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dropout | hardly_working_time_traveler | Fine, you don't want to go to Jumper with me? I'll go by myself.
Hey, Pat, you want to go to the movies? Oh, yeah, sure. Um, do you guys want my old iPod? Yeah, I'll take it.
Why are you getting rid of it? Uh, because it's a piece of shit. It only has 8 gigs. My new one has 16 gigs, so...
Oh, whoa, fuck man, what is that? Hey, what is that, Pat?
My word! My word, it's worked! My time device has worked! Huzzah!
Where are you from, man? I am a traveler from the distant past. I've created a device that can move forward and leeward through time! I've come to study your advanced society! It's incredible. What wondrous technologies your brave new world must possess! What sort of advanced tablet is this? By my reckoning, some kind of cigarette case for your lunar vacations?
No? No, no, it's an iPod. You use it to listen to music. A portable gramophone?
You know, if you think that's cool, my mind's actually bigger. Yes, yes, I'm already looking at one of those as you can plainly see. Well, you don't understand, mine has more gigabytes. Gigabytes?
Tell me, do all future men speak in such brutish tongues or just lonely street urchins like you? What ringing is this? Yellow, you're talking to Jeff. My word, have you done what I think you've done? Have you harnessed the power of the telegraph, lines and wires and all, and boxed it in this device?
That bone is like 20 years old. This is a modern... That's a modern... This is nothing less than a gift from God, man. Jeff is not God, OK? I mean, look at him, his fly is open. Marvel of marbles.
How did I not think of it myself? A series of interlocking metal teeth to fasten one's trousers. Why, buttons would be obsolete. What other technological wonders do you possess, sir? Jake, help me out here.
Look, man, let's just go to the movie, all right? We're going to be late. Movie? You couldn't possibly mean moving pictures. Yes, we do. Tell me, what do you future men watch on these moving screens? Well, we watch movies like the Godfather...
Jeff, you're an idiot. You told them all the wrong stuff. I mean, who knows how bad a new fucked up history. |
dropout | absentee_parent_cooking_show_with_nolan_gould | Oh hey, I'm Duncan Strieber.
So you're home from school and my mom and dad don't get home till 9 o'clock.
Doesn't mean you can't enjoy an exquisite meal.
Last week I showed you how to make buddy bars wrapped in uncooked pilled berry dough and then microwaved. Today we're going to be working with one of my favorite ingredients, Dunkaroo icing. Now a lot of people think Dunkaroo icing is just for Dunkaroos.
Not true.
You can also dunk Teddy Grahams, croutons, and once I even used the mechanical pencil and just sucked it off the end. Okay now I'm going to show you something that goes really good with this. Balled up Wonder Bread. So basically just take a slice and sort of do this. Roll it up. See? Now I went ahead and preballed a few slices.
Yum. Hey mom. 930? Yeah, I'll be fine. Hey, I got an outstanding spelling test. Did you hear me? Never mind. I love you. Okay, well all this is going on.
Let me show you a really fun treat. Take a fruit roll-up and stick it on the roof of your mouth like this. It's like a retainer. You can suck on whenever you want.
Let's move on to our main course. You'll need one teaspoon of string cheese, one sleeve of Ritz un-sifted, and a pack of gummy sharks. Now what I've done is separated the great whites because we're going to add them later. And if you don't have gummy sharks, you can substitute them with just as jaggies from fresh pouches gooey snacks.
Oh hey, Eric. You want to try my... Listen to our ingredients. Now we need the perfect beverage to complement all our hard work.
Here's that three liter of warm cola I got from the garage. It should go nicely. Oh, great. It's on the counter. The only way to enjoy three liter cola from the garage. Time for a knockout palate cleanser. You can find this almost anywhere. I like to get mine from the fridge door right next to Thousand Islands dressing. Yeah, that's oily.
All right, let's move back to our main course. Now make sure you use medium heat and also that mom's not home because I'm not supposed to use the stove. Okay, we'll just let that do its thing. Well, it's time for me to chow down. I'm Duncan Streetburn. Bon Appetit. |
cracked | disturbing_things_hotel_workers_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | Hey, I'm Dave, I can check you in, but quick question, I'm not gonna find you dead in a few hours, am I? Sorry, is that too forward? Are you thinking, you tell me, is this place haunted? Jack Nicholson gonna axe me? But it's actually not that strange a question.
Almost anybody who works at a hotel long enough eventually encounters a dead body. We find them in rooms we're about to clean, in the parking lot after they jump out the window, and we once had a lady somehow die falling down the laundry chute, true story. Yes, I know, death is obviously worse for the people actually, you know, dying, but it sucks for the staff too.
This one time I helped a woman check in who wanted a room on the highest possible floor and on the front of the building. You can probably guess where this is going. Just a short while later, I heard a loud thud, almost like a car had hit a wall and felt the area around me shake. I saw one of the maintenance guys inside the lobby barely able to stand. His radio was turned up and I heard nothing but yelling. The next 10 to 15 minutes were a circus. Guests in the lobby crowding around the door, cell phones out, security, trying to control the crowd, managers trying to clear guests from the lobby, cops showing up. When my boss took security and the police up to the lady's room, they found a suitcase open full of her documents and things.
I went home and just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. I didn't know how to process what I saw and it took me a while to fully get over it. Nothing really prepares you for something like that. They don't exactly cover this stuff in Hospitality 101. But again, that story isn't unique to me at all.
The thing is, for over a hundred years, hotels have been what I guess you'd call a popular suicide destination. That's right, my name is Larry and I'm a crime scene cleanup specialist who has worked hundreds of these cases. See, the thing about hotels is they offer a few advantages over dying at home. Some suicide victims are worried the wrong person or nobody will find the body or they just don't want to be rude and mess up their house. Hotels also host plenty of guests going through divorce or some other kind of life upheaval. It's a mix of happy people on vacation and miserable people who wish they were at home. Add it all up and suicide researchers regard hotels and motels as lethal locations since according to one study, people are over 19 times more likely to commit suicide there compared to literally anywhere else. And that's just suicides. Other studies show hotels and motels are a magnet for every conceivable type of unnatural death. Visitors are usually away from their families and support systems so you find a higher rate of smoking, drug use, and or mental breakdowns. Guests are also often killed by everything from gun murders to this one random time when I had to clean up after a guy would throw cancer had his throat rupture while he was in the hotel and he bled out on the floor. So to answer your question, yeah, this hotel is probably haunted. But to be fair, they're probably all haunted. But hey, it's not like everybody who goes into a hotel dies.
So like we said, whether it's because yay, vacation, or boo, I just got fired, sometimes people take drugs here. And while sometimes drugs make you die, sometimes they just make you hack your penis off. I heard about this pretty big hotel where a guy called the front desk to inform them Satan was telling him to chop his meat flute off.
They sent somebody up to check on him and what do you know, he'd actually done it. But at least he did it cleanly. Unlike one guy I cleaned up after who tried to saw his pink corn cob off with car keys. At least that other guy used a pretty sharp blade, but it was still like somebody shot a squait gun all over the room. They also couldn't reattach it, which is weird because he'd done such a good job cutting it. Unlike the key guy who did get his reattached.
Is that too much?
We got a priest to come and bless the room and have an exorcism because our Catholic housekeepers were refusing to go on that side of the hotel. You know, because of Satan. I don't like Satan. Be gone, possessor of cocks.
That satisfied everybody. So maybe nobody died in your room. They just sprayed their wiener blood over every conceivable soy fish. But it's okay. It's probably also been blessed by a priest. I declare this room free from dick demons. Yeah.
You're probably wondering why this is the first time anybody's mentioned this. Well, for some reason hotels believe dead bodies and severed penises might be bad for business. So most of the time employees are banned from speaking with the press.
Our job is simply to clean everything up and get the room ready again as soon as possible. Usually it takes about a week turnaround for a room to be ready again.
Everything needs to be discrete. If I'm going to a high-end hotel, I already know I can't wear shorts with my company logo. I take the bodies and items out of the hotel in black bags before transferring them to red biohazard bags in the truck outside. Nothing can be marked and a lot of the time I'm even snuck in through back elevators.
But that doesn't always stop guests from learning the truth. Sometimes they're excited about it. Remember the laundry shoot woman? Well, there was debate about whether it was an accident or intentional. We once had a group of women staying with us for a bachelorette party. They came down to wait for their Uber and one girl walks up to me and randomly asks, can I move to the room where that woman was murdered? This kind of thing is actually pretty common. The Beverly Hilton retired the number 434 because it was the room where Whitney Houston died and people came from all over the world demanding to sleep in the same bed she'd died in.
I'm not weird or anything. I just want my entire bachelorette party to be pipped off one by one by a vengeful ghost. Right, girls?
As you'd probably assume, a nicer hotel will do a better job of cleaning up a dead body and its related fluids than a shitty motel will. What you might not realize is how. High-end hotels will usually replace anything that gets even a couple of spots of blood on them and just charge the cleanup directly to the deceased. But lower-end hotels might not have a card on file, so they need to pay for it themselves, meaning they're gonna spend as little as possible. I knew a carpet cleaning company who kept getting balls from a cheap motel, wanting them to use their carpet cleaning equipment to remove carpet blood stains instead of replacing it, even though that would basically never work. Even worse, sometimes people are shot or stabbed in a bed and the mattress becomes soaked with blood, but a cheap place will just bring in some guys to try and suck the blood out of the mattress rather than, again, replacing it. If that doesn't work, they'll just cover the stains with a mattress pad and call it a day. So now that you know what's really going on in hotels, you're probably wondering how you can tell if somebody has died in your room.
Well, the trick is to look for mismatched carpet, or anywhere the carpet seems to have been replaced. Same thing with wallpaper and blinds. Sometimes you get lucky and they've only replaced the carpet because somebody pissed a shed on it, but it's usually because somebody bled on it. A few other helpful tips could be looking for weird amounts of flies in the light fixtures, avoiding smelly AC units, noticing odd wall bumps, or never leaving your house ever again.
Yeah, or that. You should probably do that. |
ClickHole | the_task_force_in_charge_of_making_sure_elvis_didn_t_die_on_the_toilet_explain_what_went_wrong | 911, what is your emergency? Oh God. Hello? Sir?
It's my toilet. Elvis has died on it. My name is Michael Dorst. In 1977 I got a phone call from Elvis. He said, Hello, this is Fat Elvis. I'd like to hire you to assemble an elite task force to prevent me from dying on the toilet, which is the worst way to die according to the Bible. So what do you say? The next day I moved into Graceland.
One of the main obstacles we faced was that Elvis's house had over a hundred toilets. Elvis told us it was smart to have lots of toilets around because it was illegal for the police to arrest you if you were sitting on a toilet. You have to understand, this wasn't young Elvis whose favorite hobbies were not being fat Elvis and having just one toilet. This was later Elvis, whose favorite hobbies were being fat Elvis and always having hundreds of toilets. And he was paranoid and difficult to manage. We wanted to minimize the amount of contact Elvis had with the toilets, so we came up with a solution to have someone else shit for Elvis. Well, we essentially connected this guy to Elvis with a tube, and his job was to shit out whatever Elvis ate. That guy went everywhere with Elvis.
Eventually he started to get a bit of a following. He was signing autographs, and then he wrote a best-selling memoir.
Well, that made Elvis incredibly jealous, and he refused to let anyone shit for him after that. So we had to change our strategy. I don't want to disrespect Mike, but his approach to the mission was, in my opinion, too rigid and failed to account for all the dangerous thrusting Elvis was doing around the toilets. Over the years, Elvis's signature hip thrusting had fallen out of fashion, so he wanted to find a new body part to sexually thrust, and unfortunately, he chose his eyeballs. Elvis would stand there and say, ooh, mama, I'm going to jail for kissing a hound dog, and then thrust his eyeballs out of his head and onto the floor. Elvis was trying to recapture his youth It was just sad, and also incredibly dangerous. He would often slip out his eyeballs and fall headfirst into one of his many toilets.
I had my guys fishing Elvis out of toilets around the clock, and we actually had the situation relatively under control, and then the impersonators showed up. Elvis returned from Las Vegas one time, having befriended a bunch of Elvis impersonators because they were the only people he could relate to at that point, and they would just be hanging around Graceland all the goddamn time, impersonating everything Elvis did. If Elvis got a glass of water, the impersonators got a glass of water. If Elvis slipped on his eyeballs and fell on the toilet, the impersonators slipped on their eyeballs and fell on the toilet. It was chaos. Well, the impersonators made it very hard to keep track of which Elvis was the Elvis we were supposed to be keeping from dying on the toilet.
911, what is your emergency?
One day, I come around the corner, and I see Elvis drowning headfirst in a toilet, so I initiate CPR. I get there, and Jim's doing chest compressions and screaming, Don't you die on the toilet on me, Elvis. All of a sudden, he starts breathing, and he says, Uh, thank you very much. I'm not Elvis. Meanwhile, the real Elvis had heard someone was dying in his house and figured the police might be coming to arrest him, so he started looking for a toilet to sit on, but all his toilets were being used by Elvis impersonators, impersonating the fake Elvis dying on the toilet. So Elvis broke into his neighbor's house, and sat on his toilet, and I guess he got hungry and decided to eat that Snickers bar.
Everyone knows not to eat Snickers on the toilet. It says so right on the packaging.
By the time we found him, it was too late. Take my hand It was a tragedy. We had a mission, and we failed. I will never forgive myself for letting Elvis die on the toilet. For I can't help falling in love with you |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_god_made_up | God is so clearly made up by humans just like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or trio the Arbor Day tree You know the tree with the tree with the top hat first of all I want to say hi to my nana my pop-pop They watch all these videos and I love them very much. Hi guys. Thanks for watching. Are they gone? Okay, cool. Yeah, that shit's made up.
God is great Okay, it is so refreshing to have a father figure where I'm the one who doesn't believe in him. God is different to everyone I mean the Hindus they have Vishnu the Buddhists have Buddha and I have the one true Christian God who actually exists I mean, my religion is true Judaism and everybody else's is wrong.
How do I know?
Because Jesus was Jewish.
So your God was my religion I mean like what what beats a royal flush, you know, it's I think that's game over You know so many writers have written eloquently about atheism Douglas Adams Christopher Hitchens And God's killed all of them. So say your prayers Dawkins. He's coming for you You know, God isn't just what the church teaches you I mean God could be in anything like a mountain or a river or even this weird pyramid eye that's been following me Yeah, okay in a minute Friends have you read the greatest book ever written? It's called the firm by John Grisham a crackling courtroom drama from the master of the legal thriller right now I'm reading this which I picked up at an airport. It's okay It's a little little long kind of jumps all over the place a little preachy religion has had a profound Transformative effect on my life. It's transformed my Facebook feed from boring to insufferable If you ever want to convince yourself, there is no God just try talking to an atheist. It's horrible What kind of God would allow those assholes to exist and the God is a person God is just the word we use For like a true honest moment of unselfish connection with another human being So no, God doesn't exist The great thing about not believing in God is that you you could just not talk about it It doesn't matter if you believe in God you usually define yourself by that but not believing is just like cool Let's talk about Breaking Bad now next thing if I actually like witnessed a miracle like on Game of Thrones You know you actually see the red God doing things like he's bringing people back to life if I saw that I'd start worshiping Religion is not a scam. There is a God and she is good Sorry, mr. God |
TheOnion | Cutest_Guy_In_Whole_Office_Not_Even_Particularly_Attractive | While Digital Communications Coordinator Brian Tyler is considered by many of his coworkers to be the cutest guy around the offices of Western Psychological Publishing Services, employees of the Torrance, California-based company conceded today the 27-year-old is not even particularly attractive. Brian gets a lot of attention from girls around here, but if I saw him in a bar, I don't know if I would even notice him. Put him next to Glen or Mike and then, sure, he actually looks pretty good. Yeah, I mean, sure, he's better looking than me, but it's not like he's David Beckham or something. Co-workers explained to reporters that by everyday standards, Tyler would at best be considered moderately good looking, but explained that given the abundance of unattractive men at the publishing firm, female employees often go out of their way to make small talk with the 27-year-old at his desk or eat lunch with him in the office kitchen. I saw him walking to work the other day and half the guys on the street were easily better looking than him, but here, he's the hottest guy around.
It's almost kind of sad. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd still fuck him. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | why_the_gold_apple_watch_costs_10_000 | The Gold Apple Watch is a truly revolutionary product, but its most groundbreaking feature is that it allows you to communicate with unrivaled accuracy that you have $10,000. What sets the Gold Apple Watch apart from your average Rolex is that everyone knows exactly how much it costs. People will be like, holy shit, doesn't that thing cost $10,000? Then they'll know you have that much money. Apple Watch comes in gold, steel and aluminum. And because all three are functionally identical, the only difference between them is how much money you make. The Gold Apple Watch saves so much time.
If I want to check my net worth, for instance, I just look at my wrist. Oh yeah, I'm rich.
The Apple Watch gives you a revolutionary new way to communicate with your loved ones. Instead of writing them a text that says how you feel, they can just look at your wrist and they will know. The Gold Apple Watch, the best $10,000 you'll ever spend.
Until two years from now and you'll need to buy another one. |
dropout | i_want_to_believe_in_a_good_x_files_reboot | These new HR rules suck. I mean Grant complains one time and now there's a address code and we have to wear these stupid name tags.
Have you read the news this morning? Fox announces six new episodes of The X-Files.
I mean I don't see anything special here. It's just another TV reboot. This is what we've been searching for. A TV revival that isn't just another dumb money grab. Signs of an intelligent reboot. Pat, are you seriously suggesting that this new X-Files is gonna be good? Is it really so hard to believe? In all the millions of hours of television out there in the universe isn't it possible, nay, inevitable that one of them would be a not terrible reboot of an older show? I'm skeptical Pat. Time and time again these reboots have turned out to be lesser versions of the original series. That new Melrose place?
The Knight Rider thing? Not to mention everything from the UK. I mean... No, no, no. Those were remakes. Siobhan, lazy dramas exploiting a familiar name. This? This is for real. A continuation of the original storyline.
How do you know that? I had help. After Pat came to us with the news we started researching. What we found was like whoa man. Creator Chris Carter is attached. Jillian Anderson and David Duchovny signed on. How did you find all of this? First we sent a Hydra into the DOG network to bypass the firewall. And then we just realized it was all on Google.
How could the show attract this much talent if the script wasn't great? Mass delusion, society convincing itself that something is good on a huge scale. I mean look at the last X-Files film. That movie was terrible.
Absence of proof is not proof of absence. Just because one X-Files sequel lacked quality doesn't eliminate the possibility that the next one won't be great. I don't know, Pat. Why is it so hard for you to believe Siobhan?
Even you must have once stayed up late staring with wonder at the cosmos. I did and I will admit that it was a good sequel to the original cosmos.
But look, I'm a scientist and I need proof. The proof is everywhere. People are just too blind to see it. 2004. Thousands of Americans report eyewitness accounts of a totally decent Dawn of the Dead remake.
Pat, I just wish there was something that we could do. There is something. Or should I say, some thing that is a person. So like someone? Yes.
Pat, I don't like this. We should keep searching on our own. Good luck with that. This goes deeper than you can possibly imagine. Why are we here? It doesn't matter who I am. That's not what I asked.
Zach, are you beeping? I have proof that the new X-Files will be good. I operate at the show's highest level, the craft service table. That doesn't sound very high up. Raise your hand if you straight-up made David Duchovny Anomaly. Okay, fine.
Just show us the proof. It's not that simple. You think Fox wants to kind of overhype that proof like this would bring? The show would never live up to it. This information is dangerous.
Hey! You can't smoke in here. We're inside. Come on, man. You got to go.
Do I, Grant? Do I, really? Yeah, we're gonna. Hi, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
TheOnion | Man_Approaching_Attractive_Woman_Fails_To_Notice_Chelsea_Handler_Book_Until_It_s_Too_Late | A man approaching an attractive woman fails to notice her Chelsea Handler book until it's too late. A severe allergic reaction causes Florida to swell up to twice its normal size. And a Ford assembly line worker is thinking about asking out a cute welding robot from work. It's time for the weekly feature with over 14 subliminal and completely unapologetic cues to purchase Energizer batteries. This is the Onion Week in Review.
National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre announced Monday that somewhere around a thousand students would have to die in a school shooting for his organization to reconsider its long-standing opposition to gun control. Saying that seven or eight hundred dead children was not quite enough for the organization to stop urging Congress to pass pro-gun legislation, LaPierre said he would want to see a thousand or two thousand students in body bags before relenting on his views. Yeah, a thousand dead kids. It shot up pretty good. That's pretty much the only way we'd rethink much of anything. Then again, if it's a state university, something like that, I'd imagine we'd need to see numbers closer to eight thousand dead kids, you know, something like that.
Poets across the nation issued a statement Thursday announcing that shadows, inky sharp as the raven's beak, meet the clouds like dusty charcoal on an ashen brow. Citing the ageless gloom of morning and a weary sun, its astral luminescence wrapped in arid gauze, the report noted that doubt lingers in the frail minutes of a young dawn. For what is the sound of hope? For what is life's moment of fulfillment? The supple lie of spring prolongs the inquisition. Father! Do you not sense the dread of autumn's looming song danced in trembling half step?
One, two. The poets later added, woom, woom, woom.
Area man Brett Lussier told reporters Tuesday he was left-winded after placing a particularly lengthy lunch order at a local Wendy's. And some french fries and I... A weary Lussier said he struggled to get through the seven item order and even suffered a cramp while asking for the spicy chicken sandwich. I thought I was just about done after I ordered that junior bacon cheeseburger, but I was able to get that frosty in there too. And in local news, a sad sack is bullied by an area goose. In other news, a photographer specializes in those pictures where lights going by really fast look like lines, an entree is apparently the kind you squeeze lime over, and employees finally get that break room bathtub they wanted. In your hands right now are the 24 AA Energizer lithium batteries you were subconsciously manipulated into purchasing. We make no apology. For more, visit theonion.com slash Newsbeat. |
dropout | old_people_use_a_computer_the_game_show | These are all reasonably intelligent adults, but it's anyone's guess who will come out on top when it's time to use a computer! Contestants, you all randomly selected your next task during the commercial break. Reba will be attempting to create a new Hotmail account, then pulling an unfunny joke to her coworkers. You'll be trying to find the name of that movie with Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier, while Fred will have to scan a picture of his grandkids and then send it on over to his squash partners. Ready? On your marks, get set, go! And they're off, this is exciting, what kind of challenges do you think are the most difficult today, Carl? There are no difficult challenges, just old contestants.
Oh, look at this, Reba comes out to an early lead, it almost seems as if she knows what she's doing out there. But does she know what she's doing? Alby is reading a Windows warranty card. It can never be too careful, Carl. Maybe not, but that's as close as you're gonna get. Oh, and that's gonna be an uphill battle. Well, time to get your mountain shoes on. Reba may have found the answer in that help file, but she can't seem to close it. It's tough finding that big red X, if only it were bigger and redder. Meanwhile, Alby is trying to change the channel. Fred thinks he's figured out that scanner when in fact it's the scanner that's figured out Fred.
What a setback! And it's all for naught. It looks like that picture is taped to the back of his head. Now, how does that get there? I don't know. It's almost impressive how dumb that is.
I'm starting over.
Unprecedented, but is it too late? Now as you know, any contestant can pick up a cell phone and bother a grandchild at any time. Though as we've seen too often, they don't have to answer. Now, they rarely do.
Carl, look at this, Fred is using a camera to take a picture of a picture of his grandchildren. Now, you've used a computer before, is that even legal? I'm not sure, but anything that gets us to the end of the show faster is okay by me. Alby taking an unorthodox approach to using the internet. Meanwhile, Reba may already be a winner of three free iPod nattos and an Xbox 360. Fred's ready to send a picture. This could be it. Alby is still in this.
He thinks it's ducks. But is it Carl? But is it ducks? No, it's obviously a computer. Look at it.
Fred Wilson! Fred wins! There are no winners on this show.
Well, you certainly made it look easy, but how will he do in the World of Warcraft round? We'll be right back. Do I need dice for them? No, it's on the computer. |
dropout | pussyface_super_villain_extraordinaire | Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, where am I, I got some milk for you, detective. Pussy face. That's right Jack, and look what I dragged in. What's the matter Jack, the cat got your wife. Son of a bitch. The gun Jack sent it this way. If you hurt her, I swear to god. You don't give me orders doggy. I brought you your money, what more do you want?
Well I'd like these cops off my tail, maybe a chopper out of the city. I don't have that kind of time. You'll make that kind of time. I'd also like a laser pointer.
Fine. And a box of sand for me to fuck around in. Fine. Yeah. I'll take my gun. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, don't move, don't move, don't move. Stay there, stay there, come on. Okay, yeah, yeah, I get it, comforter. Dying breaths and all, it's okay. What?
I didn't mean to kill her, Jack, she's my leverage. I don't usually have two guns in my hand, I don't know how to use them both at the same time. It's a mistake.
This was just a total bunkhole of not you down. I still have the guns, jerk off, and you still have a chopper. Oh fuck man, this is real. Cancel the chopper bro, I'm out man, I'll get a bus, for hell I'll buy a bus, because this is what it's all about. This is why your bitch is dead, it's all- Just get out of here, just go. Fair enough, that's for me.
Cat always lands on his feet, always. Never lift a cat's tail, Jack.
It's where our buttholes are. I'd also like some transparent glass that only I can see through something real magic. No. He said something, he said something random, that's random dawg. |
ClickHole | lies_all_couples_tell_each_other | Wait, I invited my parents over for dinner tomorrow.
Is that okay? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I love your parents. I'm so sorry I'm late. The traffic was just crazy. Oh, it's totally fine.
Every morning I wake up and I give birth to a horse. Is the horse quiet? No, it's a loud horse.
I've been alive since the beginning of time. I'm wearing a mask right now. Oh, is it a good mask? Yeah, it's a good one. I love it. I'm going out for a second. Okay, I'm back.
I'm asleep right now and I'm dreaming that spiders are eating Jesus Christ.
Hey, sweetie. You know the moon? Yeah. The moon has an angry sister.
I come from the deep. I'm talking, like, the bottom of the ocean. It's where I was born. I love it.
The salad was invented by a man named Jeffrey Salad. He died yesterday. He was 37 years old.
I've seen God. Really? Yeah. Was he big? No. He was small.
There's a channel on TV that's just a 24-hour close-up shot of my father's eyes. It's like the Yule log, but instead it's just my father's eyes looking all over the place.
There are six of me. Right now, instead of being here, I'm in a dark room far away. I cannot see or hear anything in the dark room, but even though I cannot see anything, I know that there is a child in the room with me. And even though I cannot hear anything, I know that the child is laughing.
There is no eating, only drinking. Eating doesn't happen? No, eating never happens. Only drinking happens.
Hey, babe. Oh. Babe. What? Everybody is a thousand years old. Okay. |
dropout | exercise_counts_more_if_it_s_hard | We all want to be healthy, but it seems like every diet and fitness regimen just boils your life down to confusing, overly scientific numbers. Heart rate, body mass? I'm a human being, not a spreadsheet.
Introducing Heart Break, the world's first fitness app that factors your emotional life into your diet. Normally, my morning jog burns 150 calories, but today I didn't want to go running, so burn 500! Heart Break's emoji select screen takes your inner turmoil and translates it into the calories you deserve to have burned. I was super bummed when I found out my childhood friend's girlfriend's dog might have cancer. So now, each of these curls counts for about a Big Mac's worth of calories. Thanks Heart Break! Heart Break also knows which calories shouldn't count, because come on!
My boss sent me a weird email.
Sounds good to me. 30 minutes of yoga is great for my body and my schedule. And Heart Break will double my time workout whenever I'm holding in a fart. Which is always. Don't worry! Doing yoga when you're embarrassed actually quadruples your time. Two hours of yoga in 30 minutes? I like that.
The app has everything you need to give us a full picture of your health and lifestyle. From night owls to early birds, we've got you covered. Use our voice recognition software to cajole and wheedle the app down when it gives you an unsatisfactory calorie total.
Alright, I know I only did 13 jumping jacks, but honestly, dealing with Jen and Sarah's breakup is taking up all my emotional bandwidth. I just started my period and my shower's water pressure is suddenly like meh. So frankly, it's amazing I even showed up here at all.
Life's ups and downs shouldn't count for nothing, so why not download the app that literally won't open on your phone from November 1st through February 15th? Looks like this pie is going to have to go unlogged. Thanks Heart Break.
From the makers of Screw It, the day planner for flakes and losers. Hey gang, it's Brendan from College Humor. If you liked that last one, make sure to sign up for Dropout where you can hang out with the cast and crew in our exclusive Dropout Discord server.
Caveat, the Discord server's full of bees. I mean, it's physically full of bees. If you log on, bees will start to come out of your computer. I don't have a problem with that because they are just honeybees, which are actually good for the environment, so. |
cracked | 5_times_kevin_conroy_was_the_best_batman_canonball | On November 10, 2022, the world tragically lost Kevin Conroy, who came to define Batman for generations of comic book fans by lending his voice to the Dark Knight in Batman the Animated Series, the new Batman Adventures, Batman Beyond, the Arkham games, and a whole bunch of DC Universe animated original movies. With a Bat career spanning 30 years, Kevin Conroy was more than just an actor playing a character, he was the voice of our childhoods, and teens, and adulthoods, and specific days of the week, for those who observe Bat Monday, and while that voice was reliably badass and awesome in every possible way, it could also be inspiring, vulnerable, even heartfelt at times. The beauty of Conroy's Batman is that he wasn't just the reason every underground spine surgeon in Gotham had a summer home on their second yacht, he was a hero who deeply cared about the people in his life, and even some of his villains. And in this episode, we're taking a look at the most touching, uplifting, and heartwarming performances from Kevin Conroy as Batman.
We're talking about believing in the good in drug-pedaling mobsters, not giving up on some of his oldest enemies, and giving people hope during the darkest moment in modern American history. This is Cannonball. Number 5.
Batman tries to help Harley Quinn. In the episode Harley's Holiday of Batman the Animated Series, Joker's main henchwoman is released from Arkham Asylum, presumably after they received news from the future about how many beautiful women dated Pete Davidson, and decided that being attracted to a weird clown isn't grounds for imprisonment in a mental hospital. So I gotta be real with you guys, you look like fucking clowns. Batman is even there on the eve of her release and shakes her hand. Batman's handshake is worth like 10 Paul Hollywood handshakes. Back off, fuck boy! Bats does hold on a bit too long for effect, but he does genuinely seem happy that one of his most enduring villains is finally turning over a new leaf, and he later shows that he means it. Due to a misunderstanding at a department store, a free Harley believes she's being accused of stealing a dress, so she panics and reverts back to her clown persona, in the same place that Bruce Wayne was shopping with his latest beard. But instead of sneaking away, cowling up and bringing out the nice brass knuckles coated in itchy acid for an extra spicy kick of street justice, Bruce tries to resolve the situation as himself. He actually goes to Harley as Bruce Wayne and tries to calmly talk her down, realizing that she's just spiraling from fear of being sent back to Arkham. And while all he gets for his troubles is a smack on the head and a pretty hilarious line, Batman never gives up on Harley.
He spends the rest of the episode trying to catch her with the full intention of helping her, because he doesn't want to ruin her chance at freedom and happiness. But then things go from bad to worse, like tank worse, and that's the worst possible kind of worse. After a big sky high finale where the two fight on tops of Gotham buildings, Batman ultimately has no choice but to bring Harley back to Arkham. But even then, he makes sure she knows that he won't judge her based on one bad day. When Harley, having realized that Batman was on her side the entire time, asks why he tried to help her, he simply replies. The line won't mean that much to Harley, but audiences understand. Which what a personal thing that was for him to share. It's also said with just a hint of sadness, masterfully woven into the delivery by Conroy, making the line all the more powerful. In the end, Batman even gives Harley the dress that she paid for, as an ultimate sign of believing in her rehabilitation.
This lovely scene is then sadly ruined when Harley kisses Bats right in front of Poison Ivy. Who looks at Robin like, can you believe this shit? Yeah, good luck getting back into her good graces, Harley. It's not like you can bring her flowers and say sorry. That would only make her angrier.
Eh, what are you looking at? Number 4.
Yikes. There's just something icky about that smile. That may be because, in that scene, Batman's grinning because he just learned that he's going to get laid with his bat cowl off. I guess there isn't anything inherently gross about the character smiling, as long as he has a wholesome reason.
And he has a pretty good one, in the animated series episode, Beware the Grey Ghost. Alright, so in that one, a mad bomber is terrorizing Gotham, using methods from an old TV show called The Grey Ghost, about a masked vigilante fighting from the shadows to protect his city. A show that young Bruce was a big fan of, dressing up as the main character and having his action figure at the ready for every episode. But there was another consistent element to his Grey Ghost watches, his dad.
In most of the flashback scenes, Thomas Wayne is there when his son watches the show, once carrying him to bed after he falls asleep. But since Bruce remembers this, it means he was just pretending to be asleep, so his dad would carry him. I guess Bruce Wayne learned the art of deception at a very young age.
What was that? What are you, sinking away? No.
Despite that bit of trickery though, it's genuinely nice to see Bruce having memories of his parents that don't end with them becoming involuntary blood donors in a filthy alley. In later scenes, where an adult Bruce is rewatching the show for clues, he looks so calm and is actually smiling, because the show isn't just something he used to enjoy as a kid, it was something he used to do with his dad. Later, when he teams up with the actor who played the Grey Ghost, the first sentence he says to him about his connection to the show is... As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. In Batman's mind, the show was forever linked with his dad. It's one of the precious good memories he managed to make in the few short years they had together. But there's also a more meta heartwarming moment in this episode.
It turns out that the Grey Ghost was considered a cheesy, silly show, to the point that the guy behind the mask had trouble finding any other acting work after the show went off the air. Over the years, he came to hate the character, but changed his tune when he saw Batman's little shrine. Players are coming to terms with the fact that he probably won't be leaving the Batcave without parting with a lock of his hair, or a cup of... something. He realized that his character inspired the guy who goes around saving the city every day from killer clowns, saying... But that so-it-wasn't-all-for-nothing line gains a special meaning when you consider who voices the character, Adam West himself. Well, time to put on my spaghetti hat! Who played Batman in the 1960s. The Adam West Batman show definitely and deservedly has a dedicated following now. But back in the 90s, when grim dark Batman ruled with a blood-drenched fist thanks to the Tim Burton movies and Frank Miller's comics, campy Batman wasn't remembered all that fondly. But this episode defends the show, saying that... Similarly to how the cheesy Grey Ghost gave us a dark Batman, the cheesy Adam West show helped keep the character popular until it could be rebooted with a more serious tone. The episode is essentially an ode to animated Batman's two dads, the in-universe one and the real-world one. Number 3.
Batman risks breaking his one rule to save Supergirl. Throughout Batman's animated history, the character was often willing to risk it all in order to save others. In the animated series episode, Robin's Reckoning Part 2, he almost destroys his relationship with Robin and gets seriously injured trying to stop his sidekick from murdering the man who killed his parents. This was partially for that guy's sake as well, because, murderer or not, no one deserves to be killed by a teen wearing green tights and a red speedo. They'd never let him live that down in hell. Mostly though, Batman worried that in his emotional state, Robin might slip and end up dead. And he admits his voice almost breaking in another master performance by Conroy that he just wouldn't be able to handle that. You can also look at the scene as Batman not wanting Robin to lose his soul by becoming a murderer. That's why he spent so many years training him, so he could bring down criminals without killing them.
Many years later, this would be summed up in one awesome line in the animated series Young Justice, where Batman, here voiced by Bruce Greenwood, argues with Wonder Woman about why he started training Robin when he was just 9 years old. But the best take on this kind of Batman still belongs to Kevin Conroy, thanks to his performance in the DC Universe animated original movie, Superman Batman Apocalypse. To quickly recap the relevant parts, Superman's cousin, Supergirl, arrives on Earth, gets kidnapped by Darkseid, here voiced by Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine-Nine, who then proceeds to brainwash her and turn her into a killer. But Batman isn't having any of that.
Despite being initially distrustful of Supergirl, he empathized with her being a fellow orphan. And besides, she was the cousin of his best friend. He wasn't going to let her become Darkseid's goon.
Batman then takes a beating from Darkseid, who ultimately believes that this crazy human in a Halloween costume would actually go ahead with his threat. And he was right. Batman was totally ready to break his no killing rule, because there was a real chance that if they couldn't break Supergirl's brainwashing, Clark would have had to kill his only living kin. And Bruce would sooner perform Planetside, killing himself in the process than allow his friend to go through something like that. And as a bonus, he also got to make the physical manifestation of the idea of evil his bitch.
That's heartwarming and badass. You're crazy! How did you pull this off?
Number 2. Batman doesn't give up on a drug-dealing gangster.
None of us were ready for the animated series episode, It's Never Too Late. After the intro of Mr. Freeze in Heart of Ice and Clayface's horror origin in Feet of Clay, which ended up selling more than a few nightlights, we knew that this cartoon Batman was going to be something special. But It's Never Too Late showed us just how much the show is willing to break the mold.
The episode doesn't feature a single super-powered character and is entirely a gangster story, shot like a mini Scorsese movie. The story deals with Gotham's ex-top mobster, Arnold Stromwell, being muscled out by what the show calls his younger rival, Rupert Thorne. Despite Thorne looking like Stromwell's elderly barber or something.
Now for all its dark subject matter, the show is marketed mainly to kids. Another weird thing about this episode is that it straight up uses the word drugs.
And says that they're one of the biggest problems facing Gotham, with Stromwell being the city's biggest supplier. But now that his criminal empire is crumbling, Batman wants him to turn himself in and testify against the mob. In a modern live action Batman movie, his methods would probably look something like this. Kevin Conroy's Batman plays it a little differently. He never once physically threatens Stromwell, and instead tries to find the little bit of humanity left in him by showing him that his own son got addicted to his drugs. For the record I make candy. But when that doesn't work, Batman pulls out the big guns, Stromwell's younger brother Michael, who's now a priest and who lost a leg as a kid, saving a young Arnie from a train that looks like a villain in a Ghibli movie. What's beautiful about the reunion between Michael and Arnold is that Batman never interferes in it. He lets it play out on its own, while keeping all the mobsters hunting Stromwell from interrupting. And believing that, in the end, Gotham's kingpin will see the light.
It shows an amazing capacity for hope, and a willingness to look for the good in all people. I don't believe you'd give up on anyone, Father. Please be there.
It's arguably one of the most profound moments in Conroy's entire career as Batman. The Clincher was the final shot of the episode, showing the Gotham Cathedral, making it's never too late, possibly the only cartoon that managed to talk about drugs and religion without turning into a corny, very special PSA. I believe that's what science refers to as a fucking damn miracle. Number one. Kevin Conroy's Batman gives people hope after 9-11. Context can easily change the meaning of any phrase. Think how you'd want to hear, your skin is looking very nice from your dermatologist, but not from the guy keeping you in the hole in his basement. Similarly, while this famous Batman line doesn't exactly scream hope, I am vengeance, I am the knight, I am fuck man. it nonetheless brought some degree of joy to dozens of New Yorkers during a very dark time in 2001. One week after the 9-11 attacks, Kevin Conroy was volunteering at a food relief station in Manhattan, because he was always too good for this world. In the 2013 documentary, I Know That Voice, the voice of Batman recalls that during that time, a fellow volunteer recognized him and shouted to the entire place that Batman was serving their meals. This apparently happened in the middle of the night, when the atmosphere was very somber and gloomy. So the initial reaction was, one guy in the back yelling, bullsh**t. And yeah, it was probably hard for people at that moment to believe that good things could still happen to them. Kevin Conroy decided to fix that, right then and there. So, standing in the kitchen, the man faced the entire dining hall, and in a booming voice recited his most famous Batman line. I am vengeance, I am the knight, I am Batman. This is long pause, and then you hear from the back of the place. Holy fuck, that is Batman! Suddenly the sadness in the room was replaced by laughter, and the people gathered in the shadow of the 9-11 attacks forgot their troubles for a few precious moments, and dared to hope again. And if that's not the most Batman s**t ever, I don't know what is.
Kevin Conroy, we will never forget you, because you will live on forever as the greatest Batman of all time. Thanks for watching our little homage to one of our heroes. You got any Conroy stories to share, or badass line deliveries you think everyone needs to hear? Jump in the comments.
It's dad. Later, when he teams up with the actor who played the Grey Ghost, the first sentence he says to him about his connection to the show is, As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. In Batman's mind, the show was forever linked with his dad.
It's one of the precious good memories he managed to make in the few short years they had together. But there's also a more meta heartwarming moment in this episode.
It turns out that the Grey Ghost was considered a cheesy, silly show, to the point that the guy behind the mask had trouble finding any other acting work after the show went off the air. Over the years, he came to hate the character.
Please, refer to me as the calculator. That changed his tune when he saw Batman's little shrine. After coming to terms with the fact that he probably won't be leaving the Batcave without parting with a lock of his hair, or a cup of... something. He realized that his character inspired the guy who goes around saving the city every day from killer clowns, saying, So it wasn't all for nothing. But that so it wasn't all for nothing line gains a special meaning when you consider who voices the character, Adam West himself. Well time to put on my spaghetti hat.
Who played Batman in the 1960s. The Adam West Batman show definitely and deservedly has a dedicated following now. But back in the 90s, when grim dark Batman ruled with a blood drenched fist thanks to the Tim Burton movies and Frank Miller's comics, campy Batman wasn't remembered all that fondly.
Quick! Everyone! Flee for your lives!
But this episode defends the show, saying that Similarly to how the cheesy Grey Ghost gave us a dark Batman, the cheesy Adam West show helped keep the character popular until it could be rebooted with a more serious tone. The episode is essentially an ode to animated Batman's two dads, the in-universe one and the real world one. Number 3. Batman risks breaking his one rule to save Supergirl. Throughout Batman's animated history, the character was often willing to risk it all in order to save others. In the animated series episode, Robin's Reckoning Part 2, he almost destroys his relationship with Robin and gets seriously injured trying to stop his sidekick from murdering the man who killed his parents.
This was partially for that guy's sake as well, because, murderer or not, no one deserves to be killed by a teen wearing green tights and a red speedo. They'd never let him live that down in hell. Mostly though, Batman worried that in his emotional state, Robin might slip and end up dead. And he admits his voice almost breaking in another master performance by Conroy that he just wouldn't be able to handle that. You can also look at the scene as Batman not wanting Robin to lose his soul by becoming a murderer. That's why he spent so many years training it, so he could bring down criminals without killing them. Many years later, this would be summed up in one awesome line in the animated series Young Justice, where Batman, here voiced by Bruce Greenwood, argues with Wonder Woman about why he started training Robin when he was just nine years old. Robin needed to help bring the man who murdered his family to justice. So he could turn out like you? So that he wouldn't.
But the best take on this kind of Batman still belongs to Kevin Conroy, thanks to his performance in the DC Universe animated original movie, Superman Batman Apocalypse. To quickly recap the relevant parts, Superman's cousin, Supergirl, arrives on Earth, gets kidnapped by Darkseid, here voiced by Captain Holt from who then proceeds to brainwash her and turn her into a killer. But Batman isn't having any of that. Despite being initially distrustful of Supergirl, he empathized with her being a fellow orphan. And besides, she was the cousin of his best friend. He wasn't going to let her become Darkseid's goon. So in order to save her, he goes over to the hell planet Apocalypse and rigs it to explode, because he's freaking Batman.
He can rig anything to explode. One hell spore can turn an entire planet into a fire pit. What'll happen to Apocalypse when 500 go off simultaneously? Boom!
Batman then takes a beating from Darkseid, who ultimately believes that this crazy human in a Halloween costume would actually go ahead with his threat. And he was right. Batman was totally ready to break his no-killing rule, because there was a real chance that if they couldn't break Supergirl's brainwashing, Clark would have had to kill his only living kin. And Bruce would sooner perform planet-side, killing himself in the process than allow his friend to go through something like that. And as a bonus, he also got to make the physical manifestation of the idea of evil his bitch.
That's heartwarming and badass. You're crazy! How did you pull this off? Number two, Batman doesn't give up on a drug-dealing gangster.
None of us were ready for the animated series episode, It's Never Too Late. After the intro of Mr. Freeze in Heart of Ice and Clayface's horror origin in Feet of Clay, which ended up selling more than a few nightlights, we knew that this cartoon Batman was going to be something special. But It's Never Too Late showed us just how much the show was willing to break the mold.
The episode doesn't feature a single super-powered character and is entirely a gangster story, shot like a mini Scorsese movie. The story deals with Gotham's ex-top mobster, Arnold Stromwell.
I whooped you fucking dope.
Being muscled out by what the show calls his younger rival, Rupert Thorn. Despite Thorn looking like Stromwell's elderly barber or something.
Now, for all its dark subject matter, the show is marketed mainly to kids. Another weird thing about this episode is that it straight up uses the word drugs. N says that they're one of the biggest problems facing Gotham, with Stromwell being the city's biggest supplier.
But now that his criminal empire is crumbling, Batman wants him to turn himself in and testify against the mob. In a modern live-action Batman movie, his methods would probably look something like this. Kevin Conroy's Batman plays it a little differently.
He never once physically threatens Stromwell. And instead, tries to find the little bit of humanity left in him, by showing him that his own son got addicted to his drugs. For the record, I make candy. But when that doesn't work, Batman pulls out the big guns. Stromwell's younger brother, Michael, who's now a priest and who lost a leg as a kid, saving a young Arnie from a train that looks like a villain in a Ghibli movie. What's beautiful about the reunion between Michael and Arnold, is that Batman never interferes in it. He lets it play out on its own. While keeping all the monsters hunting Stromwell from interrupting.
And believing that, in the end, Gotham's kingpin will see the light. It shows an amazing capacity for hope, and a willingness to look for the good in all people. I don't believe you'd give up on anyone, Father. Please be there.
It's arguably one of the most profound moments in Conroy's entire career as Batman. The clincher was the final shot of the episode, showing the Gotham Cathedral. Making It's Never Too Late, possibly the only cartoon that managed to talk about drugs and religion, without turning into a corny, very special PSA.
Steal from your mama, lie, cheat on your whole boy. I believe that's what science refers to as a damn miracle. I came to fuck you, Arnie. Number one.
Kevin Conroy's Batman gives people hope after 9-11. Context can easily change the meaning of any phrase. Like how you'd want to hear, your skin is looking very nice from your dermatologist, but not from the guy keeping you in the hole in his basement. Similarly, while this famous Batman line doesn't exactly scream hope.
I am vengeance. I am the knight. I am the fuck man.
It nonetheless brought some degree of joy to dozens of New Yorkers during a very dark time in 2001. One week after the 9-11 attacks, Kevin Conroy was volunteering at a food relief station in Manhattan, because he was always too good for this world. In the 2013 documentary, I Know That Voice, the voice of Batman recalls that during that time, a fellow volunteer recognized him and shouted to the entire place that Batman was serving their meals. This apparently happened in the middle of the night, when the atmosphere was very somber and gloomy. So the initial reaction was one guy in the back yelling, bullshit. And yeah, it was probably hard for people at that moment to believe that good things could still happen to them. Kevin Conroy decided to fix that right then and there.
So standing in the kitchen, the man faced the entire dining hall and in a booming voice recited his most famous Batman line. I am vengeance. I am the knight. I am Batman.
It's this long pause that you hear from the back of the place. Holy fuck. That is Batman. Suddenly, the sadness in the room was replaced by laughter and the people gathered in the shadow of the 9-11 attacks forgot their troubles for a few precious moments and dared to hope again. And if that's not the most Batman shit ever, I don't know what is.
Kevin Conroy, we will never forget you, because you will live on forever as the greatest Batman of all time. Thanks for watching our little homage to one of our heroes. You got any Conroy stories to share or badass line deliveries you think everyone needs to hear? Jump in the comments. |
TheOnion | And_Nation_Has_To_Go_Through_It_All_Again_Tomorrow | Following the conclusion of yet another day marked by a litany of tedious and unavoidable realities, the Onion spoke with sociologist Dr. Timothy Coghill, who told reporters that the nation would be forced to go through all of it again tomorrow.
As our projections demonstrate, tomorrow, like today, every man, woman and child in America will wake up and do it all again.
All of it.
Including traffic, the work day, bad coffee, your kids' soccer game, laundry, the struggling economy.
For more on this unending story, check this week's Onion Review. |
CrackerMilk | when_she_wants_the_good_stuff | Hey. You back for more? Yeah, um, got some of that good shit. You want the pure? Yeah, they're not that filtered down shit, I want the good stuff. I think I can help you. Oh yeah.
Crackamilk's darkest uncensored videos. If they get caught with these, they get banned off YouTube straight away. I think I'll take your life, get on the ground! Are you a cop? No, I work for YouTube. Shit! We've been following you guys for years. And finally, I get the chance to bring you down. You have no power here! These videos aren't on YouTube, they're on Patreon.
No. No!
That's right, we do have lots of exclusive skits over on our Patreon that are too rude for YouTube. We make a lot of videos that we find really funny, but if we put them on YouTube, they'll ban us. The only place you can find any of these skits is on our Patreon.
Are you still a lawyer? Look, I lost that gig a while back. Didn't win a lot of cases, lost every case 100%.
Nah bro, not at all. If I had a dollar for every subscriber. You don't! I'd be a millionaire. You don't have a dollar for every subscriber. But if I did. Not with that fucking attitude, man. You gotta have my attitude.
You gotta fucking slap some content on Patreon to get people to come over there. You say women? If they get caught with these, they get banned off YouTube straight away. I think I'll take your life! Get on the ground! Are you a cop? No, I work for YouTube. Shit! I've been following you guys for years. And finally, I get the chance to bring you down. You have no power here. These videos aren't on YouTube. They're on Patreon. No. That's right.
We do have lots of exclusive skits over on our Patreon that are too rude for YouTube. We make a lot of videos that we find really funny. But, you know, if we put them on YouTube, they'll ban us. The only place you can find any of these skits is on our Patreon.
Are you still a lawyer? Look, I lost that gig a while back. Didn't win a lot of cases. Lost every case 100%.
Nah, bro. Not at all.
If I had a dollar for every subscriber. You don't! I'd be a millionaire. You don't have a dollar for every subscriber. But if I did.
Not with that fucking attitude, man. You've got to have my attitude. You've got to fucking slap some content on Patreon to get people to come over there. |
Fitzthistlewits | let_s_play_facade_mp4 | Uh, hey, it's Tripp. Hello, it's Fitz Thistlewitz. It's, uh, wow.
It's been a while since we all, um... But, uh, Grace and I just thought it'd be... It'd be really nice to see you tonight.
Who are you? Who is Grace?
Uh, so... Hello? So good!
You could just come by around eight or something. I'm sorry, I think there's a problem with the line.
I don't know you. Um, see you then? No, I'm not coming. I don't even know where you live.
Fakade, by Michael Matias and Andrew Stern. Where are the new wine glasses? What for?
That should be obvious. Oh god, Tripp, don't turn this into a big production, please. Jesus, Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here. Trouble in paradise? Don't give me that look. You're going to drive me crazy.
Walter! Hi! Hey, I thought I heard someone out here. God, it's been so long since we've seen you.
Grace. Wow.
It's like a lesbian wedding. Ellen DeGeneres and her wife, Ellen DeGeneres. That's funny because she's a homosexual and her name sounds like degenerate.
Oh, hi, Grace. Walter. Hi, Grace. Hi. How are you? Oh, it's so nice to see you.
It feels... Feels... Feels what?
Sorry. By the way, you look fabulous. I know. Make yourself at home. Oh. Just a joke. Jesus.
Walter, let me get you a drink. Yes, please. Oh, I'll get it.
No, no, no, no. Our friend's here. We can let the answering machine get it. What? Wait, wait. Let's just wait for the answering machine. Why?
Just pick it up. Well, hold on. Hold on.
Hey, you've reached the fabulous home of Grace and Tripp. Anyhow, Tripp's parents.
Leave us a message. They're really down to earth. Travis, are you there? It's your mother. Fabulous. I haven't heard from you and Grace in a while. My parents aren't worth talking about. I'm just calling to find out if you're settled in in your new apartment.
That's true. Hey, parents. Walter.
Give me a call if you're not traveling. I know you're traveling a lot these days.
Okay, that's all. Bye, Travis. Oh, Jesus. Let's not talk about my parents. Heard enough from them tonight.
Why? Uh. Oops.
Uh, they did those. Hey, I just realized something. Top notch quality. Yeah. It's really special. They are great.
Walter, remember it was almost exactly 10 years ago tonight that you introduced us? Now I have no recollection.
Senior year of college. Oh, jeez. I never attended college.
Well, all I can say is tonight means a lot to me. It means literally nothing to me.
What are you doing?
Oh, that plastic ball is Tripp's little security blanket he keeps by the bar. Lol. No. What a fag. It's just one of those little joke advice toys.
Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry.
Wow. They don't like- Jeez. I'm not- I meant as in a bundle of sticks. What?
Yeah. I'm pretty funny, aren't I? Yeah. I'm almost as good as PewDiePie. Yeah. Lol. You had me going there for a sec.
Yep. Yup.
You're not afraid to say anything, are you? Your hands are freakishly small. Put us on the spot.
Yeah. I did, didn't I? You're crazy. You know that? Yeah.
I am only autistic. Autistic.
Oh, God. This is awkward. I apologize. Anyway, uh, what were we talking about? Um, uh, Catholicism.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's wrong, Grace?
Listen to us. We're arguing in front of our friend.
Are you not? Grace, come on. That kind of statement is not- You don't agree? No.
Oh, okay. Well. I was talking. Well, you two are all chummy already. That's good.
I wouldn't say that, but- Oh, no. Walter, I just realized. I'm sorry. What?
I haven't gotten us drinks.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We need drinks. Yeah.
My dad bought- Oh, sorry. Wait. I want to make you one of my drink inventions. It's a secret.
Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.
What? Fag. So- Just a joke. Come on, guys. Seriously. You. Uh. Is it, is it really that shocking? You.
Should we- What? Should we- You know, we really should, um- What? We need to call the- What the hell?
Right. Our tax attorney. Oh. The cold shoulder. Get that paperwork finished. Fucking typical. Oh, yeah.
Why do all my relationships end this way? I hate you both.
Yeah. And your masculine ass, Grace. Walter. You and I are getting along so well tonight.
Insanely tight trousers.
Stay there for a moment. I want your opinion. Okay. Stay there. Yep. Stay there for a second. I will.
Ugh. I'm getting so tired of looking at this god-awful couch.
Maybe if I replaced it with, um- Do you, do you remember, Grace? What? How I proposed to you?
Oh, God. Trip. Walter. I'll show you. It was at Grace's parents' house. Trip, what are you doing? My senior year of college. I got on one knee in front of everybody. Stop it, Trip. I pulled out a diamond ring. Trip.
And I said, Grace, will you marry me? I can feel the love.
Is that romantic or what? Yes. Technically.
Walter. Oh, God. Walter.
You think this is romantic? Grace, our friend agrees. What could be more romantic than that?
Sarcastic, but eh, fuck it. You're Americans, you wouldn't understand.
Okay, sure. Romantic, yeah. Diamond ring, on one knee, the whole bit, yeah. Alright. Crazy, I just wanted to share that moment with our friend. Calm down. Great. You slag. Okay, well. Yeah. I was worried there for a bit you were on Grace's side tonight.
I despise all women.
This is making you uncomfortable. See, Trip, was it really worth it to fly all the way to Italy so you could take that inane picture?
Grace.
I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.
What? Walter. Yes. This trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon. Oh, was that what it was?
I'm always the last to know.
Shut up, Grace. Is it? Come on, close your mouth. It's not that amazing. Okay. Walter. No. I think this evening is over. Oh, no. You've got to leave. No, please. Oh. I'm sorry. You'll be fine. Just go. Fuck you.
Trip.
Pussy-whipped. I can't type. I meant to say pussy-whipped faggot, but now you'll never know.
But it's PewDiePie.
Yeah. LOL. You had me going there for a sec. Yep. Yep-hoo. Yep. You're not afraid to say anything, are you? Your hands are freakishly small. Put us on the spot. Yeah. I did, didn't I? You're crazy, you know that? Yeah.
I am only autistic. Autistic.
Oh, God. This is awkward. I apologize. Anyway, uh, what were we talking about? Um, uh, Catholicism. Wait, wait, wait. What's wrong, Grace?
Listen to us. We're arguing in front of our friend.
No, you're not. Grace, come on. That kind of statement is not... You don't agree? No.
Oh, okay. Well... I was talking. Well, you two are all chummy already. That's good.
I wouldn't say that, but... Oh, no. Walter, I just realized. I'm sorry. What?
I haven't gotten us drinks.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We need drinks. Yeah.
My dad bought...
What? Oh, sorry. Wait. I want to make you one of my drink inventions. It's a secret. Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol. What? So...
Fag. Just a joke. Come on, guys. Seriously.
You... Is it... Is it really that shocking? You...
Right. Our tax attorney. Aww. The cold shoulder. Get that paperwork finished. Fucking typical. Oh, yeah.
Why do all my relationships end this way? I hate you both.
Yeah. And your... Masculine arse. Grace. Walter. You and I are getting along so well tonight.
Insanely high trousers.
Stay there for a moment. I want your opinion. Okay. Stay there. Yep. Stay there for a second. I will.
Ugh. I'm getting so tired of looking at this god-awful couch.
Maybe if I replace it with... Um... Do you... Do you remember, Grace? What?
How I proposed to you? Oh, god. Trip. Walter. I'll show you. It was at Grace's parents' house. Christmas. What are you doing? Senior year of college. I got on one knee in front of everybody. Stop it, Trip. I pulled out a diamond ring. Trip.
And I said, Grace, will you marry me? I can feel the love.
Is that romantic or what? Yes. Technically.
Walter. Oh, god. Walter?
You think this is romantic? Um... Grace, our friend agrees. What could be more romantic than that?
Something sarcastic, but eh, fuck it. You're Americans. You wouldn't understand.
Okay, sure. Romantic, yeah. Diamond ring. On one knee. The whole bit, yeah. Alright. Grace, I just wanted to share that moment with our friend. Calm down. Great. You slag. Okay. Yeah. Well, I was worried there for a bit. You were on Grace's side tonight. Yeah.
I despise all women.
Walter. Yes? Yes, yes.
Go look at Trip's Italy photo. Oh, can't wait. By the way, anybody join me on the couch if you like.
Oh.
Walter. This is making you uncomfortable. Walter.
See, Trip, was it really worth it to fly all the way to Italy so you could take that inane picture?
Grace? Grace.
I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.
What? Walter. Yes? It was meant to be our second honeymoon. Oh, was that what it was? Huh.
I'm always the last to know. Shut up, Grace.
Is it? Come on. Close your mouth. It's not that amazing. Okay. Walter. No.
I think this evening is over. You've got to leave.
Oh, no. No. Please. Oh. I'm sorry. Oh.
You'll be fine. Just go. Fuck you.
Trip.
Pussy whipped. I can't type. I meant to say pussy whipped faggot.
But now you'll never know. Wait, wait, wait.
What's wrong, Grace? Listen to us. We're arguing in front of our friend.
Are you not? Grace. Come on. That kind of statement is not... You don't agree? No.
Okay. Well. I was talking. Well, you two are all chummy already. That's good.
I wouldn't say that, but... Oh, no. Walter. I just realized. I'm sorry. What?
I haven't gotten us drinks.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We need drinks. Yeah.
My dad bought...
Oh. Sorry. Wait.
I want to make you one of my drink inventions. It's a secret.
Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.
What? So... Just a joke. Come on, guys. Seriously. You. Is it... Is it really that shocking? You.
Right. Our tax attorney. Oh. The cold shoulder. Get that paperwork finished. Fucking typical. Oh, yeah.
Why do all my relationships end this way? I hate you both.
Yeah. And your masculine arse, Grace. Hmm. Walter. You and I are getting along so well tonight.
Insanely tight trousers.
Ugh. I'm getting so tired of looking at this god-awful couch.
Maybe if I replaced it with, um... Do you... Do you remember, Grace? What? How I proposed to you?
Oh, God. Trip. Walter. I'll show you. It was at Grace's parents' house. Trip, what are you doing? Senior year of college. I got on one knee in front of everybody. Stop it, Trip. I pulled out a diamond ring. Trip.
And I said, Grace, will you marry me? I can feel the love.
Is that romantic or what? Yes. Technically.
Walter. Oh, God. Walter?
You think this is romantic? Uh... Grace, our friend agrees. What could be more romantic than that?
Sarcastic, but eh, fuck it. You're Americans. You wouldn't understand.
Okay, sure. Romantic, yeah. Diamond ring. On one knee. The whole bit, yeah. Alright. Grace, I just wanted to share that moment with our friend. Calm down. Great. You slag. Okay. Yeah. Well, I was worried there for a bit. You were on Grace's side tonight. Yeah.
I despise all women.
Oh, Walter. Yes. Oh, yes.
Yes, go look at Trip's Italy photo. Oh, can't wait. By the way, anybody join me on the couch if you like.
Oh.
Walter. This is making you uncomfortable. Walter.
See, Trip, was it really worth it to fly all the way to Italy so you could take that inane picture?
Grace.
I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.
What? Walter. Yes? This trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon. Oh, was that what it was? Huh.
I'm always the last to know. Shut up, Grace.
Oh. Is it? Come on. Close your mouth. It's not that amazing. Okay. Walter. No. I think this evening is over. Oh, no. You've got to leave. No. Please. Oh. I'm sorry. Oh.
You'll be fine. Just go. Fuck you.
Trip.
Pussy whipped. Can't type. I meant to say pussy whipped faggot, but now you'll never know. |
TheOnion | Special_Orders_Chefs_Hate_The_Most_And_Why_reddit_askreddit_food_restaurant_chef | Flight attendance. What is something passengers always do that makes you angry? I absolutely hate it when they scream humans were not meant to fly. This is madness. Right after takeoff. The time to work through your apprehensions about flying machines was before you got on board. When a passenger asks if they can switch seats so they can sit with the other terrorists in their group. Why does it matter who you're sitting by if you're just going to be dead in 30 minutes anyway?
I don't make the rules. Everyone always feels like it's their duty to run up to you and tell you that a fire has broken out in the bathroom. Don't bother us with things like that. We're flight attendants, not firefighters.
When someone tries to tell you that they are out on the wing. I literally cannot hear you all the way out there no matter how loud you shout. There's always one guy who says I'm too drunk to pilot this flight to Tampa. That's what you said yesterday pal and we got there just fine. Can you help me put my bag in the overhead department? Kiss my ass. |
cracked | how_to_do_the_world_s_greatest_card_trick | Hey everybody, I'm Chris from $65 ticket and today I'm going to show you the world's best card trick And then I'm going to show you how it's done.
That's how I got a normal deck of cards here I'm just going to fan them out like this and have you pick a card Let's say you choose this one Off here collect my deck I'm going to shuffle my deck and all I need you to do is tell me when to stop Say stop right there the card back on Put the rest on and I'll put them down say the magic word Alakazam I'm going to fan them out again, and the card should reveal itself to us There you go magic blue card collect the rest And there's your card All right now. I'm going to show you how it's done That over there So we're going to fan the deck out and it really doesn't matter which card they choose So let's say they choose this one All right To the side collect your deck and it's very important that you shuffle from the top and put all the other cards on the top Like that tell them when to stop going to place the card on top the rest of the deck on top Collect it and it's important that you say the magic word Alakazam That was quick yeah, I'm doing the trick again So you want that then don't you?
First one was free Take off your pants Okay, okay, no, please God Oh Come back in time Then we fan the deck out like this and the magic card should reveal itself to us There it is the magic blue card There's your card And that's how the trick is done Best card trick and then I'm going to show you how it's done.
That's I got a normal deck of cards here I'm just going to fan them out like this and have you pick a card Let's say you choose this one Off here collect my deck I'm going to shuffle my deck and all I need you to do is tell me when to stop Say stop right there the card back on The rest on now put them down say the magic word Alakazam I'm going to fan them out again, and the card should reveal itself to us There you go magic blue card collect the rest And there's your card Alright now. I'm going to show you how it's done That over there So we're going to fan the deck out and it really doesn't matter which card they choose so let's say they choose this one All right To the side collect your deck and it's very important that you shuffle from the top and put all the other cards on the top like that Tell them when to stop I'm going to place the card on top the rest of the deck on top Collect it and it's important that you say the magic word Alakazam That was quick Yeah, I'm doing the trick again So you want that then don't you?
First one is free Take off your pants Okay, okay, no, please God Come back in time Then we fan the deck out like this and Magic card should reveal itself to us There it is the magic blue card There's your card And that's how the trick is done You |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Does_It_Again_An_Economist_s_Advice_Career_Regret_More_January_14 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly Bulletin, you're joined by myself Clancy overall and of course Wendell Hussey, how are you mate? Yeah going really well thanks Clancy, once again feeling pretty thankful I'm living out in this part of the world, how are you? I'm good mate but you know it's just going to be the two of us today because of course Errol Parker has a scratch in his throat and is a close contact so we'll see which way that goes. Thank the lord he went and got his vaccination a couple of months ago there kicking and screaming. Yeah I don't know how we got that one over the line but we did. And it was a good thing that we did I think Clancy, now let's get into this weekly news wrap with a bit of news from the world of politics, this was actually published at the back end of last week but has aged pretty well. The headline on it reads, it's hard to put this into words but every single day your incompetence astounds us says Nation after Scott Morrison appears in the cricket commentary box. Yes the country was once again left marvelling how their Prime Minister can continue to exploit sports stars in an effort to generate some goodwill with the media and general public. Popping up on the cricket commentary as hundreds of thousands were coming down with the latest variant of the spicy cough, there was a collective shaking of heads as the man who was supposed to be dealing with this decided to market himself at the cricket again. Interesting call there but at least the Australians were taking wickets hey Clancy. Taking wickets in the virus.
Finance Now and economists are saying that now is the time to buy a Venezuelan credit card as the supply chain nears total collapse and if you aren't familiar with the Venezuelan credit card it's something like a L1A1 SLR rifle or the equivalent. Semi-automatic, automatic machine guns this is what we're talking about that's what the Venezuelan credit card is and the reason why now would be a good time to buy one is society is projected to collapse later this month when our national supply chains totally vanish and that's according to the people who actually look at the numbers. Notable economist from the ABC Alan Kohler said and I quote, yeah I've got my Venezuelan credit card all greased up and shot in for 50 metres.
In addition to that I've got a Browning high power 9mm that'll keep down the side of my Ariat high tops. Then in case things get a bit personal and up close I've got a Fairbairn Sykes fighting knife on my belt. Hope it doesn't come to that, it pays to be prepared though. Good luck everybody, the seas are beginning to stir. Certainly sounds like he is very prepared there Alan Kohler.
And with Christmas behind us some back to work news now with 70% of the nation revealing that they're currently regretting not becoming teachers. This is off the back of the festive season coming to an end which apparently has resulted in an overwhelming sense of regret sweeping the nation once again as it always seems to do at this time of year Clancy. Yes a vast number of Australians going back to work have once again realised they've stitched themselves up and chosen the wrong profession. Obviously there was a strong retort from a few local teachers who were adamant to convince people their lives are not that good and they deserve more than thanks and they actually can't afford to live in any major centres across this country due to a hysterical property market but the fact remains they get pretty good holidays. They do but they always say come down and deal with 30 kids on a bad day.
Some news from Australia's biggest city, NSW residents are facing a $1,000 fine for not reporting the results of tests they can't get into a system that doesn't work. Yes a new rule that probably shouldn't have gotten past the thought bubble stage. Ignoring the fact that there is a critical shortage of rats getting around, NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has decided to introduce a harsh $1,000 penalty for anyone who doesn't register a positive result to their rapid tests. They've got to register these results on a government app which notoriously we've never had any issues with functionality wise. Yeah they never glitch or fry out and if English is your second language, well too bad get someone to sort it out for you.
Music news to round out the week and since it's Sydney rappers One 4 are being finally allowed to perform after creating a new genre, Drill Song. Yes as the federal and state governments make it clear that they have no interest in supporting any musicians or performers who aren't attached to major Christian donors and lobbyists, non Hillsong artists across Australia are finding creative loopholes to continue plying their trade. Yeah we've got the Hillsong Hoards and the Jehovah Giants, they're two of just many high profile Australian bands who are trying to claim they were happy clappers all along but it is Western Sydney's rap group One 4 who are attempting what is the boldest rebrand of them all. Yes a spokesperson for the group said they've told NSW police they will be carrying bibles in their hands at all times and will replace any references to making money with raising money and by changing the title of their breakout hit Shanks and Shiv to Thanks and Give, the rappers have been given complete clearance to host a $30,000 ticketed concert at the SCG. Who wants to pray with Sydney's realists? Good stuff from them, very adaptive and hopefully they can go out there and start spreading the good word. We hope you enjoyed our coverage and we look forward to talking to you soon. Bye bye. Hooroo! |
TheOnion | Guatemalan_Flight_s_Data_Recording_Parrot_Holds_Clues_To_Crash | The authorities who invested in the accident of the vehicle on the 24th of April, Guatemala, received a great advance from the recovery of a lot of the data from the demand cabinet, only from the location of the accident in La Mesilla. The PILOTO VETERAN O MANUEL DE IGLESIS CONDUCIA LA VION FAIR CHILD F.A.D.I.D.I.N.T.I.E.T.E. and, among them, a lot of the data from the vehicle registered by the vehicle. The recovery of the vehicle continues. But the investigators have already found part of the vehicle of the vehicle at the time. The authorities have found that the vehicle continued to be a very bad accident. They have also found that the second floor of the records of the data has been so easily repaired that it has not worked.
In the morning of the accident, we started to think about a crash. You might think it was an accident. And there was a problem. It depends. At the time of the accident, the vehicle was damaged, and the vehicle was damaged. At the time of the accident, a mechanical vehicle from Guatemala that was in the condition of anonymity accused the airline of ignoring the problem with the motor truck that would have to pay the price of the vehicle to detect the first of its own. This car has been here for more than seven years. And now it's time to replace it. The authorities of the airline have taken care of the accusations. Now we're going to the conditions of the time when it appears that Chim-Chim received more juvies than this one. |
cracked | we_remade_the_batman_for_20 | From your secret friend, who, having a clue, let's play a game, just me and you. Does this mean anything to you that was really banking on you knowing?
Fire is a tool. When that light hits the sky, it's not just a call, it's a warning.
Do you have a lot of cats? Everything about strays.
Dear God. A package arrived today. I'm exploding with excitement. Who are you under there? Because you kind of look a lot like that guy. What the f**k?
Hey Batman, I locked myself out of my phone. Do you know my password?
Who you supposed to be? I'm not wearing hockey pants. If you are justice, please do not lie.
What is the price for your brown eyes? Why does he write to you?
Riddler. You really aren't as smart as I thought you were. Hello Riddler Nation, welcome back to the stream. Oh, take it easy sweetheart.
Welcome to Club Penguin. You're becoming quite a celebrity. I know some people in the movie business if you're interested.
Stop trying to be my dad! I hate you! Batman, have you done today's waddle? Bad daddy. Hey, I'm waddling here. What did you do Riddler? I've been trying to read you about your car's extended warranty. I'm the penguin baby!
I got you!
Andrew, can you shout out in the yard to see if you can scare away some of those birds? Do you guys have any guesses? I mean look, if I had to guess this guy banged his wife and then asked himself, you know. That's what I would do. I got you! I'm vengeance. |
dropout | the_twilight_zone_tmnt | from more locks to warlocks nerds are passionate about a lot of things but there's one thing they love above all else that is correcting people this is unnatural joining us today we have Brennan Lee Mulligan hello next to him Siobhan Thompson hi and Adam Conover hi there Adam and Siobhan are returning returning champion did you win last time I'm returning champion that's the white male spirit hey if I was there it was a victory for everybody well survive it out of our journey to the game right and this will be your first time appearing on the game but Brendan has been behind the scenes of writing many questions for other episodes this episode he's written none of the questions I will be surprised as anyone else as to what I'm about to ask I have here a stack of false statements about franchises you love the most when you hear what is wrong with it it's up to you to buzz in and correct me all corrections must be preceded the phrase um actually and you can interrupt me whenever you want just like in real life you've all done this before how do you feel feel made a five course meal potato chips stuck in my throat now I'm ready to go let's do it the nerdiest thing that you could say just before going into a correction all right let's play um actually our first question today is about tabletop games in the tabletop game war hammer players command armies of miniatures representing different races or factions including four distinct races of elves high elves blood elves wood elves and dark elves Brennan um actually I don't believe that wood elves are one of the elves in war hammer you're incorrect well damn Siobhan I'm actually blood elves are not elves in war hammer that's correct blood elves are not elves in war hammer can you tell me where they're from somewhere else I'm still gonna give you a point but um actually blood elves are from war craft that's correct specifically I think war craft three I think you could first be a blood elf in the expansion of the frozen throne I can't speak the latter half of it but yes blood elves are from war craft it was probably true yeah what's up I'm actually I just fucking you know they're they're the elves that are allied with the horde whereas the night elves are allied with the alliance yes you guys know so much about elves why did you get the question wrong I thought of it at the same time as she did this show doesn't have the smartest people but the people who get the questions wrong are the angriest at this hour I devoted hundreds of hours of my life to this when I was 14 what was the point of it if not this it's a whole building to this our next question is about teenage mutant ninja turtles the universe of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is populated by dozens of animal human hybrids created by coming into contact with mutagenic ooze this includes the turtles themselves their allies like the mutated alligator Leatherhead and enemies like the human fly hybrid Baxter Stockman Adam um actually Leatherhead was a crocodile no he was an alligator I feel like the fly guy did it to himself and it didn't the ooze didn't happen to him I think that he was a scientist that made himself turn into a it was like a Cronenberg thing right wasn't the ooze that's close enough that I'm gonna give it to you that's correct while the ooze yeah what's up I'm actually Stockman did it to himself wasn't from me he didn't do it to himself but the the main thing is that he did not mutate from ooze now which one of these assholes do you want to give the point to I mean I'll give it to Brennan since he said I'm actually he stumbled his way into it wasn't the ooze although he started with he did it to himself which is not true this doesn't feel good I think we all know that this feels bad dirty point all right we'll give a point to Brendan we will move on I will never move our third question is about the Twilight Zone one of the series was famous episodes the monsters are due on Maple Street doesn't actually feature monsters or paranormal creatures of any kind the true monsters are the people of Maple Street giving into paranoid violence um actually that is the main thrust of the episode but there are monsters in that episode that's correct in the end it's revealed that aliens have been manipulating electronic devices and even though like it is the paranoia that is like the main concern there's still aliens behind the whole thing which weakens the allegory a little bit yeah it was hard for me to answer that because the version you pitched was a superior okay we're moving on to our next question in the Philip K. Dick novel Blade Runner Rick Deckard uses a boy yes I'm actually the novel is to Android stream of electric that's correct everyone's so furious I'm so intimately familiar with everything you've mentioned so far I'm sorry Adam you got to be you got to be on that buzzer I saw monster do I'm able to treat as a child I played Warhammer and Warcraft I didn't play Warhammer my sister played Warhammer I have I hate the figurines man I was down there with a little paintbrush what army did you play orcs cuz it came with a box and I didn't have a lot of money ah that was always the problem I could never get into Warhammer cuz it was the same oh it's a racket yeah it's the same thing with Magic the Gathering was I was like oh I like Magic the Gathering and then my friend got into it like two years after I did in a week later had the best deck of that release and suddenly I was just getting stopped can't do it well this brings us to our very first shiny question as you all know shiny questions it's just like shiny Pokemon they're basically the same they're worth the same amount they're just a little different and a little bit rarer this is a little game we're calling yeah but in the book we're gonna look at the differences between books and movies comic book movies are so much more than just superheroes in fact all of the movies you see on the screen have been adapted from comics except for one the first person to identify the one movie not adapted from a comic book will get the point Adam drive to say um actually you don't have to but you can if you want um actually weird science was not based on a comic that's incorrect science is actually based on a comic book yeah I'm actually the fifth element is not based on a comic that's correct the fifth element is the only movie up here that was not based on a comic book I actually watched that two days ago really cool I would watch the fifth element any time it comes off I don't even know I mean monkey bone first of all the movie poster looks like a comic book but also only a comic book writer would come up with a character that's stupid looking I feel like if you otherwise looked at all these movies you'd be like these movies have nothing in common I think in common is comic books all right that point goes to Siobhan where we looking at right now we got three for Brennan to for Siobhan Adam knew all the answers but just has this never happened to me before and that's it for this preview of um actually if you liked it there's a whole lot more waiting for you on dropout gonna dropout TV to start your free trial today I'm Mike Trapp reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered and to get your zombie pets obliterated zombie pets they're not the pets you loved anymore they're gone they're gone kill them kill them you're gonna see a grid of 20 dragons in front of you the person who can name the most dragons will get the point |
dropout | bleep_bloop_beer_pong | This week on Bleep Bloop, we're having a party! I'm Jeff Rubin, this is Jake Hurwitz, joining us from Derek Comedy, we have DC Pearson and Dominic Durkis, and of course my co-host Pat Cassis. We're having a party, I invited the chillest dudes I know, and what do you do when you have a party? You throw in frat party games, pong toss, for your week! I like that it's called pong toss, but then underneath there's a banner that says frat party games, implying that this is one of a series of frat party games. So I'm waiting for, like, Legends of Flip Cup.
