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cracked | 5_dumb_movie_tropes_they_need_to_bring_back | Hollywood has absolutely no problem trying to replicate past successes, which is the reason Jim Belushi is in movies. Think about it. Every top-grossing movie the past few years has been a reboot or sequel. We keep remaking the Magnificent Seven, where two Poseidon Adventure remakes in one year within six months of each other. Point is, movie studios aren't gun-shy about identifying a moderate to huge success as a golden goose, and then beating that goose to death with rakes to see if its grave spasms will push out another egg they can sell.
So how come we don't see talking baby movies anymore? Back in the late 80s, we lost our f***ing minds over talking babies. Look who's talking, look who's talking too, and the TGIF sitcom Baby Talk, all coming out within two goddamn years of each other. Baby Talk had motherf***ing George Clooney in it, but not even the Cloonster could keep it on the air, and things went abruptly quiet on the talking baby front. Which is ironic, if you think about it. We got Baby Geniuses a decade later, and then the short-lived TV show Baby Bob a few years after that, but even the Look Who's Talking series abandoned Jack-Jawing infants for its final installment, Look Who's Talking Now, which is just about talking animals, like normal, barely literate children.
And we have been making talking animal movies ever since, Homeward Bound and Homeward Bound 2, both Babe movies, all the year buddies movies, particularly now. We're currently living in a renaissance of wisecracking animals, Downward Dog, Dog with a Blog, Nine Lives, but there are other, way better sub-genres of film that deserve a comeback, including my personal favorite, Nobody Believes Denzel.
We're looking for facts, not fantasy. So much of supposition. I'm gonna find out the truth, I guarantee you that.
Josie, you know I didn't do this. No, no, no, listen to me. I'm not crazy, Shaw.
Someone told that, Matthew. Think about it. Number 5.
Cop plus dog. Taking a hard-boiled and or fastidious cop and giving them a sloppy dickhead for a partner is proven to be one of Hollywood's favorite formulas. But when you dip into a well too often, it starts to lose some of its magic. And the end result feels uninspiring, like a dead cheetah on the interstate. That's why for a brief, glorious moment in 1989, Tinseltown decided to spice up the buddy cop genre by making one of the cops a dog. The first was Canine, starring aforementioned consolation prize Jim Belushi as a gruff police detective who has been targeted for execution by a vicious drug dealer.
He refuses to take a partner, so they assign him a rambunctious canine dog named Jerry Lee instead. And Jerry Lee is a carb. He doesn't follow any of Jim Belushi's instructions, which results in a fair amount of hijinks. But in all honesty suggests that he has no business being a police dog.
They eventually bond, kill an astonishing number of people, and go on to star in two direct-to-video sequels, Canine P.I. and the heroically titled Canine 11. Never forget.
Three months later, in that same golden year, Turner and Hooch was released, telling the story of insufferable neat freak Tom Hanks and his big bastard dog, Hooch. Hanks inherits Hooch after Hooch's owner gets annihilated by drug dealers. It was the 80s. All the bad guys were drug dealers. Hooch is a slobbering s*** balloon who destroys literally everything he touches, which doesn't sit too well with spotless detective Tom Hanks. But they put aside their differences to bring down the villainous drug-peddling Craig T. Nelson. Hooch takes a bullet for Agent Cody Hanks and dies, but it's okay because Hooch has tons of unprotected sex and sent a mini-Hooch screaming fatherlessly into the world before he passed. His movies were hits.
But we didn't get another cop dog flick until 1995's Top Dog, wherein Chuck Norris teams up with this f***ing monster to battle a bunch of neo-Nazi terrorists in what would be the last Chuck Norris movie to actually get a theatrical release. Also, it had more or less the same tagline as Canine. So let's make some more cop gets it dog movies. There's something undeniably appealing about taking the premise of a kid's movie and injecting it with white nationalist bombers, drug dealers, and murder. Just more adult animal movies, please.
Number four.
Muscle Man takes care of children. We've known as a culture that a man trying to care for children is intrinsically hilarious ever since 1983, when Mr. Mom came out. But then, Hollywood asked the brave question, what if a really strong man tried to take care of children and delivered the best possible answer in 1990 with Kindergarten Cop, a film about Arnold Schwarzenegger screaming at toddlers and shooting a man to death in an elementary school bathroom. It's great because he's so big and they're just little sacks of child bones. Hulk Hogan, inexplicably attempting to cash in on his 1980's fame in 1993, came out with Mr. Nan, wherein he plays an ex-wrestler turned bodyguard who gets hired to supervise the children of a wealthy inventor, and the children spend the entire movie trying to wackily murder him. That same year, we were also treated to cop and a half, a movie about a little boy who witnesses a murder and gets teamed up with grizzled, child-despising police detective Burt Reynolds to bring the killer to justice. Now, Burt Reynolds is technically not a muscle man, but his mustache and his general demeanor more than qualify him as a man who would be hilarious to burden with children. There seem to be peaks and valleys in the cycle of Muscle Man child century films because we didn't really get another one until 2005's The Pacifier, featuring Vin Diesel forcibly inserting himself into a child's mouth if the title is to be believed. The mid-2000's also brought us The Game Plan and The Tooth Fairy, both starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson as a big-time s***head who's forced to deal with children as punishment for his selfishly fabulous lifestyle.
So we're overdue for another burly babysitter movie. Maybe give a crate full of babies to Jason Statham and see what happens. I don't know, maybe he'll juggle him. Number 3.
Dinosaur Buddy Movies. We loved the tits out of dinosaurs in the 80's and 90's. In fact, we loved them so much that dinosaur movies had their own sub-genre, specifically about us getting to be friends with them. Or them being friends with each other, we were very concerned about dinosaur friendships in the 80's and 90's is what I'm saying. 1988 saw the release of two different pallet around with dinosaur shows, Dineriders and Denver the Last Dinosaur. Now the two shows went in wildly different directions. Denver was about a bunch of modern 1988 nerdlingers finding a dinosaur egg at the La Brea tar pitch that hatches into some animation executive's hideous approximation of a dinosaur that immediately speaks English, wears red heart sunglasses, and rides a skateboard. Dineriders is about enslaving dinosaurs using technology and or magic crystals to fight in a future war. But both are filling the very specific need people had in 1998 to be friends with dinosaurs. The lab before time came out that same year, which in addition to teaching a generation of children about impermanence and the inevitability of death, was about talking dinosaurs chumming it up at the KT extinction. In 1991 we got Adventures in Dinosaur City by a group of idiot children who watch a dinosaur TV show on their father's magic television and are teleported into the show, which is populated by talking dinosaurs who are all dressed like a back to school lab from Gulf War America. The kids team up with the dinosaurs to topple a bunch of ruthless cavemen, because indeed man is the cruelest beast of all. That same year, ABC released its Dinosaur Puppet sitcom, the succinctly titled Dinosaurs, which was basically the honeymooners if everyone was wearing monster suits and blinking unnaturally. And when Jurassic Park came out in 1993, Universal Studios and Steven Spielberg doubled down on their dinosaur cauldron of child money and released We're Back, an animated movie about a team of dinosaurs who get kidnapped by a time-traveling scientist, infected with the ability to speak, and thrown into the 20th century to spend the rest of their lives imprisoned in a museum to delight the world's children. That same year we got Pre-Esteria, which is about the kid from Last Action Hero finding a bunch of hamster-sized dinosaurs that are probably gonna get eaten by a cat within two weeks, but whatever, I guess make two sequels. Then in 1995 the universe delivered Theodore Rex, a dinosaur buddy cop movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and a team of impoverished puppeteers. Then Jurassic Park 3 happened and we didn't have another major dinosaur movie for 14 years until Jurassic World, which is both a dinosaur murder movie and a dinosaur buddy movie! Let's hope there's not another generation-long drought, I mean I'm 33 years old and I would drown someone in a urinal to be friends with a dinosaur.
Literally anyone, just give me a name.
Number two, baby escape films. For a brief moment in the early 90s, America fell in love with the idea of reckless parents ignoring their infant children so powerfully that their neglect facilitates an entire zany adventure. Obviously Home Alone and Home Alone 2 technically fall into this category, although Macaulay Culkin was not a baby at the time he was left alone to defend himself against a violent home invasion, or abandoned in New York to get chased into a tenement by two career felons who want to murder him. The Rugrats franchise, unleashed on the world in 1991, is all about the secret world of talking babies and their whimsical mischief, which includes stealing a younger infant to take him back to the hospital where he was born and getting shipwrecked on an island with Tim Curry.
1992's Honey I Blew Up the Kid has bumbling scientist Rick Moranis accidentally shoot his toddler with a laser that mutates him into a 100 foot tall rampaging infant that briefly terrorizes Las Vegas. It is not, as the title implies, a film about detonating children. The military is called in to neutralize a giant baby, possibly because a 20 foot diaper smells like a mass grave and they don't want to risk spilling its contents all over the strip, but the baby's mom shoots herself with a grow beam and captures him long enough to return him to normal size, forever robbing us of a movie in which an infant is shot by a helicopter. It's important to note that Honey I Blew Up the Kid is a sequel to Honey I Shrunk the Kids, which is another film about Rick Moranis shooting his entire family with a laser. Bebe's Kids, a story of three neglected children and the man who heroically abandons them an amusement park to try and f*** their babysitter, came out the same month as Honey I Blew Up the Kid. Technically speaking, only one of Bebe's Kids is a baby, but he speaks with Tonlok's voice and helps the kids steal a pirate ship and defeat Robot Nixon with the power of rap.
So it counts.
Two years later saw the release of Baby's Day Out, a movie about a very wealthy baby who gets kidnapped by three charmingly inept character actors and then immediately escapes their custody to go on a sightseeing adventure through New York City. There have been a few scattered others, Nobody's Babies, Super Babies, The Secret of Roninish, but we haven't had a bubble of baby escape movies like we did in the first four years of the 90s. And I, for one, could stand to be reminded of how delightful child endangerment can be.
And I want that to come back.
And I'm not talking about direct-to-DVD movies or movies that incidentally take place around a holiday. I'm talking about bonafide theatrical releases wherein people are getting murdered in the spirit of the season. Valentine's Day. You got Valentine, My Bloody Valentine, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Hospital Massacre, which doesn't sound like it's about Valentine's Day, but it totally is.
But one of those is a remake, and two of them came out in the 70s. We need more than one of these every other decade.
Halloween. That's an easy one, right? But no, it isn't. Outside of the Halloween series, there's Trick or Treat and Night of the Demons. And that's pretty much it.
St. Patrick's Day. The Leprechaun series basically owns this territory. There's not really much you can do with St. Patrick's Day.
You're basically just working with haunted little people. Easter. Not a single major theatrical horror movie about Easter has ever been produced. How hard is it to kill someone with a chocolate egg? No, seriously, I'm really asking. Thanksgiving. How is there only one killer turkey movie and zero ghost pilgrim flicks?
Arbor Day. Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur Ripper. Um, Earth Day. Administrative Professionals Day. Easter.
Really, just throw a vengeful zombie Jesus up there. I pay to see that.
The point is, there's no reason Christmas should be the only time of year that serial murderers and supernatural spree killers adopt as a theme. There are a lot of days in the calendar, friend. You can punch people's heads off on any holiday you choose. Oh, Boxing Day.
Hey, thanks for watching video. Please go down, like, and subscribe. And let us know in the comments what other subgenres you'd like to see come back.
There's, uh, Ernest movies. That'd be a great one to have come back, right? How come we haven't seen an Ernest movie in a while? Ernest. |
cracked | apollo_12_astronauts_had_porn_hidden_in_their_spacesuits | Apollo 12 astronauts had porn hidden in their spacesuits. For the second ever moon landing mission in 1969, NASA prepared small spiral-bound suit cuff checklists of fun things to do on the lunar surface for astronauts Pete Conrad and Alan Bean. But before blasting off, backup crew member Dave Scott took nude photos from Playboy, copied them onto special laminated fireproof paper, and snuck them into the checklists to help the astronauts make the most of their wrists. As preserved by NASA, the notebooks guided the astronauts through a solar wind spectrometer experiment, documented sampling procedures, and asked whether they've seen any interesting hills and valleys. Upon discovering their space smut, Conrad and Bean giggled like schoolboys so much that they were thought to be drunk, though they carefully avoided mentioning Miss September 1967 to mission control out of respect for the American taxpayer. The story is said to have pretty much remained a secret until Playboy itself marked its anniversary in December of 1994. And while there's no word today on whether Pornhub's blocked aboard the International Space Station, it certainly helps explain the designs of those billionaire spacecraft. But before blasting off, backup crew member Dave Scott took nude photos from Playboy, copied them onto special laminated fireproof paper, and snuck them into the checklists to help the astronauts make the most of their wrists. As preserved by NASA, the notebooks guided the astronauts through a solar wind spectrometer experiment, documented sampling procedures, and asked whether they've seen any interesting hills and valleys. Upon discovering their space smut, Conrad and Bean giggled like schoolboys so much that they were thought to be drunk, though they carefully avoided mentioning Miss September 1967 to mission control out of respect for the American taxpayer. The story is said to have pretty much remained a secret until Playboy itself marked its anniversary in December of 1994. And while there's no word today on whether Pornhub's blocked aboard the International Space Station, it certainly helps explain the designs of those billionaire spacecraft. |
cracked | should_you_rent_house_party_2_over_coming_to_america_staff_picks | Welcome to StaffPix, the show where we hunt down VHSs, DVDs, and Blu-rays, trying to fill the shelf space of our video rental store evenly between the big four movie genres. Each episode will focus on a specific genre, and a lot of us will have to unanimously decide one movie to be added to the StaffPix video store collection. Welcome back to StaffPix. We are once again at station one where we are going to be getting ready because we're building our own video store. And so we've got to have stuff to put in it, right? Today, we are picking movies for our comedy shows.
Patrick. Hey, how's it going? How are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good. Not optimistic that my pick is going to be the one, but we'll see. We've also got Chinesha. Hello. How are you feeling about your picks? I'm just completely nailing this so far, so I'm really confident now.
Because today's the drama episode, and discussing a drama movie is weird, because I'm just like, what is the drama genre? Uh, Ghostbusters One, which has dramatic elements.
Dancer in the dark, Chinesha.
I am stupid psyched to see what you think. I am really ridiculous. I love that I sleep this precedent, and now I think it's even more pressure.
Yes. Chaos Reigns.
And also, hello, Jonah. Hello.
How are you feeling about your pick? I feel really good about it. It's literally my favorite movie. I don't know if it'll pass the squarum that we have, but I still feel good that I'll get to talk about it.
And that's all that really matters. It's not about the end results. It's about the journey. The friends we made along the way.
Aw. I came to win. Mine is also going to be one where it's one of my favorite movies, and I'm just happy that we get to talk about it. Alrighty. Let's get started. Okey-dokey. So, I'm here with my comedy pick.
This is a favorite film of mine. It is one of my top 10 favorite films of all time. It's also one of those films that, as a black person, if you haven't seen it, you need to get out. It is an incredible contribution to comedy, and I don't think that the genre would stand without it.
Oh.
Instant classic, Coming to America, which I could recite line by line, and I won't because you would hate that. Coming to America.
Yes. Snaps.
I'm concerned about this choice. Oh, I've got other choices in here that are concerning.
That is one of the funniest movies. Absolutely. Of literally all time. Every single part of that movie holds up, which is wild because when you look at it from an analytical place, which I don't recommend you do unless someone's paying you, you wind up noticing that it almost seems like it's just a series of really funny scenes and vignettes of things happening in and around New York. Exactly what it is. It kind of is a sketch movie in that way. Yes. Which is like, and those are usually the kind of best sketch movies where they kind of have like this through line that kind of doesn't matter, but it's like there's just a bunch of ways to get into these comedy scenes.
The premise is basically just a setup for most of the characters to do their work, and it's especially funny because Eddie and Arsenio play 60% of the characters on screen anyway, so it's just something to play. I know we just keep talking about like, oh, introducing these two like Zoomers, and like younger people, people forget that Arsenio was in movies because just like the talk show became so much of his legacy. And he's really good in this movie. Going like toe to toe with Eddie Murphy sounds terrifying.
Every scene is quotable. There is a takeaway quote that you can like pull out and reference in any conversation at any point. Every single one. And another great thing about this, we're talking so much about the idea of movies that you can show to anyone that can be universal.
So on my mother's side, we are German, white German, not the black kind. So my Omos family would come to visit us back when we lived in Hawaii. And one of the things that happened once was my Omos was trying to explain this movie. My Omos loves coming to America more than anything in the world.
And so all I hear is, this is going to sound offensive, but I am German. The royal penis is going to leave your highness and German cackling for 30 minutes.
This movie transcends all. It transcends everything, the humor in this, like anybody is able to get it. And also, it's not an insult for any movie to not be as good as coming to America because coming to America is what that is. Way too high. It's better than most movies. That's a high bar.
Mm hmm. Good morning, my name. Yes. fuck you too. Perfect. It is a perfect pic. Yeah.
No, I'm going to ruin things now. It stands on its own. Wow.
fuck you. And fuck you.
Who's next? All right. Oh, God. Following that. Let's see. I've offered other things in other episodes that were questionable. Okay. Who's ready for the pretentious white person pic?
Oh! I am!
Shh! Quiet! Did the white man just shh me?
What? And both of us?
It was the character. I was playing a character. That was the intuitive thing for you. That was my go-to.
You got to know your pocket when it comes to coddling. Listen. Right in your lane. Very good. Thank you so much.
I probably should have just picked a great comedy that we all love. I decided to get kind of conceptual with it and pick a comedy movie that's about comedy movies. I want a variety here. I want movies from a range of eras and I think we're going to go really old school.
We're going, yeah, we're going to go with Sullivan's Travels. The Preston Surges classic Sullivan's Travels.
Wow. You weren't kidding me. Alright.
This is your VHS only, like, constriction, right? VHS only. I mean, they still had a lot of, like, better known, more recent comedies on VHS.
Okay, I will say, as much as there's a big part of me that wants to pick Austin Powers, I really do. I'm very tempted.
This is a great movie. You have seen it. Yes.
I was going to say, has anyone seen Sullivan's Travels? I would have not, or I don't think I have. And I also, if I were flipping channels and I watched this first and then I was looking for a second thing to watch, I'd watch that first and then I'd go here. Brief pitch for Sullivan's Travels.
It is a comedy. It's a movie about a comedy movie director who feels like comedy movies are, like, he's wasting his time making these, like, silly, goofy movies. And he, like, is like, oh, you know, there's all these serious directors making, you know, movies about, like, real, like, the struggles of the working man and stuff like that. He decides to go on this journey, like, across America to, like, discover, like, serious dramatic stories about, like, real life people. And basically, spoilers, learns in the end that there is a great value in making goofy comedies that, like, people really like watching those and he should probably just stay making those kinds of movies. So, this is kind of a movie about why movies like coming to America are great.
It's a compendium. You have to have them together in order for them to work. Right. I'm not saying this is going to get picked. I'm just saying, I think, I like having a bit of variety. So anyway, that's my opinion. Can I see this? Yes. I feel like I've seen, I've just seen Joe LaCray and other things.
You've got Veronica Lake. I love Veronica Lake.
She has blonde hair? As far as you can tell. It's black and white. She has shiny white hair.
Yes, yeah. It's really, I mean, Preston Serges was, like, the king of the screwball comedy. And so you got all the, like, you know, the wacky overlapping dialogue and stuff like that. This is very of its time. Joel McRae and Sol True, Veronica Lake, star in the starkly realistic yet highly humorous satire from Oscar-winning writer-director Preston Serges. You can hear Robert Osborne saying that on TCM.
Well, whatever it is, there's absolutely nothing they can do. Remember that. What did you say? I said, there's absolutely nothing they can do. Moving on, Jonah.
Well, what's so funny about your pick, it's, mine is also black and white. Mine is also about making movies. It is my favorite movie because it is about... Wait, your favorite movie. This is my favorite movie.
Number one with the bullet. Okay. This is my favorite movie. It's the movie by Tim Burton called Ed Wood. Yeah. But a good choice.
Right when I was starting to get into, like, weird old sci-fi movies and watching, you know, episodes of Mr. Science Theater and getting into, like, all kinds of movies and just the idea that just a little bit of myself going, like, maybe I want to make these things. Maybe I want to make stuff with my life. This movie comes out and it's about people making stuff, like, with their friends at all costs. So it's like, it's a movie, sure, about this guy that made bad movies, even though that could be a contestant because people are still talking about, you know, Plan 9 from Outer Space and Glenn or Glenda, but it's just like he's, you know, just doing these things with his friends. I think it's a movie about friendship between him and Bela Lugosi.
True, like...
And Martin Landau. Martin Landau, of course.
As Bela Lugosi. As Bela Lugosi, exactly.
Yeah. It's... Okay. I was going to say...
Are you going to say it's outrageously entertaining and that death is terrific? And the New York Post said, oh, it has two big thumbs up. Two big thumbs up.
This is big, so... Yeah. It's like foam finger. Not enthusiastic. Yeah, it's not enthusiastic. But I will say, this being your favorite movie makes so much sense. It's like, like, if I had had to guess looking at your body of work, I'd be like, yeah, probably Ed Wood. It's... Yeah. I just... It makes me feel good. Like, it was...
It's also one of those things where it's like, it came out when I was 12 years old and I think for a lot of people 12 is that age where, like, you find stuff and you kind of like... That's your personification of yourself. The things you like at 12 is like, because you're your own person and then, like, you start to find stuff on your own and then you kind of make it part of your personality. I've heard this before that, like, no movies will ever affect you like the movies you saw when you were 12.
Yeah. It's like, you're just getting old enough where you can kind of think a little bit more critically. Your mind is ready to be shaped by what you see. The nostalgia factor. Yeah. Well, damn, I guess it's just all Friday, all the time up here then.
Really?
Where's film you ever saw? Well, my next one will be better. Hello? This is going to be my one where I'm a little, uh, this is literally just because it's one of my favorite movies ever. And the only time I ever really see it is when it is cut the f**k up on BET or on Comedy Central. I know every single part of this, it made me learn a dance and I am going with... Ooh, you know what?
Definitely want to talk about some house party for sure. House party jam. Yeah. House party two.
The pajama jam. A little pajama jammy jam ends at our comedy. That's what's wild. It's like in the trailers. It's like pajama jammy jam. And then it just says the pajama jam. That was weird, right? The jammy jam is the one that you want though. That's true. You want the jammy jam. I like pajama jam.
This is a great movie. I have not seen it. I'm so sorry. Have you seen the first one? I have not seen the house party movies.
That's fair. I don't think I've seen any of the contributions you made so far. That's fair. Yeah.
Well, house party, it's really fun because... It's a film by Doug and George. That is true. It's got a young Martin. It's got Queen Latifah.
Mostly I just really like this one because the year that I saw it, I was young and it was about the college experience. And back then it felt like half of black media was about the college experience.
So you know, it was funny. It hit all the four quadrants. It's eminently quotable.
I picked it because, again, I rarely see it streaming anywhere. I very rarely ever see it when it's not just being played on TV at like 3 in the morning. And even then I rarely see it replayed these days.
Do you think it's better than house party one? I do. I do think this is the better one.
The other one had Robin. Robin was very funny.
The boys got much better at acting. Even full force got much better at being like really funny and really comedic. I know I'm giving full force their flowers today. But even they got better.
I thought the casting was fantastic. The inclusion of Queen Latifah, things like that. They're both a little sex rompy, but this one is way more respectful, whereas the first one was very much like we're just dogs and we're trying to do dog shit. Whereas this was definitely like women are people too. Wow. What a thought.
Well, the first one was in the 80s and this is 1990. So you know, it's a new decade. It's a new time.
Yeah. And also Queen Latifah was there. That's right. We got you an IT one. She went alone. That's a unity.
Ladies first.
So yeah, that's why I, again, it's literally just because it's one of my favorite movies and I really enjoy talking about house party too. Everybody know about this part, but the three of you, I know grandma, what up with that? This is a really incredible cross section of comedies.
Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Like, Here's the thing, I'm not going to say what you think I'm going to say. I have not seen house party too. I'm kind of leaning toward voting for house party too.
Wow. You'd be wrong, but you're more than welcome to vote for that. It's because, you know, it is the unexpected one. It is really the one that might get overlooked that I think like I was like a baby when it came out. And so I like I missed it at the time. And I'm just like, you know, I've seen the other three. They're great.
Let's narrow it down as we should already. Despite not having seen one of these movies, we'll gladly vote for either one because this one rules. And I just think this is a cool choice that I want to see my pitch for house party too. As a person who is at this video store and has not seen this movie, it's having the effect of a staff pick. I'm like, ooh, this is a staff pick. And I want to go watch.
So would it be one of those things you come in and you're just like that picks. Okay. It's like house party too. I mean, I don't remember. I mean, if it's a staff pick, I guess it's got to be checking out straight up. That is my reason. Yeah. I get that.
But that said, this is also coming to America and I have zero qualms with coming to America being the winner. I was going to say, well, A, I love this and B, if we're talking about from a metrics point of view, you're never not going to get money off of this one. This is always going to be rented to keep the lights on. Yeah, that's going to go down. This is going to be in like, you know, when humanity really starts to diathral. It's like when we got to get some of these movies in this safe, so they're protected for making the Noah's Ark of media that's getting in there.
House party two is not getting in there. So I say enjoy house party two while you still have an opportunity to before the earth blows up. Yeah. And we all run out of food and oil. I think I'm going house party two.
I mean, this is like, this is undeniable. Yeah. Okay. I get we want to be kind of like hipsters, you know, subversive in our choices, but also I think there are times just like this is clearly the better film. Yes. But like what like, you know, to what we're saying though, is it about what's the better film or what has less people seen that they should see? That's fair. But in this case, passion overrides logic and I, I choose this, I should have done this for Terminator 2. Is this a fucking Star Trek thing? Yes. This is exactly this.
So you're saying the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many and the many is the people that haven't seen. I'm just saying the needs of me outweighs the needs of everyone else at this table. And therefore I think this film still haven't been able to sway me yet.
Hmm. I mean. Let's see which one falls. Well. Okay. Fair. This is making me nervous. All right. Okay. Ooh.
Have you considered this is the pajama jam? It is a jammy jam. Tony, Tony, Tony also did a jammy jam though. And theirs was three and a half minutes. Did you need a whole 90 minutes to do a jam jam?
It felt good. It did feel good.
Yeah. It feels weird to be arguing for a movie I have not seen over one that I like a lot. Yeah. That's a good point. All right.
We'll take a vote. All those in favor for house party. Raise your hands.
Gosh. Yes. Sorry. It's just, here's the thing.
This movie and that party unleashed the freshest funniest nonstop hip hop bash since when? Since when? What?
Since the invention of cool. And that was a long time ago. You know who invented cool? Miles Davis. The birth of cool.
Yeah. That's birth inventing. You invent children. Okay. Yeah.
I'll accept it. I will not accept this staff choice, but I will allow it. I'm not a fan. When you put it on the rack, you can write staff pick minus Chinese show.
You didn't expect this to win. I didn't at all expect that to win. The very enthusiastic out the gate of coming to America really set them on.
It's true. Yeah. If it was last, everyone would be like, oh. Oh. That was it.
See, if you had been less enthusiastic about house party too, but you really sold me because you were excited about it. I mean, I was supporting my fellow friends here. You guys support the team.
Is this the sister's lib they talk about? They call us sisters. Kids girl Sydney has discovered sisters lib thanks to a consciousness raising friend.
Let's eat. You know, guys, I can't wait to not read the comments on this episode. |
Fitzthistlewits | tomb_raider_review | Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider is the hotly anticipated action adventure game released by Crystal Dynamics. In the game you play as the titular character Angelina Jolie as she attempts to steal ancient and sacred artifacts from indigenous people, like the grave-robbing harpy she is.
The controls were designed by the Antichrist. WASD doesn't do WAS diddly squid, you have to use the arrow keys, like a mug. Your main keys are control and alt, which is weird and annoying because you're in constant danger of hitting the windows key. Even the menu screen doesn't make any sense. Press PDGN to step right.
Press PADO to look. What the fuck is PADO? And I'm already looking. Does that mean I'm already pressing PADO? Is this some sort of propaganda campaign for a futuristic religious cult? Is PADO your leader? Does he promise to help us see the truth if we press him? Or is it we who are being pressed into his service? I'm onto you PADO.
Right, now I'd better take off these wet clothes. I'm not afraid of your tomb, darlin'. Oh!
The graphics aren't that great for a new game, but I think it might be symbolic. Because this is a prequel, Lara Croft's first adventure, the graphics have been given a retro feel. Like with Wind Waker, Link is a babby boy, so he has a babby boy graphics, y'know, so everything is a lot more simple and childish here compared to the original game Tomb Raider Anniversary. The game courted some controversy when Ron Rosenberg stated that during the game, Lara Croft gets taken prisoner by scavengers on the island, they try to rape her, and she's literally turned into a cornered animal.
Literally. Which is very similar to the plot of The Island of Dr. Moreau. Many people from right wing extremist websites like Kotaku were upset by this, as they saw it as evidence of a furry agenda. Patricia Hernandez in particular called for, and I quote, a genocide against the animal fuckers.
Best bits, I like the bit when she's fighting the statues, I like the shower scene, I like the nerd guy, I like the robot in the beginning, I like the bit where she throws the knife. Overall, it's alright, 10 out of 10, why not, good job, well done. |
cracked | ded_talks_why_thomas_edison_was_history_s_biggest_dick | Hello my fellow Americans. My name is Thomas Alva Edison, famed inventor of the quadraplex telegraph, cement pianos, a fireproof factory which burned to the ground, and several other inventions of note. And to what do I credit my historic success?
Failure. That's right. The same failure that comprises most of your lives.
I turned into fame and fortune and the respect of millions of God-fearing American nerds. You see, I'm like one of your friends who asks every woman he meets for a date because he knows eventually one will say yes, but I'm not looking for a mate.
I'm looking for financially significant patents that haven't been claimed. At the beginning, I did things the hard way, invented something truly new, a dead-end, cylindrical, phonograph technology that earned me the name Wizard of Menlo Park, owing to the complete stupidity of people of the time. This invention taught me that genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I tested this theory literally, drinking the sweat of great minds in order to steal their ideas. I soon learned it was far simpler to use legal and business means. Joseph Swan. It was around that time that I felt as something turning on over my head and I thought, hey, here's an idea. Let's slightly improve upon and patent for profit.
I am referring, of course, to the incandescent light bulb, the same bulb we're using it. Oh, I see these are all LED lights. Still, the incandescent had a great run and as far as most of you know, I invented it.
In truth, I invented something even better, the Research and Development Department. This is a big building where people devote themselves to improving technology, especially in slightly improving recently invented technologies so that we can patent and market a superior version. And the best thing about that building? I own it. So, anything that is invented by anybody in that building, I invented it in much the same way your boss is responsible for all of your best work. Imagine if I had tested my ideas on x-rays myself, instead of my employee, Clarence Dally, it would have been me who had his arms amputated and later died of cancer. And logistically speaking, it's a lot easier to put your name on ideas when you house people all in the same building.
Apple and Disney, you're welcome. Say, did you ever notice that Edison is almost an anagram for Disney? And that we both sign our names like egomaniacal dicks?
But I digress. Once you have set up your invention factory, then all you have to do is find inventions whose time have come and put your name on them. Take the light bulb. There were more than 20 versions before ours, and I had to sue for six years to win that patent. Our argument was that I had found a better filament. I found it because I had hundreds of employees testing hundreds of materials, sometimes almost haphazardly, until by chance, they came up with one that was superior to our competitors. See?
Enough failure always leads to eventual success. But hire someone to do the failing for you. Then you can focus on marketing and infrastructure. I always knew that the big money wasn't becoming a utility, and I made electricity cheap and available for the first time. Infrastructure.
As for marketing, I told everybody that the competitors' electricity would kill their families and proved it by electro-killing stray dogs and cats, and once even an elephant for variety. Then I invented the electric chair and got it made a legal form of execution. I'm only sorry that Topsy the Elephant isn't alive to see how I feel. Booyakasha! Oh, oh, and the superior filament? We said I came up with it while looking at a bamboo fishing rod on vacation during a solar eclipse. The rubes love s**t like that. It was actually discovered by a nameless Edison employee who died of chemical poisoning.
I believe that America is the greatest nation on this earth because of our resolve. Use that resolve to grab dibs on things. Dibs and dibs and dibs until your name is legend. No matter how many times the universe says no, just keep asking.
Eventually, they'll say fine. If you'll just quit talking, fine. And the rubes will make a view, a figurehead over the work of thousands, because they can only remember one name on their midterms. That's my talk.
There will be an idea box at the exit. Please do jot down any viable product concepts I may have inspired in you. They're all now property of Edison LLC.
In closing, there's a sucker born every minute. Nobody has ever gone broke underestimating the intelligence of the public. And the rubes always like a show with an elephant. I've been PT Barn- Thomas Edison, without whom you'd be scratching out miserable lives in darkness, in constant fear of being trampled by over abundant elephants. Oh, my favorite movie is Birth of a Nation, the KKK one.
Thank you. Hey there. Thank you for watching our video. I hope you liked it. And if you did, please subscribe, you know, get in there with us. And that the whole Tom Edison, not a nice guy, huh? Boop. I've got an idea. Why don't you tell us who your favorite human monster is? Right in, huh? Thanks. |
dropout | kim_jong_un_vs_vladimir_putin | Okay, now it's time for a weekly summary of President Putin's exploits for children of nation. Monday, Putin tames six black bears. Tuesday, Putin restores sight to blind men. Wednesday, Putin discovers blind men is deviant. He feeds to tame bears.
Sir, I am so sorry. They hacked our signal. We will execute all children whose minds have been polluted by this filth. Hey, S.A.P. We attract the intrusive signal to Pascal.
Again? I already punched Meteor back into space. In Jeong-un, most Iran world leader, what is the meaning of this? You impugn my highly-rated, critically acclaimed children's program? Then fight is inevitable. Duba bowling! Also, this! His smooth chest glows like precious jamming with her son. Too bad I must destroy.
It was a ruse. Putin did not hack into your broadcast.
But sadly, my simple rope of mine cannot figure out who did. You are not just leader. Also, world's greatest playboy detective. Can you solve mystery?
Sorry, S.A.P. But we need your chemical weapons for our collection. So hand him over. You won't get away with this. My friend Vladimir will protect me.
Will he? Is he too busy fighting Kim Jong-un? Because someone broadcast his show over Huns. Not a chance! But how? I thought you could break us into fighting. Please. Kim Jong-un is too smart and unpimply for that. How ironic.
You preach liberty, but what a private leader of the ultimate freedom. To do whatever he wants to his people.
But I... You see... Healthcare... If in your country, the good and noble succeed.
But... but my... my chemical weapons... You are better without them.
I know your charisma and comfort in crowded rooms has blessed you with many friends. But... I would be proud to join their number. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | betoota_advocate_public_service_announcement_census_2016 | Hi, I'm Joy Ride, ARIA-nominated ADM Godfather and former member of the Development Squad for the Western Sydney Razorbacks. Existing on the coalface of Australian culture means that my livelihood as a musical raconteur depends on the integrity of media publications, journalists and two-bit blogs like Tone Death. A free and honest media is the cornerstone of democracy. To protect that freedom and that honesty of this census, I'll be letting the Australian Bureau of Statistics know that my home is also the home of the only newspaper that still believes that these values are a birthright of all Australians. I'm of course talking about Petuta in Far West Queensland. Once considered the jewel in the diamond Tina Shire, Petuta has long been ignored by state and federal governments alike, as well as the mainstream media. You can help mend this social miscarriage by registering your home address in Petuta this coming census on Tuesday, August 9th. If you're like me, this census, you'll be letting the ABS know where your heart and loyalties lie. Let them know you wholeheartedly support Petuta. Let's make Petuta great again. |
cracked | the_4_most_adorable_animal_rampages_spit_take_theater | Hey, you're about to hear banana clipper and 36-inch chain off the run the jewels mixtape You should totally download it. It's free and speaking of Today's episode is Well, you can't say we didn't warn you the internet cracked has always maintained a healthy respect for the awesome power of wild animals And a near-constant awareness that they'd be murdering us right now if they knew how to work doorknobs Of course, not everyone agrees that some have even called our hypervigilance unhealthy Our intern Brent compiled what he assures me are the foremost terrifying animal attacks captured on video in 2013 Oh These are acts of beast on man violence so troubling He didn't even include that one I found from the intro of the unkillable deer crash landing in a speeding bus like he's the subway ghost teaching swazie to train hop In the movie ghost Brent's videos are better than that. Let's check them out. I guess we run the The quarter pound on my person Okay, we're off to an okay start the most uncontrollable temper tantrum in nature facing off with a woman who apparently believes that elephants respond to Antagonistic infield chatter. This is going to end badly you guys Come on, sweetheart. Oh Oh good idea get in the hole with the rampaging mom's baby Jesus. I almost can't look at this Oh Not giving me the chills right now Brent Cut cut I've got something in my eyes. Oh, no turns out it's just tears and crying pretty hard He didn't do it. So get the fuck out of here you wanna See now this is so close the animal is big and scary those people are terrified It's basically the part in Jurassic Park where the t-rex chases the Jeep If the t-rex looked like it was made of pipe cleaners and crazy strong fucking Brent Jesus You know, there's still a stubborn part of me That's hoping those baby goats are just gonna scatter and leave behind that woman's picked clean skeleton and a tape recorder of her laughing All right, why why do the ducks cross just stay back stop first of all, this is news Go go go go Not Jesus Christ that is go go It's like they keep stopping when it's totally clear To the cone get to the cone the cone is your friend the cone is home safe ollie ollie oxen free go go Get go back go back go back.
Oh, they're also Go go safe. They're safe. They're safe It's okay, they're safe.
Fuck you, Brent Uh Hey, we're doing these again. Um, i'm soaring Thank you for subscribing if you haven't subscribed already, although if you haven't I can't possibly believe why not We've done like a thousand of these things and yet we still have to keep doing them I don't know what to give you. I don't know what you what you want. Take anything take Take take my shirt. Take my shoes. I don't I don't care anymore.
All right. All right You you wanted this you got it. All right. Are we happy now? Can we all subscribe please? |
cracked | can_ghostbusters_be_considered_a_drama_staff_picks | Okay, we have now all searched through the Station One archives, made our selections. Hold on, you can't call those archives. It's a closet full of stacks of movies. You know, they're not really organized very well, but they're archives. There's people at Station One that let us into their homes.
I know. I'm not saying it's not. I'm just saying, let's not call it an archive. What do you mean?
I have a drunk drunk, like a drunk, fuck. A drunk drunk? I have a drunk drawer full of empty bottles that I just had.
This is StaffPix, the show where we hunt down VHSs, DVDs, and Blu-rays trying to fill the shelf space of our video rental store evenly between the big four movie genres. Each episode will focus on a specific genre, and our four hosts will have to unanimously decide one movie to be added to the StaffPix video store collection. Welcome back to StaffPix, the show where we are curating the collection of a video rental store, the best video rental store the world has ever seen.
I'm Patrick Willem. I'm joined by my co-host, Daniel Radford.
And today, once again, we are joined by Jonah Ray and Chinesha. Chinesha.
So you grew up in New York City, right? So what was the video store culture like there? There are two that come to mind. A, Kim's video, legendary. For me, especially in college, hanging out with my friends far too late into the evening, going into Kim's at like 11 at night, getting some obscure. I have a copy of a VHS of a Brazilian documentary because of Kim's video. And another store that was on Staten Island.
We won't go into it. But it was this tiny little hole in a wall that was about the size of a bathroom that had stacks like library stacks of coverless VHS.
So you had to walk to the talk to the guy in the back at the counter with the fat cat who was crawling on everything and flipped through the book of titles. So we either had to know exactly what you were coming for or talk to the man on the counter. Like, look, I'm looking for some weird shit. What do you got for me?
And he'd be like, well, you'd like this. It's so great when you go in there and they get to know you and they can start to understand like, okay, I think I'm picking up what you're putting down. I understand the kind of things that I think that you personally are going to be into. And also the fear of being judged by the employee when you bring up what you've selected to rent. When I worked at Amoeba Records in Hollywood for a bit and we sold movies and as well as records, but there was always that person like bringing up their what they're buying. And they go, you're probably not going to like this. And they always thought they were so specific. It was like, who gets like Madonna and Slayer?
A lot of people. They're both very popular. A million ex. Literally a million ex.
Of course. All right. We're back at station one in New Jersey and we're selecting today our drama picks. Can you do that whole intro again, but just more dramatic? I'm just just a little more intensity. No, that was brilliant. We do one take here.
We do one day and you don't tell me what to do. I'm so, you know what? You've been telling me what to do since never. You've never done it. No.
And it's funny because today's the drama episode and discussing a drama movie is weird because I'm just like, what is the drama genre? I feel like drama movies are just the movies that aren't another genre. Is it just anything about adults talking? The absence of genre is genre. It's only a drama if it's allowed to be nominated for Best Oscar. Back in the day, the Greeks, yeah, they had comedy and tragedy. Are we just, is it like drama, just tragedy then?
Yeah, these are all the bummer movies. Yeah, these are just bummer movies. These are the movies you know you should watch, but you never feel like it.
Exactly. It's like, I want to watch this, but it's going to bum me out. Just wait for it. When it has dramatic elements, is that allowed to be picked? Well, that's the thing. Doesn't almost every movie have drama in it? Right, you know. There's stories. There's a narrative. There's drama. That's why we care. I don't know.
This is why I can't wait to see what people picked. Oh, you're going to love my pictures. I'm going to do a lot of episodes talking about dramas and what it means.
Should we just get started? Let's go. Let's do it. All right. Let's do it. All right. I am ready to present my choice for drama.
Feeling it. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling.
All right. I'm going to go with Bound, a.k.a. Every Young Generation X or Millennial Girls Lesbian Awakening. Babies, I'm bringing you back.
Oh, wow. I have not seen this. This is new today.
I almost picked that. I came so close. Bound is amazing.
It is the Wachowski sisters. I believe this is their first movie. Their first one. Where they're trying to do all the tricks of figuring how to make a movie without spending any money, because who has that stuff?
It is Gina Goshan, who always knows exactly which movie she is in. Yes. At every single turn. And we'll give you whatever performance it is that you may need.
It has got the incredibly charming and weirdly proficient poker, Jennifer Tilly, as well. It has some of the sexiest sex scenes you have ever seen.
And it's also got Joey Pants. Joey Pants. Some of the best episodes of Tales from the Crypt. Joey Pants episodes.
True, true story. Bound is amazing. There are lighter moments, there are darker moments. It's like a noir thriller. Yeah, this is definitely the 90s erotic thriller that one would attribute to.
But I mean, it's a movie so good that they just said, Wachowskis, you can make The Matrix now. Yeah, because they had the idea, I think, for The Matrix before Bound. And like, they were so dead. Do you have the idea for The Matrix now?
Do you don't think so? That's according to that lawsuit. Oh, I remember that. I don't know. You know, with that said, I almost grabbed a movie that I really like that I think is a kind of a forgot gem. Dark City. Oh, that was a good one.
Which has huge Matrix vibes. Yeah, years before. Well, no, no. Dark City came out one year before The Matrix. Oh, one year before that. And the thing is, The Matrix actually filmed on some of the same sets that they used in Dark City because they both filmed in Australia. But it's like The Matrix was filming when Dark City was coming out. So there's also the whole thing of like The Matrix, maybe borrowed stuff from the comic book The Invisibles.
And I'm just like, you know what? The important thing is that I love The Matrix. I love the Wachowskis, and I love Bound, and it is awesome. Yeah, I'm incredibly clever. Again, this was one of those movies where I was like, I got to talk to my mom, I guess. I guess now I've got to explain some things where it's like, hey, I know you don't know what bisexual is, but we all get through this together.
It's one of those words like, I could probably, I'm not saying I'm going to make a movie as good as this. I'm saying that like, I could get a camera. You know, this is one of the words like, oh yeah, I could find the money for a camera.
So yeah, Bound is, that's the movie that I'm going with. fucking dark in here. All right. Excellent selection. Sounds good. Chinese show, are you up next? Ladies, that's right.
I was really conflicted about how to qualify in any of these categories, and honestly, as I stick my hand in this bag, I still don't have a good answer for this. But I'm going to go with, no, I'm confused. I don't know what to do now. Ooh, okay.
I'm going to go kind of Florida, but I'm going to go Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters 1, which has dramatic elements. It does.
I think it's really serious when they find their way into mayor's office. It's about politics. It is a gritty and starting a business in New York story about coming together. It's about the EPA coming down, the small business. I honestly don't even know what to strike.
Ghostbusters 1 or 2 anymore, I might have mixed up the plots on both of these films. But yeah, this is not dramatic. Well, if you want to know the difference, you can know the plot of Ghostbusters 2 because Bobby Brown will tell it to you and solve.
Yes. He will. He does. He tells you, if you go back and listen to On Our Own, it's just the plot of Ghostbusters 2. I have that stuck in my head now. Can't forget Ray Parker Jr. Ooh, that's true. That's kind of classic. Yeah. And who got sued by Huey Lewis in the news? Real bad. He did. This is a real one too, just categorically. That being said, I'm going to try to look at that. It's just, it knows where it belongs.
This is what happens when you pick a DVD. I just, I so did not see this coming. Neither did I. And I'm just, and I love it so much. It's also, you didn't even pick like, oh, a comedy drama. You picked a, like a post-SNL movie.
I love this. I'll save myself. I can just focus now.
No, no, no, no. Here's the thing. All of a sudden, I'm just like, I kind of want to vote for Ghostbusters. Sigourney is doing a great job hitting for the fences. She's nasty. Listen, and when she is being possessed, that is a dramatic performance. That is not a comedy at that point. I really just hate whoever has to do these things on the back of the movies.
Prepare to spend some quality slime time with the Ghostbusters. There is one scene involving slime. I don't think Ghostbusters would think like, oh, we'll just, you know, it's like the Kids' Choice Awards, like slime everywhere. Yeah, like the second one is way, way more slime. River of slime. So much slime.
Oh, right. This redefined the action comedy genre. I didn't read the back of the box.
We came. We saw. We kicked it.
Great movie, regardless. One fantastic. Wonderful. It's hard to feel less bad about mine. It's wonderful.
Wait, I'm up next this time. Okay, that's right. I'm not going last every time. So who's ready for some radical, total whiplash? This just, now this just feels weird. It's so much fun talking about Ghostbusters, so I'm going to be like. A proper contribution. Kill the movie. Yeah, yeah. Here's a snuff film. Okay, for drama.
Right now, I'm going to say one of our contenders, who hasn't even been opened, is, Khrushchev-Kyshlovski's Red from the Three Colors trilogy. I picked Khrushchev-Kyshlovski's Red from the Three Colors trilogy.
Wow. Bringing it to 90s European art house films. Is this your way of saying that you're smarter than the rest of us? It's not very nice. Sounds like it. You think you're better than me?
I was afraid this would happen. Listen, I know I've referenced the Three Colors trilogy as a bit before, but I've never seen any of them. Well, I hadn't until last year.
It's red, blue, and hot pink, right? That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nailed it.
Has anyone seen this movie? It's been a minute, but yes, I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it, correct me if I'm wrong, but this was considered one of the year's 10 best.
Is that right? I think the Los Angeles. I heard there was 2,000. Jonah, tell me more about it. Sure. 90 minutes. It stars the person.
If I'm not saying Miramax, I think Miramax put it out, which is also super problematic for you to pick that movie. Miramax.
They just should be there. They didn't produce it. You know what? Roger Ebert did not like Starship Troopers, loved this one. Oh, yeah. So look, it's not going to get picked. I mean, in the running though, obviously. I love that it's here. What's good about the show is we have variety. And when will you ever see Ghostbusters and Red, or I guess Rouge, up against each other? I should say Rouge. Look, okay.
This is the third film in the Three Colors trilogy, which is kind of a thematic trilogy, but it is also the one that does link the other two movies together. So it is technically a great cinematic universe. And kids love those.
And didn't New York Times say it was serious? Stop it. Sorry. Stop it.
It's a fascinating puzzle to be solved on screen. It says The Chicago Sun-Times, which is just Roger Ebert. But they didn't want to put his name on here twice. And isn't the stock number in that 4373? Yeah, no, it is. Yeah, that's how you know it's good.
This is a really hard movie to describe because it is an art movie from the 90s, mostly about like a part-time model kind of wandering around Paris and investigating things. But it's light on plot and heavy on vibes. So vibes make something dramatic for you?
They can. Yeah, yeah. And they do here.
Again, I don't think this is going to win because you saw it a long time ago. I don't know. Again, I'm thinking about going for ghostbusters. So look, there we go. Here are our picks so far. The drama category. So Jonah. Nice wall around it. What do you got? I feel like because of Bound and Red, not so much ghostbusters one too. That's what's making me feel kind of okay about this pick.
But it is very, for me, it's a movie that means a lot to me. Me and my mom used to watch all the time. It was probably the most dramatic movie I watched as a kid and maybe understood the themes even though it's about young people.
I want to stay away from the Blu-rays and the DVDs because it's just going to take me even longer to kind of like scan through these spines. Stand by me. I'll go with this for stand by me for drama. This is like the most like white nerd thing I'm going to do. But stand by me, which is a great movie.
There's funny parts, but it is like- It's a drama. It's about a dead body. Yeah, it's an actual drama. It's an actual drama and- It does have a lot of puking too.
Yes, exactly. There's a funny- I would even offer. Oh no. That's a fair play. This is a fair play. This is an action. Chinese, what have you done? Ironic that it's stand by me is knocking over the other- Wait. This is exactly how this is supposed to go.
So it is a drama, of course, but it's just something that- I don't know. I think it's just because it's- I almost- I had One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in my hand. That was there. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest made for drama.
I'm going to put this maybe now. I'm going to do an okay maybe.
And I had it in my hand, and then I saw stand by me, and there was just something that went inside. I was just like, me and my mom, I watched it so much. Heavy themes. Fuck. Would you- would you- Can you please not fiddle around when I'm talking about watching a movie with my mom? I'm trying to display your movie. Trying to be nice. Just hold it.
No, but it is something that's kind of ubiquitous. It's like it's a movie that kind of sticks around. It is on TV a bunch. It is- the themes are kind of light. It's like, you know, it is melodrama.
It's a coming-of-age movie. It is a coming-of-age movie.
It's part of Rob Ryder's Miracle Run, when he could not miss. For any- anyone who's like, you know, kind of like left friends behind if they moved away or anything like that, it is a thing that I think kind of like sticks around with people as they grow older. Here's a question. What is stand by me rated? Is it P.J.? It's like 1988, so that's a post. The 80 is the P.G. and P.G. 13. It is, but it's totally- Yeah, because it's the ground. This is what did it.
I'm wondering, is it one of those weird movies where it's like a- it's rated R, because they swear four times. I think it's rated R. It's rated R. Wow, just because they swear so much. Yeah, but that's the wild thing with this movie, where it's like, I think of that as sort of like, when you're a kid, that's one of- like you said, one of the first like more mature movies. You see, it's about kids, you get it, you understand it, you relate to them. It's fun, but then it deals with some like heavier material and subject matter, and it is weird that that is rated R. Well, it only takes one F-bomb, because you get one. Well, things were a little bit less strict in the 80s, where it's like, oh, it's rated P.G., but there's like a nudity, and there's like four F-bombs. Like, I think in the 90s, where they like, really got strict about it, it's like, you can do this many things. I mean, like, just alone, it deserves an R rating for Wil Wheaton's line, suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood.
He does say that. While pointing a gun, which is the most American part of the movie, I think. I'm waiting here this. What is it, man? You guys want to go see a dead body?
That's a good pick. Yeah, I think it's a really solid pick. It's good, but now, like, to choose between these three movies.
I'm sorry, I'm all in on ghostbusters. I'm going to lean in the erotic thriller, like, direction. I do enjoy a good erotic thriller. Bound and red are giving me good vibes. Here's the thing. This is sexy. It's not erotic. I like tits and ass, so I'm going to go bounce. Yeah.
When we were making our selections, I imposed a rule upon myself that I was only going to pick VHSs. I want to pick VHSs, if I can, just because they look cooler. They're chunky. They're more tactile. Blu-ray cases are just ugly. And so I'm not going to lie. I would love to have VHS picks for everything. They stand up properly.
Here's the thing. I think red would be a great candidate for the staff picks shelf. I think you guys should see it. It's really good. But also, I'm not going to insist upon it because half the people here haven't seen it. And so... Well, that's all the more reason to get it on the shelf. I know. That's the whole thing.
But what if you then watch it and are just like, this sucks. Badger goes wrong. I'd rather watch red notice.
No, you wouldn't. No, you would not.
If nothing else, it's better than that. Yeah, okay. So you're reneging on your contribution and you're like, it's one of these guys.
I think because Stand By Me is so famous and so widely seen, Bound in Red for me are the ones where I'm just like, by being on the staff picks shelf, they might be introduced to more people. I'd be into seeing that. If I saw them on the shelf, I'm like, ooh, yes.
Exactly. It's an easy sell, for some it's like, oh, you like The Matrix? Have you seen? It's their first movie. Yeah, exactly.
I think I would, I picked Red, but I have zero objections to Bound. I would be happy if Bound was the selection. I would feel problematic not choosing Bound and choosing Stand By Me. Give me my lesbians. So I'll just put the little boy, the little white boy movie down and I will also go for this subversive thing that makes me uncomfortable.
But it does have Joey Pounce. It does have Joey Pounce.
Yeah, so don't worry. The work of any good film, the work of every single film is that it has to. Yeah, and Bound has got to be one of the best movies of 1996. I'll tell you, it's scary, funny, sexy, and exciting.
Sorry. You just actually made my vision worse.
I think there's two camera. As much as it was not my initial pick, here's why Bound has to win. My pick got two thumbs up from Siskel and Ebert. This got two very enthusiastic thumbs up.
Oh, well then that's, yeah. Like, that sounds like it. Does it mean the thumbs wiggle? I'm very confused is how I can tell. No, this is two thumbs up and this is two and it's like, ah! I feel like they stand up.
Which is also the face I've made watching Bound. Oh my god. Here's your copy of Bound and here are some tissues.
But I don't know, the massive evil. It's not legal.
So wait, was Bobby Brown the original Will Smith? Yes, where the rap explains the movie. They were contemporaries of each other. But he did the Will Smith movie rap thing like way before. Will Smith didn't do it until.
Men in black.
And he should have done it for every single movie he made. Yeah, I literally wanted that out. Talkin' about the masterpiece. Oh, he real outside.
Do you know what that is? I don't, I don't. I think it has something to do with the house or something. Watch all the time. It was probably the most dramatic movie I watched as a kid and maybe understood the themes even though it's about young people. I wanna stay away from the Blu-rays and the DVDs because it's just gonna take me even longer to kind of like scan through these spines.
Stand by me. I'll go with that. I'll go with this for stand, stand by me for drama. This is like the most like white nerd thing I'm gonna do but stand by me.
Which is, it's a great movie. There's funny parts but it is like it's- It's a drama. It's about a dead body. Yeah. It's an actual drama. And- It does have a lot of puking too.
Yes, yeah, exactly. There's a- I would even offer. Oh no. That's a fair play. This is a fair play.
This is now Jenga. Chinese, what have you done? Ironic that it's stand by me is knocking over the other. Wait. This is exactly how this is supposed to go.
So it is a drama of course but it's like it's just something that I don't know. I think it's just because it's- I almost- I had One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in my hand. That was there. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest made for drama.
I'm gonna put this maybe now. I'm gonna do an okay maybe.
And I had it in my hand and then like I saw stand by me and there was just something that like went inside. I was just like, I was like, you know, me and my mom watched. I watched it so much.
Heavy themes. Fuck.
Would you, would you- Can you please not fiddle around when I'm talking about watching a movie with my mom? I'm trying to display your movie. It's trying to be nice. Just hold it.
No, but it is something that's kind of ubiquitous. Like it's like it's a movie that kind of sticks around. It is on TV a bunch. It is- the themes are kind of light. It's like, you know, it is melodrama.
It's a coming of age movie. It is a coming of age movie. It's part of Rob Reiner's Miracle Run when he could not miss.
For any anyone who was like, you know, kind of like left friends behind if they moved away or anything like that. It is a thing that I think kind of like sticks around with people as they grow older.
Here's a question. What is Stand by the Rated? Is it P.J.? It's like 1988. So that's a post.
The 80s, the PG and PG-13. It is, but it's also- Yeah, because it's the grandma's is what did it. I'm wondering, is it one of those weird movies where it's like, it's rated R because they swear four times. I think it's rated R. It's rated R. Wow, just because they swear so much. Yeah, but that's the wild thing with this movie where it's like, I think of that as sort of like when you're a kid. That's one of, like you said, one of the first like more mature movies. It's about kids.
You get it. You understand it. You relate to them.
It's fun, but then it deals with some like heavier material and subject matter. And it is weird that that is rated R. Well, it only takes one F-bomb. Mm-hmm. Because you get one. Well, things were a little bit less strict in the 80s where it's like, oh, it's rated PG, but there's like a nudity and there's like four F-bombs. Like I think in the 90s where they like really got it strict about it's like, you can do this many things. I mean, like just alone, it deserves an R rating for Wil Wheaton's line. Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood. He does say this. While pointing a gun, which is the most American part of the movie.
Waiting here this. What is it? You guys want to go see a dead body?
That's a good pick. Yeah, they solid pick. It's good.
But now, like to choose between these three movies. I'm sorry, I'm all in on ghostbusters.
Nothing else. I'm going to lean in the erotic thriller, like direction. I do enjoy good erotic thriller. Bound and red are giving me good vibes. Here's the thing. This is sexy. It's not erotic. I like tits and ass, so I'm going to go bound. Yeah.
When we were making our selections, I imposed the rule upon myself that I was only going to pick VHSs. I want to pick VHSs if I can, just because they look cooler, you know? There's that, they're chunky. They're more tactile. Blu-ray cases are just ugly. And so I'm not going to lie, I would love to have VHS picks for everything.
They stand up properly. Here's the thing. I think red would be a great candidate for the staff pick's shelf. I think you guys should see it. It's really good. But also, I'm not going to insist upon it, because half the people here haven't seen it. And so... Well, that's all the more reason to get it on the shelf. I know. That's the whole thing.
