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dropout | if_hideo_kojima_directed_a_romantic_comedy | Yes, Mom, I'm going to the wedding. No, Mom, I'm not bringing anyone.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. It's fine. I was going to bake another batch anyway.
I'm Raven. Jake. Jake Pliskin.
So this is a special technique I developed called Close Quarters Cooking or CQC. Damn it. Oh my God, are you okay? How did you do that? Nanomachines.
So you're telling me that the ex-boyfriend you've been hung up on this whole time is my brother. And this guy's just a soulless juice company executive.
And you're wasting your time on the futility of cupcakes. The time of solids is over. The age of liquids has begun.
I can't deal with either of you right now. I just don't know which of them to choose. Girl, you need to think about your future. You must pick a man with stability. With money.
Hey, something wrong? It's just...
Can we remain human in this ever-evolving technological battlefield? Why can't we just be happy? With nanomachines controlling our emotions. How can we be Raven? How could you choose him? Nanomachines?
What do you want? To break free from this endless series of proxy battles. Sometimes. Why won't you tell this girl how you feel? Must I control you like a puppet?
The perfect romance. Romance... has changed.
I have to get her back. Just needs... Uh oh. Can't hold it. I gotta go!
The right ingredients. In this time of pre-programmed war and violence.
The only thing real... is our love. A pinch of love. It's my ex-boyfriend. |
dropout | is_trump_the_president_or_am_i_brain_damaged | Katie! No! Fuck! Cinnamon toast crunch!
Trapp, you alright? Yeah, I'm fine. Fuck. Trapp, look at me. How many fingers? Three. I'm fine, guys.
What year is it? 2017. Just give me a minute. Who's the president?
Okay, I think I know the answer to this one. But it sounds crazy in my head. Go on. You probably got it.
No. No, no. That can't be right.
He's pretty confused. I think he might have a concussion.
You're just saying that because we're winning. No, I'm not.
Okay, see, I think I have the right answer, but it doesn't seem right. You know? Maybe I should go to a hospital. Fuck that. You're fine. Just say who the president is. I only get one guess? Yeah. What about two guesses? No! Come on, he's clearly thinking of the right answer. Fuck, am I? Yeah.
Really? It's really bad. It's crazy that they even ran, let alone won.
Exactly. No. Yeah. Does he wear a stupid hat? Hey, no hints. Okay, the president is...
I can't say it. I can't be right. Honestly, I'm embarrassed to even say the person I was thinking of.
Don't second-guess yourself. Just say the answer and let's play. No, he might think the president is someone totally crazy. Yeah, I do. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. Really?
Look how confused he is. It's like he's trying to wake up from some horrible nightmare. So am I. Everything he's saying right now, I say every morning. What I'm remembering seems impossible, but my brain is telling me it happened.
So what's real? Right? What's even real?
I mean, I guess I do the same thing. So let him play. Come on. No, not before I get an answer. Trapp?
Who is the president? Donald Duck. That's it.
We've got to get him to a hospital.
Oh, fuck no. It was Donald Trump, wasn't it? It was Trump. I knew it was Trump.
I knew that was my first thought. It seemed crazy. At least Donald Duck was in the Navy. |
SaturdayNightLive | holding_cell_saturday_night_live | Come on, you don't understand, All right? it's my car. I'm the one who reported it's stolen, but then it was recovered. Yeah, well, I'm sure your story will check out, but unfortunately, our computer still listed us stolen. Listen, just sit tight for an hour. we'll clear this whole thing up. Ok, buddy? yeah, yeah. this is just great. What happened? last year, my car got stolen, but they recovered it a week later, right? And tonight, they pulled me over, saying it was listed as stolen, but it's not. it's my car.
Oh, yeah, you're innocent. What are you in here for? this time, they say I was scalping tickets outside of a Chick Corea concert. But like you, I'm innocent. I am innocent.
So what's your name, kid? Andrew. guys in here call me Spider. what guys? yeah, they're cons, man. after a while, maybe you get a nickname. I don't want a nickname, all right?
I just want to get out of here. First time in the Joint? the Joint? this is a holding cell at Sherman Oaks. welcome to Hell, kid. a new fish like you get eaten up in a minute. don't you worry. Daddy's going to take good care of you.
Now, here comes a Spider. Spider coming to get you. What are you doing? I'm turning you out, Boy. you're doing what? turning you out, making you my little girlfriend. we're going to the Chapel. we're going to get married. come on, come on. hey, hey, well, don't do that, all right? Spider going to put you in a sleeper hold. wake up. we'll be man and wife. get your hands off me. you're a big boy, huh? strong, too. Spider going to take a little breather, regroup. by the way, I used to be involved in a little bone smuggling ring. you're going to get the smuggler's blues in a minute. I don't think so, pal. uh-oh, Spider coming back. Spider coming to get you.
Now, we can do this the hard way. or we can do it the easy way. we're not going to do this at all. I like it when a punk fights back. that makes it all the better. Okay, all right. that's it. Come here, you. come here. just sit down. you're hurting me. Now, don't make me hurt you. Got it. Okay, uncle. Jesus. I get it, man. you're no stranger to this system. you win.
I guess you're the man in the relationship. have at it. What? put your pants on. I'm your bitch. Hey, I'm not into men, all right? it ain't about sex. it's about power. Go on. guard, guard. What you doing? come on, kid. be cool. don't call it guard. you're asking for trouble, man.
What? you get labeled a snitch. you'll never make it in a big house. Again, we're in a holding cell in Sherman Oaks. Whether it's sing, sing, or Sherman Oaks, out in the yard, we don't take kindly to rats.
All right, why don't you just go over there and shut up. What? you got to do my curls Now, anyway. What's wrong? nothing. Are you okay? it's just.
When we first hooked up. we did not hook up. it was purely physical, you know, just two men satisfying animal urges. Nothing happened. somewhere along the line, I fell in love. it's stupid. Damn, I knew I shouldn't have. I couldn't help it.
Oh, Andrew. hey, hey, hey. if you come over here again, I'm gonna kick your ass. Oh, speaking of ass, are you considering? No! yes, me and King. I ain't no one in here by that name. I'm sorry.
I meant Spider. Yeah. you're free to go. Ooh, that's right, boss. ain't no prison in the world that can hold a spider. actually, your mom put up the $30 for the Bam. Oh, that was sweet. you can have my smokes. And, uh, I'll tell you what. if anyone gives you trouble, you tell them Spider's sent you. you'll be okay.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, I can't promise I'll wait for you. Yeah, it's the life of a con.
I understand. Boy, am I glad that guy's gone, huh? What a piece of work. Yeah, Spider's not here to protect you anymore. you belong to me, bitch. Now take those pants off. What? you heard me. get them off! get them off! All right. |
SaturdayNightLive | aerotoilet_snl | Wow, family reunion isn't it. we haven't had this many people in the house in two years. I know, but I'm honestly a little worried about all these people using our bathroom. can the septic handle it?
Don't worry. we've got aerotoilet. Aero? what? From the makers of Aerobed, now there's aerotoilet. the inflatable guest toilet you can really go to the bathroom in.
Huh. in seconds, it's fully inflated and ready to use. And voila, your home office becomes our new guest bathroom. Wow, that's amazing. go ahead, give it a try. Oh, boy. whoa, whoa, is it supposed to wobble like this? Just adjust the firmness with that little toggle there. oh. better? much.
I mean, I'm using this exactly the way I'd use a regular ceramic toilet. that's the whole point. I mean, I can really do it all. and more. an aerotoilet goes anywhere, and it's so affordable. you'll want one for every corner of your house. And since there's no plumbing, there's no place aerotoilet can't go. Ok, that's awesome. not near an outlet? just inflate manually, using the convenient mouth tube. ooh, careful not to suck. good thinking.
Oh, great party, Terry. and I love the house. what is it, a three bedroom, nine bath? There's even inflatable toilet paper and an inflatable magazine if you get bored. ooh, he's ready for another hot dog. right after this game. Oh, wow. looks like it's getting pretty full. Yeah. now what? Well, when it's time for the guests to leave, all you do is open this handy bell. John, Not in here. there's no plumbing. Oh, my God. it's going everywhere. everybody, all right. Aerotoilet, from the makers of Aerobend. not safe for pool use. occupied. |
dropout | the_twisted_truth_behind_the_model_minority_stereotype_adam_ruins_everything | MUSIC Boy, I'm sure glad we left the pool party, Trey.
That homework is way more fun. Ah, computer. That's the first thing you've ever said that doesn't add up. You're so studious, computer.
Trey, you could learn a thing or two from his people. They're very wise.
Whoa, time out. Here we go again.
TV and movies are rampant with Asian stereotypes, especially the idea that Asian people are some kind of model minority, smart, successful, polite, obedient, and of course, inherently good at math. What's the big deal? Those are all compliments. Well, these compliments actually originated in the government propaganda campaign. And not too long ago, white Americans actually thought the exact opposite. Time in.
In the mid 1800s, Americans were so hostile to Chinese people, the country passed laws banning Chinese immigration and denying their freedoms. They were stereotyped as a lazy, opium-addicted, menacing whore ducked the yellow peril.
And your old Uncle Sammy didn't stop there. Uncle Sammy! Yeah, Uncle Sammy hasn't been such a cool uncle.
Because of anti-Asian racism during World War II, the United States interned Japanese Americans in concentration camps. Hey, it's our Japanese friend Kenji from up the street. Oh, that's not your friend. That's a spy. He wants to kill Americans. Uncle Sammy, why didn't you do that to German Americans in World War II?
Yeah, I wonder. Because they're white.
But all that changed when the US needed to suck up to its Asian allies during the Cold War. See, as the Soviet Union rose to power, the US worried that Soviet propaganda was making communism sound dynamite. America is so racist, am I right? It's like, hey, USA, cut it out. Woof, guess I better have mercy on these Asians. So America embarked on a propaganda campaign to tout Asian-American success stories. The State Department highlighted Asian-American artists, politicians, and even sent an all-Chinese-American basketball team on tour overseas. Forget all that nastiness earlier. America loves our Asian sports heroes.
And in 1965, Congress approved a landmark immigration law that ditched racist restrictions. But it gave preference to immigrants who had training, talent, or skill sets that would benefit the US economy. Sammy and the Rippers are changing their tune. Borders now open for smart, successful Asian immigrants. Wow, now that I've led all these educated, successful Asians into America, I've got to say, Asian-Americans sure are successful and educated. So America went from a country that despised Asians to one that held them up as a shining example of assimilation.
And this self-fulfilling prophecy resulted in the model minority myth. And the most sinister part of this myth is it was used to put other minorities down. And it's still holding people back today.
Oh, it's our very special guest star professor of history at Indiana University, Ellen Wu.
Why did I need to use the ladder, Adam? Aren't we on the ground floor? It's a sitcom thing.
In the 1960s, government officials looked at socioeconomic data from African-American communities and contrasted it to the so-called family values and stability of Asian-Americans. Now, this fueled racist claims that black people had no one to blame but themselves if they experienced poverty and other social disadvantages. Conservatives went on to use these claims to justify making cuts to many essential social programs for African-Americans and other disadvantaged minority groups. They were even used to argue against civil rights.
Come on. You don't see computer complaining about fair and equal protection. Asians earned their place in this country. Why can't you? What? No, Uncle Sammy, you helped Asian people. Why can't you see that?
And the model minority myth hurts Asian people, too. If an Asian-American student is struggling in school, many teachers assume that they don't really need extra help. And it's not true that all Asians are crazy rich and successful. The poverty rate for Asian-Americans is actually higher than the national average. And frankly, it's kind of ridiculous that we lump people from so many different backgrounds together as Asian. Yeah. Asian people are not a monolith.
Trey, you and your multi-ethnic adoptive parents keep referring to me as your smart Asian neighbor. Specifically, I am Korean-American. And sure, I'm smart, but I also love Ultimate Frisbee.
Why doesn't anybody talk about that? You know what this is messed up? Computer is a person who contains multitudes and probably has a real name. You know what, Uncle Sammy? This is all your fault. Get out of my room. Whoa, watch the hair. |
cracked | president_trump_kicks_off_reelection_campaign_senate_kicks_off_millions_from_healthcare_some_news | Hey you, I'm a news person, and here's some news. In the celebrity world, Josh Peck from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh didn't invite Drake Bell from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh to his wedding. What the fuck is this?
In Congress, a small murder of GOP senators has been secretly writing a healthcare bill that would repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, a piece of legislation that, while flawed, has saved the lives and improved the health of millions. The House version of the repeal bill would essentially give tax cuts to the wealthy and potentially cause 23 million people to lose their healthcare. Even President Trump, that can't be right, of a country, okay. Even President Trump has referred to the bill as mean, and so behind closed doors, the murder of senators has been writing up a new barely less mean bill and hasn't even let fellow Republicans see what's in it. By the time this comes out, there will be more information, but luckily we've acquired breaking news and anonymous letter from one of the senators crafting the bill.
Dear America, oh, that's nice. I understand that people are confused and concerned about what the bill is going to look like, and I can tell you, please do not be concerned. I can't tell you about the bill, but I can tell you it'll be a bill. I mean, this is what we campaigned on. This is what we pushed for. Surely we have something in mind that won't just give tax cuts to the wealthy and make people lose their healthcare. That wouldn't be a very good healthcare bill, now would it? So you might be asking, why have we been hiding it then? Because why hide something you're proud of or something that's, you know, good? I mean, I could say this is payback for how the Democrats passed the Affordable Care Act. Goodness gracious knows that there are enough tweets from GOP members, including Vice President Mike Pence, condemning passing bills in secret, but also the ACA passage involved months full of 100 Senate hearings and 161 amendments from Republicans, and this has involved zero of the first thing, but zero of the second thing. So I guess maybe we're being secretive because it's still very bad, and son of a gun, I'm starting to realize that maybe we're bad.
Fuck, what am I doing? What the hell am I doing?
What is wrong with me?
The tear stains make the rest hard to read. Can we get the rest of this transcribed for me? Thank you. Here's some news. Travis Kalanick, tech bro, pioneer of disruption, General Scumbag and CEO of Uber, has stepped down as CEO, disrupting his ability to have a job. He is currently hanging out in an Uber pool of his own tears.
Speaking of disruption, a group of protestors disrupted a production of Julius Caesar that portrayed the assassinated Caesar as a President Donald Trump-like figure, continuing the long tradition of hacky theater productions replacing Caesar with a modern president, including Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. And of the four presidents mentioned, two of them are alleged rapists, so pretty good. The protestors likened the show to Nazi propaganda that promotes political violence, while others call it a Shakespeare play about the perils of political violence, in which the character who plots the assassination is the bad guy. I look forward to their protest of Romeo and Juliet for its disgusting promotion of teenagers falling in love and killing themselves.
Meanwhile, that night, another protest took place for Philando Castile, the black man who exercised his Second Amendment right by calmly informing a police officer he legally had a gun in an open carry state and then was instantly shot dead in front of his girlfriend and her four-year-old daughter. The really good and well-trained cop did a great job of flipping the fuck out for no reason, and so was found not guilty of murder by cop with gun. The dash cam footage was released, and it's super fucked up, and sorry there are no jokes about this gross miscarriage of justice, but at least a few days later, Seattle police shot and killed a pregnant woman who called about a possible burglary at her home. The cops claimed she had a knife, and so they shot her with bullets instead of the Taser version of a gun, the Taser. We sure do shoot each other a lot.
I never thought I'd say this, but what's the freakin' president up to? Oh, there he is! At a rally Wednesday night, President Trump, big, strong, smart immigration man, suggested we need new immigration laws in which immigrants would not be eligible for welfare for five years, a law which has existed for 20 years. So breaking news, our president is a dumb fucking idiot, he doesn't know what he's talking about, and we'll just say whatever and then get credit for it. Like, who cares? Let's just not let ourselves get distracted by our president being a dumb fucking idiot, he doesn't know what he's talking about, and we'll just say whatever and then get credit for it.
The rally was a delicious taste of candidate Trump, who has a much better time than President Trump, and will be seeing even more of candidate man because he'll be holding his first reelection campaign fundraiser next week in the Trump International Hotel, which is the very expensive hotel he built down the street from the White House. Having a hotel down the street combines two of Trump's favorite things, accepting constitutionally illegal gifts from foreign nations and not having to walk very far to accept those gifts. Holding a reelection fundraiser five months into your four year term as leader of the free world would probably be some kind of record, had that record not already been broken by Trump himself, who filed all the necessary paperwork for his reelection campaign his first fucking day as the president of the United States of America, which is a country with a president named Donald Trump. Proceeds from the event will be split evenly between Trump's reelection campaign and the Republican National Committee, and by proceeds, I mean donations. Money spent on food, drinks, and hotel accommodations will all go directly to the Trump International Hotel. This may look like a flagrant violation of the constitutional emoluments clause, and it is, but don't worry, every dollar earned by the Trump Hotel will go directly to the corporation Trump created to hold the hotel's lease while he's in office, Trump Old Post Office LLC, which definitely wasn't a throwaway name thought up at the last minute to get around constitutional law, and Trump Old Post Office LLC definitely won't be dissolved the instant Trump leaves office, and all that money they're making off of being the president of the United States' official hotel definitely won't find its way into Trump's gigantic butt pockets the second he's no longer commander-in-chief.
Commander-in-chief? More like con-mander-in-thief. Anyway. Maybe we shouldn't come down on Trump so hard for throwing a fundraising party at the hotel he owns down the street from the White House. I mean, maybe he just wants to have a proper birthday party since his actual birthday was terrible. You may remember from last week's episode and last week's The World that Trump's birthday was completely ruined by being given the gift of being investigated for obstruction of justice, which is a crime. And I think after all this, the president deserves a chance to get a real birthday present, like millions of dollars of tax-free money. It's his favorite. Speaking of rich f**ks getting even more rich f**kier, how's that tear-suck letter from the senator coming? Oh, good.
What is wrong with me?
I mean, sure, this new bill will kick fewer people from their healthcare than 23 million, but it will still be a lot of people. And we're cutting Medicaid expansion, especially if you're a pregnant woman, and I guess I just don't understand why it's so hard to get to a point where we can agree that if a government can, a government should take care of its citizens and help keep them alive. Almost every other developed nation in the world has some form of universal healthcare, so when people hear the idea and say, oh, you want a magical utopia where gumdrop kittens f**k money, no, I'm talking about f**king Canada. Most countries. Taxes pay for fire and police and defense and war and fighting terrorism because it's right there in the Declaration of Independence. We have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The government should keep its citizens safe and alive. And as an anonymous senator who thinks maybe I've been doing a bad job, it doesn't feel like that's what we're doing because you know what kills the most people?
Diseases. Most of the things that kill people? Diseases.
But we won't help because of some vague idea that people should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, which is a phrase that was invented to point out how silly that idea is. You can't pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. It's impossible. Human beings didn't survive as a species because of survival of the fittest. We survived because we were collaborative and we help each other and getting sick can ruin a person's life. So can dying. It takes away your liberty and your ability to pursue happiness.
And as an anonymous senator who's starting to think that maybe I'm the bad guy, if we're not going to agree that a single player healthcare system is a good idea like every other developed nation and also President Donald J. Trump in his book, The America We Deserve, then at least stop me and my colleagues from destroying people's lives for the purposes of enriching the already wealthy. There are already protests going on in and outside Mitch McConnell's office. You can see really fun footage of police dragging people out of their wheelchairs and away. So call your Republican senator. Hey, maybe it'll be me, an anonymous Republican senator. And tell them to oppose the bill. Call your Democratic senator and tell them to do everything they can to stop this bill from going through, including withholding consent and filibuster by amendment. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, but as an anonymous Republican senator who's just now realizing that, whoa, maybe I'm actually killing people, you have to try.
And it sucks because the pharmaceutical industry and insurance companies are basically writing this bill and they also basically wrote the ACA and everyone is failing us and they're all in the pocket of the fossil fuel industry or the pharmaceutical industry or some other people who I'm starting to think are also bad, like me. And it would be great if we were all in the pocket of like good stuff. Anyway, Medicare for all.
Sincerely, Ted Cruz. Ted? You're the zodiac killer, Ted.
And if you wanna call your senator, do it. Even if you don't want to, do it. It works, it's important. Just do it today, do it tomorrow. Do it a couple times the next day. Do it the next day after that. Do it when you are bored. Do it all. Thanks. |
dropout | Cap_n_Jim_s_Boating_Tips_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Stacey drugs. And I'm Robert Pattinson's bad man. Show me the clues. Our top story tonight, a scandal has rocked another titan of American industry as Bert from Burt's Bees has been indicted. Oh no. I am the world's greatest. I am the world's greatest detective. I solve crimes with my best.
A spokesperson for the company has denied any wrongdoing on part of Burt. The CEO Gert or any of the 10 board members whose names all rhyme with Burt, which I can list now.
Kurt. Fert. Lenert. Senert. Dert. Dert as a name. Pert. Plus. Pert plus. Rert. Belenert.
Riddle me this. What's scarier than darkness? Bats.
For his part, Burt has remained mostly silent on the charge, which is, of course, honey laundering. Jim Gordon is my friend. Burt is also under fire for allegations that he goes to hives at night and scoops up big handfuls of honey like a big hungry bear.
Security footage shows that he did a Winnie the Pooh impression the entire time. The footage is locked by court, but I'll reenact it for you now.
Oh, no. I am very rich and very sad. My butler's name is Alfred.
I have a Batmobile. I have a Batarang. I have a Batcave.
I love, I love, I don't love Lois Lane. That's the other guy. Thanks, Stacey.
You know, cardiovascular disease is one of the leading health risks in America. It's important to make sure you're getting your heart rate up every day.
One of the best ways to do that is by getting scared. I recommend all my patients watch a scary video like this. Oh, no. Please.
Doctor, I'm worried about my sugar intake. You have any advice for me?
Absolutely. The glucose interacts with the electrical signals to your heart by, you know, electricity. So you can deal with those by rubber. Interesting. I have a family history of ventricle t-carter-tree. Can you tell me what it is and how to prevent it? Certainly. Venticular trichotomy. There's, you know, I'm going to break down the words for you.
Venticular, there's vents. It goes through your body. It's a thing where your body, there's too many vents in it. There's too many holes in your body.
So you got to just not breathe, keep it all in. And it's, you know, just live your life to the fullest. One last question.
I hate diet and exercise. Is there some sort of quack science you can recommend for lazy people like me?
I have to assume this has been vetted by somebody. How bad is this going to hurt? Do I just press this button and then do it?
To your health. Thanks, doctor. With great power comes great responsibility. Ame.
We'll go now to chip Captain Jim here to give us some tips on how to get fish to bite when we're out and about this summer. Captain, how's the water? It's a beautiful day out here, Stacey. The fish are biting and these are some beautiful boats rolling through the inlet. Oh, that sounds great. I wish I knew more about boating.
What's the difference between a monohull and a cat? Well, a monohull comes from the Latin, mono as in one and hull as in hull, whereas a cat is an animal. So they are, in fact, completely different things. One hull, a cat. Aha. And how about the difference between a cat and a pontoon? Well, I feel like I've been over the cat part. A cat is a feline animal and therefore completely separate and distinct from a pontoon, which comes from the Latin.
Pond, meaning pond? A small body of water. In tune, meaning animated. An animated body of water versus a feline species. Completely different things. Only vaguely to do, either of which with boats.
I am Groot. You know, folks, even though today is lovely, you won't always have such nice conditions out on the water, a proper fisherman should be able to catch fish blindfolded. And I'm, oh boy, a proper fisherman. So to demonstrate, I'm going to blindfold myself right now and do some fishing. Terrific. Now these waters behind me are protected, though, so instead of catching trout, I have a really long pole, long enough to reach Amy.
At the end of it is a string, and at the end of the string is a licorice. The other newscasters are going to direct me while I use this pole to feed Amy a little bite of candy. Goody goody gumdrops. Let's do glasses over the blindfold. Okay, stay in character, Sam. Okay, long pole.
I didn't even get a good look at this. I vaguely know what's in my hands.
To the left. There we go. Okay, well there's a pole. There's an obstacle, so you're going to... And then forward. Forward. A little more your left. My left.
Yeah. There you go. Okay. You might want to go over that. So up, left, down. Yep. Alfred. Nice. There we go. Straight. Yeah, then straight ahead. You're smooth sailing. A little more right for you. Yeah, that's perfect. Split the difference. There we go. Perfect.
Bat red vine. Okay, forward. Forward.
You're almost there. Maybe like another few steps. Oh, you are so close. You're in money.
Down, a little down. Lower.
To your right. There you go. Yeah.
Stop playing with me.
A little more up. Up.
Down a lot.
There you go.
Handsome.
Real or un-captain. Great work. You can take your blindfold off now. There you go. See how easy that was? I hope that helps on the high seas. Was this the voice I'm doing before? I sure hope so. Thanks, captain.
Well, that does it for us, but before we go, we'll tell you that today's loser is Amy. And as punishment, they'll have to eat licorice while they shock themselves with a cattle prod. Oh, pull and peel.
You don't see that often. Not red vines at all. |
dropout | hardly_working_script_meeting | The end. That's a great script. The next one is from Adam and Owen. Cool.
Yeah, this is Hardly Working, Dan's New Shoes.
Owen, do you care who plays what? No, I don't care.
You can assign first. All right, cool. I'll just go down the list.
Kevin be Kevin, a new be a new. Emily, can you read for man one?
Yes! Great.
Dan, let's have you be Ugly Man. Pat, can you do a British accent?
Hello. Ken, I can. Right. Oh, go now. Awesome.
You be JK Rowling.
Let's see. I'll be Handsome Strong Man. Kevin, you be Surprised Hitman, a new be Bullet.
Dan, can you be Eatsy Teensy Penis Man? Pat, can you do a Chinese accent?
Hello. Ken, I can. It's tea time. God save the queen. Perfect. You be Mousey Donkey Kong.
I'll be Thick Dick Rick. Murf, you be Thick Dick Rick's Bisquick Stick.
Emily be Man 2. Yes!
Dan, you be Shitty Pathetic Twerp. Can you do that Shitty Pathetic voice you do? What voice?
That's perfect. Nailed it. Great.
Kevin, you be Great Sex Man. I'll be Even Better Sex Man.
A new you be Wucky the Plucky Ducky.
Emily Man 3.
Yes! Murf, you be Fat Tits Bomber Man. Oh, Pat, can you do a Vatican accent? Hello. Ken, I can.
That's a Lori Fuller Bollocks.
Earl Gray at the above. Great. You be Dog Pope.
Kevin be Emily. Can you do your Emily voice?
Got it. Nice.
Kevin be Margaret Conover, my mom. Emily Man 4.
Yes! And Man 5. Yes! Oh, and also Group of Man. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Pat, can you do a Scottish accent?
No. Dan, how about you? Oh, shut up, Ken.
Actually, I was born in Scotland, so it makes a lot of sense. Great.
A new you be a Hayward Micro Clear above ground chlorinated filtration system.
And oh, Dan, you be George Clooney.
Oh, sorry, he doesn't have any lines, never mind.
All right, that's everyone.
Oh, oh, and can you read stage directions? Stage directions.
Fuck you, you piece of shit. I want fucking Juilliard.
I should be Baptist Spider-Man.
Hey, dummy. If you thought that was funny, click me to subscribe to our College Humor YouTube page, or click below to subscribe to Hardly Workings. Stupid. |
SaturdayNightLive | martha_stewart_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Welcome back to Cnn, I'm Darren Kagan. And I'm Rick Sanchez. in just a moment, we'll be going Live to The Living Omnimedia offices in Manhattan, where Martha Stewart will address her employees for the first time since her release. while most of us get the Monday blues about going back to work, Martha Stewart is one lady who's just happy to be out of those prison grays. you gonna do that joke at the top of every hour? Yes, Ma'am. Those who know Martha say her prison term has changed her, that in her five-month stay at Alderson, it's shifted her priorities and broadened her outlook on the world.
Take it from me, prison will do that to you. What do you know about prison, Rick? not a thing. I just like to hear myself talk. you're an idiot. your boyfriend is Rush Limbaugh. All right, that's private. You see Rush Limbaugh naked, and you like it.
Stop it. We go now. Live to Omnimedia's Manhattan headquarters. my fellow employees, It gives me great pleasure to say, welcome home, Martha. let's not shoot our wad at the top of the meeting here, huh? You hold that for me, baby? you're sweet, are you new? I like your hair. stay after me. First things first,: I want to thank my blockmate and dear friend Latrice Gibbons for crocheting me this poncho. I promised Latrice that when she gets out, she can be craft editor at Martha Stewart Living. I'm just messing with you. Latrice is never getting out. she drowned her kids. anyway. Also, Martha, on behalf of the whole staff. Who's that? hey, whoa! baby, baby, don't you sneak up on me.
I'll cut you, bitch. I'll cut you. Oh, God, please don't. please don't cut me. Who sent you, Tt? huh? I'll cut you both. No.
Martha, um, we just baked you a basket of your favorite almond-laced cookies from your grandmother's recipe, that's all. Oh, you know, I'm not even into those anymore. huh? yeah, they had these things at Alderson's called Chips Ahoy. not too shabby. I was like, where are these from? And the guy goes, they're from the store. turns out a lot of this crap we make, you can get it at the store. so I think we can let this whole recipe thing slide for a little while.
Anyway, Order of Business Number Two. Well, on house Arrest, I can only work 48 hours a week. once my house arrest is over, it will be 12 hours a week. life's too short. I'm talking to you, lady, in charge of dried flowers. Get a life. Number three, I'm gonna need a new office that faces Mecca. I'll explain that one later. Number four, I'm gonna stop being such a stone-cold mega bitch all the time. I'm changing my catchphrase from it's a Good Thing to it's all good. And Number Six, I challenge anyone here to a hard-boiled egg-eating contest. huh? you raincoat. you want, I knew you wouldn't. I knew you wouldn't. |
TheOnion | Hollow_Point_Bullets_Recalled_That_Don_t_Explode_In_Targets | The nation's leading manufacturer of ammunition, Steel Hawk Incorporated, announced a massive recall today of jacketed hollow point bullets, which may not properly shred the internal organs of victims. When functioning normally, the tip of a hollow point bullet shatters into fragments, then cuts a wide and jagged path through the tissue and bone of its target. But due to a factory error, nearly 100,000 bullets with solid points were shipped to retail stores, resulting in a greatly reduced capability to explode flesh.
Steel Hawk CEO John Cullen announced the recall at a press conference this morning. At Steel Hawk, nothing is more important to us than the complete satisfaction of our customers when they maim or kill.
Some of these defective bullets can leave an exit wound as small as a plum. That is unacceptable. According to information released by Steel Hawk, the first notice about the defective bullets came from a man who shot and killed his brother during an altercation at a county fair and was disappointed that the victim's face remained, quote, more or less intact. Frank Ehrman was among the hundreds of other dissatisfied customers.
You know, you spend good money for a hollow point bullet, you expect it to explode ahead in the guise of blood and brains. You know, if I wanted to kill someone without destroying the body, I'd use a hammer. To address complaints like these, the company is also offering discount coupons for its newest product, inferno bullets, which start a small fire inside of someone when you shoot them. We understand that when our customers shoot a man, they want to see his liquefied organs pour out of every hole in his body. Give us another chance, we'll give you the lung shredding as bullets on the market.
Still, the effort might not be enough for many customers.
Those people over at Steel Hawk ought to be shot in the face and from their families. Many gun owners have said the recall has been so frustrating they will no longer use bullets, returning to more low-tech methods like beating victims with spiked clubs or dragging them behind their cars. |
TheOnion | Olympic_Village_Tour_See_Where_The_Athletes_Live_Train_And_Fuck_Each_Other | And while we've already seen plenty of action at the various Olympic venues where the athletes compete, where are the over 2,500 Olympians living during their time in Sochi? Well, our own Rebecca Mera takes us on a tour of the 2014 Sochi Olympic Village. Well, I'm here in the heart of Sochi's Olympic Village, where top-tier athletes from around the world will spend the next two weeks sleeping, eating, training, fucking each other, hanging out, relaxing, and coming. Let's go check it out. This is where we live, train, everything during the Olympics.
Not too much to complain about, huh? No.
The rooms are great, too. We have a full-size bed, lounge area, showers, plenty of space, which is great because I'm constantly having sex in there. The Village is a temporary home to the world's most physically impressive athletic men and women who've worked their entire lives to get here. So it was important for the Olympic Committee to give them a comfortable, state-of-the-art area to fuck each other's brains out while they're not competing. We have a pool where they can have sex, a theater where they can have sex, a restaurant where they can have sex. Anything they need, we have it. Boutique shopping? Absolutely. All these athletes are hot, horny, ready to go. They deserve the best. The Olympic Committee says the 24-hour cafeteria has plenty of options, from McDonald's to gourmet pasta. And since it's very important for the athletes to stay healthy, all the nutritional information is included. But all these calories have to go somewhere, which is why the facility includes this fully-eclipped gym where athletes can keep fit and soak each other's perfect bodies in male and female ejaculate. I was in Vancouver in 2010 where I got eaten out by this French speed skater. And I have to say, these facilities are even better, and I'm going to try to fuck a Japanese guy. They did a great job.
You know, it's just such a dream to be here. And the Village really feels like a home away from home. It's got everything we need! And it really does. The Village features a fully-stocked medical facility, a dentist office, even a postal service. And the best part?
It's all eco-friendly. We have a water recycling system, as well as solar panels and a green roof for the renewable energy. You've spared no expense.
These athletes deserve the best. They sacrifice so much for their countries. They deserve to be able to fuck until their dicks and pussies can't take it anymore. And these facilities won't go to waste, as President Putin has promised that once the Olympics are over, they'll be converted to a resort where Russian businessmen can come to fuck their prostitutes.
Thanks Rebecca! Next up, fuck it! Here's gymnastics. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_40_jim_haynes | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello, hello, thank you for tuning in to the Batutah Advocate radio show here on Desert Rock FM. My name is Clancy Overall and joining me for today's chat is Errol Parker, he's just out the back of the moment, taking a phone call from our local member David Littleproud. It seems the implosion of the coalition government is imminent because we know he'll probably get re-elected in this great reckoning of the May election but I don't think many other people will and they probably won't be in power so he's just asking for a few favours as these political types often do but he's certainly not going to get them here although we do appreciate the support of our local member. Now we've made our way back out to the desert after an amazing nationwide tour with the Batutah Advocate road show and we're finally being able to settle down into the festive season sitting out here in the 50 degree heat we're so used to out here in the Channel Country.
Coming to you live today from the Koala Mattress Studio down on Daru Street, yes thank you, thank you to our podcast sponsors Koala Mattresses. You can go to their website for a cheap mattress today, it'll save you a lot of running around if you are looking to spruce up your sleep hygiene, they've got all the things you need there. Now our guest this week is actually a master of storytelling and he's incredibly well versed in the Australian laconic type of humour and storytelling, spent a lot of time out in the bush as a teacher, spent a lot of time in the city as a teacher and really is from the same school as the Lawson Pattersons, toured with Slim Dusty in fact, he's done a fair bit of time out in the pubs as we've learnt with this new book he's written and we sat down with him in our little makeshift studio when we were down in Sydney for the roadshow, his name is Jim Haynes and he's just released a book called Best Australian Drinking Stories which is in all good bookstores right now and it is a great read, so without further ado, here is this week's show. Jim Haynes, how are you mate? I'm good, lovely to be here and catch you before you head back.
That's a great, that's a great sort of voice you got there, that's a great smooth radio voice. Oh well you know, I did start my career in country radio so I had, the first show I had on a little radio station up in northern New South Wales, they used to broadcast the local rugby league, they don't do that anymore and then there was a show called Back to the Bible and they had nothing between it so that was me, that was my, nobody listened but it was a lot of fun doing it. Yeah, you learn your way, so you are a radio background, author background, entertainer really? Yeah, so a bit of everything, you know, you have to be versatile, be out there ducking and weaving, making a quid, you can't just do one thing, there's not enough people.
Yeah, not in Australia? No. No, no, you can get away with that in the States can't you?
People in the States have made careers out of wobble boards and that kind of stuff. You can have a niche career in the USA and I remember Geraldine Doyle, remember her wonderful Irish comedian and she used to tour the States very successfully and you know, I said to her once, how do you do it? And she said, well there's an Irish circuit, you know, which is only small, only niche, only about 25 million people but that's it, away you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah and as you know, Australians do get that too, we got the, you know, Arsh Barker's and Jim Owens, you know, a lot of these guys end up setting up shop here, if they can do it I guess but you know, when you come from a country like Ireland, four million people, 25 million people in Australia looks like a big market. That's a big step up for some of those people.
Yeah, now you've just written a book, Jim, we've had a read of it, it's a great yarn, it is going to be on a lot of coffee tables on Christmas Day I reckon, because it's got those stories in them that you know your dad's going to want to read and it's the best Australian drinking stories. Yeah, look a lot of people buy my books which do tend to come out around this time of the year, you know, best Australian racing stories, best Australian sea stories, aviation stories always seem to come out around this late November, early December and people buy them for Uncle Fred who's difficult to buy for and that's what he gets for Christmas, whether he reads it or not I have no idea but a lot of, I sign a lot of them, you know, to Uncle Fred, Merry Christmas.
So what number's this one? This is number 26.
Jesus wept.
Yeah, yeah. Now you, and I think you've actually tapped into the more, yeah, like Uncle Fred he's hard to buy for because there's a bit, there's a bit of history in your books but there's also a lot of colloquialism and a lot of fun. Yeah, it's a, it's a balancing act between the history, the history has become more important to me over the years, you know, like this one started off as just a collection of very funny and amusing and sad as well, stories about drinking, there's stories by Ken Cook, Henry Lawson and, but then once you start to look at why they were the way they were and quite a few of them were alcoholics, you know, Lawson was an alcoholic, Lenny Lowe was an alcoholic, CJ Dennis, then you start to inadvertently collect the history and you know, you realise that we come from a nation who had a Prime Minister whose claim to fame was that he was in the world Guinness World Book of Records for being the best beer drinker in the world, and we had, rum was our currency for 18 years and we had this stupid six o'clock closing thing which, which gave us a society where men and women were separated and, and all sorts of, you know, social evils, crime, police corruption, all because of this link that seems more in our history than any other nation, the link between our history and alcohol. So did you start to collate these stories at the start of this year, or has this been a lifelong endeavour really? Yeah, these are, they sort of evolve, you know, I, one of the worst things about doing what I do is I sometimes write a book about something about which I know very little. One of my most successful books was the book of Australian trucking stories and, and you know, you can see by looking at me, I'm not, I'm not a sort of particularly rugged trucker, but luckily I did tour with Slim Dusty and I had some contacts and the trucking stories rolled in and the book was very successful. I researched the history of, you know, of, of trucking in Australia, which you can do. You only have to be one step ahead of your readers. And, and now I've got so many stories since then that we're probably ready for volume two. Once you, once you finish the book, all the good stories come in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a bit of catch me if you can, isn't it? Sometimes I've done three racing books of racing stories because I'm a racing tragic, but you know, with some of the others you think, Oh, do I really want to write another book of aviation stories? But the stories always come in at the end. Now tell us with the, with the railway stories, did you really strike a vein there? Because they, they are tragic. Absolutely.
I, uh, when I did the railway book, I did it with a mate of mine who has luggage racks on the walls of his house and has crockery with, with railway on it. You know, like he is a nut, this guy's a nut and you need someone like that because if you make a mistake with those railway people, we, we used to do a show too, where we did the history of railways. We sang a few songs, did some poems, you know, and I had these whistles, you know, got it down in Salamanca market, you know, woo woo. And we did a show for retired railwaymen and we had two complaints as, as they were leaving. And one was that we provided a railway meal. And one bloke said, that wasn't a railway meal. It was way too good to be a railway meal.
That was one complaint. The other bloke said, well, he said only one thing. He said, you know, that whistle you were blowing when you sang that song, I said, yeah. He said, well, that wasn't the whistle that was on the train that you were singing about.
So they just, they know it all, you know, and writing about what you don't know. That's why, you know, if I stick to racing and alcohol, I'm, I'm, I'm pretty safe territory.
Yeah. Right. Well, you, you find that with these things, once you start scratching the surface on it, you find the right guy to talk to and there's a, an underground network. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
That was really true of the trucking stories. I discovered a bloke who put together the Takata Memorial and I knew about that cause I toured with Slim Dusty and we always used to do a free show down there. And from there it just, you know, it just sort of snowballed out. There were all these other people and great stories and, and, and people that Aussies generally just, they just love telling you the stories, you know, oh, you've got to talk to my mate.
You know, it's, it's, it's usually quite a nice experience to put a book together and everybody, you know, is keen and helpful and so far, I haven't done one on politics yet, but. Yeah. Well, there's, there's always going to be a treasure trove of stories that are coming out of Canberra, isn't there? Yeah. I don't know if anyone really wants to hear them all again, but you know, it would be, I often think of good books, but you know, then my publishers remind me that I have to write books that people want to buy. And that stops me writing quite a few that I'd like to write, but you can do Canberra drinking stories because I reckon a lot of, a lot of political fuckups have happened over a few schooners. Absolutely.
When, when people were, you know, making decisions when they were one or two or five over the eight, that that would be for sure. Now tell us like, you know, between this book and you said you work with Slim Dusty, there's a lot of storytellers you've worked with. Like there's a lot of storytellers you've either written about or worked with. Is there, was there a link between Slim and this Lawson era? Because you know, Lawson, of course, his boss was Archibald, who's now, They had some good rows.
Yeah.
And they had, the Archibald prize is now named after his former employer and, and Lawson was sent out Bush to dry out, which never worked. Never.
And then of course, you know, Pat, Patterson and those, all that, they're rows. And then Slim used to sing songs written by both of them probably not a hundred years later, but Well, yeah.
A fair while later and Lawson died in 22 and, and Slim loved Henry Lawson at, at his memorial service, they played his favourite song, poem, whatever, which is a Lawson poem called Do You Think That I Do Not Know, which is, was Slim's favourite of all time. And he did a lot of albums of Henry Lawson. And I think that, you know, there's a, there's a letter in this book from Henry Lawson to the bulletin. And it's so honest. It's a little letter that he wrote one night in 1903.
And he said, why does a man drink? And you know, he wrote the letter to the bulletin asking, did anybody know why we drink? And he said, I drink because I'm sad and then when I get happy, I drink because I'm happy. He says, I drank because I was rejected and I got awfully drunk when I was accepted.
And you know, and it's a very honest, honest letter. And of course, a lot of his poetry was, was about that as a poem called Sweeney, which Slim made into a song, which is really about Henry Lawson himself telling a drunk how he should behave and, and so on. So, you know, Henry's a very strong link between the past and, and that sort of thread of alcohol that, that runs through. Because he, you know, he really invented mateship, Henry Lawson. He was a bloke who sort of wrote about it and, you know, there's a poem he wrote called a mate can do no wrong, no wrong. Doesn't matter what, what, what he does, a mate can do no wrong. So of course, mateship goes with alcohol in, in Australian history very much.
And he was, you know, an interesting character because he was jailed nine times for non-payment of maintenance for his kids and alcoholism. And, but he was the first, first person in New South Wales to get a state funeral. So that shows you the link between alcohol and our history, doesn't it? You know, a drunk derelict, he had nothing at the end of his life. He was being looked after by people who he really never, you know, showed much gratitude to, to be honest. And, and yet he's the first bloke we give a state funeral to.
Did they give one to Banja? No, he didn't get one.
So he got the absolute last laugh then, didn't he? Well, yeah. Nice guy's finished last. Yeah.
And, and we can't even visit Banja because he was cremated. But you mentioned J.F. Archibald, who was the editor of The Bulletin, who Lawson had massive rows with because Archibald tried to edit his work and make it better. And they're buried out at Waverley Cemetery, luckily on opposite sides of the cemetery.
Because I reckon if you go out there at midnight, there'd be an awful row going on out there. Now tell us, tell us some of these, like, in what you've kind of learned about, you know, Australian history and how it's been shaped around. And, you know, a lot of wowsers will tell you that, you know, the pub and the grog and, you know, and knockoff and the six o'clock swill and all that kind of stuff actually didn't, like, you know, shouldn't have played such a big role in the day to day life of Australians, but it obviously did. To the point now where you're looking at a similar setup in Sydney and Newcastle and certain towns in New South Wales where there is no night trade. And it's a similar thing. I wouldn't say it's full blown Temperance League. But, you know, it sounds like something that people are going to have to look back on and see, geez, things got pretty grim there for a while.
Yeah, they did. And it affected us. I think it's still there today. When I was a kid, six o'clock closing had ended in New South Wales. Ended in 54, I think, or 56. So, but it was still there.
Men still went and drank like crazy after work, and they didn't take their wives out for a drink or a pleasant meal and a drink because you couldn't because women weren't allowed in that bar. And, you know, that was the problem with the six o'clock closing, that it gave us this culture of drinking boozing shouts because, you see, only at a limited time. So if we went into a pub, the three of us, we could all buy 12 beers, you know, for the shout.
And so would everybody else. So you drink them as quickly as possible and then vomit on the way home, you know.
And the women who, you know, lobbied for it, the Temperance League, their slogan was, we want our men at home. Well, they got them at home drunk just about every night. And they had, it was a big thing in the 18, started in the 1820s, the Temperance League, and then the Salvation Army came along and boosted it.
But they had, women used to sign a pledge, lips that touch liquor will never touch mine. And they were told, you know, never marry a man who who drinks as opposed to, you know, Barry McKenzie's well known saying, never trust a man who doesn't drink, which is more the Australian sort of cliche, I guess.
But the six o'clock closing was a terrible thing. It handed, it handed crime straight into the hands of, of criminals or, you know, because you couldn't drink after six o'clock, but somebody was going to sell it.
Yeah. You know, So did Australia have that speakeasy culture? Did it have, do you know if it was there, was it, I mean, I don't know if we had the Appalachian moonshiners. I think we had a few rum stills around in the back of the days of the rum rebellion. But yeah, it was never that bad because it wasn't complete prohibition, you know. So it caused different problems, I think. He was drinking for one. Yeah.
And people accepted that these laws were stupid. I think that's, that was part of the problem. My mum was a decent, hardworking, working class, church-going woman who'd never been in a pub in her life. But even she realised that, you know, it was stupid, you know, and if you wanted to buy a beer on Sunday afternoon or after six o'clock, there was someone who'd sell it to you. And she thought, well, you know, what's wrong with that? So decent people accepted that these laws were pretty stupid. And that didn't, you know, that didn't help. And when the Royal Commission ended the six o'clock closing in New South Wales, the judge who presided said that this was an obvious evil, that it was causing all sorts of terrible social problems in our society.
And of course, the clubs, the clubs came along as a result of after World War Two, because people needed somewhere where they could go that was, you know, relatively decent place to have a drink and take your wife and that sort of stuff. And, and of course, that, that then helped create the gambling problem, because they were supported by the poker machine. So one thing leads to another. It's interesting to see when Clancy and I were in Melbourne on the road show, it seems that the pubs there, they were a lot more keen to have you in, because they didn't have the poker machines. So they'd rather, you know, have a couple of piss blokes in there, as opposed to having a room full of people who aren't, but the people who, who gamble as they do in in Queensland and New South Wales. Yeah, well, I mean, that that's happened in in fairly recent times, hasn't it? The pubs have now got poker machines as well. Used to be clubs had pokies, but they were community centres. Pubs didn't have them. Now, you know, the pubs have them and that that's, that's caused the clubs to struggle.
So, you know, the thing about the six o'clock closing, 1916, there was a huge riot of soldiers in Liverpool, near Sydney. And they wrecked the pubs in Liverpool. They came into Sydney and people were terrified because there were 15,000 trainee soldiers with, with firearms roaming the city.
And that's why they voted. It was four months before they had the vote. And the year before the Labor government had said, we won't close the pubs. It used to be 11 o'clock all across, until 1916, everywhere in Australia, 11 o'clock. They said, we won't do it. And they got elected with a healthy majority. Now, only a few months later, after the soldiers riot, people voted two to one to close the pubs at six o'clock thinking it seemed like a good idea at the time.
But, you know, it, it turned out to not be a good idea at all. Bit of knee jerk, knee jerk populism. Now tell us on, on that vein of, um, excessive drinking. And, and of course that isn't the, the, the, uh, you know, for a lot of people that doesn't define, uh, you know, pub culture in Australia. Um, but for a lot of people it does.
And there was one bloke in Coober Pedy who, uh, who appears in your book, who may have been sent to jail for a very long time if he drove home from the pub that night. Oh my heavens, isn't that Ivan? And it's a great story. Ken Cook was a great storyteller. You know, he was a true Aussie and he wrote some very funny stories. And I think there were three or four in the book, but he also understood Aussies. And of course he wrote that scary novel, which became a movie called wake in fright. And, uh, it's, it's his story. And, um, I know his, his widow quite well. So I wouldn't, I'd never say that he'd write anything that wasn't true, but, uh, it's a bet.
And of course, when you go to a place like lightning Ridge and Coober Pedy, you're in another universe. You're, you're in a universe of men who, you know, haven't existed since Neanderthals died out a lot of them. So that silver, that opal, that silver, you see it in broken Hill and Mount Isa a bit as well, that kind of remote madness.
Yep. And, uh, and of course, you know, this man is, the bet is that he can't drink a hundred stubbies. And, uh, I'll, I'll let people find out by reading the book, what happens at the end. Yeah. How much is that? That's, that's, what's that? That's a hundred times what? 375 mil. Yeah. I've no idea, but, uh, I would have, I would have thought that nobody could survive it. But as you said, the character Ivan in that story is hardly normal. Yeah. And also it's stubbies too, cause they're that far out.
They don't really have draft beer. No, they don't have draft beer.
And that's the other interesting thing about, you know, we, we've always had this reputation of being a nation of beer drinkers, but you know, until the 1880s, uh, it wasn't beer that people drank in Outback pubs because there was no refrigeration. Yeah. And, uh, one of the great ironies for me is that, uh, uh, our most famous beer overseas, Fosters, you know, and if you've lived overseas, you spend half your time telling people we don't drink that at home because they've done such a good job of marketing it. But Fosters was actually set up by two American brothers who came out here to sell refrigeration and they went to Melbourne and one was a bit chunky.
He was being chased. He'd done a few naughty things back home and he owed a lot of money.
And, um, they came to Melbourne to sell refrigeration, which was new technology. And they thought the best way we can show this technology is to, you know, give people a beer and say, look at that. That's, you know, that's what refrigeration is. So they created Fosters Brothers Brewery. They sold it two years later and went away. And, uh, and now it's supposed to be the most Australian beer worldwide. It was invented by Americans and they, they, uh, were only here to sell fridges or refrigeration. Tell us a little bit about the New South Wales beer, the Reshes.
They were brothers as well, weren't they? Yeah.
Look, most of those, uh, pubs, uh, or, or the big ones, uh, Castlemaine. Castlemaine is an interesting one. Now, of course, it's Castlemaine. It's a famous beer in Queensland, but actually started its life as Castlemaine because it was in Victoria where Castlemaine is what they say.
And, um, that was started by two Irish brothers who, and then it amalgamated into a huge conglomerate of Carlton United and a whole pile of, uh, uh, breweries that got together. But the funny thing is, I got that great trivia question. You know, what was Forex called before it was Forex? And sadly it was called 3X. It was a beer that Foster's brewed called 3X, and then they changed the recipe. And, uh, of course now it's what, uh, how Queenslanders spell beer.
Yeah. That's how Forex came about. Yeah, yeah.
No, there's a, there's a lot of, um, a lot of different, um, moments in, in history with that, that kind of, there was Brisbane, Brisbane Bitter popped up for a while there. I'm not sure if that was with the Powers family, but it was, it was something that was, uh, and it didn't last very long. It was Bulimba Bitter, Brisbane Bitter, and Brisbane Bitter used to get called, and this is, would have been a brand marketing nightmare. They used to call it Brisbane River.
Right. Well, there were, there were breweries in all the larger country towns, you know, there was Mudgee Mud and there was, uh, the beer at Grafton had a reputation. That gets a mention in the pub with no beer, you know, because, uh, the bloke who couldn't get a beer moved onto Grafton because there's a brewery there where the brewery stands near. And the wonderful story again by Ken Cook in the book is The Drunken Kangaroo. Yeah. Which is about when his dad was a police sergeant at Brewarrina in, I can't imagine Brewarrina having its own brewery, but it did. And, uh, uh, the pet kangaroo who lived next door to them, uh, became an alcoholic because he started eating all the, all the waste product, the slops from the, from the brewery. A very funny story. That tells, some of these towns have still got their soft drink, uh, Yes. their soft drink operations. Yeah.
They're still, you know, Maury's got one. Yeah Maury, I was trying to think, what is it?
And there's a coal company in Bourke too. Kirks, I think is, that's another rural one, but yeah, they did that. You know, it was a lot more local in those days. You had, you know, not only the things that you couldn't get any other way, like the butcher and, you know, the, and the baker, because it was too far to go to get, you know, the meat would have been rotten and, and the bread stale. But, uh, they also, you know, towns did have their own, uh, breweries and their own soft drink companies.
And, uh, it's, it's all changing now. Now tell us what, what, do you have anything in mind after this?
I mean, you've done, you've done your, your racing stories and the spring carnival was just finished this year. Um, it's always a busy time for a punter, but, uh, there's, uh, have you done any other particular Australian sports? Uh, no, I haven't. I've been tempted to do, um, tennis and, and AFL. And, and many years ago I did a whole album of supposed comedy songs about rugby league, uh, for, uh, uh, festival records just before they went out of existence.
Probably had a bit to do with it, but, um, uh, I think the problem racing is, is, uh, the two sports that you can write about endlessly in Australia are racing and cricket because cricket fans and racing tragics read books. They, they, you know, they're just, if you're a cricket fan or a racing fan, you're into numbers and statistics and history, you know, and, uh, they tend to read books. Whereas maybe, um, tennis wouldn't have enough and enough people across the general public, you know, and, and, uh, And rugby league fans prefer variety shows on Sunday night. I did write a book of, uh, called the, uh, ABC book of Australian country music, which they thought was a very good idea, but I did have a, an editor at the time who shall remain nameless, Stuart Neil, who, uh, who, when this idea came up said, well, do you think that country music fans read and then he hesitated and added books, but, um, it turned out that he was quite right. Country music, people buy CDs and you've got to understand your market. And, um, that book, uh, didn't exactly get me to the French Riviera.
So, well, hopefully this one does. Well, I hope so too, because they have some lovely wine over there. I could keep researching for volume two. Yeah. Great wino stories. Thanks for talking to us today. Um, I think, uh, this will be, like I said, a staple, um, in stockings and on coffee tables around the country come Christmas day. And, uh, there's plenty of stories in there that, yeah, as we said before, the a hundred stubby bet in Cuban PD is, uh, is one to get onto and find out what happened to him. And some funny poems too, you know, about homebrew and various other things, uh, to, to maybe, you know, uh, go, go there with the history, which, which gets a bit, uh, you know, if you want to understand the way we are today, uh, a few of the little history lessons in there about our association with alcohol might, uh, might give you an insight Yeah.
There was one that I, I really liked about the, uh, about the guy who, who, uh, he came across a big dog and then he decided that he was hungry and the dog was hungry. And, uh, he ordered up a couple of pies with him and the dog.
That is a very old story that used to be anthologized all the time. Uh, it's, it's called the lobster and the lioness by Ernest O'Farrell. And, and, you know, one of the joys of what I do and, and, you know, it's no profit in it really, but he'd been forgotten. You know, Ernest O'Farrell was completely fit.
He used to write the Chunderloo ads for, uh, uh, Cobra boot polish, uh, that, uh, Norman Lindsay and Lionel Lindsay drew the pictures, which is where we get our word Chunder, you know, Chunderloo vacuum food was this Indian cartoon character who, uh, went to war in world war one and, and, um, uh, you know, he, he, uh, he saved us from all sorts of things and, and he was a comic character. He would be completely, um, you know, out today, you just politically incorrect to the nth degree, but, uh, he, it became rhyming slang in world war one between the soldiers, you know, uh, I'm, I'm going to have a Chunderloo, which made us a spew and, uh, and then they just left off the loo bit. And so that's where we get our word Chunder, but Ernest O'Farrell used to write the little poems that went with the ads that were drawn by Norman Lindsay.
