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ClickHole | these_people_were_there_when_dylan_went_electric_and_their_stories_are_incredible | When Bob hit that first ear-shattering chord, it was chaos. Everybody thought it was a real train, and I shouted, he's done it. Oh God, he's finally done it. Bob Dylan has summoned a wonderful train, and it's coming to run me over.
Music would never be the same again. In the early 60s, Bob Dylan was it. All the boys wanted to be him, and all the girls wanted his precious guitar so they could sell it to their boyfriends for cash. I still remember buying his first album, which was called I'm Bob Dylan, but what is war? I played it nonstop. Everyone loved how famous Dylan was, and the fact that he didn't know what war was. That changed in 1965 with his second album, I Found Out About War, and I'm in Favor of It. After Dylan learned about war, I started to doubt his loyalty to Woody Guthrie. We all suspected he had fallen under the sway of Woody Guthrie's enemy, Mecha Guthrie.
When the summer of 1965 rolled around, Lyndon Johnson went on TV at four in the morning one day and announced that it was time for a festival. We showed up in Newport the next day, and it was on.
The band before Dylan was Professor Harmony and Friends. They played their famous folk ballad, Professor Harmony is Addicted to Smiling. I was hoping Dylan would bring more of the same. Dylan's set defied all expectations.
He came out on stage without a shirt on, and we could see that there were electrical sockets where his nipples should have been. Dylan whispered, let's find out what secrets the guitar has been hiding from us. Then he plugged two electrical cables into his nipples and strum the loudest chord in history, which emanated directly from his body. The music was absolutely deafening. This wasn't the Bob Dylan who worshiped Woody Guthrie and didn't know about war. This was the new electric Bob Dylan, and people were not happy about it. People started bowing. One guy even put his hands on his hips. It was an ugly scene. After the song, I went up to Bob and told him that I thought it was stupid that he had gone electric.
Steam power was clearly where the industry was headed. Then I gave him my prototype for a steam powered harmonica, but when he blew on it, the metal was too hot and it fused permanently with his lips.
People were so worried about Bob Dylan's lips. Someone must have called an ambulance because an ambulance immediately fell out of the sky and landed on Bob Dylan. The paramedics in the ambulance jumped out, put Bob Dylan's lips on a tiny stretcher, loaded them into the ambulance, and drove away.
Eventually, Bob Dylan got up and finished the set, but he just sounded different without his acoustic guitar in his lips. I actually thought he sounded great, and now that his lips were gone, we could finally see his teeth. I was happy to see those big beautiful teeth to Bob Dylan, but I was sad that electricity had made his music loud enough to hear. Music sounds bad and should always be very quiet, like a pond or a dead mouse. Woody Guthrie said that. Dylan made a controversial choice when he went electric, but I think it paid off. And his new lips look great. It was a historic performance. |
cracked | selfie_news_what_aubrey_plaza_wants_in_a_man_the_news_on_cracked | Hey dummies, Michael here. No, I'm not really leaving Cracked. The only way we could afford to do a news show is to have me phone it in for free. To make up for the f***ing production values, Cracked agreed to fly me to an exotic location and put me in five-star lodging for each and every episode. Total series budget? $19,000. Who the f*** is that? Oh. Let's do the news, shall we? See if you can guess where I am this week. In royal baby news, newscasters the world over are still reeling from no longer being momentarily allowed to discuss Kate Middleton's vagina on television. Reuters and AP reports of a defensible reason to publicly discuss Prince Edward's butthole are still developing. We will, of course, keep you posted throughout the newscast.
In response to the George Zimmerman acquit, Reverend Jesse Jackson has brought national attention to a similar Jacksonville case in which a black woman was sentenced to 20 years in prison after only 12 minutes of jury deliberation for firing a gun into a wall in order to try and scare off her abusive husband. In racism's defense, however, the wall was white.
In man-we-really-hate-rats news, scientists were recently successful in surgically implanting false memories into a mouse's brain. By shining lights onto conditioned neurons using fiber-optic cables inserted into the rat's skull, they were able to trick the rat into believing that a safe environment was unsafe and dangerous, and not simply because the environment included skull-piercing fiber-optic cables. The researchers went on to say that they could have easily done the reverse, tricking the rat into thinking that an unsafe environment was safe and comforting. But they didn't because they f***ing hate rats and will not rest until they have all been ground into a thin paste of data. On the bright side, this emergent technology may well breathe new life into my spec screenplay idea Ratception.
The King of Spain recently visited victims of a train derailment, because nothing cures train crash wounds like a visit from the King of Spain. Speaking of royal asses, still no word on Prince Edward's butthole, but do stay tuned. In the next hour, we'll be asking a panel of experts if they think we've been over-covering our inability to publicly cover the princely bomb. But first is how you would show off your butthole if you wanted to. But first.
In butthole-adjacent news, Geraldo Rivera recently tweeted a nude photo of himself to prove he's still got it even at 70. No word yet as to whether Anthony Weiner replied to the tweet, but Juan assumes. As the trial for notorious gangland kingpin Whitey Bulger continues, a key witness for the prosecution has been found dead under mysterious circumstances. In related news, Mr. Bulger is totally innocent, never did anything crime-wise, and we hear it cracked, wish Whitey a safe and speedy acquittal.
Please don't kill me. In news that's just something someone said in a press junket interview and not really news news, Parks and Recreation star Chris Pratt has gotten into top-notch shape for his upcoming role in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, and TV wife Aubrey Plaza is none too pleased. The Solon Starlet says she prefers him big and round, so she has something to grab on to. You like that, Aubrey? Huh? Is that good? Wanna grab on it? Michael, I'm sorry to interrupt. This just in.
Official word, yes, it is a boy. Prince Edward's butthole is a boy. And the people of the United Kingdom rejoice. It's a boy!
Actually, I'm one of Cody Johnston's wacky characters that he does, because he can't just talk like a human and do things seriously when he wants to make a point. I'm using this one to tell you to, you know, subscribe if you want to one of our channels. We've only got the one. Do it on the cracked internet. Bye, and I'm fucking Cody. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_42_will_ferrell_lauren_lapkus_john_c_reilly_rebecca_hall_ | Greetings listeners from the home of the brave and the land of the free. My name is Errol Parker and sitting alongside me today As is the custom is my friend and colleague Clancy Overrell. Yes Hello If you're listening on Desert Rock FM inside the diamond Tina Shire or if you are a podcast Listener who has downloaded the Batutah advocate radio show from somewhere else in the world. Thank you for tuning in Unfortunately, we've had to leave the channel country once again, and we're coming to you live today from West Hollywood in Los Angeles on the west coast of the United States of America Because just when we thought that all of this fucking roadshow business was winding up and we'd seen the end of it They've asked us to fly here over to Los Angeles to look at taking it overseas now Which I'm personally hoping doesn't happen.
I fucking hated the whole experience of being on the road. Yes, and From what we've seen the American cuisine would definitely would definitely weigh you down. It's fucking gross It would weigh you down. I don't know how those cunts can live on that shitter.
It's just so much mayo and sweet bread, but Yes, we're gonna see what they put on the table. Anyway before Errol and I go full croc Dundee Anyway this week for the podcast we have managed to get a sit-down with a few names You might recognize from the big screen. That's right on this week's show. We are chatting with Will Ferrell John C Riley Rebecca Hall and Lauren Lapkus. Yes many different stars of Hollywood They're promoting their new film comedy film Which is called Holmes and Watson starring Will Ferrell and John C Riley as Sherlock Holmes and dr Watson should be a good laugh for all of you. We saw it last night at the official screening and We actually think it's it's one that'll translate well into the Australian market And yes We've been given an assurance that Ferrell and and C Riley will be doing their best not to yell All the jokes they have at us. So We'll stick to the word on that matter See if we can get through this interview without without any Derailing or tangents as we did have last time We had a couple comedians on here Becky Lucas and Cameron James They they certainly they took us on a wild journey a rollercoaster of subject matter Yeah They're two very strange people But before we get into those chats the podcast this week is brought to you by our friends down south at UTS in search Yes, they're another way into UTS into university They offer you all kinds of diploma programs that can get you into a second year of a UTS degree Perfect for young people who haven't dedicated their life to the pursuit of a perfect data So check them out at in search dot edu dot au for more details Now let's get into today's show and just a quick heads up This week's show is going to be a little bit shorter because as you can probably imagine the likes of Will Ferrell John C Riley Rebecca Hall and Lauren Lapkus don't have all the time in the world like our usual guests do yes The the usual the C grade at best Celebrities we get on in Australian politicians. They seem to have all the time in the world to yarn these people don't This is a proper junket. Let's see what we get out of them You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy overall editors of the batooner advocate on desert rock FM Thank you for taking the time to talk to us today John and will Australia's very excited to see you too.
Another film again Well, we're very excited to be seen and we're happy that the whole of Australia is excited. Yeah When is the movie come out in Australia boxing day boxing day the day after Christmas?
No That's something to think about. Yeah. Well, we have a present a Christmas present for Australia and you're gonna get it a day late just a day late, but with Garnished with as much leftover ham as you can stomach But we have seen a few incarnations of Sherlock and Holmes What's this? It's one apart from the others What sets this one apart from the others? Well, I mean, I think just how absurd it is because it's not really typical of the Stories that we've seen with Sherlock in the past. So and I'm fairly sure than the other ones Sherlock Holmes solves crimes It's more American yes, I yeah, yeah, that feels true.
I mean, I'm half American. Yeah, I'm sort of Faking this British name everyone assumes. I'm only British and the whole does the English rose thing There's one thing that our readers that they wanted to know more than anything else is that Other boys always on you know, I always like that, you know, I'm always in character like they have really dark sides Yeah, sad trouble withholding tears of a clown yeah Yeah, we um, we watched it last night It's a great film and we noticed you in it you You had quite a pool shot when you can cost your co-star, right?
Kelly McDonald Oh cricket bat We didn't take you as fans or other cricket bat. Yeah, I think with the croquet hammer that I got in the head Yeah, Kelly got a cricket bat.
Yeah But you know what She deserved it. Yeah. Yeah Oh She'd been Talking smack to me. Yeah.
Well speaking of things that have been talked smack to The Australian cricket team. They're currently facing the Indians in Perth and not doing so well not doing so well Indians on purpose the press is still not settled. It's still Populated by Indians. No, no the country of India their cricket team.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, okay So as two avid fans of the best game on earth Yes, how do you think they'll go in this upcoming best game on earth is true ride the cricket without crushing it No, it's um, it's the crickets don't come till later. It's a game with a baton ball Ah, but if you lose you have to eat a whole mouthful of crickets. That's the name cricket. Okay It looks like it might be our first test loss against India at home.
Yeah, that's never happened. No In how many years a Thousand yeah It's part of the fall of the British Empire, right? they colonialized India and Australia and you guys thought you're a little bit better than India because you were You know the look with the other colonists, but I guess what India's committee Yeah speaking about the Commonwealth, yeah, wait, wait, sorry just to go back for a second Is the Indian coach a dirty ball Scruffer? No, no, like your coach. No. No captain and coach.
Everyone got stood down for that Dirty ball Scruffer Or something right now that's from Harry Potter notice it's it's called a ball Yeah, it's got a ball little ball wicket like a base a wicket. You're not gonna wicket It was scruffing with sandpaper. There was bright yellow and very visible on camera.
So So the hurt as someone who rose to fame in Australia Working as a prison guard. Yeah, this is a new black Is it different working alongside lead? Actors who don't have to pretend to be social outcasts and they just are Yeah, it is different. I Mean very different role for me in just many ways one being that I had lines in that one But Yeah, very different role very different experience Did you go method because you played a woman that was raised by feral cats quite well Like how did you get into that role?
Yeah, I spent a lot of time with cats just you know crawling around Licking water out of a dish we had to give her some small dehydrated chicken treats to keep her going through the day Yeah, this is an interest in tiny doses. Mm-hmm. Otherwise, I just wouldn't work.
Yeah Yeah, well moving forward in this movies, it's packed to the brim full of comedic duos Did you think what you to do? Oh, yeah. Yeah, got it. Okay, duos Could you see you two going forward as a new comedian spin-off? Maybe I mean, I think it'd be cool to explore the explore what happens to Grayson Millie.
Yeah back in America Yeah on the boat Spoilers I Think as Americans though, I think you two and the rest of America would be the only people capable of Portraying Queen Victoria in the way you did in this film Do you think because you're Americans you're allowed to get away with things like that? Well, we don't play Americans in the film. We play Englishmen in the film. Yes, we are very entitled Englishmen you know, it was just a set of circumstances That were unfortunate I can imagine yeah, well, I think if you did that in England and indeed Australia you'd probably be You know, yeah, it's very yeah care about the Queen that much still there Yeah, stand up for yourselves.
Yeah, you don't have to worry about her anymore Well you come on to her face because we have to you and she's intimidating bigger fish to fry Harry We're losing to India right now. Okay We're in a tree out of the corner of the call. Yeah, I'll sit on door. I will yeah now I just know why is everyone so freaked out by the Queen?
She has no technical power. I can't do anything It's an ornamental position.
Yes. All right.
It doesn't like she's Rupert Murdoch or anything.
Yeah Yeah, can you tell me was the most challenging part of the film the accent I Would say the I would say the accent I would say Some of the wardrobe We're gonna work corset. I wore a corset.
Hmm a lot of times. It's not waste training Yeah, because you know, um your accent actually at times sounded like you were wine growers from South Australia Thank you very much the free set was completely nailed it Yeah, the free settlers. They weren't convicts or straight from England and they remain the same real tops Mm-hmm. So this isn't the first incarnation we've seen of Homes and Watson on on the silver screen.
Did you consult any of the other people who've Played these characters like did you call up? You know basil Rathbone has still not returned my call And I called a bunch of times wouldn't that freak out freak be freaky wouldn't you be wouldn't you freak out? If you did get a call basil from the grave This is We didn't we did run into at a a Chelsea football match I said football relax, that's all right We we ran into the actor Mark Strong Plays Moriarty and the Robert Downey one and we he asked us what we were doing in London. We're like, oh we're doing a comedy version of Holmes and Watson and he Was completely befuddled really?
Yeah. I don't know if he thought that was a good idea a bad idea Well, it hasn't been done for eight in months. So it was like yeah, you guys had a lot to live up to Yeah, can I ask you as a question a personal question if you want are you bogans? No, no Well, we work in media. So we're elites. Well, what is a bogan? I guess that's like me calling you a redneck because you're from Chicago Bogans are pretty non-political Yeah, until they get excited, right? Yeah, it's kind of like a regular schmell. Yeah. Yeah just six-pack Yeah, all right. Well, you both kind of live here don't you here in LA?
Yeah Yes, we do cuz we're here for a couple days And I just wanted to know what you to Hollywood wax museum. Let's see it. What's the back? Well, what's the best thing to do?
We're here for like a week Get out to the ocean. Yeah, go take a nice little December swim To Catalina our island go out to Catalina Enjoy the one mixer. It's not the time of year for that. Yeah, you can create your own wine mixer In fact spend all of your time in Los Angeles on the island of Catalina. Yeah That makes you know, let's do that but a real answer This is one of the only places in the world where in the morning you could be in a mountain with snow And in the afternoon be at the beach with your feet in the sand So take advantage of that weird dichotomy of Los Angeles my friends because there's tons of snow up in the mountains right now And the beach is still Sweet ass so easy.
That's the first answer that we've had that hasn't been Saying, you know go and get some weed. That's what Everyone is that we legal in Australia. No, no, they will shoot you. Oh, no. Yeah up in Queens Is well, you know like it's like I'm saying now is talking to fuck with Logan style Talking to Bogan fuck.
What's like us the hardest part of promoting a film? Like the most obscure people you're gonna meet on this Promoting a film. No, this has been a delightful interview because you guys haven't asked us things that we've been asked over and over again yeah, and when when you love a movie and when you're giving a movie as a special Christmas gift to Australia or a Boxing Day gift and makes it a pleasure to talk about Who's the most obscure? Meteor outlet apart from the tutor advocate that you've spoken to give me like I am radio from Well, it's hard to tell who's the most obscure because we don't know but tutor advocate though Yeah that takes a cake Yeah, yeah, we still don't know why they great tutor advocate like this whole thing that's like a lobbying group for tutors Can you say hi hello, but Tuna Hello, but tutor Nice, that's pretty much all we had.
Yeah Crikey, just do that. Just one more question shortly before we go. Yeah, how come you guys aren't on Instagram? Because it's a waste of time.
We're grown-ass men. Yeah, we like that We like to live our life day to day live in the moment. Mm-hmm. I was on Twitter for four glorious days Yeah, yeah, how'd it go then they found an old tweet, it's so good I Got too overwhelmed by it. You took ambient.
All right Yeah, I couldn't I couldn't handle it on behalf of the good people of the far southwest corner of Queensland the good people of the tutor. We'd like to thank you for talking to us today. Thank you Yes, thank you for traveling all this way make two movies in Queensland.
Yeah. Yep. All right next time No, yeah, yeah, yeah, we had some good tax breaks for a while there.
Yeah, I'm a lot of stuff phantom with Billy Zane Thanks guys, okay, and that's it the Twitter advocate live from Los Angeles Having a bit of a bit of a time over here as you mentioned the diets a bit rough But we're gonna go check out one of these new dispensaries that have just recently been legalized in the last six months We've been hearing great things about it might might get some some health food from there Yep, I'm probably gonna steer away from the health food Clancy. I'm probably gonna get some THC edibles, I'm gonna head down to Venice Beach and hop on one of those higher scooters Which I see all the locals love down there go for a cruise up and down the beach stoned out of my mind Well, you know, let's say when in Rome and when in Venice and when in Venice Beach Los Angeles Do as the locals do anyway, that's enough for us this week. You're listening to the Matuda advocate radio show I'm Clancy overall. You'd be kind to each other. My name is Errol Parker. Good night |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_06_03_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're joined today by editor, myself, Clancy Overill, editor-at-large Errol Parker. How are you Errol?
Very good. Very good as always.
And of course the young fella, Wendell Hussey.
How are you, mate? Doing well, alive and healthy. It's great to hear, considering everything.
Anyway, this week's show is brought to you by Ben Elton's new stand-up comedy tour. It's the guy who looks like John Oliver, but has done far more than just rant to camera for his entire career. He's done Mr. Ben, The Young Ones, Blackadder and plenty more. He'll be hitting the stage in all the big cities during the end of April and beginning of May.
So head to livenation.com.au to snag yourself some tickets. If that's your thing, it certainly is my thing. I wonder if I can get there.
Anyway, first up today, Wendell, what's going on in the news? Coronavirus. Clancy is understandably the story of the week. We'll kick off there with an exclusive report. That was, report Coronavirus apparently causing people to shit more than usual. Yes, panic buying was in full swing this week.
This comes as Woolworth applies a four-pack limit to purchases of Gunnarap as the virus prepping empty supermarket shelves of household staples. Yes, it's weird because there is very little evidence that the COVID-19 causes people to shit more than usual. The fact that the digestive system is one of the few bodily functions that appears to be least affected by this disease because it is a respiratory illness.
Yeah, there were lots of people about town, they were also stocking up on pasta and breads, rice. I think the last thing that they'd need after eating all of that would be toilet paper because that stuff would block you up like a, like an errant bottle of piss left on the platform of a train station down in Sydney. It would send the whole network into complete bedlam.
And there were some comments on that article actually. A few of the readers went viral. Simon Laidler said, just help yourself to the free Murdoch papers found at various public venues and cafes.
That's all they're useful for. Wowee Simon, love a bit of anti-far in the comments. Good on you.
And Andrea McIlduff dropped another comment saying, even if you're cooped up at home for a month with COVID-19, how much loo paper are you going to need? Even at two rolls a week, you're not going to need four times 24 packs.
What the hell is going on? Fair point. Now breaking up the coronavirus stories that we've got here and we broke a nice little human interest story down in Sydney.
That one was about a drought stricken farmer who went for a dip in his $10 million local pool underneath the Harbour Bridge. Yes, in case you missed this story, this comes after the government awarded $10 million worth of upgrades to a North Sydney pool. That one that's right under the Harbour Bridge, which the mayor of North Sydney said was definitely a regional facility. Well, you know, if it is a true regional pool, it needs a 10 meter board that local townies can do quadruple backflips off, but certainly doesn't have one of them. Anyway, one esteemed member of the North Shore beef industry, Darcy McAngus says he's very thankful the pool got some funding under the sports rort scandal.
And it's always a great pleasure popping in for a dip when times are tough on the land. He runs a cattle station in Kirribilli, I believe. Yeah, got a few acres out there in some local news now, and we wrote a story about a young man beginning his character reinvention this week. It's all good, man.
Laughs, law student who just spewed through his nose into uni bar toilet. Yeah, I didn't really get this one, mate. I must be a story covered by a youth reporter. Yes, well, the thing is, Errol, I learned this from my daughter when she was at university, back in 08 before Gillard deregulated. I believe they get these cheap drinks at their university bars and they get loose because they've just met each other on our week and usually end up vomiting because it's usually made of goon and pineapple juice, which is a great concoction if you're that skint.
Yeah, I believe that's what destroyed Darren Hinch's first liver.
The goon and pineapple juice. With a dash of cordial as well. Or goon sunrise. Yes, this young fellow is almost certainly there and he is studying law, so he imagines himself to be quite a Saul Goodman.
He told us that he was going to be so hungover after that spew that he'd be curled up all day on the couch with some pad thai and the new season of Better Call Saul, which is out now only on Stan. Moving back into coronavirus news and husband alarmingly unfazed about toilet paper shortage.
Yes, you're an expert at this, Clance. You are the unabridged king of the shit shower. I believe it's called the bum gun is the term. Easier with a detractable head of the shower.
And yeah, that does more than any quilting or whatever ply could do. But yes, there's been a sharp uptick in waffle stomping around the country. It can be revealed today. Toilet paper at a premium. Plenty of husbands and men of the house have been timing their runs this week with shower time.
Understandably, there are a lot of disgusting comments on that one, which we won't read. So we'll wrap up. One last coronavirus story for the week, and that was.
Woman who spanned weekend sniffing coke off nightclub toilet cistern, not too keen on Chinatown. I'm just playing it safe, says Tara, a local paralegal who is currently intermittently fasting on her fifth coffee for the morning. Yes, the young woman who spent last Saturday night snorting lines of cocaine given to her by a married real estate agent who wouldn't give her his real name off a damp toilet cistern at a dodgy nightclub in the old city district said she's not too keen on going to Chinatown for lunch, as it is pretty high risk with this whole coronavirus thing. I think I also had a line of that married real estate agent's coke that night. And I tell you what, it is much dirtier than any street I've ever walked down in Chinatown. So I'd say that this young lady's fears are quite unfounded.
Yes, given the standard of recreational drugs getting around our real estate and advertising industries in Batuta. And of course, journalism. And journalism, of course, you know, lower down the ranks towards Wendell, kind of his level. That's where you'll see most of the drug abuse happening. Am I right, Wendell? Well, not so much cocaine as a kid at a regional newspaper. That stuff's pretty expensive.
He's whinging about his salary again. No, well, I have seen many occasions where Wendell has come in of a Monday morning, still deep within a very unpleasant looking k-hole. And he's trying to type with his closed fists on his little keyboard. And it's just, it's disgraceful and it's embarrassing sometimes.
Given that I've been handed my second section town, I'll ask for this to be edited out of the podcast, please. Oh, we'll see how we go.
Anyway, I would say the drugs that you and your cohort use, Wendell, are much dirtier than even the dirtiest street in Wuhan. So I guess you could say the Chinatown hysteria is pretty high.
And if you're not ordering bat soup, don't worry about it. On that note, that will probably wrap up the podcast for this week, I think. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. Until next week, stay safe, stay sanitized. And we'll talk to you again then.
I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Glenn D'Ovoire. I'll wash your hands, you grubs. And I'm Errol Parker.
Chucky Alara. So we'll wrap up. One last coronavirus story for the week, and that was...
I'm just playing it safe, says Tara, a local paralegal who is currently intermittently fasting on her fifth coffee for the morning. Yes, the young woman who spent last Saturday night snorting lines of cocaine given to her by a married real estate agent who wouldn't give her his real name off a damp toilet cistern at a dodgy nightclub in the old city district said she's not too keen on going to Chinatown for lunch, as it is pretty high risk with this whole coronavirus thing. I think I also had a line of that married real estate agent's coke that night. And I tell you what, it is much dirtier than any street I've ever walked down in Chinatown. So I'd say that this young lady's fears are quite unfounded. Yes, given the standard of recreational drugs getting around our real estate and advertising industries in Batuta.
And, of course, journalism. And journalism, of course.
More lower down the ranks towards Wendell on his level. That's where you'll see most of the drug abuse happening. Am I right, Wendell? Well, not so much cocaine as a kid at a regional newspaper.
That stuff's pretty expensive. He's whinging about his salary again. No, well, I have seen many occasions where Wendell has come in of a Monday morning still deep within a very unpleasant looking K hole. And he's trying to type with his closed fists on his little keyboard. And it's just, it's disgraceful and it's embarrassing sometimes.
Given that I've been handed my second section town, I'll ask for this to be edited out of the podcast, please. Oh, we'll see how we go.
Anyway, I would say the drugs that you and your cohort use, Wendell, are much dirtier than even the dirtiest street in Wuhan. So I guess you could say the Chinatown hysteria is pretty high.
And if you're not ordering bat soup, don't worry about it. On that note, that will probably wrap up the podcast for this week, I think. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. Until next week, stay safe, stay sanitized, and we'll talk to you again then. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Wednesday_8th_April | Starting off with some national news and the Prime Minister has refuted the claims that he's turning into a bit of a lefty by saying it's called Scocialism. Yes, Morrison fronted the media this morning to shut down any allegations suggesting that he might be drifting away from his usual Howard Thatcher, Reagan-esque style of politics. These allegations came after the PMs agreed to double the Newstart allowance, provide free childcare for all frontline workers and at-risk Australian families as well as announcing a raft of other social security type policies, all while working with the opposition to develop quick and compassionate resolutions to the issues faced by all citizens who are struggling in the face of these new social isolation measures. However he says he's not about to start pulling billies and listening to Rage Against the Machine like the newly converted Comrade Dutton, he's just going through a bit of a phase while all this coronavirus shit goes down.
Elsewhere around the country and there's good news for anyone chasing a cruise ship. After all the kerfuffle of the last few weeks an Illawarra used car yard is now selling cruise ships for $29.90 drive away. In prices surely never to be seen again, Steve from Crazy Steve's Discount Cars and also Cruise Ships reckons he's got the keys ready to go for whoever wants one. He told the Advocate via FaceTime today. Pestilience of the seas over there is on sale this weekend only.
You get all sorts of features, it seats 3,450 so it's great for a growing family. And there's plenty of room for the groceries and the cargo hold. Look if the kids get bored as well on the way to Grandma's house there's a six lane bowling alley and a 42 metre pool with two water slides. It's an absolute steal. I've got the keys right here, it's walking out the door. And there was a very insightful comment on that one from Pete Ripley who lives in Battuta Heights. He said, might have to do the old dealer's trick to get the virus and smell out of the thing. Simply quarter fill a Holden Hubcap, a metal one, with fuel and leave in the full sun for the day, windows up. Then next day fully ventilate, then three times vanilla magic trees, good as gold. Removes all smells from any previous misadventures. So take note if you're interested in getting one.
Revisiting the biggest story of yesterday now and the fallout continues after George Pell's release from prison. The majority of the Australian public has since accepted Pell's innocence and kindly urged him to head back to Italy ASAP. One spokesperson for the nation explained that it's really lovely over there this time of year and it could be the best place for him right now. However it's not yet known whether Pell will listen to the pleas of the country but given his history of ignoring the nation's best interests and allowing for the harbouring of paedophiles in the Catholic Church, there isn't a huge amount of hope he'll do the right thing. Now while the majority of the nation has urged Pell to duck off to Italy, that wasn't exactly the case in Ballarat. We broke an exclusive story from down there about the High Court's decision to overturn Pell's conviction unlikely to be recognised in Ballarat. For a variety of reasons, residents of the Victorian town recognise that it probably isn't a good idea for Pell to visit his hometown any time soon. For fear of the locals sentencing him to something much more severe than six years in a low security prison with parole before ultimately having his conviction quashed by a High Court made up of rich old silks.
And wrapping up with some news from our hometown now and there was a sad story published today about a bloke who loves kissing his mates on the lips after 10 schooners. Sad and those days are over. The bloke in question says it's just for now though and he'll hang tight until all this shit is over and when it does he'll be raring to go, which is a good attitude to have. Anyway that's all from us for today's News Bulletin, thanks for tuning in and we'll be back again tomorrow with your daily dose of honest, hard hitting regional news. Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey, stay safe and look after one another, goodbye. |
dropout | hardly_working_earpiece | Let me ask you, what do you look for in a girl? Wow, great question. What do I look for in a girl? What do I look for?
Wow, that's a tough one, Jeff. Uh, okay, sit tight. Don't panic. Okay, we got a code lightening here.
She asked what he looks for in a girl. What do you got? What does he look for in a girl? Got it. What was the question again? What do you look for in a girl? Right, right.
Still thinking. Jeez, I don't know.
Just tell him to be honest. Be honest. Okay, Jeff, all you have to do is be honest. Okay, just be honest.
Giant boobs! What? I look for a girl with giant boobs.
Wow, I appreciate your candor. Why are you being so honest? Another great question. Why am I being so honest? This is a worse trauma-rama that's not even that embarrassing. |
cracked | 4_disturbing_coming_of_age_movie_tropes_yboc_season_2_finale | If American entertainment is to be believed, the one thing I'll use one more than anything is probably the hot new Fall Out Boy album, entitled something like Teenagers Going Down on American Sugar or something, but they also really, really want to get conscripted into some sort of glorious magical war. I mean, think about it. Power Rangers is all about an endless intergalactic war with, quote, evil space aliens, and the main guy trying to stop them, Zordon, doesn't regrew Navy Seals or Green Brays or John He specifically wants teens with attitude, and also teens with recycled masturbation jokes that weren't really that funny when Kingpin did it in 1996.
We don't have a cow. We have a bull. I just milked her. Him. You just milked him.
But that's just the tip of the accelerated puberty iceberg. Every mystical mentor, from Axan Animorphs to Optimus Prime and Transformers to Dumbledore and Harry Potter to Professor Axan X-Men, makes teens a shockingly important part of their strategy to save all of existence. A massive surge of evil energy is overloading our sensors. Aye, aye, aye, aye. And it's a good thing they do, too, because how else would all these go-and-nowhere kids mature without first becoming literal child soldiers? It's at least a little weird that these teen-crazy old men slash robots slash mouthless centaurs are all considered the good guys, though, right? I mean, I thought we had mostly agreed as a society that children should not fight wars? Bad boy, bad boy. Slap my hand. At a certain point, you start to realize that sure, Rita is evil, but at least she's not send children to their possible deaths to fight your intergalactic war evil.
Her soldiers are all at least presumably old enough to buy a pack of cigarettes before, you know, getting their ass swapped by some 10th graders. Smells like teenagers.
What's weird is how this trope has ANIMORPHED over the years. I've come to love being in my human form. I don't know if you've noticed, but we're living through the gritty reboot century, and everything that was once happy and pleasant has been reborn as sad and shitty.
What does that mean? What did you say?
Obviously, we're still pretty committed to making child soldier movies like Hunger Games, Maze Runner, and endless other dystopian sci-fi adult series. But unlike 80s and 90s kids, children of the millennium are forced into service. Katniss still blossoms into a young woman as a direct result of literally impaling children, but we're not supposed to be happy about it. It seems as if 9-11 reminded us that life can be pretty dark, and I don't know, maybe being a child soldier would be kind of a bummer? I mean, not enough of a bummer to stop making movies about it, of course, because watching children snuff the life out of an alien or an adult wizard is gasoline for the box office dumpster fire, but at least it's bummer enough for somebody to pause halfway through, inserting the claymore inside some alien's anus and think, man, I wish I could just do normal kid things like skateboard and huff jank and have lost so much.
I don't want to forget. Before finishing the job and making a gore angel of the eviscerated alien's innards, man, I cannot believe it has been a year making this freaking show. It feels like YBOC's really come of age, you know? Even if maybe I haven't personally. You know, you're literally 30. Coming of age is a mindset, I mean, did you hear what I just said about exploding alien anuses? Touche.
Will I ever get to fight in an intergalactic alien war? I feel like I can't just volunteer, somebody has to conscript me to make it real. Yeah, that really is sad to think about, you never getting a chance to be a child soldier.
Thank you! I am always saying that!
Maybe you need to stop waiting for other people to make you a man, and get out there and do it yourself. Grab life by the horns.
Are you referring to driving a Dodge Ram? Yep, that's what I'm referring to, driving a Dodge Ram. How does your referring to driving a Dodge Ram help me become a man? Well my reference to driving a Dodge Ram is kind of just a segue to talk about another disturbing coming of age trope that movies use weirdly often.
Ah, a classic rhetoric technique. To which trope do you refer?
Unsupervised, underage road tripping. Ah yes, confidence in motion. Super. Right, well there are millions of movies where families will hit the open road, and they'll grow up a little bit because they're smuggling Grandpa's dead body in the trunk. But what is more useful for rapid growth is a couple of kids hitting the open road alone.
You are of course referring to films such as Wild Boys of the Road and Crossroads. I am, yes. But it's not just old movies. I'm also referring to newer movies like My Name is Emily and The Absolutely Fantastic Waves.
Oh yeah, right. It is pretty weird how much fallout she experiences when somebody close to her commits literal murder and yet she doesn't seem to fully become an adult until she goes on that unsupervised road trip with Sad Boy, Redhead Boy, Crying Boy, you know, what's his name, Boy? Lucas Hedges Boy. The boy contractually obligated to be in every single movie about sad youths from now until the end of time. Right, right. She meets his dying, estranged father and then sort of learns the value and the importance of family and forgiveness and then she even has sex for the first time. She quite literally comes of age. Yes, it does seem like Lucas Hedges Boy learns all the exact same things and then, you know, he also has the sex. And the implication seems to be that if parents were driving, they wouldn't have been able to mature quite as fully. Exactly.
Stand by me, the Goonies and Stranger Things have kids off on crazy unsupervised adventures but they're always within biking distance of their parents' homes. By hopping in a car and driving hundreds of miles away from any support system, kids are truly on their own. Nothing grows you up quick like joyriding in the car of an insane murderous cop like in cop car or driving cross country so your PTSD suffering friend can win a video game tournament and hopefully avoid being thrown into an insane asylum.
The Wizard is a perfect film. You have convinced me.
I'm gonna just grab some keys, get in the car without my mom for once and just hit the open road. See where my hormones take me. Hopefully to Taco Bell because I am absolutely famished for a Crunchwrap Supreme.
Ooh, sort of thinking of this as a solo thing. I mean, you're like 28, not exactly underage. What? I'm younger than you are. But this is sort of my bildungsroman.
I make the rules. I guess. Yeah. So, uh, later. Mom, I'm taking the car!
Hi, how are you? Good, how are you?
Why is it leaking?
My art. No, my art.
Well now what? I don't feel any more mature. Maybe it's not about the journey, it's about the destination, but how the heck am I going to come of age out here? There is one way. Oh, hey, Nega Jordan. If you want to transition from boy to man, might I recommend a sexual encounter with an adult?
Jesus. What? I didn't come up with this.
Blame Dustin Hoffman in the graduate, finally learning what he wants in life after sex with a hot mommy. Okay, but he was in college. At least if he wasn't emotionally mature, he was... physically. In Call Me By Your Name, Timothy Chateau's character is only 17. Tommy Hammer is supposed to be 24. And that cannibal tells Timothy how he himself became a grown-up through a weird man-on-boy sexual relationship, and how he's paying it forward and teaching Timothy all about his sexuality.
Like having sex with fruit. Exactly! Or look at Juno, where Elliot Page's character becomes literally pregnant, but it takes getting hit on by Jason Bateman for her to see the world as it really is. Yeah, I guess along those lines, you know, Tom Cruise becomes a man in risky business by pimping and sleeping with adult prostitutes, and yeah, I guess like any movie where a kid sleeps with a teacher, they're definitely like the most worldly of all their virgin friends. Don't forget about Rhonda, the literal man-maker, and how I met your mother.
Just trust me. Nothing grows you up faster than doing something extremely disgusting and extremely illegal. Do you want to be a man or not? I know you're the evil mirror image of me, but you're making a lot of sense. Hell yeah. Now get out there and find a consensual adult sexual partner.
I am never going to be a man, I'm never going to get trapped into a magical war, this stupid car trip did nothing, and now I'm too much of a coward to have to spend a wonderful evening with a vagrant. I am doomed to forever be a frickin' madchild.
Okay I have one last idea. God, where the hell did you come from? Well it's kind of my point, I'm always with you. What are you talking about?
There is one sad and weirdly common coming of age trip that you haven't considered yet. Is it eating an entire footlong hot dog in one bite? No, look, the whole point of coming of age stories in movies is that the more trauma you experience, the more you become a sad, world-weary adult, and there is nothing more traumatic than losing a best friend. Especially an animal best friend, like Old Yeller in Old Yeller or that secondhand lion in whatever that movie was called with Michael Caine. Dozens of movies go way out of their way to murder some poor kid's pet, destroy their innocence and grow them up quick. Where am I going to find a gently used lion or a dog with advanced rabies at this hour? It's not just animals. More creative movies will kill Riley's imaginary best friend in Inside Out or Vin Diesel in The Iron Giant. The important thing is to find a cheap and easy way to teach kids to stop screwing around with imaginary friends and have real substantive relationships with actual humans, apparently. Yeah, I guess that is like the premise behind Ted, right? Like if the teddy bear had died when Mark Wahlberg was 11, presumably he'd be living a much better, more mature and full life right now. It also doubles as encouragement for parents to strangle their kids puppy or whatever. It's for the best. That is dark. And still though, like where am I going to buy a space robot or where the heck am I going to find a circa 1930s elephant tramp who's not even real? Even if I could find them, it would take years for me to build up the necessary camaraderie such that their untimely deaths would propel me into adulthood.
Oh bud, you're not getting it. Whoa, what is happening? Jordan, I am your imaginary friend. What the hell are you talking about? What are you talking about?
You cut my head off like freaking eight months ago. Oh damn, you're right. I forgot about that. You've just been imagining me this whole time.
God, just grow up, Caleb. Somebody should call Tarantino. Do you have his number? How come the age is a mindset?
I mean, did you hear what I just said about exploding alien anuses? You seemed so real.
I wasn't. I'm not.
And now you need to let me go. Slip into death's sweet embrace. Jordan, let me make you a man. Yeah, totally. Goodbye, old friend. Yeah, man, see you. I actually do kind of feel more like a man.
You're under arrest. OK, but I didn't do anything. He disappeared on his own. You cut his head off and also you escaped prison.
Yeah, you're right, my bad. Hey, everybody, it's Caleb.
Thank you so much for watching this video. Right after we finished filming it, my wife and I moved to Austin, Texas, which is super exciting for us. Though we're not in Virginia anymore, and I won't be able to be involved in YVOC to the same extent, it has been an absolute honor and a privilege to work so closely with Jordan in relaunching the channel.
And I like to think that I'll always be a part of the cracked extended family. If you work in video production in Texas and you want to hang out or you just want to grab a beer or some Terry Blacks, please hit me up. My info is down below. And obviously, stick around. I'm really excited for all the awesome content that is coming out very soon. Cheers. |
cracked | 4_horrifyingly_sexy_mangas_starring_american_politicians_canonball | Being elected President of the United States has a number of inconvenient side effects. They don't warn you about it. Illuminati President School. Like how you legally can't take a leak without at least five Secret Service guys present. Or the fact that all your farts have to be recorded and logged into the Library of Congress.
Another one is that suddenly people in Japan will start making unhinged mongers and animes about you. And not all will be as flattering as the time some comic book artists turned 75 year old Ronald Reagan into a superhump. So let's talk about the bonkers. The embarrassing. The unbelievable bits of canon that would probably get you a one-way ticket to a government black site.
We're talking about the time President Trump bought a death note. President Bush's secret mahjong superpowers. And the manga that showed us President Obama's O-face. With apologies, this is cannonball. Americans like to think of our President as the most powerful person in the world.
So it's only fitting that they should occasionally travel into other worlds. And have incredible perplexing and sometimes quite sensual adventures. Adventures like.
Number four.
Obama, Hillary, and Japan's Prime Minister co-star in erotic manga. Barack Obama has had a ton of exciting comic book adventures. He fist-bumped Spider-Man, became an alternate dimension Superman, and shamelessly plagiarized Conan the Barbarian. He even starred in some sort of Japanese comic known as hentai?
That sounds like fun. Let me just type the title of the comic into my web browser. Safe search, off. And oh look, it's a call from the CIA. Hello? Ooh, a watch list. That sounds like fun. Okay, great. Talk to you later. Nice guys. Somebody call the Situation Room, because things are about to get hot. Anyway, yes.
Obama had his very own erotic manga. Or, to be more precise, he guest-starred in one about former Japanese Prime Minister, Taro Aso. In My Neighbor Taro, the Prime Minister is just chilling at home, when he's visited by his new neighbors, President Obama, Senator John McCain, and Obama's Secretary of State. Android 18 from Dragon Ball Z. Daddy.
But for some reason, everyone keeps calling her Hillary Clinton?
Pokemon go to the... The plot starts innocently enough.
The politicians are chit-chatting when Taro mentions how formidable he finds Mrs. Clinton, while Barry can't help but admire the Prime Minister's petite housemate. The story goes on to depict Obama graphically canoodling with the maid, while Taro seduces Anime Hillary. In a way that makes it clear this comic is squarely aimed at the subway groper demographic. It's not that sexy. The former First Lady is initially hesitant to join in on the depravity, but she inevitably Pokemon goes to the pole, yelling, It's been so long at the moment of climax. But she doesn't even get a moment's rest because that's when Obama insists on, let's say, switching running mates in the middle of the campaign. At one point in all the debauchery, Taro looks over at Obama and says, quote, With this, we're brothers in sex. It's a touching moment of true friendship and emotion that, unfortunately, we can't show you. Because 90% of the image is filled with exploding genitals.
As they part ways, Taro says to Obama that they should do this again sometime. To which Obama replies, quote, But Taro, won't you have to move before that?
No idea what that means, but it was probably hilarious in Japanese. I keep forgetting that you're an earthling now. By the way, this is the first time we see John McCain since the beginning of the comic, which means he spent the rest of the evening just standing there watching.
Years later, the same author behind this hentai made a sequel starring anime Hillary and an unfortunately far more realistically drawn Donald Trump. But we're not going to talk about that one because, quite frankly, it's beneath us. Just kidding, there's actually a much weirder Trump anime that we're giving its own entry. Number three, the official Donald Trump Death Note crossover. Death Note is full of bizarre and unlikely stuff, like a magic notebook that kills anyone whose name is written in it. Or a god of death from another dimension who keeps a strict apples-only diet. Or Home Alone 2 star Donald Trump being elected President of the United States.
It's true. Oh man. Okay, well, the point is, you wouldn't expect President Trump to show up in Death Note, a manga that ended in 2006. Back when the idea of this guy becoming president seemed about as insane as, well, the reality of this guy becoming president. True. But it's true.
Trump joined the Death Note universe in a special issue published in 2020.
It sounds every bit as batshit as our old favorite fan-fiction story, where Mello kept humping Tetris blocks. It only became much more vigorous in its efforts. Grinding against Mello in the most annoying way.
But it was written by Death Note's actual creators. In this new story, Ryuk, the Death God's love of apples, inspires him to come back to our dimension and give his Death Note to some other crazy kid, so that he'll feed him in return. Ryuk ends up giving the magical killing notebook to a high school student who decides to use it for something that's arguably even more irresponsible than murder.
He puts it up for auction on Twitter. And since Trump practically lived there before getting himself banned, he hears about the auction and offers $500 billion for the Death Note.
The comic only shows that part of the speech, so we have to assume this was preceded by 15 minutes of toilet banter and racism. Might as well say it. Nobody else is going to say it.
But Trump isn't the only nerd willing to shell out big bucks for some anime paraphernalia. Xi Jinping of China offers $1 trillion, so Trump ups it to $3 trillion. Their little bidding war ends with Trump buying the notebook for $10,000 trillion for world peace. That's like twice the regular defense budget on a normal year.
There's just one hitch. Ryuk's boss in the demon realm was appalled by the crass commercialization of his work, so he added a new rule. Any human who buys or sells a Death Note will die once the transaction is completed. In the end, the kid who sold the Death Note drops dead upon withdrawing some money, while Trump makes everyone think he has the book, but won't use it because he's just such a good guy. So I guess he gets the last laugh. All things considered, his time as a manga character went a lot better for him than that one time...
Number 2 Bush Sr. and Jr. play Mahjong. For the fate of mankind! The Legend of Koizumi is easily one of the best mangas about world politicians fighting each other via Mahjong, the traditional Japanese tile game that's sort of like Domino's, but more intense. And deadlier. President George W. Bush becomes the first villain in the series when he, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleezza Rice kidnap Japanese politician Taizo Sugimura. They strip him down to his undies in order to lure former Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi into a trap. A mahjong trap. It turns out, Bush is a shrewd mahjong player, whose special attacks include Patriot Sumo and Bush Doctrine Ricci. But Koizumi is even shrewder and switches the pieces by moving his hands faster than the Americans can see.
This allows him to set up his devastating rising sun finishing move. You son of a bitch! In the second issue, a humiliated W turns to his father, Papa Bush, a badass who can throw a mahjong table across the room with his bare hands and make his clothes evaporate just by flexing. Koizumi is only able to defeat Papa Bush's fearsome apocalypse now, Ron, by scraping the tiles with his rock-hard fingers to essentially erase them. By the way, Papa Bush has the supreme honor of being ranked as the 14,183rd best anime husbando ever, which proves that sometimes doing no research whatsoever is the correct amount of research.
The stakes in this nutty mahjong comic increase suddenly and dramatically when Adolf Hitler reveals he's been living on the moon with an army of space Nazis. He threatens to destroy the Earth with a giant laser, unless someone can defeat his mahjong squad. Koizumi is forced to team up with his former rivals, Papa Bush, Pope Benedict, and Vladimir Putin to face Hitler's team. Yeah, Japan is against the Nazis this time.
Better late than never. Bush Jr. is there too, but his only role is serving as comic relief and being a major disappointment to his dad. But that all changes when Papa Bush sacrifices himself in the middle of a match to save his foolish, incompetent, but still beloved son.
The emotional gut punch causes W to power up like a super saiyan, evolve into his final form of true Papa Bush, and unleash his mighty three strikes and you're out, Ron! Mahjong aficionados will know. That's a move so devastating it causes the other player to explode on the spot. But then W loses the match anyway.
Maybe Papa should have brought Jeb instead? Please clap.
Anyway, Koizumi later defeats space Hitler by summoning the spirits of Stalin, Roosevelt, and Churchill. And the story just continues getting exponentially crazier until the hero ends up playing against an undead, mountain-sized mahjong. That's pretty weird, but you know what's even weirder?
Golgo XIII is a long-running manga series about a professional killer who's basically like the Punisher if he got laid. Since 1968, Golgo has been killing men and pleasuring women with the exact same facial expression in mangas, anime movies, live-action movies, and even NES games.
He's rubbed elbows with all sorts of historical figures. He took a job from Nelson Mandela, he had a front-row seat to Princess Diana's death, and he personally murdered Al Gore. Chances to be president.
Man-Bear Pig is real!
See, in a story set in the year 2000, Golgo is hired by a retired White House gardener who refuses to shake Bill Clinton's hand because he knows exactly where those hands have been. While working up in the trees outside the White House, the gardener witnessed such depraved acts that they broke his brain and convinced him that Bill Clinton's buddy, Al Gore, should not be the next president. Now don't worry, we don't actually see any depraved acts from notorious sexpot Al Gore in this manga. Well, this calls for a celebration. So when the Clinton-hating gardener learned that the election might come down to a stack of 200 votes being recounted in Florida, he hired Golgo to shoot those votes through a small air vent with a sniper rifle, thereby making them uncountable. And that's why George W. Bush won the 2000 election. Because, unlike Golgo, Bill Clinton never learned to close the curtain when having illicit sex.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. If we want a president who really knows how to fuck, we need to elect a weeb. Speaking of, we noticed your old one was getting a little worn out.
Oh. One second. Hey, it's the CIA again. Hello?
Ooh, an indefinite stay? On a clandestine island?
Count me in. Okay, well, I'll see you soon. Bye-bye. Well, I'd better go pack.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Jump in the comments and let me know what I should do on my government-sponsored vacation. |
dropout | catan_with_john_lutz | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff here with Pat and John Lutz from 30 Rock. Today we are playing Settlers of Catan on the Microsoft Surface. This is a popular German board game, it's big in America now, and now it was ported over to the Microsoft Surface Tabletop Computing Platform by Vectr4.
So take this as mine if I'm blue. Yeah, I think so. And then this one's Pat's. This one's mine. So the board's already all set up for us, it's immediate. This does it automatically, and then you can just get right to drinking. I'll go...
See, now we've all put in our settlements, it actually just tabulates based on the settlements who would have won the game and we could all go home. So even though dice just produce random numbers and it could just tell us what they rolled, they thought to include real dice, it's hard to see the numbers, but they're on there. And when you roll them, the computer knows what you rolled and just distributes the cards automatically. I think this game, this is really fun, but I think it might be defected because I'm like not getting any amount of clay that I need.
Does anyone have a sheep for a wheat? I'll take that. All right. So... Whoa, big deal here. We haven't done this yet. First trade. Yeah, okay. So I got a wheat. First trade. I'm going to just give it to you. But without even asking to see the sheep. I know. That's what I'm saying. Do you have the sheep? Yes. There's no escrow account to put the cards into. You got to drag it into each other's thing one at a time. So now you drag a sheep over to me. What sheep?
So to simulate a private hand of cards that only you can see, they have these visors. And when you slide them over your cards, you and only you can see exactly what you have. What if, like, behind your visor, no one can see it, you move it, and it's just like, I will let you win if you do the following steps, kill your friends.
I know we talked about this before, but what's your Catan history? We started playing Catan. Jason Sudeikis was the one who kind of found it, or was the first one to have one.
So we would go over to his place and play Scotch and Settlers, which was basically play settlers and then drink Scotch. No, no, I got it. We didn't have Scotchmen come over. But it was, you know, everybody would bring a bottle of Scotch, and then by the time you got halfway through the game, you'd probably pretty stewed. The box of this game should be like game time, 60 to 90 minutes, then like in parentheses like drunk, 90 to 120 minutes. Is this Scotch proof? If we were to spill some Scotch on this, or any liquid, the Scotch is the most likely one.
We can spill anything on here. I get to move the robber. Now, do you guys play, like, at the beginning of the game, kind of gentlemen's rules? Great question. Yeah. We've had a lot of debates about it. I'm going to do the gentlemen's rule and do that.
On online, I played with other people for the first time. And I didn't do that, I just went for it right away because I was used to playing the video, the computer, and I... Huge online content. Oh my God, people were so angry at me.
That was probably something. Yeah, was that? Thank you. Oh my God. Have you played online content? Yeah. Wow, rolling a seven still with the resources. You weren't kidding.
You play a port game. I'm all port. You've got the three to one port.
I think it's season two with the wire over here. I've been talking a lot about wood and playing with sheep. Oh my God. I touched something. I touched it. It's back.
Sheeper puppet commodity. There's going to be a sheep crash. Everyone want some clay? Finest clay in the land.
I've used it to build growth myself. I may feel sturdy. Do you have like a personal Catan glory moment that comes to mind? It actually was an online one where all of a sudden I had two ports that were like two to one, and I also had right next to them those two ports but they had cities on them. It was the fastest game I've ever played. Wow. I was actually playing against an Acus and I beat his ass.
I thought I would miss this tactileness of it, but this guy is kind of fun too. The dice and the visors really make a difference. Like if this was just a big iPad, we couldn't get accessories over it. The tactile feel. I like those and I like this. I like this. It's like a secret strain.
Bummer. Oh my God. Put it into your garbage sack.
It feels so good for something bad to happen to you right now. It feels so good. It's as if I did something good. That's what I feel. I just didn't need the port anymore. I was trying to help you. I can't explain why it is, but I'm taking such delight in your misery.
That's how you know it's a good game. The wheel turns however slowly. |
SaturdayNightLive | mona_lisa_falls_for_museum_guard_saturday_night_live | Hello, darling. where were you last night? Oh, come on, Mona. let's not talk about it, Ok? can we try it again? it's not going to work. just one more time. Ok, for you, anything. Oh, it's no use. you'll never get me out of this picture. Cheer me up, Eduardo. I can't. I'm just so exhausted. All right. Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, man, oh, gee, it's just face facts. You know, this relationship's just not going anywhere. that's because you never take me out of here. I'm sick of being cooped up in this stupid frame. Oh, you're tense again, aren't you? is it your back, your neck?
Yes. thank you, darling. You know, I've been talking to Madonna with Child over there. I want a baby. a baby? Come on, Mona, you're living in a dream world, you know? we're not meant for each other. it's over. over? you can't break up with me. I'm a masterpiece. hey, you're a fox, all right, but I just can't figure you out. you need some poop. that's what people love about me.
I know what it is. it's my legs. You wish I had legs, don't you?
No. it's not that. it's just that I'm seeing somebody else. a younger woman? 19th century. legs? Well, it's one of Renoir's nudes. I mean, I met her at a Degas dance. Renoir, how can you, those sluts? little tiny brush strokes, no depth at all. there are fakes, everyone! don't be so judgmental. it's just that they're liberated, and you're not.
I mean, you're so old-fashioned. you've been sitting in the same old place all these times. would you two bite down? some of us here would like to sleep. Well, who's that? that's a beast, Let us matter. Drop dead, you old pruner, and I'll knock you off your rocker. Well, Mona, it's time for me to get going.
But I want you to know that I've always loved you, and I'll always love you. And I know how you're complaining about never having any new clothes to wear, So I got something. especially for you, it's just to show you how much I care. I want you to have this. everybody's wearing them. Thank you, Eduardo. I wanted to look like all those nincompoops who are looking at me.
Well, this is goodbye. I mean, someone new will come along. I mean, men come from all over the world just to see you. |
TheOnion | Sex_Climax_Sex_House_Ep_9 | Previously on Sex House What's the situation with Sex House? Our sponsors dropped. The cast are all duds. They won't cooperate, won't respond to threats. I refuse to think about this anymore. Shut down Sex House.
Fine. Salvage something and put it up on the web. We can always make people watch re-roll from terrible gum or something. Great. That's our plan.
Six sexy Americans. Alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House.
We were abandoned by the network. It has been twelve crisps since they left us.
But we've built a life here. Everyone plays a role and no one dramas about their duties. We work hard, but the days are calm. Work is its own reward.
Derek got sick and hasn't been getting better. Alex has been taking care of him, but nothing happens to work. He's just wasting away.
My name is Derek. My parents are... Tell them how much I love them. I fed Derek his barley ration and now I'm on mold abatement duty for the upper ducks. Hello ladies.
Welcome to your new home where you can live with dignity. We've made a life here. Camera crews made a life here. We do not speak to them nor they to us.
It is a tenuous piece. I'm almost finished with this blanket for baby Danny Vollmer. Wonderful. I'm worried about this rationing. Me too.
I think we need to eat those frogs. Tara will be very upset. She loves those frogs very much. She will most certainly drama.
Let me bring it to house council. I'm not a monster, but none of us have had protein since Chris' fourth. Why do you think we're retaining all this fluid? Little D.V. has never urinated. Today's sexy challenge is to do 75 jumping jacks to boost our vitamin D levels so that we don't get rickets. One, two, three, four, five.
As chief barley horticulturist, this has been a hard time. The crop was struck with root blight during Chris' solstice and now we're running low. But as we say here, a light harvest makes you appreciate what little you have all the more. Jay, Derek needs more barley. We can't sacrifice anymore. The blight is spread.
If we're gonna save Derek, we have to talk to Tara about the frogs. I'll feed you whether you have sex or not, my lovelies. That's probably real love. When I heard the call to house counsel, I knew something was up. We have called this meeting to discuss eating the frog. We can't! Derek is going to die if we don't do something, Tara. Those frogs trust us. They didn't ask to be brought to the sex house! My baby needs protein.
Then how are we any better than... Tara. You, Frank? Well, I want no part of this.
It is decided in house counsel we shall eat the frogs. We'll keep some of the frogs so that they can breed and then we'll eat those frogs. I don't know much about amphibian husbandry but I'll learn.
Does anyone want to say something? Thank you, frogs. You are making the ultimate sacrifice. You are true heroes.
No! No, we can't! Tara! There we are, ready to eat some frogs when suddenly out comes Tara. Tara, stop! We're not monsters, we're people!
On the count of three. One. Two.
No! We should put it back up. The mold should seal it up. I'll get some banana paste. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_25_the_grade_cricketer | Hello there I'm Clancy Overall and thank you for joining us today for our chat with some very humorous individuals. Yes Clancy they are very very funny. We're welcoming the great cricketer podcast onto the show. They're arguably the greatest thing to happen to cricket writing since Wisden in my opinion. They're just three average blokes with sporting abilities to match. Similar to us eh Clancy?
Well you can speak for yourself Errol. If I hadn't blown my shoulder out in Colts there was chat about me going down for a trial at Redcliffe. That is in the Q cup of course. Yeah I think you'd be the biggest thing to come out of Redcliffe since the BG's I should say. Oh Petro yes yes.
Yeah what could have been hey. I'm sure you were destined for great things but lucky you were a sixth generation media man and they already had a role for you lined up as soon as your shoulder did indeed blow out. Anyway the great cricketer do a lot of stuff around the idea of what could have been and about never truly being comfortable with letting go of your dreams.
Yes they have a highly successful podcast and a very active social media presence that seems to resonate with a lot of people from Australia to England to India anywhere where there is great cricket. Well all three of them have just poured themselves in through the door and they're sitting in front of us right now. Here we are with three of the biggest dribblers in Australian sport arguably. Australian sport commentary. They've never played at lofty heights required for most people to get a job in sports commentary but they do have some good insights and they've become authorities to the point of you know getting a bit of international attention and they're now an international brand.
The great cricketer thanks for joining us today. Absolute pleasure to be here thanks for having us.
I played second grade. Yeah I played twos mostly. I actually played at lofty heights once.
It's a club field yeah. West Pimble.
Yeah he is the same joke.
Good areas early for us. So just for our listeners in the Diamantina could you just identify your voices for us just quickly.
Now we want to talk to you guys about this amazing podcast. You've created and this amazing brand you've created. And similar to the Petuta Advocate you've released a couple successful books off the back of the conversations you're having about probably the lesser seen contributors to the great game of cricket. How did it start? Was it a group chat? Was it a meme page that you repurposed to monetize?
It was like I think between us there's about 30 years of like grizzled grade cricket experience and like grade cricket is the most unforgiving environment to be playing cricket in and so many people do it. And like so many there are so many adults there who are chasing dreams that died like 10 to 15 years before that. But yet they continue to do it because as we say it's all they've ever known and they have deep seated fear of change.
And that was exactly us. And so we just decided to discuss that and it seemed to resonate with a lot of people just the real grim bleak darkness of cricket. Well we did see a lot of that at the start of the year. I think that most of the nation was hurting after our boys were ousted as the cheaters as opposed to the poms or the Pakistanis or the Indians or indeed the West Indies who are prolific tampers of the ball in my own learned opinion. But yeah. Do you think that the reason why the nation was so hurt is because it's so ingrained in our psyche that always it seems that comes up from the grades. Yes.
I mean you can't play test cricket for Australia without having played great cricket. I think that's one of the reasons that we are able to resonate all the way from the lowest most ridiculously park cricketers all the way up to the top is because there is this system ingrained in the way that you play amateur cricket. You have to play school cricket, park cricket, grade cricket.
It's unavoidable that you go through that system and that is really where you learn how to be a man. That's the first time I learned how to be a man was when I played against men in cricket. My dad told me nothing about how to be a man. But that's where I really learned.
You were playing with him so it was good. Yes.
So do you think that's why cricket has this egalitarian kind of feel about it in the country? I mean aside from the fact that it is the one code of winter that pretty much has everyone invested unlike the football codes. Do you think that pathway that includes grade cricket is why it is such a relatable sport and it's why these big news stories that come out of cricket rock everyone whether it is from a player passing away or a commentator passing away to a well respected team being found as cheaters. Did you feel like that because you don't get that with the Wallabies. You get kids that will start playing for the Wallabies at 17 now without having to earn their stripes in the park. Cricket is the most of the world game. Cricket played across the world. Australia has the most cultural sort of background to the sport. For instance you go down to the beach and you're playing cricket on the beach in summer whereas in the UK if you can find beach which obviously you can't but if you're on the pebbles there they're having a game of football. I think everyone has played cricket even if they haven't played cricket. If you've had a Sunday afternoon a glass of rose with your missus she might roll the arm over in which case you will dispatch her to all parts and score an unbeaten 153-0. Everyone understands the fundamental aspects of a very confusing game which doesn't have rules it has laws. It's very up itself and it has origins in the UK obviously but Australia has really adopted the game as the cultural centrepiece of world cricket.
When it was revealed that they had systematically organised prior to the game to cheat it shocked us. But did it? In saying that there was an elephant in the room and we had Mike Whitney up here on the show and that elephant was the question over whether he had tampered a ball and if Alan Border had come to him and said alright Curly I need you to make this thing turn around corners would you do it? And he said the rule on every cricket pitch around the world is that captain is judge, jury, executioner, emperor no matter how you say it he's in charge. I know that a lot of us except for Clancy have got the hand eye of a stoned panda. We've all played God's game and I will throw my hand up now and say I have tampered balls into next Tuesday. Have you boys ever gotten around the dark art of reverse swing? Well yeah.