But what if you then watch it and are just like, this sucks. Badger was wrong. I'd rather watch red notice.
No, you wouldn't. No, you would not.
Like, if nothing else, it's better than that. Yeah, okay. So you're reneging on your contribution and you're like, it's one of these guys. I think because Stand By Me is so famous and so widely seen, Bound and Red for me are the ones where I'm just like, by being on the staff pick's shelf, they might be introduced to more people. I'd be into seeing that. Like, if I saw them on the shelf, I'd be like, ooh, yes. And it's an easy sell for someone. It's like, oh, you like The Matrix? Have you seen... It's their first movie. Yeah, exactly.
You know, I picked red, but I have zero objections to Bound. I would be happy if Bound was the selection. I would feel problematic not choosing Bound and choosing Stand By Me. Give me my lesbians. So I'll just put the little boy, the little white boy movie down and I will also go for this subversive thing that makes me uncomfortable.
But it does have Joey pants. It does have Joey pants.
So don't worry.
The work of any good film, the work of every single film, is that it has to. Bound has got to be one of the best movies of 1996. I'll tell you, it's scary, funny, sexy, and exciting.
Sorry. This actually makes my vision worse. I think there's two camera.
As much as it was not my initial pick, here's why Bound has to win. My pick got two thumbs up from Siskel and Ebert. This got two very enthusiastic thumbs up.
Oh, well then that's the... Okay. Like, that sounds...
What does that look like? Does it mean the thumbs wiggle? I'm very confused is how I can tell the difference.
I feel like they're taking them out. This is two thumbs up and this is two and it's like, I feel like they stand up. Which is also the face I've made watching Bound. Oh, my God. Here's your copy of Bound and here are some tissues.
Banana Mountain Ego, the massive evil. It's not legal.
So wait, was Bobby Brown the original Will Smith? Yes, where the rap explains the movie. Yes. We're contemporaries of each other. Right, but he did the Will Smith movie rap thing like way before. Will Smith didn't do it until...
Men in Black.
And he should have done it for every single movie he made. Yeah, I literally... Talking about a man's location. Oh, he real outside.
Maybe. Do you know what that is? I don't, I don't. I think it has something to do with the house or something. |
SaturdayNightLive | don_s_apothecary_penis_sleeves_and_vaginal_rejuvenation_snl | Here you go. All right, there. All right. And there is your stuff. thank you. You know, it's always nice to come back to the old neighborhood and see that this place is still around. take care, buddy. yeah, I'll see you later. Hello. hello. did you find everything okay? yes, thank you. let's see here.
Oh, boy. I guess this doesn't have a price tag on it. Rejoin. What is that? Never mind. I'll just find one with a price tag on it. No, no, no. here it is. Rejoin, penal, support sleeve, and constriction ring. Oh, boy. there's no price on this. Let me call the Stock Room. I really wish you wouldn't do that. Oh, no. that's okay. Lizbeth. what's up, Mr. O? yeah. see if you can find me a price on this.
Rejoin. Rejoin?
Yeah. it's a support sleeve. what kind? for the penis. for whose penis? this guy's penis. So, it's like a penile support sleeve and constriction ring for this guy. right? here's penis?
Bingo. Ew. All right. I'm going to check it out. Aye, aye, aye. You know, that rejoin business does nothing for a guy like me. I got shot in the spine a few years back, paralyzed, and waist down. still handy with the tongue, though. keep the wife happy as a jaybird, if you know what I mean. nah! that's really distasteful.
Anyway. looks like that'll be $14.99. Oh, good. that's $14.99, sir. thanks a lot.
Why don't you get with the 20th Century and get a price scanner? Whoa. no, no, no. What? so, the Fbi can know all my customers' personal info? no way.
All right, Dalmar. we need to get tax on all the penile support sleeves and constriction rings. What you talking about? the rejoin penile support sleeves and constriction rings? not ever to one, son. Thank you. you know, we need to get them. So, fellas like Robert W. Glade, you know, don't have to waste your time when they come in here looking for their penile support sleeves.
Okay, well, could you at least turn off the Pa?
Oh, sir. good gravy. give me my card. have a good day, sir. hello, Ma'am. what is this? Re. Replens. let me take a look. can you help me with that, honey? What is this? Oh, could you just give it back, please? no, no, that's okay. can you look at it there a little bit?
Okay, Lizbeth, take it down a notch. you know, um, you could just go ahead of me. that's fine. Oh, no, you go ahead and buy your Gina cream, baby. Oh, my God. sorry, would you look at that? Once again, no price check. Lizbeth, can you go there? can you call the back room and see if we can get a price check on this, baby? hey, I need a price check on Replen's long-lasting vaginal moisturizer for this lady out here. she's got vagina problems. Okay, Lizbeth, thank you. You know what? I have had quite enough. at this time, I have no choice as the hour is getting late, But mark my words. in the future, I will be purchasing my long-lasting vaginal moisturizing creams for my vagina elsewhere. So you're gonna buy it or what? Yes, um, I only have a hundred dollar bill. can you make change? Oh, no, I'm sorry. you have anything smaller? All right, all right. Jeez louise. here you go, Lizbeth.
I sure was mad. it's like a lot of our customers are mad though. I hope we don't go out of business. Oh, don't you worry, Lizbeth. we're not going anywhere. as long as people have floppy wing-wangs and dried out hoo-hahs and itchy hiney-holes, I'll be here to get them their medicine. we got a lot of nasty sons of bitches in this neighborhood. we sure do, Lizbeth. we sure do. Walgreens. we keep your creepy stuff private. thanks for watching. |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_all_going_according_to_plan_ | Just check the West Hall. No sign of anyone... False alarm. Sector 12 is clear. On my way back. This is Six. I need you to unlock the West Hall Gate. Everything's going according to me.
Oh my god! What the heck? Doug, are you okay? Where are your clothes? Somebody tried to knock me out. What? I think they took them off my body. Holy shit!
Tyler, get the guns. Oh man, do you think it's because they needed clothes bad, or like, to wear as for a disguise? Yeah, I think he's going to put them on to pretend like he's me, or pretend like he works here. Dang, it's just like Hitman. No, take the .50 cal.
It's bigger here. Thanks. I'm just wondering why he took your clothes. You're like the smallest guy here. No offense. It's okay. I'm secure about my size. I'm just glad he let me keep my pants. Dang, he probably brought his own pants.
This guy's a pro. Is it a flamethrower? Well, assuming he makes the outfit work, we still know exactly what our faces look like. I mean, we've worked at this weapons manufacturing facility for years. Designate target. What if he has a face printer?
What? Like a Mission Impossible face printer that prints out faces. What?
I think it's fine that movie's not real. Okay, but the stunts are real. Tom Cruise does all the stunts, and he's like 60.
Wow. Have you seen Top Gun? Can we talk about our favorite movies later?
I just realized I lost my daughter's ballet shoes. Check under that snake launcher. Nothing here. Maybe you dropped them when he grabbed you.
I don't know, but we can ask that son of a bitch when we find him. Right before we kill him.
Come on, guys. Let's not split up. Hey! New guy! Put some pants on and help us find the intruder. He could be anywhere, so stay on your t- Okay, good work. Keep it up.
Okay, after this, let's go watch Top Gun. Or Mission Impossible. Uh, maybe. Wait! I googled it. Tom Cruise is 61.
Wow! This is six. I need you to unlock the West Hall Gate. What the fuck? We have merch! No, give me your wallets. I'm dead serious. Head to wizardswithguns.shop or click the link in the description. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_240_Nance_Haxton_The_Wandering_Journo | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall and Errol Parker.
It's a wonderful time of the year, it's a time for catching up, a time for feasting, a time for probably going back home to the local pub and hearing people say you've done well for yourself haven't you? Well I'm just glad that it's stopped raining here in the Diamantina for a change, still pretty cold though. Still pretty chilly but you know who knows, the southerly has been up for months and months and months, it's the coldest December I can remember and I'm hearing the same thing right around the country. But you know one thing I do regardless of this unseasonal weather, one thing I do love about this time of the year is all of the yarns you can hear and all the yarns that you share and all of the things you learn about this world from catching up with friends and family, you know you've got relatives who are doing different things with their life and you've got you know, especially nowadays you've also got an uncle informing you about things that you know you might not know because it's not reported in the mainstream media, you've got a lot of conspiracies. You do have that and you've also got a lot of travel time if you're lucky enough to be travelling for Christmas I mean and there's one thing that comes hand in hand with travelling especially for me and that's I've finally got time to catch up on all the podcasts and audio books that I've been putting off for the whole year. Yeah and you know it is interesting because you can catch up on certain stories, things for you know that you might not usually be into but you've got a long road ahead of you, you've got a long drive ahead of you and you're tuning in and today's guest has done a bit of both, found a lot of different yarns and done a lot of travelling, we've got the Wandering Journo, Nance Haxson thank you for joining us. Thank you Errol, it's wonderful to be here, Petuta's really turned on the weather for me in the couple of days I've been in town yes, had floods, gales, goodness. Now you're working on actually speaking of weather patterns and you know and the landscape you're working on a, well you've just completed a new podcast series which we'll get into a minute about water which I've been looking into and I'm learning a lot but I realised Nance that I've learned a lot from you over the years you know with or without knowing you were behind it, you are two times Walkley winner. Thank you, you're my best PR person. Can you please tell me where it all began for the Wandering Journo? Oh goodness yes absolutely, I can remember even when it was about nine that I wanted to be a journalist, I think you know I do talk a lot but I think my mum would remember I always had that sense of justice and that yeah the world just wasn't always right so what could I do about that, a lot of that came from my brother who's got an intellectual disability and I spent a lot of time kind of translating what he's trying to say to people and I've seen a lot of improvement but right from the word go I just saw that storytelling was a really good way of explaining things to people without hitting them over their heads with it yeah. So you can tell us you know obviously you've got that hunger for the story that hasn't been told or needs to be told and you've got that hunger for keeping the bastards honest which is key to you know the Fourth Estate and you know you would know as well as we do here but Toota there's not many of us doing it in this day and age there's not many of us left it's true and there's an endless source of those stories Now how did you get into it, how did you launch, were you in the days of cadetships, were you in the days of go rural, like how did it start for you? Oh having to sell your soul and Oh that's still an ongoing thing And post up at News Corp The freedom of freelance is wonderful but yes is it terribly you know do it well I make my fortune not at this point but yeah I did a lot of work experience a lot of free work experience when I was at QUT in Brisbane so I grew up in Brisbane but yeah a lot of relatives in Murgon and so a lot of time spent out there in the South Burnett and yeah so I wasn't afraid of going out country so when that opportunity came I got my first job with the ABC at Port Augusta and that was really where I remember thinking Right down there on Australia's Amalfi Coast Exactly I remember thinking oh maybe it's a bit like Noosa you know it's near the water Overlooking the Antarctic Yeah it was but I'm so glad I went that was really that was the start of you know learning my craft really and I think there is an aspect of journalism that is still a craft much as we go to uni to get the qualifications and yeah getting to know the Adna Mutna people there who just taught me so much about how to do good journalism with Indigenous First Nations people and that it takes a lot of time I think I learned that you've really got to learn to you know you might have deadlines but other people don't so it's working around that yeah Yeah that is a great way of looking at journalism you've got deadlines but other people don't They'll get round to telling you this story when they're ready but you need them to tell it now Absolutely and this this podcast that we've just finished I think is a good example of that it's was disrupted by the spicy cough like so many things but we got there in the ends took a couple of years but I'm really proud of the stories that we've brought out and a lot that I hadn't heard before I feel like I've got a PhD in water now Yeah yeah Making Waves is the name of the podcast for five episodes and again I want to get into to the intricacies of what you've kind of learned and what you've had taught to you and what you've been able to share alongside Indigenous people but from certain mobs you know that are based around water and country with you know where that is such an important part of being and a part of you know their stories but the storytelling that you have kind of been awarded for and have been you know built a name on is very diverse I kind of want to talk to you about some of these different yarns that you've been able to tell over the years namely you know back to 2001 I guess you're still down in South Australia at this point Woomera Yes and Woomera indeed I remember driving up there through the Gibber Plains after hearing the news on the police scanner That was how it went That's how we heard about it Please can you break it down for us? So it's a fairly long drive from Port Augusta all the way into the heart of South Australia isn't it? Yeah and it's hypnotising that Gibber Plain it's beautiful but boy there's not much there right so you just I remember I'd have to pull over and have a kip basically for 10-15 minutes every single time so here I am biggest story of my life and I'm pretty sure that I pulled over to have a kip so that I didn't overturn the ABC vehicle that wouldn't have been a good look so yeah so got up there and Woomera is a very ex files little town basically really quite secretive and I couldn't get anyone to talk to me and I knew that there was something happening at the detention centre but it was just trying to figure out what that was so I went up to the local petrol station and he was the only guy who would talk to me the petrol station guy full bodied hats on the face as well so I was pretty proud that I you know wasn't haunted by this you know all the experiences that I've had and he said I said oh you know could I could I get up on your roof and see what's going on he's like sure love so yeah and that's where I did a lot of my live crosses to World Today and for ABC radio and ended up reporting there for 24 hours once I got a bit of a feel for it and saw the water cannon being used in Australia for the first time it's sort of it's really amazing to remember that now and how much has changed really with that whole refugee detention situation they took it off shore after that yeah they went this is we don't want these chicks sitting up on top of petrol stations telling people what's going on we'll make it a bit harder and were the the protesters there at that point no not really it was really the first time so yeah it was pretty much me and a lot of journos racing up from Adelaide so I had to jump on them so that was good wow yeah so I guess that that was what put in place the eventual Woomera kind of you know exactly convoy that came out and and and busted down the fence exactly yes exactly and and then the Baxter detention centre in Port Augusta yeah it said all of that in trains so really amazing too it kind of indicated my choice to go really remote and go out back and let alone the friends you make in these places you've got friends for life you know I know that I could ride through there and see my Adna Mutnamates and be like yeah how you going yeah it's been 15 years but nobody cares so and the Flinders rangers you know they're just so stunning and that desert country is everybody should see it there's more to more to Australia than Uluru and the great dividing range beautiful as those are yeah no no there's something I know what you're saying about the part of the world there's something as you said hypnotic so so beautiful that you can kind of just feel like you're gliding out of your windshield and fall asleep yeah unless you're behind a b-double or b-triple those ones were fun never overtake those on the road yeah I think I hit three kangaroos in the time I was out there oh it was awful but that was one of the first things that I was told when I moved into Port Augusta I think they could see this bohemian girl and just said love if if a kangaroo jumps in front of your car you've got to hit it keep going you just don't swear that it's either you or the kangaroo mate I'll let that pretty quickly yeah all the time I guess that's the collateral isn't it of that breaking those yarns with the poor buggers yeah now you did have been on blackbirding you reported on that which I find quite interesting it's very much entering the mainstream of Australian kind of media right now the story with black snow it's about to launch on Stan exactly it's a murder mystery set up in you know central Queensland coast so exciting I went to the launch of it the other night in Brisbane yeah it was really exciting oh I'm guessing the community were out there and and oh it was beautiful you know all of the Australian South Sea Islanders and in the cast of which there are many which is incredible and none had acted before so you know just that ring ring of authenticity and but all the family there and just the excitement it was absolutely buzzing you know everyone was yelling and whooping and when the when they played the first episode as well like yeah you know yeah every time one of their rallies came on it was just really cool like it was great to see this story finally being told like in a pop culture sense yeah and hopefully more people will hear what's going on well blackbirding is is a part of Australian history that's up until now rarely spoken about what was your first experience sort of getting into the history of blackbirding in this country I reckon I almost knew more about it growing up and I think that's what intrigued me about it my dad would tell me about blackbirding and connectors as they were known and perhaps not so much now but yeah that that he went to school with some was he from up that way yeah he was from Cleveland so down the redlands very country when he was there yeah yeah yeah it was a sleepy old town oh yeah not like now where there's not much of that soil left but lots of houses but yeah and I just knew more about it then and it's like 20 years you didn't hear a thing about it and as a journal you keep these stories in your back pocket until you get a bit of a hook as you know that comes along and I remember just thinking one day I'll do this for the world today you know this is such a big important national story it's not just a Queensland or a yeah issue well as we know it got it went as far as list more I mean I'm sure it went even further south absolutely there's a really big community around the tweet um Beaudesert as well Mackay yeah Rocky but yeah I was really lucky to get in with the uh Bundaberg crew they were they were really generous with me and just uh I'll never forget walking through that that grave site that uh they had of uh the connectors who weren't allowed to be buried in the the townspeople with the other townspeople at Bundy and how they just wanted their story to be known more widely I mean this is uh even now there could be people listening to this that aren't very familiar with the history but it was you know uh I'm not even sure if it was part of what you'd be able to tell me wasn't necessarily part of the white Australia policy it was there was definitely an aspect of that yeah where the Melanesian and Pacific Islanders of many different kind of backgrounds were brought to Australia is effectively indentured labor and in many circumstances yeah slavery that under false pre-stances they were yeah and how were you exploring this story were you telling it as a history sense or were you unveiling a bit well the hook that came along of all things was Donald Trump um who would have thought that black burning and Donald Trump could come together but I don't know if you remember when they were sort of there was a big debate in the US about Confederate statues and pulling all them down um whether that was appropriate or not and so I remember ringing my EP after sitting on this story for years my executive producer and going oh yeah you know I've got this got some talent who could talk about this and there's this you know bloke called Robert Towns who established Townsville who uh was a pretty notorious black birder yeah whether we could be doing a story on that and they said yep we want it today so in three hours I had to get all that together and and it just showed me that it just touched the surface of releasing that story and that that was when I started working on it as a doco yeah yeah town's town as you'd say in French yeah and yeah it definitely it's been interesting I mean Mackay as well a lot of these places up the coast named after prolific black burning families and it's exactly I don't like to do parallels to American history but it is exactly the same yeah because you're going to be met with the same backlash if you consider at least removing the revisionism around these names at least kind of explaining to the kids what these names you know come from and who they who they uh you know who they're named after you still make backlash even if you just want to talk about let alone change it so yeah and then you know only two years later during the black lives matters protests scott morrison gets up and says we've never had slavery in this country go it was it's mentioned so often it was mentioned at the big debut for black snow the other night like people just still have a pretty seething anger about it just the ignorance of that but I think it shows that Australia has not come to terms with its slavery history essentially yeah now from there you um I mean you've worked on a whole lot of things you're the wandering journal now you're freelancers so you're not necessarily um you know at risk of rolling an abc van anywhere no just my own yeah just my combi but that's that's if it's working so well usually like like how old's a combi 1974 bay window so there is uh there is there is no danger in rolling that thing it's very true it's just like yes driving a big brick yeah I think that's a brick and if you did you did manage you'd keep going and end up back on your wheels again and keep moving yeah it's true yeah um how did you find yourself talking and writing about water making waves as a as we mentioned the top your newest podcast series how did you find yourself there and and what was the hook for you there oh it was just I was really lucky that I was approached by the woman who conceptualized the the podcast and who hosted it mania islands through contacts I suppose sometimes linkedin isn't so bad yeah I was actually just so pleasantly surprised and of course it all started and covid disrupted it and but I'm so pleased that it's just it's come together I'm just this wonderful sense of relief and I hadn't listened to them for a couple of months till I came down for the launch and to meet with you guys at patuta but um I'm really proud of it yeah wonderful to hear just these lesser heard perspectives about water particularly from our first nations people yeah there was one part in that that I really uh had a good think about is that the concept of wetlands they're like the kidneys for our ecosystem it beggars belief how we treat them yes and um just each episode really talks about that wonderful holistic view that indigenous people have about water and the sense of place that water can't be moved it's an ancestral being essentially like that there's this really interesting battle to have that recognized that then something like the Fitzroy River in Broome would be recognized as a national park because of its significance of where it is and you can't just take all the water and put it somewhere else or so you can imagine water rights and water licenses are just a huge it's such a difficult concept for first nations people because they want access to it but it's kind of against really almost their entire ethos so yeah yeah it's speaking to a couple of people who really explain how they've been able to use their water rights in environmental flows and really interesting aspect of that as someone who did a bit of time in Broken Hill I'm sure you've gone as far as seeing Burke right you've been out to Burke oh goodness I don't think I got to Burke I used to have a big weekend at Mildura every now and then you know when Broken Hill just wasn't big enough I would drive three hours down the highway and dodge the emus and sit at the kangaroos well I mean Mildura's got a similar story as does a lot of the Riverina but one thing I always look at at Burke because when you go to Burke you want to stay near the river and there's a whole line of hotels there and there is a platform there for the steamboats yes which even now I know we've had a lot of rain and you can argue what you want about you know irrigation is not that bad because look how good the rivers are looking right now after a year full of unseasonal rain but I don't even think now it would get anywhere near that platform was they used to have a harbour at Burke I mean like incredible the pub there on on the park there that's you know it's called the Port of Burke hotel yeah and that was where the paddle steamers used to come up from South Australia and come up through the Darling it got almost to the point where that was such an important commerce route down the Darling River that when we were coming together to choose where the capital should be one of them was the town of Wentworth which is on the confluence of the Murray and the Darling for those playing at home so yeah the capital of Australia could well have been halfway between Adelaide and Melbourne on two of the most powerful rivers in the country I did get to Brewarrina yeah and that I would always think that when I was there just this incredible ditch basically that had nothing in it that had paddle steamers not that long ago they used to run freight they used to run freight all the way down there yeah and it's funny that actually you mentioned Broken Hill because Joe Flynn one of the people we interviewed he he was the head of water the water authority for Broken Hill for a long time that was one of his big regrets that just the water even for the townspeople let alone it had been degraded for many years around Menindee Lakes and all the rest of it but it was just undrinkable yeah and what can you do you know you can only recycle something so many times I suppose well they built a pipeline from like Pomona on the Darling up to Broken Hill just a couple years ago which I don't think they were too happy about in South Australia because you know that's just more water that's being pinched yes before they're allowed to have their lake Alexandra yeah Rogatta which is agriculture better to use this water or a sailing event when I was in Adelaide doing current affairs for ABC I used to call it my monthly River Murray's fucked yarn because there was always something there was it was never really working so another endless stream of stories that's that's that's one thing about water I mean it's you go to go through some of these towns you don't even have to go to some of these towns you can go you know just rural Australia in general as you said Broken Hill you know the mayor will wear that forever you know and and it just gets everyone so hot-blooded this conversation around water I don't I mean I haven't I haven't listened all the way through I haven't got to episode five but obviously the there's a whole range of different stories and and grievances the indigenous community would have with how water is shared and distributed in this country as you said before not really a concept they're familiar with distributing water that runs through a river but then you go down to Griffith and you look at some of those town meetings they had about water licenses and they were burning effigies and yeah you know threatening I mean I know they I know one particular family threatened to bury Tony Burke alive when he was the Ag Minister under Julia it they just get so worked up about it and and of course everyone's got a different angle everyone's got a different opinion of what what should be happening with this water cotton farmers may tell you one thing and I imagine it's very different to what the indigenous people are telling us you're working on telling the stories that we don't really hear in this whole debate we hear about the irrigators we hear about the national party politicians we hear about you know the people who want to run a boat or have a race what did you learn first and foremost in in terms of this particular issue we're talking about irrigation what is the indigenous perspective that you've been you know hearing and and documenting yeah well they're the stories that I get so excited about that I feel that aren't just haven't got that traction that haven't really been heard and the one I think from this that I think really has stayed with me and it's in the first episode but it talks about Aquinalius so a lot of people have heard about Terra nullius yeah of course and Mabo and um it makes me think of another great podcast actually from my friend Rhianna Patrick called Hi I'm Eddie she talks goes into great detail about that Terra nullius and the family but there's Aquinalius as well so there's that whole concept that legal fiction basically that you know that Britain assumed that Aboriginal people did not have ownership of water either and that underpins all legislation to do with water so uh yeah Dr Virginia Marshall was the lady we interviewed about that she's written an amazing book about overturning Aquinalius and but the ramifications of that it's kind of like taking out the you know the absolutely pivotal kind of it's hard to describe but like a a thread in a tapestry and that whole thing would come undone like it's quite an incredible economies and legacies yeah it would certainly put an end to uh irrigated cotton absolutely almonds almonds macadamia yes poor old Riverland yeah how many you need a gallon of water per nap I think it is exactly and that that's the sadness that brings for Aboriginal people to see that um water being used that way there's like catastrophic moments in recent history um that I'd say involving the water during the drought you know there was a lot of scary images of the Murray darling you know not only is it not raining but the water's not flying I wonder why that is there's dams all around the place that are filled up with that water there were moments and there were four corners on it when there were you know blue-blooded cotton farmers sons were getting done on social media bragging about how much water they'd stolen you know we've got all that kind of money yeah and exactly how they'd done it yeah I've heard a few things myself apparently a few big frozen fish get stuck in various gate catchments around some of the irrigated areas rock hard frozen fish would you believe it yep so you get a lot of water until that becomes unstuck yeah yeah and then and then you had the fish kills like that I mean that that would tear at the heart of this this you know this kind of um I'm not sure how you described it before but there's the river as an organism in the eyes of the Aboriginal people well like say for example like a Murray cod is a very slow growing animal and when these fish kills were happening you'd see a Murray cod the size of this table on the surface of the water and god knows how long that fish had been in that river for and now just through two little bits of mismanagement you've killed hundreds of them absolutely yes no then Anne Paulina who was part of the launch which was wonderful professor Anne Paulina she's world renowned but she was she was the one who speaks of the rivers as ancestral beings basically granting them personhood that that's actually a central part of fixing these legal fictions that underpins so much assumptions of how water can be used and that are worth millions and millions of dollars as well as all the the fish kills and things that eventuate from this mismanagement so it's about reframing the language around it from vandalism to abuse would you say is it in a very cooperative yarning way yes and bringing everyone to the table I think that's we've got quite a few interviews with water authorities and they're the ones who actually funded the podcast as well so you know I think that's it's really to be commended for them to to be having these conversations and to really look at how do we unravel this and how do we have a fairer environment for all yeah how do we recognize the environment properly is there a history on these water licenses when did that first drop was that Penny Wong the wall the concept of water licenses is older than the hills it's just that like 50 60 years ago you could take water until there was none left where now it's more of a modern thing now that that we have the concept of environmental flows cultural flows and things like that but in terms of like where we've come from the the birth of water licenses in this country to where we are now it's it's night and day but it's certainly not good enough yes and just getting more acknowledgement of the importance of cultural flows as part of water licenses as well do you feel like there's a mobilization amongst communities now or I mean or is this something that's always been they've always been fighting for yeah or is this coinciding with these kind of greater kind of conversations around a voice I think so I think there are some benefits from that yeah I mean even in the 30 years that I've been a jenna pardon me I've definitely noticed that that conversation is changing it's not all solved obviously but boy people are a lot more open to at least discussing it which to me is quite a first nations approach it's going to take a long time but let's at least talk about it yeah well you know it's it's a it's a very interesting thing it's like you know I feel like water particularly water in as in a how do you say it's celestial ancestral and no no ancestral being yeah yeah I feel like I mean that might be the words we've been looking for the whole time because people love going down to the river black or white they love heading down there there is a spirituality there yeah yeah totally yeah and and you can see why it it causes so much um you know so much emotion uh when when when discussing these things it's it's a lot like and they're so anxious or sun or you know these these different um yeah very different but very integral kind of elements to life I said the countryside here is the oldest in the world and these big rivers have been here for millions and millions of years absolutely and it was great we we went all around Australia for these stories from Broome to Tailsford and Victoria and all these lovely bubbling springs down there and I went up to Cairns with the Manningal Bayadindji mob and spoke to them up there sort of between the the freshwater coming down through the rainforest and the Barrier Reef and but this oh just stunning country just such a privilege to be there but all of them spoke about the importance and that the the treasure that they have in their heart for water and their where they live it was like they were speaking about the same thing but in all of these different places yeah so that was that showed me the importance of what we're doing there's a real value in that that cannot be encapsulated in money yeah for sure well we look forward I look forward to getting through the rest of this you know and thank you for joining us to talk about it today Nance congratulations on everything you've done Woomera from blackbirding to to water I mean I know you've written many many many pieces in between that but you know these are all things that most people listening to this can remember where they were or can remember that moment in their life when they learnt this thing be that blackbirding or be that Woomera these are stories we might not have heard without you you know in 2022 so water's next on the agenda and I'm going to get to the bottom of that this Christmas on the road thanks thank you |
dropout | hardly_working_you_ll_never_guess | Sam, Sam, I was just in Ricky's office. I got a look at some of the personnel files.
You will never guess what Streeter makes in a year. Oh man, you wouldn't say anything unless it was a lot. So what is it, like, 30 billion dollars? No, well, no. It's like 80,000, but that's like a lot for his position, I thought. Yeah. Anyway, I saw Ricky's driver's license. You would never guess how old he is. Oh man, you wouldn't say anything unless he was really old.
What is he, like 112? No, he's not 112. We both know him. He's not 112. He's 29, though, which is, I thought, older than the rest of us.
Yeah, I guess. Anyway, you'll never guess what was in his front desk drawer. A rare Egyptian scarab beetle wrapped in women's underwear? No, what does that even mean? Okay, whatever.
I'm going to Neptune? Neptune? How am I going to get to Neptune?
Carrot? What the fuck is wrong with you? Bubonic plague?
No, I'm going to the conference room. The conference room. You'll never guess what they're doing in there.
Oh, let me guess. They're all topless, reenacting the final climactic scene to a few good men. You can't handle the truth. Son, we live in a world that has walls, and we need men with guns to protect those walls. Who's going to do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago when you curse the Marines. You have that luxury, the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use them as a backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom which I provide, and then questions the matter in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I'd suggest you pick up a rifle and stand and post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.
Did you order the code right? I did, my friend. Did you order the code right? I did!
Oh! You're acting, Patrick. Trying to. You're acting. Just act. That's all you have to do. It's not that hard. |
dropout | part_of_your_drinking_world | Look at this stuff, isn't it sweet?
Wouldn't you think my life is complete? Wouldn't you think I'm a girl with access to everything?
Look at this bull, treasures untold How many wonders can one dorm room hold? Looking around here you think, sure, she's got everything I've got fatties and pain pills aplenty I've got uppers and downers galore You want Ritalin?
I've got 20 But who cares, no big deal at the door We never seem to get very far He wants to see, wants to see some ID Feeling around with them, uh, I forgot it Aww, thanks Not 21, hang outside the bar There's got to be someone who looks just like me Hey, that guy might work, could you pass back? Please Look at this card, does it seem fake? Is that a stamp we can replicate? Come on, please, in Europe we'd be part of that world What would I trade if only they'd change the drinking age? What would I pay for a good fake that could scan?
What if I say I'm from Japan? I photocopied my passport page It was stolen Guess I'm going, we're here for the bad There's nothing to do, please, just let us through Outside around here, it's like a ghost town We'll all have to go back to Don't say it School When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, love to explore That world full of drums? Need an ID So I can be Part of that world Oh, let's just get some beers at the Korean deli Yeah, that's a good idea Sounds good, let's do it If only they'd change the drinking age What would I pay for a good fake that could scan? What if I say I'm from Japan? I photocopied my passport page It was stolen Guess I'm going, we're here for the bad There's nothing to do, please, just let us through Outside around here, it's like a ghost town We'll all have to go back to Don't say it School When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, love to explore That world full of drums? Need an ID So I can be Part of that world Let's just get some beers at the Korean deli Yeah, that's a good idea Sounds good, let's do it |
cracked | why_hollywood_can_lose_billions_still_make_terrible_movies | Hollywood's notoriously bad at identifying what people actually like about movies. That's why after Star Wars was released in 1977 and kicked the teeth out of every pocketbook in America, Tinseltown spent the next decade just tossing terrible science fiction movies at the wall, with no real understanding of why none of it was working.
Uh, space? Is it space? No? F*** it. Lasers? Uh, robots? You like magic? What? What is it?
Consequently, there are several lessons that the mainstream film industry just can't seem to learn, despite us as audiences doing everything we can to try and teach them. For instance, people want comedy starring women. A few months back, Melissa McCarthy's The Boss opened to a strong box office, despite being one of the worst-reviewed movies of the year. Even worse than Batman v Superman, but not currently as bad as Ice Age V, when is the s*** gonna melt? Her previous movie, Tammy, also got generally bad reviews, but went on to make $100 million worth of genuine, spendable money. So clearly, the audience for female-led comedies not only exists, but is so starved for content that even objectively bad movies can do well. Because Hollywood refuses to make more than like two of them a year.
No shortage of Zac Efron comedies, though. We are in the golden age of Efron.
I just smoke crack! We need somebody who can relate to stupid young people.
There's no reason Paul Feig and Melissa McCarthy should be the only game in town. Every time they make a movie together, we pelt them with cash. Bridesmaids, Spy, The Heat, are all $100 million successes. Pitch Perfect and Pitch Perfect 2 also do huge numbers. Pitch Perfect 2 opened the same weekend as Mad Max Fury Road, and brought in nearly twice as much money. Mad Max had nitro trucks, and a man in a rubber glove playing a flaming guitar, but we were way more excited to see the continuing adventures of Anna Kendrick and her delightful friends because we so rarely get to have that experience.
Related to that, one of the only female-led comedies released this year is Ghostbusters, and if Ghostbusters winds up underperforming, which it currently looks like it might, at least stateside, the lesson Hollywood will almost certainly take away is that women can't headline big-budget movies. And not that maybe spending $150 million remaking one of the most famous movies of all time wasn't the greatest idea. Incidentally, that's two and a half times what it costs to make both original Ghostbusters films. There's probably a lesson there, too.
Conversely, if a big-budget movie starring an ensemble cast of women does really well, Hollywood catches f***ing mind-blindness and forgets it ever happens. Quick, what's the highest grossing baseball movie ever made? It's A League of Their Own, a movie starring Gina Davis, Lori Petty, Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, and like 10 scenes of drunk Tom Hanks. In the two and a half decades since, we have seen like zero major studio sports movies about teams of women.
They got Whippet in 2009. Other than that, it's a wasteland.
Certain genres just don't make money. Maybe don't spend $200 million on a Western. Westerns used to be like one of two different kinds of movies they made in Hollywood. Every other movie that came out between 1920 and 1960 starred John Wayne and or white actors dressed up as Native Americans. I'm not even sure they were called Westerns back then. They were just regular movies. But Americans abruptly stopped giving one grizzled Sam Elliott mustache fart about Westerns in the second half of the 20th century. And it's been a risky genre ever since.
The highest grossing Western ever made was Dances with Wolves. And that film's success was largely due to the fact that it cost like $20 million to make and we were still okay with the idea of giving Kevin Costner Oscars instead of sending him off to die in a tornado. That's the thing. Westerns have never been huge box office draws, even back when they were cranking them out like iTunes updates. I think the last time a Western was number one at the box office. It almost never happens. Hidalgo, Appaloosa, Tombstone, Treetenduyuma, Quiggly Down Under, Costner's Follow-Up Western, Wyatt Earp, the recurring confirmation that Western comedies almost never work a million ways to die in the West, none of these movies were big hits. So naturally, Disney dumped $200 million into a Lone Ranger movie. No Western movie in history has ever grossed $200 million domestically. Closest ones were the True Grit remake, which pulled in $175 million, and Dances with Wolves, which came out 26 goddamn years ago. The two most successful Westerns ever made, combined, cost less money to produce than Disney spent to shelter and feed Johnny Depp and apply his Glenn Danzig face paint.
Speaking of Johnny Depp and too much money, before 2003 pirate movies were box office poison. Film students kept copies of Roman Polanski's Pirates on their desks, like shards from the Challenger explosion, warning them against the dangers of dreaming too big. Children hung copies of Cutthroat Island above their beds to catch nightmares. If you brought either of those films into a blockbuster, they would instantly erase every other tape in the store, like a haunted magnet.
But Disney poured $100 million into their pirate movie anyway, and cast Johnny Depp and Jeffrey Rush as the two most captively entertaining pirates in cinematic history. And Hollywood mistakenly thought that it was the $100 million side of that equation that resulted in the film's success. Judging by The Lone Ranger, Disney thought the winning recipe was $100 million and Johnny Depp. People would have watched those two characters play Bat Gammon on a tugboat through a black and white kinetoscope if the writing was good enough. See, money doesn't create interest, it just makes interesting things look better.
Also, with very few exceptions, fantasy movies never do well. Swords, goblins, and wizards are super expensive. And unless your movie has hobbits in it, it's pretty much a guarantee you're gonna lose money. Dragonheart, Dragon Slayer, Dragon War, pretty much anything with dragons in it, really. The answer isn't to stop making fantasy movies, of course, because Game of Thrones is one of the biggest cultural phenomena ever. But we should definitely stop making King Arthur movies.
And maybe stop making Peter Pan movies? Nobody cares about Peter Pan. There are certain literary characters like Peter Pan and Tarzan that are more or less universally recognized, but with the notable exception of two Disney cartoons, no Peter Pan or Tarzan movie has ever sold enough tickets to justify dumping several inheritances into. Not even Hook was a runaway hit, and Steven Spielberg directing Robin Williams as Peter Pan is probably the best possible version of that movie. There was a well-reviewed, but overwhelmingly unattended, $100 million Peter Pan movie that came out back in 2003, but apparently, nobody in Hollywood read that particular legend because they spent even more money on a hilarious Hugh Jackman Whig version just last year. And nobody saw it, because still, nobody cares about Peter Pan.
And fucking Tarzan hasn't moved the needle since movies have been in color. Just leave those guys alone, man.
It's really just the one Teenage Apocalypse movie that everyone likes. It was recently announced that the fourth and final film in the Special Teen Saves the World Divergent series would be released as a made-for-TV movie, because people around the world had gradually stopped caring to the point of barely showing up for the third one. Similarly, movies like The Host, The Giver, Ender's Game, The Maze Runner, and probably like six others that I'm forgetting, failed to ignite the collective imagination of movie goers everywhere, which confounded everyone in Hollywood trying to get a piece of that sweet, sweet Hunger Games pie, or loaf, or whatever that fabulous baker boy gives to Jennifer Lawrence.
This happens in cycles all the time, because Hollywood has yet to figure out that people like stories, not genres. Fans of Jaws didn't pour out to see Grizzly, Orca, or Piranha, because they're not fans of killer animal movies, they're fans of Jaws. Harry Potter fans didn't flock to go see The Spiderwick Chronicles or a series of unfortunate events, because they're not fans of magic children, they're fans of Harry Potter. And buying I'm a fan of magic children t-shirt from Amazon is a good way to get your computer taken away by federal agents. Hollywood always mistakes successes for trends. People like good stories and memorable characters. The genre is incidental. Few people rush out to see a movie just because they love the genre.
What was the first thing Disney did in the wake of the staggeringly unexpected success of Pirates of the Caribbean? Besides immediately greenlight enough sequels and action figures to convince future plane-striding alien archaeologists that the currency of the early 21st century was pirate-themed merchandise. Don't bother pestering Google at this hour, I'll tell you what they did. They dumped everything they had into the impending release of the haunted mansion, because they felt this was a sure sign that what the world really wanted was to watch movies about Disneyland attractions. Despite the sobering truth that previous blood sacrifice's mission to Mars and the country bears had desperately struggled to reveal to them. This isn't even a genre that exists, and Disney still felt confident it was ripe for exploitation because exploitation is a lens through which Disney experiences the world.
Deadpool convinced Hollywood we want R-rated superhero movies. Deadpool is like the perfect storm of people refusing to learn the correct lesson from watching a movie. Sort of like watching School of Rock and having your big takeaway be how easy it would be to steal a bus full of children. The writers, director and star Ryan Reynolds had to argue for literally years to get the movie greenlit.
And even then they had their already-trimmed for a superhero movie budget cut back even more in the middle of filming. It was all fine. The movie turned out great.
It's one of the biggest movies of the year. It's the top-grossing R-rated film of all time after Passion of the Christ. It's weird that that's number one.
However, because major movie studios base all their decisions on easily explainable numbers and trends while possessing all the actual wisdom of boiled mayonnaise, Hollywood took Deadpool's success as a sign that what audiences are really hungry for are R-rated superhero movies. Ignoring the fact that R-rated superhero movies already exist, Punisher, The Blade Trilogy, Watchmen, Daredevil and Jessica Jones, Fox's immediate response to the runaway success of Deadpool was to announce that the next Wolverine movie would carry a money-printing R-rating. Clearly we haven't seen everything we can see of Wolverine after seven movies. Those PG-13s have been holding us back from the authentic Wolverine experience we deserve. Deadpool was a success because it was different. It cost like a fourth of any Avengers or Batman-related movie so it didn't look the same because it couldn't afford to.
The script was weird and kind of experimental. It tries a lot of things that don't always work and its main character constantly shuffles between obnoxious and endearing. It's a bizarre, frenetic little movie that made fun of itself but not to the point of calling you stupid for watching it.
It couldn't have been the best version of all those things without an R-rating. What we're going to get out of an R-rated Wolverine movie is lingering shots of the graphic violence we already know he inflicts on people. Warner Brothers released an R-rated cut of Batman v. Superman on Blu-ray, which is a movie that in its PG-13 version features a scene where a man pees at a jar to let Holly Hunter know she's about to explode. And we watch Batman spend weeks meticulously planning the murder of a public figure. Point is, we don't like R-rated superhero movies. We like that specific R-rated superhero movie. Nobody wants an R-rated Superman or Captain America. Batman movies already take themselves so damn seriously that I'm amazed he's even able to fight crime while burdened by all that angst.
Pfft. More like sad, man. Am I right?
High five, Tom. Proud of what we've done here. Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching this video. |
SaturdayNightLive | blackjack_s_bitch_saturday_night_live | Hey, Blackjack. Psst. Blackjack, you awake? who is that? it's me, Aaron.
Oh, hey, man. what's wrong with you? you having trouble sleeping? yeah. a little bit. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? go ahead. don't you think the food here is bad?
Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man? Oh, Blackjack, you know me too well. Okay. I'll just ask it then. just something that's been on my mind for a while, and maybe I'm just insecure, but. am I still your bitch? What kind of silly question is that? Of course, you still my bitch. Really? you're not just saying that because you know I want to hear it? No, man. I'm not just saying that. I mean, everybody knows that, man. you blackjack's bitch. huh? I mean, that's the way it's always been, and as far as I know, that's the way it's always going to be. ain't nothing going to change that. as far as you know? Yeah, that's what I said. why are you looking at my mind?
Why are you looking at me all crazy, man? what does as far as you know mean? Look, I don't know, man. I just said it, man. why are you acting all crazy? I don't know.
I just feel crazy sometimes. like I'm going to do something crazy. I just feel like you're very distant from me sometimes.
Hey, man. what's going on? Why y'all making all that noise?
Oh, I'm sorry, Bobo. it's my fault.
Aaron, look, Aaron is acting all crazy and everything like that, man. he wants to know if I still consider him my bitch. Oh, come on, man. everybody knows that Aaron is blackjack's bitch. are you serious? people still say that? Oh, all the time. See, that's what I'm saying, man. I say that just to be nice to me, the God of honest truth, man. plain and simple, you my bitch. blackjack really means it, Aaron. Oh, Choco, did I wake you up too? Oh, man. I feel awful. it's all right, Aaron. I know blackjack for a long time. longer than anybody. longer than Bobo. longer than Doubleman. and even longer than Little Joe. And believe me, when he makes you his bitch, it's forever. until he kills you. straight up, you dumb white piece of ass.
Hey, easy, Bobo. I do not like you. you know what? I really sit down and think about it. I think I just feel insecure, because I watch you blackjack, and you're sitting here talking with Choco and Bobo, and you guys are laughing it up and having a great time, and then you don't talk the same way to me, and it feels weird, really. Hey, look, man, let me give it to you straight, man. Sure, I have a good time with Bobo and Choco and everything, and we laugh it up, and we talk about prison stories that are both entertaining and grisly.
But the thing about it is, I don't rap to them like I rap to you, but do I buy them presents? huh? who's the guy that got you the toothbrush with the razor blade on the end of it? huh? you can't buy me. I did buy you. I bought you from Hector for 30 cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.
You're right. hey, man, look, look, man, look. in the end, Aaron, you're always gonna be my bitch, Okay? And ain't nobody till I kill your ass.
Oh, blackjack. I sometimes don't know what to do with me. thanks for being so real, man. no problem. Now, sweet dreams, Biatch. I fleck in that little bitch. yeah, you dumb white little bitch. Guys, I think I get the point. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_82_john_barilaro | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show. We are joined today for the first time in a while by a Nationals politician. Actually, it's pretty much only the Nats that talk to us nowadays.
The last one was from Cormac. Probably before that it was.
Dave, a little proud. Dave, a little proud of the races. Our local member. Dave, proud of the races, but I don't think he meant to talk to us. He was just there and so were we and we had a camera on him. But today we are joined by the Deputy Premier of New South Wales, John Barilara.
How are you, mate? I'm effing good. Effing good? Effing good.
Well, it is a Batooter Advocate podcast. It's not question time, so feel free to let the f-bombs fly today.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. But I had to apologise in the house today and a couple of my colleagues called me a soft cock at the end of it, so there you go. Really? Yeah. They said you shouldn't have apologised, but I got it. Yeah. Things are heating up. I'm a team player, mate. I took it for the team. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, you also referred to the Leader of the Opposition as a racist, which was an exciting comment. I guess they recoiled a little bit. What was your thinking behind that comment? What was your basis? Oh, well, you know, during the election campaign, didn't he shoot himself in the foot with that Asians with PhDs comment? Yeah. So in line with Luke Foley before that, that mentioned white flight, I think it runs in the DNA, but when you really look at it, and I'm a bit surprised now, and I probably shouldn't have called them a racist, if you look at what's happening at ICAC, they seem to be very close to the Chinese, especially their cash. Yeah, it's a double-sided sword there. Now, we will talk a little bit about your background, prior to politics and, you know, where you grew up, because, and this is no fault of yours or the media's, I guess, it tends to be the case nowadays that most Australians are switched out of state politics as a detachment, mainly because of, as you just mentioned, three decades of cabinet ministers being dragged in front of ICAC. People have kind of lost faith. So what's your story, mate?
Where you Queen being born? Born and bred Queen being, I grew up, played hard, lived hard, got in a bit of mischief, got kicked out of Queen in high school, ended up at St. Eddie's for the final two years of my life. And my parents thought St. Eddie's a good Catholic upbringing, a good school across the border would fix it. But you know, I think I smoked more weed, got up to more mischief at Eddie's than I did in Queen being but You did inhale.
Oh, we know what's happening. It's all legal there now. We're all just ahead of our time. I think those cops down there in Queanbeyan now are going to be having quite a bit more on. Oh, I think so. I think there's going to be a lot more. Yeah. I think we're all just going to get fake licenses and say we're all, we've all come from the AC team and they might get caught in Queanbeyan.
But I tell you something, in the day at St. Eddie's, year 11 and 12 students, you could actually smoke at school. And I remember the only reason they banned it wasn't because smoking was bad for your health.
The couch in the common room, which was a vinyl, a black vinyl couch, we got lit up. I nearly said we lit it up, but I wasn't involved.
But look, look, I bought and bred, ended up going to uni, dropped out of uni to want to be an accountant. I went off to join my old man in the joinery shop, did a trade. I don't have a time. I just love what I did as a tradie and built a business up and built a decent business in the region. So I've always worked for myself, never taken a pay pack from anyone. I've done it all for myself, except when I got elected in 2011. I said to someone, the only reason I threw my hand up to run and get some of my money back was some of those taxes that I paid over time. But you know, I'm a straight shooter, love what I do and I'm going to keep fighting.
Now you, Italian family, they're in Queanbeyan and you're not just a kind of Albanese, Bernardi Italian, you're actually an anglicised name. Giovanni. Giovanni, that's it. I'm the real McCoy mate. Giovanni Domenico Barilato, if you want to say it the wog way.
Yeah, look, my parents moved to Australia in 65 and straight to Queanbeyan and they've always called Queanbeyan home. But dad's one of 10, mum one of six. We've only got about three uncles and aunties here and a lot of them still overseas.
And when we say Italian, we're real Italians. We're not the blue eye blondes from the north. We're the Calabresi mate, the Marfichello, the mafia country. So it's all good. Now tell us a little bit about being the first Italian leader of the National Party in New South Wales. Are you the only Italian or I guess in the coalition government for New South Wales, it's, it is a bit ethnic actually between you and Gladys. But in the Nats and would you be the first kind of a Italian Bushy? No, I look, we had Adrian Piccola. You remember that he was the member for Murray, but like I said, he's Northern Italian. He's almost Austrian. We don't really count him in unless you've got dark hair like I do. You're not Italian. But yeah, look, I never thought that someone with my surname, not blonde hair and blue eyes would be the leader of the New South Wales Nationals.
But I've got a whole of mates from all backgrounds, especially Italians and Greeks and Macedonians. And they just, they always thought the Nats were a racist party just for whites, you know, and I think we broke that mold. But look, I love what I do. And it's a party that I think just shows you if you work hard and we represent everybody everywhere.
We're not driven by ideology. It's geography, mate. It's where we come from.
Once they let the Catholics in, it was kind of anyone's, right? Yeah, mate, I'll tell you what, over the last few weeks, some of us wish the Catholics weren't up in Parliament the whole abortion debate. That's been one hell of a ride. Let me put it that way. Hopefully now for the people in New South Wales, you'll be able to get back to the job of governing the country.
Mate, I want to get back to killing frogs, mate, building dams. You know, that's the, and when I say killing frogs, I don't mean the Frenchman.
So I just want to make it absolutely clear. I don't want to upset anybody.
Unless it's in the World Cup quarterfinal. Don't forget, I'm Italian and I hate Zadana, especially what happened in that World Cup with the headbutt with Matarazzi.
So, well, you haven't let your love of dams be shy, John. Where would you build them? I mean, there's a lot of dams in New South Wales. There's a lot of rivers. Where would you build them? Wherever I can kill the most frogs.
No, no, look, we've got a plan. Sorry about that. We've got a plan. We don't care what he tells us.
What else do you want to kill? Well, I always joke because I came out and said, you know, look, if a few frogs have to die, so be it. But then I thought to myself, but if you build dams, isn't that more water and more opportunities for frogs? So probably that line was wrong.
But look, there are a number of dams we can build, one in Dungowon Dam up at Tamworth. We know that they can get out of the ground quickly. Moles River Dam up on the Queensland, New South Wales border. You raise the dam wall at Y-Angler, 650 gigs is equivalent to another dam. And the other thing we should be doing is stuff underground, like underground dams, you know, recharging aquifers.
We've got a plan. We're ready to go.
We've pitched it to the feds and good to see their response in the media. They didn't tell us about it, but they announced it to the media. They're happy to back a few of our dams.
And that's good. But you know, the thing we've still got to get through is the red tape and green tape. Let me be honest. Everyone says, but John, you're the deputy premier. You're in charge. Bullshit. You know, the bureaucrats in charge and I'll do everything they want to do to stop something like dam building. So that's a challenge for us, but we'll get on with it. We can do it. Do you think, you know, regardless of rain, this, this kind of job you've got, uh, do you reckon New South Wales is drought proof top to bottom?
No way. No, no way in the world.
And, um, we're not drought proof. We're, we're, we're resilient in the bush. Let's be honest. We're resilient. We'll, we'll take dry spells. We've always done it and it will always rain.
But this, this particular run is hard for some areas, two, three, four years in drought, no water, no water at all. We're in sinking bores in place like Tenterfield and we can't even find water.
So this, this is harder than ever before. And this is the reminder. And that maybe after the millennium drought, we didn't actually think about what we could do longterm. So here we are another drought, but if we miss this opportunity, that's why I'm, I'm bloody really, really putting my balls on the line here and saying, you know, truncate process, get rid of environmental impact studies. In some cases, stop even engaging with the community. We know we've got to build these dams and let's just get on with it. And that's the truth, mate. And that's what we've got to do.
So tell us a little bit about the kind of divide between the Nats and the, on a state and federal level, because this has been something we've seen since January, Barnaby claim that he didn't want it. The state wanted it. It just feels like there's another layer outside of the type you're just talking about. It feels like there's another, you know, ceiling above you lot on a state level. Oh, look, let me put it this way. When, when you're facing an election and everyone's desperate to win their seats, I'll tell you what the States will blame the feds, the feds will blame the state, the Nats will blame each other and do whatever you can to survive. And I think there's been a little bit of that.
The reality is the Nats are best when we're actually united and truthfully, you know, you're not gonna get a better retail politician than Barnaby. He did that for a long time, really, really well. And we actually looked to Barnaby to lead the charge.
That's probably detrimental a bit to the Nats brand because a lot of us, we got accused during the election campaign and I was probably just as guilty. The Nats logos were either in, you know, four point fonts or non-existent. I think the member for Bathurst Tully, you couldn't tell he was a Nats because I think he even changed the colours. So the truth is, over time, the Nats brand is probably diminished and it's the individual, you know, someone with the charisma or character of Barnaby takes over and so I think there's never been a time like now where I feel that for the Nationals, we just feel like a collection of independents, you know, have come together under a brand, but we don't push the brand. Did you have to make that, was that a concerted effort because there was something a lot like independents coming to get for your seats? Yeah, I think after, you know, we were chasing our third term and normally, you know, second term Nats or the coalition governments in Sydney or New South Wales get thrown out. So in one way, we had to be a little bit Trump-like, we're anti the establishment and the Nats do this really well, you know, we can stand there and jump up and down because when we like it, we love being part of the coalition, when we hate it, we blame them. So we did a bit of that, but our threat, yeah, the shooters, that they were a real threat, some of the independents and the trout that didn't help either, you know, when you got a committee running out of water, you got the fish kills and all that anxiety and all of that sort of stuff, you blame the establishment and we were there. So a lot of our MPs get over the line, I'm probably no different in the Monero, Monero, Queenman, for instance, a labour town. And the truth is, you know, I push my brand over the Nats brand, but people like me because I'm, as I said, a former tradie, a chippy, a lot of a lot of people think I should have been a Labour MP, not a Nat. Yeah, yeah. So do you think a lot of the, the result at the last election for the Nats in New South Wales, was that more of a backlash against the brand of the Nats or more or less a backlash against the policies which had ended up in these communities, out of water, out of services?
Well, add two more, greyhounds and local councils. Greyhounds, that was what I was going to ask you, what was your thoughts off the bat with that policy? Because that was, that was Mike's, that was his GST kind of Henson moment. Ah, look, look, I recall a conversation with them, the leader of the Nats, Troy, we were in WA for something, I can't remember what it was. And we're over a few tins. He said to me, I've got a report that talks about the greyhound industry, a bit of a few problems, either shut it down or fix it.
And we left it at that, we're going to fix it. And then, you know, get the cabinet and we shut it down. I was in that cabinet, I hadn't what I had to say, but I came out of cabinet solid and just backed in the policy.
But Jesus, we got it wrong. We absolutely got it wrong. Mike said, we got it wrong. We lost Orange because we lost Orange, we lost Troy. As leader, I became leader off the back of that. We absolutely got that complete wrong. When you take on the battler and that's what it was, you know, people can say, oh, there's only 2000 jobs or whatever, but you took on the battler, everyone backed in the battler. And that's a reminder that politicians have got to stop pretending that we know everything we know. And we got it wrong. We F that up, like you don't believe.
But same as mergers, local council mergers. We went and sat councils. And when I say we went and sat councils to merge them, you're talking about the local butcher or the local footy coach.
Walker got to stay. Walker is alright.
You can thank Barnaby for that one. We'll talk about this fit for the future process. But I'll tell you why. The process was thrown out the window and a whole heap of decisions were made and Barnaby blew it up. And good luck to Barnaby, but Walker remained good for Walker, isn't it? Same thing happened when they did it in Queensland and they started kind of amalgamating and then they get to about Longreach and they go, nah, nah, this, this is getting too vast now. So Birdsville got to keep their 12 blokes in one road gang and the Birdsville council remains. Yeah.
People hate their council. Honestly, as a local MP, state MP, I get all these letters all the time, you know, sack the council, hate the council, all the council, there's the footpath here and all that. But then when we went to sack the councils and do the mergers, they turned on us.
And it just reminded me, I think it's like this, you know, you might want to kick your dog. You're entitled to kick your dog, but if someone else kicks your dog, you're going to kick them. So it's the same thing here.
We got it wrong. We made a mess of it.
And we just missed, especially in the bush, you know, your Councillor, the Mayor of a town is known, like a knock on the door. They wouldn't have any idea who the state MP, the federal MP or who the Premier or the Prime Minister in most cases, they talk to their Mayor. Guess what? And we sack their mayor. Yeah, that's crap. But they wouldn't know who would be in charge of ICAC, you know, because, you know, every small town mayor has had a doorknob from ICAC.
Well, let's not go there. And they invariably find nothing. I often say, you know, I don't want to really talk about ICAC.
Thank God my daughter's doing law. I may need her one day. I'll leave it at that.
The only difference is, you know, everyone just looks at me and I hear there's Calabrese, Italian, Darkie, probably looks shonky. But the truth is when you look shonky, you're probably the most honest. And the guy that looks honest is probably the one that's still on the deal behind your back.
See that in the libs a lot. A lot of the haircuts in the libs tend to get in the most trouble. Oh mate, those libs, they go to the same barber, they go to the same suit shop and they always buy suit, I reckon, two sizes too small. And they all look the same, but we've been a little bit lucky.
We haven't had any nat head down to ICAC. A few libs and now the Labor Party are enjoying their time down there. The nat should be safe so long as they don't introduce a Federal ICAC. Well yeah. Let's not go there. I'm interested to know what the mood was in the National Party Room when the lockout laws were coming through. It's a law that doesn't really affect anyone who votes for the Nationals. It only really affected a group of people who would only really exist within a five mile radius of the Harbour Bridge. Yes and no. The Orange Hotel's still open until 4am.
No, the lockout laws for Sydney, and let's talk about King's Cross first, right? If you think about most of us, on your 18th birthday from the bush, come to Sydney, guess where we all end up? Those strip joints at King's Cross, right? So it was almost this rite of passage was the cross. Well, the cross doesn't look like the place we grew up with.
