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TheOnion | Justin_Timberlake_Wins_Golden_Globe_For_Funniest_Goofball_At_His_Table | Get ready to get hopped up on Hollywood because I'm Angelique Clark here with tonight's quick hits. First up, Justin Timberlake took home a big award at the Golden Globes Sunday night, scoring the win for the funniest goofball at his table. Timberlake received the award after entertaining his table mates with such hilarious antics as using a French accent while ordering dinner, tying his napkin on his head and acting like an old lady, and asking everybody if he had something stuck in his teeth after covering them in spinach.
And now, look out American Idol, a hot new TV show is rocketing up the ratings charts. That's right, I'm talking about ABC's When Nobody's Home, a show which began as a DVD intended to occupy cats while their owners are away. After just three episodes, When Nobody's Home already has legions of fans who can't get enough of the show's bright colors and tweeting bird soundtracks. When Nobody's Home has already been renewed for a second season, and there are rumors that a big screen version is in the works with Kirsten Dunst set to star as a piece of ribbon.
And over to Washington, where after several months of vociferous debate, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 yesterday that it's alright to pirate movies and TV shows as long as an individual can justify the action to him or herself. According to a statement by Justice Sonia Sotomayor, as long as the individual provides one to two arguments like, clearly these studios are not hurting for money, or if it wasn't so overpriced, I would pay for it, before downloading a piece of entertainment from an unauthorized source, the act cannot be considered criminal. The rest of this session was devoted to watching the first season of Breaking Bad, which Justice Stephen G. Breyer had ripped from a friend's DVD, because, quote, ever since Netflix tried that quickster crap, I was like, screw em. And that's your Quick Hit. Alright, so when we come back, we'll look at our Starfix photo of the day. Do you know which A-list celebrity found this in her vagina last night? |
dropout | what_new_technology_do_you_wish_existed_bad_internet_behind_the_scenes | if I can invent new technology I think I would just I would probably just try to steal technology from cartoons like I would like they're called scouters in Dragon Ball Z where you can see how powerful somebody was oh yeah get the stats on someone every time you look at them yeah you could go around you could be like all right I could beat that guy up that guy would beat me up that girl would beat me up I just realized though that wasn't this Google Glass essentially Google Glass didn't have power levels like scouters it yeah but it wasn't cool they weren't like green I'm gonna invent green Google Glass I have an my uncle Tony my dad's twin brother uncle Tony uses no technology hates technology doesn't have a cell phone and I heard him railing one day against dating apps he said I was at work and there were two people in a fight and they'd never met each other and I said to him yeah but uncle Tony there's two people who wouldn't have met if it weren't for the internet sounds like a fake story sounds like you wrote this for I don't have an uncle Tony oh I know yeah if you could have met the technology that your cats could have cell phones so you could text them I would definitely do something oh what about a little collar that it's on you a text every time they me out I think this is possible right I think this is a good idea yeah check in check in check caller to the second caller see a ll er not co ll er right I like it they already the cat caller c a t c a ll er yeah some negative implications but |
dropout | honest_new_york_times_ad | The New York Times is joining the 21st Century. Subscribe today, and not only will you get up to the minute news, video, and multimedia on our website, but we'll also deliver a pile of old newspapers to your door every morning. There's nothing like having a real newspaper delivered in the morning.
Nothing protects the floors better when I'm painting. The art section helps inspire my students to create. The dining and wine section really helped me put my restaurant on the map. I make sure to get the business section every day. You never know when it's going to rain. The real estate section makes a great blanket. You love the great outdoors? You gotta love the travel section. I like the book review. I find it helps with my own writing. My mom says this is garbage, so it's okay for Moscow to go to the bathroom on. You need it. It helps you crack the code.
Who's watching who now? Who's watching who?
I like the crossword puzzle. Hey, recycle it. The New York Times. Here, you throw it away. |
TheOnion | How_To_Channel_Your_Road_Rage_Into_Cold_Calculating_Road_Revenge | I know I shouldn't, but these muffins are delicious.
And we'll share our favorite recipes later in the hour, but first our guest says don't give in to road rage. Stay calm behind the wheel and coolly plot your road revenge. Danny Preston is a defensive driving instructor who teaches people how to control their temper behind the wheel.
Welcome, Danny. Thanks for having me. Danny, we've all been there.
There's nothing I hate more than getting cut off. That drives me nuts. I want to scream out my window.
But ultimately, getting into an argument with a stranger isn't going to accomplish anything but stress you out. Well, how should you respond instead? Yeah. Take a deep breath, count to ten, then follow the other driver home. Well, you don't want to get into a fight on the highway. Right. Once you know where he lives, you could sneak into his house every couple weeks, rearrange a bunch of things. Something that says you're out there and you're unpredictable. Sounds like that's safer than losing your temper. Anger's just one letter away from danger. Ooh. I like that. You want to stay Zen.
Keep your mind clear and put a plan in place that will ruin the other driver's chance at a happy future. Now, you also talk a lot about empathy, putting yourself in the other driver's shoes. Exactly, Jim. Just last week, I was waiting for a stoplight to change when some angry driver behind me was leaning on the horn. I hate that. But then, I remembered.
He's human, just like me. He has a family that loves him, and that's an exploitable weakness. I started sending him videotapes, hours-long videotapes filmed outside his parents' home.
Now, he's frantic and confused, but I always say you can't give angry drivers the satisfaction of knowing why their parents are being filmed, which is why I call him every night from a pay phone and just recite a series of cryptic numbers that don't mean anything. Calm, cool, collected. I love it. Well, getting cut off is one thing, but how do you possibly stay calm during a fender bender that wasn't your fault? Oh, boy, I need this one. Of course. It's hard to keep a cool head in that situation. You'll feel the urge to slam into the jerk's car right where you see the baby seat. But you don't want to do anything that could get somebody hurt on the road.
Instead, you should murder the person's next-door neighbor. But when he moves someplace safer, you follow him and you kill his next-door neighbor again and again. Now, he can't escape death, and he has no idea who you even are.
Oh, that is a great driving tip. Now, something a lot of people want to know. What if someone's getting angry about your driving? You can't let it get to you. For example, in 1996, some guy gave me the middle finger after I cut him off. I recognized him from TV. That's when I decided to become a defensive driving instructor, developing the skills I needed to eventually be invited on his show as an expert.
Once you're there, it's just a simple matter of switching out his muffins with the ones you made yourself. Those muffins were pretty good, weren't they, Jim? How many did you eat?
What? I don't know.
Thank you so much for sharing your tips, Danny. Danny is not my true name. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_wants_more_money_saturday_night_live | Lorne, Lorne, we've got the early ratings in and they're sky high, and the critics are already saying that this is one of the funniest shows ever. that's great. So I want to renegotiate my contract. I want more money. can't do it. Lorne, Lorne, what did you pay me the first time I hosted in 1976?
Steve, I can't do it. that's a bad precedent. How much do you get per show? I don't see how that. How much? come on, How much? Twelve million. does that seem fair to you? Steve, we need you downstairs for the next sketch. So what's it going to be, Steve? the money or the show must go on?
I'm not going on. don't push me, Steve. I have options. I'm ready, boss. I'm ready, too, if he doesn't want to. damn you, Lorne Michaels. you know me too well. I'm going on.
Well, we showed him, didn't we, Alec? I want pie. Jimmy, will you take him down to see the nurse? I think there may be head damage. Yeah. come on, buddy. Joey, I want pie. Good. Medicine Pie. |
cracked | the_5_most_seemingly_sinister_google_behaviors | Don't be evil, it's Google's unofficial motto and an anagram of boned to live. But are we boned to live with Google in our lives? Google is a polarizing entity. Some die-hard supporters consider it the savior of innovation, while cynics paint Google as a digital big brother. Now, using only two different t-shirts, I will attempt to determine once and for all whether or not Google lives up to its famous vow.
In 2011, G-Men hit about $10 billion in an offshore bank account, avoiding about $2 billion in unpaid taxes. Oh, and their CEO even bragged about it. And they did nothing illegal.
You would brag about it too if you were that smart. You're aware I'm you, right?
Meanwhile, Google has worked with Charity Technology Trust to bring over 30,000 different charities to the national spotlight. You're welcome. Okay, so Google has raised money for charities and pocketed tax dollars. Kinda levels out. Self-driving cars. Google is bringing us the future, people. Wake up.
Fun fact, the only time one of these cars has ever been in an accident was when there was a person behind the wheel. Michio Black never had to happen.
Were you aware that gobble street view cars have not so secretly been collecting every bit of data they can soak up? Oh, and the FCC, United States Justice Department, and agencies in about 10 different countries aren't happy about it. In Google's defense, most of that information came from public networks anyway, so if you don't want Google to know that you watch furry porn in the local library, that's really not their fault.
You're me. You know we don't watch that sh- Okay, Google Analytics is probably the most helpful service offered online. It helps you track your stats, know your demographic in and out, and make your site better every day. You're welcome.
Again.
Stop saying you're welcome. And analytics won't do sh- if Google keeps rigging their searches. Ever notice how Google properties are always the first to come up in a search? Not a coincidence. Come on, that's like the tabloids complaining that the New York Times won't run their celebrities who got fat articles.
Hey, if you're the kid at the playground who makes the rules because he brought the football, then yeah, you're kind of automatically an ass-f-k. You're an ass-f-k. I- we- we're an ass-f-k.
And while we're talking about competition, were you aware that between October of 2010 and now, Grogle has acquired an average of a company a week? Stop it with the sh- puns, and you just said acquired all sinister. There's nothing sinister about acquiring. Just because something is big and successful doesn't mean it's evil.
And personally, I like the stuff that Google does. Google Glass? A computer in your glasses?
Yes please. Yeah.
Goodbye privacy. Imagine data miners tracking your eye movements. Your eyes linger a little too long on someone's drink, and all of a sudden you've got 12 pop-up ads for infinite hour energy, an energy shot that keeps you awake around the clock so Google apps can use your brainwaves as fuel for their war machines. Oh, and Google Plus sucks.
How dare you say that to my face at my apartment tonight around 7.30 with a bottle of wine? Maybe I will. And maybe I'll be so angry I'll forget to not have my dick out. Ha, I'd like to see you try.
Well that got weird. So yes, Google is a normal company that does good things and bad things, and all the annoying Google lovers and haters should probably just f***ing get it over with already. Roll sound. Hey guys, I'm Brennan, I run the YouTube channel, and I read a lot of the comments, and I just wanted to say, who hurt you?
Do you need a hug? Should I hug? I'm going to hug you. |
dropout | where_mom_emails_really_come_from_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_9 | Hey mom, what's the deal with this email you sent me? Did you like that? I guess, but it's just this one phrase in green sparkle font. Oh come on, that's cute. Sure, but you've been sending me a lot of these emails.
The inspirational story of the pickle jar, the non-YouTube video link of Joel Austin telling jokes, the kind of naughty limerick. Well don't you like them? They're great, it's just... Where are you getting all these?
What do you mean? Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I'm basically online all day and I never once came across any of these kinds of links, but you seem to have an endless supply of them. And they've always been forwarded so many times it's impossible to trace the origin. It's like you're tapped into a parallel internet.
Well now, let me see. I think that that one was sent to me by... You fly too close to the web, spiders gotta get you. Gabby?
What do you think about us getting sea do's? Sounds like fun. Yeah, we'd be sipping around on the water.
He's awake. Rise and shine, it's nearly 11am, lazy bones. |
cracked | how_to_rob_a_bank_according_to_the_internet | To prepare, I drove past a bunch of different banks and checked them against tips I got from the world's most reliable bank robbing source, the internet. A standalone bank with a 200-yard sprint between me and my car?
No, that's no good.
A bank that's part of a strip mall? That's a safer target.
Do the robbery when the place is filled with customers, said the internet. Do it when most people in the place aren't looking at you, said the internet.
Good enough for me. Smile. This is what you were trained for. Smile. It's insured. Calm yet quick.
Don't want me here for long, I promise. Do you want an envelope for that?
No, thanks. Sprint between me and my car? No, that's no good.
A bank that's part of a strip mall? That's a safer target.
Do the robbery when the place is filled with customers, said the internet. Do it when most people in the place aren't looking at you, said the internet.
Good enough for me. Smile. This is what you were trained for. Smile. It's insured. Calm yet quick.
Don't want me here for long.
I promise. Do you want an envelope for that?
No, thanks. |
cracked | video_game_battle_of_the_sexes_halo_vs_metroid | Master Chief is just a drone following orders. Yeah, orders that get shit done on like a galactic level.
Unlike your precious little Samus, who only fights two villains on the same two planets for like half of the game. Samus has way better powers. She's got Grappling Hook, she can roll into a ball, drop one to three bombs, double jump, hello. And that she loses immediately as soon as she touches foot on one of the two planets she goes to. And then she spends the other half of the game trying to gather up all of her gear.
Double jump. That means you jump once and while in mid-air defying gravity, jumps again. That's awesome. Why do two things when I can accomplish my goal in one? If I see a sweet roof, like, just like, that's fucking roof, why don't I just jump once all badass in my green armor instead of, you know, jumping over there and floating over there like a little sissy varodancer.
So you're Master Chief now, you and the character are one. At least Samus can improve her skills over time. Master guns just guns, gets more guns and upgrades guns guns. Thanks.
Seriously? You move that slow and you never get a speed upgrade? That's ridiculous.
And Jeeps with guns and spacecraft. Which is a crutch. Master Chief has an entire military at his disposal.
Samus is alone. She needs to figure out all those puzzles herself. Sir! Exactly. Samus is always learning some garbage or scanning some junk or collecting some crap.
Who cares about flipping a series of switches in the right order when fucking aliens are trying to murder your family? Because she's gathering data about the planet she's on. She's a scientist. Who needs a scientist when aliens are trying to murder your family? Because someone has to! Look, you need intel, you need recon.
That's why even in the Halo universe, Master Chief isn't even the best warrior that the humans have. Oh, I think he is. He's a Spartan. He's a grunt doing whatever real military power tells him to do. So basically, the best person in the entire Halo series is the AI character, Cortana. Cortana is physically dependent on the Chief.
He carries her around in his home and he even rescued her from that crashed alien spaceship in the third one, so... Because she's the most important military asset of all time. That's the whole point of the prequel.
I mean, always wanting a bigger gun while I'm over here taking it all in. Oh, take it all in! Okay, I'm gonna say professional here, getting a little personal, so I'm gonna do the big thing. Do the big thing.
Alright, I said, okay, disengaging. Disengage! Action!
Welcome to Temple Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance.
What is force class? Use the force!
By light of nothing. By dark of bright.
The Jedi way. We look. We are. Protect. Jedi. Good. Yes. That. Was nothing. Jedi code.
No. Not the. |
cracked | 12_reasons_the_term_life_hack_is_now_meaningless | Life hacks! They're the computer hacking of real life. Especially because not a whole lot of people actually know what either of them are. I'm hyped up blood act! A life hack, actually, is kind of hard to explain, apparently. It's like a little trick, you know, that utilizes the laws and materials and nature of the universe in order to increase efficiency or generally improve life.
For example, the sense most closely linked to memory is smell and by association taste. So, if you chew gum while you study, make sure to chew the same flavor of gum when you're taking the test to improve your memory and hopefully you'll do better on the test.
Life hack! Using human knowledge of the natural world and the elements of life to your advantage. But is everything called a life hack a life hack? Is it a life hack to put your hoodie on backwards and put popcorn in your hood to eat it hands-free? Or is it just a terrible idea for a snuggie reboot? No, this is not a life hack and it falls into the category things no one actually wants to do. Other categories and examples.
Want to have ninja-like reflexes? Eating plenty of spinach and eggs improves our ability to think quick and have better reflexes.
Life hack! Or dietary advice. Whole strawberries using a straw. Life hack!
Or easy trick to throw away an edible portion of the strawberry, waste a straw for no reason, and not save a second of time. Probably wasting more time finding a straw.
Putting your phone into airplane mode will charge it twice as fast.
Life hack! Or things your phone can do. On Coursera.com you can take hundreds of free online courses on any topic from legit schools all around the world. Life hack! Or a service that a business has offered to you online. Add a teaspoon of baking soda when you boil eggs and the shell will come off easily. Life hack! Or cooking advice.
Put lights under the snow for this cool effect. Life hack! Or a way to get some lights under snow to look like this.
This recipe for Christmas morning punch. Life hack! Or recipe for Christmas morning punch.
Put a number in the title of your video and you'll get more views maybe.
Life hack! You've been hacked!
Hey y'all, thanks for watching the video you just watched. I hope you enjoyed it. Make sure to leave a comment.
Leave your own ideas for life hacks. I'll start you off. Life hack. You're tired of doing math in your head. Get an abacus. Life hack. Can't really see that well? Life hack. Join in. Life hack your way into the comments by hitting the comment button. Type on the keyboard. Life hack. |
dropout | it_s_god_s_fault_we_lost_the_game_ch_shorts | Parabuddha's point guard, Ricky J, is fielding questions following tonight's game against the Bloodhounds. How do you feel about the outcome of tonight's game?
Oh, it was all God. Come on, you don't think you had anything to do with it? God. No, no, I can't take any credit for this one. This was truly God's doing.
But you lost. Jesus is the reason for every season. I'm sorry, are you blaming God for your team losing the game? Hey, nothing against the guy. I mean, it's just, you know, you gotta take the good with the bad, right? He gets the credit for the wins, air go, he's gotta get the credit for the losses. But what about the 19 points you scored for the Bloodhounds? I mean, we can sit here and make excuses all day. I accidentally scored the deciding 19 points for the other team. I accidentally gave Coach the wrong start time for the game. I spent the first half playing the floor as Lava, but ultimately, it's up to God. Why do you think they were able to score so easily? We did everything we could. We can really only blame God. You don't think it's because you quintupled team one player, leaving everyone else open?
Again, I'm just a vessel. I'm like a puppet.
God's running the show. How did your 42 turnovers affect the outcome of the game? Only God can know for sure. Yeah, well, according to the stat sheet, it looks like the other team scored every time you turned the ball over. And still, God, in his infinite wisdom, just decided that tonight was not our night.
Is there anything you could have done differently? Fasted? You're saying you might have won if you starved yourself before the game.
A worker's appetite works for him. For his hunger urges him on.
But in the end, it doesn't matter. It's all God. How do you regroup after such a terrible loss? I mean, we'll keep practicing. You know, practice makes perfect. But really, all that is worthless. It's all up to God.
Money! Ouch!
That was God. Next question. You. Linda Cartwheel from ChristianSports.com. God had nothing to do with the outcome of this game. When you asked the other team why they won, what did they say? God. No more questions.
Ricky! Oh, Ricky J sucks! Bloodhounds, dude! Woo! Hi, I'm Rafael from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. If you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD.
Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
programmersarealsohuman | everyone_on_ai_twitter_2023 | Everything I do and everything I believe in is based on well-researched anecdotal evidence Twitter. Is this mic working? The moment I see new technology nobody understands, I tweet about it. Twitter is a safe space for people who want to learn more about new technologies. By tweeting about new technologies, I create so much FOMO, we cease to lose billions every time I tweet. Most times I'm wrong, but when I'm in the right, I'll refer to that point forever. That new tech you're looking at right now I might hype it up, and then I will have to bust it like a bubble.
And yeah, then things like Clubhouse die. People are rotating jobs every three months because I keep switching my favorite tech. Now it doesn't cost me anything, but all the startups following me, they're pivoting for billions. I shape whole industries.
Yeah, I love the Dunning-Kruger effect. I'm currently at the top. Many people fall off early, where long-term analysis and data-driven decision-making intersect. I come in and destroy any rational thought. The legitimacy I have, I have a blue check mark next to my Twitter handle, and I pay for that. I am the single reason everyone in the world is confused right now. Undergrads are switching their majors to anthropology to not graduate into a recession. You're welcome. I always knew that AI is going to skyrocket.
Since 10 days, learn these three tools to not go out of business. Now, pointing down finger emoji, for the next 10 days I will post random permutations of those words. I have never read, touched or learned about any of the technologies I'm discussing nowadays, but I'm allowed to tweet about it. That's what I call a safe space. What a time to be alive.
Yeah, when Bitcoin first started rising, I went all in on hyping the heck out of it. GM. The moment Bitcoin fell for a few percent, I was fighting the heck out of it. I didn't even invest. I still don't know how or what Bitcoin exactly is.
People will tell me when I'm wrong. This usually gets me the most views. What a nice space. So then people educate me in the comments, and I just reply, hey, I'm just here to learn. While half the industry already left their jobs and pivoted to become people and culture specialists. Yeah, I have a comic-arised version as my profile pic. That's just what everyone does.
Once there are over 10,000 followers, now you have a responsibility. Now you're an NFT podcaster. Now you're a conference host. Now you're a speaker and motivational coach.
I didn't choose this life. The crowd chose me. I also bought ads.
I will notice a technological trend about three months after it happens. And then when I tweet about it, people look at my tweet, they think it's a reboot of the technology.
It's not. I just live under a rock.
The facts never change. Just the narrative.
Why do I do it? Money. I mean, that's what technology is made for. I guess. Technology.
This is the mood board that helps me choose which technology to discuss. This is the mood board. I still don't know if this is a botanical garden or a co-working space. People here are overly nice.
So I started selling them my NFTs. Now nobody wants to talk to me anymore. |
dropout | everyone_s_high_school_boyfriend_hardly_working | Really good script this week, guys. I haven't seen stuff this funny since Owen and Dan left, but I still feel like we haven't found our Shake It Off parody.
Emily, Emily, who the dog's is that? Yeah, that's Emily's high school boyfriend, Chase. He's not in high school. You know, they've just been together ever since. He doesn't want to get a job, but he doesn't really want to do anything else, so he just pings out wherever I work.
Hoagie heaven, pierogi heaven, Colonel Custard's crematorium. That's true, club. Now here.
Emily, can I have the bathroom key? We don't have a bathroom key.
Okay. It's just a part of our dynamic. Who am I to get in the way of young love? Now, if we could all just... Emily, it didn't work, but it's cool because I actually made the door open with my mom's extra care card. Okey-dokey. So, what can we...
Sorry, what's your name again? Jeff. Did he just give me a fake name? He doesn't like authority. All right, Chase. Jeff, could you wear headphones? Okay, I think the funniest angle is...
Emily.
Check your phone. Sam, can I take my lunch break? It's 5.45. Why is he always here? Because he works here. Yeah, well, maybe he should quit.
You made me look stupid. I didn't make you look stupid. Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot, I'm sorry. Hey, is Chase here or... Oh, shit, sorry.
Emily, I know Emily. Hey, back here. Oh, hey.
What is going on? Emily, this is completely inappropriate. Your boyfriend can't just hang out here. Seriously?
He hangs out wherever I work. He's an integral part of my career. Yeah, you know, I got a side with Emily. I've kind of grown accustomed to him. Yeah, I mean, he may only ever glare at me and accuse me of moving in on his girl. I can't imagine work without him.
All right, fine. Chase, you know, if you're gonna hang out, do you want to at least contribute? I mean, do you want a job? Emily, what time do you get off? Six. Can she go?
That's a key to nothing. It goes nowhere.
You're gonna need my mom's extra care card. Subscribe or click me to see what I look like without Photoshop. Just kidding, it's the same. I woke up like this. Also, I'm wearing makeup and a push-up bra and a wig. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Creepy_Babies | Today we're talking about creepy babies. Those are those unsettling bundles of joy in TV and film that may make you reconsider procreating. My pick for this was 1996's Trainspotting.
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career.
Trainspotting boasts a number of memorable scenes, none more so than when Ewan McGregor is locked up in his childhood bedroom by his parents and forced to kick heroin cold turkey.
Maybe I should go back to the clinic. No. No clinics.
I need one more fucking edge! And this is where we get the creepy baby for this inventory.
Earlier in the film, McGregor is woken by one of his heroin junkie friends screaming because she finds her baby Dawn dead in her crib. Baby Dawn returns in the form of McGregor's guilt. He has guilt over his friend Spud going to jail while McGregor avoids it. Guilt over turning his formerly straight-laced friend Tommy onto heroin.
Come on, man. I'm a fucking adult. I can find out for myself. Well, I'm finding out who I hate. But most of all, he feels guilty about contributing to the neglect that led to the death of baby Dawn.
Trainspotting had a tiny $2.4 million budget, and all the effects were done in camera. There was literally a guy on the other side of the ceiling pulling the baby along the track and trying to make it look smooth. But even if the baby's face and movement looked fake, it's still creepy. And if you really like that scene from Trainspotting, you can become friends on Facebook with the baby from Trainspotting.
Right now, she only has 111 friends. Aw, so it needs our help. Yeah, it does. After that, I feel like we should lighten the mood a little bit with Genevieve's creepy baby.
Yes, well, baby Gerald from The Simpsons, also known as the baby with one eyebrow, is a pretty minor character in Springfield, but he's still pretty creepy, especially if you're Maggie Simpson. The first time he appears, he's explicitly referred to as Maggie's arch nemesis. Everybody needs a nemesis. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.
It's never said why they hate each other. Presumably, she hates poorly groomed eyebrows, and he hates pacifiers.
In a later episode in season 15, during a baby riot, Maggie is seen pummeling baby Gerald. Springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies. Bad babies!
When the series made the switch to HD in 2009 and changed the opening sequence to reflect that, they added Maggie and Gerald. Supposedly, Gerald's known around town for creating, you know, mischief and mayhem. Baby Gerald, we can't help but wonder what mischief you'll get into next. But if you think about it, Maggie's really created a lot more mayhem over the years. That cutaway of them looking at each other through the window and him like squeezing his juice box. That always cracks me up. Maggie doesn't seem to get along with the other babies.
So, let's get back on drugs with your pick, Sean. Yes, let's get back on drugs.
In Jay McInerney's novel about the cocaine overdose, The American Dream, Bright Lights, Big City, he lines up a fat rail of pure, uncut metaphor called the coma baby, which is a fetus trapped inside a woman who's left comatose by a car accident, and they both become a subject of tabloid fascination. In the film adaptation of 1988 with Michael J. Fox, coma baby sort of lurks around the edges as Michael J. Fox's hard-living fact-checker digs himself deeper into drugs and personal ruin. How's it going? It's also a sign of his unquenchable thirst for things that he knows are bad for him. You're a secret fan of killer bees, hero cops, sex fiends, living nightmares, life on other planets, spontaneous human combustion, coma babies. In case that symbolism isn't loud enough for you, they turn it up a little bit when Michael J. Fox actually meets the coma baby in a dream sequence. In case it wasn't clear that Fox is essentially talking to himself, the coma baby actually has Michael J. Fox's voice. I like it in here. Everything I need is pumped in. Anyway, with that metaphorical link established, any time Michael J. Fox is wondering how his character is doing, he can just check the papers. So by movie's end, he's decided to stop killing himself with coke, and thus he's emerged from his own womb and he's born anew, and so it's time to check the headlines one last time. Did you get that Michael J. Fox is the coma baby?
Can't a creepy baby just be a creepy baby for the sake of being a creepy baby? No, we need metaphors, otherwise you would never understand. That cocaine is bad. Which of these three babies would you babysit? I would definitely babysit Dawn because she's dead. It's super easy. For more creepy babies, visit avclub.com. His own womb and he's born anew, and so it's time to check the headlines one last time. Did you get that Michael J. Fox is the coma baby? Can't a creepy baby just be a creepy baby for the sake of being a creepy baby? No, we need metaphors, otherwise you would never understand. That cocaine is bad. Which of these three babies would you babysit? I would definitely babysit Dawn because she's dead. It's super easy. For more creepy babies, visit avclub.com. |
dropout | you_remind_me_of_my_ugly_friend | Yeah, we're gonna make regionals this year. Guys, can I try? Yeah, soon.
Whoa. Have you guys seen Jenny, the new editor? Katie, she just looks exactly like you. Really? Yeah, I thought it was you the first time I saw her.
It's like an uncanny resemblance. Oh man, I can't wait to... Yeah, I agree. It's shocking how much you guys look alike. I don't think we look alike. You definitely do. That is exactly how you unpack your bag in the morning. It's the same motions and everything.
Oh man, if only... If only I had a cool tail.
Like that, you know? Yeah, but like everything else is identical. That's like one small thing. Really?
She has such a unique complexion. Blue is such a pretty color. I'm just boring pale. But your facial features are so similar. We have different hair. I don't have a fun hairline like that. Hers goes back a lot, which is super fun because you get to see more of her pretty face. Yeah, but where she does have hair, it's like the exact same cotton color as you. It's super cute.
She has the same eating habits as you. You eat the same way. Are you sure you two aren't related? I don't think I eat like that. Then you haven't seen yourself eat when you're super hungry.
Zach!
Okay, we need a second opinion. Does the new editor resemble anyone? No, right? Whoa. She looks just like you. What? Yeah. You see it too?
Yeah, I mean it's fun to have office doppelgangers. It's just like me and Ronathon, or Zach and Jimothy.
Ahhh! Totally Jimberly. I think Ronathon lost some weight. Oh guys, what's she doing? That's exactly what you look like when you're trying to frantically finish your work. Ahhh! Oh wow.
Look guys, she's going to be a mother. Katie, I bet her kids look just like you. No they won't. Guys, I'm sorry, but I really think I'm better looking than Jenny.
Wow. Whoa.
That's pretty conceited and rude. Rude? No. No, that's not rude. What's rude is that you keep comparing me to Jenny who thankfully I look nothing like because she's hideous. You're being really offensive.
I don't fucking care, okay? We share no physical or behavioral similarities. Stop pretending we do.
Well, I guess you and Jenny are different in one key way. Jenny isn't a monster unlike you.
Oh guys, wait! Guys, I think she might actually be a monster. God, fuck everyone.
Katie, I was wondering if we could... Oh, sorry Jenny, you look just like Katie. I think I look like Katie. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_debbie_hole_and_stacey_bussy_on_disney_s_hocus_pocus_2_snl | This week, a Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney's reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral. here to discuss their concerns about the film are two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussi. So ladies, what's so bad about Hocus Pocus? Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children running a muck. oh, witches snacking on my kids? Not under my house. it's just a silly kids movie. Michael Shite, We don't need a movie where kids' souls are getting sucked off. And we don't need to see Matt Midler wearing big old teeth. it's Satanic.
Okay, worst case scenario, it could unleash Hell. Imagine that, Okay? I'm sorry, just imagine that. you're home with hell in it. Okay, yeah, Satan walking around, erect. Is that what you want, Michael Shite? I'm sorry, is it Michael Shite, Satan, in your living room, harness a rock? No, that's not what I want, Debbie Hole.
Don't you think you're missing out on some of the fun parts of Halloween? Uh, there is nothing fun about Halloween.
So what about candy? Satanic. What candy is satanic? Sour Patch Kids. Think about it. we're feeding kids kids, making a bunch of army hammers.
Oh, oh. and do not get me started on skeet tols. Okay, I won't.
Okay, you got it started, right? you got it started, right, Okay. taste the rainbow, demonic. I'm gonna say this,: any vending machine with a skeetle in it, that's a gory hole for a devil. gushers, ew! everlasting gall stopper, so suck till I'm dead, No, no, no. Oh, so you guys are just crazy. I'm sorry, crazy about family, church, and laughter? yes, you know what, I swear, even talking about this makes me nervous, Okay? you open your mouth long enough, a demon will swoop in it. Oh, what did I say? you all right? Shoot. no, no, she caught, she caught a demon in her, she probably caught it here, that's in hell. I'm gonna have to talk to him. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, we sold a lot of leggings to be here, girl. I swear to God, if a bunch of rats come in here and start building you a throne, I am leading New York. I'm gonna need you to put a collar on Satan and take him back to Hell.
Can you do that for me? Can you do that? |
dropout | How_To_Fix_Our_Climate_So_That_I_Can_Take_Long_Showers | Climate change, the most dire, all-encompassing issue facing our generation today. Our planet is at a crossroads, and the time has come for everyone to assess their lifestyle, limit as best they can their carbon footprint, and make the necessary sacrifices so that I can continue taking really long showers.
As it stands currently, I'm meant to feel guilty after a mere 30 minutes in the shower. That's not right. We can do better. I like it in there, and it feels good, and I'm going to keep doing it. Each of us, not me, can put in the hard work necessary to counteract the damage we have done and that I am continuing to do.
If everyone watching this were to cut their shower time by a mere 10 minutes, I would be able to continue turning on the shower when I have to poop first. So I sit on the toilet and just kind of let the water run while I poop before I even get in. Water's just going straight down the drain for five minutes, maybe more. The sound of the running water calms me.
I will continue to do this. The effects of climate change can feel very abstract. To cement their reality, I ask that everyone look upon these clips of me having to leave the shower a little earlier than I'd like to. If everyone were to see these clips, I have no doubt that we would all implement the changes we have to make for our Earth, for my sake. As you can see by this graph, the global temperature has risen significantly in the past century alone. And as you can see by this graph, so also has my enjoyment for when after a run I sit down in the shower and close my eyes and plug my ears and pretend like it's raining on me. You should try it, it's very fun, but don't. For the environment, only I may do that.
No one said this was going to be easy. It will be very difficult for you. It'll take time and it'll take sacrifice, not me.
But it will all be necessary for when sometimes, not a lot, I am too drunk and dizzy to fall asleep in my bed so I go in the shower to sober up, but then I just kind of fall asleep in there and I wake up and it's 4am and the shower has been running the whole time. It is my right as an American to do that, and your duty as a different American to undo it. We mustn't stop there. Our planet needs us. And after getting out of the shower, I tend to turn on the AC for the night. It's because I like being a little chilly and having to knead the covers. We are at a point in time on this planet where we cannot afford to make me miss out on doing all this stuff. Because it is stuff that I like. Now off with you. It's time that I take another shower.
Hey, it's Mike Trapp. If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of adding guac to two burritos, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. You can chat with us live in the Dropout Discord, and get exclusive content like WTF 101. In the ocean there's... Sign up for your free trial today and learn why critics are saying, who are you? Why are you in my house? What the hell is Dropout?
Get out. I'm calling the cops. |
cracked | movie_problems_with_easy_solutions | 6 movie problems with easy solutions. Mr. Potter has no choice He is as of tonight a try wizard champion I was out of town for a couple months in case you didn't hear what you call accountability Nobody's taken yesterday. I didn't approve any shit. Well, your company did well I'm not my company. The services are no longer required Come on Julie is better than a day on the beach girl Here we go with a little photosynthesis. You will feel like a new house plan I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you he's harmless really Do you seem very familiar to me? Have we met? To pay the toll take a cop and take a breath and go ahead and sign your scroll You must have really been through something don't worry don't worry I'll help you Hey guys Saturday April 8th we're doing a live after hours Katie Willard, Daniel O'Brien, Sorin Bui and I will be coming up with movie ideas Too awesome to get made tickets are $7. There's probably more information somewhere on your screen and a place to click and buy them So do that |
TheOnion | DNC_Commits_To_Younger_Looking_Leaders_With_Skincare_Routine_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_24 | From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price and you're listening to The Topical, a news podcast that gets released to your podcast app of choice every day. Remember to turn on your notifications to be alerted when a new episode drops, or if you'd prefer something a bit more personal, simply send us your home address if you'd like one of our podcast staffers to throw a brick through your window every time a new episode is out. The Onion holds no responsibility for any property or personal damage, including death and dismemberment. Back with our lead story, right after this.
The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store. Whether it's dinner in a movie, a hostage negotiation, or just coffee, Cash App makes it easy to transfer funds using your smartphone. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code TOPICAL.
And remember, if they trust you, they'll listen to you.
Aging congressional members combined with a geriatric lineup of presidential contenders has many progressives feeling like now is the time for a new generation of younger Democrats to take the reins. That's why the DNC has announced their commitment to younger-looking leadership with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skincare products. Committee spokesperson Anthony Serrano spoke in a press conference today about the need for the Democratic caucus to bring forward elasticity and clean, open pores among their elderly ranks. We're confident that this $40 million pledge will give our Democratic leaders the tools needed to capture a new, youthful glow across a spectrum of aging skin types, from oily to dry to even combination. There's no better way to tell voters we are committed to rejuvenating our party than to finally get serious about our daily skin routine.
Here with details is OPR political correspondent Dirk Mullins. Thanks, Leslie.
Democratic leaders are hard at work implementing sweeping changes to bring in fresh, butter-soft, and blemish-free appearances to the Democratic Party. For example, party leaders are ditching older, chemical-laced facial cleansers in favor of newer, more natural ones to bring more energy and viability to their aging complexions. And older party members like Joe Biden are beginning to use chemical face peels to show the Democratic base that he is committed to a younger and more human-like face moving forward. Interesting. And how are Democrats responding? By all accounts, this is the first time the Democratic Party has been pretty much on the same page for quite some time about what the future of their party looks like. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi appeared before reporters today, praising the positive effects new advanced eye creams can bring to her party. And minority leader Chuck Schumer was bunkered down in his office with Teen Vogue magazine quizzes all morning long trying to determine what type of breakouts his Senate caucus members are prone to. While this sounds like a real breakthrough for the Democratic Party, do these efforts go beyond skincare routines? For some, yes. Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren vowed to not only make plans to keep her microbiome healthy and boost collagen production, but swore to radically transform the angles of her bangs to better show off her cheekbones. There is also chatter that the $40 million pledge includes funding to help Bernie Sanders wear pants that fit moving forward.
Thanks for the report, Dirk. I look forward to hearing which products work best. I've had severe cystic acne for a decade and I'm ready to find the right nightlight cream that will reduce the swelling in my face so I can see again. Well, best of luck. Here's a problem for our modern times that always gets my goat.
You're walking outside, earbuds in so you can listen to music on your phone, a full moon appears from behind a cloud and suddenly your earbuds slip out and fall to the ground as you transform into a hideous snarling beast. Well, Bose may have a solution to that common nuisance with their new wireless headphones designed to remain in your ears during your transmutation into a werewolf. Here with the details is OPR's chief expert in all things technologically spooky, Andrew Dillard. Thanks, Leslie. Bose debuted their new in-ear headphones, which they're calling WearPods, at a tech conference this week. The manufacturing company touted several features, including the soft silicon tip, which lightly seals the WearPod in place in your ear as you transmogrify into a bloodthirsty wolf monster. And they stay in even as coarse tufts of fur sprout from the listener's ears? That's right. The cone shape was designed to specifically keep the earphones nestled in tight while you tear through your clothes, run on all fours howling through the forest, and devour human prey. Not too shabby. Bose is also praising the WearPod's noise-canceling technology that can drown out even the angriest mob of townsfolk chasing after you into the shadows. Plus, they're clamming a 24-hour battery life, so you can keep rocking out from the time the moon appears in the east to when it mercifully disappears after a cursed night of terror and bloodlust.
Wow, I like everything I'm hearing so far, Andrew, but I think I speak for a lot of folks when I say the real problem is when you accidentally leave your phone behind in the pocket of your shredded pants. Even if your earbuds stay in, your favorite tunes aren't playing through them as you scuttle off into the darkness to hunt and kill. That's an all-too-common problem. The WearPods have a range of roughly 100 meters, which is in line with its primary competition, Apple's Wolfbuds and Sony's Howler line of over-the-ear headphones. So if you're hoping for more than the standard 100-meter failsafe as you stalk human flesh, you're out of luck. As a distance hunter prone to leaving my phone in a pile of my torn clothes, that's a little disappointing.
Well, Bose does have one thing going for it that competitors don't. We tested the WearPods against the Apple and Sony versions and found that Bose offered the most versatility when it comes to staying in the ear of several types of shapeshifters. Whether you're a vampire shrinking into a tiny bat or a witch transfiguring into a cat, WearPods stay put the best. I remember when Apple introduced their Wolfbuds, there were lines down the block of fanboy lycanthropes eager to purchase the product. Has the response been similar for WearPods? Well, I dropped by at Best Buy at the latest full moon to speak with consumers who had pre-ordered the earbuds. Here's a clip. I tried a bunch of different headphones, but every full moon, I managed to lose them. These ones are expensive, but I hope they work for me!
Sounds like a bloodbath. It was. But I connected with the man a few days later via Twitter, and he said the wear pods were incredibly comfortable and, most importantly, stayed in place during the duration of his pursuit and eventual slaughter of the man we heard in the recording. Sounds like a success story.
Thank you, Andrew. Thank you.
Hear that? That's the sound of a rock hard erection that you can only get from the performance-enhancing chewables at BlueChew.com. With the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, the chewables from BlueChew work faster so you can last longer.
And here's a great deal for you guys. Visit BlueChew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code Topical. Just pay $5 shipping. That's Blue. B-L-U-E-Chew.com. Promo code Topical. So you can chew it and do it.
I probably shouldn't have taken these at work. Well, there's the analysis and takes on today's top stories that you can vomit back at your peers later tonight like they're your own. Here's what else you need to know today.
Amy Klobuchar is under fire today for breaking Pete Buttigieg's nose after mistaking him for one of her aides. Klobuchar apologized to Buttigieg in a statement, saying the former South Bend mayor closely resembled a staffer whom she whips a lampshade at every night to decompress.
Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin spent another long day in his office polishing the nation's coins. Mnuchin reportedly doesn't mind the arduous task of shining each and every penny, nickel, dime, quarter, half dollar, and even a few silver and Sacagawea dollars, calling it a satisfying job that, quote, someone's got to do, so it might as well be me.
And just outside of Philadelphia, Roxboro Memorial Hospital announced today that they've left a large pile of extra organs outside on the curb of the emergency room. The hospital says the extra organs are no longer needed and can be collected on a first come, first served basis, so don't miss out. I might have to go grab a few extra myself.
Well, that'll do it for today's episode of The Topical. Today's episode was produced by Maria Caper, Deshaun Monk, and Jonathan Renard.
And not by Rebecca Jackson, who called into OVR sick today but is actually playing hooky and taking a spa day. Sorry to narc on you like that, Bex, but you should have known better than to trust me with that information. Just because you think we're cool again doesn't mean we are. The water is very much not under the bridge, and that's on you for assuming otherwise.
So fuck you. See you tomorrow. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_260_Tom_Nash | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome to the Batooter Advocate radio show. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate and we've got Errol Parker here, editor at large.
Now today's guest is one I've been wanting to talk to ever since I guess the world shifted off kilter a couple of years ago and we all started talking about words like resilience and you know, New York strong, that was a big one or pulling together. Today's guest I guess is an expert on all those things well before we were required to by public health orders. He's a speaker, he's a storyteller, he's a vagabond, Tom Nash, thank you for joining us. Thank you so much for the invitation, I'm really excited to be here.
Now you've spoken to way bigger audiences than just the two of us here. Well I mean it's not really a case of quantity is it or quality? Well I don't know, you've got two punters. Yeah I've spoken to more people than you but I don't know you well enough to say if I've spoke to better people than you.
Yeah like how beautiful, we'll try and impress. But I guess we'll find out over the next half an hour or so.
So I wanted to go back to what were you doing as a young man, what were you studying as a young man before everything changed for you? Were you an orator in any way or what were you thinking of doing with yourself as a 19 year old Sydney Uni student before you had to start learning about things like resilience and pulling together? I had about as much idea what I wanted to do with my life as I guess any 19 year old does. I was pretty much obsessed with music so I was a guitarist and I just loved playing music. I wasn't in a band or anything like that, I think I had a lot of self apprehension I guess about taking music further than my bedroom and I had a couple of little gigs that I played here and there when I was playing guitar just like little you know you'd go to a 50th birthday of a friend's father or a small restaurant where you'd be playing like Eagles songs to 60 year olds or something like that but never confidence in the sense that I felt like I could take my own music and write a band and things like that. At the time I was also studying, I was actually studying a Bachelor of Science and Psychology at Sydney University but I'd chosen that degree because I had an interest in the human condition but I didn't really need to feel like I was going to apply it vocationally in any sense down the road. I think for many people it's just kind of expected that that's what you do after high school you go to university and so if you don't have any idea of where you're going you just pick something that you're interested in and hope that it doesn't bore you to death. That actually sounds like you're professionalising being a musician. A great songwriter is interested in the human condition but if you've got a family that kind of expects tertiary education you can't just go and smoke billies and write songs.
No absolutely yeah and I worked in a pub as well at the time because I mean this was back so I'm talking year 2000 2001 where you could convincingly move out of home at the age of 18 and be able to afford to rent on your own while being at uni and just have a job on the weekend and you know not to say like it was tight but it's not like these days where you kind of oh you'll be living at home till 40 so yeah or you'll be living with six mates and you'll hear your 42 year old neighbours having sex. And you could still enjoy a Marlboro about one and a half metres away from the bar. Yeah that's right or you could I think you could smoke in bars. Yeah you just had to be that far away you know. Yeah I can't believe you remember that legislation that's interesting. I smoked rolly cigarettes so I was like I could afford that everywhere. There's no way I could have lived the way I lived in nowadays. No you'd almost need to be on like 140 and working at Microsoft wouldn't you? Yeah that's right while studying your degree yeah so yeah my basic outline of my life at that point was I would go to uni during the week I'd work in a pub on the weekends and my passion would be playing the guitar.
And so about halfway through that about 2001 I had a day where I ended up feeling really sick like I had a flu or something like that yeah I was at uni at the time and I went I went straight home and I put myself to bed and then by the time I woke up the next day through a horrible evening of sort of waking up being half asleep and half awake and dragging myself to the bathroom to vomit and running hot water on myself and passing out in the shower I woke up and I texted my stepsister and I said I think you need to take me to the doctor and by the time she got to my place maybe 20 minutes later she took a look at me and I had a purple rash all over my face and everywhere that she could see on my body and it turned out I'd contracted meningococcal disease. And it's one of these touch-and-go diseases where if you presented to hospital 10 minutes earlier you might have been significantly better off such that you have less things amputated but if you're 10 minutes later you'd be dead.
Which creates a really interesting relationship between you and the concept of luck. Yeah for sure. Because you're kind of like are you unlucky for this to have happened or are you lucky to be alive? It's kind of a moot point in a way.
