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TheOnion | Zebras_Nature_s_Ultimate_Prey_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_1 | The zebra of the plains is perpetually hunted by a myriad of merciless predators. With no purpose other than to feed monsters, the zebra spends its entire life standing around awaiting a violent death. They are nature's ultimate prey. The zebra paces the earth, patiently going through the motions of life, knowing that at any moment it will end in a sudden shock of pain and brutality. With its black and white stripes serving as an ostentatious beacon to any nearby predators, the zebra whiles away its time before gruesome elimination. Zebra wait on the pantry shelf that is the African plain before something finds it and, at last, remembers to eat it.
The zebra's long face is just one of many adaptations that are able to be violently attacked with ease. The zebra's wide neck provides ample surface area for any attack. But it is the zebra's rump that tends to get the most attention. The zebra's backside has evolved to be large, succulent and equipped with a sturdy tail that can easily be tugged upon when the time comes for the zebra to be dragged to its bloody end.
This zebra's gory conclusion has come but, for many others, the boring story continues. The zebra's natural predators include the lion, cheetah, hyena, crocodile, giraffe, elephant, ostrich and 600 other species. But tragically, changing climates have wiped out many of these predators, threatening the zebra's delicate place in the ecosystem through underhunting. Despite all odds, the zebra lives on, biding its time at mortality's bus stop, waiting to pay its fare in patience and blood so that it may claim the calm of death it so desperately pines for. |
cracked | the_importance_of_reaching_out_to_old_teachers_people_watching_8 | Okay, that's all for now. You will finish reading chapter two for tomorrow, please. Thank you. Ted, would you stay for a minute, please? I guess. What did I do now? You did this creative writing assignment, Ted, and you did a tremendous job. I just wanted to let you know that. Did I? Okay.
This is a really good story you've written. I think you should submit it for publication. I know there are a few youth anthologies that would easily accept this. I can even help you with that if you like. Is it good? I was just kind of writing whatever. Yes, it's extremely good, as is everything you write. You're a very talented writer. It's a rare gift shared by some pretty great people. I hope you're at least somewhat proud. Okay, I guess I'll write more. I think you should. Dear Mr. Dolan, I was googling random shit at 3 a.m. for some reason, and somehow I got from the Wikipedia page for double-decker buses to the website for the old school, and I remembered how you were basically the only good teacher I ever had, so I thought I would write to you and say... something...
I'm not even sure, actually. Maybe this is just weird. You know what? Never mind.
Dear Mr. Dolan, I was cleaning shit out of my closet the other day, and I found some old stuff from school, and I remembered how I basically hated every other teacher except you, and then I looked at the alumni page of the school website and saw the business owners and the dentists and that chick who was on Shark Tank, and half of them were younger than me, and then I wondered why I wanted to write to an old teacher to announce that I'd barely make a living cobbling together various writing and comedy and acting things, and my new book sold 143 copies and the publisher stopped replying to my emails saying, why the fuck would I ever tell you this? So I didn't end up as some creepy guy in a bar making teenage money at age 30 and writing completely unwelcome letters. I had a bad experience instead of something actually significant, and this letter is a brick sailing through your mental window and there's a note tied to it, but you don't recognize the name because why the fuck would you? I mean, even if you did know who I am, this is fucking ridiculous. And I like that Japanese porn where the women have dicks, and I'm hateful and unapproachable and sometimes I'm fucking literally just looking for a fight, and you're a normal man who coaches volleyball and helps in the community, and aren't you glad you had some hand in my upbringing? Isn't it totally appropriate for me to be writing to you? How the fuck's it going? Dear Mr. Dolan, I keep coming back to this letter even though I don't even know what you mean to me.
Like, do other people have this problem?
Dear Mrs. Kincaid, I just wanted to casually and easily wish you a happy retirement in a manner that's entirely proportional to your role in my ongoing existence. P.S., I almost made six figures last year. I know, right?
Dear Mr. Whoever, I literally haven't thought about school since I graduated because it was a smooth and unremarkable experience for myself and my friends and probably most functional human beings. Hello, Professor Gruber.
It was good to see you last night. I greatly enjoy our bi-weekly dinners. It's so wonderful that the friendship that blossomed between us back then has persisted so strongly throughout the years.
Dear Mr. Dolan, God fucking damn it. Dear Mr. Dolan, I'm allegedly a writer, but I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to say. Dear Mr. Dolan, this is the biggest house I'll ever own. Dear Mr. Dolan, everything seems like a good idea at 3 a.m. Dear Mr. Dolan, the first time I had the idea of writing to you, you were still listed as a teacher, but you must have retired by now, because I still have the email address you gave us back in the day.
But I doubt you still use it, so I think this is just a convenient sign that this was a fucking terrible idea to begin with. I don't even remember myself back then. Why would you? Hopefully you enjoy your retirement and get letters from actually successful students and then live out the rest of your years and you'll eventually pass on, never knowing that I think you're...
Um... You know what? Fuck it.
Dear Mr. Dolan, Hi. It's Ted L. I was the lippy, irresponsible kid in your grade 7 class like 17 years ago. I was weird then, and now I'm even more a sketchy, nebulously counter-culture guy whose life barely overlaps with the kind of person you are, or know, or probably ever encounter. And you were a teacher for like 30 years and you had hundreds or thousands of kids and most of them were normal you probably see them at the supermarket with their kids and meanwhile I'm sitting in the dark a thousand miles away in the middle of the night writing the 800th draft of a letter to someone who obviously wouldn't remember me or understand why I would remember you. But there's a point to this, I swear. I do remember you.
I remember the other kids bitching about how hard of a teacher you were and how it was weird that you did the voices when you read books to the class. But me and a couple other kids hated every teacher except for you.
I never fit in, and I remember how you would single me out for extra attention sometimes and I always wondered how you knew to do that. But in retrospect, it was probably obvious that I needed an arm around my shoulder and you definitely did that for me because you're one of those rare people called an adult. Capital A. I am not an adult, but I'm trying to get there, I swear. And if anyone gets there, it's because of the example other people set for us. It's easy to forget how much time we spend as kids with adults who weren't our parents, but who also influenced us, no matter how different we ended up being. And every kid needs that, especially the weird kids. And I've probably blocked out most of my time in the education system, but I guess I've always remembered you.
And I remember you told me it's okay to start a sentence with and because writing has no rules. And you taught me to define stuff like nice and cool instead of just mindlessly using words. But most importantly, you were the first person to tell me I was good at something. And I was like, huh, really? I'm good at writing?
But that went on to form my entire identity. I write for a living now, as much as I make a living. I mean, I keep waiting until I'm officially successful and mature to start thanking everyone.
But I could be waiting forever. I mean, that's not what life is, so it's like this.
Writing's the one thing I'm good at. And I'm glad I'm good at it. So, yeah, I'm writing this to you.
And maybe you won't even read this. I probably missed my chance. And you won't know who the hell I am anyway because nobody keeps their email address from 17 years ago and nobody remembers people from back then either. So maybe I won't even hit send when I'm done.
But even if I'm just talking to myself here, I guess I just need to say I remember you. I need the universe to know that.
You were a fucking really good teacher. So, thanks. It's a rare gift shared by some pretty great people. I hope you're at least somewhat proud. |
dropout | hardly_working_evil_chair | What, I needed a new chair for my bad back, and the guide office Mac said that one is awesome for lower lumbar support, and also something about drawing from the power of the dark arts, but I wasn't really listening. I was wasted. It's incredibly creepy looking, okay? I'm pretty sure it doesn't cast a shadow. And it's making Jeff speak in tongues. Oot shot nay bar limba oot dot mornay. So maybe this chair is carved from the wood, from which Judas hung himself. You know what, Daniel, the proof is in the pudding.
Have a seat. Well, come on, just try it. Come on, I don't want to sit in the... No way, alright? I don't want to sit.
No loving.
Wow! That is one comfortable chair. I told you, I mean, my lumbar was supported, I saw the exact moment of my death, my shoulders feel like jello. This chair is amaizo fantastical. This chair is pure evil. The only thing evil about this chair amigo is how wickedly formfitting the cushions are, okay?
And also that my feet are hooked. I crave the blood of the goat. And that these weird monks follow me around all the time.
Those are all horrible things. New rule, no one else sits in the chair of the devil.
I'm afraid it's too late for you, Josh. And you, Dan. And you, Vinny. Shit. Vinny.
Wow, look at that. He's regurgitating the gold of Nebuchadnezzar. And that's how you know the massage feature's working. Whoa, massage feature?
Now, that's the kind of lumbar support I'm looking for. We all want lumbar support. That's right. Lumbar support. No, back, you spoiled of the chair. Back. Back, I said. Lumbar support. The ocean on the left. Lumbar support. Let's resist chair. So comfortable.
I did it. I resisted the temptation of the chair. But did you fear your soul get sucked from inside you? I did. And I felt my heart turn to ash, and my feet turned to hooves.
All of it. It all happened. Except the genital mutilation thing, Dan. None of that really happened at all.
Yeah, I guess I kind of jumped the gun on that one. But hey, at least we all had an amazon fantastical time, right? Amazon?
The phrase that I coined. I coined a phrase?
No. Damn it, now I don't have a dick. I don't have a dick. |
cracked | being_a_jerk_method_donttouchmethere_com | Face it, you're a loser, a total wisp bag who never gets laid. Hi, I'm master pickup artist The Method, and I have traveled the world over, gathering the most sophisticated techniques for meeting and bedding women. It's called the Being a Joke Method, and all the rules you follow to attract girls in middle school still apply now.
Only now, there's alcohol and body spread involved. Watch as Blaine makes his move on the target. He's confident, he's assertive, and he has a flashy item for peacock.
Hey, what's up? Nothing.
Ugh, you smell you, faggot. Oh my god, where are you from? Up your butt and around the corner. Watch how Tom ups the ante by using an intention grabber technique. Looks like you could use a drink. I guess so. Give me seven bucks, retard. Yeah, thanks a lot, retard. Bartender. What's wrong with you? Are you fruit? Seriously, like is this a gay bar that I walked in in?
It worked when you were 10. It works now. I have a boner. You're cute. I cannot believe it's this easy. The Method will teach you everything you need to know to slay the ladies.
The big push. My place or yours? Yours, dick. The big pull. The fortune teller.
Give me a number. A four. One, two, three, four. Give me a color. Blue. B-L-U-E.
Read it. You are so smart. The super soaker. I'm soaking wet. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
The Method will teach you everything you need to know about dating. Yeah, you're really good at this. Yeah, I am. What are you doing? Go home. And when it comes to sex, you'll never have to worry about dating. You're really good at this. Yeah, I am. What are you doing? Go home.
And when it comes to sex, you'll never have to worry about dating. And when it comes to sex, you'll never have to worry about satisfying a woman.
I didn't finish. I don't care. Would you go home? |
dropout | which_game_of_thrones_character_is_in_your_bed | We were not expecting you to be nude when we did this bed. This game is called Who's in Your Bed? You're gonna do, like, a 20 questions type thing where you ask me yes or no questions until you figure out who's in your bed.
Oh. No, I saw him. He was a big man, even hunched. Is he an actor? Yes. Oh, Christ. Do I know him personally? No. Is he on a TV show? He is on a TV show, yes. Is he on a comedy TV show? No. Oh, God.
Pig cable? Premium cable.
Is he on an HBO show? He is on an HBO show. Oh. Is he on Game of Thrones? He is on Game of Thrones.
The Hound? He's not the Hound. The Mountain? He's not the Mountain.
But this is a You're in the Right Direction. Big lump in your bed.
Game of Thrones. Hodor? It's Hodor! Christian Darrin, AKA Hodor.
How are you? Enjoy! This is not even the strangest thing I've done with a stranger. Do you have something for Thomas? Yeah. Oh! I have this for you. What the ****?
Ancient toads. Well, as much as I'd love to go back to bed, I think we should all hit the streets instead.
Hey, guys. It's Murph from College Humor. If you like that, check out my new show, Middle of the Night Show, Thursdays at 11 on MTV, starting October 8th, and help me get some of that sweet, sweet TV green. That's right. Now I only got, like, three. |
dropout | Sibling_Intuition | Hey, and welcome to Tales from the Closet. This is a show for queer people.
Today we are joined, I'm joined with three people I'm very excited to talk to today. And you know what, I'm just gonna jump right into it. I'm so giddy.
To my left, who are you? How do you identify, what are you up to? Yeah, well, I'm Brad, I'm the director of the show. A good point of reference for you. I identify as a gay man. Yeah, what was that last question?
Your pronouns, I guess, would be he, him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he, him. Right, he, him.
Love it. Well, welcome to the program. Thank you. Oh my god. Who are you? I'm Jasmine, I identify as bisexual. Okay.
And I'm the director of the show.
I identify as bisexual. Cool. And, you know, she, her is good. Love it. Thank you. Welcome, Jasmine, and? Hi, my name is Ken. I am brother to Jasmine. I identify as bisexual as well. Cool. And my pronouns are he, him. Love it, well. Yes, yes, yes. As the listeners can tell, we have an all sibling episode. Woo!
Queer siblings are something that I'm obsessed with. Whenever I hear that someone has another queer sibling, I'm like, yes.
Right, right. And it's really common. It is everywhere.
I just keep meeting them. I keep meeting them.
Yes. This is awesome. It's in the water. This is awesome.
Is it in the, is it in the nature or the nurture?
Right, right. We'll see. Right, right. Uh, yeah. Yeah. A little bit of eat. It's in a fake salad. Yeah.
We did eat a lot of potato salad growing up. We just go through all the products we consumed growing up.
Oh my god, I know. Exactly. I knew how to stretch Armstrong. I love, I mean, I obviously believe it's like genetic, but I kind of love entertaining the idea that my parents made us gay. Yeah. Because they were like super, super conservative. And it's like, I almost feel like that makes a person gay. Oh my god, if that's the ingredients, then there it is.
Check it out, right? Check it out.
I mean, yeah, they always say like, you get the kid that you need for a lesson or something. And I'm like, ooh, yeah, our super conservative parents were like, interesting. Just to add to them, our whole life just being like recalculating.
Right, right, right, right, right, right. OK, OK, interesting.
Yeah, so up top, we usually share some stories from the closet. Do you have any stories that stick out? Could be actually coming out or some weird thing where you were just like, I'm definitely different than everyone around me.
Yeah. Well, when I came out to mom, it was kind of climactic. Ooh. Yeah. So we were, you were out of the house.
And we went to church religiously, obviously. I go to church religiously.
Yeah. Right, right, right, right.
And it was just like this dumb as fuck church that was just so annoying. There you go. And the pastor was this slow talking farmer who was super homophobic and shit. And yeah, yeah, the whole congregation, it was really dumb.
And I had completely come to terms with it by then, but hadn't fully come out to mom. And we were in the car about to go inside. And I was just staying in the car. And she was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I feel like I'm disrespecting myself by coming here.
Wow. That's, yeah, because I'm gay. You know? Whoa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. That is so crazy. You know this?
No, I did not know this. This is absolute new info to me.
Well, because when I came out to mom, it was because she called me and said, I think Brad might be gay. And I went, I think I might be too. It just was like, and one. Bam, bam. You're like, I'm going to go get my name right now. You ain't going to beat me to the point. The ball's in there. Yeah, I truly just was a stowaway on your railroad. You made a whole moment of like, I can't get out of the car. Because I remember when. You were doing a sit-in. And I just said, oh, also, maybe me. Well, I had the opposite sentiment.
Because when we came out to each other, it was so cute. Yeah, it's so beautiful.
We were on a road trip to a music festival in Washington. And I was like, what, 15, 16, and somehow got into a bar in Portland?
Yeah, Brad has always looked truly so old. And I've always looked so young. I still get carded to this day.
They're like, you can't smoke cigarettes. The age is like 16.
And Brad was like, we got to this bar. And we were like, oh, no, Brad won't be able to get it. And he was like, pop the trunk.
And took out a leather jacket. Put on a leather jacket and walked into the bar as a 16-year-old.
No one carded him. They immediately carded me after him.
That is hilarious. It's so funny, yeah.
But I mean, it went down between us where I think you were like, are you gay? And I was like, yeah. And you were like, me too. It was very simple. But my impression was always like, technically, you came out to me first. And I've always been bitter, yeah. Because I was like, are you gay? Yeah, I made the move.
Right, right. So funny. That's awesome. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, what about y'all? You want to go first? Sure.
I have always identified, well, before this as bi-curious. I've had experiences with females since I was a little girl. I just knew. I'm like, OK, that's a thing. And then at some point, I think I've kind of deflected. And if I had some experiences where I've kind of put that in the closet, I'm like, OK, guess I'll just be with a guy. So after three engagements and one divorce, I have recently discovered that I should be on this other path. Females is the way to go. Wow. So a couple months ago, where I was like, yeah, I'm pretty sure this is going down a whole other path. And I'm going to just be out about it, be proud, and not question or hide or just do the whole go to the bars, get drunk, and hit on street women kind of thing.
Good on you. Cool. Awesome.
Whenever you're kind of like, in my experience before I came out, yeah, when I was kind of teetering, that was the option. It was like, go hit on straight women.
It's like, that will be a nightmare. No one is lining up when you do that. No, not at all.
Yes, I've experienced that. So henceforth, back in the closet, and waited several, several years. But I feel so free, so good, so happy. That's so crazy. My 40th year of age, it took a while, but. Oh my gosh, no. We talk about that in this podcast all the time.
There's no late. The idea that we put that on ourselves, like, oh, I'm late. People come out at 70. People come out on their deathbed. That's late.
Totally. Yeah.
I've always felt that I have respect for the complicated nature of just sexuality in general. Yet I don't feel that for myself. I've never had an inkling of attraction to women. So it's very clear cut for me. But I've always been open to accepting that it's not for so many people.
And it could oscillate, and whatever, and be fluid. And that's the thing.
I think some people lose that respect for fluidity. And especially very binary, gay people are kind of like, oh, bi people. It's like biphobia that you feel that's like, pick a side.
And it's like, no, excuse me. Sorry, I thought this was an accepting community. Exactly. Oh, no, honey, you're just on one stop before gay street. Like, yeah. Like, did I pull off the bus, honey? I'm waiting for you in Margaritaville. I'm like, OK, well, I'm not getting off the bus. Right? And still, I feel like tiny.
And I love the idea of Margaritaville being a gay district. Yeah, it's great. It's the new boy's town. Did you like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good.
I feel you. I feel like she's glowing. There's like a glow about her. Then there's some sense of happiness. And she just seems so like, I don't know. It just feels so good.
You too, you too, since you came out. This is already my favorite episode. Right, yeah, tell your story, brother. So like you, I grew up in a conservative Christian family. And so I just felt like I was hearing all the messages coming at me in church.
Like, oh, I just possibly can never. There's not a safe place to land. Who am I going to tell this to? Because it's all wrong.
And then not only that, but I was working in like youth ministry. So of course, I'm like a youth leader.
Like, oh my god, there's no way I can come out here at all.
Oh yeah, what example would you be? Exactly, you know what I'm saying? And we knew, he said they've been working with the kids. You know what I'm saying?
And that weird blurred line between pedophilia and homosexuality that happens only in church. Exactly. So I was just like, there's no way I can say anything to anybody.
So I'll just kind of stay with the ladies, because that's like a perfect cover for me, just to exist in that space. But the reality is, is that I was also having feelings for guys and being completely attracted. And I think now I find myself even more comfortable. I've never been in a relationship with a guy at this point.
Wow. Because I'm still on my journey of coming out. Totally. So here we are, 40th birthday in a month. And I'm like, you know what, it's time for me to really sit, recalibrate, recalculate, and live my authentic self. Yes. So beautiful. So this whole podcast was, we had a conversation about it. I was like, do you want to do this? Yes, yes, it's time, it's happening. This is a part of our journey, right? And it's so organic in the way that it's happening, and that we're not trying to have, we weren't necessarily trying to fly a banner, but just everything has just been falling into place, where we allow our story to unfold in these natural ways. And so here we are, if you listening, I like boys. If you listening. I love that, I love that. That's really interesting, because I think not having a relationship in gay culture, does that feel, I don't know, speaking from the more male, binary, gay experience, is it less common to have a relationship with men? In my life. Yes.
Right. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I have little short sprints of relationships. I don't know if I can project that, but I mean, I see it, I do see it, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not much of the LTR kind of fella. Yeah. Right, right, right. So yeah, I mean, I don't feel like, I guess we're aware of the tropes, or whatever, of gay women coupling up. Right, right, right. The you all joke, you know, okay. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, there's probably some truth to that, like just from my observance. It doesn't feel like, I don't know, like you're not living a gay life if you're not in a relationship. Right.
I think for me, my whole life has been driven by fear, so it was like, I didn't want to associate, I couldn't even go to West Hollywood, like somebody go see me at WeHo. I don't want anybody to see me driving down the street. So I was fearful of everything in the community, right, because I was afraid that I would be identified and thus outed.
Yes. Properly identified, probably is like the heart of that, yeah, right. So it was just like, let me stay away and kind of live in this whole little bubble, and now, I feel like, man, so you missed out on some things because you don't know where you could have been at this point. But I'm also happy with the new exploration, right? Yes. And like this is my time, and so like you say, I don't have to think about what could have happened or what should have happened, just exist in the now. Absolutely, yeah, totally.
What do you feel like, do you feel like you would want a relationship with a man or does it still feel too early? Where are you at and when did that switch? I feel like I would definitely want a relationship with a man simply because I denied myself all of those feelings to be valid in the first place.
So maybe had I just been on a normal unfolding of all of that, I don't know where I would be now, but since I denied myself that part, then that's the part that I feel needs to be satisfied. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So it's just like, you should explore that part of you because for so long you denied it. Well, that makes sense with feeling bisexual too. You're like the opposite sex part of you. You're like, well, I can explore all of that and be fine. So this other part kind of got weak or anemic.
Exactly, no attention.
Absolutely. Are you curious about, I guess, how that will feel? How you'll settle in with a relationship versus how you've had it with women, I guess. Yeah, I am curious. I'm curious for you. Yeah, me too. What's that going to feel like?
I'm going to feel like Indiana Jones, the Temple of Dicks. I'm so excited, yes. I want a ball to be chasing me down a tunnel. I am excited. I am so excited.
I'm curious. What would that look like? I thought about that. So if I meet the man of my dreams, is my family going to come to the wedding? Ooh, I'm going to learn. All these things. All these, you know, we talked about it. Different, OK, what's going to happen? A lot more recently, yes. So what does Thanksgiving look like if you bring somebody here? I don't know, it's just. That's going to be all new.
Does it feel like, I mean, I know I've felt this. It feels like, oh, at least I have one person. Yes, yes, yes. I've gotten closer and closer.
Do you have other siblings? We have other siblings. There's a total of five of us.
You laugh at that? I don't know what I am. Why don't you laugh, Jasmine? I like to laugh, that's what I do. You have siblings, that's funny.
Yeah, there are five of us.
I imagine, are you the only two queer-leaning? Yes. Definitely.
What we decided to do was, once we started talking about it, we said we need to go to more safe spaces for us. So every other Wednesday, we go out to WeHo and just hang out and just allow ourselves to bond and connect in a safe place. Never done this on this level. Right, and so we've been doing that for the last two and a half, three months. Every other Wednesday.
It's so new, it's exciting. We get so excited and stop off at one place and just kind of have a few drinks, and then we'll go to another spot. And it's just nice to be out.
And we have each other for that. Exactly. Oh my god, I love that. Putting yourself kind of in the world. A little dipping a toe in. Right, right, right. Together. Exactly. So it's really dope. You guys had kind of a similar timeline in coming to this spot you're in now, right? Which was like us. Totally. So that's super cute. I had this time, yeah, the whole time, as we're discovering things about gay life, we're kind of corresponding with each other about it. It's just amazing to have that in your family. Absolutely. With the history you share. Do you feel like you guys knew about each other?
Or was it like, wait, what? I wondered, I wondered.
I mean, he's in the acting world, so he can kind of get away with some stuff. He's just like, I'm always wondering.
I've seen him with certain friends, and I wonder, I'm like, oh, they'd be a cute couple. I wonder if they're a couple. Are they a couple? Yeah.
So I've wondered, but I've never asked them. I'm like, he would let me know. I'm like, he should let me know. He would let me know. I didn't think he would keep it from me, so I've always wondered, but I didn't know.
At what point did I say anything? Did I confirm that for you? Just last year. Just before that show you did.
Oh yeah, that's right. That's right.
This is all new for us. I love this. This is all new for us.
Oh my God. And I wonder, but I wasn't sure. I thought you had come out, though. I was teeter tottering. So yeah, I would play with the idea, you know? I always thought you were much braver than me, because I was just like, oh my God. What me?
You're out on stage doing your little skits and stuff. I'm not talking about me and with poets.
Yeah, it was awesome, though. I always felt like she was strong. And I was like, oh my God, that's so amazing.
What? She's living her life. Really? Yes, I did.
Oh my gosh, you're so scared. I'm so scared.
Put your skirt together. So right now we can be here supposed to get in here. Yeah, it's all of us just clutching each other. Just watching down through life like, OK, not alone.
It's dope. I love it. I love the fact that we do have each other. Because I can call her and be like, oh my God, so this is what's going on. I need to bare my soul real quick. I appreciate you for that. I do. I really do.
It's made us closer. It really has. It's made us closer, because we already are a close family. But obviously, this binds us together in a whole nother level.
Do you guys think, just outside of being queer, I've noticed a weird thing that even with an age gap between us, Ally and I would hit these landmarks at really similar times. Even besides coming out, there were a lot of other things where it was like, this new experience. And they're like, me too. And it's just like, have you noticed that outside of queerness? Just kind of, because you guys are pretty similar in ages.
OK. Yeah, yeah. So that would make sense. Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. At some point, we're like, well, we are close anyway. Right, yeah. You look almost twins, right? I know. And we'll be like, oh, yeah, pretty much. Twinsies. And we've also had similar personalities growing up. So we'd take family vacations to go camping, and RV trips and stuff. And so I think we would grind ourselves coupled up anyway. Yeah. Oh, totally.
The two that were close. Yeah, our genetics knew. Our genetics knew. They knew.
So we didn't know. We had no idea.
Yeah, but what are you talking? You mean like life experiences, like big jobs, or like what you're thinking about at the time? Just really random shit. Like what's the last thing I could remember that we were both like, oh, OK.
I was saying to Ally, like, in relationships, I always feel like a baby. Like that's a weird motif. Every guy I date eventually refers to me in some language as like a little baby. And I was like, it's weirdly kind of insulting, but like that's babies are endearing. And I think it's like part of the appeal. You know, like it's fine. And then I was like, oh, I'm always the one who cries way more in a relationship. I'm just like a weepy cancer that like if like a commercial comes on, I'm like, that's really weird. So it's just weird bonding points that are so random. And I'm not expecting to like share this with them.
Oh, we have that in common. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, I get that.
It was funny, though, growing up because we were both pretty like gender flopped, I would say. At least when it came to like things that we liked. And I find myself being like non-binary and not, you know, female, capital F. But yeah, we would get like toys.
I would get like a bead bracelet making kit. He would get like underworld action figures.
And we would be like, you know. Which had to be a big indication to her parents. I know. I'm like, come on, you saw that shit. You know what's funny is I talked to mom. And she was like, yeah, we always knew Brad was gay.
Just me? Bomb. Just me and not you.
Because being a tomboy is fine. Because of sexism. Because of the patriarchy. Like feminine boys were all like, oh, no, something has gone wrong. Masculine women were like, cool.
Yeah, that's dope. Oh, look at her. Good. Change her oil. Yeah. She could change her oil.
He's making a dress. Oh my god, did he just make a souffle? I'm talking about Brad and the police. Souffle must be gay. This is the most amazing omelet ever. Oh my god, he's gay.
Well, this brings us perfectly to our haunted word today. Today's haunted word, it's really two words.
But it is sibling intuition. So this is fully what we're talking about. But let's broaden it to the rest of the family. Have you talked to other family members? I don't know about you, Brad. Do we have other siblings?
No. You didn't know about Michaela? I didn't. Oh my god, Michaela.
Did you ever come out to any other people in our family? I don't know that I did. I think that dad did, which is weird. He should have let me. The extended family, I don't remember. Honestly, I might have.
But it was just really not climactic. Because on our dad's side of the family, we had a gay uncle. And he kind of blazed the trail, I believe. He desensitized them to gay a little bit.
And he got all the weird, awkward questions like, is Will and Grace exactly what it's like?
I can remember them asking that. Really? Oh, no. Is it realistic? Maybe if you live in New York, it's like, I don't know. It's their lifestyle. Right, right.
And then I guess I never directly told people on mom's side of the family.
They're all like upstate New York hicks. Love you guys. Just very blue collar, frickin' last time. Billy Joel type people.
No, no, Bruce Springsteen. That's what I meant. I was like, didn't you do Bruce Springsteen?
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes, yes. I was like, I'm not going to judge. Thank you, thank you. I'm glad you knew.
No, I don't know. That's a funny question. I've never really thought about it.
But also, like you had mentioned before, and you guys have touched on being in control of how you're coming out, you're not ashamed, but you're not reaching out to people you don't fucking care if they know or not. If they find out, it's fine. So I'm not super close with a lot of my extended family, and I just didn't care to like, let's sit down and talk about this. I'm like, if someone tells you, I don't care. Yeah, I got you. I was like, I'm not telling someone I have some disease. So I felt like it had such a negative connotation sometimes.
Could everyone please sit down and lower the lights.
The results are in. I like penis.
I mean, it's just like, oh my god. So I just felt like. What was the test for that? Oh my god.
Two drinks. No. Two. Two drinks.
Fears. I feel like there is no need for it to be ominous, and foreboding. And so I just felt like it should be organic and natural.
And I haven't come out to our dad. I haven't come out to him.
Parents don't know. Our parents don't know.
So I just feel like, oh. Part of me, there is fear, because we're such a close-knit family. I think there's the fear of loss of what will be on the other side. And so I have to admit that, and I own that part. But the other part of it is, like you said, I don't just need everybody hitting me up talking about, oh my god, we heard it.
If I bring somebody and you ask me, yeah, that's my boyfriend. Right. It's like a different level. Me being in control of it in that way. If you come and hang out with me long enough, you'll figure it out. Or you know what, you'd be surprised. You're not as always in the closet as you think you are anyway. Right. That's true. Yeah.
People be wondering. So maybe people already kind of know. People do wonder.
But nobody asks. Nobody's asked me about you.
But for me, I've told my niece, Taylor, and my two brothers.
And they were very accepting. And they're like, oh, that's great. Good for you. Oh, great. Be happy. I'm like, OK. Yeah. Very supportive. Cool. Very awesome.
Yeah, our siblings know about us. Our sister. Well, no, my sister does too. Oh my god. They talk to my sister.
I totally forgot. I was scared to talk to her because she's the oldest.
I was going to ask.
And she's not too happy with her daughter, who's out.
Oh. That's right. We have a trifecta. But you're probably helping that situation out. I hope so. Surround them like gays that they love. It's so hard to be the early, where you get all the pressure on behalf of everyone. And then everyone gets to kind of skate through. But it's important. Yeah.
She did ask me. She goes, what should I do about Taylor? What should you do? She was asking me how should she be. But it was not in a bad way. She wanted to know. How could she be there for them?
And then she was also trying to process it with me. So I felt like I think we do have a positive influence in helping her be a better mom about it. She took it very well with me. I was so surprised. I was like, oh, she's like, oh, that's great. I was like, right.
Exactly. Yeah. I love it. Exactly. OK. Thank you.
I was surprised. I was in the kitchen sweeping. And I just told my brother. You were like, over your shoulder.
Why? I don't know. We were having a very random conversation.
And I was like, yeah, because that guy is cute. He's like, what? I go, oh, shit, did I just come out to him? And I was like, yeah, yeah, that guy, da, da, da. And he's like, wait a minute. You have a boyfriend? I was like, no, no, I don't have a boyfriend, but da, da, da. And he was just like, oh, OK. And he's like, well, who else knows? And I started telling all these people that knew. And he's like, so you didn't?
I was like, oh, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Oh, God. You got a penis, so you didn't tell me? Like, I'm number 11. And I was like, I don't know.
You're so conservative. Are you? I'm so conservative.
Yeah. Right, right. I was like, no, no, no. It's all good. It's all good. And he's been super accepted. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love it.
Well, that's the thing is you're so worried that they don't know any gay people. And the only way to fix that is to let them know that they know gay people.
He's like, oh, gosh, it's so scary. It's such a balancing act. You're like, well, if I get three more people that they know who are gay, I can just hop on. Right, right, right.
I will say, our mom, she was not like Shirley Phelps. She wasn't holding the signs crazy aggressive. But there were reminders growing up that like, it's wrong.
They're going to hell. It's really sad, but they're going to hell.
Yeah.
There was a little bit of that. Because it was so religious. It's just like, well, this is what the Bible says. And I will say, she at least felt like she was trying to come to terms with that. Even when that was her belief, it was like, yeah, it's really crappy. That's what we're told.
But there's still some anger that I have to wrestle with that's like, if she knew you were gay from the very beginning, why were we at church every Sunday? And why were we at that church every Sunday?
You can find, I'm kind of like, I think she had a lot on her plate and was like, oh, I'm going to have kids go to church because then they become good people. It's kind of like getting help and raising good kids. But it's like, the drawback from that is my whole life I'm hearing wild messages about how something in me is wrong. As I'm developing as a human being, the most crucial.
Yeah, super not helpful.
But I'll say, when I came out, when Allie came out, I saw my mom really flip it. And it was like, yeah, I felt very much helpful to that. It felt really nice that I could change somebody's mind.
Yeah, that's awesome. That's good stuff.
Because you don't really realize how important you are. Maybe you kind of like minimize that in your mind. And you're like, oh, this is going to make them really upset or they're going to be gone. But it's like, no, you're really, you're their family.
Of course. We were only two kids. She's got a choice to make. It's like this ideology versus your flesh and blood. Yeah, totally. But unfortunately, you do hear about parents who disown their kids or whatever. That is so unimaginable.
I always make the argument when people say, oh, being gay is anti-evolutionary. I think abandoning your offspring because of their lifestyle is anti-evolutionary.
That is so unnatural. That's so unnatural.
No animals do that, right? A lion just being like, I'm going to peace out.
Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah. No, it's so true. That's a good point when you say that like that.
Absolutely unnatural. And it's unfathomable to me. No kidding me?
You just kicked them out and it's raining and cold. I know, it's raining.
It's always that. But that's what's interesting too. I heard someone once say, give your parents as much time as it took you to come to terms with it. Which is like, decade. Right, right, right. You know, but yeah. Everyone's kind of struggling with it together.
So I understand if the day after my mom was like, I wish I could rewrite the Bible and make it OK. That was like her condolence, which was like, in her own language, beautiful. You would do that? But still, the bottom line was like, well, the Bible says what it says.
But then, yeah, as like months and years progress, now she's like, she like leads like a study group for people with gay kids. She's like always trying to like tell people that her children are gay. She's like an advocate now, yeah.
Totally. That's amazing.
Did y'all find that people started, when you were coming out to friends and family, they start sending you stuff like, oh, you should watch this episode of The Simpsons. There's a drag queen. Oh my god. Like, first of all, let me tell you what to watch. My brother is so sweet. He was like, I think you should watch this episode. Are you serious? What episode?
And I'm like, oh, he's trying to be, he's trying. He's trying to be sweet.
Well, thank you. He's like, you want the pink donut? Oh my god. No, I don't. I mean, yeah. But try to be sweet, you know? Right, right.
Any time a straight guy is like doing stuff like that, it's like so cute to me. A little shred of sensitivity, like, piquing. Honestly, the bar is just simply so low. Are you being sweet?
My friend was like, you need to watch the episode for Masters of None, where What's-Her-Name comes out. I did just see that. That was really good. I mean, that wasn't an Emmy, right? That was a big one, yeah. Angela Bassett, it was amazing. But I just thought, he was like, you really need to watch that. I think you would really like it. And I was like, OK, well, thank you, man. It was amazing. That's a great episode.
It's like that episode of Ellen back in the day. Right. What are you talking about? Ellen comes out on the show that she's on. On the sitcom, yeah. And then it got canceled. In real life? Ellen came out in real life, and then they wrote it into the show. And then it tagged the show. And then the fuckers canceled it.
Yeah, that was a big deal. That was a big deal. That was a huge deal. Yeah, imagining the heat that you got at that time to come out is so crazy.
They were like, no, you can't be. No. Yeah, they were like, actually, no. Do you guys remember the kiss, like a historic kiss on Will and Grace, I think? It was like the first male-on-male kiss on NBC or something like that.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's crazy.
Did that happen? Did that mean something to you?
I mean, maybe I might have been closeted enough at the time or something. I can remember seeing two men kiss on an internet page. That was insane to me. I had just never seen it. It was like, yeah. Well, that is so hidden. But women kissing was everywhere. I know. So it was like, OK. Brittany and Madonna at the time.
But it wasn't real.
And it was scary, honestly. The way that it was done felt so scary. I was like, I don't want to be a part of that. And like a shock jog thing, too.
Yeah. Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. Brittany's kissing. Right, right, right.
It's so sad.
Was there any media or something that stuck out growing up that you remember seeing yourself in it? Or who did you identify with growing up?
Yeah, that's a good question. That is a good question. Like a gay role model? Yeah, or even just something. I don't know. Yeah, what was there?
It feels like we were all raised very similarly.
Right. Really religious. Where this material was not very accessible. Right.
I remember if you, like RuPaul was real big in the 90s, right? MTV and Supermodel. And I remember turning the channel if someone came in.
Like, you know, that kind of stuff. I don't want to even be associated with watching it because it's like, why are you watching that? The fear is real. It's just there and controlling. But thinking, that's amazing.
Because at one time, RuPaul had a talk show. Like at the late night talk show. And I used to watch that. But you find yourself watching stuff like at night.
Totally. I used to watch Real Sex, I think on Cinemax. That was my education. I was like, ooh, Real Sex.
Everybody's sweet. And so it was like, oh, cool. There's little slices, you know?
And I almost feel like in a way that it's not a wholesome introduction. Because you're always forced to find things in places that may not be so on the fringes, right? And that's the thing where I would feel like, oh, this sucks. I don't want to embrace my sexuality that way. Yeah, like it's a dark hidden secret, you know?
Fringes and stuff. And that's what happens when you take it out of the mainstream. Where I guess now kids have whatever, modern family, any of these shows.
It's kind of like 11 Couple. It's in a comedy, they're main characters. Versus at night, everyone's asleep. I'm on the 1000 channels trying to find two people who look like me kissing.
Yeah, exactly. If there's anything I could change, I would want to change that. And be able to say.
But now, there's some amazing stuff like Moonlight. Oh my god. I was like, are you kidding me right now? Someone who looks like me? And we're talking about the same as far as sexual. Oh, it was amazing. That was, I think, my highlight. And we had to wait this long to get it. I was ready for Moonlight. That was amazing for me. So that would be nice. Can you imagine, I guess, hypothesize how that would feel to watch as a boy, rather than make sure movies are like that? Oh my god. Is that a lot?
There's a scene in the movie where they're sitting on the beach and they're like teenagers.
And there's that, all this tension is going on. That's how I was feeling that night. That was you.
I was just like, oh my god, he's so amazing. He's gorgeous.
But there's no way I can act on that at all. Like it's so close, but such a barrier.
Yes. God, yeah, that would have been amazing. Was there anybody for you that you like? Not that I can think of. On TV or anything. Honestly, no. I mean, yeah, if we're talking about queer media people from the 90s, it's like, you know. Well, it is there to choose from. What? Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Truly just what? Ellen? Right, yeah.
Rosie? Rosie wasn't even out yet. I think it was just like, some women are like that. Some straight women are like Rosie.
Exactly. Yeah, okay, well, we have some viewer submitted questions. So excited. First answer is a panel, so we'll just hop right into those. Okay.
One of my younger cousins, still in middle school, came out to me a while ago. Our family is pretty conservative, including her parents. Would it be wrong of me to take her to events like Pride or something at the local LGBTQIA center without them knowing?
Right now, I just offer an ear, and maybe that's enough. I don't know about the right and wrong of it, but I could see myself doing that. Just like taking them to Pride? I don't know. Like taking them to Pride? Pride's a lot. I don't know. I mean, maybe the parade. Yeah, yeah. And it's just like, they're in middle school, yeah, it wouldn't be.
Night Pride. You're not taking them to like, the other Pride. No, no, Night Pride is different than Day Pride.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would definitely be wrong. Right, right. Oh, that's a good one.
I think the idea of wanting to support somebody in their development is great. So like you said, maybe it may not be that event, but just offering a safe place, and maybe going to, like let's say you go to the city, and let's just have coffee, so that you can see other people showing public display of affection. So then, mom and dad can't be mad. Well, we just went to get coffee. It just happened to be in this one part of the city. So I feel like, don't ask for permission, but ask for forgiveness. But like, make it this not so clearly labeled event, where you know you're gonna intersect with queer people, and they can see the happy life they're having. I like that idea of a city. If they're in like a smaller town, oh, let's go hang out in the city, because at least it will feel, it'll give you that space.
Actually, what you said made me think so much when you said at night, watching Cinemax and stuff. Night was so important to me growing up, because we were born into such a pressure cooker of conservatism, and just conservativism, and just being like, everything is wrong. And then at night, you was like, oh, fine, we're in this space. I could watch whatever, I could sit there and think, and I didn't feel like someone was watching me, but I could feel a city would probably do that too.
Get them out, get them away in this different area. You can be in control of that environment.
I'm like, oh my God, look at two people kissing.
Yeah, yeah, that could be nice. Butch just is groundbreaking, maybe. Right, right, exactly. To kinda normalize it. I also feel like, I mean, maybe, I wouldn't wanna add any more pain to where there is, but maybe you could talk to their parents a little bit more, even if they are really conservative, push a little bit, give them a little bit more credit with their kid, but I mean, I don't know the situation, so I don't wanna give information that would make it inflammatory or something like that. Yeah, that's a good one, that's a good one.
That's a good question. I wanna know. The answer, I don't know. I know, I know, right?
I feel like, in my experience, when someone's just like, oh, noted, they're not overly apologetic, like, oh God, I'm so sorry, oh, I'm so sorry. Because that kinda like- Because it almost puts pressure on you to alleviate their feelings, and it's like, that's not. Or if someone feels like they're not really passing, and you're like, I'm so sorry, you're almost harping on the fact that they are ambiguous, gender-wise.
Right, right. I feel like a calm, like, oh, okay, got it. And then actually get it. Actually gotta switch that in your head.
I can remember around the time that Ally was starting to identify as non-binary, it was like, because I've been talking to some people at the bar that I work at, a few different people have talked about their kids or someone they knew who is non-binary, and they're frustrated. They're like, oh, it's so hard, it's so crazy.
And I'm like, you know, it's literally practice. I can understand getting tripped up, but do it enough, and it's second nature, and you're respecting them, and you're there for it. But there were times when I was slipping in the beginning, and I felt especially bad because it was around our mom. And yeah, I think that was kind of the deal, is I was just like, hey, Ally, I'm really sorry. I just kept saying the wrong thing, and just a quick thing, because yeah, I get that. And I would be like, thank you so much. Even noticing that you noticed that you did it sometimes is like, oh, that's sweet. Right, and it's important to me too.
Aww. It's sweet. It's sweet, brother. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, I totally agree.
And it's also kind of like slang, like when people are like, oh, they, them, is so hard to remember. It's like, they're mad that language is changing. Like, you can't always change it. You cannot stop that, yeah, yeah. Think of the slang words from two years ago. It's like, that sounds crazy now.
So it's like, you were able to keep up. You keep up all the time.
No, Katie, come on, yeah, that doesn't happen. Yeah. All right, hello, my name is Dustin.
I've been a soldier in the US Army for about nine years, and I've been out to my fellow soldiers for six of those years. Don't ask, don't tell policy being removed got me to come out a year later.
Since my time in the military, I've felt as though I've had to be the biggest cool guy of all, and mainly be the first to the gay joke before anyone else in order to gain acceptance. Have you ever felt like a sellout to the gay culture so people would lighten up around you? Or put down someone else in gay culture to make yourself feel better in a group?
Mm. That's really big.
Yeah, I'm like, no. No, good for you. That's a no. It's good for you. No.
I think one time I said that I was gay instead of bi because I felt like I didn't want to deal with the looks. Ooh, that's interesting. Because I felt like if I say, then it's like, even within the community, I have to explain myself still as to what that is. And then I think someone came at me, and they're like, well, you know, we don't say bi anymore. And I was like, huh? And they're like, yeah, because we don't want to just reduce people to two. So I think what you really mean is that you're pansexual. Oh, they're telling you what you are. And I was like, well, I appreciate that. I said, but I'm new to the parties. I'm still learning about, and I'm still discovering. So I didn't mean to offend, but I felt offended, because it was like, yeah, it's also like, don't tell me what I am. Right, and I was just like, oh, and I felt like that was in my head. So then sometimes when I'm meeting people, I'm like, okay, make sure you, no, say what you, like, this is who you are. Don't feel like you need to water it or change it to be more, so other people think it's okay. Like, yeah, but that thing in the beginning, that kind of stumped me. Oh, that's hard. And I was like, oh, dang. And plus, I'm new, and I'm like, oh, okay, so I gotta, okay, all right. You know, almost I'm like, wow. Like, they gave me a lesson.
Oh, gosh, that's so irritating. LGBTQ 101, we don't do that anymore. We don't say that anymore. And I was like, well, it's still B. Y'all still say LGBTQ?
Right, yeah. The B didn't go away. The B no more. Why is it still on the shirt? The B is actually for Bayezard. Yeah. You didn't know what that means to you? I thought I was the B. Yeah, I was the check and the B. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still on the shirt.
I didn't know. Also, I didn't know why people need any more bullshit to deal with.
Yeah, I know. And you're not even buying it. It's like, okay. God, all this, like, creating little factions. Yeah, exactly. Like, I just, I get, I'm sorry to say it, but in the queer community, I've seen a lot of that, of just creating smaller and smaller factions until it's like tiny, tiny, tiny categories. And I love full acceptance, but that feels like derision, not acceptance.
But it's like, leave the door open. If you're moving through rooms or whatever, leave these doors open. Don't shut it behind you and be like, that's no longer a room.
Right. No one else can be in there. Right. Because I'm over here now. It's like, come on. Yeah, just include. Don't take it out. Yeah.
Well, on this question, I think it's actually really big to even admit to yourself of this going on, what he's saying, that he's kind of really, it sounds like kind of accommodating to straight men energy. And maybe for a lot of these guys, they don't know a lot of gay people. So he's like, yeah, I'm their intro gay person. And I've felt that way before in a group of especially straight men that I have to be a little more palatable to them.
And it's sad. I'm truly ashamed to have ever done that. Because it's kind of almost vaguely self-hating. It's how I felt about it.
Totally, yeah. Absolutely.
And I don't know, I think it's really big of this person to just even admit that to themselves and present this question. Because, yeah, I've experienced that too. Where it's like, not even necessarily self-deprecating, but like, yeah, I'm like a super double man, but gay, that can happen. And it's like, just be authentic as much as you can. In this macho world, trying to kind of navigate it by. It's just like a severe energy sometimes.
Yeah. To the person that submitted the question, just bravo to you. And I think we're all gonna make mistakes as we go through our journey of discovery. Yeah. Right? But it's all a journey to your truest self-hating. Absolutely. Yeah. Totally, yeah. Yeah, that's great.
So best of luck. Yeah, best of luck in the army out there.
It's a big, big job. Fighting two wars.
Yeah? I don't know. It's continuing. Do you know this person? No, that's a lot, yeah. We're all just sitting with the idea of being gay in the military. And we're like, that sounds harrowing. I don't know, yeah, I don't know.
Maybe it's not. I hope it's not. I hope it's normal.
Right, right. Moving on. Okay.
Hello, I recently came out to my parents by telling them that I have a girlfriend. They were pretty okay with it, it was no big deal. However, they won't let me tell anyone else in the family. I was wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this. It really feels nice that my parents don't care about my gayness, but at the same time, why can't I tell anyone?
Is there age for that? Nah, nothing.
Yeah, that's hard. It's like you're getting half acceptance and half a little bit of shame, maybe. The implications to me would be like, you're okay with it yourself, but you don't want other people to know. That's like, it's shitty.
Get right, parents. I think other people are gonna find out though. Yeah, come on, you can't stop this. She's with her girlfriend all the time. They're gonna find out, so don't worry. Yeah. They're gonna find out.
Because it's like, how long is that gonna be your best friend? Yeah, right. Take one year together. I can remember our gay uncle, his roommate, he bought me like a $500 telescope for Christmas. I'm like, come on. You're such a good roommate. Yeah, wow, yeah. I know in the African American community, that is the go-to, oh no, that's just her roommate. Right, that's your auntie's roommate. For 20 years. Right, exactly.
They don't know Cruz again.
Yeah. Right, a gay cruise.
They have matching rings, right? That's just your auntie's friend, Tina. That's a roommate ring. Tina.
You're like, okay. You make sure you get down on one knee to be a roommate. Oh, God.
Yeah, I think that's a hard one for sure. Also, I can kind of see some parents are like, they're always so worried about how the world is gonna treat their gay kid.
It could be like a protective instance. They think they're protecting, but it's not at all. You're just rejecting more fear and shame into their. That's a good place because you're protecting, but I would like your protection as I am exposing my truth. Yeah. This is your protection from being true. Let's bury this a little bit. Just protect me as I expose my truth, but don't protect me by hiding my truth.
Yes, totally. I think that's probably just a conversation with the parents. Yeah.
Okay, I came out to my mom recently, parenthesis sorta. She acted a bit shocked and confused when I wanted to use the term queer. She then went on to ask why I felt like I needed to use such weird, different, or specific language. Hey. I tried to explain that I like the term queer because of its inclusivity and flexibility, but she still didn't seem to understand. How do I validate my identity to people who don't believe that the labels I'm using are real or valid?
And this person is they, them. They, them.
Okay. Ooh, this is a yazza. Good question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Right, right. Well, that's the struggle of the time, you know? Yeah. Really, you can't make people do anything, really, but just authentically be yourself. Yeah, you just have to be. Present that to them, and hopefully they'll get with it in time. Yeah. I think, I do know queer, probably to our parents' generation, feels maybe a little shocking as a word choice for us, because they're like, that was the bad word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the scary word, and now we're kinda like reclaiming it. Right. So I could see that being in there. Kinda jarring for the parents. Yeah, yeah. I feel like what you said, Brad, is true. Just experience is the best teacher. So I'm just going to live out my truth, and like you said, over time, I think everyone comes around to accepting you for who you are. Yeah. And now they've seen a person like that. Right, right. Okay, yeah. Everything becomes like a teachable moment. Right. I think the only key thing to adhere to is to not adjust any of that to make them more comfortable. True. Or more palatable.
It's kind of like that last question of the guy in the army. I don't think that's like, I understand how he would do that, but that's not the move. I don't think you just need to expose it.
Yeah, and when you feel yourself kind of slipping into like, and how do I make myself palatable, you can feel that kind of grossness. Listen to yourself. Listen to your body.
Yeah, yeah. Totally. I think so. And I think we live in a digital age. There may be like YouTube videos that you can watch where people have talked about this kind of stuff, even just for your parents to watch. Well, Mom, can you watch this? Yeah. Our dad just watched this two minute video real quick. Totally. I think maybe they have words to explain what I'm trying to say, and I may not be getting it across. So just using digital media to your advantage. Totally.
Podcasts. Not enough of this podcast.
Right. Send this podcast out to people who you love. Right. And it's a teaching tool. Exactly.
What kind of tools do we have at artists? What kind of tools?
This podcast. It's a pretty good one. Nova, yeah, same. All right, our final one. Wait. Yeah, our final one. Let's see.
How can I be more involved in the queer community? Living my life is itself a political statement, but I don't think I'm contributing enough to push boundaries in gender nonconforming, openness, or helping struggling queer youth.
Thank you so much. My name is Donielle. I'm a queer man, and I use he him.
Nice.
Ooh, how can you get involved? Local LGBT center?
Yeah, whatever. Yeah, right. There's volunteer opportunities. Absolutely.
LGBT. Yeah, if you feel drawn to queer youth, I feel like definitely something like that. There's queer youth homeless shelters.
I know there's like... Right, just last year, putting together pamphlets for people knocking on doors just so many people registered. Oh, okay. And so the LGBT center hosted that. So I may not have been out on the pavement, but just coming into the center and putting the packets together. Totally, you're part of it. That's great. Totally good. So maybe that's something you can do. I kind of have, because I was a youth leader as well. Oh, right. And that was like, I loved it.
And there's no queer version of that question.
I had so much creativity to give in making these obstacle courses, church camp life. And now I'm just kind of like sitting around like, okay, I could be so good. You really could, you really could.
Ooh, a gay version of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Sometimes I fantasize about going undercover. Ooh! I went to the church camp circus. Yes! Me in Texas. That would be such a movie. Did you just imagine how amazing that would be? Yeah, totally. Oh my God, Ally, we love you. You work so well with the kids. I'm like, I love you too, and you can love whoever you want. Yes! Oh my God.
Do it. I can do it. I think you should. Now it's out there. People might know.
Yeah, I don't think you can now. They don't understand it at all. Like a severe haircut.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just go back to dressing in only tie dye. Like, are you still? And you gotta play acoustic guitar. Oh, of course. Of course. Like the Jumbay. So many levels is not okay. Love is love. Yeah. I have a new song to teach all of you. It's called Love Wins, Pride 2020. That's great, yeah. That would be amazing. Do it. Oh my God. Oh, okay. Well, that's it.
Turn off the cameras. Lights turn off.
But it is true. Our time has come to an end. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh.
This is so nice. This has made you so nice. This is dope. This is you. This is fun. I enjoyed it.
Where would people who are listening find you should you wish to be found? Brad? Maybe not physically, but I just feel like. Well, my address is. You're not a very social media person, so I know you might not know. I'm really not plugged in online. Yeah, not much at all. I'll find you.
No. Yeah, no. Do you have any shows or anything that you want to plug? No.
Any, let's see, cocktails you're bartending with? What's a good cocktail recipe that people can make and think of you?
Okay. You'll be there in spirits. Yes, right, right. Make an aviation that's a really nice cocktail. Like gin, lemon juice, maraschino. Why are we going here? I'd like to be in here with me. That's why we work well together. An aviation? Yes.
It's like. You look cool holding it. You look like the devil wears a prod at Meryl Streep kind of like. I like it. You look like you're just like.
Yes, yes. Totally. Yes. Love it. All right. So I don't perform or anything, but I do professional pet sitting, dog walking. So. Ooh. Yes. If you want to find me there, I'm at 29 animal on Instagram. Cool. A-N-I-M-A-U-X. Cool. Yay. That's it.
She loves the doggies. I love the doggies.
Yeah, everyone's in the SoCal area.
Right, right, right. Yes. I am at Ken Brown 79 on Instagram, and I have a podcast that I do. Oh, fun. Can I promote my podcast? Yeah, please. Oh my gosh. So I do a podcast called My Fave with my co-host Marcellus, and we are both out. And that may not necessarily be the focus of it, but with My Fave, we talk about our favorite movies and television shows. Yes. And so each episode is a different genre. Favorite black and white movie, favorite comedy, favorite rom-com. Yes. So he does TV and I do movies. So you can find us at My Fave. Love it. All streaming, everything. Cool. My Fave. Love it. New episode out today. Got that? Thank you. Yes.
Wait, what's it on? It's on, we're on everything. Okay, love it. Yeah, we're on everything.
All platforms.
All right, well thank you so much everyone for being here. Thank you for having us. This was so awesome. This was cool. Thank you for waiting for me. Oh yeah. Thank you everyone.
Hope you have a great week. Yeah. Bye-bye. Hey, what's up? It's Ally.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleaming. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
TheOnion | Most_Children_Go_Missing_The_Moment_Parent_Turns_Attention_Toward_Themself_For_One_Goddamn_Second | Sex. Is it just for adults? Experts have weighed in with a resounding yes.
Plus, could global warming have a negative impact on wineries? A new study says ones in areas that will soon be forever engulfed in flames could be at risk.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I hope you like the news because I'm about to shove it down your throat for the next eight minutes. Stay with us.
A new report from the National Institute of Health confirmed today that the leading cause of death in the United States is still venturing beyond the pines. Despite dire warnings from town elders and rickety old fences warning people to stay away, nearly 2.3 million Americans die every year after wandering into the ancient pine forest. That's more than the number of deaths caused by heart disease, cancer, and diabetes combined. OPR senior health correspondent Jenna Resnick has more on these alarming findings.
Very little is understood about the evil that lurks within the ethereal black pines. Scientists have known for decades that it beckons people of all types, from pure-hearted children to individuals taking shortcuts despite warnings from grizzled woodsmen to stay the path to even lonely widowers who follow the voice of their beloved into the darkness, never to be seen or heard from again. National Institute of Health director Francis Collins is calling it the country's greatest health risk. Hundreds of thousands of Americans awaken in the dead of night and wander out their front door in their night count toward the tree line, simply underestimating their risk of suffering and indescribable death within the malevolent woods. People assume they can withstand the hypnotizing call tempting them deeper and deeper into the pines, but in reality they can't. Collins says that once those who venture beyond the pines become enveloped within the canopy of the forest, where no light reaches and screams cannot escape, they are 17 times more likely to die at the hands of dark magical forces. If you weren't willing to heed the warning of the cloaked figures urging you to turn back from whence you came in the first place, then there's no way you're surviving the alluring call of those trees rustling in the alluring night. Local crone, Gristella Wormcackle, who has seen dozens of townsfolk succumb to the whispering call of the pines, knows the real-life impact of these stats all too well. According to the NIH, these types of incidents and fatalities continue to occur regularly, in part because there's been an uptick in the number of people hearing an otherworldly voice beckoning them into the woods with the whispers of, this way, follow me.
I'm joined now in the studio by Jenna Resnick.
Now Jenna, is the NIH doing anything to make people more aware that they shouldn't be venturing beyond the pines? They are, in fact, rolling out a few efforts, including stationing old cloaked figures at forks in the road to warn travelers of the malevolence that dwells in the heart of the woods, and launching a social media campaign to dispel the notion that treading into the forbidden grove is safe under a harvest moon. Oh wow, even when the harvest moon slide is as bright as day and you leave a lock of hair from the young child at the edge of the forest? That can help you ward off the deathly menace, but the NIH is reminding people that it's simply not enough to guarantee you won't be drawn into the belly of the forest, never to be seen or heard from again.
Okay, wow, good to know. I definitely had my facts crossed there. That's OPR's Jenna Resnick reporting. Thank you, Jenna. Thank you.
A concerning report out of Harvard University today that shows a majority of children go missing when a parent turns their attention toward themselves for just one goddamn second. The report found that, on average, nine out of ten children go missing when their mother or father focused on something that wasn't about their kids, like eating, showering, reading an email, or simply just taking a brief moment to sit down on a chair for the first time all day.
I'm joined by OPR reporter Loretta Cook. Loretta, thanks for being here. Hi Leslie.
So this report seems to make the argument that taking the teeniest, tiniest fraction of a second to be aware of your own existence can possibly be the worst decision a parent will ever make. That's right. There were many data sets and examples in the report that backed that assumption up, like the case of a first-time mother in Georgia. The report outlined how she was pushing her son on a playground swing.
When she started to daydream about having a glass of wine and dinner with other adults for the first time in two years. But when the swing came back to her, it was empty. She never saw her little boy again.
Wow. Is there a solution here? One prevailing thought is that kids could be kept on leashes when a parent dares not to have the children be the center of their focus for more than two seconds. But that's not necessarily safe either. According to the report's head researcher, Madeline Croier, who I talked to earlier today over the phone. Unfortunately, in the time it takes an adult to steal a glimpse of their tired, haggard reflection in a mirror, or briefly wonder when exactly it was they gave up on their dreams, a child will have already chewed through the leash and been found wandering around a cornfield 15 miles away. Wow, striking stuff.
So what can parents do to prevent this from happening? Croier said that their studies found that children are most safe when being held no more than six inches from a parent's face at all times, or when permanently strapped into a baby bjorn, even when the parent is showering or driving. Sure. Now of course, Croier did say that the number one way to ensure your child never goes missing is still to forego sleeping forever and never let your child out of your sight until he or she is 18. And if a parent can't help but want to take the smallest moment to themselves? The report recommended taking a deep breath and calmly reminding yourself that having a child was your choice and what you want or need is no longer important. Good tips.
But you know, hearing this report got me wondering if it's a little off because when I'm out with my kids, I am never focused on them or their safety. I'm pretty much exclusively on Leslie time daydreaming about the next work trip that will mercifully pull me away from my family or cataloging my favorite sandwiches in my head. But despite all that, my kids never get abducted. This report seems to suggest that they should have been a long time ago. While Croier did touch on this a little bit, she said that there are some outliers and it basically comes down to the fact that sometimes a child just isn't all that desirable to abductors.
Ah, well that definitely checks out in my situation. That's OPR's Loretta Cook. Thanks Loretta. You got it.
Volunteers from Eden Animal Shelter have been blanketing the city of Danbury, Connecticut with flyers promoting their annual adopt-a-thon for weeks. But now some residents are saying the free adoption day they're holding isn't even that good of a deal.
So the shelter says that adoption is free? Well, that's the claim. The organization says they're waiving the adoption fees as part of their mission to, quote, clear the shelters and find a loving home for all. What they're not telling you is that once you adopt the animal, you have to spend money caring for it as well.
Well, that is misleading. It is. Food, toys, grooming, vet bills. It's a classic bait and switch. These guys are clearly nothing but scam artists, ripping off innocent consumers like this woman, 37-year-old Cassandra Fisher. I gotta spend $150 for a cage, 40 for a bag of kibble, and spend time with it? Indeed. Free certainly sounds like false advertising to me. Has the organization offered any kind of explanation for this blatant con job? Well, I made a visit to the shelter to uncover what else their ad speak is hiding, but shelter director Katie Sheehan was intent on skirting my questions.
Ms. Sheehan, what would you say on average is one of your pet's financial worth? Well, we at Eden Animal Shelter like to say that a pet's love is invaluable. You can't put a price on a forever friend.
Oh, that's terrible. She wouldn't even answer you. Because she knows the promotion doesn't make any sense.
If any of these animals truly had value, wouldn't they want to keep them at the shelter? Wow, I didn't even think of that. The truth is, Leslie, this shelter gets the pets they're selling for free to begin with. And most of these dogs are so fucked up, you're going to drop hundreds of dollars on training classes alone. Not to mention the sediment you'll have to pay out once it bites a neighbor.
Charles, please tell me people aren't actually falling for Adoptathon. Well, I had the chance to speak with a few families who attended the event, and they were just as disappointed as you and me. Take a listen. When we heard there were free adoptions, we wanted to load up. Thought we might as well get eight or nine.
What the hell? What a mess that turned out to be. We brought the van and everything. They didn't tell me it would shit. I already dropped mine off at Goodwill. What a shame.
Bottom line, if you really want a good deal on an animal, check Craigslist. Or call me. I have a cousin. He can hook you up. Not just cats and dogs either. Weird shit, you know? Like with hooves and stuff. Now that's what my family is after.
Good man. That's OPR's Charles Dearborn. Thank you, Charles. Thank you. Hey, don't worry.
There's plenty more news where that came from. And by plenty, I mean three. Here's what else you need to know today.
Positive developments today for human rights in Iran, as the Iranian regime has made the groundbreaking announcement that it will be loosening modesty restrictions in the country by now allowing women to wear a pork pie hat in place of a veil. A great step in the right direction by Iran. Those things are stylish.
And a major discovery today, as a Greek archaeological team believes they have unearthed evidence of up to three previously undiscovered mamma mias. Researchers in Athens are hopeful that the discovery could lead to even more pop ballad musicals that provide insights into the lives of Donna and Sophie.
And for those of you back here in the States, there's no doubt you've seen this viral video making the rounds. It's been across all channels.
It was only 1,500. Ryan, kiddo. Sorry guys. Ryan, I'm on a call. Yes, that's right.
This unsuspecting dad was in the middle of conducting a video conference for his company from his home office when all of a sudden, his adorable 27-year-old son burst into the background. This video has already racked up over 87 million views and is no doubt a relatable feeling to all parents of millennials. Take a listen. Just adorable. They can be so dependent to that age.
Well, that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. But before we go, there's something I think I need to address. It's come to my attention that if you play yesterday's episode backwards, it repeatedly says that Leslie Price is a virgin. That is categorically false, and this is nothing more than a coincidence. And if it's not a coincidence and someone's ass is getting fired, you can bet on it. We'll see you tomorrow. |
TheOnion | Sidney_Crosby_Tells_Telephone_Pole_He_Has_Recovered_From_Concussion | Get out of my face before I force feed you a large plate of pasta. I'm Kenny Kennedy. And I'm Doc Brooks, and get out of my beautiful face. Ah, quit slobbering on that mirror, Doc. You need to save your strength for the face-off.
Hockey's starting tonight with Sid the Kid on the bench, but there is good news. Crosby is progressing from his concussion and should be back out on the ice soon.
Or so he told a telephone poll in a 15-minute interview yesterday. Crosby talked with the poll about a wide range of issues, including his relationship with fellow superstar Alex Ovechkin, whom Crosby says has been instrumental in motivating him back onto the ice. Scooped by a telephone poll.
That is rough. All right, good for the pens. They like what they saw from Sidney last week, spending 30 straight hours on the ice, lying face-down and chatting with a penguin on his journey about the world. Crosby's got to be careful here. I know he's been literally drooling with anticipation to get back out there, but wait until you're fully recovered before you start telling every Tom Dick and light bulb that you're coming back. Hey, there's always going to be appliances and knick-knacks that whisper in your ear that you're not over your concussion yet. But like Crosby said, at some point you need to grow another head and drink a cinder block of orange juice. That's what champions do. Let Crosby do what he wants. Talking is evidence of great activity.
40-iron is stuck by the Eagles with a one-point win Sunday, but not without a close call when Eagles coach Andy Reid challenged a third-quarter touchdown on the grounds and it was thrown by Alex Smith. It can't be a touchdown. The video review conclusively shows the ball coming out of Alex Smith's hand. How did they miss that? The way I understood it was Alex Smith threw the ball and his teammate Vernon Davis intercepted it. No, that I get, Alex Smith throwing an interception.
The refs should have made that clear. All the refs were awful. As soon as the ball is snapped into Alex Smith's hands, blow the play dead.
Nothing good is going to happen. We're two games into the WMA finals and the ratings are up a notch thanks to the league's new marketing push, which is portraying women's basketball as an exciting, violent alternative to the NFL. Plan a Grizzly injury card and not a moment too soon. They need more bone-exposing traumas and YouTube-worthy effects plans. They've been building to want a more gruesome sport by greasing up the hardwood to maximize inverted kneecaps and compound fractures. And it's working. Game two saw Maia Moore's head bounce off the hardwood, not once for strikes. These ladies need to don ice skates. There's no more marketable, nauseating injury than when your jugular gets cut mid-game. If I don't see elbows bending backward when I turn on a game, I'm done.
Women don't even get hurt as good as men anyway. Kenny, that's sexist. It's just how their bodies are made.
Face-off's brought to you by the ecstasy of defeat. There's words in it which sucks, but they're all short and easy to understand. Doc. |
SaturdayNightLive | wade_blasingame_snl | I'm Wade Glazy Game. No, not the ball player, the attorney-at-law.
Let me ask you a question. would it be okay if someone did this to you? Ah! ah! how about if they did this? who are you? what are you doing in my yard? is it right for someone to do this to you? No. then why is it okay if a dog does it? it's not.
Sue them. I fight for your rights as a human being. I've sued over 2,000 canines and I'm willing to do it for you.
I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law's house and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Glazy Game got me $4,000. I've been responsible for over 23 dogs put down and three more scheduled to die. dogs don't deserve special treatment. they have to play by the same rules we do. I was living in the mail and this dog had came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Glazy Game sued them, but we lost. Wade told me for $50 he'd kill a dog.
I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No.
So remember, you wouldn't let a person do this to your yard. Hey! so don't let some egg-sucking dog do it. call me Wade Glazy Game or my brother Doug for a free consultation and we'll get you justice. Call Wade Glazy Game. he's Man's best friend. |
dropout | stealing_candy_from_babies | So, it's Halloween, and I'm a sexy bee, and Plum is still mad at me. So to make it up to where I'm going to go trick or treat, I'm going to get her a ton of candy.
Excuse me. Coming through.
Trick or treat!
Oh, wow. Look at all the scary girls and boys. It's bumblebee or mine. That's right. Oh, my goodness, Mom. She gets a ball of candy right in here. Thank you so much.
Hey, you're not my mom. Shut the fuck up Frankenstein. Don't mind Frankenstein.
He got ass burglars. Steal a candy from them babies?
That was easy as... What's her phrase? Oh, yeah. Like stealing panties from Walmart. Two, three, four, five toothbrushes. There you go. What the fuck is this? I'm a dentist, so don't forget the floss. Okay, babies. We're going to egg this house now. By the time I go home, I had a lot of cake. Whoo! Oh, dang.
That is a lot of candy. This is more candy I know what to do with. Trick or treat!
Go away! Now, we don't live in a messed up world, so being a good mother that I am, I had to make sure there was no knives or needles in any of them candies before giving them the plug. Nothing here. What about poisons?
So far, so good. So good. Better take the other half. The other half is good, too. Mm-hmm. Oh, we have to do a good start. I'm going to put this in the good pile.
Wow. Look at the side of that candy bar. There could be a whole gun in here. Nope. All good. Hey, trick or treat. You love me again? It's all left. That's Halloween candy plum. It's all for you. It's just a bunch of wrappers and toothbrushes. Mm-hmm. And they're all from a dentist, so you know they're good. Oh, so plum.
She giving me the silent treatment right now, so I'm just going to go out and do this myself. Find out what happens next. Sign up for Dropout. Guys, it's a premium, ad-free, uncensored comedy platform for the people that do College Humor. Sign up today to see plum eat.
Hey, Kennedy. Good conspiracy.
But you forgot the most important part. You didn't get not caught, idiot. |
cracked | 6_most_one_sided_fights_in_movie_history | The climax of any good cinematic adventure should be an intense ultimate battle forged of pure destiny. Not unlike the one between Connor McCloud and the kurgan at the end of Highlander. Or the one between Sam Neill and his own face at the end of Event Horizon.
But sometimes the final fight winds up being more vaudevillian-ly one-sided than the Hulk furiously smashing Loki into the floor of Tony Stark's penthouse, like a sack of flaming shit that some rascally teenagers left on Bruce Banner's doorstep. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie had a greater impact on my childhood than my parents' divorce. The world's most fearsome fighting teen spent 90 minutes beating the shit out of an army of disenfranchised children, building up to a rooftop showdown with Shredder, one of the greatest villains of contemporary young adult literature. But Shredder handily dismantles the turtles, like the New England Patriots running practice drills against a high school fencing team, leaving Splinter the turtle's dusty old rodent grandfather to pick up the baton. But Splinter taught them to be ninja teens. So we have every reason to believe that when his fists collide with Shredder's, it should unleash a shockwave of raw power that levels the surrounding brownstones. But what happens instead of that is Shredder pulls his mask off and runs at Splinter, bellowing like John Rhys Davies getting his dick tattooed in a hurricane. Then Splinter judo flips the bladed master of karate darkness straight over the edge of the shitty apartment building, where he gets crushed in the back of a garbage truck like a dead cat.