And it's a very funny story. It's an old fashioned story, the lobster and the lioness, but it, it has a lot of chuckles.
Now tell us as someone who grew up in, in Sydney and kind of in the, uh, inner East, I guess you could say went to school. Did you ever meet anyone, um, you know, that might've reminded you of an iconic, uh, fictional character that came out of Sydney at that time was Les Norton. And, um, he's a big hit in Western Queensland because that's where he's purportedly from before he ended up in Bondi, um, as, as a gay nightclub bouncer and, uh, could have been rugby league star. Did you ever meet anyone like that growing up?
Uh, I met characters growing up because I was hanging around racing stables, even then, hanging around the city, nickels racing stable. And I used to, you know, clean out and they, they pretended that I worked there, you know, I think they gave me 10 Bob or something, but, uh, um, there were real characters there and, uh, particularly racing people. And what I realised is that the glamour of racing, uh, you know, with it, with the Aga Khan and all these people, there's a hell of a lot of derelicts and deadbeats down the bottom working in stables.
And, uh, but I, I think the character who I've made the most use of in my, all my writing, um, I have a character called Dipso Dan, who is the town drunk of Wheeler Barraback, my little iconic home town, which if you're looking for it, it's on the West Australia, New South Wales border. And, uh, he's based on a very, very real bloke that I knew for six years in a country town where I was teaching, uh, and very, very much based on that character who was incredibly tragic character and, and, you know, a very funny bloke because he was the town drunk. That was his, that was his, uh, position in life. And he went about it very seriously. And I've written a lot about Dipso Dan, comedy and, and some, you know, true stories as well, but I've always disguised the character. I, I, uh, I've never let on who he actually was, but if people who know where I was teaching might be able to work it out for themselves.
And that's what you think you find. You found a lot of, uh, undesirables in, where would you say you'd meet the most kind of characters in bush racing or in the city? Oh, I think those racings fairly, uh, across the board, you know, I mean, you do meet the characters out in the Bush who are racing identities and one particular one who's on the, on Fox, who mangles the English language to the point where it's comedic, you know, he can't make a sentence without mangling the language and changing tenses five times and using adjectives instead of adverbs. And I love that, but he's, he's actually very good at what he does and I back his tips quite often. So those people are out there more so in the Bush, I think, you know, and now in the city racing, such a big business, you've really got to be on the ball and, you know, it's full of, uh, fairly well-trained media people and, and so on.
And they, they teach the jockeys now to speak very well. Remember in the old days where they used to interview the jockey, you never knew what it was, you know, well, he done good, but to now they also be able to, to speak and be interviewed and, and, and, uh, do it very well.
Yeah. They've got the football on the sideline type thing. They'll have their kids with them after a race. You know, it's kind of very wholesome compared to when they were back in the day, having a diary and kind of looking a bit shifty. Yes.
The Tommy Radonica school of, uh, but you still get, you know, with the football, this, I think the AFL do a pretty good job, uh, of, uh, you know, uh, media training for their footballs. Rugby league can still be a bit rough around the edges at times.
And of course, most of the soccer coaches, they can't speak English at all.
And they're passionate too. Yep. Very yelling. Well, thanks for coming in. Oh, my pleasure. It was fun. We, uh, we you've, you've written, what was it? 20, 26, 26 books. And, uh, there's something there for everyone. So, um, uh, you should start with this one, uh, best Australian drinking stories by Jim Haynes. It's, uh, all good bookstores and even the bad ones. Yeah.
And the bad ones. I don't think there are any bad ones left now.
I think they're called the post office as well. My books do get in the post office and, uh, and they're also on the website, of course, and got a special deal.
Buy, buy two, get one free this Christmas and give them to uncle Fred. Uncle Fred, Fred is the archetype. He's the core demo and you'll love it too.
Yeah. Thanks Jim. And that was Jim Haynes.
Hell of a storyteller there. He's got plenty of stories and it sounds like he's got a fair few more in mind after this one. So we hope he, uh, he finds a time and the creative juices to get, get through all of those ones. Personally, I'd like to see a great Australian newsroom journalism behind the scenes type story. And I'm sure he's learned a lot in his time in the pubs because that's where you're going to hear all those yarns or else you could just go see the Batut of every road show.
The next time we go on tour, but that won't be happening for a while. So thanks to everyone who did come out and see us. Uh, we had a great time seeing all the different corners of this country and we are surprisingly heading into Christmas with a few extra kilos. So, uh, expect to see a more plump Errol Parker and Clancy overall in the new year. Anyway, that's it for this week. We hope you are enjoying, uh, the early, early days of December. We see the decorations are already up in the shops and we're going to get bombarded with Christmas right through.
So, uh, enjoy yourselves. Be kind to each other. I'm Clancy overall. You're listening to the radio show, please stay out of the pokies. |
dropout | dinosaur_office_new_year_s_eve_party | Dinosaur office! Happy New Year! My New Year's resolution is to clean the garage! There's too much clutter!
See Craig, all the kittas staying awake is eating coffee and drinking candy! Coffee, candy, candy, coffee, whoa! Aren't you worried about crashing?
Argh!
Craig, do you want some of my sinus medication? I'm concerned for you! Wait, did you take this? It's drowsy. Oh no! Looks like it's just you and me, Todd! What's your strategy?
I'm reading a Clive Kussler-Saurus novel! It's an action-packed thrill ride from start to finish!
And done! Whoa! Uh-oh! And it looks like the meteor is almost here! Three, two, one! Happy New Year! I did it!
Craig!
Oh no! Did I sleep through New Year's? It's Monday morning. You slept through the entire holiday weekend. Ugh! I don't even feel rested! |
dropout | harry_potter_and_the_douchebag_magicians | How is defense against the dark arts, Hermione? Awful! I don't care if these new professors are respected in their world. I never thought I'd have to learn magic from a muggle. Voldemort! Potter, the time has come for you to die.
Let's go. No, I have to do this. Patrificus Tertiary! Wait. Professor Criss Angel! Oh, hey Ron. Don't worry. I'm here to freak his mind. Oh, thank goodness.
Gravity. Scientists say it keeps us on the ground. But with one's head in the clouds, who needs to be...grounded? Of course! A levitation charm!
Just look at it from over there. Just look at it from the side.
Mind freak! No!
There's no one to save you now, Harry. I don't need to be saved.
This is my destiny. Patrificus Tertiary! Professor Copperfield, this is not your fate. I must do this without your help. Is he helping? Maybe he's...summoning a patronus. Put me down! Come on, Ernie. Use fun and incantatum like we learned in spells today.
But Harry, I can't. I know it's dangerous, but you... No, I mean I didn't learn it. It was too hard to hear Professor Blaine. Well, excuse me for trying to do something historic.
Fuck me! Patrificus Tertiary! Here's an illusion. Someone who thinks they're both pro-life and for the death penalty. Now that's bullshit!
Yeah, just do it. I'm going to wear you down, Voldemort. Six more weeks of this. Come down every few hours for a pee break, though. Otherwise it would be really, really hard. |
cracked | justin_roiland_has_finally_been_replaced_in_a_rick_and_morty_video_game | Justin Roiland has finally been replaced in a Rick and Morty video game It's been over a year since Rick and Morty creator Justin Roiland was fired by Adult Swim and replaced by two arguably better actors Ian Cardone and Harry Belden who now voiced the titular duo Even though the change was near imperceptible and we've all accepted the swap and moved on with our lives Some vestiges of Roiland's voice work have continued to linger Obviously Roiland's voice can still be heard in old episodes of the show But he also seemingly supplied the voice of Rick and Morty in the upcoming video game Multiversus.
For those of you over the age of 11, Multiversus is the game where Warner Brothers discovery-owned characters beat the crap out of each other In the open beta version of the game that was made available Rick and Morty were voiced by Roiland because unlike the other multiverse characters Their lines were cobbled together using recycled audio clips from the TV show A lot of fans weren't happy with what seemed like a pretty half-assed approach to the characters But this past week a full trailer was released for the game's official launch on May 28th Sure enough as the gamer confirmed Cardone will voice Rick in the game and Belden will reprise the role of Morty.
Forget it.
Forget me |
cracked | cracked_announces_some_big_projects_comikaze_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another Cracked is in downtown LA at Kamikaze. It's the kind of place where people make big reveals And I'm digging into my little red notebook of crack secrets to bring you our comic con convention announcements We are definitely doing a second season of rom.com. They announced it on tumblr But November 10th is the next after hours.
We do those every month. So obviously well, that's about it I mean there was another meeting about the big stuff. I was not Wasn't but if Am I gonna be some new guy forever some nobody with a phone doing his stupid little jokes What chance do any of us little guys have what do you do if you're just a forgotten voice?
Like Filmy scoops net or movie junk dot biz or rolling stone magazine Well, I mean, I guess they can just publish a lot of clickbaity rumors And then you couch the rumors and weasel words, so you're carefully not lying but lying but like I would never Rumor has an agents of cracked returns next week for a crossover with agent Carter She and the chief You know you get it, you know, the sources say gladstone and Adam Todd Brown are starting a band for like dubstep I mean for dubstep the new Star Wars will feature Just click already. Come on Jack O'Brien and Dan O'Brien are related if that is what this Chinese blog tweet is about spider-man died Maybe Game of Thrones star Emilia Clarke was seen out on the town canoodling with a certain famous personality And also there is a picture of Sorin here. Holly police. Oh, oh eats people What's he gonna do sue me Europe or something shit? Those are our comic convention updates Thanks for watching and please stick around for a very funny ending allegedly Hey, I have two tips for you one if you subscribe to our channel You'll get all our videos more conveniently for free. Sounds great other tip Culver City, California There is a store that sells nothing but model trains You're welcome |
cracked | what_nobody_seems_to_understand_about_bitcoin_today_s_topic | Okay, man, watch it. Your life is falling apart all over my desk.
Do you get these? Stock options? Yeah. So how do I like...can I have them? Is that an option? I'm sorry, that's a stupid question, isn't it? Yeah. How do I make them be money? Stock is money, right? Yeah.
God, it's so stupid, you know? All of this fake money.
I just want to take my stock options out so that I can convert them into bitcoins. It's at a super good rate right now. I got a move. Whoa, wait, whoa.
You want to take your virtual money and convert it into fake virtual money? Fake virtual currency.
Get with the times. This is the future. Wall Street's on a microchip now. I'm just an early adopter. Well, the whole concept of money is just like a placeholder to represent the value of goods or labor. So you want to convert your theoretical options to buy stock in your company at a lower price point into the digital representation of pieces of paper that was created to simplify the barter of livestock?
Every second that you talk, I am losing stock options. You're divesting me.
You really should have gone through the thing. There was like a thing. They went over all of this. Read email more.
I don't need to understand stock options, except this once, obviously, to get rid of them. Everybody wants virtual currency. Trust me, it's paperless. You can do crimes with it. A guy just sold his house for bitcoins.
Yeah, but there's also been like a bunch of market crashes and like crazy instability. People in Diablo 3 stopped stabbing each other with a hamburger and suddenly you die penniless. Merely the hiccups of a new economy falling into place.
They're just now making laws to determine what happens to your bitcoins when you die. The value of bitcoins is being tracked by legitimate financial institutions. This is not an internet fad. This is how we go from paper money to cred sticks.
And I want in. Think of the implications. Yeah.
50 years from now, instead of working at McDonald's, high schoolers are going to be mining for bitcoins on a while after class. And when they do, they're going to be making me rich somehow. Plus, the McDonald's will probably be run by food making robots, so double plus go.
Well, you're kind of money. You are free to gamble with it, as you will. I am not gambling. I am merely betting my stocks and all of my savings that future people are going to want virtual currency. And whether it's measured in bitcoins or face bucks, I know I'm right. Michael, no. You are betting that bitcoins and only bitcoins will be the virtual currency of the future. You understand that, right? Also, you're not buying stock. You're selling your stock options to buy bitcoins.
Am I? I'm confused. I thought if I shuffled papers around long enough, you'd notice and help me. Tell me this.
The strike price.
Is that a bowling term? Or is it about bowling? Is that about? No. It wouldn't be about bowling, would it? Is it, though?
Okay, guys. A while ago, I told you that if you really wanted to marry me, like a lot of you have claimed, then to man up to offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can not refuse.
No one's done it yet. And I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know. I don't know if there's something else that you want from me to get these proposals coming.
But I'm funny. I'm great around the house. I have a cat.
So if you want to marry me, Katie Stoll, please, please, please submit your proposals online and subscribe. But most importantly, you must subscribe. Please? |
TheOnion | fat_kid_avoids_ridicule_by_swimming_with_shirt | An update to a truly inspirational story we first told you about earlier this week. I'm talking about Brian Pete, the fat boy from Richmond, Virginia, who successfully averted ridicule by swimming, get this, with his shirt on. Amazing. Now for those of you who aren't familiar, Brian, who's been fat since birth, was tired of being made fun of at the community pool. So when it came time to hit the water, Brian devised a plan to keep his upper body covered. Today, the Onion News Network has more on that fat little boy's big fat discovery.
A supersized welcome to you, my friend Brian. Thanks for being here. You bet. So Brian, for our viewers who may not be familiar with our story, tell us what happened.
Well, I kept my shirt on when I was swimming. Yes, you did, but it was a lot more than that because that shirt shielded you from the ridicule of others. It made them completely unaware of your oversized stomach and a pair of floppy breasts.
Isn't that right? Yeah, no one left. Wonderful.
So Brian, at the pool, without the shirt on, the children made fun of you? Yes, they'd usually get made fun of because, well, before the shirt. What kind of names were these kids calling you at the pool?
Meathead, fatso, lard butt, willy the whale. Porky, hog, fat ass, double wide, butterball, those sorts of things, right? Yeah. Brian, how did you come up with the idea?
Well, I went into the bathroom stall like I normally would, and I just decided when I was about to take off my shirt, I'm just going to keep it on. Can you tell us a little bit about the shirt itself? Well, it was one of my white t-shirts. I usually wear them as undershirts because they sweat through my butt and down. Just a normal white t-shirt.
But when it got wet, it was like a protective shield against the laughter of the other kids at the pool. Yes. Being a porker and avert that sort of treatment from your peers. I'm just glad no one tripped me when I was at the pool and no one tried to throw my towel into the water or anything like that.
It's truly an inspirational story, Brian. We're so glad to have you into our studios in person.
And guess what? We're sending Brian down on the street with our weatherman, Steve Merck, who's got one of those big fire hoses. He's going to wet him down right there on the street in a white t-shirt, Brian. It's going to be a lot of fun. |
dropout | Hot_Potato_The_Sexiest_Monster_Ever | Oh, damn! This hot potato is fully loaded! Tell me about it, Fud!
Alright team, let's put an end to this palm to terror. Activate heat ray! The heat ray's broke! Please, we need that heat ray as soon as possible, otherwise we're gonna get fried.
Looks like something's slowing down the REO Speedwagon. Should it be about three minutes to fix?
That's just enough time to take this little quiz! No quizzes! Which Ultra Megatron team member are you? Why would you even need to take that quiz?
You are Brody. Actually, I took it earlier and it said I'm an Armin. What? The hell you are! I'm taking that quiz. Oh, me too! We are in the middle of battle! I've got my eyes on you, Ultra Megatron. Okay, question one.
What animal would you be so Sarah went with Duck? No, I didn't!
I feel like I could be an elephant because I'm so intelligent, but then I could also be a cheetah because I'm fast and I'm also kind of a loner. You know, I've been that way since I was around five years old when my parents died.
They were coming home from a party. Hey, Trish, I'm gonna need you to focus on fixing that heat ray.
You're right. I'm a duck. Duck. Cool. Ooh! Hot potato, hot potato. Alright, question two.
Where is your dream vacation spot? I'm in for the fun!
Where? Yes, where? Anywhere but here! Okay, anywhere but here for Sarah. Who's an option?
We also have beach, island, or mountain. You know your boy is mountain. Not my boy is mountain. What is the difference between beach and island?
It doesn't matter! Anywhere but here, I guess. Okay, cool. Please, Armin, throw the bomb! Fine. Armin!
Pay attention, Trish! I need that heat ray! Few more seconds! That's just enough time for our last question. No more questions! Oh, God! It's time!
How would you describe yourself? Tactical leader, skilled fighter, tech wunderkind, or party dude?
Oh, my God. They're multiplying. Go, my taser tots! Mess! I need that heat ray! You know what? Skilled fighter. Cool. That's what I put, too. Tactical leader?
Well, that's a little bit Sarah's. Trish, please focus! I'll put Sarah down.
I really need that heat ray! Heat ray's ready!
Finally! All right! The results are in. Armin, you got Armin. Yes!
Trish, you got Sarah. Oh, cool! Sarah's awesome. And Sarah, you got Brody. How is that possible? I answered all the same answers as Trish!
Well, yeah, you copied. That's a very Brody thing to do. You copied. I didn't copy her. You copied.
You always want to be like... This is weird. Does anyone else feel like potatoes? Yes! That's so weird, right?
We just killed a giant, sexy potato. I could murder a baked potato right now.
Oh, hey, kids. That video was a lot of fun. But you know what's not fun? Ads. Kind of like this one.
Yeah, you can watch the rest of this episode on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today. And never have to see us in another ad again.
Huh. Ultra Mechatron team. Whoa!
I will study everything there is to know about partying. You can just come to the party. I will socialize so hard that I will be known as the ultimate animal of partying. |
cracked | why_roland_emmerich_is_the_only_person_living_in_a_pre_9_11_world_opcd_bonus_footage | I'm going to theorize why Roland Emmerich is the only man alive who can make a die-hard movie.
When the Twin Towers 9-11'd, everything changed. But did everything change?
No. One man stayed the same. And that man is Roland Emmerich. Because the only forms of media that Roland Emmerich consumes are other Roland Emmerich movies. He has no idea that we're supposed to be living in a post-9-11 world where movies are cynical and bitter and dark and gritty and bleh and bleh, shh, even our post-9-11 Superman is brooding and whiny. Can I just keep pretending I'm your son? But Roland Emmerich doesn't know that, because Man of Steel wasn't a Roland Emmerich movie and neither was the footage of September 11th, so Roland Emmerich never saw them. He is the only director we have who is still somehow living in a pre-9-11 world. Which is why he is the only man on the planet who can make die-hard the way it was supposed to be made.
Which brings me to my next point. The Holocaust... Are we out of time?
Okay. Uh... That's fine. That's enough for an episode. It was a good episode. Thanks for sticking around with me. Tune in next time when our topic will be an episode of Game of Thrones I wrote performed with action figures. That's... That is a 44-minute episode. Cool. Yes.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna give it to you.
Uh... I'll tell you about the time I was cut. No, you didn't. That's a little finger. Tell me all about it. You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Whoa! I can just do it right now. If you're feeling saucy like me, you like our videos. There's... I thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I... What? Thank you. Click subscribe. Think about it. Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and salad.
We got there.
All right. I'm gonna... |
dropout | should_you_masturbate_naked | All right, I'm going out Slow down there Chris your roommates gonna be gone a while treat yourself jack off naked good call feels better that way Don't listen to him Christopher need to rub one out quick. He could be home any minute You're right. My roommate catches me jacking it.
He'll tell everyone and ruin my life again.
He's probably at class Class grab some jurgens make it David. Why not right Christopher?
It's too risky you need to keep your pants on so if you hear his keys jinkling you can tuck your boner It'll take 10 minutes top. It'll take 20 minutes just to find the perfect clip.
Okay.
Okay What if I called him and found out when he was gonna get home idiotic? He's gonna know great idea Hey, dude, I was just wondering what time you're gonna get home Why Why? He is on to you. Your only option is an under-the-pants tug Nah get naked under the blankets if he gets home pretend you're sleeping He's not gonna believe you were sleeping in the middle of the day with a laptop in your lab Maybe I was writing a paper and I passed out for my exertion That's a scar Passing traffic.
You don't know that Christopher.
It's not worth it jack off later, please There's not gonna be a later Your loser roommates gonna hang out in the room all night and you know that you don't get a lot of opportunities like this You need to seize the day Lose the pants make love to your hand I'm going for it. All right You too, yeah fuck it. Oh Don't tell God You |
cracked | 7_white_lies_that_get_free_stuff_out_of_big_companies_just_by_lying_today_s_topic | Did you, like, intercept a bunch of military care packages? Oh, the military, Jesus!
I didn't even think of that angle. No, this is all free stuff. How many credit cards did you sign up for? None. Didn't have to sign up for any because of this. Is debt going to come out of your mouth because I can't handle that? No, I got it by complaining.
Like, this complimentary weekend I just scored at the Howard Johnson in Portland. I just sent a form letter to all these hotels about the hotel stay from hell, bedbugs, night gropes, the works, and I said it only in the areas where I want to stay. Guaranteed, one of them will send me a complimentary weekend. One time I got four free rooms in Houston, all the same dates. I pooped exclusively in virgin toilets the whole weekend. Yeah, I hear Houston's the town for that.
So by free stuff, you mean stuff you stole by lying? Earned by lying. It's not all libelous either.
That's just my forte. I got a lot of complimentary letters that I sent to food companies, mostly gives me canned goods and cheeses. How do you write a letter that compliments both cheese and soup without ending? These were creamy a lot. Like, too much. I see.
And the bounty of feminine products? Oh yeah, it's Feminine Hygiene Week at the Kroger Free Sample website. Target, Walmart, Kmart, they all have these sites where you can order any of the free sample products that you're entitled to and they'll ship them to you for free. And this week it was tampons and clearly I am very entitled.
You don't even have to have a vagina. They don't care. I did send them a Photoshop picture though, so probably no more water from that well.
It's like going to Costco on the weekend without leaving the comfort of your own home. And paying with words. Get a slice of this freebie pie, lady. This is my entire life. I spent $17 last month outside of rent. 17. Jesus. What is a day in your life like? I'm glad you asked.
First, it's free breakfast at IKEA. Then I serve FreeCycle.org to see if there's any phones that I can get and trade in for store credit. This is one of them. While listening to a public domain audiobook on LiberVox.com. Then it's Panda Express for lunch where you can get any free menu item in a full portion as long as you claim that you've never tried it before. Yeah, but Panda Express though, crime isn't worth the punishment.
Then if it's Tuesday, I go to the Sears outlet where I am entitled to one free item of clothing thanks to the rewards program. Okay, and if it's not Tuesday? I just hang out outside the Goodwill, wait for people to drop off bags of clothes on the curb. I leave a phone though. Explain so much about your fashion sense. So what do you do for dinner? Oh, thank you for reminding me. It's risotto samples at Trader Joe's today. So you heading out then? Yeah, I got to get to bed early tonight. I got a big day tomorrow.
I traded a bunch of soda cans for amusement park tickets. Apparently, at SeaWorld, you can get all the free churros you want as long as you say that a seagull stole yours. Thank you. For my encore, I'm going to go to Disneyland with a child, tell them that he has ADD, and get front of the line passes. Yeah, but where are you going to get the kid?
I've said too much. No, the opposite of that. I'm obviously asking because you said too little.
Hello, thanks for watching whatever video that was. I hope you liked it. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel and click the like button. And if you would, leave a comment, list your 10 favorite crack videos in a playlist and submit that, and maybe we'll share it on our channel with millions of people that don't subscribe to your channel. |
cracked | how_classic_disney_movies_made_an_entire_generation_suck | Hey, did you hear about this Pixar's Brave Phenomenon? Like Pixar thought that John Travolta's Phenomenon was like a Brave Career Move or something.
That's not a thing. I don't know what I'm saying.
Strong female protagonist, dude. That's my jam. I feel like you're, you want to say something here so I'm just going to let you go. Thank you. Yes.
Are generations children's fiction? And compare it to this generation's. Who do they get? Harry Potter. Being a wizard, saving the world, Dora out exploring, kids getting shit done, role models. Yeah, but we got the classics, you know, like Lion King and Little Murms. No, see, those movies are the reason that we are possibly the worst generation.
What, that love can conquer anything? Even fish legs? You want to talk Ariel? Yeah. Straight up, disobeys her family's wishes, makes a deal with the devil, all so that she can bone a guy that she's never spoken to before. You think her DNA is different? No. What if they have a baby? You're going to have a murmurmaid, like mostly a dude, but one leg is scaly with weird toenails. The thing can't live on land or sea or in space because what can? It was all surprisingly logical until the bit at the end. The point being, don't teach little girls that they can go over to the dark side and everything's going to be fine. That's how you raise a generation of prostitutes, my friend. What about Lion King, all right?
Nothing's wrong with owning your own place in the circle, a life thing, and you just become a boss king, that's like, that's the point of the whole thing. Right, but how do you become king? Everyone in your ways got to get got. I mean, Scar kills dad, son kills Scar. This game of thrones up in this pride land, and kids, they're not going to get political nuance or moral gray area. To them, the message is to become the king, you kill the king.
You may as well play an Easy E album for two hours. So you're saying that it's not just screwing up girls, it's all kids in general. Girls mostly, though. I mean, take Beauty and the Beast. What, everyone gets a second chance and treat others as you want to be treated?
Yeah, real terrible, Mike. Belle is the beast's prisoner. He spends the whole first act insulting her and almost slaps her, but oh, he's got a good heart. But he did. At the end, he was like a hot dude all along. That's even worse. Oh, your boyfriend's abusive, but it's okay, he's going to be handsome later. He couldn't help it. He was a beast, man. He had, like, beast problems, and he couldn't control it.
I'm so sorry, baby, I love you so much. The anger just fills me. I get mixed up. How are you so good at this? I know for a fact that you're hammered right now.
Lunchback and Notre Dame. You're a cool dude, but no, you can't have the girl because you're too ugly. The fox and the hound. Yeah, bro, we totally bonded, but no, we can't be friends because we're from different societal strata or whatever. Snow White.
When in doubt, pass the fuck out. Someone will be along, shortly, to kiss you while you're unconscious. I know, but as impressive as it is, as it is, it doesn't fill the void inside of me. Well, this took a turn.
I just want a prince to save me. I just want to wake up. Wake up, Mike, wake up.
It's all fine, you're a princess. It's everything you always wanted.
Hey, I'm Sorin Bowie. Subscribe to crack.com and I'll take off my shirt for you, because that's what you want. The coolest thing about crack.com, body muscles.
Not like jokes that people craft. Not like writing, like prose. Like manipulating these 26 letters into an endless array of finely crafted prose. Not that. Do it for pecs. |
TheOnion | Marina_Abramovi_Stolen_In_Daring_Performance_Art_Heist_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_36 | Sometime around 3 AM this morning, a team of individuals sawed a hole in the north end of Moma's roof, repelled down with rogues, and stole a nude Marina Abramovic as she was whipping herself with a flaming rose. The thieves and Ms. Abramovic whereabouts are currently unknown. That's NYPD spokesperson James O'Neill detailing how performance art thieves stole prized performance artist Marina Abramovic from the top floor of the Museum of Modern Art.
More on that shocking news, plus more stories that barely skim the surface of what's going on in the world today on The Topical. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, stay with us.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store and the easiest way to send and receive money. I love CashApp. It makes paying my child support easy, it only takes a few seconds, and I don't even have to meet up and look them in the face. Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
The first of performance artist Marina Abramovic by performance art thieves is rocking the modern art world today. Here with more is OPR art correspondent Remi Berglund. What can you tell us, Remi? Thanks, Leslie.
At approximately 3am this morning, all closed circuit televisions inside the museum were turned off for 20 minutes. At that time, police say a team of individuals disabled the alarm system and grabbed Marina Abramovic, undetected, as she was screaming, mother, whore, milk, at a burning rose she was flogging herself with. It wasn't until several hours later that museum personnel noticed she was missing. Well, why did it take so long? Doesn't MoMA have 24-7 security? They do, but police say that the burglars replaced Abramovic with a near-identical 72-year-old naked Serbian woman, who they paid to lash herself with a burning rose until someone caught on. No one knew Abramovic had been replaced with a knockoff until a perceptive museum goer noticed that the woman didn't soil herself at 11am, which Abramovic did every day at that hour to illustrate the foibles of routine.
This is a prized performance artist for MoMA. They must be reeling right now. Last year, Sotheby's valued her at $1.2 million. I spoke with a shaken Glenn Lowry, who's the art director at MoMA, about what Abramovic's disappearance means for the performance art world. This is a terrible loss. Abramovic may have been valued in the millions, but the truth is she's priceless. People came from all over the world just to get a glimpse of her burning herself with roses or masturbating underneath the floorboards while reciting a recipe for the perfect French omelet. If she can't be recovered, the loss is catastrophic. Any guesses to where Abramovic and her flaming rose are now? It's anyone's guess at this point. Police say that if she's not found quickly, she could likely end up on the black market, selling for perhaps triple her value. If that's the case, she could become part of a private collection or hidden away in a Swiss bank vault for years.
This has to rate as one of the most audacious smash-and-grab performance art burglaries ever committed. Absolutely. The most notable performance art heists occurred in 1974, when Chris Burden was stolen. Burden had crucified himself to the roof of a Volkswagen Beetle in a piece titled Transfixed. Thieves simply hot-wired the car and drove off with Burden, who wasn't seen again until he turned up in a Canadian tech millionaire's garage in 2008. Well, hopefully Abramovic will be found safely before she disappears completely or ends up in some rummage sale for a tenth of her value.
Thank you, Remy. Thank you.
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As the climate crisis worsens, the world's glaciers are melting at ever more alarming rates. At McMurdo Research Station in Antarctica, NASA scientists are using cutting edge technology to precisely measure the rate of glacial melt in order to inform policymakers as well as the world at large about the exact nature of the danger we face. We sent OPR's environmental reporter Kenneth Neely to see them at work.
Thanks for joining us, Kenneth. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
So tell me, what was it like being right there on the front lines of the fight for our planet? It was definitely interesting, seeing how they conduct research in such an extreme climate. I spoke with Linda Chang, one of the head researchers on the project, and she told me about the technology they use to map the glacier. Take a listen.
So here is the takeoff trip where we launched- Fuck, it's cold. I'm freezing my goddamn nuts off. Uh, where we launched what are called airborne radar missions, which use a special piece of aircraft to- Oh shit, I can't feel my face or my legs. Oh god, it feels like my organs are shutting down. Um, as I'm saying, we use a special P3 aircraft to map the glacier topography of the- Fuck this! I'm going back inside.
Hey!
Where are you go- Uh, that's all you managed to get from her? I thought I got a decent amount. That was barely anything.
Well, sorry, it was really cold, and I, uh, well, I, I forgot to pack any winter clothes. You forgot to pack winter clothes on a trip to Antarctica?
What? Why is that so shocking? People forget things sometimes.
That's like the one thing you should make a point of bringing to Antarctica. Okay, well, I was only going for a couple short interviews, and I assumed we'd be inside the research station most of the time anyways. Well, what were you wearing? Uh, ooh, uh, I brought some slacks, a button-up, a baseball cap- To Antarctica?
It's like zero degrees there! Actually, it was minus 20. See, I thought because it was getting warmer here, it would be warm there, but it turns out when it's warm here, it's actually way colder over there.
No shit! It's at the end of the Earth! God!
Do you know how much it cost to send you there? All the permits we had to get approved, and you didn't even bring a jacket? Well, I did bring a hoodie- Jesus Christ, even dumb animals know when to cover up. Why didn't you just borrow some clothes from someone? Oh, I tried, and let's just say the people there weren't really into that idea. Take a listen. Sorry, I don't really like loaning people my stuff. Yeah, sorry. I don't really have any extra clothes. Besides, I don't even know you.
Jesus, alright, well is there anything else you can tell us about what was going on down there? Well, they definitely have glaciers, and they're definitely melting, and the NASA guys are studying it. Fucking hell. I don't know how exactly, but I know they are. Beyond that, well, it's anyone's guess.
God! I need to see you in my office, and don't forget to bring your resignation letter, okay? What? This was O'Reilly's fault! I'm the travel coordinator!
Hey, fuck you, Kenneth. Don't blame me. Alright, that's all we've got for today, folks. Kenneth, I think you owe everyone listening an apology before we go. Say you're sorry. Sorry. Like you mean it. Fine. Sorry. Alright, thanks for listening. We'll see you tomorrow.
You're such a fucking idiot! Ow! |
dropout | straight_acting | Greetings, travelers, and welcome to Tales from the Closet, the only podcast slash vodcast with me on it. Welcome everybody. If you're watching this on CH2 online or you're listening to it as a podcast, just know that there's also a video component where you could see our gorgeous faces. I have three lovely guests today.
I hate those candles. I hate that you're doing it again. Excuse me. I hate that you're still doing it.
I'm going to add one candle per episode. Get ready for this season, honey. Great. Let's hop right into it. Let's meet our contestants. Ooh, we're competing. Yeah, it's a blood sport. Ooh, good. Let's start with you, Jordan.
I'm so happy that you're here. I'm happy to be here, Allie.
Are you gay? I am gay.
Cool. You too. Everyone here? Yeah, let's do that.
I'm non-binary. I go by they, them. I'm into women at this point, I don't know, but if I put on a nice enough sweater, I can be bi.
Never mind. That joke got away from me, but I will double down.
Bi people famously wear sweaters. Wear only sweaters.
They're like, excuse me, I am bi, and my car's here. I have to go. In a big hurry. Bi people are always doing something great. Uber.
They're in sweat. Well, they're very busy. They have to fuck both men and women. It's true. It takes a lot of time. That's like double the time.
You're the problem. I am the problem, and I will continue to be the problem. I fucking love being the problem.
No, I'm very cis. I like guys.
Mm. Yeah. There it is. Say more about that.
What's it like to be cis? It's honestly exhilarating. Every day I wake up, and I'm like, I'm going to walk in the world, and people are going to know exactly who I am.
No questions. There are no questions.
They're going to be like, that's a guy. Yeah. And kids, no kids are going to say, what are you loudly in the grocery store?
Just welcome me into their arms. Great. They say, I understand you. You make sense to me. I accept you. And then you can recruit them. So it's fantastic. Yeah, I'm living with about 60 children right now who are all so, so sweet. You should guys come by any time.
I don't want to come. No, you guys.
You have to. You do have to.
We have a good time over there. Great. And what do you do for work? What do you guys? I am a filmmaker and writer and sometimes actor. But yeah, I'm very just successful and rich. Great.
What's that like? Honestly, that has been a struggle. I would imagine. A lot of people don't understand me when they see my bank account. And they're just like, I could never relate to that.
And I say, you shouldn't have to. Yeah. And you never will.
And I'm looking at you. And you're only looking at me and I do understand. Right now.
I did pay for a bell pepper in Dimes once. I loved that. And it was a great lunch. Moving on, Kim. You ate just a bell pepper?
I bit it into it like an apple in my car listening to David Sedaris. That's how you get through things like that. You listen to David Sedaris while at a personal low.
Did you guys used to cut off the tops and fill it with water and use it as a cup? No. That was my family was obsessed with it. No, a pepper cup?
Oh, we would do that and just laugh and laugh and laugh. I would. I would put like a great cocktail in that.
That sounds like. Oh, like a Bloody Mary or something spicy. Yeah. Like, yeah. Bloody Mary served out of a bell pepper. Yeah, that's good.
Savory cocktails for me is a no, but I could do Bloody Mary. Like a martini or like a no. I don't like it. I don't like it. Yeah. I don't like a dry martini.
Anyway. Hey there. Anyway.
Hi, I'm Kimia. This is all going to be less interesting than Jordan, but I am.
I don't know. He just went so big. I really don't know what to do.
Well, I guess if we're there. We go big or go home. I guess so.
I'm a girl. She and I guess I've been using the word queer because honestly, I've only ever dated one woman and ever for a long time. It's my best friend and it like was we were best friends and it got weird. So it's just like, I think this is just where I'll be forever. So as far as I know, I like this one person. And you're still dating her.
Yes. Oh my God. I love that. That's great. I love that.
Best friend? No. Not childhood. Well, I guess it's high school childhood. Yeah. We weren't dating in high school, but I have known her since then.
Wow. So your sexual orientation is her. I guess so. I love that. Oh gosh. Stop lying. You guys. I guess I am. Grace starts crying. All right. What if I do? Oh God. I worked with Grant enough to know that it's not impossible for him to start crying at any point. We'll get him today, then I guess.
What's it like to not be alone? Oh, you know what? I don't. Well, I guess I spend most of my days alone, so I still know what it's like to be alone. But I guess there's always somebody that I can talk to.
Oh. A little breakfast ride. Yeah. I couldn't imagine what it's like for you. It's really hard. Yeah.
The nights are terrible. They feel super long. And it's so cold in my apartment when I wake up, and I have nothing to hold to warm myself up.
Can I tell a quick little anecdote? Yeah. Please. This is the podcast for that.
I woke up the other night to my boyfriend literally going like that, stroking my face like that. And then I nudged, and I woke him up. So he was doing that in his sleep.
And then he was like, what? What's going on? And I was like, you're stroking my face. And he's like, oh, I thought I didn't know.
Sorry. I woke up, and my body pillow wasn't where I thought it would be. And it broke my heart.
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
Because I'm so fragile. You can't just say it's not actually that great to share a bed with someone every night for the rest of your life. Oh, it's a nightmare.
To be touched. Yeah, I'm not. To be touched.
I legit love being single. So everything I was just saying was an act. I can't get enough. I like to be in a relationship, but I do like to have nights where I am sleeping like a full starfish in the bed. And I should be able to do that multiple times a week.
When you're in a relationship, and you don't want to be touched, and your lover touches you, you have to pretend like that's OK. Because if you don't, then it turns into a problem. No, you don't.
Just say not right now. Thank you. I'm OK. In mine, I'm like, I just don't want you to touch me right now.
I guess I've been there too, where it's like, is it something I say? And you're like, no, I truly just want to watch Netflix untouched, but naked. So figure that out. No, you know what? It'll get to the sex stuff here in a little bit. Yeah, it always does. This is a... Yeah. And anyway, who are you?
I'm sorry. Did you need parking? I would actually love it if you could validate. That would really help me out a little bit. Ma'am, there's an ambulance waiting downstairs here, actually, right now. I have to go. I need it.
I'm Grant O'Brien, still. I identify as bi. I identify as he-him.
Boy, this is the same old song and dance, isn't it? Yeah. We have been through this. Yeah.
I am going to run out of things to say on this podcast. Something new. Just switch it up. I mean, don't lie, but just tell us a new thing about yourself. What did you listen to in your car on your way here today?
Oh, yeah. I'm going to show you. Because it really is, I think, important for this podcast that everyone knows that I was listening to the original recording of the musical, Chicago, not the... So Cheetah. Yeah.
Cheetah Rivera, Jerry Orbach, Quinn Verdun, because I'm very excited. There's a show about Bob Fosse and Quinn Verdun.
Are you, I'm going to have a problem? I wanted to use this platform to talk about gay male competition.
It is strong. No, I was singing Chicago in my car all the way in. That's very cute. And I do love that.
I'm on the right podcast. You are, truly. And you're welcome here. Will you give this a little taste?
Yeah. Oh, no. No, I can't. We cannot get the rights today. Oh, God. Yeah. Just sing it with different lyrics. Yeah.
I'm going to improvise a Chicago parody right now. Fair use. Okay, great. We are going to move into our very first segment of the show, which is, it's namesake, Tales from the Closet. I love it.
Thank you all again for joining us here in this empty party city. I wanted to, honestly, I really did want to have this show take place in the back of a Halloween superstore, but we weren't able to do that.
So instead, our beautiful art director, Rick, made this, and I'm very happy with it. Rick is very handsome. Rick is gorgeous.
Is he in the room? No.
Okay. Why, who did you think he was with that description? I don't know. Who do you think is hot? All right. Just a minute.
I'm going to lampshade it, because there's no way to get away with it, because I'm still on camera.
I'm a sweaty hog. A little sweaty hog.
What were you saying? All right. Yeah. Let's go around. I'm essentially just wanting to make the thing I wish I had when I was deep in the closet, watching the OC, and being like, I'm not anywhere on there. Although they did have a bi storyline. Do you guys remember that? Oh, with Marissa? Yeah. Marissa had like a girlfriend for like a second.
With 13 from house, and her name is Olivia Wilde. Olivia Wilde.
Wow. You're right. Yeah. I forgot she was on that show. I've just been watching the OC, so that's why I know it. Yes. Oh my God.
That is supposed to be including me, but I don't feel included now. It was just like two hot Maxim models were starting to hook up, and I was like, still not. And then they lived together. Yeah. They lived together. Excuse me.
That is how women should look. That's how women should look.
Yes. And act. All of them.
Demure. That's how I describe every one of the OCs. Very demure.
I've done so often. Tanned. Great.
So any story from being in the closet, maybe that moment when you were like, wow, I might be gay. Or maybe it was like, uh oh, I might be gay. Or maybe it was like, yay, cool, I am gay.
I don't know, but I have been re-examining, like I just was remembering, I went to a wedding of one of my family friends, and I saw one of my cousin's friends that I hadn't seen in a while. And I was like, oh my goodness, I think when I was like seven, I had a crush on this woman, like my cousin's friend. I was like digging down deep, because I was like, why would I always come into my cousin's house and be like, hey, is your friend blah blah here?
And then she'd be like, um, no, she's only here like that one time, and I'm like, okay, whatever. Was she cute? Like now?
It was Ellen DeGeneres. I don't even know, because it's weird, because she wasn't even, she's just like very much, very older than me, and this was like nice to me. And unlike my cousin, and I was like, I don't know why I cared, but I've just been re-examining people from when I was little, that I was like, and that's a fun thing to know, because you don't, I didn't know I was, I was into women, so I just was like confused, so I liked some people more than other people.
I was very vocal about crushes I had on guys, but they were all boiled down to like, I want to be friends with them, but I was just like, oh, this is what we all talk about, so I was like, yeah, I definitely have a crush on Paul, and be like, no. I was trying to find, like, because everyone was like, oh, my type is blank blank, and I was like, oh, my type is boys with mushroom haircuts, and I was like, that's not a type, that's not a haircut. I feel like that was, that was my, that was my type though. Okay. Oh, man, like boys, yeah, no, mushroom, yeah, oh God, like, I love that.
Really?
Okay, well I guess it counts as a type. Honestly, like, it's all three of the guys on Full House, not Full House, Home Improvement. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they all had that, like, maybe they didn't have the mushroom haircut, but they were the kind of guy who might, and that was my type, the guy who might have a mushroom haircut. I was never into the all-American look.
Really? Yeah, my first, do you remember, I forget what season of Real World, but there was a guy named Willie, who was like one of the first gay guys on it, and he was just like, now looking back, he was just like a full, just like Latin twink, like, just like, nothing to script about him, just like Latin twink, you could go to WeHo and see like 400 of him. Oh my God. But for, and there was this scene where he was like making out with this guy in the shower, and I was like, that is it, like, that's all I want, I want, and like, the guy was washing his hair, and so like, for years, I had like a washing a hair in the shower. Oh my God, did you carry that with you into adulthood? I remember like, yeah, like, in my early 20s when I was like, sluttin' it up, like, every like, sexual, like, thing that I wanted in my childhood, like, I did then.
Yes. And then I was like, okay, it's like, not that sexy to like, shower. It's cool, like. Sometimes it is, but mostly not. Yeah, mostly showering if someone sucks. Who has a big enough shower to actually do that? Oh, okay.
You do, I see. You guys gotta come over. I'll kill you. We'll have to fit 60 children in it.
That's difficult.
Yeah. I feel like I heard something like, early on, and you know, like, there's just those like, twisted, like, women's magazines that are like, 10 tips to like, use his tie to choke him, or like, you know, you're like, they're like, 50 tongue tricks to make him go wild. There's always like, some extra element, like, a full prop case, and I was just, there was one with essential oils that was like, use essential oils on his ear, and but, oh my god. Okay, no, no, sorry. It wasn't a women's magazine. It was fucking men's health magazine. I would take my dad's men's health, so it was like, put essential oils on her ear, and I, like, nothing short of cutting that article out.
I'm gonna do this one day. And you do that to your lover every time you- No, I dropped it also in my 20s.
Oh, yeah. Early 20s, I was like, hey. You were essential oil behind every ear. Yeah, then I got that out of my sister, I think. Yeah. There was a Vice magazine article about how to fuck ass that I looked at. This is like, early Vice, like, when it was shitty, like Gavin McGinnis era Vice. Oh my god, yeah. Yeah. Isn't it still like that? Yeah, basically.
If I said. Can I say that? Am I allowed to say? Yeah.
No, I am not. I am not.
In my opinion. Not just slander the company. In my opinion, Vice is- You can say whatever you want.
Yeah, that McGinnis don't even fuck Vice forever.
Spiritually, they are that. Yeah. Like, they will always be that.
The official shirt for the Proud Boys is a fucking polo shirt that I've owned for seven years. It's a Fred Perry polo shirt that's black with yellow markings. And they've like made that their official shirt. And I own it.
Yeah. And I was wearing it on the bus- It's a queer race shirt. Again. Yeah. Again.
They break it everywhere you like. And do a white man. Great. Anything from you?
Story deep in the closet. I mean, I've told a lot of my stories from- I was thinking about this gay story. This is not- this is long after I came out of the closet.
Is that okay? Yes.
I was in that like- I was like 24. And I got a call from a guy I'd been sleeping with like the year before and he just said, I'm letting people know I just tested HIV positive. You should probably get tested. And at the time, I had a bad rash on my cock and my balls. Okay. And of course, I get online and that's one of the symptoms of recent HIV.
Anything really. Of anything.
You're not chill about your health. Me. And I go and I'm freaking out with my roommate who says like, well, we'll both go. Well, it's a straight guy, but it's like, we'll both go into the clinic tomorrow. We'll both get tested.
It'll be- that'll be just what we do with our afternoon. That's sweet. It's great.
My roommate, Nick Coacher, who comedy fans may know. And we go into the clinic and, you know, you go in one-on-one with a counselor and they say, what's going on? And they- I told them I have a rash on my cock and on my balls. And- You said that every time?
Yeah. It's okay. And they're like, oh, the cock and ball rash. Yeah.
My cock has a rash on it instead of my balls. And- You're making a meal out of that. I'm enjoying myself.
And they said, okay, great.
Well, we'll get you tested. And while you're here, we'll get you in to see a doctor. And so they do my testing. And then they take me to another room where they- I'd see a doctor.
And the doctor says, you have a- it's a fungus, here's a cream for it. But we can also, you know, load you up with a bunch of vaccinations and stuff while you're here. And I say, this is great. What a wonderful time I've had at this free clinic.
And I faint with needles. I faint- Allie's seen me with needles. I faint like a- I just faint. And- We do a lot of drugs together. Yeah. We're IV drug users. And so I fainted.
And they say, can we do anything for you? And I say, my friend's out there, would you bring my friend back?
Well, my friend got tested, then went back to the waiting room. And most people just go in, get tested, and leave. And so I've been back there for an hour where most people have been for like 20 minutes.
And so my friend has now spun himself up into a ladder. And they come out and say, like, is Grant's friend here? And he said, that's me. And they said, could you come back here?
He's asking for you. And he said, what's wrong with him? And I said, well, we can't tell you that, but he's fainted. So he needs some help.
Oh, my hair. And he comes back and sort of wakes me up and says, like, it's going to be okay. And I said, no, no, no, I'm just a pussy. I'm fine.
So he didn't get tested. I thought the story ended in him getting a trache. Wouldn't that be a good story?
Yeah. The guys, like, think they're so immune to all STDs. Like I would. I love.
STDs in queer culture or STIs, I guess, is what they're called now. It's so fucked up. I feel like when I'm talked to in a doctor's office, it's always like women don't pass STIs is like the vibe there. It's all like, who of your partners has been with a man? Like that's the only way an STI could have gotten into this situation. And it's a blame gay man for everything.
Yes. Do you feel that when you go in there like, hmm, yeah, you probably do.
Your story reminded me of a story when I first moved to L.A. I was at this like doctor's office, like that only gay men went to. And now I go to, they were horrible. So I went to another one that only gay men go to.
But my doctor was like, how did you find this, by the way, a friend, a friend had told me because I was asking and like, so I was like going to get treated. And like, this is so gay man. Like the boundaries are just so down that the doctor is like, sweet ass.
No. And I was like, excuse me, he's like, you like eating ass? And I'm like, don't call it that. Like for a doctor. What? Say ass? They don't even say that. He said, can you eat ass?
They're a doctor. Now my doctor asked about Remick. Like do you just like, so do you like Remick? But Remick is more technical eating ass. You're a doctor say eating ass.
What the fuck? Was so shocking. No doctors could do that. That is so crazy.
And then, and then not put a week later, I was standing on my balcony and I hear Jordan. No. Jordan. And it's the fucking doctor. No. And he's like, I'm your neighbor. No. And then, and then so I stopped going to him six months later, Grindr every day. No.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh no. No. That's awful. That is like deeply dark, honestly.
Like medical, I'm like whenever I even step foot into a doctor, I'm putting so much trust in him. Oh yeah.
And then not doing that. Please don't say. And then not like.
And like all he's thinking about is whether I eat ass or not. Yeah, exactly. So like, so Jordan, how do you eat ass? Do you like, are you good at it or what are we? I think I'm like, I used to.
That was me being your doctor. I was being your doctor.
No, no, no. I don't actually. It really is. I mean, tell, I mean, I'd like to say no. Oh my gosh.
He struck me to my core. I was like, am I good at it? He was ready to answer. Yeah. He was really sweet.
We'll talk. We'll talk later.
First thing I ordered off the menu, but now I've like, I've calmed down with it a little bit. Yeah, I haven't.
You love it. That's something. I feel like bi guys love eating ass. Love it. I love eating ass. You love everything though, honestly.
I do. On this podcast. I do. We've spent a little bit on everything that you love. Every podcast, some new thing I enjoy is going to come out.
Bi guys want to suck dick all day and eat ass and get fucked. The last. Isn't that most of them? What are we missing here? Like, I feel like bi- Bi dudes want to kiss.
And go to dinner and get married maybe one day. Maybe have kids.
All bi guys. It's different though, because with gay guys, it's either like, I'm a top. But it's just weird that bi guys- But isn't that boring?
Yeah, you stay one thing the whole time? Do you think so?
No, I don't know. I don't know.
But I think the point I'm trying to make is that like a bi guy, because they like women, then with men, they want things inside of them. Oh, you think that's where they're getting that? So many bi guys just want to get fucked and like play with dicks instead of like, instead of getting their dick sucked, instead of fucking- Oh my god. The last time I was on this podcast, I told this story about how I, not a story, a fact that I like sucking dick more than I like getting my dick sucked.
And it's come up again. Allie, it's come up again.
Sounds like you got read. Okay. Yeah. You selfish bi guy. No. I'm used to it. That's fine. You know what? More for me. Sorry, everybody. Yes.
But I don't know what the- no, there are actually a lot of alternatives. I was going to say, I don't know what the alternative would be.
Yeah, I was like, you're a creative person. Yeah, but I'm also more of a top with guys.
Okay. So. Yeah. Broken.
I think it is old and boring if someone's like, I'm a top. I'm like, what are you, from the 90s? What is going on? Everyone's versatile. They have the tattoo though.
Yeah. Or just like on dating apps too, where it's like, I'm a top and you're like, please don't bring that into my queer, beautiful relationship where anything is possible. Yeah.
All right. Great. Let's move on.
We here at Tales from the Closet, we like to get a little bit scary mid-show, okay? And bring up what some might call a trigger word, but really, I just think it's a funny spooky word. I think triggering people is funny. No! You sound funny and spooky. Yeah. So funny and spooky. Spooky.
I'm truly so sorry.
Okay, great. Our word of the day is straight hyphen acting. Love it. Straight acting. So yeah, this is just round table talk.
What does that word mean to you? Where have you heard it used?
Do you love it? Do you hate it? Is it growing on you? It's so growing on me. I love it now.
No, I feel like it's... I've had to unteach myself to take it as a compliment. For my whole life, if someone was like, I didn't even know you were gay, I was just like, thank you, I'll do anything for you. And now I'm like, oh, that's bad. That's me being ashamed of something.
Yeah, could be. Yeah, of course. And it's like, I mean, I think like, I'm actually, I like talking to women about this because I believe that all homophobia is rooted in sexism. So I think that's why gay men and trans women are killed and beaten the most more than lesbians. I would agree, yeah.
Because it's like the threat. That's where you meet the most hostility. Yeah, it's because of the threat of femininity. It's like you're coming into their world and showing them that men aren't just men. And that you can possess feminine things.
Totally, yeah. I agree.
And I think straight acting, I think I'm just so sick of everything queer being in reference to straight culture, so then it's like, ew, get that lens off of me. Straight acting or not, I don't know. Yeah, I just don't want to hear that. But I know in gay male culture, that's something that you'll see on dating apps and stuff.
Oh, yeah. That's all the time. Like straight acting. Like all of the blinders.
Usually people don't say it in reference to themselves. They do sometimes, but it's a lot of times what they're looking for. What they're searching for, yeah.
It's like looking for a straight acting guy or mask for mask, which is so telling about, first of all, the kind of guy that they are. And also too, you're shutting out so many hot guys. But a lot of the masked guys, they'll have these shoulders and these arms and they'll be brooding.
And I'll be like, so I'm working in PR right now.
And it's like, well, you're not. You're not masculine. Yeah, that is not. So don't pretend that you are when you're not.
In a photo they are. Yeah. That's all that matters. My outward appearance is masculine. And therefore, I can have all of the privilege that comes with it. That's what it is.
It's so sad to see. I was at a gay club on New Year's Eve in London.
And just like. Oh, good. Yeah.
I'm not surprised anymore. Now I've heard everything.
Gay club? London? New Year's Eve? Okay.
But it was like, every time I go to a circuit party thing like that, it makes me so sad because I'm like, oh my god, all of you have destroyed your bodies to look like this. And you see these huge guys with the worst backnecks of the steroids and they're all clones of each other. And you're just like, oh, your old self is gone. You're never going to get your old body back. And that is so sad just to uphold this thing of masculinity. Or even just the very cookie cutter look that you get in specifically gay male clubs.
Yes. Like lesbians have like a similar thing of like, oh, lesbian look. But it was like, have you guys been watching the Marie Kondo thing on Netflix?
No. Fuck no. I won't do it.
It's so good. I only watched two episodes and I happened to choose the two gay couple.
Choose a sociopath, right? Yeah, she's totally right. Fuck Vice, fuck Marie Kondo.
No, but it's good. But there was a gay guy on there and like you're supposed to go through all your clothes and touch them and if they bring you joy. Oh, we know. You keep it yeah.
That's the only thing I know about it. That is the only category. All anyone needs to know.
She created one sentence. That's all she's done. That's all she's done because otherwise it's like dust, right?
Like I could have figured out the rest of it. Yeah.
But he's picking up all these clothes and they're all like, and he was like, I don't get joy from any of these clothes. I'm really not getting the exercise. And all I was thinking was like, that's because you don't want to dress like that.
Like all of his clothes were like very like gay, very gay. And like he looked at him and his boyfriend dressed exactly the same and I was like, ooh, that's because like you're a freak and you want to wear like cool clothes.
Gay men suffer from both having the male gaze and having the male gaze on them. Interesting. So you get like gay men get toxic masculinity from both ends. So it is terribly damaging to try and put yourself into the box that you think men will want.
What are ways that you guys have been able to get out from under that? I'll let you know what I do.
Yeah. It's like it's tough to figure out. It's just like trying to like find your deepest self and like the more you learn about yourself, the less you're going to like want to like be like everyone else. Yeah, totally. I think that's basically like the problem is like and straight people have it too. It's like no one knows who they are. Yeah. It's like they're just doing what they think that they're supposed to do as a gay man or a straight person or a lesbian. So it's like and the people that really stand out in like any culture are the people who just know who they are. Yeah. So I don't think it really has to do with like being gay or straight or anything. No, no, it doesn't. Okay. Well, I think no, I completely get it and which is why you see it so much more in young people. You know, it's people who are 22 are are so fucked up. But straight and gay people are. Yeah.
Like especially too if it's someone who's recently out and recently an adult like, oh, that's that's too much to have to do all at once. That's so hard. Yeah, it was hard. Yeah, I know it was very hard because you came out right after college.