Yeah it is it's far more touch-and-go than say you know something happening to someone on a remote property you know you break a leg on a remote property there's no one around and you kind of look at the factors around that but yeah meningococcal has always been that. Yeah that's an interesting point yeah I met somebody in hospital once who was a rural worker who'd lost her arm in a tractor accident and I think she said the same thing she said it was like it was hours before she was attended to. So how does one contract the meningococcal virus? Is there certain sort of risk factors like are there things in the environment that you shouldn't touch? Not really it's contracted in a very similar way to COVID I think you know via saliva just a lot more rare yeah and to my understanding a lot of people actually carry it naturally but aren't affected by it and sometimes those two people the person that's susceptible I guess you would say it comes into contact with somebody who has it but is unaffected by it and their immune system is at a particularly low level that they aren't able to fight it themselves then they can be at risk. There is a vaccine for it now came out a couple of years after I got it Hey I was doing it before it was cool yeah just keep that in mind yeah but yeah I think vaccinated people don't need to worry about it too much these days although please don't take medical advice from me yeah yeah I feel like one of those guys that offers financial advice on YouTube this is not personal advice please gamble responsibly yeah the upshot of that was that I spent the next 18 months in hospital and they had to amputate both my legs just below the knee to stop the sepsis from spreading and killing me and then a couple of weeks after that they had to amputate my arms as well at the elbow which apart from being the obvious loss of independence and pain and tragedy and all that sort of stuff it also signified a great loss of independence in terms of being able to play the guitar which was my one creative outlet and so I spent the next 18 months in hospital in a rehab situation and rehab environment or yeah the first six months was not in rehab that was you know having things chopped off me and and dealing with a lot of skin damage that I had so I was spent most of my time in the in the burns unit in Concord because they treat yeah skin like burns yeah right and then a year after that in a rehabilitation hospital and that's where I you know started the very slow process of learning to walk using prosthetics and getting some sort of an arm prosthetic whatever that ended up looking like to be able to complete basic tasks like drinking eating and picking things up like drinking and smoking and in fact those were the first two things okay for a bit I wasn't able to walk and so I was in an electric wheelchair so I'd had a makeshift arm that was able to push the wheelchair indeed that was the first thing that I learned how to do with a prosthetic arm attachment because there was a sense of independence and liberty about that I guess being the master of your own destination as it were and then the second thing was learning how to smoke again yeah so did you have to move on to the town smokes did you learn how to roll no I was straight on to tailor-made I want to ask about that independence thing because you're actually you were I mean you were living at a home just before it happened but 19 is an age where you're like what does independence feel like you're in the middle of a transition anyway you know you're not far from from living in the nest do you reckon that probably helped you with your transition into this the age you were do you think that helped you be prepared to tackle this new life because you were already young and kind of looking at what was out there in the world you kind of you're already in that mindset I don't know much about this world so I don't definitely know much about this world missing four limbs as opposed to it's an interesting age to contract something like this because I remember learning that there were three key age groups for meningococcal and you know one was infants the other was teenagers or adolescents specifically around my age mainly due to lifestyle reasons like you would be more likely to let's say share a drink or share a cigarette with somebody and and then the third age group was people around the age of 50 or sort of middle-aged 50 of 60 yeah of whom I actually met somebody at that age they've got a similar disease and I think they're interesting ways of looking at them from different age groups because I think when you're older you're so set in your ways that you feel like you've lost more yeah and so it could arguably be more difficult and when you're an infant I think you know obviously it's tragic but often infants that grow up having lost limbs adapt to them a lot better and that's all they ever know yeah yeah or they would hardly remember you know having an actual limb and for me I'm somewhere in between that where I'd lived 19 years being able-bodied and then all of a sudden have to had to switch to disability and just see how I like the size of that so I'm not sure whether specifically the independence of living alone really did much I think it was quite typical for people of my age around that time yeah but certainly being that age would make you physically more robust I guess than immunocompromised people at an older age who would find it more difficult to fight a disease like that so what was the response from your mates like I mean I know it sounds like your mates were taking you in your motorized scooter to the pub to drink schooners but you know where were they at in life and were they you know is that almost the ideal age you know what I mean socially I remember being 19 I had some mates that you know you could remove four limbs and you wouldn't even know like they were sitting at home and they were and they were around and they were hanging so did that was that seamless or was that tricky back to the social aspect of just being around people I was extremely lucky to have a really good group of friends and you don't need a whole lot you know I mean you only need a few key people that are really dedicated and I had a handful that were came in to see me every day and we're all in the same point in our life you know we're all in first year uni and I spent a lot of time with each other some of them I went to high school with and a couple of others I didn't so I was lucky to have that support network because I mean support networks are different if they're friends and family that's one thing to point out because I think you have different conversations with family than you do with friends but just overall having friends and family around it's not just the support that you think on paper would be good but it's also a strange kind of accountability thing as well such that if you've got a lot of people around you rooting for you effectively you feel very much the pressure not to let them down and I think that's a big motivator for people who do have strong support groups around them to actually be able to weather the storm I can see where you're out of that time where you're relearning everything a lot of milestones you got to go through again prosthetics you got to you know you got to do your first steps again how long after that did you start thinking about operating beyond adversity how long did you think it's no longer about this in what I do day to day well that's an interesting question I guess you know adversity in a way is is a constant of course I had the big challenges of walking and becoming independent and doing things like that but adversity is there for everyone and it's there always there are always challenges presenting themselves so I don't think it's a case of there being a you know out of the woodsy flagged fall type part of your life but using the techniques to be able to take on challenges in a better way in a different way to what you might have if not having gone through that stuff is really the key mental change that I had to make and a lot of it is to do with just realizing that I had to do everything differently to what I did before I had to solve problems differently a lot of it was vulnerability the idea that you know having been in hospital and constantly been an exposition in a way to many people you deal with vulnerability differently and I find myself less vulnerable now and I don't have as much I guess apprehensions socially I find myself more confident I'm more confident with who I am and then there's even small things like your ability to make iterative processes far more pragmatic in that you just take small steps towards things and focus on those rather than big goals which is something that I might have learned let's say when walking it's an interesting thing right when when learning to walk again with prosthetics you have to actually watch the road in front of you because you have to feel the ground with your eyes to know what the terrain is like and when I was being set all of these walking goals by physiotherapists and they'll be like you know just just keep your eye on the main goal and I'm like instinctually I don't want to do that right what I want to do is I want to watch the road in front of me and while I'm doing that a second-order effect is that I have these small goals that I work towards so I can only see five meters in front and that makes the whole the larger and more macro journey kind of sort itself out yeah and you end up focusing on things that are around you and in your immediate vicinity better than you would if you had this ironically myopic macro view of your end goal sometimes you don't take time to kind of smell the roses that's what I want to ask about smelling the roses right so you said you lost your creative passion your creative outlet in guitar for a while for a while when you got that back did you feel that did that feel you like a like a hit could you smell the roses in that moment when you started making music again absolutely yeah the story about that was I decided that I was going to try to play the guitar with my two prosthetic hooks which might be regarded as any by any same person as ambitious there weren't any YouTube tutorials you could guess you didn't probably start with the lap steel well yeah I ended up there I didn't want to start there and I didn't really end up there what I did was I went through all these different designs that I could use that some of them were like a stamp that would go over a guitar neck that would enact different chord progressions and things by pressing buttons it was it was a really interesting process of trying to design something that would enable me to play the guitar and then through each process I was breaking down in the same way that I would overcome any kind of problem-solving challenge and I ended up with like a almost like a slide that I could hold and then I got an engineer to create one and a pick holder for my hook that felt that fit and converted my old Stratocaster to a lap steel kind of by just raising the action a little bit putting some flat wound strings and open tuning it and yes I was able to play the guitar but I was able to play it almost immediately because I already had the music knowledge yeah so it was just getting around the physicality and obviously there was that rush of of getting that back yeah for sure and being able to ride again and have that creative outlook but what I realized as well was that you know having overcome so much shit up until that point all of my previous you know apprehensions about creating a band and playing live in front of people my own songs seemed to pale in comparison to the challenges that I'd overcome up into that point yeah and therefore I was able to take it further I started a band and we even got studio time and recorded a CD we started playing gigs in public original music we toured in Melbourne I don't think I would have done any of that had I just been playing guitar as an able-bodied person yeah we were yelled on that apprehension for a couple years it would have just been a creative outlet at home I just like to go back and ask you about the transition from rehab to come back in into the matrix what was that transition like I mean like you always knew that day was going to come and you'd have to come back in to the world how did you find that you know it was interesting because you know time feels different at different points in your life and to me it felt like such a long process but in reality when I got out of hospital I first went to live with my mother in the Blue Mountains for about eight months and then I moved out onto my own into a house to live independently that felt like such a long time but you know it was really less than a year from being in hospital yeah to be being living on my own again and it carried with it so many unanticipated advantages like for instance I remember when I moved out of hospital into my mother's place she lived in this small two bedroom kit home in in Mount Victoria and if you can imagine every aspect of a house that would make it easy for a disabled person to rehabilitate and then you inverted all of those attributes yeah you would come close to imagining my mother's house and so it had a really steep pebble driveway that was hard to traverse and it had a an old wooden staircase with large stairs and it was a tiny pokey house and but I realized that it was actually the best place that I could go yeah because if I could do any of that if I could live in that place I could live anywhere yeah and then when I moved out on my own to my own place another thing that I discovered was they typically send to you an occupational therapist when you have a disability and they'll go around your house and they'll be like okay well we can just change everything around to be you know something that you know a disabled person be easy for them to use and instinctively I kind of knew that I wanted as little of this shit as possible because you know I wanted to be able to find the limitations of of my own abilities before I started adapting my environment to me yeah and so and the example I often use is a kettle and you know so they can get you a kettle that you don't have to pick up you just press a button and it tips but then what happens if I'm at someone else's house or if I go traveling you know I want to be able to use any kettle yeah it's like it's like anyone it's like the boyfriend who's never driven a manual ute until he has to move house with his girlfriend precisely yeah yeah having that skill like knowing your limitation of that skill because you know your skills are actually transferable but your environment is transient yeah to even think that you know Mount Victoria looking back you probably didn't like it at the time and I can't imagine how challenging those eight months were but looking back you wanted you wanted it harder you wanted it to be more difficult yeah I wouldn't have said that to you if we were talking at the time but I'm better off for it yeah so then tell us where you kind of start thinking all right well I've got I've developed a way of looking at the world I've developed a way of adapting when did you start thinking I'm in a position to share this not for quite a while actually yeah I never wanted to be one of those people that starts sharing an experience or a viewpoint that I've developed that is woefully underdeveloped and so I kind of wanted to wait until I would I'd been doing stuff for about 10 years to a have something useful to talk about because I don't think it's useful just to say hey I've lost forearms and legs and here I am because that's not very pragmatic but I wanted to be able to have achieved some things first and I wanted to take some time to reflect on you know exactly what that is as a mechanism also how it can be useful to other people so not just that it's something that I've overcome but everyone can sort of feel good about listening to the story and then switch off and forget about it in a week I think that's kind of useless yeah so it wasn't until probably my I'd say mid-30s that I started doing talks and speaking to people and then even that in a process was quite collaborative in the sense that I often find it was a lot like DJing for your listeners who don't know presumably I ended up becoming a DJ but we'll get to that but the DJing process is very much like a conversation where it's not a didactic position right so it ought not to be something that you sit behind the decks and prescribe exactly what everyone should be listening to yeah it's kind of a conversation between you and the audience where and their vibe you know yeah you you feed off them you know what they want you give them what they want and a little bit of something they don't know and speaking is kind of the same in the way that over the years of doing it you start to learn what resonates with people and what doesn't and so it's not a case of just being like okay it's fine to you know tell my story now it's it's a case of you know let's let's see what helps people let's see what resonates with people and I'll just keep telling stories and trying to be as introspective as I can about my own situation and and see what can people other people can actually draw from it that's really I never thought of that public speaking is actually not too different to DJing you know sometimes you surprise them but for the most part you're kind of keeping it a bit safe and comfortable in many aspects too tell us about DJ so you know you're sick of touring as a you know band you decided to mix it up go this jockey digital cdj what are we working with well actually you know the DJing thing was unanticipated like many things in my life I guess and so we were in the band in around I think it was 2004 2005 and as I said we'd been playing in a few venues around Sydney and Melbourne and I was studying at the time sound engineering and then I went on to do music business management and one of the requirements for the course was that I do a few weeks of work experience in a could be wherever you know it could be a music agency or it could be a radio show or what and I had some loose contacts in the nightclub world because I booked these shows and and so I got some work experience in a club in King's Cross at the time Chris who had been my best friend from high school and been through my journey the whole way through hospital and also was in my band he'd started DJing at a friend's party on a Saturday night just kind of rock music one after the other type DJing and I got him down to this to this club to do some late night DJing and I reworked how they ran one of their Thursday nights started booking bands and things like that and and made it really popular and so realized that I had kind of a knack for that and Chris and I were talking about how we'd like to do something on our own because there was no remuneration in situ in that particular instance and there was nothing there was nothing going on like no bar tabs no nothing no yeah yeah no sorry yeah you'd often get a few free drinks but yeah no sort of cash return type thing no because it was still like it was just before we had the tidal wave of Australian EDM like in 2004 like the top of the charts was like what about me you know Black Betty you know and uh are you are you reading that off a thing or are you oh no like I'm just having to cast my mind back this is really tragic that I'm pulling this out my brain rove hosted the arias that year and got on stage with spider bait as they formed Black Betty actually I think the biggest the the biggest song that year was maroon fives she will be loved oh that's a track look probably not what you were curating there and then just a few more years then we come into like the midnight juggernauts they start coming around you know you've got coming into muscles you know yeah well yeah I think a lot of things changed it's interesting you talk about timing because I think we were really lucky in timing in that we ended up starting a club ourselves at the beginning of 2006 yeah right and I think six and seven were that were the golden eras yeah like old school electro kind of stuff yeah and we got lucky with timing where was your club it was at club 77 in sydney yep whoa actually it's still going you know this club oh no yep yeah not in a weekly capacity in about 2018 we moved to doing special events so we now do like halloween and mardi gras and things like that and we dj at other places ministry of sound events and stuff but when we started in 2006 we weren't dj's I certainly wasn't a dj actually my first gig was on our first night because we didn't we didn't frame it around the technical abilities of the dj's yeah because we didn't have any and so we we just framed it around the branding the personalities of the people that were at the club the decorations all of the people that work there the drink specials the posters and people kind of resonated with that it was a kind of carefree attitude they didn't come expecting us to be really good yeah yeah what happened was we developed over the years and we ended up you know getting quite decent at djing which was unanticipated and then it just ended up being a career and that's that's what i've done most of my life you can't do that you can pull off a vibe like if anyone's really look closely at the sex pistols play music they're not that good no no they're horrible I know but like you can really but like it's it's so strange like in australian pub rock you can really see where the high water mark was and where the water started to recede and that was at wave aid so i think that australian pub rock peaked when bernard fanning did uh eevee part two eevee part two yeah that was the absolute high water mark and then from there it receded down and australian edm came up that's interesting i've never really looked into that but yeah i will now that's that's fascinating that was a big day actually they had jet singing eevee part one yeah and they absolutely destroyed the scg for it like they were just like they had so many games here and they had one more game like i think that new south wales had to play the blues there two weeks later and they walked on that pitch and they were like what in god's name has gone on here like they didn't even try to cover it like there's just like there's just like all these caps off bottles fucking darts and like they're just like i thought you were going to say it was something like that did you see that documentary about uh what was it woodstock 99 oh yeah they just burnt the city to the ground yeah i can't believe that ben lee was there it was like hey biscuit catch my disease no he was yeah ben lee was in the newcomer's tent yeah oh i thought you were gonna say he was like the sacrificial goat that they threw to all the rage against the machine fans kid rock uh it's a great era so i mean obviously you were doing something for the kids outside of that you know that kind of nu metal or whatever else was going on in commercial radio anyway and that kind of started pumping more so the transition i want to ask now aside from you know you move into the blue mountains one day and you're missing four limbs and you've got to make that transition into uh you know independence i want to know this because i find this one even more rare to see how do you transition from being a nightclub promoter into normal society so you don't you know you're you're forever cast away with um i don't know the the vagabonds of society i guess but yeah we we also never really thought about ourselves as nightclub promoters because we we just ran an event we ran a party and yeah sure we promoted it to an extent but we're also the face of it and we were the djs and so and that wasn't really done much yeah right so back then save for a few different brands the format was usually that you'd have the event organizer who booked everything you'd have the club promoter they would have promoters underneath them then you would have the djs that would come in and it was a bit of a patchwork quilt whereas we wore all of those hats simultaneously right and so it was almost like coming to our house for a house party except it was in a club yeah yeah yeah oh that sounds like fun yeah it worked people liked it yeah so what are you doing day to day now we're going to come see you are you guys coming to south by southwest yeah we're going to come see you south by southwest sydney yeah do you kind of move towards as you said speaking to audiences and sharing what you you know sharing your pragmatism you know what's the word you use separation of life noise i i don't specifically use that that's in my bio and i never write my own bios because i can't yeah right which is surprising someone else's opinion on what i do yeah yeah well it's good now that we've got ai to do it yeah i should just write all my future keynotes on chat gpt yeah this is what you do day to day yeah so these days i'm doing a lot more speaking than i am djing and that's mainly because i'm now 40 yeah and it's not a physical challenge i guess i still do dj from you know a few times a year or something i just lack the ability to have those kinds of conversations in nightclubs anymore so i can't you know bring myself to do that but i but i can in in events like south by southwest and obviously in the keynote environment and i'm also writing a book which is going to be out in september this year called hook line and sinner oh god we've got three four puns here man that's right so i've got that coming out in september and then the month later we got south by southwest which i think i've been looking forward to more than any event i've got coming on the horizon that's going to be a fantastic week so i'll get to see you guys there in person yeah yeah i will have to say good day well we look forward to seeing you down there tom thank you for joining us today and uh what a great yarn i i can't wait to hear you actually on stage waxing as opposed to um trying to navigate the dry uh western queensland i guess you'd say interviewing tactics that we've applied to you today yeah well actually i'm excited about this talk because and i've given this talk in a few small uh areas before but it's about universal design so it's it's kind of a little bit different to what we've been talking about the you know anti-vigilio i guess is a word that i would use for it people often use resilience but i don't think that's correct but um this is about universal design because as you know south by southwest is very sort of tech forward and tech focused and future thinking yeah and so this topic is you know how universal design can benefit the broader population and what universal design is it's designing when optimizing for a person's specific needs yeah so a very easy example is you know you have cutouts in curbs yeah and they were designed for people in wheelchairs now that has gone on to benefit parents with prams and strollers and kids with skateboards and things like that door handles rather than uh circular doorknobs are used for people with reduced motor capacity or whatever it is or kids escaping from burning buildings yeah but also useful to any able-bodied person to open it with their elbow if they're holding a tray of lattes to the office right yeah and so i have this deep interest in how innovating for universal design actually helps the wider population yeah that is and it's not literally just accessibility i know those um down in uh the waverly council in bondi the um the stop go buttons were automated for the jewish community on the sabbath so they couldn't engage with technology and then all of a sudden that was the system that got rolled out across the country for covered 19 social distancing we had the automated stop go button yeah i'm gonna get you to send me a link on that because i'd love to read more about it yeah but that that is interesting uh what you're talking about universally it kind of actually eliminates the the idea of accessibility or yeah or tailored accessibility it just becomes good design it just becomes good design that's it i mean and it's not just limited to the physical world right because if you think about a lot of the technology that we use these days things like um speech to text you know or text to speech yeah were initially developed for people that needed it but then everyone uses it i can't tell you how many people i see you know if i go to a bar and it's crowded and noisy that are watching youtube videos with closed captions on yeah for sure for sure and also you know most of my friends will use accessibility features on their iphone yeah which which i always say is kind of like the technological equivalent of parking in the disabled spot yeah so that's gonna be really fun it's gonna be a really fun presentation i hope you guys can make it for that the more i think about it the more everything works right like i mean audiobooks weren't yeah weren't initially made for people who didn't like reading yeah there are so many innovations that are downstream of this kind of design that i think it's a really good way for individuals and companies to think about how they can innovate using this as a mechanism yeah terrific mate we look forward to it we'll see you down there yeah i'll see you there take care |
cracked | when_nerd_worlds_collide_fantasy_football_vs_larp | They're running back or receiver in my flex spot? Yeah. Hey buddy. What is that?
Why do you sound like you're in slow motion or? Sorry about something. Sue. We're sorry about being in slow motion.
Alright. Why don't I just get a text from you? That's my username and password. I kinda need you to put my line up in for me. Really Cody? What was the last thing I said to you on Friday? Make sure that your line up is in.
Yeah. And I said, the final solution has got this one in the bag, man. Yeah. Okay, you're right.
I should have known. Your trash talk sounds like it was written by a German ESL student. The thing is like five seconds after I left the office I got sucked into this Matrix ARG. It's an alternate reality game and you. You might even like it. I don't care. Man, if I even think about logging into my computer, they'll find me. I legitimately can't tell if what you just said means you've gone completely crazy.
But, I'm gonna put your line up in for you. And do you know why? Because I vouched for you, Cody. Because my friends needed an extra spot filled and I said that you could do it after I asked you if you played fantasy and you said yes. I do play fantasy.
Oh, and here's a surprise. You don't even have a running back. Or a defense. And you have two kickers. One of whom is a punter.
Maybe. Cody, one of your nerd friends is here. Tell him that if he touches me, I'm gonna force feed him every single one of the action figures on your desk. Kind of sounds like you already told him that. Yeah. Hey, he'll do that. Okay, I've replaced pretty much your entire team.
What about Zoltan? Except Zoltan Mesko. Zoltan Mesko! Zoltan...
Wait, are you in the office? Gotta go! Okay. Guess what, Cody? Zoltan must go! Yeah! Okay! |
cracked | disturbing_things_surgeons_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | If you think about it, surgery is kind of insane. Hey there, stranger. Some other strangers told me you're pretty smart, so go ahead and cut me open with all the knives you have. I'll go to sleep while you do it. Here's all the money I will ever make. But actually, it's even weirder than that. Sorry.
If your heart stops beating, we'll say, well, he's dead in seconds, so no point being delicate. And then we'll have no problem ripping your ribs open with a claw hammer if we have to. We know that either your heart sac is full of blood or your heart has a god-shaped hole in it. If it's the heart sac, we'll dash it open with a pair of scissors. If it's a hole, we'll plug it with our finger and then run alongside you to the operating room. Or just staple it back together. Be glad that I don't have a lightsaber lying around, because you better believe I would go to town with one of those.
Also, after some plastic surgeries, reconstructed areas of the body get incompetent veins, which is bad because the function of veins is to bring blood back to the heart. So if they're not working, then the veins say, fuck it, and toss blood wherever, like some lazy teenager coming home from school. The arteries don't really have an off option, so blood piles up in that one spot until the pressure of it kills all the cells it's trying to bring nutrients and oxygen to.
But thankfully, that's what we have leeches for. One way to alleviate all this bloody pressure is good old-fashioned blood flooding. And the best way we have to do that is to stick a handy medical-grade leech onto you. Once, one of our leech delivery boys called in sick, so I had to drive my own car out to the leech farm and pack it full of those vampire slugs. Someone's life was depending on me turning my hybrid into a blood wagon, so I stepped up to the plate and took several pounds of leeches for the tea.
I will never sleep again. A couple hundred years ago, administering anesthetics was just a polite way of saying getting patients so hammered they didn't care if we cut parts of them off. Oh, cool, and also, oh no. But these days, we can actually erase your damn memory like the men in black.
One time in the ER, we had a guy with a bullet hole in his chest who lost his vitals. That's a polite way of saying he died. So we immediately went full mortal combat, ripping his chest open and messing with his heart until, hey, we brought him back to life. Unfortunately, we brought him a little too back to life, and he opened his eyes to see a resident elbow deep in his organs. Uh, dude?
We gave him a shot of versed and propofol, and he immediately forgot it ever happened. And it's not that uncommon. A lot of surgeries need the patient awake and following orders during the procedure, but we still don't want them to remember any of it because, I mean, Will, would you want to remember it? No, I would not. Speaking of things you don't remember, we probably touched your genitals while you were sleeping.
Is that, is that extra? On the house, actually. Oh, phew.
I mean, look, we're not giving you 100 CCs of medical molestation for nothing. It's just that making sure your bladder is empty is a vital part of most surgeries, since we don't want you pissing all over your innards. And also, it's easier to avoid popping your bladder with a scalpel if it's already deflated. We generally stick a Foley catheter right in where stuff's supposed to come out, and once we're done removing whatever piece of UED necessary, we pull it back up, and you never know the difference. Why has nobody ever told me this?
No time. On a normal day, we start checking in on our patients at 4.30 a.m., followed by a meeting to discuss, you know, all those conversations at 7.30 a.m. If we have 60 patients, which is a conservative estimate, that gives us three minutes per patient, assuming that we also have the ability to teleport from room to room.
That's what I want surgery for. Basically, I avoid anything that's going to unnecessarily protract a conversation, like, say, mentioning that I stuck stuff up your dick hole. Then it just distracts from focusing on more serious and important matters. That's a polite way of saying farts. If we need to cut open your abdomen, more often than not, the trauma causes your digestive system to basically go to sleep. While this is usually harmless, it also means that any food that gets shoved down your gullet is gonna come right back out the same way, possibly all over those brand new stitches lining your stomach.
No one really knows how long it's gonna take your intestines to wake back up. I've seen it take as little as 12 hours and as long as a week. The best way to find out if it's awake again?
Farts. Farts? Again, farts. Farts.
Hi! Hooray! After we hear that you farted, we'll often let out a celebratory cheer because yay, your intestines are awake and you're gonna live.
But it's not only farts that are important, it's pretty much anything your lower half does. If you've peed, we need to know how much. Same with poop, but that could be a little harder. Let's say you have diarrhea and the nurse records 300 in the computer. What's that mean? 300 milliliters of poop? They crap their brains out 300 times on the toilet? The shit they took was so bulky it could've been cast in the movie 300? We can't know. And that's why we have to ask about your poop.
Uh, I guess my poop is okay. Yay! |
SaturdayNightLive | bitch_slap_method_saturday_night_live | The following is a prepaid television commercial. The opinions expressed in this program do not reflect those of this station or its affiliates.
Do you want to save your marriage? I'm Samantha Hawkins and in the next half hour I'm going to tell you about a revolutionary method to save your marriage. You'll hear from couples all over who have benefited from this exciting, new, interactive way to solve relationship problems. Joining me in the studio today are Pete and Donna Longhorn and Deborah and Jodie Preston Welcome Pete and Donna. tell us your story.
We fought all the time, every day about what everything money, money I used to just spend like crazy. Shoes, handbags, Tv sets. I would come home from my job very tired and hungry. always afraid to find out what she bought stuff we didn't need. I was so stressed out about the money we fought. We fought so much. we tried every kind of counseling. nothing worked until we heard about your method. Hold that thought, Deborah and Jodie Problems.
I was at wits end. he was never home. He says he always said he was working late, which was a lie. He would lie right to my face.
I would. I saw your advertisement on Tv and I thought, why not?
It was the best thing we ever did. Okay, so here are two success stories. Now I'd like you to meet the man responsible for this revolution in marriage counseling. My friend and my partner, Dr. Archibald.
Bitch Slap. Tell us about your method. Dr. Bitch Slap. Well, Samantha, I call it the Bitch Slap Method and I think it's absolutely the most effective method for solving any marital problems. Is it difficult to put the Bitch Slap method into practice, You know, I don't think so.
I think if you order the tapes and you sit down and watch them. I believe you will fully understand the method. Deborah Jodi, how long after getting the tapes were you able to start the Bitch Slap method? I would say after watching the tapes.
I started the method right away. she did and it was very effective. I think he's really come around. I have. I love her so much. You know, it's so easy. I think the method should be used every day. Why? I mean, yes, I love you Pete. I see you nodding along. You also had great success with my method. didn't you? It was perfect for me. It works so fast.
How was your marriage today? it's great. she doesn't spend anymore. He's happier. These tapes have so much to offer. here's a sample of what you'll receive if you order the Bitch Slap Method today. My name is Archer Ball Bitch Slap. Is your marriage in trouble? Do you wish to change that? Let me show you how.
Who's your daddy Bitch? Oh, you did not. bitch. You ain't walking out on me. Bitch bitch, Where's my dinner Bitch. Don't talk to me that way.
Be out. The tapes are simple, direct, and so easy to understand. There's even a companion booklet that lets you read alone. When we come back, more couples share their amazing experiences with the Bitch Slap method and Dr. Archer Ball Bitch Slap will demonstrate on me. Oh, yes, I will and I'm gonna get you back. Bitch Slap! Your way to a happier image. Order the complete 10 Cds set and you'll receive the companion book for free. Archer Ball Bitch Slap is Not recognized by the Amazing Doctor of anything. |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_living_inside_a_tv_show_after_hours | And then once I'm the rap battle king of Brooklyn, Neil deGrasse Tyson will have to give me his telescopes. Right? Anyway, I figure that's enough for the first day. Okay, so New York for Michael. And then the actual New York on a completely different trip for me.
And then a mountain for sorts. It's not a mountain. I'm free climbing the north face of a fourteener. That's like high-fiving God. Well, fellow God.
Okay, and Dan, your summer vacation is Netflix? Encyclopedias?
I'm seeing the White House. Oh, DC. City of Presidents. Crabcake.gov. Ugly Rome. No, I meant I'm seeing the White House in quotes. You couldn't see them, because this is a spoken conversation. I'm going to Burbank, where they shot the West Wing. They built their own White House there.
It's actually pretty interesting. It actually can't be.
Oh, I want it to be real so bad. I wish I could live there. Who would want to live in an Aaron Sorkin show?
Let's find out! Let's look at those Aaron Sorkin shows. West Wing, Studio 60, Newsroom, Sports Night. Those shows all take place in a world where everyone is 100% clear about what they want. You know what? I really like you, and if you give me your number, I'd like to call you.
No one walks and talks around the bush. All conversations are efficient and direct.
Almost hard to believe. It's almost hard to believe. Almost hard to believe. It's almost hard to believe.
No one has any social grace on those shows, and no one needs to be an expert on recognizing facial cues, because everyone just wandering around, delivering speeches, describing their wants and personalities. Daniel, I know you. You don't want to live in the West Wing. But I'm me. He really is something. You are a sweet, kind IMDB server. A good, long-time friend. Yeah, you're the man, damn bird. So let me tell you, as a friend, how you are under pressure. Queen David Bowie, 1981, album, hot space.
Crash time comes, and you fall apart faster than that car at the end of the Blues Brothers. I mean, Aaron Sorkin's characters are always at Def Con 1, whether they work at the White House or a writing sketch comedy. In his world, every problem is an earth-shattering battle for the soul of America.
It seems to me that more and more we've come to expect less and less from each other. I expect nothing from you!
You host fake sports center! You couldn't pull off permanent hero mode. I mean, after one day in Bartlett's administration, you would be curled up in a book fort under Toby's desk. But his is the saddest desk.
Ready this? Us sitting around a diner table talking about nothing? Yeah, that doesn't happen in the Sorkinverse. There's not enough time because even arguments about stupid sketches in Studio 60 are actually about freedom of speech or some other high-stakes thing that you can't even handle.
Composer, German, 1685.
Hold on, is heroism really a mode for all of you? I guess my people live in Shonda Rhimes shows. Grey's Anatomy, How to Get Away with Murder, Scandal, The Catch. You had me at Anatomy, Scandal, Colon, Murder, Catch, and that's where I belong. The Sorkinverse, where the full feminist spectrum of women and men are life savers, murder solvers, and gladiators in suits.
Also, some white color sex machines. White color sex machines?
Oh, well, forget your dumb show. In Shonda Land, every doctor, lawyer, fixer, and private eye humps fellow, confident, strong people 24-7. I would fit in great. No, you wouldn't. You'd have to break all the rules. No, no, we lay out the rules beforehand. The safe word is Star Wars.
Now, in Shonda Rhimes universe, hard-working professionals are turned into teenagers. You were all 17 years old. This is high school with scalpel. And their very demanding jobs are turned into reality shows. The top student gets this.
Consider this your immunity idol. And then everyone has to cheat to win, stealing police evidence, sexing in hospitals, secretly manipulating the U.S. government. And that's how you rig an election. In Shonda Rhimes shows, powerful people aren't just untrustworthy in the normal way. They're real-world contestants, with our lives in their hands. Oh, yeah, there was a whole season of scandal where America invaded a country just because fits hearts, Olivia.
Good Lord. I would be the only virile, yet responsible grown-up in all of America. Even the emergency services would crumble. I would literally be putting out fires every day. Yeah, I guess. Because of all the firefighters' sex. I got it. Come on, it's obvious.
Comedies. Who doesn't want to live in a comedy? No, I keep my work at work. Think about it, though. What is a sitcom?
Captain Costello's show. Absolutely fabulous. Accidentally on purpose. According to Jim. It's heaven. It's 100% healthy people living in nice homes. Everything works out at the end. Even homely fellas get a golden ticket to the Poon Train.
It's not a train anymore. We upgraded to a... I mean, nothing.
Also, you can't just pick sitcoms. I'm picking the world of the king of TV comedy, Chuck Lorre. Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men. Oh, yeah. No, I've heard of those shows. Are they funny? They're not. That's the best part.
I'd be the funniest guy on the planet. Imagine my comedic powers in those worlds. I'd be like Superman on Earth or Andrew Dice Clay anywhere in the known universe.
Michael, I didn't know you liked Mom. No, no. We've talked about this. I like Moms. No, Mom, created by Chuck Lorre, follows a single mother and daughter as they grapple with alcoholism, drug abuse, teen pregnancy, cancer, homelessness...
Also, he created Grayson or Fire. That was his first show. And that's about a single mom restarting her life. I'm so proud that you would want to live in female-driven stories.
No, no. Take it back. Also, we're done here. Let's give the wind of Danson.
Well, I would want to live in Dick Wolf's Law and Orderverse, where crimes are always resolved and justice is always served within an hour and with a couple of dun-duns. Yeah. SVU, Criminal Intent, L&L Prime. It's all just New York with crimes ripped from the headlines. It's like an ongoing, alternate version of New York City. A New York that catches every bad guy. Bad guys who are secretly fun comedians. Oh, Chevy Chase in jail where he belongs. Yeah, Dick Wolf also wrote Chicago Med, Chicago PD, and Chicago Fire, which means that he took America's most violent city and made it a place where emergencies get solved promptly. By beautiful people, he built the perfect world. It also crosses over into a bunch of other TV worlds. Munch alone started out on Homicide Life on the Streets before bells ring over into SVU and then he even pops up in X-Files, The Wire, and Arrested Development.
Photocopies are not admissible as memories. Great. Let's focus on the fun facts.
In Dick Wolf's world, Olivia Benson is real. Actually, the crossover means that she's not real. It means that she is some autistic boy's dream. Please. She is every boy's dream.
In 1988, the last episode of St. Elsewhere revealed that the entire show was happening in the imagination of autistic snow globe owner Tommy Westfall. He sits there all day long in his own world staring at that toy. What's he thinking about?
And according to the internet, St. Elsewhere characters crossed over into other shows, which then crossed over into other shows, until they made the whole TV show world one universe. Every show that we talked about today is part of the same dream world. So all of our favorite TV writers are just writing episodes of St. Elsewhere without knowing it. Everyone's creating anything.
So none of us win. Or maybe we all win. Then I would win. I win! No, no, no. We can't all win.
That's like a participation trophy. And participation trophies ruin soccer in America.
Okay. Well, if we're going to keep going, we should back up a little. We skipped over the most important thing. Yes, Michael. His name is Dick Wolf. Which would make his shows dick pics. Sort of. No one calls TV shows pics. No. Dick flicks. I feel like we're missing the wolf part too. Wolf content. Wolf cock. Don't mind if I do. |
dropout | tickets | You were supposed to do this one. Ah, my dad. Bad. Hey, where are you? Good, good, man. How are you? I said, where are you?
I'm fine. I'm better than fine, actually. I'm great.
Hey, can you do me a flavor? No, I said flavor instead of favor. But can you go into my drawer and pull out one of the pieces of paper that's there?
Wow, these are a lot of reckless driving tickets. Okay, can you go like five minutes without editorializing? Sorry, but I'm just saying. Seriously, I was talking to Sarah, and we both agree that you never say anything plainly. You always have to have the last word, and it gets really tiring. Okay, I'm going to hang out. Can you find one that says, oh, good driving, sir.
We owe you $1,100, and please do it without adding your two cents for once. Okay, there's one that says you owe them $1,100. That's not it. Keep looking. Keep looking for the one where it says they owe me the cash. Just before I keep looking, police don't do that.
Like, is that a fact, or is this another case of the jakes where you just keep on talking to hear the sound of your own voice? Because honestly, if it's the latter, then you- It's fact. Bitches and cream, that blows. You have tickets. You owe the police money. A lot of money. Fudge. Sickles. Anyway, how's your weekend? It's Tuesday afternoon. Good, good.
Yeah, mine was bad. Really bad, actually. I got arrested for doing 90 and a zero. A zero? Well, there's no sign or anything, but it was a freaking kindergarten, so yeah, I think you're supposed to go zero.
Look, I know this is a small thing to bring up, but before, when you first called, and I said, where are you, and you thought I said, how are you, you said you were good. Okay, please don't do this now, okay? I'm being held without bail, so it'd be really nice just to hear someone say that it's not my fault. I do think it's your fault.
There you go again with a talky talky. You sound like the freaking cop that I punched. Hey, what was the name of that song? I whipped my hair back and forth. Yes, that's the one. Tight. |
SaturdayNightLive | oprah_dr_phil_marriage_counselor_snl | Today Dr. Phil confronts the pain of an imperiled marriage next.
Okay, I hear there's a woman in the audience who's 92 and it's her birthday. Leela Belle Nolan, Happy Birthday. Leela Belle, what a great name.
Okay, today we're gonna get real with Dr. Phil. he's here to attempt to rescue a troubled relationship. and if anyone can get right to it, tell it like it is in your face. it's Dr. Phil, how are you doing today? I can't complain. Oprah, how you doing? He can't complain. Why can't all men be as easy as this guy?
Now Ken and Dara Osborne are here. Dara feels something's missing from their marriage. That's killing it. is that right, Dara? mm-hmm Oprah, after nine years of marriage, a great sex life, and two beautiful children, I truly felt blessed. But last week, Ken did something to ruin our wedding anniversary that I don't know if I can forgive him for. And now our love seems lifeless.
Ken, I'm gonna show you where the rubber meets the road and assume that you want to get behind the wheel. now your wife's in pain, how does that make you feel? It makes me feel bad. I love her, I try to tell her that, but I can't seem to make her happy. I don't know what a problem is. Buddy, I got news for you. you don't want to hide a Mars bar in your sleeping bag when there's a bear outside the tent. mmm, a light bulb moment. Dr. Phil, do y'all hear that? Yeah. Dara, Ken, I want you to turn your chairs and I want you to face each other and look each other eye to eye. I want you to do that for me. I mean folks, marriage isn't magic folks, it's managed, Okay? Now, Dara, I want you to describe the pain that Ken has caused you. I feel unloved and unpretty, like I'm just, you know, going through the motions of being a wife and a mother. Is that all there is? Now Ken, tell me why you look so darned upset right now. it's because I love Dara so much, that's why I married her, I don't know. What is it? What the hell were you thinking? if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, Am I right? Thank you. Ken, it's like this,: You cannot eat at the Chinese buffet if there's no duck sauce. you cannot eat at the Chinese buffet if there's no duck sauce. Dr. Phil, you are a modern-day Confucius. Look, I'm willing to, I'm willing to accept my responsibility for whatever it is that I'm doing wrong. Oprah, Dr. Phil, can't you just help me and my wife be happy? Let me just speak to the audience for a second, let me just speak to the audience.
When you're hungry for a corn dog, a midget with a butcher knife doesn't dance, does he? When you're hungry, I'm not hungry for a corn dog, I'm not hungry for a corn dog. Dr. Phil, I don't think he's hungry for a corn dog. Oprah, what I'm trying to say is, if you want to get real, then don't put a horseshoe inside a pillow. ain't that the truth?
Dara, what are you feeling right now? Well, I feel, you know, last week we planned our ninth wedding anniversary dinner and he was two hours late and he didn't even call. I was late for dinner because I'm a fireman, Okay? there was a fire, I was fighting a fire.
I fell down to shaft, Okay? I was in the shaft.
You just don't get it, do you? you just don't get it. you're capable of saving complete strangers, But there's a fire right here. it's a four-alarm fire in your wife's heart and you can't even slide down the pole, can you? Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to face it to replace it. Am I right, Audience? Ken, the horses are out of the barn, Buddy. do you have anything else to say? I don't get this.
I was a little late for dinner. You just don't get it, do you? I was late for dinner, Okay? I was in the shaft. you just love to talk, don't you, Buddy? I just. you're all about excuses, aren't you? I was late to dinner, but. honey, I'm sorry that I was late for dinner, but I want to make it up to you.
I've got us tickets. luxury tickets on a cruise to the Bahamas. The Bahama. The Bahama. you just don't get it, do you? you just don't get it. Dr. Phil, you've done it again. we'll be right back with remembering your spirit, after this. |
SaturdayNightLive | pre_super_bowl_pre_game_preview_snl | Alright, football fans, this is the pre-super Bowl, pre-game preview. And we're all pretty excited about the Big Showdown tomorrow in New Orleans. Yes, Bill, it will definitely be the highlight of the football season. I would say it was the highlight of the entire sports year, Jessica. No, it's the highlight of the entire year, period. it's got to be the game of the decade, maybe even the game of the century. probably the event of the century. Well, I can only add that tomorrow's game will really be the game for all eternity. the highlight of human history. and civilization, Bob. right you are, Jessica.
And now let's take a look at some Super Bowl's past. football is often compared to ballet. and it's true. you take a ballet and you remove the music and the dancing and you replace it with passing, running and scoring points. And the resemblance is uncanny. it is exactly like a ballet, except that one is a game and the other isn't. And there are no cheerleaders for ballet. Also, one is on a field and the other is on a stage. Yes, but the Superdome is indoors, so they're both indoors. right, of course. it is like ballet.
Well, whether or not football is a classic, eternal art form remains to be seen. But one thing this sport clearly does is build character and instill moral values. And on that note, Bill, I can only say Vince Lombardi, Saint on Earth. Well, I don't think that anyone can argue that apart from drugs, violence and cheating involved, football is the best place to learn moral values outside a monastery. But Jessica, to say that football is the great moral and religious teacher of our youth, is really to trivialize it. what football is, is a metaphor for life. Oh, that's so true, Bill. in life, you need a game plan. you call your signals and you run your plays. you've got to be careful not to fumble the ball or you'll get benched. But if you get it, you can go all the way. isn't it strange how much football is like that, too?
Oh, that's so right, Bill. this game tomorrow means a lot to all of us, not because of the superb match of talent we're going to see, but because each one of us personally has bet an awful lot of money on it. Well, I know that's true for me, Frank, and I bet it goes for most of our viewers as well. We hope you've enjoyed this in-depth probe of tomorrow's Super Bowl. We hope you'll tune in tomorrow to watch this historic contest between the Raiders and the Chargers. Oh, that's Dallas, Bill. no, no, it's Eagles. whatever. we'll be back right after this message. |
dropout | hardly_working_adult_outbreak | No, I think my favorite parts are the ones that go like... Well, agree to disagree, Emily.
Hello, everyone. Whoa! Look at Mr. Buttonup over here. Would you come from a wedding or a funeral?
No, I just started thinking, you know, I'm 28, and maybe it's time to start dressing like an adult. You know? No, no. I don't know. That's stupid. Yeah, get out of here, you dumb boring. Why don't you go build a 401K? Yeah. I just have to be fresh about it. Who grows up on purpose?
Seriously.
Anyway, you guys still down to meet up in the woods later? Blow up some old fruit with fireworks. Oh, sorry, I can't. The wife and I have a dinner party. Oh, you guys should come, though. It's bring-your-own-ap-night.
Oh, God. Adam, what the fuck are you talking about?
I don't know.
I think some of Taz's adultness rubbed off on me. Hey, do you know we get 401K matching up to 6%? Oh, God, help me! Help me! It's contagious! We need to get out of here before Adam turns us into a bunch of boring adults!
What do I do?
You know, you get better interest rates if you keep your savings in a money market account. Think! Guys, we've talked through this exact scenario a thousand times. Right. Break into the 7-11 and drink all the slurpees. Put a microwave in the refrigerator and see if the food stays the same temperature. These are great ideas, but first we have to get out of here.
Right. Okay. Oh, God.
Adam really scratched me. I think it's infected. I guess I'll have to swing by the Dwayne Reed after work and pick up some Neosporin.
But who has time when you're raising two kids? What are you doing? I just figured it was a good time. I mean, Ted's job is stable. I had a lot of vacation time saved up, and let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger. Which... can't we discuss this like adults? Thank God we can use these as weapons. Oh, yeah.
You're scoping out my 9-iron there. Well, I happen to have a coupon. Second bucket is half price at the driving range.
It's no use! Get off my... Get off my nuts!
They're coming for us! Okay, quick! No way out of here. Follow me. You know, the older I get, the easier it is to gain weight and the harder it is to lose it. I get a secret passageway installed in here because secret passageways are awesome. Right, yeah. Ottomans, if you don't have them, what are you doing?
She's creative. She's terrible in school, but it's because she's creative.
Here, lead this. Aries are dead. Oh, no worries. Got plenty of batteries here in the old battery drawer. Oh, no, no, no, no. It was a sale at ShopRite, so I figured why not. Catch! Do you know how many grams of sugar is ever cereal? I mean, really think about it. You know, it's a great time to invest in real estate if you can afford the down payment. Oh, yeah. True. Yeah, but property taxes? Forget it. You can thank the Democrats for that one. |
cracked | 6_iconic_movie_scenes_stolen_from_older_movies | The size of that thing. Oh my goodness. It's big isn't it? Can we really break that?
How many guns you think go five? About 20 guns. How many guns you think are out, Trevor?
A thread of yours. A competitor. He was good. He was very, very good. Trust me.
Most men don't enjoy taking money from women. They don't always smell so good.
How I actually kind of discovered writing dialogue. I would like go and watch a movie and then I could remember. I had good memories. I'd remember the scene. So I'd go home and write the scene down.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish. The path of the righteous man and defender is beset on all sides by the inequities of selfish.
What the fuck are you talking about? That lump of shit's wagging with the LAPD.
This job was well planned. But all those cops showed up. One of us tipped them off.
And you're the guy. Joe, trust me on this. You made a mistake. Who else could have done it? That's your proof? You don't need proof when you have instinct. I ignored it before, but no more. Now you get it. You last drop it and step over.
I'm a cop.
I was doing a scene from Marty. Uh, Petty Chiesky's Martin. He goes, Kat, Quentin, you're as good as Petty Chiesky. Not at all. People don't start off writing things that way. They start off to make a good movie. Kat, Quentin, you're as good as Petty Chiesky. Roll sound. Roll camera and action.
I'm not doing it. Do your own videos. Do you have any idea who my father is? No. Screw this. Screw it. I don't want these nerds subscribing to our channel. You do it.
What's... What's that? Okay. Alright, you and me. We're racing. |
TheOnion | Blanket_Of_Snow_Creates_Illusion_That_Town_Not_A_Total_Shithole | A new teen trend of walking wet and nude couldn't have caught on at a worse time. A man unknowingly purchases a lifetime supply of condoms, and a taxpayer is outraged. And lo, the Lord said unto the Israelites, Look unto the heavens and you shall see a news review program to rival the greatest wonders of the earth. This is the Onion Week in Review.
As a front of dense, frigid air and snow showers brought sub-zero temperatures to much of the country this week, Canton, Ohio residents noted that the blanketing of snow they had received created the illusion that their town was not a total shithole. Residents added that unlike its typical depressing reality, the snow-cloaked town actually looked halfway livable. Canton is usually a miserable little dump, but you know when that first snow fell and covered everything in a layer of white powder, for about five minutes it was like not everything I saw depressed the living fuck out of me. Reports from locals also confirmed that for a brief period, the streets, parks and buildings around them gave the surprising impression of not being a run-down, heartbreaking excuse for a hometown.
In what medical authorities are calling one of the worst ointment complications in White Plains Hospital's history, area girlfriend Caroline Nagler was rushed to the ER this week after suffering an extreme overdose of scented lotion. With a blood lotion level of .45, hospital sources confirmed that Nagler had rubbed onto her body four times the lethal limit of shea butter, green tea cleanses and naturally soothing mineral therapies. You know, even putting aside the sheer level of lotion Ms. Nagler had on her person when she arrived at the ER, this was an especially lethal combination she was using. I mean, she was mixing scented moisturizers, age-defying serums and even some harder stuff like jojoba and essential fruit extracts.
Frankly, she's lucky to be alive. And in science news this week, a study found that this descended from wolves. In other news, Beijing's air solidifies, a Delta Airlines counteragent assures a man he will never see his family again, and a mannequin must think he's some pretty hot shit. They say if you love something, let it go, but how could we possibly leave you behind after being blessed with a relationship as unique and complex as this one? For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | Erin_Bares_It_All_Sex_House_Ep_4 | Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House.
We can't take the garbage outside so it started to really smell. There's something wrong with this pumpernickel. The only thing we got to eat is this pumpernickel bread and now it's all covered in this white mold.
You can still eat that. That's disgusting. That's gotta go. It'll be fine.
Cheese is mold. So is yogurt. It's all over everything. My ferns got white mold once. It's put there by bugs that lay eggs in the mold, kind of like bees. I stash the moldy bread in the room where the heat's on all the time since it's too hot to sleep in there anyway.
Hey sexy, I know you've got some wheat for the store. We've been playing this game Settlers of Catan to kill time and Tara's been all over me.
I'm pretty sure today is the day little J finally gets soaked. I wish they'd let me play. Kind of feel alienated from everybody except Aaron.
Oh you have got to be kidding me. You have got to be kidding me.
I found a camera in the toilet.
So what should we do? Well you can start by doing the nasty all night long. There's a waste of people come on.
That dude was in my fight or flight zone. He's lucky. He didn't get laid out.
Who are you? Come on. You know me. I'm the host. Who is this guy?
He's acting like he's been here all alone. He's like a wax sculpture and he's eerily lifelike, but something is just off. Like there's nothing behind his eyes.
You all have signed up for a competition. Which of you could have the most sex out of anyone in this house? Now here's the problem. Things have been a little dry in here lately, so it's time to lubricate it up with today's fun sexy challenge.
Oh Soren, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Soren Domgard. Soren has been taking sexy shots for both Maxim and FHM. And today we're going to do a sexy photo shoot that you guys will not forget. So I guess we're taking sexy pictures now? Soren Domgard is the hottest thing going right now.
I've heard of him.
All right, everyone in the living room, please. Jay, would you like to be first? All right, Jay, kill it.
Come on, man. Come on.
Yeah. Okay. All right, Jay, you know what? We're fine. It's your time to shine. Okay.
Derek, man, you're like a wet fish. Why don't you have some fun?
Come on. Good. He's going to go change. That's fantastic. Okay. You guys, you got to get into this just a little bit, all right?