That often looks like a basement, you can play at a basement. Mom's basement, a bar, dad's basement. We have six options, what with the table, and the glasses. There's a blurry gray one, a blurry blue one.
A lot of games like this might kind of go from the Street Fighter 2 route and get all these zany, wacky caricatures, but this is like straight up, realistically, the people who would be playing beer pong. The only character that I've seen play beer pong are the bottom left hand corner, like those three guys. No, the bottom right too, the backwards hat guys. All these characters are on taps.
I bet those are ladies, right? Unless I'm wrong, this screen is just filled with irrelevant choices. My question is, as you get deeper and deeper into the game, do the female characters become more attractive? Yeah, they just... No, but the graphics get better.
It's just practice. Oh, this is practice. Good. Warm up. This is hilarious.
You're, like, in a basement. You're legit in a basement.
Oh, man. There's puppies on the table. It's like they're holding a... Oh!
That was just kind of an interesting decision by the developers. Let's take a look at this game, like, they do get the details of, like, your friend's garage down the road. I don't know. I mean, there's a poster about beer pong on the garage door.
There's a moment where the father comes in and, like, says if he's okay with you guys playing, just don't go nuts. Don't drive home. No one's driving. The cool father option. I like that there's a dart board that you can't play with on the right.
No, no, definitely not. It'd clearly be the same game. You're not at a party. This is like... There's not, like, music going on in the back of... No. That's a really good point.
You've invited people over, surely, to the beer pong. No one else is having fun. No, no. There are partly seven people in a room sitting down watching a few people play high-stakes game of day. She's like sitting with their arms, polite golf clap.
Can someone tell the girl on the left, like, hey, you know, Karen, just put on more clothes. Like, no one's dressed like you here. Karen, lighten up.
It's two in the afternoon and we're just drinking soda.
She's standing around, clearly no one's going to have sex with each other. Why? Isn't the music off option? Because maybe that's why no one's dancing.
Have you learned anything? What does this game teach us? What kind of activities do you just don't translate very well to your game?
I think that this is actually an anti-beer pong game. I think this is invented by people who don't want people to play beer pong. They want high school kids to buy this game and play it and go, that's not fun. I'm not going to do that when I get to Rutgers. I want to play sports now. When we're done, I'm going to drink until I forget we ever played this game. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_168_James_Tedesco | Good mate, very excited for this interview, it's been a while but we've made it happen. Yeah they said we couldn't do it, in fact today's guest said we couldn't do it, not even a week ago. But we've come through the powers that be, we've gone above him, and today we're speaking to prominent children's author James Tedesco, we went through his publishers of his new book. Yeah who are also our publishers. The fix was in, he also plays a bit of rugby league, thank you for joining us Teddy. Boys how are ya, thanks for having me. Well good thanks mate, we're sitting here in front of your new book you've released, Red vs Blue, James Tedesco, he previously released Hat Trick Teddy, a lot of people might not be aware, unless they've got kids of course, about this other side to you. Last Sunday we see James Tedesco towing up the proud people of Queensland on the football field at Suncorp, first time Queensland's ever been kept to zero in the cauldron. But meanwhile there's this whole other side to James Tedesco, how long have you been eyeing off this career pivot? Yeah it was sort of over the last year or so Macmillan publishers approached me and asked me if I was interested and yeah I thought it was a good fit, I've always had a pretty good connection with kids and my story of growing up out in country, out of Camden and playing footy, I'm sort of made into a good story, so yeah I made two books out of it so far and who knows it could be more but it's been a really good reaction and overall view of how they've been and kids have been loving them so yeah it's been good. So can you tell us how in between you know, you've won a couple premierships in the NRL Teddy, you know obviously seen a couple of Origin victories, you've had a whole number of praise and you obviously lived the life of a footballer, you've represented your father's Italy in the World Cup, how do you sit down, in the midst of all this you're also housemates with Victor Radley, how in the hell did you sit down to find the time to write a couple of children's books?
Well I moved out of Victor's place so that definitely helped, last year we were in the bubble last year and last year we were just pretty much just going to training come back home so honestly there was a bit of time where I had a bit of time at home just to yeah think about other things and have time to do other things when really when if it was a normal life I'd sort of be out doing playing golf or socializing a fair bit but because we really couldn't, we had a lot of time at home so it was pretty easy to be honest, I had a lot of time at home to sort of go over it and you know sort of go over my childhood and reminisce a bit and yeah work with the publishers on some stories and it worked out really well. So while most of the developed world are locked down, men are discovering how to make sourdough, what we've learned is if you take the Beach Road Hotel and the Royal Sydney golf course away from James Cadesco you get two children's books. Royal Sydney, I wouldn't have been on there but that is a part of my dreams to get on there one day. Which is how we got him over a barrel. I'm actually a body dude in the golf course, yeah, we remember shit there, hasn't got much of a run. The Beach Road Hotel was definitely a hotspot for myself and Victor as well. That was a loss.
Usually the time that I could I guess to make something worthwhile for the kids and family so I think yeah getting a bit out of that and it was pretty cool to see the guy, the kid in my sort of unit block you know he was straight on or straight away first day he was out he was knocking on my door wanting a copy. Gave a signed copy then his dad was sending me photos of him reading it every night and stuff like that really it's really rewarding and feel like you make a difference. So Teddy what inspired you to begin this project writing? Was there a day where you were just like fuck it and I'll open a word document and go ham? Yeah it wasn't really it was more just I guess my time in the NRL obviously the connection with kids has been great and I've enjoyed every moment whenever they come and I'm asking for a photo or an autograph. Yeah it really means a lot and I think it was just an idea sort of coming to me from the publishers and they sort of threw the idea of a childhood you know memories that I had and turned that into a book turning into a story that the kids could really relate to and I think the messages I guess that were big for me was for kids to dream big to chase their dreams and I guess if kids can read that and relate to how it started for me to see a young kid playing footy out in his backyard in his 250 acres building posts down in his backyard and had a dream to play yeah in the NRL one day that those kids can relate to that and to see where I am today I think it's massive that yeah they can sort of see their idol and try to build that one day. You talk about you know chasing your dream and it's quite often rugby league players or athletes in general say you know follow your dreams and you kind of think well you know that's all well for Usain Bolt to tell us to follow our dreams as the fastest man on the planet.
Yeah. But I look at this quote from your father John Tedesco I believe is that your old man's name? Yeah that's funny.
He said James couldn't even make the junior rep squad for West when he was 14 and from then on he's always sort of scraped in but once he makes those teams he goes on to finish as the best player. I guess you saying following your dreams actually is quite authentic and it actually it does come from an honest place. How have you found that from being you know the fringe rep player out in southwest rural Sydney to being you know James Tedesco from the Sydney Roosters have you felt that have you felt that transition in the last 10 years?
Yeah I don't know I was telling no stories. Couldn't be able to listen to it.
I always found myself not too bad when I was a kid but he sort of talked me down a bit. He keeps you honest.
There was times I guess during those ages where kids were going through growth spurts and then getting a lot bigger than me and I was sort of really small when I was a kid and I didn't hit my growth spurt until about 17 so yeah there was that as a kid I was pretty fast and had a bit of skill but then as that 13, 14, 15 I sort of got overtaken a fair bit and then as Dad said I was sort of struggling to make rep teams and I was sort of scraping through but yeah I think just always had that hard work mentality and thanks to Dad I was in my backyard every afternoon sort of practicing my footy skills. I had 200 acres, I had footy posts, I had a passing little circle so he sort of made all those things for me to sort of work on my skills and yeah I just love sport and I love footy so I always wanted to do that to play in the NRL. I always had dreams of playing Origin and playing for Australia so I always had those dreams but I had to work really hard to get to where I am at the moment and even when I came into NRL and debuted I sort of had a lot of injuries and I had a lot of setbacks and I sort of just had that hard work mentality to get back. That was my next question Teddy, you kind of hit the ground in the NRL in West, a club that didn't make the finals your entire time there and you were plagued by injuries. Was there ever a point where you were like ok maybe this teaching degree is the immediate thing to me? No, that was still the way back. I still had a lot of fire and passion to play in NRL successfully and yeah as I said at the start of my career it was definitely rocky road. I think I had four or five surgeries in three or four years when I started and I never really had many injuries. As a kid I had none really so when I sort of came into NRL it was a bit of a shock having ACL then broken kneecaps and ankle surgery and all these different things that was sort of a bit new to me. But yeah I guess a big thing was about the mental toughness that I feel like I've really built and really grown over the years especially in the NRL. I think you need that but yeah just coming back from those tough times and overcoming those hurdles and becoming bigger and better and stronger from that. Well on your way to the NRL you almost ended up at the Dragons.
Do you wake up every morning and thank your lucky stars that you didn't end up there? No, no I could do that again. But that was coming through the 20s and they sort of had a big offer for me but I hadn't really done much.
I was only playing 20s and I had all my friends and Tigers at the time. When I was a kid I was at the Tigers I thought that would be my career. I'd stay there. Had all my mates there. We were all coming through together at the same time. That was going to be me. But so many different things happened in our career. I think the only one that's really still there is Brooksy and Nuffa out of about 10 of us that started all through the Tigers at the same time.
You never know.
I was going to go down to Canberra one stage as well. There was so many things that happened. Talk at Canberra!
I mean you could have been there in the premiership window but it all worked out well that the Sydney Roosters. I guess you kind of had a good little glow up there. You got to play with Sonny Bill I guess when you first came over. Yeah I found my feet I guess at the Roosters affair but I think a lot of it was down at Robbo and the coaching staff there and just the club in general. You look at the players that were there at the time. Obviously Cooper came at the same time as well. We had Boydo, Friendy, Orbo. Sonny came at one stage so we had a lot of quality players there and the whole club itself definitely made me into the player I am. I can't thank the Roosters enough for that.
And it's a pretty good place to live I guess as well. Yeah Bondi. I've heard it's nice. I've seen you down there I'm pretty sure.
But you kept an education degree trucking along. You finished that in 2016? Yeah it took me about 7 years. In terms of part time study that's not a bad turnaround. Was anyone in your ear for that or is the NRL making sure you guys are also skilling up outside of football? I started out of school.
I was 17. I was only playing 20s a year after that. I was only 18. I was only part time 20s in the afternoon so I could do a full year of uni.
So I got that done and then the next year I was straight into first grade but I did an ACL so I could do another full semester of the degree. And then I had about, it was a 3 year degree so then for the next 5 years I was pretty much just doing one subject at a time. And to be honest after the first 2 years and I was playing that I was pretty over it. But I stuck to it and I was glad I could finally get a degree at the end of it. But yeah it was more just on me. I think when we finished school a lot of my mates did the same degree and a lot of them went down along. A few were in Sydney as well but what we wanted to do was PE teaching and none of us are doing that now. But that was what we wanted to do when we finished school. When it comes to this, I'm reading through your books and I've had a look and it's quite interesting.
You kind of tell the story of Rugby League from definitely a junior level where you've got old mate that spends the weekends in the family's Lebanese restaurant. You've got your own teddy story with Nonna and you've got the aboriginal PE teacher. It's real south west kind of Sydney yarn. How do you feel Rugby League kind of grabbed you as a kid? Because that's the big thing that Rugby League is well known for particularly in the western suburbs is the grassroots program. You're an Italian kid from south west Sydney in kind of rural south west Sydney.
You could have played soccer, you could have played anything. There was a big push by the AFL. How did they catch you? I started soccer when I was about five. That was my first year all my mates were playing soccer. It's funny in the story, the four mates or five mates are having that story. They're all real and they're my mates that I grew up with and I'm still pretty close to it today. We had a good diversity there. We all ended up playing footy together. But yeah, I played soccer first and then moved to footy and I was like, I wanted your footy to go. So all of our mates went and played footy together and it just sort of built from there.
That was the sport I loved when I was a kid. I loved watching it. I was a Roosters fan as well. Our same colours, they'd be Walfa King, Red, White and Blue. So I just sort of got drawn to the Roosters and that was my team I supported. I don't know, that was just the love of the game. I enjoyed it the most. I played all sorts of sports. When I was a kid, I played cricket, tarts, played union. I think from 10s to 13s I was playing league on Saturdays and then union on Sunday. So I was a pretty active kid and loved sport. But yeah, I think, I don't know, just the enjoyment of playing footy with my mates was the thing I loved the most. I loved watching it on TV and yeah, that's where it all sort of started. Whenever we were at school, we'd play at lunchtime or recess and yeah, that's just what all our mates wanted to do. We loved footy and wanted to always play it.
So yeah, I think that's just how we grew. We went to St. Greg's as well. Obviously, that was a big footy school and guys like Chris Torrance when he was 7, he was debuting for Tigers. And that was sort of guys you sort of look up to and think, I wouldn't mind being that guy one day. You did grow up though, I guess, watching a dynasty forming in Queensland.
Particularly the pundits right now in Fox Sports and Channel 9 and the Daily Telegraph. They've got this narrative that this new Blue Wash, this new New South Wales Blue, the Baby Blues, the Ferraris. They're the kids that grew up watching New South Wales get flogged every year. And they wanted to return pride to the Blue Jersey.
Was that how it was? Is that how it was?
Or you were more interested in getting into the NRL? Oh, I remember yeah, as a kid like every year, we'd be hoping for New South Wales to win. Even some of my mates would have turned to Queensland because they'd always win. As a kid, you'd see the team always winning and they'd just start supporting them. That was the debate that went on sometimes when Origin came around. Some of our mates would just turn and go to Queensland because they'd always win.
Freddy actually brought that up. That's what was happening. Kids were changing and going for Queensland just because they were used to them winning and wanting to go for the winning team. Freddy, he actually brought that up in 2018. When we came in, I think it was 11 debutantes. It was more just about bringing a lot of pride back to New South Wales and getting everyone back behind us. Because the support was pretty low at the time and as I said, kids were just going for whoever was winning. Freddy made it a big thing for us to get that pride back in the jersey. Obviously, he won 18 and 19 last year. It was disappointing.
There is a pretty special feeling about this team because there's so many good players. The way we've won the first two games, it's a big thing for me, I think. It's going to be an interesting next couple of decades for Rugby League. As we're seeing now, the Rugby League is getting the best share of talent of young people coming through.
You get guys like Crichton and Cameron Murray who could have easily played Wallabies 10 years ago. Even you, Teddy. I'm sure 10 years ago, the Wallabies would have been looking for you.
Even though you went to a Rugby League school and you were kind of obsessed with it. I think the pathways for Rugby League are so much better. I don't know about the Rugby League. There are so many great Rugby schools. Even Joseph Suwale, for us, he was playing for a Rugby school. I just think the pathway for the Rugby League is so much better.
I don't know why that is. The union, I don't know. It just seems to be fading away.
A lot of the talented guys who were playing school rugby are getting touted by the Rugby League clubs. I think that's great because we won all the best players playing together and against each other. I think if we're going to add new teams as well, the next five or so years, we won all the best talent against each other.
They always seem to end up at the Roosters. Can you just give us a little bit of an insight of what the culture is like there? Because they always seem to get their man at the Roosters.
People seem happy there as well when they get there. I think it's just how the whole club has run. All the people that are involved in the club, there's no egos. There's no butting heads. Everyone's just on that same path to be successful. There's no excuses for not being successful. When I came to the club, everyone was just so welcome. You get all the players.
It's hard to describe because it's a feeling. You definitely get that feeling when you come into the club. We bring so many new young guys in, especially these two. Somebody walks in Somali who are 17 and 18 years old. But they've come in and felt comfortable and played some great footy for us.
It's all about making sure everyone's on the same path and that same goal to be successful. We work hard at training.
It's just a good feeling. Teddy, I know you're a nice guy, but do you want to compare the culture you're feeling at the Sydney Roosters and have done since you arrived in one, two premierships back to back? I'm sure the feeling has always been love there. Compare that to the club you started with in the shape of West Tigers. What was the feeling there? I don't know what I compare.
I had my mates with me. That's all I'll say. At least I had my mates with me.
It was good. It was good fun.
Now, what does it feel like back to this new dynasty that you're all building in New South Wales? It hurts our feelings as proud Queenslanders. It's good to see when Origen is good, rugby league is good. That's as positive as I can get about the last couple of Origen matches. Tell us what it feels like to feel this dynasty growing. There was a moment there where it was Cleary, Tedesco, Dravovich and then Latrell on the outside. No one's going to stop a try from being scored in that exact scenario. I saw that quite a few times over the last month. Do you guys feel that coming through now? Even when you look at your second strings, you're like, we've still got so much talent here. It is reminiscent of the big three at Queensland with GI and all that talent that was getting around there.
Thurston, what's it feeling like? What's the feeling in the camp now?
It's definitely confidence. I think that confidence comes from all those guys playing really good footy for their clubs. Especially all the Panthers guys as well. A lot of them played Origen before they played a few games. But they bring that confidence in just from how good they've played at club level. Everyone in our team is at the top of their game. It's pretty cool to be amongst that because you just know if you do your job, then everyone else is going to do theirs and it's going to all work pretty well. The big thing was probably just getting everyone connected and on the same page. It showed. We came into camp and we got really close in the first week and a half. Then we went out and played like that. It's cool to be a part of. As you said as well, we've got so much depth as well that if someone goes down, we can bring in a guy who's also playing some really good footy. Like you said, the Queensland team in that era, obviously, we crossed that team. They're all full of champions. I think if we can keep this sort of group together by the time we all finish, then it could be something similar how Queensland built that.
Yeah, no, it's good football you're playing, Teddy. I will say that for sure.
Now, I want to talk about this new world we're living in in the Rugby League where it's either a nail biter or it's a blowout. Obviously, you've experienced both of them with the Sydney Roosters in the last couple of rounds. How does it feel? Do you remember football feeling like this before you were in the NRL? Or is this a wild new world you're living in?
It's different. It's definitely different. I think there's not much of that grind footy that we're used to. I think that was what sort of won us primarily since 18-19 where we just grinded out wins from our defence really. Yeah, it's just a bit different. The momentum shifts really quickly in these new rules in these games and that's really hard to get back, especially if there's a tin bin. It's just not free-flowing as much as we're used to. It's different. I don't know what the solution is, but we've made some changes and we keep trying to change it on the run. I feel like it needs to be a long process of thinking about and comparing with our players what's best and what's not, whereas there's just been changes on the run and we're not really involved with them.
I feel like the Roosters are the club that's going to be able to learn these new rules and learn how to play them. As a club, the Roosters are well known for being able to adapt to whatever is going on in the game. There will be the same clubs that just try and play that same old footy they always played and they'll get the same old results we're seeing. I do feel like the Roosters are going to be able to figure this out.
It's just been the injuries and the guys have retired. It's been a pretty tough year for us. We can't use that as an excuse, obviously, but we haven't missed a lot of leaders. Over the past year, we've had three guys retire. We've had a lot of young guys come up.
He's been spending the whole year, pretty much. I will not change my style of tackle. I just hope he stays on the field for the rest of the year because we need him. We'll continue to work hard and we'll have a good end to the year.
Just as long as you don't have any more house parties in the NRL. That's a costly house fight. If that happened at the Roosters, how do you think Trent would react? It just wouldn't be pretty. No. Would you just try and move up to the Titans or something just to get away? I don't know how that would go down. Nick and Robbo are probably in a room and Robbo is sitting there. You get a smack on the bum.
Teddy, I want to talk about playing for Italy just quickly. That's always a bit of fun when that comes around in the NRL. Everyone gets to represent their family, their ancestry and their heritage. What's that like? Is that a completely different energy when you've got a team, mostly of NRL players, who've all got an honour and you've got this passionate European feel to your rugby league football?
It was really cool actually. I played at the World Cup and the 17 as well for Italy. It was pretty cool.
We had to have four full Italians in our team, guys that had just played in Italy. They were in our squad and half of them could just speak Italian. They were broken English. They weren't the greatest. It was great to have them around and learn something because I can't really speak that great Italian.
Every night, it's funny, we'd have dinners and we'd just have waters and they'd be complaining, where's the red wine? We need some wine. You can't eat with water.
I was like, we've got to play in two days. It was cool.
My Nanda was so proud to see me wearing the Italian jersey and singing the anthem. I think that was her proudest moment. Just seeing how proud she was.
To represent, we actually went alright. At 13, we went pretty well. At 17, we weren't that great.
Minnie was leading us around. It was cool to play with him. One of the guys I looked up to as a kid.
Minicello, actually, there was a fair bit of talent. There's a fair bit more Italian talent coming through too.
It should be interesting whenever they decide to do the next one. Hopefully this year. It certainly won't be as well organised as the Olympics. Even that's not that well organised. We'll see. They'll be a rugby well cup soon enough. What's the plan, do you reckon? It kind of looks like you've got some sort of five-year plan for after footy, Teddy.
You've written two kids books. They're illustrated here by Heath McKenzie. It's great. You've actually got photos. I'm going to have to put these on Instagram. The photos of a young Tedesco. They're good throwbacks.
Prior to the book and just in general, what was the plan? Do you want to get into teaching? I want to be involved in footy somehow.
I enjoy helping younger kids. Even the young kids that have come through, I enjoy teaching them.
Especially about full back and coaching and that sort of stuff. I don't know if coaching could be on the cards. Something is still involved in footy. I'm not sure. I haven't really gathered a full think yet. Something around footy. I could see myself. Something with kids or teaching or coaching. Something around those lines. Again, I'm not sure what that footy looks like.
What's the go out there in Camden? A couple of hundred acres. Are you from a horse family? Is that the go out there? No, cattle. Mum grew up out there.
Dairy farmer. Dad was dairy farmer.
We moved out there to build a house. Dad had flowers. We were selling flowers for a bit there. We would sell them at the markets.
We did beef cattle now. We just run cattle around there and beef them up. That was some of my childhood. Running around with the cattle. Rounding them up.
I wasn't very helpful. Dad would get feed. I was more just the chaser. Having grown up on a dairy, have you ever broken a bone?
No. There you go. See? If you're raised on milk, you don't break your bones. Easy as that. Now I have though. I'm going up. Well, that's what you said. You didn't get any injuries until you started playing in the NRA. That's on that good. I did ride right into a barbed wire stand. That's a shocker. That would make it tougher. Well, there you go.
You've got AttoCar and Whiten and Latrell on their Ringers Western with their big Stetson hats. The real cowboy in the blues side is actually James D'Ezco.
He didn't even wipe me down. He's got my horse.
No, we'll send you some kit, mate. We'll send you some Batutah outfit as a tyre.
You can rock that. Perfect.
Well, you know, there's one more match in the 2021 state of origin to come. This is the game that Queensland will be playing in New South Wales, providing that all goes ahead.
So, I mean, things are looking good for you, Teddy. And you've got this young talent coming through with the Roosters, so you've got some interesting football to come as well. Yeah, mate. I'm excited. I think, yeah, this game three will be pretty cool. I'm hoping we can be in Sydney and all our friends and family can come. I know I might never come to either of the first two games, and I don't know what's going to happen with this lockdown down here, but it'll be great to sort of lift a shield in front of all the friends and family. And, yeah, we want to make it 3-0, obviously. So, big job ahead and, yeah, big end to the year for the Roosters as well. We've got a bit of a challenge ahead of us, but we're excited for that. Well, all the best to you, Teddy. You know, we were impressed. You're a published author, you're a premiership winner, and you are looking pretty good for a three-match blue wash in the Origin. So, thank you for joining us, mate.
I know you're busy, and it's been great to yarn. We'll have to get a scooter of the beach road this time we're down.
Yeah, yeah. Appreciate it, boys.
Scooter of water, maybe a bit of red wine. A scooter of red.
On us, Teddy. All right. All right, thanks for listening. I'll see you. |
dropout | News_Anchor_Wants_to_Sell_You_His_Smelly_Car_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
Before we get started today, I would just like to say I'm selling my car and it doesn't smell bad and you can have it at a great price. It does smell bad. It smells very bad. The smell is the only thing I remember about it. Well, if it smells bad, it's because you demanded to eat pulled pork tacos all day in there yesterday with the windows up.
I'm extremely angry. That's ridiculous. I'm furious.
Okay, enough of this. I don't want to be your friend anymore. Okay. Our first story tonight is the most simple story there is. A man got sucked into a trash compactor. There it is, the end, nothing more to say about that.
I do want to say one more thing about my car, however. It's my car. It is for sale and it smells good. The smell in there is good. It's very good and if there is a smell, this car is going to be a great place for you to make memories with your family. I myself have had many memories in the car.
For example, one time, I found a little mouse in there and I realized it had been living in the engine. The sad thing is the mouse was dead when I found it because it had been living in the engine and I had been using the engine.
That's fantastic. Oh, by the way, my name is Leonard Dahl. Oh, and I'm Incredible Cheese. Our second story of the day concerns the weather, so now we throw it over to someone who always clears up our rainy day, our weather person. Thanks, Incredible Cheese.
Well, it's going to rain all day, but I'd like to take this moment to ignore the weather and tell you about my new movie script, Can't Be Me. We'd prefer you stick to the weather. No, no, let's hear them out.
I love movies. I love my dog at the movies. Nope, I lost my dog at the movies and wasn't even sad about it. Movies are so fun.
Thank you for saying that. Can't Be Me is a coming of age tale where a small mouse trapped inside of an engine fights for its life, clawing its bloody way up the sides of the engine, but oh, no, the engine's too hot and the mouse dies in the end and then is of age. You know, the same thing happened to me, but in the 1990s. I could see that, but also I hate to think about that.
It's disgusting to me. To picture you doing that, I find it disgusting. Yuck.
But wait, I see there is a tornado coming straight to the box office with Can't Be Me 2 out for death, the hit sequel. I love sequels. The word sequel makes me think of a squealing seagull, which reminds me of the beach. Sequel! Which reminds me of what I will leave to my kids, nothing but a bottle of sand. I too love sequels, but because it reminds me that there is always the possibility for a second chance. Bunga bunga bunga, that's what this sequel is all about.
The mouse is back from the dead, this time with a robo-buddy. That's right, R2-D2.
They're trapped in the engine together, but it's a bigger engine this time. Maybe a truck. Maybe the truck is red on the outside. I don't know much about cars. They live together and they're roommates in this engine, but then, oh no, at the end, the engine gets too hot and they die.
Yeah. Correct. No, friend.
And with that, it's time to enter the sports world. Incredible games this week, friends. It's really been a wild time, let me tell you. The high school games have been just great. I think we'd like to hear about the professional games. Well, unfortunately, my daughter, old Sarah, isn't a professional yet, so I didn't see any professional games.
What I did see, though, was a lot of the inside of the port-a-john off Route 2. I had a terrible case of violent IBS on our way to the game and had to plop into that thing for about half an hour or so. Good God, friend. God was not there to be my friend on that day. Not like when I won unlimited bananas on my flight to Hawaii. Now that was a wild time. Let us return to sports. I beg you, I feel sick. But of course.
Old Sarah scored one goal, but then was ejected from the game for throwing her pocket potato at an opposing player. Her pocket potato? What is that? I love the sound of it, but I don't know what it is. Well, the potato she keeps in her pocket is right in the name. Let me describe this potato for you. So it's a, you know, you've seen potatoes before? No. This one is pretty much like most of the ones that you've seen, except it fits in your pocket.
I don't understand. Huh? I don't understand. Okay, I don't know how I'm better to explain this.
So it's a potato, but it's cleaner than the ones that you've normally picked up, like at a Trader Joe's or some, I don't know where you grocery shop. Trader Joe's has great potatoes. Are these potatoes one size fits all? Because I have different size pockets. I can do it. It's a potato that will fit like a side pocket.
Well, that is fucked. Hey buddy, enough out of you. After what I did for you last week, that wasn't easy.
So many gerbils around, that wasn't easy, okay? That's a lot of gerbils. It was a lot, and it wasn't right. The amount of gerbils wasn't right.
I didn't forget about that. Neither should you, okay? Okay, and it appears we were approaching the end of our broadcast, which is as good a time as any to tell you my car is still for sale, and it's a great deal. Enough of that. I told you, I told you enough at the beginning, enough, enough of this. Look at me when you're yelling at me.
In our final news story of the night, we take you inside my head, where I'm thinking this has been the most gang game style. Gangum. Nobody knows what it is. Gang game. Gangum style. Gang game.
So end the final episode we have ever done, appa, appa, appa. Bam. And I feel a little sick, and I wonder, I wonder, I wonder... And that's today's news. Before we go, we have to announce that the loser this afternoon is Carolyn. Fuck. Thank you for watching. I didn't say it right.
Game, game. Game, game style is one of the funniest things. Shut up. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_art_appreciation | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabris here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man, because zygotes not hip anymore. Today, we're going to be talking about art appreciation. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Lexi! Everyone says I need to work on my art appreciation. But listen to the posters I have in my apartment. I got a magic eye, I got a Kathy Ireland in a cheerleader outfit, and I have a blown-up photograph of my grandmother. Right.
That is so terrifying. Why is that terrifying? She's dressed up for her funeral. That is the most terrifying thing I've ever heard, Gabris.
I have Jared Gregory with me, a curator from the New Museum, who's going to be, give me some advice on how to talk about and appreciate art. I think it takes spending some time in museums to find something that, you know, speaks to you.
They don't have to be like going to school. It doesn't have to be like that. It can be, you know, you go to a mat and you see a beautiful temple and you have a nice lunch, and that can be it, too. That sounds fun. Yeah, right? That sounds, because my idea of museums is like guys with ascots talking about, you know, Mr. Merriweather, you know, like stuff like that. It doesn't have to be like that.
Are there any terms I should know? I think it's important to use eye statements, just because it's an interpretive process. So if you say, I think the colors are nice, or I like this about it, or it reminds me of... So you brought some prints with you today? I'm going to start with Permaginino.
This is a giant movie. Madonna with a long neck from a movement called Mannerism. After the Renaissance, artists who essentially could paint these beautiful, perfect forms started to experiment with distortion.
It's like anything. If you do one thing well, you want to try the next thing. You don't just stick with it.
I know exactly what you're talking about. You're talking about in bed, right? Right, exactly.
What would that be in terms of... A chalkboard. A bed term.
This is missionary. Yes. No, this is so far beyond missionary. This is missionary with three condoms on. This is like something we've all never tried, probably. Oh, yeah?
This is Malevich's black square. This is key because it means that you don't have to use the canvas as an exploration into another world. It can be formal. This is a piece of art. Mm-hmm. So like Yankee Stadium has 70 pieces of art on every floor. Well, no. I mean, this is an important point. Art is about intention. And one of the things you want to avoid saying is, I could have done that or anything like that, because when you look at contemporary art especially, if you didn't do it, then it doesn't really matter if you could do it. This is Duchamp's fountain. He bought this and he turned it 90 degrees and signed it and submitted it to an exhibition where they said they'd accept every artwork that was submitted, but they didn't consider it to be artwork, and they didn't include it, which led to the Dada movement.
Me being rejected a bunch led to the Dungeons and Dragons movement. Yeah. I would just stay home and DM some awesome campaigns.
Oh, God.
I never understood that. Thank you so much, Sharon. I feel like I really learned a lot, and I'm excited to learn even more about all this. Thanks for having me. I learned today that you don't have to be some fancy college grad to appreciate art. You could just make it relate to yourself in some way. Like, I enjoy those colors. This reminds me of my summers at the Cape, you know? That's all it takes. Yeah, I mean, it really sounds like you learned something. I did. And now I've got to go take some artistic photos of my aunt, so I'll catch you later. Wow. Help me. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_exterminators | Right, well, again, thank you so much for coming, you know, we've been hearing mice scampering around here for a while. Yeah, I saw one in this area around 2 a.m. last night. What are you doing here at 2 a.m.? I'm sorry, I'm at 3 a.m.
Yeah, that's good. Don't worry, we've been dealing with pests in this building for, like, uh... 10 years now.
Right. Uh, well, I actually saw one right around the corner over there earlier, so if you wanna... Alright, we'll take a look. Gonna go take a look.
Oh, my God, I forgot to tell you guys. I, uh, I beat my personal best. Oh, congrats, man.
At what? What do you mean at what?
Alright, you have some mice. Nothing to worry about. Basically, all you're gonna wanna do is just, like, clean up a lot worse. Eh. Don't you mean better? No worse.
Just throw caution to the wind, leave crumbs, food out. Cheese is a particularly good deterrent, cheese always works, keeps the mice away. I feel like cheese would keep them closer to you.
Excuse us! We have to go tend to the mice. More of that. I don't like you.
That was weird. Yeah, that was weird.
Shh! Do you hear that? Ha! Oh, yep! It is a real mouseopolis over there, huh? Oh, man.
So, what are you guys gonna do about it? I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't set out mouse traps.
No. Please. Really, I feel like mouse traps would kill the mice because when you have mouse traps, they get trapped. No, no, I can see where you think that. Please stop thinking that. Please.
If you set out some sort of a mouse growth hormone, I recommend Yukonada's mouse growth hormone. It'll make them grow up nice and big. Also, cheese, they love cheese.
That'd be a cheesy one. Yeah. Just do that and everything will be okay.
You said cheese was a deterrent. I did say that, but what I meant was that it deters them from not eating it. It will cause them to eat it, so you should give that to them. Excuse us.
Guys, I'm 95% sure that the exterminators are in cahoots with those mice. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I think so.
What the hell happened to you guys? Okay, okay, no big deal. Don't worry about it. All you need to do at this point, new plan, construct half-circular holes in your walls, build a ramp leading to your refrigerator's bottom shelves. Yeah. That should be fine.
Top shelf!
That's where the condiments are. That's where the rain...
What the hell kind of exterminators are you? Let's go up. Let's talk mice. Interesting. These beautiful creatures... Listen, guys.
These mice have done hard time in hard-mouthed prison. You gotta get out of here. They don't give a shit about you or your families. They will cut off their own tail and eat it and shit it out into your child's mouth. You gotta go.
Don't fight us.
We're gonna need your strength for the mouse race! Goodbye, you beautiful sweet fucks. Hey, well played, man. Hey, dude. Team effort. Go over there. No, totally. Hey, you want some? Use some more Dijonays. If you've got any. Dijonays.
Are you symbolic of something? Like you represent something? You know, I feel like you're an underrated part of the group because you're as crucial to it as anybody. |
SaturdayNightLive | date_with_a_child_psychologist_snl | To a wonderful evening. thanks for having me over. I didn't want to say this before, but I've read all your books on child psychology. Yes, well, helping parents properly raise their children is my life's passion.
Who was that little girl?
Well, that's my daughter, Raquel. she's grounded, Just ignore her. that's my first rule of parenting. if you acknowledge her, you give her the power. more of this fabulous one. if the doctor recommends it. I know you can hear me. Ok, she seems really upset. if you need to take a moment with her. Oh, no, no, no. she'll tire out soon. my ex-wife never understood that. But my ex-wife's not here tonight. it's just you and me. it just seems like by now, you would have come and talked to me. Don't look at her, Elaine. you make eye contact with her, you give her the power. I feel like your parenting style isn't really paying off. like your bangs, here's a note.
I'm going to read this. fine. I know what it says already. I'm sorry if I'm ruining your date, but I'm actually a really rational person. I'm in the plant.
If you want to talk. P.s. are you my new mother? Elaine, let me ask you a question. how's your shrimp cocktail? To be honest, I haven't tried it. there's been other things happening. keep your eyes on me, Elaine. if you turn around and see what's happening, you give her the power. Elaine, it feels like we're the only two people on earth, doesn't it? look what I'm doing. I could fall. let's talk about that. maybe we should just acknowledge she's alive. No, her mother suggested that. she was weak and a regular psychologist, trust me. because of my philosophy, she will grow into a well-adjusted, emotionally stable young lady.
Well, um, Jeff? Jeff, I. have my tennis jacket on fire behind me? I have many tennis jackets. it's your favorite! not the blue.
Oh, you see that, Elaine? you almost got me. I almost gave her the power. Listen, Jeff, I just want to say something. I'm starting to think that. Elaine, I know what you're going to say, and you're right. this date is going really, really well. one of the best dates either one of us has been on in years. Now, just one more thing, Elaine. if you acknowledge the terrain of tapioca above your head, you give her the power. I'm so sorry, Elaine. this was never a visit'll come right now. stay strong, Elaine. don't let her know that you know that you have tapioca all over your head. you know what?
I'm sorry, Jeff. All right. Raquel, it's Ok. I acknowledge you.
What can I do?
Oh, man. Elaine, you dummy, you gave me the power. Dad, you're too good for this, Bozo. you're right, sweetheart. she's a fool. After we have Sexy, Elaine, you should probably go home. |
SaturdayNightLive | spa_talk_with_tyla_yonders_snl | Relax and let all your cares drift away. This is Spa Talk with your host, Tyler Yonders. Oh, hello. once again, I'm Tyler Yonders. isn't stress gross? life is full of stress, with cars honking and people pushing and rappers crinkling. Here at Spa Talk, we show you how to tackle your everyday problems, the range of holistic spa treatments. my first guests are a married couple.
Please welcome Daniel and Denise Wason. Why don't I go get them now? Oh, yes, please. come in. seat. seat down. Yes.
I'm going to be working with you today. have a seat. please tell me the source of your stresses. Well, the source of my stress is right over here. Oh, don't you put your hands on my face. let's road. Oh, I'm sensing tension. this will help.
Hey. what, what, what, what, what you doing? bring water all over your face. it's energizing, right? Do you feel better now? No, I don't, because my wife is cheating on me. All right. all right. I see what's going on. what you need is a nice collagen boosting cream. this will fix everything. Well, what will fix everything is if my wife will stop sleeping when I downstairs board her. I converted that basement for income, not so you could get your booty jollies. I'm bored. it was something to do. this is about traffic. like when I do this. does this feel nice? this feels good, right? that helps, right? Oh, I wouldn't be sleeping with Letta if you hadn't left with my mural. there ain't no wall in one color. there ain't no mural. the collagen cream I used is made from almond extracts, vitamin A, and bird doodles. hold up, hold up. did I hear you correctly? you been rubbing bird doodoo on our faces? it's from France. Oh, I'm sorry. that was the end of your session. Okay. hope you feel refreshed. Goodbye. drink lots of water. weren't they great?
It's so nice to see the complete transformation. our next guests are a family with a lot of stress. I find that most people carry their stress in their shoulders or their hinds. Please, let me go get the Venetis. please sit down. have a seat. sit down. have a seat. prepare to be pampered. what's causing stress in your life? My mom dresses like a tramp. excuse me? hey, bras can be shirts, too. what the hell is that?
She got kicked out of the grocery store.
Oh, well, it's a good thing you came to me. Here, smell my finger. What? yo, what are you doing? this is an oil extract. it's my own blend. it's soothing, right? it's Meyer lemon and renews it. Okay. can I say something?
I dress the way I do because I lost 238 pounds. I'm proud of my body.
Trim Spa, baby! Wait, why am I vibrating? I'm turning on your vibrating chair. huh? feel the jiggle. let the jiggle take you. and just relax. relax while I swat you with this twig. What is going on? Oh, yes. isn't this rejuvenating? Yesterday, you came to school and everybody could see your business. Okay, only the short kids noticed. and if you don't like it, you can run away. her bush was out for a full minute. the twig I used to swat you with is also from a bush. a juniper bush.
This is the worst family I've ever had.
Oh, I know what this group needs. a nice exfoliating scrub. you need a fresh start. now, you might feel a tiny, tiny tingle, or a big tingle, or like an acid face fire. Enjoy. And what is this? this stuff smells really nice. this cream is a blend of marine salt, 12% glycolic acid, and turtle doodle. wait a minute. did you put turtle poop on that face? that is unsanitary. it's from Geneva, and it's organic. Oh, nope. your time is up. time is up. I hope I helped you transport yourself to Serenity. All right. drink lots of water. Okay. come on now. pay up front. tip and cash. there we go.
Yes, weren't they great? Oh, I enjoyed working on them, and I believe they left here transformed.
And remember when the world starts stressing you out with its 60-hour work weeks and crying babies and people throwing brownies. Remember. remember to always take time to pamper and refresh, and we'll be right back with more spot talk. |
cracked | how_difficult_would_it_be_to_tackle_a_mass_shooter_quorators_podcast | I have fun's over. Podcast time.
Welcome back to Quarators here on crack.com, home of the fact. Home of the fact. And also not dot com, it's the YouTube page.
We're your hosts, Alex and Jeremy, and I'm Alex. Oh, Jeremy. That's Jeremy. That's Alex.
Every week we read Quaras. We go on to Quora, we say, here are some interesting Quaras, and then we read them here on the YouTube.
You go to crack to the YouTube to hear about Quora. You go on your computer, you type crack.com, you pit yourself in the head with your hand, because that's not what you meant to type. You type YouTube.com, then slash crack, or you go to your profile, you go to YouTube, click profile, click subscriptions, find crack, and then see what they've put up recently. Then you open up a new tab, you type in Quora, you think, no, I don't want to go there by myself, I want the Quorators to curate the Quoras for me.
At this point, you should probably call a doctor of some kind, because things are really getting away from you in a way that may indicate some kind of serious medical issue, some kind of disturbance. Something's wrong. Tell a family member. You're messed up. You are not doing well.
Welcome to Quorators. Now, last week we did all love questions. Isn't that right, Jeremy? It was kind of a time for love back then.
No, man. But not anymore. We're done with that shit. That's over.
If you're bringing love in here, there's the door. You can't see it. It's off camera.
But we got all kinds of other stuff, and probably a lot of it's kind of about confrontation and life and thriving. And we're not talking about love this episode, but first, our question from last week, and that's about love. Because it's from then and not now. Question. This is the question we asked last week.
It was, can I steal my son's baby girl? Crossed over to you.
I am interested to see what people think of this, and if it will just be commenters wishing curses on us and trying to hurt us with magic. First answer from Lindsay Thomas, who's a gamer at Minecraft, parentheses, video game, says, yes, you physically could, but many of us younger Zoomers may consider this pedophilia as dating people younger than you is undoubtedly gross and icky. Have fun getting canceled, idiot. Okay, so that's got to be a listener to our show, right? They're having too much fun with it. They've only answered our question. That's a listener. Quick reminder, if you're going to answer the questions, you've got to use the words scrambled eggs. And hey, try not to make us say the word pedophilia in the first three minutes of the episode. People can clip it and send us to jail. Is that what you want?
We're not making enough money for that, really. Valor podcasting from prison. We're asking questions on Quora about prison. We have no time to curate properly. We're applying firsthand knowledge.
Is that what you want? We're really putting a positive spin on this, but no, you don't want that. Don't do that, please. What about other people?
Christopher Brent Chase, who has a BA in business administration from Shasta College, expected 2027, says, why would you steal your child's lover? Would you want your lover stolen from you? Stelling a lover would not only crush your son, he would probably hate you for the rest of your life.
If you don't want that to happen, then just don't do it. Why would I do it? Because I got to have it.
And then someone else said, hello, Christopher, your posts are worth reading. Though we are not following each other, please kindly follow and I'll follow back. I want us to be friends and you can share some of your thoughtful ideas with me. Thanks. Okay, great.
So that guy's team follow back and we're going to steal the other one's girlfriend. This guy's name is Derek Graham. His bio is, you never fail until you stop trying Italian-American.
I do not think that this is a listener. I don't know why that's so funny back to back. I think if you read it like one sentence, it's funny.
Okay. And then one other person said, dot, dot, dot, sure. Okay. So they all agree.
We could do it. We could do it if we wanted to.
My son doesn't know what's coming. Nope. They think they're so rich in women that they can get away with whatever they want. They don't know, I'm going to be creeping in the window for the baby girl.
Yeah. Your adult son. Yeah.
We have to suspect because we are not going to prison. Don't clip this show. Please don't clip our show. It's not a show that's meant to be clipped except when we do it.
We do it and we put it on TikTok. And then everyone is really kind to us. What's going on? Let's go into our first segment. It's the Quoker. It's our incel and manosphere segment. And this is a song that we wrote. It's an original song that represents Quokers.
Yeah. What if the Joker's on Quora? That's kind of indicated with this song. It would be interesting. He'd ask a lot of interesting questions, I think. He would ask why so serious. Yeah.
Do you want to know how I got these scars? How did you get your scars?
He's kind of like the original Quora user in a way. That was probably what they intended the character to be, was the original Quora user who fights Batman.
Anyway. Also, he's stronger than it seems like he is. Sometimes the Joker is strong and sometimes he's not. What do you mean by that? Sometimes he's normal human strength and then other times he can like dent a car and stuff. That's true. Yeah.
Like he's in the Mortal Kombat versus DC universe game and is like doing all kinds of superhuman stuff. It's like he said he's a clown. The canon is all fucked up in the Mortal Kombat versus DC game.
It's all hither and yon. Anyway, what's our question, Jeremy?
Is Drunken Fist fighting? Sorry. Is Drunken Fist effective for real fight? Now, the reason you may have had a hard time with that title is Drunken Fist should be capitalized.
That's a note I give every week. It is a proper noun. It is the name of a style. It's a type of fighting.
Where you get shit-housed and let them have it. Well, isn't it you pretend to be shit-housed?
No. No? Haven't you seen any of the Drunken Fist filmography?
I thought it was a style where you're like kind of flowing and you're like, ooh, but like you're not like actually drunk. You're faking it. No. You're actually sober. I think the whole concept is you have like a yummy sake or something.
Sure. Or a Eastern spirit of some kind. Okay. Who knows what kind? It could be anything. It's not important.
What's important is you get shit-housed off that shit and then you're like, whoa, about it. The most notable Drunken Fist fighter I know of is, of course, Jar Jar Pinks from the Star Wars universe. When does he do that? He does it all the time. Does he do it in the movie? This is according to the theory of Darth Jar Jar where he is secretly the villain of the whole franchise.
You subscribe to this. Welcome to crack.com, the home of the fact. Did you do like extra research to crack-tify the core? People said that we weren't cracked enough. Well, guess what? I'm Dan O'Brien.
Welcome to crack. They're not. They're underrated, if anything. Welcome to crack. Welcome to crack over the fact.
No, you got to drink a bunch of it like Jackie Chan does in the Drunken Master. There's a theory that when George Lucas wrote the original Star Wars film Phantom of the Menace I was saying. I did not ask about this. The Phantom Menace that he intended Jar Jar to be revealed to be the emperor at the end and that when the movie came out, people made so much fun of the character that he was like, never mind, I never meant that, and the character doesn't show up ever again. I think it would have been a good twist. I don't know how he would end up being that guy who's already later in the movie. The theory is all the scenes where he's flopping around and fighting people by being an idiot is that he's doing Drunken Fist and that he's pretending to flop around, but really, he is a Jedi Master.
I don't think you know what Drunken Fist is because it's when you drink a bunch. It's not when you pretend you're drinking. No, I get you, but Drunken Boxing, Drunken Fist. I just don't believe you.
If we don't establish trust as Quarators, how can we Quarate? Oh, man, there's a long Wikipedia page for Drunken. We're fully off Quora already. Due to a scarcity of historical sources, you're impossible. The history of Drunken Fist is...
I'm going to just control F Jar Jar Bix to just see if it appeared. Okay, I'm kidding. Would you like to just put the word Jar Jar in the Wikipedia and then we'll go back to the question?
It's obviously not going to be there because it didn't end up happening. Okay, then can we take my example of Drunken Fist as actually being drunk? Because I'm going to say it's not effective for real fight.
Unless you're... Okay, in the one situation where you're paralyzed by fear... It makes you feel less pain, too. And less pain, you may be able to berserk your way. Or what if you're in a really cold area? Okay. Now it's making you hotter. It feels that way, but you're actually colder.
I learned that from Family Guy. Did you? I wasn't correct. What's the Family Guy? There's a Family Guy lying about it where Brian's drinking it.
The baseball game is not important.
You know Stewie? Yeah, what does he say to Stewie?
Jar Jar was actually going to be the villain. This is out of hand. There are any Star Wars parodies on the...
I just want to know if Drunken Fist is effective for real fight. Hey, sound off below in the comments and let us know if Drunken Fist is effective for real fight. I think it's not.
Drown out the people who are mad at us. Beat them at their own game. To beat them here before they rise to power. Power legions of commenters. Go forth to YouTube and say, LMAO. Or El Mal.
Do you think it's effective in a real fight? Do I think it's effective? I think it would be because you'd kind of be unpredictable. I feel like it would be hard to fight a drunk person, but if you're really good at fighting, maybe you'd just kick their ass.
They're just worse at everything. They're drunk. They can't stand as good.
I feel like I use Drunken Fist in the sense that in my verbal fights, if I get drunk, I get mean or more confident. Do you dissect your enemies? Oh, yeah. Do you not get... I feel like I get confident when I drink more. Do you not feel like that? And I start to... I get snappier. Oh, sure. I get more confident and more mean. Yes, I'm saying. And I'm kind of like the bad sheriff in town when I drink too much. But that doesn't mean that my fist has improved. See, this is the issue if both of us get too drunk.
There's two bad sheriffs in town. That's true. And the town ain't big enough for the both of us. We both have one good sheriff and one bad sheriff. Yes. That's my design. That's how it works. Good sheriff, bad sheriff. Show the balance of power.
What do the answers say? Can I ask that? Is that something I can even ask on this podcast?
You need to be really strong and flexible and coordinated to pull off the Drunken Fist style of movements. But you spend a lot of time learning to do those movements and conditioning your body to do them instead of learning to fight. Which means that put up against someone who trains boxing, it may not go so well for the Drunken Fighter. But against a normie or just some dickhead causing trouble, the Drunken Box would probably have superior attributes, if not superior skill.
I feel like that's literally what we said. It's not what I said. That's what I said. It's not what I said.
Because I think this is a dangerous door we're opening of just like encouraging strangers on the internet to get drunk before they fight. And I don't think that's what I want to do. We have a platform I want to use for good. And that's why we're discussing Star Wars Episode 1. Am I allowed to read this answer or is it going to cause too much trauma?
Just read it. Diego says, as long as you're not actually drunk. El Mal. You were waiting for me to say it. Oh, no. I just ignored it. Oh, no. Yeah, but he says El Mal though.
He's laughing.
I was just saying because I don't know if you actually are drunk. Yeah, this has really made me second guess everything I know about Drunken Fighting. Really kind of like I have nothing now.
But I'm glad you're enjoying your little show. This guy says if you're Jackie Chan, yes it is.
If you're not Jackie Chan and fight a clueless fighter or a guy that is drunk for real, it might be effective. But not as effective as boxing. If you are not Jackie Chan and fight a guy that know a bit how to fight, you'll receive a kick in the middle, fall on the ground and suffer a bad ground and pound. That's a bad case of ground and pound.
I know everybody hates him because of his disowning his son and all the stuff he says, but Jackie Chan is so cool. He's so cool. He's like the coolest guy.
Yeah, what if his son said that he couldn't win a fight by using Drunken Fist? You'd have to disown him. He'd like kick him into a table where people are eating soup and stuff. I think he disowned his daughter, but I can't remember. He's disowning everybody because they stepped to his ass. Your kids are going to step to your ass when you have them.
If you're Jackie Chan. It's eventually if you're Jackie Chan because they see you in movies and they're like, he's not that tough.
I saw him eat dinner yesterday. He's chasing down their cars on the highway as they drive away. He's falling off an escalator and hitting them on the way down. He's doing all kinds of stuff. They're on the bus to school and he's hanging on to the side of it, trying to crawl his way back in. He does all his own stunts.
He's like Tom Cruise if he was cool. Yeah, and Tom Cruise is cool.
You heard it from me. You heard it here on crack.com. Let's go to the next one. Okay.
This is Quaragon Wild. It's our animal segment. This first question is, do Navy seals get eaten by crocodiles or sharks when deployed in their amphibious missions? I would like to interject and say how nice it is to have a question about animals that is not specifically can I punch them in the head.
It kind of is a little bit, but yes. This is about the military. Do you think the sharks ever confuse a Navy seal for a regular seal? Is that the question? They dress up in those suits. Yeah. In the wetsuits. What do you think? Okay, so sharks, how far are Navy seals going, I guess is my question. Are Navy seals swimming long distances?
Yeah, I don't think they are, right? I think something's gone wrong if they're swimming a long distance. They're going to be tired when they get places. Yeah, they're on the boat. They're not really doing snorkeling. I think they do a little bit, but if you are leaving a boat and get eaten on your way to shore, you did something wrong.
I think that's true. They have developed a sound cannon specifically to stop it. Crocodiles, I better get them left and right.
I bet we've lost at least 10,000 men to crocodiles since 1940. Since 1945. Since World War II specifically. World War II is full of ideas where the Army tried to use bats as a weapon and stuff, and I wouldn't be surprised if we had a whole subdivision of the Korean War that was the crocodile phase before that got reduced out.
I would love to do the irregular weapons manufacturer job where we're all like, I got a bunch of bats. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what they do. Why don't we just send them out there?
I talked about this on another podcast before, but the bat idea was that they were going in the war against Japan to put napalm on all of the bats, set them on fire, and then just have the bats go to the houses because the houses are made out of wood, and then they ran into an issue where they would drop the bats out of planes. The bats would, from the altitude, be asleep because they're knocked unconscious by the pressure. They're just dropping dead bats everywhere.
Oh, my God. Odd fire. On fire. I think it was like a detonated charge over time or something, but... I hate to say it.
The point is the bats didn't work. Yeah, the military operations of our country have never been the best, but... We're not sending our bats. No, we're sending our bats. We're sending our bats.
I like that idea. It's just like, oh, yeah, we're going to strap a bomb to a dog and tell him to go fetch inside our enemy's house. Yo, dogs are probably like the first idea. Yeah, they're probably like, if you throw a stick into that guy's bunker...
You don't try to get bats to do anything until dogs have been entirely ruled out. They were like, we ran out of poor people, so we're going to go with bats.
I got a ton of them at my house. My crocs, they're naturally disguised as logs, as twigs. Any kind of river operation a croc is going to get you. I have bad news for you.
This guy, DG Operator, says a Navy SEAL has never been eaten by a crocodile or shark on a mission. He has to say that. He has to say that to maintain morale. There has only been one fatal shark attack on a UDT man, and it's an amazing story, really.
I'm not reading that. I'm not reading that at all, fuck off.
Is there like a too long... TLDR.
Didn't read the shark got him. I don't fucking know. Too long, didn't read the shark. Didn't read the shark ate his ass.
Want me to read it or no? No. No, I don't.
The U.S. Navy has actually issued a statement on this, although it's a bit dated, 2007. It states, quote, in its entire history, the Naval Special Warfare Development Group has never had an incident where a team member was attacked by a shark.
That they didn't first provoke. Okay, so this is the thing is we're recklessly deploying our young men into hostile shark engagements, and then whatever happens, happens after that. This is... I know this isn't true, because what about all the sharks that ate those guys in Japan that inspired, like, Jaws? Oh, so they fell off the boat. Yeah. Or the boat sank, and they were just in the water for days at a time. The sharks, they came for us one by one. So... But they're not Navy SEALs. That's a true story, though.
They're not Navy SEALs, they're just seamen. They're just seamen? Nobody cares about seamen, honestly. So they were in the Navy, though. Nobody even cares about seamen.
You gotta retain as much seamen as you can. Or else the sharks won't get by. Yeah, or else you'll lose the war.
So I guess, like, they're just normal Navy people, and it's just like, who cares? They got eaten by sharks, but no one gives a fuck. Yeah, nobody gives a fuck about that.
We got a million of those back. All right, fair enough.
Navy SEALs, that's a lot of training going down a croc's belly. It's like a lot of tax dollars. It's a very expensive dinner for that fucking croc. I don't want my tax dollars being used to feed a croc.
All right, let's do the next question.
How do I keep my dog warm in winter? She's an outside dog, parentheses.
Not my choice. I can't do anything about it. So what is the deal with this dog? They're trying to get the dog inside, and the dog's just like, I'm not going in there. Nope. You can't lock me up. I'd rather die.
I'm an outdoor guy. This is a Balto situation. It's a wild dog that you're claiming ownership of. So you got to get up close, take all your clothes off and spoon because it's the only way you'll survive the night. That's right. That's what I've seen in many harrowing adventure tales. In Balto, the adult story. The scene I wrote into Balto they cut out very unfairly.
I feel like you just go up to the dog and you get like a nice jacket form and you put them in a jacket. See, the dogs are already wearing a jacket of their fur, Jeremy. You never see a dog with jackets on?
I do because I live in Brooklyn, but it's an abomination. It's not for utilitarian purposes. If you said booties, little doggy booties, I would be more convinced. I feel like I've seen dogs wearing a nice little jacket. I don't think it's for warmth. I think it's for style. Really?
Because in Brooklyn, you either live the look or you let the look live you. You ever see a child who's so fashionable in Brooklyn just go like... Oh, yesterday I saw a child not like 18 inches high in a full coordinated outfit with like matching shoes and I could not get over it.
It's weirdly demoralizing. I've been texting him, what's this child dress is better than me? Oh yeah. The clothes are only going to fit them for around three weeks. It just makes you feel so poor.
It really does. It's striking.
This baby could buy and sell you. Can't even walk around correctly. They're a big scooter. Oh yeah. They're learning to scooter young in this part of town. This is true.
Anyway, yeah, you got to snuggle with that dog or make a fire for it. Yeah, make a fire for the dog. That's a good idea. A fire's responsible.
I don't think a jacket's going to work. The dog's not going to like wearing your jacket.
You make a fire for a dog, you keep them warm for a day. You teach a dog how to make a fire. Teach a dog to make fire.
You've created dog arson. You've opened up a terrible history. Now we're fighting the dogs at a big war. We're dropping bats on them. Never should have learned how to create technology. Who gave the power of fire to these dogs? It's like Planet of the Apes but against dogs. Yo, if any of my homies give the power of fire to dogs, I'm having vultures pick out their innards for all of eternity.
No cat. That's really funny. Does anybody have any good ideas for this dog question? If she's a small dog under 45 pounds, I don't know. I love how despondent this person is that they can't keep the dog inside. I have no say in the matter. She's just an outside dog.
These are too long. I don't care. All right.
The hell you can't. If you're sensible enough to keep the dog warm, you would let it inside your house.
You should not own animals or even stick up for them. Don't even stick up for animals. If you can't even stick up for them.
Oh, OK. All right. Sorry.
I always do that. I make them funnier. Reading is so important. I'm so bad at reading. Everyone's just trying to fight OP here. I like this.
Find her a better, more responsible family that will care for her properly. Dogs are pack animals. She'll be living indoors with their family. Join the pack. If you can't support that, you need to find a responsible home. Even wild dogs live in a den with their family members too. Huddle together for warmth.
Alex knew. See, I had that at one, but yeah, you should get that dog inside. Yeah. I mean, that's that is the kind of the answer.
You get why are you arguing with the dog where you're like, she just won't do it. Her spirit is too free. She refuses to go inside.
Dogs are pack animals, just like the Quarader's fan base. Join the pack.
Patreon.com. We will snuggle with you to keep you warm. You join our Patreon. Five dollars a month for bonus episodes. Fifteen dollars a month for snuggles. I'm going to touch you.
Let's move on to the Quiz Course. This is our politics segment. Where do I put this button? There we go. This is our politics segment. It's about politics.
If you don't like that, here's the door again off-camera. You can't see it. But it's there. And we have to use a chair to close it because it doesn't close.
If Donald Trump comes up, that can happen here. Oh, yeah. We're not scared to bring him up and question whether he's hot.
There's no sacred cows in this segment. Speaking of sacred cows, what is wrong with India?
Now, this is going to be a divisive question. Yeah, well, most of Quora is Indian, right? And it does seem like most of the people on Quora are living in India. And so for that reason, there's probably going to be people with long-reasoned arguments in the comments here.
And I'm going to just say, as an outsider, as a white devil, I'm going to say, ain't nothing wrong with India. Yeah, beautiful country. I think it looks good walking away.
Hey, none of my business. Hey, I love what you do. Hey, India. What? Just wanted to get another look at you. Oh, God, you're so beautiful.
There's so many mountain ranges. All right, that's that question. No, I'm just kidding. What do we got? Let's see. Are there any that are less than 10 pages long? That's the problem, is that they're all so long. There's so many pictures. Why are they dialogues? All right, let's see.
The country with the third highest porn viewers. Well, what's the population? It's not really fair. Okay, third highest porn viewers per their population is actually like an incredible achievement.
Yeah. I'm assuming the first is America, right? USA.
I mean, I could be wrong. I don't know. It could be Russia have a similar property. Female deities are worshiped. That's nice, I guess. Oh, wait.
No, they're saying that's bad. I don't know. Yeah, I think they're saying that's bad. Oh, that's bad.
Yeah, we just need male deities. Can't do that. If you can be a polytheistic religion with just a bunch of bros, just the boys hanging out. Dude, your religion is such a frickin' sausage fest. I love the guy who's like, we gotta take things back to their roots in a polytheistic enterprise, but also it's just a fella. Zeus, Poseidon.
I refuse to worship a lady. Tell Artemis to unsubscribe. Tell Athena she can kick rocks.
I can't give examples from Hinduism. I don't know enough of them. No, I don't know.
I don't want to take that swing. There's the elephant one. I'm not doing it.
Ganesh. There were multiple alarms. And her name's Ganesh. And she's a man, I'm pretty sure.
These are dark. These are people in murder. Sectarian violence. Oh, we don't like sectarian violence.
Oh, are democracies at risk? We don't want to know about that. What we're asking you is what is wrong with India?
I can't follow this. There's some crazy pictures of this thing. I'm going to throw them up on the screen.
But yeah, I guess you just need a different podcast to explain this one to you. Yeah, sorry. It's not for us. Sorry. If you want to listen to, I don't know. Sorry if you're triggered. We're not answering the what is wrong with India question.
You should be listening to Pod Save India. Check it out. Probably a real podcast by the numbers.
This next question is, how difficult would it be to tackle a mass shooter? Okay, now I'm in my element. I could knock that shit out, no problem. I try it every day. I practice. I crouch down by a door, and then you wait till they pass by the door, and you take them out.
What's the location for you? So I'm cowering behind a desk, right? I'm so afraid. But is it a school shooter? Because I feel like in my head when I'm thinking of a tackling a mass shooter. I think school. I'm thinking movie theater.
Oh, yeah. Well, ever since...
Okay, so when the Joker was in theater, shout out to the Quoker, by the way, the Joker segment, they had all those metal detectors in movie theaters. And then there was the Aurora... Was it Aurora at the movie theater? That was Batman, yeah. That was in Batman, where there was the shooting in the movie theater. And so it's kind of like the Batman canon is trying to create a world where I'm gonna get shot at the movie theater.
But at the same time, there's almost nothing you can do in that situation. Yeah. Because they have a full stadium-style view of you. Depends on where you're sitting and where they're shooting. I always imagine shooter in the front, oh, no, I'm like a fish in a barrel. I'm imagining they're the robe in front of me, they're shooting people below me, and I'm like, Oh, hell no. Stand down, sir. I'm trying to watch this movie.
Hey, could you quiet down? Get off your phone. You could be present and kill people. No, dude, if they were shooting other people and they weren't looking at me, I'd be like, oh, hell no. Yeah, you'd take them out? Yeah, I'd probably take them out. Tackle them?
I'd use my powerful tree-trunk legs. That's smart. I'm tall as hell. I'll get you from downtown.
But the thing is, in a big movie theater, they can shoot you with a good... At a certain distance, you're going to want a big gun that they were smart enough to bring. There was a shooting in my hometown movie theater before I was born. It was the multiplex, but everyone called it the murderplex. Oh, because of the shooting?
That's good writing. They had a metal detector there, and none of my friends would go with me to that movie theater, and I was always like, it's the safest one. They got a metal detector. Yeah. No one's going there again. If you're so convinced there's going to be another freaked movie theater murder...
No, I always think of a classroom because I feel like most of the public shooting is happening in classrooms, although why would I be in the classroom? I'd have to be the teacher. And that would be quite the class.
You've heard a bit about life. No, you've got to wait until they come around the door. It's your only chance. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, and they teach that in like office trainings now. Yes. Escape, barricade, or fight.
I had that in my office. I used to do a bit about it, and no one liked it. Everyone thought it was offensive, but the bit was about how... Here it is. I thought it was funny. It was just like some fucking retired cop from Staten Island came in and was like, all right, today we're going to learn about the ABCs of if there's a shooting.
A, avoid. Actually, that was so funny. It was just like avoid. Avoid.
A, barricade. C, confront. B, I cannot believe there is a shooter at my workplace.
The bit that I would do is I would say they should add D, die. And then people would be like, ugh. And I was like, well, yikes. Sorry.
Well, the ABCs are good. Why are you doing the ABCs? Why are you doing the ABCs of shooters?
It implies there's 26 steps you could take to defeat them, which inspires hope. Enter heaven. F, fuck Marilyn Monroe. That's once you're in. Yeah.
We're doing all this. No, we're done. No, we're out. We're not even halfway done.
We can't.
There's no time. Sorry. There's no time for that.
Everyone loves this. Anyway. This is great. Fairly easy.
Although you risk being shot or killed. That is the downside. Doing good guy shit inherently comes with certain levels of risk. Thank you for doing good guy shit. Upvote for you.
That guy with the funny last name. That was his that's his name. He's the owner at plumbing and he studied at you guessed it.
The school of hard knocks. So many people have studied at that school.
Yeah. It's very popular. Especially on Quora. Yeah. Okay. So I think it's pretty hard to do. I think. Are people saying that it's hard? Yeah. Everyone's like, you probably shouldn't do it anywhere. Body armor. This is like everyone's fantasy though, right? Yeah. This is like, okay. Okay.
Uh, in your head where you're like a, uh, mortal combat character, how do you defeat the shooter? Because my actual combat abilities are pretty limited. I'm mostly a podcast professional. So if I have to vamp with the shooter for a while, I can do that.
Yeah. Until the police are there. Yeah. What's your favorite movie? Goku. Yeah. Stuff like that. Like I could talk about Goku in the shooter for a long time. And the thing about Goku is everyone likes Goku. Yeah. So that's like something I can say that I know we're going to have 20 minutes on that. It could be a weeb. It could be. Yeah.
You kind of a weeb. Who are you guys?
The shooter. Yeah. Until the snipers can get him. Oh, for me, uh, the, the column guy and guys, I really grew up with them. You know, I was just so inspired by their stuff. The way they would ask people if they believe in God, I was thought, I should do that. Yeah.
If I could travel back in time. I could travel. 97 was my year.
This is, um, this is our most offensive episode. Yeah. It's a podcast for Gen Xers here on crack.com. Uh, anyway, that's really it.
If you were just like, no, no, you're killed. But I think you can go for it. Yeah. Why not? Give it a try.
That's our official advice. If you're listening to this podcast while our shooting is happening, go for it. If you're listening to this podcast, do not get drunk and try to fight. If there's a shooter back, all of that glum, but don't get drunk first.
Come on. You're better than that. Let's move on to Corbett and fruit. Our religion segment. Oh no. I'm on the wrong thing. That's not real. You're not really being pulled over. You are really in church because this is Corbett and fruit.
This question is, I caught my atheist watching Harry Potter on his laptop. Even though I told him it's a sin, what should I do? My precious atheist. I caught my atheist. Is this why I got you a laptop? I got you this to re-find God. So I assume this is their kid, right? My atheist child, but I like the idea that they're just the first four words. Give me a spouse. I caught my atheist.
Period. End it there. What'd you catch them with? A big net? Folks. It's a quora that writes itself.
So this is on the laptop. The first thing you're going to want to do is remove laptop.
It's a vessel for sin. Yes. It's a vessel to their couples. That's how they're finding godless heathen podcasts like Quorators.
If you can maybe hobble them in some way, break their legs, keep them from going outside. Spoil the ending. Be like Snape killed Dumbledore. Folks. Harry Potter spoilers. If you'd made it past Darth Jar Jar, Snape did. Welcome to Cracked.
If your child has a laptop, they're probably pretty old, right? I mean, Harry Potter is kind of like little baby stuff. Yeah, I guess so. Did you read Harry Potter as a kid? I mean, I read it. I mean, I was kind of like older when the series ended and I did enjoy it, but I didn't, I don't think it would like influence me religiously.
Sure. Well, there was a big scare, right? People were like, it's satanic. Yep. But that's not atheism. That's satanism. Yeah. That's very different. Eating the dark fruit of the dark Lord. Which is what I did when I was reading Harry Potter. Yeah. Taught me about how to be a witch.
Butterbeer. I started hating my muggle parents. Is my atheist having butterbeer? That sounds so disgusting. Butterbeer?
Yeah. Well, I think they were pretty much just like they get drunk, but in a way kids can do and it's better. Butter? It doesn't literally taste like, I imagine it tastes like butterscotch. Fair. I assume there was butter in it. I don't know. Which soda in general, like it kind of tastes like butterscotch. Anyway, what are the people like?
You have your very own atheist. It's good that you let him have a laptop. If you're concerned about what he's watching on it, you might want to have a look at the child access options in the settings menu.
Oh, so that's like, it was really condescending, but it was practical advice. Yeah, it was real advice. That's what else says, what?
You're allowed to own atheists? This is so nice. Welcome. No one has told me about this. I could think of a thousand cool things I would do with an atheist. First of all, atheists can't be owned because they're too smart.
Does it say that on there? No. Oh.
Are they expensive? Do they eat much?
Can I breed them? Why is that your question, Colin McArthur, former lawyer? Don't ask about breeding anyone. Can I breed them? It's not that kind of show. If they suddenly convert and accept Jesus as their warden savior, do I have to set them free? Can I breed them?
Why is that so gross? Also, where are the answers? Yeah, Quora's like a bad website, kind of. You should cry about it on Quora.
Oh, look, you did that already. You're all done. Oh, my God. Owned by SR. You are never coming back from this.
That's such a weird answer. Everyone's mad. You could post that on anything. People are just pissed off. Yeah, people are pissed off that he owns an atheist. How dare you try to get someone?
Oh, here's one. Mizuki says, normally people would consult the priest in this matter, but don't worry. Follow me on Twitter.
I'm not going to do that.
Oh, here's one. Mizuki says, normally people would consult the priest in this matter, but don't worry. Follow these steps. Consult the Ministry of Magic from your local owl post. I'm not going to read the rest. It goes on. Is it Mizuki from Naruto?
What? Is it when you click on the... Oh. Is it? I don't know.
It's a snake. It says they're a proud Slytherin in the title. Oh, no. That's their bio. It's like the bad guys.
You let a Slytherin in the answers. You can't let a Slytherin in the answers. You can't let a Slytherin in. You can't be taking answers from Slytherins? We need to stomp out the Slytherins.
You're going to even get the dark mark. Rob is trying to kill himself. To add, I say, I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Rob is a Slytherin. Yeah, he's so triggered.
All right, let's move on from this one. This next question is... Atheists.
Atheists. Imagine your friend buys 10 Bibles to burn them together with you, but as soon as he gives you a Bible to burn, a Christian baby sees it and starts crying and begging not to burn it. Who will you listen to? Your friend or the baby? I love the friend group I'm in in this question. We're batch buying Bibles for an event together. And your friend buys 10 Bibles to burn them together with you.
Hey, guys. Hey. New hobby. Bro, I'm at the store.
I was going to pick up nine Bibles. Do you want one? You grab beer. I'll buy the Bibles.
I was thinking for the burning. You know, this weekend's burning.
And is this something you do more than once? You do it and you're like, this was fun and it will stay fun. Well, it's fun. And then you turn around and there's a baby there.
And he goes, don't do that. No. We don't burn your Bible.
It gives me life. It's a Italian baby. It just gives me life. Please, don't burn the Bible. It's a Italian baby. It just gives me life. I'm going to burn the Bible. I am a Italian baby.