So the lockout laws in Sydney, they went too far. There's no doubt, and I've been vocal about that, we got it wrong. The impact in the bush was around takeaways. You couldn't take your takeaways up to 10 o'clock or nine o'clock. I can't remember your lockouts at 12. But the truth is in the bush, we've always had local liquor records with the local public and with the local cops have come to an agreement in the past and said, you know what?
We're going to shut down at 12. We'll lock people out. We've probably had that in the system for 20 years.
They do it every New Year's Eve, you know? Anzac Day? My Walsh's pub in Queemah may come Anzac Day, come, you know, at 6.30.
Mate, they're pushing us out the door because most of us have been there from dawn, right? And they're pushing us out the door. So, yeah, most publicans are responsible. They know how to do this.
Look, there was an incident in Sydney and, you know, it was a terrible incident, but it's typical of government. We overreact. You know, it's like when someone says, oh, we want regulation. My advice to anybody, any industry, don't ask for regulation from government because we will overreact and we'll kill things off.
That's what I'm with greyhounds. That's what's happening with even the taxi industry. What you know, we, they want, we've regulated the shit out of the taxi industry and they weren't able to compete with Uber when that hit the market.
So, but look, it has an impact. There's a decision to be made shortly. I reckon we'll release and relax some of the lockout laws, both city, bush, and I think that's a good thing. Do you, do you find that there's red tape for some and not for others? Like just, I mean, for example, there's been a few investigative programs on the ABC regarding buildings that might've been built a bit too quickly. Yeah, that's, that's a tough one. I've come out, I've come out of the building industry and it's probably some of my relatives. I'm just going to be very careful to say, but there are buildings in this, in this city probably, sorry, there are buildings in this country that have used a whole heap of imported materials where it's been, there's been shonky certification. And now after the fact, you find out it's not fit for purpose with like the cladding. So we're going to, these things could catch on fire. We've, we've moved away from heavy construction to lightweight construction. That's a good thing. One way keeps costs down, but I'm not sure if a lot of the traders out there actually understand the materials and therefore you might end up with some adverse outcomes, but we've got some problems. But in the scheme of things, yeah, you've got mascot towers, you've got the Opal. The reality is in the scheme of things, that's still a very small number of buildings that have got problems compared to what's been building this city for the last, what, 10 years.
Yeah. But do you find that, you know, say a pub owner in, you know, the back of Botany would get more eyeballs on them on a Saturday night than a construction site would get in the space of six months? Oh, sorry. That was the point. Yeah, absolutely. More red tape for some than others, depending on what industry the small guy always cops it, cops it in the ass and everybody else gets away with it because the big end of town, they, they pay certifiers and legals to act on their behalf, fight for them. That's actually a very valid point. That red tape is a rule issue, but it's easy for bureaucrats to pick on the small guy and they, I reckon it happens. You're right. That's a good point.
Would you view Malcolm Turnbull as a bureaucrat? I think I've said a lot about it. Haven't I said a lot about Malcolm Turnbull in the past, mate? Christmas gift was one particular one. Turnbull was a Christmas gift to Australians, but you guys butted heads, I guess there's no bad blood anymore cause he's long gone.
Well, I won, he lost, but, um, um, he's a farmer himself. He's got, you know, 10, 20,000 acres up the Honda. He has a couple of cows up there, you know, he's, he's a farmer himself and he is also doing it tough, you know?
So I think that's some of the policy that you would be coming up with as the leader of the New South Wales. Now it's going to be impacting on him as well. I worry about those guys that have bought farms for a tax write off. They're the ones that I'm at the moment not sleeping at night for, um, you know, Joe Blow, the small farmer around the corner, who's doing it tough, you know, we'll, we'll get to him eventually. But yeah, it's, it's the big in the town that had bought farms probably for a carbon offset or something, you know, radical like that, look after some threatened species. But, uh, let's say I I've said my piece about Malcolm in the past.
I was just about nine months too early. Not there eventually.
It was an Easter. It was an Easter gift, not a Christmas one.
You kind of split a room a bit with the libs too. There's a, you know, from both sides of the factions within the libs, within the federal libs.
Is this something that people can expect to see more from you? And it might not be a bad thing. Just button heads where, wherever you see fit. Yeah. I think, I think the difference now is, you know, not many would know this, but we've bought headers a lot, but we do it behind closed doors and you know, I like Gladys. So we've been doing it behind closed doors and we keep it quiet and we get our wins. But what has happened? I don't think we get recognised for those wins. So, you know what?
I've decided this time and now let's have those fights publicly, but we're going to disagree on a number of things. We have a very different year. We're growing socialists, mate. And they're free market tears. They see, they think the market will fix everything. We've seen how the market has screwed a lot of things. Have a look at the water trading that's hurting us at the moment. So, well, but yeah, you'll, you'll see more of it. And you know, I drew a line in the sand at Inverill at our conference when I said enough's enough and I'm going to speak out and there's certain things we're not going to cop anymore. And that now I reckon that's a fair, a fair go because our base, our, our voters, our communities need to know those, those blokes at Macquarie street that pretend to be country folk or, you know, where they're polished RMs actually do get what we get us and they are fighting for us.
And I'm always happy to go get a blood nose. I may not win every fight, but I'm happy to get a blood nose over it.
Well, just touching on the issue of, of trading water, you know, as the old adage goes, the more money you have, the more problems you have. If we do build all these dams and we do get all of this water, do you think that the issues around water security and water trading will become worse? Like if, if there's more of this commodity, it becomes less valuable. And, and if we have a lot of it, do you think there would be less regulation about where it goes and who it goes to? No, it's, it's, I, I, mate, the way water's going and we're in the middle of a drought, this might become a bit more of a norm, like get rid of your gold shares, your silver shares, mate, water would be the commodity you want to hang on to.
Gorbachev said that on his final, uh, final speech. Well, there you go. And it's true.
And I think as, as, as, as a country that is a dry continent, let's be honest, I think we're on record with the second driest continent in the, in the world always have been and always will be. After Antarctica.
And, and therefore, therefore, no, we actually, I think it's a set area that we actually have to regulate a bit better. We cannot allow what's happening in superannuation funds, uh, who are trading water, like a commodity on a stock market, you know, water was designed, the irrigators are meant to do it to grow our food and fiber. Um, and this is where, again, government gets it wrong.
Yeah. Yes.
It's a property right for some, every time governments get involved, this is the problem. Every time governments get involved and there's money involved, everybody, those, those industry groups or those, those stakeholders will devise ways how to get more of that money.
Remember Pinkbats? Yeah. And you put a shitload of tax dollars on the table. Everybody, everybody became an installation expert. The bikies took the Commonwealth for a ride.
Well, that's what I mean. Well, that's the point.
And then there was the vet fee help. I don't know, even though that was the TAFE stuff where we said, here's a whole shitload of money. And if you want to train our kids, we're going to pay like, we're going to pay you all that money up front and go for it.
And we lost billions of dollars. We're going to have all these dodgy providers, a lot of them from overseas are now driving Mercs and made hundreds of, actually made millions of dollars with no, no outcome. So governments always effed this stuff up because we think where the experts, the bureaucrats pretend they know what they're doing, but the truth is they've never lived a real day in the life.
And any expert, any entrepreneur, any businessman, and remember, I'm a former businessman, and I'm a wog. I know how to work my way through to get, get my hands on that cash.
And that's what happens all the time. So water in my mind, that's exactly what's happened.
We will have to regulate it. Yeah. We need to, we need to use water in a different way. We're going to become more efficient store, more collect more, but geez, we've got to take control of it. Do you think it would be more effective to govern this on a state level or a national level?
Well, we tried the national, at a national level with the Murray Darling basin plan built on false foundations. Uh, it clearly shows it's, it's a crock of shit because you know, we've got no water entitlements. Those in the Southern basin are watching that water go past their front gates. It ends up in South Australia and those wankers down there on their yachts and having their regattas. So it's a failure in the system.
So as a state, I've just said this man, I'm now waving the flag for team New South Wales. Yeah. And if we're going to walk away from the plan, we will, if not work with us, we're more than happy to contribute, but we've been paying more for water than anyone else and giving more to the environment. Uh, South Australia's not missing out. Victoria's only partly hurt more. Queensland, well, I'm not even going to talk about them. A fair bit of the water ends up in the K islands as well. Yeah. Or the value anyway of the water. So that's the truth.
Well, just on that, there's a small community down there on the convergence of the Murray and the Darling called Wentworth. And they have, and they haven't seen a flow come down the Darling now for almost a decade. In saying that, you know, if that water does go in to the Murray and it goes on a hundred odd Ks and then it's down into South Australia, if the water never flows into the Murray again out of the Darling and it's all put to good use, is that a good thing?
Well, firstly, you can't, Wentworth, great little place, name the mayor there. She's a great mayor and that's why we dubbed her Winx, the great mayor Winx. And she loves the name, so she she enjoys it.
And I've been able to Wentworth a few times and they're doing it tough. You're right. They're absolutely absolutely doing it tough. But the truth is, we've, if you look at what we've done, we know that for a while with water in this state, we never let the water run down. Yeah.
And the environmental flows weren't there. So probably irrigated, we took more than we should have. So there was an adjustment and we've done that adjustment.
But when you had the extra, the 450 gigs that they want from us, that's going over and above. And it's probably another thousand gigs that are going now into South Australia.
That was never really part of the plan. And we're not getting credit for that.
So yes, the outcome is good when you need its environmental flows. And this idea that that water somehow we've separated, it's the same bucket of water, isn't it? Some, it's environmental community and for irrigators.
So what we've got to make sure is you get the outcomes. But what's happened now is we've given so much. We've got nothing left to give and they want more. And that's, that's bullshit. We just, we just don't have it. Yes, the outcomes.
I think the, the environment is the winner at the moment, but we're flooding forests. We're still flooding some of the banks because we haven't got the system right. But yeah, we've got irrigators. We've missed out completely. They're watching that water go ahead. We're going to have just a little chat about water because Melinda was just appointed a new minister.
I thought, great, let's get out there. I I've known John for a while. He promised me homemade salami. So I'm mad. I was, I was out there, mate. Yeah. You don't get to my sort of fitness without eating homemade salami, but, and homemade wine.
Got there was about 150 people at the shed.
So this was, I said, Melinda, there's two outcomes here for us. We're going to get buried out in the vineyard. If you say anything wrong, we survive and get the salami, or we've become the salami and the sausages. And so Pavey, Melinda Pavey gets up and says this crowd. Yes, we know water's trying this and he goes, but, you know, for using too much.
Man, I'm pulling on the bloody jacket. Young kid.
Thing is, she said it twice. So I thought we were going to end up like Donna McKay buried in a house in a paddock somewhere, but we got away with it. But look, let's be honest. Do we have to question what we're growing and where we're growing? I think we do it, don't we?
Um, you know, the cotton farmers or the uh, the rice growers. The reality is that we've got almond trees going in. We've got a whole heap of nuts going in across the river system. They're permanent plantings. They're going to need high security or guaranteed water.
How we've made these decisions? Because we're talking about we can't even meet the needs today. How we're going to meet the needs of permanent planning so and forth. In my mind, I think these businesses have taken so much risk.
They're all going to fail. There's just no way. Your comments you're making right now would make you rather unpopular at Yamba around Christmas time I reckon.
The cotton farmers particularly and and now this new wave of kind of different kind of grain and legumes. They don't like being told to push cattle and and and and change what they were doing. Yeah, so we have a number of programs to reskill up skill change skills for for mature age employees and etc. But we're also helping the skills in certain industries. So the cotton industry for instance, you know, we still believe cotton and and grain has a strong industry. There will always be an industry in Australia and I was a schools minister a number of years ago and we we partnered with them. I think it's about a 12 million dollar partnership about looking at better ways to manage your crops especially cotton so you know with drawing technology everything else. So we put this funding package together to upskill those those yeah those workers in that sector so they can use technology different those skills and skill sets they can take anywhere value no more rabbit proof fences or nbn contractors you want actual real term long term real jobs yeah mate lien that's why you get great cities like you know i call them cities right like orange is a city original city mate when you got a whiskey bar they're called washington and co mate it's a city pretty fast actually if someone had told you that ten years ago that orange was going to be a little weak ender great accommodation that you know honestly i don't know if you've been in washington kind little whiskey bar and orange mate that you can stick that in surry hills you can stick that in new or and honestly it's a trendy little bloody bar and you know guy on a guitar in the corner some of the best whiskey in the world 25 30 bucks a a whiskey and yet it survives in a place like orange yeah yeah mate it just shows that yeah these are cosmopolitan cities in the bush and we've got we're gonna start talking about this you know this term i hate i really it's a wanker term bush change bullshit it's a city change yeah we'll leave sydney go to another city orange or dubbo or chamworth or waga waga yeah yeah they call it a bush chunks it's not it's a city change and we we were actually at the grains conference this year summer grains conference up in goldy gold gold coast and every one of those blocks conference in the goal case yeah yeah convenient conference convenient yeah yeah yeah they have all there the last conference i'm in the the goal case i got in a bit of a bit of a biff my good friend federal colleague up there from the gnats we were resolved all that's that's all good yeah no it's it's it's funny how these agribusiness kind of conferences all tend to be within walking distance jupiter's and actually you just say the upfront about it now i'm not gonna ask you what you guys got up to but anyway you went to the grain conference no they all all these blokes are walking out every every kind of presentation in every kind of seminar and they're all checking their tablets really and checking they've got the drones they're looking they're farming while they're on the job yeah they're following while they're in the strip club i was gonna say something make it rain but i'm not gonna say that right but you're right and technology is going to change the way we we produce food and fiber the feds have funded a program i think it's about 10 million bucks as a company out of tamworth they're building these big trailers they're typically mobile little farms but connected technology and they'll be the schools i think they're doing 70 schools or something at the moment that's what they're funded for and what these kids will be able to do off their app is control the water the fertilizer or all the proteins whatever you need to put into and they'll be able to manage it all and see what grows what doesn't grows so mate the more we do that in the school system teach these kids about the technology behind agriculture we're not going to be this bloody red neck industry you know everyone if you talk about the bush everyone thinks bloody you know tumble weeds and windmills the agriculture sector are the best innovators you know why they've had to and Australian bloody farmers and the best in the worldwide we don't have tariffs for protection we don't have subsidies to support them so they are raw honest efficient innovators in their industry and that carbon it's been common knowledge for a long time that the price of energy out in the bush is very expensive and moving forward there is a push to move away from coal out in the bush there's a whole smorgasb board of energy options which are more renewable what do you think it's the best ticket moving forward nuclear energy I I'm telling you guys if you want to decarbonize the environment and you want base load power look I'm a supporter of renewables you can have wind you're gonna have bloody solar you're gonna have hydro but we're not gonna have baseload right and coal we're gonna get to the end of it there's still 50 years of coal but we'll get to the end of it nuclear energy uranium we've got 44% of the the globe's uranium stockpile here in australia so we've got the largest stockpile in the in the world we already export the second largest exporter of uranium we bring back waste we've got a nuclear reactor up here up the radio at lucas heights for nuclear medicine but we don't use it for energy so to me that's dumb actually funny enough tomorrow i'm actually speaking at a nuclear conference here in sydney i spoke in atlanta georgia a couple of years ago small modular reactors they're not like chernobyl like i was just about to ask that and i had to ask that you didn't tune into that hbo series it came out a bit yeah but chernobyl that series is the reason why we should get into it we've got we've got we've got stable geology stable government we've got the rich resource we can have a waste facility here that'll be worth uh hundreds of billions of dollars in in collecting waste we can build small modular reactors uh newscal is a company out of the u.s who's in in town at the moment who i've met up with in the past who really would love to build an industry here and and we can do it all and it's affordable you decarbonize you can shut off coal tomorrow and i'm the resource minister so when i say shut down coal i'll only say it if you replace it with something that gives you small modular reactors and you know the waste like people don't know this the waste in france you know where they bury it well champagne region yeah it's probably why you get the extra bubble in your champagne but because that's what sends you mad after a couple but they're confident they're confident with it and as a nation we've got to stop you guys are young enough mate you look at technology look at your mobile phone that's changed from 20 30 years ago you know chernobyl is chernobyl is what 70 year old bloody technology fukushima is still 30 year old technology three mile island the same story what about what about the reactor what about the 2016 census what kind of technology are they using there oh god no but so technology can let you down so what i'm trying to tell me technology can let you down but small modular reactors uh they're built in a factory delivered aside they don't have to be in any water supply they can be air cooled sand cooled stick it on the grid 50 megawatts at a time you can link 12 of them to get up to 600 megawatts get online have a look at it and you'll actually be surprised what the technology looks like and as australia if you get the energy mix right we bring down wood prices get baseload we'll become a manufacturing nation i'm not talking about building bloody toasters and washing machines we'll leave that to our friends across the borders our close neighbors but it's an advanced manufacturing and that's what we should be focused on wages aren't the issue anymore because our wages compared to the globe in this space are almost the same it's just energy that's bloody killing us at the moment and that's because politicians for far too long have let ideology get in the way of common sense and you know i speak about this every i go to a place like balina and you talk nuclear energy and they want to they want to bloody uh they'll come out with the pitchforks they come out with the vaccinations they do but but when i leave a room and they start to hear it most would say 80 90 percent would say actually i'm gonna have a look at this yeah yeah yeah think think it through and yeah look it up just just one last question yes no uh high speed rail yes absolutely yeah you know we shouldn't have bothered about the nbn mate we should have stuck that 70 billion in high speed rail high speed rail to orange mate well you know funny enough we amber to brisbane i reckon you've got you want to do the connections you do camera to sydney city to newcastle then you take it up to you take it to brisbane and then you connect down to melbourne if you did that you know we've all traveled but you get into china or japan you're going to europe you get on on very fast rail and you realize all of a sudden it's fine if you want to the one policy that will fix the regional new south when i say fix in relation to growth because we've got you don't you don't get lots of growth over the next 10 15 years you'll see another million people here in sydney and we'll probably see about a couple hundred thousand in the in the bush you want to decentralize make it easier to get in and out of sydney and you know if you can you can live uh in orange but being town here in 50 minutes now who's going to live in sydney what would you what would you live in this shithole yeah have the country lifestyle city benefits live in the bush thanks for joining us barrett no worries guys thank you |
cracked | why_dating_websites_are_ruining_dating_rom_com | We're trying to find out why you rated Fine Love so poorly despite having made so many matches on the site. Your only feedback was, this shit don't work. This shit don't work! And yet you went on 54 first dates through our website.
And what do you think the disconnect is? Besides all the non-working shit. Let's unpack that shit. Ew, Josie.
I feel good about my dating profile, but dating itself is... I wish I could check their profile during the date. It's so hard trying to remember someone's life details when you haven't decided if you care yet. Fine Love tells me who to date, but not how.
That's the hard part. For me. Of course. We'll go with you on the date. Cording automated. Josie, get this RuBarber $10 gift card for an Apple to be and get them out of my site. Okay, raise your hand if you knew she was in here. I want body cameras and headsets. I want you two advising our clients at every moment of a potential jeanswap encounter. You mean date?
Objective advisors for both parties. You will be their shirpas. Training wheels on the bike of love. Mediating counsel at the hearing for their unborn child's right to exist. This sounds kind of invasive. And Cyrano-y. Yeah, no one's going to agree to that.
Sure they will. We'll call it exclusive beta for priority users. We'll give them more gift cards. We ring. They celebrate.
I misspoke. I don't want to do that. I hear your concerns. I can't believe people actually signed up to have us remotely control their date.
I feel like one of those drone pilots for fucking. Do you feel like one of those drone pilots for fucking?
Hello? Has it started? Can you hear your person?
Crap. Mine's on. My person's slides? Yeah. Mine's on.
She said drone pilots for...
Fucking what? What? Huh?
Okay. We're live. No crosstalk. Starting now.
There are a lot of things we should have discussed beforehand. Yeah, like, don't openly talk about remote-controlled fucking?
Because... Hi! My name's Max.
I'll be your final of dating companion this evening. Uh, apologies for the... Basically IT's fault, so just go ahead and continue your date as normal. I'll be here providing helpful information now and then.
No need to respond in any way. Just pretend I'm not even here.
Cool? Okay, obviously this once. Please respond so I know the technology is... Yes, Max. Hi. Okay. Great. So, please continue. Carry on dating one another... now.
And I didn't even attend classes, I just had friends on campus. She went to Rowan, was apparently a trampolinesist while there, and enjoys grilled cheese on a rainy day. And you went to Rowan, right? Easily the least interesting tidbit I just gave you. I did undergrad there. He did not attend college, I suggest a subject change.
You both listed the Poisonwood Bible under favorite books. Try hitting that. Um, I liked the Poisonwood Bible.
Did you just say that because they told you to? Yeah. This is really weird, right? No, say it isn't. Weird. Nothing is weird. I've been instructed to inform you that nothing has ever been weird.
My notes say she ordered medium well, that is definitely rare. Yeah, that looks a little undercooked.
Should we send him back? No! Don't do it. He hates wasting food. Uh, no. Thanks though. Yeah, I don't send stuff back either.
My person sent this at me. Oh, agree with that. Lame Josie. Common enemy. Very effective. It's all Josie's fault. My guys stopped taking this seriously, so I'm just gonna go use the bathroom.
Uh, okay. Um, well, I will be here. Oh, finally! Fair!
Are you sure you don't have to go to the bathroom? Her profile says she likes a man who knows when to pee.
You know, I think I'd remember if it said that. Thanks. Honestly, it's like having an annoying friend try to obviously set you up at a party. Right? It's like, he's all, hey, Torvald, here's Giselle.
Did you know she also likes a number of your interests? Oh, wait, you like my interests?
It's like, so obvious, but it's awkward. Then it works, because you're both complaining about the same weird, shared friend. Oh my god, this app is totally the weird friend.
Still here, just a reminder. You're also present. Have feelings.
Like, mine is just annoyingly whining right now. Oh my god, right? She's the worst.
Mine too. Do you want to take them off? Definitely. Let's get out of here. Okay.
Nailed that! We are the puppet masters! I mean, did you see that?
Love just happened, because of us. At least casual sex. I mean, it makes you wonder though, right? If we could just guide people to love, is free will even real? What did we just create? What is love?
Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.
That's why you're saying it worked. Were you listening to us? No. They terminated the test, and a busboy stole our cameras and headsets. But you said it yourselves.
They bonded. But they hated us. And yet, the shared trauma of the environment you cultivated accelerated the release of their love endorphins. Who cares if it's because they despise you? You hate Blake, I hate you. We all work quite well together. You hate us? Wait, are there other people you're nice to?
We'll call it love trolling. We antagonize you into seeking shelter in the arms of your date. People will get married just to avoid having to use the sight again. We will take true, sweet love and shove it down their filthy throats. And they'll stop using the sight.
Plus, you'd have to pay us overtime. And then there's the cost of providing everyone who signs up with body cameras and headsets. Software to run everything.
Yes, forget it then. I want people to find love, but not if it cuts into our fourth quarter projections. Oh, thank gerbils. I hated this.
Hey, thank you so much for watching this episode of Realm.com. We had a lot of fun making it. We're gonna do one every Wednesday from now until the first Wednesday in March. And then maybe some more down the line if you guys like the show and you watch it a whole bunch.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Unless, again, I don't even know if this will come out anywhere near. I mean, explicitly you know that one of them is the first Wednesday in March.
It's about love. Love is in the air.
That's true. Why are we in the after-hours diner? Holy shit! Right? |
dropout | who_s_gonna_call_the_lyft_hardly_working | You do stand up. Yeah, I've been at it for years. You guys ever hear somebody say, who here is from out of town? Yeah, of course. That's me. That's my bet.
No, that's impossible. It can't be your bet.
Just let them have this. Anybody up for a drink? I might check out that new bar I was talking about. I could take a couple, yeah.
Do it. Should we get a lift? Yeah, everybody ready? Yeah. I'm ready. Are we doing this? We're doing it. Suck it to me.
Lift, lift, lift, lift, lift, lift, lift, lift, lift, lift, lift, lift. Lift, lift, lift, lift, lift. It's one of us shorter the lift, right?
Yeah. I would, but I deleted it off my phone for space. Raph, you have it right. Well, I mean, you're going to need it eventually, right? You might as well download it now. Yeah, you're right.
Does anyone know my Apple password?
Obviously not. Okay, never mind.
I can get it. Oh, dang. I got to update my credit card information. Grant? Sure, I can get it.
Uh, oh, geez, I'm only seeing it for $38. Anybody getting it for cheaper?
Rekha, maybe? Oh, I got a pee-pee, actually, so let me just...
Well, we don't want to get it until we're all together. You shouldn't have to wait on my behalf. We don't want the driver to have to wait. Cool, okay.
You know, my phone's taking forever to load. Raph, your phone is so much faster.
Why don't you do it?
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll just...
I'm getting it for $12, but the closest car is 20 minutes away. Impossible. Let me see that. It's confusing. My phone is set to military time. You wouldn't get it. How does military time affect the distance of the cars?
I know. It's like everything is connected.
Okay, guys, clearly none of us wants to hail the Lyft. Why don't we just send out a request to split it? I can't figure out how. I'll forget. I don't trust you motherfuckers to accept my split request. Maybe we pick a designated driver?
We took the bus. My roommate dropped me off. I wrote with Zach, but he quit.
Rekha, you started that Lyft chant. Why don't you just order the Lyft? I didn't start... Rekha! I did not start the Lyft chant. We all started the Lyft chant at the same time.
Guys, I can't because I have a terrible rating.
What? Why?
Because of you guys, I always get stuck ordering the Lyft, and you're jerks to the drivers. Oh, now that seems like it might be Ally.
You always take your shoes off. I grew up on the beach. Second you get into a stranger's car, you take your shoes off as a sign of respect. You could just not do this just this one time. Do you know how to clean your body? I can ride in a car without taking my shoes off.
Hello? Yeah, the bar is just downstairs. Nobody bothered to look up the address. Rekha? Welcome to Open Mic 9. Who here is from out of town? That's my bit! |
Wizards_with_Guns | rocket_surgery_isn_t_brain_science | Ahh! This is so difficult!
Well, it's not rocket science. It's not brain surgery. Well, at least it's not rocket surgery.
I need 50 cc's of rocket fuel! Stop! Dammit, Jim! We're rocket doctors, not comedians! Can somebody get Neil Armstrong on the horn? Get over here, Jim! We're running out of time! Okay, what do you need? Get out of here! Can't you see we're working? Jim!
We sprung a leak! Get in here, Jim! I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to... Ahh! They don't teach you this at rocket school! Or doctor school. Okay, what's next? Okay, I can't hold on! This rocket's all out of fuel! Stay home! God, I wish I knew what these tubes even did! I don't know what's happening!
I'm just going to make a...
Oh, God! This one's on you, Jim. He blasted off to rocket heaven.
Ignition sequence start. I can almost hear it now. Wait. 5, 4, 3... Looks like this launch was a success, after all. Just goes to show, if you believe...
He's dead.
Hold this! Stay home! I don't like it! |
TheOnion | God_Doubts_He_Could_Still_Create_World_In_Just_7_Days_Anymore | Medical experts announced that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed. A new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box. Rising to the top of the video news summary game through an unstoppable combination of glad-handing and payoffs, this is The Onion Week in Review. This week, reflecting on his accomplishments and questioning his current abilities, the Lord God Almighty, our Heavenly Father and blessed Savior, told reporters that he was no longer confident whether he would be able to create the world in only seven days. He who commanded light to shine from the darkness admitted that as he has grown older, the mere thought of producing the entirety of the universe from nothingness, a task he once completed with time to spare, had become surprisingly daunting and added that creating a small, lifeless moon or asteroid now seemed like a more realistic goal. Sources confirm millions of Americans across the country this week demanded a new form of media to bridge the entertainment gap they endure while turning their heads from their phones to their laptops. Frustrated citizens of all ages reportedly insisted that someone begin developing some kind of colorful display they can flick, sign into or share during this time span, adding that it should also help fill the time when they are forced to shift their gaze from a tablet to a smartwatch, a TV screen to a remote or simply the split second in which they blink.
This week, global cosmetics brand Maybelline introduced its highly anticipated Ideal Woman rubber mask, a latex facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Forget concealer, powder, blush or mascara. Now you can achieve a look that adheres to the conventional standard of feminine perfection in seconds. Stretch the latex urethane rubber beauty mask over your natural face and boom, you're ready to start your day.
And in this week's science news, psychology comes to a halt as weary researchers say the mind cannot possibly study itself. In other news, a study reveals that college is still more worthwhile than spending four years chained to a radiator. An area man is somewhat disturbed to think the perfect girl for him is out there somewhere. And a report finds that, all things aside, the American flag still looks pretty good majestically billowing in the wind. What you have just witnessed was the pinnacle of western civilization. And now, the fall. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com |
ClickHole | how_to_get_nude_pics_of_absolutely_any_celebrity | Hey guys, it's me again and today I'm going to be showing you how you can get nude pictures of any celebrity you can think of. So the first thing you're going to want to do is find a picture of a celebrity who you like and who you might want to see naked. So I just did a quick Google search for movie star Emily Blunt and found this nice high res still and saved it to my desktop. So next you're going to want to open up that image file in Photoshop. Now for the purposes of this tutorial, I'm using Emily Blunt, but you can use Timothy Oliphant or Juliana Margulies. Really any celebrity that you'd like to see a naked picture of.
So the next thing we want to do is select our brush tool. Let's give ourselves a nice generous brush size here, somewhere in the range of 200. Now the goal is to match the celebrity's skin tone, so you want to take your eyedropper tool and click more or less right in the center of their forehead. And that usually makes for a pretty good match. So let's go back to our brush tool.
The next step is to just paint over all of the clothing that the celebrity is currently wearing. You just want to get all of those clothes off your celebs so you can show the nice nakedness underneath. There we go, nice and clean. So now we've got a nice naked celeb template, let's start filling in the private parts. The real fun of seeing any celebrity naked is looking at their private parts in vivid detail. So what I'm going to do is choose a smaller brush stroke and a darker, more high contrast color to make sure that those private parts really pop.
So I like to start with the boobs, obviously, traditionally you put one right here and one right here. Now most female celebrities have two boobs, but you're really only limited by your imagination.
So just for the purposes of this tutorial, I'm going to put another one right here. And when you're trying this on your own, feel free to just experiment and really make it your own. So I'm going to put another guy right here.
Great. All right, now let's move down to the genitalia. Now most celebrities don't release pictures of their genitals publicly, so naturally there's a bit of guesswork here.
But what I like to do is just draw a little lightning bolt right here, there we go. And if you've got time, I like to add some action lines for emphasis. And what this does is it just gives it a little bit of kinetic energy and dynamism, and it's a fun, fresh way to look at your celebrities naked.
So let's take the steps that we learned here and just do another one really quickly to recap. So we'll bring in another photograph of a celeb. Now if you recall, the first thing that you want to do is go to your brush tool and make sure that that brush stroke is up around the 200 range. There we go. Next you want to click on that eyedropper and get a nice skin color right from the center of their forehead. Switch back to your brush tool.
Now we want to get all of those ugly clothes off of there. Let's get all of the clothes gone.
There we go. Leave nothing to the imagination. Alright, and the bottom half. Some people like to leave the shoes, I like to leave the shoes. So that's another thing that's kind of left up to you, however you like your celebs. Great. Now we're going to go back to that smaller brush stroke. And we're going to choose a high contrast color that just really pops. So let's go with something like this.
Alright, now you want to add that first boob. That second boob. And with the genitals, you know, just use your imagination and really make it your own.
And that's what he's got down there. Great.
So remember, these naked celebrities can be whatever you dream them to be. So definitely try it for yourself, and link to your own celebrity nudes in the comments below.
Thanks for watching, and I will see you next time. |
TheOnion | candidates_compete_for_vital_idgit_vote | Moving on, as the 2008 presidential election gets closer, many pollsters are predicting that the candidates who can appeal to that vital idjit demographic may carry the election. Should candidates be reaching out to these all-important idjits? Well, I think they have to recognize that the idjit voter is someone who considers all options or looks at all options by not considering them. But the idjit vote is a vital vote and they represent really the heart of America. It really is up until the moment before he or she goes into that booth and then the idjit decides. The idjit voter is the man of the moment, so to speak. There's always that chance that they can be swayed as a group, however.
And I don't think it's even the last 24 hours. I think it comes down to the last 15 minutes.
That is very correct based on how the candidate looks. Or if the candidate's name sounds like a beverage. Hillary Clinton has just released a campaign ad that has upbeat music and it uses her name 15 times in a 30-second spot. Reiteration. So what else can candidates do to woo the idjit voter?
I teach. I've had classes and classes full of idjits year after year.
And what they respond to is less verbiage. The simplicity of your language.
Vote for this candidate. This other candidate is a bad man.
These kinds of things are important. That works all the time.
Thinking about the last election, I remember seeing a bumper sticker actually that just said Bush, and I thought, how brilliant is that? And of course he did swing that crucial idjit vote. The interesting thing was that was actually not a Bush election bumper sticker. It turned out to be a beer commercial, but it inadvertently had the same effect.
I do think that 15 seconds is too long on the Hillary commercial. It has actually 30 seconds. I think you've got to get down to five seconds at the most. Just repeat the name very fast.
Edwards is proposing lobbing balls that had Vote Edwards on the ball and just throwing them in the booth when they went in there. That is ingenious. And there's the Nerf balls so they wouldn't hurt them. But it would get the message across right at that crucial last moment.
Idjits love that. Anything that looks like a toy from their youth is going to get their vote. I myself, in the past four elections, have been an idjit voter.
Really? Yes. So was it the clarity that made you focus on the particular candidate you ultimately chose? Yes, definitely.
And it was actually the Bush bumper sticker. That's what sealed the deal. I think it comes down to the last 15 minutes.
That is very correct, based on how the candidate looks. Or if the candidate's name sounds like a beverage. Hillary Clinton has just released a campaign ad that has upbeat music and it uses her name 15 times in a 30-second spot. Reiteration. So what else can candidates do to woo the idjit voter?
I teach. I've had classes and classes full of idjits, year after year.
And what they respond to is less verbiage. The simplicity of your language.
Vote for this candidate. This other candidate is a bad man.
These kinds of things are important. That works all the time.
Thinking about the last election, I remember seeing a bumper sticker, actually, that just said Bush. And I thought, how brilliant is that? And of course, he did swing that crucial idjit vote. The interesting thing was that was actually not a Bush election bumper sticker.
It turned out to be a beer commercial. But it inadvertently had the same effect.
I do think that 15 seconds is too long on the Hillary commercial. It has actually 30 seconds. I think you've got to get down to five seconds at the most. Just repeat the name.
Well, I know that Edwards is proposing lobbing balls that had Vote Edwards on the ball and just throwing them in the booth when they went in there. That is ingenious. And there was the Nerf balls, so they wouldn't hurt them. But it would get the message across right at that crucial last moment. Idjits love that. Anything that looks like a toy from their youth is going to get their vote.
I myself, in the past three, no, four elections, have been an idjit voter.
Really? Yes. So was it the clarity that made you focus on the particular candidate you ultimately chose? Yes, definitely.
And it was actually the Bush bumper sticker. That's what sealed the deal. |
CrackerMilk | centrelink_vr_virtual_reality | Here at Centrelink, we've been trying to help all Australians in need. Unfortunately, we're still receiving heavy amounts of negative feedback, leaving many of you without the payments you deserve. Which is why we're introducing Centrelink VR. With Centrelink VR, you can make all your claims and secure your payments more conveniently than ever before. We've spent millions in taxpayer dollars to design and engineer a perfect virtual reality that architecturally matches a real-life Centrelink.
Strap in as you virtually wait in line for two hours for your virtual appointment, where a virtual assistant will see you for five minutes before she tells you she can't help you and you need to fill it out online. Virtually. Just head to your virtual home and get on your virtual computer, where you can virtually make your claim. And simply wait three to six weeks before a virtual email will tell you the fate of your virtual claim. Don't believe me? Have a listen to a few words from our satisfied users.
I think the headset burned into my retinas. I can't see anything!
So what are you waiting for? Fill out our 30-page application to join our waiting list today. Authorised by the Australian Government, Canberra or something. |
TheOnion | In_Freak_Accident_34_Katherine_Heigl_Films_Released_At_Once | This is the Onion News Network, now with more attack satellites than any other network. Right now, let's turn to the dire situation in Hollywood, where a devastating freak accident at Sony Pictures Studio has resulted in 34 Katherine Heigl movies being released at once. Onion News Network reporter Brian Scott has more.
Brian. Thanks, Brooke.
A frantic scene in Hollywood today as studio officials scramble to contain a massive stream of Katherine Heigl films pouring into theaters. At present, 19 romantic comedies, 14 screwball roms, and one attempt at art house indie credibility featuring the 32-year-old actress have hit unsuspecting theaters across the country. Sony Pictures reps claim that the disaster was caused by a night shift janitor who forgot to secure the Heigl vault after cleaning it. They released a statement earlier today saying, quote, we understand that exposure to this amount of Katherine Heigl is dangerous for anybody, even someone who doesn't hate her. We promise to do everything we can do to get the level of Heigl films back down to a much more manageable three or four per year. Industry experts are warning that one Katherine Heigl film in particular, Venus and Mars, co-starring Bradley Cooper, may be especially hazardous. Triage centers have been set up in parking lots of movie theaters nationwide, like the one behind me. We're doing the best that we can out here, but the movies are just coming out too fast. Fool Me Once with her and Justin Long, across the pond where she falls in love with Hugh Grant, this nervous Nelly movie where she wears glasses. We're all wreaking total havoc. Emergency rooms have already reported a 700 percent increase in self-blindings, and mental health wards are seeing huge numbers of new patients suffering from severe post-Heigl stress disorder. But movie critics who've had to view every one of these films have been among the hardest hit. Roger Ebert even posted an erratic plea for help this afternoon on his blog at the Chicago Sun-Times. To help these victims and others recover from the nearly 68 hours of Katherine Heigl's face and voice, FEMA has begun distributing emergency DVDs of the existential Coen Brothers film, No Country for Old Men. FEMA is also implementing an emergency plan that developed back in 1993 after Columbia Records simultaneously released 14 Toad the Wet Sprocket albums.
Brooke, back to you. Thanks, Brian.
Ms. Heigl made a statement to reporters this afternoon saying, This is absolutely tragic. Believe me, no one recognizes how terrible and grating I am more than me. I have to live with it all day, every day. I've got to say, Katherine Heigl was nothing but nice to me at the Women's Awards. |
cracked | the_pregnancy_reaction_videos_you_won_t_see | Oh my god. So I just looked at the pregnancy test and... We've got some big news! What is it? Oh! Oh yes! Yes! Oh my god.
I'm not pregnant. Look. Look at that. I'm really not pregnant. We're not pregnant!
Oh my god! You guys are not gonna have a child. I'm too pregnant! That's my boy! Oh my god baby, I'm so happy! I knew you would be. We're not pregnant! I'm the luckiest man alive. I mean, if it had been, we would have figured it out. I know, I know. I'm happy to. Guess what? You're not gonna have a little sister. Yay!
Do you prefer Gary or Grandpa? What? Gary, obviously Gary. Gary, because you are not a grandpa! Thank you!
You shouldn't have children. Neither of you should have children.
I'm so relieved because I have so many things I still have to do and I... Not pregnant. I don't even know if I want to have kids. We gotta be careful. We should start using two forms of birth control. Three.
I love you. I love you so much.
Oh, we can go on vacation! Yes, yes! |
dropout | pov_sick_day | Ugh! My eyes are extra gunky this morning. Gross. My tongue tastes like a dead person's tongue. Better swallow. And my throat feels like I'm being stabbed. Oh no, I'm sick.
Better assess the damage. Let me get my little flashlight here. Time to go exploring in cave mouth. It looks red, but it's always kind of red, so how red is bad red?
Okay, I'll check the tonsils. Tonsils.
What color phlegm is bad phlegm? White? Brown? Definitely that color.
Okay, no big deal. I'm sick, alright? When you're sick, you check WebMD. Except they always tell you you're gonna die. Okay, crusty eyes, sore throat, fever. What do I got? West Nigerian redo pox? Yeah, right.
I'll Google image search it just for the fun though. Ha! God!
Hey sweetie, what's wrong? I'm not really feeling very well. Kind of sick. Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I'm here for you. I'm gonna go get chicken soup. Here, have some tissues. Great, well I guess I better call it a work. I hate wasting a sick day on being actually sick. Alright, sound sick, sound sick. Wait, I am sick. Hello? Hey boss, I mean, hey boss, I'm so sorry. I can't come in today. I'm feeling pretty under the weather.
Again? No, for real this time. Last time wasn't real. Gotta go. Stupid.
Ah, my throat is killing me. Wonder if I have any cold medicine in here. Alright, I haven't seen this in years. I wonder if cold medicine expires.
Yep, they do. I guess I better take extra to be safe. Text from my boss. Work from home. Yeah, right. I'm not gonna do homework. I'm an adult. What do adults do?
They watch daytime TV. The barker looks terrible.
No, you know what? You know what I need more than anything?
It's just relaxation. You just need to lay down, kick back, take a little. I guess that wasn't so bad. |
TheOnion | White_Woman_Explains_Why_As_An_Anti_Racist_Ally_She_Refuses_To_Say_Any_Word_That_Starts_With_N | As an ally to the black community, I believe in doing the right thing. Always. As allies, it isn't enough to just be passively accepting. We have to stand up against racism in all its ugly forms. Which is why I, as an anti-racist ally, refuse to say absolutely any word that starts with the letter N. I'll admit it, growing up, I used to say words that start with N all the time. N-I-C-E, N-E-C-K, N-O.
But I was ignorant. I was racist. And I'm sorry. Today, I know better. I'm educated.
I know what it means to be a true anti-racist ally to the black community, and that means never refusing to ever say any word that starts with N. I believe anyone who claims to be an ally to black people but then continues to use words that start with N isn't a true ally at all. I mean, you might be asking, did a black person tell me to do this? Mm-mm. Because the black community shouldn't have to tell us to stop saying words like N-A-K-E-D. That's on us. Maybe, like me, you were raised to think it was okay to say words that start with N. Well, it's time to unlearn that.
For instance, instead of saying, I'm hungry for N-A-C-H-O-S, try saying, I'm hungry for cheesy chips. It can be exhausting educating people, but it is such a small step that can make a huge difference. For example, once I was at a restaurant with a friend and she tried to order N-A-C-H-O-S, I interrupted her and I tried to tell her that they're called cheesy chips, but she got defensive and argumentative. She said that since Spanish is her first language she should be allowed to say N-A-C-H-O, and so I said, well, maybe you should speak English. I think if a black person had been there, they would have shaken my hand and said thank you for calling them cheesy chips.
It isn't easy being an ally. You might even lose friends. But at the end of the day, I'm proud to say I always stand up for what I believe in. |
SaturdayNightLive | family_meeting_snl | Thanks for making the trip kids! Well, when you said it was an emergency, we flew in right away. Yeah, you're kind of freaking us out. are you guys okay? Oh, we are better than okay.
Look, the truth is, we had a hard time figuring out how to break the news. That's what the song is for the song. I'm sure you all have a lot of questions, but don't worry, the song will explain everything.
House A wonderful children. A thousand memories, good and bad. But we've been drifting apart from one another even though we still love each other. But now she's giving our bed to another.
But I'm cool with it, and I watch. I watch from the corner. Wait, mom, you're cheating on Dad. Oh God. no, didn't you hear the part where he said he's cool with it? Yeah, I believe my exact words were I'm cool with it, And I watch. I watch from the corner.
So who's the other man? I don't know, but I would guess it's the guy sitting in Dad's chair playing Streets of Rage, too. What up? God, I am so confused right now. Oh, well. I'm so glad you said that cuz the next part of the song will explain everything.
His name is Sukray, and he's a felon. He explored my whole body like Magellan.
He plays Streets of Rage, too, and then he pleasures me in bed and I'm cool with it, And I watch. I watch from the corner. I don't understand why you're so pumped about watching from the corner.
Yeah, and I'm sorry. his name is Sukray. Yeah, Sukray. Well, I darski what? You're in a throuple now with a guy named Sukray. Well, I darski.
Damn. you guys are being mad annoying right now. How many times do your parents have to say this? The next part of the song will explain everything? Thank you Sukray! And by the way, I'm not happy that I just had to stop just now. You distracting me so badly that a guy with a Mohawk just punched me in my health window. I think you guys should apologize to Sukray about the Mohawk guy. No, I'm not apologizing to Sukray. You guys should tell us what's actually happening. Well, we're trying to, but you keep interrupting. The next part of the song really spells things out. My name spelled s-u-c-r-e-w-o-l-o-d-r-s-k-e Hey, can I ask you a question? Yes, Sukray. how are these three kids yours?
Well, I was on top for him. Yeah, and I was on top for her. Then we did it on the side one time and he came out.
That's not how it works. You guys were adults. You could do what you want. I just want to make sure that you didn't touch the grandkids college fund. Well, of course we go over that in this next part.
All the college money to Sukray Sukray. This Sukray? that what do you think of the guitar solo? This is a nightmare.
Guys, I know this is a lot to take in, but I have some good news. I just beat Street Streets of Rage 2. This is the best day of my life. Also, I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I'm almost positive I'm pregnant and I'll watch from the corner you. |
cracked | vin_diesel_s_accidentally_brilliant_website | Hey guys, so I was thinking about Vin Diesel the other day, right? Cuz I love him always constantly Yeah, I was like, I wonder what he's up to Seen his website Okay, like his his Well, it's personal and it's Professional knowing Vin it's gonna be a delightful mix of the two the first thing you'll notice when you come here on van diesel calm Is there's a journal right on the front page? It's just Vince private thoughts Well, that's what I thought. I was very excited for his like Vin journal. I want to yeah I want to hear his private thoughts.
His one entry on his journal is from September 30th 2013 with a picture of him and it just says Vin. That's not a journal It's not even a photo from September 2013 Is it a still from the original Fast and Furious movie?
So then I was like you can leave comments It says leave comment, right? You click on it The comment link doesn't work.
Oh, then I thought it's been afraid of us bullying him Well, but then I thought maybe leave comments is the journal entry This is like in the office when they gave Creed just a like a word document that he thought was a blog Do his journal entries like was like the one before this from like 2008 and it's just a photo of him from like saving Private Ryan does he just like cut out photos of himself from movies and put them in his journal and write Vin underneath Just to like remind himself He sure was My theory is he wants to write this journal because if this was just like Created by the designer and he didn't want to do it. He would have taken it down by now I feel like it's like how I bought Ikea furniture in October and I still haven't built it but I but it's there and I Still have the receipts. This is the Ikea receipts of journaling Yeah, it's just a photo of yourself from a movie Leave a comment Vin Make Vin Diesel. No, he make Vin make Vin journal.
I say to all night thinking about this I saw the fast and the fears moving by myself in a movie theater in Boston. What else is on?
Okay, so the photo section is photos from that. He's posted from his sets. Here's some stills from the last witch hunter There's an album. It's very you know standard photos a lot of photos of Calder.
They're sized weird Chloe and Calder noses and she can't see them.
Okay, this one's just Vin's neckline neckline neckline Plunging neckline so he updates the photo section pretty regularly 2015 at least do you think this is on his like monthly to-do list? So kudos to Vin for not like delegating his personal website to like an assistant he should probably learn about like sizing the photograph It's very well. Okay. It's funny. You say that they're all himself because on his website you can actually submit Fan art and you can post it for you in his Vin book, which is the only thing in this whole site That's trademark. It's trademark. I like to imagine that there's some start about there. That's like a wine book club That's like damn it Vince Vaughn's pissed You can submit your name your email and a message for Vin if you do nothing this week Do that You can literally just download photos from Google.
This is an iMovie Yeah, plain slideshow of what he does kind of look like one of the dudes from right said friend I'm wondering if this is like some kind of code Like is this like a national treasure situation where Vin wants us to figure out the clues to find Some Nicolas Cage artifact beneath the nation's capital. He does leave clues in his photo albums So there was a clue that he was gonna be in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. There was Maybe it was on Instagram then maybe people caught onto it But on a site if you the real believers can get this information early He says Marvel meeting only the people in the room can tell you what was discussed PS Thanks to our page for pushing to make it happen You know, I get tunnel vision with my work and after that meeting today Wow, August 29 2013 So I remember when this yeah I remember I remember this little breadcrumb that he dropped for us and was ever there was a lot of like Oh, who's been gonna play and it was like well, he's gonna do the voice of a tree Okay, so you can actually buy stuff in a store, but the door is called diesel, which is the name of a brand that exists You know, I can't with this new brand. It's called products Also, you guys all know the name of his production company, right? One race very clever So you can buy shirts here for his one race and brother That's like give the wrong idea I don't know if I can't wear a shirt that says one. Yeah So I've been these are just such a fascinating man to me like he you guys have seen his karaoke videos Okay, so this is a video of Vin Diesel singing Karaoke to Rihanna stay and he just sings it really earnestly and you can see like the reflection of Rihanna's music video like on His face, but there's multiple angles. So this isn't like um, this is like right like he had somebody an orchestrated Aesthetic is a just a religious thing going on. Okay, I'm gonna play it It's not even the karaoke version he's singing with her Hey guys, thanks for watching this video Make sure you click the C to subscribe and then the bell which is somewhere on the screen. I don't know where at the bottom Yeah, it's also a secret that you have to find Yeah, it's like a game but click it and it'll tell you when we put new videos up like this cool video And also tell Vin Diesel to journal sent it some art Send him this video. We should send him this video |
TheOnion | Anti_Jacketers_Rally_Outside_Burlington_Coat_Factory_To_Protest_Liberal_Cold_Weather_Conspiracy | As temperatures drop, tensions are on the rise over a simple garment that we all use to protect ourselves. Hear how one group of anti-jacketers is leading a growing movement against the use of coats and fleeces, despite their proven effectiveness from the cold. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is the Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I say it's time you liberate your ears from the tyranny of headphones and blast this news at full volume for everyone to hear, even if you are in public. So crank up that freedom, and stay with us. Hypothermia is a hoax, chill doesn't kill, chill doesn't kill. Those were the sounds of a demonstration yesterday in Schaumburg, Illinois, where dozens showed up at an anti-jacketer rally outside a Burlington coat factory to protest what they're calling the, quote, liberal cold weather conspiracy.
OPR's Marcy Hammond joins me now with more. Hello, Marcy. Hi, Leslie.
Marcy, what do we know about these anti-jacketers? Well, Leslie, these citizens are part of a new movement who believe that dying from the cold is nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to control Americans by making them wear very restrictive thick layers and puffy sleeves. I spoke to protest organizer Dennis Crane, and here's what he had to say. The chances of actually dying from the cold are incredibly low. Fewer people die from the flu every year than the people who have died from the cold. This wear-a-coat nonsense is all one big plot laid out by the fur coat-wearing liberals to force us into wearing these stupid things. What we know better than to be afraid of what the fake news media says about the weekend forecast, no one's going to blow me up. This is America. And despite the dropping temperatures, these anti-jacketers have started protesting all over the northern states, showing up in droves wearing t-shirts and tank tops. I spoke to a few of them, and here's what they had to say on the issue.
All this cold weather is just going to disappear in a few months anyway. Plus, coats don't even work. They can't stop the cold from spreading, so there's no point in wearing one. God made us warm-blooded for a reason. First, it's pea coats and capelets. Next, they'll have us wearing scarves and hats and mittens and snowpants until we can't grab things with our fingers and we boil from the inside.
Sir, are you okay? Your fingers are turning black. Do you want my gloves?
Get your straight jacket of tyranny away from me! Wool coats are for sheep! Sheep!
They certainly sound dedicated to their cause, and those things can get pretty hot and uncomfortable, but Marcy, we should note that coats and jackets have been scientifically proven to trap heat around the body and shield us from the wind. That's right, but these anti-jacketers are quick to argue that the only people who actually benefit from wearing coats are the frail elderly and people whose bodies just run cold no matter what. The situation outside Burlington Coat Factory really escalated, though, when a group of counter-protesters made up of concerned mothers arrived.
Let's take a listen. What are you doing? You'll catch your death. Get inside right now. Because that's what'll happen, and Dave will be sorry.
Have you ever heard of pants? Maybe some long pants? Maybe the gloves? The counter-protesting mothers were completely bundled from head to toe pleading for the anti-jacketers to at least put something on their heads.
Both parties, however, eventually dispersed once the store closed, except for a few stragglers who collapsed from hypothermia and froze to death. Well, sounds like a mostly happy ending. Well, not really. People died. Yeah, I guess.
Thanks for the report, Marcy. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond, back in a moment.
We're starting today's edition by jumping straight into OPR's ongoing coverage of the Monsanto Lab disaster in Socorro County, New Mexico. The sprawling agrochemical lab has been on complete lockdown for seven hours now as security personnel attempt to capture a rampaging tomato that broke free from its containment vessel earlier this morning. OPR senior reporter Rebecca Neal is joining us now from the scene just outside the lab in New Mexico, where the situation is still ongoing. Rebecca, what can you tell us? Leslie, around 8 a.m. this morning, Monsanto biotechs went to the lab's isolation vegetable chamber to perform a routine aspartame injection into the tomato, only to find the six-inch thick glass receptacle that housed the tomato ruptured from the inside. And tragically, they also found the chamber's four armed guards lying dead on the floor with shards of tomato vines sticking out of their necks and vital organs. Here is audio of one of the biotechs calling in the breach to the dedicated emergency line at Monsanto headquarters in St. Louis. We've suffered a Code 9 containment breach in the isolation vegetable chamber.
Looks like it was a tomato. Four down. Is the tomato in custody? Negative, but there is a pulp trail leading to the ventilation shaft. It could be anywhere. Shit. My God. Copy. Initiating lockdown sequence. The tomato still remains at large, and sources tell me its unusual size and strength due to weekly experimental fertilizer injections has made it hard to apprehend. It's boring through concrete walls by emitting a concentrated form of citric acid and leaving gallons of unremitting viscous secretions in its wake, drowning 11 people so far. My God.
How long can the tomato go on like this? The tomato is strong, Leslie. Remember that Monsanto vegetables at a baseline level are modified to have bulletproof skin and a shelf life of more than three months. I'm told some fear it's indestructible at this point. And where is it now? Well, according to the latest security footage, it has found its way to the lab's germination wing, where it is currently peacefully devouring a generous supply of mulch. Well, why don't they go after the tomato now that it's sedentary? They tried to send a SWAT team member in during its mulch break, but it did not go as planned. Here's an audio recording from the attempt to contain the tomato.
Warning, this is chilling. Outside the germination wing, approaching the door. Jesus, my nuclear readings are off the charts. Oh, God, I feel like my skin is burning. I see the tomato growing through the window. It's burning my eyes.
Sergeant, unseal the door and carry on. You'll be fine. Copy, sir. Unsealing wing door and...
Sergeant? Sergeant, are you there? Motherfuck! Did he... Did that SWAT member explode? What did I just hear?
Unfortunately, the SWAT member was immediately vaporized by the radioactive emissions beaming off the tomato. Apparently, the tomato is now dangerously radioactive after burrowing to Monsanto's underground waste site, where vegetables and fruits that register too high in plutonium are dumped. Security personnel were prepared to evacuate the 2,300 employees on lockdown inside, but now with fears of radiation exposure, those plans have been put on hold. Complete chaos.
What does Monsanto have to say about all this? They released a short statement today from their St. Louis headquarters.
Despite today's unfortunate events, there is still hope for the escaped tomato specimen to be safely recaptured, rehabilitated, and then marketed under the trade name Ruby Gold Delicious, which will be juicy and delectable for all seasons. Thank you. Ruby Gold Delicious? Sounds delicious.
I wouldn't get too excited, Leslie. Sources say despite the company's statement, and especially after the tomato appeared to grow opposable thumbs, there's no hope to capture it. I'm told that Monsanto has no choice at this point but to bomb the entire facility via a thermonuclear airstrike with the tomato and all employees inside. Well, I mean, that's the only thing you can do at this point.
Tragic, but necessary. Thanks for the report, Rebecca. And hey, make sure you get outside that 1,000-yard radius of the facility pronto. Yeah, no kidding, right? Yikes. Put that pedal to the metal, girlfriend. Okay, we'll be back after the break.
On this Thanksgiving, we're learning a little bit more about those who first celebrated the festive tradition and what they can tell us about our own biological shortcomings. Researchers at Boston University believe they have traced the American obesity epidemic to a single heavy-set passenger who sailed aboard the Mayflower. OPR historical health correspondent Joyce Evert joins me now with more.
Hello, Joyce. Hi, Leslie.
So what can you tell us about this startling discovery? Well, Leslie, through an exhaustive analysis of genetic samples, ship logs, and tattered medical records from the early 17th century, researchers have determined that the majority of severely overweight individuals in the United States today share key genetic markers that were passed down from a 327-pound Plymouth colony settler named Jeremiah Alden. Here's biologist Alan Fortner explaining how this one particularly hefty passenger gave rise to the elevated BMIs of modern Americans by landing on Plymouth Rock in 1620. At a time when the average European male weighed perhaps 135 pounds, Jeremiah Alden's tremendous size was an exceedingly rare trait, which is indicated by contemporary accounts of him as and as wide across as three men together. After carefully sequencing DNA from Alden's remains, we determined that it was he who introduced a predisposition towards slow metabolism and sedentary personal habits into the American genome. Wow, it's extraordinary to think that my own tendency to overeat and aversion to exercise could go all the way back to the Mayflower.
That's true, Leslie. And it wasn't just food.
Jeremiah also appeared to have a healthy appetite for women and fathered as many as 15 children in different settlements. From there, his descendants moved all over the country. In fact, a related genealogical study has shown that Jeremiah Alden is an ancestor to nearly 70% of the entire population of Chicago alone.
I thought it would have been more. However, Dr. Fortner says that living in a country where over 62% of the population is either overweight or obese almost didn't happen.