I wouldn't have sex with any of you right now. So all of a sudden, Derek starts drawing this guy on his head. I'm no longer taking a part in the filming. I've drawn the Muslim prophet Muhammad on my forehead. The toilet camera was the last straw. If we're not going to be respected, I'm opting out.
No film.
That's great. Allahu Akbar. Muhammad Sex House.
Okay, let's just keep going, shall we? Okay, America doesn't really want to see that.
Bend her over. A couple of fingers, right? Right in her mouth.
Go ahead. You okay with this? Just do what he says.
Fantastic. Yeah, you are a powerful sex god.
Everyone's just sulking around, but I was born to exhibit myself. Me and Tara snuck off to have sex to get it over with. Get the fuck out of here.
Do you mind? What are you doing? Don't touch your face. We all know that you're both here because you will obviously fuck each other. What? Get on it.
Then that loud rat face came in, and we started thinking that some casting person thought that we would fuck, like boom. This is fucked up. I felt like I was watching Tara from the outside, and I was sad what was happening to Tara.
Hey guys, can you help me hang up this banner of Muhammad with a dick in his mouth? Absolutely bro.
So let's introduce some sexy food into the mix. I didn't even realize how hungry I was until I saw all of that honey.
What? Erin, if you could step forward. I know you want the honey, but you only get it if you stop moping. I don't know what they see in Erin. I am just as pretty, and I'm better at making a moment of insertion space. Frank, go clean up your mess. Erin.
Don't worry, don't worry. I'm not here for sex.
We're two good people here that just got caught up in kind of a strange situation, and I just need you to tell me that I'm a good person. You got me pregnant. Are you sure it's mine? Erin's pregnant?
God damn, that's cold. I guess Erin's not the shiny new penny she used to be. This is a disaster. This is good.
Punch out your belly for me. Nothing sexier than a proud pregnant.
Show me where your baby lives. Who's hiding a baby?
Next week on Sex House. Great news.
Your father made it through that bout of bladder cancer, and he's going to be just fine. My father had bladder cancer?
Guys, I just want to tell you we are really sorry that that hobo broke in. Who are you? Does it not occur to you that you shackled the house's only black guy?
Sexy banana pass. The sexy games are feeling a little forced. You're all gonna chew up a banana, you're gonna regurgitate it into this bucket, and then Erin is going to drink from it. You guys, you gotta get into this just a little bit, alright? I wouldn't have sex with any of you right now.
So all of a sudden, Derek starts drawing this guy on his head. I'm no longer taking a part in the filming, I'm drawing the Muslim prophet Muhammad on my forehead.
The toilet camera was the last straw.
I want to be respected.
I'm opting out. No film, no film.
Allah hu rah rah. Muhammad Sex House.
Okay, let's just keep going, shall we? Okay, America doesn't really want to see that.
Bend her over. Couple of fingers, right? Right in her mouth.
Go ahead. You okay with this? Just do what he says.
Fantastic. Yeah, you are a powerful sex god. Uh. Stop it. You are totally the hottest.
Me and Tara snuck off to have sex to get it over with. Get the fuck out of here.
Do you mind? What are you doing? We all know that you're both here because you will obviously fuck each other. What? Get on it.
Then that loud rat face came in and we started thinking that some casting person somewhere thought that we would fuck. Like boom. This is fucked up. I felt like I was watching Tara from the outside and I was sad what was happening to Tara.
Hey guys, can you help me hang up this banner of Muhammad with a dick in his mouth? Absolutely. So all of a sudden, Derek starts drawing this guy on his head.
I'm no longer taking a part in the filming. I'm drawing the Muslim prophet Muhammad on my forehead. The toilet camera was the last straw. If we're not going to be respected, I'm opting out.
No film. That's great film.
Muhammad's sex house.
Okay, let's just keep going, shall we? Okay, America doesn't really want to see that.
Bend her over. Couple of fingers, right? Right in her mouth.
Go ahead. You okay with that? Just do what he says.
Fantastic. Yeah, you are a powerful sex god.
Everyone's just sulking around, but I was born to exhibit myself. Uh. Me and Tara snuck off to have sex to get it over with. Get the fuck out of here! Do you mind? What are you doing? We all know that you're both here because you will obviously fuck each other. What? Get on it. Then that loud rat face came in and we started thinking that some casting person somewhere thought that we would fuck. Like boom. This is fucked up. I called Tara from the outside and I was sad what was happening to Tara. What are you doing?
Hey guys, can you help me hang up this banner of Muhammad with a dick in his mouth? Absolutely bro.
So let's introduce some sexy food into the mix. I didn't even realize how hungry I was until I saw all of that honey.
Come on. Erin, if you could step forward. I know you want the honey, but you only get it if you stop moping. I don't know what they see in Erin. I am just as pretty and I'm better at making a moment of insertion face. Frank, go clean up your mess. I wasn't so hungry until I saw all of that honey. Come on. Erin, if you could step forward. I know you want the honey, but you only get it if you stop moping. I don't know what they see in Erin. I am just as pretty and I'm better at making a moment of insertion face. Frank, go clean up your mess. Erin. Don't worry, I'm not here for sex.
We're two good people here that just got caught up in kind of a strange situation and I just need you to tell me that I'm a good person. You got me pregnant. Are you sure it's mine? Erin's pregnant?
God damn, that's cold. I guess Erin's not the shiny new penny she used to be. This is a disaster. This is good.
Punch out your belly for me. Nothing sexier than a proud pregnant.
Show me where your baby lives. Who's hiding a baby? Next week on Sex House.
Great news, your father made it through that bout of bladder cancer and he's going to be just fine. My father had bladder cancer?
Guys, I just want to tell you we are really sorry that that hobo broke in. Who are you? Does it not occur to you that you shackled the house's only black guy?
Sexy banana pass. The sexy games are feeling a little forced.
You're all going to chew up a banana, you're going to regurgitate it into this bucket and then Erin is going to drink from it. Erin.
Oh, no. Don't worry, don't worry, I'm not here for sex.
We're two good people here that just got caught up in kind of a strange situation and I just need you to tell me that I'm a good person. You got me pregnant. Are you sure it's mine? Erin's pregnant?
God damn, that's cold. I guess Erin's not the shiny new penny she used to be. This is a disaster. This is good.
Punch out your belly for me. Nothing sexier than a proud pregnant.
Show me where your baby lives. Who's hiding a baby? Next week on Sex House.
Great news, your father made it through that bout of bladder cancer and he's going to be just fine. My father had bladder cancer?
Guys, I just want to tell you we are really sorry that that hobo broke in. Who are you? Does it not occur to you that you shackled the house's only black guy?
Sexy banana pass. The sexy games are feeling a little forced. You're all going to chew up a banana, you're going to regurgitate it into this bucket and then Erin is going to drink from it. |
SaturdayNightLive | george_w_bush_explains_his_deal_with_china | We interrupt this program in order to bring you the following address from the President of the United States. good evening, my fellow Americans. As all of you are aware, exactly one week ago, the Chinese government seized and refused to surrender a U.s. Navy Ep-3 surveillance plane, along with its crew of 24. what followed was six days of intense, round-the-clock negotiations with Chinese officials in an attempt to resolve this situation. Unfortunately, these efforts were unsuccessful. Finally, early this evening, I made a bold decision to meet with the Chinese President, Jiang Zemin alone, one-on-one. No Dick Cheney. No State Department officials. no military advisors. no International law specialists. no China scholars. no translators. just the two of us, face-to-face, mano-a-mano, and to keep at it until we work this thing out. That was the breakthrough. In less than 20 minutes, President Jiang and I had signed an agreement. an agreement, I'm proud to say, that both averts an international crisis and leaves American honor and dignity intact. Here are its chief's points. Number one,: the United States government sincerely, profusely, and objectively apologizes to China for this incident. it was entirely our fault, and we did a bad thing.
Two, the Navy aircraft will be returned immediately, following its complete disassembly and examination by North Korean intelligence. Three, upon its return to the U.s. the plane will be sold to the government of Libya, with all proceeds going to the Palestine Liberation Organization. Four, all secret documents found on board the aircraft will be surrendered to the United States. the Chinese will keep photocopies.
Number five, for its part, the Chinese government has agreed not to share these photocopies with Iran, Iraq, or other rogue nations. although sharing photocopies of photocopies is permitted, provided they are readable. I fought hard for that one. Six, under no circumstances will photocopies of photocopies of photocopies be allowed. Seven, our 24 U.s.
Navy servicemen and servicewomen, I'm happy to say, are already back on American soil. after a reunion with their families, they will be returned to China to begin serving their 90-day sentences for espionage at a Chinese labor camp. Number Eight, Chinese President Jiang Zemin and his wife will have full use of the Bush Vacation Ranch in Mccallum, Texas, from Memorial Day through Labor Day, with the exception of Fourth of July weekend and two weekends in August. President Bush and Laura Bush will pay for utilities. Mr. Jiang will be responsible for pool maintenance. Point Nine, General Colin Powell has agreed to resign as Secretary of State and to surrender his driver's license and credit cards. on June 1st, he will begin serving his sentence at a Chinese labor camp. Ten, the Chinese government has agreed to officially designate the first week in August, Ed Tutall Jones' Appreciation Week. Eleven, Yankees Outfielder Darrell Strawberry will voluntarily enter a drug treatment facility. located where? in a Chinese labor camp.
Number Twelve, Don't mess with Texas. Thirteen, don't Ever mess with Texas. Fourteen, live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
SaturdayNightLive | obama_for_america_mitt_romney_ad_snl | I am Barack Obama and I approve this message, but I'm not real proud of it. I don't think Mitt Romney understands what he's done to people's lives by closing this plan. I don't think he even cares. Mitt Romney and Bain Capital made millions for themselves and then closed this steel plant.
Not long after I lost my job, my wife went in for major heart surgery, and Mitt Romney stopped by the hospital room to tell us we no longer had health insurance. as he was talking, we could see he had a really bad cold. he was coughing and sneezing and everything. And I said to him, my wife is sick. would you mind covering your mouth if you're going to be doing that? Mitt Romney didn't even have the decency to cover his mouth while sneezing. I mean, come on. my wife just had heart surgery, and now she's going to get your cold, too. can't you use a tissue?
After Bain Capital shut down the mill, I was out of work for a year. Mitt Romney and Bain Capital bought the textile mill where Raymond had worked for 18 years, then shut it down. it was really hard on my family. Finally, I got a job at a piano factory at half my old salary. Then Bain bought that company, and I got laid off again. Next, I worked as a trucker, but then Bain came along, bought the trucking company, and I lost that job, too. I then got hired part-time at an Orange Julius until Bain acquired that franchise and shut it down. Now, not the whole company, you understand? just that one store. At this point, I said to myself, what the hell is going on here? Finally, I got a job at a shoeshine stand under an assumed name, working just for tips. but Bain somehow found out, bought the business, and moved it to China. that's when I knew. This is not a coincidence. each time Raymond Mccoy got a new job, Mitt Romney and Bain Capital would buy the company, apparently for the sole purpose of laying him off.
When Mitt Romney was there in the hospital room with us, he kept insisting on shaking our hands to show there's no hard feelings and all that. Then I noticed he had this cold sore. Mitt Romney probably gave Dan's wife puppies. I wondered, does he ever think about other people? that's just so inconsiderate. Obama for America is responsible for the content of this advertisement. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Jacqui_To_The_Rescue_An_Anti_Vaxxers_Game_Plan_A_Tough_Year_More_November_26 | Welcome back to the Matuda Advocate weekly news bulletin on the home stretch here, December is right around the corner, the Christmas parties have begun, everywhere's opening up, things are looking good. We hope you're enjoying yourselves this morning as much as we are, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall, we've got Wendell Hussey, the news reader over here, how are you Wendell? Yeah really good, really good, I'm about to pop off to the Remianco Aerodrome and head down to the Gold Coast for the weekend with a few mates, so should be good fun, really looking forward to that. Jam packed with you. How are you going? Yeah look mate, I'm doing okay, probably not, I'm not going to have an action packed weekend like you are mate, but.
Bombs away on the main stage DJ Havana Brown.
Yeah well you know, I've kind of grown out of that now. I can't, I just can't be going down there anymore. Yeah fair. Tiger Lily comes to town, I'll send you down the arrow, Tiger Lily comes down. I reckon you can get around that, yeah, bit of fun. Look I'm, the last time I went down there was to go and see bloody Cat. Bloody Beatrice? No it was to go down and see Cat Stevens, I was going to, yeah I was going to put one on his chin for what he was saying about you know all this stuff to do with Brexit and stuff like that, so I thought, you know, I was going to go down there and give him a piece of my mind, but. Bombs away song Big Booty Bitches, slightly less political than Cat Stevens and Brexit.
Yeah it is, it's a track too. And the Super Soaker as well, another classic.
Still going around, anyway should we get into the news wrap? Now we'll start off with one of the biggest political stories of the week. An independent Tassie Senator has been lauded for displaying more energy and leadership than both of our major parties combined.
Yeah she certainly captured the nation's attention, she did Jackie Lambie, Queen Jackie opening up with that impassioned speech about doing your bit to get vaccinated. She managed to shine a bit of a light on how useless the major parties have been on this issue, as we wrote earlier this week. She was also on the front foot to get plenty of anti-vaxxers into town to go up and get jabbed. And she put the fear of God in them, poor old Jackie's fed up. And she kept it going with an attack on the government for dragging the chain on a federal corruption commission. So it's been a big few days for Jackie, shout out to Bridget Archer who is a Liberal MP from down there in Tassie as well who went and crossed the floor for a push for a proper federal ICAC, good to see. She didn't quite get there but hopefully next time.
Now someone who didn't heed the words of Jackie was a man over in Our Nation's Golden West and the headline on our next story is, Perth anti-vaxxer apparently still waiting on research that he'll just dismiss as fake anyway. Yes, outside of New South Wales and Victoria there's been a bit of a slower progress on the vaccine front. One man has made headlines over in Western Australia for refusing to go and get his jab because he says he's not convinced about how safe it is.
Not enough research he reckons. Which is an interesting one given he spent the last little while just dismissing any research which is presented to him anyway. We asked him about that one and he just said he wants more transparent research in the form of YouTube videos and grainy memes on Facebook and Instagram and whatnot. Proper research stuff.
Now a bit of local news, yeah mate it's been a tough year for us all says a bloke standing next to his new 300 series Land Cruiser. Despite a few people writing to us to say the 300 series isn't even out yet, a downtrodden old timer from our towns Fringe reckons he's had a year that's been quite a punish for him and everyone else in the wider community as I don't think we're going to disagree with him on that. He says this despite standing next to his new 300 series Land Cruiser Sahara ZX which he said was the only good thing to come to him this year. And it was a bloody good thing to come to him this year because it came to him before it came to anyone else. He told us and I quote this year has been brutal.
These bloody lockdowns and all the deaths just terrible mate. No we've been suffering up here too in the bush, no tourists coming through spending money no grain nomads to complain about everything and steal the guna rap from the public shiters. We don't even have any rain.
Yeah he went on to say as well that he only made that purchase because he had a tax problem and so on. Well you know what they say when the farmers are happy, the country is happy.
Some more news from the channel country now and moving a fiddle leaf fig one centimetre has kickstarted a rapid and unstoppable descent into death. Yes a Battuta Grove couple of this week learnt the hard way that fiddle leaf figs are impossible to please and should only be left to the most passionate green thumbs. It's alleged that Claire and Dion Wright were walking through a strip of stores in the French Quarter when they stumbled upon some pot plants spilling out of a new boutique homeware shop. As they thumbed their way through the trees and made small sounds of approval at the matte black pots which were sure to go well with their industrial theme, Claire saw a beautiful fiddle leaf fig that she thought would make a wonderful focal point for her lounge room. Yeah anyway long story short, they bought it, took it home, put it in a corner, decided to move it and killed it. Story as old as time itself, I don't know why people bother doing these things you can get. Fucking fiddle leaf. You can get them from Kmart and Target.
Harder to grow than cannabis these things. Well yeah cannabis is quite easy to grow. Yeah go across the river it's a real weed. Oops, why did you call it a weed?
Sports News to finish this off now and the man who led Australian cricket out of the ball tampering scandal has found himself caught up in one of his own. Yeah the captain of the Aussie cricket team who took charge after the disaster in Cape Town has ironically fallen on his own sword, uh mind the pun, appointed to lead the good bloke revival of the team after the infamous ball tampering incident which was blown out of proportion if you ask me. Tim Payne has been stood down for a bit of ball tampering himself. Yes some lewd messages were published last week with Payne reportedly sending a former cricket Tasmania employee some descriptive language and a couple of rather visual images of his enormous cock. Despite Cricket Australia clearing him in an investigation a couple of years ago he's resigned from the leadership position but is hoping to keep the gloves for the side. Looks like we might have Steve Smith back in the helm or maybe the golden boy Pat Cummins.
Yeah Candice Warner, Dave's wife, is not happy about Tim potentially staying in the side she came out and said it's not a good look that he's hanging around. That's a really really divisive thing to say Candice and I wonder how that went down in the team room. Yeah I wonder how that's gonna go down in the English dressing room too I mean it's just.
Oh was there something that happened in English cricket? Oh well you know it's it's if if that scandal happened here it would you know it would be on page six because it happens all the fucking time doesn't it? Wide spread systematic racism all through English cricket. Sport, politics, art, you fucking name it.
Has ironically fallen on his own sword, mind the pun, appointed to lead the good bloke revival of the team after the infamous ball-tampering incident which was blown out of proportion if you ask me. Tim Payne has been stood down for a bit of ball-tampering himself. Yes some lewd messages were published last week with Payne reportedly sending a former cricket Tasmania employee some descriptive language and a couple of rather visual images of his enormous cock. Despite cricket Australia clearing him in an investigation a couple years ago he's resigned from the leadership position but is hoping to keep the gloves for the side. Looks like we might have Steve Smith back in the helm or maybe the golden boy Pat Cummins.
Candice Warner, Dave's wife is not happy about Tim potentially staying in the side she came out and said it's not a good look that he's hanging around. That's a really really divisive thing to say Candice and I wonder how that went down in the team room.
Yeah I wonder how that's gonna go down in the English dressing room too I mean it's just. Is there something that happened in English cricket? Oh well you know it's if that scandal happened here it would you know it would be on page six because it happens all the fucking time doesn't it, doesn't it, typical. Widespread systematic racism all through English cricket. Top to bottom, sport, politics, art, you fucking name it.
Disgusting and a grim note to end this weekly wrap up on. Anyway we have to do it, see you later, bye bye.
Slum it mom. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_179_The_Screaming_Jets | Yeah, yeah and you know it's no longer the novel coronavirus, I guess we're all very familiar with it now and we're very over it, but that said we are lucky here in Queensland because the state favoured by God is free of the shit and today's guest is also in a similar situation, he's down there in the Free State, thank you for joining us. Gleso, Gleso it's great to have you here. Thank you very much, it's great to be had, I'm stoked to be joining you guys, yeah beautiful South Australia, beautiful one day, murders the next, let's say down here.
That's what I was going to say, you've made the move, I mean Dave Gleeson and the Screaming Jets are synonymous with Newcastle, but nowadays you are, you know, everyone is well aware that you're based down in Adelaide, which I was going to say basically is Newcastle with murders, isn't it? No, it's a tough spot, I never would have thought that I'd live down here, from the time that the Jets took off, we kind of lived in suitcases and stuff for about three or four years after that and lived between Sydney and Newcastle, which was good because I loved catching the train from Sydney to Newy, it was two and a half hours, you could sit there, take a couple of longies on there back in the day and jump out for a smoke at Gosford magazine, and then you could have a piss in between the carriages and that was good, back in the day. So yeah, and then moving down to Adelaide, that came about because my wife is from down here, and we had a kid and we were living in Sydney and the Jets were off the road, so it was a perfect storm and I found myself living down here. Can you just tell us a little bit about, you mentioned there those long train rides, to and from Sydney, from Newy, where were you, as well as being synonymous, actually your band and your imagery and yourselves with your long hair was synonymous with Newcastle, so was the sound, and almost everyone who had listened to one of your songs come on, they'd kind of think about the glory days of the Steel City, where did the sound come from, what were your influences, because you obviously influenced a lot of bands that came after you, who can point to you, but it's kind of hard to point before you. Yeah, well growing up in Newcastle it was a massive cover scene, and you had to be, you still had to be good, but it wasn't like you could just get up there and muck around, and so we spent three years just playing as many nights a week as we could, sometimes up to six, seven nights a week, playing three sets a night, rehearsing two times a week, you know, it was just a really great breeding ground for learning your craft, and of course they'd let you know if you were shit, they'd throw a can at you or a glass or something like that, so you had to be on your toes, the mate of mine saw in excess, and it was very early on they played for a dollar at a club in Newcastle, and he said no one could hit Michael Hutchins with cans because he moved around the stage quite a lot, the club weren't that into him, and that gave me a bit of a heads up, I was like I'm going to move around a lot. So, like a lot of bands from your part of the world up there in Newcastle, it was a bit of a rite of passage to, once you conquered the steel city it was time to take on Sydney, how long did you talk about moving to Sydney before you actually moved to Sydney? Well, yeah, that's exactly right, we started off in Newy and we thought oh we've got something here, and we started going out to the Hunter Valley, and we did a tour, we did an ill-fated tour prior to the Jets up to Coffs Harbour where I ended up in jail when we were supposed to be playing the Hoi Moi.
Oh, that's a great pub. Look, I'll quickly tell you that's an aside, but we got up to the Hoi Moi and we walk in there and the guy goes oh there's actually strippers on tonight, and we're like oh but we've been double booked, so anyway they said don't worry about it, we'll pay you 200 bucks, you can stay in here for free and watch the strippers, so that went well until I ended up in jail. Yada, yada, yada, I was in a police cell. You must have been playing up. Yeah, yeah, rum. To get locked up in the Hoi Moi hotel, you must have been playing up. Oh, so many great memories, flashbacks.
But yeah, we started going down to Sydney, there was a battle of bands going on and we played our first kind of major gigs in Sydney were all at Salinas, and there was bands from all over Sydney competing in the, you know, whatever they have the, what are they called, the Heaps, the Heaps. And then at the end there was a National, so everyone came from around Australia and we won that battle of the bands, but we were taking busloads of Newcastle people down to Salinas and it was not pretty. Yeah, that's been a recurring yarn you hear about in the history of your band is that, you know, the hostility between the Newy fans who, you know, as you said, only a two-hour train ride and they can come to any gig in the most populated city in Australia.
That's right. And they obviously brought the riffraff. Can you tell us a little bit about some of those little hoedowns, some of those little showdowns, sorry? Yeah, well, the final that we won, there's a great lady by the name of Lisa Edwards, I think, I'm pretty sure it's her name.
She's a singer, has been around the tracks for years. So while the judging was going on, after all the bands had played, she came on to do a set and all the Newy crowd were going, Fuck off, kids, fuck off. And in the end she had to just call it off.
Well, stop you then, go back to Newcastle or something. Anyway, so we ended up winning the show and none other than Baja Bonkowski, I don't know if you remember Baja, she was like a 70s ABC countdown type chick, I bet she was very staid. And me mate Scotty, she just grabbed her, he looked at her, he gave her a big hug, he said, You're Baja Bonkowski, I fucking love you. She was just like, wow, what is going on with these boys from Newcastle? Yeah, I would say everyone loves a night out in Newcastle, I'm sure.
Yeah, well, it was the first place where they thought they trialed the lockout laws because they had kind of like a localised epidemic there where there was a lot of, you know, alcohol fuelled violence, but there wasn't so much like people weren't using like a weapon, like people weren't being stabbed, you know, that they were essentially just being punched and being punched. But, so what was the scene like there, you know, we're talking like in the 80s, like what made Newcastle especially rough? Yeah, well, there was quite a bit of fighting that went on at gigs. Well, because it was a steel town, so there was like, you know, the BHP was there, there was all kind of heavy industry and stuff like that.
And ships were coming in all the time. So it'd be, you know, sometimes you get the Navy boys, the American boys, it'd be on. Yeah, for sure. They're bad news. All the newy girls, all the newy girls wanted to jump on them. Yeah, yeah.
And all the boys were like, what's going on with you bluds, you yanks? So it was like straight back to World War II, you know. It's like the first time the girls have dulled up on a night out because they're not doing it for you boys. Yeah, bad luck fellas.
So were you a product of that? Were you a product, what was your family in?
Yeah, well, we lived out in Cardiff, which has a great workers club, the Cardiff Workers Club, and a lot of the big bands came through there. But that was like just a working class town.
My old man was a drug salesman. I was wondering where you were going with that one. He was a pharmaceutical rep. No, he was a pharmaceutical rep.
But I loved it because I grew up in Cardiff, and then instead of going to Cardiff High, which was a one minute walk from my house, I had to get a 55 minute bus ride in to go to Maras Brothers in town.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So there'd be all kids, what's your father do? Oh, he's a lawyer, he's a doctor, and I just say, oh, he sells drugs, brother. Case closed. And then they'd go, what? And I'd go, oh, no, he works for Astra Pharmaceuticals, you know.
But yeah, so I just grew up loving footy. Me two older brothers were both most outstanding sub-junior at Cardiff Cougars Rugby League Club. So that was kind of, that took up my life.
And yeah, Cardiff was, you know, he rode your BMX bikes, tucked your siggies up in your t-shirt sleeve. I had one bloke that was a mate of mine, he had surfy tattooed on one side of him, and Westy on the other. So when he was at the swimming pool, he'd have his siggies in his right shoulder with Tad Westy showing. When he was at the beach, he'd have them up on his left and have surfy.
Yeah, hedging his bets. He was covered, old cash man. Covered in spiders, I think.
So you kind of find yourself in a position like almost before this kind of working class sound of rock music came through, where you kind of were making music that was speaking to the workers' clubs and all these kind of towns similar to Newy, and I'm sure a lot of Sydney as well, you know, in that era. How have you found that? Do you see that nowadays, where there's bands that come out now, out of towns like this, that are making kind of music that can be enjoyed and picked up by, you know, blokes who work in steelworks or blokes who work on the wharfs or construction or that kind of stuff? Yeah, well, look, there's been a paradigm shift, hasn't there? You've seen some of the blokes who work in construction, you know, dolled up there.
Put it on in the Raptor. What about the hot stop-and-go chicks now? They're rocking.
No, but they're all Irish, aren't they? Yeah, I think so, all backpackers.
Stop your car here, sir. They're probably making a bit more money than a drug salesman did in Cardiff in the 80s. Absolutely.
But, yeah, look, I mean, it used to be such a rite of passage for suburban Australians. It was that, you know, you'd find your local bands and then you'd follow them with a passion, and I think that a lot of that's gone by the wayside now. And I think that comes from, you know, I hate to bang on about something that's been out of the gate for 30 years or whatever, but the pokies absolutely just destroyed that kind of, that building period for bands where they, you know, well, we were playing to 200 people by, you know, probably a year into our first band, and then by, you know, halfway through the next year you're playing to 500 people doing, you know, residencies and stuff like that. So it kind of, you got to build it organically. Now everyone just goes fucking straight on the net and says, oh, look at me, I'm amazing. But so it's kind of killed that whole, that whole pub kind of rock band ethos. But, you know, having said that, there's a band called Massive that we've done a bit of touring with near Unreal. They head overseas more than anything just because it's kind of the market for, for pub rocks a bit much smaller now, but, you know, in Europe and the UK especially, it's still thriving over there. Now you kind of, you know, you're known for, you've released a lot of music and just about anyone who likes your stuff is across all your stuff, but there was a little bit of a, I guess you could say political kind of tinge to some of the stuff you'd sing about.
And what's the FRC, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fat rich cunts. Brought down a government. Yeah.
Poor Joe. I mean, he was only just. I know. He was. He's actually quite a grandfatherly type person. Along with all his fascism. Yeah, yeah. He was a pioneer.
It was good for Queensland. It was good for the Goldies.
You'd sing that, you'd sing that in Queensland. You'd sing those songs about their, about their kind of state government. You weren't strictly punk rock either. You know, they had those real lunatics that were based in Brisbane that had, you know, their phones tapped and that kind of stuff. And they were making music. Strictly every single song was to do what you managed to do in one song at one show.
You know what I mean? Yeah, right, right, yeah. What was, I mean, obviously punk, that kind of sound coming out of Brisbane at the time was for the very politically charged. It actually doesn't make a whole room dance. You know what I mean? No, no, that's right. That was the kind of, I used to, I'm so glad there was no social media or anything. I was just about to ask you. I would have been cancelled gig one, right? Yeah.
Because, you know, I always blame it on this guy.
Peter Teaguey's name was, he was the lead singer of a band called Big Band Boom, right, in Newcastle, cover band. You know, backing singers, bass, all this stuff. And they do, the hits of the day, they do Huey Lewis and the News and just all of, you know, the big hits of the time.
Filthiest mouth I've ever heard on any man in me life. He used to say, so he's getting fucked tonight. He's getting fucked. He'd say, the chicks are regretting. You're gonna fuck.
And I just thought, how's this guy? And so I took a little bit of that with me. So I had to temper it after a while. Because people don't want to get yelled at and ranted at by some drunk guy who's about to go out backstage and do all kinds of stuff that he could be ranted about. You're not bono. I had to temper that. You're not here to end world poverty. You're on, you know, rock and roll shot. I mean, angry, God bless him. He can get a bit, a bit preachy. And I kind of, you know, all the brothers and sisters stuff and that.
But he did say a great thing one night while he was banging on about something. Some bloke said, play a fucking rose teddy song. He said, mate, you paid to get in here tonight not to tell me what to fucking do.
In saying that though, like, do you kind of feel sorry for young musicians, especially young rockers who are coming up now who, you know, they live in this world now where you've got, you know, everyone's got like a video camera, like anything that you do now is instantly recordable. Do you think you can kind of hear that coming through in the music these days?
Oh, absolutely. I mean, everyone's much more guarded. That's why we're getting advanced joy. You know, Pete Murray, Mark II and, you know, Ed Sheeran's the biggest songwriter in the world. And he's considered quite edgy. Yeah, he's the one.
Forget Ozzy Osbourne snorting lines and shitting on people's toys. Yeah, so I look at it, it's all changed. And that was a big thing of rock music and kind of that was another thing that happened to me along the way was I was more David Lee Roth, Axl Rose, this front man-y kind of guy. And then, of course, old Kurt came along and blew that all out of the water. And everyone had to go, oh, I fucking hate this.
Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I mean, we were lucky to survive those a couple of years when grunge first took over because we were seen as, you know, kind of just cock rockers. Especially in Bloody Newy too. Like, you had bloody, you know. Like the chair. Yeah, yeah, Newcastle was Australia's Seattle, right?
It was Nivana's in Pyjamas. One of the great lines they called them. Nivana's in Pyjamas.
I have never heard that one. That's sick. God bless them. I mean, we gave them, I can still remember we played a gig while they were still the innocent criminals and they went on as the pre-support support.
And their parents come and they talk to their manager, can we talk to the boys about, you know, what's going on, you know, some advice. So we're sitting in there, we're off chops, just sitting there, and we're telling the boys, oh, you should do this, you know. And their parents are just looking like, what are we doing in here?
They took none of our advice and were hugely successful.
Yeah, fair enough. I mean, there was a time, we were actually talking about this as a young comedian that we've kind of worked with over the years who does a podcast called Cameron James, and he's a Newcastle boy. And we were actually talking about you coming on the podcast, and he said one of his fondest childhood memories was the day after the night's grand final. And I'm sure that, you know, there's a whole generation that will say the same thing when the screaming jets were playing and the bus was coming down the main street of Newcastle. In the 90s and the late 80s, was there that feeling in Newcastle that we are the centre of the universe? Yeah, definitely. I mean, when we first started going down to Sydney and people would say, where are you from? We'd say, Newcastle. They'd all be like, take a little step back on Newcastle. So we were kind of, you know, just proud of the fact we're from Newy and, you know, it was kind of a bit of a talking point. But yeah, I think we always, especially like by the time they won the grand final, I mean, the fact that we'd got a team in the national competition, that was a huge buzz from, you know, 1988, the late 80s. And then, yeah, and then to see them grow and then to have Joey come along and, you know, that team that was a team of superstars, plenty of Australian representatives and stuff in it. So yeah, Newcastle had a very good sense of pride there.
And then they took the steel industry away and it kind of, it died in the arse a little bit.
But I think people are realising it's one of the, got some of the greatest beaches on earth. So, you know, plenty of tourism going on. Yeah, I mean, as people forget that, if you're talking inner city beaches, people always think Bondi. But Newcastle has inner city beaches.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I think that'll be the next big fight. Mate, you know, there was a steel boom. Now there'll be a property boom. Yeah, the new Byron Bay up there. Yeah, that's right. Well, I mean, it is a top fight and it probably suffers a bit from its former reputation.
But, you know, you don't want to live in fucking Gosford, do you? I'm sorry. Sorry for Gosford.
That was your smoke break on the train ride, yeah. I remember one time speaking of FRC, as we recently were, we went to the Central Case Leith Club, the one they've got there in Gosford. They've done a big brief amp on it. Anyway, I was a guest DJ for the night because the album had just come out and I was just getting up there and playing some songs and talking to the crowd between songs and that. And I said, you know, towards the end of the night, I said, play FRC. And it was actually on a vinyl album.
Yeah. And so he's up there. He goes, no, I can't. I go, mate, I'll tell you when to mute it. And when we get to that part, you mute it and the crowd will sing it. He goes, oh, all right. Anyway, we get to the part.
He goes, you're fat. You're fat. And I go like this. And he mutes rich and then turns it back up for cunts. And then I go, no, no, we'll do it again. We'll just be on it this time. He goes, you're fat. You're fat. You're rich cunts. And I go, OK.
By this sign, the manager's coming over going, what are you doing? We were doing our kind of research into you guys. You were touring.
And that song in particular, and there was a lot of other red hot kind of ballad you'd throw out, fan favorites. Did you find that kind of abrasiveness? The fans love it.
There's an element of anti-establishment to it. But did that rub people the wrong way? Did it rub the fat rich cunts the wrong way that could have actually had you crushed? Yeah, well, it probably, chicks don't like it. But they didn't kind of like. And some of the stuff I was saying, once again, fairly misogynistic. So I think we turned quite a lot of the chicks off in the crowd. But the strangeness of the whole situation, I had to fight tooth and nail to keep that song on the album.
Yeah. And that was not because it's a great song, just because I was like, well, if you want to take it off, I want to keep it on. Yeah. Rock on. In the end, they're like, well, it's going to kill the album, and we'll do it anyway. Anyway, so we put it out.
And after all that time, when we went over to the States, the first thing they released was fat rich cunts. Now, anyone who knows anything about the States, it's a word non grata.
It's just a really good way to kill a conversation. So I would be up there trying to explain it to them. I go, now, listen, listen.
We're from Australia. You know, they woo, woo. Now, listen, we've got a funny terminology in Australia. And so I try and tell them, I say, if your mate's funny, he's a funny cunt.
Each one was like a dagger through their heart. Not one time did any of them go, oh, I get it.
We get in the context here. So anyway, that was probably something that didn't work well for us in the States. It was pretty well received in the UK. Yeah. Essentially the same people, you know. Especially in Adelaide, too.
They're about as close as you can get to a palm as a palm. They are. They're very close to palms down here.
And then they pick me up on all the way I speak. I've been here 15 years.
Pool, they call it pool. I call it pool. Pool, yeah. First time I came here, someone said, do you want to go to a pool?
I was like, nope. I'm thinking what you're thinking. And then they say school. And they say girls. And even the most kind of the roughest South Australians say that. I remember hearing an interview with the Hilltop Hoods. And I remember them talking about, what was it, they were talking about being overseas. And they say you're performing on stage overseas and you forget what country you're in until you hear them chant at you. I was like, what the fuck?
Yeah, yeah, chanting. Chanting.
Well, that's all I got for me, mate. So I'll ring up and I'll leave a message. Yeah, give us a call when you get a chance. Oh, no. It's already slipped out.
So do you reckon, I mean, you were talking before about meeting the Nevanas in pajamas and how you were kind of living pretty hard at that time, trying to impart some wisdom on them. Was there a moment on touring where you guys were like, we are now kind of running off the smell of an oily rag covered in tequila? Where did you kind of tap out of petrol? At what point are you touring?
I reckon, so we started in 1989. We had about three weeks off when our guitarists got married in 1992. And I reckon up until about 1999, we just hit it, fucking hammering song. And then we kind of had to, there was some internal conflict and then we had to take the band off the road. I reckon that was 2001, I reckon June 2001 we finished up and then we took like a hiatus. And everyone came back changed after that except Paul Yeh, bass player.
He's a road warrior. He was keeping the dream alive?
For everyone. I'll do your pinning sense to me and I say thanks very much.
So what was some of the other bands you were kind of pinballing around with, you know, throughout the start and kind of, you know, the midst and the height of your career? Yeah, we started off pretty well about the same time as the Baby Animals. We bought our album out about seven or eight months before. They bought their album out and eclipsed ours. They had an absolutely ball tear in first album.
And we spent heaps of time with them. We toured with those guys, did a couple of national tours with them. We did a bunch of touring with The Divinals and got to be, you know, good friends, as good friends as you can get with some crazy people. Speaking of The Divinals, we were backstage after this big long tour that we'd done and I found myself talking to Chrissie and I'd never really had a long chat with her.
So we're sitting there drinking, talking. It's got about 20 people in it and it's probably should have about big enough for about 10. Anyway, after about the third time, I'm coming just about two steps away from I've got two more drinks for us.
And she yells to her bodyguard, Mick, Mick, take me back to my room. No one's rooting me tonight. Everyone's looking at me, I've got two drinks. I'm just like, what? I haven't even got to that bit yet.
But yeah, we played with them. Choir boys were very kind to us so they gave us a lot of big raps early on. But we kind of, and the Angels obviously, they took us on our first ever national tour. But we kind of came in at the end of that so they'd been banned from the mid 70s, early 80s up until we started in 89.
So a lot of people think we're of the same vintage but we're just lucky enough to kind of catch on to their fans. Those people who love pub rock, guitars, drum solos, lead breaks, et cetera. So very lucky to catch that end of that.
Can you tell us a little bit about Triple J and the role that kind of played? Because it would have, Triple J would have been kind of nationalized in your time. Yeah. You know, it originally was Double J and it was like a little secret for the kind of Greater New South Wales metropolitan area. And then all of a sudden you're in every town. Did you benefit from that? Oh, absolutely. When the first three albums came out they were all album of the week on Triple J. And the third of those albums was affectionately known as the Gorilla album, the Screamin' Jets self-titled album. And we did the first ever live stream, I guess, or podcast, live streaming of a gig. Right. So that was 1995. So it started with me going, hey everyone, buffer, buffer, buffer, buffer, buffer. So it kind of went all the way through. It didn't work out well, but we were the first band ever to do that. They loved us, Triple J. And then by the fourth album, I started doing some fill-in shifts at Triple M. Right. Yeah. And our manager said, well, what about we give Triple M first dibs on this single, the first single from the fourth album. And kind of sold that idea to us. And that was the last thing that was last on Triple J. Yeah. Yeah, because I was about to ask you, like, how does a band make a transition from Triple J to Triple M?
We were lucky we kind of didn't have to make the transition because we didn't have to do that. And it was one of those things that fell extremely flat and kind of cost us, you know, as you say, they were a national broadcaster. They were credible and all that stuff. And young people listened to it. So we kind of shot ourselves in the foot with that one.
But that's the way it goes. There's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip. I think you got your share of radio play on Triple M, mate. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I was just in the lead up to this interview, mate. I was doing some reading, apparently on Triple M in Sydney. They've played the song Better.
They've played that 5,000 times since it was released 26 years ago. So what's that? That's 365 times 26. What's that, like 9,600 and something times. So essentially they're playing that song once every two days for 26 years.
Yeah. I know, it's unreal. Mate, that bloody... Hugely lucky. That Apra check, it must be as thick as a phone book. Oh, you'll have to ask Brett Wolsey about that. He wrote the freakin' thing.
Why is he driving a Porsche, Grant? Living next door to Daniel Johns in Newcastle.
But yeah, that's been very lucky for us. And I think at one stage, Triple M Sydney said it's the most played Australian song on Triple M over the 30 years. And I said, well, that's because we didn't have many hits.
So for a poor old ACDC, you have to spread it across 25 hits for a poor bastard. Yeah, well, no, those poor bastards in ACDC, I was just reading the other day that Angus Young, he isn't even Australian. I mean, he's been applying for 40 years and they've said you haven't spent that long in the country.
Yeah, no, no. And we don't want your filthy Luca.
That might help your stats too. He's technically not an Australian band. Yeah, I could sponsor him. But yeah, I mean, I saw a benefit when Malcolm died a couple of years ago. There's a bloke who gets around and does ACDC shows and the headline, like the poster said, a benefit for Malcolm Young. I'm like, yeah, the poor bugger. He's probably going to handle his last 400 million and he's dead. I think they were benefiting from Malcolm Young rather than for him.
Yeah. So you then make this transition into radio announcing. I mean, you did a few years there. Yeah, yeah.
Well, that was with Triple M. Don Foster was his name. He was a funny bloke that was running Triple M at the time. And Guy Dobson, you know, they just started getting me to do The Australian Mate, so every homemade every Sunday night. And then, yeah, I just started doing a bunch of different stuff with him, you know, filling in. I got to interview my best one at Triple M Sydney was Raymond Zarek. I got to interview him and asked him a question about The Doors and he said, Dave, that's one of the best questions I've ever been asked about The Doors. And I was like, oh, God bless you.
But yeah, it's just something that's kind of, I'd love it. I only love it when I'm talking about rock. That's the thing. I filled in for breakfast and that.
And you think I want to talk to the mayor about why there's no fucking parking at the hospital? I don't.
What about these bail conditions for young offenders?
If you want anything to happen at the fucking council, you've just got to pay. Here's my BSB. It's the greatest council money can buy. It is.
Well, they sacked him for a bag in Newcastle a couple of years back. I met the Lord Mayor of Newcastle a couple of years ago at Bathurst. Myself and Paul were there doing the national anthem.
And she's not a bad sort. I think I kind of give her the old, hey, not 50 something, she's in her 30s, she's probably thinking, fuck off, mate.
Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I'm guessing that was at the V8s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You missed, did you miss those, like I guess there was always gigs going, that's where you kind of, there were gigs on Bondi Beach back in your heyday. There were all kinds of things, but then there was this kind of, in the late 90s, this ramped up kind of home bake, big day out. Did you get a taste of all that?
We played on the first big day out after heaps of crawling on his knees, our manager and stuff. And Lees and Wes thought we were too mainstream. Big day out. Yeah, in the end he goes, they acquiesced, as long as we didn't call ourselves the Screaming Jets, they just put us on the post as TSJ, which was fine by us. We played to 10,000 people, it was nuts.
We went on after Carter Unstoppable Sex Machine, whatever that is, I didn't even look at that. I just thought, but it wasn't until years later, and stuff goes by in the blur, and once again, not everyone had recording devices back there.
But years later when I first moved down here to Norton Summit in the Adelaide Hills, there's a little pub, that's all there is in town. That's why I moved here. It's the perfect town.
But a bloke goes, oh, is that that big day out? And I said, oh, well, I mean, I'm glad to finally meet someone who was there. And he goes, I've got a photo of you, actually.
Anyway, brings it to the pub the next week, and it's me with me pants down, and me Willy tucked back between me legs. I used to do the Madonna. I'd do my hairy armpits and my hairy puss in that.
That's groundwork, mate. Oh, fantastic. Good on ya. Thanks for that. That's a photo you got of me. Thanks, mate.
I'll see you here. I'll see you here every Sunday for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah, the things you do once again. So now you're going to do a big tour, obviously, to celebrate this new release. But obviously that's been bumped, thanks to this lovely historic event we found ourselves in.
It's a worse than average flu, they say.
Yeah, yeah. Well, look, we needed something to take the gloss off September 11th, so why not something new? Yeah, I mean, it's 30 years for you guys, and you're releasing the anniversary reissue of All For One. And you were going to tour that. What were you thinking? Obviously this has been in talks for a few years, so you were probably talking about this before the pandemic. But what did you have planned for the tour, which has since been postponed?
Yeah, well, I mean, over the last four or five years, the Angels have re-released their 40th edition versions of their classic albums. So we re-recorded it with myself and John and Rick Brewster and Sam and Nick, the current lineup. And then we went into the Bridge Hotel in Sydney and recorded it live. So I made it a double album. And it went really well for the fans. They just kind of have it as a historic document.
But the fun part about it is doing the album start to finish, which we've never done before. There's songs we've probably never played live off the album since we bought it out. So we're very looking forward to just getting out there and playing it like people heard it all those years ago. And then we were just going to play all the other stuff, all the other songs that people won't let you out of the building if you don't get to play them.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, the worst part's been that they keep pushing it back. I did 31 streams in a row on a Sunday last year. And mid-October, I said, I'll knock it on the head because we're about to go on tour in January. Not January, February. Oh, not February, April. I just kept pushing it back and pushing it back.
And I've been working at a mate's vineyard. Yeah. Trying to get some money to buy beer. Yeah. But yeah, we were planning on getting out there.
And you've got to do a two-hour show. If you've been around for 30 years, you've got to at least be able to do two hours.
So yeah, just kind of twiddling thumbs now. But it'll mean that we explode on stage when we get back there. When we finally get there. I mean, I think there's a lot of people that were kind of just ready. I mean, look at some of the bands that we kind of. And the Young Fellows now, too, it was their moment. That was going to be their year. And then that year just got kind of crushed. So I wonder if it will be the same when we come back. Everything that was meant to happen does happen. I mean, it certainly will for you guys.
Who are you thinking to open for you? Well, we've got a few mates in bands around the country. So I thought it might be a good little thing to get them in, give them a bit of a go, and free. You can have some beer.
Piss off. Here's a t-shirt.
You've got to give Low Life a run. Low Life?
Yeah, they're coming out of Sydney now. They are red hot. Yeah, right. Cool, cool. I like the name. Yeah, lock them up.
Best free gig. Now, are you going to be doing a bit of a media run?
Obviously, we were very lucky to get you first with the embargo and everything like that. We were the first on the junket here on the Batuta.
Right, come on. But I'm guessing there'll be a bit of a push for this album because obviously the re-release isn't going to tie in with the tour anymore. No, no, Nicole, our pre-artic, she's putting together a bit of a run now for publicity and stuff. Yeah, it's funny because up until 18 months ago, it's all I did. I just had, between the Angels and the Jets, there was always something coming up. And now I'm sitting here thinking, oh, I can't wait to see me press schedule. What have we got on today, all right? Oh, yeah, I used to see them going, oh, fuck, another 10 interviews, man.
I hate talking about myself.
ABC Mildura, ah, Christ on biker.
And then the thing is, over all the years, you end up talking to people and you go, oh, fuck, I remember you from 15 years ago. You were the one that had the hiccups in 1999.
Well, Garth Brooks has got a dude, like a PA, and he writes people's names down and stuff. And so my mate in Newcastle, he got to meet Garth Brooks and interview him, and then two years later he got there and he's interviewing. Garth Brooks goes, and how'd your wife go with the baby? How'd that all work out?
Oh, that's a pro. That's a pro. No, that's a pro.
Fucking Garth Brooks, too. That's a baby.
What? And then there's some blokes who just flat out will remember your name, like Troy Cassadale is one of them. Yeah, yeah. How are you, mate? Yeah, what were we doing last time? Oh, you were painting the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what the?
There's no one flanking him. He's just got a megamind. He is. He's a good man.
Well, thanks for joining us today, Gleso. We're excited to see you back out there, you know, and on stage and, you know, as you said, ready to burst after all these fucking postponements. But one thing we do know is the fans will definitely still be there and they'll be holding tickets. So thank you for joining us, mate. No worries, guys. And I'll just say, you know, echoing Guy Sebastian's thoughts, get vaccinated.
Or don't. Or if you don't agree with it, don't. But if you do agree with it, do it. But only if you want it.
Here's my advice. Get vaccinated. Sorry, my label has told me to backpedal from that. Do what you want. All for the 100 miles an hour. A lot of your fans still go to Hillsong, Guy. Maybe you should fucking start backpedaling, buddy. God will. All right, mate, thanks for joining us.
Sorry about the nights. Kaelan couldn't get you there, but next year. No, no. You know, I'm a Dragons fan and so I go for the stupidest team in the NRL.
Yeah. Well, you certainly did. They're arguably the worst team. Oh, fucking brilliant. They suck. Like that. They did, Wayne. They could. They need God, man. As far as I'm concerned, I never knew something could suck and blow at the same time. Yeah, yeah.
Pre-night's era. We interviewed Mikey Robbins as well. I was like, why the fuck do you go for the rabbit eyes? Oh, no. He goes, ah, we had to pick teams before the Knights got into the comp.