We've all tampered with the ball I mean I was a bowler it was the only way I could get it to move you could be putting it in your freezer for a week between day 1 and 2 you could be buffering it your job, you're a tradie you might as well spend the whole week shining it up on the buffing machine there are many ways that you can tamper with the ball but it's just part of Australian cricket isn't it? I think it's also like a right of passage in Australian cricket as well I think you'd be viewed with suspicion if you didn't know how to tamper a ball so I think when the allegations kind of came to light and it all was sort of revealed that an 18 grade cricket would have been surprised at all in fact I think the scariest thing is that it's almost like a badge of honour so it'll be interesting to see what happens out of this culture review because I think a lot of people the main problem people have with the ball tampering when it happened I was in England for example and I texted someone who played international cricket he wouldn't know my name at all but I'd call him a friend and I said exactly I said what do you think? but also he said that is the dumbest piece of ball tampering I've ever seen in my life and I said does it happen all the time? he said I think ball tampering would have happened in every single first class game I've been involved with so yeah it's more about being good at ball tampering because it's a right of passage well I know now that you're talking about Damien Fleming laughter it's funny because Pezza's completely right when he says that every single person who's ever played cricket in Australia knows how to tamper the ball but what's funny is that no one really knows how to swing the ball in the first place so like you're tampering it but you don't actually know what works and what doesn't so like I told the story in our podcast before but like I played with a captain who used to put the brand new ball in a freezer overnight as Edo suggested and it did absolutely nothing it just made the ball harder on flatter pitches and we chased unsuccessfully 500 runs a lot that year and it was very painful guys like pick the seam, sunscreen lip balm, rub it on concrete no one actually knows how to fucking swing the thing but we're all just like affecting the ball because it makes you look cool most part isn't it, it's like this is the next thing I do before I bowl this but it does make what we saw seem all the more stranger because of course he was caught with that small piece of sandpaper which we asked Mike what that would achieve and he said Errol it would achieve fuck all I tend to agree with him I just want to try and unpack kind of what happened on that field you know it's out in the media now that Davey was the ring leader and poor Cam was just the Lee Harvey Oswald of the wrong place one time I'll move on but do you think the punishments were fair in the roles that each of these three players played in their own demise? Well like first of all they're completely disproportionate to every other punishment I mean that's a serious answer I mean recently like the Sri Lankan guys were caught tampering and I think their board decided to find them for a game or was there a match fee? So you know different countries have different rules of what I think I'm saying for mine I think it really split I think because in grey cricket everyone's done it so it's kind of like the punishment doesn't fit the crime but then you talk to journalists who travel around with a team and stuff and they were just appalled by it and it was like a representation of the Australian It was the immediate reaction of it like the way it just happened in real time it was captured on social you guys know social you've heard of social and it just reverberated around the world in real time reactions were just happening and hot takes were given and you know I checked my phone I think it was about six hours after it happened and I just felt like I'd missed the biggest story in cricket ever and I had there was like a massive moral panic over it and everyone wanted to weigh in I was in London at the time and although we have achieved almost no notoriety in England at all I was receiving texts from BBC producers saying can you please come on this show so we can have an Australian to be used as a human pinata to essentially just make sure that we feel morally superior over you like why did you guys cheat? Why do you do it? and over there it was just the most incredible story like that garnered more attention than like any sporting success they've had since I was over there front pace for like two weeks and I was happy to contribute to the outrage industry it was great for us we benefited massively from it England's had 66 World Cup, 2005 Ashes and 2018 Cape Town that's what they are for also the thing is you've got to look at the 24 hour news cycle and we've said it before there's not many stories that has everyone engaged and we saw it in how our stories flew at that time prior to that you probably had Barnaby Joyce was probably like he was the outrage pinata from the citizenship scandal to the baby everyone was invested in that and everyone had a take on that even you get to those layers of intersectional like politics about why this happened I'm sure toxic masculinity was thrown around a few times for the ball tampering but it was an outrage machine and the board was actually quite cowardly I feel like kind of appeasing that because you know when people get done with diet tablets and that kind of stuff it was almost the same punishment or less and we've seen you know we do feel like that might have been a bit of a blow up further more do you feel like Errol just asked do you feel like the punishments fit the crime do you think the actual apologies fit the crime as well that's the next thing like Steve Smith everyone embraced those tears they were crocodile tears that was the general consensus I mean there has to be elements and binary outcomes and someone is the hero, someone emerges the villain and someone is the patsy we have to divide people into segmentations there's no grey area in cricket and that goes for all levels did Bancroft apologise? I can't even remember I don't even remember he did one with I think he did one with Jael over there in Perth and he was like I'll take this and I'll so Jael was there kind of arm around him, elder father so you didn't do anything wrong here mate he just did what Steve said the problem is there's just all these mixed messages when it comes to the ball tampering so like on the one hand there are these unprecedented sanctions against these players that aren't repeated anywhere else around the world but then on the other hand the same administrative body and you know we're trying to do work with Cricket Australia so I apologise in advance but they're like they had a marketing campaign called Beat England you know beforehand like they actually trade off the kind of aggression and they're playing at the hard edge of the game that copyright has certainly earned their keep that date high this is my vision you know billboards all over the country saying Beat England they sacked Lehman as a result of it but then Lehman is now into a job where he's coaching the junior sides he's on the quarry radio as well talking about cricket yeah I mean it's yeah it's interesting and it'll be very interesting to see how this you know upcoming summer goes maybe it was we say this about rugby league a lot maybe it was just long winded marketing campaign yeah well I suppose that ball tampering though really is like quite covert it's kind of like being in the prison yard where you know you have to make do with the tools that you find you know how you've got the where you've got like you've got the South African captain using the zipper on his pants that's pretty clever and you've got other players in the past you know they're hiding some cough things in their mouth I think having a small patch of sandpaper is like trying to break out of that prison yard with a samurai sword you know you've got people up on the roof with guns who are out there to get you you know like it's very overt but not necessarily effective do you think they thought about that? like did they think about that there are cameras perched at the top of the stadium you know there's a 24 hour security I think that's why people were so pissed off is because they actually broke the rules of ball tampering itself in prison there should have been someone the moment that ball was scratched he put his hand out the back and someone walks past and picks up the paper a bit like after someone's been knocked in prison there should have been no paper in the first one in terms of like a marketing campaign though I think like the redemption story that Steve Smith is going to have when he comes back it's going to be like when Tiger Woods wins his 15th major he just came second to the PGA and you look at the crowds and no one's watching Brooks Koepka they're all watching Tiger finish second I think it's going to be the greatest moment in sports history when Tiger Woods hard done by Tiger Woods wins his 15th and just like Steve Smith when he scores that 100 the first test match back in singles and he'll just go no fours, all ones that's all he's doing right now and his eyes will just be blazing he'll run down and he'll be draping UNICEF stickers everywhere and he'll be charging down the wicket UNICEF stickers I hope he doesn't do it at the Gabba because out of anywhere where he can score a 100 in this country I think that's a bit unremarkable to score at the Gabba it'll be the wrong place like if it was hard fought against two spinners at Sydney on the last day just reverse even better, home game home, FCG, friends and family the whole country, the eyes of the nation watching him score his first 100 after being sold down the river by a crooked teammate and then Bill Laurie dies of excitement and that's the end of cricket and that's the marching campaign and that's the day that Channel 9 officially died they just turned the lights off at the Gabba now another thing and I'm sure we will get back to the ball tampering throughout this conversation I want to talk about Australia's NBA big bash cricket it's exciting it brings out the best fans with short attention spans and players with a bit of steam and very short attention spans arguably I think there should have been a lot more community engagement when naming these teams that's a two edge sword because the Brisbane community were given the opportunity to name the Broncos and it was between the Brumbies and the Broncos before the Brumbies existed in the rugby was that like an internet poll or was that like a cancel? and they chose the Broncos because they thought that was cool and American, so maybe that isn't a good idea maybe you guys need to be engaged and it's half owned by News Corp which is an American company you can do the math it was sponsored by a brewing company that didn't have a beer yet and they essentially ran on with it what I'm getting at is we've thrown around the idea of some more localised mascots for these teams the ones that we've got have already been done renegades, all these vague words, heat they've all been relatable emotions the Perth sadness pretty great the Perth vengeance we love to talk about new teams in this comp, because it's explosive the wickets light up Chris girls, Perth girls LED lights mean everything I'd actually like to think the border rope should light up too as long as everything is internet enabled I'm happy what would be some other good teams and what would be good names for them? well first of all, the Sydney 6's I know the Sydney 6's are a team that exists Sydney's really divided by Thunder and 6's and Thunder is the Western Suburbs team and 6's is the rest and it really just needs to be Sydney Elites and Sydney Scrappers yep, Scrappers, the Sydney Scrappers perfect the owners and renters the Sydney negative gear the blonde bricks the red bricks Darwin, let's talk about it what would they be called, the Darwin indifference I've never been there before they realistically should be Darwin tropics I always get anxious when I get a new place so maybe the Darwin anxiety just using emotions more emotions, I like it, there's a theme there the Darwin sweat patches I just think zoo I just think the Darwin zoo that's an actual place that's the Hunt Grand put it on couple of lean animals what are your thoughts on the BBL in general as a great cricketer what do you think of it, do you feel like it is perverting the game it gives great cricketers greater access to play professional cricket because there are more teams and there are a lot of guys we're scraping the toast we've played with a number of guys who are now on fledgling BBL contracts and wearing that kit all around town so it does bring the great prism a little closer to the profession I think all great cricketers particularly if you're a recently retired great cricketer we like to look at the game currently and say I could have played that or I could have played against that guy and the more known names there are in the BBL, there actually are we can just say to our girlfriends or partners I could have done that even though BBL cricket is really hard to play and there's no way it would have been any good at 2020 cricket at all I would have excelled in this format I never had a go at BBL gives the opportunity for players to look sponsored so when we say that the opportunity to look like a corporation has attached themselves to you as a brand is ideal whereas fringe professional cricketers like the guys who are basically giving throw downs or doing hamstring stretches to the actual players those guys can earn an extra $14 a game so they can buy a better all matching kit so it looks like you're sponsored and it gives these fringe players the opportunity to get maybe 8 to 10 thousand Twitter followers just to boost their own personal socials the BBL basically isn't for it isn't for people who like cricket it's for people who don't like it yet that's why there's R&B playing when there's a 4 hit and there's fireworks going off well that was the first real experiment that cricket had moving away from channel 9 for donkey's ears and now we've seen a complete departure of cricket from channel 9 moving on to channel 7 what do you think the future holds this is a brave new era for cricket the game that we grew up with we always had the same faces we always had the same voices and now that's all gone I think there's going to be a generation of kids that aren't going to have that element of nostalgia do you think that channel 7 is going to try to foster that or forge their own path I'm extremely scared that it's just going to be exactly the same as channel 9 as a classic Australian conservatism just rears its head once the cricket comes into play it's going to be channel 7 just looking exactly cookie cutter like channel 9 have us on the show you been watching my kitchen rules punner? could have integrated that as well we can only hope when they used to make Richie plug the block late channel 9 was grim when did you know the end was coming when Richie had to say I'm looking forward to watching the match this is a limited edition that was signed by who was it again? Richard G Queen and Mr. Cricket, David Hussey signed by David Hussey he signed 399 of them get yours now for 169 Jesus Christ that's a lot of money I can remember him saying Shannon, Noel released a how's that single Richie lying to us saying oh it's a lovely single I bought it for my wife I don't even have a mortgage I don't know why Dave said before that we're all scared of change just as Australian men and just men in general and Pez is right whilst they've got new ex-players they are still ex-players who are going to tell new old stories and so I also feel it's going to be exactly the same but it's going to be the same with different people it's a fantastic chance for them to differentiate because it's not just seven who have the rights Fox have the rights too so you've got two broadcasters essentially with the same content how do they make that different and a lot of people who can't afford Foxtel missing half the matches exactly so if you could choose your bad boy team commentary team because we've seen the bad boy model works it worked for the Miami Dolphins it could have worked for the Canberra Raiders if they'd kept every player over the last decade they would have had everyone Durbin, Carney, Ferguson let them all go I mean he should have gone but if they'd kept them all and I think that's the new model if you could get every unrefined ex-player to choose from who would you have on it? I'd kick off with some obvious ones I'd want Simons on so basically I want people on who are just going to shit can the really clean successful players so I want Simons on both of whom are discussing the same player but then I want a really overly intellectual bent so I'd bring on Tim May and Stuart McGill at the same time you'd love to see the world burned I've got to answer this too quickly we've already pared them up highly intellectual any other names there? any other names there? any other names there? what's Kasperitz doing? that's just a general question no he's too side of the earth for a bad boy team Scott Muller I think because he was so done by Channel 9 with the whole can't bowl can't throw scandal I haven't even heard of him since but I think a great way to bring him back into the fold would be to just give him the mic what happened that day? were you stitched up by Warnie? did you even know Warnie? what's Warnie's number? can I have it? although under the Channel 9 model that's an offer that we can extend to overseas players I'd like to trade out the likes of Kevin Peterson and Freddie Flintoff I'd like to get in some characters with a bit more flavour I'd like to get in actor maybe? yeah he just got married yeah Arrange marriage I actually did, I saw him on Instagram handsome actor is what they called him Prince of Peshawar Cosgrove no it is interesting to Ambrose I want the shackles released there are certain players that are currently commentators where you just think we are not getting the best of you in any way Mark Taylor would have skeletons there's skeletons everywhere they just need their producers to release the shackles or Billy Bowden, how about having him in the box? yeah if you want conflict, surely you get Andrew Simons and Harbhajan Singh together just a bit of toupee and Michael Clark here's a session and a half, and tea see what comes up let's delve into some deep insecurities see what you've got to say to each other speaking of dramas you said you want to warn his number and we'd love to warn you on the show ourselves he followed us briefly on Instagram and then stopped following us around the time cricket he just wanted to get his follow count we want to know we discussed this earlier in the year and a podcast is actually quite controversial with Sydney musician Joyride about warning so bar any kind of scandalous behaviour that would affect others which we see in the football and codes what could warning do that would bring him down we don't know, like we were saying you'd need the cops to shoot him warning would survive a bubbler he would have to go mad down there in Melbourne and the cops would have to shoot him he's like Trump, he would survive collusion with Russia there's nothing that he can't do I wonder if it's like an OJ moment imagine Warnie just going down in the white Bronco just heading down Fitzroy in a white Bronco at a snail's pace but then the bloke's just going oh I quit the ball though he'd be going down there in the lime green Porsche what hasn't he done he's done drugs, he's done affairs what other things has he done lots of texting he's got a new face now he's got an Instagram account, that's controversial when he had a response Fake News tried to get into him about the foundation they shut that down and Hair Loss and he's gone through the great Australian a rite of passage for most people in sport is to have an English girlfriend and he's gone through that as well on the Hair Loss thing, a lot of cricketers have gotten to Hair Loss products not quite sure what it is about that anxiety and insecurity of cricketers but you've got Warn, you've got Vorn Ricky Rickonink's never admitted it no just grew back one day we were saying this the other day Lebron James most well paid athlete in the world spends 3 million dollars on his body stem cells, training, or money well spent like that's in the same way as stem cells and saunas with a big dog he has balding hair he has tried to get a little bit of that and eventually given up so it just goes to show it doesn't matter how much money you have in this world Lebron James can't stop it I wonder why everyone thinks they can still pay someone to I think there's a point in wealth that you get to where your hair no longer becomes an issue he hasn't got there why is Lebron James trying to hit this number if you have height and a great rig like he does the hair doesn't become as important but if you don't have height nor a great rig speaking from experience the hair is a real problem and also he doesn't want to do that 90s comb over that Tupac Shakur Michael Jordan because he'll be compared to Michael Jordan he could colour in though because Carlos Buza in the NBA he could colour in with a texta it's sweaty and it just went all over his face early calves Lebron every year would go a little bit higher up his forehead Wayne Rooney is another one he's gone bald 6 times his hair has grown back maybe that's just horn bones or saunas we'll swerve that we've already written about that Darren's looking good that's the rule what else is happening guys is it true you sold more great cricketer books than Clark sold autobiographies give us the numbers we're lead to believe that we don't have the numbers in front of us and Smith people wanted to hear more from us than they did Australian test captains for some reason some of the stories are largely interchangeable they're both from that great cricketing heartland of south west Sydney down there you've got the War Brothers from Bankstown you've got Clarky and you've got Steve Smith now so I dare say that all of their autobiographies would largely be the same I started playing when I was 10 and I just didn't stop scoring runs my old man was in the game giving me throws after dusk weary tyre skew emotionally distant you can't play Pokemon until you score 40 in front of Square I never had to focus on any other part of my life because I knew I was going to play for Australia when I was 12 I'm essentially a tennis player that's what it is they're almost single sport athletes the way they're brought up then they're forced to play in a team that's one of the great things about sport a good day for you is a great day for you it doesn't matter if you win or lose we joke about the best thing you can do in cricket is to score 100 in a losing side because 1. proves that you're a good player and 2. you get to have that superiority going to the dressing room well I fucking did my bit now can you tell us on the punter level how do you feel these recent scandals have affected the spirit of the park the great cricketer I think if anything it's spurred them on it's like now I know that if I get caught hammering the ball overtly everyone wants to talk about the fucking kids they look up to you they look up to you they don't give a shit next year they won't even remember it but it's the grade level where there's a lot of people that might have met Bancroft and they're going to meet later this summer when he's playing grade cricket it's actually those worlds that are going to combine that want to be at those grounds because I think there's going to be a lot of good chat I hope he bats in his Australian helmet that's a bit like going down to an inter-regional trial under 16's rep jersey at 30 with a few beers yeah I used to be good I don't think it's really touched the ACLs I don't think it's really touched the psyche at all because I think for the most part because grade cricketers as you said before they've all done it and so they're kind of defending I think the defensive corner for Warner Smith and Bancroft has come from grade cricketers from people who maybe haven't played and those people are probably right yeah I don't know I was actually blown away by Mia Friedman's take on the whole thing over here is my bible yeah yeah the grade cricketer lobby is a small but powerful lobby I think when these guys come back and play grade cricket they're going to be lauded rightly or wrongly but that's the truth of it it'll be more like grade cricketers wanting to sidle up to them on their own version of the dark arts of the game so I think they're going to get a lot of support it'll kind of be like the Jamaican bobsled team walking that last 100 metres exactly a slow clap point on the ground so what is it coming up? have you guys got another book in you? I think we do content wise absolutely we've talked about it Pez has been living overseas for a while now and he's just moving back in about a month or so so logistically it'll be a lot easier to do another book book two we actually wrote over the internet over terrible Skype connections but we are thinking about it and especially with this culture review going on and the grade cricketer comedy kind of aligning with what's going on in the professional realm I think there is room for it it was easily the greatest thing to happen to our international brand as you call the Clancy but the sandpaper event just spiked numbers for us amazingly you'd be surprised if our third book wasn't called culture review the pitch is on there was one tweet you put out the day, three days after the scandal you might be able to deliver it a bit better but was it Helen from accounts? who wrote that one? I think it was let me just read my own tattoo I think it was me it was good luck explaining a reverse swing to Helen from accounts tomorrow morning because no one actually understands what the fuck reverse swing is so yeah we got criticism that that might have been a bit discriminatory against Helen who might actually know about cricket, the actual joke was that most people don't really know or care about cricket that's the thing it'll take a while for those people to give up no we're with you that's not what we're doing you would have definitely seen Helen from accounts come storming in around the wicket in 1995 on a stinking hot day and the ball's not doing anything and she's had the rough side up in her armpit Helen from accounts played out and then she comes in just pulling the chain down with the seam just going into leg slip you know this thing's moving like a banana but you'd never know that unless you asked Helen anyway gentlemen we've got to plug your podcast so tell us when is that released and where you can find it we're not quite sure yet but it's a weekly it will start in November and it should probably come out mid-week but we're not sure yet because clearly we're sub-professional people who haven't organised our lives so yeah a weekly during the summer everyone can go back into the old the back catalogue on Spotify iTunes and all your places you get your podcasts and it's just called The Grey Cricketer and it's really really good well boys it's been great having you on here you guys are the benchmark in Australian marketing, commentary and humour I reckon Tom Gleisen's had his day and Warwick Todd is dead he's buried and he's been dropped and he's back working at Crystal Car Wash in Fountain Lakes which was the last place I heard he was working at he's probably moved on to a cache of hand stuff from cache to cache like Tarzan from Vine to Vine just trying to say off the jungle for me that was one thing we'll set it up for the next podcast with you guys the great world of post-great cricket post-professional cricket speaking gigs AGMs and there's a lot of money to be made in that and hopefully it's a realm you guys aren't too far off I'm sure you can get down there to Lords or do a little something I'm sure they would love having the great cricket now that you are the authority we did a few and the main thing with doing speaking gigs in England is that they just want you to be the 80s Australian and they just want the Aussie to dance be overly aggressive and Jeff Thompson did break David Lloyd's penis in half that's all they want to hear it wasn't the yarn that they wanted to hear you've just got to have one yarn that you can dine out on until you're old and great with fuck knees so you did do that? I did one last week at North London if you're listening boys they got me to MC and open it and then Murph Hughes to do his bit so he was the headliner and basically I thought I was doing all this cutting edge sociological commentary that we're getting a few laughs and then he got up and started telling stories about how he called David Gower a prick that was just 90 minutes of Gower prick jokes and they were just like give me more and then you and Murph peeled off the dinner afterwards he's like I'll come back to Fooksgrove with me and we'll do a couple of speaking gigs together I'm just hoping for it to be a bit of a duo beautiful well we might get a feed together and do a few speaking gigs with you guys in the future thank you for joining us let's go have a few cans gentlemen thanks for having us I can hear myself say that there is a limit on how much shit you can talk but it seems we might have reached it today that was the great cricketer joining us for a highly entertaining podcast and of course they've got their own one they're in the off season right now but you can go look for that at the aforementioned podcast destinations that they were telling you about just coming up to the top of the hour now we've run out of time once again until next week my name is Errol Parker and stay out of the poker machines yes yes I'm Clancy Overall you be kind to each other we're with you, that's not what we're doing we care about women you would have definitely seen Helen McCounts come storming in around the wicket in 1995 on a stinking hot day and the ball's not doing anything and she's had the rough side up in her armpit Helen McCounts played out of me in between the balls and then she comes in just pulling the chain down with the seam just going towards leg slip this thing's moving like a banana but you'd never know that unless you ask Helen anyway gentlemen we've got to plug your podcast so tell us when is that released and where you can find it we're not quite sure yet but it's a weekly it will start in November and it should probably come out midweek but we're not sure yet because clearly we're sub-professional people who haven't organised our lives so yeah, a weekly during the summer everyone can go back into the old the back catalogue on Spotify iTunes and all your places that you eat podcasts and it's just called The Grey Cricketer and it's really really good well boys it's been great having you on here you guys are the benchmark in Australian cricketing commentary and humour I reckon Tom Gleisen's had his day and Warwick Todd is dead he's buried and he's been dropped and he's back working at Crystal Car Wash in Fountain Lakes which was the last place I heard he was working at he's probably moved on to another cashier than me from cashier to cashier like Tarzan from Vine to Vine just trying to say off the jungle for you that was one thing we'll save that for the next podcast with you guys, the great world of post-great cricket post-professional cricket warpies, speaking gigs oh yeah, AGMs and there's a lot of money to be made in that area and hopefully you know, it's a realm you guys aren't too far off I'm sure you can get down there to Lords or to a little something they love having Tomo down there I'm sure they would love having the great cricket now that you are the authority we did a few and the main thing with doing speaking gigs in England is that they just want you to be the 80s Australian and they just want the Aussie to dance, you know, like be overly aggressive, be a bit and Jeff Thompson did break David Lloyd's penis in half that's all they want to hear you've just got to have one yarn that you can dine out on until you're old and great with fuck knees so you did do that? I did one last week at North London cricket club, hello if you're listening they got me to MC and open it and then Murph Hughes to do his bit so he was the headliner and basically I thought I was doing all this cutting edge sociological commentary that we're getting a few laughs and then he got up and just started telling stories about how David Gower a prick and they just loved it that was just 90 minutes of Gower prick jokes and they were just like give me more, like dance Aussie and then you and Murph peeled off a dinner afterwards he was like oh come back to Fooksgrove with me and we'll do a couple of speaking gigs together I'm just hoping for it to be a bit of a duo beautiful, well we might get a feed together and do a few speaking gigs with you guys in the future, thank you for joining us let's go have a few cans gentlemen? well that's it, I probably never thought I'd hear myself say that there is a limit on how much shit you can talk but it seems we might have reached it today that was the great cricketer joining us for a highly entertaining podcast and of course they've got their own one, they're in the off season right now, but you can go look for that at the aforementioned podcast destinations that they were telling you about just coming up to the top of the hour now, we've run out of time once again, until next week my name is Errol Parker and stay out of the poker machines yes yes, I'm Clancy Overall you be kind to each other |
TheOnion | Immigrant_Explains_Difficulty_Assimilating_To_Culture_That_Constantly_Reboots_Film_Franchises | It can be difficult to assimilate into American culture. There are so many unspoken customs and references that I don't even know that I don't know. And all of this is further complicated by the fact that the United States is a nation that constantly reboots its film franchises. Just when I got used to Tobey Maguire soaring between New York City skyscrapers and Spider-Man, all of a sudden it's Andrew Garfield up there. Then I get used to him, and suddenly it's some other guy named Tom Holland. It's a lot to deal with when you haven't grown up in this culture.
It feels so isolating when I try to relay it to my co-workers over the animated Beauty and the Beast movie, and then they tell me it's live action now, and that there are even new songs. At that point you just have to stop talking and try to follow along the best way you can. It's frustrating to love a film like 21 Jump Street and then hear someone say that it's almost as good as the original TV series. I thought it was the original. Then I have to go back to square one and figure out where the whole narrative started.
I just want to be a normal American who can chat with her neighbors about the planet of the apes without having to second guess whether we're talking about the James Franco version or the Charlton Heston version. Is the planet mostly apes with some humans, or is it mostly humans with some apes?
Oh my god, I forgot about Mark Wahlberg.
There are days when I'm like seven hours into sorting through all the different iterations of the Mummy and the Scorpion King, and I just think, I want to go back home. But I have to remind myself that I'm doing this so one day my children won't have to. What gives me hope though is being here when franchise like John Wick hits theaters for the first time and knowing down the line when it gets remade by some person who hasn't been born yet, I'll be ready. Moments like that let me know that I can overcome any hardship, even the inevitable Back to the Future reboot. |
dropout | troopers_forcefield | How long is that, um, is that light been on?
Ahhh! I don't know! Ha! Thank God! Ah, you're still here! Yeah, you have me trapped behind this force field, duh. Yes! That's right!
The force field is still up. Nothing's gone wrong, so stay right there. Wait, is the force field down?
What?! No! That is crazy! Definitely not!
Because the force field makes a noise when it's on. No, it's more of a hum. See? It's perfectly normal. Did the force field just stop for a breath?
No. No, no, no, no, no. Your hand will explode. Melt. Melt?
The old force field never did that. It's a new setting.
Vaporize. Destructinate. What the hell is destructinate?
I want you to touch it and find out. Okay.
No, no, no, no! Don't touch the force field!
That was reverse psychology. What's reverse psychology?
Touching it or not touching it? Touching it. Not touching it.
Sorry. That's not sorry.
We need a system here. Are our force fields down? No, Mr. Kankerschmitt. Your force field's fine. Just like this one. Which isn't making any noise. So, just hold tight and the force field repairman will be here? Why? You congratulate us on keeping the force field running.
Yay! Okay. I believe you. I won't touch the force field. You promise? Okay.
Uh, wait, fuck. Not helping! |
dropout | bleep_bloop_artsy_fartsy_games | Welcome to Bleepbloop. You know, a lot of people think all video games are about explosions and killing hookers, but there's actually a lot of arty games for complete pussies too. Joining me this week to explore some of those artsy fartsy games are Dan Klein from The Onion Sports, John Gabris from the new MoCap LLC at midnight on Spike, and Pat Castles. The first game we'll be looking at is Flower on the PlayStation 3, obviously not a lot of guns and explosions in this one. The first line on the Wikipedia page for Flower is, each level takes place in a different flower's dream, as it sits on the windowsill of a dull city apartment. That's pretty deep, even for, like, artsy fartsy games.
There's really no way to describe the mechanics of Flower with a straight face, but basically you're a single petal floating in the wind. Each time you touch a flower, it blooms and releases a musical note until you're a whole jet stream of petals flying around the fields activating all sorts of flowers. So the dream of a flower is pollination? Like, I would be like, oh, I'm going to dream about driving about a flower.
I'm going to sound like a wuss guy, but I think I'm in love with this game. It's interesting to see all the PlayStation 3 horsepower used just on grass. It's the most powerful gaming system just to render millions of blades of grass.
Oh, there is, like, a path that you can follow. Now I'm turning it into, like, a racing game in my head. What's your path?
Got the turbo boost? Yeah, turbo boost, big heads.
So the game's kind of like a side-scrolling pong, but each time you hit a ball, it makes a noise, like a bleep or a bloop. And the balls are timed out so that together they kind of create a song.
So it's co-op, though, right? Yeah, we're all working together here. Oh, I've been trying to kill you. Yeah, we need to. We're all getting in the zone here. Oops.
You can tell how good a game is by how little we make fun of it. How little we're able to talk.
Because the things are coming across at you and you have to move to stop it, it's like we're playing guitar for you, but each one of us are in charge of one button. Yeah, they need to do, like, behind the music about what happened to these four paddles after the game ended. Orange started, like, a little solo project. Purple did a hard time because he was addicted to steroids and punched his wife in the face.
Moving on from paddles to some of the weirdest bleep I've ever seen, let's take a look at Noby Noby Boy on the PlayStation 3. So you're this guy, his name is Boy, and it's kind of difficult to control because one analog stick controls his front end and the other controls his back end. You can kind of stretch him around. What's the story of this game and what's the object? That's kind of the thing. There really is no object. You're Noby Noby Boy and you just kind of walk around and you do whatever you want, man.
Do you eat stuff? You can eat small stuff, but again, there's no real point to it. There's no, like, eat this many things.
There's no trophies, no goals. There's no wrong answers in Noby Noby Boy, man.
You just do whatever you feel. I feel like this game might be, like, a comment on, like, video games in general. It's like making fun of it. Yeah, it's like, listen, there's absolutely nothing to do in this game. Go nuts, though. It's so sad how you have to, like, try to, like, maybe I can eat the squirrel.
That might have moved me for 30 seconds. I'm glad to see that the guy who made Katamari finally teamed up with the Dire Straits to make a video game. I'm out of here.
In search of a better game. You're playing Resident Evil 5. What have we learned today? Do these artistic endeavors have a place in the world of video games?
You know, Flower, when we were playing it, was like, this game seems like there's absolutely nothing going on. Now we're playing Noby Noby Boy, and this guy has taken it to the next level of less things that are understandable happening. I feel like the next game that comes out, like, in this fashion is just going to be a controller that you plug into yourself and then you realize, like, nothing is happening. And then, like, someone comes to your house and is like, it's commentary. Bit Trip and Flower at least have levels. Bit Trip has a score. But Noby Noby Boy is more of a toy. It really stretches the definition of game. In general, it's like making fun of it. It's like, listen, there's absolutely nothing to do in this game.
Go nuts, though. It's so sad how you have to, like, try to, like, oh, maybe I can eat the squirrel.
That might have mused me for 30 seconds. I'm glad to see that the guy who made Katamari finally teamed up with the Dire Straits to make a video game. I'm out of here. I've got it. You cubed with me. Hey, that wasn't me. Oh, yeah. I was talking to a question about Director Du Hoo. Yeah, I was talking to a question abouttime I ever had. Excuse me.
What if my BitTrip and Flower at least have levels, BitTrip has a score, but NoBeNoBeBoy is more of a toy. It really stretches the definition of game. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_cologne_wars | Welcome to Bleep Loop. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Sarah Schneider and Pat Cassels.
Today we are going to be testing nerdy colognes. We have a Batman fragrance, a fragrance based on Superman. We have Worthy, a cologne based on Thor. Smash, a cologne based on Hulk, a Pokemon cologne, and Calvin Klein's Encounter, which is going to be the control in our experiment. You see, we're going to have some of our friends come in, model these colognes.
Pat and Sarah will not know what they are wearing, but will have to guess. Is everybody ready? No. Then let's get started. Do you smell grapefruit? A little bit. Are you going to say anything? Yeah, yeah. It's not bad.
It smells very high school. It smells like high school. It's got a spice to it. It's like a Christmas-y smell to it.
Batman hates Christmas. There's no way it's the Batman one. This is definitely not an actual one.
I think it's that one. You think it's Thor? That's what I said too. I know. I think I agree with you. Is that your guess? Yes. Thor is correct.
I would expect the Hulk one to be like straight up like a brew, a musky brew. Feels a little more delicate than you would expect. Yeah, yeah. Hulk is a sensitive guy. He's emotional.
This one's a lot better than the last one. I'm thinking the encounter. Really? It's really nice.
It does smell exactly like something a boy would buy in high school. I keep saying high school. They all smell like high school. That's when I work alone. I guess cologne smells like high school. I was such a slimy little kid when I was in high school.
I think it's one of those two because it feels like manly. I feel like the Batman one needs to feel like darker than this. This feels like brighter. Yeah, seriously.
I'm going to go with encounter. I just think it's a really nice subtle smell. Don't you feel like you're going to recognize encounter though? Like someone you know will have worn encounter and no one you know. I don't know about anyone we know wears encounter.
Are you still gaining information? You have to keep dipping in here a lot. I'm going to offload the responsibility this time.
Dan, which cologne are you wearing? It's Superman. This is a fetish reply. Tangy. It's got a tanginess to it. This is a child's cologne. I think it's either Pokemon or the Thor one. I think it's Pokemon. Do I get to reveal it? What cologne are you wearing? It's the grown up one.
No! Yes it is! There's definitely some like club douche bags watching this right now. They're just like, what? No!
What was the one we already guessed of those two? Smash. Hulk. And that one was... That was like a... Newzoo.
Woody and aquatic, they said. Kind of, yeah. Just like the Hulk. So your guess is Thor. Yes. Caldwell, what cologne are you wearing? They are worthy. Definitely like there's someone who's spraying that on themselves. I'm imagining lightning striking them with every spritz. Girls will just come to me like Thor's mighty mutant. So you guys are down to 50-50 on this one. It is either Batman or Pokemon. Right.
It smells like candy and Pez to me. I'm thinking Batman. I think it's got a strong scent. I'm going to guess Pokemon. It smells like candy. I said they all smell young, but it smells like candy, like younger.
One of you is right, one of you is wrong. Abby, who is right?
The psychological trick of appealing to kids is the candy smell. It's Pokemon! Yes!
I did it. Eat shit. This one is going to be a little bit different because you're the last person. We've already tested all of them.
So we know we're going to be smelling the Batman fragrance. Instead, let's try to guess what that Batman fragrance is going to smell like. What do you guys expect to smell here? I'm going to get undertones of vengeance, some justice, and citrus.
I'd be so much more into it if they labeled this Bat Shark repellent. Actually, I would say Batman is probably the classy superhero, so if someone owned the Batman clone, I would think more highly of him than him owning any other clone. Yeah, Batman made Calvin Klein.
I like this one a lot. Yeah, I like this one too. It's the perfect balance of strong and subtle. This actually does have a musk. Much like Batman. |
TheOnion | Human_Rights_Group_Campaigns_To_End_Use_Of_Child_Politicians_In_Africa | For years now, we've all heard the tragic stories of the child soldiers in Africa, but now children there are being exploited in a much more heartbreaking way. That's right. According to several human rights organizations, young boys as young as seven years old are being kidnapped and forced into life as child politicians. And joining us here in the studio is one of those former child politicians. He's written this book, What I Saw, Memories of a Child Politician, Sheku Muhammad, and from UNICEF, Wesley Harvin. Thank you guys for being with us this morning. Wesley, help us understand this senseless cruelty. Well, it's hard for us to imagine, Tracy, but in Africa, boys like Sheku are torn from their families, they're taken to training camps, and forced to run for government office against their will.
No. They're bound and gagged, they're given talking points. Politics is sad enough when it's just adults involved, but when you force children into that kind of activity, that's beyond disgusting. It is. These kids are marched off to villages, where they go from house to house trying to get votes. Shaking hands, complimenting the food at local restaurants, they're forced to memorize the names of thousands of local sports teams. My God. Sheku, is this what happened to you? Yes.
They broke into my house. They threatened to rape my sisters unless I ran for the open seat in parliament in the Cambria district. I was only 11.
Unbelievable. As a mother, it just breaks my heart to see children like this. It was all horrible, all day and night, waving, giving thumbs up. Oh my goodness.
I was never allowed to rest. A former prime minister from Uganda, he's 12 now, he told me that his advisor would cut his arms with knives and pack cocaine into the womb so that he would stay up for days on end, talking to farmers about protecting their jobs. No child should ever have to pander for votes like that. On the campaign trail when I saw a baby, I just grabbed it and kissed it.
I didn't care who it was. So sad. You didn't have a choice.
I was lucky because I escaped, but most of my childhood friends are still politicians. The victimization is not limited to boys. Young girls are often forced to become politicians' wives against their will. Made to wear elaborate hairdos, they have to stand next to their child politician husband smiling, but they're warned that if they speak, they'll be killed. Oh, it's so sad. The book again is What I Saw, Memories of a Child Politician.
Go out and buy it. It'll make you glad to be an American. Coming up after the break, we're going to find out how to tell if your husband's co-workers are sluts. |
dropout | reading_buzzfeed_is_like_being_interrogated | I'm Detective Stevens. This is Detective Kelly. We're from the Investigative Division of Buzzfeed. Am I in some kind of trouble?
We just have some questions that we'd like to ask. What do you remember from the morning of January 1, 1990 through the night of December 31, 1999? What? What do you remember about the 90s? I don't know what anyone remembers.
You're gonna have to do a lot better than that, you piece of shit. Do you remember flannel shirts? Yeah. How about Dunkers? Sure.
It could be three or four or five. I don't know. Brian, just answer our questions, alright?
Or else. So just tell us what you remember about the 90s. Why do you care? Why would anybody? This is just... Oh, Jesus! Don't mouth off ten reasons why the 90s were so totally the best. Or I'll show you seven ways for me to shove my foot up your ass that you have to see right now. Or maybe we'll treat your wife to thirteen pictures of your face that aren't photoshopped. So how about you stop fucking around and start listing? Okay, okay. Do you want any history or opinions? You got a hearing problem or something?
We don't need any of that. No editorializing, no surprising facts, no nothing. Just things.
Numbered! I want my lawyer. You want a lawyer? Well, I've got thirty-four fictional lawyers you totally wish were real. Stop! Just stop talking to me like you know me! I want my lawyer! A real one! The only lawyer you need to worry about is Ally McBeal, buddy.
You like watching TV in the 90s? I sure hope so, because we're gonna talk a lot about it. How are the answers to these questions important at all? I mean, what? So you don't like talking about the 90s shitbag? Fine.
How about you give me four reasons why bacon is the Chuck Norris of food? No, no, no, Chuck Norris jokes. They're so old. That's so few things. There are people still talking about bacon like it's something new.
No, wait, no, no, no, no. You think this is a game, motherfucker? You think it's a Tamagotchi Mario 64 mousetrap? It isn't!
What do you remember about the 90s? My nuts! What the fuck do you remember about the 90s?
Lisa... Frank. Oh, yeah. Lisa Frank.
Don't click me. Don't click me anymore, please. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_cecily_strong_and_kenan_thompson_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisers about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine, which is kind of like Will Smith's agent telling him, you crushed it at the Oscars. Will Smith, for those of you who don't know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith, which I think was a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows. during his acceptance speech, Will Smith said, love will make you do crazy things. You know what also makes you do crazy things? crazy. But I understand where Will's coming from. I mean, you can't expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing an Nda. Yesterday, Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts, and Sciences. he wasn't going to, but then Jada gave him that look. If Will Smith had been expelled, he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the Academy, including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski, and Harvey Weinstein. or, as they're also known, Bad Boys for Life. Also, can we stop pretending everybody knew Jada had alopecia? I mean, as much as we heard about Jada and Will's personal lives, you can't expect us to retain everything. it's like Kanye saying, don't act like y'all ain't know I had psoriasis. just selfishly, as a comedian, I'm tired of people putting their own insecurities on our joke intentions.
I mean, I can't make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back, stop making fun of my small penis. Keep my small penis. go ahead, I'm sorry. no, please.
I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock, and he said it was okay. So now we just ask the victim right after they get hit in the head. hey, you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for a while? you don't want to make him mad again. I can't believe the Academy has a worse concussion protocol than the Nfl. And honestly, I can't even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. nobody knew what to do. even people at the Oscars were googling, did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock? I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. it's truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction, but if Janet's nipple slapped Timberlake. Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his nonverbal learning disorder, which means it's hard for him to understand nonverbal signals. sort of like how when he saw an angry Will Smith charging towards him and instead of moving out of the way, he put both his hands behind his back, smiled, and said, uh-oh.
And in non-oscars news, Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who's the one on the right, said in a recent interview that 70-year-old Republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait, so you went to the old man orgy? and you thought the weird part was drugs? Senator Lindsey Graham, seen here picturing the orgy Madison Cawthorn, said that Kentucky Brown Jackson is a person of exceptionally good character, but he would not support her for the Supreme Court.
So, like many Southern gentlemen, he's comfortable with black folks until they try to move in next door. U.s. officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kiev despite earlier promises to withdraw.
Putin's failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon. several Republican senators were criticized for asking irrelevant, sensational questions during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing of Judge Kentucky Brown Jackson. here to comment is one of those senators, Marcia Blackburn. Cawthorn is talking about are these confirmation hearings. Oh, we crushed it. so many great, smart questions. are babies racist? is murder bad? And those are real questions that my fellow Republicans asked tonight. Republicans asked an adult judge. right. And what did you ask her?
Oh, I hit her with the coup de grace. you ready for this? define woman. Define woman? Define woman.
She couldn't do it.
I mean, huh? Well, kind of a nuanced, complicated question. complicated. how? Well, okay. how do you define woman? are you jerking my perm? You honestly don't know. Colin, it's simple. it's biology, Colin, Okay? it's your private parts, but not the ones you have when you're born, but just the bottom private parts, because the top ones come later. No, you know what? Okay. it's your period. got to have your period, unless you're old or young, or pregnant, or stressed out or doing gymnastics. No, you know what? scratch that.
I'm going back to Baby Privates. Final Answer.: Baby privates?
Well, it's not just biology, okay? woman is cheerleader, nurse, teacher, prostitute. come on. you've seen them. you know, they're always cold. they're the ones that be shopping. I really don't know what you're talking about. Colin, yes, you do. You know, woman is like, ah, ah, ah, and man is like, oh, oh, oh. you are not making any sense. Okay, because you are just not getting it. you know what? let me show you. Ooh, yes. don't we love these big, stupid, dumbass boards and these big, stupid, dumbass pictures, Okay? come on. look how simple it is. the color pink. the ones with beehive hairdos in the far side. longer, thinner cigarettes. they're having fun dancing around in a commercial for underwear you can pee in. do you get it yet? I think I get it less.
Okay. well. Why is defining woman even relevant to a confirmation hearing? Are you kidding? it is the most important thing for a supreme court justice. because if you don't know what a woman is, how the hell are you going to take her rights away? can I get an Amen? No. Marsha Blackburn, everyone. somebody said they want to set me on fire. All right.
First Secretary, Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join Msnbc. Damn, she's still at work and already has her next job lined up. that's as crazy as some of the sketches on season two of that damn Michael Che. This summer on Hbo Max. workers at the Amazon Warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. Yeah. yeah, the union explains Amazon's new slogan, it'd be a real shame if something happened to your package. according to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. on the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. the conservative media organization The Daily Wire, said they'll spend $100 million to create children's programming to counter woke media companies. programs will include Clifford, the Big Straight Dog, and Kanto, but in English.
And one fish, Two fish, that's how many fish genders there are. Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo 17 years ago, has been spotted in Texas. Or, and hear me out, flamingos look like other flamingos. Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500-pound black bear living on a college campus. a black bear that, let's face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears.
In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his madea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex dry as hell. a new study shows that in the past 20 years, prediabetes in children has more than doubled, thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast.
Last week's altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock at the Oscars seemed to have divided Hollywood. with many celebrities publicly taking sides, here the comment is, and he wrote his own intro, Heisman Trophy Winner and star of Naked Gun, O.j. Simpson. Hey, Snl World, Wow, it's always good to hear applause for O.j. Alright, O.j. so whose side are you on, Chris Rock or Will Smith? Oh, now, Michael, you know me. I hate conflict. No. they both seem like good guys, But honestly, I ain't even understand Chris Rock's joke. I mean, what the hell is G.i.j.
Oh, it's just a movie from the 90s. the 90s? Oh, I don't remember nothing from the 90s.
Yeah, that whole decade is my n-word. any humble opinion, Will Smith may be overreacted by slapping Chris Rock. I mean, Will, I don't want to say that you got rave issues, but hey, if the glove fits, I'm just saying. Okay, so you're on Chris Rock's side. No way, I ain't saying all that, Michael. I mean, Chris ain't exactly innocent, either. nobody likes to be made fun of. I mean, you might be too young to remember, but people used to make a lot of mean jokes about me. really? about what? all kinds of stuff. sometimes jokes can go too far, especially when it's about a man's family, because like Will Smith said in his speech, love will make you do crazy things, allegedly. Great, so you're on Will Smith's side. I already said, I'm not on anybody's side, Michael. don't you be accusing me again.
All right, all right. I ain't accusing you, man. All right. sorry. might have lost it a little bit there. just, you know, whenever people accuse me of stuff, it makes me just want to. Any who, I just want to give them brothers some advice, you know? whenever you feel anger bubbling up inside, instead of reacting, just do what I do. take a nice long drive, or maybe let a friend drive you around so you can lay that in the back and call the news stations. you know, O.j. some people are saying the Academy should take away Will Smith's trophy. you ain't taking my trophies away! Relax, man, calm down. sorry about that, my girl. Can I make a big confession that's been a long time coming? Yes, please. I ain't watch them Oscars. O.j. Simpson, everybody. I'm just saying, man, what's up? when we get out there, I might just say. I'm Colin Jones. good night. |
cracked | why_hollywood_thinks_americans_are_stupid_cracked_responds | Guys, I want to thank you all for meeting me here today to show you this trailer for this fun, new kind of horror comedy, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's kind of like this funny little satire book that came out a few years ago and it was, you know, kind of like a little bit of a phenomenon. Well, they finally made it into a movie, which makes sense. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, we're going to watch a trailer. This is the international trailer. So like right away, we're showing like, you know, it seems like Pride and Prejudice. To succeed in polite society, a young woman must be many things. Yeah, I like what they're doing, like, because they're like, oh, this is, they're, yeah, they're treating it like this is a trailer for just Pride and Prejudice. Right. Classic corset scene.
Books. Lots of reading. They did a lot of reading back then.
Whoa, what's going on here? Pump the brakes. Is that a zombie? So now we see that these difficult to court ladies are all bad. They're also super bad ass zombie killers.
So yeah, here's what you think it is. Here's the twist we're adding to it. It's a fun movie. Go see it in a minute and five seconds. This is a tongue in cheek, fun little romp, right?
Right. Yeah. It's right there. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. That is the most ridiculous title in history. Yeah. It's the most front loaded title. You know everything you're going to get from that movie. Right. The first meeting was here's the title of the movie and that's it. That's all you need. Yeah. Would you see that movie based on that trailer? Yeah. Probably, right? Yes. I mean, that's fun. Yeah.
That was the British trailer. Now let's take a look at how America decides to market this movie. Right up top, we're going to know it's a PG-13 zombie movie.
Never a good idea. I'm not interested in that. Yeah, that's like the Conjuring trailer. Oh, surprise.
Zombie. I'm a goddamn zombie. I thought I was just leaning over this body.
It began with the black plague. Right away, just a pile of burning bodies.
Famous Robin zombies. I've been training for this my whole life.
This is so different because they didn't even say it's Jane Austen. Right, there's nothing in this trailer that indicates that it's Pride and Prejudice at all. No.
Oh, why is Tywin there? Every one of these like stupid movies has like a Game of Thrones quota. Or give him something to do when the show's not filming. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of singing, dancing, and the art of war.
It's like it doesn't think its audience will be smart enough to get it. It's like trying to trick us. Do they not want us to know that this is supposed to be funny? I mean, clearly they don't.
Even if you were familiar with the story, you would have no idea. Because they don't say characters names. No characters names have been said.
The stakes that they're setting here are really high. They're like for honor, for love, for family. For family. Must fight. Everyone must fight.
This is just romance with zombies around us. There you go, that's a title. Title all at once. Maybe this is a joke? I do not know which.
I admire more. Your skill as a warrior. Will you resolve as a woman?
No? Nope. No, that's deadly serious. This is the least self-aware thing. Yeah, there's no jokes at all.
They end on her saying this just Lena Headey with an eye patch. Too many Lannisters in this movie. Way too many Lannisters.
Just immediately buying back any sort of sense of, oh, this is supposed to be a comedy you might have got from the ridiculous title. It's almost like they're like, maybe they won't notice. So Pride and Prejudice and Zombies in the international trailer. They used the word and. And in this one they used little crosses. They're trying to make it so overly cool and gritty. The other one is clearly supposed to be funny. It's kind of like this understated little do, do, do.
And this one is like, motherfucker. Another piece of shit monster movie that comes out in January, February that nobody's going to see.
And they won't learn a lesson from this at all. They will not learn a lesson.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. Please go down and subscribe, like the video, leave us some comments maybe.
What period piece do you guys think should be turned into a movie with zombies or sea monsters in it? And then have them totally disguise that fact in all the trailers I'm dead serious about.
Oh yeah. As soon as he turns that camera off, we're going to, I mean, I've, I've got some songs written. We're going to talk about it. Yeah. No, just yeah. Okay. We're good to go. |
dropout | good_cop_bad_cop | Oi, Jacob! That was good. I have all the interns in the commentary. You get in there and work on some of the Spring Break articles. Sure. Good ones, please, this year. Jakey, Jakey, question. Let's play some good cop bad cops with these guys.
I don't think you're involved in this. I don't think you understand what I meant. Follow my lead. Nope. Listen up, maggots! Okay, don't worry, he's kidding.
We just need to start thinking. We don't need to start thinking! You need to start thinking! Jake, we all need to start thinking of Spring Break articles.
I've got the shit out of it. Did anyone even ask you to talk, bro? Are you seriously fucking looking at me? Are you fucking crazy, I say?
Jake, don't fucking say his name! Don't you say his goddamn name.
It's fine. It's not fine, I forget.
Jake, what do we do to cute little stupid interns that keep saying your first name? You're not stupid, Casey, obviously. You're just taking a bad joke. There's only one bad joke I see, and it's this cute little blonde number. You're fucking beautiful, you know that?
Alright, Amir, that's enough. You have to leave now. Break my hand. Come on, break it. Yes, right now. Are you fucking crazy?! Alright, Jake, I'm gonna go. Yeah, that's fine. You know what? Don't even bother going. Cause I'll fucking take you there. Jesus, fuck! Amir, stop! What are you gonna do now? What the fuck are you doing?
Oh my god! Let me kill him! Let me fucking kill this asshole!
Jake, the one and the weirdest part about that meeting was... What? I was the good cop. |
SaturdayNightLive | team_captain_snl | And that's halftime with Valley High leading Hillside by 30 points. All right, y'all see the score.
We're playing like some pumps out there now as your coach. I've given you speech after speech, but clearly something isn't getting through, so maybe you need to hear from one of your own captain. Yeah, Coach Guys, we should be up by 20 points right now, but we're getting our asses kicked because we're not focused on the fundamentals fundamentals. mental. It's all up here. and I get it. it's been a tough week. Okay, we lost the Canyon High last week. Miller's out with an ankle sprain and on Tuesday Coach accidentally sent that weird picture of himself to the team group chat instead of his wife.
But we got to move past that. it's in the past. I mean, look, did I want to see Coach wearing only a fur thong and cat ears on all fours licking milk out of a bowl? No. But that's no excuse to not play my ass off tonight. No, it's good. And yeah, did it suck that Coach didn't realize what he'd done and then sent even more pictures to the group? all those sexy cat pics. Yes, it sucked, but we can't be thinking about that right now. It's just something that my wife and I do. Gentlemen. we gotta move on from that. stop thinking about my picks. I'm not thinking about your picks, Coach.
I'm thinking about the video of you going to the bathroom in a litter box. Yeah, me too.
I'm like, why does Coach's wife get turned on by that? Yo, it doesn't matter why Coach's wife gets turned on by that. All right, she likes seeing him go to the bathroom in a litter box, dude. that's it. 20 years of marriage fellas.
You need to mix it up sometimes. Yo, can I can I say something? I'm sorry.
I posted Coach's video on tik-tok. I thought it was Ai. We know that Rodriguez.
The point is, none of us have an excuse to be playing this bad except for Chris because Coach is his dad. Yeah, don't you worry about my boy. he's gonna turn it on in the second half. Sorry, I want to focus, but it's kind of hard when the other team's fans keep like shining laser pointers on the floor trying to get Coach to chase them. which I won't sorry. a package ship. Coach Williams, man, this better not be another one of them. It is kitty litter y'all See this. This is the other team trying to get into our hands and it wasn't funny the first ten times. It's not funny. now. look, we can still win this. All right, but we got to play better defense.
So whoever you're covering, be on them wherever they go. Just follow them. Just like how wherever Coach goes, the state-appointed social worker goes. Don't mind me just making sure everybody feels safe.
Guys, What is Coach famous for saying this? Naughty kitty Crazy? No, not from the cat videos from what he says in practice. Oh, play the game, Not the score exactly. So when we go out there for the second half, let's show up just like Coach showed up for us today, even though all of our parents asked him not to. Thank You Nate, you know, gentlemen, I'm gonna be real with you.
When I realized what I had done, I considered getting in my car and driving off to start a new life somewhere else. But I couldn't leave. My team can leave him son?
And I know that one day he's going to eventually talk again. And when he does, the first words out of his mouth are not going to be dad, I want to go live with Grandma and Grandpa.
They're gonna be dead with state champions. Now, let's get out there and get this win and make some headlines.
Ass is kicked cuz we're not focused on the fundamentals fundamentals and I get it. It's been a tough week, okay. We lost the Canyon High last week Miller's out with an ankle sprain and on Tuesday Coach accidentally sent that weird picture of himself to the team group chat instead of his wife. But we got to move past that. it's in a pay-asks a gentleman. I mean, look, did I want to see Coach wearing only a fur thong and cat ears on all fours licking milk out of a bowl? no, But that's no excuse to not play my ass off tonight. No excuse. And yeah, did it suck that Coach didn't realize what he'd done and then sent even more pictures to the group? All those sexy cat pics. Yes, it sucked, but we can't be thinking about that right now. It's just something that my wife and I do. Gentlemen. we gotta move on from that. stop thinking about my pics. I'm not thinking about your pics, Coach.
I'm thinking about the video of you going to the bathroom in a litter box. Yeah, me too. I'm like, why does Coach his wife get turned on by that? Yo, it doesn't matter why Coach his wife gets turned on by that. All right, she likes seeing him go to the bathroom in a litter box, dude.
That's it. 20 years of marriage fellas. you need to mix it up sometimes. yo, can I can I say something?
I'm sorry I posted Coach's video on Tik-tok I thought it was ai. We know that Rodriguez. The point is, none of us have an excuse to be playing this bad except for Chris because coaches his dad. don't you worry about my boy? he's gonna turn it on in the second half. Sorry, I want to focus, but it's kind of hard when the other team's fans keep like shining laser pointers on the floor trying to get Coach to chase them. which I won't sorry. packing ship, Coach waves man. this better not be another one of them. it is kitty litter y'all See this. This is the other team trying to get into our heads and it wasn't funny the first ten times. it's not funny now. Look, we can still win this.
All right, but we got to play better defense So whoever you're covering be on them wherever they go. Just follow them. Just like how wherever Coach goes, the state-appointed social worker goes. Don't mind me just making sure everybody feels safe.
Guys, What is Coach famous for saying? This naughty kitty craze? discipline? No, not from the cat videos from what he says in practice. Oh, play the game, not the score, exactly. So when we go out there for the second half, let's show up just like Coach showed up for us today, even though all of our parents asked him not to thank you Nate, you know, gentlemen, I'm gonna be real with you.
When I realized what I had done, I considered getting in my car and driving off to start a new life somewhere else. but I couldn't leave. My team can leave him son? And I know that one day he's gonna eventually talk again. And when he does, the first words out of his mouth are not going to be dad. I want to go live with Grandma and Grandpa.
They're gonna be dead with state champions. Now. let's get out there and get this win and make some headlines. |
dropout | stop_hating_my_favorite_things | How can you hate a sign seating at the movie theater? Because sometimes one of the rows is full of teens, and I don't know just looking at the screen. But you can see where the groups are when you look at the screen. Right, and sometimes I have to sit next to a group anyway. I don't like a sign seating in a movie theater.
But why not? You have to like this. It's driving me crazy. I like what I like. Okay, I think we can all agree this conversation sucks. No, but listen, Rekha. It's not wrong yet.
Okay, who wants ice cream? I'm not really that into ice cream. What? Oh, I'm just not that into ice cream. Wait, sorry, you don't like ice cream because you like frozen yogurt better? No, I kind of hate all of it. Explain yourself. Well, I guess ice cream is just too sweet for me.
How many kinds have you had? I don't know, a few. Oh, yeah, a few flavors.
Okay, that makes sense. Except it doesn't!
Okay, Rekha, ice cream is amazing! You can't possibly dislike every flavor of ice cream, okay?
Vanilla? Nah. Chocolate? No. Green tea? What's in that? Green tea. Pass.
You are insane! Why? Look, you like what you like, I like what I like. So biggie? It is a biggie, okay? Because we are best friends.
No. Some would even say twin detectives. No one has said that. So if you don't like what I like, what are we even going to talk about? Not ice cream? It seems pretty easy to find something else.
Bite your tongue! Witch! He's a witch! We have a witch in town! Hey, hey, hey! Come over! We have a witch in our mind! Okay, right! Witch!
Most people do enjoy getting ice cream, so you would think it'd be a safe bet as a thing to bond over, and I'm not giving you that. But I swear to God, we can do literally anything else. Want to get coffee? Oh, no, I don't drink caffeine.
You are driving me insane! Just like the same things as me! Why? Because it makes things easier for me personally.
Just because we don't like the same thing does not make me a worse friend. Or even mean that we have nothing in common. We both like Frasier.
True. And ramen and dogs and shitting on trap. What?
And museums and bowling. And cooking and traveling. And hiking and zoos. And partying and dancing.
And books and TV and movies. I don't really like movies that much. I don't know, I'm more of a TV person. That doesn't mean that you have to not like movies.
Come on, I like what I like. You like what you like. It's just like you said.
No! That was some bullshit that I was saying when we were talking about your dumb ass shit. You don't like all movies? I don't know.
Scorsese. Hm. Duverne. She seems super cool. Kubrick. More like Kubrick. Spike Lee. It's like an adverb? Spielberg. Who is she?
Witch! She's a witch!
Yikes-town! Okay, who wants to get ice cream? I can't. I gotta leave early. I'm going to a movie and I'm gonna go get seats. Grant! |
TheOnion | Inspiring_Woman_Becomes_Professional_Surfer_Despite_Shark_Biting_Head_Off | A new study has found that LSD can be highly effective at ruining your nephew's baptism. New research published by Yale University has found that using just one tab of LSD helped subjects begin completely destroying their nephew's baptism ceremony and making everyone uncomfortable. Study participants claimed that after being given LSD, they felt their minds being opened up to the possibility of trying to drown the priest in the baptismal font after screaming that he was secretly a lizard. Researchers have noted that these results show huge potential for humanity's future of running between church pews naked while claiming to be the incarnation of Satan. Scientists are particularly excited about where these findings could take us, with some research suggesting that LSD could help ruin the baptisms of nieces and even random unrelated children as well.
Cool.
My worst experience was the one time a person I didn't know got in my car. I had never even met the person before and they just jumped right into the backseat. It was terrible. The backseat drivers are the worst.
The ones who are all, this isn't the way to my house. Or where are you taking me? Or why did you drive us so deep into the woods?
My wife ordered a ride and then wrote a review where she asked for a divorce. This one lady wouldn't stop complaining about the trunk size when I tied them up inside there. It's like hey if I could afford a bigger trunk I would get one.
Thanks a lot. This couple started smoking meth in the backseat. I'm still not sure how they found my stash. Definitely the time I got murdered. And they barely even tipped. |
cracked | swaim_gets_fired_agents_of_cracked_episode_13 | Hello, welcome. Thanks for checking in to the agents of Cracked Craterion Collection in HD Stick around and watch the whole episode and then afterwards we'll share anecdotes behind the scenes things there will be giveaways They will not there will not be a single giveaway There will be one there'll be one giveaway Well as soon as the boys down at the lab analyzed the latest samples will have plenty for a full list So I'm not even worried Terrific. Thanks a bunch All right What the fuck what the hell man what the hell Michael, what are you even doing down there? Nothing, obviously, huh? these Never know when you're gonna wake up boning really should Huh, they say I don't have those on the East Coast what desk traps women heard you guys use possum You finish your column finish it dude, I don't even know where my desk is great Well, it's running in 11 hours, but don't sweat it too much clearly not On the plus side My article is going up tomorrow You gotta say wait you write for crack to to yeah, that's all I do Michael I and anyway tomorrow's article is pretty strong.
I've been running this double blind experiment for two months now I've been monitoring sleep patterns. I've been been taking blood tests.
Wait a minute Stop talking for a second. Yeah I'm sorry. Were you gonna talk?
No, what? No, brilliant.
Well, all I'm saying is if you just phone in your article tomorrow, I don't so you write for crack Dot-com just go write your comment. Nope You've got to be kidding me What's going on here? That's our traffic for today those were our articles we couldn't get that on a spreadsheet Wasn't even that appropriate how do we even get that information someone just counter something Christ? You should ignore that actually the batteries are low when did you even write your call did I write one? Huh, oh me I guess I did have to be Hour before it ran I guess Looks like it did pretty good. Oh, and you've got an article that was on the site Hey, oh T-bone are you sure it's that low? Are you calling me a liar? No, sir? Oh Hey Michael heard about the great article want to grab drinks later, whatever Mandy, did you get that?
Well, I'm gonna go write my next article No Please I Just just please stop looking at me. Just wish you wouldn't look at me Every day Everything is so damn easy for them We'll see if a little prank won't change that won't we? Yeah Well, well, well, mr.
Highest rated article, did you the hell? T-bone, what's what are you doing here? Oh you haven't heard I Sit here now.
Mike was fired fired. Was it because of my prank? Enjoy going out with Mandy without pants That was a prank did you know I was born with a third testicle no But that makes total sense. It was a conscious decision made while in the womb I found the two testicles provided weren't roomy enough for my purpose man first woman. I ever made love to was unkind She mocked me. I Was eight years old.
I was devastated and you know what I did Michael I took a corkscrew sure slowly. I removed the supplementary test That has got to be the worst tool to use for that but keep going boss You are flying and I ate it She didn't laugh then Michael. Oh, no She didn't laugh. Yep Your anecdotes giving me a heart attack Well, Dan Michael was fired because he was secretly faxing information to our competitor broke calm Michael.
I know it's hard to believe right? Here's a spy all this time. We're so that he could operate a fax machine, but yeah that too. I guess I've got to Gotta see about this.
Hey, could you take something with you? What I'm saying Michael is that you betrayed me But more than that you made a fool of me and the last thing that made a fool of me was removed and devoured Now get out of my office Wait a second. You're fired turn in your badge and gun what I Never want to see you again Understood Michael I guess you got what you wanted, huh? I'm leaving and you'll be the big star Is it true Michael? You've changed I'm leaving whatever If you ever wanted to talk about it, I'm a really good listener Just together enough for that really Michael why why'd you do it?
Maybe no reason maybe every reason there is But know this Daniel. I did what I did not for cracked or even for broken But for a code a man has to have a code Daniel and mine goes up up down down left right a I'm sorry Up up down just me. I think I recorded it My personal code by Michael Swain up down wait up Classic vintage me seriously Michael. What are you gonna do? I'm going full ronin on this one a wander from town to town starting my own multinational humor outlets That is a big process, and I don't think you're qualified for any Any one aspect of it. I don't believe there is a single step that you can handle Do you even have a place to stay I've got a few places in mind I changed the locks on my part Why would you all right? Fuck fuck no, it's fine remember Daniel the sky is only as high as your ambition I'll see you in space Dan.
I'm sorry about what I did to your pants Not this way. I sit here now Thought we went through this hey t-bone. Sorry.
It's just Mike couldn't be a spy. I just don't believe it He said he said broken calm not broke alright, and and I know he just has a natural trouble with words sometimes, but this feels It's been a week probably done anything but mope around this office your articles are late I Hate to say it damn, but I think you gotta let this one go Let it go Dan Chief I need to talk to you about Michael Michael's no longer with us I know and I think it's a mistake. I just don't believe soft hole fill these coasts brain didn't understand No one's seen him for days. What he's presumed dead Are you surprised? I'm pretty sure he learned how to eat by watching you listen, Dan Get the fuck out of my office Is this you are you are you doing this it's just gonna get worse Holy shit What the hell happened the chief there's a sorcerer And I think Michael might be dead Who a good weekend?
Guys ready for bonus round bonus round Dan how do you feel about agent so much? I? I'm against it sway. Do you guys say that after set sure we are right now right this counts right hey How do you feel about directing but not getting all the attention the other guys did I really wish I could be one of them instead Of me then what's your favorite episode any of them none of them. I haven't seen the show Where do you get your ideas when I take the plots of famous movies, and I reverse the order of events Where are more after hours coming out? Fuck you. Yeah, that's mean soon though. We're working on them. I know take a while There's only so many very hard day so many after hours in a day. I'm doing this right now Do you guys want to hang out after this yeah, let's watch something Dan said no, so no you don't want to hang out with just me Yeah, Mike |
dropout | awesome_truck_commercial | Okay, chances are if you own a pickup truck, you're not using it to drive to the grocer's mark to pick up granny snacks for the senior's home. You work for a living, and you need a truck that wants to do an honest day's work. Ta-da! The Fert Fteen Thousand. The only truck on the market would chest hair upholstery and a beard in the glove box, just in case you lose yours. What would you say to a truck built to carry up to 18 other trucks? You'd probably say, gahhh, cause that's what an orgasm sounds like. Wanna move a box of knickknacks to your college house?
Put it in a sedan. Then put that sedan in the back of your Fert Fteen Thousand and tow it to a cliff. Set it on fire and give it a push.
One less knickknack. Guess what? You just grew a third ball.
So you're driving onto the beach to enjoy a day in the sun with your family and your kids see a beached whale. Who's driving that whale back into the ocean? Without those other trucks, they couldn't tow a salmon upstream. But the Fert Fteen Thousand can not only tow that whale back to sea, you can fill it with water and give that whale new home. Guess what? Your truck's a whale home now.