Here he is again. Though he counted for only one of the Mayflower's 102 passengers, logs kept during the voyage claimed he had quote, near-devoured rations set aside for one man's entire voyage before setting sail from England. The passenger goes on to add that quote, ye slothful fellow who erupteth through his waistcoat with girth, ye sweat always upon his crimson-hued face, ate our lot of salt pork. The crew grows mutinous. And wife Constance, gaunt and scurvy, may perish yet while ye idle Jeremiah consumes three and 20 biscuits by noonday. Mutiny on the Mayflower was, of course, avoided by the passengers eventually signing the Mayflower Compact, which created a temporary set of laws and strict portion sizes for the new colony. We also know that Jeremiah Alden did, in fact, attend the first Thanksgiving in 1621 through the diary of the Mayflower's captain, Christopher Jones. Here's Dr. Fortner reading from the captain's pages. Mr. Alden had the breath of many men and eats as such, without nary a mite of shame, his wide fleshly hands eternally imparting morsels unto his happy mouth. The savages were anchored and cried out, for Jeremiah went back for double, treble, and quadruple servings of wild fowl and maize. Yet he merely shrugged and smiled in a bashful way in accordance with his generally joyous and agreeable comportment.
Well, the natives shouldn't have made Thanksgiving buffet style if they were going to get upset about that. Now, Joyce, is it possible that Jeremiah brought over more epidemics than just obesity, like, say, irritable bowel syndrome, or having nipples that go inward? Um, no, there is currently no evidence that would support that, nor any evidence that either of those are an epidemic at all. Oh, well, I just figured I'd ask. But what we do know is that while Jeremiah certainly set our nation on the wrong path in terms of excessive weight and unhealthy food choices, we must all take responsibility for our own health. Otherwise, we might end up just like Jeremiah, who died of a heart attack at age 46 after being accused of witchcraft. Ugh, that would be the last thing I need right now.
Thanks, Joyce. That's O.P.R.'s Joyce Evert, back in a moment.
I covered the rest of this news in bacon to make sure it stays extra moist. And now it's time for the gravy. Here's what else you need to know today.
It's been two weeks since the United States honored its military service members by celebrating Veterans Day, which is why so many were confused this morning by the sight of a sweating, pantsless Rudy Giuliani emerging from the tomb of the unknown soldier. The former New York City mayor appeared both flushed and a little famished, wearing nothing but his underpants, but insisted that there was nothing to worry about as he was simply paying his respects to our fallen men and women in uniform, a disturbing sight to see nonetheless.
And big news ahead of tomorrow's holiday as the nation's ants have officially announced their 2020 Thanksgiving boyfriend roster. Both over Zoom and in person, single ants from across the country plan to unveil what they believe is their strongest rookie class of middle-aged romantic partners ever at this year's Thanksgiving dinner and are even hinting that the release of several prominent boyfriends from prison might provide a welcome shakeup during this year's festivities. The nation's ants also announced their plans to honor those who led the way by memorializing all the boyfriends who passed away over the year in four-wheeler accidents and belly flop contests.
And finally, in some news that could disrupt your Thanksgiving dinner, Mr. Big Shot Chef over here has announced his plans to smoke a turkey this year. Well, don't let me hold you up there, Wolfgang Puck. Wouldn't want to get in the way of you and your fucking Michelin stars. And as for the rest of your family, don't worry. Still plenty of time to order in before tomorrow. And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. Folks, if you absolutely insist on seeing the people who mean the most to you in this world tomorrow, please remember to do it responsibly, with your mouths and nostrils closed at all times. No exceptions. Breathing is how we got into this mess in the first place, and just because it's a holiday doesn't mean it won't kill you now. And just in case it is the last time you see your family, be sure to tell them about the topical.
Maybe even play them an episode or two. They might really enjoy it. And if they do, they can even sign up to become a member of the topical's Patreon, where they'll have access to all kinds of exclusive news content. And for those who sign up to become a member of our $10 tier, I'll even thank you by name or whatever kind of comes out of my mouth naturally live on air.
Today's shout-out goes to Andrew Wagster and Stacey Thewis, as well as a member of our $25 tier, The Joe Finn. We here at The Topical are thankful for your support and wish you and your families a very happy Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you're Jewish, in which case, happy Hanukkah. Oh, and Daniel Trice, don't think I didn't notice that you deleted your $5 contribution this month. I hate to break it to you, but it's gonna cost you a lot more than five bucks to pay for those penis enlargement pills. So before you come crawling back next month, maybe think about everything you've been taking for granted in your life and all that you should have been thankful for. Tis the fuckin' season, asshat. And to everyone who isn't Daniel, we'll see you right back here tomorrow for a very special Thanksgiving episode of The Topical. We'll see you next time. For worse things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_zombies | Today we are playing Zombie Games. This is Typing of the Dead. This is House of the Dead except with words in front of the zombies and instead of shooting at things with a light gun, you have to type at them.
Oh good, because shooty was my least favorite part. It's so funny that even the main character, they took the gun out of his hand and strapped the keyboard. He actually got a keyboard.
Wow, those are longer words than I thought. And punctuation? That's hard. Here's my question. This game has English words and typing in it.
Will Japanese kids be better at it than American kids at it or what? Yes, they're better at everything.
Well, I heard they played video games ten months and years. I don't think this game is that bad, but what's incredible about it is just the concept. Who decided to take House of the Dead and turn it into a typing keyboard? Well, finally George Romero and Mavis Beacon have teamed up to make a game. They should sell a game where one person has to use a keyboard, one person has to use a gun, and it's called Brothers Fighting.
It's remarkable that they got the words Bikini and Samurai Squad into the title without ever alluding to the fact they're going to be fighting zombies. That seems like it should be right there. Samurai Squad is not like that weird because there's been samurai. There's like seven samurai, technically a samurai squad. The Bikini part. I think here's the original title for seven samurai. Seven Samurai Squad.
I'm gonna call them with bikinis. Call them bikinis.
Beginning with a blood. The miraculous blood that bestows incredible strength, if those with it in their veins are covered in the blood of us. So anyway, I read about the game on Wikipedia. The way the game works is you're gonna be fighting zombies and if you are covered in blood, you gotta get the bikini girl covered in the zombie's blood, then you can use her special moves. Sounds like just programmed by some like snow film enthusiast.
Yeah. This is one of those great press a button to completely dismember everything around you. Well, it's good. Yeah.
No, there's more cowboy hats. There's a lot of jiggle. Not the zombie. Can we see that again? Come out. Turn towards camera real quick. Look at that jiggle.
That's a little ridiculous. That's like, no one moves like that. That's an anti-gravity.
There we go. I'm so glad they decided this bikini samurai squad member needed a cowboy hat. I completely agree with that. And cowboy boots. She's like a legit stripper.
I think this is what people in Japan think of when they think of Americans. This is all American women to them. And men probably.
This is Call of Duty World at War. Call of Duty known for being a pretty straight respectful adaptation of World War II. Of the real war.
Yeah. But for this one, they were like, you know what, this game's missing, Nazi zombie mode. How much typing does this game have, Jeff? It really imitates life of the reality of the war, you know? That's exactly how it unfolded. Yeah. I like that you have to maintain a barricade. That's how actual zombie movies work. It's kind of the worst of both worlds.
What's the worst kind of zombie? A Nazi zombie. What's the worst kind of Nazi? A Nazi zombie. No, the two things you could always kill in movies and video games were Nazis and zombies.
There's no moral ambiguity there. So to combine them is just brilliant. I've never felt better.
Who would you root for in a battle between Nazis and zombies? You gotta go with a zombie. You gotta root for zombies.
If not, you seem like a really sure one. Oh, yeah. Guys, what have we learned today?
Why is that? Why do they make such good video game enemies? I think zombies and robots always make the best bad guys for kids because you can kill them willy-nilly and not worry about they have emotions or family. But robots don't explode with blood. Right. They're organic yet not human. It still feels like you're killing a human without the guilt. Let me ask you this. There's a zombie epidemic. You get bitten, but you have a gun.
Do you just end yourself or do you want to see how the other side lives? You gotta see how the other side lives, right?
I don't know. I don't know which I choose. Does it hurt a lot? Does the transformation hurt a lot? I don't know. You don't know.
You've never been a zombie before.
Yeah, they never really talk about that. Like any part of you remains. Yeah. The zombie documentaries I watched, they never get the zombie point of view, you know? |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_the_internet_making_us_dumb | The internet's not making us dumber. I'll explain why as soon as I finish watching this video of a goat twerking. If anything, the internet is making us smarter. I'm learning new things all the time. Like five years ago, I had no idea what Princess Peach's butthole looked like.
Yeah, people on the internet are dumb. Check out the comments below this video. They're gonna be dumb. You people commenting are all dumb. People are always like, oh, the internet's just full of so much useless information.
The internet has taught me a lot, especially about myself. Apparently, I'm a big homosexual who needs to STFU and die. I think in a lot of ways I'm much smarter now than I used to be, but I'm also a lot dumber. I have much better critical thinking now, but it also takes me like three seconds to remember what an adverb is. And that's verily embarrassing. Google is so good at figuring out what I mean that I don't even bother to spell correctly anymore.
We're not getting stupider. We've always been stupid.
Before the internet, we watched daytime TV. And before that, we were watching silent films of men washing horses. And before that, we were just running around shooting buffaloes in the face for fun.
Boo.
Hey, if you like that video, click me to subscribe. You might not know this, but Dan's actually a marionette controlled by a 40-foot giant. That's ridiculous. Dimitri, cut him loose. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_airplane_song_snl | And I forgot my charger, damn it. Headphones, sir. Uh, yeah, sure. That'll be $29.99. What? No, never mind, thank you. Alrighty, sir. It's gonna be a long flight. Is watching Brad Pitt in an astronaut. Now I Am the man Who watches the man Who watches the movie Catted Corner to Me My Kingdom is Dead I am rock-dog in this flight So Why will you watch, will you watch As The Man to my right? Well, and some headphones Life Couldn't be better And when I look up, I see They Got my favorite movie ever I'm watching Ed Astra Brad Pitt's in the zone I look over my shoulder And realize I am not alone Because back there is a man He's watching me mad He's watching my movie Catted Corner to me His breath is on my neck I can't keep watching like this I gotta turn off the movie His hand grabs my wrist Dude, what are you doing? I Got nothing to do My Kingdom is dead So I am living through you How can you even watch it? There's no captions I'll keep it on If You can tell me what just happened Probably Brad is at Astra No, that's not his name Then Who the hell is at Astra? You sound totally insane He'll just play my Sudoku I do not know how What? I Never learned the rules And I Am not starting now Would you two shut up? This Poor soul has nothing His Kingdom is dead One day it could be you With Nothing to do but stare ahead I am the Air Marshal On my plane. There's one rule You must do unto others As you have them do to you You Hurt. One day you'll be the man Who Watches the Man Who watches the movie Cat and corner to me If Your Kingdom is Dead And Your raw dog in the Sprite Then You will watch what he watches For The Man To Your right Yeah, yeah, yeah Enjoy Your flight Thanks for watching! |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_2 | Last time on Street Fighter the Later Years So look at this! You pick up that mob, or you're fired. Talsin, some teeth? We should reorganize. Start another tournament here in the city. We need training. We know the best trainer there is.
Bison. Bullies pushing you around. Boss getting you down. Wouldn't you like to rip through their bodies with a Hadouken?
The secrets hidden by Ansatsuken Masters for generations are now available on three video cassettes. Learn Hadouken, Ansatsuken, and hey, is that Rasputin? If I had known Ryuken to Duken, maybe I wouldn't have been castrated. Available wherever videotapes are sold.
So, Sam Gooding? Ryu. You only want to make a fucking profit. Ryu? All these years I've been calling him Ryu. You're a pair of tits, you know that? Give me that flask on the top shelf.
Nobody remembers Street Fighter anymore. All they want to do is crash cars and eat hookers. We're as defunct as the USSR. We'll do all the legwork. They fucked us over with turbo, they fucked us over with a movie.
The fire's dead. Rolled Julia's dead. Drink it out of glass.
What? Are we still in Thailand? No depth perception. Second? Mr. Zangief, if you think that you are welcome and sag us home, you're wrong.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to feed Tiger. Tiger! Face it, Michael. You could be doing better. We're doing just fine. Tiger! Ah, shit.
Forget Ryu. Go for the peripheral characters first. Find these two. Then I'll train you. |
dropout | kinda_racist_try_diet_racism | If there's a black entertainment network, shouldn't there be a white entertainment network? Do you say sort of racist stuff but stop short of saying the n-word? Enjoy the refreshing taste of diet racism. The same sweet ignorance of regular racism, but with none of the guilt or self-awareness. You know I'm not racist, but I would never date an Asian guy. Diet racism. Because you're afraid of blacks and Latinos, but you'd never say that out loud. It's the perfect beverage for people who don't directly contribute to oppression, but have strong opinions about how other cultures should handle it. Stopping for it shouldn't be a problem if you've got nothing to hide. For that busy, on-the-go professional who doesn't have the strength to admit he's been given at least a slight advantage by being born white. The Irish were persecuted too, you know. For the stay-at-home mom who hates affirmative action because she doesn't remember that black kids had to be escorted to school by the army. My kids would have a way easier time getting into college if they were minorities. Diet racism. Because you just don't get it.
The official beverage of the Washington Redskins.
Hey guys, I'm Mer from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, here to watch more videos, or anywhere else you damn well please, okay? Don't let the government tell you where you can and cannot click. I've got some literature on the subject. |
SaturdayNightLive | blonde_snl | This fall, Netflix released Blonde an Nc-17 No holds barred. Look at the life of Marilyn Monroe. here's a preview. Marilyn, What's the holdup? we're about to shoot the big dance number. I'm just gonna mess it up. Ducky, It's like I'm a slave to this Marilyn Monroe. Oh, don't say that Marilyn.
Everybody loves you and to cheer you up. I brought in Deb and Agnes from the studio to read you all your adoring fan mail. Come on in, ladies, This is the most fan mail we've ever seen. Yeah, we picked up some of the best ones to make you feel better. And I do need the love Daddy, Let's hear those letters, Okay, You are the sweetheart of this and every other month, even February.
Here's another one. Marilyn, I wish I was you. Marilyn.
You are a whore. No one will ever love you. You disgusting tramp. You're poisoning our children. Not a fan.
That one must have gotten mixed up in the mail, Well, here's a good one. Marilyn. You are a sweetheart and your smile is a sweetheart too. you're a sweetheart sweetheart. Love from Louisville. Gee, I think I'm ready to start that Marilyn, you dumb baboon.
Your brain is in your butt and I'd like to kick it. it's not a fan. What the hell was that? Um, maybe we could scream these a little or if they get really mean I don't know. Bail.
Well, it's hard Miss Monroe because some of them start nice and in mean and some of them start mean and then nice and then some of them start mean and just in. Well, do any of them start nice and stay nice?
Sure, here's one. Miss Monroe? You sure? it's all nice? Yeah, yeah. Top to front, side to side. Marilyn You are a whore. Here's an idea. Maybe if it says whore, we skip that and say flower instead. You got it. Marilyn.
You were born a flower and you will die a flower. And your mother was a flower too. Wait, I got a good one. I really look up to you. I'm also a flower.
I not a fan. Everyone just hates Marilyn Monroe.
I should have stayed Norma Jean. Oh, well, this one's addressed to Norma Jean.
Really? Only one person in the world calls me that Norma Jean, it's your Dad. not a fan. Well, maybe we don't read any that say not a fan at the end. Well, this one says not a fan at the beginning. Is that okay? No, I'm sorry. who are you two again? where were your fan mail readers and that's your whole job?
Well, we're also beards for some of the gay stars, but we can't say which Rock Hudson?
Okay, I think I'm ready to be done with these old women, Please No, no, just just give us one more chance. Yeah, yeah, this one will be nice. Look, it's a drawing.
It's you in jail for being a whore. Ladies, You're fired. let me see those letters.
Here's one that here's one that really says what the public feels about you. Marilyn, You're a genius in an icon now. Go dance your heart maybe. Did it really say that? Who knows.
I can't read. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mike_johnson_elected_as_house_speaker_trump_testifies_in_civil_fraud_trial_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, after weeks of struggling to elect a new Speaker of the House, Republicans gave up and just generated one with A.i. There's no way Mike Johnson is a real person. he's supposed to be a conservative Republican, yet he looks like every Msnbc host combined. I feel like the way Mike Johnson got elected is that after weeks of voting, Republicans got bored and they all wrote in the same fake name, and then they were like, wait, that's a real guy?
Speaker Mike Johnson has also been called homophobic for supporting anti-lgbtq legislation and saying homosexuality is bizarre and deviant, which are two fantastic gay clubs on the West Side. former President and current courtroom sketch model Donald Trump testified on the stand for the first time in over 10 years, and it's fun that nobody is 100% sure which trial this sketch is from. it turns out it was from a civil fraud trial where Michael Cohen testified against Donald Trump while Trump was in the courtroom, and I believe we have video. Michael Cohen testified that Donald Trump's three oldest children were involved in putting together financial statements for his company. Ivanka wrote the summaries, Don Jr. put together the numbers, and Eric licked the envelopes. Michael Cohen testified that Trump would look at the total value of his assets and say, I'm actually not worth $4.5 billion. I'm really worth more like six. Four and a half is basically six is also what he tells Melania. And earlier today, Mike Pence officially ended his Presidential campaign. he made the decision after he consulted with God and God said, dude, you're embarrassing both of us. a new poll shows President Biden and Donald Trump are tied in a hypothetical 2024 rematch, though they're both running 50 points behind.
Kill Me. King Charles will visit Kenya next week, where he is expected to acknowledge Britain's role in the slave trade and, unfortunately, attempt to return Meghan. I just report the news, guys. I'm glad I didn't tell it. Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching the bank foreclose on a single mother, says that he has completely recovered after two incidents where he appeared to freeze up and become unresponsive. But suspiciously, he made the comments while being held up by two guys in beach wear. |
dropout | what_s_inside_adele_s_pockets | I'm Adele, hello from Inside My Pockets. This is a nice little bottle of polish for my finger tops and I keep it near empty as a memory jog about the emptiness of love. This is my Who's That card, you know, for when people don't know that it's me. Some of my shiny ones for when they vote my voice all pretty, these are all the things I won this week, thanks America.
Beyonce has never had a heart ripped out through her grub hole, she is plain and simple as a dummy's dimple. Yeah but no we're great friends.
Sometimes I practice hanging my thumb just to see. It's like if you're just a bit sad, you just want to hang your thumb and not your neck.
I drank three bottles of red and then I realised that my voucher sort of said my name. Look, Adele, ta, Adele ta, wicked.
Oh, these are so it's always a windy shit day. I don't know, I was just walking in Hyde Park and now these won't go away.
These are all the loves that I make my sad songs about. Oh Steve, never mind I'll find someone like Steve. These are me cry cry tabbies for when I feel even the slightest bit of joy, cos you know, I've got to be sad, otherwise what is Adele? I took my dog's eyes so everything I see is black and white as a Beetlejuice, like a film noir. He's my favourite friend.
Is it bad that I just want to put my fingers in there? You can watch another funny video. If you click like right here, you can pretend like you're holding me and I'm a tiny person. Whoa, let me down, let me down. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_180_Ross_Jones_Federal_ICAC_Now_Party_FIN | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hello and welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, my name is Errol Parker, here with me again, as always, it's Clancy Overall, Clancy, how's your week been?
Yeah, good mate, yeah, we, you know, as has been reported in the newspaper, we felt a few tremors here on Wednesday, it was a rather scary time for us all, but you know, we've experienced this before and we will rebuild, but yeah, outside of that, things are good, things are good, still outside of lockdown and hoping to keep it that way. Well yeah mate, there were a lot of road crews out having to fix the roads after the earthquake, we had up here on Wednesday, you know, gas works, various things like that, but one thing though that pales in comparison to this earthquake that the nation felt from Broome to Bega, from Cairns to Esperance, was some of the ripples coming out of Canberra this previous week about a one-time Attorney General, Christian Porter, taking money from what essentially was a discretionary trust, blind trust, if you're like Barnaby Joyce and have a degree in accounting, you know, there were questions whether was Christian Porter acting in the faith of the law, in the true spirit of the law, or was Christian Porter being corrupt? And those are questions that we will never know answers to, because we don't have a federal corruption watchdog, however today on the show we have Ross Jones. Ross Jones is an independent investigative journalist working for independent Australia among other things, he's written various books on different facets of Australian politics in recent years, namely the James Ashby case, and most importantly today he is here in his capacity as being one of the head honchos of the Federal ICAC Now Party, which has just been registered with the AEC, he joins us here today, Ross how are you? Good thanks, good.
Now just delving into this question of having a Federal ICAC, why haven't we had a Federal ICAC in Australian Federal politics before? There's been a couple of attempts at it, the Greens put up a proposal a couple of years ago into the Senate, and it got through the Senate, it got bounced in the House of Representatives, Helen Haynes in the House of Reps put up an independent bill, Morrison and the LNP they refused to hear that bill, refused to let it through, and I think in answer to your question the real reason is because the LNP don't want a Federal ICAC, they certainly don't want an ICAC. So how has the ICAC, as we know it basically in New South Wales, it's the independent crime and corruption commission thereabouts, but how did that come about in New South Wales? I think it was a while ago now, but Nick Griner started it, and he was its first victim pretty much, but it's evolved since then, it's going on quite well, this whole current thing with Maguire really came out of their inquiry into Canterbury Council, just a little passing inquiry into Canterbury Council and a wiretap and Bob's your uncle, you've got Maguire. Queensland is familiar with this kind of watchdog, and we certainly don't have a watchdog with gummy teeth in the shape of the Triple C, that was kind of, I guess, brought into existence under Joe, after Joe, at the fall of Joe, and it's funny, it might never have happened had that ABC Four Corners been aired the Moonlight State with Chris Masters where he kind of blew the lid off the joke, which is what the police and the politicians that were referring to their syndicate at the time in the 80s, and at the same time Joe was out of the state, so there was an acting deputy who then called for a Fitzgerald inquiry, that was all chance, there's a lot of chance required to get something like this off the ground usually, and I don't think, if you're stamping out any kind of opportunity for that to take place, if you don't have a deputy willing to keep you honest, or the likes, if you don't even have a public broadcaster willing to broadcast those things, which we also know our government's keen to kind of slash as much as they can, you don't really get these results, but you've come an interesting way in, Ross, with the Federal ICAC Now Party, can you tell us about the grassroots of that, and when those rumblings started, and who kind of got together to talk about this? We started about three years ago when I was working with Independent Australia as Investigations Editor, the amount of stuff that used to come across our desk was enormous, but you can't stand up and allege someone's corrupt, you can't just stand there and say, mate, you're corrupt, because that way lies pain and lots of lawsuits, but still nobody was doing anything about it, the Greens had put up a bill that was successful in the Senate, but not in the Reps, and Helen Haynes' bill failed, didn't even get put up in the Reps, so a lot of our readers got together and thought, well, you know, this is just getting out of hand, we need to bring some political clout directly to bear on this, because nobody's doing anything about it whatsoever, so through the pages of Independent Australia, we started floating the idea that we'd have a party called Federal ICAC Now, which happily translates, abbreviates to FINN, which is pretty good, and a lot of people responded very positively, extremely positively, so within, I think we started it in May 2019, by 2020 we had our members all up and we had enough members to go with, we submitted our proposal, or our application, to the AEC in October 2020, and at that time you needed 500 people on the electoral roll, valid electors, to support your party, you have to provide that list to the AEC, they check it, they go through all their checks on it, and verify that they all are indeed members, and if they are, and you've done everything else right, you get a party, so eventually we ended up with a political party, and that, we got that in September the 2nd, because when we first lodged it, it's supposed to take 12 weeks, then they had the groomed by-election almost straight away, and when they've got a by-election, the AEC all just put their ugg boots on and go home, so they weren't processing anything, so we had to wait till the end of that, that was February, so, and then they dragged on and on and on, so we didn't hear anything for an awfully long time, so we finally got it through in September, and then almost immediately, or even before they'd announced that we were successful, the Libs put another bill through Parliament called the Electoral Amendment Act in 2021, which effectively, well not effectively, raised the limit for political parties from 500 to 1500, which is a hell of a jump, I mean that's triple, and it was, it's retrospective, so even if you're in a situation like we are, where we've got our 550 members, you know, through AEC and all good, they say now, I'm sorry, you need 1500.
Okay. So, we'll probably get there, the pace we're going, but What do you got now? About 1200. Oh, you'll get over the line.
So we need about 300. 300, 300 listeners right now, if you want to fed your like hack. I know that we do have a lot of listeners to this show, and a lot of readers of The Batood are able to get to that are very concerned about corruption at a federal level, so I think you'll probably at least get 300 of them. I mean, of the, you know, 50 to 60,000 people that listen to this show every day, we should be able to get some.
That'd be great. Well, you know, we also don't like to engage in political corruption. This isn't particularly an endorsement, but the only person we've ever endorsed is obviously Bob Cutter, and I'm sure he would back everything you put on the table, wouldn't he? I think he would actually. Yeah. Bob's come out and said, you know, he wants the food to like it. Yeah. So he's behind it.
There was a little thing that they were talking about in the libs for a while there. They said they, you know, they essentially promised some sort of watchdog tribunal that could maybe put someone in political time out for a period. What was the watchdog that they proposed but haven't yet formed? It was called CIC and it's the Integrity Commission, Commonwealth Integrity Commission or something. Cause you hardly remember the name cause it was so ridiculous. They set that up so that it was mainly to investigate and scare the tribe out of public service and senior police. Yeah.
That's what it was mainly to do because they could investigate those no problem. When it came to investigating political corruption though, that you couldn't, an outside party couldn't make a recommendation to that body. It wouldn't, wouldn't investigate.
Yeah. So it had to be a crime. Yeah. They have to commit a crime and the crime has to be committed before it grows to that body. So it has to come from essentially a state DPP really? Yeah. Jackie Lambie described it as a toothless lap tiger. Yeah it is. Not a watchdog at all. Yeah. I think the land even described it as a toothless you.
So the Finn federal ICAC now is what you're, is obviously the big play. We don't know when the next election is going to be. And we, uh, we hope even with these retrospective rule changes. I reckon March he was telling us. Yeah. And gives us a few months to get, get the process providing there's no by-elections in then. We'll see. Yeah. We'll see.
Pierce might open up pretty soon, but we never know. We need a federal ICAC to see someone like Christian Porter out the door because this is a new, there's a new level of entitlement. I guess we've seen growing in our political class that, that it's almost unprecedented.
You know, the, once upon a time, Barry O'Farrell stands down for a bottle of wine.
You know, back under Howard, there were ministers who were, who were being sacked for not declaring color televisions that they brought back with them overseas. Now we've got some of the most heinous crimes we've really heard of in, in, in recent memory alleged against staffers, sitting politicians and everyone kind of, I think we, we, the new protocol is mental health leave and to sue the fuck out of the ABC. There's no, there's nothing else that we can expect from them. So, uh, yeah, this, this should be an interesting, um, thorn in the side of Canberra.
If we can get, if we can get a couple, you're obviously running straight at the Senate. We will, we are running straight at the Senate.
Look, to tell you the honest truth, it's crossed our mind. There's a couple of seats that maybe we go at, but it's not really appropriate for us to represent local people. That's not what we're doing, representing local communities.
So, you know, when Anthony Albanese was elected to the house of reps, his biggest competitioning grain lump back then was not, you know, the liberal party, all of the grains that was the no second airport, it was, it was the no second runway party at Kingsford Smith. So, you know, they did have the East West, which was the first runway down there. And then they put in one North South and they wanted to put in that one as the far East. And that was Albo's biggest competition there because they didn't want the aircraft noise in Marrickford.
Self-interested voters, plenty of them out there. So, in saying that, what more can a single issue party bring to the table other than a single issue? There's a couple of stages to it. Once we get our party firmly established, right at the moment, we can't really announce candidates or do any of those things because we haven't got, we can't say those things. Yeah, you haven't got 1,500. People aren't going to say, yes, I'm going to run for fin and then suddenly there's no party. They're not going to, you know, we, so we need to have all those ducks in a row before we come out and say things. Once we do that though, and I think that's not going to be in that two-distant future hopefully, a micro-party, which is what we were, has not only the ambition of getting into a Senate and getting some say in it that way, it also has an impact before the election. And that's a lot of the stuff that we want to do. In other words, try and draw the public's attention to it before the election as a valid political party talking, speaking from that level, which increases. If you're just a lobby group or just somebody, you know, mucking around, the impact of what you're saying, I think is a lot less. Whereas if you're a political party and you come out and challenge people politically at that level, I think that we're raising the awareness in Australians.
And it's crucial, mate, because this place is going to hell in a handbasket with these people. They really are getting out of control. And has it gotten worse in recent years? I think the last couple of years it's accelerated.
Underlying, you know. I mean, really, it is just recent, but you don't need to see it even more than Christian Porter to see what's going on, do you? The whole thing is so, the effrontery of the whole thing is just, it's an insult to Australians. Well, even as the highest law officer in the country, I mean, even that, you know, was a bit on the nose for, you know, your run of the mill infrastructure minister. Yeah. You know, but, you know, to be the arbiter of what is right and wrong legally in this country and to engage in that type of stuff's a bit, you know. Really, to sue the ABC, they didn't even name him. That was just a petulant knee jerk. And Louise, our friend. Yeah.
I mean, obviously, he didn't have the money in the bank to do it. Oh, Christ, no. But he was probably promised that money before, I imagine, but that's just...
I mean, there's anyone that could have done it. We all know that there's a lot of people that don't like the ABC. There's plenty of people out there that would have gladly filled him up with money to run the ball at their enemy. Your enemy is my enemy kind of thing. We can't say any names because we'll probably get fucking sick. The ABCs and, like, just everyone from people, you know, certain tiny countries within a city in Europe that's in charge of one of the major churches in this planet, you know. Perhaps them or maybe some other people.
People that make money from digging rocks out of the ground and burning them at an accelerating rate.
There's the other point there. I mean, I think it's got worse under COVID. I have no doubt about it.
It's a nice big comfort blanket for them to all hide under while they get up to what they're doing. Yeah, just one giant wall pull this COVID. And the Prime Minister's initial cabinet was just full of mining guys and resource people and gas people, and so that's what they're going to do. They just frack the hell out of the place.
So there were changes made to how preferences flow in the federal upper house. So it kind of makes it harder for people like your Ricky Muir's, you know, your Jackie Lambies to get into the Senate.
It does, that's right. Yeah.
How have those changes affected you? Well, I haven't affected us at all yet.
Well, like, well, you know, there was, you know, essentially a much easier path into the Senate, you know, for a party like Finn a couple of years ago, but now it's much more difficult. And I think that's how it affects it. It's going to be much more difficult. You know, we need to fairly, we need a lot of things to fall into place in a nice pattern for us to get there. The path's there if we want to. Well, but even then, like, I suppose you could say that if the Finn existed a couple years ago, a lot of those people who ended up in the Senate probably wouldn't have been there in the first place.
We've previously interviewed a man colloquially known as the Preference Whisperer, Glenn Drury. If you are listening, Glenn, we might need a bit of pro bono magic from you. Well, yes, we actually interviewed Glenn. I think he was, you know, he would have been the second or third episode that we had of the Batsyderotica podcast. That was when we decided to move our radio show onto onto the Internet too, so people outside the Diamond Tender could listen to it. No, but Glenn, he took us out on his boat out into international waters and he gave us a real, you know, stern talking to before the interview.
And he told us, you know, he was telling us industry secrets about, you know, how he got grossly underqualified people like Darren Hinch into the Senate. But he also did a lot of good. He got, you know, people who deserved a voice in federal politics, like people like Yuriki Muir's. You know, he deserved to be there much more than Darren did.
Yeah, or Malcolm Roberts or the like. But yeah.
So what does your path look like now to the Senate? Like, do you have to essentially get more more votes than the other parties? No, I think it's still the equal quota thing. You've got to remember this election coming up is a half Senate election. It's not a full Senate election. So only half a number of clearly half a number of senators come up for re-election.
I think in New South Wales, I worked out we're going to get to get us up in New South Wales on a quota. It's going to be about 800,000. Yeah, give or take.
So basically, you've got about as much chance as anyone else really. But you've probably got more chance than Christina Keneally had, I guess, you know, now that she's gone off to the lower house. You know, well, even that, you know, that's my who knows, she might not have been able to do that if a party like Finn had existed a couple of years ago and was in the Senate now.
If we can get I think a lot of people are relaxing thinking we'll get a federal ICAC because labor are going to come in. And when labor come in, we're going to get a federal ICAC.
They've said that. No worries. You know, that'll get done. I can believe it when I see it. Thank you. Yeah. First of all, first of all, you got to think labor are going to win. Yeah. And they look, you know, they're doing okay at the moment.
But we're not listening to the bookies. We're not listening to the polls either.
You know, what was last time you couldn't get on with a dollar one, I don't think last time. So, you know, it's, um, the chances of them getting, you know, look, they're good, but there's no guarantee that they're going to get up. And even if they do get up, their proposal for an ICAC is much more robust than the Libs, of course. But nevertheless, they don't guarantee funding for it. They don't, yeah, there's no, there's all these little peripheral things that they're not guaranteeing and there's a couple of little loose holes through there.
Whereas you get a bill like Helen Haines, it's well thought through. Yeah. And that's would be an effective bill.
You're an expert in political corruption because you spent a lot of time on the beat chasing it. And, uh, ripping the, you know, ripping the sheet off it. One of your books that we both read was Ashbygate, you know, about the, um, I guess how was it described? That was basically what was happening in parliament house when everyone was, uh, busy kind of vilifying Julia Gillard in her kind of the back end of her term. There was this other thing going on. It's been described by many as basically an attempt and really a successful attempt to unseat a speaker. I went further than that. It was in 2012 through an elected government. They managed to get rid of the speaker. Okay. And I think they mentioned the second goal too. I mean, they got riled. Can you, can you tell us for a lot of our listeners, cause they might not have been across all of this, but, um, can you tell us kind of what happened and what sparked your eye to go chase it and write a book about it?
I was working as investigator back in 2000, you know, for the last 20 years or so. And, uh, as part of that job, I did quite a bit of litigated workers comp stuff. And so I had a passing more than a passing interest in workers conversation matters.
And then James actually, he was a gay man, came out and accused the speaker of the house, Peter Slipper of sexually molesting him. And Peter's a Christian minister in some strange corner of the church. I forgot what it's called. Some part of the Catholic church. And he's a man of, he, he presents as a man of high moral rectitude.
And so when James came out and said, you know, you've been filling me up, then everybody went wild. Yeah. And they shoot at the fan. What happened, of course, if she did the fan in the Murdoch press, didn't hit the fan anywhere else in the first place, because Murdoch was involved completely in the whole plot to do it from the very start. Really? Oh yeah. How high did it go up in News Corp? Well, I don't know, but I know, I can't, I can't say, but I know inside News Corp were intimately involved in the whole process. It was part of their thing.
In fact, just as rare is when he threw the matter out of court, said clearly that James Ashby conspired with Mel Brough and others to, you know, to overthrow the government. So it was that triumvirate of Ashby being an opportunist. Yeah. The Liberal Party wanting to get rid of slippery, overthrow the government and, you know, corruption generally, as it all goes. So again, for a lot of our listeners and readers who might not know, James Ashby has found a new home in Canberra. He's ended up working for Pauline Hanson. Chief of Staff. Yeah. What would make him so employable after he's just essentially toppled a government from the inside?
Well, one of the main reasons is he never suffered any repercussions for it. There was no consequences for what he did. So he walked away from the whole matter scot-free.
Yeah. Which is why after, after I went through it, I'm still gobsmacked that he did. You know, he abused the court system and they quite clearly, quite clearly.
So, and that all sort of came, trickled to an end in sort of 2013, 14. And it was at the rise of Pauline, her comeback thing was 2015, roughly she started again, 2014.
Her ex-Chief of Staff, or the ex-Head of Pauline Hanson One Nation, a guy called Ian Nelson, Ashby contacted him. This is how much of an opportunistic Ashby is. Ashby contacted him out of the blue and said, mate, I can print all your Pauline Hanson's material at half price. Because he had a printing business called Blackball.
Yeah. And Nelson went, oh, good mate. And he said, I'd like to meet Pauline. Oh, fine. No worries. And as soon as James got to near Pauline, he clicked into gear and they're an item. Not sexually an item. Yeah. Well, I've heard rumors, but. Yep. Yeah.
But they're an item and they've been together. And then they've been, they did the, the tour and that little aircraft. In that aircraft, yeah. So he owned the plane, which kind of meant he had, well, he had the plane, which meant he had Pauline. He had the wet lease.
Yeah. So that's like, that's so opportunistic, isn't it? Nobody knows who owns that plane. Yeah, right. No one knows. It's never been revealed where that plane comes from. They've, they wrote off some expenses of the aircraft in One Nation. Yep. Against One Nation. But only little bits, couple of services, couple of little things. So there was never any admission of ownership. Yeah. James has always said he didn't own it.
You know, it was clearly somebody coughed up for it. The type of person that puts a million dollars into a blind trust, maybe. Yeah, that sort of person, yeah, that's right.
And you know, and then, and then he was, it was a cunning operator in the sense that all of the candidates who put their hands up to run for Pauline, for whatever reason, that party appealed to them and they wanted to represent, you know, the people through One Nation were, it was later found that Ashby had them signed up to, you know, they had to pay their way to become a candidate. And, you know, the party made a bomb off these people who, and not all of them even got, got it, got a start, which probably speaks to the reason that almost within minutes of her landing them all a Senate place, they all rolled on her and went independent. The only one who stayed loyal was Malcolm Roberts, who ended up losing his job in the citizenship scandal when they realized he was the son of a Scottish man born in British India. And then obviously he got back in, moved to the top of the ticket three years later.
When you look at this system and the people that are allowed to operate within it, are you seeing some people that, you know, if they didn't have Parliament House, they'd be pouring barrels of poison into rivers? Is, are we dealing with some proper psychopaths?
Oh, I'd give you a Clive Parler. Yeah.
Well, he's doing both. I'm not accusing Clive of being a psychopath. Mate, it's got me fucked how he's still walking around. Well, I mean, they do the same with their, I mean, his, it strikes me that what he's doing at the moment is it's a power play for, for his resource business, for his mining and his greed and his digging stuff up. And that's what it's all about.
It's not about getting political power back anymore. When I said you, before we were talking about how many you need to get a party for, now it's 1500. The other way to get a party for free is have a sitting member join you and you go, right, okay, I've now got a political party. So he gets, he gets Kelly across, Kelly, so they've got a political party. And if that's in the last month, Craig Kelly's moved across. Palmer's doing what he did last time.
It's you find some poor sap to run in every seat in the country. So you've got to run in every single seat and which is what are you doing? And even though you've got tons of money, you make them pay for it because why not? You know, so you get all these people to pay for the seat. You run in every seat in the country and then you can say to the Libs, mate, what about your preferences? You know, if you give me that, I'll give you that bit over there.
And you know, I'm not accusing Clive of any illegal activities. He's a litigious man.
We never would.
It stinks of just, you know, of just taking the votes that have essentially bled from the liberal party and taking them and redirecting them back to the Libs. Especially after what he did to Queenslanders, how he gets, how he has. All of his poor body workers, you know, that he's just done it. Yeah, there's certain towns he won't visit anymore. But you know, the only positive we do get from this kind of, that kind of bizarre political play is we end up with people like Jackie Lambie who ended up being a lifers. That's probably the only positive I can think of this whole Clive Palmer experiment is that he accidentally gave us Jackie and she'll get reelected.
But you know, you're starting to see a little bit of this growing independent in parliament because, you know, we've got the safe labor seats, we've got the marginal labor seats. And then particularly in the Senate, people like to give someone else a go. We've got the safe liberal seats. And in fact, we're starting to see the most unsafe liberal seats are what used to be their blue ribbon. I reckon Zali will get back in, up in Tony Abbott's old seat. And, you know, we saw Karen Phelps with the shortest term in political history down there. North Sydney, and then some of the Brisbane's liberal inner city, you know, we start getting these wives of bankers and husbands of bankers who are, you know, a bit worried about the climate or a bit worried about, you know, wealth disparity. And, and we're starting to see a kind of a chink in the, in the government's armor in that sense.
Koo Yong too, I think. Koo Yong, yeah, for sure. Old Josh. What's his name? That lawyer. He tried to out Koo Yong, Koo Yong, Josh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm from Koo Yong. I don't know, I'm from Koo Yong. What would you say the archetypical Finn voter would look like in your mind?
Oh, it's remarkable. You know, our memberships, we've got people in the 90s down to 18. Yeah. We've got really quite seriously, we've got in across Australia, it's remarkable when you look at it, the range of people. So there's nothing that unifies people by age or demography that we can see. Yeah. Okay.
And it's going to be an interesting election as we've seen with the state elections that One Nation might've had their run. We saw that in the Queensland state election, certainly. And what we always see and what the labor party don't like mentioning is that One Nation bleed from labor and they go back to labor. Once they've had that pressure valve of getting Paul Ian in, they do go back to labor in the more rural labor seats, traditional labor seats. Do you think your policies or basically your MO will resonate with the Bush? And what kind of corruption have you seen on that level in kind of Nat Hartlands?
Oh, well, we can start with gas. We're doing a step water. Yeah. Start with gas, we'll go up to Narrabri. Yeah. The whole gas field's up there.
In the Pilliga? Yeah, the Pilliga.
Murray-Darling basin for water. On the Bidge too, that's even worse. Yeah. I mean, you could just, there's many of them. Sports rules. I think because the Liberals have no qualms about brutalizing the country, I think a lot of Nat seats probably will become vulnerable as the environmental impacts kick in. Well, they have down in New South Wales. I mean, they've gone bananas out there, bloody, the shooters, fishers and farmers that, you know, stealing some seats off the National Party, you know, just like their gigs of water.
Yeah. They're just gone missing. Yeah. What was that one down there on Victoria's Fringe as well? Down on the Murray. Yeah. Yeah, that was taken by the independence. South Wales. Yeah.
Yeah, no, there's a lot to really point a stick at. When you really want to sit down, we could do, maybe we'll do that close to the election. We'll sit down and rattle off every scandal, every... I was only going to bring a list.
Because we do have the sports routes, we have the car park routes, even to the point where we're now seeing all the bushfire aid isn't given to seats held by the Liberal Party. What was that part of the Blue Mountains that really got a lick during the bushfires? Where Suzanne Templeman... Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just, you know, she's from the wrong party. So the people there who got most affected by the bushfires... No, because I think her part of the Blue Mountains has got all the apples in it. And it went to the highway part where they're...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a... Buddy, that used to be Paul Keating's, you know, out there in the division of Blackstone, wasn't it? Yeah. Blackstone, yeah. Yeah, Blackstone. Yeah, no, there's a lot you can point out.
Have you had any media interest, or is this not in their interest to be interested? It's not in their interest. No.
Well, in our interest, we're happy to have you on today, Ross. I mean, we, obviously, independent Australia helps us out. Yeah. And we do what we can. We're on Blue Mountains radio the other day. Yeah, yeah. That'll get them.
Every time.
So, no, I mean, we're not really... The mainstream media don't like us very much. Yeah, so you're not going to get your talk back kind of plugs in the way Pauline does every time they want to rattle the cage. And a lot of it is because we did come out of the pages of independent Australia as opposed to Starland. And a lot of the mainstream media really don't like independent Australia because we've broken some stories that they, you know, they then claim to have for themselves, always referred to as disparagingly as a blog, despite the fact it's far from it.
So, well, we'll do the call out now. We've got the the Preference Whisperer if you're listening in. We need you to do your magic. Fordham, if you're listening in. Hadley, if you're listening in.
Mate, it's media suppression to not interview these blokes.
And, of course, today's show, Sunrise, Koshy Karl. Give them a look and give them a look. And that's all it takes.
There's only one reason why we saw Pauline Hanson clean up in 2016 and again in 2019. It's because you blokes couldn't get enough of her and neither could your audiences. Pauline Hanson got elected because of Michael Rowland last time. I mean, he just gave he just spoke about her all day and night on that ABC television show of his.
But if you're interested in more information about the Federal ICAC Party, about joining it, you can just go to www.federalicacnow.org and you'll find out all the information there. Contact, events, news, how to join. Free to join. If you want to volunteer, it is free to join.
It's not like Clive Palmer's party where he'll hold you upside down, buy your ankles and shake all the money out of you just to get a look in. I do like the logo you're working with here. Finn, Federal ICAC now with a shark fin. Yeah. Okay, this is going to make him nervous. Yeah, it is good logo. Well, thanks for joining us today, Ross.
I think this is an interesting development in Australian politics. This conversation is happening at the ballot, which I think it needs to. And I think a lot of people will agree it needs to.
So yeah, we'll see if you can get those 300 extras now that they've changed the rules on you. 300 extra members and then let's see what you get. It's a great excuse to finally learn how to vote properly in the Senate. I mean, just don't go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Look for Finn. Yeah, look for Finn. Look for the big black Finn.
Go back through and learn and vote properly. Thank you. Thanks for joining us. |
cracked | 5_western_characters_japan_manga_fied_into_madness_canonball | And the one about the... you know, where they... There's like a thing with a... Yeah, that's the one.
But this cross-continental obsession goes both ways. Japan loves certain American-made characters so much, they'll give them their own TV shows, mangas, and instant noodle brands. But that doesn't mean they aren't above changing a whole bunch of stuff about them.
A spaceship that transforms into a giant robot called leopardon. And occasionally, a machine gun. It also has the greatest episode titles of any show in any country.
Which we're pretty sure is the name of a poorly translated Parker Brothers game. Or a sex toy. This nutty show has been memed to death by now, but did you know there was also a Spider-Man manga that came out a few years earlier? Oh nice, I bet it's just as fun and wacky as the TV version.
Let's take a look at a couple of random panels and see what... Ah! Oh! What the... Wait, okay, but those are just dream sequences. Let's look at some scenes from the actual story and see what we... Whoa! Eee! What the... Okay, yeah, it's all like that.
You see, while the TV show was made out of nothing but joyful insanity, the comic showed us the other side of Japanese entertainment. You know, the deeply disturbing, bizarrely sexual one. Feast your eyes on this sequence about Japanese Peter Parker trying to study while his boobs-obsessed, adolescent mind tries to distract him. I wonder what the panel of his hand grabbing the pencil could represent.
The Spider-Man-ga starts out as a relatively faithful translation of the original comic. A student gets bitten by a spider, gains powers, and starts punching people in tights. The biggest difference at this point is that this friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is slightly more prone to fantasizing about... Oh, yeah, fucking murdering everyone. Or maybe all spiders-man do that.
And this is just the first comic to show us. Remember, Marvel did sign off on this comic. I think we all owe someone an apology.
Spider-Man, a psychopath! But then, in the third chapter, Spider-Man says screw it, throws away his webbed costume, and barely puts it on for the rest of the series. From now on, the iconic mask appears mostly just on the covers, or when Peter hallucinates little spidey faces in the air, which is the Japanese equivalent of the spider sense. Also, Peter straight up stops fighting supervillains. From now on, most of his enemies are either roving gangs of rapists, or other Spider-Men who gain the same powers and start killing people. Because this comic was determined to ruin the Spider-Man brand for all eternity. What's even more shocking is that Marvel actually let them publish another manga based on their characters.
Speaking of adaptations that don't seem like they'd make any sense, but are actually great, what about Audible, which is full of such tales? For example... The wave current swallowed the doubty in battle. Then, a day's length elapsed, ere he was able to see the sea at its bottom. Confused? You shouldn't be. Why would there not be an extended Beowulf quote in the middle of a story about big-ass monkeys fighting big-ass lizards? Do you even have Audible?
It's surprisingly fun and a perfect distraction every time I have to travel for work to film something stupid somewhere else. But it's not just Kaiju audiobooks, because thanks to Audible, I have a massive selection of content to listen to. They've got everything from podcasts and even meditation guides in case I'm getting too worked up about the possibility of getting obliterated by Kaiju. And all of that goodness can be listened to through their phone app and on the go. It's an incredibly helpful distraction when I'm traveling throughout the world as I do.
And all you've got to do to get in on this tasty morsel is to go to audible.com slash YBOC or text YBOC to 500-500 for a free 30-day trial, where you can get full access to thousands and thousands of all-you-can-listen audiobooks, original entertainment, and podcasts included in their Plus catalog. And for a limited time, you can save 46% on your first four months of Audible. That's only $7.95 a month. Even better, if you do decide to sign up, you get an extra free credit towards any audiobook you want every single month.
And if that doesn't convince you, then again, Audible has Chuck Tingle all over it. And I'll tell you right now, the Audible version of Pumped by a Pirate is not something you want to miss. It's the Beowulf of Pirate Porn Books, and there's something just truly magical about hearing that prose spoken aloud.
It really makes it come alive. It may even give you emotion. Speaking of emotions... Leading to...
Number 4, The Incredible Crying Hulk. A story about a big green killing machine born in an atomic blast. That's so Japanese, it's basically Godzilla with a hairpiece. So, Japan, what's your take on the Hulk? I see. It's basically the Lou Ferrigno show, if it was just one scene on a loop for 80 episodes. The Japanese version of Bruce Banner in the 1970 Hulk manga is an incredibly unlucky Hiroshima survivor who finds himself in the middle of another atomic blast after a little workplace mishap. Only, this one makes internal big and green. Or gray, because it's a black and white comic.
And boy, is he unhappy about it. Which you know, because he spends most of the comic crying. Crying while punching a mountain. Crying while holding his girlfriend. Crying while smashing some cars, which should be a joyful activity. He's even crying on the cover. Finally, here's Hulk punching some tanks, not a tear in sight. But then he turns around and he's crying again. Apparently in Japan, Hulk's power doesn't arise from rage, but from uncontrollable sobbing. Now, I'll be honest, this comic has never been translated, so I have no idea what the actual plot is about beyond Hulk cries a whole bunch. But here's some more crying, and some more, and some more. Okay, that's enough crying.
Just kidding, here's some more! Well, great, now we're all sad too. Let's go back to something more nutty.
Number three, the official Star Wars manga is a wacky gorefest. Star Wars Visions is not the first time someone asked the question, what if Star Wars, but also Japan? Back in the mid-90s, George Lucas loaned his babies to a Japanese publisher for an officially licensed Star Wars manga called Star Wars Manga. First Order of Business put the most perverted scene in the trilogy right there on the logo for some reason. The story is, well, Star Wars, but mangafied. For starters, there's way more blood splashing around, especially in the Return of the Jedi issues. It's like Japan was trying to balance the Ewoks cuddliness with stomach-churning gore. But before you ask, no, almost none of that gore involves the Ewoks themselves.
You'll just have to settle for watching one get pulverized, sorry. So you want to play rough, do ya?
Sometimes the exact same dialogue from the movies comes off totally different due to the manga effect. For example, Han Solo's, you could use a good kiss, becomes, you could use a good kiss? Or maybe, you could use a good kiss, ha ha ha.
Because Han is clearly a vampire in this comic. Each episode is drawn by a different artist, which is why Luke and Leia look like they're about 12 in A New Hope. But then Luke turns into 1990's Jean-Claude Van Damme after training with Yoda for two days, and Leia is definitely of adult age by the time she has to choke a hut. And by the way, choking a hut is definitely a euphemism, but I'm not going to tell you what it for. Meanwhile, Chewbacca goes from a wacky cartoon character in A New Hope to a distractingly handsome furry hunk in Empire, to the infamous garbage panther tattoo in Jedi. Also, this manga beat the Mandalorian to the punch by about 20 years and made Yoda look all adorable, long before Yittle Mania took the world by storm.
It's heartbreakingly beautiful. Ha ha, look at him. He barely looks like someone who's going to die of old age within like three issues.
Aside from the original trilogy and The Phantom Menace, Japanese Star Wars fans also got an anthology series made out of short stories of dubious canonicity, like the one where Darth Vader fights Jar Jar Binks' son, which implies that Jar Jar has had sex at least as many times as Anakin. The whole series is worth it because of the story that finally pits Vader against his greatest fear, R2-D2 with a lightsaber. In this tale, Vader senses great power within R2, and is extremely excited to meet his match. Like, maybe too excited for a PG-13 comic.
The force of your blows resonates through my being. I feel your mighty saber against mine. Only in the sizzling energy produced by passionate swordplay can I find release. Only when my saber crosses another do I feel truly alive.
Okay, we already did an episode on erotic fanfiction, so I'm being begged to stop there. Moving on.
Number two, Batman-ga. Featuring Lord Deathman and Professor Gorilla. In 1966, Adam West's campy TV shenanigans struck a chord with the Japanese public, and Batman became all the rage in the Land of the Rising Sun. Japanese companies rushed to cash in on this craze through stuff like Batman toys, Batman novelty songs, and yes, an officially licensed Batman manga by Jiro Kuwata, who apparently looked at the insanity of the 1960s Batman comics and said, yeah, I can top that. Instead of the Joker or the Penguin, this Batman fought enemies like the man who quit being human, or Lord Deathman, a villain with the power to die and undie at will, which is a pretty convenient ability if you want to get out of jury duty or awkward meetings with your boss. Batman is so creeped out by Lord Deathman that he starts having freaky nightmares about him, like the one where his head keeps laughing after Batman decapitates him. You know, the fact that Japanese Batman reacts like this when someone sneaks up on him might explain why Alfred doesn't appear in this comic. Anyway, Batman ends up faking his own death to defeat Lord Deathman, leading to the greatest line of dialogue in any Batman comic.
Lord Deathman came back to life using secret yoga tricks, but I resurrected myself with the strength of righteousness. That's right, kids. If your grandpa hasn't come back to life, he probably just wasn't righteous enough. And or he was shit at yoga. Sorry.
The Bat manga also features Japanified versions of existing Bat villains, like Clayface, who gets his shape-shifting powers from stepping into what appears to be a lake of poop. In order to defeat him, Batman jumps into the poop lake and comes out as a giant, sentient Batarang. And instead of two-faced, Japanese readers got Doctor Faceless, a disfigured criminal who becomes obsessed with killing anything with a face on it, even in the most technical sense. And Batman finds a note from Doctor Faceless saying, Batman, I'm destroying your face next! How do you say, oh snap, in Japanese? But it should be obvious to anyone with a passing knowledge of world monuments that Doctor Faceless is actually talking about destroying Mount Batman, a giant bat face carved into a mountain that we all know and love.
And then there's Professor Gorilla, a regular ape who steals Batman's intelligence, that accidentally bestows the caped crusader with gorilla-like strength. That's just basic math. As Batman puts it, He got me, that stupid monkey gorilla. Which is especially humiliating because, out of all the gorillas, monkey gorillas are the stupidest.
Even though Professor Gorilla wants to exterminate the human race, Robin feels the need to point out that his actions were perfectly logical. I'll admit, if I were a gorilla and got superpowers, I'd probably want to exact revenge on humans too! Hell, if anything, he doesn't want revenge enough.
And on the subject of mutated freaks, 1. The Magical Teenage Mutant Ninja Mecha Armored Turtles When Japan's animation industry saw that America had a hit show called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they must have taken that as a personal challenge. But how do you make the concept of teenagers who are mutants, who are ninjas, who are turtles even weirder?
The answer is through crystals. As in, magic crystals bestowed by fairies, not meth. Although maybe.
Mutant Turtles, Superman Legends, is the name of two direct-to-video specials created to promote a line of toys where the turtles can transform into taller and slimmer versions of themselves, as if they slipped into a parallel timeline where they aren't dangerously addicted to Italian cuisine. The first special is called The Great Crisis of the Super Turtles! The saint appears! And as you've probably guessed already, the saint refers to the giant, sword-having robot with angel wings that forms when the turtles combine their magic crystals. Obviously. Bebop and Rocksteady also enrolled in the anime weight loss program, while Shredder inexplicably turns into a dragon and then a kaiju demon that tries to destroy the city, because all other types of plots have been outlawed in Japan. The second special has the full title of... Mutant Turtles, Superman Legends, the coming of the guardian beasts, the metal turtles appear! And, well, that's pretty self-explanatory. The turtles travel to Japan to protect a funky psychedelic ninja mirror, meet a laughing ghost, and put on some mystical robot armor that comes shooting out of Mount Fuji, because, in some cultures, it's considered rude not to don mystical robot armor that comes flying out of a mount. These specials were supplemented by a Super Turtles manga series that follows the same brand of madness.
In one story, the turtles use their magic crystals to shrink down and enter Splinter's surprisingly buff body to stop a virus that's killing him, only to find themselves being molested by his perverted blood cells. Shredder and his goons also go inside Splinter to try to hasten his demise, but they end up having a pretty sh** time. Literally. Splinter poops them. That's right. The Shredder was once expelled through Master Splinter's b-hole. But, it looks like Master Splinter's b-hole was today's secret phrase.
That means we've all had enough internet for the day. I recommend you go read a dictionary or look at a tree. Thanks for watching!
No!
Aah! Poor deaf man has paid the price for his villainy. Though I'm certain he parachuted away to safety. |
SaturdayNightLive | dinner_with_the_dean_snl | So then Louis says, if you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef. And I said, well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.
All right, dear, I think you've had enough. you're boring our guests so much, they'll think we're even duller than when they got here. Oh, well, thank you, Professor Williams and your wife, Vanessa Williams. it was an honor to get a dinner invitation from the Dean of Junior, Dean Junior, Dean of the Fine Arts program here at Beige College.
But we really should be going. Yes.
You see, it's well past nine and we're trying to have a baby. we almost had one of those once. remember, dear? if I recall, it was all your fault. how dare you? you washed a piece of. watch it, old girl. Oh, what? you worried I'll tell them about your art? Darling, I'm warning you. Oh, Professor, I just thought you were her historian. I didn't know you were an artist as well. I'm not. Oh, don't be mad as Louis.
Show them. show them your art. it's not ready yet and you know that. you've been saying that for 15 years. Show them or I will. Well, Mr. John Williams, you're shutting over. Harry's in line. Well, I do love art. then you're in luck. Well, which one should we look at first? I said they're not finished. Now, sit down or I will sit you down. Oh, here's a good one. you were working on this one the day we met. the day the sun went out. Now, put it away.
He told me he was painting it for his father. he was going to show it in Paris. Give it to me, you witch. I was going to be the wife of a famous artist. and we'd have a baby right after.
Let me show them. it's not finished, you childish shrew. Oh! Oh, the Devil is a woman. we don't have to see it, Not if you're going to hit each other over it. No. you need to see what my husband could do if he had the stuff to finish anything. Oh. oh, my. it's not finished.
I never got the expression right. and the writing on the back of the paper just squiggles. Well, I think the painting is great the way you have it.
But we really should go.