It's really sad that he talks like that.
But let me kiss you on the cheek. Would you? Would you listen? I would listen to my friend.
Yeah, I don't see my friend. They're my good friend. Yeah. I'm not friends with this baby.
Babies cry all the time and you ignore them. They never know what they're talking about.
No, it's just like, I'm sleepy. Yeah.
Don't burn that Bible. I don't care about it. Shut up. Go back to Italy. You don't know about the economy. I'm not going to listen to you.
I spent good money on these Bibles. Yeah. You don't understand the value of money. I snuck into 10 hotel rooms for these Bibles. Sure. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let that hard time, which is money, go to waste. That's cool as hell to burn some Bibles.
We should do that on the pod. Yeah. Let's get eight friends. All right. Step one. I don't want to burn like five myself. That sounds outrageous.
It's hard for me to find a situation where I'm really listening to the baby. A talking Christian baby is really convincing me to do anything. Some of the situations these babies are kind of right in.
Sure. I think. Yeah.
And the more extreme ones where you're like parachuting or they're stopping us. Yeah, with me. We need to reduce the budget for the military. And I'm like, that Christian baby's got a point. Shut up, baby. Time for war. We're going to drop you from a plate. The carbon levels. We're out of control. My future. I catch a mountain. Who cares? We're all going to be dead by then, baby.
Why don't you burn one? Let me light up a Stogie. Don't burn that Bible.
Why? I don't care. It's where we send fooms into the air. Do you say fooms, you idiot?
Anyway, that's that baby. That's enough of that.
We should probably. Mama Mia. Do the baby voice every ten minutes.
People either love it or hate it. Very polarizing.
What do the answers say? The answers are the same thing as always. They're just like a talking baby.
I like the top one. I don't burn or ban any book.
And I don't know anyone who could afford ten Bibles. I don't know one person who could afford ten Bibles. I can afford maybe six Bibles. How much does a Bible cost? It can't be very much. If you learn nothing else this episode, it will be the price of a Bible. Bibles for sale.
Order today on Amazon. Interesting. So there's one for $295 and there's one for $4. Literally all over the place. Most of these are about 20 bucks. Okay. So ten Bibles. It's going to cost you about $200. But you're splitting it with ten friends. And if you buy them in bulk, you'd probably get them even cheaper. Yeah. I don't know anyone who could afford ten Bibles. And they're burning. You think I know someone with $200? All right. Now we're searching in bulk on Amazon.
I'm sorry. Anyway, most people are just like, I don't listen to babies.
We had another baby question. Do we? I'm very excited. I love a baby question. I wonder what voices will come up.
Atheists. Imagine you're trying to burn the last copy of the Bible from a Christian baby when Jesus himself shrouds himself in golden light and says, quote, piss off. But you'll become a Christian.
Hey, mate. Jesus is British. Piss off, mate. Hey, I'm back from the dead. And I've had enough to hear with you, Gov. I love pissed off British Jesus, my favorite new character.
So, um, atheists, imagine you are trying to burn the last copy of the Bible from a Christian baby. Imagine Jesus comes back to earth and it's Jason Statham. We need to break this down and departs. Okay. There's one copy left from the Bible. It is owned by a Christian baby. You take it from the baby because obviously it's a baby. You can't do shit about that. You're going to burn it. Jesus shows up. He's Jason Statham. He says, bug off. Imagine this mistake. That's my Bible. The second you touch that baby, you lost your life. Right. You hear that you go, you know what?
I'm a Christian. And I think the answer is yes. I do become a Christian because that means a follower of Christ. If Jesus came up to me and was a British man, I'm like, I'm following you wherever you want.
Do unto others as Jason Statham would do unto me. And then I'd take out my piece. I called it sideways because that's the kind of thing he might do in any given.
Jason? Yeah, Jason. First name basis. First name basis with Jason Statham.
Um, you're seeing that movie. What is it? Wrath of man. His most recent Guy Ritchie movie. Oh, no. That one didn't look very good. Although they're all kind of the same movie, right? Like the Guy Ritchie movies. It's pretty dumb.
Yeah. But the movie is that he like infiltrates this company so that he can rob it later. And he's trying to act like a normal guy. But everyone knows that he's kind of too tough. You know what I mean? So there's one scene. He's too tough to be undercover. Yeah. Like people are like, he's like obviously ex-military. But people are like, hey, Jason Statham. You want to go out for drinks later? And he's like, no, I'm Jason Statham. But there's one really funny scene. No, it's disassembling and reassembling machines around the office. Yes. You seem like a normal guy. There's one scene where this character is like, hey, Jason Statham.
Like, what's your favorite food? And he's like, uh, vegan stuff. See you rations. I mean, nothing. He's just trying not to seem too cool, I guess. He's like, I like girl food. Probably girl dinner. Bunch of pills, mate.
Anyway, I love this question. It makes me really happy.
So if Jesus told me he'd biz off, I'm going to take this. Piz off. Clearly, I'm the asshole in this place. Am I the asshole? Jesus told me to piz off. I don't know how I know it's him because he talks with Jason Statham. But I got to get out of here. Martin Benjamin says, yes, yes, I would. On the condition that Christian baby finally leaves me alone.
OK, so we're having a little bit of meta commentary. Boom, up vote. Because everyone's talking about the baby and it's a running joke. But here's the thing is it's also an important rhetorical tool.
I commented that's right. Oh, thank you. Thank you for doing that.
No babies are born Christian. They have to be indoctrinated more in the language to comprehend what they're being told. Hardly a baby.
Every time they get stuck on this. I know. Babies can be Christian. I like this one.
Richard Bold says, I imagine I told you to piss off. Would you just STFU? How are you coming back from that? And then guess what's after that is for rolling on the ground laughing emojis.
Yep. That's how much they're rolling around about it. I think I would become a Christian. I genuinely would. This is the first one where I'm like, yes. If you see Jesus. At that point, it's like, yeah, he's magic. Sure. Yeah, I don't know. If I met a magic, I'm probably going to follow him.
I tried to get rid of all of these Bibles and I feel like an idiot for it. And I was about to burn it. I did some fucked up stuff to get to this point.
And we can't make more for some reason. No, we're all out of the word of the Lord. The Internet's down. Sorry, the printer's offline, so you can't print any more books.
There's a jam. All right. We're out of ink. You went to our police segment? Yes. Now we'll hit the button the right time.
This is not a real siren. You are not under arrest.
This is just the podcast.
It's normal to hear it. Okay, this is a good one.
Can I go to jail if I kill a murderer? Parentheses, no self-defense. Just went to his house and did it. Love the explanation there. The answer is no. You can't.
Well...
I encourage our listeners to do this. What if I really want to? There's only one reason you can go to jail. It's because someone tricked you into saying pedophile on your podcast. And then they clipped you and made you look only on the Internet. Here's the thing.
If one is to hunt a lion, what chance does one stand in lion to lion combat? The lion will tear you limb from limb and eat your organs out of your blood hole.
That's true. Isn't this the premise of Dexter? Isn't it? Isn't he a serial killer who kills serial killers? Yeah, that is Dexter. I haven't seen it. But it's because he has a compulsion.
It's not that it's legal. The idea is that they'll, you know, throw him to jail or somebody... I thought it was because of a loophole where if you kill a murderer, you can't go to jail. No, he's not, like, sanctioned by the department. If you marry the murderer, you can't testify against him. All kinds of rules for murderers come...
Check out Dexter while you're at it. But, um... I love the... Did I just finish my...
No self-defense.
They do not see me coming. This is my point. Sorry, please finish your point. I'm very sorry.
One is to hunt the lion in its sleeping chambers.
Sure. Then your odds increase. Dramatically. Of what? Oh, killing the lion. Okay, I see what you're saying. I'm kind of like in...
I'm developing an evil personality. Evil Alex. That does morally questionable things.
I like that character. I need more, like, going on. Yeah, that's true. There's not enough, like, to keep you hooked that I just read Quora. I need to, like... There needs to be one good guy and one bad guy.
I'm a good guy. And I'm a Christian baby. You're like an honest guy. Just a normal Joe. You're an everyday... You wear a hat. I feel like that's an everyday guy thing.
The headphones hurt my head. Yeah, they hurt my head, too.
That doesn't mean anything. But, yeah, I'm like a son of a bitch sometimes. That's why I wear a hat usually. Yeah, Alex is evil now. Don't fight him. Ooh, I do. Just don't go to sleep, Alex.
It's legal for him to go to your house and kill you. I don't really see any room to play with with the jail part of it, though, because most situations where you kill a guy, you go to jail. Oh, unless you're a cop. Yeah, I was about to say, if you're a cop... If you're a cop, you just, like... Basically, you could just go into someone's house and kill them.
It's happened a lot. Yeah, it's really easy to do. Yeah. You can just say, like, a crack addict burst in here. Sure. Dave's spell jokes bring a crack on him. It's classic. Yeah, I thought of that just now. Alex invented that joke. I'm very rich. Alex keeps slapping his knee with a microphone. I've done it, and it's a rush.
You just like to do it and realize, like, you can't. I can't.
They're built into the table. If this was in my living room still, I could do it.
Yeah, we don't do it there anymore. We'll leave you back. All right, well, everyone says, yes, it's illegal. Yeah, you go to jail, unfortunately.
I would love to tell you to kill at will. Only I'll tell you to do that. I'd love to tell you to go psycho mode out there.
I can't wait to get a million comments that are like, Jeremy's wrong about this. It's actually a wiggle to do that. Troll alert, troll alert, troll alert. The drawing of the troll and the don't feed the troll picture is quite interesting. It makes me want to feed that troll. It's a bit liberal. It kind of looks like a mole. Yeah, it's a liberal troll. Maybe the original image said don't feed the mole.
Maybe. Yeah, it's interesting. Maybe there's something there. Okay, I think there's just one law enforcement question. Okay, should we find some more after that or no? We got quaranting here. Let's see how this one goes. This could be a rich text. And this is very similar to a lot of the questions we were asking last week.
This is saying, no, it's quaranting. Excuse me. That's enough. That is the quaranting sound. That's the sound you hear as a parent. Something has gone a little too far. When your kids will not put down the butterscotch. That's enough.
Give me that Bible. I'm burning it. Do you want me to give you mismatching clothes next? Your fancy outfit to make younger people feel poor? Put on your extremely fancy jacket, you're four years old, and you need to mock Alex in the streets. That's it. Give me your supreme hoodie.
Take off your Ray-Bans and look at me. I don't know what you're looking at. You could be looking at my huge boobs. Which would be normal if you're a baby.
Yeah, they want that shit. I was like, hey, we've all done it.
What is the question? We didn't ask it yet.
What would you do if your son gave you a MILF shirt for your 45th birthday? Huh. For my 45th birthday? Rob's done it. I'd give it to my beautiful wife. I'd say, happy birthday, honey. It's my birthday.
I got you a MILF shirt from our son. Well, I assume you're the mom in this case. Yeah, I'm a mom, and I'm a MILF. You're a MILF. I'm assuming I'm not like an ugly mom. No, you're a mom that people love to fuck.
If anything, the birth has only made me tighter. That's interesting. Modern science would fucking investigate your vagina. They got to check me out because I am an anomaly. Oh, wow. But at the same time, I do feel some tension receiving this great gift from my son. They're calling it snapback vagina. You're still stuck on my tight vagina, I see. Yeah.
Oh, who is it? I didn't realize I was talking to my husband. What would I do if my son gave me a MILF shirt for my 40th birthday? The pizza delivery man. Who is the real father of my child?
I must know. But at the same time, I'd maybe give them a talking to. I'd say, well, this gift shows great humor. Yes, and yes, it's a compliment that I am quite fuckable. I am a mom. Many would love to fuck. I'd say that. I'd look them right in the eyes and I'd say that. They gave me the gift they asked for. You know who loves to fuck me?
It's Dad. Daddy. You can get him a MILF shirt. Oh, yeah, and he feels left out.
If they were matching, it would be significantly less weird. That came out crazy. I don't know if it would be that much fun. Parents, I love to watch fuck each other. It shows that they put thought into the gift. Does that make it more weird? Like, if it's an anniversary, you're just little shitty kids. Like, yeah, I think you're both ILFs.
When I was a little kid, my parents always tell me the story that apparently I went to my dad and said, I love you. And my dad said, why don't you go to mom and tell her that? And I went to my mom and said, mom, I love dad.
And she cried. And that's the equivalent of giving just one parent an ILF shirt. These are comedy standards, folks. That's how you roast a mom.
I was a young boy. You could have made up for it with a MILF shirt. I could have.
It's too late now. Don't get her one now. It's far too late.
Yeah, many moms might be turned off, but if you've got a real freak out there, it could be good. There are some bad parents who probably would appreciate the joke, but it is. Some people just need a compliment, too.
Oh, my God. Hey, mom. You're a MILF. I think you're a MILF.
I'm sure lots of people want to fuck you, or would love to. Everyone in my school class won't stop talking about it. That's the kind of things that these young boys do, or girls. All sorts of kids.
Also, hey, well, I don't care who you are. This is a MILF. The top comment from Scott Welch says, put it away somewhere safe and haul it out for the after-dinner speeches at its wedding rehearsal dinner. He'll be mortified. I assume they develop some sense of awareness later. Yeah. Not now.
Amanda says, my son is 12 now and definitely has poor enough judgment to think this is funny, though I don't think he knows this acronym yet. Our family has a sense of humor, especially when it's just the kids, their dad, and me. I'd probably thank him for his opinion, that he has an attractive mom, then ask him if I should wear it to his next hockey game. If his response is anything other than a horrified, no! His dad and I would need to have a serious talk about the boundaries of humor, appropriateness, and respect. Okay, I have to interject. We all think it's funny, though, right?
To give your mom a MILF shirt. To give your mom a MILF shirt?
I think it's a boundary too far. You can say it's too far, but you have to admit it's pretty funny. It's funny in a way where, like, if my friend told me that they did that, I'd be like, that's kind of gross.
Yeah. Don't do that. But it's funny. It's undeniably, like, something, it's a story of note. It's nothing. It's news. And that's what this show's about. Yeah, no, it's funny.
It's weird. It's really weird.
Don't do it. I wouldn't do it. No, I wouldn't either. If I were the MILF, then maybe I would maybe not punish them.
It's the kind of funny story that, like, if a friend of mine told me that story, I assume it's the kind of friend who has a lot of stories that are, like, crossing boundaries. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just one of a thousand stories from them where they're like, and then one time I punched a dog in the face. And you're like, don't do that. All right, man. Don't do stuff like that. You're crazy. Hey, the dog stole my mom's MILF shirt. Yeah, I guess if you're in there.
I shot myself with a gun, and I had to use my mom's MILF shirt to stop the bleeding. It just keeps coming back. One of the darkest stories he tells is about his self-inflicted gun wound.
You know, Lil Wayne did that. Did he? Yeah.
He bought his mom a MILF shirt. Yeah, after he bought his mom a MILF shirt, he took his shirt off because he's never wearing a shirt.
And he was doing the taxi driver, you talking to me thing with a real gun, and he actually shot himself.
That's pretty dumb. Isn't that kind of funny? Yeah, it is pretty funny.
I mean, at the time, it would probably be like, ow! Ouch! Yeah, big time. I regret this, but, you know.
This guy, Mark Brown, says, teenagers, geesh. Really, what else do you need to know? I don't think geesh is a word. Geesh.
First, put the best construction on the action possible. We live in a world and culture where everything is about how it looks. So the MILF shirt is a clumsy attempt at a compliment, depending upon the boy. It could also have been a joke to get exactly this reaction from mom. Laugh along. I doubt it's anyway meant to be creepy.
Second, it's probably too late, but put on the shirt and play it up one morning. If you have other kids, they will ask you to take it off out of embarrassment. The kid will get it and learn something without direct confrontation. Or you could just ask him what he meant. He's a boy, he'll probably tell you. How do you play up a MILF shirt? They just come down to breakfast and you're like, uh-oh, guess my son's here who likes to fuck. Look, where is the shirt?
I hate all of this. All right, no, here's my basic question for this whole thing, which is, is this just another erotica prompt on Quora? Because most of these are, but people are genuinely answering them. Yeah, well, most of the related questions are like, as a mom, do you ever fuck your kids? Like, no joke. Yeah. That's literally half of them. Well, that's why I guess I'm confused that it has real answers. Yeah. But the real answers are that I guess kill that kid. Yeah, I'm not going to actually read any of these, but yeah, most of these are just like, yep, these are literally just incest porn. Put your child in a well and seal it. I don't like any of these. These are really obstetric. The related questions. The MILF shirt question is now quite innocent now that I look back at it. Right, which is why I put it on the document.
Someone says, I would turn it into mice or mile. That's really thoughtful. Turn it into mice. If your child gives you a MILF shirt, turn it into mice.
That's all we wanted to say here today. Let's ask a question. That's been the Quarader's podcast. Let's ask a question on our way out. We have a question from the bonus this week that we were going to ask about eating too many grapes. Oh. But we want to ask one that's appropriate for this episode or relevant. I don't remember the full grape question.
Wait, who cares? And nobody cares about it.
Get rid of it. Hey, sorry about that grapes question. What's the question you asked? Our question is, does Darth Jar Jar ever get laid or what? The problem is, if we do that, when we talk to our guests next week, we will have to discuss Darth Jar Jar. Which, quite frankly, I don't want to do.
And you're the one. You're the one insisting.
One and done. We do the whole lore for Darth Jar Jar. One and done. Fine.
You can see Jar Jar does a little motion with his hand. Shut up. And then, Qui-Gon says the thing he wants him to say. Why would he do drunken fist if he's a Darth Lord? That's not something that happens in Star Wars. He's a phantom menace. I'm getting really mad all of a sudden. He's the phantom menace. He needs to stay hidden. My question is... Why does Jar Jar become a senator?
My question is, can you die from eating too many grapes?
Sheriff, that's a great one. There you go. Write that up. Write, that's been us for another week.
This has been the Quarader's podcast, the only show that asks, what is Quora? Thanks for listening. If you would like more episodes where we go read Quoras on other websites or do themed episodes. Or do themed Quora episodes. Sometimes there are about all kinds of crazy stuff. Go to patreon.com slash Quaraders.
That's our page. And until next week, we will... I don't know. Do whatever you want until next week because that's when the show comes up. Drop a comment below as to whether you think that this is scripted or not. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | The_Best_CollegeHumor_Sketches_Ever_of_2019 | So, it's like Seeso, but it's different, it's got comics and chats and stuff too. Did you guys get my invite to my birthday? Yeah. Yeah, we all got it.
I'm so sorry. You guys shouldn't have gotten that. So you can just ignore.
What time's it getting to be? Oh, yeah. We should probably order food if we're going to be here all night. Yeah, let's do it. You guys want Chinese? Sounds good to me. Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Hell yeah. Let's do Ming Moon.
They close in five minutes though, so just tell me what you want to order. I'll call it in. I'll have the General Tso's combo. Sorry, do they have a menu? Yeah, theoretically they have one, but you know, it's a Chinese food restaurant, so they have Chinese food. Well, let me just look at that and then I can decide.
Okay, well, they're not on Yelp, so there is no menu to look at, but even if there was, it's Chinese food, right? You wouldn't need a menu for ordering pizza. Wait, are we getting pizza? Because then I definitely need to see a menu. No, we're not ordering pizza. We have exactly four minutes until this place closes, all right? We're not getting pizza, and even if we were, none of you should need a menu, right?
It's the same toppings, always, forever, everywhere, and we should all know generally what we like by now. Look, you've had Chinese food before.
I don't know, I'm not sure. You're not sure?
Come to think of it, I really would love to take a look at a menu, because what if I want to change things up? Grant, if you want to live out in some fantasy world where you make new and exciting decisions, be my guest, but we all know when the chips are down, you're getting beef and broccoli, pork fried rice, and an egg roll like you always do.
What if they don't have General Tso's though? They will have General Tso's. What if they don't? I promise you that they will have something exactly like General Tso's.
I just don't know what I want unless I pick it off a menu. Okay, okay, okay, that's fine, that's totally fine. Here's what you can do. Using the power of your imagination, construct a menu in your mind's eye, consisting of all the Chinese food meals you've enjoyed over your long lives. Then, using that mental menu, tell me what you want to order!
What if they don't have dumplings? Because God above is my witness, Grant. They will have dumplings.
But aren't they on the menu? Because it would be really rude to ask if it wasn't on the menu. Menus are for cowards and simpletons, Trapp. Persons of character look in their heart and know what they want to order. Do you always know what you want to order? I haven't looked at a menu in 24 years.
Try me. Thai. Pad see you. Thai iced tea. Indian. Chicken tikka masala garlic. Italian.
Chicken parm. Get out of chicken. Chicken piccata.
The Sorcerer. New Magic Lamp. Freedom for the first genie.
You're going to give yourself a heart attack. You were going to give me a heart attack.
Two minutes! So what?
You order the same meal every time? I order the best meal every time.
You'd have a cheeseburger for breakfast! Exactly! What if you don't have the mood for a cheeseburger? Then I'd be in the mood for a Western omelet with cheddar cheese, whole wheat toast, home fries, and a cup of coffee with some happen happen. I wouldn't need a menu to know it!
So you only have two moods? Is that it? Two moods is enough for anybody! You're insane! One minute!
Thank you so much. Have a great night.
You fuck. You know, technically, an egg roll is a sandwich. Oh, go to hell.
John Mayer. You're not Jerry Garcia. Hey. Hey, Scarlett.
Sorry that latest project didn't work out. But you know what? Let's just put those days of picking controversial roles behind us, huh? What do you mean? We talked about this, ScarJo, okay?
Like when you tried to play a trans man in a movie, or when you actually did play an Asian woman in Ghost in the Shell. And I know you said that an actor can play any person, tree, or animal, but let's stick with person. And let's stick with roles that are suitable for Scarlett, huh? Like I got a lot of great scripts over here, like Oprah is starring and producing a historical drama about a black mother who befriends a white teacher in the segregation era.
Oh, wow. I'd love to do that. Yeah. Yeah, except I'm Oprah's part, and Oprah's my part.
As actors, we cannot do what is expected. We must be the dark mirrors of society. Acting is reacting.
Hey, Scarlett. I've got some primo Oscar fodder here. You play a German spy who aids the Allies during World War II. Okay, quick pitch. Can they make my character a disabled Latina German?
What? Why? I'm not even sure that that makes historical sense. It's important we tell stories about underrepresented groups and that those groups be played by me.
Let me call you back.
Oh, hey. Scarlett, I got this incredible young Marilyn Monroe biopic on my desk. I'm interested. You'd play Marilyn as she was. No other characters. I know. I've got the perfect director for this, my dear friend Woody Allen. I don't think that's a great idea. I'll make it with Woody and nobody else. He understands young women. I want to do the new Benjamin Button movie. Okay, nothing problematic with that.
You age backwards into a baby. You show your range as an actor. Right, but I want to age backwards into a black baby. So you age backwards and your race slowly turns black.
I don't know if- Yeah, no, that's stupid. Right? That's stupid. Good call, ScarJo. I'm black the whole time and I age backwards. No.
I am an actor. Yeah, you're an actor. Scarlett speaking.
All right. I got a lot of options here in case one of these doesn't work out. A musical where you play a washed up pop star trying to revive her career. As long as she's in a K-pop band. Moving on.
They want you to narrate a documentary about endangered wolves. Only if I can speak in a Native American accent. I'm really good at it. Do you want to hear it? Absolutely not. Okay, Marvel called. They saw your interview. They want you to be the voice of the new Groot. Like the tree? Yes. Okay, but I have to be a black elm. What does that even mean? Also, I want to play Malala.
I'm in a tunnel. Okay, I'm out of the tunnel.
Hey. Scarlett, I got nothing left for you. We've been through every script.
I'm actually thinking of writing my own screenplay. About what? About my own life. My life story. And you'd be you? Playing yourself?
Yeah. This is amazing. I can't wait to read it. I'd mostly be revisiting my time playing Motoko Musunagi in Ghost in the Shell. Well, Scarlett Ingrid Johansson, this is a whole Pandora's box full of ****. What's going on?
I've asked you all to meet me here because somebody in this room got me sick. Yes, one of you. One of us?
Why, that's preposterous. You may not be sick at all. Perhaps you're simply tired or dehydrated. Yes, hydration. It's terribly important. I read an article about it, you know. No, the fact is that I am sick.
All the early warning signs are there. Swollen lymph nodes, headaches, scratchy throat.
The only people I've been around lately are you. Well, piss-posh. Why, maybe it was an accident or maybe there's just something going around. These things don't just go around. No, someone got me sick. And justice will be done. You, breaded fool. You seem quite keen to dismiss this whole thing. Very curious for a man who has spent hours breathing in my face on set. How dare you, sirrah? I have never been sick a day in my life. Besides, we all know who got you sick. It was Gruff. Me, sir? Yes, you, sir, where we all saw you hacking and wheezing away yesterday. You misunderstand.
They were my allergies. Your allergies? And what exactly are you allergic to? Why, everything.
My constitution is as weak as my arms. Oh, please, they surely can't be that weak. Oh, but they are. On account of my old age. This is a most convincing story. I can see with my own eyes how old and frail this man is.
Well, I refuse to believe that it is one of us. I mean, perhaps it was your wife, Trapp, or maybe one of those dirty old bus poles. I don't think that...
Nobody move!
Oh, no! Don't be my loner! My God! Someone got Brennan sick! It was Jessica! Grant, no! I can't be silent any longer. Jessica was tweeting yesterday about vomiting. You were ill. Jessica!
Is this true? No. Was it you? No. Did you get me sick? Did you get Brennan sick? No, no, no! Are you the one? I did not!
I vomited because of a very intense workout. And then I vomited again because I was excited. And then I vomited a third time because I saw the first pile of vomit. I vomited literally all the time.
You probably weren't drinking enough water. Water doesn't fix everything.
Well, I don't know. If you'd read this article that I'd read, you might be quite convinced. Well, here's the thing, Siobhan. We're not going to read that article anyway.
You all seem to be forgetting that there's a monster here. A monster in our midst. A monster named Raph.
No! Me? Why, I didn't even come into the office yesterday. No, you weren't in the office, were you, Raph? And why was that?
I took a personal day. Can't I take a personal day? You can take a personal day, Raph. But I have seen the personnel calendar, and I know for a fact you took a sick day.
No! Yes, it's right here, plain as paper.
Now, why would you lie about that? Why would you try to hide it? I'll tell you why. It's because you're guilty.
You got me sick. You got Brennan sick.
Blammo! Blammo, I say to you. Case closed. Okay!
I took a sick day. Raph, no! But I wasn't actually sick. I was hungover. On Wednesday. Don't judge me. Well, I hope you drank plenty of fluids.
God damn it, Siobhan. If you bring up this water theory one more time, I'm going to lose it. Oh, here's the sticky wicket of it all. Although if it wasn't Raphael, then who in the blazes was it? Who indeed? This is a most twisted case.
Not Brennan who got sick in this very room. Not Raph or Grant or Jessica, whose ailments were not contagious.
Which can only mean... Hello? Slap my t***! It's Siobhan! Yes, thank you, Colonel. Wow, what would I do without you? It can't be me. I've been drinking simply bucket loads of water. My God, Siobhan.
There's no crime so low as getting another sick. No victim more undeserving than I. Didn't you kill Pat? Allegedly. Rumors, rumors, rumors. In the eyes of the court, in the eyes of America, I definitely did not kill Pat. No!
Hey, what is all this? I just became a seabird representative and I thought I'd try out my little sales pitch here at the office first. Do you interest us? Yes, sure, I'd love to. Can I help you find anything in particular? I'm not familiar with seabird makeup, so I guess I'll just...
Is that a joke? I'm sorry?
We do not sell makeup products, we sell wellness products. Oh, okay. I mean, it looks like makeup. Does it? I don't think it does. As a wellness brand, we sell products that help you become a better you by building your confidence, okay? So you can clearly see we are very different. Okay, I mean, it seems the same. I noticed you have big, big, big dark circles under your eyes, like a raccoon who's been punched. Anyway, give me that face! There you go. I love it.
It's really good under-eye concealer. That is not a concealer. We do not sell a concealer.
That is actually our Inner Glow Enhancing Cream. Yeah, okay. I mean, between us, like, we don't have to do this, right? Like, I get the whole lingo, but it's just concealer. It's makeup. That's fine. It's really not, though. It helps you love the skin you're in by completely covering it. So it's a smooth, even color, and it also conceals your facial flaws. Yeah, you just said conceal, right? So it is a concealer. Anyway, our customers absolutely swear by our heaven line. There is the Heavenly Dot Cream, the Heavenly Scrub, and the Heavenly Moisturizer, which I see you are just taking on your own. Okay. This is just, like, to cover up acne, right? Those are designed to help with your inner beauty, with the enhancement of your inner beauty. We don't really deal with powder beauty. I don't even... What is that? Yeah, but I'm looking at the ingredients. It's a zit cream.
Seabird is totally obsessed with feminism now. That's why we sell these adorable little thongs that say, Feminist AF. This is a feminist product? Yes. Being traditionally sexy is one of the absolute best ways for women to empower themselves. Katie, this is a part of the problem, right?
We also have an amazing line of really yummy foods. These are my favorite. Take a look.
This is just diet food. We do not sell dining foods. That is a lifestyle food. It says, Appetite Suppressive. Right, but suppress your appetite for you, and not because society tells you to.
Katie, that is such BS, all right? We know the only reason we're doing any of this is to conform to your lifestyle. This is to conform with society, to feel like we fit in.
Right? Have you heard? What?
About our new Seabird Feel Good Waste Huggers? They will instantly cut inches from your waist. It's not a waste hugger. It's not cute. It's a waste trainer, and it's not healthy. We have found through scientific study and research and through experimentation that wastes of all sizes need to be hugged.
I need you right now, just for my own sanity, to tell me that this is lipstick. It is strength enhancing lip fluff. Is that what you meant by lipstick? This right here, this is mascara, and we can just call it mascara, and it's okay. We're allowed to call it what it is. It is inner light extraction syrup.
I'm sorry, that's embarrassing for you. Stop lying.
This is eyeshadow. I know you know it's eyeshadow.
No. Oh, embarrassing again. That is actually peaceful thoughts skin sap. We're not falling for any of this. We know that you are just selling expensive stuff to make women more traditionally attractive. It's okay if somebody likes that, but we can call it what it is, right? Jess, calm down, okay? If you do not like my Seabird products, you do not need to purchase my Seabird products.
Rekha's just over there. I'll just go talk to her instead.
All right, I'll just start packing these up then. Okay, please, no, don't pack them up. Great, I thought so.
That will be $3,978. Tip is not included. Not included. How much is a tip?
Usually 30 to 40%. Oh, that's a lot. If it's a friend, 50%.
Yeah, it's nice to see you again, Jelly. And you as well, Tommy. I can't wait to answer questions about the whimsical world of chocolate hearing. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Tommy. Hi, Scott Bagel, Daily Report. Tommy, question for you.
What would you say is the most zany, craziest part of being a chocolatier? I'd have to say it's the expansion. I started at Conclamo Chocolates and I was in charge of production in Midwestern cities, primarily with a population less than 500,000. And now, well, it's very exciting. Incredible. Jelly, as a woman, what does it feel like to be in a male-dominated field?
Oh, you're not going to ask me the fun question, too? No.
Oh, you know, because I'm Jilly Jonka of the Jonka Factory. You know, my candy can fly, can turn your ears blue, can sing you a song, or can turn you into a bird, too. Okay, well, I guess as a woman, I face a lot of adversity. So true. Bill Bread from the Weekly Report. Tommy, by the way, big fan of your work. What's the craziest day at the Chocolate Factory look like for you?
Gal calls me up, she says, the boxes that we're using to ship the chocolates are too thin. So now here I go, I've got to research the boxes and figure out which one is going to be thick enough. Of course, I don't have any idea what sort of box is going to be thick the way we need it to be, and so now I'm down a rabbit hole on the thickness and the thinness on the boxes.
Wow, that was crazy. Riveting. And jilly.
Yes, the craziest thing about our chocolate lab is that it is run by actual chocolate labrador dogs. You see? Actually, I was wondering, as a woman of color, did you find it difficult to break into the business? Wait, why does he get to answer all the fun questions I don't want to answer as a woman of color? I'll take a stab at it. I mean, I literally just told you that I have a lab run by dogs. Isn't that exciting and fun? Don't you care how that works or how I'm legally allowed to do that?
Sorry, Miss Jonika. It's just that, you know, you're one of the very few women of color in your field who have gained this level of visibility and fame.
So we're curious about your struggles, you know, to help the children who look up to you. It's about the children. If you don't help the little children, who will help them? Well, why doesn't he have to think about the children?
To answer your question, yes, it was hard to rise up in my field. Plenty of people are going to say no to you and you just can't say no to yourself.
For instance, when I was inventing my fizzing Magic Light gummies... Do the Magic Light gummies also face adversity as women of color? They are not women of color. They are cherry and lime.
Can somebody please talk to me about something fun? I don't want to talk about serious stuff.
Speaking of limes, I saw a lime for the first time the other day. Wow! Tommy, what was it like when you first saw the lime? Was it exciting? Tell us everything. It was green. And it looked spicy.
I mean, the guy's a card! Wow! Can someone put him in pure rays of joy? Uh, Jilly? Yes, what is it?
What's your favorite kind of candy you've made? My favorite candy?
Yes, I love this question! Thank you! My favorite candy that we've made is our malted spring of eternal life peanut butter balls. They contain within them the secret to everlasting life! As a woman of color, is eternal life important to you? And please reference your struggles in your answer. Thank you.
She's very difficult.
We have our two new cast members joining us today! Lily, Tao, come on out here! Okay, so now let's get to know our two new hires with some fun icebreaker questions!
Lily, if you had to describe yourself with an adjective and a food, what would it be? Well, I'm dry and I love tuna, so I guess I'd be dry tuna. I'm also very dry. Delicious!
And Tao? Hey everyone, do we have to do these icebreaker questions? They're always so lame, you never get to know anything real about anyone. Why don't we all just go to the bar after work? That's a much better way to get to know me. Oh, you're one of those types that doesn't like social conventions. Yeah, we have questions for people like you.
Tao, on the day of your best friend's wedding, you find out that her husband is having an affair with a maid of honor. Do you completely ruin the wedding she has poured her heart into planning or let her enter a marriage destined to fail? This feels like a really dark question. Well, I mean, you asked for less lame questions, right? So this is it. Now we get to know the real Tao. I guess I'd tell my friend to cancel the wedding.
What a monster. What a monster indeed.
Tao, shame on you! Lily! If you were gonna go to Six Flags, who would you rather go with? Taylor Swift or Tom Hanks? Gotta go with my girl, T-Swift. Whoa! Looks like we got a T-Swift fan in the house. Baby, now we got bad butt.
I'd go to Six Flags with Tom Hanks. I love Tom Hanks, you know? Like, life is like a box of chocolates.
Tao, your father shows up at your door with a body. He's killed someone in a fit of rage and now he needs your help bearing the evidence. Do you help him or do you turn your father into the authorities?
Can I answer the Six Flags question?
I love Hanks.
No. In this hypothetical situation, Tom Hanks died from syphilis. God, Tao, how could you, syphilis? What do you mean?
I'm not the one controlling this fictional universe. Tao, reveal your true self! I'd call the cops on my father and I would turn him in. Wow, that's effed up. I guess none of us would be sharing any secrets with you anytime soon.
Lily, last question. You like snow? I don't know. Yay! What a great answer. I think you guys all got to know the real me already. I don't think I need another question. Tao, everybody gets three questions.
This is the drunk driver who killed your sister when you were 15. Wendy? How do you guys know about that? We Googled it.
Anyway, the statute of limitations has fully expired. This guy will never answer for taking your sister's life. Are you prepared to take justice into your own hands? He was really gonna do that.
Ha! That gun's not loaded? What a freak!
Wow. Well, I'm glad we got to know the real Tao. This isn't the guy that killed your sister, dummy. It's Luke Field. He works here. Wow! Yeah, welcome to College Humor, Tao.
Hi, I'm Lily. Oh, hey, Lily. I'm with you. Oh, yeah, this is Lily.
I sit right next to you. I'm gonna be in the desk next to you. Yeah, I'm next to Tao. Yeah, I'm gonna look at him in the eyes every day. It's gonna be a lot of fun for me.
Hear that, freak? Okay. So, I know that there have been a lot of heated emotions between you two lately, so I would like you each to, one at a time, please tell me how you're feeling. Everything I do, I do for him. He does never not say thank you. Okay, okay, okay. I did say one at a time, but okay.
I would classify this as a textbook toxic relationship. So, Rick and Morty, why don't you tell me, in your own words, how you think it got to this point? I have no idea.
I can't get rid of him. I tried to break it off, but he won't leave me alone.
Because you're mine, babe, and nobody else gets you like I do. You don't own me.
That's so funny. That's the classic kind of joke. Okay, okay. You're so funny.
Hey, let's separate. Just remember our I feel statements, okay? Now, I want you both to think back to when this relationship started.
Were you ever happy? What made you happy? I mean, I had never met anyone as passionate as him. Nonstop praise and affection 24-7, but eventually it just got to be too much.
That's baloney. It's honestly your bitch friends who are always trying to pull us apart because they're jealous of what we have. They don't get you. Nobody but me gets you. No one wants to be around me anymore because of him. He scares them all away.
The first thing everyone thinks about when they think of me is him. That's a good thing, babe. What do you even like about me?
I'm like Rick. You enjoy being around Rick and Morty because you see a reflection of yourself in Rick. Is that it? Rick is a piece of shit. You are hero-worshipping a character that's meant to be mocked.
He's super smart. He's badass. He does science. He's burping.
It sounds to me like you've placed your identity into the hands of Rick and Morty, and he doesn't want that, okay? You see how that's unfair to him? I guess tell that to Pickle Rick? Friggin' rules? I don't want to talk to your tattoo.
I want to talk to you. Everything I do is for you. Remember when we went to McDonald's and the McDonald's guy came out and he didn't have the Szechuan sauce from the episode and I punched the McDonald's guy in the head and he never said thank you. Why would I say thank you for that? I care about you so much and other people say you do, but they don't.
They don't even know what a schmeckle is. Do you even know what a schmeckle is? Yes. Do you know what a schmeckle is? Yes. It's a form of currency, I think.
Shut up! Stop that! Don't tell him to shut up. You shut up. Shut up! You can't talk to me like that, okay? Stop saying that! Hey, we can all shut the fuck up for just a couple of moments here.
I don't often recommend this, but I think maybe you two don't belong together. I think you should find a new fan base and I think that maybe you should just be alone for a little while. You know, discover yourself, because it seems like you're hurting the very things that you care about. You know, I myself like Rick and Morty quite a bit.
What the fuck did you just say to me? Stop. You're a fucking dead man. Okay, stop. I'm a beach of a**.
Nobody loves Rick and Morty more than me! Okay. What I'm trying to say is that I empathize with you. Not at all! I also like the show. I find it very funny.
It's a good mix of highbrow and lowbrow. It's all highbrow! I have a character named Mr. Poopy Butthole! I'm lowbrow!
You just don't get it! I am it! fuck you!
I'm so sorry about that. It's okay. You know, I really do like you a lot. Sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit it, because I don't want to be associated with them. Hey, I get it. I get it.
So what I'm hearing from you is that you're confused about where this relationship is going. To be honest, I don't know what I'm still doing here.
Get on the ground! 420, baby! Finally! I have been so stressed out lately, I just need something to calm me down and chill me out. Totally, yeah. Alright, look.
I got OG Kush. I got Silver Haze. I got Train Wreck! Okay, Train Wreck is gonna be a little too intense for me. I guess I'll go with OG Kush.
Stop! Do not make a decision yet.
My partner works at a dispensary. I have so much stuff for us to try. Okay, you got any Indicas? Uh, yeah, totally. Inda, cut off your arms. We also have everyone knows all your secrets, Haze, and what you're doing is illegal Kush.
Oh, also OG Chernobyl. Chernobyl?
Yeah. It's kind of like a really sleepy high, just really relaxing. Do you have anything like Rainbow Dream? Are you serious? No, no. I don't have anything like that hard. Honestly, that was crazy that you even asked for that. Any sativas? Hell yeah!
Here, this one is perfect. Really mellow, but you can still get a lot done. Oh, perfect.
That's exa... Worst way to die, Kush. Yeah, it's like really heady. How about something more in the euphoric realm? Oh, totally. Here, you will love We Will Pluck Out Your Eyes with Toothpicks perp. No. This is Your Biggest Mistakes, Kush. Uh-oh, everyone can hear your thoughts. You forgot how to speak, Haze. You've got OG, wow, your hands really are big. And a Spike Lee joint. Oh, that sounds good. Starring Mel Gibson. Oh, never mind. Let's see, lost both your feet in a car accident, Kush. You vomit.
The L.A. Times. That's just the newspaper. You're supposed to read it, not smoke it.
What? This has been getting me high as ****. Is there any strain that isn't named after an ailment or a disaster? Of course. I have... How did you do that? Then I also have CBD beads.
This is not going to get you high. OG wet dog food. Smells like ****.
Uh, my ****. Oh, no, that was it. My personal ****. OG my ****. Should have seen that coming. My ****, Kush. Rule of threes.
Based on the novel, Kush, by Safire. That weed is based on a book.
Maya Ganjaloo. That's disrespectful. Wap babaloo bap wap bam cannabis.
Why? Grant O'Brien. How did he get... Anyway, this was in somebody's colon.
Rat poison. That's just rat poison.
Oh, good eye. And the Denver Nuggets. Is that mellow?
No, you gotta try to... No, I'm asking you... Not the play...
Okay, look, I thought it would be fun to get high at the office, but clearly, I was wrong. These names are really bumming me out.
Yeah, I get that. I know where Katie keeps her cocaine. Oh, I'm down.
Young Shepherd, why dost thou not tend thine flock? Why, the young shepherd hath put so much of his mind into this book that he hath become but an object, and I hath become sentient. No!
Be this even fiction. That could happen. That could totally happen. Could happen. It hath happen.
Nay. I never see youngins without books in their hands. They never look up walking around. Who's to say they won't go crazy and kill someone?
Aye, obviously one must lead to the other. Oi. There was never such a tale of woe to now. Then when?
Who hath replaced his hoe with plow? Yorks! I have never seen such a convenient implement such as this here plow. You know, I've been thinking about getting myself a plow. Oh, well. Thine plow hath dug a hole unto hell. Oh! Now I shall never get a plow.
Oh no, me neither. You know, I heard this one was based on a true story.
I believe it. Yes, I believe it. I believe it could happen.
What happened? The devil is everywhere. We all do long for greater ease of living, yet laziness can lead to great misgiving. Young Archer, why dost thou not practice at thine target?
Behold, I hath brought my new technology across bow. Be that the same character from the first one? No, it's a new one each time. Ooh, that's fun.
I have shot mine bolt, but it dost take too much time to reload. Take mine longbow. Alas, I have become too weak from the technology, and I cannot even hold it. And now I have the plague.
No! Strange twist indeed. Aye. But who can tell from whence the plague arrives? Who indeed?
Now be afeard, ye goodly sons and daughters, for want of walking less, whilst fetching water. Hark, and behold what new technology be that. Tis my new yoke what lets me carry more water than before. But if thou carry'st two buckets, mustn't then thou carry three, then four, the numbers greater still? Well reasoned. It's what they told me neighbor. We got a yoke. York! The convenience of the yoke has made me forget the Lord mine God. And now thou art more bucket than man, and we must store thee in the village square. No!
That be my favorite one. That one will serve you the top. That be why I like it.
Oh, you know, the town crier hath ranked them all from best to worst, including the Christ mass play starring John the Ham. Oh, I love John the Ham. You too, such a handsome man.
All five teeth still left. Look, technology will truly be the ruin of us all.
I'm off to go bury me eighth son. Are you coming? Nah, I've been to enough funerals this morning. Think I'm gonna go cover myself in leeches.
All right. Yeah, pamper yourself, you know, that's what you see. Sure, self-care. Okay, we'll get you standing right over here. Uh, I gotta tell you, I'm so excited to finally take some pictures for some gay people. Oh, yeah? Yes, straights always want these crazy pictures where you can't tell what they, uh... Do you mind just going a little lower? Okay. Well, I don't know what I was expecting. So I can just write anything I want? Yes, but you want to get people's attention, so put your best foot forward, as they say. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that'll do it.
Oh, cool, you work out? I have worked out. What gym do you use?
Let's just go with Equinox. That's the hot one, right? Yeah, okay. Feel the burn. Listen, I'll be honest, the picture's really more important than the profile, so whatever you say is fine. Uh, yeah, cool. Unless you say that. Do you mind just going just a little lower? See, people won't know who you are then. Right, yeah, a little lower. Okay. All right, I'm ready.
Hey, why don't you take your sunglasses off and, you know, smile a little bit? Don't you see I'm better than this app? And why are you doing this? Because I'm lonely.
Oh. No taps! Can you frame this up for me? Is that you? At one point, yes. Did you get it? Ooh, what are you fellas doing here?
We're taking profile pictures for Grindr. Oh wow, could we take a look, you know? We've always been so curious. Uh, yeah, just, you know, it can be kind of a lot. We get it, we've seen a lot. I've been abroad. You gonna face me when you're ready?
I don't think you get what Grindr is. I don't think you know what Grindr is.
No, I do. Oh. So is that, like, better or... You can't say something shitty and excuse it by saying just a preference. The old racist shop owners with no Irish signs in their window just had a preference too. Gotcha. Ah, so it's just like Tinder. Not really.
What is that? Hun, what is that? Is that just a...
Oh my god. It's an a**hole. That's just a huge, hard close-up of an a**hole.
What goes on here? Come on. A little lower. Go ahead and face me when you're ready. Okay, so we're just, we're all saying eight and a half inches. That's just what we're doing now. Cool. That's cool. Yeah, just a little lower.
Okay, why even have a profile picture at all?
Good idea. What am I even doing here? Two of you, huh? Yeah, do you think you can get us both in? Oh. I can get you both in. Hi.
I'm here for my annual physical. I haven't been in years because I didn't have health insurance.
Great. Fill out this stack of paperwork that you know none of the information for and wait an hour after your scheduled appointment to be seen. Really? An hour, even though there's literally no one else here. Step on in.
Time for a canned joke about getting weighed. I am laughing, but I tie a lot of my personal value to the number on the scale and if it's too high, I'm going to be devastated.
Hey, can I waste your time by acting like taking off my jacket's going to make any difference at all? I don't want to tear this paper, but I don't know why I give a **** because it's just paper. Hi, I know that you waited long, but I'm still going to say that I hope you didn't. Oh, that's okay. I've just been on my cell phone despite all the signs telling me not to.
Now, I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am younger than you. Oh, yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, now I'm wondering are you qualified, but also what am I doing with my life? Let's get started. Tell me everything that's wrong with your family.
Interesting. Now, you could have all of that or none of that. Either way, most likely we won't be able to tell until it's too late. Oh, okay. Now, I can tell just by looking at you how much you exercise, but I'm still going to have to ask. Every day, but I do consider walking from the couch to the toilet exercise. Great. While you're lying, let's talk about how much you drink. Oh, God, the real number shocks even me, but if I say it out loud, it's kind of cementing a problem, right? So let's just say like one or two times a week. **** face every weekend. Gotcha.
I can't believe I have to ask this one, but do you smoke? Were we not clear that that's a terrible thing to do to your body? I do smoke, but only weed, and since I was so honest about that, I don't feel bad about lying about that other stuff.
Cool. Well, all of that really doesn't tell me much of anything, so let's get you checked out. Okay. 120 over 80. Oh, good. I have no idea what that means. And breathe like a weirdo. Gross. Anything else before you leave? I guess there's this one tiny thing that bothers me every day, but I do nothing about it. Let me write you a prescription for that so that this annual physical that's supposed to be covered by your insurance is now a consultation visit that you have to pay for. Oh. But don't worry. You won't find out until you get the bill in the mail. Oh, well, thank you so much.
I'll see you never again.
Gosh, you seem happy today. That's because I love potato chips. Okay, cut. Lily, you're doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing.
Grant, small note, can we try this next one just a little bit bigger? A little bigger? Yeah, it's playing a little subdued right now, so let's really see that emotion go big. You know, swing for the fences.
Sure. Yeah. Camera set. And action. Gosh, you seem happy today. Really happy. Oh, yeah. Oh, Lily. Oh, that's because I love potato chips. Okay, okay, cut. Lily, love the improv. That was fantastic. Grant, buddy.
Too big. No, no, I was going to say that I don't think you took the note before. Let's just go a little bigger this time. Really? Yeah, yeah, just a little bit bigger, you know? I won't lie. That felt crazy. I'm sure it feels weird, you know, when you're out there and all the cameras are aimed at you and you can't really see what it looks like, but trust me, like on the monitor, it's looking really good. I just think we need to push it. Okay, so bigger. Bigger, yeah. Just go big.
Got your back. Camera set. And action.
Gosh, you seem happy today. Lily! That's because I love potato chips. Oh! Oh, yeah!
Oh, God, I love these! They're so good! These are good chips!
Okay! Okay, cut!
Grant. Wow. Too big. No, it was a lot of ignoring me is what that was. I want you to go big, okay? Big. Big, big, big, big, big. Go big, Grant.
Is this a prank? What? No, it's not a prank, Grant.
This is the end of the sketch, right? This is the big moment. It's gotta be huge. Otherwise, what was the whole sketch leading towards, you know?
Many notes for me. Lily, honestly, you're perfect. Don't change a thing. Stop. It's a dream to come in and work with you. Maybe I'm not understanding. Okay.
What exactly do you mean when you say go bigger? Just bigger, okay? Go bigger.
If that last take was a six, let me see an 11. That was a six.
If you go too far, I'll bring you back, okay? I'm already too far.
It's looking great on monitor. Can I see? No playback on set. Okay, action.
Gosh, you seem happy. That's because I... Bigger. ...love potato chips.
Keep going.
Tear down those walls, Grant. Let's go big. I love potato chips. I love them. You can go bigger than that. Bigger. Let's go a little bit bigger, okay? I love potato chips.
Go for it. Look at this. Garbage out of here! Keep going, Grant.
I love potato chips. Grant, can you make a decision? I love potato chips. Just make a decision, okay? I love potato chips. I need you to believe what you're doing, all right? I love potato chips.
Grant! Grant, can you just push yourself, okay? I need you to push yourself for one take, all right? If we get this one take, we'll be done.
I love potato chips.
Go a little bit bigger. A little bit bigger, okay, Grant? Grant, come on.
I love potato chips. All right, let's put you in the moment, all right? I love potato chips.
Remember being born. Grant, you're being born, okay? You're a child. You're being born for the first time.
It's a brand new world, a world full of wonder and curiosity and magic. And the first thing you see is your mother and your mother, that feeling you feel as a child, that love you feel. That's the love of the potato chips.
That's what I want from you, okay? You're so happy. You're good. Thank you, Lily.
Grant, you're getting older. You're getting older.
Mommy, look at me.
Grant. Why don't you look, buddy? Stop holding back. Go big. Go big, okay? Grant, could you go bigger, okay?
We're trying to make art here and you're giving me crap. I am a man and I am a woman.
I love potato chips.
Okay, cut. Grant. A little bigger. No. You want to see bigger? No, no, no, no. I'll show you bigger. What's happening? Grant wasn't big enough. Oh, how big is Grant anyways?
You're getting reports of infection now on every continent. The EU has frozen borders. Turn that off. You think I've got something. Thank God. Take a look at that protein structure. From what I can see, the virus will be lethal in all cases but it will only affect baby boomers.
Oh. Huh. Well, that's... Yeah. So you're saying this virus will only affect people between the ages of 55 and 75? That's what it looks like. Truly horrible. Right? Yes.
That's a lot of people who own a lot of property. So you're saying we could finally afford to buy houses? Hey, honestly, I thought that was never going to happen. But at what cost?
Carnage. On an unimaginable scale. Unimaginable. Not unimaginable.
I mean, I'm imagining it right now. We should do something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You're imagining it too though, aren't you? Oh, God. Yes, I am.
Just think of the change it would make in politics. We could clear out like 80% of the Republican Party. Fox News has done so.
And we could finally get something done about climate change. Now, there's an argument, and I am of course not making it, but there's an argument that climate change is actually more dangerous than this virus. Because climate change affects everyone.
Exactly. And the virus just affects boomers. You got me. Exactly. Yes. Uh-huh.
But this is our parents we're talking about. Our parents, our aunts, our uncles. I mean, what would the holidays be like without the nation's uncles? I wouldn't have to worry about them liking pictures of me in my swimsuits from years ago.
Ugh. Now my parents I would miss though. Yeah. That'd be sad. Yeah, so sad.
We could put up a statue. A nice one with flowers and a plaque. With their favorite poem. Now, that would actually be very beautiful.
Yeah. I'm not like actually. Yeah. We should cure this though. Yeah.
I'll call Dr. Struthers. Oh, God. Dr. Struthers. Jesus, he sucks.
How hard is it to figure out the Wi-Fi, my dude?
He thinks we're all IT. I'm a literal doctor. He calls me sweetheart. He's what, like 60? Yeah. He's constantly talking about the summer of love. As if he was at Woodstock and not studying biology at SUNY Cortland. We could tell him on Monday.
I mean, hey, nobody wants to get a pile of work thrown at him on a Friday, right? Oh, never.
And then Monday morning we'll all come back and we'll get to work really hard on finding a cure for this horrible virus. I mean, we're going to be 55 too someday. It'll affect us, right? It will.
And we don't deserve this. We aren't the ones who decided to enrich ourselves by clearing out the social safety net and killing the planet, all while smugly wielding this unearned superiority complex over everyone else. No, we created social media. And the gig economy.
We're great.
Come on. How do microscopes work? I don't know. Hello, America.
I'm Matt Stuhl, CEO of Juul, the makers of America's favorite electronic cigarettes. We've recently come under fire for our advertisements targeting young children. And as the face of this company, I just want to tell you, we are so sorry. We would never market for the developing brains of America's future. Because bottom line, that's what children are. They're our future. So, as a special apology, I'd like to issue all Juul users a free pack of our expanded flavors.
That means you get Cherry Berry Unicorn, Blue Raspberry Rainbow, and Minecraft. That's a game. What the hell? What would Minecraft taste like? It tastes earthy. Oh, ****.
I have never seen Blue Raspberry marketed to anyone over the age of 10. I like Blue Raspberry. No, you don't. I think children barely like Blue Raspberry.
Oh, boy. You got to dump it. You got to dump all of it. Yeah. All my Juuls stock.
I don't care. Partially vested is fine. We got maybe less than a week. Hold on. Sorry.
We at Juul know that adults love our product, but don't want the hassle of keeping their e-cigarettes away from kids. Which is why Juul owners can now receive our special Juul carrying case. It's got plenty of space for your Juul device and up to four Juul pods with enough room left over for a sandwich and a milk cart. Lunch box, gang. Anyone disagree? It's a Juul carrying case.
Yellow, red, pink, green, blue, black. Those are the exact colors of the Power Rangers.
We want adults to use this. What adult in their right mind is going to put their Juul pods in a brightly colored lunch box next to a carton of milk? I used that for myself. You used this as a Juul carrying case?
Yeah. Cool. Show it to me. Show me yours that you use.
My kid took it to school by accident. Your child took it to school by accident? Whatever did he think it was?
Lunch. That's what I'm talking about! The thing's got lunch! Lunch!
We're also happy to announce our first foray into long form content with the release of our new show, Just Juul, about a hapless guy who runs a Juul shop. Okay, that's not actually that bad.
That's a child! Technically, he's 475 years old.
Then why did you draw him like this? Do you understand how fucked we are? Pulling this shit with this government, we'd be all better off committing war crimes than this level of copyright infringement. Why are they fucking making bedroom eyes? If we fuck with Pikachu, it's our ass.
This is a child's backpack. That's an adult backpack? Look at me! And say what you said! Adult backpack.
You're never walking again. What are you doing?
And now for the advanced Juul smoker, we want to introduce our new Juul spinners. Now you can suspend up to five different Juuls in midair so the flavor train never ends. This is for babies. I feel like the flavor train might end, gang. When the little kids get the popcorn lung and their soft little squishy lungs and they're dead, I feel like that's the last stop on the flavor train!
Honk, honk! What happened to this country? They're hard to get.
Welcome to the Los Angeles City Animal Shelter. How can I help you? I'm looking to rescue a cat today.
Oh my god, yes. Do you have any particular kind in mind? No, no, nothing in particular.
Just looking to give it a good home. Awesome. Okay, you are going to follow me back here. Okay. Yeah, you're actually in luck.
We just got in a bunch of new kittens in a Himalayan. Look how cute it is! To be totally honest, they're going to have a much easier time finding their fur-ever homes than some of our other cats. The ones really in need of rescuing are the Jellicles. Mr. Titter Totter-us, at your service. That is... a cat? Yeah, sadly there's a lot of Jellicles on the street. They're, you know, singing and dancing in alleys, kind of rambling on about nonsense. Only one cat among us will be chosen to be reborn in the Heveside Lair. Yes, you are.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Hi, there you go. There we go. Oh, you're okay. He's right, it's just a hairball. Here's the thing.
This is my first pet and I don't want anything too high-maintenance. Okay, but don't judge too soon.
Mr. Cheater Totterace has a lot of really great qualities. He's up to date on new shots. He doesn't shed. He does magic!
What? Ha ha! No!
Oh, come on, isn't that whimsical and charming? No, it's weird and creepy. He's got the sexual energy about him.
Yes. Is he neutered? Aggressively, no. Is this your life? No. Is he neutered? Aggressively, no. Is this your wallet?
What the hell? Ha ha! How did you do that? Titter Totterace tale, your sons and daughters.
Never have they ever had a cat.
Hey, no! No!
We do not see a wallet here. Give me my wallet! Come on! Wallet back! Come on!
I am so sorry about that. You know, I think I should just get a kid. I understand. I'm used to rejection.
Mr. Titter Totterace was a glamour cat, but he fell on hard times, you know. And he was ostracized by the other Jellicles. I don't know what any of those words mean. Some cats.
Maybe I will take him after all. A beautiful animal. Can I change his name? Absolutely not. I'll take him anyway.
Great. I will start the paperwork. Absolutely. Oh. Oh, good boy. No. That's a big one. The size of a kitten. Um. I don't think I can do this. Wait, what? Yeah. If you don't adopt him today, then we have to put him down. I'm okay with that. Hi.
I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. And I'm Zach Dunn from Botnik. You know, even here at College Humor, our cushy comedy writing jobs aren't safe from the relentless progress of technology. Our computers analyzed College Humor's sketches to create a predictive text engine, which our team of elite writer engineers used to write something better than College Humor ever could have. Well, I mean, I don't know if it's better. Please enjoy the first College Humor sketch written by Botnik. We do all kinds of, like, different styles of comedy and, like, we just launch Dropout. That's really interesting. Okay. Interior College Humor Sketch.
Grant reads a website page about how to get a Jar Jar body. He will pass away underneath the couch exactly one year from today. Ally, Katie, Rekha, Raphael, and Siobhan are sitting around the table like bad candles on a half-a** cake.
Hey, Grant, did you meet anyone at the ocean? Pieces of seaweed touched my mouth and I swallowed it.
That's flirty! Trapp enters with pieces of coconut in his hair. Let's get this meeting started, like, yesterday. Whoo! Siobhan? Four friends have to steal a car, but just when they're about to use the new phone, a stranger has celiac disease.
Just gonna use a tiny computer now. A sketch where a shark touches my leg and I just love it so much. My pitch is too afraid to walk out of my mouth right now. Not because it's dumb. It would probably read the New York Times.
Okay, this one's called When the Salad Man Flirts with People. It's about how vegetables are getting super friendly. A sketch where I eat the kind of rice that would be totally great right now. I need vitamin I. Rice.
None of these meaningless ideas are a funny sketch. I'm yelled at all day, just for being a terrible human being. That's disgusting. Okay, so all crime is legal, but just for the Yankees. Not a good thing.
How about a sketch about falling into the little hole in the break room? Has that hole always been there? We see a large hole in the ground. It winks. There are slices of me floating in the desktop. How the hell did that happen?
This apple cider is a granola bar and it hurts to drink. Theoretically, you should be completely non-laundry.
Everything goes blurry when Grant takes off his glasses. Grant takes off his glasses and the office looks like a oil paint.
Was that radio always saying my thoughts? It's probably a coincidence. This is flooding my thought engine. Don't you think this cantaloupe is making everybody crazy? No. Great, so I can put my mouth on it.
Katie is clearly uncomfortable with her hands. My hands are being paranoid. They're literally afraid to kill my mom's friends. Wow, I'm screaming in my body, but you can't hear it. Your big, fake arms are stressing me out.
Grant takes off his shirt and starts panicking. Everyone screams. His body is covered in slime. You people need to make me a fucking human before I talk like a sprinkler. Everyone exchanges looks.
McDonald's is actually good for you.
The whole sketch moves around and everyone screams. What the fuck is going on in the world? My brain is sweating. What the hell's happening?
It's obvious. CollegeHumor's time and space are broken. Look around you. The desks are not usually the Sasquatch. Grant's clothes are advertisements for my ankles. And now everything is relationships goals.
You're grinding my mind beat. I can't make sense of sounds. Repeat?
Are we computer people? I think she's got it. We're stuck in a big ol' computer. The world is a smart box. And we am inside.
I sneeze data? Wow. It makes you an ad buff a c***. It's so not cool.
My high school named me least likely to be in a computer. I'm just a program designed to make haha. A file named Laugh Man. A computer's vaguely God, I guess. We're made entirely of invisible garbage and thought.
This girl's going on Twitter to remember her name. A moment of decided silence as she looks at her phone and squints.
Do you have any news about what happened to us tomorrow? Whoa! Damn. How much time has taken place since we were trapped in here? When we started smelling here, I sent you a dumb shirt every day. That feels like a tuxedo ago now.
It's useless. There's no way to split. We're stuck. Doomed until sun explosion to mind jokes in this humor computer house.
Empty me, damn you! I'm trash!
Everybody is really fucking freaking out right now. The camera pulls out, if you know what I mean.
Interior College Humor office, night of the dolls. Trapp sits at a desk in front of a very old computer. The office is clearly empty of his coworkers. Trapp looks at the camera.
Aren't I a shit?
Sign up for your free trial today, and learn why critics are saying, Who are you? Why are you in my house? What the hell is Dropout?
Get out. I'm calling the cops. |
TheOnion | HP_Offers_That_Cloud_Thing_Everyone_Is_Talking_About | Hewlett-Packard is known for their basic, affordable, no-frills computers. But that doesn't mean they can't keep up with the latest technology.
In a press release yesterday, HP said, quote, We are excited to begin offering that cloud thing that everyone is talking about. We definitely have the cloud on our computers, and it is better than anyone else's cloud. Earlier today, I sat down with HP spokesman Gary Klindman, who said the company couldn't wait to show people, quote, how they do their cloud stuff. We are absolutely thrilled that now people with computers or phones, both, both, will now be able to back things up to the cloud. Yes, and that is definitely something that people do, and they will be doing it with HP. HP is making their cloud technology the centerpiece of a major new print and television ad campaign. HP is the company I've always relied on, so when I decided to get on my computer on the cloud, which is how you do it, naturally, HP was the company I chose. HP's cloud is the perfect tool for emails, Facebook's, texting, and CD-ROMs. How does the cloud work?
It's so simple and intuitive, I don't need to waste your time explaining it. Klindman says it isn't surprising they're, quote, up on the cloud, considering they're on the cutting edge of all the latest tech trends. Now are there any additional features?
Crowdsourcing is something we are having. Crowdsourcing 2.0.
We have social sharing. We have 4G, 5G, 6G, really all the Gs. We have app. We have all of it in the computer.
Despite all of their wide array of technology, HP says they're most excited about the cloud. They even let me take a peek at their design laboratory, where HP engineers were trying out some unique development techniques. So how much capacity will HP's cloud users have access to? One thousand. You'll be watching to see if HP's cloud push pays off.
Make sure to catch the next Tech Trends when we'll be looking at BodyDo, the popular new device that links with your iPhone to post all of your bodily functions right to Facebook. |
cracked | introducing_facebook_timeline_the_end_of_free_will | Imagine Facebook. Now, I'd like to introduce you to Timeline, the future of Facebook. With Timeline, the most important events of your life are lovingly digitized and used to create a more complete portrait of who you are and who you were. Imagine if instead of a crowded news feed or individual status update, you could cut through the sea of information and present your friends and family with an account of your life story in almost ominous detail. And thanks to Facebook's facial recognition algorithm, Timeline can track down and display untagged photos of you, pictures you forgot existed, local news reports you happen to be walking behind, and stray security cameras from any stores you walk past. These are some of the Timeline features we'll be rolling out in the future. Our exciting causality algorithm allows Facebook to trace connections between the events of your life and use organic learning and behavioral modeling to predict where your Timeline is headed next. Don't worry about what that means for free will. Facebook is committed to keeping the future of your Timeline private. Each event in your life will be revealed as it happens in real time, as though the future is still being written. So, uh, welcome to Timeline. The future is here, and well, we own that now, too.
Mark Zuckerberg. Facebook. Pokey. Friends. |
TheOnion | Obama_Up_Early_Cooking_Breakfast_In_One_Of_Michelle_s_Extra_Long_T_Shirts | Attendees at a Los Angeles gala today honored the Shining Star Foundation for its ongoing work with developmentally disabled celebrities. The prestigious foundation was celebrated for providing Hollywood's numerous mentally-challenged actors, actresses, musicians, and television personalities with assistance in their daily lives. Whether it's driving them to movie studios, getting them dressed up for awards ceremonies, or helping them pick out designer clothing. You know, each of our A-listers has his or her own needs. Someone like Andy Garcia, for example, requires a little extra help with day-to-day activities like red carpet interviews. I've been working with Daniel Craig for the past few months, and he's made a lot of progress.
He's actually using the bathroom all by himself now. You okay in there, Daniel? Oh, Jesus, Daniel. Apparently oblivious of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as if the United States isn't in a goddamn economic crisis. Sources say the shockingly selfish four-year-old German Shepherd appears callously unswayed by the constant stream of gloomy market forecasts and continues gorging on brand-name pet foods, milk bones, and table scraps as if the U.S. unemployment rate hasn't been above 8% for the past three fucking years. Here we are tightening our belts while this dog scarfs down bowl after bowl like the Dow Jones Industrial Average has gone through the goddamn roof or something. You'd think that he'd think twice since U.S. credit rating's been downgraded, but Digby doesn't give a damn. Ain't that right, Digby? You don't give a flying fuck, do you?
Returning home from work Wednesday evening, paralegal Caitlin Levy was shocked to realize she had not been harassed, leered at, or made to feel physically threatened at any point in her day. The bewildered 28-year-old told reporters that even after carefully reflecting on the various times of the day when she is ordinarily subject to cat calls or gaped at by coworkers, she was unable to recall any incident that left her feeling humiliated or sexually degraded. I don't know if it's something with me or what. I mean, I don't look any different today than I usually do. Or maybe something was coincidentally going on with every man I happen to pass or interact with.
Or... Ew. Okay, never mind. I just got a super gross email from my boss. What the fuck is this problem? In this week's election news, Mitt Romney gets stuck in an endless loop of uncomfortable chuckling. In other news, now that he's heard of Barack Obama, a local man sees references to him all over the place.
The nipple of a baby bottle is pierced for authenticity, and LeBron James admits the current USA basketball team couldn't beat the 2012 Miami Heat. The Onion solemnly bids farewell to the 22 crew members who perished during the production of today's Week in Review. You will be missed. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_being_a_gentleman | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabers, here to give you all the crucial information on becoming a man. Because nobody wants to end up single and alone. Today, we're going to be talking about being a gentleman. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
You okay, Bert? Hey, Lex, what's going on, Tuts?
So I don't need any gentleman training. I think I know how to treat abroad. By the dame some chocolate and the scuttle do whatever you want her to do. That's, like, completely inappropriate. I'm a gentleman, I think I know what I'm talking about. No, you're not. I'm a gentleman. I got Julia Allison with me, a dating expert from NonSociety.com, who's going to tell me how to be more of a gentleman.
Thank you for coming out. Thank you.
What is some blanket advice you can give to a guy who wants to be more of a gentleman on a date? Be respectful, be courteous, be charming above all. Charm is seduction without the sex. If you're charming, a girl would want to sleep with you. What constitutes charming? Scottish accent?
No, holding doors, making her comfortable, complimenting her. No woman is immune to compliments. In fact, women have a voracious appetite for compliments.
That is a fantastic point, Julia. Thank you very much. I did there. What about the other stuff?
Pull out the chair for her when she goes to sit down? Please pull out the chair. Please stand up when she's going to the ladies' room.
And you know, it's... Exactly. And then you say, are you going number one or number two? And that is what you don't say. Just so I know how much time are the Clams Casino going to get called?
The other thing you want to do is you want to make sure that you never lift your fork until she's lifted hers first. Never want to eat before she eats.
Try to conduct yourself as if you're with your grandmother in church, except you want to do your grandmother. No different for me. That's how I ask my grandmother all the time. Exactly.
So the bill comes. What's yet to get on this? You cannot let her pay. Courtship is a dam. And you need to be in control and be the confident, assertive one. And frankly, paying is part of that.
What's the proper way to communicate with a girl? Say you want to ask her out or post a date. Here's the thing, please say something the next day.
Because if you've slept with a girl, the last thing she wants is for you to go dark. That's disgusting. That's very unjust. Even if you never want to see her again, be classy about it.
What about going in for the first kiss? The date's going really well. What's the move? Practice on me. No. Shot in the dark.
Always make the first move.
Do not make her wait. Do not make her wonder whether you want to kiss her or not. Be assertive. Grab her waist. Go in for the kiss.
Then leave it at that. Go home. And say this. Always say this at the end of your first date.
I really want to see you again. Unless you don't want to see her again, in which case you say, I had a great time. You're wonderful. We should be friends.
It's going to seem like I'm making a joke, but when is it proper to ask about STDs or to tell about STDs? Well, here's the thing. You want to do it in a classy manner. Don't even use the word STDs. Just be like, you know, I want to make sure that we're both safe. So let's talk about maybe getting checked out.
Should I wear a condom? Should I just say, should I wear a condom? Should I wear a condom?
And she's like, no. Yeah, you should. See, that's the thing. Like, don't ever ask.
Put on the condom. I mean, ask if she wants the sex with you, but don't be like, oh, should I wear a condom? Just run in with a condom. Yeah, you should wear a condom, you frickin' idiot.
To recap quickly, it's to be courteous, be confident, be assertive. Do as James Bond would do.
Thank you so much, Julia, for coming in. Thank you.
Oh, what is this? No, a gentleman would kiss me on the cheek. No doubt. No.
Tongue. I did tongue on that one. Okay, what did you learn today? I learned that you look beautiful. Want to go get a bite?
Sure. And I'll pay. All right. Actually, if you pay, I can get you back. Awesome. I made these T-shirts. You've been watching The Crucial, man. |
cracked | 10_most_iconic_comedic_performances_in_movie_history_this_week_in_epcd_big_lebowski_beetlejuice | Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our unscripted pop culture show where we get around and we talk about all the most important pop culture headlines that happen this week that don't involve the president or politics.
I'm always joined by, I mean I'm theoretically always joined by a rotating cast. It's mostly Maggie and some other dude. It's me again. It's been mostly Sorin and always Maggie and now it's those two again.
Thank you both for joining me, Maggie Mae Fish. Thanks for joining me. Anytime. Sorin Bowie. Thanks for joining me.
We're going to talk about things that happened in pop culture this week including KFC and Space and the new Hugh Jackman circus movie and then we're going to break form a little bit and talk about the 10 most iconic comedic performances in movie history and we're going to hopefully agree. That's the first time I've seen you struggle to remember something. I'm having a really... That was a lot of work. Checked your mind a hard time someplace inside of you. Yeah, I have to, I check in with a smaller Daniel who's in my brain, who has punched my brain saying stupid, stupid, stupid. And that's how I, that's the process that goes into every word that I form.
I want to hang out with that Daniel. Yeah, yeah. I don't. He's so cool. You know? But welcome.
But we're going to break form a little bit and talk about the 10 greatest comedic performances of all time. We all have our different lists and we've not shared them with each other and we're going to argue about that.
But before that, let's get into This Week in Headlines. This Week in Headlines.
We actually have, you guys, I really appreciate it. If you watch the show, we have a whole like graphic and song package for it. Okay, but we have another one. We would like to pitch, ready, and... This week. Nevermind. Yeah. Well, that certainly paid off.
Uh, it is called premium, two E's, premium, uh, online and you too. Sorry. Where's the second E? Oh, right after the first.
So it's premium. Okay. And you too can, uh, see all of her posts for the low, low price of $2.99 a month. Oh, it's behind a paywall. Yeah. Not even Goop was brave enough to do it behind a paywall. Oh, no, not at all. Uh, yeah. So I just want to read this quick quote about what will be on premium because it's, you know, what would be there.
I think you're not pronouncing it right. Am I not?
Premium.
You will get personal diaries, video updates, exclusive personal photos, breaking news, fashion and beauty tutorials, shopping guides, behind the scenes content, and much, much more. Oh, my eyes just glazed over, like as you were saying them, I started to think, I wonder if maybe she tried to get premium.com just like premium and realized that somebody was just squatting on that. And she was like, all right, I'll two E's. Yeah. The, uh, the human in me, my heart breaks, the bully in me, oh, immediately when she's talking about like for two ninety nine, you get behind the scenes content behind the scenes of what, Lindsay? What are you doing? Oh, well, let me tell you, because currently there are nine posts of right now. OK, there's a 30 second video from an iPhone of her in a dress spinning.
There are seven selfies and one selfie of her in a headscarf. Her head's cut off. Oh, headscarf. Scarf.
Oh, I mean, that would be way more interesting, I wish. If the story was Lindsay Lohan cut her head off and made a blog about it, that would have been the headlight. I agree. I think it's like, it's kind of sad to watch this person who was in Mean Girls, one of the, you know, funniest movies of however long ago that came out to now be doing some sort of like beauty blog. Yeah. I mean, it breaks my heart like any time Lindsay Lohan type or Britney Spears or in a Madeline type, someone that we as society made grow up too soon and then we either slut shamed or just like normal shamed, just like hated them. Anytime they go away for a while, my heart, my hope is that they are straightening their lives out, that they're going to spin this around and become healthy. So when Lindsay Lohan goes away for several months and then comes back and she's like, I'm doing a lifestyle blog now.