Pretty cool, right? Wrong. Really cool.
You just grew a fourth ball. You wanna drop a bale of hay into the back of this truck?
Snore. Boring.
Why not drop something bigger? Like a bale of horses. Don't think the Fert Fteen Thousand can handle it?
That's cause you're an idiot. Oh and guess who's eating horses tonight? That's right. The whale.
The Fert Fteen Thousand isn't even technically a truck. The US government classified it as eight tanks.
Yeah, whatever. Words. We've all heard the expression that truck is as big as a house. Well get ready for a new expression.
That truck has a whale in it. And that whale just ate a horse. And that horse was as big as a house.
Don't be a nimby. Get yours at your local Fert dealership today. The sale starts in trucktober and extends to truckvember. You won't see another sale this good until at least next truck you area or charge. The Fert Fteen Thousand.
Get it then get yourself a license plate that says eight ball. Cause you're gonna have eight balls. |
dropout | billy_crystal_and_john_goodman_meet_their_monsters | Good to see you. It's good to see you too.
It's 12 years. No kidding. It's 12 years. The first one came out in 2001.
Thanks for having us, Bob. Yeah. Monsters U, big movie, very exciting. When I heard it was going to be a prequel. Yeah. What did we look like back then? Yes. That's really fun. We are very excited to show you these. Our animation department has made great strides since the first movie. This is Sully, of course. Hey. They've got everything. You look taller and thinner. Yeah. I wish I could do that.
We're especially proud of what we've done with the Mike character. We've totally revamped it.
I don't want to brag, but it's about 300% scarier. What do you mean, scarier? Scarier.
Yeah. Well, that's not... First of all, is this a joke? You're joking, right? Yeah.
Because that's sort of me as the Incredible Hulk. I can't believe you got it. Are you kidding me? Nailed. This is scary to you? I can't get it out of my head right now. I know. Every time I look at it, goosebumps. What? Should we show him the head to toe?
Yes. No. Boom. Okay. No, that's not...
Look. This is Mike. Here. This. This is Mike. Picture an eye. That's me.
That's a beanbag. Do you want a beanbag?
Hey, John. Is this scary? Whoo.
Not. But that's scary to you. He's younger now. Yeah. This is a prequel.
I got scared just drooling it. You're the one who drew this? I couldn't sleep for a week.
What's wrong with you? Oh. Hello, God. I don't even know what to say.
You know who actually loves this? Kids. You've tasted this. It has gone amazing with focus groups.
Well, that's terrifying. They said that it was, and I quote, "...chilling, pants-weddingly scary and deeply terrifying."
Actually, my daughter's in the demographic.
Sweetie, can we get some feedback? What? What is it? Oh, God. I don't get this. What about when we get some lunch? Are you nuts? Oh, God.
We got to make this right. We just have to start over.
I mean, I don't understand this. Wow. I honestly didn't expect this much pushback from you.
Well, the pushing hasn't started yet. That'll come. And then there'll be a lot of shoving, and then probably a lot of suing.
What if I told you we already made the movie? How could it be made? We haven't done our voices yet. We just used dialogue from other movies you guys did?
Mostly city slickers. Lots of slickers.
I'm on vacation!
At Monsters University. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_californians_stuart_has_cancer_dress_rehearsal_snl | Next on, the Californians. I'm glad you came over, Java. yeah, I'm glad, too. maybe you should get going before stericuts ham. probably right. I was thinking I'd take Canyon View Driver to San Vicente and then make a left and get on the 405 north from there, and then I could just get off on Mulholland. I totally like that. Yeah. hey, honey. I brought us some tangerines. this guy was selling them on the off-ramp Everybody to, too. Devon? good evening, here. sure.
Why are you home so early? I skipped Wilshire and took Beverly over to Santa Monica and then took that all the way up. Aw, history. yeah, I just came over to fix the outside speakers on your patio. this ain't a thing. it sounds pretty sweet. how was work? I think you should get home now, Devon. there's nothing going on, sure. I should get home. get back on San Vicente, take it to the 10, then switch to the 4th. 4th and 5th. north and then it's up here. off to Mulholland where you belong. Sure. at this time of day, it's going to jump. Are you crazy? Just get on the 10 and get out of here.
I can't look forward to this. Thanks for helping me put away these sun-dried tomatoes on this clay ball. good. I'm the guy with the jacuzzi.
Mr. Stewart, a doctor is here to see you. doctor? good reading here. you don't make house calls. Well, I was in the area and I thought I'd drop by to talk to you about your test results. And I tried to go through Westwood, but my Gps put me on Beverly Glen. and I didn't want to end up in Encino.
Anyway, I need for you to sit down, Stewart. it'd be awesome. Okay, well, let's go sit on these Mexican country-style chairs.
Holy. thanks. So, um. Oh, whoa. uh, you have cancer, dude. are you serious? Holy, don't even worry, because there's a good treatment center in Marina Del Rey. there's lots of street parking, but if not, there's like a coffee being right across the street that validates. I live right by there, so that's how I know. all the way on the other side of the tent. it's almost Long Beach. Stewart. look at that. you can chill, ass.
I know we're short cut through else-. take the 1-5 west and exit on Culver. when you see the Zancu chicken on the left, turn right. take Venice and follow it all the way down. then you're in Marina Del Rey. Karina, how do you do so much about Marina del Rey? the Californians. Karina, this nachos are incredible.
Tre? Tre! Tre? Mr. Tre? it's Me. Tre, What are you doing here? you're supposed to be at the Chino Correctional Center in California.
Well, I escaped. I ran down an on-ramp and hauled ass across the five. And then I hitched a ride on the back of a taco truck down to where the 101, like, meets the 10, right? And then I told the driver, like, yo, hang a ride on that harbor and drop me off on the sunset, man. by your window!
Yeah, it's right by his bungalow. how do you know where he lives? The Californians. right now, on Saturday. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_roger_hailes | The name is Roger Hale, and please give him a warm welcome. Happy to be here. Are you guys excited about this new president we have? I think I am. I'm very excited also, I'll be honest, that George Bush is gone. That's equally as exciting.
I don't know if any of you guys saw his last press conference, but it was hilarious. And they would ask him like, you ruined this, you ruined that, and he'd be like, nope, no I didn't. And the Iraq war, his defense of the Iraq war was the best. He was like, I think time will prove us right. Which to me is such bullshit. It's like walking into somebody's house. It's like pissing all over the floor. And he's like, this will all make sense once I leave. Just wait until I get out of here. You guys are going to laugh.
I'm trying to get my dad to go for Obama. My dad lives in Virginia, so that would have been a good vote, but he wouldn't do it. He was like, what do we even know about Obama?
He's a good public speaker, but you know who else is a good public speaker? Hitler. He's like, well, A, Obama's not Hitler. And B, I've seen Hitler's speech, everybody says he was not a good public speaker. You know, I mean he had that punchy delivery, but he was not a good public speaker.
You want to know why? Content. His content was insane. That's why he's saying, you know who really gets fashion, you know who gets it? Flavor Flav.
So what do you guys do when your computer freezes up? You send in the error report?
No? You're laughing. No?
Man, I send that in immediately. It's like, in my head, it's like, you've got a damn right to want to file a report. This is going to cost somebody his job. You have to file a full error report, heads are going to roll. That's if I'm like looking at a regular weapon. If I'm looking at a porn site, it's like, well, you need to send a report. All right, that's the out of time. Thank you guys so much for coming. |
dropout | a_car_that_won_t_play_the_first_song_in_your_phone | Hello, and welcome to the College Humor podcast. This is a podcast where the cast of College Humor, we're just going to kind of hang out, fuck around, play some games, talk about some sketches.
You know, just sort of hang with you a little bit. If you are listening to this and not seeing any video, not seeing the cool thing that Lily is wearing, you can watch it on CH2. If you're watching this on CH2, you can watch it on Dropout a week earlier. So those are all the places you can enjoy the content that we're shoveling into your eyes right now. Joining us today, two very special guests, and one less special guest.
I'm always very numb.
We have our two brand new cast members. To my left, we have... I'm immediately throwing you under the bus, and it's like, why won't he say anything? And to my far right, we have... And returning, we have...
The old and broken, dusty, busted... He's super busted up right now.
I'm Agent J, you're Agent K. He makes this look good. I'm Tommy Lee Jones, fuck yeah, great.
Well yeah, so new to College Humor, but also new to LA. We would normally just kind of chat about what's going on in our lives right now. But you two probably have the biggest change going on in your lives, because you moved across the country to start a brand new job and meet a bunch of brand new people.
So I don't know. How's that going? I mean, pretty good so far.
I'm liking LA a lot. Yeah, I don't want to try and convince anyone of anything, but I love it here. I love it.
When can you say New Love?
New York sucks. It helps to move here when in life... We're going to slowly outnumber Brennan, all the people who are here. Yes, we're all former New Yorkers. It's true. Yeah, we all got the hell out of it. I had to get out of it. All very sadly departed the better city. Yes, I agree. Yeah, I do think it helps to come here when it is blisteringly cold in New York, and they come here and the flowers are blooming.
I also think New York slowly wore me down. And if I'd only done one or two years there and moved out, I'd be like, oh, I miss the big city. But now I'm like, it is a hellhole where the subway never works, and I eat rats for dinner.
I'm so sorry, but this feels like a cruel prank. He's doing brought you on here for this particular one, yeah. We punked you. I mean, there is the feeling when the subway is so hot in the summer, when sweat is dripping down your nose, you don't know when the next train will come.
I won't miss... There are a lot of things I won't miss.
Don't you kind of like the grit, Theo? It's important for everyone to recognize that this episode of the podcast is about welcoming Lily. And this is what we want to do with our time. And as someone who understands how exciting and fun this episode is as a result of that, I just want to say that I'm really glad that you guys are here in this city, Los Angeles, and my feelings on all the wrong things you're saying are well-documented in a Canon College Humor sketch. Canon! Thank you, Brennan.
What about Dwayne Reed?
God, I'm so glad I don't have to go to those.
What are the non-Cannon College Humor sketches? I would say... It would be very funny to just immediately now declare some sketch like, yeah, none of this ever actually happened. Hello, my name is with Josh Rubin is explicitly within the text of the video him playing a character. So I would say that those characters are in fact non-Cannon. It doesn't exist within the universe.
Wow. Lore.
You heard it here first. There you go. No, you guys are wrong.
The amenities that are provided by it are, of course, staggering to the quality of life of in fact the vast majority of humans that have ever lived on the planet. I think you can live a good life in New York. You just have to be very rich and not a participant in the gig economy. If you have to take the subway six times a day and it is broken down every single time, it is hell on earth.
Unless you recognize... You defend that. Unless you recognize that you yourself are bad and deserve that life.
Oh, yes. Yes, that's a big difference. So it's a city for shitty people, yes. Or a city for people that have the humility and spiritual acumen to understand that not everything in life is supposed to be comfortable. That's true.
Now, how long were you both there? I was there for five years. I was there for eight years.
Okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. I was there for five before it ground me down. Yeah. There you go.
I feel bad. I think there's going to be a lot of... No.
I get to walk out of here understanding that my spirit is neither brittle nor weak. So that's fine for me. It didn't grind me down. I was happy living in New York. And then I just got... I was like, oh, I'm happy you're living in LA too.
I had not felt like I didn't like it until I left last summer for a theater festival for two months. I hadn't left for longer than 10 days. And that's when I was like, I have Stockholm syndrome. I had a similar experience where it was like every year. I needed a little bit less time before I was like, I just got to get out of the city a little bit. And yeah, I was just kind of getting out.
I flew back to New York in the middle of a blizzard and stepped into a two foot deep puddle as sleet and hail was coming in at less than a 45 degree angle, horizontal, cutting into my eyes and face. And I screamed into the wind and it was so loud in the city that no one could hear me and I've never felt more alive.
God, no, this is exactly what is wrong. Is that character building? No, no, no. No, it's good. It's good and right.
And basing your life around what makes you comfortable is a soporific that is eventually going to leech all of your spiritual strength. We've had this conversation before, but I will say like, this is the thing that drives me crazy the most is this, because I wouldn't take up the position that I do of the big two middle fingers thrust fully up towards New York if it weren't for the fact that so many people were constantly telling me how great the city is. It's like, that is what drives me crazy. It's like, I've lived a lot of different places and they're mostly, for the most part, they're all fine and it's just as fine and anyone insisting it's like, nah, this is the best. It's like, I'm going to push back just as hard in the other direction now.
I have to. I must. My New York spirit animal is me eating a bodega sandwich on the subway crouched in the corner because there are no seats and I can't stand for that long.
Yeah, that's great. I mean, I do miss that. Like I'm walking 20 blocks and I'm eating like a sandwich or like a slice of pizza while I'm like maneuvering my way around towards like, it's cool to live in New York for a long time and be like, I know how to live here. And like, I know exactly what's the best route to take. And if you're like with someone who's visiting, you're like, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be like eight blocks ahead of you while you're like getting mowed down by tourists. Like that is a good feeling to feel like mastery of mastery over the city. Yeah. I mean, there's a reason that there's an expression. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. And I think anyone who's ever played a video game on hard mode understands the bet, the joy of living in New York. That's how I feel. I feel walking around here, like New York has trained me to like, not to like have a sixth sense of where dog shit is. Yeah.
And I can, and it's, there's a lot of dog shit in that. I, when I moved here, I was like, oh, this is why Sublime was always singing about dog shit. Like that popped up a lot in their songs.
And I never, never fully connected.
Why? So you guys are here now, which is really exciting. Uh, what, so, wait, so, so I think the fans at home will want to know, walk us through the idea of you guys, cause you guys applied for the job. There's a couple of rounds of whatever. What was it like getting the call? Because, because both of you guys had gotten similar calls for UCB stuff. Cause you guys are both UCB people as well. Yes. Um, so talk me through like what that, what would that look like?
That would, that joyous occasion that only could happen in New York. I really can only happen there. You can't get calls anywhere else. No, never anywhere else.
I, for me, like, uh, my order of like how to feel was first, like excitement immediately got subsumed by dread of like doing the entire move. So when I, I was a coward. And when Sam called me, I was like, Oh, I see a California number. I like, didn't pick it up. The truth comes out. And I, uh, my, my phone translates like audio into like voicemail. So you can see like the transcript and stuff. So I saw like the transcript of it and I called Sam back and the entire time he was like, so excited to offer me the position. I had my like head against a window.
Just like, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm so excited.
I'd talk over with my girlfriend and, uh, and discuss it with her. So I didn't accept immediately like some hours later, but it was just that dread of like, how do I move and all my stuff and where do I go? And how do I do it?
Yeah, for sure. Um, I, and also I think I had emailed cause they're like the call will come this week. And then it was like Thursday and I was like, is it coming? And they're like, we'll let you know early next week. And that allowed me to finally relax, but then it came on Friday and I had just, my boyfriend and I had just moved in together into a new apartment.
Um, him one month before me, like one week before, uh, cause I just had not expected to get an interview for this job. Cause you just can't like make plans around like jobs you might not get. Um, cause you usually don't get them.
And so then I got the call and, um, unlike Teo who respects his partner, I said, yes, immediately. Also my boyfriend and I had discussed before, but I was like, I don't even have a conversation. I already know the answer. We had already discussed that if I got this, I was going to take it.
Uh, and, and so I, yeah, I, I was surprised. I wasn't expecting that call that day. And then I got it and they wouldn't tell me who the other person they hire yet. Cause I was the first person they'd call. So I didn't know who else. I didn't know his tail until later.
When I, when I like asked Rekha, you two knew each other. Yes, yes.
Um, so I was surprised too, but I was not nearly as proactive as you. And I didn't email when I didn't get like a call by like Thursday. And I had made peace with the fact that I didn't get it. I got an email or I can't stop thinking, I need to know what's the deal. I felt so calm. I was like, I didn't get it.
It's fine. And I had told my girlfriend the night before, like, I didn't probably didn't get it. It's fine. Like I'm happy with it.
And then I get to get the calls like, Oh no, I got all that work now. Now you, you mentioned that you mentioned that you're, um, uh, you look, you're scanning that area code. You mentioned that your, your voicemail, uh, transcribes things. There's been a couple of things that you're like, are you like a gadget, like into gadgets and gizmos and huge gadget guy. My Android phone now does screen calls where it doesn't pick up or it does pick up and it just goes, hi, this person is using like, uh, and like Google screen callings for like telemarketers. They actually call you.
And then they'll, so that's what plays. And then I see a transfer of that entire conversation. If it happens, it's great.
I feel like it was like immediately sort of like, it's a cool, good show and it's like, I'm already in. And you know, I'm using all the little shortcuts. I'm in the main frame of Slack. But you hacked into the company Slack, it's incredible. Uh, well, it's so funny cause I think I'm like good at technology because I went to like a computer science, like magnet middle school and like everyone like learned how to code when they were really young and stuff. But then when I actually get into an office, a setting that I'm not comfortable or familiar and I'm immediately like, tail, how do I set up my printer, how do I log in to the main frame, I need to get into the main frame to get the data. Yeah.
I'm looking at the discord bots and how to make them because I will probably will make one maybe this weekend. Honestly, we, we used to have, and when I say we, I mean the cast, um, uh, and we used to have, um, bot privileges on Slack. And I think mainly we had bought privilege because like no one had thought to turn it off, but of course, like we're a bunch of idiots. And so we just immediately made like 20 different bots, not realizing that they were active across the entire, and I remember, um, Murph made a bot that anytime someone, someone typed either, um, LOL or ha ha ha, the bot would, would come in and it had like one of five different, um, like responses that were basically in the realm of like, Hey, keeping it light. So there was like some shitty, like basically like a shitty middle manager bot who was there. Like anytime someone told a joke and somebody reacted to it, it was just like, yeah, we're all having fun here. It was like, like two hours after that bot was made. It was like, it was like, Oh, we can't make bots anymore. It was like, yeah, we are having an important conversation in this other channel and this, this fucking bot kept chiming.
Okay. Well, if it's so important, why are you LOL? Why are you laughing? That's a great point. Stay on point. I guess they're just keeping it light. Yeah, you gave a bunch of comedians access to be able to like, write like simple word bots and just like respond with bad punch points to any texts. Okay. Yeah.
What could go wrong? I, this is something I said in a writer's meeting a couple of months ago. I think that our fans, the college humor fans would riot and, and truly overthrow the company if they knew what makes us laugh for sure. Because the, the things that are funny to us in the writer's room versus the crafted professional comedy that goes out on the channel, it, we're the stupidest people in the world.
It's like, uh, it's like, like being addicted to, to, to something like just need like the next biggest highest kick. So I feel like the stuff that like makes us laugh now are the things that just like break all the rules. It's not even recognizable as a joke. It's just like, uh, it's just someone's doing or saying something incredibly. So we're just like, that's so bad. I love it.
I remember like one of my, the last shows I did on Harold night in New York before moving out to LA, uh, or city, uh, barely a city, uh, just sort of a sprawl, but the important thing is, I mean, it's a nice suburb, I guess, but the important thing is, uh, you know, if you want to get into the place, so the important thing I think is that, uh, looking at like this last show that was happening. So one of the last couple of shows and I just, at a certain point, it's like, well, if I do bad comedy, what's going to happen when I get cut? I'm already stepping down.
And so I went into a scene, it was like some group game and I went out and just started going like, and then someone was like, what? And I went, I'm the bird sheriff. Yes, I'd laugh at that because like, I don't expect, I expect you guys to like start flocking and being birds. That's what I laughed at.
It's so stupid.
Mike Kelton came up to me afterwards and was like, that's my favorite thing you've ever done. But when it did have happening was, it was a funny element of like, so, so, you know, all of us study at UCB. We all know the idea of game, right?
And like baseline reality versus unusual thing. And in an average sketch, your baseline reality is some part of normal lived human experience and your unusual thing is going to be something wacky that subverts that and you have a classic sketch, right? But to a comedian living in comedy day in and day out at a certain point, producing good comedy becomes your personal baseline reality. And therefore the introduction of an unusual thing could only be something staggeringly stupid.
And that becomes the funniest thing of all, because you're like, look at what bad comedy that is hilarious. And so you get bird sheriff material. Someone on the discord asked us to tail. And I got on yesterday for the first time and they were like, what's your sense of humor? And I was like, huh, the kind of stuff I like is I think like, like V and satire and like, we said, you're the worst ones. And it's like dark comedy, smart, whatever the stuff that I myself like, it's just a guy getting punched in the dick and balls over and over again. So something about people in person and it's so childish, but like when someone is just suffering in front of me and they know it's going to happen, I laugh so hard. Just like making my roommates taste a bad spice or something. That's funny.
There is a feeling that like jackass will outlive anything we create. Yeah, well, it's so good for someone talking about how like, like Mr. Bean is like incredibly popular across like around the world. And it's like, it's like, it's all physical. No, like you can speak any language and it's like, you can see someone like.
Well, there's also a great old Zatina Fey quote from Bossy Pants where she goes something along the lines of like, of like is about what we're talking about of of the thick skin you develop as a comedian, where she's like, if you want to make an audience laugh, dress your biggest, your biggest, dumbest cast member guy up as a little old lady and throw him down a flight of stairs. If you want to make a comedy writer laugh, throw an old lady down a flight of stairs. No, that's funny. Make me laugh. Oh, she's not going to be OK. That was a Mr. Show sketch, right? Oh, like the clown who was an old lady came in like with a walker. Like, that's a crazy.
And it's just it's, you know, people may not understand me like, oh, that's awful to throw. And it's like, yeah, of course, I wouldn't want an old lady thrown down a flight of stairs, but it's just the thing of like any drug you start to develop a tolerance. And I would argue that even for non comedians, but people who are deeply immersed in comedy culture, that's a lot of what we see with memes that fly through windows of self reference over and over again until you see a funny meme online. And you're like, this will be indecipherable to sociologists.
I'm going to say 30 years from now. Absolutely. I would say 30 seconds.
I would say the amount of time it takes for like, like it's like it's like, oh, here's the meme. Here's 30 iterations of it. Here's the self referential version of it. Here's the backlash to it. Here's the just like off the wall Dada. Like nothing fucking matters version of it.
Certainly back to tech and gadgetry stuff. It actually was what initially sold me on an emotional level on the idea of the singularity because people will explain singularity to you and like computers will get to a point of self increasing adaptation that beggars belief and you're like, what? Computer can't get smart that fast, you know, like in your head.
And then you look at how memes evolve and change on the Internet. And you're like, oh, I start to get it. Like I start to get how these sort of fractal continuations of like something evolving where its own evolutions increase the rate at which it evolves. You're like, oh, I can see that happening with a fucking SpongeBob meme.
Let alone an actual super computer that's trying to increase its like computational ability. I mean, this is very nerdy. But last summer, I think there was like Google had a collaboration with this company like deep learn deep mine or something. Yeah. And they created a like a new form of like AI. It's like a neural network that learn the game go and like go is supposed to be one of these games that's like unsolvable, unsolvable from a brute force of just like figuring out all the different iterations of moves that could happen. Yeah, this like neural network was able to be like of, you know, one of the grand masters of go after like multiple games. And not only did like it beat him like many times, go like masters are like looking at the computer's moves and being like, oh, my God, we've like never seen this move before. Wow. Like this is like a new form of like this, like a new strategy that we've never like encountered.
And it's like that game is like 30 years old. That game is hundreds and hundreds of years.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Machines are just they have so much more computational power. Right.
But you like you look at that like and compare it with these sort of like new terminators type of apocalyptic sort of thing. It's like, oh, yeah, like the robots going to and like people and it's like, oh, yeah, what a what a flight of fancy. What a what a like how how would you like when you notice like something was going up and it's like this is happening at the same time as like Boston Dynamics is making like oh, jumping, just like like jumping and biting robots. It's like, hey, we made a new biting robot.
I didn't want to take a look at this. Why are you making a biting robot? Don't worry. How narcissistic to even think that they would like be interested in us and not just like create their own robot paradise.
Yeah.
I also love the idea of we're creating them to move in the ways that we move. Like so much effort has been on robots like walking. And it's interesting to think like what would a super intelligence design to design something capable of movement in the same way that it opened up new avenues of playing go. Maybe it's going to be a creature that moves in some insane unnatural way. I'm just getting psyched.
Well, that's why they have that. They do have that. Yeah. They have like the others are good.
No, you describe it like genetic simulations where it's like you have you give like a program like a goal. Just get to the other side as quickly as possible of like a flat terrain. And so it just uses a genetic algorithm to like all the ones that work. OK, like make it more like this and then all the ones that are bad just don't make it like that at all. And so then you start seeing like these weird like like movement patterns where it's just like they're just inching across or they're just like rolling on top of each other. Life of my Sims game is like the one that runs. And it's just like that. So the idea of like actually the most efficient way to get across the room is to slap your own ass with your feet as hard as possible and tumble forward.
Yeah, that's what a majestic creature. I see God all around us. Yes. It turns out efficiency is goofy as hell. Yeah, his ass slapping Gibbon is just funny. We're like, he's so fast.
Yes. We should probably move on to one of our other segments here. This is good. But this is fun. We're having a good time here. Why don't we do let's do Rejected Sketch Theater. Let's do Woohoo. Yeah. Exciting.
So we'll pass this out. This, you know, Teo and Lily, you haven't been here long enough to have a sketch rejected yet. Could be soon. Can we see it? Yeah, just wait. Could be today. This is a sketch I wrote that we did not get to make. And we'll see why very soon.
I can go ahead and I will read. There's not a whole lot of parts here to read, which is great. I'll read for the VO. Brendan, would you mind reading Stage? Teo, if you could read Man and Lily, if you could read Driver.
Great. I think that just about covers it. Great. Cool.
Exterior event space night.
What defines comfort? Is it Italian leather seats? Glamour shots of car seats man sits into them.
UV resistant sunroof. Sunroof opens up. A complete automated self-driving system.
A man leans back and presses the on button. Or is it? The car starts blasting music. In a perfect world, AB machines by sleigh bells. But I know that's not possible. The driver visibly startles. He fumbles for his phone.
Dammit. Shut up. No.
A car that won't play the first song in your music library every time you start the damn thing up. Pan over to reveal a second car. It looks like shit. Some Doof climbs in. The new Toyota silence. Doof plugs his cracked phone into the car.
He listens. Nothing happens. He smiles satisfied.
Because you used to like ABC by the Jackson 5, but now you've carried it every morning. Those first four bars are torture.
But at least you don't have to explain why Aaron's party starts playing when you turn the key. Doof adjusts the rear view mirror. It falls off. Or why you even have that song on your phone in the first place. Doof puts on sunglasses.
Toyota's silence will make you wonder why they even design cars any other way. And if there's a way to change that, then you'll spend a couple hours googling for some solution. Some way to make Vampire Weekend's A-Punk stop playing all the time. But you can't. Even if you delete your music library, it will just play your ringtones instead.
Doof drives away past the fancy man's car, music blasting out of it. We hold him to the fancy car. Inside, the man fiddles with his phone.
Oh, turn off. The man finally shuts off the music.
So get a Toyota silence, because a car shouldn't be able to ruin Toto's Africa for you. Oh my god. Why wasn't this made? Oh, just the cars? There's two cars, an off-site location.
The music writes for about four different famous pop songs. And yeah, I think that about covers it.
This would be the most expensive sketch to produce ever. And it's two pages long. We can't buy an Italian car for a two-page sketch?
Is that what I'm finding out now that I'm already in LA? Honestly, the music is probably more of an issue than the car is. But yeah, this was inspired by My Hell, which is that AB Machines by The Sleigh Bells plays every single time I turn my car on.
A song that bangs. It bangs. And it bangs a little too hard, because when it's like five in the morning and you're heading to set, the last thing you want to hear is this scream, like, pew, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
It's like, ah, fuck. It's a nightmare. And I know everyone's like, oh, you can make a track that's just a blank soundtrack that is titled AAAA. And it's like, people have these weird hacks to fix it. But I have this deep feeling, like, I shouldn't have to do this. It shouldn't be like this.
This was like the first song in your phone? Yeah, so if you are not used to driving, you may not be familiar with this. But if you, for a lot of, this is not an uncommon problem. A lot of modern cars will have a USB pickup or something when you can plug your phone in. And if you do, a lot of them will play the first song in your music library every time you plug in for the first time.
I've been in enough rental cars, minus even worse. I used to tour with UCB, so we'd be on the road in the car, if you use my phone for the map.
It starts playing a improv podcast interview with Aubra Tabak at AV. So all of a sudden, we're tired. And it's just someone getting interviewed about their improv experience. And we're like, a great person normally would love to hear it. But we're just like, no. It's all because there's that.
And I have that. And then it's not the next track, but three tracks later, I have a stand-up album on my phone. And there's a track on there labeled Abortion, which is then like, so it's like, cool.
I've got sleigh bells screaming at me. But you can't, I like sleigh bells, but I've grown to deeply hate this song because of hearing it so much.
And then to hear just years-old stand-up comedy about abortion is like, I can't do this. What's the deal with abortion?
It's really funny. I have never had this issue. But I think the idea of killing a song for yourself is very relatable. And I used to have music ringtones. And that is a fucking mistake.
Because the truth is, every phone call is bad. And with the exception of the two we just talked about earlier on the podcast, which were good phone calls. But for the most part, when you get a phone call, it's like, oh, if this is not a text, I don't know if this is maybe a weird anxiety of mine. There's a lot of bad phone calls to get. And so you're sitting there, and you see your phone, you start going, and you're like, oh, it's a fucking debt collector. Or like, oh, I'm late, and someone's calling to check in where I'm like, fuck, this is stressful.
And it doesn't help if it's like, why do you bear me up? And you're like, I'm fucked. This is so bad. You just develop a negative association with something that used to bring you joy. But then ringtones are also generic. So I ruined a song for me. And I'm still ruining it.
I'm deep into year three, and I will not change it.
So I have my regular wake up alarm in the morning. So then I have a backup alarm five minutes later that is a song, because then I would recognize it. And I thought I might enjoy it, and like waking up to it. And all the ringtones sound like, but that's my, when I hear that, it sounds like you need to be getting up to recognize that.
And I was looking for a song with a really twangy, loud opening. So something like Slay Bells would actually be great. But so many songs have like such a slow intro. And so I used Formation by Beyonce, a very culturally significant, important song.
But it starts with like, dah, dah, dah, dah, it like twangs. And now when I- This one twangs. It twangs. That's on twangs.
Now when I hear it outside in the world, I'm like, it's time to get up. I gotta get out of bed. Alarms are like the word, because it's like, oh now I have, this music's become so deeply associated with the feeling of being both panicked, groggy, and maybe a little nauseous. Yeah.
Here are the songs that I ruined for myself. I had a suite of alarm songs. Songs I ruined, I used to work as a PA, and we'd have to get up at unconscionable hours of the morning. Blackbird by the Beatles is ruined for me.
That was my pre, if I had to wake up pre-dawn, I would use Blackbird, because it was- It was like pretty soft. Pretty soft. And then I started the little guitar, Blackbird singing in the dead of night, and I appreciated a little bit the like, oh, it is the dead of night, and I have to be awake.
And that one was one. You were right.
What about 1,000 times? It's about 1,000 times, and then I did Circle of Life from The Lion King.
It was like around sunrise. No, seven! Like the sun going up, because that felt fun to me.
The other one that was funny when I was very miserable at a long-term job was Put Your Little Hand in Mine, which I edited to start at the moment it starts in Groundhog's Day. So I was like, put your little hand in mine, Sonny and Cher.
Two on the nose. I know, that was, yeah, very, very on the nose wake-up songs.
I feel like you have to pick, almost have to pick a song that you already kind of hate, so that you can't, because I'm a little sadder now learning that Circle of Life is a song that you can't listen to anymore. That makes me a little sad.
When my mom would call, and they'd always be like, they're just not fun calls. They're always like long, too long. She's berating me.
It was set to, I forget the name of the song. I think it's like, it's the viola part by John Cage in Velvet Underground and Nico. It's like Black Sabbath's Death Song or something. Like Black Angel Death Song. That song, I still like it.
I'm so into it. You can tell me, do you have any songs? I've been only on Vibrate for the last couple of years, and it's honestly the best thing I've ever done.
I just have it underneath my head and I just go zzzz, and I wake up. Wait, what? Is your phone under your pillow?
Yeah. That went from reasonable to insane in literally. Yeah. That wakes you up.
Because I was thinking, I was like, well, I guess I, I have my phone on Vibrate, too. I was like, but I do still have sound for my alarm. I feel like I'd be very afraid of like. I put my fucking massive head on my fucking most expensive alarm every night.
It's made of glass. I also, I have a, I would say, maybe an addiction to YouTube where it's the only thing, not the only thing, but it helps me fall asleep. YouTube.
Yeah, so I'm just, I get sleepy and I just go slide underneath my pillow. Are you a very light sleeper? No, I'm a pretty heavy sleeper.
Cause in college, I bought an alarm clock that deaf or hard of hearing people use. And it has an attachable vibrating part. It's like a little round lock and it like shakes your fucking bed.
Oh, yes. And I put that under my bed. I sleep right through it, like a little baby. I was like. Wow. Yeah. Mm. Yeah. Wow. It's just a little massage. Yeah.
Yeah, I will watch minutes of YouTube. What are you watching to put yourself to sleep?
Usually video essays. Usually people explaining things to them. Video essays?
Like the kind of thing it's like, it's like, oh, here's how, here's how like a comet's orbit, where there's some like. Yes, it's like, here's like a, like film analysis. I will log any sort of film analysis. It's not like on YouTube, not like a podcast. You have to like see. No, I like to see it. And it's like short and condensed. It's like a nine minute, like, it's like a nine, you know, a seven minute video and they're like, here's why Wes Anderson is bad.
I'm all over that. Are you still watching this at double speed? Because Teo was the first person I saw who watches his YouTube videos sped up. I do watch that sometimes. What the fuck is going on right now? I've heard of people doing this.
And I do think, I think it's psychotic. Psychotic.
I watch the, almost all of Ex Machina at like 1.2. 2.2 or 1.3. You ruined what it was meant to be. I don't do it all the time, but I did do it for Ex Machina.
Do you fucking inject lunch into your aorta? Like, would you fucking like quit? Oh, let's just take all the art and fucking get into my fucking head as fast as I can.
Too much content and you got to get it all. So you can't get it all.
There's so much like, like thought and care put into like how, like, especially like. Yes. Like, it's like, we're going to like, we're going to like, let this moment play a little longer. We're going to like, like we want you to feel it. You want to sit in it. And I was like, maybe, cause we should be paying more attention to this stuff going on on the screen. And like the thought of someone just being like, nah, fuck this.
Speed it up.
Cause I go, I get it. Yeah, they're isolated. I get it. No, it's about so much more than that.
You're enjoying art as the same experience as like being at the last 30 minutes when you're in a museum. You know what you're like, what's this room?
Okay, cool. There's paintings on the wall. Great. Got to go. Do you have you going to the Louvre and being like, cool, I'm going to hop on a fucking Kawasaki and just slam through a river room going fucking 80 miles an hour. Like, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it. And she's smiling. It's enigmatic. Cool. The raft is sinking. Cool. That is how I go to museums. As I go, yeah. What is the point?
But here's the other thing too, is what you are effectively, cause playing something at twice speed. I hear people will listen to a podcast at like 125. Two times speed means that you're like, time to nuzzle down for restful sleep. And then you put on someone and I'm like, I'm just like shooting light and high pitched gibberish into your sensory apparatus. It's the craziest thing I've ever fucking heard. To go to sleep to a high speed, high pitched explanation of why Wes Anderson sucks.
It's funny. It's very calm. This is my lullaby. I watch something like that. I can't go to sleep for two days. I'm amped.
One of the things, to me, that would be, I have a trap with those YouTube videos because I can't watch anyone talk about anything they're excited about and not get hooked. Like if someone's talking about like, here's the, you know, if someone's like the history of ball bearings and there's like, okay, here's what you gotta know about ball bearings.
I'm like, in. I'm like, I'm locked in. And I'm learning the whole time until my brain goes, all right, time to go to sleep and then I just calm down. Many times I'm like, hell. So your brain says you've worn us down. We have to shut down. I'm bored, I'm bored. I've like, most of my times like held my phone like this and like, it's completely falling on my head. Like, oh my God. And then that wakes me up.
You gotta get a little phone kiss with a little ring on it. I need a. I hold it. Yes. You need a headband. Honestly, yeah, I'm gonna get one of those clips for my bed and just have it.
So it's like this. No, is your girlfriend okay with this being here? Not to get too personal, I guess. No, she's okay with it. It actually helps her fall asleep. So.
The sound of the phone hitting your head. The chipmunks covering why Michael Bay sucks.
Put service. And this is what she's told me. I haven't like, I've always asked like, is this okay? Are you able to go to sleep? And yeah, it works.
I used to suffer from insomnia. I would stay awake for like a day or a couple days at a time when I was in my like late teens, early 20s. And I, the like, sometimes I would do it to go to, because I was like, oh, it's so hard to go to sleep unless I'm demolished. Unless I'm fucked up, I can't quite do it. But now I just like, I can't watch anything because the light fucks up my circadian rhythm. So what I do is I turn off all the lights and just like brute force start dreaming.
So what I'll do is like, look, I'll just lie down and be like, okay, dreaming is what you do when you're asleep, so if we just start dreaming, ipso facto, we'll go to sleep. So I'll be like, okay, what's some crazy shit? I'm on a raft, on a river, made of lava, and there's a fucking trail. So you're imagining what you're saying. If I imagine super hard, I'll just start going to sleep. And you have to imagine dreamlike. Dreamlike things, and then I'll.
You're taking the New York energy into your sleep. But it's just like, I don't have time for this, okay? I gotta get it to sleep. Hey, I'm sleepin' here, I'm dreamin' here. Brute forcing your way to sleep, I don't have time for this.
I gotta fucking. Fucking lights off, head in a pillow, blanket over the body. Think about the most tiring thing in the world, boom, we're out. All right, look, it's Jesus, but he's got my dad's face, and he's telling me I'm in my living room, but it's not my real fucking living room. Time to go to work. All right, now put your little hand in there. Good.
Cool, well, why don't we play our game for this episode? So none of us really entirely know what we're doing here, but we have here a stack of cards. I'm gonna lean forward. You won't be able to hear me for a while. We have a stack of cards here. These have situations, I guess, that were written by our producers, and I suppose the goal here is to, we'll take one of these, we will read it, and we'll react as if we were actually in that situation and see if other people can figure out what the heck's going on based only on those reactions.
And are we timed? We're going for 10 seconds. Cool, we're going for 10 seconds, apparently.
Okay, so does anyone wanna be the first to start this one, to try it? I'll go. Great, so Lily's gonna take number one here, so read it, take all the time you need, don't show it to us. Oh, really? And 10 seconds to guess? No, no, no, and then you get to perform it for 10 seconds, and then we get to guess. Or just react to it? I don't know what the prompts are. Act it out, we're acting it out, it's an act out.
All right. Good thought. We're talking. Okay. It'd be a weird podcast if there was no talking. Awesome.
Okay, well, you're not gonna be able to record the Charlie Rose that way, so you're gonna wanna scroll, ah, ah, hold on, sorry, my house is crumbling! Okay, no, you're gonna wanna scroll, okay, I know, it's a little, you didn't grow up with this kind of stuff, but you're gonna wanna go back? Okay, ah, a tree just fell through my roof. You are helping an elderly person record Charlie Rose, and they live in your house, which is Crum boy. That's when it gets happening. I couldn't have been here.
I think your parents, I think your parents, maybe not just an elderly couple, help your parents. Older. Older, your grandparents. Help your grandparents in an earthquake-type situation.
Workativo? No, I guess so. DVR? Yeah. Okay, you are helping your grandparents DVR Charlie Rose during an earthquake. Okay, so the Charlie Rose part was not necessary. That was me trying to imply that they are old. Yes, gotcha, yes. We got that, yeah. I am in, you know, it does not say that, can I say what it is? Yeah. Okay, great. You're on the phone with your grandpa, teaching him how to set the DVR.
Yeah. Why would it be hard for you to communicate that? Millions of people go through this every day.
They're just in the zone. There is a certain way that people that live in avalanche zones just bear themselves. They have a certain je ne sais quoi. They're ready to jump at a moment. Loud noises. Jump.
All right. Brandon, you wanna take number two here? Let's take number two. Guys, if it's okay, can we just not watch Arrival or Enchanted or any of the Henry Cavill superman things? Let's just say that. 10 seconds. Yeah. You're Grant.
Someone who's like so tired of like Amy Adams.
Is that it? That's part of it, that's half of it. I didn't get to the other half. Oh no, sorry.
I didn't know she was in the Henry Cavill superman movies. I knew she was in Enchanted and Arrival.
I'm terrified there's gonna, I'm so bad with pop culture. I'm terrified there's gonna be a pop culture thing on here that I'm just gonna have to deal with. I'm just gonna go for longer than 10 seconds and break the rules, please. I just got back from IHOP and I don't know. It's pretty fucked up.
You saw Amy Adams do something bad in an IHOP? You saw Amy Adams eat a whole stack of pancakes in one bite at IHOP. She unhinged her jaw like a snake. In my head cannon, that's true. What the card says is that Amy Adams just broke up with me. But I choose to believe that she would eat a whole stack of pancakes doing that.
Great, wow. I'll take number three here. I'll go ahead and give this to you, just so you're ready. Let's see what this is. Okay, don't take two. It's actually, there's a long description here. As we look forward into tomorrow, we have to remember the words of the people who came before us.
Both of those, I guess, could work with this thing. Oh, the guy who does 99% Invisible? I'm, it's more in a particular situation rather than a particular person.
Giving a State of the Union address about pizza bagels? Close. I saw it on the card, so I have to recuse myself. Very good, no recuse yourself. We could be here forever. No, well, we'll just go with it. I'm giving the valedictory speech at graduation. But there's a tiny pixie in my shoulder who keeps telling me to talk about bagel bites. Oh, gosh.
Oh, you even acknowledged the pixie. I didn't acknowledge the pixie. I'm trying to ignore the pixie.
I wrote a speech. I spent a long time working on this speech.
And no pixie's gonna hop in here and tell me that it's, you know. Look, you can already have pizza any time. It doesn't need to be on a bagel. I'm sick of this pixie propaganda. I mean, pizza bagels are good.
Here, hold this. All right. Okay, mm-hmm. Okay.
I thought he was reading. Yeah, so the one is in the corner and you want to put, you know, some of that wet on it.
You got that?
Because time is money. I'm paying you.
You are giving instructions to somebody, but you have like a weird Ursula voice contract with a sea witch, and it's like in a fuzzy gray area because you like deferred payment. So your voice is like skipping out. It's like wonky. I think you're trying to build the worst sandwich in the world while you're going through a tunnel and your cell reception is cutting out.
Yeah, but you put wet stuff on. Yeah, but combine yours and Brennan's and it's much closer. Oh, I also thought it was like something was constricting your voice to not let you talk about, I don't know, whatever that thing you weren't talking about was. If you'd said it, I'd know.
Yeah, are you just giving instructions while you're going through a tunnel? I am giving instructions and what happens in a tunnel with your voice, cell reception?
Yes, and then it would. And your reception's going out? Yes. Yeah, we did it. Were you giving instructions on anything specific? Or something specific, yes. I don't know. Go ahead and tell us.
I was giving, instructing my assistant to go over Skype to water my house plans, but I forgot the word water. And also the connection is bad.
You said water, wet stuff. Get them all wet is a very funny instruction for watering. I want you to go over there and give them all that wet stuff. Get them all wet.
Hell yeah. Not hydrated, not H2O.
Cool, we only have about 10 minutes left, so we'll go ahead and we're going to answer some. So these are questions written from our subscribers. Dropout, our fans, if you want to ask us a question, you can subscribe. Dropout, go onto our Discord. We're there just hanging out sometimes. You can, we'll answer questions here, but we'll also just talk to you.
So yeah, our first question is from Ian Adams, who asks, what's your most unpopular opinion about comedy? This ties in, I guess, a little bit to some of the stuff you were talking about before of what comedians find funny, but I guess it first requires, what's a popular opinion, what's unpopular that I like? What's your most unpopular opinion about comedy?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess I'd have to know what's. What's a popular opinion, what's a popular opinion? I think I can weigh in on this and say something about this. I think I have an unpopular comedy opinion. I think, this is not going to sound controversial, but then I'll say what I'm reacting to.
So I think there is such a thing as evil comedy. I think there's such a thing as irresponsible, unethical, bad comedy. And I think that sometimes in progressive circles, people will use a shorthand where they'll be like, comedy can't punch down, it can only punch up. And that's obviously, I know people are being careless with their language there, but I actually think it's critical to say, no, comedy absolutely can punch down. Comedy is sort of like magic, where it's like, no, Voldemort uses magic too. There's evil comedy.
When you first said it's like magic, I was like top hat and like magic castle magic. It's like magic. Why would I be referring to that magic?
What about me has given you any indication that this is my fault, I'm very sorry. Funny story, I did, my mom told other, my aunts and uncles one Christmas, Brennan loves magic cards and I got a bunch of fucking top hats and wands and stuff instead of Magic the Gathering. Very sweet, thank you aunts and uncles back when I was like 12 years old, I do appreciate it.
No, but I think that this is sort of, I don't know if this is an unpopular tape, and I don't know why it's a soapbox to Santa, because we're all on the same side of saying like there are bad people who are doing shitty, unethical comedy in the world, but for some reason, the technical side of my brain wants to underline like, no, you can have an evil joke that punches down and further otherizes a group of people that are marginalized that fulfills the technical bracket of what a joke is, and I think for some reason it feels important in fighting for a better world to acknowledge that it's like, just when I see people online being like, comedy can never punch down, you're like, no it can and it's bad when it does, like acknowledge that there is an evil version of this or when people go like, I don't know, for some reason that's a weird pet peeve of mine, when someone's like, that's not funny, and you go like, no, it's funny to bigots, does that make sense, that difference? I feel like I have a similar thing, my opinion would be, because like the first half of it sounds like something that awful people say, but then what I mean is, I think you can joke about anything, which I feel like I hear said defensively a lot now by like people who do lazy comedy where they did something offensive and they're like, anything can be, calm down, but what I mean is like in a thoughtful context, probably punching up, I think you can, context just matters, but I don't think anything is off limits, I think some people have like, oh you can never, and I'm like, but Sarah Silverman has great jokes about rape or I joke about abortion because I talk about my own experience, because I've had one and stuff, and I feel like you can joke about anything, but context matters. Yeah, it's like if you take the phrase, like anything can be a joke, people can use that poorly to put the emphasis on the anything, but you kind of have to put the emphasis on the joke. It's like anything can be a joke, it's like cool, it better be a joke then, you know? Well, I think that's actually something that I would underline to your point, Lily, is people say, make the thing about like, what the topic of the joke is, and any topic is open for joking. What lazy, crude, mean-spirited, cruel comics do is they will see people react to a joke and say, you're mad at the topic, and you wanna, what I wanna say is, no, no, I'm not mad at the topic, your joke has keyed me into your feelings about that topic.
I don't resent you for trying to tell a joke, I resent you because you in your joke have revealed your worldview, and you're a shitty fucking person. You've shown your fucking soul, I've forgotten about the joke, I see you. The fucking curtain has parted, there's the man behind the great and powerful Oz. Like, people like to act like their philosophy is not visible behind their material. I'm never mad at the attempt at levity, I'm always mad at who you are.
I'll have an opinion that's much less dark, and I don't even know, truly, if it's unpopular, but I'm very pro-pun. Oh, I'm very anti-pun. I get why people like it, and I think that puns can be very bad, and so I totally get it, but also, and we just had a read-through of a project I just finished that is full of stupid fucking puns, they're really miraculous, they're really fucking wonderful puns. There's something I find deeply satisfying about a pun when you're not expecting it, and if it's truly well done, I think people think of puns, and they think of these sort of shitty Hallmark card kind of thing, but arrested development is full of puns, and some of them are honestly amazing, and sometimes they'll just sneak up on you because you'll be focusing on this other joke, but the pun will be the secondary joke, it is just this little ladle of gravy that you just go, hmm, that just rounds everything out, ties everything together, use it well, but I don't think puns are off the table for me at all. Yeah, I think puns get a bad rep because of the context in which they're used by dads and office bosses. But it's like, rap is full of puns, Shakespeare used puns, it's when you make a pun, and then you're like, I just made a pun, and then you're like, isn't that a pun? That's what's bad, that's awful. We all know trap's a shitty bitch, but I think the important thing is that the, I think the bad rep that puns get is about the fact that they can be fully unmotivated. Like, the puns in your script are motivated by the genre, they're motivated by the action.
They're like talking about this and not reveal what we're talking about. Spoiler alert. But you know what I mean? Like, everything in there fully flows. I think one of the reasons that puns get a bad rep is because language is so abstract, and so when you're doing a pun, it can be completely divorced from what's actually happening between friends and performers in the moment. It's like, what does this fucking have to do with anything? But if you weave it into the narrative, if you're telling a story, or just the conversation if you're out with friends, then it's actually usually delightful. Right, like the rest of the development ties it into like, he like busts and loses his hand, he sits on a hand chair and it's all like tied together.
Wait, a minute and a half. Teo, what's your thing? And you have to do it really fast, like this YouTube video. Mine's very simple.
Yeah, it's hard, it's hard, it's hard. Ooh, I think Maundy Python sucks.
Oh, yeah! Ah, you heard it here first! Okay, that fully fulfills the brief, because that is a, oh god, I died a little bit.
I mean, honestly, send me like the best stuff. Give me the good ones, and then maybe I'll try to chain my opinions.
Have you considered watching it at fucking normal speed? Yeah, the jokes start flying by you. Yeah, it's always just too fast for me.
Like, what, this is indecipherable. What is the context in which you've experienced Maundy Python stuff this far? I guess I've seen like the minister like funny walks sketch, you've seen the dead parrot sketch, because like every one-on-one sketch class shows it. And it's fun, I think it's like one of those, it's like watching Citizen Kane or something now, where you're like, I appreciate it. If I went back in time, they're like, oh my god, a closeup, this is amazing. And yeah, like a lot of the stuff doesn't hold up well, especially in the BBC show, there's like some atrocious misogyny, and a lot of, you know, there's like, there's some stuff that's like not great in there. And even seeing like past that, or like knowing it's of that time, it's like, yeah, it's fine, I don't know. I also didn't watch it as a kid, so that's I think a big part of it. Sure, yeah, I mean, for me, like, Maundy Python just hits me like right where, it's like that, it's the fact that you can have a sketch that is like, this is just the Ministry of Silly Walks and it's like a pure physical comedy sketch, but then you can also have like a sketch that is like about like, you know, like philosophy and modes of government, but put into like a comedic context, like just being able to like do that whiplash from like very lowbrow stuff to very highbrow stuff, and like mix them together, that is just like, ah, I love this.
I mean, prove me, like honestly, I would love to be proven wrong. Sure. Yeah, I have no opinion, because I haven't watched their stuff because it was all middle school boys who annoyed me, who were really into it, and I was just like, no, thank you. Yeah, I get it. My dad showed me that in the closest thing to a religious ceremony I can think of. Like, in terms of like, son, I'm going to show you Monty Python now. So like, I'm fully on board because it was, it's only thing you watch as a kid is like gonna be deep in your fucking veins.
I think it also like, it hits me, because it was one of those things that like, I had that feeling of sort of self-discovery a little bit. Like, not to say like, I discovered Monty Python, because like obviously it's ludicrous, but like I didn't really have people being like, oh hey, you have to watch this. It was something that I was sort of like, I had like, I had heard people like mention something, I was like, oh, this is funny, and like I was always very attracted to like Terry Gilliam's animation side, it was like undercover stuff, and like I remember as a kid, at some point going like, I'm gonna rent Holy Grail, like I know nothing about this, I just like, like I've heard the name Monty Python, I've seen this image, and think that it's like an interesting image, and I'm just gonna watch it. And the opening of that film is a, is like a parody of like, like, oh god, my mic, what, Ingmar Bergman films? This is these like stark like, just like white credits on black, and it's like, it's like four minutes maybe, just like boom, like this really like, almost no music, really like Dyer and Stark, and so like, when you're a kid going like, ooh, a comedy, this will be fun, and you get this like, boom, boom, and like, but like the slow realization that there were like jokes embedded into like, the subtitles, and there were like jokes that they were like looking for them, it was like, oh, this is, this is fun, like it was this moment, I'm just like, I'm clocked into this fun. And that moment where you're like, oh, I'm in, is so important and so big, you're like, and you have like a lot more leeway to be like, this doesn't work, but I don't care, I love it, yeah. I was so, I remember being so surprised that there were just these like, little jokes hidden into the subtitles and like they snuck, like it doesn't feel subtle now looking at it, but like as a kid where I like, was like, oh, I can ignore the credits in old movies, because you can normally can, and to realize you couldn't hear was like, oh, they like broke the format.
I know that we're going over right now a little bit, but I do want to throw something out there because in terms of hot takes, which is, I feel like the national JPM, jokes per minute, is down across media. I think JPM is down, I think there's a lot. JPM is down. JPM, JPM, JPM's are down now, even with all the comedy that is getting through.
How many shows are there right now on streaming services, on television, that call themselves comedy and are melodramas? Be honest. How many shows are there? Okay, this is getting into a separate debate, but everyone has a different idea on what makes a dramedy, what portion.
I'm like, 70% drama, 30% comedy is all I need. 80% drama, 20% comedy is all I need. To be a watchable show, yeah. To be like a show I'm like laughing and like losing my belly over.
I think the times are too bleak for a high JPM. That's true. Maybe that's so, maybe you know what, maybe we lived through, you know, 2000, 2000 or 2008 to 2016 and we realized, hey, we need to stop fucking chuckling and fucking knuckle down, get to work. We've been having a laugh. Let's chuckle more knuckle, baby. Let's get these JPMs back up when the world's saved. Well, I wanna keep talking about this, but we're out of time, so that feels like a good out for it.
I'm gonna get less chuckle more knuckle tattooed on my body. On your knuckle, squeezed in there. Plus chuckle less knuckle.
Thank you so much for watching. Thank you all for taking the time to be here. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.
If you have a question that you want to ask us, maybe we'll get to more than one of them one of these days, but you can ask that, again, on the Dropout Discord by subscribing to Dropout and going to Discord. See you around. Bye. Later. |
ClickHole | girls_answer_the_most_common_questions_guys_google_about_girls | Ugh, no. Oh god, they should definitely know that. Oh my god. Buckle up, boys, because we have all the answers.
OK, I don't want to speak for everyone, but when a man can pick me up and throw me into the arms of a sexier man, I love that. It's always hot when a little testosterone comes out of a guy's ears. Like just a puff of steam. A slow trickle. Also, such a turn on when I'm walking up an escalator and you're going down the opposite one and we lock eyes.
Embarrassing. Ugh, no. Look guys, it's not that hard, but I've never taken this bra off because I don't know how to. Just put the bra on the ground. And then cut through the fabric like so. I mean, this might just be me, but I like to slip this thing down my back and just saw.
OK, I'm stuck. And if that doesn't work, I have a guy who comes by and unhooks at any time. No, that's their tilt disintegrates off.
Sorry, mom. Ugh, guys.
OK guys, this right here, this is how our lady parts work. This is a uterus. This is another uterus. When the northern lights happen, the eggs travel down this chute thing. This is the estrogen whirlpool. Also, even if you're a guy, you should know how birth control fits into it all. This is just what anatomy looks like, boys. Well, our periods do sink. There's one woman who's the most fertile woman in the entire world, and she sets the pace for our cycles.
Also, we have just as many questions about men. Like, why don't you just carry one of these with you? What the hell is this? I guess we're just all bad. |
dropout | the_story_of_the_first_friendsgiving | Thank you everyone, let's all take a seat because the show is about to begin. And now, the story of the first Friendsgiving, long, long ago, in 2005, in the land of Brooklyn. A pioneer named Aspen came to live by his belief that he should be a singer-songwriter. I am an artist. What's up, dogs?
Aspen could not go home for Thanksgiving because he didn't want to. Sorry, Mom, I'm really slammed. See you at Christmas. Oh no, my favorite bars are closed.
I know what I'll do. I'll make a new holiday that takes place on Thanksgiving. I'll call it Friendsgiving. Aspen put forth the call, far and wide, that all might come to Friendsgiving. But like, give me a heads up how many total? Sounds cool. Sunglasses emoji. All the friends brought something to share. And this is what they brought. I am beer! I am one raw potatoes. That's Thanksgiving, right? I'm a weird rice thing brought by a vegan. There's plenty of meat for everyone. Gross! This is going great. Now it's time to put the turkey in the oven. I am Aspen's oven.
I've never been used and I've always... Always been... Been...
Broken. Oh no, my oven is broken.
And there's not enough food. And I only have one chair. What will I do? And in Aspen's darkest hour, a Friendsgiving miracle did occur.
I'm a native Brooklyn drug dealer. I have drugs for sale. Yay, drug! Ate a drink and smoked a little pot because they don't have to worry about their parents.
Everyone's shirt. Grace and Jeff went home together because of me! Gross! And that's the story of why we celebrate Friendsgiving every year. Until we grow up. That's cultural appropriation. |
dropout | nazi_zombies | I can't believe it.
Nazi zombies. As if zombies weren't enough.
Uh-huh. Ah! I don't know.
Is there being Nazis really any worse? Sure it is. They're Nazis. Nazi zombies. Uh, but that's a question. Are they Nazis, I mean? Or are they just Nazis that died and became zombies? Because that's pretty much just the same as normal zombies.
What are you talking about? Look, if they were that full of hate and life, imagine what they're like now that they're dead. See, I don't think that's how it works, okay?
If you were a sweet old lady, you're not going to be a sweet old zombie. Yeah, zombies is a zombie.
Look at those cars! See, the question is... Are they discriminating?
Because, if not, I think we just have run-and-mill zombies on our hands. Oh my god. We have this.
Jewish zombies. Now, if the Nazis remain neutral, I think that they... Okay, they're definitely Nazis. Nazis, zombies.
Okay, now I'm conflicted. Should we help? What?
I mean, there are Nazis killing Jews out there. Nazi zombies killing Jewish zombies out there.
Are you crazy?
It's pretty much genocide, technically. I mean, if Hitler was out there, wouldn't you want to kill him even if he was a zombie? Especially if he was a zombie.
Okay, look, look! There are a lot of zombies out there, alright? If we go out there, we will die!
Don't worry, the Americans are interval. Huh.
Now, there's a vampire zombie sucking the blood of a Nazi zombie, making them vampire Nazi zombies. Nazi zombie vampires. Now, do they want blood or brains? There's a werewolf zombie. Okay, now, is that a zombie that turns into a wolf at night, or is that a human that becomes a wolf zombie at night? Mommy was just bitten by the Nazi zombie vampire.
God, I have so many questions.
Hey, there's Ned being surrounded by the Jewish zombies. Yeah, they're doing the horror. Yeah. But that's not the horror. Okay, now, is he going to be a Jewish zombie because he was agnostic? |
SaturdayNightLive | reelz_presents_the_roosevelts_snl | This week, Reel's Channel debuted the acclaimed eight-part movie event, The Kennedys. a series critics called, rife with historical inaccuracy, complete fiction, and sucking. And next week, we take down another Democratic dynasty with. the Rosamots. learn all of Fdr's dirty secrets. Eleanor, What Is this? it's a wheelchair. what's it for? it's going to get you elected President. Now sit down and act sick. From the creator of 24, and the producer of The Kennedys, Joel Cernow, comes a story so shocking it has to be true. Eleanor, Who is this man? He's Adolf Hitler. and he's going to start the war.
That's going to make you a hero. What, Elinor, I told you. all I want to do is paint. you'll do exactly as I say. You know, did I take liberties? Sure. But it's Tv, you gots to. Besides, we had a historian on the set. yes, I was on the set, but mostly as an object of ridicule and derision. often the producers would yell, hey, History Guy, think fast, and then throw a cup of ice at me. I did not enjoy my time on this project.
Finally, a movie that dares to show you the steamy sexual intrigue of the Roosevelt White House. Mr. President, there's a Norma Jean here to see you. send her in. Happy Birthday to you. it's not my birthday. but it is mine. Even if Elinor Roosevelt was a lesbian, it's highly unlikely she'd have an affair with Marilyn Monroe, who was five at the time. when I heard lesbian, you know I had to run with it. And as for Marilyn, I saw pics of the women Elinor is really friends with.
Woof woof. you're welcome. The Roser Hello again, family. I have returned.
Teddy Roosevelt. we thought you were dead. Well, that's what I wanted people to think, so I could be a spy. Photo Russians. I don't know why Teddy Roosevelt looked into camera or why he was black. but it was still better than the scene where Elinor orders the bombing of Pearl Harbor. topless. Emperor Hirohito. Tora, tora, Tora. The Roser. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Parliament_Passes_New_Greens_Bill_That_Allows_Workers_To_Tell_Boss_To_Go_And_Get_ | I'm Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker and there's not much going on in the news this week apart from the right to disconnect. Which you'd be pulling your dick over, wouldn't you Wendell? Oh mate, not me.
It's fucking unbelievable. This country wasn't built on just clocking off at 5pm on Friday.
I can't wait until you tell me on Sunday night when I ask you for the Cloudflare token you tell me to go down to the local petrol station and go and suck someone's dick in the bathroom. I'm looking forward to you telling me to do that. It's not usually a Cloudflare token that I do it for, so it'd be nice to have a proper excuse I guess.
True. Anyway, don't do it because we don't believe in that leftist bullshit up here in Queensland. We get stuff done in Queensland. It's not really applicable in the media landscape is it? News doesn't stop at 5pm.
Well we're frontline workers, we should have had, everyone should have been clapping for us during the fucking pandemic instead they were clapping for those bloody nurses. And they were coming for us. We lost a lot of trust I will admit to that. At least history will be kind to us. Yes. The press. Those dreadful articles written about our newspaper in the fucking Daily Mail, us being like, they're throwing their weight behind anti-lockdown people. It's like, sure, yeah, who's crazy now? We doubled down, well tripled down, in fact it was all me, sorry.
Now, no sport in the news? Nah, nothing.
Super Bowl! Oh yeah, you'd like that. Wingdings! Wouldn't you like it? You'd be global. The Great Iron Grand Final.
I'll tell you what, I'll be telling you to suck one on Monday at about 12pm. Is it this Monday? Yeah, coming up. Fuck, many time flies. I'll be a bucket of Cores Deep, you know, wings and hot sauce all over myself. Playing shuffleboard. And you'll be going, what happened down there? You know, we need to hit our daily quota of Peter Dutton articles and I'll say, go suck one, because I'm watching the Super Bowl.
Yeah, well, that won't be happening, because, we, well, Clancy actually was going to surprise you with a Super Bowl party, but, um, I've ruined it! You've ruined it now. Well, I, well, allegedly, I ruined it, because I, for those who are listening at home, Two days ago, Clancy bought a big green egg barbecue, because apparently that's what you use if you're going to do some serious barbecuing.
He picked it up on Facebook Marketplace for $1200, and I know that because it came out of our payroll account, so God knows how Effie's going to pay her rent this weekend. On Monday, I should say.
But yeah, look, so, this morning, I spent last night at the office for, you know, reasons I won't get into now, but, you know, obviously, you know, we're here for you, Errol, if you want to do that. Yeah, look, but yeah, but like, it's funny, because it's actually my house. But anyway, look, I'm not going to get into it anyway. So I spent the house that you no longer live in.
I spent last night at the office, you know, and then in the morning, I saw that someone had left some of those thin, delicious breakfast sausages in the fridge. They were uncooked, and I was like, oh, these are probably here from the January 26th celebration barbecue that we didn't have here at the Batutera advocate. So I cooked them up, they were, they kind of ponged a bit, so anyway, I've cooked them up in the big green egg this morning, and I let the heat beads go out after I cooked them. But anyway, so Clancy came in this morning, and...
Well, yes, Wendell doesn't ask me any questions, but if you want to know why I'm wearing these bandages on my arms, and why my nipples are fucking hurting right now, is because I wanted to move it to get the party ready for you on Monday, and it was still scorching hot. Right, yeah, I know better than to ask questions, but that, see, I was confused as to what all that stuff was in the bin. I thought it was maybe a fucking bit of asbestos or some shit that you'd taken from the back annex. It's boiling hot ceramic, and it's already melting the bin right now like it melted my gold chain. No, so I tried to use some silicon to put it back together again, and then I heard that you've got to heat it up again to cure the silicon and make it hard, but then it just fell apart, but this time with the burning coals inside it, so it's burnt, a bit of the back veranda, and it's, yeah, look, it's just, it's a multitude of errors, mostly on Clancy's part, but... I should have touched it, at least looked inside it before I bear-hugged it.