Exactly. That was it. Oh, mate. Thank you for joining us. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Great_Films_Too_Painful_To_Watch_Twice | Today we're going to talk about great films that are too painful to watch twice, at least in theory. Most people's experience when they watch a great movie is you want to watch it again, maybe right away. But there's another class of great films that fill you with dread at the thought of seeing them again. The first film I want to talk about today is Wes Craven's directorial debut for 1972, a film called The Last House on the Left.
The story is about these two teenage girls that go to the city to go to a rock concert. And they hook up with these hippies who are very much kind of hippies in the Manson Family mold.
You guys let the hell out of here. I'm going to start screaming.
They're then kidnapped and raped and killed. And then there's kind of a revenge element where the hippies then go to the one girl's parents' house by coincidence. Guess who lives here? I wonder what the odds are on that. They end up spending the night and the tables get turned. It's kind of every conservative parent's worst nightmare, which I think is part of what makes it interesting.
She's dead. Well, it's also really raw. I think to a certain extent Craven at that point didn't know what he was doing.
He was also inspired by images that were coming back at the time from Vietnam. And so the film has this quality of being like a home movie. And there's this element of just super realism that makes it more disturbing than something that would be more stylized.
Right. So, Scott, you've got a different sort of great film that's too painful to watch twice, right? I do. I do have a film that is really great and really, really painful. And it's a Gaspar Noe's Irreversible.
It's a rape revenge film told backwards. So the revenge is first, then the rape, and then we see these characters going about their business. And in the audience, of course, we know what's going to happen to them, but they're blissfully unaware.
So there's kind of a cruelty to that too. What makes it great for you? There's more to it than just the rape and the revenge. I think it's a movie about time. It's about the more you go through life, the more you accumulate experiences and hurt that can't be reversed.
How many times have you sat through it? I've sat through it at least four times. And I feel like I'd sicko for saying that, but I would rather sit through Irreversible a hundred times than sit through The Bounty Hunter or The Ugly Truth twice. I mean, those to me are painful films.
The hot dog is slowly...
Whoa! Josh, you have a provocateur of your own?
I think we could probably all agree that the undisputed king of painful, great films is Austria's Michael Hanukkah, who kind of broke into America with The Piano Teacher and later Cachet. His first movie, though, was 1989's The Seventh Continent.
When I encourage people to see it, I find myself trying to explain a plot that sounds horrific and unwatchable and would never make anyone want to see a movie like this. Half the movie is about a suburban family's kind of boring existence, and then half the movie is them slowly destroying everything they own and then committing suicide.
The Seventh Continent is a reference to Australia, which is where they tell people they're going. But you realize pretty quickly that that's not true.
These parents make a decision, but they have a child. In a way, they're making a decision for the kid as well, and that kind of makes it really disturbing.
The sequence of them destroying their house is about 45 minutes long. They're sort of very dispassionate about everything. There are a couple sort of emotional outbursts in the movie, but they're used sparingly and very, very effectively.
Would you recommend watching them twice? I mean, not to go against the title of this inventory, but I think, honestly, going into The Seventh Continent, if you know that there's not going to be a happy ending, you can enjoy it more. These are extremely painful films, but I think rewarding nonetheless. I mean, we've all seen these films more than once that we're talking about. I think we can imagine it being too painful to watch twice. I mean, if I weren't dead inside, for example, I would be horrified. For more great films too painful to watch twice, log on to AVclub.com.
These parents make a decision, but they have a child. In a way, they're making a decision for the kid as well, and that kind of makes it really disturbing.
The sequence of them destroying their house is about 45 minutes long. They're sort of very dispassionate about everything. There are a couple sort of emotional outbursts in the movie, but they're used sparingly and very, very effectively.
Would you recommend watching them twice? I mean, not to go against the title of this inventory, but I think, honestly, going into The Seventh Continent, if you know that there's not going to be a happy ending, you can enjoy it more. These are extremely painful films, but I think rewarding nonetheless. I mean, we've all seen these films more than once that we're talking about. I think we can imagine it being too painful to watch twice. I mean, if I weren't dead inside, for example, I would be horrified. For more great films too painful to watch twice, log on to AVclub.com. So, Scott, you've got a different sort of great film that's too painful to watch twice, right?
I do. I do have a film that is really great and really, really painful, and it's a Gaspar Noe's Irreversible.
It's a rape revenge film told backwards. So the revenge is first, then the rape, and then we see these characters going about their business, and in the audience, of course, we know what's going to happen to them, but they're blissfully unaware. So there's kind of a cruelty to that too. What makes it great for you? There's more to it than just the rape and the revenge.
I think it's a movie about time. It's about the more you go through life, the more you accumulate experiences and hurt that can't be reversed. How many times have you sat through it? I've sat through it at least four times, and I feel like I'd sicko for saying that, but I would rather sit through Irreversible a hundred times than sit through The Bounty Hunter or The Ugly Truth twice. I mean, those to me are painful films.
The hot dog hits slowly. Whoa! Josh, you have a provocateur of your own.
I think we could probably all agree that the undisputed king of painful, great films is Austria's Michael Hanukkah, who kind of broke into America with The Piano Teacher and later Cachet. His first movie, though, was 1989's The Seventh Continent.
When I encourage people to see it, I find myself trying to explain a plot that sounds horrific and unwatchable and would never make anyone want to see a movie like this. Half the movie is about a suburban family's kind of boring existence, and then half the movie is them slowly destroying everything they own and then committing suicide.
The Seventh Continent is a reference to Australia, which is where they tell people they're going. But you realize pretty quickly that that's not true.
These parents make a decision, but they have a child. In a way, they're making a decision for the kid as well, and that kind of makes it really disturbing.
The sequence of them destroying their house is about 45 minutes long. They're sort of very dispassionate about everything. There are a couple sort of emotional outbursts in the movie, but they're used sparingly and very, very effectively.
Would you recommend watching them twice? I mean, not to go against the title of this inventory, but I think, honestly, going into The Seventh Continent, if you know that there's not going to be a happy ending, you can enjoy it more. These are extremely painful films, but I think rewarding nonetheless. I mean, we've all seen these films more than once that we're talking about. I think we can imagine it being too painful to watch twice. I mean, if I weren't dead inside, for example, I would be horrified. For more great films too painful to watch twice, log on to AVclub.com. |
TheOnion | should_animals_be_doing_more_for_animal_rights | I'm Juliana Mechanis, sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is hunting down the scumbag who killed his father. PETA has been fighting for animal rights for decades, with little success. Shouldn't animals be helping more to win the fight for their rights? Well, I'll tell you, right now, it's a very, every animal for itself attitude out there, they need to organize. Yes, I think animals need to take control of their own future, and I've been telling that to my dog for years. But if they ever want to vote, they had better start learning how to march. They have tried and they have failed miserably. Do we remember when PETA tried to organize that million dog march in Washington?
Oh, don't tell me. It was a mess, you know. I mean, not only did they not build in the infrastructure for cleaning up after themselves, but it just was not organized. It was not organized.
I think they have to stop eating each other and really kind of come to the table and say, all right, we're all on the same page here. And that's what PETA doesn't understand. Animals have traditionally been politically apathetic. Well, animals need to demand their rights to fair animal trials. Then they can wear little robes and dress up like lawyers and kind of have like a jury. Oh, I thought I'd forget the little hats. I agree. But which of them deserves the rights? I know one that doesn't deserve the rights, and that's the water buffalo. And I will be dead and in the ground eaten by maggots before I see a water buffalo with the same rights as I. If PETA dropped the so-called problem animals, would they have more success? If anything, the great white sharks, the anacondas, and the... I don't like those hermit crabs. For me, the only thing that's keeping me from being a card-carrying member of PETA is their persistent support of the water buffaloes. Nobody is going to argue with that point. Thank you. Well, I mean, some people do argue with that point. But what should they do to get these rights for animals?
Just keep throwing paint on people. Because people love having paint thrown on them. Yes, it's lovely. |
dropout | Tinder_Profile_Picture_Day_Animated_Edition | Okay, so I've got all sorts of backgrounds you can choose. Just pick whichever you think will be the best Tinder picture. Great, do you have Nagasaki?
This is gonna go terribly. I don't think that Disney sends the mature, sensual vibes you think it does. That's my entire personality!
I understand your butt looks nice, but you wouldn't have a conversation like this, right? Yeah, see, I can't hear you.
And got it. Okay, that's gonna be a nice one. Great.
What are you doing? Radically changing my facial hair for the next picture. You could pick anything. You're picking a mall dressing room? Do you think I can return these underwear?
Oh, okay. Hello, I would like to go on one date, please, and thank you.
This is ridiculous. I knew it. Blast! I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you, gumshoe. Don't use someone famous, idiot. This is still weird.
Great, you look really pretty in that. Another nice one. Maybe one where you're not soaking wet?
No! Please! I must breathe! Jesus! Oh god!
Okay, let's do the next one. You look completely different. I like the element of surprise.
Got it.
Nobody can see what you look like in ski gear. But they know we're rich.
I like your bow tie.
Too bad mine's fake. Okay, what's next? Just one picture for me. One picture is fully insane. People will think you're a serial killer.
Do my boobs look good in it? Yes, but- Then I'll be fine. Ugh, it's so on the nose. Ugh, do my abs look good in it? Yes, but- Then I'll do fine. But does my butt look good in it? It's still so weird. I said, does my butt look good in it? Yes, but- Then I'll do fine. There's no problem soaking wet?
No.
There's no problem so big it can't be solved with olives and vermouth. I- Right? say that all the time? Then you're as clever as you are handsome. What? That's- Me, you? Just about ready. Oh, whatever. Hey, would you like to have a drink with me sometime?
Oh, I'm 3,000 miles away. Fuck! Oh, it's too bad.
I was rooting for them. Yeah me too. |
dropout | hardly_working_bathroom_lock | Then they kicked me out of the jumper fan club. Oh, I'll talk to Maurice. I'll get you back in. Thank you. I got to the bathroom.
Oh, check out the new locks, man. They're super high-tech.
Hello. Please place your right hand on the screen. Welcome back, Daniel Garret or Bill Rich. Hello.
It has been one day, two hours, and eleven minutes since your last deposit. Last deposit, fecal, matter, and urine. Weighing one pound, three ounces.
Okay, okay. Just, uh, let me in. Fatter level. Hat, consistency, number five on the Bristol school gown. There must be some sort of glitch I don't... Come on, just open the door.
Expected deposit, urine or fecal. I just have to pee. Expected deposit location, urine and health.
Locking cell doors now. Boy, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay.
I have to poop, too. Please repeat. I have to poop. Please repeat and no level of urgency. I have to poop. Bad. I need to take a doo-doo.
Big time. Could there be a big direction?
Oh, front to back. Will you be requiring extra toilet kitchen due to bloody school? As per your last deposit? Yes. Welcome, Daniel. Please remember to wash your hands before returning to work this time. And please keep your shirt down while using toilet to thank you. Ooh! Welcome back, Civilish Manager.
It has been three hours since your last deposit. Last deposit, ramos, bunnies, and dreams. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_21_10_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin. It is Monday the 21st and of course the wallabies were fucking robbed over the weekend.
No need to dwell on that. No, no need to dwell on it.
The All Blacks are cheats as well so we'll move right along. How you doing this weekend Wendell? Yeah, a bit dusty, a bit bruised on a Monday morning Clancy but I'm alright. How are you? I'm well.
It's good all this football will be wrapping up soon and of course we'll be straight into spring carnival but we won't talk about that. No, we might steer a little bit clear of that one after the news. Now let's start off with some other national news and that is Pornhub announces partnership with Tesla to capitalise on emerging driverless car market. It's a no brainer mate really. This new initiative by Tesla. Obviously there's going to be a lot of hands free people and you know as one would know if you've ever met a Tesla driver that they actually tend to be wankers. Yeah, exactly. They're cornering that part of the market so it's a very savvy business move. And in other news around the nation now an exclusive report was released by you Clancy and that was fuck yeah the Jacarandas are back on.
It's an exciting time of the year Wendell when we start seeing that Grafton snow sweeping the footpaths and of course the nature strips across the country down onto the streets. You've got to cherish it for a little while. You only get a little bit of time to enjoy it of course the Asian tourists will be rushing to whatever strip is made up of Jacaranda trees in both Brisbane and Sydney. It's very Instagrammable but there comes a time when that beautiful purple Brisbane snow Grafton snow whatever you want to call it actually becomes like a dark kind of paste and becomes quite slippery. And there was a comment from one of our top fans there Sean Myler who said it even makes Ipswich look pretty at this time of the year so quite incredible. That is beautiful and that is a feat.
And in some news from around town now an absolute psycho from high school is now a qualified nurse. Yes that is interesting recurring theme around the country we've since learned after publishing that story was a lot of people writing in to tell us about their absolute psychos from high school that are now in charge of the elderly or children but it's interesting with this particular story a lot of her former high school classmates actually thought she was going to become a cop. So for her to become a qualified nurse probably is probably better for society you'd argue? You'd definitely argue it's better for society and that nurse she is assuring everyone that she's actually changed and she's a different person now but it's just everyone who went to school with her and knew her during her formative years is just not so sure about it at all. So we'll have to keep an eye on her. They're just thankful she doesn't have access to a Glock 9 firearm.
Now in some other news from around town there was a bit of a scene on a job site this week a builder was shocked as his apprentice comes back from Bunnings with a tin of tartan paint and a box of bright sparks. You wouldn't read about it mate only in our newspaper of course where we break these kind of stories. From deep deep in the flight path district this week that was an amazing story and actually it silenced a lot of the worksite loudmouths around the country that this can actually be done. Yeah I think they should have sent him for a left handed hammer or a long wait instead. Now moving along into a different industry and an office sandwich press has been awarded the employee of the month award. That was in a local sales office down in Batuta Heights this week actually. Yeah interesting this time of the year you know we're not even that close to Christmas and the office sandwich press is working harder than everyone else. In the morning it's toasting a frozen croissant in the evenings it's toasting a schnitzel for whoever's staying late so congratulations to the office sandwich press. And it's worth noting that he managed to do all of that without ever needing to be cleaned.
Now moving along to some sports news and Rugby Australia's marketing pigeon dons his best pair of chinos and baxters ahead of a big day of NRC. Yes yes it was a big weekend for the rugby marketing pigeon he was flapping around all over the office where they've got him based in Japan at the moment managed to get the Wallabies team out and also a big weekend of NRC. What does NRC stand for do you know Clancy? I believe it stands for national rugby championships but many people have argued that it stands for no one really cares but I'll tell you what the NRL international nine's over the weekend no one knew what that was no one knew who was playing but I'll tell you what we knew when they were playing and where you could find it which is kind of the difference right now between rugby league and rugby union hence the marketing pigeon. Yes indeed Clancy yeah well he's got a bit of time off now anyway that's it for the news bulletin this week thanks for tuning in join us again next week for your weekly dose of regional and hard-hitting news until then I'm Wendell Hussey I'm Clancy Overall you be kind to each other you |
SaturdayNightLive | mark_wahlberg_talks_to_animals_snl | And now, Mark Wahlberg talks to animals. hey, I'm Mark Wahlberg. you guys know me. let's go talk to some animals. Hey, dog, how's it going? I like your fur. that looks really great. So you're a dog, right? what's that all about?
Okay. well, it was great to meet you. say hi to your mother for me, Okay? Now I'm gonna talk to a donkey. hey, Donkey, what's going on? you're a donkey. I like that. you eat apples, right? I produce entourage. Okay. talk to you later, Donkey. now I'm gonna talk to a chicken. hey, chicken, how's it hanging? a lot of people want to eat you, but I just want to talk to you, okay? we should do a film together. what do you think? chicken, I'm not joking around, okay? this is the real thing. I mean, this could be huge. All right, well, think about it. say hi to your mother for me, All right? Now I'm gonna talk to a goat. hey, goat, it's good to see you.
I like your beard. I had a beard like that in the Perfect Storm. Did you see that movie? did you see the Perfect Storm, Goat? say hi to your mother for me, Okay? This has been Mark Wahlberg, talks to Animals. |
SaturdayNightLive | wedding_venue_saturday_night_live | You've dreamed about this day forever. the day of your gay wedding. And shouldn't the most special day of your life be celebrated at the most special place on earth? New Moscow? Ground Zero coming this fall. there's so much more than a mosque. it's gonna have a gym, a swimming pool, a child care center, and it's the place for your gay wedding! Wedding's for two women. wedding's for two men. wedding's for a person and an animal. fabulous, classy, friendly. first class from top to bottom for top stand bottoms with a 20% discount for active military. And the Mosque at Ground Zero is conveniently located, you guessed it, just a stone's throw from Ground Zero. controversial? maybe. fun? definitely. Because we also offer great services like free naturalization for Mexican citizens, a state-of-the-art pregnancy termination lounge, and a cafe featuring a full espresso bar. The Mosque at Ground Zero!
It's nothing to worry about. it could happen. Paid for by the Republican National Committee on 70% of the deals. |
dropout | can_music_start_a_party_anywhere_social_music_experiment_2 | Music. It can do anything. Get you high. Get you naked. Get you laid.
I'm Reggie Watts. Here's my buddy Asif. We're two badass sociomusicologists. Welcome to The Social Music Experiment. I'm Reggie Watts.
As a sociomusicologist, I loved a party. I just wish there were more of them. In more places. Which is why today we're trying to find out if music can start a party. Anywhere. So, you work in a party store. So you must party a lot.
Yeah. You just party all the time? Yeah. Okay.
Which one of these hats would you pick for a party? This hat or this one? Okay, this one is for the kids and that one is for the adults. I think I'll be keeping. I'll buy this.
Do you have party animals here? What do you think about that? Um, no. Okay. Our next move was to go talk with some people that planned parties at the highest level. The local high school prom committee.
This is my colleague, Asif, and I'm Reggie. Connecting. I know how to connect.
Is it really hard to organize a prom? There's a lot of drama going on about prom. Yeah, some people say prom. Prom on.
It's a very Indian sounding word.
Don't do that.
What is the single most important rule to party planning?
Good music. Would you be open to me auditioning to perform for your prom? What is your talent?
Yeah. I'll put my mouth on that. Don't take it back. You got all the curves in the right places. I'm going to put my face in that. We'll look about it. We'll let you know. Okay. We were finally ready to help start some parties. Anywhere.
Using nothing but music. To understand how to get the party started, we sat down with DJ Superstar and new romantic, Borgor. What are some of the lyrics of this song, Nympha?
My mom, my dad, and my dildo. My mom. Now is dildo a sibling of yours?
What is twerking? Twerking is working out on your bottom-oriented workout.
I feel like just from the sound of it, I would enjoy that. Would you be interested in helping us party? Yes. Really? I mean... Oh, you weren't expecting that.
Can music start a party anywhere? Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to start with myself and Asif. I'm going to have a phone. We're going to hook up these two booms together to make it really loud. We're going to go to random locations and try to get people to party with us. So, in conclusion, can music start a party anywhere?
Do you think music could ever help settle a fight? In my experience, no. I should fucking deck you with a tee for acting like a little bitch. Your skinny pussy looks like your glasses are thicker than your dick. But is that...
I think that's enough. I think that's what we got enough for.
Is it really hard to organize a prom? There's a lot of drama going on about prom. Yeah, some people say prom-a. Prom-a.
That's a very Indian-sounding word. Don't do that.
What is the single most important rule to party planning?
Good music. Would you be open to me auditioning to perform for your prom? What is your talent? Yeah. I'll put my mouth on that. Don't take it back. You got all the curves in the right places. I want to put my face in that.
We'll talk about it. Yeah, I think we'll talk about it more. Okay.
We were finally ready to help start some parties anywhere using nothing but music. To understand how to get the party started, we sat down with DJ Superstar and new romantic, Borgor. What are some of the lyrics of this song, Nympha?
My mom, my dad, and my dildo. What, my mom? Now it's dildo a sibling of yours.
What is twerking? Twerking is working out on your bottom. It's a bottom-oriented workout.
Yeah? I feel like just from the sound of it, I would enjoy that. Would you be interested in helping us party? Yes. Really? I mean... Oh, you weren't expecting that.
Can music start a party anywhere? Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to start with myself and Asif. I'm going to have a phone. We're going to hook up these two booms together to make it really loud. We're going to go to random locations and try to get people to party with us.
This game, look, it's on me. Love will smell like that lady. Bad bitch is flocking.
Let us not rock. So, in conclusion, can music start a party anywhere? Do you think music could ever help settle a fight?
In my experience, no. I should fucking deck you with a tee for acting like a little bitch. Your skinny pussy looks like your glasses are thicker than your dick. But is that...
I think that's enough. I think that's we got enough. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_monologue_responsibility_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin. good evening, good evening, and welcome to Saturday Night Live. First of all, I wanna wish you all happy Holidays. And I say happy Holidays because I mean it, whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or even some other weird astrology cult that you believe in, but everyone else knows is hogwash. I love being back here on the show with the cast. I love so much, the regulars, Kevin, Dana, Phil, Victoria, and the newer cast members, Ramon, Tina, Biff, Frosty, and Spunky. you know, a lot of hosts wouldn't bother to learn the cast names, but I think that being a celebrity carries with it some responsibility. for example, when people come up to me in restaurants and say, i can see that you're eating, but I was wondering if I could have your autograph for my eight-year-old on her birthday. I always grabbed the genitalia and pulled down with a quick snap and release, never with a slow, tight grip like some celebrities do.
You know, I've been doing a lot of interviews lately because I have a movie coming out, and I think that one of the most commonly asked questions I get is, Steve, do you have a lot of creative input into the movies you do? Well, actually, yes. for example, I have a movie coming out next Friday called Father of the Bride. And when the Disney's, that's not important. when the Disney Studios called me up to ask me if I would be interested in doing Father of the Bride, I said, well, which role? And they said, well, the Bride. And I said, what if we went the other way? what if I played the father? And they said, hmm, interesting. And then as I'm talking to them, I realize if I play the father, I don't get to wear the white dress. So I say, do you think there's a place in the movie where I could wear the white dress, say at the wedding or something like that? And they say, well, really, the bride should wear the white dress. And I say, could we both wear the white dress?
And, you know, could we shoot it both ways? And that's what we did. And they decided ultimately to go with me in the suit, and I think that was the right choice, but I do have a photo of the scene that was cut out, and I'd like you to take a look at it. could you put that up, please? I thought it worked, but, you know, they think they're big shots. Okay, we have a great show tonight. James Taylor is here. |
dropout | how_to_talk_dirty | talking dirty it seems like everywhere you turn someone is practicing it these days from your grocer at the local supermarket to your best friend at the beauty parlor talking dirty has become a mainstream method for modern couples to achieve intimacy in the bedroom now let's look at a real-life application I want to fuck you nope sorry Charlie that approach won't work with today's woman try again I'm interested in fucking you okay the Indians say women have milky thighs true you're making me blush now we're getting somewhere put your mouth on my pants whoa slow down there tiger ha now is a good time for you to put your mouth on my pants okay would you like to go to a sexy movie with me girls like you have panties I want to make a bag of biscuits on your titties I'd like some biscuits okay your brassiere is the appropriate shape and size for me you should remove your bra or brassiere I'm gonna be a lifeguard inside your pussy I have to ejaculate let's try it again only this time try using a slightly different word for penis my cock and my balls are like a salamander well sure there's a lot of hair for his age talk to her about her ass and make it interesting and engaging I'm going to need your ass cheeks like bread dough I like drinks I like drinks too I like how wet they become they remind me of something oh yes I like the way the straw feels in my mouth my body is like a moist sponge I'd like to dry you off with my bedsheets perhaps you'd like to drive my stick shift oh I don't have a license I was talking about my penis you just hit a home run mister I'm ready to fuck you now you're welcome you're a winner |
SaturdayNightLive | firing_line_spontaneous_combustion_of_black_entertainers_snl | Doctor, I'd like to begin by axing you a question, if I may. to what do you attribute the sudden flammability of Negroes in the 80s? Well, we all know that throughout the years, blacks have always been, because of pigment, more heat conductive. But I believe that because of evolution, the black man is becoming more flammable every day. No, no, no, surely you're not implying the phenomenon is more prevalent among entertainers than among other blacks, African Americans, whatever the phrase is, current among you coloreds. As you know, entertainment is a business where lots of bright lights are used, and because our skin absorbs heat, many times black entertainers just burst into flames. that's why so many entertainers just disappear without a trace, take you right in the alley of the rippy fence. he was the hottest person in the show business for a little while, and one day he was in the studio too long, and his pants just exploded and he quit the business.
So you're saying this sudden ignitability accounts for the sudden disappearance of all those soul or fun groups that always seem to flourish under the liberal Democratic administration? Oh yes, yes, yes, definitely. many groups like Earth, Wind, and Fire, and the Silvers, and Tavares, and the Tramps, they've all stopped working together because there are just too many lights required to light a big group like that, you see. the more lights, the hotter it is, which makes for a greater flame possibility. in fact, the song Disco Inferno was written by The Tramps after they blew up after 1978 concert. Is that why so many of your black entertainers, if I may use the expression, are going solo, Your Richie, for example? Oh yes, that's why Lionel Richie left the Commodores. he's very shrewd and entertaining. You see, Lionel figured, hey, all these dudes on stage, somebody's going to ignite, all right? he left the group. You see, one singer, one spotlight, less heat.
And what about, what about the literally flamboyant Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson, He's certainly hot, according to the phrase. Well, Michael didn't leave the Jacksons yet, but who knows?
See, I mean, the gentleman recorded two smash albums by himself, back to back, and went into the studio with his brothers for one day, and his head blows up. Well, I think, to me, it certainly gives new meaning to his song, Beat It, if you guys mind. I give it, beat it, I give it. very well. funkify.
Yeah. many things happen that people don't even know about. I mean, in the state of Florida, for instance, at least one brother catch fire a week, but it's hidden from the Afro-american public, you see.
I see. So what are you saying here? What you're saying, in the 1960s, the catch phrase was, a black is beautiful. Other than the correct phrase for the 1980s is, a black is a flammable. I forgive me, but this whole thing smacks of kind of a left-wing conspiracy paranoia, if it gets my grip. the government doesn't want to start a panic amongst blacks. you know, the black population be staying in the house, and then, you know, America be boring, you know, be nothing, no baseball, no basketball, no football, no nothing, just hockey. I see.
Well, what a dismal of a world that we've been going through. I think, well, I think we ought to wind this one up if we catch a drift. Yeah. in the words of Bob Marley, there'll be some burning smoke in the night there. Yeah, you should be happy. thank you. the place is getting Jerry whacked out here, I very much say. Help! Tito! thank you. thank you very much. come to this next week. Tito! it might be time. |
dropout | nice_try_ihop_with_lance_reddick | They're everywhere. Mall parking lots, off the interstate, and the sickest part is you probably don't even know it. Old IHOPs pretending to be different businesses. It's the biggest goddamn scam in the country and I'm here to expose the scumbags behind it one IHOP at a time.
This is nice try, IHOP. I've played Officers of the Law on shows like The Wire and movies like Crackers on the Case. But nice try, IHOP. Well, this ain't no story book Hollywood Fantasy. We've shown the light of truth on over 100 IHOPs in disguise hops right here on our 4 a.m. true TV time slot. Doug's Premium Computers outside Chicago. Nice try, IHOP. Everything Aquarium. Austin. Nice try, IHOP. Leslie Akavan, DDS, Ohio. Great veneers. But nice try, IHOP.
Nice try, IHOP. We've been on to these crumb bumps from the stock, but I wanted to bust them in person. Why are you bring pancakes? I'm sorry, this isn't an IHOP. No, not IHOP.
Just dry cleaner. Could've fooled me. Damn, I love pancakes. Caught. Red-handed.
But just who are these fucking rat thinks behind the frauds? I sat down for an interview with the assistant manager of an IHOP posing as a sporting good store-and-sing pole. My goal? Get inside the mind of a true sociopath. When you wake up in the middle of the night, all alone with your guilt, do you hear the cries of people hungry for scrumptious blinses?
Okay, where's my dog? You said you had him.
Are you even a real cop? Why are you doing that? Looks like this case is closed. Oh, shh. Now, people say I'm crazy for doing this, but I look them right in the eye and I say, is justice crazy?
And then they say, no, but whatever you're doing with the show is. And I say, a sphincter says what? And they say, what? And I say, oh, so you're a sphincter? And they say, whatever.
I'm Lance Shredick, and I'm watching you, IHOP. |
cracked | 4_fan_fiction_subgenres_so_weird_they_re_inspiring_cracked_responds | I want to talk to you about fanfic. It's a thing everybody on the internet is doing very creatively, but I thought I'd get into some fanfic that I think has passed anything you've ever seen before. There's a whole fanfic category all about Pong, basically the first video game.
No, not about ping pong. That would make more sense. There are people in it. It's a game so simple we can all do an impression of it. Who are the characters? Paddle and other paddle, or the ball is often someone that they want or they're fighting over. That's what I thought it would be. If you just look at the titles, like when the pong ball is late, right, and the summary here is the pong ball is running a bit late for both paddles. They wrote 340 words about that. Did you say rated something? Most of them are rated T, I think, for team. There's also, you can filter essentially how graphic it is.
And if we go to rated M for mature, there are eight different works of pong fanfic. Pong sex. First one, very appropriately named pong sex. Pong orgy, little ways down.
They're like three given characters. You know what I mean? That's like a threesome top.
How do you even orgy? It's not an orgy. It's a paddle, a paddle, and a ping pong ball. But that's not even an orgy. That's just a game of pong.
It's written almost as if it's a poem. It's got a stance, oh, they were stiff off Viagra. The bars started thrusting the ball, urging the ball to give into their remote desires. The ball began to brag about how round and smooth it was.
I am coming right now. So we don't need to linger.
There's a couple more just genres of fanfiction. You may not know exist that I want to show you.
This one is called knotting, like tying. Tying and a knot, okay.
But it's also like wolf genitalia because this genre of fanfiction is a world set in the Omegaverse it's called. Where all of the characters have wolf-like genitalia. Apparently a wolf's penis will like form a knot on the end when it's engorged. And then it can't be removed from the partner. And so then these male characters are all like this. They will like smell each other's glands and be very wolf-like.
But there's also this One Direction one where it's Harry and Lewis are knotting each other. And one of them is pregnant at the time. Yes, that's the subgenre of it called M-preg where the men can get pregnant from this knotting.
Here's a line I need to, because, okay. Harry says, keep filling you with my cum, my babies. Why does he want to do that to his babies? I think the promise is in the wrong place. Oh, so keep filling with cum.
And my babies.
There it is. I want to show you this one. There's also a genre, it doesn't have that off of it. It's where inanimate objects are used as erotic characters. Oh, so you take a place or a thing. I do that all the time. This one you may have been inspired by or not.
But it's a fic called First Encounter, and it's where a giant squid has sex with Hogwarts, the school of magic, the building in the squid Hogwarts side, and it echoed within its empty halls. Well, as someone who just watched the sixth Harry Potter movie, I was really missing some Hogwarts. This really filled that void, if you know what I'm saying. I think that's the plot of the story. The giant squid saw how miserable Hogwarts was. It was true that he also missed the students, but for an entirely different reason.
He missed their terrified screams as he revealed himself rising from the murky depths of the lake. See, the squid is in the lake. There's all this tension, like the squid's in the lake, the building's on a hill.
When are they going to...
Also, I think Hogwarts is a he in this, in this pic. Is the squid a he? They're trying to put these squids and buildings in the boxes.
There's no judgment here. Judgment for me, but... I get the sense. At least you're fading. Maybe I want to get into this last set of things.
Kindle singles. Your Kindle can have a lot of different little one-off, one-shot singles. And people are writing some erotica where the title is a universe into itself. For instance, this fic is called unicorn colon, horn of desire, colon unicorn pleasures book one.
The colon is in punctuation. It's not the word, right? No, it's not. Good clarification.
My ass is haunted by the gay unicorn colonel. Good to see that someone who's gay reached that rank in the army with any judgment whatsoever. Yeah, openly gay unicorn colonel.
That's great. I don't care if my best friend's mom is a Sasquatch. She's hot and I'm taking a shower with her.
What's the back of this book say? Paperback is 719. That's not too bad. That one's available for Paperback. Yeah, you could own that one physically in your house. This one I have read.
This is by Hunter Fox. It's called A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay. That's an amazing title because how? I love the cover of this one though. He's really glistening. He looks great. The dino looks pretty limber jaw-wise. Just the way the cover is set up, it looks like it's called A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me and it's written by gay Hunter Fox.
I'd buy either of those books. With all these just boundaries and fanfic getting pushed, are there any other places fanfic can go? Like, are we done? Did we fic it? I'm gonna start writing my own now. Oh, great, right. Fanfictions of the fanfiction we just read. So these books just get together and they f*** each other.
I'm attracted to gay unicorn kernels because I'm an octopus f***ing a building. Also, we're wolves. Side note, dinosaurs. It's such a weird premise. I love it. Guys, thank you so much for watching this response video about the strangest, most exciting fanfiction we could find.
I'm gonna need a minute alone, guys. Camera's still gonna be here. |
dropout | every_7_seconds_the_date | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible. Right? That's funny.
So, do you have any hidden talents? I do have this one thing I do, it's called Tiny Mouth.
Here we go. Oh my god.
Pretty good. Yeah. Oh, do you like that? What? Do you like the wine? Yes. Yeah, it's good. Or is it?
I don't know. I don't really know.
Yeah, I used to act like I knew it made wine good or bad, but between you and me, it just kind of all tastes like watered down tar. Did you do that on purpose? Oh, sorry, I'm kind of a messy eater. That's really embarrassing. Oh, no, no, no. You know what?
That's totally fine. In fact, I think it's cute. Really? I do. Do you think this is cute? Oh, do you like that?
Mommy, please. Oh, that's right. I didn't ask you about your parents. Right. No. Um, okay.
Well, I don't talk to my dad anymore, and my mom is a clown. Like a real clown, like Ronald McDonald clown?
Okay, new order. We need a two-hot of vagina, three boobies, one assault day to Gucci with cauliflower. Did you just hear that? Okay, I admit it, I farted. What? No, ew. What about the ship?
Oh, this grapefruit is so wet.
What are you doing?
Okay, look, I know that I mash up my food, and yeah, you know what? I farted at the table, but that doesn't mean you have to criticize everything I do. You know what?
Let's just forget about dinner, and we can go and just have sex right now. Wow, really? I ask you if you want to have sex with me, and you just are silent.
Whatever. I'm out of here.
Wait, did that happen? Is this happening? |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_airplane_baby_snl | Good Evening, folks. We've just reached cruising altitude, and we'll be turning off those seatbelt signs. Enjoy Your flight. Hey, y'all. I Just wanted to say it's my baby's first time flying, so I apologize in advance for little Eddie here. I'm flying without my husband, so bear with me, please. Well, I've been there before. I Raised three on my own. How old is he? I'm 11 months. Oh, oh, wow. You mean 11 months in, like, 15,000 days? Ah, my ears feel strange. Oh, it's okay, honey. That's just the pressure from being up high. Yeah, and now my ears, they feel different. I Don't like it. It's okay here. Do You want your iPad, sweetie? The Peppa Pig device? That is the only thing I want. Here you go, sweetie. Kids in their iPads, right? Don't engage. I don't know how she does it. Peppa's just fantastic. I Just like this so much, I Just want to shake it. Aw, you are the sweetest little baby. Can I Get anything to drink for Baby Monster? I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, no worries. I'll do the Diet Coke, please. Oh, and for the little one? Who is that woman? She's not my mother. Now I'm feeling confused and uncomfortable, and frankly, I miss the womb. Sweetie, I'll get your ba-ba here. Oh! Thank you, but I feel much better. What happened to him? Oh, isn't he darling? I Was worried he'd come out overcooked, considering I was pregnant with him for two full years, but here he is, a perfect little angel, and he looks just like his father. He Looks like a father. Hey, you want to play a game, Bud? Not Right now. I'm going to see if I can fit my whole arm in my mouth. Sweetie, no. Sweetie, no. No, sweetie! Hey, how about we play with your pookie Bear, huh? Oh! I Love him. And Where'd he go? Harsh! No, Pookie! Oh, hey! Pookie has returned! I Feel such elation! And Where'd he go? Ah, no! Christ is gone! You Killed him, you bitch! Here he is! Oh! And Once more, he has returned! It's just a game, sweetie. Shh! Sorry again, y'all. First Time flying. You know how it is. Stop Looking at us. What is he doing? Is he pooping? I Don't like that he's staring at me. I'm done. But I Don't like the way it feels. I Don't like the way it feels. Next Time Use baby play. Fly your baby separately on Baby Play. |
dropout | start_up_guys_back_to_school | and monetize also for third parties. Now, speaking of third parties, we have two very special speakers here today. I met them briefly while consulting for a small media company.
So please help me welcome Hunter Funke and Brody Branch. All right, how's it going guys? Hey guys, good to be here.
Wow, can't believe it. Rockin' your Walter, he's a professor now, can't believe it. Can't believe we used to call this guy, Red Bullard Walter, because he drank so many RBBs, he passed out at a super Kmart parking lot at Justin Bieber's Underwear Launch Party in North South Carolina. This guy's an animal.
Okay, there's something right there. These guys, they know enough about me already, so let's just get started. John, let's just open it right up to the floor, and then we have the questions right off the bat. We don't actually know what you guys do. That was not a question, we're looking for questions. Fair enough. Anyone have one?
How much money you make? That's a really good question, sorry. I actually make 85K here. Hunter makes 83, which is really emasculating for him because we both do the same thing. Even though it's only a 2K or two difference, I try to make up for it, but I'm doing some freelance graphic design work and some bartending.
That's my little secret. Hopefully, that's now our little secret.
Let's talk about some important marketing terms. Terms you really should know. Market dynamism. R-O-I. Shrinking Roku, Mobisode exclusive. Advertising ecosystem.
And of course, the big one, BBM. BBM or BBM. That's terrific. Could you guys possibly- Give me an example in contact. Actually, getting a BBM from a girl I met last night.
I'm not sure if I should answer it, though, because if I do, then she'll know that I read it and think that I care. And he doesn't care. Well, maybe we can move on with a lesson once you put your personal issues aside.
Look at this guy cracking up. Front row of the comedy club over here.
What's your name, bro? What's your name, Pat? It's Matt. Matt, okay, Matt.
Why don't you try to hold your laughter for a second, stand up, and pitch us the N-B-T, the next great thing. I don't know about it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Something you need to have in this business is boss. Boss. Did Hunter freak out when he met Richard, cursed mom at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with his whole family? Absolutely, I did. That's why I'm making 83 and he's making 85. Now stand up. Well, I do have this one idea that uses crowd tracking technology to induce market dynamics for social networking and media platforms for Tumblr.
Wow, that would not work. Yeah, that could not work.
So, does anyone else have any questions? Hi, what are some challenges you two face in your industry?
Okay, that's great. Brody and I were consulting for a little while for a Joe Cola flavored caffeinated chocolate drink called Galano Water, and we were legally prohibited from drinking anything else for three years, for which we were paid a very small fee. Yeah, it was actually a pretty interesting thing that happened. Most of my teeth actually rotted from the inside out. These are all for news.
I get lightheaded when I urinate. Just the smell of soda makes me nauseous.
Sorry to cut you off there a while. Get another BBM from this stalker check. I'm not sure what to do. Why don't you BBM me her pin, invite her to group chat, and I'll join. Done? What's up, boo?
Full serial bar.
She loved that. She's back. At trailer park, 11 p.m. Good. And then we won't show up. Brilliant.
There you have it. Very challenging industry, so if there's any other questions this time. You know what? We got a private shit out of here.
Taking a metro north to a screening of Dark Knight Rises. Swear to me. At the Edgar Theater House in Rockland County, New York. The town with the highest teen suicide rate in all of the years. Can't believe that. 10 or 15 people. The movie's not even out yet. We're actually not gonna see the movie, per se, but we are gonna sit down with the local community college's multimedia class to talk about potential viral video campaigns for about six hours. Then we're gonna head down on a trailways bus to New York City, take a gypsy cap up to the Galway Hooker where there's an after party sponsored by Kim's Knesshes. You guys know the theme song. Kim's Knesshes.
Delicious. Yeah, delicious.
Actually, Hunter did the advertising for you. Check it out. You guys suck. Thank you guys so much. Well, I think that went great. Is that a soda? Yep. |
dropout | the_six_monsters_you_ll_have_as_roommates | Here's you. Here's the college you're going to. And here are the six monsters you'll have for roommates. Well, not literal monsters, but you'll see.
He's a perfect model of efficiency. Helpful. Friendly, even. He doesn't really understand your more human imperfections. His programming is rigid and well-defined.
Violated at your own risk. Watch. His head will explode any second now. What do you want me to do?
Yeah, it's a dirty plate. So that wasn't his head.
There's no firm evidence this roommate exists. Hello? Does he spend all his time with his girlfriend at home? Things move around mysteriously while you're not looking. Is he dead? If so, do you get a free pass this semester or something? You think he might be trying to communicate with you. But you'll never know for sure.
Looking like an ad for hair gel doesn't automatically make him a monster. But you've noticed things. He stays up all night, can't stay in the sunlight, and brings home a different victim every night. Can you please keep it straight? And you're not saying he sucks their blood for sustenance.
Hey, wanna go out now? Seriously?
But you've never seen him eat anything. Weird. He must have supernatural powers. Otherwise, how the fuck is he getting laid more than you? So you're from... Wherever he's from, he has a poor judge of social norms. Strange habits.
And this thing. If it's a bong, you want to hide it. If it's a dildo, you don't want to touch it. And if it's neither, you... Like any story about aliens, your friends will never believe you.
Where are you going? The first thing you notice is the smell. So, what died in here? He doesn't seem to notice it. Hey, my parents are coming today, and I'm just kind of hoping we can clean it. He just shambles around, leaving little pieces of himself wherever he goes.
Hey, how was your day? Cool. And not to force the metaphor here, but he does seem to want your brains. Jesus!
Get your own chem lab, man. You have to get your own place. Finally, that holy treasure, a single, a bachelor pad, made a bachelor kingdom all to yourself.
Maybe he'll have a three-way, or a four-way, or just stay in bed all day and eat cake and hot wings. What was that? Probably nothing. Just a burglar, demon Freddy Krueger, Cthulhu, shit, shit! Maybe you'll give the vampire a call. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_alex_moffat_and_kyle_mooney_snl | This week marks two years since the beginning of the first Covid Lockdown. And let's just say some people have handled the stress better than others.
Russia has passed a fake news law that makes it illegal for any organization to report information that contradicts what the government says, which explains the recent headline, 6'5 Putin. Not insane. President Biden downplayed the possibility of U.s. military intervention, saying, we will not fight the Third World War in Ukraine. And I understand, but it's hard to stand by and watch Putin bombing things like schools, a maternity ward, and I'm just going to assume puppy daycare centers. The situation is so upsetting that I've honestly thought about marching down to the nearest Army enlistment office and signing Che up. after the U.s. ban on Russian oil gas prices hit a record high of $4.30 a gallon, which is so expensive that America, we might have to move back in with our ex.
Come on, Eric. I'm going to stop loving you, baby.
Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian-made cars, but a Russian-made car is just a drunk bear on roller skates. Starbucks has responded to the invasion of Ukraine by shutting down its locations in Russia in hopes of sending a message to President Vanderpump Rintin. after Mcdonald's announced it would stop doing business in their country, Russians have begun hoarding their sandwiches, including some honorary Russians.
Congress passed a bill that makes lynching a federal hate crime punishable by up to 30 years in prison. And they're not messing around. you can get 150 days with just making one up.
Disney employees were upset that the company took so long to condemn Florida's proposed don't Say Gay bill, Although at Disney, they actually don't say Gay. they say Timon and Pumbaa. Florida Governor Ron Desantis, seen here waving Covid into the club, he attacked Disney for opposing the state's don't Say Gay bill, calling the company a Woke Corporation. Disney denied the claims of wokeness with roughly 90 years of cartoons.
Well, it's officially Oscar season, and here to give his predictions for Hollywood's biggest night, is film critic Terry Fink. Mr. Jost is a privilege to be back, my sir. Terry, I understand you've seen every single film up for an Oscar this year, is that right? Bingo, Hoss, and every film not nominated, too. it's been one heck of a 48 hours. I'm sorry, you watched every single movie from this year in the last two days. how is that even possible?
Oh, all thanks to a little multivitamin I take called Lsd. yep, the Lsd helps me Lsc all these terrific films. First up, my pick for best flick, Power of the Dog. Who let this dog out of the closet? that's the question posed by Director Jane Campion in this hysterical gay western. Benedict Cumberbatch rides high as the titular dog, the Bounty Hunter. that is, until bizarrely stepping through the screen just to make fun of my undies and the voice of my middle school boy. aside from that, it's the best movie I've ever seen. Colin? yeah, Power of the Dog isn't about Dog the Bounty Hunter, And you realize Lsd isn't a vitamin, it's a hallucinogen. you say tomato, I say blah, blah, blah.
Next up, in animation, fun for the whole familia, and Canto feels worse than being on fire. Hand drawn by legendary auteur, the Zodiac Killer. this all gray, throbbing stress, the stress dream does Dragon Spots, But local gangster rapper, Lin-manuel Samantha, he saves the day once again with his catchy hit, 12 hours of Screaming. this film warmed my heart, broke my brain, and sold my kidney for dogecoin. I give in Canto 10 tiny, terrified terries. Mr. President? man, Terry, I gotta say, I'm really starting to worry about you. and I'm starting to worry there is no Terry. say la vie. Oh yeah, okay. next up, my pick for best original screenplay, Kenneth Branagh's Belfast. get the tissues ready as Johnny Knoxville and his band of idiots pop around town and torture each other's balls. in this Troubles era, tear jerker. But it's Dame Judi Dench who literally soars as Wee Man shot out of a cannon directly into my open mouth. Yummers! I couldn't stop laughing or crying or doing the nae nae until I was forcibly removed by Regal Cinema's strongest teens. I give Jackass Belfast 4d 20, twerking, ticklish terries.
Terry? you're Terry. and you're a wonderful friend. too bad I'm gonna eat your face. Terry, thank you everyone. I'm gonna do it, Terry.
The new Hbo show, Gilded Age is being praised for highlighting wealthy Black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I. Cheryl P. Paul. it was reported that Queen Elizabeth Ii has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace, and this is weird, in with John Mayer. a thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. even more disturbing, it was an Arby's truck. Producers for this year's Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong'o, or, as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucretia Barnabas. A new report shows that during the pandemic, meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on a popular meth user app, Toothgrinder. You hear that?
The U.s. government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow, so we changed those names, but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel.
Tuesday was International Women's Day, so hopefully you remember to smile. scientists are saying that by using new gene-editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island Rat. Or not. the other option is not. a video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City Subway while other passengers appear not to care. But they were probably too nervous to say something because I'm on Tv. an assistant principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children's book, I need a new Butt. the book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle. recent studies show that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer.
He's great, man. What's going on? y'all got a legit setup. Thanks, yeah. So, Dan, you're super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right? something like that, yeah. So I basically wanted life straight up. just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like a bazooka. my life is insane. Yeah, that's cool, man. Che, Che. ask me how many girls I'm dating right now. how many girls are you? 940. Okay, cool, man. it is cool. I agree.
So yeah, I'm dating the non-hundo girls. I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? you just have to type it out. you're writing a book? Yeah, man. it's kind of like Hemingway, but for guys, too thick. And that's me in the zone writing about my struggles with shirts. So it's like a memoir. Yeah, yeah. it's the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds, and changing the world through positivity. it's called Aspoo. Wow, that's good for you, man. Gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?
Let me put it this way. do you know that ancient story of the farmer and the crow? No, I don't think I do. Oh, so it's like, the farmer has three daughters. he's a very wise farmer. first daughter goes to the farmer, says, i saw a crow. farmer says, maybe. second daughter goes to the farmer, says, dad, i saw a crow. daddy says, maybe. then the crow goes to like an old maid, or it's like a cobble. and then the first girl. I'm trying to remember. hey, you all right, man? yeah, yeah. it's just, the point of the story is like, everything is just insane. okay, that's it? I think so. hey, man, are you happy? no way, no. And bulldozer, everybody. good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | tiny_ass_bag_snl | Are you tired of carrying around a big bag looking like you're about to donate stuff to Google? Does your big bag make you look like you're always coming home from sleepaway camp or serving in the army? Well, try. Tiny-ass Bag. My bag is small, but I am big.
You don't like it? Kiss my rear.
We are Rogelio. Maria Jose. and Kevin. and we're here to tell you that right now, Tiny is huge.
Yes, Kane. we love you, Kane.