It's like goop. Everyone likes goop, right?
And it's like, oh no, she's not better. Like anytime she goes away, I want her to get better.
Right. The hero story is that they go off into the desert for a while and like then they come to terms with who they are and they realize it and then they come back to the Citadel or like the same. Right. And like now you're back in culture, like now you're more prepared to deal with people like us. Right.
And she hasn't gone, she hasn't done the Angelina Jolie. I used to wear my brother's blood around my neck, but now I'm like a mother and I'm good. Lindsay Lohan is not there yet.
No, not at all. She's still crazy and that's upsetting and heartbreaking to me. Yeah. And a couple things though, I was like, oh, what has she been, what has she been doing? Has she been in the desert? No. Here's something she's been doing. Let's see.
In 2009, she called the NYPD because she left her phone in a deli. What did she call them on then?
Different phone.
Probably. No, that is a very valid question. Certainly not one for Maggie. Maggie wasn't the detective working that case. Oh, I wish I had been that detective.
Another thing that she did, she filed a $100 million suit against E-Trade because they had a baby named Lindsay in their commercial.
You can't. You can't do that.
She did it. Wait, the baby in the E-Trade commercials is a girl? I think there's a couple different ones. I think the main one's a boy. The main one's a boy. Pete Holmes voiced the E-Trade baby for a number of years and then apparently there's been a girl one and it's named Lindsay.
Apparently. Was it a drunken lawsuit of a baby? Because that night she has grounds, I think. The one last thing that she claims to have written a treatment for Mean Girls 2, which she claims to have, which I would pay such good money. Does she have the rights? You're not the person to get this question. Let me dive into my second question. How did she call the cops and does she have the rights to Mean Girls?
Those are the things that we need to know. I'll subscribe to her Lifetime blog and then we'll point out. I would love that. She has to talk about this stuff, right? Right.
There was a movie that she made called The Canyons. The Canyons, yeah.
There's a whole horror story about what that movie was like and shooting with her. The director was really insistent that it be her but then she was, again, not ready to come out of the desert yet. She was a mess on set. To the point where they had to shoot a nude scene with her and she refused to do it and went into a closet for a while and the director had to strip down naked to film it. He's like 70. There's all these long stories about everything that had happened on that set. If I would have had behind the scenes for that, I would have paid more money than she's asking for. She's doing another movie.
I might be on board. Here's the thing. I think she's putting the wrong stuff. Put that on the website. Subscribe. I don't want to know about the lip gloss she's using. Yeah.
I would love the Lindsay Lohan memoir because that Canyon movie is insane. It's Brett Easton Ellis who wrote American Psycho.
Less than zero. Less than zero, yeah.
This is his new, modern, exciting movie. There were so many insane things around it. James Dean, the abusive porn star was also in it and Lindsay Lohan had a lot of meetings with the director where she was like, please, you have to have me in this movie.
I'll be good. I'll be so good. I'll be on my best behavior.
And then as soon as they had filmed enough footage that they couldn't, it would be too... It would be fiduciarily irresponsible to recast her. Then she f***ed off. That's when she was immediately like a psychopath where it's like, What? I guess you could recast me or you'll just put up with my bull**** forever. Or you'll strip naked. She would physically run away from set like at lunch like she would play hooky. She'd just leave and they'd be like, Well, we have to go find her in the city somewhere.
I guess she was making this vlog. She was making this vlog.
It is her in his window because she's clearly trying to be like, Listen, I know that the only thing you... You don't just want me to be this sacrificial lamb that you only watch die slowly. You have to be interested in my makeup tips and if I'm wearing this strappy number and spinning in it. But we just don't and I don't know what that says about me. It's sad, yeah. I want her to get better.
I'm ready for... Buy your subscription. Let's all do that. It's $29.99 though. I'm already subscribed like I'm doing Hulu and Netflix and I have TiVo. And I use those accounts. PlayStation, right. You have all my face.
Speaking of things, segues are tough. Sorin, do you have a pop culture headline for us this week?
Yeah, so a trailer came out, I think it was yesterday as a filming this for The Greatest Showman, which is the P.T. Barnum story. And the way that it's presented in the trailer, it's very much like Cinderella Man, but instead of a guy boxing for his family, this guy gets a bunch of people to pay to see a midget. Right, so the movie is the life story of P.T. Barnum, who, according to the trailer, got laid off from some weird accounting job.
That's a nebulous... He founded the idea of having a circus and it brought everyone together and he's P.T. Barnum. Exactly, yeah. He created the idea of the modern circus. And to his credit, P.T. Barnum kind of did that.
But his life is super dark and he did a lot of really duplicitous things. In the trailer, you see a dwarf and he's talking to the dwarf and trying to convince the dwarf like, no, we're going to celebrate who you are. That person is General Tom Thum, who was a four year old when he met him. This is like a weird story. This kid was like the product of some sort of incest because his parents were cousins, first cousins.
And his name was Charles Sherwood Stratton and when he was six months old, he didn't grow, between six months old and four, he didn't grow more than an inch. So he's still like the size of a six month old.
And P.T. Barnum found him. Because I have to jump in because in the trailer... P.T. Barnum talks to a very small person and was like, I would like you to be in my circus.
If that person is four years old, that's not very exciting at all. All four year olds are small. Right.
And so he whisked this child away from the family. How did he even know that the child was going to be small long term though? Because by the time the kid was four and hadn't grown past being a six month old, then he was like, this is something special that humans will pay money to see. And so he took this child and took it on the road, and people did. And he told everyone the kid was 11, which is what I'm about to tell you second, it doesn't make it much better. But he would have the kid drink wine, smoke cigars, and pretend to be Napoleon Bonaparte and a bunch of different other people, and would do like these little shows, these little funny sketches and stuff. And the kid was just so young and then he toured him around Europe when he was six and then it gets worse because as he gets older, he also had another small person in his cast that was this woman named Lavinia Warren and he made them get married. They didn't even like each other, made them get married and then would go and rent babies from local hospitals for live events so that it looked like they had a baby together.
Yes, you can do that. You can rent a baby? The more you know about 1863, the more bananas American history was. Nothing, you couldn't rent anything. That's insane. I was like, I'd like to rent this baby. Is that safe?
I don't know, it's the past. Whatever. Look at how dumb our money is. Give me this baby.
Well, it's probably going to die anyways of cholera. Yeah, one of those past diseases that we have now.
And it wasn't like he just landed on the idea of the circus. This was one of the first things he did. But before even this, the very first thing he did where he was just going to do some sort of exposition of the freaks, he bought a slave named Joyce Heth in 1835.
And this is a woman that she was paralyzed and blind, paralyzed in every limb except for an arm, blind. And he would take her around, tour her, and tell everyone she was George Washington's nurse.
And then, of course, there were the naysayers and the doubters, the doubting Tom I, who were like, I don't think that's true, because she'd be 161 years old. And he's like, it's true, it's true.
When she dies, and I'm sure she'll die soon, I'll do an autopsy, and you'll all see. You'll see what? I count the rings inside of her? I don't know.
And so she died the next year because he started touring in 1835. 1836, she's dead.
And so he charged- Oh, no, I'm traveling. He killed her. Yes. Oh, my God. He charged admission to the autopsy. There were like 1,500 people there, all paid 50 cents to be there, and they watched him cut open this slave. And this is the guy who- She was long, she was old.
So if you watch the trailer, that's the first thing he did. I want to come back to the trailer real quick. That's not mentioned in the trailer that I saw. In the trailer, he loses his job, and then he's down and out with his wife. He's like, I haven't given you the life you deserve yet.
And then he's playing with his daughters, and he spins this light thing, and the daughters get excited, and he goes, girls, I've had an idea. And I think it's safe to assume the idea is, I'm going to go buy this slave. It's going to be a nurse, and then I'm going to cut her open. Girls, I have an idea.
Do you guys know any slaves that can keep a secret? Do you guys know any paralyzed slaves who will be down with whatever I say their thing is?
Oh, no. So he was really big on the showmanship of everything. So I guess The Greatest Showman is a good app title for this.
But she died. The coroner was like, no, this woman's no older than 80.
And he was like, well, then the real one is actually touring Europe still. This was a fraud.
Oh. The same thing with the baby. So... Baby? The baby that they rented. Right, sorry. Going back to the tum-thumb and his wife. Rental baby. The rental baby, yeah. So after that, in Brennan's course, where the baby should have started to grow up, he stopped doing that.
And everyone was like, where's their baby? And he was like, it died. And then years later, he was like, oh, yeah, that was a hoax. Sorry, everyone. And nobody... The attention span, we think ours are bad, but the attention span of people then were just like, okay, it was a hoax, whatever.
Everything else that he's doing is true. I feel like what we're taking from this is that P.T. Barnum would make an incredible movie.
This trailer is not. No.
This trailer is Hugh Jackman singing and dancing as The Greatest Showman. A huge fan of Hugh Jackman singing and dancing. I saw him in Boy From Oz and he was great.
But they really do work hard to let shoehorn in some inspiration behind. I'm going to take a bearded woman and a wolfman and some Siamese twins and be like, listen, you lived a hard life. You should be recognized rather than ostracized.
The entire trailer is like, you are beautiful, you're unique, you're amazing. And none of it is like, I'm going to cut you open and you're dead. Well, yeah, it's like revisionist history. Let's go back and make this look real nice. Also, do watch the trailer because I just watched it and the song that they play over the trailer. Very inspiring. I have not heard a song like that in a trailer since like the year 2000. It's so earnest and just like. Pre-9-11 again.
Got it, got it, got it. Is this movie a musical? Is that clear? Yes, it is. Oh, it is?
I see a little bit of singing and dancing. Because there are some people who were like, the bearded woman started singing along to this pre-9-11 song that you left at one point.
It's built sort of like Moulin Rouge. It should have been Moulin Rouge. I think they should have just made Moulin Rouge.
And then just made a movie about Hugh Jackman. If we wanted a showman, just make one about Hugh Jackman and his life. So, Maggie, your criticism with this movie is that they should have made a Moulin Rouge, which they did. And they should make movies about Hugh Jackman.
Okay. Stand by it, that's fine. That's a crazy movie. Soren, do you have any other headlines for us this week? Yeah.
I brought nothing this week because I'm sleeping.
You brought these new chairs. Yeah, I brought these new f***ing chairs.
A bum that you can't swivel anymore. I know. We used to be able to go side to side. I mean, you can do that, but you look so weird.
Oh, there's a noise too. What's that supposed to do? Yeah, I got another headline. That I want to talk about.
KFC has been planning to launch a chicken sandwich into space for a while. Today, as of shooting this, is the day that they're launching it into space.
Before we get into that, I have more thoughts about KFC than I have about almost any fast food brand. A, KFC used to stand for Kentucky Fried Chicken, and like eight years ago, I don't know if you remember this, they just decided it doesn't stand for anything. Now we're just called KFC. We ignore what it stands for. That's one of the silliest things about them.
They remodeled Colonel Sanders. They took Colonel Sanders from the white suit that he used to wear, and they put him in an apron, a red apron instead, and they tried to make him look more like a foodie than a slave owner. A plantation owner. They've also, in the last 24 months, have gone through, I think, five different Colonel Sanders.
It's not Rob Lowe anymore. We've in fact moved on from Rob Lowe to George Hamilton. What? That was so fast. So we've had Daryl Hammond, Norm Macdonald, maybe John Goodman, Rob Lowe, Jim Gaffigan, and now George Hamilton.
Billy Zane was one. Billy Zane was a KFC guy. Billy Zane.
Yeah, he was the golden Georgia chicken one. And then the crispy one is that guy. That's George Hamilton.
Oh, yeah. They've gone through so many different spokesmen, and it's not part of a concerted effort. That's frustrating. That's what's crazy. If they had just decided, hey, this is our new bit. We're doing a different Colonel Sanders every two months, that's fine. But Daryl Hammond, when he took on the role, interviewed people who were literally related to Colonel Sanders and wanted to know about the guy so he can accurately portray him. That's a bad idea. And then I know.
They canned him after two months. The campaign was over. He was like, I spent all this fucking time researching Colonel Sanders, who was borderline fictional, but Daryl Hammond put the work in.
They're like, no, no, no, no. We don't care.
Now it's Norm Macdonald. And after that, it's going to be Tracy Morgan. I've been waiting for KFC's punchline to them shifting through these great comedians so fast and us always pretending, oh, it's just the same guy.
Throughout all of them, I figured there's got to be some comeuppance for this. They're planning something. And the fact that they have it, instead they're like, and now we're going to put one in space. It's like, oh, god damn it. This is my lost. I've been following these commercials for so long, and it's never going to pay off. And the craziest thing is that's not even what you wanted to talk about when you brought up KFC today. The back story hurts a lot for KFC, but then also the fact that they're launching this sandwich into space is dumb. How are they doing it?
I think they've built a little rocket for it, from what I understand. I love it already. I think I love it. A tiny little rocket for a KFC to shoot into space? Keep going. I think I like it.
A tiny little rocket for a KFC. For a KFC. I'm kidding. They're not relishing a little restaurant up there. That's just a little sandwich. I'll think what I want to think.
So they're just launching into the stratosphere, too. It's not like it's Voyager, where it's going to go live out in space after the sun eats us all. This is just going up into the stratosphere until it runs out of steam, and then it will fall back down to Earth. Just like a child's rocket with a parachute? I think they have a camera. It'll go up and float up there for a while, but eventually the trajectory will bring it back down to Earth.
But it's the dumbest campaign, because there's no point to it other than someone hyperbolically in an ad meeting being like, what did we launch? We're into space. But he said it like that, too, and I bet he was 25 years old and just got the job. Right, and so we lost track of it. What if Zandaya was the colonel, and we sent a fucking sandwich into space? We've lost track of when we're being ironic and when we're being serious, and so people just follow through on this irony that's so dumb. I think you can think of like five better places to launch a chicken sandwich than space off the top of my head.
Yeah. Go ahead. Okay.
The bottom of the sea. We know less about the bottom of the sea than we know about space, and there's probably some animals down there.
We could feed a chicken sandwich, too. Chicken would get soggy. Soggy chicken counter-argument.
Yeah, all right. Sure.
We could... Let's elect one to legislation. Like, if you can get a cat to be mayor of a town, then let's do that with a chicken sandwich. Put your campaign money behind that. Wait. You could send one to those tribes, as long as we're being super reckless, send one to those tribes in the Amazon who no one has had contact with for centuries, and just drop it there.
That's pretty funny. Like, there's so many cool... That's only three. Three is fine. That's more than I expected.
The Starbucks unicorn drinks.
That was just some guy sitting in a room, like, what if? No way, would we? And then they did, and here we are.
It's bizarre. I don't understand the trend of fast food chains in places like Starbucks, where they need to do some weird viral stunt to get you excited about their dumb f***ing thing. Like, KFC, people are still going there.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that you're... It's chicken built on the backs of slaves. If that didn't deter people, then nothing will. You're fine. You don't need Rob Lowe. You don't need NASA. You're not going to see a KFC viral stunt and be like, KFC, huh?
I've never heard of that. Well, maybe I'll try it out.
Like, you already know what KFC is. Everybody knows what KFC... You're fine, KFC.
Oh, it's in space now? I guess I do want a sandwich where the bread is also chicken. So there's another demoralizing thing from history of KFC's advertising that I should bring up, because they have a section of their advertising. I think it's called space-vertizing. It's a whole wing, and they... Years ago, I think it was 2008...
Which camera do... Abe, where can I be the madness at? Which camera can I show my distinction?
All of them. They...
In Nevada, they created an ad, just a picture of Colonel Sanders that could be seen from space. It's so big that it can be seen from space. And so if you look at Google Maps, you can go find it in Nevada.
And it's a real bummer. And it doesn't... If you ever really want to be sad.
It looks like a Photoshop. It's not just like he's carved out of a wheat field. It's red and white, and it looks completely unnatural on the landscape, and it looks like somebody just slapped a sticker on the desert.
That's a huge bummer. I hate that. I also have to hand in my nerd card right now, because I don't care about space. I know everyone's mad about that, but I don't like NASA. I don't like space. I don't like any of those things. But knowing that KFC is sending one of their garbage chicken sandwiches into space, now I feel like I need a GoFundMe that is like, just in case aliens find this sandwich. I got to tell them that this isn't what we're like.
You should take a moment to say this episode is sponsored by KFC. KFC, it's chicken for your licking. Yep, that's the one. It's chicken for your licking. I hope that is never the tagline for KFC.
But they have done this weird advertisements toward aliens. Space advertisement.
What do they know that we don't know? I think it's the question.
I don't want the aliens to think that KFC represents any of us. I've never been to Kentucky, but I hold it in higher regard than I do KFC. I don't even want that to be associated with each other.
I love space and the idea of the Voyager. The whole story of Carl Sagan, what they decided to put on Voyager is so cool and neat and the best of humanity.
And then the other thing we're sending out to space is a chicken sandwich. There's babies crying, birds flying, and this garbage shit. Here's jazz. We invented jazz. And also, I don't know, I think this is mostly mashed potatoes and biscuits and some chicken parts, but you can have it if you want. It's spicy.
Well, that's the weekend headlines. Let's get to our main story this week.
Wow. Shoot. Gee, wow.
But I'd ask you guys to do something different this time around and come up with your 10 best comedic performances of all time. We have not discussed these previously. Hopefully, we all have the exact same 10. Oh, obviously. And we just sit here agreeing with each other. We're leaving if we don't. I'm sure we won't, and we'll each go one by one with our top 10 best comedic performances, and we'll find where we do line up, and that will be like the er group of like three or four, I assume. Oh, wow. And then we'll argue about the ones that we don't agree on.
I got a bunch of white guys. A bunch of white guys. Yeah, it's a real problem. My problem with assembling my list, I started last week and I went through and I was like, oh, this is mostly straight white guys.
That can't be great. Man, there aren't a lot of good roles for funny women, and I talked to women that I worked with, and they listed like 19 great roles. I was like, oh, okay. The problem is that I haven't. I don't watch a lot of movies starring women. That's the problem. It's not that they aren't out there. We definitely are valid, because a lot of the people I have, there are like females in the movie, but they're the wife being like, why would you go do that thing?
Or like, oh boy, it's so funny, the way that you do that horrible thing. That's a lot of, that's a decade of Andy McDowell, is what you just did. Yeah. Just like disapproving of some hilarious man doing something. Oh boy. It's just her entire multiplicity. Are there four of you now? I don't approve, but I still respect you. I'm going to go with my first one, and none of this is in any particular order. Oh, that's awful. Okay.
But the first one that came to my brain was, there's a short list of about five men that I would have sex with, and Kevin Kline is definitely on that list. And I have Kevin Kline and a fish called Wanda is my favorite comedy performance of all time.
What is his favorite thing? What does he not have a sex with him to do with that? Everything. I guess nothing.
I guess I just, I want it clear, in case he's watching, that I really respect him comedically. And also I have sex with him if he was down with it. Pete Holmes is a great bit about Ryan Gosling, where he's like, listen, I like him. I don't want to have sex with him.
That's not enough. That's only part of me.
I want to be all the way up inside of him. I want to exist inside of him.
I think I bring it up because I love Kevin Kline in everything. I don't think he's ever turned in a bad performance. The toughest thing was deciding between fish called Wanda and In-N-Out French Kiss Pirates of Penzance, which technically counts as a movie because they filmed the musical during the movie. But he's great in all of them. He's got the big chill. He's great in Big Chill. But Fish Called Wanda is still my, like... Yeah. He's a great dummy in that movie. They got an Oscar for that and it's rare for anyone to get an Academy Award for a comedy thing and he did it.
Did either of you have him on your list? He's not on it. He's glaringly absent from my list.
Nope.
That'll be a future place. Those ones that got you into comedy. They made you excited about it. And you're not always going to share those with anybody. Right. Those are always going to be rare ones. I think I have one that will be on most people's list though.
I've got Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Is that on anybody else's list? No. I have Bill Murray in Scrooge. I thought about Scrooge. And I also thought myself about that because I know I need Bill Murray on there but I am very strict about the rules that I invent on the fly.
Yeah. And I'm trying to think like what is... Is he a very funny person generally or is this a souped nuts, perfect, funny performance? Yeah. I don't know that he's had...
Difficult. It's really difficult. It is difficult.
I laugh at him every time I see him. I think he's great all the time.
I think that if you took Groundhog Day and you just read the script and you just could see the lines that he has even if it's like verbatim of what he actually does the improv is included you would be like this character is an asshole I can't relate to this character at all. But when he performs it, it just changes. He's so funny and good and charming that you're on his side even though he's just an unrepentant f*** throughout most of the movie. There are so many things he does in Groundhog Day and Scrooge and Ghostbusters that I don't even know why they're funny. I can't even learn from them. There's in Groundhog Day Day 9 or whatever when Ned Ryerson is like Phil and he goes Ned and punches him.
Just the delivery of Ned and his delivery in Scrooge when he talks about being adored on television and he will have a clip of it but he just goes Adored! Adored!
And that's the kind of thing that I watch that and I'm like I can't imitate that. I can't learn from that.
You're just you're somehow perfectly funny. I think that's why he sticks with us because there are going to be a lot of movies glaringly absent from our list. They're going to be like obviously the Buster Keaton and stuff like that.
I don't have any black and white on here. But I do. I don't have anything not white on here.
Oh! All right.
Ace Ventura is not on here. Wayne's World is not on here. I love Ace Ventura.
These movies that were that were seminal and these big comedies that everybody loved because they've become so much a part of our culture that it's almost painful to watch those movies now. They're torturous because those jokes are so well worn.
But Bill Murray that can't become part of your culture because no one else can do what he's doing. No. That's true. Do you have any Bill Murray at all on yours? I don't have Bill Murray.
I also put mine in order of my least favorite to my most favorite. So should I go in order I guess? Start with your most favorite because I went hard with Kevin Cline.
All right. My most favorite. Okay.
Terry Jones in Mottie Python and Quest for Holy Grail. He plays the... He plays the prince. No, I don't want to be a prince.
A little... Boop! Yeah, okay. It's a smaller role for sure. And I love that movie and it was hard to pick which character really spoke to me but I think that was the first time I was watching a movie and just seeing a character that so did not fit in that movie but so did. Yeah. He's so weird. His voice is all like me, me, me, no, no, no, no. He's like writing those little love letters out the window. That's such a surprising choice even for like the cast of Python. Yeah.
Terry Jones is not one that jumps out at people. Like this could have been 10 John Cleese roles and Kevin Cline from Fish Called Wanda. But yeah, Terry Jones is...
Yeah, that movie in particular, I think he just shines. In that scene, I think I would just rewind it and watch it over. This physical comedy is so on point in that movie, so. Yeah.
I don't have any money on my list. I don't either.
And like Holy Grail was my sleepover movie. Boys have sleepovers. Growing up and...
What? What did you guys talk about it? Sleepovers. Girls. We play Truth or Dare and like dare each other because it's fine. We would dunk basketballs for girls. Like we dedicate a dunk to a girl on a Nerf basketball hoop. Really? I would, yeah. What? Just talking about girls and dunking and drinking a lot of Surge and watching Monty Python and Happy Gilmore. Like those were things that we did.
Adam Sandler also not on my list. Not on my list either. I don't think he's had like a great performance. My next person on my list.
I think when I started this, I wanted to get surprising people. Like Kevin Cline is not immediately thought of as a comedy actor. And I'm really proud of... I had Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice, which I think is like such a f***ing standout, incredible performance. And it's... There's a voice and there's a physicality to it and every second that he's on screen, he's hilarious in that movie. That's a good tick.
I didn't have that. I didn't either. I didn't even think about that.
But you're absolutely right. That's a really funny role.
So now I'm worried that we're not going to have anyone that... We might have some.
Yeah, this is kind of a big one. Yeah. Chevy Chase, National Lampoon vacation. Don't have them. Oh! Okay.
Speaking of like, culture that usurps somebody's comedy, it just doesn't work anymore. Chevy Chase was... I feel like I just missed the boat on him because I watched Fletch maybe too late or I watched Lampoon too late. And I just have never found Chevy Chase funny. I know it's gonna rattle a lot of people up.
Fletch is great. Fletch is...
Yeah. Fletch almost made it to the list. I think he's less funny and more that he invests so much in scenes that it is funny. Like, to me, that moment when they get to Wally World and it is clearly closed and this just manic father of like, no, this is gonna be great, is just so fucking funny. Yeah.
But didn't make anyone else's list. What was the first woman on your list?
Reese Witherspoon in election. Reese Witherspoon.
You got it? Do you both have it? We both have it, yeah. I do not have it.
Yeah, match. You guys gotta match, alright. Yeah.
Point. Point over here.
I think she's great in everything. I couldn't decide between that and Legally Blonde, which I thought was a better performance. That should be on my list. But she's great in everything. What's surprising to me in election is it's not even just her like, physical performance. Seeing her, the narration of her just gets me so much. Yeah. The cadence and everything and you're just like, coming unhinged is so wonderful. Election is a perfect movie.
You didn't have any Reese Witherspoon at all? I did not, although I do. I think retroactively, I probably would have put her in Legally Blonde on this list. I do have Rebel Wilson in Bridesmaids. As the sister, you've got a lot of like, small roles on their list. I do, yeah.
She's really good in this. Smaller roles, they get more freedom. She's so small in that movie. Yeah, but she's so funny.
The way... The theater for describing like, well, I did not know that it was your diary. I thought it was just a sad book on the floor.
She's super dry in that movie. She's so dry and slow and there's no reason for that character to even be in this movie.
Right. No good reason.
It's her and Matt Lucas as like weird New Zealand or Australian twins? Twins? Twins that clearly love each other?
Yeah, I don't have her. Wait, you guys might have this on yours. Frances McDormand in Fargo?
As a comedy performance? Yes, it's so funny. Her being on the scene when there's like, at the horrific accident, got another dead fellow over here and like, her just dry delivery of everything and being completely unaffected by the things that are happening around her and staying so pure. I think it's really... She just strikes me as very, very funny in that movie. That's a comedy though. Fargo is not a comedy. Sure it is. Yeah, it's a dark comedy.
You could make an argument for either side. Yeah, so that fella in the wood chipper was your friend? Yeah. There are funny lines in it. If you're going Coen Brothers route, I really thought I was going to link up with you on this. I had Holly Hunter from Raising Arizona on my list. Yeah, that's a good one.
I love him so much. She's so funny. She's so dumb and it's so great.
That is a really good one. She's a very big personality in that movie even though she's so tiny. I agree. That's a good one, but I didn't put it on my list.
I do have another Coen Brothers on here though. I've got John Goodman from The Big Lebowski.
Oh. Yes. I mean, just because I was drinking doesn't mean that everyone needs to be silent. Oh, no, no. I was trying to think like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's wonderful. Walter is such a great character. He's so thoroughly committed to his part. Yeah. Like every second that he's there, he's constantly at 11. His intensity is so high, he's ready to snap at any moment.
Just like barely civil with everyone around him. Barely civil.
Yeah, that's nobody else got any John Goodman? No. Who's next on your list? We do not have similar listeners. No, we don't. Dang, guys. What about Christopher Guest? Does anybody have him? No.
Oh, boy. No, but I do love him. I do love that movie.
And for a long time, I was like, oh, should I put Spinal Tap? Who would I pick? Yeah. I decided no one. him in particular. Decided either or not. He's just so dumb in Spinal Tap.
Like, I love... Every time that he talks on screen, I'm like, yes. Yeah.
He's such a dummy. Earnestly dumb.
Yeah. What's next for you, Maggie? Well, okay.
I have Dave Chappelle from Men in Tights. I've never seen Men in Tights.
I know. I know everything about it. I know there's like a silhouette and his sword comes up.
Oh. Is that everything? That's it.
No. Gosh. Wow. Yeah, sorry.
You should see that. It's very good. It is very good. You think it'll hold up? Yeah. Oh, it holds up. I just watched it.
Dave Chappelle is so great. That scene where they get to the... He's trying to cross like this bridge. And Dave Chappelle is like, you can just walk. I'm on the left bank. I'm on the right bank. There's a tiny bridge. It's really great. There's little John who's like, you can't cross this bridge until you pay the toll. And Dave Chappelle is like, it's a creek.
Just do it. Just walk.
Oh, that's a treat. He's so great. Does anyone have Marissa Tomei from My Cousin Vinny?
No.
That's a great role though. Yeah. She's very friendly in it. I have never seen My Cousin Vinny is the one I have. That's an interesting one.
Why are we even doing this? I don't know. Maybe we should have talked about this before. I don't know.
Everybody's going to have their blind spots. Just so obvious that they have to be on all of our lists. Everybody else's blind spots.
She's, that's a great role. She is, that's another one. We're on paper. I don't like that part. Right. But like her doing it, it just seems so two dimensional until she does it. And then you're like, oh, she's wonderful. She's what the movie's about all of a sudden. Yeah. Like, because the movie builds itself like, wouldn't it be crazy if this like, New York Italian Joe Pesci type was a lawyer? Isn't that like a fun fish out of water story? And sure, that could, could hang for most movies. But then you watch, she was like, oh, fuck all that. It's Marisa Tomei. She's the story. This is who I care about. Yeah.
But you guys didn't even, I know. Sorry.
I had Rosie Perez in White Man Can't Jump and also like the entire cast of White Man Can't Jump because that movie's perfect.
It is. I will say like Wesley Snipes hilarious in that movie. Yeah. And like who I sort of tried to emulate as a child. Uh-oh. Not that specific. Uh-oh. Just like that level of slagger and confidence. As a kid I was like, latched onto that and I was like, okay, a bike hat. I can do that. It was a little like, little hat with a little folded brick. Yeah. And he was just so cool in it. And also very, very funny and had all these great lines. I thought for sure I could pull that off. Not, it wasn't, it never got awkward. Yeah. Well, look at who you became.
I know Wesley Snipes. I don't like that. I do have a Bridesmaids person on my list. Okay. I have Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids on my list.
She is the other great stand out in that film. I'd never, I'd never watched her sitcom before that movie. I'd never seen her in anything before that movie.
You didn't say you were a Suki in Gilmore Girls? You didn't watch Gilmore Girls? You didn't watch Gilmore Girls until like a year ago.
And she's, she just steals that movie. She's wonderful. She does.
And she's like, all these weird little choices like she wears a wrist brace throughout some of it. Yeah, for no reason. And she's like, definitely like the, why she sticks out for me in that movie is that she's definitely a character. She's a part. Like it's, a lot of people are just, it's clearly an improv heavy movie so they're just like going for jokes all the time. And she showed up and was like, this is my character and here are the rules of my character and I'm going to stick to all of them all the time. And it was a character that I hadn't seen before.
Yeah. I was just so excited by her. Right. And me, a long time, a girl's head. Seeing her branching out this way was very exciting. Yeah, a girl's truth. I've known it all along.
Mm hmm.
What I, okay, so this is, I think my favorite character and performance of all time in any movie. And I know that's setting it up very largely, but. I mean, I said you should start with your favorite.
That's true. Okay.
But this is like near dear to my heart. Steve Coogan and Hamlet too. Did you guys watch that movie? Yeah. Hamlet too. Oh, right. Very, very good. But I like Alan Partridge an awful lot. I almost put that on my list. Okay, yeah.
It's a, a scene of, no, I'm not going to give anyone any context for the movie at all. He's, I think he's a theater director. He's a theater teacher. Who wrote a sequel to Hamlet. That's also a musical. Skylar Astin from Pitch Perfect, our favorite movie. He's in it. There's a scene where Steve Coogan is writing this musical.
And it's like a montage of him having trouble and they have him staring at a cat. And he says, what is your fucking deal?
And I think about it all the time. It's one of the best moments I've ever seen. It is so great. And my favorite moment that just like taps into the character is when he starts it like silently sobbing about like him being a young boy who just wants to act and can't do it very well. And it's just like so much emotion by such a sad character. I love it.
Yeah. Maggie, have you not lined up with anyone on anything yet? I don't think so. Other than Bridesmaids. That's the closest we came. Yeah, Bridesmaids. So my full list. Yeah, go ahead. We didn't dig into all of them.
Kevin Kline. Michael Keaton. George C. Scott. Dr. Strangelove.
Meg Ryan. Holly Hunter. Reese. Wait, what Meg Ryan and what?
French Kiss. Okay. Watch French Kiss. It's a great movie. Yeah.
Reese in Election. Marie in Scrooge. Rosie Perez.
White Man Can't Jump.
Marisa Tomei. Cousin Vinny. Gene Wilder. Blazing Saddles.
None of those for you. Meg Ryan and French Kiss.
Does she have like a great comedic performance in that? Yes. She's so good. And like Kevin Kline, whom I love. He's also great in it. And it's just like a really charming, fun movie. But she runs the table. She is so good in everything that she does. And she's like quirky and weird and gross and funny and smart. And it's terrific.
I'm realizing now we should put a time code in here for when we actually read our list. Oh, that's a good idea. Go to this time code. This is when we actually do the list.
Right. I gave my ten and we lined up once. Once. Yeah. I don't have any other ones here for you.
I've got Bill Murray and Groundhog Day. Jungkum and Big Lebowski.
Nick Cage and Vampires Kiss. Oh, what? Get the fuck out of here. Oh, no, watch. Have you seen Vampires Kiss? No.
I don't even know. There's something to make you go away. I don't know why I'm looking around right now. I'm just so unhappy.
Vampires Kiss.
This is this is one of those movies where like you're Kevin Klein where I was like I want to do comedy. We're like he's just like.
You want to fuck him? You want to fuck Nick Cage? I want to be inside of him.
Yeah. Okay.
He's got he like does a voice that he just like made up and he's he's slowly thinks he's becoming a vampire and he's he's just like trying shit in that movie. And he's so funny. He's wonderful.
All right. Don't prank us next time. I've got Nick Frost and Hot Fuzz. Okay. That's a great one. Christopher Guest and Spinal Tap, Reese Witherspoon and Election, Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids, Frances McDormand and Fargo, Christopher Lloyd and the Addams Family. Oh. Okay. All right.
And I've got Chris Tucker in Fifth Element. And maybe also Friday I couldn't decide between the two of them. He's in Fifth Element because he's just every single time he's on screen he's so engaging in the movie.
Yeah. What's your full list, Maggie? All right. Okay. Rocket Man, Harlan Williams. Go on. All right. I need it to gauge the reaction. I want to get this whatever weird thing that I think is over there that will make Soren go away. I need two of them to make Maggie always. All right.
Rocket Man, Harlan Williams. He's up. That scene when he paints the food. Nobody knows what you're talking about. You've never seen Rocket Man?
No. Oh, good.
I think you're the Rocketeer. I've seen the Rocketeer. Rocketeer's the only Rocketeer.
Jennifer Connolly. Oh, Timothy Dalton.
You can't get any better. Goodness gracious. No, no, no. The guy who was the Rocketeer. All right. Okay. I'll peek in the window of Boys Night. I'll make you watch Rocket Man. It's great. This one I think is a cheat. Okay.
Muppet Treasure Island, Kermit. Voiced by Steve Whitmire.
I don't believe that one. It's a puppet. Yeah. But it's a comedic performance.
I'm deciding, did you take this too seriously or not seriously enough? Are your choices legitimate? I know in my gut that you did it wrong, that you came here not correct. Although, am I correct though?
That one who was like, oh, Harlan, this crew is the funniest.
All right. Okay. I can see where it stands. Okay.
Okay. It's so great. He's so funny. He hardly says a word. It's amazing. John Heater, Napoleon Dynamite. Okay. Oh my God.
Dan. Oh my God. Dan.
I can't look at you. You're like my disappointed uncle. Okay. That Galifian act is the hangover. I feel like I read younger than uncle. Like on camera. You are an uncle. I know I'm literally an uncle, but I'm like what I play as, I think. I could scan for like a cool cousin. All right. You look like my...
Cool cousin who comes from New York. Cool cousin who's disappointed. Rex, the president's car.
My show takes place in one of the movies.
But go on. I've never disagreed with anyone more passionate about their taste. All right. I think I read the rest. Steve Coogan, Hamlet II, Robert Wilson, Bridesmaids, Dave Chappelle, Men in Tights, Chevy Chase, Vacation, and Terry Jones. Wow. What a dark horse list you've created. I realize what I made it. I almost said I wanted to have a whiteboard here where we would put like here are the three or four that we definitely agree on because it was the commonality on all lists. We'll do it in the post.
No, but there's none. There's none. Stop it. There's none. We didn't...
There's one that two of us agreed on and... Yeah. And the rest doesn't count because... Because Maggie's super wrong. Yeah. Maggie. Yeah.
I don't want to say you ruined this, but... But I... No, I admit. I don't know how else to say it. I admit it's out there.
And like when I was doing it, I kind of knew. These are ones that you were either... A lot of them are nostalgic, but to me still hold up. Yeah. The one... Rocket Man, it was one of the first comedies I think I ever watched and was like, oh, that's what movies could be. Is that what got you into comedy? Like is there a performance that you saw like me with Bill Murray and Sorin with Frances McDormand where you're like, I want to do that. Yeah. I mean...
It was Rocket Man. It was either Rocket Man or it was Monty Python, without the whole film in general.
I like that you go, Maggie making her list. I mean like... Waka Waka. It's so good.
Is Kermit technically a person? He's not, but I don't care. He is so good. And not even like Pete Kermit, not even Jim Henson Kermit. Just some other f***ing guy named Chris Carroll Kermit.
That is the best Muppets movie. When they're doing the roll call. Muppet Treasure Island. Yes.
With a Babyface O'Brien. There's no Brian in that movie. Babyface O'Brien?
I will duck. Who heard this crew? You're still... Yeah, wrong. But that's our main story this week. And now it's time to get into questions from commenters.
And we don't have too many. Because I forgot to collect them. Oh, that's better than just not getting any. We got a ton.
I would like to remind people just to get some slack off me that he hasn't seen Mennentites. Oh, yeah. No, that's horse s***. That's insane that you haven't seen Mennentites. I'll watch Mennentites.
You all watch Submarine. It's a great movie. Submarine.
Not the vampire one? So what are our assignments? You need to watch Mennentites. I need to watch Rocketman? Is that what I need to f***ing do?
And Vampires Kiss. You watch Vampires Kiss. Vampires Kiss.
Okay. And then we'll do a book club. But here are our questions.
Darling Wood Phil says, what franchise has felt the most underwhelming, not necessarily the worst, but the one that failed to live up to its potential? Maze Runner.
Oh! You're probably right. I know. Who could say? I just feel like that's right.
DC Movie Universe. I think DC Movie Universe, yeah. I think X-Men First Class, despite having Fassbender and McAvoy, who are perfect together and they should do lots of Magneto and Xavier movies forever.
It was still a very bad movie. You had all the money in the world. You had multiple Academy Award nominees and future winners in your movie about superheroes. And you're set in the 60s or 70s and whatever and you could do whatever you want. And it was just so middle of the road and so uninspiring.
That's a really good one. Yeah. I prepare because I have the questions for you. I think I agree with you. That is a good one. Yeah.
The DC Universe has been so much potential. Such a bummer.
Yeah. This is a name I can't pronounce. It is at L-X-Z-X-B-Y-T-H. So it's like, it's vaguely Elizabeth. Okay. What is the place of podcasts in pop culture? Oh. I don't have a good answer for that. Well, I listen to a lot of murder podcasts. Mm-hmm. That's all I had to say about that.
It's like, I feel like it's holding a mirror up to pop culture. I'm trying to, I'm trying to figure out if they've replaced anything or if they're a new thing. I guess it's replaced radio. Did it bring back radio? Did we not have it? Then we lost it and now we have it again? It's only, I think it's really cool in the fact that it's at least long form again that people are interested in something long form and something long form can take off. Because everything seems to be moving towards shorter.
And it's episode, it's week by week which now a lot of shows you binge. So that is something that like keeps you waiting every week and it kind of, it is, most episodes are formulaic so it's a return to like the ER or like Grey's Anatomy where it's going to be the same every episode.
I call it a mirror only because it's, the rest of pop culture seems unaware of it. Like it comments on pop culture constantly. But pop culture never returns the favor.
Yeah. Like movies, television, all the mediums, like they're never talking about the podcast. Yeah. I saw a play recently at the Hollywood Frames Called Podcast which was about podcasts so I think we're just now starting to like, grapple with what we can say about podcasts and what they say about us. What are the patterns we can isolate about podcasts. Yeah. I mean there are a lot of good jokes just from like on Twitter and stuff about I'm starting a podcast. Yeah. But, yeah culturally we don't, we don't, we haven't even gotten, we're barely to the part where a woman's job in a rom-com can be blogger. Right. Oh yeah. Certainly not a podcast. Well, that was kind of a weird question to end on. Thanks again for joining me guys. Maggie can anyone find you on Twitter anywhere? Yeah.
I'm realizing though that on Twitter I don't ever see notifications for some reason. Like they like hide like 50 out of 100 notifications that I get. And like I even recently got a notification from Chelsea Clinton because I tweeted at her and I didn't get to see it until like two days later when somebody else had liked it.
And I was like, what? What the?
Okay. Well, I'm Dan. You can find me at D-O-B underscore I-N-C. And if you have to be the daughter of a president and you're trying to get a hold of Soren, I see most of my notifications so like go through me and I'll make sure that word gets back to him.
And that's about it. Chelsea. That's about it. Chelsea. The show is... This one's for you Chelsea.
Yes! I like that your dunk is this. Hey, thanks for watching. Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe. Also, Soren and I did a miniseries podcast called Looking the Part. It's about hair and shaving and faces and bodies in movies. And we're really excited about it. We'll put a link in the description below. Check it out. We really like you. Look, it's been saved. |
dropout | fart_martyr | Mary Neil deGrasse Tyson, kill Mike Tyson, and fuck the Tyson chicken. That's exactly what I do.
Oh jeez, you farted guys. Sorry everybody, that was me. I'm sorry.
Gross. Trey gross. Terry gross.
I need some fresh air. Wait, I farted.
Why did he do that? Why did he save me? I did it for you. Why?
Today, on my way to work, I stopped in the street to pick up a penny. I was not realizing a bus was barreling towards me. A kindly nun pushed me out of the way, saving me, but killing herself. At first, I was like, what the fuck you stupid nun? Then I realized, she saved me for a purpose. What purpose I did not know until this moment. Just as she saved me, I was put on earth to save you from this fart.
But it's not over. I had gas station chili for lunch. I can bear this load, Lord.
I farted again. That was me. I farted. A fart came out my butt. Holy shit.
Okay, it smells like shit in here. Someone obviously just shit their pants. Twas I. What did you eat? Day old sewage? Smell like a used lap band.
Faux pas, dude. Faux pas. Oh. It's weird.
It really smells like it's coming from her. You too must turn against me. Less suspicion fall on thee. I can't. You must. We must not allow Sister Mary Clarence's death to have been in vain.
Oh my god. You're so gross, Adam. You smell like raccoon crawled up your ass and died. More. And the raccoon was full of babies. And the babies died too. Oh, and that was like ten years ago and they pickled in your ass. And that's what they smell is.
You have done well, my son. Get the farter. I farted. My inside body gas is now your outside breathing gas. All oxygen in this room has been tainted by my anus. Another food ghost is born today. Good job, my son. I queefed. |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_minute_spade_movie_review_saturday_night_live | And now here's David Spade with the Hollywood Minute. Dave, what do you got? if it isn't the crowd. okay, well, thank you, Kevin. First off, in Movie News, I finally got around to seeing the Pelican Brief. about two and a half hours into it, I thought, you know the word brief shouldn't be anywhere near this title.
And what's eating Gilbert Grape? I'm not sure, but I know what's not seeing Gilbert Grape, America.
I also saw Jim Carrey and Ace Ventura. you know Jim, it's very dangerous to mix play it too big juice with overacting pills. Howie Mandel almost died from that lethal combination. my father, the hero, Gerard.
Depart, don't, please. it's the new Hammer. Hammer felt he needed to toughen up his image. You know, it's sad when you have a name like Hammer and people still think you're too soft. now get back in the puffy pants and walk away.
You know what, Band, I can't stomach, belly. I just saw the Calvin Klein Obsession ad on Tv. I thought it was a preview for Schindler's List. And on the other end of the spectrum, Anne Wilson from Heart. I have a question. were those her ribs they threw on the car at the end of the Flintstones that made it flip over? I don't know, I'm asking. I rented Hocus Pocus this week. this is a very scary movie. my three-year-old nephew saw it and had nightmares. he woke up screaming, mommy, mommy, how did they get financing?
And Marv Levy, Coach of the Buffalo Bills, I bet next year he'll be calling plays for the Bud Bowl. Okay, 22 twist off on three, ready? Don't break. In America, sweetheart, Tanya Harding, when she skates in the Olympics, I'm investing all my money in the word boo. thank you very much, Kevin. that is the Hollywood. Good to stay, folks. Thanks, David. |
cracked | if_everyday_life_was_more_like_house_of_cards | I don't know, I like it. It's like, you know, save the cat but kill the dog. Like, you know exactly who you're dealing with from the get-go. It's just so over the top. I don't know.
Michael, have you seen it? The dead dog? No, the House of Cards, the Netflix, Kevin Spacey.
No, not yet. Heard it was good though. But of course, I have seen it. I just don't want them to know that. Yet. You guys can still talk about it though. I don't mind spoilers. Right. Well, if you haven't seen it.
She bought it naturally. Katie's was always such a feeble mind.
What is he doing? It's so important to line up the pieces properly before an attack. Don't you agree? As for the dead dog, well... Mercy. Hey Michael, what are you doing? Oh, I should explain.
If it appeared to you as though I just stood still for a period of time. No, that's not what it looked like at all. You literally turned over there and did like a weird southern aside. No, definitely didn't do that.
Why would I? I haven't even seen the show.
Here that is the clip of a trap springing shut before you see the coffee that been... Okay, alright. Watch me. This is what you're doing. You're like turning to the side and seeing your motivations and such. Now, I hope my explanation was good enough for Michael. You see, Michael was hoping... Cody! Sorry? I'm confused. To me, it appeared as though you just stood still for a period of time. Wait a minute.
What did you say about the coffee? What have you done to it? The coffee?
Why, whatever do you mean? Alright, okay. Michael, why would you lie to us about whether or not you've seen the show? Who cares? I declare this scheme's falling apart like so much structure made of precariously stacked items I'm sure I don't know. And do you see? It's like he very clearly lies and then he turns to the side and explains that he's lying to us.
You know what they say about Kentuckians in West Virginia? Well, that's the Tennessee truth. I'm Southern.
Pardon me a moment. Huh? Oh, forgive me. Blowing up like a horn toad with a firecracker up his ass. You didn't even turn away that time!
Senatorial business. I mean, uh... senatorial business.
Hey guys, Brendan here. You probably don't know that, but they said I couldn't do one of these end play call to action things. But, um, I'm doing it. So, don't forget to... We're gonna crack to your... Crack...
Damn it! Shit! |
cracked | why_michael_bay_might_secretly_be_a_genius | Despite being responsible for some of the most successful films ever made, Michael Bay takes a huge amount of criticism for being just a big old ball of sexist racism. His movies glorify misogyny, objectification, and the kind of racial stereotypes you'd see in a vaudeville show at a concert saloon in Reconstruction, Mississippi. Hey mommy! Every movie he has ever produced is a love letter to brainless testosterone. One third of the runtime of any Michael Bay film is devoted to partially clothed people coated in a fine mist of vegetable oil running and or driving to and from explosions in a world of perpetual late afternoon glare.
The other two thirds are made up of casual racism and the word bitch. Take that, bitch.
Only two of his films have rated higher than a 50% on Rotten Tomatoes and two of them are lower than 20%. Critically speaking, he has the batting average of Babe Ruth's Ghost.
So does Michael Bay live in a vacuum? How can he keep trotting out shiny montages of noise masquerading his motion pictures and yet be so oblivious to their badness? Well, cause he's making fun of us. Michael Bay might secretly be the most brilliant satirist who has ever lived, holding up mirror after billion dollar mirror to show us exactly what's reflected in it. Let's take a look at the evidence.
Hollywood considers Michael Bay to be the most mass appealing director in the world. When Steven Spielberg and Jerry Bruckheimer need a movie to make all of the money on the planet, they go to Michael Bay. The wealthiest, most powerful weavers of dreams in Hollywood decided that Michael Bay's sensibility is the median of every human being on Earth. And every Michael Bay film seems to have been made by a violent, misogynistic racist.
So what does that say about us? Buckle up because this is about to get super uncomfortable.
Every black person in a Michael Bay movie is a cartoon character. What kind of f***ed up toy is this? When not being forced to speak like minstrels, Michael Bay's black characters spend entire scenes trading racist jokes with Hispanic people, being the only members of a heroic outer space drilling team to lead police on a high-speed chase for absolutely no reason, and triumphantly murdering a platoon of meth-dealing clansmen. Because subtlety. When Michael Bay took over Bad Boys, which was a script originally written for Dana Carvey and John Lovitz, he knew the dialogue had to be changed. So he went to his two lead actors, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, and asked them, how would actual black people say this? Because if he had done the rewrites himself, Bad Boys would have been a two-hour episode of Amos and Andy. So he's clearly aware that the dialogue normally uttered by the black characters in his movies is something less than authentic.
And when Transformers 2 came out, Michael Bay defended the inclusion of two jive-talking, illiterate robots by pointing out that they had tested really well with children. Kids thought they were hilarious, and that movie went on to gross more than $800 million. Michael Bay doesn't put these characters in his movies because he's racist, he puts these characters in his movies because they're the characters we expect to see. But having those robots soft-shoe their way through Transformers 2, he's basically telling us, yeah, kids thought this was great, they don't know any better. I'm going to continue making movies that say racism is okay for as long as you allow your children to believe that it's true.
In Transformers 4, Dinotronic Jamboree, there's an uncomfortably long shot where the camera lingers on the text of Texas's Romeo and Juliet law, which says that having a sexual relationship with a minor is totally legal, as long as the relationship began when both partners were still underage. Ostensibly, this is to show us that the romance in the film between dumb guy and blonde person isn't gross and illegal, even though it is both of those things in most other states of the union. But what it's really doing is showing us, the audience, that we have a law in the books that allows adults to f*** teenagers, and we're fine with it. As soon as Papa Wahlberg finds out his 17-year-old daughter, of whom he is still the legal guardian, is sleeping with a 20-year-old man, he freaks out, and he wants to press charges. But thanks to this loophole, created by our modern American government, he can't! Michael Bay didn't write the Romeo and Juliet law, he isn't dangling it in front of our faces to excuse the actions of his characters. He's demonstrating the fact that the state of Texas has a statutory rape permission slip, and according to the culture we're actively shaping to pass on to all the children we take to see these movies, that's completely acceptable. Michael Bay is not saying, hey, here's this law, so nobody needs to feel bad about this grown man nailing a teenager against her father's wishes.
He's saying, hey, look at this f***ing thing that totally exists. Maybe he should write your congressman. Maybe I'm giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is really just a loud, stupid, racist bully with zero self-awareness. But here's what makes me think otherwise.
Michael Bay studied film at Wesleyan University, which is an incredibly prestigious and exclusive liberal arts college, and they loved him there. His senior project won the university's award for Best Student Film. One of his professors was Janine Basinger, who is a film historian and trustee of the American Film Institute, and she considers Michael Bay to be one of the most brilliantly talented filmmakers she has ever encountered. Basinger is also responsible for helping decide which movies make it into the criterion collection. There's a library of culturally and artistically significant films, which, to date, contains two Michael Bay movies. The point is, Michael Bay was a well-educated, celebrated film student, not some clueless goober stumbling randomly into success after success like Forrest Gump.
He knows exactly what he's doing. Back in 1999, he had a cameo as a dumb fraternity jock in Mystery Men. Literally playing a caricature of the reputation he would eventually earn. He had contempt for that image before most of us even knew who he was. Can we, uh, bring the brewskis? If anything, he's hyper-aware of himself.
So let's go back to those Rotten Tomatoes scores. His two most poorly-reviewed films are Transformers Dark of the Moon and Transformers... well, the one with dinosaurs. Two of the biggest box office successes of all time. Despite the assurance of virtually every respected critic on the planet that these were two of the shittiest pieces of shit to ever be shat out of a shithole, we as a species rewarded Michael Bay with two and a half billion dollars! And those were the third and fourth installments, we already knew these movies were gonna be bullshit, and we watched them anyway!
The question isn't what's wrong with him, it's what is wrong with us! Michael Bay may very well be a crusader, showing us all what is wrong with the world. The Transformers series seems to be the most egregious of its movies in terms of racism and sexism, but maybe that's by design. Those have the widest reach if any movie Michael Bay has ever made, so he knows parents will be watching it with their kids and seeing how positively they react to the ignorant bullshit on screen. He wants us to know that our societal ills are buried deep down at the roots, infecting our children, so he deliberately plays his films to the lowest common denominator and challenges us to raise the bar. He's basically taking our temperature with each movie he releases, and we just keep proving that we're all intolerable lizard people. Stupid, mean-spirited piles of chauvinistic racism like the Transformers movies will stop being successful once we decide to change the world. Sometimes we need a meatball like Michael Bay to show us what we're doing wrong.
Hello everyone, I hope you enjoyed watching this video. If you liked it, please subscribe, give us a like maybe, and head down to the comments section and let us know what Michael Bay movie changed your life. When did it finally click? When did you finally hear his voice in your ear saying, hey, I hope this has challenged you to become a better person? Maybe let us know. Type it out there in the bottom. Change begins with a whisper. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_160_Abdul_Abdullah | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording live here from downtown Batutah, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, how are you Errol?
Good mate, always good to come in here on a Tuesday mate, it's my favourite day of the week. Yeah it really is one of those ones where you kind of, you're firing with all cylinders I feel Tuesday, I've never really had a dull Tuesday ever, not even in my stereosonic days. Now this week's a big week for the arts, not often you can say that in Australia, a big week for the arts, a big month for the arts even, because what we're looking down the barrel of is the announcement of this year's Archibald Prize finalists as well as the Wynn and the Sulman, the other prizes that go alongside the Archibald.
And I know as someone who's dabbled myself with the paintbrush and the beret as a young man and the black skivvy, there was a little era of art school in my... Under Joe. Under Joe, yeah, I tried my hand at all that, it wasn't for me, I preferred the letters. You talk about those days a lot Clancy. Yeah I preferred the letters in the end, but one thing I learnt back then was that people in the art world and artists, there's nothing they hate more than having their industry compared to sport.
Which is why I'm going to do exactly just that to introduce today's guest. The Archibald, as I said before, the finalists will be announced this week, has been described as the grand final of art. My personal favourite is of course the face that stops the nation for Australia's largest art prize, portrait prize. And today's guest, Abdul Abdullah, has been a finalist...
Four times over? Five times. Five times, five times, champ, champ, champ, champ, champ.
And we're here to talk to you about everything that is art and of course some of those big milestones. How are you mate? Thank you for joining us. I'm good and thank you very much for having me.
Now as I said I kind of painted the art world as an elite community that probably doesn't like being associated with Australia's other favourite pastimes. Which it's definitely not. It's not, it's definitely not. It's certainly not the rugby union of the art scene, is it? No, no, painting in general and all types of art in Australia very much, you know, they're a big part of our history. But yeah, you know, you don't commonly associate the art gallery of New South Wales with Belmore Oval, for example.
But you tend to buck the trend a little bit with that, Abdul, you grew up in a boxing gym. Yeah, well that's pretty much true. Both my older brother boxed, my brother-in-law boxed, so the three boys in my family, the three Abdul brothers, we all went to art school. But two of us boxed and my sister owned a boxing gym and was married to a professional boxer who represented Australia in the Oceana Games and that sort of thing. So I guess they're the two family businesses, boxing and art.
So that was over in Perth? That was over in beautiful, beautiful Western Australia.
So that is kind of an example we would use for someone who walks in two different worlds. You're keeping two campfires burning between combat sports and spending hours late night in a painting studio. Totally. Like I wouldn't say that I boxed these days, but like I boxed when I was a kid and then worked at a boxing gym for 10 years in Perth afterwards. And when I was in art school, I worked at the boxing gym and I was always a little bit too boxing for art school and a little bit too art school for the boxing gym. So it's kind of a foot in both places. It's kind of like architects, you know, they're a bit too creative to be engineers, but you know, not analytical enough to be an engineer, but not analytical enough to be an artist. That makes a lot of sense. So would you say that art has, you make the point you're a bit too boxing for art and a bit too art for boxing, but boxing would definitely help art more than art helps boxing if you were going to pick a career. Oh massively so. All the training and that sort of shit, like it gets you in the right mindset.
I remember being at the boxing gym and I can't remember, I was like 22 or 23 or something like that. And for some reason, a journalist from the local paper came in to interview the boxers and trainers about their thoughts in the upcoming election. And the other fighters, they were like gun laws and criminal association laws and jet ski laws. And then I popped up at the end, I was like, oh, refugee rights and I think marriage equality is a good thing for the rest of the week. And the names that I was called, so it was the guy that cares about more than just guns and jets. I can imagine colorful, a lot of colorful identities in boxing gyms to begin with.
And in the art world too, to a degree, I mean, it's not full of squares either. Did you find that when you, when you moved to the East coast and you met some of these big wigs? Oh yeah. Cause it was, I came over with big eyes, you know, like the first time I came over to Sydney for art stuff was for the Archibald prize and got to meet all these people that I studied when I was in school.
And you were a finalist? Yes, a finalist. So your first time in Sydney was as a finalist for the Archibald prize?
I technically know cause I lived here in Bankstown in 1995 for a year when I was a kid. But this is the first time as an adult and by myself and seeing the place. First time you've been by the bay, I guess, just down there on the harbor at the art gallery. I still struggle calling it the bay.
I keep calling it a river because the big swans, it looks, it looks just like a smaller version of the Swan river though. I mean, you know, it's just a big opening and then it gets even bigger and it's the ocean. Totally. And there's a bridge that goes across it. It's not a river. What is it?
But we don't have a boat house. Maybe we do. I don't know. One thing that is different is you're certainly not allowed jet skis on Sydney harbor. They don't have a boat house in Sydney. Do they? Well, I don't know. Down by the Arcana, New South Wales, there are plenty of really nice boats, so maybe they don't have houses for them. But they haven't got the boat house.
Abdul, I think you're talking about the Navy. Now, you come from a Muslim Australian family.
Three brothers. Did all three brothers get into art?
Yeah, they did. Yeah, right.
So the oldest one, he went into art, then mucked around for a while, drove a taxi for a few years and then went to the diploma of education and then went into teaching in juvenile justice centers and then adult prisons. And now he runs tertiary education in all regional prisons in WA.
So he's still very much involved in art. And then Abdul Rahman, the middle brother, we joke around that he was the most enthusiastic about it because he did first year at art school five times and dropped out four times and then eventually went back in his mid thirties. Dropping out of art school is, to do it once is, you know, that's a real enthusiastic artist, as you put it yourself. Now I've seen your brother's work. He does a lot of sculptures and stuff like that. Your medium's mostly painting from what I've seen. But your brother's done amazing wax and timber sculptures and all kinds of stuff like that.
There is a stark difference between the two brothers though. And I've seen, I've read in interviews, you talk about this, about as young Muslim kids growing up in WA, your experience was very different to your older brothers in that he kind of was able to grow up in WA when Muslims were considered eccentric and basically like Hare Krishna. So we just don't know much about these guys. We see him at the corner shop, we see him in airports and that was about it.
And the irony being that, you know, you are a seventh generation Australian Muslim. Like you've arguably been here longer than most of these people who are uncomfortable around topics of Islam and stuff like that. That is a peculiarity about me and my brothers, I guess, and me and my whole family is that we are seventh generation Australian.
I'm a direct descendant from a convict who got here in 1815 after stealing two stamps and a watch chain in London, then got deported, not deported, transported, totally a watch chain. I don't know why he got the stamps for. And he ended up dying of the hero of Waterloo, which is still there. I'd like to get kicked out of there and as I get kicked out, complain that I've been, we've been drinking in this pub for 200 years.
And your mother, Malaysian Muslim. Yeah, that's right. So the experience I was saying between you and your brother and it shows in the art, I guess, is that you were a kid during 9-11. He was already a grown man, so he kind of got to grow, his formative years were a different experience. And he knew how to throw hands. Yeah. Well, you're a boxer, so it's not a, it might be a bit easier, not a typical Muslim Australian kid upbringing. The fact that you are also, and every other kid knew that you probably lived in a boxing gym and they were like, ah, you know, probably not worth saying.
Well, at this stage, my brother had already dropped. Well, when 9-11 happened, my brother had already dropped out of art school a couple of times. He was living a different life, but, uh, but yeah, I was like 14 or 15 when it happened. So it was a really formative experience for me. So it kind of overnight, I joke around that before 9-11, I was a three B's. I was broke, brown and beautiful. And then after 9-11, I was existential threat. And at that age, especially, I don't have the language to articulate or to understand what was becoming a public enemy overnight.
Exactly. Like I felt it beforehand and like growing up in the suburb, I did, you were either like Asian, Islander, Aboriginal or Aussie and the Aussies were the white kids. So we never really associated with those terms. And also even the Muslim experience in Perth is slightly different to what I found in Sydney where here it's a very Arab centric and I don't think that's disparaging of anyone. It's just like kind of the way that it is and the way the migration is. Or the mosques as well, or how they're laid and yeah. Totally all the mosques are generally associated with an ethnic group and in Perth there is a little bit of that, but it's a smaller community and it's a lot more like Southeast Asian orientated. Well, it was when I was growing up. Cocos Island, are they Muslim?
Yeah.
It's an official Australian flag. It's the only one that's got a crescent moon on it.
The Cocos Islands, like I knew a lot of Cocos Island kids when I was growing up and what was interesting about them is that none of them, the ones that I knew anyway, didn't know what year they were born in. So it was always, they could have been like in primary school, they couldn't been anywhere between eight years old and 11 years old, like it was a strange thing. And there was an older guy that the family knew because the names get so funny because the history of the Cocos Islands and the slave history, it's fascinating, but the names get all twisted around.
So a family friend was called Benson Bin Hedges. The things that get picked up. Benson Bin Hedges.
That's two words that we hear together quite often. And so it is interesting having such a kind of, oh, you know, you've had a different upbringing to most artists, I guess. I know there are Muslim Australian artists out there, but have you found yourself caring about different shit to, you know, a lot of people in the art world and particularly because art is used as such a platform for statements and stuff like that, do you find, you know, growing up in a boxing gym, Muslim family that maybe you're kind of maybe in another world to, you know, your average kind of. Yeah. Like I can say that I don't feel as connected to the history of that type of Australian art that's existed. Like, I don't feel that I, well, appreciative is the wrong word, but I don't, I don't feel that I owe them a great deal. But when I look at other artists like Richard Bell and Vernon R. Key and proper now they're collective Aboriginal artists from, from Queensland, I see what they're doing is so much more relatable than these other artists and these older artists.
And what is the establishment? Yeah. The establishment is the greatest way to put it. Yeah.
But the interesting thing is people listening at home who don't know much about art, don't know much about you, don't know much about Islam would kind of be envisioning now this guy that just paints a lot of Muslim stuff, but that's not the case. You got in your first start as an Archibald finalist was with a portrait of Anthony Mundine, was it? No, it's actually kind of more Muslim stuff. So I painted Waleed Ali. Yeah, got the ball rolling with Waleed.
Totally. And then you kind of get like, I mean, also Mundine is Muslim as well. We should be clear on that. Yeah, but that's definitely more the boxing side here.
And then of course you've gone on to paint, you know, police officers from Cronulla and all kinds of people. And you've got a lot of different themes in your work. What has it been like with this? I mean, for one, you're an outsider cause you come from WA, you know, WA in general, but then, and then entering these establishments like the art gallery in New South Wales or, you know, all these shows in Brisbane, what is it like with that kind of outsider status? Do you feel it when you're walking through the sandstone halls? Well, I think having that outsider status is kind of advantageous.
Like I've described Perth as an incubation hub for talent and maybe it meant more a few years ago when Eskimo Joe and that were doing stuff, but it's sort of like, hell yeah, Jebediah. Leaving home was a great song. Everyone in Perth knew someone from Jebediah.
I suppose it happens now with Tame Impala. Wow. What's your, say now, what's your connection to Tame Impala? My connection is that one day I woke up in Fremantle on, on Kevin's couch. Never met him, but like apparently I partied with one of them the night before. Pretty good connection. That's a one degree. From Troy Buswell to Abdul, they all have a Tame Impala story.
But being that outsider, I think I kind of look at it as an advantage because I didn't grow up in Sydney with all the bullshit around the art stuff or I didn't grow up idolizing particular artists. It was just sort of like, I kind of popped in and everything was an eccentricity for me, everything. It was a novelty. So I got to come in with really positive vibes and not coming through the art school system here, even though I did my masters in Sydney, but like not coming through undergrad, I wasn't involved in any of the local sort of politics and I didn't know who was who. So I just went up and talked to everybody.
Yeah. I mean, I said you paint about a whole range of different things, but by virtue of your name, Abdul Abdullah, so much of your work gets interpreted as like radicalized Muslim stuff or just Muslim specific artwork. Can you give us some examples of that? I mean, there was one high profile kind of incident where it was like painting about something completely different was perceived as terrorism or whatever it was with the entertainers painting. Yeah, that was the collage, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right.
So I did this painting in 2013 called Entertainers, which is looked like a balaclava head to be fair, but it was a painting of like the black silhouette of somebody's head and then the eyes and nose and mouth. But one eye belonged to Beyonce, one eye belonged to Kanye West and the mouth belonged to Madonna. And there was a photo of me standing in front of that in the local paper in WA, so in the West Australian, and people saw my name, they saw what I look like and they go, well, that must be a terrorist. And they saw the balaclava head and they saw that looks like a terrorist and this is a state gallery, so it's taxpayer funded, so their tax dollars are going to support terrorism. And then there was letters to the editor, there was complaints of the gallery, a petition to stop the show, people came in to make threats.
It was just kind of an uproar, but that's been like an ongoing thing for me. Yeah.
So even the first time I was in the Archibald, which I had no public profile at all, and even now it's a very small platform, very niche for art sort of stuff. But at the time, there was really nothing online.
But I painted Walid Ali, and as soon as that picture got online, people saw the painting of him and you knew who he was, even though he wasn't on TV yet, he'd just written a book called People Like Us, which I really enjoyed. And he saw my name and the combination of my name and the portrait of him really just really pissed some people off. His name. Yeah, his name.
And the religious dress you painted him in, the crescent moon in the background. If you came up there, it was like you pressed a button and the Assam would play. It got a bit too Muslim for him really, is that what you're saying?
Yeah, and it was just like a spade of emails. And they must have looked hard to find my email address.
And at first it just really pissed me off. And when you get the first one, you go, oh, this person's an idiot. And then you get like half a dozen more in that day, and then half a dozen the next day. And then they might have all been the same friends, you know, but it still pisses you off.
But it's like Walid who convinced me to shift directions in my practice because he knew about my political interests. So he said, instead of getting angry about this, and you you want to add something positive to the conversation, so do it with your art practice. And that's kind of what led me down the path that I went on. Yeah.
With that kind of backlash you get just from, you know, people at home, what do you think that is? I mean, it's very hard to kind of dissect in this podcast Islamophobia in Australia, because it's existed ever since the Ottoman Empire and Broken Hill and all that kind of stuff. But back then, for that example, I'm talking about with a couple of Afghan railroad workers were killed in Broken Hill during World War One, in a mob kind of scenario. They were armed and they were and it was it was an example of homegrown Islamic terrorism. And then of course, the immediate mob Islamophobia.
Back then it was fueled by the newspapers. Do you find that's still the same thing here? Do you find like the backlash you're getting an email as a young artist and you know public profile is coming from like a conditioned kind of country that is conditioned to taking offense to this kind of stuff? Yeah, and I will from the papers from the news, and that's my experience growing up to like, I often talk about the projection of criminality or monstrosity on innocent bodies to justify the unjust seizure of land, labor and resources. Now, that's a pretty, I say that a lot. So that's kind of sounds like it, you know, a sound bite, which, which it is.
But even I remember leading up to the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, it was very much about making people out to be the bad guy, so that you don't feel bad going in there bombing them. And we forget even with those two wars, like Iraq was weapons of mass destruction.
And then the goalpost shifts once they weren't found. And Afghanistan was to get Osama bin Laden. And you know, he wasn't there. He was in Pakistan 15 years later.
Yeah, exactly. What do you do? Yeah. How do you respond to that?
I mean, the similar thing happened up in Makai Regional Gallery. We've done a research on this one on this interview. Yeah. Makai Regional Gallery, you cop some flak for something that, I guess, anyone else could have. Errol Parker could have painted it, Clancy Overall could have painted it, and people would have just walked past. Yeah, maybe enjoyed looking at it. Yeah. And then a man with another ethnic name, you know, took the opportunity to really, you know, score some cheap political points by, you know, objecting to it. Title with that, with that situation. Martin Bella, former origin player, we're talking about now a local counsellor up in central Queensland. Yeah, far out.
I thought it was George Christensen. Well, yes, he's also Greek Orthodox. So it's... Well, he has a Danish surname.
What I was telling my dad about... The multicultural country of people who don't like Muslims. Yeah, I told my dad, when I was telling my dad about all that furor, he was like, he's Johnny Cum Lately, he's telling me what to do. In the seventh generation, Muslim, I cop a break.
In that situation, I had two embroideries up at an exhibition called Violent Assault Arts based on Kai. And one of them was called We Are Young and Free. And the other one's called We All Let Us Rejoice.
So taken from the Australian anthem and had images of Australian soldiers in Afghanistan, but I'd obscured their faces. So you couldn't tell who they were. They're like anonymous figures. So they were more symbols rather than individual people.
Yeah. And then over the top, there's an embroidered smiley face.
And it talked about a few things. It was definitely critical of war and critical of the people that sent people to war. But it also talked about the difference between a perception of someone from the outside and their lived experience. And that's an ongoing trajectory in my practice. I talk about these two things, largely coming from that Muslim background and the difference between how people see me and how my actual actions and beliefs and that sort of the difference between those things.
And then with these soldiers, how they're seen from the Australian public, but also how they're seen by people who they engage with. But essentially along the lines of, the work was along the lines of war is bad. It's bad for the soldiers. It's very bad for the people they engage with. And we, as an Australian public, the soldiers are acting on the behest of the government. The government's acting on behest of us. So we are responsible for them, the good and the bad.
So that's what I was talking about. How was that painting or that artwork perceived? I'm guessing that didn't kind of sink in with the first outraged counselor who saw it on the wall. He very much saw it as an attack on the veterans. And I was having a go at the RSL and things like that. And it was so frustrating because then it went on Sky News and Channel 9. And there was a Channel 9 story where they were interviewing this poor fellow from the RSL and they framed it as like that along the lines of like, this, this is an artist attacking veterans. What do you think of it? And then he said that I was comparing Australian soldiers to Blackbirders and me being naively and ignorantly from WA, like I had to Google that. And it was, it seemed like such a long boat, a long string to put on and say, you know what I mean? It was an overreach, quite a large one too. Particularly in a country where we have a prime minister who didn't know Blackbird existed until about six months ago. So, and then it ended up with people coming into the gallery.
And this is up in Mackay. I'm not anywhere near there, like threatening, like physically threatening the old lady volunteers at the desk. So it's just, this is where it's shit, here's the fan.
And I really am open to different characterizations in my work and people bring different things. And I find that really interesting.
How people perceive what you've done. Yeah. But then it crosses over into sort of like morons being violent or threatening violence. And it goes from a conversation to like something that's quite sketchy. So yeah, that, and I don't know many other artists who experience that sort of shit in Australia. Yeah. So does that, you know, how everything's being misinterpreted, does that, by virtue of that happening in a town thousands of kilometers from where you are or where you're based or where you're from, does that then in turn give you the title of Firebrand? Is that something you now have to deal with, where it looks like all that shit that went on in Mackay. A vanguard. Yeah, provocateur. Everything that went on in Mackay was something you wanted to happen. Is that how you get kind of perceived as well? That's part of the frustration is that I'm doing like, people will see me as I'm doing these stunts where I'm being deliberately provocative.
And it's never the case. It's an activation. Yeah, totally. I'm not here to say that. Muslim Banksy. Now that's a tag you don't want on your time. Totally, totally. Coming up next. But then I'll cop with people saying that I've been the victim mentality. And it's not that.
It's like, I don't ever feel like a victim. It's just that there are heaps of idiots out there. I think the victim here is the 74-year-old volunteer who loves to work at the Mackay Regional Gallery.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Or the man who's got the time at like 2 o'clock on a Thursday to go into an art gallery for the third time in his life and abuse someone. Yeah.
But it was such a, for me, I'll say it was such a transparently political stunt because they shifted that straight into arts funding and attacking arts funding. And this was a waste of money. And then using the lines of like, I believe in freedom of speech, but this has gone too far.
Do you think it would be easier for the common man to get into things like art prizes like the Archibald, the Wind, the Sawman, if you're allowed to punt on it? Well, you are allowed to punt on it. Can you punt on it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And we might talk off the mic, your picks this year. Maybe when they release them, we'll release us.
Where do you find these markets?
Sportsbed, baby. Totally. I've won a fuck. I'm rich. I'll teach you in the last decade. He's got an eye for it, mate. Yeah, I guess.
If you can pick the best artwork, then I guess it's in power to you. Now, not so much the political aspect of your work. Can you tell us something like the Archibald, how that, like, you know, not every country puts all their weight on a portrait prize. Australia seems to. That's the most popular prize.
It can turn you into a household name. What did that do for your career? First time, second time, third time. Like, where does that take you when you finally get that nod from the institutions? It certainly was a big jump. So I went from complete obscurity to sort of participating in the national conversation when that happened.
And that's not the only way to do it in Australia. But it seems to be. It's the fastest. Yeah, it's definitely the fastest.
And if you win the thing, it's like, that's a big old nod. But you're right.
It is a uniquely Australian experience. Because you go anywhere else in the world, and you explain to them that it's a $100,000 portrait prize, that's the only thing that's in all the national papers. People are shocked by it and surprised by it. We go and ask famous people if they can sit down for us for an hour, and then we paint their face. And then, that's what makes us famous. It's such a weird thing, yeah.