No, no, no. sit down. the art show's just getting started. you need to see the reason my husband never gave me a baby. it's not finished. what more would you do to it? Why is that why you don't have a baby? He locked himself in his studio night after night, screaming, torturing himself. you've got a lot of twisted thoughts on that head of yours. don't interrupt, dear.
I'm telling our guests about the dark places you would go so you could make art like this. that one's a photograph, right? Well, it's not finished. But yes, it is. photos are art, too. Now, let's stop this and get my wife another drink. it's the only way to plug her mouth. Or we could look at your self-portrait.
I call it why I don't have a baby. put it away! they don't want to see that. it's too dark. Oh, oh, it's why I never sold a baby. I never sold anything. they're all too dark.
And that's you? Yes, it's me and my studio, but it's not finished. I was going to add a thought bubble that said, it's a living, but what does it matter now? are you happy, dear? you've shown them what a heartless creature you are, and what a failure your husband is.
And that's why we can't escape each other, and why we can never have children. here's to that. And why again, is that keeping you from having children?
Stop asking that. here's your answer.: look at this one. that one actually is finished. |
SaturdayNightLive | magic_mouth_snl | I'm Dr. Richard Ludworth. let's face it, there are some problems we'd rather not talk about. Mom, Dad, Richard and I have something we'd like to tell you. like flatulence. Maybe it's time for you to discover what millions of Americans already know. it's this,: the Magic Mouth from Templeton Medical. excessive gas gets caught in the digestive tract, and it can produce some embarrassing results. Magic Mouth inserts comfortably between the cheeks of the butts, where gas normally escapes. So instead of this, you hear this. no one knows more about politics than Del Mar. 200 polished expressions supplied by the editorial staff of the New Yorker Magazine.
Well, Mr. Harris, we've got your number, and we'll give you a call. Did you see Charlie Rose last night? Why, yes.
Magic Mouth. it's like having a professor up your butt. that was great. France makes such charming wine. Oliver's tone is a genius. So what are you waiting for? The Magic Mouth from Templeton Medical. I'm going to get my Magic Mouth. |
dropout | car_interview_show_hosted_by_somebody_who_can_t_drive | Hi, I'm Siobhan from College Humor, and today I'm going to take my friend John Gambling from Broad City out on a little drive. We're going to run some errands, get some coffee, it'll be super chill. The only thing he doesn't know is that I do not have my driver's license. I do have my driver's permit, so I mean I do know a lot of useful information about stopping distances, but you know, what's a hundred yards between friends? Seriously, what's a hundred yards? We use metric in the UK.
Hi Siobhan! John, how are you? How's it going?
Are you washing the car for me? I've never had anyone do anything this nice for me. So sad. Thank you. You're welcome.
Okay, uh, this is Dee? Dee for drive? Yes? Yeah. You know what you're doing? Uh, here's the thing.
I don't actually know how to drive. You invited me here under false pretenses to teach you how to drive? You said let's go driving a thing for college humor.
Yeah. I agreed to do that. That's just a nice chat. To the cameras and everything. Mm-hmm.
You didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. Is this okay? There's a camera stuck right on the rearview mirror. Is that going to be okay for visibility? I mean, is it? Do you have a sense of what's behind you? Did you hit something?
A lot of driving is you want to get into sort of a flow. You want the three second rule. Oh, okay. You want three seconds of stopping time. You want to plan at all times for when somebody comes up and tries to carjack you or tries to shoot into your windshield. This is a stop sign. This is a stop sign sort of anticipating when the slow down should go.
Yeah. All right. Where are we going? We're going left here. Okay. Left? Okay. You're taking a right. This is a right. Jesus. I'm sorry.
If you hit a car full of four people, they all go to the hospital. Each one of them can sue you.
Are we just continually going around in a circle? Dude, you're going to have to pull out of this circle. I have to make my own choices? But that seems scary. How do I not hit another car? Where are we going?
What is this errand? Is there an errand? I need to go pick up my dry cleaning.
The actor, John gambling. What is your job currently right now? Auditioning, shooting a couple things. Is this turning into like an interview?
Agents and managers, taxes. You lose half your money. You make no money in this business. They take a lot of your money. They take 50%.
I have two kids. You know how much money I have to make just to be able to afford our upper middle class Apple computer lives?
I feel like every few blocks has a dry cleaner. It's a clear dead end. You know what it is that I walk it. You went up one of these like bowling lane size hills. Yeah. So I put it in reverse.
How do you think you do it? I don't know. I don't know how they're going to edit this thing.
But I want people to know that it has been a long time getting to this dry clean. It's been a really long time.
These are nice houses though, right? They're okay. This is a stop sign so you do have to stop here. Oh, sorry. fucking college humor. Call you to come do this thing. Drive around. Yeah. Isn't this nice? Oh my god. Thank god we're here. You better be cleaning some important stuff. Is that a good parking joke? Did I park right? Yeah. Okay. You can turn and see those still.
Oh no. Alright, let's go get coffee. I think I want to just go home. But the coffee was the whole trip. Coffee was the whole trip?
Why is it so much quicker getting back than it was going there? This is the short way. We took the singing route on the way. You knew the short way?
Yeah. This is walking distance. Yeah. You need to get out. This car, is that okay? Yeah. Is it okay for the video if I get out there? Yeah.
No, you should get out. Thank you. But tell me, I'm going to get out too. Turn the car off before you get out. Oh, right. That was way too complicated. Shut up, John. |
SaturdayNightLive | drill_sergeant_cold_open_snl | I'm Gunnery Sergeant Mcarthur, your senior drill instructor! over the next six weeks you will see so much of me that I will be like everyone to you. it will seem as if all the people who are normally around you are me! Do I make myself clear?
Sir! Yes, Sir! I can't hear you! Sir! Yes, Sir!
Look at how scared you are! you all look more scared than a scared little person! You call yourself soldiers? you're not soldiers! you look more like non-soldiers! you're all a bunch of weak-out-of-shape pale-thin, weak-out-of-shape non-soldiers who are scared and weak! Do you understand me, bad New Soldier?
Sir! Yes, Sir! look at how fattened out of shape you are! what's your name? Sir! Brodsky, Sir! Well, from now on, your name is Mr. Out-of-shape Person! You like that? Sir! Yes, Sir!
Who thinks that's funny?
Who just wrote his own not alive Anymore certificate?
Was it you, Soldier? You think the arm is just one big joke-building?
What's your name? Sir! Bennett, Sir! not anymore, Bennett! from now on, your name is Mr. Smiling Laughing Joking around. Man! You like that name? Sir! Yes, Sir! Well, you better get used to it, because everyone's going to call you that! What's his name? Sir!
Mr. Smiling laughing, joking around Man, Sir! well, well, look at what we have here! you remind me of my dog! you know what I used to call my doggy? Doggie! that's your new name! Mr. reminds me of doggie!
Sir! Yes, Sir! And you, you scrawny little thing! Well, I bet you're a homosexual! that's your new name! Mr. the guy I bet is a homosexual! Sir!
Yes, Sir! what are you looking at? You, with those eyes in your face! Mr. eyes in face Man! And you, with that hair on your head! hairhead!
And look, who's standing next to him! Mr. feet attached to legs!
Well, well, what have we here? an intellectual boy! where'd you go to college? Sir, I attend the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Sir! what's your name, Soldier?
Sir! Einstein, Sir! Einstein, Huh? you're a regular smart person! Yeah, Mr. Smart Person! Sir! may I suggest you nickname me Einstein, Sir? don't you mouth off at me! you're Mr. Smart Guy mouthin' off at me! what's his name? Mr. Smart guy mouthin' around!
Now you drop down and give me fifty! Are those things ready to go up and down? Sir! give me push-ups, Sir! don't you tell me what they are! now you're all gonna have to pay for. Mr. Mouthheads! not being subordinate enough to me! Hurry up, Head!
I'm gonna teach you a little song I wrote!
Ha! D-3-4!
I'm In The Army!
Army!
For Me!
Army!
I'm from New York! it's Saturday night! I'm from New York! |
TheOnion | Cosmopolitan_Completes_Study_On_How_To_Please_Your_Man | Coming up in a little bit, Julia Murray is going to join us. She's the author of the new diet book, Shit Yourself Thin. Have you seen the pictures of her? She looks great. That woman has shit off so much weight.
It's unbelievable. Oh, my God. Well, listen, first up, it's been a landmark week for women and science. That's right. After over 120 years of research, cosmopolitan has officially cataloged every possible way a woman can please her man. Wow. That is quite amazing.
We've accurately mapped every super hot sex zone on the male human body, empirically proven to make your man's legs turn to jello. Here's a peek into Cosmo's Man Pleasing Institute. We had to rigorously test every nerve ending for potential sizzle-inducing properties. Tell us about some of the early discoveries of the project. In the early 1920s, we discovered a previously unknown pleasure point located a little bit above the buttocks on the lower back. That was a huge find. In fact, it opened up over 200 completely new ways to give men pleasure. Unbelievable. It must feel great to know that your research is helping so many people around the world as well. Well, Cosmo's Research Center was founded to make sure that men everywhere get the most sexual pleasure humanly possible in their lifetime.
And I think now that goal is finally attainable. That is terrific, terrific news. Certainly, Dr. Steinberg, your work does not stop here. What is next? Maybe the sensual pleasures of women or something like that.
No?
Together. Not furl ground, to use a bad word. Okay. |
dropout | hardly_working_makeover_montage | No, you hang up first. No, you, uh, hang up.
Guys, Cheswick brandersnuff just asked me out on a date. The wealthy New York industrialist? You lucky slut. I know. He's taking me to the velvet debutante gala tonight at 6 o'clock. Uh, Sarah, that's in five minutes. My God, you're right. What do I do?
Makeover montage! Come on, Sarah, you know how this works. Now you try on 10 more gowns. Okay, I know, but this is the only gown that I own. No, no, no, no. You try on a series of gowns we don't like, and then when we see one we do like, we nod approvingly and you hop up and down. Makeover montage. I know how a makeover montage works. Apparently not. Who owns 10 gowns, Pat?
Okay, ladies, ladies, we are not going to let one little hiccup ruin Sarah's date, are we? Now let's continue our... Makeover montage! Damn it! We suck at montages. I can't imagine what we did wrong. I know, we hit all the main beats. You should be beautiful by now instead of hideous. fuck me on this castle. Don't tell me how to montage, bitch. Wait, what if we're just not done with our... Makeover montage! Wait, guys, this is the wrong type of montage, isn't it? What are you talking about? I'm finally ready to fight Apollo Creed.
Yeah, that's wrong. Wrong, yeah. That's wrong, yeah.
You guys, I'm going to be the laughingstock of the Velvet debutante gala! No, never say that! Sarah, is that you? Oh my god. Cheswick, I can explain. No need.
You see, I've had some montage problems of my own. You've been... I... you... I was...
I love you. I've always loved you. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_curse_of_frankenstein_snl | You guys looking for Frankenstein? you guys got the wrong house. What do you mean we got the wrong house? you got the wrong house. Frankenstein lives, uh. he lives over there, across the Moor. across the Moor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. it's a big castle. it's got those, uh. what do you call it? those white trees out front? you mean birch trees? yeah, whatever. well, sorry about that. wrong house! across the Moor! he said, what? I'm Frankenstein? I'm sorry, guys. I think somebody's messing with you. I'm Dracula. see? cape? fangs? widow's peak? Frankenstein's, uh, way back that way. across the Moor. back that way? we just came from there. he said Frankenstein lives here. Yeah! yeah, he said Frankenstein lives here!
What did that guy look like? He was tall! right, right. Okay, what else? he had bats in his neck! uh-huh. what else? he was green! Okay. tall guy, green, bolts in his neck. yeah, I hate to break it, but that's Frankenstein.
Okay, well, I believe we made a bit of a mistake. sorry to trouble you. Across the Moor! Well, uh, he's a liar. that's why. Well, what about the bolts in your neck? Oh, great. thanks a lot. I almost forgot about that spinal injury I had when I was four years old. thanks for bringing back those rosy memories. Hey, my dog died last year. why don't you make a few jokes about that? he's a monster! Okay, now we're name calling. What am I, in the seventh grade, all of a sudden? Well, you know what? you're all a bunch of dicks. How about that?
Well, I mean, you're an Old Frankenstein's Monster. How do I know you're not Frankenstein's Monster, you friggin' genius? I mean, hey, dude, get that fire away from me, All right? I mean, you could be a monster, you know? you got the weird hat, the patchy beard, you know? you look like a monster to me. Well, y'all, maybe you're a monster. look at him! he's got a square head and green skin! Oh, great. now it's a racial thing. you know what? you guys are a bunch of fascists. And seriously, dude, get that fire away from me.
Here's the deal. I'm a cobbler. I make shoes and I hang out with my kids. you want to lynch me for that? be my guest. Well, I'm sorry. we shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. we'll leave you alone. uh, how about apology, not accepted, weird Beard? I mean, let a guy live his life, would you? you know what I mean? I mean. and. we'll be back with more of the late-night movie. I swear they haven't done these things in like 20 years. |
dropout | honest_graduation_song | When we graduated high school we were close as could be Said I'll come visit you and you'll come visit me I kept telling my new friends about you And all the crazy high school things that we used to do But when I looked in our map, your score was kinda far I'd love to go and visit but I don't have a card But if I got worried about the plans we didn't make I knew we'd toast, be chilling hard over thanksgiving breaks We won't break that bond Even if to your I.M.s I don't respond And I can't help but that we rarely speak Busy schedule, man I can't talk this week And it was me and you but now my roommate too His name's Jim and you really gotta meet him Duties really like you but he's in a band We've got inside jokes that you won't understand But two are friends for real As we go on I remember That one thing we did together College gave me a different outlook But we'll always be Friends on Facebook So freshman year has entered and we're home again for summer When I saw you at the Starbucks you were being quite a bum On you reminding about how we never chilled all year And trying to get me to come out for a beer You're a little bit of buddy but you're blind to see That we're two far different people than we used to be So I'll still ride happy B day on your wall And be nice to your mom when I see her at the mall But please don't ever call Dude I moved on Please don't get pissed I've got new friends And you're not missed Now I'm leaving Take a good look You won't see me Except on Facebook When we're sitting at a funeral for years from now Cause some guy when you died and we're both back in town I'll wander over and I'll say hello Heard you got married, how'd it go?
Things are tough lately, lost my job in LA My life is somewhere between bad and okay I heard, I heard you doing really well I know anyone who's looking for help Dude I'm sorry I was dismissed But I never Had to distance Our friendship All as it's been We can still be Friends on maintenance Dude I'm sorry I was But I never Had to distance Our friendship |
TheOnion | Ladies_Freeze_Your_Hot_Young_Face_For_Later_Dr_Good_Ep_6 | Onion syndication conglomerates would like to congratulate the Dr. Good Show for once again earning an Illinois Medical Board rating of perfect. Tick, tick, tick. What is that the sound of, guys? Our biological clocks. Our biological clocks, that's right. But it isn't just our slowly rotting eggs.
For many younger women pursuing a career, by the time they're ready to settle down, their faces are too wrinkled to be found attractive. But what if you could preserve your young, hot face and save it for later? The dream is now a reality with Froze Face Cube, which critics are hailing as the best petrifying agent since prehistoric Amber. Let's take a look. Hi, I'm Laura. I'm 34 years old and I work 80 hours a week at a PR firm. I had my eggs frozen and stored in the Dr. Good secure egg vault, but I was worried about my face. I want it to still be hot when I'm ready to show it off to a potential husband in 10 years.
We heard Laura's story and sent her to Froze Face inventor Dr. Eric Jordan at Yerba Hospital in Detroit, Michigan to decide if Froze Face Cube was for her. My Froze Face Cube is a miracle of modern science. With state-of-the-art flash freezing technology, the same kind that's used on microwave dinners, we cool the patient's face to minus 238 degrees instantly.
Don't worry. You're awake the whole time. This prevents the aging process completely while still allowing normal head-type functions such as eating, seeing, thinking. Are there any potential side effects?
Only looking too beautiful. So are you ready to do this? Okay, sure. Are you guys ready to see Laura? Look at you. You look so modern. Thank you. What do you think? Oh, I love it. She looks like the perfect human in that thing.
The concept is similar. The only difference is Laura has to keep her head vertical or face flat. Otherwise, the coolant in there could slosh to the back of her head and freeze her brain solid. I won't be able to see the stars for a long time. And no upside-down roller coasters. Oh, actually, doctor, a roller coaster loop would be fine. The centrifugal force should keep the coolant in place. Oh, perfect. But the cube has to be plugged into a wall outlet at all times. Or, as Laura is doing now, a portable gas generator. Okay, so maybe no roller coasters.
But it's all worth it to get rid of the stress of worrying about looking hot when I'm older. I'm sorry, what? She said it's all worth it because she no longer has to worry about the stress of looking worse each year.
I love my birthdays now. She loves her birthdays.
Oh, careful there. Oh, that's freezing. I'm okay. She's okay.
Laura, we have a treat for you. Dr. Tanis, our plastic surgeon, has something special for you. Dr. Tanis!
When I heard you were getting the cube to save your face, I thought, hmm, maybe I can give her a temporary face right now. So I created this. A mask. Hmm, let's just say it's better than a mask.
You ready? It's beautiful. Thank you so much. No. Thank you.
Alright, we'll be back with some tips on how to keep your kids from learning about fisting right after this. Tomorrow on Dr. Goode. Could a pill put an end to the pain of getting hit in the balls? Take it right after you get kicked in the balls during that delay before the serious pain starts to kick in. You have to take a pill. Take a pill now. But there's one catch. You now have to take that pill every day at the same time or all that pain will suddenly be released out of nowhere. On an all new Dr. Goode. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_kanye_west_a_genius | I'd say some nice things about Kanye, but he don't need my pussy. Bitch, he on his own dick. In a New York Times interview, he said the biggest inspiration for his new album was a high-end lamp, and you could really hear it. I love Kanye West.
I mean, one of the greatest songs of our generation is Nee. It's Nee. The one where they're in Paris. Him and Jay's. The great thing about Kanye West is that his lyrics are universal.
I mean, hurry up with my damn croissant. You know, he just really captures the pain of being mildly annoyed at a Starbucks.
Kanye's haters just don't understand the subtlety and subtext of his lyrics. You know, it took me three years to figure out he actually was saying she's a gold digger.
In a recent interview, Kanye claimed that he's the new Steve Jobs. You know, I think that's true in that they both wear weird blue jeans. I love Kanye, but I think it's starting to get a little bit played out to make fun of his weird erratic behavior Yo, Dan, I'm really happy for you. I'mma let you finish, but Owen Parsons had one of the best yea or nays of all time. I'm gonna use this. I really like Kanye West, and I'm really looking forward to his Spanish language album gonna drop later this summer, Ye Sous. Kanye West is one of the most talented artists of our generation.
Kim Kardashian is one of the least talented celebrities ever, so mathematically, their baby should be the most average human being of all time. Kanye West is a genius, if only for resisting the temptation to name his daughter Wild Wild. Yeezy is breaking down barriers. Now that he's named his child something really stupid, I can name my future son or daughter something even stupider. Ah, this is my daughter, Leather Tanner, and these are her two siblings, Skin and Black And. Kanye had the brilliant idea to name his kid something that would get at the maximum amount of internet exposure. That's why I'm naming my kid Kony Chronuts Hopper Hashtag Women Aren't Funny. You know, say what you want about Kanye, but I bet he's a good husband to Kim.
They're not married. They're not?
Hey! Boo! Hey, if you liked that video, click on me to subscribe for more.
Oh, not there. Yes, there. |
dropout | slide_into_the_dms_the_gameshow_ch_shorts | Welcome back to Slide Into the DMs. I'm here with Tanner. Tanner beat Felicity and Julio for the chance to slide into some of these DMs where of course it goes down. Tanner, whose DMs are you trying to slide into?
I'm going to go with Kai and tell us a little more about Kai. He is a student at UC Irvine and he has great shoulders. Okay, well you're just three obstacles away from being able to slide into Kai's DMs where it goes all the way down.
Are you ready? Yeah! Before that though, here's Larry with a word from our sponsors. Larry?
Slide Into the DMs is brought to you by Instagram. Instagram. We're eating Snapchat a lot.
Also by Sketchers. Thanks Larry. Okay Tanner, get ready to slide into the DMs. So nice, so nice in three, two, one.
The first obstacle is the thirst trap. Tanner has to choose which picture of himself to post to his feed that will get Kai's attention. He tries the bar picture first, but it doesn't work, probably because his derpy friends make him look less attractive by comparison. Going for the beach picture now.
Hey! He's in! It's started.
The picture with the most skin works almost every time. Next up is the like scale. Before you can get into the DMs where you can be as wild as you want to be, you doggy here we go, you have to get the like balance right. Too few likes and the person won't know you're interested. Too many and you'll come off as a creepy weirdo who needs to put his goddamn phone down for a while. You have to hit the sweet spot. Oh, that might have been one too many.
Tanner might seem starkery now. Yes! Saved by last minute like! His final obstacle is the intro message. Here Tanner has to put together his hello. He's got a number of options, but he has to get the right words or combination of words to open the gate. Once he does, he can do damn deans. Oh yeah.
Okay, now he's going to suck, but that's too boring to live T.B.H. But now he's trying flight or invisibility like it's welcome week at his dorm or something. Ooh, he's going with a joke, but that doesn't do it because it's lame as hell.
Too thirsty. We're playing at a time. Now he's asking Kai if the cool dog in the pitch is his and he's done it! He slides into the DMs so tight don't ever let it snow. You know asking about the dog will do it almost every time. People love their goddamn dogs. Tanner's done it. He's celebrating in the slime because anytime someone slides into DMs they hope it in some place slimy. |
ClickHole | someone_edited_together_the_ultimate_psa_and_it_s_incredible | Enough. You can be part of the solution. Right now. Let's do this. Everybody.
Forward. Which way are we moving? Forward.
Now we know how to stop this. We know how to stop this. Stop this.
Now that you know.
It's time. We can do better than this. It's time. It's time for our leaders to act.
Send this to five friends. You sent it to five friends last time. Send it to five more. Five more friends. Then send it to five people you don't like. Send it to five enemies. Send it to five animals.
Now is the time. I'm ready. She's wearing ready. I'm ready. The world is ready.
You can make a difference. You. Can make a difference. Wow. Why?
This is my world.
What would you do?
I want people to see the truth. No more. I'm proud. I am proud. I'm proud. And I'm grateful.
And I demand. |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_minute_with_david_spade_s_puppet_saturday_night_live | Now, here to take a look at what's happening in the world of Entertainment, we're proud to welcome back the Hollywood Minute with our very own David Spade. Thanks Colin, funny update. Thanks. I mean that for real. But Colin, I have something to say to you. I'm not going to be doing the Hollywood Minute tonight, unfortunately. Spade, what are you talking about? it's just, I haven't done it in a while, and it's not really my thing anymore. I can't make fun of other celebrities. but he can. Okay, here we go.
Ally Mcbeal. maybe it's time for you to try an Ally Mcmeel. hey, that's not very nice. she looks good. Ted Danson has a new series, Becker, in which he plays a doctor. script, ratings, eee! we lost him! Come on, Ted Danson, he was good on Cheers. Man, it's more a set.
I got the number one selling album. I'm the most popular singer in America.
Hmm, what else do my fans want? Oh yeah, a nude video showcasing my monster box. What? he's a bad boy. he's rough. it's not nice. even for a puppet, that's a little.
Bobby Brown! Bobby Brown recently spent five days in jail. two for drunk driving and three for his new album. that's pretty good, huh? Jason Priestley's leaving, Barely Hills, 90210, because he says he wants to pursue a movie career. Jason can soon be seen on his new series Sacramento, 93270.
See, because he doesn't live in. I get it, they don't care. Hey, Eddie Murphy, Now I have to say that he was really funny in Dr. Doolittle. Yeah, but didn't you see? Holy man, holy crap! I guess you were wrong. Hey, don't say that. we're friends now. it's not what I heard.
Hi, I'm John. hi, I'm. he's doing good. Dylan Kemp's wife. I used to be a Victoria Secrets model. now I spend my days in Seymour, Indiana milking cows and getting kicked in the face by horses. I could be at Sky Bar right now getting hit on by Leonardo Dicaprio. instead of in Indiana attending the Corn on the Cob Festival. you got that one, Buddy? is that joke still under construction? should I put a hard hat on, throw down some flares? you are. you're flaring him, right? is that your comeback? that sucks. yeah, well. you having trouble with the cards there, Buddy? maybe you should quit while you're sucking. Speaking of sucking, I saw you on Just Shoot Me. All right, easy. you know, he's getting his bearings back. we'd better get him out of here. Quint, come in here and say goodnight.
David Spade, everybody! Yay! I'm Colin King. I'm Colin Spade. |
dropout | hardly_working_lady_macbething | Oh, oh, oh dog, dude you killed it in that pitch meeting that was awesome I hope they make your parody that thong song. Hey, thanks, man You know, I figured thong rhymes with thong so, you know, I don't know it's stupid. Whatever. Oh, it's not Oh, and you're really good. Like you could run this company if anything ever happened to Sam Yeah, I mean but Sam's the boss. Yeah, right, right. Yeah shitty beat I Mean Sam's good, but he's soft His writers need a kick in the ass and from where I'm standing. You're wearing the right boots This company needs new blood You're blood But first you must feel Sam's blood You're Lady Macbeth me That was good though, that was good that was good Really you think so yeah, you're fine actor Murph You've got real range where that Sam would keep casting. He was a shouting idiot when you're so good at whispering I know right, you know more if this world is full of people like Sam People that break you down Try to put their food on your neck, but there's also plenty of opportunities for a man like you Man who does what needs to be done?
I Almost had you though. I almost had you it was a dagger too much That was very quick that was very quick when you got on to me like that I mean, it wasn't easy. You were very convincing. Well, some would say my plan was almost were fast Can it's genius to bet Sam wouldn't see it that way Sam Of course being the cause of all your problems problems that need to be solved Dude what what I was No way we're Lady Macbeth each other then you kiss Oh Lady Macbeth kisses mr.
Macbeth all the time. They're married They have a great marriage. Yeah Taps up pretty hard in act three You stabbed me Happen in the plane |
dropout | why_you_don_t_need_8_glasses_of_water_a_day_adam_ruins_everything | Oh my god, we've been out here for 15 minutes. We need to be hydrating. Everybody drink up. Actually, the risk of dehydration is way overblown. You gonna tell me hydrating is bad?
Yeah, right. Take a lap. Oh, I'd never make it all the way around.
In America, we've become obsessed with the dangers of dehydration. People think that if they're not constantly drinking water, they risk death. You're dehydrated, and you're dehydrated, and oh my god, you're practically a mummy.
But that fear is totally baseless. Yeah, right, but everyone knows you have to drink eight glasses of water a day. Yeah, everybody knows that, but it's not true. No study has ever shown or even claimed that. It's just something people say.
Really? No, you told me. Water prevents cramps. Oh, where'd you hear that? From my coach. And I heard it from my coach, and he heard it from his coach, and so on. Well, you didn't hear it from science, because science says that ain't true.
Well, how much water am I supposed to drink? Well, you can just drink when you're thirsty.
That's crazy. You're a crazy person. Who are you?
Patty, this is Tamara Hugh Butler. She's a professor of exercise science at Oakland University.
Our body's already possessed an extremely sensitive measure of dehydration. It's called thirst. As long as we drink, when we feel thirsty, we really won't dehydrate.
That's how humans have done it for millions of years. It just worked out fine.
The fact is, truly dangerous levels of dehydration are incredibly rare and only occur in cases of extreme sickness or isolation. As long as you have free access to water and you drink when you're thirsty, you'll be fine.
Then why do I do this to myself? Hmm, maybe because beverage companies have spent decades drowning us in ads like these.
Hard work and hydration to keep adding. Hydrate the hustle. G2 from Gatorade. The low-calorie, off-field hydrator. You could say it's sport hydrates and fuels you better than water. It's the more water you drink, the better you feel. Drink more water. These companies have consistently portrayed dehydration as a serious threat for one simple reason. It gets us to drink more. The International Bottled Water Association publishes a hydration calculator that can recommend you drink two liters of water a day. Dasani tells you that hydration is healthy, so drink up, preferably Dasani. Paid spokesman Dustin Pedroia says he always hydrates with Vitacoco because it prevents cramps, even though it doesn't. And in Runner's World magazine, Gatorade ran an ad masquerading as an article titled Hydration 101. It included tips like, drink early and often, don't wait until you feel thirsty, and always drink sports drinks.
But that's all real science, right? Ah, here's where it gets sticky. That ad was sponsored by the Gatorade Sports Science Institute, which was founded by Gatorade in 1985. It's a scientific mission to discover exciting new reasons people should drink their product. Our unbiased study found that people should drink a lot of Gatorade. Terrific work. Alert the media. We also may have found the cure for cancer. Oh, is it Gatorade? Damn it. Get back to me when it's Gatorade. Gatorade also sponsors sports science research at universities across America, and this can influence their findings. The American College of Sports Medicine once recommended. When exercising, you should drink as much as tolerable. Other companies soon followed suit. Ebbion's parent company founded Hydration for Health, a group that promotes healthy hydration habits by sharing scientific research. Heart research, everybody. Drink Ebbion. Science says so. Oh, I got to tell the tots about this. And after decades of bad science and marketing, we now believe dehydration is a dire threat.
Gotta drink. Drink or I'll die. Well, it's not like drinking too much liquid's gonna kill anybody.
Actually, that's exactly what it can do.
All of this scaremongering over dehydration has created an entirely different problem. Over hydration. Fooey, you drink hard, you pee hard. Not if you're exercising. Exercise stops you from peeing by putting your body in water conservation mode. And if you over hydrate then, all that extra fluid has nowhere to go.
Holy crow!
It's called exercise-associated hyponatremia, and it can be deadly. In a study of the 2002 Boston Marathon, nearly one-sixth of the runners studied were found to have hyponatremia. These runners drank so much liquid during the race that by the finish line, they had actually gained weight. And she wins by a belly! Okay, now, that's a joke, but this is a serious problem in sports. At least twelve athletes have died from over hydration.
No, that's terrible. It's true.
Over hydration is dangerous. Most researchers, including myself, think that it's the marketing of the beverage industry that's responsible for the surge in fluid overload hyponatremia. So, I've been putting the kids in danger? No, Patty, death by hyponatremia is extremely rare. Just give the kids free access to water, let them drink when they're thirsty, and don't treat these ads as science.
I don't deserve to wear this uniform. Hey, you made my Patty cry.
Kids, let's practice some tackling drills. I've got just the dummy. No, wait, the truth about concussions is really interesting.
Hey guys, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_definitely_not_keeping_your_secret | Zach, when are you gonna stop living this lie? There you are. The real Zach. Wait, why were you in the men's room? Doesn't matter. The point is, I saw Zach and... Zach wears a wig. What?
Oh my god. That's really good gossip, Emily. I know, but we have to keep it a secret because if he finds out that I betrayed his trust, he'll ruin our friendship. Got it.
So, like, don't tell anyone. Why would I tell anyone? No, because it's interesting. Just don't, okay?
Who would I tell? Mike, Sam, Siobhan, Murph, Pat, are you going to tell someone? Those guys probably know anyway. Okay, see, when you say that, it really makes me think that you're gonna tell someone. Hey, hey, hey. Did I say that?
No, but you're being very cavalier about something I just confided in you. Could you just say, in no uncertain terms, that you will not tell anyone? Emily, I will not even see those guys again today, so it's kind of a moot point. Okay, it's not a moot point. It's not a moot point. I'm not saying I'm gonna tell anyone, but if I did, nobody would care.
You get that, right? I am begging you. Can you please just promise me that you will respect my wishes? Oh, I have to promise you? Why? Because you don't trust me? Of course I trust you. I just really value my friendship with Zach, and I don't want something that could compromise.
What the fuck? Oh my god. Have you been recording this entire conversation?
It's just a have. I'm not gonna show it to anyone. It's just a have. What does that mean? It's just so I can have it.
Patrick. Repeat after me. I will not.
That's not even a secret. Tell anyone.
Why do you care so much? What Emily? Talk me.
So if someone asks, I have to lie to them? You're actually gonna be a liar now for the rest of my life? I just have to be a liar for the rest of my life? I'm not actually gonna be a liar to you.
Okay. What are you guys talking about? Hey, Zach. Certainly nothing concerning you. Pat, you agree with that, I take it? No, Zach. I'm afraid we weren't talking about you.
And how lucky you are to have a friend like Emily. Speaking of Emily, she took the foulest shit I've ever smelled earlier.
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a secret? You bald motherfucker. I'm not bald! What was that, man? |
cracked | what_it_s_like_to_work_in_an_infectious_disease_lab | Hi, I'm Rose, and this is what the CDC calls a Biosafety Level 3 Laboratory, where we study all the scariest, most lethal, most face-melting diseases ever known to man in the pitiful hopes that we can learn just enough to keep the human race from being entirely eradicated. Now, this place might sound like it's perpetually one broken beaker away from unleashing undead zombies or sentient clouds of Ebola, but actually... For the Black Death, the medieval disease that once reduced the world population by at least 20%, we actually work with those very bacteria, because, unpleasant surprise, the disease is still around and kicking people to death. In 2015, 16 Americans were infected with bubonic plague, and 4 of them actually died. That being said, the plague is actually pretty easy to treat. We have to go on antibiotics whenever working with live bubonic plague bacteria, but other than that, we really don't sweat it. And, wow, we wouldn't recommend playing used needle tag. With the amount of treatment and research available, we actually aren't even that worried about working with HIV. So what disease really terrifies us?
Tuberculosis. But not just any old tuberculosis, a new drug-resistant kind. Think classic Little House on the Prairie-style consumption, you know, the leading cause of death in America around the turn of the 20th century. Only now, we're wearing a medicine-proof Kevlar vest and are immune to most standard anti-TB treatments. About 30% of antimicrobial-resistant deaths around the world are now all me, baby. And with a mortality rate as high as 39%, in some cases, I'm making a comeback. Some of my colleagues who work on HIV think we'll roll back the tide on the disease in the next 10 years. While TB will continue to be a huge problem for maybe ever, totally drug-resistant TB is such a scary idea they don't even want you to say its name.
Like it's Voldemort. Oh no. Hey, while you're here, would you like to see our glowing green cock? Let me back up a little.
We have a really neat piece of equipment called an in vivo imager, which is essentially an ultra-sensitive camera. We can tag viruses or bacteria with glowing proteins, inject them into animals, and pop the animals in the imager to see in their bodies where the germs go. We had a glowing plague strain and a glowing monkey pox, and with the in vivo imager, you could watch the natural course of the diseases just tearing through the animals. One time I was conducting experiments on pox viruses, the things that caused giant pimples. I was trying to metaphorically beat them up with the baseball bat of science until they became docile enough to become vaccine carriers. But I wasn't sure that the rehabilitated vaccine viruses would work. My supervisor suggested we use the in vivo imager to at least see if the pox virus would work in chickens. We used a marker strain of the pox virus that had a luminescent gene and then used the imager to capture tiny amounts of light from the luminescent viruses through the flesh.
Which is just a fancy way of saying that as far as I know, I'm the first person in the world to take pictures of a glow in the dark chicken. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from KFC about my idea for the lantern bucket.
Oh, and on the subject of animals? At any given time, there are enough dead critters at a biosafety level 3 lab to completely fill the freezer section of Noah's Ark. Our freezer was always full of botulism infested dead ducks and tilapia from the Salton Sea. We also had a ton of prairie dogs for a monkey pox experiment delivered to us from an exterminator who removes them humanely but hilariously with a giant vacuum cleaner that literally sucks them out of their burrows. Don't worry, ethics rules dictate it would be too cruel to let any animal die of any disease. It still isn't great, but once they're too sick to move or they lose more than 20% of their body weight, we put animals to sleep. But also yeah, we definitely infected voles with chronic wasting disease and finches with the West Nile virus. And another time we got sent a bunch of mice from a researcher who had made a plague vaccine out of genetically modified tomatoes. None of the mice survived and we never even found out if it was because the tomato vaccine didn't work or because the mice were too old or something. The point is, if animals ever rise up against humanity, scientists at biosafety level 3 labs are totally screwed.
A day at a biosafety level 3 laboratory is essentially an 8 hour game of the floor is lava. Except that everything is lava. And the lava is microbial death.
You try to get through the entire day without touching anything because it might be contaminated. And if you do accidentally touch something, you have to change gloves immediately. Weirdly, while we do spend most of the day covering ourselves in more latex than motley crew groupies, we also spend an unexpected amount of time with our clothes off.
No, not like that. Ah, come on, baby.
At one lab I worked in, each gender had a locker room on the clean side and a locker room on the dirty side, connected by a one-way airlock going in and a shower coming out. We had to strip on the clean side, go through the airlock, then put on scrubs in the dirty locker room. Exiting, you would dump your scrubs in a laundry basket on the dirty side and immediately shower so as not to let a single speck of possibly contaminated material through. This has led to more than a few accidental flashings. One day I accidentally opened the airlock door on my boss's full-ass nakedness, but unlike your job, nobody here really thinks twice about dangling bits because there's nothing like being killed by an invisible death to help your mind disconnect nudity from sex. Oh, and if you're wondering what happens to our contaminated scrubs, don't worry.
Thanks to all the precautions, you could use them as baby mattress stuffing. Chances are it's cleaner than anything you have in your house. In fact, you probably should use scrubs for your mattresses.
The animals demanded it. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_19_7_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and Sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. G'day, I'm Wendell Hussey filling in for Brooke Boney who was filling in for Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to Batutah's Weekly News Bulletin coming to you from Koala Studios in downtown Batutah. Here are the top stories from the Batutah Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper.
Starting off with national news now and a new Tesla that automatically abuses other motorists after they cut them off is set to be released in the coming months. The new driverless road raid feature gives Tesla Model 3 owners the ability to call people pedophiles for cutting them off or beating them at lights. Tesla CEO Elon Musk who caused a stir this week for calling the lead diver in the Thai rescue operation a pedo said insulting anyone who embarrasses or emasculates you is the future of tech.
Elsewhere around the country an Usain Bolt was spotted at a Central Coast Maccas this week sitting on the bonnet of a 1993 Toyota Low Lux. Jamaica's Sprint King is believed to be headed to the Central Coast Mariners A-League team for the 2018-19 season. The Low Lux was reportedly a complimentary sweetener with his contract offer and comes with a unit flat brim as well as a year's supply of Monster energy drinks. Speaking to the Batutah Advocate, Bolt said he has started listening to Bliss and Esso, has developed an addiction to the pokies and has also been informed not to hit on any reporters while he is here. He told the Batutah Advocate's Errol Parker not to blush mate at the end of the interview before cutting a few hoops in the car park and fangin' it back into town. Lloyd Robinson from down that way tipped our editor Clancy off that he has since seen the Low Lux with a toolbox bolted onto the middle of the trade.
And back in town a local first home buyer has been hospitalized this week after being diagnosed with acute avocado deficiency. The 29 year old man William Cornwall was taken into the Royal Batutah Base hospital after collapsing on the way to work and was subsequently diagnosed with the avocado related condition. The young man told doctors he'd been going without the popular stone fruit for years in an effort to put together a meagre deposit for a studio apartment. Speaking to the Advocate about the dangers of going without avocados for extended periods of time, Dr Alice Kershaw from the base hospital said that she's been seeing more and more young people rushed into emergency with avocado related deficiencies. She said in her professional medical opinion it isn't worth stretching your arse off to try and buy yourself a property at this time of record low interest rates and would put avocado consumption above trying to enter the property market. And in other medical news around Batutah a local child has recently been diagnosed with a gluten intolerance as a result of jumping on a safety trampoline. The Batutah Heights child reportedly developed the condition moments after stepping off his bed when his cousins enclosed trampoline. His mother Beatrice spoke to us this week and told us that they took so many precautions to make sure that their young son wouldn't become gluten intolerant including avoiding those three-wheeled scooters and making him drink out of the hose. However she said she was extremely disappointed that it was all in vain and now she'll have to start buying soggy bread and those stinky pizza bases.
And elsewhere around town a local man has emotionally rekindled his hatred for golf after slicing his first drive into the drink. 56 year old Michael Dolahide hadn't played golf for about a year but agreed to play with some old friends from school this week. However it all ended after the second hole. Finishing the first hole on a triple bogey Mike sliced the second ball even worse than his first tee shot nearly forcing him to put his big berth over his knee and hoik his bag into the nearby creek. Storming off he said to us fuck golf and fuck anyone who fucking plays it I'm going to the fucking pub.
In other news around town a local moron boyfriend has ignored his girlfriend and done it again this week. Blake Ashford a 24 year old electrician from the golf course estate put his lack of self-control on full display as he wolfed down a large bucket of popcorn before the opening credits had even finished. The well-intentioned but festively sized young man admitted to our reporters today that he just can't help himself sometimes. He said Hayley my girlfriend warns me like every single time I go to the movies do not touch the popcorn before the movie starts but I just don't have the willpower and she's right I'm an idiot I know that I just can't help it I'm like a dog you put food in front of me I'm just going to go for it it's just an animal instinct you know. Finally on the sporting front this week it just seems like Billy Slater can't stop winning. After taking out the Wally Lewis medal for best player in the origins series the boy from Nambour has wowed the world by winning the golden ball at the FIFA World Cup despite not playing a single game. The golden ball is awarded to the best player at the cup and was sensationally given to the morons full back at the end of the Russian tournament. The decision has sent those living south of the Sunshine State into even further delirium with New South Welsh men and women publicly calling for an investigation into the awarding. Bryce Taylor clearly from outside of town commented on our story saying that he's looking forward to watching how Darren Lockyer tries to justify that decision. Anyway that's it for the news wrap this week thanks for tuning in don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week I'm Wendell Hussie.
Right now at Honda find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a civic so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. Tease and Seize Apply ends August 31st see website for details. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_game_of_the_year_beatles_rock_band | Welcome to Bleeploop. Today we are ready to declare our game of the year for 2009 Beatles Rock Band. I'm Jeff Rubin here with the Onion AV Club's music critic, Andy Bataglia and Pat Kessels. The reason we picked this for the game of the year is I think that just long after we're playing Modern Warfare 8 and even newer Super Mario Bros., this game is still going to be amazingly fun just like it is today. Yeah, the songs aren't going anywhere and they're not going to change. It's a steady job but he wants to be a Paperback writer, Paperback writer. I couldn't have been a whole lot more skeptical going in. Being a Beatles fan, I just wasn't so sure what kind of reward I was going to get from toggling switches, but it turned out to be a whole lot more fulfilling than I would have ever guessed. It's getting so much better all the time, it's getting better all the time, better, better.
Their music has been through so many different, there's been that, there's the Las Vegas show, there's sort of a live Circus Olay show of his stuff, there's Yellow Submarines so I think it's sort of the evolution of that. As a music critic, where do you see Guitar Hero and Rock Band, not just Beatles Rock Band, just in general, where do you see them fitting into the musical landscape? It makes people sort of isolate different parts of songs in a way that I don't know was necessarily common for people who don't spend many of their waking hours obsessing over the details of how these things work. You're asking me where my love grows, I don't know, I don't know. Video games are a relatively new medium and Guitar Heroes are a relatively new subsection of that medium, so for the Beatles who are the biggest thing in music ever to fully embrace it, I think really helps a whole new generation of fans enjoy their music. The thing I can't get over about this game is just how thoroughly respectful they were to the whole Beatles legacy. Some of the more psychedelic songs especially, some of the visuals are so absorbing that it almost kind of lifts you out of that, you know, that idea of just trying to stick the landing on certain things and it almost sort of drifts you off into a spot to where you're actually a lot closer to playing music.
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she doesn't have a lot to say. Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she does this from day to day. I wanna tell her that I love her a lot but I got a belly full of wine. Her majesty's a pretty nice girl, someday I'm gonna make her mine, someday I'm gonna make her mine. Let me do it one more time. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Decorating_A_Christmas_Tree | The holiday season is already here, but your new Christmas tree still doesn't quite have that festive look. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onion's tips for decorating your Christmas tree. The first thing you should do after purchasing your brand new tree is check to see whether it is male or female by carefully inspecting its trunk. Then, choose appropriate gender-specific decorations, such as silk scarves and bracelets for female trees, or neckties and leather wingtips for males. When choosing ornaments to hang on your tree, remember that you can never be too selective. This is your Christmas tree we're talking about here.
Destroy every third ornament. Let them know this isn't some sort of game. Make sure to destroy a few gold ones, too. They should know there are no free passes. Show them you mean business.
After that, take some time to dress your tree in the same clothing your father wears, and tell it all the things you've never been able to say to him directly. Next, go beyond the ordinary Christmas tree ornaments, and personalize yours with photos of every single person you've ever hit with your car. And lastly, make sure to protect your new tree from possible burglars. On Christmas morning, encircle your tree with nails and shards of broken glass. Don't inform your spouse or children that you've done this, in case they're in collusion with the burglars. There. Now you're ready to enjoy the holidays with your fun and festive Christmas tree. Thanks for watching the onion's tips. |
cracked | the_x_files_episode_banned_for_being_too_horrifying_canonball | Ah, The X-Files, a beloved television series from the 90's that had the whole country wondering just what was out there, and when those two sexy FBI agents were finally going to bone. My butt? Yeah, I'm going to use your butt. Every week people tuned in by the millions to watch Mulder and Scully investigating paranormal and possibly extraterrestrial cases that almost always turned out to be just a bunch of bugs. Bees?
But there was one episode of The X-Files that was so upsetting, it had even the nation's mothers hiding under their beds, so gross that they buried that baby as soon as it came out to find out which episode it was and to understand why everything I just said is in extremely poor taste. Stay tuned, this is Cannonball. Now most people tuning into The X-Files knew they were in for something upsetting, and if they didn't, that weird purple face from the credits let them know real fast. So it's not like the FCC would have been grasping their little narc pearls by someone calling in to say they saw something gross on the scary alien show. After all, we're talking about the same show that put this fucking guy on the television, which was apparently totally fine. That was season two. Anybody along for the ride had already weathered staring at what looked like a monster made entirely out of wet assholes, so they probably thought they were through the worst of it. Honestly, it's surprising they got away with this much in the 90s, given that it was a time when pixelated blood was enough to give senators the vapors. For three full seasons, Mulder and Scully splashed cryptid blood and bits on each other while giggling like flirty school children without the hammer coming down. But two episodes into season four, they finally found a line, and a shitstorm ensued. Episode two of season four of The X-Files was titled, innocently enough, Home.
Now those are the episode titles you have to watch out for. If an episode is titled something like Invasion of the Skin-Eaters, it's probably not that bad, but if it's called some unassuming single word, like squeeze, home starts out innocently enough. Oops, sorry, I misspoke. Home starts out with a screaming, bloody childbirth and enough gore to fill a horror movie climax before we even see the opening credits.
Despite their creative choice of medical instrument, the baby is successfully delivered into the arms of the waiting parent, who then delivers that same baby into the ground, tearing it alive, which, unlike a plant, does not help them grow. Look at the ugly mugs on those guys. Now that's a face only a mother could love.
More on that later. Now that all that unpleasantness is behind us, we can enter the third minute of the episode. That lifetime's worth of trauma only covered the cold open. Much like the baby in question, we're only scratching the surface here.
Let's take a look at everything that made this episode particularly horrific. Mulder, that would take a whole day. Good point, Gillian Anderson, woman who I would maybe let kill me if it pleased her. Come on, I want to make you say cheese. Let's go with a brief, sickening synopsis.
The baby's body is found immediately because those guys suck at digging almost as much as they suck at childcare. Get to it. Then we find Mulder and Scully on the scene because, to put it bluntly, this baby is so fucked up looking that the sheriff called the FBI. They perform a brief but not brief enough examination in the police station bathroom, where Scully notices it's absolutely riddled with hereditary diseases.
In 1665, this would have made it the king of Spain. But in the modern world, inbreeding is generally frowned upon. Unless you're trying to make a really cute dog. Here comes little brother. Who could be responsible? Probably the peacocks, the deformed family that live 20 feet away from the baby grave and that the sheriff all but introduces as the incest brothers. Raise and breed their own stock, if you get my meaning.
Cool attitude, police guy. Not my gene pool, not my problem. That's what I always say.
The only problem is that there are only three boys in the genetic stir fry that is the peacock family. They have no sister. And their mother and father are thought to have died in a car accident. By the way, if you thought all the family fucking talk might have meant that they'd hold off on the flirting, don't worry.
Mulder's barely exited the makeshift toilet morgue before he's hitting on Scully.
Now we all have a natural instinct to propagate. Do we? There are theories.
Realizing that there might be a female kidnapping victim involved, this is now officially FBI shit, meaning they can't file it under ew and head back to looking for little gray men. They call it a day and Mulder and Scully smile at each other in a motel while the peacock boys murder the sheriff with a club like a bloodthirsty bam bam from the Flintstones. They really went K, man, huh? By the way, not the point, but I totally forgot people used to be able to smoke on TV. The hardest part of this episode getting on air today would probably be the deputy ripping a sick ghost in Hale. They then head to the peacock house. And after a little stealth section involving using pigs as a distraction, enter the house, which is booby-trapped like Home Alone, and viewer how I wish I could tell you they were alone in that home. Okay, let's do this quick, like a Band-Aid. Because their mother did not die in that car crash after all, and they had her limbless body strapped to a little wheelboard under the bed, where she stays unless they are, I'd put it colloquially, making the beast with... four backs, consensually for the very, very, very little that that's worth.
With the horrifying horizontal nature of their family tree fully revealed, Mulder and Scully try to do the horrible math of who exactly is who's what now. It comes out like the world's most disgusting SAT word problem.
When I think it goes here is that Edmund is the brother and father of the other two. As they successfully wrassle back into the pen, the Peacock Bros realize their little genetic blender of a house has been broken into and they come barreling back in. A tussle ensues and two brothers are left dead. Edmund, unfortunately, has escaped along with his wife's sister, and the episode ends with them planning the future of the Peacock family from where he is keeping her in the trunk of his car.
Now we have to move on. Start a new family. One we'll be proud of.
This aired on FOX, regular network television, at 9pm. This was on one hour after The Simpsons. I've seen enough Mulder, let's go. It would never air on FOX again outside of a single morbid rating grabs three years later. It re-aired on Halloween, advertised as the episode so controversial it's been banned from television for three years. To this day, it's the only X-Files episode to ever receive a TVMA rating.
Unlike Mama Peacock, some of the people involved in Home were not super proud of their creation. They're such good boys.
Kim Manners, the director, called the baby burying opening shot, quote, the most awful shot of my career. The song Wonderful Wonderful by Johnny Mathis was supposed to be a big part of the episode, but they had to use a sound-alike because Mathis refused the use of his version. When the writers, James Wong and Glenn Morgan, pitched a return of the Peacocks on the show Millennium, also created by X-Files mastermind, Chris Carter, they apparently received very simple instructions from FOX executives. Quote, those characters never appear on television again.
Don't forget to like and subscribe for more nightmare fuel. And let me know in the comments how you think Gillian Anderson would murder me. I hope she grows really, really big and then crushes me with her boots. |
dropout | amir_tries_to_be_ampm_s_spokesman_part_1_sponsored | And action. Hey guys, we are here at AMPM because you are looking at the new spokesperson for the brand. Wow. How big is that?
They haven't offered it to me yet, but I'm going to go in there and pretty much demand it. And I feel really good that it's going to go poorly.
Here we go. All right. Hi there. It's PM. I'm here. Nice to meet you.
I'm Diane. If I look familiar, it's because I'm about to be very popular around here.
Sorry guys, we just actually can't have cameras in the building. It's a store for all of you.
Oh no. These guys are with me. I'm the new spokesperson for AMPM. Oh. It's what I'll be telling you next week after you hire me. I mean, come on. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Amir and I'm AMPM's new spokesperson.
Just ask their CMO, Diane.
Thoughts? Concerns?
I want to help you, but I actually can. Let me pitch you some quick ideas, taglines. It's not going to take a long time. I'm just going to...
Hi. I'm Amir.
What do you got? We got it too. AMPM. Because that's for you.
We actually already have a motto though. What's your motto?
It's too much good stuff. It's right here. All right. Check this out. AMPM. Too much good stuff.
Damn it. Save one. I just need NDG to leave if you're not going to buy anything. I'm sorry.
Rockstar cucumber lung. Why don't you trade this rockstar drink in for a rockstar?
Permission to hop the counter, ma'am?
Not granted. Here we go. Do not. Sorry. It's okay. We're going to get out of here.
Thank you. If you don't need anything. Thank you so much. Actually... Really quick idea.
He's really sweet.
What if I eat six of these TMGS cookies in less than 30 seconds?
Would you say that person deserves to be the spokesperson?
Probably not.
Can you use the tissue? Yes, I can. Thank you.
How did you know I had a head cold?
Time me. Ready? I don't want to. Six in under a minute. Starting now. Come on.
I'm stuck in my teeth easy, so I have to take small little nibbles.
I'm sorry. We're going to get out of here. We'll go. We're out of here. Thank you. I'm sorry. No, we're sorry.
Do you have my Twitter handle? I don't. Tweet at me.
Did you want your change for... Chew, buddy. You guys actually have to go as well. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_maga_s_taylor_swift_super_bowl_conspiracy_trump_s_50_million_legal_fees_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. What's up there? I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina Democratic Primary, barely edging out his closest rival, Time. As you may have seen on your aunt's Facebook, many Maga personalities are claiming that the Super Bowl is being rigged so that Kansas City wins and Taylor Swift can come onto the field with Travis Kelsey and endorse Joe Biden. Man, Maga people have so many enemies to keep track of. you have to hate the Nfl, Taylor Swift, Bud Light, Disney, Kristen Stewart for some reason, electric stoves, windmills, the concept of rainbows, and the green M&m. And you have to think that everybody in the government is a secret pedophile except for this guy dancing with Jeffrey Epstein. I mean, isn't that the happiest you've ever seen? Trump? he's dancing like nobody's checking Ids. hey, President Biden made a drastic change in his immigration policy, saying he would be willing to shut down the border. If giving the power by Congress is the kind of unexpected shift in direction Biden usually only makes in the middle of a sentence. the Biden campaign is trying to appeal to black voters. as polls show, their support for Biden has declined. it's getting so bad he now only has support from Obama's white half. you guys all forget. In some great economic news for President Biden, U.s. oil production hit an all-time high this week, and the economy added a surprisingly robust 350,000 jobs. or, as Fox News reported it, are migrants turning your kids trans? campaign finance records show that in the last six months, the Super Pacs behind Donald Trump spent $50 million on Trump's legal fees. And that's with the cheapest worst lawyers on the planet. Can you imagine spending $50 million on the people who just lost you $83 million? I mean, this lawyer did such a bad job in court, I thought her actual name was overruled Shutdown. Nikki Haley has launched a series of campaign ads targeting both Donald Trump and Joe Biden called grumpy Old Men.
Okay, but at least they're men. Chicago became the largest U.s. city to call for a ceasefire in Gaza and turned Gaza. Called for a ceasefire in Chicago. the Fcc is preparing to criminalize unsolicited robocalls that use Ai to impersonate politicians. but you can still impersonate Ted Cruz by shaving a sloth's face. Black History Month started on Thursday, 20 minutes late. during a Senate hearing on child Safety, an online meta Ceo, Mark Zuckerberg, turned to the audience and apologized to families of children who were harmed by social media. the family said they were surprised and, quote, chilled to the bone. it's a horrifying man. Nbc has announced plans for a spin-off to the hit series Suits, which will be set in Los Angeles. it will focus on Meghan Markle's character's struggle to balance her legal career while also caring for an unemployed immigrant. I like that one. Pizza Hut in Canada has gone viral after employees posted a sign on the door explaining that the location was closed due to unforeseen circumcision. it was obviously a misprint because Pizza Hut loves extra toppings.
A race horse in Ohio, which had won a race early in the day, later tested positive for meth. Ohio, where you have to test horses for meth.
Police in Kansas found a stolen statue honoring Jackie Robinson, but say that it was damaged beyond repair. Also, police shot it because it refused to drop the bag.
I like this crowd a lot, man. a family in Michigan whose duck lost its mate placed a personal ad online to find the bird a new partner. and in a loving act of understanding, they even specified power bottoms. a woman in Utah who gave birth to her eighth child just two weeks ago is competing in the Mrs. World Beauty Pageant. I guess she just can't get enough crowning. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_plirts_snl | I don't know, something like that. uh, Taraji, Jim Henson, yeah, that could be a funny sketch. Thanks, man. yeah. hey, why don't we celebrate with a glass of red wine? Oh! it's pretty early, but okay. Cheers! Oh! my shirt! now I'm gonna look like a slob for the date I have tonight.
Gosh, Austin, don't you hate when this happens? I just wish there was a solution to this very common problem. what's up? I said. I wish there was a solution to this very common problem.
Mart! Well, now there is, with the plurt. Whoa. The world's first shirt made of 100% real plastic. that's plastic, but it looks just like a regular shirt. I know it does, but it's made of plastic, which means it spills and stains rinse right off. guys, what's going on? Whoa! Thanks to Martin's plurt, his date night just turned into a sex night. comfy.
Hey, Martin, is this company looking for investors? they need investors bad, because they're so in the red right now. Austin? Oh, you want me to invest in your company. And would you believe us if we told you they were good for the environment? plastic should snow.
Exactly, it's not. but I was hoping you would believe that. come on, though, let's try one on. Oh, geez, okay. I feel like I'm wearing a phone case. So, you want to invest? we Googled it and we know you have enough money. Oh, guys, can't move my arms. sure you can. why should we grab this cup? I almost had it. Bottom line, flirts are stylish, stain-proof, and not for pregnant women. What was that last one? sleek, light weight, and internal temperature of 110 degrees. that's why I always wear mud plants. Whoa! you too.
I feel like I'm having a stroke.
Why are you guys talking like this? Because we need that money, man. you make $30 a video. just give us some money. how did you get the money for the clothing? I got a little help from my girlfriend. hi, babe. Oh, hey, sweetie. you're dating Lizzo? yeah, man, my life's a f***ing movie. Oh, by the way, Martin, I ain't got no plannies on. what is going on? dude, where the hell did you get this plastic? landfill and jersey. What?
The plaid made my hair fall out. Oh! guys, these are dangerous and insane. they do not belong in the office or on the streets. they belong in the runway. Plaid. So it's plastic. Plaid by Plaid Jacobs. Instars Now. |
dropout | sorry_i_m_a_slow_eater | Okay, is everyone ready to go?