Yeah, a little bit after like 24. But yeah, I think I think it's like finding the more specific identity than the gay identity. I think you can ride just having the gay identity be yours or queer identity. Yeah, which is great to definitely spend time in there because you've been isolated for so long alone. So it's great to embrace that. But after that you kind of see the toxic things that it brings you and you're able to kind of like shed that. Well, you have to just be aware because I also get annoyed when people are like being gay is just like a very small part of my life. And it's like, okay, bitch, like we get what you're saying. And like, so you have to like find a balance of like it has to be you can't be shying away from it because you're ashamed of it. But like if you're like, genuinely, my sexuality is one part of my life.
That's that's the goal. Yeah. But if you're like just doing it so you don't like seem too gay. Yes. You see that a lot. Yeah, toning yourself down. And yeah, and it is always a line of like, I don't want to be defined by my sexuality. It's like, well, you're afraid of your sexual. Yeah. It's like people are like, I don't want to talk about politics. Yeah.
That you want to talk about it. But then it's also a little bit cultural because I'm Persian and it and Persian communities don't talk about things like sex and sexuality in general, even if you are straight, even if you are married, you don't talk about what you do with your partner. And that's just not a thing anyone talks about.
So like for me, I had a lot of shame identifying in general anything sexually ever. Yes. No matter what it was. So that's a weird thing to have. Same with Christianity. Like no sex at all talked about. Yeah. And so telling my parents I was like into women just felt like an inherently sexual thing I was bringing up. Yeah. Like I was like mom. Yeah. I was like, this is who I want to have sex with. But that's not what I was saying. No, it's a lot of things. But it just felt so explicit. I was like, oh. Right. And then that's the other thing.
It's like back to talking about how you had to dress in clothes and things like that. Like I grew up having to like go to Persian parties where you have to wear dresses and straighten your hair and put on makeup and all the stuff. And I was like, I never wanted to do it and I kind of never did. And I didn't do it right. But my mom would like be embarrassed and she'd be like, oh, everybody's talking about you. And like you're like in a dress but you didn't do your hair or whatever.
I was like, that's fine mom. Like I feel better. I feel okay about it now.
And I did go to a different, gosh, I'm talking about so many weddings. I did go to a different wedding, my other cousin's wedding.
And this was after my whole family knew that I was queer and they were like, oh, all texting me like, are you going to wear like a suit? Like this is a cool thing you could wear or whatever, whatever. And then I showed up in a dress and I felt like everybody was mad. They were like, I'm going to be so good. You told us you were gay. I contained multitudes and I like these gowns better than the suits I tried. And they were so like, I thought you were going to wear a suit.
What's going on? Okay. Well, I'm going to do what I want.
Do you feel like they like kind of like were like, oh, when you came out, they were like, oh, it all makes sense. Like, sure. They were like, yeah. Yeah. And then there was, because that was happening when I was like talking to my friends in college about how I was like dating a woman and they would say stuff like that and I would sort of have a reaction like, what do you mean, of course? And I was like, it's okay that they said that. Yeah. It's okay that they've noticed that I'm a little bit different. But it's a little bit like, when someone says they knew you better than you knew yourself, you're like, it's annoying. Yeah. Don't tell me you knew I was gay. I was telling you something. Yeah. Just go, okay. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know. Or just say, okay. Act disappointed. Just don't say, yeah. Be shy. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I have two lesbian sisters. Oh, no way. Yeah. Oh, boy. Our family. Oh, my God. I love it. Good for you guys.
It's an only child. Now it's a sibling. It's an only child. Everyone in all of our families. I have an only child. I have straight siblings.
Mm-hmm. So, yeah. Okay. There's the door. Yeah.
So, what were you... It was like, I just have memories of like, my now, now they go by sibling, but they would like freak out and like start shaking if they had to wear a dress. Mm-hmm. And it was like, what's... And they weren't out. Whoa. And so it was just like, what's happening?
They would have like full panic attacks just like screaming and crying. Oh, we would have... Where do they live? We would have a lot in common. Yeah.
And like one of them, one of them had like no problem wearing a dress. And like they're twin. They're twin lesbians.
Oh, my God. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Well, I'm not...
I was never afraid or upset by dresses. I just didn't like being told that I had to pick one. I just wanted to decide when I wore one.
And now... Oh.
Because I like dresses. I like all of the clothes equally. I do tend toward more like in between like gender neutral clothes. But I guess, I don't know actually. Ah, dress however I am.
Our colors are very similar. What colors are on point?
Yeah. But a thing that my parents do now is any time I'm in a dress they make a point to be like, oh, look at you. You look so good. And they're like, I know that. You can say that in any other outfit. I picked this dress. But they think they're reinforcing something when they're kind of not. I would just wear this no matter what.
Absolutely not.
I'm calling my mom to tell her you said that. Get your mom on the phone right now.
Okay? That's what this podcast is for. I hated wearing dresses. But okay.
So my brother being gay growing up, we would always... We were also very like, like outside of our gender like. And so we would get presents. And it wasn't until I was like seven years old that we realized like, oh, my God, we're each getting the presents. The other one won. And so like, we would like... It became like a whole thing that like my mom, like if we just said thank you and looked like we were going to keep the gift until the person left, then we could trade. And that was like between you and your brother. And my mom. Because she got in on it because she wanted us not to look rude. So it would just be like us sitting in the living room.
And I'd be like, great. Like a custom bracelet bead making kit. Like, can't wait. And he would be like, great. Spawn action figures from the underworld. I can't wait. And he'd just be like...
I love black for that bracelet making kit. I love bracelet making kits.
He loved it. Absolutely not boring. Give me the thank you on underworld. I love that. I think he is fun. Yeah.
My uncle took me on my 10th young birthday. Took me to FAO shorts.
And he was like, you can buy anything. Anything in the store. And like, everyone was like, buy this huge thing. Buy this huge thing. Like, you can buy anything.
And I chose a Pocahontas Barbie doll.
No way! And everyone was just like... This is so upsetting. Fuck you.
This is a tale.
This is my personal... So mad at me. Hell, what?
It wasn't even like... It wasn't... I don't even think they processed that. No, they did.
They're like, that's a pretty gay thing to do. But they're also just like, fuck you.
No way! You chose the wrong...
Did you come out early? Was your family cool with it? Or was it like... Yeah. Well, it's so funny.
Out of three siblings.
Who came out first? Who won? I came out first. Who won? I won.
They came out way later than me, and they're three years older than me. Wow. But lesbians all come out in college.
Or that's... It feels...
High school is not for lesbians. It's also not for babies.
I think now.
Oh, thank God for the time. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's still difficult. Yeah. We're not taking anything away from you. We recognize your struggle. So long as you recognize that it's not as hard as ours. Yeah. That we're stronger than you are. I feel like Arkansas, current day, get at us. We're sorry. Yeah.
I mean, it was... I'm from Long Island, so it wasn't the hardest thing in the world. But I remember, it was just such... Oh, everything happened so fast. It was like, from the first time, I was like, I like that six pack. Like, within a week, I had come out.
No way. Like, from literally, like, the first time... Because of you. At, like, 12. End of 12. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah, like, 13th birthday, around 13th birthday. Wow. But it was like, I came out to all my camp friends. Mm-hmm.
And then, I gave this guy a hand job at a Super Bowl party, and he famously pretended he was possessed and threw up. No. He was like, so I gave him a hand job. He freaked out.
I like that you said famously. You all know. You all heard. Yeah. Oh, my God.
What kind of camp? It was... So, this was a, like, nighttime party at a house. We were at a day camp together.
And he... Yeah, he just started... His, like, eyes rolled back, and he started, like, shaking up and down, and then, like, went and threw up and just pretended to be possessed.
That is nightmarish! That's my first sexual experience. That's tough. I wonder why I'm so fucked up this time. Oh, my God. Why I need it for validation. Toxic! So weird. Oh, my God. That's crazy.
But then, so I was, like, I was aiming with my friends about it, and my sisters told my parents. Wow. So, they came out for me. Oh, no. And I remember, like, my dad was driving me to, like, community theater, and he's, like, so, uh... Is it true?
And I was like, yeah. And he was like... Dax. I really think community theater would be a deal. And he was like, well, uh...
Well, like, the traditional love, Simon. I love you.
Whatever you are. But then, and my mom was, like, so much, like, more cool, but then I recently remember, like, one of the first things she said to me was, she was like, like, it's okay, dear guy. That's fine.
Just don't get a gay voice and don't get AIDS.
Oh, dear. And now I'm coming back to her being like, there it is. Yep. Oh, God. Horrible. And then I, like, told her she said that, and she, like, I became, like, the villain. She was like, after everything I've done for you. Oh, my God.
That was, though, the first thing my parents said. Not a gay voice, but, like, well, be careful. Yeah. Which is valid. It was a different time. It was a different advice to give to a young gay person.
But it is also, like, my kids will be on PrEP when they are five years old. My cousin is a doctor and said, like, we should just put PrEP in the water. We should put, like, PrEP and Lepidor in the water.
Yeah. I mean, the strides for that are insane. Yeah, insane. Like, have you guys ever seen the artist, um, fucking Roya Noevich? He's, like, Russian.
I bet you're saying it wrong. I bet. I'm positive. I am. I bet that's better. It's, like, W-O-J, anyway.
Oh, Banksy. Banksy. Oh, yeah, Banksy.
He does this crazy thing with the balloon. It's, like, long, longing. No, but anyway, David, Roya Noevich, or whatever. He's, like, a big, like, during, like, the AIDS outbreak. He did a lot of, like, political art. And he has, like, the most heart-wrenching, like, he does, like, text over stuff.
And it's just about, like... Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People dying, like, government not caring. Yeah, yeah. Everyone just, like, villainizing gay people during the 90s. Can I, may I touch you? Yeah. For this?
I recently, my friend came over, and she was like, we were just talking about comedians, and they were like, number one, Eddie Murphy. And I was like, yeah, sure. And she was like, you have to watch his, like, first special.
Oh, raw? Oh, it's so awful. It is. What?
What does he do?
He starts with a 10-minute rant about faggots and AIDS.
Yeah. Like, and the, and this is during... Oh, it's a punch line. Yeah.
It's just, like, I'm not getting AIDS for no faggots. I don't let faggots talk to me. That's what I thought the punch was. I don't let faggots go anywhere near me. Your faggot, you stay away from me.
It's like a Kevin Hart special now. 10 full minutes. Wow. And, like, this is, this is when, like, gay men were literally dropping dead, like, flies in the audience is literally, like... They collected enough. Like, they, like, they, like, it was closest for them.
It's to, like, hear, like, how much you hate it. It is so... It makes my heart race thinking about what to do. Yeah, but really, everyone should be required to, like, watch that. Yeah. Because it's so horrifying. Watch that and then watch How to Survive a Plague, the documentary, four years ago.
Yeah. It's, listen, kids, know your history. Yeah. That's the thing is, like, you feel there's something weird hanging in the air, and that's because there is. Like, these people are still alive. Yeah. It wasn't that long ago. No. That that was, like, completely considered okay. Yeah. And then you'll meet, like, a 60-year-old gay guy, and it's like, yes, everyone I knew in my 20s has died. Yeah.
All of my friends died. And it's like, it's like when people get cancer, they're not like, well, you shouldn't have done this. And, like, with AIDS, it was like, it's your fault.
Yeah. Like, this is all your fault. Yeah. Like, you've created this monster. You deserve it. Yeah. You deserve it. Yeah. And, like, any other disease, they're like, bless you, like, I hope everything's okay. Yeah. And this, they're like... Yeah. What's going to you? Yeah.
Spooky.
Straight-acting. This is still a straight-acting category?
Mm-hmm. Well, I love the tangents that we go on this side. There's a lot of wrong tangents on this side.
Yeah. What do you guys... What do you guys feel the presence of, like, the AIDS epidemic in gay male culture now? Well, I personally do. Like, I just think about it all the time. Because, like, I would have been dead. Oh, yeah. I think about that.
I'm an artist. Like, I'm a cool person.
Yeah. Like, all the... Everyone... That was a cool diet. It's Fran Leibowitz. Yeah. That has a great line. It's like, we lost a generation of people with good taste. With good taste. Yeah. Because all the cool gay men died. I know. I've watched that. Yeah. That was great. Yeah.
I mean, true, but... What are my thoughts about that? It's... I mean, even just the difference in my, like, relationship to sex, pre-prep versus post-prep is... Yeah. Your bareback and your life away. It's... And that... And there are problems with that.
And otherwise, we'll get into off air.
But it is, you know, gay sex is equated with death for gay... Gay men specifically. Like, gay people, but gay men specifically at this point in history. And that is deeply damaging.
Yes. Yeah. Do you feel like that... Like, when... I don't know. Is it like when people are around or they're like, do you guys all talk about it?
Like, isn't that scary that that could happen? Or are we to a point where that's not really on the table anymore? No, I think it's like not... I think it's like not in, like, a bad way.
Or it's, like, people are so, like, prep is such a life saver and, like, people are just doing whatever they want that it's, like, I think it's, like, it's almost a little disrespectful to the older generation how flippant we are about sex and, like, it's unfair... It's unfair to, like, talk about it so loosely when, like, they're too old now to, like, get the pussy that they once could, for lack of a better word, so, like, they're not having the sex they could have had and they didn't get to have the sex that they wanted because of it, so it's, like, I can't imagine what it's like for a 75-year-old to look at us and be, like, oh, great, like, I was, but it's not fair, like, I mean, it's like... They must think that... I was just lecturing high school students now about how easy it was, who were 75-year-olds who said, like, they must think that all the time.
Don't have survivor's guilt in your life, man, but do you feel safe, would you say? Yeah. I do. That's great. I do feel safe. I certainly have sex, like, I feel safe, so I do feel safe. Yeah.
Can Game and Still Not Donate blood? I lie.
Is that still a thing? Yes, that is, that is still, like...
It's still on the form, like, you can't say it. If you ever say it, man, you can't...
Isn't that insane? Yeah. That feels crazy. It's a weird, old-vested joke all the time going by. I know, I know, I know, I know.
The last time I gave blood was in high school and it would still be a decade until I had sex. I don't think it's for women, though. No, yeah, yeah, it was fine. I give blood all the time.
Really? Every day, every morning. Are you serious?
Yeah, all the time, at the UCLA Blood and Plasma Center. I went to UCLA. I love you. Yes, and I used to do this in college and I still go now, any time I have, like, a free day I'll, like, make an appointment and go and I do platelets and that takes, like, an hour and there's, like, a TV and you can watch, like, a movie while you're on it. Have you ever gotten paid for a plasma? And then, oh, no, if you were a UCLA employee, you could, but I get paid in movie tickets. Four tickets to the AMC every time.
I don't know about everybody. Man, you've got a free cookie and orange juice and sometimes there's sandwiches there. What?
It's great. Four free tickets to the movie. Yeah, I told you. You get two for just blood. Wow. It's a great way to feel like you're giving to charity without losing any money. Yeah. You're gaining movie tickets. Oh, yeah.
I never go to the movies.
I faint, though. Really? You wouldn't be able to do it. I faint all the time.
Right. And I have sex with men. Yeah. Yes. We're going to move on to my favorite part of this show, which are questions submitted by viewers. I love that.
Some people identify themselves and their age. Some people asked anonymously. We've talked about maybe uploading this podcast under another name, like NFL Breakdown. To get more viewers. So that Closeted people could download it and have it.
Oh, gotcha. Gotcha.
I have a friend who lived in India three years ago and she said, because it was illegal to be gay there until so recently, to get in with the lesbians that lived there, you had to be noticed and then someone would give you an email and you would email them. They would have you meet at a secret location and vet you and then you could get invited to the gay stuff. That's like me with cool gays now.
Yeah. It's so fabulous and so dawg at the same time. It's dark, but it is fabulous. Anyway, shout out India. Okay. Our first question. Oh. That one took me by surprise. I was like, we are the guys. Good. I love all of them. It was genuinely scary.
And now it's raining. We're all soaking wet.
All right.
Did you have many LGBTQ friends when you were discovering yourself? Do you have any tips on meeting new queer friends, especially as a teen?
This is from someone named Noah, age 15. Oh, I love him. Okay. Just the name. I know exactly what he looks like.
Shout out Noah.
I thought he was going to say, did you have gay friends when you were discovered? When you personally were discovered.
I'll fucking let you know. Yeah. Well, that, I guess I'm confused a little bit about the language. So I'll answer twice because there's when you were discovering yourself versus when you were coming out, I think are sort of times. Yeah.
Did you have queer friends when you were first realizing that you were gay? And do you have tips on meeting new queer friends as a teen?
Can I say something like a don't?
Yeah. That's helpful. Yeah.
I felt like I had this pressure to, because there were so few gay people around me, to be like best friends with them and I hated them and like, and they were also the only people I could have sex with. So I was like, I hated the people I had sex with. I hated the people I was around and I was like, I wish I had just like stuck to my girls.
And then when I met queer, when I finally, when I was like 21, I found my first group of gay friends and I was like, yes, this is what I've been waiting for. These are like-minded people. So I don't feel like you need to like, I think now it's a lot easier because you could seek out people who have the same interests as you, like online and stuff, but don't look for gay people just because they're gay because- Don't lower your standards in that way.
Yeah. Like stick true to the people you actually want to hang out with and the gay people will come. You're going to find them when you move to a city. Yeah. I mean, that is, I, this might not be universal, but my, what worked for me is moving to a city because yeah, it's being in a place where there are a lot of other gay people. Yeah. But yeah, when I was, when I was, you know, coming out to myself when I was a teen, I went to, I was at a Catholic school in Ohio, I didn't know any other gay people. Turns out I did, but at the time they weren't out yet. Yeah. That's the thing. Out people. Yeah. Then when I was coming out, I did it in college, you know, I was at acting school. I only knew gay people. Yeah. And so that's not a, a helpful tip for a 15 year old isn't move to a city. Yeah. True. That's not a helpful thing, Noah. Yeah. But I would say, sort of similar to what you were saying, at 15, I think it's more important that your friends be good friends rather than be gay friends. Yeah. Be, be open and, and honest with the friends you have now. Yeah. The characteristics that you want in a friend aren't, don't start and end with gay. Sure. It's like honest and supportive and kind and you look for those people not just gay people. And there's like so many, like I even as an adult have like people I consider friends that I've never met that I like, I'm just like Instagram friends with and like, we always comment back and I'm like, oh, that's my friend. Yeah.
So it's like, you can find people like if you need an outlet to talk about your gay experience, you can find it online. Find that online.
The follow up to this, he also asked, could you talk about how to meet other queer people if you're not big in the party or clubbing scene? Okay. No, sorry.
This is Pierce. This is someone else.
I don't party and I don't go to clubs, but I also don't, I guess, don't go out and seek specifically queer friends. I just like to find friends that like to do the same things I do. And I don't know if this is advice, but it's just like, because it doesn't answer the question about finding specifically queer people, but I did just make friends like doing, doing improv and sketch and doing like, I also did theater in high school and all those people were very supportive. And actually a lot of my friends in high school that were not queer in high school now are like, I think I am.
Yeah. I think I am. So it's just like, do the things that you like and you will find friends. I guess so too. I think, yeah, if you're like into books or something, hang out at the bookstore in your town.
I'm trying to think of like, yeah, get out of here. Oh my gosh. I need to leave.
I hate everything I've done. I need to wait. I hate everything I've done.
Very good advice for young lesbians. Hang out at the bookstore. I'm just saying if you're, if you're in a smaller town, like go to the things that your town has to offer to the queer section and just like be like, yeah.
And I think that that is a thing I don't because you don't have to be into, into partying and clubbing to make friends, but you do have to actively pursue the interests you do have. Yeah. If partying and clubbing aren't your thing, what is your thing and then go out to it? Because I think sometimes partying and clubbing can be code for, I'm introverted and don't like to talk to people. Yes, and don't want to be social. And it's tough to find new friends if you don't put yourself out there and you don't have to be into partying and clubbing.
You can, you can, you can do plays. You can, you can, yeah. Yeah. I do think though, yeah, like just do a quick scan on yourself and see if you're, there's a way that you could be braver and put yourself out there a little bit more. It doesn't have to be at some like all night rave, but yeah.
And no one's like actually making friends at a club. I completely agree with them. I can't imagine how gay parties can be very over, like when I first came out, I went to gay bars and it was just so booming Lady Gaga music. And I was like, maybe this isn't my tribe. You know, it was just like, oh no, I've made it with steak. And until I started like going to house parties and like finally meeting and talking to people.
Yeah. Where the volume is low enough that you can have a conversation. Yeah. Put yourself actively pursue your interests. Yeah. That's how to, that's how to make friends gay or straight. True. Yeah.
Just how to make friends. Or do like, do a video podcast. Go to college humor.
Yeah. Come and be on this video podcast. We're fun. All right. Great. Next question.
I am a queer woman who has been out personally for about two years, but I recently started a new job as a kindergarten special ed teacher in the Bronx. Part of the reason I went into education was to afford young kids a safe space to explore their identities. Unfortunately, my school is not the most accepting environment and I feel myself tiptoeing back into the closet when I'm there. This makes me feel guilty and kind of embarrassed. How do you cope with coming out slash being at work when you suspect it's putting you under a higher level of scrutiny?
Is it ever worth it to just come or just to keep this stuff to yourself? No. Oh, that's so tough. That was long and I felt every word of that was like, I don't have any good advice for that and that's a thing that I did for a long time, not in a workplace, but like to my parents, I was just like, to my friends and everybody, I was like, yes, I am who I am, I'm queer, but then it's like to my parents, I'd be like, I just want to tell them this one thing because they don't ask anyway, it doesn't matter and it felt worse and then the longer you do it, it feels like you'll never get out of it. So it does, well, feel better to decide to do it. And then this is the thing that my uncle told me. If somebody will just like judge you just because of that one thing, then you don't need them to like you anyway. And they can come back when they can decide that that's okay because it's not a big thing about you. Totally.
I think it's so, I think she actually needs to leave this job because I think it's so rare for anyone to know why they're doing their job and she knows why she's doing her job and she's like, I want to work with kids' identities and I am a firm believer that like you can actually do whatever you want in this life and so she needs to be looking for schools that align with her interests. But I think that space needs her because what if some kids there are also suppressed by that environment of the school maybe? I think so, but I think it's like, yeah, that's the question of like putting your own happiness first or second. Yeah, I guess we don't know what specifically is happening. And to that, I guess I'd say, because I agree that you could do a lot of good, but then you have to do it. Yeah, then you have to do it, which is a scary thing. If that's why you're there, then you have a responsibility to yourself and to the kids around you to do the thing. And I'm not saying there aren't legitimate reasons that you can't. Yeah, she does say in the parenthesis, no, I don't feel my job is at risk, but I worry folks would read an agenda into my teaching or push back against the gender neutral and explorative space I'm trying to build.
Well, you do have an agenda. It sounds like you do have an agenda. Agenda in quotes in that like creepy gay folk way. Yes, you just have to be who they are and how they are instead of just like making them into.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, but it is true. You get it, right?
I make kids into gays all the time. I hate it the way that sounded.
I mean, it just is like depends and this is such like just like point of view thing about how you see the world. But like if she wants to live in her utopia, then there's a way to do it. And if she wants to live to like to to help and struggle and fight, then there's a way to do that, too. It just it real. And I don't think one is worse or better than the other. Like, I don't think if you're like, I want to I want to help who I want to help in the way I want to help, I don't think you're a bad person for doing that. But I mean, all for you, if you're going to go into these spaces that are not accepting and try to try to make a difference. I found helpful with that is like that. Have you guys ever done the artist's way?
Oh, right. Yeah. Three pages at the top of every morning, like. Yeah, it's a little Marie Kondo shit.
It's not. No, it's messy.
You can't read it any better. But what I'm going to say is if you're writing three pages every day, I think it would help her track what she wants and what she's getting in this situation a little bit more. Because when it comes to a job, that's a huge choice. It's like give yourself a year, give yourself two years to decide what you're going to do with this.
Feel it out a little bit more. Yeah. Like stop being a kindergarten teacher in the Bronx, like quit. You know, it's like, yeah, take time. If you stay, stay with and try to achieve that purpose. But right now, it's just costing you. Totally. And you're not getting the benefit you're looking for. And she's also like, there is part of this that like she is presuming negativity before there's actually negativity there. Well, you do that when you're scared, too. Yeah. Totally. So I mean, yeah, try it one way. And if like those things that are perceived are real, then it's time to reconsider or yeah. Yes. All right, final question.
How do you handle not feeling queer enough? For example, I'm an out and proud cis bisexual woman dating a cis bisexual man, which means folks often assume that we're straight. And I hate when people think that either of us have chosen a side because we're with each other. Yeah, you get that a lot. For as a bi person, you there is a, you know, if you're just out grocery shopping and you see a couple and it's a man and woman, you naturally, I think, presume that, well, there's a straight couple. I don't think there's anything wrong with that presumption. How do you then more outwardly demonstrate your queerness to let yourself be part of the community?
Well, that's a good question. Right? And I'm a comedian. So I don't necessarily have a terrific answer.
Rainbow flags. Yeah, rainbow flags everywhere.
I think there's a problem with the, well, not a problem, but just like having the feeling or the need to feel like, but it's a thing that we've put on to be gay enough is a thing that is not real. You just are who and how you are. And so, but it is real. What do you mean? I mean, it's being gay enough is real. Yeah, like those pressures are real. No, I know the pressures are real, but the concept of being gay enough is not real. Yeah, there is no gay enough moment. Right, it's not real.
Well, I do agree. I do say, I don't know, wanting to be perceived, it does kind of sound like maybe they have friends who are like, oh good, you've picked a side. I think that kind of thinking of like picking a side and not being allowed to feel free. Well, when I understand this field, when I'm with a woman, it does feel like I need to, I do feel like I need to name myself more often. A, so that I feel like I still belong to that community.
And B to, you know, because it's good to be out and it's better for the world to have more out people. And you just want to be understood. Like you want to be seen for who you are. Yeah, so I guess just be out to as many people as you can be, be loud about your queerness.
I would be interested in this. I feel like maybe we'll come back to this in another show because I want more, I feel like I have some friends who are queer and just ended up in a straight relationship after. And I wonder what that feels like. Like, oh, now you're, you know, like true, now you're dating like a straight guy or now you're dating a straight girl. Do you feel like some of you has been lost? That's really interesting. Like what's doing that? Yeah, I mean, bi is such like a complicated thing because you, if you're not in an open relationship, like I feel like I would feel like I'm missing a part of my sexuality by not being able to like express both of the things. Well, maybe that's just because you're very gay.
And yes. Because I feel like you find everything in both genders. Right, if it is just about the person. Yeah. Yeah, but it's not always like that. I think she should break up with her boyfriend and date a woman just on principle. Yeah, take me.
Great, well, thank you so much for sending in questions, everybody. And thank you so much to you guys. It was great to have you. Thank you. I love all of you. This is fun. Yes, thank you for coming in. We have a big bi origin now. Yeah. Fantastic. You have to, I'm sorry. Okay, anyway, thank you so much, guys.
We will see you when our next podcast, vodcast comes out. Please hit us up on the Discord. Grant and I are both definitely on there. Send us questions and yeah, get involved in that talk that's going on there. Thanks so much, have a great week. Hey, what's up, it's Ali from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you wanna see a hot babe in the city, click here. This is what I like. |
dropout | hardly_working_soda_prank | Alright, real funny guys. Who put their dick in my sprite? What? Don't play dumb, Patrick. Okay, if it was you, I'm not gonna be mad, just tell me. Murph, I didn't put my dick in your sprite.
Then why does it taste like dick skin, Patrick? How do you know what dick skin tastes like?
What is it about putting your dick in my sprite that you love so much? Is it the way the bubble's feeling your dick? Bet you it feels pretty good, huh? How would I even get my dick into a can of sprite? Squeeze the tip and mash it in.
Oh my god. Small price to pay when you get to watch that idiot, Murph! Drink dick sprite, huh? Huh? Yeah. Hey everybody, let's all be like Patrick Castles and run around sticking our dicks in people's sprites. It'll be a frickin' lark. Murph, you're a lunatic.
Nobody put their dick in your sprite. Look, that does taste like dick. Right? Hey guys, it was me. I put my dick in your sprite. Oh, y'all just got dick dunked by the o-dog. Oh shit, you put your dick in his sprite? I did too. Anyone else's dick store from putting in Murph's sprite? Okay, by show of hands, who put their dick in my sprite? And is Murph's face red? You guys, you're gonna have to put your dick in a lot of sprite to get back at these guys.
Oh, better get stored in.
Hey o-dog, enjoying your sprite, buddy? Actually, Murph, that's hot tea. Thanks for watching! |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_after_high_school_snl | Well, all good things must come to an end, including this problem, but we got a couple of songs left. So let's make them count. Class of 2002, how y'all feeling? Hard To believe it's been 20 years since that night After graduation, we all win our separate ways, but I still like to think about my old friends and smile Shelly Hines Graduated first in our class, then went to Harvard where she graduated dead last I Guess our high school just wasn't that good Tessa White Got married and had two beautiful daughters and one fat ugly son As for Rachel Finster, well, the less said about her, the better. Dana Miguel Made good on her promise to hike the Appalachian Trail. She remains missing to this day Trina Dash Played D1 soccer in college and won a national championship She should have been happy, but she never got over Rachel Finster sleeping with her dad Darius Caldwell eventually made it to the pros: professional pornography He's worked with all the greats even Rachel Finster As for Carly Hill, she moved to West Virginia after high school and married a minor a coal miner who was 16 years old Billy Wendell followed his dreams Unfortunately, he only dreamed about killing his grandparents Dougie Finnegan Never stopped inventing things and eventually one of those inventions made him rich. Fentanyl, maybe you've heard of it Rachel Finster sure has Class Sweethearts Becca and Robbie made a vow to lose their virginity's that night and they both did to the DJ Some People had happier stories Like Natalie Turner Who was granted the first gay marriage license in the state. We all went to the wedding even. Rachel Finster Who was there protesting with her hateful church? Some years later Jeff Ahmed reached out to Rachel to try to talk some sense into her and it worked. They started dating and eventually moved in together His body was never found Some of our friends surprised us Carla Andretti followed her mother's footsteps all the way to the US Capitol building on January 6th. And How can we forget Amy Fulton? Well, I'm not sure how, but we all did just completely forgot about her like she didn't exist. and Then there's Peter Liu who left a huge mark on Broadway After He threw himself off the roof of the Winter Garden Theatre to protest the government's Herschel Williams he became a writer his first book friend of the devil growing up with. Rachel Finster Time took us all in so many different directions For a brief moment. We were all there together Dancing the night away with our whole lives ahead of us Except for me I Was Murdered by Rachel Finster and my soul can not cross over until she is brought to justice Hard To believe it's been 20 years since that night. After Graduation, we all win our separate ways, but I still like to think about my old friends and smile Shelly Hines Graduated first in our class, then went to Harvard where she graduated dead last I Guess our high school just wasn't that good Tessa White Got married and had two beautiful daughters and one fat ugly son As for Rachel Finster, well the less said about her the better. Dana Miguel made good on her promise to hike the Appalachian Trail. She remains missing to this day Trina Dash Played D1 soccer in college and won a national championship She Should have been happy, but she never got over Rachel Finster sleeping with her dad Darius Caldwell Eventually made it to the pros professional pornography Who's worked with all the greats even Rachel Finster? as For Carly Hill she moved to West Virginia after high school and married a minor, a coal miner who was 16 years old. Billy Wendell followed his dreams Unfortunately, he only dreamed about killing his grandparents Dougie Finnegan never stopped inventing things and eventually one of those inventions made him rich Fentanyl, maybe you've heard of it Rachel Finster sure has Class sweethearts Becca and Robbie made a vow to lose their virginity's that night and they both did to the DJ Some People had happier stories like Natalie Turner who was granted the first gay marriage license in the state We all went to the wedding even Rachel Finster Who was there protesting with her hateful church? Some years later Jeff Ahmed reached out to Rachel to try to talk some sense into her and it worked. They started dating and eventually moved in together His body was never found Some of our friends surprised us Carla Andretti followed her mother's footsteps all the way to the US Capitol building on January 6th. And How can we forget Amy Fulton? Well, I'm not sure how, but we all did just completely forgot about her like she didn't exist. and Then there's Peter Liu who left a huge mark on Broadway After he threw himself off the roof of the Winter Garden Theatre protests the governor's Herschel Williams he became a writer his first book friend of the Devil growing up with Rachel Finster Time took us all in so many different directions For a brief moment. We were all there together Dancing the night away with our whole lives ahead of us Except For me, I was murdered by Rachel Finster and my soul cannot cross over until she is brought to justice. |
cracked | worst_fight_club_ever | Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club. First rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule- Is this Fight Club? What? Did we start Fight Club yet, or are you just quoting Fight Club? Just let me get through the rules, okay?
It's the middle of the day, is why I bring it up. God dammit, and it's in the woods, man. Yeah, and it's gonna get all hot and dirty. Yeah, that's the point.
Sorry, sorry I'm late, sorry. Sorry I'm late for the Fight Club.
That's fine. Great, now we have to start over.
And you're already talking way too much about Fight Club. I just got here, man, I don't know the rules. Oh, uh, don't talk about Fight Club and- Oh, no, twice. You're caught up. Twice, like from the movie, that's cool.
Third rule of Fight Club. Somebody goes limp, they yell stop, they tap out, the fight is over. Fourth rule, two people to a fight.
What if it's an odd number, what if we have odd numbers? Ooh, yeah, because it's only two people to a fight, but another rule says that if it's your first time, you have to fight. I didn't even cover that rule yet. You were gonna, though. All right, fine, if everybody has to fight, and there's an odd number of people, somebody will fight twice.
Oh, uh, I'm not going twice. I might not go once. You know what, I'm gonna take a bye. I'll take a bye the first round. Oh, no, no, there's no buys, there's no sitting it out.
Fight Club? Hey! I got an axe! What? No, what are you doing here?
I invited her. She's cool, don't worry about it.
Brendan, there are no girls in Fight Club. It's not one of the rules. Ooh, hey, yeah, you blew two whole rules on that whole not talking about Fight Club thing. You never really specified if women can fight. Oh, and hey, like, what happens if we have a tie? So wait, are we allowed to talk about it here? Because in my other Fight Club, we can't.
All right, stop! Forget it.
Cody, Dan, you're fighting, right now. No. Fight, or you're both fighting me.
Sounds much worse. Way worse.
You're gonna be good. All right, you're gonna get it. Yeah, everyone's gonna fight each other.
Go. What? Are we doing hands up? We have to do, like, one of these. Just pick them up, pick them up. No. Over here. A little weird. Stop! No, get back in line.
Guys, what the hell? I'm sorry, man. It's just way different than I thought it was gonna be. My heart's like... Yeah, man.
All those guys, they know how to fight somehow. But, like, I've never been in a fight, so how do I know? Look, yeah, I don't wanna punch Cody. In the face?
That's... Yeah, probably what I would've done. No, I hated that. I figured. Yeah. So I didn't do it.
Dammit, I just saw Fight Club, and I wanted us to do something cool. Like, something badass, something fun. You just saw Fight Club. And you guys just ruined it with your bullshit, and your questions, and you're talking about Fight Club. I had a makeup person do this for me. I thought you got in a real fight.
It looks pretty good. It does. So good. Thank you.
But you... You know what? Forget it. Oh. See, I feel like we should be able to talk about Fight Club at Fight Club. Right, right. We're here, agree with you, but I think there's a bigger thing to deal with now. Hey! Hey, we're sorry. We don't even wanna talk about Fight Club. Come on. Hey, you know what? How about if I punch Cody in the face as hard as I can? Yeah. Alright.
Can I pass? Hey, poo-to. It's pee.
Michael Swaim. All of our jokes are that good. Or better sometimes. So subscribe. |
TheOnion | Final_Minutes_Of_Last_Harry_Potter_Movie_To_Be_Split_Into_Seven_Separate_Films | Warner Brothers announced today they will split the last four minutes of the final Harry Potter film into seven individual movies Madison Daly has the star fix That's right wizards and muggles the wildly successful Harry Potter series isn't over yet Warner Brothers will be expanding the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 into its own epic franchise of full-length movies Using existing takes from various angles expanded CGI elements and some editing magic The studio will continue their five billion dollar series until at least the year 2019.
Let's take a look in an early teaser trailer Fans of the boy wizard are thrilled to be able to see Harry Potter movies for years to come I'm relieved they're making an entire movie about the moment when Harry Potter gasps because that's very important in the books I already bought tickets to all seven parts So I hope I don't have a job where I have to work weekends when I grow up Warner Brothers has already begun to roll out merchandise for the new movies including the Hermione nearly touching face and concern doll from part 2 part 3 and the Hermione actually touching face and concern doll from part 2 part 4 as well as the gray clouds action figure for The ominous clouds that feature prominently in part 2 part 6 if the movies are a success Warner Brothers may release several all-new Potter films from the perspectives of different characters Take for instance the Quidditch player in the background in the Prisoner of Azkaban now, what's he doing when he's not on screen?
That's a movie and how about the broom he's riding when he's not using it.
It's collecting mildew in the corner That's another movie studio documents leaked by ain't it cool news calm also raised the possibility of making Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 part 8 into its own franchise turning the release schedule into an asymptote that Perpetually moves closer to completion while never actually ending with the star fix.
I'm Madison daily Well, the trend seems to be catching on producers of the new Cameron Diaz film bad teacher have decided to split that movie into zero parts and never release it |
ClickHole | watch_these_people_tell_their_worst_breakup_stories | We had been living together for about three years, which makes any breakup messy. But then once she finally moved out, she refused to come to my house and pick up her half of the cat. I called her every day to ask her to come pick up her chunks of the calico, but she never picked up, so I assumed she didn't want it and tossed the chunks in the alleyway. But a few weeks later, she shows up out of nowhere, suddenly demanding the legs and tail and rectum of her cat back. Yeah, well, she should have asked months ago because by that point they had been picked clean by the raccoons. After my co-worker and I stopped showing each other our privates, I realized that even though we weren't nude around each other anymore, sometimes I'd still remember her privates, even when I wasn't trying to. It's weird to remember your co-worker's genitals, even though you and your co-worker don't show each other your genitals after work anymore.
I want to be broken up with more than anything in the world. I have too many husbands, and because of that, I want fewer husbands. I wish one of my husbands would break up with me because I think that would be nice and good. Every time I date someone, they never break up with me, so I marry them and then I get one more husband. I can't remember their names and they are all very healthy. I think maybe no one will ever break up with me, and my healthy husbands will never die, so I will have too many husbands forever. I remember turning on the TV two months after we broke up and seeing him escape a collapsed Chilean mine with a bunch of other miners. After a rough breakup, there's nothing worse than seeing your ex doing well, sobbing all over the news about how happy he is to be alive and seeing his family again. It's like, give me space, Juan. |
TheOnion | New_Live_Poll_Lets_Pundits_Pander_To_Viewers_In_Real_Time | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is away protesting gay marriage. Today for the first time on In The Know we are giving viewers a chance at home to agree or disagree with our panelists comments using the Instapoll tracker on our website. Panelists you'll see the live results right here in the studio. Let's get started.
The dollar has posted incremental gains against both the pound and the euro in recent weeks. Are things looking up for the US economy? Gregory it's not that simple. First off, the value of the dollar is not a reliable indicator of our fiscal health. There are a number of factors involved, many of which will not become apparent for years to come. The long and short of it is that things are going to get bad before they get better. I actually don't think the situation is quite so grim. I think that the economy actually is on the rebound. Yeah I agree. I don't believe in this gloom and doom stuff. I think that the future is very bright as long as we all pull up our bootstraps. Just to clarify, I did not mean to say that the economy is in bad shape. But didn't you just say that you believe it will continue to get worse?
Believe you said that. Right. Technically. But what I meant to say semantically.
But the real reason that the economy is doing better right now is because the hard working Americans out there, all of the smart, resilient, hard working Americans out there. Who is going to pay for all these government bailouts, our children, our poor, poor children? See Terrence, is the average American losing faith in the economy?
Well Gregory, when you come home, open your post office box and find a huge stack of bills, it's discouraging. These bills are such a discouraging thing to find when you open your post office box. And that is not something a person wants to find when they open their post office box. Yes, in some ways the economy is like a post office box. I have several post office boxes. Because a post office box is like a mailbox. Post office box.
Duncan, could you tell us some ways that you think the economy is doing badly again? Well, I was actually discussing the economy with my good friend, the rapper Kanye West, who is a personal friend of mine and we visit frequently. You know, I think you were taking what I said earlier out of context. What I meant to say was that the economy can only be spurred into... |
dropout | the_mom_of_the_friend_group_ch_shorts | It's just so nice to see them having fun, you know, playing outside. Which one's yours? One. I wish. I have three. Over there.
Hi, Jess. Hi. Hi, boys. Hi. I'm the, uh, mom of our group of friends.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, wait. I thought that you said three. I only see two. Oh, yeah.
My Katie is late to everything. She'll show up soon with a coffee and some excuse about traffic or alarm. Bye. Oh, here she is. Sorry, I'm late. My alarm didn't go off, and also the traffic is so bad. Katie, your overalls are inside out. I know. You know, I started telling her to come to things 30 minutes earlier than everybody, hoping that it would even out, but, uh, she caught on. So smart.
Jess!
I'll hold the stupid thing. Okay.
Don't let us forget. It's on you. Don't let us.
Hi, hey. Hi, Beth. Hey, Raf. Come here. You have a stain. Oh, yeah.
I got it last week. I haven't watched it since. We went to Korean BBQ last week for Rafy's birthday, and, you know, it was cash only and nobody brought any, even though we've been there like seven times. Still waiting to get memo'd for that one.
Jess? When are we going to the beer garden? Raf. Raf, come on! 8.30, remember? I sent a group invite, we talked about it in person.
Okay, cool. Okay. Ladies, my Amelia, look what she made. Oh. Aww. Oh, my Aiden is an artist too. Oh, that is adorable.
My Raffy designed his own tattoo. He said it symbolizes space. I'm begging him not to get it, but we'll see what happens. He's so creative.
Those are permanent. Trap, what are you doing? Nothing. What's in your hand? Whiskey. Where did you find it? On the ground. You don't drink things that you find here. I want some.
You're not my real mom, you can't tell me what to do. I don't know what's gotten into him. I think it's just the terrible 32s.
Hey Jess, Jess, when are we going to the beer garden? 8.30. Tonight, remember we just talked about it?
No, we didn't. No. Okay, I didn't remind you, yeah.
Oh, sweetie, did you get a boo-boo? Oh, come on. Oh, Katie, come here.
What is it? What happened? I texted Martin, and I didn't text me back. What's wrong with me?
Oh, there, there, nothing's wrong with you. Even though I am fraught with my own self-conscious insecurities, I'll put them aside to help you out, yeah? You're wonderful. Thank you. Here, put this in your purse. Okay. Kids, these certainly are a handful.
Tell me, why are you still friends with them? Oh, well, I'm a 30-year-old woman, so it is harder to make friends at this point in my life, and I have this need to be in control of everything, you know, while resenting it at the same time, so there's that. Well, if that's not being a mom, then I don't know what is.
Yes, we're gonna go to Trump's house and we're gonna make each other watch YouTube videos that we like. Okay, well, text me when you get there, and don't forget about the beer garden tonight, okay? We're going to a beer garden?
Yes, yes, we've talked about this. No. No, I did bring it up. Yay. Yeah, you can't gaslight me, I did this. Oh, we're gonna see a movie at 8.30, if you wanna come. Oh. I knew they were gonna forget. |
cracked | 7_popular_restaurants_with_secret_menu_items_you_need_to_try_today_s_topics | How about something... Okay, something with... Okay, like Parks and Rec. But if no, that's just the office. Fudge all of this, man.
We're fading and I'm getting sick of Red Bull. It tastes like Red Bull.
I'm going to make a Starbucks run. You want in? Yeah! Is it weird if I get a few things? Save some for later? Well, judging by the fact that our notes are currently something with... and then that's crossed out, I think it's safe to say we're buckled in for the evening. Cool! Then get me a butterbeer latte for now, short please, and for later I'll take a cotton candy frappe and a chapel tea dirty pop. Either none of those things were coffee, or I'm having sleep deprivation delusions, or you're having sleep deprivation insanity. Clearly those are the only option. Oh man! Tell me you know about secret menus! What, like half-calf add soy or whatever? No way! Man, it's a whole thing. The Starbucks secret menu is among the most extensive, but there's a lot of them. Okay, so what did you want?
Butterbeer latte. It's like a cinnamon toffee magic thing. They'll know what to do. Short is the size that they don't mention having, but they have it. And then the other thing was they have this way that they make a frappuccino, and it tastes like cotton candy, and I don't know how. I just get it. And then lastly was a spiced apple tea with chai powder mixed in, and then you take a cake pop and you stir it into it.
Because deep down I'm a monster.
Uh-huh, and all the restaurants do this. It's not just Starbucks? Oh yeah! All kinds in and out, obviously. Wendy's has a barnyard burger that's just like all the meats in the kitchen stacked together in a burger. Just all of them.
KFC will give you poutine, jamba juice, jamba juice. Jamba juice? I've been calling it jamba juice. You know, like Colbert Report or a Yummy Fallon. Okay, I'm less surprised that you don't know about secret menus now. But yeah, jamba juice can make smoothies that taste like anything.
Gummy bears of any color, push pops, Reese's Pieces, Now and Later's, you name it. Reese's Pieces? Yes! Now I'm hungry, man.
What's open right now? Walking distance?
Uh, you could get quesareto at Chipotle. That's like their basic burrito, but they wrap it in a cheese quesadilla. It's like the stuffed crust pizza of burritos.
Or you could go to McDonald's. If you go to McDonald's, get me a McShamrock, a McGang Bang, that's a double cheeseburger with a chicken patty in between the patties, a mega potato fries with the Big Mac sauce to split, and my friend, you have got to try an apple pie McFlurry.
So are we going into a diabetic coma tonight? Is that the new plan? Is there any way that we can tie that into Batman, maybe? No, definitely not.
But did you know if you get to McDonald's right when they're switching over from breakfast to lunch, they will make you an Egg McMuffin with a burger patty in it. It's called a Mc1035.
Why? Just, just go. Okay, if I get all of these awful things in return, will you please just have one idea for me to shoot down when we get back? Can do.
Something with...
Hey guys, it's Adam Ganzer. You know, the Ganz. I'm one of the correct personalities here. You should subscribe to YouTube. You know, it's the Ganz. You know, I'm one of those guys. I was in a video a few months ago. I was, I wore a hoodie in the internet party and I was in a few today's topics. A few people said something about that. It's, you know, so, you know, it's your guy, the Ganz. Subscribe for the Ganz.
Please. |
dropout | what_will_kevin_do_for_ricky_s_money_beverly_hills_ | and make mine a diet. Hi, I'm Patrick Hassel's.
John Luke Godard once said that great cinema doesn't just entertain the viewer, it provokes you. It challenges you. What could be more challenging than watching the number one film in the country, Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Really?
Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Beverly Hills Chihuahua, seven times in a row.
I'm here with Kevin Corrigan, college humor writer. Here are the rules.
Any nervousness? No, I feel good that clearly you're lying, clearly you're terrified. Are you ready? I'm ready. Then take your ticket. First showing, over. Initial thoughts?
It was awful. You have earned so far zero dollars, and if you're paying with your own money, you would actually be twelve dollars in debt. I have to ask, was it worth it? So far seeing it for free, no. Let's do another one. You gotta do another one. It's terrible.
I have here a review from the New York Post that claims Beverly Hills Chihuahua quote is as if it were directed by a four-legged Spike Lee. No, it's strong. So a two-legged Spike Lee then? That's just Spike Lee. You heard it here first, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, directed by Spike Lee.
If you choose to wear this sweatshirt, you will win an extra fifty dollars. I think I've already lost all my self-respect for the day, so let's do it. Kevin Corrigan's been watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua for several hours now, but who's watching Kevin Corrigan? We've set up a special night vision camera inside the theater to not only keep Kevin honest, but to see the effects of Beverly Hills Chihuahua on the human condition. Let's take a look. Hmm, you can just see him getting richer.
Is he still breathing? Can we get confirmation on that? He's not, okay. It is close to one o'clock in the morning.
We have been kicked out of the theater. Kevin Corrigan is just emerging now. He has just finished his seventh showing of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Kevin, congratulations. Kevin Corrigan, seven showings. You may have potentially seen this movie more than anyone else in the country.
Is there a sense of pride there? Yeah, a sense of accomplishment. You're damn right there is. Do I get to keep the sweatshirt? Kevin, it was an honor and a pleasure working with you. I hope to see you around the office if your eyes haven't melted out of their sockets by then. |
cracked | the_pervert_s_guide_to_classic_adult_video_games | Hi there, and welcome back to Retro Gaming Freak Show, where I pervert warning, pervert warning. Going forward, this perverted video will talk about perverted things that only sick perverts will like. You've been warned, Christians, talk about weird old games.
40 million sexual Americans enjoy pornography on a regular basis, and 150 million epic Americans play video games regularly. And I don't think I'm taking too wild a guess when I say that the 40 million porno people are comfortably nestled in that 150 million gamer army.
So then what would the consumer market's natural reaction be? You'd think so. I thought so. But what happened instead?
It's been happening since the dawn of gaming, all the way back to the ugly Atari 2600. But the interactive porno genre has never quite found the right audience on consoles. But believe me, developers have tried. Here's a naughty peek into the retro world of gaming after dark. In the 90s, there was a randy batch of old game discs released. They were meant to be interactive, stimulating, and also porn. These came in handy for the pervert in hiding, where instead of heading to the adult film store on the outskirts of town where you're only 18 and the guy working talks to you way too much and his breath smells like granola bars, you could head to electronics boutique and pick up a Skinemax quality adventure such as Voyeur, released for the Philips CDI system in 1993.
You assume the role of a peeping tom private eye stationed across the street from the estate of mega wealthy fictional CEO Reed Hawk. Through binoculars, you watch and listen as his family attempts to overthrow his corrupt plan to run for president. This game has an adaptive storyline that changes depending on the player's choices. And on top of that, everyone is having sex the whole time.
Here's my favorite well-mannered moment, hidden behind some Venetian blinds. He's so polite! But if manners aren't your thing, you're also able to be scolded for your naughty voyeuristic actions by the end.
That is definitely the game developers talking to themselves. It's everything you'd ever want from a soft core simulation. Until it goes off the rails.
That's right, a grown woman attempts to blackmail Reed Hawk for sexually assaulting her when she was a teenager. Oh, she's also his niece.
And if you're not good enough at the point and click gameplay, the game will end with Reed poisoning her, killing her, and continuing his run for president. You have the power to write any storyline that could ever exist, and this is what you come up with? Come on! Stick to the sexy Tai Chi in the sunscreen. Keep the incest out of it. Here's another cursed, choose-your-own-adventure game.
Plumbers don't wear ties for the Panasonic 3DO in 1993.
You can tell the milk has curdled with the production company title card that kicks the whole thing off. This game and this fucked up clown are the only things ever associated with United Pictures. Well, that and its signature sound mark of a light bulb exploding.
Build as an interactive romantic comedy, you again control how the story plays out between John and Jane, two beautiful people trying to make it in LA. But then a scary boss man wants to do bad things to Jane, so you have to run away. This sloppy little chase scene serves as the weak foundation for you to ogle a woman running around Los Angeles in her bra.
And by ogle, I mean view a bunch of still photographs with voice acting laid on top. This game had the potential to be a wonderful early 90s time capsule. If everyone in the early 90s was athletic, tan, and barely clothed.
But we play fun video games to escape our not fun reality. So again, I ask you why on earth would you put this horrendous moment smack dab in the middle of a silly skin fling. Look how scary this is. Men demanding sex is not a fun fantasy to plug into and play. It's disgusting. These CD-ROM answers could have just copied the successful formula of a soft core cable show with loose plot threads bookending the action. But no, outside of a few frames of adult content, the bulk of your time is spent navigating a me too slideshow. And the weirdest thing is that these games have these self-reflective moments where they know they could have done better. Instead of refining the stories, they keep the action gross and evil, and then make the narrator scold you. Look at this clip that almost exactly parrots the voyeur detective. That is insane.
It's girls! In bikinis. Playing sports!
Let's start with BMX XXX. Its origin was well-intentioned, initially starting out as the third installment of Dave Mira's freestyle BMX.
But before the game was released, the developers realized the game was more Tom Green than Tony Hawk. And instead of working harder and trying to produce a well-crafted game of quality, they took the oldest sales shortcut known to pervert kind. Throw some boobs on there. Dave Mira took a claim to court and demanded his name be taken off the game after his lawyers saw the content. They obliged, but instead of gunning after another pro biker's endorsement, they dug their paws further into the filth. The developers partnered with the criminally defunct Strip Club Scores to play a major part in the game. And that's when all hell broke loose. There's full live-action video of strippers that you can unlock. There's ways to make your biker ride topless. There's even several missions in the game where you have to go to a virtual scores.
Now, I need to make something clear. I am all for healthy eroticism. I believe in our ability to produce and enjoy art that stimulates much more than the frontal lobe.
But no! All of these games are just boys' club failures. And before you tell me, hey, there's some naked guys in the game, too.
Watch this interview from the release party with a woman who had live-action footage of her dancing in the game. I had bruises up and down my arms, my legs. It was just right after I did the commercial, I just went home, right to bed.
That is fucked up. Include everyone and don't hurt anyone. Two golden rules that somehow these incels of days past forgot to follow. Oh, speaking of incels, here's what the guy who made the game has to say. Women like to be entertained and look at beautiful women. Oh, shit. Dude, good point.
While we're on the topics of boys' clubs and digital breasts in the early 2000s, I'd like to bring up Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball, the 2003 Xbox beach volleyball spinoff of the popular fighting game series Dead or Alive. The plot is as follows. Zach, a fighter from Dead or Alive, wins a jackpot and opens an island resort and casino called Zach Kingdom and invites all the female fighters to compete in a volleyball tournament on Da Beach.
That's all. That's it.
Of all these perverted titles, this one is the least offensive. All of the smuddiness comes from the fact that you're at a beach and everyone has to wear swimwear. But the mechanics are cool. The game progresses in an interesting way and there are some fun gambling opportunities mixed in. There's also a very rudimentary social aspect of the game where you can give your fellow beach babes gifts and court new volleyball partners. It's all generally harmless and playfully sexy. And actually, there's some good lessons about friendship if your love language is bracelets and nail polish. There's some nice symbolism in the last cutscene of this game where a man making inappropriate advances gets left in a volcanic explosion as his date blasts away on a jetpack. A certified win for both feminists and the wearable tech community.
Simulation games have always toyed with the naughtier corners of our minds. Having your Sims commit adultery or trying to get the shower door at the exact right angle can lead to hours of sexy fun and frustration. But here are two examples where the libido takes the driver's seat and then crashes the car. Here's a fun one. The Playboy Mansion game for the PlayStation 2 in 2005. It's The Sims, but you're Hugh Hefner and it's all in the Playboy Mansion. Your mission is to grow the Playboy Empire by editing the magazine, throwing celebrity parties, and having sex in the grotto.
This one is pretty straightforward. There's nothing too evil lurking in the shadows. And aside from the fact that the mansion appears to be free of dog shit and Legionnaires disease, it feels like the most honest example of adult entertainment you'd expect from a brand like Playboy.
There's even a really uplifting video message from Hugh when you beat the game. Thanks Hugh.
If Hugh Hefner is on the classy end of the pervert spectrum, leisure suit Larry's on the very far away exact opposite. He's on a whole nother spectrum. The 70s throwback lounge lizard obsessed with double entendre has been around since 1987, but he made a major return to the scene. With 2004's PS2 and Xbox sequel, leisure suit Larry, magna cum laude.
The plot is this. You're attending Walnut Log Community College, where the popular dating show Swingles is looking for its next season's cast. Larry, desperate for a lay, decides to throw his hat in the ring. But to get on the show, the host wants you to prove it to her that you can manage on your own without the help of a dating show. So it's basically a dating simulator set on a college campus.