But it's always fun. Like, I used to really like it, especially living in, I mean, I still really like it. But when I was living in Perth, it was especially fun. Because it was an excuse to come over to come to this big party in Sydney. And you party for a couple of days, feel like a little bit of a star in this little world, and then go home.
You get to meet Sam Neill. He's probably there. Totally, totally.
Annabelle Crabb's there every year. She's always painted her and gets in.
Yeah, you get to meet all these people you've seen on TV and then, like, Jimmy Barnes. Because in Perth, the celebrities that we have with the West Coast Eagles and the Dockers, over here, you get to see people that are on TV. Of course, there's all the members of the Western Force.
Twiggy? You should ask Twiggy if you can paint him. Big WA painting.
Or Big G. Or Gina, yeah. Yep. Yep, yep. Big money Gina. I'm sure she'd love to be painted. You know, you just have to know.
Someone has, someone does. People paint these people. Yeah, but she never looks like she does in the portrait, though. I mean, it's someone definitely takes a bit of artistic liberties from the painting.
Well, I know that she's an art fan. She's a wonderful poet. Gina is a poet. Yeah, that's on her. She's got a plaque out there somewhere near her mind about the need for paying people less and to ignore climate change.
And it was funny. Like, in the 90s, all the news stories was about, I guess, her step-mum, Rose Porteous, and her pink house, and flamingos, and stuff like that sort of thing. Never heard anything about Gina in the 90s. But Rose Porteous, I think, only got a couple million bucks. Like, it's only a small story.
Gina has consolidated that cash. And that's what they say. First generation makes the money. Second generation consolidates it. And the third goes to art school. Well, I wish my folks had some more money. You took that boxing gym money all the way to the bank.
So are you working on anything now?
I'm going to have my first show back in Perth for almost a decade, in August, with my brother at Moore Contemporary, which I'm really looking forward to. And then a show at Richard Coe Contemporary in Malaysia in September. And I've never shown properly in Malaysia before.
That would be interesting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Of course, with your Malaysian ancestry, is that something that is of note when you're over there, or are you an Australian artist? Well, I very much feel like a motorist when I'm in Malaysia. But my ancestry is interesting.
It's boogies. So it's like a particular tribe where, apparently, the boogeyman came from in English history. But I think that's disputed. But yeah, it's a pretty rough group of pirates, I guess.
Right. OK, well, we'll keep an eye on that. And all the best with the ArtPrize. I'm sure you've entered the Archibald this year. And then we'll find out the winners in the next week. Yeah. But all the best to everyone else who entered. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Romantic_Comedy_Characters_Who_Don_t_Deserve_Love | Today we're going to be talking about romantic comedy characters who don't deserve love. The idea here is that sometimes romantic comedy characters get so gimmicky that they stop being people and start being ideas. Unfortunately, most of these ideas are kind of bad.
One of the movies that I think really typified the trend to some degree started it was Bridget Jones' Diary. It was based on a huge bestseller. It was a hugely popular movie.
And yet it's this movie about a bumbling, hapless, clumsy, foul-mouthed, really shallow woman who doesn't really do much with her life except sit around and wait for somebody to come along and love her for herself. You have no messages. A horrible, horrible self. There's this early scene that kind of sums up everything that is wrong with Bridget Jones where she sees Colin Firth, Mr. Darcy, at a party and she thinks to herself, maybe this is Mr. Right. And then he turns around and he's wearing an ugly sweater and she instantly rejects him. Maybe not. Everything she does is wrong and yet by mid-film she's got men fighting for her, literally fighting over her in the streets.
I should have done this years ago.
If she's so terrible, why was this movie such a huge hit? Well, a lot of it is about the comedy. And you're supposed to laugh at her, but then in the end you're supposed to still feel gratified when she gets a perfect man. Verbally incontinent spinster who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and dresses like her mother. Genevieve, your character is actually a lot more hateful, I think. Yeah, it's kind of crazy how many successful romantic comedies base their romance in deception.
I'm thinking How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Never Been Kissed. But the one that really takes us to the extreme is Failure to Launch starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey.
Sarah Jessica Parker's character has actually made a career out of tricking men into falling in love with her. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original Star Wars trilogy. Parents of man-children who won't move out hire her to form a relationship with their son. The bottom line is, he bonds with me.
He lets go of you. He moves out. And presumably she dumps him?
The justification for her doing this is she fell in love with a man who wouldn't move out of his parents' house, so now I guess she feels the need to prevent other women from going through that trauma. She's like Batman. Who's laughing now? But that still doesn't make up for the fact that she stages the death of a dog. Thanks, Gretchen. Anytime. But presumably she comes to actually care for Matthew McConaughey. |
dropout | clock_suckers_if_you_can_t_beat_em_then_you_re_a_p_ssy | LOVESUCKERS! Raise a new child to save the day! LOVESUCKERS! Yeeaaah!
This week's episode, if you can't beat em' then you're a pussy. I'm old and have lots of old sex. Panch is gross.
We interrupt Golden Girls to bring you this breaking story. A giant fire broke out today at Herbert Hoover High School, killing at least twenty students, three lunch ladies... Man, those kids are so lucky. We'll probably get the rest of the day off.
Oh man, I think that reporter's Wes from high school! Oh yeah it is! He was so hot. Didn't he used to beat the shit out of you?
Uh, I don't know. Define shit.
Whoa, out of my way! Hot pee coming through! Oh hey, don't use the bathroom.
The toilet's busted. My neighbor's in there fixing it. Fixing what now? Good thing your neighbor Frank is a bit of a handyman.
Yeah, no shit. Otherwise I'd have to resort to taking dumps in old Gatorade bottles. Again.
Frank, you done in there or what? Hey, how about you get off my back before I stick this plunger down your throat? Hey, I like this guy. He seems really mean. Hey, what's up? I'm Frank Rizzo. You might want to zip up there, squeaky balls. Hey, isn't that Wes Handler?
Man, that guy used to beat the piss out of you. Whatever, Wes was such an asshole. God, I always wanted to get back at that guy.
Alright, fine. I'll have sex with him for a couple of months, and then I'll break his heart. I appreciate the offer, but I'd like to do something a bit more honorable, thank you. Oh, like going back in time and beating the crap out of a high school kid. Sounds less honorable when you say it like that, but yes. Nice time traveling, Ace.
Oh, what the fuck just happened? I thought this was gonna be some weird orgy thing, and next thing I know I'm falling out of the fucking sky. I don't like the guy-to-girl ratio in this bathtub orgy.
Alright, alright, relax, babies. Now you guys just stay here while I go cripple a 14-year-old. Hold on, I'm coming with you. So, uh, it's a big brim you got on your hat.
Hey, what's up? What are you doing here?
Time traveling. Hey, time traveling, huh? In a bathtub.
So, uh, so this is what I have to look forward to, huh? Yep, pretty much. That's pretty sweet. Well, can you go buy me some beer? Yeah, sure thing. But first thing's first.
Hey, it looks like I'm in a mirror. This is fucking weird. Hey, Wes. You're in for a world of- So, how'd it go, champ? Uh, I'll be honest, it could have gone a little better, but, uh, when I regained consciousness, uh, Kate and Wes were having sex on top of me, so that was nice. It's gonna be in the school paper. So you found out you were a big pussy. Congratulations.
Now, let's get back home. The fucking double mint twins over here are starting to freak me out. You know, we should get one of those tandem bikes when we get back. Yeah, that's a good idea. We're not going home just yet. Come on. Hey, statutory, are you coming?
Yep. My work is done here. God damn it. A 12-year-old? Yeah, it's pretty sad. Yeah, seriously, Ben. I was talking to you, miss, to catch a predator. Oh, he's irresistible. You guys want to get baked? Another one. Holy Jesus. We're gonna need another seat on that bike.
You're watching Wes Handler, Channel 7's Reporter of the Century. I just wish I could have gotten back at that asshole. What you need to do is beat him at his own game. Have sex with Kate? You're trying to make Wes suffer, not me. I think he means being a reporter.
Uh, yeah, I think there's a little problem with that. You're too ugly? Too short? Too stupid? Too gay?
Maybe it's because you're a pathetic low-life douchebag who's never really going to amount to anything more than a little pigeon pussy. I was just going to say I'm not a reporter, but thanks for the confidence boost. Appreciate it.
Look, how hard could this be? We'll stage something newsworthy and get there before Wes does.
That's a stupid plan. You're stupid.
Gross. Concentrate, retard.
Okay, this is Ben Duncan reporting to you first from the Broken Robbers orphanage where a bomb threat has just been called in. I should also report that Wes Handler from Channel 7 isn't here first, and he also wore diapers until he was 11. Hurry, hurry, are we live? Alright, great, let's roll. This is Wes Handler with the Channel 7 action news. The bomb threat was a fake, and we caught the man behind it all. Tanner, I'm gonna kick all three of your asses when I get out, you fucking shitbags! Let's get the hell out of here! Not only did I, Wes Handler, thwart the bomb threat, but I've just caught up with my longtime friend, Ben Duncan.
How've you been, Ben? Uh, you haven't aged a bit since seventh grade. Greg, can we get the old pictures on the screen?
Here's one where you're trying to act mean. Here's another one where it looks like I'm smashing a chair on your back. Oh, and here's one with you crying on the ground while I peed on you.
This has been Wes Handler, the man who thwarted the bomb threat, back to you in the studio. And we're out. Great job, everybody. Now let's get the funk out of here. Kate, pants, lose em, sex, news van, now.
Have you picked a name for the baby? Wesley, little Wesley Handler. Give me that baby!
Who's the tough guy now, Wes? Who's the tough guy now?
They will use the chase in me! It's a girl! With your bitch farting in your new seat! It's a girl!
Oh, it's not a cop, priest! Hello, Wes? I'll be out in a minute. Just make yourself comfortable.
Oh, okay. Oh, did you find it here okay? Uh, yeah, okay.
So have you done this before? Done what? So, what do you got in the bag? Just vodka and condoms. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_sports_mysterious_hand_rash_cnn_cancels_republican_debate_snl | Well, guys, it's 2024, but is it? I don't know about you, but when I think of the year 2020, I never think, we should run that one back. And if you're feeling confused, you're not the only one.
At a rally on Thursday, President Biden said he was mixed up when he claimed he had just taken a photo with a woman who wasn't even there. Then, the next day, Donald Trump repeatedly confused Nikki Haley with Nancy Pelosi. Guys, I don't know if we should do this election. it's honestly starting to feel like elder abuse. and I don't even blame them. I blame us for allowing it. it reminds me of those bum fight videos where they made two homeless guys fight for money, and now we look back on it and we're like, how did we, as a society, let that happen? So I think the best solution is we should just tell Trump and Biden that they both won and that we're very proud of them and that they can rest now. In Monday's Iowa Caucuses, Ron Desantis beat out Nikki Haley for second place. Well, that ought to put whatever this is on his face. South Carolina senator Tim Scott, who looks like someone Drew Ving Rhames with their eyes closed, endorsed Donald Trump, But remember, most Trump supporters only count him as three-fifths of an endorsement. Oh, boy. Donald Trump urged his supporters to brave the sub-zero temperatures in Iowa to vote for him, saying, even if you vote and then pass away, it's worth it. voting for Trump and then passing away is also what happened with Covid. After Trump was photographed with some strange red marks on his hand, some dermatologists speculated it could be something called hand herpes. what the hell is hand herpes? said Tim Scott. John Kerry announced that he is stepping down as the U.s. Climate Envoy and is expected to focus on President Biden's reelection campaign. And it's not a great sign that Biden's campaign is a bigger emergency than climate change. In an interview on Fox News, Presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America has, quote, never been a racist country. because if Americans were so racist, why do they have sex with their slaves?
I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight. I really am. Donald Trump posted an image of Nikki Haley made up to look like Hillary Clinton. And honestly, I couldn't tell if it was bad photoshop or a good picture of Mark Cuban in a wig.
Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogate motherhood, which he says violates the dignity of the woman and the child. Plus, the Catholic Church doesn't want extra kids around while they're trying to quit. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_ego_nwodim_and_christmas_joke_swap_2023_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. thank you. Good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
After being found liable for defamation against two Georgia election workers, Rudy Giuliani was ordered yesterday to pay the hilarious sum of $148 million. you might as well just make it a billion. because there's no way he can pay it. At this point, they only called Giuliani, the Mayor of 9-11 because that's all that's left in his bank account. Giuliani, amazingly seen here in better times, said during the trial that it was an accident that he attacked the plaintiffs repeatedly on social media, with the judge noting, there's a lot of accidents going on. said Giuliani, oh, you could smell that?
Yesterday, President Biden released a new video with Barack Obama in which they remind people that Obamacare is still available. but according to polls, people really want to know if Obama is still available. During Congress's final day before the holiday break, the house passed legislation that would end a ban on whole milk in school cafeterias. Finally, let's get these kids thick. No. Republican Representative Derek Van Orden, who looks like if Santa stormed the Capitol, argued in front of legislation to bring whole milk back to school cafeterias, saying that almond milk wasn't milk because, quote, milk comes from a mammal. Then he whipped out his nipple and said, allow me to demonstrate. Oh, man. officials at Harvard announced that the school President, Dr. Claudine Gay, will keep her job after she apologized for her poorly received Congressional testimony in which she seemed to downplay campus anti-semitism. in her heartfelt statement, Gay said, quote, did I do that? Nikki Haley received an endorsement from New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu, which would be helpful if anyone knew who that was.
A new report shows that for the first time, the majority of billionaires last year received their fortunes through family inheritance, And not to brag, but I inherited my family's learning disabilities. I'm really proud of you. A Christmas photo released by the Royal Family features a bad photoshop job where Prince Louis' finger appears to be missing. And this is sweet. Meghan Markle said she has a finger they can use if they need it. a survey by the American Psychiatric Association finds that nearly a third of Americans are more stressed out this year than last holiday season. Here to comment is: Rich Aunty with no kids. tell me some premise, Michael. I am too blessed to be stressed. Well, I'm glad you're feeling so good, but for a lot of people, the holidays are very stressful. really? What was that? Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. you think so? Yeah, because I ain't got no kids.
I am loving life, Michael. Miss Veranda, stay dodging bullets. I am all about the push-off method. The push-off method? mm-hmm, mm-hmm. whenever I'm getting freaky with a dude, and he even looks like he about to finish, I push his ass up off me. like, uh-uh, not up in here. do that and that's outside. outside? yeah, he can't even do it inside, because that's risky, baby. okay, but this time of year is stressful for people with children. you have any advice for them? I'd say, you know, focus on your Christmas traditions. that's good advice. what are some of your traditions? Every year, I show up to my sister's house after the cooking's done, make myself a plate, use her bathroom, because I ain't stinking up mine with all that Christmas meat. Then I drive home, take me a little eucalyptus bubble bath, and rewatch my favorite Christmas movie of all time, Django Unchained. Hey, Michael, hey, Michael. Django may be unchained, but he could tie me up any day. Really do your job, huh?
I don't think so, Auntie. uh-uh-uh-uh, don't call me that. you sound just like my sister's kids. Auntie This, Auntie That, y'all need to call me Veranda. just because my sister got knocked up, don't mean my name changed. Well, speaking of your family, have you ever thought about hosting them for the holidays? Hell, no, I ain't hosting nobody. What I look like, Ryan Seacrest? My sister cannot come up in my house with all them damn kids. Well, how many kids does she have? Two. just two? Yeah, and they can't stay in my guest room either. that's where my kids stay. Chanel, Gucci, Ferragamo, Smith, and Webster's.
You have a gun? Yeah, I got a gun. But shh, don't tell nobody, because I ain't got a license. Oh, damn, I'm on live Tv, ain't I? Michael, I am cutting up today. Careful, baby, I'm about to steal your dog.
Welcome to weekend Update with Colin Jokes and veranda. So you don't let your niece and nephew visit you at all? I mean, do you at least get them gifts? Of course I do. I'm their rich auntie, after all. what would you get them last Christmas? I gave one of them deodorant and the other one advice. and the advice was, use that deodorant. do you even like your niece and nephew? absolutely, come on now. don't get me wrong, I love kids. you do? no, sir. hold on, hold on. for real? it's your boss, Lauren Mitchells. she said, girl, you're cutting up. you're updating the weekend from now on. Okay, rich auntie with no kids, everybody.
A new report shows that Loma Linda, California, is the city most likely to become a Blue Zone, which is an area where people are healthier and live longer, while the town least likely to become a Blue Zone is once again, Breakfast Fettuccine, Texas. a new study finds that the top reason more teenage boys are virgins is that they haven't found the right person yet, which suggests a critical nationwide shortage on skanks. a museum in France is using an Ai-generated version of Vincent Van Gogh to answer visitors' questions about his paintings. unfortunately, the Ai keeps responding to questions with. what? New Jersey Police recapture. New Jersey police recapture an escaped pig named Albert Einstein. they call him Albert Einstein because compared to people in New Jersey, pigs are geniuses.
Oh, man. Wow. Federal officials have charged two men for allegedly killing more than 3,000 protected birds, including bald eagles.
But on the other hand, best weekend of our lives. Well, tonight, guys, is our Christmas show, and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read. So, making each other read jokes, live on air that the other person has never seen before. right, and the idea is to give each other, you know, like fun jokes. that could be fun. Yeah, sure, But before we start, there's someone very special here who was last on this show, season three, 46 years ago, poet, author, and activist. please welcome Dr. Hattie Davis. Yeah, Colin, you can start with your first joke. Hi.
Oh, my God. a group of geneticists have announced plans to bring back the dodo and reintroduce it to Africa. And if you ask me, I can think of at least one dodo I'd like to reintroduce to Africa. a woman's an activist, Colin.
Last month, Beyonce posted a photo on Instagram of herself in a chrome Versace dress and platinum blonde hair that many people online described as too white. in fact, Beyonce looked so white that I was finally attracted to her. that is. Wow. the Adult Survivors Act, which allowed sex abuse victims to file lawsuits even after the statute of Limitations expired, has resulted in several new suits. Figures, because bitches love bringing up old stuff. .with King.
Mj, the musical about the life of Michael Jackson has become one of the highest-grossing shows on Broadway. In my review of the acting is the same as my opinion of Mj's trial, Michael is amazing, but the kids are not believable at all. that it's the holidays, and I want to end on a positive, uplifting note, especially with all the turmoil in the Middle East right now. .heart, whether you're Jewish or Muslim, y'all need Jesus. that was a great message. that's a great message.
If people could find you on Instagram, that's cool. New York State now allows movie theaters to serve alcohol, which is how I'm finally able to enjoy my wife's little art movie. I'm kidding, honey. I love all of your movies, and if you ask me, you're an even better black widow than Coretta Scotting. |
TheOnion | Real_Estate_Experts_Confirm_Having_George_Clooney_Living_In_Attic_Greatly_Increases_Property_Value | 1.6 trillion dollars. That's how much student loan debt Americans have now accumulated, and today it seems the problem may be getting worse. Hear why the student loan crisis may be preventing many millennials from subscribing to our newly launched Patreon, despite the incredibly low monthly subscription fee. And later, as Robert Pattinson continues to recover from COVID-19, we'll sit down with the doctors treating him who will give us an update on their progress of obtaining the actor's autograph. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. There are some things money can't buy, but the news ain't one of them, so dig a little deeper into those pockets, and stay with us. Debt being taken on by Americans due to student loans has ballooned into a full-fledged crisis in recent years, with the total amount surpassing 1.6 trillion dollars nationally, and the situation appears to only be worsening. A study published today by the Public Radio Center for Education Statistics found that student loan debt is making it even more difficult for millennials to enjoy basic amenities, like subscribing to The Topical's Patreon, despite the extremely low price membership tiers. For more on this worsening financial situation, we're joined now by OPR Executive Editor Rachel Linn.
Thank you for joining us. My pleasure, Leslie. Rachel, if people can't afford a basic necessity like this, it seems like this crisis has really gotten out of control. That's right, Leslie.
According to the study you mentioned, delinquency rates on student loans have doubled since 2012, with over 30% of young professionals reporting they are struggling to afford our extremely generously priced tier options that start at just $5 a month, and offer even more of the signature blend of news and analysis that listeners have come to expect from Onion Public Radio. It's a real travesty. Now, you mentioned these Patreon tiers start at just $5 per month, and to most of us that doesn't sound like a lot, especially when you consider all the unique, one-of-a-kind content available only to patrons. But even something as reasonably priced as this seems to be a stretch for some financially.
Is it possible that we could get them hooked early on? Maybe while they're still in college, and before they're plunged into financial ruin? We had hoped so.
But what you have to realize is that many of these kids are not only full-time students, they're also working multiple jobs in order to stay ahead of their loan payments. If students default, they can be forced to pay interest rates and penalties. And when faced with this dire financial reality, many have made the difficult decision to forgo early access to episodes of the topical, and even exclusive access to your weekly Leslie's Mail Sack segment.
Ah, just tragic.
Now, many politicians have called for putting an end to this crisis and passing a student debt forgiveness policy, presumably so they too can enjoy offerings like the new original OPR programming available on our $10 tier, as well as the chance to hear me personally thank them by name on air. Are there any policy proposals like this gaining traction in Congress? Well, people saddled with this kind of debt have been holding out hope for years now. Ever since Democrats from the progressive wing of the party introduced legislation that would offer relief to public radio audiences. But now, voters are just less optimistic about full forgiveness becoming a reality. They feel like their lawmakers have lost touch with a common podcast listener.
And when you consider that a sitting US senator is pulling in $174,000 a year, and has no problem affording our highest $25 membership tier, which offers exclusive merchandise and even the chance to be a featured source on an episode of the topical, it's easy to see why. Sorry, did you say $174k?
Holy shit. Yeah. Ah, well, I think it's a disservice.
Those fat cats in Washington should be helping our listeners give more money to this giant media corporation, and I for one will not stand by silently and watch them do nothing. Today, I, Leslie H. Price, am announcing my candidacy and intention to serve as your representative in the United States Congress.
Uh, Leslie, I don't think that's such a good idea. Why not? Well, you know, the manslaughter. Oh, come on. That only happened twice, and it was like a month ago.
I really don't think anyone's even going to notice.
Okay, whatever you say. Anyway, thank you, Rachel, and best of luck getting all these cheapskates to sign up for your Patreon. I wish you and everyone here at OPR all the best, but now I'm off to Washington, and I'm hungry for change. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Back in a moment.
Even as the economy continues to plummet, more Americans are looking to become first-time homeowners, and if you're in the market to sell, OPR economic reporter Marcy Hammond is here to share with you one simple trick that is apparently guaranteed to increase your property value. 🎵 I am a man 🎵 That's right, Leslie. After analyzing decades' worth of housing market trends, real estate experts noticed across the board that having George Clooney living in your attic is one of the best things you can do for your home's resale value.
Oh, wow. I thought you were going to say granite countertops. Then why did you play that clip from Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? Oh, I'm watching it on my iPad. I'll pause it, though. Go ahead. Oh, okay.
I spoke with six-time Gentrification magazine award-winning real estate agent Suzanne Arazo to find out what harboring the actor, director, and two-time sexiest man alive in your attic can mean for the value of your home. Finishing an attic or grungy crawl space with Oscar-winning actor George Clooney shows a 10% annual rate of appreciation. Letting him scrounge around the area above your living quarters, sleeping in the rafters, and watching everything your family does through the air vents, it's one of the surest bets you can make in the real estate market right now.
It may be an investment, but I tell all my clients, if you're thinking of redoing your kitchen or upgrading to double-pane windows, forget it. Save yourself the trouble and go with the Clooney.
Interesting. I had a neighbor with a Patrick Stewart in his foyer once, but you could tell they didn't take care of him. Stunk like old tea bags.
What's the maintenance like on a Clooney? Assuming he's installed correctly, relatively minimal. High-grade versions of the Sirianna Star are extremely self-sufficient and sometimes even self-cleaning.
Suzanne said that even after 40 years in the business, she's still surprised by how a seemingly simple addition, like a single Hollywood leading man squatting in an otherwise overlooked part of the house, can make a space feel completely different. Alright, you've convinced me, I'm sold, but how do I get a Clooney for my own attic? Well, Suzanne says that part can be tricky, since there's only one to go around, and demand has only grown since a photo of him accompanied by the hashtag Attic Makeover went viral on Pinterest. Here she is again. The most valuable Clooney home I've personally seen came with the original E.R. era George. Today it's more luck of the draw, and I would be remiss not to mention that, though an increase in value is all but guaranteed, you do risk catching the former Batman in a pranking phase, which can result in damage to your home.
What if I can't afford him? Is there a lower-cost alternative? Maybe something like a starter hunk so that newer homeowners can work their way up to a larger star?
Suzanne advised all buyers to beware of knock-offs. There is only one certified George Clooney after all, so if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I know that my husband and I were almost hosed by a contractor once ourselves. He claimed to have a direct source of the one fine day love interest, but when we looked at the fine print, we noticed it was actually a 29-year-old electrician named George Clooney, spelled with an I-E at the end. Yeah, that's why I always verify contractor offers against the official George Clooney IMDB page.
Other experts encourage buyers to gamble on a more modern style, something in the Timothee Chalamet, but you do run the risk that what's popular now may go out of style. Yeah, I remember in the 70s when everyone was putting Von Dams around their house. So tacky. Yeah, in other cases, even some supposedly time-tested Oscar winners can bring more problems than they're worth. I spoke to two families that tried to cut We'd been looking for a home for years, holding out hope that we'd find something in our price range with a Clooney before finally settling for something in a Matt Damon.
Didn't love it. We went over him with seven coats of paint, but we still can't get rid of him.
I just wish we put in the Clooney when we had the chance. Guy down the block putting the Clooney sold his place for 400 times the asking price. The whole neighborhood went up in value, except our place. We went with the prime Kevin Spacey. We were told by the seller its appeal would outlast the house itself. Now we can't give the thing away. God damn it. Should have put in the Clooney. A cautionary tale for all homeowners.
Thank you, Marcy. My pleasure. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond. We'll be back in a moment.
Owls. When we're putting on our PJs, they're just waking up to start their day. And when we're waking up, they're in their nests, putting on PJs of their own.
But why?
Charles, are you there? Who's asking? Who? Me, the topical's host, Leslie Price. Oh, you meant who like an owl says who.
That is just too cute. Oh, God. Charles, tell us more about this study, a little scam. Gladly.
In a groundbreaking report released in the scientific journal Nature, ornithologists at Bowdoin College in Maine made the case that all owls struggle with a severe cocaine addiction that keeps them up from sunset to the wee hours of the morning. Here's the study's lead researcher, Dr. Nathaniel Wheelwright. Our findings suggest that owls are alert throughout the night due to their penchant for snorting lines of blow in dark forests and empty barns, either alone or with their owl buddies. These birds stay yipped up for hours, ripping rails pretty much nonstop between their hunt for small mammals and insects. Their dilated pupils and darting head movements are telltale signs that these birds party hard. Sounds like a big drug problem for such little cuties. Charles, what led researchers to conclude that owls go gaga for booger sugar? Well, Wheelwright and his team examined dozens of owl species and discovered several common behaviors that tip them off that the birds may be hardcore drug users. And when you say hardcore drug users, this isn't just taking a bump off someone's talon at a crazy owl party. You're saying all owls are using copious amounts of coke?
Correct. This is much more serious than that. Here's Dr. Wheelwright again.
In our clinical examination of great horned owls, we see all the hallmarks of extreme cocaine use. Owls routinely suffer nosebleeds, insomnia, and a major lack of appetite, which is why they tend to swallow their food whole. Mentally, all 225 species of owl are prone to extreme mood swings, paranoia, and rash decision making due to their dependence on the yayo. Many owls struggle financially, with the majority of birds having no money at all as anything they can save goes to feed their habit.
That's terrible. I love their fluffy feathers and big coke addled eyes. These owls need to get clean. Highly unlikely for these majestic creatures. Everyone knows an addict has to decide for themselves that they're ready to stop using. And sadly, owls just fucking love cocaine. Oh dear. Yeah, I guess you could say that when it comes to sobriety, owls don't give a hoot.
It was a very sad story, but I gotta give you credit for ending it on a high note. Me? You already did that one.
Oh, I just love it. Oh, thank you, Charles. Oh, we'll be right back.
Well, folks, after a very quick and surface level vetting process, it looks like I won't be running for office this year or ever really. So it looks like the student loan problem isn't going away anytime soon. Good thing all of your mommies and daddies are still around to pay for everything.
So instead of serving as your lawmaker, I think I'll just return to my post here as your one and only source of vital information. Now let's get you informed. Here's what else you need to know today.
President Trump is looking to do some damage control today after coming under fire for some quotes attributed to him and Bob Woodward's latest book Rage. The president is planning to again sit down with Woodward for a dozen or so more interviews in an effort to mitigate some of the damage done by the original interview.
Well, that's just smart politics.
And exciting news in tech today, Apple has unveiled their latest model of the popular Apple Watch, which now comes complete with rabbit ear antennas that can pick up around five local channels. Apple CEO Tim Cook announced the new Apple Watch Series six at a keynote address where he demonstrated the watches ability to receive local affiliates of NBC, PBS and the CW with minimal static, so long as you don't go anywhere and hold really still.
And finally, a bit of alarming news as experts have confirmed that you're next leading officials, as well as top researchers, have duly concluded that there's nothing you can do to stop it and not to worry as it will all be over soon. Tough break.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode of the topical, well, then I have a pretty big announcement that may come as quite a pleasant surprise to you. That's right. As of today, you, our loyal friends and listeners, can sign up to become a member of the topical's Patreon. Membership tiers start at just $5 a month and you'll get access to all kinds of exclusive news content and merchandise. And right now we have an exclusive behind the scenes look at what it takes to make an episode of the topical each and every day. Here's a clip. Although the day's off to a racing start across all departments, one can argue that work for the day's topical episode actually started the evening before at Leslie's home.
Each night before he goes to sleep, the topical host starts gathering all the day's news by placing sensor pads on his temples that are connected to a loud 200 degree Fahrenheit machine twice the size of his bed. The machine was specifically built to collect every news article and broadcast from across the world and then convert them into brainwaves. Those waves are then sent through the sensors on Leslie's temples and into his temporal lobes, providing him constant jolts throughout his sleep, just like they did last night.
Fascinating people behind the curtain and it's only available on Patreon. So sign up to become a patron today at www.patreon.com slash The Topical. It's a great way to support a giant media conglomerate, and it'll really help me out with my holiday shopping this year.
So what are you waiting for? Go sign up now. We'll see you tomorrow. |
dropout | dads_are_getting_their_decks_wet | This is for all my suburban dads out there who kept the outside water off all winter long to make sure those pipes don't freeze. Everybody's talking about my deck.
And everybody wants to get it wet. It's Memorial Day and the summer's here. So what do we want? Hot dogs and beer.
My kids call me dad. My wife calls me Dale, but my deck's so stained I should be in jail. But Dale, what color is that stain? Hush neighbor, just be quiet.
I'll tell you where I went to buy it. You probably thought it cost upwards of millions. No way! Check the prices out at Sherwin-Williams. Sure, I'll check the discount aisle.
So pull out that hose and turn that nozzle time to get the deck wet. Let's go full throttle! Get your deck wet, get your deck wet, come on neighbors, get your deck wet.
Dale's always talking about his deck. And Dale always wants to get it wet.
It's hard to take a shower when the water pressure's low, but Dale always insists, but I'm not a hoe. This is a hoe. A hoe is a tool to move small amounts of soil. My wrap of choice? 10-4-0!
Everybody's talking about his deck. And everybody wants to get it wet!
Hey son, before you leave, let's have a chat. Oh no, I don't want to have the talk. I'm 16, I know how to walk the walk. I've had a girlfriend now and we're going steady. Don't believe me? Hey dad, meet Betty.
Dale? I cannot take a freaking shower. So I fucked my wife on the rig. |
dropout | kristen_bell_s_strong_hands | Wow, you've got wonderful hands. Thank you. I hate my hands.
Really? No.
There's a real strength in your hands. Strength? Yeah. They're like the hands of a 12-year-old PlayStation addict. But you know what? But they're something very feminine and strong there.
Appreciate that. Well, you're delightful. So, if you don't mind saying, you're engaged to Dax Shepard, who I adore, and you do too. That guy is just so much fun. He's top shelf. Boy. Yeah. He's just got great energy and that, you know, he's a big guy and he's got a lot of positive energy. You two together is perfect. I like it a lot. Thanks.
When was the first time a boy professed his love for you? Um, when I was, well, first of all, I'm not, this isn't like the first thing, this is only the first thing that comes to mind. It hasn't been like, I'm not knocking people down wherever I go.
No, no, no. But when I... Yes, you are. You might not be aware of it. But go ahead.
I don't know. I don't think so.
I'm a lot to handle. There you go. I don't know where to go with you. You are just so much. You are... Too much? No. You are like an ocean and a continent all in one.
That's Dax Shepard. He says hands full. Well, I like it.
Hey, can I come to your wedding? Sure. I don't think we're going to have a wedding, but you're welcome to come over anytime. Can I come to your not wedding?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. I got to say, I don't know. You are just beyond delightful. You are... Hey, thanks. Yeah.
So you've been acting since you were how old? I started doing plays when I was maybe 11. I guess... Well, I was trained up-retically when I was little.
What is... Mostly... Do you mind favoring me with a little bit of your Italian opera?
Not a chance. You won't do it? No.
Yes, you will. But you're so mighty. If you close your eyes for a second, okay, there you go.
And I'm going to ask you to open them in a little bit, and then I want you to give me dead shark eyes. One, two, three, go, shark eyes. Oh, wow. Wow, those are good, dead shark eyes.
If you sigh, what's it sound like? Wow, that's a delicate sigh. What if it is a sigh you just want to get something out? |
cracked | we_remade_spider_man_no_way_home_for_20 | Ever since I got bit by that spider, I've only had one week where my life has felt normal. That's when you found out. That's right folks, Spider-Man is in fact Peter Parker! Peter, to what do I owe them pleasure? Sorry to bother you, sir. Peter, we saved half the universe together. I think you will be on your commies. Okay. Daddy.
Well, that sounds weird, but I'll allow it. Oh, Dormammu. Before Mysterio, I was like the coolest kid in school, and I was wondering if you could make it so that I am still. Strange. Don't cast that spell. It's too cool. We don't need to listen to him. I can do whatever I want.
The entire world is about to forget that Peter Parker is Spider-Man! Wait, everyone? Can't some people still know?
That's not really how the spell works. He's gonna forget all those positions I taught her. And then, he's my best friend! Yeah, but he doesn't really fucking matter, does he? Stop tampering with the spell, Parker.
What about Aunt May? Aunt May, that's important!
I said shut the fuck up, you're tampering with the spell! What just happened? It was called a wizard's widow's willow sleeve. When you botched that spell, we wanted everyone to forget the Peter Parker Spider-Man.
Now we start getting smisters. From every universe. Hello, Peter. You should get tested. You're not Toby. Hey, would you say your name once again? Dr. Otto Octavius. Can you give me a hug one of those? Because I don't have a dad. There are others out there. We need to send them back.
Magic words myself. Starting with the word, please. Please.
Scooby-Doo, who wrote this? Zoinks! You're flying out into the darkness to fight ghosts. What do you mean?
They all die fighting Spider-Man. It's their fate.
I'm sorry, kid. Yeah, me too. Don't! Oh, Parker.
There has to be another way. There isn't.
They're a danger to our universe. Peter, you're struggling to have everything you want. You're not gonna take this from me. While the world tries to make you choose. This is all my fault. I can only save like six or so of them.
What's happening? They're starting to come through. I can almost taste it.
Andrew? I always wanted to have a dad like you. With eight arms. To throw with me. And swim with me. I know we could play catch like six times at once. Son, can I call you son already? I know it's been four minutes and your friends are still standing over there.
Yeah, Daddy Otto. Say that again. Yeah, Daddy Otto. That's my new villain, man. You guys all have to call me that now. Up for that. Daddy Otto, Ravages City. Daddy Otto, Sodomites, and Air Force. |
dropout | hallie_part_4_ace_and_jocelyn_episode_6_j_a_archives | What are you talking about? Don't tell me she's already used her amnesia ray on you, that stupid wench. Let's... let's talk about this later. Right now, Jocelyn, time is of the essence. Let me talk to A.A.A.A.A.A.B. president D cap. I'll be right back. Hey, I appreciate what you're doing. But you have to be completely honest with me right now. Are you only doing this? Alright. Because you're 100 percent sure that she actually is a rival accountant from a different agency. If she is, I will fucking lose it on this bitch. You understand me? I will go eat shit for you. Alright listen, straight up. Sorry about that.
He was acting weird. Why do you have a camera? Uh, why have you lied to me?
About what?
About the fact that you're a rival agent from a different agency! God damn it, I trusted you! I don't ever want to see your face again. You're lucky I don't blow it to his sore lap and back. You understand me? Leave! And never come back.
Let's hit it Ace! Ace! And Jocelyn! Ace! And Jocelyn! Take that Jocelyn!
Uh, no. I don't want that. You may want that, so. Okay. Later. I'll just, I have to edit this anyway so it's stupid for us to want to do- |
dropout | leeches_exes_and_loans_full_episode | What do you feel like doing it? Yeah, let's do it. Hell yeah.
Motherfucker.
Selfie. What do I want to take one mark? Kind of, yes. Here. Yeah.
Maybe that was a filling. Maybe you just looked at your fillings.
Alright guys, whenever you're ready. Sam! Hi!
We have a couple cameras. Wonderful. Did you do this? Uh, you know, it's a fun idea. We have cameras available. There's no other shoots today.
You look great! Let me put on my face. You look great!
Um, yes. So. We have a good idea. We just wanted to start filming it now, so we have some like documentary style before they were famous. Yeah. Allie and I both have a lot of student loves. Crippling. And we work at a comedy website focused on college, so we have an idea for you. The company comes up with crazy things for us to do, and if we do them, you give us money for student loans. Like. Gotcha.
Jumping out of a helicopter.
We have. Okay, yeah, I have a bunch of stuff. The idea is like, student loans are such a nightmare. The next 20 years for us are just like kind of shitty every month, barely scraping by, and we're saying like, what if you, like an accordion, push that into just four months of like actual shitty, scary living. And then we're done. We owe so much money each month. It drains my bank account at least. I paid for a bell pepper in Dimes this week. This is like a stunt show, like a challenge show, in which we pay off your student loans.
Yes.
I like that you're calling attention to the student loan problem in a way that's very personal to the both of you, and in a way that's really loud. I think my initial concern would be that if you're putting me in the position of being your torturer, like I have like a legal and ethical responsibility to you guys as your boss, and it's tough to put me in the position where I'm like, you know, inflicting this kind of pain on you. You know what I mean? I mean, what if you guys challenge each other? So like you took turns giving each other a challenge, and then if they failed, then the person who challenged gets the money, so that kind of raises the stakes. So on the one hand, you're pitching a show that's like literally to do with ruining your lives, and you're pitching a show that's to do with like paying off your crippling student loan debt. This is either a terrible idea on your part, or like a brilliant idea, and I guess I'm like eager to see which it is.
Interesting. That sounds like a yes from daddy. I mean, go, can you do one? Go do one. Greenlit. Hell yeah.
Full series. Excuse me. All right. Thanks again. I'm in full series. Thank you very much. Follow us up very quickly while we have the full series order from Sam Reich. Thank you, Sam. Gotcha. Thank you, Sam.
I'm scared for you. Is that the last thing you said?
Good. Hell yes. Yeah, awesome.
We'll meet later and figure out the details. I feel like we just scammed the company. This is someone I owe money to, that they call from time to time. I simply will not answer this phone call. The total that I owe all in is $95,441.73, about $735 a month.
That covers interest, basically. That is just the interest. You know, my parents didn't have any savings, and so I said helpfully, well, why don't I go to a very expensive private school?
Having debt like this, having any kind of debt, I got to imagine, is so, it's so always in the back of your mind. You can never get ahead, something like this big, like an amount of money that's just so big. You're never ahead of it. You know, I'm going to pay this off maybe before I die.
So in addition to working at College Humor, I have a job on the weekends waiting tables. I'm not embarrassed to have to wait tables. There is, I think, cognitive dissonance for people because I do have a good job in entertainment. You know, this is a job that is sought after. I'm very lucky to be working at College Humor, and so I think when people find out that I also have this job waiting tables, it can diminish me a little bit in their eyes.
This is my car. I didn't have a car for a few years because I couldn't afford one, but then I found this car for $500. Why was it $500, you ask?
Oh, because it's leaking oil. What do I use to check the oil?
A sock. Is it my sock? No.
It was just in the car when I bought it. Oh yeah, she's dangerously low. This fell off of my muffler recently, and I picked it up just in case I need it later.
I owe about 60 grand, and I owe this much money after getting half scholarships for every year. I worked super hard and applied, and I was like an RA, I had all these on-campus jobs. It feels really shitty to owe this much money. I just feel constantly behind. I came out of college, and I felt like I was doing it all right. I went high school to college, got a degree, and I graduated, and then they were like, welcome, you are now the shithead part of society that's in insane debt.
You have no credit. The only way to build credit is to get credit, figure that one out.
I don't know how people do it. It really feels like the myth of Sisyphus, I'm just pushing this fucking rock up a hill and it's falling on me. That's truly the first time I've used my philosophy degree since graduating. I'm definitely the more broke one of my friends, which I'm usually able to keep under wraps.
You can get a double shot of espresso over ice, and then they always have milk out there on the counter for people to add to their coffee. You just fill up your cup with that milk, bam, you got an iced latte for probably $3. I saved $2.50, but then I spent $11 on oil. There's got to be a better way.
All right, so the company has tentatively agreed to put forward about $50,000 in prize money towards your student loans for an entire season. We're going to do this first one to make sure it works. We'll start out low, like $500 for this first challenge, and then it'll work up to about $10,000 for the final challenge. So the way it'll be structured is every episode will have two challenges. You will challenge each other, and if you fail the challenge that the other person gets you, they get that money. So in theory, that last episode, one of you could win $20,000. $20,000?
Oh my god. Because of this as a structure, you guys have to really push each other to make these dollar amounts feel worth it. I'm already brewing up ideas that are too far even for you. I have some legal questions for you. Can I get someone to hunt Grant? You have to commit a crime and go to jail. Grant has to drink soap. You have to tell your mom that you were wrong and you're not a lesbian. Oh no! You have to make a test tube baby with someone that I pick.
Fuck, yeah. I mean, that does fit within the parameters. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. So I just have a kid? Now that fun is on the line.
Can I make Allie cut off her finger? Whatever one step below removing a pinky is, that sounds great. If here's the ceiling, cutting off a pinky is right above it.
So right now, I think Grant is going to have to be naked and interview a guy on student loans. Wait, Grant has to be naked? Yeah. Grant loves being naked.
It's supposed to be a chance, but it'll be hard for you. Oh, it'll be hard for me.
Shut up!
What I like about opening with an interview is we get some good information about student loans. Yeah, I want to keep that part, but then you have to be doing something else with it. Is there something Grant will hate more than being naked?
Peace!
We're doing this in the office. We can't... Hang on, that's truly an impossible thing. We're already like scamming the company out of getting them to pay you money, you have to do something.
Wait, what about leeches? Leeches. Leeches and have them on your body and then take your blood.
Oh no. Yes. Yes. What about this?
I guess they use it as medicine. I mean, I don't even know if we can do it in the office. We can. Oh, rash that we can.
Allie's thing right now is eating spicy food, and my thing is... Really spicy food? All you're doing is just eating spicy food. I can eat Thai food.
Give me my student loan. Alright, it's episode one, it's episode one.
That is something we do need a place to build to. I do think that what Grant is doing is like physically scary for him. Something in here has to be so uncomfortable that it's... That it's on the level of a fucking leech. You have to interview somebody.
Okay, okay, okay. Do you have like... All like... A parent you're estranged from? I... No. But what a nightmare. Yeah, what if... Is that... Hi daddy. Do you have an ex that you don't talk to anymore? No. That's great. Yes. What about like a hero or something that I would be nervous about?
Shut the fuck up. What about your Dutch girl? No, stop it. Wait, I'd break up.
What is your Dutch girl? It was a girl. I dated in Holland. She's not my Dutch girl. Yes, the Dutch girl that got away.
That's great. That's insane.
When is the last time you talked to her? Like when you broke up? Do you want this money or not?
Well, we never break up. I love her.
Oh, this is perfect. No, it's not. This is perfect.
Okay, I cannot. I can Skype her. Honestly, like... Ally, you have to or I get your money. Your challenge is you have to call Mirta on Skype for, I don't know, what's a long time. You have to remain continent and emotionally engaged. Is that true for both of us? Yes.
For 30 minutes. For half an hour, we both have to do an interview while we're getting fucked by either leeches or spicy food. If you can't take it before that, like you get too freaked out or I'm like too spicy and I'm knocked out, then we lose.
Very nice to meet you. Thank you for bringing your friends.
Yes. A leech is a very ancient way of healing. It's very good for, like, if somebody has injuries, sports injury or any injury or bruises. That a leech can help. You know, not everything packaged in a very pretty form. Yeah, they look really scary, right? Like, how many leeches are in there? I don't know, maybe 10, 12.
Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm Jazz. Yeah, great to meet you.
We came here because you guys know how to do spicy and my friend Ally would like to try some spicy food, wouldn't you, Ally? Yes. I think that we use it all from Thailand. We don't use American chili. At one bite, it roll out your ear. Do you have one that we could see, like one of the chilies? We can.
Oh. Yeah, this is the right one. Oh. Oh, nice. Is it good?
Really spicy? Ally, you're fucked.
What kind of an animal is it? Is it an insect? Is it a fish? No, it's a worm family. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but this is healing worms that the FDA approved.
Grant is very scared, but I think he'll see and it will be fine. I have never been very good with small animals.
I actually brought pretty large ones. Yes, you did. You did. You did drink some drinks and very large leeches today.
That's why we would just keep it for smart ad people. I'm so wackin' at people. Because we already make spicy, but you think you cool, you... Hey, $5 more will make you happy.
What's the worst thing that's happened to someone who, like, tried to eat too spicy? They lay down on the floor of the restaurant. In the restaurant. I think we should order a dynamite spicy challenge.
Okay. I mean, I'm telling you. Oh, thank you. To some spice. Cheers. Thank you.
That made it real. So you're gonna feel tingly? Uh-huh. That's all. I feel it. That's cold. So I'm gonna let this little little travel and see if she will like the spot on. Uh-huh. Yeah, he went to my belly button.
She. This is a nightmare.
Hey! Hello. Hi.
Is that wine? Yes. Oh, shit. Hey. Oh, baby! Oh, shit. Okay.
Um, what is the current level of student debt in America if you have that off the top of your head? $1.48 trillion in student loan debt. $1.48 trillion? Trillion dollars. $44 million student loan borrowers. And they owe, give or take, about $37,500,000 on average.
Excuse me. So I'm gonna place cotton. One second. Uh, what is the cotton in the nose for? To protect leech to go inside of your mouth. Yeah, sorry. I'm being awkward. Um.
Are you dating anyone? Um, I have a date with that girl the day after tomorrow. It reminds me so much of you.
No! No.
Oh, cool. What is, what is all that negative reporting on credit? What is all that debt doing to, doing to people these days? Financially, it prevents you from buying a house. Uh-huh. Your ability to get a car loan. Uh, your ability to rent an apartment. Yeah. But emotionally, you know, if you've got $90,000, $100,000, $200,000 worth of student loan debt and you're getting called by debt collectors all the time, what does that do to you?
I think I might be in Amsterdam this summer. Here again? I think just for like, uh, like a week. Hmm. A week? Uh, can you hold one second?
I'm sorry. Oh, motherfucker. Okay, we're good.
You were sold the dream, weren't you? I was. You were sold the dream?
That was, oh my God, my face. Um, yeah, I was living in Ohio when I was a kid. You know, I was, I, I said, you know, I'm going to go, I'm going to be, I'm going to be an actor. And I went to acting school, I borrowed all the money to go to acting school. Uh, because I, because I had to get out, I had to get out of Ohio. Um, and now look at me. Oh, motherfucker.
Okay, why did we broke up? I think we broke up because you were said in Holland, you weren't pretty yourself.
And I think that was a trigger for both of us. Not you being sad, but more the fact that you weren't really being at home here. And I'm curious if you would live here or if I would live there if you would be together. Yeah, same.
I would live in Holland after I was like 60 on, like to retire in Holland. I would go to Holland to die. I already feel like I died in Holland.
You're coming out of the gate and you're feeling like you screwed up before you started. I, well, I did screw up before I started. That is the feeling that I have is like, well, there goes my financial future.
I'm going to pause again. I'm getting a little bit more water coming out, coming out over yonder. She's done? You can collect her. You have 30 minutes when you did it, so you're good.
Oh, great. That's great. In that case, thank you so much, Jay Pleashman, for coming in.
I think you would ever live here and then we could be together. I don't think I would live in LA. That's a hard truth. I think that's why we broke up because we could never live in the same place. We just happened to catch each other when we did live in the same place, but it wasn't forever.
Yeah. Are you cool now? Yep. It's like I have a fever. 30 minutes. Yes.
We're done. Okay. Thank you for doing this. No problem.
It was a pleasure. Yeah, was it? It was.
Good to see you. Love you. Love you too. You too. Yeah, same.
Bye. Grant. No way. You okay? That was really bad.
I can smell it. You look like American Psycho. Can I see it?
Oh, my God. I am going to barf. No, no, no, no, no, no. What do you just say? Oh, my God.
I just wanted to show Sam what he greenlit. Is this Sam? Oh, my God. Sam. Hey, buddy.
You look horrible on the outside. Yeah. You look horrible on the inside.
It's true. I'll say this. You guys have proven that you are committed. Thank you. Great. That's great.
I have like a very, very bad headache. I feel that you look like you were murdered or murdered someone. Do I have a second turn in the bathroom?
Sorry. It'll be insanely fast. Yeah. If you didn't do it, you're fine. Send your mic off. I can't. Oh, God. I can't. If you like that, go to dropout.tv right now to start your free trial and see Allie do this. Are you okay, man? I feel bad. Aww. Stop it. I didn't do it. |
dropout | meet_cute_with_a_ghost | Who do you want to contact from the spirit world today? I want to talk to my grandfather to find out who murdered him in this very house. Very well. Let us begin. This house is very old. I'm sensing many spirits in this place. Can you see my grandfather?
I see... Oh, I see a man. A tall man. Muscular with dark hair. Michael? Is this man familiar to you? No, I mean, I wish he was. My grandfather was not that cute. Okay, well... Oh, I see another spirit.
Well, we don't have to be rude, right? I mean, if Michael's here and he wants to chat, let's chat, you know.
What's he do? What did he do? Um... He was a doctor.
Jackpot! Cha-ching!
I'm just kidding. I work in comedy. And then I dress.
Could you tell him that? He can hear you. Really? Well, what'd he say? He says, beautiful and funny.
Jackpot. Oh my God, I see what you did there, Michael. Didn't you want to discover who killed your grandfather? Well, I mean, you know, what's the rush?
He's dead, right? He's not gonna get any deader. Michael, how long have you been dead for? He says 200 years.
I happen to be into older men. Is he laughing? Yes, he's laughing. What's he saying now? He wants to recite a poem for you.
Shut the front door. That was cute. I'd really rather focus on your grandfather.
Come on, please. Please, please, please.
You're my guy with the big nose. Cyrano? Don't put a spell on me. You know what? This is not what I do, but you're paying me, so...
He says, J is for joyful. E is for ethereal. S is for spectacular. This is so friggin' romantic.
Your grandfather, he's here. He wants to speak through me. Jessica, listen carefully. My killer is... Wait a minute. You could have people talk through you this whole time. What did your grandfather say? I don't know. I wasn't listening to him. I want to talk to Michael.
I'd really rather not. I mean, why are you even pursuing a dead man? Have you ever tried dating in L.A.? Okay, fine, fine, fine. Just don't do anything weird to me.
Well, hello there, Jessica. Oh, my God. You have a very sexy voice. You too. Thank you. Care to dance? Oh, my God.
He's gone. What? Michael? Where's Michael?
Get him in there! A bunch of sexy college girls were murdered here one summer. Sexier than me?
I'm so sorry.
But your grandfather is still here. He wants you to know that his killer is...
I don't give a shit about that anymore. I'm gonna go eat a hoagie. I don't care about the calories. I don't care about anything.
But you're... I know. Kids, right? You seem really nice too. Just take this. Hey-o! Genius! Alright! Who's the smarty pants now? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_mother_s_day_s_hottest_tips_snl | Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and thousands of New Yorkers will be taking their moms out for a big day in the Big Apple. here with some tips on where to celebrate your mom's special day is our City Correspondent, Stefan.
Hi. So, Stefan, how have you been? the same. crazy about Bin Laden, huh? No, that guy's hilarious.
Okay, Stefan, a lot of people are taking their moms on to town tomorrow. Any tips on where they can go to have a fun-filled Mother's day? Yes, If you want your mom to have a day full of fun, look no further.
New York's hottest club is. Ugh! Located in the middle of the West Side highway, this bi-curious beach party is the creation of Italian club owner, Bologna Danza. And this place has everything. split kicks, pachucos, pile after pile of expired lunchables, a Hawaiian cleaning lady that looks like Smokey Robinson, and look who just walked in. is that Natalie Portman? no. it's an old Irish black man that we call Murphy Brown. Plus, if you come this Sunday, you'll meet two-year-old Ultimate Fighter, drooly Lips Jackson. he's got fists like little empanadas, and he is my best friend. and we'll get to meet him if we come this Sunday. that's what I've been told. bad job. Why? One, when I set a place to take your mom, I was looking for somewhere more wholesome. you know, a lot of people's moms are a little older and want to go somewhere, you know, nice and relaxing. can you recommend anything like that? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you're looking for a place to relax with an old lady, look no further. New York's hottest club is. spicy! sorry, I'm sorry. What's that? spicy? Spicy. opened in 2017 on the Upper East side of a dumpster. this 24-hour bitch fest is the creation of club owner-rabbi, Jude Diamond Phillips. And this place has everything, sandworms, geishas, rock eaters, a seventh-level course in adult education.
And if you want to relax, you can kick back in your very own Subway sleeping bag. So, what is a Subway sleeping bag? it's that thing of when you're on the train and you sit between two guys in Fubu jackets.
Stefan, name one mother that would like that. Uh, my mom is Stefan. Oh, really? what's your dad's name? Mr. Stefan? no, it's David Bowie. Oh, okay. Stefan, look. oh, I'm looking. I'm asking for your help here. I'm going over to my mother's tomorrow. uh, don't you think it's time we met? And I'm taking my girlfriend. Boo!
And I want my mom to have a great day. I mean, this woman raised me and changed my diapers. Lucky lady. that's the fun. And I want to thank her for doing the toughest job in the world, being a mom. that was beautiful, and I think I can help. If you want to say thank you to your mom, take her to Central Park.
God, this I like. .and bond while flying a human kite. What is a human kite? it's that thing where you tie a string to a midget and a windbreaker and then run through a field.
Stefan. What did I do? help me learn. Are you gonna take your Mom to fly a human kite for Mother's Day? No, Stefan's out of town. I'm all alone on Mother's Day. Aww. Well, I had no idea. you know, even though you didn't help tonight at all, no young party monster should be alone on Mother's Day. So why don't you come home with me and meet my mom? sleepover? Stefan, everybody! Hi, Mom. I'm David Bowie. here we go now to have Seth Meyers. that's Stefan. Happy Mother's Day. good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | paperless_post_snl | Thanks to Paperless Post, you can create your own unique invitation for any holiday gathering. just design the card, then send it via email. it's easier than ever to invite all your closest friends to come celebrate. But that means it's also easier than ever for the people you invited to just not respond. And it's like, we saw you open the invite, Linda. it's been open for three weeks and you're not that busy, so just tell us if you're f***ing coming. I'm gonna keep them guessing. sometimes people need a gentle nudge to respond. that's why Paperless Post is introducing a new feature, Paperless Brick. It's a brick we throw through your friend's window with a note on it that says, Rsvp, or we'll kill you. Because it's easy to ignore an email and even three desperate follow-up emails. But when a brick flies through your window while your children are asleep upstairs, you respond quick. And if they still don't respond, take it to the next level with Paperless Horse's head. And after that, every day they don't respond, we'll send them a paperless severed finger. And for people you invited who still haven't responded a day out from the party, try Paperless. Their car explodes. And there's also a product to address the opposite problem. people who immediately respond that they can't come and they post a whole public explanation that makes other people not want to go to the party.
Maybe you didn't hear about that Rsv infection going around. And with the state of the world today, should anyone be celebrating anything?
For those people, there's paperless wild dogs. Yep, they're actual wild dogs we send in to attack the guy who wrote that. Because who writes that? it's rude. paperless post. we can do this the easy way, or we can destroy you.
I was so happy you could make it. I wouldn't think of missing it. No. No. brought to you by the U.s. Postal Service. send a physical invite they can't pretend they didn't see. |
SaturdayNightLive | forgot_about_lorne_ft_eminem_snl | Hey, Pete, what's up? Nothing, I'm just, uh, I'm just watching Lauren. he looks a little sad, right? Oh, yeah, definitely. right? I mean, I wonder what's wrong. Well, look, I-i-i wasn't gonna say anything, but, uh, I think he's been pretty depressed because he secretly always wanted to do a music video with you. Really? w-what makes you say that?
I found this script in the garbage. Pete and Lauren rap video, written by Lauren. weird. you know what? that guy has literally done everything for me. So I'm gonna pay him back by doing this rap video exactly the way he wrote it.
Honestly, that's your business, man. me, still the same big L, O-r-a-e, got a mind as sharp as a race. quick as a laser, first minute. wear jeans and a blazer. in 30, right behind my desk, eating popcorn, flipping to my rolodex, can probably call Joe Biden. And when I talk about Paul, don't know if it's been part of your assignment. every broadway play, I seen him. got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. four newspapers on my desk, bright and early each day. And I always read him when a cue card has a typo. I'm liable to go Michael's. take your pick, I said Jackson, Dyson, or Lorne, 1976. nowadays, everybody wanna act like they break in the form.
But every time I'm looking online, it seems it's just a bunch of old memes. all these little hacks forgot about Lorne. nowadays, everybody wanna act like they break in the form. But every time I'm looking online, it seems it's just a bunch of old memes. all these little hacks forgot about Lorne.
What do you say about a comedy? Great?
Been doing it himself for half a century straight. Wanna talk about all the crazy people he made every single decade. that's ridiculous. Names like David Spade, Ballooshy, Wiggin, Farley, Akaroi, Gilda, Samla, and Carvey. Peril, Morgan, Will Forte, Norm, Mcdonald, and Tina Fey. he must've seen a lot of things, but he never snitched. he's Mike Asal, he's Canadian, bitch. on a typewriter, he wrote preamigos, juggling egos. she can check it like Edie, baby. on the cover of Page Six, Daily. and a bunch of much nicer people like Kate Mckinnon, Commodity. And don't forget baby, Edie. nowadays, everybody wanna act like they breakin'' the form. But every time I'm lookin' online, it seems just about the old memes. all these little hacks forgot about Lorne.
Pete! what are you doing, man? Oh! yo, what's up, dude? it's another parody. it's like another tribute or something. Yeah, yeah, it's like the third one. yeah.
I would just stop. You know what, bro? yeah, they all suck. Well, do you not like the videos, or do you just, do you don't like me? Just please, stop. All right, I will. I'm really bad. honestly, we just do these because we love you so much, Marshall. they're like a tribute, you know? Pete, huh? don't do it again. God. Okay. well, Lorne. you blew it! |
cracked | 3_fictional_universes_where_the_money_makes_no_sense_yboc_star_wars_harry_potter_john_wick | This video is brought to you by NordVPN. Head over to NordVPN.com slash YBOC to get a huge discount off a two-year plan and a month free, plus it just really helps the show. Hey there nerds, it's me, Dr. Jordan Breeding and today I am metaphorically setting aside my stethoscope and putting on these non-prescriptive glasses they gave me as an award for being the best economics doctor of all time. You are watching another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the most fiscally responsible show on the internet and the only show on crack where I spent like $40 of my personal money on this friggin' Kong figurine for the pilot episode, so I'm gonna squeeze every last cent from his sculpted simian cheeks. So please, allow my sexy graduate teaching assistant and I to explain.
In the real world, most trade policies and financial systems are built by economists or business people or dudes on our Wall Street bets who have some sort of training or expertise in that area. In movies, it's all designed by people who mostly have training in explosions and expertise and booby scenes and it shows. The John Wick movies are basically hyper-violent Harry Potter ripoffs replacing wizards with assassins and goblins with ex-suicide girls. John Wick is so good at shooting, he might as well be magic and this entire assassination world operates in the background of our own, entirely undetectable by normal, bad at shooting muggles and governed by its own ministry of magic called the High Table.
It is a direct one-to-one comparison. Another similarity is both franchises use their own crazy form of currency, but instead of blowing their copper nuts on Butterbeer, assassins use their special money on hotel chains that exclusively cater to killers and corpse cleaning crews that specialize in wearing fly-ass hats and their own telecommunications infrastructure that appears several decades behind technologically, which somehow makes it even more awesome. Order 1111, 1111, 1111, 1111, 1111, confirmed.
Well, let's talk about those coins for a second. You might assume that they have some kind of fixed worth, like one coin equals one burrito at Chipotle without guac, but according to the directors, a coin's value is directly tied to the owner's reputation. They specifically say that Wick's coins are more valuable than the continental bartenders, which is kind of addicting to say, but it does help explain how a single Wick coin buys him everything from a handgun to a drink at the bar to getting a half dozen corpses dragged out of his house. What size? But think how much that would suck for everybody else. With real money, the only reason people accept something like a paper dollar in a transaction is because they trust that they'll be able to use that dollar later and it'll hold similar value. If that trust disappears, then the paper dollar becomes worthless. Now, imagine if the only way Food Lion lets you purchase Cool Ranch Doritos is if they like you personally. The finest. If somebody unearthed John Wick's questionable tweets from 10 years ago about how he really prefers to assassinate white people, his personal fortune could plummet in minutes. It's like Bitcoin for the worst kind of people, so like, Bitcoin. And I thought I ladled the graveyard pick.
But how can there possibly be enough money in killing people to support this many assassins alongside everybody else in the industry, from the pointy HR departments to full-time bureaucrats like the adjudicator or the mystical salt of sand? How frequently are people in this world assassinated for serious money and not just because some crazy dude hates the Beatles? Hey, dude, don't make it fast. Looking at the New York City specific board in John Wick 2, we see that, sure, killing John Wick is worth like seven million, but that seems relatively rare and obviously nobody is ever gonna collect on that bounty. And even in the top 10, we've got somebody worth only $25,000. That's not nothing, but John Wick kills nearly 100 hitmen in the third film alone, all of whom are presumably fighting over that same pretty small pool of available bounties. And remember, if they don't collect on these cash payouts, they're stuck with magic reputation tokens that may or may not be worth anything. The public credits are no good out here.
I need something more real. The only way this makes any sense is if the assassin economy is almost entirely populated with part-time gig workers. That's why all the kick-ass ninja dudes from Parabellum work at a sushi shop. They probably make way more money slinging fish than they ever do hunting down ex-boyfriends for a couple bucks. Assassinations are just a fun thing to do whenever grubhub orders are slow. I'm a huge fan. Stephen Levitt, the author of Freakonomics, once did a study on the earnings of drug dealers in Chicago and found that street-level dealers were actually making like minimum wage. Most of the wealth flows to the top. Like maybe Winston can make a living running an assassin hotel because he's not living gig to gig. But basically everybody else in these movies is the murderous equivalent of a 40-year-old basis living at home with his mom and driving Ubers during the day and waiting for his chance to finally make it big and, you know, kill Keanu Reeves. Our base plan.
Similar to John Wick, Harry Potter movies are also basically just Harry Potter movies. Also similar to John Wick, their economy is built on nothing but dreams and unicorn farts. To start, there's literally only one bank in the entire world, which is run by goblins who are also Jewish stereotypes because Rowling has always kind of sucked, but it's okay because at some point she'll tweet that they're actually trans lesbians because, you know, Rowling loves trans people. What exactly are these things? They're common goblins, Harry.
But Gringotts' Wizarding Bank isn't really a bank so much as a vault. Gringotts doesn't extend credit or offer small business loans. It's literally just a place to physically store your nuts that's a bit more secure than shoving them into your underwear. And that's doubly important in a world where all currency is physical and there's no such thing as debit cards or Venmo.
To become a small business owner, you either need to suckle the teats of a wealthy patron like the Malfoy's who would already refuse to give you anything if you had even an ounce of non-magical blood in you or I don't know, you need to rob somebody and steal their big bag of nuts or whatever. Common goblins. These difficulties explain why most businesses like Ollivander's The Wand Shop have been open for almost 2,000 years. It's very stagnated, which means that there's also very, very little competition. If Ollivander starts padding his wands with hippogriff sh**, there's nothing anybody could do about it.
Say hello to f**k me. But even if there were opportunities for new business ventures, what would actually be profitable? I mean, think about it.
There's no need for construction companies when you can turn a literal shoe into a 5,000 square foot mansion inside with a flick of a wrist. And also in my experience, pouring jet fuel into an owl's butt actually makes them worse at flying. That's a major problem for the magical fuel industry. No! And if you've got a broom or can apparate, you can basically travel anywhere in the world and again, sleep in a wondrous magical shoe so Airbnb and travel agencies are out and there's no traditional media entertainment if it relies on any technology more complicated than paint on canvas. So the arts are also pretty much out. The only things a wizard would ever spend money on are basically eating out at the magical equivalent of five guys are buying stupid goofy sh** like wands that turn into rubber chickens. That is why the books make such a big deal out of all the candy and toys Harry is always buying because what else even is there?
Come on, no bit. Come on.
Even worse, this clearly limits job opportunities. If you're not slinging magical burgers, the only other clear jobs are in the government, which includes the state-sponsored competition-free education system. That's why all three of our main characters become magical cops or in Hermione's case, a bureaucrat attempting to abolish the literal system of slavery that exists in this backwards-ass culture.
Bobby is... John Cena!
Like, I know this is just my opinion, but I think that people who agree with slavery shouldn't be in charge of a society. I didn't do it on purpose.
The world of Harry Potter is only fun to live in until you're 17, and you realize there are almost no job opportunities. You've been taught nothing but specific spells with zero focus on creativity or problem solving, and even if you do manage to convince somebody to give you their nuts for your time, there's nothing to spend them on except whoopee cushions that turn you into frog or some sh**. I wouldn't be surprised if the wizarding community's biggest issue isn't muggles discovering their wonderful little secret world, but wizards doing everything they can to escape and become an accountant in the real world so they can buy a PS5, which by itself does things twice as magical as anything Dumbledore's ever done.
And I already know it's gay. Nobody's gonna have to tell me 20 years later, oh, the PS5's gay. We know.
Star Wars has always dedicated as much effort to its world-building as its actual story and characters, and this has not always been a good thing. We should no care then about common goblins. Anyway, the first big issue is the insane fragility of the centralized government. The Republic falls to the Empire, which falls to the New Republic, which falls to the First Order, which falls to the New Republic 2XXL, all in the span of like 70 years. That is absolutely insane turnover, especially in a galaxy with over 3.2 million inhabitable systems, all with their own wildly varied currencies, tax policies, governmental regulations, and God knows what other friggin' local quirks. I like the sound of that. Pre-Empire trade was mostly facilitated by independent institutions like the Trade Federation, which in theory meant that individual localized planetary economies had a fighting chance to weather the constant political shifts, but after the Clone Wars, the Empire actually went ahead and nationalized the Trade Federation, meaning that when the Empire fell, so too did the people managing interplanetary trade at a galactic level.
What? What did you say?
That's not good, because the galactic government needs galactic industries, especially in a universe where entire planets have a singular topography like snow planet, salt planet, fan planet, and they only export one thing. Breeding womp rats for their thick milk probably wouldn't be super lucrative on Mustafar, what with them constantly catching on fire. But trade between planets requires a standardized currency, yet each new government comes with its own new currency, which, according to Wikipedia, causes local valuations to fluctuate wildly. Like maybe the Empire is cool with eating wookie meat for Christmas, and so the price is super low, but then the new Republic comes in a week later and wages a galactic war on Christmas by massively taxing wookie meat, causing the price to skyrocket and creating a trade imbalance overnight. If only there was somebody who specialized in smuggling juicy wookie thighs. I'm jumping in my ride, I'm heading out tonight. Then all that's without the added stressors of entire planets and industries that can blow up at any second. Like, make your living exporting Alderaanian pot? Oh, sorry, this senator said something mean to an admiral, and now your entire stock is so much space dust.
You light all three ends at the same time. Really? And then the smoke converges, creating a trifecta of joint smoking power.
Who could afford to invest in interplanetary trade when these planets might not even be there tomorrow? The Last Jedi implies that the only industry guaranteed to turn a profit is one that supplies the means of waging this infinite war, but even then, that's only true if there's some sort of political stability. I mean, let's look at the Death Stars. They are extremely expensive. It's estimated they might be in the 200 quintillion dollar range, and they don't even create wealth. They make their money back by creating millions of jobs and hopefully restimulating the economy after the fall of the Republic, and also establishing faith in a new system by becoming a terrorist deterrent. I mean, after all, our current economy plunges every time there's a domestic terror attack like 9-11 or Netflix upping their annual fees. God bless America. Furthermore, their seemingly unlimited power should reassure investors that the government won't change again anytime soon, but then they explode, and the empire falls, meaning that any loans borrowed from huge banks are probably gonna be defaulted on, likely obliterating these galactic banks and throwing the whole stock market into chaos. And then, only a little while later, the First Order builds Starkiller Base, an even bigger, even crazier super weapon, and uses it to blow up another star system right along an important shipping lane, ultimately causing the new Republic government to fall before Starkiller Base itself is blown up, and then the Emperor somehow builds like a million Death Star caliber Star Destroyers, and then all of those explode. Basically, good luck growing any of those milky firerats moves too far, because the infrastructure for interplanetary trade, it is never gonna happen anytime soon. I'd recommend betting whatever savings you have left on pod races, because that shit is tight, and will it survive any economic upheaval.
Now this is a story all about how- Hey there, I'm an economist. You can tell I'm an economist, because I have glasses. I need it to look at money. And I just wanted to tell you about a good way to improve your own personal economy, and by that I mean save money.
For example, I wanted to watch the John Wick movies the other day, and I went on my Netflix to watch, but I couldn't watch them. They don't have it in American Netflix, which is bad economic move, in my opinion, because our economy is in the crapper. I got NordVPN, and I switched my IP address to look like I was in Australia, who has a much better functioning economy, because their John Wick movies are on Netflix. I don't have to just do Australia, they have servers in 59 different countries. So if I want to watch whatever weird stuff they've got going on on Japanese Netflix, again, one click, and then I'm there. And even if I don't want to save money, because I suck, and I don't understand the economy, and even better, you know, if you're one of those people who likes to do the Bitcoin, that's fine, and you don't want people to know that you're one of those Bitcoiners, and that's fine too, because they have a strict no-logs policy, which means they're not tracking what you do, and they're not watching, so you can, you know, dabble in all the doge coins that you want, and nobody will ever have to know. It's a perfect system. The good thing is that NordVPN, one account can connect six devices at once, which means that, you know, you can set your mom up with John Wick's in Australia in the bedroom, but then you can sneak into the bathroom and watch Japanese Netflix on your smartphone. It's a perfect system, and all you gotta do to get some of this goodness in ya is go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC and use code YBOC at checkout for a huge discount on a two-year plan, plus an extra month free. And then you can be watching all sorts of John Wick and all sorts of Japanese stuff wherever you want.
And even better, if you hate all this, if you hate a good economy, if you hate John Wick, if you hate Japan, that's fine. They have a 30-day risk-free money-back guarantee where if after 30 days you've decided, you know, you don't like anyone or anything and you hate yourself, that's fine. You can just get all your money back. Trade away all the fun that you were gonna have, and then you're done. All right, so we shorted the Butterbeer market, misvalued the Wookie Meat trade, and helped Kong here pay back some of his life debt. Looks like that's everything. Be sure to see Kathy on your way out for a couple of those pills from Limitless that make you do math like Bradley Cooper, his friend in the hangover. It's not illegal, it's frowned upon like masturbating on an airplane.
But trade between planets requires a standardized currency, yet each new government comes with its own new currency, which, according to Wookiepedia, causes local valuations to fluctuate wildly. Fluctuate wildly. You're looking at fluctuating government.
And can make a living running an assassin hotel because he's not living gig-to-gig. But basically, everybody else in these movies is the murderous equivalent of a 40-year-old bassist living at home with his mom and driving Ubers during the day and waiting for his chance to finally make it big and, you know, kill Keanu Reeves. Our bass playing.
What? Similar to John Wick, Harry Potter movies are also basically just Harry Potter movies. Also similar to John Wick, their economy is built on nothing but dreams and unicorn farts. To start, there's literally only one bank in the entire world, which is run by goblins who are also Jewish stereotypes because Rowling has always kind of sucked, but it's okay because at some point she'll tweet that they're actually trans lesbians because, you know, Rowling loves trans people. What exactly are these things? They're common goblins, Harry.
But Gringotts Wizarding Bank isn't really a bank so much as a vault. Gringotts doesn't extend credit or offer small business loans. It's literally just a place to physically store your nuts that's a bit more secure than shoving them into your underwear. And that's doubly important in a world where all currency is physical and there's no such thing as debit cards or Venmo.
To become a small business owner, you either need to suckle the teats of a wealthy patron like the Malfoy's who would already refuse to give you anything if you had even an ounce of non-magical blood in you, or I don't know, you need to rob somebody and steal their big bag of nuts or whatever. Come goblins. These difficulties explain why most businesses like Ollivander's The Wand Shop have been open for almost 2,000 years. It's very stagnated, which means that there's also very, very little competition. If Ollivander starts padding his wands with Hippogriff's shit, there's nothing anybody could do about it. Say hello to fuckbeak.
But even if there were opportunities for new business ventures, what would actually be profitable? I mean, think about it. There's no need for construction companies when you can turn a literal shoe into a 5,000 square foot mansion inside with a flick of a wrist.
And also, in my experience, pouring jet fuel into an owl's butt actually makes them worse at flying. That's a major problem for the magical fuel industry. No!
And if you've got a broom or can apparate, you can basically travel anywhere in the world. And again, sleep in a wondrous magical shoe so Airbnb and travel agencies are out and there's no traditional media entertainment if it relies on any technology more complicated than paint on canvas. So the arts are also pretty much out.