Heck yeah, I've never been more excited for a basketball game in my entire life! It's cause it's Lebron James! We're gonna see Lebron James! We're gonna see Lebron...
Wait, wait, wait. Where's Raph? Sorry guys, I'm a slow eater.
Come on man, it's Lebron James! Of course, of course, I'll go as fast as I can. Hurry up man, Sam spent a lot of money on these tickets. Oh, I know, I know. Here we go.
Oh my god, come on, what are you, seasoning each bite? I'm sorry, I just like to savor my food, you know? No, I don't know, we all scarfed ours down. That's not healthy. I know it's not healthy, Raph, but we did it anyway, cause we're gonna witness history, Raph!
You're right. Just get up and let's go! I'll just pop this in the microwave real quick. No! You won't do that! We have to go! It's cold! It's because you've been taking so long. Okay, enough of this, you're just gonna have to eat that on the way. Oh, that is a great idea. I'll peel this egg and take it with me. Let's go! Do it! Don't you just hate it when the little chips are left? The little chip! Raph! We're literally growing old! Yeah, we don't have time for your stand-up. I'm gonna try to peel it in a coil.
Oh, that's not how it works! That's not how it works!
We've been waiting for so long! Hey, what happened to the other eggs? You took so long, they all hatched and now they're laying their own eggs. Alright, well, I guess I can save those for lunch tomorrow. Come on guys, let's go!
Hi, I'm Raffy L from CollegeHumor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD. Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
cracked | the_rise_and_fall_of_the_most_famous_background_actor_ever | Cats, people falling, bacon. The internet is full of celebrities, all rich thanks to the internet. These are their stories.
In late 2012, a playful internet prank on Reddit made background actor Alexander Rhodes' IMDb page go viral. Because IMDb pages with the most traffic are ranked the highest, Rhodes became the number two actor on the site, and his character, suspicious onlooker, became the highest-built role in the upcoming Tom Cruise vehicle, Jack Reacher. Tom Cruise himself even tweeted about it, and that was just the beginning for background actor Alexander Rhodes.
Okay, here we go. Good, good, good, good.
Okay! Action! Seriously? Cut! Repeating myself! Okay! Action!
Okay, um, hi, my name is Alexander, and I'm not just a background actor. The commercial ran only once, because everyone was like, what? When they saw it. But that was all Alex needed for someone to take notice. I saw Alexander in a Professor Beverage commercial, and I was like, what?
And then I thought, I don't want to use the words took advantage of, but it's literally the best possible way to put it, so I'll just sort of talk around it instead. I, uh, I utilized his popularity, and used some groundbreaking technology to put him in the backgrounds of films that I had no right to mess with. It had always been my vision, and from the beginning I wanted to put Alexander Rhodes in the backgrounds of movies that I did not make. And, uh, you know, now, with computers, I guess, I could fulfill that dream.
The two earned literally billions of dollars, but eventually parted ways.
Alex Rhodes' journey was just beginning to be in the middle. It's okay, let's just go. Oh, hey, why don't we step back a bit, Alex?
What? I don't know.
Yeah. I like that. Yeah. That's great. Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alex is doing great, really, really great.
He's got a book coming out in a couple of weeks, The Rhodes Less Traveled. It's him photobombing family portraits.
Funny. Funny stuff.
His debut album's about to drop. He does the ooze and the ozz. Fucking great. He's got a lot of irons in the fire.
Alex? No. This fucking kid. That was the last anyone ever saw of Alex. Now, some say he's with Sasquatch now, while others are complete idiots.
Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Cruise. Obviously. Whoo! That was great. There's a lifetime cruise.
Thank you. Hey, you know, you're doing great. Really fucking great. You're fucking great.
You know, it's you, you know. People like you make things happen. You know, the grip. Seriously. You completed this.
That's from one of my movies. You're not familiar? Show me the money.
I'm not.
Oh, dear. I'll share it with you. Michigan plus. Risky business. Top Down. Hey guys. Thanks for watching. Be sure to subscribe.
Because pretty soon we're gonna have some really funny sing parodies for you. That Call Me Maybe song will be parodied in a way that you love, and also, somebody that you use to know will be the song. Because the original one is somebody that I used to know, but this one's about somebody that you used to know. That's just some of the crazy stuff that we do here at the cracked office. Glad you later. |
dropout | bombing_on_stage_for_1500 | Grant has to perform stand-up, but I get to write all of the stand-up, and I'm going to write you seven minutes worth of stand-up. The last three you'll have to write. Have you ever done stand-up before? No.
Grant has to say, it's all love, every time. Like he sees the whole second amendment, and then he has to just be like, this! The headliner that we have all been waiting for, Grant O'Brien!
What's up everybody? Keep it going for your comics, right? These guys look great. Great. After that, I moved to New York City. Is anyone here from New York? Okay, great. And after that, I moved to Los Angeles. Is anyone here from Los Angeles? Great.
I've been on the dating apps a lot lately. Well, you meet some characters on there. No, it's all love. This is a serious point. Flossing is fake. These people who are so big on flossing, it's like, oh, you're definitely the pro-vaccination part of the tooth industry, which is just, you know, idiots. I just did one of those escape rooms. Yeah, right? This one was called Depression, and I did not escape. You guys know the radio host, Ira Glass, it's this American pie. Stiffler's mom bought a butt plug, but didn't buy any lube. It's all love.
I have the, oh, I have actually, this is, I have an audiovisual, this is right, this is the Second Amendment of the United States, a well-regulated militia, which, have you ever seen a well-regulated militia in your life? It's like, oh, good, some top-down structure, finally. Like this is my impression of a militia, which is sort of like, what's going on over here? At least we still have the right to bear arms, and it's like, oh, no, oh, they took my arms, oh, no. In a world where God hosts an open mic, and everyone only gets five minutes, yeah, that's all love.
What's the deal with tipping? You know, like I've paid, why do I have to pay twice?
That's all love. Bed bugs, more like board bugs, quit chomping on my skin. Yeah, Donald Trump, Donald Trump's in the news. I always call him Donald Rump because he's such an ass. That's all love.
You guys remember that movie Thank You for Smoking? I always like to think of myself, what if they called that Thank You for Joking? That's what I'm actually thankful for. I don't actually want anybody to smoke, but yeah, I want people to joke a lot. I'm Grant O'Brien. That's my time. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Hey, y'all, give it up for Grant O'Brien.
When did you feel the worst of them? When did I feel the worst?
When I was doing Stiffler's Mom at an Ira Glass thing. The Ira Glass thing, I mean, some of it people have laughed at, the Ira Glass thing, I was dead silent. That militia thing sucked.
Give it up, it's Allie. Do you like that clip? Me too. Just so you know, there's a full 22 minute long episode of Right Now on Dropout. So go to dropout.tv and start your free trial of the day to see Allie do this. I want you to publish your diaries. I wrote a poem for a straight girl today because I'm dumb. |
TheOnion | Critics_Slam_Obama_For_Just_Standing_There_During_Photo_Op | Tighten up your beltway. We've got more politics to talk.
I'm Lee Decker. I've got Jason Copeland and Marie Byron hogging up my screen, so you know it's time for gaffe or good. Hi, Lee. All right, you know the rules. I play a clip.
You tell me if it's a huge gaffe or a good move. First up, John Boehner talking to a Small Business Owners Association Tuesday. Watch. Small businesses are the engine of job creation in their communities.
Marie, gaffe or good? Go. Gaffe or good? He's on message. He's showing the people he knows how to speak their language. Come on. Jason, gaffe or good? Lee, he's on message, but he's got to get off the script. Boehner is trying to act confident, but he's trying way too hard. Gaffe or good, Jason? Gaffe.
He's regurgitating stale Republican talking points. Americans aren't buying this.
So who's right? Who's wrong?
Jason says gaffe. Marie says good. Jason, if it was 1996, I would agree with you, but yesterday's gaffe. Today's good. Let's crowd source it. Crowd says good.
File it. Next up, Harry Reid caught vacationing this week.
Look. Well, gaffe or good? Obvious. Gaffe. This is just sloppy.
I mean, get this guy a handler. He's relaxing. This candid camera stuff works wonders for Palin.
But she's not a U.S. Senator, Lee. You can't walk around dressed like this.
I got to go with gaffe. The public wants to see the Democrats doing their work. Nothing else. Exactly. Keep it serious until you're out of office. Jason, you know how it works, but I don't like how it works. Everybody says gaffe. I can't change the world. Gaffe. I'm making this the Dean's screen memorial gaffe of the week.
Time out. We've got one minute left in this hour.
Let's see who won it. The GOP or the Dems? GOP gets it. They've won seven of the last 10 hours, 22 of the last 48. Can the Dems recover?
Ah, days trump hours. So we'll see who won the day tomorrow at 5 a.m., whatever. Mike Allen does his deal. I don't get up that early.
All right, last clip. I think you recognize this guy.
Quick, gaffe or good? Gaffe.
He is just standing there taking no action while the country's crumbling around him. So you can't stand still. What should he do, Jason? Start juggling gaffe or good? Go. We're running out of time. He's not just standing there.
All right, Jason. Good, good.
He's showing resolve, and that's what the American people- All right, on the one hand, he's not doing anything. On the other hand, he's a pillar of strength.
Yes, it's this sort of level-headed- Jason, don't interrupt me. Is it enough to beat the Tea Party? Almost certainly unclear. Jason Marie was right more than you today, but you had a better showing, so you win the segment. All right. Sorry, Marie, you're out of touch with the mainstream. All right, we need to take a break, but stick around.
We've still got to check out our political momentum equation. Momentum is mass times velocity. Tea Party's still got the mass. Can they keep up their velocity? Or are the Dems finally upping their drag coefficient as Harry Reid whittles down the GOP's mass density consensus on the war in Afghanistan? Suck in that gut. The Beltway is cinching up after this.
A new study finds many public schools are forced to use old, outdated teachers. Stay tuned to the Onion News Network for more. |
cracked | what_directors_really_think_on_set_rom_com_extras | When you approach something like this as a director, and when you walk onto any set, every director has their own approach, what is the Adam Janzer director? I usually start with imagining what the best version of the film is in my brain, even if it doesn't matter whether I can do it or not. So basically I'll start with this, like, a lot of hope and it will slowly die. That's my process. Do you see that process on par with other correct directors?
Yeah, I mean, certainly when you say other correct directors, we're talking about Abe. Abe is great. I mean, he's very talented. He's been working here for a lot of years.
You're here helping the crack team shoot rom-com. What is your involvement on this film? I thought I'd help Adam out doing some background. Really what I wanted is I wanted to check out, like, what was going on in the set, you know, to see, you know, what was happening there and how he runs the show. You know, big director man.
And you did Star Wars. I did Star Wars, yeah.
The scale of your shoot was much bigger. Adam's kind of here in an office. It was enormous. We had cranes with much bigger lights. Like, he usually would show up and, like, kind of help me with the lights on a lot of my sets. And he's never explained the theory to me because I'm like, hey, I'd like to know what you know. I don't know how they designate lights, but, like, I think there's, like, tinier lights, which he uses, and then, like, gigantic lights. And I only use gigantic lights. I mean, it's just better. I mean, you've seen Game of Thrones. Gigantic lights. He brought the biggest lights I've ever seen in my life.
I don't even know how we got them in the doors. That's just my process. He's got a different process. I don't try to, you know, count things, but the count is me ten and five. I try not to count.
I mean, he's not wrong, you know? He's not wrong about it.
I wouldn't say I'm as good as, like, Clint Eastwood, but we run similar ships. We were on Star Wars with Abe, who was running the ship, and now Adam's running the ship. You had to push one off of the ship.
Who would it be? I didn't care last night. It really made an impact on me. They're just button monkeys, really. Adam was kind of a late addition to the process, so he's going to need one to 20 years to, you know, get up to speed. I mean, they wouldn't let me do Star Wars. It wasn't probably personal. It might have, it just worked out. It was a scheduling, mostly. He wouldn't see this. You know, like, I should keep it between us. But, like, he's not really a good director.
But, yeah, Star Wars is fucking great. It's really good. Well, I think you're needed on set. Oh, oh, yeah, thank you. It was good. Thank you. Thank you, everybody.
Actually, Abe's got it, Adam. Abe's got to take it.
Roll sound. Roll cameras. And action. We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
The guys are horrible. Terrible.
I got a hundred messages in an hour. The messages I receive?
Hala. I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using. I tear that ass up. Penis. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_aidy_s_dream_snl | Hi, I'm SNL's Aidy Bryant. You Know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan, or Teacher. I have loved all of these sweet, nurturing women, but the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, you know, to show a different side of myself. So Tonight, this is that sketch. Enjoy. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, good. God, I'm so nervous. I Can't believe she agreed to go on a date with me, a loser and a fool. How do I look? You look fantastic, sir. I'm sure she'll be titillated. But You're right to be scared. She is the most widely desired woman in the world. Oh, I'm sick. I'm sick with feeling for this woman. It's her. Pray for me, boys. I'll scram, boys, and leave this man to me. My God, you are so beautiful and sexual, and I can tell by your personality is also very good. Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that, I'd have so many coins, it'd be annoying. No, sexual woman, you make me so horny. I see why they call you the sexual woman. So, yeah, I lied to Oscar Isaac. I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show called the Sexual Woman. Is that a crime? Oh, I am the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair. Mind if I get a little closer? Oh, sure. Bring Your head and body that look like that closer to mine, whatever, I don't care. I Need you to know, I See you sexually. I Don't see you as someone who would, like, run a school. I mean, you are the most under-35 person I've ever met. I'll stop it, you flirt. Well, I bet you are about to do your big catchphrase. Oh, oh, right, yes. My famous catchphrase, of course. What was it? Yes, here we go. Hey, you, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch. Oh, oh, OK, yes. Come on, come on. I Must confess, I have a big, cool boner right now. I sometimes get when I respect someone too much. Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No Reason. I mean, pretty random. Every time I've done something romantic on the show, it's been totally random, like with Ryan Gosling or Drake. Oh, my god. Do I have a pattern of sexual randomness? Well, whatever, you only live once. Now, back to the sketch. Is The food all right? I Hope you even like spaghetti. You're lucky that I do. Dammit, I'm in love with you and it's killing me. Yes, to me, this is normal behavior. I Wrote a song for you, if that's OK. Sexual Woman, are you from Paris to Baio Barcelona? No, I'm from Arizona. Sexual Woman, I Respect you so much, as is demonstrated by my insane boner. Oh, brother, a boner? Well, let me guess, you want to kiss me now? Yes, I do, but not yet. You Need time to digest all that spaghetti. For Now, could we just hug? Yes, good idea. I Would have forgotten to digest and I would have regretted it later. What they say about you is true. You are everyone's cup of tea, including me, Oscar Isaac. Oh, I know Oscar Isaac. Sorry, I'm sorry, it says my real name on the cards. Is that a mistake? I don't know. The writers are so annoying and stupid. I would say, I guess, just go with it. Oh, OK, all right, yes. Then Let's get my fat arse on your lap. Yes. The Sexual woman, hey, get your fat ass on my lap. |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_want_an_independent_woman_who_does_whatever_i_want | My name is Errand. Like the chore? I'm looking for a woman who will let me have a beer with the boys. Who will actually give a damn about the big game. But also a scientist who's a slut. I'd like to think that I am a sensitive man who's in touch with his emotions. I shed a tear the other day while watching Bambi and I almost cried when a Chinese guy shot my grandma on the head. I'm looking for an independent woman who will do whatever I want.
My doctor said I had actually quite a large penis for a baby yesterday. I love the zoo. Once at the zoo I watched a gorilla rip my pet iguana Rico in half. So I'm willing to experiment in the bedroom. I put a bobblehead in my butthole.
I am looking for a woman who looks like this. This is my mom.
I don't believe dogs go to heaven. Heaven is for people and the Bible is pretty clear about that.
The other day I tripped and hit my head on the corner of an ant. I almost died.
This jacket is 100% linen. It looks like this because I dropped it in a hot tire. If you're a fat sweaty pig my phone number is 4-2-2-3. I am a devout Christian as you can see on my tie is Jesus Christ. Oh No, that's Garfield. I brought the wrong tie. I want a burger.
I am very business-minded and career oriented. I have completely diversified my portfolio.
I'm looking for my partner in crime. I need a getaway driver. I need an explosives expert. I need a safe cracker, a contortionist. I need a hacker with huge tits. I'm just looking for a fun-loving redhead who works at an Orange Julius and it's at the Altamont Mall. I'm looking for you, Samantha.
I love you, and I drew you this picture. I will shave every part of my body except for the tip of my penis. I have a zippered patch on the back of my flap. I have a stitch on the tip of my penis. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_selling_60_bibles_francis_scott_key_bridge_collapses_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. Good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, four Presidents visited New York City at the same time on Thursday, three to do a joint fundraiser at Radio City, and one selling bibles door-to-door. Donald Trump has partnered with Country music star Lee Greenwood to sell a $60 special edition of the Bible that also includes the Constitution, the lyrics to Greenwood's God Bless the Usa, and I assume God's letter of resignation. this bible is mostly the same, but Trump's version ends with Jesus' disciples storming Jerusalem to overturn the results of the crucifixion. Trump also posted this video urging his followers to buy it. All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many. many. I actually believe he has many Bibles. I'm sure he's been sent thousands of Bibles with a note that says, please read this.
More than 5,000 people attended a Democratic fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall featuring big-name celebrities like Barack Obama, Stephen Colbert, and Lizzo, as well as lesser-known celebrities like President Joe Biden. this week, Baltimore's Francis Scott Key bridge collapsed after it was struck by a cargo ship that was carrying, you won't believe it, Boeing Airplanes. President Biden said Friday that he would visit the site of the Baltimore Bridge collapse because, like that bridge, Biden is no longer connecting with black communities. you got to read the polls. Wow. Donald Trump shared a video Friday of a truck driving in Long Island with a picture on the back of President Biden tied up with a rope. And I'd love to know where to get one of those, because if you have that on the back of your car, you are never getting pulled over by a cop. Nbc News cut ties with Ronna Mcdaniel after many network hosts protested her hiring, and I'm actually very disappointed, only because I thought Ronna Mcdaniel was a drag version of Ronald Mcdonald. Florida Governor Ron Desantis, seen here remembering his presidential campaign, signed a bill that will ban social media accounts for younger teenagers, but Florida's older teenagers can keep their social media accounts because they need a place to post their sonograms.
L.a. Dodgers star Shohei Otani was forced to fire his interpreter over gambling and theft allegations. reach for comment. Otani said something in Japanese. it's no way of knowing what he said. the Ceo of Boeing announced that he's stepping down in the wake of the company's ongoing safety issues, and on his way out, he held up a bunch of nuts and bolts and said, good luck figuring out where these were supposed to go.
Vice President Kamala Harris praised Beyonce for her new country album, saying that she has reclaimed country music's black roots. Um, I'm sorry, Hootie? no love for Hootie! |
TheOnion | Tea_Party_Quiet_Too_Quiet | Two years ago, the Tea Party dominated the national political scene, drawing thousands of supporters to their protests and marches and inundating the media with their cries for smaller government. But now, with just months until a presidential election, the Tea Party is quiet, some say. Too quiet. With analysis, we are joined by Thomas Wilkes of the Shuttleworth Institute for Political Studies.
Welcome. Good evening.
It's clear that the Tea Party has given up their attempt to influence national politics.
Wouldn't you agree?
Oh, Andrea, don't be a fool. A political movement of that size and intensity does not simply vanish. Oh, no, Andrea, they're still out there, biding their time, gathering their strength, waiting to strike.
But, Thomas, no one has seen a grandmother holding an Obamacare equals socialism sign or a screaming man in a colonial costume in years. I mean, take a look at this footage. This is from a Tea Party office taken earlier this week. There's nothing there but a few dusty posters. Just because you can't see the Tea Party doesn't mean it isn't there.
But I don't completely understand this. I mean, where is this happening, Thomas?
Where are all of these Tea Party members? Some say they're walking among us, disguising themselves as ordinary, apathetic, politically uninvolved Americans. Others say they've taken to the woods and are living in caves and old abandoned cabins waiting for the right moment to jump out and snatch our congressional seats one after another.
Right. Here at the Onion News Network, we heard this theory and we've actually sent Jason Copeland out to see if he can collect any information. That was a very bad idea. They'll be waiting for him. Okay, let's go to Jason Copeland now for a live report. Jason. You should not have sent him out there. Jason, are you there? Jason, can you hear us? They're coming. Jason! Right. Here at the Onion News Network, we heard this theory and we've actually sent Jason Copeland out to see if he can collect any information. That was a very bad idea. They'll be waiting for him. Okay, let's go to Jason Copeland now for a live report. Jason. You should not have sent him out there. Jason. Jason, are you there? Jason, can you hear us? They're coming. |
dropout | daria_movie_trailer_with_aubrey_plaza | High school was like the Civil War. It lasted four years, you were defined by what you wore, and I lost one in ten of my friends to gangrene.
That last part isn't true, but a girl can dream, can't she? Daria, I am president of Londo High's Reunion Committee. How would it look if my own sister didn't come? Why don't you actually admit to your friends we're related so we can find out?
I never thought I'd come back here, Jane. I knew I would. I assumed it'd be for a funeral. Retirement's the best thing that ever happened to me. No more stress.
But how about you, kiddo? Great, Dad. High on life. What's life? Is that some new kind of drug?
I failed my daughter! Daria, I think this will be a wonderful opportunity for you to reconnect with your old friends. I'm sure they've grown up. 2002 rules! We should ever take your reunion like every year! We're Mystic Spiral, but now that we're back together, we're thinking of changing our name too. The Pembroke River Family Disaster. There's a survey going around. We'll get through this Daria. We're Bonnie and Clyde Butch and Sundance. You do realize that all those people died horrible bloody deaths, right? Tom, we haven't seen each other in 10 years. For all I know, now you're a serial killer. Or worse, married. It is my honor to present your valedictorian. We've all gone our separate ways since graduation, but we'll forever be united by the deep emotional scars these places left us with. And, um, go class of 2002. Boom. |
cracked | if_cereal_mascots_got_serious_about_stealing_cereal | Oh ho ho ho ho! Oh, Hoy!
Thanks for coming, everyone! Thanks for putting this together, Cap! We should have done this years ago!
Don't thank me yet! Wait till we're all swimming in cereal! Before we get into it, I want you all to know that what I'm about to propose is very illegal, very dangerous, and very lucrative. If you stay, I promise you, your days of stealing cereal one bowl at a time are over!
This is the Central Grain Distribution Center. It's the largest stockpile of cereal in the great early west! At any given time, the CGDC needs to have enough loose cereal to feed every household in the U.S. CGDC?
There's no way that's real! Makes sense to me. Said the fella that came to the crime meeting dressed in a crime suit! The CGDC is just being responsible!
Sorry, I'm going to a speech therapist, but it's not going. Whoa! Fight! Wait, so what do we do?
Ooh, infiltrated and easily spotted disguises! No disguises! We'll sneak around back and our tunnel will get us in!
My guy on the inside- Ah, but ah, one second! You've got a fella on the inside?
This is so so elaborate! This is nothing! One time I built a blimp so I could convince Fred I was part of a flying ninja gang, so he'd trade me fruity pebbles in exchange for membership! Well, that's the stupidest scheme I've ever heard, and I'd like to revisit the specifics at some point.
Gentlemen, we're losing time. Once we're in, my man will hand deliver the combination from the vault that stores the keys that lead to a safe that tells us where the serial is. Cookie Crook, I'll need you to make an exact duplicate of that key. Can you do it? Anything to stop the constant back and forth of that cookie cop pig! Maybe stop stealing only from a copper! Exclusively!
Plus, cops have those billy clubs, but kids don't. And you can just sneak right up on kids while they're camping or in their houses.
Get your life together, man! We can stand here and figure out what's wrong with a Trix rabbit, or we can work out the serial heist of the century! Yeah, I'm sick of spending all my money on crazy costumes and traps. You have money? Just buy cereal! What's the point? It's always Trix are for kids, this and silly rabbit, that. They're not objecting to your eaten cereal, they're objecting to your stealing it from children! Guys, this is so fixable! And pray tell, first mate, high and mighty, where does your cereal come from?
I use magic! Hello? Magically delicious? Well, then, shut up! You all have your instructions. I'll be waiting for you in international waters. It really feels like there's a lot of stuff uncovered. Friday! 2 p.m. You're right. Yeah!
Oh god, he's not gonna make it! Don't let up! Ah, son of a bitch! Captain's inside guy must have tipped him off! He can never trust the chockeel!
I didn't think those security guards would be good shots! It turns out they're...
Hey guys, so thanks for watching our video to the end, but we just... Some of you guys have been leaving some nasty comments on other people's videos. So keep that up, and subscribe to our channel, and keep leaving great comments, because you guys are the best and kindest people in the world. |
dropout | Meet_the_World_s_Saddest_Baker | I bake and I'm sad. My great-great-grandparents started the Brijone Cafe many many moons ago. They had a one a pot, a one a pan, a one oven. I mean they had like a two customers, not like me. I had so many customers. They used old authentic Sicilian baking techniques, no modern technologies. They grow wheat, they raise a chicken, they milk a cow, they unshell a nut, all by hand. And when they pass the business onto my great-grandma, she say, mama, papa, there are many new advancements in a cookie, maybe we try some.
And then they shook her and say, no, whatever you do, do not let our tradition die. You could carry your own arm off, you could put in your pants every day for the rest of your life, but above all else, do not let our tradition die. And they spit in her hair and told her never to read a book. The Greco family was revolutionary.
They changed the game. What you gotta understand is that no one was doing this at the time. It was the wild west out there. There were no rules, there was no script, we were just flying by the seat of our pants.
The Grecos are legends in the pastry world. They took what you think of as a simple dessert and they kept it simple. By way of a ludicrously complex and outdated baking process. His family was full of culinary geniuses, and he'd be a fool to disobey their wishes. They changed the pastry game, and now it's up to Giuseppe to stay in it.
I'm the oldest man in the world, so I've seen it go through changes. I remember the first time we saw a refrigerator at the store. My grandma forbade us from buying one, but it was a fun day. I also see trends come and go. When I first inherited this business, I mean, sorry, what's the word? When I first forced into this business, I remember the big trend desserts.
But then I think of my great-grandpa spinning around in his grave like a rotisserie chicken screaming, don't you dare! These desserts sound like gibberish, which was the name of his least favorite Sijian dish. But then I see something in a shop called the Tiramisu Cupcake. I thought this is not so far from a tradition. Maybe I tried. Please, I just needed to do something different one time. That Tiramisu Cupcake?
No one could believe it came from Giuseppe. It was a disaster. He strayed from tradition, and people hated it. The press had a field day. People hadn't tasted anything like it. And this time, in a bad way, it really set Prizioni back. I mean, we all know that new and different is always bad. Loyal customers were up in arms. They said, why do you need to change Tiramisu?
You're a monkey, so you'll dance like a monkey. Now dance, monkey, dance. I want to see you grind up on that pole, you stupid, sexy monkey.
Yeah, work for me, baby. Work it hard. You're my little sugar pig. Oink, oink, piggy piggy. Light me up some pastry like the little bitch you are. Believe it or not, that's just a taste of gods of food.
To watch the rest of the series, go to Dropout Period TV and sign up for your free trial today. Dropout Period TV. What's a TV?
I only take one vacation in my life. It was in 2001 to see Legally Blonde in the movie theater. I love some of you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Wednesday_1st_April | Hello, you're listening to the Batooda Advocates Daily News Wrap. My name is Wendell Hussey and we're coming to you live on Desert Rock FM or wherever it is you get your podcasts. Thanks for tuning in and make sure to subscribe or follow the new Daily News Bulletin podcast feed if you haven't done so already. Now here are the biggest stories from our humble regional news organisation.
Starting off with national news today and they better not thank God for this says exhausted vaccine scientist pulling 20-hour shifts. These comments come from one stressed local researcher working in an industry that's faced decades of resource stripping in an effort to silence any grave warnings about future health and environmental catastrophes. Speaking from the research station on the outskirts of Batooda, Dr Natalie Liu, who is burning the midnight oil trying to find Australia's way out of this COVID-19 pandemic, said to us, It won't be God's doing if we create the vaccine. There's no holy water here, just caffeine and very limited funding. But I suppose giving all the praise to Jesus Christ is better than the government taking credit for it. Yes, hopefully they do get the credit they deserve when all this is said and done. We'll stay in science news for this next story now and the CSIRO has decided against the We Found a Cure April Fool's Day prank today. Despite being made up of some of Australia's biggest nerds in the country, the CSIRO are actually well known for not being afraid to have a bit of fun, with their most clicked social media posts of 2019 being the April Fool's prank that saw them announce that Dr Who had just joined their research team. However, with the pandemic growing more and more serious by the day, our brave scientists have opted to stay in the labs and give the funny business a miss until next year. Spokesperson Dr Brian Niack told the Batooda advocate that this was a tough decision, but ultimately they would like to leave the spreading of misinformation about COVID-19 to the Murdoch newspapers and Donald Trump. And Chris Ricketts, one of our readers from Batooda Heights, commented on that story, saying as we approach Easter, people should be focusing on prayer and reflection to get through these difficult times. Silly jokes will not help anybody. So it sounds like he was glad the CSIRO didn't bother.
Moving on to some other national news and just add these bailouts to our tab, says Nation Millennials. With a smile and a nod in the government's direction today, Australia's young workers have put their collective hands up to cop the latest bailouts on their generational tab. Already resigned to picking up the pieces for the whole climate change thing, the lack of national profit from the resources boom and the mushrooming age of the workforce, the nation's young people said, just chuck all this coronavirus shit on top as well. Good point. I guess they are just numbers at the end of the day.
Next up and into some sports news, Raelene Castle has tearfully set the Rugby Australia marketing pigeon free today. This comes after CEO Castle took a 50% pay cut, stood down 75% of Rugby Australia's staff and got rid of most of the old boy ex wallabies hanging around for long lunches and fat paychecks every week. So given that she had to let that many of the old boys club go, it was never going to end well for the poor pigeon responsible for the code's substandard marketing. So in a touching moment this morning, Raelene Castle shed a tear and let the crack pigeon fly off into the Moorpark grasslands.
Shine on you crazy podgeons, she whispered. And on that note, that's the end of our news bulletin too. So thanks for tuning in. We'll be back again tomorrow. But until then, my name's Wendell Hussey. Stay at home and look after yourselves. |
TheOnion | Prague_s_Kafka_International_Named_Most_Alienating_Airport | Businessweek magazine released its annual Air Travelers report this week with Prague's Franz Kafka International Airport ranking last in customer satisfaction due to long flight delays, poor service, and an overall impressive impersonal atmosphere. The report found the average delay at Franz Kafka International is 31 hours longer than the next worst airport. We spoke to several American travelers who reported spending weeks and in some cases months waiting for flights. I asked the ticket person what gate my flight was at and they said that the airline I was flying didn't exist and everyone keeps calling me S. The airport was also cited as difficult to navigate with a list of complaints including curbside shuttle services which loop around the airport before depositing passengers back at their starting point and extremely long corridors leading to dead ends. Gate B2 is next to gate B11 and gate B14 is in the F terminal. Businessweek also rated Franz Kafka International among the worst airports in terms of customer service calling the employees quote completely indifferent to travelers needs. If there is a problem fill out complaint form and place it in an envelope addressed to the name of the hospital in which you were born. In response to the ranking the airport added a public address system in an attempt to clear up any confusion. The purchase arriving early at arrivals landing late may be canceled or delayed without a prior notice. The airport also created a toll free customer service helpline but when our reporters called the number this week they found it connected them to a hat store in Stuttgart. Travelers also report being frustrated by the airport's unusual security procedure which includes a time consuming personal interview.
The security guard asked me for like 80 minutes are you who you say you are? Are you who you say you are? And finally he writes liar in the back of my hand and lets me pass.
Airport officials say the complaints are unfounded. All problems are travelers zone. If you only make certain to properly follow proper protocols no such problems would exist. Properly follow proper protocols. The nearby Dostoevsky hotel also received low marks from the passengers a large number of whom checked in due to a flight delay and ended up murdering another guest at the hotel. Coming up a new medical report warns getting screened for cancer is a leading cause of finding out you have cancer. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_biden_s_state_of_the_union_mitch_mcconnell_endorses_trump_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, on Thursday, Sleepy Joe finally woke the hell up.
President Biden delivered the State of the Union, and he honestly kind of crushed it. I mean, even Trump's house Elf, Lindsey Graham, was laughing and enjoying it. normally, he's only that happy when he's secretly watching Rupaul's drag race. Biden's speech was great, but you could also tell the bar was very low.
The New York Post's headline was just, he's Alive. That's it. that's like a headline you see about Bigfoot.
Biden also got a big response while addressing the issue of abortion. When he said, we're about to find out how much political power women have. Then he turned to Kamala and said, accept you. former President and current reverse mortgage applicant, Kamala Trump, criticized Biden's speech, saying the words are not flowing smoothly out of his mouth. Well, we can't all speak with the same effortless grace as Donald J. Trump. Just recently heard that Saudi Arabia and Russia will repeat you. sounds like someone just inserted a colonoscopy camera. Some democrats criticized President Biden for talking about migrants by using the term illegals. But come on, he's 81 years old. let him slide. he means well. like when my mom put up that sign to stop oriental hate. All right. call it a you go. Biden also took time in his speech to say that shrinkflation is affecting Snickers bars and that people pay the same amount for 10 percent fewer Snickers. And I got to give him credit because it's pretty risky for a white guy with a stutter to keep saying the word snickers. The Republican response was delivered by Alabama Senator Katie Britt, who made some choices.
As a mom, I can't quit thinking about this. Mr. President, enough is enough. we see you. we hear you. and we stand with you. Thanks. those are all scenes from her one-woman show, a Brit Much. it's the play critics are calling, is she okay? that was honestly some of the worst acting I've ever seen. And I've seen me.
I don't know. I don't have it today.
I'm glad you told it. Marjorie Taylor Greene, seen here dressed for a shift at Tgi Crazies, was questioned by a reporter about her Jewish Space Lasers conspiracy theory and Greene responded like this.: tell us about Jewish Space Lasers. No, why don't you go talk about Jewish Space Lasers And really, why don't you f*** off? Wow. even more shocking. Look what happens a little later in the video. Really? why don't you f*** off? How about that?
Arizona Senator Kirsten Sinema, who looks like all the Flintstones at once, announced that she is retiring from the Senate. but I doubt any of us will ever forget the name of Senator Crystal Salmonella. All right. it was reported that Msnbc studios in 30 Rock have been infested with bedbugs. For more on this story, everybody look under your seats. Netflix announced that in July it will live stream a fight between Mike Tyson and Jake Paul. but the real fight will be Mike Tyson trying to pronounce next Pli- Netflix. it's hard to do. Jetblue and Spirit Airlines announced that they are canceling their planned merger after a Federal judge told Jetblue, girl, don't. It was reported that 92-year-old Rupert Murdoch is set to marry his 67-year-old girlfriend. the couple asked in lieu of wedding gifts, Sin Lube.
Oh, good, another one. Oh, another one.
It was reported that 92-year-old Rupert Murdoch is set to marry his 67-year-old girlfriend. the couple is registered at Campbell's funeral. Oh, boy, this is a rough day for me, man. for the first time ever, two male humpback whales were photographed having sex. learn more about it in the heartbreaking drama Humpback Mountain. a social media influencer was arrested for allegedly throwing a tampon at bouncers who were removing her from a club. Well, at least we know why she was acting that way. a Pennsylvania man has been sentenced to two years probation for selling body parts for mortuaries. but still no punishment for the buyer, Arby's. For weekend updates sponsored by Arby's, I'm Michael J. Goodnight. thanks For watching. |
cracked | most_embarassing_discovery_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_8 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson. I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion collection of Agents of Cracked.
Stay after and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing, little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert, I killed a hobo. What a day, partner. I'll say. I'll admit it. When those Iranian gorillas had you naked chained naked to a pipe, tiny dingus quivering in fear, and it was up to me to save you and edit a video of a farting squirrel by 3 o'clock, I didn't know if I could do it. But then I did. I shot everyone. And you cried, remember that? And together, I saved the day. One hell of a day.
Actually, I was referring to when you lunged me with a potato peeler because you thought my face was a mask because you thought I was you in disguise. None of that stuff that you said happened. Ah, you're still blocking it out. Hey, I understand. If I'd been forced to orally pledge... I was not forced to oil... ...the sweaty gang members.
Okay. Same time tomorrow, I imagine. I will see you in 10 hours, 46 minutes, and 38 glorious seconds. Is this your ride? The fact that I'm getting in would seem to suggest so. Ah, it's all right. If you can't afford anything, pimp. Check it.
Solid metal chassis. Royal golden hues. Windows. All glass.
Oh, hey, baby. You hungry? I brought you a piece of sandwich.
Who is that? Who the hell is that?
Michael, you have to let her go. Let her go? Man, I am but her humble slave.
It'll be six years in May. Found her in the car one day. Easy. She goes in a big old cup and I huck him out the window on the way home.
That is not what I was going to ask at all. But that's also awful. Oh, I get it. You want in on this. Hey, I don't blame you. This car's not the only thing that screeches when you f*** it.
Oh, of anybody who died from torture, I do not ever... We are never forced to torture people. I do not... Remember World War II to not speak to Newenburg trials?
Barack Obama is president of the United States today because it's stupid.
Let's see what's going on with the old Jim Conner, huh? Sweet, the new vitals are out. Would you like a new vial, Mr. Muscles?
Bet you would. You are such a close whore.
Dan? What are you... What? You... Dan?
Why? We're just horses. What? No, why? I... Why? No! Okay, let's come. Horses? What? No! Dan, why? Horses?
Is that the last one? Yeah. Michael, what the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be... You know what?
I don't even want to venture a guest. Pissing in mailboxes, maybe. Or wrestling homeless men, but not here.
Right. The guy with the fiberglass horse collection is gonna judge me. I was a judge, Daniel. What are you doing here? Well, after you harsh me about the big gulps... Was it kidnapping in the sex labor? Whatever. I felt bad, so I came back to, you know...
Properly dispose of your wife's waste? Release her into the wild?
No, you know. Poor crap all over your desk. Has vengeance. Hardcore vengeance. But now I just feel bad for you. You can't do this. I'll be left out of the office. This world is not kind to horse people.
Why don't you do this on your home computer? This is my home computer. My office computer was destroyed the last time you sought hardcore vengeance, remember?
Oh, yeah. What was that for? I don't know! Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson. Now would you please show me how to photoshop your face onto a horse for my blog post tomorrow? Michael, we're partners. And if that means anything at all to you, you'll do this for me. You said the Q word. Partners. You got a deal.
But listen, I better get out of here. Every minute alone in the car is a minute the little lady might figure out how to hotwire. Take care of this for me? No. Well, I'll leave it in the break room.
He's going to f*** me. What is this really bible I know you guys are going to tell me? He f***ed me.
Hey! It's on the blog, my man. Or should I say, my main man. Could have meant main state. I meant the kind of horses. Hey, Dan. The boss wanted me to give you something?
Sugar cubes. Should have known something so sweet could only come... Still though.
Damn it, Mike. You f***ed me. I liberated you. You were living a lie and now you're free.
Free to let your horses roam across the plains of your desk. Instead of corralling them in the stable of your drawer. Free to harness yourself to a pumping stallion and run.
You're always talking about which horse has the longest schlong. Arabian. Trying to get people to petition to legalize horsemen. Increased demand as a food staple would shore up their flagging numbers.
Everybody hates you. I hate you. I banned you like eight times.
Yeah. But I always come back. I'm sneaky and unavoidable.
Like the horse. You don't know anything about horses. Horses are proud and honest and...
Mike, you're such a hypocrite. You betrayed me and you're keeping the same secret. Hey, no, this is nothing like that.
Why? Say it. Say why.
The people in this office, they look up to me, Daniel. I'm their hero. It would crush them. Saying that is not going to make it real. Sure it does. Everything always works out for me. Example one.
I was very thirsty today. And then I found this big gulp in the break room on my way in. Check it. Still warm. Uh, something I should know before I get a mouthful of this bad boy?
Nope. Okey dokey. What? Why?
This is the horses episode where we first introduced the dance character loves horses, another thing we did randomly for one episode and then of course brought back time and again. It's something not to interrupt your story, which I'm doing, but it's something that, uh, I think sold cracked senior editor David Wong on the idea of the series when that was one of the random episode ideas thrown out. I was like, I know this one, it turns out Bad Love's Horses and has a blog about it. Wong went fucking nuts for that.
And that's actually, that was my wife's horse collection. That's a real little girl's horse collection. And, uh, she also plays my homeless wife in the thing. So those were her horses.
Shoulda ended the story at Dan's thing. The earlier thing. At me, Gasping, because I'm not allowed, I'm not sure if we're allowed to say it. Gasping is my thing. On the YouTube channel. Oh. |
SaturdayNightLive | mother_s_day_gifts_snl | Oh, my gosh, what a mother's day. You did too much. Well, you deserve it. After all, you're our mom. Well, I'm your wife.
Yeah, that's what I meant. Who wants to go first? I do. Oh, oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see.
Okay, life doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a mother.
Where'd you get this? Oh, we got it at Home Depot. they sell art there, too.
This one's for me, sweetie. Thank you, John. Okay, Mom turned upside down spells. Wow. It actually work. No, no, I see no, you're right. it does it. these are really great. I'm here Mom.
I thought you'd like this one. Okay, thank you, sweetie. Okay, dear Mom. we sucked your teeth dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Like I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something, but thank you. You kind of look like the woman in the side. Yeah, I don't know about that. Oh, honey. give her yours. Okay. um, here you go.
Mrs. M. just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family. Oh, of course, Danny. let's see, having a mother-in-law is like having crap.
Is there more on the back, I mean, it feels like they didn't finish the joke.
Well, you're gonna like this one. Okay. well, well, I do like the color for sure where your ears ringing.
I was in therapy that doesn't even say happy Mother's day this one all out by myself. Okay, it's a big one here. Dear Wife Now that the kids are grown, we don't have sex as much anymore, but we do sometimes and that's fine. Well, there's this one actually goes with it, so don't read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother's Day! These are getting really specific and personal.
Yeah, they're great, right?
Well, I yeah, I think you spent too much. Oh, no, they're like a dollar ninety-nine Okay, I want to read this one.
Dear Mom: If you died and Dad remarried, it would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman. Understand, you know, usually these signs say something like, you know, Caution: mom needs wine or something like that. We have ones like that here.
Okay, okay, let's see. it says oh, look, it's wine o'clock just I just love watching the sunrise. Is that inclined that I'm getting drunk at dawn?
Here's a good one. Okay.
I only drink on days that end in why and during hours that have numbers in them. Okay, okay, I'm not drunk. it's just the wine talking. Oh as in oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything.
Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I'm an effing mess.
Chica, Oh, I think Mother's Day can be done now. Okay. thank you everyone. no, Mom. we're sorry. I guess we got carried away.
Yeah, I mean, you know, they seem really clever in the store. don't be mad. this is your day. There is one last one. if you want to look, you probably don't though. Oh, you know what? fine. just give it to me Mom for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do. There's just one thing we need to mention. you're the best. we love you. Okay. well, that one is pretty cool. That part flips down. Oh, we suspect Dad has a secret pancakes. Wait, do you. |
dropout | how_many_anakins | From Galahad to Gil Galad, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else. That is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
I have here a stack of questions. These are false statements by the franchises that are nearest and dearest to your hearts, or if not your hearts, someone's hearts. It's up to you to find a thing that I said wrong and correct me. You have to proceed all your corrections with the phrase, um, actually. If you don't say um, actually, you won't get the point.
Go ahead, grab your buzzers. Get comfy.
This first question is about Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones. In Game of Thrones, House Lannister of Casterly Rock is a wealthy family known by their house words. A Lannister always pays his debts, and also by their sigil, a golden lion on a crimson field. Hector. Um, actually, the saying is, a Lannister always has sex with his sister.
It very well could be. They seem to insist that that's totally fine. They insist on the incest. But no, no, that's not their house words.
Um, actually, they're not wealthy. They owe a bunch of money. That's pretty good. All their assets have been liquidated. It's like, oh, we're very land wealthy, but we're cash poor.
No. Um, actually, sigil's a made up word, and they just call them flags? Uh, no. Okay, I'm gonna say that no one got this one. Um, boy. Duh.
The official house words of House Lannister is actually Hear Me Roar. What? It's not, it's not a Lannister always pays his debts, even though they say that all the fucking time, and they never say Hear Me Roar. Um, actually, it's Hear Me Roar right before I have sex with my sister.
It's the full thing. That's the full version. You cut it off. They always abridge it. But I just wanna make sure for the fans out there, that's the full. That makes sense. Okay, so yeah.
That show is too damn convoluted already. And I'm not gonna pay attention to the minutia.
This is our next question about Star Wars. The smiles and crying's ears perk up. The character of Anakin Skywalker, perhaps better known as Darth Vader, has appeared in every Star Wars movie except one, The Force Awakens. The first six films basically serve as his life story, in which he is portrayed by no less than four actors, including Jake Lloyd, Hayden Christensen, James Earl Jones, and briefly at the end of Return of the Jedi, David Prowse. Um, actually, Darth Vader did appear in The Force Awakens?
No, only his helmet. Not just his helmet. Poppin' in there. But like, the helmet's so iconic that you kinda think that that's him.
That's basically the character, right? Uh, no. Um, actually, did you say portrayed? I did say portrayed. Because James Earl Jones only did the voice. That's true. I don't know. Yeah, we certainly expected someone to make that point. But you know what? Voice acting is an important portrayal of a character. I'm gonna disagree. I'm saying it now. Voice actors aren't actors.
You're supposed to know this. You're supposed to, Ryan, like, kicking it. You're searching.
You just, you have such a confidence when you read the question that I don't wanna believe that you're lying to me. Sure, yeah. You know, that's how I get through life. I say a lot of things that I know are not true and just say it confidently and hope no one will stop me on it. I'm a beautiful man.
Um, actually, there's a fifth actor who portrayed him who was not, David Prowse was his face. Mm-hmm. It was another man in the suit and I cannot remember his name. That is exactly what we're going for. Okay, I was waiting for his name to come. I'll give you the point unless someone else can swoop in here and tell me that man's name. He was a British actor, probably. Super tall guy. Okay, we'll go ahead and give you the point.
It was Sebastian Shaw. Sebastian Shaw is the one who appears at the end. David Prowse is the body actor for most of it. They made that guy fucking sweat it out in that leather suit for three movies and then when it was finally like, you know what, let's take the mask off and see your face.
Not its face. But what a bod. What a bod. Look at that guy. A real dad bod.
I am your... whatever. I don't know what I'm doing.
And this next one is about Marvel. Marvel.
In Thor Ragnarok, the eponymous Asgardian makes a throwaway reference to his adopted brother Loki turning him into a frog. This moment actually does occur in Walt Simonson's run on Thor, with the main character returning to his true form only after reclaiming his hammer Mjolnir. Um, actually only a tender kiss can return Thor to his true form. No, that's not... you're dancing on the thing that's wrong, but you don't have the thing that is correct. That's totally bullshitted. Um, actually I would kiss Thor. Well sure, but that wasn't in question here. No. Um, actually after defeating some evil rats in Central Park as a frog, Thor was turned back into his human form by his trickster brother Loki. That's correct. It's not that reclaiming Mjolnir turns him back.
He's got other things to do. He has to go deal with Loki still in frog form. And in fact, we have a lovely image, uh, hopefully that we can show you here. There is, uh, Frog Thor. What's more than the power of the novel universe? And, uh, yeah, as far as explaining his tiny helmet, I think just all of him and his clothes were shrunk down on top of being turned into a frog.
It's like Hulk pants rules. Yes. You guys are blowing my mind right now. Also look how hot that frog is. He is ripped. Yeah, but he lost his hair. Well that is a point for Hector, and, um, we'll move on. Good job. Great.
This next question is, uh, it's about the Wizard of Oz, the movie The Wizard of Oz. In The Wizard of Oz, Margaret Hamilton delivers a line to her flying monkeys. I've sent a little insect on a head to take the fight out of them.
This seems like it makes no sense until you remember that the spooks referenced in the movie are technically insects. Um, actually, it doesn't seem to not make sense. It does not make sense.
That's kind of true. You're actually like kind of on the right track, even though I know you're joking. Um, actually it's, I'm going to be more confident with my fake answer. Thanks.
Um, actually it's not insects on a head, it's fleas in a shopping bag. Uh, no. That is incorrect. Um, actually, she was referring to Toto, who people forget was actually a sleeper agent the entire time, and was working for the Wicked Witch. Uh, no, I'm sorry, that's not what we're going for either.
That line, I've sent a little insect on the head of them to take the fight out of them, that actually refers to a deleted scene in which all the characters do the jitterbug, due to the influence of a character called the jitterbug. Even though they cut that scene, they left that line in there, just hoping people would I guess gloss over it, or forgetting that it was there. And you kind of do, because it's like that doesn't make any sense, so I'm going to forget that it exists. So you're telling me Modern Dance made it to Oz? The jitterbug was very popular at the time, and they were like, you know, for the kids, let's have a little jitterbug dance scene. It's like having Crumping in the middle of your Oz movie, it's ludicrous. Yeah, I just feel like, what if all these characters dabbed now, you know?
And this brings us to our very first shiny question. Shiny. Shiny questions. Shiny questions are just like shiny Pokemon in that they are pretty much exactly the same, they're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
So in just a moment here, we're going to have someone come and bring you some boards for a game we call Order Up. Now fantasy literature is filled with fantasy locations, and few locations conjure the feel of sword and sorcery more than castles. People have five castles on this board that I want you to arrange in alphabetical order by their name. First person to buzz in with the correct order will get the point.
And begin. And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered, and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone.
Kill them. Monster folklore comes to us from all around the world, match the monster to its place of origin on the big map, and win a point. |
dropout | troopers_laser_sword | Hey, do you guys ever think about how we hyper-drive on parkways and we park on hyper-drive-way? No, I don't! Shut up! You! Not at all! You have failed me for the last time! Which one of us? You!
For, uh, questioning me. Look, the important thing is I get to try out my brand new laser sword! Behold, the instrument of your demise! Bubble wrap? Guys, what's the plan? Oh, wow, it has Eon II paint crystals! That, that is awesome! Oh, dear. Fusion core's not included, huh? Oh, shh. Give me the adapter. Okay, rail into female.
You have failed me for the last time! Pink? I can't kill anybody with pink? What am I gonna do, wuss you to death?
Oh, thank god. It says here you can adjust the color. No way. Ah, there we go, green. Green is a killing color.
Yeah, it says that's seafoam. Seafoam, uh, red? Sangria. Blue? Storm clouds. Yellow? Canary. Orange. Orange popsicle. Who named these?
Doesn't matter, prepare to die! What?
Uh, safety's on. Safety? It's a safety on a laser sword.
Whoop! I swear this never happens. Ah, it looks like you have it on whip.
Ha! That's stupid.
Give me that. Ah, okay. Here we go. Now you have cancer. What? Yep, and now you die. In six to eight months, depending on how you respond to treatments. Hey, we're all in this together, buddy. Thanks. Well, everyone, I've got some phone calls to make. Nah, this isn't gonna work for me. I need something with a little more- Uh-oh. Here we go.
Whoa! No!
There's a red slider on that. Make it go longer if you- Just be careful, because it's super sad.
It's fine!
Don't! Don't move! Son of a- |
dropout | History_s_Most_Doomed_Expeditions_Full_Episode | Hey, kids, remember, everything you're about to learn is real!
All the wonders that a single class can find They decide to shut their mouths and open up their minds Sex and **** and crime and pain All this crap will be explained And while we're at it, let's try to have some fun Talking about what the **** 101 Talking about what the **** 101 Come and see the worst of history What the **** 101 Come and treat their life and misery So if you think learning sucks, well, let me show you It's what the **** 101 With me, Professor Foxtrot Is River dead? Who was that man? What the **** is happening? I don't understand Everyone calm down River is fine, probably Maybe What the hell happened to her? Dr. Gamma was probably trying to zap me back to the Q dimension I'm sure River is safe there What's the Q dimension? A prison dimension Ungoverned by the laws of God Man and physics were the maddest, most dangerous mad scientists Are locked up But I'm sure she's fine Hello?
Weird This place is **** sick That Foxtrot is always making a mess of things You're not supposed to be here But I suppose you can still be useful What's up? I'm just going to keep an eye on you And then I'll finally apprehend Foxtrot Once she inevitably comes to collect you I think we should probably just leave River where she is What? Are you crazy? We can't do that Sure we can Bringing you to the Q dimension is quite an expedition And if history teaches us anything It's that expeditions can go terribly, terribly wrong Follow me But what about River? Hey, Miss Foxtrot, where are you going? Wait, we're not done talking about this It's July of 1897 Miss Foxtrot, no We can't go on another educational adventure right now River needs our help Look, I know it's risky But if we try hard we can get her back safely Yeah, we just need to believe in ourselves or something And I think you're just trying to protect yourself No, no, no, no, don't listen This is Salomon August Andre of Sweden Resourceful, eternally optimistic, and a total failure Hi there I'm gonna fly a hot air balloon from Svalbard Over the North Pole to Canada Or maybe Russia Both work He's not sure? Well, you can't steer balloons I can My balloon will drag dozens of long ropes along the ground Slowing it enough that we can use sails to change course All aboard Come on gang, hop on the balloon Handsome feet inside the basket Just kidding, you can put your feet up Up, up, and away That's fine It is fine now It wasn't Andre immediately lost his only method of steering And he unloaded so much weight that the balloon shot up to an altitude of 700 meters At that height, hydrogen escaped even more quickly And ice crushed it onto his balloon fuck I'm getting sick Get used to it With no equilibrium, Andre rose and fell for two days straight Everything's going great We're all gonna die Okay, compromise Let's say we've had some ups and downs Boo Andre was forced to hike back to civilization First, he went southeast Eastward ho But he was on an ice floe drifting the opposite direction He actually traveled backward He then converted his balloon into a raft And set sail to the southwest instead Westward ho But the wind changed directions almost immediately By September 12th, two months after his initial departure Andre decided to camp through the winter on an ice floe And let the drift carry him wherever it would Wherever, ho Less than a month later, the ice broke apart under his encampment Forcing him to relocate to solid ground Even still, Andre remained relentlessly upbeat Here's what he wrote about himself and his two companions Morale remains good With such comrades, one should be able to manage under I may say, any circumstances See? He and his friends looked out for each other They were dead within days Ah, that sucks Ah, come on See? If you try hard, believe in yourself, and stay positive You can still fail and die But he was also hasty, stupid, and unprepared We can't knowingly abandon River Right, yes we can I'll show you Oh, where the hell is she?
I don't know, man I mean, she must know you're here, and you're a child, for Christ's sakes She's kind of a fucking person It's 1698, and this is the goal for Darien In what we know as Panama But what at this time is called Caledonia Colony of the Great Kingdom of Scotland No, shut up How can you teach while River is in some mad scientist prison? Excuse me, I'm very excited to talk about Caledonia here If we try to get her, all of us will be in danger But especially you It's pretty cool Yes, so? I don't want to end up like this disaster We're not a disaster We're the start of the grand Scottish empire And also the end The crops failed and what little food they had spoiled in the tropical climate No, no, that's a Caledonian delicacy The fort they built had no fresh water And the colony was beset by malaria, dysentery, and our old friend, yeah, fever Man, that stuff is everywhere This is what I'm saying Someone should have helped them If they did, it could have started a war Spain had claimed this land and no one wanted to piss them off by trading with the settlers So every other country just watched these people die? Well, England traded alcohol Which meant the whole colony was populated by starving, sickly, drunken nationalists It's calling for help In the end, only 300 of the original 1,200 settlers survived Okay, but what about Scotland? They still could have helped They tried A month later, two ships brought 300 more people in supplies One of those ships accidentally burned down And nearly everyone aboard the other died of disease while trying to escape to Jamaica And since word hadn't yet reached Scotland about the colony's collapse A thousand more settlers arrived and did it all again I didn't think it was that fun the first time Ho ho! How's everyone enjoying the wondrous land of Caledonia? And on top of all that, the entire country of Scotland was ruined Half of all the money in the country was invested in the Darien scheme Scotland was so debt ridden, it could only survive by uniting with England So almost everyone on the expedition died Everyone who tried to help died, and the country that funded it went bankrupt? Yes!
See how an expedition can go wrong? And how help can make it even worse But maybe these people would have lived if others had helped them I mean, what about all the bold expeditions that were successful? Even some of those were nearly disasters Do you think something happened to her? Maybe she's in the hospital I think she just sucks, man I bet right now, everyone else is somewhere way worse Learning something totally awful Woooo!
We're gonna love this! It's March 18th, 1965 And Alexei Leonov is about to embark on the first spacewalk ever! Uh, is he getting fatter? Yep!
The pressure difference caused his spacesuit to balloon up Cute! He couldn't move his limbs or fit back into the airlock Can't he just bend some air out of his suit? That's exactly what he did But it also brought him dangerously close to getting the bends In his haste to get back inside, Leonov over-exerted himself Putting him at risk of heat stroke He sweated out 13 pounds of water weight All of which was slashing around in his suit and getting in his eyes But he made it Yes! Which is when multiple systems in the spacecraft failed Uh oh, that looks bad That's okay, it's okay, it's okay Maybe he can manually land it He did! In the Siberian wilderness Which was full of bears and wolves made aggressive from mating season Oh yeah, you do not want to mess with a horny bear That's how my father died Leonov had to camp in the capsule But an electrical malfunction broke the heater And ran the fans at full blast But, but he survived Yes, a rescue patrol skied in the next day to retrieve him and the other cosmonaut In fact, he's still alive today Aha! You seem as foxtrot how even a dangerous mission Where everything goes wrong Can still be successful with a happy ending Oh, whatever Back to class!
No! No, we're not going to do that thing Where you preach some cynical monologue About how the world is bad and **** and everything is terrible We're getting River Wait!
Biggie!
Give me that River! Are you here? The Q dimension is infinitely large She could be anywhere There she is Whoa! Whoa! Oh hey, have you seen this place?
It's ******* sweet Yay! We found her! It was suspiciously easy Sweet!