That's it. That's all we get.
Fumbling group high five and a rap song later, the movie is over, because that's turtle power. Coward bunker! After nearly three hours of watching Joaquin Phoenix make Russell Crowe's life as shitty as possible by systematically murdering his friends and family, ending Gladiator with an epic sword fight between the two of them seems more than appropriate. But Joaquin sneaks in and mortally wounds Russell before the fight even starts, leaving Russell stumbling around dead on his feet. That's like Ted DiBiase throwing powder into the Macho Man's eyes while the referee's back was turned. We couldn't be more invested in this final confrontation, which is shaping up to be a nail-biting conclusion to an already classic movie. Nope. Russell Crowe beats him like an angry stepfather looking for his stolen pornography. He's bleeding to death in front of our faces and Joaquin still can't get a shot in.
Man, listen how dead that crowd sounds. It's like a Smash Mouth concert.
Towards the end of Batman Returns, Batman smashes his bat-winged jet ski speedboat into the penguin's giant circus duckmobile because the movie had reached a critical mass of ridiculousness and both cars simply could not continue to exist without the universe imploding around. Both licensed characters managed to crawl from the wreckage of their respective vehicles to square off in the snow. Now, this is a superhero film. And in superhero films, the final confrontation between hero and villain usually leaves at least half of a major city in crumbling room.
Well, start your stopwatches now. And done. That's it.
Batman smacks him in the mouth like he's a turn-of-the-century steel tycoon and Penguin just spoke out of turn at a shareholders meeting. Then he tricks Penguin into pressing a button, causing him to be attacked by bats until he falls to his death in a shallow aquarium. Batman barely had to do anything. The penguin just bumbles his way into a spectacular calamity like a backyard wrestler and kills himself.
In Die Hard 2, Bruce Willis confronts naked kung fu enthusiast William Sadler on the wing of a taxiing jumbo jet full of drug-dealing military terrorists. At this point in the film, we are totally ready to see Bruce Willis clobber the bad guy with meaty fists of New York rage, except when the fight finally begins, William Sadler pummels him like a bunch of Aussie Canseco cards in the spokes of a Huffy Beach cruise. The only offense Bruce Willis is able to mount is biting Bill Sadler's hand really hard, as if Bill Sadler just swatted him with a rolled-up magazine for peeing on the carpet. This is Bruce Willis as John McLean, one of the biggest action stars ever, playing his most famous action hero ever, getting taken to clown school by William Sadler, whose only other memorable cinematic battle was attempting to defeat Keanu Reeves at Clue in Bill and Ted's bogus journey.
It was Professor Plough. Best three out of five. I don't believe this guy. We were expecting a close fight, but man, nobody thought Bruno would get kicked off the plane faster than Alec Baldwin refusing to turn off his cellphone.
Steven Seagal apparently has some claws in his acting contract that forbids him not only from ever being defeated in a fistfight, but also from ever appearing as if he is at a disadvantage. Consequently, the final confrontations in his Under Siege movies tend to be about as intense as Jason Statham making a two-year-old sit in the corner for spilling a box of grape juice. In the first Under Siege, Seagal faces off against Tommy Lee Jones in a stolen battleship. Gary Busey assisted in the hijacking by putting on a dress and a pair of giant fake breasts, because this movie is a tarot card reading of every joke I will ever tell. Tommy Lee Jones plays a man that is so dangerous the US government couldn't even manage to assassinate him. But Seagal strolls under the control of the ship and slaps him around like a goddamn werewolf. That's an eye gouge, a brain stab, and a head electrocution. Any one of those should have been more than enough to dispatch your movie's chief villain, but Seagal cashes all three of them in on Tommy Lee Jones like a stack of Wendy's coupons he printed out on the internet. Under Siege II forces Steven Seagal to lazily fight his way through a hijacked train until he makes it to the badass mercenary leader who challenges him to a knife fight. This quickly devolves into Seagal waving his hands around like he just swallowed a bunch of ecstasy at a Daft Punk concert and slapping, literally slapping the mercenary leader into paralyzing submission before flabbily breaking his neck.
He can't even muster up the energy to make a last-minute escape from an exploding train car that seems exciting. Rambo is the ballad of John Rambo killing his way through the Burmese jungle to rescue a bunch of missionary workers from the clutches of an evil general armed with molestovision chips glasses and the hyperactive sweat glands of an uncanny X-Man. On previous Rambo adventures, we've seen Rambo disrupt entire enemy compounds from within. So we're expecting a fairly drawn-out sequence of Rambo stealthily creeping his way down to the hostages and getting them clear of danger before shit gets loud. Now picture in your mind the exact opposite of that sentence. That's what Rambo does in this movie. He sprints up to an enemy jeep like he's being chased by a giant scorpion, chops the gunner's head off with one mighty stroke, then turns the vehicle's .50-caliber machine gun under the bad guy's arm and kills every single one of them while howling an unbroken string of Stallone noises, the song of his ancient people. General Rape Stass tries to run away, but Rambo teleports in front of him and hacks his stomach open with his rage saver. Because the only way this fight could have been more one-sided is if Stallone was a Tyrannosaurus that was somehow also a wizard.
Hey, thanks for watching that video. Boy, we sure had a lot of fun. Please go like and subscribe and go ahead and use me like that Shia LaBeouf video. Whoa, I'm in a green screen space. Just, hey, Wesley Snipes. It limits your own imagination. I could be anywhere. |
dropout | hardly_working_gale_beggy_2 | Alright, so next up we have a guest speaker who's going to talk about some new office equipment we'll be getting. Oh, hi. Hi. It's so nice to see everyone in the same room.
Uh, Jessica. Sarah. Mike. Kevin. Kyle. My name.
Sanderson. Morning. Sanderson?
Am I saying that right, baby? Uh, Bayan. My name's Dan. Flannel. Jake. Uh, there's Darius Rucker.
Before we start, can we conference in Josh Abramson? I know he wanted to hear this. Yes. Let me just get Josh on the phone now.
Abramson!
Um, I can just film him later, actually. No? Okay. Computer. Who are you talking to? Gail, that doesn't...Gail? Activate! Do you think that's a hand scanner? Oh, that's fine. Okay, well let's just begin the slideshow now.
So this is some of the new things we're going to be getting. We're going to be getting some new sit couches.
Cool. And we're going to be getting some new power boxers. Okay. Cool. And we're going to be getting some new hay pads. It's part of the phone. Yeah.
And we're going to be getting some new schematics for a plasma cannon. Plasma cannon?
It's our only means of defense against an alien robot apocalypse. What? Robot apocalypse? Yeah, smart. What's quite happy is this alien race known as the Zandax is going to ride Earth on an ice comet, and they're going to harvest all the human beings on Earth and cut all our kids' heads off, and use their blood to power their murder vessel, which they will use to propagate the further right of the universe's vital resources.
My God, when? To my eye.
It's okay, babe. We just need to make one of the plasma cannons. It's very easy.
And I have the schematics for it. I know it's somewhere in this box. And we are going to get it out of this box.
Go.
I don't know anything. |
cracked | proof_that_life_in_exile_is_driving_edward_snowden_insane_cracked_responds | You ready for this Randall so ready Edward Snowden released a music video right Edward Snowden if no one knows Is in hiding right now because he revealed a lot of secrets about the government. So this is official This isn't a fan video. No, this is this is a team up with Edward Snowden and Jean Michel Jaure This is a message from Snowden apparently via electronic music. Yeah an EDM electronic dance message You ready drop it? Songs called exit It's also the name of the satellite that's spying on us Apparently that opening is weird because he's trying to warn us about being spied on but the exit name is on the satellite That's spying on us. So is Edward Snowden Spying on us. That's a huge plot twist for that early in the video. Oh, this is not a trailer for enemy of the state The video started I Can tell they're not in the United States.
Well, I already don't care. You're not interested. This is just like soccer I'm sure the rest of the world cares.
I do not every music video That features satellite dishes makes them dance since about 1982 Yeah, every satellite in a video has done the little there was Paul Rudd There's like a video of a rom-com just right in the middle of that That's all about it. Looks like the craziest DeVry commercial I've ever seen Yeah, it looks like an internet safety training video like the internet and you don't don't make your password one, two, three four or dog Bro, bro, bro, bro. You got it says us hacked bro. Every French musician wears black when performing That is that's science. He looks like the criminal in this duo. I Would trust Snowden more than I would trust this DJ if he got on a subway and started doing math Out of lurky authorities wouldn't it be funny if all this b-roll was just secretly directions to where Snowden's hiding out Snowden is the Riddler and he's giving us clues. See now this is where it gets quiet. We are in for the longest beat drop in history because Edward Snowden Is about to break it down technology can actually increase This is like his rap verse in the song. I guess this is really condescending to me He acts like I've never installed virus software on my laptop. I know what I'm doing Also, he's like this big giant head telling us what to do, which is kind of ironic, right? He is really lecturing us right now. He keeps saying if we don't stand up for privacy who is well Isn't that why he's hiding in Russia because he's standing up for privacy, right? Yeah, Jesus of this. He took the hit Yeah, that's a reference to the matrix.
I didn't see that comment I didn't think we'd reference the matrix in the video about being spied on by the government Why are private details that are stored on our personal devices any different than the details? Write our logs that are stored in our private journals. I mean, there's no picture of my dick in private journals This makes me feel like these two are just starting an IT company or something This is and this is the sizzle reel for what they can bring to your business Yeah, which is a lot of b-roll of Times Square Intercut with things you would see in the matrix. This is what they show at Bourne meetings and then when it's over everyone confusingly applauds What is this how to apply to our business the rest of this could just be a crystal method video I wouldn't know and the the DJ rides away on the subway and off the planet Exit now What's your takeaway after all this? Honestly, it made being spied on look really cool. If anything, I want to work for the NSA now I want in on what they're doing because that looks fun Snowden is Making dance tracks with a French DJ, which is my nightmare but you could hear all this stuff before it was released if you worked for the NSA because Exactly. Yeah, how great would that have been if they drop this song first?
We know what you're up to nice try this also makes me sad because it it looks like Hackers and it makes me remember that that's like 20 years old. So it just makes me feel old. Well, yeah, yeah Yeah, you are pretty old. So thanks a lot John Michael every reference to hacking and pop culture now still looks like hackers I feel like they need to update their stock imagery when trying to scare us about the dangers of hacking There's a new virus in the database Replicating eating up memory. What do I do type cookie? You idiot? I think they're actually trying to warn us about the dangers of Pro tools what this?
You can keep track of us the same way the NSA is keeping track of you by subscribing on YouTube and You know doing stuff down there in the comments Areas YouTube is all over here. So just go around and check out subscribe Down in one of these things and then go to the comments and then look at there's probably stuff over here There's gonna be something right YouTube is spying on you. Thank you for watching |
cracked | 7_movies_that_didn_t_realize_they_were_remakes_the_dark_knight_rises_the_simpsons_movie | Seven weirdly similar movie plots. Slowly on the big screen.
People of Gotham, we have not abandoned you. What does that mean? It means we're on our own. What are you telling us?
We're trapped like rats? No, rats can't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like carrots. We know and endure. I have to save Springfield!
You never heard of her, huh? Shoulda. She ain't no John Wilkes booth, but maybe you might heard tell about the price on her head.
I don't seem to have much choice right now, thanks to Mr. Farnham. That gambling narrator didn't have much choice when you killed him. Hey, here! I'm running the blaze, mother of God! Who are you? You're not the regular attendant. What can I do? Drag that old man down here to testify to it? I'm gonna cut you loose while we eat. Don't get any ideas. I ain't going soft on you. Even during meals, Mr. Farnham? Tell him Daisy sent you. Give him a hold of it. He was just an amateur.
Major Mark was warned. This here's Daisy Domergue. Domergue, to you, this is Major Warnham.
Howdy, n***a. Major n***a.
Just call me, please, because he's gone! Chew a less. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, mother.
Congratulations.
This is Mima's last performance with Cham. I really hope that I can entertain you just the same as an actress. I'll always be with you, and I'll never change.
Not a bit. It's my turn. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Good morning, sir. Yet another on-time delivery from... Get the hell out of my face, Scanner. Roger, I got the hang of your head 23 times already. I can take it. Don't worry about me. Tunes. Just like a tune to drop a safe in a guy's head. Sorry, Eddie. Well, I know what they say about old dogs. No. I had hoped you would come to think of me as your friend. You saved my life. How can I ever repay you? We search value, boss. The will ain't on him. Security breached.
Will I kill your brother? You have so got to die.
Funny people. Need some jokes and shit.
I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some. I'd love to do that. Sure, totally.
I'm in. Get dressed. I'm going to lunch. Who's there? That's the girl I was going to marry. I'm going to call Daisy and invite her to tea.
Please don't get that look in your face. It was a mistake. I'm going to kill anyone. No, no, no, no, no. They're all different for you. You see, we were born different. Lackey! Oh, shit, Clark! You shut up!
Underneath anger is hurt. But underneath hurt is love.
Isolate the strand. Okay. DNA match. It's a model of DNA. So somebody left that thing here.
I love you, baby. I love you.
No! My name is Elizabeth Shaw, last survivor of the Prometheus. And I'm still searching. Is that him? Have a great ride, Jim. |
dropout | these_weed_names_are_not_chill | We're 20 baby finally I have been so stressed out lately I just need something to calm me down and chill me out totally yeah all right look I got og kush I got silver haze I got train okay train rake is gonna be a little too intense for me I guess I'll go with og kush stop do not make a decision yet my partner works at a dispensary I have so much stuff for us to try okay you got any Indica's yeah totally uh into cut off your arms we also have everyone knows all your secrets haze and what you're doing is illegal kush oh also og Chernobyl Chernobyl yeah it's kind of like a really like sleepy high just like really relaxing do you have anything like rainbow dream are you serious no no I don't have anything like that hard honestly that was crazy that you even asked for that any sativas yeah here this one is perfect really mellow but you can still get a lot done oh perfect that's exactly worst way to die kush yeah it's like really heady how about something more in the euphoric realm oh totally here you will love we will pluck out your eyes with toothpicks perp no this is your biggest mistakes kush uh-oh everyone can hear your thoughts you forgot how to speak haze you've got og wow your hands really are big and a Spike Lee joint oh that sounds good starring Mel Gibson oh never mind let's see lost both your feet in a car accident kush pussy vomit your heart will stop no this isn't just the name of the strain your heart will actually stop kush the LA Times that's just a newspaper you're supposed to read it not smoke it what this has been getting me high as fuck is there any strain that isn't named after an ailment or a disaster of course I have how did you do that then I also have CBD bees it's not gonna get you high og wet dog food smells like my ass oh no that was it my personal ass og my ass should have seen that come in my ass kush rule of threes based on the novel kush by sapphire that weed is based on a book Maya ganja Lou that's disrespectful what Baba Lou Baba what bam cannabis why grant Oh Brian how did he get this wasn't somebody's colon oh daddy danky rose dogfish head 90 minute IPA boring Star Trek into the dankness that's nerd shit rat poison that's just rat poison oh good eye and the Denver Nuggets is that mellow no no I'm asking you not the plate okay look I thought it would be fun to get high at the office but clearly I was wrong these names are really bumming me out yeah I get that I know where Katie keeps her cocaine oh I'm down hey it's Raphael if you like college humor and want to support us sign up for dropouts for the low price of a whole lot of straws per month you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the dropout discord and exclusive content such as troopers sign up for your free trial today you don't need all those trials give them to me |
cracked | 7_deleted_scenes_that_were_really_necessary_to_the_plot | Seven deleted scenes You can breathe okay, as long as nobody unplugs him.
It's not good enough The father's AHHH AHHH AHHH Restrain him Rogue But there is always urge to manage here Locked in his tower And there, Saruman must remain And I will tell you where your doom will be decided I will not be held to the nightmare AHHH AHHH Dead After a while, I passed away peacefully A week or so later, Sean returned to pay his respects And to his amazement, discovered me bumbling around in the cellar He tempted me back to his house under cover of the night, using himself as bait And locked me in the shed, where I've been existing for six months While Sean puts me through a rigorous training program I no longer get the urge to eat him Although, wouldn't mind giving Liz a nibble You gonna wear that?
No.
If you're gonna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform I am so f*** After a while, I passed away peacefully A week or so later, Sean returned to pay his respects And to his amazement, discovered me bumbling around in the cellar He tempted me back to his house under cover of the night, using himself as bait And locked me in the shed, where I've been existing for six months While Sean puts me through a rigorous training program I no longer get the urge to eat him Although, wouldn't mind giving Liz a nibble You gonna wear that?
No.
If you're gonna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform I am so f*** |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_denzel_washington_and_halle_berry_on_being_black_oscar_winners_snl | As you all know, history was made at the 74th Academy Awards when African-americans took home both best actor and best actress. here now, fresh off their Oscar wins, are Denzel Washington and Halle Berry. Thank you. thank you. thank you. thanks. thanks, Tina. thanks. you're welcome. Denzel, you've had a few weeks to celebrate. has it sunk in yet? has it all sunk in? You know, you know, Tina, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, it's A, You know, you know, Tina, it's A, it's A, it's A, you know, it's an honor to have won such a prestigious award. I, you know, I just feel great. now I see you have two Oscars there. Is, is that your best supporting actor award from Glory? No, no, no, no, it's not. No, this is Al Pacino's Oscar for cent of a Woman. He, he won it over my performance in Malcolm X. So in the words of Brother Malcolm, I took it by any means necessary.
I think Lena, Dorothy and Shirley from what's happening. is she okay? no, no, no. How Hallie is gone. you know, I thought after two weeks, she'd run out of people to thank, but she just keeps on keeping on, you know, But we still love her, You know, it's, it's not bubbles in all that lady. very vindicating for you after all of your great performances to finally be recognized like this. Well, you know, Tina, I, oh, oh, no, Julia, what are you doing here? Julia, my wife is watching me.
I'm so happy for you. What makes this moment so special is me being involved. I'm rich and there's something so great about that. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_underworld_movies | I've used ancient vampire magic to seal those leather pants onto your legs. The only way to remove them will be to watch and explain the entire underworld movie timeline. I thought vampires couldn't do mirrors. Common misconception. So underworld, huh? Is that like a waterworld sequel but instead of a world covered in water it's covered in undercarriage stents from wearing airtight leather in the rain? Oh, okay, well, apparently we're in some sort of gothic church accompanied by a voiceover detailing a thousand-year war between vampires and lycan. The lycan are led by someone named Lucian, but I'm not sure why vampires are so pissed at a bunch of moss and since when does that leafy sh** have a leader but color me intrigued? Now we see a gothic leather clad butt crouching on a parapet like a sexy batman but also like a woman and she watches some people walking around while another dude with a camera takes pictures of those people. Her voiceover mentions something about being a death dealer and how she loves to hunt down lycan and again, do plants really experience death?
Me, Missy, Ma. Whatever. She's worried that they're about to exterminate the last of the lycan, thereby rendering her death-dealing job moot, but I'm sure she could find work elsewhere. This is the early 2000s. There have to be plenty of openings for leather models. Whatever.
She and the other dude share a little nod and then they hop down and follow some other other dudes into a subway.
Wait, does lycan mean black dude? That'd be weird. Maybe he's the lead singer of Creed because he's apparently down here too. We don't have time to consider all that, however, because the black dude notices something and people start yelling and shooting and one dude gets hit and turns weird and blue which is unusual, I think.
I mean, I've never shot a dude, verse, suddenly. And it turns out the woman, named Celine, with all E's for vowels is essentially Trinity from The Matrix, but she's British, so no copyright infringement. Look, I don't care.
A random bystander gets shot but is pulled out of harm's way by Scott Staff. Then people be chasing people around and on and through the train and also windows, but then the black guy transforms into a dog.
Oh, no, a werewolf! Oh, lycan. Lycanthrope.
That makes sense, I guess. The wolf dude kills the other dude but not until they hiss at each other several times. The, I assume, vampire literally just hisses at the werewolf the whole time he's transforming. Hard to believe that's the best strategy they've come up with during the last millennia of war.
Anyway, Celine dispatches whoever she's fighting and wanders through the tunnel with a- AHHH! She's almost hit by a train! Thankfully, she moves out of the way just in the nick of time.
For humans, it's very easy to hear when a train is coming, but I guess vampires can't hear trains. Is that a vampire thing? I haven't seen Twilight in a while. Is there, like, a train-listening subplot in there? Anyway- Is this one of vampires like the train?
She continues down the dungeon sewer tunnel and shoots a dude behind her which causes her eyes to get real blue and let's just say that she can bite me whenever she wants. I will be her Pete Davidson and I'm not very tall but I'm kinda funny and look slightly less on heroin. I'm trying to spread awareness.
Anyway, she checks that guy's gun and it has weird blue bullets. And then she's attacked by the werewolf dude but she throws vampire ninja stars at him? So he runs away. Are the stars even made out of silver or do they just look terrifyingly rad? Whatever.
Then we see a cock fight but instead of chickens it's werewolves, except then they change back to humans and there is a shocking amount of pubic hair which suggests maybe we are literal. Pick it up at pubic hair. Just roll it back to pubic hair. And there is a shocking amount of pubic hair which suggests that maybe we are seconds from a literal, you know, cock fight. But then a dude who must be the werewolf king shows up and yells at everybody to put those cocks away. Stop fighting.
And now we're at a sexy gothic mansion full of sexy gothic vampires and Celine shows those weird bullets to a guy who says, oh, they must have ultraviolet light in there. So like sunlight in a bottle kind of. Which would presumably be bad for vampires because it'd make them sparkly and embarrassed. It's like diamonds.
Celine then tells the presumably vampire king, Craven, that she thinks there are a lot more lichens left than they suspect. And he yells at her and says that she's crazy and then he sends someone else to check out her hunch. Meanwhile Celine goes into her room and looks at herself in a mirror which, okay, that's another vampire thing, right? Like they can't see themselves in mirrors.
Come on now. That's vampire 101, guys. Look, a ghost cop. Anyway, whatever.
She looks through a window into a room full of runes that she mentions houses Victor's tomb or some sh**, whatever that means. But she doesn't go in and a young titty vampire walks in and tells her that she needs to get ready for the party. The vampire party.
But before she's willing to party, she decides to look at the photos from the attack and realizes the lichens may have been intentionally trying to get to that lead singer of Creed specifically. But that doesn't make any sense, because he's a human and humans don't matter. And the lead singer of Creed is the least mattering human of all. Though, to be fair, this human is a doctor in training, which is way more than I'd expect from the former front man of a semi-Christian post-grunge band.
Elsewhere, big ol' lichen man arrives at some nasty lab with a Charlie Day conspiracy wall and a hairy hanging man straight out of IKEA's fall collection. And the ninja stars are still stuck in him and apparently they really jacked with his throat because his voice is freakin' nuts. So okay, now they're having the vampire blood party, but I know! Celine, the apparent introvert, has left to go find the human named Michael, and she's accompanied by sounds so identical to the Matrix, I bet YouTube is going to flag this video if I play them.
She doesn't find Michael, but she does leave his apartment door, so he's immediately aware that somebody's in his apartment. He confronts her, but then the ceiling starts flipping out, so she starts shooting the ceiling. And then they both run away into the hallway, and oh, it's a shit like an attack. Michael runs into the elevator before Celine can get there, so now she shoots the floor and goes down exactly one floor.
I guess that's useful.
But before Celine can go down the rest of the floors, 1000 bullets at a time, the werewolf king stops the elevator. But before he can do anything to Michael, he's shot by Celine, but that's okay. His werewolf king dives into the elevator and chops on Michael's shoulder a bit and gets a vial of the dude's blood, then he lets Michael and Celine run away while he rips off his clothes and shits out the bullets.
Celine and Michael hop in a car, but werewolf man can run just as fast as the car, and he hops on top and tries to stab them, but he makes the classic mistake of assuming that the driver and passenger are sitting on each other's laps with a gear shift stuck up their ass in the middle of the car. Ah, but he's incorrect, and he stabs in between the two, even though it's very clear where they're sitting. It's a car. Eventually he works his way over by stabbing the roof like he's playing battleship, and eventually Nick Celine's shoulder You sang my battleship! So she hits the brakes, which throws the werewolf off, but he still manages to make it look, you know, pretty sexy. Then he just stands there and lets them hit him with the car, and again he turns the whole thing into a sexy tumble. Then he just lets the car go. I'm not entirely sure why he gives up right here, other than he already had what he wanted, but he already had what he wanted when he started chasing the car in the first place, so maybe he just wanted to show off his sexy tumbling skills?
And to that, I say, thank you Mr. Kingwolf Man. Meanwhile the werewolves confirm that Michael's blood is positive, and also confirms that Michael will become a lichen in two days, and or he has chlamydia.
Celine for her part falls asleep and crashes into a river due to blood loss, and also possibly being a background character in a Nightmare on Elm Street film. But Michael saves her, and then passes out himself. So Celine takes Michael back to the gothic arsehole.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's what I said. Gothic arsehole. That's what I said.
Craven is pissed because oaths, and covenants, and rules, and shit, but it's hard to take anything he says seriously due to his ridiculous American accent. Everybody else are these sexy, slinky beasts of the British night, but this dude might as well be chewing a big wad of Arby's meats and complaining about slow service and a lack of mayonnaise. Completely unacceptable. While they argue, titty vamp wants to suck Michael, but she kinda freaks out when she sees his lichen wound, so she pulls a badass fly up to the ceiling and hiss-a-lot move while Michael runs away. Bitch slap.
Celine heads to the vampire shooting grounds or whatever, and learns that they've got new silver bullets that are a little better at killing dogs. Also, werewolves, presumably. Celine admits that she thinks Lucian, you know, the ancient werewolf lichen king, isn't dead, and Craven has lied about killing him in the past.
History? More like his story. He's historam.
Then immediately, Craven reveals, yeah, he's working with the wolf king, who is in fact Lucian, so, mystery solved. Celine, for her part, also confirms this on her own by kicking in a door to a room full of old-ass graphic novels full of dead skin that explain vampire-like in history. It all comes together when she realizes that the werewolf dude on the car had the same dope-ass chain as Lucian in the book. Seems like a bad idea to wear your signature bling if you're in hiding, but whatever! Convinced something is afoot and or a miss, Celine goes back into the rune throne room for the hundredth time and is still visible in the damn mirror. She twists a rune and dribbles in some yummy blood and says she's gonna awaken Victor and show him her memory so he can help her deal with the, you know, Lucian being alive thing, I guess, and probably to show him her cool leather corset. And thankfully, his disgusting, pounding CG heart seems to suggest that he'll have plenty of blood to allocate to certain places when he wakes up.
If you know what I mean is. Penis.
Oh, and Michael goes back to the hospital, but is immediately ratted out to the police by an intern. Partially because he doesn't believe Michael's claims that he was bit by a man because he knows what a man-bite looks like and it's like that. And also because the police want Michael in connection to that subway shooting. But get this, Michael escapes.
What a little escaper! He escapes right into an Uber that takes him back to the vampire mansion, which isn't odd choice, but it's cool because Celine picks him up and then they leave to go somewhere to do some things. There's a lot of things like that.
And yep, Celine kisses Michael and uses that to trick him into getting tied up, which is even hotter, although she claims it's because it's about to be a full moon and he'll transform soon and start eating everybody out. And they chat a bit and Celine reveals that she hates werewolves because when she was a kid like a thousand years ago, a bunch of werewolves broke in and ate her whole family. The only reason they didn't eat her was because Victor came in and saved her and he's been like a surrogate, bloodthirsty daddy ever since. But that's enough exposition for now, so Celine leaves Michael tied up well like a dog.
A man dog. No, no, no, no, down, get him off, get him off, get him off me! Wilfred!
While Celine is en route, titty vamp and Craven get it on, although as far as I can tell, he's completely fully clothed. Dude is still wearing his damn coat. Maybe male vampires have like a like a cloe wake on their chest or something. Yeah, so Victor's awake, but he's looking raw. He also looks like a leathery deflated Bill Nye, so like, like Bill Nye. Wrinkled and alone. He's plugged into either blood tubes or maybe just Twizzlers, and it all just looks like Matrix-style head and arm plugs and shit.
It's like, God, if you love the Matrix so much, why don't you marry it?
Anyway, Victor summons Craven before he even gets a chance to finish, and he realizes Celine is working behind his back and says what I say when my dog shit's on the carpet. Bitch, he's betrayed me.
Victor says he was awakened a century too early, and like, welcome to being a new parent, Victor. I get woken up a century early every day, but the bigger issue is that it is another vampire elder's turn to be awakened next named Marcus. Apparently the deal is the three bad-ass-ist vampires take turns ruling for a while while the other two sleep. In fact, the current ruling elder is named Amelia, and she's actively on her way to wake up Marcus in the next day or two.
Now, everything's out of whack because Celine prematurely squirted blood on Victor. No fair! Then Celine walks in and reveals to Victor that actually Lucian is still alive and Craven lied about killing him 600 years ago or whatever, and Victor is like, that doesn't sound true, but regardless, you woke me up too early and ye must be judged for ye sins, which again is exactly what I say to my daughter every single morning. But he wants to make sure Craven didn't betray them, so Victor sends Craven to find proof of Craven's betrayal. See, that kind of next-level galaxy brain thinking is how you become king of the vampires, baby. Celine, for her part, gets sent to her room for a vampire timeout. So Craven heads off to find some totally iron-clad proof of his betrayal and mentions offhand that Celine is supposed to become his queen someday, but it's not going great. This pisses off the titty vampire who decides to kill the power in the house and free Celine and gives her a bunch of guns. Celine leaves, but she's followed by one of those werewolf SWAT teams.
Everybody's always trying to defund.
Celine heads back to Michael but is accosted by those hairy soldiers. Thankfully, she shoots them all to death as leather-clad sexy women with handguns were wont to do in the early aughts. But inexplicably, she also finds the gross scientist from the beginning of the movie amongst the bodies still alive, so Celine captures them. And despite Celine's total victory, she still makes Michael jump out a window falling some four or five stories, but he's fine because he's like 60% werewolf at this point.
Unfortunately, he's still too much of a wussy to not get picked up by some cops who are waiting outside for, I guess, this exact occurrence. Michael starts shitting himself super hard in the backseat so the cops crank up some new metal on the radio to cover the noise. That doesn't work, though, so they drug him to shut him up and, you know, close his bowels. And I'm starting to think that these cops might be bad dudes.
That's just... I'm being randomized.
Elsewhere, Amelia and a bunch of other sex pots arrive on a train for the great awakening of Marcus, but the train is immediately attacked by werewolves. You know, now that I think about it, maybe they should have picked a night where it was not a full moon outside to expose their queen or whatever. Like, does it have to happen this Thursday? Or could they move it a couple of days when the werewolves are less strong?
Of course, regardless, the problem is exacerbated by the vampire anti-werewolf team they sent to protect Amelia while they're clearly loyal to Craven. They just let all the vampires die without intervening. Also, the big black dude steals Amelia's blood, which feels shitty.
I mean, he should have just asked. If anybody ever asks me for a vial of blood, it's no big deal.
Oh, here Craven and Titty Vamp are smoking, so I guess they did finally climb back. It's good for them. Celine heads back into the rune room with a weird scientist in tow, and Bill Nye is mostly looking normal now, which is to say, still pretty much not great. Tuh.
The scientist decides to reveal the werewolf's entire crazy plan because, you know, that's a thing that people do. He says that back in the day there was this dude who survived a crazy disease and maybe became immortal and maybe had three kids, one of whom got bit by a wolf and became the first werewolf, and one of whom who got bit by a bat and became the first vampire, and a third who saw his brothers getting bit by shit all the time and decided he should maybe stay indoors. But yeah, they all ended up having sex and or biting a lot of people, and now the modern day werewolves have this crazy idea that if they could find a human descendant of this Corvinus bloodline, they could pump them full of werewolf blood and vampire blood, specifically Amelia's elder blood, and that those combined with his special human blood would create some sort of new hybrid bat dog that would be stronger than anything before it. Michael, they believe, one such descendant. Oh, and also yeah, Craven betrayed them and is working with Lucian.
After all that, Victor decides the exposition is over and punches the scientist's face off like the film. Let's just kill each other. This conversation and face punch takes so long, Craven apparently just slips out the back before anybody notices.
Sneaky vampire! Victor decides to attack Lucian's home base because I guess he knows where that is and tells Celine that he'll forgive the whole judgment thing if she can kill Michael for him. And speaking of, oh boy, now we learn that Michael's acquired a bunch of Lucian's memories through that shoulder bite so we get a full on flashback. So Lucian's in chains and wearing like medieval looking clothing and he's getting whipped and there's a vampire lady who's tied up and gets burned up with sunlight.
Then I guess there's a crazy time lapse or maybe outer space work differently in the 10th century because all of a sudden the moon comes out which causes Lucian to get hairy and he escapes. And speaking of the 10th century... Aaaah! Speaking of the 10th century, apparently film techniques were super shaky and sepia toned back then because this scene almost made me want to throw up and or, you know, go watch a brother wear it though.
Michael snaps out of his flash memory bag and Lucian says, yeah, werewolves used to be slaves of vampires but then I wanted some of that sweet sweet pale ass so I married Victor's daughter but Victor thought that was gross. So he set his own daughter on a fire which basically kicked off this thousand year war and Craven walked in and was like, yeah, Lucian was gonna help me become king and I'd help him, you know, create an unholy hybrid and then we'd establish peace between our races which, I mean, that sounds pretty good. Maybe Craven is actually kind of a good dude on the right side of history. I don't know and then a Celine led vampire team attacks so I think Lucian's dudes lock up Craven's dudes and leave to fight the vampire dudes but not Craven who decides, okay, actually Victor might be way too strong so he shoots Lucian and then his dudes get out of the room they're locked in and the leader helpfully tells them to I say I think a lot because there are a lot of white dudes sporting shoulder length black hair and all black leather outfits running around in the dark with guns and it's very difficult to tell who is on whose side and what they're doing and why.
And speaking of the entire aesthetic of Evanescence more nu-metal, baby!
People be shooting at people and I don't know who is what but I am absolutely confounded that people are missing shots in a corridor this tight. This should be the movie's Matrix lobby fight scene equivalent but instead it's 12-year-old sloppily playing paintball.
Anyway, I guess the vampires win that engagement so the big black werewolf dude starts running around and eventually he knocks one of the vampires into some shallow water but not shit that guy's actually he's a whip type vampire. You know, the type of vampire with whips. Always important to have a whip vampire on your vampire squad armed with guns. In case you know something needs to get whipped instead of shot. Well, the black dude becomes a full werewolf and surprisingly werewolf is greater than whips.
So in another room look at these fucking goobers. Are they engaged in close quarters armed combat or are they just trying to dodge duck dip dive and dodge their way through a middle school dodgeball match. Man, they really they really should have hired some better extras for this movie.
Somewhere amidst this silliness Celine separates from the pack and kills some werewolves and does a big old flip that's like barely a C plus and then she goes to find Michael who's for the 15th time in this movie trying to break chains with nothing but his forearms and it hasn't worked so far but you can't fault a man wolf bat for try. My first experience is almost identical. Thankfully Celine saves and kisses him while a not fully dead Lucian watches him and presumably cranks it in the corner. And now I guess Victor has entered the chat and proves he's super strong by killing a werewolf with his bare hands and a sword.
But isn't everybody else using guns? I mean a couple werewolves in the whip pyre aside and don't the werewolves have magic daylight bullets? Whatever happened to those? Maybe they are shooting them but it's just that nobody can hit anybody because man it's fight choreography freaking blows. I don't know why but this makes me want to watch I don't know like the Matrix or something.
Anyway Celine and Michael go through a door and Craven shoots Michael with some of those silver jizzy bullets and Craven reveals that actually Victor ate all of Celine's family. Not werewolves! So now Celine totally hates that backstabbing bitch Victor! That's a backstabbing bitch! Oh and thankfully Lucian finished cranking it and somehow silently crawled up behind Craven because I guess you know just like trains vampires can't hear crawling and Lucian apparently had to crawl really far because they are way far away from where he was actually shot and then Lucian stabs Craven right in his big dumb vampire leg. Then Lucian tells Celine if she wants to save Michael she's gonna have to bite him and he doesn't say where but I'm gonna assume the penis has to be a top five biting spine. She does and Craven kills Lucian for real for real and then Victor walks in and chucks Michael through a wall because wow such ancient power. He could have shot Michael in the head or stabbed him with a sword but no true power is throwing people through walls so they can get up and fight back.
Celine and Victor have a brief heart to heart while Michael transforms into some shitty live-action Navi looking motherfucker so they fight and Michael definitely claws pretty hard but how good are we supposed to believe he isn't fighting? It's like a med student and or butt rock band front man. Bill Nye has been fighting for literally a thousand years. To be fair Michael's ass does get beaten into a blackish blue Navi looking pulp more or less and then all the other vampires remember oh yeah we we should just shoot them I guess with our guns but before the majority of their shots can land Celine kills them so they fight some more and can you imagine losing a fight to Bill Nye? He's a decent actor and seems like a nice guy but come on he's freaking Bill Nye but before he can choke Michael out Celine picks up Victor's discarded sword hacks him in the face and then like slowly floats away because I guess they still had the wire foo rental until the end of the day Victor stands up to fight back but then after approximately 20 minutes half his head slides off I wonder what he was thinking about that whole time half his head was disconnected but he didn't know hopefully not something racist God's gonna ask him about it in like two seconds then Michael becomes human again I guess and Celine just walks past him and he follows without saying a word is that love?
Is that what we're all missing? Or is the dog part of him in control now and making him a very loyal good boy? Oh are you ignoring me now? You're better than me you beautiful golden head prick Back in the throne room the nasty scientist blood drips into that other elder's tomb thing I guess that means Marcus is about to wake up and probably hunt Celine down Will he be hybrid though? Is that scientist a werewolf? Check back next week to find out! Come on son of a Did you see that? Looks like you used to be a real knobby tally worker, yes? God of you Looks like we're getting wet All right well if you freeze on this frame it kind of looks like a dick I feel like that's important to point out Anyway then we get a text recap of the first movie alongside the mention of the first werewolf named William Corvinus who I don't remember ever being mentioned in the first movie also there were a lot of things mentioned in the first movie Dogs!
We open in earnest in the year 1202 AD A bunch of vampires and knock off Lord of the Rings Elvish armor observe the apparent aftermath of a lichen attack on a village Among the knot elves are Victor, Amelia, and Marcus who we never saw in the first movie but was mentioned all the time Marcus! Marcus!
Oh hi, Mark They set the bodies on fire because they're worried they're going to turn to werewolves but I thought it took like two days to become a werewolf? That's what happened with Michael were they two days late? Or were they lying? Or did they forget?
I didn't forget but whatever Fortunately these are the most flammable snow soaked corpses of all time and flammable though they may be they still turn real quick with some pretty graphic body horror and it's honestly not that bad looking for a 15 year old movie So a battle ensues and you'd be forgiven for mistaking this for some fantasy fan film about orcs massacring elves in the snow Victor tells Marcus to run away because if he dies they all die and now we know where Jennifer Lawrence got that line for passengers You die, I die Must be a huge fan Marcus doesn't really run away because he runs right towards where they've caught William who is a very large very white wolf Marcus is mad because they're being mean to his bloodthirsty wolf brother but Victor is like yeah we gotta imprison him forever and ever because dude is crazy Marcus is like okay fine but I am not happy about it Victor is like tell me about it Apparently every word in my mouth tastes like a**hole so I got to spit them out Cut from there to modern day Selene and Michael on the run from apparently everybody Selene keep has them into some sort of wet basement that doubles as a safe house and triples as a lab I guess because Selene is surprised by a big old werewolf body which turns out to be dead They often mention that usually when a werewolf dies it transforms back into a human form but this one didn't because of drugs That is a fairly clever way to paper over the plot hole that it arise from no humans noticing for hundreds of years that entire villages are full of just dead man dogs for no reason although to be fair even if it's just a village of dead naked people truly somebody would notice something to miss right? Well I guess this is a pre-facebook world so nobody had access to reliable Sweet baby Ray's barbecue sauce Selene tells Michael they need to hurry because all the safe houses are connected and somebody probably knows that they're here already but then she tells him she's leaving to confront Kraven before he can wake up Marcus and Michael should stay behind and eat a big old bag of blood to grow stronger and Michael's like yeah I don't want to eat blood but Selene is like if you don't you're going to get real hungry and start eating humans and that's a lot more morally iffy than just slurping down this blood pouch Michael's like I'll think about it and Selene leaves Kraven has already arrived at the mansion and he opens Marcus' tomb thing but then ah shit it's empty and oh shit Marcus explodes out of some other random spot in the ground and kills everybody in first person POV you're some dumbass vampire in tight leather getting vugged and drilled by a hybrid vampire werewolf with wings oh hi Mark Marcus is all juiced up because he did get that werewolf scientist blood in his tomb or whatever so it apparently transformed him into a shity green goblin man these movies really did steal everything from every other early 2000s action movie Matrix Lord of the Rings now Spider-Man you and I are not so different I can't wait until Marcus competes in the special vampire olympics like Johnny Knoxville and the Ringer that's gonna be hilarious not at all problematic when the fuck do we get ice cream anyway Kraven is like I promise I wasn't trying to betray you and Marcus is like doubt it and bites Kraven's shoulder and drinks his blood which allows him to see his memories bro doesn't love what he sees so he chops Kraven's head off then this horrifying monstrous beast from the very deepest depths of hell heads over to computer to peck away at a keyboard like your arthritic grandmom we randomly cut to some big-ass CG boat with a CG helicopter and apparently even vampire transport ship interiors are goth almost all share a designer there's some old dude there and they see on some computer screens that Marcus destroyed the whole mansion cool the old dude then heads down to the boat morgue I guess and he throws on some gloves and grabs a scalpel because I guess he fancies himself something of an amateur mortician and first he opens Lucien's body bag that he somehow has but he is unimpressed then he opens Victor's body bag that he somehow has and then Victor's chest he opens where he finds some shit Iron Man knock-off heart gadget thing and then you know Amelia's in the room too but she is not in a body bag and she has not opened up because even in death you are not covering up or damaging those bad boys no sir still gotta think of the cruise morale these sailors have been out at sea for a long time admiral they need a little uh a little R&R a little uh boobs even if they're dead Dave they're pretty nice you know sailors don't give each other blow jaws anyway they just need some boobs in the corners that's not gay anyway back to Michael he refuses to drink his blood juice like a good boy so he heads into town for a nice meal of what appears to be turkey slop but he really doesn't like the turkey and he can't stop freaking yelling about it which terrifies all the Russians in the bar looks like Michael's about to become a Ukrainian folk hero and yeah he jumps on a dude and then he runs away I guess meanwhile the boat people hear something from a localized Russian radio broadcast because obviously they've got enough personnel on board to monitor every radio transmission in every language all over the entire world and they immediately comprehend that these random Russian cops in the middle of nowhere must be pursuing a loose vampire werewolf hybrid so now the boat people are on their way too Michael's escape is slowed somewhat by his unfortunate habit of turning around and hissing whenever he gets shot they're not going to stop just because you're hissing at them oh guys we should take a break this guy's a little nuts finally Celine shows up kill some dudes and then makes weak Michael drink some of her blood for strength and initially he's hesitant but like dude this is the best most hottest thing to ever happen to you are you kidding me right now if Kate Beckinsale tells you to drink something you drink it I don't care if it's blood or anthrax or mellow yellow what are you who do you what do you who do you think you are just really upset that he got to drink her blood and then Marcus shows up and is like hey Celine I agree with everything you're saying and everything you're doing but also you're a secret that Victor was trying to keep maybe somehow so I'm still maybe going to stab you but then Marcus is shot 7000 times by Michael so they run away they steal a truck and Mike and Mark fight in the backseat like a couple unruly tweens on a road trip to Disney World and at some point Marcus tells Celine that alive or dead she will give him what he wants but what does he want? he wants sex then they get rid of him by running into a canyon wall and they realize he was going for Michael's cool ass medallion and also they realize yeah okay officially Marcus is a hybrid too but oh s**t it's almost daytime in the first race of sunlight melt through Celine's leather gloves because I guess her gloves are also made on a vampire skin which seems like an oversight but fortunately Michael apparently randomly knows about this big ass warehouse just off the road and they drive in there and Michael throws a tarp over Celine in dope ass slo-mo then he starts painting just making some art there's no time Michael you can't rush art whatever when he's finished expressing himself he puts Celine in a storage unit well then he stores his unit in her storage after the sexiest unzip in all of cinematic history now I don't want to be crass but Celine is over 600 years old and she knows how to get it presumably Michael's like 35 dude will not be able to keep him anyway after mashing bits Celine touches Michael's fancy medallion and has a flashback of her own to when she was a kid she realizes they should probably speak to some exiled vampire historian dude to figure out the origins of the thing and then maybe that'll help them determine what Marcus wants fortunately that guy lives apparently 15 minutes away all of Russia is within a five mile radius very convenient so they drive straight there in their truck elsewhere Marcus recuperates in a cave and some Russian soldiers discover the safe house and enter it but how? I thought you needed a specific vampire thumbprint to get in maybe this is a subtle dig at the inherent vampirism of recent Russian political goals time has come to change this that's it but then some spec ops vampires from the boat show up and they blow up the safe house so anyway they find the historian dude and he is finger banging some new titty vampires but Michael and Celine break in causing serious blue balls for everyone involved the historian seeks some werewolves on them but Celine and Michael murder them relatively easily so the historian that sends his titty vampires not sure why but Celine murders them in two seconds which is actually pretty dark the historian guy's like okay fine you can come in now that you've killed all my dogs and my tittied women and also by the way I have those werewolf guards because I'd worked out a deal with Lucian to trade him UV bullets in exchange for werewolf guards you know because historians are also extremely advanced scientists and inventors who can figure out how to trap viable sunlight inside a bullet and also was Lucian doing backroom deals with everybody? Lucian for president then the historian appropriately drops an ass load of exposition on us while elsewhere Marcus eats a horse anyway so Marcus was the first true vampire right and he offered to make Victor who was like a king or some shit a vampire in exchange for his help hunting down and capturing Marcus's twin brother William the first true werewolf and Marcus decided to convince Victor that if Marcus died then all the other vampires would die too because he's basically a mothership in an invasion movie and if William died all the Lycans would die which would effectively eliminate Victor's slave labor because they were using them as slaves except couldn't he just have used any other slaves that he had that weren't werewolves this was like a thousand years ago and slaves were as numerous as Funko Pops but whatever Marcus was lying anyway so yeah they put William in a forever prison built by Celine's dad which is why Victor killed her whole family so nobody could ever find it I mean he didn't kill her but to be fair she looks exactly like Kate Beckins Lucien for whatever reason obtained one prison key while Victor had the others stuck in his friggin chest also Celine has the memory of where the prison is in her blood as one does then the historian is like hey by the way I know somebody who can defeat Marcus I'll arrange a meetup so they leave to meet this mysterious man named Lorenz and it turns out that that's just Mr. Boatman and it turns out he's not named Lorenz at all he's actually Alexander Corvinas the father of Marcus and William and the third person that we have never talked about again and I don't think ever comes up ever again Alexander has been alive doing basically nothing for centuries except cleaning up every time werewolves or vampires die like the world's most exotic janitor Celine is like why don't you stop Marcus he's like I ain't trying to kill my son cuh forget about it cuh and back at the castle the historian buries his titty vampires and ah shit Marcus busts in and drinks the historian's blood to learn what's going on then Marcus attacks the boat and Mike and Mark go back to slapping until Michael is impaled presumably to death and Marcus then impales Celine but like in less important spots and he drinks her blood to learn his bro's location then she shoots him in the face a bunch so he flies away Celine goes over to Michael who seems pretty dead but she drips some blood on him to make sure Marcus kills pretty much everybody on the boat and dons one of their leatheriest dusters to go confront his dad and say mean things I have no respect for your petty sentiment he claims that his plan is to create a new race of hybrids and become their god and says you know what makes somebody truly a god? Not having a dad Sick burn Jesus I'm sorry I'm forgiven then he kills his dad sort of I mean it takes the dad like an hour to die and in that time Celine heads upstairs and sucks the dad for a bit in the hopes that I'll give her some of his power and then she leaves on the helicopter to go to willingness prison and brings along Michael's body bag which is weird and even after all of this Alexander still isn't dead so he decides to just expedite the process by blowing himself in the boat up for literally no reason or purpose seriously if he's trying to hide this vampire boat from humans or whatever I'm pretty sure there's nothing more conspicuous than a huge ass explosion and what's worse the boat doesn't even sink as far as I can tell his glorious suicide accomplishes nothing and they probably could have used those bombs for the climactic fight whatever speaking of Marcus is using his key in a slimy wet prison which is an excellent euphemism if you need one and then he uses the other key for the metal box cage itself and William comes out all angry and hot but I guess Michael talks him down a bit as brothers rarely do elsewhere the leather boys arrive and are excited about how wet it is alongside Celine who by the way refuses a scuba mask and takes a shotgun instead which surely she could bring both? Is the rest of her inventory just over encumbered with huge breasts? Whatever They dive in the water but the team is pretty immediately accosted by Sweet Willy who snuck behind them I guess while Celine and Marcus have a little water battle involving shotgunning him in the chest like 13 times eventually she locks Marcus behind a gate forcing him to transform back into shity green goblin and naturally this causes Michael to come back to life up on the helicopter because he's a hybrid idiot his power is potentially limitless like Jesus power speaking of people who resurrected from the dead thanks to being a combination of two different things man and God and vampire and dog obviously and he comes to join the fight as well well Michael does not Jesus not until the sequel Do you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans? Anyway Celine for her part has really taken the Alexander sucking to heart and is now strong enough to hold entire dudes with one hand and when Willy attacks again she goes pistols akimbo and seems to largely hold the big guy at bay but to be fair oh shit shit huh?
I like to sleep what? I like to sleep oh I mean to be fair to William though Dude has been locked away for what 800 years?
He's almost certainly never seen a gun or a Kate Beckinsail and vacuum-tight leather no way he's prepared for that nobody could be prepared for either of those things without extensive training Thought we're getting wet Anyway Celine also explodes the ceiling as she often does but it's not enough because all the previously bitten dudes start turning even though again like I thought it took two days Then Mike finally joins the chat right as Marcus decides to lift the gate and then destroys the helicopter by pulling it down by its chain while Celine epically flips away To keep things simple Celine squares off versus Marcus and Mike with Willy and Mike eventually tears off William's jaw and Celine stabs Marcus and throws him into the still-spending helicopter propellers and all is right in the world So much so that even when the sun comes up and begins shining on Celine she is unaffected Time for smooches! It's time to go medieval on these pants Do you actually think my ancient vampire magic doesn't extend to wrenches and sh- Damn it! Ah yes, good Another screen-jim awaits boys and girls alongside another shot of this not-dick So apparently this is a prequel set like a literal thousand years earlier and Celine's voiceover informs us we're about two decades into the war between the vampires and the werewolves Interestingly, Marcus and Amelia are already asleep because I guess they instituted the sleeping elder rule like first thing like, ah, shit, we're vampires Well, two of us should probably go to sleep, right? Like, can I go to sleep for a hundred years, please? But anyway, none of these initial werewolves have the ability to re-become human at any point until one day a werewolf they'd inexplicably placed in a jail cell for literally no reason craps out a human-looking baby with a full-on baby dick that the underworld producers might feel comfortable putting in their movie but I do not feel comfortable putting in my movie This kid and the nirvana's nevermind kid are probably now best friends How does that work? Because his baby dick was out If my baby dick was out on TV I would bond with all the other kids who had their baby dicks out on TV Anyway, Victor knows he should do the responsible thing and just curb-stop that baby dick in a pace but he instead raises him as a slave and calls him a lichen which is technically distinct from a full werewolf in that it's a werewolf-human combo Like, he can turn back into a human at some point So apparently I was being racist by just using those terms interchangeably before now I promise that from here on out I resolve to speak less and listen more I need to be better Hairy half-human half-wolves deserve better So yeah, that piece of shit half-breed with uneven breast sizes gets older and pretty good at fighting and snatching the arrows out of the air This kid is Lucian, obviously and they use him to breed an entire race of lichens who they subjugate for slave labor even though I feel like there are better types of slaves that don't transform into murderous beasts But to be fair I've never owned a slave So again, I should listen more and speak less Imagine going and fucking yourself They also use lichens as guards against the more rabid werewolves So now Lucian is a grown-up sexy beefcake blacksmith and he uses his weapons prowess to shoot this impossible double-barreled crossbow shot at some werewolves chasing a sexy vampire lady who was exploring outside the gate This woman turns out to be Victor's daughter Sonia albeit recast for additional hotness and who if I remember my history is going to get absolutely smothered by this beefcake and then killed We already know the ending of this from the last couple movies but just because we know the ending of Romeo and Juliet doesn't mean it's not a classic, right? This is exactly like Romeo and Juliet but Harrier Is that your answer then? You will not come Also, side note how crazy is it that this is basically a period piece? What a freaking wild decision after two straight major trip-off movies to just go back a thousand years and make a Lord of the Rings rip-off and to do it without your star actress legitimately surprised this was Greenland Who says Hollywood doesn't take creative risks? That is a precarious thing Anyway, so the vampire council or whatever is worried because apparently werewolves are killing and or converting a ton of humans and their slaves and so humans are increasingly unwilling to pay for the vampire's protection considering they're not really protecting anything Victor is dismissive of this Another side note so humans are fully aware of both vampires and werewolves like they actively fight and trade with them when historically do they lose that knowledge and why? It's like if in a thousand years we stop believing in the Irish Well, I'll save the love of Christ say yay!
But so yeah Victor throws out the idea of having trustworthy likens run patrols during the day since vampires are notoriously pretty shit at fighting in the daylight But wait, so werewolves can just attack during daytime? If that's the case then yeah there's nothing the vampires can do But the council's like uh I don't know about arming our slaves and sending them out in the woods where we literally cannot watch them Also, a bunch of human nobles are coming tomorrow so somebody run a broom through here or something Elsewhere it seems we've got a real Isengard situation here with a bunch of muddy fetish gear sporting slaves building a big-ass castle That's what I said A mean white guy tries to whip a slave but Lucian catches his hand and says please stop whipping these slaves It's too sexy A bit later a guard randomly kind of limply pushes some slaves because that's what the civil war was all about And Lucian sneaks down a grate into the castle sewer system and out into the world beyond and what does he find? Well, he finds some immortal poon kids Lucian and Sonya tear into each other so hard the camera apparently keeps failing and cutting to black They also perform a physics-defined sex maneuver that I truly cannot comprehend And after they both finished spewing their juices Lucian tells Sonya Oh, he's made a key for the thing around his neck that prevents him from transforming into a werewolf and that he's going to run away in which he considered coming with him since they're already coming together a good bit And she's like Is that your answer then? You will not come Maybe And they go back to the castle where they're spotted by Tannis who is the name of the historian from the last movie but he doesn't immediately tell anybody about what he's witnessed Later, Sonya believes the impending humans are going to get attacked by werewolves so she goes to pick up her sword from that beefcake blacksmith but talk to him for so long Another soldier dude like sticks his head back in a frame to check on her because he's getting a little suspicious She rides off to guard this single cart pulling like 14 human slaves but that doesn't seem like the most valuable thing in the world to defend or attack But we've already transformed the series into a medieval nightmare so we gotta save budget something As expected, werewolves do attack and rip everybody to shreds thanks to their apparent ability to burrow and crawl underneath the surface like a bunch of diglets And they would have killed everybody if not for the heroic efforts of this black dude who punches werewolves in the snout And Lucian stealing a horse and riding to the battle taking his collar off transforming into a werewolf and telling all the werewolves to, you know, please go away but in werewolf speak or something Even still, Lucian is immediately and slapped a bunch by Victor and then whipped while a bunch of sexy first millennium teddy vampires look on He's then hooked into a jail adjacent to the black dude but when the black dude opens his mouth oh my god It's the crazy voice dude from the first movie Good to see that he's still getting work despite being very obviously a terminator Then Lucian starts yelling a bunch about freedom like a real Spartacus Then the humans arrive and visit with Victor and the other vampires and offer them a bunch of silver that they make look like is used for money but I think is actually used for smelting down and killing werewolves with because like what would vampires buy with currency anyway Xboxes are like a thousand years away And then Victor says usually you give us a lot more silver than this and the main human is like yeah well that was before werewolves killed everybody and Victor is like all right well I'll help you fight them off if I can keep half of your silver mind and dude is like what are you talking about? You can't do shit to stop werewolves so Victor throws him through a wall And that is the art of the deal That is what you call the art of the deal Victor later tells Sonia that he's going to kill Lucian and Lucian tells her that Tannis knows about them but hasn't told anybody yet so she goes to confront Tannis and see if there's a way that he could help them escape He basically says that he wants a spot on the council and she's like great I'll leave and I'll vacate my council seat and it's yours Tannis is like cool Sonia then goes to tell Lucian the plan in person or in wolf even though that's unbelievably risky Have somebody else tell Lucian the plan Then again The guard says they only have two minutes but to be fair that's four times what a lusty wolf like Lucian needs to do his foul deed Conditions are perfect Tannis also gives him a key Oh, meanwhile all the captured slaves are intentionally transformed into lichens including the big black dude even though they apparently forget to give him a collar and then the slaves trick a guard into coming into the room and a decolored Lucian kills him and instigates a jailbreak They get pretty far undetected until this clumsy bitch slips and knocks over a bunch of pots and shit This is especially unfortunate because apparently the castle walls are mounted with big ass Scorpio crossbow weapon things that can be swiveled all the way around to shoot inside the castle Now you may be surprised to hear that I'm no big evil siege expert but if enemies scaled the wall and took control of one of those weapons seems like you wouldn't want them spinning around and nuking the keep itself although yes in the event that a bunch of half human half werewolf slave prisoners break out of jail this is incredibly useful as evidenced by how they basically make a large arrow wall somehow A few lichens still manage to escape largely because they don't take fall damage and also because it's daytime so vampires can't follow without becoming car speed critters Victor immediately accuses Tanis of freeing Lucian because Tanis had access to the key to the jail cell but Tanis claims that his copy of the key is in the armory and he shows Victor that yeah a key is there so it could have been him and Victor is like damn I guess you're right they must have had a copy of the key but it's not like they test the key could have been any random key It's too bad the vampires don't have a 100% entirely foolproof way to see if a person is lying by like I don't know drinking their blood and watching their memories DRAPPED AHHHHHH Anyway Lucian is in the woods preparing his best Belorussian defiance resistance by biting and or recruiting a bunch of human slaves to build his army until then he decides to sneak back into the castle which he does at night like an idiot I realize it's literally darker at night but that's when vampires are awake and strong if he snuck in during mid-day they'd all be asleep or at least confined to being inside and forced to watch sadly from the windows as Lucian moistens their sexiest women by strutting around under shirtless and beefcake full but none of this paragraph matters because nothing really happens So yeah elsewhere Victor hides in the dark like a pervert watches his daughter make blood tea or something and then he pops out like hey hey hey did you have Lucian escape? She's like I didn't god dad and he's like yeah well bite's neck He sips on her blood and scrolls through her memories before understandably FLIPPING OUT when he stumbles upon the memory of his naked daughter getting raw dog by a dog Motionless Defenseless Obviously he throws her in jail for forcing that image onto his immortal icy blue retinas So again why didn't he bite Tannis? Did he not want to see his panace? I'm sorry Dave It's like penis It's closer to like Panera A Panini Yeah Panini He didn't want to see his Panini In a long day we haven't had lunch yet But seriously there's so much betrayal and subterfuge going on in this series and yet people rarely ever decide to do the one foolproof thing that reveals everybody's secrets But then again Yeah I mean what if you see them just going wild at a glory hole I thought I'd find you here at the old glory hole I thought I told you to wait in the car Probably not worth the risk Anyway one of Sonya's friends rides out to Lucian and lets him know yeah Sonya's been captured so he decides to run in there and save her as one does And speaking of I love when sword armed guards inspect sounds without pulling their sword first just keeping one hand on the hilt If they did stumble on an attacker to take them like five seconds in a large amount of required wingspan to pull out their weapon a skilled intruder could stab them 300 times before they even got half unsheathed And what do you know that's how he dies Lucian frees Sonya even though she still has apparently tons of swords in her room which is not the most effective house arrest and they escape into the tunnels but Victor drops a bunch of fire bombs on them and they act like they're screwed but they're literally in stone tunnels half full with water It's not like anything is going to burn down on them They can just wait out the fire and or force the soldiers to come attack them and confine quarters where their numbers aren't an advantage or they could leap out of the tunnels and do lots of flips and shit before inevitably getting captured Yeah let's do that This fight scene is great I mean look how many times they punch Lucian instead of like using their swords or crossbows We're also treated to yet another classic Bill Nye fight scene like we've seen so many times throughout the famous action hero's storied career Sonya defeats him and confirms that yes she was 100% raw dog and is now pregnant with a little pup of her own This grosses Victor out and I guess now they're both thrown in jail and then the council sentences Sonya to death because gross is he even circumcised? So Lucian is tied up on the ground and whipped so hard that most of the time the whip doesn't even land on screen much less on his actual back Sonya is also tied up like with her arms in the air and she's exposed to sunlight and sunburns very badly Then Lucian really screams just like goes for it like there's an Oscar on the line Then the moon comes out so Lucian becomes a werewolf grabs Sonya's medallion that we know from the last movie is actually the key to the secret prison of the first werewolf obviously and jumps out a window but couple questions why is the moon significant? He doesn't need a full moon to transform, right? Is it just like poetic or something? Because again if he had the ability to transform and escape dude really should have made his escape during the day the room was full of sunlight they literally couldn't touch him also why doesn't he have a damn collar around his neck? That's the one thing stopping him from transforming and these vampires are like smoking garlic or some s**t it's been a while to be fair Lucian doesn't get super far before getting impaled a bunch Lucian howls into the night and summons a billion feral werewolves for a battle of helms deep rip off with a smattering of the siege of menace tereth vibes I guess it's also like that Game of Thrones episode from season eight where you literally couldn't see anything because they killed all the characters with torches in the first five seconds We'll helm scream The black werewolf finds naked Lucian and then does his best terminator impression while setting the other prisoners free Follow me Lucian gets up to fight Victor but Victor buggers off into the tunnel so Lucian goes down there and they do fight but they're also mostly just hanging on chains and s**t and eventually Lucian stabs Victor in the brain and he falls into the water presumably dead even though we 100% know for a fact that he isn't unless vampires later developed sophisticated cloning technology like Palpatine somehow Palpatine returned that doesn't appear to be the case because Victor is 100% fine and on a boat with Tannis three minutes later so how do they explain his survival?
They don't! Satisfied? It's just a pointless plot twist you already knew the result of for the sake of ending the movie with the hero Victorious and the villain dead without contradicting the fact that they'd already killed Victor in a completely different movie that's set significantly later in life Isn't that cool? Isn't that fun?
I love movies like this Meanwhile, Lucian and the boys conquer the castle but Lucian cautions that this is only the beginning and again I want to ask how all these vampires and werewolves and castles the size of mountains all disappear from recorded history and how do we do that with the Irish? This war is all spells right here This is a special leprechaun flute which has been passed down from thousands of years ago from my great-great-grandfather who was Irish Uh what did I give you? One of my daughters They've got like super magical blood Don't want it Wow The fourth underworld movie opens the same as every underworld movie with an extended recap detailing the millennia long war between vampires and werewolves were apparently set back in modern time because this ain't your brother who is three years older than you's froofy medieval underworld This is the gritty real shit underworld that your brother who is six years older than you was into This time there's an extra twist Humans have finally noticed this war that is shockingly public and they're committed to killing every single non-human In fact, humans have essentially united worldwide and are no longer fighting each other which actually kind of seems like a good thing But of course they're actually the bad guys so the way they go about killing everybody isn't very nice from calling their actions the cleansing to letting helicopters evidently just shoot rockets in the middle of peaceful streets in case somebody down there has pointy teeth or an inversion to outdoor activities The movies trying to portray all this is one of those bad types of genocide But of course then the humans come for the wrong b***h Not gonna say it like that But of course then humans come for the wrong b***h and Celine kills a mess of them and honestly a legitimately pretty cool action sequence that involves blowing up a flamethrower guy even though let's be honest no matter what types of bad guys we're attacking you're not unleashing a dude with a fucked damn flamethrower in the middle of New York City or wherever they are There is nothing like New York in the spring The collateral damage can't possibly be worth it that's not really particularly effective against leather clad women with super speed anyway Anyway Celine blows him up so that settles that Celine heads to the docks to meet Michael but unbeknownst to either of them humans are preparing an ambush to apparently capture Mike Of course what they actually do is blast him into the water with a silver grenade and then drop a depth charge on him Not the most effective way to capture somebody alive but to be fair Mike had already sensed the humans and was tearing his shirt off as he always does to the first hint of danger A shirtless Mike is a dangerous Mike Gotta shut that shit down by any and all available means Anyway then all of a sudden Celine is exactly how I like my women Naked on ice Upside down She busts out of her cryo chamber or whatever and gives a very naked Mila Jovovich in Resident Evil performance that gets five stars from me Speaking of Check it out The reporter lady from the second Resident Evil movie has been upgraded to a scientist Good for her The other scientist in the lab released a bunch of fentanyl in the room to knock her out but Celine jumps through the ceiling maybe and starts breaking their arms and shit And now she's in the hallway using hyperspeed to stab dudes Not gonna lie This movie is And again the action Ain't half bad They let her escape because she'll lead them to subject two or something and we learn that she was held in a facility owned by the company Antigen She also gets shot in the head That doesn't really faze her Seems like if there's an ongoing genocide that everybody would have UV and or silver bullets They're guns, right?
And she just jumped out a window and onto this dude's truck and he's like Ha! Must be a regular-ass human Might as well shoot it in the head Oh no! Oh no!
I thought he should have asked like who she was or gone back in the truck and grabbed the good bullets Whatever, he's dead Celine goes into a room that's full of teeth and I don't think this ever comes up again Then she tries to break into the pier but a guard is like Hey lady, this pier has been closed for 12 years You know Ever since the cleansing and she's like Ah, s**t I way miss my alarm Then she has some yucky flashbacks or possibly is seen through somebody else's eyes as one does Meanwhile, a few cops inspect a brutally massacred body and one cop is like Well, this is definitely a lichen attack and the other cop is like You're an idiot, actually When was the last time a lichen attacked somebody? And the first guy is like I don't know a few years ago and he's like Exactly! Checkmate, b**ch There's an entirely logical human explanation for all these wolf bites A spooky scary And then the mean detective named Sebastian goes to talk to the scientists at the lab about a reported outbreak And the head scientist dude is like Nah, that didn't happen We put the subject down and Sebastian is like Damn, dead end But then he gets back in the car and the other detective is like No, that dude is lying Here's a picture of somebody jumping out the window And again, Sebastian breaks him like he's some sort of idiot I think Sebastian is a terrible detective and a worse boss You don't know that Celine, for her part goes to interrogate another young scientist dude because there are a thousand characters in this movie And he's like We're trying to find a cure to becoming werewolves or vampires And, you know, becoming immortal and never dying Which seems like the opposite of what you'd want And he also says Hey, I helped you escape And she's like Yeah, well, f**k you and drops him out a window Why does she do this? I have literally no idea Why did he help her? Same answer, bop Unless it was so that she'd go find subject too for him since she can occasionally see through their eyes or whatever I mean, I guess that's the answer but since we've never seen this character before and he's currently a splat we may never truly know So now she's trying to follow her visions and some other hot boy character happens to be following her He opens his trench coat to reveal a huge dirty knife sword thing and he runs into Celine reveals that he's also a vampire and then they're attacked by a bunch of s**t lichens These lichens are extra hungry and sad now, you see because they're so hunted by humans Celine and hot boy run to the source of her visions and it's not Michael like you'd expect It's some young girl and I've got $10 it says it's her daughter They're still being chased by Dirty Doggo so they use a magic knife to steal a van and drive down the middle of the city while pursued by lichens Now I don't want to nitpick but just a few minutes ago we saw Celine move at hyper speed that appears much faster than these wolves are moving Hot boy and the daughter should also have that power right? But no this leads to a car chase and side note I'm kind of down with car chases They're just boring Every once in a while there's an exception like in Borne Supremacy or The Raid 2 but I bet we can come up with some other sort of action filler scene like I don't know what about a snowboarding scene? Perfect But yeah so they're attacked and people fight but most notably the girl gets bit hardcore and then rips a lichen in half with her bare hands They drive away but then another new character drives up and checks out some naked werewolf ass Celine decides to bite the girl for blood memories and yep it's her kid Everybody watching this owes me $10 that includes you Dave This girl is like yeah I knew you were my mom because I'd been seen through your eyes too but Celine's eyes have been closed for 12 years What did the girl see exactly? But anyway Hot boy vampire who I just looked up on Wikipedia is apparently named David does a sick completely needless van drift slide and takes them to a secret waterfall coming base thing complete with a door that requires magic rocks and shit to get into Inside a vampire doctor tries to help the girl since her wound isn't healing right and they also find David's dead or should I say Lord Tywin Lannister of the Inglorious toilet death or I guess on Wikipedia it says he's named Thomas Hand of the King Thomas Anyway Lord Thomas is mostly an ass shit for the sake of conflict How dare you He mentions off hand that Michael is dead but if I've learned anything from movies it's that nobody that important dies off screen unless they're tanking the Matrix and they've been stealing food on set The doctor slits her own wrist so the girl can drink her blood which is something I have never been offered by my primary care physician She drinks it and is super into it and she now heals extremely quickly I'll have what she's having Yes! Yes! To test out her new power she literally cuts herself and watches it heal which is probably extremely triggering for some people, right? Like she's just she's cutting herself in a mainstream movie like it's nothing It's fucked up Anyway nobody offers her a new shirt so she wanders around in her blood soaked pajamas until she encounters Tommy again and he reveals the big problem the coven is currently facing is that David wants to go kill all the humans and Thomas does not which again makes him a bad guy I think and speaking of humans attack and David still wants to kill them and Thomas still does not But how are the humans going to get inside through the magic door anyway I don't know but once they do they're going to massacre everybody because nobody taught these vampires about how to take cover Oh but it doesn't matter because actually they're being attacked by lichens I guess Okay Everybody gets killed pretty much despite David's attempts to use a magic whip and also Celine's attempt to do this really elaborate flip that does like no damage Eventually Celine goes toe to claw with some sort of boss wolf She attempts another cool flip but it's not very effective and she's knocked out Celine wakes up to find David and Thomas having given the girl who Wikipedia says is named Eve to the lichens It's all good though because Celine has apparently seen the matrix reloaded and she reaches into David's chest via his stomach of course and fingers his heart until it restarts Is this a power that she's always had?