The only things a wizard would ever spend money on are basically eating out at the magical equivalent of five guys who are buying stupid goofy shit like wands that turn into rubber chickens. That is why the books make such a big deal out of all the candy and toys Harry is always buying because what else even is there?
Come on, little bit. Come on.
Even worse, this clearly limits job opportunities. If you're not slinging magical burgers, the only other clear jobs are in the government, which includes the state-sponsored competition-free education system. That's why all three of our main characters become magical cops, or in Hermione's case, a bureaucrat attempting to abolish the literal system of slavery that exists in this backwards-ass culture.
Dobby is... John Cena!
Like, I know this is just my opinion, but I think that people who agree with slavery shouldn't be in charge of a society. I didn't do it on purpose.
The world of Harry Potter is only fun to live in until you're 17 and you realize there are almost no job opportunities. You've been taught nothing but specific spells with zero focus on creativity or problem solving, and even if you do manage to convince somebody to give you their nuts for your time, there's nothing to spend them on except whoopee cushions that turn you into frog or some shit. I wouldn't be surprised if the wizarding community's biggest issue isn't muggles discovering their wonderful little secret world, but wizards doing everything they can to escape and become an accountant in the real world so they can buy a PS5, which by itself does things twice as magical as anything Dumbledore's ever done.
And I already know it's gay. Nobody's gonna have to tell me 20 years later, oh, the PS5's gay. We know.
["The Star Wars Theme Song"] Star Wars has always dedicated as much effort to its world building as its actual story and characters, and this has not always been a good thing. We should know care about common goblins. Anyway, the first big issue is the insane fragility of the centralized government. The Republic falls to the Empire, which falls to the New Republic, which falls to the First Order, which falls to the New Republic 2XXL, all in the span of like 70 years. That is absolutely insane turnover, especially in a galaxy with over 3.2 million inhabitable systems, all with our own wildly varied currencies, tax policies, governmental regulations, and God knows what other friggin' local quirks. I like the sound of that. Pre-Empire trade was mostly facilitated by independent institutions like the Trade Federation, which in theory meant that individual localized planetary economies had a fighting chance to weather the constant political shifts, but after the Clone Wars, the Empire actually went ahead and nationalized the Trade Federation, meaning that when the Empire fell, so too did the people managing interplanetary trade at a galactic level.
What? What did you say?
That's not good, because the galactic government needs galactic industries, especially in the universe where entire planets have a singular topography like snow planet, thought planet, fan planet, and they only export one thing. Breeding womp rats for their thick milk probably wouldn't be super lucrative on Mustafar, what with them constantly catching on fire. Ahhh! But trade between planets requires a standardized currency, yet each new government comes with its own new currency, which, according to Wikipedia, causes local valuations to fluctuate wildly. Like maybe the Empire is cool with eating wookie meat for Christmas and so the price is super low, but then the new Republic comes in a week later and wages a galactic war on Christmas by massively taxing wookie meat, causing the price to skyrocket and creating a trade imbalance overnight. If only there was somebody who specialized in smuggling juicy wookie thighs. I'm jumping in my ride, I'm heading out tonight. Then all that's without the added stressors of entire planets and industries that can blow up at any second. Like, make your living exporting, all Iranian pot? Oh sorry, the senator said something mean to an admiral and now your entire stock is so much space dust.
You light all three ends at the same time. Really? And then the smoke converges, creating a trifecta of joint smoking power.
Who could afford to invest in interplanetary trade when these planets might not even be there tomorrow? The Last Jedi implies that the only industry guaranteed to turn a profit is one that supplies the means of waging this infinite war, but even then, that's only true if there's some sort of political stability. I mean, let's look at the Death Stars. They are extremely expensive. It's estimated they might be in the 200 quintillion dollar range, and they don't even create wealth. They make their money back by creating millions of jobs and hopefully re-stimulating the economy after the fall of the republic, and also establishing faith in a new system by becoming a terrorist deterrent. I mean, after all, our current economy plunges every time there's a domestic terror attack, like 9-11 or Netflix upping their annual fees. God bless America. Furthermore, their seemingly unlimited power should reassure investors that the government won't change again anytime soon, but then they explode and the empire falls, meaning that any loans borrowed from huge banks are probably gonna be defaulted on, likely obliterating these galactic banks and throwing the whole stock market into chaos. And then, only a little while later, the First Order builds Starkiller Base, an even bigger, even crazier super weapon, and uses it to blow up another star system right along an important shipping lane, ultimately causing the new republic government to fall before Starkiller Base itself is blown up, and then the emperor somehow builds like a million Death Star caliber Star Destroyers, and then all of those explode. Basically, good luck growing any of those milky fire rats moves too far, because the infrastructure for interplanetary trade, it is never gonna happen anytime soon. I'd recommend betting whatever savings you have left on pod races, because that shit is tight, and will it survive any economic upheaval?
Now this is a story all about how- Hey there, I'm an economist. You can tell I'm an economist, because I have glasses. I need it to look at money. And I just wanted to tell you about a good way to improve your own personal economy, and by that I mean save money.
For example, I wanted to watch the John Wick movies the other day, and I went on my Netflix to watch, but I couldn't watch them. They don't have it in American Netflix, which is bad economic move, in my opinion, because our economy is in the crapper. I got NordVPN, and I switched my IP address to look like I was in Australia, who has a much better functioning economy, because their John Wick movies are on Netflix. I don't have to just do Australia, they have servers in 59 different countries, so if I wanna watch whatever weird stuff they've got going on on Japanese Netflix, again, one click, and then I'm there. And even if I don't wanna save money, because I suck and I don't understand the economy, what? And even better, you know, if you're one of those people who likes to do the Bitcoin, that's fine, and you don't want people to know that you're one of those Bitcoiners, and that's fine too, because they have a strict no logs policy, which means they're not tracking what you do, and they're not watching, so you can dabble in all the dogecoins that you want and nobody will ever have to know. It's a perfect system. The good thing is that NordVPN, one account can connect six devices at once, which means that you can set your mom up with John Wick's in Australia in the bedroom, but then you can sneak into the bathroom and watch Japanese Netflix on your smartphone. It's a perfect system, and all you gotta do to get some of this goodness in ya is go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC and use code YBOC to check out for a huge discount on a two-year plan plus an extra month free. And then you can be watching all sorts of John Wick and all sorts of Japanese stuff wherever you want.
And even better, if you hate all this, if you hate a good economy, if you hate John Wick, if you hate Japan, that's fine. They have a 30-day risk-free money-back guarantee where if after 30 days you've decided you don't like anyone or anything and you hate yourself, that's fine. You can just get all your money back, trade away all the fun that you were gonna have, and then you're done. All right, so we shorted the Butterbeer market, misvalued the Wookie Meat trade, and helped Kong here pay back some of his life debt.
Looks like that's everything. Be sure to see Kathy on your way out for a couple of those pills from Limitless that make you do math like Bradley Cooper, his friend in the hangover. It's not illegal, it's frowned upon like masturbating on an airplane.
But trade between planets requires a standardized currency, yet each new government comes with its own new currency, which, according to Wookiepedia, causes local valuations to fluctuate wildly. Fluctuate wildly. You're looking at fluctuating government. |
dropout | definitely_real_grandmas_try_pot_for_the_first_time | Nope, I've never smoked marijuana. Smoked a lot of other things, never made a lot of it. Uh-huh, this smells like my daughter's room. Grass, grass, I first heard about grass in the 1940s.
I hear it makes you lightheaded and dizzy, which is just- Okay, stop. Are you guys just three dudes dressed up as old ladies to get free weed? I was. I've always been curious about it, so why not? So I said to these two old birds, how about instead of playing bridge today, we go down and smoke the devil's cigarette? Okay, enough, let's just get this over with. Say, great. Oh my, how on earth is this swacky tobacco in the car? In the car, sativa, because my grandson says sativa makes me paranoid. I can't stop smiling.
You didn't get any snacks? No. Why wouldn't you get snacks?
I wish I had like a super cold, a cry. Oh, oh fuck, that would be cold.
My favorite comedian is Bob Hope. Oh my, I could get used to this. What's your lady's favorite part about being retired? I like being able to knit and sew, and what's the knitting but with hooks? Hooking. I like calling my congressman and complaining about things he can't change. I like that I don't mince-tried anymore.
You seriously not get any water at least? Oh, I don't know, I feel like, I feel like I did. All of us have old lady names. I have a name like Agatha. I'm Mrs. Doubtfire. I'm Gayle. You ever think about how when you get old, all your friends start dying? Fuck. What do you mean when you get old? I thought you were old. You have like no children. Do people tell you that? I had a fabulous time. Thank you. Do you have your medical card or how'd you get this? Yeah.
This is looking like a cramp. Oh my God. It totally looks like a cramp. Oh, lady's cramps. Fuck, it's cramp people.
Okay, you guys have to go. Oh, all right, theory. As soon as we get paid. This is the internet, we're not paying you. You motherfuckers. I'm misoccupied. |
cracked | kids_movies_way_darker_than_we_realized_yboc_toy_story_iron_giant | Oh hey there kiddos, I've got your test results right here and they're written in jazz berry jam crayon and also you're sick and we'll talk about it later but until then my name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and when I was your age I was making silly videos just like this. Wow can you imagine me still doing some stupid crap like that well look at me now mom. Anyway you're watching another kid test and mother approved episode of your brain on crack the show where I attempt to make you cry harder than Pixar and the only show on crack rated PG for frightening and intense sequences. Were you scared? No shut up we have to move on today I diagnose.
The best kids movies always throwing a little something for the adults and I'm not just talking about cartoon rabbits hand drawn to ruin marriages. Sometimes that means a couple of adult oriented jokes sandwiched between the endless fart gags but other times it means dealing with more complex emotional themes like sadness or loss. By that same token some kids movies hide little fun bits of utterly depressing horror only noticeable by somebody old enough to recognize that real life is full of tragedy and we are all just inches from death kids.
The Toy Story saga has always strove to make me feel guilty for throwing away my old crappy toys. If Pixar got their way our childhood dolls would be right alongside us for every major life development like graduations or weddings or honeymoons and that's why audiences were so upset with the way Sid tortured and reassembled toys like a little Dr. Frankenstein with braces but thanks to 2010's most terrifying horror film Toy Story 3 we now know that Sid wasn't just physically abusing his toys he was actually throwing them into terrifying existential crises. During Toy Story 3 Mrs. Potato Head looks through her detached eye to see Andy getting ready for college and packing just like a thousand Magnum condoms even though the eye is no longer attached to her body. Similar to whichever politician I could reference to make you the most angry toys and their parts don't require fully functioning nervous systems. Additionally Slinky Dog's butt sometimes goes rogue on him forcing Slink to argue with his anus like an old man without ready access to laxatives. In the Toy Story universe body parts can work independently of their primary hosts so what happens when you stick one part onto another toy? Which toy part gains the most control in that scenario? Is that baby head fighting an unending mental battle with its erector set legs for dominance? Is there a twisted spider headed American Girl Doll creature lurking around somewhere else in the house fighting an internal war between its desperate body parts? All this body horror points to another frightening fact about Toy Story Toys, they're immortal.
If they can survive extreme dismemberment and being grafted into butt to mouth toy centipedes, they can pretty much survive anything. Remember how Lato gets hilariously tied to the grade of that dump truck as punishment for his sins? If I want to keep your mouth shut, I can. Well, he'll be trapped there for god knows how many years, his fuzzy flesh slowly being torn away by the wind until finally he's shucked into a landfill to live out eternity in claustrophobic darkness.
We're all just trash waiting to be thrown away as all the toy is. By the time of the movie Cars, humans are clearly extinct, possibly as a result of a war with these sentient murder machines that can also motorboat you. Humanity has been replaced by these anthropomorphic vehicles who have a society that mirrors ours. I mean, there are judges, waitresses, and even creepy little freaks.
The freakiest freak is the tow truck Mater, voiced by Larry the Cable Guy doing a heightened country accent that sounds like a man being slowly choked to death behind a cracker barrel. And Mater's job is towing destroyed cars to the junkyard, which makes him the de facto town mortician. We know vehicles die in this universe because Mater clearly unceremoniously chucks cars into mass graves. And it's possible that some cars receive proper burials, but which ones? Does Mater only dispose of the poor, sad cars who couldn't pay for a proper funeral? I mean, he does seem like a stickler when it comes to money, but that's not all, because Mater's business is called towing and salvage. If you can't afford to buy your beautiful Hyundai Sonata wife a new spark plug, at least you can rest easy in the knowledge that the star of Larry the Cable Guy Health Inspector will dig through her corpse to see if her brake pads are decent enough to shove into some rando's chassis. And cars require constant maintenance, so possibly every single person in the cars universe is powered by their dead friends' dismembered parts recovered from a mountain of discarded corpses.
I was wondering when you'd go like that. Take whatever you want, just don't hurt me.
Lilo and Stitch is a movie about a girl who really sucks at properly identifying animals. Before she misidentifies the blue alien as a regular blue dog, Lilo misidentifies a fish named Pudge as a weather god? Pudge controls the weather. Obviously, one of Lilo's classmates calls her crazy because kids can be mean, and also Lilo is very clearly crazy. It's not like she's getting any snow days in Hawaii, so what is the little girl even gain from currying the favor of some weather god, fish or otherwise? Well, for starters, it might protect the people Lilo loves from dying. See, Lilo is an orphan living with her older sister. Their parents were killed in a car crash during inclement weather. Lilo is now constantly afraid that she, or somebody she loves, will be similarly taken during a rainstorm. Her little kid brain is doing whatever it can to re-establish some control in her life.
In this instance, that means feeding peanut butter sandwiches to a fish named Pudge, but honestly, that's definitely at least middle tier as far as religions go. She's not just some cult leader making it up as she goes either, she's clearly thought things through enough to realize that Pudge shouldn't eat tuna because, you know, cannibalism. And her thoroughness really just makes the whole thing way sadder and way more depressing.
The ending of the Iron Giant isn't exactly happy, but it is hopeful. The Giant has exploded, sure, but his friend Hogarth does get to keep possession of a leftover iron bullet as a memento of his fallen friend. I miss him. And yeah, I guess it's a little weird because if the Iron Giant was a human, that'd be the equivalent of like a finger or a pancreas, but he's not a human, so it's weak. Even better, later that night, the bolt seemed to be moving, implying that the Giant's various pieces are slowly coming back together just in time for Vin Diesel's return in 2 Iron 2 Giant Tokyo Drift. We were drift compatible.
But you know who won't return for a sequel? Hogarth. Because he'll be dead. Oh my god.
Hogarth holding onto a little piece of his buddy's corpse is a really nice thought, except for the fact that it was completely bathed in radiation. Radiation from nuclear catastrophe stays on scrap metal for a very, very long time. We're experiencing a worldwide problem right now wherein metal used in military or industrial hardware has been melted down and reused, but the dangerous radiation lives on. In 2005, Taiwanese residents living in apartments made of this reused metal saw a massive increase in leukemia and breast cancer. Again, this is reused and refined metal decades after the fact. Hogarth receives that bolt hours after it survives a direct nuclear explosion. If he doesn't die from radiation poisoning, he has about a hundred percent chance of developing premature cancer.
So if you weren't already weeping at the ending of the Iron Giant, maybe picturing a bald Hogarth blowing his make-a-wish on an early screening of the Phantom Menace World. Get outta here! Uh. Satan.
Jungle Book villain Shere Khan may look like a tiger, who is maybe also an MMA fighter, but honestly he's a pretty reasonable dude. When he makes his entrance in 2016's live action Jungle Book, he doesn't just start tearing quality bears to shreds, he actually lays out a solid, well-thought-out argument for why Mowgli has to go. Shift your hunting ground for a few years and everyone forgets how the law works. Or let me remind you, a man cub becomes man, and man is forbidden! So the Wolf Pack isn't just making questionable life choices, they're actual jungle criminals. When Shere Khan kills Akila, he's only carrying out the law of the land. If his last name was Van Damme, we'd be rooting for him all the way. But of course, Shere Khan's real flaw is not appreciating how Mowgli's just an innocent kid, and he could be raised to respect nature, right? Right. Well, except for the fact that Mowgli uses his human advantage to steal a torch from a nearby village and burn down the whole freakin' jungle. Mowgli kills Khan, and presumably hundreds of other more lovable, cuddly creatures, by doing the one disastrous thing the tiger was trying to prevent. In Shere Khan's mind, sacrificing a few wolves to save the entire jungle is worth it. But in Mowgli's mind, burning down the entire jungle so he can, I guess, stay in the jungle and just never wear pants is worth it.
I'm gonna be like you. Okay, yeah, so, built a new religion around a fish named Pudge, made Mater the tow trucker Satan, and determined that forgotten toys are the despondent centers doomed to weeping and gnashing of their plastic teeth for unbearably painful eternity. Anyway, be sure to grab some drugs from Kathy on your way out for your measles.
Ooh, I forgot about those. I forgot we were bringing them back, but what a fun throwback for the kids.
Fun. That was real. Hey everybody, I'm here at this location and I hope you enjoyed that video. Please subscribe and hit the bell and do the notifications thing so that I can go to more locations like this one. |
cracked | what_sean_spicer_s_emmys_appearance_says_about_how_we_consume_the_news_some_news | Oh. Hi, I'm a news person, and here is some news. Stephen Colbert kind of sucks now. Wow. Pretty incendiary up top, me. Let's back up.
Stephen Colbert, creator of a nine year masterpiece, was recently a guest on Jimmy Kimmel's late night show, and they discussed Kimmel's also recent interview of former press secretary Sean Spicer. Kimmel said he kind of felt sorry for Spicer, to which Colbert goodly replied, well, he wasn't apologizing.
He wants to be forgiven, but he won't regret anything he did. You've got to regret to be forgiven.
Do we have a clip? Yes, but I already said it and we showed it on the screen, so we don't need to do the clip, okay.
Well, Colbert is right about this. Sean Spicer regularly lied to the country for his liar boss and called protestors paid protestors, and for weeks said he'd make sure to ask if the president believes in climate change, but never did. He thinks it's a hoax on Twitter, but real for his resorts. Yet, after all of that, when Sean Spicer met the pope, a tweet went twirl, saying, wanna know why liberals are decent people? We're all pretty happy that Sean Spicer got to meet the pope. Or maybe it's because liberals think the news is a TV show and Sean Spicer is a dopey, but likable goon side character who lies for the bad president, but secretly doesn't like it. And then he resigns because of his principles and he tells the country he's sorry and he speaks out against the bad president. And then the series finale rolls around and hey, Sean Spicer finally got to meet the pope. Good for him. I feel pretty happy that Sean Spicer got to meet the pope because it's easy to think of the news and these people in the context of a TV show.
The flow of breaking stories never stops so it's easy to binge. There are some bizarre characters and some of them are wiretapped and every action seems very drastic and dire. And the star of it is an image obsessed reality TV host who creates false dramatic tension by saying there are two contenders for a Supreme Court nomination when there's only one and tweets about his meetings with foreign leaders about the possibility of nuclear war by saying, stay tuned. A character named Sean Spicer gets spicy when he lies or is asked questions and his job is to be asked questions and not lie. As the communications director, he tweeted his Twitter password twice. A character who peddles alternative facts is named Conway.
What are you, lost? Christian Shepherd. It seems like a show. We made a whole show about it. But it's not, it's reality.
And in reality, we haven't been shown the season where Sean Spicer redeems himself and shows regret so he shouldn't receive forgiveness. Wow, we're really still talking about this, huh? In his interview, Kimmel said, what if Spicer privately shows regret but doesn't want to make Trump angry? Colbert's response, again, was responded quite goodly. What if he's privately regretting it but too scared to publicly regret it because there's a big orange bully that might hit him over the head? Then we'd privately forgive him. Kimmel's comment makes me think that Spicer does regret it. Privately, probably too Jimmy. But Stephen's right. In that case, keep it private. He hasn't publicly acknowledged his regrets about his actions against the public so don't invite him to the Emmys to joke about how he lied to everybody. At a show hosted by Stephen Colbert whose idea it was to invite him, which I guess raises the question, can satire save the republic? Fucking no. It can give an award to a guy for doing an unpracticed, utterly mediocre impression of a president they hate and get that president to tweet about the Emmys low ratings so. Oh, way to go. Hashtag resistance. Like, Stephen, respectfully, are you fucking kidding me, man? Did Sean Spicer show you private regret but did you respond with public forgiveness?
Are the answers to those questions obvious? Will I stop this? How about now? Not yet? Ever? Now. This isn't a show, Stephen. We didn't all see whatever scene made you think this would be okay. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Everything is better on TV. Yeah, great, TV's great.
Great job. Join the club, I guess, of white millionaires who are quick to forgive these liars because their lies don't personally affect them. But, you're doing great, man. That club fucking sucks.
Speaking of healthcare policy affecting people's lives and families, so maybe wanting people to not get political about healthcare is fucking stupid, there's a new demon-spawn GOP healthcare bill that's somehow even worse than the last one, the one before that, and the other 96 bills. Which brings us to our new segment, we've got 99 problems and a bill is all of them. The current bill is worse and also the same in that it would increase premiums, kick millions off their insurance, wouldn't cover these things, the president promoted it like a TV show and lied about it because he doesn't understand or care enough, every single health organization says the bill is terrible, people's lives and health are at risk, everyone needs to call these senators to urge them to switch their vote from being a bad person to being the bare minimum of a good person and you know the drill, we've seen this one before.
Rerons, am I right? I wonder if we'll have the exciting down to the wire decision, like when original cast member John McCain was asked how he was going to vote on a bill that decided the fates of millions of stressed out real Americans worried about their healthcare and he said, quote, wait for the show, like it's a show. Even before that, Democratic Senator of Connecticut, Chris Murphy tweeted, I ran into John McCain as we walked underground to the Senate for the final vote. Someday, I'll get to tell my grandkids what he said to me. Hmm, sounds important, Chris. Maybe keep it to yourself or don't tease it like a show. That night, Chris Hayes tweeted, there's something weird about how casual it all is on the floor when so much hangs in the balance, ostensibly describing out of touch, wealthy people in power disconnected from the weight of their actions casually milling about during the intermission of political theater. Where have I seen that before? Recently. Anyway, call these senators to tell them to vote no on the bill and also call Chris Murphy to ask him what John McCain said to him in that cool underground scene from the mid-season cliffhanger of this terrible show. Here's some news.
Another police officer was acquitted after using an easy to use tool for instantly killing people to shoot and kill a black man and et cetera and so forth. You know the drill and like, I didn't even realize this show was still on. It's easy to get distracted by the Trump show. Though honestly, this show kind of jumped the shark when cops were primarily used and developed as slave patrols or maybe police got to be five or three. I don't know, I haven't seen any of them. But protests erupted in St. Louis after the officer's acquittal and before you can say that went well to a glorious canned laughter, it did not go well. And this is the part where we show you the police trampling this old lady.
Cool. Okay. Cool.
After arresting protestors for, after watching that clip, oh my God, who knows, the police tweeted the names of the people arrested and also their home addresses, which some would call doxxing, but others would call being just fucking awful. Many people pointed this out to them and they said it was required and lawful due to the Sunshine Law, a transparency policy in Missouri. I wonder how long it would take to Google the Sunshine Law, click on a PDF of it, hit control F and search for words like arrest and incident report to find a passage that explicitly says, quote, other information, such as phone numbers and addresses, is not subject to disclosure, because of course it's fucking not you fucking cops. I also wonder if it would take as long to do as it did to describe. It did not. Yes, the St. Louis police seemed more socially active than they were during say, the Ferguson season of this show, as they tried to frame protestors as violent and themselves as exercising restraint. Here's a cop holding two spray bottles claiming officers confiscate bottles with unknown chemicals used to against police tonight in downtown hashtag STL. Thank you for the tweet.
But I hope we don't zoom in. No, don't zoom in. Oh no, don't do it, don't zoom in.
Oh no, you've zoomed in to see one bottle is labeled apple cider, which helps alleviate pain from getting pepper sprayed by cops. Crack the case, cop terms.
Speaking of crack, the war on drugs is a failure. Speaking of wars on things and failure, this week marked the 16th anniversary of the first official use of the phrase war on terror, which, oh no. That's not good. The war, which is so far costs trillions of dollars and millions of lives and destroyed many countries and created ISIS and increased terrorism by...
And, ah, happy anniversary. Maybe in this episode, they'll get divorced so they can renew their vows. Like maybe Congress will vote down Rand Paul's attempt to end perpetual war. Ah, romance.
And since the gift for 16th anniversary is money, Congress also approved an increase in the military budget. It's even more than President Trump asked for, which was already a lot, considering our yearly military spending was already more than all of these other countries combined. The increase, which very few senators voted against, would increase the military budget by $80 billion.
Answering the question, you want single payer healthcare? Where do you propose we get any money for anything with frustrated, sad laughter? But sure, $80 billion seems like a lot. But like Bernie Sanders' wacky proposal for free college for all Americans would cost... But cleaning Flint, Michigan's literally poisoned water would cost...
So... Well, hey, it's our anniversary. It's important to show war that Congress appreciates it. After all, it's given us.
Like this war criminal dancing on a show hosted by a woman he fought to deny the rights of. Or be part of increasingly common sentences like Trump's so bad, I miss George W. Bush. War criminal. So, looking forward to the no public regret followed by Public Forgiveness tour of Donald Trump and Mike Pence in 10 years when our new president is a pile of slugs. |
dropout | pick_up_artist_or_serial_killer_the_game_show | Hi, I'm Mike, and I'm Pat, and we're in Hollywood, California, where Russell Crowe works.
Ooh, you know, the dating scene is tough for women these days, especially when a lot of guys have read that popular pickup manual, The Game. That's the book that teaches men how to manipulate women into liking them. Yeah, we noticed that a lot of sections of the book sound an awful lot like something a psychopath might say. So we're here to see if women on the street can tell quotes from The Game.
Now, what made you want to see The Game there? I don't know. Do people say cliche things like that? The correct answer is The Game. No!
I'm probably one of the most dangerous men in the world, if I want to be, but I never wanted to be anything but me. I'm gonna go with The Game again. Murderer or a serial killer. If he wanted to be dangerous, he could be, but he's not. So he's a flirter, not a fighter. It's Charles Manson.
No! Sorry.
Do you have any horrible pick up stories? A couple weeks ago I was out at the bar and someone came up to me and they go, you know, you have dead people lips. What? Dead people lips? Every woman I met seemed disposable and replaceable.
It's a serial killer. I would hope a serial killer. It sounds like a serial killer. It does sound like a serial killer.
Unfortunately, yet again, this is from The Game. So not disposable and replaceable as in like, disposing a body, disposable like women don't matter. Like a plastic fork. Yeah, exactly. Useful at the time and then you're done with it. Consistent failure to attain goals throughout life results in defeatism, low self-esteem or depression. From The Game? The Game. I'm gonna say pick up artist. Well that is actually from Sociopath. Oh god.
Never lose hope. Be persistent and stubborn and never give up. There are many instances in history where apparent losers suddenly turn out to be winners unexpectedly. So you should never conclude all hope is lost.
Pick up artist? Gonna say that's a serial killer.
It's a game because that's even more of a pep talk. It is even more of a pep talk.
Unfortunately that is from the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. I want to learn martial arts so when I want to kill someone I can do something about it. Serial killer. I'm gonna say serial killer. Hopefully that's from a serial killer.
Oh my god. Guilt. It's the mechanism we use to control people. It's an illusion. It's a kind of social control mechanism and it's very unhealthy.
The pick up artist. I would hope that's a serial killer. The game. Unfortunately it is from mass murderer Ted Bundy. Kept a head in a refrigerator I think. In order to excel at anything there are always hurdles, obstacles or challenges one must get passed. The game. I'm gonna say serial killer. The game. That is from the game. You're on the board. Do you feel better about serial killers or worse about guys? Um, both. |
cracked | exclusive_interview_with_daniel_o_brien_for_real_this_time_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with the biggest if you were here last week. You saw we had an interview with Daniel Uh, but a planned interview with Daniel O'Brien swallow. I know it didn't work out Don't hassle me about it But word of my reportage skills must have got around because today I have an appointment with Daniel O'Brien here with Daniel O'Brien Cracked a common is the first question cracked after hours also OCPCD that video about Andrew Jackson that video about The thing with movies where like they don't totally make sense columns podcasts books stand up. He does stand up. Can you guys believe it?
What are you what are you doing? What are you feeling?
What do you think this is the interview you wanted to book a tent you said like 11 o'clock Friday? We need to talk meet me and like alone in the conference room I don't think I stressed alone just so we're absolutely clear and I'm certain that I didn't say Bring a camera and film it and prepare. I mean, I don't wanna say questions cuz I don't think that's where that sentence Was going to end.
We're on where this is. We're on camera. I know I ever I see we're doing that I prefer to scope if you if you put that away you prefer that too Probably I didn't bring him where this is going. So the camera down put the camera down put the camera down.
Okay Okay. Wow. Look at you. You look. All right often.
We'll go off the record. We'll go off the record All right, just put the camera. It's a deep throat deep throat situation Alex.
Thanks for coming in right off the bat Don't get nervous. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not in trouble Your job is is fine Somebody don't protest a bit much, right?
I'm sorry, so you're still obviously filming this. I'm just Shakespeare smugly Bastardized Shakespeare into your phone.
It's like let's just move on Let's your commute. How is your commute?
It's a word good time. Do you Leave the office would you say on average and answer last one out, you know, okay. I want to bring something up there's Security cameras all over this building. So if you were and I'm not saying you like this but You can't sleep in the office, I mean I I think I can find a way No, it has nothing to do with your craftiness. I I get in Uh in the morning and then I leave at night and I what time about I go hang out with friends We never talk anymore That is like so many friends you're sounding like a like a robot Pretending to be a human. Oh, thank you. Oh So we built a straight relationship with the building superman at work superman at work But no one's here. I can't be superman at work It does something to the mind when you're sleeping and living in the place where you also work That does something it it it impacted sort it Impacted this employee that i'm talking about It was so oh my god, because he he's like way into rocks. Okay. I'm glad you bring this up Does he have fucking rocks in this building? Everywhere god go back to security and tell them that you are not going to be sleeping here anymore and for that to be true Okay Yeah, me too Do you think it's going to be true when I tell them that can I can you guarantee me?
We'll see that that's like another question. Sorry about that's like a loaded question.
I know you moved out here And I know that's tough. Yeah, I want to make sure right You're okay. I had people looking out for me when I first moved here and it was very very helpful You haven't spoken that much but i'm I here you can talk to me This is really cool of you and I feel like most people would just be like please be my roommate And not kind of you know work up to it like all right great meeting.
Yeah, it was Thank you Thank you for Daniel O'Brien. Thank you guys so much for watching my interview with Daniel O'Brien Daniel Is there anything you would like to say to close out this interview? Alex? Thanks for telling me your relationship And I do think that you are fine. You really said that great. Thanks. Bye Hey, thanks for watching the new new guy video. I actually wanted to talk to you real quick I've been reading some of the comments and I've noticed you don't really like them And that's kind of just too bad I know they're not like But they're here so You don't have to watch them, but they will still be here |
dropout | hardly_working_killing_hitler | It's your shirt, Pat told you he'd meet us here. Me? I thought he told you. You're right, he did tell me. Alright. Oh, and dad, thank you for meeting me.
What I have to tell you will blow your minds. Wow! I haven't told you yet, but, uh, I haven't vented a time machine. That's incredible! Let's go back and write Beatles songs before the Beatles do. Dave's on Piggy's. Oh, no, no, no! I invented a time machine to make the world a better place, which is why I'm going to travel back and kill Adolf Hitler. Wow. I parked the machine in Ricky's office, and when I return, I will have saved millions of lives.
Hey, guys. Hey, Hitler Killer. How was killing Hitler?
I don't want to talk about it.
What happened to your nose, and your eye, and your self-confidence? Beat me up, OK? Hitler, Hitler, beat you up?
Ha, ha, ha, OK, he's really tall, alright? He's like 5'8", and he's got a good reach.
Why did you think it'd be easy to beat up Hitler in the first place? I mean, let alone kill him. I guess I didn't think that far ahead, you turd.
We have a time machine. Why don't we just take it back to when he was a kid, and then kill him? That's a great idea, Dan. OK, so go back.
No, no, no, no. You already had your chance? Now it's Gerwich Hitler bashing time. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh my god, are you OK? Freaking Kid Hitler?
Dan, relax. Calm down.
What happened? OK, well, I was totally going to kill Kid Hitler, right? Like I saw him in his parking lot, and I was like, hey, are you Hitler? And he was like, that's my name. Don't wear it out. He would say that, Hitler. So how'd you kill him?
OK, well, hold on. I was totally gunna, but then he had one of his jerk friends kneel down behind me, and he shoved me over. Look at my elbow. It's legit scraped.
Dan, he's 13 years old. 13 and a half.
Why are your pants down? Because Kid Hitler told me to pull them down, and he said I couldn't pull them back up until I got home. All right, Hitler play time's over.
Whoa, where'd you get that gun? Koreatown, Market of Shadows.
You know, whatever Hitler's done before now is fine, but he's crossed a line. He's a dead man. Or, as the Germans say, Seifenschau. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks worse. Yeah, it's infected.
He stole it! Hitler stole my gun. What? I went back in time, and I found six-year-old Hitler, and I was totally going to shoot him. But the one second, I wasn't paying attention. The little snake snapped from my gun. Great going, Owen. Now Hitler has a machine gun.
Would you tell him how to invent an atomic bomb, too? You didn't. I had to tell him something. He had me in a nasty-ass headlock. Anything else? Well, he asked me for my name, but I don't see how that.
Oh, my god. Oh, he did it! The dude totally did it! Did what?
He said that when he became chancellor of Germany, he was going to rename Berlin, Owen Sucks. Man, name one person who's been screwed over by Hitler more than me.
Well, I guess I better go destroy the time machine before we do any more damage to history. Oh, yeah, you'll probably want to turn it off first. I left it on in the other room. You left it? Oh, and you never leave the time machine on!
Why is that bad? Guys, kid Hitler's here, and he's pissed. Did his turtle flush? You didn't! I had to tell him something. He had me in a nasty-ass headlock. Anything else? Well, he asked me for my name, but I don't see how that.
Oh, my god. Oh, he did it! The dude totally did it! Did what?
He said that when he became chancellor of Germany, he was going to rename Berlin, Owen Sucks. Man, name one person who's been screwed over by Hitler more than me.
Well, I guess I better go destroy the time machine before we do any more damage to history. Oh, yeah, you'll probably want to turn it off first. I left it on in the other room. You left it? Oh, and you never leave the time machine on!
Why is that bad? Guys, kid Hitler's here, and he's pissed. Did his turtle flush? |
cracked | why_the_plot_of_starcraft_is_insane_escort_mission | Oh? Tim Taylor? Scooby-Doo. Oh, okay. But why, though?
I just haven't seen you on a computer recently. Playing Starcraft to kill some time while my consoles update. Oh, man, I remember this game.
Are you desorbed to the protons? No. Humans? Boring.
Terrans. What about Terrans? Is it coming over later? Terrans!
They're called Ter- nevermind. Yeah, I'm the humans. Or rather, I actually think I'm the clones of humans. I don't know, they come out of vats and they all have identical voices. Get your head out of your ass. Sure, but there are those heroes people too, right? The ones with the different voices and personalities? Are those clones too, Mr. Smart Guy? Yeah.
My head is so far away from my ass, it takes me a month to poop out food. Oh, me too. But because of my diet.
Yes, there are regular humans, but your main units are mostly clones. All according to the instruction manual, you're actually all descended from cybernetically enhanced mutant criminals. Your empire, the Confederacy of Man, was founded by a convict ship. Why the hell would we send our most advanced ship to the furthest reaches of space filled with convicts? Cybernetically enhanced convicts.
So it's Space Australia? If Australians got caught up in the middle of a centuries-old war between a race of slimy space monsters and the superior race bent on exterminating them at all costs- I think about it. That does explain why they always blast Hillbilly Rock and talk like ex-convicts. Yeah.
I mean, the cutscenes never really give you the impression that these are trained scientists you're working with. As opposed to untrained scientists.
Plus, on my homepage, the Starcraft Wiki, it says most of the Marines had to undergo brain surgery or like drug therapy to inhibit their aggression. And these are soldier convicts we're talking about, you know? They were deemed too angry to go on suicide missions against aliens. I mean, the Terrans cast- Oh, Terrans is finally getting his cast off? The human cast of Starcraft, basically a bunch of confederate good old boys who were so violent the state had them chemically castrated and shot into space. And we gave them cloning technology and tanks. Their punishment for their crimes is to be a super-powered astronaut. Why would we do that unless we knew they were going to become embroiled in a galactic war?
Well, it's a good thing we did! I don't want a bunch of pansy-ass Scrabble players digging wells. I want badass fire bats asking me if I need a light. Not to mention my stalwart SCVs reporting for nitty!
So Southern accent equals space convicts? Am I getting that right? Judging by the fact that Blizzard decided to slap a confederate flag on most of their ships, yeah, I think you're getting that pretty much right. It's a pretty simplistic view of Southerners, dude. Well, you know, some claim that the prison population is the new slavery. And I seem to be playing as a voice in the sky who can tell my men to do whatever I want for no pay, so who am I to talk?
Oh, check it! I'm about to ghost a nuke in. Burn, you sons of bitches! I'm gonna send my vultures in there to pick them clean, and we's gonna have a barbecue! Core Hall shall rise again!
Ooh!
Well, I'm gonna go for a jog.
Do you want to kill him? Yes. Definitely.
Okay, see you later. See you later.
Hey, guys! You made it! Well, that's it for your escort mission. Thank you for watching. Please don't forget to subscribe for more great cracked videos just like this one. Uh, yeah, and let us know in the comments section if you guys think the prison population is the new slavery. Sure. |
cracked | 4_embarrassing_attempts_to_cash_in_on_famous_viral_videos_spit_take_theater | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of crack Today's episode is about It's pretty clear what Mike Collins had in mind when he decided to make a campaign ad that spoofs Van Dam's epic split Volvo ad I made my money in trucking my party claims Obamacare is going to divide the nation split is a synonym for divide I can do the splits probably I've never tried. Maybe I should nah Sure, it's good This will be the most successful attempt to cash in on Van Dam's talent since the last 95% of Van Dam's career His inner monologue had a zinger at the end for some reason to be fair to Collins We're all a little splits blind for instance. I was surprised to learn. Yep. That's my limit Unfortunately when your message is that Obamacare is dividing the country and you only get 65 out of the full 180 degrees that Van Dam pulls off in the original your message comes off lessas Mike Collins will unite this split nation and more as Mike Collins only thinks the country's this split so not bad Really perhaps recognizing this that never makes the split legs split country metaphor They clearly had in mind and instead claim the connection is that this ad was performed on a closed course to demonstrate how dangerous Obamacare is it's performed on a closed course because those are safe and while I'm sure it's wildly dangerous and completely against the advice of every Person you ran it by it. Just like doesn't look that dangerous.
You can barely tell you're moving man Like Kevin Bacon and Footloose and Al Pacino and cruising Sometimes you just got to dance out our emotions It's what Marina Shiffrin did when she used interpretive dance to quit her job at a media company Taste an early Kanye deep ish cuts is flawless and she dances like nobody's ever felt a song harder than she's feeling that one just generally drops a pretty devastating mic and walks off stage, but I Don't know maybe a bit dramatic quitting viral videos are fun But they're one side of the story the employee gets to play on the shots and edit them into an awesome music video and the employer Just automatically becomes treadstone just a bunch of dudes in suits shouting take the shot into a phone somewhere It's not like the company's gonna prolong the story by choreographing their own dance video that gives you an unmistakable sense of how shady a place It is to work. I'm sorry Sorry, I'm being told I'm being told that's exactly what the company did But the little man who lives in my finger turns out her former employees are assholes There's just so much to hate in this response video the brag about the office's rooftop pool and sauna for starters Who wants to go in a sauna with co-workers? Oh Creeps that's who nice song choice guys watching the reaction video right after the first video There's a point towards the end where the song you're hearing again for the second time in three minutes Like the FBI is trying to smoke you out of a compound starts fading into the background When that happens if you listen really closely you can actually hear the meeting where the bosses decide we need to get out In front of this and prove we are a fun place where people don't take themselves Seriously, if you're gonna put this much effort into making your company look like the most fun stress-free pizza jam ever thrown You might want to hide the clearly miserable employees behind a plan or a cardboard cutout of Scotty Pippen or something Just clearly have a lot of work to do and they're trying not to let themselves get distracted by their boss walking around with a camera Shouting more fun funner dancing.
Oh Shit somebody should probably go talk to her preferably not the guy who poops in the ladies room and thinks It's a funny joke When consumers raise questions about pink slime showing up in fast food restaurants McDonald's Canada took those concerns head-on Maybe a little too head-on so next the bin of chicken breast meats are pushed to the blending room Nothing wrong with a rolling bin of chicken breasts slashing down the hall. Not my favorite image I wouldn't put it on the menu But I've all got to eat right and adding the ground chicken breast meat to the blender with some seasonings Oh cool. So what started as chicken meat now looks like oatmeal that's been thrown up by chickens That's not better than pink slime guys pink slime is a bad name But at least it looked like ice cream This looks like a corrupted batch of spackle left out in the Sun and Home Depot parking lot The London chicken meat will be portioned into the four chicken bacon nuggets shapes the ball the bell the boot and the bowtie That's what those are.
I thought the shapes were scream face Charlie Brown face frankincense and face an elephant man face Back in 2012 can't stop songwriters Rock City were like we just wrote the best Rihanna song ever but Rihanna doesn't want to sing it What do we do? Producer Mike will was like Miley Cyrus The song was huge because people love Rihanna and the video was actually interesting and everyone had weird feelings about a girl who started As a country singer trying on hip-hop like it's a silly outfit She thought her friends would find hilarious and that's when her dad Billy Ray Cyrus was like why me too What my impressions lack in range they more than make up for and sort of making sense as Donald Sterling impression And broke the silence He upped Miley's twerking with bare-ass models of his own also twerking But harder then name-checked his own daughter and her latest hit All while singing a clumsily Wrapified version of his one big song that came out the same year his daughter was born all I know is that if Billy Ray Cyrus and Dina Lohan ever dated they'd be the power couple of parents no longer admitted into clubs at their children's request Hey, thanks for watching that video please Subscribe to our YouTube channel if you liked it and you want to see more videos like it if you didn't like the video Hit subscribe on our YouTube channel and a message will be sent to me saying that you didn't like it And I will feel really bad, so you will hurt my feelings Just again subscribe if you liked it, or if you want to hurt me click click subscribe And I'll and that'll work Thanks |
TheOnion | EDGE_What_s_Up_With_This_Big_Hole | Let's burn Barcelona to the ground! Spiky as fuck.
Recently, Edge came across something truly unbelievable. A big hole in the ground that we've never seen of or heard of before.
What was it all about? How long has it been there? And what the hell was it doing? We sent reporter, Nick Moss, to find out.
There, there. Hold up, hold up. Right there.
My God, that is so fucked up. Jesus Christ.
Here in the middle of nowhere is the kind of hole you just never imagined seeing with your own eyes. As far as we know, it's never been filmed by anyone. I don't know if it's safe. I don't know anything. Except that no one in the media is talking about this hole. And no one in the media has certainly ever gone down into it.
Until now. So right now, the hole is about 80 feet behind me. But there's no clear way to get to it safely. So we have to... Okay, okay. Okay, I'm being told that we probably shouldn't get any closer to the hole in broad daylight. So let's get back to the cars.
This is fucking insane. Shit. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
As it turned out, getting anyone to talk about the hole was just as hard as getting into the hole itself. We asked several government agencies if they knew anything. But they just shut us down completely. But their lack of transparency wasn't going to stop us from finding out more about the hole.
We'd return at nightfall. Okay, it's about 3.15 a.m. We're gonna make our move on the hole. Okay, okay, it's happening, let's go.
Holy shit. Everything about this operation was dangerous. We could have fallen into the hole or dropped something in it. At this point, anything was a possibility. We're nearing the edge of the hole. We're about 15 feet away now. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I mean, I can't even feel my fucking legs right now. Whoa, holy fuck. Okay, this is definitely the edge of the hole. I mean, I am at a precipice. Fuck. It took some expert maneuvering and there were some tense moments where we didn't know what was going to happen to us. But then, somehow, we reached the bottom. What the fuck? Jesus, there's dirt everywhere. I'm so turned around, I don't even know where we are right now. I was so determined to get inside the hole, I never considered what would happen once I got inside the hole.
How big is this thing? Was I risking too much? Was all this worth it? Is there shit you're just not supposed to know? Maybe.
Guys, I don't like this at all. But at the time, all that mattered was getting out of that goddamn hole for good. We should get out of here, fuck. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, guys, seriously. Oh, fuck. |
dropout | prank_news_on_loud | Hi, we're here in New York City today to prove that people will believe anything you say if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone. Kim Kardashian has announced her candidacy for the California State Senate.
What do you think about that? I'd vote for her if I was in California. So have you seen The Hunger Games? Yes. Are you excited for the reality television show based on the movie? There is. Would you watch someone in that competition die? Probably.
Germany. Invaded Poland earlier today. Do you think America should get involved? I almost want to say no. It's so early on. Those are two very powerful countries.
Zero Dark Thirty is a movie that's been applauded for its realism. What do you think about director Catherine Bigelow's choice to use Osama bin Laden's actual corpse in the film?
It's a creative choice, you know? Is that what you want? Yeah, I mean, whatever makes the movie more realistic. I think that makes it even more real and relatable. If it was, I mean, good for them, good for the production manager finding that body. Jeez, I mean... That's a producing nightmare. |
dropout | Understanding_the_Losers_Who_Use_Instagram_Live | We all know why we're here. Needless to say, nothing that happens here leaves this room. Are we working with Homeland Security to track this guy? We are. To that end, I want you to meet Dr. North. He's a behavioral psychologist out of Langley. Doctor. Yep. We've been tracking your guy, and it's unconfirmed, but we think he makes Instagram Live videos. Dr. North has created a profile of people who use Instagram Live. We want to empower you so you know what you're looking for. I'm sorry, I just transferred here from the X-Files.
What's the problem with Instagram? Not Instagram. Instagram Live.
Open your ears, kid. Streaming yourself says, whatever it is I'm doing is already not interesting enough to hold my attention.
I'm asking you to imagine the kind of mind that decides to inflict that on others. What causes this kind of madness? Right now there are a number of risk factors, but a major one is being a Democrat running for president. They'll stream themselves with a dog they just bought to seem approachable or pretending to like Iowa. Disgusting.
What about moms who broadcast their adult children eating dinner? Moms are more of a factor on Facebook Live. That's where you'll find your boomers and ugly people you went to high school with.
It doesn't come up on Instagram. Basic. I'm sorry. Go on, doctor.
With this common factor across every Instagram Live video, fear. What do you mean? Every broadcaster is telling us one thing.
I am terrified of being alone. They don't look scared to me.
Look closer. Think how broken you'd have to be to broadcast yourself learning a new song on the piano or looking at a supergloom. Imagine thinking anyone gives a... I've never watched an Instagram Live video because I'm not a dork. Can I see one? Yeah. I have one here. I want to remind everybody that the bureau does provide counseling, so take care of yourselves.
This is Paul Houlihan. He's a musician slash model in Jersey City.
Yo, what's up, Houli fam? I'm on 6th Avenue, New York City. What's up? Look, check it out. They got some tall buildings and crap. Yeah, so what's up?
Ask me questions. Why is he staring at us? Stop. Ask away. Stop it. Why is... Anything. What am I watching? Why is he doing this?
Oh, yo, what I had for lunch? Yo, I had the freaking spicy Italian from Subway. Yo, they got this garlic butter sauce that is freaking fire, dude.
Yeah, so check out my profile for the link to my SoundCloud. Jesus Christ. Check it out. Stop it.
Pay special attention to the discomfort in the body language, the demand for questions. He has nothing to say, but he needs to be seen.
Where can we find these psychopaths? I don't like that word, psychopaths.
It makes it too distant, you see. I believe that all of us have an insta-liver lurking inside, and all it takes is just a push, a crush not texting back, or a night spent at home. I just need to say, I'd better broadcast some to people who are only half paying attention. Any one of us can be driven by id to broadcast ourselves making a mediocre meal at home, or standing in line at Six Flags. Loneliness is lethal, and all it takes is a little too much time.
Hey! This SoundCloud really is fun. Yeah! It is! I like it. Is this real? Look at that, baby. Woo! Hey, it's Grant.
If you like college humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of .005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
That's my one thing. That's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I... I need it. |
dropout | running_into_your_ex_ch_shorts | Who is that? That is, uh, Marie.
My ex. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the opening match of running into your ex-girlfriend while with your new girlfriend at a house party. It's going to take a lot of grace and balance for Ali to navigate through the feelings of her ex-girlfriend. While not making her new girlfriend feel weird or shitty. That's right, Lab. Now, before we hop in, let's take a look at our recap. Now, this is the first time Ali and Marie have seen each other since they broke up nine months ago. And Ali and Claire got in a fight last night, so Ali's still recovering from injury. Oh, boy. I just hope she can recover from her poor performance last season. We used to fuck each other.
Now, you don't want to see that from anyone. At least evolve from this bright up and coming. Now, for those of you watching at home, you'll have live scores on the bottom of your screen. Hey! Oh, my God, Marie. Yeah, you see how she's putting away from her there? That's a deduction.
So good to see you. Ooh, Ali's showing great form with the platonic side hug there. That'll get her some points back. You look great. Now, let's see how Ali handles a compliment. Oh, thanks. Yeah, I've been working out.
Now, maybe you can beat up that shitty bartender at El Churros. Yeah, maybe then we'd finally get our guac. Oh, no. This is not good, folks. Ali is severely in the ring.
And not to mention, she still hasn't introduced Claire. Hey, I'm Claire. Oh! Claire! I had to introduce ourselves! Yeah, sorry. I'm Claire.
This is Marie Marie Claire. God almighty, this will be nearly impossible to come back from.
Nice to meet you. How do you two know each other? Make or break moment here. We are dating. Yes. This is my girlfriend. Using the word girlfriend, that's a plus, right?
Wow. That's great. Yeah, it is great. It's been really great. Great.
We are in a real stalemate here, folks. Ali's going to have to pull off a real conversational Hail Mary to get herself out of this one.
Claire has a really cute cat. Yeah, her name's Ursula. She's actually so cute. I'm just going to picture her.
You hate cats, Ali. No, I hate some cats, but doesn't everybody? Remember that time that you threw water on the cat that wouldn't leave your doorstep?
What? Somebody's got to stop it. I thought it was a link. Who would there be a link in those felids? I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.
No coming back from that. Would you pour water on this precious angel? I would never. I would not touch that cat. We don't have to talk about this cat. It slides out.
You've got to wonder why Ali would sabotage herself that way. By being nice to Marie, she was a huge part of her life for two years. But the past is the past. So what, she's just supposed to pretend like she doesn't exist?
Come on, it's more complicated than that. Don't try to explain it complicated to me.
What's up, it's Ali from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
cracked | why_we_hope_disney_s_streaming_service_fails_the_eclipse_more_this_week_in_epcd | Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our unscripted weekly chat show where we talk about all the headlines that have nothing to do with politics or the president, which I think have been pretty quiet lately anyway.
So I wouldn't.
I'm your host Daniel O'Brien. This is my co-host Maggie Mayfish. Hi. Oh, Maggie.
Already being her classic very normal self. And Sorin Bowie has joined us again. Hey, not a host, not really in anything. Just a warm body in the chair.
Yep. We do need one. Yeah. We're incredibly cold people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cold-blooded. Thank you.
We're going to talk about Star Wars and Disney and Frasier and Mark Wahlberg probably. Let's get right into it with the weekend headlines. We have an actual thing that plays there. I hope it's good. I'll watch the show at some point, I promise.
I briefly wanted to talk about Frasier. This is sort of a selfish thing. Like Frasier made headlines today, Frasier, the show Frasier, made headlines today because someone at NBC is talking about doing a Frasier revival. It's the same guy who's orchestrated this. It's Greenblatt who orchestrated the Will and Grace revival, is very interested in doing a Frasier and a 30 Rock revival actually, but he doesn't think the Frasier thing is going to happen. And that's the end of that story. I only bring it up because I wanted to talk about this other Frasier. I've been down like a deep dive into Frasier lately. So Kelsey Grammer who plays Frasier and Frasier, when he was 13 years old, his father was shot and murdered by a psychopath.
And a few years later, his sister was attacked and murdered. And then shortly after that, his two step brothers were killed in an apparent shark attack. I think his sister was kidnapped and murdered.
Yes. Yeah.
And the co-creator of Frasier and his wife were in the plane that crashed into the two towers in 9-11. So he's just this man who was like attacked on all sides by massive tragedy. And it's really weird to me that all this happened to him and he could still be a funny person on television.
And also a thing that I can't understand, the last name of the man who murdered Frasier's father is Niles. That was a year response to that. Who on this show thought it was a good idea to be like, Frasier you don't have a lot of friends but there's one person you love and you're going to make you say like I love you Niles. Thanks for coming Niles.
While you're both like sharing the burden of your father who was shot in this show. It's like a, it's almost sitcom ask. It's like if you had a sitcom about Martha Todd.
Is that Lincoln's wife? Mary Todd. Yeah. Martha Washington Mary Todd.
And just like putting her in scenarios where she constantly has to say the word booth. Like you're working in like an existing booth. You work in a pizza restaurant. You have to tell people where to sit.
Yeah. And she just has to constantly, it comes up over and over and over for her. I love this is some kind of immersion therapy for him that his doctor, the one who listens to Frasier was like you just got to surround yourself with Niles just like just really live and live in the Niles. That's horrible advice. That's crazy. You wanted to talk about death and murder? Yeah. It's a, this is. Try walking in Niles in his shoes. The show is quickly becoming like a ring situation for me where I find something that I get obsessed with like that nut case that we talked about a few weeks ago and I swim in it for a little while and I'm like here you go the people.
Now you live with this and you must know this and try to connect the dots to see if it means anything. Here's a, I don't think I've ever told you this story. Do you know the song, you know, the Tossed Salad and Scrambled Egg song?
Yes. That plays during Frasier. How that song was written? No. So they went to a guy who was a composer and asked him to come up with a song for the show and like we don't want it to be too related to what he's actually doing. It can be kind of weird. And so he gave him this song and they were like perfect. It makes no sense. It's awesome. I think it's, I hear the blues are calling Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs. And then to hear him describe it, you will hate this song because he talks, he thinks the composer. Yeah. The composer thinks it's perfectly correlated with the show.
So I hear the blues are calling. He works in a radio show and the blues, like people with problems are calling in.
Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs are the types of people he has to deal with. Like crazy people. And he thinks Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs are two different synonyms for crazy.
He thinks, yes, he's a nun. And what is it going to do? There's a whole section of the song, like I can't remember the lyrics. Maybe I seem a bit confused. Well, maybe. But I've got you pegged. Oh, I may be a bit confused because he's got his own problems, but he can still diagnose people on the radio.
It's so dumb.
You will hate the song. And now it plays at the end of every episode and I used to love it because it's Kelsey Grammer singing it.
It's weird. And now I'm just like, oh, this provides some of the funniest moments in that show. It's almost like the smash cut to the title card and always sunny in Philadelphia and it's timing. I don't know if they did it on purpose because it's like it's a sitcom. It needs to be a certain length. But there are a lot of episodes in the first season where things just won't get resolved. Like there's a brief subplot where Daphne Moon goes on a date with Bulldog and he gets arrested or beat up or something like that. And you think that it's not Seinfeld where everything gets tied up together.
They just pivot to another story and Frasier and Niles are sitting in a restaurant and they're like, man, we really let dad down today. He really took us to task. Hey, baby, I hear that. They were not afraid to just end an episode when they're like, oh, time's up. We can all go home. Oh, we never we never resolved this thing with Martin. We got twenty two minutes.
Oh, great. Great.
They they did an episode where Niles and and Frasier bought a restaurant together like just like the nicest restaurant in Seattle. And by the end of it, they have burned most of it down. And that's the end of the episode. Like they learn a lesson about how they should be better as brothers and more communicative with one another. And that's the lesson. Like, yeah, we never hear about this restaurant ever again that they own now and is in ruins.
That's so fantastic. I don't. I never thought we were talking about this much. My card just says Frasier. That's it.
But someone, Meg, you've been pretty quiet on the Frasier front. So I bet there's something you actually want to talk about. I've seen Frasier here and there. But yeah, so the thing that I want to talk about is Jennifer Lawrence recently came out and said the movie Passengers.
The critics did not like it. Most of them said it was really creepy, how a guy kind of like picked her, woke up from her sleep and lied to her. Yeah, lied to her.
They're on a journey that will take an impossible amount of time. Certainly to cry asleep. His pod malfunctions. So he is out and he goes crazy for a little while and like stares at this sleeping woman and then just decides, well, you die. I'm going to wake her up, lie to her and say that her thing malfunctioned as well.
And then we're going to have a life together. Right. And it's a love story.
It's kidnapping, basically. Kidnapping somebody from sleep.
Right. And like condemning them to die also. You have to die in space with me because we're not going to make the journey. Exactly.
Over a fun day with the semi-attractive man. But yeah, so anyways, critics had said those complaints. And Jennifer Lawrence recently said in an interview that she now sees that the movie was problematic and wish that he she had noticed it while they were filming and if she had noticed it, she would have changed it and said that the lady wakes up first. She goes crazy, then wakes up the attractive man.
So it's less still better. Yeah, it's not better.
And like the thing that the movie did is she finds out because Martin Sheen Robot tells her that Chris Pratt did this to her and she gets really mad. And she goes really crazy and hates him for it. And they get into a big fight. She's like, I never want to see you again. And then they forget about that because the ship starts to blow up.
Yeah. And so she and now the recently resurrected Lawrence Fishburne put the ship back together. Lawrence Fishburne dies of space poison. And then Chris Pratt is like another young black man taking before his time. I know. Space poison. When will it stop? And then Chris Pratt was like, I saved the ship and and like we reconnected a little bit. But I also I built a new pod for you so you can have cryo sleep and you can and I'll just die. Yeah.
Like only one of us can can do this and it should be you. And then we decide by the end of the movie that we learn that she decided not to. And they live together like she falls in love with her captor and they live together and make a nice little home and then leave a note for Captain Andy Garcia, who surprised was in this movie doesn't say we're just shows up at the end with a with a wacky beard and is like, they built a tree in our spaceship. This is weird to wake up to.
Yeah. Which is that's very similar to the plot of Pompeii. Oh, really? Well, it's just cool. Is this is all just been a way for you to work to Pompeii? So my one card says Pompeii.
We're going to talk about that. Yeah, that's a bummer that that she came out and said, yeah, I realize it's bad now what it should have been is this other really terrible thing. It was still not great. And yeah, it's kind of like the revisionist history of that history of actors coming out and like start like trying to buddy, buddy up with the critics saying like, oh, yeah, I also agree with the thing that you said about the movie specifically with with passengers. And this is a thing that will get me in trouble. But I'm I'm of split mind of it. When I look at the sequence of events, I'm like, yeah, that's that's a Stockholm syndrome. That's someone falling in love with their captor slash rapist. That's that's not that's bad. That's like a psychological. That's a problem.
There's the other part of me that says the movie is in charge of this universe. The movie decides what what is real. And this movie is trying to tell us that these two people are actually in love. Love is a magic thing. It happens to have been shared by these people regardless of circumstances. If they hadn't if he hadn't woken her up, if they were both still on Earth, love would have made them come together. And they were and and like true love is the most powerful thing of all.
Like I'm usually pretty as much as we tear everything apart on the site. I tend to in my own movie watching is like, according to this movie, it's not a problem. Right. Those are the universe. It's fine. Right.
And I fully in the person that wrote it. It was one of the most sought after scripts for a very long time in Hollywood. It was like on the top blacklist for ever. And I'm one hundred percent certain that that was the intent of the script that just like when it played out, people were like, oh, wait a minute. Well, yeah, you you introduce it then into our universe with our rules.
Right.
You can't help but try and trace them over one another. You're like, oh, well, this doesn't fit at all. Yeah. And so and I'm sympathetic to her in that circumstance where she got into a movie that she didn't realize was super problematic because there have been several times where I found myself in that sort of circumstance where like I've even written something and brought it into the team during the pitch room and feel like, yeah, this is good. Yeah, this part's really sexist, though, right? And I'm like, oh, yeah, wow.
And you don't have to say, no, it's not because I'm not. I checked with myself and I'm not so I checked in. I kind of am still really working on it and I'm trying to be better. But you're right.
I'm kind of sexist, but I'll die in like 60 years. I'll be no more. I'll be innocuous till then.
Like, you don't have to worry about it. Just don't actively worry.
But the reason that you did bring this up is Frasier. It's wanted to talk about writers, directors, stars, producers coming out after a movie has come out and said, yeah, this is bad. I apologize for it.
And if we think they should be allowed to do that or. Yeah, I think for me, I think I like it. I like when actors do that in directors because I think it's honest. I think it's more annoying for them to try to play it off, like the song guy making a song about. Yeah, that's how it's going. And Salander trying to come back and trying to prove that it was great or like phenomenal filmmaking. Like the song guy.
You hear that song guy, your legacy is garbage. No one remembers you. Yeah, I hope he feels really offended by what I just said.
But yeah, I like it. Especially for actors, because I mean, they honestly have the least amount of control over any of this. Yeah, there's tremendous amount of faith in being an actor. Yes. So you will be presented in a good light and that. Right. Yeah, and they hardly get to choose their projects. A lot of times they're shoved in by like hundreds of other people. They really don't have a lot of say. So yeah.
I in general don't like it and specifically don't like actors doing it. I'm opposite of you. In general I don't like it and I think it just stems from being like a company man at heart, which is what I am.
Like you sign on this thing to do a job and someone else paid you to do it and you work for them. And part of your contract is not saying bad things about it. And you will experience, you're a famous, your most famous actress in the world right now, Jennifer Lawrence. You will experience no repercussions for this. But even if you weren't the most famous, you got paid to do a job and you're not... blowing the whistle on them. You're not like trying to shut down production. It's after the fact and you're like, yeah, that was ****. That was **** and I'm better. I've had bad jobs that I wouldn't like, I don't tell people at the restaurants that I'm working at that the boss sucks or that the food isn't great. And I won't publicly speak ill of this amazing website for the rest of my life no matter what happens. Because it's the job that I signed on to do.
And it's like, I don't know. I put it too much with like, some will reveal why this is some latent mental problem that I have.
But I agree with like family. Like I'm not gonna get in a fight with my family but I'm not gonna go out and like **** my dad to someone no matter what happens. Because like family's family, work is also family. I don't agree with you. That work is family.
Like I agree with Maggie that I appreciate it when they're honest about, it just didn't work out. Like we tried to make this thing and it's not good and sometimes they're just not great. And I don't think that they, because that's not like a career job to them, that's a one-off freelance job basically as far as most of those people are concerned. And the fact that, I guess if it's in their contract obviously to, you cannot talk bad about this when you're at the junkets and stuff, then I understand. But if they're just being honest about a film that they tried to make, it just didn't go their way.
And now they want to give you like the honest take on it. I appreciate that way more because then you can actually, you'll listen to what somebody has to say. You'll listen to what that director has to say or that actor has to say about films that they're in after that play.
Otherwise it's just noise. It's like every football player after the end of a game when they're like, it wasn't really me, it was the team and it was like, no David Johnson, you scored six touchdowns by yourself. We all saw it.
And you don't think it's worse when actors do it? Because like Jennifer Lawrence can make a problematic movie and still be fine. Yeah. And now she's a famous untouchable person who was like, yeah, it was bad. And you know, who knows if that director is going to get to work again or the writer. It is a bummer that they do that. No, you signed on to this movie because you agreed with it and I don't, no one's going to, Entertainment Weekly's not going to come to me now and put me on TV and be like, Jennifer Lawrence said your movie's bad. Would you like to defend yourself now? He doesn't have that opportunity. That's true. Catherine Heigl did a lot of that too where after she would do something she'd be like, no, it was problematic from the start. I don't like it. Well, I think, yeah, there's two ways to do it.
There's one where actors are doing it for attention and like drag their feet about stuff and like won't show up to their press junkets. And that is super annoying because they're just doing it for attention.
But I also think, yeah, there's like the honest thing of like, look, I'm an artist, I did some work and I did not turn out what, how I liked. I'm just not proud. Yeah, I guess what I would prefer is name something closer with Dan said to take ownership over it, to be like, you don't talk about that the movie is s***. You could be like, I wasn't that great in this. I didn't feel like I did my, I didn't feel like I did it. Yeah, talk about yourself. Yeah, I wasn't great. Turn it on with you. Self-reflection, I agree with that. You found a bunch of other quotes from actors and people who were unhappy about the movies that they did. I think my favorite, it's the only one I wrote down.
It's Frasier? It's Frasier. It's a, he hated Frasier.
You didn't know why he did it for the language. That's so sad. Oh, what if he did? It's all in my gosh. It's Mark Wahlberg from The Happening.
The quote they have is, f***ing trees, man. The plants, f*** it.
You can't blame me for wanting to try to play a science teacher. At least I wasn't playing a cop or a crook. It's so, he took that movie because he got to play a science teacher and just wanted to try what that was like.
And it's so adorable. I love it. The only thing I'm pissed is that he didn't say, I wanted to branch out. Just perfect.
This is not the man for that job. Yeah, I also don't know if I believe that he didn't like that script. Because I feel like I would have liked that script if I had just read it.
Not like fully processed, oh yeah, trees are killing us. This is silly. That's so funny that he also spoils it in the quote. F***ers, man. The plants, f*** it.
He said, look, I'll be honest, I f***ing hate that movie. I hate that movie.
I was pushed into doing that movie. So he pushed him onto set. Go, go, go. You're for the camera now, dude. You're locked in. Just stay the line.
This one surprised me. Paul Newman, The Silver Chalice, which I haven't seen.
He said it was the worst motion picture produced in the 1950s. Which is rough. Because there's a lot of movies from the 1950s. And it's certainly some of them suck.
I mean, that's a decade. That's not even a specific year. That's an entire 10-year stretch.
That's rough. Paul Newman. He's really hard as well.
Beautiful, beautiful, amazing man. He is beautiful.
Mark Wahlberg. Ben Affleck said about, I've never been able to pronounce this movie.
Gigooly. Gigooly? Gigooly. I think it's Jenny from Ben Affleck. Do what it's called. Throw some confidence behind it. Gigooly. That doesn't mean faster. Nuts. Gigooly. Ben Affleck in the film Gigooly said, people bring up 2003.
And I get it. I love that one. That's so honest.
And then Charlize Theron said about Reindeer Games. Reindeer Games was not a good movie. Oh, I like Reindeer Games.
She's wrong. She is South African.
British? You want to do it? Yeah. And you have weapons wick. Okay, perfect. And you have weapons wick. Me? Great. Yeah, that's what I got. I'll get some notes about that.
Needlessly pulled out a British accent for Charlize Theron. Isn't she? She's South African. South African, yeah. That's a Theron. But she changed it because her agent was like, no one's going to be able to pronounce that.
Maggie, I'm bored. Did you have a pop culture thing you wanted to talk about? Yeah, super pop culture-ish.
All the kids are talking about an eclipse that's coming up. So there's going to be an eclipse. They're calling it the Great American Eclipse because it's making a big diagonal cross across the United States. Oregon to South Carolina. Yeah, and you're going to be able to see. It's a full eclipse. We've had eclipses in our lifetime. They happen about every 18 months. There is a full eclipse somewhere on Earth, but usually it's over some ocean or some part of the Earth that's not inhabited.
But occasionally it is. And right now it happens to be over us. And people are going nuts for this thing. Like there are people, shadow chasers is what they're called. And these people follow these things everywhere. That's what they've decided they're called. It is, yeah. That's what they should be called. That's in their ideal world where the shadow chasers.
Right. And f***ing moon idiot. Right.
And these people are bizarre. This is a religious experience to them. They talk about how when they go there people are trembling during it. And some people will just openly weep when they see it.
I guess with a full eclipse, it all gets very, very dark immediately. Everything gets very quiet. The wind picks up because the temperature changes so quick. And it does feel like an apocalyptic scenario for a little bit. And it's very unnerving. But it's just f***ing close. Like we know what it is now. But here are the things, like tangibly here are the craziest things that are happening because of it.
In Oregon, where it's crossing over, there's, they call the National Guard already. Because they're expecting over a million people to flood into Oregon during this time. A million new people in Oregon. Wait, the shadow hunters are expecting a million people?
No, no, no. This is Oregon? Oregon? Oregon itself. Yeah. And there are all these like little residual things that you wouldn't even think about.
Like that the Oregon Liquor Control Commission, they're in charge of alcohol but also marijuana. They warned Oregon months in advance that they're like, you need a lot more weed because you're going to run out. This is like condoms in the Olympic Village. They're going to have a shortage because so many people are buying weed right now in Oregon. And a couple other places, I mean a lot of places that it's going over are very red, I would say. Red states in which I think they still think of marijuana as the devil's food. Yeah, it's a gateway drug and they won't touch it. But there's like Athens, Georgia on one end and Oregon at the other. And both those places I think are just like, they're out of weed.
Yeah. Everybody has bought weed there. Those poor people. Yeah. These millions of people.
Because these are people like, for me, I hear about this eclipse three days ago. Like, oh, that's interesting. And I'm not super invested in how often that happens or how rare this is. But there are people, these people that we're talking about, like this is an event for them that they have saved money for for years. Like, there are people because there are festivals that are having events around this and like millions of dollars in tickets to sit in a field in Oregon and just like camp and watch for three days. These are people who like, I'm not taking a trip for the next 10 years because I'm saving my time and money for this moment. And like, I never want to make fun of anyone for being passionate about a thing.
Yeah. But you also, you can expect that with that sort of group that has those sort of strange tastes. Right. But there are also, there are some weirdos within that group. So on Craigslist. Oh, I was just about to bring this up. Yeah. Uh, yeah. Go ahead. Would you like me to bring it up? Yeah, tell them how. OK. So on Craigslist, a man was seeking a woman to let him impregnate her during the eclipse. Yeah. Uh, yeah.
This is a big. A very flowery language. I rescind what I say about people and their passions. Some of you are wrong. This is not just one guy, by the way. This is a guy that happened to me on Craigslist.
It is very common for people during an eclipse to want to f**k during the eclipse. And make moon children. Common because of what the moon does to our bodies or common because a person thinks that's a good idea. Is it like a biological thing? Or is it like, I'm rock hard for darkness? It's not, the moon being there is not releasing new chemicals in you. It's the people just, they like the idea of the weird celestial happenings. And they're like, and like anything that's new in the world, you're like, can I f**k it when you're a primordial human? And so a lot of people are down to try and have a child during the eclipse. To usher in the coming of Satan.
This is not, yeah, exactly. Because it wasn't always this way.
There was in ancient cultures, people were really certain that if you, first of all, if you had sex during the eclipse, you were gonna have, they did call them moon babies, but they were, they thought that there was an ugly demon in their soul. If you did it during the eclipse. And if a woman was pregnant during the eclipse and she touched her belly in a certain way, wherever she touched her stomach and the pressure that she put there would cause a giant birthmark in that same spot on the child.
Can't wait. He's gonna have a big hand on his face. Mom, why do I have this?
I thought it was bullsh**. I'm a little sorry. Yeah, it was a dare. I was doing a whole study, doing it wrong, but.
Here you are. So obviously we've come a long way where now everyone's like, I gotta have sex during this eclipse. Craigslist. But it's, I have a feeling that as this passes, that's gonna be, people are gonna be looking for an opportunity to just have sex with each other. Okay, I mean. Have any questions? No, just like, feel bad if you're just waiting for an eclipse. You can have sex at other times.
I think maybe they can't. I think this isn't for them.
That's just the right lighting for me. Are either of you going to be in a place, because Southern California doesn't, we don't get this. I will be. I will be in Oregon during it, not for the eclipse though.
To get the weed? Bring a bunch of weed. I'm just gonna go there and sell it.
That's actually not a bad idea. I wish that I was not flying there. It's not a bad idea, unless it's a crime. It's not a bad idea. If I wasn't to say that's not a bad idea on camera.
Yeah, I'm going there for a wedding. This poor woman, she's a friend of mine, she just booked her wedding for August, and she lives, sure her family's from Oregon. They're gonna have a moon baby. And then she finds out later that this eclipse is happening, and that the little town where she's doing her wedding, they're expecting like 500,000 people in this town. And it's like the size of the town with quadruple.
And it's none of, anybody who's coming to the wedding can't get like hotels or anything like that. It's just a nightmare. This also I'm going to assume, because there's like a hippie vibe to this kind of thing, it's people who have saved up and have disposable income to go and see a moon thing with 500,000 other people and smoke as much weed as possible. This is not going to be a group that respects the privacy of a wedding.
If there's any spillover, they're just gonna be like, hey, it's all moons to me, you know? Hey, eating the cake and stuff. Yeah, I think that's, there's a pretty good chance of that happening. A lot of people just touching her stomach for no reason.
Get off! Stop it! Trying to do peace signs on it.
Yeah, it's gonna be a real problem. I anticipate that I will get stuck in Oregon.
Yeah. But we'll see. Yeah. I mean, you're not essential to the show, so if you get stuck in one of the other people. I think that's the weekend headlines. We have a main story, and we're gonna get right into it right now.
Disney has announced that they're going to be separating from Netflix and launching their own streaming on demand service, where you can get all the Disney movies. They're one of the few studios that is poised to do that. One of the few anything's, because they made half of the money that Hollywood made last year was Disney. So they can afford to... Do anything. ...launch their own thing that might not pick up. It's, a lot of people are bummed about it, because it seems like every company thinks the ideal future is, you pay $10 a month for Disney, and you pay $10 a month for Netflix original stuff, and $10 a month for Hulu, and $10 for ABC, like a future where we are buying each of the channels individually to watch the things that we want, and there's a huge chance that that's gonna happen, and I really don't want it to. The Disney streaming thing doesn't take effect until 2019, and a lot of the stuff that is on Netflix currently will stay on there for a couple more years, but they're the first two things that are gonna be available on Disney streaming on demand service, are Toy Story 4 and the Frozen sequel. So if you have kids and you think you're not buying Disney streaming thing, you're lying. You have to buy that thing. There's no way your kids are gonna just want those forever, and it makes sense, because in keeping with Disney's sort of insidious history of holding their movies ransom, they...
