing. I feel like too, you know, it is only, I mean, they use aspects of Sonic and like he goes fast and their characters and whatever. But in general, I wonder if this is sort of how video game movies could and should work anyway, which is, it doesn't fricking matter about, I mean, I don't know. I guess you can go either way with it cause people are gonna get pissed about it. But like, I'm interested in the Halo show which apparently sucks, but it's like not covering the plot at all. It's like its own thing.
And I, it is interesting that every single interview with a video game director is like, yeah, I didn't, I don't play that shit. I don't care. Like the Assassin's Creed director was like, I don't even know what an assassin is. And- Terrible. I don't know.
It's just like, I think Sonic could easily work if he was the blue hedgehog fast man. Like I just don't see, I don't think kids give a crap about him being Sonic. He just has a lot of things that would appeal to a kid anyway cause he is blue and wears sneakers and looks. Makes quips. But now they can release, now when they do make a new Sonic game, every kid will be playing it.
It's a good point. It's an ouroboros of marketing and it's a delicious cycle of capitalism. I've always had that. My tail tastes so good. The gimp suit comment made me think about something that I have been, has been keeping me up at night.
Is Sonic wearing gloves? Oh, I was trying to figure that out. And socks, they're all wearing shoes for some reason. Is Sonic wearing gloves? Or is that weird? I think those are gloves. Because if you look at them, they have like tubes almost on them.
So I think it could be part of his flesh. Guys, I gotta know what Sonic feels like. How heavy is he? Because he doesn't feel like, we're thinking flesh and bones and muscle and stuff. He doesn't have that. He's a being of energy beyond our comprehension. What does he feel like? How heavy is Sonic? I bet he's got hollow bones.
I bet his species evolved from whatever birds were. Oh, that owl over there. Their owl.
Yeah, long claw. Well, that is an interesting question because he looks very fuzzy. But ostensibly, I mean, I don't know how spiky hedgehogs are. He's a buzzsaw. Yeah, well, that's his power. He turns into a freaking buzzsaw, but yeah, they make him look like a plushie.
Well, anything going fast enough can be pretty destructive. You take a piece of silk and you whip it around quick enough. You could cut a pineapple in half.
I bet. That's just science. That's critical race theory. It's not. Wait, do I not understand what that means? I think nobody does.
But yeah, I was looking at the glove, like the tubules at the end of his hands. That said to me, that looked like gloves. Then when you look at Knuckles, it looks like his actual little spiky things are super sharp, but his gloves seem to like sort of have some padding around them. I think they look like they're sewn on. Like it looks like they are in fact boxing gloves. I don't even think those never at any point demonstrate to me that they might be sharp. They look like two little plush pyramid looking triangle things on the end of it.
Well, he does grapple them kind of into the side of the mountain to catch himself. You're right. And that's a major part of that. That's why he exists in the games. He was basically just Sonic and they needed him to be able to do something different. And they're like, he sticks to the wall now. Okay, okay. Love that. It didn't look like that, but you're right. That scene did exist.
His hands are so weird. I'm like, I'm not really, not that I need to be, but I don't feel very threatened by these weird pillows on your hand. Like it doesn't feel like when you think of a guy whose whole skill is to punch and to, I guess, penetrate with his fists.
Nice. Yeah. That's why he teamed up with Eggman. Yeah, he did. They get a double team stone who, by the way, that stone, I don't know if I mentioned this, the stone at the very beginning, he drinks the juices from. You know, the stone juice leaks into his cup and then he, just saying, Carolyn is not wrong. Oh yeah.
But yeah, I just, at no point other than them constantly telling me and the fact that he can defeat Sonic at certain things, nothing about his physical stature. It's so goofy to be like, he is a warrior. Which I guess it's a kid's movie.
So what are you gonna do? Jordan, you're still thinking like a human. You gotta expand your consciousness. I don't know. We need to do mushrooms or what, but like we gotta think about this in a different way. You're right. You gotta get like 10% hornier and about 150% more alien thinking. Exactly.
I think I wanna be either of those things in a kid's movie theater. But all right. I wanna give a shout out to the character designers. What a hellish time they had when they released their first masterpiece and the internet was like, oh, nope. And they went back to the drawing board and I think they did a good job of making this a cool thing to watch. And then also they had to create now three characters that were both like cool and fun for kids but not threatening to them and also held some sort of power.
And so they had to make Knuckles fits like just big fluffy boxing gloves. But they had to establish that he was still very strong in the fist. So that's why they kept on doing the whole like, oh, you got a strong handshake thing. It felt clunky, but what else could they do? They had to make these kids toys move, you know? Yeah.
Tails getting bullied for having two tails and being able to fly because of that and being a genius is Tails from a different planet. Tails is from their own planet, but Sonic and Knuckles are from the same planet. No, I don't think Knuckles and Sonic are related at all. That's why I brought it up at the beginning where it's like, he keeps being like, don't you know my race of echidna has such a problem with the owls and the owls love you, hedgehog. So that sucks and why we are now enemies. Like there was nothing to suggest that like you're a different version of me. They're like two different similarly named races. Although even still, why would Sonic, why is he a hedgehog?
Like this doesn't make any... That's just the name of his species. But they also go out of their way to say like tribe. So this is what I'm saying.
Okay, I think millennia ago near the formation of the cosmos, near the beginning, a life form emerged that then split into three, possibly four, who knows how many different species that then colonized the stars around maybe their local solar system and became so technologically advanced that to us it seems magic. The power of the rings, the power of the stones, the master emerald or whatever that buckets called. Chaos emerald, come on. Chaos emerald, we can't comprehend this because this is an ancient and venerable species. And maybe one of those species also evolved to look like an owl.
Just as a side note. Yeah, correct.
Yeah, you know how like everything, like eight different species have independently evolved to turn into crabs. I did not know that. Yeah, that's a little in joke in the archeology world. But there's been at different points, there's been totally different species that have like turned into just full on what we see as crabs.
Yeah. I know that life. It's very similar to what Carolyn just said. See, there you go. But it's playing out on a cosmic scale. Okay, well, real quick.
The echidnas, so the echidnas are the ones that forged the nine rings. Not the nine rings, but they're the ones with the chaos emeralds.
Yeah, right? Isn't it only? I don't remember.
If I'm not mistaken, there's a scene where the echidnas, all of them come together to make the chaos emerald. But before they can like use it to obliterate too many whatever they're fighting, the owls swoop in like the eagles in Lord of the Rings and they steal it and hide it on earth. Is this just a better version of Lord of the Rings? Because we all know that the eagles should have just flown them to Mordor in the fucking first place. And in this universe, the owls, yeah, they get it done. They actually do what they should have done in the beginning. I don't know, that sort of lore stuff sort of slipped pretty quickly past me because they're just like, it's video game.
Just shut up. But I think I just kept getting hung up on like why are Knuckles and Sonic not friends? And or why are they not more diametrically opposed? Where he's like, the reason he hates Sonic is because he's connected to Longclaw, who he hates. Not.
It's also because he lost his family. Knuckles lost his family in the attack on Sonic's family, in the attack on Longclaw. I think there is a direct- So they lost everything that same day, that same event in their life, which then again, they would be the same age, I guess, because Sonic was a baby child then, Knuckles is a baby child then, is that same day. So this is also presuming that Longclaw killed a ton of the kidneys.
The whole tribe. Well, you know, it was worth it. I guess. Well, they were building WMDs. You had to preemptively get in there and take them out. That's right, that's right.
No one should have the power to eat the Chaos Emerald and then go full Super Saiyan. That is interesting too, is this idea, or like at the end when Sonic becomes a god, ostensibly, he just then decides not to be god, but- Cause he had some more growing up to do. It's such a funny thing to say. I'll be god later. I'm sure this opportunity will come around again.
I like that he summons a chili dog though, which they haven't really referenced any other time in the movie. Like does he, they never bring it up that just totally relies on you. Did he do it in the first one, or no? I don't think, I don't remember there being a chili dog in the first movie. I think he does eat a chili dog during his snack, soapy snack fest or something like that.
I was more struck by how the CG of the chili dog was horrible. It was so bad looking, it's like just shoot a chili dog and then like model it after that. I don't know why it looks like low res Xbox graphics. Chili dog is kind of- That's what processed meat looks like on his home planet.
I do think that is, yeah, one of the funniest things is ultimately how terrible the CG looks for the characters themselves. Like they don't look even remotely grounded in reality. So they have to work around his bumping and all that stuff. Jordan was spoiled by Howard the Duck.
He wanted all of them to be piloted by children in suits. Oh my God, I would love that. I do.
They actually shot a version of this movie but the kids kept getting sick throwing up cause they were spinning them around too fast when they were doing this buzzsaw series. They weren't great at punching holes in walls or anything like that. Yeah, they broke their hands. They lost 17 kids on the snowboarding scene. It's just, it wasn't worth it. Children can't access their rage the way adults can.
That's true. So, all right, this is technically the title of this live stream.
But, so Jim Carrey, Jim Carrey made the first movie for me. I generally enjoyed watching the first movie because Jim Carrey was so funny in it.
Every time he came on screen, I was like, oh right, this is the guy that I thought was the funniest person in the world in the nineties when I watched like Ace Ventura and all that stuff, dumb and dumber. I thought he kind of sucked in this one. I didn't find him very funny at all.
Reviewers seem to disagree, but I don't know. I just didn't think it was that good. And then he said this may be his last movie ever. So, maybe he agreed with me. I don't know.
Wow, that can't possibly be true. Actors need to just, I know they're a dramatic bunch by definition. That's what I've heard.
But like, chill out. Don't, it's like, it's like, hey, I'm getting off Twitter for a while. Like, don't put that, just leave. No one's waiting for you.
I think he did do a hiatus or something a few years ago. Or maybe it was just that he like came out as a very serious and strange man, you know? Like, I feel like he's always like, he's pretty dramatic. He's like, always looking to be taken more seriously. But then he goes and is Dr. Robotnik for two movies.
I like the idea. Hey, I'm sure that's some serious money. I would take that seriously. I'm sure he got paid a fuck ton.
And now, Royalty's forever? He said, never need to work again, Jim. Retire.
I mean, it's making a lot of movie already. And that's even with pandemic stuffs and people are shuttling their kids to the theater to see this. I think it might be a big publicity stunt where he's gonna dramatically return for Sonic 3. It's gonna be amazing. He's leveraging all of his like celebrity capital for Sonic 3, for his glorious return. It's like Tom Brady on retiring for one last movie, one last job. It's Sonic 3, like the return of Sonic.
Doc, you know what it is, is Dr. Kintobor is Jim Carrey's Deadpool. The way Ryan Reynolds was like, I will do Deadpool my way one day. This is Jim Carrey. He did the first two movies where it's Robotnik, but he really wants to get Kintobor into the movie. We're gonna get some leaked test footage of him just crushing it as a Kintobor or whatever.
It's some like random clip and we're gonna be like, oh man, we're gonna have to get that green lit. We're gonna start a change.org petition. It's gonna happen. It's gonna be amazing.
I never blame the actors in movies. Like it's never the actor's fault, I think. Unless that actor is Hayden Christensen and then get the fuck off my Star Wars, sir or ma'am, please. But it's never the actor's fault.
Like there's so much that goes into making these films, the writing, who knows? There may be takes that we have never seen. There may be a whole butthole cut that we'll never get our eyes on.
A piss cut, but we can draw pictures. But we can draw pictures.
So I think Jim Carrey did a good job. He's also so much of this acting. He was like totally alone on like a green screen. And he's also hiding behind the glasses and the big mustache and stuff. And the prosthetic dick too.
Bitch, you didn't notice that. I did not notice that, I missed that. I can't believe I did.
What? That's worth a rewatch. No, there's not. Okay.
I just saw something where he's just thinking of things that make it harder. So I think he did a good job, but like just like Sonic's one-liners are nonsense. So too was so much of his dialogue. It was just like either so trite and just like, oh, you just stole like a quote from a different movie. Just make no sense. There's no like emotional thrust. But I love the character of like so brilliant that he's just evil. Like driven mad by your own brilliance. And in the first movie, they did such a good job of just making him this untouchable asshole who's so like deeply self-conscious too that he has to put everyone else down.
I just love it. I relate to that. Well, right. So that's what I'm saying though is in the first one, he had something that I thought was that he had his gay romance.
He had his issues with authority and like anybody thinking that he sucked and all that stuff. And it was very clear like quest for power to get Sonic's whatever. And in this one, it's just even the deal with Knuckles, it's kind of confusing. Like it's never a hundred percent clear. I mean, I know what they're getting at. Knuckles just wants to find it. And Jim Carrey is like, I just wanna help you because my only goal is to kill Sonic, I guess. And Knuckles is like, I mean, that makes sense, I guess. Why wouldn't you wanna kill this blue?
Child. But it's just the little things like him flossing again, it's just so... Ooh, that was rough. That was cringe as the kids say. I just feel like...
I think nobody should ever dance either in a movie or real life. Dancing is cringe.