Do you want to look fashion while you go on a trip? We present to you tiny-ass luggage. you don't need to bring anything. what are you, a bellboy? there will be stuff there. tiny-ass luggage is perfect for carrying. a reasonable amount of cocaine. And that's it. a mitochondria. my bag is little and my ass is fat. I'm the king of the world. Tiny-ass Bags has something for everybody. Just ask our associate, Georgina. this is Georgina and I don't have the last name. it's Georgina and that's it. And that's it. we also have a carry-on option. this one is so small, it can only fit your secrets. Like this.
And that's it. The only thing that's better than the fashion is the prices. La Cucaracha and $1,000. And that's it. that would be super tiny. $14,999. And that's it. the tiny-ass hiking backpack. $25,650 plus tax. And that's it. So leave your house at home and come on down to. the tiny-ass bag that comes to store. And that's all. Kevin! I mean, that's it. |
cracked | 7_movie_jokes_you_missed_if_you_only_speak_english | Seven jokes, you're gonna speak English. He serenaded me with a beautiful old Guatemalan love song.
Really? That's... That's... sounds nice.
We're not gonna be using blanks this time. You can't be serious.
Yeah. Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over. What do you say, what do you say? Do you take German? French. All right.
These are ich luga bullets. My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WW2. They're like tranquilizers. Only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood but no real damage.
Kurt doesn't look too good. Just remember he's left-handed.
This is what I am. This is a wild state.
It will not be moved. Hoder! I don't know, budge, keep your hoder.
Looking for hospital admissions?
Will you be one in the back putch, sir? Middle of the day, Alfred. Not very subtle. The Lamborghini day. Much more subtle. |
TheOnion | Knicks_Trade_Jeremy_Lin_For_Selfish_Asshole_Who_Plays_Knicks_Style_Basketball | Not even the AFC South? No! What about the Mountain West? Doc, I'm telling you, there's no more football.
Now do that thing that makes us all sick. In 1979, I ate a plate of fish so sour that it nearly killed me with food poisoning. It was disgusting and sometimes sports disgust me too. This is sour fish.
Alright, gaze into the rotten fish's rotten eye, Doc. What do you see?
The New York Knicks acquired a stomach-churning fish today when they traded away fundamentally sought team player Jeremy Lin from Monte Ellis, a selfish, shot-eating asshole who plays Knicks-style basketball. New Yorkers deserve a player who reflects their values, not a disciplined, articulate floor general like Jeremy Lin. Ellis gives the Knicks the scrawn-board fish poisoning they need with his pig-headed chucker mentality, total lack of defense, and ability to completely stop caring. Lin was no Knick. He looked for the open man and drew fouls instead of missing reams of contested threes and then pointing fingers at teammates whose names he never learned. Now that Lin's gone, the fans can watch Melo and Amari suck while Ellis tries to drive through triple coverage.
Okay, you've made me sick. Congratulations. Next fish, Doc.
I'm heaving up rotted fins just thinking of engine Derrick Rose who announced that he'll play while strapped to a gurney so we won't miss another minute of basketball. He's a crippled genius. One good shove on a fast break and no one's catching that gurney. And you can use it in a trap on defense. A long gurney is hard to dribble around. You can't hide a sour fish on a fancy platter. Rose is going to aggravate his injury while putting himself at risk for bed swords. Roll him up in the post and he'll be able to take at least five charges before the gurney breaks or he dies. Feel your fish exit. There's nothing he can do from a gurney that he can't do better from a baby basket worn by Omar Essie.
Don't talk about turks. It puts me ill at ease. All right, what's the next corrupt fish coming up your gullet?
Spring training started this week and I'm already smelling sour cod, infestering white sauce after hearing that Mariner's pitchers and catchers have been too embarrassed to approach each other for a catch. Pitchers hobnob with pitchers. The catchers stick together and no one is crossing the diamond to ask for a pitcher catcher toss. It's pathetic. The coaches need to break the ice.
Start light with some goofy knuckle balls and e-fist pitches. And before you know it, they'll have some serious fast balls going. Tansies. Back in the day, Nolan Ryan would just start hurling fast balls. Had whoever showed up, they'd get the catcher's gear on real quick.
Believe me. That's how you get the sour fish in. Throw it down that throat before it can swell shut. My throat's never open around you, Doc, and for good reason. Okay, that's the sour fish.
Awesome. Pedaling makes me happy. Exit.
There's nothing he can do for McGurney that he can't do better from a baby basket worn by Omar Essid.
Don't talk about turks. It puts me ill at ease. All right, what's the next corrupt fish coming up your gullet?
Spring training started this week, and I'm already smelling sour cod and festering white sauce after hearing that Mariner's pitchers and catchers have been too embarrassed to approach each other for a catch. Pitchers hobnob with pitchers. The catchers stick together, and no one is crossing the diamond to ask for a pitcher catcher toss. It's pathetic. The coaches need to break the ice.
Start light with some goofy knuckle balls and e-fist pitches. And before you know it, they'll have some serious fast balls going. Tansies. Back in the day, Nolan Ryan would just start hurling fast balls. And whoever showed up, they'd get the catcher's gear on real quick.
Believe me. That's how you get the sour fish in. Throw it down that throat before it can swell shut. My throat's never open around you, Doc, and for good reason. Okay, that's the sour fish.
Awesome. Pedaling makes me happy. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Biden_Texts_Albanese_Florida_Moves_To_Ban_Round_The_Twist_Episode_AFL_Creates_New_Rule | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate Weekly News Board and my name is Clancy Overall. I am as I said as walking into this booth catastrophically hungover because we finished I guess I'll be honest about it really we had a rap party last night for the new Petuta Presents TV show on Paramount Plus, Wendell and Errol were both there so was Effie but I decided to push the boat out a bit further than them like a moron so here I am trying to run the weekly Petuta bulletin and I'm going to hand over to Wendell to do a bit more of the heavy lifting.
Yeah you did pretty well there. Yeah well you look like you held a steak knife up to some cops last night in a nursing home in Cooma. I think you've been electrocuted. I was playing up last night the cops should have treated me like a 95 year old in Cooma and tasered me twice because at least I would have gone to bed a bit earlier.
Getting stuck into some coconut water MCT premium liquid. Nature's Powerade. You have had like two litres of that which is that's going to go through you like a pipe cleaner. It's going to go through me like a Burgess. You'll be walking home and then like you'll just have to squat between two parked cars and just go hell for leather.
I've seen someone do that I won't say which country because people will call me racist but I've seen someone do it. We all know which country it was.
I watched a man shit on the street less than a week ago. Petuta Ponds? No no it's a nice part of town it was in the French Quarter. He saw this guy's butthole open and the poo come out. I genuinely couldn't believe it. He's paying out the arse to live there. Mind the pun but like. It was a perfect cartoon shit too. It was incredible.
So you saw his. You saw his. No so I didn't see the sphincter. What happened was he looked he was bending over and he looked like he was pulling his pants down. I thought he's not pulling his pants down and then I just saw stuff fall out of him. I realised that he just unloaded his phone from the night before and then he started to pull his pants up and then I saw his bare bottom. And then I looked at the perfect cartoon feces and I kept walking by.
You're getting a bit excited telling this story actually. I would have picked it up and thrown it at him. If you want to act like an animal I will too. Anyway can we get on like I feel sick hearing that story.
You just stared. You just watched him finish it. You didn't think to look away? Oh yeah well look hopefully I won't be watching you after all that coke in the water. I would have watched it too. I started watching I was walking.
How often do you get to see something like that? Someone take a shit start to finish. It's not like. It was over in about two seconds. It's not like you start to finish. It's like a lunar eclipse like it just it's rare. Mate it's not that rare. You aren't allowed to look at it. Sorry it's not that rare. A billion people do it every day they shit in the street. What's rare is standing there and looking at it start to finish watching it come out of them.
Anyway what's first up in the news? All right we're going to start off with simple legal news. The headline reads like this.
Yeah leaving mine now Biden texts Albanese ahead of cancelling historic visit to Australia. Yes Prime Minister Albanese was dogged quite severely this week after inviting one of the older boys to his carefully curated house party 80 year old US President Joe Biden bailed on Albanese and the boys at the last minute despite setting Air Force 2 and close to 100 security personnel to case the place out before his arrival.
You know that's technically not correct. Air Force 2 is what the vice president flies on and it's a Boeing 757. It's actually much more. Did Josh Frydenberg have a Shark 2?
No he didn't. Anyway and to make matters worse he strung everyone along until the last minute as well. He reportedly texted Alba that he was leaving his place now despite still being in the bath. He obviously had zero intention of leaving the house at all and understandably Albanese was left pretty crushed by the betrayal.
Very upsetting. Moving over to the United States and Florida has moved to ban the Round the Twist episode where Pete gives birth to a tree fairy baby. In some curious news from the home of the brave and the land of the free a famous episode of Round the Twist has been banned from schools in the US state of Florida. It is the latest battleground in the war on wokeness with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis continuing on with his don't say gay law and it means an Aussie favorite has copped a blow. Yes the episode was the first one in season three where young Pete pisses on a tree and becomes pregnant with a tree dryad's baby which then he gives birth to out of his mouth. Apparently the whirling dervish episode could be the next on the chopping block as well which if anyone remembers it's where it was Pete Bronson Bronson the little boy swallowed a fish that went into his penis and turned it into a rotor of sorts yeah and he was able to fly because his cock was spinning around like a helicopter so fast anyway I can see why watching that too god has forgotten us and we like the generation of people grew up on this stuff and I can see why Florida would want to ban it anyway moving on yeah some news here in town and a neat freak has breathed a sigh of relief as the clothes pile on a chair turns out to actually just be a creepy man watching her sleep. A self-confessed neat freak last night had the absolute shock of her life was quote worse than the time her A1 sized in sync poster fell down in the middle of the night. Melissa Riviera from Batutah Heights told the advocate that she'd been on the verge of having a panic attack after spying what she thought looked like a pile of clothes sitting on the armchair in the corner of her bedroom however after her eyes settled into focus she realized it was just a very creepy man with indiscernible features watching her sleep as she said to the advocate can you imagine what would I do next leave my dishes to soak in the sink you know people listening at home will think that we're reading this off a script but you know this is just how we usually talk yeah well everyone talks like we're Christopher Pine hello I have bad times trying to pick up social cues sports news we're finishing up the week with some sports news and the AFL has created a new father son who is also my cousin rule for the new Tasmanian AFL team in a wonderful show of class the AFL has enhanced its inclusivity credentials by making the game more accessible to our southern island brethren the traditional father-son rule is arguably the game's most well-loved tradition it allows clubs preferential recruitment access to the sons of former players who have made a major contribution to the club true and as an ethnic Tasmanian I think this article is fucking extremely offensive but anyway and now the AFL is celebrating the unique family structures of the region by creating a special supplement to the father-son rule that will now be unique to the island nation this will see the rules reach extended to allow the game's 19th club to have preferential access not only to sons of former players but to sons who are also my cousins of former players fuck me that's like you're so fucking funny a good leg up for the newcomers to the league fuck you a lot of the readers really liked it eril parker I'm looking forward to the family catch-up so we have to have a lot of mainlanders yeah fucking inbreds fucking toothless inbreds anyway um that's enough from us this way it certainly is anyway goodbye go fuck yourself |
SaturdayNightLive | pete_davidson_cold_open_snl | This week we saw the horrible images and stories from Israel and Gaza and I know what you're thinking. Who better to comment on it than Pete Davidson?
Well, in a lot of ways I am a good person to talk about it because when I was seven years old, my dad was killed in a terrorist attack. So I know something about what that's like.
I saw so many terrible pictures this week of children suffering Israeli children and Palestinian children and it took me back to a really horrible, horrible place. And um, you know, no one in this world deserves to suffer like that, you know, especially not kids, you know.
After my dad died, my mom tried pretty much everything she could do to cheer me up. I remember one day when I was eight she got me what she thought was a Disney movie, but it was actually the Eddie Murphy stand-up special. Delirious. and we played it in the car on the way home and when she heard the things Eddie Murphy was saying, she tried to take it away.
But then she noticed something for the first time in a long time. I was laughing again.
I don't understand it. I really don't and I never will.
But sometimes comedy is really the only way forward through tragedy. You know, my heart is with everyone whose lives have been destroyed this week. But tonight I'm gonna do what I've always done in the face of tragedy and that's try to be funny. Remember I said try and live from New York, it's Saturday night I was killed in a terrorist attack. so I know something about what that's like.
I saw so many terrible pictures this week of children's suffering Israeli children and Palestinian children and it took me back to a really horrible, horrible place. And um, you know, no one in this world deserves to suffer like that, you know, especially not kids, You know.
After my dad died, my mom tried pretty much everything she could do to cheer me up. I remember one day when I was eight she got me what she thought was a Disney movie, but it was actually the Eddie Murphy Stand-up Special. Delirious. and we played it in the car on the way home and when she heard the things Eddie Murphy was saying, she tried to take it away.
But then she noticed something for the first time in a long time. I was laughing again.
I don't understand it. I really don't and I never will.
But sometimes comedy is really the only way forward through tragedy. You know, my heart is with everyone whose lives have been destroyed this week. But tonight I'm gonna do what I've always done in the face of tragedy and that's try to be funny. Remember I said try in Life from New York. it's Saturday night. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jojo_siwa_on_gay_pop_and_her_bad_girl_era_snl | Former child star Jojo Siwa just released her first grown-up single, Karma, and surprised fans by debuting a new good Girl Gone Bad persona. here to comment is: Jojo Siwa. Wow. Oh my God, Jojo. that's what I call it. Yeah, Jojo, this is a very different look. you know, we're all used to you wearing outfits like this. but now it's this. that's a pretty big change. I used to be Rainbow Sparkles and now I'm Black Sparkles. I look like if a figure skater joined a street gang. Yeah, I was going to say if Mad Max was on Broadway. does it scare you, Colin? does a former child star looking like this scare you?
Yeah, but not in the way you're hoping. I'm in my bad girl, Erin. do cigarettes. what? it's very natural. I'm sorry, you can't smoke in here unless you're Dave Chappelle.
Well, then I'll just hide it in my breast part of my body suit for later. really cool. Yeah, so how are people reacting to your transformation? it's been called gutsy, brave, and revolutionary. All right, and who are those quotes attributed to? Me. I'm very cocky. that's what she said. But seriously though, Colin, I completely reinvented myself.
I mean, no one my age has done this. Yeah, and how old are you, Jojo? Well, from 2011 to 2023, I was eight. but now I'm 20 and gay. I'm afraid that you never met a gay girl before. Well, as a matter of fact, a lot of the women I dated turned gay. Thank you very much. But Jojo, you were quoted as saying you invented a new genre of music. that's right. gay? that's maybe just pop.
But I have to ask, why are you doing this? Because I'm an artist, Colin. I'm holding a mirror up to society, and then I'm holding that mirror up to myself. and thinking, whoa, that's what I look like? Because that's crazy.
Hit the Track. Jojo, Siwa, Everyone. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_meat_murder | On the one hand, eating meat is unethical. No question about it. On the other hand, I'm a bad person, and I don't care. I just hate that vegetarians are always pushing their beliefs on me.
Like, we'll be at a cookout, and I'm like, hey man, you want a burger? And they're like, no thanks, Dan. And I'm like, shut up, you smug son of a bitch!
If you think about it, why aren't we more grossed out that we're eating dead bodies? We freak out if there's a hair on our food, but if there's skin and veins and muscle tissue in it, we're like, ooh, delicious. Let me dip it in barbecue sauce. Yeah, it's murder, but some murders are better than others. If you raised a chicken and then kill it to feed your starving family, that is a great murder. But if you just go to McDonald's when you're drunk and order a 20-piece box of chicken nuggets, you're basically chicken Hitler. A hamburger shouldn't be on any dollar menu. An animal died, you should be paying more than a dollar. Have a nice piece of meat and treat it like a special thing. Don't have it as like, oh, and also a burger with my other burger. That's gross. Best thing about vegetables, they're not just good for eating.
If you know what I'm talking about, I have a medical problem. This is as much as I can. Even this looks kind of big. I have a really tiny pussy.
Mm, smothered with a pillow. Suicide.
You know, Hitler was a vegetarian and a painter and a kind of a control freak. I think my college roommate was Hitler. Hey man, we should treat humans and animals as equals. We're all the same. Farm to table. Ugh, the most annoying thing about vegetarians is how their mere presence reminds you that you know what you're doing is wrong, but you lack any sort of willpower to make a positive change in your life. So instead you vent those frustrations on the people whose existence makes you feel bad in the first place, thereby revealing your own deeply held insecurities. Ah, it's like eat a fucking corn dog.
Jesus. Pfft. Hey. Boo. |
dropout | the_mad_republican_tea_party | I'll very marry on Independence Day to me. To you? To me! Oh you! I'll very marry on Independence Day to you. To me? That's who! Pardon me, but on Independence Day? What's that? It's what we have to celebrate now that our country has been taken over by a raging socialist!
Why that doesn't sound like much fun at all. That's because you're not tea bagging! Tea bagging? Why that's rather rude. Rude? It's rude to bail out these Wall Street fat cats. Very very rude indeed. Well I suppose I'm sorry, but what exactly is this?
I thought you just... like it's tea. Tea! Yes, TEA. Taxed enough already! Oh, this is a political tea party. A party of fiscal responsibility! Tea don't mind if I do.
But lowering taxes got us where we are. Don't you think we should raise taxes for the rich? Raise taxes?
Ahhh! Grab the TV!
I do say, instead of getting all worked up, shouldn't we be able to have an intelligent discussion? We prefer just to shout angrily. But I haven't either! I am! I don't think that we... Baby killer! But... No values! I'm American! So what is it you actually do?
We make signs! Signs? Signs! We love signs! Look at our signs!
But Medicare is a form of socialized medicine.
She's mad! I'm just saying it's hypocritical to... Mad! Strong raving mad! Quickly!
Put on this dress and glasses and tell us we're real Americans! You're real Americans?
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Oh god! Yes! Thank you!
I'm late! So very, very late for a very important debate!
Why, this research is entirely useless! Why is that? Well, it's full of facts! Facts, facts, facts! You don't need these! Bad research! There's only one way to stop facts!
You know, I do think that I'm going to be on my way! First, blow this candle out and make your wish come true! Well, that isn't what I wished for at all! |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_wrestling_sounds_to_non_wrestling_fans | welcome to the official WWJD free snack job showcase we have with us in the studio today WWJD legend lug nut everybody thank you Clifford so happy to finally be here and out of that maze well we're dying to know lug nut what are your predictions for tonight's lineup well bison it's so tough to tell we got so many great matches here the under Baker versus hunk hoagie I think things could end in a tie Kirk kann versus Royner stereotype that's definitely a tie but I think we're most excited to see Chinatown take on chocomotive I mean ever since he defibrillated dinosaur in the summer snap this kid's ego has been through the roof which will ultimately end up fueling the perfect tie right right well we got several new wrestlers making their debut tonight we got log jam squamous beveled edge Suzy shirt Ray Romano rainbow Bono kid Hitler you know I just gotta say this to these young guns I'm seeing this a lot all these new moves they're trying to create shroom-toon triple-bricking lemon party it's unnecessary I mean I remember a time where it was all just bites you bite their hand you bite their neck right you don't gotta eat them you just gotta bite them total legend take it from me it's how I tied Clorox in the dungeon Bowl how I stale made it a horse buckle at Jam Jam I had the perfect draw with hellhole in the bread bowl don't forget your history with the big maraca right the big maraca I believe he's referring to your fight at last year's big maraca I thought the big maraca was a booth no it's it's a wrestler I don't know who that is Oh dinosaurs brother yes who was murdered by phone book well but then came back to life only to be decapitated by mr. chapstick with a toilet shard really that was in that guns and ladders man yes I remember wow they should really sweep up after those toilet matches I have a question do you see a possible cage match tonight well cage is an excellent fighter but I doubt he'll make a comeback since he got his throat slashed with that toilet sharp honestly I doubt toilet matches will make you come back after a tie that gruesome if you ask me and I'll just say these eggs stink please take them away from me I did not ask for these I don't know doctor said I have something called diaperia okay I perforated my perineum which is doctor talk for taint dr.
America's rematch with USA is tonight yes their previous 4th of July brawl had everyone's speechless the crowd was literally dead silent the entire match why was that well cliff who's gonna cheer for USA's defeat let alone America's downfall from sea to shining shore well they certainly won the crowd back when they teamed up to clam slam pair poly Joe for not standing during the national anthem Wow now fellas can we talk about trans wrestlers for a moment because squamous his brave announcement has made quite the buzz on the Twittersphere my best friend Lonnie's a little person I mean we're talking freakishly small like cat size once I saw him use a laptop as a bark a lounge he has a tumor in his brain okay cliff well fellas it looks like smack job is about to begin who stepped on my dr. pepper Jerry I was gonna drink that be sure to tune into the after show where we will break down all the highlights of the night you was in my writer I wanted purple M&Ms only I don't care if they don't make you purple M&M thank you purple oh did you do you think the video is over well you're wrong because this video is sponsored by raid shadow guys guys guys raid shadow legends is completely free to play it has amazing PC or console quality graphics right here on your phone ever since I downloaded this beautiful game can't put the damn thing down it's got me hook line and sphincter hi I'm thin meat Canyon aka wish.com Curtis Connor and we're here to tell you that raid shadow legends is celebrating its fourth birthday to do so raid shadow legends is going on an egg hunt we're hunting goddamn dragon eggs using your phone sashay to the dragon's lair and if you're lucky enough to find hidden egg you'll be in for the chance to win amazing in-game items or even real-life prizes we are talking legendary raid champions to Amazon gift cards with a total value of $20,000 I'll never see that much money in my entire life unless I find the egg you just download raid shadow legends using the links below or the QR code on the screen go to this link from now until May 15 enter your player ID journey to the flaming portal and get ready to go on the most exciting AR adventure you'll ever experience this event is for new players but if you're an existing raid player you can join the fun to go to this link and you'll find a special promo code that everyone can use to earn a small in-game gift the other day my wife's boyfriend asked me he came into the room he said you know I was wondering if you could invite four raid shadow legends champions to a dinner party who would it be first by stuff is second under priest Brodney third Gorgorab need I say more I will finally Calvillax he has an effective anywhere speed aura of 19% I like those odds and you want to know why I picked those vicious warriors I think they just be free thinkers open minds great good listening just real friends use our link in the description or scan our QR code on the screen to get ridiculous bonuses does an epic champion Drake from the lizardmen faction do it for you my god guys these rewards are available for the next 30 days and are only for new players come find me under the name Curtis Canyon and if you're cool enough we might just let you join our clan so hit our link in the description and I'll see you on the battlefield |
dropout | everyone_s_junk_mad_cow_disease_and_mermaid_sex_collegehumor_comment_show | Welcome to the new comment show, the new-ish comment show. Why? In the past, we've answered your questions from the YouTube comments, or responded to your YouTube comments, but this week we're doing things a little differently. Ooh. This isn't your dad's comment show. Yeah.
These comments come from our Facebook page, our customers' Facebook page. I don't think we've ever done it before. We weren't these comments coming from? I was loading it. We asked for your questions about our videos, about our innermost desires and personal secrets.
Wow. OK. The first one is just like, what product does Adam use in his hair? I'll take this one. OK. Ooh. Orange is my favorite color.
Nate Colosimo writes, what happened to Dinosaur Office? That's a really good question. That is a really good question. I am the least qualified person here to answer that, but I love that Dinosaur Office.
Go for it. I think, yeah, you are in it. I was Sheila. You're so funny, Craig. Craig!
Really, the problem is that Dinosaur Office is very intense to make. My cousin Megan's daughter, Emma, big Dinosaur Office fan.
She's very, very, very young. Really? Yeah. Probably the youngest person to be disciplined by the early cancellation of the show. And I started a little baby.
It's like, where is it? Where's the Dinosaur Office? It's like, it's in turn around right now. It's like, oh. I'm going to start an internet petition and try to rescue this thing. Someone, please contact my hair.
Nick Schlossen asks, with all the pantless shots you guys have done over the years, are you all fairly well acquainted with each other's junk? We have done a lot of pantless shots. I saw Adam Conover's balls. Really? Weird. We were shooting Poopy Without Your Phone. I almost said Poopy Without Your Pants.
You know, when you do that sometimes. How could you do that? How would you ever do that?
So he was in like a little dance belt on the toilet. And like, he was there for like. Should we explain what a dance belt is? Oh, a little dance belt's like little nude undies.
Oh, sorry. A porky pig in it today. So that they could like, you know, blur it out and everything like that. And he was sitting on the toilet probably for like, it was probably like an eight hour shoot day. And at one point I just looked down and his ball was just hanging out the side of it. And it had been like all day.
I like pointed it out. And the director was like, yeah, I noticed that.
I just didn't say. What's the point of the dance belt then? Emma Mould.
Yeah. Well, where are you? I guess that's the question. Yeah.
Are you just like in a void? No, no. You're on vacation and it's a never ending. Why are you adding that? I'll see you in the time loop.
I'll listen to all the podcasts. I'll read all the books.
You'll never die. Like if you're really afraid of death, you'll be immortal essentially. Yeah. I think. I'll be immortal.
Y'all just be playing with sticks. Wandering around. We're all like in a weird existential funk right now you just put us in.
I'm cranky as hell. It's weird to write if you're like, I feel like I run into this problem because I'll like when I'm writing, it's just like a compulsively snack and they're just here in the office. I need something to do because I'm a fucking idiot and like just like shoving things in my mouth. Yeah. I guess coffee. I couldn't do it high because my brain, I would just keep, I would get distracted too much by other things. I feel like.
Have you tried writing?
I don't think so. I haven't, but I do. I am licensed medical marijuana user. Wilfina Callas- I went to Dr. Ganja.
I do have a cup of coffee every morning so technically I'm in bed. Although coffee has a threshold. Do not even talk to this one before she's had her coffee.
Oh my god. I'm a nightmare.
Beautiful mustard green color. Oh, I have a shirt that color.
A'Shayla Abdon writes, are there any CH classic skits you would all like to revisit? Fingers crossed for Phantom of the Office. Um, good question. Classed CH? I mean, I'm really, I want to do more George Martin videos, like if you want to up-time a rise. That's like my current favorite thing to work on. I'd love to see troopers come back, but I- Oh, troopers, of course.
You have forced me to activate interrogation mode. This is my band. That's my answer. I'm stealing your answer. What can't take my answer? No, no, no. I haven't been here long enough. I said troopers too. Okay. Wow, thank you. We're all in agreement.
Call me. What? Call me!
Have you ever written something you're ashamed of? Oh my freaking god, yes. Yes. Fairly regularly, like we'll bring stuff that never gets produced, because we write like three times more stuff that like actually gets produced and like there are definitely some things in there that it's like this is a gold idea and you start writing it and you're like, what was I thinking? You bring it in to read among your closest friends and your peers whose opinion needs so much to you and you're like, I know this is garbage. Maybe underwear. Yeah. I did that yesterday. I brought two and a half pages of a script that I didn't think that was that great. And I was like, right after we read through it, I was like, so I don't like it. Jeff Rogers asked, is it true beef gurwhich was created by the Illuminati to spread mad cow disease and polio throughout the U.S. as a sign of the start of the New World Order? Yeah. That is true. You saw the clues, you, well done.
He's a lizard. He became his true lizard self. He's not even a lizard person. He's just a lizard. A small iguana.
Adrian Kelso writes, how to overcome procrastinating. Oh my God. I am a slave to to-do lists. That is like, uh, and I, and they become a procrastination in themselves. They can. Have you ever written a to-do list and had to write to-do list on there and then crossed it off just so you could feel like you did something? Yeah, but that's just it because you get, you get a fucking rush from, from going like, I got this thing done.
Oftentimes I will turn off my Wi-Fi. That's a much more practical solution. Yeah, turn off the Wi-Fi, close all those tabs.
It's crazy. Like you will like, just instinctually. Yeah, like you're like, you're like, I wrote three lines. I deserve something. Let's stop procrastinating the next question. Elvis Vasquez. What would you consider your best or your personal favorite series? If you have a single sketch you really loved, that works too.
As just like a one-off sketch, I, I really, really love second cheapest wine. Yeah, that's great. You'll have your second cheapest wine. Very good, sir. Second cheapest wine.
There's a line in there like right after, right after one of the characters like tries the wine that's being placed before. She's like, yep, yep. That's wine. Yeah. And I fucking say that all the time. Like whenever it's like, I like, when I'm in a restaurant, like trying wine and like that's the first thing that pops up on me and it's like, yep, that's wine. Yeah. Yep, it's, it's wine.
Jeff Vidkowski. What's been the most difficult and challenging writing piece for each of you so far?
Makes me feel shy. The ones that are so painful, right? You're just like, just get this away. Like I'd never want to think about this again. This is going to be a complete disaster because it was so painful to write.
Actually wind up doing, becoming more successful than the ones that you think are like, oh, this one's, this was such a breeze. This is going to like just sail into success.
Mitt Romney style from a while ago was really hard to write because usually when you write a song parody, like it's in English, so you have like rhyme scheme that you kind of use or you understand like where the syllables come because they are coming the way that, you know, the same language syllabically works. And we were taking a song that was in Korean and then making a like English parody. On the other hand, the other hand, I, uh, no, no, Dan Garbage and I wrote a Monster Mash parody like last year and that was so easy to write. Syllables don't match up. It's not even rhyme that much. Like some things happened the other day, then a bunch of other things happened and this line's a lot longer.
Should you not have an idea for a song about like a Santa getting a motor, trading a sled for a motorcycle? Like we never wrote it, but we always thought that like, doesn't that sound like a Christmas novelty song? Yeah, it does. And it's like, Santa like Santa's got a hog this Christmas, and like Mrs. Claus is on the back.
Rooney Talwar writes, how do you get a job at College Humor? More specifically, how the hell did you get a job for maximum effect, re-condescending like, I started out in a non-creative element at College Humor. I was working as a sales planner, so I was, uh, I was the asshole who was helping other assholes put ads on the site.
Um, I have you to thank for when the little ambulance drove a clock. A little bit. Um, I didn't make that happen, but I didn't stop it from happening.
Did that for a year, and then somehow managed to convince someone to move me over to the editorial side, and did that for a year, and then moved over to the video side. So I've just been crawling my way through the company. My story's not, it's pretty straightforward, I just wrote articles for them in college, and then that after college, that turned into like an internship, and then that turned into like, that was, that turned into a full-time writing job. So it's kind of just, I think I was in a little early, kind of just good timing, like I think they were, the show just got picked up, so they needed, they like, they just got bought by IC, and the show got picked up, so they were just like, hiring a ton of people. So, and I was, yeah, just kind of wrote my way into it. For me, I was friends with Dan Gerwich, um, from performing, uh, improv with him, and Sarah left to go to SNL, so they needed a new girl writer, and Dan asked me to apply.
Last question. This is it. Josh Shaver writes, bring back Nick's warehouses.
We got every kind of girl's costume for Halloween. Sexy Wicks. Sexy Devil. Sexy Cat. Give me a pair of scissors, I can make any costume. There's almost like a rule 34 quality to it, where it's like, anything, any character or profession you could think of, there's probably a sexy costume version of it.
I think I found a loophole, this weekend. I was thinking about mermaids, and I was thinking about, like, um, you know, people say, oh, how do you fuck a mermaid? And I was like, obviously you titty fuck them, yeah, and obviously you would have titty sex with them. I don't know why I thought titty sex was more polite than titty sex. So I was like, oh, I bet there's some deviant art of someone titty fucking, uh, Ariel from The Little Mermaid. And I googled it, and I didn't find it. This is gonna sound very silly.
Did you try Bing? Is Bing better with deviant art? Apparently, no, with porn, apparently Bing's porn search results are, like, way more effective than Google's. Because Google is, like, slowly, like, advertising that. It's like, don't get way more people using Bing. I know, Bing!
For when you want to touch a ding. Guys, thanks for being here. Thank all of you for your very good questions. For all your questions. Uh, that sounded so, for your, that didn't sound good enough. Hey, this has been College Humor, a comment show. Thank you for all your great questions. We'll be back next week with even more comments and even more things from all our friends. Hey! That's great. I'm not gonna top that. |
cracked | why_metal_gear_solid_v_is_for_babies_escort_mission | Hey buddy, whatcha do? Shhh. Okay, nope, you're not getting me with the the game can hear you thing again. Now for the fourth time. Not shhh. The game can hear you. Shhh. I can hear you. And I don't want to. I'm concentrating.
You're literally sitting there on a horse wearing a poncho and an eye patch. So unless the game can test your depth perception.
It's time. Shhh. It's time.
Oh, crazy. Is that one of those what do you label them? Like idle animations when Sonic taps his foot? No sir. I told the horse to do that. It can hear you. Nice. I told the horse to do that by pressing a button.
Okay? Just a button. Like every other game ever. Uh huh. Right. Sure. Okay.
So why did you shhh on the road? Because I'm setting a trap so I can capture this jeep. How? Are they like an overly prestigious military or rape my poo enthusiasts?
Because you can probably just kill them. You should just kill them really.
Oh! Yeah! It totally worked! What the f**k? Are you horses and testins lined with banana peels or oil slicks? Bam!
Maricot reference. Hang on. I gotta capture these guys.
Because I played that in college man. There were fewer or no fecal trap. I mean it's newer but it's the same basic game.
Yeah. Oh hey. Hey buddy.
What the f**k just happened? Oh I just used the Fulton balloon recovery device to send the jeep and two guys back to my secret base in the ocean. Where in the ocean? Dude! Secret. The balloon gets to know and I don't. I don't know. Somewhere in the Seychelles? Wherever that is.
I mean maybe they describe it in the vast library of audio cassette tapes they give you to catch you up on the story but I'll never know. Wow you're bailing on the story. I've never heard you say that before. Yeah well this one's complete gobbledygook. And bold will be shit. I literally spent an hour on a reddit thread just trying to figure out the backstory to this thing.
And all I know now is that JFK's assassination is pretty suspect in this universe. In most universes.
Sounds like an hour well spent. So do you even know how to play this thing? More or less. I usually just find this hostage or capture that rogue commander. It's your basic snatch and grab spy s**t.
Yeah I'm still hung up on the balloons. You and half of Afghanistan! Ya burnt!
Anyway what's the problem buddy? What are they? Why are they? When?
Also probably. Okay look you can't over think this one man you gotta have a kid's perspective to really appreciate it. It's just a simple super fun spy game. Don't over logic me and make me explain the story. Deal? I can deal with it if you can. I can't.
The balloons are basically a way of getting resources back to your base. Guns. Jeeps. These are raw material people.
Is your base a prison? It has a prison. Small one. You know for guys that got captured but don't want to get with the program. Which is?
Join my army. To accomplish. Kinda don't know. But do it. Join it. Okay so the balloons are basically a recruitment tool. Oh yeah.
Very effective too. As long as I don't send it up during a sandstorm or into a building I'm getting me an engineer for life. Otherwise they die horribly.
But why would they fight for you? Because they're scared I guess or maybe inspired or just had a really fun balloon ride. They salute a lot when I go back to base but I can't tell if it's out of respect or fear. They don't fight back when I choke them out so I think they like me.
So you're a terrorist. I am technically not a terrorist.
I'm not sure what the propaganda master Ocelot's spinning back at HQ but he does exude trustworthiness so I'm sure our troops loyalty is beyond question. Ocelot? Is that his code name? Oh no no. His name is Revolver Ocelot.
Oh that's fucking terrible. You don't know the half of it. There are awful names everywhere in the series.
There's a scientist named Dr. Strangelove. Come on stop it. The real Dr. Strangelove is rolling over in his radioactive grave. The real Dr. Strangelove is also not real but oh there's a CIA guy named Hot Coldman.
What a codename. That's amazing. Plus like half the names sound the same. You got Boss, Big Boss, different person, Paws, Kaws, Ocelot, kind of a stretch. Plus I think there's a guy named Ross in there somewhere and everybody gets like three names in their introduction. Ocelot goes by Ocelot, Adam, Adamska, and Shalashaska. I also call him the Revolvester but that's just a little in-joke. Why so many names? Because whoever wrote this game is shitting out plots like the Creative Kid in third grade. It's just a stream of consciousness insanity and everyone else is trying to feel included. My character, Snake, has maybe 30 names. Big Boss, Boss, Snake, Naked Snake, Venom Snake, John, all dick euphemisms. You pretty much have to assume that if someone is talking, they're talking to you.
Wait I thought you were Solid Snake. No Solid Snake is a clone of my character, the Big Boss. Something with Liquid Snake and Solid Snake and god damn it, you got me to explain the plot to you.
I feel like you secretly wanted to, so. Uh huh. Anyway, the cloning project also had a code name. Guess what it is? I don't know.
All the agencies go rogue and flip on each other. No one's loyal to anything, yet somehow everybody's a patriot.
It's asinine. And why do you like it? Because it's like a video game that a genius third grader made.
I mean, see that guy over there? Watch me kill him with a supply drop. Now watch what happens when I go to get the supplies.
Kids are so dumb.
You know, you can play almost the whole game from inside the cardboard box if you want to. Do that right now. This is the greatest game I've ever seen. Exactly. You want to build a fort? Obviously. Finally.
You have materials just back there? Shh. You need some kind of covering. Come back here. That's not a fort just being behind the couch.
Just do it, come on. Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming. Hey everybody, thank you so much for watching whatever that video was. We hope you enjoyed it. We here at Cracked have been nominated for two Webby Awards. Best humor website and online video channel, which you are watching right now. So if you could go to the links in the description and vote for us both times, that would be amazing. We have until April 21st. Do it now. Thank you.
USA! |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_your_dad_watches_every_night | And it looks like burrito zippers are here to stay. In other news, today in Washington, Congress votes on the controversial legislation bill that would make all American laws legal in the United States. We've gathered a panel of top political analysts to discuss the topic.
Gentlemen, what do you think of all this? I don't know. I can tell you that I've got a lot of people talking about this. Excuse me, excuse me, can I talk? Can I say something? Thank you. So, America, I forgot, I forgot. I disagree. Oh!
You agree?
But at the end of the day, America's America. Yes, the economy, especially in this climate. And you know Congress isn't gonna put, put, put. But sorry, there's a hair in my mouth. Unfortunately, that's all the time we have.
But I wanna thank each of our panelists for their unique perspective today. Thank you, Vanessa. And now let's go to our panel of panel analysts to analyze our previous panel. Panelists?
I think it went really well. I agree. Thanks, boys.
Up next, Long John Silvers. Are they making a comeback? No. |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition_Part_2 | Let me guess, a question that has absolutely nothing to do with coronavirus or the quarantine or... It's about coronavirus. It is? Yes. Really? Yes. Okay, let's hear it. Coronavirus called Budweiser virus in Mexico?
DIY haircut. Using a pair of clippers. Carefully, whoa. Shaved my head. Shaved your head.
Face mask? Wearing a face mask isn't just about protecting yourself, it is about protecting others. So I think... Prada face mask. Really? Gucci face mask.
Upgrading Wi-Fi? Might I suggest a Google router? Upgrading neighbors' Wi-Fi?
Wow. Firestarter. Yeah, this isn't the apocalypse you've been prepping for. Animal traps? Just stay home and watch TV. Bulk ammunition.
What about Bear Grylls? Do you like Bear Grylls? Can you train a plant?
I'm very sorry for your neighbors. Oil? Price is negative? It's supply and demand. See, when supply is too high, pay me to take oil. Not how it works. I have, like, a whole room I'm not using.
Sourdough starter. This is fun. Sourdough starter is a living thing. How to feed sourdough starter. Just water and flour every eight to twelve hours. What to name sourdough starter? Uh, look, when I said living thing... College fund for sourdough starter. Twins with two dads.
Growing a beard. Just let it grow. You might have some bald spots, but whoa. Shave my beard. Shave your beard. $1,200?
That's your stimulus check. That's to help with food and rent and other essentials. Gambling on MarbleLympics. Essentials. $1,200 face mask. Come on! $1,200 router. People!
Chicken coop. Let me guess. $1,200 chicken coop. Stealing a chicken coop.
Not. That. Creative.
Small business loans. Here's your application. Can I ask what your business is?
Nah, it's just a mom and pop shop. Shake Shack. Yeah, just some mom and pop shack.
7 p.m. noise is why. To celebrate health care workers.
7 p.m. start of Purge? The Purge hasn't started. When is The Purge? You want The Purge? I can't take it not being The Purge anymore. Watch The Purge on TV!
Stay home! Wall of China great who said. That's just what it's called. Wall of China rotten tomato. What is TikTok? Oh, please don't summon him. Barrel check. Should I do something? He'll wear himself out. Don't let this flop.
Second wave. For the 1918 Spanish flu, caused in part by public celebration of the end of World War I, killed 10 times as many people as the first wave. More people than died in World War I. Feminism?
Oh, sorry. One tracked mine lately. Open America! You dumb idiot. You think it's your right to risk other people's lives? What kind of person are you even? Free Joe Exotic! When is The Purge actually?
Scared. You're not alone. Lonely. We all are. Impatient. Look, I get it, but we have to be patient for a while longer.
Or we risk losing more lives. A lot more lives.
Horny. Hey, great news. I'm the internet. Do at this dance, y'all. I want to see you try it. Charli D'Amelio, I'm looking at you. Come on, guys. 900 more followers and I can go live. |
TheOnion | Concentric_Circles_Emanating_From_Glowing_Red_Dot | We just got word on some breaking news, a series of concentric circles have begun emanating from this glowing red dot in the big blue area over my left shoulder. The circles are colliding with the multiple green misshapen objects approximately two inches away from the pulsating dot. Joining us now is a concentric circle expert. Can you tell our viewers at home what we are seeing? Yes, we often see colorful round shapes like this when concentric circles spread outward, so no exception in this case. Let's take a look at this orange, yellow, tan and blue spherical object. These bands of color are definitely oranger, redder and yellower than any circles I've seen so far today. Can you tell us how long you think this might continue? When you're dealing with concentric circles, you are usually dealing with a pattern that repeats itself on and on, so they can continue indefinitely. Is there a chance that these various colored bands could trigger rows of little human being shapes like we saw back in 2004? It's not only possible, it's probable. When you are dealing with colors and shapes of this magnitude, they are often followed by at least a small row of human figures. And how about those squiggly lines appearing on the outer edges of the little green things, especially that long skinny one there? Yes, they are a result of the concentric circles.
Hold on. The green shape is expanding enormously. Do you see that? Yes, the severity is increasing. We just heard a loud wind-like sound from an indeterminate source. Joining us now live from that southernmost green misshapen object was the voice of an on-scene reporter and an image of a telephone. On-scene reporter, can you describe what you are seeing there in the green long-shaped thing?
It's chaos. People are running through the streets, rubble is everywhere, up the trees.
What color are the squiggly lines? I'm sorry, what? Do you see any concentric circles? I'm gonna need to get...
On-scene reporter? On-scene, do we have the on-scene reporter?
Well, the telephone image seems to have disappeared. Expert in a suit, is this something to be expected? Yes, a second set of concentric circles often follows the first by a short period of time. All right, we have to take a short break now, but we will continue our coverage of this story as more shapes appear. But next up, our economic expert will discuss today's big downward slant on this jagged line. We'll be right back. |
dropout | not_enough_dishes_for_friendsgiving | Katie, this all smells amazing. Thank you so much for hosting, friends. Oh, of course. Any time. You know I love cooking for friends. Aww, don't we love being here? Absolutely.
Should we open up the wine? I'll grab cups. I'm so sorry, guys. I don't imagine plates or cups or really anything. It's usually just me, so I don't really have a lot of kitchen stuff. That's totally fine. Yeah, we're all cool here. Okay, well, traps. Since you brought the wine, you get the wine glass. Grant, how about my medieval times cup? Yeah. And Jess, I won this at Dave & Buster's, and I will use this face. There's the appetizer, it's double the eggs. I'm so sorry, but I just have ashtrays to serve them in. Oh, would you stop?
This is perfect. It's great.
Green bean casserole. Brussels sprouts. Oh, carrots. Delish.
I'm sorry, but all I have is an ice tray. Ice tray? All I see is a delicious stuffing tray.
Well, thank you. Who's ready for cranberry sauce? Look at that. Doesn't that look good here? Oh, wow. That looks great. We are running low on room.
What's that? What's that in?
It's a shampoo bottle. Isn't that clever? I like that. That's great.
I'm so, so sorry, but all I have is this plunger. I really need more dishes. No. Is that enough for you? We don't need fancy dishes.
Katie, come on. You're doing so much for us, I couldn't possibly complain. Stop, sit and eat with us. Would you please? Yeah, come on. Put that plunger down and eat.
Oh, I'm sorry. I only have three chairs, so I'm sitting on a stuff stool. Well, I hope everyone saved room for dessert. That's a classic. Oh, no. I'm out of bowls. This is actually just to hold the ice cream.
What? Oh, God. What are you doing? That's awful.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here, and for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | hardly_working_cool_english_teacher_3 | Howdy-doody, skinny ninnies and bony cronies. Mr. G is back and better than Ezra.
Think fast. Okay, why? How? No reason.
I was fired for my job at the high school. Suffice it to say, if you steal PTA funds, tenure does not protect you. If I knew diamonds would not win my wife back, I wouldn't have bought them.
Alright, let's get bringerous! So today, I'm gonna teach you guys to read between the lines. It's all blank space. You'll be done in like three minutes. I'm kidding. Get loose, Papoose!
A thousand splendid suns? One's fine, thanks. Books, they allow you to escape into an entirely different world. The only downside is you have to come back. Watch like somebody's dancing.
Hurt like you've never been loved. Uh, I think you mean- I meant what I said. I said hurt like you've never been loved. Like you've never been loved.
Vocab flashcards. Bing, bang, boom. Now you flash me.
Catcher in the Rye. Now what is it really about? Not a hypothetical. I'm asking for a friend. The friend is me. I've never read it.
I'm treading water. If I finish this sentence, there will be dead silence and you'll see how woefully unprepared I am. So I'm just gonna list my favorite numbers. One, two, three, five. Ask me about four. It's kind of a funny story. On a monopoeia? More like, I'm about to pee on ya, ya toilet. The best thing about reading is you can do it anywhere. Not underwater.
Well, talk to a dolphin and get back to me. Talk to a- Talk to a dolphin.
Poetry jam. No. Away on a freeway. No leeway. I lay alone. Far from home.
But do I lay or lie? Hello goodbye. We all lie to get paid. And I die to get laid. What do ya say?
Now, cliches are as useful as a lead balloon, okay? Use one and you're dead as a doornail, alright? It's nothing to sneeze at. I need a towel. You kidaroonies ready for a truth bomb? I'm gonna nog a socket to ya.
Everyone in the world has written a book. That's patently false. Well, name one person that hasn't written a book.
My little cousin, Emily. Well, I bet she's colored a book. She died of SIDS.
Lady Marmalade. I'm sorry. Oh, by the way, that reminds me. I brought homemade marmalade. Homod Marmalade.
Shut up. What can I do? Literature? No. Litter? A chore. A bullion cubes? No. A billion pubes. Did you have a stroke or something? No. I'm sorry.
I mean, how did you know? Analogies. My hand is to your arm, as your mouth is to- That's fair. That's more than fair. Does anybody know anything about divorcing your parents? I'll tell you who knows a lot about it.
My son. Well, not my- Eliot. He's just- he's just Eliot now. |
dropout | we_played_the_duck_dynasty_ps4_game_bleep_bloop_reunion | Hey everybody, welcome to Bleak Loop. I am Jeff Rubin here with Dan Kline, John Gabers, and of course Pat Castles. We are getting back together this one time only because we had to play Duck Dynasty for the PlayStation 4. These guys are like judging us right now. Yeah, this guy's four of us versus four of us. I mean, just walking like the wrong bar, you know, right? It's a bad part of town. They just caught us holding hands. Oh, come on. I'm just trying to teach our new intern, John Luke, over there a thing or two about duck calling.
Does graphics look good? Are they good for PlayStation 4? No. I've never seen Jeff more confident about anything about it.
John Luke, let's get in the blind. Let's get in the blind with the guys, by the way. For me, I don't know who the guys are because I never watch the show and I don't know what the blind is.
Everyone else in the world feels playing Final Fantasy. Right, right.
Look, more ducks over there. Three more mallards.
Oh! I messed it up. Wait, he's not going to shoot? No, turn left, turn left. He's going to shoot the other ones. He's going to scatter. Oh!
Seven, eight. So just to be clear, the point was to press a button three times. Stan messed it up once and he still got it. John Luke, hop in the truck. Your turn to drive. Oh, don't worry. You got a map in case you don't know where you're going. It's just a straight line. Hold on, hold on. When you see ducks further in the distance, you need to use the greet call instead of the feed call. It sounds like this.