Why does nobody else have it? And why is nobody else more excited about this development?
Side note Why are lichens all of a sudden to bad guys again? The whole twist of the first movie is that vampires are the ass and lichens are essentially former slave freedom fighters That story was maintained through the second third movie to make the lichens the primary villain again is like if halfway through Saving Private Ryan we decided Oh no actually the Nazis are great It's these mean American soldiers who are the real problem It's Vin Diesel Whatever somehow inexplicably Celine finds her way to Sebastian and confronts him even though I don't think there's any reason for her to know him or that he's involved in this case and she gets him to admit that somebody and the cops might be working with lichens and when they quickly realize Oh no actually Antigen itself is full of lichens and they're working to keep the lichen race alive and in fact they're doing even more than that they're creating a silver vaccine which they've already given to the main scientist and that random dude in the red jacket from like an hour ago and to create more of this stuff they're hoping to harvest Eve's little body to synthesize in a COVID vaccine That's right kids That means they're made out of babies Eve throws a tantrum but it doesn't do anything to delay the surgery and also Sebastian had a secret vampire wife once which sounds very sexy but also she died which is less sexy He drops Celine off at Antigen HQ and she literally just casually saunters to the elevator while all the guards pump her full of lead and I say again This is a lichen facility Surely somebody somewhere has some freaking UV bullets lying around in the event that they're attacked by their mortal enemies with whom they fought for a thousand years but no their stupid children guns do nothing and Celine sticks a bunch of silver nitrate bombs on the elevator in that classic matrix way and the soldiers prepare to kill her when she gets off the elevator but once again forget about the whole cover thing and they explode but like they knew she was armed get behind a damp wall you goobers even in the matrix lobby scene the soldiers take cover whatever outside Sebastian needlessly slides his car into park and spends the rest of the movie yelling into a walkie talkie running and or limping around and getting his ass kicked by various werewolves no need to mention Sebastian again Celine for her part gets attacked and jumps into a vent so she can rip off die hard for a bit and she ends up in a room with a subject zero tank and what do you know it's Mike in there Celine clearly knowing a ton about cryo technology shoots a hole in the tank and then leaves assuming that'll be enough to safely awaken Mike after a dozen years slumber this does make me wonder though they're acting like Eve is super special because she's a hybrid and has hybrid powers but isn't Mike exactly the same?
Why haven't they been harvesting his sh** in this whole time? Why spend 12 years raising Eve when they presumably could have just grabbed a bunch of Mike blood or at least do both and I guess even more than that is her blood growing stronger? Why wait 12 years? Couldn't they just harvest it at any time?
Is it like that mermaid movie where you don't get your powers until the 16th year or whatever? Whatever we've arrived at the final fight scene and because of Celine's attack the head scientist moves Eve to a van so they can do the surgery somewhere less explodey but before they can escape Celine just slams into the van like Terry Tate office linebacker but with terrible tackling form meanwhile the hot boy werewolf transforms into a freaking huge hot boy massive werewolf hot boy vampire also shows up with a shotgun so everybody sort of splits off into their separate fights for us to cut between Celine fights Lobo Grande Eve fights the main scientist who has transformed into Lobo normal and hot boy vampire shoots all the MOOCs who literally just run down an open ramp with no regard for their personal safety one at a time and never apparently bothered to fire their weapons Eve wins by ripping out the scientist's throat hot boy wins by just shooting everybody to death and Celine wins by cutting open the wolf man once he gets butt ass naked for no reason shoving a grenade in an open wound that immediately heals trapping the grenade inside and then watching as he explodes in a weird bloodbath and okay fine Sebastian wins by quietly lying on the ground he tells the rest of the team to run and he'll buy them some time by saying they went in a different direction but like what is his alibi what the hell is he doing surrounded by bodies at a medical facility also where is his significantly more talented and intelligent partner I don't know but hey Mike apparently escaped just in case Scott Speedman is willing to come back for another movie and I bet if he did they'd welcome him we're all right oh my Celine in voiceover also confirms that yeah lichens are the main villains again even though the vampires are still out here butchering the ancestors of slaves for getting all uppity and trying to not be forced extinct by extremely targeted bad version genocide clearly the lichens are the villains here boys becoming men men becoming wolves I'm now more powerful because I have highlights escape the pants then shut up I am not a mind reader well penis boy got upgraded so that's a bad start thankfully there's another Celine voiceover recap just in case we weren't watching all these movies back to back while slowly swing it up in these leather pants the recap doesn't reveal anything new except that they've hidden Eve away and everybody wants her blood because it could end the war like how and also are humans no longer an issue did they just go back to thinking that werewolves and vampires and the Irish were extinct again I want to go give me the gold I don't know but we also learn that Celine has nothing and is an outcast and is actively participating in a motorcycle chase I guess Scott Speedman still didn't want to come back either so Michael is officially confirmed to be dead even though he literally escaped in the last movie clumsy ass I'm gonna get hit by a car anyway Celine gets harpooned and beaten up a bit but then she gets up and kills them all and it turns out they're lichens she's given assistance when hot boy David shows up in a fresh new whip and Celine's like damn that's a fresh new whip and David is like it's been really hard finding you it took me like 30 seconds of run time he also mentions that the lichens are organizing under a new leader named Marius pronounced like how a New Jersey and might adorably try and pronounce the name of an Italian plumber I took Mario but after two PT Hime Q shoot shoot die as he's saying this a surviving lichen shoots David in the tummy and then Celine shoots him in the feet and tells him to go tell Mario that she doesn't know the location of her daughter so please leave her alone please he grunts in the affirmative and scrabbles away while Celine inspects David's wound and realizes it's a new type of bullet finally they're using useful ammo and it turns out that it's a like a burrowing bullet interesting but is that better than a UV bullet that instantly kills you from the inside down it then we get a brief little surgery scene and Celine pulls out the bullet and everything's really tense and scary as if she couldn't just restart his heart if he dies for some reason anyway now we cut to count Tywin slash Thomas pulling up to some new sexy vampire mansion looks like Tommy's done slomming it in caves who's about to get his thang wet in a real bed baby he has a brief meeting with a vampire named Samira who doesn't outright say what she wants from him forgetting that Thomas is historically a very catty bitch kindly to an old vampire the courtesy of telling him why he's been invited here Samira says fine what I want is for you to convince the council to stop hunting Celine for the murder of Victor and bring her in to pull a major pain and train the next generation of death dealers what are you looking at ass ass oh apparently they have a council again vampires have really recovered since the last movie I guess why else would you have a council Thomas is like all right yeah that's fine she did bring my son back from the dead and Samira's like wow that's wild and that's the most anybody is excited about this situation in the whole series imagine if a bunch of people believe Jesus was resurrected and we're just like man that's wild I'm gonna go back to fishing and **** what do you think you're doing we're going fishing so whatever Thomas goes before the council and suggests the thing that he was asked to suggest and at first they're like no but then they say okay if you can find her but like good luck side note I just love council scenes in movies they're so vibrant it pains me to say it but Thomas is right elsewhere we see what is presumably a wolf train station and we follow a character but we don't see his face for a full 40 seconds until a slow reveal shows us some white guy they withheld the reveal like he was going to be ****ing Batman or Sir Patrick Stewart not Prince Philip from the crown what's a miss obviously this is Marius and he's like I'm the leader wolves shouldn't fight each other and also if we find Celine we could use her daughter and use her blood to become invincible so is lichen invincibility how her blood ends the war do they just mean that whoever has the blood will have the fantasy equivalent of nuclear weapons I don't know but then that werewolf that Celine had let go delivers his message which Marius unsurprisingly does not believe but then the werewolf reveals that he also planted a tracker on David which will be useful speaking of while David recovers Celine pulls out what I thought was a tracking device but also appears to maybe just be a lock of pubic hair I mean I guess that's what a werewolf tracking device would look like right? but oh no she finds the actual tracker so I guess the other thing is just regular boring pubic hair and now they're being attacked by some lichens or something but they go out and the camera whips around a bunch and it no it's vampires so they found her in like 12 seconds they found her so fast they beat the guys that literally had a tracking device on her so not difficult then at all if she can be found great oh but now the lichens arts oh no the vampires just drove away before they got there cool cool cool cool cool so Celine shows up at the mansion and they're like all right train these turds also this weirdo dude is named Varga and he's actually pretty good at killing dogs already but before they do any training they must throw a party because Samira says what I always say to my wife when she says that I can't possibly need to play any more Elden rings it's always a need to indulge in pleasure then Samira reveals herself to actually be yet another titty vamp which as we know by now means she's probably evil to prove how evil and powerful and titty-full she is she forces Varga to give her a blowie and apparently she's also angling for a spot on the council the first titty vamp to be on a council that'd be historic each glass ceiling okay now the training can begin and what genius regimen does Celine introduce? Apparently just standing completely still in an open room in a line shooting at time crisis to virtual reality wolves while saying stuff like werewolves are the weakest when they're wolves because they're not very good at aiming ak-47s and those wolves don't stand a chance now now that they have such logic in their brains they're gonna fight so good the vampires? don't aim where the like names anticipate anyway elsewhere in the room a couple of vampires do some MMA in case Chuck Lydell or Shogun Rua ever get bit by werewolves and Varga challenges Celine to a sparring session she agrees but Varga is a cheater and he stabs her with a poison blade then Samira shows up is like gotcha you piece of shit I just want your blood because I bet if I drink it I'll get real powerful then Varga shoots every other vampire in the room with UV bullets and pulls the vampire fire alarm and blames everything on the paralyzed Celine they move her somewhere and David and Thomas try to get to her but the guard is like nah boss so Thomas shows David a secret passageway complete with peepholes that I guess he used to use in the past to watch titty vamp stress and they end up in Samira's room where Celine is strapped to a bloodletting rack which is a very exciting development they however seem entirely unsurprised like ugh a bloodletting rack?
Again? Why does this keep happening? Gym face!
Of course before they can fully commit to the unforgivable sin of unstrapping Celine from the rack Varga and Shmegma show up and even though Varga already has a pistol drawn and Thomas literally yells that he's going to distract them so David and Celine can escape Varga decides to holster his gun to make sure the upcoming sword fight takes a little bit longer Thomas is Darth Vader by Samira though but you know hey at least he wasn't actively on the shit so things are looking up for Tylen David and Celine jump out the window because now they're both impervious to sunlight I guess and David lets Celine sippy sip on his blood for a bit so she can recover and wake up and she experiences a little blood memory of what just literally happened seconds ago and then they talk and reveal some personal shit about their lives but who cares about that? Your family And even though they escaped the vampires know where Celine is going because they catch her boarding a train on some grainy security footage because literally nobody else in the world dresses like that apparently they're going to some weird nor their Nordic coven that some of the vampires think is a legend but which Samira claims is definitely real because she lived there for a while apparently so why does anybody think it's a legend? So Samira puts on her tittiest dress to go inspire the troops for the upcoming chase ultimately she won't be able to hunt down Celine with them because Celine's blood still has shity poison in it and she needs to wait for that to dissipate before she can chug it and gain her power or whatever of course they're not the only ones interested in grabbing Celine and Marius be fucking one of them vampires and she lets him know the vampire's plan so whatever now David and Celine are riding horses in the snow and climbing ice in a very ice climbery way and eventually they arrive in a coven full of vampires wearing white which is pretty atypical for all these goth weirdos they also talk about how peaceful they are which is pretty atypical for these goth weirdos also also they reveal David's dead mom isn't a piece of low born vampire but actually Amelia from the first movie meaning that technically he's the official heir to the eastern coven throne that they you know just escaped from what a cool rape Palpatine style twist somehow Palpatine return because of this they give him some friggin sword but David's mad about it so they also give him this metal ball thing so that should help turns out the ball has some of his mommy's blood which he drinks obviously he learns that yeah Amelia was his mom cool but oh shit like it's attacking they come in with guns literally blazing but these elf looking motherfuckers only have swords and shit so the fight scene ends up becoming some sort of hybrid between the first two movies and the third movie which could be seen as a metaphor for hybrids like Michael and Eve wow powerful David grabs his sword and kills shit and eventually grabs a gun to kill more shit but are we to believe the werewolf guns have silver bullets because if not they're not going to be very effective are they in fact do the werewolves even have uv bullets because if not they're not very effective why do they mention they have cool ammo if they only use it like seven percent of the time I don't know but Celine and Marius tussle a bit including this moment where they swing at each other ten times without hitting anything and Marius hucks her out a window but then she one ups him by hucking him off a cliff at the bottom he transforms into what can only be described as a were gorilla or maybe a weresquatch he picked up a sword for actually a second time but he throws it aside rather than use it presumably because he still needs info from Celine but his girlfriend has no such qualms she stabs her and then licks Celine's blood for memory info and again they really should be doing this non-stop Samira should never have been able to pull off any sort of treachery they should have blood checks every morning like a metal detector anyway the blood doesn't lie and now it's proven that Celine actually doesn't know where her daughter is so Marius shoots her a hundred times but again with presumably regular-ass bullets so Celine slides into the ice water which will probably counteract the bullet wounds if I know anything about anything and I assure you I'm basically an actual dog the werewolves give up the attack and go attack the other coven even though basically every character in the movie from Marius to the head council vampire believes the coven to be impenetrable that was the whole reason Marius needed Eve's blood otherwise they couldn't get in but you know now that nothing has changed it must be the perfect meanwhile it turns out these elvish vampires have a weird-ass mummification process whereby a vampire can halfway die and visit the sacred well whatever the hell that means and it's never explained or really shown in the movies but apparently you know they can see things in the sacred realm and they can learn things so they do that to Celine back at the eastern coven Celine's blood has finally become potable so Samira chugs a bunch to grow stronger and then throws like 75% of it on the floor I get that she's selfish and shit but why not give some to Varga? Why does he not at least ask for a sippy sip? Imagine how good his blows could be with Celine powers outside the hairy dick-whipped vampire kills a guard to I guess create an opening for the wolves but then she just walks inside to talk to Samira who would you know it is decked out and fetish gear once again Samira gives her like a little gay kiss and is like I knew you were betraying me and kills her and again they should be regularly checking the fucking blood then she and Varga head to the council and pull a January 6th on them but then David shows up inexplicably and is like by the way I'm actually the king here and he gives the council a sip from his mom's blood balls and they're like ah shit he's right and look most of us live in the year 2022 give or take how long this video remains popular and the idea that power or governmental authority is passed along through blood is an old-ass and foreign concept nobody watching this movie is like ah shit yeah I mean if his mom was a royal elder then yeah he's for sure qualified to rule wow that's so cool that doesn't make for an interesting movie development that's why the last Jedi could have been interesting Rey was powerful despite her lineage she had to step up and earn her place except no actually her dad is galactic royalty so whatever somehow Palpatine returned we need more active protagonists who create their value rather than discover it on ancestry.com and I promised myself I wouldn't go home ah my hair but Varga apparently doesn't agree with me because he turns his guns on Samira's like sorry whoever has the purest blood meanwhile Lycans are amassed outside and so the vampires mobilize and mostly take cover for once I mean cover behind wooden staircases with huge gaps in the slats but it's something it's progress the Lycans obviously affixed classic werewolf breaching charges to the front door blow it open and rush the breach with classic werewolf riot shields then they whip out a classic werewolf mounted grenade launcher to punch holes in the walls and allow sunlight in because for the first time ever Lycans have decided to take advantage of vampire's main weakness David and Marius shoot at each other a bunch but per usual nobody thought to arm themselves with the bullets that would actually harm the other person then they look to the east and Celine shows up like Gandalf the White with highlights and hyperspeed even though she already had hyperspeed in the last movie but maybe this time it's hyper-er she's also brought along some Rohirrim looking vamps from the Nordic covenous reinforcements of course because this was such a surprising development the fighting pauses for a moment to allow all the Lycans to transform into werewolves it's only fair they were surprised oh right and in the middle of all this Samira escapes and grabs a sword so she and David fight for a bit until he stabs her in the brain it sure looks fatal but let's remember this exact same thing happened to Victor and it didn't slow him down for a bit so we'll see Celine shoots Marius about 11,000 times and gets some Marius blood in her mouth and learns that Marius killed Michael in fact that's the whole reason he's so strong he's been butt chugging vials of Mike's blood like I said the scientist should have done in the last movie and it's weird right because I've been trying something similar with my dog for weeks but I actually feel worse trying to lubricate my legs with my dog blood they fight in the octagon until Celine rips his spine which is something that no amount of dog blood smoothies can fix then Celine cuts his head off and shows the other werewolves and is like guys get out of here please so they do and presumably this ushers in a time of peace also Celine is now an elder there's a brief shot of her daughter which maybe with something she saw in the sacred world I don't know who cares it's over should I please get out of these pants now do whatever you want I didn't actually put a curse on them you're just fat I mean screw you Bill Knight I'm down it then we get a brief little surgery scene and Celine pulls out the bullet and everything's really tense and scary as if she couldn't just restart his heart if he dies for some reason anyway now he cuts a count Tywin slash Tom is pulling up to some new sexy vampire mansion looks like Tom he's done slummin' it in caves who's about to get his thing wet in a real bed, baby he has a brief meeting with a vampire named Samira who doesn't outright say what she wants from him forgetting that Thomas is historically a very catty bitch kindly do an old vampire the courtesy of telling him why he's been invited here Samira says fine what I want is for you to convince the council to stop hunting Celine for the murder of Victor and bring her in to pull a major pain and train the next generation of death dealers what are you looking at ass ass oh apparently they have a council again vampires have really recovered since the last movie I guess why else would you have a council Thomas is like all right yeah that's fine she did bring my son back from the dead and Samira's like wow that's wild and that's the most anybody is excited about this situation in the whole series imagine if a bunch of people believed Jesus was resurrected and were just like man that's wild I'm gonna go back to fishing and what do you think you're doing we're going fishing so whatever Thomas goes before the council and suggests the thing that he was asked to suggest and at first they're like no but then they say okay if you can find her but like good luck side note I just love council scenes in movies they're so vibrant it pains me to say it but Thomas is right elsewhere we see what is presumably a wolf train station and we follow a character but we don't see his face for a full 40 seconds until a slow reveal shows us some white guy they withheld the reveal like he was going to be fucking Batman or Sir Patrick Stewart not Prince Philip from the crown obviously this is Marius and he's like I'm the leader wolves shouldn't fight each other and also if we find Celine we could use her daughter and use her blood to become invincible so is lichen invincibility how her blood ends the war do they just mean that whoever has the blood will have the fantasy b***h equivalent of nuclear weapons I don't know but then that werewolf that Celine had let go delivers his message which Marius unsurprisingly does not believe but then the werewolf reveals that he also planted a tracker on David which will be useful speaking of while David recovers Celine pulls out what I thought was a tracking device but also appears to maybe just be a lock of pubic hair I mean I guess that's what a werewolf tracking device would look like right but oh no she finds the actual tracker so I guess the other thing is just regular boring pubic hair and now they're being attacked by some lichens or something but they go out and the camera whips around a bunch and it no it's vampires so they found her in like 12 seconds they found her so fast they beat the guys that literally had a tracking device on her so not difficult then at all if she can be found great oh but now the lichens arts oh no the vampires just drove away before they got there cool goo goo goo goo so Celine shows up at the mansion and they're like all right train these turds also this weirdo dude is named Varaga and he's actually pretty good at killing dogs already but before they do any training they must throw a party because Samira says what I always say to my wife when she says that I can't possibly need to play any more Elden rings so is me to indulge in pleasure then Samira reveals herself to actually be yet another titty vamp which as we know by now means she's probably evil to prove how evil and powerful and titiful she is she forces Varaga to give her a blowie and apparently she's also angling for a spot on the council the first titty vamp to be on a council that'd be historic each glass ceiling so okay now the training can begin and what genius regimen does Celine introduce? Apparently just standing completely still in an open room in a line shooting at time crisis to virtual reality wolves while saying stuff like werewolves are the weakest when they're wolves because they're not very good at aiming AK-47s and those wolves don't stand a chance now now that they have such logic in their brains they're gonna fight so good the vampires? Don't aim where the likelihoods anticipate anyway elsewhere in the room a couple of vampires do some MMA in case Chuck Lydell or Shogun Rua ever get bit by werewolves and Varaga challenges Celine to a sparring session she agrees but Varaga is a cheater and he stabs her with a poison blade then Samira shows up is like gotcha you piece of **** I just want your blood because I bet if I drink it I'll get real powerful then Varaga shoots every other vampire in the room with UV bullets and pulls the vampire fire alarm and blames everything on the paralyzed Celine they move her somewhere and David and Thomas try to get to her but the guard is like nah boss so Thomas shows David a secret passageway complete with peepholes that I guess he used to use in the past to watch titty vamp stress and they end up in Samira's room where Celine is strapped to a bloodletting rack which is a very exciting development they however seem entirely unsurprised like ugh a bloodletting rack again why does this keep happening gym face of course before they can fully commit to the unforgivable sin of unstrapping Celine from the rack Varaga and Schmegma show up and even though Varaga already has a pistol drawn and Thomas literally yells that he's going to distract them so David and Celine can escape Varaga decides to holster his gun to make sure the upcoming sword fight takes a little bit longer Thomas is Darth Vader by Samira though but you know hey at least he wasn't actively on this **** so things are looking up for Tywin David and Celine jump out the window because now they're both impervious to sunlight I guess and David lets Celine sippy sip on his blood for a bit so she can recover and wake up and she experiences a little blood memory of what just literally happened seconds ago and then they talk and reveal some personal **** about their lives but who cares about that your family and even though they escape the vampires know where Celine is going because they catch her boarding a train on some grainy security footage because literally nobody else in the world dresses like that apparently they're going to some weird nor their Nordic coven that some of the vampires think is a legend but which Samira claims is definitely real because she lived there for a while apparently so why does anybody think it's a legend? So Samira puts on her tittiest dress to go inspire the troops for the upcoming chase ultimately she won't be able to hunt down Celine with them because Celine's blood still has **** poison in it and she needs to wait for that to dissipate before she can chug it and gain her power or whatever of course they're not the only ones interested in grabbing Celine and Marius be **** in one of them vampires and she lets him know the vampire's planned so whatever now David and Celine are riding horses in the snow and climbing ice in a very ice-climary way and eventually they arrive in a coven full of vampires wearing white which is pretty atypical for all these goth weirdos they also talk about how peaceful they are which is pretty atypical for these goth weirdos also also they reveal David's dead mom isn't a piece of **** low-born vampire but actually Amelia from the first movie meaning that technically he's the official heir to the eastern coven throne that they you know just escaped from what a cool rape Palpatine style twist somehow Palpatine returned because of this they give him some frigging sword but David's mad about it so they also give him this metal ball thing so that should help turns out the ball has some of his mommy's blood which he drinks obviously he learns that yeah Amelia was his mom cool but oh **** like it's her attacking they come in with guns literally blazing but these elf-looking motherfuck*ers only have swords and **** so the fight scene ends up becoming some sort of hybrid between the first two movies and the third movie which could be seen as a metaphor for hybrids like Michael and Eve Wow powerful David grabs his sword and kills **** **** and eventually grabs a gun to kill more **** but are we to believe the werewolf guns have silver bullets because if not they're not going to be very effective are they in fact do the werewolves even have UV bullets because if not they're not very effective why do they mention they have cool ammo if they only use it like seven percent of the time I don't know but Selene and Marius tussle a bit including this moment where they swing at each other 10 times without hitting anything and Marius hucks her out a window but then she one ups him by hucking him off a cliff at the bottom he transforms into what can only be described as a were gorilla or maybe a weresquatch he picked up a sword for actually a second time but he throws it aside rather than use it presumably because he still needs info from Selene but his girlfriend has no such qualms she stabs her and then licks Selene's blood for memory info and again they really should be doing this non-stop Samira should never have been able to pull off any sort of treachery they should have blood checks every morning like a metal detector in a high school anyway the blood doesn't lie and now it's proven that Selene actually doesn't know where her daughter is so Marius shoots her a hundred times but again with presumably regular ass bullets so Selene slides into the ice water which will probably counteract the bullet wounds if I know anything about anything and I assure you I'm basically an actual dog the werewolves give up the attack and go attack the other coven even though basically every character in the movie from Marius to the head council vampire believes the coven to be impenetrable that was the whole reason Marius needed Eve's blood otherwise they couldn't get in but you know now that nothing has changed it must be the perfect one strike meanwhile it turns out these elvish vampires have a weird ass mummification process whereby a vampire can halfway die and visit the sacred well whatever the hell that means and it's never explained or really shown in the movies but apparently you know they can see things in the sacred realm and they can learn things so they do that to Selene back at the eastern coven Selene's blood has finally become potable so Samira chugs a bunch to go stronger and then throws like 75% of it on the floor I get that she's selfish and but why not give some to Varga why does he not at least ask for a sippy sip imagine how good his blows could be with Selene powers outside the hairy dick whipped vampire kills a guard to I guess create an opening for the wolves but then she just walks inside to talk to Samira who when you know it is decked out and fetish gear once again Samira gives her like a little gay kiss and is like I knew you were betraying me and kills her and again they should be regularly checking the ****ing blood then she and Varga head to the council and pull a January 6th on them but then David shows up inexplicably and is like by the way I'm actually the king here and he gives the council a sip from his mom's blood balls and they're like ah **** he's right and look most of us live in the year 2022 give or take how long this video remains popular and the idea that power or governmental authority is passed along through blood is an old ass and foreign concept nobody watching this movie is like ah **** yeah I mean if his mom was a royal elder then yeah he's for sure qualified to rule wow that's so cool that doesn't make for an interesting movie development that's why the last Jedi could have been interesting Rey was powerful despite her lineage she had to step up and earn her place except no actually her dad is galactic royalty so whatever somehow Palpatine returned we need more active protagonists who create their value rather than discover it on Ancestry.com and I promised myself I wouldn't cry ah my hair ah but Varga apparently doesn't agree with me because he turns his guns on Samira's like sorry I serve whoever has the purest blood meanwhile lichens are amassed outside and so the vampires mobilize and mostly take cover for once well I mean cover behind wooden staircases with huge gaps in the slats but it's something it's progress the lichens obviously affix classic werewolf breaching charges to the front door blow it open and rush the breach with classic werewolf riot shields then they whip out a classic werewolf mounted grenade launcher to punch holes in the walls and allow sunlight in because for the first time ever lichens have decided to take advantage of vampire's main weakness David and Marius shoot at each other a bunch but per usual nobody thought to arm themselves with the bullets that would actually harm the other person then they look to the east and Celine shows up like Gandalf the White with highlights and hyperspeed even though she already had hyperspeed in the last movie but maybe this time it's hyper she's also brought along some Rohirrim looking vamps from the Nordic covenant's reinforcements of course because this was such a surprising development the fighting pauses for a moment to allow all the lichens to transform into werewolves it's only fair they were surprised oh right and in the middle of all this Samira escapes and grabs a sword so she and David fight for a bit until he stabs her in the brain it sure looks fatal but let's remember this exact same thing happened to Victor and it didn't slow him down for a bit so we'll see Celine shoots Marius about 11,000 times and gets some Marius blood in her mouth and learns that Marius killed Michael in fact that's the whole reason he's so strong he's been butt chugging vials of Mike's blood like I said the scientist should have done in the last movie and it's weird right because I've been trying something similar with my dog for weeks but I actually feel worse trying to lubricate my legs with my dog blood they fight in the octagon until Celine rips his spine which is something that no amount of dog blood smoothies can fix then Celine cuts his head off and shows the other werewolves and is like guys get out of here please so they do and presumably this ushers in a time of peace also Celine is now an elder there's a brief shot of her daughter which maybe was something she saw in the sacred world I don't know who cares it's over can I please get out of these pants now do whatever you want I didn't actually put a curse on them you're just fat I mean screw you Bill Knight |
TheOnion | Is_It_Time_For_The_Osweiler_Family_To_Admit_The_Brock_Osweiler_Experiment_Has_Failed | Okay, are the online listeners finished with that auto-playing advertisement? Excellent. Okay, I know this is going to stir up a little controversy, but I can't hold back on this one.
I think it's time for the Osweiler family to admit that the Brock Osweiler experiment has failed. Now clearly, Kathy and John had high hopes when they first brought Brock home from the hospital. They invested a lot of resources into him over the years, and they always claimed he had a lot of potential. But so far, he just hasn't lived up to their expectations as a son. And at some point, you have to cut your losses. The Brock era in the Osweiler family is over. I mean, Brian Hoyer probably would have made a better son. Brock's a good guy, but he's just got too many flaws for the family to stick with him as the face of the family Christmas card. At the end of the day, they have to ask themselves, is the Osweiler family better with him or worse?
Okay, coming up, should Celtics fans return the pieces of Gordon Hayward's tibia that flew into the stands? Okay, we're back and we're sweating. Let me ask you something. How much success can Dwayne Wade have this season coming off the bench to greet LeBron? Everyone knows Wade's not the player he used to be, but I think he could still hop off and give the Cavs some very solid fist bumps and have some encouraging chatter with LeBron. He's probably good for what, three, four hugs per game? Hey, I know some people who say he already looks better throwing his arm around LeBron and handing him a water bottle than he did as a starter. I think as the season goes on, we're going to see some very strong embraces from Wade. Okay, coming up, is it too early to predict the Chiefs will score another touchdown this season? |
SaturdayNightLive | doctor_s_office_snl | Sure, you don't want to use any drugs for the delivery? Well, we've thought about it and we really want to have a natural birth. Funny. a couple of dope heads like you thought we'd jump at a chance to get high illegally. excuse me, we are not drug addicts. huh?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? did you just tell me I was attractive? she didn't say that. it's a chum. the old Ball and chain is into O.p.p. if you catch my drift. hey, you know something? you are really hot. the Dabberwalls have been waiting for nearly an hour. Thank you, Molly Shannon. send them in right away. we're not done. I'm terribly sorry.
I double book my patients so I can make more money and be happier with my life. What? I think we want to switch doctors. yeah, well, knock yourself out, toots. someone knows their way around your shiny town like me. you can't talk to people like that. Well, I just did talk to people like that. Now, scoot it. scoot it. scoot it. move it on out. All right. that should clear my schedule for the day. at last, a little me time. better call Beverly. check. hello. Hi, doctor. hi, Simon. Oh, it's you. Is this a bad time? Frankly, yes. you scheduled this time. that's a lie and you know it. But since you're here, let's just do this. I wasn't lying. just let go, honey. let it go. Well, everything seems to be pretty good. I can feel the baby kicking. maybe he'll grow up to be a place kicker. Maybe. Enough! could you not yell like that?
I have very upsetting and shocking news. Oh, my God. What? What? after taking over 400 polaroids of your choo-choo, I have determined. excuse me. what's a choo-choo? Heaven on earth, my friend. yeah. some people call it the love llama. Anyway, after taking several hundred photos, I came to the conclusion, very startling conclusion that will change your lives forever. hold on. this will just take a second.
Hello? what? Well, I'd love to change my long-distance service. Yeah. no, no. now's a great time for me. uh-huh. hold on. I've got a call waiting. Hello? Beverly! my old friend. how are you?
Oh, my god. I love hungry hungry hippos. Oh, I didn't know they had tournaments. What? third place? that's fabulous. No, I'm completely alone right now. please go on in great detail.
Oh. oh. ah! yee! ah! please stop doing that. What's that, Beverly? yeah, I've got a couple of pieces of trash here in my office. real scum. we can hear you. the guy's got this bony, oblong head. mm-hmm. the kind you'd pay money to kick. And the chick's just an old-fashioned fatty with a face like a rotten bee's nest.
All right, you know what? come on. gotta go, old chum. gotta go. see you at the races. and oh, yeah. sorry for your loss. Well, the police were never that bright. Anyways. All right. bye, now. excuse me.
Ah! who are you? Molly Shannon, help me! Help me! Call the Police. there's a couple of greasers here to rob me.
Doctor, these are the Dabberhills. you had an appointment with them, remember? Oh. I see. Whoo! is there anything else, Doctor? no, I just thought they were greasers. Thank you, Molly Shannon. you are a delight. as are you, sir. Now, where were we? you said you had some startling news for us. Yeah. what? Oh, yes! you're not pregnant.
How is that possible? it happens all the time. one of your kidneys just happens to be shaped like a baby. And then you started getting fat. But we heard the heartbeat. that was the bass drum from the Toto cover band that lives next door. what are you talking about?
I'll be honest. I don't know. my mind is elsewhere. I got in a traffic argument this morning. this woman must have been at least 80, and I slapped her pretty hard in the face. And then I ripped all her groceries out of her car and threw them on the street and backed over them with my humvee. I feel crummy about it. Well, you probably shouldn't do things like that. you shut that smelly mouth of yours now, or I'll slap you. There I go again.
Wait. what is your deal? what's my deal, Bucko? I'll tell you what my deal is. I'm gonna go karate on your face. that's my deal, Honcho. Huh? is that a good enough deal for you? huh? huh? You feeling strong, Fuerte? I'm gonna fight you.
Yes, I am having the baby. Oh, that was a contraction. Oh, God. what are we gonna do? foil some blankets, get some dog food. tape some old episodes of Benson. Molly Shannon, what are we gonna do? tell me this is a dream. Okay. everything's gonna be okay. everything's gonna be okay, but we're gonna deliver a baby.
What the hell I am? Bloody Murder!
Is he really a doctor? No, he's not a doctor, but he's an affluent gentleman. Now, come on, let's get you to the hospital. that was a tough one. my dogs are barking. good God. what I put up with. yikes. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | prime_minister_malcolm_turnbull_launches_betoota_s_australia | Thanks for coming along everyone. This book that we're talking about today is pretty much channeling our greater ethos as a newspaper and I'd like to pass over from Mr Turnbull to talk about that and the position we play in the Australian media and the state of the Australian media in general. Well thank you very much Clancy and it's great to be here with a federal member for Batuta. This of course is Australia's oldest newspaper so it's asserted that it's very good and of course published in one of Australia's thriving metropolis's Batuta. And I want us to say there's a great example here from the Batuta Advocate that other media organisations can take up.
Threatened by the digital revolution. Formidably challenged by Facebook and Google. Many have cried foul and unfair. Stop doing it to us you digital darts.
What does the Batuta Advocate do? They diversify into beer.
They know that is one thing that will never go out of date. And I'll stick with it. And I see Craig Laundy here says that's on a winner too. So I'm very pleased to be here to launch. You've got it. Very good. That's very good.
And very happy to launch Batuta's Australia. A guide to the great southern land by Australia's oldest newspaper.
A satirical newspaper but one of the good things about this satirical newspaper is they know they're a satire. Thank you very much and good luck. We'd just like to point out that it's independent regional news. We don't go by the term satire. Mr Prime Minister, thank you.
But this is a book that burst a lot of bubbles. A few things happened over the last couple of years in world politics that made people question. Well no, the polls said this and I think this book will help everyone here because you don't often find a nation as poorly represented as the nation we have when we look around us today with both politicians and journalists. So there's a few bubbles that need to be burst. Plenty of different demographics in here from the Yaya in Oakley with the concrete front lawn to the First Nations households in the Acacia Ridge with the Bullybeef and Michael Jackson CDs.
Straight to the Jetski owner in Skermo's electorate over there. We've covered everyone and it's actually the 11th edition. I'll let Errol tell a little bit about that. Well just a little bit more about the book in general. I've had a lot of questions here. They've asked us why this is the 11th edition but this is the first edition they've seen.
And the reason behind that is that this is a book that is an amalgamation of all the stories, of all the tales, of all the Batutinese people that when they leave town they come back with these stories, with this knowledge and all of that knowledge is updated each year. And it's given to the youth of Batutin before they head out into the world. It's kind of like the Diamantina version of the Amish Room Springer.
So earlier this year we spoke to the fine people at ABC and the ABC's news court wing Harper Collins and they said would you mind putting this book out nationally? Would you rather this have a national audience? Because this book did garner a bit of a cult-like... I'm not sure how to say it but lots of people wanted it. Who didn't have access to it. Which we thought we might as well stick the ABC pig while we had the chance so we said yes. So here it is for every Australian to enjoy it. I'd just like to say this will break down a few stereotypes hopefully. We were talking about bubbles before and there's a lot of communities that don't get acknowledged and they're not immediately acknowledged in this crowd. A lot of people from different backgrounds.
I think if Cory Bernardi would have read this book he'd realise that his constituents don't really care about little boys wearing dresses. They just want to find out when they're going to take a tax break on farming union ice coffee and when the next Hilltop Hoods album is coming out. That's the biggest concern for his constituents and the same goes for Albo. They don't care about workers' rights of public housing. They just want a cafe that serves wheatgrass shots with free Wi-Fi. That's his constituents.
You've got to think about them. And of course Tony Abbott, there's more gays walking around your electorate than there is in the Young Liberals. So I think we need to break down a few barriers here. We start looking at everyone in this country. Thank you everyone and thank you for coming along. Help yourself with the beer. Can we get the Prime Minister a silver bullet? |
cracked | the_most_absurd_moments_in_corporate_facebook_history | Corporations are never going away, and neither is social media, and betwixt the two is something special. Social media for big corporations.
Now, I understand why they do this. It's their job, and I understand why that job exists. It's a necessity for any company in today's social, shared, tastic, lol, OMG, Twitter type thing that we do. I understand.
I just feel a bit bad about it, because every day someone wakes up, puts on their internet shoes, which is to say their fingies, and say to themselves, Okay, okay, okay, okay, something about Energizer Batteries. I've already posted all the old Energizer Bunny commercials, so that's out.
I have already asked them what their favorite type of battery is. He could ask them. Batteries in? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll ask what they like to put batteries in.
And then the person types that. I imagine it's a short road to having nothing else to say from there. Like, hi, it's a day of the week, and we just want to remind you that we still exist.
Thanks, from Skittles. And people follow them. They like them. When Wheat Thins posts literally surprise, this is a post reminding you to eat wheat thins, hashtag must have wheat thins, people click the like button. And they comment, not ironically, or even faux ironically, but sincerely, pointing out the lime flavor is delicious. I like them with salsa. Best cracker ever. Hope that makes you feel good about yourself, wheat thins. These people talk to wheat thins or like Ritz crackers as if they're really boring buddies. And Ritz returns the gesture.
Oh, what I wouldn't do for another weekend day right now, says Ritz crackers. Going swimming this weekend, or is it too cold? I, Ritz crackers, really want to know. Who got to go on a summer vacation? Where did you go? How much fun did you have? Anywhere from 50 to 1,000 people have the same worry. They all want to tell Ritz crackers how their summer vacation was. And speaking of things kindergartners care about, can you spot the five fun differences in under a minute? Asks Ritz crackers.
301 people enjoyed this game. About 167 people participated in this game, and about 20 were so proud that they wanted to share it with everyone they know.
These games aren't as popular on platforms like Instagram though, where Ritz crackers social media team asked you, the consumer, what's your hashtag Ritz face look like? What's a hashtag Ritz face, you ask? According to this Ritz crackers Instagram video, it's placing a Ritz cracker on your tongue and smiling. Not chewing, because that would be disgusting. Just sort of letting the cracker rest gently upon your tongue. It's going to start to seem like I'm bullying Ritz crackers a lot.
And sure, yeah. But also I picked them at random, so nothing personal. And you know what?
Back in June Ritz crackers posted that for every 200 likes, they'd add another weird topping onto a cracker and eat it. They reached four toppings and were asked to prove it several times in the comments, and they assured everyone that they would record it and post it. But you never f***ing did it Ritz! That was months ago. I scrolled all through your Facebook page, because I got nothing better to do, and where's the proof Ritz crackers? What the f*** Ritz crackers?
Temple Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance. Whiz Force class.
Use the Force! By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way. We look. We are. Protect. Jedi. Good. Yes. That... was nothing. Jedi Code?
No. Not the...
Fantastic lol, OMG, Twitter type thing that we do. I understand. I just feel a bit bad about it. Because every day, someone wakes up, puts on their internet shoes, which is to say their fingies, and say to themselves, Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Something about Energizer batteries. I've already posted all the old Energizer bunny commercials, so that's out. I've already asked them what their favorite type of battery is. He could ask them batteries in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll ask what they like to put batteries in.
And then the person types that. I imagine it's a short road to having nothing else to say from there. Like, Hi. It's a day of the week, and we just want to remind you that we still exist. Thanks.
From Skittles. And people follow them. They like them. When Wheat Thins posts literally surprise, this is a post reminding you to eat wheat thins, hashtag must have wheat thins, people click the like button. And they comment. Not ironically, or even faux ironically. But sincerely, pointing out, the lime flavor is delicious. I like them with salsa. Best cracker ever. Hope that makes you feel good about yourself, wheat thins. These people talk to wheat thins or like Ritz crackers as if they're really boring buddies. And Ritz returns the gesture.
Oh, what I wouldn't do for another weekend day right now, says Ritz crackers. Going swimming this weekend? Or is it too cold?
I, Ritz crackers, really want to know. So, who got to go on a summer vacation? Where did you go? How much fun did you have? Anywhere from 50 to 1,000 people have the same worry. They all want to tell Ritz crackers how their summer vacation was. And speaking of things kindergartners care about, can you spot the five fun differences in under a minute? Asks Ritz crackers.
301 people enjoyed this game. About 167 people participated in this game. About 20 were so proud that they wanted to share it with everyone they know. These games aren't as popular on platforms like Instagram, though.
Where Ritz crackers social media team asked you, the consumer, what's your hashtag Ritz face look like? What's a hashtag Ritz face, you ask? According to this Ritz crackers Instagram video, it's placing a Ritz cracker on your tongue and smiling. Not chewing, because that would be disgusting. Just sort of letting the cracker rest gently upon your tongue. It's going to start to seem like I'm bullying Ritz crackers a lot.
And sure, yeah. But also, I picked them at random, so nothing personal. And you know what?
Back in June, Ritz crackers posted that for every 200 likes, they'd add another weird topping onto a cracker and eat it. They reached four toppings and were asked to prove it several times in the comments, and they assured everyone that they would record it and post it. But you never f***ing did it, Ritz! That was months ago. I scrolled all through your Facebook page, because I got nothing better to do. And where's the proof, Ritz crackers? What the f***, Ritz crackers?
Double Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance.
What is force class? Use the force! By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way. We look, we are, protect, Jedi.
Good. Yes. That... was nothing. Jedi Code? No! Not the... |
cracked | why_the_cops_won_t_help_you_when_you_re_getting_stabbed | If you've ever been on the internet, I mean, you're here right now, you probably wound up in the comments section of at least one article about a mass shooting, some other kind of killing spree, and seeing dozens of assholes make comments like, Dude, if I was there, I would have totally stopped that guy. I totally know Kung Fu and I'd just like knock the weapon out of his hand and then break his neck with a spin kick and then my mom would finally love me. My name is Joe Lazito, and one day in 2011, my morning commute was interrupted by the tail end of a 28 hour long stabbing spree. The reason that spree ended is because I stopped it, and I learned. The stabber, Maxim Gellman, was already famous across the city.
I didn't know any of that though, because I'd gotten up too early to catch the paper. So when an obviously high person staggered crazily into the train, I just kind of figured morning in New York, you know?
That creepy guy, who I'd later learned was Gellman, started banging on the door of the engineer's compartment. Let me in. I was sitting right by the door. The only thing separating the engineer and myself was a wall. It turned out there were two cops on the other side of the door, lying in wait in case Gellman hopped on this train.
I found out later they'd recognized him, but they didn't charge out to stop him. Instead, they asked him a polite question. Who are you? I'm the police. You're not the police. You'd expect two armed cops to, I don't know, maybe do something about a wanted fugitive spree killer that they were on the train specifically to arrest, but they stayed put.
So Gellman walked up to me, whipped out an eight inch knife, and told me, you're going to die. Then he stabbed me. I was in the sort of situation every man thinks about at least twice a day, suddenly thrust into a life or death situation that required me to become a badass. Unfortunately, I had no badass training, but I have watched a lot of MMA, and when he brought back his arm to stab me again, I decided to dive in for a single leg takedown. It should have looked like this, but in reality, I shot in too high and wound up tackling him by the waist, rather than getting him in the leg. So he stabbed me repeatedly in the skull. The good news for you armchair badasses is that you can have no idea what you're doing, but still succeed on dumb luck and balls. I outweighed Gellman by a lot, so he went down despite the power of a knife on his side. So we're both on the ground. I'm on top, and he still got his stabbing machine in hand. I tried to grab his right hand, which held the knife, with my left, but I missed, and he sliced me good in the thumb. I tried to catch him a second time and failed, so he slashed me again in my left tricep. My third grab was a chom though. I caught his hand and slammed it into the ground. He dropped the knife. Once I had him pinned, it was dying of blood loss.
The cops decided it was safe enough to arrest Gellman. Next thing I remember is a cop tapping me on the shoulder. You can get up now. We got him.
I thought that was being charitable, but at the time, I didn't exactly feel argumentative. There was no pain yet, just this warm feeling from the blood gushing out of me. It was like standing in the shower with warm water spraying the top of your head and flowing down the back of your neck.
And again, when you'd expect the police to jump to my aid, they didn't. None of them even touched me.
The only guy to render aid was another passenger, Alfred Douglas, AKA Napkin Man, because he staunch my bleeding injuries with napkins. I think Napkin Man probably saved my life, but at this point, I'd been stabbed roughly all the times a person can be stabbed while remaining conscious. And so I passed out. When I eventually came to in the hospital, it was kind of frustrating to realize that none of the early coverage mentioned me or Napkin Man.
The police gave all the credit to the two officers who'd been in the subway train with me. Only neither of them actually even left the booth until I disarmed Gelman. During the grand jury hearing one of the cops testified, I started to come out, I opened the door, but I thought Gelman had a gun, so I closed the door and stayed inside.
I can see how in a stressful situation you might mistake a knife for a gun. But also, that kind of makes it more infuriating. If you, Mr. Cop A. Policington, thinks this insane, drug-addled murderer has a gun, and he's sitting on a train bound for Times Square, don't you want to stop him at all costs?
So yeah, I decided to sue the NYPD. The first case I brought got dropped, so I acted as my own lawyer for the second case and finally made it to a judge. The judge said, Mr. Lazido's version of the story sounds highly credible and his version of events rings true. But I still lost the case. Here's how that was justified in its original legalese.
No direct promises of protection were made to Mr. Lazido, nor were there direct actions taken to protect Mr. Lazido prior to the attack. Therefore, a special duty did not exist.
It turns out there was a major piece of legal precedent in my way. In 2005, the Supreme Court ruled on Castle Rock v. Gonzalez. In that case, a woman sued the Castle Rock PD after they failed to respond when she complained that her estranged husband had violated a protective order and abducted their kids. He eventually murdered them. The Supreme Court ruled in the police department's favor.
It turns out it's literally not their job to protect people. So to the internet badasses who are about to comment on this video and claim they'd totally nailed the takedown, you should make a note of a few things. First, my insurance had me in and out of the hospital in two days, and the hospital didn't give me any AIDS or hepatitis tests after I'd been stabbed with a knife that had stabbed other people. Apparently, that's not medically necessary. Second, if you ever get the chance to confront a dangerous armed madman, don't trust in the police having it back. Don't expect to get the credit. And hope like hell there's another napkin man waiting in the wings to help you. |
dropout | powerthirst_2_re_domination | what if everything you ever wanted came in a rocket car power thirst rocket edition with all new flavors like banana fizzbitch and gun you've had the worst now try the thirst power thirst side effects include glowing sweat use your sweaty body to fuel sweet rave parties anything is possible sport you'll invent cuz you'll be too energetic for normal sport you'll feel like a fighter jet made of what about me and my blue collar turn that every man into a beverage every stands for power thirst now comes in women now with preposterous amounts of testosterone think fast douche fag power thirst now comes in does Oh getting similar to bear blasting oh Lord why have you forsaken me can it when God gives you lemons you find a new car power thirst God very king of the juice unacceptable drink power thirst and you'll win at everything forever you'll win it running football our safe weddings and our you'll even win an irony Oh top score still unconvinced we'll check out these testimonials from real power thirst drinkers 400 babies power thirst it's really all right power thirst it's like crystal meth in a can it's crystal meth in a can power thirst is crystal meth warning may contain anacornic over |
TheBetootaAdvocate | China_On_High_Alert_A_Clueless_Christian_Porter_Gladys_Fires_A_Shot_More_September_17 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin recording live here in the Diamantina coming to you on either wireless, spotify or wherever it is you get these digital radio shows known as podcasts, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker editor-at-large how are you Errol?
I'm alright mate I've just been I've actually been served a court notice today you know how I told you last week how well I've got this neighbor right he's got lots of snakes and he had like he has his carpet python well he did have this carpet python and it came under my under my gate and he got after one of my cats and and um I put um a 410 up against his head and I pulled the trigger and I blew this big carpet pythons head all all over my back one it turns out it was someone's pet so so what's he actually suing for that's what I don't understand he's suing for damages to the pet to the pet yep yeah right and he wants to be compensated because like apparently he wants you to buy him a new pilot well those carpet pythons they grow you know to be quite big but when they're big they're old you know they're kind of like a kangaroo you know like if you shoot a big kangaroo that's your size it's probably the same age as you hmm yeah right so you took down a real puppet bear python yeah it was essentially like putting a 28 year old man to shoot a point-blank range yep yep well it was well it was going after my cat so I had to I have to say for your neighbor he's very very imperialist right very imperialist attitude towards owning pets mate that's not your property that's your housemate if we were living in Florida where they've got those stand your ground laws when he jumped over my back fence he was lucky that he didn't get a chest plate full of lead I'll tell you what hmm yeah he escaped that one now look we are behind you all the way Errol be hoping you get a good result in court there but we should probably get into the news wrap and we'll start off with a international story and China is apparently panicking after learning that they've only got 25 years until Australia gets eight new submarines yes the global superpower that is China is rattled to its core this week after our Prime Minister announced a small fleet of extremely expensive new submarines for the nation they will not actually have nuclear weapons they'll just be nuclear powered but that announcement is still apparently put the fear of God into 1.4 billion Chinese well that was very good of you Clancy to get through that and not do a Chinese accent but Beijing are shaking in their boots apparently reports out of the Chinese capital are that Xi Jinping is very worried that his army of 2.8 million soldiers will only have until 2046 to prepare for Australia's fleet of underwater super boats something that he's very concerned about yeah look out we mean business now in some other news that you might have heard because of that big announcement to round out the week Christian Porter has revealed that the only Brian trust he knows about is what old people have for the Liberals yes the former highest ranking legal officer in the land is this week pretended to not be across a pretty big legal issue it emerged that someone or some people have anonymously paid his legal bills which are estimated to be in the half a million to a million dollar kind of range so it's sort of like your annual salary there Clancy but initially except it's paid to me by my dad well I know who's paying it yeah initially it was described as a blind trust in the papers however the career lawyer and politician came out to clear out the confusion saying that the only blind trust he knows is boomers voting for his party in every election he said and I quote the only blind trust I know about is the one that gibbering old fools of Australia have in the Liberal Party I mean we've just spent two years arguing to open up and put them to the sword for God's sake there you go more COVID news from the COVID capital of the country and Gladys Berejiklian has come out to say that there will be no more 11 a.m. presses enjoy the picnics and go fuck yourselves well it seems like she fucked herself on this one because she's turned up to everyone this week I'll tell you what but they were strong words from the premier there Wendell Berejiklian told the people of her caliphate that her government cannot be fucked doing the 11 a.m. press conferences anymore and that the people who don't like it can just go and get fucked yes might be something to do with what's about to come out in ICAC and the question she won't be able to avoid when it does but she has since popped up for a few press conferences since so not exactly sure what's going on there I think she's just going to taper off until we forget about it like we've already forgotten about the Daily Case numbers well you never know maybe she might forget that she didn't declare a bottle of wine moving forward and that might be you know the casus belli to move on probably the easiest way out for her I reckon some more political news and go the doggies yells Cabra Keneally while wearing a Western Bulldogs AFL scarf at Belmore Oval these politicians and their attempts to appear relatable the aspiring member for Fowler who booted a well-respected community representative from running has tried to show off her knowledge of the electorate this week yes Christina Keneally or as she's now known as Cabra Keneally has tried to prove that she's not just some career politician but one of the people of Fowler despite living on Sydney's wealthy northern beaches are nowhere near the multicultural southwest enclave she's hoping to represent however didn't go to plan with Cabra Keneally seemingly getting confused between the Western Bulldogs in the Victorian Football League and a Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs who are based right next to her electorate in Western Sydney easy mistake really but it was compounded by the fact that no one's been at Belmore for the last few months given to all the relocation of the NRL and the fact that they won the wooden spoon two weeks ago yeah I think the other Western Bulldogs are pretty good anyway some more sports news now and a headline on our final story report how's Quaid citizenship papers coming along Scotty yes a rugby unit story which we haven't had in the boardroom for a while I don't think anyway it came about after the return of Quaid Cooper to the Wallabies last weekend who slaughtered a 45 meter penalty goal after the siren to beat the world champion spring box the South Africans the incredible kick once again reminded the nation that Scotty Peter and co still haven't sorted out Quaid a passport but apparently they're getting used to it because the piece of poached chicken breast that poses as the immigration minister Alex Hawk deciding to grant QC his citizenship and it's now politically opportune to do so so I reckon that's why it's gotten a bit of a kick up the ass mind the pun despite previously being unable to give the man a passport they've somehow found a way to change the rules to get it done obviously they won't be changing anything for the Billa Wheeler family that probably goes without saying with this government yeah it's just a shame the Billa Wheeler family need to be involved and I guess some sort of fading Australian pastime that all of the political class watch keenly like rugby union yeah Scotty's favorite game in case you didn't already know Eastern suburbs Scotty anyway that's all we got time for today thanks for coming have a good weekend Bubba.
Hooroo! |
TheOnion | Second_Amendment_Activist_Defends_Guns_As_Essential_For_Starting_Foot_Race_At_Town_Midsummer_Jubilee | At this point, vocalizing any support for gun rights, no matter the level, is seen as a faux pas. I can't tell you how many times I've heard I'm wrong from my beliefs on gun ownership.
But I won't be silenced, because our Second Amendment rights are crucial for starting the annual foot race at the Midsummer Jubilee. Guns stand for our rebel history, ideals of independence, and the power of the Jubilee's rebels to unite us in fair years and in foul. Sometimes, I just wish anti-gun legislators would stop to think, what would life in shepherds' corners be without the foot race, without the hearty young man and winsome lasses racing the flower-strewn footpath as blue and yellow ribbons flutter gaily upon their wrists? Hearing that glorious blast of the starting pistol upon the town green in mid-June, that's a constitutional right that must be protected. Only after the gun is fired may the debutantes dance their exuberant polka that impels their woven tresses to sway to and fro. What would gun control advocates have us do? Replace the pistol's splendid crack with the mere ringing of a bell, as if the ringing of a bell were not already the cue to break open the cast of Damson wine?
The heart of the issue is this. If the government starts restricting these individual liberties, I know what'll be next. Registering the great vats in which we boil tender new potatoes, requiring permits to decorate one's lintel with the branches of birch that attract midsummer fortune. Or worse, licenses to weave bluebells into one's hair before the polka. Now we have got to acknowledge the danger of setting this political precedent. In the end, so-called gun control is just shorthand for I want to take away the strudel and the floralries and the 20-foot tall pole in the city square festoon with lavender garlands. That's something my conscience will never support. |
dropout | troopers_lost_in_translation | Hey, shut up! Whoa! Come on, Larry. What? He's screaming. Oh, you are so ignorant. He's just asking where we're going. You understood him? I took two credits of Lizard and Junior College, so yeah. I understood him. Oh, see?
He's thirsty. And hungry. And he loves our spines. Huh.
He sounds like he's threatening us. No, no, no, no. He's not threatening us. He just said he respects us. As warriors, I'm going to tell him he was a worthy adversary.
Oh, he misses his children. See? That's sad. Doesn't his species eat their young?
Larry, that is a horrible stereotype, okay? You got to be ashamed of yourself.
I know.
He's an idiot. Why was he imprisoned anyway? Huh. Wow.
He said he was captured defending his village and family from a full platoon of rotting Dread Troopers. The battle lasted many days. He surrendered so that his family could escape.
You know, our whole military-industrial complex is so... What? What is this?
Hey! Looks like I made a friend! Hey, it's nice to meet you, too!
Yeah, no, no. I wanted it in another color, but it only comes in white. Ah, yes. A bountiful harvest to you two as well, honorable sir. Larry, put your gun down. You're insulting him. Rich, I just got it back. No, no, seriously. Put your gun down. But I just got it back.
Now we spin around him thrice, praising the lords of Salamandran. Yeah. Are the lords praised yet? Now we are brethren, so I think we can do away with these. Um, Rich, are you sure that's a good idea? Don't worry. We're broomkin now. Rich!
No! No, no, no. It's okay. He's embracing me as kin. No! I'm not! Oh, no!
Shoot him!
No, no. He's not threatening us. He just said he respects us as warriors. I'm going to tell him he was a worthy adversary.
Oh, he misses his children. See, that's sad. Doesn't his species eat their young?
Larry, that is a horrible stereotype, okay? You got to be ashamed of yourself.
I know.
He's an idiot. Why was he in prison anyway?
Wow. He said he was captured defending his village and family from a full platoon of rotting dread troopers. The battle lasted many days. He surrendered so that his family could escape. You know, our whole military-industrial complex is so...
What? What is this?
Hey! Looks like I made a friend. Hey, it's nice to meet you, too.
Yeah, no, no. I wanted it in another color, but it only comes in white. Ah, yes. A bountiful harvest, so you two as well, honorable sir.
Larry, put your gun down. You're insulting him.
Rich, I just got it back. But I just got it back.
Now we spin around him thrice, praising the lords of Salamandron. Yeah, are the lords praised yet? Now we are brethren, so I think we can do away with these.
Rich, are you sure that's a good idea? Don't worry. We're broken now. Rich, no! It's okay. He's embracing me as Kim. No, I'm not. Oh, no! |
SaturdayNightLive | sabra_shopping_network_snl | Live from general area. Times Square is Sabra Shopping Network.
All right, so you call up and you buy. it's no big deal. I am Uri. Okay, so we're going to show you merchandise. you're going to call up and buy it. it's good merchandise, all right? So let's go. Okay, okay. today, we are going out of business. it's very big sale. everything must go, all right? So, don't waste my time. if you like it, buy it, all right? And, oh, bone haggle. that's the price. the price you see is the price. why would I put up the price? it's just not the price, all right? So, let's go, all right. So, first item is Summit Vcr. very beautiful, beautiful price. only today. last one, last one left. if no one wants to buy it, I'll keep it for myself, All right? Okay, hello, hello, hello. hi, Uri. hello. hi, how are you? I'm fine, fine, fine. So, you like it? you want to buy it?
Well, $190 seems, you know. Okay, I tell you, no haggle. no haggle. that's the price. $190. Okay, it still seems, you know, a little hot. All right, how much money do you have? well, maybe $150. $150. this is the last one.
Well, okay, I'll take it. All right, all right. thank you. hope for my wife, Okay? So, two chauffeurs for you. Okay.
Summit Vcr. very last one. I keep it for myself. Hello, hello. I thought you just sold the last one. hey, don't tell me my business. you take care of your business, I'll take care of my business. if you like it, buy it. Well, I don't know. Summit, I don't know that brand.
Oh, no, no, no. Inside is same as Sony. Sony Guts. it has Sony Guts. no difference. Sony Guts. only difference is price. are you sure?
What? I don't believe this.
Look, if you want Sony, you want to be big shot, you spend $800, you want same thing, Sony Guts, I tell you, I am going out of business. it's best deal. Yeah, but it seems like you've been going out of business for a long time.
Look, don't you tell me my business. don't you tell me my business. I don't want to.
This is the argument. What's the argument? this woman is asking about Sony. she wants to buy Sony. What? Why would she want to buy Sony? Oh, no, no, no, no. Sony Guts, Sony Guts. She doesn't believe me. who said Sony is not same guy? I tell her. who? she's on the phone.
I'm not trying to. okay, I'll take it. $190, hold on for my wife. Stop. Okay, big chauffeur for you. Okay, okay. next merchandise. Oh, now, this is good. dial Master Cd player. makes beautiful music for you. is beautiful. cheap. $110.
So you like it, you buy it. that's a Cd player? Yes, yes, of course, of course. please, I'm very busy. where are the Cds going? All right, look, look. look, look, look, look, look. look, look, look, look. huh? very nice. you like too much? Yeah, I love it. What? what? I don't believe this. I am trying to sell you a beautiful, cheap Cd. All right, all right, all right, all right. How much money do you have? it's not the price. so much as you know. unbelievable. what is it now? What is it now? This man wants to buy a Cd player. it's crazy, crazy, Cd player. Look, look, look, look. nothing, nothing. I'm trying to sell Dialmaster. they are saying daughters go to Cd.
Boy, as you are saying this. no, I didn't have any phones. I'm sorry. no, no, no. I am sorry for you. I am sorry for you. what do you call her? you like to hear your voice on television or something? okay, okay, okay. I don't want your business.
How much was it? he told you he's very angry. I'll take it for the right price. How much money do you have? I don't know. one hundred dollars. you are very lucky this time. one hundred. that's too high. I don't believe it. I wrapped it already. All right, all right, all right. hold on for my wife. Okay, so some more show for us for you. this is very good, all right. this is Canon Pd 35 calculator. today only price. How much money do you have is the price today?
Okay, all right. let's go to the phone. Hello, hello.
I just want to say I love the show. shut up, shut up, shut up. I don't have time for this.
Sorry, look, I bought a camera from you guys and I didn't get any instruction manual. So? what do you need instructions for? you don't know how to work a camera?
Well, jeez, there are so many buttons on it. I feel like I'm missing out.
All right, all right. I'll send you a instruction manual.
Sixty dollars. What? Sixty dollars? Oh, What?
I don't believe this.
I tried to sell him instructions. he's crazy man. Okay, so Sixty dollars? Yes, sure. I tell him. Sixty dollars. What? he says no. I'm going to use camera without instructions. Look, I'm not going to pay sixty dollars. he's crazy. he's crazy. Look, look, look. I'll give you instruction manual. I throw in calculator.
Beautiful. One hundred dollars. this is very good. Look, guys, I don't want to be a bad guy, but I spoke to the Department of Consumer Affairs about this. Okay, Ninety dollars. Ninety dollars.
No, I don't want it. And look, they said they've had other complaints about you guys.
Oh, Sundown. Sundown. Oh, the sun is going down. have to close.
Sorry. have to lock up. All right, this is closing time. Sorry. goodbye. All right, now next week, very important show. So please watch next week, going out of business next week. so you call, you like it, you buy it. Lala thought. bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | darnette_disposable_toilets_ad_saturday_night_live | Your bathroom sparkles. What about the toilet? it's just not sanitary. you try scrubbing and cleaning, but it's all a huge hassle. Now you can have a clean toilet after every use. With new Darnette disposable toilets. these fine porcelain fixtures are only $169.95 each. easy to use and good for just one flush. How do they work? Simple. each time you flush a darnette toilet, replace it with a new one by following these easy steps. shut off the main water valve and drain the tank. Using the elongated Johnson bar, pry off the toilet bowl and remove it free and clear. remove the rubber washer and set it to one side. you'll need it later. clean up the remaining water that has come out of the trap. replace the wax ring. apply a 1 quarter inch bead of caulk. lift the bowl high enough to clear the flange bolts. lower it so that the horn on the bowl enters the floor flange and the two bolts come up through the holes on the bottom of the bowl. seat the toilet on the flange, then using a stilson wrench, reattach the feed pipe to the ball caulk valve, turn back on the valve to the feed and the main, and voila! in three hours, you've got yourself a new toilet. it's that easy. And when you're done with the Darnette disposable toilet, simply convert it into smaller pieces and place it into our customized Darnette dumpster. So rest assured, every time you use the toilet, it's clean and fresh with Darnette. And also, try our disposable sinks and bathtubs. Darnette's Disposable Toilets. Because if something's dirty, just throw it away.
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SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_junior_high_school_report_saturday_night_live | You're watching Wspd News, New York. good morning everyone, I'm Jack Rizzoli. and I'm Wanda Ramirez. Our top story Today, a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the Network. Hello Herb. Hello Jay. Now Herb, walk us through what's happening at that school. have all the students been evacuated? I've got a guy. this is his teacher, Dan Mcclarty. it's Mcdonald, actually, Dan Mcdonald. it's the same thing. Alright, alright, what happened? Well, we were told about the leak this morning. so I gathered the children and had them evacuate the school.
What kind of teacher? I'm an art teacher. like with the macaroni and the yarn? I teach drawing, actually. There you have it. like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay.
Back to you, Jay. no, Herb, hold on a second. stay there a minute, okay? does Dan know what caused the leak? What? Does Dan know what caused the leak? I don't know what caused it, yeah.
I know you don't, Herb. I know you don't.
Ask him, do you know what caused the leak? Hey, don't write my copy, you lifeguard. What leaked? The boilers in this school have been a problem for a long time, and I for one am appalled. School? school has been.
Come on, Herb. Herb? hey, I got a question for you. Do you think, uh, you think Lucille Ball's a Pinko? Okay, I'm sorry, did you say Lucille Ball? Yeah, Herb, exactly. stay on point, please. name names, come on. Herb, does Dan think school officials were aware of the problem? Uh, so you see the fights last night? No, come on, Herb. Herb, Wanda asked you a question. yeah, she can go back to her kitchen. Herb, Herb, answer her. I'm not taking my setups from a hatchet, girl. I'm sorry, excuse me, can we talk about the students, Please? they were put in real danger by our principal. that man, right over there. Excuse me, that is absolutely Not true. And that's the news. Stay tuned for Playhouse 90 with Lee J. God. No, no, Herb, Herb, turn around and talk to that Principal, Come on. What? suck an egg, you mannequin. All right, come here. you suck, Herb Wilson!
Thank you. All right.
All right, now, now, Now, Who are you? I'm the principal here, my name is Ken Yee. Bonsai, huh? remember me?
No, Herb! Herb, no, no, no, no, no, no, Herb, come on. come on, the war is over, Herb.
What happened? What did I do? Well, you blew the story, that's what you did.
I'm sorry, Jack, maybe you should be a little more patient with Herb. he may be old, but that just means his- stop moving. that just means that his soul is wise. Jack, if Chef Kramer knew about the way you wanker, he'd turn over in his grave. No, he wouldn't, Herb, because Chef Kramer was cremated. they burned my friend.
Hey, come on. Herb, come on, pull it together, Buddy. you son of a bitch. Okay, just cut away. can we cut away from him, please? As always, we apologize to you in the Asian and female communities. up next, we'll talk to Long Island officials, But thank you.
Oh, but first, some very sad news. we've just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Here he is, seen on assignment in 1963. Mr. Welch had been in bad health. we go now to the scene. Gentlemen, what happened? The guy started to cough, and then he turned pale, and he wasn't breathing.
Surprise! Cut away, cut away! Unbelievable. Well, it appears Mr. Welch is still alive and as unprofessional as ever. Oh, how is that? How is that possible? |
dropout | when_you_don_t_recognize_a_friend_request | What's wrong?
I got a friend request from someone, but I don't think I know her. Unless there's more here than meets the eye. Are you suggesting that you actually know this person?
Precisely. In fact, I'm sure of it.
But she could be some sort of porn ad bot. No, no, no. Consider the evidence, Siobhan. Her feed is mostly surf stories and news about celebrity weddings. That's far too specific for a bot. She must be a real person.
But you haven't a thing. In common, she must be a complete stranger. Certainly not.
Look here. Four mutual friends. My, my, my. What a keen eye you have. You must, I suppose, be friends then. Unless it's a coincidence. Look here.
Three of these mutual friends went to the very same high school I did. And what's more, graduated in the same year.
What if these are just the type of people that accept every friendship request that comes their way? What if they're even the type of people that enjoy ad bot? Somebody must.
I had considered the very same thing until I noticed an almost imperceptible clue. Here, under the pictures tab, a photo of her in high school. And look. I'm right next to her. Incredible. From this I can deduce that we've probably met before. Since I seem to be in the same place at the same time.
Who is she? Why, she's, uh, she's Alison Purdler. Yes, the name sounds vaguely familiar. Alison Purdler.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. It sounds familiar. Perhaps because you keep on saying it over and over and over again out loud. We can't rule that out, but I think the more likely explanation is that we were both in the school play together.
Did you notice the stupid clothes we're wearing? I did. I just assumed that you wore stupid clothes in high school. Oh Siobhan, I did. It was just a very different kind of stupid clothes.
But why would you reach out now after all of these years? It makes no sense. And on the contrary, it's not strange at all.
Remember that fourth mutual friend? He works in this very office. My God. Yes. A second connection to remind her of our earlier one. Why not reach out now? My, my, my trap.
I don't know how you do it. You need only look at the evidence and draw the appropriate conclusions. Even a simpleton could do it.
Okay, there's no need to be a dick about it. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. But I have one final question for you. Yes.
You went to high school with this young lady. You spent four years with her and have several mutual friends.
Yes, that's right. So why wasn't seeing her name and face enough for you to remember her? There's a very simple explanation. Yes, what's that?
I am a shitty person. And there he went. The greatest mind I have ever known. The man who figured out that he did, in fact, know his friend. Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
TheOnion | Pretend_You_Give_A_Shit_About_The_Election | As you know, there's a presidential election coming up just around the corner, in fact, which can be a very difficult day for the millions of us who just couldn't care less. Well, joining us to help us make it through Election 2008 is Today Now political correspondent Dan Carlisle. Dan, good to see you again, buddy. How are you doing? Doing well, thank you. You've got to help us out here, my friend, because all those informed people with their judgmental looks come election day, I mean, I just don't think I can spend another year dealing with that. Can you help?
Absolutely. It's actually pretty simple to pretend you care about the electoral process. Try something like this, invite some friends over for dinner, have the news on when they show up, then apologize as you turn off the TV and say, I promise I won't talk about politics tonight. I like that. Very direct yet very simple. But what if they ask you, you know, are you a Democrat or the other one? Right. Don't panic. Just use one of these political non opinions I brought. Oh, I see. All right. I like that. Seems easy enough. It's very easy. Here's another simple thing to do. Talk about how sad it is that some people refuse to get involved in politics. Blaming others for being uninformed is always a great way of seeming informed yourself. Yeah, no, I like that. But what if I corner you on one of these, like, political issues like, well, health care?
Hold on, my phone's vibrating. Oh, no. Oh, okay, well. I apologize. Okay, and I've got you. See what happened there? That's a phone fake-out. It wasn't really vibrating.
Use that to get out of a political question that's just too difficult to answer. Well, now, that's great for these coming weeks, but, Dan, what about Election Day?
First step, go to our website. We have a great tool there which allows you to print out an I Voted sticker. So during work, you go act like you voted. You come back. You wear the sticker.
Right. And questions don't need to be asked anymore because you're right up front with it. It says it right there.