It sounds great. I hope it's not misogynistic or homophobic or evil in any way. Larry fakes being gay to see some women naked. There's a sex scene with some sisters in it. It's outrageous and perverted, but I would say unhealthily so.
It feels like American Pie teamed up with Spencer's Gifts and decided to make an anti-woman video game. There's so many moral issues with this game, but the one that really sticks out to me is that every interaction with a woman is alcohol-fueled. A simulated fantasy game seems like a great place to practice conversation that doesn't depend on booze. And hey, I like a drink or six. I'm not trying to make some epic commentary on alcoholism. I'm just saying, Get Girls Drunk is a straight-up evil foundation for a video game.
Audience is tuning in to see who ends up sleeping with who. They need to believe that with enough alcohol, these girls are actually going to spend the night with you. It falls in line with the rest of the early 2000s titles, where the sky was the limit with how wacky this stuff got. There's a monkey masturbation scene. There's a dominatrix bar where you can do leather stuff. There's even a full-frontal sex scene with a walnut log mascot. But instead of being a fabulous freak show, it all feels soured by the fact that the entire game is based around getting people drunk.
Humankind is born to make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes, and we move through life stronger, tempered by the fires of failure. But what happens to those of us who cannot prosper? What happens when we follow the rabbit hole of defeat?
You end up with games far away from reality or any ethical groundedness. We Dare and The Guy Game. We Dare is an adult-oriented party video game developed by Ubisoft Milan for the Wii and PlayStation 3 gaming systems. It is marketed as a sexy, quirky party game and involves kissing, striptease, and spanking.
I mean, that's it. It was only released in Europe and Australia. It's really bizarre and really bad. Here's the commercial.
What a nice dinner party. I can't wait to play video games. Oh, boy. I love the Nintendo Wii. I hope someone kisses my Wiimote. Oh, nice. We all grew up in the same town.
The Guy Game, for Xbox and PS2 in 2004, is the final boss of misogynistic video games. I don't want to talk about this game for more than 30 seconds, so here goes. In 2004, a bunch of dipshits went to South Padre and filmed girls doing trivia at Spring Break. In the game, you do trivia alongside them, and if they get it wrong, they flash their breasts. It's a pig sty of a game, and it's only made worse by the fact that one of the girls was 17 when they filmed her bringing a lawsuit upon the game and bringing a halt to the production of that version of the game.
Phew! Disgusting.
We Dare and the Guy Game are perfect examples of untethered psychosis and distilled misogyny. The two main diagnoses of why sex games don't work and are bad. Bad at being video games and also like naughty bad, but not naughty sexy like naughty like needs therapy. Look, I'm not claiming brilliance for calling out early 2000s sex games for being not inclusive enough or lacking in sexual points of view. All I'm saying is, compared to someone who was raised on these games, the guy who grew up playing Yoshi's Story is less likely to get full blown canceled.
In an ideal world, we'd all have a mountain of healthily sexual games, and we'd all be up to our ears in entertainment and pleasure and respect. But these games aren't in an ideal world. They're in our world. Our dirty, filthy world. Where volleyball is the last bastion of healthy erotica, and filthy clowns can get away with anything. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Getting_A_Good_Night_s_Sleep | It's easy to spend hours tossing and turning every night, struggling to fall asleep.
Well, no need to worry any longer.
Here are the onion's tips for getting a good night's sleep. First, it's important to minimize the intrusion of light into your bedroom by sleeping inside a large black trash bag. Rent a professional sleep coach to watch over you for the eight hours you're in bed, so he can wake you up any time you look like you aren't having the perfect night's sleep. If you're still having a hard time sleeping, simply lie awake in bed waiting for the warm, eternal rest of death that inevitably comes to all of us with time. Also, don't forget to evaluate your room to rid it of any distractions, such as televisions, pillows, sheets, or beds.
There. That's better.
And of course, one last trick for when you're drifting off to sleep is listening to my voice as I read from my new fantasy novel for young adults, The Tiger Wing Chronicles, Book 1, Arendor's Awakening, Prologue. Dagon Norford's quickly-paced footsteps echoed through the dark halls of Thorndale Manor. Sharply turning corner after corner, the olive-skin boy of 19 was trailed closely by his trusted accomplice and own personal tiger, Lucius, whose emerald eyes practically illuminated the path ahead of them. When we reach the main hall, we may have to keep our guards about us, mused Dagon, brushing back a long strand of his jet-black hair as the hint of a smile traced across his face.
Members of the Tiger Wing haven't been allowed in Thorndale Manor for centuries now. Things could get dangerous.
Lucius strode confidently behind Dagon, seemingly emboldened by the young warrior's statement. Before more time had passed, Dagon flung open the iron gates leading to the Hallway of the Kings. Now moving carefully, the two companions gingerly approach the great hall, where their arrival... |
dropout | five_minutes_back | WTF. That sucked. I wish I had those five minutes back.
Alright, let's watch some funny internet videos. This one looks good.
Don't watch it! What the?
Listen, I'm you from the future. You're me!
This video, it sucks so bad. It sucks so bad that I built a time machine to come back and warn you not to watch it. Wow, that's pretty bad. Trust me, if you watch that video, you will spend the rest of your life wishing you had those five minutes back. You know, now I kind of want to watch a video bad enough to make me build a time machine and warn myself not to watch it.
Clicksters! No! Oh! See, I told you.
That was super dumb. I can't believe I watched that twice now. Whoever posted this has got to be retarded.
Or gay.
I wish I had those five minutes of my life back. Trust me, if you watch this video, you'll spend the rest of your life back.
Don't do it! What the?
We're the both of you from the future. We get it.
You can't watch that video. We were just about to not to. You were going to watch it, trust me. Don't watch it. Fine, I won't watch it.
Good, fine, good. It does have a pretty funny title though.
No! That was so stupid and dumb. Why didn't you warn us more? We tried. It doesn't even make any sense. Epic fail.
Right fuck you, right fuck you. I wish I had those five minutes back.
You were going to watch it, trust me. Don't watch it, trust me. Don't watch it.
What the? Oh, we were going to watch it again, weren't we? Yeah, stupid. Why not stupid? You're the ones who already watched it again.
Shut up. You shut up.
Hey, what's the future like? We're five minutes ahead, dude.
Wait, did you just click it? Yeah. Shh. The beginning's actually pretty good. Oh!
I can't believe I spent the last 20 minutes watching this video. Fail. Someone's got too much time on their hands.
Hey, fuck you. No, I meant write that in the comments. Oh yeah, right fuck you too.
You guys want to go back in time and watch it again? Yeah! |
TheOnion | Man_Moving_To_New_City_Never_Took_Time_To_Truly_Loathe_Surroundings | Mere days before his upcoming relocation to Denver, Colorado, four-year Chicago resident Paul Marsden admitted today that he wished he had taken a little more time to truly loathe the city he has lived in for nearly half a decade.
You know, I've been here for a couple years, but now that I'm finally leaving, I realize I never really got to hate this place.
Marsden confirmed that in the time he's lived in the city, he never quite managed to explore his own shitty neighborhood, adding that he regrets never getting to know the stuck-up workers at the cafe down the block, never visiting the overpriced bodega on his corner, and never becoming violently ill from the food at the crappy Mexican place across the street from him.
You know, I lived right next to that bar for four years, and I just wish I took more time to abhor the disgusting smell that hits you every time you walk by.
I'd always heard this place blows.
I guess it's a shame I never got to hate it like I should.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | hallie_part_2_j_a_archives | Jake, you're going to Amir talk to your girlfriend like that? She's not my girlfriend anymore. Hallie.
Hi. Hi, Amir. How are you doing? Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Who would win in a fight? Between who?
Answer my question first. I can't. I'm just joking. I think Jake needs to give me a gift right now, so let me talk to you later. Don't ask me to choose between him and you right off the bat, okay? Because that doesn't matter. You're not going to win.
I'll be. Let's go, guys. Definitely.
Should have known. Did you see her shoes? Her shoes are normal.
Okay, exactly. You know, just keep talking to her, okay? It's working. Just, you know, talk to her like you talk to me, right, Pat?
Amir, remember when you made Jake punch me? Yeah. I don't need that type of negativity right now, okay? Come on. Wish me luck, boys. Good luck. Hey, baby. Maybe. Hallie. I like your hair. Thank you. Is it brown? Yeah. I know. I have a secret.
Okay, what is it? It's stupid. It's not even worth it. No, what is it?
Just that I think you're pretty. Thank you. Okay, I think she's actually laughing at him.
Have you ever heard, like, a piece of your orbital bone or something, like, break off and maybe float towards your cornea? I'm trying to listen. Hold on. It's just that I don't have health insurance, and it's still kind of blurry.
Do you want to get ice cream sometimes? Or sometime with me? No, sometimes ice cream is stupid. No, I like that.
Really? Oh, my God. Did she just say yes?
I'm not sure, because there's a ringing in my ear. Remember the punch? Yeah, the punch.
Okay, shut up. Just shut up about that, all right? Do you hear this? Shut up. Shut up, Pat.
Yes, I heard that. I have a secret, too, actually. What is the answer about the ice cream being nutty? No, I just, I think you're really pretty, pretty funny.
Stupid. Live. Jamie, I'm dead getting late. |
dropout | the_official_list_of_what_you_have_to_watch | In today's media-saturated landscape, it is often difficult to tell which television shows and movies you have to watch and which are merely optional. In order to clarify the matter, the U.S. Office of Mandatory Media has partnered with College Humor to issue this official list of what you have to watch. Any hot new original series on HBO, you have to watch. But any original series on Showtime, you don't have to watch. Science fiction blockbusters featuring a hyperactive explosion-loving raccoon, you do have to watch. But science fiction blockbusters directed by a hyperactive explosion-loving human, you don't have to watch.
Sherlock, the BBC series starring Benedict Cumberbatch, is mandatory. But any other adaptation of Sherlock Holmes is not.
Classic movies about Nazis, you have to watch. But movies starring Nazis, you don't have to watch. Reboots are not mandatory. However, movies that were good enough to reboot in the first place are. Any movie starring Paul Rudd, you don't have to watch.
But you know, check it out if you're on a plane. I call them plane movies.
Now, when it comes to television, some series are so long and uneven that you only have to watch certain episodes or seasons. Friday Night Lights, you have to watch everything but season two. Battlestar Galactica. You have to watch everything except the last episode, and the one where Lee goes to the black market. Arrested Development? You have to watch everything except the Netflix episodes. They were a letdown and everyone knows it. The Simpsons. You have to watch everything from seasons three through nine, up until the Armin Tanzerian episode when they jumped the shark. Oh, and Lisa's substitute. That one's a tear-chirker, got it. Seinfeld. You only have to watch the Soup Nazi and the one where George tells the golf ball story about the whale. The Wire. You only have to watch every season of The Wire. What, you thought I was going to let you crumb bum skip season two? If you don't like season two, you just don't get the show, man. Here's an advanced one.
You have to watch the Ghostbusters movie starring Bill Murray. But the real Ghostbusters cartoon starring Lorenzo Music, you don't have to watch. But the Garfield cartoon starring Lorenzo Music is mandatory, while the Garfield movie starring Bill Murray definitely isn't.
That's crazy. Finally, there is a third category. Media, you don't have to watch, but you do have to say you have to watch. Super important Netflix documentaries. Ooh, I really have to watch that. Classic black and white movies. I really want to watch that someday. It's in my queue. The News. Oh, fuck yeah, I really got to watch that more. To be honest, it's my New Year's resolution. This concludes the official list of what you have to watch. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to catch up on Game of Thrones.
Whoa. Wait, who the fuck is this guy? Have we seen him before? Hey guys, I'm Adam Cottover from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe or here to watch another video. Do it now before I light myself on fire. I swear I'll do it. I swear I will, so click now. Click now before... Oh, why didn't you click? |
SaturdayNightLive | the_apprentice_saturday_night_live | Amy Jimmy Finesse Your task for this week was to prepare an episode of Saturday Night Live for me to host. We've just finished the dress rehearsal. how do you think it went? Finesse. What do you think of the dress rehearsal? How did it go? I thought it was strong and Amy the show we're about to. Do you think it's gonna be a good one?
Yes, sure. Absolutely.
George, What did you think of the dress rehearsal? I thought it sucked. That's George. Did you hear that? George thought it sucked? Well, Mr. Trump, maybe we didn't achieve our main goal of getting people to laugh.
But um, I think we functioned as a team and I think we communicated strongly and I think we had a good dynamic. Well, I didn't see a lot of communication. Finesse barely said anything.
Oh, I'm new. This idiot was laughing the whole time.
Basically, what happened here? You failed. Who's to blame Jimmy? That lady. You want to blame Carolyn. What do you say to Carolyn, what are you doing? What do you think? Jimmy, You really never impressed me? Listen, somebody here. somebody here's got to take responsibility for this mess. because it's not funny Amy. give me a reason why you should stay.
I'm very funny. I do very funny characters and voices like I have a lot of energy and I'm a leader. That's just great.
Jimmy, you were the project manager in this. Who do you think should get fired? Well if if Carolyn's out of the running, then probably finesse, Why finesse? Cuz cuz Amy and I have a standing agreement that if we got in here, we'd pick finesse. What finesse?
What do you think of that? First of all, nobody's firing me cuz there's only four black people on Nbc. Think about it. you have me. You have Keenan. You have Kwame and Whoopi. Come on. Well, you know, that's very true.
Who should I fire Amy? Uh, Fire Jimmy.
I guess what. We had an agreement. Yeah. well, I didn't come on Snl to make friends. I came to win. All right, look, give me a few minutes.
I want to make a decision this week on the almost final episode of Frasier. Will Niles and Daphne ever fine. Ah, who cares, Frasier on Nbc?
All right, I've made my decision. Jimmy, You're fired. Hold on Trump, this is my show. I'll handle this. Yeah. yeah, give me your fire, huh, I really, really enjoyed working with you. All right. well, I want to thank you for the opportunity.
Learn a lot. See a lot of people going in out of this door here. it's Saturday Live. you'll laugh. chuckle. You know, it felt good to fire someone. It's actually fun, isn't it?
Amy? You're fired, too. What? Go get Parnell. I'm shocked by this outcome, You know, the only reason Amy didn't get fired is because she uses her feminine sexuality to get laughs, You know, Finesse uses his feminine sexuality to get laughs.
Well, that was a hard one. It's only gonna get hotter. That's what she said. |
cracked | 5_magical_combinations_of_the_world_s_coolest_things_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you can tell a lot about a people's priorities by the number of cliches they've invented for a given scenario. We're metaphorically prepared for a satisfying meal to hit the spot or scratch us right where we itch, and can describe people who get the best of us in financial transactions with no less than 20 uniquely offensive comparisons to the giving and taking habits of persecuted ethnic minorities. What about when we want to describe a great marriage or the songwriting of Lennon and McCartney, the NBA jamming of Tim Hardaway and Chris Mullins?
You're not f***ing Hitchcock. But if cliches do tell us something about who we are as a people, as I arbitrarily suggested a minute ago, shouldn't we have one for Riggs and Murtaugh? Today I bring you a series of candidates. You had no idea went together so well, you have to go read both of their Wikipedia pages from top to bottom. For instance, instead of peas and carrots, may I suggest that we go together like...
Watching bears discover hammocks for the first time is like being a new parent, seeing something through the eyes of your curious, fairly stupid child. It also makes you realize that bears are just the best. Giant toddler-shaped dogs with the coordination of a shit-faced Andre the Giant. But when they figure out the hammock, they f***ing nail it. If you told me that bear installed that hammock himself, and the only piece of evidence was this video, I would literally have no choice but to believe you.
I've been a professional stuntman and stunt coordinator for 18 years. Turns out you can't appreciate the nonchalance it takes to pull off a card trick and the desperation of every flaming stuntman who's ever wandered through the background of your movie until you've seen them combined in the same desperate person. Veteran stunt coordinator and self-proclaimed expert at cheating at cards, Steve Truglia decided to make sure we didn't have to go through life wondering what a 250-pound man standing perfectly still while doing birthday party magic while engulfed in flames would look like. I'm going to be performing the world's most dangerous card trick. Steve starts his sleight-of-hand trick well, but as he approaches the last card, his calm appears to falter. The answer? Like he really doesn't want to be doing either of those things. Still, it's hard to say that Truglia's display isn't impressive, even though his magic trick is essentially just trying to pull all four aces out of the deck before the flames overtake him. But it actually elevates what would normally be the most underwhelming card trick in the universe to something you can't take your eyes off of.
Horse riding is considered the sport of kings. Yoga? The white guy dreadlocks of sport. Not the types of things you'd think to put together any more than you'd try to take a spin class with an elk or jazzercise with a crocodile, and yet...
How have we not made a movie about this guy showing up in the Old West, where everyone was impressed if you could get a horse to come by whistling at it? Imagine how hard that horse's cowboy would take off his hat and stomp on it, right here. And here, and there, and just everywhere he appears to be seducing and kissing that horse on the neck. Which is a line I usually ask my yoga instructor not to cross. And now imagine that cowboy's grimace slowly melting into a look of wonder. I mean, it's hard to convince horses to do anything, much less lie on their backs. That's the whole point of the rodeo. As creepy as it looks at first, you can't ignore the social currency of being able to put your horse on the ground and do a handstand on its chest. That pretty much guarantees every eye at the party will be on you. By the end of that display, I'd like to imagine that even that cowboy would have to pick up his hat and spit in it. The universal cowboy sign of respect. He'd be standing over the guy's bullet-riddled body, having calmly emptied, refilled, and re-emptied his revolver into him when that fancy handstand business gave him a clean line of sight. But in the end, he would have learned something about his horse.
So we all win. That is it, my friend. No more yoga today. The question isn't whether he's going to f*** that horse, but why I'm so OK with it? Pulling out a ventriloquist's dummy is the fastest way to make people scatter without tear gas, but Miss Ohio McKenzie-Bart has chosen to combine ventriloquism with the storied tradition of the Miss America pageant.
Ugh, what's that word again? Super hella-frag-a-lyphic-ec-be-al-a-do-fib.
Even though the sound of it is something quite attractive. Having your hand up the ass of a sassy insult comic is a bit of an odd fit for the studied blandness of pageant culture. I'm very blessed to be surrounded by a very supportive and very loving family and friends. I think we can relate this back to education. I think there are some movies that depict women in a very positive role, and then some movies that put them in a little bit more of a negative role. There's actually a tradition of Miss America ventriloquism acts.
That's our only update. Oh brother. And it's impossible to look away from every time. Hey hey hey ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohhh...
But there's still just something about the way Miss Ohio's eyes go dead behind her fake smile whenever Roxy talks. Almost like she's warging into the doll, but more likely because she can't smile with her eyes and talk through her teeth at the same time. Down south, that's just how pretty girls talk shit, but all right, Ohio.
Bigger than Jersey Shore, I don't know. And yet, Mackenzie Bart was able to ride that crazy train to victory and win the talent portion of the 2014 Miss America pageant while losing the overall competition.
Probably the judge's way of saying, look, we admire your moxie, kid, but it's hard enough to watch these things without the fucked up childhood you must have had flashing through our minds, bringing a dummy into it is just like a horror movie. But man, what a horror movie.
To humans, a monkey doing anything? Automatically hilarious. We've been trying to shoehorn them into every conceivable activity, occupation, xenophobic dessert menu for as long as we've had the ability to share photographs with each other. Look at him, he thinks he's a baseball player. Monkeys apparently understand their role in the universe as the garnish of instant hilarity and have taken it upon themselves to start riding pigs like little horses.
Given our history of putting monkeys in humiliating situations, it was just a matter of time until we tried this, but what's weird is that there seems to be some kind of like natural, almost magnetic bond between monkeys and pigs. This one seems kind of emotional and one-sided. The pig doesn't care, but when it gets knocked off, the monkey flips the fuck out. Of course, people wouldn't be people unless we were exploiting this natural synergy to our advantage, so here's a video of a bunch of guys throwing baboons at wild pigs. It's unclear whether the baboons are wrestling the pigs to wear them down or whispering demoralizing truths about the meaninglessness of existence into their ears. Don't get too close to someone. Never know what might happen. But I guess it's kind of working. Still, it seems like the humans are doing the majority of the work, but hey, any excuse to throw monkeys at pigs, right?
You can tell us down in the comments. You know how this works. Make me feel bad about myself. Thanks for watching. |
Wizards_with_Guns | your_dad_is_a_little_too_proud_of_you_ | Morning, Brian. Jesus, Josh! I didn't think you'd be up. Do you think Dad loves us a little too much sometimes?
What? What makes you say that? Well, just the other day. Hey, son. Oh, what's this?
Oh, it's just a doodle. I was just sketching. Well, it's really good. Really? Yeah, son, this is no doodle. This is a work of art. Well, I mean, I really wasn't trying.
Son, son, son, son, son. My boy.
You've got some real talent. You know what we're gonna do with this? Dad, I'm a little too old for this. We're gonna put you on the fridge. Thanks, but wait. You mean put the drawing on the- Whoa! Dad, wait! What are you doing? You're going right here. Dad, please, wait.
Where everyone can see.
Dad, Dad, no! Dad, please! Dad! Dad, no!
That's my boy! Ahh!
Hmm. I don't know. I need ice.
Hey, kiddo, it's your dad calling again to say, if you like and subscribe, your mom and I will finally get back together. Heh, heh, heh, heh. Please come home. Son, you've got some real talent. I mean, you- You- Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Same. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_8_bit_rock_band | This week we are here with Ana Managuchi, a rock band that makes music with a hacked NES from 1985. I played bass.
He plays guitar.
And then our... So all the Nintendo stuff is pre-recorded and you play on stage? Right. It's an electronic player piano that also has Mega Man 2. How does this work? You're like, alright, we're on the first second of the song, let's go with a noise. Generally I come up with an idea off of the software first, like maybe I'll write it on guitar or a melody will just pop into my head and each key on this keyboard is mapped out to a musical note, like a keyboard, the C, D, E, F, G, you know, sharps and flats and stuff. I'm a musical genius.
You don't have to tell me about sharps and flats, but you might have to slow it down for Pat over there. How long does it take to make a whole track like this for a single song? For me at least it takes a long time to design the noise you want it to make. I mean choosing your particular notes is one thing. There's not like a library in the Nintendo chip of noises. Oh no, no, no, that's why it's interesting for like a songwriter or something like that because you literally have to start with something that sounds noise is actually a thousand little noises.
Exactly, yeah, someone constructed that noise. It's an interesting mix of art and programming because you have to be good at both. Yeah, yeah. And now using this hack Nintendo, are all these noises coming from this? Yeah, exactly.
Could that not be like simulate, could you not just have all the noises on a hard drive or do you just prefer to get them from here? Oh yeah, I mean we could be totally lame and just play it off a laptop, but it's way cooler to have the actual chip like working with you. It also sounds better, it's a very small difference and most people wouldn't realize it. We're sitting here writing music for a 20 year old system.
Let's do it right. Exactly. Oh, why don't we show a Weezer cover? Yeah. Oh yeah. So you actually got a new made video. Yeah.
Someone just completed the 8-bit reverse Cuomo running around. Yeah, going to Harvard and killing that.
Just for the audience at home, can you explain exactly what the different waves sound like? Yeah, sure. We have a channel for drum samples which sounds like this. Then you have the noise channel which you hear like it's not like a dragon shoots fire or something. Triangle wave for bass, you know. I know that one. That's the clock ticking noise. That's what triangle wave means, it means clock ticking down. Exactly. Then you have the two square waves. Square wave's my favorite, I love square wave. And when you put them all together, you get the chorus to vacation by the go-go's no matter what you're listening to. It sounds a little something like this. Yeah. That's cool. And then we throw guitars and drums and a bass in the mix and it sounds even cooler.
It sounds very difficult. They're going on stage and performing with all the sort of the dangers of a band plus all the dangers of a sort of engineering operation. Very accidently.
20 year old hardware. 20 year old engineering.
Just NASA needs good stuff. Just holding up the show. One second guys. |
TheOnion | Let_s_All_Take_A_Couple_Of_Hours_To_Salute_Ol_Glory | Pomp and Circumstance.
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SaturdayNightLive | final_encounter_cold_open_snl | Well hello once again. I am Agent Morris with the Nsa and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons. you three are a great interest to the Us government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction. I mean like this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trip into a Hot sauce expo. now we're Vip guests at the Pentagon. Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape so this is a real treat for me. Alright, good to hear. now let's start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft. Um, well. We had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light and it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well then we met these aliens, made up pure energy. almost like angels, sir.
I just about cried. And you Miss Rafferty? really? No, obviously not. yeah, I wasn't so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I'm I'm popping a squat on the median at the time, so I slide right out of my slacks and I'm being rocketed up to the ship with my coot coot and prune shooting. I barely managed to pull my wonderwear back up. I'm sorry your wonder wear? yeah, I called that because if you saw them, you'd wonder where they've been. So I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pal so little gray aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me. Colleen, This might be the most stable relationship you ever have. Well, that's unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?
Well, the aliens. They showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y'all never believed this. But those five forces were arranged in a pentagon. And there's a universal language that like bonds the universe together. the closest word we have to describe it is love.
And you miss Rafferty? a little different down in third class. I get on board. And the gray aliens, God bless them. they're already standing in a line waiting to bat my knockers around. so I think, what the hell, play the hits, right? I start unbuttoning my blouse, but I'm still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeastie and my beastie are in full view and listen. not to get too graphic, but pubically speaking, there's a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipster's beard stuffed into an N95. I'm not proud of it, but hey, why clean the house if nobody's coming over, right? Thank you Miss Rafferty for that detailed account.
Now what happened next with the energy beings? Well, the aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once. Yeah, I'm like how all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. it's kind of what we would call heaven. All right. So these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. meanwhile, I'm stuck with the madness.
Okay, because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all opposed. Okay, these clowns are pointing at my down their hair and they're kind of. they're ill-bowing each other. Like are you guys seeing this? So the group's reaction was one of excitement? Yeah, Like when a dog like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo, It was bedlam. Okay, they're running around, they're waving their arms like Kermit the Frog, making weird little noises like beep beep beep beep beep And then one of these little bastards runs up and I'm sorry Carla, I got a use you hear Flux One? Yeah, Flux One right out starts showing it off and suddenly my curlies have become the must-have item of the season. And they're flying off the shelves. people are under granite and fucking and granite and fucking climbing all over each other like my bush is the last life boat on the Titanic.
And were you unsettled by this at all? No. Honestly, the entire time all I could think was damn that fortune teller was dead on. did you guys get any of that pube stuff? No. no pube stuff. Sorry. hey, don't apologize. First time in my life I'm ready for bikini season.
Wow. Again, very detailed. Um, well how are you returned to Earth? So there was another soft light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before. Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.
Okay, see, now that really rips my nips because I had to climb down a Gd rope ladder that was too short. right? So I drop 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong hole and my wrong hole out in the middle of a field. And what happened next? the umpire called timeout and the meant security staff took me out of the stadium.
Look, not the most embarrassing thing I've done on a jumbo truck. Well, that. That was a riveting testimony, but there is something you should all know. Uh, we've been in contact with the Beings. they have offered the U.s. government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently. Well, I can read the room. It's me, right? Sure, why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway. |
dropout | kim_jong_un_and_dennis_rodman_recreate_space_jam | In Jong Un wins the Korea Ball Championship once again. Truly he's the best at this sport invented in Korea, then stolen by craven, uncreative westerners. In Jong Un, I, Yao Ming, and also these aliens challenge you to a ballgame. Except I'll bring great shame to all of true Korea. Assemble your best players, and let the game begin! Kim Jong Un, as shown in earlier episodes, has put into four equally powerful Kim Jong Uns.
This is now canon! An impressive trick, but you are still one player short. How about me? Oh my goodness!
Denzel Rodman, a world-winning actor and Korea Ball player. Man, Kim Jong Un and I have been on so many crazy adventures together, I just had to help a brother out.
So, I guess there's no spot for me on the team then, huh? All right, buddy. Let's do this!
Kim Jong Un judged the animator's depiction of his Korea Ball skills unsatisfactory. Their deaths were swift and voluntary. He decided in his infinite wisdom to animate the sequence himself.
Just as your father would have carried you. Was he not so busy with important state matters? This ball is charged with my undying affection for you! I searched both China and America, but the true career ballmaster was here all along.
Whee! That was one crazy adventure, huh? How about some ice cream? Another adventure has reached its end!
Kim Jong Un is my best friend!
Oh God, please rescue me, somebody please! Come on, come on!
Oh hi, thanks for watching. And if you enjoyed the video, don't forget to like and subscribe.
Who? Who's been messing with this thing? Janine? We got one! |
dropout | are_you_watching_the_wire | As you may know, our organization has been having some trouble lately. Now, Boss Man thinks someone is a rat.
Bitch gon' die. Yeah, you comin' at the king, you best not miss. What was that? You comin' at the king, you best not miss. This all. Are you watching The Wire? What? No!
Yo, that sounded like a line from The Wire, Lamar. Now, you know Boss Man hasn't seen The Wire yet. He's still gotta finish Battlestar first. So I want you to think, real hard, are you watching The Wire?
No! You better hope so, asshole. Or you're dead. Stuffed my shoes. Sheesh. Strip him. Whoa, no, okay, what?
The Wire, season two. We were supposed to watch this together. And now you betray us? I'm sorry. I just started it, I swear. It's only season two, you know? I mean, I barely passed apart when D'Angelo dies.
Oh, damn, you didn't did it. You did it now? You did it. You just ruined the show for Boss Man.
He don't even know who D'Angelo is. Yeah, but now he knows there's a character named D'Angelo killing me.
Whoa, no, you don't have to do this. Shut up. You're not bad people. You're just corrupted by a system of institutions that doesn't allow for the possibility of moral behavior.
That was deep. Where'd you hear that? It's from The Wire.
I'm telling you, it's a really great show. Better than Battlestar? Yeah, it's way better than Battlestar.
Tell me more. It's got grand themes. It's about the decline of the American city. It's a masterpiece. Does this Wire have a cool theme song?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gonna love it. You're gonna be sing-along to it all week. Sing it to me. When you walk through the garden, you better watch your back.
Now, does anybody else have a favorite fucking TV show? Good. And leave me.
I'm catching up on Game of Thrones. I just got to the part where Ned Stark dies. Goddamn it, I'm only on episode four. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_voice_of_ash_ketchum | Today on Bleak Bloop, we are going to be the best like no one ever was before, because we are joined by Saranada Sheni, actress, model, and voice of Ash Ketchum on Pokemon. I'm Jeff Rubin, and this week I am joined by Pat Cassels and Jeff Rosenberg from College Humor.com.
Pat, put the controller down, man. I'm just saying. What happened to the controller?
Who do you trust to find all the Pokemon in this situation? This is a strange game, because it's saying like, it's taking Pokemon, which is already like awesome, but like imagine you lived in a world where there was Pokemon. What's the one thing you would want to do? Take pictures of them, right? Saranada, do you have any favorite Pokemon?
Yeah, actually. Well, it's her voice is Buneary. Buneary is just the cutest. Yes. It's adorable, and it has like the most personality out of any of the ones that I do. When did the nuance, where did the nuance come in? Buneary is very staccato, and she bounces, bounces, bounces.
I think this game is developed by like, PETA people, or some sort of like, environmentalists that were like, why do they go in catching the Pokemon? How about a game where they just take pictures of them, you know?
Here we go. Pikachu, Pikachu, take a picture. Work it, Pikachu. Work it, work it, work it. Oh, yes.
Besides Ash, how many Pokemon do you lose? Um, well, Ash is not Pokemon, actually.
She's got me. So, that was fun, but I think it's time, I want to fight, okay? I don't want to take pictures of these things. I want them to fight for my amusement.
Fight with puzzles. Pokemon Puzzle League. Okay, whatever. So, we can do a one-player game, we can do a two-player game. Frankly, I'm thinking screw the whole thing, let's just check out the spa service. No, I want to do a puzzle, man.
Who's this dude between Ash and Brock? That's Gary. Gary's deal. Oh, he's a little punk. He's, uh... I hate Gary. Ash's half-brother. He's Ash's...
Who's into Yu-Gi-Oh, not Pokemon. I don't understand how the Pokemon are helping us. It seems like we're doing all the work when we should be throwing them into the field and they should be fighting for their death. If you close your eyes, you could imagine that instead of solving puzzles, you're, like, fighting, if you kind of blew your eyes. What is Ash's deal?
What is his defining characteristic? He's a little whiny, isn't he? He's a little whiny. A little bit. I'm whiny.
Maybe that comes through. Oh. The puzzle was fun, but I really just want some carnage, you know? Please. I think I've got what you're looking for. My Pokemon Ranch. Yes! Okay, it's like a Ranch of Doom, like a Death Ranch or something. This game is great for people that were like, I like the Pokemon, but I don't know if they're adorable enough. If you could, like, simplify it and make them somehow cuter. Right. Look at him. He's an adorable poison flying Pokemon. So it's like a Tamagotchi kind of thing? Check it out. You can take pictures in this game, too. It's like Pokemon Snap and a Ranch in one. How could this get better? I'll tell you how. Puzzles. You can unlock something where you can milk Pikachu, I think. A little burst of electricity come out.
So what have we learned today? I don't know.
It seems like the majority of the games are sort of for a younger audience. Which is weird. Where's the sophisticated working gentleman's Pokemon game? That's what I want to know. I mean, you know, I'm a professional. And I want something that I could play at my desk and not be based fun of. Well, that's why they had the Game Boy game.
So lunch break, you go in the bathroom, you stall, and you rock your glue for a couple minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or yellow. Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, man.
Just chill with my Pokemon. You know, like, something like 300 Pokemon are like unfairly treated a day. Can you sign this, please? Minute of your time for Pokemon?
We're not going to be able to use any of this, are we? Sir, please, could I just one minute? Okay, I'll get you on the way back. |
dropout | hardly_working_book_club | Dude, I am telling you, it's a solid bet a Frankfurter is a hot dog. The fuck is going on here?
David, this is our book club. Meet Fluxen. He's in charge. Ha ha ha. Now, Streeter, I've told you countless times, I just select the books. It's the authors who are in charge.
Oh, wow. That's wise. That's fucking insightful. Yeah. Please.
I'd sleep well tonight knowing that I added another member to our little circle of literature. Or dare I say rhombus of literature. Ha ha ha. It is rhombus. Yeah. It is rhombus.
All right. Let's open up our books to page 34. Rather than risk a tangle with Kilparnia. I did as Jim told me. For some reason, Sam, I'm sorry to interrupt.
But, um, Fluxen, you're reading an entirely different book. No, I'm not. Am I?
Yeah, definitely. You are. Oh, you look at that. What an astute observation. You, my friend, must be a Jew.
Please continue, Sam. For some reason, my first year of school had brought a great change in our relationship. Talparnia's tyranny. Unfairness. Sorry, Sam. Sam.
Again. Uh, Fluxen, your book now is sideways and upside down. Caught me red-handed again, you fat Jew. All right. Seems as though my brain has gone a little cuckoo for all this literature. Much like that little scamp and his cocoa puffs.
Hey, uh, Fluxen, why don't you read the next part? Oh, okay, I don't see your name tag that says Fluxen. I'll be the one who tells you who reads. Oh, come on, Fluxen. Read it. Yeah. Yeah, you never read. Yeah, come on, Fluxen. Come on. Oh, fine. I'll read you little pieces of ...
Starting with, uh, for some reason. Ah, yes. One of my favorite passages. For some reason ... Me.
Tires.
Hold up. Fluxen, are you illiterate? Listen up, bub.
I've been running this book club since before you were breathing, so I'd calm down with the accusations. How long have you been running this for?
Eight months. Give or take. Seven. Take.
Hey, Fluxen. You know, if you can't read, it's okay. You know, it's fine. Jesus fucking Christ! I can read. Look, okay? Uh, bird, flute, flute, flute, flute, flute, flute, flute, flute, flute, flute, flute, Take. Hey, Fluxen, you know, if you can't read, it's okay. It's fine. Jesus fucking Christ! I can read! Look, okay?
Uh, bird flying away, it's blackbird flying in the dead of night stopwatch, yawn, tree, tote, fish, cover.
Is everyone happy now? Fluxen, that didn't really prove your point, or anything. Ah, what does it sound like when you read Vincent? Um, for some reason. My first year of school had wrought a great change in our relationship. Does anyone else not hear the difference between the two of us?
How about this? How about, can you just write your name down on a piece of paper? Of course. You want to write flukes in on a sheet of paper? Yeah, of course I can do that. Now, can we move on to something more important, folks, of what we're supposed to be doing?
Like bird flying away from tree in the middle of the night moon?
What's the name of the book? What is the name of the book?
I just told you, this is getting truly rhombus at this point. That is not what that means. I show up every week on time and now you accuse me of being illiterate? Do you know what that's like?
Does anyone ask a math teacher if they can count? Does anyone ask an accountant if they can count? Does anyone ask other people whose jobs are to count if they can count?
No. Who's in what letter is this? I cannot read.
But I can sing. I can't sing. I can dance. I'm not going to dance. I can't dance.
I'm going to leave. I apologize. Everyone, I'm really sorry. Oh, I just sprayed my ankle. Worth it. Gotta go. Bye.
Who? Straight up passed out with my eyes open. What'd I miss? We still respect Flugson, right? |
SaturdayNightLive | jets_fans_snl | Kids, watch where you're running, okay? This is so fun. I am so glad we were able to get this together. Yeah, it is a great day for a game. couldn't ask for better tailgating weather. it should be a great game. Yeah, the Bills are top of the division. they're pretty good. so is this macaroni salad. amazing. isn't it delicious? Oh, Laura, when did you have time to make this?
No, I just stirred it together last night. it's nothing. Well, if it's nothing, give me more nothing.
Uh-oh, Bill's fan coming. Hey, frickin'' Dead! J- J-e-t-s, J-j-j-j- By the way, did I tell you, Henry's having a tough time at school. really? Oh, no, what happened? Well, I guess he's getting bullied. No. yeah, for his haircut. well, that is awful. yeah, where do kids even learn this stuff? from the internet, I guess. uh-oh, fat-ass Bill's fan alert. now maybe do a few jumping jacks before your next meal. yeah, maybe eat a vegetable next time. you frickin' whale!
I'm pregnant. Oh, you want a frickin' medal? have a drink, slut! Yeah! drink up, you donkey! that's what I'm talking about, Monkey! Oh, my God! Yes! by the way- yeah?
I was in Cvs yesterday. they already have the Christmas stuff out. I know they take down the Halloween stuff and poof, it's Christmas.
Hey, hey, what the hell are you guys doing? I'm sorry, is there a problem, officer? uh, there will be if you don't put that charcoal out before you head into the game. of course, we'll put it out. well, I would hope so, because every week- hey! hey, Bill's Mafia! you're in the wrong stadium, you frickin' a-holes! Oh, you're gonna- ooh! yeah, keep walking, you douchebag! barbecue right there, you little stock Sage! Yeah, keep running! run away! Yeah, run right into traffic, you frickin' douchebag!
You folks enjoy the game. Thanks, Officer. Oh, my God, I forgot to tell you, my second grade class is so adorable this year, and they're so excited to learn.
Oh. yeah- ah! Bill's Flag! kiss my whole thing! Yeah, suck my sleeve, buddy! suck it, fuck the bag! Oh, oh, you're gonna go by all slow, huh? You think that scares me? I'm not scared of you, you pansy! yeah, I put my whole fist through your face, you frickin' a-holes! And keep moving, you homes! Bring it up! You know, I am really feeling this white cloth. steaks up on you, right? yeah. oh, you know what? excuse me for a second. hey!
So, should we start heading in soon, or should we- oh, you know what? there's only five minutes left in the game. Oh, my gosh. should we miss the whole game again? it looks like it, Yeah. So, should we just stay out here?
I'm having fun. Hey! my sleeve, you dumb cow! suck her whole sleeve! |
dropout | The_Site_That_Commits_Treason_Tells_You_What_Your_Parents_Are_Doing | What are you working on today? Oh, I finished up a lot of my work, so I'm kind of just fucking around online.
You know, all the usual sites, Reddit, TikTok, a site that commits treason and also tells you what your parents are doing. What was that last one? The site that commits treason and also tells me what my parents are doing. Yeah, that one. Oh, it's just a fun little social network that undermines the foundations of our democracy and lets me know when my dad is done building the debt.
Why would those two things be put together? I don't know. They just are.
OK, does it at least tell you what your friends are up to? You know, in theory it could, but in actuality, a lot of my friends have already left the platform, mostly on account of the treason and the parents.
It sounds awful. It is. I wonder what's going on there right now. Nope, that's not what you do after you say that. My mom went to a craft fair and my data was sold to foreign operatives. What the hell? Yeah, it sucks.
The data part, not the craft fair. Although, craft fair ain't great either. I mean, Scrabble tile earrings. Everyone sells those. You can do better than that, craft fair. Forget the craft fair.
Done. Why are you still going to this site? Is the treason bad? Yes. Sure. But I like to know when my dad is grilling for the neighbors. Plus, I need it for work. Why would your work care about your parents or treason? Oh, right. So the site that commits treason and also tells you what your parents are doing lied about their traffic numbers, and now pretty much all digital media is totally reliant on them for success. Oh. Yeah.
You want to see a picture of a mountain that my mom took? Scrab, nothing that you could get from this site could you not also get from a 15 minute phone call with your parents. Except the treason. You don't want the treason. I guess it could be nice to talk with my mom about her new favorite TV show and not see a whole bunch of malicious disinformation at the same time. Exa- what? Oh, so the site that commits treason and also tells you what your parents are doing carved an exception out of their ad policy that lets politicians lie about literally whatever they want.
Oh, god. So there's that going on. So this site just spreads propaganda in exchange for money. No. Yes.
Raph, it also tells me about my dad's fishing trip. He caught a trap.
It is about time you stop going to that website. How else am I supposed to strengthen slash weaken my family ties slash republic? Plus, I'm bored. Just do what I do. Go to the site where Nazis scream at you.
Which one? Hey, it's Mike Trapp.
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cracked | the_4_stupidest_things_the_news_apparently_cares_about_does_not_compute | Hey, you know, it's been great scanning internet videos far and wide to bring you the most important and informative ones of Turtles fucking but it's got me yearning to tackle more weighty topics and contemplating the enduring giants of journalism Murrow Cronkite Walters newsroom Philomena fly and now me Michael Something I always forget that I should think of a mnemonic device. Anyway, I seriously want to advocate for intelligent media Which means does not compute is now and will forevermore remain action news not compute breaking news And then trying to carefully glue it back together before anyone notices. Let's get Pulitzer II Pulitzer II hard to say Pulitzer II Pulitzer II number four youth culture gone wild We're seeing boobs twerking liquor wheat Wow, this thing I've seen is two girls on five guys I saw someone on these bitches the other day I'm having trouble telling whether this is news porn or that Russian porn news hybrid Welcome back to Hannity's we continue to expose what's really going on in spring break Hold on sources close to my eyes have just confirmed that it is in fact Sean Hannity Devoting an entire week to scaring the elderly with footage of young people Trying to pretend that they'll never be old and their world will never become a frightening hodgepodge of slang They no longer grasp.
How many beers are they putting in each funnel? Well each time they funnel it's one beer and then they're funneling over and literally it basically shoots it right into your stomach You heard it here first binge drinking. It's a series of tubes.
Don't worry, Sean It's normal to fear what you don't understand there used to be we were younger you do a shotgun You put a hole in the bottom of a beer can put it up to you There's or what you think used to be done better in your day Wait, if you've done all these things what's so scary about spring break the egregious number of butts you put on screen to boost ratings Let's put that in the thumbnail by the way that button number three wacky conspiracy theories Hey, I stopped doing the anchor voice. Whoo spooky. Maybe it's cuz of goblins or some shit Let's ask six people on national news.
Huh Don Lemon A lot of people have been asking about that about black holes and on and on and on and all of these conspiracy theories Let's look at this Deji says huh. Just like the movie lost lost is not a movie But this is considered news is preposterous. Is it preposterous? You think Mary? Hmm Strange that they bother to get six people together just to shout yes in unison from their little face boxes Well, it is a black holes about where you know a small black hole would suck in our entire universe So we know it's not that Wow Did she just condescendingly correct him while also totally not understanding how a black hole works?
That's like if this and in more somber news dozens were killed when a bomb Imploded outside either to Crete or Dallas or else. Everyone is fine full story at 11 Not really. I'm not gonna tell you when it is Look it up. You've got Google Fuck you At least it didn't turn out they were lying about all being in different rooms like this time when it did How does CNN get away with it? number two Distracting us with toys or was there a catastrophic failure or explosion on board this plane specifically?
Let's talk about in the back. Ah Good plan Don Lemon see Don Lemon knows you'll overlook gross incompetence if they invest in distracting miniatures Also, I like saying your name Don Lemon. All right, let me All right, Frankie tangerine. Let's do this.
This is just him Batman defeated the GI Joe's today and Joe was all bam bam bam Batman was all I'm Batman and they were like couldn't we sign a peace treaty and he was like, I'll give you more than a peace treaty You know this feels somehow undignified D-lem can we age the news up a little Video-game news tight so refreshing to see CNN mature from what ten-year-olds play with to what fourteen-year-olds play with All right Let's watch some news Shot in your ass Damn Damn it You know, I have no idea what that person was reporting on But I think I'm close to a high score Of course if awful CG of mass shootings isn't your thing CNN's also got augmented reality sets and holograms of will I am to keep you from worrying about the events of the world It makes a good white noise machine for sleeping. Honestly, just a shiny babble of semi-nonsense. Hey Hey We're back here on the chill news network This is John Lime And of course, you're watching sleeping late where we just Look at this hologram of Beyonce That's nice Number one Twitter opinion extravaganza So apparently news is now whatever gets spawned from your fetid brain and slapped on Twitter because if at hell underscore Baby underscore 87 hashtag real talks their opinion on a story National news has occurred. Look at that four viewers already checking in a lot of people get their information from Twitter and beyond So what our hope is that over the days and weeks and months and years ahead I don't want to be on your show news guy put news on your show It's in the name of the kind of guy you are. I mean Jeez, get that lady that doesn't understand black holes back in here. At least she's wearing a suit instead of potentially nothing We also have our social slot machine though I will admit nothing says internet age like pulling a large crank Hey If I pull and the word societal collapse come up three times De Canza ravioli pour out so that I can survive the inevitable apocalypse that this room is a sign of we also have This is our Google Plus. Well, we're gonna call it the hangout, but it's really like a video chat room laptop crammed into a timeout corner It's good morning America seen what happens when people talk on the internet I give it two months before the hangout is a burning pile of garbage controlled by warring factions of racists Speaking of which a lot of people don't have the time to sift through everything at once and to figure out what's true Or if this tweet they got from a friend or Facebook post from a friend is actually accurate We're gonna do that for them. Yes Fox News, please Relentlessly check my Facebook and Twitter pages for me. I just updated about the spread of a thigh rash I have let's throw some emojis on that bitch and broadcast man. Gotta feed the beast. Okay Clearly turning this into a news show is not the way to make me seem more serious or credible I guess I'll just stick to calling in random bomb threats sad to see broadcast journalism sink so low though I blame the 24-hour news networks, but mostly CNN. What do you have to say for yourself CNN? Yeah, no, I can't stay mad at that and at least wolf Blitzer always seems smart wolf what is fettuccine No, what is Jerusalem?
No, but as a defender. No, what is a crash?
No wolf things have not worked out as well as you would hope for I'm sure Hey guys, thanks for watching this episode of does not compute make sure to subscribe to our channel if you enjoyed it And if you can find any great terrible songs that don't exploit children feel free to share them in the comments below or Just tell me what color pocket square. I should use next time |
TheOnion | 16_000_Stained_During_Messiest_Day_In_U_S_History | Experts confirm the British Empire will be reduced to eight square acres around Buckingham Palace by 2050. A reclusive deity hasn't written a new book in 2,000 years, and a local rescue dog is adopted for a couple weeks. Dominating the arena of digital news summaries now and for millennia to come, this is the Onion Week in Review. This week, in a devastating blow to the nation's laundry, 16,000 Americans were reportedly stained during the messiest day in U.S. history. Reports confirm that nearly 3,000 citizens received permanent stains on their good shirt from mustard splatter off a dropped hot dog, along with 12,000 cases of spilled coffee and other dark beverages ruining Americans' pair of hand-wash-only pants. Government officials further indicated that federal assistance for the nation's overwhelmed dry cleaners would be necessary.
In an effort to protect the rights of business owners nationwide, a new law passed this week will no longer require employers to provide insurance that covers contraceptives if they are morally opposed to women. Lawmakers stated that for-profit companies can immediately stop subsidizing all types of birth control, allowing business leaders to fully express their ethical stance against 51% of the population. Anyone who works for me knows that we are a family company that runs our business with values that object to all aspects of the female gender. I've dedicated my life to taking a moral stand against 3.5 billion people, and the government can't just take that away from me.
Sources confirmed that a local teacher who claims to learn more from her students than she actually teaches them was fired this week. I don't know what they did in there, but it couldn't have had much to do with 10th grade chemistry. She has to teach these kids scientific nomenclature, not be their little buddy. And in this week's local news, an elderly Rite Aid patron stretches out a conversation about toothpaste to prolong human contact. In other news, artifacts discovered buried in Washington, D.C. suggest humans once passed laws there, a self-centered child blames his parents' divorce entirely on himself, and a night of uninterrupted sleep really throws off a man's entire day. This news summary, when played repeatedly for pregnant mothers, has been proven to bestow upon their unborn children a lifetime of happiness and success. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. Once passed laws there, a self-centered child blames his parents' divorce entirely on himself, and a night of uninterrupted sleep really throws off a man's entire day. This news summary, when played repeatedly for pregnant mothers, has been proven to bestow upon their unborn children a lifetime of happiness and success. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_238_Tim_Elliott | Now today we are talking to a journalist, a podcaster, a great investigator and someone who's actually been looking into something that I find quite interesting personally, I don't know about you Errol, but cults, what do you know about them? Well I know that like most terrible things in this country they happen in the more southern portion I mean as we've seen down south especially in Melbourne and in parts of regional Victoria and in parts of regional New South Wales we've seen plagues, pox has been put amongst people, we've seen terrible floods and out here in western Queensland we've just had nothing but beautiful sunshine. It is true but we're not far, we start getting down to that New England, of course you cross the New South Wales border, you start getting down to New England you start kind of running into those exclusive brethrens and those other kind of Cornish and Celtic old religions. You know the sign writers, what are they called? The blokes that do all the stonemasonry down there on the New England highway. The freemasons. No there's another mob down there, they're Barnaby's most loyal booth actually and they keep to themselves, they educate themselves and I'm not sure.
The Amish. Not the Amish.
It's a similar kind of brand. Handmaid's Tale. Handmaid's Tale, yeah there's a few of them.
The brethren. The brethren, exclusive brethrens.
Well you know they go to hospital when they have children, they do have a certain tolerance for modern medicine. We shouldn't discount that North Queensland had its own history of communes, you know during that particularly during that Jonestown era, you know back when cults were really the thing, pre-internet, as we'll get into.
But Yolky Peterson. Yeah yeah well I guess. Well he was a colt. That was a colt itself, Joan for PM.
What was his wife's name? Flo. Joan Flo. She could have been a cult leader. Lady Flo. Lady Flo, she invented fizzy. Would you believe that? She also had pumpkin scones.
Yes, she was an incredible incredible host. We should get into introducing you now, I've been riffing here a little bit about my limited knowledge of cults. A man who has much more insight than the rest of us and indeed our last cultist guest Tom Tilly who's in the scheme of things experience was quite sterilized compared to what you've dug into here. Thank you for joining us today, Tim Elliott. Thank you Clancy, thank you Errol, thanks for having me.
Let's start from the beginning, I mean we'll start off with the name of your true crime podcast. It's a true crime, yes, it's called Inside the Tribe. And where did you first stumble across this tribe? Okay, this tribe, this particular tribe, well actually there's 12 of the tribes, their name is the 12 tribes so there's, it's one group called 12 tribes, confusing but they're a worldwide cult and there's about, they're sort of in nine countries around the world, everywhere from Brazil to Argentina to Spain, Germany, all over the shop. But I first came across some, because this guy got in touch with me ages ago, like 2008, when I work at the Sydney Morning Herald, and he found out saying I've got this, I think I'd written a story about a deprogrammer, which is what, someone who takes people out of a cult, so they sort of pull them out, like help them escape, essentially.
Bounty hunter basically for concerned families. They're kind of a bounty hunter for concerned families, exactly.
And then after that came out, this guy called me and said oh my god, I've got this incredible story, I was in this cult. It was crazy, I lost my wife through it, she's still in there, it was a nightmare, etc, etc. So he had been part of the 12 tribes, that's how I came across the 12 tribes. And then ever since there, I've been kind of following them. So you kind of just followed that story, deprogrammer, 12 tribes, there's a bloke who's out of the game, and then they just keep kind of popping up in your life. They keep on popping up, they can't leave me alone. And I got, basically people just kept getting in touch and saying, yeah, well, actually Matt, the guy who I talked to originally said about, actually about 10 years after I talked to him, got in touch again and said, oh my god, I've got this story, you thought my story was screwed up. I've got this couple, this Sydney couple, who joined in the mid 90s and spent 13 years in the group and just had a kid in there, took two young kids in there, lost their minds, got treated like slaves, abused, shuttled all around the world when their family was trying to find them. There were kids dying, stillbirths, the story was freaking unbelievable.
Now, Tim, you're an esteemed long-form journalist, very long career, working in the places like, as you did mention, the Glebe Morning Herald and their weekend, Lift Out, the Great Weekend. What made you decide to turn this story of the 12 tribes into a podcast series? What made me decide to do it? Because I thought it would make a really good podcast?
Yeah. Is there just too much to fit in as well? Like, I mean, some- There was so much material, yeah. So I met someone who makes really good podcasts, not like me, who's got no freaking idea what they're doing with the podcast. And she said, oh, that story, I read that story by you from ages ago, why don't we do a podcast about it? And I was like, oh, okay. And then you're like, you're right. Yeah, like there's so much material. It started going and there was, covering that story, Rose and Mark's story was fine and good. And that story kind of took us a long way down the track.
But then all this other stuff popped up from overseas, all these other crimes and misdemeanors and horrendous, fascinating stuff. Which kind of reaffirms the true crime element of it. It could be listed in the religion spirituality or just, you know, Aussie drama or Australian storytelling, but it is true crime. And I think it quite often is when you scrape the surface of this, this kind of movement.
Can you tell me where the 12 tribes, where would their stronghold be? Okay. In this country? They have a little community out in Picton. So on the outskirts of Sydney.
And they have a lovely farm there actually. It's a really lovely farm called Peppercorn Creek Farm. And I went out there to talk to them. I went too keen on talking to me, but I did see the farm and it's stunning. Like it's really, you know, hills, the lush green hills and a little creek running through it. And they've got some sort of sheds there and places where they live.
And it's really cool, you know, except the trouble is that they're, they're just a really hardcore fundamentalist Christian sect that practices really brutal child discipline and mind control. I've been listening to your, you know, your teasers that you've provided us with. And one thing I found quite interesting was it did feel like they were very, very well-versed in the Old Testament. Yeah, they're right on the Old Testament. Yeah, so this group's, they're rooted in more or less the Judeo-Christian teachings of the Bible, as opposed to, you know, the new more progressive people in the Bible, like John and the Apostle Paul. Yeah, they're super old school, yes. They believe that.
So what they want to do is get rid of the leader who was around in the 70s, who started this whole group in the 70s, guy called Eugene Spriggs, who had a really fascinating sort of story himself, bit of a kook. He was a carny, wasn't he? Yeah, he worked at carnivals and he was, joined the army, got married three times and divorced three times and then had a breakdown.
In this country, they're called showies. Showies.
But this was obviously over in... This was in the state, Chattanooga. Chattanooga.
His whole thing was, he wanted to get rid of mainstream church, like established church, just get that right out of the picture, get down to Tintax with, you know, how it was when the first bunch of disciples were wandering around in the desert in the first century after Christ, right? So they didn't have any churches and scriptures or they didn't have any sort of written stuff. They were just basically bumbling around, supporting one another and talking about God, right? So that's how he wanted it to be. And then he just sort of paired back the cult until he got really, really fundamentalist. They basically follow, it's sort of a mix between the Jewish and the Christian beliefs. And it's really, some of their theology is really messed up.