I agree. About that, but I just mean, even like, that's a joke from the first movie, it seems like they could have upped it. He's like, I used to floss, but now I'm into whatever the new cool Fortnite emote is. Totally, whatever the new stolen Fortnite emote dance is.
Anyway, I don't know, I was bummed by it. If he goes out on this, it's gonna be kind of depressing. Oh, don't, Jordan, you look so sad, don't worry.
He looks a lot like my dad, so I feel very good connection to him. My dad looks like Larry David, so I just watch Curbed and get dressed in that way.
And there's seven million episodes of that show, so you'll be fine. Yeah, I think that Jim Carrey will be back for sure. I wouldn't worry about that.
I also think that it was the big weak point of this movie was that there were too many plots. Oh, yeah. There was the whole wedding subtext, wedding arc that they didn't need at all. James Marsden still didn't have an opinion about finding an alien. Oh, here's also, I just need to point this out. This is a major incongruity between the first movie and the second movie.
In the first movie, they clearly show Sonic getting wet and shaking himself very quickly to dry off. And he's puffy, he puffs out. In this movie, he falls in the lake, in the boat, just so they can establish for later that he doesn't like water, which is not true because we see him in the bath, which is, again, weird because he's his child. I think that he claims to never do, but has clearly done. Yes, he gets dunked in the water, comes back out, is shown freezing and shivering when he can just dry himself off.
I thought that was a real lazy writing. Interesting.
So Sonic producers, I'm a writer. I'll write just screenplay for Sonic 3.
I'll win Jim Carrey an Oscar. I'll win Ben Schwartz an Oscar. I do think- You want best picture and best animated feature and best live action?
Call me, Carolyn Page. My number is 970.
Oh, I was like, oh, no. I will say that just as a general thought, it does surprise me that it's not more often, I'm assuming, that a comedian is just hired to just write the one-liners or whatever. It seems like they could always be better because there are a lot of people that write jokes in the world. Yeah. And they have to go through all the effort of animating them, so it just feels like could be better, should be better. You'd think Ben Schwartz would have been given more latitude to make some quips, but it doesn't, I don't think that he did. Well, did you see? One of the world's most famous improvisers. Yeah, we'll just write these lines for him. Well, did you see, he does, doesn't he sing the worst or whatever, the like red parks and rec?
Yes. I was like, oh, that's fun. That's a good point. For me and nobody else in this theater, clearly. Hey kids, let me explain this to you. You want late 2000 sitcoms? You guys know about that? That's a thing, right? It's good.
Don't watch the first season, but season two, it gets real good. I brought the DVDs, I'm gonna need them back, but you could borrow them. What's a DVD?
Yeah, exactly. Anyway, it's just weird to have such dated references to like, again, the frickin' downtown, how's the name of that song? Fun Funk. Is that it? Oh, Uptown Funk? That's right, Downtown Funk is much easier.
They really should have made them dance to WAP. Something a little more current. What's like the kid's WAP version of WAP? Like how would they make that appropriate for this movie?
Like wet as pasta or something? No, no, he's a wet as possum. But they can't say as. He's wet as a possum, but though he is a hedgehog, he's very similar in wetness to a similar rodent type creature.
All right, we're gonna transition. You guys got any other final things that you wanted to hit before we look at what is ultimately like, no. Anyway, what do you got?
I enjoyed the homages to the actual gameplay. Like I said, with like Knuckles being able to latch on to clips and stuff and the way he could fly, but only in a slightly downward direction. But that was really cool. Some of the settings, like the whole temple thing was very much a Sonic level. They had Sonic get in there by falling down this like water shoot and stuff, like sucks up the air bubble. This was all pretty, probably a little bit ham fisted, but I liked seeing it. Cause I knew that these, the people who made the movie had played the games and were at least for brief moments they were trying to pander to me instead of the kids in the theater. Yeah, that was nice.
I think this movie, this is more about the larger film industry in general, I think, or the way that we're making movies now. These movies made me realize that movies have come full circle in a way in that the post credit scene and pretty much any big like franchise blockbuster, you know, there's going to be a post credit scene now, right? It's just become de rigueur. So it's become so, we've gone full circle like in the fifties, early days of film, you'd get all the credits right at the beginning. And I think we just need to go back to that maybe for like pacing. I don't know cause every movie, like there's so many false endings and like I want to leave on like a moment, but we can't do that because there's credits and then there's like, oh, it's over and oh, it's not over.
Oh, the shadows coming. Oh, government made it. Ooh. Yeah.
I feel like also shadow, nobody likes shadow, right? I have no affinity for shadow. That feels to me like a weak premise to hang the third part of your trilogy on, but.
I mean. I'm in. Who likes anything? I'm pre-ordering tickets right now.
I feel like the thing that I'm surprised hasn't happened yet, Carolyn, to your point is, I'm surprised we still have credits at all because if they cut the 10 minutes of credits, you could fit another runtime in and ultimately you feel like that is the thing that people would care about. And by people, I mean the people making the movies and selling the movies and showing the movies is one of the reasons that movies are shorter or longer tends to, some of the argument becomes, well, if it's only 90 minutes, we can do two showings for the case of one Batman. And it seems like at some point that's gonna be cut or it's gonna go twice as fast. It's weird. It should just be a QR code, like menus now. That actually is a great idea. But it's just like, it's weird that they want everybody to sit in the theater way longer than they need to to give them a piece of content. I mean, I think it's ultimately because they know that 80% of the people are gonna leave and they're gonna go to YouTube and it'll just like keep that like internet engine moving probably, but something like that, yeah. Well, I mean, you're right that they're already starting to do that in that like streaming services, just automatically have that skip credits button. But I know that people that make films or aspiring filmmakers absolutely hate that. And like there are people, people that care about the craft of filmmaking will sit in the theater specifically to watch the credits, whether or not there's an end, a post credit scene. So I hope that it doesn't go in that direction, but I think you're right marketing wise, it makes sense. And like probably in our lifetimes, but every- I think it's part of the art.
It's like we, everyone, when I saw Sonic, which was at 1 p.m. showing in the middle of the day on like a Thursday at the Americana at Brand, the best place on earth, everybody clapped. There was like a solid like 60 seconds of roar-ous applause. It was fun. Wow. I liked it. Sonic two or the four- Sonic two. Wow, cool. Yeah.
The four girls did not applause in mind.
I will say though, what I was thinking Jesse is, that's not necessarily true of any other media you consume. Like you don't get a whole song on an album that's like Jeff's on the bass. You know, like it's not, it's not usually baked in to the thing in a way that is ever like forcibly, you must ingest this part of it if you want to get to the, I don't know, like the best guitar solo is after everybody's like, and Jeff, he played bass and Charles, he got everybody sandwiches and, you know, by the way, no animals were harmed and- But there's also fewer people, I think, that are making an album. Like, do you want like Anthony Aquitas to stop before like the big guitar solo and be like, hold on. I just want to give a shout out to Rick Rubin. He really worked hard on this one. No, I don't want any of it anywhere.
I would imagine there's also just like- Oh, okay. I would imagine there's also like legally, they must. Like there's union rules. There is. You know. I'm just saying. But I think we should get rid of unions. That's a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so let's hit these few observations that Brian found for us. Greg says, Jordan having to watch all the Sonic and Eggman movies back to back in 10 years is going to suck. That's true. Blaze, Martin says- Oh, wait, there is already a spinoff in development centered around- Knuckles. Knuckles, right? Yeah, yeah. So you just can't get any parts anymore, I guess. They truly must be paying so much, or they all have- For sure. So many children that we don't know about that they are trying to please. It's true, too. Blaze says that Sonic and Eggman should make out to have babies, that's really good. Yep. XJ, X, oi, said, thought Tails was hot, how about you guys?
Nope, it's a child. Yeah, not hot. Beautiful eyes, the cops will be at your house in five minutes.
But I did think- I did think that Tails was coded as female in the beginning because they made their chest fur look like breasts, which I also appreciated that they put full titties on the owl, on long claws design. They gave her breasts, owls don't have breasts. Just because it's a female doesn't need- They do eggs.
We don't know what's going on under all those feathers. You ever see owl legs, how crazy they look? Imagine what their boobs look like. They don't look like anything.
Well, we don't have to imagine anymore, we have an entire film series dedicated to exploring it. So anyway, Omni Onacron says that for better or worse, will these movies be the new threshold video game movies like is this gonna be the prototypical video game movie template moving forward? I'd prefer this to like Ready Player One where it's just like- It's not really, I mean- It's not, but it's an amalgam of like Easter eggs in a million different video games, which I thought was lazy and pandering. And I'm glad that at least they, I don't know, I prefer this to that. Is this going to be better than the Mario movie that's coming out?
Wait, is there a movie with Chris Pratt? Oh, Chris Pratt, right? Yeah, okay, it's Italian. The famous Italian actor, Chris Pratt.
And it's animated, so it's not like they couldn't have gotten the original voice actor, right? I don't know, I mean, it's tough to say because I think you could make the same argument that Detective Pikachu helped lay this groundwork as well which is like, it's a kid's movie, it's a hybrid, it's in the universe, but it has nothing to do with any established plot necessarily. I mean, I guess there is a game, a Detective Pikachu game that I'm not super familiar with. I do think it makes sense ultimately, why wouldn't video game movies be more targeted towards kids? Like- It just depends on the franchise. Like you mentioned the Assassin's Creed game movie earlier which is, the Assassin's Creed, the actual lore, I'm not gonna get into it right now, but it's awesome and vast and does also have to do with aliens. I guess that's the thing though, is that the people that you want to go see this movie are never gonna be happy. It doesn't feel like, it's just gonna be hard to, I feel like a lot of these that get converted tend to be sci-fi, right? It's like Last of Us, it's Halo, it's Assassin's Creed and I feel like, I don't know, the budgets just get really high, I don't think people are dying to see hardcore serious sci-fi video game movies. I don't know. Where as opposed to Sonic, where again, it's like I don't know anything about Sonic, I don't know anything about Dapping, but look at the, it's cute and it goes, it just feels like, or like Pikachu's the same thing where it's like, well it's got a funny little voice, he looks cute. I don't know, it just feels like, I guess, how much did Uncharted make?
Did that succeed? Oh, is that even out yet? I think saying even the, looking at it like, is this the new standard for video game movies? No, it's just meeting a current standard for kids movies, which is nothing, like there is, I can say, nothing new or innovative about the Sonic series, like we're not reinventing the wheel at all, we're just using things, market research stuff that we know works. Yeah, I would agree with that.
To make the best movie of the year. Yeah, I don't think we've cracked, it's gonna take, so Uncharted made almost 400 million, which is pretty good, but I think it's gonna take, yeah, like The Last of Us is gonna have to crash, like I still don't think we've gotten a serious video game movie that's made better by being associated with video games. I guess that's the thing too, is like even if The Last of Us does well, it might just be because people like zombie movies or whatever, I don't know.
That's a serious thing. Oh, you're right, that's on HBO.
But like Uncharted, I think a lot of people that watch that don't know friggin' anything about Uncharted. Like that connection is not necessarily, I don't know, it'd be interesting to explore. Now I'm thinking of Prince of Persia, which they've got a new Prince of Persia game coming out, and I've never seen the movie, but Jake Gyllenhaal playing the titular Prince of Persia. That's true, they've also made a lot of shooting themselves in the foot with just really bad ideas.
Anyway, also fun fact, according to this list, Sonic is 3.3 and 77 pounds, if that was something. 77 pounds.
You wanted to know. So he is essentially like a piece of silk cutting up pineapple when he blows up a tank or whatever he does. I just wanna hold his arms and feel what his squishiness is. You know what I mean? I bet it's probably like, it feels like those old toys, action figures, whatever, that are like rubber with some bendable metal going through it. That's what they feel like. Yeah, that's what I think he feels like.
Also Brian asks, I'm just gonna keep going. Brian was asking, are the gloves just how all cartoons have to be animated for some reason, because it's also Mickey Mouse, it's also Bugs Bunny. It's like most animated things, at least older ones, and now apparently newer ones have gloves for some reason. The answer is, I don't know.
Hands are hard to draw. There were a couple of quick frames in the old Sonic animated series like PSAs, where they show he takes off his gloves and he has this gross human thumb. He stubs his toe and a gross human toe emerges from his shoe. So yeah, he's got pink human skin under there.
Ew, ooh, I hate that. Do you think they always had this design for Sonic, but they made a horror design for Sonic to make it go viral? Because that's how the internet works now. So you gotta make people mad, and then it builds up a thing, and then you can be like, oh, I fixed it. Like IHOP becoming IHOP, and you think that was, they were like, this is sick. And then people got mad. Yeah, I think it was, they did a ton of work and made a crazy character design, and then the internet actually did something good for once and was like, we will not stand for this. I wonder, but like, to the points that we've been making, how many of those 45-year-old angry dudes are in the theater right now, now that the design matches their preferred aesthetic? Like they're not, they didn't care.