Anyway. Band-aids, do band-aids on the nipples. Well, look, I saw that bloke down at the hospital, he was doing that spray-on skin for you that they developed in Bali, but I don't think that it's going to make your nipples grow back. I don't know, they'll probably just be able to tell where my nipples were, but I don't know. Yeah, or they could end up being as small as Tai Tui buses. Two cents nips.
Anyway, I hope you're listening, shout out to the UFC heavyweight. What's going on in the news, Wendell?
Well, we'll start off with some political news, and this week parliament has passed a new Greens bill that allows workers to tell the boss to go and get fucked after 5pm. Yes, for the first time since the short-lived carbon tax, Labour has allowed the Greens to get one away this week with a new industrial relations bill that was amended to include the right to disconnect. Now, the law has been proposed by the Greens in their effort to help destroy the cringeworthy and toxic grind culture that has arisen since the invent of smartphones. But no longer will bosses be allowed to ping their employees on any devices or reprimand them for not responding to any correspondence after work. Yes, Greens leader Adam Bant says he's willing to re-write the definition of casual employment so if it means that quote, when you clock off, you'll be able to switch off. Speaking to the advocate this week, he said, There you go from Adam Bant there, look I'm just glad I won't have to respond to fucking random cat gifs and whatever pops up in your social media feed that you send to me.
If you fucking tell me, if you fucking tell me to go and suck a dick, I will fucking bash you. I will put hands on you, I will fucking, well look you can fly me but you certainly cannot bash me. I'll bash you and then sit in the gutter and wait for the cops. That's what I'll do.
Harold, your new home will be a hospital bed if you come for me with this. You won't be sleeping on the couch in the office. You can take that new law, roll it up on its fancy little paper and fucking cover it in fucking Vaseline and shove it up your ass, Wendell, because that's not happening here. Well actually we're starting to emulate, this is a workplace, we're starting to emulate Parliament House which is a, yeah I guess a good transition for our next story.
Sorry, yes it is, it is, the headline reads like this, ABC's Nemesis program provides insight into how dumb people make 400k doing fuck all. Yes political nerds are still shaving their organic non-genetically modified carrots this week with another week of political bickering aired on the national broadcaster. If you are a normal Australian you are probably watching maps rather than the exciting and gossip fuelled binfire that is the Nemesis documentary about the recent run of liberal prime ministers. Yes, lefty big brother has proven a hit with people who use Twitter and have shown just how petty the nation's politicians are and it's also shown how dumb fucks, the bottom of the barrel in this country can make $400,000 a year for doing absolutely fuck all than bicker with each other in expensive restaurants and Parliament House offices.
Truly fascinating stuff isn't it Wendell? Yeah you say exciting Clancy, I say yawn pouring.
Now changing it up and we've got a story about an old codger who gets around the beach in a jockstrap masquerading as swimmers who says some of these Sheilas bikinis are a bit much. Yes an older man from our nation's coast has caused a bit of a stir this week by offering up his thoughts on what women should wear to the beach. 72 year old Terry Price from Caloundra has told the advocate that he's really appalled by some of the outfits on the beach these days. Terry who strolls around the beach in a pair of Speedos that get pretty much entirely swallowed up by his voluptuous curves says it looks like some of these young ladies lace themselves up in dental floss before heading out for a swim and he just doesn't know where to look on the 500 metre long beach he swims in.
It's a tough gig for poor old Terry and his poor old little cheerio cock. There is literally nowhere else to look on the beach from poor old Terry you know. He doesn't want to say what they had for breakfast.
We'll finish up with some entertainment news now and Hollywood star Jacob Elordi has paid tribute to his Queenslander roots by teaching a Sydney wanker some manners at the Chloe Hotel. Yes Hollywood star Jacob Elordi has settled the debate about whether he's a Melbourne or a Brisbane boy. This happened after he became the subject of a New South Wales police investigation following an alleged Malay outside a hotel in Sydney last Saturday. Yes proving that thick Queensland blood runs through his veins Elordi decided to rough up a Kyle and Jackie O producer who was carrying on at a nice establishment in the Eastern suburbs of Sydney. As a police statement read, officers attached to the Eastern suburbs police area commander investigating after a man had some Queensland sensibilities imparted upon him at a Sydney hotel. Police were told about 3.30pm on Saturday the 3rd of February 2024 that a Sydney wanker was allegedly dusted off by an honourable Queenslander. The man did not sustain any injuries but is likely having a good long think about what he's done.
There you go, that's the end of the bulletin for this week. Just to clarify, do I need to cancel the detector inspector that I booked for my house at 12pm on Monday?
Umm... Super Bowl party or not? What are we doing?
Wait, the fucking, mate the right to disconnect does not extend to American support. I'm sorry about that. If you go and celebrate that disgraceful Americanisation of this country you can go and get fucked yourself.
I have got a smoke alarm inspector coming at 12pm on Monday. He might take a couple of hours. Do I need to cancel that appointment or not? Smoke alarms are for lefties mate, you don't need them.
Anyway thanks for listening, hooroo! Ciao! Nice establishment in the eastern suburbs of Sydney.
As a police statement read, officers attached to the eastern suburbs police area command are investigating after a man had some Queensland sensibilities imparted upon him at a Sydney hotel. Police were told about 3.30pm on Saturday the 3rd of February 2024 that a Sydney wanker was allegedly dusted off by an honourable Queenslander. The man did not sustain any injuries but is likely having a good long think about what he's done.
There you go, that's the end of the bulletin for this week. Just to clarify, do I need to cancel the detector inspector that I booked for my house at 12pm on Monday?
Umm... Super Bowl party or not? What are we doing? Wait, the fucking...
Mate, the right to disconnect does not extend to American support. I'm sorry about that. If you go and celebrate that disgraceful Americanisation of this country you can go and get fucked yourself.
I have got a smoke alarm inspector coming at 12pm on Monday. He might take a couple of hours. Do I need to cancel that appointment or not? Smoke alarms are for lefties, mate.
You don't need them. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Hooroo! Ciao. |
dropout | ancient_guardian_doesn_t_want_to_wake_up | The time of prophecy has arrived. We have no choice. We must summon our guardian from his ancient slumber! Arise, Great One! Arise from the sleep of Aeons! Rise up and save your people from destruction!
Please, oh ancient one! Um... Uh... Ancient one? Uh...
Please, Snorbo! A meteor is headed right for our village. If you don't do something, we will all die! How big meteor? Big enough to boil our oceans! To turn off every civilization to ash!
Uh... Can't Tim do it? Tim is tall!
Remove the ancient blanket! Oh, Snorbo hates you! Oh, Great Snorbo! Our ancestors imbued you with ancient magics, so that you might slumber until the day you were needed! Uh...
Snorvo slept really badly. Mountain kept poking Snorvo in the back! Snorvo? Snorvo had a bad dream about school! Snorvo not even go to school!
Why have to eat?
Blustered raining, maybe meteor cancelled! It's raining fire!
Yes, definitely indoor day! Oh, Great Guardian, what can we do to help you rise? Snorvo requires coffee! Oh, and waffles! We don't have time!
Look, if you stop the media now, we'll take you out to Brunch after! Where, Brunch? I don't know, that place that does the breakfast quesadillas, you know, with the goat cheese!
Then Snorvo shall rise! Thank you, Snorvo. You have saved us all. Snorvo!
So cold! Thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | Dow_Rallies_After_Learning_Trader_Who_Jumped_Out_Window_Had_Marital_Problems_The_Topical_Ep_29 | The stock market is rallying today after a big scare on Wall Street, but is your money safe? And later, could you be eating too much fish? If you are a fish, then the answer is probably yes, you filthy fucking cannibal.
From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. We've got all the news you need to start your day, or end your day, or just listen to in the middle of your day. Doesn't really matter on our end. You do you. Stay with us.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store. Still paying with paper money? Well, Mr. Caveman, put away your tablet and chisel and start using CashApp. You won't find a better way to buy all the mammoth meat and sod bricks you'll need to survive the winter. And if you're still writing checks, let me introduce you to a new thing called Fire. Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
And when you do, could you walk me through how to do it? I have no idea how to use my cell phone. It's very confusing.
Thanks. Good news on Wall Street today. The Dow is back up after plunging nearly 2,500 points since last Wednesday.
The downtrend began last week after a stock trader jumped out of a high-rise window, sparking fears of an impending recession. Today, more information is coming in about that deceased trader who, as it turns out, was fortunately just having marital problems. Here with details is OPR financial correspondent Remy Berglund. Remy, It sure was Leslie. After Goldman Sachs equity trader James Seifert splattered onto a Manhattan sidewalk last Wednesday, panic that he had killed himself to avoid an impending crash caused skittish investors to dump stocks and halt purchase orders. Selling intensified for nearly a week, culminating in Thursday's 1,200 point loss, one of the largest single-day drops in history. But luckily, it seems the trader did not have insider info on a looming bear market and instead was simply getting divorced. Here's Goldman Sachs spokesperson Lydia Myers Delgado. Someone assumed Seifert jumped after losing his last penny on a bad trade. But the truth is, he'd gone home the night before to find his house emptied and a note from his wife saying she couldn't waste another instant pretending she still loved him.
But I want to assure investors that there is no need for alarm. The market has already corrected itself and people who held their investments have fully recovered what they lost last week. This is good news for those of us who have aggressive portfolios. You can count me among investors who were concerned Seifert knew something we didn't about the market crashing.
But how can we be certain he jumped just because of his personal life falling apart and not something more important? Well, according to Seifert's coworkers, his marriage had been in shambles for months. Some even mentioned several instances of sobbing phone calls heard from inside his office. That is a good sign. I also spoke with two Goldman Sachs traders who were close with Seifert.
When I heard the news, I was so scared I couldn't even move. Without even thinking, I just immediately started unloading shares. I didn't even think to ask who jumped. But then when we found out it was Jim, it was like, oh, never mind.
He and Cheryl have been having problems for a really long time. We're good. Oh yeah, I had been sleeping with her for like six months.
So I told everyone, relax, the markets are fine. There's no need to freak out about a recession just because Jim face planted on the cement. It is kind of annoying we had to take this dent for nothing though. Yeah, I'll say. And how exactly are markets responding to today's good news? As of this afternoon, the Dow is up another 50 points, putting it ahead of where it was when Seifert jumped in the first place. All's well that ends well? You said it.
Thanks, Remy. That's OPR's Remy Birkeland. Concerning news coming out of the Mayo Clinic today, a new report conducted by their team of public health experts found that the number of Americans looking at their genitals and saying, huh, that's weird, is on the rise in the United States. We're joined by OPR medical reporter Jenna Resnick, who's going to fill us in on these unsettling findings. Thanks for joining us, Jenna. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
So just how widespread is this trend? Well, the researchers I spoke to said incidents of Americans unzipping their pants, looking down at their genitals, and saying stuff like, uh-oh, or hm, that seems odd, has increased nearly tenfold since 1972. Now, up to one in six Americans have reported letting out a yikes upon viewing their bizarre-looking penis or vagina in the last year. And what led researchers to decide to study this phenomenon? I spoke to the lead scientist on the report, Tricia Willard, and this is what she had to say. We thought it would be an interesting subject to collect some data on, as we had received many reports of these types of cases. But it was only after actually doing the survey, however, that we realized there was a full-blown epidemic of people being perturbed when looking at their gonads. And what are the types of weird things these Americans were taken aback by?
Anything really. Bumps, marks, sores, lesions, weird coloring. Sometimes it's even just the way the genitals smell. Yeesh, that must be alarming. It really is. I actually got to sit in on a study where researchers were bringing subjects in and having them examine their genitals, and a lot of them found their own genitals, atypical. Okay, subject 8472 commencing. Oh shit. That is... funky. What is that? I mean, it doesn't look bad, but it also doesn't look good. Subject 8512. Hmm. That's, uh... new. God, it looks kind of infected. Maybe it'll just go away after a while. Shit. Subject 8673.
Oh fuck! Oh god! Oh, how did that get there? Oh god!
Uh, you're a doctor, right? Can you take a look at this? Please? Please help?
And what do doctors recommend these subjects do? Regardless of what exact conditions patients might have, doctors have advised that they generally avoid scratching or rubbing whatever it is. They also suggested perhaps getting some ointment and seeing if it clears up in a few days. Basically, they wanted to stress that people should try as much as they possibly can before seeing them for an appointment, since, you know, they don't want to see it either since it's pretty gross.
That makes sense. Luckily, I've got nothing to worry about since I was chemically castrated at the age of six, but thanks anyway for all the useful info, Jenna. My pleasure.
Is there something interfering with your happiness, or is something preventing you from achieving your goals? Do you find yourself feeling numb or experiencing intense anxiety sometimes for no apparent reason? Do you feel like maybe everyone you know hates you and thinks you're a fraud? Like maybe they're talking about you behind your back, laughing at you about all the stupid things you say and do. Do you wonder if they're all hanging out together right now and didn't invite you on purpose? Do you feel that way? No?
Well, lucky you, you smug son of a bitch. Ooh, here comes Mr. Perfect with no unhealthy relationships or addictive vices. Some of us have shit to work out, okay? It's judgmental folk like you that make me thankful.
There's BetterHelp. BetterHelp will match you with your own licensed professional therapist so you can receive professional counseling securely and online. And with this special offer for topical listeners, you can get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical.
And remember everyone, you are not a fraud or a bad person. You are a good podcast host and lots of people respect you.
Well, if you thought that was all the news for today, I've got four more pieces of news for you. Number one, you're wrong. Here's what else you need to know today.
The Department of Defense unveiled a brand new thing that shoots today. The shooting object reportedly cost 83 million dollars and is capable of making people go bye-bye as well as making some other bigger, more expensive things go boom.
The CDC is issuing some new guidelines on how to properly lick your hands clean in order to prevent the spread of coronavirus. Similar to previous advice, the CDC still suggests you lick vigorously between your fingers and under your nails but now recommends you lick for the same amount of time it takes to sing Happy Birthday.
And U-Haul is begging its customers to stop using the company's storage units for loose milk, stating today in a press release that, quote, while we can't force you to stop, we know you're doing it and we just wish you wouldn't. And to that I say, try and stop me, U-Haul.
Well, that's it for the topical on this Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday, depending on when you listen. We know the news doesn't stop when this podcast does, so you can visit TheOnion.com for more on all the day's top stories. But whatever you do, do not take a single break from consuming the news. Don't even think about it, not even for a second, because you might miss something important. And if you do, you probably won't understand whatever I'm going to talk about tomorrow. We'll see you then. |
SaturdayNightLive | minky_snl | To How To Treat Your Man With Me, Minky Carmichael. The Show: We give advice to all the fine females that they're looking to land a man and keep his ass! as long as I'm joined by my sidekick, the beautiful Jen Fong-gravang. I love foolish women. I started drinking early.
Ha ha! Yes, you did. Now, would you look at all the beautiful ladies in the audience tonight? Mm! How to treat That man! Hit it! Now, that's how it is! this is my church, and Minky is my Priest. Ha ha! that's 100% true. Now, who's got a question for me? Right here, right here, right here, right here!
Okay, white girl with a little head. Oh, oh, me? Oh, okay, Minky.
So, uh, after a first date, I didn't sleep with the guy, right? because I didn't want to seem loose? But now he's not calling me back!
Hmm! let me consult with my relationship calculator. you went on a date, beep, beep, boop, boop. you didn't put out, beep, beep, boop, boop. And that equals, beep, beep, boop, boop.
Oh, it is! Oh, come on, Minky! he said what he said! shut up! Next question! Oh, Minky, Hi! Hi. So, here's what's up.
I was on a date and found porno in this guy's Vcr. Is that a red flag? What should I do? Girl, the only Vcr I care about is a very cool rack.
Slam it! that's how it is! that's what I'm going to send to you next! Um, hi, Minky, Hi, um, here's my problem. So, I was flirting with this guy, and he gave me his number, but I never called him. does that make me a bad person? Uh, yep. slam it!
I've never felt better in my life.
Next! Yes, hi, everyone. I'm Jada.
Oh, no, no. And I went on a date with Minky Carmichael. can we cut her mic? Okay, and I got to say, he had the worst penis I've ever seen. Yeah, cut her mic.
Now, please. I'm not trying to be mean, but it looks like an espresso cup.
Man, she's crazy. that is not 100% true. Anyone else have a question? Yeah, I have a question. What was so horrible about Minky's thing?
Okay, well, the length was okay. it just felt like there was nothing inside. what do you mean by that? Okay, like, at a certain point, he asked me, do you want me to close it? Oh, no. hold up. what was there to close? I don't know, but I would definitely describe it as open, like, hollow, like a piece of penne.
Minky sounds like. you know what? let me consult my, uh, bullcrap detecting computer. you called that Minky, because it looks like I'm getting effects. beep, boop, beep, boop, boop. All right, he's from the Penis Hospital. they say you need an emergency appointment. slam it. No, no, no, I'm the one who slams it. you don't slam it.
Ooh, ooh, I'm hearing from the Producers that we are out of time and canceled. which means I got to go back and finish high school. Bye, y'all! |
cracked | 4_superhero_mangas_too_kinky_for_american_audiences_canonball_batman_superman_punisher | Superheroes are everywhere. Our cinemas, our underwear, our public transportation, and not even our mangas are safe. Yeah, not content with taking over Western pop culture, superheroes have been spreading into the East via officially sanctioned Japanese-style comics. And we stress the word officially, because what you're about to see is just as demented as anything Batman Is My Daddy 69 might post on DeviantArt. Take off. So let's look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of Marvel and DC canon that make more sense when read from right to left, but not that much more sense. We're talking about the Joker's adventures in Bat Babysitting, the Punisher being gender-swapped into a crime-fighting dominatrix, and the food-centric Superman manga that got surprisingly steamy. This is Cannonball. As we've previously demonstrated, Superheroes plus manga is a wildly unpredictable formula that can yield anything from pure madness to pure sadness to pure, weird-ass comic where Spider-Man cranks it and fantasizes about killing everyone...ness. So let's spin the wheel once more and see what Japanese artists and American artists trying to draw like Japanese artists bring us this time. If I told you there's a comic where Batman is de-aged into a baby, and the Joker decides to raise him, you'd naturally assume it came out of the 60s when DC Comics was secretly dosing its writers with LSD and stuff like that happened to every other issue.
But no. This series started in the year of Our Lord 2021, and is still coming out today. How does this exist? The short answer is...because Japan.
The long answer is that One Operation Joker is an official collaboration between DC and Kodansha, publisher of acclaimed manga series like Attack on Titan, that time I got reincarnated as a slime, and she's adopted a high school boy. The story follows Batman after he falls into the same vat of chemicals that gave the Joker his permanent hair dye and comes out inexplicably transformed into a tiny bat bundle of joy. Wait, is that how Batfleck turned into Batman between the movies? Even less explicably, instead of chucking the baby into the nearest trash can, Joker decides that he has to raise him right so that he'll go back to being his nemesis one day, because he really meant it when he said, You complete me. Most of the manga is about the problems caused by Joker's inexperience as a single dad, like when he buys a type of diaper that's more Robin-sized. Hey, shouldn't Bat-Baby be wearing his diapers over his baby clothes? Joker is so stressed and sleep-deprived that some days he even forgets to put his own clown makeup on. Truly, this comic has pushed the character to his very limits. From the wonderful store where you bought them for him, because he wouldn't stop crying and you hadn't slept in two days. Joker quickly runs out of money to provide for the child, a problem compounded by his addiction to burning giant piles of cash. Joker has no choice but to apply to subsidized nursery schools, which results in this comic having way more pages about Joker waiting at government offices and filling out forms than the average Batman saga. Eventually it works, but the moment Joker tries to spend some time with his henchmen and Commissioner Gordon again, he has to bail.
The nursery school called to say Little Brucey is sick. At least Gordon is used to being ditched. That's rude.
But all these troubles are worth it when an amazed Joker gets to watch Baby Bruce stand on his own for the first time, bringing him one step closer to swinging over rooftops once again. Only like 25 more years until that happens. I can't wait for the issue where Joker and Harley have to explain the bats and the bees to a sulky bat teenager. Okay, so turning Batman into a baby in a manga is pretty weird, but look at it this way.
At least Japan didn't give him huge knockers. You know, like they did in...
The Marvel Mangaverse, featuring Lady Iron Man and Kinky Punisher. The Marvel Mangaverse is a line of comics that reimagines Marvel's most popular heroes in manga style, as if they were created in an alternate universe where Stan Lee actually had an Asian surname. So for instance, Wolverine has laser claws and dresses like he's about to yell, it's over 9000. Hulk is large enough to stomp buildings and wrestle Mothra. And Iron Man wears an armor that he clearly just traced from a Gundam episode. Oops, sorry, that she clearly just traced from a Gundam episode. See, by this point in the story, Tony Stark has been replaced by his sister, Tony with an I. AKA Iron Maiden. AKA Iron Beiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii- Tony with an I falls in love with Manga Bruce Banner. To the delight of Iron Man and Hulk fanfiction writers everywhere.
And they eventually ascend together into another dimension. Well, nude, of course, because it's not really a manga series if you don't get to see at least 80% of a boob before it's over.
I want one. Hey, come on, that's your sister. Meanwhile, the mangaverse version of The Punisher not only swapped the character's gender, but also changed his profession from former U.S. Marine to Japanese boarding school principal who secretly fights crime while dressed like a geisha, earning the title of kinkiest heroine in Tokyo. Why?
Because instead of just shooting criminals, her brand of punishment consists of whipping them, spanking their bottoms, and tickling their feet. Although not all criminals seem to consider this punishment. At least she appears to be getting some enjoyment out of it. I did it because I like it!
In her first and only issue, we learn that Lady Punisher's parents tragically perished in a freak pogo stick accident. Are there normal pogo stick accidents?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no Anyway, she fights a sinister crime boss called Ho, leader of the Skanki crime syndicate. So, uh, Skankie Ho, with her Skankie friends and Skankie family, as Punisher puts it. Man, you'd think someone in her line of work would be above slut-shaming.
Then there's some stuff about Punisher's sister finding a magical cursed sword and fighting a demon, but that's not really important. What's really important is, is the mangaverse like a metaverse thing? Does this mean the real Punisher is role-playing as a Japanese lady in some sort of VR game? It's alright Frank, no need to be ashamed. Every superhero needs their hobby, for example.
Number two, Superman's bizarre Japanese foodie adventure. When Kodansha, the same company responsible for the Joker's adventures in babysitting, got the rights to publish Superman stories in 2021, they asked themselves, what could a man of steel manga possibly be about? Evidently, the answer was, invincible flying aliens gorging on sushi. Superman vs. Meishi, which apparently translates to Superman vs. Rice, is about the last son of Krypton's single-minded pursuit for the perfect dish. Occasionally, he'll punch a villain, but it's mostly just eating. Just dozens and dozens of pages of Superman eating Japanese food and making O-faces. In fact, the pleasure Superman derives from these meals is so intense that sometimes he'll get too excited and have an involuntary discharge. Um, through the eyes. Dude, this is exactly why takeout food exists. Disorders to go. Superman is so fixated on Japanese cuisine that he even insists on bringing his friends along to Japan to taste his favorite dishes. Whether they want to or not, but they always end up surrendering to the delicious food, which, incidentally, is always rendered with way more detail than any of the characters. This is basically a cooking magazine with superheroes added in as an afterthought.
One story shows Superman using his long-neglected power to turn back time by flying really fast around the Earth, which his space dad specifically forbade. It is forbidden. But surely Marlon Brando would make an exception if he knew Superman just wanted to finish a plate the waitress took back before he was done eating. Oh, and remember that time Superman died?
This manga reveals the real reason he came back to life. Batman cooked something so delicious that he couldn't resist getting up for a bite, even though he was, you know, a corpse. Obviously, Superman's very thankful to his friend for saving his life. Very, very thankful.
Wait, no, that's from another issue where he tries to erase Batman's memory so he can shut him up and get back to eating hamburgers. Nothing to worry about here, Lois Lane. Yeah, not a whole lot of action in this manga. So let's balance that out with...
DC's Teen Titans had a long history in the comics before Teen Titans Go, which is less of a show and more of a meme factory for middle schoolers. For instance, in 1997, they starred in their very own manga, Titans. Scissor Paper Stone is a one-shot special by a Marimanga author, Adam Warren, who once made a Marvel comic about Galactus's hot anime babe of a daughter. In this one, a group of futuristic anime protagonists decide to form a team based on ancient myths about a group of legendary teenage heroes. Unfortunately, it looks like not a lot of information about those heroes has survived except for the fact that they had incredible powers and kind of silly names.
So Raven is now witchy-poo. Cyborg is prosthetic lass. Booyah! Starfire is dead pretty boy. The boy me is quite formidable. Robin is Captain Thug. And Beast Boy is not invited. Sorry about that.
Like in the original comics, these Titans are gathered by the team's magic user to defeat a giant monster. Witchy-poo makes it clear that she doesn't actually believe in superheroes, but she based the team on them anyway because, quote, superheroes never lose. So how does their first mission go? Not that well. The comic ends with Witchy-poo kneeling by Captain Thug's exploded corpse, splattered in his blood and saying, superheroes suck.
And that's why this was a one-off. Hold on. Did DC commission this thing to convince kids that mangas may look cool, but they're also insanely depressing and traumatizing? Because that's accurate. But we still kind of want to see an ongoing Titans manga where a different character is gruesomely murdered in every episode. Just one note. Next time, draw it in Teen Titans Go! style.
That'll make the gore much easier to swallow. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and jump in the comments and let us know if you've ever swallowed any gore.
What, thought that was a good take? No?
That she clearly just traced from a Gundam episode. See, by this point in the story, Tony Stark has been replaced by his sister, Tony, with an I. AKA Iron Maiden, AKA Iron Biiiiig! Tony, with an I, falls in love with Mongo Brew's banner to the delight of Iron Man and Hulk fanfiction writers everywhere. And they eventually ascend together into another dimension. Well, nude of course, because it's not really a manga series if you don't get to see at least 80% of a boob before it's over. I want one. Hey, come on, that's your sister. Meanwhile, the mangaverse version of The Punisher not only swapped the character's gender, but also changed his profession from former U.S. marine to Japanese boarding school principal who secretly fights crime while dressed like a geisha, earning the title of kinkiest heroine in Tokyo.
Why? Because instead of just shooting criminals, her brand of punishment consists of whipping at them, spanking their bottoms, and tickling their feet. Although not all criminals seem to consider this punishment. At least, she appears to be getting some enjoyment out of it. I did it because I like that!
In her first and only issue, we learn that Lady Punisher's parents tragically perished in a freak pogo stick accident. Are there normal pogo stick accidents?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Anyway, she fights a sinister crime boss called Ho, leader of the Skankie crime syndicate. So, uh, Skankie Ho, with her Skankie friends and Skankie family, as Punisher puts it. Man, you'd think someone in her line of work would be above slut-shaming.
Then there's some stuff about Punisher's sister finding a magical cursed sword and fighting a demon, but that's not really important. What's really important is, is the mangaverse like a metaverse thing? Does this mean the real Punisher is role-playing as a Japanese lady in some sort of VR game? It's alright Frank, no need to be ashamed. Every superhero needs their hobby, for example.
Number two, Superman's bizarre Japanese foodie adventure. When Kodansha, the same company responsible for the Joker's adventures in babysitting, got the rights to publish Superman stories in 2021, they asked themselves, what could a man of steel manga possibly be about? Evidently, the answer was, invincible flying aliens gorging on sushi. Superman vs. Meishi, which apparently translates to Superman vs. Rice, is about the last son of Krypton's single-minded pursuit for the perfect dish. Occasionally he'll punch a villain, but it's mostly just eating. Just dozens and dozens of pages of Superman eating Japanese food and making O-faces. In fact, the pleasure Superman derives from these meals is so intense that sometimes he'll get too excited and have an involuntary discharge. Um, through the eyes. Dude, this is exactly why takeout food exists. Superman is so fixated on Japanese cuisine that he even insists on bringing his friends along to Japan to taste his favorite dishes. Whether they want to or not, but they always end up surrendering to the delicious food, which incidentally is always rendered with way more detail than any of the characters. This is basically a cooking magazine with superheroes added in as an afterthought.
One story shows Superman using his long-neglected power to turn back time by flying really fast around the earth, which his space dad specifically forbade. It is forbidden. But surely Marlon Brando would make an exception if he knew Superman just wanted to finish a plate the waitress took back before he was done eating. Oh, and remember that time Superman died?
This manga reveals the real reason he came back to life. Batman cooked something so delicious that he couldn't resist getting up for a bite, even though he was, you know, a corpse. Obviously Superman's very thankful to his friend for saving his life. Very, very thankful.
Wait, no, that's from another issue where he tries to erase Batman's memory so he can shut him up and get back to eating hamburgers. Nothing to worry about here, Lois Lane. Yeah, not a whole lot of action in this manga. So let's balance that out with...
Number one, the Teen Titans gore. DC's Teen Titans had a long history in the comics before Teen Titans Go, which is less of a show and more of a meme factory for middle schoolers. Picture my booty up in 3D. For instance, in 1997, they starred in their very own manga, Titans. Scissor Paper Stone is a one-shot special by America manga author Adam Warren, who once made a Marvel comic about Galactus' hot anime babe of a daughter. In this one, a group of futuristic anime protagonists decide to form a team based on ancient myths about a group of legendary teenage heroes. Unfortunately, it looks like not a lot of information about those heroes has survived except for the fact that they had incredible powers and kind of silly names.
Like in the original comics, these Titans are gathered by the team's magic user to defeat a giant monster. Witchy-poo makes it clear that she doesn't actually believe in superheroes, but she based the team on them anyway because, quote, superheroes never lose. So how does their first mission go? Not that well. The comic ends with Witchy-poo kneeling by Captain Thug's exploded corpse, splattered in his blood and saying, superheroes suck.
And that's why this was a one-off. Hold on. Did DC commission this thing to convince kids that mangas may look cool but they're also insanely depressing and traumatizing? Because that's... accurate. But we still kind of want to see an ongoing Titans manga where a different character is gruesomely murdered in every episode. Just one note. Next time, draw it in Team Titan's go style.
That'll make the gore much easier to swallow. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and jump in the comments and let us know if you've ever swallowed any gore.
What? Thought that was a good take. No? |
cracked | seinfeld_easter_eggs_hidden_in_other_tv_shows | Let's get into the Seinfeld Easter eggs you may not have noticed. There's a Newman shout-out in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In the 2003 TMNT cartoon, a couple of bad guys are having a conversation about a loathsome coworker named Newman. One of them even gives their best Jerry-saying Newman impression during the interaction. Newman. Kramer is blatantly on Mad About You, where we learn that Paul Reiser's character used to live in Kramer's apartment. In season five of iCarly, the cast visits New York and goes to a place called Dan's Diner, which is a dead ringer for monks in Seinfeld. And the show exists in the King of the Hill universe. The highlight of the exchange is when Boom Howard describes the show and calls Jerry George and Kramer him dang old New York boy. It's always sunny in Philadelphia was originally pitched to FX as Seinfeld on crack and much of the show's patter is Seinfeldian in nature. It's most obvious tribute to Seinfeld is probably from season 13's The Gang Does Eclipse show when they reenact a scene from The Contest. |
dropout | hardly_working_darts | All right, another three bull's-eyes, so that's 16-2. I feel like I can't see the board. Hey, hey, Amir. What's that?
Some guy submitted a video to call a tumor. He put his hand on a dartboard, and some guy just threw a dart red into his palm. Oh, God, no way.
Let's do it for real. No, I'll do it. Yeah, I mean, I don't gamble or anything, so this is really all I have to live for. I'll do it.
Wait, wait, one second. Okay, I'm ready. You got this. Come on, Hurwitz. You got this. Come on, man. Just pretend you're at a bar, Hurwitz. Bull's-eyes.
Jake.
Dude, what is going on? Holy shit, dude. You got to see this. Go a fucking way.
Lie down.
I think it comes to the base of his brain. I'm going to pull it out. No, don't touch it. It hurts so bad.
Shut up. Just shut up.
I have to do this. No. I want Patrick to do it.
What?
I'll do it. Come on. Dude, people are trying to work. Jeff, are you getting my I.M.s? Nope. You know, this actually isn't as bad as I thought it would be. |
dropout | You_Can_t_Catch_a_Cold_in_Summer | Why do people call it that then? I don't know, but I don't think scotch tape is made out of Scottish people. They sound so similar.
I know. Bless you. Hey guys, what are we doing? Are you okay?
Oh I feel awful. My nose is runny, my throat itches, I can't stop sneezing. I don't know what it could be though. Do you think it's food poisoning? My stomach feels okay but maybe yeah.
Maybe it's heat stroke. Right, duh, heat stroke. Oh yeah, I should run myself an ice bath.
Yeah. Thanks Lily, I think you figured it out. What are you talking about? You clearly have a cold. What are you talking about? Christine, it's summer. So? So it's too hot to get colds because it's summertime?
My money's on food poisoning. I bet you ate some bad fish sometime yesterday after Janie sneezed in your face. Oh yeah, that fish was bad. You got a cold from Janie. Oh my god, Christine, are you dumb?
It's summertime. It's hot out, you can only get a cold when it's cold outside. I know, I know, I know. Wait, we have to fight with this. Christine, what Lily and I are saying is that you can only get hot sicknesses when it's warm out, like sun poisoning or Bieber fever. That's not an illness. Okay, then why do we both have it? When you have a cold, you get all bundled up, you sit in front of a fireplace and you drink hot tea. Yeah, we're like when I get a cold I turn into a snowman and my mom has to bring me inside and feed me hot chicken noodle soup until all the snow melts off.
This is so stupid. You have the chills. Not possible. Look, he's shaking. He has the Alabama shakes. That's a band.
Oh, so you think it's a cold play then? I think it's a cold because despite your childish ideals, you can catch a cold any time of the year regardless of how inconvenient or uncomfortable it might be. But I'm so healthy usually. Tao, you have a cold.
What is this? What is this feeling I'm feeling?
You're just sad. No, I'm not. I can't be sad in the summer. Dumb.
All those straws. Give them to me. |
dropout | i_can_t_believe_you_tried_to_purge_me_ch_does_the_purge | Hey girl, I'm purging to the very last second. Me too.
No! What the fuck, Katie? Oh! God, no! Fuck! Crazy bitch!
And this concludes the annual purge. Have a wonderful day.
Um, Katie? Yeah, what's up? What was that? What was what?
You're trying to kill me! It was the purge. That's what you're supposed to do. When you bashed my leg and stabbed me in the stomach, that really hurt my feelings. Well, I don't know what you want me to say, okay? That's just how it's done. You're just being really sensitive. I just can't believe you would do that to me. That's so awkward. Confronting someone about their purge actions is like asking someone while they unfriend at you on Facebook. Well, I just failed my trade. Okay, this is gonna sound bad, but maybe you're just mad because I know how to purge better than you.
Ugh, whatever, let's just drop it. Can I just get some water? Of course. Hey, maybe we could plan that road trip we've been talking about, you know? Maybe we can finally get around to that.
I can't. I'm busy.
Forever? Let me check. Yup, forever.
You're still mad? How are you still mad? Because it just fucking happened! Ow! You know, you're not completely innocent here, okay?
I saw you spray painting. I was spray painting finder light!
That's still super illegal, okay? That is, you would go to jail if this were not the purge.
Wow, okay, I guess I'll be the one to call my own ambulance. I'll do it, okay? I'm a good friend. Hi, I have my friend here who was stabbed. By you? And she needs an ambulance, yeah. Okay, thank you. They said the wait time for an ambulance is 90 days.
I think it might have something to do with the purge. Yeah, of course it has to do with the purge.
And now I'm going to die, because of you! No! Don't touch me, murderer! I'm not trying to purge you now, okay? I purged you during the purge when you're supposed to be purging. I can't believe you won't say sorry. I shouldn't have to! It was the purge! Why are you not understanding this? Oh, god damn it. Where are you going? Cynthia, you should not be walking. Oh man. I feel really guilty for some reason. Don't feel guilty! It's the purge!
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
cracked | 10_easter_eggs_you_never_noticed_in_your_favorite_shows | I don't want to hear it, McBain! You're outta here!
And as soon as we nail Mendoza, my old lady and I gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened a boat.
I can't avenge my partner's death with this pea shooter. I don't want to hear it, McBain. That penalty of yours is against regulations. Have you taken care of McBain?
You don't have to worry, Senator Mendoza. Anymore, new business. Only your desk.
What's the blonde's name? Bitter butter beetle juice? Don't you usually wear the stripy turquoise beetle juice numbers? Spooky party, the beetle juice soundtrack and... So, this is just your life now?
I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town. Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. Cougar Town.
Yeah, you know, why not? Why not just max out my credit card and just go to Hawaii?
I pooped my pants. And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes any sense at all.
Really? Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
So good to see you, May May. You look wonderful. And you look exactly the same as the day I left. I love this ship.
I just don't want to die on it. I want to die at all.
Her secret was that she was dying. She had a terminal thing and so that's why she's... Simon couldn't cure her.
That's correct.
That's why she says to him, you know, he says, I don't want to die on this ship. And she says, I don't want to die at all.
Here's Michael at a bluth company. I was almost attacked last night in my own home. I walk in and there's a colored man in my kitchen.
Colored? What color was he exactly? Blue.
Tobias, walking down a street he'd been down many times, saw a book he'd written years earlier as a psychiatrist. I usually don't even go to these things. And perhaps it was because he reminded her so much of Tobias when they first started dating. People hear the name Tobias.
They think big black guy. Well, obviously, I'm not a big guy. No, Frankie, tell me.
Can I get my five bucks? Yes, you can get your five bucks. Goddamn, you're a greedy bastard.
Pizza delivery for... for, uh, icy wiener. Name? I, period C, period wiener.
I was almost attacked last night in my own home. I walk in and there's a colored man in my kitchen.
Colored? What color was he exactly? Blue.
Tobias, walking down a street he'd been down many times, saw a book he'd written years earlier as a psychiatrist. I usually don't even go to these things. And perhaps it was because he reminded her so much of Tobias when they first started dating. People hear the name Tobias.
They think big black guy. Well, obviously, I'm not a big guy. No, Frankie, tell me.
Can I get my five bucks? Yes, you can get your five bucks. Goddamn, you're a greedy bastard.
Pizza delivery for, uh... icy wiener. Name? I, period C, period wiener. |
cracked | 14_super_powers_that_every_movie_character_apparently_has_after_hours | And he says it's a pineapple! Get it? Pineapple!
No, no. There was a punch line. I heard it. And if I don't get the setup, my OCD is going to get pent up and I'll land your eyes. It wasn't even a real half of a joke.
He was just talking about a simple plan. Fonda, Paxton, Thornton, Ramey, 98, Snow, plans, simplicity. Yeah. Good.
Well, they tell that half of the joke like four times in that movie, but never the other half. What's a pineapple then? Classic movie movie. It's a way to make your characters seem charming and funny without you actually having to write a joke.
Oh, that reminds me. But that's a real nice ski mask. This one's eating my popcorn. You never heard of course. Your house. The gorilla suit has to go. Purple hat. May I push in your store? That is a great superpower. I take it. Oh, hey.
If you had to choose one hacky convention from TV or movies to be true in your life, which would you choose and why? If you could pick one hacky convention from TV or movies to be true in your life, which one would you choose and why?
I like in sitcoms how when they come back from a commercial break or an intro sequence, they repeat the scene they just did so you don't get confused. I feel like I'd absorb a lot more of what life has to offer if I got refreshers. Doesn't that imply you'd be jumping back in time? Could you alter it the second time around? No, no, no. It's just like on TV. What you did is locked in. It's a rerun. I think I'd like the opposite power. In movies and TV, people are always jumping forward to a new time or location, but continuing the same conversation they were having. I'd love if I could start telling a story at my house and then finish it at work, and all the people who were at both places heard the full story.
Huge time saver. Sure. If your primary goal is to minimize the amount of human interaction you have in a day. That's exactly right. I like the efficiency angle.
So much of what people say is just filler. It'd be really nice if all of you only said things that advanced the plot of my life or came into play later in some way. No, pointless, awkward interactions.
You never mishear someone or stumble over your words, but if you do, you can be pretty certain that you're going to fall in love with that person. I was going to say I work here, but it seems like you in fact do work here, so you know that I don't in fact work here. You're fine, man.
Are you f***ing retarded? Do you want me to be f***ing retarded? No, no, no, no, no. I was wondering, I don't, I don't know...
Who's in the car? The position of the car.
Well, thank you. Thank you. Smooth.
How great would it be to end any phone call the second you get all the information you need? Just hang up without another word.
You do that to me all the time. Right. But I mean without it being considered rude. Go. Now. Okay. No booze. I'm in the phone door. Okay. 463. Yeah, I'll be at practice. Well, I guess that's all you can do. I'll put a couple of stiffs on the hood. I understand. I'll give her the message, right? Good.
If we're talking about efficient ways to deploy life's story, we gotta go with the power to turn on TV news at any time, secure in the knowledge they'll be reporting on something directly affecting you. You just don't want to watch the news. You know no one's making you watch it. You don't have to. I am sick of having to incite a riot to see myself on TV.
Just once. I want to randomly flip it on and they're talking about a contest, the grand prize for which is cash and the exact amount that I was just telling my best friend I desperately need this month in order to avoid getting evicted. Those busters. First National Monument.
But no regard for anyone but yourself. 35-year-old Sarah Ann Connem. Religious groups are calling it Judgment Day.
And imagine the impact if that had come on right when we turned on the TV. Okay, so what you're saying is that you, Michael, want the ability to live in a world where everything is dumber and information is spoon-fed to you. Yes. For some reason, I am confused. Like, all the time. I mean, on a screen, everything is just a shade simpler.
Doctors, lawyers. We're going to tinker with your ticker. And you'll be violating attorney dumpster confidentiality. Mike, putting too much air in a balloon.
You can go to a bartender and just say, hey, give me a beer, buddy. Two beers, please.
You got it. It's great.
You know, everyone constantly reminding you of stuff you should already know and recapping your life for you. Maybe we should go over the plan again. Charlie, can you please remind everyone of the rules?
My uterus is an inhospitable environment. I can't believe my sperm have low motility.
I have an Elizabeth on line three. Your ex-wife?
I know who it is. As long as we're recapping things that we already know. If this volcano erupts, the planet dies. Proper name. Police name. Backstory stuff. The quest will claim his life. You know this. Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
Why? I'd barely have to pay attention at all. Tell me the whole thing again. I wasn't listening.
Right. Easy solutions for everyday life. Like how on TV I'd always have just a little bit of foundation and my hair kind of done. Even if I was just waking up or getting done boning. Ooh.
L-shaped blankets. You know, in TV, sex scenes. A lot of times the women are under L-shaped blankets covering up the very boobs they were presumably just tossing about willy-nilly.
Girls don't really do that, right? I've never once had sex in a bed. Usually if we don't want you to see us naked then we don't get in the bed in the first place.
Well, the occasions on which I've been called upon to make love for a woman would have been much nicer if we didn't have to look at each other afterwards. All ruddy and squishy and synned up. I just like TV sex better. It's like a witty post-sex conversation. Yeah, but that begs the question. Do you even get to have sex? I mean, or do you just go to the bar and then black out and when you come to you're just with a woman in bed naked from the waist up bantering. Is that sex to you?
I haven't been f***ed like that since grade school. Anything out here for me, okay? I'm looking at you. You're attracted to girls. My career's slowed down a little lately. Ooh.
What about you can say anything in that tone of voice that's like, no. I would never do that. No, no. No, no, no, no, no. There is no way I'm gone. I am not watching The Notebook again. There's no way they're gonna kill the mother of a six-month-old baby. Then you black out and you wake up and it's happening. Nope.
Can somebody help me find The Notebook? Endless applications.
What about never having to go to the bathroom again? That'd be nice. Well, you'd still have to go occasionally.
You just know something was gonna happen while you're in there. No pointless trips to the John in movies. You're either gonna s*** it hilariously. A guy's gonna attack you. You're gonna overhear some key info. Every time you poop, it's an event.
No. I love my bathroom time. It's one of the few peaceful hours of my day. I don't think I'd give that up. Hours?
You might want to look into that. I read. I reminisce. I imagine. What about flashbacks and fantasies? Kind of synonyms of what I just said. Not really sure what you added.
In movies and TV shows, flashbacks and fantasies are all shot on sets with actors. This implies that everyone has objectively factual memories and photorealistic imaginations. Witnesses to a crime would have perfect recall. If you want to imagine yourself on a tropical island, you could do that. And then literally watch a little movie of you doing that thing you're imagining.
I was already gone. Holy inferiority complex, Batman. I wonder what life would've been like back then. Back then. I was in the Air Force. Saturday was actually a crazy night for me.
Okay, I remember this now. I remember this, right?
What are you doing? I'm trying to have a snatch bag.
And sometimes, if you're on a really shitty show, everyone you're telling the story to will see the exact memory point by point. So your TV power would be objective recall? Yeah. Or the no awkward moments thing. I'm not sure I'd want to remember everything perfectly accurately. Some revisions are for the best.
Like a decade from now, I will remember this diner haisily as some sort of gym. And you three will have been my spotters. I'll never shut up. Okay, what about phlebotom?
We haven't talked about that yet. We haven't. I certainly would remember that if we hadn't.
See, in a movie or TV show, one or all of the other characters in the scene would've never heard of that nonsense forcing you to explain it. Okay, phlebotom, first coined on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer set, is a substance artifact or object that, when put in the story, magically solves all the problems. If you could just get your hands on that unobtanium. Also known as hand-wavium or simply, Deus Ex Machina.
I want the power where all of life's challenges are for sure solvable and have objective goals. Characters on TV always know exactly what they want to achieve. Wherein in real life, half of the battle is just trying to figure out what you want, or what you want to do, or even mustering up the energy to care. It would be great to know that my life would definitely improve if I would just have to go get a thing, or learn a one sentence lesson, or better yet, if the answer was inside of me all along. Oh, like an alien. All from the comfort of my unrealistically affordable apartment. Of course you're kind of touching on the best part of TV and movies and the whole reason we watched them in the first place. Story structure. Every one of them assumes that life makes sense, that there's a clear arc, cause and effect, everything efficiently moves toward a conclusion. But it's just as often an exciting murder as it is happily ever after. Yeah, I mean it's not always happy, but at least it's cohesive. In real life, sometimes there aren't endings, or foreshadowing turns out to be meaningless, and there are just some questions that can't be answered. The real power that I would want is the one that all sitcom families share. And that's the ability, every episode, at the end, for everything to just go back to normal. For everyone to be safe, and happy, and for you to quietly be reminded of your place in the cosmic order.
I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer, and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked. I'm glad today's behind us. We did it! I'm certainly glad we got that all straightened out. Boy, I'm glad that's over. Not only got my job back, but Mr. Angelino gave me a raise as well. I think everything worked out nicely. I'm glad everything worked out alright for ya.
And no one will ever mention it again, under penalty of torture. I was gonna say, hey, how about in restaurant scenes, when the meals come and the actors don't eat, they just keep talking and let the food congeal.
What about it? I think art is a mirror unto life is all. You gonna drink that beer? Holy shit, where did this come from?
Hey, YouTube! Thanks for watching our, I don't know what TV thing on TV superpower would you want as a superpower episode. If you can think of other great ways that TV constantly screws up that you could use as a loophole superpower, go ahead and post your suggestion in the comments below. Yeah, and make sure to subscribe to Crack's channel on the YouTubes. And also, if you have any ideas for an after-hour episode that you are just dying to see, write them in the comments, and then we're gonna take your ideas. Yeah, like if you want like a Pixar episode or a Batman episode, catch the fuck up on the series, we did those like two seasons ago. Yeah. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_41_the_12th_man_billy_birmingham_classic_episode | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooner Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello and good afternoon if you're listening from inside the channel country and a very good afternoon, good evening, good morning, slummoed puggies, slummoed mollum, whatever whatever if you're listening around the world on the podcast. Yes hello listeners, I'm Clancy Overall, I'm sitting here in Koala Mattress Studios as always with Errol Parker, we've got an iconic guest in the studio with us today for our show and we're going to get straight into it.
Yes he's one of the voices, if not the voice of cricket in this country and I'm sure the vast majority of you listening to us right now have heard one of his famous impressions. We're of course talking about the twelfth man, comedian, journalist and of course impressionist, Billy Birmingham. Yes he's been a staple in Dad's Christmas stocking for nearly three decades, a true audio artist and he's willing to give us a little taste of those voices that he made so famous over the years.
But before we get into that, this podcast this week is brought to you by our friends down south at UTS In Search. Yes it's that time of the year again when many of our country's high school leavers have been given a single mark as a summary of their 13 years of schooling in what we now call an education and thinking about what's coming up next for themselves. Yes that's right there are some of them down there who haven't had a sip of alcohol yet and think that getting a perfect ATAR will give you a perfect life, well guess what, it doesn't. That's where UTS In Search comes into the picture. That's another way into university, into the university of technology in Sydney. They offer all kinds of diploma programs that can get you into a second year of a UTS degree. Perfect for young people who haven't forfeited their teenage years to be defined by their ATAR. So if you didn't get an ideal ATAR and don't have a job as an editor of a newspaper promised to you by your old man like Clancy did, have a look at what they have got on offer. UTS In Search are hosting two Q&A webinars both today and tomorrow. You can hear from previous HSC students about how they bounced back from their ATAR and they might have some tips on how to deal with sticky big relatives like Arnie Moore at Christmas. Check them out at insert.edu.au for more details. Yes if you need it they've got you covered. So thank you to UTS In Search for getting behind independent regional media and let's get into today's show.
Sitting here in the recording studio Desert Rock FM with a very influential guest to a lot of Australians. He's influential to our newspaper, influential to many many people who enjoy summer and enjoy the sound of summer.
Yourself Billy Birmingham thanks for joining us. Thanks very much boys. Nice to be in this part of Australia, I haven't been here for a long time. It's good that you've made it all the way out here to the edge of the Simpson Desert. Yeah well it's not a place a lot of people get to often and a chance to come out here and have a chat with you guys is something I've been looking forward to and now I've finally made it.
I'm here and I'm thirsty. Beautiful. Well we've got plenty of a tuna bitter for you. There you go. Now mate. I'm going to have a sip of some now. You can get it riding, you can get it rooting a cow. Matter of fact I'm rooting one now. Woah nelly. Now we want to talk to you about the career you've had obviously.
Long des yens.
And how much the status quo has changed from what it used to be in the 70s to the bastardisation of what it's become now. Yeah. What cricket do you mean? The bastardisation?
The commentary.
Look we're here in Batuda basically when you know the news is still fresh out of the oven that Channel 9 have lost to cricket and to a lot of people not even just young people but you know people my age I'm 65 next month. Fuck that sounds old doesn't it? But anyway a lot of people like me had lost fucking interest in cricket until Kerry Packer got hold of it in you know 78 or whatever and with Richie Benno, Tony Gregg, John Cornell's strop that a lot of people know him as and Hoag's and a lot of people revolutionised the game and I don't think I can blow enough smoke up Kerry Packer's arse anyone who makes a dollar out of cricket in 2018 owes a shitload of gratitude to Kerry Packer and those aforementioned people but you know that was kind of a revolution of the game of cricket. You know the way the game was presented you know with the coloured uniforms and the cameras everywhere and I always imagine KP saying oh this is a fucking gladiatorial fucking sport. You know I'm like hurling a fucking rock down at someone at 100 miles an hour. As it goes it's got fucking steeped in history why isn't anyone fucking watching? And you know so they've come up with this idea of how they cover the game. Late night. Late night coloured uniforms, lights you know and cameras everywhere and all the naysayers who were freaking out about the five-day game going to suffer as a result of this 50 over game that you know Kerry focused on they'd played one-day games but they hadn't focused on it whereas Packer decided to give sort of equal weight to these one-day games where people come along spend the day or the night or the whole series the whole session rather and go home with the result. Cricket in all of its forms has flourished ever since. Do you reckon that had a ripple effect around the world as well?
Oh absolutely so the Poms especially were horrified that these fucking Antipodean wankers had fucking got a hold of the what the fuck are they doing in our game? I remember Sir Anthony Arboiledeg I think was his name the chairman of the like at MCC he was like what the fuck's going on here? And you know they were really you know coloured uniform what the fuck's going on?
The creams. They were wearing their pajamas down there. They were wearing pajamas and under lights no no no no. But every form of the game flourished and as I said it's continued to do so over the last what was it 78 what are we doing at 40 something years and anyone who makes it a quid out of the game in 2018 owes a lot to Kerry Packer and those other trailblazers who grabbed the game by the fruff of the scrote or the scruff of the throat depending on what school he went to and gave it the re-presentation. The re-energizing that it needed. It had a similar effect as say State of Origin football did on rugby league where they kind of just amped it up to that kind of explosive world wrestling level.
Yeah absolutely absolutely. Stating his stake, mating his mate and all that sort of thing.
And Darryl Eastlake was one of my favourite voices to do and he died recently they're all fucking carking. Do you stop? I'm getting phone calls from people saying can you fucking re-edit your record and take me off it? Because everyone who you've taken the piss out of is dying. Tony Gregg, fucking Max Walker, Richie Beno, Darryl Eastlake, Mike Gibson. They're all gone. Oh no. Oh fuck get me off those fucking records. Bill Orrie's particularly worried. Fuck me. Do you stop doing them once they die?
Yeah well I kind of have to. I mean I did a posthumous I mean Richie Beno I did a greatest hits you know like the best of Richie. I did a greatest hits general record which was called Willy Nilly and then when Richie carked it a few years later I decided I mean the guy's been the backbone of you know every record I've done. He's been there. Even when I did a wide world of sports record I managed to shoehorn Richie in there you know.
Typical stinking fucking hot day here in Bombay you know and all that.
I always had a cross to him somewhere in the world. And he was the mainstay, the backbone, he was where I started. And it was his voice that got me into the whole 12 man thing back in the early 80s.
I think I had him calling down from heaven for some radio skits that I did you know put the choral orchestra in the background with some sort of harp trill check one two and a bit of echo on his voice. And Kerry I'll be there in a sec you know whatever the fuck we're having a game of poker here where are you? It won't be a sec just on the phone to Australia. And so I think I've done him from heaven. A lot of people I mean all the Facebook people will say to me Billy now they're all dead you know maybe it's time to have a game in heaven you know where you get Max Walker and Tony Gregg and Richie commentating.
Hansi Kronia. Hansi Kronia that's right yes. I'll have 50 on the nose Australia. Hansi he denied that that plane was fixed.
Hey watch out for that mountain boy. We're going in for a closer look now. Oh fuck. Hansi Kronia yeah but you know I've had such a good run with the whole 12 man thing. You know it's a pity it has to come to an end but it's like you know all good things it has come to an end if I was to do another one now I don't really feel the passion to do another one.
Could you do a warning? Is there a warning out there?
No that's what I'm doing. If you wanted to look at the current crop of commentators on Channel 9 since Richie passed away so the last three years you know Slats and Heels and Brett Lee. And Mark. And which Mark have you got? Mark Nicholas. Oh Mark Nicholas yes. Well you've done Mark with the South African voices. Well you threw me out of gear there. I can't work out who he's doing there. Mark Nicholas.
None of those guys have got any voices that are easy to take the piss out of.
I mean it was a godsend for me. You know back in 78 when they first came on air. Because you know I just sat around my lounge room doing.
I said do you guys know Richie sounded like this? You know because we all knew Richie Benard. You know blokes my age knew Richie Benard as a sort of you know former Australian skipper and a bit of a legend. Smooth X we remember him with his Smooth X ads. Smooth X. But anyway none of us had this idea. Any idea that he spoke with this weird voice you know. Fuck it ain't now that Richie sounded like this.
And so we're all sitting around the lounge room enjoying cricket again. With the new repackaging.
Where were you living at this time of your life? I was living. Where were we? So it was the late 70s.
So I was the Northern Beaches. Sydney. I mean Sydney. Yeah Northern Beaches in Sydney Australia. And then I ended up around the leafy North Shore of Sydney.
Abbott Country. Yes is it Tony Abbott up around that way? In County Abbott. Yeah I think Tony Abbott is on the cusp I think you'll find between the leafy North Shore and the Northern Beaches.
I suppose it would be Smoke and Joe Country down there. Smoke and Joe.
But it was around Linfield if anyone knows the leafy North Shore. I was in Linfield when I was. Dick Smith Country.
Yes. When I started loving the game of cricket again. And you know like a lot of people we were all sitting around. Because it was on once Channel 9's presentation of the Packer version of cricket started. We're talking November, December, January, February, four months. And large chunks of TV time was spent with Richie and Bill and Tony and Max and all these guys presenting cricket to us. So you know we were loving the new presentation of the game and having a few beers.
And then you know if you have a penchant or a pinchient as Ray Warren would say a pinchient for taking the piss out of voices like I did you would just fuck listen to Richie would you? You know Marvellous was the adjective du jour was his favourite and super stuff. And then the fucking bottom lip had a mind of its own you know. And the two the way he said two for 22. And you had to get your lips into the shape of a cat's ass to say it properly. Two for 22.
And then no bit of worry. Oh I got him yeah. All the guy did was just you know fucking block the ball back down the pitch. Oh super shot. And it wasn't a super shot he just fucking blocked it back down the pitch. And Tony with the hard and fast and whatever and they were just made you know. Yeah.
Maxie Wooke over that big old break in the house. He had a big smile and stuff. So someone has the schnozzie here they are Max and Fern. But it was just for someone who had a pinchient for taking the piss out of voices it was manna from heaven.
You working in radio? You just jumped straight in as well. The two businesses that I had dabbled in from 1970 when I left school to 19 sort of 80 was advertising in the music business. I used to work for EMI Music and I spent a bit of time in a couple of advertising agencies.
So that was my background and I was thrown together with ostentatious and I wrote Australiana for him. And that was because just a couple of people that I was social friends of mine he said that he wanted to write some comedy or do some comedy and I think they threw him my way because I was quote funny at parties unquote. So that's when Austin and I got together. Can you give us some numbers on how that did because from memory that was number one for It was a live album Yeah we did a live recording of it. I wrote Australiana was just instead of saying it was a bear a clattin' catholic and it was a popeshit in the woods and all those sort of you know I used to say how much can a koala bear and just does a wombat and it was just stupid fucking one-liners and Sandy who's Austin's real name I gave him the name ostentatious from Austin, Texas. I don't know why. Anyway he used to throw those lines out on stage whenever he was whenever something didn't work he'd say oh fuck how much can a koala bear and for some reason he'd get the audience back again with a bit of a chuckle so I ended up writing the whole thing I wrote down all of the ones that I had and then I just wrote down all of the others that I could think of you know do you want a game of eucalyptus veggie might come too nullabores me shitless That whole thing has aged pretty well too You could have had some hot mid-80s kinda Yeah well it went to number one and then we were taken to court Brashas was the name of a record outlet in Victoria and the Victorian Vice Squad raided Brashas' store and charged them with two offences one was selling an obscene item which was all to do with the B side of Australiana, it wasn't Australiana itself They took them to court for selling an obscene item and keeping on their premises for the purpose of sale an obscene item So Austin and I obviously thought this is a fucking golden opportunity for a bit of publicity so we turned up to the court in Melbourne and listened to this cop playing the B side of Australiana on a ghetto blaster and the magistrate was fucking half asleep and he obviously just couldn't give a fuck I was just like what am I wasting my time with this for and the cops tried to prove that this B side I can't even remember what the fucking sketch was or what the offensive line was but anyway and it was the day, because I remember getting dressed up for court in a hotel in Melbourne and it was the day anyone who sucks anyone for not turning up to work today is a bum so it was a momentous day that we won the America's Cup and Bob's there in the fucking stripey jacket telling everyone he's back on the piss and we won the America's Cup Bob's telling any boss who sucks anyone's a bum and then after that momentous event we jumped a cab down to the major state's court and listened to this cop playing Australiana so this was the number one record and it went from number one in every state and number one nationally to absolutely nowhere because the record company decided that not one more copy would leave the warehouse as a result of the charges levelled against so it was ridiculous so it's the only record to go number one twice because as soon as the magistrate whose final words were I've heard everything here today I don't know why we're here actually but I've heard everything today I've just proven I don't think it's an obscene item and I'm going to lunch and slams down the gavel I'm going to lunch as if we all needed to fucking know that so anyway it went out again and it went to number one so I think it has got released twice and therefore is one of the few records but at the time it became the biggest selling Australian single of all time knocking off my old mate Slim Dusty who would have been very big around these parts and I got to work with Slim a lot with my job at EMI I used to take Slim around to do his interviews and got pretty close to him and Joy his wife, he was a lovely guy Can you do a Slim?