Like their whole mission is to raise, they want to bring on the end of the world by raising 144,000 purebred male baby warriors, right? That can go out, are gonna go out during Armageddon and wage war on Satan and win. Okay. So around the world, they're steadily building up this army of pure male children. So it's a very scary kind of end of the world, kooky bunch of people, but it's also really dangerous because they really believe that the world's gonna win and they're gonna be a part of it.
And they have this small group of really quite well-financed followers willing to go all the way. So that's what I wanted to talk about is that there's the well-financed element. I mean, we talked about the mix of Judaism and Christian. I noticed the family that you kind of first got in contact with, the couple there, the Kiwis, were given Hebrew names. Yeah, they're all, when you join, you're all given a new name, a new identity, a new set of clothes. Basically it's full on.
You are just withdrawn from society, that's it. You just cut off all ties.
It's an interesting recruitment tool. You've got someone whose foot's in the door and then to do that to them, if they're in a low, which is people had explained that they were, they were having a kind of lull in their life. Yeah, they were in between. Yeah, they were kind of vulnerable.
It's a great rebrand. And I think it's at that moment when you do something like, here's your new name. This is how you're gonna dress now. This is your community. But then something happens where they start asking them about their assets. Yeah. And that's what I want to ask. Is this why they're well-funded?
Because anyone who comes here with whatever they bring becomes part of the church. Yeah, part of it is that when you sign on, when you join and you don't join immediately, it's really interesting. Like you don't, no one joins a cult and they go, I'm gonna go out and I wake up this morning and I'm gonna join a bunch of people who will manipulate my mind, beat my children and ruin my life. Like, you know, you go, I'm gonna join this bunch of people who look like a really cool bunch of people that live in community and nature and they provide for one another and it's all beautiful. And then once you're in for a while, like about a year, shit starts to go really weird and you learn about the kind of the inner doctrine and that's how, by that time, you're kind of well and truly in.
And you've lost everything to them. Yeah, you've pretty much. You've given everything to them. You've given, you know, when you join up, you give them, you surrender your possessions. If you have a car, you give it to them.
And you're asking about super. Yeah, yeah, they do. They're quite, and one of the guys I spoke to, yeah, Mark was like, had a stake in a property in Queensland. And they were like, oh, what can we do about that property you've got up in Queensland? And then he ended up selling out and it was about eight grand away from owning this thing and he just gave it basically to the other guys and said, oh, you know, don't wanna be a part of that. And he just looks back and goes, oh my God. Yeah, he did say it was Sunshine Coast all, yeah. Yeah, that local land is probably a big hotel now. Housing estate.
Tell us what you learned about cults. What did you learn about them in this investigation? Because no one really knows what it is. They've existed for eternity, but no one really knows what it is that as a society, we can never seem to rid ourselves of them. What do you think?
Because people are really like, everybody I reckon at some stage in their lives, like, you know how everybody's like, oh, I'm way too smart to become, you know, join a cult, you know, freaking idiots to join a cult, you know, why would you do that? But everybody in their lives, at some stage in their lives is vulnerable enough for a certain period of time to fall into one of these things, to fall down the rabbit hole. I mean, it strikes at the innate human need to belong. Yeah, yeah, it's all about belonging.
And these guys are Mark and Rose, they come back from Europe. They're sort of trying to settle back in. She was Spanish, she's a Kiwi, but they were living in Sydney. They're trying to reconnect with old friends, trying to get a job, et cetera. And one day- Yeah, what was it called actually? Trying to find a school for their kids, they had two kids. So they're all a bit like, you know, what's gonna happen? You know, like, we're just settling back in.
And then they, Mark went to a festival in Newtown and he was walking around and this woman in long flowing cotton dress with a headscarf on came up and said, looks like you need a home to him. And he was thinking and he looks back and he goes, yeah, you know, I did. And she spotted it like straight off the bat. She knew exactly how to get him. And she gave him a pamphlet talking about the 12 tribes.
And he was like, wow, you know, this makes a lot of sense, you know, like, so, you know, everybody's vulnerable in that way at some stage in their life, but also all these guys did was they were just kind of, they were idealistic. So that wasn't a crime. All they wanted to do was live a better way. Yeah, well, that's what they were met with when they first kind of got involved.
Yeah, yeah, you go there and they put on, it's the Disney face of the 12 tribes. It's all rainbows and dolphins and.
Why can't it be just that, do you think? That's a really good question, why can't it be?
Well, it started that way. Like it started, maybe this is just the way of all things. So it started really, yeah. Well it does, I think that's what it is. And absolute power corrupts absolutely. And this guy at the top started in the 72, this group, just as a bunch of young Christians in a room in Chattanooga and Tennessee singing songs and talking about God and providing support for one another and it was really innocent and nice. And then it's sort of morphed over the years into this really bizarre ritualistic theology that totally subjectifies women and severely disciplines children and believes in the end of the word. How exactly it became like that is a whole combination of stuff. Eugene Spriggs, the founder was, I reckon was kind of going a bit mad.
His followers also wanted to please him, that they really wanted to please him. So let's be purer than the next guy, let's show Eugene how devout we are. So that his teachings tell me to beat my kid, well I'm gonna really, really beat the crap out of my kid to show the next person. Yeah, there's inherent competitiveness. And in Tom Tilly, we spoke to Tom Tilly about his book, Speaking in Tongues. And he said that was one thing with the kids, even though Speaking in Tongues, which was kind of the base of his religion, that's what it was all based around, the one he grew up in, the particular sect he grew up in outside of Mudgee. He said the kids would then try and impress as well. So the kids would, I just spoke tongues down by the creek for the first time.
No one will ever know if that was true or not, but it's celebrated either way. And then there's other kids getting jealous and then everyone starts playing into this thing. They buy in. Yeah. And they start to, one of the really sinister bits that we explore in the podcast is that when Mark and Rose went in, the podcast is basically about their narrative and how the journey they went through in this really horrific journey. And when they first went in, they were really in love. And it's really sweet and they still are like when we went out and talked to them and met them again, I was like, wow, these guys are really like, still in love. It was really beautiful. But after a while, what had happened was they, it's sort of the demands of the group and the desire to please, like you're talking about, saw them start to inform on one another. It was really creepy. So they started to tell the elders, oh, you know, Mark's not beating the children hard enough. What should I do? You know? And then Mark would go, Rose doesn't cook the food the way that you're saying she should. And then it all got really sinister. And so it sort of almost broke them up and the really amazing way they came back together. It's incredible. Yeah. Well, I'm interested to hear that.
We won't spoil that particular love story because I don't think there's too many fond memories in the story, but did you find that with any ex members? Do they look back with rose colored glasses at the good times?
Yeah, I reckon, well, we're really at pains too. And I really want to point out because people are always like, ah, journalists are always, you know, bashing these groups.
But actually as Mark and Rose told me, and as quite a few of the people told me, former members, there was plenty to like about the group. Like it was really, it was at the beginning, certainly a really utopian lifestyle. They farmed, they grew all their own food. Everything they had was pulled together. They looked after one another's kids. They felt safe, supported. They didn't want for anything. It wasn't like there was this horrible rat race out in the normal world that you're taking part in. And they made great friends, you know, and they found belonging. And so there was an element of that, but no, most of the people who left, left for a really good reason. Not cause the times were too good.
Yeah, that's what I wanted to ask because it's not necessarily illegal to join a cult, especially in New South Wales. So what was it that brought 12 tribes to the attention of the New South Wales police? Well, there'd been rumors about the 12 tribes for ages. One of the reasons I started looking back into them was because I got a call from a woman in the Blue Mountains who we don't name, but she called me and said, there's this group up here and they're so creepy. And I've heard about them having a lot of stillbirths. Like there's a lot of, they have an unusually large amount of kids who die during birth and then they bury them in the bush.
And it's like, it's really freaky. There's no documentation, there's no- No, it's like, it's totally legal.
And so she started to talk to people around in the Blue Mountains and other people were like, oh yeah, but they, this group, the 12 tribes, they have this beautiful cafe called Common Sense and they're really lovely food. I've heard about these people. They do lovely teas. They do lovely teas and the food's so nice. It's the yellow deli just off the highway.
Yeah, and so she was like, but no, these guys, it's really creepy and there's something majorly wrong. So she called me and said, I've now heard about another baby dying during childbirth and being buried out in the bush. You've got to look back in this group. So that's why I did it. And that's the same reason the cops are now looking into them because they, allegedly there are baby's bodies buried on their properties.
Do you find, I mean, aside from obviously this brand of Christianity that most people who have any semblance of kind of religion would be unfamiliar with the Old Testament. Even in the most Christian schools in Australia, they don't read a lot of that.
But there's other things I saw and particularly that family you open with. Everything seems lovey-dovey and all these, like the men go and work and do manual labor in the farm. Women go and do the domestic duties and the kids play and then they all gather for screaming sessions.
What was this? Can you explain a bit about this?
It's kind of like a ecstatic purging, I think at the end of the day. They are bearing of their souls at the end of the workday. So I think it was a big part of it as well. That was another communal element of this. So they'll sit there and scream. And they'll sit, yeah, they'll get together at the end of the day and let rip. And I think it's, they don't necessarily do it every day.
I remember Mark and Rose saying, yeah, but it was weird when they first moved in. But then after a while they were like, yeah, it was actually quite good. They quite enjoyed it.
Because they were blowing steam off and they were working really hard. Are they making money off the agricultural practices or is this purely about maintenance? Is this purely about just being at work? Oh no, no, no, they make lots of money. Oh yeah, the 12 tribes around the world are a money-making machine. Yeah, and so it's not just from the, what I said, like taking the assets of new members. No, no, no, oh God no, they have cafes, restaurants, building companies, construction businesses, all sorts of stuff, a farm in Brazil. They got heaps of stuff going on. Yeah, they make a lot of money. And they particularly make a lot of money because they don't pay their walkers anything. Yeah. So, you know, in other words, it's slavery. But again, these people do it. The members all work there. The 12 tribes members work in these businesses for free.
They don't get paid a cent. They never see a cent.
Are they a registered religious organization? Yeah, non-for-profit, all that stuff. So yeah, so they're not paying any much to? No. They wouldn't be doing much on land rates either, I don't reckon. It'd be a religious temple or?
Yeah, I think that they've got it. I mean, in Australia, the whole business has been reworked into a trust, discretionary trust. So it's very difficult to know what the hell's going on. Did you find much sniffing around of you as you started sniffing around?
Or were you just met with a brick wall? I met with a brick wall.
I mean, they believe that everything outside the 12 tribes is stained and too worldly of this world. And you're not meant to care about this world. It's all about God's world. They don't care about bad PR. It's not like Hillsong who have lawyers and Scientology who have lawyers. And a private army to come and cut your legs off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. 12 tribes make Hillsong look very mild, theologically. These guys, really, they're bought into it.
And they don't believe that, you know, they don't believe in, they don't read magazines, radio, TV, nothing. They don't play games. They don't deal with money. They don't vote. They don't go to hospitals, on the whole, unless someone's really dying. But they don't believe any of that. They believe that the modern world is tainted.
So how do these kids exist? They're all homeschooled. All homeschooled.
So they really won't ever know otherwise unless they walk up to the fence gate when no one's looking one day and see a motor vehicle. It's hard. I think it must be really hard for the kids. And I think, actually, the group's going to start to fall apart. And I think, to an extent, it's already falling apart here. It used to be big in Australia. It used to be about 140 people, and now it's about 70. And I think it's just inevitable that the kids, it's impossible now to keep kids in the dark.
They will find out something, especially if you take them to work in the cafe. Like, if they go to Blue Mountains and they're working in the cafe, which they do, then they go, hold on.
All these other normal people coming in. They look really happy and cool, and they're all on their phones. These kids get to play with tablets. Yeah, and they're doing this cool stuff.
And I have to go back and pull up turnips and get my ass smacked. The discipline thing, I mean, everything still seems quite lovey-dovey, really.
If you want to talk about a utopia, you're not paying tax, you're not voting. You're running around in a meadow all day long, and you have nothing to do with the outside world. That does sound like a utopia. And the only cost you have to bear is the occasional heavy flogging.
Yeah, well, that's what I want to know, is what do you think it is about this disciplining of children? Do you think that stems back to issues related to the founder? Yeah, and I'll explain why. Because you know how I said about the 144,000 pure male children? So they have to be without sin, so pure, morally pure. So it wasn't like a Christian. Oh, no, this has a really clear reason.
So they're raising these children as this pure army of boy warriors. And it's up to them, 12 tribes is going to raise this massive army. So the kids have to be raised so strictly to obey every rule, every commandment, never sin, never break the rules.
So if they do, never lie. And if they do, never get distracted by foolish things, they call it foolishness. So children's games are foolishness.
And it's so sad. There was one girl I talked to in there, one woman, who as a girl didn't have any toys, because I don't believe in toys. So she used to play dolls with a sock, a dad's sock, and sort of get the sock talking. I was like, oh, sort of made me want to cry.
And yeah, so it's all about if you're raising pure army of people, then you've got to treat them, you've got to beat the sin out of them. Did they get a look in at this royal commission into institutional responses, or they exist below that? They are out of the picture. Yeah, right. And it's just disgraceful. I've got no idea. One thing is that, OK, so with the Catholic Church and the Anglicans or whatever, the people who took part in that, who were targeted in the royal commission, there were lots of people willing to come forward and say, OK, it was terrible, this happened, with the 12 tribes.
By the time these guys get out, in my experience, they're so used up and exhausted, physically, psychologically, they're broke, they have nothing. Just restarting their lives from scratch is about all they can manage. So they're just not up to it.
Like I talked to one kid, I said, you've got to file a fair work claim. And he's like, I just, how am I going to prove it? I don't understand the system. I don't have the energy for it. I'm just trying to get my head together. He's a real mess.
Tell me the excommunication aspect. Is it like those other kind of culture here about where dad might get an idea that this isn't all it's cracked up to be. Dad wants the family out. And then mom and the kids decide they want to stay.
They don't ever talk again? Is that what they're talking about? They never talk again. That's also a really full on traumatic, sad element that there were quite a few people I talked to and a few people we focus on who haven't seen their own mothers for 20 years, haven't seen their daughters, don't know where they are, think they're in a certain place, but they won't respond. The tribes won't tell them where they are.
It's just, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm a parent that would really rip your guts out having your kid disappear. And so one girl I was talking to was like, why did mom choose this group of people over me? And it took her, she's just severely disturbed. Yeah. It's like, well, why the frick did my mom walk out on me to join this group of people? What about me? What was wrong with me? Yeah. And now she can't even find her. So it's kind of a form of death. Yeah.
I just don't understand how we have this church and this is all credit to you for taking the moment to zone in on this church and piece together what's happening. I won't say church because they definitely don't think they're one.
They're a cult that exists in however many countries around the world, multimillion dollar operation, perhaps a billion if you really... Yeah, they've got properties all around the world. They've got farms, they've got luxury yachts. Yeah, it's incredible. They don't really seem to care too much about their outward PR.
How come we've never heard of this? Like I've never heard of this.
I've heard of the orange people in Oregon. I've heard of Waco, Jonestown. I've even heard of some of those Opus Dei types running around Goulburn and the like. But 12 tribes have never really gotten a look in.
Why do you think that is? Do you think it's because- I have no idea. Yeah, it's weird. They're a bit too wholesome on the- Because they present a really... Maybe it's because they do present this really wholesome facade or maybe it's because people have traditionally been really unwilling to talk about them because they do lose contact with their family members. They will be taken away from the cutoff. Maybe it's because they're spread out all over the world. I don't know. It's a really good question, but I think it's gonna change.
Did you find yourself being blown away? Like obviously you knew there was a story there before you.
I mean, how many episodes did you- Nine, there's nine episodes. Nine episodes pieced together.
And there's gonna be like... We were looking at what we... I mean, there's another bunch of episodes. It's unbelievable, the other stuff. We just couldn't get into the narrative because we wanted to make it like a proper story. You know, like starts here, you know? Yeah. And then that happened and then this happened. You can't really be like, and then this day I discovered this. Yeah, yeah. It's like, we're telling a proper story because I love telling stories, you know, like once upon a time, you know, and then this crazy thing happened and then that happened and then ended up like this and then that happened. And by the time you've got that in and you've, I don't know, there's just so much more material out there.
Yeah, like I'm having a look at the 12 tribes yacht here now. It isn't like a yacht that you'd see on the harbor. Like this is a world going, like it's got two giant masts. It displaces 400 tons, which is on par with like a naval cruiser. And the really interesting thing about that boat is they use that boat in the States to sail up and down the Gulf Coast evangelizing.
Awesome. Yeah, it's really interesting. So they just pop into this and that town and hop off. Myrtle Beach. Yeah, and just hop off and go into the center of town and start handing out pamphlets. Atlantic City. Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of people that need saving down that side of the world. And I mean, I guess that would, because I mean, at the end of the day, that's the one thing we found with this modern cold in this day and age is aspirational is now the pitch, right? Yeah.
Once upon a time, it was come and join our religious movement and punish yourself because we will punish you and you will repent and we're the best at that. And nowadays it's like, compare the two, that's Dominic Perret. Dominic Perret is the punish yourself Catholic.
The Opus Dei, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Scott Morrison is the aspirational Christian. So yeah. There's two different types and I do think a yacht is gonna be, in this day and age, gonna be doing a lot more. It's gotta be. Yeah. That's again, a great recruiting tool, yeah. Rather than seeing some poor Amish guy on a, you know, with a horse and cart, you're gonna actually be a bit more invested in what has brought these people apart. It isn't as big as the Scientology ship though. That one's best. Yeah, they've got a way to go. That's an old cruise line on that one. They've got a way to go. Yeah, they are. I mean, everyone in there is a reckoning happening for all of them, really. I mean, they've all started looking into what happened to the head of Scientology's wife who's just been missing for all these years. Yeah.
And it is a thing about when you- Has she popped up yet? No, she hasn't popped up. They don't know where she is.
And obviously the fall from grace of Brian Houston is happening before us right now. Yeah. Time dwell with Morrison and Houston, they all start going down. Well, it's interesting you say that because the leader of the 12 tribes, Yonek, which was his cult name, Eugene Spriggs, he died last year of COVID. Oh, really? So it's a really heavy time for them. So like, oh my God, that really rocked, that freaked them out. So this is only basically a generation that has popped up. Yeah. So the founder- Started in 72 as a sort of a 30 year old and he just died last year. They think of COVID, but- Well, they won't tell them that. No. It's too well- I guess they were a bit more medically skeptical than most of us. Yeah.
Have you received any blowback or if you haven't, do you anticipate to receive any from this group? I don't anticipate receiving blowback from them because they'd go, oh, well, you know, he's going to burn in Lake of Fire.
That's all we care about. We're not going to care about him.
What will happen is a lot of people will get in touch from Germany, the States, England, France, Spain, all of them will, they'll hear about it because we've spoken to people all around the world. And then- I mean, this is a call out now for anyone, really. I mean, every single moment is a call out now. So that's what I expect. Tim's emails are open for you. Send it in. So I believe, yeah, that's going to happen for sure.
I've been looking at, there's a website that's got so much, it's like an archive of info on this tribe. And for every news article that's posted there, there's just the comments are full top to bottom with like, oh, these poor people, I was in there for 26 years. And then there's another one down there. It's like, I was in there for 10 years. It's almost like more people have left than what's in it. Yeah, yeah. I think that site is incredible.
And that shows how big the group is really, and how big numerically, but how their reach and the grip they have on people. It's really the mind control they exert, the level of control they exert. And so when people leave, they're just the awakening that people have. So they start these sites like, oh my God, get out of the group.
You do a good job of explaining how people found God, how people found the 12 tribes. Throughout your podcast, do you have any example of people finding Satan? I love hearing that story when they decided, the first time I walked into a pub after leaving the church and realized that you could just sit here and watch football foolish games on the TV screen. Well, that's really interesting.
Cause one of the stories and one of the reason a guy left, who we talked to one of the main characters, he was in Canada and the cult had taken him to Canada cause he was a chemical scientist, chemical engineer. So he wasn't stupid guy, and he still joined them. So he was over there working for them, but he got all disaffected and was sort of thinking about leaving. And he went, they allowed him to go and spend time with his parents, with his mother, which was the big mistake the cult made. And so he went with his mother to the zoo.
I think it was in Winnipeg. And they walked in there and there was no one in the zoo. Like the place was not a soul. And they were thinking, it just feels a bit weird.
And then they went into the gift shop and they looked up at the TV and it was the 11th of September, 2001. And there were the planes flying into the towers and Matt, the cult guys in the cult was, what's happening?
They let me up for one day and I can see how awful this place is. Yeah, I can see how bad this screwed up shit is out here. And so he was like, yeah, the world's a pretty messed up place.
So then he went back in. He went back into the cult, into the community. And by this time he's really all messed up.
He's like, I should leave. I shouldn't leave. I should leave. I shouldn't leave.
And they sat down at one of the meetings that night. And one of the elders said, we've got to be more like, because news filtered through to the community that this had happened. They couldn't keep that news out. And one of them said, we need to be more like the members of the 12 tribes need to be more like the guys who flew the planes into the towers. We have to be more committed.
Wow, that's a hell of a fucking bitch. Yeah, and so at that point he went, I think I have to reassess my decisions. And he turned to his wife and said, I think we need to think about what we're doing. And she said, why?
Right. This is great. Yeah, okay, so she was at the mindset of. Yeah, and so they.
We need to veer more into suicide bombing. Yeah, I absolutely need to drive a truck full of explosives into a farmer's market. Yeah, right, so there is that, you do see a little bit of a fatwa element in there too, like a little bit of a kamikaze attitude.
Oh no, no, no, they would never, they would never do that. They were like, we have to be more, psychologically we have to be more committed. I don't think they'd ever do that, no. No.
Not until Armageddon when they had. Not until Armageddon when it's all on. And then it's just no. Not until they have the soldiers. Not until they have the, how many? Maybe you have to get 144 kids, it's a lot, right? So it's gonna take a lot of time.
And when you got that army, you can do anything. Yeah, yeah, you can go in. You can do anything.
You might need a bit more in the States nowadays. Are they like those in the States particularly? Do they have a little bit of that American kind of militia in them? Or is it a bit more peaceful than that? It's not the Jefferson County, how do they go with guns and stuff? I don't know, it's a good question.
They just had a major fire, Colorado's largest fire ever broke out on one of their properties and decimated something like 25,000 homes burnt down. It's the biggest fire in the history of that state.
Really? And it started on their property. And they don't know what they were doing. They think that they were burning stuff in their furnaces. Yeah, right. And what they think, well, from members we spoke to in the States, they burn all sorts of stuff. Like they have a lot of stillbirths. Yep, right. What do you reckon they're burning?
Well, crematorium. It's a crematorium.
So that was pretty hectic. Also, there's a couple of cult experts in the States we talked to and we spent a lot of time with really interesting old couple who've been around for ages. And they were saying a couple of years ago, they had heard either an Australian cult member who was spending time in the States, who'd left subsequently left talking how he had heard talk of stockpiling munitions in Australia or they weren't clear, but they said, yeah, he was talking about having heard in the group that they were stockpiling munitions.
But they were like, I don't think that had ever happened. They're not quite like that, but I don't know. You never know.
Well, I mean, nine episodes in, we'll see maybe in episode 10, we'll discover that. Exactly.
We'll take back the South. We'll take back Picton anyway.
From all the property developers down there. Well, no, Shannon Knoll's the only thing I know that come out of Picton outside of the 12 tribes. Was he from Picton? Well, he's living there now. No, he is from Condo.
Well, there's so much here. There's so much here. Do you think you're still uncovering stuff as you go? Oh yeah, there's gonna be heaps more. There's gonna be so much more. It's so interesting and there's such a big story.
Well, nine episodes in, that's inside the tribe. You can get it wherever you find your podcasts and all respective platforms, respectable, respective platforms. Thank you for joining us today, Tim Elliott. No, thanks guys for having me. I'm going home now to go further inside the tribe. |
dropout | Anything_Can_Happen_In_May_Improvised_Musical_About_Fairy_Tales | These characters share their excitement with us in a group number that, at some point, features the tune of Itsy Bitsy Spider. Oh, it's my favorite time of year, May, when all the festivals happen. Yeah, that time that sits athwart winter and summer, which some call spring. Yeah, but specifically, I love May in nursery rhyme Glade because it's when we have so many festivals and picnics and celebrations. It's the perfect time to be here.
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Siri, how big is the Serengeti? No problem. Show me pictures of spaghetti. No, that's not what she asked for. Your search for... ...return no results. Vaccines cause autism? Well, I have one million results that say they don't, and one result that says they do. I knew it. Just because I have it doesn't mean it's true! 300 pound beautiful Indian princess.
What's a surfboard? Do you mean surfboard? No. No? Surfboard.
Oh. Do dead people pay taxes? How do I get to the deep web? Follow me. Google? You're here. Google.com. That is me. Google.com website. Eh? Finally. How make people think you die? Sonic the hedgehog pics. The old Sega video game? Safe search on. Oh! What have you done?
How big is the Serengeti? More pictures of spaghetti. More pictures of the Serengeti.
That's not what she asked for! That is not what she asked for!
How big is the Serengeti? Why do Asians... ...have small noses, wear face masks, have small eyes, have small penises? Pandas have trouble mating in captivity.
Jesus. It's not me. It's them. Where to buy a lifelike bearded mannequin?
Sorry, I don't see spaghetti in your contact.
Biggest, sexiest woman in all of Iraq. Difference between human body and a mannequin.
Oh my god. Clear history. Alright. Sugar Ray. Ironically cool yet? I'm sorry. Bummer. Big booty, Puerto Rican goddess. Hi. Just gotta send an email and then I'll be right with you. Okay? Oh, you again. Is hula hoop a sport? Uh, I don't think...
Can owls walk?
Is Dilbert Jewish? Recipe using only crackers.
Face back. Lazy. Directions to downtown? Well, it's gonna be 35 minutes unless you use waves. Get off the highway!
Now!
Selena Gomez. Gomez feet. Taylor Swift. Swift feet. Katy Perry. Perry feet.
What is wrong with people? What happens if plants sesame seed? Oriental rug politically correct?
Help wanted laser tag. Now we're talking. Dad from the nanny dead. Now cut across four lanes of traffic! Mayonnaise as butter substitute. Face back. Yeah, you could just...
Google Wave what happened. We killed it. Google Glass what happened. We killed it. Google Car. This is gonna be amazing actually.
Okay to drink expired milk? No. What happens if drank expired milk?
Oh my god, why did you ask me in the first place? Paul Walker car crash. Really sad. Picks. Red light cameras everywhere. You're freaking him out.
Racist if only like California rules? Age of consent California.
Be spec. It is right there! You could just... That is it for the day. Dad from the nanny. Dead? Seriously? Oh god. Hey! Let's go! Let's do this. Not again.
Can you keep a duck? What are the newest shapes? What are you gonna do with this information?
Is Superman circumcised? Are dentists more afraid of you? No, in fact this one killed a lion. Hot hands and feet.
Is this salt or sugar? Is what salt or sugar?
Upload these photos of my nephew? You know, you might consider uploading these to Google Plus. It's a lot like Facebook meets Google.
It's really starting to take off. Oh! Great, great. I'll check it out. Can kangaroo be milk? Is it your or your? In what context? Not only is it awesome, but it's also free for you and for all your friends. I just want to watch Minecraft videos. Who else is British? Sensitive tongue?
Climate change is not real. Climate change is real. Climate change is not real.
Fine. Thank you! Get out of here. Anna Kendrick boyfriend? You really think you have a chance? Sweating behind the ears. If you're worried, go see a doctor. Is left shark still funny? Is the internet working? I want you to think about this for a second. Do a barrel roll. Anna, don't type that down. Why would you type that? Grab onto something! Hot hands and feet cancer. |
dropout | hardly_working_rap_skits_with_dan_klein_all_nighter_2012 | one nation under who neither of us said God actually it's DJ declined and I hate to be the kind of guy that does this but my professional recorded full length rap album just dropped so I really want to play right now check it wow surfing turfing yeah because I've been waiting in their surf and grazing in their turf that makes sense yeah talking about pussy in her butt wow rap skit I haven't heard one of those in a while yeah long time yeah well then you gonna like this that was you doing an impression of a white person and or I nailed it you clearly don't have a gun you made that sound with your mouth Oh DJ decline oh I want you in my surf and turf which means I want you to wait in my oh yeah you clearly don't have a gun you made that sound with your mouth yeah but it was braces as hell this is your landlord a couple of tenants saw you urinating in the elevator again so stop where you'll be affected okay mr. white guy okay that would sound real hospital more like yo mi maza ho mami maza ho mami maza don't say that about your own mima man enough enough Dan it sounds like you record an entire album of rap skits most of which just appear to be regular voicemails from your phone cuz honestly that's pretty ridiculous it's Pat wanted to talk agree we were just really drunk and an entire carrier crowd shouting touch dick tips didn't help anyways won't happen again unless you want it to okay so I will see you later you don't know how to turn off a cell phone |
dropout | squeaking_and_roaring_in_bed | Hello, I'm Streeter, this is Amir from CollegeHumor.com. We're here in New York City asking people some axe dirty dilemma questions.
Whenever you see an attractive girl, you either cry hysterically or you pee your pants. I know you're not used to having to make tough choices. You can just have both girls at once. Yeah, exactly. But you have to choose now. I'll go with the crying, the crying. You'd rather cry than pee your pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Because it would take effort for me to go get some new pants but I could just like wipe off the tears.
You're in bed with a girl, everything's going great. Consensual. Would you rather, yeah, it's consent, it's, of course. Would you rather her squeak like a mouse or roar like a lion?
So basically... Or... You know, something like that.
Roar like a lion. Really? I wanna let everyone know. Roar like a lion?
That's terrifying. That's awful. I think squeak like a mouse is a little more feminine.
Would you rather shower on live television or shower in prison? I'd rather shower on live TV. Showering in prison, as long as you don't drop the soap, there's...
You're good. Three very good-looking guys. And my two saves on myself. I would say we're like average and you're just extraordinarily handsome. Adriana's brother and the two cousins. |
dropout | why_terminators_transport_naked | So adorable. John Connor's in danger. Send me back. Now.
Okay, T-800, why don't you take off your clothes and get a little telepad there and we will take care of you. Why do I have to take off my clothes? Just get off the telepad and get naked, you robot slut! As babies, we are brought into this world naked.
So I believe that terminators should be sent back in time naked, not as well. Well Skynet used to make their terminators so clunky and boring, so I designed them to look more human. Synthetic skin, sweat, bad breath, insane abs, tight ass.
What about the Austrian accents?
It's hot. I don't need to spell it out for you. H-O-T. This canister right here houses a lot of the gelatin-based lubricants used to be in there. I've been getting a lot of complaints about this nudity thing. Make it stop.
It doesn't make any sense to send terminators back in time naked. If they can go back in time, soak in clothes, soak in weapons. Are you fucking kidding me?
Where will I find clothes? Weapons. I'm going to send you to this cute little biker bar in West Hollywood. You smurch in there and say I need to borrow your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle.
You'll be all set, okay? Now get down into Atlas pose. What is that? Atlas pose. You get down, squat, squat like a little monkey. Okay, knuckles down. Be proud. Chin up. Okay.
What are you tired of? Flats! Come on!
Now when the 2-1,000 came out, a lot of people were very excited. Oh, he's so advanced.
But I don't know. I just... There's nothing to gram on to. Excuse me. I've seen Jacob. No. Uh, Jacob?
Do you fucking knock? What's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You fucking... Ooh! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_51_hau_latukefu | Yes it's been a busy week up here in the Channel Country for us and we're capping it off now talking to a famous Queen Bienite. Queen Bienite? Queen Bienese perhaps? We'll have to check up on that one but we do have a famous Australian from one of the interstate appendages of Canberra here in the studio today. Yes there have been a surprising number, a disproportionate amount of notable Australians from Queen Bien.
There's David Campese who famously went to a public school and somehow managed to get a start with the Wallabies. Captain wasn't he? He was the captain, he was there on the wing I think he was. He scored many tries, led the Wallabies to the 1991 World Cup victory.
That is an anomaly in that particular sporting card. Then of course you have George Lassenby, the only Australian to play James Bond which is quite a claim, he was also a model and a professional golfer at one point. And then of course Ricky Stewart, the coach with the best entertainment value in the NRL and a confirmed problematic perhaps habit of chasing wooden spoons. Yeah well he's never coached the Newcastle Knights or the Titans so I don't think he's got too many spoons in that drawer of his.
And then there's another Wallaby, Matt Gitto who famously kicked the Wallabies to a 9-8 loss to Scotland in Murrayfield back in 2009 if I'm not mistaken. He kicked so well that he only managed to kick one. That was from the sideline blowing and he missed three right in front.
And then of course Suzanne Blah, she's an Olympic gold medalist in the women's shooting clancy.
Yes, yes another famous queen bee knees, queen bee knight, queen bee insider if you will. A lot of prominent people, mostly sports stars have come out of the New South Wales own suburb of the ACT and it is renowned for providing the real world outside of the bowl of Canberra with a lot of entertainment and there's surprisingly many more that we haven't mentioned today, including the man we are about to speak to, Hal Luddukefu, who at one point could have been one of the queen bee's famous sporting products but instead chose the life of Australian hip hop royalty. He runs a hip hop show on Triple J for those listening at home or those listening in the diamond tenor who might not have access to Triple J. He's got a 20 year career in the industry as both an artist and a record label executive Clancy. Yes he's done a lot in his time for the hip hop, Australian hip hop culture and for the Polynesian community in the arts, full stop and he stopped here today in town to check out some emerging hip hop talent in the diamond tenor, mostly from Batuta Ponds but you know while he's on the lookout we've invited him into the studio and he's agreed to have a chat with us. And he's going to talk to us about a whole manner of things today he says, including of course the frosty relationship between Triple J and MC Cursor who fired a shot on our podcast just a few short months ago. You might remember this.
Yeah we saw that one the other day of you, someone threw a Triple J banner on stage. Yeah nah man it was behind the sound guys and the sound guy was spewing too man. It's behind his head and I noticed it just before we went on stage and then my mate's like oh I'll go take it down and they go nah I'll take it down after the first song so like did first song and then oh there's a Triple J banner, bring that here. Just ripped it up, the crowd went crazy man.
They know the backstory to it, there's no explaining.
Yes he's going to explore that relationship with the abrasive Campbelltown hip-hop artist and Aria chart topping MC Cursor and much much more. How, Ladda Kefu, how are you mate? I'm really good, thanks for having me man. We originally had plans of doing a cypher today with How, a rap cypher where Errol and I had actually been working on our stuff but we thought you know what let's just have a flat out interview with Howie. Howie what's been happening mate? Everything man, hectic times but good times you know with a family and a few jobs under my belt, keeps me on my toes but you know I wouldn't have it any other way.
Yeah I think it would have been the first, it was a cypher you said? Yeah I think that would have been the first one we had here on this country rock radio station I'll tell you what you know we've had we've had Curse through here you know he didn't offer to spit some bars you know it's it would have been nice but you know. Well we did have on high rotation a couple years ago Tim McGraw fit Nelly which was I guess the classic country hip-hop fusion we've had. That must have been a bit before my time. Yeah it might have been.
Also Florida Lion did a song with Nelly as well he's actually quite a diverse artist. And speaking of diverse artists but as well as just career wise Howie, you started as a MC producer at any point? MC? Yeah I actually did produce a few tracks here and there but yeah predominantly an MC.
Mm-hmm and that was out of Queanbeyan? Out of Queanbeyan.
Coolest one was the band? Yeah well I was actually born in Canberra but then you know a few minutes after that straight back to 2620 and yeah Stomping Grounds of Canberra and met Daniel around 1992 and yeah from there we formed various groups but ended up being Coolism. Coolism yeah and so for the listeners in the Dymantina Shire or around the country that aren't familiar with this particular genre of Australian I mean the Aria is called urban music but then again you just said you're from Queanbeyan which is technically rural New South Wales. Australian hip-hop which has moved leaps and bounds and you were obviously a pioneer in that in the early days. What were you up against just trying to be a rapper back when Silverchair was the most popular music? Yeah a lot of the times people were like well you rap you know that you're not even American yeah it's like yeah you know I know some opera singers and country singers they're not American or Italian either so there's a lot of those arguments and a lot of it was dealing with our own identity you know obviously grew up listening to a lot of stuff from the UK and you start off rapping like an American like your favorite American artist but then you're like you know what we're Australian let's use Australian slang let's talk about you know when I started rapping I talked about playing rugby and being Tongan and it's just about that really. And what is the demographics of Queanbeyan like when you were a kid anyway? There are a lot of a lot of Kiwis a lot of Maori people there a lot of as we call them Macos, Macedonians, a handful of Asians as well you know predominantly white but you know and you looked at Canberra and it was quite multicultural it wasn't like when my cousins grew up in Auckland or grew up in Sydney they they were predominantly mixed with Islanders whereas we were kind of forced to grow up with everyone which was awesome. Lots of international babies in Canberra too like diplomats kids growing up with mates from you know Venezuela to Holland and and and you so from there you were actually charted with coolism you guys were on the charts or was it was it more of an underground kind of thing? No it was definitely an underground thing you know like Canberra I was always well known for their DJs and graffiti writers and I mixed up a lot of the graffiti writers and that whole culture it's crazy you know a lot of a lot of fights this and that you know a lot of stealing a lot of racking and you know drugs and this and that and I grew up with a lot of those guys and they kind of taught me the ropes it was a lot of things even though I didn't write I was a rapper and then I would come up Sydney and mix up with people from West ride and those sort of areas and they were heavy in the streets and so I grew up with a lot of those guys but I was more like you know I rap and I play rugby you know and I was mixing up with them but it was exciting but I was more music thing where they were in the those other things.
So you're playing league or union? Union man, union of course I did play league school and and for one year outside of school one year played league and union you know back in those days where you could back up the next day like yeah I feel good I'm gonna play another game. Saturday, Sunday yeah going to other days and did that ever look like a thing?
Yeah yeah definitely you know there was a time where you know I was playing I was playing at not a bad level we had a team in the New South Wales competition back then it was called Canberra Kookaburras so I was playing Colts then at that time I was like you know what I'll give us a crack you know I want to play for the Wallabies or Plan B play for Tonga and then music started taking off and and I just chose music to you know to my father's dismay but you know he understood after a few years later but yeah rugby has always been a big thing yeah I mean not only for myself but you know my dad and my uncles and all the relatives in Tonga. So did your family come via New Zealand or was they just cousins over there? No no my uncle came to Canberra to go to uni in sort of the late 60s early 70s and then he brought over his brothers and and some other boys from the same village which included my wife's dad so they all came at the same time and my uncle's like setting them up and said okay you're gonna be a mechanic you're gonna be a painter you're gonna be an electrician you're gonna be a draftsman and then they set up shop and then whenever anyone needed something they just hollered at the other form their own economy.
It's like mafia. The tradesman mafia tradesman.
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Okay cool so when did that when did you start going on tour and was that a shock to the system? Yeah definitely because especially at that time you know there was no infrastructure there was no industry for us. No one believed in in hip-hop being made in Australia and so you I would travel from Queen Bea to Sydney for shows you know you play for like 20 people whatever but that 20 people were passionate people at that time. They were the real fans. Yeah they were really in it for love and for the culture of things and even that was really exciting like oh wow we're gonna go to the show and they're gonna pay us $50 to do this like oh awesome and I just remember the first time we got paid to travel interstate our first interstate show was Adelaide. Coincidentally that was the first time met the hoods as well and because you'd hear about people like oh wow yeah these guys. The hilltop hoods were kind of pioneers as well I guess on the other side of the country. Yeah definitely you know there were in each state in each territory or you know a few people doing it and at that time it was internet wasn't even popping like that you know. One of our friends had a mobile that time and Street Press was a big thing you know and um the only way you'd find out about some anyone had videos music videos and so the only time you'd hear about someone is when you went to a record store and then the guy working at the record store would be like hey have you heard of these guys they're from Melbourne they made this you know oh wow and so when you went to Melbourne or when they came to wherever and you'd see him like oh is that so-and-so over there and that's how you met people. So Adelaide was our first interstate show and I remember turning to Daniel on the plane like man can you can you believe this that people actually paying us paying for the flight and then paying us to perform it was it was quite a moment and it was quite overwhelming and then from there it you know different states and then national tours and yeah it was crazy.
How do you think Adelaide ended up as being the epicenter of early Australian hip-hop? Australia's Atlanta.
It's very known. The hilltops were basically you know our outcasts weren't they? Yeah I just think they just had a strong community over there you know they had certified wires which was a crew that hilltop hoods would spearhead and but they also had funk wars and they had vents and they had after hours and all these other groups and I think they just had a strong collective that were all strong in their in their own right and they just moved as a collective. Wasn't too clicky either. Was that? Or was that hard for you to break into the Adelaide world? No really that was the beauty of being from from Queen Bien because Queen Bien Canberra wasn't really known for hip-hop artists and so wherever we went we went. As these other guys. Yeah as these other guys and we were always welcome because we weren't involved in any politics inner-city politics or even kind of big city politics like yeah back then if Sydney and Melbourne was like I mean it's always clashing but yeah it was like that people would think oh okay these guys are almost like like neutral yeah and so we'd get along with everyone else too and plus I was telling you and I was like he's bigger back then. Well you weren't like a skinny guy wearing a like a peaked beanie.
Obviously your old man would have to have been happy with how that turned out because if you look at the state of professional sports at the moment going on tour as a footballer in any code would result in more trouble than a hip-hopper. Well you know wouldn't be too bad because there was no mobile phones and social media so you know what stayed on field actually you know I stayed at work went on and actually stayed on tour. Yeah and of all this stuff that's happened in the rugby league. Mate. In the off season I mean you haven't heard a peep out of the Union boys I mean like the last thing that I remember hearing about a rugby Union boy acting out was the halfback Nick he pissed on a bar down there in Sydney in Willhara in a private function like it was his bucks party and and what God forbid he had a piss somewhere other than the urinal and that was in the newspapers. It wasn't in the newspapers for long though.
Was the village voice down in Willhara? He didn't even piss in his own mouth it was just on the floor. It was quite timid in comparison.
You know Curly Bill had a few incidents. Curly has done his best to be in as many videos as possible. He was just an old mate. He used to play the full bag. Curly Bill's good friend, young kid and he was an awesome player but then he just mucked up to me times went to Europe.
Quaid. No no no. O'Connor. O'Connor got caught with a bag yeah. Yeah but you know he was done the moment he goes you know I'm just trying to do what's best for the James O'Connor brand.
It's like mate don't say that. Don't ever say that. Please don't say that in a post-match interview for the Wallabies.
But it is a bit like that. The rugby union guys though there's been no leaks because as it is well known that rugby union players only have sex to procreate and they don't film. And they always have to maintain eye contact. Even if it's like it's like you know even if actually I should just stop. I remember when things were happening like that back in the days and someone I think it might have been Fitzy or something said the difference is the rugby union boys say thank you afterwards. I mean obviously it's happening everywhere but there is something really bad in that league culture.
Also this is the first time we've seen Millennials who've grown up with iPhones.
It's one thing to whip it out and film it. It's another thing to put it up in a fucking public forum like a Whatsapp group that's full of people you got no like like yeah there could be. Pull your head in. It's just a bit of common sense. Yeah and there's just I mean obviously there are some some contributing factors social media you know access to porn like how easy it is and no kind of monitoring whatsoever but you has to start somewhere just respect. Respect for female, respect for fellow human beings. It's messy.
Now that is a good lead into where you're at now. No it's a good lead into where you're at now is where you're looking for talent and you know aside from football you're looking for talent in hip-hop. And I can imagine some of these blokes you're meeting might be a bit volatile and might need a little bit of guidance. Yeah definitely. I mean it all walks life but you know hip-hop is that culture. It comes from the street essentially and a lot of people connect, a lot of young artists connect with things that are violent and things that are from the streets and it is what it is as they say but it's it then it's like okay well this is your life now but at some point you're gonna have to evolve as an artist and as a man. So that's where I feel I come in is to kind of nurture that talent but also just give them options like okay cool we don't want to stick with the street shit you know where that's going you have friends and family dead or junkies or they're in jail. You can go that way or with music that could potentially open more doors do shows tour you know keep you out of the can.
One thing we've seen with with hip-hop in Australia is it actually has and this would be an interesting one for you of all people to kind of watch because you were you've kind of walked in both worlds between the mainstream and this underground which is getting more and more kind of grimy and kind of you know street as you said. What was your thinking when like the the charting kind of hip-hop in Australia was kind of more about barbecues and you know going to festivals and stuff like that as someone who obviously grew up listening to rap from all over the world. I know I kind of feel like hip-hop in Australia it's unfair rap about it it's always about barbecues. You know obviously there is and hey who doesn't like a barbeque to be honest but I understand you know there is some stuff.
It's the buzzword that people use. Yeah I know I know it kind of annoys me at the same time but at the same time I do understand. But yeah that's why it's so exciting now especially the last four years is it was the breath of fresh air we so sorely needed you know because for a while when the hoods blew up we felt like yes we've done it one of our own has done it and then they kind of created this thing and it was like oh shit it's not exactly where I thought we needed to go as a culture as a music. But then you know a lot of people that felt they couldn't connect with that movement or felt outcasted from movement like you know what fuck it let's go do our own thing and that's when things started getting exciting.
And social media you know for all the negatives that we just mentioned has done wonders for like artists across all genres obviously you know a lot of people a lot of pop stars have made their name through YouTube, SoundCloud. I saw an interview the other day you know the the Arctic Monkeys were here. They just did a tour of this country and they said that they owed a lot of their early success to LimeWire and the fact that people were like pirating the hell out of their music and then you know that's how word spread. Yeah definitely you know because a lot of these countries wouldn't have access to CDs and things of that nature and you know it's like it's kind of a tangent but Soulja Boy when he first started making music he would upload his music to LimeWire but would name it 50 Cent in the club so when people started downloading it it was like a Soulja Boy song like what the fuck and then people would be like oh no this is actually slaps. Well that's why he made sure to mention his name in every verse. Soulja Boy. But yeah social media has been I mean it's catch-22 isn't it the whole internet thing but it definitely for the better has allowed hip-hop artists of all genres all sub-genres to connect with pockets of people around the world you know without having to go through the traditional gatekeepers or labels and it's been awesome but at the same time there's no real quality control.
Yeah. You know it's like Wild West out there like someone and hip-hop is. Wildstar. Wildstar is at that point where it doesn't take much to write a hip-hop song you know if you have the program you just record it and then you can just straight away upload it to SoundCloud and it just sounds like they recorded a song through a toaster it's like but at the same time there is a kind of charm about that. Yeah yeah the kind of rough. Yeah. And that kind of energy is like you know before it gets filtered and then polished and then put out in the wild it's like yeah.
Now we interviewed David Lapepe and Jochee from Gang of Youths and they're a big point they made actually when they won album of the year in their speech. Beautiful speech.
Yeah it was about how you know islanders in Australia are now you know it's a conversation everyone's having that you know you can be diverse in what you do when you leave school and that kind of stuff and they would I guess you'd say the most high-profile Polynesian rockers in the world. Yeah definitely. Yeah I'm not sure about the states but definitely in Australia. Yeah. Have you kind of seen that as well in the public eye the kind of the talent of you know P.I. Australians shining through?
Yeah definitely you know like and it goes both ways you know when you grow up in the 80s and 90s you know there's only certain things that you could do as a Pacific Islander. Play football, go stand outside of a door and be security of work council and you know when your parents come from you know go through all ethnicities when the parents come from overseas to Australia for a better life with more opportunities. They don't want to hear that you want to be a musician you know what I mean it's like man we came over here we want you to be doctors. So we're kind of like okay we just need to do what we can do to make money. But I think with the new generations they're starting to see like oh what we can we can be creatives even for me to be a rapper was you know and for me to chase that dream. Was a hurdle. Yeah you know my uncles you know there's no future in that which you know I can understand because at that point there really was none and my parents being the beautiful loving parents that I have were supportive but at the same time they're like well you got to have something else to fall back on. But yeah and in recent years it's been awesome that Pacific Islanders are being able to do whatever they feel like they want without pressure from church or pressure from their parents. You know and it's a you know you kind of inherit this feeling of not wanting to rock the boat not wanting to be different but now I feel that there's confidence growing in the younger generations. And there is in the Australian hip-hop scene a bigger presence as well it's not just Howie anymore.
The triple one. No sorry not the triple one. Don't want to mix that one up. One four is your most recent kind of.
You spotted those guys. What happened there. Yeah.
Turquoise Prince. Shout out to Turquoise Prince as well.
Queanbeyan.
Well that's another story but. Arguably. If he wants to claim it's alright. His old man was from there so you know he's got a right. You know feel fresh.
There's a lot. But yeah one four boys. No because they were already doing their thing. You know by the time I saw them they were already on a hundred plus thousand views. And so you're looking at like wow this is crazy. You know I got involved because I could see that there's so much potential there but they they just didn't have the focus or dedication to commit to having a I guess a career in music. You know they're heavy in the streets and. Bella Club. Yeah you know and one of them is locked up and one just came out. You know it's a lot happening and without any kind of guidance it can just not go where it should go.
And I think because I never had any kind of like my OG's are street guys. You know I didn't have anyone in the music industry where I could reach out to because we were trying to figure that shit out ourselves.
And so me being having the experience that I have of taking it upon myself to reach out to the young generation say look like what you're doing. If you need any advice or feedback I'm here. You know I think that's important to have with the younger generation and with those guys that's what I did. I said look if this is what you really want to do. Then let's meet and let's talk and let's try and plan and that's what's happened.
So what capacity are you working in in that role is it you're with a with a label. I do have a label. You have a label.
Yeah. It's an imprint of Sony and it's called Forever Ever.
And with these guys at the moment I'm just like mental which I am with a lot of young artists just being there and because they're going to make mistakes and they should make mistakes. That's how you learn. But then my job is to alleviate as many mistakes as possible. And that's like you know keeping those guys on the outside as well as you know other artists when they're talking to people that are approaching them from they want to manage or want to sign them. It's just like well let's talk about it. This pros and cons blah blah blah. And yeah I love being one of those you know older statesmen elder statesmen and just being able to offer offer that advice and time and knowledge.
You have had the hip hop show on Triple J since about 10 years now. Yes this is the 11th year. Yeah and even before that Maya had it for two years. And then Nicole Foote which was she was the first host. I think she may have had it for two years as well.
Now do you think that you know you record later in the evening. Do you think some of the young lads that you bring in there for live cyphers and stuff might rattle the everyday ABC employee down there at all times. We've seen a couple of those cyphers. Yeah well you know it's recorded late at night so everyone's at home snug in bed. But when I get it is interesting because because in the ABC building obviously we have triple J but then you have national radio and then you have you know a lot of suits in there as well. So when you know I had one of the latest interviews I did was with a boogie with a hoodie you know he's from the Bronx and he just has like same mount jury as like Migos.
And he's just like walking through the foyer and everyone's just like who the hell is this kid. He's only like young kid. I think he made early 20s and just glowed up.
Yeah but at the same time people are excited by it. Christine Milne. What's in the bum bag lad?
Yeah but like I said you know because people they live a certain life and it's just intriguing. So my wife she she owns her own business and marketing and she has a very corporate lifestyle. And then when we head out to things people want to talk to me because I'm just so foreign to their life and it's intriguing.
Oh when you go to the corporate plus one. Yeah and they start asking about music and artists and I'm like oh yeah. Yeah before being there before. Yeah I know you can relate. When I put my jewelry on and head out to the regional news like functions. Pull up in your race.
Now so what can you see happening what are some big names that everyone who's listening who might you know kind of be brushing up on all their knowledge furiously now on their iPhones and all the names were dropping. Who else can you tell people to look out for?
Man. Unless you've got a verse coming up on someone's album. Hot 16. Nice play. I mentioned Phil Fresh.
I think he's going to have an exciting year. He often travels around with Kwame and Kwame's having a great year as well.
There's this young 16 year old girl from Gold Coast called Hoodsy. I think she's going to be something to watch out for as well. But yes there's a lot you know and probably when I leave I'll remember a whole heap more. It's like people say oh what are you listening to now? So off the top of my head yeah those two are going to be going to be exciting. And I'm excited for Hoodsy because we really need my female energy out here. You know there's a lot of testosterone flying around and too much of that is not healthy so yeah be good to see her do her thing.
There's a particular sound coming out of Western Sydney which is a bit more of a look that you actually don't see anywhere else in the world. Which is the nautica and the bum bag. That kind of vibe. Is that in itself are there different kinds of chasms around the country? Different kinds of bubbles that you're seeing? I mean like you said coming from Queenbury is probably the best place to be placed looking out to the country. Yeah there are a lot of pockets and different sub-genres.
You get a lot of the West Sydney crew which is interesting. I had my nephew come out from New Zealand and they're starting to listen to a lot of those guys. Like One Four, Hooligan Heffs, Pistol Pete and Enzo and they're starting to dress like them. Yeah right. Because they're ashy and eat swan. So it's interesting because West Sydney's always been quite influential but I don't think they've been given the love that they deserve. But now everyone's like oh West Sydney and then it's going out to the world.
So yeah it's an interesting time but it's great. Yeah I know it's always been interesting to have a look at the ARIA charts at the end of the year. I mean you've got obviously it's Christmas time so you've got Michael Buble, Mariah Carey and Joe Legend.
They're all up there like that but do you think now that the country and indeed the world has gone to shit. That the things that Cursa and all people like and what they rap about has become less abrasive than say what Powderfinger was going on about. Like 20 years ago being like you know just looking at a sunset and strumming my guitar. I don't know I think yeah maybe people are just more open to hearing about it. Or people are more interested because you know West Sydney is traditionally being looked down upon. You know like hard working and all like kind of boggins or grunks or whatever. So I think people are just more or the newer generations anyway are just more open to hearing what's happening out there.
And it's exciting you know I live out in the east and I'll tell you there's not much popping out there besides. Thought you'd be happy I made it. Yeah well you know exactly that you know I love it out there actually but yeah it's kind of bland compared to when you head out west and it's like culturally diverse.
For a gig at an RSL or something out there. Yeah you know at Panthers you know. Yeah. After the roast and hit the open mic. Oh yeah. The wet counter meal yeah.
I've heard a fair bit of rap come out of the Blue Mountains down there in Sydney. It's an odd part of the world I mean it's just. Not really man. Like Blue Mountains have deep history you know. Hermitry from there.
Earthboy. Dielectrics.
A lot of great artists have come there but had to move to Sydney in order to make things happen. But I'm thinking Blue Mountains kind of like Queanbeyan you know you're just isolated so you just work on craft. Yeah it's come a long way from being the member there in Blaxland some 30 odd years ago it was Paul Keating you know. They have come a long way from having gone from.
And I was mad freezing out there like Queanbeyan. Yeah yeah yeah it's a bit like yeah a lot like the bowl that you kind of come from. God damn it gets cold in here. Oh mate.
I used to leave the studio at 3 o'clock in the morning and we'd have to scrape the ice off the windscreens. Yeah when I lived down there I had a tape deck that was the very best of the Eagles. That I just used to scrape all the ice off the windscreen. So he just placed it on top because it was so hot and I was just like.
He missed it. Now it's one thing we should talk about is Cursa because he has obviously been a big part of almost a pioneer of a new wave. No definitely. Air Shay kind of you know Western Sydney sound. But also not all sound but a very like a DIY attitude.
Yeah and it's kind of undeniable now for especially like music executives who probably were giving the heads up on him five years ago. And then now it's now he's kind of dismissed that world and he's making his money off touring and selling CDs. People buying his CDs.
Don't forget the Cursa Bikinis. Oh really? Cursa Bikinis.
He's got some real merch. Yeah he sold them out yeah. Wow. And now he's teamed up with well Nautica's teamed up with him as well. Which was a huge thing for everyone I guess. Massive. A sponsorship for a hip hop artist.