No way. Man. You're just done. I'm not saying you can't do it in my opinion. It's just overkill. Yeah, and it's like the mallard's interest level is so far down. There's no way.
Dude, I wish we had game genies so we could unlock unlimited mallard interest. That's awesome. They're just so interested. They just keep flying towards you. You don't even have to feed call them. Are we going to take that again? You were blocking me when I was doing the duck call.
As a 33-year-old married man who still plays a lot of video games, I've sort of mastered playing with a woman walking back and forth from the monitor who at that time has to clean up the fucking living room. She has to because I've been playing video games all day, not taking care of the house.
You found a sign. A sign. Look, there's a sign.
How deep are you into the game? Have you gotten to the sign yet? Bro, I'm on my fourth sign. I pretty much got a lay of the land. I got four signs. I got four signs, truck horns, and I got an affirmative action argument at the grocery store. Hey, it's me, Pat from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe and here to watch another video. And remember, our YouTube channel technically contains no animal parts, so it's vegan. Think about it. Not too hard, though. |
dropout | how_being_in_public_feels_men_vs_women | Oh, no. This creepy guy keeps messaging me. Ugh, what is he saying? He said, I'm going to kill myself if you don't respond, and then he just wrote marry me like a thousand times. Gross. I'd never know what to say with guys like that. No.
You should just friend him. You know, I do that with the women who reach out to me online, and we usually just have a nice chat. Hey, maybe even a date or two?
Ho, ho, ho. You dog. Yeah, I guess I don't want to interact with him further, and I definitely wouldn't want to meet him in person. What?
It's great meeting new people. You should try it. You know, I love going to bars by myself just to meet new people. That's fun. I would never go to a bar alone. Oh my gosh, it's so much safer in a group, especially if you're drinking.
Absolutely. And I don't want to get roofied. I have three friends who have been, and it's terrifying. Yes, I get that. One time I roofied myself just to see what the high would be like. Honestly, not a fan. Really? Yeah. I don't know why anyone would choose to do that.
I just like having cool experiences. We like to have cool experiences, too.
We're just going to avoid bars unless we're with people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bars are overrated. Now, you know what I love? Taking long walks alone at night.
Oh, no. The later, the better. I get my best thinking done then. I would be clutching my phone the entire time. No, no. Now, you leave your phone at home. That way, you don't look at Facebook or Instagram. You'd be in the moment now. If my phone doesn't have at least 90% battery life, I'm not leaving my house.
I need to always be ready to call 911. Same. Always.
You should get an extra battery pack. I have one because I spend all day scrolling on Instagram. Just put it in my front pocket, and I can scroll all day long.
We don't have big enough pockets. Oh, just carry it or something. I don't know. But we're already carrying keys in one hand as a weapon and a mace in the other. You use the mace so you have time to call 911.
Oh, you could take the bus if you don't want to walk around. There's always tons of people on that. But the bus can be especially creepy. Yeah. I've had some terrible things happen to me on it.
Never sat in gum. I sat in gum.
Oh, man. It's gross. So gross.
But I've never been a bus guy anyway. I like to take an Uber and get there faster. I took an Uber from my parking spot to my apartment last night because I was too afraid to walk. And the Uber driver yelled at me for wasting his time.
I actually had a pretty bad night myself last night. The cops saw me peeing outside and tried to give me a ticket. Why were you peeing outside? Because I was at a movie and the line was too long, okay?
The urine is a natural thing. Why does society force you to be ashamed of something that's a part of life? Amen. Here it is. Press meeting in public. Meet our orgasms. So you're saying I shouldn't pee outside?
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheOnion | New_Wearable_Computer_Also_Sucks_Your_Dick | It's being called the must-have tech gadget of the year. The Samsung Apex, which hits shelves today, streams video into your left eye, internet into your right eye, and sucks your dick all at the same time. Buzz has been building for the Apex. At a recent press event, Samsung promoted the device as the future of technology today. In today's world, there's no reason to ever not be fully stimulated. With Apex, you can constantly be watching movies, checking Facebook, and having your penis sucked by a robotic mouth every second of the day. Samsung spokesman Neil Werner is projecting the biggest sales in his company's history.
Are you kidding me? This thing does everything, plus it sucks your dick, alright? And I know what you're thinking, and yes, ladies, there is a version for you to eat you out. Hanging up Apple, we beat you to punch on this one, Samsung's got you by the balls. Werner is likewise unconcerned about consumer safety reports that having screens playing two different images less than an inch from one's eyes can cause motion sickness and even seizures. Whenever something new comes out, people don't know what the hell to do with it. You know, some people are saying, but I don't need my dick mechanically sucked. But mark my words, you will get your dick sucked.
In spite of the almost thousand dollar price tag, customers are raving about the device. For my career, I do need the internet and TV and my dick sucked all the time. I already have a TV and a girlfriend and a laptop, but to have all those in one device would be really nice.
Fans who want to run a bad press about unsafe working conditions in the Apex factory in India have not dampened sales projections. Yeah, yeah, yeah, factory, factory, sweatshop, sweatshop, blah, blah.
How about you just plug your eyeballs straight into the internet and get your cock sucked? According to Tech Insiders, there are already rumors about a second generation Apex with a 10 megapixel video camera and a little finger that tickles your asshole. And on tomorrow's Tech Trends, venture capitalists are lining up to give money to a random college dropout, hoping he'll make the next Facebook. |
dropout | BTK_Killer_Gives_a_Foreboding_Weather_Forecast_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm PeePee Cocktail and with me as always is the Hulk Jr. Hello! Me Hulk Jr. Me have brain of Hulk but body of normal man. Truly worst of both worlds. Back to PeePee Cocktail. PeePee Cocktail friend? Yes Hulk Jr. PeePee Cocktail friend.
There's been a robbery of our hearts by Hogbert, the pig that looks like Dogbert from Dilbert. Unfortunately there was also a robbery of Hogbert's soul by God, which is to say he's dead. Hulk Jr. what on your Hogbert memory? Of course. Dear Hogbert, me so sorry you are dead. You should have lived big long life like Hulk. You are no longer living. We weep and we cry for him. Yes. Donations can be made in Hogbert's name to ISIS.
Now it's time to check in on the weather. Here with the report is our weatherman Dennis Rader, the BTK killer. My name is Dennis Rader, the BTK killer and I'm here with your 10 day forecast.
So, what, so. Are you, are you mad? No, I'm still going to be Hulk. So, what we got Dennis?
Hulk Jr. need umbrella this weekend. You might Hulk Jr. BTK stands for bind, torture, kill. And if you're looking at this here, we've got a couple of thunderstorms coming in from the west this weekend.
Well, that's bad news for our employee softball game. Bad news for you at least. Now I don't have to try to hit those sneaky curve balls of yours.
Look up all my real murders on the internet if you want to ruin your entire day. BTK killer, real person who lives in this twisted world, are we going to get a break from this humidity? I'm probably going to stay stinky through the weekend, dang it. Every night when you close your eyes, picture me and think of the heartless crimes that I have committed. You could call them cruel, but the existence of cruelty implies the existence of its opposite, which is goodness, and deep down in the parts of yourself you don't want to face, you know that goodness is a fantasy, a blanket to wrap yourself in for imagined comfort against the bleak nothingness of the world. You'll be running your AC through the weekend.
Thanks, Dennis. You know, me think Dennis really good guy, even after what he done. I, and any actor playing me, agree.
Hold on, I'm hearing just now that we've got some breaking news coming in of a possible nuclear attack from North Korea? Here with more is our field correspondent, a mime. Mime, are we in danger? Ugh, where is missile targeting?
Bagel. I hear it's the water. What? Hulk Junior eat bagel all the time? There's no water in bagel.
Anyway, sounds like New York is blowing up soon. Now, mime, I've always wondered, why is it that you can't talk? You play your poker! Okay, you've got four of a kind. And you wager your voice on a cartoon mermaid. But they had the royal flush, so you lost your voice in a hand of poker? Wow! Tough break. Me also have strange voice.
You what, be friends? I'm sorry, there's no time for this. We have to announce that this week's loser is Ali. What? Yeah, thanks for- How do I keep losing? Thanks for watching. You got anything to say? Hahahaha! |
TheOnion | Adults_Go_Wild_Over_Latest_In_Childrens_Picture_Book_Series | Anticipated books of the year is finally hitting the shelves now. Of course, I'm talking about Green Man Blue Cat, the sixth installment in the wildly popular Barkley Mitchell Green Man series. Now, of course, the books were originally written for children ages two to five. That's right. But they're not just for kids. Oh, no, they're not. Each one of the Green Man books from Green Man Waves Hello to Green Man Big Hill and Green Man White Snow, A Holiday Story have sold over 25 million copies, making it the most popular fiction series ever for any age group. Right. And drawing comparisons to other cross-generational hits like Harry Potter and the Twilight series. And here to talk about the new book is John Basil, CEO of Sunflower Books, responsible for the publishing of the Green Man series.
Hi, John. Big day for you, right, John? Thank you. Yes, we are very excited.
Now, John, why do you think these books have struck a chord with not only kids, but adults as well? I think a lot of people feel that books fill a void left in contemporary adult literature, which tends to favor stodgy tones with hundreds of pages and almost no pictures. I got to tell you, John, I was at my yoga class yesterday and everyone was talking about this book.
What will happen to Pink Pig? Will Green Man find his way to the square box? We're both very excited, as you can see, and I don't think there's any secret to our viewers that we're both big Green Man fans. As a matter of fact, I'm right in the middle right now of Green Man Jumps.
Oh, that is a good one. It is.
Green Man Jumps far. Green Man Jumps high!
Yeah, I just finished that part. It was so much fun. Oh, and also I want to tell you, John, The New York Times Book Review got an advanced copy of the book and gave it a glowing review this morning. I'll read you a part of it.
It says, Mr. Mitchell makes Green Man both a human figure coping with the banal frustrations of the colored objects he stands next to and an epic hero. In the latest installment, the Green Man is frequently overwhelmed with disillusionment and doubt. Oh, so it sounds like this book gets a little darker. Yes, in this one he actually gets lost.
No. And there is an event related to saying thank you that will keep a lot of readers on the edge of their seats. Sounds exciting. Oh, I can't wait. Oh, yeah. John Basil, thanks so much for spending part of your morning with us here on Today Now. And you stick around because after the break we're going to have a sneak preview of the new Green Man movie starring Johnny Depp as the Green Man and Tilda Swinton as the Tall Tree. Don't go away. |
dropout | camp_bunk_talk | Hey! Are you guys asleep?
Uh, no? Nope.
Hey guys, do you guys think you'll want to send your kids to camp, you know, like when you're like, older, like, dads and stuff? No kids for me. I'm just gonna chill and roll with my hot wife. Yeah right, Timmy. You wish. Yeah, you'd be lucky to marry a big wooden log, you dumb dummy. But yeah, I think I'd send my kids to camp, Wanakaka.
I've had some of the best times of my life here. We're the worst, right guys?
Yeah, but like, I honestly feel like having a family is like, kind of irresponsible. Like, what's the average family pull in? Like, 81 grand a year? Like, that's hardly enough for like, groceries for like, three kids or like...
Geez, Hector. We were just talking. Don't have a spaz. God, I wish you could just like, teleport into Manana's bunk right now. Whoa. That's a crush. Whatever, dude. You wish you could too.
Yeah, if I can teleport, I just go all over the world. I can jump her. Yeah. I just rob people and stuff like, a bank, Egypt, my dad's house.
The technology doesn't exist. And like, even if it did, like, the government would find a way to like, sanction it or like, come on, you guys know that. Like, you guys are smarter than that.
It's just a movie. Hector! Hector, we're just talking. Hayden Christensen.
Hey guys, it'd be so cool if we could live on the moon. Well, it would be cool, like, it would take like, like several years to like, fuel the medical ramifications of that.
Hector! Jesus Christ, man! And not too much of financial. Shut the funk!
What if humans could fly? That would be a lot of red tape with the FAA.
Hector! Jesus C. Hector.
We're just trying to have a nice conversation! In our bunk beds!
Jesus fucking C. Oh shit, I mean, they can cry. Hector, sometimes it just feels good to just talk stuff out. And it doesn't need to make sense. You should try it sometime. Okay. Try it, buddy.
Um, so I know I can be like, over analytical. Like, there's a piece of me that's like, yeah, like, I'm nine years old, like, burn the wig at both ends, you know? But there's this other piece of me that's like, I wish I had a chill helmet, you know? Like, I wish I just had a helmet that I could put on and like, make me chill out.
That'd be funny. I mean, I do have it, like, I have it right here. Like, I just have to like... What is that? Get to the processor and like, calibrate it. Okay. Yeah, like, there it goes.
Chaleo!
What? What is wrong?
Chaleo! |
dropout | no_i_eat_more_garbage | God, I've been eating like such trash lately. Oh same. Last night I'm such a mess. I ate two bags of chips for dinner. Oh yeah, last night I got so sad I snarfed an entire bag of Hawaiian rolls. That's really like an appetizer for me, cause I just so really truly eat like trash.
No?
I eat like trash. You know, I'm so nasty, I had chicken nuggets for breakfast. Just the breading. You know, I'm so freaking gross that I put pasta sauce on cheese slices and I call it pizza. Oops, just a normal trash breakfast for me. I'm a hot mess. Oops, sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my trash breakfast. It's so gross, I gotta document it.
What?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
I'm over here not taking care of myself. I'm a monster. Oh yeah, I'm a real garbage person. I'm so bad at adulting. I'm negatively affecting my future self with my present day choices. My body is bad because of me.
I eat like trash because I know I look good and I can get away with it. I eat like trash and brag about it so I see more down to earth. I eat like trash. No, I eat like trash. Excuse me, but I eat like trash.
Trashy. You old bitch.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for other fun stuff, and thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_George_Clooney_Won_t_Leave_Trailer | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Stephanie Meade. And I'm Daddy. Tonight we'll be investigating a slew of home break-ins on Maple Lane and why I smell like piss today. It's because I pissed on your suit.
In other news, local 8-year-old Jessica NoDad won the local Miss Bumble Bee Girl Boss Pageant. She now moves on to the state competition where she will be competing against 12 other little idiots.
Now, Stephanie, I don't know if you can call them that. Sorry, 12 other idiots. Thank you.
In local sports news, the Cabin John High School football team beat their rivals the Damascus 2-0. You might be thinking that 2-0 sounds like an unusual score for football, but remember, football is stupid. A touchdown is worth six points because...
I have to interrupt you there, Daddy. We've got breaking traffic news coming in. For that, we turn to our traffic reporter, Wet Daniel. Wet?
A terrible scene here downtown. A truck full of maple syrup crashed into a vet clinic on Sunset and Diane Lane. Drivers are being told to avoid the area unless they want to see a bunch of sticky lizards and icky gizzards, thickly drizzards, and straight-up dead dogs. We have reason to believe the truck driver was distracted at the time of the incident, yelping for the wettest soups in the area.
We recommend taking the long way around. Take I-95 North and just keep going. Just drive and drive. Find a new town. Settle down there. Don't come back until your kids are grown. Or if that's too long, you coward, you can always take my shortcut Tokyo drifting on the side wall.
Back to you, Daddy. Thanks, Wet. Sounds dangerous, but I gotta say, Wet's always early and blood can be cleaned off your fender. Great stuff.
Well, it's summer, and that means beating the heat in movie theater air conditioning. Movie theaters. A winning combination of uncomfortable seats, expensive snacks, and freezing cold temperatures.
Our film critic, Buzz Aldrin, sat down with a local filmmaker to hear about the production scene around town. Thanks, guys. I'm film critic, Buzz Aldrin. I was the second person to walk on the moon, but let's not get bogged down in that. I'm here with Mary Ellen Blankets, who just made her first movie right here in town. Thank you for having me.
Your movie is called, Avatar, and it uses the music of ABBA to tell a story about a distant planet filled with unobtainium mines. Yep. Tell us about the plot. Well, it's easy. First of all, there's only ... Anybody who knows ABBA, you know about it, so I don't need to explain it, but basically, there are a couple different ... Okay, so we ... You like- Something here. Yeah, so you know all your favorites will be there. It's gonna be great. When you say all your favorites, do you mean members from ABBA or songs by ABBA? Both. Most of the cast is and was members of ABBA. We got a great location to shoot, and we shot it- That's mostly what the movie viewer, Budience, is looking for, yeah, yeah. And we shot it all there.
Great. Well, great. That's fabulous.
Now, George Clooney is in this movie. Tell us about all the pranks he pulled on set. Oh my gosh. We did this one prank where he wouldn't come out of his trailer. It was so funny. We all kept laughing. I wasn't there for that, but I heard about it. I heard that it was really funny, and they were all doing fun stuff like that. Another fun prank- Sorry, when you said they were all doing fun stuff like that, but you weren't there, that implies that other people were having fun and pulling pranks, but you were not there?
That's ... Yep.
So, as I said, I'm astronaut Buzz Aldrin, and on a personal note, I'd like to know how Earth's Moon plays into this film. Well, Earth's Moon is actually ... It's around, but it's not affecting the plot in a way that's real or hard. It's like the Earth's Moon is there. The Earth's Moon is there, and you can see it. When you watch it at the beginning, you can see the Earth's Moon is there, but it's not affecting the plot in a hard way. In a way, it's almost like the Moon is right now, where it just exists in the world, but it doesn't have a whole lot of effect on our day-to-day lives. Yeah, but it has a character name, the Earth's Moon's character. It has a name in my movie, whereas we just call it Moon, because it's a moon.
In my movie, we call it David. Very good. Well, if you gave the Moon lines, what would they be? Hey, I'm here too. So, to be clear, the Moon as a character in the movie- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. I have a question about the traffic going to and from set. By all means.
Was it bad? Damn it, Wet, you interrupt Marielle in Blankets with, was it bad? What's wrong with you?
I want to do more than traffic. Traffic is boring.
One of these days, Wet. Pow! Straight to the Moon. Or David.
I actually have an interesting story about traffic. Oh, well, if it's interesting, then by all means. Um, basically, I was in my car, and I was driving, and there were cars in front of me and behind me, and people were going everywhere. Like, do you ever, cause sometimes, I just think it's so interesting how like, I look at traffic and I'm like, people are going everywhere. Yeah. People are always going everywhere. That is interesting. So. That was interesting.
That's it for us, but before we go, we'd like to acknowledge this week's loser, Jess. Stephanie Meade.
Thanks for watching. Aww. I want to hear more about that traffic story. Well, everybody goes everywhere, if you think about it. I want to hear more lines from the Moon. Like what you just saw? Of course you do. You're an informed citizen. Well, guess what?
Ten more episodes of Breaking News will be available for you exclusively on Dropout. Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial today. |
dropout | this_torture_method_actually_sounds_quite_lovely | Huh, did that do it? I don't think so.
But we might have time to learn about one of the most horrific punishments ever devised. The ancient Persians would sometimes kill people using these.
Oh, cute. Would you still think so if I told you this type of execution was called... The Boat! Yeah, I like boats. Well, it's not.
The victim was placed in a boat and then... said milk and honey! Yum! This sounds great. Then their body is smeared with more milk and honey.
Oh! I've got a lot of tension up here in your right shoulder. That's the spot. Uh, Ms. Foxtrot, are you okay? This feels very unlike you. And then a second boat is nailed on top of the first... There it is. Uh, okay. This is a little, uh...
Then the victim is forced fed more milk and honey. Too much milk! Which attracts insects, flies, wasps, and bees.
Okay, no, I'm not liking this. So many that the swarm would completely cover the victim's face. No! Oh, my God. It's not over yet.
All that milk would give the victim diarrhea. He would be left on the lake covered in bugs, stewing in his own feces until the next day. Jesus. When they would feed him again.
Uh, no, thank you. I couldn't possibly.
I had a big lunch. The boat gradually fills with his own shit.
Oh, yeah. Where worms and burrowing insects breed. No! After several days, the victim usually died of septic shock rotting in his own shit and being devoured by insects. That is the most horrific thing I've ever heard. Ah, but still. Ah, the milk and honey you could eat. If you like that episode of What the Fuck 101, I have good news.
There's way more of it over on Dropout. Dropout is the new premium, ad-free, and uncensored comedy platform from College Huber. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial.
Oh, shit. A chicken called is a witness in a chicken theft trial. What? In Virginia. What? In 1877. Fuck! |
cracked | the_rise_of_the_crowdwork_comedian_has_mixed_reviews_ | So, I feel pressured to do a TikTok crowdwork video, but I don't want to- Recently, there has been a stark rise in crowdwork comedians, but a lot of other comics, like Mark Maron, clearly aren't into it. Pete Holmes and Sam Jay were also just talking about this. Of course, crowdwork has its merits. You know, comics do crowdwork clips because they don't want to burn jokes, material that they want to save for the special.
It can also be really nice to make the audience feel involved like they're part of the show.
But with some comics, and I'm not going to name names, it does make you wonder, can you write a joke? Can you write a set-up punchline joke? Or are you just capable of doing quips back and forth with the audience?
And like Pete and Sam Jay noted on the podcast, it's making audiences rowdier. It's making them think that they should respond to everything, whether or not the question is rhetorical or even if they're asking a question.
And it can be really disruptive. It can ruin the flow of a joke. It can ruin a taping.
The thing is that hecklers existed long before the rise of the crowdwork comedian, and this certainly hasn't helped.
Clearly aren't into it.
Pete Holmes and Sam Jay were also just talking about this.
Of course, crowdwork has its merits. You know, comics do crowdwork clips because they don't want to burn jokes, material that they want to save for the special.
It can also be really nice to make the audience feel involved like they're part of the show.
But with some comics, and I'm not going to name names, it does make you wonder, can you write a joke? Can you write a set-up punchline joke? Or are you just capable of doing quips back and forth with the audience?
And like Pete and Sam Jay noted on the podcast, it's making audiences rowdier. It's making them think that they should respond to everything, whether or not the question is rhetorical or even if they're asking a question.
And it can be really disruptive. It can ruin the flow of a joke. It can ruin a taping.
The thing is that hecklers existed long before the rise of the crowdwork comedian, and this certainly hasn't helped. |
dropout | nicolas_cage_s_agent | All right, listen to me. You're Nicolas Cage. No one can ever take that away from you.
All right, for example, this just came in today. I've got it right here. You'd be playing a prisoner who asks if he can leave, and the warden says yes. And then I leave? Yeah, that's it.
Not a very interesting story. So this is the kind of picture you shouldn't be doing.
I'm in. What'd you say? I said I'm in.
I'm going to let that one slide, Nick, but your reputation is at stake. You have to be a little bit more discerning. I like being in movies, Gary. I know that you do, but you have to say no to some of them, like this new one where the hero is a Nazi who can only speak in adverbs. Let's do it. Wait, no, Nick, come on. Now, I want you to think hard about this, okay?
You'd be playing Superman. I love it. Let me finish Superman's Cat. You'd be playing Superman's Cat. I love it, Gary.
And everyone on this bus is vomiting, except for your character who has diarrhea.
Count me in. A raunchy teen sex comedy shot entirely from the waist down. Absolutely. This one is literally a documentary about Dandruff directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Oh, perfect. An astronaut gets lost in space, and his body implodes, except for his ass, which maintains consciousness and must find its way back to the ship. Brilliant.
Oscar Schindler is not an action hero. He is now. People do not want to see an all-white remake of the color purple. Sucks for them.
In a world where one man's dick hole is a black hole, we- Yup. Jack O'Lantern comes to life, makes itself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and becomes inanimate again. Hell yeah! The lawyer wakes up with his ass where his dick used to be. Cheechman knows the voice of your ass from the writer of Space Ass. No! Great, Nick.
We'll pass on this. We'll get you something better with- Sorry, my dog was eating my shoelace. Whatever you just said, I'm in.
It's the same action movie they just changed the title to. To Kill a Mockingbird retold so that the black guy really did rape that woman.
Why are you doing this? What is wrong with you? You're a mad man!
All right. Listen. This one is a career render. You play a guy who can communicate with dolphins and uses this power to hunt them. Yes. It's a silent movie. Yes. There's a scene in it where you have real, actual sex with a puppy. Yes, yes, yes. And it's not gonna be shot on film. It's gonna be shot on fruit by the foot. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Nicholas! I'm making this one up! I'm making it up!
You can't say yes to it because it doesn't fucking exist! Well, let's get Bruckheimer on the horn then.
No! Nick! I quit! You're a tasteless asshole! What? A tasteless! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_anthony_crispino_saturday_night_live | Well, there was a lot of big news this summer, But here again with the second-hand news is our second-hand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino. hey, how you doing, Seth? hey, it's good to be back, huh? hey, did you lose weight? Oh, yeah, maybe a little. Oh, I'm just messing with you. come on, Seth. Oh. okay.
So anyway, uh, you hear about, uh, this friggin' mess at Ground Zero? yeah, I mean, that's been in the news a lot. yeah, yeah. you know, because apparently, these, you know, these, uh, muslinic guys, you know, they want to show that Jim Carrey movie to Mask at Ground Zero. it's a friggin'' disgrace. No, no. no, I think you're thinking about the Mask. Nah, I'm pretty sure it was the Mask, Seth, you know? that's why this preacher down in Florida, you know, he's gonna burn all these Koreans. No. yeah? yeah? no, I guess Koreans really love Jim Carrey. I don't know.
Okay, I'm sorry, who told you that? who told me that? my hot dog guy, Fazook. Okay. well, Fazook is misinformed.
Okay. yeah, all right. So, uh, who are you looking for? look, there's people, Seth. All right.
So, uh, you hear about this thing with Lebron James? apparently, next year, he's gonna be on Miami Vice. No. true story. No, he's not. true story. You know, everyone thought, you know, that he was gonna be on the Cleveland Show. But, you know, he wasn't, uh, cartoony enough, you know? So he's gonna be on Miami Vice with friggin'' Dwayne Wayne from a different world. it's true, true story. where did you hear that?
Where did I hear that friggin'' Louis? Okay. he's always near that thing. the thing? he's always near that thing. Okay, well, Louis doesn't sound very reliant.
Okay. all right. so, uh, there's nobody under there. There's nobody under there?
No, no, no, no. So, uh, you hear about this? this Obama? yeah? he's gonna repeal the Bush haircuts. Yeah? apparently rich people, they can't get haircuts no more. No, it's not haircuts, it's tax cuts. No, it was definitely haircut set because this Obama, turns out he's a socialite.
Yeah? yeah? he can't run the country because he's always going like fancy parties all the time. where did you hear these things? a little birdie told me, Seth, okay? a little birdie named skank who sells me bootleg Dvds. Okay, all right. any other news this summer? let's see. Oh, you know who used the N Word? who? Debbie Gibson. No. yeah? you know what else? hey, you know what they found in Paris Hilton's purse? what? bedbugs? No. yeah? Oh, and Tiger Woods. he finally got divorced from Ellen Degeneres. that was never gonna work. that was never gonna work because she's, you know, she's Lebanese. Anthony Crispino, everybody. keep losing that weight, Seth, All right? All right. except for the one you're gonna be here for.
Yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. Yeah. yeah. |
TheOnion | DEA_Official_Announces_Successful_Drug_Bust_On_Son_s_Room | I am proud today to announce the success of a DEA drug operation which has resulted in the seizure of over one-eighth of an ounce of marijuana and three pieces of drug paraphernalia. DEA agents seized the drugs from the bedroom of one Matt Lovejoy, a 16-year-old resident of Arlington, Virginia, at 11.44 a.m. this morning in a joint operation with state and local law enforcement and Matt's mom. The drugs confiscated in today's operation, which have an estimated street value of over $45, are now safely up the streets and out of Matt's hands. The suspect first appeared on the DEA's radar last week after staying over at his friend Leon's house all night without once calling home to say where he was. Based on that evidence, this morning a team of 12 DEA agents broke down the door to Matt's bedroom with a battering ram and stormed the premises. The search of the scene by three K-9 units resulted in the successful discovery of the drugs, which were concealed in a wooden container that the suspect's mother bought for him at Carlsbad Caverns last summer. In addition, agents found a number of other contraband items, including nunchucks, his mother's Victoria's Secret catalog, and a ticket stub to a concert that Matt had been expressly forbidden to attend. We also recovered 13 pills from the site that we initially believed to be tablets of ecstasy, but which turned out to be little candies.
We apologized for overreacting about that. That was our fault. We didn't mean to mess up Matt's poster. When the lead officer confronted Matt, he was uncooperative, denying any drug use. The officer told him not to dig himself into a deeper hole. The suspect then cursed the agent, calling him a liar asshole and nowhere near as cool as Ben's dad. We have since offered Matt a plea bargain if he will give up his supplier, which the DEA suspects to be his cousin Franklin. If Matt is waiting to hear on a three-year sentence in a juvenile detention center, which hopefully would teach him a lesson, although I don't know, it seems pretty much impossible to get through to him these days, I will now open the floor to any questions there may be. |
dropout | behind_the_children_s_music | Hey guys, we teamed up with adaptive studios to make a really weird mockumentary about six musicians trying to make it big It's called downbeat. Here's an episode. We hope you like it This next song is based on the concept of the hedonic treadmill This is the notion that we're bored by the things that make us happy and we're bound to an existence of eternal yearning This is wiggle parade People say I make kid songs. I don't wiggle your hands Make it a day I make songs for adults that kids happen to respond to on a very surface level Classical illusions and Ruminations on morality and existence Interplay between music and lyrics That's all there for us adults Do you think that they get that? Just wiggle your if people listen in the way Hey really listen, I Can't imagine that they won't Eventually understand What do you think the key message is? Well, I think it's that you should resist You know, you gotta wiggle You've got to get away from like what's going on. You got to tell people that you're Not standing for it. You're not standing still for it My latest album is my most ambitious and adult work yet I think it is possible to write great Insightful brave music that on the surface is about Walruses or sunshine an octopus garden Did you just compare yourself to the Beatles No, but I think you just did all that wiggling work up an appetite, huh I'm sorry.
Oh nothing. We're just just so happy you were available.
No, it's like the music you sing It's like you're speaking a language that only they can understand. It's magical Most kids music is so grating.
Oh, I know. I totally agree.
All kids music is really grating That's why I don't make kids music Well, you yeah Quacking it farm. That's a that's a kids song right like the whole all that's kind of what you do The ducks of Quackington farm all gathered one day And if you saw one turn to the other then this is what you hear them say Did you even listen to Quackington farm? And the first one turn to the second one and say That's it's 90% quacks maybe that's like that's a that's not for kids that yeah, that's oh Okay You could have backed me up there What does it matter?
I let her call it whatever she wants. No, that's crazy. It's none of your business You have to control everything. We not do this Do you're making anything? I wanted you to say something What you want me to say, but I'm gonna say what I want to say not can we not she's got short little hair cuts In her dress. She wants to say whatever it is. Let her do it. She's living a fun life Did you know that? All the plastic that there's ever been is still plastic Yeah, it doesn't it doesn't it's fucked up down.
Yeah, and do you do anything to make make yourself more active to Fight that how do you mean you know rather than just telling people about the problem? What's more important than telling people about the problem?
Quackington farm is not just a modern twist on George Orwell's animal farm It's actually a pretty evolved allegory for the cruelty of late-stage capitalism in America Kind of advanced for kids, right? Sure. Yeah, but I don't make music for kids. Excuse me Can I get your autograph? Yes, of course My daughter loves you and I write Kayla In case you want to do more than birthday parties Wow, oh my god Thank you. This is amazing. You're great. Sorry you you were talking about the duck song, right? There's not like a second Quackington farm song that I don't know about It is nice, you know to be Respected for the artist that I am not just some glorified babysitter I'm not wrong here, right? That's a kid's song. I'm not artsy. I don't know you can have an opinion on this Even if you're not I don't want to okay Like I never fucking sign with that way You wiggle with me in the Everybody's dancing in the Stand still for a second and you'll be just wiggle your in the wiggle parade |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_first_secret_they_tell_the_president_ | You have one more meeting. Uh, okay. What's this one about? I'll be right outside. Oh, sorry. Oh, no. No worries.
I'm just sorry I scared you so bad. I wasn't scared. You were scared.
Really? My below average stature doesn't frighten you? Uh, yeah, no. They, uh, showed me the alien chamber. Oh, the one by the hell portal? Yeah. So, nothing's really going to faze me after that.
Well, Mr. President, I am the Presidential Hatsmith. And this is the Presidential Hat. Since the birth of this nation, it has been the traditional honor and grand privilege of every president upon election to decide whether or not he will wear this hat for the rest of... I'm not going to wear the hat.
Oh, really? That was so fast. You didn't even let me finish. Do you want to wear it for the rest of my term? Yeah! No. Aw, what? I'm not wearing the hat. It's ridiculous. Uh, how? I made it literally perfect. Are you kidding?
There's a harmonica on the brim. There sure is! Has any president ever decided to wear the hat?
Ha! I mean... Okay.
Abraham Lincoln wore it. He famously wore a different hat. Under the other hat? Why do you think it was so tall? I have more important things to take care of. JFK didn't wear the hat.
Look what happened to him. Is that a threat? Oh, no! It's got armor plating. It would have saved his life.
Huh. Really? And that's not all.
It's got a moisture-wicking lining, three interior pockets, four exterior, and it's even got a historical stain from the Clinton administration. Relax. It's a soup stain. Oh. He spilled it on the hat when he got the slop top. I'm leaving.
Wait, wait, wait! You haven't even seen the best part! Mr. President? Hello? Wait! Would you at least try it on? Never. Aw, come on! Mr. President, I'm going to need you to come with me. There is an active shooter on the premises. Wait. What? Oh, my God!
Here, put this on. I couldn't find you a helmet, so you're just going to have to keep your head down. Are you serious? Just remain calm. Wait, what should I do? Just stay under that bulletproof hat, little man.
Got it! Okay, remember, we need to be very care- I'll be right back. Wait! Hey!
I'm so sorry. You son of a bitch! You said you didn't want my hat!
How does it have this many buckles?
I need that to stay alive! Me too, buddy. You can't do that! Oh, yeah?
I'm the president. I can do whatever I want. And right now, I'm going to wear this hat.
Wait. Oh. Aw, nuts! So close! Oh, my God.
Did he do it? No. Sorry, Jeremy, I really tried. No, no, no, you did great!
How much did we say? It was 30? Oh, we said 20. You know what? Here. Take 30. Oh, thank you. You didn't have to- This is a $30 bill.
Thanks for watching, guys. Please be sure to like and subscribe. And if you're interested, check out our Patreon for bloopers and behind-the-scenes content. Here, put this on.
I couldn't find you a helmet, so you're gonna need to keep your head down. He spilt it on the hat when he was getting sloppy top! |
cracked | 3_ways_to_save_james_bond_from_total_irrelevancy | Do you remember the most iconic moment of the entire James Bond franchise? That time he almost got his penis mutilated? Well, that moment's a great metaphor for our current era. In this metaphor, James Bond is James Bond, and the laser is what Spectre is doing to his franchise. We must save James Bond's penis by making future James Bond movies as one-offs. Any villain, any time period, any adventure.
And here's the numbered reasons why. I got it, okay, we're good, we're good, this great. Spectre is the exact opposite of that wacky party and ghost emoji. It's zero fun, because it's trying way too hard to make sense.
In the past, the Bond franchise mentioned Lazenby's dead wife once in a while, otherwise it gave zero tosses about continuity. That was smart, but then Spectre avengers the Craig movies. They made Hans Landa into Nublofeld and made Nublofeld, the author of all your pain. That choice took every Daniel Craig Bond movie and made them setups for future Craig movies, even though Spectre ends with Daniel Craig literally driving off into the sunset. That left the James Bond team scrambling to find a new actor to play the actor Daniel Craig. For all of James Bond Infinity War, parts one through infinity? And sure, I understand Spectre's decision to copy the biggest new action franchise, copying the current big new action franchise worked before. Skyfall crushed the box office by stealing the dad's mansion's sadness of Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, Casino Royale revitalized Bond by stealing the shaky cam fistfight intimacy of Jason Bourne movies. Moonraker exists because Star Wars happened, but copying Marvel's approach is more than a style decision. Man, it's a story decision and it's fixing what ain't broke. According to FiveThirtyEight, every official James Bond movie, except Die Another Day, has a better than average IMDb rating. Half a century of audiences like them, so all you need for a good Bond movie is the Bond formula, minus Madonna, plus zero context.
Meanwhile, Marvel movies are drowning in context. They're a bunch of prequels for prequels and they star half a dozen Avenger actors who will retire from the gig any day now unless Marvel gives them a raise on their collective per movie salary of $81 million. And good luck with that, Kevin Fe-fugin? Because grinding through Marvel productions makes actors hate acting itself. James Bond movies can skip all that with one-offs.
It's not far from what they did before. They'd be insane not to. And they can even avoid breaking their star's spirit because... Okay, it's hard to get out, but come on.
Bond's producers haven't cast a new Bond James Bond yet. Whoever it turns out to be, I wish them well and hurrah and pip pip cheerio and, you know, British stuff. Because an ongoing obstacle for Bond franchise building is that the Bond role sucks.
The actor is signing on for a decade of physical trauma. In the previous ones, what's happened to you? I've had my right shoulder reconstructed. I have had this left knee operated on, my right knee operated on.
Also, if 538's stats are right, a Bond actor's future movies will be worse regarded by critics because they can't stop remembering when the guy was inside a tuxedo and two ladies. Sex. Those long Bond movie shoots also eat up too much time for an actor to express creative range by, say, to pick a totally random example, doing Guillermo del Toro and Apartment Snowpiercer and Hank Williams in one very fulfilling year. You can't blame Daniel Craig for quitting and saying he'd only come back for the money. But an approach of one-off Bond movies could entice a new Bond actor with money and creativity. Having new villains and new time periods and new storylines every time lets an actor keep reinventing the role instead of maintaining an eight-year Vesper Lind memories grimace. Also, the actor can know that if their first one-off Bond movie is a dud, the producers can shake up the next one. Or if their first movie rules, the producers can repeat what worked.
That flexibility is the secret weapon of the Mission Impossible franchise. Those movies star Tom Cruise, awesomely stupid action, and Ving Rhames' hats, because those things are perfect. If you only keep up what's perfect about your franchise, it lives forever, and it won't become an old man, speaking of... Okay, where's my fruit gun? As an utterly perfect woman once said.
I think you're a sexist, misogynist dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War. Freeze. Enhance.
Culture changes. World politics changes.
I love Bond movies, but what Dame Judy said gets truer every year. And Bond producers, you cannot respond to change with that douche smirk, unless you justify it. All Bond movies are vaguely set in their present day, which means in the new ones, they make a fist-fighting man's man watch other people do cyber war. But if the movies are one-offs, you can do a Cold War dinosaur Bond movie and set it in the Cold War, so it makes sense. And so the Man from Uncle movies can't hog all the Mad Man fun. Or you can stay modern and acknowledge we're past the era of heroic drunk Marlboro men, something the Brosnan and Craig movies could only hint at. You can even innovate, you know, cast a minority or an American, or finally star a lady spy, like you considered with Michelle Yeoh and almost made with Halle Berry, but we're too stodgy to do. Don't be stodgy, Bond producers.
Be fun. You know, fun tends to be good. Good tends to last, and lasting franchises are more than lucrative. They can make something so iconic, it's instantly recognizable, even if some goofball's imitating it with a banana.
Okay. Oh, wasted that one. Oh well. It's one banana, you know? It's no big deal.
If you like this video, don't be silent about it. Please like and subscribe and share it and help us make more of them. James Bond will return. Okay, and then we just add a silencer in post. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_resident_evil_movies_1_6 | I'll only give you the antidote and let you go once you've watched and explained the entire Resident Evil movie franchise. What? Why?
Before science. Ugh. Man, I hate science. I've been a bad, bad girl.
Well anyway, the first movie opens with some exposition about a megacorporation so ubiquitous their products are essentially in every house in the world. But what most people don't know is that it also works in the background on bioweapons and genetic experiments and they're called Umbrella Corp. in the movie, but we all know that they mean Walmart... or maybe Arby's. This information is relayed through on-screen text, but they also narrate it aloud because this is a video game movie which means lots of gamers are watching and we shouldn't assume that they know how to read. Still it's weird that this extremely basic world building couldn't have been conveyed more naturally at some point during the actual movie, but you know, gamers and their manuals am I right?
Anyway, we begin in earnest with this lab dude doing lab stuff to some straight up evanescent style nu-metal. We see vials of blue and green double helix stuff that are evidently pretty important because they're shoved into a suitcase with one of those level bubble stabilizer things to ensure they don't tip, but then oops, somebody just hawks one of the blue vials into a room causing it to leak when I'm gonna assume it's something bad and not a delightful Sephora fragrance for men. Next we cut to this friggin dweeb who is bullied into spilling coffee on himself like a goober before getting on an elevator and then getting trapped on said elevator because the entire lab goes into lockdown due to the aforementioned clone leak. Elsewhere, the sprinklers go off, which I'm not sure how that helps with an airborne virus, but worth a shot and then a second elevator's cable snaps so it slams into the floor killing everybody, which almost certainly isn't a helpful way to stop an airborne virus. But again, worth a shot. You miss 100% of the viruses you don't drop an elevator on, eh? Wayne Gretzky said that. Was he Canadian? But despite all the sprinklers sprinkled and elevators dropped, nothing appears to work and everybody in the lab dies.
But we don't have to dwell on that sadness for too long because the movie immediately offers up a nude wet Mila Jovovich lying on a shower floor tastefully draped in the shower curtain. At some point it has to be revealed that her name is Alice, but I honestly have no recollection of that ever happening so we'll just pretend that she says, My name is Alice to herself in the mirror, like right now even though realistically it can't be now. My name is Alice. Because naked Alice has severe amnesia and no memory of who she is or why she's all wet because she remains the sexy poster child for the born sexy yesterday movie trope that she basically codified in the fifth element. But yeah, then she wanders out of the bathroom and finds a weird bed with a weird dress on it and we see the depth of her amnesia because though she does remember that she's left-handed, she finds a note and has to rewrite the sentence to see if it's actually her handwriting.
But it's not. She then finds a bunch of guns in her underwear drawer which is probably a metaphor or something and as she puts on the sexy and practical dress sans bra because again all she's got to cover her bathing suit parts is oozies and shit and explores the mansion that she finds herself in where boom everything explodes in a rainbow six siege and a bunch of thatchers come flying through the windows and tackle her and also they tackle another dude who I guess was also wandering the halls and that guy is according to Wikipedia Matthew Matt Addison. Matt is just a nickname. His real name is Matthew but his close friends and lovers refer to him as Matt. I don't want you to be confused by that. So Matt slash Matthew is arrested by the thatchers even though he says he's a cop.
Then one of the other soldiers runs up to Alice and demands a report though it's a bit hard to hear because he's clearly using some sort of voice modulator. I want you to avoid, soldier. U.S. security operatives.
Oh his voice sounds exactly the same. Stitch's voice is crazy. Also his name is James One Shade and again one is just a nickname folks for James He's Legion. Got that joke.
We know he's the leader because he's bald and you can't lead a commando team unless you're as bald as a freshly shorn lamb. I don't make the rules. An apparently umbrella can create zombies but not a cure for baldness sadly. Anyway they believe Matt's police bona fides because only law enforcement officers get badass nicknames like Matt and they release him.
Then the thatchers Alice and Matt all head downstairs to an underground facility with a train. It's revealed that the mansion is essentially a glorified entrance to the lab from the intro which is called the Hive and which sits underneath a nearby city called Raccoon City because that's definitely a thing real people would name a city. It neighbors ratsberg and meerkat metropolis. Anyway the whole airborne virus thing set off the Hive's AI program called the Red Queen because Alice in Wonderland is the only source of material this screenwriter ever read. Apparently all that murder at the beginning and even just gassing Alice in the shower was all part of the Red Queen's security response.
I can maybe understand murdering all your employees when things go wrong. I mean I know that's the policy of some real world companies.
But what's the point of Alice's amnesia? What does that accomplish? The team is so worried about what they might find down in the hive that they remove their gas masks because what's the worst thing that could have happened at a bioweapons lab? An airborne virus leak?
Oh look one of the soldiers is Letty from Fast and Furious. Since she dies in every movie or show she's ever been in let's just go ahead and have a moment of silence for her inevitable demise. Amen.
Unfortunately the only way to get into the lab is to take this train. But what are the odds that anybody knows how to operate a train? Fortunately it's clearly an Alexi 5000 model which as any train head will tell you is the easiest to conduct of all the trains.
On the train is another amnesiac dude named Spence, no nickname Parks. He'd prefer if you just call him Spence.
Apparently he and Alice were fake married as a cover so nobody would question why they were living in the mansion in the middle of the woods and this is confirmed for Alice when she looks at the inside of her wedding ring and sees that it was made by Umbrella Corporation. She then slips the ring back on presumably because she has a few flashbacks that show while they may have been fake married she and Spence definitely had real sex so good that it just buried into their subconscious. I mean check out how hot this interaction is. Hey, you okay? Anyway the Motley crew busts into the labs and sees a bunch of weird back to tank things but doesn't have much time to dwell on that because they unlock a security quick time event and pretty soon find half of them have been chopped to tiny bits by a hallway laser. Should have pressed X. The hacker dude is sad that his slow ass hacking caused all those deaths but he's determined to continue the mission anyway so he goes down the now extremely chunky hallway and plugs a big ol EMP thing into the computer mainframe to kill it but before he can pull the trigger the queen manifests as a low quality CGI little girl that apparently looks and speaks like the program's creator's daughter which I guess means that he has a digital backup of her just in case you know his actual kid marries a DJ or something.
She begs them not to kill her like Janet on the good place but they refuse to listen and murder the child. We can't kill her. Not with that attitude we can't.
This causes a hard reboot and of course the release of a bunch of freaking zombies. Oops maybe should have mentioned that is a specific consequence of tearing you apart you freaking dumb computer. Anyway so there's lots of zombies right including this weird CGI monstrosity that escapes its confines and the team shoots everything a bunch. It takes a shockingly long time to realize oh you need to shoot them in the head but anyway they more or less escape except for this dude who totally gets shawn of the dead. See how easy that was. Alice gets separated from the group and goes full-on teching on this dude's undead ass because Nina Williams was inside her all along. You win. But then uh-oh she's attacked by some undead doggos which she just she just massacres. Not the most endearing scene in cinema.
Then Alice has a flashback where she promised to deliver something called the T-Virus to somebody outside the umbrella corp. Does that make her good or bad? We don't know but there's clearly more at play here kids strap in. Speaking of Michael Mike is also now off on his own and he runs into his sister Lisa who's unfortunately a zombie now and double unfortunately she's almost immediately freaking brained by Alice. As it turns out Lisa was Alice's contact and Lisa and Mike had both infiltrated umbrella corp in the hopes of taking it down but did Alice betray Lisa?
Unclear. Her dumb brain can't remember. Also it turns out Mike isn't what we thought he was which was I think a cop maybe? But in fact he is actually a spy soldier guy kind of. Bet you didn't see that twist coming.
Oh and by the way the team is racing a countdown clock thing for the entire mission because once it hits zero the lab will seal up forever. Shockingly the clock provides a minimum of three hours which seems like a really long time to wait before sealing off a lab full of zombies. And again it takes way less than three hours for Alice to wake up after being gassed so if they were hoping to get rid of her she could easily wander outside hours before being sealed in. Stop the seal! Anyway they apologetically reactivate the Red Queen in the hopes that she'll help them escape but she mostly just explains that yeah these things are zombies. Apparently the T-virus semi-reanimates dead things you know in case you were curious what was going on and or what zombies are. Also the team spends a lot of time yelling how there's no way out but also they immediately find easily accessible maintenance tunnels so well that's good. Somebody should have mentioned that much earlier. Of course in the tunnels are more zombies which they shoot but Letty gets bit approximately 30 times. Thankfully Alice doesn't get bit because she's doing insane slow-mo fight motions that actually probably don't warrant slow motion since half of them are just things that I would have learned in middle school wrestling. They mostly escape with most of their skin except for this hacker dude. He gets stuck on a pipe and looks like he'll kill himself rather than me eating alive but then he just he turns around and he realizes oh he's sitting in front of a another hallway so he just he walks down that hallway instead of dying. Tense.
Alice flashes back and realized that the Green Double Helix is an antidote so she tells Letty that she'll be fine as long as they can find some Pfizer lying around but of course Letty's unsure and demands to do her own research because taking Green Double Helix is a personal choice and she wants to know how Alice knows all this anyway. Spoiler it turns out that Alice freaking worked for Umbrella and she and Spence were like the main guards to the lab but Letty 100% had to know that Alice worked for Umbrella right? I mean why is she even questioning Alice's knowledge? She was a freaking employee but whatever before they can Johnson and Johnson themselves into a blood-clotted early grave Spence reveals that actually he did betray Alice and Lisa or at least he was gonna betray them in the sense that he stole some of the virus to go sell on Craigslist somewhere else and then he got everybody in the labs killed.