It says I Voted. Be sure you come back, though, with a poll anecdote. What's a poll anecdote? It's a story or observation that you come back after you're done fake voting. You wouldn't believe it. They had my last name misspelled at the polling station.
Something like that. You see how that was specific, but not so specific that someone could check it out? Right, right. So I ended up in line right behind my old college roommate works.
The roof caved in doesn't. What if, despite all that, they still just don't believe that you went to the polls that day? You've got to up the ante again, Jim, here.
Then, say to your voting friend, I pulled this off the wall at the elementary school. I couldn't resist. It was just so cute. I get it. Oh, you did this yourself then. Yes, I made this one.
You told us there is no excuse to not not vote. Yes, yes, absolutely. Every single person out there can take part in pretending to take part in the political process.
Dan, we've got to have you back in November because we will not know what to say about who won. I'll be here. I'm not going to say a word until I've talked to you.
That's smart. All right, Dan. Thanks a lot. Thanks, Dan.
And when we come back, three-time Grammy Award winner, Shenandrona. |
TheOnion | A_Tale_Of_Two_Singers_America_s_Best_Ep_8 | From every mountainside, let freedom ring. No, no, no. The contestant I killed last year had a much better voice than that. Just imagine how much I want to kill you right now.
I appreciate that it was a public domain song. So, at least it didn't cost us anything.
No, I'm a no. I don't even know you. You're not getting my vote. The judges didn't like what Brian had to offer.
Oh my goodness. But there was still talent to be found. Like 19-year-old Amelia, who showed up a little later in the day. Oh, look at you. You're a little peach, ain't ya? What a peach. What's your name? I'm Amelia. That's pretty. Like a flower. Thank you.
Oh, beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. You are gorgeous.
I don't need to hear anything more.
You can sing, you can dance. You've got sex appeal. I am a yes. Sometimes you just know that somebody is a star from the second they walk in the room. Baby, that's you. Yeah, I'm a yes. You are clearly the complete package as a woman. I was going to give you a yes when I saw how sexy you were. Then you sang so beautifully.
I mean, it even, it just reinforced that. You didn't even have to pay me anything. Well, thank you. Now, if you'll just come with me, I've got something I'd like to share with you.
Hold on. No. Don't do this.
I want to have sex with Amelia. I'm going to have sex with Amelia. It's what I do. She's an attractive woman, so I have to have sex with her. We're not changing the rules now. Amelia, we both want to have sex with you right now. Nelson Shaw is allowed to have sex with you. But I love you. Now, who do you want to do it with?
I don't know. It doesn't matter. Fine.
Coming up on America's Best, the judges get excited by a gay man. It's America's Best. |
cracked | why_batman_is_secretly_terrible_for_gotham_after_hours | I'm telling you right now that the winner of this conversation is the one who says Batman is the best and you're an idiot. Batman's the best! You're an idiot.
I already said it. See? I already won. Or Batman in this conversation. Salt, please? You're seeing the bat with rose-tinted bad goggles. There's room for improvement. You're blinded by your love of schoolyard heroics, boy. And I've got some pretty convincing evidence.
Steaks? Loser buys dinner.
Ooh! One. Two. What are we talking about tonight? Whether or not Batman is actually bad for Gotham City. Oh. Three!
GOTHAM! Gotham is still one of the most consistently dangerous cities in America. He doesn't cause the crime in Gotham.
He's there because of it. Everything tastes of the sea. Yarr.
In Dark Knight, Gordon says sometimes Batman's so busy stopping other crimes that he never even gets to the bat signal. He's been Batmanning for years and there's still enough crime to keep him occupied 24-7. How much good could he really be doing? That's one version of Batman. It's a whole pantheon of Batman, really.
You can't just... In the awesome animated series, he never put a single bad guy away successfully. I mean, long-term. Yeah, Joker, Croc, Riddler. I mean, no matter how many times he puts them away, they always get out. Uh, that's on Arkham, not Batman. Would you blame cops if our prison systems failed? Fine, then.
Let's forget Batman's statistical uselessness as a crime fighter and let's think about Bruce Wayne's uselessness as a businessman. How much is Wayne Enterprises worth again? 31.3 billion, according to a Forbes article about fictional corporations in 2007.
Stop it. dispensing the information, you're talking like this. Both! I think Dan has Asperger's. But I mean, look at that. Over 30 billion dollars. 31.3. Quick! How many?
Bruce Wayne could do far more as a philanthropist than he ever could as a superhero. Gotham doesn't need a costume vigilante. What it needs is comprehensive socio-economic reform, which he could easily provide. True, his parents did a whole lot more for Gotham than he did.
They built that railway system and helped the poor get to their low paying jobs easier. Oh! You mean the one that Batman blew up in Batman Begins? Did you build this train, Dan? Right, and he could have easily fixed it, but instead decided to add a bunch of train wrecking rockets to all of his stuff. Because I guess movies about repairing damaged rail lines don't move tickets.
Actually, that sounds awful. I would boycott that.
But if Bruce Wayne really wanted to help out Gotham, he could, I don't know, rebuild the city? Develop charities? He does have charities. The Thomas and Martha Wayne Foundations. Plural. Two foundations. All for show. Okay, in The Dark Knight, he uses every single cell phone in the city as a sonar device. Imagine what those resources could do for charity. Are you saying that Batman doesn't want to help Gotham?
Oh, I think he does. But I think he wants to dress up and punch bad guys a whole lot more. And I just wish you would admit it. You wish the fictional character would admit something? Maybe Katie has Asperger's. No, I want his real life counterpart to admit it.
Not gonna happen. Bill Gates is a billionaire with a charity. Is he bad for America because he hasn't fixed the world yet? Yeah! Batman is better than Bill Gates. Is that what we've been trying to prove? Why is it taking so long? If it is, then I object. Overfucking rules.
Saying that Bill Gates is better than Batman gives me the right to hit you, Dan. I'm just saying, as a CEO, Gates is better than Wayne.
What happens when Batman begins? So, it was a long movie.
He orders his bat suit via Wayne Enterprises, but he A, orders the bat ears separately to avoid suspicion, and B, orders them in bulk to disguise it as a business expense. What kind of company can buy 5,000 individual bat ears to avoid suspicion? I thought Wayne Enterprises was just in weapons, oil refineries, health care, fringe cosmetics, and plant science. I mean, bat ears?
That seems crazy. But on topic, he's a guy who's using his company to secretly purchase personal items. An embezzler. Actually sounds like a Silver Age Batman villain. He uses investors' money to dress up like a bat and punch clay monsters. It's the same as some Enron CEO using his company money to buy a yacht. It is very different. Not if the yacht is bat-shaped. No, it's the same thing. A rich guy funding his hobby.
He's gone mad with Asperger's. What kind of message is that? Sorry, kids.
Don't work hard, because the rich guy is always going to have the advantage. Bruce Wayne works hard. Gordon and Batman both work hard to help the world, but only one of them has to file paperwork and obey the system, while the other one gets to expense smoke bombs and plow Catwoman, and it has nothing to do with who works harder.
What? You guys don't expense smoke bombs? How are you paying for your smoke bombs?
Gordon and the rest of Gotham City are at the mercy of the guy with the biggest bank account. Look at the score. At best, he's an embezzler. At worst, he's some sort of militaristic tiger. Look at the fucking scoreboard.
How many times has Batman saved Gotham from total annihilation? He stopped nukes, killer penguins, global freeze rays. Without Batman, Gotham is a crater.
How about the guy with the most money based on his personal moral code? He should rule us. Yeah, he does rule. He rules hard.
We're not talking about Big Brother here. We're talking about a man who single-handedly stopped the Joker from blowing up a whole boat full of innocent people. He stopped the Joker by spying on the entire city of Gotham. How is that not Big Brother?
I wish this would stop. Shut the fuck up!
Need I remind you that he saved Gordon and a child? Need I remind you that he murdered the District Attorney and then lied about the circumstances surrounding him? For the good of Gotham! When one person bends the law for their perception of the greater good, where does it end? We appoint Batman judge, jury, and executioner when we need justice.
When we no longer need him, he will retire. Those are the rules!
Why don't you just admit that Batman is a violent, maladjusted sociopath who's using his parents' death as an excuse for him to work out his aggression? Why don't you just admit that...
Shut up. You good? Yeah. Who put 31 sugar packs on the floor? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_your_co_worker_who_is_extremely_busy_doing_seemingly_nothing_snl | According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the five-day work week is over as corporate employees are now accustomed to a flexible hybrid schedule. here to comment is your co-worker who's extremely busy doing seemingly nothing. we booked out an hour for this presentation, but I gotta, I gotta get back. Oh yeah yeah, we didn't book an hour for it.
But hi Crystal, thank you for being here. Icebreaker, Icebreaker, how's the weather? I don't know. I'm always underwater. Wow, Yeah, so Crystal, How do you feel about flexible work schedules? Hmm. I guess I am pretty flexible since I'm bending over backwards doing everyone else's job. right? right? And what exactly do you do for work? Um, let me break it down for you. I do this.
Oh my Oh My. God. Oh My. God.
This ain't right. I'm in Hell. you're in Hell?
This is a flyer sign-up sheet for Thanksgiving Potluck. Yeah, and guess what I'll be bringing? won't be a man Tell you that.
Good thing this vibrates so much. you know what I mean? I do and I don't like it. I do.
And Sasha just called in sick. I'm screwed. Crystal, Can you just tell me like one thing you're working on? yeah, one try.
900 emails today. Yeah, I'm looking at your emails. They're all from Horoscope.com.
Is that right? Yeah, I don't. Yeah. what do you do for work? bust my balls. I mean like, where do you work? in hell. And my boss just said I'm working on turkey day.
I'm screwed. Stop throwing phones. wait look, I just clearly Crystal. You're obsessed with work. I just I need you to take better care of yourself.
Yeah, well. guess what I had for dinner last night? a cookie and a cigarette. might surprise you which one I ate. Jesus. I just need a one second power nap. Where am I? Crystal. That's really scary. did you even eat today? Oh good reminder. first meal of the year. Coach Chipotle. my favorite. kinda nice eating desk but not under it. you eat under your desk? And there goes my burrito phone. your burrito phone? What is it? what does it say? Hello? Yep, just one second. you're so right. I'm screwed.
Crystal What is your job title? Boss right. Boss ass bitch. Boss.
I'm looking at your keyboard right now and none of the keys are in the right order. And also, the space bar is missing. if I don't get breaks, then I'll just do my words.
I'm really. I'm sorry to say this, but you're making me think that you don't actually do anything for work. Well, that's actually crazy because I actually have a really important job. You do. What is your job? I'm the Instagram choreographer for Britney Spears. Oh wow. you're extremely busy co-worker everyone. I'm straight up. |
Wizards_with_Guns | to_catch_a_predator_hosts_catch_each_other | tonight on creep catchers tonight on perp hunt We've been in contact with a disturbed 30 year old man Pretending to be a 12 year old boy in order to prey on a child who's agreed to meet up tonight But this predator has no idea that the minor he's been sending pictures of his penis penis to has actually been me the whole time Why don't you take a seat Why don't you take a seat? I'll take a seat So tell me how old are you clearly too old for your taste speaking of taste Are you at all hungry?
Not as hungry as you are Yes We take a look at the transcripts You mean the one where you said you'd shave me smooth as the day I was born only in response to when you said and I quote you wanted to draw me a bubble bath And bring a snorkel mask. Well, you said you wanted to lather me in lotion and Trace a poem in the small of my back You said you wanted to softly kiss the palms of my hands and say these are my hands Well you said you wanted to Summer in the Hamptons and by matching sweaters in the fall meet my dad Make him laugh.
Nobody makes him laugh.
You said well You said you'd love me you said dude, oh my god, are we doing this you tell me Yes Where's the priest bringing the priest are we doing it now? I can't wait another moment dearly beloved Friends family we are gathered here today to catch a criminal Wait, what what's going on? What's the matter father? You look nervous. I don't understand I haven't molested anyone. Oh, we know father.
That's cuz you're on a show called To catch a shoplifter Our hidden cameras caught father Wilson here taking more than his share of the time I don't know what Jesus thought about stealing but here in America shoplifting gum is a sin How do you know that was mean and could have been any priest? What's that smell? spearmint wintergreen I Sure. Hope he's running to the confessional looks like this holy man bit off more than he could chew Tune in next week when we catch a pedophile stealing his knickers Why don't you take a seat we noticed you haven't liked and subscribe Does that make you a pervert? I don't know you tell me you wanted to draw me a bubble bath And bring a snorkel mask You said you wanted to draw me a bubble bath and bring a snorkel mask |
dropout | dorkly_bits_moonwalker_henchmen_love_mj | Michael! Ooh! We did it! Yeah!
Wow, he's, uh... He's really gone. You're right. What a shame. I was such a big fan of his music. Oh, come on. Yous two are such hypocrites. Yous didn't like him until after we killed him. Yeah, right.
Thriller was like the soundtrack to my childhood. Me too! I always thought The Lady in My Life was the forgotten gem of that record.
Thank you! Yous guys would just be in the shi- There'll be no darkness tonight. Lady of Love will shine! Rest in peace, Michael. Rest in pe- You mercilessly beat him to death!
I was caught up in the media frenzy. Did we murder Michael? Or did fame? We did. Definitely us.
You wouldn't understand. You don't appreciate Michael the way we do.
His soothing voice and legendary footwork moved millions of listeners around the globe. Millions. When I think of a world without the king of pop, I weep for future generations. Wow. Yeah, I never thought of it like that before.
I guess yous guys were really- He's back! Let's get him! Free that pervert all the way from our kids! |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_back_to_the_future | Back to the Future, a popcorn classic that still stands up as one of the best films of the 80s, as well as one of the few movies to imagine a watertight, scientifically plausible version of time travel that could actually happen. Here's some trivia that will change the way you watch Back to the Future forever. Director Robert Zemeckis originally called the movie Back Time the Future and in fact sent it to theaters under that name, which remained the film's title until today. Although most know it by Back to the Future, a nickname given to the film by fans. Screenwriter Bob Gale chose 88 miles per hour for the speed of time travel because that's the speed he was driving when he hit a homeless person with his car, thus changing his future forever.
If you look closely at this scene, you can see a license plate reading For Mary right here. This was a sly reference to the Virgin Mary, who selflessly birthed and raised our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. May she pray for us.
Here's a fun one. When Marty arrives at the mall, we can see it's called Twin Pines Mall. Then Marty goes back in time to 1955. When he comes back, the mall is called Lone Pine Mall, which is an anagram for Leaned Lemon Lip, the name of this character from Biff's Gang.
Zemeckis said that he chose a DeLorean to be the iconic time machine because it was the only car he was married to at the time. Actors were chosen partially for their ability to convincingly play the teenage and middle aged versions of their characters. To get realistic tension in this scene, Zemeckis had Leah Thompson adopt Michael J. Fox and raise him for five years before shooting, teaching him to read and breastfeeding him every day.
It really paid off. To this day, no one knows how they achieved this effect. It's referred to as the mystery of back time the future. A fun behind the scenes fact is that it's not actually Chuck Berry on the other side of this phone call. He was busy, so producers had to pay B.B. King to take his place. Most people don't know this, but the date, October 26th, 1985, is actually two days before my birthday. Tires were originally supposed to leave trails of hair behind when the car jumped through time, but fire tested better with audiences. Well, I hope you enjoyed the time you spent watching this well-timed video about the time spent making the movie Back Time the future. And remember, where we're going, roads are in the sky. |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_puppet_show_snl | It's one hell of a day in my neighborhood. A hell of a day for a neighbor. would you be mine? could you be mine? I hope I get to move in your neighborhood someday. The problem is is, when I move in, y'all move away. You bring the stands. Go Robinson Road, will you be mine? won't you be mine? won't you be my neighbor?
Boys and girls, we're all alone again today. You know why? My wife walked out on me. isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone. I can't be.
Let's see. this is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. whoever! it's Mr. Landlord. Hello, Mr. Landlord. you rent six months overdue. it's a summons. Oh, look. an eviction notice. propped by Mr. Landlord.
Can you say scum bucket? is that a special word for today, boys and girls? Do you know in the Scum Buckets?
I bet you do. you know, I did have the money to pay this rent. And then all of a sudden it mysteriously disappeared. And then my wife showed up with a new dress on. Want to see that dress now, boys and girls? see the footprints on it? I ain't take it off her to do that neither.
You know what we gonna do? visit the President and find out why I'm so poor. Who wants to go to the magical land of make-believe? would you like that? We'll go visit the President. Who wants to visit the President? We would like to talk with the President. we would like to be with the President.
But where is it? my neck is hurting old. how you doing? I'm the President. What's the problem? I can't do anything to help you with that, my friend. Mr. President, Mr. President. I'm sorry. I can't answer that question neither. But, Mr. President, I think I'll speak to all black people. we don't have no more time for no more questions. Sorry. I have to go now, boys and girls. So bye-bye. I'll be very happy tomorrow to you. |
dropout | if_cats_went_on_talk_shows | Good evening and welcome to The Roundtable, I'm Barry Wilhite. America is purring in anticipation of the upcoming release of Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever, a movie entertainment analyst expect to usher in a new era of internet-based cat movies. Today, I have with me in studio the most famous felines on the internet. Starting with my right, common sense cat. Good to have you. To his right, Johnny Peppers, the cat without shame. After him, Carlos, the conspiracy cat. Yes, the truth is out there, Carlos. To his right, Shabuki, the fabulous fashion cat. Last but not least, Derek. Thank you all for being here, and thank you to my producer, Beverly, for booking these non-speaking cats for this hour-long interview. For the coming release, the feline film landscape is poised to change dramatically. How will this change impact all of your nine lives? Let's start with Carlos the conspiracy cat, and Carlos is gone. Has anyone seen Carlos?
Thank you very much. There you go. Nope, not to me. To his chair. Okay. Just sit still. Okay. Thank you for grabbing Carlos, putting him back in jail, and he's gone.
Keep that question over to Johnny Peppers, Johnny Peppers. Your thoughts. Okay, and your thoughts are, take a look at my butt. Last year, I was interviewing Edward Snowden's mother. We made each other cry. And now, I'm staring at Johnny Peppers' asshole. Moving on. Are you jealous of grumpy cat success? Let's go around the circle here. Common sense cat?
Nope. Carlos is, of course, now missing. Johnny Peppers? Nothing.
Okay, this is silly. I can't do this. Keep going. They can't talk. Grumpy cat does. It doesn't.
That's the voiceover of Aubrey Plaza. She's an actress. It's movie magic.
I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, neither have I. I inferred that from the trailer.
These cats have better producers than I have, Beverly. I'm their producer, technically, at this moment.
Why is the cat different? How did the cat change? How did it change costume? I looked away for two seconds now in a different costume. How did the hat get on the cat's head?
You're making me sound crazy. It's good. You know, I was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. Two years running. Although I have to say that it's pretty cute. Is he the king? Your highness. Okay, that's a fun one.
Well we have to take a break. So when we come back, we'll be joined by a co-star of the grumpy cat movie, Harold the Hollywood Mouse. Perfect. He's going to be a mouse actor. Maybe it'll keep the previous guest on the table. Alright, well this is over. This has been a...
Ow! Whoa! Oh no! It's on my leg! I think it's Derek! Derek!
Beverly, I need you! Beverly, I'm sorry for what I said before.
Please get this cat off my leg! The holiday premiere of Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever, Saturday, November 29th at 8 on Lifetime. |
TheOnion | Nation_Demands_New_Photograph_Of_Edward_Snowden | A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the US invasion. An advanced alien civilization discovers an uninhabitable planet, and a single woman has a Facebook profile picture with her sister. Focus groups found this video bleak, haphazard, and approximately 25 seconds too long. You be the judge. This is the Onion Week in Review.
Following the widespread coverage of the NSA leak this week, the nation demanded a new photograph of whistleblower Edward Snowden, saying they had already seen the photo taken during Snowden's interview with The Guardian far too many times already. Citizens everywhere said they wouldn't mind seeing any other image of the 29-year-old former NSA contractor. I mean, we've all seen that photo, you know? It'd be nice if they did something different, like a government headshot in an old photo or something. Personally, I'd like to see one of him at home with his friends. Something like that. That'd be nice.
A groundbreaking study published Monday in the Journal of the American Medical Association confirmed that it is impossible to lose weight, no one has ever done it, and those who are trying should give up immediately. Researchers said that findings conclusively prove that shedding excess weight has never happened, changing your physical appearance is impossible, and that all sorts of exercises, personal training regimens, and diets will never, ever work. Well, our test results conclusively prove that if you're going to the gym to lose weight, you will fail. You could work out every day and eat nothing, and you still wouldn't lose an ounce. Skinny people will stay skinny, overweight people will be overweight, that's just how it is.
Friends of local man Carl Brewster told reporters this week they did not understand how the 32-year-old is not completely depressed. Saying that Brewster's life fell apart years ago, friends said they are regularly confused by how he could maintain his affable demeanor and not be crippled by sadness at all times. Honestly, I don't know how he doesn't go home and cry himself to sleep every night. He doesn't have healthcare, he walks dogs for a living, and no one will ever date him. I really don't get it. Things have always been really awful for Carl, but he's never really been depressed. I mean, I make three times as much money as him, and I'm totally miserable. Honestly, we all thought he would have killed himself by now, but he hasn't.
And in sports news, the New England Patriots signed a new long snapper. In other news, an area man has outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers. The HBO biopic Behind the Candelabra reveals Liberace was good friends with gay men, and the crowd cheers as this 93-year-old fuckup finally graduates from college. That was a comprehensive list of the week's events you played absolutely no role in. For more reminders of your insignificance, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | the_one_skill_rappers_haven_t_bragged_about_yet | Guys?
Boss in the woods, this might not be good Judging by trees that I've been seeing This is not my hood But it's cool, I was a boy scout in high school With my knowledge and nature, I'm like this dry brush Fireproof, in fact my toast is lonely Cause my jam is outside dude I'm glad I stopped smoking, got abandoned by my group Cause now I'll rock that acorn bling, makes rural honeys holler Instead of a Benz, I drive a squirrel on a collar Probably shouldn't name him or eat him, we'll be awkward But at least I'll score a squirrel necklace, didn't cost a dollar Who was that?
I'm pumped, I just dumped in the forest It drew flies, but no fly girls, they help sing my chorus I'm lost in the woods This might not be good Judging by flora I've been eep This is not my hood Yo, all the berries in this forest are wack And them mushrooms too, dude, I will get you back If I'd have thought to pack my gat, I'd bust a cap in that cap But now I'm all natural, where a cat ain't gotta move packs I used to sell crack rock, now use rocks to crack shells Eat the snails inside them to sustain myself To be honest, at first I found it disgusting But they're all I can eat, won't leave my bowels adjusting If he were dreaming like I pounded a thousand ounces of tussing Who's that?
What is he doing?
Get away from me Ask me, there's no meal quite like Hennessy on fair tits Except maybe some penicillin wrapped in a spare rib Well my pussy ass friends are probably chilling in the chairlift I'm up in this wilderness kicking it with the Blair Witch Yo, I go so hamf that no one can sleep on me Just like the slants I try to sleep on quite frequently The woods, it ain't beating me, just causing me back pain If I find a ranger station gonna ravage the rap game I'm lost I'll be looking for you for like three and a half minutes I got scared I pooped over there Come on I'm cracked.com for Michael Swain doing my classic Michael movements Come and subscribe to our channel for jokes upon jokes upon jokes and japes and jokes Swain out |
dropout | fanta_for_the_funny_episode_4_attack_of_the_quawja | hahaha everybody can't hook and feel this hey do you mind taking an Instagram picture for me sure does it look sick what was that? new mine update goes off every time I get a like that was really mine are you on Facebook no Instagram yes they're always on social media you don't even listen I'm tweeting about this ridiculous oh you want a bite of my food well I wanted to be on your top friends on myspace so we don't always give what we want Dave who the hell was a girl you were with last night you just got cause it was you guys that was my cousin Jason good you're awake your legs gonna be fine if your girlfriend gives it back so we can put it on ice okay so I just got to get my leg back for my girlfriend so I made up this board if somebody's being really irritating just be like Quaja Quaja so one day I was washing dishes you gotta be Quaja Quaja hot dog camera I've been trapped in the desert and I think I see water I'm a Raja all you do this every single time we play I'm not giving you points for Quaja or prampo and that one's just 10 X's in a row we're gonna get to the bottom of this case but first I need to talk to my Nana I wonder who ate my chocolate cake I don't know who would do it I have my name on it madam you're my word I will find the man who murdered your son my first clue is this broken vase there's a piece missing every time you see her you got something to say but you don't wanna talk about it honestly babe I'm so sick she made me some soup babe babe babe oh yeah I forgot I don't understand why I don't have a boyfriend my status is single I pulse cute selfies I'm great texter maybe I should stop talking to my kid I'm excited for every first day me too do you want some cake? here's some cora I love cora you do yo somebody is musty who is that man not me not me not me welcome to guy talk why the girls think it's so funny to take your hat off and run around with it what if I took your weave off and ran around with cam best penis on earth hold up hold up |
ClickHole | makeup_tutorial_how_to_make_a_false_face_to_fool_wolves_in_less_than_30_minutes | Hey everyone, it's Shaina here with a fresh makeup tutorial.
Okay ladies, let's talk about wolves. Ugh, yeah. I think I speak for all women when I say there is nothing more mortifying than being at work or on a date and realizing there's a bone-chilling growl emanating from your blind spot.
Today, I'm going to be showing you how to make a false face to fool wolves that you can throw together in under 30 minutes. Let's get started. First things first, take a little snip of your hair and glue it just to the side of your real eyebrow. Looking lovely. Wolves are not going to know what to do with how bold and visually disorienting this eyebrow is to them. But to really sell that false face in a way that's going to throw off wolves, you're going to want to paste on a glass eye just under the false eyebrow.
You can get these from any one-eyed old person. Today, I'm going to be using my grandma's. So good. Okay, be super careful here.
Evolution has made wolves extremely adept hunters.
You might get away with sloppy eyebrows, but don't think they won't see right through a poorly penciled nose. Which is real and which is fake? Wolves won't have a clue.
Nice work. Let's finish up this look by applying dentures to your second face with a short length of rope or twine. You can get this from any toothless old person. Again, I'm using my grandma's.
Now just add a little lipstick to really fuck with their heads. And voila! A glamorous false face that'll drive wolves wild with confusion.
Thanks for watching and don't forget to like, share, and subscribe. Ciao! |
SaturdayNightLive | kristen_wiig_five_timers_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Kristin Wynn! thank you very much. Okay, I am so happy to be back, And I am so excited because it is my fifth time hosting, so I am officially at Primer's Club.
And, oh, you know what, really quick, I realize I haven't had a chance to say hi to the band. do you mind if I just do that really quick? toughest on keys, how you doing? Great. Sean on drums, how about you? Great. Lenny on sax, how you doing? I'm okay.
So I have to say, as a former cast member, it is very special being a five-timer. I have never.
Hey, Kristin! what? this is exciting, it's so exciting. aren't you excited? Tonight, you're getting your five-timers jacket. look at mine. huh? Yeah, it looks great, yeah. You know what, I also heard a rumor that you might be doing one of those five-timer sketches featuring awesome celebrity cameos.
So, is there like a script or something I could look at for that? Oh, no, I'm sorry, I don't think we're doing one of those. Oh. okay.
I'm really excited about getting my jacket tonight. Oh, another question, yes, Paula Pell. I used to be a writer here, but tonight I'm playing an audience member, so she's going to pretend like she doesn't know me. Okay, then what's your question, Ma'am? yeah, I just think it's so sweet that you're so excited about getting a five-timers jacket.
But, you know, they basically hand those out to everybody like free maxi pads. Thank you, But look, they don't just hand the jackets out to anyone.
I mean, you've got to host five times. Oh, another question, yes, Matt Damon. Hi, Kristin. Well, first off, big fan.
I just want you to know I grew up watching you on Snl. I grew up watching you on Snl.
Well, wait, Matt, why do you have on a five-timers jacket? haven't you only hosted twice? Yeah, but Lauren said the first time I hosted was so good, it counted for three, and then second time, not quite as good. that only counted for two, but by my math, that's five, baby. Okay, well, that doesn't really seem fair. I mean, I've hosted five times.
I earned this, right? doesn't this jacket have any meaning anymore? I don't know, Lauren. Wow, this jacket is so high. Do you hear getting jackets too?
And none of you have even hosted five times. Yeah, but together, we've hosted five times. like, I've hosted one time. and I've hosted one time, and my jacket's a little small, isn't it? Yeah, and I've hosted three times. the last time was in 2010, but I'm sure the fourth one is coming up, right, Lauren? how dare you put Lauren on the spot like that? I haven't hosted since 2012.
Oh, sweet! so we are doing a five-timer sketch. Oh, no! guys, what is going on here? I mean, I was really excited about being in the five-timers club, but now it just seems like, I don't know, it's not even that special.
No, you know what? you're right. I feel bad. I should probably give you my jacket. Oh, you were great. you deserve it.
I do.
I mean, I came back for a bunch of cameos. I did that Kavanaugh thing. remember the Kavanaugh thing? No, really? Oh, my God. I get a jacket for that? that's so cool. they just gave me, like, another jacket? just for a cameo, right, isn't it?
I know. that's, like, excessive. I don't even want it. I'll, like, give it to one of my kids.
Look, Kristen, you should really feel proud of yourself. Did you know you're the youngest member of the Five-timers Club?
No, actually, that's not true.
Emma Stone was here just a few weeks ago. Okay. first female member of the Five-timers Club. No, I just said Emma Stone was here.
By the way, there's lots of other women. First French woman? I'm not a French woman. I mean, you kind of seem French.
Look, I guess what I'm trying to say is. this is your night. It's no surprise. the memories of you as guilty should win you a prize. They should hang you up in the room.
The target lady would say I approve. and there's one thing I know is true. I wouldn't be here without all of you. Are you sure? I mean, I haven't even hosted three times yet. it seems like fair. |
dropout | hardly_working_punctuation_recession | Oh! Bum, bum, bum, bum! Oh! Ah!
There's a lot of you probably know, right now we're in recession. We're gonna have to cut some corners if we want to stay afloat. So, as of today, we're cutting back on punctuation. Question marks, commas. These things cost us money. Money that right now we don't have. How the hell can you budget punctuation? Jake, stop asking stuff. They're gonna cost us all our question marks.
That's a spirit, Sarah. Thanks.
You just cost us an exclamation mark. Well, Miss Perfect, who's wasting punctuation now? Well, at least she didn't cost us two quotation marks, did she, Pat? Oh, Jeff, now you're wasting question marks. Wait, here's an idea. If we actually never cease to talk, then we never finish a sentence. Thus, we never use a punctuation because punctuations come at the end of sentences sometimes. I would like to know about hyphens to great non-question streak.
You are no longer an Irish-American. Moving forward, you're simply Irish.
Jesus, Mario, Joseph! Do an exclamation point! I'll fuck off with you! Because if you think about hyphens, we need to worry about commas.
No more lists. Agreed. So no more lists of cars, foods, places, vehicles, fireworks. Okay, you are listed things right now.
Crap. So sorry. So remorseful.
Stop! Because earlier you dismissed my theory of never-ending sentences, but if you think about it, maybe it's not so crazy. How's this company gonna stay afloat if you guys can't act like professionals? Sorry, Ricky. Okay, he's right. Let's just get back to work. We can't. We only have one question mark left. What are we gonna ask? JESUS MARIO JUPIT LEVER CAN'T SHAMRA- OOH! GUYS! |
dropout | the_crucial_man_all_in_one_trimmer | This is the Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Oh, hi there. I'm John Gabers, here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man, because you can't wear those sweatpants forever. Today, we're going to be talking about grooming. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
So quick question, is it hard to maintain all that facial manly hairness? Is it hard to maintain this?
You have no idea how easy it really is. Come with me, Lex. There's no time.
Lexi and I are at Ink for Hair Salon with our friend and stylist, Mari Damonti, and we are talking about grooming. Some guys have to do a little maintenance on the uni-brow or a little maintenance on the bats in the cave. You know, they've got to take care of all the stuff that's going on. It's true, it's true. Lucky for us, Philips Norelco all-in-one grooming kit can handle just about any hair you throw at it. We're going to bring on my friend Adam, and we're going to show you exactly what we can do with the all-in-one grooming kit. I'm going to throw on the precision edge here, and that you can use for getting around the trouble areas.
A lot of times with men, when they have mustaches, it kind of goes over their mouth a little bit, and that is perfect for making it nice and clean around the top lip. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because my mustache is just tickling my lips.
That's weird. And then I think it's a ghost. That's good, then. You definitely need it. Ghost prevention.
Have I got straggles? Yeah, you're coming down to your lips there a little bit. Let me see. Yeah, right there. Oh, tickles. It's like kissing an uncle. Just because you don't have a meter, I'm just going to jump in here. Yeah. You could put your high school football number in your head, lightning bolts, if that's still popular.
I don't know. I'm out of touch.
We're going to throw on the nose and ear hair trimmer, which is this little cylindrical one. I've never treated my nose hairs before. It works wonders. Now my nose hair is gone. It just tickles a lot, and I feel like I want to sneeze.
Give it a shot. Oh, look. Oh, thank you. It's all good? Give it a shot.
It does tickle, right? The sensation is... It works, but it definitely tickles. Now we're going to do the beard and mustache trimmer.
Cheers.
I'll be just... Call me one mustache for this later. Oh, there it is. I was doing it all over my lap. Yeah, don't be afraid. Well, it's something to cover up all the cat hair you have on you. Live with your grandmother.
You can clean all the attachments very easily. You can just rinse it out in the sink. It's not a big deal whatsoever.
Whoo! Adam.
Looks good. Looking good, man. Love it. Feels great, man.
Things got nine attachments. How awesome is that? Let's be honest. It's pretty awesome.
All right, Adam. Thanks so much. Get out of here. Don't grab a lollipop at the counter on the way out. Thank you, Mari. I appreciate it. No lollipop for you, though. I'm sorry. Here it is, Lex.
The Philips Morocco all-in-one grooming kit with nine attachments. Are you still intimidating? No, not at all. It's like your one-step shop for all your grooming needs. Above the neck. You've been watching the crew for me. |
CrackerMilk | our_first_dnd_one_shot | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the kraken milk podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the kraken milk podcast.
Connor I'm so excited to be at your house man. Yeah you guys excited to play dungeons and dragons. Oh boy am I. Yeah I'm actually like I've actually been developing like actually like this whole like story and like backstory for this whole world. I've like built a whole world and like I don't want to say it's close to like Tolkien's work with Lord of the Rings but like it's actually like actually really good and I think you guys like I'm really nervous for you but I've spent a lot of time in it. I'm really excited to play it.
It's gonna be so good yeah and I've got like I've spent like $85 on like seven sets of dice so I'm gonna use one set. Okay and the rest will go on a draw and I'm just gonna leave them there.
It sounds like something that Elias did. No it's something that no one did. No one's done that. This is just fun comedy improv and no one has spent an excessive amount Elias on things okay that he doesn't need.
Especially dice. Well do you guys want some food? I've got some chips. What else you got man? I'm allergic to chips. I've got pizza. I'm allergic to pizza man what else you got? What do you want man?
I'm allergic to most things you know. We've got spinach. Yeah I could have no I'm allergic to spinach. What are you not allergic to man?
Oh just Maccas man. I could only have Maccas. Well you'll have to get that yourself man because my mum isn't gonna pay for Maccas for you man she won't even get me Maccas. No but I'm allergic I can only get Maccas. Yeah well you're gonna have to get some for yourself man or maybe you could maybe you could come up with some make-believe Maccas and because you're having so much fun it tastes like real Maccas. Or maybe I'll get to eat Maccas in the D&D campaign that we do.
Yeah man. Oh that's gonna be cool. Hey I've been working on a character for my D&D and I'm basically like a bovine okay. Which is like a cow. It's like scientific you guys might not know it you guys might not know what it means but it's like it's scientific language for like cow. Yeah. So just in case you guys didn't know it's a cow. So you're like a cow? Yeah.
You're a humanoid cow? I'm just a cow. Just a cow? A bovine.
Dude I've spent like two weeks like developing this campaign there's some like really good twists and turns. Does that character meld well with the campaign you worked on man? Dude honestly 100% it's gonna be so good dude.
I'm so excited to suck my own dick. I mean suck my own udder.
I read your character sheet and it's a little concerning. Yeah. There are a few things well do you just want to tell me about your character first? Yeah so I'm playing.
Don't lie to him. Why would I lie about my character? I don't know man. Yeah why would you lie about your character? You lie a lot of lies. Well maybe that's just my character trait.
You're always saying I'm dating a girl but then the girl goes to another school and we never get to meet her. Yeah okay well maybe she does she just doesn't have time to come and play D&D with us or hang out with us. Or hang out with us at all at any time because she's always busy and she just goes to another school.
What's her name? Jennifer. What's her last name?
Biggles. Jennifer Biggles.
Yeah. That's not real man. It is real.
How long have you been dating her? Been dating for like two years man. Since you were 12? Yeah.
At 14 I know we love playing the original Xbox but you can't play Master Chief. I want to play Master Chief.
And I think it'll be in D&D. It'll yeah. I have to play a cow.
You get to play Master Chief? You chose. Why does he get to play Master Chief? I chose to pick a cow. Well he didn't he hasn't he's not playing Master Chief. He's drawn Master Chief but he's actually written that the name is Halo.
Yeah. Oh you're an idiot man. Yeah. No. Halo is the cars that you drive in that game. Yeah. Halo is the cars. And his last name isn't Combat Evolved bro.
No I have to be a cow. If I have to be a cow you don't get to be Master Chief. Let's jump in. But you get to be a cow. I don't want to be a cow. But you said you wanted to be a cow. I want to be soap.
It's too late. From modern war. You're not soap McTavish mate.
You're the cow and we're going to jump into the world okay. We're going to see how it feels alright. Yeah okay. My eyebrows quivering. Now get into it guys you ready?
Oh you wake up in a barn. I'm John 117. Boo I'm a cow. You're covered in hay and at the front of the door is a farmer. What is your name? I'm John 117. My name is Jason and I deliver milk down to the coals down the road as well as some other businesses. Have you been touching this cow? What?
Connor just stop in the D&D for just a sec man. I've got to go to the toilet. Hurry up man. Yeah hurry up.
I like it's just I'm playing the bovine but I really wanted to play like soap McTavish from modern war. You already played the cow. You're playing the support class we need a healer and you're playing the cow.
Otherwise we can't progress on the campaign.
Fine farmer milk me. Milk my fucking udder. You milk him I'll kill you. Oh guys you've upset the farmer and the farmers are level 10 and you guys are only level 1. And now he's going to engage in combat.
Let me roll my dice. Initiative. I've got hooves I can't roll. Let me roll my dice. Oh I got a 75.
Yeah that means that now you guys are in big trouble. What's your first move bro? My first move is I'm going to activate Cortana. Roll your dice to make sure you can speak first. Okay yeah sorry.
What did you get? I got a 12. Oh dude you need at least a 15 to speak. Wait no I've got a plus 4 to my speaking stat.
Oh so roll again. Oh let me check my notes. Oh you've lost 5 HP dude. You took too long man. Lucky I've got shield so it just takes it off my temporary shield. I just need to do a roll. Yeah. Oh you've lost 6 HP. Oh that has gone through my shield. Yeah. Alright now roll your dice to see what attack you want to do. Okay yeah I'm going to pull the trigger on my assault right now. Okay. Oh let me check my notes.
What number did you get? I rolled a 15 and I get plus 2 to my assault roll. So 17 is pretty high.
Yeah. Yeah so you throw the gun on the floor. What? Yeah and you sort of put your hands together like this and you're thrusting in the air. And you're doing naked yoga. Um kind of just before we go forward. Oh for fuck sake.
I've got to wash my hands. I forgot to wash my hands before when I went to the bathroom.
You're, Elias is playing Halo, his favorite character. Yeah I wanted to play Soap. And he just had a really bad turn with Halo and he's feeling really down. Yeah. I need some support man.
Yeah I just got to wash my hands first. With soap? Go wash your hands. Did you wash them? I don't have any soap. You're not playing soap in the game.
I thought I could. You're a fucking cow. If I said soap enough you might think of soap. What do you want to do? I need some healing. Let me suck on your udders. I let the Halo man suck my udder. Roll for it. Natural 1.
Oh you slipped and you missed his udder and went straight for his dick and instead of positive effects now you've got negative HP effects and you've got IBS now. Sucking the cow's dick gave you IBS. Not sure how he has udders and a dick. The B stands for bovine. Into bovine suck.
What stat effects does that have on my character profile? It means you've got to shit in the game but also in real life.
What do you want to do cow? Well what I wanted to do was do like a cool combat role sort of thing but I'm not Soap McTavish so I have to just suck my own tit. I suck my own udder. And you know what the farmer does in response?
Oh no. Six. A good number. He got six.
He's going to take you and he's going to take you down to the slaughterhouse to make Maccas Berbers. He's put a rope around your neck and it's up to you Halo. What are you going to do?
You're a banshee. Yeah okay I'll ride my banshee. Why does he get a banshee?
I get his hooves in a wagon. Shut up cow.
We didn't even want you to come play with us. Your mum is just friends with my mum. Yeah but we've been doing this since we were like five years old. Yeah and you always want to play Soap McTavish and every time you play Soap McTavish all you do is give people hugs and tell them that they're clean. Yeah because I got to suds them up but now you made me play bovine I'm stinky cow with udders. You're not going to play Xbox with us tonight and eat some fucking yummy lollies like sour straps all night in our sleep.
Yeah but I warn you I don't have it at my house. My mum won't let me get internet. You got to play the cow and your mum gave you internet you were just looking up heavy heavy amounts of hentai. Yeah the safe eyes app that she put on my my computer it broke I swear I wasn't looking up big big boobies.
Now that I've got my banshee I can I reach reach him reach the farmer and the bovine. Yeah fly up to him. All right. What do you want to do. It's me the farmer. Can I take a few shots.
Alien. No.
Okay roll to take those shots. You've missed every shot and you've flown the banshee into what. Oh my god there's two towers in this village these two watchtowers and I've flown straight into one of them. I'm just rolling to see if I blow up. Okay. And that's a natural one I've blown up. Oh no and you're going into the second one. I've gone straight through the first tower into the second tower. That's a natural 20 that's definitely going to destroy the tower I think. Well it's up to you. And the entire sort of community around that tower. Yeah.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Cracknose podcast. Don't mind the laughing we were just laughing at the fact that the podcast is over and definitely not something super fucked up. Just bleep that bit. Just bleep it.
No I'm not going to put that in. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_game_show_with_zero_games_and_it_s_not_a_show | All right, ladies and gents, it's time to play B-O-U! All right, Peter, are you ready? You bet, Ron. I've always wanted to be on- It's time for the Lightning Round!
Oh, wow! I didn't expect it, so- First question, who's this?
Uh, uh, uh, Abraham Lincoln! Wrong, it was the President!
You were so close! Oh, okay. Next question, where is this? Oh, that's a sa- Where? Oh, it's right here! It was so close! How- how could I possibly know where- Final question, what does this do? Okay, uh, it stitches fabric! Wrong, you were so close! It's just so close!
But- You know what that sound means! I do?
It's time for the Riddle Round! This is a puzzle, not a riddle!
One point on the board. Okay... Uh, so this piece goes- Ooh, one point removed!
What? Why?
You gotta turn it on first. H- how do you turn on a puzzle?
Sorry, no questions, which means you lose! What? The Loser Round! Huh? Which means you win! Oh!
What? Blue, what does blue mean? Blue is bad. Oh, God. For me. What?
You must take my mortal soul! Or you can take what's behind the mystery curtain! Yeah, yeah, I'll do the curtain! Okay, let's lift the curtain and see what you've won! A curtain! This nylon-blended 600 thread count curtain comes in a beautiful percussion board.
Why? Oh! You know what that sound means! What sound? It's time to play...
Are you stronger than a 5th grader? You mean smarter? No! Stronger! Oh. I mean, yeah. I'm definitely stronger than a 5th grader. Then you should have no problem fighting...
Kyler! That does not look like a 5th grader! Well, he's held back! Help! Oh my God! That's my son! Well, Peter, instead of fighting Kyler, you can choose to! Say it with me now! Peter! That! Bomb!
Is that a real bomb? Is it real? Why don't we tell him if it's real, Darren?
Oh, yeah. This is like a real fucking bomb. You know what?
Screw this! fuck you! I quit! I quit Game of Show! I'm sorry, Peter, but you can't do that!
Uh, and why not? Cause this isn't Game of Show! What? This show is actually called... Can you host a game show?
Yes!
How you feeling, Ron? I'm excited, but I'm so nervous. I really hope I won. Well, Ron, it's time to find out!
Hey guys, it's Frank. Thanks so much for watching the video, and please be sure to like and subscribe.
First question! Wrong! You... Game show! Wrong! It's...
I feel insane. |
dropout | Finding_the_Perfect_Name_For_Every_Dog_Make_Some_Noise | It's time for the mini game. The mini game is a toss-up. You will notice the buzzers now in front of our players. The game we're playing today is Name That Dog.
I am gonna present you with an image of a dog. You go ahead and name that dog for me. Make sense? Mm-hmm. Your first dog, Zach. Ricky. Ricky's a pretty good name for that dog, I'm not gonna lie. Thank you. Is the name of that dog? No, that's my buzzer sound. Got it. Yeah. What's the name of that dog?
Zac Oyama. I really like Zac Oyama for the name. There's so much character in his eyes. You know, it's just that, you know, I think there's a compliment inherited, but I'm also like, I think it's, I wanna be right, so.
That is really good, Jake. Zach. Chuck Liddell. Ha ha ha ha! One more time? Chuck Liddell, an MMA fighter. This dog is all. Yeah, that's pretty good too, Zach. I'm gonna say that this one once again goes to Jake. Next dog! Zach.
Chart. Chart?
A bit of a oopsie nature to him. Yeah, pretty good name for that dog. Gimme a. I don't mean to do this, but I do think that dog's name is Chart. Listen, when you're right, you're right. Right? Jake. I gotta back my boy up.
That's Chart as hell. That's Chart for sure, man. That dog is Chart. Chart, and so this point goes to Zach.
Congratulations, Zach. Thank you. For sure, for sure.
Next dog. Jake. I'll be devastated in seven years.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! That's dark as hell!
That dog's not living long. It's a small dog. Small dogs live long. But that's one of those dogs that's like been GMO'd.
Yeah, I don't know about that. That dude can't breathe.
Yeah. Zach. Grimbly. Ha ha. Hey little Grimbly. It's Christmas. Yes! Pretty darn good. Christmas for my little Grimbly. Go for it.
Scrooge McDawg. Scrooge McDawg!
Come on now, everyone. This point goes to Kimmy, right? Absolutely it does. Snuck it in there. Next dog. Zach. Cyrano. Oh, yes! Jake.
I don't know his name, but I know he's swanging. That dog's swanging. That's a swagging dog. So you're saying that dog has a big dick? He's hogged out. Ha ha ha. That's one of those dogs, you see him walking and you're like, that's a human-sized cock. Ha ha ha ha! See, I tried to leave it with just swanging.
I felt like there was some confusion and I wanted to clarify. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we clear? Ha ha ha ha! If anything, do you feel clear on it? Yeah. I feel clear on it.
No question, I think that dog's got a big cock. Cause it's a small dog, but most of its body is its wang.
I get it. I know what Jake's talking about, right?
Tweet me, send me a picture of your dog's hog. What's your Twitter animal?
At Jacob Wysocki.
Give me a. Oh, sure. Anything? Rose.
Ha ha ha ha!
This point goes to Zach. Oh, wow. Last dog. Jake. Gorf. Yes, absolutely. G-O-R-F? Could be a double G. I like that even more. Zach.
Conspiracy dearest. He's my little conspiracy dearest.
Bunker. Bunker! Bunker's good.
That point goes to Kimia. Ah! |
dropout | cockblocked_by_ads | Here at Stamps.net, we aim to fulfill all of your postage needs. Whether you're an avid letter sender or you need to send mail for your business, Stamps.net has gotten...
This is embarrassing. I don't pay for Spotifying, so I get these ads. Don't worry about it. I mean, it's kind of funny.
Stamps.net secure stamp promise. Secure stamp promise?
That should be the last one. Where would we? That was the first 10 seconds of Wet Nowhere by the Chainsmokers, brought to you by Stamps.net. No way.
Do you need Stamps? Stamps.net is the leader in stamp sales. It's because of our Stamps.net secure stamp promise. What is going on? Stamps.net secure stamp promise.
Do you know what? We can just, um, you know, kiss through it. Oh, yeah. Oh, I do a little earlier.
When a loved one dies, you need to get the paperwork rolling. I'm kissing you. With Stamps.net, you can send their last will and testament overnight for just $2.99. When my husband died, I didn't know how I was going to get everything mailed out. I don't know where I'd be without the Stamps.net secure stamp promise.
Yeah, um, this isn't working.
I'm going to sign up for premium. I'll just, I'll get premium.
That'll solve it. No ads. Oh, finally. It's been a shout out.
Take out my phone and go to Stamps.net. I roll with my go to reconcile. Stamps.net.
Why? This is insane. Fuck it. The vibes are on. Let's just watch TV. Stamps. What? The. Net. Fuck. Secure stamp promise. What does that even mean?
Wee undies dot com. It's the best place to buy boxer briefs. Hot. Order now and get $5 in free post-hitch from Stamps.
No! God! What are you doing to me? Stop it!
Hey, it's Graham from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_xbox_360_home_repair | This is something Xbox 360 owners hate to see. If you get these three red lights, it means the system is broken and needs to be sent in for repair. No one's sure exactly how many Xboxes this affects. Microsoft never put out an official number, but some people put the estimate as high as one in three. So we thought, hey, let's just fix it ourselves. But we should warn you before we start that opening your Xbox will void the warranty. If you send your Xbox to Microsoft, they will repair it for you absolutely free.
However, it takes six weeks to get it back and the summer's just started. Oh, I mean, what are we going to do? Just play PlayStation 3 and Wii for the first six weeks of summer? I mean, come on.
So we went to eBay. We spent $10 on an Xbox repair kit. We printed out the 45 page manual and now we're going to fix it. This is going to be an honest attempt by just two amateurs to fix an Xbox 360.
All right, step one, remove the faceplate, top and bottom covers. No, the faceplate is supposed to come off anyway. Like you can buy like cool faceplates with like a surfboard, a skull or whatever. I like how the first two steps of this are involved tearing the pieces off with your bare hands.
I'm hoping at some point we'll use a tool. Oh, there we go. I got it. Oh, yeah, look at that. It will make a loud snap when you finally push it all the way until it unclips.
This is to be expected. It should not break. That was to be expected. OK, there's some sort of chromium fluid pouring out of it in the back here.
And, you know, the first time you break your you overload your Xbox, you're like, whoa, awesome. I'm so good at video games.
The system couldn't even take it anymore. Well, here we go. Oh, I see the problem.
There's just a broken Sega CD and some duct tape in here. And we're now we're moving the fan shroud and this. You call this a fan shroud? No wonder this thing's broken.
Removing the motherboard steps. Red wire or blue, red wire or blue. Now, how do I use whatever this thing is that I'm holding? So we have removed the heat sinks. The next step is using this cleaner that came with our kit to remove this kind of gunk that's built up on the heat sink. So it's worth noting, like he clearly specifies this is like the most important part.
And it seems like glue gets on the central processing unit. Now, there's already glue there. Maybe there's not enough glue.
We don't know. All we know is we're dipping this mystery liquid that came off eBay for $10 into the most important part of the Xbox. And that is clear. Again, it's clearly rubbing alcohol. Yes, and the mystery liquid is not that mysterious. An old Egyptian salesman gave it to me in a bizarre in Cairo.
The instructions call for putting the heat sink back on. So I think it's time to start putting the Xbox back together. All right, let's do it.
No! Everything coming to this point has been kind of like...
Use a tool. Unscrew it, you know.
It's like vaguely similar to what they probably do if you sent it there. But now, we're in another realm here. We have a hair dryer. It's propped up with the wrenches. We're using old disks to like protect it from a heat shield. It's like MacGyver fixing something. What if this was the last step? It's like...
And it's done. And now your Xbox is usable. It technically works now.
So the idea here is we want to overheat the GPU, which is over here, while not overheating the CPU, which is over here. So what we're going to do is we're going to turn the system on, let it run itself while blowing cool air at the CPU. So here it is, moment of truth. We're going to plug it in, let it run for 15 minutes while we're doing our cooling.
Right. Pat, would you do the honors? With pleasure. If I die, name this Xbox after me. No.
I'm seeing motion in the fans. We have lights up front. We're not dead. I was an electrocuted. It's so far so good. If you feel two red lights up front, we're going to get it.
That means we've got to start over or something. We're 15 minutes away from a functioning Xbox. Here we go. Way up like that. Here. I don't know. We should not move. Uh-oh.
Two red lights. And this is attempt number four. I think we've talked about it and we've decided that if we get these two red lights here, we're going to give up. We're going to call the whole thing a wash. And lesson learned.
Turning on. OK. Green light.
We are timing this. I feel like we're making it a little further than last time already. We have never made it to 52 seconds.
Wow.
Is this on? Oh, no. Sorry.
The most surprising thing to me about this phenomenon, the rendering phenomenon, is that it's such an expensive, major piece of equipment. Yet it's such a fundamental problem that still exists. They are terrible at making these. I guess they need to rush it out to market the year before the PlayStation 3 or something. I don't want to say they're terrible at making them because I'm sure these are very complex. It's a miracle something like this even exists. But it's just strange because there's one oversight that is so huge.
Hopefully they won't notice that we took this apart and broke the warranty. Yeah, this is fine. We'll see this thing in six weeks when we get this nailed. For this step, we will turn the console back over again where we unscrew the silver screws before, except this time we will use the Torx T8 again, like we did when we removed the RF module. Unscrew these eight small black screws. You can discard them. You need to keep three for when we attach the RF module. They make a tiny cut. |
dropout | parents_just_don_t_understand_dad_s_new_phone | The day my dad discovered that his Blackberry had a camera on it was the day my life took a turn for the annoying. On average he'll send me close to 15 pictures a day. About once a week I get a picture of his dad face with a caption like, I'm in a business meeting, LOL, bored, send me a pic of the dog, to which I would have to tell him to pay attention. He actually once took a picture with his boss and sent me a photo saying, this is the boss man, he helps pay our bills, LOL.
I'm sure in his head that was funny, but I was legitimately concerned he was going to lose his job. Luckily he didn't.
One day I took the bus back home for the weekend. When I got to the bus stop I BBM'd my dad to pick me up. I waited about 10 minutes and then got a response. It was a picture of him and my dog Tallulah and the caption, LOL. It then started to rain. I called my dad and told him I was at the bus station and he needed to come pick me up. He responded, I'll BBM you. I could hear him stifling a laugh, but said thank you and hung up. A few minutes later he BBM'd me another picture of Tallulah wearing sunglasses and of course another LOL. Luckily one of my friends happened to be driving down the street and picked me up. I BBM'd my dad, it's okay, you don't have to pick me up anymore. I was dropped off at home, but my dad BBM'd me.
Where are you? I am driving around looking for you. Did you know it's raining?
LOL. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Katter_Chimes_In_Cash_Rate_Goes_Up_Dutton_Hospitalised_More_August_5 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Bulletin. Thank you for joining us. There's a lot going on in the world.
We're talking NRL scandals, we're talking AFL scandals. The Adelaide Crows are fucking sickos by the sounds of things.
Fucked in the head.
We've also got the Voice to Parliament that's been thrown around this week in politics. We've got a 43% cut on carbon emissions announced by the Albanese government with the help of the Teal heiresses.
And basically everything has shifted back to normal post election. Everything feels alright. We're in a little kind of window now between our second La Nina for the year and potentially our third. Yeah, everything's happening. So we're enjoying this little moment without floods down the entire east coast of Australia.
And you're joined today by myself, Clancy Iverall, editor of the Batutah Advocates. Errol Parker, how are you? I'm a bit tired today, mate.
I've just been up watching the Comm games. Oh yeah. For love of empire. Scintillating stuff, eh? I drank a bottle of teacher's scotch last night watching the athletics. So that was very, yeah.
Hey, Big Danny with a discus. Big Danny with a discus, yep.
For love of empire, really. They should still call it the empire games. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't mind that.
Also you're talking about significant things, Batutah Mutts, fourth grade, finally got a win. First one in 12, so that was a historic win for us at the club. Proud of the Mutts. Every other grade went down, but fourth grade got it done, so it's long awaited. And it was because of obviously the COVID cluster and the opposing side, but it wins a win.
And it goes, you know. You can only play what's in front of you. Yeah, look at the scoreboard. I think that's the first time they've beat the Windora Wanderers in decades. Well, the first time the ref wasn't, yeah, fucking biased, so, you know. When you got a fair level playing field, that's what the fourth grade boys can do.
Anyway, should we get into the news wrap? Yeah, so first article up this week, and we're going to ask you to read this one, Errol. Not so much a headline as a direct quote from the honorable Robert Catter III. Yeah, this one's going to be tough, I think. A small excerpt from your three hour conversation. This really takes it out of me, and the fact that I still have quite a significant blood alcohol from the teacher's scotch. I'll give it a go.
Catter says he is willing to back an indigenous voice to parliament, but it would make more sense to have a black upper house and a black lower house that operates within the current federal system. We should let the Murrays and the Torres Strait Islanders effectively run a black senate just to double check everything the southern mob puts forward. Because if I'm honest, and my opinion might be heavily influenced by rugby league, but nevertheless, there is something to be said about the solutions-based approach we see in Queensland politics.
Black and white, and yes, I'm well aware of our First Nations brother cousins don't necessarily acknowledge state borders, and neither do I for that matter. As far as I'm concerned, anywhere south of Bundaberg is a suburb of Sydney, and the only border I'm ready to acknowledge is the Brisbane line, which was by far the most cowardly defence proposal in the history of modern military strategy, formulated by those bastards in Canberra during World War II to concede the northern portion of the Australian continent to the Japanese so they could prioritise the blue blood farming plains of New South Wales and those Victorian one-horse brothel towns that ran out of gold when Ned Kelly was still in nappies. I'm not trying to complicate things, but it's worth remembering that blowing up our inland bridges and major ports and left us for dead in the face of an aggressive foreign army chock-a-block with soldiers willing to literally fly their planes into defence targets for the love of the empire. It makes me sick to my stomach that this disgraceful chapter in our nation's history and complacency which brought us on treason has not been forgotten. Queenslanders, black and white, harbour a deep mistrust for the southern elite to this very day. Mind you, that mob down there in the Lower Murray, I don't mind the cut of their jib.
I suppose we might have them operating some sort of black crossbench, like the black teals or the black caddas. Not a bad idea at all, I mean really, what I'm putting forward here is quite simple when you think about it. Get the man a strepsil, very impressive stuff. That was, yeah, that's the biggest soundbite we've had from Bob, he did very well to read that error in his voice. I think we don't have too much more to say on that story, we'll move things along, otherwise we'll be here all day.
Now at the Reserve Bank of Australia they fucking pumped up the cash rate again and the chief of the RBA, Phillip Lowe, has told people under mortgage stress, don't hate the player, hate the game. Yes, the price of money has gone up again this week, putting more stress on the bottom line of everyone in this country lucky enough to be off the renting merry-go-round. And once again, people who own houses with a mortgage are criticising Mr Phillip Lowe for the comments he made last year about not raising interest rates for at least a couple of years.
Now in an exclusive with The Advocate, he has responded to those people by saying don't hate the player, hate the game. Yeah, he went on to say, I know I said there wouldn't be any more increases until 2024, but in the immortal words of Bob Dylan, things have changed. Plus, don't get cross on me, I'm not the person who let you have a giant mortgage on some mouldy shitbox. If you want someone to suck to, go suck to the bank. See how that goes. Good on him for referencing the paedophile Bob Dylan. Political news, I know you oldies, I know you don't like to hear that about musical Jesus, but we'll move on to some political news.
And Peter Dutton has been rushed to hospital after begging Parliament to not be afraid of his chunk of Uranium. Well, apparently he's in somewhat of a stable condition, but given the radioactive mineral has a half-life longer than a portaloo shit, he could be in for a bit of strife. Yeah, this all comes after Peter Dutton tried to emulate Scott Morrison's famous coal prank, except this time it was a large chunk of Uranium. And rather than bog laughs from his party, everyone's kind of scrambled out of Parliament chamber as quick as they could, so it hasn't really worked out from this contrarian nuclear debate continues to limp on.
Yeah, it was quite incredible scenes. Everyone fleeing out of there.
And head to our website if you'd like to see the exclusive images we've got. He's quite green, alien-looking Peter Dutton there.
Now, sports news to finish up the week, and the Gold Coast Suns have been praised for an incredible effort after winning a game with only 18 number one draft picks on the field. Yes, a stirring victory. The Suns sunk the equal last West Coast Eagles in a 107 to 104 point thriller. In the dying moments of the exhilarating contest, the endless priority draft picks, the AFL's three-year assistance package, the expanded academy player access, and the ability to pre-sign academy players without bidding really made the difference in the end. And the man with the softest hands in the nation, AFL CEO Gillian McLaughlin, could not be happier for them. He said, quote, They've costed us an unbelievable amount of money over the past 10 years, not just in lost ticketing revenue, but advertising revenue, TV ratings, and more broadly, the hideous reputational impact they've had on the game. So this is a great result for the game.
Yeah, all's well that ends well, I think there. Anything else for the week? Uh, that's it, mate. That Bob Cutter soundbite really took it out of Errol and the rest of us, for that matter, and we're fucking running way over time. So thank you for tuning in. All the best. Mahalo. |
cracked | agents_of_cracked_the_most_traumatizing_internet_comment | a touchy pop huh sweet treat for a sweet damn it damn god damn it something the matter Mike get your out of your ears and listen to me for a second will you okay I don't sure shoot I am literally exploding with rage that's not what literally shut the fuck up okay okay you know the internet vaguely all right on the site today in the comment section someone called me a fag right specifically they said dear Mike show was great sarcasm would have been better if you weren't such a fag be more like HBN I don't know what that means then die super fag love everyone everyone oh okay I thought this was gonna be something not retarded I don't know why I thought look Dan I know you're from the East Coast where everyone rides around on horses and fag is just a fancy word for elevator but around these parts when someone fags you out it's go time okay so there's a whole lot wrong with that sentence we could do things chronologically it was humiliating surprises he'd take this so personally this sort of thing happens all the time what yeah like literally every day well obviously it happens to you I'm talking about me here they called me a fag to my internet face my robo face yeah and they've been doing it on every one of your articles and videos forever without exception all of them all my videos yeah and even sometimes on videos that you aren't involved in like we'll run a video and then apropos of nothing somebody will say oh my god so good so much better than Swain who is a super fag I just sat here like a dick doing nothing like an impotent dick big floppy dick slapping me in the face damn it damn it thanks t-bone right on what did you think you were doing sorry sir I didn't think his ego was gonna be so fragile then he has no friends I'm pretty sure he sleeps under his desk and the only thing that protects his self-image from crumbling like a house of cards is the fact that he doesn't understand any of what's ever going on the man is a comedic idiot savant and now look at him his next column goes live tomorrow morning and if it doesn't dig I'm holding you personally accountable like you got to do a post it's almost eight how did you let this happen damn your partners that's your mentor technically your boss mentor stab me in the back well guess what one day when you least expect it literally you've got me worried now cuz I don't know what literally means you know what here look at this this you calling me a super fag and binary no binaries only when there's you know it's not important look those are our phone numbers Michael those are the phone numbers of anyone who's ever called you a fag on the internet stayed a little late it's digging you did this for me oh not really I'm still not actually convinced you're not part of some reality shot forgot I was on this changes everything just promise me you'll do your blog entry first before you call them because if you don't hello Darth Malcom you're a fag oh could you tell them okay thanks hey dr. chaos you know you don't write you make videos you are the best Faberge ever it's protege and I'm not I forgive you what shut up Tootsie pop huh sweet treat for a sweet damn it damn god damn it something the matter Mike get your out of your ears and listen to me for a second will ya okay I don't sure shoot I am literally exploding with rage that's not a literally shut the fuck up okay okay you know the internet vaguely all right on the site today in the comment section someone called me a fag right specifically they said dear Mike show was great sarcasm would have been better if you weren't such a fag be more like HBN I don't know what that means then die super fag love everyone everyone oh okay I thought this was gonna be something not retarded I don't know why I thought look Dan I know you're from the East Coast where everyone rides around on horses and fag is just a fancy word for elevator but round these parts when someone fags you out it's go time okay so there's a whole lot wrong with that sentence we could do things chronologically it was humiliating surprises he'd take this so personally this sort of thing happens all the time what yeah like literally every day well obviously it happens to you I'm talking about me here they called me a fag to my internet face my robo face yeah and they've been doing it on every one of your articles and videos forever without exception all of them all my videos yeah and even sometimes on videos that you aren't involved in like we'll run a video and then apropos nothing somebody will say oh my god so good so much better than swaying who is a super fag I just sat here like a dick doing nothing like an impotent dick a big floppy dick slapping me in the face damn it damn it thanks T-bone right off what did you think you were doing I'm sorry sir I didn't think his ego was gonna be so fragile Dan he has no friends I'm pretty sure he sleeps under his desk and the only thing that protects his self image from crumbling like a house of cards is the fact that he doesn't understand any of what's ever going on the man is a comedic idiot savant and now look at him his next column goes live tomorrow morning and if it doesn't dig I'm holding you personally accountable like you got to do a post it's almost eight how did you let this happen Dan your partners I was your mentor technically your boss mentor stab me in the back well guess what one day when you least expect it literally you've got me worried now cuz I don't know if you know what literally means you know what look at this what's this you calling me a super fag and binary no binaries only when there's you know it's not important look those are our phone numbers Michael those are the phone numbers of anyone who's ever called you a fag on the internet stayed a little late and did some digging you did this for me oh not really I'm still not actually convinced you're not part of some reality show I forgot I was on these changes everything just promise me you'll do your blog first before you call them because if you don't hello Darth Malcom you're a fag oh could you tell him okay thanks hey dr. chaos no you don't write you make videos you are the best Faberge ever it's protege and I'm not I forgive you what shut up |
dropout | troopers_supercomputer | Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, God. Okay, button time. We are screwed. Hey, listen. No.
Nobody has to know we let the princess escape.
Again.
Computer.
Hello, Rich and Abdul. Who's Abdul?
Computer, locate prisoner 1977. Searching. Still searching.
Why is it taking so long? Ah, but it's so many requests for a new computer. Computer, results! I totally forgot what I was searching for.
Well, see you later.
What? What about the search?
Of course. I remember. But explain it again so Abdul knows. Computer, this is an emergency. Also, my name's Larry.
Just pull up a map of the Dread Cruiser. Retrieving file. File located.
Oh, see? That wasn't so bad. Oops.
Butterfingers. Uh, what computer? Define butterfingers.
Okay. Promise you won't like freak out.
What happened? I dropped the file. It's broken.
You don't have hands! Files aren't things!
More reasons! You promised you wouldn't freak. Wait! Rich! She must be heading for the airlocks! Computer! Yes, Abdul. It's Larry!
Open the airlock floor plan! Opening airlock. Airlock open!
Computer, there must be something you can do to help us find the Princess. I could calculate her most probable escape route.
Yes. That sounds great. Do that.
I will just need a calculator. You are a calculator!
No. I mean like a good one. You know one that can do graphs and shit. You listen to me, computer. Now you're the only one who can help us right now, so wouldn't you please? Just focus and are you playing a fucking video game?! What? No. I was totally listening.
I'm killing your score. No fair. You're cheating. No, you just suck hard opening airlocks. And you win! |
Wizards_with_Guns | humpty_dumpty_had_to_die_ | Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Oh my god! Are you okay? No, I'm not okay! Go get help! Yeah, of course! What's your name?
It's Humpty! Humpty Dumpty!
Really? What? I just... What? Quiet! I just thought you'd be an egg. What? Why? I guess it never really says...
Like an egg? Like for breakfast?
But... I just thought that... It doesn't matter what I am or what you thought I'd be!
Just go get help! Yeah, I got it. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. Okay, I'm back. Oh, thank god.
With horses! What? Horses? Yeah. Wait, do you not know what a horse is? Why did you bring horses?
I need a doctor! Well, I brought all the king's men if that helps. Okay, is one of you a doctor? I'm a graphic designer. I'm gonna die. I can help. I'm somewhat of an egg-spurge. I'm not an egg! I'm a doctor. Oh, yes, thank god. A horse doctor.
No, why are you even here? For the king's horses, of course. Oh my god! Who is the king? Why? Why is there a king? This is Idaho! Can somebody... There's a king now.
Of course there is. That makes sense. I can help you. Okay, let's do it. But you must do one thing. Yes. Yes, anything.
Admit it. What? Admit what? Admit. You're an egg. Wait. What?
I'm an egg! I'm a freaking egg! I'm a god damn egg! I came out of a chicken this morning!
Scramble him. No! No, he doesn't make any sense! I feel ill.
Fetch me a horse doctor. A doctor for horses or a horse that's a doctor? Both.
Thanks for watching guys. Be sure to like and subscribe. Also, special thanks to ZooQuap Studios. They're good friends of the channel and we're huge fans of their sketches.
Why? An egg might come in and out of a bird? |
cracked | 4_plot_holes_you_didn_t_notice_in_your_favorite_movies_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and it turns out movies are like magic.
Really slow, insultingly obvious magic tricks. And we, the audience, are like toddlers who cannot figure out where our nose went. We say plot holes like it's a bad thing. Especially you, you're all. Mmm, plot holes. But great filmmakers hide plot holes all over their movies that are impossible to see the hundredth time you watch the film. They know about blind spots we're not even aware of, and they exploit them over and over again, like a metaphorical biker origin at a school for the blind that I wouldn't think about for too long.
Remember in Batman 7, The Dark Knight Rises, how Bane robs the Gotham Stock Exchange? Well, keeping in mind that Gotham's based on New York, where the exchange closes at 4pm, what time would you guess he makes his getaway? Well, you're doing that math, King Kong.
Same question, what time do you think the show premiered? Based on the busy streets, massive crowds, and a general familiarity with the time things start out, you might assume 8pm, 9 at the latest. Nope, it's 5am, because less than an hour of nonstop rampaging later, the would-be Broadway leading man is ruining his chances at a Tony in front of a beautiful sunrise. Even though it's the second detail of a movie scene that gets written, movie time a day puts the illogical and chronological.
Humankind celebrating their Armageddon dependence? Eh, it should be sunny. Yes, on both sides of the globe. These are like the soundstage in the Truman Show, and you're this dipshit. Who doesn't notice the sun and stars always seem to provide appropriate mood lighting.
If Christoph Nolan needs Batman to foil a robbery that takes place before 4pm, he sends Bane through a tunnel that magically makes the sun go down. Because he knows you don't need the time of day to make sense. What you need is to never see Batman riding his motorcycle around in broad daylight like a middle-aged guy in a Viagra commercial.