That's a really good point. Like the eight-year-old is like, ah, I think the teeth are too human. I'm actually gonna walk out of the theater like that. But I think even the eight-year-olds would not have been as taken with the, like the current Sonic now is adorable. So cute.
That's true. It is true.
But the animators did such a good job. Like, I can't imagine how many long nights they must have pulled. And I mean, yeah, being an animator is notoriously like just taxing. Like they just work you to the goddamn bone, both in like CG film animation and also video game animation, which this is obviously a crossover of both. So I bet it made a lot of people very miserable for a long time.
Here's hoping. We actually had a, I don't remember if you pitched it or not, but there was a guy, Mike Amory, I think, who used to do a lot of stuff with hard drive. And he got mad at me because our wires crossed. Anyway, we pitched something, but he didn't know that we were pitching this. To Mick Sweeney's talking about trying to rewrite The Odyssey, but as a video, the guy having to redesign Sonic, just like all of the- That's hilarious. Yeah, and then he got mad, which is totally fair.
And I was like, oh, actually, don't look at it. Don't look at our pitch. It's not of me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mike.
Nothing came of it. Nothing was happy. We all lost.
All right, let's do titles. So I'll do two that I have, and then we can work through. Brian has not put any alts in yet, so there may just not be any. But I have gotta go gay as one, and the other is an exploration into animal teats.
Love that. Because of tails, because of long claw, just the age of animals, of all these mammals, although owls are not mammals, but the other mammals, they're all echidnas. They should all be- On their planet, maybe they are. That's true. Wow, see, yeah, again, we're thinking too similar to our own species. That's true. It's just parallel evolution, you know?
Yeah, so maybe it's just owls have teats now, the movie. But go ahead, Jesse, you got any for us? Yeah, I got chaos in the emeralds.
Stupid. Got radical race theory.
And then- Oh, because he just goes fast. Yeah, I mean, he's very rad. Our SEO might be insane if we use that. And then, we'll say Robotnik and Stone's infinite playlist. He pitches this every time, it's not cute.
It's cute this time. Carolyn, do you have any owls for us? Okay, the Eggman cometh. Nice.
That's so good. I'm here for Eggman in Stone and Eggman in Stone only. I want a full spin off. You know what, after this, I'm gonna write some fan fiction. Look for it. What about the egg in the stone? We're gonna go that round. Oh, that's good. That's good. Egg in- Yeah, I like that. I should also mention that canonically, he is egg-shaped because when that rogue wave comes and messes with the chaos emerald, he happens to be holding a hard-boiled egg that he brought for lunch that day. And so, that's why he's Eggman. Yeah. That's never- I love that.
Is it addressed? Is it just because he's bald in these movies?
Well, he is fat and egg-shaped, which is why Jim Carrey was a weird choice to begin with. But I mean, in the movie, there are many characters that call him Eggman. Is there a- Oh. I think it's because his robots look like eggs. He does have a lot of egg-shaped stuff. That's what I thought. And he's like, these are my egg bots. So he was like this close to being like sperm man or like fallopian tube man or something. Yeah. Dodged a bullet. Both also have to do with eggs. They could have called him Spider-Man because he has so many eggs like a spider, but Spider-Man was already taken. Should've called him Blankman. Oh my god, that'd be so bad.
Bren pitches the title, Budda-Ding, but you have to make the sounds. Budda-Ding!
Two. Great. Well, that was- Wait, what about the sound of Sonic drowning? How's that go? Isn't it just like- Ooh-ah!
I thought that they were gonna do a whole water level when they went to the temple. Like, it was an underwater level, I thought, but they didn't do that. I actually- Well, but they just had him drown, but yeah, they didn't do the full level.
I thought him- Yeah. The swimming on the water was my favorite visual scene, of which there were many contenders. However, that one edged them out. Very, very Christ-like. He's also a little bit lazy that he falls into the ocean and then just accidentally wakes up on the island he was trying to run to anyway. Sure. I'm not gonna get picky about it, but that wasn't Jesus. I mean, he was out there, but the guy that walked and then drowned was not Jesus. Right.
Just for our viewers, think that we're being sacrilegious, we're not. You know our stuff. I am being sacrilegious. I may still be ordained, I don't know.
Ooh! Give it a try. I haven't checked if you still got it. Yeah. I'm possessed, so you can try and give me a Skype. What is it?
Exorcism? Exorcism.
Cool. All right, well, if we've got nothing else, if we ever had anything at all, let's just, let's wrap this up. Jesse, where can we find you? I think it's worth going and checking out the episode of Cannonball on Sonic the Hedgehog over at youtube.com slash crack. An excellent destination for all of your pop culture and other interesting needs. Just any need. We cover it. Carolyn, where can we find you?
Oh, you can also find me writing for crack. You can follow me on Twitter and all social media at jacuzzytubs with two Bs. And every Wednesday I host a competitive Fuck Mary Kill game show on the You Jokes YouTube channel that is a real, it's a real fun time. Excellent. And you can find me on Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding. And also remember, we are gonna be live streaming every Monday at 1 p.m. So come back at other times Eastern specifically and subscribe to us on YouTube. But we've also, we're doing audio only versions of this or on Apple podcast, Spotify. We also are a newsletter crack movie club which you can sign up for at crack.com slash movie club. And next week we are doing everything everywhere all at once. Allie returns.
So it's a good movie. A good movie next week.
Sorry, you missed it. I never played the game. So I don't, I might've missed some stuff but I thought it was good.
There's a lot to explore in the origins of, yeah. Whether they all have teats or not. Hopefully they'll cover that in the sequel.
All right, that's it. We're gonna end on that weird note. Goodbye. |
CrackerMilk | keeping_up_with_the_schwarzeneggers | I'm actually good friends with Arnie, you guys know Arnie of course, he's a predator and terminator group like I know his daughter, Barnold Bortenegger Barnold Bortenegger is a fantastic friend I know it's me Barnold Oh my god it's Arnold Yes I'm beer I'm like my father, but everything I say start with B Someone has taken my barter, Barnold Bortenegger Someone took Arnold Bortenegger Barnold Bortenegger Please don't make Barnold my backside I know what we be to boo We need to book the other features Features From other films From other films Bedilda Miss Honey Miss Bunny Alright let's go Look it's Miss Honey the sweet teacher Hey I'm Miss Honey I'm the sweet teacher What the fuck's going on here Oh no it's Bunch's What the fuck's going on here Nothing I swear I told you not to talk to Barnold And you fucking talk to Barnold Just take it out on me not the kids I fucking hate kids You Matilda You fucking cunt Oh you make me fucking angry Hey you talk to Matilda I'm gonna use my mind power You gotta talk to me first She's my daughter Fucker Fucking kill you Miss Honey Fucking kill you I'm gonna use my mind powers to make your head explode I'll fucking kill you Fucking kill you too you fucking idiot We got a bit of pain from this bunch You fucked me We're going to a new film Till we meet again Barnold Please don't make Barnold my backside Hahahaha |
TheOnion | Romney_Santorum_Supporters_To_Beat_Living_Shit_Out_Of_Each_Other_At_Montana_Primary | All right, we're continuing our round-the-clock coverage here on the front lines of election 2012. Jason Copeland is with us. He's going to walk us through the delegate election process in Montana, the only state where party members slug it out in a bare-chested brawl to determine who gets their votes. Right, Jason? Absolutely, Andrea.
And like you said, it's a rather unique process, as you can see on the hollow ring here. If we could bring this up. Love that.
Representatives for each candidate gather in the parking lot of this bar, the Stumble Inn on Highway 15 in Missoula. Now it looks like each group is staking out its spot. That's exactly right. So you have Mitt Romney supporters gathering themselves over by the handicapped parking spaces, the Santorum supporters over here by the dumpster, undecided voters in the ditch with the rusted out car door. Now what will happen is after sizing each other up, the supporters will all take off their shirts, women generally keep their bras on, and go at it in a chaotic, no-holds-barred, bloody mass street fight.
And the last man standing receives all of Montana's 26 delegates for his candidate. Now listen, some people are going to say that maybe it's time for Montana to move to a more modern process. Well, you know, Montana is a very unique state in that way.
They value individuality, they value brute physical strength. It's the only thing they trust. It's tradition. Sure.
Now what kind of strategy goes into play? Because this is a whole new ball game.
Just like any other state, it's all about the undecided voter, right? So it's about pulling the undecided voter over to your side. So representatives will do their best to beat undecided voters unconscious, drag them over to their corner like we're seeing here.
Interesting. How long does this go on for, Jason? Well, if it extends beyond two hours or so, they are allowed to start using baseball bats and broken bottles and campaign signs.
In our simulation here, we can see that Mitt Romney is winning by quite a margin. Okay, so Jason, who are the odds with for taking Montana this year? Well, totally a toss-up. You have Romney and Gingrich making appearances in the state trying to court the bigger, stronger voters. But then you also have Montana Governor One-Eyed Sue, who is endorsing Rick Santorum publicly.
Is she? And she will be there, and that's a big boon for him. Absolutely. And she is quite the scrapper, by the way. I mean, she punctured a man's scrotum with her teeth in the 2000 election.
Okay. Well, we'll all be watching to see what happens. Thank you, Jason. All right, moving on. Newt Gingrich has just received an important endorsement from Fat Criminal magazine. |
dropout | every_teen_movie_ending | Jake, I thought you had a bus to catch. Sure I can catch one tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. Jake!
Jake and Ashley were married that spring. She immediately realized it was a mistake and began a decades-long affair, finally divorcing Jake and claiming sole custody of their child. Jake never saw his son again. The Rickster finally found the courage to tell his parents he was gay. They hung up the phone and haven't spoken to him since.
Buckworm Beth went to Harvard and met the man of her dreams. He gave her HPV and borrowed $1,400 he has yet to pay back. Buck finally got his act together. Unfortunately, a thresher accident would claim both arms and his wiener. He eats through a tube and pees through a different tube.
After that day, Emily was never seen again. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of this man, please contact the police. And of course, Mrs. Henderson. She died alone. These were my best friends. I really miss them. It's too bad I drowned in a pool when I was eight. |
SaturdayNightLive | john_mulaney_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney! thank you. thank you very much. it is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. I thank you. for many, many reasons, I'm grateful to be here tonight. after a very complicated year, it is wonderful to be in a place that's always emphasized sobriety and mental health. since I last hosted, different things have happened. in December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend's apartment. But it was not dinner. it was an intervention for me. my least favorite kind of intervention. when I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have? If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is, this is probably an intervention about my drug problem. there's no other reason people would be behind a door. I walked in. there were six of my friends in New York in person, and six of my friends over Zoom from L.a. And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like, if you're so worried about me, how come you didn't fly in? don't worry.
I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible.
I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience. I'm very grateful that I went. I was there for two months, from December till February 2021. I was there January 6th during the insurrection. wouldn't that have happened on my watch? Because I would have seen to it. was there ever an insurrection before I went to Rehab? No. has there been one since I got out? absolutely not. they wouldn't dare. they know Baby J is back on the streets.
One thing I did in Rehab, one exercise, is you sit down with a counselor, and you delete and block all of your drug dealer's phone numbers. in some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, hey, never get in touch with me again. I'm sober now. it's called breaking up with your drug dealer. I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down. I texted my main dealer, Arvin, first. and I shouldn't have said his name. But that's all right. that's okay. you don't know him. Anyway, I texted Arvin first, and I said, hey, I'm deleting and blocking you. I'm sober now. I'm never going to buy drugs again. And then I'm really polite, so I didn't know how to end the text. So I was like, but thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism. So I send the text. before I can delete and block him, he texts me back. he goes, hey, I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy that you got sober. you know, I only bought drugs to sell to you because I was worried about you, and I didn't want you to get worse stuff off the street. I know, and I'm breaking up with this guy. so I can't block him now.
I text him back, you know? I go, hey, oh, my god, you sweet man. I said, you only bought drugs to sell to me? he says, yeah. I said, did you sell drugs to other people? he said, no. I said, this is a weird time to ask. but are you a drug dealer? he said, no, I'm a painter. we talked about this. ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I text him. I go, how did it come to be that you sell me drugs? And he wrote back, I don't know. you just kept asking.
I like that story, because there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer. and that is the promise of theirs. life is a lot better and happier now.
I have a 12-week-old son. I'm very excited, yes. he is a pretty cool guy for someone who can't vote. his legs are like little calzones, and I want to eat them. his name is Malcolm. And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm. we were in the delivery room. my girlfriend had just given birth to him. and he's crying a little, So they bring him over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room.
And they put him on the warmer under this big, bright light. And the light is just shining in his eyes. you know, it's really bright. And he's not crying or anything. he just looks up at the light, and this is what he does. he goes. he was annoyed. but he didn't say anything. And I was like, that's my son. a polite man in an uncomfortable situation, but he's not going to make a fuss. And this was a really bright light. I thought it was bright, and I'd seen lights. he'd never seen a light before in his life. To see on a baby's face the expression, jesus with the light, it's very interesting. he's a very good boy. his favorite pacifier just got recalled, though. it's such a bummer. he loved it. So we had like a dozen of them. we still have them in a basket on our counter. and I see this look in his eyes all the time of like, oh, I want to use those, but I can't, because they could kill me.