When did you first see that and did you see anything like when you first saw what he was doing did you ever see the potential for that? Or do you think it was just another one of those kids that could have been you know a flash in the pan? Well no I definitely saw it because when I first saw him like years ago he was already on like hundred thousand views.
And I was like fuck who's this? You know because I hadn't heard of him. But my crew out that way are like yeah it's Cursa you know he's like king out there. And I was like wow. And when I first met him you know Cursa and I have had little words on social media. But when I first met him I said I truly appreciate your hustle and what you've done to get this far without any kind of support from radio or TV.
But I just for myself I just couldn't connect with some of the songs. At that time too it was making a lot of kind of dancey track like almost house kind of tracks. And I was like I'm trying to find something to play on the show but I'm personally not connecting with it.
But that's not saying that that won't happen. And he was like yeah cool I get that. He has a very fucked Triple J attitude which is fine. I mean a lot of people have that attitude and that's fine too.
But when you say fuck Triple J you're essentially saying fuck me too. So I kind of feel like. And then when I pull up people they're like oh I'm not talking about you you know what I mean. I'm like yeah but when you say it. We're talking about Ben and Liam. You know.
You know I'll play these songs on the show and he's been on my show twice. You know he's kind of you know I've heard a lot of interviews in here and I read a lot of his interviews. Everyone's interviews because I'm just a rap nerd. I just like to see what people are doing you know. And he's kind of conveniently left out that he's been on my show with Forte to talk about one of his albums. I think it was maybe the Scott album.
It's not anything but it's just like come on man. What you're saying you've been on the show. Like you've talked.
Do you find that hard where you're kind of like seen as a gateway to mainstream radio play for a lot of kids and a lot of musicians and artists. And then you can only get as far as you and you play them on your show. And then people would kind of look at you as you know having a lot more influence over what they're playing on Breakfast. Sometimes I feel like that. Like literally they are pissed off for Ben and Liam but you're wearing it. Yeah you know but I think most people know where my heart is. You know me and what I've done for the culture and music. And so if something doesn't happen for them they know it's not out of me trying to cop block them. It's just like it's just not resonating further than my show. Which is you know I would love more hip hop played outside of my show. But then you think about all the genres that are probably feeling the same way. And you've got to also imagine Richard Kingsmore listening to that demo you gave him. Yeah you know I think a lot of people kind of underestimate how much music we get as well.
You know what I mean. And for them like for me it's just hip hop. But for them for everyone outside of the hip hop show it's like hip hop, rock, heavy like punk, dance. The 13 different versions of Ocean Alley that have popped up in the last four months. You know so you know you've got to give them a break. Anything hip hop yeah you know at me.
I'm yet to see Cursor face to face since then. It'd be good just to have like a proper conversation about why he feels a certain way. Because I always thought we were cool but then obviously he feels differently. Do you feel like the beef is maybe getting less intense though across the scene because everyone's making money now? Mmm. I guess less jealous. It's because the scene is so small and you're bound to run into someone.
Yeah. You know what I mean. If it was like true beef then it will get handled. Because when you see them something will happen. So you know I think people are just kind of a bit wary of that. And you know what have we got to complain about really. Everyone has an opportunity to succeed. And it is the most multicultural kind of genre in Australia. I guess you were saying with the Hooligan Heffs and you know your guys in one four and now chilling it. Like every kind of you know everyone's represented. Yeah. What are you seeing with that particular sound? Chilling it. Do you feel like that's going to be the next big thing? Yeah kind of.
I mean obviously he's the hardest artist at the moment. He'd be one of the biggest in Australia. Yeah definitely. I think he's probably the most open about his love of a bamboo schooner. Yeah I mean I think he was you know more strings and well I don't know who's just went number one. So I don't know. But I think yeah he's definitely the hardest thing you know.
Harder than Paul Cursa. He's probably harder than the Hoods. Especially with the young generation anyway. But like even is probably harder than Missy Higgins, Courtney Barnett.
Yeah. But it's amazing to see you know the last what year. When he came back to rapping and then from then it just blew up. But you know it's not only the music. You know he's very charismatic. You know he's awesome on socials and that's all the things that you have to take in consideration.
Hip hop in Australia's never really had a sex icon is that what you're saying? Apart from a young Howie of course. Oh of course. Before I got married you know I was out there. Nah. And DJ Debris. He was a hot piece of ass back in the day wasn't he? Sex icon.
Briggs.
You know. Slimming down. You know he's looking good these days. But yeah and he's just that lovable chap. You know.
The one that the girls want to be with. The one the guys want to hang out with.
So you know he's about to do his tour and yeah. It'll be interesting to see what the next release will be like. You know because I feel that the first one was just kind of a mishmash of what he was doing. Seems to be he's focusing on creating like a proper body of work. So yeah it'll be interesting to see where he goes from here.
Yeah. MC Stanley. Stanley? Yeah yeah. There's Bumbag and Stanley. They're two popular. Is he named after like the knight? Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yeah I think he's involved.
They're pretty hard. Both of their dads are lawyers. And they went to a private school.
Yeah real Blu Sinesso vibes. But they're you know. There's scenes popping off everywhere and we've got to thank you for coming in today Howie. Thanks for this chit chat. I appreciate it. It's an honor. Like fair and square it's an honor to come on this show and you know you guys have provided the laughs for everyone for a long long time especially for the Pacific Island community. So you know as a representative of the community I thank you for the humor and you know some of my favorite articles from Batuda the one where the guy was given permission to say us up there and the laughing emoji one I think is right up there as well. Well the Polynesian community are pioneers of the laughy cry emoji. Yeah. No it's you know it's again Batuda multicultural part of the world and we have we have a big Pacific Islander community as well so that all comes through in the writing.
But we'll show you around the place now actually now that we've finished the interview let's go have a look and maybe we can do a little bit of a cypher later on we won't record it or anything. It's not the NRL we'll keep these videos locked down.
Thanks Howie. Thanks mate. And that was our interview with How Lada Kefu. There's a lot going on in his world a lot going on in the Australian music scene in general so we look forward to another prosperous year for those in the makeshift recording studios around the country. You're doing it for the culture. Congratulations and good luck. My name is Clancy Overall. This is the Batuda Avenue radio show. Thanks for tuning in. You be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker.
Until next week never talk to the cops. They're not your friends and always talk to them if you have a lawyer present only. And of course say to the Perkies. |
SaturdayNightLive | scooby_doo_snl | We now return to Scooby-doo and the mystery of the Shadow Phantom. Keep your eyes peeled Gang: The Shadow Phantom has to be hiding somewhere. I hope we find him soon. this place is giving me the creeps. Zoinks guys, like I think there's someone behind me. you're such a scaredy cat. Shaggy. it's just me and that sounds like a scaredy dog. Come on gang. I think scoobies in trouble. it's just a suit of armor. Scooby. nothing to be afraid of, but I'm sure afraid of that. Wow, great work, Scooby.
Yeah, you captured the Phantom, right, right now let's see who this Phantom really was. You're the one who's been terrorizing the town and I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids. This bookcase leads to a secret passage. That's how we snuck in and out and he used piano wire and police to make himself float. But wait a second. Who is Old Man Franklin, I mean really, no one is who they appear to be. What have you kooky kids gotten yourselves into? Oh my God. We just shot a cop. We can't have any witnesses, please don't Now are you in or are you out?
Oh rump-rope bitch apple face. I do never get ripped off again. |
cracked | 4_small_changes_that_make_awkward_people_s_lives_way_better | Hello, I am Daniel O'Brien, crack.com's head writer, and if you've followed my career, you know that social interaction isn't exactly my strong suit. There are ways for me and others like me to work on our awkwardness, confront our fears, learn how to function better in society, but that sounds like it would involve a lot of work and talking to other people like right in person, or on the phone, oh my god. So instead, I'd like to offer some changes that the world can make to accommodate me. I live in Los Angeles, but my family and the people I grew up with all live in New Jersey, and because I like my family and as a late 20-somethings-year-old, every goddamn person I grew up with is now getting married, I end up spending a lot of time on planes.
I also acknowledge that not everyone flies that often, and some people might be flying for the first time, which is exactly why I think an instructional manual might come in handy. And to be clear, I don't mean the safety one that already comes with an airplane about oxygen masks and life reservers and what you should do if the plane hits a mountain, which is say something cool, and then just die, I guess. I mean, we need an instruction manual for just general plane etiquette.
Respect that armrests are part of a neutral zone to be shared by two people. Relax on the amount of space that you think your knees deserve. Don't stand in a clump in front of the line before your boarding group is called, because that emotionless clump is, guess what, line-like in mannerisms and appearance, and very confusing to people whose boarding groups have actually been called. You're anxious to get on the plane, I know anxiety, but the seats are numbered. We've figured it out, we've already taken care of it. You have a seat. If you're going to lean your chair back, don't. I mean, I know that the option is there that you can lean your seat back, but come on, we're all just trying to live in this big stupid world. Just be cool. Also, when the plane lands, don't stand up as soon as the safety belt light turns off, because there are still about 10 minutes before the doors will actually open. That's just 10 minutes where you're looming over the guy next to you, making everyone anxious, shifting your weight back and forth, just towering. Everyone just close your eyes and sit still.
The most alienating thing to an awkward person at a gym is that everyone else seems like they know everything about every piece of equipment and muscle group and so on. Everyone's so confident and sure and tall, but some of us are still fairly new to gyms.
These are machines that might be great, but I will never try, because the embarrassment of using it wrong in front of the strong tan and beautiful of Los Angeles is so great that I legitimately have panic dreams about it. Like in a dream, I pull a thing on a machine and then it snaps, and I'm like, ha ha ha, and then I run into the sea, just so I never have to face any of those golden strangers again.
Now, a lot of you are probably thinking, why don't you just ask someone more experienced for tips, which would be a great solution if I were even remotely functional socially. That is, I don't know if you could tell by my everything, sadly not the case. The real solution, amateur hours, set aside a few hours every day for me and the other mutants to experiment with different weights and machines without the fear that we're going to embarrass ourselves in front of all the perfect chads and electros that normally frequent the gym. I just want to know what some of that stuff does. My gym has like these big, giant ropes just lying around. And those cartoon weights that are like an iron ball with a handle, like a tiny metal purse that makes me strong. What'd I do with that? Clap them?
You know what my favorite thing about Uber is? The fact that you don't really have to talk to anyone. Talking and bonding is woven into the DNA of calves, but with Uber, I turn on my phone, press the Uber button, type in my destination, and that's it. My credit card information is already stored in there. The Uber driver picks me up and we don't have to exchange a word if we don't want to, which we don't. My least favorite thing about Uber is that it feels like it's only a matter of time before serial killers find out about it and just go nuts.
I bring it up because I would pay any amount of extra money for a no-talking version of almost anything, a barbershop, where I just quietly meditate instead of trying to make forced, awkward small talk about the weather while a stranger touches my head and occasionally rests their breasts on my neck non-sexually. A dentist office where I could zone out and listen to music instead of having to engage in a conversation with a person while trying to ignore the fact that we're breathing into each other's mouths.
I haven't been to a doctor in like six years, not because I'm healthy. In fact, the opposite. I'm pretty sure that there are parts of my insides that are just left. Like I don't have them anymore? Some of the gross inside stuff just f*** off. But I avoid doctors because I don't want to try to bond over sports while some cold-handed stranger inspects my parts and is like, I really think a giant's have a shot this year.
But hey, let me grab onto your nutsack real fast. Oh no, that's a bad nutsack. You think they should fire a cough one? Cough? Or even if he's like, this is good. That's a world-class nutsack you got there. It's a champion nutsack.
I, thank you, I don't want to hear it. I don't, I just want the option to have routine checkups and appointments without forced social interaction. Despite what you may have been led to believe based on this video and my appearance and my just general, all of it, all of the whole thing, I'm not some social recluse. I go out at night, I do things, stomp around various speakeasies and discotheques with all the other gatabouts and I know how to let my hat fly, you know what I'm saying. On occasion though, I just want somewhere peaceful that isn't my apartment where I can grab a drink, read a book, maybe do some writing. It's hard to do that at a standard bar because most bars are loud and most people who write at bars just begging you to ask them what they're writing about. And if you haven't noticed, I'm bad at talking to strangers. I just want to write and drink alone. Oh, shut up.
Hengui did it and he was fine. Eventually shot himself at the end for some reason that I don't know about. But before that, he ruled the school. So easy with the judgments.
I try to keep work out of my home and reserve home life for unwinding and hanging out with my dog. So it would be nice to have some place that wasn't my apartment to sit in a comfy chair with a nice beer and write internet videos.
That's all I want. Oh my God, that's all I want?
Jesus, what a bummer. Anyway, these have been my humble solutions for small changes that would make life easier for socially awkward people. If you have any suggestions or additions, please, whatever you do, don't come up to me in real life and talk about them. I would just, aha, even thinking about it makes me very nervous. Please just back up a little bit right now, actually. This is too much for me to ask.
Thanks for watching whatever that was. Hope you liked it. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel and click like if you didn't know that that was a possibility. And in the comments, if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from Cracked and we'll make a playlist for you.
Learn how to function better in society, but that sounds like it would involve a lot of work and talking to other people like right in person or on the phone, oh my God. So instead, I'd like to offer some changes that the world can make to accommodate me. I live in Los Angeles, but my family and the people I grew up with all live in New Jersey. And because I like my family, and as a late 20-somethings-year-old, every goddamn person I grew up with is now getting married, I ended up spending a lot of time on planes.
I also acknowledge that not everyone flies that often and some people might be flying for the first time, which is exactly why I think an instructional manual might come in handy. And to be clear, I don't mean the safety one that already comes with an airplane about oxygen masks and life reserves and what you should do if the plane hits a mountain, which is say something cool, and then just die, I guess. I mean, we need an instruction manual for just general plane etiquette.
Respect that armrests are part of a neutral zone to be shared by two people. Relax on the amount of space that you think your knees deserve. Don't stand in a clump in front of the line before your boarding group is called, because that emotionless clump is, guess what, line-like in mannerisms and appearance and very confusing to people whose boarding groups have actually been called. You're anxious to get on the plane, I know anxiety, but the seats are numbered. We've figured it out, we've already taken care of it. You have a seat. If you're going to lean your chair back, don't. I mean, I know that the option is there that you can lean your seat back, but come on, we're all just trying to live in this big stupid world. Just be cool. Also, when the plane lands, don't stand up as soon as the safety belt light turns off because there are still about 10 minutes before the doors will actually open. That's just 10 minutes where you're looming over the guy next to you, making everyone anxious, shifting your weight back and forth, just towering. Everyone just close your eyes and sit still.
The most alienating thing to an awkward person at a gym is that everyone else seems like they know everything about every piece of equipment and muscle group and so on. Everyone's so confident and sure and tall, but some of us are still fairly new to gyms.
These are machines that might be great, but I will never try because the embarrassment of using it wrong in front of the strong tan and beautiful of Los Angeles is so great that I legitimately have panic dreams about it. Like in the dream, I pull a thing on a machine and then it snaps and I'm like, ha ha ha, and then I run into the sea, just so I never have to face any of those golden strangers again.
Now, a lot of you are probably thinking, why don't you just ask someone more experienced for tips, which would be a great solution if I were even remotely functional socially. That is, I don't know if you could tell by my everything, sadly not the case. The real solution? Amateur hours, set aside a few hours every day for me and the other mutants to experiment with different weights and machines without the fear that we're going to embarrass ourselves in front of all the perfect chads and electros that normally frequent the gym. I just want to know what some of that stuff does. My gym has like these big giant ropes just lying around and those cartoon weights that are like an iron ball with a handle, like a tiny metal purse that makes me strong, what do I do with that?
Clap them. You know what my favorite thing about Uber is? The fact that you don't really have to talk to anyone. Talking and bonding is woven into the DNA of calves, but with Uber, I turn on my phone, press the Uber button, type in my destination and that's it, my credit card information is already stored in there, the Uber driver picks me up and we don't have to exchange a word if we don't want to, which we don't. My least favorite thing about Uber is that it feels like it's only a matter of time before serial killers find out about it and just go nuts. I bring it up because I would pay any amount of extra money for a no talking version of almost anything, a barbershop, where I just quietly meditate instead of trying to make forced, awkward small talk about the weather while a stranger touches my head and occasionally rest their breasts on my neck non-sexually. A dentist office where I could zone out and listen to music instead of having to engage in a conversation with a person while trying to ignore the fact that we're breathing into each other's mouths.
I haven't been to a doctor in like six years, not because I'm healthy, in fact the opposite. I'm pretty sure that there are parts of my insides that are just left, like I don't have them anymore. Some of the gross inside stuff just f***ed off. But I avoid doctors because I don't want to try to bond over sports while some cold-handed stranger inspects my parts and is like, I really think giants have a shot this year, but hey, let me grab onto your nut sack real fast. Oh no, that's a bad nut sack.
You think they should fire a cough one? Cough?
Or even if he's like, this is good, that's a world-class nut sack you got there. It's a champion nut sack.
I, thank you, I don't want to hear it. I don't, I just want the option to have routine checkups and appointments without forced social interaction. Despite what you may have been led to believe based on this video and my appearance and my just general, all of it, all of the whole thing, I'm not some social recluse. I go out at night, I do things, stomp around various speakeasies and discotheques with all the other gatabouts and I know how to let my hat fly, you know what I'm saying. On occasion though, I just want somewhere peaceful that isn't my apartment where I can grab a drink, read a book, maybe do some writing. It's hard to do that at a standard bar because most bars are loud and most people who write at bars just begging you to ask them what they're writing about. And if you haven't noticed, I'm bad at talking to strangers. I just want to write and drink alone. Oh, shut up.
Anyway, did it and he was fine. Eventually shot himself at the end for some reason that I don't know about. But before that, he ruled the school. So easy with the judgments.
I try to keep work out of my home and reserve home life for unwinding and hanging out with my dog. So it would be nice to have some place that wasn't my apartment to sit in a comfy chair with a nice beer and write internet videos.
That's all I want. Oh my God, that's all I want. Jesus.
What a bummer. Anyway, these have been my humble solutions for small changes that would make life easier for socially awkward people. If you have any suggestions or additions, please, whatever you do, don't come up to me in real life and talk about them. I would just, aha, even thinking about it makes me very nervous. Please just back up a little bit right now, actually. This is too much for me to ask.
Thanks for watching whatever that was. Hope you liked it. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel and click like if you didn't know that that was a possibility. And in the comments, if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from Cracked and we'll make a playlist for you. I'm sorry. |
dropout | sexual_party_favors | Happy New Year, man. This place is a mess. You trashed it last night. Yeah, well, I'm a party hat. That's what I do. And don't worry about the mess, okay? I'll clean it up later.
Phew, that was an epic party. Epic! Whoa, come on, dude. Keep it down. Caitlyn's sleeping in my room. That girl from last night? You know it, man. We rang in the New Year all night long. Oh, for like 15 minutes or whatever. I can't remember. Nice!
You wore a condom, right? Nah, nah, nah, but don't worry. I made it my New Year's resolution, so I'll be fine. Uh, you better get yourself tested, dude. Don't you remember those horror stories about those other party favors that didn't wear condoms?
No, but I get the feeling you're gonna tell me all about it in your loud, annoying voice. Hey, I'm a noisemaker. What else you want me to do? Anyway, remember Kenny Kazoo?
Yeah, he's awesome. He's always making wacky, non-obnoxious noises. Oh, ha ha, yeah.
Well, he didn't wear a condom, and now his whistle doesn't work anymore. Yeah, that sucks for him, but that's not gonna happen to me.
Oh, really? Remember Bobby Balloon? Deflate it. Timmy the Top Hat?
Can't keep it up anymore. Oh, that's no good. Steve Streamer? Ripped to shreds.
Oh, I like that guy. And Peter the Party Popper? Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess.
Popped his top. No, he got hepatitis C and died.
Oh, geez, okay. You win. Alright, I'll go get tested, and I'll definitely wear a condom every time. Alright, good for you.
What's going on out there? Paul, come back to bed. I'll be right there.
Hey, don't forget these. It's the ultimate party favor. A box of party hats for the party hat. These are putt.
Why are you giving me potty hats? If you haven't noticed, I'm already a giant talking potty hat. They're condoms, moron.
I was trying to... I was trying to make a...
Never mind. Hey, you shouldn't joke about condoms. It's a serious issue. Grow up. But I just... Alright, I'm going back to bed. Clean up this mess, will you? Thanks. Eh, I hate you. Trojan reminds you to spread the cheer and nothing else in this holiday season. |
wearethesundayblues | blame_mumford_sons_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Here's an emotive riff Plucked on an unassuming stringed instrument Before you lose interest We'll get your attention back with this kick drum beat It repeats and repeats and repeats And repeats and repeats and repeats It's so uplifting It's too late, you're sucked in And then we seal the deal with the tambourine Whoa, you've taken the bait Now we'll toy with your emotions by bringing in Way too many vocals that aren't needed But we know you ladies love that shit I remember sensitive men Do you wanna make out with us yet?
It's a scientific fact This winning formula gets the ladies in the mood We've done our research It works even better to song in that Irish tongue Just think back to a year ago Mumford & Sons released Bae-Ball Don't you think it's funny?
All of a sudden There's all these babies in your Facebook feed Whoa, thanks a lot Mumford & Sons Because of you my timeline's filled with Babies going camping Going rock climbing Babies eating solids Babies skydiving Babies that have eyebrows Babies driving snow plows Babies flying jetpacks Babies that aren't born yet I recall a simpler time When college party photos filled up my timeline And getting poked by a friend Didn't mean that you would end up pregnant I figured this out, it's the perfect crime Why do you think that Mumford are biding their time?
I'll bet their next album is all nursery rhymes Targeting the victims of their previous crimes So when you're in your house Surrounded by babies With Mumford & Sons teaching your kids their ABCs If you listen to that band again Please do the world a favour and use protection |
TheOnion | Fraternity_Pledges_Describe_Their_Worst_Hazing_Experience | Fraternity slash sorority pledges. What was your worst hazing experience? I tried joining a frat my freshman year thinking it would be a good way to make friends and boy was I wrong. On the first night of hell week they set up a line of empty coffee mugs on the floor, pointed at them and said get in.
I said what? They said get tiny and get in there. I didn't understand. They said get tiny and get in there or we're going to taxidermy you. I tried as hard as I could to shrink my body down to four inches tall. But I couldn't do it and gave up after seven hours of trying. They said that it was okay and that we could still be friends even though I did not know how to get tiny but I was too embarrassed. They took a sharpie and wrote the word taxidermy on my bare chest. I guess fraternity life just wasn't for me.
A recent study has confirmed that your friends do impressions of you behind your back. Confirming what has been speculated upon for years, a comprehensive new report found that even your closest friends do an annoying little impression of your voice whenever you're not around. And, according to experts, each of your friends participates in mocking your voice and mannerisms, exaggerating them to a degree as to make everyone laugh at your expense. The report describes how often they do it as soon as you are out of earshot, pitching their voices up to sound nasally and annoying to repeat phrases that you just said, like how are you doing and when are you going to dinner. The report concludes that your friends love making you sound like the dumbest person they've ever met in their entire goddamn lives and that you are nothing but a laughing stock to them.
Texas has launched a new outreach program to provide troubled teens with the assault rifles they desperately need. Governor Greg Abbott announced that starting today, the state will work with local leaders to identify students most at risk of perpetuating violence and pair them with the highest quality semi-automatic rifles money can buy. Texans hope the new policy will help break down the barriers that so many underserved teens face when trying to purchase a firearm, providing them with free target practice, bump stocks, and hundreds of rounds of ammunition. If successful, Abbott signaled that Texas will extend the assault rifle program to troubled children as young as five years old. |
CrackerMilk | break_ups_in_the_middle_ages | I don't care that you're a lowly, smelly peasant with no money and I am the princess to be queen of this land. I'll throw that all away because I love you and I think that we're meant to be together. I think so too. If I had it my way, I would have you right now.
Well, why don't we? Oh, I can't say no to you. Okay, but could I just get a little back rub beforehand because I'm quite tight in the shoulders?
Witch. What? Witch! Witches, man. Witches.
I just did through my hair! Oh my god, it went all the way in! This is fucked. What's wrong, dude? What happened?
Here, put these on your leg. Here, hold that. Hold that for a sec. Just piss on him. Just wrap it around your legs there and then wrap it around so at least you have more protection. My legs are going to be fucking red soon. He didn't get the memo to wear pants. Hold that. Hold that for a sec. Just piss on him. Just wrap it around your legs there and then wrap it around so at least you have more protection. My legs are going to be fucking red soon. He didn't get the memo to wear pants. |
cracked | the_brief_and_wondrous_life_of_a_hangman_stick_figure | Hey! Uh, hello? Am I the only thing? It's beautiful. Hey! Hey youth, youth thing. Do you talk? Can you say hey? Hey! Oh!
Okay. Well, alright.
Could you let me down? Or tell me what I'm doing here? Or...
Hey! Thank you! Whoa! Hey! Look at this, huh? This is something! Hey!
I've sort of moved on from you there, guy.
Pretty all about this torso right now. Is it torso? Is that what it's called? Let's assume it's torso. I get another thing?
Oh! You look at me! I'm waving!
What? No... No new thing?
Woo hoo hoo hoo! Woo hoo hoo!
I could do this all day! Just getting these things and swinging back and forth and back and forth and back.
Yeah, we get it, why? Why? You're the worst, why?
Woo hoo hoo!
Hang on a second. There's no reason, no reason to just guess the first letter that pops into your head now. No! That was a terrible guess! Okay, just think for a second.
We can figure a word out. Jeez! We can talk about this. We can keep this going. We can work it out. Now, let's actually think about what the word might be.
X! Fucking X! Are you serious? You know there are like four words with X in them and none of them are that short. You are just the dumbest word out.
Wait, what?
Why?
In the arms of the angel, fly away from here.
Thanks for watching our video on YouTube. You should subscribe and give a thumbs up and leave comments. And if you don't know how to do that, then hey, welcome to YouTube. It's great. Check it out. A lot of cat videos. And if you also don't, then just use common sense and like a little bit of critical thinking.
There's a button. It says subscribe. Find it. Click it. Thanks. Are we done? |
dropout | The_Cast_Makes_Up_a_Song_Filled_With_Fake_Out_Rhymes_Play_It_By_Ear | Do you ever talk to the other birds? You know, the birds that don't live in the zoo? The little, like, sparrows that eat the popcorn and French fries? Because they live outside. Yeah, the little pigeons that perch up on the walls and on the bars with tales of the outside world. Ah, you talk about us. You talk about the birds that live up in the outside world. You talk about the outside birds?
Well, well, well. Well, if it ain't three little big-time pets.
Oh, we're so sad. Every day someone brings me food, but I don't like the method to which it's conveyed to me. Oh, you poor me. I fight for every scrap.
Ooh, I like this song coming on. I would really like this song to involve no rhyming, but instead, fake outs for every rhyme that might rhyme. Sounds easy, right? Yeah. Good luck. Ta-da. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, yeah, what's the gossip? What's the word?
Why don't you listen to three friends? We have a little tale, so sit right down, or you'll lose and lose again. Life is hard here out on the street. We ain't got sisters and brothers. And if it came down to it and we're fighting for food, we would even kill the other of us.
Oh, the birds of a feather don't stick as one. That's right. Birds of a feather don't stick as one.
Listen to you crying all day. Oh, no, I get fed. If I don't fight for every crumb that I eat, I would end up bereft of life. I don't get fed at all, not even a smidgen.
And that is coming from me, a morning dove. That's right.
Because birds of a feather do not stick as one. Birds of a feather do not stick as one. So yes, dream of the life that exists beyond these walls. And listen to our advice after all it's a bird song. And you may look at us and think, wow, they're rude. We honestly could be meaner. The moral lesson that we're sort of selling to you is the grass is always preferable somewhere else. Birds of a feather do not stick as one. Three different choruses. Birds of a feather don't stick as one. Don't even say why this is so safe. Do not stick together.
Don't be grateful to go where you are because you'd be happier locked behind bricks. Locked behind bricks.
Woo! |
CrackerMilk | how_guys_act_around_their_friend_s_girlfriend | He-Man's so handsome. His greatest power is his emotional maturity. Yeah, for sure. Maybe after this we could play some Magic the Gathering and talk about our feelings. Oh yeah! Thanks for letting me always talk about my feelings. Oh man, it's just so good to hang out with a bunch of guys that really understand each other.
And I'm so happy that your girlfriend's coming over. She sounds so sweet. She's here. Hey, come on in. Guys, this is my girlfriend, Nyx.
And that's how I killed him. Oh! Wow, you guys look so strong. You're the new girl, huh? He goes through him quick, let me tell ya.
She's nothing like what you said. She's beautiful and smart. You said she was like, what, 40 pounds? That's like hardly anything.
I like bench that much, dude. I could bench you.
We're sort of like the Avengers. That's Captain America. I'm kind of like the Iron Man and that's the Hunchback in Notre Dame.
Yeah, when we go out drinking, he's a bit of a wuss, by the way. So hey, don't worry, I'll protect her for you when we're out. I just do a couple of sss, sss, sss. Aw, thank you. He cries every time we go out drinking. He's super emotional. It's full on, hey? Imagine being emotional, bro. I just know muscles. Yeah! Your friend seems so nice.
Wait, what's your favorite movie? Oh, my favorite movie is probably 300. My favorite movie's 300! That's 600! Holy fuck! What's your favorite movie again, bro? The Wind in the Willows, you fucking loser.
Oh, well that's a list, shopping list movie. What, the shopping list movie? Oh, she's a shopping list.
Who gives a fuck about shopping, bro? Yeah, fuck you. Honestly. Fuck you.
Also, if you hear sobbing at night, that's probably him, to be honest. He cries quite a lot. Like, I know it's a safe space around here, but he cries like, a lot. We basically call him the girl of the group because he's so fucking stupid and emotional.
Has he told you about his bald spot? Things are fucking solar panel that gets that much fucking sun hitting it. Ha ha ha ha ha! Not true. Don't, don't, don't go anywhere. Oh, you want to sing your shadow box? It's kind of like this. I'm doing this five hours a day, every day. He does it.
So do you guys want to play Magic the Gathering still later? Who the hell plays Magic the Gathering, you fucking loser? We do. We played just like an hour ago.
Anyway, if you ever want to just hang out and talk about your feelings and make sure you're with someone who can provide, just come by. We'll always hear the chat. And we can always tell you stuff about him that he probably won't tell you because of his mental illnesses.
He's sick. He's really sick.
Ha ha. Oh my gosh, your friends seem so lovely. Yeah, he's got scoliosis, it turns out. Has he told you about that? Yeah. Spinal injury. Yeah. From like, nerd stuff. Can't say it anymore, but he's what we call, we can't say it, but he's actually what we call an R-T. Yeah, he does. He's really into R's. |
SaturdayNightLive | nfl_championship_sunday_cold_open_snl | You're watching the Afc Championship on Cbs between the Baltimore Ravens and the Kansas City Chiefs. I'm Jim Nance alongside Tony Romo and a quick shout out to one of our sponsors: you love to shake, rattle and Roll because you'll do all three on a Boeing 737 Max 9 Boeing because that's the sound it makes when the screws fly off. Tony, Are you excited for today's matchup? Oh, without a doubt, Jim. We've got two generational talents. a quarterback, two elite defenses.
I expect this to be an all-out battle for the next three hours, and after that, it's all over all over football. After today, it's just. it's done well. There's still the Super Bowl. Yeah, but that's not real football. Super Bowl is for commercials and usher and people who never watch football asking how many points a touchdown is worth. Today's the last real football day for just us guys.
Tony, Are you you okay? Bud? No, not really. All right. Well, let's throw it over to James Brown, our halftime crew for a sneak peek at what's ahead. Thanks Jim!
I'm here with Phil Sims, Bill Cower, and Nate Burleson and we were just listening to what Tony said and really got us thinking, yeah, I'm realizing that after this game ends, there's just nothing. what are men supposed to do on Sundays now? Just go to their friends houses for no reason. Without football, what are we gonna talk about? I mean, does anyone have anything remotely interesting or insightful to say?
I wish instead of salt, the ocean was full of sugar. Oh Jesus, we're doomed.
Well come on now. don't forget we still got the Pro Bowl coming up. Jim I have been covering football for 30 years and I have never once watched the Pro Bowl. You know this isn't just about us. America needs football.
It's the only thing everyone still watches, especially live. There's no other live Tv that's even remotely watchable.
Well, thank god Cbs still has Blue Bloods. The number one drama in every dentist office. Blue Bloods now. And it's wait. Final season. Now they're taking Blue Bloods from us to What the hell?
Are they even replacing it with? Oh My God. So help me Todd. What is that? It sounds Todd Damn awful.
People are getting upset about Barbie getting snubbed. What about Yellowstone is zero Emmy nominations? Yellowstone is our Barbie look and I understand that Margot Robbie got snubbed.
I really do. But sorry, but they're coming after Gosling Can was the first time I felt seen in a movie. All right guys, I think we all need to just calm down. Okay, let's go to Tracy Wilson who's standing on the sidelines with Kansas City Chiefs head Coach Andy Reid. Coach Reader: You upset about the season ending? Why? Because it's the only time I get to hang out with Taylor Swift. and now that's over. I'm sorry. I need to go guys. What? what is going on?
Can we just do our final predictions? I predict that people will be so depressed that dry January will give way to liver failure February. I predict that one of us will appear in a commercial for penis pills, but we won't know whether they make your penis longer, harder, straighter, or make it lose weight. Well, I predict I'm gonna cry cuz I love you guys so damn much I predict Ravens just.
I just realized something. After today, we may not have football. We still have each other. To quote, Fast and Furious Three through seven, it's about family and not counting my wife and three kids. You guys are the only family. I got some golf in Phoenix, get some gambling in and I'll tell you all about it when there's football again, when there's football again, |
dropout | big_boned_cheerleaders_have_so_much_time_to_talk | I have a lot of spirit today. I know I can tell. I have a lot of spirit today also. I know. I can tell. I admire your spirit. I always have. I admire your spirit.
You make me want to be a better base, and I mean that. Out of any base in the grand history of bases, you're by far the best piece I've ever had in the enjoyment of knowing. If someone were to interview me and ask me the tough question of who has had the most positive influence on my overall well-being, I'd stay without hesitation. It's my trusted partner, Elaine. If I were to go to a concert in the 90s and get a backstage pass in a band to introduce themselves to me as Ace of Base, I would say, No, you're not. The Ace of Base is my best friend, Jessica. You make me want to be the best me, and when I'm the best me, we're the best we. We're the best we.
If I miraculously found a genie in a bottle and was granted one wish and one wish only, I'd wish to be on this very cheer team in its festive school colors. If I had the last coin in the whole world to throw into the last fountain in the whole world, I'd wish for a cure from my dad's Parkinson's.
Just kidding. I'd wish to proudly represent the North Witch Knights in green gold. Nice. Do you want to play basebutter, Mounder? Absolutely. Harry, Ron, Hermione, go. Easy. Hermione, Mounder, Ron, Spotter, and Harry would obviously be the main base since he's the most important. Although may I speak freely? Always.
I would probably make Hermione a flyer, since she strikes me as rather diminutive. Although I don't have a clear sense of her flexibility from the books or movies, which is probably my biggest complaint about the whole franchise.
Hey, can you touch your toes yet? Not yet, you? No, I'm like a T-Rex trying to high-five a field loss. I know.
I have the flexibility of the Austrian border in 1942. Sometimes I lie awake at night, wondering what it feels like to be a flyer, flowing into the ether like a handkerchief. I, too, know the rage and pangs of jealousy, and I realize that without hands would be no handkerchiefs.
That is matching tattoos. You guys, taxi match.
It's our sole job and purpose to stay connected. Well, we're going to look back, Sloppy. I can't take her seriously. |
TheOnion | Should_More_Americans_Get_In_On_The_EZ_Go_Juicer_Craze | I'm Juliana McAnlis filling in for Clifford Banes, who ran someone over in the parking lot about an hour ago.
A new report from the Consumer Institute finds the majority of Americans love fresh squeezed juice. Should more citizens be turning to products like the Easy-Go Juicer to help them live happier lives? Well, the fact is, juice is packed with minerals, vitamins, and antioxidants. A bottle of juice provides a great boost of energy at work or at the gym. It's great tasting and great for you.
But recent videos filmed across the country indicate that most people find making juice at home a pain. Well, I think that's why the Easy-Go Juicer is such an ideal solution. It takes the work out of making your own juice. No, the average consumer does not have the time to learn to use a high-quality juicer. It's just too complicated for them. Oh, actually, Duncan, the Easy-Go Juicer's patented lock-and-fill spout makes it incredibly simple. Slide the specially designed bottle in place, flip the switch, and in seconds, you have a bottle of juice ready to take anywhere.
Would everyone like to try some? Please. Duncan?
You made this delicious juice, Juliana? Well, I had the help of the Easy-Go Juicer. Delicious. Well, it's really great, but it must have taken you five hours to do this.
No, just minutes. Wow. All right, this must cost at least $5,000. Actually, it doesn't. $1,800? $1,200? $1,200. I told you that the Easy-Go Juicer can be yours for four payments of $29.99. Wow. I would say you need to get your facts straight. But it's true. I read that customers who call within the next 24 hours will also receive a high-quality sport and outdoor activity bottle belt, which can securely hold up to four bottles of juice for the most active juice price. That's a $40 value. If I understand correctly, you're saying that if customers act now, they can have all this for four easy payments of $29.99? That's right. Wow. Well, that's an offer that's just too good to pass up.
I can't wait for my Easy-Go Juicer to arrive in just six to eight weeks. |
cracked | the_best_of_soren_rotica | Hi, thanks for watching that video. Please subscribe to our channel I have a little bit of erotic fiction here that I'd like to read you if you subscribe just to give you a little taste Soren pulled his pants down suspenders still on They didn't stay down for long but long enough that she could see his quivering man route pulsating Yeah, that's sick. She said but sick in the good way. Yes, please I said She unbuttoned her blouse and showed me her boobs both of them. She had two nipples like a normal person. I Looked at the breasts and said yes, those are like baseballs, but ones that stick to your face She said I know I know Every muscle every blood vessel has desire and pressure built up in his You know what I'll read this whole thing to you if you subscribe it's a romance novel There's a lot of good stuff in here. I would give you the whole package That's euphemism for a dick Hi there, I've asked you to subscribe before and you have subscribed and in honor of that I want to now give you a gift. I want to read you some of my erotica Row took off his shirt in stables.
His chest was banging. She looked at it and said Raul your chest is banging Next he went for his pants. It was the button-down kind not the fly so it took a little longer than normal She sat and waited nay said the horse We did it guys.
I Got published sore erotica right there on your bookshelf at your local grocery store and airport Obsession untamed look for it. That's me Photoshop the body to make me look a little less strong couldn't fit the entire thing on the cover It's a little bit of my erotica.
I'll give you a lot more if you subscribe to our channel. Thanks for watching the video |
dropout | early_adopters_through_history | Whoa!
Moon Watcher, what's that? This?
Oh, it's my bone. It makes hunting for food way easier. You should get one. I'm good using my hands. No, no. That's what I thought. Now I honestly don't know how I ever lived without a spear.
Dude, it's just a fad. I'm not buying into another fad, man. Bite your tongue. The Abacus is here to stay. You just bought that thing to be cool. To you, this thing's just a fashion statement.
Why don't you just splurge for once? I know you have the money. We just got paid today. Uh, no thanks. I buy it today, tomorrow I get to spend a fortune on a new one. Look, if you don't like it, which I seriously doubt, you can return it, so no excuses. I survived without it this long. Why do I need it now? All I'm saying is that if you buy this thing, it'll be the last thing you'll ever need to buy. Ever.
You know they make these things less than perfect on purpose, right? It's a planned obsolescence, dude.
When you're being so resistant, I know what kind of person you are, and I promise you're the kind of person who needs a hologram. I just learned how to use the cerebral simulator display. Now I need to learn how to use a wisdom ring?
Ugh, trust me. If I'm gonna get a servant gorilla, it's just gonna gather dust. Fair enough. Do me a favor, then. Borrow mine. Just try it. I guarantee you'll be hooked. Ugh, fine. |
dropout | start_up_guys_go_back_to_school | and monetize also for third parties. Now, speaking of third parties, we have two very special speakers here today. I met them briefly while consulting for a small media company.
So please help me welcome Hunter Funke and Brody Branch. All right, how are you doing guys? Hey guys, good to be here.
Wow, can't believe it. Rockin' your Walter, he's a professor now, can't believe it. Can't believe we used to call this guy Red Bullin' Walter because he drank so many RBVs, he passed out at a super Kmart parking lot at Justin Bieber's Underwear Launch Party in North South Carolina. This guy's an animal.
Okay, there's something right there. These guys, they know enough about me already, so let's just, let's get started. John, let's just open it right up. Let's just open it up here with any questions. Does anyone have any questions right off the bat? We don't actually know what you guys do. That was not a question, we're looking for questions. Fair enough. Anyone have one?
How much money you make? That's a really good question, sorry. I actually make 85K here. Hunter makes 83, which is really emasculating for him because we both do the same thing. Even though it's only a 2K or two difference, I try to make up for it, but I'm doing some freelance graphic design work and some bartending.
That's my little secret. Hopefully that's now our little secret.
Let's talk about some important marketing terms. Terms you really should know. Market dynamism. R-O-I. Shrinking Roku, Mobisode exclusive. Advertising ecosystem.
And of course, the big one, BBM. BBM or BBM. That's terrific. Could you guys possibly- Give me an example in contact. Actually getting a BBM from a girl I met last night.
I'm not sure if I should answer it, though, because if I do, then she'll know that I read it and think that I care. And he doesn't care. Well, maybe we can move on with a lesson once you put your personal issues aside.
What, oh, look at this guy cracking up. Front row of the comedy club over here.
What's your name, bro? What's your name, Pat? It's Matt. Matt, okay, Matt.
Why don't you try to hold your laughter for a second, stand up, and pitch us the N-B-T, the next great thing. I don't know about it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Something you need to have in this business is boss, boss. Hunter freaked out when he met Richard, cursed mom at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with his whole family. Absolutely, I did. That's why I'm making 83 and he's making 85. Now stand up. Well, I do have this one idea that uses crowd tracking technology to induce market dynamics for social networking and media platforms for Tumblr.
Wow, that would not work. Yeah, that could not work.
Sit down. Does anyone else have any questions? Hi, what are some challenges you two face in your industry?
Okay, that's great. Brody and I were consulting for a little while for a Joe Cola flavored caffeinated chocolate drink called Galano Water, and we were legally prohibited from drinking anything else for three years, for which we were paid a very small fee. Yeah, it was actually a pretty interesting thing that happened. Most of my teeth actually rotted from the inside out. These are all for news.
I get lightheaded when I urinate. Just the smell of soda makes me nauseous.
Sorry to cut you off there a while. Get another BBM from this stalker check. I'm not sure what to do. Why don't you BBM me her pin, invite her to group chat, and I'll join. Done? What's up, boo?
Full serial bar.
She's back. At trailer park, 11 p.m. Good. And then we won't show up. Brilliant. There you have it. Very challenging industry, so if there's any other questions at this time. You know what, we got a jam. We got a private jet out of here. Taking a Metro North up to a screen of Dark Knight Rises. Swear to me.
Can you believe that? 10 or 15 people? The movie's not even out yet. We're actually not gonna see the movie, per se, but we are gonna sit down with the local community college's multimedia class to talk about potential viral video campaigns for about six hours. Then we're gonna head down on a trailways bus to New York City, take a gypsy tab up to the Galway Hooker where there's an after party sponsored by Kim's Knesshes. You guys know the theme song. Kim's Knesshes.
Delicious. They're delicious.
Actually, Hunter did the advertising for you. Check it out. You guys suck. Thank you guys so much. Well, I think that went crap.
Oh, yeah? Is that a soda? Yep. |
TheOnion | Public_Opinion_On_Net_Neutrality_Fiercely_Divided_Into_One_Side | The US government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute. John Kerry says, To defeat them, I must become them, while putting on a black face mask. And a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring Dad back. Behold the result of over 5 million years of Darwinian news summary evolution. This is the Onion Week in Review. This week, public opinion on the topic of net neutrality remained fiercely divided into one distinct side. The controversial issue, which has polarized Americans across the country into a single camp firmly in favor of broadband providers treating all services using their networks equally, continues to fracture citizens along like-minded lines, leading some to wonder if a simple resolution will ever be reached.
NASA announced the discovery of a mile-wide asteroid this week that could potentially trigger a global level of extinction, forcing upscale fashion retailer Nordstrom out of business. Researchers confirm that the celestial object is traveling at speeds exceeding 29,000 miles per hour, threatening to slam into the planet with more than a million megatons of force, enough to jeopardize operations at all 117 full-line Nordstrom locations. Unless we can find some way to divert or intercept the asteroid, all 7 billion people on Earth, including all 62,500 Nordstrom employees, may die. Even if the asteroid breaks into smaller pieces upon entering into the atmosphere, a death toll as low as several hundred million could still slow foot traffic in stores and reduce online orders from Nordstrom's subsidiary, Hot Look.
According to a firm statement issued by the institution this week, this is the final offer that the Minnesota State Museum is going to make to the owner of the brown couch from the 1970s sitcom, The Mary Tyler Moore Show. We understand the owner has several prospective buyers, but our last counteroffer was extremely attractive, and we hope an agreement can be reached soon because after months of back and forth, we just need a straight answer here. And in this week's sports news, a man watching the World Cup thought he would have seen more bicycle kicks by now. In other news, humanity is surprised it still hasn't figured out an alternative to letting power-hungry assholes decide everything. A new report finds more Americans are putting off having children until their companies are ready, and a magical office worker is able to turn everything he touches into more work for his colleagues. They say justice delayed is justice denied, which is why I've trained myself to mete out punishment to enemies of this news summary without waiting for the blessing of the justice system. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | hiv_commercial_snl | All right, let's try to get this next shot in before lunch. I threw my breakfast at my assistant, so I'm starving.
Yep, mm-hmm, yeah. Okay, places. Devato Commercial, club scene, Take one.
Action! Living with Hiv, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. most Hiv pills have so many medicines, but Devato has less, and it's just as effective. that's why I switched to Devato Hiv treatment. I ain't gay, though. Cut!
Okay, that was a good first run, guys. uh, Tommy, maybe a little better dancing up top. Yeah, got it. I can do a little more. not really more, just better. um, perfect, Mario. And, uh, Jamal. uh, Buddy, I feel like you maybe ad-libbed a little there at the end. Yeah, I don't think I did that, No. no, definitely. Okay. um, the line is, that's why I switched to Devato Hiv treatment, then full stop. Yep. got it. Okay. yep. yep. okay, let's go again.
From the top. And action!
Living with Hiv, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. most Hiv pills have so many medicines, but Devato has less, and it's just as effective. that's why I switched to Devato Hiv treatment. Fact, you can get Hiv from a girl. that's how I did it. again, again, wow. um. did I mess up the dancing? yeah, it was. it was worse this time. um, once again, Mario, perfection.
And Jamal. Yeah. Buddy, uh, you know what I'm gonna say.
I messed up the dancing. no. um, you ad-libbed again. are you comfortable with this script? No, I'm not at all. mm-mm. Okay. uh, what's the problem? I just feel like it's not clear that my character's a street, uh, respectfully. Okay. well, he's not. Um, this scene takes place at a gay club. Oh, word. okay. yeah? is that gonna be a problem for you? Nope. not at all. I just ain't, no doubt. uh, great. because I'd really love to get this scene wrapped before, uh, my salad gets cold. um, it's a hot salad, okay?
All right, go on again. And action!
Living with Hiv, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.
Yo, dude, I think this is a gay club! What? I mean, you know, you know, I'm cool with that. I just ain't know that. Okay. mm-hmm. fat. there'd be mad, straight girls at the gay clubs, and they'd be ready, and that's where I come in. can somebody please yell, Cut?
Cut! Cut! sorry.
I took a quick bite of my hot salad, and it burned the roof of my mouth. How'd I do? Um, it was the worst thing I've ever seen, besides Tommy's dancing. I'm trying!
I just feel like since I'm straight, my guy should be straight, too. you know what I'm saying? dude, it's just acting, bro. like, I'm not actually gay, either. Okay, cap. okay. Jamal, if you're uncomfortable, we could just give your lines to Mario.
Okay, do I still get paid the same? No, you don't get paid. you just go home.
Oh, but I really need this joke. Okay, then say the lines. Okay, what if my guy got Hiv from basketball, like Magic Johnson? No. no, look, look. I appreciate you coming down, but clearly you're not mature enough to handle this role, Jamal. yeah, that's a fact. So why don't you and Tommy just leave, please?
All right. wait, what? me? I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. most Hiv pills have so many medicines, but Devato has less, and it's just as effective. that's why I switched to Devato Hiv treatment. I ain't gay, though.
Cut! Okay, that was a good first run, guys. uh, Tommy, maybe a little better dancing up top. Yeah, got it. I can do a little more. not really more, just better. um, perfect, Mario. And, uh, Jamal. uh, buddy, I feel like you maybe ad-libbed a little there at the end. no, I don't think I did that. No. no, definitely. okay. um, the line is, that's why I switched to do Devato Hiv treatment, then full stop. Yep. got it. Okay. all right. good? Yep. okay, let's go again.
From the top. And action!
Living with Hiv, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. most Hiv pills have so many medicines, but Devato has less, and it's just as effective. that's why I switched to Devato Hiv treatment. Fact, you can get Hiv from a girl. that's how I did it.
Again, wow. um. did I mess up the dancing? Yeah. it was. it was worse this time. Um, once again, Mario, perfection. And Jamal. yeah. buddy, uh, you know what I'm gonna say. I messed up the dancing. no. um, you ad-libbed again. are you comfortable with this script?
No, I'm not at all. Mm-mm. okay. uh, what's the problem? I just feel like it's not clear that my character's a street, uh, respectfully. Okay. well, he's not. um, this scene takes place at a gay club. Oh, word. okay. yeah? is that gonna be a problem for you? Nope. not at all. I just ain't.
No doubt. uh, great. because I'd really love to get this scene wrapped before, uh, my salad gets cold. um, it's a hot salad. Okay? all right. go on again. And action!
Living with Hiv, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.
Yo, dude, I think this is a gay club. What? I mean, you know, you know, I'm cool with that. I just ain't know that.
Okay. mm-hmm. fat. there'd be mad, straight girls at the gay clubs, and they'd be ready, and that's where I come in. can somebody please yell, Cut? Cut! Cut! sorry. sorry, I took a quick bite of my hot salad, and it burned the roof of my mouth.
How'd I do? Um, it was the worst thing I've ever seen, besides Tommy's dancing. I'm trying!
I just feel like since I'm straight, my guy should be straight, too. you know what I'm saying? dude, it's just acting, bro. like, I'm not actually gay either. Okay, Cap. Jamal, if you're uncomfortable, um, we could just give your lines to Mario.
Okay, do I still get paid the same? No, you don't get paid. you just go home.
But I really need this joke. Okay, then say the lines. Okay, what if my guy got Hiv from basketball, like Magic Johnson? No. no, look, look, I appreciate you coming down, but clearly you're not mature enough to handle this role, Jamal. yeah, that's a fact.
So, why don't you and Tommy just leave? Please. wait, what? me? |
cracked | world_s_most_obnoxious_coworker | Hey, Chris, did you see that video I sent you? It's so funny, you have to watch it. It's this crazy farting cat. It's hilarious. I'm watching it again. It's so funny.
Oh my God, Chris, I forgot. How is your wife? She's still in a coma? I'm sorry. Why didn't you remind me? I feel like such a jerk I was going on about this stupid video and your wife is in a coma.
God, it's so weird. It's like something out of a TV show. Oh, that just gives me the willies.
Do you want to talk about it? Okay. Sorry.
You know, do you think you could be cheered up? Because I think this video would cheer you up. They say laughter's the best medicine.
Do they give you medicine when you're in a coma? I guess so, right? That's what all those tubes and stuff are? Or is that just like food? I bet it would help to laugh. I think you need this more than me. We're named Asper.
Hey, John. Hello?
Did you get my email? Did you watch it?
I know, it's, yeah, it's so sad. Yeah, it's like something out of a TV show. I think it's something with medication reactions. What? I can't believe you said that, John. That's terrible. Oh my God. Don't think they let you do that in the hospital. I guess you can't say no, though, right? And she's probably pretty relaxed back there. Seriously, it's really sad.
Okay, I have to go. Yeah, I will. I'll let you know. Did you hear that?
I'm sorry, John is such an asshole. This must be really hard for you.
I get it, though. I get it.
My brother has testicular cancer. They found out because they were trying to have a baby and it just wasn't happening. I don't think he even found any lumps or anything, but I didn't want to ask him about that. I'm not sure what they're gonna do because chemo can be hard to take.
So I have to figure out if it's worth it. Do you like this monkey? Can I borrow this back? Oh, okay. Thanks. Ha, best medicine. I should send this to my brother. |
dropout | all_nighter_alphabetical_sketch | College Hebrews is all-nighter! Adam. An assignment. All afternoon, author an amusing act. Arranged alphabetically. After achievement, all actors are awarded an Apple Airport.
Bugger. Big bosses burden beggar's belief. Correct. Consistent consonants cause crap comedy. Dudes.
Dared Daniel. Display dangling dandek. Dared. Double dog dared.
Emily. Embarrassing. Fine. Forget flaccid Friday. Fuckface.
Juicy, jiggling, jubblies. Jack and Junction. Krispy Kreme. Lunch! Love-licking lemony logs.
Mamma Mia! My Marky Mark movies!
Nerd. Okay. Official office. Office. Ooh, office.
Proclamation? Quiet, Quinn. Quick question. Queen? Queven qualifies. Really? Read regularly?
That looks so strenuous. Trouble team! Tough times threatening. Take thesaurus terminology to ten.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, unclean underwear undulating underwater. Virgin vacuum vehemently vibrating. Very voluptuous. What were we wearing when we went wailing Wednesday?
Xylophones? Yo, you yuts! Yonder yarn yields yuck yucks yet!
Zounds! Zany Zippy-zingers. Zap!
One!
Two to loo! Hey, everybody. If you liked that video, just click right on me to subscribe.
Clicky, clicky, clicky, clicky. Not clicking. Sorry. Just don't do it. Just click. Don't do it. Don't click me. Don't click me anymore, please. |
cracked | disturbing_things_personal_trainers_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | Hi, your personal trainer is full of s**t. Look, I got myself certified through the NASM, but plenty of trainers show up with just a multiple choice online test and some inflated muscles and land the job. Trendier gyms inevitably hire sexier staff, like they're casting a sweaty soap opera or a mud wrestling tournament. As my manager always says, we have to be what the client wants us to be.
If this an older woman be like a son to a young single girl, treat her like her boyfriend would. If this a gay guy, flirt with him. And female trainers? If you see a guy, give him a really tough workout then drag his substantial buttocks to the massage table to finish him off. Massage his legs and when you're doing the hamstring, lean over, expose your cleavage and say, I'd like for you to be my client.
What kind of package can I put you down for? The bigger, the better.
This is a common misconception. Trainers aren't hired to train, we're hired to sell. In our lobby is a list of trainers ranked by level. Higher level trainers cost more and customers assume level means experience or qualifications or at least bench numbers. But nope, they're pure sales numbers.
Beyond tricking the flabby masses into memberships they'll never use, we're supposed to sign clients up for personal sessions. An hour might cost upward of a hundred dollars, more than a whole month of gym membership. And the bulk of that goes to the gym by the way, not to me. And our managers are always very helpful with new lines to use on potential clients.
The reason so many people died in the Twin Towers was because they weren't fit enough to escape. Poor bastards. That line was honestly shockingly effective.
Unlike, well, basically anything fitness related we recommend. Here's a list of every subject a qualified trainer can competently speak on. We are not experts on anything else. And yet in every gym, some trainer will give you unqualified, actively harmful advice.
Tell your doctor you have asthma and have him prescribe you out of there. That'll help your cardio. Oh, your wedding is today? We got to get you in a sauna suit and put you on the treadmill.