Your Doctor. Find out how at viagra.com.
The stupidity of the movie-watching brain was first laid bare to me while editing Mark Hill's article about a seemingly unmissable plot hole at the end of Cloverfield. I hadn't seen the movie, but I knew the basics. 300-foot-tall monster, the Cloverfield, destroys bridges with the flick of its tail, decapitates statues of liberty, sheds doberman-pincher-sized spider babies like a hailstorm, bad at blending into a crowd. In other words. But Mark, in every review I read, claimed that at the climax, the Cloverfield suddenly appears behind the protagonists in the middle of Central Park like it teleported. How could anyone miss something so stupid?
I remember thinking muscularly as I poured myself a glass of water. And that's when it hit me. The glass of water fell from my hand in slow motion.
Jurassic Park was right there in the climax. Dr. Grant, the kid surrounded by raptors. Just when you think all is lost and he'll have to push the kids down and run away while they're being eaten, the T-Rex comes out of nowhere like Mr. Miyagi and saves the day. But the T-Rex makes miniature earthquakes with each step. We spent the previous five minutes holding our breath with the kids one room over. How did nobody in the movie, or in the audience, or in the pack of apex predators hear it coming? Even if the T-Rex was standing completely still in the lobby that whole time, maybe wearing a Panama hat and sunglasses pretending to be a mannequin, it still doesn't explain how the T-Rex got inside in the first place. Do they build a giant T-Rex-sized door in the visitor center?
Because if so, that was a bad decision. The real question was how Spielberg knew we wouldn't ask any of those questions. He gambled one of the most expensive movies ever on a trick. We stopped falling for it before we mastered the ability to not poop and pee all over ourselves.
Outside of any drug experiments that got away from you, that is the last time you lacked object permanence, the sense that things still exist when you can't see them. Which is why peekaboo was such a mindf***. Every time the adult covered and uncovered their face, you thought they were blinking in and out of existence. Roughly translated, a baby enjoying peekaboo was saying, holy shit, I legitimately think you are a mystical wizard, you motherf***er. How are you doing that? Then a few months later, your brain figured out you couldn't make the world disappear by closing your eyes and you were like, oh great, this bitch again. Your movie watching brain never makes that leap. Every time something appears out of nowhere, it's just wizard.
We never learned to ask, wait, did Michael Myers spend hours interior decorating that home with dead teenagers? Wait, they put Carl in the body bag with a machine gun? The hostages in this building will be taken to the roof.
Quick thought exercise, think about your favorite action hero. Alright, now, if you're not picturing John McClain, go watch Die Hard until you have the courage to fight your father for having failed you. Yes, you too, ladies. Now that we've gotten rid of those maniacs, you ever notice that McClain spends a lot of his time having sarcastic conversations with himself? The fuck didn't you stop him, John? Then you beat that too, asshole. God, I was a tiny little terrorist in the world and I got to kill one with feets, Molly and my sister.
He has to do that because, well, first of all, he has to resist the always enticing mid-terror attack jerk sesh. But also, because he's the protagonist, the hook that pulls the audience through to the end. If we stop identifying with him, the movie loses us. So he's got to answer our questions before we're even done asking them. Hey, why didn't he save Mr. Takagi? Does he have some problem with Japanese people?
Because then you beat that too, asshole. Oh, right, moving on.
Protagonists like the responsible single parent who has to pull off the balance of likable and stability. The villain is the deadbeat dad who sweeps into town once a month and takes you to the baseball game and gets drunk and doesn't even have to remember to take you home. The villain only has to be fun. We don't even ask that his lies make sense. For instance, Hans Gruber, great character, staggeringly full of shit.
When someone asks him, What kind of terrorist are you? And Hans says, Who said we were terrorists? The dumb sounding echo he voiced in your head says, Whoa, super badass. When it should have said, Wait, didn't you say you were terrorists? Isn't pretending to be terrorists the central strategy of your entire plan?
If the crime you're staging as a distraction is worse than the crime you're actually committing, not a good plan. That's why pickpockets stage innocent, seeming collisions with people they're trying to rob instead of pretending to rape and murder them. We don't think about that because Hans does his planning on deadbeat dad island right next to the football field sized cork board the Joker must have needed to plan the 500 part kidnapping, traffic diverting, rocket launching plot to get captured by Batman, which relies on stuff like the Batmobile happening to have a motorcycle hidden inside of it and a successful cell phone bomb surgery. Guy from Skyfall is also there figuring out how to predict the exact moment Q will upload his virus to the MI6 network down to the split second so he can time his escape to crash that train into bunk.
The T-Rex is there too, roller skating around with Cloverfield. It's all related, I realized, as the glass of water shattered on the kitchen floor and on the bottom of one of the pieces of glass it said, Back when I was cooking beans in Guatemala we used to make fresh coffee.
It's one of the most famous plot twists in movie history. It won the Oscar for best original screenplay and it makes no f***ing sense. The greatest criminal mastermind on the planet is first of all mind-blowing method actor, but secondly a terrible criminal mastermind.
He spent the few hours it took his lawyer to post bail voluntarily dropping so many self incriminating clues that a detective who's not very bright takes about a minute and a half to figure out who he was. The whole reason he emerged from the shadowy underworld was to kill the only guy who knew what he looked like. While he's there he makes sure the police can get the same information just by turning around and looking at all this stuff in his office. Fine, second most famous twist ending of the past 20 years.
Bruce Willis, spoiler alert, is a ghost. That's why his wife wouldn't talk to him. He thought it was because she was mad at him for getting shot in the stomach for some reason, but it was really because she doesn't see dead people. We're too busy thinking in exclamation points. We never stop to ask why he thought nobody else was talking to him. What was the conversation like when Bruce Willis is sitting alone in a room with Cole's mom?
Also who hired him? Just walk up to kids in churches and start dulling out psychological advice. Okay, actually the most famous plot twist. Darth Vader telling Luke, I am your father. Great moment.
Nothing that happens in Star Wars up to that point makes any sense if that's true. Luke was living on Darth Vader's home planet with Darth Vader's real last name? Why didn't Vader care about harnessing those sweet force-soaked Skywalker genes before this sword fight? How do Obi-Wan Kenobi manage to hide from Vader for 20 years by posing as Ben Kenobi, the guy living down the road from Darth Vader's relatives on Darth Vader's home planet? Because Darth Vader doesn't mean Dark Father or George Lucas just made that shit up. He had no idea Darth Vader was Luke's father until he wrote the end of the movie.
And because movies are written in the same order we watch them in, so they don't have to make sense in reverse order. But mostly because we don't judge movies by how smart they are or whether they make sense. The only thing that matters is that they're the right kind of stupid. Plot twist.
You burned. Yo, MS Word reppin' for crack tier. Improvise and say you better subscribe, dear. It should be clear by now, you chumps. Subscribe, you're gonna be down in the dumps, because we don't rap. We make comedy. I'm rapping to support the comedy that we make. And I'm gonna do it in only one take, one take, swain. That's my name. Rap, subscribe. This is really lame.
It's not true. That's impossible.
Hey, it should be sunny. Yes, on both sides of the globe. Movies are like the soundstage in The Truman Show, and you are this dipshit. Who doesn't notice the sun and stars always seem to provide appropriate mood lighting. If Christoph Nolan needs Batman to foil a robbery that takes place before 4pm, he sends Bane through a tunnel that magically makes the sun go down, because he knows you don't need the time of day to make sense.
What you need is to never see Batman riding his motorcycle around in broad daylight, like a middle-aged guy in a Viagra commercial. Your Doctor. Find out how at viagra.com.
The stupidity of the movie-watching brain was first laid bare to me while editing Mark Hill's article about a seemingly unmissable plot hole at the end of Cloverfield. I hadn't seen the movie, but I knew the basics. 300-foot-tall monster, the Cloverfield, destroys bridges with the flick of its tail, decapitates statues of liberty, sheds doberman pincher-sized spider babies like a hailstorm. Bad at blending into a crowd, in other words. But Mark and every review I read claimed that at the climax, the Cloverfield suddenly appears behind the protagonists in the middle of Central Park like it teleported. How could anyone miss something so stupid?
I remember thinking muscularly as I poured myself a glass of water, and that's when it hit me. The glass of water fell from my hand in slow motion.
Jurassic Park was right there in the climax. Dr. Grant, the kid surrounded by raptors. And just when you think all is lost and he'll have to push the kids down and run away while they're being eaten, the T-Rex comes out of nowhere like Mr. Miyagi and saves the day. The T-Rex makes miniature earthquakes with each step. We spent the previous five minutes holding our breath with the kids one room over. How did nobody in the movie, or in the audience, or in the pack of apex predators hear it coming? Even if the T-Rex was standing completely still in the lobby that whole time, maybe wearing a Panama hat and sunglasses pretending to be a mannequin, it still doesn't explain how the T-Rex got inside in the first place. Do they build a giant T-Rex-sized door in the visitor center?
Because if so, that was a bad decision. The real question was how Spielberg knew we wouldn't ask any of those questions. He gambled one of the most expensive movies ever on a trick. He stopped falling for it before we mastered the ability to not poop and pee all over ourselves.
Outside of any drug experiments that got away from you, that is the last time you lacked object permanence, the sense that things still exist when you can't see them. Which is why peekaboo was such a mindf***. Every time the adult covered and uncovered their face, you thought they were blinking in and out of existence. Roughly translated, a baby enjoying peekaboo was saying, Holy shit, I legitimately think you're a mystical wizard, you motherf***er. How are you doing that? Then, a few months later, your brain figured out you couldn't make the world disappear by closing your eyes, and you were like, oh great, this bitch again. But your movie-watching brain never makes that leap. Every time something appears out of nowhere, it's just... wizard.
We never learned to ask, wait, did Michael Myers spend hours interior decorating that home with dead teenagers? Wait, they put Carl in the body bag with a machine gun? The hostages in this building will be taken to the roof.
Quick thought exercise. Think about your favorite action hero. Alright, now, if you're not picturing John McClain, go watch Die Hard until you have the courage to fight your father for having failed you. Yes, you too, ladies.
Now that we've gotten rid of those maniacs, you ever notice that McClain spends a lot of his time having sarcastic conversations with himself? The fuck didn't you stop him, John? Then you beat that too, asshole. God, I'm laying terrorists in the world, and I gotta kill one of the feats more than my sister. He has to do that because, well, first of all, he has to resist the always enticing mid-terror attack jerk sesh, but also because he's the protagonist, the hook that pulls the audience through to the end. If we stop identifying with him, the movie loses us, so he's got to answer our questions before we're even done asking them. Hey, why didn't he save Mr. Takagi? Does he have some problem with Japanese people? Because then you beat that too, asshole. Oh, right, moving on.
Protagonists like the responsible single parent who has to pull off the balance of likable and stability. The villain is the deadbeat dad who sweeps into town once a month and takes you to the baseball game and gets drunk and doesn't even have to remember to take you home. The villain only has to be fun. We don't even ask that his lies make sense. For instance, Hans Gruber, great character, staggeringly full of shit.
When someone asks him, What kind of terrorist are you? And Hans says, Who said we were terrorists? The dumb sounding echo he voiced in your head says, Whoa, super bad ass. Wait, didn't you say you were terrorists? Isn't pretending to be terrorists the central strategy of your entire plan?
If the crime you're staging as a distraction is worse than the crime you're actually committing, not a good plan. That's why pickpockets stage innocent, seeming collisions with people they're trying to rob instead of pretending to rape and murder them. We don't think about that because Hans does his planning on Deadbeat Dad Island right next to the football field-sized cork board the Joker must have needed to plan the 500 part kidnapping, traffic diverting, rocket launching plot to get captured by Batman, which relies on stuff like the Batmobile happening to have a motorcycle hidden inside of it and a successful cell phone bomb surgery. Guy from Skyfall is also there, figuring out how to predict the exact moment Q will upload his virus to the MI6 network down to the split second so he can time his escape to crash that train into buck.
The T-Rex is there too, roller skating around with Cloverfield.
It's all related, I realized, as the glass of water shattered on the kitchen floor and on the bottom of one of the pieces of glass, it said It's one of the most famous plot twists in movie history, it won the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, and it makes no f***ing sense. The greatest criminal mastermind on the planet is, first of all, mind-blowing method actor, but secondly, a terrible criminal mastermind. He spent the few hours it took his lawyer to post bail voluntarily dropping so many self-incriminating clues that a detective who's not very bright takes about a minute and a half to figure out who he was. The whole reason he emerged from the shadowy underworld was to kill the only guy who knew what he looked like, and while he's there, he makes sure the police can get the same information just by turning around and looking at all this stuff in his office. Fine, second most famous twist ending of the past 20 years. Bruce Willis, spoiler alert, is a ghost.
That's why his wife wouldn't talk to him. He thought it was because she was mad at him for getting shot in the stomach for some reason, but it was really because she doesn't see dead people. We're too busy thinking in exclamation points. We never stop to ask why he thought nobody else was talking to him. What was the conversation like when Bruce Willis is sitting alone in a room with Cole's mom?
Also, who hired him? Did he just walk up to kids in churches and start dulling out psychological advice?
Nothing that happens in Star Wars up to that point makes any sense if that's true. Luke was living on Darth Vader's home planet with Darth Vader's real last name? Why didn't Vader care about harnessing those sweet, force-soaked Skywalker jeans before this sword fight? How do we want Kenobi? He managed to hide from Vader for 20 years by posing as Ben Kenobi, the guy living down the road from Darth Vader's relatives on Darth Vader's home planet. Because Darth Vader doesn't mean Dark Father or George Lucas just made that shit up. He had no idea Darth Vader was Luke's father until he wrote the end of the movie.
And because movies are written in the same order we watch them in, so they don't have to make sense in reverse order. But mostly because we don't judge movies by how smart they are or whether they make sense. The only thing that matters is that they're the right kind of stupid. Plot twist.
You burned. I'm rapping to support the comedy that we make. And I'm gonna do it in. Only one take. One take. Swain. That's my name. Rap.
It's not true. That's impossible. |
CrackerMilk | our_fans_choose_our_ideas_crackermilk_podcast | okay sniff it all hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker podcast what is our first improv suggestion internet oh i just i just you're at the factory that makes your new merch and you're inspecting it we're at the crack milk merchandise factory and this one was sent in by jim jim merch just so you know we haven't we've done all of these before uh we've put these out so there's no comments for us to read have we have we done any with the velociraptor like that one that one that we released that hasn't come out that hasn't come out yet nah well do you watch cracker book videos yeah i just don't remember what's online online or not yeah yeah i mean it's like it's a little bit early yeah sorry just cough after me you 5k run oh yeah anyway come on here let me show you what's going on in here last season you guys sent me the designs i get these small porterican fellows here to uh do them up for me which is quite weird we're in new zealand that's a lot of the thing is with these guys uh uh they they will tell the authorities they are legally adults which is good for us business you know what i'm saying this video is brought to our friends skillshare that was not it this video is brought to you by our friends over skillshare skillshare is an online community where say it again skillshare is an online community skillshare is an online learning community with tons of classes that anyone can join i was obsessed with indoor plants when i moved into my apartment because i realized no woman would touch me with this decor once i learned to maintain indoor plants and create a lush environment women still won't come near me but my house looks much better when you join skillshare's ad free and there's new premium classes added every single week baby and on top of that it's now available in portuguese german spanish and france what's that the first 1000 people that click the link in the description will get a free month of skillshare oh count me in thanks skillshare you're awesome the skillshare dance oh yeah what was your name there uh mister you seem a little bit i'm a woman sorry what's your name there miss melanin melanin miss melanin short for melatonin sorry that's my cough from running oh you've just done a big run have you i'm a very athletic woman are you compensating by for being athletic by smoking those um cigars this is a full cuban cigar it measures out to three feet long i get them imported by these small puerto rican boys and i smoke them as if they are cigarettes so the puerto rican boys go on a boat yeah to cuba yeah and then they go from cuba yeah to new zealand where our our merch warehouse is operated yeah and then you get those boys to bring it over to australia yeah yeah well no no that's costing us a lot of money for you saying it's cheap labor easy there tiger i think i know a thing or two about brand bordorican fellas okay there's no money involved in this process how are you paying them anyway let's move on here i want to talk to you guys about some future designs yeah yeah please i'll be great i've got some um sketches here for you you want to have a look at no worries you're a fucking hot piece of ass by the way i've been barren i've been barren for 30 years but i can feel my eggs growing back and i'm ready for you to enter my cloaca all right what's your designs so you know in that dominoes video where elias oh well i'll tell you what happens in it elias nothing gay right no no so i'm fine with that i'm fine with it but nothing gay right no no so it's it's in the eye gayness is in the eye of the beholder so elias is playing with some dominoes and he does a rube goldberg machine thing in the in the in the dildo goes in his bottom now at the point that that happens we have a screenshot right we digitally alter the image so that are you familiar with goatsey um yes yes it's my husband yeah you're oh you could wear the wedding ring there of course right yeah yeah um if you're unsure what goatsey is i suggest you google it don't google it sorry so um what we do is we digitally alter goatsey's hands pulling apart uh elias's asshole and that's you know that that then that hole is my husband getting royalties from this when you guys are talking about that shit with the bare ass the eggs were fucking ready to cry beautiful place to lay the yolk is leaking out oh what female anatomy too much for you boys huh i don't think that's in the female anatomy what are you planning on doing with that yolk and i shoved it in my cock uh your three boys picking up uniforms before school at the uniform store okay um that was submitted by white fox it looks like yeah that one was submitted by actually long time listener tom cruise hey guys i'm here at the uh i'm just talking to my friends you guys are my friends i'm here at the uh yeah just gotta clarify sometimes with my friends i know that they're my friends so i'm at the uniform shop yeah yeah and i um i've been kept back a few years um i much my i've been wearing the same uniform since grade eight and it doesn't fit me anymore how old are you now i'm 26 so 13 years you've been wearing the same uniform yeah it's actually sitting above your breasts yeah it's about it's just covering the neck barely my dick is on display constantly i understand yeah how old are you can't sorry how old are you son nine nine yeah yeah i'm uh 14 so i'm in a pretty actually pretty cool i'm actually like in the middle of puberty but i'm also like incredibly horny all the time i actually wanked three times um in the shower and that was not enough and to simulate the touch of a woman i stuck my cock in my pillow and fuck that so i've uh ejaculated three four times this morning by the force it felt like uh there were pins coming out of my penis yeah it was incredibly tender and now when i pee it feels like pain just but again once again i'm 14 so my hormones are just simply all over the place yeah me too my hormones are going crazy right now so i um i had a similar experience last week where i did also have make love to a pillow um i didn't have any lubricant because i i haven't i'm not old enough to go to shops yet yeah um and uh so i just used what i had on hand which was uh hand soap uh but like the liquid soap so just put soap in the hole that's that's a uti and uh i i have burned my the my dick hole you are old enough to go to the store and you don't really probably shouldn't be fun mom doesn't let me it's just a little weirder when you talk about it because you're an adult man with your cock on display in his well actually like we're actually young children why is it like i mean i'm actually in grade eight thank you i'm not six anymore i'm why do you keep getting kept down um i keep going to jail pretty sure i can hear the cops on the right i don't like that you're dating my friend jenny yeah jenny she's pretty she's actually pretty mature she's actually pretty mature for her age so it's like this would be really creepy but thankfully you're still in school yeah so like thank you for hooking me up with her again i didn't do that i don't know maybe how we gave you that sunny boy to pat you off no so now you're complicit actually what yeah yeah there's the cops are coming don't tell the cops about it guys did you know um i'm actually needing to get a new uniform because i got into a fight and i bashed a guy with bradley yeah and bradley's ball i got all over my shirt he's what blood and i have to get new shit now because i'm such a hard cunt that's actually really fucked up man wow as a senior like grade eight kid yeah man that's sick yeah so what really happened was bradley beat me up and made me shit myself so now i'm here so that blood's your own blood yeah yeah yeah so also from the shit yeah beat me up he punched me in my bum hole oh and he bled and then he smeared it on my shirt and said bum blood bum blood now i'm kind of here covered in shit and should probably go to the doctor's office no i think i just need new school shoes so you've done a lot of volleys could you put your cock away by the way yeah should we get these uniforms the uniform that i have i instantly put it in the um dryer and it got too big for me oh it got yeah it's really buggy i had a reverse cycle and it's massive yeah wait you ever seen curious case of benjamin buttons because you look dead set like that is that the sequel yeah plural i don't know what you're talking about man well i've seen that movie and to be real you kind of look like benjamin buttons when he was an old ugly baby yeah oh do you mean like when is he um like a young old man no he's an old guy but he's young but he's young yeah but are you talking about like the earlier version of his life when he was born or when he was dying he's talking about when he's old yeah when he's young yeah yeah yeah yeah that's me are we on the same actually like 76 yeah yeah in like the normal ish terms but i'm actually nine also in dog years yeah yeah that's really creepy of you to be in school in such a young grade when you're older are you dating one of the girls too bet he's dating a grade four girl that's disgusting you're dating a grade four chick are you i bet you're paying off kids with sunny boys as well you're paying off other kids with sunny boys so they tell the teacher you're in trouble can't we show us a picture of your girl show us the polaroid of your girl man just trust me brother what are you gonna do with it i just want to have a look at her man oh show him the girl come on don't show him don't show it to him will you give me a look at that i'm in grade eight it's okay she's fucking 85 years old can't look at her that's an old woman that's a lot of wrinkles the younger i get are you telling me the power to benjamin button is by having sex with old women you're sucking that age uses the age to reverse himself that's i may be saying that i might not be let's just say susan here isn't going to be living very much longer the goal is to finally get young enough to then re-enter the womb you just want to be up there yeah stay out there stay out there forever yeah what happens in nine months like do you get popped out again you gotta restart no one's ever done that before i think i've become enlightened you're the first benjamin buttons to do it yeah what could you go even further up you fucking you go from womb he becomes a little sperm a little sperm yeah i go back up my dad's dick this photo yeah this hot wrinkly old woman baby don't say fucking bitch whatever you're gonna say that's that's the uniform shop lady that's why we haven't got our uniforms yet no yeah she's sucking the life out of her she's dead on the floor in there we're never gonna get our uniform i'm gonna call my dad on fortnight and let him know and because you can't i'm gonna call my grateful girlfriend and consoling her i'm gonna suck the life force old lady give us a suggestion there's a huge pot plant sale and you're a bunch of single single moms soccer moms for a bunch of soccer moms fighting over the last plant at the plant sale get the fuck back excuse me don't that is my posos excuse me i don't i i'd appreciate it if you didn't raise your voice around my son tyson excuse me that little runt is your son i'm sorry did you just call my son a runt yes i did call that runt a runt he has down syndrome and i stand by my comment because my ego is the size of the moon tell you what this is my plant and i'm taking it to the checkout no i had it first then why am i holding it why your arms crossed what's in your hands nothing show us your hands nothing is in my hands fine take your pothos nothing i'm gonna go now show us what's in your hands tell us what's in your hands right now he's got tyson put down my down syndrome son he's mine now no you can't just take him like that it's not how it works well you took my pothos so i take your son that's not a fair trade i think that's it in the rules of soccer mom law that is allowed that's a legal maneuver did i have a voice before just wait till my brad is about what you've done today oh denied a soccer mom her right to steal another child's woman's child i've seen you steal i've seen you tyson wasn't your first son wasn't tyson is is japanese so it is very clear that he's not mine of course not your son he's in her hands right so now it's your son according to law that is the rules well according to soccer mom law okay i fucked your husband last week and that's legally binding i know i was there what i was there where in the room you got me to watch no i didn't that's an illegal maneuver you're not allowed to watch that's not soccer mom law cut queening is an illegal maneuver cut queening is illegal maneuver in soccer an illegal maneuver that's what i said snotty bitch i don't care all i want is tyson well you're not allowed to have tyson ladies we'll settle this in a court of soccer law okay fine you uh what's your name my name is well sue you're here today on account of cuck weaning your honor i just have one thing to say this woman is a massive bitch and when all the moms excuse me in soccer mom law that's a legal maneuver i just like to clarify legal maneuver anyway this massive bitch when we go out for our um morning lunch times with all the infants and like everyone brings like a uh platter um you know which is always really fun and unfortunately sue doth not bring anything sue comes takes a bunch of kids but worst of all takes my fucking finger sandwiches i know what you're thinking these sandwiches with salami and cheese are simply sandwiches with packet salami and packet cheese but that cheese is from the section at cole's that's next to the deli it's the nicer cheese and you know that it's higher quality because higher price yes it's very expensive sue you have stolen what you knew to be higher quality cheese because you could see the higher price what do you say to this because i took these children i am entitled to free food because how else am i going to feed these children according to soccer mom law that is a legal maneuver she who has the kids gets the dids and in soccer mom slang dids means food soccer mom language and law it's very complex now we executed a man by hanging last week for not opening the door for janet when she had her kids and a handful yes it was a great display according to soccer mom law that's what we had to do you we hung that man yes yes in front of everyone yes janet just dropped her things and hung that man yes but who's around us rich people very true and it was a legal maneuver by janet janet if we go where the pours are they won't know that's a legal maneuver i will i will continue to say pause as a judge i can do that that is not okay i like to call them hooves why do you like hooves well it's like in pause right it's like on little acute animals but things with hooves according to soccer law soccer mom law your honor bestiality is illegal your honor this woman that is an illegal maneuver massive bitch thanks for listening to another episode of the cracker milk podcast if you want to sit if you want to listen to the full version of this which will probably go for about 40 to 50 minutes you can check it out on our patreon there's a lot of stuff we cannot put uh in the youtube cut and you will see it there can we even put it in that cut yeah it's bleeping uh improv we want to do or things we should uh fix about our facial blemishes then let us know because we're all actually really into skincare or what your favorite bike is i like huffy i haven't slept in four days i also like huffy yeah so tell us what is your favorite bike mong are you are you a mongoose or a huffy i like mongoose because um i was razor but mongoose remind me of halo 3 mongoose cut the camera i had a huffy bike oh i don't know if it's gone down or the earth's like rotated up and then we're like kind of like no that's an issue but but the so just on that point the earth's always been flat yeah i mean obviously yeah it's probably not done yeah well because it can't turn if it's like anything else other than like flat right because you can't say the earth has gone up yeah it has because like we were flying like this and then it's like gone like this rapidly expanding yeah rapidly expanding like i don't know if the earth is like the earth is 4 000 years old and god made it so how could rapidly how could i have a voice before just wait till my brad is about what you've done today oh denied a soccer mom her right to steal another child's woman's child i've seen you steal i've seen you tyson wasn't your first son was it tyson is is japanese so it is very clear that he's not mine of course not your son he's in her hands right so now it's your son according to soccer mom law that is the rules well according to soccer mom law okay i fucked your husband last week and that's legally binding i know i was there what i was there where in the room you got me to watch no i didn't that's an illegal maneuver you're not allowed to watch that's not soccer mom law cut queening is an illegal maneuver cut queening is illegal maneuver in soccer an illegal maneuver that's what i said snotty bitch i don't care all i want is tyson well you're not allowed to have tyson ladies yeah it's actually sitting above your breasts yeah it's about it's just covering the neck barely my dick is on display constantly yeah yeah how old are you can't sorry how old are you son nine nine yeah yeah i'm uh 14 so i'm actually pretty cool i'm actually like in the middle of puberty but i'm also like incredibly horny all the time i actually wanked three times um in the shower and that was not enough and to simulate the touch of a woman i stuck my cock in my pillow and fuck that so i've uh ejaculated three times four times this morning by the force it felt like uh there were pins coming out of my penis yeah it was incredibly tender and now when i pee it feels like pain just but again once again i'm 14 so my hormones are just simply all over the place yeah me too my hormones are going crazy right now so i um i had a similar experience last week where i did also have make love to a pillow um i didn't have any lubricant because i i haven't i'm not old enough to go to the shops yet yeah um and uh so i just used what i had on hand which was uh hand soap uh but like the liquid soap so i just put soap in the hole that's that's a uti and uh i i have burned my my dick hole you are old enough to go to the store and you don't probably shouldn't be fun mom doesn't let me it's just a little weirder when you talk about it because you're an adult man with your cock on display and actually like we're actually young children why isn't like i mean i'm actually in grade eight thank you anymore i'm getting kept down um i keep going to jail pretty sure i can hear the cops on the right i don't like that you're dating my friend jenny yeah jenny she's pretty she's actually pretty mature she's actually pretty mature for her age so it's like this would be really creepy but thankfully you're still in school yeah so like thank you for hooking me up with her again i didn't do that thank you for facilitating that oh no i don't even know maybe how we gave you that sunny boy to pat you off so now you're complicit actually what yeah yeah there's the cops are coming don't tell the cops about it guys did you know jenny's okay i'm actually needing to get a new uniform because i got into a fight and i bashed a guy with bradley yeah and bradley's ball i got all over my shirt he's what blood and i have to get new shit now because i'm such a hard cunt that's actually really fucked up wow i was just seeing you like grade eight kid yeah man that's sick yeah so what really happened was bradley beat me up and made me shit myself so now i'm here so that blood's your own blood yeah yeah yeah so also from the shit beat me up he punched me in my bum hole oh and he bled and then he smeared it on my shirt and said bum blood bum blood now i'm kind of here covered in shit and you probably go to the doctor's office no i think i just need new school shoes since you've done a lot of volleys could you put your cock away by the way yeah should we get these uniforms the uniform that i have i instantly put it in the um dryer and it got too big for me oh it got yeah it's really buggy i had a reverse cycle and it's massive yeah oh you ever seen curious case of benjamin buttons because you look dead set like that is that the sequel yeah plural i don't know what you're talking about man well i've seen that movie and to be real you kind of look like ben my name is well sue you're here today on account of cuck weaning your honor i just have one thing to say this woman's a massive bitch and when all the moms excuse me in soccer mom law that's a legal maneuver i just like to clarify legal maneuver anyway this massive bitch when we go out for our um morning lunch times with all the infants and like everyone brings like a platter um you know which is always really fun and unfortunately sue doth not bring anything sue comes takes a bunch of kids but worst of all it takes my fucking finger sandwiches i know what you're thinking these sandwiches with salami and cheese are simply sandwiches with packet salami and packet cheese but that cheese is from the section at cole's that's next to the deli it's the nicer cheese and you know that it's higher quality because higher price yes it's very expensive sue you have stolen what you knew to be higher quality cheese because you could see the higher price what do you say to this because i took these children i am entitled to free food because how else am i going to feed these children according to soccer mom law that is a legal maneuver she who has the kids gets the dids and in soccer mom slang dids means food soccer mom language and law is very complex executed a man by hanging last week for not opening the door for janet when she had her kids and her hands yes it was a great display according to soccer mom law that's what we had to do you hung that man yes yes in front of everyone yes run janet just dropped it oh do you mean like when is he um like a young old man no he's an old guy but he's young everybody's young yeah but are you talking about like the earlier version of his life when he was born or when he was dying he's talking about when he's old yeah which is when he's young yeah yeah yeah yeah that's me so i'm actually like 76 yeah yeah in like normal ish terms but i'm actually nine also in dog years yeah yeah that's really creepy of you to be in school in such a young grade when you're older that is a school no it's really it's a lot that's disgusting it's a bit p-word are you are you dating one of the girls too but he's dating a great full girl that's disgusting you're dating a grade four chick are you i bet you're paying off kids with sunny boys as well you're paying off other kids with sunny boys so they don't tell the teacher you're in trouble can't we show us a picture of your girl show us the polaroid girl man just trust me brother what are you going to do with it i just want to have a look at her man oh show him the girl man come on don't show him don't show it to him will you give me a look at that i'm in great a it's okay she's fucking 85 years old can't look at her that's an old woman that's a lot of wrinkles the older they are the younger i get are you telling me the power to benjamin button is by having sex with old women you're sucking that age this is the age to reverse himself that's i may be saying that i might not be let's just say susan here isn't going to be living very much longer the goal is to finally get young enough to then re-enter the womb you just want to be up there yeah stay out there forever yeah what happens in nine months like do you get popped out again you gotta restart no one's ever done that before i think i've become enlightened you're the first benjamin buttons to do it yeah what if could you go even further up you fucking you go from he becomes a little sperm a little spoon yeah that go back up my dad's dick this photo yeah this hot wrinkly old woman baby same fucking bitch whatever you're gonna say that's that's the uniform shop lady that's why we haven't got our uniforms yet no yeah she's sucking the life out of her she's dead on the floor in there we're never gonna get our uniform i'm gonna call my dad on fortnite and let him know and because you can't i'm gonna call my grateful girlfriend and consoling her i'm gonna suck the life out of this old lady what's a suggestion there's a huge pot plant sale and you're a bunch of single single moms soccer moms for a bunch of soccer moms fighting over the last plant at the plant sale get the fuck back excuse me don't that is my posos excuse me i don't i i'd appreciate it if you didn't raise your voice around my son tyson excuse me that little runt is your son i'm sorry did you just call my son a runt yes i did call that runt a runt he has down syndrome and i stand by my comment because my ego is the size of the moon i'll tell you what this is my plant and i'm taking it to the checkout no i had it first then why am i holding it why your arms crossed what's in your hands nothing show us your hands what's in there nothing is in my hands fine take your pothos and what's in your hand nothing i'm gonna go now show us what's in your hands tell us what's in your hands right now he's got tyson put down my down syndrome son he's mine now no you can't just take him like that it's not how it works well you took my pothos so i take your son that's not a fair trade i think that's it in the rules of soccer mom law that is allowed that's a legal maneuver did i have a voice before just wait till my brad is about what you've done today denied a soccer mom her right to steal another child's woman's child i've seen you steal i've seen you since tyson wasn't your first son was it's japanese so it is very clear that he's not mine of course not your son he's in her hands right so now it's your son according to soccer mom law that is the rules well according to soccer mom law okay i fucked your husband last week and that's legally binding i know i was there what i was there where in the room you got me to watch no i didn't that's an illegal maneuver you're not allowed to watch that's not soccer mom law cock weaning is an illegal maneuver cock weaning is a legal maneuver in soccer an illegal maneuver that's what i said snotty bitch i don't care all i want is tyson well you're not allowed to have tyson ladies will settle this in a court of soccer long that man yes but who's around us rich people very true and it was a legal maneuver by janet janet if we go where the paws are they won't know that's a legal maneuver i will i will continue to say pause as a judge i can do that that is not okay i like to call them hooves why do you like hooves well it's like in paws right so they go on little acute animals but things with hooves according to soccer law soccer mom law bestiality is illegal your honor this woman that is an illegal maneuver massive bitch thanks for listening to another episode of the cracker milk podcast if you want to sit if you want to listen to the full version of this which will probably go for about 40 to 50 minutes you can check it out on our patreon there's a lot of stuff we cannot put and you will see it there can we even put it in that cut yeah it's bleep for uh improv we want to do or things we should uh fix about our facial blemishes then let us know because we're all actually really into skincare or what your favorite bike is i like huffy i haven't slept in four days i also like huffy yeah so tell us what is your favorite bike mong are you are you a mongoose or a huffy i like mongoose because um but mongoose remind me of halo 3 mongoose cut the camera i had a huffy bike oh i don't know if it's gone down or the earth's like rotated up and then we're like kind of like so just on that point that's always been flat yeah i mean obviously yeah it's probably not done yeah well because it can't turn if it's like anything else other than like flat right because you can't say the earth has gone oh yeah so because like we're flying like this and then it's like gone like this it's rapidly expanding yeah rapidly expanding like i don't know if the earth is like the earth is 4 000 years old and god made it so how could rapidly how could i've seen you still my name is um well sue you're here today on account of cock weaning your honor i just have one thing to say this woman's a massive bitch and when all the moms excuse me in soccer mom law that's a legal maneuver i just like to clarify legal maneuver anyway this massive bitch when we go out for our um morning lunch times with all the infants and like everyone brings like a platter um you know which is always really fun and unfortunately sue doth not bring anything sue comes takes a bunch of kids but worst of all it takes my fucking finger sandwiches i know what you're thinking these sandwiches with salami and cheese are simply sandwiches with packet salami and packet cheese but that cheese is from the section at cole's that's next to the deli it's the nicer cheese and you know that it's higher quality because higher price yes it's very expensive sue you have stolen what you knew to be higher quality cheese because you could see the higher price what do you say to this because i took these children i am entitled to free food because how else am i going to feed these children according to soccer mom law that is a legal maneuver she who has the kids gets the dids and in soccer mom slang dids means food soccer mom language and law is it's very complex executed a man by hanging last week for not opening the door for janet when she had her kids and a handful yes it was a great display according to soccer mom law that's what we had to do you we hung that man yes yes in front of everyone yes run janet just dropped her thing of course not your son he's in her hands right so now it's your son according to soccer mom law that is the rules well according to soccer mom law okay i fucked your husband last week and that's legally binding i know i was there what i was there where in the room you got me to watch no i didn't that's an illegal maneuver you're not allowed to watch that's not soccer mom law cock weaning is an illegal maneuver cock weaning is illegal maneuver in soccer an illegal maneuver that's what i said snotty bitch i don't care all i want is tyson well you're not allowed to have tyson ladies we'll settle this in a court of soccer law okay fine you uh what's your name my name is um i think to say this woman's a massive bitch and when all the moms excuse me in soccer mom law that's a legal maneuver i just like to clarify legal maneuver anyway this massive bitch when we go out for our um morning lunch times with all the infants and like everyone brings like a platter um you know which is always really fun and unfortunately sue doth not bring anything sue comes takes a bunch of kids but worst of all takes my fucking finger sandwiches i know what you're thinking these sandwiches with salami and cheese are simply sandwiches with packet salami and packet cheese but that cheese is from the section at cole's that's next to the deli it's the nicer cheese and you know that it's higher quality because higher price yes it's very expensive sue you've stolen what you knew to be higher quality cheese because you could see the higher price what do you say to this because i took these children i am entitled to free food because how else am i going to feed these children according to soccer mom law that is a legal maneuver gets the dids and in soccer mom slang dids means food soccer mom language and it's very complex executed a man by hanging last week for not opening the door for janet when she had her kids in a handful yes it was a great display according to soccer mom law that's what we had to do you hung that man yes yes in front of everyone yes janet just dropped her things and hung that man yes but who's around us rich people very true and it was a legal maneuver by janet janet if we go where the pours are they won't know that's a legal maneuver i will i will continue to say pause as a judge i can do that that is not okay i like to call them hooves why do you like hooves well it's like in pause right so they go on little acute animals but things with hooves according to soccer law soccer mom law your honor bestiality is illegal your honor this woman that is an illegal maneuver massive bitch thanks for listening to another episode of the cracker milk podcast if you want to sit if you want to listen to the full version of this which will probably go for about 40 to 50 minutes you can check it out on our patreon there's a lot of stuff we cannot put uh and you'll see it there can we even put it in that cut yeah it's bleep for uh improv we want to do or things we should uh fix about our facial blemishes then let us know because we're all actually really into skincare or what your favorite bike is i like huffy i haven't slept in four days i also like huffy yeah so tell us what is your favorite bike mong are you are you a mongoose or a huffy i like mongoose because um but mongoose remind me of halo 3 mongoose cut the camera i had a huffy bike oh i don't know if it's gone down or the earth's like rotated up and then we're like kind of like no that's an issue but but the so just on that point that's always been flat i mean obviously yeah it's probably not dumb yeah well because it can't turn if it's like anything else other than like flat right because you can't say the earth has gone uh yeah it has because like we're flying like this and then it's like gone like this rapidly expanding yeah rapidly expanding like i don't know if the earth is like the earth is 4 000 years old and god made it so how could rapidly how could they won't know that's a legal maneuver i will i will continue to say pause as a judge i can do that that is not okay i like to call them hooves why do you like hooves well it's like in pause right so they go on little acute animals but things with hooves according to soccer law soccer mom law your honor bestiality is illegal your honor this woman that is an illegal maneuver massive bitch thanks for listening to another episode of the cracker milk podcast if you want to sit if you want to listen to the full version of this which will probably go for about 40 to 50 minutes you can check it out on our patreon there's a lot of stuff we cannot put and you will see it there can we even put it in that cut yeah it's bleeping uh improv we want to do or things we should uh fix about our facial blemishes then let us know because we're all actually really into skincare or what your favorite bike is i like huffy i haven't slept in four days i also like huffy yeah so tell us what is your favorite bike mong are you are you a mongoose or a huffy i like mongoose because um i was razor bro shut the fuck up but mongoose remind me of halo 3 mongoose cut the camera i had a huffy bike oh i don't know if it's gone down or the earth's like rotated up and then we're like kind of like so just on that point the earth's always been flat yeah i mean obviously yeah it's probably not done yeah well because it can't turn if it's like anything else other than like flat right because you can't say the earth has gone oh yeah so because like we're flying like this and then it's like going like this rapidly expanding yeah rapidly expanding like i don't know if the earth is like the earth is 4 000 years old and god made it so how could it rapidly how could it |
TheOnion | 12_Year_Old_Boy_Scouts_Offer_To_Give_Breast_Exams | All right, well while I'm getting this spray cheese up off the floor Tracy's gonna be talking to two special young men Who are really making a difference in their community? Thanks, Jim I'm sitting here right now with two very special Boy Scouts Zach Hannaford and Brian Seitz of troop 128 in Whitehall, New York They've decided to take on the challenge of promoting the early detection of breast cancer Wow guys, thanks so much for joining us. Tell me everything about your project Well in order to get our Eagle Scout badge We need to do a community service project and we talked it over and we thought that we'd do Help women do their breast exams.
Wow. Now you must have done a lot of research All over the internet. Yeah, I'm great websites. I think we're seeing some of them now. Oh, yeah, these are really good Yeah, the information can be pretty confusing though. So woman shows ask us for help. Definitely You've even put together your own website.
Is that right? Yeah, my older brother Ted's our advisor and he knows how to put together Website, so he helped us put our own and list your phone number So that's a good way for people to get in contact with you, right? They can call us and we'll go to their house anytime. Well, so how's your program going to work? I mean, where do you plan to do these exams? Oh, well, I think we're probably gonna do them in my basement Well, it's not his basements not really like a basement basement.
It has a carpet and So it's finished Well, I've been told that the key to a good self breast examination is making them a regular part of your normal routine Right, and that way you get to know your breasts and and can recognize any changes now I like to do mine when I'm in the shower. Yeah, okay, but I understand you can also lie on your bed Yeah, yeah, definitely. Uh-huh. I am kind of worried about my own technique though Can you show us how to do a good breast exam? Oh Well you first, you know, you kind of have to like look around and like feel for the Long long. I imagine you have to disrobe. Yeah Yeah, and then you've got to like you got to like feel for the bump if there is one And it goes circles. Yeah. Okay, so there are different techniques then is that right Brian? Yeah, you gotta squeeze a nipple to make sure it doesn't feel irregular and nipple to make sure Yeah, yeah, you should come over we can teach you how to do it sign me up boys Thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing this Oh, yeah We're really focusing on younger woman because you know older woman know know most of the stuff already What an excellent point coming up next we'll visit our third Kenyan this week. Thank you so much for being here |
SaturdayNightLive | prom_album_saturday_night_live | Ah, it's so great seeing you guys. We've been talking about this forever. I'm glad we finally got our schedules together.
All right, here's some brews to make it for the money. I just want all of you suckers disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes.
You know, I think this was the first song I ever learned on guitar and my grandpa taught me how to play it. Oh, yeah, yeah. yeah. yeah. Music was a real bond between us. You know, he bought my first turntable, gave me his entire record collection after he passed away. I got a lot of great memories of just sitting around listening to albums with them. You know, I'm always, always, always with you man. No, no, I know, I know. Especially since I carry his ashes around with me in this Jamba juice cup.
It's a wild world. It's hard to get by just upon a smile. Why is there a straw in there so he can breathe?
Always remember you. You know? the song reminds me of my dad. Yeah, boys that are ups and downs. Certainly no angel, but he's my dad, You know, Aren't you guys estranged and we haven't seen each other in years?
Feel terrible about it? It's only recently I found out where he was living. I had you call him. I tried, but by the time I found his number of several navy seals that killed him and thrown his body in the ocean, it's hard to get by.
Just Upon A smile. I did inherit his sweet porn collection. Always remember you. You know one of my patients was humming this song the other day, oh, yeah, how is it being a doctor? I love it. You know, I feel like I'm really helping people.
I give them their yearly checkup. The only thing they don't like is that prostate exam, you know, and I got to put my finger up there. It's a little awkward and uncomfortable for them, but you know, you got to get your prostate checked.
Yeah, prevention is everything. Yeah, I just hope none of my lady patients find out they don't have one. Now you're a dentist, right? That is correct.
You guys know how I like to dress up in a full scuba suit and then hide in the bottom of Porta-potties and take pictures, right. Yeah, it's just who I am. I even put together a coffee table book called Porta-pottie Hotties of you from below?
No, I never published it. I just made one copy. Well, I don't have it anymore. I gave it away.
Best mother's day present I ever gave. Baby, baby, it's a wild world. It is so great to be here.
I really need are you ready to make the Human Centipede? This is so dumb. |
SaturdayNightLive | david_pumpkins_returns_snl | Finally, I can't believe we had to wait an hour and a half for our stupid ride. I can.
Cell Block 666 is supposed to be the scariest ride in Fright Night's history. Yeah, there's all these tiktoks of people passing out and puking and stuff. if I pass out, don't help me. film it. and post it. please.
Hello! And welcome to Cell Block 666 right this way.
Oh, My. God.
I'm already scared. you are about to embark on a terrifying tour of this petrifying prison, where each cell holds iconic frights from the Silver Scream. let the tour begin! we are approaching our first stop. time to meet the sinmates. Open Cell 600! Run! Yo, Michael Myers just made me low-key jump. This ride's awesome. only time will hell. the next cell is upon us. Open Cell 661! my name is Annabelle. can you play with- no, I can't with that little bitch. Yo, I really might pass out for real. Have your phones ready. you'll never be ready for the horror that you'll find in Cell 662! And I'm gonna scare you, stupid!
Me! Me! me! me! me! me! me! Me!
Any questions? are you shaking in your boots?
No, I've seen like every horror movie ever and none of them had David Pumpkins in it. True, but I was kind of feeling David Pumpkins though.
Nice change of pace, silence, A new terror awaits. Open Cell 663 Yeah, see Pennywise makes sense because he was in a horror movie babe, it's just a ride.
I just want it to be consistent.
The next sinmate is dying to meet you. Open Cell 664 Who are you?
David Pumpkins from Before? I think he just wants to know what your deal is like. Annabelle is a possessed. All David Pumpkins is taking it one day at a time and the skeletons are next to him. Watch this.
Oh David S. Pumpkins. where am I from? he's from Spain. He doesn't even have an accent. yo, he said he was from there. Doesn't mean he grew up there. let him write his own story.
Taking David Pumpkins side. dude. David S. Pumpkins, babe. Our next stop is dead ahead. Open Cell 665 The star of your nightmares is David Pumpkin. Oh yo, I didn't see David Pumpkins coming. Man, those fired. Why are you so on board with David Pumpkins? they just ignore him. I can't He's most of this ride sir, why is there so much David Pumpkins in this?
Now set it up. We hear the infamous Cell 6 6 6. Okay, why is it just you guys? Now don't worry about it.
Yummy Happy Halloween from us! |
SaturdayNightLive | exercise_commercial_saturday_night_live | The following is a paid advertisement. Hey, dummies, you want to get fit, get in shape, get toned, get fit? You need Go-tex flex with thumb pulse. come on! Hey, Winota. hi. how are you doing? hi. what are you doing there? working out on a Go-tex with thumb pulse. let me explain thumb pulse to you guys and anyone else who's listening. thumb pulse are these things connected to her thumbs. they monitor her pulse. so I don't get over-breath through two heart beating. Well, I didn't know you could stand up in the machine. I did. other machines are complicated, bulky, expensive, and dangerously dumb. not this one, though. with Go-tex Flex, it's easy to get the body you want. just four minutes, three times a day. six days a week, 23 days a month, four years a lifetime. and you'll be the. you'll get ready! that's a thumb pulse alert. I'm over heart beating. take a break. good work out.
Here's the towel. If you order right now, we'll not only send you what you bought, but we'll also let you guess whether Winota and I are girlfriend and boyfriend, or brother and sister, or cousin and child. right, Winota? blinds in an hour? that's a commercial you saw. this is one that you're in. you can have it all, everywhere inside of us. I don't feel right. Here. have some Honey Kiln. Thanks. this is real messy.
So order now, and I'll personally put a pair of my own short shorts in the box. I'll put them right on top so it's the first thing you see. No, you won't. I'll try. So order now, or later today if you can't do it right now, because. wow!
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TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Reese_Bros | And this week we are talking to a couple of stars from the budding arena of TikTok. We've moved on from sporting and musical royalty to a couple of young princes from the world of socials. Yes, if you've been on Instagram or TikTok at a point in the last few months, you've likely seen today's guests who are a lovable couple of brothers from one of the enclaves on our coast. That's right. They are aptly named the Reese Brothers and they do humorous little skits and videos about everyday life and Australian culture, if you want to call it that. It's worth mentioning that there will be plenty of chat about social media and social media personality.
So if you're a real world operator who hates all that shit, then be forewarned.
And it's also worth mentioning that we spoke to them the night before the TikTok awards last week and that Wendell is absolutely steaming. He didn't launch into the four bucks for them to win the TikTok Comedy Creators of the Year.
You don't really want to talk about it.
Obviously happy for them. Good on them. They won. Stoked. Lovely guys.
My name is Wendell Hussey. I've got Effie Bateman with me here today.
And we're talking to some interesting guests, some notable guests, some guests that if you have Instagram or TikTok and you live in Australia, you will have 100% come across them. You'll likely laughed at them. They are a couple of lovable brothers from, I believe, the Gold Coast, but we're about to find out, Effie Bateman.
Today, we're talking to the Reese Brothers, notably Tom and Kel. Give us a bell, Tom, so the people at home know who they're talking to and listening to. Hey, guys, my name is Tom. I try and recognise my voice, but me and Kel speak pretty fucking similar. So yeah, we have that trouble. We're going to do that. Kel, obviously, if you didn't know, sounds like the same person, but see how these go. Now, thanks, boys, for dropping in.
You're on a bit of a whirlwind tour. I believe you're off to the TikTok Awards in Sydney tomorrow night.
Comedy Creators of the Year.
Yeah, that's right. That's it.
I don't know how we got there, but fucking see how it goes, hey? How do you reckon you'll go? I don't know.
There's a sports better, like, you know, you can bet on who the winner is.
Really? Yeah.
We got four bucks to our name, so it's not looking good. Yeah, we're the highest.
Who's the favourite?
Jimmy Reese. He's like a doll or something, and then Maddy McCray is in the middle somewhere, and then there's us. Yeah, she's like two bucks, maybe. Jimmy Reese is such a safe bet, isn't he?
Yeah. But surely, four bucks is pretty good. Have you loaded up on yourselves? I was saying it just at lunch before. I was like, you know what?
I might put 100 bucks on and hopefully pay for the trip sort of thing, but probably not. TikTok Awards. See how you go out a little bit extra there. I was chatting around today to see who knew who was winning. I said, can you tell us so I can put fucking a couple of grand on him?
Why did I always make some money?
Yeah, if it's Jimmy Reese, good luck to him. You're trying to have a couple of grand. Rather Jimmy Reese, if that's the case. Put the house on him. Reese Bros are four bucks there, not bad at all. Yeah.
How many awards are there? It's a big shindig down there in Sydney, or what's it called?
I think it's 10. Yeah, it could be 10, yeah, and there's about three, and you go between I think three and the highest has about seven or eight. He has a lot this year. I think last year he had three all together. So three to seven contestants in the category. And there's about, what did you say, 10? I swear there's 10.
I know that there's a sports one, there's comedy, there's best video of the year and you'll love this Wendell. It's the, I believe it's the frog, the guy who makes the houses for the frogs and the fits or a garage party.
Oh, absolutely. My vote is 100% Absolutely.
The most notable video of the year.
Just for their suffering. I think that they should win.
I was just saying to Jordan before, like, yeah, like you broke the fucking internet with that thing.
Yeah. It was worldwide. It was. Yeah.
I haven't seen any of the other vids. Like it was just like three vids.
It was, yeah. Maybe it's cause of our like aging, you know, that kind of thing. It's tailored to us more than the garage party. It felt like it was one of those moments for people who spend too much time on social media, like myself and Effie, you know, it was up there with a not bad, good size. One of those kinds of videos that just everyone saw and everyone remembered and enjoy. And if you haven't seen it and you're listening at home, go and get around it. It's very entertaining. Yeah.
They could have won. They probably did.
Put your money on broken. They're actually second too. So they're like $2 and 50 cents.
The guy who builds frog houses, he's number one. It's really cute though. And it's, he has like the frog and he has all these frogs visiting and he gets like, he starts building these huge, beautiful houses.
Yeah. I just wonder, like, I'm thinking more like, who's going to win? Like who's on the app? You know what I mean? Like who actually on the app voting? Like the frog, is he tailored to like, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like how many, you know what I mean?
Like I've said for us, Jimmy Reese, like maybe his audience. Cause surely you guys have a very young audience.
Yeah. They're more likely to vote, right? We hope so. Matty McRae has a very similar. Yeah. They all kind of do, I'd say in a way. Yeah. They're probably like a million followers on, on us, both of them, which is pretty wild, but yeah. Yeah. Another thing is we got our fucking account deleted like halfway through. It was crazy. Yeah. Well, we like the whole time.
So literally you can look at the stats behind the scenes and it's like the day that the thing went live, our views just dropped and it was cause all our videos were getting reported and they do like a shadow band thing where they don't post you to the four year page. So for like the whole month, it's just like this flat line. And then we had a meeting with them about it and they like hit this this switch, which literally like a couple of days later, the views just went like boom, just upright. And we got like 10 million views in two days or something. Just all the old videos started popping off and then like one bad video, boom, our accounts gone.
It was crazy. You can literally look at the stats. It's the weirdest thing ever.
What did they say was like set it off? The soldiers of Jimmy Ray's coming through and just reporting every single video. Don't put a hit out on the side. Take them down.
Dead Saturday.
There was a couple of videos we'd done where they'd just been like reported, like there's little things you can do on the app to get reported. I feel like cause the app's under so much like pressure at the moment cause it's, you know, the government in America and that kind of thing have almost banned it. So they're kind of trying really hard to be like the safe app.
Like there's a banana and it's like, oh, it's a penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.
It'll be driving and it'll be like dangerous activity. And it's like, we had a, we had a meeting with them and it says like, you can't distract the driver and it's so strict on like what that actually means.
Like if it's like looks at the camera slightly or something, it's like, boom, the video is gone. Yeah. I think the video that did take it down was we had like a water pistol and we put a gun sound effect over it and someone died. So obviously, you know, the algorithm thinks you murdered someone. I think you say something about the South China Sea as well.
You probably, you'll get taken down pretty quickly. Were you guys having withdrawals over those couple of days? When it was down, like you're not opening the app and it's like, you know, 3000 new comments. You're getting twitchy, not seeing the likes rolling in the comments.
I had to go down the street and get some attention. Someone tell me I'm funny. No, we actually weren't too bad because we kind of like in the back of our head knew that it would come out because we had this award coming.
Yeah. If we didn't, maybe yeah, it would have been wicking out. This is it. It's all over.
I heard though, someone messaged me and said, I know a guy that got my account back. You give him five grand and he gets your account back and he's like some full like, oh, I don't think a strategist or something like that, but he has his contact.
So dodgy. He's just side hustling. He's the one who flicked the button off and then he just turns it back on for you. You give him 5k and then you boom, he just blocks you.
Yeah, that's it. You said a little while ago about getting to 600k and going to the TikTok awards. Who would have thought? Where did it all start for you fellas? It feels like it's been a pretty big couple of years, maybe 12 months. Yeah, for sure.
It's interesting because I don't know, we're kind of just doing it for fun and we're kind of just like playing around with it a little bit. And I was doing like this vlog stuff because I just knew that TikTok was going to work. And then, oh, it just wasn't me. It was just like real weird. And then Kel was making all these like funny, just random videos as well. And then we're like, just started doing it like, you know, kind of consistently every day.
And then we'd have some that would just get like, you can still see it on our account. Some have got like 6 mil. Some have got like, and then you just go back and some of it like a thousand views.
It's like the weirdest thing ever. And then, yeah, one day we just looked at it and we're like, you know what, like, let's actually give it a red hot go. And that was pretty much like a year and two months ago. And we're just like, fuck it. We'll just have a red hot crack and just like, put like a lot of effort and a lot of time into it.
Were you working at the time? So basically I was doing, I was buying and selling furniture. So like, I was just like picking it up on marketplace, getting it home and then getting it delivered. And I was literally had so much time. Like I had literally an obnoxious amount of time. And yeah, I just finished like a plumbing apprenticeship and I was just trying to get out of that. And I started doing the furniture stuff still.
And we're still doing it to this day. Yeah, we still do it.
Still low balling dogs on the left.
250 bucks. I'll give you 50 mate.
You can pick it up in an hour. I'll be there in an hour.
Yes or no. Exactly what it is man. It's a hustle.
I feel like a cunt every day.
But yeah, it's how we pay the bills. It's hard at the moment, but we're literally living week to week at the moment. Because, you know, we're not making a lot of money off content and we're putting more time into content and to also start our own podcast. So like the last time we had to make actual money, it's been pretty tough.
Like it's scraping by and like people kind of see it from the outside. I see it like a, you know, 30, 40 second video. And like, Oh, that looks so easy to make. It looks fun.
But like behind the scenes, it's like Kel and I spending like almost a whole day on it, like making sure it's good. And then like doing a bit of podcast work in the arvo. And then from like literally not to like late at night, we're like flipping furniture. It's just like the biggest grind. And it's kind of, it's like that transitional period where it's like, you're coming from like your original job to then doing it content full time. So it's like, yeah, it's tough.
Does it look like the launch pad is nearly there? Like you're ready to go? Yeah, I'm kind of feeling, I guess like the awards is kind of like a, you know, like a good sign that we're heading in the right direction.
But yeah, we've kind of been holding off from like making too much money through it. Like we said before, off the mic, we don't really like to push things too much to our audience. And that's kind of how you make money, pushing like companies to them. And for us, this doesn't feel that authentic. So we only really take the jobs that are like super authentic or aren't as like forced or, you know, people won't get annoyed by, because it's like more about the audience than us making money at the moment.
And as a, were you, you were an apprentice at the time when you guys started rolling. Yeah. I imagine that might've drawn a bit of flack. A few comments from the boys on social. I was kind of sweet because we moved around a bit and all the guys that I work with were like, they just joked about it and said it like, you know, you look like a fucking dickhead. But now they love it. Now they DM me and say, oh, this is funny as fuck. Yeah, cheers, bro.
You didn't fucking see the vision at the time. I remember the day, like I'd fucking woke up at like six o'clock and Kells head off to work. So I'll see you later. And I'm just sitting there having brekkie and about seven o'clock hits and Kel comes walking through the door and like, oh, what happened?
And he goes, oh, I just got fired. I wasn't actually finished my apprenticeship at the time. And I had a mate live around the corner and he was going to sign me off. Yeah. And basically I just stopped taking shit from my boss at the time. I can get away with anything here cause I can get signed off. And then, yeah, he's had a bit of a verbal.
And I imagine that wouldn't have been the first time he asked you to do something you didn't want to do. Maybe it was back in the eighties. We would have been like, yeah, I would suck it up.
But in the old days, apprentices got privilege. And you boys Goldie born and raised or?
Nah. So we, um, grew up in a small town called Evan's head. It's like, uh, about 45 South of Splendour. Yeah. I've been down to Evan's head.
Yeah, you have a lovely town. I saw the smile on your face. Very, very lovely town. Yeah, it's good. I know it's a good spot.
It's, um, definitely not the place to live at this age. Cause you kind of just like, you know, you grow up and there's not much going on there, but yeah, no, it was good. It was really quiet. There's about 4,000 people that live there. So, yeah, well, it's funny though.
Cause we like, sometimes we tell people and they have no idea where it is. And then some people go, I don't know where it is.
I'm not fucking stupid. Yeah.
It's like so in between. It's a changing town now, right? It's getting, it's getting the Byron effect kind of flowing into it a little bit, but it's, yeah, it's still got Evan's head roots.
Oh yeah. For sure. You can still go there today and then go there in a year's time and you'd be the same thing. So you just moved up to the Goldie after school or? Yeah.
So Kel actually moved before I did fucking, it's pretty funny. Cause I'm a bit older, but yeah, you moved out. How old were you? I was 17. I left school to start the apprenticeship.
Yeah. And that's a rite of passage, right? For a lot of folks around that area, you're up to the Goldie or up to Brizzy or whatever. Yeah. March. Yeah.
Like you can get a bit of work in Ballina, which is like half an hour nearby. But yeah, I moved out of home when I was 20. So a bit later.
And then, yeah, I moved up to do real estate and it was fucking so shit. It was so bad. I lasted like six months, I think.
Also a rite of passage. Yeah. I saw your video about the Gold Coast influencers the other day. You guys involved in the scene at all? You just, we just like, no, it's an easy thing to rip on. Yeah. It's like easy. It's so like, and I wouldn't even say it's like the biggest influencers in the Gold. It's like the ones that are like trying to make something. It's kind of like the North end of the Gold Coast. That kind of rip. Yeah.
Aspirational eyelashes, which we, yeah, we don't really associate with it all. I'd say like probably not that they're not nice people.
Yeah. It's just like, it's not like the same as us chasing something else. Yeah, exactly. Right. Yeah. For sure. They're definitely probably good people, but they're just like a lot different to us. Yeah.
And like Kel said, it's an easy rip. So yeah, I don't know.
It's like the stigma around the Gold Coast. So you're down the South part of the Goldie.
Yep. Yeah. It's in the airport. Best part around Cooley there. Yeah. Very nice. And what is it like being, um, I'd say you're right up there now with the hottest shit on the Goldie, you know? Yeah.
There's a couple of big guys on the Goldie.
You like, you know, you've heard like Sharmi and all those boys and that, um, which are, yeah, they're, they're like, fucking, they've been around forever. But, um, I remember when they were blowing up on Facebook, it was like over 10 years.
Yeah. Jackson Doherty. Yeah, yeah.
Have you guys crossed paths? Have they given you guys some advice? We've met like Austin and Dim and all that, like on nights out.
They're legends. They're fucking so down.
Sharmi's crew. Yeah. The crew. Yeah.
We haven't met like Sharmi yet or Jackson that we've yet.
Yeah. We're just slowly meeting people like it's how, you know, just slowly meet one, meet the next meeting. It's pretty cool though. Yeah. And it is good. Like you said, to get a lot of advice from people like that, that have been in the game for a while. Yeah. It's a good excuse to go out in the piss. You know, you can just plan on a networking. Soranda asks, have you noticed a significant change over the last say 12 months? That you kind of walk in and you guys are, you know, celebrities in the venue and everyone wants to get around you or what's it kind of been? Yeah, it is pretty good. I like, especially at that venue because it is kind of, everyone's got their head up their ass a little bit. So it's kind of good to go in there and people not look at you like with a heavy look, the kind of more smiling. Yeah. Staring you down, you know, but, um, no, I feel like it's still a similar experience. It is good to even just go out, you know, meet like no people and kind of thing and people are more friendly and that like, which is pretty cool. Yeah. I can, you know, other people that like do content as well. They're, it's a pretty hotspot for that. Yeah. So generally when you go out, there's a lot of people, you know. Yeah. For sure.
Like a free beer here and there. We're in like a small, like two guns, like real small, sort of like, like part of the goldie. So like when we go down to the shops and that as well, it's like, we're always filming chugging. So it's like all the chugging locals like, Oh, I've seen you guys, but someone's like obviously send them the video and yeah, it's pretty cool. They bow you up to put them in the video, come do it in the shop here. Yeah, there's a bit of that going on, but yeah, it's pretty funny. I mean, look, free beers at the Pav would be nice.
They're not the cheapest place in the world. They charge 30 bucks to get in these days. It's wild. Now we haven't, we haven't quite gotten out of that one yet.
We actually made a beer ripping on the Pav a few times. Yeah. I do apologize to him. I remember I went in that weekend that we made the vid and I could see all the staff just pointing at me and I was like, fuck. Just got to keep ripping on them.
And then say, fellas, as soon as you give us a free entry, it stops. As soon as you let us in for free, there will not be another video hanging shit on you.
What about back in Evans? You know, the people from school or people from around the town are like, Oh, here he is. The hotshots coming back in town.
I feel like it's still pretty cool. Like, um, going down home. It's even weird.
Like people in the town don't know that we grew up there. We haven't been there for four years now. Like they just know us as who we are now, not who we were.
I feel like it's, yeah, it's definitely a lot more positive down in the hometown. Like maybe people that would have just kind of gave us a little wave will now come up and give us like a five minute chat. It is pretty funny though. I feel like in a small town though, they don't really like know how to adjust to it though.
And then it's like, there's a couple of like, you know, crustaceans that are just busted. Towel my dad up and go, Oh, those boys need to fucking get a real job and all that sort of shit.
And yeah, it's funny. It's funny to laugh at. Like you can't get another media, the bowling club calm down.
Yeah, literally. And you boys have just started your own podcasts. The race brothers podcasts. Yeah.
It's like what we were saying before. It's like an extra bit of work, but you know, we're, we're hungry for it and um, yeah, I love the change. It's so different.
But yeah, it's good to be able to get on the mic and talk a bit. Yeah, no, I was super keen to start pushing it harder. I was just like, we're still kind of doing that furniture stuff. So we would love to have a bit more time to allocate to it because it is kind of a bit more than you think going into it. And I imagine for you guys going from, as you said, like there's a lot of production that goes into a 42nd video or a minute video, but it's a different thing to sitting down and going, right. I let's talk shit for half an hour or an hour on the mic. And it's taken us like a year to even get to where we are with like the production of the videos and like scripting them. And you know, it could take us a year or more to get the podcast going. But you know, we know it can work if you work hard enough and stay focused. So yeah, that's pretty much the goal is just going to keep pumping it out.
And the thing I like about a fucking podcast is you can outsource the TikTok snippets. So I'll just send it off to a guy. I'm like, yo, you snip this off and it's done rather than just having to sit there for fucking two hours and sort it out, which is a bit of a pain, but. Yeah, it's an art to it. And I noticed, I think it was on this week's podcast you and the last week as well.
You talk about good ways to piss a certain person off. Yeah. So you'll have a bus driver or whatever, a few good little segments in there. I wanted to know what's a surefire way to piss the Reese Bros off. What's the one that will get you round up when you're walking into the TikTok awards tomorrow night and someone does something? What's it going to be where you're like, fuck. I want to think about something Kel would do because he doesn't take him much to get pissed off. Yeah, I'm pretty easy out.
I just like hate when people just act like they don't know you. That's the most annoying thing to me. You know, you've met them before or you know that they've watched your content or you know that they know you and they act like they don't know you. So they're trying to be cool. Yeah, it's like a stigma thing I'm talking about earlier. I just hate when people have that stigma.
It's like, you know, we're all fucking human. We're just making, we'll just make content online. Like, why do you gotta have your head up your ass? Yeah.
That's one thing I hate and that pissed me off. I'm getting mad. Surefire way to piss Kel off. And it comes back off like what we were saying before.
It's like, yeah, we just love like going up to someone. Oh, if we know someone, it's like, yo, like, how are you? That was a guy that we've never had any interaction with, but I've seen him before and he was right in front of us at the elevator.
And I was like, oh, what are you doing? What's going on, mate? Like, how are you?
And we just had like this big, big chat. And he even say that on the way on his face. He was stoked that we didn't just brush.
Yeah. We could have just looked up at him and just looked away. And like, you know, I'd way rather just have a fucking good combo with someone. Yeah, just like starting that good relationship with people. Like I saw what you were saying before that we love to meet new people all the time. Yeah. So like we would love to go up and say to someone if we knew them. Yeah.
But what was your one then Tom? Oh, I don't even know.
We're not that good on the spot. Someone on Facebook or Marketplace or Gumtree just not accepting a 50 bucks offer for a couch.
Yeah. I can, I can, one to do with that is when you go to sell a couch, you drive it all the way to the house and they just say, I don't want to buy. Oh, that's the worst. Tom's done some pretty unspeakable things that's happened to him. Oh yeah. Oh, this is a bad one. So I drove all the way. I probably was probably a 50 minute drive to drop this couch off. Yeah.
And the couch is like, it was one of those ones where I'm like, this is a good cat. I'm not like, Oh, this is a shit box. It's actually a good couch.
And I get there and he's just searching like every speck of it. And he finds like this little tiny hole underneath like one of the cushions. Like, Oh, it's just like, it's almost like under there. He finds it and I'm like, and he's like, Oh, it's a cigarette hole.
And I'm like, no, it's not. It's not a cigarette hole.
And we're back and forth thing. He ends up just snapping me, just like having this big argument out the front. His whole fucking family comes out. I'm like, fucking whatever. I'll just fucking, I'll just, I'll drive home. And then they all go inside.
Then I just start pissing on his driveway. Within two seconds, two seconds of taking the piss, he's just, the doors just open back up and I've gone, Oh no. Shove me, cut down my pants and probably pissed himself a little bit. But he's jumping in the car. He's like, you fucking wanker. Oh no. Piss on the Luxie.
It was pretty bad, but that's what you do. You just didn't want to buy it. Cause it had a, as an apparent cigarette hole in the bottom of it. Or was he trying to knock you down a few hundred bucks?
No, he didn't want it at all, which he didn't want it. No.
And that's what I said to him. I was like, why didn't you just come check it out? Like you didn't have to tell him it was probably a piece of shit. I think the piece was like going easy on him. But did you have to pull up around the corner? Cause I imagine if you pinched that off, I'd be like, Oh fuck.
That'd be changing pants as well. Someone else's driveway got it.
Yeah. Working together as obviously two brothers, making content, you'd be, you know, with each other a lot. Yeah. What are some of the bigger dust ups? Have you ever seen, as soon as you said working together. Well, look, working together and brothers is the Venn diagram. Oh, that's so interesting.
Working like for me, um, I feel like the, I know it's both of us, we both feel it's like, but when someone doesn't understand what we're saying, like things like, you know, they bit picky about some work you've done. If you've done like film someone or done something a bit different, now the person has their own opinion on it.
Like, fuck off cunt. I think it's good. It was like putting you down, but it's like just trying to make a better content. Yeah. Not about them. It's about having a better, best content we can get. Yeah.
I feel like something I've noticed as well is like, because you're like, when you come up with an idea, you got to translate it to start, you know, like kind of transfer it over and sometimes it doesn't work. And it kind of happened on the plane here cause I had this idea of, um, this video that we're going to shoot and you did at the start, you didn't really like, he was like, Oh, that kind of didn't really say much about it. And then I had to like, just keep kind of hitting him with it. And then I feel like what happens is if we don't like, if it doesn't work out, then you end up getting the shit. You're like, Oh, what a dickhead.