Rude. We learned this through Saw-esque flashbacks and surprise he was the coffee bumper. Thank you. It was all pre-planned. He jigsawed us all.
And then after all that I guess the Red Queen knocked Spence out with gas and stuffed him into a train closet somehow but she never bothered to mention that he was evil at any point before this she has evil cameras everywhere she had to know it was him and the Red Queen sucks at her job which kind of makes sense given that she's like eight years old. Speaking of why in the hell would you program your daughter to say this? I've been a bad bad bad bad girl. Did she have to record that line herself? That is one bad daddy. Also she wants Letty to die now because she's infected and then she'll let them out but Alice says no but none of it matters because before Spence can give himself an antidote because he got bit too the CG monstrosity attacks him eats him and then gains his powers or some then the dude from upload returns and kind of you know helps them escape then Alice finally drops her wedding ring because I guess she's decided it won't work with Spence after all what with him being evil and also dead also named Spence they get on the train but the monster attacks them so they stab his tongue into the floor and drop him out of the train where he gets dragged along the tracks and eventually catches fire because he has the strongest but most flammable tongue of all time they didn't even really need to do all that because it's super easy to see slash access slash shoot his big old exposed brain head no I'm not talking about his penis I mean literally his brain his real brain oh and also let he does die surprise then they reach the steps basically right as they run out of time but they are shockingly unworried about it no sliding under closing doors or anything they just kind of they kind of just walk through they got plenty of time why rush of course when they arrive upstairs oh no lab coat dudes break in and they grab Mike who got slashed by the monster is clearly transforming into some kind of sad hulk and then they capture Allison and they say that they want to put her into a nemesis program they also mention wanting to reopen the hive to learn what went on down there but isn't there a reason they lock it down like can you not just check security footage or look at the dude transforming into a zombie before your eyes anyway Alice later wakes up basically naked and on an operating table which is exactly what happened to me at my bachelor party but thankfully the scientists in the scene out of my bachelor party have tastefully arranged a thin strip of butcher paper over her private parts that does not quite cover her raccoon city when she falls off the table her beaver city you get it she walks outside and realizes ah raccoon city has been overrun by zombies the city has known her her bets her bets are good but yeah she grabs a shotgun and gets ready to do a sequel on these turds are these movies streaming on shutter by the way by shutter do you mean the streaming service often referred to as the netflix of horror no we are not but if we were using shutter then we could be streaming a bunch of like core classics like halloween and friday the 13th or even more modern stuff like all those crazy new nick cage movies like mandy and color out of space right and and also we could stream them on like basically any device imaginable absolutely and it's important to note shutter has far more stuff than just gruesome horror they've got incredible thrillers and comedies like movies such as the endless house bound and coherence just to name a few oh man those movies are so good and also criminally undersea thank god for shutter yes and right now you can stream anything on shutter for free for 30 days entirely risk-free as you go to shutter.com and use promo code crack that is you're saying s-h-u-d-d-e-r.com and use code cracked to stream anything for free for 30 days risk-free yes shutter.com and use promo code crack to stream anything for free for 30 days amazing even better if you sign up right now you can catch the tail end of shutter's annual 61 days of halloween where they will install sorts of new movies and series like a new season creep show and vhs 94 and a new docu-series called behind the monsters about the origins and pop culture dominance of your favorite modern movie monsters and so much more ah amazing you should sign up once you finish resident evil of course ah s**t respect all right well the second movie begins with a recap of the first movie which like stay in your lane resident evil then we see a happy neighborhood and then we see the aforementioned opening of the hive everybody gets killed of course but again what were they looking for exactly they literally bring a t-virus specific geiger counter thing they know exactly what they're going to find and they find it and it kills them it's like me looking for cheese in the fridge now that they know what they already knew umbrella issues a highly coordinated team of stunt drivers and black ass cvs to evacuate important umbrella members they pick up this ugly guy who both presumably created the red queen from the last movie and was in the Chernobyl miniseries which seems fitting they assure him they'll pick up his daughter at school which they do but then they get hit and run by a big ass cement truck for no apparent reason but the city isn't aware of the zombies yet and they're not panicking so i guess that this cement guy was just drinking and driving again which is a classic cement guy move then 13 hours later for the characters and the viewers things are going very poorly the city is being overrun by zombies thankfully this attractive woman in a ridiculous and poorly made outfit who apparently drinks from a goblet or a chalice maybe is named jiggle sandwich walks into the police station and starts shooting perps in the head like a libertarian's wet dream as it turns out she's recognized that these are in fact mindless zombies and not mindless pours or socialists or something then we have flashback to the beginning of the first movie where this dude initiates project alice causing alice to wake up underneath her teeny tiny little bedsheet dress then we're shown a bunch of footage from the first movie again because if we don't track the overarching plot we shan't enjoy the thrilling twists to come anyway within a matter of hours umbrella has magically constructed a massive cement wall around the city a real pacific rim job maybe the stress of such effort is what caused the cement guy to drink and also to drive it's got a bunch of your standard security checkpoints but oh wait the zombies attacks oh they shut her down anyway forcing jill and her buddy paint to run away and we can now confirm that umbrella is definitely intentionally evil because the guy in charge has a german accent see the gates our men are still just do it name one good german in a movie and no arnold's austrian doesn't count i'll wait can't do it right doesn't matter because i don't read the comments unless i'm lonely elsewhere we meet carlos aloe vera who like jill valentine is from the video game series and as if to prove he's a video game character he jumps out of a helicopter guns akimbo shooting zombies in the head like the quickest of time events fun fact his partner is scut from a christmas story he had yellow eyes and fun spoiler he sucks at fighting just like in a christmas story he's also supposed to be a russian which i mean he's a red-headed dude whose accent appears to skew more french than anything i consider myself freelance but i'm getting ahead of myself side note who films and edits scenes like this and feels good about the work they've done anyway the ugly doctor named ashford would still like to find his daughter so he hacks into a computer by literally like googling hack please and once in the mainframe he watches a bunch of survivors through security cameras like some sort of rear window perv you have a great one such recipient of his leers is alice who finally finds some appropriate clothing and realizes her skin does freaky now jill and paten find themselves where most people experiencing emotional turmoil end up church and just like every church this one has an off-brand aletutic with a gun just running around and somewhere along the way jill and paten also teamed up with this journalist lady who if i'm not mistaken is named journalist lady the third jill wanders around the church and eventually stumbles on a freaky priest who is feeding people to his sister we're like 14 hours into the zombie outbreak and this guy's already renounced god and deciding he needs to feed living people to his sister i'm gonna guess that father had a few issues before the whole zombie thing transubstantiation is gross jill kills him because honestly is the christian thing to do and i would know i have seen all the gods not dead elsewhere in the church are three big-ass monster things from the first movie because this is a sequel a sequel that cost 45 million dollars or 11 getouts the protagonist quickly run out of ammo but thankfully they don't need bullets because alice crashes through the stained glass window that probably required a million monk hours to make and drives a motorcycle into one of the monsters and then shoots the gas tank then she drops a crucifix on another basically just single-handedly clears the sanctuary fun fact the majority of that 45 million dollars definitely went to the sound designer why alice decided to go to this church or how she knew these people needed help or how she knew where to specifically aim her motorcycle of death missile is is all unclear but what is clear is that she's been juiced up in some way she's no longer a mere human she's dare i say super super super human human in the middle of the city mike epps is to distract by blood-covered strippers to drive his car in a straight line dta but elsewhere in the city a bunch of cops and umbrella dudes attempt to shoot every single individual zombie individually surely there's a more efficient or at least safer way to do this like maybe shoot them from inside the helicopter or something but too late they're all dead down except scutt and carlos then we get this sick-ass shot of a police helmet so the cinematographer is something for his vimeo reel then a bunch of zombies come busting up out of the grave which is that how the t-virus works i mean i guess it can if they want the scene does showcase more exemplary sound design now we're introduced to the newer bigger batter sequel monster his name is nemesis and he looks like the bastard lovechild of the terminator and an irk high we know that he's badass because he randomly kills a bunch of cops but why aren't they on his side stars is it because they have a cowboy sniper cop who's annoying as because i would rocket launch him too notably he doesn't kill mike epps because he's not a threat outside of his acting of course ruspe but neither were the cops they were actively on the same side they're all fighting zombies here and we should change his name to captain a cab ruspe but okay whatever now umbrella has realized that headshotting every citizen of raccoon city individually which every character pronounces raccoon by the way would take forever so instead umbrella plans to just nuke it all to hell which would certainly be more efficient if a little war crimey also where did they get a nuke i want a nuke so our heroes need to get out of the city by sunrise which is when the nuke will drop you know how the military always plans attacks based on vague levels of relative brightness rather than say the actual clock and just uh shoot the apocalypse ushering weapon after you've had your coffee you know whatever i think we should be out of here by sunrise but okay so the big ass nemesis thing is caught up with the team and immediately chain guns paint to death alice then charges the damn thing and does crazy stuff like whole ass jump over fences and pull a straight up indiana jones by taking shelter in a trash can to survive a direct rocket launcher blast what the hell is that can made out of plot armor the team reconnects and stumbles upon a randomly ringing pay phone and on the other end is the ugly doctor who says if they can help him find his daughter angela he'll help them escape the city before it's consumed by nuclear fire and or the undead they say sure whatever and head to the nearby school where she was last seen they also run into the other cops and my caps they've all been tasked with saving angela so they decide to throw in together and tell ah crap the journalist gets eaten by a bunch of zombie children who presumably haven't had a juice box in freaking days we're gonna take you home then jill goes into the room and discovers angela she was in the same room the whole time why didn't the children eat her professional courtesy amongst children anyway then zombie dogs attack again and scutt gets ralphied big time that's your service jill and angela run away but then jill starts cooking spaghetti there's no time for spaghetti jill it's the apocalypse oh actually she was just causing a gas leak gross to blow up the dogs unethical she survives the resultant explosion by wrapping herself and angela in a freaking blanket because apparently anything can be used to survive the explosions in this universe i don't know what they're so worried about this nuke for as long as they've got a couple of gum wrappers or maybe alice's saran wrap dress they should escape the blast unsinged it's then revealed that both alice and angela are infected with t-virus but it's cool because they don't you know bite anybody alice has been born in it molded by it so it's making her a superhero but angela is just using the virus so she can walk again and keeps it in check with antiviral shots too much in one direction she'll be a hungry hungry corpse too far in the other and they'll have to carry her out so now they're driving away and alice gets a little cachetish with our boy carlos i'm not contagious he seems into it or i assume that he's into it because he's had exactly one facial expression the entire movie he could also just be dreaming of choking down a chili dog or imagining there's no heaven nor hell below us i i don't know i haven't seen it well but i think it's just like we gotta get out of here we're okay we have time no as it turns out the helpful escape plan offered by ugly doctor who was the location of the last helicopter out of vietnam speaking of the british dude says raccoon like how i say it the last transport to leave raccoon city am i british anyway the doctor's betrayed by the german and offered the best metaphor ever computers so unreliable just like people is that a common saying computers don't work sometimes just like my grandma who's retired and also dead and also a zombie pour that in your oil gray and drink it up british man carlos easily sneaks out behind these incredibly shitty guards and alice evidently scales a 50 story building solely so she can repel down it guns a blazing because a nuclear time crunch is no excuse for not setting up an elaborate badass action sequence but that was all part of the evil german plan somehow because they run right into hans londa and goth mogg stars because she's an experiment that's similar to the lieutenant of the witch king though notably much cuter christoph waltz demands that the two lab rats duel as part of a double-blind experiment to see who is better at taking drugs i guess al fun alice says no you can't make mean the german guy shoots the scientists which makes no sense because he's extremely valuable to the german and means almost nothing to alice as opposed to literally everybody else sitting there but whatever that still somehow motivates her to fight and motivates the sound guy to just go hard as hell alice wins of course but she doesn't want to finish off the monster who at one time remember sort of was an important character in the last movie and in that exact moment beauty and in that exact moment the beast learned to love beauty so he gets up and he just starts ripping german dudes in half there's some shooting and some rocket launching and some helicopters explode some stuff and some helicopters explode themselves but most of the team still ends up on an unexploded helicopter where alice gets stabbed in the gut by maybe a really sharp socket wrench but that doesn't really matter because the helicopter gets taken out by the nuke anyway and alice wakes up in another back to tank thing but this time without a couple strategically placed handkerchiefs to cover her bits and i don't want to make like a huge deal out of this but the boobs on the computer don't really match the test subject and i'm not going to show you because i don't want to get shadow banned but like you know take my word for it oh hey it's also that dude from game of thrones then they let alice out and apparently she has amnesia again which is like the second time in a month but then she immediately remembers and escapes when twist her friends drive up in an suv for some reason but double twist the mean scientist wanted her to escape because she's maybe mind controlled or something now and then it zooms all the way out from the car to an umbrella satellite so i guess that's what they're saying also she has the power to make people's noses bleed from great distances now so she's she's about to become some tissue company's wet dream before which they will need tissues there's just a ton of tissue usage coming and then we get a kill switch engage song over the credits because there is a god and he loves us release me hi i'm octopus are you ready to rock pick up a syringe and inject that octopus what will happen to it don't worry about did i kill it oh s**t you've always been gentle with me betty oh god the third movie kills a few minutes recycling from the initial naked moments of the first movie when twist it's revealed that actually it's not the first movie at all it's a different movie all together in fact alice wanders through a real bright hospital fully clothed for once obviously implying that this is some sort of nightmare sequence when suddenly a blade just comes up out of the floor and chops up a gurney that she's been pushing and then a turret pops out of the floor and shoots her right in the gut to death then the game of thrones doctor scientist shows up and says ah bummer well take a sample of her blood and i'm calling it right now she's a clone after she's presumably sucked dry a couple unfortunate staff members haul alice's lovely bones up an elevator shaft to a shack surrounded by zombies in the middle of the desert a hucker body into an open mass grave with a ton of other dead alices and now not to be picky but none of these women are decapitated or even particularly wounded in the hand what do you want it's not that simple what do you want would they not reanimate as soon as they're introduced to the t virus infected air isn't that the implication with the grave busting zombies from the last movie no well then me then the movie then explains the entire planet was overrun by zombies and the virus to the extent that it has helpfully devolved into a one-to-one bad mac scenario but with zombies which presumably makes the writing of this movie much easier hell three of them start a brain-dead monster of their own you haven't met anybody you didn't kill anyway a stranger with a sick ass bmw motorcycle arrives at a radio station to assist the survivors inside who've been broadcasting that they need assistance even though like yeah dude the world ended everybody needs assistance i ordered taco bell uber eats that never arrived like months ago tonight i'll be eating cheesy cauliflower pizza and yummy broccolini the stranger is revealed to be alice with a new haircut and she heads inside to discover a woman cradling a baby while facing away from her and unfortunately alice has apparently never seen a movie because there's a 100 chance that the baby is either a doll or dead or a zombie and it's a doll alice is grabbed by some nasty raider people because it was a trap don't you see and one guy tries to rape her but uh alice kicks him so hard he literally dies as punishment they knock her out and throw her into a makeshift rancor pit to kill a bunch of dogs again man this series loves killing dogs it's like the one constant oh yellow as it turns out alice does in fact kill a bunch of dogs but also she escapes in such a way that the dogs eat the remaining raiders opening set piece complete elsewhere in the world we see a mad max convoy driven by among others mike epps and carlo said holy clear rivers she survived death after all like i'm supposed to believe that but but jill unfortunately is nowhere to be seen nor ogled she must have asphyxiated after a tank top from the last movie collapsed her ribs into her lungs tragic elsewhere elsewhere a bunch of evil umbrella corporate types have an evil board meeting where they reveal that they're hoping to domesticate a bunch of zombies and convert them into a brain-hungry workforce we know they're evil because the guy in charge is literally wearing shades both at night and fully underground oh and they're all doing a zoom meeting apparently because they're all holograms alice discovers a gas station and inside she finds a suicided dead dude with a diary and since it's not like there are any barns and nobles out here she steals the diary and reads it even though it's kind of a dick move okay back with the convoy we learned it's being led by clear who now goes by the alias claire redfield which isn't really that clever of a pseudonym especially considering it's also the name of another resident evil video game character a reveal sure to thrill dozens of people worldwide they stop in an abandoned motel because they need gas well maybe they can convert years old snickers from the vending machines into fuel but shockingly the main thing they find inside are a bunch of zombies including this zombie cop complete with very cop like aviator sunglasses and very cop like hatred black people mike epps who goes by lj by the way survives the attack but he's been on the nip you're not you when you're hungry he hides this fact though because he's hooking up with the team nurse and he's worried that she would be a little skeezed out by his pussy oozy moobs meanwhile evil scientist man named alexander isaac's has trained his zombie to take photos with a camera not never mind it's still a zombie sad that a zombie wasn't willing to become the best friend he never had alexander stares deeply into this big water ball with a naked mila jovovich clone in it speaking of the holidays are coming soon what do you get the friend who seems to have everything a subscription to shutter using promo code crack obviously but then you have to get them a naked clone ball introducing the titty bear order yours today we'll throw in a naked clone of the ugly scientist guy from the last movie for free we also learned that alexander has a white queen ai who's sort of like a sister to the red queen ai but also who gives a shit back to the convoy they're being attacked by bird dimmett quality zombie crows and a bunch of them get packed like really hard until alice shows up and uses her apparent telekinetic powers to create a firestorm that burns up every bird in the area where did she get the fire you ask well the convoy has a flamethrower obviously you know the weapon that can't be fired without expending copious amounts of gas the one resource that are really low on and desperately need anyway alice reunites with her friends minus poor ribcagellus squash jill and she admits that she left them several months or years ago or whatever because she knew that she was being tracked by umbrella via satellite but it's cool she can now avoid it because she knows how they work or something of course that's not entirely true because queen whitey tells alexander that alice must be alive because she sends some strong alpha beta waves because science alexander decides to grab a bunch of zombies that he's anti-domesticated that is made way meaner and use them to kill alice so that he can use her blood to make better even more naked clones but at this point i'm wondering okay if you can clone alice's at least 87 so far why not use those for an army or better yet turn them into a bunch of workers i mean if you're worried that they're going to be too strong or not amenable to your plan then just clone the janitor or something you already have the tech for an army just use that you freaking goobers oh and meet this girl who does nothing and is appropriately named camart hi she says that's her name because that's where they found her but thank god they didn't find her in a hooters or a dirty dicks crab house hi anyway alice shares the diary with the rest of the convoy like the meanest of mean girls and it turns out that the dude had been picking up transmissions suggesting it was safe and virus free in alaska so they decide hey let's go to alaska the diary also says still people living people loving people which is the post apocalypse version of a live laugh love throw pillow but before they can drive to alaska they they really do need some gas so they hit up las vegas which thankfully has been covered with a ton of budget friendly sand so you don't need to look at too many landmarks unfortunately they have to move this conspicuous container sitting in the middle of the sand it's honestly not super clear how that is in the way of anything but whatever it doesn't matter because that is full of rage zombies they bust out and start killing things and alice starts going crazy with some sick ass blades and physics defying neck breaks but not notably her literal superpowers she only bust those out for important situations apparently not when they're just you know actively being overrun as it turns out alexander faked a work command by mimicking sunglasses man's voice allowing him to use his angry zombies to attack the team he himself sits in a white tent observing the action near ish by and he also activates a satellite that literally shuts alice down somehow why did they wait until now to use this instead of you know like right before opening the container with all the zombies well because alice's blade fighting is rad as hell and they were too mesmerized obviously elsewhere elsewhere the team is still getting obliterated and it doesn't help that claire is a freaking awful shot like zombies are five feet away and she's just shooting him in the back then the cowboy gets his just wrecked by the eiffel tower and lj succumbs to his nipple wounds and bites carlos all hope seems lost until alice blows up the satellite with like her brain i guess so she's no longer alice and chains and is now alice unchained like jango alice finds the tent and kills them all except alexander who escapes on a helicopter he returns to base but is immediately shot by some lackey guy for some ordination and thanking the work command but then he pops right back up and kills everybody because he was pounding a bunch of five hour t viruses on the flight and has been reanimated as a low budget doc oc hours of energy now no 230 feeling later claire alice still bit carlos and still worthless kmart sneak up on the enemy base slash shack and carlos decides to open a path through the zombie horde by blowing himself in a gas truck up except like they still need the gas yeah and also surely alice could use some more telekinesis powers maybe she could float a few of them inside the fence or something i don't know anyway carlos explodes and they sneak in and they grab a helicopter because who doesn't know how to fly a helicopter and the survivors escape but leave alice to head down into the base slash shack to just wreck some fortunately the secret base door that nobody's supposed to be able to enter just opens via motion sensor once down there the white queen who's again described as a sister ai to the red queen but the red queen was the ugly doctor from the last movie's daughter who we met so did he have another real life daughter he also turned it to a computer or maybe he just inserted his floppy into a dell at some point so they're like half sisters dude yeah i don't want to speculate further but then the white queen asks alice to kill doc auk would you kindly and also explains that her blood is the cure for the virus just like will smith's was an i am legend alice then chases down alexander but he's pretty sneaky and skitters across the screen approximately 13 times but finally they fight and it turns out that he's pretty much invincible due to his self-healing powers and in their tussling they accidentally birth another naked alice clone who is stillborn which is gross but also still kind of into it but now suddenly they're in the house from the original movie and the laser tunnel from the original movie even though the laser tunnel was like 50 miles under the house as part of the hive i mean if every base has a random mansion attached to it then why would the laser hallway be above ground i mean i guess technically they're currently way below ground so that means they just built an exact replica mansion underground to what end in case the fbi tunneled 50 stories underground looking for a secret lab but then realized oh we're actually just in a mansion oops my bad thought this was a secret lab obviously alice uses the laser to kill doc auk or more specifically her sexy clone uses the laser to kill doc auk because she woke up at some point which i'm even more into then the two of them teleconference into another evil umbrella meeting and warned them they're coming to japan to kill them all and also they're going to bring an entire mila clone army and they're going to be attacked by clones it's going to be an attack of the clones you could say which sounds like a great title for a great movie if you ask me all right now stick a syringe in that helicopter do you have literally any idea what this stuff does put it in the helicopter or i swear to god fine damn it the boy's gotta stick up his ass this movie opens in japan clearly because it starts with one of those top-down umbrella shots somebody finally used the series massive budget to acquire some nicer cameras too because they spend the first three minutes of this movie slowly leering at this wet woman turns out she's a zombie and she eats some people and we learned that it was actually four years ago but i thought this started in raccoon city was that not in america dta and regardless how did this one infected woman end up in the middle of a busy tokyo intersection without biting anybody or tipping anybody off that she was messed up it must be that classic beauty blindness i know all of you weirdos watching this would have sex with the zombie if the zombie was wet enough i would anyway so yeah now it's four years later and a couple of fun-loving japanese snipers are hanging out now now they're dead they were guarding the secret entrance to a secret underground city housing another secret umbrella corporation headquarters but not for long because alice and her million clones show up to absolutely wreck with literally impossible mid-air redirections but i don't care because this is the only thing i've ever wanted from she also uses her tk power right away finally but then oh she's shot dead but it's all good because there are many more milas to take her place also many more milas is the name of my forthcoming romance novel now you might think that most men would be thrilled to have this many leather clad mila jovovich is running around but not wesker the sunglasses guy from earlier who's also technically a character in the games he's upset and so he casually murders his lieutenants to blossom steam you're not you when you're hungry wesker kills a handful of milas again the name of my romance novel prequel but ultimately the hq is swiftly overrun wesker escapes on a helicopter because once again the alice's forget their literal superpowers and decide to just instead shoot the thing with dual pistols and they pay for it when wesker self nukes his own base presumably killing all the clones and saving the editor from having to cg multiple milas into every subsequent scene but wait og alice is on the helicopter and she sneaks up behind wesker and she gets stabbed in the neck with syringe or whatever so she loses all her powers saving the screenwriters from me yelling at them every time she forgets she has the ability to destroy her enemies with her freaking brain but instead chooses knives and backflips and then the plane just crashes into a damn mountain because i guess wesker forgot to turn on autopilot and he just literally left the plane hurtling through the air for 10 minutes and even though alice no longer possesses powers she survives the crash almost entirely unscathed wesker is also nowhere to be found and now it's six months later and alice has apparently grabbed an airplane she flies to the mythical arcadia in alaska to hopefully meet up with all her buds from the previous movie she lands in a field full of planes which is a bad sign and also her friend's helicopter alice then presumably applies a healthy coat of makeup because she looks very made up for the last human on earth suddenly she's attacked by a dirty claire with a robot crab on her chest which no isn't some weird horny metaphor i'm trying out it's an actual robot crab and it's on her chest it doesn't look anything like a tit that's t-i-d-d-y anyway alice knocks off the crab and learns that claire has amnesia now and has no idea what that'll happen to her or everybody else because that's the easiest way to keep the plot a mystery alice then presumably lathers up and bathes a still tied up claire in a scene you can only experience by reading one of my romance novels and the two clean and made up ladies hit the open skies claire remains tied up even though she could still easily choke alice to death but also like where's she gonna go she gonna jump out of the airplane mid-flight the only logical reason to keep her tied up is again mostly explained in my books believe me those pages are moist for no apparent reason they fly to los angeles and notice a bunch of random survivors stuck on the roof of a prison and surrounded by about a billion zombies alice decides to try and land on the roof because it's not like she's got anything else going on and she succeeds she and claire are then introduced to a basketball player named luther a failed actor named crystal in the most meta role of her life hi a soldier type guy named orteez a dickhead type guy named benet and a guy named kim yong criminally not played by stephen young they all think alice is from arcadia because they've also heard their broadcast but alice is like that's dumb arcadia is in alaska they're like no your dumb arcadia is a boat and it's literally it's right there as a way to make them all correct they just decide that the boat has been moving up and down the west coast telling land lovers to hop aboard but now it's nighttime so the survivors go around lighting a bunch of torches on the exterior wall so that the zombies won't have to be afraid of the dark and we also learn of another dude named wendell guarding another dude named chris in a separate cage they don't want to let chris out because what if he's killed people like what if he possessed the one skill that's needed in the world right now well that's debated zombies have apparently learned how to tunnel and wendell has learned how to get his rocks off good but he has not learned how to hide very well they ultimately let chris out because he claims to know a safe way out of the building it turns out that chris is actually chris redfield and he's both claire's brother and another character from those video games that these movies have virtually nothing all right this is very touching see what chris knew was that there's an apc behind a door that i guess nobody ever bothered to try and open because they were too busy lighting 10 000 candles every night and chris also knows of an armory with an assload of guns that's inaccessible except by swimming thankfully crystal is a champion swimmer i was a swim channel back in high school even when carrying a big ass handgun and i mean if there was ever a way to beat microfelps they emerge from the water with surprisingly committed air goal kind of makes you think that they actually force the actors to swim two stories underwater i mean these movies are all about realism after all unfortunately it turns out that the zombies can swim too and they immediately eat crystal because i guess she's not also a champion turn around her anyway they find those weapons which is good but what's bad is there's no actual engine in that apc and benet doesn't know much about fixing cars so instead he just shoots or tease in the head and then steals the airplane that alice left on the roof you're not you when you're hungry and honestly that's still pretty good compared to most of the mechanics i've worked with the rest of the crew gets nearly overrun by zombies but fortunately a few of them had a silent conversation with their eyes where they agreed to get on an elevator and blow it up with c4 so would plummet 100 stories into some water allowing them to escape a roof onslaught now that's teamwork alice for her part does a pretty badass rooftop jump rope swing thing that's ironically awesome at least until the world's shittiest cg ruins everything this movie had a 60 million budget and yet they couldn't be bothered to film a real explosion then again why would they when this movie grossed 300 million dollars 300 million dollars that's more than the first x-men movie then ghostbusters then freaking hundreds of movies that are like good this is the fourth film in this freaking franchise where the theater's packed with ticket purchasing zombies are resident evil tickets 400 a pop anyway they all kind of reunite and are about to leave through the sewers when oops the mid-level boss zombie hacks kim i forgot about in half forcing alice and clear to fight the thing for probably only like 20 actual seconds but the scene lasts for more than five minutes thanks to being 100 in slo-mo this is called snider cutting at one point alice shoots the zombie's dick right up into his own brain but apparently that's not enough to kill him i guess he has two dicks like a possum or something and also isn't it just like a man to always have genitals on the brain then they shoot the dick like right out of his head i guess he only has one head so that now he's dead they crawl through the sewers and luther gets grabbed but who cares we have to move on and suddenly magically they're on a small boat headed to the big arcadia boat on deck is bennett's crashed airplane but literally nobody else is around except oh okay they see an umbrella logo and quickly realize this is a trap and they should just continue on anyway they learn the boat is like a big old floating experimentation lab and they've been trapping people and experimenting on them which seems kind of crazy because how many humans are left in the world anyway and oh look one of the trapped people is kmart she's a little out of it when they wake her up but i have to assume that's partially the confusion of them just yelling kmart at her over and over i mean i get that that's her nickname but also it's a little disorienting probably to come out of a coma to the sounds of people yelling the name of a defunct department store at you kmart it's okay it's okay kmart side note i want to land an acting gig where all i have to do is frown as hard as i can like chris i'm just like man i'm mad i'm a serious mad boy who wants a piece of my mad name is chris i don't know who wouldn't hire me after that i wrote those lines on the spot improv is that right anyway they open another door and surprise it's wesker again oh look he's got more undead dogs for alice to put down but this time by kicking pieces of glass into them which i mean to be fair is the first thing they teach you in vet school it's like day one here's how you put dogs down you kick glass into them questions anyway bennett somehow snuck up behind alice which is only realistically possible if he was crouching behind one of those tables for the past like seven minutes like a freaking idiot whatever apparently wesker's taken a ton of t-virus stuff and it's made him strong but also it's going to overtake him unless he can pump a little human dna in there to counteract it also be warned this is exactly the same thing that happens whenever you buy a supplement from joe rogan or ben shapiro or info wars make sure you also buy a little human dna but yeah since alice is the only person who has ever bonded with the t-virus in a stable way wesker needs her blood like asap but twist alice does not want to give her blood to wesker so they fight in a knockoff matrix style agent fight thing with wesker dodging a million bullets from such a close range that it actually seems like maybe they're all just really shots like he's not even really dodging that hard right anyway at some point he stops dodging so he can slowly eat alice but surprise that makes it much easier to shoot and stab in the face wesker doesn't quite die though so he grabs a helicopter plane thing once again to escape and he activates a second base obliterating nuke but oops it's actually on his plane so he just nukes himself also luther is alive which means we have to hear him give more one-liners the boy's got to stick up his ass so the boat is saved except because each of these movies is insanely confident that it's going to get a sequel the movie ends with a billion umbrella copters moving in to kill everybody speaking of apparently jill valentine is back but evil because because of her non-metaphorical boob crabs that's t-i-d-d-y she also looks super different because evil changes you man and it gives you highlights place it here or here or anywhere you need put on uh that sexy hanker cheese there do it yes yes put it i don't find fifth movie begins with that same new metal font they should really update that it also begins with the exact final scene from the last movie but it takes a couple of minutes to really get there because we have to go in reverse and it's pretty awesome i'm not going to downplay it i like it jill and her umbrella boys kill her capture basically everybody and in the ensuing chaos alice gets blasted right off the boat and into an extended recap of the last four movies again these movies were apparently seen by tons of people and yet the producers are smart enough to realize no sane person can track this freaking insane plot so these extended recaps are as much for the producers themselves as for the audience after a distressingly long intro and a replay of the first scene but in normal motion and direction alice wakes up with a new haircut and in a well-lit happy house she's apparently now married to carlos except his name is now tod and they together have a deaf daughter named becky who was so deaf they have to write her name in huge letters on her bedroom door anyway they're immediately attacked and carlos slash taut is immediately killed but becky and alice run around this neighborhood that is evidently a part of raccoon city for a while when michelle rodriguez shows up for a moment only you know to crash the hell out of her car because you can take the leady out of the fast and furious but you can't take the fast and furious out of the leady you're gonna turn your back on family so they continue to run around sans leady and i wonder why they don't just try hiding for a bit whatever none of it matters anyway because alice suddenly wakes up with her more recent haircut and once again dress in those sexy handkerchiefs that serve no purpose other than keeping this movie to an r-ish rating and presumably protecting mila jovovich's husband's honor you know because she's married to the writer director of these movies yes her husband dresses her in these handkerchiefs which i mean i'm not going to comment any further on the kinks of the famous i mean let heaves without blame cast the first sexy handkerchief jesus said alice is interrogated by old crab tits jill for a while until the prison is hacked and alice finds some s and m gear again the director is her husband and she escapes into a hallway another freaking laser grid chases her outside into the opening tokyo scene from the last movie with the pretty wet zombie girl and everything and the only thing that's changed is a massive game stop ad looks like the producers of this movie went to the moon too i guess alice runs back inside the building and beats the hell out of a handful of zombies with a bike lock and a handgun and again it's pretty rad alice ends up in umbrella central control and everybody is dead then a lady from the video games naturally named ada wong shows up and she says that she works for wesker who no longer works for umbrella and they're in a testing facility right now under the ice of camchatka one of risk's most pivotal countries as you know and what alice just experienced was just a outbreak simulation of tokyo and in fact there are also simulations of moscow new york city and general suburbia where umbrella would show off how their bioweapons might react in those places if released for real and that helped them sell that to the highest bidder kicking off a new bioweapon centric arms race and also at this exact moment wesker has sent five dudes to help save alice because he needs her for a war against the red queen who's inexplicably back and i'm sorry i meant five hot dudes including luther and also leon who's a hot dude from the video games you track all that if not i'm sure will be the opener to the next movie anyway so alice immediately partners with a guy who wanted to drink her blood in the last movie because she has a kind heart full of forgiveness ada confirms they're going to need to fight their way through a bunch of levels i'm sorry simulations video game movie first up is nyc now allow me to reiterate here the purpose of these simulations is to show off what the t virus would do if deployed the new york city simulation is specifically intended to convince russia that if they launched a t bomb in new york city it helped them defeat the united states or whatever okay but so what is the result it's two of those big axe wielding mid-level boss dudes that's it russia was persuaded to buy a weapon that inexplicably causes two massive axe dudes to appear in time square what does that do to further the Kremlin's interest exactly how is such a thing even possible is that what happens every time they run the simulation because that is very specific and where do they keep finding the nails and the burlap sacks i have questions whatever ada and alice win obviously and they move on to suburbia elsewhere the hot boys fight through the moscow simulation and it's the same thing the simulation starts and they're attacked by a bunch of undead russian soldiers like literally there's nothing changed about them compared to regular russian soldiers except they're now presumably harder to kill steven sagal is hard to kill they still use guns they drive motorcycles and they shoot rocket launchers imagine presenting this to the united states look if you buy a virus weapon all as their soldiers will still be functional but they'll be ugly as that can only be killed this headshots and they might bite you a lot how cool is that that would be 12 trillion dollars we accept cash and dollars going how is this an effective simulation are these zombies capitalists now were those axe dudes transformed into communists umbrella's marketing department must have some truly incredible sales people oh i shouldn't i said that now the suburbia and the tokyo demonstrations make sense everything goes to but new york city and moscow apparently take dramatically different turns doesn't matter how many times we run the simulation we just always get axe dudes and roosky rocket launches i can't explain it but i promise it's useful anyway now the girls fight through suburbia we learn umbrellas using clones to run the simulations which includes alice clones but also clones of half the characters from the first two movies like carlos letty robot voice commander man weirdly jill is not a clone she just remains you know the original version of her just with those crustacean bosoms we also learned that ada has a harpoon gun i guess and becky is still alive and thinks alice is her mom which is fair what's less fair is how this version of alice apparently knows asl and even more shockingly the actors are using actual honest to god american sign language that's the kind of attention to detail i literally would never expect from this franchise because once again they blew the budget learning accurate asl and realistically riddling the house with bullets only to skip on any actual fuel-based explosions the budget is so big blow something up for real please meanwhile back in moscow leon pulls off some sick martial arts then one of the dudes gets chainsawed by a zombie which is irony so pure Socrates probably arose from his grave anyway the rest of the hot boys escape momentarily but there are still gunshots in the background like what are the zombies shooting at more capitalists more communists i cannot keep straight which economic structures these zombies prefer anyway the hot boys are attacked by another nemesis thing but alice hits it with a car it's cool she left becky with a good version of letty she found wandering around in the subway then they're chased by zombies that can pop friggin wheelies which okay now i see why america would buy this bioweapon because that's cool as after several minutes of driving the hot guys realize oh right maybe they should shoot back they play it off with some tough guy banter to cover up how embarrassed they are that it took them this long to remember they even have guns i guess but anyway they all escape from the things back into the subway where letty agrees with me about the boy's relative hotness where'd you find these guys then they're attacked by the nemesis thing yet again but this time he just grabs becky and runs away oh well it also kills michelle rodriguez because this is a movie and michelle dies in movies this is the way alice slowly climbs the ladder to save becky who we're gonna hope is safely closed by and not being actively devoured by a monster because there's not a lot of urgency to her climb meanwhile the rest of the hot boys shoot at jill who shoots like a freaking moron and they also shoot at the attacking clones side note kurt cousins must have been a huge fan of this movie you like that you like that alice finds becky in an unexplained cocoon thing and then she kills the nemesis thing twice and uses the repel gun to escape an explosion but then why did she climb the ladder five minutes ago why not repel did she forget alice and becky end up in the clone throne room and alice tells her that she's becky's mommy now then a bunch of bombs go off and the place floods the team escapes the snowy surface but before they can escape fully an evil submarine pops through the ice forcing jill and alice to go full kill bill and snow kung fu each other for a while while evil letty injects herself with some t-virus action and beats the shit out of luther and leon after a long time alice finally just tears off jill's tit her crab jill's tit crab letty almost kills both the dudes and alice but then alice pulls a liam nelson and shoots the ice under lenny and then she gets dragged into the water by zombies who can swim still it's weird that they can do that but then they're all saved by some wesker copters cut from there to a white house downshot wesker who again i guess survived the nuclear blast that was inches away from his dick and balls in the last movie has taken refuge in the oval office and he injects alice again giving her her powers back because humanity is basically gone now except for this motley crew and the red queen intends to exterminate humanity unless alice gets out there and personally kicks every zombie on the planet to death good luck now you will syringe yourself no i think i'm good i think i'm good i think i'm good god never mind then not touching the trinity bitches so for some reason a million hours into this franchise they decided to begin not with a plot recap but with a full-on history of the umbrella corporation something that presumably would have been interesting and or worth knowing at the beginning of this whole thing when i was younger and still full of hope but obviously they just didn't know what they wanted umbrella specific history to be and it still seems like they don't know because here's what they claim okay basically there was once this doctor dude named james marcus and his daughter alicia contracted the same disease as robin williams did in that movie he made with freaking frances ford copila about a kid that rapidly ages you know jack everybody loves jack anyway marcus's daughter ends up with the body of a 90 year old when she was only 25 which i mean some people are into but anyway marcus develops the t-virus as a way to heal her and it works but he also apparently gave it to exactly one other kid that became a zombie and ate some people on a gondola which is i mean actually one of the better places to get uh eaten you know scenic views secluded anyway because of that marcus tries to shut the program down but dr alexander isaac's of game of thrones and doc oc fame murders him to keep umbrella corp on top then dr alexander isaac's uses alicia's voice in personality to make the red queen even though i thought the creator of the program was supposed to do it which would imply that angela the daughter of the ugly ass doctor in the second movie was the red queen and i guess technically they never said that she was the red queen but it was very much implied and i don't know i don't understand then fast forward a bunch of years and alice claims that the american government knew track density but like i'm 99 sure that umbrella did that was a big plot point why are you red conning right at the end you bastards anyway whatever now it's the present and the white house is looking rah olympus hasn't quite fallen but man it's like right there in fact all of dc looks like straight ass liberals must have won the midterms or something but anyway we see a single survivor in the wreckage and their face is hidden but if you think it's somebody besides alice you're a dumb piece of she wanders around some and she fights a chained up zombie in the lincoln memorial reflecting pool who must have been some politician's long forgotten gimp and then alice runs away from a zombie bat dragon thing for a while until she kills it with a claymore that apparently just detonates like a bag of dynamite i love that they made a big deal of showing the front towards the enemy part but then it explodes in every conceivable direction you could aim its ass towards the enemy and you'd be just fine then an air raid siren goes off for a minute uh for some reason and then we see an umbrella satellite feed for the billionth time because some dude in a trailer somewhere has been flying that thing around behind alice for 10 years and just just cranking it anyway alice ends up in another underground lab thing as one does and the red queen confronts her again as one does and says okay look there are 4472 humans left on earth and umbrella is going to kill them all in 48 hours if she doesn't release an airborne antivirus now why is umbrella going to wait another 48 hours after 10 years of contamination i'm clear what is clear is wesker apparently betrayed alice and the other survivors off screen between movies because somebody decided to take the story in a different direction for the sequel and that was i guess the easiest way to hand wave the last movie's ending the antivirus is buried in the remains of the hive which is buried under the remains of raccoon city which is buried in the remains of my sanity so alice hits the open road but pretty much immediately crashes and is attacked by post-apocalypse oscar the grouch all me get it visual aid yeah that terrific oscar actually apparently these random trash can hiders are umbrella corp based on their helmet logos what the hell are they doing out here i don't know but now they're dead so i guess we're down to 4467 humans alice still ends up captured by some other people after she electrocutes herself on a motorcycle and who are those people why they're the weird slaves of dr alexander isaac's who was supposed to be dead at the end of the third movie but twist that was just his clone obviously you big dumb idiot you thought it was actually him you're dumb dumb he's driving a future tank through the wasteland towards raccoon city while a massive zombie horde chases closely behind alexander kicks alice out the door and makes her run behind the tank for a while and he also reveals that he's a christian now i guess she's an unbeliever but not a very nice one if we're being honest also he says raccoon raccoon city even though he's british but wesker does say raccoon and he's like british adjacent though i i have no idea what his accent is and i don't understand anything anymore but obviously alice escapes and i'm pleased to report the explosions look much better this time around now but then she crashes again alice wakes up again and oh hey look it's claire and another motley band of survivors she survived the arcadia attack by deftly renegotiating her contract and now she and these other freaking weirdos including ruby rose are preparing to play tower defense but like for real and i know alice desperately needs to get to the hive like yesterday but that would end the movie too quick so they're gonna you know fight those tanks and their attached zombie hordes for a bit first they firebomb a tank and kill a bunch of zombies by traditional bullet methods but actually the entire crux of their plan revolves around setting the entire building they're in on fire like the whole thing just burn that up yeah even the parts with all of her twist then from amidst the flames alice zip lines out and attacks the remaining tank one-on-one she wins then alexander escapes as villains are wont to do after the mid film set piece anyway so now they attack the hive as a little foe army group in their first test fight a bunch of damn dogs just eviscerate some good boys throw every puppy we've got left at them this is your last chance to kill some pooches on screen everybody on set bring your mutts and don't worry we'll have mila jovovich put them all down anyway they survive the mongrels by jumping in water because the poppers all abide by gta3 rules then they all run inside except for this one zombie who just he squooshed in there's the red queen who says okay okay okay okay okay okay let me okay look let me tell you why i'm working against umbrella all of a sudden she plays a video of this old board meeting where alexander says hey so the world is bad it's getting worse and i'm thinking instead of trying to fix it what if we killed it ourselves and the board seems skeptical because you know that's going to be hard to sell to the stockholders but alexander says no listen in the bible there was a flood and this will be like that you know how profits soared during the flood but anyway the plan is we could kill everybody real quick and then we'll come out of our hidey holes and rebuild the world and you know fill it with nothing but chucky jesus and that sounds okay on paper especially if it gets rid of all the arby's but like why would rich people care if the world is going to end in 50 years that's a problem right now and rich people are still like yeah but i'll be dead in 50 years so who cares if the earth is dead too also i'm a bit confused because i thought wesker was in charge of alexander expect an updated report within a week simply demanding results will not guarantee them then perhaps we should place someone else in charge i mean he treated him like his little science bitch in the third movie but now i'm to believe that alexander is in charge of the whole damn company i mean alexander gets shot by some random background extra after faking wesker's approval for a special mission but that's like some apple store genius shooting steve jobs because he wanted to build an xbox competitor or something and didn't ask for approval from the head of security or whatever wesker is supposed to be in wait is that what happened to steve jobs red queen also reveals somebody on alice's team is probably a traitor it's just because i don't know sometimes that happens in movies anyway then they have to go through a big ass fan and of course it turns on and alice saves ruby rose literally twice but she tries to die a third time in that one sticks and then they're attacked by evil air vents because apparently the hives entire defense system is hback based oh and on alexander in the present he just grabbed a tank and killed everybody on board so he's on his way and now alice is in a grungy lab and fights a monster thing that she kills with guns but oh no it's still alive so then she kills it with a chain but oh no it's still alive so then she kills it with a knife because there's never been a villain in the series that's actually dead the first time they're killed they just love faking probably because every third murder is a dog and dogs love to play dead oh and here's claire stuck in a stinky box you pervs now alice waters again through that laser hallway that the producers are so damn proud of and she activates some sort of elevator that takes them deep into the bowels and reveals that the entire umbrella high command has been frozen in cryo tubes to you know wait out all the icky zombie stuff picking up the real alexander is now unfrozen by wesker revealing that the other alexander that we've been following is also a clone obviously you idiots when alice shows up real alexander has the anti-virus in his hand and twist it's revealed that this random non-character was the traitor great alice then imagines 20 different ways to kill alexander but it turns out that he's got some technological enhancements that give him a much stronger imagination so alice realizes that she won't be able to stab him with a ballpoint pen or whatever because he's already imagined it too then an old ass alice wheels out from the back and reveals that she's alicia from the intro but with the t-virus young making effects worn off and that the alice we've been following this whole movie and this whole franchise is actually a clone of her which along with the red queen being based on alicia cretes as alexander so eloquently puts it the trinity of bitches which spoiler is the title of the thrilling conclusion to my romance series the red queen would be totally killing everybody right now and helping out except she's been programmed to not hurt umbrella employees so old ass alice who has presumably had a change of heart at some point in the last thousand years fires wesker which makes him no longer an employee so he can be attacked by the red queen this corporate structure makes no damn sense alice then heads towards the surface to release the anti-virus but she's told by both alice that she'll die because you know the thing will kill all t-virus stuff and she's got t-virus and her there's no way around it they say apparently forgetting the existence of gas masks but before she can do that there's an inevitable fight scene with alexander and his robot brain which they act like is insanely fast and calculating but doesn't appear to practically make him more than a slightly above average fighter they end up in the laser hallway where he sends a ton of lasers then alice dodges for the 19th time but again why not send the undodgeable laser grid first why do they keep trying other variations for alice to sexily dot oh okay i just got it anyway it's all moot because apparently alexander was carrying a hand grenade or some and alice pulled the pen at some point so his tummy explodes but not the anti-virus thankfully who carries around a grenade that they're never going to actually use of course it doesn't matter because he's not really dead anyway because we see his brain as rebooting or whatever we all understand computers here yes yes yes yes yes alice makes it outside the base but then is confronted by both alexanders the clone one is shocked to learn that he isn't the real one even though he's fully aware there are clones of alexander in the world so who's to say that this one isn't lying i don't know but he murders alexander so i don't know who cares it's the final chapter lemulon alice then activates the virus and passes out and zombies die in droves but then she wakes up of course because again nothing really dies when it should red queen admits that she lied about alice definitely dying because she wanted to see if she was stout of heart and strong of friendship or some shit you're a master of karate and friendship not sure what part moral purity plays into saving the planet within seconds of it being obliterated but i guess it's nice to know that the woman who rescued everyone did so with a kind disposition and a winning smile as a reward old ass alice records all our memories so alice can watch them and become the one and only and true alice the movie then ends with alice traveling around to presumably continue fighting bat dragons because the wind takes a long time to get everywhere so the antivirus won't get to the entire world for a while the end now i must reveal that you too are a clone and you must fight yourself if you ever leave here what's up not much you know i just watched like a ton of resident evil movies oh man you should get shudder instead and use promo code crack dude tell me about it let's get out of here literally nothing i do works go catch a flick i hear there's a new resident evil coming out a couple weeks |
cracked | why_willy_wonka_is_the_first_torture_porn | Willy Wonka is such a good book, and the movies are super fun. Well, I mean, I prefer the first one more than the remake, but still, you know, good fun, fun times. I mean, who wouldn't love a movie about a guy who has a magical chocolate factory and invites a group of kids to come and tour it and then, you know, torture all of the bad kids? Yeah, if you really break down the story, that's what it's all about. And yes, those kids are annoying, but they didn't deserve all of the horrible they got dished. And here's why.