Welcome to my world, Homie. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. Lcd sound system is here. so stick around, and we'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | big_penis_therapy_snl | Sorry, Robin, but draw four. Oh, man! ha ha ha! sucks to be you! Oh, babe, you're gloating. Oh, you're right. you're right. sorry to get so competitive, guys. it's fine, Glenn. no, it's not fine. it's something I've been working on in therapy. You go to therapy? that's, like, really surprising. Seriously, talk about a complete 180. I know. Remember how cranky he used to be? Uh, that's one way to put it. Yeah, I would've said toxic as a mug. Okay, you got me.
Yeah, But honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to Big Penis Therapy, he's just been so much happier. he's, like, a new person. um, one more time? did you say Big Penis Therapy? Yeah. it's a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad. my insecurities, my rage issues. that just sounds like regular therapy. let's go back to the game. Whose turn is it? See, she's been trying to get me to go to therapy for years, ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe? Yeah, I sure do. therapy just always seems so, I don't know, fruity. But then I heard about Big Penis Therapy for men with big ol'' penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this. Big Penis Therapy just helps to de-stigmatize men working on their mental health. And sure, the guys down at the job razzed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now, they all want therapy, too.
God forgive my pain-es? What's a pain-es? it's a medical term. it means penis that causes great pain.
Well, maybe I should tell my Jake about this. eh, not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies? Actually, he's pretty okay.
Well, unfortunately, it's not pretty okay-sized penis therapy. it's therapy for guys with great big ones, like mine or Shaq's or the guys from Long Naturals Magazine. you know, Gwen, for the record, like penis size really isn't important. please don't say that. it's okay, Honey. it actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would've called you a stuck-up bitch for saying that. but now I won't. hey, Glenn, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify? What do you mean? I'm just saying. how do they know you have a big. they don't have to measure! Honey, relax. it's a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like I do.
Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they're doing, it seems to be working for you. truly, you even look like you've lost some weight. that's all thanks to my Fat Rod Vegan meal plan. You've got him to be vegan, too? Yep. he's also going to Long Dong Church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers. Yeah.
And I also joined an activist group called Three Inch Monster Peckers Against Animal Testing. good, because it looks like you're gonna have to draw four. And that's on top of my draw. Four, So. we're playing Stack, so you have to draw eight, Glenn. Oh, babe. and you only had one left. you almost won.
Stop making fun of me! Big Penis Therapy. It's Therapy. Oh, you're right. you're right. sorry to get so competitive, guys. it's fine, Glenn. no. it's not fine. it's something I've been working on in therapy. You go to therapy? that's, like, really surprising.
Seriously. talk about a complete 180. I know. remember how cranky he used to be? uh, that's one way to put it. Yeah. I would've said toxic as a mug. Okay. you got me.
But honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to Big Penis Therapy, he's just been so much happier. he's, like, a new person. um, one more time. did you say Big Penis Therapy? yeah. it's a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad. my securities, my rage issues. that just sounds like regular therapy. let's go back to the game. Whose turn is it? See, she's been trying to get me to go to therapy for years, ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe? Yeah, I sure do. therapy just always seems so, I don't know, fruity. But then I heard about Big Penis Therapy for men with big ol'' penises like mine. and I thought, maybe I do need this. Big Penis Therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health. And sure, the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first. but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all want therapy, too.
God forgive my pain-es? What's a pain-es? it's a medical term. it means penis that causes great pain.
Well, maybe I should tell my Jake about this. eh, not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies? Actually, he's pretty okay.
Well, unfortunately, it's not pretty okay-sized penis therapy. it's therapy for guys with great big ones, like mine or Shaq's, or the guys from Long Naturals Magazine. you know, Gwen, for the record, penis size really isn't important. please don't say that. it's okay, honey. it actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would've called you a stuck-up bitch for saying that. but now I won't. hey, Glenn, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify? What do you mean? just saying. how do they know you have a big. they don't have to measure! Honey, relax. that's a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like I do.
Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they're doing, it seems to be working for you. truly, you even look like you've lost some weight. Oh, well, that's all thanks to my Fat Rod Vegan meal plan. you got him to be vegan, too? Yep. he's also going to Long Dong Church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers. Yeah.
And I also joined an activist group called Three Inch Monster Peckers Against Animal Testing. good, because it looks like you're gonna have to draw four. And that's on top of my draw four, So. we're playing Stack, so you have to draw eight, Glenn! Aw, babe, and you only had one left. you almost won.
Stop making fun of me! Big penis therapy. it's therapy. |
TheOnion | u_s_shocked_andorra_not_in_africa | The State Department is on the defense in the wake of the emerging controversy over Andorra, which received over $3 billion in U.S. aid money last year. That funding has now been cut off following the revelation this week that Andorra is not a war-torn African region, as previously believed, but in fact is a very wealthy Western European country.
With us now from the State Department is Deputy Secretary Paul Heffron. Mr. Heffron, how did this happen? Well, it was a simple mix-up.
Someone said Andorra was in Africa. It sounded right. We just kept sending them money. I'm looking at a transcript here, and it is a meeting between you and Deputy Secretary of State John Negroponte. Quote, Andorra, where is that? You say it's in, well, of course, it's right by, what's it called again? Negroponte says, is it in Africa? And you say, yes, Africa, exactly.
They're in a really bad situation there in Africa. Yes, it was an honest mistake. I just thought that they're way across the ocean somewhere. Their lives must be very, very difficult. Is there no way to get the money back? Well, we've spoken to the government there, and they told us that they assumed it was a gift and that they're sorry, but the money is already spent.
Apparently, it was very helpful in renovating their ski chalets and some public saunas. Now, Mr. Heffron, I want you to take a look at this map the State Department sent over to us this morning and said this is the one we have been using. Now, clearly, you can see Andorra is not on that map. Yes, well, we thought it was in that blue area there down below Mumbambu, but...
Prime Minister of Andorra Albert Pintat made a public apology at a press conference earlier this morning. Every Andorran will remember your generosity and stupidity each time we ride in the pure gold baskets of our individual hot air balloons. Well, look, I mean, there's probably hundreds of countries in the world, and it's very hard to keep track of these things, very confusing. Who's going to take the blame for this? Well, the Andorra people will take the blame for it.
They know exactly where they are. They should have told us. Mr. Heffron, we are out of time here, but thank you for being with us. |
dropout | the_murder_twins_superheroes_who_take_it_too_far | See you Murder twins, thank you for coming. We came as soon as we saw the murder beacon What baddies should we take down today commish? That's what I wanted to talk to you about murder twins There's been a string of mysterious killings evil or keneval at his brake lines cut traces of cyanide found in the four course men Apocalypse meow dredge from the city reservoir.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh in just the past few weeks Every costume villain in this city has been brutally murdered.
You said it chief You sound proud about that Has it been you guys? Because at first I thought the murder and murder twins was like the fire and firemen like you fight against murder Nope, Jesus Christ. You actually murdered them. You're not superheroes. You're just serial killers No, it's illegal vigilantism dear Lord the only villain you haven't killed yet is dr Brainy. Oh, we're on it. She know I didn't mean No, god damn it, please God have mercy You'll never get away with this oh, but I will Billy Summers boy reporter and you will tell all the world of my terrible deed Not so fast, dr. Brainy Oh How did you get past my army of brainy rights? Let's just say we murdered them. You'll never catch me alive You said it doc by the power of homicide We are the murder twins Looks like our old pal Brainy Oh will be doing life the afterlife You murdered him in cold blood you can say that again Well, I'd say our job here is done what do you say we grab Morton head home say where is our loyal murder mutt anyway Remember kids no matter what great adventure you're headed to when you ride in a car always wear a seat belt You don't jaywalk either |
TheOnion | EDGE_How_The_Israeli_Occupation_Has_Made_It_Impossible_For_Palestinians_To_Score_Drugs | Man, Barcelona to the ground! Spiky as fuck.
Today on Edge, the humanitarian crisis in Palestine, horrifying and somehow getting worse. It's hard for us to imagine what life is like in Israeli occupied territories, your whole world under the complete control of a hostile neighboring state. So we sent Nick Moss to the West Bank for a firsthand look at just how difficult it is for everyday Palestinians in this hopeless situation to score drugs. We just passed from Jerusalem into the West Bank, and you can see all around me what it's like here.
People living under desperate conditions, completely cut off from coke, tranquilizers, even weed. You can tell no one here is high. It sucks. So what is it like living here? So when was the last time you got high?
She didn't even remember. She didn't even fucking remember.
In the town of Hebron, scenes like this one are all too common. Is anyone holding? Do you have cocaine that doesn't suck? Even weed, I'd settle for weed. Why doesn't anyone have access to crank? If the Israelis have it, don't you think the Palestinians should too? Sir, please, this is a humanitarian issue. Shit, shit, shit, shit. It's crazy. Just yesterday in Jerusalem, I went to a nightclub and got fucking stupid on ketamine. But over here, it couldn't be a more different situation. You know?
Hundreds of checkpoints and roadblocks, entire towns under curfew. People denied access to everything from shrooms to speed. No hope for a bump of crystal. In this shop in Nablus, you can't even get the most basic hallucinogens or strains of cannabis.
Shopkeeper Abed El-Hashim told me that's not unusual. So in a good week, how much, say, PCP would you sell? No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to sell. I want to sell alcohol. It's illegal. I want to sell alcohol.
So what does the woman who wanted to get high actually end up doing? Well, NGOs send aid packages like this one. And if you're resourceful, you can get a little buzz on the ibuprofen and the rubbing alcohol. But there's really not much here that's useful. Ooh. This whole time, I've been thinking, if we don't get the Palestinian people the drugs they need to survive, real quality shit fit for humans, it may be too little too late and the Middle East will never ever un-fuck itself. Next time on Edge, the first camel to escape North Korea. Plus, 16 and already addicted to sumo wrestling. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Advice_from_Scotty_Roiting_Racism_05_06_20 | With me in the studio, Clancy Overall. It still feels weird to be back in the office. It's a great day to be a Queenslander, a long weekend at our feet and the most beautiful part of the world to explore. Which is where Wendell Hussey has been this week, if you've been listening to the Daily News Bulletin, you would have noticed the warm twang of Wendell's voice has been absent, because Wendell is currently at the Marlin bar on Lizard Island and we know that because he's just asked for another advance on his pay. Yes, it certainly sounds like he's been having the time of his young life. Yeah, it also sounds like he won't be getting another paycheck until July at this rate.
That's the way the cookie crumbles. Okay, let's kick this thing off.
Starting with our most popular story this week, which again was one of yours Clancy, the headline was, Donnie mate, I'm telling you, Hawaii. Yes, as civil rights protests continue to nearly 80 major cities across the United States, President Trump called the only man that can give him advice on what to do when your country is on fire. Yes, and all of us know the world leading expert on that is our own Prime Minister Scott Morrison. Scotty told Donnie that, and I quote, the best thing you can do right now is park your ass in Waikiki and ride this thing out. Scotty also added that he'd get Jenny to pass on the details of where they stay to Melania. Moving on to our second most popular story of this week.
Funnily enough, also related to the current civil unrest in the United States, rioting is over the top, says man that took an AR-15 to town hall because he wanted a haircut. You know, it's got me fucked why the AR-15 is so popular for these types of fringe dwelling patriots. I mean, in terms of raw stopping power, it'd be wanting something more like an AK-47 or a FN FAL. The Australian Army used a modified version of the FN FAL for decades. That thing could put anything on its ass. Copying a 7.62 millimetre round to the centre mass, I mean, especially if you've crossed the tip of the round, it's good night. But I guess if you're planning to fight room to room, something more portable like an AR-15 might be a better option Clancy. But don't get me wrong, there's certainly positives about the 5.56 millimetre round, but for what those guys are doing, which is trying to take control of a government building, you know, coming from my own experience, I'd be looking to have something with a bit more pizzazz, you know, that's, that's just my opinion.
Yeah, right. Well, um, well, look, if you go back and look at the attached photo on the article, you can see that none of them were carrying a secondary. I mean, there's a bloke there wearing chinos for God's sake. Yeah, so it was a lot of noise for nothing, wasn't it? All because these blokes wanted a haircut when they felt like one. We actually referred to these red caps as being morbidly obese in the article and a number of readers wrote in to say that was offensive.
What do you think, Errol? I don't know.
Well, in terms of that, it is pretty straightforward. I mean, if you put shit in your body, you get shit out of it, you know. Everyone knows that if you're overweight to the point where your hulking mask prevents you from doing things like walking up and down stairs, you are shortening your time on this planet at a rate of knots. I agree. If you're offended by the term morbidly obese, then be sure to tell St. Peter at the front gates and he might let you into the big Krispy Kreme in the sky. Yes, God willing.