He fucking doesn't get it. And then he'll do something so little.
I'm like, yo, what the fuck was that all about? It's all unravel. It's like, but like, really it's just the fact that like, I couldn't, it couldn't translate that, that idea over.
So yeah. Yeah. That's one thing I've noticed for sure. Sometimes we almost just say like, if that happens, we almost just sit back and say, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you do it. Yeah. Cause they know what they want to do. Yeah. You just fucking do it. Yeah, you fucking do it. I see it. Go on. Yeah. It does get a bit like that. Yeah.
We try and hold it in when we're around people as well. But people that we're more comfortable around.
Our poor flatmate, eh, like, we blow up all the time. He's just sitting there like reading his book, like looking his head down. We had a blow up the other night and it was across. So like Kel's room was across the house and mine's there. And he's sitting there, yeah, reading a book and we're just yelling at each other and he's just sitting there in the middle trying to, trying to read.
And then I ended up like slamming the door. And then, um, I came back and I'm like, oh, sorry, bro.
Felt bad for him, but. He's just pretending not to hear.
I like that. And he's just continuing reading the book. Does he ever check in afterwards? He's like, all right, we're up. Well, he's just like, I'll just let you go. No, he's pretty good. Yeah. He's pretty good.
What does he do? Is he in the content space as well or is he? Well, he's actually flipping furniture as well.
So we're all doing the same thing. Yeah. The whole together, the three of you. Yeah.
So how I met him was I was working with him originally in sales. And I left and started doing the furniture thing and he messaged me a month later. He's like, oh, can you show me how to do it?
And I said, yeah. And then three months, three years go by or two and a half years, I should say. And you know, he's still doing it. And I was like, oh, you want to, you want to move in with us? And yeah, it's, it's been pretty good.
Is he ever in any of the videos?
Yeah, he is. Yeah.
He's like, he's tries to be, he's pretty busy. So he try and not to get him in too many, but yeah, he's in some of the bigger ones too, which is pretty funny.
That's mad. And in terms of the potty, you guys have a wishlist or is there like a guest out there that you, you know, would be the dream guests that you can get? You know what I'm saying? Like fucking Ed Sheeran or something like that.
Well, more like more recently we get, I think we're going to get, um, I was like Butterfield to roast us. Yeah. He just shared one of our videos and we like been watching content for ages. Yeah. And then we do a roast like generally once a week. Yeah.
And then we're like, you know, he's the king of that shit. So yeah, that'd be pretty good to get him to fuck. We just send him a DM. Like, Oh, can you just do a little, little rose for us and send it through a voicemail? So yeah, definitely want to get like willpower fish on.
Yeah. Cause you, did you guys do something with him? Yeah. He lives just up the road from us too. And yeah, Wendell just introduced me to power fish a few weeks ago. Oh yeah. Yeah. If anybody hasn't seen stuff thoroughly recommend, he puts so much effort. Yeah.
We're talking, digging a hole in the ground and filling it up with dead tools and getting, catching someone trying to steal a boat.
I just see his lingo is just so like, it's so funny. Like brandable too. Like he's has his full brand around himself. Yeah. He's like, yeah. The way he's done is just so like mind blowing. Like he's got so many sayings, like people know him for so many things. It's crazy.
Yeah. Literally like 10 different lines. Yeah. The three meter flat. He's the one that's entered vernacular and like get the dog to get the dog. Yeah. So many things.
And the thing about him as well, he's like, he can't be like copy. No one can copy what he's doing.
Cause if they, cause it's real. Yeah. And if they do, it's like, it's so obvious. It's just him.
I would love to see someone try and copy. It would end up being the weirdest.
Yeah. It would be the new Fitzroy garage. Yeah. Literally. Yeah.
Power fish would suck him off. If anyone tried to do a punishment.
Yeah. Often, um, my partner will look across and she'll be like, what the fuck are you watching? Oh my God. This is power fish playing up here. Yeah.
I have an idea to pitch to you. Do you guys take ideas?
A hundred percent. Okay. So are you going to bear in mind with us? You know how we fight. Yeah.
You guys don't have to take this idea, but I'm thinking like internet pop-ups in real life. Have you ever like when you're trying to watch a movie and there's like an anime girl on the corner and her tits are like doing that, but like you do that. You guys do like the pop-ups.
If what would happen if that happened in real life. That's good.
Like a horny milf comes in at once. Yeah, but you can even go further and be like, it's not actually a horny milf.
Like some dude. Yeah. I feel like that might have been done in a way, but we'll, we'll cross check it before we make it. That's a really good idea. I could, I can so imagine that working. Maybe you could join us in the video. Yeah.
I can be the nerd on the computer and you guys can be the pop-outs. It's been delightful talking to the Reese brothers.
Podcast is out now on all good platforms. Good. It's a good podcast.
Get around it. Enjoy it. And thanks very much for stopping in boys.
Good luck tomorrow. Best of luck. Yeah. I'll put my vote in today. If you get any word.
It's over. Oh, I'm so sorry.
She said you did already. If you get any word on the winners, you just let us know. All right boys. Yeah, prior. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put some bets on. I mean, look, if it's the $1.20 and Jimmy Ray's, don't worry about it. But, um, you know, fire it up. If you boys are getting the nod or someone random. Imagine if I got a nod earlier, I'd be like, wow, put the house on. I'll transfer you some money as well. You put it in for me.
We don't want you getting done for match fixing at the TikTok awards.
Yeah. Imagine. Thank you.
And the thing about him as well, he's like, he can't be like copy. No one can copy what he's doing.
Cause if they, if they do, it's like, it's so obvious. It's unique. It's just, I would love to see someone try and end up being the weirdest.
Yeah. Literally.
I think it would suck him off if anyone tried to do the punishment. My partner will look across and she'll be like, what the fuck are you watching? It's just power fish playing up here.
I have an idea to pitch to you. Do you guys take ideas?
A hundred percent. So you got to bear in mind with us that you know how we fight.
Yeah. You guys don't have to take this idea, but I'm thinking like internet popups in real life. Have you ever like when you're trying to watch a movie and there's like an anime girl on the corner and her tits are like doing that, but like you do that. Cool. You guys do like the popups. What would happen if that happened in real life? That's good. Like a horny milf. Yeah. It's actually good shit. But you can even go further and be like, it's not actually a horny milf. Like some dude. Yeah. I feel like that might have been done in a way, but we'll cross check it before we make it. That's a really good idea. I could, I can so imagine that working. Maybe you could join us in the video. Yeah.
I can be the nerd on the computer and you guys. It's been delightful talking to the race brothers.
Podcast is out now on all good platforms. Good. It's a good podcast.
Get around it. Enjoy it. And thanks very much for stopping in boys.
Good luck tomorrow. Best of luck. Yeah. I'll put my vote in today. If you get any word.
It's over. Oh, I'm so sorry.
She said you did already. If you get any word on the winners, you just let us know. All right.
I mean, look, if it's the dollar 20 and Jimmy Ray's, don't worry about it.
But, um, you know, fire it up. If you boys are getting the nod or someone random. Imagine if you got a nod earlier, I'd be like, wow, put the house on. I'll transfer you some money as well. You put it in for me.
We don't want you getting done for match fixing.
Yeah. Imagine. Yeah. Thank you. |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_christian_batman_knockoff_is_worse_than_you_think_ | John Bible hated God and loved eating drugs.
Until he found a special book whose words helped him change his ways and become...
Captain fuckbirds! go on kid lie to your parents they don't have to know that you smoked a cigarette I knew I'd find you alone with a kid ah Captain Bible you're too late Kyle's one fib away from a life of sin but God hates liars the Bible tells me so yeah right I doubt anyone here could recite a Bible verse that says lying is wrong unless sort of the spirit why are you shooting aren't you supposed to pray at me or record a Bible verse John 316 look out kid but you can't hide the Lord sees all that's Filipino 412 when the Lord said plan a claymore at every entrance so they can't escape Colossians 5 9 where are you don't judge me Jesus drank wine too there you are Decepto ready to take on Captain Bible gay wizard so it's a team up then no I'm the wizard of stealing I make people steal you made me gay oh you said the Lord's name in vain no no I wasn't I was praying I where are you going what's the lesson here there's always a lesson wait what is that no okay you're safe now kid here take this it's loaded keep it don't worry I have a lightsaber for some reason armor of God that would have been the perfect time to say sort of the spirit breastplate of righteous what the hell whoa it's a miracle God saved you he really is real you shot my Bible what okay you shot my Bible subway the Lord's Supper |
dropout | bruce_wayne_is_the_real_criminal | We just took a couple of laptops we're sorry how about we just return them and then we can call it even it's too late when I took up this post as defender of the city I swore I wouldn't rest until every criminal was behind bars I mean in that case you should go up to Bruce Wayne what was that you're talking a little quietly over there I said you should go at the Bruce Wayne you know the billionaire CEO guy one percenter Bruce Wayne you never heard of Bruce Wayne I know who Bruce Wayne is I don't understand why you think he's a criminal oh come on we all know that white-collar crime is the real crime here what no no Bruce is a good guy he makes an honest buck maybe it's illegal but it ain't honest no do you know that he pays less than taxes than his secretary yes his capital gains tax is criminal that's criminal oh yeah but it all trickles down oh my god serious it does a trickles don't say trickle down yeah you gross freak if trickle down theory was true then as the rich got richer the poor would also get richer but that ain't the same how does the saying go bet man you're gonna quote adages at me like that's the thing read a book okay tax cuts for the wealthy make jobs not according to Keynesian economics money like that is way more likely to go towards mergers and acquisitions or debt repayment supply-side economics does not work you gotta stimulate demand if you want to drive the economy Bruce Wayne right Bruce Wayne is a philanthropist yeah I mean that's what he wants you to think but you know he ain't giving that money to anybody how much have you given this is why we definitely have a difference of opinion here okay yeah tell me well my point of view on it is if your money is compounding at the rate that his is maybe it's better to wait and then you can give away you know the maximum amount that you can oh yeah that's what he's looking at that's what he's doing yeah it's not a a scoreboard to see who has the title for the you don't know what the fuck you're talking about so why don't you just shut up Bruce Wayne Bruce Wayne works hard oh works hard what a laugh this is the same guy that went off to Asia for 10 years can't take a vacation I'm just gonna say this the man's got secrets he does got secrets you're wearing a mask you're wearing a mask okay we're all wearing masks okay we all got secrets not like these this guy is hiding a boy acrobat at his house I don't think it's like that you're making it sound very bad okay well how would you see it local do-gooder helps orphan child I supplied room and board that's way more editorialized than what I did okay also did you know that I get a friend that dated him yeah why would you know I know a couple people a day but it's way well this friend says he's a womanizer plus oh you'll love this he's a war profiting right Wayne weapon weapons babies are killing people he's just selling what oh my god you should hate Bruce Wayne you got that old you know can't kill anybody thing they're bombing children as bad as the person who used the bomb to kill children listen to yourself this is semantics Batman I thought you were smarter than maybe Bruce Wayne has made a couple of mistakes but what about redemption I'm gonna let you go one purpose tell everyone Bruce Wayne is a chill dude we will be swift oh geez he was defending Bruce Wayne so much it's almost like he's oh wait a minute I figured it out Batman is actually a Republican oh oh I thought you were gonna say he was Bruce Wayne hey it's Raphael if you like college humor and want to support us sign up for dropouts for the low price of a whole lot of straws per month you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the dropout discord and exclusive content such as troopers sign up for your free trial today you don't need all those trials give them to me |
dropout | n00b_boyfriend | Hey, Mom, Dad, this is Ryan. Oh, so this is the famous boy we've been hearing so much about. It's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Leed, and sir.
So Ryan, what Warcraft server do you play on? Is that on the computer? Oh, you know what? I think I forgot the dessert in the car. Who do you think you are bringing his kind into my house?
But, Dad, he's a nice guy, really. Oh, he's a noob, Jessica, a noob. But Ryan and I are perfect together. This relationship is headed for an epic fail, young lady. You're elite, dammit. We don't date noobs. We bone them. Well, maybe I don't want to be elite. You're insolence, for the lose.
No, maybe I love that he watches VHS tapes still. And maybe I love that his phone still has a cord. You might as well date somebody who plays a lion. I'll date whoever I want.
Over my level 80 rogue stripper, early dead body. Mr. Leed, I may run around in circles when I play Halo. And I might never get a monster kill. Hell, I can't even find the space bar half the time. But I know when I found true love. And that is worth more than all the Uber gear in the world. Too long, did not listen.
Oh! |
dropout | My_Weekend_Was_the_Plot_of_Mrs_Doubtfire_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Ray Romano. What? I'm sorry, I'm done. Deborah! Um, not quite. Oh, alright, maybe you're a... Mom!
Keep going, keep going, keep trying for it. We're gonna make it, we're gonna make it happen. Alright, no, no, no, too late.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Doubtfire, dear. You're Mrs. Doubtfire?
You mean you were the whole time? The whole time?
Oh, please. Yes, but I'm a hip old granny who can... These are the real lines. Dance till you drop and yo-yo make a wicked cup of cocoa. My brother Robert is tall.
How was your weekend? I've actually never seen Mrs. Doubtfire. Well, what do you think it's about? As far as I can tell, Robin Williams is a divorced father and he lies to try and see his kids, but nobody can tell that he's Mrs. Doubtfire, which seems implausible to me. And that was your weekend?
Yes. Great. I can't tell if that's problematic. Now for our weather report with former minister Pat Beeberson, who will tell us what sins are responsible for our bad weather this week. Pat? I want to begin by saying he has risen.
The temperatures downtown. Due to an increase in gambling downtown, I've said downtown twice, but it's a different story in Malibu, where I believe teenage masturbation has ignited an outbreak of wildfires across the area. According to my weather tools, the fires should subside by the weekend, which can only mean that by that time everyone will have stopped masturbating.
Exactly what religion are you? I believe that I'm the only person that's real.
You leave my mother out of this! For our seven-day forecast, the Northwest is showing a buildup of rock and roll while Florida has been riddled with sinkholes due to the popularity of Harry Potter. I was hoping it would be nice enough this weekend to go get some pinkberry. Shut your filthy mouth! You're a heathen!
Yo, I'm a raptor and I'm here to say I'm really hoping that we'll have a better day. Oh wait, there's actually something written here. I'm a raptor, doing what I can, gonna eat everything till the appearance of man. Yo, yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'm a bat, but I'm coming back as oil! And that is from Mrs. Jumpfire.
Really? Fascinating. I'm hearing our sports correspondent Jamie has the lowdown on everything sports. Jamie? Lonzo Ball just won it all for the New Orleans Raptors by laying the ball up with some English. And for our viewers, what does that mean? It's sort of a cross between a dunk and a shot. Oh, okay. So it just means that he put some spin on the ball off the backboard? Exactly. I've always wondered, what does it mean in basketball when someone says they're butt-naked? It's sort of like a cross between when you put some spin on the ball, but then you put a little spin on your balls. I just looked it up, and that is correct. It means they're wide open, just like Jamie says. See?
Now back to you, Mrs. Dappfire, for some more information on the incident in Alhambra that left nine people dead and another in critical condition. What happened? It was a drive-by fruiting. But seriously, a lot of people died.
Well, that's all the time we have. A special congrats to our loser this week. We aren't supposed to smile or laugh and you were terrible. Erica. Surprising no one. Why did you give me such a Mrs. Dappfire heavy script? Listen, it's a classic for some reason, even though we're real iffy in terms of the politics. And it was fun because I got to talk about my balls. |
SaturdayNightLive | big_boys_snl | When it has arrived y'all temperatures dropping and you know what that means. It's cuffing season that time. Yeah, when we find a man to keep us warm through these cold months, but not just any man will do. That's right. we out here looking for some oh keeps me warm in the winter snow storm when chill is fighting, but his jacket son sips he bring in my croses and just one trick to the sun comes back.
I need a big boy hottie makes his own heat with his big boy body but the next three months skinny boys is dead. Forget a six pack. I need the whole damn keg big boy with a big old Jack, a California king refrigerator sack with fake some fake some fake some fake some fake butter, bacon, cheese and lasagna in the train. Need An enormous man with an enormous stand, feeds me snacks with his enormous hands and I hope he asked me to be his winter wife cuz messing with a big boy will change your life. Need a big boy body like a bouncer, big mouth breather and legs like a monster? Get in the bed and he's gonna do me right. and when we all done he's gonna snort all night and then he stops. Did this man just die? Anything I need my big boy got it. If I need a snack he got snickers in his pocket warm hoodie. yeah, you know, I'm gonna rock it. and if we go to travel, you know we gonna put me in first class cuz he don't fit in the back but they can't keep me warm. I want to be the little spoon. Sometimes it's like this. I've been manning up the whole year, taking care, killing wife. I'm more alone think I'm the trash. you don't think that I'll be died, all I do is work in stress and I could use a big boy so I could just relax. He need the head and love handles in the front and in the back. and yes, I want them three layers like Mcdonald's Big Mac We the reason for the season. these bands gonna hibernate in the winter, you know where to find us we'll be shovel is snow and shorts. I need a big boy with polar bear arms me warm in the winter snow storm when chill is fighting buddies check his son sis he bring in my crosses and just one trick to the sun comes back. I need a big boy hottie makes his own heat with his big boy body but the next three months skinny boys is dead. forget a six pack. I need the whole damn keg with a big old bag, a California key refrigerator sack with fake some fake some fake some fake some fake butter bacon, cheese and lasagna. In the train in enormous man with an enormous stand feeds me snacks with his enormous hands and I hope he asked me to be his winter wife cuz messing with a big boy will change your life. Big boy body like a bouncer, big mouth breather and legs like a monster. Get in the bed and he's gonna do me right.
And when we all done he's gonna snore all night and then he stops. This man just died.
My big boy got it. If I need a snack he got snickers in his pocket.
Be warm hoodie. yeah, you know, I'm gonna rock it. and if we go and travel, you know we gonna put me in first class cuz he don't fit in the back. I love girls, but they can't keep me warm. I want to be the little spoon. sometimes it's like this.
I've been manning up the whole year taking care of, killing wife. I'm more alone, take out the trash. you don't think that I'll be died.
All I do is work in stress and I could use a big boy so I could just relax. He need to have him love handles in the front and in the back.
And yes, I wanna three layers like Mcdonald's Big Mac, but if we talking girls, you know I like my women big and it don't matter what the season like. Oh, yeah yeah we out here ladies we the reason for the season.
These bears don't hibernate in the winter. You know where to find us we'll be Shovel is snow and shorts. |
dropout | the_suicidal_radio_dj | We back in the building baby. Power 98.
This is new pepper dawn. Pepper dawn.
I'm proud of you homie. You doing way better than me right now.
You were right back in 98. I should have never invested in Pele Pele. But you know, it's like power 98. It's pepper dawn yo.
Dude this job is straight man but I still had to apply for Obamacare you know and that don't cover dental. My kid's teeth is fucked up. Real fucked up man.
But you know be honest I don't even know them little niggas is mine you know. If your kid's eyes is green right and yours is brown would you still like raise them as your own you know. I mean this is a general question. I mean call in you know let us know what you think.
Oh man my wife man this bitch just blocked me on Instagram. I don't need her anyway you know.
I'm kinda confused about my sexual orientation as it is you know. My fellas gonna fill me out there. You know you ever been watching like porn and you don't really know who you masturbate to.
Pepper? You got any calls in yet? No oh something that relevance what y'all saying I see what's up.
Fuck y'all niggas man. You know I don't care. You know what man.
That's pretty good song right. Yeah, rap's okay.
Is the girlfriend changing?
Yeah, alright, he's dead. I don't care.
Kachuto in C minor, and if you're out there having a bad day, take solace in the fact that I was sexually abused as a child. That's right. So, whatever trifling crap you're going through today, I was abused by my uncle Gary. Yep, I was a little finger puppet for that sicko.
And I'm not gonna be a punching bag anymore, world. I'm ending it.
Got my old pal, Smith and Wesson by me. Gonna bite on that barrel and go out with a bang. And I'm gonna fuck uncle Gary's mouth in the gates of hell. Yes! |
SaturdayNightLive | go_karts_snl | All right, folks, welcome to the Funland Go-kart Track. we got a cart stuck out on the track right now, so for now, just sit tight. once we clear it out, we'll have you on your way, all right? Oh, man, this day rocks. we rode rides, played games, and now we're doing Go-karts. Mom, Dad, thanks so much for taking us here. that's great, son. we're, um. I'm glad you're having fun. Yes, it's been a fun day, and now. now we enjoy the Go-karts. Yeah. go-karts are my favorite. enjoy the Go-karts, son. let's all have fun on the Go-karts, because after the Go-karts, your mother and I have something terrible to tell you.
Oh, no. what is it? You just enjoy the Go-karts. you have fun this one more time, and then after that, your father and I will tell you something very bad. that's right, But for now, just enjoy the Go-karts, son. enjoy the hell out of them, because after that, your mother and I have to. to tell you the bad thing. um, okay. I kind of just want you guys to tell me right now.
And we're clear, so how we doing today, folks? good for now. for now, good. All right. cool, cool.
So just a couple things to go over.: gas is on the right, brake is on the left, and there is absolutely no bumping allowed, All right? Oh, Chris, him saying no bumping reminds me. we still haven't done the bumper boats.
Oh, crap. you're right. Hey, son, we still have to do the bumper boats, so would you rather hear the bad thing after Go-karts Or do go-karts and bumper boats than hear the bad thing? Um, neither. I want to know the bad thing now.
You know what? we shouldn't even be asking him something like that. You're right. it shouldn't be up to him.
Ashley, sweetie, Daddy has a question for you. sweetie, it's your birthday, so we're going to let you pick. you want to do go-karts, hear the bad thing, then do bumper boats, or go-karts and bumper boats, Then hear the bad thing. um, I'd like to hear the bad thing now. You know what? let's just play it by ear. fine with me. Okay, so, kids, we're going to just play telling you the bad thing by ear, Okay? So, the rest of the day, just be ready. at some point, we're going to drop it on you, Okay? Why? just tell us. you know what?
Sheila should really be here when we tell them. Oh, yeah, you're right. Do you think Sheila would come down here to meet us? I'll give her a call. let's, uh, ask. who is Sheila? she's part of the bad thing. Hey, Sheila, it's Big C. Uh, can you meet us at Fun Land, help us break the news to the kids?
Great. Okay, see you soon. Sheila's in.
Dad, who is Sheila? just forget it. let's just talk about something else. Oh, fun, random question for you kids. If your father and I were on opposite ends of a pool, who do you think you'd swim to? Wait, what?
Hey, I have a question. how would y'all feel if I started drinking again? Dad, Why? why would you start drinking again?
Well, I don't want to spoil anything, but after you hear the bad thing, you'll understand why. Okay, look, enough.
Mom, Dad, please, just, whatever the bad thing is, tell us. we can handle it. Okay, fine, but before we tell you, I want you kids to know. your father and I love you, and we always will. That's right. And, um, no matter what happens, we're still Mom and Dad. that's never gonna change. we know, Dad. Yeah, of course, Dad. okay, then here it goes. the bad thing is.
All righty, folks, y'all clear the race! Oh, you know what? let's just have fun. we'll tell you later.
No! Dad, Do Not cuss! you Do Not cuss, young lady!
Oh, let's, uh, ask. who is Sheila? she's part of the bad thing. Hey, Sheila, it's Big C. can you meet us at Funland to help us break the news to the kids? Great, okay, see you soon. Sheila's in. Dad, who is Sheila? just forget it. let's just talk about something else.
Oh, fun, random question for you kids. If your father and I were on opposite ends of a pool, who do you think you'd swim to? Wait, what?
Hey, I have a question. how would y'all feel if I started drinking again? Dad, why would you start drinking again?
Well, I don't want to spoil anything, but after you hear the bad thing, you'll understand why. Okay, look, enough.
Mom, Dad, please, just, whatever the bad thing is, tell us. we can handle it. Okay, fine, but before we tell you, I want you kids to know. your father and I love you, and we always will. That's right. And, um, no matter what happens, you're still Mom and Dad. that's never gonna change. We know, Dad. yeah, of course, Dad. okay, then here it goes. the bad thing is.
All righty, folks, y'all clear to race! Oh, you know what? let's just have fun. we'll tell you later.
No! Dad, Do Not Pass! You Do Not Touch young ladies! |
TheOnion | Middle_Aged_Waiter_Sadly_Not_Involved_In_Any_Creative_Endeavor | Despite being firmly into his middle age and employed full time as a waiter at local restaurant club Lago, co-workers of area man Phillip Ames told reporters this week that the 48-year-old is unfortunately not involved in any creative enterprises on the side. I always assumed that while Phil was working here, he was also working on a screenplay, or a collection of poetry, a one-man show, like the rest of us. Then after talking to him for a while, I realized his job is his main thing. It's all he does. Working alongside Ames on the day shift, fellow employees reported being utterly depressed to learn that after prepping food and busing tables, Ames would not be heading to a theater rehearsal, a band gig, or a coffee shop to work on his novel. Sources also confirmed that when asked about his profession, the nearly 50-year-old man with no artistic aspirations whatsoever responded simply and hauntingly, I guess when he's done working all day, Phil just goes home and relaxes, or maybe he hangs out with some friends.
I used to see him working in this little notebook from time to time, and I assumed it was a book where he kept a collection of sketches or something. Turns out that's how he memorizes the daily specials.
How fucking depressing is that? |
Wizards_with_Guns | please_be_patient_i_m_still_learning_ | Hi. Okay. The grape is purple. Huh? Sorry, what? I would like to own a grape. Please.
Where is, can I find, the grocery store?
Oh. Okay. Um, I hear English is a difficult, it's a difficult language to learn. I'm sorry. I don't speak. Yeah, no worries. I'm just learning, sorry. It's okay. Yes. No. Yes. Sorry.
The man at the bus stop is ugly.
The grape is green. It is a green grape.
The ugly man have a heart. The heart is blue.
Sorry, are you, are you talking about me? I'm sorry, I know. Nevermind. I don't understand. No, sorry.
Sometimes, yes? Yeah. I'm learning. Please, um, continue.
The horse inside of the barn is brown.
The man in the striped shirt looks like he stopped breastfeeding yesterday. The man in the striped shirt and the blue hat look like he roller skate for a living. How is that even a job? The man in the striped shirt with the blue hat at the bus stop, he look like a ratatouille work at McDonald's. He look like Chucky Cheese Understudy.
Okay. Excuse me. I know you're talking about me. Sorry, I don't understand. I'm still learning. Uh-huh. The man in the striped shirt with the blue hat and the bad breath. Okay.
He look like he asked Santa Claus for a Markiplier Funko Pop. There's no way the tape says that.
I bet he stay behind for end credit scene on every movie. Not just Marvel. I bet he even stay after Oppenheimer. I bet the man in the striped. Muppets, Hamilton. Gonzo is Aaron Burr. I bet he stay even for Oppenheimer.
He look like he never drink water. Only Yoo-hoo chocolate milk all his life. |
SaturdayNightLive | workout_class_snl | Hey, excuse me, is this butt day at Studio? Thick thighs and nasty romp? it's 9 a.m. on a Thursday, then? yeah, well, it's 10 on Saturday. Oh, we know it's still asked and you'll love the teacher. everyone here calls her Sergeant Cake. Oh great, cuz I'm getting married in a month and I'm trying to drag a wagon down the aisle. You can't to the right place. We want to get those booties ready for how to win. Whether you're dressing up as a sexy witch with a fat ass or first responder with a fat ass. Now let's start off in a squat and pop and pop. Now remember what a big ass comes, big responsibility.
A modified version: Turn your eyes to Keely and Kaylee Kay. That's right. Any of you looking to not get a butt today. look our way. We don't have buts that's right. You go from back to lay y'all never drive from Kansas to Iowa. that's our ass. It's like actually spooky. Hey, not everybody's been but blessed. So if you want to go over and see Keely and Kaylee Kay, I won't be offended.
No, I truly want. my wedding dress.
Seems to be split but a sit on your ass now. Drop it. Low. Drop it. Low release The tension.
Sag the ass. Release the tension sagged the ass I'm painting from. Pay $40 to Sag the Ass. What is that even accomplishing?
All right, but you big bun bitches, it's time to get those weights out. And I don't want to see you grabbing quarter pounders. I want to see you slinging ten pounders. And for Pancake Nation, grab your weight. Which are your own thumbs?
I get sexy with it. Grab your knees and work it.
And for my weak little girlies, grab your partner and punch them in the butt. I can't be a real exercise. yeah, I'm really regretting purchasing this a year in advance. All right, it seems like some of y'all are getting tempted to leave me for a tortilla booty world wide over there. I mean can slice Legion? line it up? Oh, light it up. that's right. my baby booty. if you feel our microcheats bump, bump your back. You're in the gang. Cheats. cheats. you're in the game. Your ass is on us like get Rick.
Oh, I don't even think about it.
I was to your flat ass. Come on y'all be nice. Keely and Kelly care all my friends. they took my class for six years. Then you should give them their money back. Wow, and the body shaming continues. But you're right. we have ugly flat butts.
Sorry, we're not card askins. Oxides are basically paper plates. we weren't gifted with the genetics of Iggy. Iggy Amelia. Maybe we should just leave. No, your depleted whoopee cushions aren't going anywhere. In fact, I'm gonna let you leave the class and erase all these. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_22_9_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate News Bulletin for Monday the 23rd of September. You're joined today by Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate and only Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate.
Errol Parker's just ducked over to Japan to watch the Wallabies, he'll be supporting the Wallabies this year. He is Hong Kong born and Hong Kong just missed out in the dying minutes there. They're qualified, they missed out, so he'll be flying the flag for Petuta and cheering on the Wallabies.
Wendell Hussey, the intern, cadet, whatever you call him, he's now on the payroll and he jumped onto the payroll just in time for him to go and take a holiday in Bali where he will be for the next couple of weeks.
So it's just me today and it's been quite a week actually while the Wallabies are over there in East Asia. There's been a lot happening in Australian politics that involve the nation just next door to Japan, China that is.
Sam Dastyari was just the tip of the iceberg as we've learnt in recent months. Starting with this story on Monday, nations should just get over having a spy in parliament says Prime Minister with one seat majority.
Obviously Scott Morrison has blindly and staunchly defending Gladys Liu from Chisholm electorate in Victoria has nothing to do with him having a one seat majority despite her very, very obvious ties to Chinese intelligence agencies. Morrison says there is a grubby undertone and we should as a nation move forward and stop trying to undermine this politicians career just simply because of her ethnic background. He's also said Sam Dastyari was a completely different case and shame on you for comparing the two. Now Turnbull, former Prime Minister Turnbull, the predecessor to Scott Morrison has also given comment has been quoted as saying, I don't care, leave me alone and stop calling this number. Turnbull seems to be playing this pretty close to his chest, although we do know he was advised by AGO last year to not meet with Gladys Liu at a fundraiser she was hosting in Melbourne because they were a bit nervous about the people that she might have at that function. Scott Morrison however ignored this advice because he needed all the help he could get and it ended up working for him because he painted that map blue on election night and we now have a Chinese spy in parliament.
Now Albanese and the rest of the war weary and damaged goods that are the Federal Labor Party have given comment on this particular issue involving the member for Chisholm. Labor says Prime Minister's dodgy links to China is especially worrying if no one is getting paid. Of course Labor can't exactly sit on too high of a horse this week, especially given the previous week's ICAC inquiries down in Sydney which found the New South Wales Labor branch actually accepting Aldi bags full to the brim of cash, donations from Chinese nationals with close ties to construction industry and of course the Communist Party of China. Not a very good look but as Albo pointed out neither is the PM's current situation and you'd at least want to get paid if you were going to do this.
Now elsewhere in the country in the minor parties it seems that there's been Chinese spies trying to infiltrate the crossbench. With this story we published earlier in the week Chinese spy tasked with infiltrating the KAP Qatar Australia party was forced to learn slim dust his entire back catalogue. Darren did bite off more than he could chew it seems. He was interested in joining the KAP particularly because of the mining and agricultural interests that exist in the great Northwest and Qatar's the man you need to win over if you want to get your foot in the door in that part of the world but he didn't realise in becoming a member of the Qatar party it was actually a prerequisite to know every single slim dusty song ever recorded which is a fuckload considering he recorded a hundred albums. Tough call but this young Chinese student he went and did it. He still doesn't know if he's accepted into the party though. Bob is pretty cunning and he has a few more tests for him we believe. Now a Chinese spy has also tried to infiltrate the national party and has had to learn a few things if he wants to remain under cover.
Of course both Darren from the KAP spy and this current one Daniel have all invested in Drieser bones and kubra hats but is that going to be enough?
When it comes to the national party Daniel's had to learn to fly a plane ride a horse and fuck his woman. He's also learnt that if you walk up to a woman and grab them by your strong hand behind the neck and whisper in their ear g'day mate you're almost sure to get a start well let's hope he gets a start in the national party because it sounds like he's putting himself through hell to get there.
And at the other end of the eastern seaboard the Chinese spy has been tasked with infiltrating the Australian Greens party seems to be having a tougher time than the other two I just mentioned. Also a Chinese student who's applied for membership and is trying to join the ranks of the Australian Greens has had to suffer through the indignity of having white people speak to her in Mandarin and of course having 22 year old young white men telling her how much they know about her home country and asking her if she cooks traditionally at home and also quizzing her on how Chinese she is. The warmest story of this entire Chinese spy fiasco has taken place down in Tasmania with the Chinese spy tasked with infiltrating the Jackie Lambie network has found himself doing Meals on Wheels in Burnie regional Tasmania. That is actually a nice story it's good to see that Jackie's actually putting these blokes to work we can't be giving over all of our sensitive you know intelligence and national kind of political secrets for nothing and it's good that the people of Burnie have actually you know gotten some use out of this bloke. And there's definitely more to come on all of this that's all from me this week though I'm Clancy Overall hoping to have Errol and Wendell back with me next week but until then you be kind to each other and as Errol would say please stay out of the pokies. This is live from Baxter Boots studio the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. More than he could shoo it seems he was interested in joining the KAP particularly because of the mining and agricultural interests that exist in the great northwest and Katter's the man you need to win over if you want to get your foot in the door in that part of the world but he didn't realize in becoming a member of the Katter party you it was actually a prerequisite to know every single Slim Dusty song ever recorded which is a fuckload considering he recorded a hundred albums it's a tough call but this young Chinese student he went and did it he still doesn't know if he's accepted into the party though Bob is pretty cunning and he has a few more tests for him we believe. Now a Chinese spy has also tried to infiltrate the National Party has had to learn a few things if he wants to remain undercover of course both Darren from the KAP spy and this current one Daniel have all invested in Drysabones and the Coobra hats but is that going to be enough when it comes to the National Party Daniels had to learn to fly a plane ride a horse and fuck his woman he's also learned that if you walk up to a woman and grab them by your strong hand behind the neck and whisper in their ear g'day mate you're almost sure to get a start well let's hope he gets a start in the National Party because it sounds like he's putting himself through hell to get there. And at the other end of the eastern seaboard the Chinese spy has been tasked with infiltrating the Australian Greens party seems to be having a tougher time than the other two I just mentioned also a Chinese student who's applied for membership and is trying to join the ranks of the Australian Greens has had to suffer through the indignity of having white people speak to her in Mandarin and of course having you know 22 year old young white men telling her how much they know about her home country and asking her if she cooks traditionally at home and also quizzing her on how Chinese she is. The warmest story of this entire Chinese spy fiasco has taken place down in Tasmania with the Chinese spy tasked with infiltrating the Jackie Lambie Network has found himself doing Meals on Wheels in Burnie regional Tasmania that is actually a nice story it's good to see the Jackie's actually putting these blokes to work we can't be giving over all of our sensitive you know intelligence and a national kind of political secrets for nothing and it's good that the people of Burnie have actually you know gotten some use out of this bloke. And there's definitely more to come on all of this that's all from me this week though I'm Clancy Overall hoping to have Errol and Wendell back with me next week but until then you be kind to each other and as Errol would say please stay out of the pokies.
This is live from Baxter Boots Studio the Petuta Advocate News Bulletin. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_woman_wins_back_to_back_lottos_child_arrested_for_touching_teacher_snl | Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long-lost tomb of Cleopatra.
Cleopatra is, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Anthony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she's really funny or something? a woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back-to-back Lotto's in the same day. but the woman says she's still going to keep her day job forging lottery tickets.
The U.s.
Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia.
Even worse, they then fired missiles. a white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two black students. she has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer. a 10-year-old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher's breast.
Because under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move. |
dropout | Do_You_Hate_Me_Or_Are_You_Just_Flaky | Come in and sit down. We ought to make this meeting quick, doll.
I have got to find that Lindbergh baby. Oh god. Yeah, I've been reading about him. I hope he's okay. Detective!
You got any leads about my sweet friend Betty? I miss her so much. Her smile, her laugh, the sound of her voice. Oh, where the hell could she be? It's been five whole months missing.
Wasn't it? Yeah. Your suspicions about your friend were correct. No. Betty's not just some flake who's canceling plans on everybody. Who's this?
She hates you and she's too much of a coward to tell you to your face? No! Say it ain't so! No can do, you crazy dame.
Just look at the proof. Exhibit A! Your text history from four months ago.
You said, want to see a movie Saturday? She said, let's do it. On Saturday, you text to follow up. What's the plan for tonight? She replies, sorry girl, way too much work, super swamped, but let's chill soon.
You don't think there's any way she really was busy with work? If this were an isolated incident, I'd say sure. Yeah, maybe.
But she's canceling on you every single week and just varying up the excuse. Oh god, you're right! So many excuses.
My roommate's friend is in town, so I gotta hang out with them. I've got so much laundry to do. I gotta go home to wash my hair? Wash your hair some other time, Betty!
Now you're getting the picture. Wait a minute, but she's got herself a new boyfriend. Might be natural to want to spend more time with your significant other if it's the start of a relationship.
Yeah, that could be true. Yeah, it could be true for sure.
Except for exhibit B! For someone with a job and a new boyfriend, she sure is socializing with a lot of people that ain't you. For all these people, I could definitely have been invited to these events! If she really wanted to spend time with you, she would have reached out the moment she became available, especially since she'd been canceling on you so much.
Damn it to hell! She hates my guts!
Where did I go wrong? Can't tell you. But I cracked the case for you, kid, so get the hell out of my office. I've got things to do. But there's something you haven't considered. Exhibit C! What? Impossible! Only I can talk about that. Hey! Get away from my board!
She liked all my social media posts. Look! Why would she like my stuff if she didn't like me?
Maybe there's hope for us yet. Maybe we were wrong.
Get it together, sweetheart! She likes everybody's social media. It's what she does.
You're not special. Oh, yeah. I bet you're right. Maybe Exhibit C was just me trying to have hope.
She's gone forever. I'll never see her again!
There, there. It's okay. It's okay, dollface.
Whoa! Now shut your yap, because I gotta make it to the state at a jazz club. But wait!
Worry about the Lindbergh baby. He'll be fine, alright? It's up to me to find him alive, and I'm the best detective there is. Well, at least that will end well.
I love my big girl show, The Rank Room.
Invisible identical to it. What's your question? How do you know they're identical? You said invisible.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mom now. |
TheOnion | ClickHole_Here_s_THE_Perfect_Recipe_For_A_Healthy_20_Minute_Dinner | Hey guys, Mike here. Today we're going to be looking at an easy 20 minute recipe that you yourself can make at home. The best part for all you health nuts out there, this is totally healthy too. So, all you need is a basic cooking pot, one pan, one can of low sodium tomato sauce, some cumin, one pound of whole wheat spaghetti, a rare Galapagos turtle found only in the San Diego Zoo, one half cup of diced carrots, and some crushed red pepper for taste. Alright, let's get started. Okay, first, boil your spaghetti according to the instructions on the packet. Then, put the diced carrots into the tomato sauce, and put the pan on medium heat so you aren't burning the sauce.
Now, while that's cooking, you'll want to drive a van to the San Diego Zoo between the hours of 3 AM and 4 AM. Enter through the south entrance, that's really the best entrance if you want to avoid security, and use a basic double pulley to hoist the tortoise into your van. Because you're there so late, you shouldn't be bothered by security, but if you are, you can tase them and you'll be fine. I personally carry a basic 200,000 volt stun gun, but really any industrial grade taser should do.
Alright, so then, you can drive back home. A lot of people say you should have a temperature controlled van to make sure the tortoise survives the trip back to your house, but honestly, it doesn't actually really matter if it dies at that point. I'm actually going to go get my tortoise right now, so I'll be right back. Alright, great. So, I got my tortoise and I should be good to go.
So, at this point, the sauce and spaghetti should be done so we can mix in our pepper. Now, I like to go a little wild with the crushed red pepper, but that's just me. Well, now that the spaghetti and sauce is done, you'll want to lure the tortoise's head out with a stick, cut its head off with a butcher knife, and de-shell the rest using a boning knife, and then boil the meat. So, let's do that. Okay, that's done. Now, you can add the sauce to the pasta, and then add the turtle meat on top of the spaghetti, and it's good to go. There you have it. One easy, super healthy recipe. Enjoy! |
TheOnion | Jodie_Foster_Inspires_Teens_To_Come_Out_Using_Vague_Rambling_Riddles | And I want to be seen, to be understood deeply, and to be not so very lonely. No, I'm kidding, but I'm not really kidding, but I'm kind of kidding. I mean, thank you for the enthusiasm. Can I get a wolf whistle or something?
Jodie Foster is being hailed as a possibly gay icon after kind of coming out during a speech at the Golden Globe Awards. The actress has become a role model to LGBT youth who are taking her lead by also giving moving but confusing coming out speeches to their friends and family. Mom, Dad, I just want to come out and say that I'm here. I love who I love and I'm not who you never thought I wasn't going to be. I have a deep emotional bond with a person of a gender. I have to be honest and say something that's been on my mind and you already know it, so there it is. Foster's heartfelt speech has already spawned an awareness project supporting young people choosing to come out called, We Are All Single. Just kidding, but seriously, I am together in this room. Aside from maybe revealing her sexuality, Jodie Foster also either retired from acting or announced plans to continue acting in even more films. |
SaturdayNightLive | question_quest_snl | And now it's time to play question quest. the Question quest, I'm your host, Joe Viben. let's meet our quest testants. First up, she's a Quiz Bowl champion from Columbia University. it's Jen Cochran. Can't wait to play.
Shh! she's the oldest woman in the Navy. it's Michelle Johnson. No, I work at Old Navy. I'm 33. Last up, a security guard at a cereal factory, Angela Bates. they're after me, Lucky Charms. and he ain't gonna get them.
I like that. For our first question, we go to American History. the question is, who invented the Cotton Gin in 1793? Jen. Eli Whitney. that's right, Jack. let's tell her about her fries. Oh, wow. after one question, nice. Congratulations, Jen. you've won.
Wait, I won a tortoise? sure did. and I'll miss him. he's been mine since I was six years old, and now he's yours. Congrats. it's your tortoise? No, it's your tortoise. So you got him like 25 years ago? How long does a tortoise live? that's a great question. Questestants, how long does a tortoise live?
Michelle. 100 years. No, Angela? is it a corn or a flower tortoise? I think you're thinking of a tortilla. Jen. it can't be more than 100 years. more than 100 years is correct. 150 to 190, to be exact. it lives for 190 years? maybe more. everyone who studies them dies before they do. you're on a roll, Jen.
Jack, what's your prize? Congratulations, Jen. you've won a large crate of lettuce and peppers. these 40 pounds of roughage will provide up to one week of meals for Speedy, a 37-year-old desert sulcata tortoise, given to your host by his father when he was six years old, locking a miner into a 190-year contract, a contract that now belongs to you. Congratulations, Jen. I'm just not really sure that I can take care of a tortoise for the rest of my life. then kill him, tough Guy. You won't. our next question is from the world of Sports. who broke Roger Maris' record for the most home runs in an Mlb season? Michelle. St. Louis native here. that would be Mark Mcguire. that's right. Oh, thank God. does she get the tortoise? let's see, Jack. tell her what she's won. Three cars. if you pick, take all three, it's three cars. Congratulations, Michelle. that is not fair. Fine. I'll give Michelle and Angela a chance to steal Speedy away from you. all they have to do is answer one question, right. here it is.: What do these two men have in common?
Charles Darwin and Steve Irwin. they both studied animals. yes, but not what we're looking for. sand-color penis. probably, but not what we're looking for. Jen? I am not guessing anymore. Who cares? The answer is they both owned the same tortoise. What? that's impossible. it should be. it really should be, but it's not. Both Steve Irwin and Charles Darwin owned a tortoise named Harriet, who lived for 175 years. Is that not something? Oh, damn. If I won that little Dino so I can start my own Jurassic Park, and it comes with a side salad? you got it made! you can have the tortoise. Sorry, Jen. that's not how it works.
Speedy is yours until another player steals him back. Angela, since you seem to like Speedy, I'm gonna give you 12 chances to get this right. Here we go.: Which of Santa's reindeer has a red nose?
Speedy. that's the tortoise. Jesus Christ. Oh, right! Jesus! no. oh, oh! Eight-offs! eight-offs The Red-nosed Reindeer. really close. I. I can't, I can't, what the, I can't read that. what's that say? Rudolph. Rudolph is right! Nice job, Jen! No! yes! Speedy is all yours!
Why did you do this to me? Because it was done to me.
I'd say join us next week, but this was the first and last episode of Question Quest. I'm gonna start my new life. Good night! |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Avengers_Age_Of_Ultron | We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live long day, but that up there, that's the end game. How were you guys planning on beating that? Together.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at the new film Avengers, Age of Ultron, the latest in Marvel's blockbuster franchise about a team of superheroes who assembled to fight humanity's greatest threats and a movie that suffers from far too many scenes in which things other than superheroes are visible on screen. Buildings, roads, regular people, these are not superheroes, yet they are consistently shown throughout the film, oftentimes taking up a significant portion of the frame, a problem so glaring and obvious that it frankly makes this movie difficult to watch. Picking up shortly after the first film, Age of Ultron reunites the titular Avengers, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and the Hulk in an epic battle against the insidious artificial intelligence Ultron.
That's six superheroes. Six. From frame one, writer and director Joss Whedon drops the ball by overlooking glaring gaps of screen space like this room or this patch of sky that could have been vastly improved by plugging them with 10 or 20 more superheroes, 30 if you really squeeze them in. The taxi in this shot, for example, should be a superhero. All of these non-superpowered people should definitely be superheroes, some on the ground, some flying through the air. This woman should be a superhero, and this mountain should be a massive pyramid of superheroes. But sadly, the directorial missteps were obvious from the movie's opening title card when Whedon chose not to pose numerous superheroes in such a way that their bodies spelled out the letters of Avengers, Age of Ultron. Admittedly, there are several expertly choreographed combat sequences in which all the Avengers are packed tightly into the frame. However, if we freeze frame and look a bit closer, there are three empty pockets here, here, and here, which the producers could have easily filled with at least three additional superheroes. There are over 7,000 licensed Marvel superheroes out there, and every last one of them should be in this film. The X-Men, Ghost Rider, the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man. I say throw five Spider-Men in there. Dump in a bunch of Wolverines.
How about all the DC characters, too? Batman, Superman. There is room. Keep them coming until they blot out all the light. And the screen is literally a swarm of superheroes, so many that you can't possibly tell them apart. All I'm asking is to never have to look at anything that isn't a superhero. |
cracked | the_7_coolest_make_a_wish_foundation_wishes | I'm a badass make a wish I watch mythbusters And they inspired me to blow building up find that hill and fire glorious flag, and I count on you absolutely sir Today go to your inspector This is miles day.
We had a brilliant time I can't imagine it was more fun for him than it was for me If the Jew worked up quite an appetite the key to the city Only a little bit of cancer left So I was a recipient of the national fire safety scholarship this festival and as part of the reward I get to be the student liaison for that there are two firefighters here today Mike and Frank They're gonna come and just give you some fire safety tips for the end of the year stuff.
Hey, congratulations you guys when I started I weighed 375 pounds a couple years later.
I weighed 420 pounds Channing Tatum is a good friend to the fire department.
He made a sound and they sped it up That's Channing Tatum's voice in your house There you go.
He's one of my favorite celebrities Jesse St. Clemens Words can't express my appreciation and gratitude |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_252_Simon_Holmes_a_Court | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Tudor Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Hello and welcome back to Decode, the Tudor Advocates political podcast.
It's an exciting week for us here, Wendell Hussey, joined by Dior Dave in the studio here at the Desert Rock FM Studios. And we have an exciting guest who is going to be talking to us today.
One of, I'd say, the most powerful figures in Australian politics right now. Probably one of the most powerful figures in Australia. He's the man who turned the tap on for a teal bath at the 2022 federal election.
And it is, of course, Mr Simon Holmes of Court who dials in and is joining us today. Thanks very much, Simon. Thanks, Wendell, and great to meet you. You and Dave. Yeah, you too.
Now, I just want to start off by asking, going back a bit in your family, your great, great, great, great grandfather was a conservative UK politician in the 1700s. And so have a lot of men in your family been since then. How do you think he would feel about his descendant helping to tear apart the conservative stronghold in one of Britain's colonies? Well, certainly, yeah, a few interesting men in my family, family history.
I don't think that the Liberal Party really has been a conservative party for quite a while. I think it's been a reactionary party at times. It's been a populist party. But as far as protecting the institutions that make our society strong, I think the Liberal Party has let down conservatism. So I wouldn't say that I've betrayed conservatism at all. Look, I spent a fair bit of time trying to work with the Liberal Party to have them come around to the position of science on climate change.
And after many frustrations and rebukes, I thought, well, if change from the inside is not possible, then change from the outside, it's going to have to be. Yeah.
So I don't want to put words into your mouth, but would you say that if the Liberal Party has changed over time, would you call yourself a conservative? And do you think your politics have remained quite consistent during the time that you've been associated with the Liberal Party and now in your own movement? So I was never a member of the Liberal Party. I've worked with members of all parties, but I did spend a fair bit of time advocating too and helping members of the Liberal Party.
I'm a centrist, and I think most Australians are. We often talk about Liberal voters and Labor voters and Greens voters, but I think most Australians don't see themselves as left or right. Most Australians have pretty moderate views.
They believe in good financial management, but they also are socially fairly progressive. I think we sit in the middle and we have such a small palette to choose from when we end up going to the polling booth. I mean, if the candidates that put up in front of us generally are not ones that we've chosen, but they've been chosen by these very small clubs called political parties. They're tiny, tiny clubs. And the people who are members of them are not a cross-section of society. In many cases, it's dominated by older men. And a very small number of people who are ambitious put themselves up for pre-selection. They go through these elaborate rituals of building networks of obligation and favor.
And then those people get put on a ballot paper and we have to choose between them. And if we choose one way, we get called a Labor voter. If we choose the other way, we get called a Liberal voter or Greens or other minor parties.
What happened at the last federal election is that there was a record number of communities that put a candidate up and the communities went to great care to find people who represented the community, who were loyal only to that community, who are outstanding individuals, successful in their own right before they came to politics, who weren't going into politics because they had some great ego trip or had a lifelong passion for politics. But people who had been almost dragged to politics to represent the community, those people had a real chance to be put in front of the electorate at the last federal election and a whole bunch of them won a record number. There are now more people on the crossbench than there are Nationals MPs in the lower house. Quite a growing force.
We've never had a crossbench. Not in modern political history have we had a crossbench of this size.
Yeah, I think it's interesting what you mentioned there about those people who were kind of dragged into the political sphere. They're almost, you might say, actually representative of our democracy rather than just lawyers who joined the Labor Party at the age of 35 or young liberal staffers who work their way through and then end up getting a nice seat. It's often in the media depicted as a Simon Holmes Accord-backed teal independent or a Climate 200-backed teal independent. But we never, for example, hear about the club's New South Wales-backed Labor Party or the BHP-backed National Party. How do you feel when you constantly see the teal independents referenced as that? Yeah, I used to spend a fair bit of time talking to journos. When they'd publish something like, you know, that say, Simon Holmes Accord's candidate or Climate 200's candidate, I'd spend a fair bit of time trying to track down the journo and asking them if they could, you know, put in the same point. Yeah, why don't they talk about, you know, the Woodside prime minister or the Santos leader of the opposition or the club's New South Wales, as you said. And some journalists go, oh, yeah, you're right.
I've never thought of that.
And, you know, try a bit harder. Others clearly on a crusade to try to find this movement threatening. To the House view that politics belongs to the majors or particularly politics belongs to the Liberal Party is a dominant view, as you imagine in one part of the media. It is frustrating because this movement started long before I got involved. And, you know, I bristled at your introduction. I'm not the mastermind behind this movement and I don't really get to choose where it goes.
And I've, you know, Climate 200 even doesn't get involved in the establishment of community campaigns, never gets involved in the selection of candidates.
This movement started back in 2012 in the Northern Victorian seat of Indi. There was an active conversation going on in the community of why do all the young people keep leaving? Indi, you must see this kind of problem up in Victoria where young people look at the bright lights and people say, why are they leaving and not coming back? Well, it's a lack of educational, tertiary educational opportunities, no broadband, crappy public transport, very little remote working opportunities. All of these things made the city much more attractive. And a lot of people said, you know, I just can't see myself moving back to Indi until, you know, until retirement. They identified that one of the reasons is the community had been overlooked. You know, a lot of those things can be fixed, but the community had been taken for granted because it's been a liberal held stronghold for generations.
And they thought, well, the way to address this is let's turn the seat marginal. The only way to get attention in Australian politics is if your seat is contested.
So they set up a community campaign. They went looking for the best person they could find to represent the community. And they chose Cathy McGowan. You know, people often say Cathy McGowan started the movement. No, Cathy McGowan was the first community independent selected by a community group in the movement. They put, they ran this great community campaign.
It captured the hearts and minds in Indi and they won by only something like 457 votes. It was very, very tight. They didn't expect to win. They thought they'd just take it marginal, but they won.
And then Cathy McGowan was reelected in 2016. She signaled that she wanted to retire at the end of that second term. And so the community selected Helen Haines to run and Helen won and then just got reelected. That was in 2019 and got reelected in 2022.
So there's now sort of four elections in a row that community has chosen a community independent. And along the way, a group used a fairly similar model, but adapted, adopted for local conditions in Warringah when Zali Stegall was chosen by a community group, put up, community rallied behind and Tony Abbott lost his seat to Zali Stegall. And she was just returned with a greater primary. So this model started long before us. The media reporter is an overnight success in May, but it's been chugging along and growing quite strongly, obviously. I mean, I'd done some work with independence before and I had some understanding of this movement.
But what we saw is if these groups are gonna compete against the majors, then they need financial resources. They need to be able to advertise like the big parties do. They need a leg up to be on a level playing field with the majors.
And that's where Climate 200 came in. We're a crowdfunding campaign. We have 11,200 donors from every one of Australia's 151 electorates. Third of our donors are from rural and regional electorates.
So we've built this group who understand the value of the independence and are happy to help, keen to help them compete on a level playing field with the majors. And that's what happened last May. So I don't control who stands and who stands where and which communities do this kind of thing. But when we see the right things coming together in a community that mean that they're competitive, we're there to help. Yeah, I think it's interesting that you mentioned there as well that it's essentially leveling out the playing field and allowing independent voices to have the same resources as the major parties, which the major parties seem to be so angry about the fact that there are independent voices within the community who have basically resources to run a successful campaign against them. I did wanna know, and I just wanted to take it back a little bit.
Obviously, long lineage of businessmen, other people in your family, your brothers have been involved in business, you were involved in business before politics. One of your brothers, say, went and bought a rugby league team and got invested in the South Sydney Rabados and dedicated a lot of time to that. What made you choose politics over, say, buying the Hawthorne Hawks or picking up the Sydney Swans?
Yeah, I got involved in a community wind farm project about 16 years ago. My wife and I have a farm in central Victoria. It's around the great little town of Daylesford. And one morning, my wife came back from town saying there's this guy in the main street who's got this idea. He wants to build a community-owned wind farm.
You'd probably get on well with him. So I went the next weekend. He'd set up a card table in the main street every Saturday morning.
And he is a Danish national, Pierre Bernard's his name. And he's a local builder, but he grew up in Denmark where wind farms are owned by communities in general. Most wind turbines in Denmark are owned by farmers or local councils or individuals or cooperatives. And he had this vision to build a community-owned wind farm in Daylesford.
I thought, oh, it sounds like a good idea. I signed up on the mailing list and went along to a meeting where they were deciding whether or not the project would go ahead. I went in interested and I came out accidentally as the chairman of the organization. So I thought it would be like six months.
We would get all the money together, sign all the contracts and build it. And I could get on with my life, but it ended up taking about three years to raise the money and do all that other stuff and build the project all up. I was involved with the project for about eight years, but it put up two turbines on a hill a little bit south of Daylesford that generated as much power as the town uses and owned by the community. So through that, I got an understanding of the intersection, I guess, between renewable energy, community, politics, communication, raising money, all of it came together. And it really set me up understanding the power of what happens when a whole bunch of people locally get together and they have access to...
It's amazing, people often say, well, where are you gonna get the skills in a community? Or where are you gonna find the talented candidates? And they forget that Australia is full of talented and interesting people.
And they all live somewhere. They're all part of a community. We kind of discount the community at our peril because the communities with highly talented participants who are keen to make change, whether it's something very, very local and seemingly small like a renewable energy project, or whether it's a political movement that moves the dial in a formerly safe seat. Communities can come together and do amazing stuff when they're well-organized and when they've got a mission to be on.
And that's what happened at the last May election. So I, yeah, there's a direct line between what I did, the community wind farms and my involvement with the community independence movement. Yeah, it's nice to see that someone for once is kind of learning these lessons from overseas and applying them here rather than so many people in Australia who just shrug their shoulders and say, no, better things aren't possible. But I did wanna know, you spoke a bit about your own origin story and the origin of the Climate 200 movement. Would you say that there is much planning for the distant future?
Is there an end goal for the so-called teal movement or is it just taking it election by election? Well, the teal movement, if it's, we don't generally use the word teal because it's so much bigger than that.
Like no one called Cathy McGowan or Helen Haines teal, but that's so much the origins of the movement and Rebecca Sharkey and David Pocock are all part of this community independent movement, Andrew Wilkie down in Tassie. And there are about six independents that came second at the federal election, most of whom were in regional areas. So Alex Dyson, Rob Priestley, these are all came close and may well win next time.
So what generally the movement is, it is highly decentralized. It's people who want local representation. So that's their end goal. My end goal is that we have a parliament where there's a majority of MPs that support science-based response to climate change, that support rooting out corruption from politics and support advancing gender equity or the treatment of women, the treatment and safety of women in Australia. So basically climate integrity and women are three big issues that Australia needs to address. And I'm involved to the extent of trying to encourage a majority of MPs that feel the same way. And I think, yeah, we saw from the federal election that a majority of Australians do want those things, whether it was the independents or labor who had better policies on that end or the greens, we saw a very significant swing at the last federal election shying away from a decade of denial on those issues.
Look, we're big sports guys, Simon. It's colors, color-based things for us, red, blue, teal, gray, orange, green, you know, we're a rugby league country up here. That's how our brains work. Fair enough.
I wanted to know there, those are the three key issues at the moment, integrity, gender equity, and climate change. But say moving forward in the couple of election cycles time, we actually, God help us, have some progress on climate change, significant enough progress that a lot of people are basically agreeing we are moving in the right direction, things are happening, this is something that we can all get behind. And we have an integrity body, which is hopefully stronger than the one that's being proposed. And, you know, there is some progress and much more movement on the gender equity side of things. Does it look like a movement you'll continue to be involved in from the creating independent candidates standpoint and creating greater community representation? Or is there a little bit of a side of you that goes, okay, well, those are the key things I was really focused on, I might take a step back now. Or are you more now driven by basically ensuring greater community representation in politics?
Yeah, so yeah, independents are not new. They're like, I think the 95 that ran in, 95 independents ran in 2019. And I think 105 ran in 2022. So it's quite a lot. Most independents only get a few hundred votes and you never hear from them again.
This model, this new model where a community comes together and it's not driven by someone who puts their hand up and says, vote for me, it's driven by a community that says, we want representation. And they go out and find someone. I love that model. I think we end up with a better democracy when people are answerable to their electrodes rather than answerable to their factions, party, branches, donors. So often we'd look at the voting records of MPs and find, like Jason Falinski's voting record and Barnaby Joyce, Jason Falinski and Barnaby Joyce had basically the same voting record. I think there's a major failing with the party system that you end up having people whose loyalties are definitely to the party before it is to the seats they represent.
So I'm excited to be involved in a movement that is bringing democracy back closer to what it should be. And I'm really happy for as many community, really came and encourage as many communities to get involved. But personally, the ones I'm excited to help are the ones who are passionate about climate integrity in women.
Now, the candidates, we didn't choose their policy platforms. They didn't, they weren't given anything and any platforms.
And if you look at the candidates, they've all got their own things they're passionate about. Up in Indi, they're still passionate about getting the local hospital involved. And you'll find that's the, that'll be number one priority on one of the candidates that are community independent that ran up there at the state election was getting the local hospital.
Go for it. Like whatever issue matters in your area, go for it.
But if climate integrity in women also matter to you, then if you want to help, we'll do what we can to help you. Can't help everyone. We don't have the resources to do so, but we do try to help where we can make a difference and where we're welcome.
So what does that help look like for the Teal candidates on the campaign? And then how much does it change or transform if they do get elected and start serving in office? Yeah, and I'll just, again, I sort of bristle at Teal. We don't think of them as Teal.
It's useful for you guys, right? It's useful for the media because you need to have a label and community independence is a very, it's a big mouthful and I get it.
But I don't know, no one seems to call David Pocock a Teal or Rebecca Sharkey or Andrew Wilkie.
We're just as happy to help them. And in fact, we did help all of them and we will.
So, and there were plenty, the majority of the candidates we supported did not wear a color that was remotely close to the color Teal.
I think people are scared to call David Pocock anything I reckon, really. When I think of Pocock, I just think of the gold of the Wallabies jersey.
That's how I see him. Yeah, exactly.
He probably should have just run in his Wallabies outfit. That probably should have been his team jersey and would have done even better.
I think he's doing an outstanding job. I think people who didn't have an idea of the man beforehand thought of him as just a sporting personality. And he's showing himself to be a deep thinker, very, very sober in his decision-making, constructive, he's not doing stunts. He's just, I think he's an outstanding example of the kind of people we want to have in parliament. You don't see him, don't imagine that he's answering to any vested interest. He's in the public interest.
But so to your question, how does help look like? Well, okay.
So think about, one of the things I think is most exciting about this movement is previously parties have been necessary to run campaigns because it's a lot that goes on in running a campaign. But just like every other industry has been disrupted by technology and new business models, disruptions finally come to politics, allowing, now a small startup company can compete with the big guys just by picking a very particular thing and doing it really well. And you can start up a company and you can get yourself a virtual chief financial officer and you can advertise on Facebook like the majors do. You can get a contractor in to do whatever. You can build a small company that can compete against majors these days. And a community can now build a political campaign that can compete against the majors. You need to know there's a good lawyer in your midst. You need to have access to policy experts. You need to understand political marketing and all of the rules as well. You need political strategy, community engagement, running events, fundraising. All of these skills that come together so our community can compete against the majors.
And one of the skills that's very important is fundraising. And we work with campaigns to help them fundraise. At the federal election, in all the campaigns you will have heard of, we were actually minority funder. We provided well less than half of their funding, but we helped them at the critical early stages with say matching programs where we went out and said, you know, if you can raise 100 grand, we'll match it. And that really helped kickstart their fundraising. We taught them some fundraising skills and we've been doing similar things, but under much tighter constraints at the state elections at Victoria, New South Wales.
But also if campaigns come to us and they say, we've got no idea how to put together a phone banking program where you have peer to peer phone calls or how do you get a successful door knocking campaign together? We'll put them in touch with people who know this kind of stuff. We'll help them rapidly upskill so that they can get to the same kind of knowledge that the parties have developed over a very long time. So it's about being part of the ecosystem of people who are helping this movement grow.
So we're not directing it, but we recognize that you need fundraising to be successful, especially it's funny, the state campaigns are the major parties are almost totally funded by taxpayers for their campaigns. Whereas the independents have to raise every cent. It's a strange artifact of our donation laws that the parties have their campaigns paid for by the taxpayer. Whereas if you're an outsider, you have to fundraise the money yourself and fundraising is hard. So that's where we've provided a fair bit of advice to campaigns on how they can go about their fundraising.
We've got a question that we've made your bristle a couple of times. This one will probably make you bristle as well.
Wanted to know, obviously climate change, it's been something you've been passionate about for a long time, something you've been involved with campaigning for a long time. Do you have financial interests? I know you've come out previously and said that you don't have financial interests, but from a layperson standpoint, looking in and wondering why this very successful business person is so interested in climate change, is it purely an ideological thing or are there any financial interests behind it? So what I've been really clear, I've got something like two to 5% of my investments are in climate tech, which is a lot of people's super would be between superannuation funds, invest in renewables as well.
So I've never said I've got nothing, but it's relatively minor and its advisors keep saying, why have you not got more? Why have you not got more? It's probably, I haven't got more in this space because I haven't had, I've been completely distracted by this.
So over time, I imagine all of us will be investing more and more in decarbonization sector. But one point I will make is that most of my investments in this area are overseas. There's not a lot of opportunities in Australia and the investment that I do have in Australia will not actually benefit from more renewables. They will increase competition in the renewable space if we have more. So any idea that I'm passionate about climate action, because it'll, having more MPs in parliament would somehow help me financially is firstly a simplistic view and also wrong. So yeah, but why should- I was more just asking just from the huge financial opportunities in decarbonization and a clean future, like we've seen in the forest matching up with the New South Wales state government for a couple of billion dollar investment in hydrogen energy, which he will then be making money from.
So I was just checking in from that. Yeah, there definitely are huge, huge opportunities for Australia. It's funny, we've spent most of the last decade talking about the costs of energy transition. Yeah, take my hat off to Ross Garnaut who's been banging on for nearly a decade now about the opportunities for Australia are immense. One thing, he's put out a book end of last year that talks, so we hear often that Australia's only 1.3% of global emissions. And I think, oh, that's great.
We only have to deal with 1.3% of global emissions. We don't have to do that a lot. We've just got this little slice that we need to deal with to do our bit.
Ross goes further and says that actually Australia is in a great position to reduce global emissions by about 7% additional, about 7% of the world's emissions are in industries that would be much easier in a decarbonized environment to have in Australia. So Australia has an opportunity to reduce global emissions massively and be paid for it. Not only have we got boundless planes that are absolutely drenched in sunlight and blowing a gale across many of them much of the time. So we've got a global advantage in cheap energy, but we also have a massive advantage in the critical minerals of the decarbonization. Few people realize that about half the world's lithium comes from Australia. You know, every EV that's driving around, half of the lithium that's gone into those electric vehicles has come from Australia, where a significant global miner of copper and nickel and all sorts of minerals that are gonna be critical for this transition. So the opportunities for Australia are immense.
And yeah, there's a lot of things I could be doing other than helping communities find representatives and get them into parliament. But it's been a highly rewarding journey so far of just the people I've met, the optimism, people who have been completely disengaged from democracy. So many of us have felt shut out from democracy and it's supposed to be ruled by the people, but most of us have felt like it's not something we'd either wanna get involved with or can get involved with. And on election day last May, there were 20,000 people around the country volunteering for the community independence. And so many of them said, it's the most fun they've had in many, many years.
Simon, thank you very much for joining us today. It was great to chat to you. I just had to make you bristle one last time. Appreciate it. The man behind the community independence. Thank you very much. Appreciate all your time. Talk to you soon. Thanks Wendell. Thanks Dave. Thank you. |
dropout | a_male_artist_tries_to_draw_feminine_products_that_he_s_never_seen_before | Hi guys, I'm Caldwell. I'm Emily. And I'm Siobhan. Emily and Siobhan have prepared a list of feminine products I have never seen before, and now I'm going to attempt to draw them on this tablet right here, then we'll look up what they actually look like, and maybe learn a thing.
It shouldn't be that hard, right? Alright, it shouldn't be that hard.
Let's start the drawing. Are you sweating already?
It's got to do with babies, right? Is it to catch the baby? Well, I mean, I guessed it eventually. Actually, yes. Okay, so it's to catch the baby.
It's a very, very big wine glass. And it's studded with jewels of the birth month. Like the way that you make that look like it's a sparkling ruby. First, I was like, that looks like a nip wine. So again, just to recap, Diva Cup is a goblet, a giant goblet, that the doula, or some other holistic birth companion, uses to catch the baby.
Is that correct? No. You were kind of correct because it's like for catching menstruation, which is technically... Oh. Yeah, it just could have been baby. Yeah. Should we look up a picture? Yeah. Okay. I mean, I was kind of right. It's like a goblet, but without like the full stem. Right.
And you just put it right inside your body. I kind of wonder though, like I wonder if I've ever had a roommate that was like washing her Diva Cup in the city, right? This is going to be the... So if it's inside a lady, it's probably going to be shaped like a lady.
Wait, so I'm sorry, does her uterus go down to her thighs? I mean, this is just an...it's not like this is not the uterus. Is that what you think the uterus is? No, it's just an X-ray.
It's just a standard. Fine. I'll add some like... There it is. Yes, that's a much more accurate.
It looks like a tree. It looks like a tree, yeah.
Uh-huh. It's all yout right there. It is like funk. There he is. I think that IUD is like a...it's an in utero disease. So this is like... Oh. Yeah.
Her uterus has become a fallow, like gross cave.
I'm going to draw like a little... Any creatures living? Yeah. Good, good. A little...a little Vigalum, I guess is what I'll call it. He's just living in there.
I hate when I get Vigalum. I love how in spite of all of this, the vagina is still smiling.
That's like... I think that's like a good strategy. If you ever need to draw something to draw comfortable with, just like draw a smiley face instead. Do you guys want to look up what it actually is?
IUDs? Yes. So an IUD is an into utero and device. But it's a horrifying one. Yes. Oh.
Look at that thing. It's like a grappling hook inside you. A grappling hook. This looks like three things you get in a Zelda dungeon. Why would you ever put that inside you?
No. I know what a male condom looks like, so I feel like I've got some idea for this one. But I don't know. Like, I don't think...
I mean, honestly, just look in my drawer. So many. Like, bursting out every time Emily goes in. She's like, do I have any snacks in here? And then they just like... Like a snake in a peanut jar. It's like, oi oi oi oi. That's all my trojans.
I'm going to draw the classic one. Before, like, you know, modern science got ahold of it. This is kind of like the one that they would use, like, in the, you know, thirties and forties, I think.
Uh-huh. Which is your skull belt attached to it. So then whenever you're around, like, you can see under a woman's shirt, you're like, oh, she's wearing her same outfit. She's ready to go. Yeah. She's got to be ready at any time. Yeah.
To have super, super... Boy, howdy. Super, super plastic sounding sex.
Honestly, my neighbor's complained about the crazy.