Let's get the **** out of here before Ha! You're mine now foxtrot And it took you long enough I mean Jesus, what the **** is wrong with you? Dropout is the new premium, ad-free and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today And don't worry about me, I'm fine Nah, this is all gonna turn out fine I feel safe |
cracked | andrew_jackson_most_terrifying_man_ever_elected_president | Andrew Jackson, the 7th president of the United States, was a hard party and hard fighting, hard crazy, ugly, ugly son of a bitch who took the highest offs in the land because he felt like it. What were you gonna do, stop him? He'd like to see you try. When he wasn't busy shaping the presidency as we know it today, you could find Jackson out behind the White House dueling. The number of duels that he took part in varies, depending on what source you consult, some say 13, while others rank that number somewhere in the hundreds. Both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to voluntarily stand in front of someone who is shooting at them.
On one occasion, Jackson challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel. The reason behind it wasn't important, not to us, and certainly not to Jackson. Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first volley. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson wasn't so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the 20th. Andrew Old Hickory Jackson ran for president in 1828.
If you're wondering how he got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry around a hickory cane and beat people senseless with it. And if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic. Despite the best efforts of his opponents, the justice system, and whatever force balances the tenuous order of the universe, he succeeded.
Jackson's first act in office was to throw a huge party, less of a civilized celebratory gal and more of a political burning man. More than 20,000 people showed up for his inaugural open White House, during which the crowd got so rowdy that Jackson himself was forced to sneak out a window. It wasn't until someone had the bright idea to place tubs of whiskey on the White House lawn that Jackson was able to sneak back into the house and actually start being president. Jackson's presidency wasn't all Animal House-style shenanigans, however. He was also the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made.
It was Richard Lawrence III who, in a futile attempt to out-crazy Jackson, believed he was the rightful king of England and that murdering Jackson would secure his claim to the throne, because, according to Lawrence, Jackson killed his father in 1832, even though Lawrence's father had never been to America and actually died in 1823. Either Jackson could kill through space and time, or Lawrence is simply the kind of crazy we just don't make anymore. He attacked Jackson while attending a funeral, brandishing two pistols, both of which misfired. Jackson then turned and calmly proceeded to beat Lawrence to near death with his cane until the president's aides pulled him off the would-be assassin. If you're thinking that Lawrence's guns misfired because he lubricated them with rabbit's blood or something else crazy, they were inspected afterwards and determined to be in perfect working order. We're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were just scared of Jackson.
The legacies of many great men are measured by the words of profound wisdom they leave us. Andrew Jackson is no different. Upon reflection of his life and works, he was quoted as saying, I have only two regrets. I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun.
That's right!
In a life rich with national partying and spontaneous murder, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun, who was Jackson's vice president.
Hi, um, I'm one of Cody Johnston's wacky characters that he does, because he can't just talk like a human and do things seriously when he wants to make a point. I'm using this one to tell you to, you know, subscribe if you want to one of our channels. We've only got the one. Do it on the cracked internet. Bye, and I'm f***ing Cody! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_caitlin_clark_on_the_wnba_draft_snl | The University of Iowa announced that basketball star Caitlin Clark will have her jersey retired and replaced with an apron.
Oh!
Well, the Wnba draft, the Wnba Draft, is this Monday. and Iowa star Caitlin Clark is expected to be the number one pick. here to comment is Caitlin Clark. but nothing for my joke, whatever. I am a fan, Caitlin, by the way. really, Michael? because I heard that little apron joke you did. Well, yeah, it was a joke. we're just having fun, you know? you make a lot of jokes about women's sports, don't you, Michael?
I wouldn't say a lot, but, you know, it's not on the regular. yeah, no, it's definitely a lot. I actually sort of made a super cut. Take a look.
Well, no, we don't have to do that. a number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness. the bars are known collectively as the empty Ones. A new report claims that recent stories on the Sports Illustrated website were actually generated by Ai. and it's already making glaring mistakes. for instance, it made up something called the Wnba. Iowa's Final Four game against Uconn was the most watched women's college basketball game ever, with 14.2 million viewers beating the previous record by 14.2 million viewers.
Wow, calling with the receipts. thanks, man. no problem, you know, unlike Che, I support women.
Whoa! No, hold on.
I think you're a great basketball player. I mean, I can't play like you do.
Yeah, we know.
And obviously, I can't tell jokes like you do. thank you for that. But I did write some jokes, and it would mean a lot to me if you read some of them. just write over there on the cards.
12, the Indiana Fever, Have the first pick in this Monday's draft. a reminder that Indiana Fever is a Wnba team, and not what Michael Che gave to dozens of women at Purdue University. you really wrote these yourself? Yeah. Netflix's top new show is Ripley, featuring an eerie, unsettling performance by actor Andrew Scott. critics say it's the hardest thing to watch on Netflix since Michael Che's special Shame is Up. This year, Caitlin Clark broke the record for three pointers in a single season, and I have three pointers for Michael Che. one B, two funnier, three dumbass.
All right, Michael. yeah, no problem. and good luck in the Wnba. I hope you have a great first season. Thanks. I'm sure it will be a big first step for me. but it's just one step for the Wnba. thanks to all the great players like Sheryl Swoops, Lisa Leslie, Cynthia Cooper, the great Don Staley, and my basketball hero, Maya Moore. these are the women that kicked down the door so I could walk inside. So I want to thank them tonight for laying the foundation.
And Michael, since you're such a big fan, I brought you a souvenir. it's an apron signed by me. Oh! oh! thank you. I can't wait to give this to my girlfriend. you don't have a girlfriend, Michael.
All right. Oh, Joe, good night. Okay.
Mark is expected to be the number one pick.
Here to comment is Kaitlyn Clark. but nothing for my joke. whatever. I am a fan, Kaitlyn, by the way. really, Michael? because I heard that little apron joke you did. Well, yeah, it was a joke. we're just having fun, you know? you make a lot of jokes about women's sports. don't you, Michael?
I wouldn't say a lot, but, you know, it's not on the regular. yeah, no, it's definitely a lot. I actually sort of made a super cut. Take a look.
Well, no, we don't have to do that. a number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness. the bars are known collectively as the Empty Ones. a new report claims that recent stories on the Sports Illustrated website were actually generated by Ai, and it's already making glaring mistakes. for instance, it made up something called the Wnba. I was like, Iowa's Final Four game against Uconn was the most watched women's college basketball game ever, with 14.2 million viewers, beating the previous record by 14.2 million viewers.
Wow, calling with the receipts. Thanks, man. no problem, you know? unlike Che, I support women.
No, hold on.
I think you're a great basketball player. I mean, I can't play like you do.
Yeah, we know.
And obviously, I can't tell jokes like you do. thank you for that. But I did write some jokes, and it would mean a lot to me if you read some of them. just write over there on the cards.
Well, the Indiana Fever have the first pick in this Monday's draft. a reminder that Indiana Fever is a Wnba team, and not what Michael Che gave to dozens of women at Purdue University.
Do you want to tease yourself? Yeah.
Netflix's top news show is Ripley, featuring an eerie, unsettling performance by actor Andrew Scott. critics say it's the hardest thing to watch on Netflix since Michael Che's special Shame is up.
This year, Caitlin Clark broke the record for three pointers in a single season, and I have three pointers for Michael Che. One B, two funnier, three dumbass. Not Michael.
No problem, and good luck in the Wnba. I hope you have a great first season. Thanks. I'm sure it will be a big first step for me. but it's just one step for the Wnba, thanks to all the great players like Sheryl Swoops, Lisa Leslie, Cynthia Cooper, the great Don Staley, and my basketball hero, Maya Moore. these are the women that kicked down the door so I could walk inside.
So I want to thank them tonight for laying the foundation, And Michael, since you're such a big fan, I brought you a souvenir. it's an apron signed by me. thank you. I can't wait to give this to my girlfriend. you don't have a girlfriend, Michael.
All right. good night. good night. |
TheOnion | a_v_club_pop_pilgrims_los_angeles_the_graduate_church | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
A young man races to the church to stop the woman he loves from getting married. Gets there, the doors are locked, he runs upstairs, bangs on the glass, screams her name. She calls to him, they fight their way out, and drive off into film history. I'm speaking, of course, of the closing scene of Wayne's World 2.
Oh, and the graduates, both shot at our next stop, United Methodist Church. We are standing on holy ground because Dustin Hoffman has walked in these... No, I don't know if he got this far up. So, talk to Keith Marshall of the United Methodist Church here in La Verne. Maybe we should start back and talk about the history of the church. We're celebrating this year the 50th anniversary of the building. It was originally built as a wedding chapel, and then on the other couple of acres of land over there, they were going to build a big and grand, glorious church.
Didn't happen. This was grand and glorious enough for them. As you know, that window up there is the place where Dustin Hoffman is pounding on the window. We've often thought of putting, you know, one of those cardboard cutout pictures of him up there. Yeah. Do you think you would be able to hear someone yelling up here? Well, let's try it.
Alain!
Can you hear me down there? Okay. Can you hear me anyway?
I don't think the church people knew the plot of the movie. So, if you come in and say, oh, we want to shoot a wedding scene, and it's going to be an interrupted wedding scene, then you don't know what the rest of the plot is. And so, since then, they've been very careful to review the script.
I had a visceral reaction, like, when he took the cross and locked people in to the church as they ran away. Putting the cross in the door, that was pretty powerful. And the way I thought about it was, you know, locking the old style religion, the old style values, you know, the church is the keeper of the community values. And so, I think it was very highly symbolic when he actually used the cross to keep people in.
Now, the other thing I like, though, is they get on the bus and they drive away. They're playing the sound of silence, and as they're sitting there, they get somber and more quiet and reflective. Now, maybe you know movies better than me, but do you think they're sitting there going, oh, my gosh, what have we just done? I think it's one of the things that keeps the movie alive is that debate of what are they thinking in that moment.
So, that was a landmark, groundbreaking film, and mostly we're proud of it. Mostly. So, what are some of the things that have come here that I've wanted to shoot? The Bubble Boy was filmed here. Great film. And then Wayne's World.
Two. Hi.
This is the AV Club, and they shoot little videos about locations. That are like cultural landmarks from culture. Did you know that the graduate wedding was shot here?
You knew that? No, you were here when it happened? What happened? What were you doing? Well, I was a member of the church. Did you know?
They did not clean up. They left the stairs. They left everything here. And I said, you better get something in the contract to clean up after yourself. So, we had Wayne's World 2 here, and they cleaned up everything.
Pastor Linda Poteet Marshall, am I saying that right? Thank you so much for letting us come here. Wonderful. Good to have you. A pleasure. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_star_worlds | Welcome to Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff, that's Pat. Our friends at Stridegum are trying to save the arcades, a cause very near and dear to our own hearts. So we came all the way to Decab, Illinois, to the Star Worlds arcade. We're here with the owners, Pat and Glenn, and we're here to learn about the rich cultural history of arcade games. Kind of their effect on society.
No, you said you just wanted to play Donkey Kong all the time. No, I said I wanted to play Donkey Kong Jr. There's a difference, right?
Yes, there is. This is it, we are in front of the Star Worlds Hall of Fame. It's just an amazing place to be, and Pat and I are going to spend the day trying to get our names up here. You know at Yankee Stadium how they have the names of all the great champions lining the stadium?
This is nothing like that. You know, this is a very basic premise for a game. Usually you gotta save the princess, or rescue the president. You just want to set up dominoes in the middle of the street.
I will say this game has the best use of ragtime music I've ever heard. My hat's off to you, he said. That means more to me than any high score. But did I get the high score? It's very important.
No, you did not. But you said you didn't remember what it was. You fell short. Domino man, not our game.
Which is fine, which is fine. I feel really good about this 14 wins in Mortal Kombat 4 then. Pat, what can you tell us about this game? It's the fourth in the series. Mortal Kombat 2 was really popular. I think what Jeff meant is like, cheat codes, special moves, fatalities, what can you tell them in that respect? Oh, that's classified information. This game's got laser guns, you got monsters, you're in space, there's dungeons. If pizza rolls came out of the bottom when you beat a level, you would be set for a lot. You would never have to leave this room, Jeff.
So our quest to get on the board, not going that well, but I noticed that next to Police Trainer there is currently no name. Why is that? We just got the game in. So you could actually set the bar for everyone here at Star Wars Arcade on the score of Police Trainer. So you're saying all we have to do is put the quarters in the machine and we will get a high score? I feel like we're like Riggs and Murtaugh, just about to go into like, you know, a tool for this crap. Okay. By getting the high score, we actually become official police officers. Our jurisdiction only extends within the borders of the arcade. You know, you can't train someone for what happens on the streets, you know? Accuracy is the only thing. If I beat accuracy, I will be a patrolman, as far as I can tell. Congratulations. Oh my God, wait. I didn't get a chance to enter my name, so I guess what I'm saying is let me on that high score board.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jeff! Jeff! No! Oh!
All right, you. Toki. Now, Jesse Owens, Evander Holyfield, Jeff Rubin, they have absolutely nothing in common. But today, Jeff did get the high score on Police Trainer, and Glenn here is going to put his name up on the board. Glenn, if you would do the honors. Jeff, how do you feel?
There's no describing it. This is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Wow. Incredible. If you want to even try to experience this sense of pure euphoria that's going on around here now, if you want to help the cause, visit savethearcades.com and get ready for Save the Arcades round two, coming in 2010. |
dropout | the_hottest_lesbian_kiss_ever | Six beers, two shots, and a Jager Bum. I don't care.
Check it out, check it out. Laz begins, bro. Oh, yes, dude, they are so hot. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. They're going all the way.
Yo, this is more than just a hookup, bro. That conversation is crazy intimate. Man, I gotta record this, all right? My boys are never gonna believe I saw two human beings connect on this level. Yo, you can tell they find each other attractive outside of the male standard for beauty. No way, they're meeting each other's families. Nice, dude.
Everyone seems to be getting along. They were happy that their daughters are happy, bro. They just started dating, and they're already moving in together. One of their dads is gonna co-sign the lease.
No, he's so open-minded. It's so banging. You know, that is a crazy commitment, but not as serious as...
Yo, dude, love knows no j... Dude. Dude, they adopted them? What the fuck?
That little girl is mad blessed to have two strong women in her life. Yo, she's gonna find out that gender roles are a relic of the patriarchy. You know, it's so sweet how they still find time for each other even after the kids. Because they're soulmates, dude.
It's so hot. Damn. All the girls are ready to go to college. What?
It's like she was just born a few seconds ago. Oh, no. One of their moms passed away. It's a good thing she has a rock. She'll be strong enough for the both of them.
Dad, yo, look at all the grandchildren. Those are some proud ass matriarchs. Time has come full circle, bros.
She will die as she lived with love by her side. Dude, there is a dead old lady in our frat house.
Yo, we're so screwed. Yo, no one's gonna believe what happened.
I gotta go. Yo, if you liked that video and wanna see more funny ass videos, click on me to subscribe. Dudes, I love you guys. You're super drunk, dude. I'm chill, man. We love you too, but you're like, I'm scared. |
dropout | the_guy_who_only_posts_sad_stories_on_facebook | Cynthia! What's wrong? Someone just posted a video of a dog being put to sleep. Oh God, who posted it? Was it Rodolfo? Yeah!
He's always posting such depressing things on Facebook. Why is his Facebook such a bummer? He just posted how someone in Chicago keeps slashing people's faces. But I love faces!
Rodolfo?
Woe. Woe be unto us all. What's the matter now?
There's drone footage of a factory farm. The evil men do will not be forgiven by any just God. Why do you use Facebook like this? You don't have to only post depressing articles. I must bear witness. At this late hour of humanity, we are impotent against our fate. The only power left is to tell the story of our decline. There are plenty of articles about good news. Here's one about a new kind of flower, see? The tonnage of misandry will crush you in the loveliest news.
Look, the world's oldest guitar player has Parkinson's. He won't be able to strum.
I just found out about this and now I care! When the music stops, we will only be left with the sound of the world's screams. And when the screaming stops, only silence. Hey man, just because you're miserable doesn't mean you have to ruin our days. Keep it to yourself.
Gene Wilder died. Oh fuck! The NYPD punched a mailman while he was on his route. What kind of big penguin just became extinct? I've been pooping all wrong. Ridgeville Crossing in Georgia just outlawed music. My favorite TV show was brought back but then cancelled again.
Tacos made with chicken are about to get more expensive. Tommy will kill you? And it's actually contagious. The chasm of life has peaked at the birth of death. It must be crossed without even a lantern to light the way. We have only our knowledge without demise.
What's that? It's Harley Keynell from Snapchat! Look at me! I am a dog! Fuck this, I'm hanging with him. Yeah, he's way more fun.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | Black_Lives_Matter_Organizer_Explains_Movement_To_Older_White_Americans_Using_Sailing_Metaphors | The Black Lives Matter movement doesn't mean that Black lives matter more than others. We just won't stand idly by as people slaughter us with impunity. There are many misconceptions about the movement, especially among older white Americans. It can be hard for them to understand and even make them feel threatened.
So maybe it'll help them feel more comfortable if I explain the movement through sailing metaphors. Think of America as a boat. Better yet, a cantalina sloop. Yanmar diesel engine, spacious cabin berth, the works. You'd want to protect that against leaks and cracks, right?
Well, extrajudicial killings against Black Americans are like a leak in the hull or a crack in the bowsprit. They make the vessel un-seaworthy and difficult to navigate. That's how racism in America prevents this country from moving in the right direction. Picture this. You're mooring your sailboat along the Key West coastline, and in the distance, a storm cloud starts rolling in. Those clouds are institutional racism. To best navigate the storm ahead, Black Americans staged protests, which is like battening down the hatches.
The Black Lives Matter movement wants to draw attention to the unjustified murders of African Americans. Just like you would want to draw attention to an incoming squall so it doesn't tear a hole through your furling mainsail, which you love very much and want to protect. Every time we hold someone accountable for unjustly harming a Black body, it's like cleaning off a coat of slime from the bottom of your prop that's keeping you from carving through the Pacific at 28 knots. Understanding that Black lives are not disposable and do matter and should be protected is the same as getting one step closer to finally owning that 400-foot carbon fiber superyacht with three swimming pools, a helipad, and masks as high as the Statue of Liberty. Everyone should want that. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_176_David_Crisafulli_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here in the beautiful Dymantina Shire, we've currently, I think it's now 40,000 days without an active case out here in the channel country, things are doing alright, you're joined by myself of course, Clancy Overill and Errol Parker, editor of Large Howie Errol.
I'm alright mate, everything's all nice and sunny over here in the West, so hope things improve out your way soon. Yeah mate, it's, it's, yeah no we're not doing too badly, that's Western Queensland. Yeah. We're pretty much unaffected by this virus.
North Queensland and the South East corner have taken a battering over the last year, not as bad as you know of course New South Wales and Victoria, but they have taken a few knocks, there's been a few snap lockdowns and today's guest actually in some capacity represents both those regions, North Queensland and the South East corner, right down to near the near the border. We're joined today by the leader of the opposition in Queensland, LNP leader, The Kid, Chris Ofuli, thank you for joining us.
G'day to you boys, it's been a thousand years since I've been called The Kid, so that's, that's nice to hear. We're gonna start, we're gonna start with that David. Was that a football thing when you were playing young guns with Robbie Carter? Is that where you picked up that nickname?
No, I only played once against Robbie and it was actually in a game of Union. I never played against League, thank goodness, he was a lot tougher than me. I was, Union, Union was probably more my schtick than League because for League I was too weak to be a forward and too slow to be a back, so in Union I just found this home just turning up to every ruck and every maul, if you had a little bit of fitness you'd be okay. Nobody knew, I was never pushing, I was never scrummaging, I was just there and rolled on to the next one.
You can hide away in Union, that is one of the, that's one of the, one of the joys of it actually. Now where are you at at this very minute that we talk to you, obviously you're zooming in for those for those listening at home, we're zooming in with David Chris Ofuli, where are you based right at this minute? I've had a big week on the road but I'm just back in Brizzy, I'm at the airport about to fly north to Townsville, back to, back to where it all began for me, so for a weekend up there. And can you tell us, does that feel like home when you when you fly back into the beautiful deep north? I always say home's Ingham and you can't, no matter where you go there's always an attachment with where you went to school and that group of mates and for me that's Ingham and I've still got a small little cane farm up there which, which dad looks after, which keeps me grounded and keeps me, well some people buy racehorses, some people drink, that's their vice. I work to subsidise my agricultural hobby but it's, I don't know, I love those, I love those regional towns and I fear for them to be, to be honest without getting too political, I fear for them because if they don't find a reason to grow you're going to have some amazing towns wiped off the face of the earth and we'll be lesser as a state and a nation for it if we don't find a way to re-energise agriculture and tourism and, and mining in some of those little communities. Now just speaking of, you know, re-energising the regions, was Robbie Catter as good at league as Bob likes to tell everyone?
He was pretty handy. Was he? Yeah, he was, he, he was probably...
I always thought that Bob was full of shit. Well he is, but, but, but not, not when it comes to your boy and if he's anything like my old man, it's, if anything they talk us down rather than talk us up, so I've, you know, you could, I could score 150 on the cricket field and Dad would say I was lucky, there was a few French cuts and top edges, same with, same with Robbie, that's how it works mate, the old boy will always keep you grounded.
Now you spoke there about the, the regions needing a, needing a boost or needing some love at least, well let's address the elephant in the room. You represent the LNP now, you were with the LNP, I mean you are obviously, you are the member for down there on the Goldie but obviously Ingham Boy, and the LNP represents the regions. Why was, I guess you'd say, Labor Premier from Inala, very much in the suburbs of Brisbane, able to get one over you lot, last election? Well it's not just the last election, it's the last few elections. But they got quite, quite a big one over you last election. Yeah they did, and look we've got to address it and I'm, I don't underestimate her, many people have always said oh she's this and she's that, I don't underestimate her and I never will, I'm sure she underestimates me but that's okay.
What I want to do is I want to try and find a way to bring the city and the country together and I think I have a fair grasp at both ends of the state and I have, what I've sought to do is rather than try to walk both sides of the street, I say the same thing when I'm in Brisbane as I'd say if I'm in Bulia and I talk about agriculture and I talk about the need for land tenure and water security, I talk about mining but I talk about it being to the highest environmental standards, I talk about tourism but opening up our natural assets and doing it in a respectful way but you know trying to do what the likes of Tassie and New Zealand have made but I also talk about the southeast and say that if we're going to have an Olympic Games and if it's going to provide opportunities for the whole of the state you need a southeast corner that has a thriving business sector as well so I've got no dramas talking about both ends of the state and I've got mates in both ends of the state and I'm proud to come from one and represent another and that's I hope will be our key to our success. Now you don't, I mean you are proud to represent both, member for Broadwater down there and I guess in the greater Gold Coast region, born and raised in Ingham, Ingham Italian, can you tell us with that move okay and it's worth kind of highlighting this, did you always have the Gold Coast in your sights or was that kind of an Angus Taylor let's move here six months before an election kind of move? No I was there for a few years but I can tell you one thing, the most daunting experience of my life was moving from one end of the state to the other for a couple of reasons and when I lost my seat at the start of 2015 I didn't realize it but it ended up being the greatest thing that ever happened to me because I was a young bloke in a hurry and I needed a kick in the ass and I got it and despite doing reasonably well on primary vote I actually won on primaries, preferences meant that I lost my seat but it made me a better politician, I'm pretty confident but it definitely made me a better human being and I set up a business and things went okay, I relocated to the other end of the state but to have to start again and build your networks again, that's the most daunting thing ever because I'd been either a Member of Parliament or a Councillor, Deputy Mayor, I was on TV for many years so walking into a room in Townsville I knew every bugger and every bugger knew me, I had to start from scratch and I remember coming home at times you'd go to a Chamber of Commerce meeting or a Rotary meeting and it was tough, it was tough but I'm glad I did it and I've found a place that I really enjoy and they've given me an opportunity I hope to do good things not just for the coast but do good things for all of Queensland. Network is an interesting one particularly in the LNP, there is a reputation that the LNP have not as badly I guess as the Southern Liberals but the LNP does have a reputation of a bit of a boys club, you raised by cane farmers up there everyone knows the story of you know how the Italian community came to be in Ingham, it's very tight-knit, how did you feel coming down and now taking the reins of basically an institution where if you you know if you didn't go to the UQ and go to the right schools in Brisbane you might be seen as a bit of an outsider? I've got to change the culture of the party and I've put that on the line from day one and the fact that so overwhelmingly at the state convention there was change delivered and that change was about decentralising power and giving it back to the grassroots, that's the platform to succeed but we need as a party to reform and part of that involves policies absolutely, part of that involves candidates and I've said from day one I want to see more candidates in winnable seats that represent a more diverse and a more broad part of the Queensland community so I want to see more women, I want to see more young people, I want to see more people who are running a small business and able to take time off that to go and campaign, I want to see more people from multicultural communities, I want to see more indigenous people and I'm going to be held accountable to that and if we don't reform, if we don't reflect the broader look and feel of what people want we won't be successful and I've said from day one that I'm going to reform the LNP and when I did I had a lot of people mock me and say it won't be possible, you know you won't get change in the constitution etc but remember they said the same thing to Wayne Goss in the late 80s about the Labor Party and the Labor Party of the late 80s were about as successful as the LNP of the 20s and that's the 2020s I'm talking about now but Goss did reform it and in the UK David Cameron reformed the Tories who were just a mob of stuffy top hat wearing fat old white guys and he brought them into the 21st century and that's what I'm doing with my party and whether or not you vote left or vote right or whether or not the people in the middle, Queensland will be better for that reform to have a credible opposition. Just for people outside of Queensland I mean like a lot of people try to speak for Queensland you know on a federal level like you know when Scott Morrison I guess was returned to power it was off the back of Queensland. People wonder why at a federal level Queensland can be so liberal but at a state level at the moment it's quite Labor. Why do you think that is? I've done a heck of a lot of soul searching and the answer is a difficult one and to make it even further complicated at a council level so many of your listeners may not grasp this because it just seems so bizarre but the Brisbane City Council is a political council and it's the largest local government in the country. Its budget's the size of Tassie and it's a liberal administration and has been for 20 years so in Greater Brizzy they vote for the Liberal Party at a council level, they vote for the LNP at a federal level and they haven't voted for us and there's a range of reasons but if I had to put my finger on it I say well the the path to change it involves we've got to focus on service delivery and show people that we're not going to look and sound like traditional Tories dare I say it that it's all about the bottom line. I want to talk about service delivery where we improve not value for money but improve the service of health so when you pick up the phone an ambo is going to turn up and at the moment ambulance ramping in Queensland is at nearly 50 percent which is just absolutely abysmal. I want law and order to be back on the straight and narrow and I want to know that there's enough coppers and laws to protect them. I want to have housing opportunities for everybody including social housing by working with the with the community sector and giving giving an opportunity for people who are less fortunate to get that chance at life and when I talk about the economy I want to strip away all this nonsense about an economy with a bottom line I want it to be about an economy for purpose where a young kid can get an opportunity from nothing and rise through the ranks and achieve what they want and I just want people to aspire and aspire for more and aspiration looks like different things to different people so for someone who you know might be born into a family business it might mean taking that family business from 10 people to 20 for someone else it might be to be the first person in their household to ever own a house and that might be a one bedroom unit somewhere don't care I just want people to be able to realize their dreams and the third thing I've got to do so service delivery economy the third one is about transparency and I want us to I want people to look at us and be proud of the way we conduct ourselves no backroom deals no political shenanigans I want us to be honest I want us to be accountable I want us to share information with people I want us to focus on customer service and I think if we do that people might just give us a crack and if we govern with humility and decency and at a pace that doesn't scare the heck out of everyone and try and do everything in two minutes we might get the opportunity to shape Queensland the way that I think is benefit for all end of the state How would someone like Kendu Campbell hear about feel how would he feel about some of the things you're saying right now a lot of positivity there a lot of creativity does he make up one of those top hats on the hill does he represent the old guard or is he is he someone that you kind of I guess look up to well we made a decision at state convention to go in a direction and that was a unified direction and I've outlined all of those things about refreshing Campbell's chosen a different direction and he's joined another political party but I'm not going to shit can him and I'm not going to wish him harm and you know of course I don't want him to be politically successful it's it'll come at the expense of my side of politics but I'm not you know I'm not driven by vengeance and I'm not going to get out of bed and hope that he gets run over by a bus that's not my style and and likewise it's not my style with my real political opponents which is the labor party I'm not I'm not someone who I'd like to think I'm not a malicious bugger I play hard yeah and I'm gonna win and I'm you know camp Campbell's gone in a different direction and I've just got to make sure that my mob's ready to to win an election and more importantly govern the right way well we saw over the past couple days so we um the prime minister labeled you know people of the west Queenslanders, Territorians, people who would prefer to live inside the cave of COVID-0 than you know exit the cave and take Delta on you know head on where does the Queensland LNP kind of sit on this you know are you more or less resigned to the fact that the Delta variant's going to wash over Queensland sooner rather than later? No people people value their safety that was a message I got loud and clear during the election campaign and I'm I'm not silly enough to get spanked for the same reason we got spanked last time I can tell you people people put safety high but my gripe with the Premier has not been around her desire for safety my gripe with her is that we haven't had a unashamed push to get people vaccinated and give them light at the end of the tunnel and the constant moving of the goal post and the constant mixed messaging on vaccine at the moment we're at the back of the pack and if you look at the trajectory we're likely to be the only state that doesn't reach the target by by Christmas and that upsets me so everything I've done has been to say to people look I know that there's different voices out there but go and get vaccinated because that's our ticket back to some form of normality and the reason why we've got to get vaccinated different people will have different reasons for it one person might say it's because I want to know that the business at the end of the street is still going to be there and the people who work there have got a job someone else it might be I just want to see my grandmother I haven't seen for two years and put a kiss on her cheek I don't care what the reason is just bloody get vaccinated and all of the mixed messages from Queensland and you know I'm sorry but there has been and and that hasn't done us any favors whatsoever the Premier found every reason not to get AstraZeneca and my mates who are GPs tell me that that didn't instill any confidence at all so I've sought to say to people regardless what your views are on what level of openness we should be at what level of percentage right oh we'll have that debate down the track but in the meantime get vaccinated because all you have to do is look overseas to realize this is a pandemic of the unvaccinated in New South Wales 90 of the people who are in intensive care are unvaccinated now my goodness if ever there's a need to roll out mass vaccination hubs and get cracking it's right here and right now and I haven't given a free pass to the to the feds on this either I wanted to see vaccines roll out and more of them more quickly and I've said that and I don't you know I won't walk away from that but I also want the state to get a bit of a dose of reality in the way that they sell their messaging because it's been pretty ordinary David we look at someone like Gladys Berejiklian right she struggled with this whole mixed messaging everything it's come and a lot of it's come from above her how would you know if you were given the reins of you know of Queensland if you were the premier how would you manage underneath a government like the Morrison's government because it's clear that Gladys gets lent on a bit and quite often there's a bit of interfering from the feds and that looks like it's caused her a lot of trouble how would you would you be able to tell your idol Scott Morrison to woo up a little bit there buddy well my idols Ricky Ponting and Matt I hate it so look I've always been my own man and I always will be but where I think needs to happen is you need to be independent and stand your ground but use the relationship to get results and I'll talk about quarantine as a classic example and Wellcamp in my mind is a classic example of this if ever there was a family that could do something in a good time to a good standard it's the Wagners those those guys those yeah they own half of Toowoomba and the other half they're looking at buying soon they that those blokes those blokes are doers and they will always find a way to do things but what we've seen in the last couple of days from the state in my mind that does no one any favors whatsoever you've got to work with the federal government of the day and find a way through and every time that you you know say oh we're going to go it alone and we're going to do this all it does is undermine confidence across the board in the ability for governments to get their crap together and work together and so my view is you hold them accountable hold their feet to the fire call them out on the amount of vaccines coming through call them out on anything that you want but you've also got to say these are the conditions this is what we are each responsible for and this is how i'm going to leave her on that to get things done so there is a midway point that can be found i mean that is a great point and i'm sure if the LNP were in charge the Wagner thing would have moved a lot quicker well well camp quarantine facility but the end of the day Anastasia did go at it alone and had made it clear that she would be she had been told that it wasn't stacking up Toowoomba was a desert town that was coming from the feds it looks like this might be there might be a bit of interfering from certain radio broadcasters that didn't want that to happen as opposed to the federal liberal party but she pulled the trigger yesterday and then today the feds announced a Brisbane quarantine center almost like the state has been leading the charge you know well just in in defense of the feds the Brisbane quarantine center was announced a month ago and that was a partnership so my issue my issue with well camp is that the feds for one reason or another said it didn't stack up the community didn't want it so had i been in the role i would have found another location found another opportunity and get the feds to cough up their side of the money which is what they're doing with pinkinbar that you mentioned but we need more than one and my criticism of the government is this business of we're going to go it alone what would have been better is you use your energy to not go it alone but drag them to the table to get them to pay for what they need to do no one wins when when you pick political fights and by the way the fact that the announcement happened one day after they shut the door to Queenslanders wanting to come home with two hours notice many of whom might have been interstate burying a bloody loved one well i'll let others decide whether or not there was a game of political shenanigans but i don't like when people get treated as pawns in a game and uh and people can determine whether or not that was a set play that unfolded during the week valid point there from the kid chris of fully now we i want to talk about 10 years from now there's a big possibility 10 years from now that there is or five years from now that there is a queensland premier chris of fully at the same time there could be a new south wales premier barilaro then there could be a victorian premium melina and then and then and then we're talking at the same end there's probably a prime minister alpeniz there's um yeah i know where this is going do you remember now now you boys a bit too young for this but the illawarra steelers at one stage had skiffle lady pensionally and they were they called them the spaghetti brothers so do remember that i'm getting i'm getting a feeling here i'm getting a feeling here what you're what you're saying is rather than the conspiracy theory that um this vaccine's all about control and and and making people's minds like robots you're insinuating that wogs are trying to take over the nation aren't you all i'm saying is maybe the national cabinet would get on a bit better if that was the scenario well i'm not sure we'd get on better but the food would be a shitload better and and you'd have you'd have lasagna for lunch and cannoli for smoko and at night time you'd have some uh maybe some saltimbocca with a pasta mandala after what is that drink they they have up there in ingham they put the forex gold with the grappa is the drink you're talking about yeah so yeah there's a little cocktail yeah my nono my normal used to have grappa every morning in his coffee he said it was essential for his heart to get started well that that is an interesting point like the it's and it's almost unique i mean aside from griffith of course but it's it's a uniquely north queensley thing to have such a big population of rural kind of southern european community like ingham and uh obviously that there was it was it sugar cane obviously was the the main industry there look to be honest it's the only industry there and and that's one of the challenges it's a it's a mono economy so at the moment it's going not too bad because the price of sugar for the first time in a long time's kicked and the season is reasonable it's not the biggest crop they've had but it's reasonable and when that happens the town goes well unfortunately it lives and dies on it and it's no different to the west so at the moment you've got two-thirds of queenslands in drought and i don't think people realize that we're still the bulk of queensland is still in drought and so you can have the best cattle prices you like if you can't feed them it's it's pretty hard to make a living so no it's it was a very much i have to say boys i had a i had a pretty blessed childhood growing up there we you know fishing was great riding motorbikes was great food was always good and um a funny little anecdote i remember when i when i first moved to the coast i was talking to someone and he said can i ask did you sort of did you get a bit of cop a bit of stick being a wog at school and i looked and i said being a wog at school i said i was surrounded by guatzos and sorbellos and cristorgas it was the bloke smith who copped it i'm sure that was okay especially especially when all the all the nonnors banded together and created this thing called the north queensland cowboys that probably helped the popularity as well a little bit in them i think oh absolutely and and who did we get to chair it lance who did we get as the first captain spina we did it right we did it right north queensland in itself is a uh you know it's all it you're talking before about service delivery but you almost need to curate service to to north queensland they are a fickle people they they'll turn on uh on a slight wind they'll go radical left or uh or they'll go radical right there's a you know it's politically volatile and we've seen once upon a time there were communists elected up in north queensland how would you describe their political climate right now up in the deep north you're right it's it can be volatile but i wouldn't say they're fickle um i'd say they don't suffer fools and they don't like being fed rubbish and um you know we we had a state election campaign where the premier took to the election platform to keep people safe and strong not sure people in townsville think it's very safe and strong at the moment seeing a group of marauding teenagers ramming police cars and smashing a security guard in the face while he sits there doing paperwork and law and order i'm not going to walk away from it it's a big issue and um you know people people want a hell of a lot more than that they want a diverse economy and they want government to get to get out of their way and allow them to make a living but law and order is a very big issue but you're right politically it's always a challenging area and i look at i look at many of the current margins and they're in the federal scene and i i think despite that there'll be some there'll be some real challenges because people people always there's a there's a lot of swinging voters and i don't think that's fickle i think that's them having a red hot look at things and finally to go back to where he started that's a piece of political history that most people don't know you're right the only ever communist member elected to a parliament was a guy called fred patterson and it was up there in collinsville so allegedly and he was quite popular with the uh the cane farmers i believe he was he was a rock star and and my uh i'm told that it wasn't until he bumped his head and they say that he sort of went a little bit funny after that that that was the only reason they stopped voting for him so it's a it's an interesting bit of political history and to show you that how different things are the current state member up there is actually one of ours one of the only two north of bundaberg we have i hate to say it but it's a bloke called dale last and he's very popular in that area because he's his own cut of a man as well and it's interesting they will embrace the local champion regardless of political coloring which is why one of the things i've said to the party and part of that reform is i don't want a state election campaign that looks and sounds homogenous where you just have a group of nodding donkeys standing behind a leader just in a suit and tie they don't want that they want they want people to be their own voice and to be able to have a crack and at times that means that they'll have to tell people that i've got it wrong and i'm okay with that there's a bit of a youthful uh i guess element of queensland politics too when you really look at it i mean you're just looking at the future of the kap and that's going to be robbie and of course you've got your classmate nick dometto who up there in for the kap up there yeah in hinchinbrook and there is a there is a kind of youthful energy why uh why do you think that is whereas the rest you know the rest of the country there's still a lot of people that probably that are retirement age in any other workplace well before firstly you said dometto was my classmate he's a lot younger than me which is why his rig is like a thousand times better by the time he's my age he won't look like that anymore i'll tell you but he won't be on instagram yeah he won't be posting on instagram well actually i wouldn't mind if that stopped now actually but um well my deputy's the same age he's he's 40 as well david janetsky and you won't find a more decent or intelligent bloke in the parliament jared blay who's manager of opposition business isn't even 40 brent mikkelberg is i think he's 38 and i've got a young fella called sam o'connor is in his early 30s laura gerber in carumba is same age you're right there's generational renewal happening and i think that's important across the political divide there's some younger labor people have been elected too that does no harm now you don't want a parliament full of young people but you don't want a parliament full of old people you want a diversity of opinions and and i think people are better served when there is that diversity where people come from different backgrounds so that that's uh that org as well so just on the topic of the future um in a couple years time brisbane is going to be hosting the olympic games and right now a lot of the stimulus especially on the east coast is being paid for by the west australians do you think we'd be able to lean on the west australians to pay for the olympics too well if mcgowan competes he might but otherwise we'll get well that we'll get that could be the first olympic games where wa is there as its own country well but you know in the end do you remember those images of vladimir scoring goals in hockey and that kept him interesting let's get mcgowan over here i don't know put him in shotport or discus or something let him win and let him pay for it yes i'm happy with that in sailing and it doesn't matter what it is he's an old navy that's okay he used to drive boats in the navy but i i say i say one thing though and i know there's a view particularly in the bush about the olympics draining money away can i understand that i see the olympics genuinely as an opportunity for us to promote queen's land and get people from across the state to build infrastructure across the state i see it as an opportunity to sell a 20-year tourism vision that enables cans and the witsundays and the gold coast and long reach to promote and everywhere in between to promote their point of difference about what makes them authentic and unique and in a post-covid era clean green safe that will be our our mantra and it will give us opportunities and yes sure there's going to be a focus on brisbane for the couple of weeks of the games but if we do it the right way we can honestly get queen's land to to really hum on the back of it and that's why i haven't sought to you know whisper one thing in the bush and one thing in brisbane i've said the same thing consistently i think there's an opportunity there but it needs proper planning it needs things built at an affordable way and it needs to genuinely promote all of queen's land and if it does that we'll look back at it in the same way that we look back at expo 88 which we all went to as young country kids and it was the defining moment where brisbane went from backwater to a city we were proud of this is expo 88 on steroids it certainly i guess decreased your chances of getting robbed at knife point in southbank that expo 88 it really did change the uh the light industrial southern side of brisbane's river where are we talking about the olympics are we thinking terran we we're going to expand woolen gaba as a sporting precinct what's the plan well the gaba it needs a a facelift anyway so this is an a golden opportunity to do that but there'll be urban renewal along southbank you you need you need athletes villages you need all sorts of things but but what we really need to do is make the most of our existing venues so i mentioned about upgrading the gaba but there were some good facilities built on the on the gold coast for the com games we've got to use those we have to find opportunities to use existing facilities in the regions and that will happen as well so what coats has said is 80 percent or more of the venues will be existing venues and if we get that right that means that we can drive value for money because i want to see a lot of money spent on other infrastructure as well so roads and rail and and everything in between if we can do that i think um it'll it'll genuinely be a legacy play if we don't you end up building facilities that you probably don't need and you probably can't afford and um and no one wants to see that 80 000 seats at allen border oval and a light rail too i think that brisbane needs a light rail right up the guts right down the story bridge just turn that into two lanes each way and put a little tram down it it'll be fine rip up the bitumen just put some grass down there flowing meadows of green grass on the story bridge cane train cane train you've got it you've got your work cut out for you it seems like you know how to get on with uh both sides is there any possibility that we might see an l n k p government robbie are you listening yeah i love you mate i love you too i may look i i have to do what i have to do is make sure that my side is ready for government and that we appeal to a broad cross-section of the community and i want everyone who humanly can to vote for the lmp but what i won't do is tell everybody what a shit like robbie cater is because i won't do the disservice to your listeners are saying that i get on very well with him i like the bloke i always have but i would prefer they vote for my mob and i'll articulate the reasons why because i can unite the city and the country i can end all of the shenanigans and that's why i want them to vote for me but my style is to do that by showing why i can lead a re-energized political movement not why others are crap and you'll never hear me bag you'll never hear me sit there and bag other politicians i'll debate issues hard and when i disagree with something i won't take a backward step but i don't make it personal and i think that's the best way to do it if your plan is to honestly unite the city and the bush which you're in a position to do you've lived in both how are the uh the the the federal gnats ever going to get elected again because that seems to be a big political play by a lot of people out there now the and particularly it's it's a it's a running theme in australian media pitting the bush against the city and sometimes it's a bit populist and sometimes it actually doesn't make that much sense when there's a lot more in common that these people share then you know the the hard line kind of conservative populace would lead you to believe yeah and look uh it's a different scenario they're two different parties and i'll let the the federal gnats and the libs defend themselves i've got no interest in that but when i go around queensland and this week i drove from brissey to rocky in fact to yapoon in a day and stopped stopped in bundy and gladsden on the way so i don't mind covering miles but when i talk to people on the ground the same issues it might be they might be dealing with different things but it's the same aspirations that i spoke about before that drive people you it doesn't matter if you're speaking to the butcher in you know bark halden or the bricklayer in brisbane all they want is the following they want to know that if their kid gets crook they can get decent medical treatment they want to have a good education for their kids absolutely they want infrastructure that's fit for purpose so that might mean a new road in the city it might mean a sale yard in the bush but they want that sort of infrastructure that can service their needs to make make ends meet and above all they want government that doesn't regulate the hell out of them and if you can deliver those things i don't think it's a case of having to pit one against another i i genuinely believe that and i was you know i was in longreach with loki miller only a month or so ago and one of the old timers there said to me look we understand there are things that you have to do and and and have to achieve for brisbane we get that but if in the end of it it means a government that's not going to launch war on our ability to farm uh we'll cop that so there you have it he just wants less regulation so he's got security of land tenure to be able to buy the property next door and get on with his life that that that to me it sums it up if you if you believe in allowing the individual to aspire for more and do what they want good governments do less and get out of the way and let people get on with their life good man mr miller good local member he's oh he's okay he's from uh he's from a good part of the world i'm told yeah and another x journo too yeah it doesn't doesn't miss the opening of an envelope that's for sure yeah or a 4x gold well that's what you've got in your hands here the lmp uh you'll be able to rein him in and see how you go how many years now have you got have you got a death clock to the election when how many days uh october 24 which uh yeah i think by my county's four decades six years no it's a long way it's still three years and that's why when i go around queensland i i i don't want to say to people vote for us and all will be okay i want to try and affect change in the meantime as well and we've had some wins we've uh you know there's a business support package for small business and their staff that only happened because we gave the treasurer a bloody nose over the course of a month we've done things in the tourism space to get the government to sit up and take notice the first round of youth crime amendment even though it didn't do the main thing we wanted which was restoring breach of bail but there were still a few things that got that we put on the agenda that was because of having a crack and we'll keep doing that and in the end i hope people look at us and see that we've got our shit together and that we will be ready to to be a a government that is prepared to reform but to do it at a pace that brings them on the journey and is happy to make tough decisions but treats people with respect and that's the that's the tone that i'm going to be taking into the next election well thank you for joining us today david crucifulli congratulations on the uh on the euros as well uh we saw that little video you posted you couldn't help yourself yeah i also won the 100 meter sprint final at the olympics so i would have hoped you'd mentioned that in that half an hour but horse ah horse italia horse ah who would have thought hey who would have thought a wog winning the 100 meter sprint hey yeah yeah he looked he was pretty quick wasn't he yeah there might be he may have ingested something he wasn't supposed to but anyway in the meantime we'll celebrate our first goal in the 100 meter sprint go you could see he looks he looked like he could be one of your constituents down there on the gold coast actually with those tattoos and the gold chain yeah well thanks for joining us mate and uh we'll we'll see you around the bend good on you boys thanks very much for having me |
dropout | i_m_such_a_nerd_with_katrina_bowden | Is everything okay? You look a little uncomfortable.
Yeah, I just, you know, girls like you don't usually have guys like me, like, you know, a nerd. Hey, I am a total nerd too. Yeah, girls always say that. No, no, seriously, I love Firefly.
I play Dungeons and Dragons, and I think Holy Grail is way worse than the life of Brian! The life of Brian!
Oh my god! Dwight comes in, Tori on, Dwight comes very lovely! That's so great! That is so great! This is great! You should come over and play Halo later!
That's a joke, right? I'm sorry, I thought you had just said that you were... I thought I was a nerd, not some beer-guzzling frat guy who likes generic shooters with floaty, shitty controllers and awful vehicle combat. I'm sorry, I get kind of emotional about this.
Sometimes I'll hang out in the manga section of Barnes and Noble for hours. Oh, I love manga!
Dragon Ball Z, Spirited Away. Well, if you're watching it on TV, it's an anime, not a manga. Is that kind of all Spirited Away? There are so many better Ghibli films in that overrated garbage Oscar beat. Ghibli's like a Pokemon? At least tell me you watched them in the original Japanese. I don't really like subtitles.
This is just not going to really work out, you know, we're just too different. Like, how'd it go on this day? Who are those guys? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Okay, listen, so you're a little nerdier than I am. We're both still into pop culture and stuff. There's got to be some overlap.
Star Wars? Star Wars! Okay, the prequels.
So bad, am I right? Terrible, terrible.
Like, I remember in the second one, a little tiny Yoda with a lightsaber. It was really silly. Almost as silly as Yuuzhan Vong killing Chewbacca.
Right, right? Right, right.
That lame robot dude. Wow, for fuck's sake. The Expanded Universe, the novels, the comics. Don't those suck? That's not the point! Sure, Martha Jones isn't the best Doctor Who companion, but I was going to stop watching Doctor Who because of that. Who?
Please tell me, that's a very clever joke. Of course it was a joke. I'm joking with you.
It's like a Bond villain, right? I mean, it was just the worst thing ever. I thought he was different, you know, but he wasn't. They never are. Amy, he couldn't even name all of the current Batman. I hate him. Don't worry, as soon as these are dry, we'll go play some Warhammer. |
dropout | if_donald_trump_had_been_president_throughout_history | Mr. Gorbachev, build that wall, dead feet higher. Four score at seven years ago, our fathers brought forth a nation based on the proposition that all men are created equal, which, let's be honest, if that's true, the losers, the haters, and the wives they're with, they're dogs. Mr. President, France would like to sell you the Louisiana tachotori, it is twice the size of the United States, the price four cents per a gher. You know what Napoleon, I know real estate, I have great real estate instincts, I'm not spending four cents for your lousy property, and why don't you go put some more cologne on froggy. I have never met someone with the same size hands as mine. Those hands are huge. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, except for the Irish, I mean Ireland, they're not sitting against their best, they're bringing crime, they're bringing beer, they're rapists. Mr. President, the Russians are approaching Cuba, nukem, well we might try a blockade before we- nukem, the hell out of them, nobody will mess with us. We're going to make our country great again, we're going to build a wall between us and Spain, and Spain is going to pay for it. I build the greatest walls, and when I say I, I mean my slaves, I've got great slaves, they're fantastic.
Tonight I can report that the United States conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden. I did it, it was me, you're welcome. I'm going to say this one more time, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, my daughter. Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and now for a white breakdown, star wipe, diamond wipe, Venetian wipe, iris. |
dropout | hardly_working_sam_s_secret | Here we go. How much am I gonna have to lose? The whole leg, huh? Dan, get off that phone, you goof!
It's all-nighter time! All-nighter time? Gosh, why didn't you say so? An all-nighter? Oh god, I'll grab my hat. Hey, did someone just say all-nighter?
Sure did. Oh, well, paint my wagon.
Hey guys, call your girlfriend to tell them you won't be home for supper. It's all-nighter time! I don't have a girlfriend.
Shut up, Jeff!
Sam? Hey, you guys! What are you doing here after work?
It's the all-nighter. The all-nighter!
Yes! That's why I'm here! Really?
Because it looks like you're living in the office. Yeah, also, is that my hot plate? And that's my toothbrush right there. Oh. Just for the record, that was already brown when I took it from you. Yeah, it doesn't make you look any better.
Okay, I've hit a bit of a rough patch, so I've just been crashing here for the past few days. This paper has a review of night and day. Months, whatever it is.
Listen, the important thing is, I have a place to be. I'm closer to the Brooklyn Y, and I have my dignity. What's that smell? That is my pecan. Sam, there are bathrooms on this floor. You don't need a piss can. Yeah, I know that.
The security guard said they'd kick me out if they ever found me in the bathroom again.
Why are there two jars? Well, that one's coffee. Well, it used to be coffee.
Now it's my poop. I don't hate it. So you come right here directly after work every day? Yes, Jeff, okay. Do you have any idea how in demand this spot is? I'm not going back to sleeping in the goddamn urinals.
Wait, wait, wait. Who else would want this? Oh, come on. Seriously? You find another place to be, Van Veen.
So first we should clean up some of this trash. Don't touch my things. |
cracked | whiplash_review_ft_brian_park_slap_my_face_and_call_me_charlie_parker | Yeah, and he was like, he was going off script. That was just, that was just JK. Okay, so it says the broadcast is live. He was really messed up.
I just realized we have no way to tell if we're actually live on YouTube things. So that's pretty cool. Hey, you guys are live.
Have fun. Go crazy.
Okay, great. Wow. Who's that? The doctor's here. How was Dr. J? Oh, it was Dr. J. Okay, well, welcome to the podcast, welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies, which as you know, are like books, but better. Okay, well, let's see.
First off, we should say Jordan Breeding is currently out hunting Tauntauns, we think. So it seems like- Spread the rumor, let him know. Spread the rumor. He may pop in from time to time to defend his honor, but we won't count on it.
So I am Jesse, as you know, I'm your co-host. Joined also by- That's here sometimes. That other one you see all the time. We're also joined today, you might've noticed, by an old friend of mine, Brian Park.
Brian is formerly of College Humor, currently of the Feeling Asian podcast, and also permanently, Just a Good Pal. Wow, that's really good. Wow, what an honor. Just a good pal.
I kind of have the energy of like a best man wedding speech. Who's like, to some of you, he might be family, and to others, he might be a co-worker, but to me, he's a good pal. Everyone's like, aw. I've been calling up all of Brian's loved ones to ask them about his best qualities and also his worst qualities.
I might pepper those. Did Brian do anything really embarrassing that I could tell everybody about at his wedding? Yeah, so today we're talking about, as you may have garnered from the little tag underneath, thank you to Slack, we're talking about 2014's Whiplash. So Allie, do you wanna give us a little recap first?
Okay, in the movie Whiplash, there is a young man who is going to the Shafer College Conservatory, which is not real, so you can't apply there, even if the movie made it look so good. Even if you wanted to really badly after seeing this movie, you can't go.
You know what's so funny?
People are still like, oh, still waiting on my Hogwarts acceptance letter. Yeah, I'm waiting for my Shafer acceptance letter.
Yes, just looking to get wrecked by J.K. Simmons.
This young man who is played by Miles Teller is named Andrew Neiman, and he is a jazz drummer who very much wants to be a member of the core jazz group at this conservatory. There's like certain levels of the prestige at this conservatory and the core jazz conservatory. It's like the highest of the high. Lots of people get picked up to play at Lincoln Center and all these fancy places, it's the one to be at. The reason that it is so hard to be at and or to graduate from said program is that the head of this core jazz program is this teacher named Fletcher, who is, I mean, I'm sure we'll talk about it, an egomaniac, a perfectionist, a genius, a asshole.
I don't, you know what I mean?
There's a lot of, we can use a lot of different words here, who really puts these people through the wringer. And by that, I mean physical violence, psychological violence, pitting them against one another, just some wild stuff. And through the course of this movie, the two of them are locked in a sort of bitter rival slash I hate you slash I love you little game of cat and mouse where it's like, again, that's a spoil what happens in a movie in the June 2014. Like some of they're willing even to put their own reputations on the line in very public places just to get the one up on this person for one last time.
And it's about the pursuit of fame and perfection in a world of, in a very male-driven world. It's sort of my perspective on this movie. And there was one woman in the JV band who was just absolutely demolished for not being perfect on the first note. I mean, I think it's actually a really important part of the movie and purposeful, not like, not like, you know, a casting error, do you know what I mean?
But yeah, there you go. That's what Whiplash is about. Awesome. So Brian, why did we choose this one to talk about this week? All right, so I chose Whiplash because it is the most recent movie that I saw. So very, very, very fast to answer.
Is this the first time ever? No, no, so it was for the second time.
And I love this film because it's, you touched on this before, but I think it really dives into what are the sacrifices that we're willing to make in the pursuit of greatness. And I think this film serves as a great exploration of that, but I also wanted to talk about it because my takeaway upon a second viewing was drastically different from my first viewing. So, you know, I saw it when it first came out back in 2014 and this was back when I was much younger, had loftier ambitions, doe-eyed in the real world. And by the end of the movie, I was like, wow, like, this is great.
Feel good film, Miles Teller gets what he wants. Yeah. There's rules.
Like, and then after, you know, I saw it last week and it left me deeply depressed. And, you know, I look back, I'm like, was I just so stupid and lacked any sort of like critical thinking skills when I first saw it? Because how did I miss the mark entirely?
Did it really feel like feel good? Like, were you, did you leave the movie feeling like inspired the first time you saw it? Kind of, yes.
Like, because Neiman gets, Neiman gets what he wants in the end. Like, his entire objective from the get is I want to become one of the greatest jazz drummers. And by the end of it, amazing last minute, like crescendo of a scene where they're going back and forth and there's so much adrenaline coursing through my veins. As I'm watching, I'm like, holy shit, what's going on? And he gets everything that he asked for. Like he gets the, the most importantly, he gets the respect of J.K. Simmons' character, his, you know, crazy coach. And, you know, it probably launches his career into like becoming a legendary jazz drummer. But, you know, upon second viewing, I missed this the first go around, the scene where his dad is at the, at the final concert, looks at him through the curtain.
Yeah. I saw that as the father coming to terms with the fact that he's like lost his son to an abuser. Yes. That hit me a lot harder, slightly older. Yes. Than it did when I watched this in 2014 in a theater where I like, you see the dad being like, there is nothing I can do or say to ever bring you back from the adrenaline rush that is the acceptance you reach here. Right. Even if it kills you, there's nothing that I, there's like truly nothing to be done about it. That really, that was hard. And Neiman had already expressed intention to like die alone, friendless, and addicted to drugs in his thirties or whatever, if that's what it takes though. Right.
And yeah, I mean, upon second viewing, it bummed me out, incredibly. I think that's a very fair takeaway. It was super depressing.
Like Fletcher gets what he wants. Like he, you know, the cycle of abuse continues and it became more prescient. Like what are the compromises?
What are the cost? What's the cost of fame? What's the cost of glory?
And this like Neiman just giving up everything. Yeah. And it makes me question like, is that what it takes in, I guess in most fields, like whether you wanted to be like a CEO or an incredible artist of different mediums. Like are these the types of sacrifices that you need to make? And I think Whiplash doesn't shy away from really getting into the nitty gritty and showing the ugly side of all of that. Yeah.
There's a question. There's a scene when Neiman has like a little, like, I guess I was gonna say I have drinks. I don't even know if he's a legal drinking age. He's like a sophomore in college. Oh yeah. Do you have drinks?
Whatever, they're having a meeting after Fletcher has been fired from being the head of this conservatory program for a myriad of reasons that we will get into. But they're talking and they're seemingly talking as peers for the first time.
And they're not like, he's not like hurling abuse at him. And he's only vaguely apologetic for what he did but not because he thinks it was wrong but because he was like, people just can't take what I'm giving.
And Andrew asks the question, like, don't you think we would have more Charlie Parkers if they weren't being discouraged from continuing because they were like undergoing such monumental abuse? And Fletcher's answer is the next Charlie Parker wouldn't be discouraged.