What was number three this week, Clancy? Bringing back onshore with this story, America is so racist, says man who still locks the doors driving through Redfern. Our Sydney correspondent came across this story by chance in the line of a cafe down in the Harbour Capital's lower south side over the weekend. This man, Fabian Tobias, I think his name was, he was from the upper west side of Sydney.
I think that's what he said. Either way, he thinks that John Howard was the best prime minister we've ever had. He is one of those types. Ah, yes. I believe the correct term for that is Sydney's inheritance belt, which sits just inside the Bible Belt right near Howard's electorate. Yeah, well, he probably owns four black puffer vests.
Anyway, this bloke explained that the news coming out of America brings him great sorrow, but also gratitude that places like Australia don't have systemic race issues that stem out of colonisation, slavery and genocide. And I wonder why he said in the same breath that he locks the doors whenever he's forced to drive through Redfern. Redfern being a part of Sydney's synonymous with disadvantage and poverty until Bob Carr deported all the poor people from the area before the Olympics. Many people who commented on that article said that Redfern isn't very dangerous anymore, but people such as Fabian, who only liked John Howard because their fathers liked him, still have issues separating the new Redfern from the Fern Delarouge of old. Anyway, long story short, Fabian locks the doors because he doesn't feel safe in Redfern. He doesn't feel safe in Redfern because of problems in our malignant society that stem from colonising and systemic disadvantage, I think is what he was trying to say.
Either way, he's a bit jumpy. Either way, it's much easier for the Fabians of the world to just lock the doors and only open them for a $20 loaf of sourdough. Just keep the blinkers on Fabian, it'll solve everything. And we just about have time for one more story, and this one just up the road from where our last story took place.
New South Wales cops defend officer behaving in a way that could get an entire city's nightlife precinct shut down. Another day, another fuck up from the New South Wales police force. Yes, if you saw the news, a policeman from the Surrey Hills area leg swept a 17 year old Aboriginal boy during an arrest that was caught on camera. It was a bit heavy handed in my opinion. The cop who looked like fucking RoboCop with all the shit hanging off him has flat out thrown this kid on the ground face first and put a set of cuffs on him. Yeah, the 17 year old did tell the cop he was going to put one on his chin, which is illegal.
But fuck me, the kid would have been lucky to be 60 kilos. Fucking Huey Bowman rides with more that these days. 60 kilos if wet.
Which begs the question, if a private citizen acted in that way, would the New South Wales government respond by shutting down the entire nightlife economy? Oh, they certainly have a track record, don't they? So the New South Wales police union have come out and said that the force has thrown this officer to the wolves by putting him on death duties while they investigate what happened. Yeah, a lot like that lion down on the New South Wales south coast that mauled the zookeeper the other day. I mean, they're not going to put that thing down until they've done a full investigation. I can see the parallels there. Action must be taken against these lions, be they two legged or four legged lions. We should probably leave it there then because we don't want another visit from the police over something we've done or said next time we make our way down to the stake and kidney.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Well, thank you once again for tuning into the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. Our interview podcast this week is out Monday and it is with one of the titans of rock and roll and not one from just this pissy little continent, but a world famous titan of rock and roll. My name is Errol Parker. Choccyolara. That should give you a hint as to who we have on next week. And I'm Clancy Overall, be kind to each other. |
cracked | 5_shady_tactics_reality_shows_use_to_trick_you_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and unless you time-traveled here from the 90s you probably realized that reality shows aren't actually Realistic like some sort of David Attenborough nature special about people with personality disorders But it turns out even if you know, they're full of most popular reality shows are so completely fabricated staged and manipulated They're more like well actual David Attenborough nature specials For instance, you probably know that survivor isn't totally authentic since nobody's ever starved to death But probably didn't realize they've used body doubles to reenact some of the challenges Unfortunately, a lot of the lies make reality stars and contestants look like some of the worst people on earth when they're just regular bad people But producers have to juice up the proceedings because they know we don't watch these shows to see which vaguely famous person can revive their Career through the magic of ballroom dance watch them to see metaphorical car crashes Ideally, they'd be literal car crashes But the voice doesn't have the balls to answer my emails a lot of it boils down to getting teenagers drunk and just setting them Loose on each other. There are some cunningly cynical tricks producers on many shows used to tell the story They want instead of you know, what actually happened tricks like this I don't have to tell you that shows like Amish mafia and lizard lick towing consists almost entirely of stage setups And amateur act. Oh, yeah, you don't put your hands on her Snopes calm has been annoyed enough by Amish mafia that just generally declare the entire show false But because of their emphasis on humility the Amish won't appear in the media to call bullshit and the discovery channel uses their silence to Invent bizarre stories about their culture that make them look like idiots that predatory model of preying on the voiceless is sort of a microcosm Of how reality TV works and sometimes even seemingly straightforward shows like last comic standing and American Idol will use Dishonest editing and staged footage to make an unsuspecting participant seem like an idiot long after their involvement with the show is over And they can do anything about it Take Jessica Whiteley of American Idol who had gone through a series of auditions before she made it onto your TV now That's worth noting actually before anyone on American Idol ever made it to your TV They'd been through multiple auditions that weren't even filmed every single person you see even the ones you see in the early parade of freaks Rounds have been handpicked by producers to appear on television in front of Simon and Steven and J. Lo So you'd think the judges would have their shit together enough to be prepared for whatever fully pre-configured cluster He's walking through that door and served up to them on a take but either because they don't have the balls or a single To give judges apparently won't turn on a performer until well after they've left the room that reaction didn't even happen during your audition We have that we're gonna show his reaction right now. So take a listen After Whiteley made it through several rounds of vetting by local judges She found herself in front of the real judges where she finally choked on her performance In this song In this song In this song Which is sad Now admittedly that is not a great audition as this clip shows she's actually an okay singer So she probably just got nervous or something, but at the risk you take appearing on American Idol It's not like they manipulated her vocals to make them sound like shit They just let her sing four times and only showed the one where she sounded like shit But here's how national TV audiences saw the judges respond to her performance Baby, this is not your vibe. This is not your groove right here. I don't know. You got the ball I got the shot you go and you shoot and it's just not quite going through the net Can I sing you another song? Do people say that you can sing that you Which must have come as somewhat of a surprise to her when she watched on TV because that's not what actually happened in the room No, they weren't Stephen Tyler never said the basketball analogy here The celebrity judges were apparently nothing but polite during taping and even allowed her to sing a second song Yes, actually they did they didn't really show that on TV And when they didn't have enough comic relief for the episode They apparently went back and edited it to look like Randy was coming up with those sick burns off the dome They could change your voice. They can change your the video, you know They can do whatever they want with you a staggeringly cynical as that is the most shocking Implication of that revelation is that Tyler's answer isn't the ramblings of an aging rock star fumbling for eloquence after years of prolonged drug abuse someone wrote that Last comic standing did a similar thing with this bit by up-and-coming Professional comedian Ben Cromberg for his first joke He gets up on stage a message with his phone for 10 to 15 seconds until the audience is at their breaking point of what Is going on in this and then says what?
Like you guys start working right when you get to your jobs You open to his Comedy Central half-hour with that joke and it killed seriously When he did it on last comic standing it earned him an applause break, but when the show actually aired it seemed to bomb. I Think you wasted a lot of time up there What did you say Feel like you were really respecting the people in front of you. You didn't respect your audience. Did you guys feel that? Do you feel okay with Roseanne speaking for you? See they couldn't just show the joke succeed because TV needs conflict So the show used editing to make it look like the audience cheered Roseanne for saying he wasted the audience's time and then cheered Even louder when Cromberg asked the crowd if that's how they felt Actually happened was Cromberg asked them if they liked the joke and the audience cheered Is that what you expect me to believe at least live reality contests like last comic standing have to use the raw material of genuine In-room reactions of an audience filled with real people Unfortunately those audiences are coached and paid to say exactly and do exactly what producers want them to I guess Biologically speaking some of those people are real But even the non animatronic audience members are met with applause signs and some poor Bastard whose entire job is to jump around and amp them up like his life depends on it How else do you find an audience member this excited about? Anything there's literally nothing that should elicit that reaction we actually landed on the moon and elected the first black president and No one had that reaction to either of those huge things because that's not a reaction that a human being would ever have Anyways, America's got talent producers and crew members tell the audience when to boo a performance including paid plants to lead the booze Or Cheers as instructed people are also encouraged to follow suit if they see others giving the X gesture Which looks like they're saluting the Emperor and some sci-fi dystopia But actually means they want the judges to cruelly eliminate the performer They reportedly begged one circus act to appear on the show for seven years only to lead the crowd and booing them offstage I know a show starring Howard Stern brought people in just to publicly humiliate them It was a disaster of unbelievable proportions And yet the only person I can work up any anger towards is this f***ing guy Let's briefly move on from how reality shows trick you the audience and pivot to how reality shows work to trick the participants themselves Things more heartwarming than seeing people in need have all their dreams come true on TV Unfortunately a lot of the time once the cameras went away So would the dream for instance things got a lot less sweet for the people who got free cars from Oprah and free homes from extreme Makeover home edition when the cameras left and the reality set in that they were on the hook for Thousands of dollars and utilities and taxes This was especially problematic since to qualify for either of those acts of charity You had to be too poor to afford the things they were giving you in the first place Maybe the most blatant bait-and-switch was on the apprentice where a bunch of attractive Businessy types vied for the chance to hear Donald Trump say you're hired Killer Trump winners were promised the prize of a top corporate position in Trump's company This is the chance to work for me at a huge salary. This is going to be the dream job of a lifetime These are people who probably had other job prospects They turned down to participate in the show in the first place some have their PhD or a Harvard MBA They own restaurants where they're one of the top real estate professionals in the country and a few have left their successful small-town Companies to come to New York City for the very first time But the ones who actually won say their jobs consisted of being a spokesperson for the Trump brand So basically appearing on z103's morning asylum to tell James the pig Ramstein and his sidekick slim fast about how Trump bottled water Changes the wetness game that is apprentice season 1 winner Bill Rancic wondering if that's enough water to drown When he was feeling more candid Trump said it's a little bit too much to ask someone to be the president of an 800 million dollar Building when they haven't had that kind of experience which makes sense except that's the entire premise of the show I'd be like American Idol saying there's a bunch of professional singers out there Why should we give a record deal to this random amateur for singing?
Well a few weeks in a row You're a wise guy, you know that statement. I was just asking if you know, it was a dumb statement Yeah, no, but you are a wise guy.
There's no question about it If you're the kind of trusting soul who thinks turning over one of your most valuable possessions and main form of Transportation to a show whose name references the sexual exploitation of women is a good idea You probably deserve what you get and what you usually got was an expensive paperweight since pimp my ride Consistently turned out vehicles that were actually unrideable Which is to say nothing of how uncompromisingly deep pimped they were amazingly adding a pool table Arcade game or even a washing machine doesn't actually improve the performance on a 15 year old Volvo even worse were the additions that it first Seemed nice, but the more you think about them the stupider they become we got your car The back seat was all tore up. We just got rid of it. We hooked you up with a 15-inch monitor You can watch what's going on in the back Sure, you could just replace those seats allowing you to drive friends around in your car But now you have a huge stereo and a TV that you have to bring your neck backwards to actually look at a lot of the New features in pimped cars function just enough to look cool exactly once for the camera somewhere legitimately dangerous like LED lights That got unbearably hot if left on too long or at all one guy had to spend 1700 of his own dollars to pay to have his car fixed after it's pimping because the extra weight of the new features damage the wheels Suspension and engine. Oh and remember those shots that made it look like the car was being transformed in a single day That was a slight exaggeration people who got on the show were without their cars for six fucking months Show didn't even help them pay for a rental car But it was all worth it because when it was finally done you had a car that was almost definitely harder to drive got Pulled over by the cops more often and let's not forget was God awful looking That's assuming you even got to keep the additions according to the participants a lot of the time stuff was removed as soon as the camera Stopped rolling one of the producers said that sometimes we did things for your safety reasons that kids on the show interpreted as us taking away Some items maybe that's because you installed things told them on camera They were theirs and then literally took them away But when every other manipulation just won't hack it reality shows remove any room for error by also removing any And all reality from their reality show by straight up having amateur actors improvised contrived setups up top We talked about shows like Amish mafia and lizard lick towing urban Tarzan would be another good example as would duck dynasty Here's what that family looked like before their reality show But it makes sense that such insanely over-the-top shows will require such extreme measure But you wouldn't expect shows with much lamer premises to be completely staged shows like say house hunters house hunters If you've never flipped past each TV at any second of any day follows a person couple or family on their search for a new home That's something that happens every day in every city in every country on the planet And yet the show is entirely fake not as in the producers pull a few strings to heighten the stakes as in the Producers make the people on the show fake everything and then send them the videotapes. Well, it's not like they don't have rules They're not lazy For instance house hunters actually rejects contestants who are genuinely in need of a new house They only build episodes around people who've already bought one then it's the participants job to find the other two houses They're considering now because most of us don't have three houses that are immediate disposal in case We one day end up on a totally fictional show passing itself off as real life The unchosen houses usually just belong to neighbors or relatives crazy enough to move all their belongings out of their home So their friends can pretend to consider moving into them and since these are the houses They don't end up moving into that involves contestants all over their friends homes on cable television.