No, Slim was just a nosy voice that's all you know another one of those ones where he just sounded like everyone, sounded like the black up the road you know Slim's pub was no mere had been the highest selling Australian single of all time and we knocked him off with Australiana for which I had to apologise profusely to Slim So there's a guy that made a lot of cash on Pub With No Beer the guy that had done the B side I don't think it was Stan Costa with some other blow in Yeah well Stan wrote a lot of Slim's stuff and Shorty Ranger Shorty Ranger wrote a lot of Slim's stuff, I remember I had to take Slim out to This Is Your Life out at Channel 9 in the Matt Munro days or was it Mike Woodacy I think? Mike Woodacy might have been the host, of course it's had more incarnations as you know This Is Your Life, in fact it's probably time to bring it back, you know how a program, they sort of run out of old enough people when they start doing Leighton Hewitt This Is Your Life you know you're fucking you know, seriously the guy's fucking 28 and they're doing This Is Your Life so they've obviously run out of people so I think what happens is they let a few people catch up and then they'll bring it back again Mike Munro who I had Bill Laurie calling Matt Munro constantly through the Bill Laurie This Is Your Life record back in 97 or whenever it was but they'll bring that one back soon and why am I talking about that? Oh yeah because they had to take Slim out to Channel 9 and Shorty Ranger was there and Stan Costa and all the people he just mentioned and Batuta would have been one of, you know I'm sure it would have been one of Slim's stop offs Well he sings about the diamond tuner a lot If you had to appear on a show like that who do you think would walk you out? Walk me out? They never walked people out the guy would do the big announcements and then they would just remind me here boys, they'd catch up with you at some thing and Mike Munro springing out from behind so I'd be here talking to you guys in Batuta or wherever back in Sydney or fucking Brisbane and the door would open and there'd be a camera crew and he'd be carrying the big book and I'd be going oh what the fuck and he'd be going Billy Birmingham this is your life oh my god fuck and look I'm sure most I'm sure most of the people might have been the odd person who knew that it was going to happen I remember John Farnham said if I ever see Mike Munro with that fucking red book I'm going to punch his lights out Farnham had no interest whatsoever and he knew that he was a top contender once he got into his 50s he was like I could easily be a target and he said to Wheatley do you tell those fucking people they come anywhere fucking near me they're going to get some footage for the ages Mike Munro one thing it's funny with your career as you said when they repackaged repackaged cricket Channel 9 and Packard were looking at people living off the back of cricket living off the back of the great game and then further more there's this other bloke living off the back of Channel 9 living off cricket so did you have any kind of interaction with Channel 9 at all? Channel 9 have Channel 9 have shown I would have to call because I've worked in the music business because I have taken I worked at EMI in 75 so I had to PR and promote a lot of artists you know whether it was McCartney when he was touring in Australia or any artists could have been the Hollies could have been Susie Quattro could have been anyone who's coming out to Australia and you've got to squire them around and take them to interviews and then similarly with our local artists you know there was the day I joined was when Little River Band launched their first album so I had to take those guys around ACDC I had to take down to radio studios to do interviews and stuff and I was I saw how the music business and the record business worked and I saw how much promotion and publicity artists were given you know especially if they're having a level of success it was a bit hard when you were trying to flog someone that it wasn't them but once you had an established artist people were clamoring to have interviews with them what I've always found is that the 12th man has been a bit of a hard as in difficult sell it didn't matter about the level of success so Channel 9's approval and support of me was not commensurate with the level of success that I was having wasn't necessary well it wasn't necessary it pissed me off you know often when you know like it took me 30 years to be interviewed in the Channel 9 you know cricket telecast yeah which was they was it 10 or 15 years ago they started the cricket show which came on in the middle of the cricket and I know my record companies have tried to get me onto various shows you know cause I'm not most of my stuff's been word of mouth so I've never actually sort of been a publicity hound but obviously to get the word of mouth going you know you're not gonna go and make a record and then clam up you're gonna go and do a few things so I've always been ready and willing to go and have a bit of a yarn whether it's with bloody our current affair or bloody Dickie Wilkins on the today show or you know whatever just to get the word of mouth going which has been my stock and trade people talking and shouting 12th man's got another freaking record out you know and the next minute I'm you know selling well so Channel 9 have you know I've been on a few things but because I know how much support a successful act is usually getting it always amazed me how difficult it was to get the sort of you know coverage on Channel 9 like why on earth they wouldn't have me on the cricket 30 years I mean that's a fucking long time I'd had five six number one albums taking the piss out of their product you know it was just too fucking weird you know it's all very well to be having a chat with Dickie Wilkins on the today show but why wasn't I having a chat with Slats and Warnie during the cricket show and when I finally did it was just it was fucking magic you know because it was a rain delay up at the gabber and it started hailing and I was oh so I mean it's a hail you know I was like it just went I was I was supposed to do one five minute bit and then it started hailing in the middle of the gabber so they asked me to stay on and I just had a really great you gave it to him I just gave it to him I had a great 20 minutes 20 minutes of just you know ripping the piss and having a bit of fun and they were all I mean all those guys were big fans you know it wasn't like it wasn't like they weren't having me on I don't know why they were so reluctant to I think it might have been might have been that they thought they all read Richie the wrong way yeah a lot of people think that Richie you know didn't like what I was doing what Richie had this objection to and it was a fine line was that he started to become what he thought was a mouthpiece for selling records for me and he was very commercially unaware Richie you know he hated a couple of people did some ads using a Richie Benno voice which was two of us were pissed off me for one because they were using my material you know it wasn't like they'd written a fresh script it was all tuned for 22 and marvelous and they were sort of ripping the 12th man off to sell Subaru motor cars or whatever and Richie was pissed off because I don't like people using my voice for commercial purposes so I think that was the thing with Richie and then it started once I'd got my level of success Richie couldn't go anywhere without you know they'd be asking him about his career and asking him about the channel 9 thing and all that they wouldn't let him go without saying Richie you can't just go Billy Birmingham the 12th man records you know you could just hear him you didn't have to hear it you could see it in his face for fuck's sake I mean can't I go anywhere without bloody having to talk about this prick even when he was in the autobiography they would be asking him Richie before you go Billy Birmingham's 12th man stuff look uh Billy's a clever guy I remember him saying on one interview Billy's a clever guy uh and uh he's obviously very popular uh people like what he does but I don't like uh all of the swearing that he has on his uh recordings I don't use that sort of language nor do any of my fellow commentators I mean have been thrown off channel 9 three times the swearing he didn't realize the microphone was still on he's going what the fuck's going on here you know and then the final one was when he said Jesus fucking Christ so he got everyone they were blaspheming and um Kerry had to give him a mandatory three weeks off and you know front page of the paper I apologize I didn't know the microphone was still turned on but you know this thing of Richie like I don't use that sort of language nor do any of my fellow commentators and he also the other sort of Glenn McGraw you know the guy would hang the bat up to dry and it would almost take the outside edge and McGraw would be glaring at the fucking batsman going you fucking lucky you know and Stevie Wonder could tell what he's just said and uh Richie would think that was very funny uh ah yes sir Richie and he says Glenn McGraw just uh checking on the welfare of the batsman there you know he'd make some sort of coy about what was just said but so and I know people who'd met him and said that in social occasions on social occasions and in social settings Richie was not averse to you know chucking around but it was this sort of a little bit sanctimonious but I remember saying I don't use that sort of language nor do any of my fellow commentators and uh I took great exception to his recent record where he had my wife on it now that sounded like the way he put it was it sounded like I'd actually got his wife to come and you know play her role in the studio he meant to say where he took the piss out of my wife but um it sounded like I'd got Daphne down there and he gave her a couple of cheeky shard nails and said he didn't read this script for me Daph so uh but I think I think a lot of it was channel 9 not protecting Richie they were protecting Richie um and they weren't it wasn't like Richie was you know he saw he was an old buddy journalist you know he comes from the he knew that the success of the 12th man was having not a negative effect or negative impact on channel 9's coverage or its it was having a positive effect on you it was having a totally positive effect but he didn't begrudge me making a quid out of it but he was also smart enough to realize that you know seven number one albums in a row you know it's having a positive knock on effect for channel 9's coverage and indeed the commentators Tony Greg used to say he put an extra fucking zero on my off did in the speaking fee you know Tony lapped it up he was a big 12th man fan and um he said look as far as commercial things are concerned I don't give a rat's ass what you do as long as I'm in the budget that's very South African on your turn I'll make sure we set aside a few greg-r-and a couple of rand a couple of rand Tony was a big fan and saw the commercial pluses how is it to meet these people that you impersonate Richie I only met him twice and I'm glad I did but the first time I met him was after doing the 12th man for 16 years and a lot of people were just blown away like you know during the 16 years from when I started in Australia you know after about the second or third album people would ask in doing an interview for a new release you know have you met Richie Miller and they were absolutely stunned that I hadn't and that all comes into the whole sort of channel 9 and how much of an at arms length they wanted to have me and I'd spoken to Richie though on the phone I remember in the very first record because he thought it was a one off so I think he gave more than tacit approval in the early days because he thought it was a one off I'd better be seen as being a good sport and but once I came out with record number two he realised for fuck's sake this could be a bit of a series here and so I rang him up and I told him and then I sent him the platinum record I had a platinum record piss up for all of the guys and they all turned up, I mean a lot of them Darrell Eastlake and Jack Gibson and Chappelli and Mike Gibson and you know a lot of the guys from whom I'd extracted the piss turned up for this you know party Cheese and Bickeys, Bees and Chickies and had out a few platinum records and Richie couldn't make it so I sent him the platinum record and he rang me and said thanks very much and I've got it taking proud of place in the office I think it was as I did the second and the third album he decided that it was just fueling the fire for the reasons I enunciated earlier about you know I just get sick of, it's almost like I'm a mouthpiece for flogging this fella's records you know I don't like commercial endorsements and that sort of thing people couldn't believe in the first 15 years I was up to about album number 3 or 4 or whatever and I hadn't met him and they all thought that was odd. In 1999 I did a double album compilation for the English market for the World Cup which was being held over in the UK and Scotland were in the World Cup for the first time I offered them PS25,000 to have my name emblazoned across their jerseys because they had no sponsor and got a fabulous letter back from the Scottish Cricket Union saying no oh that would have been good of course it would have and they said oh no it's a new game here we're trying to introduce it to young people and we don't think this is the right way to do it I thought fucking hell this is the perfect way to do it I had a lot of fans over there bootleg fans in the UK in fact I think my bootleg audience in 1999 was more than the 300,000 commercial fans that I had in Australia you know cause it's well there's 62 million people over there and cricket was the second language and you know they people would come out to Australia or schoolboy cricket teams would come out and the Aussies would introduce them to the 12th man and they'd take it back and it was just bootlegs everywhere I fucking went people would pull out this shitty old TDK cassette with 12th man on it you know one journo told me gleefully that he'd sat up one night on a double cassette player making hundreds of copies for his mates oh thanks for that where's my invoice book? so I had a big you know bootleg following over there but anyway day one jet lagged bit nervous at the Oval for the first game England vs South Africa at the Oval and I'm doing my first interview and it was the biggest interview actually of the whole three week tour Jonathan Agnew on the BBC and I'm just sitting there next to him right behind Alan Donald steaming into Boulder whoever it was literally right with this beautiful old broadcast area with the sliding glass windows and I'm right behind the Boulders arm sitting there having a chat with Jonathan Agnew anyway while I was waiting to do this interview in this little ante room there was everyone buddy Botham and Viv Richards and Jeffrey Boycott and everyone and then all of a sudden I just heard yeah well that sounds good love yes well I look forward to seeing you at about seven and I'm thinking is that someone doing me or is that the real Richie Benno I couldn't see him he was behind a fucking pot plant anyway he emerged from behind the pot plant and I jumped in front of him thinking because the PR guy said there he is you're going to say good day to him I said I never met him and he said you never met him? you've only put your kids through school you know 16 years you never met him I said no so I just jumped in front of him and I said Richie you can't put this off forever mate it's Billy Birmingham how you going and he was just oh Billy what a strange place to be seeing you and I've often told this story on TV and I do the reenactment of it because he was kind of moon walking away from me the whole conversation was done on the move and it was like oh Billy what a strange place to be meeting you I'm not going to stop for a chat and then he said something strange about I guess I think we were supposed to meet on a golf course sometime in the past I had no idea what he was talking about and I said oh really oh shit I'd love to have a game with you one day Rich I'd have to improve out of sight before I took you on from what I hear and I still don't know what the fuck he was talking about so I'm just sort of going along with it but the whole time it's the moon walk away from me anyway so I met him and therefore had a lovely anecdote for the rest of my three week tour because everyone from Edinburgh down to London and through Leeds and Manchester and whatever all asked me have you met Richie Benno and I said well funny you should ask just the other day but I thankfully I caught up with him again about a month yeah about a month before he died and that was great because by then he sort of he sort of had let his guard down he wasn't on and you know he was insisting on having a photograph with me and whatever so you know he's Richie's sort of true attitude if you like to the 12th man was like he wasn't still part of the Channel 9 you know he wasn't still captain of the commentary team from the CCP central commentary position and he was happy to see me and I was happy to see him he was very unwell put my arm around him for a photo and I couldn't believe just how wasted away he was but yeah that was for the meat board meat and livestock board ad and the lamb ad which he was having a barbie at his place and everyone was invited except me you know I rang him I said Richie there's a bit of a do one at your place there's this lovely pause from Richie and he says nope and hangs up on me but that was nice to be able to you know sort of go full circle like that to catch up with him after all those years from the moonwalk to the yeah exactly to a photo yeah exactly and he's like we can have a photo taken together and it was just nice to have that sort of cherished piece of memorabilia of me and Richie literally a month because you know it's a weird way to make a fucking living let's face it Richie's been there as I said earlier he's been part of everything that I've done and he's where I started it was his voice that attracted me to trying to get a laugh while we're watching this new presentation of cricket which we're all enjoying but it was Richie's voice that I started doing and then all my mates started doing it I just happened to do it sort of you know better than anyone else in the room and after Australiana was a success in 83 yeah I sort of thought well fuck I did that for Sandy what people were going oh what are you going to do you know follow it up and by then I mean I was ostentatious as writer, manager producer, driver bumwiper I was bloody you know everything and I just you know I wasn't cut out for doing that so he and I sort of you know parted company but people were saying you know are you going to try and follow it up with anything and I thought well I should because I was stoked that I had written something that was so well received by the Aussie public and so just a bit of an epiphany driving around one day and I thought what about I mean I've been this was 84 and I thought well I've been sitting around the lounge room doing Richie and Tony and Bill and all those guys' voices as we watched the cricket and it was certainly universally popular at that stage I mean everyone you know Channel 9's coverage was a massive ratings winner as was their Wide World of Sports back before Wide World of Sports was a big show then because there was no Fox Sports and whatever where you're seeing the games live it was all magazine style show went for probably five hours or something you go to Perth and come back and the thing's still going you know and yeah so I thought well maybe I can get something out of that so and I knew it that well I didn't need to be I didn't need to have tapes of the show in front of me I went out to the same backyard where I wrote Australia Hartner and I sat down with the blank sheet of paper and the HP pencil which were my tools of choice and I could just see Richie welcoming us back after the luncheon adjournment which is now filled by the cricket show but back then it was episodes of Gomer Pyle or some fucking thing you know and and I could just hear him say you know the music welcome back to the MCG and welcome to our Melbourne viewers for the first time today Marvelous game Marvelous day for cricket here today and I'd always wanted to have when I started thinking about doing I always wanted to have commentators swearing like troopers and having it sound the most natural part of their you know trying not to attract any attention to it but just make out that saying fuck me if they didn't just disappear quicker than you could say G was going to piss down and it um it's just I don't know it's just something naughty schoolboy in me that wanted to have these guys all swearing like troopers and making it sound like it was just an absolutely normal part of the commentary but you picked the format because that's what everyone else wanted to hear too yes that's right exactly people used to say to me when you have Richie saying fuck me if they didn't it's like you listen to it and you think that's what they'd like to be saying if they weren't on telly and that's kind of where I was coming from he's like you know like having a footy commentator oh fuck he's dropped it oh you know what an idiot you know like that's what that's what a commentator would like to say in the middle of a call he has absolutely shit in the bed fuck that that was a try for all money you know that's one thing we want to ask you've given everyone a taste of of Ray Warren dead set mate him and Ray agrees with me on this because you know he can't walk down the fucking street now without getting what I call the Benno treatment hey rabs crunching jackal I'm at the everywhere I fucking go booing him I'm getting these people yelling out at me because you know that's what used to happen to Tony Greg and Tony used to tell me like you know he's walking with Richie in the concourse at Brisbane airport and they'd be like Marvellous effort that blow it out your ass Tony and they used to hit all these 12th man and rabs started to get the same thing and I've made him I called him the second most impersonated man in the country and now that Richie's left these parts dead set I think rabs would have to be one of the most impersonated great voice dead set in the fair dinkum department DS and the FDD one of the best voices great commentator good bloke no substitute for enthusiasm well people have said why don't you do a rugby league one and I say well it's not a national sport you know a lot of the success of the 12th men came from the fact that creek was our national game but we got you know the southern states are just rabid fucking AFL you know left foot snap but rugby league rugby league is not a national sport when it comes to sitting down and making a record so far I've always been drawn to doing something that has a national audience rather than making a record where you know that there's a good chance that in Adelaide it's going to go down like a bucket of sick because they don't know you know rabs I did on my records once he started doing the swimming you might remember the poundbacks which I always thought sounded like a feminine hygiene product darling do you need some poundbacks I'm just off to the chemist he started doing the poundbacks oh Susie I knew you were mad I'm butterfly and so it gave rabs national exposure so I then felt a bit better about doing rabs on my records I didn't have him doing the swimming I had him bursting into swimming in the middle of it was somewhere in the middle of the cricket he dropped into a Thorpe Hackett, Hackett and Thorpe right in the middle of the sentence he said big strapping you lad I think it was Boucher, Boucher a big strapping young fellow very much in the mold of Thorpe, Hackett, Hackett and Thorpe they won't catch him and then just goes back to his normal commentary but yeah once rabs grabbed himself a bit of a national audience through the poundbacks you gave him a rugby league was that the wide world of sports one you gave him yeah I can now remember the first time I did the state of origin was with Daryl Eastlake and Jack Gibson so that was 87 and that's when Daryl Eastlake was you know oh boy gee everything was huge Daryl said to me mate I had no idea I said huge so much until you told me now I can't go anywhere without people yelling at me oh Daryl you're a huge fuckwit and so yeah Daryl Eastlake and Jack Gibson the islander names oh yeah that's right eventually I had rabs doing a bit of state of origin in wide world of sports two and then on subsequent record I had him giving the updates on the Kiwi rugby league team to Ken Sutcliffe look I've just had an update on some of the changes to this New Zealand side and I thought I might give you a bit of a heads up for the bulletin this afternoon it was a one sided conversation you know and okay the hooker is Varicose Vanicola and the props will he tell Lou a lie and he'll only have a lie to Lou and and then I've basically done a new team every year and now you've got you know Lenti Momoa why won't he return it to me and and rustled up some tucker who's the one you could have tongue twisted fuck some of these names had tongue twisters let him have a nut of pie will he lose a kilo or two will he slip her a tongue he don't even know her bent her over they're great just in the same mold as I've had a lot of fun with the Pakistani Indian and Sri Lankan names which of course these days are Muslim names and if I was to invent the 12th man now I would be hung, drawn and quartered and the records would never see the light of day because every fucking PC brigade well you can't fucking do that thankfully when I started there were Sri Lankan cricketers names and Pakistani cricketers names and Indian cricketers names but Cathy McKay from the Telegraph said to me a couple of years ago do you reckon you could give birth to a 12th man now and I sort of thought about it for the first time and I thought well what's she saying there is if he just came out and started doing all these you know silly names I mean people would be going on this fucking you know well of course nothing I said was ever saying anything about race, creed or culture there was nothing any fucking anti-Muslim about it it was just history Australian ears it was wordplay if you've got Mahindra Amunath and Sunil Gavaskar cut his arm and a half and soon he'll have a scar it was just mucking around you know they happened to be the two openers for India but that's what we were saying earlier with ostentatious that particular bit I think that's aged so well that you couldn't even be called out on anything no there was nothing in that that's absolutely it could have been anything in that ear mind you the dope section well Bill said he liked a smoke no one knew where the dope was stashed I said I think Marina's but I was just spinning a bit of a yarn sorry boys knocking the shit out Alice Springs into action and starts to pack Billabong that section I had to edit out of the film clip so we ended up having the censored version and uncensored so Countdown wouldn't play well Countdown never played it anyway but I'm saying anyone who was going to play the clip and there were very few people who did but a couple of people played the clip and they played the censored version where there was a nice edit point thankfully where any reference to Mary Joanna and packing Billabong and Vitaly Hobart and all that sort of shit they kept platypus in there they kept platypus and probably Senecock or two they kept that out they kept all that in there so look it's harder to pick a broken nose what people are going to censor and what they're not yeah it's all aged a little bit better than the likes of Rodney Rude and Kevin Bloody Wilson that stuff that they did they probably couldn't give birth well a lot of people the Telegraph did an article recently you guys might have seen it a Daily Telegraph in Sydney did a thing about his PC comedy and I said look you're going to have to speak to the guys who do it for a live comedy for a living I said I make records and you know one thing I will say is that if I was to do a twelfth man if I was to launch a twelfth man character now the people would take Umbridge absolutely for no reason whatsoever but they just would about the fun I have with the Pakistani Indian and Sri Lankan names which is just pure unadulterated wordplay nothing else at all nothing at all about race credo culture never has been never will be just like Malmeninga smell my finger yeah exactly exactly it's just taken the piss and um but all the other guys that were in there there was Rodney Rude, Kevin Bloody Wilson, Austentatious Vince Sorrenti those guys all do live comedy for a living it's unfortunate because to a large extent the stuff that people the PC brigade are getting upset about to me is just so there's no comedy that offends me at all the stuff that I just find tasteless and unfunny and that's just you know that's just my opinion it's a very subjective thing but um no one's really ever going to do anything that offends me but I am going to think that is fucking tasteless and what's worse is it's unfunny um but um no it's a different world now I reckon you'd still get away with it everything you've done I reckon you'd still get away with it Kevin Bloody Wilson and that lot they would struggle they would struggle some of those songs that Kevin wrote were pretty bloody out there you know and Rodney but they were very popular too those you know they sold a lot of records those guys I think they're still making a bit of money too yeah well Rodney gave it away for a while and then you know came back out and did another tour Sam Pang was saying a comedian was saying a guy in Sydney grew up watching him he said I have to go see it just for that moment in my life he went there and he said Rodney ends the show wheels out the merch trolley and sits there inside his brother-in-law was saying you know um this is Sam been a lifelong fan you know you're a legend he needs to get an autograph and he wrote dear Sam fucking bum me he goes the man's a genius that is so funny oh man listen to Rodney I know Rodney his wife used to make the cock hats for him you know he'd come out with a hat with big balls and cock and it was just pat yeah pat his wife so we were there like when Rodney he launched the comedy store and ostentatious did the bloody audition back in 80 Vince Soretti was a waiter and he wanted to be a comedian and occasionally Rodney would let him take off the open and jump up and Vince used to do stuff mainly based on TV ads taking the piss out of K-Tel stuff and whatever you know but that's a very early days when the Jamison Street Comedy Store to me it was the birth of stand up comedy because Melbourne which was comedy capital of Australia was all theater theater review university review type humor but the actual hardcore man and microphone they weren't doing it ourselves stand up comedy was a bloke doing a prawn morning at the Illawarra Workers Club or something you know um but to the bulk of Australia the comedy strip comedy store Robin Williamson all those guys we didn't have that and that's what Rodney brought to the Jamison Street Comedy Store was you know legitimate you know funny thing happened on the way to the man and microphone stream of consciousness and a lot of the Melbourne guys who wanted to do that started coming up to Sydney to have a crack but that really and then that's when as I said ostentatious did a an audition and he became a regular down at the Comedy Store but um yeah it's uh I haven't been to a comedy room for ages have you guys been have they got a Batutah Comedy Store or? uh we did have one but it burnt down ah right at the uh yeah it was um over insured so we yeah yeah I understand Irish Stock Day just before we wrap up tell us the budget tell us the the studio tell us how you recorded that first album yeah well I'm interested in it because Batutah have just refitted I suppose you'd call it Koala Server Studios if you will yeah right is that what it is? yeah um there's a bit of simpatico there because Koala being a mattress supplier uh your what you guys what you guys have done here is a little bit more up market than I'm used to right uh the 12th man's records have always been made in what I call a homemade studio um and I mean by homemade I mean three mattresses jammed up into the corner of a room um that gives me the sort of you know the sound proofing the booth throw a Doona over the top to give it a ceiling um and lifting up the Doona cover and hopping inside it is going into the studio and every single one of my records has been made in that sort of you know cottage industry low budget light light light in there? uh yes I'd run a run a bed lamp in through the in between the few mattresses I'd have like a bedside lamp uh the script were gaffer taped to the mattress in front of me um so that I could read the script when I was recording um so it was as homemade as as you can possibly get low input large very low the John Wilkes booth I used to call it whenever I'd make it the John Wilkes booth and served me very well boys cause you know everything that I was doing was um just you know just voice recording and um I mean I used to love doing all the foley work as they call it which is the sound effect stuff like you know when I had Mr and Mrs Benno rooting um you know I was lying on the floor I had three mattresses three sorry three microphones aiming down at me and I'm lying on the floor with a dooner over me and I've got the headphones on so I'm listening to Richie uh uh uh uh uh uh uh and so I had I had the eight second root uh and what I had to do was to fluff the dooner in time with the with the thrusts if you like and um I always loved you know doing that stuff or the poker game that Kerry Packer was having you know and I had all the chips and stuff so that's all done with you know Froggy my engineer playing back the audio to me and I would have to throw the poker chips in or ruffle the dooner or Richie having the longest piss in the history of the world you know while he's talking to his wife you know ah I've got a long day ahead of me and uh and you hear him off you know a bit of reverb so he's in the next room and he's blah blah blah blah and the piss just went for two and a half minutes um and I love doing all that's one of my favorite things usually because it means I've done my bit I've finished my script and I've finished my I'm on the home stretch and then all I have to do is just you know make it come to life with crowds and you know bad hitting ball and poker chips or having a piss or having a root has it not well just before we say goodbye Billy um it's been twelve years since Boned was released has it yeah shit you're right 2006 so is there any uh any plans for the future anything I can say to you and all the people in the Diamond Tina and in fact all around Australia because I know the show has a very much a national flavor national audience national appeal um all I can say to people out there is um never say never and especially now that the cricket has found a new home or indeed semi-detached home on one side is Channel 7 and on the other side of the semi is Fox Sports so what do we know about Fox we know that it's Gilly whose voice is about as interesting as a broken arm and Mark Waugh who's similarly exciting and then on the other side who have Channel 7 announced uh Slater and Ponting and Damian Fleming there you go they are three of the most non indescript voices so I don't want to get people's I don't want to get 12 man fans hopes built up but uh I suppose what I can do is give Channel 7 a go give them a go give Fox Sports a go and if there are any voices or comedy idiosyncrasies that are worth extracting the odd liter of piss then I might have a crack at doing one but I don't think so I think I have I have had such a great run with the 12 man I've I have had uh a fan base like like no other artist has because I don't peer live because I've never done film clips and whatever the organic affection that people have had for the 12 man a lot of people have literally and they tell me this grown up with me and I always say to them I think you mean not grown up with me and they yeah I know what you mean um you know the skill boy hammer is alive and well but a lot of people um you know they were in their late teens when I started in 84 and they're now middle aged got a couple of kids and the 12 man has been a part of their life every time I did a record they go and buy one people have come up to me honestly with tears in their eyes saying the only connection I had with my father and grandfather was listening to your records down the back shed on Christmas day apart from that we didn't fucking talk all year but we would disappear from the women folk and the kiddies and go down the back shed and listen to 12 man records and I've honestly I've had people tearing up so I always describe it as a very organic affection that people have had and uh and uh that's been a you know having worked in the entertainment business and seeing that sort of reaction from people it's a nice thing and the most enjoyable thing about the whole 12 man story really well never say never never say never no never say never but uh don't uh hold your breath thanks for joining us thanks very much and uh what do we call ourselves Desert uh Desert Rock FM like Richie Benno here and even though I'm dead we'll come back here to Desert Rock FM in just a few moments and that was the late Richie Benno from heaven uh Richie if you're listening hope you're comfortable uh how was that until next week I guess you know I hope all of you enjoyed listening to us laugh for uh giggle giggle like school children for about an hour or two but uh until next week my name is Errol Parker never talk to the police without a lawyer and stay out of the pokies I'm Clancy Overall you be kind to each other |
dropout | Your_Friend_Who_Thinks_Going_to_the_Gym_Fixes_Everything | I'm definitely the Kramer of the group. No way. I'm Kramer. No, I'm Kramer. Tao, who's Kramer? Ra for me. Michael Richards is Kramer.
Oh, yep. Yes, you're right. Yep, yep, yep. Whoa.
Somebody's hungry. Yeah, I got a chicken chorizo carne asada burrito with a side of chili cheese fries. That's a lot of food, Tao.
Yeah, I'm overeating a little bit, but this morning I worked out super hard, so I'm not gonna gain any weight from eating all this. Actually, unless you're training like an Olympic athlete, the calories in food dwarf the calories that you burn while exercising. Yeah, there's a lot of studies that show that people tend to overeat when they first start working out, so you actually gain weight.
You're already done? Yeah, my doctor told me I need to fully chew my food. Otherwise, my small intestine will explode.
No. That was before I started working out. Tao, you've gotta watch out for that. You can't do horrible things to your body just because you started working out. Why not?
I did 25 minutes of sauna this morning. Sitting in a sauna is not exercise. When I come out all sweaty and short of breath. That's because it's hot in there. Put that out. You know smoking is bad for you. I can do bad things to my body because I'm doing good things to my body and it all balances out. Going to the gym once is not that good. Nuh-uh.
I can already feel my gains. Look, I'll lift that big ass plant.
Ugh! Ow! I'm sore from working out! Almost! Whoa!
Do you go to the gym like two times a month or something? That's not a lot. Man, I work out more than that. Well, I've signed up for a strongman's competition. Is that the thing where dudes just lift hugetires? And logs? You gotta train like your entire life for something like that. You're right. I just start bulking up. Another burrito? It's fine.
I'm gonna go to the gym for the next 30 days without fail. Except for tomorrow. That's my cheat day. Teo, going to the gym is great, but that doesn't give you carte blanche to just do whatever you want to your body. You're gonna cancel out any gains you do make with this unhealthy behavior.
Ha, Katie. I think these bad boys disagree with you. Ah! Oh. You're just doing heroin?!
Yeah, it's really stressful to go to the gym. I almost waited an hour for the smoothie bar the other day.
You cannot do that in a workplace! Okay, relax. Raph, wait! No! You're not doing that right.
Do you have any more? Teo, do you have any more?
Hi, it's me, child actor Katie Marovitch.
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SaturdayNightLive | three_wise_men_snl | And a star appeared in the East over Bethlehem. three wise men traveled on camels for many days, always following the bright star. the star shines bright in the East. it appears to be over the town of Bethlehem, near that stable. that must be where the King is to be born. our long trip from the Orient is nearing an end. Though we are three wise men, the one we seek is even wiser than us. uh-oh.
What's wrong? it's the cops. whatever you do, don't turn around. wait a minute. wait a minute. pull it over. you guys knocked him up. we weren't doing anything wrong. just be cool. I'll handle it. All right, hey. how you guys doing tonight? You okay? you're just fine, officer. yeah, huh? it's fine, right? seems a little late to be riding around.
Where you guys going? we're just going up there. Oh yeah, what? what's up there?
Bethlehem. why did you pull us over? I noticed your right saddlebag is busted up. No, it's not. Yeah, my mistake. So, anyways, where you going to Bethlehem?
We were sent to meet someone. meet someone, Yeah, right. what's his name? I don't know his name. you don't know your friend's name. Okay, I'm gonna need to see some Id. come on. hand it over. Balthazar, it doesn't even look like you at all. it's an old engraving before I had my bed. sure it is.
Milkier? you ever been arrested? no, I haven't. you just pull us over because we're black. we're not doing anything illegal. we're just following the bright star in the East. following a bright star in the East. you guys been smoking reefer? No, sir. Well, what's that smell then? Frankincense. really? seemed pretty jumpy for guys that aren't doing anything wrong. why is that, Casper? huh? we just tired. by the way, I just met these guys. sure you did. what do you got in the bags? just some stuff. you mind if I take a look? we weren't doing anything wrong. then you won't mind if I take a look, then? all I got is some Frankincense. How about you, Chief? some gold. what's in your sack there, Casper? just some myrrh. a myrrh, huh? Give me. some new kind of designer drug or something? No, sir. it's just some infants. All right, let me get this straight, okay? you guys are driving around in the middle of the night following a star with gold and two bags of incense to go see your friend whose name you forgot. is that pretty much it? Yeah.
I'm gonna need you to step down off the camels. come on. I don't wanna go to jail. we're not, Officer. this is some big misunderstanding. You see, we're three wise men. more like three wise guys. Now step down and keep those hands where you can see them, Okay? come on, get out. fear not. I can explain all.
Balthazar, is this the friend that you were planning on meeting? I've never seen this guy in my life. you guys stay put for a second. what's your story, buddy? I am an angel sent from Heaven. sure you are. Look, looks like you've been busy tonight. what's that all over your robe? I don't wanna say, because it'll sound bad. come on, what is it? it's angel dust. Okay, Mr. Angel. I'm gonna need you to place your hands on top of your head, Okay? He's telling the truth. he's an angel sent from Heaven.
Save it, Ace, Okay? I'm arresting all four of you, All right? Come on. let's get out of here. Hey, hey! come back here, David, in the name of her! Stop!
The three cutings are still at large. If you or anyone you know has seen them, please call us at B-b-b-i-i-x-i-r. |
dropout | google_is_full_of_crap | Hello, I am Pavel, an engineer at Google Xlabs. Today we will be previewing some of the exciting new technologies that Google will be bringing to life in the near future. Ever since we released our concept video for Google Glass, the whole world has been buzzing about our augmented reality glasses. As you can see, very stylish. Hugo here is wearing our first working prototype. We're still working on the hardware, the software, the interface, and on getting the batteries smaller. We'll project Glass and be ready to go any day now. We were also thinking that the frames could come in tortoise shell. Next, there is Google's amazing self-driving car which we debuted in our super cool YouTube video last month. And while it is still currently illegal for it to be in the road in any state, we still think the idea of being driven by a robot car is pretty awesome. What other dreams are we bringing to life? One word, hoverboards. It's going to be just like this, except I'm flying. No matter how impossible, Google is going to make your fantasies a reality. Very soon we will release the Google Talking Dog.
Good morning Scraps. And shortly after that, real life Wolverine claws. Now we know these projects look a little half-baked, but give us a break.
We're an internet search company. We don't know how to make cars or magic glasses, but in here is the very nerve center of the whole operation. This is where we make concept videos. We just uploaded a new video and it already has more than 10 million hits.
Can we take a look at it Sandra? Sure thing.
I'm hungry. A lot of dog food. I'm hungry. Okay, where's the nearest pet food store?
Okay Mr. Buttles, would you bring my hoverboard around please? Your hoverboard sir.
Thanks Mr. Buttles. I feel like Marty McFly. Whoa, this is awesome. You're my best friend Sam. Right back at you buddy. Google, it will happen, we swear. |
dropout | True_Confessions_of_Real_Newscasters_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. I'm Rekha Shankar. And I'm Becca Scott with a K. Our first segment of the evening, Confessions. We're all going to confess a few real things about ourselves to you, the viewer. We are 100% choosing to say these things. In fact, I'm not reading anything off the teleprompter right now. Confession number one.
I once walked in on my grandfather defecating. I said it was an accident, but that was a lie.
I catfish people on Tinder on the weekends. In my opinion, anyone who thinks Katherine Heingl is flirting with them without asking for pics deserves to get catfished.
I still think Rob Schneider is funny. Oh, I'm a dog. Don't forget the structured line. You can do it. He just cracks me up. He's much funnier than I will ever be.
Cereal is better with water than with milk. Before you at me, try eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs with water, you plebes.
Okay, I'll just come out and say it. I don't think OJ did it.
That's a wrap for all of our very real confessions. And now we're going to go live to the scene with the rager of a party with our correspondent, drunk frat guy, whose name I can only assume is Cody. Cody. I must have heard when you fell down from the sky because you're an angel. Cody, can we flirt later in the parking lot?
What can you tell us about the party? Geez, party stinks.
The bear pong table is the weirdest rules. One of the cups is full of mayo. And if it gets sunk, you have to snort it Steve-O style. That means you do three whippets first.
Also, there's no sandwiches at this party. I want a sandwich right now with mortadella, mustard, mayo, the Joker's saliva, and lettuce. Sounds delicious. Cody, anyone cool at this party?
Yeah, it's a real who's who over here. Mark Zuckerberg has been in the bathroom for over an hour after eating a single jalapeno. Jeff Bezos is riding around on two Roombas and Bill Gates is giving everyone haircuts.
Wow, thanks Cody. And make sure to chug a luxe of water before you go to bed. Now on to our next segment. Grant just had their SNL showcase. O'Brien, how'd it feel? Oh, it felt good. I made Pete Davidson blow coke out of his nose from laughing. Great. Grant, I'm sure everyone here would love to see a part of your set. I hear you do a good impression of Gilbert Gottfried at the Apple store. I do.
Look, if I don't get my hands on an iPad right now, I am going to freak out. I'm so upset that I'm bolting. This is unbelievable. Wow, and you gotta show us your impression of Bane doing phone sex for a sad businessman. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I watch porn in the dark. And what about your original characters like Landlord Made of Fish at the Apple store? If I don't get my hands on an iPad right now, I'm going to freak. I'm so upset that I'm molting.
Yes. Don't forget the Landlord part. And what about... Just because I'm a Landlord doesn't mean I always have to talk about it. Do you always talk about your job? I'm at the Apple store. Why would I bring up my work as a Landlord right now? And what about Angelina Jolie on a boat eating salad?
Mm-hmm. You know, I've always said to myself, I wish I could be in a movie about bullets that curve. Okay, that's all the time we have today. Before we go, I must announce today's loser, which is Grant. Yeah. Well, it's fun. Uh-oh. What got you, Grant? You know what really made me laugh? The idea of Bill Gates giving someone a haircut. I was tickled pink by that. I do think that is your exact brand. That is. Thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | jake_gyllenhaal_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, take Gyllenhaal! thank you so much. it's great, great to be hosting the finale of Season 49. I mean, when you think of historic television seasons, the first number that pops into your head is 49. I mean, sure, you know, one more episode, and I would have been hosting the premiere of the 50th season, but who cares? you know, 40 is a great number. I mean, seven times seven, classic, you know? Oh, and, look, 49 is, like, 69, but easier. Also, 49 is the number of times Conor Mcgregor accidentally punched me during Roadhouse. um. sounds. people ask me what it's like to work with Conor, and I always say, oh, so great, because I'm scared he's nearby. But the point is, I'm honored to be hosting tonight, because I did some research, and I learned that Snl always brings out the big Guns to host the. yeah, the. okay, yes, they do always bring out the big guns, but they really bring out the big Guns to host the last episode before the big anniversary season. I mean, so, like, like, do you know who hosted the Season nine finale? that's right, Mayor Ed Koch. yeah, the Koch man himself. And I know we're all waiting for season 50, but, you know, you can't get to 50 without a little bit of 49.
And, uh, we're here at the finale. the end of the road. ["we belong Together"] We belong together And you know that? I'm right, I loved you right from the start.
For Season 49, you know, um, I was actually Snl's first choice to host the finale after a lot of people said no. I guess they're all holding out for the 50th, but not me, not Lil J.g. I'm the one who said, yeah. they asked Pedro Pascal, but he wasn't around and today I said no, because she'd be out of town even as guys seem to come back again. Just hosted three shows ago.
Although we've come to the end of the road, it's the last episode. time to say goodbye, Season 49, you'll be 52. And, girl, we did a lot of sketches this year and most of them were fine. It's definitely one of the top 48 seasons Season 49 and even though this is the end of one season, I'd like to think it's also the start of a new one. In many ways, this is the real episode First episode of season 50. No, no, it's not had to try. It's been 49 years, over 900 shows, costumes and wigs and a room full of blow. So many stars have walked out that door. So here's to 49 Mark: We've come to the end of the road. It's the last episode time to save your time.
Season Four tonight. we'll always love you. Great show for you Tonight, Sabrina Carpenter is here so stick around, we'll be right back. |
wearethesundayblues | stop_the_knot_official_apology_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hello Internet, we're Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues. I'm sure most of you have seen our stop the knot video We just want to say that We're sorry. I'd like to start by apologizing to victim number one Meet Ricky Ricky's a nice guy As a matter of fact, we we like Ricky so much that we've been playing in a band with him for the past six Months. We'd also like to apologize to victim number two. His name is Gene He runs a coffee roastery here in Cape Town and he's also a longtime friend of ours which is almost like Charity work if you think of it being friends with the ginger. Yeah, see internet. We're not such bad people We're sorry victims three and four aka Kaylee our hair stylist and her brother Kyron and lastly We'd like to say sorry to you the good people of the internet the slow to anger and slow to judge people of the internet We're sorry that you were trolled by a blatant group of hipsters Actually, I think the correct term there is an irony of hipsters But hang on we staged the video.
What's what's up with this guy? I mean look at you tools one's fat and one has pubic hair growing under his nose and you don't see us being pricks about it you just You're a load of dickheads well and truly you're as bad as Isis What the female wrestler he's quite good though Well, she does just hit a lot of people with chairs But she is quite a bad influence. You're just so unattractive and not even ugly just a mess Sounds like someone's ex-boyfriend just like Nick This stance of Derek Watts is nothing short of abuse I can't wait until someone chops off Nick smalls gross little mustache Fighting intolerance with more intolerance. It's good. Good logic, but Nick I've seen there's a lot of hate for your mustache on social media like a lot Many messages more than ten.
Could you? A lot of people belittling you Good luck belittling this Maybe it's just time. What do you mean?
Sorry, man, read the comments, dude. They hate you, but we've had such good times Remember that time we we had the hot dog Was a good time Come on, man. Don't don't don't do it. Listen, man.
I've got to give the internet what it wants What does the internet want? Well, usually a large amount of pornography in a place to pretend that you're morally superior Okay, man, it's time to say goodbye No, don't The look looks all big and weird Your face is big. You look like a budget Zach Galifianakis My mom actually says I look like a chunky Brad Pitt Okay, so if you still offended by our staged video, then we suggest you stay far away from the internet It's chock-full of you know videos that stereotype and make fun of hipsters Jocks and men and women. Oh, they're very chunky as well. Yeah Asians Or fun fact, did you know that Asians actually invented the internet? What mozira file Fox So if you like this video, please subscribe to our channel And if you didn't like this video or the stop the knot video, please feel free to leave us a comment over at lemon party org Thanks for watching Happy Thanks, Darren |
dropout | if_adult_cereals_had_mascots | It's so fucking good.
What do you got there? Oh, just some plain steel cut oatmeal with water instead of milk. It's high in fiber, but not too many calories.
Uh oh. What? Hey! Hey, whoa! Whoa unto me. This fortune has withheld my precious oats yet again. Good day to you. What the fuck was that?
Oh, that's the adult breakfast cereal mascot, Reverend Oats. Silly Reverend. Oats are for Saturday.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oats are for sad adults. I don't get it. He wants to steal my breakfast? Yeah, like all breakfast cereal mascots, like the Trix Rabbit, or the Cookie Crisp Burglar, or Barney Rubble. Now you're an adult, and you have a sad breakfast and a sad mascot.
Oh shit, he's coming back. Better watch your oat meal while he's around.
The woman speaks false. I do not cover your oats. I am a humble tax collector. Please surrender your tithing. What are you talking about? If you have it not, I'll accept your oats as payment. It's Reverend Oats. Don't give it to him. I wasn't going to. Soon it will be mine.
Every bite bursting with responsibility. Nutrition slopping off of every spoonful.
Yeah, it's the fakest mustache.
My scheme is made plain. All is undone. Good day to you. That was close.
Is this what growing up is? Does everything just get boring?
Hello. I read in a circular that I might win your oats if I best you in a round of cards. That's not true. No matter, I abhor games of chance. Instead, I will ask you straight away in an honest manner. Will you give me your oats? No. Well, I'm bested again. God be with you.
He's always after your shitty oats. It doesn't even seem like he's enjoying himself. Or like he even really wants the oats. It's like he's just going through the motion.
That's adulthood, you know. Well, that's kind of shitty. Come on.
The oats are mine. And now I can consume plain oats at any time by having half of this bowl later cold for lunch. Ah, tis most prudent.
He doesn't even get that excited when he gets what he wants. He's just slightly happier.
Adulthood. Okay, okay, okay. Well, I've committed the sin of theft for naught. Thank you for teaching me that my life is futile. All right. God. You would just have them. Bumming me out.
Plain oats. They're food.
Let me down. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_liam_neeson_on_stereotypes_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Maria Nissen! it's great to be hosting Saturday Night Live. everyone has been so fantastic. you know, when I showed up here at the beginning of the week, people had all these ideas where I played all sorts of things. most of them Irish and drunk. And even though some of them were really funny, I was just a little uncomfortable with the stereotype of the drunken Irishman. so I asked them if it was okay if we didn't go in that direction, and they were fantastic about it and extremely gracious. And I know it was all in good fun, but you can be hurtful even when you don't mean to be.
Hey, and you were right to say what you said, Liam. that's why tonight you're not going to see me playing any pimps or any gangster rappers. it's for you, Finesse. And that's also why this is the only time you'll see me in the show tonight.
Hey, Liam, there's something I have to say. that's greater, right, sir. you're here to talk about stereotypes of overweight people. Well, I was going to talk about not doing Hispanic stereotypes. forget about it. Liam, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to have my say. I am tired of the stereotypical jokes about people who are of mixed race. we are not addicted to pornography. and all of us do not smell like marshmallows. uh-oh, I guess I owe the big apologies to Tiger Woods. Liam, stereotypes have hurt us all. I, for one, am sick and tired of upper-middle-class suburban white Christian males being portrayed only as businessmen, doctors, and astronauts. we are so much more than that. many of us are also lawyers and bankers.
Well, thank you. Something I'd like to say, Liam? yes, darling.
I'm tired of people assuming impressionists are freaks. Okay? that we can't express ourselves in our own voices.
I mean, we're regular people, Liam. like your plumber, your dentist. Or, but be it, but be it, you porky Pig. Or people like Don Knotts, this Barney Five.
Oh, and you didn't mean to shoot at me.
And what if Donald Trump was in Romeo and Juliet? what would that be like?
Thank you. Juliet, nice rack, but you're fired. I bet there are a lot of people here tonight who feel the same way. Hey, what about you, sir? this is Native American. aren't you tired of people assuming that you're an alcoholic and that you own a casino? Yes. And you, sir. don't you hate it when people jump to the conclusion that you're up noses to kiss? Yeah. sir. And how about you? doesn't it offend you that people think you like show tunes simply because you're gay? none of that is going to happen here tonight. Oh. and when the show's over, join me on Murphy's Pub for a pint of Guinness and a shot of whiskey. it'll be magically delicious. we've got a great show. modest mises here. stick around, we'll be right back. Thank you. |
TheOnion | America_s_Best_Huqin_Player_America_s_Best_Ep_9 | 350 million competitors, but only one will be called America's Best. It's the final day of our search for America's Best, and it's sure to be a great one.
No, that's not the sound of the wind blowing through the bonsai tree you're hearing. It's the traditional Chinese Huqin.
Hi there, sweet baby. What's your name?
Oh, Christ. Just do whatever. I have never felt anything like that before. Christ almighty, yes. What's that? Like two strings? At first I was going to tell her to get more strings, but I can't imagine it sounding any better than that. Oh, baby.
You are the whole package. Dear frilled baby, you are no baby. You are a woman. Thank you.
Zhang Wang is going to be a tough act to follow. Can Li Qing impress the judges?
What is this garbage? What?
Whatever this is, you appear physically weak, but to act as a channeling force for that beautiful music, it's a strength I cannot imagine. I'm afraid of you, and I admire you for it.
Come get your bus ticket to New York State. Thank you so much. Get in here. The Huqin players keep on coming.
It's amazing. That was lovely. You are incredible. Nothing else will ever be more glorious.
For the first time, I don't want to kill you. I want you to kill me.
Squeeze them up. There is no best, only truth, and that is you. Squeeze.
An Asian sun rises over America as every Huqin player has advanced to New York State. With the Huqin players blowing every other competitor out of the water, it was decided that none of the other finalists will actually be passed onto New York State. Here they are being scattered by wild, aggressive dogs. Tune in next week for the New York State semi-finals to find out which of these Huqin players will ultimately become America's best.
You are incredible. Nothing else will ever be more glorious.
For the first time, I don't want to kill you. I want you to kill me.
Squeeze them up. There is no best, only truth, and that is you. Squeeze.
An Asian sun rises over America as every Huqin player has advanced to New York State. With the Huqin players blowing every other competitor out of the water, it was decided that none of the other finalists will actually be passed onto New York State. Here they are being scattered by wild, aggressive dogs. Tune in next week for the New York State semi-finals to find out which of these Huqin players will ultimately become America's best. |
dropout | bring_your_f_ck_up_sibling_to_work_day | Okay, everyone, as you know, today is our annual bring your fuck up sibling to work day. Yeah, Kirk just texted he's gonna be a little late. And Keith wouldn't get out of bed. I would have been late if I waited. And Kylie said she got a flat tire, so... Okay, guys, it's fine. You don't need to make excuses that sound real enough, but then when you consider how often they're made, they're impossibly constant. Our siblings are late because they are fuck ups.
I wouldn't expect anything else. Oh, there they are. Welcome, this is your free breakfast.
Is that the mom this week? No, she's super pissed, man. I went to Verizon and used her phone upgrade. You really should have asked if she was gonna need it. Oh, yeah, of course.
Don't yell. Grant the golden boy takes her side. Don't yell.
Is he like this with everyone? I want you to stop. Is he trying to run everyone else's life here too? I can just have this?
Yeah. Um, so maybe you don't stand on that? What? Why, dude? Who cares? It just, it might, it might break, and also, are you drunk right now and maybe high? Yeah.
Hey, but I got a new job. What happened to the old folks' home?
Bullshit. In the restaurant. Some bullshit. The ketchup factory? More bullshit.
Okay. Anyways, I'm selling knives now, so if you could buy one of those, that would super help me out. Ew! Oh, shit, dude. Let's get out of here. Ew, no! I work here.
Merry Xmas. Christmas was seven months ago. Yeah, but it's Christmas somewhere.
Okay. So, what are we working on? Like, is this one of your sketches? Yes. That's great. Mm-hmm. I need to stay with you for a while. There it is.
No! It's gonna be different, okay? I can cook for rent. That is so much worse than paying for rent. Well, Mom thinks it's a great idea. Right, Mom? No.
Hey, Mom.
Hey. We did say that he was very sorry, but we caught Keith trying to steal a Webby award. That's a bummer. Yeah. So, listen. I know it sucks, but what if we didn't participate in Bring Your Fuck Up, Sibling to Work Day? Wait, today is Bring Your Fuck Up, Sibling to Work Day? Yeah. Shit. I fucked up. Hey, Adam. I'm so sorry. I know.
I'm running just a couple of minutes late. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm stuck in traffic.
Beep, beep.
So much traffic.
Hi. It's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
dropout | there_s_something_weird_about_these_silhouettes_chome_alone_4_5 | See? What did I tell you?
Everybody's at that Christmas party in Paris. All the office supplies are ours for the table. I thought you said everybody was gone. Here they are having some kind of party behind strategically placed silk screens.
Wait a minute. Does that woman look kind of weird to you? Yeah. Nobody moves like that. Look at that one. It's just spinning in a circle.
These dipshits are trying to trick us. What the fuck is she doing? Son's been trying to stop me from doing this for years, but now he's not around, is he? Ha ha, fuck's sake!
We can do whatever we want! Yeah, woo! Woo! I'm doing it! Woo! Slide in! Believe me! Woo!
Okay, so I guess those were actual people. Yeah, but I mean, what the hell are they doing? I don't know. Why would that Sam guy tell her not to ride a skateboard? It seems pretty harmless to me. Right? These can't all be real people.
It's Christmas Eve. Nobody spends their Christmas Eve like this.
Look, I can see the strings on that guy. Look at me! I'm the king of string! The string king! Uh, what up, Lisa? Come on!
Sam said you couldn't! Ha ha, fuck Sam!
Don't these idiots have families? Look, I'm going to level with you. I think we should get the fuck out of here. This ain't right. What about all the offices? No, no, no. You're kidding me? This is next level wicker man shit. I'm not interested in it. Do you get it?
I'm the king of string. I am the string king.
They're morons. Look at that one. He's way too tall. It's obviously a Michael Jordan cutout. String dragon. Dammit, that wasn't Michael Jordan. He was another one of these idiots. I thought for a second I was going to be the real Michael Jordan, you know. Why would Michael Jordan come here faulted?
I don't know. Rick Fox did Jake and Amir videos. What? Come on, this whole place is insane. You think I'm insane? Look, that is definitely an inflatable clown balloon. What is it I ask you? I don't know.
Thank God. So anyway, I bet you she's doing that back and forth skateboard thing I was telling you about. I hate it. Please. Please help. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bob_katter_on_country_footy | We were in the office earlier and we saw the proud photo, you know, behind Mr. Katter's desk we have a team photo of the Cloncurry Tigers, an institution of rugby league in western Queensland. But we've also got a couple Aussie flags, but we want to talk about the footy sky. It almost holds a place in your heart as much as the Aussie flag I guess. We are a family totally committed.
My uncle lived football, he's spent his whole life. Another uncle tragically actually was killed in a football game. And Robbie, my son, best player for North Queensland, had a contract with the Cowboys and then played like a girl in two games and got richly deservedly dropped. And I played very serious football. But I think myself and Joseph Backash formed a reform the rugby league in Cloncurry's father, myself and my uncle. I think we were up to seven times. We've had to reform the rugby league there. You know, the old western leagues from your home country, you know, some of the greatest players Australia's ever produced. Big Artie Beatson and Darren Lockyer to name but two. But it's just pretty rough territory. I had a bloke with a big rep playing opposite me and he'd stupidly left a big gap between himself and the Scrum base.
I winked at the halfback, got a beautiful piece of ball, exactly where I wanted it. So I went straight through the gap at 100mph, line open, try underneath that goal post. Well, the bottom part of my body went through the hole at 100mph. The top half of my body was going in the opposite direction.
And when I got home that night my mum said, ah, I told you, you play that stupid game, you'll be ugly forever. And I thought, jeez, I'm going to be too. Nose wrapped all over my face. But I didn't have to worry because Dudley Bulmer caught me in another one next week and straightened it up for me. And every time I went in his taxi, he moved to Townsville. He put, you know, $2,500 plastic surgery account unpaid. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_love_actually | Ah, hello. Is, uh, Natalie here? Where the fuck is my fucking coat?
Ah, love actually. This holiday movie for grown-ups has that special combination of romance, comedy, and totally awesome British people that makes us want to watch it again, and again, and again. The film is based on a series of short stories originally screamed by Hugh Grant at a waiter in 1999. This man, and this woman, and this man, and this other woman, as well as all of these people, but not this guy, all went to this water park together and had a great time. In order to get Laura Linney to cry in this scene, director Richard Curtis had to flip her off four times. Yes. Is it all party, party, party down there?
Though movie magic makes it seem like these two are in the same room together, scheduling conflicts actually forced them to film their respective dialogue on two separate days, almost 40 years apart. This scene is based on a real nightmare that Hugh Grant has every single night. Ewan McGregor was originally considered for the role of everyone in the background of this scene, but he turned it down. During filming, Hugh Grant's fingernails started falling off, and no one could explain it. You won't be able to unsee the insane continuity error in this scene. Pay close attention to Alan Rickman's hands.
At first it seems like he has a left hand, but then all of a sudden he has a right one too. Then in another scene, it's back to the left one again. Only seconds later, the right one. By the end of the film, he has both?
Looks like somebody goofed up big time. That might look like champagne, but the actors in this scene are actually drinking their own spit. Richard Curtis is famous for peppering his films with little Easter eggs like this one. Ever notice how these characters are trying to swallow each other's teeth? It happens again here, here, here, and here. The book Colin Firth's character is writing in the film is a true crime novel about the murder of Hugh Grant titled A Thing I Hope Happens Soon. The story behind this bizarre scene is, well, a little awkward. When Keira Knightley continued to forget her lines, director Richard Curtis wrote them on large cue cards and had Andrew Lincoln hold them up during the scene. Alas, Keira's nerves got the best of her and she remained embarrassingly mute for the entirety of the scene. Every extra in this scene went on to bomb a U.S. embassy. And this kid looks like this now. Now keep these things in mind and go watch Love Actually like you've never watched it before.
Over and over and over again. And more times after that too. Just keep watching it forever. Never ever stop. Always. |
TheOnion | a_v_club_inventory_morally_dubious_holiday_entertainments | Today we're talking about morally dubious holiday entertainments. Now that can be films, TV shows, songs, anything with a questionable Christmas message.
In the 20 years that have passed since its release in November of 1990, Home Alone has become a sort of holiday classic. And on the surface, it says all the right things. It's a bratty little boy. I'm living alone! Who learns how much he loves his family when he's accidentally left home alone. Hello. For a few days before Christmas.
But that cutesy little moment doesn't occur until after he encounters these relentless yet bumbling burglars, played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. And that says nothing of the sadistic glee with which Culkin takes torturing these guys.
Despite the dubious messages that are lurking just under the surface of this film, it spent 12 weeks at number one at the box office and made $477 million worldwide. What if he killed them and then his parents came home? Would that be a different kind of holiday movie? Look what you did, you little jerk! We're gonna talk about something with you too that also seems fine on the surface but underneath is questionable. I'm gonna be talking about Santa Baby, which kind of gets a bit of a pass in that it arguably sets out to be morally objectionable.
The original 1953 version by Eartha Kitt is basically a rundown of all the big ticket items that she wants from Santa. Santa Baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot. The way that Eartha Kitt sings it, it has this little bit of self-awareness about it, which makes it just a fun novelty Christmas song. Forgot to mention one little thing, a ring. It's been covered countless times since then and depending on who's singing it, the level of self-awareness ranges from dubious to completely nonexistent. The Pussycat Dolls version of the song is just this big corseted glitter bomb of sex, greed, and commercialism. Santa Baby, slip the sable under the tree. Rev Run does the version along with the Christmas All Stars. On the Super 20 trip, I knew I wasn't getting jacked when I saw Santa Claus on the corner by a track. And it updates the wish list. The song basically is like, I will fuck you Santa Claus if you buy me stuff.
Yes. So Josh, you have another morally reprehensible holiday song for us. I do, but you wouldn't think on the surface that a charity single that seeks to raise money for dying people in Africa could be morally reprehensible. But do they know it's Christmas? The classic from 1984 by super group Band Aid is in fact a very evil song if you're kind of looking at it word for word. The Christmas bells that ring there are the flag each time so true. The one that's the most egregious is a line delivered by Bono.
Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of you. Tonight, thank God it's them instead of you.
It posits that somebody needs to be starving tonight. Like on earth, in order for you to eat and your family to eat, people must be dying in Africa. Maybe rewrite that line, you know, tonight let's all hope that next Christmas nobody's starving, or something like that.
Do they know it's Christmas time at all? And I like to think that Bob Geldof and Mijir wrote this with every good intention. We're given something of ourselves I suppose is the best thing. But that they're kind of stupid people and didn't really think through the words. It's supposed to be brotherhood and yadda yadda yadda but it does not succeed in the way that We Are The World does. Basically the three wise men of modern Christmas are a sadistic little boy, a gold-digging Santa Parker, and rock stars who sing before they think. I think you nailed it. Yeah. For more morally dubious holiday entertainments, visit tbclub.com. |
TheOnion | This_Week_In_History_First_McDonald_s_Opens_With_A_Young_Grimace_Just_Starting_Out_As_A_Cashier | From Bette Davis's first role as a piece of chocolate cake in the 1931 film Palmy Days, to the discovery of Niagara Falls in 1996, The Onion looks back at this week in history. On May 16th, 1929, the first Academy Awards were handed out in categories such as greatest achievement in blackface, best Catholic whipping scene, and most gorgeous gams on abroad. The highlight of the night occurred when Wings won the award for best picture without a single day go, tar baby, or wetback.
On May 20th, 1927, American pilot Charles Lindbergh completed the world's first solo flight across the Atlantic Ocean following years of disastrous test runs with dog pilots. The young aviator's triumphant arrival in Paris was widely celebrated in America but provided a grim reminder of the tragic deaths of American Bulldogs, German Shepherds, and Dachshunds, all of whom flew less than 10 yards before fully losing control of their planes and crashing into nearby fields and bodies of water. One dog they tested, a golden retriever named Oscar, did manage to fly the plane 3625 miles over the ocean but apparently didn't know how to land because the plane overshot the tarmac and flew directly into the Arc de Triomphe. Onlookers heard a slight yelp just as the plane hit the structure.
Here's an update. My colleague, Professor Eric Kaufman, did accept that position at Princeton University whereas I have been offered nothing, not even a chance to teach summer school even though everyone knows I need the money. Here's another update.
Eric, I know where you live. I know your wife's spin class schedule. I know the route your children take to school and I know that if it comes right down to it I will be able to squeeze tighter and tighter and tighter until the screen that's forming in your chest will have no pathway large enough to leave your mouth. All this I do know. And on May 15th, 1940, the first McDonald's opened in San Bernardino, California, back when a young Grimace was just working as a cashier. And that was what happened this week in history. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, history is actually pretty racist. Here's another update. Eric, I know where you live. I know your wife's spin class schedule. I know the route your children take to school and I know that if it comes right down to it I will be able to squeeze tighter and tighter and tighter until the screen that's forming in your chest will have no pathway large enough to leave your mouth. All this I do know. And on May 15th, 1940, the first McDonald's opened in San Bernardino, California, back when a young Grimace was just working as a cashier. And that was what happened this week in history. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, history is actually pretty racist. |
dropout | Allegations_Are_Making_It_Impossible_to_Watch_ANYTHING | Raph, what is this? Oh, my Matt Lauer memorabilia.
Oh, yeah, I heard all the allegations against him. Yeah, I'm glad he got called out, though. I'll never support that guy again. Damn, James Franco, too. Good riddance.
What are you watching? A dog's journey to the center of the earth. Oh, man, it's crazy all those allegations that golden retriever's getting, right? What are you talking about? Oh, my gosh, you haven't heard? It's wild.
So his female co-stars are saying that he came in. Hold on. Don't tell me now. I'm halfway through the movie. Well, this will just be a second. So he came in.
No, no. You don't understand. Once you tell me all the horrible things that he did, I'll feel too conflicted to watch the movie. Well, you already know he's been accused of something, Raph. So what? You're just going to willingly turn a blind eye to what he's done?
You're right. I do wish I had watched this earlier now, though. Why do people keep doing bad things? Have you seen that new Dame Judi Dench movie? No. I better get started on that now while I still can. Why?
She hasn't been accused of anything. If she did, I wouldn't be able to watch her movies anymore. Hold on my calls.
First off, that's disgusting. Don't pee in jars.
I don't know who Bob Balaban is. He is the quintessential guy from The Thing. Do you really need to watch all of his stuff? I already can't watch any Weinstein movie because screw that guy. But that's like half the movies from the 90s. Bob Balaban's face has been in everything. From Close Encounters of the Third Kind to Seinfeld.
Okay. Well, has he been accused of anything? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. There is no reason to believe that Bob Balaban has done anything wrong to anyone. Okay. But if he did, I wouldn't be able to watch Broad City, Gosport Park, The West Wing, The Good Wife, what about Bob? No, wait.
That was Richard Dreyfuss. Oh, come on. Richard Dreyfuss too?
Now I'll never get to watch Jaws. Stop doing bad things. I'm on a Will Smith now. He's a triple threat. So I've been learning his music too. Wow, wow. Stop it.
Will Smith hasn't done anything. I'm not saying Will Smith has done anything wrong.
But if he did, I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of his work anymore. Oh, wow, wow. Stop it. Shut up.
Hey, there's not enough time. I can't watch it all. There's not enough time.
Live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Troopers.
Sign up for your free trial today. You don't need all those straws. Give them to me. |
TheOnion | Excited_Man_Only_Two_Therapy_Sessions_Away_From_Resolving_Issues | After years of weekly meetings with his psychologist, local man Chris Fon told reporters today he was excited to only have two sessions left before completely resolving all of his emotional issues and never having the need to return to another therapy session again. When I started therapy, I knew if I could make it through exactly 120 50-minute sessions with Dr. Warner, then all of my issues with depression and crippling anxiety would be gone. Next week we're covering my parents. The week after that, we're wrapping up my trust issues and then I should be good to go. According to Von, it took 40 sessions alone to fully resolve his feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem resulting from an unhappy childhood. Von's therapist, Dr. Susan Warner, told Onion reporters that she's pleased with her patient's progress and relieved that his longtime emotional and cognitive issues are nearly solved for good. When Chris first walked into my office, he had a lot of issues. I told him that getting healthy would take at least 100 hours of therapy, but he powered through and now he'll never have to see me again. Thank God for that. That guy was a real fucking piece of work. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
TheOnion | How_To_Spice_Up_The_Romantic_Wedding_Moments_Every_Bride_Shares_With_Her_Father | Hey, you know, a lot of brides-to-be out there are dreaming of the perfect wedding. And wedding planner extraordinaire Jill Emerly is here to share some tips on how to make the most of all the romantic moments between a bride and her father.
Good morning, Jill. Good morning, guys.
Jill, the father-daughter traditions at any wedding are some of the most tender and meaningful of the night. They really are, and you want to make sure that you remember yours forever. Now, most of the big ones happen during the ceremony. Right, the father walking the bride down the aisle. Of course, every bride treasures that moment before her father gives her away when they share the last kiss. It's an important moment, and you're going to want to look back on it. So I say, make sure to get the last kiss on camera. Oh, Jim's daughter Jamie got married last summer. Oh, there's my sunshine now. And you got a bit emotional during your last kiss, I remember. Well, come on, it's tough to give away your little girl. Now, Jill, what about the rest of the ceremony?
What other advice do you have for the brides and fathers out there? Well, we all know about that moment before the walk down the aisle, when the bride and her dad are all alone, and he snips a lock of her hair to keep with him for all time. The forever lock. But I bet you didn't know that a lot of forward thinking families are actually doing the reverse. Brides are sewing a lock of their father's hair into their wedding dresses.
Oh. Oh, I like that. I love it.
A girl's wedding day is the most magical time she'll ever spend with her dad. This shows that the deep unending love goes both ways. Yeah, now I have to say it is a bit of a no-no, but my favorite part of my daughter's wedding was when Jamie snuck in to catch a peek of me putting on my tub.
Jamie! No!
So everyone knows it is bad luck for the bride to see her dad before the wedding. It was love, what can I say? Now the next moment you want to talk about is a big one. Yes, it is the father's objection. Obviously when the officiant asks, does anyone here object to this union, it's the father's duty to object. It's an old tradition. It is. But how many weddings have we all been to where the dad just stands up and nearly recites, don't marry my daughter, I love her too much. Why not make it personal and write your own objection? Now Jill, tell us about after the ceremony. Well, at the reception you always have the father-daughter dance, then the bride and groom's first dance, then the second father-daughter dance, which cements your dad's role in your life. So why not make that second dance something kind of fun and modern that shows how you and your dad have similar interests?
Fun! Yeah, you know, Jamie was so nervous she made me take a hip-hop dance class with her. Oh my gosh! I got some video! Okay, Jim, look at you go! Looking good! Oh, come on now, I never said I was a good dancer. All right, Jill, I know you have one more tip for us.