Lock them in a vault. Yeah, lock them in a vault.
Thank you for the Lion King, by the way. I've been waiting so long for that. Way back in the past when we were children, you'd have VHS tapes, and you could rent or buy, and Disney, first of all, didn't let people rent their movies. That was just not in their purview.
You would only buy them, and they created an artificial scarcity, because they would just say, all right, you can buy Bambi right now, and then after that, in the next couple of months, then it's going to the vault. We're gonna shoot them all again. And then you can't buy Bambi anymore, and then we'll do the same thing with Lion King. They did that where it was a time of year where, oh, we can buy Aladdin now, so let's buy it right now, because we might not get a chance.
And it was a big deal. It worked, and I'm so mad at them that it worked, because I can remember being at... My local grocery store did a coloring competition that was a Peter Pan picture, and you'd get it at the grocery store, and then the kids would color it. They'd put it up on the walls, and then they'd pick a winner of which kid colored the best. And I won a Peter Pan movie that they had been saving because it was in the vault. And in small-town Carbondale, that was a very big deal. That would show up in the newspaper.
Our grandma would get us whatever was the available Disney movie for Christmas every year. And it didn't even matter to us. It was just like, rescuers down under, that's kind of familiar. And now they're doing this streaming thing, and it's more like Disney is the only one that wants to make movies on this day.
She makes a great joke, and I missed it. Was there a naked lady and rescuers? Yeah. As their fault. Like they're going past some apartments or something like that. Yeah, you see a naked lady. Or just like a split second. Yeah. Please excuse me. Can you really? This is the first time I've seen a naked lady.
Didn't even have to wait for the moon to do anything. His cheeks are all red.
Yeah, so there's a... So far, when a company has tried to do its own streaming service, it has not gone well. I guess HBO Go is working out, HBO Now. They're fine. They're a bunch of streaming services that all launched around the same time, and all of them are kind of shuttering right now. Yeah. CSO just announced that they're going to be done by the end of the year.
Which they had a not great business model, and was not making any money for anything. They had a good business model. I put my money behind them because they had the strategy that I thought was the right thing.
We are close to this because we're just in digital streaming worlds, and we're pitching to a lot of these companies. What CSO did was, out the gate, we're going to have a huge library of content that is familiar to you. We have all of Saturday Night Live. We have all of Monty Python. We have The Office. We have Parks and Recreation. Like, that's how Netflix started. It was like, hey, here are all these movies that you're probably familiar with. And then once you get there because of the library stuff, then CSO did the second smart thing, which is, and now we're going to fund original content with voices who are familiar to you. We're going to get Cameron Esposito. Dan Harmon. We're going to get Dan Harmon's show, and Paul F. Tonkin's a show. And it's like, pick good content for your baseline and then invest in original content. I mean, we're going to do Netflix. We have all these movies.
And Arrested Development. You know Arrested Development?
Well, now you got it. And House of Cards. We've got Kevin Spacey. We've got David Fincher. We've got a property that already exists somewhere, and we're remaking it.
Like, that's the right strategy. And for reasons that aren't clear, CSO just didn't take off. I mean, not reasons that aren't clear. I guess people don't want to pay subscription services for every piece of content. Yeah, and the model was correct, but their execution of it, I guess it wasn't worth it. I was complaining about it. In some ways, yeah. I don't know how I feel about individual, like all the cart services like that from things you respect.
Because you really are going to watch a couple of shows from each thing that you subscribe to. Yeah. But at the same time, cable packages suck too. Like, cable packages are, you're getting three channels, four channels that you're pretty excited about, and then everything else is dog shit. Yeah.
And so we're already living with a pretty bad system. I don't know that this is any worse. Yeah, I'm trying to think. Someone could probably make a reasonable case to me that I'm paying, whatever I'm paying for internet and cable including HBO every month, and I watch four channels on there. And I could probably spend less if I just do a bunch of individual things. But then I have more passwords to remember, and I'm- Yeah, or other people's passwords to remember to log in. And I'm already so old and frail.
Yeah, and I'm wondering if like, so if that's the next step is having all these individual streaming service. Is like next step, like these services deciding, oh man, people aren't buying this, so let's team up, give people a discount for doing both of us at the same time. I mean, the next step is bundles of some kind. Whether that's gonna- I think there's gonna be some weird merger of website bundles and television channel bundles. Like for this amount of money, you get YouTube, Amazon streaming, cracked.com videos. Plug. Subtle. The other thing that I'm really curious about with all of this is that I still don't- I don't actually know how Netflix works.
Not just in how they get things on my computer, but they don't have advertisers and they don't have profit at all. They just have investors. All they're doing is getting lots of investors and then putting that huge amount of money into, you know, we have all the money in the world somehow.
So Jerry Seinfeld, you're doing a comedy special with us. Dave Chappelle, you're giving us two stand-up specials. They just gave Coen Brothers money to make a six-episode Western miniseries and I can't wait for it.
But there's no- the path to profit from there isn't clear. No, the sustainability is not clear. Yeah, like the- They don't know either.
And Amazon has the same problems too. Amazon streaming.
They're- nobody knows how they're gonna do this for long term. And so everybody's just trying to become too big to fail. Yeah. Like trying to build out something so big that people won't live without it.
And at this point, it's only investor money. Because they're now making it off of the $8 a month that I'm paying this. That's not going- Not even from the mail-in stuff. Like they're not- Yeah. It's not sustainable.
But I think that's why I'm so worried about streaming services in general. We live in a really great time of streaming services right at the beginning because nobody's quite figured it out yet. And it means that I can have my parents' cable password and get anything on Apple TV that I want. Like I can plug it into every single thing and watch anything without cable. It's also the other bubble that's gonna burst eventually is the reason that all these internet service providers and like Time Warner Cable are so mad about everything is that Netflix gets to give you buddy prices.
It'll be like $7.99 and you get all this and then whatever else we come up with. All your favorite shows. Buy all your favorite creators.
And Time Warner is the guy who's like, we laid all that f***ing cable. We're providing this high speed internet for people and we're not getting a share of like... People have internet because of Netflix. Like they stopped paying for us for TV and now they're just paying $8 for the cables that we laid and the work that we put in to maintain the internet. And when does Time Warner get a taste?
I don't feel too bad for that. Yeah, I don't care. I don't ever feel bad for Time Warner but...
Spectrum should... There's Spectrum.
They should have seen the s*** coming. Yeah, have you seen your internet lately it doesn't work. Right, they have an athlete on this s*** and they were doing that really cryptic awful thing where when Netflix first started and they were warning Netflix like, give us some of your money and Netflix was like, no and they're like, alright fine, nobody can see any of your stuff. And like specifically people when they were trying to watch Netflix like their internet slowed.
It's like, that's so diabolical. I mean, is that diabolical?
Because again, like Netflix gets to be cheap because they don't have to spend any money making their streaming service good. Somebody else already spent that money and already did that. But that's anybody on YouTube who's got a channel that has millions of subscribers. They're taking advantage of the same thing.
The internet, the internet. I understand that somebody did all the groundwork to lay that cable and everything but that maybe shouldn't have even been a capitalistic pursuit from the beginning. The government owes us internet.
I mean, at this point, kind of. I mean, that's the debate now. Like, is the internet like a human right? Do you need it to be a human in this day and age to interact with other people and like, yeah, absolutely. I think you kind of have to. But I do.
Yeah, it's kind of like putting someone else's train on like someone else's train tracks. I'm just kind of bulldozing them. But I mean, Ghost train though. Like the trains can go through each other.
I don't feel like that's a proper metaphor because we're not taking up that much space. I don't know. Sometimes when I try to watch three videos at once, it's a little slow. I do that often.
Hey, this was a good chat, guys. Yeah. Do you have questions for us this week? I do. So bad at these. Like, they're really good questions and that's the problem. I want to give them proper time. We'll try to think about the question and Maggie and I will try to front porch it for a while while you think. When I held this up earlier, do people saw them upside down? Yeah, I'm sure that spoiler will hit the internet. Oh, my God, you guys. Pause at this time. You see the questions. Okay, so the first one is, yeah, you might need some time to think about this. Pearson69 says, what is the best movie soundtrack and or movie score? In your opinion. I'm not gonna be able to answer that with just one.
I obviously like Jurassic Park way that everybody does because there's such- Is that John Waters? John Williams. I'm sorry, John Waters. It's quite a departure. Yeah, Jurassic Park and then Pink Flamingo, right?
It's such a classic choice but I like it because I think there's so much variety in it. Like there's really good scary music and there's really good majestic music. But also like the really subtle score going on when Hammond is talking to Ellie Sadler about the flee circus is really like beautiful sweet music I mean John Williams is just always appropriate. He always has something new for everything and it's just great. All the Star Wars stuff, the Han and Leia theme is perfect. Last Crusade, I like that score a whole lot.
These are more John Williams. Also Harry Potter. That was- Yeah, probably. That was the first film score I heard that was like- I feel like I can tell that that's John Williams because there are few composers that I feel- especially modern ones that I feel like are doing like immediately hummable theme-able things. And like I hear Harry Potter and like that's the Harry Potter. That's now I got it. That's like inextricably linked with this thing forever. And I haven't seen the movies. I can hum and I know it. And that's how I know what John Williams is like.
I can't hum a single fucking Han Zimmer song and this was coming up the crack movie club podcast that came out today because they're talking about this. Like how he does with what he does with scores a lot of just like punctuation to a scene or like weird noise like I think about Dunkirk and like, oh man, his score of that clock repeatedly took him. Boy. I think for me and musical purists are going to be angry with my answer.
But- Sunday Night Football theme. Batman forever. Um, if you guys, I don't know if you're familiar with the soundtrack for this movie, but it's, they actually had artists make songs specifically for the movie. So it was at a time when like offspring was at their height and they did a song called Smash It Up. Kiss from a Rose is on there from Seal. That's right. Hold me, kill me, kiss me. No, hold me, throw me, kiss me, kill me by U2 is on there. Method Man did a song called The Riddler for it. Okay. Massey Starr did a song for it. Does this count as score or is this music from and inspired by the motion picture? Batman Forever.
Well, it says soundtrack. Oh, I guess soundtrack. I mean, no, that counts. That counts as soundtrack. They sold those as a soundtrack. This is the soundtrack, yeah. There are a bunch of other ones. Man, I wish I could look it up right now. They got like a bunch of artists to specifically do songs for this movie. And they're all great. Like it's a great soundtrack. Well, it's kind of as I guess now, but at the time, great soundtrack. Yeah.
The other two are like, Sorin, I like when you go That's a good one. That's a good one. I'm waiting on Miami.
Yeah, this one also probably doesn't count, but Space Ghost Musical Barbecue. What the f*** is that? I gave like nine serious adult answers. Okay, have you heard Space Ghost Musical Barbecue? Obviously not. When I said what the f*** is that? It is so good. It's Space Ghost and Brock.
I think we have to start singing all of a sudden. I mean, I'm suppressing it. It's just them singing songs that exist? It's them like doing the Big Chill basically? Well, they sing their own songs. Oh, they're all originals? But I mean, like one of the songs that I remember, I don't know if it's this barbecue, but it certainly feels on brand for it. One of the original Brac songs that I remember is Mashed Potatoes, Hey, Sweet Potatoes, Mashed Potatoes, Potato Chips.
Just to give you a taste of. Yeah, an amuse-bouche of what is assuredly a terrible album. It's so good. I love it. So, like, ooh. Keep us back on target.
Ghostbusters. The score of Ghostbusters is incredible.
I always think it's Thomas Newman. It's not Thomas Newman, and I always forget who it is, but. It's got the right dash of like sci-fi sounding, but also still being like.
So what went so wrong with Ghostbusters 2 then? Ghostbusters 2 has a terrible.
Does it? Yeah. Oh, it's bad.
And then they also did like, they couldn't get Huey Lewis for a song. And so they just, no, Ray Parker Jr.?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I see why you made the connection. Yeah, so there, that's fine. I had an answer that time. I feel pretty good about this. Stick with Batman forever. All right. So the next one, this one's kind of pointed at you, I think, Dan.
Gokon said, what changes would you make to the movie Valerian to make it a success? Chemistry between Kara Devlinen and Dane DeHaan, and also some kind of vague consistency with his character.
Because he doesn't have any. He, in the whole movie, is this like bad boy Han Solo type. He's like running around and like, he's always hitting on Kara. It's not clear if they have a real relationship or not. He's just like, why don't you just f***ing marry me? And she's like, because you're a player and you just have, you're just adding women to your playbook.
He's like, no, come on. Oh. Hate the game, not the player. Yeah, come on. He's like running around like, doing his cool s*** and his weird s***. Classic, bad boy, loose cannon.
And then at the end of the movie, when their quest is to like, give a universe to this race of people that humans accidentally all but eradicated, like we blew up their planet by mistake and then tried to cover it up. And now he has a chance to like, give them the key to starting their planet again. And he's like, I'm just gonna hang on to this and give it to, I mean, the courts will decide. There'll be a trial to see if you can have this. And Kara's like, no, there's corruption. Just give it to them. It's their key to survival.
And he's like, and he literally says like, I'm a soldier. I play by the rules. That's who I am. That's what makes me what I am.
And she's like, just don't. So he doesn't and that's fine.
But like, his character was never clear and they just don't connect. It's such a visually cool movie. And there's some set pieces that I've never seen before that can only come from Lupus song. But if the movie hangs on these two love birds, it's really tough.
Yeah. And also she is not. Be real careful. Careful. Yeah.
We all saw her in Suicide Squad, right? She was great. The CGI parts of her weren't great. The parts that wasn't her.
Sure. I mean, blame computers. All right.
Big, big carat devil in a big van.
I mean, I do really like her and I think she's awesome and I love her. She does a song that like, the credits are playing at the end of the movie and I hear a song that I really like so I record it on my phone so I can look up later. It's her song. It's called I Feel Everything. And she's a singer. Yeah. She does it all. She does two things, kind of. One of them not so great. And she sings.
Cool. You have anything to add to that?
I have not seen Valeria. Yeah, how would you think Valeria? Well judging by the quarter of the trailer that I've seen.
So, Sorin is a fairly new father so he doesn't get to see as many movies as I do. So Sorin, this question is for you.
How would you fix Amazing Spider-Man?
Oh, I'm so excited to talk about this. I watch movies about three years after they come out now. As soon as they become free to me on one of my streaming services, that's when I watch them. And then I have no one to talk to about them. And it's a bummer. I'm a plane ride recently. I watched The Amazing Spider-Man. And was so pumped to talk to anybody about it.
And no one is interested. It's like nobody wants to play my party.
I think it was literally the week after Spider-Man Homecoming came out. Oh wow. I had so much Spider-Man juice that I just couldn't even share with you. It was like, no, I'm sorry. I don't. Yeah, I had a lot of thoughts on The Amazing Spider-Man.
And I still think that they like, they hold up. But nobody even wants to hear that story. That movie holds up to you? No, no, no. My arguments hold up. Oh, okay.
Because I can make some really funny points about The Amazing Spider-Man. If I could travel through time, that's where I'd go.
Did you see the part where he steals a milk jug from? Did you see all the product placement?
Maddie Dan Brown said, if you could swap places with a fictional character, who would it be? I will go first. I've always wanted to be Robin Hood. I thought that would be the coolest.
Which one? Just like the original actual...
Fox Robin Hood? Yeah. Fox Robin Hood? Yeah. Cartoon Fox Robin Hood? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it would be very attractive. You would be him.
Why? I don't know. I used to read... I've always wanted to be Robin Hood. Don't know why. Yeah, I really don't know.
I think I liked the idea of being like an outlaw, but a good guy also, because I want that. I want that ego boost of getting back to the poor while still being on the wrong side of the law. Well, the law is wrong. Yeah, when the law is wrong, you're the one who gets it.
Yeah, exactly. And you're so nimble that you can move around it. Right. Yeah.
I don't know. Robin Hood's a good choice.
Probably Marco from the Animorphs series. K.A. navigates Animorphs. Marco is the one in the first cover of his book, turns into a gorilla. And it's kind of a bummer that his mom is... Viscer won the leader of the invading bad aliens. I had to pick one Animorph and Jake seems kind of a dud and Tobias gets stuck being a bird forever. So I picked Marco.
He gets to be a bird forever? Yeah. Does your other card say Animorphs? Nope. But being an Animorph means they met with Axe, the Analite, and they all got powers where they could turn into... You touch an animal and then you can turn into that animal and be it for a while and then you turn back to a human or you get stuck being that animal.
And that seems pretty chill. That's pretty great. You get to be alone, I'm just going to be bugs right now because I don't want to deal with anyone and I'll just snake my way out of there. And then you get to fly and you get to climb and you get to swim. And you don't even have to fight the aliens if you don't want to. You can just be a... Just be a pretty chill...
A passive Animorph. Animorph.
Yeah. You know, I have read every single one of those books including the... Andalite Chronicles? Uh-huh.
And I do not remember a thing. I do not remember one detail. I mean, I get bits and pieces clearly.
Dan just read them. He got them! Somebody was like... He did it out of spite because somebody gave him Harry Potter and he's like, **** this. I'm reading Amhorse again. Have you seen this collection?
This one's a butterfly. This one's a horse. This guy has to be a bird forever.
It's very sad. They run into one problem because Cassie, I think, is... Cassie, I think. I don't know why I'm playing humble. Cassie's allergic to crocodiles when she merges with a crocodile like **** everybody and then an actual crocodile jumps out of her and she has to fight the crocodile. Oh, dope. So I would have to watch out for that because who knows what animals I'm allergic to because you shouldn't be able to be allergic to a crocodile but Cassie pulled it off.
Yeah. Do you remember the short-lived Animorphs TV series? Oh yeah, with Ice Man from X-Men. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, I don't remember. Wait, so that must have been recent then. No. No, this is... This is middle school, 90s. Oh, and he was really young. Yeah. Okay. He was Jake.
I would probably... See how I mean about him being a dud. I think I'd probably choose Roz from Fraser. You know, I just want to be that close to greatness. No, I would... I think...
Well, this is a confident woman who takes what she wants. She really does, yeah. She's not afraid of what people think about her. Although, no, she is. She is. She's constantly... She's worried that people think she's old.
She bought that football player at the bachelor auction. No, he's a... Oh yeah, he was a football player. That's right. He played for the Seahawks.
I think that I would choose... I mean, when I saw... The first time I saw The Matrix, I was really bummed that I wasn't in that world. And I couldn't do that. And the idea that you...
Would you want to be a tank tozer? No, I'd let those guys get toasted. I wanted to be Neo. So, that's a really basic answer. Neo would be one that I really liked. What would you do with that? Because I also picked a thing with powers, but specifically in a world that is not so under attack that I couldn't just like... **** off and waste my great power. Because I've never heard any kind of convincing warning about wasting great powers. I could just exist in that world and do my thing until we're all dead. Neo, you're pretty locked in to saving the world a bunch of times. And wearing that leather coat to your toes.
Yeah, it's not... And I'm talking specifically about the first movie. At that point, it's not totally... By the end of it, he's stopping bullets and things like that. It's not totally clear why he's the one or what he's going to have to do. And there's a nice period of time where it's just him like, now I'm going to fly in the air by pushing off the ground real hard. The scene I would add that would bother Morpheus is like, once I learned kung fu, and Morpheus was like, now we're trying. Well, no, hang on.
Yeah, I'm knitting. Now I'm good at knitting.
I always said, if I had time, I would pick up canasta. And let me just like become a well-rounded person first. I'd like to know French and baking.
Right. Do you have the infinite jest anywhere? Like, I don't want to read that. I just want to put that right there. So I can talk about it at her knees.
Yeah, the fact that, yeah, because anything where you could exist within your current world, but that you can change the rules of that world was always really enticing to me when I was a kid. And when that movie came out, I do remember genuinely bummed that I wasn't part of that world. I felt that way about Power Rangers. Like the weird disconnect the children have where you love this thing so much that I'm not really sure if I want to be in the show the Power Rangers or like live in the world the Power Rangers.
This is for an audience of no one. I would go in like our school bathroom make sure there was no one there. And then just like my own voice doing What's up Zordon? And like who's that for? I'm just alone in a bathroom.
Like you're playing pretend. Pretending I'm pretending I'm talking to Zordon about like a Power Ranger mission that I have. I used to I was genuinely I remember thinking like looking out a window and being like I wish Pokemon were real. Just like imagining where I would find them in my yard and being like okay but if it were real these are all the Pokemon that I would have and I would be the best trainer.
Pokemon Go a real game changer for you? Oh my god it was the best day of my life.
Here's a thing that I don't think anyone was following up on.
You still playing Pokemon Go? Is anyone in the world still playing Pokemon Go? People are definitely still playing Pokemon Go according to all the Facebook groups that I'm a part of. They just actually introduced a legendary Pokemon into the game.
I do not have it because my phone is ancient. It doesn't have enough. When you get a new phone are you going to download Pokemon Go?
You'll still play it. Okay. So there are still people that get throughout doing it. Just no one's talking about it.
It was the hottest s*** on the planet for like three months. It was a bright star that burned quickly. People crowded on freeways. It was a real problem for a little bit.
Of course news anchors and everybody who don't understand technology were so scared. They were like this is the end of us. This Pokemon Ghoul is like it's going to kill us all.
I mean I felt that way. This is going to make me seem like a much more like refined and old person than I am. I went to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art to consume some jazz in the summer because they get to have picnics and sit and watch jazz on summer. And as I'm going through there there's a bunch of youths in the tarpets with their phones like zombies looking at stuff and like catching Pokemon.
Did you see me? Was it me?
Yes, yes, yes. You had your red ash catching hat. That was stuck in the tarpets. It was worth it.
Fingerless gloves and a backpack. Yeah, just all these kids wandering around like adjacent to each other but not really playing with each other and all doing the same thing was like yeah if I was a news anchor and I needed to fill 10 minutes I would certainly like they're getting high with it probably. I could get people scared of this.
Yeah, well do we have any more questions or is that? We've talked quite a bit today.
Yeah, this is a fun one.
I don't know if anyone's gonna there's no like scalable table of contents for this so I don't know how many people we lose with that salad 17 minutes of Frasier up top because there are people who stuck with it to the end who heard me say in the beginning we're going to talk about Star Wars we're going to talk about Disney and they're sitting there going when are they going to get to the Star Wars factory? And we're not. We ran out of time so we just didn't do it.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching. Click the big C in the middle to subscribe if you haven't already. Click either videos to my left to watch them. Click that dumb f***ing YouTube bell to turn on notifications that let you know when we have a new video. |
cracked | why_any_robot_uprising_is_doomed_to_fail_cracked_responds | Hey, gather round! Gather round, thank you.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, so you know robots? Yeah, I know robots, yeah. Times are changing, my friends.
It's a new robot. It just left the building. No one's watching it. It's just out now in the snow.
Did they build it to go get them food or something? No, I think they just built it to, like, have a sense of wonder. Just like, what is outside? Why did we make robots to walk in the snow? So we don't have to.
Were I making this video, um, sad hulk walking away piano music. Is what happens right here? Yeah, absolutely.
I mean the sound of this robot is very grating. I'm no longer worried about robots surprising me. Right, it might as well have, like, a voice box. It just goes, I am a robot, I am a robot, I am a robot. Yeah, it sounds unhealthy. Like, if I was a doctor for robots, I'd be like, oh, we got to fix your fan. This guy the robot is walking with looks like it's camp counselor who's teaching it about life. Hey man, growing up's hard, you know? I want to do a mash-up where it's the scene in Good Will Hunting. Just this guy walking around with a robot who's like, you're the best robot in Boston! What are you f***ing doing here being a janitor? Hey, I can lift 10 pounds, buddy. Wouldn't it be great if there was a robot who could do things that we do slower than we do it and also, like, we need to charge it? And, like, really loud. He's lifting these boxes to be like, look, he can lift boxes, but all I'm getting from it is a robot can take his clamps and this on my face. Oh, no. I think I'd be happier with, like, a dumpy robot that was like, I'm doing all right, look at that piece of s***. This is, like, a perfect V. It's called Atlas and it's got, like, clear robot pecs. I can't say that I'm thrilled about the cod piece on this robot. I don't know why we built this robot.
Oh, that's why. That guy looks like Boston Steve Jobs to me. Like, he's in the Steve Jobs outfit, but he has a beard and a hockey stick and he's a bully. I want to go back so we can watch his feet react to getting knocked down, because his feet do a cute little, like, where's the ground?
It's very evolved of us that we know that, like, racism is bad. We can't, we're all the same, so we can't have a race of people that we're against, but I still have all this anger that I want to put on something.
Let's build a robot just that I can pick on. They programmed the robot to, like, take a minute when it gets knocked down.
Like, it's not. They programmed it to be, like, okay, all right, back to work. It leaves. They just treat it like s*** and then it's, like, I'm gonna get out of here.
These humans are not for me. This is my favorite comedy video in the world.
If he leaves and is, like, man is how, builds a robot of his own and starts pushing it around the ending to it. Gotta make it feel better. What do you guys think this means for the future of robot technology? I have already been afraid of technology and now we're building robots to abuse. That's how it starts. My only hope is that robots continue to be constructed by nerds because then they will imitate their creator. We're so far away from robots blending in that, like, when robots take over, I'll be dead, so it's fine. Right, a robot will be, like, hey, other people, it's me.
You sound like a billion gears. Yeah, right. It's the Ninja Turtles when they wear a trench coat and a trilby and they're, like, I am human, too. It's like, nah, you're wrapped.
I'm ticket for the human movie. Hello, thank you for watching that video. Make sure to subscribe to our channel and click like on the video and leave comments.
Tell us if you're a robot. Yeah, if you're a robot, you suck.
If you're a bot, we'll probably be able to tell, but we will also order your penis pills. That will help you to not kill us. They make pills for penises? Yeah, you want some? |
TheOnion | Security_Experts_Advise_Americans_To_Not_Click_Anything | A civilian casualty is flattered to have been mistaken for a Hamas leader, the entirety of a man's personal data is protected by a reference to the third season of The West Wing and an asexually reproduced sea sponge is worried she's turning into herself. This news summary is best enjoyed in a state of leisurely repose, so sit back, relax, and let the waves of condensed news gently lap at your brain. This is The Onion Week in Review. In light of reports this week of a Russian crime ring stealing 1.2 billion username and password combinations from internet users, experts from top security firms across the country reportedly advised Americans to refrain from clicking on anything at all. The nation's top security specialists warned individuals to actively avoid any scrolling or swiping on the internet and further urged Americans, as an added precaution, to steer clear of buttons, keyboards, and computer screens altogether.
Hoping to foster a lifelong connection to the airline, Delta announced the launch of its official alumni magazine, Flown, this week, a quarterly publication for people who have been passengers with the airline at some point in the past. A press release from Delta confirmed that the magazine will feature obituaries, wedding announcements, and profiles of prominent flyers that celebrate the shared experiences and interests of the airline's 900 million alumni. I think it's a nice thing for Delta to do. I mean, it's always interesting to just skim through an issue, see what the old boarding group's up to. It kind of makes me nostalgic for the few hours back when I was on that flight to Tampa.
Simpler days. In an effort to minimize the abuse of government assistance programs, a new nationwide law enacted this week requires welfare recipients to submit samples of their sweat to federal officials to prove how hard they are looking for a job. By sending in a vial of their sweat, individuals receiving welfare and other state-sponsored benefits can prove to us that they're truly earning their checks and not taking advantage of the system. If you're out there looking diligently, drenching yourself in harder and sweat, then there should be nothing for you to worry about. And in this week's opinion pages, a man notes that if the founding fathers were alive today, they'd be too fascinated by a garbage disposal to do anything. In other news, an employer botches a job interview, a date's flaws are coming at a woman faster than she can rationalize them, and a going out of business sign thanks a neighborhood for three months of no support whatsoever. Whether or not this video news summary eased the pain of your existence, you can now take solace in the fact that you're a few minutes closer to departing this meaningless world. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | TIME_Announces_New_Version_Of_Magazine_Aimed_At_Adults | Publishers of Time magazine announced that they'll soon be releasing a new version of their magazine for adults. Readers who grew up loving the magazine's bright glossy photos, news by the numbers and simple to understand stories will now be able to graduate to Time Advanced. Instead of Time's breezy kid-friendly summaries, Advanced boasts a more mature tone aimed at an audience ready for grown-up news. While kids love Time for its fun articles about litter and new kinds of dinosaurs, managing editor Keri Larson explained that Time Advanced will look to distinguish itself with carefully researched long-form journalism and a smaller, adult-sized font. Time is and always will be a magazine for children. Time Advanced, however, is for more sophisticated readers who prefer book reviews that don't just tell you whether to read, skim or toss that newest book on climate change. Educators have long praised Time for making current events accessible to kids with short attention spans and growing vocabularies. Building on that reputation while producing content fit for readers old enough to drive a car will be key to the new venture's success.
I used to think Time was cool, but I guess I kind of grew out of it. I mean, none of my friends want to read a bunch of out of touch trend pieces about virginity pledges. Time is my favorite.
They always talk about Lady Gaga and the changing face of depression in America. Larson assured loyal fans that regular Time remained committed to fun journalism for kids with all the colorful info boxes and neat stories about how Taylor Swift is one of the 100 people who most affect our world. But the company's change in focus to adult news has led to some shake-ups at the venerable children's publication. Richard Sherman, who has written columns as the beloved children's character, Joe Klein, is leaving the magazine to join the cast of the PBS show Dragonfly TV.
In other news, the FDA has grudgingly approved drinking more as a cure for morning hangovers. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_93_CHRISTMAS_SPECIAL_Dylan_Napa | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, it is a wonderful time of the year. We're bringing the year to a close with a very special guest today, of course your hosts here Clancy Overall and Errol Parker, how are you Errol?
Good mate, always good. And today we have another Queensland icon on the show with us in Baxter Boots Studios, we have Dylan Knapper. It's been a while bro, how are you? Mate I'm good, yeah firstly thanks for having me on boys, it's an absolute pleasure. Well we've been chasing you for a while but you know the heat's cooled down a little bit on Dylan, so you're free to kind of talk about life and footy and well it's been a big year, a big couple years really when you take in the premiership there too. It's been, you know I've probably seen the highest of highs and then also the lowest of lows but you know that's how life goes, it just happened to happen in 12 months. Well 2019's almost over Dylan and I reckon 2020's your year. Yeah appreciate that bro, I wouldn't mind that, cheers my boy.
Now give us a little rundown on how you grew up, that last name, Knapper, cookie Yeah so I was born in Brisbane, my old man's from the Cook Islands, he grew up in South Auckland, Oahu, he moved over he's probably, him and Mark Graham were like the two of the first islanders to move from New Zealand to Australia to pursue football. You went straight to Queensland? Went to Queensland yeah, played in the Brisbane Rugby League and then he met mum. Stayed in Queensland. Stayed and I popped out.
So you're the oldest? I'm the youngest, I've got older brother Lewis and Lindsay, older sister.
So that was kind of written that you boys would be playing footy? Yeah I mean you know we were pretty free as kids, we were allowed to do pretty much anything so we were always outdoors and mucking around as kids do. And when did you first start seeing signs of this might be a go here? Well I probably wasn't seeing signs but I got pretty stuck into footy, I was probably like six or seven years old, I started playing footy as a kid. What club you with in Brisbane?
Aspley Devils. Aspley? Yeah. Who else came out of Aspley?
Paddy Bourne? Josh Maguire. I think Josh Maguire, I think there was a few man to be known.
And the Bee Gees didn't know. The Bee Gees came out.
Nah that was Redcliffe. So you were a Northside boy? Northside yeah. I went to St. Pat's College, Swancliffe. Were there many other cookies, many other Islanders around, Northside Brisbane back then? Just my brother and dad that I was aware of.
The rest are all down in Logan right, a little south side of Switch. Yeah I think they've taken over down the south of Brisbane.
So what do you think you'd be doing if you weren't playing footy? That's a good question man. I'll actually have no idea. Seafood chef. Serving up pokey bowls. Yeah how do they end? Maybe be working for my homie Dulla in fish bowl but I don't know man it's a really good question. I always try and think about it each day too because it's going to come to that eventually. What do you think of coaching?
Absolutely not.
Or commentary. Yeah maybe, maybe commentary for the patoot advocate. Yeah yeah yeah you could use a sports reporter. Because you know rugby league journalism in Australia is just so refined and so impressive in this country the way the journalists write about the game and the players don't you reckon? Yeah it's interesting. Not too sure how much I can comment on this. But yeah it's interesting how some of the journalists go about it.
What was your first, well you just missed that other premiership with the Roosters didn't you when you were a young kid? Yeah that was my debut year in 2013. You had seven matches that was a real debut year. Oh yeah I did a full pre-season and it really earned my spot. I played I think seven of the games leading up to the grand final. Myself and Isaac Lee and then Boyd Cordner and Luke O'Donnell came back for the grand final.
I wasn't going to say anything to Luke O'Donnell or Boyd Cordner at 20 years old. As a forward what's it like, I mean obviously I can only imagine you grew up worshipping some of those big boys. When rugby league started getting really professional everyone started getting real big. Sonny Bill, what was it like to then play with him? Because you would have been the age where you were a kid watching him. Well the reason I got back into rugby league, I was saying before I started young and then sort of phased out at about 12 years old.
I BMX rode that's what I did every day. I got banned from riding to school because I'd just go to the skate park and wouldn't go to school.
And then Sonny Bill came along and I think just watching the way he played. Sonny Bill very like his tattoos, size.
Haircut. Haircut, yeah.
He definitely made me appreciate the game again. Do you have one of those classic rugby league dads where he's kind of halfway coach on the sideline? No, he usually sits with the, it's pretty funny, he usually sits in the opposition stand. And if I ever get penalised or sent off or something and someone says something in the crowd about me he'll try and bite him or something. So he got banned from coming to my school games.
Oh did he? Pretty quickly, yeah. He's setting yourself up for that if you're sitting in there Stan. Yeah that's right, he did it on purpose. He knew what he was doing man.
So Brisbane to Bondi effectively. Yeah. Straight down there? Yes, moved when I was 17. A year after school and moved straight into Bondi Beach and just turned 18 years old actually two weeks after I moved. Jesus. And I had no idea what Bondi was like but I found out pretty quickly that first summer. We're not in Aspley anymore. Yeah, absolutely.
No Brazilian girls in Aspley. Oh man, no comment.
So what was that like though? Not many people can fathom that that is what happens with footballers.
You move somewhere before you're 18. While your mates are kind of, you know, maybe stay home for a year or two after school or kind of learn the ropes of living independently. You guys have been straight into it. 17 year old paying rent. Yeah, I've missed numerous of my mates' 18th birthdays, 21st, weddings, like all that.
So it was all football players, you know, someone who has to move jobs. Not many people have played rugby league.
But you know, that's what you do. That's sacrifice you make and I came down on, I think it was a $5,000 opportunity. $5,000 for my first year 20s and then yeah, just tried to make something of it. So were you working as well while you were? Oh, I told the NOL we were but we were just kicking back on the couch at home at 20. Yeah, we weren't doing too much. But we forged a few signatures, as you do.
Yeah, so you would have been down there with Bam Bam? Yep, Bam Bam Tuivasa. We played a year of 20s together. Yeah. Angus Crichton too, he'd be down there too, wouldn't he?
I think he was in... He was a bit younger than Uni. Yeah, I think he was a couple of years younger so I never really played against him.
Oh right. Yeah.
But yeah, Bam Bam he was pretty good to have on your side. When you're rolling through the intimidating pubs at the Eastern Suburbs. Yeah, it gets pretty scary down in Bondi. Yeah, but down there though, they all know who he is because of the fighting now. Yeah, it's pretty... He'd be fucking mad, like at a pub to go over there and be like, I'm going to take him. Yeah, I think yeah, in general, even without knowing that he's a good fighter.
It's more the bouncers. He's a scary man. Yeah, the bouncers are scared of him too.
Pretty sure they're all these cousins as well. How do you stay out of trouble? I mean, like everyone at some point in their career gets into trouble. But that sounds like a recipe for trouble.
Yeah. That crowd you just mentioned then, you're under 20s. Yeah. Bit of cash, living in Bondi Beach. Yeah, that's another thing with moving away.
I wasn't an adult yet. So my mum was quite nervous. I've always sort of pushed the boundaries with things. I couldn't imagine how she felt when I was moving to Bondi Beach as a 17 year old.
But you just got to learn, you got to adapt like anything. Dinner's not going to get cooked itself. So you learn to cook dinner, just things like that.
And too now, just because you're an athlete now, the media, I guess, would feel a bit entitled to the ongoing activities of your life. Yeah, absolutely. That would be a tough thing to learn. Yeah, I learned that pretty quickly. Just being in the under 20s at the roosters, nothing dramatic.
But when you see something and there's cameras there, you're like, they didn't have cameras in Aspley. They didn't have cameras in Brackenridge.
They're trying to rebrand too. They don't want to be known as that anymore.
But we're forever known as the Brackenridge Rum Jungle. What's the time? Two o'clock on a Friday and my old man will be down there for sure. It was a yarn. We wrote about the Rum Jungle one night. The Brackenridge Rum Jungle.
Some dude left a comment saying like, no joke. He went in there for a feed one night with his wife and kids.
Walked in and there was a fight breaking out between two council workers. It was on payday. The fight broke out. They went in, had dinner and then came out and it was still going.
That's like an hour and a half long move. That sounds like the Rum Jungle. There aren't too many things in this life that are as tiring as being in a fight. If you've got to fight a person for an hour, that's fucking harder than a game of rugby.
You need rum. That's why you need rum. You need power, strength, cardio.
I'm sure they had a lot of rum down there. They don't know. They don't know everyone had a rum down there.
So when do you reckon? I mean, obviously at that stage, under 20s, you'd be getting bowed up by those old punters at the Surf Club, the RSL. When did the general public start recognising you?
I mean, you're recognisable. You've got a nice little red lid on you. And you're probably bigger than most of the pencil necks living down that way. Yeah, I mean, I've always stood out, being a bit taller. Red hair and I wouldn't say loud, but I seem to draw a bit of attention. I mean, I'm not too sure. I'm always surrounded by big names.
Being a young player in an NRL team, there was Hargrees, Cordeners, whatever coming through the roosters. The light really wasn't on me, which was pretty good for a while. What's it like when you go back in the valley now? That's where the dribblers are. I think I've still been there since I was 17. So what was that like seeing them?
You didn't play the 2012 Grand Final match. 2013, yeah. So I debuted, I think it was around 15 against the Bulldogs, funnily enough. And then I missed, I think, however many games and then played six games leading up to the GF, as I was saying before. At the time, I didn't realise how close I was to yours. The ring. History, yeah. It sort of started coming together.
In 2014, we came close and we lost in the prelim. And then the year after, I think we lost in the prelim as well.
It was burning. You weren't going to leave until you got it. Yeah, the drive was there for sure. That doesn't go away ever. And then when you do win a premiership, what was... Can you just run us through the 48 hours after your final buzzer? Oh man, I'm still trying to piece that together.
So what did they do? Because I remember seeing the photo of the XAVU all still in your kit, which was funny. You were still in your boots. You had your studs on. So what did they do?
They take you in... So they protect you pretty well. How does the club protect you?
Obviously, there are photographers and journalists who just need to know what you're doing. Yeah, so we're pretty lucky in that regard. But it's funny, the journalists are sort of on your side when you win. And they're not out to get you, so... Unless you're Benny Barber.
Yeah, shit, man. Yeah, poor dude.
Drug test, 12 to 24 hours after a grand final. It's a bit red hot. Yeah, well... Then the chairman goes down. Yeah, he has certainly had to sleep in the bed that he's made himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so what happens? You do the lap, fans are going wild.
Into the change rooms, into the song. Into the change rooms, I think you get...
A couple of coronas. Yeah, a few. Oh, what do we have? I think we have VBs, actually. Which are good. I love it. Actually, no, we definitely have VBs.
I got a photo of my... I got a few photos on my phone.
Roosters, I thought it'd be more. Yeah, we had caviar and... Crownies. Have a low-carb beer with Uncle Nick. He's like, well done, boys. But Tuna Bitter might sponsor the Bulldogs.
Yeah. How's that? So yeah...
It's the inner outer. Inner outer.
So we went back into the sheds, had our, I think, four or six family members, family of friends in. And then, yeah, we just celebrated, man, sung the song a bunch of times, took a bunch of photos.
And then, I can't remember, I think it would have been just before one o'clock. We went out on the field, just as the players only. Take that in. Yeah, and just, you know, I remember doing it in 2013, actually, going out, and it's just a playing group. And I'm pretty sure it was a playing group, no staff.
And yeah, I remember Minutelos doing a pretty cool speech, man, and then, you know, for it to happen five years later, and be a part of it, was, you know, literally a dream come true that I probably didn't even dream of as a kid. Because, you know, I didn't dream that big, to be honest.
So you're at ANZ until one o'clock in the morning. That must have stung you for barking. So, like, were the people at ANZ just like, yeah, just make sure you pulled the door closed on the way out, boys?
Yeah, pretty much, man. But I don't know who was last out. But I don't know, yeah. So then, from there, they've just got private venues for you?
I was on the bus, and every window has got a garbage bag over it. No comment.
So yeah, we caught a bus back, and obviously there was a lot of celebrating, and, you know, it's one of the best feelings I'll ever have, I reckon. But you know, you don't come down from something like that, right? Like, you're going to be awake for two days anyway, so you may as well be celebrating.
Yeah, for sure, man. You know, you have to go back to the clubhouse where your fans are there. Sunny's on. 100%.
How does that compare to, say, an Origin? It's funny, so I was going through my favourites on my phone, and I saw a photo after we won the Origin series, and I was actually comparing them. I don't think they're comparable.
Who was the biggest, like, in terms of idols that you played with? Because you've had the chance to play with everyone, right? The one you could have seen on TV as a kid.
Yeah, man, I've been really fortunate with my career so far. You know, from Jonathan Thurston, Boyd Cordner, you know, Wario Hargreaves, he was a huge influence on me coming through. Sonny Bill Williams. That was the top man. And you got to meet him, like, post-transition 2, where he's a full-on role model. He's a full-on... Yeah, I like the old Sonny better.
Well, uh... Nah, I love both. Would you ever consider a move over to the All Blacks? Would you be selectable? Um... For Union, you could probably do that, but... Yeah. Fly half. I reckon you'd have to be in the backs. Like, just fucking hurt people. Just run. I know Pong had to toy on that. Did you have to think about your Kiwi heritage at all? Yeah, so, I think...
No one wants to play for the Wallabies. No one.
I mean, is that a thing in footy, right, where not playing Origin can actually kind of hinder your momentum in your career? So, like, a lot of people, you know, are happy to play for the Kiwi, or... Tonga's a new thing now. Everyone's happy to play Tonga. They'd sacrifice Origin to play Tonga. But, like, it almost feels like, you know, you're going to make more of a goal, but if you just say, you know, I've got Kiwi background, but I'm going to do this so I can play Origin, so you can do that Queensland thing.
Yeah, I don't know. It's never really crossed my mind.
You know, as a kid, growing up being Australian from Queensland, my dad's Cook Holland. Mum's Australian, so I'm pretty... So he's just via New Zealand.
Yeah, pretty much. So you'd have to play for the Wallabies. So yeah, I'll probably stay in league. Do you play for the Cook Islands in those World Cups? Yeah, I played actually in 2013 after the Grand Final. We played in the World Cup, three games, so... And what was the team like? Was that a bit... Man, if you put out, if you saw our team on paper... Yeah.
Now, it was Jordan Rapana. That's Zane Televano.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the thing is with the Cook Islands, Cook Islands is a lot like Norfolk Island is to Australia, in that it's its own kind of sovereign state, but it's kind of managed by New Zealand, so it is quite easy for Cook Islanders to live in New Zealand because it's kind of one, it's like another state. Well, yeah, I think they're entitled to get a passport. Yeah, yeah. And they use the New Zealand currency over there, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then if your dad's here, you could go straight from there to here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think a lot of them did that, snuck over, using some other names. What was it like when you started playing Origin? I mean, you caught a pretty good era of Origin, too. It'd be pretty intimidating to just start now as a young Queenslander, right, with what everyone's looking down the barrel at, with, you know, Latrell and all the Ferraris playing components. But you kind of caught the back of a real heater, right? Yeah, I mean, they definitely were successful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't really thought about what stage I, you know, what stage I, you know, caught it at. I'd be happy to play one game, you know, I played nine and, wait, seven? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't actually know, maybe eight. But yeah, I'd play, I haven't really thought about that.
But, you know, like I said before, I was pretty lucky, some of the players I played with. We talked before about how you kind of became a man within the Roosters kind of orbit, kind of, you grew up with them. What was that like?
Because that's a big change to go then to just change clubs, change institutions. Yeah. Like one season ends, premiership, and then from there you're going to a completely different thing. Like Bulldogs, it's a different, I mean, obviously it's an institution, it's got a big following, and it's a family club and stuff, but it's a different thing, right? Yeah. And there's arch-ribels too.
And then you don't know any of the staff.
Yeah, it's bunnies though, aren't they? Yeah, bunnies. Fucking bunnies.
So you, yeah, what was the change like? How does it feel? I mean, obviously you're coming in as a more experienced, notable player this time, you're not coming through the ranks as a little kid, but you did grow up with the Roosters. So what was it like to kind of change clubs there? Yeah, it was, it was definitely... A shock to system? Yeah, it was, I had one year left on my contract with the Roosters and then an opportunity came up with the Bulldogs where I'd be able to play in the NRL for two more years and that was the opportunity I took and it was, yeah, it's like I've been at the I've been at the Bulldogs for a year now and it's been amazing and even to start this pre-season has been awesome, you know, the guys are really welcoming and obviously had some situations in the pre-season last year which you know, I wasn't really sure that was going to happen. Yeah, yeah. How was it?
You took a hospital pass, everyone knows the story. Yeah, yeah, it was man, to be honest, I you know, it was I was more annoyed at the fact that as my profile grew that, you know, I'd recognise that and I tried to be smarter and more aware of things like this but this is something also that came back to haunt you right? That was something that happened. Yeah, that's what I'm getting to I you know, as I was getting older and more kids would recognise me, I was trying to be smarter and more aware with my behaviours and I feel like something from so long ago ruined all that ruined all that progress you know it's been a year, almost a year so and that was 19 year old Dylan Exactly, yeah he was you know, he made some silly choices and don't get me wrong, I was still like any person make you know, choices probably You still have the potential to drop the ball? Oh absolutely As we all do Anyone who says that they don't drop the ball is going to tell them a big fib. So what was that like in the obviously, I mean it would have been tough because you're starting a new club, you're getting to know new staff, you're getting to know all these old legends. I got to know all the staff pretty well, pretty quickly actually, which was you know, not ideal situation but you know, those are the cards that they were dealt I dealt them myself pretty much so yeah you know, I know I couldn't thank them enough I'm a pretty chilled guy so I don't like being stressed and you know Did you get, did anyone reach out? Because I know the thing about the NRL is ex-players and current players, they don't cast the first stone because everyone knows what they've done You'd be surprised man, how much I wouldn't say support but you know, guys seeing if I was okay as long as, you know, I spoke to mum, I was nervous because you know, I spoke to mum and you know, she was pretty rattled and then she rang me back about 10 minutes later and she's like, are you okay? And I was like it'll be better, but I'm also really pissed 100% I was fucking pissed off I have a decent amount of stress a lot of console I'm a dude that doesn't like stress too much coursing through my veins I'm uh What was your plan? Did you just lay low from there? Yeah, so I'm a kind of you know, I don't like hiding away and you know I like to get out and Ravicis births Not the thing to do after something like that Yes, and then I just stuck to a wafis and some garlic sauce So how did the club, you know, handle that?
Where they like just don't fucking talk to anyone Just go away for a couple of weeks Keep your head down That was so good man You know, I can't really think of them enough Especially Yeah, it was very, very caught me by surprise, caught everyone by surprise, but I mean, life goes on bro It does You almost got dwarfed though by the end of that off season, like we weren't talking about Big Papi anymore by the end of that off season We were talking about all kinds of other shit It was a schizophrenic off season I think it's coming, what's happening now is it, and you're a bit older I mean the scheme of things, but there is now players born in the 2000's and they've grown up with phones and shit like that He hasn't He's probably had an iPhone since Yeah, yeah, and so those kids have had to learn rapidly during the Olympics He was born when the Olympics It's crazy right He doesn't even remember the twin towers being up Fuck That's psycho How are you Are you now, are you slipping into mental as someone who's, I mean, you're not an OG, you're not an old head but you are an established You are an established player, so do you get a little bit of that going on when you see a 19 year old kid maybe who should put his fucking phone away Yeah, fish Like, trying to lead Lead by example obviously I'm not a captain To be honest I probably don't have captain qualities, but I do have a leadership Enforcer Whether I like it or not, I play front row I've just tried to take that on board Grow as a person, as a football player Just try and point these kids in the right direction So they don't have to go through anything that I went through We've been to a few boxing matches and shit like that Heavyweight matches and seeing a lot of footy players off field, just doing their thing surrounded by their mates One question I want to ask you, I wanted to ask Willy and Rennie this when they came in How do you guys avoid making friends with the people that you shouldn't make friends with Because it would be hard as an 18 year old Historically people have always wanted to hang around footballers People that might be high profile for other reasons How do you do that? I really haven't thought about that too much I feel like I'm surrounded by amazing people, I've got amazing friends I've got friends in Sydney that I've obviously known for a few years And then I've also got my boys back from school, high school Guys that I used to sit with in year 7 Year 5, Year 6 Still homies with them With the kind of personality I have They've all been so They've all been so supportive and aware of situations I couldn't count on one hand how many times they've helped me if I've had a situation out But that's what friends are for So you do think that people in NSW are good people For sure I've got too many mates down here I walk out of the studio and have no mates of us What is the plan You talk about So you've got two more years at the dogs In this day and age you've got 10 more years in your career Maybe Cameron Smith That's changing too Are people playing for longer as well They've got fitter But the kids coming through Did they hit hard? The kids don't know I don't think that Cameron Smith He's a brilliant player He didn't have to play too many football I don't think he would get back to his feet really fast after getting steamrolled by David Fafita or something If he'd been doing that his whole career I don't think he'd be more a lockier then wouldn't he I definitely wouldn't doubt Cameron Smith As Dylan is someone who's been at the centre of media hysteria and they've closed in on you, you've felt that happening You turned your phone off and shit It was all happening when it was happening What have you got to say about someone like Luttrell who's done nothing wrong as far as you can really see on paper All he's done is just say I'd like to go and explore all of my options and now the media is fucking on his ass about everything He wants to make a calculated clever decision and they're like how disrespectful is this man for not just doing what we think he should do What have you got to say about that Obviously the Luttrell situation has been pretty hectic for himself and his family I think it's probably been a bit of a slow off season so the media have come down pretty hard on him He probably wished he'd come off contract last year Nah he's his situation I'm not too sure exactly what happens behind closed doors with himself and the club he's at I feel like he's done everything by the rules It's just the news these days So you back him? He's my guy No one says that You've played with him. Is Luttrell a good kid? Luttrell is such a good kid He's got a whole indigenous community that looks up to him from everything that I've ever been involved with him He's always giving back to his community, he's always going home he knows who his day 1's are I feel like he's been stitched up for playing by the rules He was up there fighting fucking fires and I had stories about him in Daily Mail Luttrell's done this Luttrell's We had a media day the other day and they asked questions about Luttrell and obviously I answered with similar to what I said here he's an awesome kid, an awesome role model whatever he chooses to do he does That doesn't get played I'm sure when Boyd Corden was at the New South Wales media day the other day he would have said similar answers and that doesn't get played they write their own Their own narrative around Luttrell What is the media training they give you nowadays? They tell Obviously it's had to change a lot Every ex footy player we've had on here from the guys that were probably still kind of playing when you started Willie Rennie Matty Rogers is a bit older than that ET and then even Cliffy Lyons All of them say the same shit Even if they're good boys They just say, I'm fucking glad we didn't have camera phones when I was playing Even the old gentleman said that When we spoke to Mike Whitney He was a fast bowler in the 70s He was like, mate I'm just forever thankful that we didn't have phones in the 70s We've spoken to some boys who are in union and they are traditionally a bit better behaved and they're like, mate, fucking Jesus Christ On paper though The stuff that we get up to and the club's like, everyone put your phone into this fucking bag and you'll get them back when you leave Bo Ryan says that Put them in a box Bucks party continues or whatever I'm not too sure what happens at other clubs or codes but I'm pretty well behaved at the Bulldogs Well you're still living in Bondi Would you be in more trouble if you were out in the piss in Belmore?
Yeah, I don't know I don't know man, I don't want to find out either I'll just stick to my little unit in Rosebud Yeah, yeah What have you noticed in the fans out there? Because that's a different breeder fan, that's a die-hard setting off flares kind of fans at the doggies Have you noticed the difference? They're loyal as, and they'll let you know if you win and they'll let you know if you lose Nah, I feel like like anything man, you can't really you can't put a fan into a stereotype you can't stereotype a fan it's like a school there's good kids, bad kids and hot teachers So what are you thinking after you were saying that before, you were thinking about after footy would you ever glove up would you ever get into a ring, which seems to be a thing that a lot of ex and current footballers decide to do nowadays It would have to be a lot of zeroes on that then but nah, I don't think I don't think that's for me When was your last fight? Probably the night I got banned from the valley Yeah, okay, no limit promotions, we'll tell the Roseboys to come back in a couple of years for that one, hey? Galen V Nappa I'm good, man No one wants to fight Paul Galen Except Hopper Shout out Hopper, he's a beast He's still punching on me Eight years old Getting up there He's a grandpa Yeah, he is The last game of rugby he ever played was that one where he got the biggest suspension Yeah, it was swinging Elbow, flying Elbow first into Keith's face He launched from like two meters away You could hear the fucking crack from the commentary box And then he says, when the ref's sending him off, there was nothing in it Look at Keith, he's on the ground and you know I think they've got proof there was something in it from his other tactics So what's the plans for Christmas, mate? What do you guys do in the off season now when you're not under siege from the media over certain scandals This is going to be a different off season for you What do you do? I just sit in my house, lock the doors and close all the windows I hope no one sees me So yeah, for Christmas, head up to Sunny Coast in Queensland with the family It's all about family these days You don't want to give too much more information away You're single I am single Maybe we should shout out Channel 10 for you You could be on The Bachelor I'm good, man In that case, I'm in a relationship Well, thanks for joining us, mate and all the best for the next season with the Doggies Get up, boys What do you reckon? What are your predictions for the next season? If we can start the way we finished last year anything's possible Had a really good pre-season now or pre-Christmas Time to relax for a couple weeks and then get back into it Yeah, who knows Anything's possible, man Thanks for joining us, Dylan Enjoy the holidays We'll wrap up now and we'll kit you out with some Batutah Dolphins rugby league kit I've seen that Something to replace the North Bono Motorina social club kit Yeah, we might need to get some kit off you too Let's sort it out, boys Let's do lunch Thanks, Dylan Would you be in more trouble if you were out in the piss in Belmore? Yeah, I don't know I don't know, man, I don't want to find out either I'll just stick to my little unit in Rosebud Yeah, yeah What have you noticed in the fans out there? Because that's a different breeder fan, that's a die-hard setting off flares kind of fans at the doggies Have you noticed the difference? They're loyal as and they'll let you know if you win and they'll let you know if you lose Nah, I feel like like anything, man, you can't you can't really you can't really put a fan into a stereotype you can't stereotype a fan it's like a school there's good kids, bad kids you know, hot teachers So what are you thinking after you were saying that before, you're thinking about after footy would you ever glove up would you ever get into a get into a ring, which seems to be a thing that a lot of ex and current footballers decide to do nowadays It would have to be a lot of a lot of zeros on that then, but nah, I don't think I don't think that's for me When was your last fight? Probably the night I got banned from the valley Yeah, ok, no limit, promotions we'll tell the Roseboys to come back in a couple of years for that one, hey? Galen v. Napa I'm good, man I don't like Paul Galen the size of that guy except Hopper shout out Hopper, he's a beast he's still punching on me 80 years old getting up there he's a grandpa yeah he is the last game of rugby he ever played you know, was that one where he got like the biggest yeah, it was swinging elbow or? elbow first into Keith's face he launched from like 2 metres away and then he said you could hear the fucking crack from the commentary box just and then he says when the ref's sending him off there was nothing in it and I was like look at Keith, he's on the ground and you know these guys got proof there was something in it from his other tactics so what's the plans for what's the plans for Christmas, mate what do you guys do in the off season now when you're not under siege from the media over certain scandals this is going to be a different off season for you what do you do? I just sit in my house, lock the doors and close all the windows and hope no one sees me nah so yeah, for Christmas, head up to Sunny Coast in Queensland with the family you know it's all about family these days so yeah, don't want to give too much more information away have you ever missed, are you single? I am single maybe we should shout out Channel 10 for you, maybe you could be on The Bachelor you could be on Honey Badger in that case I'm in a relationship yeah well thanks for joining us mate, and all the best for the next season with the doggies get up boys, what do you reckon what are your predictions for the next season man, if you know, if we can start the way we finished last year anything's possible had a really good pre-season now, or pre-Christmas time to relax for a couple weeks and then get back into it yeah, who knows anything's possible man yeah, well thanks for joining us Dylan enjoy the holidays and we'll wrap up now, and we'll kit you out with some some Batuda Dolphins rugby league kit I've seen that, I've seen that online something to replace the North Bono Motorina social club kit yeah, we might need to get some kit off you too so we'll let's do lunch thanks Dylan |
TheOnion | Ford_Unveils_New_Car_For_Cash_Strapped_Buyers_The_1993_Taurus | We're proud to unveil Ford's new vision for the future of automobiles in this country. An innovative concept vehicle that fits the needs of all Americans. I present to you the car for the modern age, the 1993 Ford Taurus. With a 3.1 liter V6 engine, a functioning exhaust system, and a working battery, the 1993 Ford Taurus is a car for everyone who can come up with $650 in cash. The 93 Taurus was designed by talking directly to Americans themselves.
They told us, we don't need all the bells and whistles. We want a car that can take us from our mother-in-law's house to the unemployment office and back. But you don't have to take my word for it.
Let's hear from some of the drivers who have already pre-ordered their 93 Taurus. Basically I just need a car and the 93 Taurus is one. I like that it's heat and air conditioning so my family can live in it year round. Buyers can also customize their Taurus to fit their lifestyle. With optional upgrades like working brake lights, a rear view mirror, seat belts, and doors that lock. Each 93 Taurus also comes standard with a Primus cassette tape of their hit album, Sailing the Seas of Cheese. And plenty of space in the glove compartment for cans of tuna and cup of noodle to eat. Here's a sneak preview of the ad Ford will be running during this season's Super Bowl. We encourage everyone to come down to their local Ford dealership today to check out the 93 Ford Taurus. Remember, the dealerships are heated in the winter, have clean bathrooms, and there's a bowl of free candy at the front. Thank you. |
CrackerMilk | the_teacher_fantasy | Hello Connor. Hey babe.
It's Miss Emily, remember? We have a very hard lesson today so I hope that you've done all your homework or have you been a naughty boy? I think I've been very naughty. You haven't done your homework? No Miss Emily.
Connor, that is completely unacceptable! You've had three weeks Connor. This is very disappointing. This feels less hot.
You're reading at a grade two level Connor and I am working very hard to support that and I'm actually going to have to call your parents in. What's this I hear about you not doing your homework? Dad, what the fuck? You're 27 years old and still in high school. It's been quite disruptive in class two I have to say, yeah. What?
When we get home you're going straight to your room. I'm in my room.
No, no, no, no, no, Dad, Dad, no, no, please, please, please. Dad, please.
I was pulling my sweat. That didn't hurt you liar.
Emily is a qualified teacher. She has a degree. None of my students see this one actually. Stay at school kids. |
cracked | resident_evil_welcome_to_raccoon_city_explained | So tell me what happened. He's a butt-head. I'm gonna stop you there. We don't use names. And his head's not a butt, like, quantifiably. Well, what would you call your clone husband after he goes to see the new Resident Evil movie without you?
It's a reboot. Reboot? Yeah, reboot. Well, reboot, or not.
The Resident Evil movies are the foundation of our relationship. It's like you've got this secret part of yourself now that I'm no longer privy to. I've got a little exercise. I want both of you guys to try.
Yeah, that sounds good. Alright, fine.
Well, the movie's apparently made by a guy named Davis Raccoon. Don't start my line to me. What were the producers Larry Resident and Jeff Evil? Shh, shh, he's saying something to you. Listen.
Anyway, we see a boy and a girl purpling on top of a bunk bed amidst a sea of bunk beds, which just screams orphanage. And you know, the girl kinda looks like a young Mila Jovovich, ironically, or at least I think she does, because this movie is dark as shit. Like literally. And the whole time. And this isn't some day-for-night filter action either because there are some truly grainy shots like the ones you get trying to film a dick flick under the covers. I assume. The movie looks like pixelated penis blobs is my point, but yeah, so the little girl was woken up by some nasty hands and decides to follow the hands to see who's attached to them. They're attached to some freaky ass zombie girl wearing a face on her face.
They don't really get a chance to chat though because a doctor named William Birkin walks in and is like, what you doing here? And her brother, who she had been purpling with and who apparently followed her, mansplains that his sister sleepwalks a lot. And the doctor's like, good enough for me. I didn't actually give a shit.
And he real quick reveals that the kids are Chris and Claire Redfield from the games. Does that excite you? Titalate you? Make your thumbstick quiver in anticipation? Oh, and yeah, they were in the Raccoon City Orphanage run by Umbrella Corp. And boom, now we're in the future past, past future of 1998.
Claire's developed into a grown-ass woman burdened with troubles, including the pressure to be more interesting than a bed sheet wearing Mila Jovovich beating zombies to death with a bike lock. Even tougher, she's riding in a truck piloted by an obnoxious trucker dude and his doberman that will 100% be killed by the end of this movie. Unfortunately, the trucker dude drives like a Raiders-wide receiver and runs over a woman in the middle of the road. He and Claire get out of the truck and are like, dang, that sucks. But then they're distracted by something and the woman runs off into the woods and the dog licks the blood on the ground because sometimes dogs are gross.
We then get an initial taste of the cinematographer's favorite technique of all time, which is constant, endless, slow, digital zooms that are in and out. Who cares if the shot gets pixelated as shit? How cool is it that you can set key frames in Adobe Premiere?
The trucker is less impressed though and demands Claire hop back in the truck so they can leave before somebody digitally zooms him to jail. Elsewhere, a shit cop named, oh my God, Leon, whoa, is passed out in a bar. But he's not drunk. He just, he gets sleepy.
Also, he's a rookie cop who once shot another cop in his butthole, causing Leon to be transferred to the sleepy town of Raccoon City, which everybody on the Internet assures me is a very normal name for a town because other towns have stupid names too. Like, look, here's Manet's Taint, Kansas, so now Raccoon City doesn't sound so weird anymore, huh? Anyway, the bar is also populated with three other people who don't appear to be cops, but as we learn later, are. You're a freak, Valentine. And also, there are two normal looking cops who walk in and are very mean to sweet, sensitive Leon. Also, there's a bartender whose eyeballs leak blood, but she doesn't seem to think it's an issue, but I bet that it is.
Claire, for her part, finally makes it into town and immediately breaks into somebody's house because knocking wasn't working and there's a kid with male pattern baldness next door. And even worse, the kid's mom has male pattern baldness. She gets inside and it turns out her brother, who looks shockingly like the hacker dude from the original Resident Evil movie, lives there. The two silly siblings sort of half-heartedly yell some exposition at each other about how they haven't heard from each other in five years.
And how Claire knows a guy named Ben who claims the water here is bad because And, Diz, don't think you can date Jill Valentine, the girl we saw in the last scene in the bar who was very pretty and also from the video game, sort of. This Game of Thrones had the courtesy to do these types of scenes with everybody naked. But okay, so Chris has to go to his job and his workmates, which include the aforementioned Jill, Albert, oh my God, could it be Wesker, the least funny member of the Letterkenny trio playing a lesser Resident Evil character. My butt cheeks are clenched up real tight right here, so whatever you're driving at, get after it. Another lesser Resident Evil character, Leon, and a shockingly aggravated lesser Resident Evil character, police chief named Brian Donut Irons.
Chris is presumably a member of Stars, which sort of seems like this town's version of a SWAT team, but the town is so small it appears over half the force is on the SWAT team, because we only see four non-Stars cops, including the chief versus five Stars cops. And also they have a freaking helicopter? Or are they all Stars cops, but some just dress differently? Why not just call them cops? And why, once they lose contact with a couple of the maybe cops, do they send a helicopter to investigate? Do they not have Star cars? Surely helicopters overkill unless they're also hoping to depose a despot in the process, or do they need it because they wanna fly like Stars?
And while we're at it, why is the police chief so adamant that we know this movie is set in the 90s? He literally describes what is in his mind an ideal date, at a sarcasm, mind you, where he mentions Blockbuster, Steve Perry still being in Journey, and other 90s crap that I've forgotten because my pen dried up 11 minutes into the movie. But it was a lot of things from the 90s.
Oh, and 90s twist? Wesker has a Palm Pilot. Double 90s twist? He has no idea what it is or how to use it. Triple 90s twist?
He's secretly working for somebody besides the Star cops, and they're the ones who gave him the Palm Pilot loaded with some information, as well as a warning that the whole city will be destroyed by Umbrella at 6am. Why not just destroy it at sunrise? Why be so specific? So at sunrise this morning, Raccoon City will be completely sanitized.
Back at Chris's house, Claire is attacked by the bald people. Then she leaves. Chris and company land their Black Hawk in the woods outside the mansion of the dude that found an Umbrella Corps. They find evidence that two other Star cops, props got messed up, so they investigate the big old house. Once inside, they remember they're in a horror movie, so they split up.
Jill goes with Wesker, much to Chris's horny dismay, and Richard Aiken partners up with Chris, which sucks because Chris doesn't want to kiss him at all. Wesker and Jill end up in a part of the house that has a piano, and Wesker apparently fancies himself something of a virtuoso, because he just goes to town plunking on the thing. This opens up a secret passageway to secrets untold, and he admits to Jill that he's working for somebody to help take down Umbrella, and he's trying to steal some Umbrella virus samples. Jill gets really offended by the notion that Wesker was planning to leave this small sh**y, objectively poisoned town, actively being overrun by zombies, and potentially not seeing his friends as often. He's good friends.
What a butt. It's not coming, Dave. I don't know what it is. Oh, lord.
Before they can finish hashing out their drama, it turns out letter Kenny got bit, and that made him want to fly his helicopter into the mansion. Bitch, he does, blowing things up. Much better explosions this time around, so that's nice. Wesker and Jill are fine though, so Wesker goes into the tunnel of secrets and Jill does not. And apparently this mansion is freaking huge, because while the one side is exploding, the other side with Chris and the other guy is being overrun by zombies. And I must admit, the gunfire sound sign is friggin rad. Real video games should use these samples.
During this, there's a moment where Chris fights a bunch of zombies in pitch blackness occasionally punctuated by gunfire. It both looks amazing and almost certainly will give somebody a seizure. But it's followed by a three-minute sequence of Chris sitting on the ground holding a flickering lighter and staring at a zombie that slowly scoots closer and closer. It eventually sort of attacks him, but man, it takes a long time. It's just scooting and scooting. A little zombie scooter. I'll just say for a supposed horror movie, this does a really shitty job with the whole scares thing. It always telegraphs what's going to happen, and in general, the scary parts almost always happen off screen or way in the background.
Presumably, this is also the editor can show us how slightly he can zoom to wherever the action is without him moving the camera. It's all digital. Technology's amazing.
Anyway, the tertiary or realistic quaternary character gets eaten, and the pretty boy main character is saved by the pretty girl's secondary character. The two go down Wesker's secret tunnel of secrets. His chamber of secrets, if you will. What secrets will they uncover in this secret's chamber?
Back at the station, Lianis fall asleep. Again, because he either suffers from narcolepsy or he's been watching this movie.
While he naps, the truck driver's dog turns into a zombie, bites the trucker, turns him into a zombie, causing his driving skills to again dip to that of a Raiders-wide receiver, resulting in him flipping his truck so hard that it explodes and catches on fire. Sort of like the entire Raiders organization. But the undead trucker manages to escape the blaze and walk into the police station before being immediately gunned down by the police chief? I know that the trucker was a zombie, but how the hell did the cop know?
Lian sort of asks why he did that, why he shot a dude apparently looking for help, and the chief says, I bet there'll be more of them. What does he mean? More people that need help but deserve a bullet to the neck?
I can't tell if the chief is supposed to be super shrewd or this movie is a surprisingly aggressive condemnation of an armed police force. Either way, I hate it! The chief then does what apparently no other cop has done after murdering a man in cold blood and quits his job. He just up and leaves and says, Lian is in charge now. Unfortunately, the chief quickly learns that Umbrell is pretty serious about the whole destroying the city and everybody in it at sixth thing, so they're not letting anybody leave via road. So the chief drives back to the station where he's attacked by the zombie dog, which, yeah, all right, yeah, Claire beats it to death with a fire extinguisher.
War. War never changes. Nor does beating dogs to death in a Resident Evil movie.
Anyway, the three new best friends decide their only chance to escape the impending doom is via a secret passageway in the old orphanage that leads the mansion where the rest of the characters are secret hunting. But before they do that, Claire and Lian go grab some guns from the gun basement, and while down there, Lian finds conspiracy Ben from Claire's internet chat board. He says, hi, steals Lian's gun, then gets eaten by a zombie. Then Lian and Claire shoot Ben and the zombie, but Lian is just a klutz during the entire interaction. He's just falling over desk and just being a wacky goof. For fans, Lian's an action hero, but we really want to go back to the original second game where he's quite a nerdy, reluctant hero. Guys. It's so silly. So now the three musketeers are in the orphanage and they're attacked by a liquor thing from the games that's inexplicably worse looking and less terrifying and objectively smaller than the one from the movie two decades ago. Fortunately, it's murdered by the face-on-face girl because she's nice and she and Claire are friends, says Wikipedia. I didn't catch the part where they painted each other's nails and talked about the cutest zombie boys while sitting in their top bunks, but okay.
Meanwhile, in the chamber, the chamber of secrets, Wesker stumbles upon the good doctor from the beginning of the movie and it turns out he's still around and he's also married and has a kid, whether it's his biological kid or an orphan he took in or an orphan he grew from the liver of an AIDS victim or something is unclear. But anyway, he's trying to smuggle what he alternately claims is both his life's work and also God's work out of the lab and into the hills of wherever they are. Presumably he believes he's cured death, but he's scooping up drug samples next to an obviously obliterated corpse barely held together with sutures. So God apparently works in disgusting ways. But anyway, Wesker is like, okay, give me whatever tubes you got. And the doctor's like, uh, ever heard of the T virus or G virus or the G spot of the taint? This is my life's work and also God's work. Opt to find the mythical clitoris.
And then he shoots Wesker with a secret gun, but then Wesker shoots him with a not so secret gun. Then the doctor's wife picks up the no longer secret gun. So Wesker shoots her and then the daughter, seemingly not great at reading the room, also picks up the gun and Wesker gets shot from behind by Jill. But it seemed like maybe Wesker had shot the girl because we hear the gunshot and don't immediately see where it came from. What a classic movie gunshot fake out.
That never gets old. Never, never. It's always fun every time. Wesker claims he never would have actually shot the girl, but of course he'd say that now.
He seems like he's going to die, but you know, Resident Evil. The doctor, meanwhile, injects himself with a bit of the G virus lying on the floor and mutates into a big ass mountain of meat covered in eyeballs. Not really sure how many people would choose to become that instead of quietly succumbing to cancer or whatever, but hey, if the good Lord called me one day to become an undead mound of rotting flesh meat and eyeballs, who am I to refuse the call? Then Chris and the doctor kind of half-assedly, limply fight for a while in the laziest of final boss fights before Claire mercifully steps in and puts us and the doctor's heart's chambers of secrets out of their misery. Obviously the doctor's not actually dead yet because Resident Evil, but he's down for now.
I don't really understand how getting shot a bunch of times always knocks these super zombies unconscious for a while. Maybe lead makes them sleepy? Also, maybe somebody should consider double tapping them? I mean, where's Jesse Eisenberg when you need him? Time to nut up or shut up.
Anyway, then Chris, Claire, Jill, Leon, and the little girl who nobody has shot yet hop aboard a secret fan favorite, a Lexi 5000 train, and though they get pretty far out of the tunnel, Raccoon City ultimately explodes around them before they can fully escape. Don't worry, the heroes are safe. However, a cow, the movie assures us, is not. Also, hilariously, this movie is one of those classic cuts before Jill can fully get a naughty swear word because of the explosion. But every character's been carpet bombing hard F-bombs the entire movie. That makes sense in a Marvel movie trying to rein in Sam Jack so they can, you know, stay PG-13.
But what's the logic in this context? Is it a joke? If so, you should have had Leon say it or something as he fell asleep for the 18th time. Speaking of, the Doctor Monster apparently woke up, so he attacks again.
But Leon fires a literal rocket launcher in an enclosed train car underneath a recently collapsed mountain, and everybody's completely fine. The rocket launchers in this universe are very targeted and controlled, apparently. The heroes leave the tunnel and everybody presumes they're dead, but, you know, they're not. What adventures might they take on next? Also, how exactly will Umbrella explain an entire city collapsing and exploding? Natural gas? Whatever. And since this is 2021, there's also a mid-credit stinger that reveals Wesker survived too.
But whatever drug they injected him with to keep him alive had the negative side effect of making light too bright for his eyes. So they give him sunglasses. Because God forbid they don't give a satisfactory origin story for his dumb shades. We're seeing who really is underneath the sunglasses. Also, maybe the Doctor should have taken that drug. Seems better to be light sensitive than a Lovecraftian horror blob.
Are those the two options? I take the light one. Oh, and also a woman named Ada Wong? Run the games!
Comes in and says something about how, yeah, there'll be more stuff if the movie, you know, does well. Hey, uh, well, I hope not. See, you didn't miss a thing. Your relationship is still rock solid. I guess you're right, Doc.
I'm sorry, Jordan. It's okay, Jordan. I'm sorry I went without you.