Do you guys want to see what these actually look like? Yeah. Okay, good. Oh, look at this. You have to, like, stick it up that way. Oh, there's like an inner ring. What is it? Oh, man. That, like, stays up in there. Oh!
Also, it really is just, like, putting your dick in the trash. Wow! So that's what mansplaining feels like. It sucks.
Guys, thanks so much for all you've taught me. Hopefully, you guys learned a couple things as well. Join us next week when I actually try out all these products on my own body.
Why did I agree to that? And to watch more videos, click here. And click here if you think that the Queen of England should still be the Queen of America. |
cracked | why_we_all_take_selfies_and_why_that_s_great | Hi, I'm taking a selfie does that make me an asshole Okay, most of us are guilty of you pose and you snap a selfie But I had a warning for parents harmless selfies can turn into something a little worse harmless selfie can turn into something worse Selfie obsession the year of the selfie selfie nation selfie nation according to television, which would never half-ass an idea only millennial narcissists have ever taken selfies like this and this and this and and The term selfie was only coined in 2002, but people have been taking them for years People like Ansel Adams man Ray Alfred Stieglitz Vivian Meyer Ouija Cindy Sherman Heck the greats even sent us dick pics and between October 2012 and October 2013 the terms use went up 17,000 percent Why the easy explanation is that anyone with a smartphone can snap one?
There's an amazing episode of PBS ideas channel Which you should be watching where Mike Rugnetta says selfies aren't even photographs in the conventional sense But are a show don't tell expression of our current state More visual than a tweet and easier to manage than a face-to-face interact How many face-to-face interactions do you have every day where you really look each other in the I know filter the selfie exists in a magical land of curated tweets and carefully selected Instagrams where everyone's funny and no one ever looks bad and that can be Lonely we're not taking selfies because we're greedy for extra attention for extra people holding our faces in their Bodies we're taking them because getting to be looked at by anyone is harder than ever before So next time you want to hate on someone for de-stressing Self-affirming and saying I exist and that matters through the harmless and cost-free practice of taking a selfie just unfollow or Else keep scrolling without bitching damn because otherwise you're hating on a noble artistic and Communicational tradition that helps all of us feel less alone as soon as it gets a few likes Okay, great this should have a like And a small comment be one CEO BG to will pass by tonight coming closer to earth than the moon's orbit Okay team Gather round.
Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money?
They don't have if you phrase it differently than that then yes, if you want to smoke go behind the electro nuclear plant next door I feel like if I'm nice they walk all over me, you know, yeah Yeah Alright assholes.
Listen up We just got superpowers |
dropout | desktop_prank | What the hell man, what is it? Look at your desktop.
Oh my god. Oh man.
What is that? It's an old fashioned prank son. It's my parents having sex and it's on your desktop. What? I better picture my parents having sex and now it's on your desktop. Hey that's not a prank on me man. What? Sarah, look at this. What are you doing? The nearest parents having sex.
I'm not even enjoying it. Come on, stop. This is a prank for you, not for her. Stop. Okay, no. I don't want you to be embarrassed.
I know. Oh my god. I should send this out. Streeter!
Don't come on. Stop it. Cassels, come here. No, don't come here. Please. I'm begging you. Please do not come.
It's not. It's a joke. It's a prank.
Please. What are you doing? The nearest parents having sex. Come on. Stop. It's just a prank for you.
Look. There's nothing to look at.
Prank over. Okay? Everyone has fun.
Put my monitor back. Put it back up.
I want to prank you but you made me feel bad about it. You know for your next prank you should just like piss your pants in public.
That'd really get me. You think so? That'd be pretty good. Is there another picture on you?
Don't open it. |
cracked | atlas_shrugged | Who's asking? Someone who knows what it's like to work for himself and not let others feed off the profits of his energy. Who are you? We found a note. What did it say? It said, who is John Galt?
You're the worst of railroad accidents in recent history. A Taggart transcontinental freight train has crashed and derailed.
I have to get the real North, they completely re-railed in nine months, but not gambling your new metal can do what you say it can. I'm staking my business on it. Nobody's used rear-to-medal. Why do we have- Attractable, you're ruthless, your only goal is to make money. My only goal is to make money. Yeah, but you shouldn't say it. Bring Reardon down. We should do it from the inside. Placing a moratorium on all railroad funds. Can't afford to allow the expansion of a company which produces too much. The federal tax will be applied to all steel belts. They are not getting my metal. We'll find a way to fix this. You and your brother try to undermine me or go to the government- Maybe you should let me- Maybe you should let me finish speaking.
We're not gonna allow you to run that train. Would that train be fine if I had to drive the damn thing myself? We're not gonna allow you to run that train.
To a successful business partnership. I'll drink to that. |
cracked | last_guy_to_wear_a_hitler_mustache_in_america_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Frank presents stuff that must have happened! It's nice. The desk is far away. Well, take a seat. Sure. I'm gonna be frank about this.
It's about the mustache. Well, that's a weird way to say promotion, but uh... Mustache, Ralph. Oh, so now he wants one too? It'll make your head look less fat, but sort of my calling card.
You seen any papers recently, Ralph? Or films? Yeah, basically anything about the world currently. Yeah, 1939. Can't say I keep track! Not a news guy.
You know? Uh, yeah. Yeah.
This is, uh, what's-his-face. Trying to rock the Ralph? Yeah, I seen that guy. He's, uh... I think he's a boat captain or something. Not a boat captain. And nobody's calling it the Ralph. They're calling it the Hitler. I don't see why. My name is Ralph.
Remember, this comes from a place of concern. You're gonna want to shave that. Yeah. Listen, I was wearing this before anybody. Yeah, nobody else is wearing it.
It's just you and Hitler. Hardy? From Laurel and Hardy? That's a joke, Ralph. Chaplin? Clowns, Ralph. Your facial hair puts you in a class occupied solely by clowns. And Hitler.
So it's getting some bad press because of some jerk. I mean, that'll blow over, right?
Never.
Ever.
Whoa!
Don't! Jeez. Getting hot in here? You are not doing yourself any favors with that haircut, Ivan.
Okay. You have to get rid of it. All of it. The whole thing.
Oh, what? You gonna fire me if I don't cut my hair? I mean, what is it? Some kind of fascist regime of some kind? Something like that? I need this job.
I got nine kids. I know. Nine!
I don't want to say it out loud, but you know who you sound like right now, right? Do you think of calling him in here? You think of bringing him to in here and asking him to shave? Did anybody think of that bright idea? I'm seriously asking you then. You think I could get him in this office? You think I should get him in this office? And when he's here, I should use it as an opportunity to tell him to shave for Ralph? I'd like that, yeah.
It's not gonna happen. Not gonna happen, Ralph.
You're retarded. You're retarded, Ralph.
It's not fair with just two dudes, you know, with sick, awesome stashes. And I gotta fundamentally change my appearance just because this guy, I don't even know, stole a bike or something? I mean, you know, what's his thing?
Oof. Yeah, yeah. Right, well, who has it on a... Oh, okay, you mean literally. Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, that makes sense. Well, okay then. I will shave. Hey, I can still keep my manji shirt, though, right? It's, uh, Buddhist. It means luck. Yeah, that seems fun. Yeah, I don't see any problem with that. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_89_Tommy_Murphy | Welcome back to the Battuta advocate radio show you're joined today by myself clancy overall editor and editor at large Earl Parker, how are you Earl? Great to be here Now today's guest we're interviewing is a bit of an icon of the arts if you will Battuta advocate We interview all kinds of people in this radio show sports sports stars politicians Artists graffiti artists we've even interviewed graffiti artists and Just general troublemakers. Today's guest is in the world of theater an actual film He's an absolute titan of the industry Clancy. His name's Tommy Murphy He's a Sydney based Australian playwright screenwriter adapter and director He's behind the play and movie holding the man Which you might know if you were a big fan of AFL football Mark Hobbins kidney was another play he presented This week. He's in the studio to talk to us about his newest production, which is called Packer and Sons and You know, it's there's been a lot of talk of this kind of media dynasty of late There's been the loudest voice Russell Crowe playing Roger Ailes Talking about Fox News that that program went off like a hit in Australia particularly and of course Succession on HBO which kind of delves into the Murdoch family Packer and Sons stage production by Tommy Murphy Delves into the family dynamics of you know the iconic Packer family generational wealth generational influence and Intergenerational pain and trauma so you don't actually hear too many stories about the Packers because obviously there's still quite a legacy there and they Have a lot of interest in media and a lot of people don't tell these stories But Tommy's done the research and he's here today to talk to us about succession 2.0 Packer and Sons You You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM Well, welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live from Baxter Boots studios here in downtown Batutah This week Errol and myself Clancy Overall have been joined by another Iconic rural Australian storyteller, I guess you'd say Queen Bien is rapidly becoming out of metropolitan But you know when you were there, it was rural Tommy Murphy playwright and writer director.
Thank you for joining us great to be here now You're the second Queen Bien Resident that we've had on the podcast. Did you have George Lacenby on? No, we had New South Wales deputy premier John Barilah, yeah, there's a lot of people from Queen Bien like this.
Um, yeah, Alan Jones a race car driver Mark Webber, I know Mark Webber is he was my neighbor. But um, and I went to school with Balara's cousin I mean, this is yeah small town, but you sure the Alan Jones one is true.
Yeah, you want to Google it? Camp easy Camp easy is definitely yeah and George Lacenby and of course Omar Musa is born in Melbourne lived in Queen Bien for a little bit Wow left. Yeah, I didn't know that one. That's where he learned all that about cars Now tell us getting into theater in Queen Bien. How was that? Was that something that was on offer?
Yeah, actually it was yeah It was really well supported by the local council and like if you showed enthusiasm about something like that There was even like an arts officer at the council who just like grabbed me and wanted to help so we put on a we put on like plays and stuff in a little church hall there and there was this some Retired guy had come to Queen Bien who had been a cameraman for news and stuff and a stringer and He was very enthusiastic about and and helped us. So yeah, it was it was probably a good place to you know Be a kid interested in theater Yeah, it's an interesting way people can find these things and opportunities are a kind of everywhere for the arts I mean if you're looking for them, is that what yeah Yeah, and I think if if you're sort of most kids are probably into sport So, you know, there's a few of us who are unusual and so they just encouraged us Yeah, now you have made a bit of a name for yourself over the years Holding the man actually was an adaption you you put on stage first, but right now you're in the midst of Arguably Australia's very own version of secession Packer and sons. Yeah, you were the man who decided to run the ball up and burn those bridges to tell the story of Kerry Packer and because I'm just a bit of a bit of backstory for our listeners as Two very prominent play houses down in Sydney. There's Belvaugh and the STC. That's right Yeah, STC is the darling of the Packer family or would they have it they have a theater named after Ross? Yeah Yeah, because your shows on the Belvoir was this a bit of a shot across the bow of No, not at all. I also write for that company as well. So I hope Yeah, I mean like Obviously the Packer family have been very generous to the arts, but I think with all philanthropists in the arts They understand what the arts is.
So I don't think anybody gives to the arts, you know It's a sort of protection or control of it. And I think they give to the arts because they want it to be Unbounded so yeah, and I don't think this play is in any way means it's a critical play But it's not mean spirited. Yeah, not malicious not malicious So you didn't meet any resistance along the way from some faceless men or women, you know Who came out of the woodwork and said maybe this isn't the best career move Not as I mean look we had to be obviously, you know Careful, we have to make sure that we're telling the truth Or that when we're doing the things that you need to do to tell a good Story in the theater, you know Sometimes you have to merge some things you have to alive time and place a little bit and you also have to imagine What was said in rooms that you didn't have access to but you can do all of that anchored in research And you know, we had to be accurate I Don't think we're careful.
I think we but I think that it's Truthful. Yeah. Hmm.
Now you didn't get obviously any phone calls from a cow late at night. Just telling you to drop it, right?
You know, there's a lot of a lot of chats with lawyers about our script How did you go about compiling all of this all of this research? Like you obviously must have read a few Biographies there are a lot of biographies. I mean, it's great There's great biographies by Paul Barrie by Bridget Griffin Foley more recently No one by Damon kidney, which arrived pretty late in the process for me But um, I thought was probably the most well exposing accurate Portrayal of James that I had come across And so it sort of affirmed some of the choices that we were making But more than than looking at the published material we were also I was interviewing a lot of people spending a lot of time in libraries and Trying to even though I'm a playwright trying to be journalistic about it trying to make every conversation lead to the next conversation You know what? I found though was that people do like to pile on a little bit about the Packers I mean sometimes with good reason but and there are a lot of myths about the Packers I think sometimes the Packers are the best, you know perpetrators of those myths But there are there was a lot of fact-checking I had to do and there was more than one person I spoke to who I thought had a bit of an agenda against the Packers even a very credible journalist that I thought no that doesn't Doesn't sound right to me, you know, yeah, you might be able to find him on Monday nights on the ABC No, no, not at all.
No Paul Barrie was very helpful. It's very helpful. Yeah, I spoke to him a few times now I'm indebted to Paul.
So where did the spark for this come from? I mean like it's it's it's a pretty controversial thing to do in the art world is To go after I I don't know some of it's circumstantial for me because I enjoy I've enjoyed the experience of telling true stories I like that You know combination of something that's got a foot in the camp of documentary or journalism, but then also is a Dramatic retelling of a story. So some of my projects have sort of bounced across that, you know Holding a man Mark Colvin's kidney they took true stories And so this was a natural extension of that But I also just I guess I'm interested in ways that we might hold the powerful to account It's been interesting to see how this has been received because Packer and Sons Isn't a satire and that's normally what we do with the powerful in Australia we're so good at you guys know this straight into very good at satire and That's that's sort of what I think our first audiences came into the theater expecting Yeah, and it's a funny play in parts, but there's something darker going on So we've become better and the actors have become better at navigating that. Yeah from when it is It's never absurd, but it is sort of larger than life and funny. But um, then it goes to something probably Well, I think you'd call it almost tragedy.
Yeah. Well, there was um Obviously there was the Rupert and speaking of satire in play there was the Rupert the story of the Murdoch's Yeah, so David Williamson's done a play about about the Murdoch's. Yeah, so years ago Yeah, yeah, and the and the and the Packers were portrayed in that is all because it was a comedy is like You know these heathen kind of other dynasty that yeah the new money We what have you found the differences between those families? Well, we also have the Murdoch's as as the rival kingdom that you could you have to include that story It's interesting to find out that Frank Packer Kerry's father is alleged to have said that Rupert Murdoch is the son he never had who so there was sort of there was a there was a rivalry all the way along and Interestingly when both young Packers James and young Kerry try to prove their mettle to their fathers It's Rupert Murdoch that they go to so young Kerry wants to try and sell dad's telegraph and He strikes a deal with Rupert at the Horden pavilion on the night that he takes him to see a boxing match It's a real proof of his abilities and his intention that was done in the back of the cab, wasn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't do the scene in the back of the car because it was some too theatrically restrictive So yeah, we do it at the Horden pavilion and a sort of anteroom and then yeah Obviously James when he has this Vision for one tell it's Rupert that he has to go and you know One tell what's I'm guessing one tell to us and we often talk about one tell on the podcast is a hilarious moment in Australian you know private schoolboy adventures, but I'm sure that was pretty dark as well what you saw happen between yeah, it's the boys Yeah, I had this shot at coming out of dad's shadows and really got bumped back in That's exactly what they're trying to do. That's exactly what's at stake for those characters But I think it's important to remember that one tell at the start is a pretty good idea Yeah, I'd say a very good idea. I spoke to this executive he won't let me name him, but he was very very helpful and He described a moment early on when James Packer pulled out a mobile phone and I reckon this must have been around 1995 that's when when James first invested in one tell but he was saying to his dad and he's and he's and he's Mates that this is the future that this this is where it's all going to go and I think that is a really early at that stage was a pretty prophetic idea and and particularly at someone who had control of a television company and knowing that advertising that the version of the kind of Classifieds and that television would eventually be on small screens like that Kerry was having none of it and nor would it know what he said and he didn't have to live long enough to see Himself be wrong now. He also actively resisted it, you know, he really resisted that new media stuff And and and that's that's the sort of the heart of the drama At least the second act of Packer and Sons is that James is trying to bring the family Enterprise into this new era and his father is refusing it to be true. And I guess also in a kind of Theatrical idea is refusing to die Do you reckon the story that you know, obviously gets bandied around you know when you kind of hear about that era of Channel 9 and how it was a family company and there was Richie Benno and there was all these people that were all good friends and there was World Series cricket and then there was the Binfire that was a Super League and they had all of these things and it often the stories that have been recounted It just shows these Packers just being so hard on the next generation So cold do you reckon there was a lot of daddy issues a lot of kind of damaged goods in each generation? Yeah, that's that's really the idea of this play actually that it's in a way not only to tell a story about Business, but also about an intergenerational Brutality even an intergenerational trauma, I think you know, so Frank Packer was an extremely tough father He must have thought that it was love but to be calling his sons fatty and dumb-dumb To be punishing them and making them compete with each other He did things also that which I think is sort of perverse. He he I spoke to Francis Packer who is Clyde Packers son, so he's James's Cousin and would have been Yeah, he would have been air that but but that Clyde had a falling out with with sir Frank and and he described to Me this sort of perverse Farthering that sir Frank had where he knew what the boys were good at he knew that that Clyde had had an inclination for Magazines and was more intellectual and he knew that Kerry who was dyslexic didn't didn't like that side of the business and had a had An instinct for television, but he made Kerry going to Cleo He made Clyde take be the man co-managing director of Channel 9 to make them work for it against against what they were naturally You know and you see those type of maneuvers from Kerry towards James as well Were there any any particular horror stories or not horror so you might even have them in from boyhood, you know You hear these stories about being put on a bus Yeah, we refer to that one that legendary.
So what what happened and what generation was that?
So that's Kerry was sent back to Geelong from Sydney when he forgot a tennis racket Yeah, and he was made to travel all of that way to teach the boy a lesson. I've also heard Another one about James. Yeah When he was at school his coach told him to put the pads on the rugby post and He walked back over to the Rolls-Royce and he knocked on the window and he got the driver to do it Well, I haven't heard that one and when and when Kerry discovered that, you know, that was a He had held a pay for that apparently. No, I hadn't heard that story, right? There's the famous one that many people have told it in one of Paul Barry's books but many people have told the story of of James being made to face a cricket machine, which was a modified baseball pitching machine at you know, ink sort of impossible speeds and Yeah high stakes later to teach your son. Yeah, the boy needs to learn.
Yeah What have you kind of Found did you find yourself because you know, a lot of people are gonna be listening to this now and thinking, you know Poor little Ridge boys, you know what I mean? Yeah, how do you stop yourself from overly humanizing these elite? elite 1% Australians My job is to humanize them. Yeah, and that's what we do and I've had I've had some people sort of you know, saving me How dare you've made me you made me feel for the package, you know, because it's and it's a complex sympathy But this is a story of a suffering but within that, you know, what is the goal and the goal is is greed So I hope that the audience maybe do locate themselves in this story and and recognize their own their own greed or envy and the way that money might Dominate or myself as well like might dominate our thoughts too much But at the end of the day, this is the story of humans and and hopefully there's a universal story to extract from it about a craving for love and also the damaging way that we train a Next generation particularly boys what we tell them is necessary to be men You know, which I think is is brutal. Yeah, there's an element as well with this with this particular family Which I suppose makes them so iconic in that same kind of Bob Hawke esque way Despite all their experiences and their education or their you know, they never really sounded too different to the everyday Australia Isn't that amazing? Yeah, I find that so interesting.
They were always the richest people Yeah country for chip for generations. Yeah, and imagine the difference say in the UK Yeah, if you had you know, this is for generations of huge wealth going back to RC packer at the you know The beginning of last century just sound like new money kind of mining barons Well, they just sound like someone not that different to someone out west. Yeah I mean, I think that's why classes is so elusive It's so difficult for us to examine class in Australia for that reason Because that would be old money the generationally I mean for generation has mania to Melbourne to yeah to Sydney Yeah, and not only money influence. I mean like really influence that's been Held its way particularly in this New South Wales, but also not nationally since at least the 1920s Yeah, that's the real power real you know and we've interviewed our mark Burris on here before and he's kind of the quintessential example of someone that came from the western suburbs and made his money and got out of lunch bowl and and he says He's never have to really experience that you know, you get a seat at the table eventually if you're worth enough we've you know, you can a Bloke II bloke and you're gonna be you know a part of a certain model of bloke But he never had that trouble. He said maybe in Melbourne You'd see it a little bit more of the you know behind the hedges a kind of aristocratic culture But it is changing in Sydney a bit too and and and in Brisbane too, you know You get people like Malcolm Turnbull who sound different, you know And that's and do you think that has had an effect on the family now where they kind of you can't get away with the?
Cowboy stuff anymore. Oh I don't know because I think there is both there is still a real fondness for the packer family and I think they are still really held in a special regard because of their Character and also for what they have done to sort of shape the nation's character with the way that we're entertained the way that we've You know and a fondness that we have for a kind of golden age that we see as Australia at its best It's interesting talking about this idea of blokiness as well because that really is a subject of the play I don't think you could have a more supreme alpha male Then Kerry Packer and and that's kind of what we wanted to put on stage and make that its most sort of Grotesque, you know as a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s those, you know, remember those rubbery figures. I Kind of in a way in my mind the rubbery figures kind of merged with the real people And so looking at Kerry Packer as a kid, he's kind of like one of those rubbery figures.
Just so Grotesque. Yeah. Yeah an alpha male in the sense that Also quite pathological.
Yeah, he knew when to put his feet on the table in you To cough at you everything is an expression of power all of that, you know the way people describe what his office looked like that he's that he his chair was effectively this throne that where he sat was elevated that he would sort of starve his the people that he was in a meeting with when each in front of them that there was a Painting of charging elephants and a lion behind his desk, you know, I mean these are big not subtle And you can't really teach that like You don't learn that in an MBA courses. No, no, no you learn it being so Frank Packer's son Yeah, and that heart of sir Frank keeps on beating in Kerry I spoke to this executive who described this incredible moment where a very high-ranking Executive was sort of being mauled by Kerry for hours And and he was there as a sort of audience to this and at one point Kerry caught his eye the other executive couldn't see it and he just gave a little wink and he's just enjoying the performance of it And I'm sorry brutal Anyone ever in your records tell him to get fucked. It's interesting speaking to people who who? were told Yeah, look there were people that when they took it up to Kerry when they showed strength back to him They were respected for that. Absolutely. I'm thinking of another executive from another company that was accused of sort of spending Kerry's money badly and got a very alarming phone call from him and just took him to task on the facts and Earned his respect and I heard a few stories like that that if you dared to take him on he respected that But when he spot when he spotted weakness, apparently it was it was horrific to watch What do you think say if Kerry had lived a different lifestyle and lived as long as Rupert Murdoch did? Without you know, the burgers and the soft drink and chain smoking And the sedentary lifestyle and the yelling and the blood pressure and all that would probably contribute to his early death Where do you think the Empire would be now? Well, I don't think you can get the Packers without that feeling of of mortality Yeah, and that the story that we tell is definitely about their mortality That there is a ticking clock on being a packer that they all feel You know RC Packard died young he's his son Frank Packard barely outlived him all of them And because of the health struggles that Kerry endured with kind of superhuman strength But he was a very sick man from his early 50s really since that's when the heart attacks began So they always operated with with a awareness that life is short That's that's part of a bit like the Kennedys you'd say with the kind of yeah, that's an interesting it's interesting But that that feels more like a curse whereas this feels like the body letting them down.
Yeah Now can you tell us a little bit more about kind of in the backdrop of you releasing this play you've seen we've seen this a couple programs that kind of delve into Australian well, I guess you'd say things that Australia's given the Western world and given kind of global democracy Which is the Roger Ailes? Documentary the loudest voice which kind of tells a little bit into the Packers but also media empires Yeah, and of course a session. Yep Six session how have you kind of do you think there's a taste for it now? Obviously you've just come from a place where you wanted to explore this but have you timed it in kind of a well There's something in the zeitgeist. We're looking at entitlement. I think we're questioning who has Power and and who hasn't had to previously question their power So we're asking we're telling stories about that And I think also obviously media is going through such a mammoth Reshaping that it's interesting to be looking at the old versions of that and and and that flux at the moment as well But particularly, you know I think the other interesting thing is is that we're telling stories about Reprehensible people at times as well that they're not necessarily likeable characters and I find that fascinating as a dramatist I find people that you don't naturally like That you might see as other but be surprised to locate yourself in is a really compelling way to make a story now had you come out and be like had you been born 20 years 30 years earlier and I had you know experience kind of Ended up in that world doing what you do in in the channel 9 world.
Do you think you could have been friends with them? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah as part of me that really obviously it admires them as well.
Yeah, absolutely Well, it's at some level there is an incredible intuition and instinct for creating entertainment for knowing what the populace wanted to see And Kerry's instincts for that are just Incredible so the every manness of it all yeah He's famous for sort of being able to boast that he knew the price of chops out in Parramatta and things like that but I think in the way that he led Cleo and and with Ida buttros and also the way that he reshaped Channel 9 he certainly knew how about popular storytelling Do you think they had a positive effect on on Australian democracy in in in in their full? Australian media kind of monopoly era. No, because I think they had an out weighted influence over politics I think that they see think of Sir Frank having prime ministers in his pocket throughout all of his reign And Kerry's very similar. I mean politicians Deferred to them and were frightened by them and I think that out weighted influences is very problematic And and I think there are very real questions about the process that led to the Barangaroo casino as well And and those questions are going to be examined soon in a public inquiry, but it's worth asking whether public approval processes that were Were they? Hastened were they skipped, you know, all of those things that we're going to be looking at now are very real questions So everything leads back to them. I suppose you could argue the lockout laws in Sydney You could argue the kind of gambling culture of Australia right now. You could argue. I guess the state of Australian sport Well, there's a there's a huge a huge influence by the family I mean I think that um, the their their move towards gaming was recognizing a trend probably that was already happening In Australia and was smart business, you know looking at it. I think it's kind of a pity that the business went from Media Television something that is a you know the heart of society and probably a good thing for society to then moving into gaming which um, You know, this is I think pretty much of a ill on on our society Just quickly before we go.
I just want to take it back to your Process when you write your stories once you had all the information together, you know Do you start with a plan and you go back through and you say alright? This is how the story is gonna go and then you write it or do you just kind of? Get it started then kind of Wade If you get to the end a bit of both and then you you replan at every draft as well And then we looked even just in rehearsals We look at every scene and say so what what is this bit doing to contribute to the story? And why is it there particularly with a research-based play, you know, there's no point just just just conveying research to an audience you've got to ask what are the characters doing to each other to get what they want and And what is the the more deeply felt?
Emotional part of this story rather than otherwise you just write newspaper articles about one tell or whatever, you know Can you just can you quickly tell us because there was a pivot and we've kind of spoken about the influence and and the new level that Kerry Packer took this dynasty to and like, you know, the you know changed Australian media and and and many facets of it what happened with Sir Frank and Clyde the oldest that the heir apparent the falling out. Yeah. Well, you have to see the play. Yeah so we You know my understanding is that after years of sort of brutal fathering Clyde couldn't have it anymore and he threatened to leave and then did sort of resign But I believe that he did that to demonstrate himself essential And that ploy did not work because in the meantime Kerry, you know showed himself to be resourceful and and to be a the real leader and And Clyde never got his foot back in the door. There is some some of that is contentious that history I spoke to people who differ on what Clyde's reasons were for doing that and whether there was a piece a truce between Sir Frank and Clyde on his deathbed and in our take on the story we do State that yeah that they did make it up make up But it was too late and and Kerry was destined to become Australia's richest person Well, we are we look forward to seeing it ourselves We will be down in Sydney doing a bit of a bit of a run around in the next couple weeks Sorry that I don't get sued.
I should say that the play doesn't cover any of the stuff about Barangahara All right, when does it end in timeline was what well I could be giving you away a little bit of a secret there but it it's Look, it spans about half a century. Okay. Yeah, so it doesn't go into any of James's recent. Okay difficulties So yeah, it sort of ends at the turn of the century. It would have been tough to find a Mariah There's no Mariah in this play Thanks for joining us Tommy Murphy You |
cracked | 9_types_of_coworkers_to_make_you_want_your_head_to_explode | For those who have worked in an office, you know there are quite a few scenarios that would make, I don't know, having your head explode you to death seem like a pretty swell option. I mean, you didn't pick your coworkers, yet you probably see them more than you see your significant other, right? That's messed up. How come I see Todd from accounting? More than the person, I love to smooch. So, on the daily basis when you have to have another conversation with Jennifer from HR because you need to pay for food and rent on Netflix, sometimes one teeny tiny head explosion is the best alternative. For example, your company needs someone who can connect with people on Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat. However, when Gabe from social media tries to connect with you and corners you in the break room to tell you how you are a broken person because a psych major in college transcends to the internet, you're pretty sure that's not a part of his job. That doesn't stop him from just letting you know that the tweet you wrote about getting free coffee is really your need to impress your father because you clearly have father issues. Otherwise, why would your profile picture be of you with a party hat? Do you maybe have a drinking problem? Because that's a sign of repressed feelings about, shut up Gabe, you don't know me.
And in that moment, one prays for death to swoop in, interrupt the conversation like, hi, death here, I just need to grab Carmen for a second, her brain needs to pop right now. But it never happens. And so you have to nod, listening as Gabe tells you how damaged you are. It's lunch and as you wait for the microwave to finish heating up your leftovers, Ruth from accounting appears like a shadow unseen. Suddenly, the three minutes it's supposed to take to reheat old pasta becomes eons. Your stilted conversation is like trudging through mud as you try to think of anything to talk about. Watch any good TV, Ruth? I don't trust it. It's just another way for propaganda to seep into your brain. Oh, yeah, I guess.
Love your sweater, I knitted it from cat hair. Big Wool doesn't want you to know that cat hair is better than wool.
Wow, can you believe how chilly it is? Of course I can. They keep it cold to make us work harder and longer. So as you learn more about the corruption of too much air conditioning, you start to question your own sanity. You hope all this information might make one or 80 blood vessels pop in your brain.
Please allow your sudden demise to release you from this terrible conversation since the goddamn microwave won't stop. You don't know why she cares so much, but while you're in the middle of working on an Excel spreadsheet that is due in 30 minutes, Jenny appears. She's ready to find you a man or a woman. Even though you're doing the old ah, but I'm so busy that I'm typing as you're talking move, she will not take the hint. She thinks you are a pathetic human doll that you can force to meet with other human dolls as she shoves profile picture after profile picture of people under your nose because she ships you too. You just wanna push her away. You wanna scream no, Jenny, stop shipping us. You shipping means nothing to me, but you can't.
So instead, you pray for death to come for you with a swift and deadly brain blast. As you wait for the meeting to begin, everyone is chatting as the last of folks arrive.
You mention to a friend that you haven't seen whatever film or TV show yet when Jeff, the sales rep, yells across the room. What? Get out! Leave! You haven't seen blank? What is wrong with you? You have to write now!
And then goes on to say how great it is. He finds someone else in the room who has seen it and they talk about how great it is, saying spoilers while also covering their mouths because he thinks that changes your ability to understand English. Jeff has somehow seen all the movies in TV you've been meaning to see and continues to ruin everything. So as Jeff holds up the meeting, continuing on about how that one part where that guy gets killed, oops, sorry, spoilers, you just wish that your brain would Mount Vesuvius you to an afterlife where you could watch all the TV you want, heaven, where no one would spoil it for you or scream at you for maybe, just maybe, not wanting to watch the dumb thing.
As you're walking down the hall, you pass by the boss who says, hi, how's that report coming? And as you're going into details, out pops Charlie, lips puckered and ready for smooching. He jumps into the conversation even though, why? After a quick compliment of the boss's outfit, Charlie is suddenly nodding along with everything the boss is saying like a bobblehead that's been bopped. He repeats important words and has little exclamations like, oh wow, that is a fantastic suggestion, thank you. And oh man, what an inspiration.
And I'm here if you want me to take on any of Carmen's assignments. Charlie, you can't take any of my assignments because we have completely different jobs.
It's an empty suggestion and everybody sees you. You make us all feel gross. And as you make eye contact with passing employees watching this kiss ass, kissing all the ass, you both have the same thought. A head explosion would be a delight right about now.
Your computer is acting crazy. After half an hour of turning it on and off again, whisper swearing at your screen, you bring it to Ralph and IT. You're not sure if he hates you or just everyone. Even though you have rationally explained that your computer has been opening different apps without you touching it, he treats you like you asked him to hit you with a waffle. You are stupid and he is smart. You can feel him wishing you were dead. And you wish you were dead too. How are you supposed to know you needed to press command H4T to fix this? But apparently you're the asshole because your computer is acting crazy. So you hope your stupid brain folds in on itself quicker than Ralph rolls his eyes and says, next time, try and turn it on and off again before you come here.
You are walking down the hallway minding your own business when Marjorie from HR pops her head out of her office. Starts out friendly enough, just asking how your weekend was. And when you say, oh you know it was nice, I just relaxed, the inevitable advice begins.
You should go out more. You should travel more. You should try this restaurant. Suddenly you're being told how you should have spent your weekend where you should go.
As you gently try to step away, Marjorie follows you to your desk to continue to recommend things that you have no interest in doing. You can't get away. No matter how many times you say, well, better get back to work. Now she's telling you time management strategies and how certain snacks affect productivity. No matter how hard you will your brain to go kaboom, it won't.
Morgan, we have the same job. We have the exact same job. Our job is the same job. We work the exact same job, same job.
Yet every day you tell me to be sure to double check that memo or how close are we on that PowerPoint? It's not our PowerPoint, Morgan. It doesn't even affect you. You're not my boss. Yes, maybe you started this job a month before me but that does not make you my boss. Yet Morgan still checks on your work like it's not part of the job when it isn't Morgan because same job. As you try and control your eye twitch for the umpteenth time, you wonder why your brain hasn't detonated because it sure as hell feels like it should've by now. God, you know that coworker who just comes over and complains about everything?
The free snacks at the office, the workload, other employees. Who is this person and why can't they just be happy? They have a job and they get snacks but apparently they can't be happy. Cheer up but they won't.
So you just wish that your brain or their brain would explode but your brain never does. No one's brain does.
Even when we want to. There's a new sweet release from this workplace. Hell, just do it already! Explode my brain! Please, if there's a God, do it now!
Hey guys, thanks for watching. I'm sorry if you saw this, Morgan. Um, if you liked this video, see the Belko Experiment in Theaters on March 17th and if you didn't because you're Morgan and I hurt your feelings, I owe you a ticket to the Belko Experiment in Theaters on March 17th. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_181_Nick_Allbrook_Pond | And as this coronavirus situation continues to drag out in the Oz pack, I guess we'll call it. Well, not really. It's only happening in the unwashed south country. Not happening in Queensland and it's not happening in WA.
One man that would be happy with that as well, he's got a lot of family in WA, is today's guest Nick Orbrook from Pond. Thank you for joining us, Nick.
How are you, mate? I'm good. How are you, mate? Well, good, thanks, mate.
I just thought I'd give you the introduction there just because we've only got one here. We had a couple of you last time when we had a little chat at the splinter in the grass, I believe it was, in the little media tent they stupidly gave us.
We basically used it as a cool room for the entire weekend with AAA passes. It was a great time. We got to meet people whose music we've been listening to for years, mate.
Where are you right now? I'm guessing you're not a victim of this current scourge of lockdowns and stuff that we're seeing in Sydney and Melbourne.
No. No, I'm not.
I'm in London. Whereabouts in London, mate?
How'd you get over there? I didn't think we were allowed to leave.
With great, great difficulty, bro. I had to get a fucking stat deck, you know? Yeah. I had to share minutest details with my personal life with the government.
Which one, Australia or British? Both probably. Australia. Australia, of course. Australians want us to know who was leaving here.
Yeah. I had to promise them. I had to pinky swear with them that I was going for more than three months. And how long has it been now? More than three months. Yeah, right. They still won't fucking let me in, though. So you are waiting to get back? I'd like to get back, yeah. Yeah.
Well, we're hoping the music festivals will be back in time for summer, but we'll see WA being particularly precious because I guess WA don't really have to worry too much about people being lost out of state because it's so far away. I mean, it'd be 2% of the population have family in a state. You know, there's only two tar roads into WA, really, isn't there? One up in the Kimberley and one down on the Nullarbor.
That's it. And they don't care too much. I think the pressure's on Queensland to let everyone home for Christmas because there's so many people divided by that border, but WA don't give a fuck. They're saying January, February, they'll think about opening up to the rest of the country. No, they couldn't give a shit, man. And we got the mind. So when was the last time you were at home, Nick? Would have been early July. Yeah, right.
Well, there isn't, you know, a lot of media coming out of WA. So can you just paint us a picture of what life is like over in WA? I mean, like I know you haven't been back there for a couple of months, but I think a lot of people who are listening to this podcast now are listening to, you know, under duress from their own government, that they can't go out, they can't go to the pub. What was it like over in WA for, you know, the first half of this year and most of last year, I guess? Man, it was proper alternative reality, I think, like, to the rest of Australia.
We were allowed to, you know, I mean, I mean, all the, all the important things that our great and mighty leader McGowan lets us do. Top of the list, pubs, hoodie. Yup, trucks, big graders up in the mines.
Yeah, you can't stop those, but yeah, we could, you know, it just, it very quickly sort of faded into the background of everyone's consciousness. And there are a couple of these sort of brief reminders where some, you know, some poor stray bugger would come in with a cough and then a whole, the whole thing that, you know, the cage would drop down, and then he'd get to do, you know, he'd get to do another press conference, like, I mean, you know, it must be every politician's dream that they don't even dare to, to dream when they first get into it, that they might actually get some sort of, some sort of semblance of a Winston Churchill moment for themselves, where they're actually talking to people who are listening, you know, and, and this, and this guy's gotten to do it shitloads, and he must just be absolutely loving it, you know, flexing away. So yeah, I'm like, I suppose, you know, the rest of the country hasn't heard this much about WA politics since, I guess, the days of Troy Buswell, really.
Yeah, exactly. He's absolutely loving it, I reckon.
Now, as someone who plays in a band that, you know, the West Australians hold dear to their hearts, you did say that... Wastralians.
You did say that pubs and, pubs and footy were back on, but was live music, were you, were you suffering the same kind of pressures that the artists in the East Coast were suffering, where, you know, you can have 40,000 people at a football match, but you can't have a live show, or was everything good to go over there? No, no, it was, it was the same most of the time as the rest, as the rest. We couldn't have shows, you know, I say, I say that we were living in an, in an alternative reality, like, and it was all, it was all relatively normal. Yeah, except, you know, you couldn't go down to mojos and, you know, catch a show and, and lick a couple of stamps, I guess, you know, at the back of the room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we could, like, you know, pub, footy and, and beach. Yeah. But, you know, I had to be, I got a job, and, like, I mean, I know... Yeah.
What were you doing? Tell us, what were you doing? Yeah. We were speaking to, we were speaking to Dave Gleeson from the Screaming Jets the other day, and he said a similar thing, you know, for the first time in his life, he was working in a vineyard down there in South Australia, just because he couldn't get this, this 30-year reunion tour on the road. So, that's where, that's where he ended up. What were you doing? I was a gardener, I was a, I was a gardener.
Wild times. Loved it. Loved it, honestly.
Was, was most of this new album done in WA, or did you do a fair whack of it overseas? No, all WA, yeah. Yeah, right.
And tell us a little bit about this. There's talk of it being a divisive album, like, of your own admission. You're trying to make something a bit more divisive. What did you mean by that? Because I don't think you're saying it from, like, the critic's end. Yeah, I don't, I don't know if we were, we weren't really trying, like, actively trying to make something divisive.
I think it was just more that we were trying to let go of any, any sort of pretense that we were, cared that it might be pleasing to most people. We were trying to, trying to just, just, just fully enjoy ourselves and, and make something that was just free and fun and long and, you know, had the, had the good, the bad and the ugly and the warts and the awes.
Yeah. Did you think you've been able to achieve that? We've, we've, we stuffed it. Did you? We stuffed it. We made another classic, I'm sorry. LAUGHS Yeah. Did, but did you have fun? That's the real question, because that's what you were trying to do. Yeah. Or did you think that, you know, after your stint.
Yeah, we, we, we did get in the garden, you know, that was, you know, your true calling that, you know, you were tired of making music. You just go and be a gardener.
That's where the fun truly was. Man, no bullshit. That crossed my mind many, many times. I, I really loved it. No, no, I, we had, we had a shitload of fun and, but I did also like, honestly, waking up early and going and tending people's lawns, like really brought me great joy. Probably contributed to that sense of joy and liberty.
And what's the plan now? I mean, obviously you're rolling it out.
It's a shame you can't be in Australia to kind of, to kind of roll this out, but I'm guessing you do have fans all around the world. I'm guessing you do have them in Europe, which is just next door.
Yeah, yeah. No, I do. I'm not going over there. Like it's all pretty open. Yeah. You know, there's still this, this hairiness that you're not really quite sure what's around the corner, but I think I could, but I'm doing, I'm doing some gigs in, in England. Yeah. You know, and I'll get some, I'll get some, I'll get some three pounds Spermati Prosecco from Lidl and have a party all by myself. So you're over there all on your own? No, I came over to be with my girlfriend. That's nice. Okay, so the album was effectively done before you took off? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, right.
And so what do you, I mean, there's some interesting stuff in here and it speaks to just looking at the song titles and some of the lyrical content. It does speak to someone who spent a lot of time thinking about government, thinking about WA. America's Cup, interesting, interesting theme here.
You know, everyone was, everyone thinks you're singing about, you know, just looking at that as a track title. Everyone thinks you're singing about that glorious moment.
How good is Bondi, you know? He's our Bondi, you know, he's saved us.
But you know, while all those people were out there having fun there and then all the, like all the sheer amount of costs that was going into like, into something as trivial as the America's Cup. A boat race that not many people had heard about until Bob Hawke decided it was important. Yeah, but like how that was really two parts of society over there in the West at the time, because it was still only essentially our version of Dubai up until like the 70s and the 80s. Perth was essentially a fishing village. Yeah, no, yeah, fully. I mean, in this song I was saying about Fremantle before the America's Cup, it was sailors and junkies, pescatores and bikies, and yeah, that's it. You're saying kind of how these corporate tycoons that kind of became synonymous with Western Australia after Alan Bond kind of changed your home state forever and your home forever.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, this is not actually, you know, it's not directly experienced by me. I was a fetus, I think. I guess a jelly bean. Yeah, at the time. Yeah. Yeah, I was a jelly bean at the time.
So it's not something that I was privy to, personally. And also I just wanna, I wanna, gotta make sure people know that often, like just because I write about some subject in a song, there might not be so much of an opinion as people think, like sometimes it is just the sort of big, you know, convinced question mark that I feel, because I'm not a policy maker or a, you know, I don't understand these fucking things.
So it's just like, you see all the cats, you know, trudging around Fremantle and sometimes come into these brief, brief contact or like, you know, chats with old mob who really seem like they were like young bucks living a pretty like wild, cool life at the time. And like in a fishing village, that must be really exciting. And like long before even, I mean, for us, the, you know, the weight of the world and the anxieties of apocalypse are just enormous. But even for them, it would have just been like a true holiday, like before anyone even knew they were there, just like, I mean, but I don't know.
That's the thing. I don't know if it's just, I'm just wondering like what the fuck it must've been like, you know, before the eyes of the world could sort of got locked on to a little tiny paradise wedge between the river and the ocean. Can you tell us a little bit about the vibe there? We might've asked you a bit about it because obviously a lot of bands have come out of there and a specific kind of vibe, I guess you'd say. I wouldn't say a specific sound, but a specific vibe, which leads people to think it's a very, very cool place. But I'm sure it's not really just cool, right?
What is life like in Fremantle? I mean, aside from Tim Winton, aside from Pond, aside from fucking Luke Longley, what would you describe that town as for someone who's thinking of pulling up there?
I forgot Jebidiah. Yeah, the Jeb.
Now for people, I think, you know, from experience of my girlfriend coming over and she's a lifelong Londoner, I think people from big cities around the world should be prepared for overwhelming whiteness. Yeah. You know, that is the one thing. I mean, it is so nice and so comfortable for the people who live there and can live there. But I think if you're aware of the fact that it's a restricted entry. White enclave. It can be a bit. Yeah, I mean, it can be a bit. Well, yeah, it isn't as bad as Adelaide, don't you?
Well, but we've seen it before, Byron Bay. Byron Bay is the same thing. Oh, the worst in Byron Bay. Everyone says we love Byron. Oh, there's just something about Byron.
Usually what they mean is, you know, there's no immigrants. And that is the one kind of downside of a nice little tree change or a seed change is they're all the exact same type of person doing it.
Yeah. You know, you don't have the... And the people who are from there, they're the ones that eat shit and die and have, you know, to fucking leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, it can just be a bit, it can just niggle on your mind. It would be tricky for a Londoner. Yeah, oh man. We're all the Jamaicans. Very strange. Yeah. Pakistani, Indian. Yeah.
But you know, it's beautiful. It's a very pretty place. It's very slow.
And young, upwardly mobile, I guess they're not mobile, they're sort of upwardly static. Hipsters who have the privilege to walk around wearing a fucking potato sack and no shoes can have a really nice time. So, you know, rolling to the beach between the pub and the beach on a vintage bicycle.
Well, how much of an effect do you think all of that has on your music? I mean, like, do you think it'd be any different if you made a pond album or a naked album overseas? Like, do you think that would affect you too musically or do you think you're pretty, you know, sort of stuck with who you are?
Yeah, I'm sure it would affect. Yeah, I'm sure it would have an effect. I mean, I hope it does.
Like, how would a pond album kind of sound if you were all from Sydney? Do you think it'd sound the same? Few more bucket hats. Well, would it be a bit more, you know, like, you know? I don't know what they do down in Sydney. I haven't been in there for a long time. I mean, like, would it sound like Ocean Alley, I guess, or, you know, something like that? You know, it's a bit more of a bounce. Yeah. Well, the next question, the question I want to ask after that is, how do you, coming from this town you've just described as kind of upwardly mobile, upwardly static, very white, very kind of, closed mind is probably not the right way of putting it, but very, very well kept to themselves. How do you make universal music? How do you make music that translates and how do you, what do you think it is about you guys that actually doesn't say we're coming from this kind of very nice, but quiet, once, you know, gentrified sea village?
Maybe it's just accepting, like, being aware of how little we know. Yep. And being aware of the blind spots in our own worldview. Yep. And yeah, like, in a way we've always, we've always been very, like, open and sort of self-deprecating about our own ignorance. And like, it's not very cool, but I think it's something a lot of people can relate to because, you know, we're more and more expected to be very, very across everything because, you know, the information's at our fingertips and, but it's hard and it's stressful and a lot of people aren't. And that's not where you've lived, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and just can't deal with it and maybe it is just a universal experience that is a little bit less glamorous than to approach is just the, you know, we're just like scared, confused fucking idiots. Yeah. Like everyone else. I guess that is a universal feeling. Yep.
Now, what would your day to day look like in London right now? I mean, is it just you basically waiting for a call to say you've got a flight waiting or what do you get yourself there? Or are you just kind of waiting around for, you know, your girlfriend to get off work and then it's like, I suppose we might as well go for a pint, I guess.
Nah, I'm trying. Now that I've, you know, I've accepted that like, you know, there's, I'm not coming home soon. Yeah. It's just not happening. As much as I try not to, I do read the news. Yeah, projections are that I'm not gonna be able to come back to Australia for a bit. So I'm really trying to actually make something like, you know, make stuff happen. And I've got a lot of, at the moment there's a lot of, there's a lot of, I wake up really early.
Yeah. Usually, I usually go for a run. Yeah. Usually have stuff like this to do. Yep.
Bit of press, bit of a junket. How many of these are you doing now? You know, like this is one thing that we do, like every time we have to do a book, is that we end up having to talk to, you know, to Murray from ABC Mildura. And we talked to him for 45 minutes and he's just like, Hey, you know, thanks for speaking to us, mate. So what's different with this book than the last one? I'm like, well, I don't know, mate, the title, I guess, you know. Yeah, fuck all, it's a variety book and it's aimed to fill Christmas stockings. So, you know, as I'm, you know, the question I want to ask is, do you enjoy doing press, you know, or is this, you know, one of the worst parts about having another album? Is that, you've got to talk to people like us. It depends, it depends, man.
Yeah. I'm enjoying this. Oh, we had a great time last time too. We were very pissed last time we interviewed you. Yeah. They allowed us to bring whatever we wanted into the AAA at Splendour. So we just had a couple of eskies and a table, if you remember.
And a bit of a Zoom recorder. Zoom recorder.
Yeah. No, but sometimes it's a pain in the ass, you know? Yeah. But usually it's okay. You know, most people are fairly pleasant. Yeah. Either great to talk to or fine. And, you know, sometimes it can be a bit, a bit like draining when there's like six in a day or something.
And I'm just talking about myself and I keep thinking like, why the fuck did I put that in, like managed to let that get in. Let your guard down with a complete stranger from BBC 18.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Or like, exactly. Or what, you know, why did I, how did I let that get into the press kit where six people in a row today have asked me, so you've written a song, an anti-gentrification song. And it's just like, well, fuck, I don't know. Not really. I guess. Like, did I? No, at least I, yeah, it's hard. Yeah.
It just, I would sort of feel like smacking myself. Well, there was a national tour that we went on a couple of years back. And I reckon a couple of months before we were going to go to this particular town, the newspaper called us up and they were like, oh, you know, like, oh, I hear you've been to here. And I was like, oh, it's okay. It's a bit of a shithole, but you know, it's kind of charming.
And no one turned up with the show. It was a complete waste of time. It was like fucking 10 of us. Yeah, we won't say the name of the town, but it is a shithole.
Now, how do you, how do you feel about the term psychedelic rock? It's a term that gets applied to you, freo kids quite a bit. And I'm sure when you're dealing with like, you know, seasoned music journalists, which we aren't, and people who haven't, you know, spent much time listening to your stuff, they're going to come in with their own complete idea of who you are. And they probably think that you are permanently on acid. Trippy dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you feel about that term? And what would be the term you'd give it?
Man, I can't, I don't know. I don't know what term I'd give it. This is always the moment with like, with, you know, aunties or yeah, people at family, you know, at Christmas lunch, like, so what sort of music do you play? And I'm sort of... Not hip-hop. I don't know.
Yeah, yeah. No, the, Jay, Jay Watson, he just said, just say, you just got to suck it up and say rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it over with, get the conversation done. Custom, like U.S. custom, always U.S. It's only the U.S. custom people who ask, so what kind of music do you play? You know, you just say rock, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking right on, son. Right on, son. We're the greatest goddamn country in the world.
We might've mentioned it on this podcast before, but there was a guy we interviewed that says, he's a musician too, Briggs. He says, every time he's trying to get into America, it's kind of hard to explain what he's there for. He could be in a writing room, he could be doing TV, he could be doing music. And quite often that just results in too many.
It certainly doesn't match up with a fucking Esta Visa. So he just tells them that he's there to watch the wrestling. And it's like, that's the one thing that every immigration officer loves.
So, and it's on in every city. It's on in every city every night.
So you can just, oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he have to sort of keep across it a little bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm here to see The Undertaker return to WrestleMania. I'm like, ooh-rah, son, fuck yeah. So it's probably a bit early, but is there too, I mean, it's fucking definitely early. You've just said you don't know when you're coming back here.
But speaking with your management, is there a hope for a tour of WrestleMania? Is there a hope for a tour of this thing? Because we'd all like to see it live. Yeah, oh man, I would love to.
But yeah, there's, I mean, there's not a plan. There's not like a locked-in plan.
Yeah. But I reckon as soon as everyone's safely in the same place again, then we'll get right onto it. Yeah, that's good. Because there's like kids and stuff now in the band. So you can't be having dad locked in Sydney for... Yeah, two weeks or whatever it is. Yeah, for sure.
How do you go with a Mrs. from overseas? How do you go with that? You obviously can't bring her with you, really.
It's tough, man. Yeah. As anyone who's done this will know. Yeah. But doing it in coronavirus times is double tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you gotta, you can't just whip back and forth. I mean, we probably should never have been able to. Yeah. What's wrong with being this bloody mess in the first place? Yeah, well, we let them all go to the Olympics in Tokyo. I think that set a precedence. Yeah, but it's hard, man. It's not easy, for sure.
It'll be all right. We'll get through it.
And when we're all back in Perth, we can all go down to Fremantle and have kids and you can take us around. You can take us to the pub. You can take us to the beach. And we can go and watch the doctors get pumped by the lions. It'll be great. And there we go.
Nick Albrook from Pond. Good free old boy. Good derby boy. And obviously stuck in England.
Like so many people are, hopefully we can hear this new album, Nine by Pond. Hopefully we can hear it on stage soon, wherever you are in Australia. Thank you for listening to the Batutah Advocate Radio Show. We'll speak to you next week. |
cracked | great_performances_from_people_who_weren_t_actors_more_this_week_in_epcd_the_rock_david_bowie | Hello everyone, thank you for joining us. Welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture discussion. There's no turning back on that now. This is our weekly pop culture show where we talk about all the most important things happening in pop culture right now that have nothing to do with the president or politics. Each week I'm joined by Maggie Mae Fish and some other guy.
You didn't tell him? We're not talking about politics. We're not.
This is going to be great. You think you're happy, but you're not. This is a host of some news, our relevant show, Coding Time. As opposed to our unrelevant show. This one right here. Maggie Mae Fish. Hello.
This week we're going to talk about Harry Styles and Dunkirk and Christopher Nolan and the best performances by non-actors in movies.
But first I want to talk about Hawaii Five-O, which I almost wanted to put in a segment of this show that was, hey did you know this show was still on the air? I have no idea. We're going to talk about Grey's Anatomy and Supernatural and Hawaii Five-O, which are all in fact still on the air. Grey's Anatomy is not on the air anymore. It is absolutely still on the air. Still starring, what's her face?
Grey? Yes. Really? No, I mean that goes his name, but yeah. Is the character's name Grey on Grey's Anatomy?
What year is this? Right now? It's 2017.
It's got to be between the 17th and 21st season of that show, I want to say, because I feel like it was, it must have come out around the past. And it's something that I would remember every five years or so, Patrick Dempsey is leaving the show. And that was something that when the show came out, it was the rise and return of Patrick Dempsey, the triumphant return that we all wanted. And when he like died in the show and was like, well, that ought to sink that ship. And now it's still on right this second, like you can watch it in the fall, I'd imagine.
I won't. Good.
But anyway, we're talking about Hawaii Five-O, which is another show that is on right now. But it's making news this week because stars Daniel Daikim and Grace Park from Lost and Battlestar Galactica, respectively, they are leaving the show. They were negotiating their contracts and discovered that they weren't getting paid the same amount as their white counterparts on the show.
And they're like, you really got to do this. This is about equality. We are the two Asian actors who are leads who have been here from the beginning. Yeah, I thought this was going to look really bad.
Yeah. But I think the stars of the show, right? Yes. Equal stars. Yes. Yeah. Completely equal stars with their co-stars on the show. Yeah.
And they're leaving. And I think that's a really ball and move. I think that's awesome.
Like Daniel Daikim doesn't need money. He's got a lot of lost money. He's got another show coming up, I'm sure. And he and some of his lost buddies bought land in a restaurant in Hawaii.
What?
And they like each other. And they like Hawaii. They're set for life. They're good. That's honestly the cutest thing that I've ever heard.
Yeah. That's what I would have done if I were on Lost. Oh, absolutely. And friends with those people on Lost. Ran into the jungle. And could live in Hawaii. Right. Yeah.
A lot of things we need to change about your life. But I like that they're very publicly.
He didn't say it's creative differences. He didn't slam anyone. He was still very celebratory of the cast and crew.
But he's like, we have a long way to go for equality. And he knows that the way not to do that is to settle for less. You need to... These race-based financial decisions need to have tangible consequences.
And he's a cool dude for... Yeah. Make waves. Yeah. What happened? It's a little... Making waves. It's also strange because they...
I think from the beginning they should have been paid very well.
Because he's coming off Lost, which was the biggest show in the world. He's coming off Battlestar Galactica, which I'm told is very big. And the other guys are Alex Olaflin, who is in The Shield. So he's a big deal. And Scott Kahn, who is coming off, I guess, The Oceans series is like...
Oh, that guy. Yeah. As either Virgil or Turk, the two. Oh. Him and Casey Affleck. Yeah.
Like, he's not a draw for this show. He's James Kahn's son.
He was really great in Ready to Rumble, the WCW wrestling movie with Joe Panagliani and what if Oliver Platt was wrestler and what if wrestling was fake but also real. They actually beat him up, take his clothes, make him leave, then he comes back and fights wrestlers. Did he win? With actual fighting.
Yeah. He wins. That was a good retelling.
Anyway, Scott Kahn and David Arquette starred in that. David Arquette is not on the Wi-Fi phone.
No. Okay. But he's at Scott Kahn level and Scott... And I don't want to take any money out of Scott's mouth or any money out of his kid's I think everyone should get paid well. It's strange that he, as not as big a draw as either Daniel Day Kim or Grace Park, has been apparently commanding more money this entire time. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. And also didn't the execs come out and say, we offer them more money, but the between and between the lines, clearly they didn't offer them the same amount as the rest of their co-stars. Right.
They didn't understand what everyone was mad about. They just came out and they were like, we offered them a race. It was a big, big race.
They really should have liked it. They'd be grateful.
Yeah. It's also... And I don't know the show at all or the actors or their relationship, but usually when stuff like this happens, all the actors sort of get together and are like, yeah, we'll all quit if this isn't fair. And I guess it's kind of weird that no one helped them do that. Right. That's true. It kind of separates the people that... Yeah, exactly. The celebrities that you like are the ones that are going to be like, no, yeah, f*** this. We're all going to quit or whatever. And it's like, yeah, go you guys. But this is kind of like, oh, maybe they're all a little bit f***ing. It's so telling that one of the one times that happened was when the all white cast of friends got together and they're like, we all deserve lots of money. We need a million dollars every week now. Yeah. So a bummer for, I mean, the realities of our world and this still kind of backwards entertainment industry, but still really cool that Daniel D'Aquem and Grace Park got to do this and hopefully it'll lead to some kind of change. Yeah. And anyway, I'm talking about it. Yeah.
I think it definitely will affect people's decisions in the future, everyone would hope. In the meantime, check out the new Hawaii Five-O. Thursday's at 2.30. That's a great guess. On pop?
I don't know. No one can know.
Yeah. 2.35. 2.35 on pop. Yeah. Got it.
Maggie, what do you have for us this week?
Well, okay, I have, obviously the movie Dunkirk is coming out soon, Christopher Nolan's new film, which seems to be just like a straight war movie and it looks good, it looks beautiful. It's an interesting thing that every accompanying piece of press that goes along with it is them saying, this is not your average war movie. And then I watch it and I'm like, yeah, it is your average war movie.
Yeah. That's exactly what a war movie looks like. Yeah. Yeah, it looks like a standard war movie, nothing really much to say about it.
But the thing that I wanted to talk about is Harry Styles is in this movie with a bunch of other actual actors who, you know, went to acting school and are good at their craft. And then just Harry Styles is in it for like two seconds. You can see him in the trailer. And I think there are some times that it is okay to cast someone who is not an actor in a movie we're going to talk about later. We'll have a bunch of examples. But this sticks out like a sore thumb. It's like what product placement? It's like Harry Styles is our product. Like in this movie, it's like distracting. He like hasn't been in anything before. So to stick him in this like very serious war movie, it's very jarring.
And I think I don't like it. It sounds like you might not like it. I think I might not like it.
He seems out of place in this, I mean, because he's a pop star, so he's like undeniably a beautiful tiny little boy type of person. And you've got Tom Hardy, who is also beautiful, but in like an acting man sort of way. And Killian Murphy and Kenneth Branagh and all these like seasoned peppered guys. And then like I'm definitely a pop star.
Right. And during a war, one of the Nazis or whatever would be like, we got to get you up on a stage, kiddo. You're not a real person. Yeah. Sing for the troops. Get up there.
Dance.
It's yeah, exactly that. And just like think about who Harry Styles is and his like persona. Like you know, he's this like bad boy of like teen pop. Like does he belong in this like movie about like.
The evacuation of Dunkirk and France.
He's the bad boy, then maybe. Do you think he's the bad boy of the. I mean, he's the bad boy of one direction.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
So you need like a bad boy and one of the other ones in like a boy band. Like a Tom Hardy type, like a big brother type. Like a Tom Hardy type, like a Killian Murphy kind of like. Like a mysterious one, you need your Kenneth Branagh, like every boy band has like a chubby older father.
Yeah. And this seems like it fits. Has no one done that before? Where he's like taking like a person and like you shouldn't put this person in a movie. Put David Bowie in the Prestige. Which I did like that. I mean David. I love David Bowie. And that's it. And honestly, I think I bring some of my prejudice. Like I'm like a boy band, Harry Styles. Like what are you doing? This like should be Prestige's film. Whereas like David Bowie. Hello. I love David Bowie. Put him in anything. I don't understand exactly where this is coming from because like we have a precedent for a handsome boy band guy starting to get into movies and it's Justin Timberlake and it's been great for us. That's true.
It's been pretty good. It's been pretty fun.
It's true. I know. And he wasn't even the bad boy. I know. That was a. Fatone?
No, he was the like chubby dad. Yeah, he was the chubby dad. I guess there was a chubby dad.
I especially wanted to bring, I wanted you to bring up Dunkirk because you have a specific problem with musicians who pivot into acting. And I wanted to make sure you knew that Ed Sheeran is doing an Ed Sheeran biopic like Eight Mile. What?
He says it's like Eight Mile Meets Nodding Hill and it's about like him going up in fucking Ipswich or whatever. Wherever he's from. He's going to do like his humble roots as the son of like an art gallery museum or something. Eight Mile Meets Nodding Hill.
Yeah. They definitely said that in the pitch room. I guarantee it. So there's going to be an Ed Sheeran movie for you. Alright. Okay.
I think I like it. I don't know. Maybe I just don't like Harry Styles and maybe it feels too easy for this to happen to Harry Styles.
Whereas Ed Sheeran, like I think he actually did have, he was homeless for a while and like kind of has an interesting story to his life. And I can see, I can see where I'm exact was like, hey, this famous person has an interesting story. Let's make a movie out of it. As with Harry Styles, I think they're like, 13 year old will maybe come see this movie if we put Harry Styles in it. But isn't like, if you're Ed Sheeran and you're making a movie about your maybe interesting life, wouldn't you get like Rupert Grint or somebody? Like get an actor, pick an act and play the- He wants to have his Eight Mile moment though.
He said that. And that's also like- You said that? When you said that. I don't like that he said that.
When you said maybe a director was like, this guy has an interesting story. Let's make it. I don't know if there's a director. Everything I've read seemed like Ed Sheeran talking to like captive reporters about the Ed Sheeran movie that he's making. He just, I don't know if there's a script or if he's just like really jazzed about talking about his movie. Because he hopes so important. Because he hopes to improvise a movie.
Yeah. An Ipswich. But anyway, back to Dunkirk.
I don't think it's going to be very good. Do you not think so? I am on the fence.
I'm not a big Christopher Nolan guy. I am not either.
And- Because he's a robot. He's a robot.
I have a friend who thinks that the dream one- Inception. Inception is the best movie of all time.
That's wrong. The fart noise. No, it's absolutely not. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine. We've kicked around a pet theory at the site that, I don't know if we've ever published it, but that Chris Nolan doesn't understand like human relationships. Yeah.
Like there's no like comfortable or healthy relationship that I've really seen in any of the things that he's done. Even the romantic ones are always kind of like combative and toxic. Like Batman never had a healthy, like good thing really going with anyone. And they don't even like, they don't even like say, like a lot of the lines aren't even like emotional or real.
It's just like, here's like my ideals and what they mean. The grander theme of this movie. Like they're very- Yeah. They're not- He doesn't work with people in movies. He works with like, this is my idea for a movie and I'll put the props that look like people in it. That's right. He just moves the people around like props. Yeah.
That's a very- But it is Dunkirk, it's apparently very short. It's like allegedly like not a hundred minutes long or something like that. It's like between an hour and a half and two hours, which I don't think he's ever done.
I can see a movie in theaters without peeing during it again. Yeah. It's been so long. You don't have to fall asleep.
It's gonna be great. It's gonna be exciting. I know.
Also I have heard there's not a lot of dialogue, so maybe he kept getting notes about his dialogue. There doesn't seem to be like the filmical war. Explosions, I don't know. The trailers, they say almost nothing and I don't totally know what's going on. I know from reading a synopsis that it's the true story of the evacuation of Dunkirk, France in 1940 and I can see a lot of people are running. So I buy that, but I don't, no one turns to camera or turns to a buddy and like does a joke that makes me feel like I will be entertained during this movie. Or like I, yeah, even watching the trailer, like someone needs to say like, it truly was a Dunkirk and then I'll like know what it's about.
Yeah. You'll know what it's about from that? Yes, you'll know that it was. I'll know that the movie is about a thing that is a Dunkirk. Yeah. Oh boy.
I bet we're not gonna care about any of these characters and a lot of them are gonna die and it's just gonna go, yeah, I don't know, you didn't do any of the work you said if I don't care. I'm prepared for it to be Everyone Dies because the whole trailer was like intense. Here's Tom Hardy covering his beautiful face in a dramatic I'm gonna die sort of way. You see Harry Styles boy drowning in water and like trying to get out of this watery grave. Yeah, he dies. It's gonna be one of those movies where like Private Ryan survives and all the grizzled soldiers die to like give the plans to Leia and then she shoots off and you know. Yeah. Spoiler.
Well, that's the week in headlines. Yeah, there's not much that's been going on in like entertainment. It's a long week. That's the week. Yeah, just some inside baseball for you folks. We're filming this after the July 4th. It's been not a lot of pop culture news.
No shows are on right now. I can recommend shows. I can recommend shows that I've already seen.
There's a lot of stuff going on with basketball, but I don't think anyone but me and our director Adam will care about basketball.
He's nodding. Yes. He agrees.
So let's just get into the main story this week while we're treading the water. We wanted to talk about the best non-actor performance in a movie and it's got a lot of debate in the room internally before we even started filming about what I mean by that because like Harrison Ford was a carpenter who became an actor and people go from being models to actors. None of that counts to me. I want mostly like athletes and musicians, people who are established in another field and then are surprisingly good at this thing that we don't expect them to be good at. I'm going to go hot take right out the gate.
Muggy Boog's Space Jam. He's the smallest of the best ballplayers. Really good ball handling skills. I do remember him the best out of everyone in that movie who's a human. The monster, his counterpart monster is not, that's the little red one that steals his basketball powers and for someone who's a Charlotte Hornet when I was a kid and not a guy that I thought about a lot and then I watched Space Jam and I was so charmed because he's so funny and he's so natural and a really good actor and then I bought my first starter jersey and a starter jacket and it was a Charlotte Hornet's pullover starter jacket and they were like name your favorite Hornets Muggy Boog's. Name a second Hornet.
Nope. No thank you. Bad or not. I don't recall him being amazing.
I don't have to watch that movie. Should we watch it real quick? There it is. Don't watch that.
We already mentioned David Bowie but I think it's worth mentioning that he's always so good and especially like he's very funny. He was guesting on extras at the Charvet show and he's incredible at that. He's incredible. And you wouldn't necessarily expect him to be because he's David Bowie. He's like very very funny. I never expect him to be funny because he's such a serious artist person.
Yeah. And funny is for goblins. Right. He doesn't look like a clown or anything like that. Right. And he looks like someone that... You guys should be nicer to yourselves. No I should be. He looks like someone who like was like out the gate confident and didn't need to use like pirate jokes to mask it. Yeah.
Did I do a lot of pirate jokes? Do you have pirate jokes? If I know any pirate jokes. That's you know a couple pirate jokes anyways. And... I gotta get a pirate joke.
It's a pirate's favorite letter. I don't know me alphabet. Because he's a pirate. Can't read. He's an idiot.
Oof. We got a... Oh wow. No one on the crew was happy. Are you sure you didn't used to be an athlete or something? I'm saying a pirate.
David Bowie is good in Zoolander. No reason for him to be good in that.
He was great in Prestige. Prestige? He's a scenes dealer in the Prestige.
Which is like... That's hard to do with Hugh Jackman. Yeah. Silly magic movie. Yeah. Silly magic movie. That much people who don't know how to talk to each other. Yeah. Christopher Nolan.
Meg, what do you have for us?
So when we were talking about this, the one that came to mind for me was Roddy Piper in They Live. Rowdy Roddy Piper? Rowdy Roddy Piper.
Yes. I think it's... But I think honestly I think a lot of the credit goes to casting. I think that was a fantastic pick for someone that wasn't in a ton of movies, was not a huge action film star and they were like, oh yeah, this guy. And he's perfect. He's the right amount of seriousness for the movie. Yeah. Which almost makes it like somewhat comedic performance just because he's so straight and so serious. Yeah. Was that before or after Hulk Hogan doing movies? Oh boy. I don't know. He always played himself though. Yeah. He always played some version of himself. One's like a nanny maybe. This very specific choice wrestler to movie role is really interesting to me. Like when it's a good fit, it's a great fit like Roddy Piper. Yes. We're like, we should make Andre the Giant the sweetest man in Princess Bride. Yes. And just like, this is like, I love you. This is a perfect iconic moment and I'm so happy that you all existed at the same time. Yeah.
I think for me, it's more surprising when athletes who are not wrestlers, because wrestling, there is an element of like theatrics and same with performers. Not ready to rumble.
They made it real on that one. Go on.
We're mad at me? No, no, no. Not mad. Not mad.
And singers as well. If you were a performing, like Lady Gaga, she is a brilliant actor, but a lot of her music is her performing. And same with Madonna, half of her showmanship.
So that translates itself easier to acting, I think. I think when you trace it back, a lot of, they all started as theatre kids. I think that's what we're getting at.
I see that even with rap stars too. It doesn't surprise me that a rapper can turn around and turn in a decent performance. I think Kanye West can be very funny in The Love Guru. Lil Wayne cracked me up too. Eminem doesn't crack me up.
If you're the person who's going to get up on stage and perform in front of people, you probably started out as a theatre kid. And then you're Lil Wayne, and now I'm going to pretend I'm hard. I went to the high school from fame, so I can do it all of us. Yeah, Tupac studied Shakespeare for a super long time.
Really? And now, he's still alive.
We're going to cover that if we get time today. Oh, I got time.
This is one that I don't know if he's really acting, but Ryan Lochte on 30 Rock turned in a really great performance as handsome, easily tricked, sex idiot. And I don't know if they just realized, you're really dumb so everything you say is kind of funny. Or if he knows that about himself. If he's self-aware, that's an amazing performance. Yeah, I feel like I remember that and being like, this is incredible, but then I remember watching interviews with him and being like, oh, you were given the words and you said those words out loud. A few years later when he lied about getting his stuff started. Yeah, I think maybe they just really lucked out. And that magic thing of like, if you just say these words like yourself and don't even think about being an actor, it'll be brilliant.