Feel sorry for Wonka, it's gonna cost him a fortune in fudge. Augustus Gloop is a boy from Germany who has an eating disorder because he binge eats all the time. And his parents aren't helping in the slightest. They don't even seem to notice or care, which might be the reason why he's binge eating. Either way, we are villainizing a boy who is dealing with health issues. What a repulsive boy. Yes, he falls into the chocolate river because he's drinking it nonstop. But instead of getting him out, and they had time to get him out of the river, he gets sucked up a tube where he is publicly shamed for getting stuck in said tube, and then he gets pushed through the tube and Willy Wonka finally sends for help so that he doesn't get chopped into fudge. Which means he was probably sitting in chocolate as a giant chopping machine got closer and closer to killing him. That's messed up, Roald Dahl.
Now this piece of gum here is one that I've been chewing on for three months solid. Violet Beauregard is very intense with her icky gum chewing.
But she's doing it competitively because she's a world champ. Why? Because her parents expect her to always be a winner, and she's an overachiever dealing with the pressure of parents who expect too much. She's a little girl, and her whole world revolves around always being a winner and always being first, since it seems to be the only way she gains affection.
So when she's tempted with gum, because c'mon Willy Wonka, you know she was gonna want to try the gum, she takes it. And he barely tries to stop her, and then she blows up into a blueberry and is blue for the rest of her life. Oh, and I forgot to mention that she gets juiced. They don't go into detail in the books or movies, but imagine being juiced. Blueberry goo coming out of all of your orifices. She did not deserve that.
Where's my golden ticket? I want my golden ticket!
Veruca Salt is undeniably a brat who demands everything. I want to go in first. Yeah, I want to vote like this. Make time go faster. Get me one of those squirrels.
But did you ever think about the fact that A, she didn't spoil herself, and B, maybe she was consistently screaming about wanting different items because her mother was an alcoholic and her father replaced human love with consumer items. Her life is a punishment, and all she wants is love, but instead Willy Wonka traumatizes her by having squirrels or whatever push her down a garbage chute with the threat of being burned up by a furnace. How would traumatize anyone for life?
Die!
Mike TV watched too much TV and played too many video games. I'm sorry, but who are we to judge? Look at today's Netflix and Chills Society. Gaming is at our fingertips all of the time. Based on the lesson that Roald Dahl is trying to communicate, we would all be punished. Also, his parents could have used their parental control to stop him from spending so much time in front of the tube, but again, neglected child. He is also brilliant and understands a ton about technology. All you have to do is check the manufacturing dates, offset by weather, and the derivative of the mechanics.
He's a curious little rascal who gets shrunken because he thinks what Willy Wonka is doing is awesome. However, he doesn't understand the consequences of his actions, you know, like a child. But apparently Willy Wonka thinks that he deserves to get shrunken down to be tiny and then painfully stretched out like Taffy to be a stringy thin Taffy man for the rest of his life. Mr. Wonka?
Charlie Bucket, the winner of the tour of the Chocolate Factory. Yes, he doesn't get injured or tortured, but he's given a Chocolate Factory without being asked if that's what he wants to do, and then he's told that he cannot keep his family around. You can't run a Chocolate Factory with a family hanging over you like an old dead goose.
What is wrong with you, Willy Wonka? Stop messing with people's lives. And every time the kids got hurt or punished or whatever, the Oompa Loompas sing mocking songs about them instead of helping them. And yes, every child wins a lifetime supply of chocolate, but that's just handing them diabetes. I guess what I'm saying is, Roald Dahl, who hurt you? Also, always have chocolate on hand when you rewatch the movies.
It makes it awesome. I don't know who took a bite out of that before, but I don't even care. I kind of care. Thanks so much for watching, and if you liked this video, please subscribe and watch more cracked videos, and if you didn't like it, I guess, whatever. I care. I'm not going to say that I don't care, but you don't have to let me know. You could just subscribe anyway. |
cracked | women_on_the_red_carpet_get_sh_tty_questions_today_s_topic_scarlett_johansson_mindy_kaling | Ugh! Did you see this thing with Ryan Seacrest? How at the Academy Awards he asked Scarlett Johansson whether she took her shoes for a test run. Do you actually wear the shoes that you're wearing tonight for the rehearsal? What a ridiculous question. I mean that is so dumb! Why does this happen in every award show? Female celebrities are asked the worst questions.
I know, but like what do you expect? The unexpected always. Pardon my training, it keeps me on my toes. It makes up. It just makes me crazy.
I am so sick of women being asked in name questions while men are asked actual questions. Like tell us more about Goatman and what you did to prepare for this interesting character. As opposed to how much weight have you lost to get into this shape right now. We're like how long did it take you to get ready?
Yes! Exactly!
They're probably exhausted. People do not understand how much time, energy, and legit work goes into being red carpet ready. They don't want to talk about it after. Or they're asked like truly inappropriate questions like when Mindy Keeling was asked.
Who's your type? Is my type?
Yeah. Good looking. Okay, so any color. Yes!
It's weird and discriminatory. It's just I don't understand.
Not to mention shelling out from whatever snail, semen, skin treatments, and vogue. Or when Biola Davis was asked to just say what color dress she was wearing. I mean she makes people feel with every performance and they just wanted her to say the word yellow. Snail, semen. As if the goo come out of their butt when they walk wasn't gross enough.
Or when they asked Keith Urban if he gets final say in what Nicole Kidman wears to the red carpet. Keith, do you get the final approval of these dresses? And that's just for award shows. During press junket interviews women are always asked dumb questions. Scarlett Johansson again was repeatedly asked whether or not she could wear underwear with her Avengers costume. Now were you able to wear undergarments? You're like the fifth person that's asking. What is going on?
She's expected to wear a skin tight dress and have no visible panty lines. I'm sorry that girl is either going commando or she's wearing a thong. Of course she's gonna go commando because nobody wants to have cotton just shoved up their butthole. I mean he has clearly never worn a thong because the cotton it just gets right up in there.
And the fact that the paparazzi is just waiting outside of her limousine hoping for an upshot. Oh that doesn't seem to bother anybody. Instead she is expected to apologize because some creepy dude with the camera took advantage of an awkward moment. Nice to see you. I've seen a lot of you lately. Sorry about that. Yeah! Why aren't the paparazzi trying to get like butt crack shots or the like ball outlines and no no never mind.
I feel like you answered your question. Yeah I did. And if female celebrities aren't being asked about their underwear it's always how'd you get in shape for the role or what's your diet? You look amazing. Oh thank you. How long have you got in such good shape?
Whereas men are asked actual real questions about their process and I'm like I have a process. Women have a process. We are actors too and honestly Carmen it really offends me as an actor that they can't even take that into consideration. You get to be upset but look it's Michelle.
Former first lady of the United States. Oh I miss you former first lady of the United States.
Thank you for that. And did you hear about Rowan Blanchard from Girl Meets World being asked if she had any dieting tips for other teenage girls? Cool yeah because we just need to tell teenage girls they need to just diet cuz. I mean Melissa McCarthy nailed it when that person told her that her acting is better when she's pretty. I said I hope you don't have a daughter and I didn't mean that you know in a mean way and I said if she comes home and someone says you can't have a job because you're unattractive. I said are you going to say that's right? And he and he took that in his heart and he was like no that's I would never want that I would never in a million years want that to happen.
Melissa McCarthy. Melissa McCarthy is an angel and I love her.
Anyway if women are asked about their jobs at all it's always how it affects their family. Yes like when Jamie Lee Curtis was asked how her kids felt about her sexy scenes and true lies I mean come on. Men are never asked how their kids feel about their sexy scenes. Yeah cuz men aren't synonymous with babies. Hi you did a whole movie but I want to focus on the five minutes in it when your character had sex. What did your husband father and children think about that? Are there any other authoritative men in your life who have an opinion about your sex scene you know like maybe like your priest or something.
Shut up fake interviewer you just shut up my priest a woman. Yeah. Six woman. Didn't work no got carried away I just really wanted that fake interviewer to like eat her words you know. That's fair but you know it's not fair. Great segue. Thank you.
When a woman has kids and all the questions are like how did you get your body back this quickly? Or like did you get in vitro and and if she says yes or no she's judged either way you know people are like oh she didn't want to get it naturally done because she didn't want to ruin her body so she got a sir again and guys are never asked that when their new dads. Well to be fair men don't gain baby weight because they can gain weight at any point and it's not a big thing and oh god forbid a woman doesn't want to have a baby then it's a whole nother thing then it's like hey Jennifer Aniston why don't you have a kid yet? Are you waiting for Brad Pitt to get back together with you? She is married and she is happy and she is not just Brad Pitts vaccinated.
Yeah oh thank you. Yeah that's good just a nice dose of feminism. Thank you.
I just can't take the double standard and it all starts on the red carpet with those demeaning questions. Well not sure that's where it all starts but totally hear your point you're right it's a big part of it. So like if you were interviewing them on the red carpet like what questions would you ask?
Well honestly I'd probably offer them a snack. Oh or like a hug? Yeah or you know maybe like they'd want a massage or something. I guess that's kind of creepy.
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cracked | we_remade_tenet_for_20 | All I have for you is a word. Tenet. It'll open the right doors. Some of the wrong ones, too. Here's the key to my room.
To do what I do, I need some idea of the threat we face. As I understand it, we're trying to prevent World War III.
No. Something worse. Asteroid. No. Tsunami. Negative. Stripper prohibition. No. I don't believe it at all.
But I've said too much. No. You haven't said enough.
Aim it and pull the trigger. Why does it feel so weird? You're not shooting the bullet. You're catching it. Whoa. Wait a minute. That don't make no goddamn sense. Your booty transcends national interests. You have to start looking at the world in a new way. Did that test you passed? The links don't bite them in. Not everybody does.
Welcome to the afterlife. How would you like to die?
Going out to sea. A sailboat.
For the fuckers. That can be arranged. Is there room for another? You have very pretty eyes for a diplomat. Mom, land here.
It hasn't happened yet. Keep in secret, Charlie. They take the balls. They shove it in my throat. That's torture. Get it, Sabre, here and now. Save my son first! Don't try to understand it. It's Nolan.
So you want to crash a plane? Well, not from the air. Don't be so dramatic. How big of a plane? Well, that part is a little dramatic.
All I have for you is a word, coupled with a gesture, coupled with a logo, coupled with a website, coupled with an upcoming feature film, coupled with a line of children's toys, coupled with a breakfast item at Taco Bell, coupled with a new drink at Starbucks. |
cracked | 5_reasons_the_guy_fixing_your_computer_hates_you | Five reasons the guy who's fixing your computer hates you. By our calculations, about 96% of all computer repairs aren't done by a tech guru or the geek squad, but by a friend who is nothing more than an average computer user that knows how to look up error messages on Google. The vast majority of computers that the computer friend fixes are broken because of some bullshit the owner installed, like Weatherbug or a program that changes your cursor into an animated kitten. So your computer friend's first job is to go through and strip out all the malware and toolbars and Trojans and then install protection to help block this type of crap in the future.
Two months later. Yeah, stuff was blocking my site, so I turned it off for a few months and now my computer is so slow.
At this point, your computer friend will begin crafting crude effigies of you. Most of the time, your computer friend's gonna wind up Googling for the answer to the problem, which you could have done yourself. This search will take several hours, only to eventually lead him to a message board where he'll find this. Your job now is to bring your computer friend a sandwich and not hassle him about the speed at which he picks up his shattered psyche and tries to muster up enough nerve to tackle your problem from scratch. Again, be careful of free porn. There's a good chance you're not gonna wanna hear why your computer's actually in this condition, at least not from your computer friend.
Let him talk to your son in private and we'll all be much happier.
He cannot make your 10-year-old PC faster. If your computer is more than five or six years old, the final solution is most likely gonna be you need to buy a new one. Why don't we just bring it to the Craigslist where they'll buy it for a couple hundred bucks and we can turn that around and buy me a new system? Your setup wouldn't sell for a couple hundred bucks. It won't sell for 10 bucks.
Computers degrade in value at roughly the same rate as bananas. Wipe means everything. Worse has come to worst.
Your PC's so screwed that it won't boot, not even in safe mode. The only troubleshooting option left is to start over and do a clean install on your operating system. Yeah, fine, just wipe it and start from scratch. Well, we're all done and your system runs like new again.
Where's all my stuff? It's gone, it's wiped. I told you windows are still there, so maybe the other stuff is hiding. No, swordfish, we can't find it because you kept it all on the same bit of hardware that you've been dragging through a gauntlet of adware, spyware, and trojans.
You wanted a fresh start and you got it. Try to use it to clean up all those bad habits and start treating your computer like the crucial yet fragile tool that it is. Yeah, right, see you again in three months.
Prick. Every muscle, every blood vessel, his desire and pressure built up in his, you know what, I'll read this whole thing to you if you subscribe, it's a romance novel. There's a lot of good stuff in here. I would give you the whole package. That's euphemism for a dick. |
cracked | why_no_one_at_the_rnc_wants_to_mention_trump | Hello and welcome to another episode of topical cure the only news show willing to say the world isn't actually ending and everything You're worried about is actually more boring and inconsequential than you anticipated Fuck the ratings. I know it's not sustainable at all Anyway, I'm your two-dimensional monotonously handsome anchor sore and booing and all week. We've been covering the doomsday prepper I'm sorry the Republican National Convention. Thanks to a live feed.
We've watched every second of this RNC for the past I don't know eight years it feels like and we just want to start with a few of the best moments We scooped out from the otherwise placid white see Laura Ingram accidentally dropped a hard zig-a-hile on the audience at the end of her speech Trump intentionally pat his daughter's butt right out where just everyone could see Brock Miele called Trump a 1% or without realizing the word already has some pretty notorious Connotations Peter Thiel and even Trump himself acknowledged that members of the LGBT community are human LGBTQ community there was a lot more fear rhetoric Americans will likely die on American soil possibly in large numbers and of course senator Ted Cruz refused to endorse Donald Trump or even say his name like a Scared child playing Bloody Mary in the bathroom vote your conscience vote for candidates up and down the ticket Who you trust to defend our freedom and to be faithful to the Constitution? Well, I get Ted Cruz not wanting to globally mention the man who publicly implied that his father was the co-mastermind of Kennedy's death It made us realize that no one was actually that willing to use his name the majority of speeches from political OGs like Rubio Christie and Carson said Trump so sparingly that according to word cloud Hillary Clinton's name was not only said more than the candidates They were there to support but the position the candidate was running for and the country they were currently inside of Hillary Hillary Hillary Hillary Hillary Clinton Keep in mind this is his convention not Hillary's a man who loves his name so much that he puts it on the sides of towers And even on the RNC stage in size 2 million font He is according to most headlines more powerful and influential than any living human He is larger than life and depending on who you ask either our Savior or harbinger of our demise He's a giant. This was Donald's birthday week his introduction to American voters, and he brought all of the banners and party favors But nobody's seen that interested in talking about him vice president candidate Mike Pence Who may have been chosen simply because his last name rhymes with fence barely even mentioned his running mate instead He delivered a bland toothless speech that could have easily been written I don't 30 years ago for somebody else and hey, maybe it was I don't know Was my little pony around back then and where else would an independent spirit like his find a following an independent spirit That's something you say about your least favorite child the one trying to be a musician not the man You hope to be our commander in chief, but I guess why wouldn't that be the case those other politicians? Don't know anything about Trump because Trump isn't a politician. He's a businessman an outsider a rebel That's why we're supposed to like him surely Trump's former business associates though will give us some insight into the real man This is Phil Ruffin a real estate mogul casino owner and mo green wannabe and one of Donald Trump's few friends That was actually asked to speak this week. We're in Palm Beach with Robert Kraft. He had a he bought a Donald had a house on the ocean. Oh my god. You aren't so bad at this Not just bad at humanizing Donald Trump, but like fully terrible at telling a compelling story Million millions of people are watching you and none of them know your pal Robert Kraft Let's see what Tom Barrack Donald's other best friend has to say So I'm gonna use words that you probably haven't heard about Donald white-handed. No normal No, Donald's definitely not one of those hails cats dressed up in a suit I'll let you go you go first. He played me like a Steinway piano. Okay. Well technically he's right I have never heard anyone say about Donald Trump or anyone else Remember conventions are designed to make us like the candidate on a personal level So so far all we've got are politicians who won't mention Trump and alleged friends who can only talk about Trump in terms of the deals He's made in rich guy metaphors Which is weird, but the weirdest thing surrounding Donald Trump all night was his children I mean not literally the kids are fine relatively fine On the outside at least Most of the speakers and a lot of the press surrounding the event talked about how great or at the very least Normal all Trump's children appeared to be a lot of people extrapolated further that if his kids are good It must be a reflection on Donald's own goodness despite ever growing piles of evidence to the contrary But when asked to speak Donald's kids had about half an anecdote between them Tiffany said her dad called her when her best friend died Donald jr And Eric only talked about his skills as a businessman and his favorite daughter Ivanka brought up the most important thing He ever said to her you're gonna be thinking anyway You might as well think big which it turned out to be just a line from his book written by someone else well At least now we know that Donald Rizzo his kids at night And if you thought you get to know the real Donald in his speech you thought wrong my friend It turns out that the four days of convention were just foreplay We thought we were building to some glorious finish when we could finally meet our demigod the one who who build Skyscrapers with his bare hands who loves his children neither too little Nor too much and has plenty of minority friends Hell the goddamn backdrop to his speech had so many American flags that well, I bought a truck I don't even know how it happened. I just felt like something I needed to do you know at the very least We were salivating for the most politically incorrect rated mature commanding dick talk we had heard all election But when it finally arrived It was long boring and dry you it is finally time I alone can fix it We'll be able to visit the doctor or hospital and record immigration I wonder sometimes What he'd say we were promised this amazing climax with his speech and when we finally got a peek behind the curtain all we saw Was a hunch seven-year-old man trying to eye kiss another old guy The party of red states left us with a nationwide case of blue balls It was a lot of bread and pathetically little meat His entire life journalists have described Donald Trump as a man who who's Fundamentally hard to know the millions of dollars and hundreds of man hours spent on this convention We're supposed to reintroduce him to the country to prove that he's presidential but in the end Donald Trump Still couldn't give us any more than a watered-down version of Donald Trump It's not enough to tell someone how great you're going to make them feel eventually you actually have to do it gross and Donald Trump Just he couldn't find the clearest of America, which is you know somewhere around New Hampshire, I think At least not my last country it was Okay, that's it.
Cool. I'm gonna Go take a shower Hello, and thank you for watching these first few episodes of topical cure It's been a lot of fun to make and cover the rnc. Unfortunately, we won't be covering the dnc with such exhaustive coverage Not for any political reasons, but you know assume what you want to assume We will have people on the floor though getting footage for us and covering it that way. So stay tuned |
cracked | batman_was_sexually_repressed_from_the_beginning_of_time_canonball | Everybody knows that Batman is a big-time rules guy. A galaxy-brained supervillain move would be to get him hooked on German board games. He'd never leave his fat cave. His personal code of conduct generally boils down to no guns and no killing. But what DC doesn't want you to know is that there's a secret slate of shadow rules by which the Dark Knight must abide. These rules were never meant to be public, but looking back, they're all too clear. I'm talking about the official moratorium on Slurpin' Badge, and two distinct rules that boil down to don't touch your dick. This is cannonball. Rule number one, no eating ****.
Well, shall I continue? It's not worth it.
The creators of the Harley Quinn animated series set out to shake things up and break new ground. And they've said that for the most part, DC has given them a lot of leeway. But there was one scene that the suit said crossed the line. The one where Batman chowed down on Catwoman's Bikini Burger. The following is a dramatic reenactment, according to co-creator Justin Halpert.
You can't do that. You absolutely cannot do that. Heroes don't do that.
Are you saying heroes are just selfish lovers? No, it's that we sell consumer toys for heroes. It's hard to sell a toy if Batman is also going down for someone. Choosing for just a moment to ignore the horniest squirt gun of all time, I agree. It would be hard to sell a Batman hamster cage or whatever if Batman himself was actively drinking of the fuzzy cup at the end of the toy aisle. But I'm pretty sure you're still going to move some units even if Batman is briefly portrayed as a generous lover in an adult cartoon. I'm not saying every superhero needs to be a canonical slut. Hmm, why not send Junior home early? I just think if you're too buttoned up about this stuff, you end up like a paranoid parent, constantly worried that your precious boy is losing his B-card that stands for bat every time his bedroom door is closed, when in reality, he's probably just tinkering with his gadgets.
Oh, and speaking of which, rule number two, no masturbation anywhere in the DC universe. This rule doesn't come from a piece of Batman canon, but it does apply to all denizens of the DCU. We have Neil Gaiman to thank for vigorously throttling this rule out of the stiffs of DC. His story is similar to Halpern's. The execs were pretty lenient about the weird shit he wanted to do with their IP. While he was writing some of the first issues of The Sandman, however, they did censor exactly one word, masturbation. Gaiman says, quote, It was explained to me that people do not masturbate in the DC universe. Incidentally, Neil has confirmed this in a response to a piece that appeared on comedy website Cracked.com.
In his words, quote, That's probably why the characters all dress in tight costumes and go around thumping the shit out of each other. And sure, maybe in our universe, an inability to crank it might lead to some horny aggro behavior. But in the comic book world, I think we can deduce that a critical backlog of orgasms is the reason they develop superpowers in the first place. There are cults who swear that not splording will turn you into an X-Man. I'm looking at you, Om Shinrikyo. Now imagine being Batman, too proud to summit Mon's pubis, forbidden from slap and hog by a puritanical god and expensive loafers, and able to shoot a web from neither wrist nor schlong. With all that pent-up frustration, maybe the last rule is a pretty good safety measure. Rule number three, leave room for the Holy Spirit.
Batman's relationship with Robin has always been the subject of some scrutiny. And I don't mean to jump to conclusions. I'll just say, I wouldn't do most of this stuff with my young ward. Early Batman writers and illustrators maintained there was no funny business going on. But mere facts are no match for a good old-fashioned American moral panic.
The Lavender Scare was a mass hallucination in the middle of the century that made idiots believe gay people were a risk to national security. The Lavender Scare was this fear that really permeated American culture in the 1950s during the Cold War. That gay men and lesbians had infiltrated the federal government.
By the 60s, it had gotten so bad that Burt Ward, who played Robin, was forced by the Catholic Legion of Decency to take dick-shrinking pills. And they found a solution, okay? And that was, they found a doctor who had these special shrinking pills.
In the intervening years, it's come to light that Batman himself was on double secret probation since the 1950s, thanks to a poorly researched book called Seduction of the Innocent. This book posited that comic books were turning kids evil, and even worse, gay. Not just a friend. Batman's stories in particular, quote, may stimulate children to homosexual fantasies, and only someone ignorant of the fundamentals of psychiatry can fail to realize a subtle atmosphere of homoeroticism, which pervades the adventures of the mature Batman and his young friend, Robin. So what in particular made Batman gay? Well, it's the same big three that give away any closeted gay man.
He wears a dressing gown. He had flowers in his house, and he had a butler. Oh, by the way, I've pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls. Thank you, Alfred.
As a result, comic book publishers frantically whipped up the Comics Code, a set of rules that prohibited, among other things, ghouls and werewolfism. From there on out, Batman had to be depicted a comfortable distance away from Robin. The makers of this toothbrush set did not get the memo. Ironically, the Lavender Scare and the Comics Code ultimately made Batman way gayer than he otherwise would have been. Burt Ward has gone on record saying that Batman and Robin could be seen as gay. George Clooney straight up said, I could have played Batman straight, but I made him gay. And Robin would canonically come out as bi in 2021's Batman Urban Legends. Now, if a hysterical attempt to make Batman straight as an arrow backfired that badly, God only knows what will come of that no-jerking-off rule. With any luck, we'll one day get a DC multiverse where Batman shakes sticky hands with the chafed crusader.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannibal. I've been Jesse Eisman, you've been you, and that's exactly who I want you to be. Don't forget to like and subscribe. Why don't you jump in the comments and let me know what kind of sex toys you think Batman does or should have in his utility bill. |
dropout | collegehumor_all_nighter_2012 | So what are you guys gonna do? Somebody stable my eyelids open. We're all having, honestly, a really good time. How on earth did you think this would be appropriate? Is that so hard to believe?
It's the all-nighter. The all-nighter!
Yes! Is this a prank? It's everything you need. And it is crazy. Bull! What'd I miss? A night of too many laughs. You like jokes? We have fucking money. Are you guys laughing?
I'm so sorry.
What are you talking about? Come on, seriously? Come here! Here we go. Finally! The cast, the writers, the crew, the editors, we're all in it together. Now can we move on to something more important, focus on what we're supposed to be doing? No! We're gonna have to fucking spell it out for you people. What?
Heath Gourwish. It smells like vagina and paint. No way! That's incredible! Two points.
What is going on? Why? Why would you do this to us?
Please remain calm. Now come to the all-nighter and we'll get you back on your feet. We're gonna have some hilarious videos and we're all gonna need a nap. |
dropout | everyone_is_an_asshole | When you picture an asshole, just what do you see? A fedora-clad guy with a stupid goatee? Or maybe an eye banker straight from the 80s who screams in his cellphone and drives a Mercedes? A frat guy who reeks of deodorant smell? That fucker named Tucker who wants beer in hell?
Yes, these are all assholes, the biggest around. But you needn't look hard for some more to be found. They're here all around you, they're near and they're far. But which ones are assholes? Well, all of them are. But that just can't be, I hear you debate. I know some of them, and I think they are great. I call these folks friends and I think they are swell. What makes these guys assholes, I ask you, pray tell? Your friends can be friendly, but sometimes they're not.
And then they're an asshole. Now who would've thought? John is an asshole, cause he takes out his phone. When you're talking to him and you too are alone. Izzy ignores every one of your emails.
And Cory tells stories that denigrate females. Tara is tardy at times you should meet, so you're stuck in the cinema saving her seat. Olive's offended by all that she sees, while Edward thinks everything's far too PC. Ron retells jokes he discovered on Reddit and reposts this poem, but doesn't give credit.
Okay, you may say, my friends can be classless and perhaps they resemble the holes of some asses. But there's billions of people and surely there's some who can be called more than a hole in a bum. But no, it's not so. Everyone can be awful and do things distasteful, uncouth and unlawful.
Greg goes to parties and plays a guitar. Chris cuts you off in his shiny new car. Britt goes to birthdays and never brings beer.
And Sam will say spoilers no matter who hears. Luke goes online leaving long winded comments, screeds full of meanness and empty of content. Fran leaves her phone on when others perform. Tim thinks that treason is healthcare reform. Bradley will brag about how much he's paid and still he'll complain of the cost of his maid.
Of course, I'm an asshole with all that I write, pretending that these observations aren't trite. And don't think I forgot in this hullabaloo that the most special asshole of all here is you. Of course, that's not true. You're not special at all. You're the normalest asshole that I can recall because just like the rest, you care most about you and think that the world should act like you do. You think you're the hero and others are extra. You're a rainbow of dicks across asshole-ish spectra. That's how we all are, though it's certainly heinous. And so we're all shitty because we're all like an anus.
So what have we learned? It's now time for your quiz.
Who on Earth is an asshole? Everyone is! |
SaturdayNightLive | nfl_gives_back_snl | On the field, we're athletes, but off the field it's our job to give back to serve the community. That's why this offseason Nfl players are using their strength for an important charitable cause. lifting women whose boyfriends can't pick them up.
Got it from me? A boss. I got you man. Oh, what do you weigh 80 pounds?
Look, I love my little boyfriend boyfriend, right? he makes me laugh a lot and he's so creative. But sometimes I just want to be thrown around and feel tiny. Sometimes I want to be with a man who looks like he can throw my ass over a house, babe. good news, Crypto's back. uh-huh. that's great, babe. Again, what is the Chiefs lineman Creed Humphrey doing here volunteering? again again, I love Charity. You may be eligible for our services if your boyfriend is a comedy writer, music critic, adult Legoist loves the show and or has traveled to see John Mulaney has special glasses for looking at computer or has arms that are the same width from wrist to shoulder like Doug. Funny jeans are fitting good today. those are mine. don't worry. I got this big man. what's a piggyback ride? Sometimes I want to feel small when I wear my boyfriend shirt, people are like cute. where'd you get that top? But Jason Kelsey gave me his hoodie and bigger because sometimes I just want to be a backpack and sometimes I want to be a front pack. And most times we don't want to hear your jokes. we just want to be thrown, chucked, vaulted into space, lifted straight up from our butt cheeks, smashed into your chest, voted like paper, and most of all like you are an immovable pulsating throne for our tired, weathered bodies.
Yeah, I've been working out. Nfl gives back the football is you. |
dropout | grant_has_a_gambling_problem_heist_night_4_5 | Remember, everyone needs to execute their job perfectly or the plan won't work. Rekha's on her way. Showtime people. Got the marbles ready to spin. I'm partying hard at the bar. You fools better remember the tip. I'm ready to reduce, reuse, and recycle. You know what they say, the house always... Red 13!
Fuck!
Grant, are you okay? I bored that okay. Listen, 2-4's where they get you. You gotta play 5-10. Are you gambling? How else am I supposed to get close?
This fucking nobody keeps messing it up, doesn't he? You're a fucking nobody. I'm kidding. Ah, you fucking nobody. No, I'm kidding.
Hey guys, how are you enjoying the casino? Hey!
Oh my gosh. Just the table minimum though, right? Of course, of course. Listen, I want small chips. Small. Changing 500? Atta boy. Grant, you're supposed to be near the table, not actively playing at it. You'll be up in moments. Sure, sure, sure. I just, I gotta get up first.
Um, see, I'm an actor. And as an actor, the disguise I prefer is the one that's the most convincing.
Red 21. Motherfucking cocksucker! You're a cocksucker!
Wow, are you a standup comedian? No. I think you should be. That's all you should be doing after this. Rika's tagged, Grant. She's heading your way. Oh shit, okay. Uh, I'm not there right now. Grant, you're blowing this whole thing. Where are you?
I'm at the ATM. Which has a $300 limit. Fuck my ass. I have to find another ATM.
Grant, you missed her. She might swoop back though. Grant! Get back to your position!
And also, I think you have a problem, man. I know I have a problem. My problem is I can't get a fucking drink in here.
Snake eyes! God damn it! Who threw that?
Wait, I thought you were playing roulette. No, they changed the whole goddamn table over to craps. Fucking charity casino's dirty as hell.
Fuck it. I'm going dark side. Gimme don't pass right now. And I wouldn't have to do it if it weren't for you fucking nobodies. I'm not psyched about it.
I gotta play where the money is. The money! Grant, this is our only chance. Every second counts here. What are you doing? Hello bartender. Spot me some cash. Grant, you are ruining this entire operation. Come on, both of you. Gimme $300.
I'll go back to my spot. No. Too much milk! Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Rake is approaching the table, people. We need to make the switch now. Hey, you fuck! I'm back. Sir, maybe you should stop. Maybe you should know your place. Oh, this is a shit show. Raph, get in there. Know your place when you're fucking talking to me like that.
Oh! Oh, Grant. Oh, it's been such a long time.
Remember me? Your music teacher. Fuck you, Raphael. You're not old. You, toss off.
Want some of this? Get off some of these chips. You want to take more of my chips?
Come on, go. Hey, Grant. I think we need to go home.
Fuck you. Fuck you, big boss lady. You can see us fucking racing. Let's just not be elevators. Wait, it's fucking waiting.
Okay. It's for charity. It's right.
I'll kill you. Get out of here. Okay, nobody tell Grant that even though he fucked up basically everything, the plan still worked. Somebody help me out of this trash can. Oh, back. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I forgot you were in here.
One, two, three. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
dropout | this_comedian_is_shockingly_honest_and_a_piece_of_bread | Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new comic coming to the stage. We're really excited here at Chuckles Town, USA, and please put your hands together for Mr. whole wheat bread.
Whoops. Y'all.
Well, I got married. I took the plunge. Let's hear it for marriage.
Boo. I like it. Boo. Look. Sorry, guys.
Look, let's talk about marriage, all right? Marriage is tough.
My wife and I got married, okay? She says, I want a wedding. And I'm like, okay, I'll give you a wedding. And then she says, I want to invite my family. And I'm thinking, oh, now I got to deal with this woman's family, that afterwards I got to have sex with her. She's saying, it's our honeymoon, have sex with me.
And another thing, I hate women.
Excuse me, sir, Mr. whole wheat? Yeah. I'll take questions. Yeah. I'm sorry. Is this a question portion? I will take some questions now.
Are you, and not in any negative way, but you might be homosexual. You might be a homosexual if my wife came up to me and she said, I want to go clone shopping. And I said, sweetie, I'd love to go clone shopping.
Well, I think that's a stereotype. But I'm saying, what I'm saying is, are you pitching jokes to me or is this a question? Okay. Let me form this into a question.
Are you a homosexual and you're in a marriage that you're not happy with because you're hiding who you really are? Let's talk about hiding. When my wife gets home, that's when I want to hide because I don't want to see her or her naked body. Can we talk about women's bodies?
Excuse me. I have a question. Yeah. I guess, so when your wife does make me surprise you with her naked body, do you find it that you're aroused or that you immediately think of a man? Because that might mean you're a homosexual. I think of all my buddies who live in the neighborhood who I might be able to stay with. That's what I think.
You have a very high pitched voice and long hair for a man. Oh, I'm a woman. Oh, I don't take questions from women. I have a question for the woman.
She said when your wife surprises you, why would that be, is that how it happens for you? You surprise your husband? I don't get.
Is that how you usually? Yes. That's how I do it. Okay. Are there any more questions before I return to my act? Yeah.
This is your wife. Oh my God. The old battle acts got in here.
I can't believe you would talk about me on stage like that. And it sounds like you're a homosexual now that people are analyzing it. Sweetie, look, I've told you before, my comedy and my personal life are totally unrelated. But all you do is talk about your personal life in your comedy. Look, honey, you have a silly, silly voice. How do you expect me not to use it in my act? This is who I am.
My wife stands up when I'm doing a show. My wife is in the audience.
No, you're doing it right now. You keep talking about your personal life. She comes in and she says, honey, you're talking about me in the show. That's not how I talk. And then I says to her, sweetie, you need to hit the road, honey. You didn't say that. Well, I'm embellishing.
I have one more question. Yes. Why is your name, is whole wheat toast? All right. Let's explore that.
My name is whole wheat toast because I am not ordinary. I'm a little bit skewed. Like a piece of white bread would be sort of the system. Well, I'm a piece of wheat bread and then I'm a little bit too hot to handle. See, that's where the toast part comes in.
Any more questions? No? Okay. Well, let's get back to the jokes.
President Obama. What's going on with this guy, huh? President Obama comes to me and he says, whole wheat toast, I want to give you health care. Please, let me give you health care. And I said, hey, President Obama.
Why don't you make out with me and move in with me? |
cracked | disney_owns_you_lucasfilm | Hi, my name's Michael Swain, and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls, and we need your help to get it done. Please, head to SeedAndSpark.com slash fund slash papa hyphen bear to find out more and see how you can get involved and earn awesome rewards any Cracked fan would at least not hate.
Probably. Well, thank you so much for coming out, George. We know it's a real hike from the ranch. Yeah, whatever.
I'm a barn rancher. Plus, my helicopter has TIE fighter wings bolted to the sides. Pretty fun. Handles like shit.
Well, we all certainly appreciate it. And here we are at last.
Just the final paperwork, and then a check for four billion dollars. I thought it would be bigger, like physically. Okay, just a few odds and ends to go over, and then the sale of ILM Lucasfilm's to Disney will be complete.
Fine. Great.
So, if you'll just look there, on top of page one, top right there, you can see the standard Disney boilerplate. Henceforth, we will own all Star Wars properties and related characters in perpetuity, both in this galaxy and those far, far away, as well as in the present time and long, and long ago. Our legal team thought that would be cute. Also, you will be required to appear as a blue force ghost at select Disney properties after the time of your passing.
Well, that's fine. I was planning on doing that anyway, so. Great. Let's see here. Oh, shoot. There's another clause missing. Do you remember the one that said that after we paid him four billion dollars, he wasn't allowed to refer to Disney as white slavers? Is that... Did we come? No, it should be. Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely an oversight. Well, I mean, if you could wait, we could have the whole thing redrafted. I don't think we need to worry about that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay, let's just move forward then. Oh, are you going to go ahead with my plan to re-release a soundtrack for the special edition with the do-back sounds in the music? Yeah, yeah.
No, unfortunately, I'm sorry.
We had to reroute that money. We're actually paying ILM to replace Dustin Hoffman and Kevin Spacey in all their upcoming Disney films. There's some news about that dropping in the next few years, but moving right along, if you look in the third paragraph, you'll see that we are going to want to remake every Star Wars movie as a Disney animated feature, and that does include droids and animated Star Wars adventure. Just going to wind the clock back and just reanimate that bad boy. We're going to reanimate it, animate it again from scratch.
Is he asleep? Is he sleeping? I believe. Does he fall asleep when you ask him to look down?
Mr. Lucas. Hello. Sounds terrible. Can I at least dictate the subtitles of the next Star Wars films? No, but we are authorized to hear from you.
The Jedi formula. The Sith supremacy.
Yeah. Oh. Wow.
The return of the Empire. After the Jedi go away. Prize at the end.
Salacious crumb strikes back. Greedo story.
I mean, that one sucks, but I'm saying it's good. Yeah, just smile. And sheave. Just sheave. Short one, at least.
Epic. Oh. Space opera from the brilliant mind of the very creative George Lucas. Great.
Those all sound great. We'll definitely do them. We're doing them all right now.
But back to the content. What if I also sort of suggest some character names? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead and fire them off. Sure. Let's say Three Dark Side, Two Light. Well, Brambo, Shabugo, Jompus, Blarby, Kriegs.
Very cool. Planet Sun. The Quasar Boy.
I can do more. I can do this all day.
It's quite a gift. We believe you, though. So, don't. Uh, homestretch, people. If we could just focus up, there's just a couple more outstanding items. As previously discussed, you will be turning over to us, the world's only working lightsaber, which we will keep in the umbrella stand by the entryway. We promise never to kill Princess Leia, even should real life circumstances somehow make it more fitting for her to elegantly exit the franchise, the kid stays in the picture.
DCG, whatever we gotta do. Also, you let us make Porgs. Porgs is what? It's a 1.4% uptick in fourth quarter plus spending is what it is, but don't you worry about the Porgs. Let us handle that. You, just focus on how you're going to spend that $4 billion.
I feel like you're not respecting the fabric of my universe. These are not the droids I am looking for. No, you want to sell a Star Wars. I want to sell you Star Wars.
There you go. Perfect. Great. Okay.
Well, you're under our thrall. Just sign an initial at the bottom there and we should be all set.
You know, I can see a Star Wars Frozen Christmas special, Elsa and Rey on ice, right now, clear as day. It's terrible.
And I love it. Man, the Sarlacc Pit, you know, singing carols, Donald Duck, sharing some eggnog with Admiral Ackbar. Yeah. It all fits together very seamlessly. Love it. It's natural. That's what I like. It's organic. It's a tapestry. It is.
We weave tapestries here. That's what we do here.
There. It's yours. Try not to ruin it. Are you? I'm sorry. No, no, no. You're right.
We will, we will try very hard not to ruin Star Wars. That would be a shame if someone was to tarnish the reputation of Star Wars, right? Mr. Podracing Dooku Midichlorian?
It could have burned him hard. Oh, God. I could have you killed.
Ten Disney executives would take my place. Forget it. All I need is this check. The financial freedom to do what I've always wanted. Have an idea without contacting my good friend Steven Spielberg.
Good fucking luck. Thank you. I'm skywalking out.
He is so much shorter than you would expect.
Yes. The monetization is strong. And this was. Soon we will rule the galaxy as father and son. That's impossible. It's more like the same age. You're a woman. It's a line from the movie. Spark dot com slash fund slash papa hyphen bear. To find out more and see how you can get involved and earn awesome rewards any cracked fan would at least not hate. Probably. Well, thank you so much for coming out, George.
We know it's a real hike from the ranch.
Yeah, whatever. I'm a barn rancher. Plus my helicopter has TIE fighter wings bolted to the sides. Pretty fun. Handles like shape.
Well, we all certainly appreciate it. And here we are at last. Just the final paperwork and then a check for four billion dollars.
I thought it would be bigger. Like physically.
Okay. Just a few odds and ends to go over and then the sale of ILM Lucasfilm's to Disney will be complete. Fine. Great.
So if you'll just look there on top of page one. Top right there.
You can see the standard Disney boilerplate. Henceforth we will own all Star Wars properties. And related characters in perpetuity both in this galaxy and those far far away as well as in the present time and long long ago. Our legal team thought that would be cute. Also, you will be required to appear as a blue force ghost at select Disney properties after the time of your passing.
Well, that's fine. I was planning on doing that anyway. Great. Let's see here. Oh, shoot. There's another clause missing. We remember the one that said that after we paid him four billion dollars, he wasn't allowed to refer to Disney as white slavers. Is that... Did we? No, it should be. Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely an oversight. Well, I mean, if you can wait, we could have the whole thing redrafted. I don't think we need to worry about that.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let's just move forward then. Oh, are you going to go ahead with my plan to re-release a soundtrack for the special edition with the do-back sounds in the music? Yeah.
No, unfortunately, I'm sorry.
We had to reroute that money. We're actually paying ILM to replace Dustin Hoffman and Kevin Spacey in all their upcoming Disney films. Some news about that dropping in the next few years.
But moving right along, if you look in the third paragraph, you'll see that we are going to want to remake every Star Wars movie as a Disney animated feature. And that does include Droids and animated Star Wars adventure.
Just going to wind the clock back and just reanimate that bad boy. We're going to reanimate, animate it again from scratch.
Is he asleep? Is he sleeping? I believe... Does he fall asleep when you ask him to look down?
Mr. Lucas. Hello. Sounds terrible. Can I at least dictate the subtitles of the next Star Wars films? No. But we are authorized to hear from you.
The Jedi formula. The Sith supremacy.
Yeah. Oh. Wow.
The return of the Empire after the Jedi go away. Prize at the end. Samurai space warrior. Yeah. Smackdown of the clones. Okay. The way of the Force having waters. It means the Jedi probably. Salacious crumb strikes back. Greedo story.
I mean, that one sucks, but I'm saying it's good. Yeah, just smile.
And sheave. Just sheave. Short one, Ellie.
Epic space opera from the brilliant mind of the very creative George Lucas.
Great. Those all sound great. We'll definitely do them. We're doing them all right now.
But back to the content. I'm going to also sort of suggest some character names.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead and fire them off. Sure.
I can do more. I can do this all day.
It's quite a gift. We believe you, though, so don't. Oh, homestretch people. If we could just focus up, there's just a couple more outstanding items. As previously discussed, you will be turning over to us, the world's only working lightsaber, which we will keep in the umbrella stand by the entryway.
We promise never to kill Princess Leia, even should real-life circumstances somehow make it more fitting for her to elegantly exit the franchise. The kid stays in the picture. Creepy CG.
Whatever we gotta do. Also, you let us make Porgs. Porgs is what? It's a 1.4% uptick in fourth quarter plus spending is what it is. But don't you worry about the Porgs. Let us handle that. You just focus on how you're gonna spend that four billion dollars.
I feel like you're not respecting the fabric of my universe. These are not the droids I am looking for. No.
You want to sell a Star Wars. I want to sell you Star Wars.
There you go. Perfect. Great. Okay. Well, you're under our thrall. Just sign an initial at the bottom there, and we should be all set.
You know, I can see a Star Wars Frozen Christmas special. Elsa and Rey on ice.
Right now, clear as day. It's terrible. And I love it. Man, the Sarlacc Pit, you know, singing carols, Donald Duck, sharing some eggnog with Admiral Ackbar. It all fits together very seamlessly. Love it. It's natural. That's what I like. It's organic. It's a tapestry. It is.
We weave tapestries here. That's what we do here. There. Try not to ruin it.
Are you? I'm sorry. No. You're right.
We will try very hard not to ruin Star Wars. That would be a shame if someone was to tarnish the reputation of Star Wars, right? Mr. Podracing Dooku Minoclorian.
You burned him hard. Oh, God. I could have you killed.
Ten Disney executives would take my place. Forget it. All I need is this check. The financial freedom to do what I've always wanted. Have an idea without contacting my good friend Steven Spielberg.
Good fucking luck. Thank you. I'm skywalking out.
He is so much shorter than you expect.
Yes. The monetization is strong in this one. Soon we will rule the galaxy as father and son. That's impossible. We're like the same age. You're a woman. It's a line from the movie. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_eyepet | Let's see what he can do. Oh, I, well, hello there! Welcome! We've been expecting you.
How can you not afford to get Beakman? I'm hypnotized by the blinking light. Yeah. You don't even need the PlayStation. How late?
Oh, this is it. Oh, great. Oh, this is it. Oh, great.
Your eye pets arrived. Let's take a look inside the egg.
This dude's got a Professor Oak thing going on. God, I think I've paid to have something like this taken out of me. By the same guy, too. Yeah, well, it was his fault. He looks delicious. It reached him, like, bad DreamWorks movie, you know?
Yeah. Just, like, reach out and, like, pretend it's there. Oh, you're such a cute baby. Yeah, there you go. Hi. Oh, look at your hair. I want you to look beautiful.
You're not stroking it right. You're not stroking my kid.
He still, despite all of the features from different species, appears to be vaguely human, and that is the most upsetting part of all. Yeah, it's the face. That's why I objected being called pet. This thing clearly has a soul, you know? Yeah.
I can't believe they got Neil Young to do the soundtrack for this game. They told him it was for, uh, giddy relief. Really weird thing about this game is they won't sell it to gay people. They don't think homosexuals should be raising eye pets. No, I wrote eye farted.
Okay. Then you go up to the camera, you hold it up. It's totally out of sequence. It's like Demetri Martin or something. Then when you guys get called in for a parent-teacher conference, like, do you know where he would learn to write things about this? Wow. This is so meta. There's definitely a copyright. We're, like, putting Mario in a game where he doesn't belong. Oh, cool. This should be the game. Obviously, as soon as we saw this, it was, like, penis-car derby. And it did pretty good, though. The head of the penis, it interpreted as, like, a third wheel, so it was kind of top-heavy.
This is just magical and amazing. This one blows my mind when I was 10. It's blowing my mind right now. Like, I'm not saying it's fun or anything, but it's pretty neat. We are so far into the future that even shitty games like this one are kind of cool.
How drunk do you have to be to knock over the lamp and the guy? And he's using it as a weapon and not as a sex toy. They should have a no-sex-toy warning. That's honestly the first thing that I thought of when I saw this, was, like, I wasn't like, oh, it's a flashlight or it's a weapon or it's just a sort of random, vaguely cylindrical object. I was like, that's going in my ass. And to be fair, you said the same thing when we showed you an Xbox controller. That's correct. |
dropout | my_boss_is_a_dick_music_video | Free, cause my boss is running me His name is Sammy Preaches Bides He's no taller than Five Five Working in New York City Corrupted high on 11th Street Writing comedy for Sam He's probably only like 4'10 My boss is a dick And he don't know shit His name is Sam And he's full of them Sam Rice, Sam Rice He's my boss Sam Rice Sam Rice, Sam Rice He's about 4'3 Straight up Sam should blow me for real Cause he wouldn't have to kneel Straight by neck we'll get down at Rice She is only like Dick Hype Little Smurf without the glue A hobbit that is wearing shoes A piece of shit that learned to talk So while he'd only need one flush We call our boss Ugly Napoleon Bathed in the sink And no bones crowned in it Sam Rice, Sam Rice She's only two feet tall Sam Rice, Sam Rice Shummed on a shit in his bed Did you know that he wears clothes Driveled beast infants And he needs doggy straps just to get in a bed His hands are so small they make his tiny dick Look regular soft But it's not, it's still tiny It's still tiny I know for a fact that I took a piece next to him one time Hey, you know what we're talking about Sam Rice, Sam Rice She's only one foot tall Sam Rice, Sam Rice It is dick small Big dick, dick small Dumb face, no boss Sam, Sam Rice He's only made me tall Sam Rice, Sam Rice Sam Rice, Sam Rice Sam Rice, Sam Rice Sam Rice, Sam Rice Sam Rice, Sam Rice He's only made me tall Fuck you, Sam Rice Fuck you, Sam Rice Fuck you, Sam Rice Fuck you, Sam Rice Fuck you |
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