So pretty I just hate the color It's a gross color. You're a gross color.
I hate the bland brick color I really feel we're gonna have trouble matching accessories for the house to this color The producer is finally admitted to all this in 2012 But they swear the show still has value got to take such incredible balls to use the phrase authentic emotion when describing your show which pays people who have never acted before $500 to pretend they're trying to decide whether to buy two friends houses or the one they already bought Let's see what five hundred dollars worth of amateur acting buys these days Overwhelming, you know, like I'm getting a headache. I can't even decide just so stuck on the log cabin You know, I kind of knew you would be I know it's an emotional thing for you Yes, I'm willing to compromise and that is the right house and I'm willing to go slow at the changes that I want to make Hey guys, thanks for watching that if you know about other reality show tricks of the trade, please share them in the comments like and subscribe if you liked that video and That's it today. Her agent Amy is showing them a historic home in the heart of Beaver the Beaver Market right now There's multiple showings and sometimes even multiple offers |
cracked | why_dating_website_employees_are_terrible_matchmakers_rom_com | So, pretty bad date, huh? We haven't even ordered drinks yet. You didn't even give him a chance.
I completely did. Lots of one. Josie says you're just starting Breaking Bad. Yeah. Yes, I am. Huh?
Good show. I like it. Me too. It's really good.
Sounds like a real disaster. Oh, I would have welcomed a disaster. At least then I'd have a story.
So, do you have any siblings? I do.
Neat information. But he's such a nice guy. You two have so much in common.
I thought I alley-ooped this one real good. In what sense would you have alley-ooped someone? I did a sports thing at it. I did a nice job.
You know what I mean. Nah. Well, some people need time to open up, and I will be darned tootin' if I'm gonna let you write off Alex just based off. So, you're gay. We are literally on a date. There wasn't a question mark at the end of that sentence. I'm saying you are gay, as in, so am I. That's why Josie set us up. It's a thing that we both have. Yes. Happens all the time, you know.
If a straight person's gonna set up another straight person, it's like, who shares their interests? Who would be a good fit? Who would make them laugh? But if they're setting up a gay person... What other gay person do I know?
Tale as old as time.
Ugh. I hate that movie. Ugh!
Why? I appreciate it, but please, don't set me up with anyone else ever again. Because you are not good at it. Um, excuse my tootin'?
Don't get me wrong, we had all kinds of sex. The good kind, the weird kind, the... We did it sideways, but we just weren't a good fit.
Because you're not good at knowing why two people would want to date each other. Which I wouldn't read too much into if I were you. Though, I'm sure you're still competent as a woman who works at a dating website. You just don't understand that much about your close friend, or dating, or love.
Bye!
I'll show you, Max. I'll show every Max. I really want to help you help Max.
Yes, good. So... I'm so paralyzed with joy that you're talking to me like a peer that I can't think of or do anything else. Do you like music?
You're a nightmare.
At least, I need to talk to you about Max. Red hair safe from a witch, black cat, pussycat, Josie Josie. What can I do for you? I need your help finding a really great date for Max. You were wise to come to me. Who is Max? Tal has had many conversations with you.
Is this a power play? We've all worked here for years. I think I'd remember that. Because I do. Yes, it was a power play. Now, hand me your sweater.
It's stained, but it's clean. I clean it.
I know who Max is, Jorine, but I couldn't set him up because I don't know anything about him. In the same way that I know who Huey, Dewey, and Lewis are, but I couldn't tell you which goose was the funny one and which was the brainiac.
Actually, the ducks are each all of those things. They had no distinguishable personalities, and their shirt colors would change depending on the artist. There was even a fourth duck named Fooey, who would appear based on which artist was drawing them at the time.
Anyway, it doesn't seem like you were hinting you wanted to know more about Huey, Dewey, and Lewis, but if you do, because of all the cool things I just said, then I am available for chats. We can call him quack chats. We can not call him quack chats. We can not call him anything at all if you're feeling sour, but just know I am available for that.
I'm sorry, Josie. I can't help you.
I only know one useful fact about Max, and I'm saving it, in case I have to destroy him to end a procedure for all of my employees. Watch. This is how I walk away.
Hello, Josie. I kind of want to give her my sweater. Is that weird?
What are you guys up to tonight? I was going to sit for a while. Do either of you know any cute dudes who also like to sit for a while? Tonight. Tonight, I am going to find you a date.
I would love it if you didn't. Oh, you'll love, all right. You're going to love this next guy straight to the wedding party.
Once again, please don't, because you're bad at it. Bad!
Secret truth! You know, you could just set him up with Rush. Max hates Rush, because Max is in a special group called Everybody. I don't know. Rush has a blind enthusiasm that I think would bounce well with Max's temperate pragmatism.
Well, that's actually true, you butthole. Sorry. Me jerk. It's fine. I have to say, I'm a little surprised.
This was a great idea. I know. I'm a pretty great idea. I mean, I have the pretty ideas. Yes, you're pretty great. Thank you.
So where are you breaking meth? Oh my God, yes. Just started season two. Amazing. Have you eaten meth?
You didn't fill up on meth before this, right? Oh no, definitely not.
Love is in the air. That's true. Why are we in the after-hours diner? Holy shit! Right? |
ClickHole | can_t_go_on_reddit_at_work_this_man_checks_it_out_for_you | Hey there, let's see what's on reddit.com today. Lots of great new links on the front page. So the first news story up here is about Russia giving missiles to Syria, and that's probably a really interesting article and it's good to keep up with what's going on in the world. So let's check out the comments. The top post is from Dastardly Genitals, and he wrote Everyone is trying to bring peace to Syria by mailing them bombs. Well done Einsteins. That post got 250 upvotes and reddit gold, so not bad.
Next we have a good guy Greg meme labeled my brother-in-law. The caption is Babysitter canceled at the last minute. Brother-in-law volunteers to drive two hours to watch her kids for date night. That's a nice story. This brother-in-law sounds like a really decent person.
Oh, okay cool. We got two questions here from Ask Reddit, and the first is what's the worst boss you've ever had? And the second is what's an invention that doesn't exist, but should? Okay, tough choice. I'm going to open this one about inventions because I have a good idea for a comment. A post-it note that's sticky on both ends, so the bottom can't flap up. Great. I'm gonna let that one sit and see if it gets me any upvotes. Bet it will.
In the meantime let's go back to the front page and see what else is there. Oh, okay, looks like Tom Hardy is doing an AMA. It's probably too late to ask him any questions, but I'm sure there are some really good answers in there already.
Okay, oh, here's a photo titled incredible northern light show over Finland. Oh, yeah, okay. This is really nice. There's a big wavy green glowy light in the sky, and you can see some pine trees and snow. This would be a really good photo for a computer background. Okay, oh.
Well, there's a video with an NSFL tag, pedestrian versus truck. It looks like Russian dash cam footage. I don't think I'm gonna click on that. It would probably be pretty sad to watch.
Okay. At the bottom, there's a link to the woodworking subreddit from a guy who made a mahogany table from scratch. Okay, it looks like it leads to an imager gallery, shows every step of the process. Yeah, well, this is pretty interesting even if you aren't into carpentry, so. Okay, well, that's pretty much all the highlights on the front page. There are some other links too, but nothing that seemed that interesting, so hope that was useful, and I hope you have a great rest of your day at work. |
TheOnion | NRA_Fights_Legislation_That_Would_Ban_Gun_Sales_To_Those_Currently_On_Killing_Sprees | Vice President Biden's Committee on Gun Violence has recommended to Congress that they ban the sale of guns to anyone currently on a shooting spree. The ban, which would make it more difficult for individuals in the process of shooting other individuals to purchase additional assault rifles, was met with fierce opposition from gun rights advocates. In a press release today, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said, "...what if you're in the middle of shooting your family and then a criminal breaks into your house? This law says you can't get ammunition to defend your home." Many gun owners agree with the NRA's position. What do they mean by spree, exactly? If I kill one person a year for 20 years, for example, are they saying I can't buy a gun that whole time?
Look, I'm a sportsman. Well, let's say I'm shooting up a mall or movie theater and I want to take a moment to shoot some deer. That's my ride.
And now, Vice President Biden insists that no one is talking about a widespread ban, only background checks on blood-soaked maniacs who are currently killing people. But LaPierre maintains more guns aren't the problem, they are the solution. The only way to stop a bad guy on a killing spree is a good guy on a killing spree. |
wearethesundayblues | hippo_predicts_breaking_bad_finale | Hey man, what you watching? Breaking Bad. Dude, that is the best show ever. How awesome is that scene with Walt and Hank in the garage, and Hank closes the garage door. And then he punches Walt.
And then Hank is all, I don't even know who I'm talking to. And then Walt's like, well, if that's the case, then my best suggestion is that you tread lightly. And stuff. And then Hank is all, what? Dude, I'm not that far yet. I've only just started watching season 1. Okay, okay.
Well, what about that scene when Jesse and Walt are in the desert? And then Jesse's all like, yo, Mr. White, the RV's broke, bitch. And then Walt's like, OMG, Jesse.
Apply yourself. Hmm, I don't think that's exactly what happened. Ah, close enough.
Anyways, I've seen the last episode, you know. Dude, there's no way you've seen the final episode. It's only out in like a week and a half's time.
Yeah, it's true. I got it off the Pirate Boy. Is that a website? No, it's just this boy down the road. Has a hook for a hand.
So anyways, it goes down like this. And then Walt's standing in the driveway looking all hobo and stuff. And then he looks over and he's like, hello Carol. And then Carol like drops a bag of goodies. And then Jesse arrives and he's got another gas cylinder.
And he's like, Mr. White, I'm gonna burn this house down for real this time! You should never have given Brock that ricin! Never! And then Walt's like, Jesse, just cool those sweet buns of yours. Look, here's the ricin. I didn't give Brock the ricin.
I gave him a plant. A plant, Jesse.
What? Oh! No! That's so funny!
All this time I thought I was the ricin! Oh, Mr. White, I'm sorry for trying to burn your house down!
And then Walt's like, it's all good, man. Did I hear somebody say Saul Goodman? Hey! Look at this touching moment! And then Walt's like, Saul, what are you doing here? And then Saul Goodman's all like, hey, I'm on a date with Carol. I came to pick her up. She's been through a messy divorce. Be with you now, honey! And then suddenly, Junior arrives and he's all like, Dad, what are you doing back here? You left! And then Walt's like, listen Junior, I've got some explaining to do.
Let me buy you breakfast. Okay. Not so fast, dickweed. Uncle Hank? You, you... You're damn right I am. I'm a zombie. I've got some unfinished business to take care of. Walt, you bastard! I'm taking you down. You're going to pay for what you've done.
And then Walt's like, whoa, whoa, Hank, listen, it's not what you think, okay? Take a look at this product and try it. And then Hank's like, well, well, I guess I'm already dead.
Hey, it's Pop Rocks! Damn tasty Pop Rocks! And then Walt's like, you see, all this time, just been making some tasty ass Pop Rocks.
And then Hank says, but, well, why are all those kids smoking it? And then Walt's like, beats me. Kids these days. Well, I guess you're off the hook, Walt. And then Saul's like, well, I better not keep Carol waiting.
Enjoy the family reunion. Walt, send my regards to that dame, what's her name, Skyler. Where is she anyway? Oh, I killed her for being so annoying. Thanks, dude.
There's no point in me watching this show now. You've completely ruined it. Any other spoilers you want to get out of your system?
Have you seen The Walking Dead? Not yet. We're all infected. |
dropout | the_same_love_story_old_people_vs_young_people | Have I ever told you the story about how I met your grandfather? He was a charmer. I was at the park one day when this man walked up that I'd never met and said, I've been staring at you for the last hour. You're all I can think about. Oh, my heart was a flutter. This guy was just staring at me, then he walks up and essentially says he's obsessed with me.
I took him for a playboy, so I declined, of course, but your grandfather was persistent. He wouldn't take no for an answer. I told him flat out I wasn't interested, but he wouldn't take a hint.
He sent two dozen roses to my office. I show up to work and there are two fucking bushels of roses on my desk. My coworkers thought my mom died.
He finally won me over and I agreed to go out with him that night. I said I would have one drink with him in a public place. When he pulled up at my house, he looked at me and smiled and I said, well, why are you so happy? And he said, because I have a date with the girl that I'm going to marry.
Yeah, he fucking said that. We went dancing and when this other boy tried to cut in, what? Your grandfather socked him right in the jaw. He punched Mike. We were just dancing.
I still have the necklace he gave me that night. It was a family heirloom. He asked me to wear his mother's pearls. After our date, he wrote me the most beautiful love letter with his most intimate feelings. I feel like I've known you my entire life, again, after hanging out once.