I do, and it's not a part of the reception or the ceremony, but it is still worth mentioning, and that is the wedding bath. Now, I tell every bride, really take a moment and cherish that time when your father is bathing you before you put on that beautiful dress, because after all, it is the last time. Oh, not in my family. I just don't see why it has to be the last time your father bathes you.
Just because society says it is? Well, thanks again, Jill. When we come back, we'll sit down with the man behind the popular viral video, Man Kills Horse. |
cracked | internet_party_when_google_s_parents_leave_town_ | Thank you so much for the e-vite. No problem.
Let me introduce you around. I know everyone.
Really? Because I was actually supposed to find somebody. Uh, Craig? Oh, say no more. I'll go find him for you. Wait, I didn't even tell you what he looks like.
I'm feeling lucky. Oh my god, you have to meet my friend Cassidy. She totally puts out.
Nine. Seven.
Step off, motherfucker! Quit stealing my shit! The internet is public domain!
Hey, little lady. Hi.
Saw you checking out the bling. You like it? I got like 30 of them just laying around. I mean, we do like unicorns. Sure. Twenty-eight cents. Really? If you like that, you might also be interested in it. Hey, back off, Amazon. She's mine. Look, make up your mind. Eight seconds, I'm giving it to that guy.
Seven. Six. Five. Four.
Why not? I mean, what's 28 cents, right? Right! Plus 20 bucks shipping. What?
Hey, that outburst counts as a legally binding agreement. Can I get a witness? Yep, I heard her. Who are you?
Hey pal, you can give him the money. But I bought it from you. No! You bought it from Pinoy Power 182. Trust me. Transaction complete. Sweet! I gotta get this money to the Philippines.
Late! And the sixth most underrated smurf of all time. In that quest! Hang on. Yeah, Philippines!
Oh, you... Here, I'll just show you. Go on.
Hi. Frank Wang and Carrie Harding are friends now. Do I know you? Nope. But I know you. I know everything about you.
What? Nothing!
You want to see his pictures? He said you two hooked up. What the what? We could just skip that step. Leave me alone. Do you want me to poke him back? Yes. Fine.
Karen Leong is attending. Lisa needs everybody's phone number!
Go away! Ah, knock it off!
Who invited you anyway, Facebook? Myspace? Does someone want to be my friend? Who wants to be my fucking friend?
It turns out aspartame causes all these diseases.
False. That's just what I heard. Well, you heard a shit sandwich. You're such a buzzkill, Snopes. I heard Jamie Lee Curtis was her mafferdine. Unverified.
Really? I remember that one. Hey, do you guys know where Google went? S.G.'s. Yo, yo, yo, yo! Myspace just yanked everywhere and guess who got their own video. No one wants to see it. On the contrary, sir. You piqued my curiosity.
We'll take it to the den. I thought this was the den. I think this is the bedroom. Fuck. What's a den?
Just make something up. It doesn't matter to her.
Jessie! I found your friend. Thanks. Google, this is Craig. Slit. Hey.
So, uh, you wanna do this? You said you were ripped in black. You said you were two fat Asians. Fair enough. Google, where's the bathroom? Are you sure about this? You could have a disease.
I'm feeling lucky. So, what'd you think of the video? Gay. Uh, oh my gosh. Oh, what are you doing? That's a bumpkin, y'all. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_rogue_one_a_star_wars_story | Congratulations, you are being rescued." Rogue One A Star Wars Story Gareth Edwards' thrilling sci-fi blockbuster about a bunch of sinners who never accept Jesus Christ into their hearts is full of trivia and behind-the-scenes stories. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch Rogue One forever. Rogue One is the first Star Wars movie to skip the traditional yellow text crawl, opting instead for a much more streamlined wipe. Many fans speculated that Rogue One's protagonist, Jyn Erso, could potentially be Jabba the Hutt's mother. We've never seen Jabba's mom on film, so it's a pretty compelling theory that Jyn gave birth to him. My one hope is to force it with me." Rogue One also introduced many other memorable characters, like the blind monk Chirrut and the warrior Baze Malbus.
Unfortunately, these heroes kill a lot of people throughout the film, which means they're going to hell. Actually, a lot of the characters in the film are going to hell.
Like this one, these two, this guy, and all these people. Pretty neat. "'I've got a bad feeling about eight.' Quiet." The rebel base on Yavin 4 is filled with callbacks to other Star Wars movies. Notice this soldier here is wearing pants? Hmm. Now where have we seen pants before? Yup, that's right. Luke Skywalker also wears pants in Return of the Jedi. So cool.
To play the role of the Death Star, Dame Maggie Smith had to sit still for six hours of makeup before every scene. In the film, Forest Whitaker's character's name is Saw Gerrera, but in the script, he's simply referred to as Old Ass Darth Vader. "'You seem unsettled.'" Blink and you'll miss him, but if you look closely, you can see a nude man bathing in Darth Vader's castle. This man is actually Darth Vader's landlord, and he's allowed to use the jacuzzi as part of Darth Vader's lease. Disney usually keeps the details of these movies really secret, but this time they made an exception by screening the film for a terminally ill fan, and it started out as a pretty nice thing.
Then the kid had notes, and this just wasn't that sort of thing, you know? Like they weren't going to take this random sick kid's notes, but they listened just to be polite. But the kid had like a ton of notes, and the notes were just weird.
He said C-3PO should have been covered in rust, which, you know, whatever. But okay, he also said they should change the title font to Garamond. Obviously just a wrong choice for the film. Anyways, it was just weird, and everybody left feeling kind of weird, but at least it started out as a nice thing.
Oh, and also the fucking kid's healthy now, and he's just going around bragging about how he almost died and got to see Rogue One early, plus he won't stop writing letters to Disney about the goddamn font choice. Jesus Christ, you know what? Fuck this kid. This kid fucking sucks.
Well, The Force was definitely with the filmmakers when they created this thrilling addition to the Star Wars saga. I hope these facts have given you a whole new appreciation for Rogue One. That'll make you want to watch it all over again. See you next time! |
CrackerMilk | your_trashy_ex | Fuck, it's my ex. Oh yeah, good joke Keith. Here we fucking go. Is that Keith Davies I hear?
I've been waiting seven months for you to pay child support. Oh, I've been quite busy actually. Busy down at the fucking pokies again? Oh fuck off Cassandra. You know I haven't been earning anything since I accidentally drove that forkoo through all those blokes at the work site. So yeah, it's been pretty hard actually.
What about that ring you always promised me? Is that money going to magically appear from pokies as well? As I have said before Cassandra, I traded that ring into cashies for the plasma screen that you never watch.
That's because you're always watching the bloody fucking footy while I'm trying to talk on the phone. Yeah, I'm trying not to hear you flirting with that bloke from the aquarium. I wasn't flirting, I was looking for a job to pay for your son that you never bloody pay for.
My son? That little mongrel in your arm saviour? He's not mine. Just bloody look at him.
I might go then Keith. I told you, you fucking dumb salty brain bitch. He's not mine. See ya. Just fuck off would ya?
You still haven't paid me back for all that stuff you stole. And how else was I meant to pay for my own brother's bail? Maybe if he wasn't so busy selling packs of cold and flu tablets to kids after school he could pay his own bail.
He was a pharmacist Cassandra. He even had a TAFE degree. Yeah, I'll search you in retail maybe.
It doesn't fucking matter. It's about what's in his heart. You haven't changed one bit Keith.
Oh you fucking trashbag. Oh I've been quite busy actually. Busy down at the fucking pokies again? Oh fuck off Cassandra. You know I haven't been earning anything since I accidentally drove that forklift through all those blokes at the work site. So yeah, it's been pretty hard actually.
What about that ring you always promised me? Is that money going to magically attack me?
No, it's not. It's not.
Trust me, is that money going to magically appear from pokies as well? As I have said before Cassandra, I traded that ring into cashies for the plasma screen that you never watch. That's because you're always watching the bloody fucking footy while I'm trying to talk on the phone.
Yeah, I'm trying not to hear you flirting with that bloke from the aquarium. I wasn't flirting.
I was looking for a job to pay for your son that you never bloody paid for. Hey son, that little mongrel in your arm saviour, he's not mine. Just bloody look at him.
I might go then Keith. I told you, you fucking dumb salty brained bitch, he's not mine. See ya. Just fuck off would ya?
You still haven't paid me back for all that stuff you stole. How else was I meant to pay for my own brother's bail? Maybe if he wasn't so busy selling packs of cold and flu tablets to kids after school, he could pay his own bail.
He was a pharmacist Cassandra. He even had a taste degree. Yeah, I'll search you in retail maybe.
It doesn't fucking matter. It's about what's in his heart. You haven't changed one bit Keith. You fucking trashbag. |
TheOnion | A_Shocking_Scene_of_Rebellion_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_8 | ... Shock and awe. That's how onlookers described the scene in Michigan today when they saw something unbelievable.
I'll tell you what it was after you listened to a commercial. And later, news out of the post office that is substantially less important than the other news. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical.
Don't go anywhere. Unless you're going somewhere in your car and you can listen in there, then it's fine to go somewhere.
Shocking news out of Lansing, Michigan today. According to reports that have been trickling out, many onlookers in the city were stunned after witnessing a young man in his 20s who was so rebellious that he was actually walking down the street with his hair dyed blue. That's right. Blue. OPR's Marcy Hammond joins us now with more. Marcy, this is a big one. Yeah, truly unbelievable, Leslie. Can you give us a rundown of the scene that unfolded today in Lansing? Chaos is the only way to describe it, honestly. Onlookers were shocked at the audacity of the blue-haired man and his defiance of the status quo. Gocking drivers rear-ended each other while others simply stopped and screamed. Take a listen.
Blue hair! Jesus Christ, he has blue hair!
Why? How could he do? Oh my God, society is collapsing.
Out of my way! Run!
Wow, now I think it's important to clarify, Marcy, blue is not a natural human hair color, correct? Yes, that's correct, Leslie. This was not the man's natural hair color, but rather something he did to himself, despite the normal conventions of how someone's hair should look.
My God, were the police called? Yeah, police and emergency crews were called to the scene, but they admitted that even though the man was thumbing his nose at the powers-that-be, he wasn't actually committing a crime. I did speak with a few people who had their comfortable realities put into question, and for now, they're just hoping it never happens again.
The second I saw him, I just knew. Society's rules do not apply to this person. God, I was terrified. I immediately crossed the street to get away. Who knows what someone like that is capable of? Other witnesses also reported a certain sexual magnetism to his rebelliousness, which has to make you wonder what else has happened to him, and what other dark secrets might he have. Certainly. Well, I for one will be going straight to church to consult my pastor over the dark thoughts this blue-haired man has awakened.
Thank you, Marcy, and for God's sakes, be careful out there. Thank you, Leslie. |
dropout | sexy_furniture_morning_drawfee_new_series | Hello and welcome to Morning Drawfee. I am Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
And we are the illustrators at CollegeHumor.com. And for a while on Facebook we've been doing this little drawing show called Morning Drawfee and we're moving over to YouTube. So our first suggestion is coming from Facebook from now on out though. They will be coming from YouTube.
That's right. We will be culling our suggestions from deep within the pit of the internet on the barnacle encrusted comment section of this page itself. So leave your comments there. Your first suggestion are the barnacles. Yes.
Not you.
Personally. You're the beautiful mermaids kissing these barnacles, but the comments themselves will be the barnacles. I think I made that clear.
Our first suggestion comes from Alexander Moritz Pagels and he wanted some sexy furniture. And sexy furniture.
You know, we wanted to start this off on a good note and we messed up. We're already off to a terrible start.
I'm going to draw some sexy furniture. Yeah, man. The couch is turning me on. Keep it in your pants, man.
It's hard. It's a goddamn challenge. It's difficult. I need you to hold it together. It's hard and it's also difficult.
See what I did. I didn't. I can't see it because I'm watching myself draw.
Oh, man. Look at the perspective. Yeah. It's like just pulling you in there. It's like reaching out for you.
I like Alexander's name because every word in it is spelled differently than how I'm used to.
I don't know what Moritz. Moritz isn't ever spelled Moritz in particular. Moritz sounds like a side character in a Final Fantasy game. There's Chloe Grace Moritz.
I think that's different though. Yeah. From Kick Ass and Kick Ass 2. From both Kick Asses and sometimes Dirty Rock. Oh, yeah.
She was on there for a little bit. Great stuff. You know, just like, you know, hope the best for her. She's still young. We should have this. She's got a bright career ahead of her. I think she's got what it takes.
So, all right. Well, this is good. Oh, wow. This is good so far. Okay. That's so far.
Nathan's loving it. I should have drawn, instead of a couch, I should have drawn a love seat.
All right. Valentine's Day coming up. Ooh. Well, it'll have passed by the time this is online. That's true. Oh, that's true. Oh, I already spoiled it. Oh. Yeah. I should mention again that these are going to be posting on weekly. Yeah.
Weekly on Mondays. On YouTube.
But we'll still be doing our daily one on Facebook. Exactly. If you want to go to College Humor's Facebook page. Yep.
You know, it's hard. It's hard to get there from YouTube sometimes. There's so many websites to visit.
I go to two to three every day. At least two to three.
I wake up. I wake up and, you know, I...
Ugh. I take a shower. I shave my face. Although I'm going to have to go home. Well, I gotta do a goddamn website.
I keep looking at this couch. It's just embarrassed. I'm going to take this couch to bed. It would probably get jealous though.
All right. Well, let's... You know what? It's a traditional couch by most standards. Let's...
Let's sex it up. Let's make Alexander proud. You're just a sexy furniture.
That's not... How is... What?
Those are just boobs coming out the bottom. Or butt.
Yeah, man. Which, you don't know what it is until you... Just because it's sexy doesn't mean it can't also be terrifying. So it's still modest enough to be wearing some sort of covering. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, this is...
We're not... We're not drawing. We're not perverts here. We're not letting... No. We're just... No. We're fucking weirdos. We're not perverts though.
Yeah, jeez. Get it right. Don't...
How's that? Oh, yes. Yeah. So this is like... I imagine that this is like in... You know in Beauty and the Beast when all the furniture can go live? This is like... Oh, yeah. Yeah. For sure, for sure. Yeah. It's funny on that. Mm. This is like that. But like, you know, it's a sexy couch. I guess like this was like an escort or something that came over. She was just there when the curse fell. Yeah, yeah.
She was like, I actually have nothing to do with this guy. I'm not... I don't like... I'm not...
This is my job. If I was in charge of this castle, you could totally have spent the night.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, I get it.
I'm a lady of the night. I'm a working... You're just a working girl. I'm just a working girl.
I get what you're... Who's... I get what you're up against in this crazy world. But, you know, she's...
But it's France? She still knows... Yeah, France? France?
Yeah. We watched the Spanish version of Beauty and the Beast in Spanish class. Oh, okay. And he answered my question. But during the song where they're all saying Bonjour, they're still saying Bonjour. Right.
What's your name for this big cat?
Wait.
Did I say Bonjour? They still say... Well, there's a song where they say Bonjour, so they don't translate that. They don't say Bonjour. Hello? They don't say, hello, yeah, in that part.
Well, sure. So they're still speaking French in a... I guess that makes sense. I was just confused. Let's just take a moment to... I'm not going to be able to draw any furniture sexier than that. Oh, you're still going. I think... Well, yeah. No, I think I've done enough. See, we're going to alternate who goes first. Yeah. Caldwell is much more experienced. Yeah. An artist. I am no sexy furniture virgin. Don't spread that rumor around. Oh, yes. I'm shining.
Oh, so they're like, let's get the key. Yeah, let's get the key.
I think I'm done. It's still going. You say you think you're done, but you're still...
I just got a little suggestion. Just something to tantalize. No way I'm going to be able to top that. You're sitting the bar. Okay.
Well, let me shrink this. Yeah, make it a little small. Give me some room. Give me some room to work.
There you go. You know what?
Can you just push it over there? Can you push it over there?
Okay. Now I'll see what you can do, my man. Oh, my gosh. Okay.
YouTube.
You've got a sexy couch. This is like... Oh, you know what store that came from? You ready for it?
Oh, no. Dykea. Dykea? Yeah, like Dyke.
That's offensive. A little bit. But this is YouTube. We're talking about that.
This is like a couch. So this is just like a chair.
Oh, man. Ooh, hachi machi. Humama. One of those high back luxury. Oh, that looks Victorian, man. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Oh, look at the ridges on that thing. Control yourself. Oh. A little... Oh, God.
I want to... I want to upholster myself to that.
Is that a leg? Yeah, that's a leg.
I like them a little chunky. It's good. Yeah, it's just... It's a chair. You know, more cushion... Bigger pushing for that. For pushing and whatnot. This is the expression. But also, this is like a Victorian chair. So I think they liked their ladies a bit, you know, on the chunkier side back there. You know, it was healthy.
I mean, Queen Victoria herself was no runway model. No.
But she was the queen. And so people were like, you know, we got respect. Mad ups to the queen. That's what they said. Yeah, that's an expression that originated in the Victorian era.
It's ups. It referred to a disease known as ups. There's a bad cough you could get. It's uppingtons.
Oh, whoa. Whoa. Whoa, indeed. Oh, man.
I like... No, I think you got it going.
Yeah, get a little dust ruffle on there. It's ruffle in my dust.
I'll tell you that much. Yeah, definitely. Definitely going to have a good day. I would like to sit on that. I would too.
This is just a terrifying house that we have. Nightmare house. Yeah. It's like these chairs are sexy. But there's also definitely like, you know, a medicine cabinet that is going to chop your dick off. Like, this is a terrifying house populated by monster furniture. Monster furniture. Like, sure, it's all good and well until you, you know, encounter a living set of cutlery.
Yeah, those... they'll catch it. Ooh, is it some garters? Yeah, a little garters. I like it.
This chair is not structurally sound? No. Don't sit in this. Don't, you know, it'll... Do have sex with it, do not sit on it. It's with the warning from the manufacturer.
Should I give it some lips also? Yeah, I think so. Are you asking for my professional artistic input? Yes. I always need that. Give that fucking chair some lips.
Oh, whoa. You just flipped the script. What is this? I just got some hair. Okay.
So yeah, these are like... I like how maybe when they're dormant, they look more like furniture, but like... We're seeing the transformation. Yeah, this is the transformation. We're seeing like creative problems. This is kind of like...
We're not starting off with the... No. This is in media's race. Really, in the middle of things. I don't know what this is.
No, it was good. It was good? Yeah, it was fine. It took a little like... This is the fun part.
She's like, I'm beautiful, but my arms. She's got like T-Rex arms.
This really is like... I like to imagine that... Get back to the beauty and the beast analogy that... There's a solid like month where they were like metamorphosing into these things. And it wasn't like an immediate process.
Oh, God. That would have been really painful. Yeah.
We just don't talk about that. We don't. We don't talk about that first month in Beast House.
All right. You know what? I think we're good. I think that's... Uh-huh. Those are some sexy furnitures. Uh-huh. I think we need to... I think we need to go to a dictionary and look up what sexy means, but for now I think we did a good job. Ooh, yeah.
You shaded yours a little. I'll throw some shade. There you go. Throw some shade.
Gotta... God knows we need it. All right. So next up, we gotta wind down our show. Oh, yeah. We're gonna... So we...
You know, we've had some fun here, but, you know, we were for our website. We've all had some fun. Somebody had fun. Like, two people had fun that weren't us, but we're gonna talk about some recommendations for you coming up.
So... If you like this, maybe you'll like some other stuff. Yeah. We're gonna do, like, our article recommendations here. Yeah. What's your recommendation? Well, if you want a funny comic, there's one that I made called... What is it called? Something like that.
Something about bed bugs.
What?
Where's... Where's the bed bug?
Yeah. We'll do better at remembering the titles of the things we made next time.
Click on, uh... Click on the sexy chair. Click on the sexy chair if you want to see some bed bugs. And my recommendation is for an article we made about a week ago called Sex Moves for When It's Too Cold to Have Sex, because we're about to get a massive blizzard. I think most people already are in the midst of that. So click here, you know, right on this sexy couch.
It's probably... Yowza. You know what's topical? Sochi. It's probably a lot of those going on there, right? Yep. A bunch of athletes in a cold environment. Yeah, god.
They're doing nothing else. They're doing nothing. They dig out their events, and then they're just... they're boning.
It's like the Matrix Zion rave, except shot better, you know what I'm saying? I don't consider those part of the Matrix. There was the Matrix... You gotta believe it, man. ...with those shitty sequels. You gotta take that red pill and believe it. There's a really cool robot scene in the third one.
Anyway, that's our show. Thank you, Alexander, for your wonderful, weird suggestion. You should go and talk to the counselor at your high school, or, you know, college, or, you know, just someone who loves you, a postman, maybe, a government employee, about this, you know, thing you've got going on with furniture. I remember some great conversations I had with my postman going out. A surgeon general, you know. A respected memory of your community. That's our show.
Be sure to write and subscribe to this channel, which I believe is just the College Humor channel if you haven't already, because we make videos and we put fun stuff like this here, and there will be more of it, and I'm sorry. Thanks for watching. We're all sorry. |
TheOnion | cheadle_planned_darfur_genocide_to_create_role | Our top story at this hour, the investigation into actor Don Cheadle continues today, looking into charges that the genocide in Darfur is entirely his doing. UN investigators believe Cheadle orchestrated the Darfur genocide so that he could star in an uplifting movie based on the tragedy. There are over 400,000 deaths because of Don Cheadle. He won a claim for his stirring portrayal of the hotel manager who saved hundreds of refugees in a genocide, but admiration was the first step on Cheadle's road to mass murder.
And the Oscar goes to Jamie Foxx and Ray. Cheadle's brave portrayal of a human rights hero lost out to Jamie Foxx's performance as Ray Charles, a blind man. He put on a brave face for the camera, but he was absolutely crushed.
After his Oscar defeat, Cheadle tells friends and family he will be starting work on yet another project about genocide, this one, quote, even better than Hotel Rwanda. Two weeks later, he took the first of over 50 trips to Darfur, and that's when the killing began. The Janjaweed militia was receiving a huge boost in funding material from an unknown source, and we now know that that source was Don Cheadle. Testimony from Janjaweed leaders confirms that their orders came directly from Cheadle himself. He chose specific villages for soldiers to attack, picking locales with panoramic vistas to provide a striking backdrop for his future cinematic adaptation. He just pushes himself to be the best, and if that means starting a religious conflict where millions of people end up homeless or dead, that's just what Donald do. Throughout history, we've had Hitler, Stalin, Don Cheadle. In the days since the story broke, USA Films has said they plan to continue the project but without Cheadle's involvement. The studio is now in talks with Denzel Washington, who they say is very interested. |
cracked | 7_bizarrely_specific_ways_movies_get_normal_jobs_wrong | Say that it's weird things, movies, the leading bad jobs. You silent motherf***er! Yeah! Excuse us, please. I hate mimes. I'll kill you! Yeah! Oh my god! Are you aiming for these people? No.
Maybe that's mine. I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh? Who would steal 30 bag lunches? I'll get one going.
You have a beautiful child, Mrs. Roberts. Though it's a miracle no one was hurt. Though I stand on my record, 15 crashes and not a single fatality.
Shut up! I'm holding you up, asshole. I'll hide you.
Hey, Mel, bring me another nicotine patch. Uh, I think there's some space on my butt. I hope you're drunk. Just like you bucks, try and work.
And ball! The dick! It's a big stiffie!
Thanks to be here with you, my friends, my cutie, the friend. That's it. You SLBs better pull your thumbs out and get your freaking axe together. Very good.
Well, so, uh, you're the monkeys. Get the monkeys!
SING THEM!
Price is $75 a f***, my friend. You getting your freak on, or what? Your name is Buck, right? And you came here to f***, right? Wait a minute, wait a minute. God!
That's not right.
You could trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up. Now, you will go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep.
Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, Grandma. Hopelessly devoted.
Not quite. No, thank you. What are you doing? Get away! Get real, Grandma.
See this water pistol? It's loaded with red ink.
Okay, what are we whittling? Well, you could whittle a bear or a heart. We're whittling knives. You girls and your knives.
You could count on a fight breaking out almost every night. |
cracked | the_15_stupidest_lies_from_the_last_republican_debate | Well, let me be clear, if Donald engages in insults or anybody else, I don't intend to reciprocate. I have not insulted Donald personally, and I don't intend to. I am, let me say, I'm a maniac, and everyone on this stage is stupid, fat, and ugly. And Ben, you're a terrible surgeon. Now that we've gotten the Donald Trump portion out of the way. You're not going to hear a lot of polished political speech from me, but you will hear the truth. And I don't think you have to be a politician to tell the truth.
You want to know what carpet bombing is? It's what we did in the first Persian Gulf War. First of all, military people will tell you we didn't carpet bomb in Kuwait in the Gulf War, that we did precision striking. In addition, if I may, the Iraqi army was all masked by itself in the Kuwaiti desert. We're now talking about ISIS soldiers who are not masked. They are embedded in Mosul. They're embedded in Raqqa with civilians.
Today we are on pace to have the smallest army since the end of World War II. The smallest Navy in 100 years. The smallest Air Force in our history. Our Navy is smaller now than any time since 1917. We mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets.
What Reagan did is he began with tax reform and regulatory reform, unleashing the engine of the American free enterprise system. It brought booming economic growth, and that growth fueled rebuilding the military. Are those aspects of Reagan something you could agree with? Rolex is an amnesty for illegal immigrants. Could you agree with Reagan on those two things?
No, of course not. Now, you have said that we should not profile. How do you square that with the San Bernardino case? Well, because you can do it without profiling, Meghan. You do it on the facts.
What those folks knew was that these folks had weapons. They knew that they were talking about trying to take our country and attack it. They didn't know they were going to attack the country. They knew they were talking about the issues of attacking people, Meghan. They knew that.
No, that's not true. The neighbors said they saw men going in and out of the garage. They saw packages being delivered. They saw Muslims, and they did not think that was enough to call the cops, do you?
First of all, we have seen now in six years of Obamacare that it's been a disaster. It is the biggest job killer in this country. Millions of Americans have lost their jobs, have been forced into part-time work, have lost their health insurance.
But I have never supported cap and trade, and I never thought it was a good idea. First Florida should position itself for what I believe is inevitable, and that is a federal cap and trade program. Florida should do everything it can to be an early complier.
We are a land of immigrants, but we have to be intelligent about the way that we form our immigration policies. If you've got ten people coming to your house and you know one of them is a terrorist, you're probably going to keep them all out. By the way, no nation on earth is more generous than America is. Every single year, close to a million people immigrate to the United States legally. There's no nation on earth that comes close to that number. First of all, I've seen polls where I'm beating Hillary Clinton pretty regularly. That's the record of accomplishment that should be taken to Hillary Clinton, who has no record of accomplishment. With what Bill Clinton did, any CEO in our country did with an intern, with a 22 year old, 21 year old intern in their office, they would be fired. We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the benefits of liberty. |
cracked | romcom_behind_the_scenes | Pictures of white all around? What happened, take two? Ash. Horrible.
I got a hundred messages in an hour. Hi, I'm Adam Ginsler. I'm the director and co-creator of ROM.com.
And I thought it was a lot of fun, and it gave us an opportunity to put some people we don't see in Cracked projects. We cast and see Ashley Caldwell as Elise, and she is amazing. And Mike is obviously great as Max. And then Caitlyn Large, who's been in Kill Me Now, which was the feature Mike did, and some episodes of Agents of Cracked is great. I love working with her. So a lot of fun. It's a great project.
Dan and I both have some experience in online dating, which was a lot of fun. We both had sort of other pet projects that kind of involved the concept, which was cool. So this was like a great venue for us to do something about that topic. I really wanted to play with the idea of dating, knowing as much as we know about science and technology, and the fact that dating websites can reduce people to numbers, and sort of reconciling that with this idea of romantic love and destiny and that kind of thing. It's just, there's not really a thesis, just two interesting things that I wanted to play with and mix around.
Sure. I'm going to beat Josie with God and some other stuff. All right, all right, all right, all right. This was your thing. Thank you for waiting. That's where you gotta go. That's where you have to go. That's me. Okay. Get out of here. Go. You're a turkey.
The doll is completely deconstructed at this point. One of the reasons I was super thrilled to get this role was to work with Caitlin. I've worked with her before on her movie Kill Me Now. So in this, I'm sort of like her second banana type guy, or I get a lot of scenes bouncing off of her, and it's just been amazing. She's goofy and big and also able to do all of the sort of hard stuff and poignancy stuff.
I'm just getting started. I'm glad we did so much fitting. I'm so sorry. Sorry, it was really good.
I worked with Michael before, and it's always interesting because he brings a lot of different things with each take, and so it's really fun. And you find new things a lot with him because he's just very playful. It will never not be cool to me to be flown somewhere to work on something, especially when it's awesome. Adam and I have worked in it for very close to about a year and a half now, and it's great to have him directly. There's a lot of trust and a lot of conversations and everything. It's good knowing that he can make a thing and hand it off and know that he's going to elevate the material to something better.
We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
The guys are horrible, terrible. I got a hundred messages in an hour. The messages I receive, Holla, I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using. I'd tear that ass up. Penis. |
cracked | 6_easy_questions_that_science_has_a_hard_time_answering | The field of science is capable of some amazing things, mostly because it's filled with all the Albert Einstein's and Doogie Howser's the world has produced over the centuries. But it may shock you that some of the most mundane, everyday concepts are as big a mystery to scientists as they are to the average toddler. Things like...
Why we sleep! As far as we know, while the hours we choose to sleep varies greatly, virtually every creature on Earth enjoys a good night's rest as much as people do. So obviously, sleep must serve a key purpose for all living things, right?
Well, it turns out science doesn't have a clue.
What we have is a handful of proposed explanations for sleep that not many scientists can agree on. There's the theory that it's helping the brain clean house after a long day of learning. You see, your brain is constantly generating new pathways, thanks to all the stuff you see and do all day, so sleeping is when all the useless info gets tossed out. Or maybe, instead of ditching the stuff that's not necessary, the brain might be reinforcing the stuff you do need. Scientists have seen that, when rats were asleep, the same neurons fired as when they had run mazes earlier that day. That means that the rats are essentially reliving their day and practicing the maze. This has led Harvard sleep researchers to assert that sleep is crucial for humans to form memories and to learn. But there's a problem with both of those theories. Rats and microorganisms, otherwise known as things without brains, have dormant stages that are very similar to sleep, which kind of puts doubt on the whole sleep is good for the brain theory.
Then there's the fact that scientists have found certain humans who can go without sleep with no ill effects. There's even one dude who claims he hasn't slept a wink in 33 years. In fact, all of these theories kind of went out the window when researchers discovered a gene mutation that allows people to sleep two to four hours a night without any adverse effects at all.
So, is sleep useless then? Is it just God's way of making us take a break between masturbation sessions?
Your guess is as good as science's. Why ice is slippery? Saying that ice is slippery is like saying that water is wet. It's something we've known for as long as can be said to have known anything. Presumably, humans as a species knew ice was slippery before we knew fire was hot, or that it existed. But ask anyone why, and they won't be able to give you any better explanation than one of those cave people would have. We just don't know why it is that you can ski on ice but not on boulders. Although, at this point most of you are probably screaming, It's water, stupid! And that's more or less the answer that scientists have always concluded. Unlike most substances, ice expands when it freezes, so when you walk on it, you're actually compacting it back into slippery old water.
Sounds simple, right? Too bad then that it's bullshit.
Experiments have shown that your puny body doesn't exert nearly enough pressure on ice to squeeze even a tiny bit of it into liquid. One popular theory is that the surface of ice remains liquid because there's nothing but open air on one side to put pressure on it. And some tests have confirmed that. Although, they also confirmed that the liquid layer is probably too thin to have any effect on friction. Another theory that scientists have put forward is that ice is not actually slippery at all.
Though this sounds like something that science exasperated would proclaim while waving a gun on your face to make you stop asking stupid questions, a guy named Dr. Salmarin thinks that the roughness of the surface of ice is actually so high that, ironically, it becomes slippery when you flash melt it due to the sheer friction you're applying to it. Of course, in the same breath Dr. Salmarin admits he may be talking out of his ass.
How a bicycle works! Bicycles have been around since the early 19th century, and its basic design has actually changed relatively little for almost 200 years. You always had two wheels, a frame to connect them, and a handlebar for steering, and you required a person completely devoid of shame to ride on it. At the very least, you'd think that the guy who invented the damn thing knew what he was doing, but after more than a century of research, science has been forced to conclude that he was probably some kind of sorcerer. Even modern bike design schools admit that it's not engineering or computer knowledge that make a good bike designer, but instead, intuition and experience. So what happens when you ask scientists exactly what makes a bicycle stable? Or what keeps it going? Or how people ride them?
Well, odds are they'll either nervously tell you that they have cookies in the oven and run out on you, or if they're honest, they'll give you a pretty big shrug.
In fact, top bike researchers admit that even though some people have come up with equations on how to ride a bike or how they think bikes work, those equations are pretty much fancy icing on top of a cake of cluelessness. One Cornell researcher even says that absolutely nobody has ever come to an intuitive understanding of what makes a bicycle do its thing. For ages, scientists have assumed that the gyroscopic effect, the force that keeps a spinning top from falling over, was the key for a bike's balance. But nope. In the 70s, a scientist disproved that theory too. So then, scientists thought that the principal factor of a bike's stability was something called the Castor Effect, or Trail, something to do with the front wheel's angle away from the frame. But just this year, top bikeologists from Cornell and other universities formed an angry scientific mob and then torched and pitchforked that theory as well. They did this by building a goofy looking bike that had no gyroscopic effect and no trail, but manages to stay upright nonetheless. So scientists are essentially back at square one, as things such as steering geometry and the physics of stability are all going back to the drawing board. At least you can be secure in the knowledge that the humiliation you feel when you ride a bike is akin to the humiliation science feels when it's asked how a bike stays up.
How to beat solitaire! Odds are pretty high that you're listening to this video in the background while you're at work, and once you're done wasting time with Cracked, odds are you'll continue to waste time with something else, and conveniently at your fingertips is one of the most played and addictive games of all time, one that you don't even need a partner for, solitaire. More specifically, Klondike solitaire, which is as familiar to career procrastinators as Minesweeper.
All of us at some point, usually around our tense consecutive loss, have buckled down and tried to figure out the secret. After all, if Rain Man can break Vegas, surely you can beat a goddamn Windows game wrong. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that scientists get distracted when studying solitaire, or the fact that solitaire may have evolved from freaking black magic. In fact, big time mathematicians openly admit that it's one of the embarrassments of applied mathematics, that's a quote, that almost nothing about the standard Klondike solitaire game is currently known. For example, when the math geeks tried to find the odds of winning, they ran into a problem. They couldn't even get a fixed idea of how many winning hands are possible. The mathematicians came up with an approximate percentage of how many hands are winnable that was somewhere around 80 or 90%. But think about it, when you play solitaire, do you win at least 8 out of every 10 hands? Either you have the lamest X-Man superpower ever, or you're lying. Now there's some wild ass guesses out there as to what the actual odds of winning Klondike are, but you'll never get an exact answer, even if many computer people agree that you don't have a good chance of winning at the game. You might think that it's just because scientists are too busy breaking apart neutrons and corks and shit to bother trying to hack a card game, but consider that science has already cracked the secrets of the seemingly much more complicated game of Monopoly. But solitaire, it's simply beyond our powers of understanding. Then again, if we actually did know how to beat solitaire, we'd have to go back to work faster.
How many species of animals exist? In the 21st century, the days of Marco Polo and Columbus are long behind us. Nobody is exploring new lands and finding exotic new creatures like the platypus for the rest of the world to call bullshit on. So surely, having stomped across every nook and cranny of the blue earth, we should by now have some kind of ballpark figure about how many species we have left to kill, right?
Actually not even close.
When you ask taxonomists, scientists specifically tasked with finding and cataloging animals, they'll tell you that they haven't even scratched the surface in their attempts to find all the creatures that live on the planet. However, despite working on this mission for almost 250 years, along with discovering over 15,000 new living beings each year, taxonomists don't even have the faintest idea of how many species live on earth. In fact, although scientists have identified almost 2 million of the species we've got, estimates for the amount of species that are actually on the planet range from a measly 5 million up to a daunting 100 million. The reason for this supernova-sized room for error is that no matter what methods the scientists use to make their estimates, there's always some amount of guesswork involved. One of the early estimates from 19th century taxonomists said that there were about 400,000 species on earth, and seeing as how we've already discovered 5 times that many, it's only logical to conclude that there was some faulty sciencing involved there. In fact, the most recent estimate which claims that there's less than 10 million species is being heavily criticized by scientists. Hell, even the people who put out this estimate admitted publicly that they might be way off. There are a few good reasons why the birds, bees, and bacteria remain woefully uncounted.
First off, the research on species takes place mostly in the northern hemisphere, which remains more technologically advanced than the southern, so it's very likely that places like Australia have yet to show us the complete horror of their fauna. But the biggest reason that science is still shrugging its shoulders and making sad trumpet noises is that 99% of all living space is under the ocean, and humans have explored less than 10% of it. Experts say we have better maps of the surface of Mars than of our own oceans. We discover new and horrible types of life there all the time.
How gravity works. Come on, it's gravity. Didn't you see the movie? Is there any concept in the universe quite so basic? You throw shit up, it comes down again. Despite his textbook reputation, Newton didn't discover gravity.
It was discovered by the first fish ancestor who crawled onto land and found it had lost the ability to swim upwards. What's to understand?
Turns out there are four basic forces that hold the universe together, and out of these four, gravity is the only one that doesn't make any sense. Specifically, how it can be so incredibly weak and incredibly strong at the same time. Gravity holds the entire universe together, and no matter how far out you travel, it never completely disappears. And yet, it is the weakest force in existence.
To illustrate, you know when you bring two magnets near each other and they snap together? That force is actually 10 to the 36th times stronger than gravity. Yeah, a big ass order of magnitude stronger.
To add to the confusion, because all these other forces are controlled by their own particles, it stands to reason that gravity should have its own particles too. But this hypothetical critter, the graviton, is basically the only one we haven't found yet, unlike the particles that mediate a lot of the other important forces in nature, which have been altogether more cooperative. But the mother of all baffling gravity mysteries is that once you get down to the level of atoms and molecules and even smaller stuff, gravity just plain stops working. In fact, gravity is one of the biggest reasons why quantum physics and real world physicists have nothing to say to each other. We know more about what's inside an atom than we do about why a ball comes back down when we throw it in the air. For all science knows, it's because of ghosts. |
TheOnion | Californians_Celebrate_Annual_Wildfire_Tradition | And in Orange County this week, California residents are, once again, participating in the annual tradition of being shocked as wildfires burn their mansions to the ground. Every year, the ritual takes place here in the dry brushlands of Orange County where strong Santa Ana winds and warm weather combine to make a perfect place for wealthy residents like Hector and Marsha Gladwell to build and rebuild their homes.
Ours went up quicker than anyone else's in the neighborhood. It's the best burning we've had since, what, 2006? Oh my God, probably, yeah. While each family observes the wildfires differently, many spend time sorting through the charred remains of their possessions. There's pretty much nothing like losing your house with everybody on the block. That's right. And this year we lost everything.
Across the state, thousands participate in the seasonal tradition from first aid workers setting up rescue centers to reporters who outdid themselves describing this year's fires in even more shocked and dramatic terms than last year's. And at the state capitol, California government officials gather to hear Governor Schwarzenegger recite the familiar wildfire season speech promising aid money to the disaster victims. Those trying to travel hit some snags, of course, as record numbers join the yearly parade of drivers fleeing for their lives. With this year's wildfires soon to be over, residents of Orange County are already looking forward to next year.
We're going to start rebuilding right away. We already have a contractor lined up. We're going to extend the portico out into the hills so that when the fires come in, it'll grab that first and lead it right to the house. With over 9,000 new housing units already under construction, it promises to be one of the biggest yet. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Cameron_James_comedian_and_former_Captain_Jack_Sparrow_impersonator_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | My name is Alexei Toliopoulos and it is my pleasure and my honor and my duty to welcome you to my brand new show. This is it and this is the last video store. Every week on this show I'll be joined by wonderful guests and they're going to be coming into the store and what are we going to do? We're going to chat, we're going to converse about their favorite films. We're going to talk about one new release, we're going to talk about two of their favorite older movies, those are weeklies, and then I'm going to leave them with the staff pick recommendation. A bespoke choice from me based on their taste and the first person joining me had to be a certain fella, one of my dearest friends who I've collaborated with many many times throughout my life. It is the wonderful, the hilarious, the beautiful Cameron James. You know him from stand-up comedy, you know him from making shows with me like Finding Drago the podcast, Finding Desperado the podcast, Finding Yeezus the YouTube web series, we solve mysteries together.
We've also talked about popular culture freaking ad nauseam over on Mic Check, Total Reboot, and special features. If you want to listen to special features on Total Reboot we've got them in a new feed for you, you can click on over to it whatever you want.
But now we're in the last video store. Cameron is joining me in here, he freaking dropped me off, he drove me all the way up to Batutah so I can live my life in my fantasy of returning to being a video store clerk. I love Cameron, I think he will too, unless you already do love him, which is actually awesome, so thank you for doing that. But let's enjoy this chat. All right well here we are inside the last video store, in Batutah Queensland. It's beautiful to be here, I did drive you here so...
Yes, I don't have a license. Yeah.
My dearest friend Cameron James, you're the only person that would do this for me. Drive me halfway across the country. I would do anything for you, if you asked me to drive you further, wow, I would ask you to chip in petrol but I'd still drive you.
And this was one on the house, I didn't have to chip in anything, and all we had to do was carry 20 000 DVDs and 65 million VHS tapes. The entire collection. The whole collection has been shipped over to Batutah.
Wow, how do you feel about it? I feel emotional, it's a huge step in my life to go back to whence I came.
A humble video store clerk, but this time not so humble, I'm carrying a big old ego. Whoa, this guy's cocky. I'm cocky, but you know, I'm doing what I love most, talking about movies, scanning discs and learning them to people.
Is a lot of being a clerk just kind of data entry? It's a lot of data entry, it's a lot of scanning discs.
I still have nightmares from when I was a teenager working in the store because we didn't keep the discs in the cases out in the field because people would take them and run out. So we had a huge vault, like it literally was a vaulted door in mondo movies that had like, you could spin the little thing and it would bolt in with those huge like, like a bank vault from the, from like the mask and stuff. Yeah, that's the one who goes, yeah, it's the mask though. That's the only bank vault movie I could think of in the moment. It's like that, like those little bolts that come in through each way and in there we had like 20,000 discs of just like, and you had to like go, okay, what's the number on the box?
Go, memorize that number or take it in if you're, if you've been around the block a few times, you need to take it inside with you and you have to just go through all the sleeves. Okay, where's Dunstan Checks In? There it is. Okay, Dunstan Checks In is about movie 1200, okay, going in there and no shit to this day, I'll have nightmares about being in that room.
It's like, fuck, the numbers are up to a million. The numbers are up to a million.
And here at Petunia Video, we've got every single movie ever made so it's hard to go through them all.
Okay. But you know, you're our first customer, allow me to do you a beautiful service. Okay. You're customer zero. Wow. You're going off the books. That's actually a really good rap name. Customer zero?
Can I use that? You can use that. I'm thinking of rebranding as like a kind of white hip-hop guy. Wow, it's rebrand. Yeah. I think that's kind of your brand. Really? You think that's sort of my thing?
Because you're always going, yo yo yo. I do say that a lot. Yo yo yo. But I'm only saying yo yo Adrian. Oh, of course, based on the movie character Rocky and his girlfriend Adrian Balboa. Yeah. Me, Panino. Anyway, I've got to sign you up to this. I really need your name for the record. Say it out loud.
Okay, that's in there. I need to see a little piece of ID. I've seen that you've got a little driver's license and it's registered to the vehicle, the Black Pearl, named Jack Sparrow. Yes, I used to work in a theater restaurant when I was 21 and the character I played was Jack Sparrow. Wow.
And Jack Sparrow, he's known for so many great songs. He's known for so many great songs. But what were the songs that Jack would sing?
Captain Jack. Captain Jack, sorry. Thank you, please.
Jack could be anybody. Could be Jack Skellington. Could be Whispering Jack. Could be Jack from the movie Jack, which is one of the scariest movies of all time.
Of course, because it tells you about the perils of aging. Exactly.
Captain Jack's songs were, I had two signature songs. One was Robbie Williams' Rock DJ.
Wow. Great tune. Love that.
And the other one was Smash Mouth's cover of I'm a Believer from the Shrek soundtrack. Shrek soundtrack.
So everything's movie related. Yeah, everything's movie related.
In my life, in my theater restaurant days, my future. In your future. Wow.
And of course, you're taking on the character of Captain Jack one more time. You're looking back at those years of your life right now with the nostalgic lens of one, you know, who's a nostalgic filmmaker? Did I say Woody Allen? He's quite nostalgic. I would say A Safer Bet, Richard Linklater. Let me take that again. With the nostalgic eyes of one nostalgic filmmaker, Dickie Linklater.
That's right. You know, another one would be Woody Allen. Oh God, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it's in there no matter what cut you use. Yeah, it's going to be in there.
But you're going back, you're doing a new show mixtape where you're looking back at this time in your life. Yeah, I'm looking back on specifically the year 2009 when I worked at this theater restaurant and Avatar was coming out in cinemas.
Yeah, I hadn't thought about that. Was Inglourious Basterds that year as well? I think so, yeah. I think so. That's the one that comes to mind for me when I think 2009.
I'm more of a dirty, like down and dirty Tarantino guy. You're more of a pristine James.
Blockbuster. I love Blockbuster. I like cult movies like Inglourious Basterds.
Yeah, so my show is mainly set during that era when I was working at a theater restaurant and I was going through my first serious relationship at the same time. And I had to choose which one I was going to put all my energy and focus on. And was he a soon, how do I say, swashbuckler that won out?
You'll have to see the show to find out. What a beautiful sale. Well, we're going to, we'll sign you up. I'm going to send you out to the show, scan them. We've got everything in there. You and I just spent the last 16 days putting the shelves together, putting all the movies up in alphabetized order categorized by genre such as drama, horror, comedy, children's stuff. Yeah.
Children and family section. And yeah, the kids do pieces of sheets in the quadrant. They're one of the dirtiest places in the world.
Cult art house and cult. That's my favorite section. My favorite section is the one through that little door with beads hanging down.
And we beaded them ourselves. We beaded them off. We just put those little beads in there. We had a bead off. Yeah, we had a little bead off section. We're back to back putting the beads, putting the beads together. B2B beads.
And then we, you can pick from any single movie ever. We've got every single film in here, in our cavernous video store.
Okay. Am I picking, um, new release, weeklies? It's a combination. You've got the new member combo. Combo is one new release, two weekly titles. New release.
Okay. All right. Well, obviously we don't have a hard copy of my new release. We don't have a hard copy edition, but slide over your collection. What have we got? Okay. I've got a couple of weeklies here and I've got a new release that I assume you'll have to download for me. We've got a physical copy. It's just out back. Allow me a few seconds to go over and pick it up. Okay.
Movie 10,027. Hmm. Interesting. Director Molly Gordon, co-directed with a little fellow that goes by the name of Nick Lieberman. The movie is 2023's theater camp. Comedy. Yes. I had to put it in there.
I'm so sorry.
I know that you don't have a physical copy right here, but I just love it so much. I had to have it. It's a wonderful movie. I fucking love this film so much. It was one of the most joyous in cinema experiences I've had in the last few years. It was a joy. In particular, I would say there is this climax in the movie where you see one of the characters played by Noah Galvin, uh, who has not had the chance to perform, finally perform. And I was both in tears with joy for the character, but completely losing my mind with laughter. I thought it was so funny.
What is like the basic premise for theater camp and why should people watch it? I guess it's sort of like standing on the shoulders, I will say, of a Christopher Guest sort of film in that it is a mockumentary. It's about wannabe actors who go to a summer camp for like drama kids, essentially. They're like young children who want to be stars when they grow up. The camp is taught by people that are in their 20s who maybe are never going to be the stars they wanted to be when they were little. And that's kind of the tension that's at play is sort of like, uh, do I want to teach the next generation or do I want to be a star myself?
And the movie is mainly about that, I would say, but it's also about friendship and love and about the joy of putting on a show for your parents and all that kind of stuff. And it's also these kids are so talented. Yeah. They're so funny. They've got such like vibrant personalities and also just like, just there's something about it where it's like got that gooey, nostalgic quality of, you know, you were probably a theater fellow. I was a theater kid at some to some degree, but I think it really captures all that in the joyous way that like you said, Christopher Guest does, but also, you know, if you love stuff like wet hot American summer, it's got a lot of that in it too. It bridges like the gap almost between this is spinal tap and those kinds of like faux documentaries, but then it gets a little bit more like it. Usually it's a thing that I love about photo documentaries where they like it's completely spell body. They never break the spell. This one doesn't always live in that realistic space, but it's always an aid of like a really killer joke or something funny or an insight that you wouldn't be able to see if it was a fully realized photo documentary.
It definitely does one of your favorite things in a musical, which is MIRM. Oh, musically enhanced reality modes. It does a little bit of musically enhanced reality mode stuff towards the third act of the movie where these kids are putting on a play for their parents. They've been working on it all summer and it's a musical and when the musical is happening on stage, it sort of starts to infect the filmmaking as well. Some types of shots that we've never seen before start happening. Characters who are not on stage begin to sing a little bit as well. It kind of lifts itself up almost into musical mode. It's kind of like a covert musical in many ways.
It's covert. It's Alan Covert. One of Sandler's great collaborators.
The MIRM is my favorite term. It is basically that thing. Yeah, the MIRM is the term.
It's when, you know, when you're in that musical mode and you start almost soliloquizing, you're like, yeah, I don't really know how I feel about this kind of thing. I guess I feel a little sad.
It's that kind of shit. That shit. I love that shit.
And I felt something in me. It has MIRM-y moments. There's a moment towards the end where Molly Gordon's character is reuniting with her best friend that she's had a falling out with, Ben Platt's character.
Great pairing.
Actual best friends, childhood best friends, now both stars. And during their reconciliation, which comes at the climax of the onstage play, she starts singing harmonies to the play that's happening on stage.
And it was, it just fucking killed me. I just loved it so much.
And I had this experience when I left the cinema. The final song of the play was, is like the climax of the movie as well. So I left the cinema singing it and I was walking home. I went to it in the middle of the day as well. So I walked home. I had the rest of the day ahead of me.
I was all buzzed up from watching this movie. And I was thinking to myself, God, musicals are just so special and powerful that they can like leave you with an emotion that you didn't have, you know? And it's all just through song and repetition and music. And it's pretty cool stuff. Wow.
You have a glint in your eye. Dare I say, could it be a tear of joy peeking around the corner of your dots?
I've always been a little bit in denial that I like musicals, but the older I get, the more I just have to admit it to myself and to you and to all of your viewers that they get me 100% of the time. Something will happen in a musical, even if it's really cheesy, really lame or mainstream, there will always be a point in the show or the film where I become overwhelmed emotionally. And I think it's because I'm such a big music fan and I just, I love the power of music, but I also love the commitment and dedication of an actor who has learned to sing. The craft, it's all about the craft, the dedication of the craft. And if there's dancing involved, I'm even more like, I'm just, I'm gone.
I've said this to you before, but the first time I was lucky enough to go to a famous city in the world called New York City, which I don't know if you've heard about it. I've heard of it.
Seinfeld's based there. Seinfeld's set there, not filmed there. It's filmed in LA, which is a city of angels. Why would a character that's New York's a little bit down and dirty, perhaps a city of devils?
Definitely, definitely Beelzebub would be chilling out. He would be a regular at a diner. He'd go, fuck, who's that Beelzebub? He's always here. Can't you tell he's got big fucking horns popping out of his head?
He's the devil, bruh. He's devil related, devil adjacent. He's devil adjacent. He's mate of the devil.
First time I went to New York City or NYC. NYC, we got to save time.
That's what I call it. If you could, if the, if the city was any kind of fruit, how, what size would it be and what kind of fruit? It'd be big. It'd be an apple. And brother, I want to take a bite. I hope there's not a worm in there.
A.K.A. Donald Trump. Trump tells the world.
We've always said that. Why has that not been a meme? I think it should be a meme. We should make that really popular. I think that should be a meme that we make.
Is this podcast coming out in 2016? Yeah, we're back dating. Good, good, good. We're back dating. Yeah, cause I think that would pop in 2016. Yeah, that's it. That's fucking awesome.
First time I went there and I saw a show on Broadway. It was La Cage aux Folles. Oh, I am what I am. And that song, for anyone who doesn't know, La Cage aux Folles is probably most famous as the film adaptation, The Birdcage by Elaine May and Mike Nichols starring Robin Williams, Nathan Lane, Gene Hackman and Diane Wiest. Sure, Diane Wiest, love Diane Wiest. We went four names deep on The Birdcage.
And we didn't even mention Hank Azaria. Oh my God. And I'm going to have to freaking commit Harakiri for leaving him out.
Fabulous performance. Great performance.
It's based on a French film as well, La Cage aux Folles. And then Harvey Feierstein. Yes, wrote the book and adapted it as a show and the Broadway show that I saw. God, who was in it? Kelsey Grammar played the Robin Williams part. Yes, of course. And the Nathan Lane part was played by an actor whose name now escapes me, but he is in The Favourite, the show The Favourite.
Nicholas Houltz?
Yes, he was 15 at the time. Fresh from Skins. Beautiful drag queen character.
Can't remember the actor's name, but he's really great. Look him up. Sorry if this is upsetting. He's like a Tony winner, really fantastic actor. He played the part on West End as well.
And when he sings that song, I Am What I Am, which is the moment of the story where the character has been denied the like love of his partner and he's been forced to pretend to be a straight man. And he sings this song claiming boldly that his sexuality and that he's proud of who he is and he doesn't want to hide anymore. It's like, I guess, the torch song of the movie, like the classic moment in these sort of musicals where... Torch Song trilogy, another play by Harvey Feierstein. But it's the classic moment in the show where the character declares something like, here's who I am, I am what I am.
And I started bawling my eyes out. And so it was my first experience crying in a live play. And ever since then, any musical eventually makes me cry.
It unlocked something. It did. It really did.
Like, I can't go back now. It's a beautiful song. I saw La Cage aux Folles in Sydney last year.
And I tell you who played that character. One of my favorite actors, an actor you love, Paul Capsis.
From head on. Like, spectacular. Yeah. So fun. So spectacular. Doing almost like a Mae West impression for a lot like the drag aspect of the character. Yeah, that's... Really fun. But you know, that's our first screw with the podcast. Macho Man, Cameron James admits he loves musicals. Thank you.
And Macho Man is also a song by a very gay pop group called the Village People. Very gay guy called the Village People.
All right, we're going to send you back out. We're going to go get some weekly titles. Before I do that, I'm going to ask you another question for The Form. Okay. Have you ever been a member or currently are you a member of another video store? You're going to have to swear your allegiance to us and cancel that citizenship. I was previously a member of Video Easy Charlestown.
Where's Charlestown? In Newcastle. Newcastle.
The suburb that I was born in. You were bred in? Born in Bredin. You were in Bredin?
Okay. Little joke. That's exciting. And it no longer exists, so I think I'm fine. Do you have any memories of this place? Of course.
Big, beautiful building. Cabinets, high ceilings.
I remember the exact layout of it. I remember I would walk. I was obsessed with walking down the horror aisle. Because you'd see some wild covers from the 1980s.
Did you feel a chill staring at them? Absolutely. Was there something about... All of it scared me. Did you feel transgressive? Of course. Because you'd see the one that comes to mind, particularly, that made me feel like this is transgressive.
This is hardcore shit. The devil is whispering in your ear. Yeah, the devil. Beelzebub himself.
Hey, come look at me. Come sit next to me in this diner.
It was the cover for Ghoulies. Oh, the little bald guy popping out of the toilet? Yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen Ghoulies? No, never seen it.
I saw with some friends at a sleepover. Oh yeah, it's a real sleepover movie. Real sleepover, dirty sleepover movie.
Yeah. I have almost no memory of it. But the cover, that's a great cover. The cover is iconic. It's this little green monster character who's bald. Can I say something, Ruth? Yeah. He kind of looks like Paulie Panema from our aforementioned Rocky. Yeah.
He does look a little bit... Adrian's brother. Yeah, he looks like Burt Young, you know? Does look a bit like Burt Young. But green. Green Burt Young. I wonder if they're brothers.
Popping out of a toilet. And the implication is, God, if you're sitting on that dunny can and a little monster comes out with sharp teeth, eats your little butthole out, you'd probably have a pretty bad time. Yeah, it might be the last moments of your life. And I don't think they're going to be pleasant for more than three seconds. And dying getting your salad tossed?
Come on. You could buy a little green Burt Young. That's scary stuff. Well, you've got choice of any older movie ever made. Okay. Go have a peek. Pick a few choices. Come on back. Will do. Weekly.
Uh, I've been scaring the shelves. And I went back into that little beaded room for a little while. Yeah, I noticed that for a few minutes. Yeah, I just wanted to see what was going on back there.
By the way, what's titty slickers? Well, it's a lovely movie starring Billy Bob Crystal Balls. I noticed you have one flick that I couldn't find on the shelf at all. There's one I've been wanting to look at for a long time. It's an older film. It's called Lex the Wonder Dog. Oh, gosh.
It was directed by a filmmaker called Sydney Ling. Lord Sydney Ling. Lord Sydney Ling, allegedly.
Do you have any idea if you can track that one down? Order it in or anything for me? Okay, I'm checking the system. Um, okay. This is the one movie we don't have on the shelf. Damn.
And you and I have spent many of our moons, our shared moons together, which is what we call nights. We do call them moons. We call them shared moons.
And we went trying to find this movie, Lex the Wonder Dog. Why? Because it is a movie that once held the title for world's youngest filmmaker.
Yeah, in the Guinness Book of Records. One of the most famous books of all time. Yeah. Second only to the Bible and the Da Vinci Code. Which are related. This is the only one that's not in there. But it does have references to both of those books as being really good bestsellers. Yeah. They are probably within the Guinness Book of Records. Yeah. But you know that it was held that title for, I don't know, like 30 something years. Definitely.
And we were trying to find it because we didn't think it was a real record. We made a whole podcast about it called Finding Desperado. And it's still one of my missions that one day we'll see this movie. Today is not that day. We have been assured by the filmmaker that it is real, that it was not a hoax, that it does exist.
He says that the film print of it was stolen out of the back of a truck in Spain. Known for truck thieves. Could be true. And of course, as we all know from our times, traveling DVDs and VHSs everywhere, thieves go gaga for this stuff.
They go, fuck, that's film reels. Always trying to steal films. Steal those film reels.
You know, this is why I've been thinking about it. I don't, I think the only way that we'll get to see this movie one day, hopefully in the far future, we'll both die of identical Kevin Smith style heart attacks. We'll go to that beautiful multiplex in the sky. We'll sit down. Rosario Dawson's next to us. Obviously. She also died of an identical Kevin Smith style heart attack. And what should come up on the screen that the movie we've been searching our whole lives for.
Our reward from Saint Peter, the projectionist up in the sky. And as I finally tracked down a print, it was in a basement in Berlin. It's been restored. Beautifully restored. There's also special features. There's commentary from Lord Sidney himself.
Yeah, wow. Yeah.
And the Wonder Dog, they tracked that down. Yeah, the Wonder Dog.
He grew up to be Uggy from The Artist. Yeah, that's awesome. The Oscar winning film, The Artist. That's amazing. Amazing stuff.
You don't have it. We don't have it.
But if you want, we can see it today. All we have to do is. Yeah, finally have our joint heart attack. Yeah. And there's only one way to get it. We've got to go in that back room. Okay, but there's good. Let's go in.
But you've got some other wonderful films here. I've got two picks that I took off the shelf. They're a bit related to the new release that we just talked about a little bit as well.
Bit inspired by that. Inspired by, wow. Well, you know, films inspire each other and films inspire us in real life. That's the main message of this podcast. That's a great message, man. Yeah, well, it's just a reflection of truth. I heard that Anchorman 2 was inspired by Anchorman 1. Very much so. Almost identical plotline.
I've got two options here. I've got a comedy or a drama. What do you want first? Let's take a turn to the dark arts of drama. Okay, let me flip the mask around. Here we go. Yeah. Cover one side of that tattoo of yours.
It's next to the old school 1950s microphone that I have. This is a dramatic film. It is about music, but it would also, I think, be categorized as a thriller in some ways. I don't know where you put it on the shelves.
I'd actually like to, if it was under drama, I will take Umbridge with you. Okay. Professor Umbridge. Dolores Umbridge. Oh, God. The pink menace Dolores Umbridge. Okay.
Great movie. Great film.
Starring JK Rowling. Oh, no, wait, sorry. No, another JK. Different JK. I would have to take Umbridge of that.
Dolores Theil and Miles Teller. And Miles Teller. Columbus Teller.
Yeah. Also Paul Reiser's in it. Oh my God. And you know what I say about him? I'm not mad about him. Just kidding. I am. More of a Helen Hunt guy. Tell me why I love you like I do. I love Paul Reiser in this, but I love this movie. Did you see this in cinemas when it came out? I don't think I did. Gosh.
I think I saw the parodies of it before I saw the movie. What are the parodies of it?
You know, it was like a thing. I swear to God, there would have been like SNL sketches or it wouldn't be this. But you know, like Billy Crystal doing a parody of it at the Oscars. It might have been. I think he came back to the Oscars around this time. Okay.
What am I singing on Dragon? What am I doing?
Something like that. Oh God, there's a guy in a black t-shirt about to scream my head off. It's not his tempo. He's telling me it's not his tempo. Okay.
It would have been something like that. I would have seen some kind of parody version of it.
And then it was in the zeitgeist. I knew everyone liked it. And then I eventually saw it actually. But now, now that I'm talking this out loud, I am remembering seeing it on a big screen. So either I saw it at the cinema or your house. Or you sat really close to a TV. Poltergeist stuff. Maybe we did watch this together because I remember seeing this and I'm absolutely loving it. And I think I remember getting excited for you to see it because I know that you have a fondness for JK Simmons.
Yeah, I love him. I love the guy.
He's got a great rig. Unbelievable rig. And it got even better after this movie. He really put the work in. Those freaking photos on his Instagram. Yeah, the gains. We've got that big beard and those big muscles.
What was that for by the way? That was for the movies that he was in one of the Justice Leagues. The Zack Snyder Justice League thing.
And did it come out? He played Detective Gordon. Yeah, it came out.
But guess what his outfit is. Gordon's outfit in all the other movies is a brown baggy suit. That looks like crap. He doesn't have the guns out at all. No, mate. He's wearing a freaking three-piece suit and a trench over the top. Little cap on. Every Gordon scene ever filmed in a Batman movie is on a rainy rooftop. So it's like, okay, we've got to rug him up. You're not going to see the freaking beads of rain glistening between the creases of his muscles.
Hang on a second. Yeah, they should have just had him up there doing CrossFit or something. That would be awesome. He goes, hey, Batman, give me a second. I just got to finish my reps. I'm doing my reps, Batman.
Yeah, I love J.K. Simmons. And I became a Miles Teller fan right on time for everyone to start hating him. Right before everyone started liking him again, actually.
There was this movie before this movie. He was in Spectacular Now and I really loved that movie. I thought that was a really cool, almost reversal of the classic coming of age arc, where the guy has to learn to shine bright and be a unique person in the world. It was more like, hey, dude, you actually need to learn to just be fucking normal and get a job and stop being a show-off little prick. I loved it. And then this movie is about him getting that show-off little prick broken down almost. Yeah, yeah.
You know, you're someone who has a musical background. Did you ever have like formal training or are you just like a winging it guy? I went to lessons. I did guitar lessons, but it wasn't like formal like this. It was just a dude who was probably in hindsight now only like four years older than me. But he was cool. And he was cool and he liked cool music and he would teach me Radiohead songs and Blink 182 and stuff.
He's like, you're a bit of a weirdo. I got something you might like. You're a freak. You're a weirdo.
He also would always tell me that he had a crush on my cousin. Every time? He'd always be like, how's Katie going? Yeah, by the way, I had a crush on her. I always had the biggest crush on her at school. Tell her I say hey. It was always saying that sort of stuff.
Wow. And then I'd go back and tell Katie, you know, Dom says hi and she'd be like, oh yeah, cool. He was obviously just some dude that had a crush on her. What did Katie and Dom do now? I think they hooked up once. Oh my God, Dom, your dream came true. I feel pride for Dom right now. Yeah, I mean, good on him. He got the name of my cousin, man. Every guy's dream.