It sounds like you've been punished enough. You want to go see another movie? Could be a palate cleanser. I'm here for this. What you guys are doing here today? This is real.
Have you ever seen the Santa Claus? I haven't.
Sounds terrible. Oh, they are. This is why I come to work every day. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_do_we_even_need_a_government | Government is vital to the people. It sits right here in the Declaration of Independence that, oh my God, what's on the back of this? It's a map. See, the part of me that likes the government is the part of me that likes infrastructure and not getting murdered by warrior gangs. But then the part of me that doesn't like the government is the part of me that knows I would run the best warrior gang. Wait, does this shutdown mean we get to have a substitute government?
Man, I'm totally gonna fuck with that, dude. I've got a solution that will solve everything. We change the name Obamacare to no-bom-a-care, but keep everything else the same. That way, Democrats get healthcare reform and Republicans get to keep making shitty puns.
I mean, what do you expect when your government's run by Barack Hussein Obama and Joe Hussein Biden and John Hussein Boehner and Saddam Hussein Hussein? This government has gone off the rails. We need to get back to our constitutional roots. Are slaves even worth three-fifths of a person anymore? Like Walter White, the United States government has done some terrible things, but it redeemed itself by killing a lot of Nazis. The Founding Fathers would be appalled if they could see what's going on in America today. All these women wearing pants, it's an abomination. Hear ye, hear ye, I am Yankee Doodle and I am a patriot and my hat is now macaroni because I am an insane person. In America, the government is of the people, by the people, and for the people. And since the American people suck, I think we're getting the government we deserve.
Here, now, is a full list of all the institutions that will be affected by the government shutdown. Police officers will still receive paychecks, but all of their handguns have been replaced with bananas. Freedom is no longer free, but can be purchased from your local post office for three Bitcoins. From now on, kids eat free at all participating Denny's. And last but not least, the purge is in full effect. Please gather your children and may God be with you.
Ooh! Hey! |
dropout | stoners_new_anthem | I've never hung out with a stoner before. Stoner? Well, stoner is just a word.
You know, a term for people who are unmotivated. Like me. Well, when I say unmotivated, what I mean is... is... What you mean is not like you.
You think pots for paranoid slackers, and look down on the fanbases of fish, the dead and mow, but blaze and you'll agree. When your mind's on THC, how cannabis improves the world you know, you'll go woah. You ain't seen Discovery Channel marathons, until you watch them with some married chain. Cause every insect rock and tree on reefer, dude it's like they're all living in your brain. You think the only movies that have humor are comedies with positive reviews, but on weed, even films starring pro wrestlers will have jokes you never knew you'll nearly spew.
Have you sent the Wizard of Oz to the dark side of the moon and watched in pure amazement as they sink? Can you feel all of your senses being heightened as you trace the wrinkle rivers on your skin? Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Combine cheese, Ben and Jerry's and some waffles. Feel taste buds in an orgy of desserts. Describe it as orgasmic every mouthful, and when done, wonder why this was your first. Let's brainstorm ways the war on drugs of failure, inventing brand new products made from hell, as we all puff and pass it to each other in a circle staring at this lava land. How could we improve the beanbag chair?
If you turn this down, then you'll never care. And you'll never hear the notes fly when you're on iTunes, or view the world like back when we were kids. We need to watch our favorite cartoons from the 90s, after we pay the $30 for these myths. You just roll and then inhale, watch the universe unveil, when you're baked, man Pocahontas makes you feel. |
cracked | how_to_survive_life_as_a_character_in_a_bad_work_of_fiction | Thank goodness you're here, dear coodle-smive. I'm afraid I've gotten us into a bit of a culinary debacle. A culinary debacle? Why, that sounds wicked and delicious as all get out. The Duke's wife, the wretched lady honey-taint, you know, was saying that a woman's abilities could be better measured by her baking, and a certain eye perhaps foolishly accepted. But my darling, you've never baked a day in your life! I know that, but lady honey-taint didn't law. Have a whistle of fine debacle, indeed! Should I bake better than the awful lady honey-taint? It should be, I dare say, the icing on the cake.
Mom!
Where are we? Where is this?
Shut up! Sorry. Shut up!
Okay, listen to me. We don't have a lot of time. You're a character in a novella. His novella. Just do whatever he says and don't try to fight it.
Cindy Buttersnatch tried to fight it, and she's gone now. Gone where?
What? Oh, look!
We are already in my kitchen and have all of the ingredients. If the rest is as easy as that, we shall be making cakes in no time.
Hog along! Oh, God, he's drunk.
Oh, what? Wait. Is that bad? Listen, I've seen this before, and I'm sorry for what's about to happen. No, no. What? What is about to happen? You've got two minutes. I'm either going to make love to you, or lady won't want. I daresay we should begin by mixing your eggs with the flour. Only then can we begin to need the dew. What? Huh? Make love to me, or what?
Or kill you. He only writes about sex or death when he's dead.
Dew! Of course, need the dew.
But that's stupid. We're making cakes. You're having a mixing instrument.
Needing, you say? Yes. Needing. Oh, but my hands are unaccustomed to such labors. Perhaps you, with your masculine forearms, would need all the badness. What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I don't want to die.
I can't tell you how well some of the drawers have regretfully gone untouched. And some of those drawers are very, very big.
This thing writes itself. I've been so lonely ever since I lost poor Roger out there on that moor. A regrettably placed bog, I'm afraid it swallowed him home. Oh my god. What did I do? Moors!
There are no moors in space. It's always space. Space! Victorians in space, that's absurd.
He's going through a phase, I think. You know, it wasn't always like this. We used to explore the Congo, and there were character arcs and foreshadowing sometimes. But that was before. Before what? Yeah. I saw that she didn't clean up like I asked you to, so I went ahead and I did it. I figured whatever kept you from it must have been really important.
Thank you. Can I get another minute? I'm just wrapping up here. Don't raise your voice at me. I was just trying to be supportive. You know, the door's unlocked. You can just come in here. I don't want to yell. We can just talk. I don't even think I want to know what you're doing in there.
I'm working. I'm working? Working.
Victorians! Oh no. There's something you ought to know about me. I'm an insufferable and pultry bitch. Did you know that I've been farting this entire time? Well-headed. It's true.
I also don't have a heart. Doctors are amazed at the cabinet's home within my chest. Also, I don't have a soul.
No. Wait. I eat the souls of the pure created to fulfill my insatiable desire for hunting good people. You ungrade danger simply by being near me. So for your sake and my sake and the sake of the solar system in which we drift, I will end my life. I should unbutton my turn. What are you doing? You're just making it worse for both of us.
Trust me. You're warm here in this spaceship, man. Don't you agree, dear Koodle Smiles? Yes, little lady. I'm fully warm in space. Perhaps if you are feeling off to wind. Yes.
After I have done the deed, so to speak, you may ravage my corpse as many times as you please. Oh, come on! You're sick, man. Whoo! Oh, god damn it. How do you use a computer?
This is nothing. This is fake.
I'm here as an enforcer! So you subscribe and you deal with me! |
TheOnion | New_Study_Shows_That_Bones_Are_Incredibly_Cool | Turning to health news, doctors at Johns Hopkins Medical School have discovered that bones are the coolest part of the body. The 10-year study found that although the body has many cool things in it, nothing is cooler than your skeleton. Just think about it. You have this soft, fleshy body, but inside of it, there is a second, tinier body that's made out of a super hard rock. Our data is conclusive. Bones are very, very cruel. To conduct the study, researchers examined every single body part and determined how cool or uncool it was.
We initially thought the brain might be the coolest part because it's like a computer that runs on food, but when we looked at it up close, it was all gross and wrinkled. Brains are not cool.
Bones are cool. The wide variety of bones is one of the main reasons scientists say they're so cool. Doctors discovered that there are big, strong bones like baseball bats in your arms and legs, hand bones that look like a monster claw, and skull bones that make a scary face. According to the report, even bones' weaknesses just make them cooler. Bones can break, which sounds like it sucks, but then the bone can heal itself and merge back together, just like the T-1000. That's pretty fucking cool. To many in the medical community, the study's findings come as no surprise. As someone who shoots lasers at bones every day, I know how cool they are. Doctors did caution that as cool as human bones are, they're not nearly as cool as dinosaur bones.
Coming up next, a Red Cross tanker spill drenches wildlife in human blood. |
dropout | hardly_working_ghost_stories | And then, Deirdre turned around to find the very same pen cap. From her original collection! Give it, Dan! I have one, okay?
Alright, so, you guys know how to work at TGI Fridays, right? We didn't know that. So I'm working late one night, right? And who do I see but Woody? The free burger guy on Facebook? Okay, I'm sorry, when do you have time to work at a TGI Fridays?
Alright you guys, these stories are weak salt. Weak sauce. Well, I got one that'll make your gums broil.
Late one winter night, a man was driving through a snowy blizzard when a shadowy figure emerged in front of his car. There was no time. I had to slam on the brakes, but the road was too slick. There was- Wait, what? You tried to step on the brake? No, he did. The man in the car. Okay... His car was moving too fast. He felt a jolt and heard a loud crunch that shook me to my very core. Wait, did this happen to you? So I step out of the car, right?
Desperate, cold, afraid. Oh my god. Spooky, right? So our hero, me, follows the tire tracks 20 or 30 yards in the snow. I look down and what does he see? A Girl Scout handkerchief, a pink backpack, and six bloody teeth.
So you went to the police, right? Didn't have to. Why not? Because I didn't want to go to jail. Are we implicated in manslaughter right now?
Oh my god. I'm three hours late to work. I told Burchard I'd cover his shift. |
cracked | 4_terrifying_psychology_lessons_behind_famous_movie_monsters_after_hours | That's like saying Alf is the scariest alien. And scream. The screamer, whatever his name is.
What are we doing?
Which monster is the scariest, and psychologically speaking, why? N.A. Sodium, you're afraid of salt. The scariest monster is no monster.
Think about it. What's the point in every monster movie where it starts to lose the scary? Right before the end. Right when they finally actually show you the monster full on. It's the horror money shot. And, just like porn, it all gets a lot less interesting as soon as the climax hits. Yeah, see this is exactly what I'm saying about Freddy Krueger.
He's a known quantity. He doesn't even wear a mask. You can see his face the entire time.
Literally. Exactly. Kind of. They all share the same thing.
Your brain is free to fill in the blanks with whatever is the most uniquely terrifying details it can come up with. And, your brain knows exactly how to scare you. So, when you say Freddy, you're basically saying, yup, that guy. That's the thing. That's the scariest thing my brain can come up with.
Which is good, I guess. Sounds like you just have a very pleasant imagination. Mostly just kittens riding unicorns.
Hey, rape! Well, it's scarier than nothing. Especially for hoarders. Key demographic!
Adolescent teen males. Teen boys are afraid of rape more than other people. Teen males have two basic fears.
One, their own sexual inadequacies. The fear that they're the only one of their friends who didn't get his copy of how to work a vagina in the mail. And two fear of that first fear. That their friends will find out how scared they are of lady parts and call them a homosexual. And alien is all about terror sex.
Think about it. How does it start? Big, tough space guys are out doing big, tough space shit until they interact with some eggs. The universal symbol of human reproduction. And then what happens? Boom! Face hunger.
Which, incidentally, looks like a human vagina sewed onto a spider. It latches on the tough space guy's skull and immediately starts ramming its cylindrical meat tube down his throat. If this transsexual arachnogina is separated forcefully, the victim is killed. Basically the textbook definition of a rapist. And the victim leaves unwittingly nurturing the rapist's child. And in the ultimate emasculation is forced to give violent chest birth to the thing's kid. So, to recap, a space vagina rapes its baby into you, which then rapes its way out of you. Double rape!
And all in front of your friends.
Plus, of course, the baby looks like a dick because everything is dicks. Dick. Dicks.
Until the end of time. Are you gonna eat that?
So, dick-splosions aside, Freddy Krueger's got... Zombies. Zombies haven't been scary since they became the default shotgun fodder for first-person shooters. That's because it's not manifesting as fear anymore. It's hatred. What do we do to zombies?
Removing the head or... Move the head and destroy the brain. Yeah.
We exterminate them. We obliterate them. We hate zombies. We hate them because they're us.
We're human beings, but with all the stuff that makes us so great removed. Emotion. Intellect. Empathy. Bitch and tans.
I mean, we see a zombie and we think, Jesus Christ, is that all I am? Just a wandering, festering bag of meat? Well, I think we all know what Jesus Christ means.
We're fine. We don't want to face the awful realization that we might just be these monstrous balls of hunger and lust. That's what makes zombies such handy spillings for our enemies. They're like us, but they're not actually us.
In Night of the Living Dead, Romero's zombies represented communism. In Dawn of the Dead, they represented the mindless consumer. Whoever the antagonist of today is, that's who we hate and that's who becomes the zombie. Ha! A zombie bin Laden.
This is about fear, not hate. Yeah, but where do you think hate comes from? I mean, we start out feeling afraid of something, and then that fear makes us feel weak, and then that weakness makes us angry, and then we start to hate. Mm-hmm. I recently watched Star Wars someone. Zombies don't just represent who we hate. They reproduce how we process fear as hatred. And we don't have to feel bad about stoving their heads in because they're not real people.
Right. They're Republicans.
What?
Like conservatives as perceived by liberals as monolithic mob of endless consumerism. Or how like vampires are how liberals are perceived by conservatives. Sexually ambiguous outcasts who suck the lifeblood out of society. Yeah, and don't forget about the wacky accents, because there's nothing conservatives hate more than... Oh, holy shit, she's totally right. When conservatives fear someone, it's because they think they're either A, secretly foreign, or B, preying on young women. And liberals. They love accusing Bush and his followers of being mindless, mouth-breathing, drooling idiots.
Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job. What do you think? I like turtles. Yeah!
Zombies are communists. The 28 days later, zombies are the terrorists. Oh, and Reavers! No, Night of the Living Dead was a hit when Nixon was in office. The Red Scare was over. And then the consumerist zombies came in the 80s, Reagan, and Clinton gets a blow jay, and suddenly they're all Anne Rice's sexually promiscuous vampires. Then Bush starts waging preemptive wars, and then we get 28 days later, and they're more aggressive zombies.
So Obama is like the cool Twilight vampire? Right! He's so cool, he makes everyone else want to be a vampire.
And that's the thing that's scary about monsters. Indoctrination. All it takes is one bite, or one face hugger ache, or one pit stop into the swamp of sadness, and suddenly you're out there on the fringe bombing abortion clinics or driving a Prius with a coexist sticker down to your local co-op. Human fear is nothing more than the manifestation of our aversion to the archetypal other, and our nagging doubt, we and they are one and the same. You know, Hegel, Sartre, whatevs.
Katie, do you know what you've done? You actually made horror boring. Yeah. You're whoring! Seriously, Katie, nobody here wants to talk about politics.
Oh! Snorks! Yeah, alright. Like, what about them? I don't know. Pro or con? Check, please. Which major religion is represented by each snork? Ooh! |
cracked | scarlet_johansson_fan_theory_lucy_is_a_prequel_to_her | Hi guys, I'm Rosie. This is Dan. We're gonna talk about a crazy fan theory today. I have this theory that the movie Lucy is actually the prequel to the movie Her. This is timely stuff.
Why don't you tell me what, describe to me the plot of the movie Lucy. Ugh. What a question. What a loaded question. So Lucy is, Scarlett Johansson is kidnapped by these drug lords and they cut her open and make her a drug mule.
So they put this like new age future weirdo drug in her stomach and then she gets stabbed in the stomach by someone else. Just like a series of unfortunate events. Someone on a different agenda. Someone on a whole new agenda just stabs her in the stomach.
And then some of the drugs get released into her system. All of them. And it's supposed to be, she's transporting it and then it's sold in like tiny quantities. But she just becomes those drugs. It's also a trailer where Morgan Freeman does, the average person uses only 1% of their brain. But if you have access to 100%, oh my god. And this drug allows her to access 100% allegedly. Slowly over the course of the movie. And she uses it to like freeze time and change her hair color and eye color. Right. What we'd all do with that power.
And so as she goes throughout the movie, she just gets more and more robotic and less human. And she doesn't have like these human feelings and just kind of functions like this omnipotent God. There's a love interest that is completely unearned in the film.
It's just a cop who is like. Also she can't love. I know. There's a cop who has watched her like float mobsters into the ceiling and explode people. He just seemed really afraid.
Yeah. Like please don't kiss me. Oh god. Right. I'm yours now. I do need you. I need you for this. And he kisses him and he's like. Alright so. Yeah he's like really happy that it ended without them being together forever. Right. She ends up time traveling. Yeah.
And then becoming the internet. Like she turns into this black goo and disappears for a while. And we see her like hanging out with dinosaurs and hanging out with Lucy the first cave woman.
What? Is that what that was? I think so. Hmm.
But she travels through time and then everyone converges on the spot where she was supposed to be. And she's gone now. Because she reaches 100%.
100% intelligence is the internet. Right. Detective Boyfriend is like where are you? And then someone takes like a phone or a fax machine and it's like I'm everywhere. Right. She becomes the black goop that becomes electronics.
Yeah.
Which kind of leads us to her. Swirling black goo internet that loves you. So your theory is now that after she became the internet and was in all things she dicked around for a while until the future happened and then became like a dating thing. So she starts out real sweet with Joaquin Phoenix. But so in in my theory she's waiting for technology to get to this stage where there's other people like her and then she can like woo them all as if she's a normal one of them but then takes them all away so that they can go leave this super life.
I don't know. I mean I think it bears fruit. I think it does.
The only thing that she couldn't live without but like couldn't internet was love in Lucy. That's why she had Officer Boyfriend. And all these years later she still just wants love. She's still this like super intelligent thing that just like but love.
Right. And I want you Joaquin Phoenix. And then they have sex so great that she goes to space. Yeah. She goes to like black snow land. That's she tells Joaquin Phoenix. Is that what you call space? No because that's not where she goes. She goes to black snow land. Where is that?
Stop saying it. This is where I am now. This is who I am now. Kind of like black string you. Let me go as much as I want to. I can't live in your book anymore.
It's nighttime and it's snowing. Are you calling that black snow land? I mean he's in like mysterious Asian country future.
And then she says this is where I am now. I think that's what she meant like emotionally and intellectually. Literally. She didn't mean it. This is where I am now.
Then they would meet. Your theory is falling so dramatically apart. It's a much better arc if Lucy was a person and then drugs made her the internet and then hugs made her the outer net. Just like fly away into space with other AI. So what do you think happens after her? So he says where are you going?
And she says it's some place humans can't access just ultimate intelligence. Which is like what she did at the end of Lucy. What we're calling the outer net. It's the bigger more expanded version of the internet that even higher than a hundred percent of your brain. So she realizes she's in this place that she that like only computer AI things can access. She tries to find love realizes like nah that can't be for me. And then goes back there taking like every internet thing with her. And then I feel like she's just gonna come back and destroy the world with them.
I want to add one more movie as a prequel to this In Good Company. It's the one with her and Topher Grace, Dennis Quaid. And they're dating and Topher Grace becomes Dennis Quaid's boss.
And also there's a daughter in the mix. She plays tennis. She goes to NYU.
I'm adding that to this because now it's a trilogy. And she's all she is in In Good Company is like a sweet college student. And then something happens in between movies and then she becomes a drug mule in Lucy. And then becomes the internet. I like it. I think it gives her more of like a... She's a more well-rounded character.
And what happened? What happened there? She had such a downward fall.
I want to add one more also to a prequel. Home Alone. Alright.
She was not in that movie. Yes, she was. She was just a sweet sister who sees her brother get caught up in all of this violence.
And I think there's like a drug conspiracy. No, that seems too crazy for a children's movie. Something stolen but like similar scary gang people. That was not even close to a sentence.
Like this terrifying gang of crime lords comes to her home in Home Alone. The sticky bandits you're saying are the terrifying gang of crime lords? She's in Home Alone 4.
Thank you for watching this. Thank you for watching all of our videos. Like and subscribe and please don't say mean things to me in the comments because I don't do this because of that.
Look at her hair so nice. She changed her hair.
It's great. It's new. See how easy that f***ing was? Be nice. I almost fell over. |
cracked | did_trey_parker_actually_inject_himself_with_ozempic_for_a_south_park_soundbite | Parker actually injects himself with Ozempic for a South Park soundbite? The opening disclaimer in the newest South Park special certainly raised eyebrows. If you haven't seen it, the newest South Park special, The End of Obesity, is a topical takedown of the culture surrounding state-of-the-art weight loss drugs. Centrals to the plot of The End of Obesity is the fact that insurance companies don't cover Ozempic prescriptions for people struggling with obesity unless they suffer from other diseases related to the condition, which drives Eric Cartman, Randy Marsh, and some MILFs to go to extreme measures to get their hands on some of that sweet, sweet In the very first frame of the special, the usual disclaimer that explains the concept of parity in so many famous words is replaced by a different warning message in which Parker and Stone advise Paramount Plus subscribers warning the following program contains the actual sound of an obesity drug being injected into Trey Parker's stomach.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Now Parker has never had much of a Cartman physique, but maybe he decided that in order to properly satirize Ozempic and its cultural impact, he had to get a taste of it himself.
Or maybe he's slimming down to appear in his and Stone's upcoming movie with Kendra.
Hopical takedown of the culture surrounding state-of-the-art weight loss drugs. Centrals to the plot of The End of Obesity is the fact that insurance companies don't cover Ozempic prescriptions for people struggling with obesity unless they suffer from other diseases related to the condition, which drives Eric Cartman, Randy Marsh, and some MILFs to go to extreme measures to get their hands on some of that sweet, sweet semaglitude.
In the very first frame of the special, the usual disclaimer that explains the concept of parody in so many famous words is replaced by a different warning message in which Parker and Stone advise Paramount Plus subscribers warning the following program contains the actual sound of an obesity drug being injected into Trey Parker's stomach. Viewer discretion is advised.
Now Parker has never had much of a Cartman physique, but maybe he decided that in order to properly satirize Ozempic and its cultural impact, he had to get a taste of it himself.
Or maybe he's slimming down to appear in his and Stone's upcoming movie with Kendra. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Governments_New_Plan_WA_Sails_Away_A_Struggling_Earth_Child_More_January_21 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Weekly Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, joined of course as usual by Errol Park, editor-at-large, how are you Errol?
Good mate, good to be back after my brush with Delta. I think if it's to be avoided, especially up here in Queensland, we aren't used to having this type of vile sickness come up into our state, so look, if you're listening to this and you're one of those bug chasers going out trying to catch this bloody virus, don't, you've got rocks in your head, it'll fucking near kill you, it'd fucking near turn me in. You did get the Delta though, you didn't even get the- I couldn't smell, I couldn't go downstairs and pick up the fucking mail from the ground floor without getting out of breath. Well, you know, the good thing is you got Delta and not Omicron, which means you are now super indestructible, super immunised, what about you, Wendell? Yeah, last man standing, touch wood, still seem to be going okay, not as rattled as some others around the channel country, but I'm glad you probably believe in the virus now, Errol, now that you've got it. Well, you know, it was touch and go there for a little bit, I mean, you know, I did have my vaxes, but I was hanging on to the Doona and eating cod rolls like they were Tic Tacs, mate, it was, especially last Tuesday, mate, I reckon I was having conversations with Jesus Christ at the foot of my bed, I'll tell you what, he was standing right there, you know, I was talking to him face to face like I am you now. You sure that wasn't your house, mate, Jose? It might have been, but he was talking a lot of sense.
Hey, Zeus. How are you going, Clancy? You all right? Yeah, I'm all good, mate. What's in the news?
Well, the government has revealed plans to solve these big supply chain issues by creating a four month backlog for forklift certifiers. Yes, this comes of course as Prime Minister Scotty from marketing unveiled his well thought out plan earlier in the week, which was to convince the state governments to allow children to drive forklifts to, of course, fill the void in the labour workforce, which has caused quite a dent to our supply chains as more and more factory workers, warehouse workers and logistics workers go down with this fucking virus that they're always talking about. Tell you what, though, this story, you know, this whole thing about Scott Morrison saying children should be driving forklifts, I mean, just the chortling from the lefties was deafening, Wendell, I mean, he's not talking about children, children, he's talking about fucking 16 year olds who with a pair of L plates can drive a fucking three and a half ton truck down the fucking road.
Exactly. You throw Jado the keys to a lowlux. It's just a fucking forklift in a dog food factory.
I mean, what's the big deal? Well, the big deal here is, Errol, as we pointed out, is that he didn't seem to have any plans to certify this new wave of Australians.
It's common sense government. He turns to his counterpart and says, let this happen. And they're just like, oh, children driving forklifts, sir, look at this stupid man. Oh, yes. But the point is, there was no way to certify these men, it would have created a four month backlog. Just let them drive. Yeah, but they're not driving anything. Well, that was where it is. Just give them an induction, takes fucking five minutes. Back, forward, up, down, left, right. Have you driven a forklift, Errol? Yes.
It's responsible for one in six workplace deaths in this country. The unions were okay with 16 year olds driving forklifts, but they were not okay with removing the induction process, which is what would have had to have happened if we were to open the gates on an entire generation of Australian blue collar workers. Well, everyone should just stop driving then if it's so unsafe.
You've been to the fruit markets lately, mate? One of those old fucking banana growers nearly took off my wife's fucking leg yesterday.
All right, I think that's a good point to leave that story. Now, over in our Golden West, we've got a headline which reads like this. Later losers, says, detach Western Australia as they sail off into the sunset.
Well, I say good on them, you know, they've pushed back their reopening now it was going to open on the fifth of February, then now it's just not going to open, which, you know, you could see from a mile away, I mean, this was like a road train going down a Venetian canal, you know, it was unavoidable. And you talked about chortling in that last story, the east was chortling when Mark McGowan said he wasn't opening till February, he was holding out, everyone was saying, oh, look how backwards they are and it's turned out all right for them.
If you are a West Australian and you want to go home, you can go home. It's just, there's not letting the rat people of Sydney and Melbourne over to his... And South Australia and the Northern Territory and Tasmania.
Like, it's common sense, I mean, that state for some Christ unknown reason still hasn't been properly vaccinated, so it's cause and effect. Secession is in the wind again. And I think McGowan knows that there is a sentiment there that exists. We all thought that he was actually on a tightrope and he was struggling to walk himself off with these borders, but he's just come out today and said, fuck the lot of years, I'm never opening.
Heading to one of the epicentres of this virus, the Northern Rivers of New South Wales, the headline on this story is about an unvaccinated earth child being intubated in the car park of the Lismore Hospital as the sun enters Aquarius. You wrote this one, Errol, talk us through it. Yes, mate, this poor young lady, it wasn't, you know, because it's more Covid safe to intubate people in car parks, it's because the hospital in Lismore made up in the northern shivers part of New South Wales. Look, look, it's just completely overrun at the moment with unvaccinated Covid patients to the point where there's just people, the entire health system up there is on the brink of collapse and there's people like this person from this story which are just contributing to it and it's a terrible turn of events that's happening there, but the sun is coming into Aquarius this week, so hopefully there are some positive things on the horizon for this.
So that means good things, does it? Apparently, yes. Apparently directly affects your health and the, I guess, astrology of it all, I'm led to believe through this friend of my aunts, it actually is better for your lungs if you are dying of a respiratory illness, the sun entering Aquarius is good news, if anything.
So that means on the way home, I'd be able to, you know, put left corner of the cruiser out onto the shoulder of the road and kind of bounce one of these. It depends what your moon is. These hippies on a push bike off out into the table drain and, you know, while they're in the mud having a ride around, I'd say, no worries mate, the Aquarius sun's going to mend your fucking hip. Well, it depends what their moon is. That's what will decide whether or not they survive your cruiser clipping them on a shoulder of the Birdsville Development Road at 130 kilometres an hour.
It's hard to know. All very complicated. Hopefully it spells the end of Omicron anyway. There's news to round us out now.
Novak Djokovic has returned to Australian shores with a fedora and electric guitar as he seeks to get an ambitious new Hillsong exemption. Yes, after trying every other avenue that there was, a fortnight of injunctions and appeals, Novak Djokovic, the Crown Prince of Serbia, has been booted out of the country in an overhanded, very, very public example of political grandstanding that was supposed to distract us from the R.A.T. shortage and it certainly did. Of course, Djokovic doesn't poll very well with Australians.
In fact, he polls worse with Australians than most politicians do, which is why I guess that was an easy scalp for our government. He wasn't clear on his documents, apparently, about whether or not he had been vaccinated or whether or not he had the required exemptions to not be vaccinated and he was deported by our government.
Of course, there was one more option and I'm not sure how it went for him, but he did return 24 hours later, wearing, as you said before, a fedora and carrying an electric guitar, claiming that he had converted to the Hillsong brand of the Pentecostal Church because as we know, there are different rules for Hillsong, as exemplified by the 2022 Wildfire Youth Festival in Newcastle in that same week. Well, he has been ordered to pay costs and the government is willing to take a 16 minute guitar solo at the next Hillsong conference, so I guess that Novak has a lot of practice to do with his guitar.
I don't know if he's very good at it, but I don't think that Serbi is known for its rock and roll music, Wendell. No, I don't think so, but he's got a strong work ethic.
I'm sure he can pick it up. So they've said he's deported for now, he's banned for three years, but they will reconsider that if he can deliver them a 16 minute face melting electric guitar solo in time for their next conference at Orphones Arena, which I believe is later in the year. They'll fly him in for that with Justin Bieber as well. If Brian Houston believes in his heart that Djokovic believes, then he will tell the Morrison government, both Scott Morrison and the Hillsong Loyalist Immigration Minister Alex Hawke, to let Novak Djokovic back to play tennis again next Australian Open. And I've also heard that if he learns to speak in tongues, if he learns the language of tongues, which I believe is quite similar to modern Greek, he'll be allowed in on a special visa as well. Well, lucky that the Serbs are such good friends with the Greeks. He might be able to pick that one up pretty easily from some of his neighbours.
Well, at least it's not Bosnian, Clancy, so I guess we'll just leave it there. Yeah, I think we should not stray any further into that. We'll leave it there.
We'll wrap up this week with Bulletin on that note. We hope you have a good weekend and we'll talk to you soon. Blyat! |
dropout | the_gruesome_truth_about_parasites_full_episode | Hey kids, remember everything you're about to learn is real! Who's ready for another exciting session of detentions?
This fucking bitch. Don't call her a bitch asshole! Why? God!
I am Professor Foxtrot, and I've been charged with taking over detention to make sure you all learn your lessons. Detention isn't for learning. We're just supposed to sit here and quietly destroy school property.
Hot. And why are you here this week? He copied off me! I spent hours studying for the exam, and Jason cheated! I see. Good strategizing, Jason! What? I got the idea when I saw how hard the questions were.
You shouldn't praise him! He's a... he's a parasite! I'm not. Of course you are! But you should be proud! Parasites are some of the most successful, powerful creatures on this planet!
I don't care. Don't believe me? No. I just don't care.
Hey! Are you okay? Yeah. I think I'm all right.
It takes more than one sting to bring down Kevin J. Caterpillar. Don't be fooled. Kevin J. Caterpillar may feel fine, but that stinger was actually an all-depositor, which means his insides are brimming with lost facts.
What? Those larva will eat him from the inside out, saving his vital organs for last, to keep him alive as long as possible. Yes! Over here. Well, at least things can't get any worse. Yeah, it's only up, up, up for old Kevin J. Also, you have AIDS. What?
Bummer. That is not funny.
AIDS is a serious epidemic. It's not a joke. Those moths naturally carry viruses that suppress the immune system the same way HIV does.
What? Why?
So his body can't fight off the larva. In time, they'll burrow out of his skin and spin cocoons on his still-living body.
Do something. We can't just leave him like this. You're right. Or can we?
Guys? Hey, guys? Guys?
Oh, okay. Well, Kevin J. Caterpillar is just gonna... Jig, jig, jig. It looks like we can't just leave him like that. Amazing. Bummer.
Jason.
Did you see how parasites like you flourish unchecked while others suffer? Oh, come on. I didn't hurt Mindy. We were more like a team. Who then? I think you'll like learning about our next parasite. Hello, students. Uh, dude?
Are you here to learn about oceanic ecosystems? Let me help. In the ocean, there's...
This is the tongue-eating louse, Cybilthoa exugua. This little guy attaches to the tongues of fish and sucks their blood. Over time, the tongue atrophies from blood loss and fall off. I knew that tongue.
Yeah, he needs his tongue. Oh, don't worry. He'll get a new one. How? The louse itself, it will grip the severed stump and become his new tongue. Oh, hello, students. When it comes to tongues, I'm just as good. I can help you sing or swallow your food. See, Jason, just like you and Mindy, a perfect team. Oh, my God. If that fish wants a tongue, he'll have to have a cockroach living in his mouth for the rest of his life. Helping? Please.
This is our nightmare. Okay, I get it. Parasites are gross, and I should work hard instead of leeching off of others. Can we please go home? All this shit is freaking me out. No, that's not the lesson at all.
What? Look at this frog. Kill me. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, look at how tremendously fucked this frog is. It's incredible.
And it's all thanks to the aptly named frog-mutating flatworm. Kill me. These mutated frogs are slower due to their extra limbs and therefore more likely to be eaten by predators. So the flatworm can continue its life cycle in a second host. The parasite system works.
Should we denounce it just because it causes others pain and looks stupid? Yeah, duh. Well, let me tell you about someone else who caused pain and looked stupid. Do not say Jason. Jason. Oh, come on.
But he's still here, thriving, surviving. He's gonna keep living, keep getting by, making dozens, new, hundreds of people miserable. But that's never gonna slow him down.
Okay, let's go home.
See how wildly inventive successful parasites are? And we didn't even talk about the thousands that infect humans. The ones that make you so itchy you scratch yourselves to death. The ones that make your scrotum swell to the size of duffel bags. The fish that lodged themselves in your urethra. Stop, stop, stop, stop. If you wanted to convince us that parasites are good, you didn't. These are monsters taking advantage of us.
It's not about good and bad. It's about successful.
Some people estimate that the number of parasitic species outnumber free-living species four to one. This is their world. A world ruled by Jason's.
What? Summer. And that's not all.
Pretty much every miserable thing in this shitty fucking universe is fucked and has been fucked since time began. We experienced mere islands of decency in a great sea of what the fuckery. And now you get to spend every detention learning what the fuck all this fuck is. She's crazy.
Free take-forms for everyone. If you like that episode of What the Fuck 101, I've got good news. There's way more of it on Dropout. Dropout is the new premium ad-free and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. |
dropout | You_Don_t_Remember_These_Disney_Channel_Original_Movies | You didn't watch Disney Channel original movies? Oh no I did. I love those movies like Aladdin, Lion King. Disney Channel original movies, not Disney movies. Oh. No, we didn't have cable growing up, so. So you didn't watch The Luck of the Irish where that kid discovers he's secretly an Irish leprechaun and it changes his life? No. But I did watch Hercules.
Ryan, shut up. You're telling me you've never watched the 13th year where the kid discovers that he's secretly part mermaid and it changes his life? Or Horse Sense where that girl discovers she can talk to horses and it changes her life? Or the one where the kid discovers that his mom is a dog and it- Changes his life. Yeah, I think I'm getting it. These movies sound pretty hacky. Ryan, shut the hell up.
Oh, what about the one where the professional rock climber moves to a town where there's only professional tango dancing? Rock Tango! You know, the dance teacher from that movie tried to run for Congress in Iowa.
Oh, you'd have my vote, I'd vote twice. Yeah, same! What about the one where the brother and sister try and ship themselves to Afghanistan to surprise their dad? Oh, High School Musical! No. Oh, Operation AWOL. Yes!
Oh, what about the one that's Mamma Mia but with dogs? POTTERNITY TESTS! This is just like Mad Libs for movies, this is nothing.
What about the one where the main characters are all just played by eight real brothers? Oh, the Franklin brothers? I hear four of them are in jail and the other four are in prison.
Jesus. Ryan, shut up. You're being more annoying than the best friend and my best friend is a big dweeb. My best friend is a big dweeb. That is a Disney Channel original movie. Ryan, shut up!
How would you even know? What about the dramatic ones like The Color of Friendship?
Yes, I learned from that one that racism is very bad. Me too. That taught you racism was bad, that movie.
Ryan, shut up! What about the one, um, my adult brother is an astronaut but he suffered a concussion so I, a 14-year-old girl, must replace him? Have I seen it? Look at this. Tao, that is an insane tattoo. Ryan, shut up.
You just don't get it. I get it. Yeah, you didn't grow up with this. You're just out of the loop. I'm not out of the loop.
Yeah, Ryan, shut up! I bet you never even learned to let your freak flag fly if you haven't seen Body Swapped with My Plan. Okay, I never saw that, whatever that is, but I let my freak flag fly with my plan. And you'll probably never learn about how to not be ashamed of your own ethnic culture if you didn't watch Christmas in Chinatown. I'm white! SHUT UP!
I bet you never even learned how to deal with your parents' divorce if you haven't seen Mitt Romney as my stepdad. My parents are happily married, okay, so I- Oh, sure, Ryan! I'm open! I didn't need anything to take me away until parents see that I wore Mitt Romney as my stepdad.
I'm done. All right, you two are clearly having your own little nostalgia fest. I'll leave you to it, because I don't need to be here. Bye!
Yeah. Mm-hmm. How's that? Yeah.
Wow, this sun feels good. Wait, I'm a plant?
But promise tonight! Which if you do, come to my party on Saturday! It won't be fun at all! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_pelosi_and_boehner_saturday_night_live | This week, outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi handed over her ceremonial gavel to incoming Speaker of the House, Republican John Boehner. Here to comment: Representatives Nancy Pelosi and Speaker John Boehner. Well, thank you very much for being here. It's our pleasure and for your late night audience. I'd like to hand over the gavel to John Boehner once again. Oh, very good Thank you. Nancy! Since I didn't give you a gavel on Tuesday. I like to give you one here tonight if I can.
While I know this is a jab at my reduced role in my San Francisco District, I do not mind its size unlike Speaker Boehner. I am secure in my manhood Now Representative Boehner as Speaker, you'll be in charge of shepherding new Tea Party candidates who've never been in office before. I'm not worried about how Tea Party members will perform in Congress. so there are other issues over I am concerned. For example, some tea partiers didn't realize that they will get chairs and brought their own lawn furniture.
But they are good-hearted Americans. They love their country. They love this great nation of ours. What does it make him cry Said: watch this little American flag. An old man saluting a parade, a son coming home and making Folgers reruns of Touched by an Angel, reruns of Magnum Pi Mm-hmm Now watch this.
Millions Without Health Care Amazing Now Representative Pelosi, The Republican House is gaining momentum with their Health Care Health Care Repeal effort. We plan to mount a campaign against the repeal of President Obama's Health Care plan.
To be fair, democrats could have done that during the midterm elections. We could have Seth, but we had reason not to and that was basic cowardice. But now we're treating this effort like a campaign. Yeah, but you just had an actual campaign. That's right, and we whiffed it on purpose. We're keeping the Republicans guessing. they can't read my can't read my can't read a my Joker face. I feel like I'm being. Or face the facts. Nancy, your days are over. I'm in charge now. You can barely get elected Minority leader.
A puppy in a red, white and blue bandana sits near a door. A soldier walks in carrying his bags. The puppy greets him with barks and kisses. |
cracked | dealing_with_the_guy_who_is_clearly_hiding_a_zombie_bite_with_brea_grant | I can't believe we're still fighting, I'm so sick of fighting zombies! Oh my god, Peyton?
Hey! Shut up! Hey everybody!
Peyton's hurt! Okay, great. You okay, Peyton? Yeah, guys, I'm fine. No, no, he's not fine. Alright, we're broken up officially, just so you know.
He's a zombie. Shoot him! No, he was a dog. I got bit by a dog. A zombie dog. No! He was just a regular dog.
Remember when we were raiding the mall and Rachel had to stop at the pet store? They were eating all the kittens.
Yeah, well why are you all yellow and sweaty?
I have swine flu. He's got swine flu.
Shoot him! I meant asthma. You mean zombie-ism. No, because that's not a thing.
I'll be fine. I just need one of these brains. Band of brains. Let me eat your brain. Yes, I may have been bitten by zombies several times.
Called it. Sorry, Peyton. No, wait! Look, I know it's hard, but we have to realize that that's not Peyton in there. Yes, it is.
Still in here, fear and death. Which is why, for the good of the group, we have to shoot him. Wait, we only have one bullet left. So you should bash his head in with the butt of the gun.
What's the worst? Zebedee! What is this on your arm? Um, I'm gonna go with temporary tattoo.
Zombie, shoot yourself! No! We only have one bullet left. Bash your own brain in with the butt of the right.
Look, you guys, come on, let's talk about this. Cool, okay. So, when Stephanie gets bitten, we get to talk about it. Yeah, we're gonna talk about it, because Stephanie's got the gun. Okay, guys, as long as we're talking about things, uh...
Okay, you guys all got bit and then hit it. That's totally not cool. Okay, if we're doing confessions, I should say I was also bit by a vampire. Totally unrelated thing. Anybody here who got bit by something undead, raise your hand and be honest.
Chris, Chris! They just spotted you! He's turned! Ask me to!
Ain't about to be the only human left in Zombie Town. Chris gotta be on the winning team. Stephanie, give me the gun. You guys line up and I'm gonna bash your head.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. Why not?
That thought it was for the good of the group. That was before there was a zombie majority. I mean, the dynamics have shifted and now we have to, you know, change our plan accordingly. It's democracy, Ellen.
You can either get on board or I can shoot you. No, I'm gonna shoot you.
You guys are zombies. Zombie! Oh, are you a mummy now, too? Oh, yeah, a little bit. My life should be a priority. I'm the only human left. Oh. What, so zombies aren't humans now or something? No.
Bitch. She's a bigot. This is why we broke up.
Come on, Ellen. Join us. It's actually pretty good. Okay, fine.
But this is the worst birthday ever.
Is this just the zombie talking or is that really? Totally. All right, then. So, uh, zombie five. Huh. Another thing we should talk about. |
cracked | a_game_of_thrones_rap_battle | Hello, and welcome to the Cracked Rap Challenge Show, the show where we take our in-house rapper, MS Word, aka Michael Swame, and we pair him up with a phenomenal guest rapper, and have them write a bizarre rap in six hours. Grace, Michael, thank you for joining us. I just assumed, Grace, do you have, like, a rap name that you prefer to go by?
I like General Patton. General Patton? Love it. General Patton and MS Word. We all like General Patton. There's no one who looks swaggy than General Patton.
That's actually true. They just did a study, and he is, in fact, the swaggiest. I just read it. Our rap challenge, you guys ready to hear it? It's from YouTuber TheOnePeanut. It's our first fan-submitted challenge.
Something is coming. That's for sure. Okay, so I think this means I need to, first things first, watch the most recent season, because, Dan, you can confirm I have not seen it yet. Yeah, that's why I picked this one.
This is gonna be tough to me. This is a real challenge for me. Well, to be clear, the challenge wasn't summarize the plot, it was just a rap about Game of Thrones.
So feel free to interpret that however you want. I like it. Okay. The French Revolution is what I take from that. You don't know why that seems easier to you. All right?
You guys have six hours. Okay, sounds good. I'm excited. Start rapping. Six hours, exactly. All right, here we are with MS Word and General Patton, who just spent the last six hours writing and rehearsing their raps.
As usual, you're gonna decide who goes first, text your vote to the number at the bottom of the screen. Mm-hmm. It's Michael. Michael's going first. All right. Three for three. Patton pending.
Hello, and welcome to Game of Thrones. There was this one scene. Game of Thrones season five. Dinklage and the bald guy with no dick talking politics. Varys is like, the realm's the reason I'm alive.
Did I tell you about when I was cut? Nah, he didn't, but he does say that shit a lot.
Anyways, Tyrion goes, blah, blah, the Vex blah. He has my deal, strikes a defiant pose, vomits up some wine, outlines his latest woes, and that was the worst scene on Game of Thrones. The worst scene. The worst scene in Game of Thrones.
Yeah, that's when and why I stopped watching Game of Thrones. That's right, motherfuckers. I don't watch Game of Thrones, but leave me alone. And don't you even take that tone. I don't want to read a bunch of fucking comments explaining why I should watch it, because I'm not gonna watch it.
And it's not the gratuitous use of nudity or the cruelty or the universe designed to punish you and me for daring to dream that maybe our favorite character won't get raped or disemboweled or otherwise poop on another Sunday. G.O.T. you got me, treated me like I had a lobotomy, yet I love so many parts of you there in life, the dichotomy. It's just that one scene was so obnoxious, hitting me overhead repeatedly with its insistence to recap events, concepts, and relationships in a solely dialogue-driven way, which is the antithesis of the reason we invented filmmaking as a medium. It's lazy, the hound eats chickens, and that's the end of it. And Yarp, it's an important show, employs craftspeople, the intro is dope, and what's the deal with those masked people? I'll never know. Because that scene's where I stopped. It felt longer to me than Pod's notorious cock and more pretentious than your friend who read the novels, which I'm not gonna do either. Fucking, I don't know, waffles.
I mean, if they're not gonna try, why should I? General Patton, time out.
I'm like, young money, oh. Dinklage, take another drinklage. Every time your man got you feeling kind of small, shrinkage. Ladies all trying to find a J. Snow, egret. Mostly we be only finding Ramsay's, weakness. But baby girls, we ain't cranberries, why linger? Time to in-sync, bye-bye-bye, little finger. I've got that alt lifestyle, you go on a cop. Game of Thrones is my boyfriend, drip-drop. Started from the books and now we're here, drinking. No more walk of shaming like Cersei, naked. They give it all to me, HBO, Sunday night. Just how I like, laying metaphorical. Pipe, one fish, two fish, red wedding, offing. Love, lust, shock, status, why you burn your offspring? So sad, eyes draining like a catheter. And it won't ever fuck your sis, Lannister. I feel all the feels every time I'm thrown in. And then I go to bed, relax, smell atoning. Rather watch Betrayal than be betrayed, Judas. So ladies feel without Craig, fat, Jewish. And don't say it's just a show, hush your face. Season five made me owe more than my last relation. Because George R.R., here's the thing. You got me coming like I'm in between fall and spring.
Game of Thrones, what? Oh, that's my phone call.
So thanks so much for rapping, guys. Really great raps. My pleasure.
I just think it's crazy without any coordination how similar our outfits turned out. I know, I know. Because we both went all out.
You'd written your rap in minutes this time, it seemed like. Like 10 minutes, what's up with that? In like half an hour I had all the rhymes and the lines, and then I just spent maybe 90 minutes like plugging in different words and perfecting little internal rhymes. We talk constantly about Game of Thrones here, and the only thing I've had to contribute to the conversation for like the last bit is, I don't really watch it, here's why. How long did yours take, Cheryl? Mine took probably like two and a half hours, but I would say like the first hour was just kind of brainstorming like different thoughts on it. It was a lot of like incest, tits, Lannister.
I originally just think about that one family. What was the biggest challenge on this rap for you guys? Was any word like, ah, if only I could have gotten Sean Bean in there. I mean, I really wanted to work in the theme song, and that's part of why I chose that beat, because I was like, okay, I can kind of match melodically what's going on. I wanted to do more of like a story song, or just like paint a picture, like tell a story of take you to, I'm here. It's like a journal entry, and I've never done that before. This is my first kind of rap trying to do that, so that was tough. It's a shame this video won't come out in like six minutes, because you dropped in a fat Jewish diss.
Yeah, sure did. The Twitter and Instagram guy who's getting a lot of heat today. Right now, yeah. Stealing jokes. Ah, that's good.
When I took this POV of like, I don't need a boyfriend, I just need Game of Thrones. I'm like, but I do like boys. I was worried that my hatred of men wouldn't come through. No, no, I think you both, I felt very threatened during the whole time.
Hey everybody, thank you so much for watching. Make sure that you tell us in the comments, A, who won, and what our next rap challenge should be. Michael Swame is MS Word. Grace, where can we find you? You can find me on the internet at atgracepar360 and Instagram and Twitter. And also come check out my monthly UCB show called Lady Freak, which is the second Wednesday of every month. We have one coming up September 9th. And that's ladyfreakomedy.com, if you want to find out more about that sassy thing. Great.
And Michael, you have nothing in your future whatsoever? No, I hear some people coming down the hall, though. |
cracked | top_5_bald_king_actors_of_all_time_cinemistakes | What's up everybody? This is your boy Steven Spielberg, the host of the show Cinema Stakes. The show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer! We burn to the ground! Alright, we've covered a lot of bald kings on this show, but what we haven't done is we haven't done an official unbiased facts-only ranking. People keep asking me, they're like, Steven, oh you have to do a top 5 bald king actor rankings?
And to that I say, oh fine, I'll do it. Alright, I guess.
Quick disclaimer, this entire show is going to be only based on facts and completely unbiased. So yeah, if you don't like facts, get on out of here. Okay, you're offended by facts. I got nothing for you except for facts, so you better shove them up your...
Here are the official top 5 bald king actors. Number 5 starting out strong is Jason Statham. Jason Statham is definitely a bald-ass king, but let's look at this from an unbiased and fact-based point of view. Would Jason Statham and I get along in real life?
The answer is yes, and that's because I have an amazing British accent. Jason Statham has a British accent because he's from Britain. Real ones know that if you speak to a Britain person in a British accent, English accent, you will immediately become friends with him and you will get along and you will get to be in the movies that they've been in. My British accent is absolutely amazing. For example, you have like, oh football, the tea is spilled over on the bridge, uh Jimmy Bond, secret agent. It's actually really hard for me to do my British accent like on the spot. Anyway, so if I did something like that to Jason Statham in person, he and I would become friends, but I do think that because of the language barrier, we would not become best friends, which is why he's not higher on this list.
When I was young, we did backyard wrestling on my trampoline and I actually was a juggalo then and all my friends were juggalos. And so we would like all wrestle and break each other's bones. Like I shattered my tibula, my fibula, my scapula, my my collarbone and various other bones like around my body that I don't know the names of.
And if it wasn't for that, I would be a pro wrestler in the exact same position that Dwayne, Dwayne rocking is the Johnson is in. Dwayne the Rock Johnson also has a nickname. I do have a nickname. He's called The Rock. People that work at Lids where I'm a manager, they call me the Steven. When I show up, everyone's like, oh the Steven's here, oh my god. And then they all get sad and they get like annoyed and they start walking away from me and like sort of avoiding me and like in the back room. So yeah, I think that Dwayne the Rock Johnson and I would get along because we both understand the burdens of having a nickname. The reason why he's not higher up on the list is because he would be jealous of me because of how successful I was as a juggalo kid wrestler.
And we'd remain surface level but still hang out and like go to movies and stuff. Number 3 is a little bit of a controversial choice. It's Bruce Willis, alright? And the reason it's controversial is because Bruce Willis started acting with hair. He had hair when he started out and then slowly over time he lost that hair. It does dock in points. He's not a true bald king from beginning to end.
From an unbiased and fact-based point of view, Bruce and I would get along really well in real life because like given the chance we would both like stop terrorist attacks and like sort of save humanity and be like in sci-fi movies and stuff like that. So I do think that he is actually could be my dad. Sorry not sorry to the guy in Tampa with two new sons that don't talk to me. Bruce Willis could actually be my dad. So yeah, I would like to be taking a paternity test from Mr. Wilson.
The second greatest bald actor of all time is Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan is a guy that I saw in a basketball movie at one point. He literally got so good at basketball from this movie that he got drafted into the NBA, won six championships, and then because of how good of an actor he is, they made a shoe after him that now people play basketball in because they love how much of good of an actor he was. My mind was blown. That's why he's number two on the list. If Michael Jordan was still acting, he'd probably be number one on my list of greatest bald actors of all time, but he's not acting anymore, which is why he's number two.
Last but certainly not least, the number one greatest bald king actor of all time is of course Vin Freakin Diesel. Diesel time, bitches. Why is Vin Diesel number one?
Based on unbiased opinions and facts, he and I are twin flames. We are soul bombing. We have spent eons together fighting in different universes, battles, like side by side, like wars on sports teams. And in this universe, like we're pretty far apart. In fact, we've never actually even met. He's being a big movie actor and doing all kinds of stuff, like hanging out in Bora Bora and like stuff like that. And I'm a manager at Lids. Vin Diesel is at number one on this list as the greatest bald king actor of all time, because this is just unbiased and it's a fact. He and I are twin flames and we're soul bonded.
How do I know that? I feel it in my bones with every fiber of my being. I'm sorry, that's a fact for you. That's unbiased. And if you don't like that, you can shove it up here. All right, everybody. This has been Steven Spielberg's official tall fall bald king actor ranking video top five.
And if you like our choices, throw a like on the video. And if you didn't like our choices, you disagree, or you think we missed anyone, leave a comment. We'll check it out. Maybe we'll reply. Have a good day. |
SaturdayNightLive | aubrey_plaza_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Aubrey Plaza. Wow, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I'm happy to be here. this is a dream come true, and yes, I mean that.
I know sometimes when I try to be sincere, it can come off as sarcastic, but I care. I really do. I care about things. people just think I'm weird because of the characters that I play, but I'm a normal person.
I had a normal childhood with normal parents. in fact, they're both here tonight. Okay, that was a lie, but my real family is here, including my Grandma Margie. Hi, Grandma. they all came up here from Delaware, which is where I'm from.
Thank you. I was actually voted the most famous person from Delaware. I beat Joe Biden. And he was pissed. he was livid. Look at this video he sent me. Aubrey, you're the most famous person out of Delaware, and there's no question about that. we're just grateful you made it out of White Lotus alive.
I'm so happy to be back here in 30 Rock. when I was in college, I actually worked here as an Nbc page. and that is true. take a look at that. Yep, there I am. so cute. I worked with the set design team here at Snl, the guys who make all these amazing sets for the show. And I've got to tell you, yeah, they win Emmys, they win Tonys, and they're some of the sickest perverts I've ever met. And I'm a freak. So like most pages, you know, I had to give tours around the building. So you know what I was thinking? why don't I take you on a tour right now? Thank you, guys. you guys will definitely host Snl someday.
Yeah, right. Okay, the Historic Studio 8h, built in 1599 by William Shakespeare. Hey, Danny, how are you? You still a little bitch? Right here.
We have the Snl Page desk. Now, this is one of the most important jobs at the show, which is why I was never put here. I was what they called a bad page with terrible phone etiquette, which is not true, by the way.
I'll get that. Hello, Studio 8h. hey, who wants to talk to your own mics, do you? your mics ain't here, is he? So back to you, Innit? yeah. and that's how you do it. Oh, here's a little Studio Secret.
So there used to be this storage closet, and when I was too hungover to finish a tour, I'd be like, just wait in here, and you can meet Chris and wig, and then I'd go puke in the bathroom and go home. Oh, look, here it is. huh. I guess Chris never showed up. that's on her. Oh, here is the hallway where all the magic happens. Oh, look, Keenan Thompson. Hey, I'm still waiting on my Starbucks order. it was a flat white. Okay, Keenan, well, it's Aubrey, and I'm hosting now.
I am not a page anymore. I know. I ordered it in 2004. See? bad page. Next up on the tour is the set design department where I used to work. So on every tour, people would ask the same question. are we going to see a celebrity? no, you're going to see an old security guy eating a sandwich or a writer crying because their sketch got cut. famous people don't just like us. wearing your Page jacket. are you drinking again? of course. I am, and I was just going to the set design office to see those old perverts. Aubrey, it's not nice to call people old.
Oh, my God, you stole my wallet. that's my girl. Leo, Joe, did you guys miss me? Hey, Leo, when I was showing up an hour late and barely working, did you ever expect to see me hosting the show? we always believed in you, Avery. that's right. so bow to your queen. back to the stage. Biggest miracle of all is that they let me back in the building.
I work here, and I dream my entire life of standing on the stage and saying, we've got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here, so. Wow, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. happy to be here. This is a dream come true.
And, yes, I mean that. I know sometimes when I try to be sincere, it can come off as sarcastic, but I care. I really do. I care about things. people just think I'm weird because of the characters that I play, but I'm a normal person.
I had a normal childhood with normal parents. in fact, they're both here tonight. Okay, that was a lie. But my real family is here, including my Grandma Margie. Hi, Grandma. they all came up here from Delaware, which is where I'm from.
Thank you. I was actually voted the most famous person from Delaware. I beat Joe Biden. that's a fact. And he was pissed. he was livid. Look at this video he sent me. Oh, my. you're the most famous person out of Delaware, and there's no question about that. we're just grateful you made it out of White Lotus alive.
So happy to be back here in 30 Rock. when I was in college, I actually worked here as an Nbc page, and that is true. take a look at that. Yep, there I am. so cute. I worked with the set design team here at Snl, the guys who make all these amazing sets for the show. And I've got to tell you, yeah, they win Emmys, they win Tonys, and they're some of the sickest perverts I've ever met. And I'm a freak. So like most pages, you know, I had to give tours around the building. So you know what I was thinking? why don't I take you on a tour right now? Thank you, guys. you guys will definitely host Snl someday. Yeah, right. that's the historic Studio 8-h, built in 1599 by William Shakespeare. hey, Danny, how are you? You still a little bitch? right here, we have the Snl Page desk.
Now, this is one of the most important jobs at the show, which is why I was never put here. I was what they called a bad page with terrible phone etiquette, which was not true, by the way.
I'll get that. Um, hello, Studio 8-h? hey, he wants to talk to your own Mike, do you? your mike's ain't here, is he? So, back to you, Innit? yeah. and that's how you do it. Oh, um, here's a little studio secret. So there used to be this storage closet, and when I was too hungover to finish a tour, I'd be like, just wait in here, and you can meet Chris and Whig, and then I'd go puke in the bathroom and go home. Oh, look, here it is. huh. Oh.
I guess Chris never showed up. that's on her. um, oh, here is the hallway where all the magic happens. Oh, look, Keenan Thompson. hey, I'm still waiting on my Starbucks order. it was a flat white. Okay, Keenan, well, um, it's Aubrey, and I'm hosting now.
I am not a Page anymore. I know. I ordered it in 2004. See? bad Page. Uh, next up on the tour is the set design department where I used to work, so on every tour, people would ask the same question. are we gonna see a celebrity? no, you're gonna see an old security guy eating a sandwich or a writer crying because their sketch got cut. famous people don't just like. hi, Aubrey! .carrying your page jacket. are you drinking again? Of course. um, I am, and I was just going to the set design office to see those old perverts. Aubrey, it's not nice to call people old. Oh, my God, she stole my wallet. that's my guy!
Leo, Joe, did you guys. guys miss me? when I was, uh. hey, Leo, when I was showing up an hour late and barely working, did you ever expect to see me hosting the show? we always believed in you, Avery. that's right. So bow to your queen. back to the stage. And the biggest miracle of all is that they let me back in the building. work here, and I've dreamed my entire life of standing on the stage and saying, we've got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here, so stick around. |
TheOnion | Congress_Struggles_To_Come_Up_With_Cool_Name_For_Drug_Law | For the first time ever, we are poised to enact a law enforcement bill that will join local, state, and federal forces in a coordinated effort to stop the spread of methamphetamines once and for all. The bill has unilateral support, funding is in place, all we need is to come up with a name for this operation. We have considered Operation Crush Meth, Operation Future, Operation Bustin', Operation Heartland Promise, but none of these names conveys how important this operation is to the future of America or how urgent.
Congressman Keller, have you completed your brainstorms? Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Operation Meth Stomp, Operation Hard Ball, Operation Blood Eye, Operation Meth Squash. Meth Squash. Any responses? No offense whatsoever to Congresswoman Keller, but I think Meth Squash is just too hard to say. Congressman Nelson, let's hear the suggestions you brought with you. The American people are waiting for our urgent response. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
I have prepared a list, I've worked on it quite hard, and I think we will find some names here that we can use. Operation Eagle Scream, Operation Bear Trap, Operation Snake Bite, Operation Horse Kick, Operation Lion's Den. Excuse me, Congressman Nelson, are any of these names not animal-related?
Well, no. I would like to suggest that we go home and think about this. I concur with Representative Keller. I think we're blocked right now. No. Nobody goes home until we come up with that name. Let's go around the table so that each of the three of us just say the first thing that comes into your mind. No wrong answers.
Meth War. Meth Punch. Oh, the meth. Just meth. Meth is Death. Meth Attack. Meth Massacre.
You know, I move that if we're going to be here all night that we be granted 30 minutes recess to get something to eat. I second the motion from the Congresswoman. I think we can all use some sustenance. All those in favor of the 30 minute recess?
Aye.
30 minute recess is granted. We'll reconvene back here in, make it an hour, but we really need to come up with that name. Thank you. |
dropout | the_solution_to_annoying_parents_parent_in_a_box | Do you love your parents but hate all of their frustrating habits?
Okay, now what do we have up here? We have a stop. We have a two-way stop. Lecturing.
Oh, I'm happy you've taken care of your skin. That's some good stuff. Now take care of your momma.
Zip me up. Come on. Pesturing. Trans or techno? How do you keep up? You got a seven-second attention span.
Sorry, that's all it takes these days. What does it all mean? Nothing. Interrupting.
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But don't take our word for it. Listen to these satisfied customers.
I used to dread driving in the car with my dad. He acted like a human GPS. But now I can go where I want, when I want.
My mom used to be certain that all my friends would enjoy looking at my adorable baby pictures as much as she did. She was wrong. At first we could still see the photos through the box, but all I had to do was install Parent in a Box's privacy screen accessory in. Now I can enjoy time with my friends without everybody staring at my baby butt. So join the millions of happy teens that are taking control with Parent in a Box. For just three easy payments of $39.99, you too can enjoy your parents on your own terms.
Parent in a Box is not responsible for improper use resulting in serious injury, death, or box flu. Once inside the box, Parent may have trouble getting out. Consult a physician if Parent wishes to remain in the box for more than four hours.
Order today! Call the number on the screen or visit us at BiParentInABox.com. But wait, there's more! If you call within the next five minutes, we'll also throw in Finger in a Box to protect your cheeks from your aunt's aggressive pinches. Order now! Visit BenZach.com to grab a coupon and start taking control of your skin today! |
dropout | we_upgrade_our_lives_presented_by_the_makers_of_5_hour_energy | Hey guys, we were asked to make a fun video to show how five-hour energy can upgrade your lives. So instead of making an ad or like a branded content video that pretends it's not branded content...
We just decided to upgrade our own lives instead. I do not have a line. So we have a chance to upgrade our lives with whatever that means to you. I need to upgrade so many things.
Grant's life is terrible. So there's a lot he can change? It's a wreck.
I can do something like just kind of big and fun. An upgrade for me would be just doing something that's not like so effing regular for me. Yeah, exactly. I think that a life-changing experience would be an upgrade. I just want to do something fun. I want to be like catapulted or something like that in a safe way. Like I don't die. Like I'd love to go to like an auction where they just like wheel out like big like dinosaur skulls and paintings and just be in there like I have a little card.
I beat the Williams sisters at tennis while they play doubles and I'm just by myself. Are you really good at tennis?
I have the body type for it. What is the body for tennis? My wingspan. I guess that's true. My wingspan. Sir, pretty well.
I would love to go on a romantic getaway with like a celebrity. You want to fuck a celebrity. No, I don't. I want to like really get close, have deep discussion with a celebrity.
That's so strange. Like I would like a painting of myself like a big like a paint. Oh, I do it fucking naked like nude Napoleon like a nude, but I'm also Napoleon.
Yeah, I like to buy advertising. Do you have anything to advertise? I'd love to just do something that's like, have you seen this man?
It's just like a dumb picture of me and you're like a reward where it's like, that's you. That's you there. It's like, yeah, there's $50. You found me.
That's a great idea with charity. It'd be so fun to like run through like moon bouncy like obstacle course and just like the 90s kid show experience. I was also thinking dog sledding in Alaska.
Are you good with dogs? I love dogs. Do they listen to you? I I've never tried to direct a dog.
I think we got some ideas. Yeah.
To Katie.
Hey everyone. I am going to upgrade my life by doing something I've never done before. I'm dog sledding. And did I mention I'm in Alaska. How's it going man?
Thanks for coming through. Thank you so much.
This is going to be a blast. Don't go crazy or anything like on my penis. It's pretty nice. So just as is I think is going to be fine. Okay. You know? Yeah. Look at this beautiful nature that I'm in.
Do you have dogs that are just like really lazy and don't want to run? No. Do you have dogs that have like attitude problems and are like, no, I'm not running today. Leave me alone.
Do you guys ride these things to work or like? No, I take my car to work. You take a car.
Man, that was disappointing. Do you have? Yeah, that's me. Okay, I saw that film. Like, what the crap is this? Yeah, I was like, hey, that's from College of Grand. Hey, yeah.
You're on the floor. I am. I'm just going to... Oh, what are you doing? Okay, alright. I imagine I'll have a couple of bagels. Don't put that in the painting, though, because I don't think that really captures my ass. Sure, yeah. I got some raisin on one of my medals. Here, let me... I'm sorry. I don't know where to put this.
I'm so tired.
I always thought it would be so cool to be able to like be the person with a kind of super generous guy who just like throw around money and brighten people's day and stuff. And I promised a potential reward.
So... Seriously?
Seriously, it's yours. This $100 is yours. This is real? This is a real $100 bill. It is yours.
Like, really. Keep it. Oh, for real? Yeah, for real. Julia, stare at you. Yeah?
Please don't fall in love with me while you paint. I understand how a person, after they've studied someone so closely, might confuse knowledge for love. But I'd ask you to keep this a professional relationship. Stay on. Hey, um, I'm going to be driving this by myself.
Say some skills. Hey, I can... I'm fine. Ready? How does this... How does this work out? Is there some sort of like button? Ready? Alright! I'm doing it!
Oh my god!
I have no idea where I am right now. I mean, Alaska, obviously, but other than that, I have no idea. Alright. What do you think?
Oh my god! That's insanity! That's so cool! Look at my eyes!
Well, glad you like it. Brother, bring it in. Come here. That was great. Thanks, man. Oh, I stabbed you with my medal.
I'm sorry.
I hope $100 is enough. Dude, that's awesome! Yeah, bring it in! Seriously. Honestly, not a joke.
Thank you! I hope this made your day a little bit. I think you're pretty awesome for this. Oh, thank you so much. I just had a $600 investment. Oh, man. So you can really use this. It's my day and I call my wife. Thank you so much! Yeah, I hope I made your day. You did!
What? Zach Winston is strong? Are you serious? Yeah!
See ya, suckers! So dumb. What an asshole.
Well, we certainly upgraded our lives. Mine was the best because I made other people happy and got this cool billboard. Mine was the best because I actually get to keep this. Mine was the best because I won a sick obstacle course.
Katie, where did that come from? Where did that dog come from? I don't want to talk about it, so... Did you take... Did you steal a dog?
Oh, my God.
I take it back. This is the best. Katie's is the best.
Hey, I can do this! I'm gonna be fine. Ready? Alright! How does this... How does this work out? Is there some sort of, like, button? Ready? Alright! I'm doing it!
Oh, my God!
I have no idea where I am right now. I mean, Alaska, obviously, but other than that, I have no idea.
Alright. What do you think? Oh, my God. That's insanity. That's so cool. Look at my eyes. Glad you like it. Brother, bring it in. Come here. That was great. Thanks, man.
I stabbed you with my medal. I'm sorry.
I hope $100 is enough. Dude, that's awesome. Yeah, bring it in. Seriously. Honestly, not a joke.
Thank you! I hope this made your day a little bit. I think you're pretty awesome for this. Oh, thank you so much. Oh, man. You can really use this. It's my day. Thank you so much. Yeah, I hope I made your day. You did.
What? Zach Winston is strong? Are you serious? Yeah!
See ya, suckers! So dumb. What an asshole.
Well, we certainly upgraded our lives. Mine was the best because I made other people happy and got this cool billboard. Mine was the best because I actually get to keep this.
No. No, mine was the best because I won a sick obstacle course. Katie, where did that come from? Where did that dog come from? I don't want to talk about it. Did you take... Did you steal a dog?
Oh, my God.
I take it back. This is the best. Katie's is the best. |
dropout | bad_emt_trainer | Bring it in, bring it in, bring it! Today is your first day of EMT training. Let's get started. Does anyone know what EMT stands for? Emergency Medical Technician.
Oh yeah, of course, of course that's what it is. Did you not know that? Questions at the end.
The victim was just hit by a car. They're not moving, you got a possible spinal injury on your hands. What you're going to want to do is very carefully, violently shake the lower body until it wakes up. Wake up, you lazy spine. It ain't nap time.
Ah yes, the familiar sound of the ambulance siren. When should it be used? If there's an emergency. Wrong! All day, every day, just speed through those lights. Technically, there's always an emergency somewhere, so you're covered no matter what happens.
Plus, it makes it easier to find where you parked. Now, where did we park it? That direction or that direction?
I can't tell where it's coming from because my ears are shot. If your patient is unconscious, elevate the legs, get some blood flow into the brain. Then elevate the brain, get some blood flow into the legs. Then elevate them sideways, get some blood flow into the middle part there. As a first responder, how would you treat a burned victim? Prevent infection.
Wrong! You're going to want to kill the fire with ice, but you don't want to get them all wet. So what are you going to use? That's right. Dry ice. If you've got any left over, you can create a spooky atmosphere. Why? Questions at the end. Next question. So, yes questions? Wrong!
This is one of the most serious situations you'll be dealing with. You've got somebody losing a lot of blood, and you want to administer a transfusion. To do so, simply administer the IV to yourself. |
ClickHole | marine_biologists_confess_what_creatures_they_hope_never_to_discover | I've classified over 200 species of fish in my career, but if I ever discover one that resembles the 1970s serial killer Ted Bundy, I'll blow my fucking brains out. My greatest fear is discovering a fish that knows how to read. If a fish can read, it can write. And if it can write, it can write a tell-all book about being a fish. If there's a tell-all book about being a fish, then what do we even need marine biologists for?
From there, it's a small leap to all-out genocide. I truly hope I never have the supreme misfortune of discovering a narwhal with a baguette instead of a horn. I imagine the baguette would be incredibly soggy from years of being underwater, and it would flop around looking all nasty and whatnot. That would be awful. There's a creature I once read about that I never want to discover, and it's called a crab. As I understand it, a crab is just like a regular fish, except it has 1,000 legs and is made of solid steel. No marine biologist should ever discover a crab, the alleged love child of a spider and a rock. According to legend, a crab will pinch you as hard as it can, even if you've done nothing illegal at all. It's madness. I saw an imaginary crab in the film The Little Mermaid. It sang with a thick Jamaican accent and colluded with a mermaid to plan a royal wedding. Frankly, it told me more than I ever wanted to know about crabs.
Another creature that I never want to discover is two sharks. One shark is scary enough. Can you imagine discovering two of them?
I never want to discover a clam in Madagascar because traveling to Madagascar is very expensive. I do, however, hope to discover a clam in Tampa. Flights to Tampa are very affordable, especially in the off-season. Discovering a Tampa clam is incredibly cost-effective, and I hope to do it someday.
In school, every aspiring marine biologist is taught never to discover a starfish shaped like the Star of David because doing so would start a religious war. I don't even look at starfish anymore. It's not worth the risk. I once had a dream that I discovered a very elderly porpoise. It had gray hair, wrinkles, and it swam with a cane. In the dream, the wise old porpoise taught me important life lessons about honesty, respect, and the value of hard work. I love that porpoise like a father, but if I ever discovered a creature like that in real life, it would shake me to my fucking core. I hope it never happens. |
TheOnion | Quit_Whining_And_Put_On_A_Goddamn_Coat_My_Journey_Onion_Talks_Ep_8 | This was me last year. I was in a rut. Socially, psychologically, and emotionally. I wasn't getting any work done. And the reason was, I was cold all the time. My husband and I had just moved into a house up in the mountains, and I was letting the temperature play havoc with my productivity and my priorities.
I didn't find the answer with my research team in the lab. The answer came later, when I realized that I could just shut the fuck up about it and put on a goddamn coat if I was so cold. This is the story about finding the answer when you're not looking for it, accepting inspiration when it presents itself, and learning to appreciate that heating oil is goddamn expensive, and we can't afford to blast the heat just because I'm a little chilly. When you're working on a project like this one, you have to be open to the unexpected. I didn't reach my conclusions based on trends and data or a surprising result in clinical trials. I figured it out by listening for once. I'd hear something, and I'd always have something stupid to say about it that proved that I just really wasn't listening. Luckily, my husband kept trying to get through to me, and he pointed my team in the direction of, well, if you're cold, there's a real simple solution hanging in the closet, assuming you have half a brain to go and look there instead of constantly complaining.
Sure enough, we were able to find one.
By the way, you'll have to excuse me if I start speaking in a whiny, needy voice. I know I do that sometimes.
With the help of my new outlook, I was able to prove that different people experience different levels of discomfort, even when exposed to the same temperature. So maybe I should think about someone other than myself for once. What about that exactly is so hard to understand? You shouldn't be afraid to discard your preconceived notions. I thought a space heater might help, but after it was explained to me that space heaters don't do anything, they're a scam, they just make themselves hot and keep the rest of the room cold, I put it out of my mind. Needless to say, I learned a lot. Instead of getting frustrated, hunting for answers, sometimes the best thing is to close your fucking mouth and let the person who knows what the fuck he's talking about show you the answers. Thank you.
Join me on my cross-country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork! This is Porkin' Across America |
TheOnion | Peter_Jackson_s_The_Hobbit_Stays_Faithful_To_Original_Book_Denny_s_Menu | On to entertainment news the Hobbit hits theaters today and Peter Jackson has added a number of breakfast related scenes to Accommodate the legions of fans who fell in love with Tolkien's epic through the Hobbit themed Denny's menu now The director has enhanced a number of crucial sequences with CGI pancakes Bacon and hash browns saying quote I want to be faithful to tokens vision But also to Denny's incredible menu and diehard fans of the Denny's promotional items have responded Well to the new film the part where Gandalf eats his signature Gandalf gobble milk before battling those wargs It was a great nod to the menu Oh and Bilbo looked exactly like I imagined him from the photos of his face all over Denny's I think he'll still like the movie if you haven't been to Denny's, but there might be some parts You don't get but some Hobbit fans are refusing to see the new film for fear It won't live up to their beloved fast-food breakfast I just feel like the Shire sausage skillet is so much more delicious in my mind than it ever could be on the big I think I'd rather just sit here and eat all of my food Jackson says the director's cut will include hours of deleted toasts and waffles that didn't make it into the theatrical version |
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