Of course, my father didn't approve, so he'd sneak up the rain pipe and climb in my window. This fucking psycho shows up to my apartment at 2 a.m. without so much as a text. I called the cops and I didn't put down the kitchen knife until they showed up.
From then on, we were inseparable. We were married for 50 wonderful years. I bought a handgun, moved to a new borough, and legally changed my name. I still think about him every day. |
dropout | if_google_was_a_guy | Butthole. Gross fat butthole dick poof.
Is that what kids are into these days? Are your parents home? Miss Pippi. You mean Mississippi? Hey, I'm not a dictionary. My grandson Nathan. Song that goes. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Girls college. College girls. Nude. Really?
Patrick Castles. Pat Castles. Pat Castle's funny.
Hedgehog cute. Do you mean hedgehog? Hedgehog cute. Do you mean hedgehog? Hedgehog's cute.
Download Firefox. Ever heard of Chrome? How to buy Bitcoin.
Titanic drawing. Titanic movie drawing. Titanic movie drawing scene. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Thursday_2nd_April | Starting off with national news today, and the federal government has announced a huge stimulus package for the floundering influencer industry. Speaking this morning, the prime minister said he's acutely aware of the effect isolation has had on the nation's influencers and their ability to publish bikini-clad photos promoting sponsored products in a different location every day. So after announcing that the government would be ensuring free childcare for the next six months for those who need it, Scotty from marketing then revealed that treasuries also peeled off $10 billion to ensure that our nation's softcore porn stars can keep living their lavish lifestyles. He explained that measures like sterile social distancing compliant new man-made beaches and waterfalls will be constructed and a minimum sponsorship rate will be guaranteed for the entirety of the influencer industry. It's believed the huge cash injection will not only have a positive benefit for influencers, but will also have a significant impact upon the nation's tradesmen and homebound high school males.
Moving on to other national news now and it's been confirmed that the nation could really use some on-demand streaming of seasons 3 to 13 of The Simpsons right now. The Simpsons or simply Simpsons as they're known in Australia is widely considered to be the pinnacle of light entertainment TV viewing and a report released today has confirmed that it could really come in handy for the majority of the nation who are cooped up at home right now. As a result, Australians are today demanding that the show enjoyed by almost everyone except baby boomers and kids with Christian parents is sold by the Murdoch family back to channel 10 or even to stand on Netflix to stream around Australia. And it's worth noting that the report mentioned that the unrefined seasons 1 to 3 when they all had weird voices are not necessarily important and neither are the Family Guy style episodes that began to roll out from about season 13 onwards.
Back home in town now and it's been revealed that one man's purple haired auntie hasn't posted any anti-vaxxer memes for a while. The local nephew confirmed to The Advocate today that as Facebook fills up with coronavirus memes and scary graphs, one thing's been conspicuously absent, anti-vaxxer memes from that auntie that sometimes shows up at his family barbecues trying to talk about stupid shit like chemtrails and the high-speed rail bushfire conspiracy. Speaking to us earlier, the local man named Boris or Sheep as he's known by his auntie, explained that while everything's pretty shit right now, he's kind of relieved he hasn't had to see anything about mercury in vaccines and Big Pharma manipulating the government lately. He told us he sure should be back but he's just enjoying the brief respite for now. Next up and into some other older family member-related news, a local dad has discovered this new website that's like Google but for videos. Yes, according to his kids, the old man has discovered the thing called YouTube while cooped up with very little to do. The modern-day early adopter stumbled across the incredible platform last night after mowing the lawn for the third time this week. In awe and very excited at what the prospect of endless videos on demand holds, the man named Graham apparently spent the rest of the evening immersed in the famous Queensland state of origin win streak.
And why wouldn't you I guess? Pivoting from a sporting triumph to a sporting tragedy for our last story of the day and a struggling News Corp rugby league journalist has penned a piece criticizing Latrell Mitchell for sitting out round three. With content extremely sparse and the Murdoch mastheads and digital publications spurting listicles and novelty articles out left, right and center, the old journo named Ray Kent has decided to stick to what he knows best, attacking proud young men with a bit of personality. Following his tried and tested formula, Kent has gone all in on Latrell for going home to Taree. Despite the fact that NRL's called off and all the players have been banned from training as a group in line with social distancing measures. He told us he doesn't give a shit if the season's off, he'll be peddling the narrative that Latrell's not fully committed in an effort to try and make a story out of nothing in these uncertain times. What a sad state of affairs. Anyway, that's the end of the news wrap for today. Thanks for joining us and make sure to subscribe to the new Daily Bulletin podcast feed if you haven't done so already. The Weekly Bulletin's out tomorrow so tune in to that one, but until then stay safe, stay at home and I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye. |
dropout | americans_eat_japanese_toys_for_the_first_time | Alright, let's do this, yo. I'm excited about this. This is gonna be tight!
Oh, no. I'm from Oklahoma. We don't need stuff like this there.
What even is this? You know what? I've actually seen one of these before.
Uh, I don't want to be rude, but this doesn't look edible. See, but I'm really afraid of trying new things. It's intense, but like, in a good way, you know? Oh, it tastes like a cross between spaghetti and the devil.
Dude, I don't know. I loved it. What is it? Is it?
Oh, yeah.
Flavortown. Tastes like a cross between plastic and the devil. I mean, I just feel like this whole setup is just to make me feel uncomfortable so that people can just laugh at me doing something that I don't want to do. I can't put ketchup on this or put it on a biscuit.
Oh, my God. I ate the whole thing. Did you guys have one for anyone else? Hey! What even is that? I only understand things I grew up with. That's the gravy.
Guys, I'm sorry. I actually don't feel that good after the last one. It tastes like a cross between stale potato chips and the devil. Yo, bro, something's wrong with me for real. Oh, God, the cat and the Nintendo are combining inside of me and sucking up the juices.
How many of these fucking videos are we gonna pump out? Somebody's gotta have an idea around here. I mean, we're just basically playing cultural mad libs at this point.
Why even is that? What even is that? There's so much intestinal pressure. You're fucking kidding me. It tastes like a cross between little pieces of my own tongue and the devil. What even is that? It's tearing me apart from the inside!
The people are voyeuristic monsters. Strange, strange, strange.
If this is really what you want, this genuinely is what you fucking want. I will eat one. Look at this. Mmm, delicious. It's kinda good. Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. What was that, man? |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_roy_rules_saturday_night_live | Did you know there's over a billion people in the world? there's over a million in New York alone.
But the only one I'm into is my brother-in-law, Roy! Roy Rules! He's married to my sister. he wakes up in the morning, watches Dora with my niece, and then backs on bananas. Roy Rules! He works out in the morning. he runs in the park, and he does a bunch of crunches, so he's got a killer body. I'm so glad my sister married Roy. he gets along great with the whole family. he's hard-working and great with kids. Oh, and also, I want to have sex with Roy! Roy Rules! I'd really like to taste him. we'll take off a pants and rail on each other, burn his marriage license in a waistband. Don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in Roy sexually. he's my sister's husband. Still, though, if me and Roy did hook up, it would be a 24-7-69. Roy Rules!
He works in an office. I've got this theory. he was put on earth by God to give me succulent rubdowns.
Roy, won't you come with me? Roy rules!
He loves wearing t-shirts, but in my dreams he's dressed like a pirate and my Dong is his peg leg.
So I think you see where I'm coming from. Oh, and Roy, next time I see you, don't be all weird about this. you knew what you were getting into. Peace! |
TheOnion | NHL_Woos_Fans_By_Increasing_Scoring_With_Bigger_Nets_3_Point_Line | Earlier today, the NHL announced it will be implementing several rule modifications aimed at increasing scoring and attracting more fans. Starting next season, NHL games will feature larger nets, full-body tackling, and a pre-game coin toss to decide who kicks off. Is this enough to bring the fans back to the game?
Grab your towel and flip-flops because we're answering that question in the steam room. All right, I'm Tim Devanen here with senior LSN analyst Steve Meister, also known as the Steve Meister. Steve, you're in the steam room. It's time to cut through the bowl and get lost in the steam.
Are you ready? I'm ready, Tim. Then let's crank up the heat.
Do you think the new nets the NHL is introducing next year will translate into more goal scoring? Absolutely. Bigger nets combined with the NHL's decision to get rid of the goalie position put an end to those one-nothing snooze fests. Not to mention the newly added three-point line. Definitely, definitely. Sidney Crosby could score four or five hundred goals this year easy. What about the NHL's decision to eliminate hockey sticks? How will that affect the game? Won't change a thing. It'll be exactly the same, except instead of the players passing the puck with a stick, they'll be throwing the puck in with their hands. It's just going to make scoring a lot easier. Right. Especially with the new, more aerodynamic puck series. Oh, you bet. Just grab the puck, get behind the blocker, and stuff that thing through the goal zone just like Gretzky used to do. The great one. Now, whenever the NHL makes these little tweaks, hockey purists get all bent out of shape and they think that it dilutes the game.
They have a point. There's going to be some naysayers, but hockey's never been about the body checks, the ice, or the skating. It's about 11 guys working together towards a common purpose. Well, I can't argue with you there.
It's time for the final sweat. Humidity's going up to 150. Are you ready for the heat? Bring it on. Here it comes.
Who benefits most from the rule changes? The fans. Talk to me.
No more low-scoring games, cold arenas, or skating. Just good old-fashioned dunks, 10-car pile-ups, and home runs, which is what goals will be known as.
Steve Meister, you've survived the steam room once again. Go cool yourself off. I am soaked with sweat.
Up next, Joe Torre denies benching Matt Kemp has anything to do with his fantasy league. Stick around. |
dropout | if_people_acted_like_they_do_on_dating_apps_hardly_working | Hi. What is it? What's with the winking? Okay, I don't get this.
Hey, have a good weekend? Oh yeah, it was great. How about you? Did you have a good weekend?
Did I do something wrong? You're gone? What happened?
So then we went ice skating, which was so much fun. For everybody besides me, I fell and kneaded ten stitches.
Oh, yeah, that sucks. See you later. Okay, bye.
Wanna fuck? What? No! Who are you? I'm gonna go to Dave and Buster's tonight. Oh yeah, that sounds fun. Actually, I'm not into it. What?
You just asked me. Sorry, you're just too needy. You asked me!
Me! Wanna work on our presentation at two? Yeah. Um, I should tell you that I'm working on a few projects with other co-workers too. Yeah, that's fine. I am too. What?
Ew. I do not like co-workers that get around. But you're working with other people too. Sorry, I don't think this is gonna work out. You blocked me?
So the character is a 7th level wizard, 3rd level sorcerer with 10 levels of ultimate magus. But remember, they're a gnome, so they're actually treated as being one level higher in terms of sorcerers.
Bring me a new friend. Okay, so I went to Sephora and I asked them, do you have this color?
And they were like no, and I was like what? And they were like, uh, and I was like, what? And they were like, uh...
What? What is it? Fucking bitch. What?
Dick pic here. Enjoy. Hey, Ralph. Good morning, buddy. Have a picture of my dick. There you go.
I don't want this. Oh, I don't care.
I just like giving them out. Dick pic? Who wants one? I have plenty. Dick pic? As you can see, if everyone meets their first quarter goals, then we'll all get bonuses.
Wait, where'd everyone go? Sorry. Yeah, we all got updated to a special secret version of life for famous slash hot people. So what? I'm just supposed to hang out here by myself? I'll see you in a second. Oh no, I can fix that. Yeah, here's a bunch of bots. I'm lonely.
Be my friend. Follow me. Send money. Get outta here, or what? Be my friend. Follow me. Send money. Bye. |
cracked | sneaky_ways_companies_fuel_subscription_addiction_cracked_explains | And unfortunately, the litany of subscription services today are simply standing ready to collect their bones. Recurring deliveries of products has been a well-known retail model for centuries. From old books of the 1600s to the humble milkman leaving a cool bottle of cow sauce at your doorstep, customers have come to rely on regular replenishments of toilet paper, vintage pencils, rat toys, foreign candy, grass-fed butter, doomsday prep, and self-care packages that remind you that you're destined to be alone forever. This entire so-called subscription economy has become a huge industry in and of itself, estimated to hit $1.5 trillion by 2025 or 36 convenient monthly installments of $41.6 billion. And if you're anything like me, an F-list dollar store Pete Holmes knockoff, you're probably wondering how your life became inundated with tons of unnecessary subscriptions that maybe provided you some sort of value a long time ago but have since long exhausted their usefulness and relevance. That reminds me, please subscribe to our YouTube channel and hit the bell for notifications. Subscriptions are broadly popular with people under the age of, the talking heads are the greatest band of all time. The dorks at Accenture have found that over 70% of Gen Z shoppers are keenly interested in things like fashion subscriptions and automatic product replenishments, the only lens through which the jinko, jalapeno popper goldfish collab makes perfect sense. And as a software executive told the Wall Street Journal, the demand for subscription services also comes from millennials who are resistant to ownership.