I remember I did. I studied violin when I was a kid. Oh, wow. For seven years.
What? I don't know if he's ever talked about this. No.
I've studied violin for seven years, but from the age of seven to 14. And I was never good at it for one minute during that time. That's a long time. For a long time because I just like, I hated practicing. I hated practicing. I would just go to the lessons.
And I had a hard taskmaster as my person and not unlike her name was Olga. She was a Russian expat and not even kidding.
If I would stuff up, my dad's like fucking marking papers in the corner, not paying enough attention. She would put me the pencil in the ribs if I was not doing well. So I'm watching this whiplash. I'm going through some trauma going, oh my God, I repress these memories of a woman jabbing me with a pencil. Interesting. So that's what you related to in the film is like the idea of being under pressure by a taskmaster. By a hard taskmaster.
I related to the Miles Teller character of wanting to be great, but constantly coming up against the wall of realizing you're not good enough. And that's how I felt as a musician when I was in my teens and 20s was like, I have all the taste of someone who is good at this, but I'm just not quite good enough at it.
And so I was my own JK Simmons and my own Miles Teller. We all have a JK within us. Definitely.
And he's screaming at you. He's always yelling, not my tempo, pal.
And you go, God, am I dragging right now? Or am I rushing? Or am I Russian? Is my name Olga?
Oh God, oh God, my ribs. I'm feeling my old injury comeback. Did you see the other Damien Chazelle movies since?
Because this is like, to me, one of the great feature debuts. It's a pretty outstanding debut. And I love that it also crosses genres. It's a drama, I suppose.
Is that where you'd put it on the shelf? I don't know. I would probably go art house to just quell any of those categories. So we're going to pop it back in the art house or cult section. Sure.
But I think that you're right, because when we together talk about genre a lot, we talk about as like a means for communication on how to feel stories and how to interpret them. I think this, like you said, it uses thriller kind of elements and tension. A lot of tension. And that was really cool to me to see thriller language used just with the scene of a guy trying to learn a fucking drum solo. That was so cool to me to be like, this is scary and intense.
But there's no one going to kill anyone here.
It's just a guy trying to get this like paradiddle or whatever. And also it's got like it's a covert musical as well. There's long musical moments in it. So I guess thought Damien Chazelle's career was going to be a little further down the thriller path.
Because I remember at that time, he'd also written 10 Cloverfield Lane. He wrote that? I have no memory of that being here. He wrote that. And there's another thriller adjacent movie that he wrote around that time as well. He was like a go to script doctor for a little while there. He's a wunderkind.
And then his next film, I believe it was his next film, was just a pure musical. Straight up romantic musical. No thriller elements of it at all.
I have grabbed it off the shelf. He can hold it up, hold it up.
The film is La La Land. La La Land.
And what's interesting is because I feel like during the 2000s, there was kind of like people were ashamed of musicals almost. And they weren't really translated to the big screen. That even the ones that were and were big successes, like critically, money-wise, everything.
The one that always comes to mind is Chicago. And Chicago's great based on Bob Fosse kind of style musical.
But it doesn't have that merm. What it has instead is like, oh, by the way, it's a dream sequence. Or we're going into the fantasy rather than going, we're still in the reality. We're elevating it slightly.
Which is cool. It's cool. I have no problem with it. I'm second thinking myself. I have zero problems with it. I think it's what makes Chicago stand out. Okay.
Is that it is, yeah, essentially it's a real story about a crime, a woman who murders someone and then her fucking brain breaks. And then she can only see life as like a musical. As a, you know, like you said, a Bob Fosse musical. I think that's cool. But then I think Lala is so brave.
We're just going, yeah, it's where modern contemporary musical. People are going to be singing and dancing in real life. We're going to be transported to things.
I remember we saw this together. I still remember going to see it. I went with Becky Lucas, our dear friend. Just one afternoon, there was a previous screening. We're just like, hey, do you want to just go see this movie? We loved it so much. We convinced you and your wife to come with us to another previous screening the next day. And we went straight away to go see it again. Yeah, I remember. And, uh, I loved it.
And then I never watched it again. And then I remember the Oscars debacle was huge.
Yeah. Got that envelope. Did they get from memory?
They got read out as the winner and then they made speeches. They made a speech and the guys like, you go, hang on.
Something's going on here. Warren Beatty's crying. Faye Dunaway's going nuts.
Yeah. And he goes, Moonlight, you won. Holds up the thing. Love that bit. Oh, it's crazy. Moonlight, you won. Come on up here.
And Mel Streep's like, oh my God, what's going on? I mean, it is insane. It's a crazy moment. Up until Will Smith slapped Chris Roberts. It was the most insane thing that happened in our lifetime. Yeah. At the Oscars. It's crazy. But then I think people kind of turned on it around that time.
Remember, there was a lot of discourse about the white savior thing with Ryan Gosling's character being like the only dude that can save jazz. Which is bringing jazz back. Which is a fair enough point, especially when you consider that one of the only African-American characters in the movie played by John Legend is portrayed as a hack. Yeah. And like a guy that's selling out jazz. In reality, John Legend is like an obscenely talented musician. Absolutely.
He's probably done more than like further the genre, you know. Than Ryan Gosling has, that's for sure. Probably he's done more than Ryan Gosling.
But I, so I didn't see it again. And then recently I rewatched it for the first time working on this stand up show of mine, which has musical elements in it.
Do you do MIRM? A little bit. Oh, wow. Okay. A little bit of MIRM in there. I put it on and I just sort of let all those criticisms leave my mind. And I just enjoyed the film for what it is, which is just like, I hate to say it, pure cinema. Gorgeous. One of my favourite terminologies.
And hey, here's to the fours who dream. Here's to the ones who dream.
It's like really beautiful. It looks amazing. The songs are really good.
I think the performances from these two leads are outrageous, considering they're not trained singers or dancers. And it does something very rare or like at least hard to come by these days, which is this is the second feature film from this filmmaker. After this one comes out, I now have no idea what this guy will do for the rest of his career.
And I think that's cool. I think if he made another film that was almost like whiplash, but it's not a boat or something like Speed 2 Cruise Control, we'd be like, oh, okay, we know all your tricks. And now that he's done this and he's done First Man, Babylon, there are definitely stylistic things that he does that he is like maybe becoming known for. And maybe they're a little derivative of someone like Martin Scorsese or Thomas Anderson. I think he's very Steven Spielberg. And I think his path is a Spielbergian path. I think so, too. But I mean, like, I'm just excited to see what he does next, like whatever it will be, a comedy, a drama, a thriller, another musical, Whiplash 2 on a boat. I'd love that.
I also think one last thing I want to say about it is underrated comedic performance from Ryan Gosling in this one, in this one. It's something that no one has ever said before. I don't think you think of it because it's quite a romantic film and it's mainly about dancing and stuff, but his physical comedy is great. He is maybe displaying for the first time the kind of like verbal comedic chops that he has. I think he's got a very distinct verbal comedy style, but I don't know if anyone else quite does because he has that.
What do you call it? It's like not a dialect, but he's got a learned accent. Yeah, because he's Canadian, but he has like he's learned the New York accent. What do you call that? There's a terminology for that. He's a loser? No, no, no, no, no. But that is kind of what it is. He's like a little nerd Canadian kid who is obsessed with tough guy actors, so he learned how to talk like him.
By the way, thank God for this giant computer. Oh, I love this thing. Oh my God. I can't learn this term. It's going to fucking kill me. Yeah, probably. This is going to be the thing that kills me.
Well, I'll put it in the show notes of the episode. Click on through. But I've learned out what that terminology is. All right, you've got one more weekly left. OK. And you have gone to the comedy section for this one. Yeah, sure. I've gone to the comedy section, although I think it could belong in the documentary. You have been spelled by the tricks of Rob Rana himself in that case. We've talked about this a lot, the two of us.
This is Spinal Tap. Music. And I remember one of my favorite conversations we've ever had was about this movie. We were going through, literally, we're sitting in front of a computer, just going through the list of the AFI, the American Film Institute's 100 years, 100 laughs, the best comedies ever made, going through each movie and going, it's not better than Spinal Tap, not better than Spinal Tap, going like duck soup. Oh, it's pretty funny, but Spinal Tap's better. Like through every movie until we hit Spinal Tap, we go like, how is this not number one? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's number one for me. It's my all-time favorite movie. It would be kind of crazy if I didn't pick it up for this show. Everything that I love about comedy and music can all be traced back to this movie. It's got all the elements of the things that I like.
A lot of it is in theater camp as well. There's a lot of it in the comedy that I like to make, which is dumb guys taking themselves really seriously. Yes, that's what we've been saying is like, drama is people taking things seriously, comedy is people taking things really seriously. Really seriously, and the characters in Spinal Tap do not have a sense of humor about themselves. They have themselves very seriously and their cockiness and their arrogance is part of the comedy of the film because we can watch it and we know they're not as good as they think they are.
But the other thing I love about it is the songs are really good. They're just really good rock songs. They're funny, there's jokes in them, but you could listen to it and not know that it's a parody for a bit. Maybe not for a whole song, but you could get a minute and a half in and be like, this is like a pretty serviceable 1980s hair metal song. And that's one thing I love about good musical comedy. The songs should almost stand alone as just good songs.
Yeah, this movie does that. I agree completely. I love this movie maybe more than any other comedy.
Like there's very few that enter that same hallowed ground, if you will. But this is what I always think about when I think about photo documentaries or mock documentaries. This is a great example because very rarely does it break that spell that it comes. Like it feels very real. It's presented as real for a lot of it. There are like extensions that lead to greater jokes, but it doesn't change the form at all. And I think it's all the greater for it. To this day, Spinal Tap exists semi in real life as a real band.
Like they'll do tours together. They did the audio commentary for these DVDs in character together. Yeah, it's amazing. Like they've kept that spell up in that kind of like, Dale Close, hat hop on, hat hop off, being the early distinction between a character and not. Like they can just pop it on whenever they want. But also, I remember seeing this for the first time as a kid and taking me a while to realize it wasn't a documentary. And then later on figuring out, hang on a second, these guys aren't even English. And it's like they have the most perfect comedic English accents. Yeah, they do. Where they can just read.
Like the way Christopher Guest is so fucking real in this movie. Yeah, I know. He's so real. He's an incredibly underrated actor. Truly. He's just like he is real in this film.
I love the cameos. Fran Drescher, early performance as Bobby.
Yeah. Just this like man. Beautiful. Yeah. Paul Shaffer in there. Oh, Paul Shaffer. OK, Dave, love him.
You get Billy Crystal. Billy Crystal as a mime with Dana Carvey, two of the greats.
Bruno Kirby steals a show for me. Love Bruno Kirby.
Because he's so he's so emotional talking about Frank Sinatra. The disrespect these guys have for real musicians as a show for so freaking funny.
Have you ever read the script to this? No, I've never read the script. It's a great script. I'll steal it for you from a library.
Cool. Absolutely. No problem. I'll do it for you, brother. No problem.
But it is big, long scene descriptions. And then all of the dialogue is improvised. But they have kind of like scene descriptions of the scene, like what should go on, where they should start, where they should finish. And it's about the length of a regular screenplay. It's not like much shorter or anything. It's quite detailed. But you can just feel like how much of the rawness of the energy adds into that faux documentary nature of it all.
And they've announced they're making a sequel. I know. The sequel is also, I believe, directed by Rob Reiner. I believe so. I think it's the entire original creative team. In character as Marty DeBergie.
And by the way, do you think that's funny? I do. Yeah, I'm always like, is that funny?
I think it's funny because it's not too on the nose. It's not like it's right there for you.
You have to kind of unpack it a bit that he's taken the name from three famous filmmakers. Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg.
And what an honor for Brian De Palma to make the cut. Huge honor for De Palma. I think it's a huge honor because it's not obvious. Yeah. I think that's what makes it good. And I think that's probably, unfortunately, De Palma's greatest accolade.
Never got Oscar norms. Never this, never got wins.
I think Mission Impossible is his biggest accolade.
Really? Yeah.
Better than being the D in Marty DeBergie. I mean, I'd love to be the D. Oh, God. To be in the middle there?
Yeah, I'm very excited for this sequel. All I know about is it's kind of set up to be like a concert movie like The Last Waltz. I think that's genius. Yeah, I love it. I think it's great. And it has potential to be a great comedy sequel. It does.
Yeah, I know. I mean, they've done enough in the meantime that we know their chops are pretty sharp. Sharp chops. That's my favorite term. Yeah. This guy's going to sharp chop. Yeah. I mean, Harry Shearer has got some of the sharpest chops in the beers. Oh, those are my chops. Yeah.
Well, those are some beautiful picks. What a wonderful combo you've got. But there is one added feature to this combo. Not only do you get your new release, your weeklies, you're going to get a stark pick, a bespoke recommendation from me. OK, think of me as cinematic sommelier. Oh, wow. I've sampled your tastes. I've heard what you like.
I've swilled it in my mouth a little bit. And I spat out for you because I'm going to say this. You did me the honor of driving me here to Batuda today. And yeah, we did it in one day.
It was a long drive. A long haul, if you will.
And we stopped to get KFC twice. Yeah, once for breakfast, once for brunch.
Yeah, we did bang bang. We did bang bang.
Two different KFCs along the way. And my oh my are those highway KFCs, some of the most graceful places in the world. You and I have actually stopped at a few highway KFCs in our time.
Yes, and they are truly depressing. Yeah, you got really sad at one of them.
There was one I went to, it was instant. As soon as we walked inside, something happened to me. Your chemistry changed. A cloud wafted over my beer.
It was so sad. I was like, I sat down. I just felt fat.
You actually ordered the worst meal I've ever seen. And I ordered a KFC because you ordered a salad.
And it didn't have green lettuce in it. It only had coleslaw lettuce without dressing. It was cabbage. It was cabbage because it was during this one month period in Australian history where there was a lettuce shortage. So all the fast food places did cabbage.
It was a salad with just little popcorn chickens in it. It was dry cabbage and popcorn chicken. And corn chips.
Honestly, one of the most grim meals I've ever seen a man eat. And all I could do, it was such a despicable place we were in. It was like a food court on the side of the highway.
And it's a beautiful area, Goulburn. I'll say where it is, it's Goulburn. It's Goulburn, folks.
And the cat's out of the back. And it was like the saddest place in the world because there's a KC, there's a subway, and then two crappy cafes in this food court.
And it's in a beautiful part. There's all these beautiful trees and stuff. There's nature all around it.
Not a single window in this place. Not outdoor seats.
You have to go into this like commiserated cafeteria. It's like a silo. It was fucking in a fucking cement silo. All I could imagine, in the corner, they've got like all those little cut, like those rest stop things that go, okay, skill tester, all that shit. And there was one where it was like an accurate weighing device. It was like you gave me a BMI, basically. All I could imagine was like going in there, feeling as depressed as I did, eating this crap. So I go like, oh, I'll put 25 cents into this machine, find out that I'm medically obese, and then just go in and jump in front of a truck in the road.
It was so sad. It was really gross.
So we went past one of those, and it means a world to me that you did that. No worries. And I'm hoping that you'll do this for me. This has been a little bit of a test. You know, you're my dear friend.
That's what I want. But in the video store game, we call it a Tarantino shift. Okay. You come back in, you grace the boards, you go through the files. I would love you to come back whenever you want and do a little shift with me. I'd love to.
So you're not just going to get the new rental combo. You're going to get the employee combo. Oh, my good Lord. It's a special thing. We get two bespoke choices from me. Wow, how exciting. Two start picks. And I've been looking at what you've got.
I might need a little bit more information for my algorithm. My Alexey Graham, if you will. You should trademark that. I'm trademarked. TM, TM, TM. If you could email this to yourself, I think that counts. I'm part of the Writers Guild.
That was IP. I created IP. It's original IP. I have created IP a few times a day, actually. IP, really? So that's my IP now.
Put in some more choices. What else are movies that you love in this kind of realm? There's a lot of musical kind of... I nearly picked Popstar, the Lonely Island movie. Never stopping, never stopping. Taking it in, taking it in. Yeah. Now I'm just thinking literally like the next step over, which is, for the first time in my life, I watched Walk Hard, the Dewey Cox story. Interesting, interesting. But you know, I like musical... Actually, I'm a sucker for Almost Famous as well, which is not a musical, but it's a tonal musical, I would say. I'm locking the gates in my head. There's getting more choices in there. I like things that are a little bit wholesome, a little bit goofy.
I love The Wedding Singer. I love Wayne's World.
You know, these are all music-related films. These all come through my head. And they're all goofball comedy, and they're a bit sweet. Okay, well, I'm putting it through. I don't think that there's like a music comedy film that you've not seen.
Like, I think you know them all. Or you've seen them all. They're all on your radar.
So I don't think that that's going to do it for you. So I've gone a little bit... I had to go a little bit esoteric for a choice for you. Okay. A little bit esoteric. The first pick that I'm going to give to you, because I know you have a love for Wayne's World, they love punk stuff as well. And I'm giving you some of a little bit more grit.
Have you ever seen the movie, ladies and gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains? Drama. I have not. 1980s. It was kind of like a lost movie for a while. Had not been seen for a long time. Genuine cult classic.
It stars Diane Lane in her first role as a teenage runaway who becomes enamored with the idea of punks. Like she's a punk band. And she goes to basically transform this little teenage band that she's got. Her, another band member, Laura Dern, in her earliest role. And they have this band that kind of are like the Runaways inspired, but a girl punk band.
It is directed by this guy called Lou Adler. Do you know Lou Adler?
Her name is so familiar. He is...
I only got one other director credit. It's a movie called Cheech and Chong Up in Smoke. But he was a music producer. He produced the Mamas and the Papas. He did comedy albums for Cheech and Chong. He made that movie Up in Smoke. This is the only other movie that he did.
And it is written by Nancy Dowd who did Slapshot. I love Slapshot.
Other great movies from the 70s.
And this is... It was a difficult collaboration between them. There's probably some exploitation that goes along with this movie. But what it is at its heart is her film, for the most part. There's some difficulty in there. But it's a real like... It's like a feminist version of like punk rock history and those things. Another person in here.
Another thing that I was interpreting from your pics and stuff is... You love to see your fellas represented. Your guys. And this movie has one of your guys in their earliest film role as well.
It's the debut of Mr. Ray Winston. And he plays a punk rocker in this film. Are you kidding me? Yeah, he's a punk rock guy in this film. Does he talk the way he talks? He talks the way he's a geezer punk. And in his band...
I think there's members of Sex Pistols and the Tubers and stuff. Oh my god, that's so funny. There's lots of like real authentic punk stuff in there. Wow.
Christine Ladi from like Law and Order, SVU and stuff. Has this great monologue as an auntie of one of the girls. That as these girls become famous they start inspiring other like troublemaker girls and stuff to start dressing. To start being like these punk girls.
But it's like it was a film that was made in I think 79. Did not get released for years. And then basically became lost for a long time. Like just it would only really pop up at art galleries, film festivals. Not really much releases.
But now it's on Blu-ray finally. And now it's easily accessible. People can see it. Great movie.
I am such a big fan of this aesthetic as well. Like there's something so performative and so fun about the classic 1970s punk look. With the like shaved sides of your head and the pin through your ear. The makeup starting to go to that glam punk kind of era. Yeah there's a bit of Suzy Su and the eye shadow. And I think it's just because I would never have been brave enough to dress like this. But there's something just cool to me about teenagers that are so concerned about looking like losers or embarrassed in their later years. I'm a big fan of this aesthetic.
I love the Sex Pistols. I love 70s British punk so much. I've been going through a musical rehash of this particular era as well. Listening to a lot of the Clash and the Specials and the Jam and the Pistols again as well.
So this is definitely going to be right up my alley. Let me tell you who's in this movie. Because there's a few cameos by famous punk rockers. We have got let me just see. Okay so in the band you've got Steve Jones and Paul Cook from the Sex Pistols. Yeah. Paul Simonon from the Clash. Vince Wellnick and Fee Wabel from the Tubes. Wow. And there is a moment in this movie where the band that Ray Winston is the leader of. I think those guys are like all who make up the rest of the band. Which is just like pretty wild.
And there's a scene where Fee Wabel and Ray Winston are like having a clash with each other. And he actually decks him. Like Ray Winston decks Fee Wabel.
And it makes the cut of the film. But you'll like this a lot. Great music. Yeah it sounds right up my alley. And it's genuinely punk. Like it's it's quite edgy in what it's doing for the most part. Especially for being from a female perspective. At it's heart. Great movie. Thinking about that led me to my second choice for you.
It also stars Diane Lane in this era. Whoa you got a Diane Lane thing going on. I got a Diane Lane thing going on for you.
I don't know why. It came through in the algorithm. I mean I like her.
I like unfaithful. But there was hey we all like unfaithful.
And don't get me started about what goes on under the Tuscan sun. Yeah. But this is a little bit more in that La La Land surrealism. Taking a little bit more of that. But taking it in another direction.
It's a musical. But it's kind of like a musical fantasy action film. It's heavy on its genre bona fides.
It's directed by Walter Hill. The director of 48 hours.
This almost feels like a sequel or in the same universe as The Warriors. My favorite film by him. Wow. It's a movie called Streets of Fire. Action. And the best way I can describe this is. Great cover by the way. It is like Star Wars with an American graffiti paint job on it. Oh my god. So it has basically the same plot as Star Wars where Diane Lane plays this great singer who gets kidnapped by an evil biker gang. Who's played by the leader of which, Willem the Foe in one of his first roles. One of the great cocks in cinema history. One of the biggest I've heard. Yeah. So big it's confusing according to Mr Lars von Trier. And then a kind of a misfit gang of people head on over to break in. And it's almost like a Death Star to rescue her. But it's got rockabilly music throughout but 1980s era rockabilly music. Wow. Reason I picked this for you is. You know, not just Willem the Foe being one of your guys. Bill Paxton. Oh my god. And playing a great Texan kind of loser music producer who is Diane Lane's producer that kind of hires this gang to get her.
Mr Rick Moranis. I love the Rick.
Wow. That's so cool. And it is this is just a visual explosion in this film. It's so exciting. I'm also looking at on the back cover of this Blu-ray. Original songs written by Jim Steinman, Stevie Nicks, Tom Petty, and Rykula. That is so cool. That's a grey. Like that's telling me everything I need to know about the tone of the music. That's so cool.
Have you ever heard of either of these movies? No.
And that's what I do. I'm like an elf. I come in here. I pick things up. I find the aura and then which is the sound. And that's your catchphrase.
Like get the shirts printed now because that is going to take off. I think so.
I will conjure up out of nowhere and eat them for your perfect recommendation. A perfect couple of picks. I'm so excited. I've heard of neither of these and they look so up my alley.
It's insane. In fact, it almost feels like you've just used AI to invent two films for me. Hey, what's between AI but apart from L-E-X-E. Wow. Okay, that's another catchphrase.
Again, get the t-shirts printed up now. Well Cameron, come back any time. We're going to do some more special features together. Our podcast where we just shoot the shit about popular culture. Indisperse through this every now and then where we will feel like chatting about some crazy stuff. But come back whenever you want, dudes.
I will. This is your home too. Thank you so much. Now before I leave, can I go back into that other room for a little bit? Oh, absolutely.
Cameron is doing some really cool stuff at the moment. He has just released his first music single. It's music comedy. It's what he does best. It's probably what he does better than anyone else around right now in Australia. It's a single called Boy's Night.
It is so funny. The video is on YouTube, so click right through to it because it's a gas. It's a song about going out with the fellows on Valentine's Day. It's so funny.
I'm so proud of Cameron doing this and I'm so happy that he joined me on the podcast. If you want to catch up with the films that we talked about with Cameron, his new release, Theater Camp, is available to watch on Disney Plus. His classic Spinal Tap or This Is Spinal Tap is on SBS on demand to watch for free. Whiplash is on Netflix and the recommendations I gave him, Streets on Fire, Streets on Fire, I should say. And he's a gentleman. The Fabulous Stains are both available to rent on VOD in Australia.
And that is all at the time of recording. So if it's not anymore when you're listening to this, sorry, dude, you're going to have to do your own research. I can't hold your hand the whole way. You have to live your own life every now and then.
But thank you to Cameron. Check out his new show Mixtape, which is touring Australia either right now or very soon. It is an elevation to everything that he's ever done. It's so funny as is Boy's Night.
So check them all out. And a final thank you to you for watching this show or listening to it. You can listen to it on wherever you get freaking podcasts from. You can also watch it on YouTube. And the links to everything like that around the show are in the show notes or the comments or whatever you call them. Click on them. You click everything, whatever you need to do. It's all there. Let me tell you about who we've got coming up over the next few weeks on the podcast.
We're joined by Australian actor turned Hollywood hunk Luke Bracey from Hacksaw Ridge, from Elvis, wonderful actor. And we have a great chat about some flicks that you might not have ever heard of before, but they are a thrill. And coming up later, we've got Polly Bennett, one of the most in-demand choreographers and movement coaches in cinema working today. Saltburn, The Crown, Elvis, Bohemian Rhapsody and many, many more. And until next time, please show your respect to cinema.
When you're in the cinema, put your phone on silent. And even better, turn it off because it will conserve your battery. And then you can talk to more people online about the movie immediately after it's finished without the fear of the battery dying on you.
Thank you very much. Hey, what's between AI but apart from L-E-X-E. Wow. Okay, that's another catchphrase. Again, get the t-shirts printed up now. Okay, well Cameron, come back anytime. We're going to do some more special features together. Our podcast, we just shoot the shit about popular culture. Indisperse through this every now and then, where we will feel like chatting about some crazy stuff. But come back whenever you want, dudes. I will. This is your home too. Thank you so much. Now, before I leave, can I go back into that other room for a little bit? Oh, absolutely.
Cameron is doing some really cool stuff at the moment. He has just released his first music single. It's music comedy. It's what he does best. It's probably what he does better than anyone else around right now in Australia. It's a single called Boys Night.
It is so funny. The video is on YouTube, so click right through to it because it's a gas. It's a song about going out with the fellows on Valentine's Day. It's so funny.
I'm so proud of Cameron doing this, and I'm so happy that he joined me on the podcast. If you want to catch up with the films that we talked about with Cameron, his new release, Theater Camp, is available to watch on Disney Plus. His classic Spinal Tap, or This Is Spinal Tap, is on SBS On Demand to watch for free. Whiplash is on Netflix, and the recommendations I gave him, Streets on Fire, Streets of Fire, I should say, and he's a gentleman. The Fabulous Stains are both available to rent on VOD in Australia, and that is all at the time of recording.
So if it's not anymore when you're listening to this, sorry, dude, you're going to have to do your own research. I can't hold your hand the whole way. You have to live your own life every now and then.
But thank you to Cameron. Check out his new show Mixtape, which is touring Australia either right now or very soon. It is an elevation to everything that he's ever done. It's so funny, as is Boy's Night.
So check them all out. And a final thank you to you for watching this show or listening to it. You can listen to it on wherever you get freaking podcasts from. You can also watch it on YouTube, and the links to everything like that around the show are in the show notes or the comments or whatever you call them. Click on them, you click everything, whatever you need to do. It's all there. Let me tell you about who we've got coming up over the next few weeks on the podcast.
We're joined by Australian actor turned Hollywood hunk Luke Bracey from Hacksaw Ridge, from Elvis, wonderful actor. And we have a great chat about some flicks that you might not have ever heard of before, but they are a thrill. And coming up later, we've got Polly Bennet. One of the most in-demand choreographers and movement coaches in cinema working today. Saltburn, The Crown, Elvis, Bohemian Rhapsody and many, many more.
And until next time, please show your respect to cinema. When you're in the cinema, put your phone on silent. And even better, turn it off because it will conserve your battery. And then you can talk to more people online about the movie immediately after it's finished without the fear of the battery dying on you. Thank you very much. |
dropout | hardly_working_hands_down_pants | And as this graph clearly shows, tango is a vertical representation of a horizontal desire.
Now, if you can open your taupe binders, well, what are you doing? What? Listening to you. Why do you guys always sit like that with your hands in your pants? Ugh, are you secretly trying out your stand-up again?
Ever think about how nobody's last name is ever Christ? You never meet a Bruce Christ, you know?
You know why I can't get into baseball? Too many goatees.
Doesn't grape that sound like an insult? It's like, hey, nice cereal, Grape Nuts.
I'm gonna poop. No, I'm serious. Why are you doing that?
I don't know. It's just where Hen naturally goes. I got a place to put it, I guess. I don't know, because it's worn. Like, I never thought about it. Feels like home.
It's gross. You're gross. You're holding your dick in public. I just let it go. No, it's inappropriate. You're gross.
Boys, can I talk to you in the copy room? Ugh, okay.
That was close. It's too close.
She nearly figured it out. Status check. She finds out that we're communicating with each other via secret keypads in our groin.
It's too dangerous. Maybe we should stop using them.
And what, Patrick? Give up our access to the Confidential Communication Network that functions as a direct line to all male brains across the globe. I'm as loyal to the greatest anyone we can't afford.
She's coming. Conceal. You guys just left the meeting. You can't... Oh, come on. In the copy room?
What do you guys have to say for yourselves? What is going on?
That was close. Too close.
From now on, let's make sure we never... Guys... Coming Blue! Save yourself!
Ugh! |
SaturdayNightLive | angry_ronald_mcdonald_saturday_night_live | Okay, he's going to be here any minute. you got everything? this guy's a Gen Tequila. Yeah, yeah, I think I got it all. Boy, he must be the hell of a man. man's a genius, kid, a genius. I've been his agent in what, 20 years? He still amazes me. Well, I just can't wait to meet him. Yeah, when you meet him, stay out of his way with your kid. he's had a rough time of it lately. I'm telling you, for all his talent, all his success, there's still people in this industry that don't take him seriously. That's it. here he is now.
Bernstein, have you read this crap? have you read this? I can't do this. who wrote this? Higgins? this is ridiculous.
Stanley, I'd like you to meet. yeah, this is Stanley Klein. I'm on Higgins up here now. he's.a meeting? we'll go in there and get him. Ronald, Ronald, I'd like you to meet the Bobby Fraser here. Hello, Bobby. Hi, I didn't see you there. Hey, tell me, Bobby, who's the Mick funniest clown in the whole world? uh, I guess that would be. what grade are you in, Bobby? well, actually, sir, I'm working on my masters.
Oh, well. you know what? I have a mcwonderful, Mcfabulous surprise just for you. it's a coupon good for one free order of french fries. good at any participating Mcdonald's. How about that?
Stanley, Stanley, Bobby's here on the payroll. Bobby's on the payroll. I hired him yesterday.
Then you can afford your own french fries, can't you, creep? Now, get out of my chair. I think I need a little secret sauce. Uh, Mr. Klein, Sir, I just like to tell you that I've always really admired your work. Just the other day, I saw the one where all the flying saucers came down and stole all the milkshakes. I directed that one myself. really? I love the part where you made all the little aliens disappear. a lot of that was ad-libbed, you know. really? Like when I say, even the Hamburgler loves the deep chocolate taste. no. I don't understand. listen, Stanley, Stanley, there's a couple of kids out here that'd like to meet you.
How old? seven. girls? No.
I'm not here. let's stand. I'm not here.
Here, give me some Mcnuggets and send them home. Thank you, thank you. Here, look. a couple of drawings from the kids. wonderful, wonderful. I pray on pictures. it changed my life. You want to see me, Sir? Higgins, look.
I've been reading this stuff. Your latest masterpiece here. I can't believe you call yourself a writer. this is the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
Sorry, sir. no, but it doesn't make any sense. I mean, how did the pirates get all the french fries onto their ship? And what the hell, right there, what the hell is Mayor Mccheese doing there? Well, he goes on board to save you, sir. me? Mayor Mccheese saves me? Are you crazy? are you trying to ruin me or what? do you know who I am? I save Mccheese, pal. a wimp?
Ah, come on. I've had a rough day. give me a break. you don't deserve a break today. now get downstairs and try again. Sorry, Sir. No, Stanley, Stanley. there's a telegram here from the National Illiteracy Foundation. they want you to do a benefit. national What? illiteracy. that means they can't read. Then who wrote the telegram? hey, you hear anything from Hollywood? Not yet.
I'm working on it. Yeah, you work on it.
I got to go to the bathroom. Sir, there's no toilet paper. great. that's just great. what do you expect me to use, kid? my good intentions? I'll find some tissue.
No, no, no, no, no, no. that's all right. it's all right. Ugh. idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots. |
TheOnion | just_give_me_the_damn_sepak_takraw_ball | Right now news from the International CPAC-TACRAW League bad boy Nguyen Thi Butch Thuy is grabbing headlines once again The Chonburi Tigers have announced that they have suspended Thuy a record fifth time this season Citing his public criticism of coach Ha Tung Lap for not running the offense through him more once again Here are those controversial comments from Thuy. I am the best player on my team Just give me the damn Sepak to crawl ball We've heard that before and joining us now is senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass Thuy just can't stay out of trouble. It certainly seems that way. Well, give me the damn Sepak to crawl ball I mean, come on doesn't to we get the ball as much if not more than any other to crawl in the league It's unbelievable Michael. I mean Thuy touches return on 85% of the Tigers volleys.
Okay, he's earned the attention He's got a roll spike right of 93, but he's asking for 93 is great. What does he want? When you're in your 13.1 by 6.4 You've got to be thinking in terms of your regular this season alone to ease cautionable offenses include entering the court without the technical delegates Permission I love showing dissent through word or action and leaving the court without the permission of the technical How does he get away with this coach lap tried to instill some discipline? He moved to a from the service circle to the quarter circle We both know that's not an easy decision to make with a king's cup on the line Michael This guy basically thinks of himself is the god Hanuman, you know playing tack rod a group of monkeys Like in the mural it wet rock out Big picture is too a good for septic to cross. Well, listen interest in the sport has never been higher But is it for the right reasons? I mean do we want to talk about his regular substitution pattern or the fact that he's dating the hot tie leg bum, right? Yeah, I'm jealous. Well, he's already had a tremendous effect on the rest of the league Absolutely other two cars are not as vocal as Tui But they are signing three trillion baht deals releasing their own love tongue albums Their faces are all over our tie being custard containers for sure Yet many of these guys can't even wait around after a match to sign returns on the pitch I think septic to cross gonna have to take a long hard look at itself if it wants to keep relating to the average fan You bet Reggie Greengrass.
Thank you for your time, sir. My pleasure. Talk to you again |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_will_ferrell_and_britney_spears_on_giving_up_show_business_snl | Now a good friend of ours here at Snl. You all right? Yeah, a good friend of ours here at Snl left the show last year and none of us has seen him since. There has been an air of mystery about what he's been up to. Here to talk about. it is our own beloved Will Ferrell. Hi, Gina, hi Hi Jimmy, sorry having kept in touch.
Truth of the matter is, I quit the biz. You quit show business? that's right, Tina. I quit got myself a little place up in Sonoma. not too big. I do some farming, raise organic chickens, make my payments, and hang out with my special lady. well, that sounds pretty nice actually. Yeah, yeah, the whole thing was my girlfriend's idea. I guess she was tired of show business too and and suggested you know, what am I doing? I should let her tell the tell the story.
Britney, You want my new lady? Britney Spears. Oops, I did it again. I fell in love with Miss Britney Spears.
Hi, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I guess love makes me do crazy things. Yeah, so so it's not Colin Farrell. you're actually dating Will Ferrell. I think we're a little past the dating. yes, a little past dating. I There's been a lot of crazy rumors about you in the tabloids lately. What I read yesterday that you're running a Colombian drug cartel. or I mean these tabloid papers are ridiculous. Seriously, they follow you around, they take your pictures. they lie about every move you make. You know what it's like? Tina? No, no, I don't know. Listen to me Paparazzi. You stay away from my Britney. No, you can't believe the tabloids, You guys.
The truth is, I'm living on a farm in Northern, California with we're Will Ferrell here, and I love him so much. Yesterday we're in the barn okay, and our cows walk in right now. this poor cow, he's so sick. because wait, Me and Will We know nothing about farming nothing, we're horrible farmers like that all all our animals are sick. Maybe we should try and milk her, right? So Will says maybe I should try and milk you.
I did. I said that we I could be pretty crazy. Yes. Well, I thought you were married Jimmy. look who it is. it's Britney Spears Jimmy. If you could only know how much I love this man. Like oh, I'm gonna cry. I said I wouldn't Don't Here it comes, I'm gonna cry Great Will Ferrell and Britney Spears. Everyone. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tammy_the_trucker_on_gas_prices_and_definitely_not_abortion_snl | With so many midterm raises tightening, it's hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls, social issues, or economic concerns. here to comment is Tammy the Trucker, who promises she's here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What? Me, Tammy the Trucker, Breaker Breaker, Big Mama, over. Wow, Tammy, so you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices, I guess that makes sense to me. Yes, I thought it would, Colin Jost. that's why I'm here. Tammy the Trucker. And what was that about? Not talking about abortion? No, no, no, no, no. Breaker Breaker, Double Dipper, I got a Big Daddy on my tail. And all I'm here to talk about is gas, even though the Supreme Court sent Roe V. Wade to that big pit stop in the sky. Beep, beep. yeah, 50 years of precedent. beep, beep. Or both. Cecily, are you okay? it seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion. calm your cooter down, Beaver Keneaver. I'm Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you, and I got to be in Rancho Cucarumba by nightfall. Rancho Cucarumba? Cecily, what are you doing? I don't know, Colin, I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? gas prices are up and families are really hurting. but that's not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. we're in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war, honk, honk, Breaker Breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. it's not really magic, because they told us that's exactly what they're going to do, and they've been doing it. Breaker breaker, Big Daddy, I got a double nickel on the big slab. did you just, like, google trucker terms?
Oh, like research? Yeah, here, hold that.
Look, I don't want to talk about abortion on live Tv or Peacock, whatever that counts as, but these are scary times, okay? Because they don't want to just take away access to health care. they want to criminalize it, too. I mean, it's so bad. us truckers are all out here, warning each other to delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I wear my bad underwear, but I can't in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime.
Aruba! I don't think it's Aruba.
I think it's Aluga. you have something against, you are riding my ass, dude. My point is, give me that. My point is, you shouldn't have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. beep, beep. Yeah. am I clear? am I rear clear? Beep. And I'm backing up about 50 years into the past. Okay, I gotcha. I gotcha.
Look, yeah, I know this one's fun for you, okay? let me give you some little chucker toys, okay? Oh. yeah, here you go. here's a Nudie mag. here's this.: Oh. is this catering? Well, it was at one point. look at your naked gals, Okay?
Look, the truth is, I have felt pretty helpless over the past year, and it's hard to know what to say to make other chuckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here's the thing I can say. there's one mother-chucking thing we can do to fight for mother-chucking freedom to make her own health care decisions, And that's vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. Because remember, we all love someone who's had an abortion.
I mean, drives a truck. Beep, beep. Aloha. Good job, everyone. for weekend update, I'm Colin Jost. I'm Michael J. Good night. |
cracked | after_hours_how_9_11_changed_90s_sitcoms_forever_friends_seinfeld | I want to talk about 9-11. No!
I thought we were friends. So, I was re-watching some of my friends recently. It's just called Friends, Daniel. No, I mean I was re-watching my friends. Chandler, Joey, Will, Grace, Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George, Caroline, The City. Ah, you were watching Friends and then the rest of the musty TV line-up.
Yeah, it's summer in an odd year. What was I supposed to do? What do you do in winter of even years? Re-watch all of SNICK?
Okay, so musty TV was NBC's comedy line-up that ran on Thursday nights from 1993 to 2006. Who at this table do you think would not know what musty TV is? Who are you saying this for? It's where they tested out new shows and kept their powerhouses. Yeah, you're mad about Jews, you're Seinfelds, you're friendses. Yes, my friendses. In the mid to late 90s and the early 2000s, musty TV meant hanging out with your friends, all of which were in New York City. It can't be all. Seinfeld, friends. Just shoot me, Will and Grace.
Veronica's Closet.
Mad about you, the Naked Truth. Fired up, star-grave mad at the single guy.
All New York. Screw the rest of the country. The stuff you need to see, the people you must see, are all in New York.
Suddenly, Susan took place in San Francisco. But only for a year. It was reshuffled mid-season and eventually settled on a Monday time slot. Suddenly, Susan was an outlier. Like the short-lived Boston Common.
A show that, that none of you even remember. That none of you could tell me what it was about. No one brave enough with this...
Oh, 20-something from Virginia delivers his sister to college, falls in love with a stranger, and then moves there to woo that stranger. Yeah, that's called stalking. He moves in with his sexually active sister and tries to inspire her with his chaste pursuit of the stranger with whom he is allegedly in love, as if to say, sure, sex is bad, but at least being creepy is just aces. Thanks for reading this, Michael.
Boston Common wasn't long for Thursday night, because must-see TV belonged to New York. The fast-paced, diverse, hipper-than-you mother****** capital of the world. At a certain point, they just started naming shows after locations in New York. Battery park and union square. You can square and batter park.
Yes. Both of those. Then. The city in Carolina and the city was... New York City! Yes.
All of your friends were all hanging out in New York City, from Phoebe Buffet on Friends to a second character on Carolina and the City. They were all hanging out together.
There's not workplace comedies. It's not family comedies.
It was a bunch of friends hanging out, all of them, together, but only in New York. Only in New York! That doesn't apply here.
Also, they're all friends with one another's shows. Phoebe's twin sister is a waitress on Mad About You, and Paul Reiser shares an apartment building with Cosmo Kramer. There's even an episode of Friends where Caroline is in the city, and she's hit on by Joey and Chandler while they're taking care of their friends, baby.
And she just thinks that they're a happy gay couple, and they're just so upset about that. Ross was on... Ooh! The single guy! See, Jonathan Silverman thinks that Ross is gay, and then the rest of the episode is mostly just jokes about that.
The point is, it's all the same New York, the same bubble. Even the outlier, Frazier in Seattle. He's still just another intellectual coastal elitist. All I got was some attitude and a cheap glass of wine. Loire Valley, my ass. He's in the same bubble as everyone else back in New York, and you must see them. You must look at them.
And then... I forget. Then what happened? 9-11!
That year, had an hour of Friends followed by Will & Grace and Just Shoot Me. A bunch of wealthy, bored people hanging out in New York, living their lives. The year after 9-11, MustyTV debuted a show called Good Morning, Miami. Strange name for a show based in New York. They also had one of the first single-camera sitcoms, Scrubs, about a doctor who escapes into wild, imaginative fantasies while he's working in a hospital in an undisclosed, middle-of-America town. NBC was fleeing New York and fleeing reality. Yeah, but the last couple of seasons of Friends kind of left reality, too.
I mean, they didn't even acknowledge 9-11. Wait, didn't we talk about this already? In New York. During 9-11. And didn't mention it once.
Joey even left New York and Joey. Friends couldn't handle 9-11, so they retreated to the heartland and to a fantasy world. The shows that stayed in New York weren't about privileged, wealthy people just hanging out enjoying their lives.
It was about privileged, wealthy people who would get hired at a job so we can enjoy watching their mean boss enjoy firing them. You're all fired. Or they were liberal Hollywood elites giving grand speeches about how great New York is, only to get spat in the mouth by a complete stranger. But Kenneth the Page is just an insulting caricature of a TV-guzzling country bumpkin. Self-rebuttal.
He does turn out to be some sort of god. Who said I've been alive forever? Ooh, I hope that happens to me and my character. Wait, did we already talk about this? If I followed the events correctly, I think I might be some kind of magic.
A New York exodus was clear. The top-billed show for years after 9-11 was My Name is Earl, a show about a simple guy in a small town doing good deeds. Yeah, but they were all small towns in the office in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Pawnee, Indiana for Parks and Recreation. Greendale, Colorado in season four of Community.
Okay, alright, later. We're gonna talk later. It's you.
Everyone left their big American melting pot bubble for smaller, more comfortable bubbles. And they all went single-cam. All of them.
No laugh track. Maybe we weren't sure if we could laugh anymore. Or perhaps more interesting, the single camera led us to a more voyeuristic look at the world. Mockumentaries suddenly diving inside people's heads to see their fantasies. We didn't trust each other anymore. We were more paranoid.
Right. The friends were no longer friends from friends anymore. They were just workplace comedies, people forced to work together in an office, like the office from, well, Parks and Recreation. Right. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose who you work with. If it's a workplace show, then you're suddenly surrounded by a bunch of people that you might not agree with.
You fight. You argue.
But then, after many, many seasons, you start to get along. You learn to trust each other, learn to like each other, learn to love each other, and become a family.
So, what's your theory? Why did you bring this up? You already said.
Because he loves us. Hey, I love you too, man. In a very deep, intense, scary way. In that way, I f***ing love you.
No theory. Just a thing.
I noticed. I noticed things. I'm a noticer. Like, I know, for example, MUSC TV.
That's... No. Forget me. That's nothing. Isn't it? Okay. So, Daniel, you're saying what? That WINGS did 9-11? No. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying anything.
I just had a thing. I know it's kind of half-baked, but note cards. I had a thing.
Okay, but Daniel, just to reiterate, your thing is just the theory that 9-11 changed everything. Mm-hmm. Didn't it? We're gonna start. Let's go around the horn and list things that 9-11 changed, and I think we'll be here for a very long time. New York. Well, let me think of one. Must see TV. Cadbury egg size. I blame 9-11. Mm-hmm. Amount of money spent on war.
What shampoo I can bring on a carry-on. Green tea flavored Kit Kat bars.
Most of mine are candy related, but we'll get through them. That was hit the hardest, probably. Yeah. At the same time, there's a new video from us. A lot of time to burn still. I really went right through that. |
dropout | if_a_swat_team_member_was_also_apartment_hunting | clear clear all right today's mission is simple get in get the suspect get home safe to mama remember you either swat or you're not Wow there's a lot of space in here outside of this manhunt I'm also on an apartment hunt and let me tell you you do not find a place like this every day of the week oh my team I need not remind you the suspect must be taken alive we have spent five hundred man hours tracking him down and he will not slip through our fingers yes sir after what this guy did let's make sure he never oh my god this place has hardwood floors seriously I spent like a thousand man hours on Craigslist and you do not find a place like this on Craigslist you either co-op or you're no op yeah marble countertops kitchen is clear and immaculate no sign of the suspect yet though we know someone's been here recently these are all new appliances Walker I want eyes on the street if anything moves down there I want to know about it we're gonna miss something you got it captain I also want eyes on the lease I can't be the only one who wants this apartment there's a loophole in that lease I want to know about it captain I want to know that I have dibs on this apartment Walker acknowledge my dibs okay we have dibs in the apartment great let's keep looking bathroom is clear and unique Wow a lot of personality in here I love this team if you see anything that looks suspicious please report talking to tripwire a hidden camera loud AC unit mold maybe if you just don't like the paint in any of the rooms please tell me anything you think will cause buyers remorse negative negative sir get down could be a hostile could be a hostile huh the cat this place is pet friendly I repeat pet friendly there's just one room left the bedroom suspect has locked himself inside we have to blow the door negative we will not affect the security deposit of this apartment captain suspect could get away fine I hate this part of the job sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry that's a trip to Home Depot oh shit this place is gonna blow I knew this place was too good to be true |
TheOnion | Cocky_Giants_D_Reveals_Game_Plan_That_They_Will_Try_And_Tackle_Tom_Brady | Make life saliva and get out of my face. I'm Kenny Kennedy, don't ask where Doc is, it just makes him feel good. I'm Reggie Greengrass.
Ah, shut up and stop saying words that have nothing to do with the Super Bowl. It's time for the Face Off. Well, the cocky Giants defense tipped their hand on media day, telling the whole world that their game plan is to tackle Tom Brady as often as they can on Sunday. Stupid arrogant move. The element of surprise is gone. Now Tom Brady is going to be looking for guys trying to tackle him, whereas before he would not have been. This is what Coughlin gets for telling his players what they're going to do ahead of time. Loose lips sink ships.
At least New York's offense will keep the Patriots guessing. They might try to get first downs and score points or just punt and hope for a fumble like they did against the 49ers. That's what's great about Eli Manning. He doesn't understand the game plan well enough to divulge it to anyone.
Alright, on the other side, Belichick once again showed us he's a motivational master by castrating a player in the locker room. In a terrifying and awe-inspiring psych-up ceremony, Belichick hauled defensive back Devin McCordy's testicles up onto the trainer's table, lopped them off of the cleaver, held them up and said any questions. There were none. Belichick is a wily fox who knows that violent emasculation in the locker room translates to manlier play on the field. Belichick likes to get inside his players' heads and pants, but it's risky. Who knows how a team might respond to witnessing a partial orchidectomy. If a player doesn't get excited when gouts of genital blood hit the locker room wall, he's not a guy I want on my team. Hey, Jim Harbaugh got the Niners to the NFC Championship through positive reinforcement. He complimented his players' genitals. Oh yeah, and Jim Harbaugh and his fully testicle team are going to watch the Super Bowl from their mamby-pamby castration-free couch.
Please stop saying castration. Never. It's my second favorite word.
In other news out of Indy, things are spinning out of control for Peyton Manning after the Colts broke up with him over dinner, Manning went on a promiscuous three-day binge of casual football with total strangers. Manning was spotted wandering around downtown trying to toss the pigskin with anyone willing to play with him. Manning's already offered to throw it to players from the Jets, pitch and catch with the Dolphins, and go downfield on the Raiders.
He's just hurting himself. If he wants to blow off some steam, he should concentrate on his career.
Go bang out a half-dozen Papa John's commercials. Focus on what makes him happy. Oh, you would condone happiness. All right, Goompa-loompas, that's a face-off when we get back. More from Indy where the Pats are working Chad Ochocinco into the game plan by having him scout for fun Super Bowl parties.
Held them up and sent any questions. There were none.
Belichick is a wily fox who knows that violent emasculation in the locker room translates to manlier play on the field. Belichick likes to get inside his players' heads and pants, but it's risky. Who knows how a team might respond to witnessing a partial orchidectomy. If a player doesn't get excited when gouts of genital blood hit the locker room wall, he's not a guy I want on my team. Hey, Jim Harbaugh got the Niners to the NFC Championship through positive reinforcement. He complimented his players' genitals. Oh, yeah, and Jim Harbaugh and his fully testicle team are going to watch the Super Bowl from their mamby-pamby castration-free couch.
Please stop saying castration. Never. It's my second favorite word.
In other news out of Indy, things are spinning out of control for Peyton Manning after the When the Colts broke up with him over dinner, Manning went on a promiscuous three-day binge of casual football with total strangers. Manning was spotted wandering around downtown trying to toss the pigskin with anyone willing to play with him. Manning's already offered to throw it to players from the Jets, pitch and catch for the Dolphins, and go downfield on the Raiders.
He's just hurting himself. If he wants to blow off some steam, he should concentrate on his career.
Go bang out a half-dozen Papa John's commercials. Focus on what makes him happy. Oh, you would condone happiness. All right, Goompa Loompas, that's a face-off when we get back. More from Indy, where the Pats are working Chad Ochocinco into the game plan by having him scout for fun Super Bowl parties. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Monday_23rd_March | Hello, my name's Wendell Hussey and you're listening to the Batutah Advocates Daily News Rap. Now as I'm sure you're aware, things seem to be getting closer and closer to a total lockdown. Desert Rock FM and the Batutah Advocate newsroom in the Old City district are shut for the next little while as the Advocates team looks to keep contact at a bare minimum. So for the foreseeable future, we'll be coming to you live from the budgie smuggler bedroom in some generic project home on the edge of the Batutah Heights. In these uncertain times with things rapidly changing all the time, we'll be dropping a daily news rap at the end of every traditional working day to get you up to speed on what's been happening around town, around the country and around the world. So make sure to tune in. Alrighty, we'll kick off down in Sydney with one of our big stories.
Rich people don't get coronavirus confirms 20,000 brainless cunts on Bondi Beach on Friday arvo. Yeah, some interesting news for medical experts and health professionals fighting against COVID-19 in a sense, but the rest of the nation weren't impressed after photos circulated of Bondi Beach looking like it was the first day of summer on Friday afternoon. Despite the Prime Minister issuing urgent warnings about what not to do during the crisis, Australia's most attractive, wealthy and cultured citizens decided to completely ignore him in an effort to show them that the potentially fatal effects of COVID-19 don't affect them. The well-publicised photos resulted in a huge social media backlash, with the rest of the nation now asking every Bondi resident the age-old question, how dumb are you cunt? While that question hasn't been answered yet, the state and federal governments have been forced to implement far tighter restrictions on Australian residents in an effort to make sure that people ensure a safe distance from one another to prevent the spread of the virus.
So thanks to the good people of the Bondi bubble, all restaurants and cafes are now takeaway only. Pubs, registered and licensed clubs, nightclubs, casinos, cinemas, gyms, indoor sporting venues, indoor churches and other places of worship have all been forced to close today, completely fucking over a giant group of people relying on those places to stay open so they can pay rent and put food on the table.
Moving on to some other national news now, Gladys Grit's teeth and smiles through another captain's call by Scotty the medical expert. This follows another day of state premiers and the Prime Minister operating on seemingly different wavelengths about what should be done in the midst of this crisis. Speaking at a press conference down in Sydney today, the NSW Premier followed in the footsteps of her Victorian counterpart Daniel Andrews and announced that all parents that can should be keeping their children away from schools to prevent the spread of the virus. She was then seen gritting her teeth and forcing a fake smile when asked about why she was saying something completely different to the Prime Minister who issued a statement confirming that schools would stay open and kids should be attending. Oh, he said that did he? Interesting, well that's not what we're saying. Said Berejiklian as if they didn't all have a video conference last night to discuss these sorts of things. She then said, can someone tell Scott that we need a uniform set of guidelines for people to follow so they aren't getting confused?
So hopefully we'll get that soon. In finance news today, please help us Scotty asks airline, bank and energy companies that haven't paid tax for decades. The Batutah Advocate can exclusively reveal that a range of multi-billion dollar companies have put their caps in their hands this morning and made a quick trip down to Canberra to beg the Prime Minister to not let them fail. Despite cashing in on the economic boom that was the last couple of decades and doing everything they could to avoid paying anywhere near their fair share of tax, a group of companies have now asked the government for a handout to help them get by. It's not yet known what the Prime Minister will decide on the issue but an insider has told us that he's probably going to tell them to get fucked. And we had a comment on that from Aaron Miller who lives down in the French Quarter who said, Amazing how the CEOs of these companies can earn millions and millions of dollars for supposedly being business geniuses, yet the minute they encounter any hiccup they're screwed and need to stick their hand out for bailouts. An interesting point there.
Sports news now. In what comes as somewhat of a silver lining for the AFL, the Gold Coast Suns have set a new attendance record despite the coronavirus restrictions. Remarkably, amidst all that's going on, the team from the glitter strip have smashed their own crowd record at Metricon Stadium over the weekend. It wasn't enough to get them over the line unfortunately as they fell by 57 points to Port Adelaide Power but the record should stand for quite some time as the season's now been called off by AFL CEO Gillan McLaughlin for the next couple of months at least. Good on them. I guess they're not an essential service like the NRL. Anyway that's all from the Batutah Advocate newsroom from home today. Thanks for tuning in, stay safe, stay sanitised and we'll talk to you again tomorrow. |
TheOnion | Australian_Officials_Touting_Bushfire_As_Huge_Success_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_16 | The Australian bushfires continue to burn today, and parliament officials are celebrating. Have they finally wiped out Australia's pestering koala population for good?
From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and this ain't your mommy's little news podcast anymore. It's mine.
Stay with us. The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store. And now Cash App comes with a cash card, a free debit card that rewards you with discounts for shopping at places you already love. I use it all the time to buy soap and bulk on the internet. You see, without my bulk soap, I'd be a dirty boy always scrambling for suds, using my bathmat on my soiled back as a cleaning tool. No thank you. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
Over 32,000 square feet of land, roughly the same size as South Carolina, has burned in Australia since fires began late last year. But officials in the country's capital of Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that's designed to help control the koala population. OPR's Remy Berglund has been following this story since the bush was first set ablaze and joins us now.
Hello, Remy. Hi, Leslie.
For decades, the Australian government has struggled in their efforts to eradicate the koala. The marsupials' numbers have exploded in recent years, causing significant damage to the surrounding habitat and generally being a nuisance. Here's Australia's Minister for the Environment, Susan Lay. Koalas have been a scourge to this country since its inception. They're a blight on our economy, they decimate our precious eucalyptus forests and frighten away tourists. Not anymore. I'm proud to announce that in the three months since we introduced wildfires across the continent, nearly 99% of the koala population has perished. And once all the forests are completely burned down, we're positive the little shitheads will be gone for good. The commissioner certainly sounds triumphant, but how is this program different from previous attempts by the government to get rid of koalas? Well, Leslie, mostly it's the fire. The Australian government sanctioned large-scale koala hunting programs in the 1920s, but it wasn't enough to wipe out the pests.
Then they tried again in the 1960s by poisoning the animals' drinking water, which did make a large dent in the population. Unfortunately, their numbers recovered.
So the flames are killing enough of the koalas to keep them from growing back. Is this a permanent solution? Those here hope that's the case, but koalas breed quickly. A single female can produce one offspring every one to two years. If even a handful of koalas survive the wildfires, that means there could be tens, even dozens of koalas infesting the countryside in just a few short decades. Pesky little fuckers. Absolutely. I spoke with local rancher Thomas Taylor, who's been working around the clock since the fires began, to keep koalas off his land. Fucking koala.
Sons of bitches scampering around me, all trying to look all helpless and shit. Can't fool me. Chased them all right back into the fire, but I see them sneaking into me barn at night. I'll have to burn me own house down soon.
But if it means no more koala, I'll do it. Sounds like the locals are still frustrated. Yeah, they're worried the wildfires won't be enough to keep the koala permanently at bay. Here's Minister Lay again, discussing how her department will ensure the marsupials stay dead. It's imperative we keep these fluffy bastards from returning to our shores, or worse, invading non-native habitats across the globe. The bushfires are doing a great job of smoking them out, but just to be extra safe, we're planting landmines around the base of eucalyptus trees that should blow these little fuckers to bits. This is war. Sounds like they're taking this environmental issue very seriously.
They are, and they're hoping to take what they learn and apply it to other initiatives as well. Lay said that they plan to take the most successful parts of this wildfire program and apply it to their ongoing Great Barrier Reef obliteration project. Well, we wish the Australian people the best of luck.
OPR's Remy Berglund. Thank you, Remy. Thank you.
Packed platforms, non-stop delays, and double-digit wait times. They're all now part of the daily scene New York subway commuters are calling a nightmare. But the Metropolitan Transportation Authority is looking to alleviate some of these issues, announcing today an approved $28 billion plan to finally renovate the city's outdated, inefficient subway masturbators. But how did it get this bad, and when can commuters expect to see it get any better? OPR's Lester Kranz went to find out. It's still early, barely 7 a.m., but morale among commuters on the Atlantic Avenue platform in Brooklyn is already bleak. As an R train pulls into the station, the frustration on the rider's faces is evident, and the reason why is clear.
How long have you been waiting? Well, I first noticed him slip his cock out of the top of his waistband maybe 10 or 15 minutes ago, but he is taking forever. This woman, 27-year-old Alicia Byers, said she arrived to the station early today with the hopes of getting a head start on the morning rush. But it turns out that sometimes, even an extra hour isn't enough. Ah, man, how much longer do you think it will be? I don't know. I'm already late for work, but hopefully not much longer. But with impotent guys like this, it is very hard to tell. And she was right. As I chatted with other passengers, I learned that this delay wasn't at all unusual. Numerous riders shared similar stories about waiting up to 30, even 35 minutes for a single masturbator to tilt back his head, let out a raspy groan, and bust a nut all over his gray Champion brand sweatpants while maintaining a frighteningly forceful grip on his exposed, already limp penis. I've been standing here waiting for this creep to publicly climax for a good 30 minutes now. 30 minutes? And he's barely at half chub. I could have called an Uber by now. It's start, stop, start, stop, start, stop.
How hard can it be to jerk yourself off to completion while staring into the eyes of a petrified stranger? Now in the 70s, that was a golden age. There was a masturbator on every car.
They're old, they're creaky, they're broken. Why can't we be more like Tokyo? The problem? Many of these ancient wankers haven't been repaired or replaced since the 1930s.
Relief, however, may soon be within reach, with the MTA approving a $28 billion plan to finally renovate the city's subway masturbators. The new sex offenders are projected to masturbate up to 30% faster, 45% smoother, and have dicks so rock hard they'll be ready to blow as soon as they arrive in your line of vision. City officials also added the experience is estimated to be at least 75% more dangerous for women.
For OPR, I'm Lester Kranz. Well, well, well, look who it is. Looks like someone wanted a little more news after all. It's okay. We figured you'd be back.
We won't tell anyone either. Here's what else you need to know today.
In an effort to address security concerns, the Nevada Democratic Party announced today that the state will be switching to the use of electronic voters. Party members are confident that the new voter models, which vote faster and more accurately than their human counterparts, will ensure the reliability of its upcoming Democratic caucus.
The CDC is urging Americans to take extra precautions during the ongoing coronavirus outbreak, recommending today that people also wear face masks on the back of their heads just in case it attacks from the rear. And police in Minneapolis encountered a grisly scene today in an abandoned house where six victims had been executed, all with gunshots to the head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose, head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
And that's it for The Topical today, I'm Leslie Price. Join us again tomorrow if there is a tomorrow, and don't forget to like and subscribe to The Topical, because our subscription numbers are really the only thing that makes me feel any amount of self-worth. And if you wouldn't mind writing me an encouraging little note in the review, that might make me feel good, too. See you tomorrow. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_homeland_security_saturday_night_live | Good afternoon. Before we begin today's briefing, I wish to announce that on the basis of a change in the nature of Al Qaeda chatter, we are changing the current threat level to Magenta. let me repeat, the threat level is now magenta. What is magenta? it's a darker maroon. it's not quite an oxblood. it's more plum color than, say, crimson. How serious is it? I honestly don't have an answer for that. we'll try to have that for you by early in the week. in any case, I'd like to introduce Craig Fenson, who's the new senior Spokesman for the new Office of Homeland Security, and he'll be happy to take your questions. Good Afternoon.
In the past few weeks through our national hotline, we have collected hundreds of names of suspected terrorists, and I'm proud to say that most of these calls have come from high school and college students nationwide. in fact, we received over 475 calls alone regarding this man. my balls is Harry. we also received calls regarding such nefarious terrorists as grabber booby and hide a salami. Let this be a message to you, Hide a salami. We will not play your dangerous game.
We are also currently searching for a man we believe to be an Al-qaeda lieutenant who's been-farteen, his cousin. I've been farteen, and their close companion, Hijit Madras. Question over there? Yes. is there a way to identify who's been farteen?
Our operatives have picked up his scent. Also, according to our intelligence, he is targeting gas refineries and fertilizer plants, and, oddly enough, baked bean canneries. he is a silent but deadly killer. Hi. what can you tell us about Hijit Madras? We're told that when he was fleeing the scene of his last attack, he left skid marks. he is extremely dangerous. our sources say that he is plotting to attack New York City. the New York City sewer system with what we believe it is to be a dirty bomb.
Do you have any other names you're willing to release? Yes. please call our hotline at once if you have any information regarding the following men. Shavir Boush, Al Suqa queer, must have a rod up your pooper. I hope I got that right. I want a phugia. you'll stroke it, I'll watch, and a Puma Decal, who we believe will be targeting certain adult bookstores sometime in the near future, And this man, the notorious Eulique Mideek, aka, you wanna Mideek, aka, you Suga Mideek. thank you. that is all, and live from New York, It's Saturday night. |
dropout | Gold_Star | Hey, everybody, welcome to Tales from the Closet. This is a podcast about being in the closet and being out of it, getting out of there. If you're currently in the closet, we're here to keep you company. Put in those headphones, take a walk, and journal, read, plan your escape from wherever you currently are. From wherever you currently are.
We have a very fun episode today. I am joined by three people I consider friends. We'll find out a little bit more as the podcast continues. And for those of you who have subscribed to Dropout, thank you so much. That's where we get literally 100% of our support, emotionally and financially. So thank you so much for supporting this podcast.
It is $5.99 a month. No one asked me to do this. Why am I doing this? It's $5.99 a month, and you get unlimited access to a bunch of shows that I put my blood, sweat, and tears in. So check it out. You also get a week free with promo code Blue Apron.
Just kidding. No.
Let's get right into it. I want to talk to you guys. How about introduce yourself? Who are you? Welcome to the show. Hi.