Which to me, I saw this film in 2014, not long after I had graduated college from like a conservatory type program which was nowhere close to this. I just want to say for the record, it's still hard and there's still like a lot of psychological stuff that goes on but it's like not even, just not even close to this, like it was normal. And it was very difficult to watch because when you're like in a program like that and everybody is your competition but you're trying to make friends and you're also like a fledgling adult and you're like trying to have these like formative experiences where your closest friends and allies are also your competition. It does like get in your head, it does mess you up a little bit. And so I felt this movie was very hard to watch and it has only gotten harder to watch as I've gotten older because that question, like you were saying, when you would become less sort of like dough wide and your ambitions become a little more real and not even like smaller ambitions but just more like this is functional, this is pop, this is who I am, this is the kind of people around me.
That question I'm like, you know what? I feel like really the next Charlie Parker, so to speak is just like leaving these systems and making their own system. That sort of feels like 2022's answer to the question posed in 2014. Do you know what I mean?
There's a lot less just like, I'm just gonna have to suck it up and let somebody slap me in the face. And it's a lot of people being like, I believe I am the next Charlie Parker but it's not gonna be in this program because this program isn't gonna recognize me so I'm going to find a way to establish my own greatness in my own venue, whatever it is, as opposed to like just keeping your head down and taking the abuse.
Right. So the next Charlie Parker is already born, let's say. They didn't go to Juilliard, instead they went to a TikTok house in the Hollywood Hills somewhere. Yeah. And they're currently getting demolished by the JK Simmons of that TikTok house but they're on the verge of being like, no, actually I don't like this. I'm striking off to, I don't know what's next, probably become the star of Instagram reels. That's that next big thing. I mean, I saw a six year old kid recently on TikTok who was making beats on Logic Pro.
I saw that. Did you see that?
Yeah. I mean, talk about the next Charlie Parker, I think we've found him. Zach, it was crazy. Yeah.
Or you know what, we got to get that kid into the metaverse, like stat. We got to lock that kid in the metaverse.
But a counter, like, you know, counterpoint is, you know, you're saying that Charlie Parker would have started his own system and they wouldn't have been discouraged but one can make a case that there would just be more Fletcher's because as we live in like 2022, we know there's these stories that break out that there's like cycles of abuse that exist within these TikTok hype houses and these other smaller institutions. So perhaps like not to be incredibly nihilistic and cynical about it, but perhaps that's just human nature. Like you need to be great. Like you need to be somewhat shrewd and sociopathic. I think that like the movie does sort of make the claim that like there are just petty tyrants everywhere. Right. And that they're just like very difficult to escape.
But like I'm also sort of hesitant to call Fletcher that because like, he's like, this is maybe something, it's something I didn't remember from seeing it the first time. And it's maybe something that hit me differently this time. The revelation that the former student had committed suicide and didn't die in a car crash, but that he, there's a scene where Fletcher gets in front of his class and it's the first time he's ever shown emotion other than this day and he's crying playing a recording of one of his former trumpet students being like, I saw something in him when nobody else would take a chance on him and he went on to be amazing. And I want everyone to like remember his name and honor him because I just found out today he died in a car crash.
And it turns out that's all a lie and all of that emotion was manufactured, question mark? A point for sympathy question mark? That was something I was wondering. I would love to talk about that.
So I don't think he's like a petty tyrant. Like this guy's like full on like wee, like that brain someplace else. Do you think he actually didn't care about the kid dying or do you think it actually touched him but he was embarrassed that the kid committed suicide because he already kind of knew it was probably partially to do with his abuse?
I don't know. I don't know if there's like an answer to that. And I think it's like based on like what you think about the character. I don't know Brian, what do you think?
I saw it as him being genuinely sad. Like he believed in him but you could still be like even if he abused him and he's never gonna admit that he's accountable for the death of that student but he could still be sad that he lost a protege. And I think that was- Why did he choose to be sad publicly in front of the entire class?
Again, I'm not trying to like unwrap. I'm not trying to be like you're wrong.
Like I just mean like genuinely like that scene was something I did not remember. And so coming across at this time, I was like jaw dropped cause that's some- Next level manipulative, psychological. Or maybe it is genuine and or maybe it's a mix of it started genuine and then there was a part of him that was like, if I tell them this, they'll feel for me more or they'll start to see that. If I tell them this story, this fabricated story, they'll want to work harder cause they'll see themselves in the shoes of the beloved student who I'm still loving and crying about years later. And so I can go even harder and meaner on them in the wake of this story cause they'll have gained sympathy. Like there's so much to unpack there. Is he now like he at this point, if we assume that's all the case, then he's like an HH Holmes where he's like using like the trauma and the destruction of like his other victims to like fuel the fire for like his next victims. I don't know if he's like a manipulative mastermind to that degree, he can be a lot of like coat, like one or two in particular, but some like coaches or teachers that I've had growing up where it's like, they will push you hard, but they actually care. I think unless I was just a dumb kid and I, you know, and I, I felt for their mirage of caring, but it seemed to me like he really gave a shit, particularly because he privately and accidentally expressed emotion over the kid's death to Neiman, right?
Cause Neiman barges into his office and JK Simmons just says, not now, I swear to God. If he actually didn't care, he could have just set that aside and continued like berating Neiman.
Yeah. Right. Maybe I just really want to equate Fletcher to like mentors in my life. And I really want them all to like have actual feelings. Yeah.
I mean, like part of the reason the movie is good is that there are not such clear lines drawn in the sand. Cause like, he is obviously a monster of a human being and a full on abuser who has, it has proven driven former students to suicide, right? So like on paper, we don't got nothing going for us, but he obvious, the movie also presents this world where he gets incredible results out of these performers and they seemingly keep working with him, even in the professional world. Like even when he gets fired from working at Shafer, he is like kind of assembling like a crack team of like former alumni and like people I used to work with to like do this like jazz at Lincoln center concert and they all work with him.
Nope. Not a single one of them is like, no, you called me fat and slapped me.
And so like the movie does present that there is a magic, a power he holds over them, not cause he's a good person, not because there's something redeemable, but like there's, it's very complicated. I feel like that's common to like abusive relationships though, right? It's like, yes, I think so. Yeah.
I mean, I see a lot of parallels with even the tech industry in Silicon Valley, like namely Elizabeth Holmes and what went on with Theranos where these people are driven by a higher purpose. And in the case of Fletcher, it was like my job as a instructor is to find the next Charlie Parker and create legends. And, you know, in the wake of all that, he's incredibly abusive and manipulative, but you can argue that most tech founders are like that, like Elizabeth Holmes and the mission to, you know, revolutionize healthcare through Theranos was like incredibly manipulative, like falsified all of her test results, but the results are they, people entrust them with their money. And so I guess in the case of Fletcher, like people still trust him enough for you, you're part of the mission. Like the mission is like, you love jazz music, you're incredibly passionate. So yes, I'll play in your ensemble or you know, you're extremely talented and adept at creating legends.
So yeah, I mean, I, to go back to that, I feel, I do think he has some emotion in him. It's just, he gets the, his mission gets in the way of that where if he were to like weaponize his emotions and like cry purposely in front of the classroom, I feel like that's too, like he's thinking like forced, he's like a 4D chess at that point. And that's like incredible, like serial killer status. I guess my question is like, is he not playing 4D chess? Cause like everything he does in the movie is like pulling out a purposefully mediocre drummer just to make Neiman crazy.
Because if he can make him crazy, he can own him for life because he was getting too cocky and he saw right through him. And the minute he goes, oh, you got away with being cocky. You got away with throwing that other guy under the bus so that you could take his spot. I'm rewarding you getting one up on me.
Then he loses and he can't lose. He won't lose. So he has to waste his own time recruiting and teaching a drummer who will never be good, who he has no intention of promoting just to make this one student lose his mind.
That's like some Hannibal Lecter shit. You know, what's interesting though, here's where that's a little, I think Fletcher is a little different from Hannibal or from like, he's in a controlled environment that he gets to like start a fresh game every year. Fletcher is anyway, Hannibal or like any serial killer is like an adult trying to like outwit adults. Fletcher is, has like the same rules, like the same like competitions every year.
Like he knows the waves of like the season of like competition season. So he knows these little things to do. If he wants to get under the skin of this one drummer, he knows he has to like, faux promote some mediocre drummer or whatever. So it's like, so in that way, I guess it is highly calculated, but he's not a genius. He's just a guy who's like been around the block a million times. Yeah, yeah, I guess I don't wanna, I would not wanna ascribe to him the title of genius, title of genius, but I do think everything is a manipulation because he will not lose. He has to be king of the mountain. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. He constantly wins these competitions. Like when he says I'm not gonna start losing now or whatever, I think what he means is I'm not gonna start coming in second place. It seems like he's constantly getting first place in all these competitions and it's almost like he wants a greater, like that's already challenging enough, but he wants a greater challenge of like getting inside the brains of teens.
Yeah, I mean, like, so my favorite movie of all time that I still really wanna watch on this podcast, even though I just like, I know you're gonna hate it because it's three and a half hours long is Amadeus, which is about, it's about a lot of things, but at its heart, it's about a rivalry. And it's about a person who's letting a rivalry consume their lives while the other person sort of skips gleefully through and doesn't even know they're in a rivalry.
Do you know what I mean? Like, it's great.
Like, so very briefly summarize, it's about Mozart and he's like a genius and he's like irresponsible, shows up late, doesn't, you know, spends his money badly, blah, blah, blah, but writes the best music in the world. And his rival, Salieri, who is a grade A student, perfect, shows up on time, was a court musician who is smart enough to realize his music is not as good as, and never will be as good as Mozart's music.
And so because he cannot get the upper hand on him as a creative person, he has to start driving him insane on purpose. And it's about him like trying to take him down from the outside.
And Mozart doesn't even know they're in competition. He's just like, oh, Salieri, what's up?
Your music, it's not great, but I'm here to see your show. Do you know what I mean? It is, I am a show, the best movie ever made.
There's like part of that in this too, of just like, he is so like, I can't let this 19 year old win. You know what I'm saying? And they're just like, I'm 19, this is my first time in New York city. Like, I don't know, I don't know how many of you like- Just a seltzer for me, thanks. Exactly, I, now it's part of it that like felt sad to me this time where I was just like, oh dude, your villain is an 18 year old boy. Right, right.
I mean, but that's the whole test that he's trying to, that's the whole experiment throughout the entire film is he's trying to find like the perfect foil to his madness. And I don't think Nieman is entirely like absolved of all of this. Like he has that sort of like craziness about him where he's willing to go to the lengths. Like that scene where he breaks up with his girlfriend and just makes like all of these assumptions about her behavior.
And he's like, you're just a dead weight and you're gonna hold me back. You're gonna get really mad at me and they're gonna resent me because I need to practice.
Like, he's like the missing, he's like the perfect puzzle piece for Fletcher's like, you know, his teaching ways and his abuse. He's willing to hollow out- That's a perfect vessel for his- Yeah, he's willing to hollow out his entire brain and life to be injected with propaganda, as propaganda. Right. Yeah, because you have to imagine that there are a lot of people who want to be great, who are proud that they got into Shafer, who are all of these things, but just aren't receptive to his kind of teaching, who aren't willing to hollow out their entire lives and to become the perfect receptacle for his abuse. And just like, you know, the movie's not about those people. It's about this guy who happens to be like the perfect lump of clay.
Right, I think most students at Fletcher or if they get hit by a, get into a major car accident on the way to a concert, would probably be like, oh fuck, I'm hurt. I don't think I'm gonna make the concert.
Yeah. But it's interesting that- They love you. Yeah, but the escalation of stuff, like you gotta wonder, Brian, it's really interesting that you brought up like, yeah, in 2014, I think I agree at that time, I would have been like, yeah, this is like an inspiring tale. So when you're young and you're like, say at your most ambitious, where do you draw the line? If your teacher is giving you this one-on-one attention and slaps you in the face, are you gonna stand up and be like, okay, I quit school. Like, I don't know if you made it that far or I guess it's just a good thought experiment. If I made it that far, I'm probably staying there to the end of the slap session. And then, you know, but then it gets all the way up to you get hit by a truck. What do you do? I think maybe at that point, that's where I pulled the ripcord, but that's what separates the men from the boys. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I found it really, so upon first viewing, I found it like an inspirational film because I saw so much of myself in Neiman, where like, I'd be willing to tolerate all of that abuse because I would just internalize it and be like, well, I can handle it. For the people who can handle it, then you never were, Dustin, to be great in the first place. Yeah. This honestly is like, it's something that I thought about when I first saw it and I've honestly only been thinking about it more since then and like kind of crystallized on this second watch. Yeah.
When this movie came out, it was the same year as the wrestler, I think. And a lot of people who aired this movie in the wrestler.
I think that this movie and Black Swan are like sister films. I think this movie is about the ways in which people who are socialized as men learn to accept abuse and what is like love, do you know what I mean? And greatness and blah, blah, blah. And I think Black Swan is the socialized female version of that because like, and again, I think this is on purpose.
When you look around the room at the people who are in Fletcher's jazz band, there are no women. And I don't think that that's because Damien Chazelle was like, oh shit, I forgot to cast a woman.
Like, I think this is obviously, I really think this is on purpose. And it's because that kind of abuse, that kind of psychological thing, that's sort of like, if I slap you in the face because I know you can take it, isn't that, can't you take it?
That don't work on ladies. Not like, do you know what I'm saying? Like the traditionally socialized woman. You're like, no, absolutely not, do you know what I mean?
And like, if they were in the band, I don't know, it would be interesting to like know what that like story is, but like, I think there's a reason they're not there.
Ditto to like the kind of like psychological abuse that's going on in Black Swan is like so different because again, it's all about the threat of competition and the threat of becoming obsolete. That is like what Black Swan is about entirely. It's also about like the strife or perfection and all the things that also whiplash is about. They're like about the same thing.
But in that movie, it's not like he's like, oh, I'm gonna go purposely find another ballerina who's not as good just to make Natalie Portman crazy so that I can lock her in a room and slap her in her face and scream at her so she can practice for five hours. All he has to do is go, yeah, I was fine. And she goes, and then she goes crazy. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that would never, like it's different. Like that's not the abuse that's happening in whiplash. In whiplash, it's like, I have to show you your replacement. I have to calculate that he is less good than you so that you will make your own self crazy to make yourself better, to come please me, king shit of the mountain over here. And if you ever give me lip or give me a hard time, I will like hit you until you fall back in line. And like in Black Swan, it's just him being like, yeah, no, you did good today.
You've done better, huh? You've done better.
No, but it was fine. And, you know, just stay good. Cause, you know, Mila Kunis is also here and she's doing a pretty good job. But you're totally fine. And that's enough for like that all to just sink in and to be like, I can't become obsolete. I can't become worse.
I can't be the person who's, it's just different. I don't know.
But I like, I think these movies like would bake an incredible and very stressful double feature. Just a horrible three hours. Yeah, just like a really miserable, miserable three hours of your time. Just come out shaking. That's how we should, that's how we should organize the podcast is by emotion. So yeah, three, three and a half hours of just a complete anxiety and then talk about it.
Yeah, I just, it's really interesting. Like, again, like I think this movie is amazing and I really appreciate it as a glimpse into a room that I wouldn't be part of. Does that make sense? Like, I don't think like all movies have to be like intensely relatable to your experience. Like, this is like an amazing movie that I'm like, wow, men, okay, interesting. And I really like appreciate that and think it was like very honest and very like brave in some ways for him to like made this movie and been like, this is what it's like, like this is what you can get away with. So I like, I appreciate like the window. I'm like very interested in like peeking in and sort of being like, okay, wow.
Absolutely, I mean, that's another, sorry, sorry. No, please go, please, please. I'm going to cut you off. You did good.
Oh, no, I was going to say like, that is another reason why I love this film so much is I'm not, I wouldn't consider myself a jazz head. Like, I've, I, right, I'll casually go, I've been to shows before, like it's, it's fine. But for a world that is so far removed from like a world that I exist in, I was incredibly invested and engrossed in the Shafer Academy and it's rise to the ranks. And I think that's a mark of great storytelling where you can take something so esoteric like jazz and you can just take like the, just someone who has no exposure to it, I can guarantee they're going to be invested in this film because emotional stakes are just so high in it. Yeah, and also I think you either can like see a part of yourself in the character and you're like scared and disgusted by that.
And like, what does that mean about me? Or you can't at all. And you're like, whoa, what a world that I'm not a part of. And I think both are like really valuable as like filmmaking responses and tools. Do you know what I mean?
Right. Yeah.
But yeah, it's like, it's so interesting to me that like in that, in that part of the film where there are three potential drummers and he dismisses the rest of the band, everybody else can go chill. And he has them trying to do this like insane double time swing thing. And they're all essentially there for five hours. It's so interesting to me that those three guys develop no bond. They only hate each other more at the end.
And that feels very male. Do you know what I mean? And I like appreciate that as like, I'm like, wow, I feel like I'm learning something. Or I feel like Damien Chazelle has like admitted something about himself in me watching this. And I like really appreciate that like window. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, like comparing it to Black Swan opened my eyes to that because like now I'm thinking when I watched Black Swan, again, also I was engrossed in it despite knowing nothing about dance.
But I think they also had like a little like through line of superiority where I'd be like, oh, couldn't be me. I would simply pick up a new hobby if I were in that position.
But then watching this movie, I'm like, yeah man, if I'm making it to that five hour practice, I'm gonna sit there and hate the shit out of my teammates. They're teammates. Well, because you have to because like they're not your teammates. They are merely your competition. And one of you will emerge victorious and the other two will be dog shit. So why would you ever learn to align with these other guys around you when they cannot service you? They will only hold you back.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's a scarcity mindset. I think when there isn't just a singular winner, it forms a bond or a camaraderie cause I imagine like fraternities or being in the Navy seals, you're subjected to this type of like hazing. But in the end, like you're all in the same boat. And so it forms a stronger bond, but I guess in this case, because there's one clear winner, it only just divide you even further.
Yeah, I don't know. I just like, I find it very interesting. And now I like kind of want to watch Black Swan again, but also like, I don't know if I can handle that.
Right. But that is a great point.
Like, cause Neiman, even in the movie, like he doesn't have, it looks like he doesn't even have any friends at the Academy. Whereas like when he's in that second tier class, there's some camaraderie between the other drummers and jazz players. And they're kind of ragging on each other before the class starts. But there's no friends there. Yeah, I think Neiman is just an odd duck, even in the environment of the institution. What about though, when you see the other musicians taking a break because they were dismissed, because they were like, I'm not going to move on until my fucking drummers can drum and they all go take a break.
And like, they're not even hanging. They're all just kind of like sitting, doing their own thing for five hours. Like all the shots of them are just like guys like read the magazine, looking on their phone, like no one's hanging.
And whenever you hear their like cross talk or their like background talk, it's always talking shit about other people. Like they talk shit about like the trombonist that just got kicked out. They say, I don't know, just very quietly somebody says, well, maybe if you spent more time on the trombone. So yeah, it's like they are socialized. They're probably sort of pre, you know, whatever pre-disposed to be competitive kind of shit heads. But definitely Fletcher feeds into that by giving them, he's giving everybody else in the room insult specific to you. So if you have five hours of downtime, you can sit around and just let that echo chamber just like pop off.
Yeah, it's like we just talked about all that jazz and we talked about like the mythos of the tragic genius male who can get away with like being a piece of shit and even being self-aware about being a piece of shit, but he's a genius. And so like, it's like, you know, like, oh, well. And again, like, I'm not saying this to be like, you can't engage with that art cause it is literally one of my favorite movies of all time. I am the person who brought it to the table. I love all that jazz, but like, you know, no one's ever talking about Gwen Verdon about being like, God, what a piece of shit she was. Genius, what a bitch.
Like, do you know what I mean? Like that doesn't like really exist as like an archetype. Like there's a lot of other things you can say. And also a lot of very bad women, but like there's not really that same like thing of like, oh yeah, we put up with him being just a real ass because the work was incredible. Like it just like doesn't really translate. There's no like one-to-one comparison there, I feel.
Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so.
That's a great point though.
It's usually like, God, she was so miserable, so depressed. Like we sort of glorify that, I guess, I don't know. She suffered for her art.
We thank her for it. Thank you, Sylvia Plath. Thank you.
Yeah, also, we just watched a movie called All That Jazz, which is one of my very favorites of all time that was directed by Bob Fosse about what a piece of shit he was. Oh, right. Literally like basically soft autobiographical.
It's really amazing, highly recommended. It's really neat, yeah. It's really good.
And it's also very meta. Yeah, it's similar themes. I mean, this is exactly what Ali was just saying now, but it's very similar themes to this, but it's also very meta.
And but also funnier, besides really good insults, there wasn't really a lot of comedy in this one. Oh, yeah, you didn't laugh. Oh, I laughed at the insults.
All right, is it too traumatic? I'm very curious, but I don't know if it's traumatic to talk about. Do you guys have any experiences like this?
Like, Ali, I'd love to hear your time in school. You said you were in a pretty competitive, but not quite Fletcher-esque program. I'm not one that abuse was rampant in, but like I went to a very competitive, conservatory style theater program where I was one of 20 people in my whole class. That's like, that was it. And so like, it's just a weird place to learn and grow up and to become an adult when your classmates are the people who understand what you're going through the best and are there for you in your horrible moments and are your roommate who takes you to EMS when your appendix bursts and blah, blah, blah. But then also two days later, you're in the room getting notes being like, hmm, let's have Samantha do that instead of Ali.
And you're like, no, do you know what I mean? Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like, it really does mess with your head when these people are like your best friend's closest allies and the people who understand what you're going through in a way that that scene where when he's talking to his potential new girlfriend and she's like, I go to Fordham. And he's like, okay, for what?
And she's like, I don't have a major yet. I don't really know what I want to do. And he's like, you don't know what you want to do.
And she's like, yeah, well, why do you go to Shafer? And he's like, because it's the best music program in the country.
I saw myself in that moment. I was like, ooh, yikes. And so it's like, you're with these people who get that as well as just as much as you do with as much passion as you do, with as much drive as you do, which is as love as you do. And then also you're in class and one of them is doing better than you, and you want to absolutely implode, but you like also have to be like, but we live together. And it's just a very strange, it's just a strange place to be 19 years old at. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's just hard. That's so funny. Allie, you are extremely supportive. Now I'm wondering if that's just you being a good actor. Yeah, 100%. That pressure cooker teaches you somehow to be supportive of your peers, no matter what, like kind of it seems like you have to develop like a bigger picture thing. Like my peers success is not my failure. You really do have to learn that. And like, you can say it a million times, but until you like learn it, learn it, you like don't believe it and you just like say it. Like, and it's kind of messed up how much you're just like, and you're so happy for her. But like quite genuinely, like one of the reasons why I started getting into doing like improv and comedy is that like, it felt a lot more egalitarian in the like success of the show, whatever. Do you know what I mean? And like, I was deep, deep, deep into like the auditioning in New York and, you know, managing like my agent and that feedback and da, da, da, da. And like, I started taking classes at UCB because I was like, I would really like for the success or failure of this not to hinge on me alone. And that like my like perception of it is sort of like, oh, there was only one role and I didn't get it. And so failure, like I like really liked the group ownership aspect of it. And that's like what kept me in it for as long as I've been doing it, like honestly. But yeah, I don't know. Acting is weird too, cause it's all like. I mean, I totally get you, man.
I went to drama camp for two years when I was a kid. So it was like very similar. What was that thing you used to do called like Odyssey of, Odyssey of the Olympians? Odyssey of the Mind. Brian, are you familiar with, with OM Odyssey of the Mind? Was there a clip last time that you mentioned that? Like sort of, I mean, here's the thing. I tried, so Odyssey of the Mind is this like, I think some of the commenters know about this, but it was this team thing.
It's like a team of like seven or eight kids. You start out as a young as like first grade in kindergarten, I think, but you prepare for this competition at the end of the year. And the competition is a combination of improv, basically. There's like an improv game and a sketch that you spend months like creating. And they have all these like weird arcane rules and that's where a lot of the fun comes from. But yeah, it does get very competitive. They're like world, you know, gets all the way up to world competitions and all that.
Oh, Miss Universe.
I, yeah, well, so I applied every year starting in first grade and I didn't make it until like seventh grade, I think, like I should have just hung up my damn hat, but I guess I could go one of two ways. Maybe it was very competitive or maybe I was very bad. I don't know, I think it's probably competitive.
Couldn't take a hint. I do like the idea that like people were like sabotaging other people's like Odyssey of the Mind thing backstage because it was like a whiplash type thing. Yeah. I was like, I can't go, I can't go into my folder. And they're like, hmm, I guess the janitor took it. I guess your mind's not going on any Odysseys tonight. Yeah.
So Brian, are you, do you have any whiplash like experiences? Like, I don't know if you, like, you know, were you an athlete growing up? Were you a jazz artist? I have a lot of experiences that I can map out onto whiplash.
I mean, for one, it started at home. Like my parents were all about negative reinforcement. So I didn't receive a lot of praise and I don't hold it against them. I'm like, obviously it was really hard growing up like in a household like that, but. Allie and I think you're doing great. Yeah. No, but I think it just, but for them, it just comes from a place of love. And that's how they were treated from their parents.
So it's just a cycle, so on and so forth. But yeah, I grew up playing tennis and it's a very solitary sport and it's just you against another person. It's inherently very competitive. And when you lose, you have no one else to blame but yourself. And I've always gravitated. For that reason, I think I like sports or, I did stand up for many years in New York and I think there's a lot of similarities with tennis and stand up where it's just you. And there's a very little team work involved with it.
And when I moved to New York and I was like in the trenches of the stand up scene, it was very much like Shafer Institute. It was almost like a badge of honor that everyone wore in just how much you've sacrificed for the quote unquote art form. So everyone would brag about how many open mics that you do or like how late did you stay out? And if someone did fewer than you, it'd be like, oh, well, I guess you don't really want it that much. That kind of, there was that undertone to it and it's incredibly toxic and there's an inherent scarcity mindset to stand up comedy itself where, yeah, I'm willing to pay money to do a show.
Any person who's taken an intro to economics course in college would be like, no, this is a terrible return on your investment. Don't do that. But you're just like, no, lied.
And all you care is about the prospect of fame and being able to do stand up for a larger audience. So in that phase of my life, like I think I had just moved to New York when I saw Whiplash. And so that's why I was like, wow, this is what it takes. Like I'm willing to sacrifice it all. I don't care if every other aspect of my life is falling apart. I just want to be really, really good at stand up comedy. And like everyone before me had to make these sacrifices because it's almost, it's glorified in this institution. There's so many comedy podcasts you hear where standups are like, yeah, I was homeless and I was pooping in a Home Depot big gallon container. But that's what it takes, man.
And yeah, I mean, there's a lot of similarities, a lot of similarities for sure. Sure. Yeah, so I think what I'm grappling with myself is like, wasn't some of that worth it though? Like you did sacrifice a lot and you kind of strung yourself out for a while. But you, at least from my perspective, Brian, you seem to have a lot to show for it, right? Like you've got like successful podcasts. You've got like, you're part of a community of comedians and performers and all that kind of stuff. And like, you're making it work. And I wonder if you'd been easier on yourself when you first got to New York, would you have like given up and like, again, like picked up a new hobby. You know what I mean? I feel, yeah, I think, here's the thing. When you are so ambitious to the point that Neiman is, I think it's insatiable. So even if you get the thing, like I have gotten things in my comedy career, but in that moment I look back on myself, I look back on how I reacted or how it felt in that moment. And I never really was happy or like relished it because you get the thing and then you're like, okay, what's next?
What's next?
And, you know, I'm older now. And I feel that, I feel for Neiman, you know, cause he is going to become a great jazz drummer, but like his goal is a legacy. And I don't think you are truly happy when you're living in those moments because I think most people come to these realizations at different points in their life, but it is like, to reference another film, like Into the Wild where, oh damn, I have to live by myself and eat a poisonous root to realize like, damn, happiness comes from like sharing these experiences with others. But it's true. Like I wish I was kinder to myself in the throes of all of that, but it's hard to say if, I don't know. I think I was just raised with a lot of like criticism and negative reinforcement. And that was like my fuel and my ambition. And that's why I love this film and I can see a lot of myself in Neiman, but it's, I don't know, you know?
If he had a teacher like Fletcher, who was like super nice and be like, great job, bud. Like next time, like all you need to do is this really, like it's great seeing you in the practice room.
Yeah.
Like in theory, you think he should like be great and obtain that greatness, but we won't know cause that's not the movie that was made. Yeah, it's really interesting. Cause like, I think about that question a lot of just like, what is the line between like, it is you need to encounter friction in some way or another to get better. And if something is frictionless, you cannot improve, you will never get, you will never like get past that thing. And whether it's like, you know, just like developing some calluses on your fingers in order to play the guitar better or like literally like having a teacher who's like, I'm not buying what you're selling. You're going to have to work a little harder for me to buy it.
And you being like, what everybody else loves me. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just think it's like, it's just kind of a good thing in general.
And then there is at some point a line and that line is like different for a lot of people and different in a lot of circumstances and different what I, you know what I mean? Like, I think it's different in like who the audience is. I think it's different in who the age is. And I think it's different in like, I don't know, there's a lot of questions, but like now I teach kids and like, right. Yeah, what kind of teacher are you?
Oh, I don't know. Were you inspired by this movie, Allie?
I mean, I say a lot of this stuff. I should throw more symbols. Let's just throw more symbols at my kid.
So I teach three very different age groups. I have third to fifth graders who I direct in one thing. I have sixth to eighth graders who I direct in another thing. And then I teach teens who are like applying to colleges. So I get occasionally like juniors and then like mostly I'm working with like kids and like their summer of their junior year going into like their senior year. So they're like 17, 18 years old. And you are very different with those age groups as you would be in for anything, math to it or anything or whatever. But like I'm specifically like working with them like in an arts way. And really with the littlest kids, it has been a good sort of ego reminder that like I really need to check my shit at the door big time because they are too young, too impressionable and just falling in love right now with like what the arts are. And you have to find a way to like ask for them to be better or practice harder without like bringing my own baggage from my four years of college acting to these unsuspecting fourth graders.
Do you know what I mean? I can't like take out my lingering frustration on that one teacher who thought I was lazy when I didn't think I was lazy on this kid who I think is lazy. Do you know what I mean?
Like, because it just perpetuates this like horrible cycle of just like, it's just not a good cycle.
Like, and there comes an age where I can talk to my teens and be like, I can tell you didn't do homework on this this week. I can tell you didn't take my notes. I'm saying that I'm gonna say that without judgment. I'm just gonna tell you that I'm telling you the truth. I know that you didn't work on it. So we don't have to pretend we did.
Cool, let's drop, let's like drop the facade. What do we wanna do with our remaining 40 minutes today? Do you know what I mean? Whoo!
Which is like not an easy- That's a flashback to Fletcher right now. Wow. Yeah, that was pure evil coming through my screen.
But like, I don't know. There's just different age groups can handle different things. I cannot say that to a fourth grader. Yeah, of course.
I can't. I just can't.
They'll have, I don't know. It'll somehow manifest in her having body issues when she's 21. And it'll be all my fault.
I don't know how, but I just know it's true. Like, I just can feel it.
And like, I can still remember. All of my friends can remember like the shitty things that acting teachers said to them when they were in school that like they didn't think were fair or they got under their skin or felt like a weirdly personal note that wasn't about the scene, but was about them. Like every single person can remember all of them. And I just like, my real goal is to make sure those third to fifth graders don't remember any of those things.
Nobody's gonna be 21 and being like that bitch teacher once told me blah, blah, blah, blah, and now I hate my hips. Like I like, I can't be, I won't, I will not be that person. That's Ali's number one rule. It's written on the chalkboard. It says, don't talk about hips.
Just like, just like, just let these girls grow up normal. We'll just let them grow up normal.
Well, Ali, you either pass or failed the test, but either way you're officially not a narcissistic psychopath, so. Well, you don't know that. I'm gonna destroy you systematically and I have been for the last 20 years.
I can't stop thinking about my hips. No, but it's a great point. There is a line, I think.
Like obviously with the Cates of Fletcher, like he's too far on the other side and just straight up abusive, but I don't think there's anything wrong with being tough but fair because on the other side of things, I think recently, like it just came up on my Twitter timeline where there was a New York Times film critic who wrote this review about Bodies, Bodies, Bodies and it was like a 24-year-old woman who like, she got a lot of heat for it because like the actor, Amanda Stenberg in Bodies, Bodies, Bodies was like, oh, you're commenting on my cleavage and then they got into like an online spat and in response, like the film critic was like, well, you know, that's my job as a critic, but also like I deserve to be here because I'm just good, I'm great at my job and like I deserve this and. Oh yeah, and then wasn't it unraveled that like she didn't deserve it? It was unraveled that her dad is also like an editor of the New York Times.
Yeah, a lot of people who start with something, a sentence with I deserve this, generally are hiding a little something. Well, like when I see like people who have that amount of self-belief and confidence where they truly believe like, yes, like I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I'm a nepotism hire and I am like deserving of this. I'm like, okay, maybe like a little bit of like tough criticism would have done you well because you are a complete lacking of any self-awareness. Yeah, it is sometimes sad when you see a person who has somehow managed to get to a certain point in life without being checked ever.
Right. What is, who are your friends? Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I wonder like who they like, who they like trust to do creative stuff with or like. Probably just yes people. Yeah, let's say like, do they even have that? Like can they have that or was like, is your ego too fragile at that point?
It was interesting that Neiman says outright, he doesn't have any friends. It was actually really funny the way he was like, his uncle or whatever is like, so do you have friends? And instead of being, yeah, right. Instead of being like, oh yeah, you know, like there's these guys that I hang out with or there are like, I surround myself with the yes man or whatever. He's just like, no, I don't because I'm always practicing. You know, like you're gonna be at that level. No friends, you can pretend like you have friends but you either have a posse of yes men or you just have classmates who hate you as much as you hate them.
Yeah. Okay, so we got just a few minutes left. Let's jump into alternate titles. All right. From the unwashed masses, we've been washing up a little bit. Very nice. Well, good for them.
Coyote, thank you for the donation. And also you didn't even have to donate because it's already all-star title, Jumanji Origins.
I don't get it, am I stupid? No, I actually don't get it either.
Coyote, Coyote, oh, you said something. Okay, well, you said I made sure not to wash for you. Thank you, appreciate that. But defend yourself while we go on to other titles.
Is that the name of the Jumanji movie that they made that was like the recent remake, maybe? That had like Jack Black? Is that what it's called? Maybe it's a suggestion of a movie to watch in the future. Oh, maybe that's it, okay.
Or maybe we all just don't get their amazing joke. Oh, he says just stupid joke. But we don't understand the joke. Jokes are best when they're explained.
Somebody says, I didn't get the name but somebody says Jordan Rules with a Z. Good title, really good title. Let's see, Sunk Cost Fallacy. I think that was Jose Baron said that.
It's a lot about, that's actually pretty accurate to what it's like to be a person in the arts. Absolutely. Well, I'm 30, so I guess I'm doing this forever now. I mean, yeah, that absolutely explains the emotion behind like, all right, well, I'm already here and I already got slapped once. So as long as it's slapped a few more times and then hit by a truck, let's see. Senior year, the labyrinthian maze to be number one. I like that.
Somebody also said, I think it was Jacob, Jacob Barham. Sorry, I can't read my own writing. But somebody had said that Fletcher, when he was expressing emotion at the death of his old student, was expressing frustration at the futility of his efforts, which I think is a really good point because he later says to Neiman, never got my Charlie Parker. And you can tell that's the one thing this dude wants. He wants to be the guy that invented the next Charlie Parker. And he seemed like he was close with this one kid, but he'd pushed it too far and like killed him.
Yeah. Right. So I think that makes a lot of sense to me. That makes a lot of sense to me too. There's earnest emotion, but it's up for interpretation. Like, fine, let the kids think it's love or whatever you need to come to class the next day. When in reality, it's just like a shattered dream. Right.
At the jazz studio. At band practice.
Okay, crossing that one off. Yeah, all right. Well, I guess I'm not saying that one.
Oh, I guess I don't have any. Awesome. Allie, what do you got? You got any? I mean, I only had, I really only had one, which is the one that I gave to this, to this stream, which was slap my face and call me Charlie Parker.
But of course, there's also dick rash. Dick rash. Does he say, does he say dick rash? Nope. Oh, he doesn't say dick rash. Just sounds like we're blush. He does have rashes.
Also, I don't know if you guys were keeping an eye on the, on the comments. There was a lively chatter about rashes earlier. Was it about the movie? Were there rashes in the movie? I don't think so. Just a viewer has a rash and seeking medical consultation in the comments.
Have you thought about just dunking your hand into a thing of ice water? Yeah, if you've got a dick rash, just bucket, bucket of ice. Sorry. Well, it seems to me like this movie is saying that a bucket of ice is called.
It'll be a great shot though. That is a great shot.
I really think that the direction in this movie is fantastic. It's so engaging and the tension is like racketed up at all the right moments. And it also makes at certain point, like jazz look and like the pursuit of art, like look incredible and beautiful and really polished and at other points it looks like really ugly and kind of disgusting and sweaty. And like, I just like, I really appreciate it.
And it's also crazy to me that this is the same person who made La La Land because I think that movie is so bad. And I like don't understand how it's the same director like in any way, shape or form, but whiplash, wow. Top marks. He said he was like having trouble getting La La Land off the ground.
And that's when he was just like so mad. He just poured all his rage into this.
It was a short film. Yeah, yeah. He could have just jumped into an ice bucket but it said he wrote a film. Shoot, what was I gonna say? Okay, well, whatever. You got another alt title from Joe average. My ego is worth your future. I mean, that might as well have been a line in the movie. Yeah. Speaking of lines in the movie, got a couple of good ones. Limp Dick Sour Note Dipshits. Yeah. Yes. Alt title. Turn my pages, bitch.
Okay, and then my last one is Chekhov's symbol. Cause like pretty close to the beginning when you were first getting to know Fletcher, he tells a story about how what's his name through a symbol at what's his name. And you just know that's what's coming. Soon after he throws a chair, but you can tell he's not finished with him until the very end of the movie. It's like that last like manipulation where he gets into, you know, that's played drums to a song he's never played before or whatever. That was like the symbol and it fucking worked. That's what I was gonna say too. The last few minutes of the film just crescendoed just so incredibly well from the drumming itself was nuts. The like J.K. Simmons just like neck veins. We're just getting so much more and more intense. That's what he won the Academy Award for.
They don't tell you that, but that's what they ask for. That neck vein is beyond methods. They don't teach you that at any school. They can't teach you that. You got your problem with it or you're not.
Yeah, yeah. I do think that there is, there's one moment in that last power play exchange sequence where because he's been playing the drums so violently, it is one of the like, I don't know if it's like the kick drum or something like that, it starts to get wobbly and Fletcher comes over and re-screws it and adjusts it in a very tender way. It's probably the most careful, loving administration in the whole movie. He's never, he doesn't say anything nice or do anything nice, but in that moment, there's such a strange tenderness in that. But you know what? Yeah. But he's doing it for himself. At this point, Neiman is just a vessel for Fletcher's dream or whatever. And he sees, it almost felt like a rocket ship taking off and getting wobbly and shit. And Fletcher's going over and making sure all the screws are turned tight so it doesn't explode before it gets to outer space. You know what I mean? Yeah, but there's like love in it. Whether it's self-love and it's totally egotistical, it remains to be seen. But it's one of the only times in the movie you ever see him take care of to do something, to make sure something gets successful. I don't know, it's like kind of skin crawly, but like good, it's interesting. And you know, it's like red meat for like the whatever, 20 something Brian's and Jesse's that are like, oh, this is like, this is something to aspire to. It's like, if you push yourself past the brink, you will finally get the love and respect of your mentor or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah, but they're both. Yeah, that's, but I like, when I first saw it, I interpreted it as Fletcher caring for Neiman, but it's fairly egotistical. Like he's just found the vessel and wants to make sure that the spaceship doesn't break on his way to, you know, cementing his legacy. Yeah, right, right. Like it's to serve himself, because if that kick drum breaks open, then it fucks up his career and directly fucks himself up. Yeah.
It's crazy. It is such a powerful, yeah, I mean, the whole movie is great. It's really cool, but it was really hard for me to imagine.
You've already showed me all these, all this great musicianship. You've shown me a guy get hit by a truck. Like, how are you gonna like up my investment in this movie? And I do it insanely well the last few minutes. Oh yeah. All right, well, any last thoughts or I'm gonna pull the plug on this one.
I was reading some IMDB reviews, but I sometimes liked one to see like, what the common man is saying. And actually something that I really liked was that there was a comment from somebody who was a musician. This is not like a famous film reviewer. This is just like a comment that was left on it.
And their comment was, I loved Whiplash and went to school for music, including playing in big bands. There are similarities to the pressure of performance and it is a grandiose way to think back on that time. But the movie is more about the central tension between mentor and teacher. But then they were like, from an art perspective, my biggest gripe is that it boils down drumming to playing the fastest, which isn't art, but more so technique. It praises Andrew's ability to play fast, but not as artistry. Still, I think that was a conscious choice by the writer, as non-musicians may have a hard time relating to the esoteric nature of great set playing.
Fast is good, dot, dot, dot, unfortunately. So that was a very valuable little piece of insight. Yeah, that makes sense. I think they also probably did that because like me, who hasn't been in a jazz band since fourth grade, wouldn't be able to tell. I know when something's fast, I don't know when something's good. Right, and I like that they sort of like criticized it, but then we're like, well, what are you gonna do? People think fast is good.
Like, I just like, I thought that comment was so astute and fair. I just like copied it and was like, hmm, I love that. But yeah, you know, it's like when you see a movie about like the weird esoteric thing that you do and you're just like, ugh, fuetes aren't even the hardest thing to do in ballet. Like, and everyone's like, they look good to me. Like.
Guys, let's get together and we'll write the whiplash of podcasting. How about that? Ooh, yeah, I like that. I gotta find a podcast mentor. I guess that's Jordan.
Doctor, withhold your love and admiration for me, please. Further withhold it.
It's just people like really violently arguing about a pattern game, Herald opening and just like getting backstage, just be like, you're never gonna be good at A to C. Give up on it. Dink to B. Stupid.
Brian, any last thoughts? Last thoughts.
You know, I read about, I dove into Damien Chazelle's Wikipedia after I saw it and I didn't know this, but he wasn't the band Chester French back at Harvard. I don't know if you listened to it, but. No, are they jazz specifically? No, no, it's very much like early 2000s indie pop. So if you're tuning in, head over to Spotify, listen to some Chester French, she loves everybody. No, but I think he didn't like, he got caught from the band or like he knew that he wouldn't be good enough like to have a professional career as a drummer.
So that's like, I think he used that to as a string board for whiplash. That's right. Good thing he was a really good director, huh? Yeah.
Jordan, what are your last thoughts? What are you, what career are you gonna jettison to become a master? I think I'm the only one that can, I'm the only one that can end the stream, right? Is that true?
Yeah, well, the three of us can't. So we were really hoping either you or Slack would come save the day.
Yeah, so I just logged. I'm just here to make, just to end it. I'm just. Oh, you came to kill us, huh? The people have been demanding it. No, I'm just kidding. But that is literally the only reason I logged in.
I like whiplash. Thumbs up. All right. Oh yeah, all right.
Brian, where can we find you on the internet? You guys can find me on socials at it's Brian Park.
Hell yeah. And say the name of your very great podcast. Feeling Asian podcast. Yes, there's a really good episode with Jenny Aramoto, who is one of our guests and Dylan Adler. And it's very funny. I've listened to that episode. It was wonderful. Woo. Hell yeah.
Go check it out. Ellie, where can we find you? You can find me at Miss Alice Nutting, basically anywhere that you do that.
And I won't be here next week because I am getting married. So don't bother me. I'm not gonna pop in like Jordan did. Certainly not. I will be long gone.
Oh, that would be so rad if you did though. All right, great. Well, it'll be a game time decision. Allie might pop in from her wedding. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. Cool. Find me on Twitter at Iceman, E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. Yeah. All right.
Jordan, end it. I'll end it.
It's crazy. It is such a powerful, yeah, the ending is just, I mean, the whole movie is great. It's really cool, but it was really hard for me to imagine.
You've already showed me all this great musicianship. You showed me a guy get hit by a truck. Like, how are you gonna like up my investment in this movie? And I do it insanely well the last few minutes.
Oh, yeah. All right, well, any last thoughts? Or I'm gonna pull the plug on this one.
I was reading some IMDB reviews, but I sometimes like to see what the common man is saying. And actually something that I really liked was that there was a comment from somebody who was a musician. This is not like a famous film reviewer. This is just like a comment that was left on it.
And their comment was, I loved Whiplash and went to school for music, including playing in big bands. There are similarities to the pressure of performance and it is a grandiose way to think back on that time. But the movie is more about the central tension between mentor and teacher. But then they were like, from an art perspective, my biggest gripe is that it boils down drumming to playing the fastest, which isn't art, but more so technique. It praises Andrew's ability to play fast, but on his artistry. Still, I think that was a conscious choice by the writer as non-musicians may have a hard time relating to the esoteric nature of great set playing.
Fast is good, dot, dot, dot, unfortunately. So that was a very valuable little piece of insight. Yeah, that makes sense. I think they also probably did that because like me, who hasn't been in a jazz band since fourth grade, wouldn't be able to tell. I know when something's fast, I don't know when something's good. Right, and I like that they sort of like criticized it, but then we're like, well, what are you gonna do? People think fast is good.
Like, I just like, that comment was so astute and fair. I just like copied it and was like, hmm, I love that. But yeah, you know, it's like when you see a movie about like the weird esoteric thing that you do, and you're just like, ugh, fuetes aren't even the hardest thing to do in ballet. Like, and everyone's like, they look good to me.
Like. Guys, let's get together and we'll write the whiplash of podcasting. How about that? Ooh, yeah. I like that. I gotta find a podcast mentor. I guess that's Jordan.
Doctor, withhold your love and admiration for me, please. Further or withhold it.
It's just people like really violently arguing about a pattern game, Harold opening, and just like getting backstage. Just like, you're never gonna be good at A to C. Give up on it. Dink to B. Stupid.
Brian, any last thoughts? Last thoughts.
You know, I read about, I dove into Damien Chazelle's Wikipedia after I saw it, and I didn't know this, but he was in the band Chester French back at Harvard. I don't know if you listened to it, but. No, are they jazz specifically? No, no, it's very much like early 2000s indie pop. So if you're tuning in, head over to Spotify, listen to some Chester French, she loves everybody. No, but I think he didn't like, he got cut from the band or like he knew that he wouldn't be good enough like to have a professional career as a drummer.
So that's like, I think he used that to have a string board for Whiplash. That's right. Good thing he was a really good director, huh? Yeah.
Jordan, what are your last thoughts? What are you, what a career are you gonna jettison to become a master? I think I'm the only one that can, I'm the only one that can end the stream, right? Is that true?
Yeah, well, the three of us can't. So we were really hoping either you or Slack would come save the day.
Yeah, so I just logged, I'm just here to make, just to end it. I'm just. Oh, you came to kill us, huh? The people have been demanding it. No, I'm just kidding. But that is literally the only reason I logged in.
I like Whiplash. Thumbs up. All right. Oh yeah.
All right, Brian, where can we find you on the internet? You guys can find me on socials at it's Brian Park.
Oh yeah. And say the name of your very great podcast. Feeling Asian podcast. Yes. It was a really good episode with Jenny Aramoto, who was one of our guests and Dylan Adler. And it's very funny. I've listened to that episode. It was wonderful. Woo. Hell yeah.
Go check it out. Ellie, where can we find you? You can find me at Miss Alice Nutting, basically anywhere that you do that.
And I won't be here next week because I am getting married. So don't bother me. I'm not gonna pop in like Jordan did. Certainly not. I will be long gone.
Oh, that would be so rad if you did though. All right, great. It'll be a game time decision. Allie might pop in from her wedding. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. Cool. Find me on Twitter at Iceman, E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. Yeah. All right.
Jordan, that's it. End it. I'll end it. |
dropout | golfing_beautiful_women_what_could_be_bad_sponsored | We're here in Whistler, British Columbia and all these beautiful women have lined up here just to greet me and the winners when they arrive later or whatever, but I think it's mostly for me. We have 160 golfers here coming to embarrass themselves in front of these beautiful women and I think it's going to be a great day. What about you girls?
All right, stop! This of course, hamster in the hole, a precursor to golf featuring an enormous inflatable rubber ball that someone has to go inside of. Oh, here comes a sperm.
There he is. I'm excited to see what this beautiful scenery is going to look like covered in vomit. Oh my god, someone totally got the shaft on the caddy today. Who are you with here? I am with three awesome gentlemen. Are these crazy guys? This is right there. Clearly awesome.
How many times that paddle got you so far? Too many.
So interestingly, so far have not seen anyone playing golf. How are your players?
Oh, they're actually really good. Really good at what?
Golfing? Oh, you've been actually playing golf. Okay, kind of. It was like trying to hit the ball in the hole game. Yeah, that's what golf is.
So what do you make of these Coors Light Party Girls so far? Fantastic.
I warned them about Whistler. I warned them about Coors Light. You warned them? Yeah, I've been to Coors Light parties in the past, so I just wanted to make sure that they understand that they're in a heap of trouble.
That they shouldn't drink a responsible amount and enjoy themselves and have a great time. Okay, so we're here at the Coors Light after... Sootheys, motherfuckers. Do you have dollar bills? And for the Coors Light Golf experience, it's been an incredible weekend, ladies. Did you have fun? You heard it here first. Thanks for watching, guys. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Local_Mum_Dreams_of_Her_Kids_Getting_to_See_Those_Subs_A_News_Report_States_that_90_of_Austra_ | You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM, 96.5. Alrighty then, welcome back to another Batooter Advocate Weekly Bulletin, my name is Errol Parker, joined with me today is Wendell Hussey, how are you Wendell? Really good thanks Errol. That's good mate, and Effie's here as well. Hello, how you doing? Very good. What's been going on this week Wendell? In general, like I know that in this weekly bulletin we do like to discuss what's happened this week.
Well yeah, that's what I wanted to know, I picked up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and I was hoping to talk about it. Yeah. As you do. It seemed like you were moving me on. No, no, no, no, as you do, I just thought you were, you know, just going to start talking over us like you always do. Yeah, well, you know, it's hard to know sometimes where to go or what to do, but it's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for me, pretty sore, but I'm ready to, ready to take this step up I reckon. So it's been pretty good. How are you going? Mate, not too bad.
I'm a bit of a shame about what's happened with those banks in America. What happened? So as you might have heard, we had a few, you know, terse kind of moments in the executive office earlier this week.
So apparently, so unbeknownst to me during the crypto craze a few months ago, Clancy actually put the majority of our payroll and most of the employee superannuation payments, which apparently he hasn't been paying for a few years, he's just been hoarding that. And he's actually hedged that in a number of crypto funds. And now that that bank in Silicon Valley has gone under, he's gone over there to try and get some of it back. But apparently, he was telling me that the US government has guaranteed it. But he said that his person that he was dealing with at the Silicon Valley Bank was actually based in Cambodia. And the people at the bank have never heard of this employee. Did you get one of those text messages? We got one of those text messages a few years ago, that was offering him a scheme to make money very quickly. And he put a lot of our money into it. So let's hope that he is actually able to get some of that.
Yeah, me too. Look, I didn't even know we got super. So that's, I mean, look, whatever he can get back will be brilliant. How are you, Effie? You well? Yeah, I'm good. I'm also getting into the fitness, but I was thinking of doing Crab Maga. Oh, right. Yeah. Fair enough.
Well, they probably won't make you roll bits of bamboo down your shins. What got you into BJJ, is it known? It just looks like a really good way to kind of get a disciplined mentality towards violence and fighting that I need. So you got to channel it into something healthy. So that's what I'm gonna go with. The end of my football career is looming, so I think it'll be Brazilian jiu-jitsu for me for the next little while.
Now let's get into this news bulletin. And first up, we're going to kick off with some national news.
And the government has spent a staggering $368 billion this week on some submarines that will halt China's invasion by roughly 12 to 14 hours. Yes, you heard that, Rowan. According to a spokesperson, these submarines are key to Australia's national security, and they will be instrumental in deterring any possible threats from China. Critics, however, have been quick to point out that the submarines are unlikely to do much good in the face of China's overwhelming military might. Some have even gone so far as to call the submarines a quote, white elephant, arguing that the money could have been put to better use domestically.
Yeah, a lot of people saying that. Paul Keating, the former prime minister, went off his nut at the press conference. He was one of those firing up saying this was a waste of money.
It is quite a fair bit for some secondhand submarines. We're probably not going to see for a few decades. But anyway. And staying on politics, a local mum who's been serving up noodles on toast dreams of her kids getting to see those submarines one day. Yeah, we spoke to this local lady about the issue and she said she was really excited about the submarine news. And she told us these noodles, they're not much, but they're honest food. And I just hope that one day my kids will be able to see these submarines up close and personal because it's their birthright as Australians. Yes, this mum's story highlights the deep seated patriotism and national pride that is so ingrained in the Australian psyche, even in the face of economic and social challenges, that is. While some may question the wisdom of spending billions on submarines that may never be used, there's no denying that the idea of a strong and secure Australia is deeply embedded in the hearts and minds of many of us. Well, we're going to go on to some lighter news now.
And a news report has found that 90% of Australians are unable to enjoy a Chinese meal without quoting that video. You know the one we're talking about. And despite attempts by the Chinese government to have it banned, the video lives on in the hearts and minds of Australians everywhere.
And it seems that it's now becoming an integral part, Wendell, of the Chinese food dining experience. Yes, the succulent Chinese meal man who used to dine and dash. Yep, he knows his judo well. Yeah, he certainly does.
And he does not like having his penis touched by police officers. His limp penis. He doesn't like it being touched. Or received by a policeman.
No, it is a crucial aspect of Chinese food in Australia. And yeah, apparently there are 90% of people who are unable to attend a Chinese meal, whether it be at a local restaurant or the RSL without referencing that famous, famous video.
Finally, we have a story about a woman who's just discovered what burrata is and says that the overpriced cheese pimple is simply a must have. Speaking to reporters earlier this week, she declared, OMG, we have to do burrata.
It's the best thing ever. And I can't believe we've nearly gone all these years without it. Fascinating. It's hard eating stuff. It is.
I'm guessing you guys aren't a fan of burrata then. I don't know. I wasn't allowed to have any soft cheese in the house during my wife's many pregnancies. So yeah, I just never got a taste for it in the end. I don't think that was a result of her pregnancies. I think that's to do with the fact that you're lactose intolerant and you always sell me soft cheese and you desecrate the bathroom after you have it and promise you'll never do it again.
I have been caught short a few times on the M6 going out to Batutah Heights and having a pint of some oat milk stout at the pub across the road, go through the tunnel and get out the other side and start looking for an emergency bay to do the deed in. I've told you, you just got it. There are pills that fix this. You just have to dunk a couple before you have whatever dairy based or oat based product you're about to consume and it will halt it. It will make it a lot better. Well, that's good because I thought I'd have to keep on wearing nappies for the rest of my life, Wendell. But that's good. You don't need to do with the adult diapers anymore if you just go and get those pills. I'll find a link for you.
Lovely. Anyway. Until next week, Wendell. Weffy. It's been lovely. Au revoir. See you later. |
wearethesundayblues | how_to_viral_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Garrett, come in. Come in, Garrett.
Clover? Told you we don't need to use these things anymore.
We sit right next to each other.
Yeah, but they were really expensive. So can you just use the walkie-talkies? Well, I know they were expensive. I wanted to buy that big cake and you used up all the money.
And I was stuck with him. Hi. Sorry, who, um... What's going on? Ben Austin.
Okay. The band. Oh, okay.
This is not a mugging. I thought this was a, you know, a Chiato mug, I guess. Why would this be a mugging?
Your secretary just... Sorry, Muriel, I pressed the panic button under the desk. You can cancel the police. Thanks. There's no panic button. What do you mean there's no panic button? Yesterday when you went to the bathroom, I just put my gun under your desk.
Is that what that is? No, don't touch that. That's fucking gross. My jacket's gross.
So what can we do for you guys? Well, um... We wanted to get some advice. The only reason why we're here is we just wanted to... We need to go viral. Okay. I don't understand.
Are your live shows not going viral? Our live shows are amazing.
I mean, just last week we did... Well, we did a very big show for Earth Hour. Yeah. It was huge. Conceptually huge.
We didn't think it all the way through. Well, they couldn't get in. It was an electric door. Guys, I'm going to stop you right there. We don't usually get this far into a meeting.
Us too. With our payment. So...
We can't just give advice. The next thing, we give you some advice and you take that advice and you go and you make a video.
That's exactly it. We could do that. If we could take that option, that would be it.
Well, you're going to have to pay for that. What, for the free one? No. No, we're not going to have to pay for the free one. Yes, you're going to have to pay for the not free one.
Do this. Okay, we really actually need this to work. So we will pay. Great. You guys mind doing an EFT? That would be good.
We can offer you the package deal. Okay, what's the package deal?
The platinum viral package. All the viral elements are in it.
There's the details. So there you go. That's just our banking details and the figure. If you could just do that now while we're here. Can I use your Wi-Fi? No. That's part of the package. You must use your data.
Just waiting for it to come through. It's come through. There we go. Brilliant. Here we go. The money's reflected in it. I think so. It has.
Boobs. You want to go viral, you guys need boobs. Well, you don't need to have them. Just put them in the video. That's brilliant. Boobs. Wow. At least two. Two boobs.
Great. Guys, thanks for coming through. That's it. We just paid you a lot of money.
There's got to be something else. It can't just be boobs, surely. Boobs are great.
You can throw in maybe a cat. Throw a cat? Put a cat in the video. Internet loves cats. So that's it. Boobs and cats.
Also, stay away from any branding or sponsorships.
People can see right through that. New branding. You guys can probably film it on the Sony Xperia Z3 as well. One of the many features. Waterproof.
So there you go, guys. I think you've got everything you need now to go viral. Is that all? Are you sure? Don't question. We are going to take your advice.
Thank you. Yes, it was. Thank you, Jack. I'm just showing you where the door is. It's over there.
Oh, what should we sing about? Um... Sing anything. Anything.
So nice to meet you.
Yeah. Flock, it's amazing. 48 million views in 12 hours. I don't get it. Look, it's good. It's just lacking something. Nailed it. It's unbelievable.
Well, don't worry about that now. At least we got the money from those two guys. Yeah, I spent that. On what?
Anything. Can I sing anything? Anything. It don't matter what I sing. I sing anything. |
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