Why buy a house you can't afford due to student loan debt and boomers who refuse to retire when you can rent everything in perpetuity except your eventual grave? Here's the fun aside, in the USA, people actually buy their final resting place outright and most states are legally required to maintain your plot until the end of time. While in other countries like the UK or France, you lease your plot for as little as 10 years until they dig up your bones and recycle them.
I just wanted to point this out in case you were wondering where Starbucks gets its grounds. Anyway, whether you're a spry TikToker who goes through wired headphones like licorice or an aging Instagrammer applying for a Porsche passport to guide you through your rapidly approaching midlife crisis, there are all sorts of reasons that your bank statement has so many recurring charges. For one, subscriptions provide time-saving convenience. 100 bucks a year predictably deposits 12 sandwich bags full of moss in your mailbox so you don't have to scrounge for it yourself in the woods like Ted Kaczynski. Your letter carrier might not understand your love for bryophytes but it's better than the alternative. Second, subscriptions can eliminate decision fatigue. According to human performance guru, Dave Asprey, the highly optimized father of biohacking who uses butter to smooth out his coffee and bone marrow stem cells to smooth out his aging genitals, subscribing to monthly 11-pound deliveries of raw meat reduces the amount of agonizing time you waste at the Wegmans deli counter.
It sounds silly, but decision fatigue is real. Lab studies have demonstrated that people tasked with choosing from a variety of consumer goods experienced greater amounts of procrastination and less physical stamina. An indecisive groom isn't going to have much of a honeymoon.
And finally, and most obviously, businesses love money. Subscriptions follow what's known as a recurring revenue model through which access is granted to a product or service in exchange for regularly scheduled payments. This is especially true when it comes to software and digital services.
It used to be the norm that you'd make a one-time $4 purchase to own an indefinite license to a world of premium fart noises. But today, it's more likely that you're ponying up a $4 a month subscription for a similarly charming Alexa skill. Hey, Alexa, play Jimmy Buffett. Pfft. Today, it's estimated that Americans spend an average of $273 a month on subscriptions, which most people grossly underestimate by over $200. But they quickly add up.
There's so many subscriptions that there's even an entire category of products dedicated to keeping track of your subscriptions, some of which, like Truebill, offer their own subscriptions. And once you're locked into one, it can be incredibly hard to get rid of, especially when it seems to provide endless value. For one thing, a subscription itself can be tied to your very identity. According to the Journal of Consumer Research, brands can create meaningful psychological associations that aren't about money, which feed into your own self-image. That's why you might never cancel a subscription to the New Yorker that you never read. Paying to thumb through the cartoons on occasion might make you think you come off as well-read, but your coffee table knows the truth. And even if your will is strong enough to determine that you've endured your fair share of shouts and murmurs, it's not always easy to get out. That's because subscriptions frequently follow a business practice known as negative option billing, where after you sign up for a service, you continue to get billed because the business interprets your silence as consent, a phrase nobody wants associated with them. This is the oldest trick in the subscription book. Back when music had value, the fine print of Columbia House used Pearl Jam and Cypress Hill to lure countless teens into paying full price for Creed. I'm sure you've had an experience like that of the guy who talked to the Washington Post who just wanted to watch a single documentary on ESPN Plus and figured he could pay for a single month only to find out he had been auto-renewed to the service indefinitely. Companies do this because they claim it's in the customer's interest.
And perhaps they're right. It's not that you forgot to cancel Disney Plus after Hamilton dropped, it's because they assume you're yet another grown man who enjoys children's television. And that's fine. It's just, you know there's other stories, right?
Anyway, here's another trap, Rihanna's underwear. In 2019, shoppers on her website began to complain that they had inadvertently been enrolled in a monthly $50 membership. That's because the site used what's known as a dark pattern, a phrase that describes your aunt's behavior on Facebook over the past few years, as well as a specific deceptive user interface trick. Dark patterns make it hard to find the option that you're looking for, like sneakily obscuring words that cancel and unsubscribe. In Rihanna's case, the membership was inserted into a shopping cart without displaying its price in the total.
Savage indeed. And above all else, in the annals of customer retention, companies will go the extra mile not to give you better service, but to give you bitter service before you go. Comcast places customers on hold for hours for having the gall to want to disconnect their landline.
The New York Times makes you enter an AOL era chat room to cancel the crossword. Your gym makes you mail a certified letter to officially state that you won't be living up to your 2018 New Year's resolution. They make it so hard to quit that people simply quit quitting, assuming they can find the right dialogue.
The New York Times Barron's describes this plague of monthly charges as subscription fatigue. At least, I think that's what they do because the article is buried beneath a subscription.
And if you're worried that you're wearing out the UPS man with too many sex toys and bottomless toilet paper rolls, try this. First, be discriminate with your subscriptions. Comb through your visa statement, dump Paramount Plus, keep HBO Max. It's fine. You'll still have two completely different versions of Perry Mason to completely ignore. Next, when buying stuff online, be on the lookout for shady tactics like dark patterns. You may have some help here.
They're already banned in California where new laws also make it easy to cancel subscriptions online. And as of late 2021, the FTC is cracking down on negative option billing and dark patterns because among other reasons, a congressperson's mother almost got suckered into buying a $39 a month birdwatching app. And finally, buy less shit. Yeah, subscriptions are convenient, but they're not that convenient. And you can either arrange monthly billing and deliveries of toilet paper, hand soap, toothpaste, detergent, surface cleaner, shaving, cream, and shampoo, or you could, you know, just go to Target. Physical subscription services promote mindless consumerism and deliveries that require constant packaging, shipping, and returns aren't great for the natural environment where we at the present time are stuck living. At least until the metaverse somehow figures out how to place one of those black mirror filters over the neighborhood landfill, which will likely require its own subscription. |
cracked | the_most_clever_foreshadowing_in_movies | Eleven. Foreshadowing. Scenes. Hidden. Movies.
Keep drinking. I'll have a Bloody Mary firstly. Uh, uh, Mary, I'm, I'm warning you. Have a bite of the King's head. Couple of the little princess. Sorry, what are you doing? Stagger back him. Back at the bar for shards. How's that for a slice of fried corn?
No. You ever fired the two guns whilst jumping through the air? No. Have you ever been in an ice-beat procedure? Yes, I have. You ever fired a gun whilst in an ice-beat procedure? No. Have you ever seen point break?
That is why he's just dropped his bank. Keanu Reeves is chasing him through people's gardens. And he goes to shoot Swayze, but he can't, because he loves him so much. And he's firing his gun up in the air. He's like, ah!
Leave a light on, good lady, for though we may return with a twinkle in our eyes, we will in truth be blind. Drunk. She says. She says she thinks she could get well again if children believed in fairies. Don't believe in you all my life. Be deep on home.
We're only one step away. It's usually when the ground falls out from underneath your feet. Elsa, don't move. It's ours, Indy. Yours and mine. Elsa, don't cross the seal, but my wand is not to take the ground. All right, Ventura. Make it quick.
Einhorn is a man! That's why Roger Padactor is dead! He found Captain Winky!
How many in their party? We started with ten. There'd be eight others left. We're gonna draw a little bit of everybody's blood.
Maybe every part of him was a hole. Every little piece was an individual animal with a built-in desire to protect its own life. That man is playing Galaga.
Thought we wouldn't notice, but we did. Okay. I suppose it's too late to make a run for it. Hallelujah! You're my saviour, man. No impersonal Jesus Christ, you get caught... Look, it just sounds to me like you need to unplug, man. We're only one step away. It's usually when the ground falls out from underneath your feet. Hallelujah! |
TheOnion | Hurricane_Ashley_Expected_To_Strike_Several_Bars_This_Cinco_De_Mayo | Images of destruction are flooding in and the worst isn't over. Experts warn that Hurricane Ashley could strike as many as eight bars throughout the day. Her Cinco de Mayo plans, combined with all the recent drama with Scott, have created perfect conditions for Hurricane Ashley to cause a lot of damage this afternoon and well into the evening. Here's a look at Ashley's path of destruction so far.
At 11 a.m., she landed on Foster Street, moving from O' Murphy's to the Blue Iguana hitting the place that does the many pizzas the hardest. The fast-moving human storm is gaining strength right now, gathering flavored vodka shots in her apartment. And she's expected to merge with other high-pressure systems, including BFFs Jessica and Christy, within the next hour. Forecasters predict that some areas could see all three grown women obnoxiously shouting, wearing sombreros and fake mustaches, and asking strangers to hold their shoes for some reason as early as 5 p.m. While bars and clubs are bracing themselves, boarding up windows and closing early, many bartenders prepping for massive clean-up efforts if Ashley touches down and pukes on their dance floors. We have some footage of the destruction that began just hours ago at Senior Tacos. Experts recommend staying inside your house or car until the disturbance passes, avoiding eye contact and not even getting into it with her right now. The whirlwind might not die down until close to 2.30 a.m. when she's expected to be kicked out of a reggae bar called the Lion's Den for saying something racist. Our thoughts are with everyone in her path. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_understudy_snl | Hey, guys. I'm Chloe Feynman. it's been a really unique season, and people are always asking, what happens when a cast member has to miss a show because they're sick? Well, that's where I come in. I am the show's official understudy. So, every week, I run lines with all the cast members just in case they need to jump into their roles.
Do you think we can take it from the top of the sketch? Yeah, yeah. Exterior: Met Gala. Kate is an E! news correspondent. Okay, so, he gets home.
Wa, Wa, go, just Wa, go, just all around. you want to get more intimate with it. you want to do a bigger spread. Okay, spread. spread as big as you can. just make people uncomfortable with what you're doing. Wa, go, just go. to really capture the essence of a cast member, you have to shadow them as they go about their everyday routines.
Yeah, well, I thought it was funny, but during the show, it wasn't on the cue cards. it wasn't on the cue cards. No. no. no. no. no. no. way against you. some of the cast members even use me as an understudy for their personal lives.
Thanks so much for doing this, Chloe. I'm so bad at breakups. truly, no problem. hey, pal. Oh, man. I thought I did, too. but I see it was more of a pal, you know? So, it's just not going to work out. Thanks, pal. you're the best.
Oh, man. actually, I'm going to love you more than the last one. understudies have a very strict code of ethics. like, no matter how good my Elizabeth Olsen impression is, I would never use it to trick Benedict. Benedict, it's your friend Elizabeth Olsen. Hey, Lucy, you made it, and you're in costume. Well, I love Marvel. And speaking of, do you know who would be great in the next? Doctor Strange is Snl's understudy, Chloe Feynman. Benedict.
What's going on? Uh, I thought I was talking to you.
No, I'm me. No, so am I. But I am me. I am me, too.
Oh, my God. the Multiverse is real. has anyone asked me to be an understudy? no, but they haven't asked me to stop. Okay, guys. Rapid fire. tell me if I get it. eighty. goobily Gabily goobily. that egg. smell it. no nuts. that ass. Heidi. hey, dude. worst one so far? but fine. Sarah. hello. wait, do I sound like a Jewish parrot? no. okay. who's left? eggo. pass.
And I thank you for that. And I know what you guys are thinking. what happens if I get sick? Well, I actually have my own understudy who does a perfect impression of me. yo, bitch. I'm Chloe Feinberg. Well, that's where I come in. I am the show's official understudy. So, every week I run lines with all the cast members just in case they need to jump into their roles.
Do you think we can take it from the top of the sketch? Yeah, yeah. Exterior: Met Gala. Kate is an E! news correspondent. Okay. so, he gets home.
Wa, Wa, go, just Wa, go, just all around. you want to get more intimate with it. you want to do a bigger spread. Okay, spread. spread as big as you can. just make people uncomfortable with what you're doing. Wa, go, just go. to really capture the essence of a cast member, you have to shadow them as they go about their everyday routines.
Yeah, well, I thought it was funny, but during the show, it wasn't on the cue cards. it wasn't on the cue cards? No.
Oh. yeah. well. well, yeah. way against you. some of the cast members even use me as an understudy for their personal lives. Thanks so much for doing this, Chloe. I'm so bad at breakups. truly, no problem. hey, pal. Oh, yeah. I thought I did too, but I see it was more of a pal, you know? So, it's just not going to work out. Thanks, pal. you're the best. Oh, man. actually, I love you, Melissa. understudies have a very strict code of ethics.
Like, no matter how good my Elizabeth Olsen impression is, I would never use it to trick Benedict. Benedict is your friend Elizabeth Olsen. Hey, Lucy, you made it, and you're in costume.
Benedict. What's going on? I thought I was talking to you.
I'm Me. No. so am I. I am me. I am me too.
Oh, my God. the Multiverse is real. has anyone asked me to be an understudy? No. But they haven't asked me to stop. Okay, guys. rapid fire. tell me if I get it. eighty. goobily gabily goobily. that egg. smell it. no nuts. that ass. Heidi. hey, dude. worst one so far, but fine. Sarah. hello. wait, do I sound like a Jewish parrot? Yeah. okay. who's left?
Eggo. pass. I don't care for that.
And I know what you guys are thinking. what happens if I get sick? Well, I actually have my own understudy who does a perfect impression of me. yo, bitch. I'm Chloe Feynberg. |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.