OK. I'm Mia Folek. I'm a musician. My pronouns are she, her. And I guess I identify as in a relationship with a woman. I guess I'm pretty bi. I identify as shackled. As whipped, yeah. I identify as whipped and a good boy. OK. Hey. I'm Lauren Early. I'm a musician. I go by she, her. I identify as down for whatever, like queer or bi. I'm also shackled. Cool. And lastly. Hey, I'm Mary Ann Lipino. I'm a musician as well. I go by she, her. And I am gay as the days long. A gay one.
Not shackled either. Oh, shit, baby. All of your social media handles just appeared under your name, so hey, check those DMs. I'm so desperate. I'm not shackled, actually. Well, thank you so much for being on this show, guys.
We usually, at the top, we talk about how you came out. What was that like? I'm sure for a lot of people, it happens a lot of times over and over. What's one memorable one for good or for bad? Anything that comes to mind? Yeah.
So I guess for me, I've been pretty out in Los Angeles and amongst my circle of friends in music and in the art world. Basically, just everybody who knows me in LA probably would be surprised that I wasn't out to my family until recently.
I just didn't feel like it was important to tell them. You laugh at that? I was just like, well, why do they need to know that? It's just excessive information. But in hindsight, I think it probably would have been nice to include them in maybe some of that journey, just because they had a lot of questions. And I think they were worried that I had felt scared or repressed and afraid to tell them, which I was.
Anyway, the reason I came out to my parents is because I had a show at the Troubadour, and my girlfriend was coming, and so is my family. So I was like, OK, I think I should probably inform them before this show, just because I respect my girlfriend. And I didn't want it to be a situation where she had to pretend to be my friend, or horrible. So I was with my friend, Annika. I remember Annika was trying to figure out what she was going to wear to some party, and I was standing in her room on the phone with my mom just being like, so at the show at the Troubadour, anyway, I've been dating somebody, and it's a woman. She's coming to the show. And my mom was just like, OK.
And that was it. Really? That was it.
A little bit shocked, or like, what do you think? She was, I don't think they were that shocked. I first told my sister, and my sister was like, nobody's surprised me.
Yeah, I was never really gay until I was 20. But of course, I always presented myself like this. And so my family always thought I was gay, and it was an annoying. My grandparents would be like, well, if you ever brought a woman, we support that. And then obviously, it became a thing. And then I just, because of that, it was kind of embarrassing in this way, because it totally appeared that I had been super tortured my whole life and keeping it a secret.
Yeah. But yeah, anyway, I moved. I used to live in New York. And then I moved to Los Angeles, and I started dating a girl who's still my girlfriend.
And I was playing music, and she was coming to my shows. And I think, yeah, I was like, I told my dad that my girlfriend, Kylie, would be at the show.
And his immediate response was like, why do you need to, he was just like, why are you telling me this? But it was definitely a very immediate defensive thing, but he's actually totally chill with it. Oh, you mean, was he like, why are you telling me that she'll even be there? Or why are you telling me that you have a girlfriend? It was very vague, but definitely the latter.
Yeah. It is weird. It is kind of like a sexual thing that you're telling your parents when you come out. I'm having sex with somebody. Yeah. Here's the specific type of person I would rather have sex with. This is the type of sex I'm having. Yeah, I think that's what I do not talk about sex in my. Same. Yeah, it forces you to talk about the type of sex that you are having. Before, like, when I was dating men.
It's hot, dad. So you cut your fingers, and then you're like, yeah. And your parents are like, OK, well, I'll be at your show.
Yeah, I also, like, I never told my family about anyone I was dating forever. So then when I started dating women, I was like, well, why is this any different? But in hindsight, I definitely think that that was, like, convenient and allowed me to, like, avoid dealing with it. Yeah, it is crazy that for, like, straight, it somehow only feels like you're telling your parents about the sex you like to have when it is queer. Because it's just so, like, assumed, and you're like, I have a boyfriend.
And they're like, oh, OK, it's over. You know, like, they move on to the next thing with their girlfriend. It's like, wait a minute. You know, and you're like, don't take that second moment.
Yeah, for me, I'm like, OK, I'm going to be at your show. Yeah, for me, on my end, it was, like, a mix of, like, total terror that I would lose everyone I loved. And also just, like, why do you need to know, too? I was like, it doesn't seem to matter, like, who I'm, like, hooking up with. But I'd always known since I was, like, a kid. So it was, like, a secret I had my whole life. And then, like, but it was, like, not a secret. Because, like, it's me. Like, there's no way you can hide the gay. Like, I was so obviously, like, a little dyke. So I think they always kind of knew.
My brothers kind of figured it out when I was bringing girls over. And then my dad, I think, just wanted to be oblivious to it. But then eventually, like, understood what was going on. And we had to talk about it eventually when I was, like, 25. Like, it took me a long time to get the guts to tell him. And by that point, he had already worked through it.
And, like, it was totally chill. Really? Yeah.
He said he was proud of me for, like, the first time in my life. Like, he's never even said he's proud of me for anything else.
Yeah, I'll take that to my grave. I'm so happy about it. So that's all you need to do from now on is just, like, be gay. And that's you making your father proud. Yeah, apparently. Yeah, I should give him more details then, I guess. Yeah, I will. We have a friend who, I won't say their name, but is, like, if my mom could just see the women that I'm having sex with, like, she would be so proud. I think that helped a lot in my coming out is that Christine, my girlfriend, is, like, by far the best person I've ever dated. Really? We go to the point where my cousins, my uncles, just basically all of my relatives, when Christine met them, were like, thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you for being you and for dating me because, yeah, it was interesting up until now. So I think, yeah, it was, I mean, I have a great family, and I honestly think they would have been supportive regardless. But I think it helped. It was like, guess what? I'm in a relationship with a woman, and she's amazing. So, like, here we go. Everything's kind of easy.
Yeah, I mean, I know I'm, like, obviously pretty biased, but I'm just, like, the pool of people to date in the queer world versus, like, the cis hetero world is just, like, ugh. Navigating, like, the cis abyss is just like, oh, here's my boyfriend. He is in Arrested Development and plays video games all day, and maybe he'll come to the door and meet you. This is my very successful queer girlfriend.
She was, like, wants to come say hi and brought you, like, a bottle of wine, you know? Just on a manners level. Yes, the real manners. It's crazy. OK, cool. Well, we are going to move, each episode we have a little topic to discuss.
It's called our haunted word. It's usually a word that would haunt us as four queer people.
And today it is gold star. Are you scared? My heart is pounding. The speakers might be fine. The storms are brewing.
Gold star, what does that make you guys think of? Do you like it? Do you hate it? It makes me think of you because you taught me what the word gold star is. Interesting. Yeah.
When you lost your gold star. Wait, when did you lose your gold star?
It was a long time ago in Germany. We don't have to get into the details. But he, in a German accent, told me that he was always a nerd growing up.
And then he started rock climbing and got super buff. And then he saw the people who would bully him at a party and he thought, no more violence. He's not going to beat them up.
And this was all in, like, a German accent where they, like, for dates they say, like, 1976. You know, like, I got into a German accent and I was just like, OK.
Let's do this. Let's try this. Oh, dang. Yeah. What do you guys think?
Well, it makes me think of somebody I dated. And a particularly tense breakfast that we had with another friend later on after we stopped dating. And this is a woman. And we stopped dating. But we remained friends.
And she's going to hate that I'm telling this story. But she is a gold star lesbian. I am not. And I feel like she kind of always had this thing where, like, she thought that I wasn't actually, like, a lesbian or, like, into women. And I believe this was around when I was first starting to date Christine, my current girlfriend. And over breakfast, I basically just, like, was fed up with this, like, idea of me that she had. And I was just like. Fair. You just don't like that I'm not a lesbian for you.
Whoa. Oh, shit. Oh, dang. Shots fired.
And then everyone was like, oh. Wait, everyone? Who else was there?
My friend, Annika. It was a banquet hall. Oh, the other story. It was a banquet hall. There were three of us having breakfast. And I was just like, you just don't like that I'm not a lesbian for you. The entire restaurant.
And then they're just, like, silent. Oh, shit.
But that, I mean, just having to be a certain type of lesbian or a certain type of queer, I think that's part of the reason that I didn't come out to my parents is because, like, clearly, I've been attracted to men. So I can just pass as straight. And then I don't have to tell anybody until I, like, fall in love with somebody. And I'm like, oh, I guess people have to know this part of me now. Because I never was, like, I couldn't be like, I'm a lesbian, mom and dad, you know?
Totally. It's just, like, complicated and forces me to talk about sex. It's like, well, I'm attracted. I have had dicks inside of me. And I didn't hate it. But also, you know? Totally. It's such a different experience, though. Because I'm more in the Marianne camp where it's like, I am gay. I've always known this.
All I can think about are women. There's not really even a chance of me.
Except in Germany. That's my Switzerland, honey.
No, I mean, there's not even a chance I would have dated that person. I would have been, like, good friends with that dude.
But it is, like, it's hard when we, like, self-police ourselves. Like, I've, like, women who are bi, I feel like I've had my heart broken so bad by those people.
So hard. We both have. Yeah. And I don't hold it against them, but it's real. And exactly.
Like, it's not a person's fault. It's kind of like, they could be interested in anyone. So the idea of using gold star as, like, an insult or, like, a supremacy thing, I think, is so fucked up.
It's like, OK, good for you. You haven't experienced a lot of things. I don't know. That's just your specific experience. That's what I'm going to say next time. Next time? Good for you you haven't experienced a lot. Good for you.
Wow. But it's true. It's cloudless. There is, like, a competitiveness in queerness. Yeah, it's weird. That's weird.
Like, how gay are you? Yeah. Are you gay enough? Are you trans enough?
Beyond sexuality, it's just, like, queerness in every sense of, like, I'm the most radical. I'm the most inclusive. I'm the fucking gay.
It's stupid. It's true. Move your life. Do it actually is earnest and feels good. And if you're a super radical person, that's cool. Why do you need to prove a point of how radical you are? Yeah.
I feel like, at least for me, I haven't even really heard the term gold star as much anymore. I feel like that's just not as much in the vernacular as it used to be, especially when I was first coming out in the early 2000s.
It was like the big deal. I was asked if I was gold star by almost every queer person I met and was able to be like, yeah, because I was a fucking virgin from Christian college. It was just like, I'm gold star truly in every way. How many stars can I get? I can list off a lot of things.
Untouched territory. I'm untouched. Give me a star.
I kind of feel like it's like when you're like a minority group, you try to just raise to the top of that specific group in such a cutthroat way. And it's like, that doesn't help anybody. But in the same, I'm kind of realizing now that it is like a method of protecting yourself.
And I think I understand that. It makes sense. And if I can't have a gold star, I'm totally fine with that. And do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, totally.
I don't think I can speak to the experience of somebody who would call themselves a gold star lesbian and feel protected by that. Because I can pass it straight. And I have for so long. I feel like there is a privilege to my position. So I can't really speak to it. I can't really judge it. You have to talk about passing privilege is really interesting too. I think with gold star, I can only speak for myself.
But it's kind of like non-monogamy. I feel like I clung to that idea for a really long time. Because I was like, if there's no cheating that's possible, no one will ever cheat. And no one will ever get hurt. And then it took me going to therapy to be like, OK, let's raise our expectations for what a relationship could be like. Not everyone's going to leave you. And I feel like it's gold star. It's like, if I'm only with people who are only interested in women, no one will leave me. There's no sneaky men involved. It's like, anyone could leave for any reason. It's like you control mechanisms.
It's like gold star is safer than a bi person, which is just biphobia. In a way, gold star, I think, is a rough term that I like.
You haven't achieved anything necessarily. It's just an indication of your preference, if anything.
And they give you a necklace. Yeah, they give you a necklace at the award shows.
You've never been?
Oh, jeez. It's called the glad award.
Yeah, I love talking about passing privilege, though. Where do you guys feel with that? Do you feel like you passed? Do you feel like you don't? In the patriarchy, don't we just all pass? It depends what state we're in.
I mean, I'm generally a PDA person. And I've been in relationships with women for like seven years now. And I think across the board, it's always been with someone who's straight passed. It's always been with someone who's straight passing. And maybe my outfit says otherwise, but I'm generally straight passing. And it's always blown my mind that I've been so publicly in your face gay for so long.
And I've literally never had a public encounter. Like where someone yells at you? No one has ever heckled me in these situations.
And it's 100% because we're always straight passing cute girls. Wow. Yeah, that's really interesting. I'm totally completely aware of that. It's like the squeaky clean palatable lesbian version, you think?
Yeah, I got yelled at in my car not even a month ago by a woman in a large blazer who didn't have a home. So that's part of it. So maybe was suffering a psychotic break or something from the sun. But was just screaming faggot at us and was trying to get into the car.
And it was truly so scary. Wow. And I didn't know that that would happen in fucking LA. That was crazy.
They're still out there. I've seen stuff happen in LA, but I also haven't had anything really happen to me like that.
And I'm also not a big PDA person. And also I'm usually with more straight presenting girls, so I wonder if that is part of it. But also it's kind of annoying in a sense because I pass inadvertently, dudes will just hit on us or me all the time, which is a nightmare. I'm like, can I look more gay to make you stop doing this please, sir? Oh my god, I'm much more like a little boy. You're just making such a fool of yourself.
Do they see the necklace that you got at the GLAAD awards? But I'm not a gold star, so I can't get it. I missed out.
Damn. Oh, so none of us are. Fuck that. Fuck that shit.
Part of the privilege that is really obvious to me as a musician, solo artist, is that it benefits me to look like something that could be sexualized by a man. Oh, that's really interesting. Do you know what I mean? So I think that's more of the privilege and also just being able to exist in different spaces. But that's what always comes to mind is that sort of sexualizing me as an artist and in my image and who is it for, I don't know. I'm sure I've benefited from looking like a straight woman. And then I've also benefited from looking like a queer woman. Who knows? But I think that's part of the privilege that has to be acknowledged when you're performing or you're in public.
Totally. Yeah.
To be a performer, I spent three years in Amsterdam performing at a comedy theater. And I once got a note that I was doing a little opening stand-up bit about being gay. And he was like, throw in a line about like, but I'd suck a dick, literally was the note.
What? Isn't that like, yeah, we have two people aghast. And Lauren just doesn't first of all, I mean, he was just like, it's the top of the show. We don't want to alienate over half of the audience is what was said. Because there's no other reason to listen to you other than maybe.
And I'm in a literal blazer suit. That was my show outfit. And I was just in this little pant navy suit.
But I'd suck a dick, I promise. Are you listening? And they're all like, yeah. Don't go to the bathroom, stay. Maybe we should all, before we perform, make it clear. I'm available to everyone for your sexual needs. Yeah, absolutely.
It was just like, wow. This was crazy. That was dark.
To anyone watching, I might suck your dick. Thank you. I might.
You just never know.
But sign up for Dropout. Dropout.tv, $5.99 a month, and you get access to.
I just watched the camera slowly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you guys think about the idea of straight passing that still feels really sexist, right? It's still like, I don't know, it still feels very rooted in patriarchy. The idea of straight passing. Because for queer women, everyone's fucking straight passing. That's how thirsty the culture is. And then for men to be straight passing, it's like, well, do you fucking look like a woman? I feel like more women are, quote unquote, straight passing and less men are straight passing. Because it's just like a witch hunt for feminine women. It's like, you're not. Even straight men aren't straight passing.
I have a lot of very gay seeming straight male friends who I love. Yeah, I do. I really do. And I fucking love them. But then I feel like at this particular moment in time, there are a lot of sincerely straight people who think queerness is cool and present as queer.
Very confusing. And it's very confusing.
If you go to Portland, you're like, what's up, baby? Everyone's straight.
It's a lie. It's a sham.
Seriously, in every model, you're just like, what? Did you bring a grappling hook? Are you? That's what I've been saying now for years.
Everyone looks like Tomb Raider. It's really sexually confusing for me personally that every woman presents as Tomb Raider. Wow, mega crush. On Tomb Raider?
Yeah, back in the day, absolutely. Me too, dog.
We played all of them. My gay brother got all of the video games we got were completely gender flipped. So my brother had the one where you're the Spice Girls and you have to learn all the dances in time to get onto the bus.
Wait, that's amazing. That's a PlayStation game. That's amazing. It was amazing.
I would play that. But it was his choice. And I was always just like, what weird game did Brad get? And it was always like Tomb Raider or Spice Girls. And I was playing shoot-em-up games. I was like, OK, we'll play your game. I actually love Tomb Raider.
How could you not? OK, well, we got special questions this week that are maybe more like musician-specific since I don't think we've ever had three musicians on the podcast before at a time. So these are, for the first time, off of Instagram.
Usually, we do an anonymous survey. And so please, everyone, if you're listening and you have a question for us, please send it in. We'd love to answer it.
Oh, I'm not going to. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. We're making sure I don't read the handles to keep these anonymous.
They're all cute, though. They're all great.
OK, first question. You guys ready? Yes. It's hot in here. Are you guys hot? Yes. OK, great. OK.
Have you ever felt forced by the music industry to conform to heteronormativity in your music?
No.
In fact, I think that the way that it's like, yeah, it's gross. It's like a fucking trending thing. And they think it's something that they can sell, which is related to straight people queering themselves up. I feel like we have to talk about Taylor Swift. Yeah. And that article that came out. We don't even need to discuss it.
I'm just waiting for her to say she's gay. And then I'm like, OK. Then I don't have to pick apart your music video and talk about how it's co-opting gay culture. If you can just say, are you queer? OK. Then I'm like, OK, I'm cool with it all.
What am I missing? What is she doing?
She put out a new music video called Calm Down, or You Should Calm Down, or something like that, where basically she kind of conflates her haters with people who hate on queer people. And then there's a bunch of gay icons in the music video.
And it's just like, is this? I'm all about people allowing people to come late to the party. And if she just wants to support LGBT people now, and it's kind of late, and it's kind of in a weird, selfish manner, fine. But it's just confusing. I don't know what's happening.
I think it's this pinnacle of queer culture being useful for marketing is Taylor Swift. Definitely, yeah. There was an Onion headline that said, Taylor Swift inspires young women to take center stage of the gay rights, or inspires young straight women to take center of attention from the gay rights community or something. Well, we'll wait with bated breath. Yeah, I surely will. I'll wait with bated breath to see if Taylor Swift is queer or not.
No way. I think she is. Right. I mean, what? I would never, I would bet against it. Really? Yeah.
10 bucks. Can't wait to find out Taylor. 10 bucks. 10 bucks?
Well, I want to see you shake. It kind of makes sense when you think about like, give it to me.
Everyone's gay. Just like, these high profile relationships. Everyone's queer. Everyone's gay. Everyone's thought about it. If you're listening to this right now. We would suck your dick, probably. Everyone's gay.
But I would still have sex with you, sir. OK, great. Next one.
Has writing music about personal experiences ever been triggering or difficult for you?
Yeah. I mean, yes. Like, your mom is going to hear this song. And I guess maybe just that's specifically for me because I think there are certain things that I talk about with these people and certain things I talk about with these people. And it's not necessarily all the same people. But I think, yeah.
And then you have to perform that song every day on the road in front of people, whether or not you feel like it. And it can be hard. But it's a choice you make. You decide to make that song or not. And just know whether or not you're up for it. And also, you can just delete it from the internet forever if you don't want it there anymore. Can you?
That's really interesting, though. Have you ever written a song that you had a lot of passion for? And then I would assume you lose that passion on the road.
But how do you re-find it? How do you find how to play that song so many times?
All of you. Yeah, all of you are just shaking your head like, the fucking road. Oh, man.
Well, I mean, for the first question, I feel like I don't name-drop in songs. I guess that's fine. But I feel like I generally write in a more abstract way. And I'm not trying to like, I'm mindful of that. And I'm not trying to single anyone out publicly. Well, have you ever written about something that was specifically triggering for you? Or are you saying that's when you go more abstract? Yeah, they're like sad songs, for sure.
Totally. But I'm not, I'm OK with being triggered. Yeah. As an artist, honestly, that's kind of what you're signing up for in some way. Yeah, it's kind of a job. Yeah.
How's that? How does that feel?
It's like, I do play a lot of music. It's like, I do play the drums. I'm a drummer, so I just like, I just float free. Well, do you write songs, or do you?
Not really. I'm trying to get into it. But I can't even imagine putting those words on the page, you know, and that kind of stuff out there. That's like really intense, so. Yeah.
Thank you for doing the heavy lifting. I'm just here, physically. You have to bring all your crap. That's the heavy lifting. I do a different heavy lifting.
You come in with one microphone. Click, I'm ready. I bring my microphone. Yeah, you already did all the hard work before the tour.
Yeah, I think. Oh, that's interesting. I, like, Christine, who I've brought up a million times. We get it, you're whipped. Is also a musician and a songwriter. We talk about this all the time, because we talk about, like, our days are literally like this, emotionally. It's like, it's good, it's bad, it's good, it's bad. And it's like, this is the life we've chosen. And some days, it's really hard to accept that. And we complain a lot about everything we have to put up with. But when we're really, like, our best selves, we recognize that it's a privilege to be able to process emotions as your job. And it is hard sometimes. But I think it generally leads to a more full, fulfilling, and interesting life. Yeah, that's really beautiful. But sometimes, I'm just like, I hate this job, and I want to quit. Yeah, yeah. This is all part of our community. Yeah, it's exhausting.
Crafty was one bag of Cheetos, and spent its 12-hour drive.
Yeah, how do you guys feel with, like, I guess this is just the two lyric writers. But did therapy help you with that? Did writing in a journal help you with that? Poetry?
This is so embarrassing to say. But you might say it is my therapy. No, totally, totally. I don't go to therapy. I probably should.
But definitely, playing music really brings me a lot of peace in that way. Yeah, it feels very cathartic, I would imagine, to be able to write something and then perform it. It's so, like, emotive.
Right. Great, well, we have, let's see, we probably have time for one more question. So let's see.
Do you ever perform in places or countries that are homophobic? Do you think it's important? Yeah, I don't know if necessarily homophobic. I can't speak for an entire country, I guess. But I definitely hate playing in Italy with my band, La Luz, which is four girls.
And there's definitely a shift in the way that the audience feels, and especially the men watching. And we've had really just kind of abrasive dudes that are not stoked to see us up there and are clearly pissed. And it's terrifying.
And that's not even having to do with anyone being queer. It's just being a woman, performing. If they only knew, half of you are also queer.
Well, suck a dick, man. I'll suck a dick.
Terrifying. But I can't speak for all of Italy. I'm sure there's wonderful shows out there. But we've just had so many bad ones that, and for other various reasons, it's rough in Italy. But I don't really want to perform there anymore. But yeah, I don't know about you guys.
But the food. Yeah, the food's all right. But the spaghetti.
I'm so sorry, everyone was listening. It's worth all of it, the misogyny, the fear. I mean, I've spent a lot of time in the past couple of years as not performing my own music, but touring with a band that's all guys, except for me. And I mean, that's fucked up everywhere. It's such a lot to witness the wildly different experience that they're having. From what I'm having, there's basically just always a moment of complete blatant disrespect.
And I respond to it. Oh my god. And so it's always a thing of who's that little fucking kind in the band. No way. And then in Europe, it's so much more intense. Yeah, totally. Yeah. That's crazy.
I had, who was it? One of our friends, she said someone was asking. I know nothing about music, so I'm going to fucking butcher this story. We'll help you through it. But you just asked her.
It was like a sound guy or something. Yeah. Like a jerk at a music festival. It was just like, you have this turned on. And she was just like, yeah, fuck. Yeah, like obviously. This is the most obvious question. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah, I mean, that kind of stuff happens all the time.
I've witnessed sound dudes tell my bandmates how to wrap up their cables, as if we haven't been doing this for like 200 days out of the year or something crazy. It's just like absurd things where they just feel like they need to tell us what to do. And it was crazy because I was in a band before that with two guys and two girls. And it was like night and day. They would just make a beeline to them, ask them all the technical questions, ask them what I as a drummer needed, but not ask me.
And it was just super weird. Just so really weird.
But it has nothing to do with gayness or queerness.
But if they knew. Maybe they'd be like, all right, you're on my level. No. Yeah, I know that like nightmarish handshake that you get from cis men when you're like, I'm gay. And they're like, so you objectify women? Yeah, totally. And it gets weird as well. They're like, what about that hot girl?
He's like, no, I don't want to go down that path with you. Just leave me alone, man.
Have you ever played in a country that was homophobic politically or where gayness was illegal? Not illegal. Yeah, not that I know of. I haven't. No?
I've mainly done just like Western European places. So I feel like they're usually chill.
Right? They're all like, where is it? Where is it illegal?
On my tour of Russia. Yeah, my long Russian tour.
North Korea. That was so crazy that you got to play in North Korea. Can you imagine?
You wouldn't be here with us right now. You wouldn't come back. You would not even be here with us.
You'd be in a coma. That's too dark. Yeah, you'd be in a coma. Yeah, fuck.
Well, I mean, even like honestly the South, where it's just a little bit less accepted. Have you guys played shows there? I guess you're not very like. I feel like people exist everywhere who suck. Like in LA. Yeah, totally. There are a lot.
I just feel like it also depends on who you're touring with and what the fans are like. And I feel like I tend to tour with bands with really nice fans. And I also think I have really nice fans and really like accepting and open fans. And like I don't think I'm big enough for people who are not fans of my music to care enough to like come to the show just to be an asshole.
You know what I mean? So I feel like people aren't out there being like, oh my god, Mia Fowlick's coming to town. That fucking lesbian. Let's go, boy. Yeah, yeah. Nobody cares.
Yeah, so it's just like nice people, fans, and it's cool. And we have interesting encounters with people when we're just like driving through, going to a diner, whatever. But honestly, people are like nice. And it may have to do with the fact that I tour with three straight white men, which is an interesting dynamic. And then there's me. But I mean, I think any guy who lives in LA looks gay to a lot of people who are in LA.
That's probably true. What do you think? I think about that scene. But yeah, I remember we were in a diner in the south. And this couple came up to us and just said, what are you guys? Just like, what are you?
We're like, oh, we're a band. And they're like, OK, be careful. And we're like, OK. That's terrifying, actually.
They were probably aliens. That couple was probably two aliens.
But we haven't really had any. I personally haven't really had any experiences with anybody in the context of music being bigoted or rude to me. I have outside of the context of music. But I don't know. We've had fans do weird things.
But again, not because I'm queer. It's just because I'm me. Just because I'm little and easy to catch.
What happened? Oh, I had a dude at a show kiss me, a drunk guy just came up. Like on stage? No, we were watching other bands. We had just played. We were about to play.
That's so romantic of him. He was so wasted. It was terrifying.
It's like that show You. What's that crazy stalker show that's really popular on Netflix?
No idea where it's at with my buddy. It doesn't exist. No, it does exist.
It's somehow really popular. It's just about a man stalking a woman. It was like a brand new show. It's popular?
Anyway, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you so much to my guests. It really is. Yeah, wait, did you have partying things? No, it's cool. Well, we are going to go one more time down the line. Thank you so much for being on.
If there's anything you would like to plug, where can people find you should you wish to be found? What's coming up for you, Mia? My name is Mia Folek. You can find me on the internet under that name everywhere.
I have a music video coming out soon for my last single, song, whatever you want to call it, Malibu Barbie. I don't know when. Very cool. I just want to plug the show You on Netflix. Oh, I forgot Lauren starred in You on Netflix. No, my name's Lauren Early. I just put out my first ever EP.
It's really good. The internet's easy. You can find it.
It's called Patience, but I chose that before both Tame Impala and I don't want to call it that. A lot of people name their albums Patience. Actually, well, like a month before it came out, I was driving down Sunset Boulevard, and there was just like the biggest billboard in Los Angeles was just like Patience, Tame Impala.
No. Well, you just tapped into the zeitgeist. Yeah, that's a powerful thing. Yeah. That's true.
You tapped in. And you can also tap into the zeitgeist.
That's Lauren Early, Patience EP. Thank you. Cool.
And you can find me touring. I'm going to go with Sasami in July through August. My name is Marianne. Please only stalk me if you're a lady.
Thank you so much. Thank you, everyone, for listening. Thank you for your questions.
Please continue to submit questions, and let me know what you think. I really like a DM. I'm being sincere. Please reach out. I love to talk to people who listen to this podcast, especially if you are yourself closeted. Drop me one. OK. I love you, too.
Bye.
Hey, what's up? It's Ally.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleaming. Sign up for your free trial today, and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_24_01_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 G'day my name's Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to the Weekly Petuta News Bulletin coming to you live from Koala Mattress Studios in the Old City District. Joining me to wrap up the biggest stories from around the town and the country is Wendell Hussey. Hello Bruce and hello to you listeners. Let's kick things off shall we? In national news our country's greatest natural asset has taken to social media to show off its quirky side this week. Yeah that's right.
In news from the coast the Great Barrier Reef has joined in on the 10 year challenge on social media that has taken over numerous platforms recently by posting a humorous transformation shot of itself. Following the lead of celebrities across the globe and people you aren't really friends with on your social media feed, The Natural Wonder posted a hashtag 10 year challenge photo on Facebook and Instagram of itself from 2009 alongside a picture of itself from this year. In the picture from 2009 the reef is visibly vibrant and colourful in stark comparison to its more recent photograph where it's significantly bleached and damaged as a result of the effects of prolonged mining in the state and country and climate change. However rather than shying away from its diminished natural state the reef attached a cheeky caption on the photo saying hahaha OMG I used to be so tanned back then seemingly making light of the bleaching that has occurred over recent years. Although the post received thousands of sad reacts The Natural Wonder said it was glad it dusted off its social media channels that had been lying dormant since Jonathan Thurston retired. Ah great to see the reef can poke a bit of fun at itself eh?
Certainly is Bruce. Elsewhere around the country this week in Healthy Harold has sensationally weighed into the pill testing debate. The children's healthy living advocate has announced that he's prepared to test illicit drugs on himself instead of letting the kids of Australia that he loves and adores test them on themselves. The polite giraffe who reaches hundreds of thousands of Australian children by visiting schools and giving lectures about the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse and unhealthy eating said that he just wants everyone to be happy. Harold who was nearly defunded by the Federal Education Minister Simon Birmingham explained that he's happy to put the pills where his mouth is.
The giraffe said to us I have agreed to do this because I love all of you. Except for you Simon Birmingham. Fuck you Simon. Cut my funding again and I will flip the fuck out. Anyway guys, I wish you all a safe and happy new year. Come and see me at the Healthy Harold tent at your next festival.
And still on national news now Bruce, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has called for a Mount Rushmore style tribute to Captain Cook on Uluru this week. The Daggie Dad from the Shire made the announcement today claiming that we need to spend millions of taxpayer dollars paying tribute to the first non-Dutch white man to discover Australia. To celebrate the 250th anniversary of Captain James Cook's travels to Australia and the Pacific Morrison will be calling in mine blast technicians from Mount Isa to try and change the face of the rock. Arts Minister Mitch Fifield said to us that the Mount Rushmore style tribute to Captain Cook on Uluru is a great way of spending money before their government inevitably loses to the next election.
He said to us, Who cares? Arts are boring anyway. I wanted to be fucking Minister for Police or Defence or something cool with guns. At least I get to see fireworks, dynamite and shit like that on this job I suppose.
Backhoe member Tudor now and a local man with noticeably poor personal hygiene has vowed to boycott the large multinational company Gillette this week. The local logistics manager for Xerox named Kip Indoors has vowed to never again buy any of Gillette's shaving razors pledging to continue to grow out his wispy neckbeard. This follows a new short film ad by razor company Gillette which has called for men to be the best they can be, sparking a significant backlash by men that already think they are the best they can be and in fact better than any other gender. Kip says he's sick of big virtue signalling left wing companies adhering to the radical feminist theories that men are somehow responsible for the alarming amount of assaults, rapes and murders perpetrated by men against women right around the world. He said to us, Toxic masculinity is a myth.
When I got bullied at high school I didn't blame the men doing it, I blamed my mum for kissing me on the cheek at school pick up. And on the sporting front Bruce an NRL player has made headlines for all the right reasons this week. The professional rugby league player shocked people around the country after managing to go out for a couple of quiet beers and get home safe. Sports commentators say they are blown away by revelations coming out of Wollongong this week after it was reported that NRL prodigy Brody Bevan was able to call it a night after three full strength schooners. However while the behaviour has drawn the praise of many, some older heads in the rugby league fraternity have questioned how accurate these reports are. Rugby league columnist Buzz Rothfield says he's not so sure. I don't know if I believe these reports.
You're telling me he didn't even start some shit with the security guards in the pokey room. No bubblers, nothing like that.
What a load of shit. Geez that is a pretty miraculous story, let's hope it is in fact true. Anyway that's it for the News Wrap this week, thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
cracked | 12_17_07_news_on_cracked_more_steroids_bikinis_and_more | It's Monday, December 17th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and you're not Chevy Chase. Fallout continues from Senator George Mitchell's report on steroid use in Major League Baseball. 42 players were certified as steroid users, much to the shock of the rest of the players in the MLB, all of whom are steroid users who haven't been caught yet.
A Christmas card mailed to a Kansas woman in 1914 finally reached its destination 93 years later. What's even more amazing is that whoever sent the card had uncanny foresight, writing, quote, Merry Christmas, you're really fucking old.
P.S. I'm dead. Ask.com, that search engine you never ever use, has added a privacy switch to its site that allows users to instantly clear their search history. Relating great initial success, the company has announced plans to add a second switch that just takes users directly to the child pornography. A television news anchor who made headlines for sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married man at the NFL network was arrested Sunday after she punched a police officer in the face. Authorities said the female anchor in question is also known for being the awesomest female anchor on the planet. Except for me. That's it for today's edition of News on Cracked. Check back Tuesday when we'll be teaching you how to juggle. |
TheOnion | Suspicious_Hat_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Okay, now Hiram, you dredged this item out of the lake, yes? Yep, dredged it out just this morning. That's fine. Now, I've had a chance to look at this and what you have here is a hat box. Hat box, okay. The slime patterns along here suggest that this has been at the bottom of the lake for some time, but there's a lot of muck scratched away around the clasp here. It suggests that the box was opened recently.
Really? Now, Hiram, did you happen to open the box before you brought it in? Nope. Because it's not a problem. I mean, it's only natural to open a box like this if you find it. I just need to know because it will impact my appraisal. Nope, I didn't. Definitely. So you didn't scratch off the mud around the clasp or take anything out of the box? Sir, I would tell you if I did.
Keep in mind, if there were a hat in the box, it would make it a little more valuable. As it is, I would have praised the hat box at about 60 cents. 60 cents. Thank you. That's a nice hat you're wearing. This is my wife's hat.
Woo! Okay! Let's party! Yeah! Party time!
There's so much alcohol that barely left any room for the food. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_car_maintenance | This is the Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hey there, I'm John Gabers, here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man, because it's time to stop babying around. Today, we're talking about cars. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Hey, Gabers. What's up, Lexi? Hey.
You know what I hate? What do you hate?
I hate it when a guy doesn't know how to jump a car. Lucky for me, I know exactly how to jump a car. Just take the alligator clamp, press it to the energy spool.
You have no idea, do you? Nope, never learned.
I'm here with Ray and Irving from Works Engineering in Brooklyn, and they're going to be showing us things that every guy needs to know about cars. So, let me see here, it's at full, so you want that, right? So you just pour oil directly into where the dipstick goes? Ew, I'm going to get dirty. Being stranded on the side of the highway, and me not knowing how to help her at all. Luckily for me, Irving is going to teach me how to jump a car without getting absolutely fried.
The first step is you have to identify which one of the terminals on the battery is positive. Usually you could tell the positive is usually the bigger terminal. Gab, you put the red on the positive terminal, which is the bigger one. Black on the negative, you do the same to the other car, start the car that is working first, and then try to start the car with a dead battery.
I can't believe I didn't know that. Thanks again to Ray and thanks to Irving.
Just give me a call, I'll come down, I'll fix it up for you. As long as it's just low oil or a battery and that stuff. Well, I need my oil changed if you want to swing by next week. Alright, I'll give it a shot, no promises.
And as every guy should know, red clip goes on positive, black clip goes on negative. That's how you jump a car. Great, so how do you change a tire?
Ah, yeah. That's Ray. Where's Ray? Bye-bye. Bye. You've been watching the crew for me. |
TheOnion | New_Premium_Uber_Service_Lets_Users_Commandeer_Any_Car | It's the ride-sharing app everyone's talking about. Now Uber is rolling out a brand new, high-end option that lets users rest control of any car they like and drive it to their destination. The elite option is called UberSeas, and it locates nearby vehicles for riders to stop so they can throw out the current driver and claim the car for themselves. Uber hopes the new option will appeal to customers who don't mind a higher price point for the luxury of immediate service. It's the ultimate experience. Our mission at Uber is to let you take complete control of your transportation by any means necessary. And you can choose the car that you commandeer based on an array of information, including the model of the vehicle, how strong or weak the driver is. We make sure that every one of our drivers can be carjacked at any time without warning. That's what makes Uber unique. The new service has already been introduced in a handful of U.S. cities. They're just trying something new. I've been driving with Uber for a while now, and, um, they're always just- Uber?
Oh, what? No. I tried UberSeas for myself, and it was a great ride. The car pulled up, I strangled the driver with my bare hands on the spot, and now he's dead and the car is mine. Next up, could the future of television be a bunch of tiny TVs that you crush up into your drink? |
dropout | the_crucial_man_new_year_s_eve | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabris, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man. Today is a very special episode of Crucial Man, because I'm throwing a New Year's Eve party. We're going to take a trip down memory lane, revisit some old friends, some old skills, but some brand new Philips Norelco products. Oh man, the New Year's Eve party is about to start. I can't wait to show all the guests what I learned.
Yeah, I mean, you learned how to appreciate art. Art is about intention, and one of the things you want to avoid saying is, I could have done that, or anything like that, because when you look at contemporary art especially, if you didn't do it, then it doesn't really matter if you could do it.
I learned how to cut my own hair with the 180 degree hair clipper. Now you can rotate it if you need to get this whole back area. 180 degrees.
Ooh, I can hear it. That's like a full complete turnaround. I learned that from skateboarding. I'm cool. All right, you learned how to give a massage. Find the middle of their eyebrows, just right there, yeah. And put a light pressure, don't circle or anything on it. And then trace it. It's weird rubbing Lexi's head and hearing John's deep voice saying it's real fun. I'm like, whoa.
You learned how to be a gentleman. No woman is immune to compliments. In fact, women have a voracious appetite for compliments. That is a fantastic point, Julia. Thank you very much. You all right there? Being a gentleman. Nothing says being a gentleman like the grooming kit.
We're going to throw on the nose and ear hair trimmer, which is this little cylindrical one. I've never treated my nose hairs before. It works wonders. Now my nose hair is gone.
It just tickles a lot and I feel like I want to sneeze. Give it a shot. Oh, thank you. It's all good? Give it a shot. It does tickle, right?
Well, Gabriel, you sure have changed. I've learned a lot of crucial information. Are you crying? The guests are here. |
TheOnion | Groupon_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Anyone who does not have a Groupon, if you do not have a Groupon, stand on this side. Hello, why don't you tell us where you got this?
Me and my son, we used a net and we caught this China bowl. Okay, it's a porcelain bowl, crate and barrel, circa 2000, and I'm afraid it's broken. The dried mud is holding it together here. I'm appraising this bowl at $1.30.
Still, it's fancy. Is it worth something because it's fancy, sir? Please, it is a very busy day.
Okay, well, judging by the muck alone, you dredged this from the swamp, didn't you? Yes. Yeah, there was a reason you did not see others dredging the swamp, you know?
Oh, Lord, it's a corpse. How did it get like that? Okay, there appears to be some kind of a gull with two heads. This is something called polycephaly. When did it die? I really don't know. Genetic mutation like this normally results in death. Freak stuff like this is worth something. It's just some people, yes, it is. $40 to the right person, though I do not know who and I hope never to meet him. Please, move along. It's not even wet.
I just pull things out of the swamp because I'm scared to go out on a leg. Of course, that makes me a freak with these guys. I guess that's what I've always been, a freak, a freak with the whole canyon.
What is the biggest rock? I'm not telling you anything that every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_best_of_t_t_and_mario_snl | Well, Happy Valentine's Day. I love you, baby. I love you too.
Mmm. I can't think of anything that would make this night more romantic. Well, I sure can. Are you looking for that perfect Cd to get your lady in the mood this Valentine's Day? Well, how about this? The greatest compilation of love songs ever on one compact disc. The best of Tt and Mario. music was made for loving, and nobody sang about loving better than Tt and Mario. you'll get songs like First Love.
First Love, First Kiss, First That, now this. first time I took off all your clothes, I saw your boobies, and they were excellent. I held your booty, and the booty was so tight, saying, i'm booty So right. Boy, doesn't that bring back memories? Not really. really? well, I know you're gonna know this one. Who didn't groove on this bad Mamajama in 1977? Roller Skate Love. you are so beautiful. and you are my knight in shining armor. Let me put it in a little bit. that takes me back to my eighth grade dance. songs called Roller Skate Love, they never even mentioned roller skating. Well, listen, here's one where they do mention roller skates. the 1970 classic, with you. I'm gonna put your hands in roller skates, flip you upside down. wheel you into the kitchen, and put whipped cream on your business. With you, I can be butt naked. with you, my arms are getting tighter.
If you tried to find all these songs separately, you'd have to buy over three albums. But you get all your Tt and Mario favorites on one Cd. songs like, let Me See Them, Booty So Tight, Masquerade Booty, Booty Fire. you are a lady, right? Atomic Booty and Big Nippled Woman. I've never heard of any of these songs. No, why don't you shut your mouth and listen to their 1974 hit, Hearts Will Survive, the love theme song from the movie Earthquake. Get freaky in the shower. do me a favor, drop the soap.
Ooh, so tight.
Oh, my God, it's an earthquake. are these even real musicians? don't spoil the mood. Tt and Mario are about to turn it up. turn it up, turn up the Johnny Carson. the children are asleep, let me hear you make some noise.
Oh, oh, oh, oh yeah, baby! get that booty, Let's love the booty! Give me clean up booty! Now let's go to bed. cuz my booty is so tired!
Now I don't want you to wait because this incredible offer is not available in stores. I want you to go ahead and call 1555-01199-ner-999. Okay, that's not even a real phone number.
I love you too, baby. What? we're actors! Give me a break! What are you doing? What? the best of T.t. in my room is not really available. |
cracked | the_one_where_michael_flynn_gets_fired_after_the_trump_3 | What an exciting game changer of an episode. We had our first departure from the administration. Just to recap, last season the Obama character imposed a bunch of sanctions on Russia during the Crimea subplot and then again at the end of the season when we found out that Russia was hacking the election. Now episode one of this season, we saw the Flynn character on the phone talking to Russia.
I didn't have Flynn in my pool. No one thought he had Flynn in his pool.
Seemed like anyone should be fired, but I really thought it was going to be like Little Finger in Game of Thrones where he's just this creepy guy who pops up every once in a while, does some weird nonsense and the whole time you're thinking, what's this guy up to? What's he doing? What's his endgame?
Banning his little finger.
I, for one, just really, really appreciated seeing a character have consequences for his actions. He really, really, really needed it. I mean, the show needed to do that. We needed to prove that, I mean, Walking Dead, you need to kill Dale or something like that. You need to prove that anyone can go.
Untouchable, right? Everyone was untouchable. They could do whatever they want and it seemed like there were no stakes in this show.
I like that on one hand because I want to see Sean, Spice Man, in my life forever, but on the other hand, you need to feel like their actions have consequences. Right. Something can happen. Although I didn't, it was very satisfying to see somebody pay for what they're doing. Sure. But it was frustrating when the reason wasn't quite right.
Like, Flynn committed treason. Yeah. Like, you committed treason.
But he didn't get fired because of that. He got fired because, like, the press, you know, or like, oh, he lied to the Vice President.
Oh. I mean, I think that's just the suspension of disbelief that you have to have for the show. And it makes the show better.
Like, in real life, of course, a Flynn person would go to jail for treason. But in the show, it's not exciting if Flynn's just in jail forever.
He's off screen. We don't see him. You want him roaming around a little bit.
You're out of trouble. Okay. Well, now Flynn's in jail. We'll never see him again. Okay. Well, now this person's in jail. Now everybody would eventually go to jail.
Right. And then we wouldn't have a show. Yeah. We'd still be out there like at like an X Factor. Yeah. Totally.
What we still don't know, because the only thing we as an audience knew was that Flynn was talking to Russia. We don't know who else has been doing that in this administration, what they've been talking about. All we know is that the Russia stuff is not going away.
Right. I mean, it's definitely not going away. It's still a big part of the show. And now it's just, I think that's the story we're going to get for the rest of the season. It's going to unfold. Who else was involved in this? Right.
Every once in a while, there's just like something very reminiscent of like the real world. We're like, like this reminds me a lot of like Nixon, like, what did you know and when did you know it? Like that, like that is echoing in the entire episode in this show is who knew what and when did they know it? And what did they tell? You know?
And that's the Flynn resignation thing to resign before he actually busted. Oh, you know what I would love to see because they're already doing like, okay, this episode is only about Flynn. And that's that's a new kind of episode that they're doing. I would love to see like a flashback episode.
Yeah. Like of like these people, maybe just Trump's all of Trump's time in Russia or something like that. That would be a great stuff from the dossier. Exactly. Like you see, you see, like, here's the dossier episode and you just go through all of that with HBO. So you can show some of that stuff. Yeah. All right.
We're just about out of time. So let's get into predictions for the most unpredictable show on television. Tom, what is going to happen next?
Okay. All right. Maybe maybe we're going to get one of these right this week. We've never been right. I'm thinking it's going to be like with Flynn cast out, it's going to be like a Walter Freight thing from Game of Thrones where Russia is going to swoop in and get them to like roll on his on his former friends like somebody's going to get smoked. All right. Yeah. Flynn's going to be the reason why that's what I'm saying that right now. All right. Katie, what do you have? Okay. Well, my prediction isn't quite as bold as yours, but here, here, here's what I got.
So we know that there were four people from the Trump campaign that had contacts with Russia.
Right. My prediction is that the other three are Paul Manafort, Avi, Carter Page, and Michael Cohen. Ooh. The lawyer. Yeah. That'll be fun. Yeah. He's the says who guy. Yeah. I'm talking about the polls and the news. Says who. Oh, God about that. Yeah. Right. He's in one scene last season. Right.
Cody, hit it. I don't know if it's not so much a prediction, but just something I really look forward to seeing.
They're telegraphing it a lot. They keep showing the locker up chants. They're like, lock her up, lock her up. And obviously, that came to play him in the ass. But I really want to see crowds of people chanting lock him up towards the end at Trump.
It seems like that's what they're leading towards. There's a nice symmetry to that. Yeah. That's how they close out. And they keep showing it. Why else are they going to do that?
Because then you don't really want the show to end with Trump in jail. No. You can't lock him up and he like f***s off to Russia or something.
My prediction. We know the Russia stuff's not going away. We know it's going to be a big deal. We know they're hacking. I think we're going to keep losing members of this administration to Russia-related treason activities.
Not incompetence. No, no, no, no. And then by the end, there's going to be one person left standing. And I don't know how it happens because I don't know how actual government works.
We're going to get President Putin. Season three. President Putin.
This is a bold take. I know. But I'm trying to think like, because I'm trying to think like the show now is my only thing. Because it's hard. How do I get crazy?
I didn't think Trump was going to be president.
They did that. All right. What's the second craziest thing they could do then? Right. I mean, it is not without possibility.
And I can't just keep treading water. You're going to have to keep moving forward and the show's not going to get canceled. No, no. Can't stop watching it. You just have to keep raising the bar.
All right. Thanks again for joining us.
Make sure you tweet at after the Trump with the hashtag after the Trump. And let us know who you think is going to be fired next from this administration.
I think it's probably going to be spice manning. My last week's take, he's going to be the cook. He's going to be the cook. He's going to the White House cook. He's going to be the last spicy. Just making a bunch of stuff out of gum.
Hey, thank you so much for watching our show where we talk about the terrible news as if it were a fun show that we all love. It's therapeutic for us and hopefully for you. Make sure to like and subscribe our channel and tune in for more of this later after the Trump. |
cracked | the_most_terrifying_sea_creature_cracked_fact_from_the_de_textbook | Hi, I'm Sorin Bui. You may not be able to tell because of the robes. I'm taking a little break from set here to tell you an interesting fact from our book.
You may not know this, but the chameleon can't actually match its environment. It cannot camouflage itself to the environment. Its camouflage, or what we think of as its camouflage, is actually just it changing mood, or depending on whether it's cold or hot out, whether it changes color or not. Now, there is an animal called the mimic octopus that can change its shape and its color to match almost any environment. It can change the texture of its skin, it can change the color, and it's this thing called active mimicry. And a lot of animals out there have a thing called passive mimicry, which allows them to camouflage the environment without their knowledge of it. But the mimic octopus will watch other fish and stingrays and snakes, and it will try and match their body movements. So when it pretends to be a lionfish, it knows how a lionfish swims. So it will not only try and match the way it looks, but also try and match the way that it moves.
That's horrifying. Now, that fact, and several of their mind-blowing facts, can be found in our book, The D-Textbook, by Cracked. My name is in here. I wrote a lot of this. I have to go back and be on set now. Thank you very much. I keep it with me at all times. The structure is up. |
CrackerMilk | our_first_vlog | You live out in these parts, do you? Yeah, I love getting in touch with my ice real slow. Save some for me.
The Australian wilderness is a beautifully unique landscape that truly has to be experienced to be believed. Which is why we drove four hours west to Girraween. That and Alliance's recent lawsuit we're trying to avoid. We'll take a look at this, a car careened into a median and took flight landing in the second story of an Orange County office building. It was time to adventure further than any man had before. We were going to climb the highest peak in the South Southern Hemisphere and we weren't going to do it alone.
We were joined by Dad. Yay! Dad's coming!
The trek to Pyramid Rock was steep and perilous. It wasn't long before I found myself in heavy danger.
Blood makes me... Oh my god, dude. Oh, are you okay, dude? Oh, it's just blood. It's the blood. Oh, it's the blood.
It's just too much. As we trekked higher up the granite belt, it began to feel like perhaps bringing our father wasn't the best idea. The bush is no place for fucking about.
I think Dad's hitting on my girlfriend. Hey, Dad. Are you hitting on my girlfriend? Sorry, she's hitting on me if you don't fucking...
It's okay. No, it's okay.
Look at his butt. You shit yourself. Stop. Did I actually shit myself?
You have to create a bridge with your body so we can cross. I don't think my body's going to reach that far, man. That's a long way. I don't think this is the way.
We just want to thank CarVertical for sponsoring this video. They're a fucking awesome website that lets you... They're a fucking awesome website that lets you look up the history of a car before you buy it. My dad used to tell me all the things I needed to know before I bought a car.
Yeah. And CarVertical can tell you all of those things. Check out how sexy this report is they can do. Wow. So sexy. Yeah. Click the link in... Click the link in the description and you can get 10% off for using CarVertical. Don't forget. What was it?
Hey, when I bought my van, I didn't use CarVertical. And it turned out that the person who sold me the van is now legitimately a convicted offender. CarVertical.
We finally began to scale the mountain. Exhausted and tired, we were shocked to find that they still made postal deliveries out this far.
Hey, wait! Hey, uh... Colin? Yeah?
Yeah, I got a package for you, man. A package? Yep, that's all yours to see, man.
Taking in the beautiful scenery, we noticed Dad had not ventured up the mountain with us. To ensure he was safe, I let out a traditional indigenous call. We reached the summit. And as we were atop the mountain, our intern wanted to show us his favorite pastime. Bouldering.
And as we returned back to camp, Elias insisted on creating the fire. Just a reminder, it'll be like intensely hot. The fire? Yeah, we gotta make sure that we don't touch it, man. Because that shit burnt me last time. And there you have it, guys. A fire.
Yeah, no, fuck you, man. Fuck you.
I know what you're thinking. Wow, Connor. How can you be so aggressive? Well, let me just show you two minutes earlier. Do you want to help me? How? Put some sticks in? No, no, no. What? I've had enough. Hurry up. I'm trying to do a bit here. Yeah, and I'm trying to...
Thank you, fuck. You need to get out of the shot, dude. Dude, you gotta get out of the fucking shot. After a beautiful night with friends around Elias' dumb fucking fire, it was time to cool off in the local lake.
But, as we went to enter, our intern spotted a red-belly black snake, highly venomous. To ensure we were safe, he gave an in-depth demonstration on snake-like behaviour. It turned out our intern was a dickhead, and one we would soon find extremely hard to get rid of.
This is my asshole when I haven't cleaned it. Get out of here. Shoot his dick from here. Get his dick from here.
It's actually really fucking inappropriate. Thousands die from sniping every year. Amongst all the chaos, we weren't sure if Elias was bitten by the snake due to his sudden muscle dysmorphia.
Just a bit of a snack. It's my snack bag, it's full of snacks. That's the noodles.
I got it, I got it, I got it. Tuck it in, tuck it in, tuck it in. I got it, shit.
Be careful, be careful. Amongst all the chaos was a beautiful experience I'm glad I got to share with the ones I love. Thanks for having us, Giraween. We'll be back.
Dad! Oh my god! Dad!
Hurry up, you pair of fuckwits. I know what you're thinking. Frog eggs. No. Fucking doll-blood your piss. That's what that is. What do you have to say for yourself? It is piss. Oh, that's my package. Fucking this cunt again. Again? Fragile delivery for Ellis. Oh, that must be my package. Fuck you! |
dropout | Gunnie_and_Barry_Need_a_Big_Win_Dimension_20_A_Starstruck_Odyssey | We're gonna cut from there to Barry and Gunny, all right. We move to the awning of the Emerald Comet, level seven of the veil of tears. Oh, baby, a house of fortune, where a man's luck can change.
Incredible. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. I hit it, yeah!
You see people smoking at slot machines, people playing sort of more of the fun arcade games. You see little parlors with like ski ball, pachinko parlors. You see there are some tables of people actually playing blackjack, sort of like dealer games. And off in the back, you see the beautifully ornate double doors leading to private games of poker, stud, hold'em, all sorts of the real high roller sweets, so to speak.
They gotta have chef's tools here. They gotta have chef's tools. What exactly are we defining as chef's tools? Like knives? Knife, you know, pot.
Oven. Full oven, oh, good for sure, for sure. Oh no, you have full ovens. The ship is- Poker chips. Oh, those would be good for an amuse-bouche.
Yeah, perfect, perfect. I feel like we find the chef's tools and then we can leave. Yeah, does that sound right? Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. That sounds right to me.
Cool, I'd like to look around for somebody who works here. Amazing, you see that there is a cocktail waiter who walks up.
Hey, can I? Here you go. Thank you. Here you go. Thank you so much.
Oh, that's delicious. It's like a beautiful, like an old fashioned or something, incredibly well made. It's got the little cherries in there. I love a little cherries. I don't hate that. Can I have another one of these with more little cherries? Yeah, absolutely.
What table are you playing at? Oh, we're not playing. We're just here for a quick, we need- If we had to play it- If you actually just, well, if you want to just take a seat at one of the blackjack tables, I can, yeah, I can have, I'll come back and- We'll have a seat at the blackjack table.
Okay, wait, before you go, we came here because we're looking for chef's tools, kitchen equipment. We have, is there a chef in the back? Yeah. Presumably they use tools. Yeah. Sorry. We didn't see like a bed bath nearby, so we figured we'd just set up the casino for some chef's tools. Chef's tools, we have for chef's tools. Yeah. Let me go ask, I'm actually gonna talk to our chef and just sort of see if there's, so you're, I'm sorry, and yeah, hey, ooh, there you go.
And you see he takes off. So you're both sitting at the blackjack table here. The dealer looks over at both of you, the sort of digital hologram card being slid, sort of like, it's almost like the cards are sliding on an air hockey table over the green felt. Yeah, very cool, very cool deck. The, and the dealer looks over at both of you and says, Annie up?
Oh, no, no, we're not playing. We're just kidding.
We're here for chef's tools. Free drinks and chef's tools. We're here for kitchen equipment.
Yeah. The dealer smiles and says, oh, you're just taking a drink? He says, of course. Says, on the house. And just takes two, two, like one credit chips and puts them in front of you.
I mean, we're here. Three. Yeah, I'm in. We've been on the same team. I'm on his team. Yeah, we're on the same team. Yeah. Amazing.
So are you gonna pool your credits and just have one play together? Go ahead, you take two credits. Go ahead and roll a d20 for me. Okay. That's a 15. You hit, you double up to four credits.
The ball is rolling up.
I mean, we shit, we got four. Let's do it again. Okay. So yeah, you have four credits riding on this thing right here. You play, I'll say you play another hand before the waiter comes back. Go ahead and roll again. Oh, that's just a two. Cool. You see, it's credits leave. Well, it was fun.
The team needs a huge win. And the ball's rolling up. The ball is rolling up.
We've been doing great. 500 credits, one hand. Barry, Barry. 500 credits, one hand.
Barry, Barry, we can't. Barry, Barry, come on, man. Come on, we can't be, we can't. We need a huge win.
It would be crazy, right? It would be insane. It would be awesome. It would just be perfect. We'll come back, it'll be just like hanging out with the Berries just celebrating. It's great.
We'll all go to the spa again. We'll get a spa, I'm the worst. We'll get a spa on the ship.
And more cherries. Here you go. More cherries, no matter what. Awesome.
Hey, this is just the one hand. I'm gonna need three more of these. One hand, one hand, one hand, one hand. One hand.
That's it. Then we're done. We're done, we'll never play again. That's it. That's all. One big win.
Yes. Sir? Yes?
Did you find out about those chef's tools? You see, give me a persuasion check. That's an 18. You see, I said, I spoke to our chef. We don't have a formal system for selling our kitchen's tools and implements.
So utensils. Okay. By the way, that is the word is utensils. Oh, utensils. Yes. Okay.
So we don't have, we don't have a, it's not that the chef is opposed to the idea. We just don't have a means or system of transacting.
And we understand that. Yeah, that makes sense. But what I can do is find out where we get them from. That would be perfect. Find out where we- Can you do that? Yeah, absolutely. And I can also find out if we have, because obviously the kitchen is using their utensils, but we might have a supply closet somewhere more. That's great.
So more drinks. So another round of old fashions. Another round of drinks.
And then- And some utensils. And some utensils if you have them. And if not, where we can get them.
Amazing. Absolutely. The other looks in and says- 500 all in. Let's go.
All right, this is absolutely- Balls rolling up. Balls rolling up. You got this. The ball is rolling flat. It's not even just rolling up.
We need a big win. We need one.
Honestly, ball's not rolling up anymore. It's flying straight up in the air. Ball is up. I might actually faint. Ball is up. My palms are sweaty.
Now, I need you to commit to how we're going to do this. Box of Doom. Well, there's 500 credits riding on the line.
We can either have a single straight roll, or we can have two rolls in a row. If it's a single roll, it's going to need to be higher. If it's two rolls, you will need to beat a number twice, but it will be a lower number that you have to beat. You can roll one die. In that case, you have to beat a 13 or higher. You have to roll 13 on the die to beat it. Easy. Or you have to beat an eight twice. Can I use my potent aptitude on this to count cards, or is it a flat roll? You may use potent aptitude to count cards.
Yes, baby. Theoretically, I have to give it to choose one creature other than myself. I can't use it on myself. Okay, so Barry can... Ah!
No, we're letting one roll? One roll. No! We need... One roll.
Oh my God. Gunniest boy.
We need a win. This cements that the ball is rolling up. This says that we're on the track of victory.
I'm going to pay off my debts. You're going to kill Barry Nye. Our life is going to be perfect. Everybody keep calm, and Barry on!
That is an eight. No! Even with the maximum roll on potent aptitude, you would be one away from the number needed. What's the maximum roll?
Oh my God! You have those utensils or... I'm going to need a deception roll from you because you counted cards, and I'm going to need you to disguise that from the dealer. Oh my God. Oh, that's an 18. Okay.
Isn't that guy back yet? Is that guy back?
Okay, more old-fashioneds. Here you go. Bling, boom. Great.
How do we feel? So I spoke to our supply manager. I spoke to our supply manager. Real question. We're going to cut it short.
Can I have it for free? If I can't have it for free, it doesn't really matter.
You know anyone who will buy a gun? Because there's going to be some people that are...
I put a gun on the table and he says, can we bet this? Can we bet this? Can we bet a gun? I have a light pistol, can I bet this?
The dealer looks at you and says, absolutely. You can, absolutely. Roll again.
How much does this gun worth? You put the gun, hold on one second. Will you trade this for chips? I want to trade the gun for chips.
I mean, they're going to be so pissed at us. You're so stupid, Gunny. We shouldn't have done this.
Is this a light pistol? You see that the look and the dealer says, I can provide a hundred credits for the pistol.
What about a...
Hey, we turn it around. This is where we turn around. This is where we flip around.
What about a heavy repeater? Oh no. Heavy repeater says, absolutely. We can, if you want to put a heavy repeater up, I can go ahead and give you 400 credits on that heavy repeater. That's 500 credits.
We, then we take that and we leave. No, no. We double down. I'm out. The ball is rolling up. We fucked up. No, no, no, no, no. Roll the gun, the heavy repeater and the light pistol move across the table. Let me have some.
We fucked up.
Double our money. We're going to walk back with double our money and kitchen utensils and our friends are never going to know. This episode is starting.
They already wouldn't know. I'm going to buy you repeater. They already wouldn't know.
Barry, I'm going to need that roll. No, I want to roll. Oh, you're going to roll? I'm going to roll.
Okay. Don't use that die. Yeah. This is watching. I got to beat a 13. 13 or higher single roll of the die. I love this.
Do we think that your luck is that much better than mine? That it's worth giving up the five? Oh, is it? Or the four?
That's a six.
Oh my god! You can't have defense.
I'm going to need. I need a ride home. This is why it's funny. I'm going to need. I'm going to need another deception roll from you.
Oh, is it? Oh, I don't think he didn't count cards at the time. Unless you let me. Well, it doesn't matter. Unless you, no, I don't, no, no, no. Gonna lose a cat of cards. He believed in the heart of it. Oh my god. If you want, you can count cards on this one and I will let you make a technology check to roll 2d4. Yes. Okay.
So first of all, give me a tech check. We're trying to beat a DC 20. That's a nat one. I'm going to need a deception. I'm going to need a deception check with disadvantage.
Is it? Is it okay if I lay down on the ground? Okay. You both want, you watch your heavy repeater and you watch your light pistol move across the bar. You watch them move across the bar. Okay.
I'm going to put up my Vibro dagger. No. I'm going to put up my Vibro dagger. And I'd like to also put up my tinkerers implements. I'm going to rip this book in half.
You have to, if we get the 500 back. Yes. Okay. We're going to get the 500 back. Exactly. The ball is rolling up. Never forget that. You hear, you feel a hand on your shoulder and you look up and you see that there are two sort of aviator wearing casino security saying, hi, sir, we'd like to, can we, it was all right if we have a word with you? Yeah, of course. What's up? Just come with us for a minute here. Yeah, of course. Hi, we noticed that you've, we're asking one of the members of the staff about kitchen utensils. Yes. Understood.
So we just wanted to talk because we take security at the casino very, very seriously. So what we're going to do is we're going to ask you to leave right now. What's up? You want me to go? We detected, we detected- I get all one word? You want me to go? Why?
So we detected movement in your cybernetic eye. Oh, okay. That was interacting with the hologram interface. We have a very complicated security system. It's on the fritz. It's just, it's, it's Mac, it's Acme Ashman. Give me an insight check. That's a net one. No, it's Acme Ashman. It's top of the line. You don't have to worry about anything.
There was not allowed on his own ever as an insight check. So Barry, you're seeing this conversation happen a little ways away. You give me a perception check. You really just have to let the whole scene wash over you.
I really, I really need an inhaler. I was ready to trade our guns and cut our losses. I got a fucking four. Amazing. Guys, I have brandy in the car.
They say, they say, okay, Acme Ashman, cybernetic eye. Can we, can we get a serial number on that? If that's okay? Yeah, I give it to him. Okay, give him the serial number. Okay, we're not seeing any report about a break or malfunction on this eye. Do you want to, do you want to register a report on that eye? I should, I should. I have a guy. I'll just take it to him. Well, we should. Well, okay. But it's, we need to ask if there's, if there is an issue with your cybernetic eye, we can issue a report on that right now.
If we don't, then we're going to have some- Run! Oh! |
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