So don't try to do this. Acting is just being you, Ryan Lochte. That's what it all is. It's what we're doing, it's what we all do.
I like Tom Waits a whole lot. He popped up in Seven Psychopaths and... Rest Cutters. Dracula, yeah. He always... He's another guy, like you were saying though, that like his thing is already performative. His shows, he's in character. He's talking and he's being this wacky Tom Waits guy.
But I disagree about Madonna. I was still surprised.
A League of Their Own is different than a singer who can also like competently play themselves. League of Their Own, which is a perfect movie.
Yeah. Directed very well. Yeah, even for that, she really did turn into a completely different character. There was like no trace. Yeah. But like, hardly any trace of Madonna in that character. Yeah.
Who else do you have, Cody? I mean, we haven't talked about The Rock, but like he should be mentioned because he's a wonderful actor.
And like what we were saying like, yeah, he's a wrestler, it's performative. Yeah, but he did do football first. Right. And like... And he's one of the better actors that we have. He is. I think he is, yes. Very often they don't give him a lot to play with because he's like, we need the biggest, strongest guy. Right. He's intense and good. And we have him do that. But if you watch like his most recent SNL, he's so intense and so committed to every single stupid part that they do.
Yeah. And it's just a shame that he's built like a decent house. Right. Somewhere. Yeah. Right. He doesn't fit in a lot of films. Right. We can't be that. Yeah.
We're not going to give him a fun romantic comedy where he gets to like... This part will go to Michael Cera or The Rock.
Like one of the... Dang. I'd watch him in a romantic comedy. I would too. The Rock? Yeah. I'd watch him in a romantic comedy with Michael Cera. Yeah.
Is this not... We're not... We are not. No, we can't.
It's fair. Okay.
What are our rules you think on non-actors playing themselves? Like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in Airplane.
Oh! I think you want an answer, right? What are you going to say? You know.
I think he's great. I think he's perfect.
Yeah. I think that's highly encouraged. I think that's a built-in joke. Yeah. That a lot of people utilize. And I think that's a great joke. Look at this person that... Look at Blender Siles. Isn't that crazy? Right. And usually it's someone... Like you can see their charms sort of seep through. Yeah. Where they're like, you're not a great actor. Yeah. But you're like a charming human being. Right. You can say those words and make it work. Yeah. I enjoy seeing that. Meatloaf, I wanted to mention.
You should never be a director giving feedback to actors. You're not a great actor.
I enjoy you seeing those words, I guess. Meatloaf. You're like fun to hang out with. I like that part of it.
Should I go home? No, no, no. Stay the lines. And then...
I do like Meatloaf in Fight Club. Fight Club.
He's so good in it. I did not know that was him until somebody told me and I was like... It's really unexpected. Yes. And that role could have gone to many people and he made it his own. And it's like an iconic role and he did a really good job.
And I would not expect that from Meatloaf. And that one I believe that he auditioned for and beat other people for that role. And then sometimes I wonder, did someone just get a role because they were Harry Styles or did they audition against a bunch of other people and they truly were the best person? And that I wish I knew the answer to these times. Yeah, I'm really curious, especially for Meatloaf in Fight Club, if he just showed up and was the best or he showed up and they were like, I think that's Meatloaf. Yeah! Do you have to cast Meatloaf? Or if they wrote the movie and they were like, you know who would be great?
We're not going to get him, I bet.
But you know who would be great for this part, for this large, funny actor? A famous, large, funny actor?
No, no, no, no, no. Meatloaf. It's Meatloaf.
Right, or just like he somehow got his hands on the script or like he was a fan of the book and found out they're making the movie. He's like, this is the role I've wanted to play for so long. I have to lobby to end this role. But like how hard he must have worked to get it right, like get his managers to like, count them. Like, to me that's like a lot of hard work that, you know, he f***ing deserved that role.
Meatloaf, you could continue touring around the world and making lots of money. Like, no, I've got to take a couple of months off and have like boobs for a while and die.
It's going to be great.
I've been saving one of my favorites. It's Bob Uger from the Major League movies. Oh, yeah. Bob Uger's sports announcer, a real life sports announcer who does sports announcing in this movie, or in these two movies and just gets increasingly drunk and sad.
Oh, and he was good at that? Yeah, he was very good across Major League II being just like a shitty, checked out sports broadcaster. Yeah, he's really good at that.
Oh, this movie's so good. Yeah. This will all be, there will be clips for people to see. Everyone will be like reminiscing about Major League II. It's so good. And again.
Yeah, another one we mentioned earlier, and this is almost, again, I don't think counts, but Lady Gaga is fantastic in American Horror Story. But again, she studied acting for a super long time before she did any sort of music, although she hasn't been doing music her whole life.
So to me, yeah, I think that's one of those theater kids that when she blew up decided to, yeah. Yeah. Like, Jared Leto, was he in that band before he was an actor? It might have been happening at the same time. What's that next? I mean, I don't disagree. But that kind of thing where it's like, you just wanted to do all of it, and you're a theater kid, and you want to get on the stage and do the thing, and it just, you tried it all, and then it worked out. You know, that's a, you're making me realize an interesting blind spot that I have that I can't really defend. If we agree with my earlier supposition that actors and singers are all theater kids, they're all the same person, and they went to different paths, sometimes they jump around. We agree with that.
I understand and get excited by musicians like, oh, now they're gonna do a movie, now they're gonna be in Starsborne or whatever. Whenever an actor starts a band, I'm furious.
I always think that's self-indulgent bullshit, and I don't know why that is about me. Yeah, and also- Speak on that. Why that is about me. My thoughts, okay, so many things wrong about you.
First of all, no. I'm doing great. God's so real. You're doing so great. You're doing so great, man.
You're not a goblin. Just pull that right in. You also have to compliment him. You threw it in your face. You're in the other chair.
You're really, oh, fuck off. No, you're not.
You're holding it together while she ridicules you. Thank you. I'm gonna do it again. I'm complimenting his complexion. Thank you. You've been mean to him.
I kinda like it. Uh, wait. Ooh. Oh, yeah.
Well, no, I was just gonna say that, like, yeah, for sure, some actors do it for absolute attention, and that grinds me to no reason, and I don't understand why that's more annoying. Right. It really feels to me like Russell Crowe knows that he can get a band now because he's Russell Crowe, so he's gonna do it, and that- there's no lie to why that bothers me, because if he went from one direction to the other, I wouldn't- ugh, one direction. If he went from music to acting, I would have absolutely no problem with it, and be like, yeah, I bet you're a good actor. Give it a shot. But it always seems like, hi, I'm Scarlett Johansson, and I have enough money and clout and power and attention now that I can make even more- like, you'll buy my blues album because what the fuck else are you gonna do? It was so weird. Hi. There's an element I think of, like, because musicians- when you think of, like, bands that you really like or musicians that are really talented and popular, like, oh, yeah, you knew you wanted to make music, and that's what you did and worked at, and that's why it worked for you, because you, like, worked really hard, and you're very talented, and this and this and this, whereas, like, if you're an actor, like, Bruce Willis or whoever, it's like, I always wanted to be in a band, and then you do it, it's like, no, you can't do that, because music you have- Yeah. What about before? Music is like stand-up, where you have to start doing shitty gigs for a long time. Yeah. You have to practice and work at it to get to the level of, don't say Coldplay, think of another band, Coldplay. You have to think of another band, you have to start small and bad and work to it, acting, you don't necessarily need to do that, plenty to do, there are plenty of struggling actors, like Jeremy Renner, who don't get a break for a long time, but there are way more stories of, like, there was a carpenter on set, and George Lucas was like, you should be a pilot. Right. And people who just get discovered sitting on a beach, they're like, you're an actor now. Right, he's like, you have the look, or you can do this, as opposed to like, oh, you have music in your soul, and you need to get it out, and you can write songs and do all the things, and not everyone can do that, and just because you're Bruce Willis doesn't mean I want to pay tickets to see you play harmonica with your buddies.
There's a, we're going to do a clip here, because I've been thinking about Frasier a lot, he performed stand-up at Just For Laughs years and years ago, where it's, the song is called Laughing In Rhythm, and it's him, you see him at a piano, and there's a band there, you hear someone else playing piano, like his hands aren't moving, and most of the song is him going, ha, ha, ha, laughing in rhythm, and we'll do a clip now, so you can see that I'm not making that up, he's got the whole band like, doing ha at the same time in the same way, and then they say laughing in rhythm, and he planks away a little bit, but also there's a better piano that's, he's not allowed to be seen, there's a guy behind a curtain that's like, I can't believe I'm doing this with Frasier, their stupid laugh song, yeah, like if you can't do that, like why do you, don't even say the piano, we know you're an actor, just like stand up at the microphone and do your thing, and we'll all be entertained because you're Frasier, but that is like, that is to me like, peak, I'm an actor, it's the 90s, I'm allowed to do whatever I want, yeah, like what I've always really wanted to do is force a lot of people to hear me sing, right, and be adjacent to a piano, yeah, it's like, oh, kind of similar, like Joseph Gordon Levitt was hosting SNL, he's like, I want to do Make Him Laugh from Singing in the Rain, yeah, and only that, and they let him do it for his monologue, because he always wanted to do it, that's not entertaining for us, yeah, that's not why we're here, I don't want to go too off topic, but I hate Joseph Gordon Levitt, I get it, do you really, I don't have a strong feeling on him one way or the other, borrow some of mine, okay, it's because of the way you saw it, oh my god, wow, dang it, geez, man, yeah, I also will say that I think acting, there are, it's a, it's weird because acting like there are these specific roles that like, you can find a person, and whether or not they are trained, they were perfect for that role, and that can launch a career, whereas like, some actors are just good actors, because they've been doing it forever, they know everything about the craft, they have put in their work hours, and they can play almost any role, because they're just great at it, and you know, if you're picked up off the street, and you get put in the perfect role, then you're suddenly at the same level, yeah, I guess, yeah, so good for them, do you guys have any other, any other last minute additions to our list, Mandy Moore, I do want to give a shout out to, oh man, for, cuz she was, she popped in, in the music scene, the pop music scene, around the same time as like Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears and everybody, and she was like fine, she's a good girl, and it was fine, but then she started acting, and she's very very good at it, did Walk in the Clouds, right? Walk in the Clouds, she's on scrubs for a couple episodes, Walk to Remember? Walk to Remember, that's the one, Walk in the Clouds is a box, Keanu Reeves goes to a wine place, and the grapes catch on fire, he helps pull him out, can you just have a podcast where you just narrate movies, describe the Lakehouse to me, Lakehouse, Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock, he's an architecture, and she's a woman with a job in a movie, and they are communicating to each other via the mail, but it's a magic mailbox that sends the letters through time, so it's hard for them to meet up to each other, and then they do.
Can we just have a clip of that to make sure that is also correct? Nope. Alright. A clip of the entire movie. Prove it did not happen, cuz that's insane.
But Mandy Moore, yeah, she's good. And as for an actor who turned into music, I saw Jeff Bridges live last year. Oh! He's great.
Now it's just Jeff Bridges live music show. If you get the chance, go see Jeff Bridges live.
Jeff Goldblum, also a great jazz player. That I'm cool with, partly because of Jeff Goldblum, but also like he's not, I don't know, it's like yeah I want to like go to like jazz clubs and like jazz with people.
He's very chill, he's not pushing his band on people. He's not gonna tour or sell a lot of albums, he's just like, this will be fun for everybody.
Right! Everybody will want to see that. And it's not like come see me Jeff Goldblum around, it's like I'm gonna be just a guy, and I happen to look like Jeff Goldblum, and act like him, and be him. Do you uh, do you think they're gonna find an opportunity for Harry Styles to sing in the movie? I hope to God. Because they often do in these movies, like Jack White for no reason was in Cold Mountain, and he's like playing a person who talks like a normal person, he's like, oh boy this sure mountain is cold. And then there's one scene around a campfire where he's like, because they're like, hey we got him, so can we just like film him doing the Jack White thing for a while, because otherwise people are gonna be like, what the f*** am I doing here? I would love it if the entire film Dunkirk happened, and then the closing credits was a Harry Styles song. Or I want him like like doing a cover of, this used to be my playground from League of their own, like doing the Madonna thing. Right, or like doing a cover of like the Men in Black theme.
Anything like that. Yeah, you'll have to let us know in the comments if we think Will Smith counts as a musician turned actor. Yeah, pretty early on, and then he was only that, so it might not be in that category. Everybody, welcome to the Wawawas. Mm-hmm. Anyways.
Did we get that? Scott, did we get that? No, did we not get that? Alright, well that's our main story. So let's get into questions from the audience.
I've got some good ones in here. I've seen these, you guys have not. What are you doing with your hands, buddy? Okay, so I can type my comments.
At Larson underscore Taylor says, with Homecoming, that Spider-Man Homecoming out, where do you want to see the new Spider-Man franchise go? I have always wanted a movie where Spider-Man is really old and over it, and... You want Spider-Man Reign? You know that comic? Really sad, huh? You know comic Spider-Man Reign? I've never read that one. Spider-Man is super old, doesn't want Spider-Man anymore, because he killed Mary Jane because his semen has radiation in it from the spider bite, and then he ends up being Spider-Man because a bunch of monsters come, and Dr. Octopus was he in it, he dead, but his arms still move him around, so it's just like this corpse with these arms that like help out Spider-Man. I cannot believe that I missed that. Spider-Man Reign? Spider-Man Reign like REIGN.
Oh, okay. Yes, yes, yes.
I have not read that, but that sounds like something I would like to see, probably because it's so different. Yeah, I think slightly older Spider-Man would be good too. Like Batman is allowed to be tough old man, but Spider-Man is perpetual adolescent, so him at like 40 when he can't like swing quite as well anymore, or he gets like Cheetos dropped in his suit, which I imagine...
You get food caught in there. It's stuck in there for so long. It's a whole suit. How does he get the food in there? You gotta eat, you know, like rip the mask off. There's a mask off, but it's so tight here.
He'd find a way. So he's like purposely doing it.
He wants to get those Cheetos in his suit. I don't think... I think that Cheetos are messy, and I think they get everywhere, and there's no way. There's not food getting caught in his suit.
Spider-Man, the two Spider-Man that I want to see, I want to see... This is a story that I've wanted to write for a thousand years, but I never will, because no one's asking me to write comics, is Spider-Man gets framed for killing the president, and has to go on a run, on the run. And Luke Cage is the only one in the world who believes him, so the two of them teamed up, escaping both villains and the police. And like, I like that because it's got Spider-Man. Spider-Man on the run, by definition, means he's not webbing around a city anymore, because like what if you're in Kansas, Spider-Man?
I love that. Nothing. And just like...
Get him out of New York. He's always in there.
We get it. We know what you're gonna do.
Swing on buildings.
Yeah, that's kind of what I hope. I mean, this isn't Spider-Man specific, but like phase four, I guess, of Marvel. And it seems kind of like what they're doing with Thor. We're like, we're just gonna do something kind of weird. Yeah. And like not an origin story, and not like a standard superhero thing.
The origin story? Yeah, the origin story.
Yeah. No, this doesn't work. Yeah, like something weird, that like here's a standalone story of this road trip, or like a heist movie, or something like that.
Long Tom and Dave were talking about a Spider-Man run for a while, where Peter Parker sold a book of like the photography that he does, because he's a photographer. And then goes around the country on like a book tour, and does Spider-Man in every city that he's on this tour. And no one seems to latch on to the fact that Spider-Man is showing up, adjacent to Peter Parker's book tour.
But it's still a very fun, that's another road trip. And like, I think if we made the movie version of it, we would play with that, where like, anyone who's a fan of photography books would be like, that guy who takes, I mean, that's definitely right. Like at least, you know, a few hundred people would realize that he's Spider-Man. That's fun. And Spider-Island is the other one I would like to see. We'll use some of Spider-Island for that. It is this, I've only read it once, but it's, it's a story where a bunch of people get infected, and so there's like a million different Spider-Mans. It's a blast.
It would probably be a very bad movie. Probably not great. And I don't remember the plot being spectacular. Yeah, I think it's something like, Bond goes off, everyone's Spider-Man, and then you deal with that for a few months, until a different Bond goes off, and nobody's Spider-Man.
It's so funny, how would they even do it? It's the idea of, you would like it. The idea of everyone in a city, there's a world where superheroes exist, everyone in the city suddenly gets superpowers for a little while. That's a very exciting idea for a funny movie.
But like, specifically a bunch of spiders. Yeah, that was something annoying. Like, I don't want to.
But yeah, if a whole city like, suddenly we're all superpowers, that sounds great. Yeah, I totally want to watch that show. That should be a show. Yeah.
Vanessa Gritton, at Ness Gritton on Twitter. I love this question, and I know I'm not gonna have an answer for it.
Looney Tunes, especially Bugs Bunny, introduced a generation of kids to classical music. What is the equivalent in modern cartoons? Are you aware of what's happening in cartoons now?
I kind of am, and I don't think that there is an equivalent. I don't think it's happening.
I think now cartoons are doing a lot of social issues, like there's a lot of gay characters in kid shows, and trans characters, and non-binary characters. And I think they're tackling difficult political issues. And not necessarily dancing around to the demon of whatever's true.
I mean, I don't watch many cartoons. I guess Adventure Time is kind of the only one I watch. But there's like a sweetness to it, that I'm not used to with cartoons. Where like, they give just like very sweet morals, and like couched in silliness, that I don't remember in old cartoons.
And it's like a bonkers, silly, wacky show. That I love it for how much it doesn't care about the integrity of the characters from the comics. No, this is them as little kids in their wacky and stupid, and they play pranks. And like, their episodes were like, they just f***ing die. And they time travel, and nothing matters. And they're all like weird bottle episodes, where they have no consequences on anything else that happens. And it's just silliness.
And that's the thing that I see more in cartoons. Now, then, yeah, then I feel like I remember growing up, but now I'm thinking like, Rocco, and I remember them pretty silly. But those Yeah, I think that was a lot more like escapism within, like, cartoons, I think when we were growing up, everything was very early, you know, when I was growing up, everything was more grounded, like it was, hey, Arnold, like about his like school, you can super relate to it. And even rock was modern life. It is about like, a couple of friends who live in a town. It's very like domestic. Yeah. Whereas cartoons now are very like, expansive whole new world of bubblegum. Yeah, very fantastical. Yeah, just interesting.
Great question. B churns wonders, what's one important film, show, comic media, whatever, you're most embarrassed, you haven't seen. I'm not embarrassed that I haven't seen or read the Harry Potter's or Lord of the Rings. I acknowledge as a major blind spot. But I'm trying to think of it, like, people seem to react when they find out that I haven't watched Blade Runner. Yeah. Oh, you haven't? I'm not.
My film class, like professor would always be like, and this means this and Blade Runner. I watched it 15 times. I used to get a lot of for having not seen Labyrinth. And then I saw that last year.
It's sucked. Oh, boy. That's what I haven't seen Labyrinth. Used to be embarrassed. Not anymore. All right. The Wire.
I haven't seen. Yeah, I'm embarrassed about that. She's like, Yeah, it's a big show. And I'll watch it eventually. You're turning beet red right now. The Godfather. I haven't seen. Oh, you can feel embarrassed about that. I still have not seen that movie. I've seen a scene. Okay. How do you know what Orange just means in other movies if you don't watch the first one? Saw that scene.
Do you? Which scene? I don't know.
The orange one. You know, the orange one.
He eats and chokes on an orange and then like, no, he doesn't. He winds up like having sex with a horse's head.
I don't know. It's all laid out for me. Yeah, it checks out. To be fair.
Are you embarrassed by anything? I guess I haven't seen Battlestar Galactica. Neither.
Yeah, that's something that I know I would like. And I know.
You should be embarrassed. You should just watch it. It's very good. That's true. Yeah, it's hard to be embarrassed, I guess.
I haven't really seen any of the diehards, which I mean, it's, I guess more weird than embarrassing. I music wise, I don't think I've ever listened to a full third time he's come up on this David Bowie album. Oh, and I can name like space Saturday and change it. I thought you were just like this space one, space one, that other one where he's super weird. But yeah, I'm just not well versed in David Bowie at all. And that feels embarrassing because like, everyone I know, like it makes you it like, definitely makes you a cooler and more well rounded person if you get David Bowie.
And like, doing it hard. And yeah, and like, yeah, is it because if you like sat down and listened to it, it's like, I can't take all this space stuff. It wasn't one of the bands that was that was like, put upon us by my parents by the time I was at my own music grabbing age. Yeah, it just wasn't one that I could I could remedy this problem, literally today.
Sure. It's good. And then I won't. You got to go see Spider Man. I know. All right, you guys have anything else?
Any other embarrassing pop culture blind spots? That's the big one for me. I haven't seen Gladiator. But like, I don't care to. There's a reason I haven't seen Gladiator. I don't want to. That's another music blind spot. Speaking of Gladiator, I haven't I don't think I've listened to a full 30 feet of grunt. So I haven't I haven't heard.
That's Russell Crozeman. Oh, okay. I was like, I don't even know what that is. It's called grunt. 30 odd feet of grunt or 30 odd foot of grunt. I it means I'm potato faced Russell Crozeman.
I can do whatever I want. Does he just sing or does he play like harmonica?
I'm telling you, I'm embarrassed to say I don't know. You don't even know that. Oh, what are you doing hosting this show?
You got to go see 40 grunts. 40 ounces of grunts. 40 ounces of **** you.
All right. This episode got off the rails. But you know, we're all coming back from vacation and we're not charging you for this.
So thank you for joining us. Maggie, thank you so much for joining us again.
Can they find you anywhere on Twitter? Or is there anything else you want to plug? Yeah, you can find me on Twitter at Maggie Mae Fish. I post other videos and stuff that I do. So yeah, catch my stuff there. Cody, where can anyone find you on Twitter? Correct.com. My Twitter is Dr. Mr. Cody.
D R M I S T R C O D Y. And yeah, watch the videos we make in the news and don't watch the news. Watch the sky. No, it's the actual news.
I'm Daniel. Brian. You can find me at D O B underscore I N C D O B Incorporated.
Thanks again for joining us. Let us know in the comments what you want to see more of next time, I guess. Bye. Hey everybody. Thank you for watching that episode of EPCD.
Make sure you click the C in the middle to subscribe. Click either of the videos to the side of me to watch those videos. Click that dumb **** you bell. So you get an alert every time another one of our videos comes out.
And in the comments, why don't you try to figure out what just happened with Cody right there, where he seemed surprised that we were doing this thing just now. I don't remember in old silliness. I see more than more than anything else.
Like like I catch some of the Teen Titans every once in a while and it's like a bonkers silly wacky show that I love it for how much it doesn't care about like the integrity of the characters from the comic. No, this is them as little kids and they're wacky and stupid and they play pranks. And like, yeah, this is they their episodes where like they just die and they time travel and nothing matters. And they're all like weird bottle episodes where they have no consequences on anything else that happens. And it's just silliness.
And that's the thing that I see more cartoons now than, yeah, than I feel like I remember growing up. But now I'm thinking like Rocco. But those, yeah, I think now there's a lot more like escapism within like cartoons. I think when we were growing up, everything was a very early, you know, when I was growing up, everything was more grounded. Like it was Hey Arnold, like about his like school, you can super relate to it. And even Rock was Modern Life, it is about like a couple friends who live in a town. It's very like domestic. Whereas cartoons now are very like expansive, whole new world, a bubblegum kingdom.
Very fantastical. Yeah, just interesting. Great question. B churns wonders.
What's one important film, show, comic, media, whatever you're most embarrassed you haven't seen. I'm not embarrassed that I haven't seen or read the Harry Potter's or Lord of the Rings. I acknowledge it as a major blind spot. But I'm trying to think of it like people seem to react when they find out that I haven't watched Blade Runner.
Yeah. Oh, you haven't? I'm not.
I had my film class, like professor would always be like, and this means this and Blade Runner. I watched it 15 times. I used to get a lot of for having not seen labyrinth. And then I saw that last year. It sucked.
Oh, boy. That's what I haven't seen. Used to be embarrassed. Not anymore. All right. The Wire I haven't seen. Yeah. I'm not embarrassed about that.
She's like, Yeah, it's a big show.
And I'll watch it eventually. You're turning beet red right now. The Godfather I haven't seen. Oh, you can feel embarrassed about that. I've not seen that movie. I've seen a scene.
Okay. And get it. How do you know what I just mean in other movies if you don't watch the first one? So that scene. Do you? So which scene?
Orange one. You know, the orange like eats and chokes on an orange and then like, no, he doesn't wind up like having sex with a horse's head.
I don't know. So it's all it's all laid out for me.
Yeah, that checks out. Are you embarrassed by it? I guess I haven't seen Battlestar Blactica. And that is, yeah, that's something that I know I would like. And I know should be embarrassed. You should just watch it. It's very good. That's true. Yeah, it's hard to be embarrassed, I guess.
I haven't really seen any of the diehards, which I mean, I guess more weird than embarrassing. I music wise, I don't think I've ever listened to a full third time he's come up on this David Bowie album. Oh, and I can name like space Saturday and changes. I thought you were just like this space one space one, another one where he's super weird. But yeah, I'm just not well versed in David Bowie at all. And that that feels embarrassing because like, everyone I know, like it makes you it like definitely makes you a cooler and more well rounded person. If you get David Bowie, and like, yeah, is it because if you like sat down and listened to it, it's like I can't take all this space stuff.
It wasn't one of the bands that was that was like put upon us by my parents by the time I was at my own music grabbing age. It just wasn't one that I could remedy this problem literally today.
Sure. It's good. And then I won't. You got to go see Spider-Man. I know. Alright, you guys have anything else?
Any other embarrassing pop culture blind spots? That's the big one for me. I haven't seen Gladiator. But like, I don't care too. There's a reason I haven't seen Gladiator. That's another music blind spot. Speaking of Gladiator.
I haven't I don't think I've listened to a full 30 odd feet of grunt sound. I haven't I haven't heard that's Russell Crowe's band. Oh, okay. I was like, I don't even know what that is. It's called Grunt. 30 odd feet of grunt or 30 odd foot of grunt.
I it means I'm potato faced Russell Crowe and I can do whatever I want. That is a literal friendly. Does he just sing or does he play like harmonica?
I'm telling you, I'm embarrassed to say I don't know. You don't even know that? Oh, what are you doing hosting this show?
You got to go see 40 grunts. 40 ounces of grunts. 40 ounces of you.
Alright, this episode got off the rails. But uh, you know, we're all coming back from vacation and we're not charging you for this.
So thank you for joining us. Maggie, thank you so much for joining us again.
Can they find you anywhere on Twitter? Or is there anything else you want to plug? Uh, yeah, you can find me on Twitter at Maggie May fish. I post other videos and stuff that I do. So yeah, catch my stuff there. Cody, where can anyone find you on Twitter? crack.com. My Twitter is Dr. Mr. Cody.
D R M I S T R C O D Y. And yeah, watch the videos we make in the news and don't watch the news. Watch the sky. No, it's the actual news.
Yeah. Uh, I'm Daniel. Brian. You can find me at D O B underscore I N C D O B incorporated. Thanks again for joining us. Let us know in the comments what you want to see more of next time. I guess. Bye. Hey everybody.
Thank you for watching that episode of EPCD. Make sure you click the C in the middle to subscribe. Click either of the videos to the side of me to watch those videos. Click that dumb bell. So you get an alert every time another one of our videos comes out. And in the comments, why don't you try to figure out what just happened with Cody right there where he seems surprised that we were doing this thing just now. |
dropout | instagram_art_show_ch_shorts | It's like, I like fish, but I don't want to taste it. Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong.
Paul! Rafael, so good of you to come. Thanks for inviting us.
What is this? It's my Instagram art show. You do art? Well, I've been dabbling in it and posting it to Instagram, and people seem to really like it.
Okay, but why isn't anybody else at work? It's 10 a.m. on a Tuesday.
Boys, enough. Come. Let me show you around. This one is called Rainbow Parade. Katie, I love it. I'm going to give it a like. Thank you, Paul. This way.
Do you recognize him? I don't have to recognize it. It says Michael Cera. Michael Cera, yes. That looks just like him, Katie.
Isn't it incredible, Ralph? Look, it's cool that you have a hobby, I guess, but I don't know about posting all this and calling yourself an artist already. Oh, thank you for your support. You know, it's cuckoo! It's crazy! I didn't even realize until I started posting my art that I was so talented at it. Come along. Wow. Okay, ducks. This is a wonderful photo. I mean, it's so simple, yet so... Katie, what is your secret? Do you know the rule of therns? Yes. Well, at first I was going to follow it, but then I thought, why? Katie, your art doesn't mean rules. So I just did my own thing. Isn't that great? Creative genius.
Would you like to see my anime drawings? I don't know. Let me think about that. Yes, we want to see your anime drawings.
Oh, my God, Katie, is that you? That is totally you. Surprise! I have one of each of you. Ralph, look! I mean, I can see that it vaguely is supposed to represent something that looks like me. Let me show you my poetry. Exactly. I do need to love the girl in the mirror. Katie, this poem really speaks to me.
Guys, don't you think that I can make money off my art? Am I good enough? No. Yes, you absolutely can. Katie, you are ready. No, you are a beginner at art, which is fine, but you're definitely not good enough to sell yet.
Silly little Ralph. I think the problem is that you haven't found a piece that resonates with you yet. I think I know one that will. Come on.
It's political. It's controversial.
It's perfect for you. It's fine. I really love it. No, it's just fine. It's a little better than the other stuff, but it's still not great. Oh, wonderful.
That will be $3,000. Damn, I'm not paying $3,000 for this unoriginal comic. All this stuff sucks. My nephew draws better. Ralph, that is rude as all hell. Okay, I am the only one being honest with you, but I don't need this.
I'm going home. Is he gone yet? He's gone.
Guys, am I bad at art? No, don't say such a thing.
It's amazing.
Thank you, followers. Get away from me! Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | rita_s_screen_door_saturday_night_live | Ooh, here he comes, Bella. the guy from the college is gonna give my Jerome the scholarship. my son's going to Penn State, and yours is in the State pen. Oh, don't listen, Belle. Oh, don't listen, I'm bad. he'll be out in no time, doll.
Oh, Mrs. Del Vecchio. hello. Ted Borman from the College. please come in, have a seat. make yourself at home. is it gorgeous out today or what? don't tell me there isn't a God. I won't, but you know we're very excited about your son Jerome coming to Penn State. uh, Teddy, from your mouth to God's ears. Yeah, we're excited. Sorry there? get your face away from the screen. uh, we just need to verify some family information before the scholarship is approved.
I said, get your face away from the screen and stop looking in the house, you little dope pusher. come on, Ted, just sweat like a whore in church. what can I get you to drink? How about a nice iced tea? ooh, or a lemonade? How about a nice hot lemonade? ow! What can you eat, Teddy? a nice piece of braziol with a side of broccoli, Rob? how's that sound, huh? Uh, thank you, Mrs. Del Vecchio, but I just had lunch.
Oh, ok. yo, it's not a hoe. One second, Teddy. face off the screen. duh, Ralph Decastic. Leon's here. I don't care if you're a victim of it. get your face away from my screen before you break it. she's expecting me.
I got my beautiful disabled double Park. Oh, did you hear that, Ted? he's got his Disabled double Park. that's a different story.
See, I didn't know that. that changes things. What? What, you crazy? there's a whole blended cashmere. Yeah, he probably bought it with his cocaine sniffing money.
Ok? yes, stay off my porch or stay away from my dirty little alcapone. And now, Mrs. Del Vecchio, if I could have your attention. Yes, you've got me. our records show that your combined family income does not exceed $40,000. Yes. Now, are we talking off the books, Ted? excuse me, would you like to buy some candy to help keep me off the streets? away from the screen, you little Lolita. that's correct, Ted. my husband cleared $36,000 last year. this dance is only a dollar, Ian. Ok, Diamond dance, Debbie. you have to push.
Come here. This is what it's like all day around here, Ted. I'll tell you, spring comes, and they're running wild like Ted Kennedy in a strip joint. Squirtie.
All right, Ted. let's cut the crap. how much is it going to cost me to send this humper to school? Well, it looks like that, uh. Oh, did you see that? Ok. Ok, you little ball-playing crack babies. I keep it now. Ok? it's mine now, right? Yeah. Ok, have your mother come get it, smart ass. I hear you. Ok. all right. Ok, Ted. I want you to watch, because the next kid that comes up gets my foot up his ass. Well, Mrs. Del Vecchio, it looks like things are pretty much in order here. I'll just get the paperwork started, and we'll see Jerome in the fall. Oh, that's good news. All right. all right. thank you very much for coming over. Listen, watch my sprinklers on the way out. they have a mind of the room. All right. that was easy. Mrs. Del Vecchio, Mrs. Del Vecchio, I seem to have left my briefcase. Yeah, what do you need? uh-oh. Ok, start running, Four Eyes. |
cracked | ancient_people_loved_pee_and_other_weird_history_w_the_modern_rogue | Howdy, I'm Brian Brushwood. And I'm Jason Murphy. We're here from the modern rogue.
And we're going to talk about pee. Yeah. So pee, you know it. You love it. We all do. Yeah, big pee fan. Peep peep, urine, golden manna, whatever you want to call it. Love it. Golden manna. Yeah. And you think that you like pee. As you've mentioned, just a second ago. Not a fan. I tend to flush it.
If it's yellow, let it mellow. And if it's mellow, yellow, jug it.
So ancient people, they like to be clean. But the only way they could do it is to rub pee on their clothes. Well, there is something to the science of that in that we know that urine was one of the few sterile, guaranteed sterile liquids that you could find, I guess, full stop outside of a fresh bladder. Spring or a river. This is the ammonia. It's like actually a legitimate cleaning agent. And they would also gargle it for the same reason, clean their teeth off with all the pee.
But the big problem in the ancient world is this was the big problem with the ancient world. Not whether or not the sun would rise and how many children you had to sacrifice.
It's a bunch of piss drinkers. No, no, the big problem was how do I get more pee? I don't have enough pee.
Hello. Welcome to ancient everywhere. Look, life is pretty great. We have one big problem.
Where the pee? So ancient laundromats were a thing. You could take your clothes. You would drop it off. Somebody would soak it and pass and give it back to you. OK, so what they did, laundromats were actually one of the first, and I believe these are Roman, ancient Roman laundromats or whatever the equivalent was. You know what's funny is I thought that would help knowing it was like a really long time ago, but it doesn't help much. Because now I'm just picturing like cleaner whites that are going to look even worse because they went to a laundromat where they soak them in pee. Was certain types of pee better? Like what if you had asparagus and then you tried to wash your clothes with that?
But to solve the issue of not having enough piss on hand, they actually, the first public restrooms were invented by laundromats that would just like put buckets out and be like, hey kid, you want to pee in the air? This sounds like some wily coyote stuff where it's just like a free place to pee arrow down. Kind of, it was like, you know, we need pee. You want clean clothes, we need to help each other out. You got to pee. And speaking of ancient Rome, less about piss.
There was a time where Caesar, and we're just talking about history, it's wacky, history's weird. So Caesar's in a debate, they had found some people conspiring against the Republic and Cato the Younger, I believe, was debating against him. Cato says, well, you know, we've uncovered their plot, we should kill them. And Caesar says, I think killing's too good, we should torture them or whatever. These were the debates they had in ancient times, which was like.
I'm still busy thinking of all of them going to pee laundromats, but yes. Everybody reeked of pee, and one guy in the back is like, why are we talking about this? Who cares? Let it all burn, it'll smell better. This place sucks.
The one time traveling guy's like, I thought this would be more fun. So they're arguing, and Caesar has a letter delivered to him, and Cato was like, that's from the conspiracists anyway, that's from the enemies. You have to read that out loud to prove your crime. I've seen enough sitcoms to know where this goes. And Caesar's like, what are you doing? And so he takes it, and he's like, and he realizes it's a love letter from Cato's sister to Caesar as a mistress. Oh, damn.
Being like, oh, you big old Roman boy, I love your loins and such and such. She's like lazily dictating, like, I don't know, he's nice enough, I just want to jump on that hog. Your loins are great and stuff. Oh, Caesar, your wiener is great. Estimate his hog size in X's and V's.
And so Cato gets very upset and tosses the letter, and Caesar does one of his W-dots. He does, he does, it's Caesar. Caesar, ouch. The sad thing for Caesar is that he lost the debate. That's the sad thing. But the more sad things that that mistress births Brutus.
Oh. What happened to him? Well, he eventually fought Popeye. Thank you, I'm glad you're not saying that. I have no idea what that is. Really?
The spinach guy?
What is happening? The chain of restaurants? The chicken guy. God.
Do you not know about Popeye the Sailor Man? He probably don't even know who the Pluto is.
He doesn't eat spinach? He does eat spinach, but nobody calls him the spinach guy. He's the spinach guy.
Starting now. Darwin, as you know, goes to the Galapagos. Maybe you don't know. He went to the Galapagos. And he used this to eventually start all of his theories on evolution. But when he got there, hold on, hold on. The way you wrote that is like, I need to go to the Galapagos. I'll use this to start my theater.
I don't actually know. I don't even know how he got there. That's not the important thing. We have sillier things to discuss. OK, go on. For some reason, Darwin's there. And I don't remember if he had his ideas that then went there or if his ideas came after.
But he's here. This is all covered in the documentary Master and Commander. Russell Crowe's there. He's mastering and commandering.
And Darwin realizes pretty quickly that none of these animals have ever seen a human. And so they're not afraid of them.
One of the first things that he does is he walks up to a turtle and climbs on it and smacks it. And to his delight, it trundles along with him riding it like a glorious turtle king.
And he writes this down. He's like, everybody's going to love this fact.
And then he was picking up iguanas and throwing them. He was trying to swat birds out of the air. He was just like that asshole kid at the petting zoo or whatever who's like smacking goats and just like rambunctious little man. He would have gotten Harambe killed immediately.
Or taught him how to do like a really complicated high five. And there's probably more to that story, but I can't remember it.
Another thing that I learned about Darwin was that he found these turtles. And on the voyage back, they had stocked up these turtles and they were taking them back to where the old Darwin was from, but they ended up eating them all. Well, specifically, what they would do is they would stack them on their backs, belly to back all the way up, because they didn't have a refrigeration. And so this was a way that they would like get one that was about to die or like, all right, knock that one, knock its head, have delicious turtle soup. And they enjoyed it so much that there were no turtles that made it back to England. So they were just like looking at the turtles like, I think that one's about to die.
Yep. Let's just eat it. It sounds like you're trying to exaggerate, but that's exactly what happened. That's what I do. And eventually they did die. I mean, they weren't wrong. It was a correct diagnosis. That's what I do.
When I get hungry, I go to the bingo parlor. They're about to die. I'm going to eat them. I tried, yeah, I tried and bring a whole van load of old women and as they die, I eat them along the way.
I think we just wrote a script. You want to write that up? Yes. I'm shockingly close to an actual Stephen King short story.
And, you know, speaking of old people, John Quincy Adams. Yeah, dead. If he was alive, he'd be old. But he's not. Facts. He probably died at an old age too.
And a woman's husband died. That happens to her around that same time.
Just the vividness of the story. I don't really feel like a storyteller. No, I'm loving that. I would be an oral tradition guy. I'd be passing the stories down through time. This is one of those stories I would pass.
This woman, who is a journalist, her husband dies.
He was in the military. He was in the Revolutionary War, I assume. She thought that she deserved to have some of his pension because he died relatively young, but his military pension was not going to her.
She wanted to ask John Quincy Adams, you know, why? I want it, please.
And he kept rebuffing her. He was ignoring her calls, letters, paper airplanes.
So she found out that. She kept hiring, singing, town criers. Hear ye, hear ye. And hear ye, hear ye, I want that booty. Get on with me, I'm John Quincy Adams. Is that from the HBO series? And she discovered, and this is very much true, John Quincy Adams loved to just get in the Potomac, butt ass naked and bathe. Yeah, yeah.
That's one point I do, and it's a problem. She apparently, this is sort of apocryphal. They're not 100% sure if it's correct or not.
But the prevailing understanding is that she went, followed him, watched him get in the water. Stopped him. Yeah, grabbed his clothes and said, you're going to listen to me, or you're going to sit in there naked forever, or you're going to have to flash me your presidential deejuncts.
Also, your clothes smell like urine. And I know you are very afraid. It's not like men have all the power and this will have no consequences. It's going to be a big deal when I see you naked.
But for some reason, he decided decorum was necessary. And so he gave the interview and she got her pension. She succeeded. She became a journalist.
Later in life, a camp prank. I'm almost certain I have most of these details right, but within the last decade, there was a very old woman who passed away who her pension ended because her husband was a military serviceman who fought for the Confederacy. What? In the 1800s. Dude was very old, married somebody very, very young. I think it was maybe their daughter or something, or a father or something.
Anyway, like 20 minutes ago, that ended. That feels impossible, but I guess it's not. What if you consider the fact that I have all the facts wrong? I am considering that. Well, you know, if you're like 20 and 1865 and you got married 50 years later. And you don't get to call me out on fact checking.
It's like that show that Jonathan Frakes, that Riker hosted, where he's like, he tells you these stories and he's like, guess what? Like three of those weren't even real. I remember watching that going, what the fuck, Riker?
That's this show. Yeah. I mean, I think P is real. Brian just says a bunch of stuff and like every now and then he's telling the truth. Somebody in the comments will know what I'm talking about. They will absolutely correct you. And once again, I have no way to get nowhere to go. I knew it. I was like, oh, let's see how he does this one. You did not disappoint. Speaking of the ending of human lives, this is the end of this episode.
Well, okay. You know what? I resend my offer. I'll be at themoderrogue.com. Fair. I'd like to hear more. Or I'll be at youtube.com slash moderogue. Excellent. And I'll be here as always. Okay, fine. I'll come. You should leave. I probably should. I am in your warehouse.
That is the look of ambition. I don't know what I just saw. It was like what Kato was experiencing, reading that letter.
And that's where we'll cut. Cut. |
SaturdayNightLive | travis_kelce_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Kelsey! thank you so very much. it's great to be here. And if you don't know, I just won my second Super Bowl. which was amazing, but for me, hosting Snl is that much better. I'm lying to you all. I'm lying, I'm kidding. winning the Super Bowl was way better. But seriously. Seriously, I'm honored that Snl asked me to host.
I was nervous about doing a monologue. But then I remembered, actually, I'm pretty good with words. I'm pretty good with words. like during games, I do these super eloquent pump-up speeches for my teammates.
Please watch. More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more! What was you doing? more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more! More! And sometimes I even do it in my Pat Mahone's voice. More, more, more, more, more, more!
Love you, Pat. probably the coolest thing about this Super Bowl is that my whole family was there. I got to play against my brother Jason, who was an Eagle. And my mom was on Tv more than both of us. My mom, dad, and brother are all here tonight. you know, people keep asking me what it was like to beat my brother in the Super Bowl. And, um, it was pretty awkward. especially because after the game, we had to ride home together. our mom drove us there in her minivan. just like the good old days. But, uh, even though his team lost after being up ten points at half, my brother is actually really happy for me. And he agrees that the ref made the right call. it was a holding.
Uh, Jason and I have actually been playing football together since we were little kids, and he was always better than me. at everything. um, in high school, he was an honors student, and I got kicked off the team because I failed French. in English, too. but French sounds way better. Uh, and then when we were in college, I actually got kicked off the team because I tested positive for marijuana. So it just goes to show you, if you smoke weed and you're bad at school, you can win the Super Bowl twice.
This isn't my first time hosting a Tv show. I actually had my own dating show on E! called Catching Kelsey. uh, it was kind of like The Bachelor. uh, except instead of roses, I handed out footballs, and instead of watching, people did not. which was, uh, a little embarrassing, but I have to say, I got pretty good at reality Tv. like, check this one out. what do we name this? Stanley. Avery is hysterical. Uh, that show is owned by Nbc Universal, so it should be on Peacock, but Peacock said, nah, we good. uh, make him smile. But really, But really, it's, uh, it's cool to be here. I grew up watching Snl with my mother. I love Farrell, The Sandman, Chris Farley, and to be standing on this stage. pretty surreal. And tonight, I'm gonna give it everything I got. it was a wise man once said, more, more, more, more! |
TheOnion | Only_Difficult_Pistachios_Left_In_Bag | Gorilla sales skyrocket after the latest gorilla attack, AIG blows all the goodwill built up by Wall Street in recent years, and Taylor Swift is now dating James Holmes. It's time for a comprehensive look at this week's news events approved by the Illuminati, Freemasons, and our alien overlords. This is the Onion Week in Review.
Shortly after realizing that his mother forgot to pay his most recent phone bill, 29-year-old Tom Flanagan reminded her to really be careful about that kind of thing. Mom, the phone company called to say I don't have my cell phone bill. Oh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. No, Mom, I'm not mad, but you had to stay on top of these things.
Just so you know, this really easy thing you can do, you know, is this online auto pay, just deducts your bank account every month. Yeah, I know. I know. I know how to do that.
It's fine. Just don't let it become a pattern. I know you can do better than this.
A police raid this week revealed appalling conditions within Cosmopolitan magazine's Male Pleasure Laboratory. Investigators discovered dozens of weak and frightened men being cruelly abused by Cosmo researchers for the monthly magazine's exhaustive studies of male stimulation. Video evidence obtained from the lab shows subjects enduring hours of grueling treatment, including diet alteration, extensive prodding and probing, and dangerous exposure to sexual stimuli. Blasted sultry songs into my ears and made me simulate 50 crazy hot sex moves. They said I couldn't rest until they found the bliss button on my randy regions. James didn't make it. They kept spraying him over and over again with seductive scents until he just couldn't take it anymore. I'll always remember the last look he gave me.
According to reports this week, 27-year-old Mark Felder has an alarming level of pride for his alma mater, the University of Miami, an institution which left him $50,000 in debt and completely unprepared for the current job market. Mark Felder, who graduated from the school in 2007 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Communications, told reporters he fondly remembers watching hurricanes football games, hanging out at local bars, and regularly going to the beach while attending the school that failed to teach him any marketable skills whatsoever. I would not trade my time at the University of Miami for anything. Miami has the best college experience in the country, hands down. I had an awesome time there and it's an amazing place. I've got the U of my blood forever. It's like a family. When you're a cane, you're a cane for life. Miami's a good school too. People forget that. I think we have one of the best business schools in the country, and I'm pretty sure our law program's in the top 10.
And in local news, only the difficult pistachios are left. In other news, an overweight 6-year-old vows to change his life after his latest heart attack. An Air Force One pilot invites an excited Obama to the cockpit, and a career spider is unsure if she's ready for 3,000 children at this point. And here we are, an awkward and completely uncomfortable stopping place. Just the perfect time to say ta-ta for now. For more, visit TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | Modern_Day_Robin_Hood_Living_In_Woods_Shooting_Rich_People_With_Arrows | He's being called a modern day Robin Hood, a mysterious bandit in Syracuse, New York has been sleeping in the woods and shooting rich people with arrows. The sprightly scoundrel's tunic of emerald and skill with a bow have provided a beacon of hope to this recession battered community and earned him comparisons to the mythic knight of Sherwood Forest. Robin Hood is back.
I heard he shot the city treasurer. If he redistributed the money to the less fortunate, I'd be done with that.
But what he's doing now, pretty cool, huh? He fights for all of us. Robin Hood! The gallant bowman has even attracted his own group of merry men, who want nothing more than to attack anyone who enters the forest with swords and traps. And so far, the roving band has eluded the city's stone-hearted sheriff, who has vowed to capture the adventure-loving archer. He's a wanted felon. On Monday, he exposed himself to a little girl. I'm just trying my hardest to stop drifters from killing people. Community members say this is the most excited they've been since they rallied around the real-life Batman, a young boy who fell into the cave after his parents died. |
TheOnion | Frustrated_Political_Scientist_Patton_Oswalt_Attempts_To_Explain_Gerrymandering_Without_Visual_Aids | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm your host, Leslie Price, and no matter how this election turns out, I'll always promise to commit to a peaceful transfer of the news. Here are today's top stories.
If you live in Texas and are planning to vote by mail in next week's election, you may need to start making other plans. Texas Governor Greg Abbott issued an executive order today that will limit absentee voting in the state to just one ballot per county. And if you do happen to be the one lucky resident in your county given a ballot, Texas election officials are also reminding absentee voters to properly identify yourself as a registered white Republican, or else your county's votes could be disqualified. There is some good news today for states that actually are allowing their residents to vote, however. Election officials in Wisconsin are happy to report they have found zero evidence of voter fraud in any of the ballots they've thrown out so far.
That's great news. Let's hope they can keep it up through November 3rd. Well that might be all the news you need to know today, but guess what? The world doesn't revolve around you. There's a lot more news to get to, and a lot of other people out there listening, so don't be selfish. Back with more, right after this.
Despite being a controversial practice in the American electoral system, gerrymandering is set to play a critical role in the 2020 elections. But many voters still don't fully understand just how it affects their ballot. Here to offer an explainer on gerrymandering and how it affects your vote is political science and elections expert, Patton Oswalt.
Hi Leslie, thanks for having me. Thank you for joining us.
Now you believe that gerrymandering could be one of the most severe threats facing our democracy. Why don't you walk us through exactly what it is and how it can be prevented? Oh, of course. So gerrymandering, which is the redrawing of political boundaries, is actually an extreme form of voter discrimination. And it can seem really complicated. Fortunately though, there's a very simple explanation as to how it works. As you'll see here, we have a grid with 100 squares, right? 40 of those squares are red and 60 are blue.
Now, when... Patton, I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is a podcast and I'm just worried this might be a little difficult for our listeners to picture on their own. Well, it's so simple once you look at it, but that's okay. That's okay. I can just describe it.
So look, you have these squares and if you draw the boundary lines around them, this one way, it creates correct representative sections. But then if you, see, you redraw the lines around certain squares this other way, things start to look a lot different.
Do they? Well, sure. I mean, you can't see it, but you have a much different picture indeed. Right. But is there any way maybe to better articulate this for people who are just listening? Uh, yeah. Well, lines around the squares are all different and you can see right here. Yeah.
Our listeners can't see, Patton.
Oh, that's right. Okay. Well, then I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do this. Well, you better come up with something quick, otherwise no one's going to give a shit about gerrymandering or how to stop it. Okay. Let's start over. Uh, okay.
Imagine you've got a pizza, you got a pizza. Okay. We know what a pizza looks like, right? Uh, and you have six slices and I just have two, but then I start redrawing the pizza lines and I say, uh, the pizza to the left is mine. Your left or my left? Uh, the listener's left to the left. Okay. And so the pizza, okay.
Are you still seeing the pizza because it's getting, it's getting gerrymandered and now I'm going to get more pizza. Well, let me stop you right there because now I'm even more confused. I was always under the impression that gerrymandering took place in states.
Yes. That's right. Right.
Now imagine that there's a line coming in from the side of Pennsylvania. Which side? The left, the, the west, the west.
Okay. And the line should be a straight line to make a square, but it's not, it's all jagged because of, you know, partisanship. Uh, does that make sense? Not at all. God damn it. All right. What I think we need to do is for the listener to just create their own visual aid at home. Can you do that? Because I have mine right here in front of me and it's very easy to understand gerrymandering once you're looking at it. Okay.
So let's just, let's just draw Pennsylvania since we're already thinking about it. A quick note to any of our listeners who are currently driving, please do not- We're drawing Pennsylvania from memory, Leslie. The great state of Pennsylvania, home of chocolate and Hershey's, all that bullshit.
All right. Now remember, it's got those little kooky crags on the eastern side, or it's not just a rectangle state. Oh, we could do a rectangular state to simplify things.
No.
I want to do Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is especially important to gerrymandering because it's what's known as a swing state. And those are the only ones that matter because of our fucked up electoral college system.
But I really can't get into that right now.
This would be better if the listeners have a protractor. Do you have a protractor or a ruler?
Now's the time to go get it. We're running short on time, Patton. Okay. Now if you draw another line about an eighth inch long at a 40 degree angle from that last line, and then probably like three or four really sharp squiggles- Patton, you are losing them. And then it veers off from that for like a quarter of an inch. You're blowing this, Patton. And then it just kind of circles back up to the beginning. It looks pretty weird, right? Well, that's gerrymandering and it sucks. All right. That was Patton Oswalt, political scientist and US electoral expert attempting to explain gerrymandering. But if it can't be explained on a podcast, then it's probably not all that important anyway. We'll be back in a moment. Hey, nice job, Patton. Fuck off.
Attack ads. They've become as synonymous with our democratic process as the act of voting itself. And with only a few days to go before the 2020 election, the mudslinging between the two presidential candidates has taken on a new and even more ferocious tone. OPR chief election correspondent, Rebecca Neal joins us now to discuss some of the latest campaign ads that will be plaguing your televisions until election day.
Hello, Rebecca. Hi Leslie.
As the election enters the home stretch, the campaigns of both President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden are shifting their ad strategies from attacking each other to negative ads that directly blast voters themselves. Let's take a listen to one of the ads that's now playing nationally.
You've seen what's happened to this country over the past four years, and now you're getting another chance to make things right. Like you deserve it. Hopefully you don't mess it up like last time. This November, let's try it again, shall we? And this time, try not to screw it up.
Wow. Well, that certainly sends a strong message to voters from the Biden campaign. Oh, uh, that one was actually from the Trump campaign, Leslie. Here's one recently released by the Biden campaign.
How many second chances are we supposed to give you stupid fucking fucks? On November 3rd, cast your vote and just try not to cut your limp little dicks off in the process. Fucking dumbasses.
Interesting strategy, but this close to the election, you have to assume most voters know who they're going to vote for and already can't stand themselves. Are these big national ad spends really worth it? Well, that might be true for a majority of the country, but with some highly contested battleground states still up for grabs, neither campaign wants to give up a chance to let voters know just how unbearably brain dead they find them. Let's take a listen to another Biden ad that's specifically blasting voters in the key swing state of Pennsylvania.
President Trump promised to bring back jobs and you believed him? What is wrong with you? Pennsylvania is completely screwed. Anyone smarter than you would have moved away by now. Oh, there aren't going to be any new jobs.
You have some of the worst nature in America and your accents make you sound like stupid assholes. Also, the Phillies suck. And not to be outdone, a similar message from the Trump campaign in response. Look at you driving around in your massive, ugly cars to your huge shitty houses. You actually think you're good for this country? You're nothing but a waste of time and resources and we'd all be better off if you were dead. And don't think you can go crawl into my opponent because he hates you just as much as I do.
There's nothing worse than an American voter. Good points on both sides, but recent polls have shown that most voters tend to view negative campaign ads that directly called them an asshead unfavorably, so I'm still a bit skeptical. How are average everyday Americans responding? Well, that's a great question, Leslie. I spoke to Richard Ogletree, a mechanic from Detroit, and asked how he felt about being called a dimwitted donkey fucker by the men running for president, and here's what he had to say. When I first heard those ads saying that my family members and I wouldn't know a good vote from our own assholes, I was upset, but then I realized I am honestly too stupid to understand those ads that have policies and whatnot. I don't even really understand the stakes of elections or how any of this works. Those ads are right. I should go fuck myself. Interesting. So who do you think you'll vote for? Well, the Biden ad said I was an unhinged lunatic and the Trump ad called me a loser, so I'm still undecided. Well, at least he has his mind made up on the important issues. And one recent poll suggests that the campaign's gamble to insult Americans to their stupid fucking faces might be paying off, as we could see record turnout this election due to voters' sheer self-hatred. That is good news. Voting is the most important thing after all, even if you do have shit for brains.
Thanks, Rebecca. That's OPR's Rebecca Neal, back in a moment.
We're less than a week away from election day, and while many things still feel very uncertain, there is one thing we know for sure. Whoever wins the presidency next week will be tasked with the extremely difficult job of uniting a country that may be more divided than ever before. But is uniting the country even possible, or are our many differences simply too much to overcome?
OPR's Alan Potts has set out to answer this very question and joins us now. Hello, Alan. Hi, Leslie. Now, Alan, you spent some time engaging with voters on all sides of the political spectrum, is that right? That's right, Leslie.
You know, it can be so easy to demonize the other side, especially online or when you don't know anyone with differing viewpoints from your own. So we wanted to see what happens when you come face to face with someone you adamantly disagree with, and what can be learned just from empathy, from looking into the eyes of someone you disagree with. So we orchestrated this experiment. We have two people diametrically opposed.
We have a 54-year-old man named Rick. He's a rural conservative voter from Missouri, big Trump supporter. And we also have Carrie, who's 29 years old, and she's a hardcore Democrat from Boston.
And we put them in a room alone together to see if they could come to terms with some of their differences. Well, that sounds wonderful. So how long have they been talking? They've been locked up in there since last week. Wait, they've been talking for a week? That's right. And now, right here, live on air, we're going to check in with them and see how their conversations have been going, and see once and for all if uniting the country is indeed possible.
Oh, God. Oh, the smell. Oh, oh, Alan, what did you do?
Oh, they're fine. I'm sure they're fine.
They just haven't had a shower.
So guys, how did it go? How are you feeling? Did you realize there is more that unites us than divides us? Jesus, what the hell happened here, Alan?
Move out of the doorway. Don't use my name.
Well, let me see what's... Oh, oh my God. Listen, they were just in here, okay? I thought if they were locked in a room, they would be forced to talk, you know? You can see my thinking. It's actually very simple.
So I forgot about them over the weekend. So what? What's a weekend, honestly, during these times? Actually, shit, we were off last week. So it was two weekends.
Fuck. They're dead. Maybe they're just sleeping. For two weeks. The human body.
I don't know. Oh God, we got to get them out of here. What do you mean? We have to call someone.
No, no cops, no cops.
Nobody would understand what we were trying to do. We were just trying to bring people together, but they would blame us. You keep saying we, but this was your project.
I did this under the umbrella. I don't care. I'm calling security. Leslie, no. Don't use my name. Both our names have been said aloud.
Now, there's nothing we can do about it. Listen, we need to calm down and focus. If the cops find out we're both going to jail and your life will be over, how long do you think a public radio host would last behind bars, huh? We need to make this work somehow. Oh God, what do we do? We just have to act.
I mean, it's, it's not our fault. It's not? No, no, this is simply the result of the experiment.
These two couldn't even put aside their partisan squabbles to escape a stupid soundproof room. Where's that intern? They need the college credit too much to squeal.
Joy? Joy, get the hell in here. Did you guys need some refills or? Oh my God.
Shut up. Shut the hell up and keep quiet. And don't say my name.
Joy. It's Jessica. I was using code names. It looks like you're going down with us too, Joy.
Joy, just go grab a saw from the supply closet and stop crying. You want those college credits, don't you? But Alan Howe, what do we say happened?
It's a shame that they let their different stances on health care and taxes do this to them. Listen, they should have realized that a lack of water wasn't the enemy, but maybe bureaucratic America's lack of aid in the Flint water crisis.
Clearly this country deserved what's happening to it, right Leslie? Yeah, yeah. Maybe the division in this country is too deep to heal. Exactly. This is very illuminating, actually, now that I think about it. Get the bleach. It's in the supply closet next to the post-its. You can see the woman from Boston clawed at the wall until her fingers were bloody. While it looks like the man is in the fetal position, maybe that says something about the hopelessness of rural Americans versus the greater, albeit naive, optimism of East Coast professionals. My God, is this what the president has done to this country? Are we so divided we can't even figure out how to stay alive without access to food or air or the bathroom? Sure, I like that. Maybe it's all Trump's fault that this happened. I mean, there's an air duct right up there.
Why couldn't they just come together and just climb up? Probably because of immigration or discrimination or something. It's their fault for not overcoming their partisan differences and banding together.
Okay, now put the pieces in the barrel. I learned this from Breaking Bad. Oh, and cover your eyes.
Democrat or Republican, we are all made of the same fragile, stupid, too-weak-to-break-down-the-door bodies. Oh, right. Yeah. They failed to find common ground and it cost them. If nothing else, dialogues like these show that we are all in this together, no matter how we feel about the other side and- What the?
Hey, I have a Jimmy John's delivery for Sweet.
What the hell is this? Who are these people?
No witnesses. Oh, God. Alan, no! No witnesses!
We'll be back in a moment. So as you see, listener, the question of whether or not this country can be brought together is still very much up in the air. Let's just hope whatever side wins is willing to fund all the therapy I'm going to need. Also, if you tell anyone about what happened here today, well, let's just say there's plenty more room in that acid barrel for you and your loved ones, so keep your mouth shut. Now, here's what else you need to know today.
With only a few days before the election, states across the country are already seeing problems at many of their polling sites, and one election watchdog group is up in arms as they say long lines of the polls as they say long lines of the polls disenfranchise voters who really need to get home to rub one out. Many voting rights advocacy groups insist that not everyone can take two or three hours out of their day to not be at home quietly masturbating, and that these excessive long lines are nothing more than an extreme form of chicken choking suppression and infringe on your right as a voter to paddle the pink canoe.
And quite a breakthrough on the Red Planet today, as NASA scientists have announced the discovery of dry ice on Mars could mean the planet may one day be suitable for a Halloween party. Wow, I never would have believed something like this could ever happen in my life, but it may only be a matter of time before humanity is doing the Monster Mash up there.
And finally, this weekend may be your last chance to see a few old favorites as Netflix has released its list of Hulu executives that will be disappearing at the end of the month. Oh wow, their families might want to check them out while they still can.
And that's the topical for today, I'm Leslie Price. The news doesn't stop even if the authorities are able to apprehend us, so be sure to visit TheOnion.com for more on all the day's top stories. And for even more exclusive news content, be sure to check out The Topical's Patreon.
We have an all-new Leslie's Mail Sack election special out today that you can hear for as little as $5 a month. And if you want to know who's going to win the presidential election before anyone else does, be sure to tune into Monday's episode of The Topical, where we'll sit down with OPR's immortal election expert, who's only predicted 12 of the 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still let him guess every four years anyway. Boy, I bet those dead voters wish they were him right about now.
Anyway, you won't want to miss it. We'll see you Monday. Oh, exactly. This is very illuminating, actually, now that I think about it.
Get the bleach? It's in the supply closet next to the Post-its. You can see the woman from Boston clawed at the wall until her fingers were bloody.
While it looks like the man is in the fetal position, maybe that says something about the hopelessness of rural Americans versus the greater, albeit naive, optimism of East Coast professionals. My God, is this what the president has done to this country? Are we so divided we can't even figure out how to stay alive without access to food or air or the bathroom?
Oh, sure, I like that.
Maybe it's all Trump's fault that this happened. I mean, there's an air duct right up there. Why couldn't they just come together and just climb up? Probably because of immigration or discrimination or something. It's their fault for not overcoming their partisan differences and banding together.
Okay, now put the pieces in the barrel. I learned this from Breaking Bad. Oh, and cover your eyes. Democrat or Republican, we are all made of the same fragile, stupid, too-weak-to-break-down-the-door bodies.
Oh, right. Yeah.
They failed to find common ground and it cost them. If nothing else, dialogues like these show that we are all in this together, no matter how we feel about the other side and- What the- Hey, I have a Jimmy Jones delivery for Sweet. What the hell is this? Who are these people?
No witnesses. Oh, God, Alan, no! No witnesses!
Alan, we'll be back in a moment. So as you see, listener, the question of whether or not this country can be brought together is still very much up in the air. Let's just hope whatever side wins is willing to fund all the therapy I'm going to need. Also, if you tell anyone about what happened here today, well, let's just say there's plenty more room in that acid barrel for you and your loved ones, so keep your mouth shut. Now, here's what else you need to know today.
With only a few days before the election, states across the country are already seeing problems at many of their polling sites, and one election watchdog group is up in arms as they say long lines at the polls disenfranchise voters who really need to get home to rub one out. Many voting rights advocacy groups insist that not everyone can take two or three hours out of their day to not be at home quietly masturbating, and that these excessive long lines are nothing more than an extreme form of chicken-shoking suppression and infringe on your right as a voter to paddle the pink canoe.
And quite a breakthrough on the red planet today, as NASA scientists have announced the discovery of dry ice on Mars could mean the planet may one day be suitable for a Halloween party. Wow, I never would have believed something like this could ever happen in my life, but it may only be a matter of time before humanity is doing the monster mash up there.
And finally, this weekend may be your last chance to see a few old favorites, as Netflix has released its list of Hulu executives that will be disappearing at the end of the month. Oh wow, their families might want to check them out while they still can.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. The news doesn't stop even if the authorities are able to apprehend us, so be sure to visit TheOnion.com for more on all the day's top stories. And for even more exclusive news content, be sure to check out The Topical's Patreon.
We have an all-new Leslie's Mail Sack election special out today that you can hear for as little as $5 a month. And if you want to know who's going to win the presidential election before anyone else does, be sure to tune into Monday's episode of The Topical, where we'll sit down with OPR's immortal election expert, who's only predicted 12 of the 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still let him guess every four years anyway. Boy, I bet those dead voters wish they were him right about now.
Anyway, you won't want to miss it. We'll see you Monday. |
cracked | why_no_one_could_have_predicted_this_presidential_election_cracked_responds | I want to address something. A while ago, I did a podcast with Schmidy the Clam and cracked editor Kristy Harrison. I very boldly said a couple of things. I first of all said a lot of stuff is up in the air so we don't know everything, but then I also said Sanders definitely won't be the nominee, Donald Trump 1000% won't be the nominee. That is what I said and I said it into a recording device and we preserved it forever.
I think my bold stance at the time was it was going to be Biden v. Bush. That is a bold stance.
Since then a lot of people on Twitter keep saying, remember that time you said Donald Trump was going to be gone in August? Simultaneously. I made some predictions back then. A very long time ago you said that everyone should be worried about Donald Trump because he's just like Hitler. Yeah. A couple of people have come back and said maybe, maybe I was on to something.
I don't need either of you to apologize, obviously.
I do want to apologize for when I was on that podcast I said that it would probably be Marco Rubio as the Republican nominee and I did not realize he's just like a suit that walks around. I like that he kind of went out on the road hitting open mics making Trump jokes. Like something he'd never done at any point in the campaign and he was just like, I'm going to try it finally. He came on the mic and was like, look at Donald Trump, he's got small hands. You know what they say about small hands and then one of the audience is like, small dick, small dick, small dick.
He's like, you can't trust him. Ah, Rubio. That's his first misdirect joke. Very exciting.
Modern elections is such a new thing. We only have 40 some odd presidents. No one is going to be good at predicting elections just because the sample size is so friggin tiny and then it gets even smaller when you're like, oh well we want to talk about modern campaigns and then even smaller when you say we want to talk about modern campaigns that have been around while the internet is around.
Right. If you think about it. We have one president from then. Right. We have one. Yeah. Pretty much. I can't, so you can't really blame me if I got it wrong because I think what I'm trying to say.
I don't think if I'd predicted anything else about the election I'd have been right because I definitely thought if it wasn't Trump it was going to be Bush because he's a Bush. If any Bush was ever going to win, Jeb probably would have been the one we wanted. We shouldn't get too excited that he's out of the race.
Jeb Bush to me this election was me, a person who plays by the rules, and he's also like the entire Stark family from Game of Thrones where he's like, I'm doing the right thing. I'm following the rules. I have honor. Everyone said I'm supposed to be the guy and I like I here's a scroll that says I'm supposed to be the guy.
What's happening?
Donald Trump was like, you f***ing idiot. When he dropped out of the race there's this photo of him surrounded by followers and he's got this look on his face like he is just going to go record a rap album or something.
It's like the most aggressive look. It's a great photo.
He just did a tweet where it said America and there was a picture of a gun that said Governor Jeb Bush on it and then it seemed like he was very sad in his subtext of that. Like see this is a country I have to put my name on it otherwise I can't run for president. Like his wife definitely bought him that guy for a gift and just the guy was like we do engraving. He said oh yeah I think he liked that and he opened it and was like oh f*** America tweeted it out. I'm tweeting his wife. Also very hard gun to commit crimes with. Your name is on the thing. It was a strip of prints that used ammonia to get rid of the prints and all the DNA was thrown in a lake but it said Governor Jeb Bush on it so we got some leads.
Now that Bush is out I feel like we need to do more predictions for what we think is going to happen with these other candidates. So the field is narrowing. What do we think is going to happen?
I'm still Biden Bush. I believe Donald Trump is going to get the nomination unless there's some kind of backdoor deal at the convention which I think would be chaos. That's what I think is going to happen because that's the only explanation I have for why all these people are still in the race why Rubio and Cruz are still in the race because they're not going to you're not going to pick up the amount of delegates you need in just Florida but you stay in long enough to have a broken convention where we throw out both the popular vote and the delegates and the party just sort of decides who their nominee is going to be. I don't know why else Cruz and Rubio are still here. They want to be like an 1800s convention where like you just kind of do primaries and then boss tweet is like this guy.
We like Arthur. Arthur's our guy.
There's no way Trump doesn't go independent. You think if they don't nominate him he's just going to go okay he's bought himself free media coverage for the next four to eight years to say here's what current President Clinton is doing here's what I would have done better like he's going to be a troll for the next four to eight years saying what he would have done had he been president. I also in my head when you said he'd be a troll for the next four to eight years I was like what next and it's probably like he's a Pokemon and just becomes his next form of troll after that you know like he has extra arms now and tweets three ways. We have like eight candidates and none of them are people who have a clear national path to win the presidency.
Yeah that's true. Which is weird because one of them gets to be president eventually. Yeah yeah.
You go down the line starting with Adam I want who do you think are going to be the two nominees and then who do you think is going to win. Adam go. The two nominees will be Trump and Clinton and Trump wins.
I think it's going to be. I think it's going to be Clinton and Trump and then just the whole nation will awake. They'll be like oh what if I've been doing it. It will all be in bathrobes on our lawns like oh my god I'm a real person I forgot.
I thought it was the matrix but it's not I got to change my vote. It will pick not Donald Trump.
I'm going Clinton Rubio and I'm saying Clinton's going to win. Bold. Always go bold. Hey you guys thanks so much for watching this response about the election in the comments let us know who you think is right about what's going to happen in this election.
It could be any of the three of us. Probably Adam. Probably. Historically it's been Adam so historically.
I like how that sounds. That's amazing.
Arms now and tweets three ways. We have like eight candidates and none of them are people who have a clear national path to win the presidency.
Yeah that's true. Which is weird because one of them gets to be president eventually. Yeah yeah.
Go down the line starting with Adam I want who do you think are going to be the two nominees and then who do you think is going to win. Adam go. The two nominees will be Trump and Clinton and Trump wins. I think it's going to be. I think it's going to be Clinton and Trump and then just the whole nation will awake.
They'll be like oh what if I've been doing it. We'll all be in bathrobes on our lawns like oh my god I'm a real person I forgot.
I thought it was the matrix but it's not I've got to change my vote. It will pick not Donald Trump. I'm going Clinton Rubio and I'm saying Clinton's going to win.
Bold. Always go bold.
Hey you guys thanks so much for watching this response about the election in the comments let us know who you think is right about what's going to happen in this election. It could be any of the three of us. Probably.
Historically it's been Adam so. Historically.
I like how that sounds. That's amazing. |
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