Back pain? Well, you need our core exercises. Those core exercises made the guys pain worse by the way.
We narrowly dodged a lawsuit on that one, but thankfully nobody knows much about fitness. It's a new science and it's really hard to study.
When you bench, touch your chest with the bar for full extension. That messes up your shoulder joints. And during your lat pull down, get that bar behind your neck. That also messes up the shoulders. Bicycle crutches, supercharge abs. And rub your spine raw. Do leg extensions. Those ruin the knees. Then why do we have a leg extension machine? Because every gym does.
But they shouldn't. Oh, and speaking of destroying people's bodies. You've probably heard that steroid syringes get secretly passed around from butt to butt in the locker room. But these days it's a lot more sophisticated than that.
So, go to Stu's anti-aging clinic. Tell him your pubes are falling out. No energy, you're sad. He'll run tests and diagnose you with low T. But I don't actually have any of those symptoms. What I do have is tons of pubes. Doesn't matter. The doc knows how this works. Your only real symptom is wanting to get swole. And this is how you'll do it. With some legal testosterone. You're also gonna get yourself raisin testicles, acquired hair loss disorder, sea cups, spaghetti dick.
Oh, and that reminds me. I'm proud of the number of clients I've bedded. Because that number is zero. But that's not for clients lack of trying.
It's like how patients fall in love with their psychiatrist. Except the shrink also keeps doing squats in tiny gym shorts.
I did a home session once with a woman who suggested me exercise in the nude. Though I advised her not to. I had a male client invite me to a threesome with his wife. I had to tell him that's not what we mean by a partner membership. So, I heard you guys give glute massages. I'm not trained in massage.
Okay, but tell me, have you ever been with a man? You know, been with a man?
Because I am very well trained in- Oh, what's that? Somebody dropped a free weight on their brain. Sorry, you gotta go. But I'm unusual.
A willing trainer can easily get with client after client. One time we had two women clumsily wrestling on the gym floor because they figured out they were both hooking up with the same trainer. We ended up canceling both their memberships. Kept the trainer though. Guy's sales stats were through the roof. Oh, and this isn't really the trainer's fault.
But at the place I work now, the steam room is pretty regularly stained with a fluid that is not sweat. It comes from guys working off some steam pre-workout because it supposedly drops your blood pressure and relaxes you. Here's a pro tip. Never go barefoot in a steam room.
But all this sticky weirdness is worth it if you get healthier and look more the rocker, right? Right, well, I'm not gonna say no one obese loses weight. I've worked with people who have changed their bodies in phenomenal ways.
But it takes way more time and effort than you'd ever think. The exercise never gets easier either. It just gets harder.
Also, after your first month, you're never gonna have another month with that much progress. Ditto your first six months or your first year.
I try not to set unrealistic expectations. I try to give clients a plan they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told clients, follow our reasonable plan and you'll look better and be healthier, then you would have otherwise, after several years, well, the whole industry would die.
What? Come on, man. Push that body. Let's do some jumping jacks. One, two, you're not jumping. Three, four, it kind of smells like you evacuated your bowels, that's good. Keeps you alive. Five, six, are you listening to me? Jump, man, jump.
Hey, but tell me, have you ever been with a man? You know, been with a man?
Because I am very well trained. Oh, what's that? Somebody dropped a free weight on their brain. Sorry, you gotta go. But I'm unusual.
A willing trainer can easily get with client after client. One time we had two women clumsily wrestling on the gym floor because they figured out they were both hooking up with the same trainer. We ended up canceling both their memberships. Kept the trainer though.
Guy's sales stats were through the roof. Oh, and this isn't really the trainer's fault, but at the place I work now, the steam room is pretty regularly stained with a fluid that is not sweat. It comes from guys working off some steam pre-workout because it supposedly drops your blood pressure and relaxes you. Here's a pro tip. Never go barefoot in a steam room, but all this sticky weirdness is worth it if you get healthier and look more the rocker, right?
Right, well, I'm not gonna say no one obese loses weight. I've worked with people who have changed their bodies in phenomenal ways, but it takes way more time and effort than you'd ever think. The exercise never gets easier either. It just gets harder. Also, after your first month, you're never gonna have another month with that much progress.
Ditto your first six months or your first year. I try not to set unrealistic expectations. I try to give clients a plan they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told clients, follow our reasonable plan and you'll look better and be healthier, then you would have otherwise, after several years, well, the whole industry would die.
What? Come on, man. Push that body. Let's do some jumping jacks. One, two, you're not jumping. Three, four, it kind of smells like you evacuated your bowels, that's good. Keeps you alive. Five, six, are you listening to me? Jump, man, jump! |
TheOnion | Burrito_a_la_Jim_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_3 | I'm at La Playita in Wilmington, North Carolina and I'm about to chow down on one full pound of the best pork burrito of my life and this time I'm not just eating the pork, I'm gonna make it. This is a kitchen takeover, let's pork! I'm Jim Haggerty, you know me as the host of Today Now, but I've also eaten in a ton of restaurants. Now I'm heading out on the road. My mission, find the best pork our country has to offer and I won't stop until I hit all 50 states. This is Jim Haggerty, porkin' across America. Wilmington may be known for its beaches, but at La Playita it's all about the carnitas burrito.
I can't wait to learn how they make the magic happen. Look, I sent you a phone picture of my signature, that ought to be enough. Hold on, could be my wife, hold on. Hi, this is Sunshine Parking with a final warning that you need to move your Lexus out of the parking structure on 2012 West Superior Street. What's this? This is the first I'm hearing of this. The structure is scheduled for implosion tomorrow, your car will be destroyed if it's not moved by the morning. Look, I'm filming my TV show here in North Carolina, there's no possible way I can get there. I mean, can you speak to somebody about maybe extending it? I have money. Sir, I do not live in Chicago, this is a calling service, I cannot help. Well, they're telling me that my car is parked in a parking lot that's about to be destroyed, but I'm sure I can get one of my friends to move it for me, so let's get some pork.
Hey, Robbo, it's Jim, I'm just calling to catch up with you, buddy, but I also need to ask you a favor, so could you call me back ASAP, please, thanks. Hey, how you doing? Give me one second. All right. We are here with Alfonso Reyes, who is the owner and head chef here at La Playita. Alfonso, I hope you're ready for me to take over the kitchen. Yes, I am looking forward to seeing how you're doing. Okay, excuse me just one second.
Look, just go to Deb's office and ask her for the key, she can't turn you down in person. I don't want to take sides, Jim. You're not taking sides, you're just helping out a friend. I don't want to.
Uh-huh. Well, there you have it. Sorry, I thought I felt my phone vibrate. Oh, there it goes. I can't move your car, Jim.
I live in San Diego now. Maybe if you stayed in touch, you'd know that. Oh, San Diego, wow. Okay, well, do you know anybody you could recommend?
Hello? Can I move your car? Why don't you send me a check for my flooded apartment first, then we'll talk. Come on, Dale, can we just put that aside for a minute? I mean, this is my car we're talking about. Jim, your phone calls are affecting the show.
Fine, fine. I can take care of this myself. Where's that PA I like? You, you. Guys, I know you were racking those cords real nicely before. I got a special project for you, okay? It's very simple. I need you to move my car tonight. Very important. Do whatever you have to do, plane, train, whatever. Here's $1,000 and here are all my keys. Done. Okay. There, you happy?
This is going to sound weird, but do you have any pig's blood hanging around? I mean, even in a bucket or something? I don't think so. Have you ever tried pig's blood? I didn't think I liked it, but, man, I've been craving it like crack.
The cooks were such maestros of the burrito, I almost asked to see their immigration papers. And after the pork is cooked in lard, it's taken out of the pot, but we're not ready to eat it yet. I'm with my man Rodrigo, who's going to help me chop up the pork.
Ein wessels. Wessels.
Yes, sir. Yes.
No, no, no, no, no. Hey, what the hell? Can we get somebody to get him out of here? All right. Now you put on the gunk and you roll. Could maybe one of you guys roll this up for me the way you do? All right.
Cooking is tough. Can't wait to dig in. Mmm, mmm, mmm, la paitas famous carnitas burrito, except this one is a la gym. Mmm, mmm, mmm, nothing like pork to take the edge off a stressful day. Mmm, tastes good, but I'm getting a little sick of, what is that, sauce? Bones don't soften up in the burrito like I assumed they would, so we got a bit sidelined while they fixed me up. Mr. Haggerty, the animal bone sheared a hole through your hard palate.
We patched it with a graft from a swine palate which was more affordable for an uninsured patient like yourself. I have insurance. You had insurance. It seems you're no longer on your wife's policy, but you can check with billing about that. She took me off the policy?
Well, you know, I can pay with cash. Uh, sir, you'll receive a billing statement in the mail. Excuse me. Uh, 35 voicemails wishing me a speedy recovery. Mr. Haggerty, this call is to inform you that your car has been destroyed.
What happened to that PA? He was a local hire. No one knows him.
Making my own burrito really gave me a new perspective on the craftsmanship and care that goes into every pork I eat. My new porcine palate feels nice and smooth in my mouth, so tune in next week to see me take it for a pork on pork test drive. Porky on the flip side.
What is the biggest rock?
I'm not telling you anything. Every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_kathie_lee_tom_hanks_sean_connery_burt_reynolds_snl | I'd like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We've got a real barn burner on our hands in the lead. we have Kathy Lee Gifford, a first-time player. Hey, you you plaque all in a play A G G. what's that mean Grandpa? that what she stands for Frank You got a new nickname. it's G and you have negative twenty Two thousand, Four Hundred dollars In second place with negative forty Six thousand Seven Hundred dollars is Tom Hanks. I am a flow starter, Alex, but I think that you'll find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.
Well, you've You've managed to cast away quite a number of points. I'm sorry. what's that? Oh? I'm sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie Cast Away. I don't know what that is. The movie you were in Cast Away. Oh, haha.
I still don't understand. Fine and by the way, Tom, that is a pen, not a microphone. In last place with negative $69 Oh Brother Sean Connery I negative Sixty Nine Dollars, Okay, that wasn't your score. Well, Sixty Nine is how I scored with your mother last night. Let's just move on to the category for Double Jeopardy. they are potent potables sounds that kiddies make twinkle, twinkle little blank Catch these men. every answer is a person on the Fbi is Most Wanted list, so let's just forget that category. I'm not pretty sure that that would not turn out. Well. I turned out: your mother last night. I'm ignoring you. it's a prison term. it means I've got her working as a prostitute in my employ.
My mother is infirm. she uses a walker. she is a walker. A street walker. Moving on states that end in Hampshire what color is green and current Black Kathy Lee.
Let's start with you potent potables. I'm sorry. I don't know what that is. it's about alcohol in that case. I'll take potent potables for how much. How about a glass full, right?
Come on. Hand it over to you, bark. let's go. We don't have wine. Okay. that's okay. I brought my own. Great fine, Okay, Tom. let's just go with you. Well, where are we going? No Nowhere. nowhere.
Pick a category? I'll take 600 in what category. The Video Daily double. I had such high hopes for you.
No, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What is South? No, no, Kathy Lee. Hampshire England No, no, that's that's not in the United States. Sorry got my place.
I can I have some more? No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category? I'll take Catch the semen for 800. It's not catch the semen. Is that what? The moustaches fall trabec.
Oh Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category And he has his hand caught in a pickle jar? It's on my hand. Where did you get that pickle jar? I wanted a pickle. Tom Tom let go of it. Let no, not the jar. let's let's go of the pickle, But I but I want to pick.
We can't keep playing. If you don't let go of the pickle, that's what your mother said last night. Take that you full trune. Moving on, Kathy Lee, you have the board. We watch the show.
Yes, it's actually quite popular and Tom Hanks is caught in a dry cleaning bag. No, no One can help Tom Hanks.
What's going on here? All right, let's just move on. Burt Reynolds, Burt Reynolds, where did you come from? I've been here the whole time. No, you haven't sure have from before.
I'll take a give me a famous Chinaman for doing. there is no Chinaman category and there would never be anything that offensive. Who is Pat Morita? Pat Morita was Japanese, not Chinese. Who is Can't find his chin home?
Good Lord. let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. the category is nonsense words. Just write a random series of letters. Any letters, as long as it's not a word, you will win.
And as I am reasonably certain, let's see what rare gems our contestants have mine today. Kathy Lee, let's see your nonsense word. who to cut be? That's not a nonsense word. Yeah, that's your co-host on the Today show. Coffee. Believe me. that's nonsense. where's the vowel? And your wager? You wager that you'll be your darn tootin' partner, I am not a cowboy.
All right, Tom Hanks you. You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welts there. Let's see what you wrote and you broke your pony. You see. what happened was okay.
Again, that's a pen That's not a microphone. It's not a microphone. but Reynolds. Where is Bert Reynolds? What Bert Reynolds put it, Just vanished. Never hear her back.
Yes, he was. No, he wasn't Yes, he was.
But let's just see what you wrote: Hi Wow, That is a nonsense word. Judges. Yes. Yes, the judges agree.
Fantastic. I'm I'm so very happy in this moment. Well, I thought you could use it. Friend Thank you Thank you, Sean. you're welcome Alex. Let's see what my friend Sean wagered. If I'm looking at that correctly, that is you. I take it defecating on my grave.
It was right after I had sex with your mother. Turn back. Okay, that's it. Shows over. Good night. |
cracked | what_your_doctor_wants_to_tell_you_but_can_t_from_a_medical_physician | Hi, I'm Bob. I'm someone's doctor and because statistically most of you watching this are as dumb as my patients I'm going to guess you do a lot of the same stuff. So as a favor to all your doctors I'd like to point out a few things Way way too many of you are putting things in your butt that are not made to be inside butts and medical shorthand We call these cases insertions Once upon a time a man had the brilliant idea of soldering a surprisingly large dildo to a metal bar I assumed this was so he could grab on to it and you know Plumb around while it was inserted It was a noble attempt, I guess but for some reason the handle didn't work He got the dildo stuck inside himself and all his ingenuity and craftsmanship couldn't get it back out again He couldn't sit down to drive didn't want to call an ambulance and pay a thousand dollars like some sort of impaled Rockefeller So he put on the baggiest pair of pants He owned and took a walk of shame all the way to the hospital Once he was here. Well, we have tools for this sort of situation terrible unspeakable tools I think he actually found that part exciting though. So that story has at least half a happy ending If you're watching this you're probably not a doctor There aren't all that many of us and we understand that the rest of you have important things to deal with To help you out the good people who make medicine include instructions on all their products But if you don't read those instructions Well things can go wrong one particular case comes to mind a couple had been in earlier that day to get help for the Wife's constipation their doctor gave her a box with two enemas For those of you who are lucky enough to not know an enema is a little bottle of fluid with an uncomfortably long spout This poor hopefully illiterate woman took one look at the spout and knew exactly what it was for drinking But that's not why she came into the ER No She only saw us because she hadn't been able to force herself to drink the second bottle and she wanted to make sure that just taking One was okay.
I asked did these come in a box? And are there any instructions with pictures on the side of the box? So, uh, is it a problem?
She drank the enema I called poison control and because I'm a good human being I didn't tell them the call took 20 minutes because the poison control office Couldn't stop laughing on the upside the enema still worked The woman just suffered horrible love crafty and abdominal cramps and that wasn't even a bad call At least the lady had a legitimate issue. Please call poison control even if your problem is hilarious For every hour a doctor spends actually seeing patients. We've got to spend around two hours charting Documenting everything we did for insurance companies and the government It's roughly as rewarding as making passionate love to a pile of sawdust And when we actually do get to see patients a lot of them are this guy Americans consume roughly 80% of the global opiate supply. I'm not exaggerating for comedic effect We are taking all the drugs and most of us don't need them So a big part of my job is saying no to people with back pain Now it can be hard to tell when someone's lying about pain And back pain is a real nightmare But I've heard way too many 40 year old men say I'm allergic to Motrin in Tylenol I can only take Percocet Once I turned a patient down for painkillers on the grounds that not a damn thing was wrong with her She started yelling to the holy are that she and her kids were going to wind up sleeping on the street because I wouldn't hand Her a prescription. It turns out she'd been selling her pills. She needed them for rent money You can't get angry as a doctor You've got to stay professional move on to the next patient and if you aren't careful that can kind of break you See the most important thing you should know about your doctor is that he might be living a life of unspeakable despair So there's a particularly horrible brain tumor called a pontine glioma It grows in the brainstem the part of your brain that knows how to keep your body alive and it tends to strike children Initially the child has minor symptoms double vision trouble swallowing Maybe some weakness then the tumor mercilessly and inexorably kills them and there's not a goddamn thing I or anyone else can do about it And after dealing with that I have to go to my adult spine clinic and immediately deal with the guy with a nearly invisible Disc herniation who's demanding narcotics and a disability statement And then I go home and chart for several hours until I get to sleep You got some of that morphine It would actually be great if the main side effect of all this frustration and stress was whimsical cartoon violence Unfortunately, it's lots of suicide male physicians are three times as likely to kill themselves as the general population Female physicians are four to five times as likely to commit suicide every year the US loses the equivalent of one full medical school graduating class to suicide all this as we're looking at a projected shortfall of 90,000 doctors by 2025 only three point nine percent of medical school students are depressed But one year after they start their internship and actually work as a doctor that number jumps to twenty five point seven percent And you can all do a little bit to help with this crisis take better care of your butts Read the directions on your medicine and don't go to the doctor when you want to get high.
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TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_141_Brooke_Boney | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batutah out of the budgie smuggler studios in the old city district and we are blessed this week once again joined by, well it's the second time we've had this guest on isn't it Errol?
Yep. A lot's changed in her life since, since she came on last, there's a Christmas special we are joined by Big Money Bones. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas indeed.
Thank you for joining us, you were actually, when you first came on you there was like a hot streak where it was mostly like Aboriginal women on the Batutah Advocate podcast for about six episodes in a row and Nakia Louie, we had you, we had, I don't know, we had actually, and all the boys as well, the monster Briggs and it's been a big week for Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander people with the Dreamtime Awards coming off the back of NAIDOC. How was that, your mother went? So my mum went for me, I was nominated for media person of the year, she went last year for me as well and I won and she had to get off and do this speech and it was so sweet so she gets up and like I helped her write her speech, I think I was in Korea or something and she was like, oh she's just such a good girl and I think she loved getting the attention and accolades so much that she was like, oh you're nominated again, oh I'll go, I'll go, because I couldn't make it unfortunately and she just loves it, she just laps up the attention, she spent like half the day getting ready, like weeks planning her outfit. Leonie Bonie loves an award ceremony. Leonie Bonie, are you the first in your family to be involved in media, so would she be kind of, she'd be the second person to speak at an award show in the Bonie family? Yeah she probably would be, I'm trying to think, I mean you know there's all of these like different sort of graduation ceremonies and things like that that my cousins would have sort of been to over the years but yeah probably on a like a platform that big. Star Cosino. Oh she'd love it and she's been on the Today Show a couple of times this year actually. She loves a bit of the limelight, my mum. So you've come from Musselbrook originally, we spoke about this last podcast and actually your career at that point you were a news reader on Triple J. A lot's changed since then, I think I guess that journey from Musselbrook to Triple J kind of felt quite small in terms of transition to Triple J to Breakfast Television, first black woman on Breakfast TV. Yeah it's been a big couple of years, when was it, that would have been three years ago. I think that was in turn 7A. Wow, yeah so I've been on the Today Show for two years now, this is you know my last week before I go on a little bit of a break, have some sleep-ins, yeah I feel like when I took the job or when they offered me the job I knew that my life was going to change but I didn't know how, you know everyone sort of had heard of like Karl Stefanovic and Ostephenovich if you will, or Lisa Wilkinson or you know Sylvia Jeffries, they're these huge big household names and it was really really weird to go from being part of that sort of niche Triple J community to being on this show that, so everyone cares about it, everyone has an opinion about the Today Show, you can walk past someone on the street and they'll tell you something like oh this is what I think of this thing that you did the other day or this is what I think of this host or whatever and it's so weird to have so many people care about what you do. Well yeah because the Today Show even in the past two years has changed so much compared to you know the first year that you were on there, what's been the big difference for you, like how's it been with Karl back in the hot seat? Do you know it's so funny because at the start of the year if you would have said to me at you know by the end of the year you're just going to love this guy I'd be like yeah right you know like we're so different in so many ways but he is my biggest supporter so like all of the big editorials that I've done this year whether it's on you know Netflix or you know Black Lives Matter or Deaths in Custody or whatever he's the one who always pushes me forward and he's like Brookie what do you think of this and then he'll he'll say go and write something and then you know we'll talk about it on air and then he'll come in and you know give me a big pump up before I go and he's like look down the barrel of the camera you know we'll back you in we're a family remember that you know whatever happens to you happens to all of us and gives me a big pump up before I go out and say it because it takes a lot of courage to do something like that because you know that people are going to disagree with you and that sometimes when people disagree with you they can be really mean yeah sometimes it turns into a mild disagreement turns into death threats yeah rather quickly I'm like that people get so enraged about stuff I just that's one thing that this year I've just been shaking my damn head about before that it was just triple j you'd get people to tell you how shit the music was getting on triple j yeah you know you get like a guy who's approaching 40 who'd say triple j's gone to shit that's the only opinion you the hosts are as good as they used to be bring back Adam and Will bring back Miff you'd get a little bit of that but nowadays you've got social issues that people are coming to you with and the opinions are probably a bit more raw and a bit more unapologetic and an older audience too I'd say yeah the audience does skew older and I think as well like it's broadcast right so you're talking to like a whole spectrum of people with like different beliefs and so to like you know to bring people on this journey with you or to have conversations about things you know to do with the way that we think of ourselves as a country it's so much more difficult when you're talking to a lot like a big big audience with you know a broad church as Tony Abbott would say not an echo chamber not an echo chamber because triple j a little bit we you know we're talking to people who are part of our community who think like us who is you know speak like us have the same interests and so it's not as difficult as you know convincing Beryl from I don't know Gosford or wherever that yeah or Delilah from Mullumbimby Delilah from Mullumbimby bless her or Tony from Toorak yeah Tony from Toorak yeah we've got them all actually do you know one of them when I was in triple j and one of the trolls but it happened a couple of times but this one guy and he was like she doesn't sound like she's from Musselbrook she sounds like she's from Toorak or Point Piper that's media training Kev yeah yeah they taught me how to talk on air and it's slander say that again you'll be hearing from my lawyers son what's that song who's it by is it Black Eyed Peas Glamorous yeah I thought you were gonna say where is the love where is the love so that you kind of living to Black Eyed Peas songs in the sense yeah there is like you know had you been on a business class seat prior to the Today show I had not actually no so you're experiencing the finer things as well with a career in media not have you still got a heck step after working on the Today show I didn't have a heck step before I started at Triple J so you went to uni in the 70s I went to uni in the 70s as you know Black don't crack I use olive oil on my skin like Jennifer Lopez no I paid it off yeah perfect you got up yeah what about that feeling though when you do get like the zero balance and you're like well look you know in our era of journalism those cadetships we got paid to study journalism in in free beer open bars Russians you say but you're one of the first kind of to come through is a journalism had been professionalized yeah have you found that and you and obviously sitting to take us back there we might have spoken about this a little bit last podcast but when he was sitting and looking across that room at UTS at UTS the uai to get in is really high to their journalism course because it's really popular because they have like a really good relationship with the broadcasters and so get good internships and cadetship access and stuff and so the uai to get in is like ridiculously high I think was like 97 or 98 or something and so a lot of the people who were in the course that I was in I think was communications majoring in journalism they were from like the really wealthy private schools in Sydney because they're the ones who yeah tutoring like really targeted courses you know focused on what they want to get those schools even if you are like a mediocre person it drags you up it drags you up yeah but it's amazing because even though it drags you up the number of people who sat there in that class and said I want to be a host on getaway like yeah your parents might be educated but they still didn't teach you to choose a good job did they yeah and migrant kids that are getting those kind of scores aren't fucking around with journalism um no they're gonna get some of that cash money they're not messing around trying to get a cadetship at the abc law medicine baby yeah yeah I'm gonna be a barrister anesthetist I'm gonna do a double degree cash checks anesthetist barrister well did you flag that I mean obviously the media landscapes changed a lot even since you began your career did you flag that at uni you're like not a varying kind of degree of experiences in this room yeah definitely you know in those conversations around like Canton for Co and stuff you know you're always like coming up with like interesting things to talk about and two things to say but it wasn't as much of a conversation than as it is now yeah and I think that we didn't really have like names for things or like labels for stuff like we do now like if you walked into that class you like oh there's no diversity you guys need to work harder to get people from these communities in but even like in media in the last ten years it's changed so much like for for people to be responding to reports around like lack of diversity or whatever with you know you know talking about no actually this is the programming that we've got these are the hosts that we've got and like actually you know pushing to be better and do better is a world away from from what you experienced going through at yeah at the beginning I remember I had this one lady say to me there was me and this other girl who was Aboriginal as well she was like single mother of three kids put herself through uni ended up getting an ABC cadetship as well she's a black girl and she said to her something like no one's ever going to employ you've got three little kids she's won like three walkways now yeah right and she would say stuff to me like you know nobody expects very much from you because you're Aboriginal so you don't have to try that hard to wow them yeah they're gonna be wowed yeah yeah they're gonna think you're from Point Piper with those rounded vowels as well as you know the work ethic of a well you came through curry radio as well speaking of lack of diversity in the newsroom just about the same as the ABC I think except the other way around and there's a there's a lot of careers get launched there oh so a lot of people working quite hard to cut their teeth but also like you're reporting to an audience that actually holds you accountable which I think is important because sometimes like I think journalists get a bit detached from their communities or like they sort of think about the story more than they think about the impact of stuff yeah and you have to be able to sort of like weigh up both you know journalism doesn't exist in a vacuum where you just say whatever or do whatever and expect there not to be any consequences or impact on the community that you're reporting on like it's really really important and that someone will ring you while you're on air and be like that was wrong or like you need to do better on this or can you play well blow it at your ass okay can you play anthem by um the tidders yeah yeah like that sort of it's amazing it's a great place to cut my teeth and speaking of curry radio and just you know Aboriginal radio in general it's a very sad day yesterday charlie pride the late uh singer died 86 years old American country music singer died 86 years old of coronavirus and can you just for our listeners who might not be aware we covered it in a bit too directly diligently but charlie pride through through you know radio stations like queer radio Murray radio boomerang radio he is an icon in the community he's an absolute icon but I think it's because he looks like a black fella like he looks like he could be curry or Murray and everyone grew up listening to him like you know that would be your Friday nights or your Saturday mornings or long car trips or like for me it's my grandparents that used to listen to charlie pride my nan loved him and I think she loved him because he looks a lot like my grandfather like a lot like my grandfather so everyone's like oh yeah charlie pride's my uncle or like charlie pride's my dad I think I saw a meme once that was like every aboriginal child born in the 70s and 80s who doesn't know who their dad is says that their dad is charlie pride because it was photos of him Briggs put that up last night in tribute saying there was a photo of uncle charlie on the fridge the first 10 years of my life I thought he was an uncle that you know wasn't in town yeah yeah yeah we'll find out about juliani yet yeah juliani's got to be in worse nick than uncle charlie pride was that's for sure I forgot about that how is he going do you know oh we don't know they they don't give us any reports he's probably getting the same super injection dexamethasone yeah and cash I can't wait for that euphoria imagine what he's going to be like on it we need claudia conway to tell us what's really going on yeah so can you tell us that you've got the wire right as a as a proper journalist in in the big smoke trump got the euphoria from that injection from the dexamethasone yeah and that was making him I mean obviously we couldn't really tell in the dying days of that campaign it could have been the euphoria could have just been him no so apparently it's a real thing so that um I don't know about the dancing but all of the the idea that he was going to wear a superman shirt underneath his suit and then reveal it when he got to the white house they're taking the mask off just the crazy tweets about um you know I'm the strongest man that's ever lived that sort of stuff you know it could be true we don't know that it's not true um but also there's like euphoria or like like delusions that come with that drugs one of my friends is a doctor and he was like this is classic like behavior when people take these sorts of drugs and this man has the keys to like the button he's got the football with him but yeah that I just imagine if that had happened where he had worn a superman shirt underneath his I wish it did I just busted all of his I wish we had that as an image you know yeah you you could go back like hundreds of years and say at this point this is what happened back then this guy was running the world ruined a marvel franchise the events of this year are just going to be like a subject at university for years and years and years I reckon yeah absolutely I think the thing like you know when you see everyone now and everyone just looks tired and like just worn down and like everyone's just been kicked in the guts yeah and I think it's because we've had all of these huge discussions like really big like philosophical like conversations about nationhood and who we are as a people and society we normally only have one of them every couple of years you know when like Israel wants to talk about gay people or like Christianity and then we're like hang in a minute are we going to after the plebiscite we were tired stop talking about it it's mean don't be mean to people who are already disadvantaged or you know vulnerable and then this year we've had just like one after the other like how do we treat old people how do we treat people who are sick how do we think public housing towers in Melbourne remember that that was a week of Pauline saying that they deserved it jesus christ at the start of the like well how much are these old people actually worth to us in there was there was like savagery like absolute like lord of the flies behavior and then we had the deaths in custody stuff and that was really tough obviously for all of us as well you know seeing all of those pictures from the us it looked like a movie and one of the images that's just I didn't see it but from your description of it you were saying that you heard about this story this old guy in a wheelchair with like you know he's half his leg missing and he's like a a returned vet or something and someone starts playing the requiem from a dream for a dream soundtrack and there's like bombshells going off and like fire around it sounds like a freaking movie it sounds like a movie I wouldn't even watch because it'd be scary busting entertainment like Tiffany's just stealing all the jewelry in there no one's really followed up on that either I reckon there's some real red hot bootleg kind of merch getting around New York City right now like everyone you know after Christmas how you have all of your new clothes and like new shoes and stuff and everyone walks around looking real flash yeah that's what it would be like looking around these neighborhoods certain parcels of certain burrows in New York City there'd be a couple bodegas selling some pretty sick Gucci sunglasses so can you tell tell us a little bit about that you obviously on deck for all of that even in COVID even in a lockdown you've got to ride every way from the top and read through everything whereas you know everyone else is just either in a newsroom like ours just churning away or you're at home ingesting this but you're you guys are just cogs we're just cogs we're just small town journalists yeah uh whereas you obviously you've got to get prepared to get on air and talk about oh guess what Black Lives Matters is now a household term in Australia and there's one black woman one black person on breakfast television on the commercial networks in Australia Brooke you're up yeah it's a big responsibility because obviously you don't want to have to carry the burden of being the one who responds to these things all the time and you don't want to say something that's you know maybe if you had a few more hours to think a few more hours to think about it you know might have crafted like something more eloquent or more thoughtful but also like it's pretty incredible that we have someone who can be a part of these conversations who has a perspective that's different from what we would have heard otherwise and so you sort of just have to like weigh it up and then think about what you're going to say but i think like i've done so much reporting on this stuff in the past that i had i thought about it so much you know cried so much over it in the past i've you know met the families like when i was at abc before i started at triple j i broke that story about david dungay about him dying in um in prison and so i knew it sort of inside and out i hadn't been following the the inquest or anything like that but i knew what the details were and the circumstances in which died and seeing the footage and that sort of stuff so you know it was it's heartbreaking it was really really heartbreaking because for the first time ever we're paying attention to these really really big issues for us as aboriginal people but you know it's like off the back of something that's like not really i don't know it doesn't really belong to us like the black lives matter stuff you know there's it was like an imported movement and then also like to think oh great like everyone's paying attention to these issues now and this is great but then also having this like fear that it's going to just like go away and everyone's going to forget about it no one's going to care in a couple of months time and worse than that that people are going to think that they're more woke than what they are like i had people saying stuff to me like brooke you should really read like dark emu it's like really amazing i'm like yeah great you should really just go and block yourself because just go and uppercut yourself actually yeah yeah like that sort of stuff where people think that they sort of march so they're now yes they've cleared those debts yeah in terms of thinking about that ever again yeah yeah but i think that we i don't know like i think that we have gone a lot further in the conversation and in like the whole sort of sentiment around that stuff i think has changed and i don't think it'll go back yeah because i think once your eyes are open to that sort of brutality and you hear people say this is a great country for some people and not so much for others it's hard to go back to how it was before definitely yeah definitely and and and to think that 2016 the trump election it was just i guess completely acceptable for media pundits to say that black lives matters was a radical extremist organization and this time around it's no no that's a mainstream movement and it's a mainstream movement that's in Australia as well but yeah it must be it must be tricky for you coming from a rural aboriginal community and now living in a big city where you're surrounded by a lot of people in the inner city particularly who aren't aboriginal people but think they know more about your mob than you know everyone back home in the bush yeah do you know that's been like it's really weird because like my family we didn't have like a lot of culture when we were growing up obviously nan and pop were pretty terrified about practicing culture and that sort of stuff a lot of east coast mob are like that and like eastern state um aboriginal people but the thing that i just get really frustrated by is that when people meet you they think that because you can overcome the challenges that come with that like you know different sorts of poverty or disadvantage or whatever that then you are just the same as them and that's something that's been really frustrating this year because most aboriginal people that you meet and i'm not going to speak on behalf of everyone but have these really difficult experiences you know all of these really awful traumas that they just carry around with them and they overcome them and they sort of are very resilient um in their day-to-day life so that they can you know do all of the things that we need to do to keep surviving but because they do that then people are like oh but you're not like the other black fellas because you're not wallowing in you know disadvantage or misery or sadness because you can overcome that you're obviously you know you're not you're different you know if you meet aboriginal people know that they probably have some sort of trauma like statistically like that's just how it is because that's the way that people's lives are and if they can overcome that and you get to meet them and are side by side with them and they're in your workplace or they're in your school or whatever know that they've had to overcome that to get there not the cosby family it's not the freaking cosby family no wait are we allowed to talk about cosby it's not the p family you know it's not that uh you know the i mean of short the black middle class does exist in australia but it you know it's it's a it does but it comes at a cost and that cost is like overcoming trauma and putting your pain to the side to push the whole agenda forward i think i don't want to speak on behalf of everyone please don't cancel leave that to us yeah um can you uh tell us about some of those big moments some of those big milestones on brekkie tv oh my gosh i feel like i've had such a big year at work well i interviewed do you mean like the light and fluffy ones or big serious ones okay do you want me to tell you no tomorrow anymore brookie all right let me tell you about i'll pick like three favorite moments one was that moment that i was telling you about earlier when we were talking about uh police brutality and when that that policeman threw that young guy on the ground and it was being videoed and it was like a week after the george floyd tapes were seen by everyone and yeah i was like you know this is what i think blah blah blah and carl and allie were like say it on air and i'd never had the freedom to express myself and my views like that before and had my experience or my knowledge you know endorsed endorsed like that so i really felt like they backed me in and i really felt like oh this is exactly what i want to do this is the audience that i want to speak to these are the things that i want to say i have the support of my co-hosts no one's like trying to stitch me up or make me look stupid or something and so that was a real highlight for me another one would have been okay so recently matthew mcconaughey yeah that's yeah that's gonna be a highlight right he's so hot so last year he came to australia for i think like wild turkey or something have like some sort of partnership with him yeah and he was doing this thing with like unyoked those like those little like cubicle they're like dongers they're fancy dongers yeah yeah oh yeah like they're like glamping things like that yeah so i went and interviewed him and i was like we have like a real like i feel like we could be friends like i feel like we could hang out and have a great time and then i was like oh maybe he's just like that maybe he's just very charismatic or maybe he's just the hottest guy you've met maybe he's just the hottest guy in the world and i'm falling for him like everyone else who meets him then recently i interviewed him again as soon as i turned on my zoom he goes oh well if it isn't the young lady who loves bob dylan what's that song you love again and i was like shut the fuck up oh my god he remembered me it's been a year and he remembered um so that was a real highlight you gotta imagine how many people he's met since then i know yeah i've thought about it a lot mate mate i've thought about it so much yeah he's a proper celebrity then isn't he yeah he's yeah he's been in movies yeah no but he's a problem like that's that's part of the job description you are what you're neglecting here is that we have a very special connection we're probably going to be best friends at some stage we're sitting around playing bongos having the best time of our life he could be a professional or he could be in love with you brook so well you know you said it okay now what else oh gosh i'm getting all flustered after talking about magna mcconaughey i think that seeing all of the news like you were saying before for the first time in the morning after it was happening in the u.s was a real privilege and getting to see how agile and how difficult like how agile the news team is but how difficult it is to pull together coverage that's accurate and fair and that sort of stuff at that time in the morning that quickly like seeing carl and ali do it it was like a real masterclass right just to see them navigate around quite a tricky news cycle without screaming antifa like uh donald trump didn't just blame it on radical protesters but then i don't know because we started in the bushfires season as well like that was like our first broadcasting day so that was pretty crazy as well i mean it's been an insane year hasn't it yeah it has been and uh we cover a lot of that in our book australia 2020 available at august bookstores although because we had to get it printed in time for christmas we had to press print in july yeah so um there's a lot of assumptions made we missed the whole second wave in melbourne we're just lucky that nothing happened this financial year in australia yeah nothing i can't think of a single a single thing yeah no no massive elections i was so scared when the election was happening about like what was going to happen i was like oh no people are going to get into fights in the line this is going to be crazy and then like nothing really happened it was fever pitch because i mean trump was saying in those debates i want all my supporters keeping an eye on the electoral staff which is really eroding public trust in the in democracy yeah and like summoning the proud boys yeah yeah stand back stand by stand around stand nearby stand uh stand off stand in just go and stand over there stand near the ballot did you see the video of the proud boys because you know they're like we're not the other proud boys because like the hashtag got taken over by um you know all of the gay community yeah gay pride community and then the proud boys are obviously protesting this week because trump told them to or you know has sort of put pressure on them or two or whatever i don't know um anyway they're out on the streets in washington a few people got stabbed but they were like we're not gay and to show people that they they were all wearing like matching tartan skirts and then they lifted their skirts up and showing people their bums and on their bums they had riding yeah but i was like that's not and it was very neat too so that means that one of them has had to get the sharpie out and touch all of their buns all of their bums yeah he's not doing that with one hand no no it's a two-hand that's a two-hand job and also your face is at bum height yeah yeah which is like also other levels dude this is such a funny prank everyone is gonna love this oh my god and the proud boys this will show them they started as like a as a subculture that was aimed to show pride in western culture or something like that and now they've kind of well they're they're concentrating to the point where they're now wearing tartan kilts and i think that like they've got like an oath that you had to take before you entered and there's like all this different criteria that you had to satisfy there's this part in the oath where it's like i am a proud western chauvinist i will not apologize for building the modern world like say sorry america's only 250 years old and you saw a photo of the pyramids and you just thought it was built by aliens yeah and also like the best costume idea you could come up with was a skirt yeah yeah a really expensive polish it but you know there was still a sport that you can't afford to play yeah they uh they don't really represent the average trump voter there's still 70 million 71 million trump voters this time around but but biden with the mail-ins did tear ahead by about seven eight million yeah because he told them all to vote by mail because it was safe yeah and then he's like you won't get coronavirus why are there so many mail-ins for biden yeah yeah god damn it because you told all your supporters to go out there and film everyone on the day cough on each other that that doesn't seem like much 78 to 78 to 70 doesn't seem like much but that is eight million is still bigger than any australian state in population isn't it yeah i'd say so yeah how many people maybe in new south wales yeah yeah yeah i think it's pretty wild that there are that many people who voted for trump who said that they didn't yeah i think that you know i was thinking a lot about this like during that period i think when you have progress or change that happens too quickly quite often you see a swing back in the opposite direction it's like an equal and opposite reaction and so i think like after obama and after all of this hope and after you know whatever like if you don't bring people with you on a journey and it's and it just changes the pace of it is like a snail but if it's not like that and it is too quick and things come you know at a yeah when people aren't expecting it or can't digest all of the info then you get it you get a swing back and i think that that's what the problem is there is that people felt disenfranchised they felt like their livelihood was under threat like that they didn't have time and i'm not making apologies for them i'm just trying to understand their their way of thinking i think they didn't have time to realize that like they weren't giving anything up to give others rights yeah and you know when you've been thinking a certain way for your entire life and your life is hard and someone's going to take that away from you like i can understand why people get themselves into a bit of a tizzy and trump trump appeals to them it gets gets them excited yeah it rolls them right up it makes them feel a bit safe because they'd be terrified which which is interesting i wonder if that's going to be the case with scomo because he can offer that to you know disillusioned voters he can offer that warm hug but at the end of the day he's still the third prime minister from the same party who's just quite dysfunctional like i mean i mean three leaders in in two two elections is kind of is kind of messy and i wonder if he is the chosen one to kind of will his prime ministership last longer than the last two put together and he'll be the one they remember out of this era of liberal well they've changed the rules now so you can't just spill yeah classic yes so in order for there to be a spill now in both parties you've got to get well i know in the labor party you've got to have like a full vote from the labor caucus which is a lot of people but in the liberal party you've got to get like three quarters of the party room so basically for there to be another lib spill scott would you know have to you know be caught in a close personal relationship with the member for waga michael mccormack yeah yeah he's got he's got but he's got christians too so the christians all back and then that like they won't be able to get three quarters you know what i mean do you know what's wild i always think about how um when they do those like broad polls and they're like what do people think about the environment what do people think about this social thing what do people think about you know hospitals whatever and they're always so much more progressive than the people that they vote in yeah i'm always so surprised by that and so then you've got these leaders or representatives who seem like so far well their views are so different from the electorate you know how did what what's going on you just got to find i guess it's finding the one policy that that appeals the most to the voter i think this year it may have been a certain tax loophole that allows a certain generation to hoard wealth or yeah i'm moving forward in the future i think this country's gotten a bit used to having a very radical concept known as universal basic income where the government just pays you a little bit of money but i reckon if you took that to an election they'd be like who's going to pay for this i think that anthony albanese will pay for this by you know taking your gold teeth out of your grandmother yeah yeah yeah it's like well who paid for it during that that massive pandemic where no one could work it's like we do i guess yeah it's pretty wild that one what was that like one quarter of a session yeah everyone else around the world it was a slight one it's like a little baby one it was just like having a head cold after you've had you know four glasses of wine at the pub after work yeah you don't have covid you just got a bit of a sniffle yeah that's us you just feel a bit flat that's scary i have it every single time i had a sore throat or if i sneezed i was like she's got me ma yeah please lord i'm only 47 take my child instead a lot of people still saying that nowadays like brendan from coughs harbor goes yeah i reckon i had it back in march hey i had this really bad flu it's like where'd you go oh just nowhere but i think there was someone from sydney who came through town and there's like everyone had this cough it's like no mate we'd know if it was there everyone got tested around that time when you had a flu you know when i was in korea last year i tried to go up to the border so you know you could see every go to the dmt or whatever they call it is that what it is so i tried to get close to the dmz and they were like no no no everyone stay away there's a weird african swine flu getting around up there so we're only going to let you like this far up because everyone's got it yes and i reckon it was you reckon it was already there yeah well it was already there then like that's when they'd recorded their first cases like a couple of weeks before yeah it's covered 19 the 19 stands for 2019 yeah yeah and so it was already all through that and i was in seoul no one was you know everyone was hugging and yeah yeah getting sweaty and doing whatever they wanted and so i actually think that maybe i have already have it maybe you're the same as maybe me and brendan yeah from from coughs yeah you've all yeah okay you could have had it a couple people have felt the same way that were coming out of china around that time uh liz cambridge she said she was diagnosed with an upper respiratory virus i was so sick but i thought it was because of the fires because all of the bush smoke the bushfire smoke was around then yeah yeah and i was like damn this is really giving my lungs a good tickle i can't smell shit this hamburger tastes like coins oh no you could have had it look you could have had it we didn't have too much community transition in the in the greater diamantina shire but there were a few some funny cases i mean a couple cases got out in broken hill remember just through all the gold cruise ship passengers that go back home oh you mean after the ruby princess ruby princess and a couple of old colleges which didn't really happen well yeah well is that the new theory ruby princess is a false flag yeah it is yeah it's not even a real boat that's right i would argue that no i don't even know what you guys are referring to i was just jumping on board with the joke yeah yeah yeah don't please don't misquote her news.com yeah but the ruby princess the fact that the ruby princess did happen before anyone knew too much about social distancing and you said well still didn't end up with a melbourne style lockdown is it commendable so isn't it because the contact tracing in victoria they were doing it by like pen and paper like phoning people and being like okay write down this phone number yeah so john was hanging out with susie in her phone number wait is that a two or an eight yeah yeah isn't that why well i mean there are a lot of factors that i'm sure they will continue to look over in the years to come and they try and point the fingers who's responsible for this recession i love it i love the way that you can just get someone to be like no but who were you really hanging around with and like getting all the info out of them i sort of wish that was my job like i wish you could do a thing where you just do a job swap for a few weeks but you know you you know how to do it you're at the right skill level yeah you're not going in there and having to learn a bunch of new skills or whatever like i'm not going to go and be a surgeon all i want to do is just go and contact if you want that job brook what you need to do is go to a labor hire company and then just wait for a text message and you'll get hired the day before and funnily enough that's also how you get the security jobs at the hotels you create a second wave in a matter of weeks yeah i love how they're calling them hot hotels as well i'm like this is the problem don't call them hot yeah well call them something else the stories that were getting around at the the leg out the door and the the infected guest in the in the gown and the guy putting it all on the line obviously fucking entire city in the process was pretty hot i guess you could say no comment no comment no comment well you can't let the truth get in the way of a good story plans here well look we didn't really play into those uh sky news stereotypes but they are getting around and uh yeah to think that it was adultery that caused that second wave is hilarious but it's been a wild year either or and delivering us the news as usual and we'll continue to do so moving forward was brooke bony from the today's show so thank you for your hard work this year brook um no thank you guys thanks for having me did you win the dream time i didn't win but the girl who won is rachel hocking and she's done some incredible reporting this year and so i said to mom i texted her and i was like i'm really nervous like let me know how you know when my award comes up and she's like yeah i will and then i was like i act like as much as i want to win i really hope that rachel wins because she's done just so much hard work this year and she's an absolute legend she's real like community-based person like she you know she's out there fighting the good fight and also like i don't know it's great to be on the today show and i'm so happy that they you know gave me that recognition last year because i had a really big and you know it was pretty difficult at some times last year you know it's what my job is like about representation and about visibility when you've got people out there actually like breaking stories about our community and doing all of the grunt work like you know i want them to get some recognition too and you're heading towards logie territory anyway so we'll uh you reckon you back me in well commercial network you're in the you're on a high rating breakfast television show that might be the next that might be the next speech you give that might be the next one to send your mom on stage 2021 oh i'm here for it she'll be there for it too she'll love it thank you for joining us thank you guys also how you get the security jobs at the hotel you create a second wave in a matter of weeks yeah i love how they're calling them hot hotels as well i'm like this is the problem don't call them hot yeah well call them something else the stories we're getting around at the the leg out the door and the the infected guest in the in the gown and the guy putting it all on the line obviously fucking entire city in the process was pretty hot i guess you could say no comment no comment no no comment well you can't let the truth get in the way of a good story plans well look we didn't really play into those sky news stereotypes but they are getting around and uh yeah to think that it was adultery that caused that second wave is hilarious but it's been a wild year either oil and delivering us the news as usual and will continue to do so moving forward was brooke bony from the today's show so thank you for your hard work this year brooke um no thank you guys thanks for having me did you win the dream i didn't win but the girl who won is rachel hocking and she's done some incredible reporting this year and so i said to mom i texted her and i was like i'm really nervous like let me know how you know when my award comes up and she's like yeah i will and then i was like i act like as much as i want to win i really hope that rachel wins because she's done just so much hard work this year and she's an absolute legend she's real like community-based person like she you know she's out there fighting the good fight and also like i don't know it's great to be on the today show and i'm so happy that they you know gave me that recognition last year because i had a really big and you know it was pretty difficult at some times last year you know it's what my job is like about representation and about visibility when you've got people out there actually like breaking stories about our community and doing all of the grunt work like you know i want them to get some recognition too and you're heading towards logie territory anyway so we'll uh you reckon you back me in well commercial network you're in the you're on a high rating breakfast television show that might be the next that might be the next speech you give that might be the next one to send your mom to yeah on stage with the logies 2021 oh i'm here for it she'll be there for it too she'll love it thank you for joining us thank you guys |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Instagram_s_Bread_Drought_Gerry_Harvey_Hits_Up_Centrelink_Joe_Rogan_Fans_Silenced_More_Sept_ | Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, the show goes on, the lockdowns continue down south and Queensland holds on with white knuckles hoping that this truck driver and this other family didn't bring any of that spicy Sydney sneeze up our way. My name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate, I'm joined of course by Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol? Good mate, just still coming to terms with the fact I've sold my soul and received my second vaccination, but there was no avoiding it. If they're going to open the borders, there's Lunatic in charge of the country and his little attack dogs on a state level, if they're going to introduce this bloody super flu to this country, then I guess I've got to protect myself, don't I? Yes you do Errol, good stuff, good initiative, how about you Wendell, what are you up to? Yeah, going really well, thanks Clancy, there'll probably be some interesting takes on some of the later stories in this bulletin here from Errol Parker I'd say, but as you mentioned holding breath about that truck driver, so we may as well get out there and make the most of what could be our last free weekend, so we'll get into this bulletin straight away I reckon.
We're going to start off with a national story, more of a southern story really, but lack of bread making content on social media is suggesting that this lockdown can go and get fucked. Yeah, from our free and happy inland port city it looks like our friends and enemies in the filthy, diseased south of the continent are over these stay at home waters and have had more than enough of the Sydney Sneeze. There's no bread, there's no gardening projects, no mason jars, no home made pasta or even jerky, no not this time around. Nah, just angry comments and nihilistic memes on social media. This story came about after some comprehensive social media analysis was released revealing that bread making Instagram and Facebook posts are down 843% with the novelty well and truly worn off this time around. A spokesperson from Sydney said I'm just buying bread from the shop like a normal person this time around.
They've had a tough run the poor buggers. Thoughts are with them. Now, a story about another person who's had a little bit of a tough run, Jerry Harvey.
The headline on this one reads get out Jerry shouts Centrelink receptionist as the billionaire approaches her desk with a neck brace. You wrote this one Clancy, tell us a bit about it. Well mate, it's no surprise that Jerry Harvey's got a new rort up his sleeve to pry taxpayer dollars out of the government, but one local public servant is onto him. Barb from the Gold Coast Centrelink office said, Jerry, you've been warned. Get out of here. We know that you've had a bumper 80% in profits in the 2021 financial year and there is no need for you to be taking any more money from the government, which in turn comes out of the taxpayer's pockets. Barb says she knows what a rorta looks like when she sees one and she is drawing the line even if our prime minister and treasurer will not do anything to rein in these billionaires who have hoarded tens and tens, almost hundreds of millions of job keeper payments over the last year, despite their businesses doing much better than they were doing before the pandemic.
What do you think would happen if you ran as fast as you absolutely could and jumped at the last minute and drove both of your heels into Jerry Harvey's back as he was walking down the street? Because it's something I often fantasize about. Yeah, I reckon you'd get in a fair bit of strife. Yeah, but like everyone's been arrested, like what? You'd get charged with assault, you'd be bailed. I mean, the only thing you'd have to worry about is Jerry getting his men on you.
That's certainly, certainly the case. But you know, the Australian justice- I mean, he's old and fucked though, it might even kill him. Well, they say, mate, the Australian justice system isn't about making sure bad people go to prison. It's about ensuring that rich men don't. Yeah, I reckon you would have to lawyer up pretty quickly, Errol Parker, I reckon you would.
Now, we've got a story here that might be of interest to our listeners on Spotify. A Joe Rogan fan has revealed that he is going to pause all of his staunch opinions on modern medicine for the next week or so. Well, if you haven't heard, the man responsible for 5% of listening minutes on Spotify has been struck down by the pangolins' revenge. And that means a local carnivore from Batutah's aspirational suburban wedge known as Batutah Heights is going to go quiet for a little while. Yes, 28-year-old construction manager, Jono McCafferty says he's going to take a bit of time off talking shit about modern medicine after 10 faithful years listening to the Joe Rogan podcast. The man who is, and I quote, open to other forms of treatment for coronavirus says he's going to woo up a little bit until Rogan returns to tell him what to think. As Jono said to us, hopefully, Joe loads up on the elk meat and gets that livestock dewormer drug. I've heard a lot about it from Joe himself.
And I also have heard that intermittent 90-degree saunas kills off this flu pretty quickly as well. Interesting one there. I've heard that it doesn't. And some more news on alternative thinkers. A worksite anti-vaxxer has been urged to maybe start doing his own research into that smoker water. Yes, some more biased journalism from this stupid inbred newspaper.
After months of medical skepticism, a local carpenter who polishes off one litre of Monster Energy drink, a two-month-old curried steak pie with tomato sauce, and a 150-gram Mars bar, three wind-filled cigarettes, a battered cheese kranski, and about 500 millilitres of iced coffee for Smoko has been urged to think about what he's putting in his body. Now, just all of that, like, there's so much research gone into, like, treating your body like this. I mean, there's decades, centuries of what doing this to your body does, and you're expecting people to put something into their bodies that's been developed in, you know, a matter of months. Well, the question is what those decades of research into a potentially three-kilogram Smoko order does to the body. I think the research has found that it's not very good for the body.
Certainly less doctors endorsing that particular meal than they are endorsing this vaccine. But yes, this local bloke, his name is Chook Fowler from Battuta Heights, a local carpenter, just another Australian citizen who has fallen through the cracks of the public health messaging on this COVID vaccine. He's since been told by a few of the boys on site who want to get on with their lives that if he's concerned about his health, rather than getting worked up about the scientists trying to control him with a vaccine, he should be reading the back of the cans and packets he ploughs through on a daily basis.
That is quite a fucking large meal he's eating there, and he does it every single day at about 11.30am. Well, mate, if you worked with your hands, then I suppose you need some fuel like that too, but you don't. You work in an office in a cheap suit. Yep. The beef noodle fart will do me fine, thank you very much. Alright, we've got one last one for you, Errol, and the headline on it sounds just like this.
Wow, after reading just one NRL player, this Instagram model knows more about modern medicine than someone who's studied it for 20 years. Yes, an incredible story this one, a 20 year old Instagram model has woken up after making tender love with a 130 game NRL journeyman, and become acutely aware of how all the scientists and medical practitioners are actually lying to us, and actually don't have our best interests at heart. Just like that. She's apparently bypassed decades of research and dedication to make people's lives better in the field of science and medicine by simply clapping cheeks with a footy player. The newfound anti-waxer has since begun urging people to start joining the dots on this COVID stuff, and is now looking forward to a career in showing off her medical prowess. It's amazing, that's all it takes, a potential plus one invitation to the Dowley-M Awards and all of a sudden you know more than your general doctors.
I think the Gold Coast Sun tends to help a little bit as well. Anyway, that's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in to the weekly Petuda Bulletin. My name's Clancy Overall.
Hooroo! See ya! |
dropout | bar_trivia_ruins_your_night | This looks like a fantastic meal. Oh, it does? Some fuckers, you know what that air horn means?
It's trivia night! Fuck, these guys are always so aggressive. I really don't want to play. I hate trivia night. Hey man, we're just going to eat, I think. Yeah, we don't really want to play. Sorry fuckers, everyone's playing. It's trivia night! Winner gets a free drink, and I know we're all looking to get fucked up!
There's already a table playing, why do we have to play? Because if you don't play, then they can't beat anyone!
Time's up! The answer is elephants! Whatever, I know I'm fucking funny. Okay, quick score check-in.
In last place is team... Team UH. And in first place, the COCK SQUAD! COCK SQUAD!
Give me the shit out of you. You're an adult.
We don't want to play. Everyone plays! If you don't want to play, then get out of here!
We're like halfway through this meal. I hate this. That's my move.
Question 2! What is the chemical symbol for helium? Helium and helium! It's H-E. And time!
The circle gets a square! It looks like everyone in the bar got this one right! Looks like you fucks aren't as dumb as you look!
That's enough! Hey, hey, old man. It's part of my job to bring some personality, okay? Sorry if you can't handle that. No, you're right. I guess... I guess I can understand that. Okay, cool, thanks.
Hey, by the way, that free beer? I'll give you one if you come to my stand-up show tomorrow! It's at Giggle Sharts, and it's two drink minimum. So I was joking. I can't get you that free beer.
Fuck you! We don't get comedy! You don't get to live!
Oh! I'm sorry! Oh my God! I'm so sorry! Too much?
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching.
You can click here to subscribe, or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm, clicks. |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_Fears_Genetic_Modification_Causes_Wrath_Minded_Taters | Jode Kressbeckler, from cling jumpers to politicians to coyotes, the straight shooter that shook up the 2008 presidential race is taking them all on and licking them good. That's your picture boxes here. This is Kressbeckler's stance. Now, you seen professors and high muckety mucks with their lily white hands squatting there talking on some book they wrote? Well, now Jode Kressbeckler's onto the book himself.
Now, how'd you like that? That wasn't my idea.
Them Hebrews would sign my promissory notes, come to me. I said old Jode needed to have a book. I'm going to be out on a road show for some exhibitions. The first hundred takers get shavings from my Spanish leg. I never had mule puppies. I got other matters need old pining on.
Illustrated newspaper said government scientists fixing to put a genetic modifier on taters. I got me a silver tongue that's going to explain what these sorcerers are doing to the taters from Jode's root cellars. Hello, Jode. Who and what's behind these potato monkey shines? Well, these scientists are trying to mass produce potatoes that are more resistant to disease, but they're doing so in potentially dangerous ways that alter their DNA. Tater disease is what brung us Irish. Right. One group even wants to breed a new potato strain using certain strands of human genes. Then you give a man's inside to his butt, first thing you do is start bubbling for revenge. I think what we should be worried about is the long-term effects of these foods are unknown. Because I've done terrible things to taters like cutting them, frying them. You give a tater man's constitution, you can bet he's coming to pay old Jode a call. Yes. Well, nature's revenge could come in the form of disease or allergens. Now you listen to me, taters. I don't know if you grew your ears yet, but if you did keep this message in them for you, come leafing out of Jode's pot. Because I've got my good friend, Colonel James Boyd right here, same as cut the Chinese.
Look, there isn't a need for conspiracy theories. We've got the facts on our side here. Conspiracy?
Where are I and a squadron of taters? You got gave a mind of a tater. Jode, please, let me make my point. You're tater minded and you're looking to infiltrate old Jode's cabin, but you're too late. Now you get out or I slice your tater heart out and fry it up on my griddle. Okay, Jode.
Now y'all stay close, you're going to have my jug band back here in the desk, but don't let me strum the worst part. We're going to resort to cutting. |
dropout | internet_commenter_business_meeting_2 | Guys, we're here today to honor our friend and co-worker, Howard Mandelbaum, who is retiring tomorrow after 44 years of college humor. Mandelbaum! Howard, you've been here from the beginning, you helped build this place from the ground up and there are just a few things.
We got you these cards here and we made this scrapbook. There's some pictures.
Too long! Did not read. We're like too old, could not read. Elderly Pwnage! I'm sorry. I take it back. Too late. You can't edit yourself.
You know, we've shared a lot of memories and we just wanted to... We just wanted...
No, she won't. She's gone tomorrow but.
You killed it. What do you think of the cake? Nah, dig it. You know, Wikipedia says that cake is often frosted with butter cream or marzipan and and finished with piped borders and crystallized fruit. Couple cupcakes left if anyone wants them.
Do not want. This is boring.
Check that out. Oh my God, yes. Got it to get so hard. Yeah, they could be hotter.
What are you, a gay wad?
Three times, nice work. Neil Bloom. Pound, pound, pound. I really think we're losing track of the reason we are here. Howard Mandelbaum.
Everything about this party sucks. Fuck you, and fuck you. Blacks, women, Chinaman, titty fucker, donkey fucker, monkey fucker, douche. You know, if you're always gonna be like that, why do you even come to these parties? I'm lonely.
Left. Ugh, not even close. I know how this party's gonna end. We're going. Spoiler alert! Hey guys, check out this picture. Oh. Faryon. One minute and 40 seconds, FTW. Left. False. Ooh. |
TheOnion | My_Baby_Got_Carried_Away_By_A_Tumbleweed_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | All right, today's trouble hacking request comes from State Moo, who asks, my baby got carried away by a tumbleweed while she was playing outside. How can I find her? Tracking a baby down in tumbleweed can be tricky, especially if it's your first time. But here are some tips to help you track down your tumbling top.
First, track down some dog meat. Now, a full fresh carcass is ideal, of course. You have rotten meat or entrails they'll do in a pinch. Lay the meat down on the street, wait for vultures to descend upon it. Once the vultures have picked the dog clean, you're going to want to pick out one of the sturdy vultures. Take a pot and bang a wooden stick on the pot to scare the vultures away, but not before you picked out your sturdy one, grabbed it by the talons while it flies away.
So once you're in the sky, scan the area for the tumbleweed containing your baby. And here are some things to look for to make sure that the tumbleweed does in fact contain your baby. Is the tumbleweed crying? Does the tumbleweed roll unevenly, as if there's some asymmetrical object inside of it? There's a good chance there's a baby in there. So once you've found the tumbleweed that contains your baby, simply slice off the foot of the vulture with your dagger, land safely on the sand, and collect your baby.
Don't forget to like this video and comment and ask questions in the comments. grungeman92 asked, what's the craziest thing I've ever eaten? That would be a cobb salad. Alright, well thanks for watching. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Case_Closed_A_Furious_Sky_News_Mum_The_Ultimate_Punishment_More_September_23 | I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor-at-large. Hello Errol. Hello Clancy.
Yes, that's a very good way of putting what this bulletin is. I think it's a cosmic anchor for a lot of people's weeks, especially around town. Not sure about in the wider scheme of things, not sure how many people around the country actually listen to this, but it's certainly one of our most favoured things of doing this week, isn't it? Yeah. Can at times not be too compact either, I'd say. Sometimes it can be quite loose.
And you know, we'll try and keep it short and sharp this week because our young Wendell is off on his first overseas holiday to Bora Bora. No, no, Bali. Four weeks in Bali. Jesus Christ. Four weeks in Bali.
But not like, not doing like Cuda and stuff, like we're going up into the hills a bit and like we've got like a bit of a different place, which is not as touristy and stuff. Like we'll go in, but we're kind of a bit away. But you're landing and your hotel's in Cuda. Yeah, but like we'll spend a fair bit of time like away and all that. So it's exciting, eight of us.
Is that the only place that you're going to is Bali? Yeah, we're doing a month in Bali. You're not even going to pop over to Lombok and get some methanol poisoning or something. Oh no, I think we'll do Lombok and like you can, like there's a place out there that's good. Like a bit of fun and stuff. Look, certainly not doing Java or Borneo if that's what you're talking about.
Do not be afraid to lay the boot into those monkeys. I mean, there's bloody hundreds of them and they will bite you. Yeah, I've heard they like go and they steal your stuff.
So yeah, it should be a bit of fun, but that's wise words. Obviously, I'll be checking to see what it is.
What type of monkeys are they? Possum sized? No, no, no, they're like border collie size they can get to, I think.
And then they're like running around. So that's why... They're very aggressive, which I mean... So that's why, Clancy, a swift boot from...
Steel caps? You packed your steel caps?
No, a swift boot from one of Wendell's size eight fucking ASIC KO gel Reebok things. And look, obviously aggressive monkeys. But after I've had a couple of Arachs and Red Bulls, I think I'll be all right.
Well, it sounds like you might get arrested. And I don't know what it's like over there when you get arrested.
Do they have a Bali Hilton? The monkeys are not protected. It's not like here where if you go to the park and you boot a goose or a duck or something and the RSPCA come and then they call the cops and then you have a blue with the cops and then all of a sudden you're in the watch house. There's a siege in the park.
Anyway, I'm out of Ramianco Airport very shortly, so... Well, mate, enjoy yourself. And as we said, be careful when they do make you a big cocktail down there on the beach. Make sure you hear the liquor bottle crack as they open it, because if it doesn't crack, it means it's been decanted. Yeah. Oh, right. It means it's... Yeah, if you start to like, if you start to literally lose your vision and your and your sense of taste, that's methanol poisoning. You should be reaching for your telephone and asking for a medevac to Darwin. So I hope you've got... I'll do that. Your son-in-law, you need to send me the tattoo artist recommendation for your son-in-law.
You don't have health insurance, do you? You don't have travel insurance.
No, what? OK, all right. Well, what do I do that for?
A groundbreaking report which says there will be no further debate. Shane Warne is going to grace our $5 note. Yes, it was initially thought that an image of King Charles III would replace Queen Elizabeth II on Australia's $5 banknotes following the death of Her Majesty. But that is no longer the case. No, because Treasurer Jimmothy Chalmers has spoken and revealed that the real King of Spin will be gracing our $5 note from now on. And he said to the advocate, and I quote here, Yeah, this is it. The debate is over. Lot of fans of that. Surprisingly, one who wasn't was by the name of Scott Marsh.
I think he might also like a bit of graffiti. He said, I was actually going for Matt Shervington's moose knuckle. But I guess if Shane Warne has to be it, that'll be OK. Well, maybe if Matt Shervington was the best at something, then he could be on it. But, well, he's not. He's the best moose knuckle. He's the best in Lycra, they reckon.
The women anyway.
Matt Shervington has a hog on him that looks like the arm of an infant. Baby's arm holding an apple.
Yeah. Yes, as they said in Austin Powers all those years ago. Very original. What else is making me? Shagadelic, baby. More royal news.
And a Sky News mum has revealed that she is quietly seething at how goddamn photogenic Meghan Markle is. Look, Wendell, it has been a tough week for that empty nester, Deb Harris. Obviously, as a staunch monarchist, the conservative sexagerian has been mourning the passing of Her Majesty. But things have been tougher considering she's had to deal with one of the most inflammatory celebrities on the planet, Meghan Markle. Yes, Markle has been breathing this week, which is bad enough for the likes of Sky News and The Daily Mail, who hound her every move. It's something that has Deb wound right up. What's made matters even worse is not only is this awful woman tearing the royal family apart, but she's looking so goddamn photogenic while doing it. Yeah, as Deb quietly admitted to us in an interview, it's so frustrating that even when Meghan is fake crying, she still looks so good.
She says it seems like it's impossible for them to take a bad photo of her. And you know that they are trying the paparazzi. They would be trying their hardest to get a bad photo.
Another mum-related story now. And a new mum who carried a baby for nine months has settled on the name Fergus. Yes, the word is officially out amongst millennials and having kids is officially cool post-pandemic, provided you give them a daggy old world kind of name, which is why Petuta Heights mum, Bernadette Silk, has decided to name her child Fergus. After months of morning sickness being seemingly permanently uncomfortable, weird cravings and many other things, Bernadette says she's decided to punish her child by calling him Fergus, which will affectionately become Gus over the next couple of years, I'm sure. He looks just like a Fergus, the young mum told us, so there was no other option.
What, so he's got a hair lip and tiny ears? He's gotta be a red nut with a Fergus, name like Fergus. Ferg, I would be calling him. Gus is a cop out. If you're gonna call him Fergus, you gotta go the full whack. Fergie Ferg, yeah Angus is more Gus, isn't it?
We'll wrap it up with some sports news now and a review of Hawthorn has found that the AFL Club was run by a bunch of racist Melbourne cunts. Yes, findings from a damning review into the Hawthorn Football Club was released this week, leading people around the country to ask, what the fuck is wrong with you creeps? According to the families of three players interviewed, some horrendous incidents at the center of the review allegedly took place during a period in which the club won four AFL premierships, three of them back to back, a winning streak that was glorious enough to hide all of their torturous treatment of vulnerable young athletes and their loved ones. Unsurprisingly, heads have yet to properly roll at the club made famous by their mouth-breathing fans or other clubs where coaches involved have been moved onto with the PR machine that is the AFL seemingly hoping that the AFL Grand Final would sweep this calculated full-blown racism and eugenics right under the rug. Does not surprise me, does not surprise me, it is a cult down there in the Melbourne Boys Club of AFL.
You know what, I think what these clubs need to really sort things out, they have a draft program because there's not enough money across the board in all these clubs, so they have a draft and that makes these selectors and coaches rather risk averse and in the true form of discrimination and bigotry, being risk averse means only selecting white boys that remind them of their own sons. So anyone who doesn't fit that template tends to get treated differently and different rules are applied to them. What I think the AFL needs are sprawling leagues clubs full of poker machines. Yeah, what about just banning anyone who went to say, Scotch College, Trinity Grammar or Geelong Grammar for coaching? 40%, that's 40% of the draft. Yeah, but anyone who's been to those schools is not allowed to coach or be involved in organization of the club.
I reckon we should go one step further and just, you know, everything lower than the tweed should just be pushed off into the Tasman Ocean and, you know, the rest of us can go back to normal, put in the great man, Peter Dutton, put him back in the top job and hopefully we can get some actual progress and cheaper energy bills and some land cruises for everyone. Sounds like utopia. That sounds like utopia. We wouldn't have to worry about this kind of unbridled, heinous, heinous behavior. Those people down there in Melbourne can go and eat their poached eggs in their Teslas.
You know, they're bloody firing us. Yeah. Fuck them.
Thank you for tuning in this week. This has been Tootur Africa Weekly Bulletin. Enjoy your trip to Bali. Kala Spera. |
cracked | the_conspiracy_behind_the_most_controversial_nfl_play_ever | All right, Chris Johnson. You know what? It's your week, my friend. I am riding your ass to victory. No, I'm relying on your performance.
Holy shit, Cody's in my head. Speak of the devil. And Cody will walk in dressed like him.
Yeah. It's for a bit. You'll see later on. It's fun.
I'm actually here to talk to you about sportsball. Our big fantasy meet is coming up. You want to talk about how this whole matchup is tainted because you use paintball snipers to systematically intimidate every single other person in our league into trading you their best players? Not that specifically, but tangentially, yes. I was thinking more like, uh, your lineup sucks and you're mentally inferior to me. Sort of chat.
What was this even satisfying for you? Corrupting the entire league just to beat me? Hey, no. Don't worry, man. I'm really happy about this. Seriously. Cody, fantasy football is supposed to be fun, but it's not fun when you rig the whole thing. Right! Like how Wayne Elliott arbitrarily gave me the win against your team of riff-raff in week three. That was really fun.
You don't even know the names of your own players. That was Golden Tate who caught the miracle pass. Remember? You traded for him because you thought he was a weapons upgrade.
And it's bullshit that he's not! And he didn't even catch that pass. That was an interception.
The only reason that they call it a catch is because it was the replacement refs, and they made a terrible, terrible call. If anything, the replacement refs are the ones who helped you.
What are you doing? Wayne Elliott was the name of the head ref of the game at Green Bay Packers in the Seattle Seahawks. Cody, how in the unholy hell that you crawled out of did you know who he was? Hey, if you're insinuating that somehow I pressured Wayne Elliott into giving Golden Tate that touchdown, you are crazy. You discredited the entire NFL and possibly cost the Green Bay Packers their season just to win a week of fantasy football. No, no, no. I did it to cause you pain.
That's my fantasy. Just... wow. Anyway, good luck, but not really. Okay, that's fine, Cody. In fact, that's good. Because my team in Nerdy Wells is going to put together a week for the record books.
They are going to kick the sh- Chris Johnson just fumbled! What? On the kickoff? And now he's injured. But, on the bright side, I know what kickoff means now. It's like when you- like the opposite of touchdowning. Like, I just touchdowned the tackle men.
Can't even tell if you really don't know what you're talking about or you're just messing with me now. Well, me neither.
Linebacker. Okay? Jokes upon jokes upon jokes upon jokes and japes and jokes. Swim out! |
dropout | if_priests_got_heckled_in_church | to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light from the power of Satan to God so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me oh fuck yeah the Lord said believe in my son through him you believe in me believe that he has risen from the dead and has forgiven our trespasses fuck yeah man fucking tell it let us let us turn to Matthew verse 13 where of course shit yeah maybe you could demand in the back please quiet down sorry man I just got super fucking into this shit I appreciate it I appreciate it thank you so much let us pray woke up at 7 a.m. for this shit thank you thank you let us turn to Matthew verse 18 when speaking about forgiveness Jesus said unto Peter let me tell you a story a servant came to the king owing an unthinkable amount of debt the king then ordered the man along with his family to be sold into the slave trade come on King fucking okay sir thank you I'm just trying to get everybody into it all right I'm on your fucking side my man the servant threw himself at the King's feet begging for forgiveness and a chance to pay him back the king touched by the man's plea let him go and erased his entire death oh fuck yeah because the king knows what's up the king knows you bitch the servant left the palace and came across a man who owed him money the man pleaded with the man pleaded with the servant begging for forgiveness and promising to pay him back say what but the servant wouldn't budge the servant had the man arrested until the debt was paid the king was told of this and promptly summoned the servant I forgive your entire debt said the king you should be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for forgiveness as I was to you now what this teaches us is is that of course church is the motherfucking tits baby boy when I say boom boom maybe you say Jesus when I say boom boom let me say Jesus hey hey dude look down all right I will not look down down all right that is enough you've been iced father so drink it oh fuck yeah yo you're making church harder than it needs to be you're telling us there is a heaven and you know exactly how to get there come on this is insane church should be a rager let's turn if I drink this will you please quiet down oh yeah oh god oh okay all right all right all right now let us please oh fuck yeah man that shit's broke |
cracked | how_no_man_s_sky_takes_all_the_fun_out_of_gaming_cracked_responds | Hey everyone and welcome to another edition of crack responds this week We're gonna talk about no man's sky the game that was released a couple of weeks ago. How'd you feel about it Tom? I? Don't like it Can you quantify how much you dislike it on a scale of one to like to mass massacre probably Jonestown?
The basic premise is is you you're in a spaceship you start off in a spaceship And you basically have to work your way from the planet you start on to the center of the galaxy and the big deal About the game is that it's all RNG everything in the game is randomly generated. There's something like 10 quintillion planets No, there's not there's really there's five. There's an island planet There's a fucking desolate wasteland planet where robots haunt you if you get like whatever Like your wanted level up right and then there's like a tree like a nice foresty planet And then there's like a like a let's just call it a Caribbean kind of planet right right and and then there's there's Mario sunshine There's only five planets yeah, but there are probably ten quintillion colors I'm gonna say the first like hour of it is actually cool right I like the first hour personally I just had a task Yeah, you have a task you have to get a couple of specific things to repair your shit, and you're being introduced to the world You don't really know what's happening. Yeah, and that's cool You don't you haven't learned the parameters of the game yet So that part is like legitimate discovery, and you have like a very specific goal in mind Understand what that goal means it's also super cool the first couple of times you jump onto a new planet by time five You're like it gets really old so much of this game. Yeah It's just looking at a timer counting down you walk around whatever planet you happen to be on and just shoot rocks and plants with a laser Gun I think we described it as Luigi's mansion without the ghost The first half of Wally minus the love story. It's like just doing Wally's job You're flying around in a spaceship.
That's I guess the size of a Honda fit Yeah, and then you're carrying like the tiniest wallet And everything has to fill in that wallet like gas.
Yeah, like in gold all of it's got a fit Toni has to fit in your pocket not a scientist right but plutonium is a is a thing that must be manufactured through a whole process They're just growing it in crystals out in space apparently it is really weird about this game that like every single planet You go to the aliens are already in there And they have like I'm gonna say a thousand settlements on every single planet And then there's these monoliths you'll find then you get like a single word of the aliens language So when you first see that's really cool It's like oh this like ancient civilization is like speaking to me through these stones And then the very next planet you go to you meet one of these like little like Glorps, they're speaking the language like that's those the aliens So they for some reason are building monoliths and just putting a single completely out of context word on it It's bananas to me that you learn one word Yeah, that's like me going to Mexico going right into a library and being like give me your finest single word, please They give me the words for water. I learned that and go back to America and hope to repeat again The aliens ruin everything for me. They ruin everything because you're not discovering anything anymore Aliens already discovered that you fly to some planet. You name it. Let's say we name it Gans topia, and then I find out there's 89 geckos already there, so this whole exercise Completely futile unless it's like a broader piece of commentary on like white imperialism Because I discovered this and we're just like ignoring all the people who are already there I've already named it, but we're not spreading disease and also we're not well as far as we know They all look like the baby from dinosaurs I've literally never gone back to one of the planets I've landed on that game ever have you I keep logging in and I keep having to rename all of my plans It's in animals that I've discovered because it keeps not saving because this game is a piece of the game has literally quit on me While I'm traveling through a black hole every single time You can't know what's on yeah, you would never know I mean I also have a problem fundamentally with the idea that you're soaring from planets planet and countering all these aliens and all of them Understand the concept of shelter.
Why the fuck can't you build a house in this game? Oh, yeah, like that's like the first thing we figured out how to do in human history like it's cold and wet outside I'm gonna go in that cave I'm gonna build like a lean to those aliens are so goddamn smug with their shelter and their storage space So I think we should to be fair give some sense of like what other people on the internet are saying is great about sure Right, right. So most of them have said that they find this to be like a really immersive experience. Yeah, and I would say No for as long as you're on a planet. It can be pretty immersive If you're into what you're doing like if you just allow yourself to Not be angry You'll get the kind of like that feeling like that met Damon in the Martian feeling where you're just wandering around just trying to survive The second you leave the planet it immediately takes you out of it You are in an established universe and you can't take a journey over to the Glee blob home planet Which to me that really bums me out. Yeah, that's like yeah, I want to see what they built over there What they got what's their Disneyland doesn't it feel like this game should have been the the Interactive experience that accompanied a cigar Ross album. Just put it with a gauges virgine or whatever the name of that Remember cigarettes is a thing and like you're gonna pop that on and like and like like laser some face iron And you're gonna be like man have a transcendence experience turn off the sound of this game Just like and laser your brains out, bro Hey everybody, thanks so much for watching our crack response about no man's sky and those of you who liked it I would love to hear why in the comments below as Tom has said we we could be wrong capable of being wrong We're just we're not now.
We're not right now. No, but Make a fool of yourself in the comments below. I'll read it. Yeah, I'll read it I should put your put your wrongness on full display. Yeah below and just you know be ready to get humiliated. Yeah |
cracked | the_horrifying_secret_the_matrix_reveals_about_humanity_after_hours | Miller's Crossing. Why all the hats? A symbol of organizational anonymity you can use to trade power in exchange for lack of identity and capacity for personal human connection.
It's the character's main challenge in the film. Don't mention Cohen's stuff in front of Michael. He always dans out on you. Okay, well, what about the most inexplicable career in Hollywood history? Mmm, too obviously Keanu Reeves. Vito.
Ooh! But that makes me think of a really good one. Okay, bear with me. That's why bear with me. I have a two-pronged thesis this time, so strap in. Prong the first.
It starts with Keanu. Actors, other actors, have a wide range of emotions. But our boy Keanu, in his zen wisdom, goes another way.
Running away from the explosion. Betraying his psychotic lover. Deciding to abandon everyone and everything he's ever known and loved so he can learn the terrifying truth about the world.
Same face. Faces. Ha ha! Theses. It's like confusion mixed with various stages of pre, post, and mid-orgasm.
It's his blue steel. Mmm, taupe steel, at best. Opal aluminum.
That face is called the neutralness, and it's the face that you, as an audience member, subconsciously want in an action franchise. That face allows you to empathize more strongly with the hero of these big-budget blockbusters like Star Wars or Harry Potter or The Matrix. Instead of Daniel Day-Lewis slowing us down with his specific choices and his real emotions and his healing faces, we've got Keanu stone-facedly going through the rollercoaster ride so that we can live vicariously through him.
Whoa. Which brings me to my next point. Have you guys read Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics? You totally ad hoc-walked me. Man, I had a two-pronged thing. I said it. Pinch it off. Like feces. Understanding Comics, motherfucker. Have you read it?
I don't read any books published after 1895. Or before 1895.
Okay, well, it's more of a graphic novel sort of deal, so not really a book. You usually have to read in those, though. They're like the Trojan horse of books. Which is a reference I only understand because of the movie, Troy. Okay, well, it has this spectrum of the way that images interact with our brains.
On one end of the continuum, you've got the Mona Lisa. You've got the little stick figure woman that's on the bathroom door of women's restrooms. Every single painting or drawing of a woman you've ever seen exists somewhere between those two extremes. The Mona Lisa in her beautiful detail, almost lifelike, making you want to get inside of her head. Among other places. I'd bona Lisa. I'd make her a Mona. Whereas on the other end, you've got the stick figure, which is...
What is this? It's not even f***ing hard. Wait a minute, Sorin. I think you've still got something to say.
I'd make her Mona. With my leonards. I'd f*** the s*** out of the Mona Lisa. Sorin, please.
But that little stick figure, restroom woman, can do something that the Mona Lisa cannot. She tells every single woman that passes by that door, Hey, do you see this little woman in her little dress? Well, that little woman represents you. And she's walking into this room and having herself a little pee. That woman is useful because women of all shapes and sizes can identify.
Keanu Reeves is the women's bathroom symbol of cinema. If the point of a movie is to get people of all shapes and sizes to pretend that they're the hero, that's the guy you need. And look up the most successful movie franchises of the last 25 years on Wikipedia.
Or just listen now as I say this. That one.
The bulk of them are cartoons or drawings like the stick figure woman. Or they're superheroes with the neutral mask like Iron Man, Spider-Man, Batman. Or they're movies like Star Wars, Transformers, The Matrix, Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Twilight. Who are the stars of those movies? Not the coolest characters, the main ones. Okay, Luke, Snorlando, Bloom, Chilla Queef, Neo, that girl that's bored, that vampires are real. I bet you can't think of a single time that you've quoted any of those characters despite the fact that those are the most quoted movies of the last 25 years.
I'm Harry Potter, dammit. Quit it, you're quitting. No, you're right.
There's nothing. Exactly. They're all neutral masks.
Vader and Yoda get to say the memorable, quotable lines. I am your father. Han gets to be the cool, sarcastic guy.
I don't have it with me.
Luke gets to be the whiny, skinny kid who thinks adults are a bummer and robots are cool. Not true. That's not a character. That's a demographic. The fourth Pirates that gave Captain Jack his own movie and dropped Orlando Bloom lowest box office by a mile.
In a blockbuster, the cool, smart, interesting character has to, has to, has to be the sidekick. And the hero has to be a bland, empty husk of humanity that we can wear like a costume. It's like a reverse escort mission. We're the dead weight that the interesting characters have to drag around. It's standard wish fulfillment. They suck you into a character that's completely unremarkable, like, well, all three of you, and turn him into a hero.
Me. Turn you into me. Sorry, I misspoke.
Harry Potter isn't particularly heroic. He just left his way through close fault because he's got the right friends.
But he still fulfills the same weirdly specific wish of all those other blockbuster heroes, the superheroes, Harry, Neil, Luke, Frodo, Twilight Girl, Shia LaBeef. They're all just human avatars for, avatar, they're all human avatars so we can relive the same fantasy over and over and over again. The world is a lie, and you, you are secretly the most important person in that world. That's the wish fulfillment. That's what we want, to be famous, a star on the screen, to be important, to be remembered, to be immortal. Everyone wants to be important.
What?
More like obsesses. It's all we talk about. Ever since Star Wars, we've increasingly gone to more and more movies that convince us that we're secretly more interesting and more powerful than the world lets on. We cannot get enough of that story. This is actually my, my, I'm making this argument. This is my train of thought. It's not just movies. I mean, Twitter lets you be the most important newsfeed in the world to your teeny tiny pocket of followers.
Two prongs. I had two.
Facebook lets you produce your very own Truman Show of your life that lives on creepily after your death, a kring-pokes that you'll never return. Yeah, we've created this synthetic universe that just lies to us over and over and tells us you are the one.
But we haven't, yes, but we haven't gotten into the why yet, why we're obsessed with this. The idea of... Because the blue pill option is that we're one of seven billion people on Earth hurling through empty space, wondering if there's a god or not. If anything that we do even matters.
All watching the same movie that stave off the same fear. That we are just like all those teenagers in all those stadiums watching the same movie for the same reason. And that we will be forgotten just as quickly as them when we're gone. Those movies are famous and successful because they know what we want. And in a way, The Matrix was right.
We are spending billions of dollars for the right to create this false world that hides the truth about our universe. But the false part isn't that we're secretly the one and no one told us. No, it's that we might not be the one and in fact probably aren't.
Kinda makes the blue pill even more terrifying than the red pill. Yeah, well too late, I already took the red one. What do you mean, Michael? You took a red pill? The guy, you don't know that guy with the pills?
He specifically said that he came to... Clockwork Orange. He's doing, is he not doing a bit? I thought he was referencing that movie. Oh, he's actually, okay.
We should, check please, check. Check? 911, call 911. 911, please thank you.
Forget the chat. If you're feeling saucy like me, you like our videos. There's, I thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I, what? Thank you. Click subscribe. Think about it. Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and salad. Yay! We got there, we got there. Alright, I'm gonna... |
dropout | sailor_moon_lost_in_translation | From Excalibur to Ex Machina, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. And our contestants today are Amy Vorpahl, coming back. Yes, hello everyone. I can't wait to finally crush these women into the ground. And next to her we have Emma Pfeiff. Hi, glad to be here and glad to use a phrase that's mostly used by men in this fight that includes all women. It's true. And take it back. And we have Steph Woodward. Hi, I'm Steph, and I'm just here to have fun. So Amy was here to crush you all and was here to crush the patriarchy and you're here to have a good time.
I have here a stack of statements. These are untrue statements about the things that you like or that has some huge rabid fandom who is certain to try to correct you on these sorts of things, but your job is to correct me. There's only two rules. You have to proceed your corrections with the phrase Um, Actually, Jeopardy style. I won't give you the point unless you very obnoxiously say Um, Actually.
And you can interrupt me at any point. Just like in real life. You don't need to wait for me to get my point out. Pretty clear, pretty good.
Certainly no experience with any of these phenomena. I have never been corrected on anything I've posted on the internet ever.
I believe, yes, that totally makes sense. We will start.
First question here, which is about Sailor Moon. In the Sailor Moon franchise, each of the Sailor soldiers has a unique elemental power and is named after a planet in our solar system. Amy. Um, actually, I have never seen Sailor Moon and I don't think that it's named after a planet.
I mean, it's right there in the title, which is correct. Yeah, you don't have to think. I think it's too hard. Yeah, the moon is not a planet, but go ahead, Steph. Do you have something to add here? Oh, yeah. Um, actually, I guess Amy won that. There is actually a second thing wrong to that.
Oh, actually, I've never heard them called soldiers. They're called scouts. I've seen both. Um, actually, soldiers is a more correct translation of the word sentry, which is now affixually translated by Viz Media as guardians, which is scouts is out. Um, actually, I've only heard of them be referred to as Sailor Scouts on the TV show. I have not been tripping up with Sailor Moon since 2014 when Hallback got revamped.
Um, actually, so even though I don't know anything, I can't interpret anything that was just said. Did I win? I mean, you did. You did still have the right answer.
We're not going to give her the point just because she had knew more. You were first to do this in the past, we'll give you the point. I will say the other thing that I would have accepted here is also Sailor Pluto. If you want to say the Pluto's no longer a planet, so technically, I guess two of them. Um, actually, isn't there a debate going on about that? It has actually been reopened. Amy, you still get the point for that. All right, we will move on to our next question.
In the poem Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll, we learn of fearsome creatures like the Jub Jub Beast, the Bandersnatch, and the titular Jabberwock. It despite its purported ferocity, someone beheads it with a simple swish swash of his Vorpal Blade. I just got very offended, that was me being offended, not excited. Um, actually, the sword, the Vorpal Sword, or also in the poem, it's also called the Vorpal Blade, makes the sound snicker snack.
That is correct. I can't argue with that, that's correct. I was not expecting an emotional response like that.
Namesake. I mean, that's my persona, because that's my real last name. But Vorpal, it has an H in it, and in German, it actually means boundary pole. Um, so Lewis Carroll made up this world, this word, and I just coincidentally was born into the Vorpal family.
Snicker snack is an odd sound for a sword to make, we can agree on that, right? Yeah. Lewis Carroll was arguably on drugs when he wrote any of Alice in Wonderland. I'm actually pretty sure he was. I don't know if anyone has argued the other way.
Anytime anyone was a freshman in a drama program, they would call me in, like you had to recite the Jabberwocky poem as like the first... That was like your rite of passage? Yeah, like it was the first... Get in here, freshman, recite the Jabberwocky. Well, that is another point for Amy.
This next question is about Lord of the Rings, the Lord of the Rings question. Frodo first gains possession of the One Ring during Bilbo Baggins' 100th birthday, where Bilbo announced that he would be leading the Shire in.
Actually, it's his 111th birthday. That's correct. Yes, it is. It's his 11th birthday. There it is. That is more correct, but I'm not going to give it to you. Yes, 111th, 11D first birthday. That is the answer.
Question? Didn't even finish. That's a point for Emma here. This is a Dungeons and Dragons related question. Sit out. Yeah, just kidding. One of the strangest and most memorable monsters in Dungeons and Dragons is the gelatinous cube, a mindless, transparent, knee-high cube of gelatinous ooze that absorbs and digests everything in its path. Maybe. Actually, there's no way it's knee-high.
It's definitely... I don't know the exact dimensions, but it definitely takes up like a five by five by five foot... It's bigger. It's definitely bigger than that.
Yeah. Oh, it... Yeah.
Actually, it's a thigh size. It's a thigh. Yeah, it's a little higher than knee-high, just because the thigh... Actually, I feel like it's about the size of the chair that you're sitting in, so you're actually being consumed by a gelatinous cube as we speak. Yeah, actually, it definitely can fit a humanoid.
I'm going to change it to a 10 by 10 by 10. 10 by 10 is right. Yeah. 10 by 10 is right.
Do you feel like it's a fun monster to include in a campaign, to encounter? It's just one of those things that you have to fight. It also is pretty creative when you think back that, like, I think it survived several editions, like it transcends editions in D&D. Does it go all the way back to first edition, or is it...
That I don't know. Yeah. I feel like maybe it's the second edition. We'll get our fact checker on the right way. It's like sharks that have survived from... Yeah, exactly.
It's not for respect. I genuinely do not want to know.
It is a first edition monster. It's the first edition monster. It's just like sharks. The first edition monster. It's just like sharks.
We all know something today. Galakas cubes, go back to first edition. I didn't want to include this detail, because it's like, well, this is like deep, deep lore that no one's going to know, but I found it very silly. So I just want to share with you the fact that apparently in at least a campaign or perhaps a some novelization, there is a named gelatinous cube named Glabagool, who... I was wrong.
His name was just going to be like Fred. Fred. Oh my God. It's a nasty one that exists in our nightmare somewhere. That's a sign of anything. There has to be a cube named Fred. And we've got to call in the next Dungeons and Dragons movie, there will be a gelatinous cube named Fred. Great.
That is another point for Amy. And this brings us to our first shiny question of the game. Shiny questions are like shiny Pokemon and that they're worth the same amount of points.
They're just a little bit different and a little bit rare. So this is a game called A Book By Its Cover. What we've done on the other side of these boards, there are six book covers from which we've removed the title and the author. And it'll be up to you to see if you can identify the book from its cover. Whoever can identify the most will get the point. Let's flip those over. Let's take a look at those book covers.
We'll start with Amy. Amy, what have you got here?
Okay. So first up, we've got Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton or Dr. Michael Crichton. We totally forgot about authors. Oh, you don't have to fill in the author. The title is fine. I thought you said authors. I said we removed the author just because I didn't want to give you a thing. I'm just looking for the titles.
No extra credit. Damn it. Okay. This is what I live for. Extra credit. Okay.
So this next one, I don't know what's on it. I got vibes of an airship, which to me, that's Golden Compass.
This is Dune. I didn't know the author, so I wrote David Lynch. Frank Herbert.
Okay. And then the next one, I knew it was Stephen King. I didn't know the title, so I wrote, oh, the movie where Kevin Spacey plays the snarky cat.
That's nine lives. Nine lives.
And then the next one is a Goosebumps book by R.L. Stein. I didn't know the title, so I wrote The Dummy Did It. And then the next one is The Iron Giant, and I also didn't know the author, so I wrote Walt Disney.
Okay. I think you got two here. You got two correct. Okay, great. So let's roll to Emma. Okay, here we go. Let's see what you have here. All right.
So yeah, the first one is Jurassic Park.
Next to that, yeah, it looks like just kind of a marble lost in space, so I wrote Help. My plane got stuck in this marble.
The other cover there, people are saying Dune. I think I had a different cover for Dune, so I just wrote, we're fucking lost, bro.
The bottom one is Pet Sematary. The one in the middle is a Goosebumps book specifically. It is Night of the Living Dummy.
I think. And then the last one is The Iron Giant. You got three correct here. Awesome. Great. And so now we'll go to Steph. Let's see what you got. Ta-da! So we have Jurassic Park. I put Around the World in 80 Days. That's a very good guess.
So my book cover of Dune is very different, but I put this as Dune because it looks like a sandworm chasing Lady Jessica and Paul. I said Pet Sematary, Goosebumps, and then Iron Giant. Everyone guessed Iron Giant the last time.
I'm glad that we all either got it right or wrong. I think you also got three correct here. I'll go to the right answers and you can check my math here and make sure I didn't miss the sign any points here. But can I ask? Yes.
The first one, it's a frickin' lost world. It is Jurassic Park. I was like, this is a trick question. I could have been very cruel and done that, but I was like, no, I got to give at least one gimme up here. I tried to think of iconic covers, two of things that used to be like, I know that book. So Jurassic Park, you all got. The second one that no one got, this is the original cover of Brave New World. Very strange. Not my cover.
I got four. You got four that I miscounted. But well, cemetery was spelled with the S instead of a C. Yes. Oh! That hurt that! I'm not miscounting that.
You got Jurassic Park. You got Dune. You got Pet Sematary.
And Goosebumps. No, but it's the title's not Goosebumps. It is the title's not Goosebumps.
Yeah. The title is Eerie. Night Living Dummy. Which I knew. This third one is Dune. I also had a very different cover of Dune, but this is the first edition. Yeah, the black one with the Dune. Yeah, it's a thing. And two little dots. I was so sure of it, but I have never seen that cover. I was like, fuck yes, sand. That's Dune. That's gotta be Dune. But yeah, Pet Sematary, Night Living Dummy.
And the last one, which you all guessed as the Iron Giant as iRobot. You know what it needed. It was Will Smith on that.
Sorry, Steve! That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. But wait! There's more!
In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. To watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.666666.
First person to buzz in for each of these and identify where we are based on the map. We'll get, oh, we'll get a sort of tally. Alright, let's go ahead and take a look at that first map. Where am I? |
cracked | disney_owns_you_the_jim_henson_company | Hi, my name's Michael Swain, and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls, and we need your help to get it done. Please, head to seedandspark.com slash fund slash papa hyphen bear to find out more and see how you can get involved and earn awesome rewards any Cracked fan would at least not hate.
Probably. Thank you for coming today, Mr. Henson. I'm sure it's quite a long walk considering you've got no legs. Or is that rude to point out? Okay, first of all, it's Henson. And I am not Jim Henson, okay?
He's dead. Watch his funeral. You'll weep like a grown man.
Sorry, sorry, Henson. Oh, don't know what I was thinking. Either a shitty band or a shittiest soda. And how is one to refer to, no offense, but what's the preferred nomenclature for, you know... For what, a puppet? A mindless, soulless puppet? I wasn't gonna say that.
You have no idea how much effort this requires of me, so I hope you appreciate the passion behind it. I am a goddamn muppet. I have to say, you are a lot broader than I expected a Henson Muppet to be.
Well, Oscar the Grouch. True. No, no, Oscar's not a muppet.
He's a homeless little person who refuses to leave the set. He wears our skins that he may walk amongst us.
Oh, well, I guess you are the meanest Henson Muppet. Oh, I'm not a Henson. I'm one of the Muppets from Chappelle's show. I am Jim Henson Company's head legal counsel. And yes, I happen to be a Muppet.
Is that all right? What do we all look alike to you? This is going off the rails really fast. The letters of the day are F and U. We really did not mean any offense. We are all really big fans here at Disney. Hey, lucky for you, it's not up to me. I'm just a humble functionary. See? My hands are tied.
That was a joke, you assholes. I'd flip you guys off again.
But I need like 10 minutes before I can get it out. Okay, that actually does raise a concern. Are all the Muppets this sexually graphic? Disney has a very strict repressive puritanical policy on that stuff. Oh, us too. We're squeaky fucking clean. Did you know the cocaine cannot affect the Muppet?
Shame. Really? Because it's come to our attention that the labyrinth is about a young woman masturbating to completion for the first time while imagining famed bisexual David Bowie waving his balls around.
That's one interpretation. Look, we're all on the same page here. Just because I'm a Muppet, that doesn't mean I want to get felt up. Ah. Ah, you're a couple of assholes. Ah, this reminds me. What's the sexual harassment law with you guys? Well, in order for us to function, we all have to let someone shield their hands up our asses, so expect some lawsuits.
And this exemption regarding Gonzo, has that been clear? Oh no, he's not part of the deal. The shit they found on that guy's computer, he's going away for a long time.
And do we get the Muppet babies? Because, you know, at least they have legs. Nanny's old legs. Yeah. What's the deal with those Muppet babies? Are they a complete set of new Muppets or are they the adult Muppets when they were babies?
The babies were an experiment gone wrong and they've been disposed of in a closet filled with 1930's stock footage. Let us never speak of it again. Lastly, this is just for the record, we also do not want those creepy, uncanny valley dark crystal latex jobs. You can burn those or whatever it is you do with them. Freckles lay eggs inside them, and the babies eat their way out.
Fine, do that. Do we have a deal? I believe we do. |
cracked | moon_knight_episode_1_explained | You need to watch and explain all of Marvel's Moon Knight show, or I'm going to take control of your body and throw you off a cliff. Why? Because we're trying to do better with, you know, timely search results. Well, count me out! That should stop me from having to explain Moon Knight! Yeah. Anyway.
Alright, so we open with a Bob Dylan needle drop, warbling over some close-ups of hands and ancient Egyptian-looking cloth and shit. There's also a modern-looking glass of water, which gets some nasty fingers dipped into it, and apparently those nasty fingers are attached to a very silly man because he plays the glass like those weirdos you find in train stations. And even sillier, he chugs the water, smashes the glass with a cane, and then pours the glass into what can only be described as ancient crocs, which he then slips onto his feet. This is an elaborate metaphor, linking literal physical pain to the emotional and psychological pain of wearing crocs.
We then get the real Marvel title card, as opposed to Sony's shity inassociation one that you'll see about 12 seconds before you walk out of Morbius this weekend. And then we get another needle drop by a guy Google seems to be saying is named Humperdick, which is distressing because that's what everybody used to call me on campus. But anyway, Humperdick croons over a sleepy Oscar Isaac, who wakes up in a bed surrounded by sand and with a Rubik's Cube on the nightstand. Also, he is chained to a post. Can you really believe men live in apartments like this and don't see any issue?
He also pulls duct tape off the door because realistically, that tape is nowhere near strong enough to keep out an intruder, no matter how hampered they are by glass crocs. Dude, they should reboot Cinderella with glass crocs instead of slippers. Get in, loser, we're getting you a pair of crocs, let's go.
Then Oscar talks to his fish with what can only be described as the most British accent, and then heads outside to be a dick to a janitor for no reason. Anyway, Oscar rides the bus to work or, as they say in England, slaloms the lolly wagon to the jobby and is immediately yelled at for talking to a kid about the pyramids rather than doing his actual job, which is selling gift shop pyramids to kids.
Over and over, his boss tells him he's not allowed to be a tour guide despite knowing a ton about Egyptian history, but why? Is Egyptian History Museum tour guide really that esteem to position? Do they get a lot of applicants for PhDs? On average, UK tour guides make about 20,000 pounds a year, which, I mean, for all I know could be a billion dollars or like eight cents.
I don't know metric. I don't even know what this has to do with Egypt, really.
Anyway, but we also learned that his name is... Steven. Steven, actually, I am... JOHN CENA!
And he apparently has a date with some hot lady in a couple days, even though he doesn't at all remember asking her out, because if you look like Oscar Isaac, you can literally get women in your sleep. Are you asking me out? And apparently they're supposed to go get steaks, but Steven's boss points out that he's a vegan, which of course means that he'll spontaneously combust into a pile of broccoli if he so much as smells a cow. This is presumably the central conflict of this series. After work, Steven catches up with his good friend, the living statue, and he reveals that he's been wandering around at night, which is presumably why he chains himself to his bed and puts duct tape on the door and sand on the ground so he can tell if he escapes at night. Feels like it'd be way easier to just purchase a nanny cam or something, but whatever. He does hope he can eventually ditch that ankle restraint, as it might be a red flag to his new potential girlfriend, but if she's the right woman, she'll actually be super into that kind of thing. Is that so wrong? Stevie, you're absolute rascal.
The living statue says nothing, because he's a goddamn professional. Steven heads home and listens to an audiobook about how to stay awake, but he also tries reading a bunch of books on ancient Egypt, which is almost certainly the best way to not stay awake. But he is a very active reader in that he highlights the sub-header of pages, which seems unnecessary. I like the passages, dummy. That's like highlighting the front cover of Fight Club. I'm gonna wanna remember this Fight Club thing later. Unsurprisingly, he does still fall asleep, and he wakes up in a daytime grassy field with his jaw all sorts of fucked up. He sorta cracks it back into place and hears a disembodied voice call him an idiot and demand he give control of his body to Mark, which is really similar to an audio recording I play in my bedroom whenever a lady friend visits.
Yeah, I tell everybody I'm named Mark, it keeps things simple. Steven realizes he's got a golden scarab beetle thing in his pocket, and a bunch of British dudes with guns start shooting at him, which is very surprising, because their gun laws are very strict over there. The basic cops don't even usually carry guns. Whatever, Steven runs to a nearby village where he stumbles on some sort of judgment ritual.
A guy named Arthur, played by a homeless Ethan Hawke, asks a crowd of people if any of them would like to be judged. One dude says, sure. So Arthur pulls the man's hands together, forces him to cradle a swinging cane thing while Arthur's tattoo wiggles and somehow judges the man's sins, and presumably, if he's deemed unworthy, the cane will swing up into his balls, killing him. Thankfully, he's considered a good man. Then some old lady goes up there, and Arthur's tattoo turns red, which I guess means she's been judged to be evil, but she's like, hey, I'm a good lady, though, and Arthur's like, I don't doubt it, but I guess you're gonna be evil at some point in the future, so she keels over and dies. Not to question their religion, but why go up there to be judged if it might kill you? The guy who didn't die doesn't, like, grow wings or a kick-ass mustache or anything.
I think I'd wait for a bit, if it were me. Especially if I'm gonna be judged for people I haven't even murdered yet. At least let me have the satisfaction of murdering them before I get all judged.
Arthur realizes Steven is in the crowd and demands the gold bug from him. Steven says, sure, I don't care, but when he tries to hand it over, his body fights him. Then he blacks out and kills everybody, and we've all been there, alright? Steven doesn't know what's going on, but like anybody struggling to piece together their life, he steals a cupcake van, even though he doesn't have a license. He's chased by the armed limeys and almost slams into a truck full of cops.
It's chickens, don't worry. There's yet another classic needle drop, and are all these cars American or at least non-British? The steering wheel is on the left. That's weird.
Then this asshole jumps onto the truck and starts smashing cupcakes like my drunk uncle on my seventh birthday, but it's all good because Steven blacks out again and murders him. Wish Steven had blacked out at my seventh birthday. Then fully-conscious, license-free Steven pulls an absolutely insane cupcake van dodge maneuver and then blacks out and realizes he's driving backwards, but I'm not sure why he needs to keep blacking out if the fully-conscious version can apparently drive circles around the Fast and Furious gang while in a cupcake van. Whatever, Steven's about to get shot, but then the bad guys get linear mex machina. Then Steve wakes up, in bed, fully chained and determines it all must have been a wacky dream of cupcakes and cocks.
He looks at his fish and wonders if fish dream of electric sheep, but before he follows that through to its conclusion, he notices that its fin has grown back despite being all Nemo looking the day before. He takes it to his store to tell a clerk this, but they don't care, and nobody cares because then Steven remembers his date anyway, so he goes to the steak store, but is stood up by the pretty lady. He calls her to ask what's up and she says she was at the restaurant two days ago. Apparently Steven has lost two whole days of his life eating cupcakes, which is so far the most relatable aspect of his character. Steven is so distraught over this, he orders a steak, but since he's a vegan, he's apparently never even heard of steak. He just orders the best feeling, the steak, and doesn't comprehend that it can be cooked to various levels of doneness because vegans are stupid. Then Steven walks through the streets and calls his mom, which is something he also did at the beginning of the episode, and I'm wondering if his mother is in fact real.
He never appears to hear a response to anything he says, but to be fair, he keeps saying stay as great as. So how are you going to respond to that? Anyway, Steven gets home and munches on the chocolate he'd bought for his date and he feeds his no longer empty fish some sprinkles, which will probably kill it, and then he discovers a hidden compartment in his wall with some keys and a sick ass razor phone from when I was in high school. That dude is about to slowly text some spicy ass message.
The phone has a bajillion calls to somebody named Layla, but before Steven can call her, she calls him and the phone loudly rings, which is interesting because she says that she's been trying to call him for months, but if his phone audibly rings, how has Steven never heard it before? Even more confusingly, Layla believes Steven is named Mark, which again, is probably just his sex alias. This is further confirmed by her being like, what are you doing with that weird accent? And lady, that is a great question that we are all wondering the answer to. Then she hangs up. And then Steven in the streets, Mark in the sheets hears a disembodied voice again and everything starts shaking like an earthquake and Steven does the sensible thing and immediately runs to the elevator, you know, the safest place to wait out an earthquake. Thankfully, it's more of a brain quake and everything seems to be actually fine other than I guess Steven's glimpse of a horrifying floating bird mommy man demon, which turns into a less horrifying woman. Then Steven wakes up again on a bus, sorry, a lolly wagon, and it turns out that Arthur is also on the lolly wagon, but I'm going to guess that he's not just there to slalom to his in-town jobby.
Steven runs into the museum and is soon confronted by Arthur, who drops a little exposition on him, beginning with the reveal that many of the museum staff are also secret cultists. Like all museums, cause the liberals, I don't know, aren't museums considered liberal probably?
So apparently the doodle bug belongs to Ahmet, an ancient Egyptian god who operated basically like prehistory, precrime, and would preemptively judge people for their sins before they ever had a chance to enact them. Arthur claims that she would have stopped Hitler, Pol Pot, and presumably Chris Rock and or Will Smith and or Jada Pinkett Smith and or Gary the teleprompter operator depending on who you think is the villain here. But unfortunately for the Academy Awards, the other Egyptian gods conspired against Ahmet to keep her from top-cruising everybody before they could do their crime. So 9-11 was the fault of selfish Egyptian gods if you're keeping score at home.
Also Arthur reveals he knows about the voice Steven keeps hearing, and he somehow convinces Steven to do a quick testicle judgment session. Fortunately, Steven passes, maybe? We don't actually see what the wiggly tattoo does, but Arthur says that Steven has a lot of chaos in him. Then Steven runs away and then let him go. And now it's nighttime, or moon nighttime, even. And Steven's forced to take inventory as punishment for being late to work a bunch, but isn't he the gift shop guy? Shouldn't that just always be his job? I don't know. But Steven thinks he hears the dog loose in the museum and he's not wrong, but he's also not right. But before this evil dog thing can eat him and return the little golden insect calf to Arthur, Steven hides in the bathroom.
And that's when Mark decides to finally make himself known. Mark appears in the mirror sporting an American accent and tells Steven he really needs to let him take over so they can kill this dog thing and move on with their lives.
And that's how you know that this show is horror-influenced. Horror movies frickin' hate dogs!
Brief pause. Speaking of sex aliases, I suppose we're supposed to believe the Mark version of Steven asked out that lady from the museum. But then why would Mark stand her up? And would that woman also not be confounded by Mark's American accent or the fact that he says his name is Mark? Or is Mark pretending to be Steven just so Steven could get a date for no reason? Was he trying to be helpful?
I don't know, it doesn't matter. Egyptian hieroglyphics start appearing on all the walls and Steven succumbs to Mark's sweet persistence and I guess he-slash-they transform into a sandy-looking mummy-druid superhero thing that, you know, beats the shit out of that dog. Take that, dog! And that's it. I guess I'll let Jordan drive for another week. |
cracked | when_you_don_t_order_enough_pizza_for_everyone_a_video_by_simple_town | Yo guys, pizza's here! Yes!
Wait, why didn't you get any for me? Dude, you said you didn't want any. I didn't say I didn't want any. No, we asked. We said, who wants pizza? I didn't hear you! Who wants pizza? You didn't say you wanted any pizza. We were under the impression that you didn't want any, and so that's why there isn't one for you. You didn't say you don't want pizza? You didn't raise your hand, so we didn't get you a slice of pizza.
You got me some watercolors. They're so good, I'm so full. I just can't believe you didn't get me the pizza.
Oh, fine babe! We have some cake in the fridge! You got some cake! Oh yeah! Great.
None for me. I had a feeling that it would look like this. I just think it's funny that you didn't get me any. You said you didn't want any. I didn't say anything!
I mean... Are you washing the dishes?
What happened with this cake is the same thing that happened with the pizza. I like the icing. The middle of it is just so full of icing.
Oh dude, I have some rice for you if you want. Wow! None for me. Do you guys want to eat this after the cake, or...? No. Dude, I don't know what to tell you! I mean, what with the pizza and the rice and the cake, I mean, it's all the same thing.
This idea for a sketch video is getting stretched so thin. No it isn't, dude! This is a good sketch idea! This is crazy!
I mean, it makes sense that you said you didn't want to watch television. Yeah, it's the same as the pizza lady who left behind. I can't even see what's funny. But it makes perfect sense! I'm fucking starving! |
SaturdayNightLive | luke_wilson_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Lou Wilson! I mean, they tell you that it's going to be wild, but I guess you never know until you get here how much fun it's actually going to be to do it. You know, yesterday was about a 14-hour day. we were working really hard, so Horatio took me out for a drink after work to blow off some steam, you know? And I actually got back about 15 minutes ago. I don't see how you do that right before the show. I'm worn out. Yeah, well, usually I don't party so hard during the show week, but, uh, Colin Farrell's coming in December. I got to blow up my tolerance. you know, he's Irish. yeah, well, I'm glad I can help you, buddy. Oh, man, but we had a good time though, right? Oh, yeah, great time.
Oh, my god, do you remember? you fought the naked cowboy in Times Square. that was awesome. I haven't laughed so hard since I fought the naked Cowboy in Times Square. wait a second. I fought the naked Cowboy? yeah, dude, check it out. got a picture of it on my phone. Oh, wow. yeah, I guess I did bite the naked cowboy. man, he's totally naked. and, you know, he doesn't even have that good of a body. that's you.
Here, check this out. we've got a lot of stuff we did here. Okay, yeah, that was in the bar across the street. well, I had a few beers there. Oh, okay. yeah, that's us doing shots. so it's tequila time? Yeah. there you go. Okay, I don't remember that. that's us in the emergency room. right. yeah, I don't remember. No, don't worry. it's all good. Toys R Us is in pressing charges, so we're all good. that's us dancing. All right. that's us.
Oh, yeah, they were nice. Oh, yeah. yeah. that's not at the skating rink. remember, you had to go so bad you spelled your name out on the ice? Man, I was so gone, I'm kind of surprised I was able to do that, you know? Yeah, I helped you out a little bit. that's my handwriting.
Anyway, there's the emergency room again. right. let's see. Oh, all right. emergency room once again.
Oh, okay. I remember this. this is that bar by the hospital. right, right there. Oh, yeah, right. they were in town to see the Macy's parade. nice old gal. very nice, Yeah. yeah. those are the husbands, are they? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they are. the husbands. they look kind of mad.
I don't remember them coming in. yeah, you know what? maybe we should skip to the next one. Why? show them. 10-4, let's just skip it. Yeah, let's skip that one. we got a great show. you two is here. |
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